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| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:45:41 -0700 |
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diff --git a/14936-h/14936-h.htm b/14936-h/14936-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..8947dff --- /dev/null +++ b/14936-h/14936-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2293 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> +<meta name="generator" content= +"HTML Tidy for Mac OS X (vers 1st August 2004), see www.w3.org" /> +<meta http-equiv="content-type" content= +"text/html; charset=us-ascii" /> +<title>Punch, or the London Charivari. November 13, 1841.</title> + +<style type="text/css"> +/*<![CDATA[*/ + +<!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 15%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + ul {list-style-type:none;} + .note {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left:4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left:5em;} + p.cen {text-align:center;} + p.rgt {text-align:right;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} +.figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img {border: none;} +.figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} +.figcenter>p {text-align:center;} +.figcenter {margin: auto;} +.figright {float: right; width:25%;} +.figleft, .dropcap {float: left;width:25%;} + span.sidenote {position: absolute; right: 1%; left: 87%; font-size: .7em;text-align:left;text-indent:0em;} + sup{font-size:.7em;} + span.sc {font-variant:small-caps;} + span.emph {font-size:125%;font-weight:bolder;} + a:link{text-decoration:none;} +.hide {display: none;} + --> +/*]]>*/ +</style> +</head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, +November 13, 1841, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, November 13, 1841 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14936] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the +Online Distributed Proofreading Team Syamanta + + + + + + +</pre> + +<h1>PUNCH,<br /> +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> +<h2>VOL. 1.</h2> +<hr class="full" /> +<h2>NOVEMBER 13, 1841.</h2> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page205" name="page205"></a>[pg +205]</span> +<h2>THE BIRTH OF THE PRINCE OF WALES.</h2> +<p class="cen">(<em>By the Observer’s own +Correspondent.</em>)</p> +<p>It will be seen that we were not premature in announcing the +probability of the birth of a Prince of Wales; and though it was +impossible that any one should be able to speak with certainty, our +positive tone upon the occasion serves to show the exclusive nature +of all our intelligence. We are enabled now to state that the +Prince will immediately take, indeed he has already taken, the +title of <em>Prince of Wales</em>, which it is generally understood +he will enjoy—at least if a child so young can be said to +enjoy anything of the kind—until an event shall happen which +we hope will be postponed for a very protracted period. The Prince +of Wales, should he survive his mother, will ascend the throne; but +whether he will be George the Fifth, Albert the First, Henry the +Ninth, Charles the Third, or Anything the Nothingth, depends upon +circumstances we are not at liberty to allude to—<em>at +present</em>; nor do we think we shall be enabled to do so in a +second edition.</p> +<p>Our suggestion last week, that the royal birth should take place +on Lord Mayor’s Day, has, we are happy to see, been partially +attended to; but we regret that the whole hog has not been gone, by +twins having been presented to the anxious nation, so that there +might have been a baronetcy each for the outgoing and incoming Lord +Mayors of Dublin and London. Perhaps, however, it might have been +attended with difficulty to follow our advice to the very letter; +but we nevertheless think it might have been arranged; though if +others think otherwise, we, of course, have nothing further to say +upon the matter alluded to.</p> +<p>We very much regret to make an announcement, and are glad at +being the first to do so, though we are sorry to advert to the +subject, touching an alarming symptom in the Princess Royal. Her +Royal Highness, ever since the birth of the Prince, whom we think +we may now venture to call her brother, has suffered from an +affection of the nose, which is said to be quite out of joint since +the royal stranger (for we hope we may take the liberty of alluding +to the Prince of Wales as a stranger, for he is a stranger to us, +at least we have never seen him) came into existence.</p> +<p>We hear it on good authority that when the Princess was taken to +see her brother, Her Royal Highness, who begins to articulate a few +sounds, exclaimed, “<em>Tar</em>!” with unusual +emphasis. It is supposed, from this simple but affecting +circumstance, that the Prince of Wales will eventually become <em>a +Tar</em>, and perhaps regain for his country the undisputed +dominion of the seas, which, by-the-bye, has not been questioned, +and probably will not be, in which case the naval attributes of His +Royal Highness will not be brought into activity.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>FASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE.</h3> +<p>Master Smith took an airing on the 5th, accompanied by a Guy +Fawkes and a very numerous <em>suite</em>. In the evening there was +a select circle, and a bonfire.</p> +<p>Mr. Baron Nathan and family are still at Kennington. The Baron +danced the college hornpipe, last Wednesday, on one leg, before a +party of private friends; and the Honourable Miss Nathan went +through the Cracovienne, amidst twenty-four coffee-cups and an +inverted pitcher, surmounted by a very long champagne-glass. Upon +inspecting the cups after the graceful performance was concluded, +there was not a chip upon one of them. The champagne glass, though +it frequently rattled in its perilous position, retained it through +the whole of the dance, and was carefully picked up at its +conclusion by the Baroness, who we were happy to find looking in +more than her usual health, and enjoying her accustomed +spirits.</p> +<p>Bill Bunks has a new feline provisional equipage ready to +launch. The body is a dark black, and the wheels are of the same +rich colour, slightly picked out here and there with a chalk +stripe. The effect altogether is very light and pretty, +particularly as the skewers to be used are all new, and the board +upon which the <em>ha’porths</em> are cut has been recently +planed with much nicety.</p> +<p>The travelling menagerie at the foot of Waterloo-bridge was +visited yesterday by several loungers. Amongst the noses poked +through the wires of the cage, we remarked several belonging to +children of the mobility. The spirited proprietor has added another +mouse to his collection, which may now be pronounced the +first—speaking, of course, Surreysideically—in +(entering) London.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>SONGS FOR CATARRHS.</h3> +<p>“The variable climate of our native land,” as +Rowland the Minstrel of Macassar has elegantly expressed it, like a +Roman epicure, deprives our nightingales of their tongues, and the +melodious denizens of our drawing-rooms of their “sweet +voices.”</p> +<p>Vainly has Crevelli raised a bulwark of lozenges against the +Demon of Catarrh! Soreness will invade the throat, and noses run in +every family, seeming to be infected with a sentimental furor for +blooming—we presume from being so newly blown. We have seen +noses chiseled, as it were, from an alabaster block, grow in one +short day scarlet as our own, as though they blushed for the +continual trouble they were giving their proprietors; whilst the +peculiar intonation produced by the conversion of the nasals into +liquids, and then of the liquids ultimately into mutes, leads to +the inference that there must be a stoppage about the bridge, and +should be placarded, like that of Westminster, “No +thoroughfare.”</p> +<p>It has been generally supposed that St. Cecilia with a cold in +her head would be incompetent to “Nix my Dolly;” and +this erroneous and popular prejudice is continually made the excuse +for vocal inability during the winter months. Now the effect which +we have before described upon the articulation of the catarrhed +would be, in our opinion, so far from displeasing, that we feel it +would amply compensate for any imperfections of tune. For instance, +what can be finer than the alteration it would produce in the +well-known ballad of “Oh no, we never mention +her!”—a ballad which has almost become wearisome from +its sweetness and repetition. With a catarrh the words would run +thus:—</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>“O lo, we lever beltiol her,</p> +<p>Her labe is lever heard.”</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>Struck with this modification of sound, PUNCH, anxious to cater +<em>even</em> for the catarrhs of his subscribers, begs to furnish +them with a “<em>calzolet</em>,” which he trusts will +be of more service to harmonic meetings than pectoral lozenges and +paregoric, as we have anticipated the cold by converting every +<em>m</em> into <em>b</em>, and every <em>n</em> into +<em>l</em>.</p> +<h4>A SONG FOR A CATARRH.</h4> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p><em>B</em>y <em>B</em>ary A<em>ll</em>e is like the +su<em>l</em>,</p> +<p class="i2">Whe<em>l</em> at the daw<em>l</em> it +fli<em>l</em>gs</p> +<p>Its golde<em>l</em> s<em>b</em>iles of light upo<em>l</em></p> +<p class="i2">Earth’s gree<em>l</em> and lo<em>l</em>ely +thi<em>l</em>gs.</p> +<p>I<em>l</em> vai<em>l</em> I sue, I o<em>l</em>ly +wi<em>l</em></p> +<p class="i2">Fro<em>b</em> her a scor<em>l</em>ful +frow<em>l</em>;</p> +<p>But soo<em>l</em> as I <em>b</em>y prayers begi<em>l</em>,</p> +<p class="i2">She cries O <em>l</em>o! bego<em>l</em>e.</p> +<p>Yes! yes! the burthe<em>l</em> of her so<em>l</em>g</p> +<p class="i2">Is <em>l</em>o! <em>l</em>o! <em>l</em>o! +bego<em>l</em>e!</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p><em>B</em>y <em>B</em>ary A<em>ll</em>e is like the +moo<em>l</em>,</p> +<p class="i2">Whe<em>l</em> first her silver shee<em>l</em>,</p> +<p>Awakes the <em>l</em>ighti<em>l</em>gale’s soft +tu<em>l</em>e,</p> +<p class="i2">That else had sile<em>l</em>t bee<em>l</em>.</p> +<p>But <em>B</em>ary A<em>ll</em>e, like darkest +<em>l</em>ight,</p> +<p class="i2">O<em>l</em> be, alas! looks dow<em>l</em>;</p> +<p>Her s<em>b</em>iles o<em>l</em> others bea<em>b</em> their +light,</p> +<p class="i2">Her frow<em>l</em>s are all <em>b</em>y +ow<em>l</em>.</p> +<p>I’ve but o<em>l</em>e burthe<em>l</em> to <em>b</em>y +so<em>l</em>g—</p> +<p class="i2">Her frow<em>l</em>s are all <em>b</em>y +ow<em>l</em>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>“POSSUM UP A GUM TREE!”</h3> +<p>A grand gladiatorial tongue-threshing took place lately in a +field near Paisley, between the two great Chartist +champions—Feargus O’Connor and the Rev. Mr. Brewster. +The subject debated was, Whether is moral or physical force the +fitter instrument for obtaining the Charter? The Doctor espoused +the moral hocussing system, and Feargus took up the bludgeon for +physical force. After a pretty considerable deal of fireworks had +been let off on both sides, it was agreed to divide the field, when +Feargus, waving his hat, <em>ascended into a tree</em>, and called +upon his friends to follow him. But, alas! few answered to the +summons,—he was left in a miserable minority; and the Doctor, +as the Yankees say, decidedly “put the critter up a +tree.” Feargus, being a <em>Radical</em>, should have kept to +the <em>root</em> instead of venturing into the higher +<em>branches</em> of political economy. At all events the Doctor, +as the Yankees say, “put the critter up a tree,” where +we calculate he must have looked tarnation ugly. The position was +peculiarly ill-chosen—for when a fire-and-faggot orator +begins to speak <em>trees-on</em>, it is only natural that his +hearers should all take their <em>leaves</em>!</p> +<hr /> +<h3>AN UNDIVIDED MOIETY.</h3> +<p>The <em>Herald</em> gives an account of two persons who were +carried off suddenly at Lancaster by a paralytic attack +<em>each</em>. We should have been curious to know the result if, +instead of an attack <em>each</em>, they had had <em>one between +them</em>.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page206" name="page206"></a>[pg +206]</span> +<h2>THE HEIR OF APPLEBITE.</h2> +<h3>CHAPTER IX.</h3> +<h4>SHOWS THAT DOCTORS DIFFER.</h4> +<div class="dropcap"><a href="images/018-01.png"><img src= +"images/018-01.png" alt= +"A large letter H with flowering vines twining it." id="img018-01" +name="img018-01" width="100%" /></a></div> +<p><span class="hide">H</span>aving christened his child, Agamemnon +felt it to be his bounden duty to have him vaccinated; but his +wife’s mother, with a perversity strongly characteristic of +the <em>genus</em>, strenuously opposed Dr. Jenner’s plan of +repealing the small pox<sup>1</sup><span class="sidenote">1. +Baylis.</span>, and insisted upon having him inoculated. Poor Mrs. +Applebite was sorely perplexed between her habitual reverence for +the opinions of her mama and the dread which she naturally felt of +converting the face of the infant heir into a plum-pudding. +Agamemnon had evidently determined to be positive upon this point, +and all that could be extracted from him was the one +word—vaccination!</p> +<p>To which Mrs. Waddledot replied,</p> +<p>“Vaccination, indeed!—as though the child were a +calf! I’m sure and certain that the extreme dulness of young +people of the present day is entirely owing to vaccination—it +imbues them with a very stupid portion of the animal +economy.”</p> +<p>As Agamemnon could not understand her, he again +ejaculated—“Vaccination!”</p> +<p>“But, my dear,” rejoined Mrs. Applebite, “Mama +has had so much experience that her opinion is worth listening to; +I know that you give the preference to—”</p> +<p>“Vaccination!” interrupted Collumpsion.</p> +<p>“And so do I; but we have heard of grown-up +people—who had always considered themselves +secure—taking the small pox, dear.”</p> +<p>“To be sure we have,” chimed in Mrs. Waddledot; +“and it’s a very dreadful thing, after indulgent and +tender parents have been at the expense of nursing, clothing, +physicking, teaching music, dancing, Italian, French, geography, +drawing, and the use of the globes, to a child, to have it carried +off because a misguided fondness has insisted +upon—”</p> +<p>“Vaccination!” shouted <em>pater</em> +Collumpsion.</p> +<p>“Exactly!” continued the “wife’s +mother.” “Now inoculate at once, say I, before the +child’s short-coated.”</p> +<p>Agamemnon rose from his seat, and advancing deliberately and +solemnly to the table at which his wife and his wife’s mother +were seated, he slowly raised his dexter arm above his head, and +then, having converted his hand into a fist, he dashed his +contracted digitals upon the rosewood as though he dared not trust +himself with more than one word, and that one +was—“Vaccination!”</p> +<p>Mrs. Waddledot’s first impulse was to jump out of her +turban, in which she would have succeeded had not the mystic rolls +of gauze which constituted that elaborate head-dress been securely +attached to the chestnut “front” with which she had +sought for some years to cheat the world into a forgetfulness of +her nativity.</p> +<p>“I was warned of this! I was warned of this!” +exclaimed the disarranged woman, as soon as she obtained breath +enough for utterance. “But I wouldn’t believe it. I was +told that the member for Puddingbury had driven one wife to her +grave and the other to drinking.—I was told that it would run +in the family, and that Mr. <em>A.C.</em> Applebite would be no +better than Mr. I. Applebite!”</p> +<p>“Oh! Mama—you really wrong Aggy,” exclaimed +Theresa.</p> +<p>“It’s lucky for you that you think so, my dear. If +ever there was an ill-used woman, you are that unhappy individual. +Oh, that ever—I—should live—to see a child of +mine—have a child of hers vaccinated against her wish!” +and here Mrs. Waddledot (as it is emphatically styled) burst into +tears; not that we mean to imply that she was converted into an +explosive <em>jet d’eau</em>, but we mean that +she—she—what shall we say?—she blubbered.</p> +<p>It is really surprising how very sympathetic women are on all +occasions of weeping, scolding, and scandalising; and accordingly +Mrs. Applebite “opened the fountains of her eyes,” and +roared in concert with her mama.</p> +<p>Agamemnon felt that he was an injured man—injured in the +tenderest point—his character for connubial kindness; and he +secretly did what many husbands have done openly—he consigned +Mrs. Waddledot to the gentleman who is always represented as very +black, because where he resides there is no water to wash with.</p> +<p>At this agonising moment Uncle Peter made his appearance; and as +actors always play best to a good audience, the weeping ladies +continued their lachrymose performance with renewed vigour. Uncle +Peter was a plain man—plain in every meaning of the word; +that is to say, he was very ugly and very simple; and when we tell +you that his face resembled nothing but a half-toasted muffin, you +can picture to yourself what it must have looked like under the +influence of surprise; but nevertheless, both Agamemnon and the +ladies simultaneously determined to make him the arbitrator in this +very important matter.</p> +<p>“Uncle Peter,” said Agamemnon.</p> +<p>“Brother Peter,” sobbed Mrs. Waddledot.</p> +<p>“Which are you an advocate for?” hystericised Mrs. +Applebite.</p> +<p>“Vaccination or inoculation?” exclaimed everybody +<em>ensemble</em>.</p> +<p>Now whether Uncle John did clearly understand the drift of the +question put to him, or whether he conceived that he was solicited +to be the subject of some benevolent experiments for the advantage +of future generations, it is certain that no man ever looked more +positively</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/018-02.png"><img src= +"images/018-02.png" alt= +"A man sits hooked on the crescent of the moon and waves at a passing balloon." +id="img018-02" name="img018-02" width="50%" /></a> +<p>ON THE HORN OF A DILEMMA</p> +</div> +<p>than Uncle Peter. At length the true state of the case was made +apparent to him; and the conclusion that he arrived at reflects the +greatest possible credit upon his judgment. He decided, that as the +child was a divided property, for the sake of peace and quietness, +the heir of Applebite should be vaccinated in one arm and +inoculated in the other.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>FALSE ALARM.</h3> +<p>We were paralysed the other day at seeing a paragraph headed +“Sibthorpe’s conversion.” Our nose grew pale with +terror; our hump heaved with agitation. We thought there existed a +greater genius than ourselves and that some one had discovered that +Sibthorp could be converted into anything but a Member for Lincoln, +and buffoon-in-waiting to the House of Commons. We found, however, +that it alluded to a Reverend, and not to OUR Colonel. Really the +newspaper people should be more careful. Such startling +announcements are little better than</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/018-03.png"><img src= +"images/018-03.png" alt="A jester cuts the tail off of a dog." id= +"img018-03" name="img018-03" width="90%" /></a> +<p>SHEE(A)R CRUELTY.</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>DOING THE STATE SOME SERVICE.</h3> +<p>During the conflagration of the Tower, it was apprehended at one +time that the portion of it called the White Tower would have +shared the fate of the grand store-house,—this was however +prevented by hanging <em>wet blankets</em> around it, in which +capacity Peter Borthwick, Mr. Plumtre, Col. Percival, and Lord +Castlereagh, kindly offered their personal services and were found +admirably adapted for the purpose.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page207" name="page207"></a>[pg +207]</span> +<h2>THE GENTLEMAN’S OWN BOOK.</h2> +<p>We will now proceed to the consideration of that indispensable +adjunct to a real gentleman—his purse. This little talisman, +though of so much real importance, is very limited in the materials +of its formation, being confined exclusively to silk. It should +generally be of net work, very sparingly powdered with small beads, +and of the most delicate colours, such conveying the idea that the +fairy fingers of some beauteous friend had wove the tiny treasury. +We have seen some of party colours, intended thereby to distinguish +the separate depository of the gold and silver coin with which it +is (presumed) to be stored. This arrangement we repudiate; for a +true gentleman should always appear indifferent to the value of +money, and affect at least an equal contempt for a sovereign as a +shilling. We prefer having the meshes of the purse rather large +than otherwise, as whenever it is necessary—mind, we say +necessary—to exhibit it, the glittering contents shining +through the interstices are never an unpleasing object of +contemplation.</p> +<p>The purse should be used at the card-table; but never produced +unless you are called upon as a loser to <em>pay</em>. It may then +be resorted to with an air of <em>nonchalance;</em> and when the +demand upon it has been honoured, it should be thrown carelessly +upon the table, as though to indicate your <em>almost</em> anxiety +to make a further sacrifice of its contents. Should you, however, +be a winner, any exhibition of the purse might be construed into an +unseemly desire of “welling,” or securing your gains, +which of course must always be a matter of perfect indifference to +you; and whatever advantages you obtain from chance or skill should +be made obvious to every one are only destined to enrich your +valet, or be beneficially expended in the refreshment of cabmen and +ladies of faded virtue. In order to convey these intentions more +conspicuously, should the result of an evening be in your favour, +your winnings should be consigned to your waistcoat pocket; and if +you have any particular desire to heighten the effect, a piece of +moderate value may be left on the table.</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/018-04.png"><img src= +"images/018-04.png" alt= +"A horse throws a man into the roof of a house." id="img018-04" +name="img018-04" width="80%" /></a> +<p>A GENTLEMAN TAKING A FIRST FLOOR</p> +</div> +<p>cannot do better than find an excuse for a recurrence to his +purse; and then the partial exhibition of the coin alluded to above +will be found to be productive of a feeling most decidedly +confirmatory in the mind of the landlady that you are a true +gentleman.</p> +<p>The same cause will produce the same effect with a tradesman +whose album—we beg pardon, whose ledger—you intend +honouring with your name.</p> +<p>You should never display your purse to a poor friend or +dependant, or the sight of it might not only stimulate their +cupidity, or raise their expectations to an inordinate height, but +prevent you from escaping with a moderate <em>douceur</em> by +“the kind manner in which you slipped a sovereign into their +hand at parting.”</p> +<p>A servant should never be rewarded from a purse; it makes the +fellows discontented; for if they see gold, they are never +satisfied with a shilling and “I must see what can be done +for you, James.”</p> +<p>Should you be fortunate enough to break a policeman’s +head, or drive over an old woman, you will find that your purse +will not only add to the <em>éclat</em> of the transaction, +but most materially assist the magistrate before whom you may be +taken in determining that the case is very trifling, and that a +fine of 5s. will amply excuse you from the effects of that polite +epidemic known <em>vulgo</em> as drunkenness. There cannot be a +greater proof of the advantages of a purse than the preceding +instance, for we have known numerous cases in which the symptoms +have been precisely the same, but the treatment diametrically +opposite, owing to the absence of that incontrovertible evidence to +character—the purse.</p> +<p>None but a <em>parvenu</em> would carry his money loose; and we +know of nothing more certain to ensure an early delivery of your +small account than being detected by a creditor in the act of +hunting a sovereign into the corner of your pocket.</p> +<p>We have known tailors, bootmakers, hatters, hosiers, +livery-stable-keepers, &c., grow remarkably noisy when refused +assistance to meet heavy payments, which are continually coming due +at most inconvenient seasons; and when repeated denials have failed +to silence them, the <em>exhibition only</em> of the purse has +procured the desired effect,—we presume, by inspiring the +idea that you have the means to pay, but are eccentric in your +views of credit—thus producing with the most importunate +dun</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/018-05.png"><img src= +"images/018-05.png" alt="A gentleman's queue is burning." id= +"img018-05" name="img018-05" width="50%" /></a> +<p>A BRILLIANT TERMINATION.</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>TREMENDOUS FAILURE.</h3> +<p>The Editors present their compliments to their innumerable +subscribers, and beg to say that, being particularly hard up for a +joke, they trust that they will accept of the following as an +evidence of</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/018-06.png"><img src= +"images/018-06.png" alt= +"Girls stand under a sign 'Curds and Whey Sold Here' while a bowl pours onto them." +id="img018-06" name="img018-06" width="50%" /></a> +<p>GETTING UNDER WHEY.</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>A THOROUGH DRAUGHT.</h3> +<p>The extreme proficiency displayed by certain parties in drawing +spurious exchequer-bills has induced them to issue proposals for +setting up an opposition exchequer office, where bills may be drawn +on the shortest notice. As this establishment is to be cunningly +united to the Art-Union in Somerset-House, the whole art of forgery +may be there learned in six lessons. The manufacture of +exchequer-bills will be carried on in every department, from +printing the forms to imitating the signatures; in short, the whole +art of</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/018-07.png"><img src= +"images/018-07.png" alt= +"A man pulls on a horse drawing a cart full of people." id= +"img018-07" name="img018-07" width="90%" /></a> +<p>DRAWING TAUGHT.</p> +</div> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page208" name="page208"></a>[pg +208]</span> +<h2>THE O’CONNELL PAPERS.</h2> +<h4>OUR EXTRAORDINARY AND EXCLUSIVE CORRESPONDENCE.</h4> +<p>We have been favoured by the transmission of the following +singular correspondence by the new Mayor of Dublin’s private +secretary. We hasten to lay the interesting documents before our +readers, though we must decline incurring the extreme +responsibility of advising which offer it would be most +advantageous for Mr. O’Connell to accept.</p> +<h4>LETTER I.</h4> +<p>SIR,—I am requested by the management of the Royal Surrey +Theatre to negotiate with you for a few nights’ performance +in a local drama, which shall be written for the occasion, and in +which you are requested to represent the Civic dignitary in the +identical robes which have become immortalised by your wearing. Mr. +Dibdin Pitt is of opinion that something might be done with +“Whittington and his Cat,” merely transferring the +scene from London to Dublin; and, as he hears your county is highly +celebrated for the peculiar breed, sending to Ireland for one of +the esteemed “Kilkenny species,” which would give a +greater reality to the <em>dramatis personæ</em> and feline +adjunct. This is a mere suggestion, as any other subject you may +prefer—such as the Rebellion of ’98, Donnybrook Fair, +the Interior of the Irish Mansion House, or the House of Commons, +can be rendered equally effective. I beg to call your attention to +the fact that you shall have a clear stage and every advantage, as +Mr. N.T. Hicks will be left out of the cast altogether, or else +play a very small dumb villain; so that you need not fear losing +your oratorical reputation by being out-shouted. Should you feel +disposed to accept the terms, one clear half the nightly receipt, +pray forward an answer by return, that we may get out a woodcut of +the small-clothes, and underline the identical stockings.</p> +<p class="rgt">I have the honour to be,<br /> +Your obedient servant,<br /> +BEN. FAIRBROTHER.</p> +<p><em>D. O’Connell, Esq.</em></p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p class="rgt"><em>T. R. D. L.</em></p> +<p>SIR,—The intense interest created in the bosoms of mankind +in general by the graphic account of your splendid appearance and +astounding performance of the arduous character of the Lord Mayor +of Dublin, induces Mr. W.C. Macready to make you an offer of +engagement for the performance of Shakspere’s heroic +functionary in the forthcoming revival of Richard the Third, which +is about to be produced under his classic management at the Theatre +Royal Drury-lane, Mr. W.C. Macready offers to replace the breeches +if cracked in stooping; also, to guarantee a liberal allowance of +hair-powder to fall from the wig, and make the usual effective and +dignified huge point while the Mayor is bowing to the king. An +early answer will oblige your obedient servant,</p> +<p class="rgt">T. J. SERLE.</p> +<p>P.S. Can you bring your own Aldermen, as we are anxious to do it +with the</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/018-08.png"><img src= +"images/018-08.png" alt="A silhouette of a man tugging on a horse." +id="img018-08" name="img018-08" width="50%" /></a> +<p>MAYOR (MARE) AND CORPORATION.</p> +</div> +<p>P.P.S.—Think of the fame and the twelve-sheet posters, and +be moderate.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p class="rgt"><em>Theatre Royal, Adelphi.</em></p> +<p>DEAR DAN,—The Adelphi is open to you and your robes. +Couldn’t we do something with a hero from Blarney, and let +you be discovered licking the stone, amid tableaux, blue fire, and +myriads of nymph-like Kate Kearneys? Or would you prefer an +allegory, yourself a Merman, or the Genius of Ireland, distributing +real whiskey-and-water from the tank, which shall be filled with +grog for that purpose. Think it over.</p> +<p class="rgt">Truly yours,<br /> +F. YATES.</p> +<p><em>D. O’Connell, Esq. &c. &c. &c.</em></p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p class="rgt"><em>Theatre Royal, Haymarket.</em></p> +<p>Mr. Webster presents his compliments to Daniel O’Connell, +Esq., Mayor and M.P., and begs to suggest, as the “Rent +Day” was originally produced at his theatre, it will be an +excellent field for any further dramatic attempt of Mr. D. +O’C. A line from Mr. D. O’C. will induce Mr. B.W. to +put the drama in rehearsal.</p> +<p>“<em>D. O’Connell, Esq. &c. +&c.</em>”</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p class="rgt"><em>Royal Victoria.</em></p> +<p>SIR,—As sole lessee of the Royal Victoria I shall be happy +to engage you to appear in costume, in the Mayor of Garratt, or, +for the sake of the name Mayor, any other Mayor you like. If you +think all the old ones too stupid, we can look upon something new, +and preserve the title. You shall be supported by Miss Vincent and +Susan Hopley, with two murders by Messrs. Dale and Saville in the +after-piece. Awaiting your reply, I remain</p> +<p class="rgt">Your obedient servant,<br /> +D.W. OSBALDISTON.</p> +<p><em>D. O’Connell, Esq.</em></p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p class="rgt"><em>Royal Pavilion Theatre.</em></p> +<p>SIR,—If you mean to come on the stage, come to me. I know +what suits the public. If you can’t come yourself, send your +cocked hat, and Mrs. Denvil shall dramatise it. We have a carpenter +of your name; we can gag him and gammon the public, as +follows:—</p> +<h4>IMMENSE ATTRACTION!</h4> +<h6>SCENERY MOVED BY</h6> +<h4>O’CONNELL;</h4> +<h6>FIRST APPEARANCE OF THE</h6> +<h4>GREAT AGITATOR!!!</h4> +<h5>“REAL COCKED HAT.”</h5> +<p class="rgt">Yours, &c.<br /> +HY. DENVIL.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p class="rgt"><em>Garrick Theatre.</em></p> +<p>SIR,—We should be proud to avail ourselves of your +professional services to do a little in the domestic and appalling +murder line; but our forte is ballet or pantomime; perhaps, as you +have your own silk tights, the latter department might suit you +best. Our artist is considered very great, and shall convert our +“Jim Along Josey” wood-cuts into your portrait. We will +also pledge ourselves to procure an illuminated cocked hat. An +early answer, stating terms, will oblige</p> +<p class="rgt">Your obedient Servants,<br /> +GOMERSAL AND CONQUEST.</p> +<p><em>D. O’Connell, Esq.</em></p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p class="rgt"><em>T.R. Sadler’s Wells.</em></p> +<p>SIR,—Understanding you are about to figure publicly and +professionally in London, may I draw your attention to my unique +establishment. I can offer you an excellent engagement as the +figure-head of a vessel about to be produced in a new nautical +drama. It is at present called “The Shark and the +Alligator,” but may be altered with equal effect to +“The Mayor and the Agitator.” Begging a reply,</p> +<p class="rgt">I remain, Sir,<br /> +Your’s obediently,<br /> +ROBERT HONNER.</p> +<p><em>D. O’Connell, Esq.</em></p> +<p>P.S. Do you do anything in the hornpipe line?</p> +<hr /> +<h3>A PÆAN FOR DAN.</h3> +<h4>BY ONE OF THE “FINEST PISANTRY IN THE WORLD.”</h4> +<p>We have received the following genuine “Irish +version” of a scene from and for the times, from our own +peculiar and poetic correspondent:—</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i4">“DEAR PUNCH,—</p> +<p class="i8">I beg pardon that yoursilf I’m now +troublin,</p> +<p>But I must let you know what I just seen in Dublin;</p> +<p>There Daniel O’Connell,—Mayor and great +agitator,—</p> +<p>Has been making a Judy of himself, the poor unhappy cratur.</p> +<p>At his time of life, too! tare and ounds its mighty +shocking!</p> +<p>He shoved ach of his big legs into a span bran new silk +stocking:</p> +<p>How the divil them calves by any manes was thrust in,</p> +<p>Is a mistery to ev’ry one, without them black silks +busting.</p> +<p>And instead of a dacent trousers hanging to his suspenders,</p> +<p>He has button’d-up one-half of him in a pair of short +knee-enders.</p> +<p>Now, Punch, on your oath, did you ever hear the likes o’ +that?</p> +<p>But oh, houly Paul, if you only seen his big cock’d +hat,</p> +<p>Stuck up on the top of his jazy;—a mighty illegant +thatch,</p> +<p>With hair like young Deaf Burke’s, all rushing up to the +scratch,</p> +<p>You must have been divarted; and, Jewil, then he wore</p> +<p>A thund’ring big Taglioni-cut purple velvet +<em>roquelore</em>.</p> +<p>And who but Misther Dan cut it fat in all his pride,</p> +<p>Cover’d over with white favors, like a gentle blushing +bride;</p> +<p>And wasn’t he follow’d by all the blackguards for +his tail,</p> +<p>Shouting out for their lives, ‘Success to Dan +O’Connell and Rapale.’</p> +<p>But the Old Corporation has behaved mighty low and mane,</p> +<p>As they wouldn’t lend him the loan of the ancient raal +goold chain,</p> +<p>Nor the collar; as they said they thought (divil burn +’em),</p> +<p>If they’d done so, it was probable Dan never would return +’em.</p> +<p>But, good-bye, I must be off,—he’s gone to take the +chair!</p> +<p>So my love to Mrs. Punch, and no more about the +Mayor.”</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page209" name="page209"></a>[pg +209]</span> +<h2>PUNCH’S PÆAN TO THE PRINCELET.</h2> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Huzza! we’ve a little prince at last,</p> +<p class="i2">A roaring Royal boy;</p> +<p>And all day long the booming bells</p> +<p class="i2">Have rung their peals of joy.</p> +<p>And the little park-guns have blazed away,</p> +<p class="i2">And made a tremendous noise,</p> +<p>Whilst the air hath been fill’d since eleven +o’clock</p> +<p class="i2">With the shouts of little boys;</p> +<p>And we have taken our little bell,</p> +<p>And rattled and laugh’d, and sang as well,</p> +<p class="i4">Roo-too-tooit! Shallabella!</p> +<p class="i4">Life to the Prince! Fallalderalla!</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Our little Prince will be daintily swathed,</p> +<p class="i2">And laid on a bed of down,</p> +<p>Whilst his cradle will stand ’neath a canopy</p> +<p class="i2">That is deck’d with a golden crown.</p> +<p>O, we trust when his Queenly Mother sees</p> +<p class="i2">Her Princely boy at rest,</p> +<p>She will think of the helpless pauper babe</p> +<p class="i2">That lies at a milkless breast!</p> +<p>And then we will rattle our little bell.</p> +<p>And shout and laugh, and sing as well—</p> +<p class="i4">Roo-too-tooit! Shallabella!</p> +<p class="i4">Life to the Prince! Fallalderalla!</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Our little Prince, we have not a doubt,</p> +<p class="i2">Has set up a little cry;</p> +<p>But a dozen sweet voices were there to soothe,</p> +<p class="i2">And sing him a lullaby.</p> +<p>We wonder much if a voice so small</p> +<p class="i2">Could reach our loved Monarch’s ear;</p> +<p>If so, she said “God bless the poor!</p> +<p class="i2">Who cry and have no one near.”</p> +<p>So then we will rattle our little bell,</p> +<p>And shout and laugh, and sing as well—</p> +<p class="i4">Roo-too-tooit! Shallabella!</p> +<p class="i4">Life to the Prince! Fallalderalla!</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Our little Prince (though he heard them not)</p> +<p class="i2">Hath been greeted with honied words,</p> +<p>And his cheeks have been fondled to win a smile</p> +<p class="i2">By the Privy Council Lords.</p> +<p>Will he trust the “charmer” in after years,</p> +<p class="i2">And deem he is more than man?</p> +<p>Or will he feel that he’s but a speck</p> +<p class="i2">In creation’s mighty plan?</p> +<p>Let us hope the best, and rattle our bell,</p> +<p>And shout and laugh, and sing as well—</p> +<p class="i4">Roo-too-tooit! Shallabella!</p> +<p class="i4">Life to the Prince! Fallalderalla!</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Our little Prince, when be grows a boy,</p> +<p class="i2">Will be taught by men of lore,</p> +<p>From the “dusty tome” of the ancient sage,</p> +<p class="i2">As Kings have been taught before.</p> +<p>But will there be <em>one</em> good, true man near,</p> +<p class="i2">To tutor the infant heart?</p> +<p>To tell him the world was made for all,</p> +<p class="i2">And the poor man claims his part?</p> +<p>We trust there will; so we’ll rattle our bell,</p> +<p>And shout and laugh, and sing as well—</p> +<p class="i4">Roo-too-tooit! Shallabella!</p> +<p class="i4">Life to the Prince! Fallalderalla!</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>A CON-CONSTITUTIONAL.</h3> +<p>Why is the little Prince of Wales like the 11th +Hussars?—Because it is Prince Albert’s own.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>HARD TO REMEMBER.</h3> +<p>Lord Monteagle, on being shown one of the Exchequer Bills, +supposed to have been forged, declared that he did not know if the +signature attached to it was his handwriting or not. We do not feel +surprised at this—his Lordship has put his hand to so many +jobs that it would be impossible he could remember every one of +them.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<h2>THE CROPS.</h2> +<p>A most unfounded report of the approaching demise of Colonel +Sibthorp reached town early last week. Our Leicester correspondent +has, however, furnished us with the following correct particulars, +which will be read with pleasure by those interested in the +luxuriant state of the gallant orator’s crops. The truth is, +he was seen to enter a hair-dresser’s shop, and it got about +amongst the breathless crowd which soon collected, that the +imposing <em>toupée</em>, the enchanting whiskers that are +the pride of the county, were to be cropped! This mistake was +unhappily removed to give place to a more fatal one; for instead of +submitting to the shears, the venerable joker bought a paper of +<em>poudre unique</em>, from which arose the appalling report that +he was about to <em>dye</em>!</p> +<p>Our kind friend the indefatigable “correspondent” of +the <em>Observer</em>, informs us from authority upon which every +reliance may be placed, that Mr. Grant, the indefatigable statist +and author of “Lights and Shadows of London Life,” is +now patiently engaged in researches of overwhelming importance to +the public. He will, in his next edition of the above-named work, +be enabled to state from personal inquiry, how many ladies residing +within a circuit of ten miles round London wear false fronts, with +the colours respectively of their real and their artificial hair, +together with the number of times per year the latter are dressed. +Besides this, this untiring author has called at every +hairdresser’s in the London Directory, to ascertain the +number of times per quarter each customer has his hair cut, with +the quantity and length denuded. From these materials a result will +be drawn up, showing the average duration of crops; and also how +far the hair-cuttings of every day in London would reach, if each +hair were joined together and placed somewhere, so as to +go—when enough is collected—round the world.</p> +<p>The <em>Morning Herald</em> of Monday informs us, that the King +of Hanover has passed a law to regulate the crops not only of the +army, but of those in the civil employ of government. The +moustaches of the former are to be, we hear, exact copies of those +sported by Muntz. The hair is to be cut close, so as to be woven +into regulation whiskers for those to whom nature has denied them. +The pattern whisker was lately submitted by Mr. Truefit, who is to +be the army contractor for the same. It curls over the cheek, and +meets the moustaches at the corners of the mouth.</p> +<p>In consequence of this measure, large sales in bear’s +grease were made by the Russian merchants on ‘Change +yesterday for the German markets. A consequent rise in this species +of manure took place; this will, it is feared, have a bad effect +upon the British crops, which have already assumed a dry and +languid appearance.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>ELIGIBLE INVESTMENTS!—SPLENDID +OPPORTUNITY!—UNRIVALLED BARGAINS!</h3> +<h4>EXTRAORDINARY SALE OF UNREDEEMED PLEDGES.</h4> +<p>MESSRS. MACHIN and DEBENHAM respectfully inform the particularly +curious, and the public in general, they have the honor to announce +the unreserved sale of the following particularly and +unprecedentedly attractive Unredeemed Pledges.</p> +<p>N.B.—The auction duty to be paid by the +purchasers,—if not, the inmates of St. Luke’s have +offered to subscribe for their liquidation.</p> +<h4>LOT I.</h4> +<p>A perfect collection of the original speeches of Sir Francis +Burdett—previous to his visit to the Tower; his fulminations +issued from the same; and a catalogue of the <em>unredeemed</em> +pledges made to the electors of Westminster, and originally taken +in by them—a compliment very handsomely returned by the +honourable Baronet, who kindly took his constituents in in return. +Very curious, though much dogs-eared, thumbed, and as far as the +author’s name goes, totally erased.</p> +<h4>LOT II.</h4> +<p>A visionary pedigree and imaginative genealogical account of +Roebuck’s ancestors—commencing in the year 1801, and +carefully brought down to the present time. Very elaborate, but +rather doubtful.</p> +<h4>LOT III.</h4> +<p>A full account of Wakley’s parliamentary ratting, or +political felo-de-se; beautifully authenticated by his late +Finsbury electors—with sundry cuts by his former friends.</p> +<h4>LOT IV.</h4> +<p>An extraordinary large batch of uncommonly cheap bread, +manufactured by one John Russell. A beautiful electioneering and +imaginative production, though now rather stale.</p> +<h4>LOT V.</h4> +<p>A future contract for the continuance of the poor-laws, and the +right of pumps for the guardians to concoct the soup.</p> +<p>N.B. Filters used if too strong.</p> +<h4>LOT VI.</h4> +<p>Daniel O’Connell’s opinions upon the repeal of the +union, now that he is Lord Mayor of Dublin: to be sold without +reserve to the highest bidder.</p> +<p>The whole of the above are submitted to the public, in the +sincere hope of their meeting purchasers—as the price is all +that is wanting to ensure a <em>bonâ fide</em> sale. No +catalogues—no particulars—no guarantees—no +deductions—and no money returned.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page210" name="page210"></a>[pg +210]</span> +<h2>SIR PETER LAURIE ON HUMAN LIFE.</h2> +<p>Sir PETER LAURIE has set his awful face against suicide! He will +in no way “encourage” <em>felo-de-se</em>. Fatal as +this aldermanic determination may be to the interests of the +shareholders of Waterloo, Vauxhall, and Southwark Bridges, Sir +PETER has resolved that no man—not even in the suicidal +season of November—shall drown, hang, or otherwise destroy +himself, under any pretence soever! Sir PETER, with a very proper +admiration of the pleasures of life, philosophises with a full +stomach on the ignorance and wickedness of empty-bellied humanity; +and Mr. HOBLER—albeit in the present case the word is not +reported—doubtless cried “Amen!” to the wisdom of +the alderman. Sir PETER henceforth stands sentinel at the gate of +death, and any hungry pauper who shall recklessly attempt to touch +the knocker, will be sentenced to “the treadmill for a month +as a rogue and vagabond!”</p> +<p>One <em>William Simmons</em>, a starving tailor, in a perishing +condition, attempts to cut his throat. He inflicts upon himself a +wound which, “under the immediate assistance of the surgeon +of the Compter,” is soon healed; and the offender being +convalescent, is doomed to undergo the cutting wisdom of Sir PETER +LAURIE. Hear the alderman “Don’t you know <em>that that +sort</em> of murder (suicide) <em>is as bad as any +other?</em>” If such be the case—and we would as soon +doubt the testimony of Balaam’s quadruped as Sir +PETER—we can only say, that the law has most shamefully +neglected to provide a sufficing punishment for the enormity. Sir +PETER speaks with the humility of true wisdom, or he would never +have valued his own throat for instance—that throat enriched +by rivulets of turtle soup, by streams of city wine and city +gravies—at no more than the throat of a hungry tailor. There +never in our opinion was a greater discrepancy of windpipe. Sir +PETER’S throat is the organ of wisdom—whilst the +tailor’s throat, by the very fact of his utter want of food, +is to him an annoying superfluity. And yet, says Sir PETER by +inference, “It is <em>as bad</em>, William Simmons, to cut +your own throat, as to cut mine!” If true Modesty have left +other public bodies, certainly she is to be found in the court of +aldermen.</p> +<p>Sir PETER proceeds to discourse of the mysteries of life and +death in a manner that shows that the executions of his shrievalty +were not lost upon his comprehensive spirit. Suicides, however, +have engaged his special consideration; for he says—</p> +<blockquote> +<p>“Suicides and attempts, or apparent attempts, to commit +suicide, very much increase, I regret to say. <em>I know that a +morbid humanity exists</em>, and does much mischief as regards the +practice. <em>I shall not encourage attempts of the kind</em>, but +shall punish them; and I sentence you to the treadmill for a month, +as a rogue and vagabond. I shall look <em>very narrowly at the +cases</em> of persons brought before me on such charges.”</p> +</blockquote> +<p>Sir PETER has, very justly, no compassion for the famishing +wretch stung and goaded “to jump the life to come.” Why +should he? Sir PETER is of that happy class of men who have found +this life too good a thing to leave. “They call this world a +bad world,” says ROTHSCHILD on a certain occasion; “for +my part, I do not know of a better.” And ROTHSCHILD was even +a greater authority than Sir PETER LAURIE on the paradise of +<em>£ s. d.</em></p> +<p>The vice of the day—“a morbid humanity” +towards the would-be suicide—is, happily, doomed. Sir PETER +LAURIE refuses to patronise any effort at self-slaughter; and, +moreover, threatens to “look very narrowly at the +cases” of those despairing fools who may be caught in the +attempt. It would here be well for Sir PETER to inform the suicidal +part of the public what amount of desperation is likely to satisfy +him as to the genuineness of the misery suffered. <em>William +Simmons</em> cuts a gash in his throat; the Alderman is not +satisfied with this, but having looked very narrowly into the +wound, declares it to be a proper case for the treadmill. We can +well believe that an impostor trading on the morbid humanity of the +times—and there is a greater stroke of business done in the +article than even the sagacity of a LAURIE can imagine—may, +in this cold weather, venture an immersion in the Thames or +Serpentine, making the plunge with a declaratory scream, the better +to extract practical compassion from the pockets of a morbidly +humane society; we can believe this, Sir PETER, and feel no more +for the trickster than if our heart were made of the best contract +saddle-leather; but we confess a cut-throat staggers us; we fear, +with all our caution, we should be converted to a belief in misery +by a gash near the windpipe. Sir PETER, however, with his enlarged +mind, professes himself determined to probe the wound—to look +narrowly into its depth, breadth, and length, and to prescribe the +treadmill, according to the condition of the patient! Had the +cautious Sir PETER been in the kilt of his countryman +<em>Macbeth</em>, he would never have exhibited an “admired +disorder” on the appearance of <em>Banquo</em> with his +larynx severed in two; not he—he would have called the wound +a slight scratch, having narrowly looked into it, and immediately +ordered the ghost to the guard-house.</p> +<p>The Duke of WELLINGTON, who has probably seen as many wounds as +Sir PETER LAURIE, judging the case, would, by his own admission, +have inflicted the same sentence upon the tailor <em>Simmons</em> +as that fulminated by the Alderman. ARTHUR and PETER would, +doubtless, have been of one accord, <em>Simmons</em> avowed himself +to be starving. Now, in this happy land—in this better +Arcadia—every man who wants food is proved by such want an +idler or a drunkard. The victor of Waterloo—the tutelary +wisdom of England’s counsels—has, in the solemnity of +his Parliamentary authority, declared as much. Therefore it is most +right that the lazy, profligate tailor, with a scar in his throat, +should mount the revolving wheel for one month, to meditate upon +the wisdom of Dukes and the judgments of Aldermen!</p> +<p>We no more thought of dedicating a whole page to one Sir PETER +LAURIE, than the zoological Mr. CROSS would think of devoting an +acre of his gardens to one ass, simply because it happened to be +the largest known specimen of the species. But, without knowing it, +Sir PETER has given a fine illustration of the besetting +selfishness of the times. Had LAURIE been born to hide his ears in +a coronet, he could not have more strongly displayed the social +insensibility of the day. The prosperous saddler, and the wretched, +woe-begone tailor, are admirable types of the giant arrogance that +dominates—of the misery that suffers.</p> +<p>There is nothing more talked of with less consideration of its +meaning and relative value than—Life. Has it not a thousand +different definitions? Is it the same thing to two different +men?</p> +<p>Ask the man of independent wealth and sound body to paint Life, +and what a very pretty picture he will lay before you. He lives in +another world—has, as <em>Sir Anthony Absolute</em> says, a +sun and moon of his own—a realm of fairies, with attending +sprites to perform his every compassable wish. To him life is a +most musical monosyllable; making his heart dance, and thrilling +every nerve with its so-potent harmony. Life—but especially +his life—is, indeed, a sacred thing to him; and loud and deep +are his praises of its miracles. Like the departed ROTHSCHILD, +“he does not know a better;” certain we are, he is in +no indecent haste to seek it.</p> +<p>Demand of the prosperous man of trade—of the man of funds, +and houses, and land, acquired by successful projects—what is +Life? He will try to call up a philosophic look, and passing his +chin through his hand—(there is a brilliant on his little +finger worth at least fifty guineas)—he will answer, +“Life, sir—Life has its ups and downs; but taken +altogether, for my part, I think a man a great sinner, a very great +sinner, who doesn’t look upon life as a very pretty thing. +But don’t let’s talk of such dry stuff—take off +your glass—hang it!—no heel-taps.”</p> +<p>Ask another, whose whole soul, like a Ready Reckoner, is +composed of figures,—what is Life? He, perhaps, will answer, +“Why, sir, Life—if you insure at our office—is +worth more than at any other establishment. We divide profits, and +the rate of insurance decreases in proportion,” &c. +&c.; and thus you will have Life valued, by the man who sees +nothing in it but a privilege to get money, as the merest article +of commercial stock.</p> +<p>Inquire of many an Alderman what is Life? He will tell you that +it is a fine, dignified, full-bellied, purple-faced creature, in a +furred and violet-coloured gown. “Life,” he will say, +“always has its pleasures; but its day of great delight is +the Ninth of November. Life, however, is especially agreeable in +swan-hopping season, when white-bait abounds at Blackwall and +Greenwich, and when the Lord Mayor gives his Easter-ball; and +‘keeps up the hospitalities of his high office.’” +Not, however, that life is without its graver duties—its +religious observations. Oh, no! it is the duty of well-to-do Life +to punish starving men for forgetting its surpassing +loveliness—it is a high obligation of Life to go to church in +a carriage, and confess itself a miserable sinner—it is the +duty of Life to read its bible; and then the Alderman, to show that +he is well versed in the volume, quotes a passage—“when +the voice of the turtle is heard in the land.”</p> +<p>Now ask the Paisley weaver what is Life? Bid the famine-stricken +multitudes of Bolton to describe with their white lips the +surpassing beauty of human existence. Can it be possible that the +glorious presence—the beneficent genius that casts its +blessings in the paths of other men—is such an ogre, a fiend, +to the poor? Alas! is he not a daily tyrant, scourging with meanest +wants—a creature that, with all its bounty to others, is to +the poor and destitute more terrible than Death? Let Comfort paint +a portrait of Life, and now Penury take the pencil. “Pooh! +pooh!” cry the sage LAURIES of the world, looking at the two +pictures—“that scoundrel Penury has drawn an infamous +libel. <em>That</em> Life! with that withered face, sunken eye, and +shrivelled lip; and what is worse, with a suicidal scar in its +throat! <em>That</em> Life! The painter Penury is committed for a +month as a rogue and vagabond. We shall look very narrowly into +these cases.”</p> +<p>We agree with the profound Sir PETER LAURIE that it is a most +wicked, a most foolish act of the poor man to end his misery by +suicide. But we think there is a better remedy for such desperation +than the tread-mill. The surest way for the rich and powerful of +the world to make the poor man more careful of his life is to +render it of greater value to him.</p> +<p class="rgt">Q.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page211" name="page211"></a>[pg +211]</span> +<h2>PUNCH’S PENCILLINGS.—No. XVIII.</h2> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/018-09.png"><img src= +"images/018-09.png" alt= +"Several men in (female) theatrical costumes." id="img018-09" name= +"img018-09" width="100%" /></a> +<p>POLITICAL THEATRICALS EXTRAORDINARY.</p> +<p>NORMA.</p> +<table summary="Norma" style="width:77%;margin:auto;"> +<tr> +<td>NORMA (the Deserted)</td> +<td>LORD MELBOURNE.</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td>ADALGISA (the Seductive)</td> +<td>SIR R. PEEL.</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td>POLLIO (the Faithless)</td> +<td>MR. WAKLEY.</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td>CHILDREN</td> +<td>MASTERS RUSSELL & MORPETH.</td> +</tr> +</table> +</div> +<!-- [pg 212] --> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page213" name="page213"></a>[pg +213]</span> +<h2>THE PHYSIOLOGY OF THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT.</h2> +<h3>7.—OF VARIOUS OTHER DIVERTING MATTERS CONNECTED WITH +GRINDING.</h3> +<div class="dropcap"><a href="images/018-10.png"><img src= +"images/018-10.png" alt="A man carrying a load forms a letter F." +id="img018-10" name="img018-10" width="100%" /></a></div> +<p><span class="hide">F</span>rom experience we are aware that the +invention of the useful species of phrenotypics, alluded to in our +last chapter, does not rest with the grinder alone. We once knew a +medical student (and many even now at the London hospitals will +recollect his name without mentioning it), who, when he was +grinding for the Hall, being naturally of a melodious and harmonic +disposition, conceived the idea of learning the whole of his +practice of physic by setting a description of the diseases to +music. He had a song of some hundred and twenty verses, which he +called “The Poetry of Steggall’s Manual;” and +this he put to the tune of the “Good Old Days of Adam and +Eve.” We deeply lament that we cannot produce the whole of +this lyrical pathological curiosity. Two verses, however, linger on +our memory, and these we have written down, requesting that they +may be said or sung to the air above-mentioned, and dedicating them +to the gentlemen who are going up next Thursday evening. They +relate to the symptoms, treatment, and causes of Hæmoptysis +and Hæmatemesis; which terms respectively imply, for the +benefit of the million unprofessional readers who weekly gasp for +our fresh number, a spitting of blood from the lungs and a vomiting +of ditto from the stomach. The song was composed of stanzas similar +to those which follow, except the portion relating to <em>Diseases +of the Brain</em>, which was more appropriately separated into the +old English division of <em>Fyttes</em>.</p> +<h4>HÆMOPTYSIS.</h4> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>A sensation of weight and oppression at the chest, sirs;</p> +<p>With tickling at the larynx, which scarcely gives you rest, +sirs;</p> +<p>Full hard pulse, salt taste, and tongue very white, sirs;</p> +<p>And blood brought up in coughing, of colour very bright, +sirs.</p> +<p>It depends on causes three—the first’s +exhalation;</p> +<p>The next a ruptured artery—the third, ulceration.</p> +<p>In treatment we may bleed, keep the patient cool and quiet,</p> +<p>Acid drinks, digitalis, and attend to a mild diet.</p> +<p class="i6">Sing hey, sing ho, we do not grieve</p> +<p class="i6">When this formidable illness takes its leave.</p> +</div> +</div> +<h4>HÆMATEMESIS.</h4> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Clotted blood is thrown up, in colour very black, sirs,</p> +<p>And generally sudden, as it comes up in a crack, sirs.</p> +<p>It’s preceded at the stomach by a weighty sensation;</p> +<p>But nothing appears ruptured upon examination.</p> +<p>It differs from the last, by the particles thrown off, sirs,</p> +<p>Being denser, deeper-coloured, and without a bit of cough, +sirs.</p> +<p>In plethoric habits bleed, and some acid draughts pour in, +gents,</p> +<p>With Oleum Terebinthinæ (small doses) and astringents.</p> +<p class="i6">Sing hey, sing ho; if you think the lesion +spacious,</p> +<p class="i6">The Acetate of Lead is found very efficacious.</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>Thus, in a few lines a great deal of valuable professional +information is conveyed, at the same time that the tedium of much +study is relieved by the harmony. If poetry is yet to be found in +our hospitals—a queer place certainly for her to dwell, +unless in her present feeble state the frequenters of Parnassus +have subscribed to give her an in-patient’s ticket—we +trust that some able hand will continue this subject for the +benefit of medical students generally; for, we repeat, it is much +to be regretted that no more of this valuable production remains to +us than the portion which Punch has just immortalized, and set +forth as an apt example for cheering the pursuit of knowledge under +difficulties. The gifted hand who arranged this might have turned +Cooper’s First Lines of Surgery into a tragedy; Dr. +Copeland’s Medical Dictionary into a domestic melodrama, with +long intervals between the acts; and the Pharmacopoeia into a light +one-act farce. It strikes us if the theatres could enter into an +arrangement with the Borough Hospitals to supply an amputation +every evening as the finishing <em>coup</em> to an act, it would +draw immensely when other means failed to attract.</p> +<p>The last time we heard this poem was at an harmonic meeting of +medical students, within twenty shells’ length of the +—— School dissecting-room. It was truly delightful to +see these young men snatching a few Anacreontic hours from their +harassing professional occupations. At the time we heard it, the +singer was slightly overcome by excitement and tight boots; and, at +length, being prevailed upon to remove the obnoxious +understandings, they were passed round the table to be admired, and +eventually returned to their owner, filled with half-and-half, +cigar-ashes, broken pipes, bread-crusts, and gin-and-water. This +was a jocular pleasantry, which only the hilarious mind of a +medical student could have conceived.</p> +<p>As the day of examination approaches, the economy of our friend +undergoes a complete transformation, but in an inverse +entomological progression—changing from the butterfly into +the chrysalis. He is seldom seen at the hospitals, dividing the +whole of his time between the grinder and his lodgings; taking +innumerable notes at one place, and endeavouring to decipher them +at the other. Those who have called upon him at this trying period +have found him in an old shooting-jacket and slippers, seated at a +table, and surrounded by every book that was ever written upon +every medical subject that was ever discussed, all of which he +appears to be reading at once—with little pieces of paper +strewn all over the room, covered with strange hieroglyphics and +extraordinary diagrams of chemical decompositions. His brain is +just as full of temporary information as a bad egg is of +sulphuretted hydrogen; and it is a fortunate provision of nature +that the <em>dura mater</em> is of a tough fibrous +texture—were it not for this safeguard, the whole mass would +undoubtedly go off at once like a too tightly-rammed rocket. He is +conscious of this himself, from the grinding information wherein he +has been taught that the brain has three coverings, in the +following order:—the <em>dura mater</em>, or Chesterfield +overall; the <em>tunica arachnoidea</em>, or “dress coat of +fine Saxony cloth;” and, in immediate contact, the <em>pia +mater</em>, or five-and-sixpenny long cloth shirt with linen +wristbands and fronts. This is a brilliant specimen of the helps to +memory which the grinder affords, as splendid in its arrangement as +the topographical methods of calling to mind the course of the +large arteries, which define the abdominal aorta as Cheapside, its +two common iliac branches, as Newgate-street and St. Paul’s +Churchyard, and the medio sacralis given off between them, as +Paternoster-row.</p> +<p>Time goes on, bringing the fated hour nearer and nearer; and the +student’s assiduity knows no bounds. He reads his subjects +over and over again, to keep them fresh in his memory, like little +boys at school, who try to catch a last bird’s-eye glance of +their book before they give it into the usher’s hands to say +by heart. He now feels a deep interest in the statistics of the +Hall, and is horrified at hearing that “nine men out of +thirteen were sent back last Thursday!” The subjects, too, +that they were rejected upon frighten him just as much. One was +plucked upon his anatomy; another, because he could not tell the +difference between a daisy and a chamomile; and a third, after +“being in” three hours and a quarter, was sent back, +for his inability to explain the process of making malt from +barley,—an operation, whose final use he so well understands, +although the preparation somewhat bothered him. And thus, funking +at the rejection of a clever man, or marvelling at the success of +an acknowledged fool—determining to take prussic acid in the +event of being refused—reading fourteen hours a day—and +keeping awake by the combined influence of snuff and +coffee—the student finds his first ordeal approach.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>TRUE ECONOMY.</h3> +<p>Peter Borthwick experienced a sad disappointment lately. Having +applied to the City Chamberlain for the situation of Lord +Mayor’s fool, he was told that the Corporation, in a true +spirit of economy, had decided upon dividing the duties amongst +themselves. Peter was—but we were not—surprised that +between the Aldermen and tom-foolery there should exist</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/018-11.png"><img src= +"images/018-11.png" alt="Two men connected with handcuffs." id= +"img018-11" name="img018-11" width="50%" /></a> +<p>A STRONG ATTACHMENT.</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page214" name="page214"></a>[pg +214]</span> +<h3>THE LORD MAYOR’S FOOL.</h3> +<p>We are happy in being able to announce that it is the intention +of the new potentate of Guildhall to revive the ancient and +honourable office of “Lord Mayor’s Fool.” A +number of candidates have already offered themselves, whose +qualifications for the situation are so equally balanced, that it +is a matter of no small difficulty to decide amongst them. The +Light of the City has, we understand, called in Gog and +Magog—Sir Peter Laurie and Alderman Humphrey—to assist +him in selecting a fit and proper person upon whom to bestow the +Civic cap and bells.</p> +<p>The following is a list of the individuals whose claims are +under consideration:—</p> +<p><em>The Marquis of Londonderry</em>, who founds his claims upon +the fact of his always creating immense laughter whenever he opens +his mouth.</p> +<p><em>Lord Brougham</em>, who grounds his pretensions upon the +agility displayed by him in his favourite character of “the +Political Harlequin.”</p> +<p><em>Lord Normanby</em>, upon the peculiar fitness of his +physiognomy to play the Fool in any Court.</p> +<p><em>Daniel O’Connell</em>, upon his impudence, and his +offer to fool it in his new scarlet gown and cocked-hat.</p> +<p><em>Peter Borthwick</em>, upon his brilliant wit, which it is +intended shall supersede the Bude Light in the House of +Commons.</p> +<p><em>Colonel Sibthorp</em>, upon his jokes, which have convulsed +all the readers of PUNCH, including himself.</p> +<p><em>George Stephens</em>, upon the immense success of his +tragedy of “Martinuzzi,” which, to the outrageous +merriment of the audience, turned out to be a farce.</p> +<p><em>T. Wakley</em>, upon the comical way in which he turns his +Cap of Liberty into a <em>Wellington-Wig</em> and back again at the +shortest notice.</p> +<p><em>Sir Francis Burdett</em>, upon the exceeding complacency +with which he wears his own fool’s-cap.</p> +<p><em>Ben D’Israeli</em>, upon his unadulterated simplicity, +and the unfurnished state of his attic.</p> +<p><em>Mr. Muntz</em>, upon the <em>primâ facie</em> evidence +that he is a near relative of Gog and Magog, and therefore the best +entitled to the Civic Foolship.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<h2>PUNCH’S CATECHISM OF GEOGRAPHY.</h2> +<p>The astonishing increase of the great metropolis in every +direction—the growing up of Brixton and Clapham—the +discovery of inhabited streets and houses in the <em>terra +incognita</em> to the northward of Pentonville—and the spirit +of maritime enterprise which the late successful voyages made by +the <em>Bridegroom</em> steam-boat to the coast of Chelsea has +excited in the public mind—has induced a thirst for +knowledge, and a desire to be acquainted with the exact +geographical position of this habitable world, of which it is +admitted Pinnock’s work does not give the remotest idea. To +supply this deficiency, PUNCH begs leave to offer to his friends +and readers <em>his</em> Catechism of Geography, which, if received +with the extraordinary favour it deserves from the public, may be +followed by catechisms on other interesting branches of +knowledge.</p> +<h3>CHAPTER I.</h3> +<h4>OF THE WORLD IN GENERAL.</h4> +<p><em>Q.</em> What is geography?</p> +<p><em>A.</em> The looking for <em>places</em> on a map, or in +Downing-street, or anywhere else in the world.</p> +<p><em>Q.</em> What do you mean by the world?</p> +<p><em>A.</em> Every place comprehended within the circle of a +sixpenny omnibus fare from the Bank.</p> +<p><em>Q.</em> Of what is the world composed?</p> +<p><em>A.</em> Of bricks and mortar, and Thames water.</p> +<p><em>Q.</em> Into how many parts is the world usually +divided?</p> +<p><em>A.</em> Into four great parts, viz.—London, +Westminster, Marylebone, and Finsbury; to which may be added the +Borough, which is over the water. Or it may be said that Fashion +has divided the world into two distinct parts, viz.—the +East-end and the West-end, and a great number of suburbs.</p> +<p><em>Q.</em> How are the bricks and mortar subdivided?</p> +<p><em>A.</em> Into continents, islands, peninsulas, and +isthmuses.</p> +<p><em>Q.</em> What is a continent?</p> +<p><em>A.</em> Any district containing a number of separate +residences and distinct tenements, as <em>St. James’s</em>, +<em>St. Giles’s</em>.</p> +<p><em>Q.</em> What is an island?</p> +<p><em>A.</em> An island is anything surrounded by the Thames, as +<em>The Eel-Pie Island</em>, and <em>The Convict Hulk</em> at +Deptford.</p> +<p><em>Q.</em> What is a peninsula?</p> +<p><em>A.</em> Anything that runs into the Thames, as <em>The +Suspension Pier at Chelsea</em>, and <em>Jack-in-the-Water</em> at +the Tower-stairs.</p> +<p><em>Q.</em> What is an isthmus?</p> +<p><em>A.</em> A narrow place that joins two continents together, +as <em>Temple bar</em>, which joins <em>Westminster</em> to the +<em>City</em>.</p> +<p><em>Q.</em> How is the Thames water divided?</p> +<p><em>A.</em> Morally speaking, it is divided into river water, +pipe water, and gin-and-water.</p> +<p><em>Q.</em> Where is river water found?</p> +<p><em>A.</em> Anywhere between Vauxhall and London Bridges. It is +inhabited principally by flounders and bargemen.</p> +<p><em>Q.</em> What is pipe water?</p> +<p><em>A.</em> An intermitting stream, having its source at some +distant basin. It usually runs into a cistern, until the +water-rates get into arrear, when the supply ceases through the +intervention of a turncock.</p> +<p><em>Q.</em> Where is gin-and-water to be found?</p> +<p><em>A.</em> All over the world; but especially in the vicinity +of a cab-stand.</p> +<p><em>Q.</em> In what other manner is the Thames water +divided?</p> +<p><em>A.</em> Physically speaking, into oceans, seas, gulfs, bays, +straits, lakes and rivers.</p> +<p><em>Q.</em> What is an ocean?</p> +<p><em>A.</em> Any great body of water whose limits it is +impossible to describe, as <em>The Floating Bath</em> at +Southwark-bridge, and <em>The Real Tank</em> at the Adelphi +Theatre.</p> +<p><em>Q.</em> What is a sea?</p> +<p><em>A.</em> Any small collection of water, as at +Chel<em>sea</em>, Batter<em>sea.</em></p> +<p><em>Q.</em> What is a gulf?</p> +<p><em>A.</em> A gulf is any place, the greater part of which is +surrounded by lawyers, as <em>Lincoln’s Inn,—The Court +of Chancery</em>.</p> +<p><em>Q.</em> What is a haven?</p> +<p><em>A.</em> A commodious harbour, where people lie at anchor in +perfect security, as <em>The Queen’s Bench,—The +Fleet</em>, the sight of which is</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/018-12.png"><img src= +"images/018-12.png" alt= +"Three men in a boat look at a man who is working strenuously in another boat." +id="img018-12" name="img018-12" width="80%" /></a> +<p>ENOUGH TO TURN ONE’S HEAD.</p> +</div> +<p><em>Q.</em> What is a strait?</p> +<p><em>A.</em> A strait is a narrow passage which connects two +broad principles as <em>Wakley’s Straits</em>, which join +Radicalism and Conservatism.</p> +<p><em>Q.</em> What is a lake?</p> +<p><em>A.</em> A lake is any small portion of Honesty, entirely +surrounded by Self, as <em>Peel’s Politics</em>.</p> +<p><em>Q.</em> What is a river?</p> +<p><em>A.</em> A river is a Tax-stream which rises from the +Treasury, and runs into the pockets of the Ministerial party. The +People are <em>the source</em> of the stream—the Ministry is +<em>the mouth</em>. When the mouth is very wide, it is called a +<em>Tory mouth</em>. The <em>right</em> or <em>left</em> banks of a +Tax stream are the <em>Treasury</em> or <em>Opposition +benches</em>, to the right or left of the Speaker when he has his +back to the source.</p> +<p><em>Q.</em> How are tax streams divided?</p> +<p><em>A.</em> Into <em>salaries</em> and <em>pensions</em>.</p> +<p><em>Q.</em> What is <em>a conflux</em>?</p> +<p><em>A.</em> Any place where two or more salaries or pensions are +united, as The Duke’s breeches-pocket.</p> +<p><em>Q.</em> Is there any other peculiarity attending a tax +stream?</p> +<p><em>A.</em> Yes. <em>Radicalism</em> is that part of a stream +nearest to its <em>source</em>; <em>Toryism</em> that part nearest +to its <em>mouth</em>.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>SPARKS FROM THE FIRE.</h3> +<h4>ALL IS NOT LOST.</h4> +<p>Colonel Sibthorp begs to inform the Editor of Punch that the +loss of the wooden gun named “Policy,” which was +destroyed by the late fire at the Tower, is not irreparable. He has +himself been for a long time employed by the Tories for a similar +purpose as that for which the “Policy” had been +successfully used, namely, to make the enemy believe they were well +provided with real artillery; and being now the <em>greatest wooden +gun</em> in the world, he will, immediately on the Lower Armoury +being rebuilt, be happy to take the place of the gun which has been +unfortunately consumed.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page215" name="page215"></a>[pg +215]</span> +<h2>DISTRESS OF THE COUNTRY.</h2> +<h4>BY THE AUTHOR OF “LIGHTS AND SHADOWS OF LONDON +LIFE.”</h4> +<p>Merciful Heaven! we shudder as we write! The state of +destitution to which the civic authorities are reduced is +appalling. Will our readers believe it—there were only five +hundred tureens of turtle, or two thousand five hundred pints, or +<em>five thousand</em> basins, amongst not quite fifteen hundred +guests,—only two basins and a half a man,—for the first +course! But we print the bill of fare; it will be read with intense +interest by the manufacturers of Paisley, inhabitants of poor-law +unions, but more especially by the literary community.</p> +<p>“GENERAL BILL OF FARE.—250 tureens of real turtle, +containing five pints each; 200 bottles of sherbet; 6 dishes of +fish; 30 entrées; 4 boiled turkeys and oysters; 60 roast +pullets; 60 dishes of fowls; 46 ditto of capons; 50 French pies; 60 +pigeon pies; 53 hams (ornamented); 43 tongues; 2 quarters of house +lamb; 2 barons of beef; 3 rounds of beef; 2 stewed rumps of beef; +13 sirloins, rumps, and ribs of beef; 6 dishes of asparagus; 60 +ditto of mashed and other potatoes; 44 ditto of shell-fish; 4 ditto +of prawns; 140 jellies; 50 blancmanges; 40 dishes of tarts +(creamed); 30 ditto of orange and other tourtes; 40 ditto of almond +pastry; 20 Chantilly baskets; 60 dishes of mince pies; 56 salads; +peas and asparagus. The Removes:—30 roast turkeys; 6 +leverets; 80 pheasants; 24 geese; 40 dishes of partridges; 15 +dishes of wild fowl; 2 pea-fowls. Dessert:—100 pineapples, +from 2 lb. to 3 lb. each; 200 dishes of hot-house grapes; 250 ice +creams; 50 dishes of apples; 100 ditto of pears; 60 ornamented +Savoy cakes; 75 plates of walnuts; 80 ditto of dried fruit and +preserves; 50 ditto of preserved ginger; 60 ditto of rout cakes and +chips; 46 ditto of brandy cherries.</p> +<p>“THE PRINCIPAL TABLE (at which the Right Hon. the Lord +Mayor presides).—10 tureens of turtle, 10 bottles of sherbet, +6 dishes of fish, 30 entrées, 1 boiled turkey and oysters, 2 +roast pullets, 2 dishes of fowls, 2 ditto of capons, 2 French pies, +2 pigeon pies, 2 hams (ornamented), 2 tongues, 1 quarter of +house-lamb, 1 stewed rump of beef, 1 sirloin of beef, 6 dishes of +asparagus, 2 dishes of mashed and other potatoes, 3 ditto of +shell-fish, 1 dish of prawns, 3 jellies, 3 blancmanges, 2 dishes of +tarts (creamed), 2 dishes of orange and other tourtes, 2 dishes of +almond pastry, 4 Chantilly baskets, 2 dishes of mince pies, 4 +salads. Removes:—3 roast turkeys, 1 leveret, 3 pheasants, 2 +geese, 2 dishes of partridges, 1 dish of wild fowl, 2 peafowls. +Dessert:—6 pine-apples, 12 dishes of grapes, 10 ice creams, 2 +dishes of apples, 4 dishes of pears, 2 ornamented Savoy cakes, 3 +plates of walnuts, 4 plates of dried fruit and preserves, 3 plates +of preserved ginger, 3 plates of rout cakes and chips, 3 plates of +brandy cherries.</p> +<p>“THE FIVE UPPER TABLES.—80 tureens of turtle, 60 +bottles of sherbet, 3 boiled turkeys and oysters, 16 roast pullets, +20 dishes of fowls, 15 ditto of capons, 16 French pies, 16 pigeon +pies, 16 hams (ornamented), 13 tongues, 1 quarter of house-lamb, 1 +round of beef, 1 stewed rump of beef, 4 sirloins, rumps and ribs of +beef, 20 dishes of mashed and other potatoes, 12 ditto of +shell-fish, 1 dish of prawns, 40 jellies, 16 blancmanges, 13 dishes +of tarts (creamed), 9 ditto of orange and other tourtes, 13 ditto +of almond pastry, 16 Chantilly baskets, 20 dishes of mince pies, 17 +salads. Removes: 23 roast turkeys, 5 leverets, 23 pheasants, 7 +geese, 13 dishes of partridges, 5 ditto of wild fowl. +Dessert:—32 pine-apples, 64 dishes of grapes, 80 ice creams, +15 dishes of apples, 30 ditto of pears, 18 ornamented Savoy cakes, +24 plates of walnuts, 26 ditto of dried fruit and preserves, 15 +ditto of preserved ginger, 18 ditto of rout cakes and chips, 14 +ditto of brandy cherries.</p> +<p>“THE FIVE SHORT TABLES NEXT THE UPPER TABLES.—26 +tureens of turtle, 22 bottles of sherbet, 3 roast pullets, 6 dishes +of fowls, 5 dishes of capons, 5 French pies, 7 pigeon pies, 6 hams +(ornamented), 5 tongues, 1 sirloin of beef, 6 dishes of mashed and +other potatoes, 5 ditto of shell-fish, 1 dish of prawns, 16 +jellies, 5 blancmanges, 4 dishes of tarts (creamed), 3 dishes of +orange and other tourtes, 4 dishes of almond pastry, 6 dishes of +mince pies, 6 salads. Removes:—10 roast turkeys, 10 +pheasants, 3 geese, 4 dishes of partridges. Dessert:—10 +pine-apples, 20 dishes of grapes, 26 ice creams, 5 dishes of +apples, 12 ditto of pears, 7 ornamented Savoy cakes, 8 plates of +walnuts, 8 ditto of dried fruit and preserves, 5 ditto of preserved +ginger, 7 ditto of rout cakes and chips, 5 ditto of brandy +cherries.</p> +<p>“THE FOUR LONG TABLES IN THE BODY OF THE HALL.—80 +tureens of turtle, 60 bottles of sherbet, 17 roast pullets, 20 +dishes of fowls, 15 dishes of capons, 16 French pies, 20 pigeon +pies, 16 hams (ornamented), 13 tongues, 1 round of beef, 1 stewed +rump of beef, 4 sirloins, rumps, and ribs of beef, 20 dishes of +mashed and other potatoes, 13 dishes of shell-fish, 40 jellies, 16 +blancmanges, 13 dishes of tarts (creamed), 10 ditto of orange and +other tourtes, 13 ditto of almond pastry, 20 ditto of mince pies, +17 salads. Removes:—23 roast turkeys, 23 pheasants, 7 geese, +13 dishes of partridges, 5 ditto of wild fowl. Dessert:—32 +pine-apples, 64 dishes of grapes, 80 ice creams, 16 dishes of +apples, 30 ditto of pears, 20 ornamented Savoy cakes, 24 plates of +walnuts. 26 ditto of dried fruit and preserves, 16 ditto of +preserved ginger, 20 ditto of rout cakes and chips, 15 ditto of +brandy cherries.</p> +<p>“THE SEVEN SIDE TABLES.—24 tureens of turtle, 20 +bottles of sherbet, 7 roast pullets, 5 dishes of fowls, 4 ditto of +capons, 5 French pies, 5 pigeon pies, 6 hams (ornamented), 4 +tongues, 1 sirloin of beef, 5 dishes of mashed and other potatoes, +4 ditto of shell-fish, 1 dish of prawns, 15 jellies, 4 blancmanges, +3 dishes of tarts (creamed), 2 ditto of orange and other tourtes, 3 +ditto of almond pastry, 5 ditto of mince pies, 5 salads. +Removes—9 roast turkeys, 9 pheasants, 2 geese, 20 dishes of +partridges. Dessert:—8 pine-apples, 16 dishes of grapes, 24 +ice creams, 5 dishes of apples, 16 ditto of pears, 6 ornamented +Savoy cakes, 7 plates of walnuts, 7 ditto of dried fruit and +preserves, 5 ditto of preserved ginger, 6 ditto of rout cakes and +chips, 4 ditto of brandy cherries.</p> +<p>“THE THREE TABLES IN THE OLD COURT OF QUEEN’S +BENCH.—30 tureens of turtle, 28 bottles of sherbet, 10 roast +pullets, 7 dishes of fowls. 6 ditto of capons, 5 French pies, 10 +pigeon pies, 7 hams (ornamented), 6 tongues, 1 round of beef, 2 +sirloins and ribs of beef, 7 dishes of mashed and other potatoes, 6 +ditto of shell-fish, 21 jellies, 6 blancmanges, 5 dishes of tarts +(creamed), 4 ditto of orange and other tourtes, 5 ditto of almond +pastry, 7 ditto of mince pies, 7 salads. Removes:—12 roast +turkeys, 12 pheasants, 3 geese, 5 dishes of partridges, 4 ditto of +wild fowl. Dessert:—12 pine-apples, 24 dishes of grapes, 30 +ice creams, 7 dishes of apples, 14 ditto of pears, 7 ornamented +Savoy cakes, 9 plates of walnuts, 9 ditto of dried fruit and +preserves, 6 ditto of preserved ginger, 7 ditto of rout cakes and +chips, 5 ditto of brandy cherries.</p> +<p>“WINES:—Champagne, Hock, Claret, Madeira, Port, and +Sherry.”</p> +<hr /> +<h3>THE DESTRUCTION OF THE ALDERMEN.</h3> +<h4>A MANSION-HOUSE MELODY.</h4> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Apoplexia came down on the Alderman fold,</p> +<p>And his cohorts were gleaming with jaundice like gold,</p> +<p>And the sheen of the spectres that own’d his behest</p> +<p>Glimmer’d bright as the gas at a new Lord +May’r’s feast.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Every fiend that humanity shrinks from was there—</p> +<p>Hepatitis, Lumbago, with hollow-eyed Care,</p> +<p>Hypochondria, and Gout grinning ghastly with pain,</p> +<p>And of Incubi phantoms a horrible train.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>And onwards they gallop’d in brotherly pairs;</p> +<p>Their pennons pale yellow, their steeds were night mares;</p> +<p>And their leader’s grim visage a darksome smile wore</p> +<p>As he gave the word “Halt” at the Mansion-house +door.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>The vision dismounted, and peering within,</p> +<p>’Midst a rattle of glasses and knife and fork din,</p> +<p>His victims beheld, tucking in calipash,</p> +<p>While they hob-nobb’d and toasted in Burgundy wash.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Then he straightway amongst them his grisly form cast,</p> +<p>And breathed on each puffing red face as he pass’d;</p> +<p>And the eyes of the feasters wax’d deadly and chill,</p> +<p>And their stomachs once heaved, and for ever grew still!</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>And the turtle devourers were stretched on the floor—</p> +<p>Each cheek changed to purple—so crimson before!</p> +<p>Their dewlaps all dabbled with red wine and ale,</p> +<p>And extremities cold as a live fish’s tail!</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>And there lay the Liv’ryman, breathless and lorn,</p> +<p>With waistcoat and new inexpressibles torn;</p> +<p>And the Hall was all silent, the band having flown,</p> +<p>And the waiters stared wildly on, sweating and blown!</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>And Cripplegate widows are loud in their wail!</p> +<p>And Mary-Axe orphans all trembling and pale!</p> +<p>For the Alderman glory has melted away,</p> +<p>As mists are dispersed by the glad dawn of day.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3><em>HARMER VIRUMQUE CANO.</em></h3> +<p>In the list of guests at the Lord Mayor’s dinner we did +not perceive the name of “Harmer” among those who met +to “despatch” the viands. On inquiry we learn that +since the fire at the Tower he has secluded himself in his own +<em>Harmer-y</em>, and has not egressed from “Ingress +Abbey,” for fear of incendiaries. The ex-alderman having +however always shown a decided predilection for Gravesend, it is +not wonderful that during the wet season he should be</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/018-13.png"><img src= +"images/018-13.png" alt="A man forces a horse through a pond." id= +"img018-13" name="img018-13" width="80%" /></a> +<p>STOPPING AT A WATERING-PLACE.</p> +</div> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page216" name="page216"></a>[pg +216]</span> +<h2>A CHAPTER ON POLITICS.</h2> +<div class="note"> +<p>WHEREIN “PUNCH” HINTETH AT A STARTLING CHANGE IN THE +MODUS OPERANDI OF LEGISLATION.—HE ALSO EXHIBITETH A PROFOUND +KNOWLEDGE OF FOREIGN AFFAIRS; AND SHOWETH HOW AT HOME WE ARE ALL +ABROAD.</p> +</div> +<p>At a period when every Englishman, from the Minister to the +Quack Doctor (and extremes very often meet), is laying down his +pseudo-political principles, PUNCH desires to expound his practical +and scientific plan for increasing prosperity and preserving peace. +Yes, at a moment like this, when the party difference +“’twixt Tweedledum and Tweedledee” has produced a +total stand-still; when Whigs cannot move, and when Tories will +not,—PUNCH steps forward to prescribe (without a fee) for the +sinking Constitution.</p> +<p>PUNCH <em>loquitur</em>.—A very great genius—one +almost equal to myself—has declared that of the great mass of +mankind, ninety-nine out of every hundred are lost in error. Every +day proves the fact.—From the Peer, who mistakes +exclusiveness for dignity, and a power to injure for a right to +oppress, to the Peasant, who confounds aggression and insolence +with justice and independence, it is all error! error!! +error!!!</p> +<p>Upon this fact rests the basis of my wonderful improvements. If +the majority be wrong, the inference is obvious—the minority +must be right. Then, in future, let everything be conducted by the +minority—the sensible few. Behold the consequences!</p> +<p>In those days we shall have Mr. Samuel Carter Hall, who polled +three days and got—one vote, declared County Member elect. +Sibthorp shall be a man of weight and influence, “giving to +(h)airy nothing a local habitation and a name.” Roebuck shall +be believed to have had ancestors; and shall wring the nose of some +small boy attached to <em>The Times</em> newspaper; and the +Whigs—yes, the Whigs—shall be declared both wise and +honest: though Parliament has pronounced them fools, and the +country has believed them to be knaves.</p> +<p><em>Pupil of Punch, respondet</em>.—That would be a +change, Punch! Rather. Cast your eye around and see the workings of +this grand principle; the labours of the many compassed by the +few—steam and slavery.</p> +<p><em>Punch</em>.—Very true! Let me now draw your attention +to the real difference between the English and some foreign +governments:—</p> +<blockquote> +<p>The Turkish minister generally loses his power and his head at +the same time; the English minister carries on his business without +a head at all. For the performance of his duty the former is +decapitated—the latter is incapacitated.</p> +<p>The Japanese legislator when disgraced invariably rips up his +bowels; the English legislator is invariably in disgrace, but has +no bowels to rip up. With some other nations the unsuccessful +leader gets bow-stringed and comfortably sown up in a sack; our +great man is satisfied with getting the sack, having previously +bagged as much as lay in his power.</p> +</blockquote> +<p>(Next week I may probably continue the lecture and the +parallels.)</p> +<hr /> +<h3>THE PRINCE’S EXTRA.</h3> +<p>At Gray’s Inn the loyalty of that society was manifested +in a very gratifying manner: the treasurer and benchers having +ordered <em>extra wine</em> to be served to the barristers and +students, the health of her Majesty and the infant Prince was drunk +with enthusiastic rapture.</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Long live the Prince! For many a year</p> +<p class="i2">To wet each student’s throttle;</p> +<p>He well deserves an <em>extra cheer</em>,</p> +<p class="i2">Who brings an <em>extra bottle</em>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="full" /> +<h2>PUNCH’S THEATRE.</h2> +<h3>THE WRONG MAN.</h3> +<p>The author of this farce hath placed himself in the first +section of the second chapter of that treatise on “Dramatic +Casualties” which hath helped to make “Punch” the +oracle of wit and of wisdom he has become to the entire +intelligence of the land, from the aristocracy +upwards<sup>2</sup><span class="sidenote">2. Punch, No. 11 page +131.</span>. In this instance he is truly one who “writeth a +farce or comedy and neglecteth to introduce jokes in the +same.” But this we hope will prove a solitary instance of +such neglect; for when he next inditeth, may he show that he is not +the “Wrong Man” to write a good piece; although alas, +he appeared on Saturday last to be exactly the right man for +penning a bad one.</p> +<p>When a playwright produces a plot whose incidents are just +within the possibilities, and far beyond the probabilities, of this +life, it is said to be “ingenious,” because of the +crowd of circumstances that are huddled into each scene. According +to this acceptation, the “Wrong Man” would be a highly +ingenious farce; if that may be called a farce from which the +remotest semblance of facetiæ is scrupulously excluded. +Proceed we, therefore, to an analysis of the fable with becoming +gravity.</p> +<p>At the outset we are introduced to a maiden lady in +(<em>horresco referens!</em>) her private apartment; but to save +scandal, the introduction is not made without company—there +is also her maid. <em>Patty Smart</em>, although not a new servant, +has chosen that precise moment to inform her mistress concerning +the exact situation of her private circumstances, and the precise +state of her heart. She is in love: it is for <em>Simon Tack</em> +that the flame is kept alive; he, a dapper upholder, upholds her +affections. At this point, a triangular note is produced, which +plainly foretells a dishonourable rival. You are not deceived; it +proposes an assignation in that elysium of bachelors and precipice +of destruction for young ladies, the Albany. Wonderful to relate, +it is from <em>Miss Thomasina Fringe’s</em> nephew, <em>Sir +Bryan Beausex</em>. The maiden dame is inconceivably shocked; and +to show her detestation of this indelicate proposal, agrees to +personate <em>Patty</em> and keep the appointment herself, for the +pleasure of inflicting on her nephew a heap of mortification and a +moral lecture. <em>Mr. Tack</em> is the next appearance: being an +upholsterer, of course he has the run of the house, so it is not at +all odd to find him in a maiden lady’s boudoir; the more +especially as he enters from behind his natural element—the +window curtains.</p> +<p>It is astonishing with what pertinacity the characters in most +farces will bore one with their private affairs when they first +appear! In this respect <em>Sir Bryan Beausex</em>, in the next +scene, is quite as bad as <em>Patty</em> was in the former one. He +seems to have invited four unoffending victims to dine at his +chambers in the Albany, on purpose to inform them that in his youth +he was betrothed to a girl whom he has never since seen; but what +that has to do with telling his guests to be off, because he +expects a charming little lady’s-maid at six, his companions +are doubtless puzzled to understand. One of them, however, is +<em>Beechwood</em>—a very considerably diluted edition of +<em>Jerry Bumps</em> in “Turning the Tables”—who +determines to revenge this early turn-out by a trick upon the +inhospitable host, and goes off to develop it—to commence, in +fact, the farce.</p> +<p><em>Sir Bryan Beausex</em> is waiting with impatience the +arrival of <em>Patty</em>, when his servant enters with a letter, +which he says has been just delivered by a servant, who galloped up +to the door on a horse—an extraordinary clever hack, we +should say; for, to perform this feat, he must have broken through +a porter’s lodge, galloped over a smooth pavement, and under +a roof so low, that Lord Burghersh can only traverse it with his +hat off. We should like to see a horse-race in the Albany avenue! +The letter thus so cavalierly brought, contains news of an accident +that has happened to <em>Miss Fringe</em>, and summons +<em>Beausex’s</em> immediate presence. Off he goes, and on +comes <em>Beechwood</em> with a “Ha! ha! ha!, fairly +hoaxed,” and all that; which is usually laughed and said by +hoaxers <em>of</em> hoaxees.</p> +<p>It has happened that <em>Mr. Tack</em>, the upholsterer, having +had a peep at the contents of the cocked-hat billet, addressed to +Mistress <em>Smart</em>, conceives a violent fit of jealousy, and +having also <em>Beausex’s</em> custom, has the range of his +house as well as that of <em>Miss Fringe</em>. So by this time we +naturally find him behind <em>Sir Bryan’s</em> +window-curtains, to witness the interview between him and the +future <em>Mrs. Tack</em>; that is to say, if she prove not +false.</p> +<p>Things approach to a crisis. <em>Miss Fringe</em> enters, but +brings with her <em>Alice</em>, the young lady whose infant heart +was betrothed to <em>Beausex</em>. She, taking the place of +<em>Patty Smart</em>, goes through a dialogue with +<em>Beechwood</em> instead of <em>Beausex</em>; and we now learn +that the former christens the farce, he being the “Wrong +Man.” Somewhere near this point of the story the first act +ends.</p> +<p>The second act is occupied in clearing up the mistakes which the +audience know all about already; but those among them who had, up +to about the middle of it, been waiting with exemplary patience for +the jokes, began to get tired of having nothing to laugh at, and +hissed. Despite these noisy drawbacks, however, we were able to +find out that <em>Beausex</em> loses his cousin <em>Alice</em> and +her fortune (a regular farce fortune—some five or six hundred +thousand pounds or so); for she falls in love with +<em>Beechwood</em>, and <em>vice versa</em>. <em>Tack</em> and +<em>Patty Smart</em> are rendered happy; but what really becomes of +<em>Beausex</em> and his aunt the sibilants forbad our knowing. We +suppose, by Mr. Bartley’s pantomime, that <em>Sir Bryan</em> +puts up with his hoax and his lady-loss with a good grace; for he +flourished about his never-absent pocket-handkerchief with one +hand, shook hands with <em>Miss Fringe</em> with the other, stepped +forward, did some more dumb show to the dissentients, and, with the +rest of the actors, bowed down the curtain.</p> +<p>We perceive by the Times that the author of the “Wrong +Man” is not so very culpable after all. He is guiltless of +the plot; that being taken from a French piece called “Le +Tapissier.”</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<h3>THE MASONS AND THE STONE JUG.</h3> +<p>Mr. Wakley feelingly remarked at the late meeting of the union +masons that the “man who would lock up <em>a pump</em> was +unfit to hold any situation of trust.” On the strength of +this opinion the Earl of Waklegrave and Captain Duff intend to +proceed against the Marshal of the Queen’s Bench for having +<em>locked them up</em> for these last six months.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>“THE FORCE OF FANCY COULD NO FURTHER GO.”</h3> +<p>The Times gives an extract from the <em>Norwich Aurora</em>, an +American paper, descriptive of a newly discovered cavern. The +writer, with a power of imagination almost marvellous, remarks, +“The air in the cavern had a peculiar smell, +resembling—NOTHING.” We believe that is the identical +flavour of “<em>Leg of Nothing and no +turnips</em>.”</p> +<hr /> +<h3>CONUNDRUM BY THE LORD MAYOR.</h3> +<p>Why does a drunken milkmaid resemble a celebrated French +diplomatist?—Because she is like to +<em>tally-wrong</em>—(Talleyrand.)</p> +<hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +1, November 13, 1841, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14936-h.htm or 14936-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/9/3/14936/ + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the +Online Distributed Proofreading Team Syamanta + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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