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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1,
+November 13, 1841, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, November 13, 1841
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14936]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team Syamanta
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 1.
+
+
+
+FOR THE WEEK ENDING NOVEMBER 13, 1841.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE BIRTH OF THE PRINCE OF WALES.
+
+(_By the Observer's own Correspondent._)
+
+It will be seen that we were not premature in announcing the probability
+of the birth of a Prince of Wales; and though it was impossible that any
+one should be able to speak with certainty, our positive tone upon the
+occasion serves to show the exclusive nature of all our intelligence. We
+are enabled now to state that the Prince will immediately take, indeed he
+has already taken, the title of _Prince of Wales_, which it is generally
+understood he will enjoy--at least if a child so young can be said to
+enjoy anything of the kind--until an event shall happen which we hope will
+be postponed for a very protracted period. The Prince of Wales, should he
+survive his mother, will ascend the throne; but whether he will be George
+the Fifth, Albert the First, Henry the Ninth, Charles the Third, or
+Anything the Nothingth, depends upon circumstances we are not at liberty
+to allude to--_at present_; nor do we think we shall be enabled to do so
+in a second edition.
+
+Our suggestion last week, that the royal birth should take place on Lord
+Mayor's Day, has, we are happy to see, been partially attended to; but we
+regret that the whole hog has not been gone, by twins having been
+presented to the anxious nation, so that there might have been a baronetcy
+each for the outgoing and incoming Lord Mayors of Dublin and London.
+Perhaps, however, it might have been attended with difficulty to follow
+our advice to the very letter; but we nevertheless think it might have
+been arranged; though if others think otherwise, we, of course, have
+nothing further to say upon the matter alluded to.
+
+We very much regret to make an announcement, and are glad at being the
+first to do so, though we are sorry to advert to the subject, touching an
+alarming symptom in the Princess Royal. Her Royal Highness, ever since the
+birth of the Prince, whom we think we may now venture to call her brother,
+has suffered from an affection of the nose, which is said to be quite out
+of joint since the royal stranger (for we hope we may take the liberty of
+alluding to the Prince of Wales as a stranger, for he is a stranger to us,
+at least we have never seen him) came into existence.
+
+We hear it on good authority that when the Princess was taken to see her
+brother, Her Royal Highness, who begins to articulate a few sounds,
+exclaimed, "_Tar_!" with unusual emphasis. It is supposed, from this
+simple but affecting circumstance, that the Prince of Wales will
+eventually become _a Tar_, and perhaps regain for his country the
+undisputed dominion of the seas, which, by-the-bye, has not been
+questioned, and probably will not be, in which case the naval attributes
+of His Royal Highness will not be brought into activity.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+FASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE.
+
+Master Smith took an airing on the 5th, accompanied by a Guy Fawkes and a
+very numerous _suite_.  In the evening there was a select circle, and a
+bonfire.
+
+Mr. Baron Nathan and family are still at Kennington. The Baron danced the
+college hornpipe, last Wednesday, on one leg, before a party of private
+friends; and the Honourable Miss Nathan went through the Cracovienne,
+amidst twenty-four coffee-cups and an inverted pitcher, surmounted by a
+very long champagne-glass. Upon inspecting the cups after the graceful
+performance was concluded, there was not a chip upon one of them. The
+champagne glass, though it frequently rattled in its perilous position,
+retained it through the whole of the dance, and was carefully picked up at
+its conclusion by the Baroness, who we were happy to find looking in more
+than her usual health, and enjoying her accustomed spirits.
+
+Bill Bunks has a new feline provisional equipage ready to launch. The body
+is a dark black, and the wheels are of the same rich colour, slightly
+picked out here and there with a chalk stripe. The effect altogether is
+very light and pretty, particularly as the skewers to be used are all new,
+and the board upon which the _ha'porths_ are cut has been recently planed
+with much nicety.
+
+The travelling menagerie at the foot of Waterloo-bridge was visited
+yesterday by several loungers. Amongst the noses poked through the wires
+of the cage, we remarked several belonging to children of the mobility.
+The spirited proprietor has added another mouse to his collection, which
+may now be pronounced the first--speaking, of course, Surreysideically--in
+(entering) London.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SONGS FOR CATARRHS.
+
+"The variable climate of our native land," as Rowland the Minstrel of
+Macassar has elegantly expressed it, like a Roman epicure, deprives our
+nightingales of their tongues, and the melodious denizens of our
+drawing-rooms of their "sweet voices."
+
+Vainly has Crevelli raised a bulwark of lozenges against the Demon of
+Catarrh! Soreness will invade the throat, and noses run in every family,
+seeming to be infected with a sentimental furor for blooming--we presume
+from being so newly blown. We have seen noses chiseled, as it were, from
+an alabaster block, grow in one short day scarlet as our own, as though
+they blushed for the continual trouble they were giving their proprietors;
+whilst the peculiar intonation produced by the conversion of the nasals
+into liquids, and then of the liquids ultimately into mutes, leads to the
+inference that there must be a stoppage about the bridge, and should be
+placarded, like that of Westminster, "No thoroughfare."
+
+It has been generally supposed that St. Cecilia with a cold in her head
+would be incompetent to "Nix my Dolly;" and this erroneous and popular
+prejudice is continually made the excuse for vocal inability during the
+winter months. Now the effect which we have before described upon the
+articulation of the catarrhed would be, in our opinion, so far from
+displeasing, that we feel it would amply compensate for any imperfections
+of tune. For instance, what can be finer than the alteration it would
+produce in the well-known ballad of "Oh no, we never mention her!"--a
+ballad which has almost become wearisome from its sweetness and
+repetition. With a catarrh the words would run thus:--
+
+  "O lo, we lever beltiol her,
+  Her labe is lever heard."
+
+Struck with this modification of sound, PUNCH, anxious to cater _even_ for
+the catarrhs of his subscribers, begs to furnish them with a "_calzolet_,"
+which he trusts will be of more service to harmonic meetings than pectoral
+lozenges and paregoric, as we have anticipated the cold by converting
+every _m_ into _b_, and every _n_ into _l_.
+
+
+A SONG FOR A CATARRH.
+
+  _B_y _B_ary A_ll_e is like the su_l_,
+    Whe_l_ at the daw_l_ it fli_l_gs
+  Its golde_l_ s_b_iles of light upo_l_
+    Earth's gree_l_ and lo_l_ely thi_l_gs.
+  I_l_ vai_l_ I sue, I o_l_ly wi_l_
+    Fro_b_ her a scor_l_ful frow_l_;
+  But soo_l_ as I _b_y prayers begi_l_,
+    She cries O _l_o! bego_l_e.
+  Yes! yes! the burthe_l_ of her so_l_g
+    Is _l_o! _l_o! _l_o! bego_l_e!
+
+  _B_y _B_ary A_ll_e is like the moo_l_,
+    Whe_l_ first her silver shee_l_,
+  Awakes the _l_ighti_l_gale's soft tu_l_e,
+    That else had sile_l_t bee_l_.
+  But _B_ary A_ll_e, like darkest _l_ight,
+    O_l_ be, alas! looks dow_l_;
+  Her s_b_iles o_l_ others bea_b_ their light,
+    Her frow_l_s are all _b_y ow_l_.
+  I've but o_l_e burthe_l_ to _b_y so_l_g--
+   Her frow_l_s are all _b_y ow_l_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"POSSUM UP A GUM TREE!"
+
+A grand gladiatorial tongue-threshing took place lately in a field near
+Paisley, between the two great Chartist champions--Feargus O'Connor and
+the Rev. Mr. Brewster. The subject debated was, Whether is moral or
+physical force the fitter instrument for obtaining the Charter? The Doctor
+espoused the moral hocussing system, and Feargus took up the bludgeon for
+physical force. After a pretty considerable deal of fireworks had been let
+off on both sides, it was agreed to divide the field, when Feargus, waving
+his hat, _ascended into a tree_, and called upon his friends to follow
+him. But, alas! few answered to the summons,--he was left in a miserable
+minority; and the Doctor, as the Yankees say, decidedly "put the critter
+up a tree." Feargus, being a _Radical_, should have kept to the _root_
+instead of venturing into the higher _branches_ of political economy. At
+all events the Doctor, as the Yankees say, "put the critter up a tree,"
+where we calculate he must have looked tarnation ugly. The position was
+peculiarly ill-chosen--for when a fire-and-faggot orator begins to speak
+_trees-on_, it is only natural that his hearers should all take their
+_leaves_!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+AN UNDIVIDED MOIETY.
+
+The _Herald_ gives an account of two persons who were carried off suddenly
+at Lancaster by a paralytic attack _each_. We should have been curious to
+know the result if, instead of an attack _each_, they had had _one between
+them_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE HEIR OF APPLEBITE.
+
+
+CHAPTER IX.
+
+SHOWS THAT DOCTORS DIFFER.
+
+
+[Illustration: H]Having christened his child, Agamemnon felt it to be his
+bounden duty to have him vaccinated; but his wife's mother, with a
+perversity strongly characteristic of the _genus_, strenuously opposed Dr.
+Jenner's plan of repealing the small pox[1], and insisted upon having him
+inoculated. Poor Mrs. Applebite was sorely perplexed between her habitual
+reverence for the opinions of her mama and the dread which she naturally
+felt of converting the face of the infant heir into a plum-pudding.
+Agamemnon had evidently determined to be positive upon this point, and all
+that could be extracted from him was the one word--vaccination!
+
+    [1] Baylis.
+
+To which Mrs. Waddledot replied,
+
+"Vaccination, indeed!--as though the child were a calf! I'm sure and
+certain that the extreme dulness of young people of the present day is
+entirely owing to vaccination--it imbues them with a very stupid portion
+of the animal economy."
+
+As Agamemnon could not understand her, he again ejaculated--"Vaccination!"
+
+"But, my dear," rejoined Mrs. Applebite, "Mama has had so much experience
+that her opinion is worth listening to; I know that you give the
+preference to--"
+
+"Vaccination!" interrupted Collumpsion.
+
+"And so do I; but we have heard of grown-up people--who had always
+considered themselves secure--taking the small pox, dear."
+
+"To be sure we have," chimed in Mrs. Waddledot; "and it's a very dreadful
+thing, after indulgent and tender parents have been at the expense of
+nursing, clothing, physicking, teaching music, dancing, Italian, French,
+geography, drawing, and the use of the globes, to a child, to have it
+carried off because a misguided fondness has insisted upon--"
+
+"Vaccination!" shouted _pater_ Collumpsion.
+
+"Exactly!" continued the "wife's mother." "Now inoculate at once, say I,
+before the child's short-coated."
+
+Agamemnon rose from his seat, and advancing deliberately and solemnly to
+the table at which his wife and his wife's mother were seated, he slowly
+raised his dexter arm above his head, and then, having converted his hand
+into a fist, he dashed his contracted digitals upon the rosewood as though
+he dared not trust himself with more than one word, and that one
+was--"Vaccination!"
+
+Mrs. Waddledot's first impulse was to jump out of her turban, in which she
+would have succeeded had not the mystic rolls of gauze which constituted
+that elaborate head-dress been securely attached to the chestnut "front"
+with which she had sought for some years to cheat the world into a
+forgetfulness of her nativity.
+
+"I was warned of this! I was warned of this!" exclaimed the disarranged
+woman, as soon as she obtained breath enough for utterance. "But I
+wouldn't believe it. I was told that the member for Puddingbury had driven
+one wife to her grave and the other to drinking.--I was told that it would
+run in the family, and that Mr. _A.C._ Applebite would be no better than
+Mr. I. Applebite!"
+
+"Oh! Mama--you really wrong Aggy," exclaimed Theresa.
+
+"It's lucky for you that you think so, my dear. If ever there was an
+ill-used woman, you are that unhappy individual. Oh, that ever--I--should
+live--to see a child of mine--have a child of hers vaccinated against her
+wish!" and here Mrs. Waddledot (as it is emphatically styled) burst into
+tears; not that we mean to imply that she was converted into an explosive
+_jet d'eau_, but we mean that she--she--what shall we say?--she blubbered.
+
+It is really surprising how very sympathetic women are on all occasions of
+weeping, scolding, and scandalising; and accordingly Mrs. Applebite
+"opened the fountains of her eyes," and roared in concert with her mama.
+
+Agamemnon felt that he was an injured man--injured in the tenderest
+point--his character for connubial kindness; and he secretly did what many
+husbands have done openly--he consigned Mrs. Waddledot to the gentleman
+who is always represented as very black, because where he resides there is
+no water to wash with.
+
+At this agonising moment Uncle Peter made his appearance; and as actors
+always play best to a good audience, the weeping ladies continued their
+lachrymose performance with renewed vigour. Uncle Peter was a plain
+man--plain in every meaning of the word; that is to say, he was very ugly
+and very simple; and when we tell you that his face resembled nothing but
+a half-toasted muffin, you can picture to yourself what it must have
+looked like under the influence of surprise; but nevertheless, both
+Agamemnon and the ladies simultaneously determined to make him the
+arbitrator in this very important matter.
+
+"Uncle Peter," said Agamemnon.
+
+"Brother Peter," sobbed Mrs. Waddledot.
+
+"Which are you an advocate for?" hystericised Mrs. Applebite.
+
+"Vaccination or inoculation?" exclaimed everybody _ensemble_.
+
+Now whether Uncle John did clearly understand the drift of the question
+put to him, or whether he conceived that he was solicited to be the
+subject of some benevolent experiments for the advantage of future
+generations, it is certain that no man ever looked more positively
+
+[Illustration: ON THE HORN OF A DILEMMA]
+
+than Uncle Peter. At length the true state of the case was made apparent
+to him; and the conclusion that he arrived at reflects the greatest
+possible credit upon his judgment. He decided, that as the child was a
+divided property, for the sake of peace and quietness, the heir of
+Applebite should be vaccinated in one arm and inoculated in the other.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+FALSE ALARM.
+
+We were paralysed the other day at seeing a paragraph headed "Sibthorpe's
+conversion." Our nose grew pale with terror; our hump heaved with
+agitation. We thought there existed a greater genius than ourselves and
+that some one had discovered that Sibthorp could be converted into
+anything but a Member for Lincoln, and buffoon-in-waiting to the House of
+Commons. We found, however, that it alluded to a Reverend, and not to OUR
+Colonel. Really the newspaper people should be more careful. Such
+startling announcements are little better than
+
+[Illustration: SHEE(A)R CRUELTY.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+DOING THE STATE SOME SERVICE.
+
+During the conflagration of the Tower, it was apprehended at one time that
+the portion of it called the White Tower would have shared the fate of the
+grand store-house,--this was however prevented by hanging _wet blankets_
+around it, in which capacity Peter Borthwick, Mr. Plumtre, Col. Percival,
+and Lord Castlereagh, kindly offered their personal services and were
+found admirably adapted for the purpose.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE GENTLEMAN'S OWN BOOK.
+
+We will now proceed to the consideration of that indispensable adjunct to
+a real gentleman--his purse. This little talisman, though of so much real
+importance, is very limited in the materials of its formation, being
+confined exclusively to silk. It should generally be of net work, very
+sparingly powdered with small beads, and of the most delicate colours,
+such conveying the idea that the fairy fingers of some beauteous friend
+had wove the tiny treasury. We have seen some of party colours, intended
+thereby to distinguish the separate depository of the gold and silver coin
+with which it is (presumed) to be stored. This arrangement we repudiate;
+for a true gentleman should always appear indifferent to the value of
+money, and affect at least an equal contempt for a sovereign as a
+shilling. We prefer having the meshes of the purse rather large than
+otherwise, as whenever it is necessary--mind, we say necessary--to exhibit
+it, the glittering contents shining through the interstices are never an
+unpleasing object of contemplation.
+
+The purse should be used at the card-table; but never produced unless you
+are called upon as a loser to _pay_. It may then be resorted to with an
+air of _nonchalance;_ and when the demand upon it has been honoured, it
+should be thrown carelessly upon the table, as though to indicate your
+_almost_ anxiety to make a further sacrifice of its contents. Should you,
+however, be a winner, any exhibition of the purse might be construed into
+an unseemly desire of "welling," or securing your gains, which of course
+must always be a matter of perfect indifference to you; and whatever
+advantages you obtain from chance or skill should be made obvious to every
+one are only destined to enrich your valet, or be beneficially expended in
+the refreshment of cabmen and ladies of faded virtue. In order to convey
+these intentions more conspicuously, should the result of an evening be in
+your favour, your winnings should be consigned to your waistcoat pocket;
+and if you have any particular desire to heighten the effect, a piece of
+moderate value may be left on the table.
+
+[Illustration: A GENTLEMAN TAKING A FIRST FLOOR]
+
+cannot do better than find an excuse for a recurrence to his purse; and
+then the partial exhibition of the coin alluded to above will be found to
+be productive of a feeling most decidedly confirmatory in the mind of the
+landlady that you are a true gentleman.
+
+The same cause will produce the same effect with a tradesman whose
+album--we beg pardon, whose ledger--you intend honouring with your name.
+
+You should never display your purse to a poor friend or dependant, or the
+sight of it might not only stimulate their cupidity, or raise their
+expectations to an inordinate height, but prevent you from escaping with a
+moderate _douceur_ by "the kind manner in which you slipped a sovereign
+into their hand at parting."
+
+A servant should never be rewarded from a purse; it makes the fellows
+discontented; for if they see gold, they are never satisfied with a
+shilling and "I must see what can be done for you, James."
+
+Should you be fortunate enough to break a policeman's head, or drive over
+an old woman, you will find that your purse will not only add to the
+_éclat_ of the transaction, but most materially assist the magistrate
+before whom you may be taken in determining that the case is very
+trifling, and that a fine of 5s. will amply excuse you from the effects of
+that polite epidemic known _vulgo_ as drunkenness. There cannot be a
+greater proof of the advantages of a purse than the preceding instance,
+for we have known numerous cases in which the symptoms have been precisely
+the same, but the treatment diametrically opposite, owing to the absence
+of that incontrovertible evidence to character--the purse.
+
+None but a _parvenu_ would carry his money loose; and we know of nothing
+more certain to ensure an early delivery of your small account than being
+detected by a creditor in the act of hunting a sovereign into the corner
+of your pocket.
+
+We have known tailors, bootmakers, hatters, hosiers,
+livery-stable-keepers, &c., grow remarkably noisy when refused assistance
+to meet heavy payments, which are continually coming due at most
+inconvenient seasons; and when repeated denials have failed to silence
+them, the _exhibition only_ of the purse has procured the desired
+effect,--we presume, by inspiring the idea that you have the means to pay,
+but are eccentric in your views of credit--thus producing with the most
+importunate dun
+
+[Illustration: A BRILLIANT TERMINATION.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+TREMENDOUS FAILURE.
+
+The Editors present their compliments to their innumerable subscribers,
+and beg to say that, being particularly hard up for a joke, they trust
+that they will accept of the following as an evidence of
+
+[Illustration: GETTING UNDER WHEY.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A THOROUGH DRAUGHT.
+
+The extreme proficiency displayed by certain parties in drawing spurious
+exchequer-bills has induced them to issue proposals for setting up an
+opposition exchequer office, where bills may be drawn on the shortest
+notice. As this establishment is to be cunningly united to the Art-Union
+in Somerset-House, the whole art of forgery may be there learned in six
+lessons. The manufacture of exchequer-bills will be carried on in every
+department, from printing the forms to imitating the signatures; in short,
+the whole art of
+
+[Illustration: DRAWING TAUGHT.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE O'CONNELL PAPERS.
+
+OUR EXTRAORDINARY AND EXCLUSIVE CORRESPONDENCE.
+
+We have been favoured by the transmission of the following singular
+correspondence by the new Mayor of Dublin's private secretary. We hasten
+to lay the interesting documents before our readers, though we must
+decline incurring the extreme responsibility of advising which offer it
+would be most advantageous for Mr. O'Connell to accept.
+
+
+LETTER I.
+
+SIR,--I am requested by the management of the Royal Surrey Theatre to
+negotiate with you for a few nights' performance in a local drama, which
+shall be written for the occasion, and in which you are requested to
+represent the Civic dignitary in the identical robes which have become
+immortalised by your wearing. Mr. Dibdin Pitt is of opinion that something
+might be done with "Whittington and his Cat," merely transferring the
+scene from London to Dublin; and, as he hears your county is highly
+celebrated for the peculiar breed, sending to Ireland for one of the
+esteemed "Kilkenny species," which would give a greater reality to the
+_dramatis personć_ and feline adjunct. This is a mere suggestion, as any
+other subject you may prefer--such as the Rebellion of '98, Donnybrook
+Fair, the Interior of the Irish Mansion House, or the House of Commons,
+can be rendered equally effective. I beg to call your attention to the
+fact that you shall have a clear stage and every advantage, as Mr. N.T.
+Hicks will be left out of the cast altogether, or else play a very small
+dumb villain; so that you need not fear losing your oratorical reputation
+by being out-shouted. Should you feel disposed to accept the terms, one
+clear half the nightly receipt, pray forward an answer by return, that we
+may get out a woodcut of the small-clothes, and underline the identical
+stockings.
+
+I have the honour to be,
+
+Your obedient servant,
+
+BEN. FAIRBROTHER.
+
+_D. O'Connell, Esq._
+
+
+_T.R.D.L._
+
+SIR,--The intense interest created in the bosoms of mankind in general by
+the graphic account of your splendid appearance and astounding performance
+of the arduous character of the Lord Mayor of Dublin, induces Mr. W.C.
+Macready to make you an offer of engagement for the performance of
+Shakspere's heroic functionary in the forthcoming revival of Richard the
+Third, which is about to be produced under his classic management at the
+Theatre Royal Drury-lane, Mr. W.C. Macready offers to replace the breeches
+if cracked in stooping; also, to guarantee a liberal allowance of
+hair-powder to fall from the wig, and make the usual effective and
+dignified huge point while the Mayor is bowing to the king. An early
+answer will oblige your obedient servant,
+
+T.J. SERLE.
+
+P.S. Can you bring your own Aldermen, as we are anxious to do it with the
+
+[Illustration: MAYOR (MARE) AND CORPORATION.]
+
+P.P.S.--Think of the fame and the twelve-sheet posters, and be moderate.
+
+
+_Theatre Royal, Adelphi._
+
+DEAR DAN,--The Adelphi is open to you and your robes. Couldn't we do
+something with a hero from Blarney, and let you be discovered licking the
+stone, amid tableaux, blue fire, and myriads of nymph-like Kate Kearneys?
+Or would you prefer an allegory, yourself a Merman, or the Genius of
+Ireland, distributing real whiskey-and-water from the tank, which shall be
+filled with grog for that purpose. Think it over.
+
+Truly yours,
+
+F. YATES.
+
+_D. O'Connell, Esq. &c. &c. &c._
+
+
+_Theatre Royal, Haymarket._
+
+Mr. Webster presents his compliments to Daniel O'Connell, Esq., Mayor and
+M.P., and begs to suggest, as the "Rent Day" was originally produced at
+his theatre, it will be an excellent field for any further dramatic
+attempt of Mr. D. O'C. A line from Mr. D. O'C. will induce Mr. B.W. to put
+the drama in rehearsal.
+
+"_D. O'Connell, Esq. &c. &c._"
+
+
+_Royal Victoria._
+
+Sir,--As sole lessee of the Royal Victoria I shall be happy to engage you
+to appear in costume, in the Mayor of Garratt, or, for the sake of the
+name Mayor, any other Mayor you like. If you think all the old ones too
+stupid, we can look upon something new, and preserve the title. You shall
+be supported by Miss Vincent and Susan Hopley, with two murders by Messrs.
+Dale and Saville in the after-piece. Awaiting your reply, I remain
+
+Your obedient servant,
+
+D.W. OSBALDISTON.
+
+_D. O'Connell, Esq._
+
+
+_Royal Pavilion Theatre._
+
+SIR,--If you mean to come on the stage, come to me. I know what suits the
+public. If you can't come yourself, send your cocked hat, and Mrs. Denvil
+shall dramatise it. We have a carpenter of your name; we can gag him and
+gammon the public, as follows:--
+
+IMMENSE ATTRACTION!
+
+SCENERY MOVED BY
+
+O'CONNELL;
+
+FIRST APPEARANCE OF THE
+
+GREAT  AGITATOR!!!
+
+"REAL COCKED HAT."
+
+Yours, &c.
+
+HY. DENVIL.
+
+
+_Garrick Theatre._
+
+SIR,--We should be proud to avail ourselves of your professional services
+to do a little in the domestic and appalling murder line; but our forte is
+ballet or pantomime; perhaps, as you have your own silk tights, the latter
+department might suit you best. Our artist is considered very great, and
+shall convert our "Jim Along Josey" wood-cuts into your portrait. We will
+also pledge ourselves to procure an illuminated cocked hat. An early
+answer, stating terms, will oblige
+
+Your obedient Servants,
+
+GOMERSAL AND CONQUEST.
+
+_D. O'Connell, Esq._
+
+
+_T.R. Sadler's Wells._
+
+SIR,--Understanding you are about to figure publicly and professionally in
+London, may I draw your attention to my unique establishment. I can offer
+you an excellent engagement as the figure-head of a vessel about to be
+produced in a new nautical drama. It is at present called "The Shark and
+the Alligator," but may be altered with equal effect to "The Mayor and the
+Agitator." Begging a reply,
+
+I remain, Sir,
+
+Your's obediently,
+
+ROBERT HONNER.
+
+_D. O'Connell, Esq._
+
+P.S. Do you do anything in the hornpipe line?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A PĆAN FOR DAN.
+
+BY ONE OF THE "FINEST PISANTRY IN THE WORLD."
+
+We have received the following genuine "Irish version" of a scene from and
+for the times, from our own peculiar and poetic correspondent:--
+
+      "DEAR PUNCH,--
+          I beg pardon that yoursilf I'm now troublin,
+  But I must let you know what I just seen in Dublin;
+  There Daniel O'Connell,--Mayor and great agitator,--
+  Has been making a Judy of himself, the poor unhappy cratur.
+  At his time of life, too! tare and ounds its mighty shocking!
+  He shoved ach of his big legs into a span bran new silk stocking:
+  How the divil them calves by any manes was thrust in,
+  Is a mistery to ev'ry one, without them black silks busting.
+  And instead of a dacent trousers hanging to his suspenders,
+  He has button'd-up one-half of him in a pair of short knee-enders.
+  Now, Punch, on your oath, did you ever hear the likes o' that?
+  But oh, houly Paul, if you only seen his big cock'd hat,
+  Stuck up on the top of his jazy;--a mighty illegant thatch,
+  With hair like young Deaf Burke's, all rushing up to the scratch,
+  You must have been divarted; and, Jewil, then he wore
+  A thund'ring big Taglioni-cut purple velvet _roquelore_.
+  And who but Misther Dan cut it fat in all his pride,
+  Cover'd over with white favors, like a gentle blushing bride;
+  And wasn't he follow'd by all the blackguards for his tail,
+  Shouting out for their lives, 'Success to Dan O'Connell and Rapale.'
+  But the Old Corporation has behaved mighty low and mane,
+  As they wouldn't lend him the loan of the ancient raal goold chain,
+  Nor the collar; as they said they thought (divil burn 'em),
+  If they'd done so, it was probable Dan never would return 'em.
+  But, good-bye, I must be off,--he's gone to take the chair!
+  So my love to Mrs. Punch, and no more about the Mayor."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH'S PĆAN TO THE PRINCELET.
+
+  Huzza! we've a little prince at last,
+    A roaring Royal boy;
+  And all day long the booming bells
+    Have rung their peals of joy.
+  And the little park-guns have blazed away,
+    And made a tremendous noise,
+  Whilst the air hath been fill'd since eleven o'clock
+    With the shouts of little boys;
+  And we have taken our little bell,
+  And rattled and laugh'd, and sang as well,
+       Roo-too-tooit! Shallabella!
+       Life to the Prince! Fallalderalla!
+
+  Our little Prince will be daintily swathed,
+    And laid on a bed of down,
+  Whilst his cradle will stand 'neath a canopy
+    That is deck'd with a golden crown.
+  O, we trust when his Queenly Mother sees
+    Her Princely boy at rest,
+  She will think of the helpless pauper babe
+    That lies at a milkless breast!
+  And then we will rattle our little bell.
+  And shout and laugh, and sing as well--
+       Roo-too-tooit! Shallabella!
+       Life to the Prince! Fallalderalla!
+
+  Our little Prince, we have not a doubt,
+    Has set up a little cry;
+  But a dozen sweet voices were there to soothe,
+    And sing him a lullaby.
+  We wonder much if a voice so small
+    Could reach our loved Monarch's ear;
+  If so, she said "God bless the poor!
+    Who cry and have no one near."
+  So then we will rattle our little bell,
+  And shout and laugh, and sing as well--
+       Roo-too-tooit! Shallabella!
+       Life to the Prince! Fallalderalla!
+
+  Our little Prince (though he heard them not)
+    Hath been greeted with honied words,
+  And his cheeks have been fondled to win a smile
+    By the Privy Council Lords.
+  Will he trust the "charmer" in after years,
+    And deem he is more than man?
+  Or will he feel that he's but a speck
+    In creation's mighty plan?
+  Let us hope the best, and rattle our bell,
+  And shout and laugh, and sing as well--
+       Roo-too-tooit! Shallabella!
+       Life to the Prince! Fallalderalla!
+
+  Our little Prince, when be grows a boy,
+    Will be taught by men of lore,
+  From the "dusty tome" of the ancient sage,
+    As Kings have been taught before.
+  But will there be _one_ good, true man near,
+    To tutor the infant heart?
+  To tell him the world was made for all,
+    And the poor man claims his part?
+  We trust there will; so we'll rattle our bell,
+  And shout and laugh, and sing as well--
+       Roo-too-tooit! Shallabella!
+       Life to the Prince! Fallalderalla!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A CON-CONSTITUTIONAL.
+
+Why is the little Prince of Wales like the 11th Hussars?--Because it is
+Prince Albert's own.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+HARD TO REMEMBER.
+
+Lord Monteagle, on being shown one of the Exchequer Bills, supposed to
+have been forged, declared that he did not know if the signature attached
+to it was his handwriting or not. We do not feel surprised at this--his
+Lordship has put his hand to so many jobs that it would be impossible he
+could remember every one of them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE CROPS.
+
+A most unfounded report of the approaching demise of Colonel Sibthorp
+reached town early last week. Our Leicester correspondent has, however,
+furnished us with the following correct particulars, which will be read
+with pleasure by those interested in the luxuriant state of the gallant
+orator's crops. The truth is, he was seen to enter a hair-dresser's shop,
+and it got about amongst the breathless crowd which soon collected, that
+the imposing _toupée_, the enchanting whiskers that are the pride of the
+county, were to be cropped! This mistake was unhappily removed to give
+place to a more fatal one; for instead of submitting to the shears, the
+venerable joker bought a paper of _poudre unique_, from which arose the
+appalling report that he was about to _dye_!
+
+Our kind friend the indefatigable "correspondent" of the _Observer_,
+informs us from authority upon which every reliance may be placed, that
+Mr. Grant, the indefatigable statist and author of "Lights and Shadows of
+London Life," is now patiently engaged in researches of overwhelming
+importance to the public. He will, in his next edition of the above-named
+work, be enabled to state from personal inquiry, how many ladies residing
+within a circuit of ten miles round London wear false fronts, with the
+colours respectively of their real and their artificial hair, together
+with the number of times per year the latter are dressed. Besides this,
+this untiring author has called at every hairdresser's in the London
+Directory, to ascertain the number of times per quarter each customer has
+his hair cut, with the quantity and length denuded. From these materials a
+result will be drawn up, showing the average duration of crops; and also
+how far the hair-cuttings of every day in London would reach, if each hair
+were joined together and placed somewhere, so as to go--when enough is
+collected--round the world.
+
+The _Morning Herald_ of Monday informs us, that the King of Hanover has
+passed a law to regulate the crops not only of the army, but of those in
+the civil employ of government. The moustaches of the former are to be, we
+hear, exact copies of those sported by Muntz. The hair is to be cut close,
+so as to be woven into regulation whiskers for those to whom nature has
+denied them. The pattern whisker was lately submitted by Mr. Truefit, who
+is to be the army contractor for the same. It curls over the cheek, and
+meets the moustaches at the corners of the mouth.
+
+In consequence of this measure, large sales in bear's grease were made by
+the Russian merchants on 'Change yesterday for the German markets. A
+consequent rise in this species of manure took place; this will, it is
+feared, have a bad effect upon the British crops, which have already
+assumed a dry and languid appearance.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+ELIGIBLE INVESTMENTS!--SPLENDID OPPORTUNITY!--UNRIVALLED BARGAINS!
+
+EXTRAORDINARY SALE OF UNREDEEMED PLEDGES.
+
+MESSRS. MACHIN and DEBENHAM respectfully inform the particularly curious,
+and the public in general, they have the honor to announce the unreserved
+sale of the following particularly and unprecedentedly attractive
+Unredeemed Pledges.
+
+N.B.--The auction duty to be paid by the purchasers,--if not, the inmates
+of St. Luke's have offered to subscribe for their liquidation.
+
+
+LOT I.
+
+A perfect collection of the original speeches of Sir Francis
+Burdett--previous to his visit to the Tower; his fulminations issued from
+the same; and a catalogue of the _unredeemed_ pledges made to the electors
+of Westminster, and originally taken in by them--a compliment very
+handsomely returned by the honourable Baronet, who kindly took his
+constituents in in return. Very curious, though much dogs-eared, thumbed,
+and as far as the author's name goes, totally erased.
+
+
+LOT II.
+
+A visionary pedigree and imaginative genealogical account of Roebuck's
+ancestors--commencing in the year 1801, and carefully brought down to the
+present time. Very elaborate, but rather doubtful.
+
+
+LOT III.
+
+A full account of Wakley's parliamentary ratting, or political felo-de-se;
+beautifully authenticated by his late Finsbury electors--with sundry cuts
+by his former friends.
+
+
+LOT IV.
+
+An extraordinary large batch of uncommonly cheap bread, manufactured by
+one John Russell. A beautiful electioneering and imaginative production,
+though now rather stale.
+
+
+LOT V.
+
+A future contract for the continuance of the poor-laws, and the right of
+pumps for the guardians to concoct the soup.
+
+N.B. Filters used if too strong.
+
+
+LOT VI.
+
+Daniel O'Connell's opinions upon the repeal of the union, now that he is
+Lord Mayor of Dublin: to be sold without reserve to the highest bidder.
+
+The whole of the above are submitted to the public, in the sincere hope of
+their meeting purchasers--as the price is all that is wanting to ensure a
+_bonâ  fide_ sale. No catalogues--no particulars--no guarantees--no
+deductions--and no money returned.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SIR PETER LAURIE ON HUMAN LIFE.
+
+Sir PETER LAURIE has set his awful face against suicide! He will in no way
+"encourage" _felo-de-se_. Fatal as this aldermanic determination may be to
+the interests of the shareholders of Waterloo, Vauxhall, and Southwark
+Bridges, Sir PETER has resolved that no man--not even in the suicidal
+season of November--shall drown, hang, or otherwise destroy himself, under
+any pretence soever! Sir PETER, with a very proper admiration of the
+pleasures of life, philosophises with a full stomach on the ignorance and
+wickedness of empty-bellied humanity; and Mr. HOBLER--albeit in the
+present case the word is not reported--doubtless cried "Amen!" to the
+wisdom of the alderman. Sir PETER henceforth stands sentinel at the gate
+of death, and any hungry pauper who shall recklessly attempt to touch the
+knocker, will be sentenced to "the treadmill for a month as a rogue and
+vagabond!"
+
+One _William Simmons_, a starving tailor, in a perishing condition,
+attempts to cut his throat. He inflicts upon himself a wound which, "under
+the immediate assistance of the surgeon of the Compter," is soon healed;
+and the offender being convalescent, is doomed to undergo the cutting
+wisdom of Sir PETER LAURIE. Hear the alderman "Don't you know _that that
+sort_ of murder (suicide) _is as bad as any other?_" If such be the
+case--and we would as soon doubt the testimony of Balaam's quadruped as
+Sir PETER--we can only say, that the law has most shamefully neglected to
+provide a sufficing punishment for the enormity. Sir PETER speaks with the
+humility of true wisdom, or he would never have valued his own throat for
+instance--that throat enriched by rivulets of turtle soup, by streams of
+city wine and city gravies--at no more than the throat of a hungry tailor.
+There never in our opinion was a greater discrepancy of windpipe. Sir
+PETER'S throat is the organ of wisdom--whilst the tailor's throat, by the
+very fact of his utter want of food, is to him an annoying superfluity.
+And yet, says Sir PETER by inference, "It is _as bad_, William Simmons, to
+cut your own throat, as to cut mine!" If true Modesty have left other
+public bodies, certainly she is to be found in the court of aldermen.
+
+Sir PETER proceeds to discourse of the mysteries of life and death in a
+manner that shows that the executions of his shrievalty were not lost upon
+his comprehensive spirit. Suicides, however, have engaged his special
+consideration; for he says--
+
+    "Suicides and attempts, or apparent attempts, to commit suicide,
+    very much increase, I regret to say. _I know that a morbid
+    humanity exists_, and does much mischief as regards the
+    practice. _I shall not encourage attempts of the kind_, but
+    shall punish them; and I sentence you to the treadmill for a
+    month, as a rogue and vagabond. I shall look _very narrowly at
+    the cases_ of persons brought before me on such charges."
+
+Sir PETER has, very justly, no compassion for the famishing wretch stung
+and goaded "to jump the life to come." Why should he? Sir PETER is of that
+happy class of men who have found this life too good a thing to leave.
+"They call this world a bad world," says ROTHSCHILD on a certain occasion;
+"for my part, I do not know of a better." And ROTHSCHILD was even a
+greater authority than Sir PETER LAURIE on the paradise of Ł s. d.
+
+The vice of the day--"a morbid humanity" towards the would-be suicide--is,
+happily, doomed. Sir PETER LAURIE refuses to patronise any effort at
+self-slaughter; and, moreover, threatens to "look very narrowly at the
+cases" of those despairing fools who may be caught in the attempt. It
+would here be well for Sir PETER to inform the suicidal part of the public
+what amount of desperation is likely to satisfy him as to the genuineness
+of the misery suffered. _William Simmons_ cuts a gash in his throat; the
+Alderman is not satisfied with this, but having looked very narrowly into
+the wound, declares it to be a proper case for the treadmill. We can well
+believe that an impostor trading on the morbid humanity of the times--and
+there is a greater stroke of business done in the article than even the
+sagacity of a LAURIE can imagine--may, in this cold weather, venture an
+immersion in the Thames or Serpentine, making the plunge with a
+declaratory scream, the better to extract practical compassion from the
+pockets of a morbidly humane society; we can believe this, Sir PETER, and
+feel no more for the trickster than if our heart were made of the best
+contract saddle-leather; but we confess a cut-throat staggers us; we fear,
+with all our caution, we should be converted to a belief in misery by a
+gash near the windpipe. Sir PETER, however, with his enlarged mind,
+professes himself determined to probe the wound--to look narrowly into its
+depth, breadth, and length, and to prescribe the treadmill, according to
+the condition of the patient! Had the cautious Sir PETER been in the kilt
+of his countryman _Macbeth_, he would never have exhibited an "admired
+disorder" on the appearance of _Banquo_ with his larynx severed in two;
+not he--he would have called the wound a slight scratch, having narrowly
+looked into it, and immediately ordered the ghost to the guard-house.
+
+The Duke of WELLINGTON, who has probably seen as many wounds as Sir PETER
+LAURIE, judging the case, would, by his own admission, have inflicted the
+same sentence upon the tailor _Simmons_ as that fulminated by the
+Alderman. ARTHUR and PETER would, doubtless, have been of one accord,
+_Simmons_ avowed himself to be starving. Now, in this happy land--in this
+better Arcadia--every man who wants food is proved by such want an idler
+or a drunkard. The victor of Waterloo--the tutelary wisdom of England's
+counsels--has, in the solemnity of his Parliamentary authority, declared
+as much. Therefore it is most right that the lazy, profligate tailor, with
+a scar in his throat, should mount the revolving wheel for one month, to
+meditate upon the wisdom of Dukes and the judgments of Aldermen!
+
+We no more thought of dedicating a whole page to one Sir PETER LAURIE,
+than the zoological Mr. CROSS would think of devoting an acre of his
+gardens to one ass, simply because it happened to be the largest known
+specimen of the species. But, without knowing it, Sir PETER has given a
+fine illustration of the besetting selfishness of the times. Had LAURIE
+been born to hide his ears in a coronet, he could not have more strongly
+displayed the social insensibility of the day. The prosperous saddler, and
+the wretched, woe-begone tailor, are admirable types of the giant
+arrogance that dominates--of the misery that suffers.
+
+There is nothing more talked of with less consideration of its meaning and
+relative value than--Life. Has it not a thousand different definitions? Is
+it the same thing to two different men?
+
+Ask the man of independent wealth and sound body to paint Life, and what a
+very pretty picture he will lay before you. He lives in another
+world--has, as _Sir Anthony Absolute_ says, a sun and moon of his own--a
+realm of fairies, with attending sprites to perform his every compassable
+wish. To him life is a most musical monosyllable; making his heart dance,
+and thrilling every nerve with its so-potent harmony. Life--but especially
+his life--is, indeed, a sacred thing to him; and loud and deep are his
+praises of its miracles. Like the departed ROTHSCHILD, "he does not know a
+better;" certain we are, he is in no indecent haste to seek it.
+
+Demand of the prosperous man of trade--of the man of funds, and houses,
+and land, acquired by successful projects--what is Life? He will try to
+call up a philosophic look, and passing his chin through his hand--(there
+is a brilliant on his little finger worth at least fifty guineas)--he will
+answer, "Life, sir--Life has its ups and downs; but taken altogether, for
+my part, I think a man a great sinner, a very great sinner, who doesn't
+look upon life as a very pretty thing. But don't let's talk of such dry
+stuff--take off your glass--hang it!--no heel-taps."
+
+Ask another, whose whole soul, like a Ready Reckoner, is composed of
+figures,--what is Life? He, perhaps, will answer, "Why, sir, Life--if you
+insure at our office--is worth more than at any other establishment. We
+divide profits, and the rate of insurance decreases in proportion," &c.
+&c.; and thus you will have Life valued, by the man who sees nothing in it
+but a privilege to get money, as the merest article of commercial stock.
+
+Inquire of many an Alderman what is Life? He will tell you that it is a
+fine, dignified, full-bellied, purple-faced creature, in a furred and
+violet-coloured gown. "Life," he will say, "always has its pleasures; but
+its day of great delight is the Ninth of November. Life, however, is
+especially agreeable in swan-hopping season, when white-bait abounds at
+Blackwall and Greenwich, and when the Lord Mayor gives his Easter-ball;
+and 'keeps up the hospitalities of his high office.'" Not, however, that
+life is without its graver duties--its religious observations. Oh, no! it
+is the duty of well-to-do Life to punish starving men for forgetting its
+surpassing loveliness--it is a high obligation of Life to go to church in
+a carriage, and confess itself a miserable sinner--it is the duty of Life
+to read its bible; and then the Alderman, to show that he is well versed
+in the volume, quotes a passage--"when the voice of the turtle is heard in
+the land."
+
+Now ask the Paisley weaver what is Life? Bid the famine-stricken
+multitudes of Bolton to describe with their white lips the surpassing
+beauty of human existence. Can it be possible that the glorious
+presence--the beneficent genius that casts its blessings in the paths of
+other men--is such an ogre, a fiend, to the poor? Alas! is he not a daily
+tyrant, scourging with meanest wants--a creature that, with all its bounty
+to others, is to the poor and destitute more terrible than Death? Let
+Comfort paint a portrait of Life, and now Penury take the pencil. "Pooh!
+pooh!" cry the sage LAURIES of the world, looking at the two
+pictures--"that scoundrel Penury has drawn an infamous libel. _That_ Life!
+with that withered face, sunken eye, and shrivelled lip; and what is
+worse, with a suicidal scar in its throat! _That_ Life! The painter Penury
+is committed for a month as a rogue and vagabond. We shall look very
+narrowly into these cases."
+
+We agree with the profound Sir PETER LAURIE that it is a most wicked, a
+most foolish act of the poor man to end his misery by suicide. But we
+think there is a better remedy for such desperation than the tread-mill.
+The surest way for the rich and powerful of the world to make the poor man
+more careful of his life is to render it of greater value to him.
+
+Q.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH'S PENCILLINGS.--No. XVIII.
+
+[Illustrations: POLITICAL THEATRICALS EXTRAORDINARY.
+
+    NORMA.
+
+    NORMA  (the Deserted)       LORD MELBOURNE.
+    ADALGISA (the Seductive)    SIR R. PEEL.
+    POLLIO (the Faithless)      MR. WAKLEY.
+    CHILDREN                    MASTERS RUSSELL & MORPETH.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE PHYSIOLOGY OF THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT.
+
+7.--OF VARIOUS OTHER DIVERTING MATTERS CONNECTED WITH GRINDING.
+
+
+[Illustration: F]From experience we are aware that the invention of the
+useful species of phrenotypics, alluded to in our last chapter, does not
+rest with the grinder alone. We once knew a medical student (and many even
+now at the London hospitals will recollect his name without mentioning
+it), who, when he was grinding for the Hall, being naturally of a
+melodious and harmonic disposition, conceived the idea of learning the
+whole of his practice of physic by setting a description of the diseases
+to music. He had a song of some hundred and twenty verses, which he called
+"The Poetry of Steggall's Manual;" and this he put to the tune of the
+"Good Old Days of Adam and Eve." We deeply lament that we cannot produce
+the whole of this lyrical pathological curiosity. Two verses, however,
+linger on our memory, and these we have written down, requesting that they
+may be said or sung to the air above-mentioned, and dedicating them to the
+gentlemen who are going up next Thursday evening. They relate to the
+symptoms, treatment, and causes of Hćmoptysis and Hćmatemesis; which
+terms respectively imply, for the benefit of the million unprofessional
+readers who weekly gasp for our fresh number, a spitting of blood from the
+lungs and a vomiting of ditto from the stomach. The song was composed of
+stanzas similar to those which follow, except the portion relating to
+_Diseases of the Brain_, which was more appropriately separated into the
+old English division of _Fyttes_.
+
+HĆMOPTYSIS.
+
+  A sensation of weight and oppression at the chest, sirs;
+  With tickling at the larynx, which scarcely gives you rest, sirs;
+  Full hard pulse, salt taste, and tongue very white, sirs;
+  And blood brought up in coughing, of colour very bright, sirs.
+  It depends on causes three--the first's exhalation;
+  The next a ruptured artery--the third, ulceration.
+  In treatment we may bleed, keep the patient cool and quiet,
+  Acid drinks, digitalis, and attend to a mild diet.
+        Sing hey, sing ho, we do not grieve
+        When this formidable illness takes its leave.
+
+
+HĆMATEMESIS.
+
+  Clotted blood is thrown up, in colour very black, sirs,
+  And generally sudden, as it comes up in a crack, sirs.
+  It's preceded at the stomach by a weighty sensation;
+  But nothing appears ruptured upon examination.
+  It differs from the last, by the particles thrown off, sirs,
+  Being denser, deeper-coloured, and without a bit of cough, sirs.
+  In plethoric habits bleed, and some acid draughts pour in, gents,
+  With Oleum Terebinthinć (small doses) and astringents.
+        Sing hey, sing ho; if you think the lesion spacious,
+        The Acetate of Lead is found very efficacious.
+
+Thus, in a few lines a great deal of valuable professional information is
+conveyed, at the same time that the tedium of much study is relieved by
+the harmony. If poetry is yet to be found in our hospitals--a queer place
+certainly for her to dwell, unless in her present feeble state the
+frequenters of Parnassus have subscribed to give her an in-patient's
+ticket--we trust that some able hand will continue this subject for the
+benefit of medical students generally; for, we repeat, it is much to be
+regretted that no more of this valuable production remains to us than the
+portion which Punch has just immortalized, and set forth as an apt example
+for cheering the pursuit of knowledge under difficulties. The gifted hand
+who arranged this might have turned Cooper's First Lines of Surgery into a
+tragedy; Dr. Copeland's Medical Dictionary into a domestic melodrama, with
+long intervals between the acts; and the Pharmacopoeia into a light
+one-act farce. It strikes us if the theatres could enter into an
+arrangement with the Borough Hospitals to supply an amputation every
+evening as the finishing _coup_ to an act, it would draw immensely when
+other means failed to attract.
+
+The last time we heard this poem was at an harmonic meeting of medical
+students, within twenty shells' length of the ---- School dissecting-room.
+It was truly delightful to see these young men snatching a few Anacreontic
+hours from their harassing professional occupations. At the time we heard
+it, the singer was slightly overcome by excitement and tight boots; and,
+at length, being prevailed upon to remove the obnoxious understandings,
+they were passed round the table to be admired, and eventually returned to
+their owner, filled with half-and-half, cigar-ashes, broken pipes,
+bread-crusts, and gin-and-water. This was a jocular pleasantry, which only
+the hilarious mind of a medical student could have conceived.
+
+As the day of examination approaches, the economy of our friend undergoes
+a complete transformation, but in an inverse entomological
+progression--changing from the butterfly into the chrysalis. He is seldom
+seen at the hospitals, dividing the whole of his time between the grinder
+and his lodgings; taking innumerable notes at one place, and endeavouring
+to decipher them at the other. Those who have called upon him at this
+trying period have found him in an old shooting-jacket and slippers,
+seated at a table, and surrounded by every book that was ever written upon
+every medical subject that was ever discussed, all of which he appears to
+be reading at once--with little pieces of paper strewn all over the room,
+covered with strange hieroglyphics and extraordinary diagrams of chemical
+decompositions. His brain is just as full of temporary information as a
+bad egg is of sulphuretted hydrogen; and it is a fortunate provision of
+nature that the _dura mater_ is of a tough fibrous texture--were it not
+for this safeguard, the whole mass would undoubtedly go off at once like a
+too tightly-rammed rocket. He is conscious of this himself, from the
+grinding information wherein he has been taught that the brain has three
+coverings, in the following order:--the _dura mater_, or Chesterfield
+overall; the _tunica arachnoidea_, or "dress coat of fine Saxony cloth;"
+and, in immediate contact, the _pia mater_, or five-and-sixpenny long
+cloth shirt with linen wristbands and fronts. This is a brilliant specimen
+of the helps to memory which the grinder affords, as splendid in its
+arrangement as the topographical methods of calling to mind the course of
+the large arteries, which define the abdominal aorta as Cheapside, its two
+common iliac branches, as Newgate-street and St. Paul's Churchyard, and
+the medio sacralis given off between them, as Paternoster-row.
+
+Time goes on, bringing the fated hour nearer and nearer; and the student's
+assiduity knows no bounds. He reads his subjects over and over again, to
+keep them fresh in his memory, like little boys at school, who try to
+catch a last bird's-eye glance of their book before they give it into the
+usher's hands to say by heart. He now feels a deep interest in the
+statistics of the Hall, and is horrified at hearing that "nine men out of
+thirteen were sent back last Thursday!" The subjects, too, that they were
+rejected upon frighten him just as much. One was plucked upon his anatomy;
+another, because he could not tell the difference between a daisy and a
+chamomile; and a third, after "being in" three hours and a quarter, was
+sent back, for his inability to explain the process of making malt from
+barley,--an operation, whose final use he so well understands, although
+the preparation somewhat bothered him. And thus, funking at the rejection
+of a clever man, or marvelling at the success of an acknowledged
+fool--determining to take prussic acid in the event of being
+refused--reading fourteen hours a day--and keeping awake by the combined
+influence of snuff and coffee--the student finds his first ordeal approach.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+TRUE ECONOMY.
+
+Peter Borthwick experienced a sad disappointment lately. Having applied to
+the City Chamberlain for the situation of Lord Mayor's fool, he was told
+that the Corporation, in a true spirit of economy, had decided upon
+dividing the duties amongst themselves. Peter was--but we were
+not--surprised that between the Aldermen and tom-foolery there should
+exist
+
+[Illustration: A STRONG ATTACHMENT.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE LORD MAYOR'S FOOL.
+
+We are happy in being able to announce that it is the intention of the new
+potentate of Guildhall to revive the ancient and honourable office of
+"Lord Mayor's Fool." A number of candidates have already offered
+themselves, whose qualifications for the situation are so equally
+balanced, that it is a matter of no small difficulty to decide amongst
+them. The Light of the City has, we understand, called in Gog and
+Magog--Sir Peter Laurie and Alderman Humphrey--to assist him in selecting
+a fit and proper person upon whom to bestow the Civic cap and bells.
+
+The following is a list of the individuals whose claims are under
+consideration:--
+
+_The Marquis of Londonderry_, who founds his claims upon the fact of his
+always creating immense laughter whenever he opens his mouth.
+
+_Lord Brougham_, who grounds his pretensions upon the agility displayed by
+him in his favourite character of "the Political Harlequin."
+
+_Lord Normanby_, upon the peculiar fitness of his physiognomy to play the
+Fool in any Court.
+
+_Daniel O'Connell_, upon his impudence, and his offer to fool it in his
+new scarlet gown and cocked-hat.
+
+_Peter Borthwick_, upon his brilliant wit, which it is intended shall
+supersede the Bude Light in the House of Commons.
+
+_Colonel Sibthorp_, upon his jokes, which have convulsed all the readers
+of PUNCH, including himself.
+
+_George Stephens_, upon the immense success of his tragedy of
+"Martinuzzi," which, to the outrageous merriment of the audience, turned
+out to be a farce.
+
+_T. Wakley_, upon the comical way in which he turns his Cap of Liberty
+into a _Wellington-Wig_ and back again at the shortest notice.
+
+_Sir Francis Burdett_, upon the exceeding complacency with which he wears
+his own fool's-cap.
+
+_Ben D'Israeli_, upon his unadulterated simplicity, and the unfurnished
+state of his attic.
+
+_Mr. Muntz_, upon the _primâ facie_ evidence that he is a near relative of
+Gog and Magog, and therefore the best entitled to the Civic Foolship.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH'S CATECHISM OF GEOGRAPHY.
+
+The astonishing increase of the great metropolis in every direction--the
+growing up of Brixton and Clapham--the discovery of inhabited streets and
+houses in the _terra incognita_ to the northward of Pentonville--and the
+spirit of maritime enterprise which the late successful voyages made by
+the _Bridegroom_ steam-boat to the coast of Chelsea has excited in the
+public mind--has induced a thirst for knowledge, and a desire to be
+acquainted with the exact geographical position of this habitable world,
+of which it is admitted Pinnock's work does not give the remotest idea. To
+supply this deficiency, PUNCH begs leave to offer to his friends and
+readers _his_ Catechism of Geography, which, if received with the
+extraordinary favour it deserves from the public, may be followed by
+catechisms on other interesting branches of knowledge.
+
+
+CHAPTER I.
+
+OF THE WORLD IN GENERAL.
+
+_Q._ What is geography?
+
+_A._ The looking for _places_ on a map, or in Downing-street, or anywhere
+else in the world.
+
+_Q._ What do you mean by the world?
+
+_A._ Every place comprehended within the circle of a sixpenny omnibus fare
+from the Bank.
+
+_Q._ Of what is the world composed?
+
+_A._ Of bricks and mortar, and Thames water.
+
+_Q._ Into how many parts is the world usually divided?
+
+_A._ Into four great parts, viz.--London, Westminster, Marylebone, and
+Finsbury; to which may be added the Borough, which is over the water. Or
+it may be said that Fashion has divided the world into two distinct parts,
+viz.--the East-end and the West-end, and a great number of suburbs.
+
+_Q._ How are the bricks and mortar subdivided?
+
+_A._ Into continents, islands, peninsulas, and isthmuses.
+
+_Q._ What is a continent?
+
+_A._ Any district containing a number of separate residences and distinct
+tenements, as _St. James's_, _St. Giles's_.
+
+_Q._ What is an island?
+
+_A._ An island is anything surrounded by the Thames, as _The Eel-Pie
+Island_, and _The Convict Hulk_ at Deptford.
+
+_Q._ What is a peninsula?
+
+_A._ Anything that runs into the Thames, as _The Suspension Pier at
+Chelsea_, and _Jack-in-the-Water_ at the Tower-stairs.
+
+_Q._ What is an isthmus?
+
+_A._ A narrow place that joins two continents together, as _Temple bar_,
+which joins _Westminster_ to the _City_.
+
+_Q._ How is the Thames water divided?
+
+_A._ Morally speaking, it is divided into river water, pipe water, and
+gin-and-water.
+
+_Q._ Where is river water found?
+
+_A._ Anywhere between Vauxhall and London Bridges. It is inhabited
+principally by flounders and bargemen.
+
+_Q._ What is pipe water?
+
+_A._ An intermitting stream, having its source at some distant basin. It
+usually runs into a cistern, until the water-rates get into arrear, when
+the supply ceases through the intervention of a turncock.
+
+_Q._ Where is gin-and-water to be found?
+
+_A._ All over the world; but especially in the vicinity of a cab-stand.
+
+_Q._ In what other manner is the Thames water divided?
+
+_A._ Physically speaking, into oceans, seas, gulfs, bays, straits, lakes
+and rivers.
+
+_Q._ What is an ocean?
+
+_A._ Any great body of water whose limits it is impossible to describe, as
+_The Floating Bath_ at Southwark-bridge, and _The Real Tank_ at the
+Adelphi Theatre.
+
+_Q._ What is a sea?
+
+_A._ Any small collection of water, as at Chel_sea_, Batter_sea._
+
+_Q._ What is a gulf?
+
+_A._ A gulf is any place, the greater part of which is surrounded by
+lawyers, as _Lincoln's Inn,--The Court of Chancery_.
+
+_Q._ What is a haven?
+
+_A._ A commodious harbour, where people lie at anchor in perfect security,
+as _The Queen's Bench,--The Fleet_, the sight of which is
+
+[Illustration: ENOUGH TO TURN ONE'S HEAD.]
+
+_Q._ What is a strait?
+
+_A._ A strait is a narrow passage which connects two broad principles as
+_Wakley's Straits_, which join Radicalism and Conservatism.
+
+_Q._ What is a lake?
+
+_A._ A lake is any small portion of Honesty, entirely surrounded by Self,
+as _Peel's Politics_.
+
+_Q._ What is a river?
+
+_A._ A river is a Tax-stream which rises from the Treasury, and runs into
+the pockets of the Ministerial party. The People are _the source_ of the
+stream--the Ministry is _the mouth_. When the mouth is very wide, it is
+called a _Tory mouth_. The _right_ or _left_ banks of a Tax stream are the
+_Treasury_ or _Opposition benches_, to the right or left of the Speaker
+when he has his back to the source.
+
+_Q._ How are tax streams divided?
+
+_A._ Into _salaries_ and _pensions_.
+
+_Q._ What is _a conflux_?
+
+_A._ Any place where two or more salaries or pensions are united, as The
+Duke's breeches-pocket.
+
+_Q._ Is there any other peculiarity attending a tax stream?
+
+_A._ Yes. _Radicalism_ is that part of a stream nearest to its _source_;
+_Toryism_ that part nearest to its _mouth_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SPARKS FROM THE FIRE.
+
+ALL IS NOT LOST.
+
+Colonel Sibthorp begs to inform the Editor of Punch that the loss of the
+wooden gun named "Policy," which was destroyed by the late fire at the
+Tower, is not irreparable. He has himself been for a long time employed by
+the Tories for a similar purpose as that for which the "Policy" had been
+successfully used, namely, to make the enemy believe they were well
+provided with real artillery; and being now the _greatest wooden gun_ in
+the world, he will, immediately on the Lower Armoury being rebuilt, be
+happy to take the place of the gun which has been unfortunately consumed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+DISTRESS OF THE COUNTRY.
+
+BY THE AUTHOR OF "LIGHTS AND SHADOWS OF LONDON LIFE."
+
+Merciful Heaven! we shudder as we write! The state of destitution to which
+the civic authorities are reduced is appalling. Will our readers believe
+it--there were only five hundred tureens of turtle, or two thousand five
+hundred pints, or _five thousand_ basins, amongst not quite fifteen
+hundred guests,--only two basins and a half a man,--for the first course!
+But we print the bill of fare; it will be read with intense interest by
+the manufacturers of Paisley, inhabitants of poor-law unions, but more
+especially by the literary community.
+
+"GENERAL BILL OF FARE.--250 tureens of real turtle, containing five pints
+each; 200 bottles of sherbet; 6 dishes of fish; 30 entrées; 4 boiled
+turkeys and oysters; 60 roast pullets; 60 dishes of fowls; 46 ditto of
+capons; 50 French pies; 60 pigeon pies; 53 hams (ornamented); 43 tongues;
+2 quarters of house lamb; 2 barons of beef; 3 rounds of beef; 2 stewed
+rumps of beef; 13 sirloins, rumps, and ribs of beef; 6 dishes of
+asparagus; 60 ditto of mashed and other potatoes; 44 ditto of shell-fish;
+4 ditto of prawns; 140 jellies; 50 blancmanges; 40 dishes of tarts
+(creamed); 30 ditto of orange and other tourtes; 40 ditto of almond
+pastry; 20 Chantilly baskets; 60 dishes of mince pies; 56 salads; peas and
+asparagus. The Removes:--30 roast turkeys; 6 leverets; 80 pheasants; 24
+geese; 40 dishes of partridges; 15 dishes of wild fowl; 2 pea-fowls.
+Dessert:--100 pineapples, from 2 lb. to 3 lb. each; 200 dishes of
+hot-house grapes; 250 ice creams; 50 dishes of apples; 100 ditto of pears;
+60 ornamented Savoy cakes; 75 plates of walnuts; 80 ditto of dried fruit
+and preserves; 50 ditto of preserved ginger; 60 ditto of rout cakes and
+chips; 46 ditto of brandy cherries.
+
+"THE PRINCIPAL TABLE (at which the Right Hon. the Lord Mayor presides).--10
+tureens of turtle, 10 bottles of sherbet, 6 dishes of fish, 30 entrées, 1
+boiled turkey and oysters, 2 roast pullets, 2 dishes of fowls, 2 ditto of
+capons, 2 French pies, 2 pigeon pies, 2 hams (ornamented), 2 tongues, 1
+quarter of house-lamb, 1 stewed rump of beef, 1 sirloin of beef, 6 dishes
+of asparagus, 2 dishes of mashed and other potatoes, 3 ditto of
+shell-fish, 1 dish of prawns, 3 jellies, 3 blancmanges, 2 dishes of tarts
+(creamed), 2 dishes of orange and other tourtes, 2 dishes of almond
+pastry, 4 Chantilly baskets, 2 dishes of mince pies, 4 salads. Removes:--3
+roast turkeys, 1 leveret, 3 pheasants, 2 geese, 2 dishes of partridges, 1
+dish of wild fowl, 2 peafowls. Dessert:--6 pine-apples, 12 dishes of
+grapes, 10 ice creams, 2 dishes of apples, 4 dishes of pears, 2 ornamented
+Savoy cakes, 3 plates of walnuts, 4 plates of dried fruit and preserves, 3
+plates of preserved ginger, 3 plates of rout cakes and chips, 3 plates of
+brandy cherries.
+
+"THE FIVE UPPER TABLES.--80 tureens of turtle, 60 bottles of sherbet, 3
+boiled turkeys and oysters, 16 roast pullets, 20 dishes of fowls, 15 ditto
+of capons, 16 French pies, 16 pigeon pies, 16 hams (ornamented), 13
+tongues, 1 quarter of house-lamb, 1 round of beef, 1 stewed rump of beef,
+4 sirloins, rumps and ribs of beef, 20 dishes of mashed and other
+potatoes, 12 ditto of shell-fish, 1 dish of prawns, 40 jellies, 16
+blancmanges, 13 dishes of tarts (creamed), 9 ditto of orange and other
+tourtes, 13 ditto of almond pastry, 16 Chantilly baskets, 20 dishes of
+mince pies, 17 salads. Removes: 23 roast turkeys, 5 leverets, 23
+pheasants, 7 geese, 13 dishes of partridges, 5 ditto of wild fowl.
+Dessert:--32 pine-apples, 64 dishes of grapes, 80 ice creams, 15 dishes of
+apples, 30 ditto of pears, 18 ornamented Savoy cakes, 24 plates of
+walnuts, 26 ditto of dried fruit and preserves, 15 ditto of preserved
+ginger, 18 ditto of rout cakes and chips, 14 ditto of brandy cherries.
+
+"THE FIVE SHORT TABLES NEXT THE UPPER TABLES.--26 tureens of turtle, 22
+bottles of sherbet, 3 roast pullets, 6 dishes of fowls, 5 dishes of
+capons, 5 French pies, 7 pigeon pies, 6 hams (ornamented), 5 tongues, 1
+sirloin of beef, 6 dishes of mashed and other potatoes, 5 ditto of
+shell-fish, 1 dish of prawns, 16 jellies, 5 blancmanges, 4 dishes of tarts
+(creamed), 3 dishes of orange and other tourtes, 4 dishes of almond
+pastry, 6 dishes of mince pies, 6 salads. Removes:--10 roast turkeys, 10
+pheasants, 3 geese, 4 dishes of partridges. Dessert:--10 pine-apples, 20
+dishes of grapes, 26 ice creams, 5 dishes of apples, 12 ditto of pears, 7
+ornamented Savoy cakes, 8 plates of walnuts, 8 ditto of dried fruit and
+preserves, 5 ditto of preserved ginger, 7 ditto of rout cakes and chips, 5
+ditto of brandy cherries.
+
+"THE FOUR LONG TABLES IN THE BODY OF THE HALL.--80 tureens of turtle, 60
+bottles of sherbet, 17 roast pullets, 20 dishes of fowls, 15 dishes of
+capons, 16 French pies, 20 pigeon pies, 16 hams (ornamented), 13 tongues,
+1 round of beef, 1 stewed rump of beef, 4 sirloins, rumps, and ribs of
+beef, 20 dishes of mashed and other potatoes, 13 dishes of shell-fish, 40
+jellies, 16 blancmanges, 13 dishes of tarts (creamed), 10 ditto of orange
+and other tourtes, 13 ditto of almond pastry, 20 ditto of mince pies, 17
+salads. Removes:--23 roast turkeys, 23 pheasants, 7 geese, 13 dishes of
+partridges, 5 ditto of wild fowl. Dessert:--32 pine-apples, 64 dishes of
+grapes, 80 ice creams, 16 dishes of apples, 30 ditto of pears, 20
+ornamented Savoy cakes, 24 plates of walnuts. 26 ditto of dried fruit and
+preserves, 16 ditto of preserved ginger, 20 ditto of rout cakes and chips,
+15 ditto of brandy cherries.
+
+"THE SEVEN SIDE TABLES.--24 tureens of turtle, 20 bottles of sherbet, 7
+roast pullets, 5 dishes of fowls, 4 ditto of capons, 5 French pies, 5
+pigeon pies, 6 hams (ornamented), 4 tongues, 1 sirloin of beef, 5 dishes
+of mashed and other potatoes, 4 ditto of shell-fish, 1 dish of prawns, 15
+jellies, 4 blancmanges, 3 dishes of tarts (creamed), 2 ditto of orange and
+other tourtes, 3 ditto of almond pastry, 5 ditto of mince pies, 5 salads.
+Removes--9 roast turkeys, 9 pheasants, 2 geese, 20 dishes of partridges.
+Dessert:--8 pine-apples, 16 dishes of grapes, 24 ice creams, 5 dishes of
+apples, 16 ditto of pears, 6 ornamented Savoy cakes, 7 plates of walnuts,
+7 ditto of dried fruit and preserves, 5 ditto of preserved ginger, 6 ditto
+of rout cakes and chips, 4 ditto of brandy cherries.
+
+"THE THREE TABLES IN THE OLD COURT OF QUEEN'S BENCH.--30 tureens of turtle,
+28 bottles of sherbet, 10 roast pullets, 7 dishes of fowls. 6 ditto of
+capons, 5 French pies, 10 pigeon pies, 7 hams (ornamented), 6 tongues, 1
+round of beef, 2 sirloins and ribs of beef, 7 dishes of mashed and other
+potatoes, 6 ditto of shell-fish, 21 jellies, 6 blancmanges, 5 dishes of
+tarts (creamed), 4 ditto of orange and other tourtes, 5 ditto of almond
+pastry, 7 ditto of mince pies, 7 salads. Removes:--12 roast turkeys, 12
+pheasants, 3 geese, 5 dishes of partridges, 4 ditto of wild fowl.
+Dessert:--12 pine-apples, 24 dishes of grapes, 30 ice creams, 7 dishes of
+apples, 14 ditto of pears, 7 ornamented Savoy cakes, 9 plates of walnuts,
+9 ditto of dried fruit and preserves, 6 ditto of preserved ginger, 7 ditto
+of rout cakes and chips, 5 ditto of brandy cherries.
+
+"WINES:--Champagne, Hock, Claret, Madeira, Port, and Sherry."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE DESTRUCTION OF THE ALDERMEN.
+
+A MANSION-HOUSE MELODY.
+
+  Apoplexia came down on the Alderman fold,
+  And his cohorts were gleaming with jaundice like gold,
+  And the sheen of the spectres that own'd his behest
+  Glimmer'd bright as the gas at a new Lord May'r's feast.
+
+  Every fiend that humanity shrinks from was there--
+  Hepatitis, Lumbago, with hollow-eyed Care,
+  Hypochondria, and Gout grinning ghastly with pain,
+  And of Incubi phantoms a horrible train.
+
+  And onwards they gallop'd in brotherly pairs;
+  Their pennons pale yellow, their steeds were night mares;
+  And their leader's grim visage a darksome smile wore
+  As he gave the word "Halt" at the Mansion-house door.
+
+  The vision dismounted, and peering within,
+  'Midst a rattle of glasses and knife and fork din,
+  His victims beheld, tucking in calipash,
+  While they hob-nobb'd and toasted in Burgundy wash.
+
+  Then he straightway amongst them his grisly form cast,
+  And breathed on each puffing red face as he pass'd;
+  And the eyes of the feasters wax'd deadly and chill,
+  And their stomachs once heaved, and for ever grew still!
+
+  And the turtle devourers were stretched on the floor--
+  Each cheek changed to purple--so crimson before!
+  Their dewlaps all dabbled with red wine and ale,
+  And extremities cold as a live fish's tail!
+
+  And there lay the Liv'ryman, breathless and lorn,
+  With waistcoat and new inexpressibles torn;
+  And the Hall was all silent, the band having flown,
+  And the waiters stared wildly on, sweating and blown!
+
+  And Cripplegate widows are loud in their wail!
+  And Mary-Axe orphans all trembling and pale!
+  For the Alderman glory has melted away,
+  As mists are dispersed by the glad dawn of day.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+_HARMER VIRUMQUE CANO._
+
+In the list of guests at the Lord Mayor's dinner we did not perceive the
+name of "Harmer" among those who met to "despatch" the viands. On inquiry
+we learn that since the fire at the Tower he has secluded himself in his
+own _Harmer-y_, and has not egressed from "Ingress Abbey," for fear of
+incendiaries. The ex-alderman having however always shown a decided
+predilection for Gravesend, it is not wonderful that during the wet season
+he should be
+
+[Illustration: STOPPING AT A WATERING-PLACE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A CHAPTER ON POLITICS.
+
+    WHEREIN "PUNCH" HINTETH AT A STARTLING CHANGE IN THE MODUS
+    OPERANDI OF LEGISLATION.--HE ALSO EXHIBITETH A PROFOUND KNOWLEDGE
+    OF FOREIGN AFFAIRS; AND SHOWETH HOW AT HOME WE ARE ALL ABROAD.
+
+At a period when every Englishman, from the Minister to the Quack Doctor
+(and extremes very often meet), is laying down his pseudo-political
+principles, PUNCH desires to expound his practical and scientific plan for
+increasing prosperity and preserving peace. Yes, at a moment like this,
+when the party difference "'twixt Tweedledum and Tweedledee" has produced
+a total stand-still; when Whigs cannot move, and when Tories will
+not,--PUNCH steps forward to prescribe (without a fee) for the sinking
+Constitution.
+
+PUNCH _loquitur_.--A very great genius--one almost equal to myself--has
+declared that of the great mass of mankind, ninety-nine out of every
+hundred are lost in error. Every day proves the fact.--From the Peer, who
+mistakes exclusiveness for dignity, and a power to injure for a right to
+oppress, to the Peasant, who confounds aggression and insolence with
+justice and independence, it is all error! error!! error!!!
+
+Upon this fact rests the basis of my wonderful improvements. If the
+majority be wrong, the inference is obvious--the minority must be right.
+Then, in future, let everything be conducted by the minority--the sensible
+few. Behold the consequences!
+
+In those days we shall have Mr. Samuel Carter Hall, who polled three days
+and got--one vote, declared County Member elect. Sibthorp shall be a man
+of weight and influence, "giving to (h)airy nothing a local habitation and
+a name." Roebuck shall be believed to have had ancestors; and shall wring
+the nose of some small boy attached to _The Times_ newspaper; and the
+Whigs--yes, the Whigs--shall be declared both wise and honest: though
+Parliament has pronounced them fools, and the country has believed them to
+be knaves.
+
+_Pupil of Punch, respondet_.--That would be a change, Punch! Rather. Cast
+your eye around and see the workings of this grand principle; the labours
+of the many compassed by the few--steam and slavery.
+
+_Punch_.--Very true! Let me now draw your attention to the real difference
+between the English and some foreign governments:--
+
+    The Turkish minister generally loses his power and his head at the
+    same time; the English minister carries on his business without a
+    head at all. For the performance of his duty the former is
+    decapitated--the latter is incapacitated.
+
+    The Japanese legislator when disgraced invariably rips up his
+    bowels; the English legislator is invariably in disgrace, but has
+    no bowels to rip up. With some other nations the unsuccessful
+    leader gets bow-stringed and comfortably sown up in a sack; our
+    great man is satisfied with getting the sack, having previously
+    bagged as much as lay in his power.
+
+(Next week I may probably continue the lecture and the parallels.)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE PRINCE'S EXTRA.
+
+At Gray's Inn the loyalty of that society was manifested in a very
+gratifying manner: the treasurer and benchers having ordered _extra wine_
+to be served to the barristers and students, the health of her Majesty and
+the infant Prince was drunk with enthusiastic rapture.
+
+  Long live the Prince! For many a year
+    To wet each student's throttle;
+  He well deserves an _extra cheer_,
+    Who brings an _extra bottle_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH'S THEATRE.
+
+THE WRONG MAN.
+
+The author of this farce hath placed himself in the first section of the
+second chapter of that treatise on "Dramatic Casualties" which hath helped
+to make "Punch" the oracle of wit and of wisdom he has become to the
+entire intelligence of the land, from the aristocracy upwards[2]. In this
+instance he is truly one who "writeth a farce or comedy and neglecteth to
+introduce jokes in the same." But this we hope will prove a solitary
+instance of such neglect; for when he next inditeth, may he show that he
+is not the "Wrong Man" to write a good piece; although alas, he appeared
+on Saturday last to be exactly the right man for penning a bad one.
+
+    [2] Punch, No. 11 page 131.
+
+When a playwright produces a plot whose incidents are just within the
+possibilities, and far beyond the probabilities, of this life, it is said
+to be "ingenious," because of the crowd of circumstances that are huddled
+into each scene. According to this acceptation, the "Wrong Man" would be a
+highly ingenious farce; if that may be called a farce from which the
+remotest semblance of facetić is scrupulously excluded. Proceed we,
+therefore, to an analysis of the fable with becoming gravity.
+
+At the outset we are introduced to a maiden lady in (_horresco referens!_)
+her private apartment; but to save scandal, the introduction is not made
+without company--there is also her maid. _Patty Smart_, although not a new
+servant, has chosen that precise moment to inform her mistress concerning
+the exact situation of her private circumstances, and the precise state of
+her heart. She is in love: it is for _Simon Tack_ that the flame is kept
+alive; he, a dapper upholder, upholds her affections. At this point, a
+triangular note is produced, which plainly foretells a dishonourable
+rival. You are not deceived; it proposes an assignation in that elysium of
+bachelors and precipice of destruction for young ladies, the Albany.
+Wonderful to relate, it is from _Miss Thomasina Fringe's_ nephew, _Sir
+Bryan Beausex_. The maiden dame is inconceivably shocked; and to show her
+detestation of this indelicate proposal, agrees to personate _Patty_ and
+keep the appointment herself, for the pleasure of inflicting on her nephew
+a heap of mortification and a moral lecture. _Mr. Tack_ is the next
+appearance: being an upholsterer, of course he has the run of the house,
+so it is not at all odd to find him in a maiden lady's boudoir; the more
+especially as he enters from behind his natural element--the window
+curtains.
+
+It is astonishing with what pertinacity the characters in most farces will
+bore one with their private affairs when they first appear! In this
+respect _Sir Bryan Beausex_, in the next scene, is quite as bad as _Patty_
+was in the former one. He seems to have invited four unoffending victims
+to dine at his chambers in the Albany, on purpose to inform them that in
+his youth he was betrothed to a girl whom he has never since seen; but
+what that has to do with telling his guests to be off, because he expects
+a charming little lady's-maid at six, his companions are doubtless puzzled
+to understand. One of them, however, is _Beechwood_--a very considerably
+diluted edition of _Jerry Bumps_ in "Turning the Tables"--who determines
+to revenge this early turn-out by a trick upon the inhospitable host, and
+goes off to develop it--to commence, in fact, the farce.
+
+_Sir Bryan Beausex_ is waiting with impatience the arrival of _Patty_,
+when his servant enters with a letter, which he says has been just
+delivered by a servant, who galloped up to the door on a horse--an
+extraordinary clever hack, we should say; for, to perform this feat, he
+must have broken through a porter's lodge, galloped over a smooth
+pavement, and under a roof so low, that Lord Burghersh can only traverse
+it with his hat off. We should like to see a horse-race in the Albany
+avenue! The letter thus so cavalierly brought, contains news of an
+accident that has happened to _Miss Fringe_, and summons _Beausex's_
+immediate presence. Off he goes, and on comes _Beechwood_ with a "Ha! ha!
+ha!, fairly hoaxed," and all that; which is usually laughed and said by
+hoaxers _of_ hoaxees.
+
+It has happened that _Mr. Tack_, the upholsterer, having had a peep at the
+contents of the cocked-hat billet, addressed to Mistress _Smart_,
+conceives a violent fit of jealousy, and having also _Beausex's_ custom,
+has the range of his house as well as that of _Miss Fringe_. So by this
+time we naturally find him behind _Sir Bryan's_ window-curtains, to
+witness the interview between him and the future _Mrs. Tack_; that is to
+say, if she prove not false.
+
+Things approach to a crisis. _Miss Fringe_ enters, but brings with her
+_Alice_, the young lady whose infant heart was betrothed to _Beausex_.
+She, taking the place of _Patty Smart_, goes through a dialogue with
+_Beechwood_ instead of _Beausex_; and we now learn that the former
+christens the farce, he being the "Wrong Man." Somewhere near this point
+of the story the first act ends.
+
+The second act is occupied in clearing up the mistakes which the audience
+know all about already; but those among them who had, up to about the
+middle of it, been waiting with exemplary patience for the jokes, began to
+get tired of having nothing to laugh at, and hissed. Despite these noisy
+drawbacks, however, we were able to find out that _Beausex_ loses his
+cousin _Alice_ and her fortune (a regular farce fortune--some five or six
+hundred thousand pounds or so); for she falls in love with _Beechwood_,
+and _vice versa_. _Tack_ and _Patty Smart_ are rendered happy; but what
+really becomes of _Beausex_ and his aunt the sibilants forbad our knowing.
+We suppose, by Mr. Bartley's pantomime, that _Sir Bryan_ puts up with his
+hoax and his lady-loss with a good grace; for he flourished about his
+never-absent pocket-handkerchief with one hand, shook hands with _Miss
+Fringe_ with the other, stepped forward, did some more dumb show to the
+dissentients, and, with the rest of the actors, bowed down the curtain.
+
+We perceive by the Times that the author of the "Wrong Man" is not so very
+culpable after all. He is guiltless of the plot; that being taken from a
+French piece called "Le Tapissier."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE MASONS AND THE STONE JUG.
+
+Mr. Wakley feelingly remarked at the late meeting of the union masons that
+the "man who would lock up _a pump_ was unfit to hold any situation of
+trust." On the strength of this opinion the Earl of Waklegrave and Captain
+Duff intend to proceed against the Marshal of the Queen's Bench for having
+_locked them up_ for these last six months.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"THE FORCE OF FANCY COULD NO FURTHER GO."
+
+The Times gives an extract from the _Norwich Aurora_, an American paper,
+descriptive of a newly discovered cavern. The writer, with a power of
+imagination almost marvellous, remarks, "The air in the cavern had a
+peculiar smell, resembling--NOTHING." We believe that is the identical
+flavour of "_Leg of Nothing and no turnips_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+CONUNDRUM BY THE LORD MAYOR.
+
+Why does a drunken milkmaid resemble a celebrated French
+diplomatist?--Because she is like to _tally-wrong_--(Talleyrand.)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+1, November 13, 1841, by Various
+
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+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1,
+November 13, 1841, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, November 13, 1841
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14936]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team Syamanta
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+<h1>PUNCH,<br />
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+<h2>VOL. 1.</h2>
+<hr class="full" />
+<h2>NOVEMBER 13, 1841.</h2>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page205" name="page205"></a>[pg
+205]</span>
+<h2>THE BIRTH OF THE PRINCE OF WALES.</h2>
+<p class="cen">(<em>By the Observer&rsquo;s own
+Correspondent.</em>)</p>
+<p>It will be seen that we were not premature in announcing the
+probability of the birth of a Prince of Wales; and though it was
+impossible that any one should be able to speak with certainty, our
+positive tone upon the occasion serves to show the exclusive nature
+of all our intelligence. We are enabled now to state that the
+Prince will immediately take, indeed he has already taken, the
+title of <em>Prince of Wales</em>, which it is generally understood
+he will enjoy&mdash;at least if a child so young can be said to
+enjoy anything of the kind&mdash;until an event shall happen which
+we hope will be postponed for a very protracted period. The Prince
+of Wales, should he survive his mother, will ascend the throne; but
+whether he will be George the Fifth, Albert the First, Henry the
+Ninth, Charles the Third, or Anything the Nothingth, depends upon
+circumstances we are not at liberty to allude to&mdash;<em>at
+present</em>; nor do we think we shall be enabled to do so in a
+second edition.</p>
+<p>Our suggestion last week, that the royal birth should take place
+on Lord Mayor&rsquo;s Day, has, we are happy to see, been partially
+attended to; but we regret that the whole hog has not been gone, by
+twins having been presented to the anxious nation, so that there
+might have been a baronetcy each for the outgoing and incoming Lord
+Mayors of Dublin and London. Perhaps, however, it might have been
+attended with difficulty to follow our advice to the very letter;
+but we nevertheless think it might have been arranged; though if
+others think otherwise, we, of course, have nothing further to say
+upon the matter alluded to.</p>
+<p>We very much regret to make an announcement, and are glad at
+being the first to do so, though we are sorry to advert to the
+subject, touching an alarming symptom in the Princess Royal. Her
+Royal Highness, ever since the birth of the Prince, whom we think
+we may now venture to call her brother, has suffered from an
+affection of the nose, which is said to be quite out of joint since
+the royal stranger (for we hope we may take the liberty of alluding
+to the Prince of Wales as a stranger, for he is a stranger to us,
+at least we have never seen him) came into existence.</p>
+<p>We hear it on good authority that when the Princess was taken to
+see her brother, Her Royal Highness, who begins to articulate a few
+sounds, exclaimed, &ldquo;<em>Tar</em>!&rdquo; with unusual
+emphasis. It is supposed, from this simple but affecting
+circumstance, that the Prince of Wales will eventually become <em>a
+Tar</em>, and perhaps regain for his country the undisputed
+dominion of the seas, which, by-the-bye, has not been questioned,
+and probably will not be, in which case the naval attributes of His
+Royal Highness will not be brought into activity.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>FASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE.</h3>
+<p>Master Smith took an airing on the 5th, accompanied by a Guy
+Fawkes and a very numerous <em>suite</em>. In the evening there was
+a select circle, and a bonfire.</p>
+<p>Mr. Baron Nathan and family are still at Kennington. The Baron
+danced the college hornpipe, last Wednesday, on one leg, before a
+party of private friends; and the Honourable Miss Nathan went
+through the Cracovienne, amidst twenty-four coffee-cups and an
+inverted pitcher, surmounted by a very long champagne-glass. Upon
+inspecting the cups after the graceful performance was concluded,
+there was not a chip upon one of them. The champagne glass, though
+it frequently rattled in its perilous position, retained it through
+the whole of the dance, and was carefully picked up at its
+conclusion by the Baroness, who we were happy to find looking in
+more than her usual health, and enjoying her accustomed
+spirits.</p>
+<p>Bill Bunks has a new feline provisional equipage ready to
+launch. The body is a dark black, and the wheels are of the same
+rich colour, slightly picked out here and there with a chalk
+stripe. The effect altogether is very light and pretty,
+particularly as the skewers to be used are all new, and the board
+upon which the <em>ha&rsquo;porths</em> are cut has been recently
+planed with much nicety.</p>
+<p>The travelling menagerie at the foot of Waterloo-bridge was
+visited yesterday by several loungers. Amongst the noses poked
+through the wires of the cage, we remarked several belonging to
+children of the mobility. The spirited proprietor has added another
+mouse to his collection, which may now be pronounced the
+first&mdash;speaking, of course, Surreysideically&mdash;in
+(entering) London.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>SONGS FOR CATARRHS.</h3>
+<p>&ldquo;The variable climate of our native land,&rdquo; as
+Rowland the Minstrel of Macassar has elegantly expressed it, like a
+Roman epicure, deprives our nightingales of their tongues, and the
+melodious denizens of our drawing-rooms of their &ldquo;sweet
+voices.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Vainly has Crevelli raised a bulwark of lozenges against the
+Demon of Catarrh! Soreness will invade the throat, and noses run in
+every family, seeming to be infected with a sentimental furor for
+blooming&mdash;we presume from being so newly blown. We have seen
+noses chiseled, as it were, from an alabaster block, grow in one
+short day scarlet as our own, as though they blushed for the
+continual trouble they were giving their proprietors; whilst the
+peculiar intonation produced by the conversion of the nasals into
+liquids, and then of the liquids ultimately into mutes, leads to
+the inference that there must be a stoppage about the bridge, and
+should be placarded, like that of Westminster, &ldquo;No
+thoroughfare.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>It has been generally supposed that St. Cecilia with a cold in
+her head would be incompetent to &ldquo;Nix my Dolly;&rdquo; and
+this erroneous and popular prejudice is continually made the excuse
+for vocal inability during the winter months. Now the effect which
+we have before described upon the articulation of the catarrhed
+would be, in our opinion, so far from displeasing, that we feel it
+would amply compensate for any imperfections of tune. For instance,
+what can be finer than the alteration it would produce in the
+well-known ballad of &ldquo;Oh no, we never mention
+her!&rdquo;&mdash;a ballad which has almost become wearisome from
+its sweetness and repetition. With a catarrh the words would run
+thus:&mdash;</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>&ldquo;O lo, we lever beltiol her,</p>
+<p>Her labe is lever heard.&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p>Struck with this modification of sound, PUNCH, anxious to cater
+<em>even</em> for the catarrhs of his subscribers, begs to furnish
+them with a &ldquo;<em>calzolet</em>,&rdquo; which he trusts will
+be of more service to harmonic meetings than pectoral lozenges and
+paregoric, as we have anticipated the cold by converting every
+<em>m</em> into <em>b</em>, and every <em>n</em> into
+<em>l</em>.</p>
+<h4>A SONG FOR A CATARRH.</h4>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p><em>B</em>y <em>B</em>ary A<em>ll</em>e is like the
+su<em>l</em>,</p>
+<p class="i2">Whe<em>l</em> at the daw<em>l</em> it
+fli<em>l</em>gs</p>
+<p>Its golde<em>l</em> s<em>b</em>iles of light upo<em>l</em></p>
+<p class="i2">Earth&rsquo;s gree<em>l</em> and lo<em>l</em>ely
+thi<em>l</em>gs.</p>
+<p>I<em>l</em> vai<em>l</em> I sue, I o<em>l</em>ly
+wi<em>l</em></p>
+<p class="i2">Fro<em>b</em> her a scor<em>l</em>ful
+frow<em>l</em>;</p>
+<p>But soo<em>l</em> as I <em>b</em>y prayers begi<em>l</em>,</p>
+<p class="i2">She cries O <em>l</em>o! bego<em>l</em>e.</p>
+<p>Yes! yes! the burthe<em>l</em> of her so<em>l</em>g</p>
+<p class="i2">Is <em>l</em>o! <em>l</em>o! <em>l</em>o!
+bego<em>l</em>e!</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p><em>B</em>y <em>B</em>ary A<em>ll</em>e is like the
+moo<em>l</em>,</p>
+<p class="i2">Whe<em>l</em> first her silver shee<em>l</em>,</p>
+<p>Awakes the <em>l</em>ighti<em>l</em>gale&rsquo;s soft
+tu<em>l</em>e,</p>
+<p class="i2">That else had sile<em>l</em>t bee<em>l</em>.</p>
+<p>But <em>B</em>ary A<em>ll</em>e, like darkest
+<em>l</em>ight,</p>
+<p class="i2">O<em>l</em> be, alas! looks dow<em>l</em>;</p>
+<p>Her s<em>b</em>iles o<em>l</em> others bea<em>b</em> their
+light,</p>
+<p class="i2">Her frow<em>l</em>s are all <em>b</em>y
+ow<em>l</em>.</p>
+<p>I&rsquo;ve but o<em>l</em>e burthe<em>l</em> to <em>b</em>y
+so<em>l</em>g&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Her frow<em>l</em>s are all <em>b</em>y
+ow<em>l</em>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>&ldquo;POSSUM UP A GUM TREE!&rdquo;</h3>
+<p>A grand gladiatorial tongue-threshing took place lately in a
+field near Paisley, between the two great Chartist
+champions&mdash;Feargus O&rsquo;Connor and the Rev. Mr. Brewster.
+The subject debated was, Whether is moral or physical force the
+fitter instrument for obtaining the Charter? The Doctor espoused
+the moral hocussing system, and Feargus took up the bludgeon for
+physical force. After a pretty considerable deal of fireworks had
+been let off on both sides, it was agreed to divide the field, when
+Feargus, waving his hat, <em>ascended into a tree</em>, and called
+upon his friends to follow him. But, alas! few answered to the
+summons,&mdash;he was left in a miserable minority; and the Doctor,
+as the Yankees say, decidedly &ldquo;put the critter up a
+tree.&rdquo; Feargus, being a <em>Radical</em>, should have kept to
+the <em>root</em> instead of venturing into the higher
+<em>branches</em> of political economy. At all events the Doctor,
+as the Yankees say, &ldquo;put the critter up a tree,&rdquo; where
+we calculate he must have looked tarnation ugly. The position was
+peculiarly ill-chosen&mdash;for when a fire-and-faggot orator
+begins to speak <em>trees-on</em>, it is only natural that his
+hearers should all take their <em>leaves</em>!</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>AN UNDIVIDED MOIETY.</h3>
+<p>The <em>Herald</em> gives an account of two persons who were
+carried off suddenly at Lancaster by a paralytic attack
+<em>each</em>. We should have been curious to know the result if,
+instead of an attack <em>each</em>, they had had <em>one between
+them</em>.</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page206" name="page206"></a>[pg
+206]</span>
+<h2>THE HEIR OF APPLEBITE.</h2>
+<h3>CHAPTER IX.</h3>
+<h4>SHOWS THAT DOCTORS DIFFER.</h4>
+<div class="dropcap"><a href="images/018-01.png"><img src=
+"images/018-01.png" alt=
+"A large letter H with flowering vines twining it." id="img018-01"
+name="img018-01" width="100%" /></a></div>
+<p><span class="hide">H</span>aving christened his child, Agamemnon
+felt it to be his bounden duty to have him vaccinated; but his
+wife&rsquo;s mother, with a perversity strongly characteristic of
+the <em>genus</em>, strenuously opposed Dr. Jenner&rsquo;s plan of
+repealing the small pox<sup>1</sup><span class="sidenote">1.
+Baylis.</span>, and insisted upon having him inoculated. Poor Mrs.
+Applebite was sorely perplexed between her habitual reverence for
+the opinions of her mama and the dread which she naturally felt of
+converting the face of the infant heir into a plum-pudding.
+Agamemnon had evidently determined to be positive upon this point,
+and all that could be extracted from him was the one
+word&mdash;vaccination!</p>
+<p>To which Mrs. Waddledot replied,</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Vaccination, indeed!&mdash;as though the child were a
+calf! I&rsquo;m sure and certain that the extreme dulness of young
+people of the present day is entirely owing to vaccination&mdash;it
+imbues them with a very stupid portion of the animal
+economy.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>As Agamemnon could not understand her, he again
+ejaculated&mdash;&ldquo;Vaccination!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;But, my dear,&rdquo; rejoined Mrs. Applebite, &ldquo;Mama
+has had so much experience that her opinion is worth listening to;
+I know that you give the preference to&mdash;&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Vaccination!&rdquo; interrupted Collumpsion.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;And so do I; but we have heard of grown-up
+people&mdash;who had always considered themselves
+secure&mdash;taking the small pox, dear.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;To be sure we have,&rdquo; chimed in Mrs. Waddledot;
+&ldquo;and it&rsquo;s a very dreadful thing, after indulgent and
+tender parents have been at the expense of nursing, clothing,
+physicking, teaching music, dancing, Italian, French, geography,
+drawing, and the use of the globes, to a child, to have it carried
+off because a misguided fondness has insisted
+upon&mdash;&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Vaccination!&rdquo; shouted <em>pater</em>
+Collumpsion.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Exactly!&rdquo; continued the &ldquo;wife&rsquo;s
+mother.&rdquo; &ldquo;Now inoculate at once, say I, before the
+child&rsquo;s short-coated.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Agamemnon rose from his seat, and advancing deliberately and
+solemnly to the table at which his wife and his wife&rsquo;s mother
+were seated, he slowly raised his dexter arm above his head, and
+then, having converted his hand into a fist, he dashed his
+contracted digitals upon the rosewood as though he dared not trust
+himself with more than one word, and that one
+was&mdash;&ldquo;Vaccination!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Mrs. Waddledot&rsquo;s first impulse was to jump out of her
+turban, in which she would have succeeded had not the mystic rolls
+of gauze which constituted that elaborate head-dress been securely
+attached to the chestnut &ldquo;front&rdquo; with which she had
+sought for some years to cheat the world into a forgetfulness of
+her nativity.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I was warned of this! I was warned of this!&rdquo;
+exclaimed the disarranged woman, as soon as she obtained breath
+enough for utterance. &ldquo;But I wouldn&rsquo;t believe it. I was
+told that the member for Puddingbury had driven one wife to her
+grave and the other to drinking.&mdash;I was told that it would run
+in the family, and that Mr. <em>A.C.</em> Applebite would be no
+better than Mr. I. Applebite!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Oh! Mama&mdash;you really wrong Aggy,&rdquo; exclaimed
+Theresa.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;It&rsquo;s lucky for you that you think so, my dear. If
+ever there was an ill-used woman, you are that unhappy individual.
+Oh, that ever&mdash;I&mdash;should live&mdash;to see a child of
+mine&mdash;have a child of hers vaccinated against her wish!&rdquo;
+and here Mrs. Waddledot (as it is emphatically styled) burst into
+tears; not that we mean to imply that she was converted into an
+explosive <em>jet d&rsquo;eau</em>, but we mean that
+she&mdash;she&mdash;what shall we say?&mdash;she blubbered.</p>
+<p>It is really surprising how very sympathetic women are on all
+occasions of weeping, scolding, and scandalising; and accordingly
+Mrs. Applebite &ldquo;opened the fountains of her eyes,&rdquo; and
+roared in concert with her mama.</p>
+<p>Agamemnon felt that he was an injured man&mdash;injured in the
+tenderest point&mdash;his character for connubial kindness; and he
+secretly did what many husbands have done openly&mdash;he consigned
+Mrs. Waddledot to the gentleman who is always represented as very
+black, because where he resides there is no water to wash with.</p>
+<p>At this agonising moment Uncle Peter made his appearance; and as
+actors always play best to a good audience, the weeping ladies
+continued their lachrymose performance with renewed vigour. Uncle
+Peter was a plain man&mdash;plain in every meaning of the word;
+that is to say, he was very ugly and very simple; and when we tell
+you that his face resembled nothing but a half-toasted muffin, you
+can picture to yourself what it must have looked like under the
+influence of surprise; but nevertheless, both Agamemnon and the
+ladies simultaneously determined to make him the arbitrator in this
+very important matter.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Uncle Peter,&rdquo; said Agamemnon.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Brother Peter,&rdquo; sobbed Mrs. Waddledot.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Which are you an advocate for?&rdquo; hystericised Mrs.
+Applebite.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Vaccination or inoculation?&rdquo; exclaimed everybody
+<em>ensemble</em>.</p>
+<p>Now whether Uncle John did clearly understand the drift of the
+question put to him, or whether he conceived that he was solicited
+to be the subject of some benevolent experiments for the advantage
+of future generations, it is certain that no man ever looked more
+positively</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/018-02.png"><img src=
+"images/018-02.png" alt=
+"A man sits hooked on the crescent of the moon and waves at a passing balloon."
+id="img018-02" name="img018-02" width="50%" /></a>
+<p>ON THE HORN OF A DILEMMA</p>
+</div>
+<p>than Uncle Peter. At length the true state of the case was made
+apparent to him; and the conclusion that he arrived at reflects the
+greatest possible credit upon his judgment. He decided, that as the
+child was a divided property, for the sake of peace and quietness,
+the heir of Applebite should be vaccinated in one arm and
+inoculated in the other.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>FALSE ALARM.</h3>
+<p>We were paralysed the other day at seeing a paragraph headed
+&ldquo;Sibthorpe&rsquo;s conversion.&rdquo; Our nose grew pale with
+terror; our hump heaved with agitation. We thought there existed a
+greater genius than ourselves and that some one had discovered that
+Sibthorp could be converted into anything but a Member for Lincoln,
+and buffoon-in-waiting to the House of Commons. We found, however,
+that it alluded to a Reverend, and not to OUR Colonel. Really the
+newspaper people should be more careful. Such startling
+announcements are little better than</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/018-03.png"><img src=
+"images/018-03.png" alt="A jester cuts the tail off of a dog." id=
+"img018-03" name="img018-03" width="90%" /></a>
+<p>SHEE(A)R CRUELTY.</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>DOING THE STATE SOME SERVICE.</h3>
+<p>During the conflagration of the Tower, it was apprehended at one
+time that the portion of it called the White Tower would have
+shared the fate of the grand store-house,&mdash;this was however
+prevented by hanging <em>wet blankets</em> around it, in which
+capacity Peter Borthwick, Mr. Plumtre, Col. Percival, and Lord
+Castlereagh, kindly offered their personal services and were found
+admirably adapted for the purpose.</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page207" name="page207"></a>[pg
+207]</span>
+<h2>THE GENTLEMAN&rsquo;S OWN BOOK.</h2>
+<p>We will now proceed to the consideration of that indispensable
+adjunct to a real gentleman&mdash;his purse. This little talisman,
+though of so much real importance, is very limited in the materials
+of its formation, being confined exclusively to silk. It should
+generally be of net work, very sparingly powdered with small beads,
+and of the most delicate colours, such conveying the idea that the
+fairy fingers of some beauteous friend had wove the tiny treasury.
+We have seen some of party colours, intended thereby to distinguish
+the separate depository of the gold and silver coin with which it
+is (presumed) to be stored. This arrangement we repudiate; for a
+true gentleman should always appear indifferent to the value of
+money, and affect at least an equal contempt for a sovereign as a
+shilling. We prefer having the meshes of the purse rather large
+than otherwise, as whenever it is necessary&mdash;mind, we say
+necessary&mdash;to exhibit it, the glittering contents shining
+through the interstices are never an unpleasing object of
+contemplation.</p>
+<p>The purse should be used at the card-table; but never produced
+unless you are called upon as a loser to <em>pay</em>. It may then
+be resorted to with an air of <em>nonchalance;</em> and when the
+demand upon it has been honoured, it should be thrown carelessly
+upon the table, as though to indicate your <em>almost</em> anxiety
+to make a further sacrifice of its contents. Should you, however,
+be a winner, any exhibition of the purse might be construed into an
+unseemly desire of &ldquo;welling,&rdquo; or securing your gains,
+which of course must always be a matter of perfect indifference to
+you; and whatever advantages you obtain from chance or skill should
+be made obvious to every one are only destined to enrich your
+valet, or be beneficially expended in the refreshment of cabmen and
+ladies of faded virtue. In order to convey these intentions more
+conspicuously, should the result of an evening be in your favour,
+your winnings should be consigned to your waistcoat pocket; and if
+you have any particular desire to heighten the effect, a piece of
+moderate value may be left on the table.</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/018-04.png"><img src=
+"images/018-04.png" alt=
+"A horse throws a man into the roof of a house." id="img018-04"
+name="img018-04" width="80%" /></a>
+<p>A GENTLEMAN TAKING A FIRST FLOOR</p>
+</div>
+<p>cannot do better than find an excuse for a recurrence to his
+purse; and then the partial exhibition of the coin alluded to above
+will be found to be productive of a feeling most decidedly
+confirmatory in the mind of the landlady that you are a true
+gentleman.</p>
+<p>The same cause will produce the same effect with a tradesman
+whose album&mdash;we beg pardon, whose ledger&mdash;you intend
+honouring with your name.</p>
+<p>You should never display your purse to a poor friend or
+dependant, or the sight of it might not only stimulate their
+cupidity, or raise their expectations to an inordinate height, but
+prevent you from escaping with a moderate <em>douceur</em> by
+&ldquo;the kind manner in which you slipped a sovereign into their
+hand at parting.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>A servant should never be rewarded from a purse; it makes the
+fellows discontented; for if they see gold, they are never
+satisfied with a shilling and &ldquo;I must see what can be done
+for you, James.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Should you be fortunate enough to break a policeman&rsquo;s
+head, or drive over an old woman, you will find that your purse
+will not only add to the <em>&eacute;clat</em> of the transaction,
+but most materially assist the magistrate before whom you may be
+taken in determining that the case is very trifling, and that a
+fine of 5s. will amply excuse you from the effects of that polite
+epidemic known <em>vulgo</em> as drunkenness. There cannot be a
+greater proof of the advantages of a purse than the preceding
+instance, for we have known numerous cases in which the symptoms
+have been precisely the same, but the treatment diametrically
+opposite, owing to the absence of that incontrovertible evidence to
+character&mdash;the purse.</p>
+<p>None but a <em>parvenu</em> would carry his money loose; and we
+know of nothing more certain to ensure an early delivery of your
+small account than being detected by a creditor in the act of
+hunting a sovereign into the corner of your pocket.</p>
+<p>We have known tailors, bootmakers, hatters, hosiers,
+livery-stable-keepers, &amp;c., grow remarkably noisy when refused
+assistance to meet heavy payments, which are continually coming due
+at most inconvenient seasons; and when repeated denials have failed
+to silence them, the <em>exhibition only</em> of the purse has
+procured the desired effect,&mdash;we presume, by inspiring the
+idea that you have the means to pay, but are eccentric in your
+views of credit&mdash;thus producing with the most importunate
+dun</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/018-05.png"><img src=
+"images/018-05.png" alt="A gentleman's queue is burning." id=
+"img018-05" name="img018-05" width="50%" /></a>
+<p>A BRILLIANT TERMINATION.</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>TREMENDOUS FAILURE.</h3>
+<p>The Editors present their compliments to their innumerable
+subscribers, and beg to say that, being particularly hard up for a
+joke, they trust that they will accept of the following as an
+evidence of</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/018-06.png"><img src=
+"images/018-06.png" alt=
+"Girls stand under a sign 'Curds and Whey Sold Here' while a bowl pours onto them."
+id="img018-06" name="img018-06" width="50%" /></a>
+<p>GETTING UNDER WHEY.</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>A THOROUGH DRAUGHT.</h3>
+<p>The extreme proficiency displayed by certain parties in drawing
+spurious exchequer-bills has induced them to issue proposals for
+setting up an opposition exchequer office, where bills may be drawn
+on the shortest notice. As this establishment is to be cunningly
+united to the Art-Union in Somerset-House, the whole art of forgery
+may be there learned in six lessons. The manufacture of
+exchequer-bills will be carried on in every department, from
+printing the forms to imitating the signatures; in short, the whole
+art of</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/018-07.png"><img src=
+"images/018-07.png" alt=
+"A man pulls on a horse drawing a cart full of people." id=
+"img018-07" name="img018-07" width="90%" /></a>
+<p>DRAWING TAUGHT.</p>
+</div>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page208" name="page208"></a>[pg
+208]</span>
+<h2>THE O&rsquo;CONNELL PAPERS.</h2>
+<h4>OUR EXTRAORDINARY AND EXCLUSIVE CORRESPONDENCE.</h4>
+<p>We have been favoured by the transmission of the following
+singular correspondence by the new Mayor of Dublin&rsquo;s private
+secretary. We hasten to lay the interesting documents before our
+readers, though we must decline incurring the extreme
+responsibility of advising which offer it would be most
+advantageous for Mr. O&rsquo;Connell to accept.</p>
+<h4>LETTER I.</h4>
+<p>SIR,&mdash;I am requested by the management of the Royal Surrey
+Theatre to negotiate with you for a few nights&rsquo; performance
+in a local drama, which shall be written for the occasion, and in
+which you are requested to represent the Civic dignitary in the
+identical robes which have become immortalised by your wearing. Mr.
+Dibdin Pitt is of opinion that something might be done with
+&ldquo;Whittington and his Cat,&rdquo; merely transferring the
+scene from London to Dublin; and, as he hears your county is highly
+celebrated for the peculiar breed, sending to Ireland for one of
+the esteemed &ldquo;Kilkenny species,&rdquo; which would give a
+greater reality to the <em>dramatis person&aelig;</em> and feline
+adjunct. This is a mere suggestion, as any other subject you may
+prefer&mdash;such as the Rebellion of &rsquo;98, Donnybrook Fair,
+the Interior of the Irish Mansion House, or the House of Commons,
+can be rendered equally effective. I beg to call your attention to
+the fact that you shall have a clear stage and every advantage, as
+Mr. N.T. Hicks will be left out of the cast altogether, or else
+play a very small dumb villain; so that you need not fear losing
+your oratorical reputation by being out-shouted. Should you feel
+disposed to accept the terms, one clear half the nightly receipt,
+pray forward an answer by return, that we may get out a woodcut of
+the small-clothes, and underline the identical stockings.</p>
+<p class="rgt">I have the honour to be,<br />
+Your obedient servant,<br />
+BEN. FAIRBROTHER.</p>
+<p><em>D. O&rsquo;Connell, Esq.</em></p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p class="rgt"><em>T. R. D. L.</em></p>
+<p>SIR,&mdash;The intense interest created in the bosoms of mankind
+in general by the graphic account of your splendid appearance and
+astounding performance of the arduous character of the Lord Mayor
+of Dublin, induces Mr. W.C. Macready to make you an offer of
+engagement for the performance of Shakspere&rsquo;s heroic
+functionary in the forthcoming revival of Richard the Third, which
+is about to be produced under his classic management at the Theatre
+Royal Drury-lane, Mr. W.C. Macready offers to replace the breeches
+if cracked in stooping; also, to guarantee a liberal allowance of
+hair-powder to fall from the wig, and make the usual effective and
+dignified huge point while the Mayor is bowing to the king. An
+early answer will oblige your obedient servant,</p>
+<p class="rgt">T. J. SERLE.</p>
+<p>P.S. Can you bring your own Aldermen, as we are anxious to do it
+with the</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/018-08.png"><img src=
+"images/018-08.png" alt="A silhouette of a man tugging on a horse."
+id="img018-08" name="img018-08" width="50%" /></a>
+<p>MAYOR (MARE) AND CORPORATION.</p>
+</div>
+<p>P.P.S.&mdash;Think of the fame and the twelve-sheet posters, and
+be moderate.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p class="rgt"><em>Theatre Royal, Adelphi.</em></p>
+<p>DEAR DAN,&mdash;The Adelphi is open to you and your robes.
+Couldn&rsquo;t we do something with a hero from Blarney, and let
+you be discovered licking the stone, amid tableaux, blue fire, and
+myriads of nymph-like Kate Kearneys? Or would you prefer an
+allegory, yourself a Merman, or the Genius of Ireland, distributing
+real whiskey-and-water from the tank, which shall be filled with
+grog for that purpose. Think it over.</p>
+<p class="rgt">Truly yours,<br />
+F. YATES.</p>
+<p><em>D. O&rsquo;Connell, Esq. &amp;c. &amp;c. &amp;c.</em></p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p class="rgt"><em>Theatre Royal, Haymarket.</em></p>
+<p>Mr. Webster presents his compliments to Daniel O&rsquo;Connell,
+Esq., Mayor and M.P., and begs to suggest, as the &ldquo;Rent
+Day&rdquo; was originally produced at his theatre, it will be an
+excellent field for any further dramatic attempt of Mr. D.
+O&rsquo;C. A line from Mr. D. O&rsquo;C. will induce Mr. B.W. to
+put the drama in rehearsal.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;<em>D. O&rsquo;Connell, Esq. &amp;c.
+&amp;c.</em>&rdquo;</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p class="rgt"><em>Royal Victoria.</em></p>
+<p>SIR,&mdash;As sole lessee of the Royal Victoria I shall be happy
+to engage you to appear in costume, in the Mayor of Garratt, or,
+for the sake of the name Mayor, any other Mayor you like. If you
+think all the old ones too stupid, we can look upon something new,
+and preserve the title. You shall be supported by Miss Vincent and
+Susan Hopley, with two murders by Messrs. Dale and Saville in the
+after-piece. Awaiting your reply, I remain</p>
+<p class="rgt">Your obedient servant,<br />
+D.W. OSBALDISTON.</p>
+<p><em>D. O&rsquo;Connell, Esq.</em></p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p class="rgt"><em>Royal Pavilion Theatre.</em></p>
+<p>SIR,&mdash;If you mean to come on the stage, come to me. I know
+what suits the public. If you can&rsquo;t come yourself, send your
+cocked hat, and Mrs. Denvil shall dramatise it. We have a carpenter
+of your name; we can gag him and gammon the public, as
+follows:&mdash;</p>
+<h4>IMMENSE ATTRACTION!</h4>
+<h6>SCENERY MOVED BY</h6>
+<h4>O&rsquo;CONNELL;</h4>
+<h6>FIRST APPEARANCE OF THE</h6>
+<h4>GREAT AGITATOR!!!</h4>
+<h5>&ldquo;REAL COCKED HAT.&rdquo;</h5>
+<p class="rgt">Yours, &amp;c.<br />
+HY. DENVIL.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p class="rgt"><em>Garrick Theatre.</em></p>
+<p>SIR,&mdash;We should be proud to avail ourselves of your
+professional services to do a little in the domestic and appalling
+murder line; but our forte is ballet or pantomime; perhaps, as you
+have your own silk tights, the latter department might suit you
+best. Our artist is considered very great, and shall convert our
+&ldquo;Jim Along Josey&rdquo; wood-cuts into your portrait. We will
+also pledge ourselves to procure an illuminated cocked hat. An
+early answer, stating terms, will oblige</p>
+<p class="rgt">Your obedient Servants,<br />
+GOMERSAL AND CONQUEST.</p>
+<p><em>D. O&rsquo;Connell, Esq.</em></p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p class="rgt"><em>T.R. Sadler&rsquo;s Wells.</em></p>
+<p>SIR,&mdash;Understanding you are about to figure publicly and
+professionally in London, may I draw your attention to my unique
+establishment. I can offer you an excellent engagement as the
+figure-head of a vessel about to be produced in a new nautical
+drama. It is at present called &ldquo;The Shark and the
+Alligator,&rdquo; but may be altered with equal effect to
+&ldquo;The Mayor and the Agitator.&rdquo; Begging a reply,</p>
+<p class="rgt">I remain, Sir,<br />
+Your&rsquo;s obediently,<br />
+ROBERT HONNER.</p>
+<p><em>D. O&rsquo;Connell, Esq.</em></p>
+<p>P.S. Do you do anything in the hornpipe line?</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>A P&AElig;AN FOR DAN.</h3>
+<h4>BY ONE OF THE &ldquo;FINEST PISANTRY IN THE WORLD.&rdquo;</h4>
+<p>We have received the following genuine &ldquo;Irish
+version&rdquo; of a scene from and for the times, from our own
+peculiar and poetic correspondent:&mdash;</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i4">&ldquo;DEAR PUNCH,&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i8">I beg pardon that yoursilf I&rsquo;m now
+troublin,</p>
+<p>But I must let you know what I just seen in Dublin;</p>
+<p>There Daniel O&rsquo;Connell,&mdash;Mayor and great
+agitator,&mdash;</p>
+<p>Has been making a Judy of himself, the poor unhappy cratur.</p>
+<p>At his time of life, too! tare and ounds its mighty
+shocking!</p>
+<p>He shoved ach of his big legs into a span bran new silk
+stocking:</p>
+<p>How the divil them calves by any manes was thrust in,</p>
+<p>Is a mistery to ev&rsquo;ry one, without them black silks
+busting.</p>
+<p>And instead of a dacent trousers hanging to his suspenders,</p>
+<p>He has button&rsquo;d-up one-half of him in a pair of short
+knee-enders.</p>
+<p>Now, Punch, on your oath, did you ever hear the likes o&rsquo;
+that?</p>
+<p>But oh, houly Paul, if you only seen his big cock&rsquo;d
+hat,</p>
+<p>Stuck up on the top of his jazy;&mdash;a mighty illegant
+thatch,</p>
+<p>With hair like young Deaf Burke&rsquo;s, all rushing up to the
+scratch,</p>
+<p>You must have been divarted; and, Jewil, then he wore</p>
+<p>A thund&rsquo;ring big Taglioni-cut purple velvet
+<em>roquelore</em>.</p>
+<p>And who but Misther Dan cut it fat in all his pride,</p>
+<p>Cover&rsquo;d over with white favors, like a gentle blushing
+bride;</p>
+<p>And wasn&rsquo;t he follow&rsquo;d by all the blackguards for
+his tail,</p>
+<p>Shouting out for their lives, &lsquo;Success to Dan
+O&rsquo;Connell and Rapale.&rsquo;</p>
+<p>But the Old Corporation has behaved mighty low and mane,</p>
+<p>As they wouldn&rsquo;t lend him the loan of the ancient raal
+goold chain,</p>
+<p>Nor the collar; as they said they thought (divil burn
+&rsquo;em),</p>
+<p>If they&rsquo;d done so, it was probable Dan never would return
+&rsquo;em.</p>
+<p>But, good-bye, I must be off,&mdash;he&rsquo;s gone to take the
+chair!</p>
+<p>So my love to Mrs. Punch, and no more about the
+Mayor.&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page209" name="page209"></a>[pg
+209]</span>
+<h2>PUNCH&rsquo;S P&AElig;AN TO THE PRINCELET.</h2>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Huzza! we&rsquo;ve a little prince at last,</p>
+<p class="i2">A roaring Royal boy;</p>
+<p>And all day long the booming bells</p>
+<p class="i2">Have rung their peals of joy.</p>
+<p>And the little park-guns have blazed away,</p>
+<p class="i2">And made a tremendous noise,</p>
+<p>Whilst the air hath been fill&rsquo;d since eleven
+o&rsquo;clock</p>
+<p class="i2">With the shouts of little boys;</p>
+<p>And we have taken our little bell,</p>
+<p>And rattled and laugh&rsquo;d, and sang as well,</p>
+<p class="i4">Roo-too-tooit! Shallabella!</p>
+<p class="i4">Life to the Prince! Fallalderalla!</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Our little Prince will be daintily swathed,</p>
+<p class="i2">And laid on a bed of down,</p>
+<p>Whilst his cradle will stand &rsquo;neath a canopy</p>
+<p class="i2">That is deck&rsquo;d with a golden crown.</p>
+<p>O, we trust when his Queenly Mother sees</p>
+<p class="i2">Her Princely boy at rest,</p>
+<p>She will think of the helpless pauper babe</p>
+<p class="i2">That lies at a milkless breast!</p>
+<p>And then we will rattle our little bell.</p>
+<p>And shout and laugh, and sing as well&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i4">Roo-too-tooit! Shallabella!</p>
+<p class="i4">Life to the Prince! Fallalderalla!</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Our little Prince, we have not a doubt,</p>
+<p class="i2">Has set up a little cry;</p>
+<p>But a dozen sweet voices were there to soothe,</p>
+<p class="i2">And sing him a lullaby.</p>
+<p>We wonder much if a voice so small</p>
+<p class="i2">Could reach our loved Monarch&rsquo;s ear;</p>
+<p>If so, she said &ldquo;God bless the poor!</p>
+<p class="i2">Who cry and have no one near.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>So then we will rattle our little bell,</p>
+<p>And shout and laugh, and sing as well&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i4">Roo-too-tooit! Shallabella!</p>
+<p class="i4">Life to the Prince! Fallalderalla!</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Our little Prince (though he heard them not)</p>
+<p class="i2">Hath been greeted with honied words,</p>
+<p>And his cheeks have been fondled to win a smile</p>
+<p class="i2">By the Privy Council Lords.</p>
+<p>Will he trust the &ldquo;charmer&rdquo; in after years,</p>
+<p class="i2">And deem he is more than man?</p>
+<p>Or will he feel that he&rsquo;s but a speck</p>
+<p class="i2">In creation&rsquo;s mighty plan?</p>
+<p>Let us hope the best, and rattle our bell,</p>
+<p>And shout and laugh, and sing as well&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i4">Roo-too-tooit! Shallabella!</p>
+<p class="i4">Life to the Prince! Fallalderalla!</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Our little Prince, when be grows a boy,</p>
+<p class="i2">Will be taught by men of lore,</p>
+<p>From the &ldquo;dusty tome&rdquo; of the ancient sage,</p>
+<p class="i2">As Kings have been taught before.</p>
+<p>But will there be <em>one</em> good, true man near,</p>
+<p class="i2">To tutor the infant heart?</p>
+<p>To tell him the world was made for all,</p>
+<p class="i2">And the poor man claims his part?</p>
+<p>We trust there will; so we&rsquo;ll rattle our bell,</p>
+<p>And shout and laugh, and sing as well&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i4">Roo-too-tooit! Shallabella!</p>
+<p class="i4">Life to the Prince! Fallalderalla!</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>A CON-CONSTITUTIONAL.</h3>
+<p>Why is the little Prince of Wales like the 11th
+Hussars?&mdash;Because it is Prince Albert&rsquo;s own.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>HARD TO REMEMBER.</h3>
+<p>Lord Monteagle, on being shown one of the Exchequer Bills,
+supposed to have been forged, declared that he did not know if the
+signature attached to it was his handwriting or not. We do not feel
+surprised at this&mdash;his Lordship has put his hand to so many
+jobs that it would be impossible he could remember every one of
+them.</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<h2>THE CROPS.</h2>
+<p>A most unfounded report of the approaching demise of Colonel
+Sibthorp reached town early last week. Our Leicester correspondent
+has, however, furnished us with the following correct particulars,
+which will be read with pleasure by those interested in the
+luxuriant state of the gallant orator&rsquo;s crops. The truth is,
+he was seen to enter a hair-dresser&rsquo;s shop, and it got about
+amongst the breathless crowd which soon collected, that the
+imposing <em>toup&eacute;e</em>, the enchanting whiskers that are
+the pride of the county, were to be cropped! This mistake was
+unhappily removed to give place to a more fatal one; for instead of
+submitting to the shears, the venerable joker bought a paper of
+<em>poudre unique</em>, from which arose the appalling report that
+he was about to <em>dye</em>!</p>
+<p>Our kind friend the indefatigable &ldquo;correspondent&rdquo; of
+the <em>Observer</em>, informs us from authority upon which every
+reliance may be placed, that Mr. Grant, the indefatigable statist
+and author of &ldquo;Lights and Shadows of London Life,&rdquo; is
+now patiently engaged in researches of overwhelming importance to
+the public. He will, in his next edition of the above-named work,
+be enabled to state from personal inquiry, how many ladies residing
+within a circuit of ten miles round London wear false fronts, with
+the colours respectively of their real and their artificial hair,
+together with the number of times per year the latter are dressed.
+Besides this, this untiring author has called at every
+hairdresser&rsquo;s in the London Directory, to ascertain the
+number of times per quarter each customer has his hair cut, with
+the quantity and length denuded. From these materials a result will
+be drawn up, showing the average duration of crops; and also how
+far the hair-cuttings of every day in London would reach, if each
+hair were joined together and placed somewhere, so as to
+go&mdash;when enough is collected&mdash;round the world.</p>
+<p>The <em>Morning Herald</em> of Monday informs us, that the King
+of Hanover has passed a law to regulate the crops not only of the
+army, but of those in the civil employ of government. The
+moustaches of the former are to be, we hear, exact copies of those
+sported by Muntz. The hair is to be cut close, so as to be woven
+into regulation whiskers for those to whom nature has denied them.
+The pattern whisker was lately submitted by Mr. Truefit, who is to
+be the army contractor for the same. It curls over the cheek, and
+meets the moustaches at the corners of the mouth.</p>
+<p>In consequence of this measure, large sales in bear&rsquo;s
+grease were made by the Russian merchants on &lsquo;Change
+yesterday for the German markets. A consequent rise in this species
+of manure took place; this will, it is feared, have a bad effect
+upon the British crops, which have already assumed a dry and
+languid appearance.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>ELIGIBLE INVESTMENTS!&mdash;SPLENDID
+OPPORTUNITY!&mdash;UNRIVALLED BARGAINS!</h3>
+<h4>EXTRAORDINARY SALE OF UNREDEEMED PLEDGES.</h4>
+<p>MESSRS. MACHIN and DEBENHAM respectfully inform the particularly
+curious, and the public in general, they have the honor to announce
+the unreserved sale of the following particularly and
+unprecedentedly attractive Unredeemed Pledges.</p>
+<p>N.B.&mdash;The auction duty to be paid by the
+purchasers,&mdash;if not, the inmates of St. Luke&rsquo;s have
+offered to subscribe for their liquidation.</p>
+<h4>LOT I.</h4>
+<p>A perfect collection of the original speeches of Sir Francis
+Burdett&mdash;previous to his visit to the Tower; his fulminations
+issued from the same; and a catalogue of the <em>unredeemed</em>
+pledges made to the electors of Westminster, and originally taken
+in by them&mdash;a compliment very handsomely returned by the
+honourable Baronet, who kindly took his constituents in in return.
+Very curious, though much dogs-eared, thumbed, and as far as the
+author&rsquo;s name goes, totally erased.</p>
+<h4>LOT II.</h4>
+<p>A visionary pedigree and imaginative genealogical account of
+Roebuck&rsquo;s ancestors&mdash;commencing in the year 1801, and
+carefully brought down to the present time. Very elaborate, but
+rather doubtful.</p>
+<h4>LOT III.</h4>
+<p>A full account of Wakley&rsquo;s parliamentary ratting, or
+political felo-de-se; beautifully authenticated by his late
+Finsbury electors&mdash;with sundry cuts by his former friends.</p>
+<h4>LOT IV.</h4>
+<p>An extraordinary large batch of uncommonly cheap bread,
+manufactured by one John Russell. A beautiful electioneering and
+imaginative production, though now rather stale.</p>
+<h4>LOT V.</h4>
+<p>A future contract for the continuance of the poor-laws, and the
+right of pumps for the guardians to concoct the soup.</p>
+<p>N.B. Filters used if too strong.</p>
+<h4>LOT VI.</h4>
+<p>Daniel O&rsquo;Connell&rsquo;s opinions upon the repeal of the
+union, now that he is Lord Mayor of Dublin: to be sold without
+reserve to the highest bidder.</p>
+<p>The whole of the above are submitted to the public, in the
+sincere hope of their meeting purchasers&mdash;as the price is all
+that is wanting to ensure a <em>bon&acirc; fide</em> sale. No
+catalogues&mdash;no particulars&mdash;no guarantees&mdash;no
+deductions&mdash;and no money returned.</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page210" name="page210"></a>[pg
+210]</span>
+<h2>SIR PETER LAURIE ON HUMAN LIFE.</h2>
+<p>Sir PETER LAURIE has set his awful face against suicide! He will
+in no way &ldquo;encourage&rdquo; <em>felo-de-se</em>. Fatal as
+this aldermanic determination may be to the interests of the
+shareholders of Waterloo, Vauxhall, and Southwark Bridges, Sir
+PETER has resolved that no man&mdash;not even in the suicidal
+season of November&mdash;shall drown, hang, or otherwise destroy
+himself, under any pretence soever! Sir PETER, with a very proper
+admiration of the pleasures of life, philosophises with a full
+stomach on the ignorance and wickedness of empty-bellied humanity;
+and Mr. HOBLER&mdash;albeit in the present case the word is not
+reported&mdash;doubtless cried &ldquo;Amen!&rdquo; to the wisdom of
+the alderman. Sir PETER henceforth stands sentinel at the gate of
+death, and any hungry pauper who shall recklessly attempt to touch
+the knocker, will be sentenced to &ldquo;the treadmill for a month
+as a rogue and vagabond!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>One <em>William Simmons</em>, a starving tailor, in a perishing
+condition, attempts to cut his throat. He inflicts upon himself a
+wound which, &ldquo;under the immediate assistance of the surgeon
+of the Compter,&rdquo; is soon healed; and the offender being
+convalescent, is doomed to undergo the cutting wisdom of Sir PETER
+LAURIE. Hear the alderman &ldquo;Don&rsquo;t you know <em>that that
+sort</em> of murder (suicide) <em>is as bad as any
+other?</em>&rdquo; If such be the case&mdash;and we would as soon
+doubt the testimony of Balaam&rsquo;s quadruped as Sir
+PETER&mdash;we can only say, that the law has most shamefully
+neglected to provide a sufficing punishment for the enormity. Sir
+PETER speaks with the humility of true wisdom, or he would never
+have valued his own throat for instance&mdash;that throat enriched
+by rivulets of turtle soup, by streams of city wine and city
+gravies&mdash;at no more than the throat of a hungry tailor. There
+never in our opinion was a greater discrepancy of windpipe. Sir
+PETER&rsquo;S throat is the organ of wisdom&mdash;whilst the
+tailor&rsquo;s throat, by the very fact of his utter want of food,
+is to him an annoying superfluity. And yet, says Sir PETER by
+inference, &ldquo;It is <em>as bad</em>, William Simmons, to cut
+your own throat, as to cut mine!&rdquo; If true Modesty have left
+other public bodies, certainly she is to be found in the court of
+aldermen.</p>
+<p>Sir PETER proceeds to discourse of the mysteries of life and
+death in a manner that shows that the executions of his shrievalty
+were not lost upon his comprehensive spirit. Suicides, however,
+have engaged his special consideration; for he says&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>&ldquo;Suicides and attempts, or apparent attempts, to commit
+suicide, very much increase, I regret to say. <em>I know that a
+morbid humanity exists</em>, and does much mischief as regards the
+practice. <em>I shall not encourage attempts of the kind</em>, but
+shall punish them; and I sentence you to the treadmill for a month,
+as a rogue and vagabond. I shall look <em>very narrowly at the
+cases</em> of persons brought before me on such charges.&rdquo;</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>Sir PETER has, very justly, no compassion for the famishing
+wretch stung and goaded &ldquo;to jump the life to come.&rdquo; Why
+should he? Sir PETER is of that happy class of men who have found
+this life too good a thing to leave. &ldquo;They call this world a
+bad world,&rdquo; says ROTHSCHILD on a certain occasion; &ldquo;for
+my part, I do not know of a better.&rdquo; And ROTHSCHILD was even
+a greater authority than Sir PETER LAURIE on the paradise of
+<em>&pound; s. d.</em></p>
+<p>The vice of the day&mdash;&ldquo;a morbid humanity&rdquo;
+towards the would-be suicide&mdash;is, happily, doomed. Sir PETER
+LAURIE refuses to patronise any effort at self-slaughter; and,
+moreover, threatens to &ldquo;look very narrowly at the
+cases&rdquo; of those despairing fools who may be caught in the
+attempt. It would here be well for Sir PETER to inform the suicidal
+part of the public what amount of desperation is likely to satisfy
+him as to the genuineness of the misery suffered. <em>William
+Simmons</em> cuts a gash in his throat; the Alderman is not
+satisfied with this, but having looked very narrowly into the
+wound, declares it to be a proper case for the treadmill. We can
+well believe that an impostor trading on the morbid humanity of the
+times&mdash;and there is a greater stroke of business done in the
+article than even the sagacity of a LAURIE can imagine&mdash;may,
+in this cold weather, venture an immersion in the Thames or
+Serpentine, making the plunge with a declaratory scream, the better
+to extract practical compassion from the pockets of a morbidly
+humane society; we can believe this, Sir PETER, and feel no more
+for the trickster than if our heart were made of the best contract
+saddle-leather; but we confess a cut-throat staggers us; we fear,
+with all our caution, we should be converted to a belief in misery
+by a gash near the windpipe. Sir PETER, however, with his enlarged
+mind, professes himself determined to probe the wound&mdash;to look
+narrowly into its depth, breadth, and length, and to prescribe the
+treadmill, according to the condition of the patient! Had the
+cautious Sir PETER been in the kilt of his countryman
+<em>Macbeth</em>, he would never have exhibited an &ldquo;admired
+disorder&rdquo; on the appearance of <em>Banquo</em> with his
+larynx severed in two; not he&mdash;he would have called the wound
+a slight scratch, having narrowly looked into it, and immediately
+ordered the ghost to the guard-house.</p>
+<p>The Duke of WELLINGTON, who has probably seen as many wounds as
+Sir PETER LAURIE, judging the case, would, by his own admission,
+have inflicted the same sentence upon the tailor <em>Simmons</em>
+as that fulminated by the Alderman. ARTHUR and PETER would,
+doubtless, have been of one accord, <em>Simmons</em> avowed himself
+to be starving. Now, in this happy land&mdash;in this better
+Arcadia&mdash;every man who wants food is proved by such want an
+idler or a drunkard. The victor of Waterloo&mdash;the tutelary
+wisdom of England&rsquo;s counsels&mdash;has, in the solemnity of
+his Parliamentary authority, declared as much. Therefore it is most
+right that the lazy, profligate tailor, with a scar in his throat,
+should mount the revolving wheel for one month, to meditate upon
+the wisdom of Dukes and the judgments of Aldermen!</p>
+<p>We no more thought of dedicating a whole page to one Sir PETER
+LAURIE, than the zoological Mr. CROSS would think of devoting an
+acre of his gardens to one ass, simply because it happened to be
+the largest known specimen of the species. But, without knowing it,
+Sir PETER has given a fine illustration of the besetting
+selfishness of the times. Had LAURIE been born to hide his ears in
+a coronet, he could not have more strongly displayed the social
+insensibility of the day. The prosperous saddler, and the wretched,
+woe-begone tailor, are admirable types of the giant arrogance that
+dominates&mdash;of the misery that suffers.</p>
+<p>There is nothing more talked of with less consideration of its
+meaning and relative value than&mdash;Life. Has it not a thousand
+different definitions? Is it the same thing to two different
+men?</p>
+<p>Ask the man of independent wealth and sound body to paint Life,
+and what a very pretty picture he will lay before you. He lives in
+another world&mdash;has, as <em>Sir Anthony Absolute</em> says, a
+sun and moon of his own&mdash;a realm of fairies, with attending
+sprites to perform his every compassable wish. To him life is a
+most musical monosyllable; making his heart dance, and thrilling
+every nerve with its so-potent harmony. Life&mdash;but especially
+his life&mdash;is, indeed, a sacred thing to him; and loud and deep
+are his praises of its miracles. Like the departed ROTHSCHILD,
+&ldquo;he does not know a better;&rdquo; certain we are, he is in
+no indecent haste to seek it.</p>
+<p>Demand of the prosperous man of trade&mdash;of the man of funds,
+and houses, and land, acquired by successful projects&mdash;what is
+Life? He will try to call up a philosophic look, and passing his
+chin through his hand&mdash;(there is a brilliant on his little
+finger worth at least fifty guineas)&mdash;he will answer,
+&ldquo;Life, sir&mdash;Life has its ups and downs; but taken
+altogether, for my part, I think a man a great sinner, a very great
+sinner, who doesn&rsquo;t look upon life as a very pretty thing.
+But don&rsquo;t let&rsquo;s talk of such dry stuff&mdash;take off
+your glass&mdash;hang it!&mdash;no heel-taps.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Ask another, whose whole soul, like a Ready Reckoner, is
+composed of figures,&mdash;what is Life? He, perhaps, will answer,
+&ldquo;Why, sir, Life&mdash;if you insure at our office&mdash;is
+worth more than at any other establishment. We divide profits, and
+the rate of insurance decreases in proportion,&rdquo; &amp;c.
+&amp;c.; and thus you will have Life valued, by the man who sees
+nothing in it but a privilege to get money, as the merest article
+of commercial stock.</p>
+<p>Inquire of many an Alderman what is Life? He will tell you that
+it is a fine, dignified, full-bellied, purple-faced creature, in a
+furred and violet-coloured gown. &ldquo;Life,&rdquo; he will say,
+&ldquo;always has its pleasures; but its day of great delight is
+the Ninth of November. Life, however, is especially agreeable in
+swan-hopping season, when white-bait abounds at Blackwall and
+Greenwich, and when the Lord Mayor gives his Easter-ball; and
+&lsquo;keeps up the hospitalities of his high office.&rsquo;&rdquo;
+Not, however, that life is without its graver duties&mdash;its
+religious observations. Oh, no! it is the duty of well-to-do Life
+to punish starving men for forgetting its surpassing
+loveliness&mdash;it is a high obligation of Life to go to church in
+a carriage, and confess itself a miserable sinner&mdash;it is the
+duty of Life to read its bible; and then the Alderman, to show that
+he is well versed in the volume, quotes a passage&mdash;&ldquo;when
+the voice of the turtle is heard in the land.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Now ask the Paisley weaver what is Life? Bid the famine-stricken
+multitudes of Bolton to describe with their white lips the
+surpassing beauty of human existence. Can it be possible that the
+glorious presence&mdash;the beneficent genius that casts its
+blessings in the paths of other men&mdash;is such an ogre, a fiend,
+to the poor? Alas! is he not a daily tyrant, scourging with meanest
+wants&mdash;a creature that, with all its bounty to others, is to
+the poor and destitute more terrible than Death? Let Comfort paint
+a portrait of Life, and now Penury take the pencil. &ldquo;Pooh!
+pooh!&rdquo; cry the sage LAURIES of the world, looking at the two
+pictures&mdash;&ldquo;that scoundrel Penury has drawn an infamous
+libel. <em>That</em> Life! with that withered face, sunken eye, and
+shrivelled lip; and what is worse, with a suicidal scar in its
+throat! <em>That</em> Life! The painter Penury is committed for a
+month as a rogue and vagabond. We shall look very narrowly into
+these cases.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>We agree with the profound Sir PETER LAURIE that it is a most
+wicked, a most foolish act of the poor man to end his misery by
+suicide. But we think there is a better remedy for such desperation
+than the tread-mill. The surest way for the rich and powerful of
+the world to make the poor man more careful of his life is to
+render it of greater value to him.</p>
+<p class="rgt">Q.</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page211" name="page211"></a>[pg
+211]</span>
+<h2>PUNCH&rsquo;S PENCILLINGS.&mdash;No. XVIII.</h2>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/018-09.png"><img src=
+"images/018-09.png" alt=
+"Several men in (female) theatrical costumes." id="img018-09" name=
+"img018-09" width="100%" /></a>
+<p>POLITICAL THEATRICALS EXTRAORDINARY.</p>
+<p>NORMA.</p>
+<table summary="Norma" style="width:77%;margin:auto;">
+<tr>
+<td>NORMA (the Deserted)</td>
+<td>LORD MELBOURNE.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>ADALGISA (the Seductive)</td>
+<td>SIR R. PEEL.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>POLLIO (the Faithless)</td>
+<td>MR. WAKLEY.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>CHILDREN</td>
+<td>MASTERS RUSSELL &amp; MORPETH.</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+</div>
+<!-- [pg 212] -->
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page213" name="page213"></a>[pg
+213]</span>
+<h2>THE PHYSIOLOGY OF THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT.</h2>
+<h3>7.&mdash;OF VARIOUS OTHER DIVERTING MATTERS CONNECTED WITH
+GRINDING.</h3>
+<div class="dropcap"><a href="images/018-10.png"><img src=
+"images/018-10.png" alt="A man carrying a load forms a letter F."
+id="img018-10" name="img018-10" width="100%" /></a></div>
+<p><span class="hide">F</span>rom experience we are aware that the
+invention of the useful species of phrenotypics, alluded to in our
+last chapter, does not rest with the grinder alone. We once knew a
+medical student (and many even now at the London hospitals will
+recollect his name without mentioning it), who, when he was
+grinding for the Hall, being naturally of a melodious and harmonic
+disposition, conceived the idea of learning the whole of his
+practice of physic by setting a description of the diseases to
+music. He had a song of some hundred and twenty verses, which he
+called &ldquo;The Poetry of Steggall&rsquo;s Manual;&rdquo; and
+this he put to the tune of the &ldquo;Good Old Days of Adam and
+Eve.&rdquo; We deeply lament that we cannot produce the whole of
+this lyrical pathological curiosity. Two verses, however, linger on
+our memory, and these we have written down, requesting that they
+may be said or sung to the air above-mentioned, and dedicating them
+to the gentlemen who are going up next Thursday evening. They
+relate to the symptoms, treatment, and causes of H&aelig;moptysis
+and H&aelig;matemesis; which terms respectively imply, for the
+benefit of the million unprofessional readers who weekly gasp for
+our fresh number, a spitting of blood from the lungs and a vomiting
+of ditto from the stomach. The song was composed of stanzas similar
+to those which follow, except the portion relating to <em>Diseases
+of the Brain</em>, which was more appropriately separated into the
+old English division of <em>Fyttes</em>.</p>
+<h4>H&AElig;MOPTYSIS.</h4>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>A sensation of weight and oppression at the chest, sirs;</p>
+<p>With tickling at the larynx, which scarcely gives you rest,
+sirs;</p>
+<p>Full hard pulse, salt taste, and tongue very white, sirs;</p>
+<p>And blood brought up in coughing, of colour very bright,
+sirs.</p>
+<p>It depends on causes three&mdash;the first&rsquo;s
+exhalation;</p>
+<p>The next a ruptured artery&mdash;the third, ulceration.</p>
+<p>In treatment we may bleed, keep the patient cool and quiet,</p>
+<p>Acid drinks, digitalis, and attend to a mild diet.</p>
+<p class="i6">Sing hey, sing ho, we do not grieve</p>
+<p class="i6">When this formidable illness takes its leave.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<h4>H&AElig;MATEMESIS.</h4>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Clotted blood is thrown up, in colour very black, sirs,</p>
+<p>And generally sudden, as it comes up in a crack, sirs.</p>
+<p>It&rsquo;s preceded at the stomach by a weighty sensation;</p>
+<p>But nothing appears ruptured upon examination.</p>
+<p>It differs from the last, by the particles thrown off, sirs,</p>
+<p>Being denser, deeper-coloured, and without a bit of cough,
+sirs.</p>
+<p>In plethoric habits bleed, and some acid draughts pour in,
+gents,</p>
+<p>With Oleum Terebinthin&aelig; (small doses) and astringents.</p>
+<p class="i6">Sing hey, sing ho; if you think the lesion
+spacious,</p>
+<p class="i6">The Acetate of Lead is found very efficacious.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p>Thus, in a few lines a great deal of valuable professional
+information is conveyed, at the same time that the tedium of much
+study is relieved by the harmony. If poetry is yet to be found in
+our hospitals&mdash;a queer place certainly for her to dwell,
+unless in her present feeble state the frequenters of Parnassus
+have subscribed to give her an in-patient&rsquo;s ticket&mdash;we
+trust that some able hand will continue this subject for the
+benefit of medical students generally; for, we repeat, it is much
+to be regretted that no more of this valuable production remains to
+us than the portion which Punch has just immortalized, and set
+forth as an apt example for cheering the pursuit of knowledge under
+difficulties. The gifted hand who arranged this might have turned
+Cooper&rsquo;s First Lines of Surgery into a tragedy; Dr.
+Copeland&rsquo;s Medical Dictionary into a domestic melodrama, with
+long intervals between the acts; and the Pharmacopoeia into a light
+one-act farce. It strikes us if the theatres could enter into an
+arrangement with the Borough Hospitals to supply an amputation
+every evening as the finishing <em>coup</em> to an act, it would
+draw immensely when other means failed to attract.</p>
+<p>The last time we heard this poem was at an harmonic meeting of
+medical students, within twenty shells&rsquo; length of the
+&mdash;&mdash; School dissecting-room. It was truly delightful to
+see these young men snatching a few Anacreontic hours from their
+harassing professional occupations. At the time we heard it, the
+singer was slightly overcome by excitement and tight boots; and, at
+length, being prevailed upon to remove the obnoxious
+understandings, they were passed round the table to be admired, and
+eventually returned to their owner, filled with half-and-half,
+cigar-ashes, broken pipes, bread-crusts, and gin-and-water. This
+was a jocular pleasantry, which only the hilarious mind of a
+medical student could have conceived.</p>
+<p>As the day of examination approaches, the economy of our friend
+undergoes a complete transformation, but in an inverse
+entomological progression&mdash;changing from the butterfly into
+the chrysalis. He is seldom seen at the hospitals, dividing the
+whole of his time between the grinder and his lodgings; taking
+innumerable notes at one place, and endeavouring to decipher them
+at the other. Those who have called upon him at this trying period
+have found him in an old shooting-jacket and slippers, seated at a
+table, and surrounded by every book that was ever written upon
+every medical subject that was ever discussed, all of which he
+appears to be reading at once&mdash;with little pieces of paper
+strewn all over the room, covered with strange hieroglyphics and
+extraordinary diagrams of chemical decompositions. His brain is
+just as full of temporary information as a bad egg is of
+sulphuretted hydrogen; and it is a fortunate provision of nature
+that the <em>dura mater</em> is of a tough fibrous
+texture&mdash;were it not for this safeguard, the whole mass would
+undoubtedly go off at once like a too tightly-rammed rocket. He is
+conscious of this himself, from the grinding information wherein he
+has been taught that the brain has three coverings, in the
+following order:&mdash;the <em>dura mater</em>, or Chesterfield
+overall; the <em>tunica arachnoidea</em>, or &ldquo;dress coat of
+fine Saxony cloth;&rdquo; and, in immediate contact, the <em>pia
+mater</em>, or five-and-sixpenny long cloth shirt with linen
+wristbands and fronts. This is a brilliant specimen of the helps to
+memory which the grinder affords, as splendid in its arrangement as
+the topographical methods of calling to mind the course of the
+large arteries, which define the abdominal aorta as Cheapside, its
+two common iliac branches, as Newgate-street and St. Paul&rsquo;s
+Churchyard, and the medio sacralis given off between them, as
+Paternoster-row.</p>
+<p>Time goes on, bringing the fated hour nearer and nearer; and the
+student&rsquo;s assiduity knows no bounds. He reads his subjects
+over and over again, to keep them fresh in his memory, like little
+boys at school, who try to catch a last bird&rsquo;s-eye glance of
+their book before they give it into the usher&rsquo;s hands to say
+by heart. He now feels a deep interest in the statistics of the
+Hall, and is horrified at hearing that &ldquo;nine men out of
+thirteen were sent back last Thursday!&rdquo; The subjects, too,
+that they were rejected upon frighten him just as much. One was
+plucked upon his anatomy; another, because he could not tell the
+difference between a daisy and a chamomile; and a third, after
+&ldquo;being in&rdquo; three hours and a quarter, was sent back,
+for his inability to explain the process of making malt from
+barley,&mdash;an operation, whose final use he so well understands,
+although the preparation somewhat bothered him. And thus, funking
+at the rejection of a clever man, or marvelling at the success of
+an acknowledged fool&mdash;determining to take prussic acid in the
+event of being refused&mdash;reading fourteen hours a day&mdash;and
+keeping awake by the combined influence of snuff and
+coffee&mdash;the student finds his first ordeal approach.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>TRUE ECONOMY.</h3>
+<p>Peter Borthwick experienced a sad disappointment lately. Having
+applied to the City Chamberlain for the situation of Lord
+Mayor&rsquo;s fool, he was told that the Corporation, in a true
+spirit of economy, had decided upon dividing the duties amongst
+themselves. Peter was&mdash;but we were not&mdash;surprised that
+between the Aldermen and tom-foolery there should exist</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/018-11.png"><img src=
+"images/018-11.png" alt="Two men connected with handcuffs." id=
+"img018-11" name="img018-11" width="50%" /></a>
+<p>A STRONG ATTACHMENT.</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page214" name="page214"></a>[pg
+214]</span>
+<h3>THE LORD MAYOR&rsquo;S FOOL.</h3>
+<p>We are happy in being able to announce that it is the intention
+of the new potentate of Guildhall to revive the ancient and
+honourable office of &ldquo;Lord Mayor&rsquo;s Fool.&rdquo; A
+number of candidates have already offered themselves, whose
+qualifications for the situation are so equally balanced, that it
+is a matter of no small difficulty to decide amongst them. The
+Light of the City has, we understand, called in Gog and
+Magog&mdash;Sir Peter Laurie and Alderman Humphrey&mdash;to assist
+him in selecting a fit and proper person upon whom to bestow the
+Civic cap and bells.</p>
+<p>The following is a list of the individuals whose claims are
+under consideration:&mdash;</p>
+<p><em>The Marquis of Londonderry</em>, who founds his claims upon
+the fact of his always creating immense laughter whenever he opens
+his mouth.</p>
+<p><em>Lord Brougham</em>, who grounds his pretensions upon the
+agility displayed by him in his favourite character of &ldquo;the
+Political Harlequin.&rdquo;</p>
+<p><em>Lord Normanby</em>, upon the peculiar fitness of his
+physiognomy to play the Fool in any Court.</p>
+<p><em>Daniel O&rsquo;Connell</em>, upon his impudence, and his
+offer to fool it in his new scarlet gown and cocked-hat.</p>
+<p><em>Peter Borthwick</em>, upon his brilliant wit, which it is
+intended shall supersede the Bude Light in the House of
+Commons.</p>
+<p><em>Colonel Sibthorp</em>, upon his jokes, which have convulsed
+all the readers of PUNCH, including himself.</p>
+<p><em>George Stephens</em>, upon the immense success of his
+tragedy of &ldquo;Martinuzzi,&rdquo; which, to the outrageous
+merriment of the audience, turned out to be a farce.</p>
+<p><em>T. Wakley</em>, upon the comical way in which he turns his
+Cap of Liberty into a <em>Wellington-Wig</em> and back again at the
+shortest notice.</p>
+<p><em>Sir Francis Burdett</em>, upon the exceeding complacency
+with which he wears his own fool&rsquo;s-cap.</p>
+<p><em>Ben D&rsquo;Israeli</em>, upon his unadulterated simplicity,
+and the unfurnished state of his attic.</p>
+<p><em>Mr. Muntz</em>, upon the <em>prim&acirc; facie</em> evidence
+that he is a near relative of Gog and Magog, and therefore the best
+entitled to the Civic Foolship.</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<h2>PUNCH&rsquo;S CATECHISM OF GEOGRAPHY.</h2>
+<p>The astonishing increase of the great metropolis in every
+direction&mdash;the growing up of Brixton and Clapham&mdash;the
+discovery of inhabited streets and houses in the <em>terra
+incognita</em> to the northward of Pentonville&mdash;and the spirit
+of maritime enterprise which the late successful voyages made by
+the <em>Bridegroom</em> steam-boat to the coast of Chelsea has
+excited in the public mind&mdash;has induced a thirst for
+knowledge, and a desire to be acquainted with the exact
+geographical position of this habitable world, of which it is
+admitted Pinnock&rsquo;s work does not give the remotest idea. To
+supply this deficiency, PUNCH begs leave to offer to his friends
+and readers <em>his</em> Catechism of Geography, which, if received
+with the extraordinary favour it deserves from the public, may be
+followed by catechisms on other interesting branches of
+knowledge.</p>
+<h3>CHAPTER I.</h3>
+<h4>OF THE WORLD IN GENERAL.</h4>
+<p><em>Q.</em> What is geography?</p>
+<p><em>A.</em> The looking for <em>places</em> on a map, or in
+Downing-street, or anywhere else in the world.</p>
+<p><em>Q.</em> What do you mean by the world?</p>
+<p><em>A.</em> Every place comprehended within the circle of a
+sixpenny omnibus fare from the Bank.</p>
+<p><em>Q.</em> Of what is the world composed?</p>
+<p><em>A.</em> Of bricks and mortar, and Thames water.</p>
+<p><em>Q.</em> Into how many parts is the world usually
+divided?</p>
+<p><em>A.</em> Into four great parts, viz.&mdash;London,
+Westminster, Marylebone, and Finsbury; to which may be added the
+Borough, which is over the water. Or it may be said that Fashion
+has divided the world into two distinct parts, viz.&mdash;the
+East-end and the West-end, and a great number of suburbs.</p>
+<p><em>Q.</em> How are the bricks and mortar subdivided?</p>
+<p><em>A.</em> Into continents, islands, peninsulas, and
+isthmuses.</p>
+<p><em>Q.</em> What is a continent?</p>
+<p><em>A.</em> Any district containing a number of separate
+residences and distinct tenements, as <em>St. James&rsquo;s</em>,
+<em>St. Giles&rsquo;s</em>.</p>
+<p><em>Q.</em> What is an island?</p>
+<p><em>A.</em> An island is anything surrounded by the Thames, as
+<em>The Eel-Pie Island</em>, and <em>The Convict Hulk</em> at
+Deptford.</p>
+<p><em>Q.</em> What is a peninsula?</p>
+<p><em>A.</em> Anything that runs into the Thames, as <em>The
+Suspension Pier at Chelsea</em>, and <em>Jack-in-the-Water</em> at
+the Tower-stairs.</p>
+<p><em>Q.</em> What is an isthmus?</p>
+<p><em>A.</em> A narrow place that joins two continents together,
+as <em>Temple bar</em>, which joins <em>Westminster</em> to the
+<em>City</em>.</p>
+<p><em>Q.</em> How is the Thames water divided?</p>
+<p><em>A.</em> Morally speaking, it is divided into river water,
+pipe water, and gin-and-water.</p>
+<p><em>Q.</em> Where is river water found?</p>
+<p><em>A.</em> Anywhere between Vauxhall and London Bridges. It is
+inhabited principally by flounders and bargemen.</p>
+<p><em>Q.</em> What is pipe water?</p>
+<p><em>A.</em> An intermitting stream, having its source at some
+distant basin. It usually runs into a cistern, until the
+water-rates get into arrear, when the supply ceases through the
+intervention of a turncock.</p>
+<p><em>Q.</em> Where is gin-and-water to be found?</p>
+<p><em>A.</em> All over the world; but especially in the vicinity
+of a cab-stand.</p>
+<p><em>Q.</em> In what other manner is the Thames water
+divided?</p>
+<p><em>A.</em> Physically speaking, into oceans, seas, gulfs, bays,
+straits, lakes and rivers.</p>
+<p><em>Q.</em> What is an ocean?</p>
+<p><em>A.</em> Any great body of water whose limits it is
+impossible to describe, as <em>The Floating Bath</em> at
+Southwark-bridge, and <em>The Real Tank</em> at the Adelphi
+Theatre.</p>
+<p><em>Q.</em> What is a sea?</p>
+<p><em>A.</em> Any small collection of water, as at
+Chel<em>sea</em>, Batter<em>sea.</em></p>
+<p><em>Q.</em> What is a gulf?</p>
+<p><em>A.</em> A gulf is any place, the greater part of which is
+surrounded by lawyers, as <em>Lincoln&rsquo;s Inn,&mdash;The Court
+of Chancery</em>.</p>
+<p><em>Q.</em> What is a haven?</p>
+<p><em>A.</em> A commodious harbour, where people lie at anchor in
+perfect security, as <em>The Queen&rsquo;s Bench,&mdash;The
+Fleet</em>, the sight of which is</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/018-12.png"><img src=
+"images/018-12.png" alt=
+"Three men in a boat look at a man who is working strenuously in another boat."
+id="img018-12" name="img018-12" width="80%" /></a>
+<p>ENOUGH TO TURN ONE&rsquo;S HEAD.</p>
+</div>
+<p><em>Q.</em> What is a strait?</p>
+<p><em>A.</em> A strait is a narrow passage which connects two
+broad principles as <em>Wakley&rsquo;s Straits</em>, which join
+Radicalism and Conservatism.</p>
+<p><em>Q.</em> What is a lake?</p>
+<p><em>A.</em> A lake is any small portion of Honesty, entirely
+surrounded by Self, as <em>Peel&rsquo;s Politics</em>.</p>
+<p><em>Q.</em> What is a river?</p>
+<p><em>A.</em> A river is a Tax-stream which rises from the
+Treasury, and runs into the pockets of the Ministerial party. The
+People are <em>the source</em> of the stream&mdash;the Ministry is
+<em>the mouth</em>. When the mouth is very wide, it is called a
+<em>Tory mouth</em>. The <em>right</em> or <em>left</em> banks of a
+Tax stream are the <em>Treasury</em> or <em>Opposition
+benches</em>, to the right or left of the Speaker when he has his
+back to the source.</p>
+<p><em>Q.</em> How are tax streams divided?</p>
+<p><em>A.</em> Into <em>salaries</em> and <em>pensions</em>.</p>
+<p><em>Q.</em> What is <em>a conflux</em>?</p>
+<p><em>A.</em> Any place where two or more salaries or pensions are
+united, as The Duke&rsquo;s breeches-pocket.</p>
+<p><em>Q.</em> Is there any other peculiarity attending a tax
+stream?</p>
+<p><em>A.</em> Yes. <em>Radicalism</em> is that part of a stream
+nearest to its <em>source</em>; <em>Toryism</em> that part nearest
+to its <em>mouth</em>.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>SPARKS FROM THE FIRE.</h3>
+<h4>ALL IS NOT LOST.</h4>
+<p>Colonel Sibthorp begs to inform the Editor of Punch that the
+loss of the wooden gun named &ldquo;Policy,&rdquo; which was
+destroyed by the late fire at the Tower, is not irreparable. He has
+himself been for a long time employed by the Tories for a similar
+purpose as that for which the &ldquo;Policy&rdquo; had been
+successfully used, namely, to make the enemy believe they were well
+provided with real artillery; and being now the <em>greatest wooden
+gun</em> in the world, he will, immediately on the Lower Armoury
+being rebuilt, be happy to take the place of the gun which has been
+unfortunately consumed.</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page215" name="page215"></a>[pg
+215]</span>
+<h2>DISTRESS OF THE COUNTRY.</h2>
+<h4>BY THE AUTHOR OF &ldquo;LIGHTS AND SHADOWS OF LONDON
+LIFE.&rdquo;</h4>
+<p>Merciful Heaven! we shudder as we write! The state of
+destitution to which the civic authorities are reduced is
+appalling. Will our readers believe it&mdash;there were only five
+hundred tureens of turtle, or two thousand five hundred pints, or
+<em>five thousand</em> basins, amongst not quite fifteen hundred
+guests,&mdash;only two basins and a half a man,&mdash;for the first
+course! But we print the bill of fare; it will be read with intense
+interest by the manufacturers of Paisley, inhabitants of poor-law
+unions, but more especially by the literary community.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;GENERAL BILL OF FARE.&mdash;250 tureens of real turtle,
+containing five pints each; 200 bottles of sherbet; 6 dishes of
+fish; 30 entr&eacute;es; 4 boiled turkeys and oysters; 60 roast
+pullets; 60 dishes of fowls; 46 ditto of capons; 50 French pies; 60
+pigeon pies; 53 hams (ornamented); 43 tongues; 2 quarters of house
+lamb; 2 barons of beef; 3 rounds of beef; 2 stewed rumps of beef;
+13 sirloins, rumps, and ribs of beef; 6 dishes of asparagus; 60
+ditto of mashed and other potatoes; 44 ditto of shell-fish; 4 ditto
+of prawns; 140 jellies; 50 blancmanges; 40 dishes of tarts
+(creamed); 30 ditto of orange and other tourtes; 40 ditto of almond
+pastry; 20 Chantilly baskets; 60 dishes of mince pies; 56 salads;
+peas and asparagus. The Removes:&mdash;30 roast turkeys; 6
+leverets; 80 pheasants; 24 geese; 40 dishes of partridges; 15
+dishes of wild fowl; 2 pea-fowls. Dessert:&mdash;100 pineapples,
+from 2 lb. to 3 lb. each; 200 dishes of hot-house grapes; 250 ice
+creams; 50 dishes of apples; 100 ditto of pears; 60 ornamented
+Savoy cakes; 75 plates of walnuts; 80 ditto of dried fruit and
+preserves; 50 ditto of preserved ginger; 60 ditto of rout cakes and
+chips; 46 ditto of brandy cherries.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;THE PRINCIPAL TABLE (at which the Right Hon. the Lord
+Mayor presides).&mdash;10 tureens of turtle, 10 bottles of sherbet,
+6 dishes of fish, 30 entr&eacute;es, 1 boiled turkey and oysters, 2
+roast pullets, 2 dishes of fowls, 2 ditto of capons, 2 French pies,
+2 pigeon pies, 2 hams (ornamented), 2 tongues, 1 quarter of
+house-lamb, 1 stewed rump of beef, 1 sirloin of beef, 6 dishes of
+asparagus, 2 dishes of mashed and other potatoes, 3 ditto of
+shell-fish, 1 dish of prawns, 3 jellies, 3 blancmanges, 2 dishes of
+tarts (creamed), 2 dishes of orange and other tourtes, 2 dishes of
+almond pastry, 4 Chantilly baskets, 2 dishes of mince pies, 4
+salads. Removes:&mdash;3 roast turkeys, 1 leveret, 3 pheasants, 2
+geese, 2 dishes of partridges, 1 dish of wild fowl, 2 peafowls.
+Dessert:&mdash;6 pine-apples, 12 dishes of grapes, 10 ice creams, 2
+dishes of apples, 4 dishes of pears, 2 ornamented Savoy cakes, 3
+plates of walnuts, 4 plates of dried fruit and preserves, 3 plates
+of preserved ginger, 3 plates of rout cakes and chips, 3 plates of
+brandy cherries.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;THE FIVE UPPER TABLES.&mdash;80 tureens of turtle, 60
+bottles of sherbet, 3 boiled turkeys and oysters, 16 roast pullets,
+20 dishes of fowls, 15 ditto of capons, 16 French pies, 16 pigeon
+pies, 16 hams (ornamented), 13 tongues, 1 quarter of house-lamb, 1
+round of beef, 1 stewed rump of beef, 4 sirloins, rumps and ribs of
+beef, 20 dishes of mashed and other potatoes, 12 ditto of
+shell-fish, 1 dish of prawns, 40 jellies, 16 blancmanges, 13 dishes
+of tarts (creamed), 9 ditto of orange and other tourtes, 13 ditto
+of almond pastry, 16 Chantilly baskets, 20 dishes of mince pies, 17
+salads. Removes: 23 roast turkeys, 5 leverets, 23 pheasants, 7
+geese, 13 dishes of partridges, 5 ditto of wild fowl.
+Dessert:&mdash;32 pine-apples, 64 dishes of grapes, 80 ice creams,
+15 dishes of apples, 30 ditto of pears, 18 ornamented Savoy cakes,
+24 plates of walnuts, 26 ditto of dried fruit and preserves, 15
+ditto of preserved ginger, 18 ditto of rout cakes and chips, 14
+ditto of brandy cherries.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;THE FIVE SHORT TABLES NEXT THE UPPER TABLES.&mdash;26
+tureens of turtle, 22 bottles of sherbet, 3 roast pullets, 6 dishes
+of fowls, 5 dishes of capons, 5 French pies, 7 pigeon pies, 6 hams
+(ornamented), 5 tongues, 1 sirloin of beef, 6 dishes of mashed and
+other potatoes, 5 ditto of shell-fish, 1 dish of prawns, 16
+jellies, 5 blancmanges, 4 dishes of tarts (creamed), 3 dishes of
+orange and other tourtes, 4 dishes of almond pastry, 6 dishes of
+mince pies, 6 salads. Removes:&mdash;10 roast turkeys, 10
+pheasants, 3 geese, 4 dishes of partridges. Dessert:&mdash;10
+pine-apples, 20 dishes of grapes, 26 ice creams, 5 dishes of
+apples, 12 ditto of pears, 7 ornamented Savoy cakes, 8 plates of
+walnuts, 8 ditto of dried fruit and preserves, 5 ditto of preserved
+ginger, 7 ditto of rout cakes and chips, 5 ditto of brandy
+cherries.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;THE FOUR LONG TABLES IN THE BODY OF THE HALL.&mdash;80
+tureens of turtle, 60 bottles of sherbet, 17 roast pullets, 20
+dishes of fowls, 15 dishes of capons, 16 French pies, 20 pigeon
+pies, 16 hams (ornamented), 13 tongues, 1 round of beef, 1 stewed
+rump of beef, 4 sirloins, rumps, and ribs of beef, 20 dishes of
+mashed and other potatoes, 13 dishes of shell-fish, 40 jellies, 16
+blancmanges, 13 dishes of tarts (creamed), 10 ditto of orange and
+other tourtes, 13 ditto of almond pastry, 20 ditto of mince pies,
+17 salads. Removes:&mdash;23 roast turkeys, 23 pheasants, 7 geese,
+13 dishes of partridges, 5 ditto of wild fowl. Dessert:&mdash;32
+pine-apples, 64 dishes of grapes, 80 ice creams, 16 dishes of
+apples, 30 ditto of pears, 20 ornamented Savoy cakes, 24 plates of
+walnuts. 26 ditto of dried fruit and preserves, 16 ditto of
+preserved ginger, 20 ditto of rout cakes and chips, 15 ditto of
+brandy cherries.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;THE SEVEN SIDE TABLES.&mdash;24 tureens of turtle, 20
+bottles of sherbet, 7 roast pullets, 5 dishes of fowls, 4 ditto of
+capons, 5 French pies, 5 pigeon pies, 6 hams (ornamented), 4
+tongues, 1 sirloin of beef, 5 dishes of mashed and other potatoes,
+4 ditto of shell-fish, 1 dish of prawns, 15 jellies, 4 blancmanges,
+3 dishes of tarts (creamed), 2 ditto of orange and other tourtes, 3
+ditto of almond pastry, 5 ditto of mince pies, 5 salads.
+Removes&mdash;9 roast turkeys, 9 pheasants, 2 geese, 20 dishes of
+partridges. Dessert:&mdash;8 pine-apples, 16 dishes of grapes, 24
+ice creams, 5 dishes of apples, 16 ditto of pears, 6 ornamented
+Savoy cakes, 7 plates of walnuts, 7 ditto of dried fruit and
+preserves, 5 ditto of preserved ginger, 6 ditto of rout cakes and
+chips, 4 ditto of brandy cherries.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;THE THREE TABLES IN THE OLD COURT OF QUEEN&rsquo;S
+BENCH.&mdash;30 tureens of turtle, 28 bottles of sherbet, 10 roast
+pullets, 7 dishes of fowls. 6 ditto of capons, 5 French pies, 10
+pigeon pies, 7 hams (ornamented), 6 tongues, 1 round of beef, 2
+sirloins and ribs of beef, 7 dishes of mashed and other potatoes, 6
+ditto of shell-fish, 21 jellies, 6 blancmanges, 5 dishes of tarts
+(creamed), 4 ditto of orange and other tourtes, 5 ditto of almond
+pastry, 7 ditto of mince pies, 7 salads. Removes:&mdash;12 roast
+turkeys, 12 pheasants, 3 geese, 5 dishes of partridges, 4 ditto of
+wild fowl. Dessert:&mdash;12 pine-apples, 24 dishes of grapes, 30
+ice creams, 7 dishes of apples, 14 ditto of pears, 7 ornamented
+Savoy cakes, 9 plates of walnuts, 9 ditto of dried fruit and
+preserves, 6 ditto of preserved ginger, 7 ditto of rout cakes and
+chips, 5 ditto of brandy cherries.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;WINES:&mdash;Champagne, Hock, Claret, Madeira, Port, and
+Sherry.&rdquo;</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>THE DESTRUCTION OF THE ALDERMEN.</h3>
+<h4>A MANSION-HOUSE MELODY.</h4>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Apoplexia came down on the Alderman fold,</p>
+<p>And his cohorts were gleaming with jaundice like gold,</p>
+<p>And the sheen of the spectres that own&rsquo;d his behest</p>
+<p>Glimmer&rsquo;d bright as the gas at a new Lord
+May&rsquo;r&rsquo;s feast.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Every fiend that humanity shrinks from was there&mdash;</p>
+<p>Hepatitis, Lumbago, with hollow-eyed Care,</p>
+<p>Hypochondria, and Gout grinning ghastly with pain,</p>
+<p>And of Incubi phantoms a horrible train.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>And onwards they gallop&rsquo;d in brotherly pairs;</p>
+<p>Their pennons pale yellow, their steeds were night mares;</p>
+<p>And their leader&rsquo;s grim visage a darksome smile wore</p>
+<p>As he gave the word &ldquo;Halt&rdquo; at the Mansion-house
+door.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>The vision dismounted, and peering within,</p>
+<p>&rsquo;Midst a rattle of glasses and knife and fork din,</p>
+<p>His victims beheld, tucking in calipash,</p>
+<p>While they hob-nobb&rsquo;d and toasted in Burgundy wash.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Then he straightway amongst them his grisly form cast,</p>
+<p>And breathed on each puffing red face as he pass&rsquo;d;</p>
+<p>And the eyes of the feasters wax&rsquo;d deadly and chill,</p>
+<p>And their stomachs once heaved, and for ever grew still!</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>And the turtle devourers were stretched on the floor&mdash;</p>
+<p>Each cheek changed to purple&mdash;so crimson before!</p>
+<p>Their dewlaps all dabbled with red wine and ale,</p>
+<p>And extremities cold as a live fish&rsquo;s tail!</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>And there lay the Liv&rsquo;ryman, breathless and lorn,</p>
+<p>With waistcoat and new inexpressibles torn;</p>
+<p>And the Hall was all silent, the band having flown,</p>
+<p>And the waiters stared wildly on, sweating and blown!</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>And Cripplegate widows are loud in their wail!</p>
+<p>And Mary-Axe orphans all trembling and pale!</p>
+<p>For the Alderman glory has melted away,</p>
+<p>As mists are dispersed by the glad dawn of day.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3><em>HARMER VIRUMQUE CANO.</em></h3>
+<p>In the list of guests at the Lord Mayor&rsquo;s dinner we did
+not perceive the name of &ldquo;Harmer&rdquo; among those who met
+to &ldquo;despatch&rdquo; the viands. On inquiry we learn that
+since the fire at the Tower he has secluded himself in his own
+<em>Harmer-y</em>, and has not egressed from &ldquo;Ingress
+Abbey,&rdquo; for fear of incendiaries. The ex-alderman having
+however always shown a decided predilection for Gravesend, it is
+not wonderful that during the wet season he should be</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/018-13.png"><img src=
+"images/018-13.png" alt="A man forces a horse through a pond." id=
+"img018-13" name="img018-13" width="80%" /></a>
+<p>STOPPING AT A WATERING-PLACE.</p>
+</div>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page216" name="page216"></a>[pg
+216]</span>
+<h2>A CHAPTER ON POLITICS.</h2>
+<div class="note">
+<p>WHEREIN &ldquo;PUNCH&rdquo; HINTETH AT A STARTLING CHANGE IN THE
+MODUS OPERANDI OF LEGISLATION.&mdash;HE ALSO EXHIBITETH A PROFOUND
+KNOWLEDGE OF FOREIGN AFFAIRS; AND SHOWETH HOW AT HOME WE ARE ALL
+ABROAD.</p>
+</div>
+<p>At a period when every Englishman, from the Minister to the
+Quack Doctor (and extremes very often meet), is laying down his
+pseudo-political principles, PUNCH desires to expound his practical
+and scientific plan for increasing prosperity and preserving peace.
+Yes, at a moment like this, when the party difference
+&ldquo;&rsquo;twixt Tweedledum and Tweedledee&rdquo; has produced a
+total stand-still; when Whigs cannot move, and when Tories will
+not,&mdash;PUNCH steps forward to prescribe (without a fee) for the
+sinking Constitution.</p>
+<p>PUNCH <em>loquitur</em>.&mdash;A very great genius&mdash;one
+almost equal to myself&mdash;has declared that of the great mass of
+mankind, ninety-nine out of every hundred are lost in error. Every
+day proves the fact.&mdash;From the Peer, who mistakes
+exclusiveness for dignity, and a power to injure for a right to
+oppress, to the Peasant, who confounds aggression and insolence
+with justice and independence, it is all error! error!!
+error!!!</p>
+<p>Upon this fact rests the basis of my wonderful improvements. If
+the majority be wrong, the inference is obvious&mdash;the minority
+must be right. Then, in future, let everything be conducted by the
+minority&mdash;the sensible few. Behold the consequences!</p>
+<p>In those days we shall have Mr. Samuel Carter Hall, who polled
+three days and got&mdash;one vote, declared County Member elect.
+Sibthorp shall be a man of weight and influence, &ldquo;giving to
+(h)airy nothing a local habitation and a name.&rdquo; Roebuck shall
+be believed to have had ancestors; and shall wring the nose of some
+small boy attached to <em>The Times</em> newspaper; and the
+Whigs&mdash;yes, the Whigs&mdash;shall be declared both wise and
+honest: though Parliament has pronounced them fools, and the
+country has believed them to be knaves.</p>
+<p><em>Pupil of Punch, respondet</em>.&mdash;That would be a
+change, Punch! Rather. Cast your eye around and see the workings of
+this grand principle; the labours of the many compassed by the
+few&mdash;steam and slavery.</p>
+<p><em>Punch</em>.&mdash;Very true! Let me now draw your attention
+to the real difference between the English and some foreign
+governments:&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>The Turkish minister generally loses his power and his head at
+the same time; the English minister carries on his business without
+a head at all. For the performance of his duty the former is
+decapitated&mdash;the latter is incapacitated.</p>
+<p>The Japanese legislator when disgraced invariably rips up his
+bowels; the English legislator is invariably in disgrace, but has
+no bowels to rip up. With some other nations the unsuccessful
+leader gets bow-stringed and comfortably sown up in a sack; our
+great man is satisfied with getting the sack, having previously
+bagged as much as lay in his power.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>(Next week I may probably continue the lecture and the
+parallels.)</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>THE PRINCE&rsquo;S EXTRA.</h3>
+<p>At Gray&rsquo;s Inn the loyalty of that society was manifested
+in a very gratifying manner: the treasurer and benchers having
+ordered <em>extra wine</em> to be served to the barristers and
+students, the health of her Majesty and the infant Prince was drunk
+with enthusiastic rapture.</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Long live the Prince! For many a year</p>
+<p class="i2">To wet each student&rsquo;s throttle;</p>
+<p>He well deserves an <em>extra cheer</em>,</p>
+<p class="i2">Who brings an <em>extra bottle</em>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="full" />
+<h2>PUNCH&rsquo;S THEATRE.</h2>
+<h3>THE WRONG MAN.</h3>
+<p>The author of this farce hath placed himself in the first
+section of the second chapter of that treatise on &ldquo;Dramatic
+Casualties&rdquo; which hath helped to make &ldquo;Punch&rdquo; the
+oracle of wit and of wisdom he has become to the entire
+intelligence of the land, from the aristocracy
+upwards<sup>2</sup><span class="sidenote">2. Punch, No. 11 page
+131.</span>. In this instance he is truly one who &ldquo;writeth a
+farce or comedy and neglecteth to introduce jokes in the
+same.&rdquo; But this we hope will prove a solitary instance of
+such neglect; for when he next inditeth, may he show that he is not
+the &ldquo;Wrong Man&rdquo; to write a good piece; although alas,
+he appeared on Saturday last to be exactly the right man for
+penning a bad one.</p>
+<p>When a playwright produces a plot whose incidents are just
+within the possibilities, and far beyond the probabilities, of this
+life, it is said to be &ldquo;ingenious,&rdquo; because of the
+crowd of circumstances that are huddled into each scene. According
+to this acceptation, the &ldquo;Wrong Man&rdquo; would be a highly
+ingenious farce; if that may be called a farce from which the
+remotest semblance of faceti&aelig; is scrupulously excluded.
+Proceed we, therefore, to an analysis of the fable with becoming
+gravity.</p>
+<p>At the outset we are introduced to a maiden lady in
+(<em>horresco referens!</em>) her private apartment; but to save
+scandal, the introduction is not made without company&mdash;there
+is also her maid. <em>Patty Smart</em>, although not a new servant,
+has chosen that precise moment to inform her mistress concerning
+the exact situation of her private circumstances, and the precise
+state of her heart. She is in love: it is for <em>Simon Tack</em>
+that the flame is kept alive; he, a dapper upholder, upholds her
+affections. At this point, a triangular note is produced, which
+plainly foretells a dishonourable rival. You are not deceived; it
+proposes an assignation in that elysium of bachelors and precipice
+of destruction for young ladies, the Albany. Wonderful to relate,
+it is from <em>Miss Thomasina Fringe&rsquo;s</em> nephew, <em>Sir
+Bryan Beausex</em>. The maiden dame is inconceivably shocked; and
+to show her detestation of this indelicate proposal, agrees to
+personate <em>Patty</em> and keep the appointment herself, for the
+pleasure of inflicting on her nephew a heap of mortification and a
+moral lecture. <em>Mr. Tack</em> is the next appearance: being an
+upholsterer, of course he has the run of the house, so it is not at
+all odd to find him in a maiden lady&rsquo;s boudoir; the more
+especially as he enters from behind his natural element&mdash;the
+window curtains.</p>
+<p>It is astonishing with what pertinacity the characters in most
+farces will bore one with their private affairs when they first
+appear! In this respect <em>Sir Bryan Beausex</em>, in the next
+scene, is quite as bad as <em>Patty</em> was in the former one. He
+seems to have invited four unoffending victims to dine at his
+chambers in the Albany, on purpose to inform them that in his youth
+he was betrothed to a girl whom he has never since seen; but what
+that has to do with telling his guests to be off, because he
+expects a charming little lady&rsquo;s-maid at six, his companions
+are doubtless puzzled to understand. One of them, however, is
+<em>Beechwood</em>&mdash;a very considerably diluted edition of
+<em>Jerry Bumps</em> in &ldquo;Turning the Tables&rdquo;&mdash;who
+determines to revenge this early turn-out by a trick upon the
+inhospitable host, and goes off to develop it&mdash;to commence, in
+fact, the farce.</p>
+<p><em>Sir Bryan Beausex</em> is waiting with impatience the
+arrival of <em>Patty</em>, when his servant enters with a letter,
+which he says has been just delivered by a servant, who galloped up
+to the door on a horse&mdash;an extraordinary clever hack, we
+should say; for, to perform this feat, he must have broken through
+a porter&rsquo;s lodge, galloped over a smooth pavement, and under
+a roof so low, that Lord Burghersh can only traverse it with his
+hat off. We should like to see a horse-race in the Albany avenue!
+The letter thus so cavalierly brought, contains news of an accident
+that has happened to <em>Miss Fringe</em>, and summons
+<em>Beausex&rsquo;s</em> immediate presence. Off he goes, and on
+comes <em>Beechwood</em> with a &ldquo;Ha! ha! ha!, fairly
+hoaxed,&rdquo; and all that; which is usually laughed and said by
+hoaxers <em>of</em> hoaxees.</p>
+<p>It has happened that <em>Mr. Tack</em>, the upholsterer, having
+had a peep at the contents of the cocked-hat billet, addressed to
+Mistress <em>Smart</em>, conceives a violent fit of jealousy, and
+having also <em>Beausex&rsquo;s</em> custom, has the range of his
+house as well as that of <em>Miss Fringe</em>. So by this time we
+naturally find him behind <em>Sir Bryan&rsquo;s</em>
+window-curtains, to witness the interview between him and the
+future <em>Mrs. Tack</em>; that is to say, if she prove not
+false.</p>
+<p>Things approach to a crisis. <em>Miss Fringe</em> enters, but
+brings with her <em>Alice</em>, the young lady whose infant heart
+was betrothed to <em>Beausex</em>. She, taking the place of
+<em>Patty Smart</em>, goes through a dialogue with
+<em>Beechwood</em> instead of <em>Beausex</em>; and we now learn
+that the former christens the farce, he being the &ldquo;Wrong
+Man.&rdquo; Somewhere near this point of the story the first act
+ends.</p>
+<p>The second act is occupied in clearing up the mistakes which the
+audience know all about already; but those among them who had, up
+to about the middle of it, been waiting with exemplary patience for
+the jokes, began to get tired of having nothing to laugh at, and
+hissed. Despite these noisy drawbacks, however, we were able to
+find out that <em>Beausex</em> loses his cousin <em>Alice</em> and
+her fortune (a regular farce fortune&mdash;some five or six hundred
+thousand pounds or so); for she falls in love with
+<em>Beechwood</em>, and <em>vice versa</em>. <em>Tack</em> and
+<em>Patty Smart</em> are rendered happy; but what really becomes of
+<em>Beausex</em> and his aunt the sibilants forbad our knowing. We
+suppose, by Mr. Bartley&rsquo;s pantomime, that <em>Sir Bryan</em>
+puts up with his hoax and his lady-loss with a good grace; for he
+flourished about his never-absent pocket-handkerchief with one
+hand, shook hands with <em>Miss Fringe</em> with the other, stepped
+forward, did some more dumb show to the dissentients, and, with the
+rest of the actors, bowed down the curtain.</p>
+<p>We perceive by the Times that the author of the &ldquo;Wrong
+Man&rdquo; is not so very culpable after all. He is guiltless of
+the plot; that being taken from a French piece called &ldquo;Le
+Tapissier.&rdquo;</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<h3>THE MASONS AND THE STONE JUG.</h3>
+<p>Mr. Wakley feelingly remarked at the late meeting of the union
+masons that the &ldquo;man who would lock up <em>a pump</em> was
+unfit to hold any situation of trust.&rdquo; On the strength of
+this opinion the Earl of Waklegrave and Captain Duff intend to
+proceed against the Marshal of the Queen&rsquo;s Bench for having
+<em>locked them up</em> for these last six months.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>&ldquo;THE FORCE OF FANCY COULD NO FURTHER GO.&rdquo;</h3>
+<p>The Times gives an extract from the <em>Norwich Aurora</em>, an
+American paper, descriptive of a newly discovered cavern. The
+writer, with a power of imagination almost marvellous, remarks,
+&ldquo;The air in the cavern had a peculiar smell,
+resembling&mdash;NOTHING.&rdquo; We believe that is the identical
+flavour of &ldquo;<em>Leg of Nothing and no
+turnips</em>.&rdquo;</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>CONUNDRUM BY THE LORD MAYOR.</h3>
+<p>Why does a drunken milkmaid resemble a celebrated French
+diplomatist?&mdash;Because she is like to
+<em>tally-wrong</em>&mdash;(Talleyrand.)</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+1, November 13, 1841, by Various
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+</body>
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1,
+November 13, 1841, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, November 13, 1841
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14936]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team Syamanta
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 1.
+
+
+
+FOR THE WEEK ENDING NOVEMBER 13, 1841.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE BIRTH OF THE PRINCE OF WALES.
+
+(_By the Observer's own Correspondent._)
+
+It will be seen that we were not premature in announcing the probability
+of the birth of a Prince of Wales; and though it was impossible that any
+one should be able to speak with certainty, our positive tone upon the
+occasion serves to show the exclusive nature of all our intelligence. We
+are enabled now to state that the Prince will immediately take, indeed he
+has already taken, the title of _Prince of Wales_, which it is generally
+understood he will enjoy--at least if a child so young can be said to
+enjoy anything of the kind--until an event shall happen which we hope will
+be postponed for a very protracted period. The Prince of Wales, should he
+survive his mother, will ascend the throne; but whether he will be George
+the Fifth, Albert the First, Henry the Ninth, Charles the Third, or
+Anything the Nothingth, depends upon circumstances we are not at liberty
+to allude to--_at present_; nor do we think we shall be enabled to do so
+in a second edition.
+
+Our suggestion last week, that the royal birth should take place on Lord
+Mayor's Day, has, we are happy to see, been partially attended to; but we
+regret that the whole hog has not been gone, by twins having been
+presented to the anxious nation, so that there might have been a baronetcy
+each for the outgoing and incoming Lord Mayors of Dublin and London.
+Perhaps, however, it might have been attended with difficulty to follow
+our advice to the very letter; but we nevertheless think it might have
+been arranged; though if others think otherwise, we, of course, have
+nothing further to say upon the matter alluded to.
+
+We very much regret to make an announcement, and are glad at being the
+first to do so, though we are sorry to advert to the subject, touching an
+alarming symptom in the Princess Royal. Her Royal Highness, ever since the
+birth of the Prince, whom we think we may now venture to call her brother,
+has suffered from an affection of the nose, which is said to be quite out
+of joint since the royal stranger (for we hope we may take the liberty of
+alluding to the Prince of Wales as a stranger, for he is a stranger to us,
+at least we have never seen him) came into existence.
+
+We hear it on good authority that when the Princess was taken to see her
+brother, Her Royal Highness, who begins to articulate a few sounds,
+exclaimed, "_Tar_!" with unusual emphasis. It is supposed, from this
+simple but affecting circumstance, that the Prince of Wales will
+eventually become _a Tar_, and perhaps regain for his country the
+undisputed dominion of the seas, which, by-the-bye, has not been
+questioned, and probably will not be, in which case the naval attributes
+of His Royal Highness will not be brought into activity.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+FASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE.
+
+Master Smith took an airing on the 5th, accompanied by a Guy Fawkes and a
+very numerous _suite_.  In the evening there was a select circle, and a
+bonfire.
+
+Mr. Baron Nathan and family are still at Kennington. The Baron danced the
+college hornpipe, last Wednesday, on one leg, before a party of private
+friends; and the Honourable Miss Nathan went through the Cracovienne,
+amidst twenty-four coffee-cups and an inverted pitcher, surmounted by a
+very long champagne-glass. Upon inspecting the cups after the graceful
+performance was concluded, there was not a chip upon one of them. The
+champagne glass, though it frequently rattled in its perilous position,
+retained it through the whole of the dance, and was carefully picked up at
+its conclusion by the Baroness, who we were happy to find looking in more
+than her usual health, and enjoying her accustomed spirits.
+
+Bill Bunks has a new feline provisional equipage ready to launch. The body
+is a dark black, and the wheels are of the same rich colour, slightly
+picked out here and there with a chalk stripe. The effect altogether is
+very light and pretty, particularly as the skewers to be used are all new,
+and the board upon which the _ha'porths_ are cut has been recently planed
+with much nicety.
+
+The travelling menagerie at the foot of Waterloo-bridge was visited
+yesterday by several loungers. Amongst the noses poked through the wires
+of the cage, we remarked several belonging to children of the mobility.
+The spirited proprietor has added another mouse to his collection, which
+may now be pronounced the first--speaking, of course, Surreysideically--in
+(entering) London.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SONGS FOR CATARRHS.
+
+"The variable climate of our native land," as Rowland the Minstrel of
+Macassar has elegantly expressed it, like a Roman epicure, deprives our
+nightingales of their tongues, and the melodious denizens of our
+drawing-rooms of their "sweet voices."
+
+Vainly has Crevelli raised a bulwark of lozenges against the Demon of
+Catarrh! Soreness will invade the throat, and noses run in every family,
+seeming to be infected with a sentimental furor for blooming--we presume
+from being so newly blown. We have seen noses chiseled, as it were, from
+an alabaster block, grow in one short day scarlet as our own, as though
+they blushed for the continual trouble they were giving their proprietors;
+whilst the peculiar intonation produced by the conversion of the nasals
+into liquids, and then of the liquids ultimately into mutes, leads to the
+inference that there must be a stoppage about the bridge, and should be
+placarded, like that of Westminster, "No thoroughfare."
+
+It has been generally supposed that St. Cecilia with a cold in her head
+would be incompetent to "Nix my Dolly;" and this erroneous and popular
+prejudice is continually made the excuse for vocal inability during the
+winter months. Now the effect which we have before described upon the
+articulation of the catarrhed would be, in our opinion, so far from
+displeasing, that we feel it would amply compensate for any imperfections
+of tune. For instance, what can be finer than the alteration it would
+produce in the well-known ballad of "Oh no, we never mention her!"--a
+ballad which has almost become wearisome from its sweetness and
+repetition. With a catarrh the words would run thus:--
+
+  "O lo, we lever beltiol her,
+  Her labe is lever heard."
+
+Struck with this modification of sound, PUNCH, anxious to cater _even_ for
+the catarrhs of his subscribers, begs to furnish them with a "_calzolet_,"
+which he trusts will be of more service to harmonic meetings than pectoral
+lozenges and paregoric, as we have anticipated the cold by converting
+every _m_ into _b_, and every _n_ into _l_.
+
+
+A SONG FOR A CATARRH.
+
+  _B_y _B_ary A_ll_e is like the su_l_,
+    Whe_l_ at the daw_l_ it fli_l_gs
+  Its golde_l_ s_b_iles of light upo_l_
+    Earth's gree_l_ and lo_l_ely thi_l_gs.
+  I_l_ vai_l_ I sue, I o_l_ly wi_l_
+    Fro_b_ her a scor_l_ful frow_l_;
+  But soo_l_ as I _b_y prayers begi_l_,
+    She cries O _l_o! bego_l_e.
+  Yes! yes! the burthe_l_ of her so_l_g
+    Is _l_o! _l_o! _l_o! bego_l_e!
+
+  _B_y _B_ary A_ll_e is like the moo_l_,
+    Whe_l_ first her silver shee_l_,
+  Awakes the _l_ighti_l_gale's soft tu_l_e,
+    That else had sile_l_t bee_l_.
+  But _B_ary A_ll_e, like darkest _l_ight,
+    O_l_ be, alas! looks dow_l_;
+  Her s_b_iles o_l_ others bea_b_ their light,
+    Her frow_l_s are all _b_y ow_l_.
+  I've but o_l_e burthe_l_ to _b_y so_l_g--
+   Her frow_l_s are all _b_y ow_l_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"POSSUM UP A GUM TREE!"
+
+A grand gladiatorial tongue-threshing took place lately in a field near
+Paisley, between the two great Chartist champions--Feargus O'Connor and
+the Rev. Mr. Brewster. The subject debated was, Whether is moral or
+physical force the fitter instrument for obtaining the Charter? The Doctor
+espoused the moral hocussing system, and Feargus took up the bludgeon for
+physical force. After a pretty considerable deal of fireworks had been let
+off on both sides, it was agreed to divide the field, when Feargus, waving
+his hat, _ascended into a tree_, and called upon his friends to follow
+him. But, alas! few answered to the summons,--he was left in a miserable
+minority; and the Doctor, as the Yankees say, decidedly "put the critter
+up a tree." Feargus, being a _Radical_, should have kept to the _root_
+instead of venturing into the higher _branches_ of political economy. At
+all events the Doctor, as the Yankees say, "put the critter up a tree,"
+where we calculate he must have looked tarnation ugly. The position was
+peculiarly ill-chosen--for when a fire-and-faggot orator begins to speak
+_trees-on_, it is only natural that his hearers should all take their
+_leaves_!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+AN UNDIVIDED MOIETY.
+
+The _Herald_ gives an account of two persons who were carried off suddenly
+at Lancaster by a paralytic attack _each_. We should have been curious to
+know the result if, instead of an attack _each_, they had had _one between
+them_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE HEIR OF APPLEBITE.
+
+
+CHAPTER IX.
+
+SHOWS THAT DOCTORS DIFFER.
+
+
+[Illustration: H]Having christened his child, Agamemnon felt it to be his
+bounden duty to have him vaccinated; but his wife's mother, with a
+perversity strongly characteristic of the _genus_, strenuously opposed Dr.
+Jenner's plan of repealing the small pox[1], and insisted upon having him
+inoculated. Poor Mrs. Applebite was sorely perplexed between her habitual
+reverence for the opinions of her mama and the dread which she naturally
+felt of converting the face of the infant heir into a plum-pudding.
+Agamemnon had evidently determined to be positive upon this point, and all
+that could be extracted from him was the one word--vaccination!
+
+    [1] Baylis.
+
+To which Mrs. Waddledot replied,
+
+"Vaccination, indeed!--as though the child were a calf! I'm sure and
+certain that the extreme dulness of young people of the present day is
+entirely owing to vaccination--it imbues them with a very stupid portion
+of the animal economy."
+
+As Agamemnon could not understand her, he again ejaculated--"Vaccination!"
+
+"But, my dear," rejoined Mrs. Applebite, "Mama has had so much experience
+that her opinion is worth listening to; I know that you give the
+preference to--"
+
+"Vaccination!" interrupted Collumpsion.
+
+"And so do I; but we have heard of grown-up people--who had always
+considered themselves secure--taking the small pox, dear."
+
+"To be sure we have," chimed in Mrs. Waddledot; "and it's a very dreadful
+thing, after indulgent and tender parents have been at the expense of
+nursing, clothing, physicking, teaching music, dancing, Italian, French,
+geography, drawing, and the use of the globes, to a child, to have it
+carried off because a misguided fondness has insisted upon--"
+
+"Vaccination!" shouted _pater_ Collumpsion.
+
+"Exactly!" continued the "wife's mother." "Now inoculate at once, say I,
+before the child's short-coated."
+
+Agamemnon rose from his seat, and advancing deliberately and solemnly to
+the table at which his wife and his wife's mother were seated, he slowly
+raised his dexter arm above his head, and then, having converted his hand
+into a fist, he dashed his contracted digitals upon the rosewood as though
+he dared not trust himself with more than one word, and that one
+was--"Vaccination!"
+
+Mrs. Waddledot's first impulse was to jump out of her turban, in which she
+would have succeeded had not the mystic rolls of gauze which constituted
+that elaborate head-dress been securely attached to the chestnut "front"
+with which she had sought for some years to cheat the world into a
+forgetfulness of her nativity.
+
+"I was warned of this! I was warned of this!" exclaimed the disarranged
+woman, as soon as she obtained breath enough for utterance. "But I
+wouldn't believe it. I was told that the member for Puddingbury had driven
+one wife to her grave and the other to drinking.--I was told that it would
+run in the family, and that Mr. _A.C._ Applebite would be no better than
+Mr. I. Applebite!"
+
+"Oh! Mama--you really wrong Aggy," exclaimed Theresa.
+
+"It's lucky for you that you think so, my dear. If ever there was an
+ill-used woman, you are that unhappy individual. Oh, that ever--I--should
+live--to see a child of mine--have a child of hers vaccinated against her
+wish!" and here Mrs. Waddledot (as it is emphatically styled) burst into
+tears; not that we mean to imply that she was converted into an explosive
+_jet d'eau_, but we mean that she--she--what shall we say?--she blubbered.
+
+It is really surprising how very sympathetic women are on all occasions of
+weeping, scolding, and scandalising; and accordingly Mrs. Applebite
+"opened the fountains of her eyes," and roared in concert with her mama.
+
+Agamemnon felt that he was an injured man--injured in the tenderest
+point--his character for connubial kindness; and he secretly did what many
+husbands have done openly--he consigned Mrs. Waddledot to the gentleman
+who is always represented as very black, because where he resides there is
+no water to wash with.
+
+At this agonising moment Uncle Peter made his appearance; and as actors
+always play best to a good audience, the weeping ladies continued their
+lachrymose performance with renewed vigour. Uncle Peter was a plain
+man--plain in every meaning of the word; that is to say, he was very ugly
+and very simple; and when we tell you that his face resembled nothing but
+a half-toasted muffin, you can picture to yourself what it must have
+looked like under the influence of surprise; but nevertheless, both
+Agamemnon and the ladies simultaneously determined to make him the
+arbitrator in this very important matter.
+
+"Uncle Peter," said Agamemnon.
+
+"Brother Peter," sobbed Mrs. Waddledot.
+
+"Which are you an advocate for?" hystericised Mrs. Applebite.
+
+"Vaccination or inoculation?" exclaimed everybody _ensemble_.
+
+Now whether Uncle John did clearly understand the drift of the question
+put to him, or whether he conceived that he was solicited to be the
+subject of some benevolent experiments for the advantage of future
+generations, it is certain that no man ever looked more positively
+
+[Illustration: ON THE HORN OF A DILEMMA]
+
+than Uncle Peter. At length the true state of the case was made apparent
+to him; and the conclusion that he arrived at reflects the greatest
+possible credit upon his judgment. He decided, that as the child was a
+divided property, for the sake of peace and quietness, the heir of
+Applebite should be vaccinated in one arm and inoculated in the other.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+FALSE ALARM.
+
+We were paralysed the other day at seeing a paragraph headed "Sibthorpe's
+conversion." Our nose grew pale with terror; our hump heaved with
+agitation. We thought there existed a greater genius than ourselves and
+that some one had discovered that Sibthorp could be converted into
+anything but a Member for Lincoln, and buffoon-in-waiting to the House of
+Commons. We found, however, that it alluded to a Reverend, and not to OUR
+Colonel. Really the newspaper people should be more careful. Such
+startling announcements are little better than
+
+[Illustration: SHEE(A)R CRUELTY.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+DOING THE STATE SOME SERVICE.
+
+During the conflagration of the Tower, it was apprehended at one time that
+the portion of it called the White Tower would have shared the fate of the
+grand store-house,--this was however prevented by hanging _wet blankets_
+around it, in which capacity Peter Borthwick, Mr. Plumtre, Col. Percival,
+and Lord Castlereagh, kindly offered their personal services and were
+found admirably adapted for the purpose.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE GENTLEMAN'S OWN BOOK.
+
+We will now proceed to the consideration of that indispensable adjunct to
+a real gentleman--his purse. This little talisman, though of so much real
+importance, is very limited in the materials of its formation, being
+confined exclusively to silk. It should generally be of net work, very
+sparingly powdered with small beads, and of the most delicate colours,
+such conveying the idea that the fairy fingers of some beauteous friend
+had wove the tiny treasury. We have seen some of party colours, intended
+thereby to distinguish the separate depository of the gold and silver coin
+with which it is (presumed) to be stored. This arrangement we repudiate;
+for a true gentleman should always appear indifferent to the value of
+money, and affect at least an equal contempt for a sovereign as a
+shilling. We prefer having the meshes of the purse rather large than
+otherwise, as whenever it is necessary--mind, we say necessary--to exhibit
+it, the glittering contents shining through the interstices are never an
+unpleasing object of contemplation.
+
+The purse should be used at the card-table; but never produced unless you
+are called upon as a loser to _pay_. It may then be resorted to with an
+air of _nonchalance;_ and when the demand upon it has been honoured, it
+should be thrown carelessly upon the table, as though to indicate your
+_almost_ anxiety to make a further sacrifice of its contents. Should you,
+however, be a winner, any exhibition of the purse might be construed into
+an unseemly desire of "welling," or securing your gains, which of course
+must always be a matter of perfect indifference to you; and whatever
+advantages you obtain from chance or skill should be made obvious to every
+one are only destined to enrich your valet, or be beneficially expended in
+the refreshment of cabmen and ladies of faded virtue. In order to convey
+these intentions more conspicuously, should the result of an evening be in
+your favour, your winnings should be consigned to your waistcoat pocket;
+and if you have any particular desire to heighten the effect, a piece of
+moderate value may be left on the table.
+
+[Illustration: A GENTLEMAN TAKING A FIRST FLOOR]
+
+cannot do better than find an excuse for a recurrence to his purse; and
+then the partial exhibition of the coin alluded to above will be found to
+be productive of a feeling most decidedly confirmatory in the mind of the
+landlady that you are a true gentleman.
+
+The same cause will produce the same effect with a tradesman whose
+album--we beg pardon, whose ledger--you intend honouring with your name.
+
+You should never display your purse to a poor friend or dependant, or the
+sight of it might not only stimulate their cupidity, or raise their
+expectations to an inordinate height, but prevent you from escaping with a
+moderate _douceur_ by "the kind manner in which you slipped a sovereign
+into their hand at parting."
+
+A servant should never be rewarded from a purse; it makes the fellows
+discontented; for if they see gold, they are never satisfied with a
+shilling and "I must see what can be done for you, James."
+
+Should you be fortunate enough to break a policeman's head, or drive over
+an old woman, you will find that your purse will not only add to the
+_eclat_ of the transaction, but most materially assist the magistrate
+before whom you may be taken in determining that the case is very
+trifling, and that a fine of 5s. will amply excuse you from the effects of
+that polite epidemic known _vulgo_ as drunkenness. There cannot be a
+greater proof of the advantages of a purse than the preceding instance,
+for we have known numerous cases in which the symptoms have been precisely
+the same, but the treatment diametrically opposite, owing to the absence
+of that incontrovertible evidence to character--the purse.
+
+None but a _parvenu_ would carry his money loose; and we know of nothing
+more certain to ensure an early delivery of your small account than being
+detected by a creditor in the act of hunting a sovereign into the corner
+of your pocket.
+
+We have known tailors, bootmakers, hatters, hosiers,
+livery-stable-keepers, &c., grow remarkably noisy when refused assistance
+to meet heavy payments, which are continually coming due at most
+inconvenient seasons; and when repeated denials have failed to silence
+them, the _exhibition only_ of the purse has procured the desired
+effect,--we presume, by inspiring the idea that you have the means to pay,
+but are eccentric in your views of credit--thus producing with the most
+importunate dun
+
+[Illustration: A BRILLIANT TERMINATION.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+TREMENDOUS FAILURE.
+
+The Editors present their compliments to their innumerable subscribers,
+and beg to say that, being particularly hard up for a joke, they trust
+that they will accept of the following as an evidence of
+
+[Illustration: GETTING UNDER WHEY.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A THOROUGH DRAUGHT.
+
+The extreme proficiency displayed by certain parties in drawing spurious
+exchequer-bills has induced them to issue proposals for setting up an
+opposition exchequer office, where bills may be drawn on the shortest
+notice. As this establishment is to be cunningly united to the Art-Union
+in Somerset-House, the whole art of forgery may be there learned in six
+lessons. The manufacture of exchequer-bills will be carried on in every
+department, from printing the forms to imitating the signatures; in short,
+the whole art of
+
+[Illustration: DRAWING TAUGHT.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE O'CONNELL PAPERS.
+
+OUR EXTRAORDINARY AND EXCLUSIVE CORRESPONDENCE.
+
+We have been favoured by the transmission of the following singular
+correspondence by the new Mayor of Dublin's private secretary. We hasten
+to lay the interesting documents before our readers, though we must
+decline incurring the extreme responsibility of advising which offer it
+would be most advantageous for Mr. O'Connell to accept.
+
+
+LETTER I.
+
+SIR,--I am requested by the management of the Royal Surrey Theatre to
+negotiate with you for a few nights' performance in a local drama, which
+shall be written for the occasion, and in which you are requested to
+represent the Civic dignitary in the identical robes which have become
+immortalised by your wearing. Mr. Dibdin Pitt is of opinion that something
+might be done with "Whittington and his Cat," merely transferring the
+scene from London to Dublin; and, as he hears your county is highly
+celebrated for the peculiar breed, sending to Ireland for one of the
+esteemed "Kilkenny species," which would give a greater reality to the
+_dramatis personae_ and feline adjunct. This is a mere suggestion, as any
+other subject you may prefer--such as the Rebellion of '98, Donnybrook
+Fair, the Interior of the Irish Mansion House, or the House of Commons,
+can be rendered equally effective. I beg to call your attention to the
+fact that you shall have a clear stage and every advantage, as Mr. N.T.
+Hicks will be left out of the cast altogether, or else play a very small
+dumb villain; so that you need not fear losing your oratorical reputation
+by being out-shouted. Should you feel disposed to accept the terms, one
+clear half the nightly receipt, pray forward an answer by return, that we
+may get out a woodcut of the small-clothes, and underline the identical
+stockings.
+
+I have the honour to be,
+
+Your obedient servant,
+
+BEN. FAIRBROTHER.
+
+_D. O'Connell, Esq._
+
+
+_T.R.D.L._
+
+SIR,--The intense interest created in the bosoms of mankind in general by
+the graphic account of your splendid appearance and astounding performance
+of the arduous character of the Lord Mayor of Dublin, induces Mr. W.C.
+Macready to make you an offer of engagement for the performance of
+Shakspere's heroic functionary in the forthcoming revival of Richard the
+Third, which is about to be produced under his classic management at the
+Theatre Royal Drury-lane, Mr. W.C. Macready offers to replace the breeches
+if cracked in stooping; also, to guarantee a liberal allowance of
+hair-powder to fall from the wig, and make the usual effective and
+dignified huge point while the Mayor is bowing to the king. An early
+answer will oblige your obedient servant,
+
+T.J. SERLE.
+
+P.S. Can you bring your own Aldermen, as we are anxious to do it with the
+
+[Illustration: MAYOR (MARE) AND CORPORATION.]
+
+P.P.S.--Think of the fame and the twelve-sheet posters, and be moderate.
+
+
+_Theatre Royal, Adelphi._
+
+DEAR DAN,--The Adelphi is open to you and your robes. Couldn't we do
+something with a hero from Blarney, and let you be discovered licking the
+stone, amid tableaux, blue fire, and myriads of nymph-like Kate Kearneys?
+Or would you prefer an allegory, yourself a Merman, or the Genius of
+Ireland, distributing real whiskey-and-water from the tank, which shall be
+filled with grog for that purpose. Think it over.
+
+Truly yours,
+
+F. YATES.
+
+_D. O'Connell, Esq. &c. &c. &c._
+
+
+_Theatre Royal, Haymarket._
+
+Mr. Webster presents his compliments to Daniel O'Connell, Esq., Mayor and
+M.P., and begs to suggest, as the "Rent Day" was originally produced at
+his theatre, it will be an excellent field for any further dramatic
+attempt of Mr. D. O'C. A line from Mr. D. O'C. will induce Mr. B.W. to put
+the drama in rehearsal.
+
+"_D. O'Connell, Esq. &c. &c._"
+
+
+_Royal Victoria._
+
+Sir,--As sole lessee of the Royal Victoria I shall be happy to engage you
+to appear in costume, in the Mayor of Garratt, or, for the sake of the
+name Mayor, any other Mayor you like. If you think all the old ones too
+stupid, we can look upon something new, and preserve the title. You shall
+be supported by Miss Vincent and Susan Hopley, with two murders by Messrs.
+Dale and Saville in the after-piece. Awaiting your reply, I remain
+
+Your obedient servant,
+
+D.W. OSBALDISTON.
+
+_D. O'Connell, Esq._
+
+
+_Royal Pavilion Theatre._
+
+SIR,--If you mean to come on the stage, come to me. I know what suits the
+public. If you can't come yourself, send your cocked hat, and Mrs. Denvil
+shall dramatise it. We have a carpenter of your name; we can gag him and
+gammon the public, as follows:--
+
+IMMENSE ATTRACTION!
+
+SCENERY MOVED BY
+
+O'CONNELL;
+
+FIRST APPEARANCE OF THE
+
+GREAT  AGITATOR!!!
+
+"REAL COCKED HAT."
+
+Yours, &c.
+
+HY. DENVIL.
+
+
+_Garrick Theatre._
+
+SIR,--We should be proud to avail ourselves of your professional services
+to do a little in the domestic and appalling murder line; but our forte is
+ballet or pantomime; perhaps, as you have your own silk tights, the latter
+department might suit you best. Our artist is considered very great, and
+shall convert our "Jim Along Josey" wood-cuts into your portrait. We will
+also pledge ourselves to procure an illuminated cocked hat. An early
+answer, stating terms, will oblige
+
+Your obedient Servants,
+
+GOMERSAL AND CONQUEST.
+
+_D. O'Connell, Esq._
+
+
+_T.R. Sadler's Wells._
+
+SIR,--Understanding you are about to figure publicly and professionally in
+London, may I draw your attention to my unique establishment. I can offer
+you an excellent engagement as the figure-head of a vessel about to be
+produced in a new nautical drama. It is at present called "The Shark and
+the Alligator," but may be altered with equal effect to "The Mayor and the
+Agitator." Begging a reply,
+
+I remain, Sir,
+
+Your's obediently,
+
+ROBERT HONNER.
+
+_D. O'Connell, Esq._
+
+P.S. Do you do anything in the hornpipe line?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A PAEAN FOR DAN.
+
+BY ONE OF THE "FINEST PISANTRY IN THE WORLD."
+
+We have received the following genuine "Irish version" of a scene from and
+for the times, from our own peculiar and poetic correspondent:--
+
+      "DEAR PUNCH,--
+          I beg pardon that yoursilf I'm now troublin,
+  But I must let you know what I just seen in Dublin;
+  There Daniel O'Connell,--Mayor and great agitator,--
+  Has been making a Judy of himself, the poor unhappy cratur.
+  At his time of life, too! tare and ounds its mighty shocking!
+  He shoved ach of his big legs into a span bran new silk stocking:
+  How the divil them calves by any manes was thrust in,
+  Is a mistery to ev'ry one, without them black silks busting.
+  And instead of a dacent trousers hanging to his suspenders,
+  He has button'd-up one-half of him in a pair of short knee-enders.
+  Now, Punch, on your oath, did you ever hear the likes o' that?
+  But oh, houly Paul, if you only seen his big cock'd hat,
+  Stuck up on the top of his jazy;--a mighty illegant thatch,
+  With hair like young Deaf Burke's, all rushing up to the scratch,
+  You must have been divarted; and, Jewil, then he wore
+  A thund'ring big Taglioni-cut purple velvet _roquelore_.
+  And who but Misther Dan cut it fat in all his pride,
+  Cover'd over with white favors, like a gentle blushing bride;
+  And wasn't he follow'd by all the blackguards for his tail,
+  Shouting out for their lives, 'Success to Dan O'Connell and Rapale.'
+  But the Old Corporation has behaved mighty low and mane,
+  As they wouldn't lend him the loan of the ancient raal goold chain,
+  Nor the collar; as they said they thought (divil burn 'em),
+  If they'd done so, it was probable Dan never would return 'em.
+  But, good-bye, I must be off,--he's gone to take the chair!
+  So my love to Mrs. Punch, and no more about the Mayor."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH'S PAEAN TO THE PRINCELET.
+
+  Huzza! we've a little prince at last,
+    A roaring Royal boy;
+  And all day long the booming bells
+    Have rung their peals of joy.
+  And the little park-guns have blazed away,
+    And made a tremendous noise,
+  Whilst the air hath been fill'd since eleven o'clock
+    With the shouts of little boys;
+  And we have taken our little bell,
+  And rattled and laugh'd, and sang as well,
+       Roo-too-tooit! Shallabella!
+       Life to the Prince! Fallalderalla!
+
+  Our little Prince will be daintily swathed,
+    And laid on a bed of down,
+  Whilst his cradle will stand 'neath a canopy
+    That is deck'd with a golden crown.
+  O, we trust when his Queenly Mother sees
+    Her Princely boy at rest,
+  She will think of the helpless pauper babe
+    That lies at a milkless breast!
+  And then we will rattle our little bell.
+  And shout and laugh, and sing as well--
+       Roo-too-tooit! Shallabella!
+       Life to the Prince! Fallalderalla!
+
+  Our little Prince, we have not a doubt,
+    Has set up a little cry;
+  But a dozen sweet voices were there to soothe,
+    And sing him a lullaby.
+  We wonder much if a voice so small
+    Could reach our loved Monarch's ear;
+  If so, she said "God bless the poor!
+    Who cry and have no one near."
+  So then we will rattle our little bell,
+  And shout and laugh, and sing as well--
+       Roo-too-tooit! Shallabella!
+       Life to the Prince! Fallalderalla!
+
+  Our little Prince (though he heard them not)
+    Hath been greeted with honied words,
+  And his cheeks have been fondled to win a smile
+    By the Privy Council Lords.
+  Will he trust the "charmer" in after years,
+    And deem he is more than man?
+  Or will he feel that he's but a speck
+    In creation's mighty plan?
+  Let us hope the best, and rattle our bell,
+  And shout and laugh, and sing as well--
+       Roo-too-tooit! Shallabella!
+       Life to the Prince! Fallalderalla!
+
+  Our little Prince, when be grows a boy,
+    Will be taught by men of lore,
+  From the "dusty tome" of the ancient sage,
+    As Kings have been taught before.
+  But will there be _one_ good, true man near,
+    To tutor the infant heart?
+  To tell him the world was made for all,
+    And the poor man claims his part?
+  We trust there will; so we'll rattle our bell,
+  And shout and laugh, and sing as well--
+       Roo-too-tooit! Shallabella!
+       Life to the Prince! Fallalderalla!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A CON-CONSTITUTIONAL.
+
+Why is the little Prince of Wales like the 11th Hussars?--Because it is
+Prince Albert's own.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+HARD TO REMEMBER.
+
+Lord Monteagle, on being shown one of the Exchequer Bills, supposed to
+have been forged, declared that he did not know if the signature attached
+to it was his handwriting or not. We do not feel surprised at this--his
+Lordship has put his hand to so many jobs that it would be impossible he
+could remember every one of them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE CROPS.
+
+A most unfounded report of the approaching demise of Colonel Sibthorp
+reached town early last week. Our Leicester correspondent has, however,
+furnished us with the following correct particulars, which will be read
+with pleasure by those interested in the luxuriant state of the gallant
+orator's crops. The truth is, he was seen to enter a hair-dresser's shop,
+and it got about amongst the breathless crowd which soon collected, that
+the imposing _toupee_, the enchanting whiskers that are the pride of the
+county, were to be cropped! This mistake was unhappily removed to give
+place to a more fatal one; for instead of submitting to the shears, the
+venerable joker bought a paper of _poudre unique_, from which arose the
+appalling report that he was about to _dye_!
+
+Our kind friend the indefatigable "correspondent" of the _Observer_,
+informs us from authority upon which every reliance may be placed, that
+Mr. Grant, the indefatigable statist and author of "Lights and Shadows of
+London Life," is now patiently engaged in researches of overwhelming
+importance to the public. He will, in his next edition of the above-named
+work, be enabled to state from personal inquiry, how many ladies residing
+within a circuit of ten miles round London wear false fronts, with the
+colours respectively of their real and their artificial hair, together
+with the number of times per year the latter are dressed. Besides this,
+this untiring author has called at every hairdresser's in the London
+Directory, to ascertain the number of times per quarter each customer has
+his hair cut, with the quantity and length denuded. From these materials a
+result will be drawn up, showing the average duration of crops; and also
+how far the hair-cuttings of every day in London would reach, if each hair
+were joined together and placed somewhere, so as to go--when enough is
+collected--round the world.
+
+The _Morning Herald_ of Monday informs us, that the King of Hanover has
+passed a law to regulate the crops not only of the army, but of those in
+the civil employ of government. The moustaches of the former are to be, we
+hear, exact copies of those sported by Muntz. The hair is to be cut close,
+so as to be woven into regulation whiskers for those to whom nature has
+denied them. The pattern whisker was lately submitted by Mr. Truefit, who
+is to be the army contractor for the same. It curls over the cheek, and
+meets the moustaches at the corners of the mouth.
+
+In consequence of this measure, large sales in bear's grease were made by
+the Russian merchants on 'Change yesterday for the German markets. A
+consequent rise in this species of manure took place; this will, it is
+feared, have a bad effect upon the British crops, which have already
+assumed a dry and languid appearance.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+ELIGIBLE INVESTMENTS!--SPLENDID OPPORTUNITY!--UNRIVALLED BARGAINS!
+
+EXTRAORDINARY SALE OF UNREDEEMED PLEDGES.
+
+MESSRS. MACHIN and DEBENHAM respectfully inform the particularly curious,
+and the public in general, they have the honor to announce the unreserved
+sale of the following particularly and unprecedentedly attractive
+Unredeemed Pledges.
+
+N.B.--The auction duty to be paid by the purchasers,--if not, the inmates
+of St. Luke's have offered to subscribe for their liquidation.
+
+
+LOT I.
+
+A perfect collection of the original speeches of Sir Francis
+Burdett--previous to his visit to the Tower; his fulminations issued from
+the same; and a catalogue of the _unredeemed_ pledges made to the electors
+of Westminster, and originally taken in by them--a compliment very
+handsomely returned by the honourable Baronet, who kindly took his
+constituents in in return. Very curious, though much dogs-eared, thumbed,
+and as far as the author's name goes, totally erased.
+
+
+LOT II.
+
+A visionary pedigree and imaginative genealogical account of Roebuck's
+ancestors--commencing in the year 1801, and carefully brought down to the
+present time. Very elaborate, but rather doubtful.
+
+
+LOT III.
+
+A full account of Wakley's parliamentary ratting, or political felo-de-se;
+beautifully authenticated by his late Finsbury electors--with sundry cuts
+by his former friends.
+
+
+LOT IV.
+
+An extraordinary large batch of uncommonly cheap bread, manufactured by
+one John Russell. A beautiful electioneering and imaginative production,
+though now rather stale.
+
+
+LOT V.
+
+A future contract for the continuance of the poor-laws, and the right of
+pumps for the guardians to concoct the soup.
+
+N.B. Filters used if too strong.
+
+
+LOT VI.
+
+Daniel O'Connell's opinions upon the repeal of the union, now that he is
+Lord Mayor of Dublin: to be sold without reserve to the highest bidder.
+
+The whole of the above are submitted to the public, in the sincere hope of
+their meeting purchasers--as the price is all that is wanting to ensure a
+_bona  fide_ sale. No catalogues--no particulars--no guarantees--no
+deductions--and no money returned.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SIR PETER LAURIE ON HUMAN LIFE.
+
+Sir PETER LAURIE has set his awful face against suicide! He will in no way
+"encourage" _felo-de-se_. Fatal as this aldermanic determination may be to
+the interests of the shareholders of Waterloo, Vauxhall, and Southwark
+Bridges, Sir PETER has resolved that no man--not even in the suicidal
+season of November--shall drown, hang, or otherwise destroy himself, under
+any pretence soever! Sir PETER, with a very proper admiration of the
+pleasures of life, philosophises with a full stomach on the ignorance and
+wickedness of empty-bellied humanity; and Mr. HOBLER--albeit in the
+present case the word is not reported--doubtless cried "Amen!" to the
+wisdom of the alderman. Sir PETER henceforth stands sentinel at the gate
+of death, and any hungry pauper who shall recklessly attempt to touch the
+knocker, will be sentenced to "the treadmill for a month as a rogue and
+vagabond!"
+
+One _William Simmons_, a starving tailor, in a perishing condition,
+attempts to cut his throat. He inflicts upon himself a wound which, "under
+the immediate assistance of the surgeon of the Compter," is soon healed;
+and the offender being convalescent, is doomed to undergo the cutting
+wisdom of Sir PETER LAURIE. Hear the alderman "Don't you know _that that
+sort_ of murder (suicide) _is as bad as any other?_" If such be the
+case--and we would as soon doubt the testimony of Balaam's quadruped as
+Sir PETER--we can only say, that the law has most shamefully neglected to
+provide a sufficing punishment for the enormity. Sir PETER speaks with the
+humility of true wisdom, or he would never have valued his own throat for
+instance--that throat enriched by rivulets of turtle soup, by streams of
+city wine and city gravies--at no more than the throat of a hungry tailor.
+There never in our opinion was a greater discrepancy of windpipe. Sir
+PETER'S throat is the organ of wisdom--whilst the tailor's throat, by the
+very fact of his utter want of food, is to him an annoying superfluity.
+And yet, says Sir PETER by inference, "It is _as bad_, William Simmons, to
+cut your own throat, as to cut mine!" If true Modesty have left other
+public bodies, certainly she is to be found in the court of aldermen.
+
+Sir PETER proceeds to discourse of the mysteries of life and death in a
+manner that shows that the executions of his shrievalty were not lost upon
+his comprehensive spirit. Suicides, however, have engaged his special
+consideration; for he says--
+
+    "Suicides and attempts, or apparent attempts, to commit suicide,
+    very much increase, I regret to say. _I know that a morbid
+    humanity exists_, and does much mischief as regards the
+    practice. _I shall not encourage attempts of the kind_, but
+    shall punish them; and I sentence you to the treadmill for a
+    month, as a rogue and vagabond. I shall look _very narrowly at
+    the cases_ of persons brought before me on such charges."
+
+Sir PETER has, very justly, no compassion for the famishing wretch stung
+and goaded "to jump the life to come." Why should he? Sir PETER is of that
+happy class of men who have found this life too good a thing to leave.
+"They call this world a bad world," says ROTHSCHILD on a certain occasion;
+"for my part, I do not know of a better." And ROTHSCHILD was even a
+greater authority than Sir PETER LAURIE on the paradise of L s. d.
+
+The vice of the day--"a morbid humanity" towards the would-be suicide--is,
+happily, doomed. Sir PETER LAURIE refuses to patronise any effort at
+self-slaughter; and, moreover, threatens to "look very narrowly at the
+cases" of those despairing fools who may be caught in the attempt. It
+would here be well for Sir PETER to inform the suicidal part of the public
+what amount of desperation is likely to satisfy him as to the genuineness
+of the misery suffered. _William Simmons_ cuts a gash in his throat; the
+Alderman is not satisfied with this, but having looked very narrowly into
+the wound, declares it to be a proper case for the treadmill. We can well
+believe that an impostor trading on the morbid humanity of the times--and
+there is a greater stroke of business done in the article than even the
+sagacity of a LAURIE can imagine--may, in this cold weather, venture an
+immersion in the Thames or Serpentine, making the plunge with a
+declaratory scream, the better to extract practical compassion from the
+pockets of a morbidly humane society; we can believe this, Sir PETER, and
+feel no more for the trickster than if our heart were made of the best
+contract saddle-leather; but we confess a cut-throat staggers us; we fear,
+with all our caution, we should be converted to a belief in misery by a
+gash near the windpipe. Sir PETER, however, with his enlarged mind,
+professes himself determined to probe the wound--to look narrowly into its
+depth, breadth, and length, and to prescribe the treadmill, according to
+the condition of the patient! Had the cautious Sir PETER been in the kilt
+of his countryman _Macbeth_, he would never have exhibited an "admired
+disorder" on the appearance of _Banquo_ with his larynx severed in two;
+not he--he would have called the wound a slight scratch, having narrowly
+looked into it, and immediately ordered the ghost to the guard-house.
+
+The Duke of WELLINGTON, who has probably seen as many wounds as Sir PETER
+LAURIE, judging the case, would, by his own admission, have inflicted the
+same sentence upon the tailor _Simmons_ as that fulminated by the
+Alderman. ARTHUR and PETER would, doubtless, have been of one accord,
+_Simmons_ avowed himself to be starving. Now, in this happy land--in this
+better Arcadia--every man who wants food is proved by such want an idler
+or a drunkard. The victor of Waterloo--the tutelary wisdom of England's
+counsels--has, in the solemnity of his Parliamentary authority, declared
+as much. Therefore it is most right that the lazy, profligate tailor, with
+a scar in his throat, should mount the revolving wheel for one month, to
+meditate upon the wisdom of Dukes and the judgments of Aldermen!
+
+We no more thought of dedicating a whole page to one Sir PETER LAURIE,
+than the zoological Mr. CROSS would think of devoting an acre of his
+gardens to one ass, simply because it happened to be the largest known
+specimen of the species. But, without knowing it, Sir PETER has given a
+fine illustration of the besetting selfishness of the times. Had LAURIE
+been born to hide his ears in a coronet, he could not have more strongly
+displayed the social insensibility of the day. The prosperous saddler, and
+the wretched, woe-begone tailor, are admirable types of the giant
+arrogance that dominates--of the misery that suffers.
+
+There is nothing more talked of with less consideration of its meaning and
+relative value than--Life. Has it not a thousand different definitions? Is
+it the same thing to two different men?
+
+Ask the man of independent wealth and sound body to paint Life, and what a
+very pretty picture he will lay before you. He lives in another
+world--has, as _Sir Anthony Absolute_ says, a sun and moon of his own--a
+realm of fairies, with attending sprites to perform his every compassable
+wish. To him life is a most musical monosyllable; making his heart dance,
+and thrilling every nerve with its so-potent harmony. Life--but especially
+his life--is, indeed, a sacred thing to him; and loud and deep are his
+praises of its miracles. Like the departed ROTHSCHILD, "he does not know a
+better;" certain we are, he is in no indecent haste to seek it.
+
+Demand of the prosperous man of trade--of the man of funds, and houses,
+and land, acquired by successful projects--what is Life? He will try to
+call up a philosophic look, and passing his chin through his hand--(there
+is a brilliant on his little finger worth at least fifty guineas)--he will
+answer, "Life, sir--Life has its ups and downs; but taken altogether, for
+my part, I think a man a great sinner, a very great sinner, who doesn't
+look upon life as a very pretty thing. But don't let's talk of such dry
+stuff--take off your glass--hang it!--no heel-taps."
+
+Ask another, whose whole soul, like a Ready Reckoner, is composed of
+figures,--what is Life? He, perhaps, will answer, "Why, sir, Life--if you
+insure at our office--is worth more than at any other establishment. We
+divide profits, and the rate of insurance decreases in proportion," &c.
+&c.; and thus you will have Life valued, by the man who sees nothing in it
+but a privilege to get money, as the merest article of commercial stock.
+
+Inquire of many an Alderman what is Life? He will tell you that it is a
+fine, dignified, full-bellied, purple-faced creature, in a furred and
+violet-coloured gown. "Life," he will say, "always has its pleasures; but
+its day of great delight is the Ninth of November. Life, however, is
+especially agreeable in swan-hopping season, when white-bait abounds at
+Blackwall and Greenwich, and when the Lord Mayor gives his Easter-ball;
+and 'keeps up the hospitalities of his high office.'" Not, however, that
+life is without its graver duties--its religious observations. Oh, no! it
+is the duty of well-to-do Life to punish starving men for forgetting its
+surpassing loveliness--it is a high obligation of Life to go to church in
+a carriage, and confess itself a miserable sinner--it is the duty of Life
+to read its bible; and then the Alderman, to show that he is well versed
+in the volume, quotes a passage--"when the voice of the turtle is heard in
+the land."
+
+Now ask the Paisley weaver what is Life? Bid the famine-stricken
+multitudes of Bolton to describe with their white lips the surpassing
+beauty of human existence. Can it be possible that the glorious
+presence--the beneficent genius that casts its blessings in the paths of
+other men--is such an ogre, a fiend, to the poor? Alas! is he not a daily
+tyrant, scourging with meanest wants--a creature that, with all its bounty
+to others, is to the poor and destitute more terrible than Death? Let
+Comfort paint a portrait of Life, and now Penury take the pencil. "Pooh!
+pooh!" cry the sage LAURIES of the world, looking at the two
+pictures--"that scoundrel Penury has drawn an infamous libel. _That_ Life!
+with that withered face, sunken eye, and shrivelled lip; and what is
+worse, with a suicidal scar in its throat! _That_ Life! The painter Penury
+is committed for a month as a rogue and vagabond. We shall look very
+narrowly into these cases."
+
+We agree with the profound Sir PETER LAURIE that it is a most wicked, a
+most foolish act of the poor man to end his misery by suicide. But we
+think there is a better remedy for such desperation than the tread-mill.
+The surest way for the rich and powerful of the world to make the poor man
+more careful of his life is to render it of greater value to him.
+
+Q.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH'S PENCILLINGS.--No. XVIII.
+
+[Illustrations: POLITICAL THEATRICALS EXTRAORDINARY.
+
+    NORMA.
+
+    NORMA  (the Deserted)       LORD MELBOURNE.
+    ADALGISA (the Seductive)    SIR R. PEEL.
+    POLLIO (the Faithless)      MR. WAKLEY.
+    CHILDREN                    MASTERS RUSSELL & MORPETH.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE PHYSIOLOGY OF THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT.
+
+7.--OF VARIOUS OTHER DIVERTING MATTERS CONNECTED WITH GRINDING.
+
+
+[Illustration: F]From experience we are aware that the invention of the
+useful species of phrenotypics, alluded to in our last chapter, does not
+rest with the grinder alone. We once knew a medical student (and many even
+now at the London hospitals will recollect his name without mentioning
+it), who, when he was grinding for the Hall, being naturally of a
+melodious and harmonic disposition, conceived the idea of learning the
+whole of his practice of physic by setting a description of the diseases
+to music. He had a song of some hundred and twenty verses, which he called
+"The Poetry of Steggall's Manual;" and this he put to the tune of the
+"Good Old Days of Adam and Eve." We deeply lament that we cannot produce
+the whole of this lyrical pathological curiosity. Two verses, however,
+linger on our memory, and these we have written down, requesting that they
+may be said or sung to the air above-mentioned, and dedicating them to the
+gentlemen who are going up next Thursday evening. They relate to the
+symptoms, treatment, and causes of Haemoptysis and Haematemesis; which
+terms respectively imply, for the benefit of the million unprofessional
+readers who weekly gasp for our fresh number, a spitting of blood from the
+lungs and a vomiting of ditto from the stomach. The song was composed of
+stanzas similar to those which follow, except the portion relating to
+_Diseases of the Brain_, which was more appropriately separated into the
+old English division of _Fyttes_.
+
+HAEMOPTYSIS.
+
+  A sensation of weight and oppression at the chest, sirs;
+  With tickling at the larynx, which scarcely gives you rest, sirs;
+  Full hard pulse, salt taste, and tongue very white, sirs;
+  And blood brought up in coughing, of colour very bright, sirs.
+  It depends on causes three--the first's exhalation;
+  The next a ruptured artery--the third, ulceration.
+  In treatment we may bleed, keep the patient cool and quiet,
+  Acid drinks, digitalis, and attend to a mild diet.
+        Sing hey, sing ho, we do not grieve
+        When this formidable illness takes its leave.
+
+
+HAEMATEMESIS.
+
+  Clotted blood is thrown up, in colour very black, sirs,
+  And generally sudden, as it comes up in a crack, sirs.
+  It's preceded at the stomach by a weighty sensation;
+  But nothing appears ruptured upon examination.
+  It differs from the last, by the particles thrown off, sirs,
+  Being denser, deeper-coloured, and without a bit of cough, sirs.
+  In plethoric habits bleed, and some acid draughts pour in, gents,
+  With Oleum Terebinthinae (small doses) and astringents.
+        Sing hey, sing ho; if you think the lesion spacious,
+        The Acetate of Lead is found very efficacious.
+
+Thus, in a few lines a great deal of valuable professional information is
+conveyed, at the same time that the tedium of much study is relieved by
+the harmony. If poetry is yet to be found in our hospitals--a queer place
+certainly for her to dwell, unless in her present feeble state the
+frequenters of Parnassus have subscribed to give her an in-patient's
+ticket--we trust that some able hand will continue this subject for the
+benefit of medical students generally; for, we repeat, it is much to be
+regretted that no more of this valuable production remains to us than the
+portion which Punch has just immortalized, and set forth as an apt example
+for cheering the pursuit of knowledge under difficulties. The gifted hand
+who arranged this might have turned Cooper's First Lines of Surgery into a
+tragedy; Dr. Copeland's Medical Dictionary into a domestic melodrama, with
+long intervals between the acts; and the Pharmacopoeia into a light
+one-act farce. It strikes us if the theatres could enter into an
+arrangement with the Borough Hospitals to supply an amputation every
+evening as the finishing _coup_ to an act, it would draw immensely when
+other means failed to attract.
+
+The last time we heard this poem was at an harmonic meeting of medical
+students, within twenty shells' length of the ---- School dissecting-room.
+It was truly delightful to see these young men snatching a few Anacreontic
+hours from their harassing professional occupations. At the time we heard
+it, the singer was slightly overcome by excitement and tight boots; and,
+at length, being prevailed upon to remove the obnoxious understandings,
+they were passed round the table to be admired, and eventually returned to
+their owner, filled with half-and-half, cigar-ashes, broken pipes,
+bread-crusts, and gin-and-water. This was a jocular pleasantry, which only
+the hilarious mind of a medical student could have conceived.
+
+As the day of examination approaches, the economy of our friend undergoes
+a complete transformation, but in an inverse entomological
+progression--changing from the butterfly into the chrysalis. He is seldom
+seen at the hospitals, dividing the whole of his time between the grinder
+and his lodgings; taking innumerable notes at one place, and endeavouring
+to decipher them at the other. Those who have called upon him at this
+trying period have found him in an old shooting-jacket and slippers,
+seated at a table, and surrounded by every book that was ever written upon
+every medical subject that was ever discussed, all of which he appears to
+be reading at once--with little pieces of paper strewn all over the room,
+covered with strange hieroglyphics and extraordinary diagrams of chemical
+decompositions. His brain is just as full of temporary information as a
+bad egg is of sulphuretted hydrogen; and it is a fortunate provision of
+nature that the _dura mater_ is of a tough fibrous texture--were it not
+for this safeguard, the whole mass would undoubtedly go off at once like a
+too tightly-rammed rocket. He is conscious of this himself, from the
+grinding information wherein he has been taught that the brain has three
+coverings, in the following order:--the _dura mater_, or Chesterfield
+overall; the _tunica arachnoidea_, or "dress coat of fine Saxony cloth;"
+and, in immediate contact, the _pia mater_, or five-and-sixpenny long
+cloth shirt with linen wristbands and fronts. This is a brilliant specimen
+of the helps to memory which the grinder affords, as splendid in its
+arrangement as the topographical methods of calling to mind the course of
+the large arteries, which define the abdominal aorta as Cheapside, its two
+common iliac branches, as Newgate-street and St. Paul's Churchyard, and
+the medio sacralis given off between them, as Paternoster-row.
+
+Time goes on, bringing the fated hour nearer and nearer; and the student's
+assiduity knows no bounds. He reads his subjects over and over again, to
+keep them fresh in his memory, like little boys at school, who try to
+catch a last bird's-eye glance of their book before they give it into the
+usher's hands to say by heart. He now feels a deep interest in the
+statistics of the Hall, and is horrified at hearing that "nine men out of
+thirteen were sent back last Thursday!" The subjects, too, that they were
+rejected upon frighten him just as much. One was plucked upon his anatomy;
+another, because he could not tell the difference between a daisy and a
+chamomile; and a third, after "being in" three hours and a quarter, was
+sent back, for his inability to explain the process of making malt from
+barley,--an operation, whose final use he so well understands, although
+the preparation somewhat bothered him. And thus, funking at the rejection
+of a clever man, or marvelling at the success of an acknowledged
+fool--determining to take prussic acid in the event of being
+refused--reading fourteen hours a day--and keeping awake by the combined
+influence of snuff and coffee--the student finds his first ordeal approach.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+TRUE ECONOMY.
+
+Peter Borthwick experienced a sad disappointment lately. Having applied to
+the City Chamberlain for the situation of Lord Mayor's fool, he was told
+that the Corporation, in a true spirit of economy, had decided upon
+dividing the duties amongst themselves. Peter was--but we were
+not--surprised that between the Aldermen and tom-foolery there should
+exist
+
+[Illustration: A STRONG ATTACHMENT.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE LORD MAYOR'S FOOL.
+
+We are happy in being able to announce that it is the intention of the new
+potentate of Guildhall to revive the ancient and honourable office of
+"Lord Mayor's Fool." A number of candidates have already offered
+themselves, whose qualifications for the situation are so equally
+balanced, that it is a matter of no small difficulty to decide amongst
+them. The Light of the City has, we understand, called in Gog and
+Magog--Sir Peter Laurie and Alderman Humphrey--to assist him in selecting
+a fit and proper person upon whom to bestow the Civic cap and bells.
+
+The following is a list of the individuals whose claims are under
+consideration:--
+
+_The Marquis of Londonderry_, who founds his claims upon the fact of his
+always creating immense laughter whenever he opens his mouth.
+
+_Lord Brougham_, who grounds his pretensions upon the agility displayed by
+him in his favourite character of "the Political Harlequin."
+
+_Lord Normanby_, upon the peculiar fitness of his physiognomy to play the
+Fool in any Court.
+
+_Daniel O'Connell_, upon his impudence, and his offer to fool it in his
+new scarlet gown and cocked-hat.
+
+_Peter Borthwick_, upon his brilliant wit, which it is intended shall
+supersede the Bude Light in the House of Commons.
+
+_Colonel Sibthorp_, upon his jokes, which have convulsed all the readers
+of PUNCH, including himself.
+
+_George Stephens_, upon the immense success of his tragedy of
+"Martinuzzi," which, to the outrageous merriment of the audience, turned
+out to be a farce.
+
+_T. Wakley_, upon the comical way in which he turns his Cap of Liberty
+into a _Wellington-Wig_ and back again at the shortest notice.
+
+_Sir Francis Burdett_, upon the exceeding complacency with which he wears
+his own fool's-cap.
+
+_Ben D'Israeli_, upon his unadulterated simplicity, and the unfurnished
+state of his attic.
+
+_Mr. Muntz_, upon the _prima facie_ evidence that he is a near relative of
+Gog and Magog, and therefore the best entitled to the Civic Foolship.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH'S CATECHISM OF GEOGRAPHY.
+
+The astonishing increase of the great metropolis in every direction--the
+growing up of Brixton and Clapham--the discovery of inhabited streets and
+houses in the _terra incognita_ to the northward of Pentonville--and the
+spirit of maritime enterprise which the late successful voyages made by
+the _Bridegroom_ steam-boat to the coast of Chelsea has excited in the
+public mind--has induced a thirst for knowledge, and a desire to be
+acquainted with the exact geographical position of this habitable world,
+of which it is admitted Pinnock's work does not give the remotest idea. To
+supply this deficiency, PUNCH begs leave to offer to his friends and
+readers _his_ Catechism of Geography, which, if received with the
+extraordinary favour it deserves from the public, may be followed by
+catechisms on other interesting branches of knowledge.
+
+
+CHAPTER I.
+
+OF THE WORLD IN GENERAL.
+
+_Q._ What is geography?
+
+_A._ The looking for _places_ on a map, or in Downing-street, or anywhere
+else in the world.
+
+_Q._ What do you mean by the world?
+
+_A._ Every place comprehended within the circle of a sixpenny omnibus fare
+from the Bank.
+
+_Q._ Of what is the world composed?
+
+_A._ Of bricks and mortar, and Thames water.
+
+_Q._ Into how many parts is the world usually divided?
+
+_A._ Into four great parts, viz.--London, Westminster, Marylebone, and
+Finsbury; to which may be added the Borough, which is over the water. Or
+it may be said that Fashion has divided the world into two distinct parts,
+viz.--the East-end and the West-end, and a great number of suburbs.
+
+_Q._ How are the bricks and mortar subdivided?
+
+_A._ Into continents, islands, peninsulas, and isthmuses.
+
+_Q._ What is a continent?
+
+_A._ Any district containing a number of separate residences and distinct
+tenements, as _St. James's_, _St. Giles's_.
+
+_Q._ What is an island?
+
+_A._ An island is anything surrounded by the Thames, as _The Eel-Pie
+Island_, and _The Convict Hulk_ at Deptford.
+
+_Q._ What is a peninsula?
+
+_A._ Anything that runs into the Thames, as _The Suspension Pier at
+Chelsea_, and _Jack-in-the-Water_ at the Tower-stairs.
+
+_Q._ What is an isthmus?
+
+_A._ A narrow place that joins two continents together, as _Temple bar_,
+which joins _Westminster_ to the _City_.
+
+_Q._ How is the Thames water divided?
+
+_A._ Morally speaking, it is divided into river water, pipe water, and
+gin-and-water.
+
+_Q._ Where is river water found?
+
+_A._ Anywhere between Vauxhall and London Bridges. It is inhabited
+principally by flounders and bargemen.
+
+_Q._ What is pipe water?
+
+_A._ An intermitting stream, having its source at some distant basin. It
+usually runs into a cistern, until the water-rates get into arrear, when
+the supply ceases through the intervention of a turncock.
+
+_Q._ Where is gin-and-water to be found?
+
+_A._ All over the world; but especially in the vicinity of a cab-stand.
+
+_Q._ In what other manner is the Thames water divided?
+
+_A._ Physically speaking, into oceans, seas, gulfs, bays, straits, lakes
+and rivers.
+
+_Q._ What is an ocean?
+
+_A._ Any great body of water whose limits it is impossible to describe, as
+_The Floating Bath_ at Southwark-bridge, and _The Real Tank_ at the
+Adelphi Theatre.
+
+_Q._ What is a sea?
+
+_A._ Any small collection of water, as at Chel_sea_, Batter_sea._
+
+_Q._ What is a gulf?
+
+_A._ A gulf is any place, the greater part of which is surrounded by
+lawyers, as _Lincoln's Inn,--The Court of Chancery_.
+
+_Q._ What is a haven?
+
+_A._ A commodious harbour, where people lie at anchor in perfect security,
+as _The Queen's Bench,--The Fleet_, the sight of which is
+
+[Illustration: ENOUGH TO TURN ONE'S HEAD.]
+
+_Q._ What is a strait?
+
+_A._ A strait is a narrow passage which connects two broad principles as
+_Wakley's Straits_, which join Radicalism and Conservatism.
+
+_Q._ What is a lake?
+
+_A._ A lake is any small portion of Honesty, entirely surrounded by Self,
+as _Peel's Politics_.
+
+_Q._ What is a river?
+
+_A._ A river is a Tax-stream which rises from the Treasury, and runs into
+the pockets of the Ministerial party. The People are _the source_ of the
+stream--the Ministry is _the mouth_. When the mouth is very wide, it is
+called a _Tory mouth_. The _right_ or _left_ banks of a Tax stream are the
+_Treasury_ or _Opposition benches_, to the right or left of the Speaker
+when he has his back to the source.
+
+_Q._ How are tax streams divided?
+
+_A._ Into _salaries_ and _pensions_.
+
+_Q._ What is _a conflux_?
+
+_A._ Any place where two or more salaries or pensions are united, as The
+Duke's breeches-pocket.
+
+_Q._ Is there any other peculiarity attending a tax stream?
+
+_A._ Yes. _Radicalism_ is that part of a stream nearest to its _source_;
+_Toryism_ that part nearest to its _mouth_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SPARKS FROM THE FIRE.
+
+ALL IS NOT LOST.
+
+Colonel Sibthorp begs to inform the Editor of Punch that the loss of the
+wooden gun named "Policy," which was destroyed by the late fire at the
+Tower, is not irreparable. He has himself been for a long time employed by
+the Tories for a similar purpose as that for which the "Policy" had been
+successfully used, namely, to make the enemy believe they were well
+provided with real artillery; and being now the _greatest wooden gun_ in
+the world, he will, immediately on the Lower Armoury being rebuilt, be
+happy to take the place of the gun which has been unfortunately consumed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+DISTRESS OF THE COUNTRY.
+
+BY THE AUTHOR OF "LIGHTS AND SHADOWS OF LONDON LIFE."
+
+Merciful Heaven! we shudder as we write! The state of destitution to which
+the civic authorities are reduced is appalling. Will our readers believe
+it--there were only five hundred tureens of turtle, or two thousand five
+hundred pints, or _five thousand_ basins, amongst not quite fifteen
+hundred guests,--only two basins and a half a man,--for the first course!
+But we print the bill of fare; it will be read with intense interest by
+the manufacturers of Paisley, inhabitants of poor-law unions, but more
+especially by the literary community.
+
+"GENERAL BILL OF FARE.--250 tureens of real turtle, containing five pints
+each; 200 bottles of sherbet; 6 dishes of fish; 30 entrees; 4 boiled
+turkeys and oysters; 60 roast pullets; 60 dishes of fowls; 46 ditto of
+capons; 50 French pies; 60 pigeon pies; 53 hams (ornamented); 43 tongues;
+2 quarters of house lamb; 2 barons of beef; 3 rounds of beef; 2 stewed
+rumps of beef; 13 sirloins, rumps, and ribs of beef; 6 dishes of
+asparagus; 60 ditto of mashed and other potatoes; 44 ditto of shell-fish;
+4 ditto of prawns; 140 jellies; 50 blancmanges; 40 dishes of tarts
+(creamed); 30 ditto of orange and other tourtes; 40 ditto of almond
+pastry; 20 Chantilly baskets; 60 dishes of mince pies; 56 salads; peas and
+asparagus. The Removes:--30 roast turkeys; 6 leverets; 80 pheasants; 24
+geese; 40 dishes of partridges; 15 dishes of wild fowl; 2 pea-fowls.
+Dessert:--100 pineapples, from 2 lb. to 3 lb. each; 200 dishes of
+hot-house grapes; 250 ice creams; 50 dishes of apples; 100 ditto of pears;
+60 ornamented Savoy cakes; 75 plates of walnuts; 80 ditto of dried fruit
+and preserves; 50 ditto of preserved ginger; 60 ditto of rout cakes and
+chips; 46 ditto of brandy cherries.
+
+"THE PRINCIPAL TABLE (at which the Right Hon. the Lord Mayor presides).--10
+tureens of turtle, 10 bottles of sherbet, 6 dishes of fish, 30 entrees, 1
+boiled turkey and oysters, 2 roast pullets, 2 dishes of fowls, 2 ditto of
+capons, 2 French pies, 2 pigeon pies, 2 hams (ornamented), 2 tongues, 1
+quarter of house-lamb, 1 stewed rump of beef, 1 sirloin of beef, 6 dishes
+of asparagus, 2 dishes of mashed and other potatoes, 3 ditto of
+shell-fish, 1 dish of prawns, 3 jellies, 3 blancmanges, 2 dishes of tarts
+(creamed), 2 dishes of orange and other tourtes, 2 dishes of almond
+pastry, 4 Chantilly baskets, 2 dishes of mince pies, 4 salads. Removes:--3
+roast turkeys, 1 leveret, 3 pheasants, 2 geese, 2 dishes of partridges, 1
+dish of wild fowl, 2 peafowls. Dessert:--6 pine-apples, 12 dishes of
+grapes, 10 ice creams, 2 dishes of apples, 4 dishes of pears, 2 ornamented
+Savoy cakes, 3 plates of walnuts, 4 plates of dried fruit and preserves, 3
+plates of preserved ginger, 3 plates of rout cakes and chips, 3 plates of
+brandy cherries.
+
+"THE FIVE UPPER TABLES.--80 tureens of turtle, 60 bottles of sherbet, 3
+boiled turkeys and oysters, 16 roast pullets, 20 dishes of fowls, 15 ditto
+of capons, 16 French pies, 16 pigeon pies, 16 hams (ornamented), 13
+tongues, 1 quarter of house-lamb, 1 round of beef, 1 stewed rump of beef,
+4 sirloins, rumps and ribs of beef, 20 dishes of mashed and other
+potatoes, 12 ditto of shell-fish, 1 dish of prawns, 40 jellies, 16
+blancmanges, 13 dishes of tarts (creamed), 9 ditto of orange and other
+tourtes, 13 ditto of almond pastry, 16 Chantilly baskets, 20 dishes of
+mince pies, 17 salads. Removes: 23 roast turkeys, 5 leverets, 23
+pheasants, 7 geese, 13 dishes of partridges, 5 ditto of wild fowl.
+Dessert:--32 pine-apples, 64 dishes of grapes, 80 ice creams, 15 dishes of
+apples, 30 ditto of pears, 18 ornamented Savoy cakes, 24 plates of
+walnuts, 26 ditto of dried fruit and preserves, 15 ditto of preserved
+ginger, 18 ditto of rout cakes and chips, 14 ditto of brandy cherries.
+
+"THE FIVE SHORT TABLES NEXT THE UPPER TABLES.--26 tureens of turtle, 22
+bottles of sherbet, 3 roast pullets, 6 dishes of fowls, 5 dishes of
+capons, 5 French pies, 7 pigeon pies, 6 hams (ornamented), 5 tongues, 1
+sirloin of beef, 6 dishes of mashed and other potatoes, 5 ditto of
+shell-fish, 1 dish of prawns, 16 jellies, 5 blancmanges, 4 dishes of tarts
+(creamed), 3 dishes of orange and other tourtes, 4 dishes of almond
+pastry, 6 dishes of mince pies, 6 salads. Removes:--10 roast turkeys, 10
+pheasants, 3 geese, 4 dishes of partridges. Dessert:--10 pine-apples, 20
+dishes of grapes, 26 ice creams, 5 dishes of apples, 12 ditto of pears, 7
+ornamented Savoy cakes, 8 plates of walnuts, 8 ditto of dried fruit and
+preserves, 5 ditto of preserved ginger, 7 ditto of rout cakes and chips, 5
+ditto of brandy cherries.
+
+"THE FOUR LONG TABLES IN THE BODY OF THE HALL.--80 tureens of turtle, 60
+bottles of sherbet, 17 roast pullets, 20 dishes of fowls, 15 dishes of
+capons, 16 French pies, 20 pigeon pies, 16 hams (ornamented), 13 tongues,
+1 round of beef, 1 stewed rump of beef, 4 sirloins, rumps, and ribs of
+beef, 20 dishes of mashed and other potatoes, 13 dishes of shell-fish, 40
+jellies, 16 blancmanges, 13 dishes of tarts (creamed), 10 ditto of orange
+and other tourtes, 13 ditto of almond pastry, 20 ditto of mince pies, 17
+salads. Removes:--23 roast turkeys, 23 pheasants, 7 geese, 13 dishes of
+partridges, 5 ditto of wild fowl. Dessert:--32 pine-apples, 64 dishes of
+grapes, 80 ice creams, 16 dishes of apples, 30 ditto of pears, 20
+ornamented Savoy cakes, 24 plates of walnuts. 26 ditto of dried fruit and
+preserves, 16 ditto of preserved ginger, 20 ditto of rout cakes and chips,
+15 ditto of brandy cherries.
+
+"THE SEVEN SIDE TABLES.--24 tureens of turtle, 20 bottles of sherbet, 7
+roast pullets, 5 dishes of fowls, 4 ditto of capons, 5 French pies, 5
+pigeon pies, 6 hams (ornamented), 4 tongues, 1 sirloin of beef, 5 dishes
+of mashed and other potatoes, 4 ditto of shell-fish, 1 dish of prawns, 15
+jellies, 4 blancmanges, 3 dishes of tarts (creamed), 2 ditto of orange and
+other tourtes, 3 ditto of almond pastry, 5 ditto of mince pies, 5 salads.
+Removes--9 roast turkeys, 9 pheasants, 2 geese, 20 dishes of partridges.
+Dessert:--8 pine-apples, 16 dishes of grapes, 24 ice creams, 5 dishes of
+apples, 16 ditto of pears, 6 ornamented Savoy cakes, 7 plates of walnuts,
+7 ditto of dried fruit and preserves, 5 ditto of preserved ginger, 6 ditto
+of rout cakes and chips, 4 ditto of brandy cherries.
+
+"THE THREE TABLES IN THE OLD COURT OF QUEEN'S BENCH.--30 tureens of turtle,
+28 bottles of sherbet, 10 roast pullets, 7 dishes of fowls. 6 ditto of
+capons, 5 French pies, 10 pigeon pies, 7 hams (ornamented), 6 tongues, 1
+round of beef, 2 sirloins and ribs of beef, 7 dishes of mashed and other
+potatoes, 6 ditto of shell-fish, 21 jellies, 6 blancmanges, 5 dishes of
+tarts (creamed), 4 ditto of orange and other tourtes, 5 ditto of almond
+pastry, 7 ditto of mince pies, 7 salads. Removes:--12 roast turkeys, 12
+pheasants, 3 geese, 5 dishes of partridges, 4 ditto of wild fowl.
+Dessert:--12 pine-apples, 24 dishes of grapes, 30 ice creams, 7 dishes of
+apples, 14 ditto of pears, 7 ornamented Savoy cakes, 9 plates of walnuts,
+9 ditto of dried fruit and preserves, 6 ditto of preserved ginger, 7 ditto
+of rout cakes and chips, 5 ditto of brandy cherries.
+
+"WINES:--Champagne, Hock, Claret, Madeira, Port, and Sherry."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE DESTRUCTION OF THE ALDERMEN.
+
+A MANSION-HOUSE MELODY.
+
+  Apoplexia came down on the Alderman fold,
+  And his cohorts were gleaming with jaundice like gold,
+  And the sheen of the spectres that own'd his behest
+  Glimmer'd bright as the gas at a new Lord May'r's feast.
+
+  Every fiend that humanity shrinks from was there--
+  Hepatitis, Lumbago, with hollow-eyed Care,
+  Hypochondria, and Gout grinning ghastly with pain,
+  And of Incubi phantoms a horrible train.
+
+  And onwards they gallop'd in brotherly pairs;
+  Their pennons pale yellow, their steeds were night mares;
+  And their leader's grim visage a darksome smile wore
+  As he gave the word "Halt" at the Mansion-house door.
+
+  The vision dismounted, and peering within,
+  'Midst a rattle of glasses and knife and fork din,
+  His victims beheld, tucking in calipash,
+  While they hob-nobb'd and toasted in Burgundy wash.
+
+  Then he straightway amongst them his grisly form cast,
+  And breathed on each puffing red face as he pass'd;
+  And the eyes of the feasters wax'd deadly and chill,
+  And their stomachs once heaved, and for ever grew still!
+
+  And the turtle devourers were stretched on the floor--
+  Each cheek changed to purple--so crimson before!
+  Their dewlaps all dabbled with red wine and ale,
+  And extremities cold as a live fish's tail!
+
+  And there lay the Liv'ryman, breathless and lorn,
+  With waistcoat and new inexpressibles torn;
+  And the Hall was all silent, the band having flown,
+  And the waiters stared wildly on, sweating and blown!
+
+  And Cripplegate widows are loud in their wail!
+  And Mary-Axe orphans all trembling and pale!
+  For the Alderman glory has melted away,
+  As mists are dispersed by the glad dawn of day.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+_HARMER VIRUMQUE CANO._
+
+In the list of guests at the Lord Mayor's dinner we did not perceive the
+name of "Harmer" among those who met to "despatch" the viands. On inquiry
+we learn that since the fire at the Tower he has secluded himself in his
+own _Harmer-y_, and has not egressed from "Ingress Abbey," for fear of
+incendiaries. The ex-alderman having however always shown a decided
+predilection for Gravesend, it is not wonderful that during the wet season
+he should be
+
+[Illustration: STOPPING AT A WATERING-PLACE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A CHAPTER ON POLITICS.
+
+    WHEREIN "PUNCH" HINTETH AT A STARTLING CHANGE IN THE MODUS
+    OPERANDI OF LEGISLATION.--HE ALSO EXHIBITETH A PROFOUND KNOWLEDGE
+    OF FOREIGN AFFAIRS; AND SHOWETH HOW AT HOME WE ARE ALL ABROAD.
+
+At a period when every Englishman, from the Minister to the Quack Doctor
+(and extremes very often meet), is laying down his pseudo-political
+principles, PUNCH desires to expound his practical and scientific plan for
+increasing prosperity and preserving peace. Yes, at a moment like this,
+when the party difference "'twixt Tweedledum and Tweedledee" has produced
+a total stand-still; when Whigs cannot move, and when Tories will
+not,--PUNCH steps forward to prescribe (without a fee) for the sinking
+Constitution.
+
+PUNCH _loquitur_.--A very great genius--one almost equal to myself--has
+declared that of the great mass of mankind, ninety-nine out of every
+hundred are lost in error. Every day proves the fact.--From the Peer, who
+mistakes exclusiveness for dignity, and a power to injure for a right to
+oppress, to the Peasant, who confounds aggression and insolence with
+justice and independence, it is all error! error!! error!!!
+
+Upon this fact rests the basis of my wonderful improvements. If the
+majority be wrong, the inference is obvious--the minority must be right.
+Then, in future, let everything be conducted by the minority--the sensible
+few. Behold the consequences!
+
+In those days we shall have Mr. Samuel Carter Hall, who polled three days
+and got--one vote, declared County Member elect. Sibthorp shall be a man
+of weight and influence, "giving to (h)airy nothing a local habitation and
+a name." Roebuck shall be believed to have had ancestors; and shall wring
+the nose of some small boy attached to _The Times_ newspaper; and the
+Whigs--yes, the Whigs--shall be declared both wise and honest: though
+Parliament has pronounced them fools, and the country has believed them to
+be knaves.
+
+_Pupil of Punch, respondet_.--That would be a change, Punch! Rather. Cast
+your eye around and see the workings of this grand principle; the labours
+of the many compassed by the few--steam and slavery.
+
+_Punch_.--Very true! Let me now draw your attention to the real difference
+between the English and some foreign governments:--
+
+    The Turkish minister generally loses his power and his head at the
+    same time; the English minister carries on his business without a
+    head at all. For the performance of his duty the former is
+    decapitated--the latter is incapacitated.
+
+    The Japanese legislator when disgraced invariably rips up his
+    bowels; the English legislator is invariably in disgrace, but has
+    no bowels to rip up. With some other nations the unsuccessful
+    leader gets bow-stringed and comfortably sown up in a sack; our
+    great man is satisfied with getting the sack, having previously
+    bagged as much as lay in his power.
+
+(Next week I may probably continue the lecture and the parallels.)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE PRINCE'S EXTRA.
+
+At Gray's Inn the loyalty of that society was manifested in a very
+gratifying manner: the treasurer and benchers having ordered _extra wine_
+to be served to the barristers and students, the health of her Majesty and
+the infant Prince was drunk with enthusiastic rapture.
+
+  Long live the Prince! For many a year
+    To wet each student's throttle;
+  He well deserves an _extra cheer_,
+    Who brings an _extra bottle_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH'S THEATRE.
+
+THE WRONG MAN.
+
+The author of this farce hath placed himself in the first section of the
+second chapter of that treatise on "Dramatic Casualties" which hath helped
+to make "Punch" the oracle of wit and of wisdom he has become to the
+entire intelligence of the land, from the aristocracy upwards[2]. In this
+instance he is truly one who "writeth a farce or comedy and neglecteth to
+introduce jokes in the same." But this we hope will prove a solitary
+instance of such neglect; for when he next inditeth, may he show that he
+is not the "Wrong Man" to write a good piece; although alas, he appeared
+on Saturday last to be exactly the right man for penning a bad one.
+
+    [2] Punch, No. 11 page 131.
+
+When a playwright produces a plot whose incidents are just within the
+possibilities, and far beyond the probabilities, of this life, it is said
+to be "ingenious," because of the crowd of circumstances that are huddled
+into each scene. According to this acceptation, the "Wrong Man" would be a
+highly ingenious farce; if that may be called a farce from which the
+remotest semblance of facetiae is scrupulously excluded. Proceed we,
+therefore, to an analysis of the fable with becoming gravity.
+
+At the outset we are introduced to a maiden lady in (_horresco referens!_)
+her private apartment; but to save scandal, the introduction is not made
+without company--there is also her maid. _Patty Smart_, although not a new
+servant, has chosen that precise moment to inform her mistress concerning
+the exact situation of her private circumstances, and the precise state of
+her heart. She is in love: it is for _Simon Tack_ that the flame is kept
+alive; he, a dapper upholder, upholds her affections. At this point, a
+triangular note is produced, which plainly foretells a dishonourable
+rival. You are not deceived; it proposes an assignation in that elysium of
+bachelors and precipice of destruction for young ladies, the Albany.
+Wonderful to relate, it is from _Miss Thomasina Fringe's_ nephew, _Sir
+Bryan Beausex_. The maiden dame is inconceivably shocked; and to show her
+detestation of this indelicate proposal, agrees to personate _Patty_ and
+keep the appointment herself, for the pleasure of inflicting on her nephew
+a heap of mortification and a moral lecture. _Mr. Tack_ is the next
+appearance: being an upholsterer, of course he has the run of the house,
+so it is not at all odd to find him in a maiden lady's boudoir; the more
+especially as he enters from behind his natural element--the window
+curtains.
+
+It is astonishing with what pertinacity the characters in most farces will
+bore one with their private affairs when they first appear! In this
+respect _Sir Bryan Beausex_, in the next scene, is quite as bad as _Patty_
+was in the former one. He seems to have invited four unoffending victims
+to dine at his chambers in the Albany, on purpose to inform them that in
+his youth he was betrothed to a girl whom he has never since seen; but
+what that has to do with telling his guests to be off, because he expects
+a charming little lady's-maid at six, his companions are doubtless puzzled
+to understand. One of them, however, is _Beechwood_--a very considerably
+diluted edition of _Jerry Bumps_ in "Turning the Tables"--who determines
+to revenge this early turn-out by a trick upon the inhospitable host, and
+goes off to develop it--to commence, in fact, the farce.
+
+_Sir Bryan Beausex_ is waiting with impatience the arrival of _Patty_,
+when his servant enters with a letter, which he says has been just
+delivered by a servant, who galloped up to the door on a horse--an
+extraordinary clever hack, we should say; for, to perform this feat, he
+must have broken through a porter's lodge, galloped over a smooth
+pavement, and under a roof so low, that Lord Burghersh can only traverse
+it with his hat off. We should like to see a horse-race in the Albany
+avenue! The letter thus so cavalierly brought, contains news of an
+accident that has happened to _Miss Fringe_, and summons _Beausex's_
+immediate presence. Off he goes, and on comes _Beechwood_ with a "Ha! ha!
+ha!, fairly hoaxed," and all that; which is usually laughed and said by
+hoaxers _of_ hoaxees.
+
+It has happened that _Mr. Tack_, the upholsterer, having had a peep at the
+contents of the cocked-hat billet, addressed to Mistress _Smart_,
+conceives a violent fit of jealousy, and having also _Beausex's_ custom,
+has the range of his house as well as that of _Miss Fringe_. So by this
+time we naturally find him behind _Sir Bryan's_ window-curtains, to
+witness the interview between him and the future _Mrs. Tack_; that is to
+say, if she prove not false.
+
+Things approach to a crisis. _Miss Fringe_ enters, but brings with her
+_Alice_, the young lady whose infant heart was betrothed to _Beausex_.
+She, taking the place of _Patty Smart_, goes through a dialogue with
+_Beechwood_ instead of _Beausex_; and we now learn that the former
+christens the farce, he being the "Wrong Man." Somewhere near this point
+of the story the first act ends.
+
+The second act is occupied in clearing up the mistakes which the audience
+know all about already; but those among them who had, up to about the
+middle of it, been waiting with exemplary patience for the jokes, began to
+get tired of having nothing to laugh at, and hissed. Despite these noisy
+drawbacks, however, we were able to find out that _Beausex_ loses his
+cousin _Alice_ and her fortune (a regular farce fortune--some five or six
+hundred thousand pounds or so); for she falls in love with _Beechwood_,
+and _vice versa_. _Tack_ and _Patty Smart_ are rendered happy; but what
+really becomes of _Beausex_ and his aunt the sibilants forbad our knowing.
+We suppose, by Mr. Bartley's pantomime, that _Sir Bryan_ puts up with his
+hoax and his lady-loss with a good grace; for he flourished about his
+never-absent pocket-handkerchief with one hand, shook hands with _Miss
+Fringe_ with the other, stepped forward, did some more dumb show to the
+dissentients, and, with the rest of the actors, bowed down the curtain.
+
+We perceive by the Times that the author of the "Wrong Man" is not so very
+culpable after all. He is guiltless of the plot; that being taken from a
+French piece called "Le Tapissier."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE MASONS AND THE STONE JUG.
+
+Mr. Wakley feelingly remarked at the late meeting of the union masons that
+the "man who would lock up _a pump_ was unfit to hold any situation of
+trust." On the strength of this opinion the Earl of Waklegrave and Captain
+Duff intend to proceed against the Marshal of the Queen's Bench for having
+_locked them up_ for these last six months.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"THE FORCE OF FANCY COULD NO FURTHER GO."
+
+The Times gives an extract from the _Norwich Aurora_, an American paper,
+descriptive of a newly discovered cavern. The writer, with a power of
+imagination almost marvellous, remarks, "The air in the cavern had a
+peculiar smell, resembling--NOTHING." We believe that is the identical
+flavour of "_Leg of Nothing and no turnips_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+CONUNDRUM BY THE LORD MAYOR.
+
+Why does a drunken milkmaid resemble a celebrated French
+diplomatist?--Because she is like to _tally-wrong_--(Talleyrand.)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+1, November 13, 1841, by Various
+
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+Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for
+eBook #14936 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/14936)