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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:45:41 -0700 |
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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/14934-8.txt b/14934-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ab2b860 --- /dev/null +++ b/14934-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2153 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, +October 30, 1841, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, October 30, 1841 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14934] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 1. + + + +FOR THE WEEK ENDING OCTOBER 30, 1841. + + * * * * * + + +THE GREAT CREATURE. + +That "great creature," like some other "great creatures," happened, as +almanacs say, "about this time" to be somewhat "out at elbows;"--not in +the way of costume, for the very plenitude of his wardrobe was the cause +which produced this effect, inasmuch as the word "received" in the +veritable autograph of Messrs. Moleskin and Corderoy could nowhere be +discovered annexed to the bills thereof: a slight upon their powers of +penmanship which roused their individual, collective, and coparcenary ires +to such a pitch, that they, Messrs. Moleskin and Corderoy, through the +medium of their Attorneys-at-law, Messrs. Gallowsworthy and Pickles, of +Furnival's Inn, forwarded a writ to the unfortunate Hannibal Fitzflummery +Fitzflam,--the which writ in process of time, being the legal seed, became +ripened into a very vigorous execution, and was consigned to the care of a +gentleman holding a _Civil_ employment with a _Military_ title, viz. that +of "_Officer_" to the Sheriff of Middlesex, with strict injunctions to the +said--anything but _Civil_ or _Military_--nondescript "officer," to secure +and keep the person of Hannibal Fitzflummery Fitzflam till such time as +the debt due to Messrs. Moleskin and Corderoy, and the legal charges of +Messrs. Gallowsworthy and Pickles, should be discharged, defrayed, and +liquidated. + +Frequent were the meetings of Messrs. Gallowsworthy and Pickles and their +man-trap, and as frequent their disappointments:--Fitzflam always gave +them the double! Having procured leave of absence from the Town Managers, +and finding the place rather too hot to hold him, he departed for the +country, and, as fate would have it, arrived at the inn then occupied by +Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk. + +In this out-of-the-way place he fondly imagined he had never been heard +of. Judge then of his surprise, after his dinner and pint of wine, at the +following information. + +_Fitz._ "Waiter." + +"Yes, sar." + +"Who have you in the house?" + +"Fust of company, sar;--alwaist, sar." + +"Oh! of course;--any one in particular?" + +"Yes, sar, very particular: one gentleman very particular, indeed. Has his +bed warmed with brown sugar in the pan, and drinks asses' milk, sar, for +breakfast!" + +"Strange fellow! but I mean any one of name?" + +"Yes, sar, a German, sar; with a name so long, sar, it take all the indoor +servants and a stable-helper to call him up of a morning." + +"You don't understand me. Have you any public people here?" + +"Yes, sar--great man from town, sar--belongs to the Theatre--Mr. Fitzflam, +sar--quite the gentleman, sar." + +"Thank you for the compliment" (_bowing low_). + +"No compliment at all, sar; would you like to see him, sar?--sell you a +ticket, sar; or buy one of you, sar." + +"What?" + +"House expected to be full, sar--sure to sell it again, sar." + +"What the devil are you talking about?" + +"The play, sar--Fitzflam, sar!--there's the bill, sar, and (_bell rings_) +there's the bell, sar. Coming." (_Exit Waiter_.) + +The first thing that suggested itself to the mind of Mr. Hannibal +Fitzflummery Fitzflam was the absolute necessity of insisting upon that +insane waiter's submitting to the total loss of his well-greased locks, +and enveloping his outward man in an extra-strong strait-waistcoat; the +next was to look at the bill, and there he saw--"horror of horrors!"--the +name, "the bright ancestral name"--the name he bore, bursting forth in all +the reckless impudence of the largest type and the reddest vermilion! + +Anger, rage, and indignation, like so many candidates for the exalted +mutton on a greased pole, rushed tumultuously over each other's heads, +each anxious to gain the "ascendant" in the bosom of Mr. Hannibal +Fitzflummery Fitzflam. To reduce a six-and-ninepenny gossamer to the +fac-simile of a bereaved muffin in mourning by one vigorous blow wherewith +he secured it on his head, grasp his ample cane and three half-sucked +oranges (in case it should come to pelting), and rush to the theatre, was +the work of just twelve minutes and a half. In another brief moment, +payment having been tendered and accepted, Fitzflam was in the boxes, +ready to expose the swindle and the swindler! + +The first act was over, and the audience were discussing the merits of the +supposed Roscius. + +"He _is_ a sweet young man," said a simpering damsel to a red-headed +Lothario, with just brains enough to be jealous, and spirit enough to damn +the player. + +"I don't see it," responded he of the Rufusian locks. + +"Such _dear_ legs!" + +"_Dear_ legs--_duck_ legs you mean, miss!" + +"And _such_ a voice!" + +"Voice! I'll holler with him for all he's worth." + +"Ha' done, do!" + +"I shan't: Fitzflam's--an--umbug!" + +"Sir!" exclaimed Hannibal Fitzflummery Fitz of "that ilk." + +"And Sir to you!" retorted "the child of earth with the golden hair." + +"I suppose I'm a right to speak my mind of that or any other chap I pays +to laugh at!" + +"It's a tragedy, James." + +"All the funnier when sich as him comes to play in them." + +"Hush! the curtain's up."--So it was; and "Bravo! bravo!" shouted the +ladies, and "Hurrah!" shouted the gentlemen. Never had Mr. Hannibal +Fitzflummery Fitzflam seen such wretched acting, or heard such +enthusiastic applause. Round followed round, until, worked up to frenzy at +the libel upon his name, and, as he thought, his art, he vociferously +exclaimed, "Ladies and gentlemen, that man's a d--d impostor! ("Turn him +out! throw him over! break his neck!" shouted the gods. "Shame shame!" +called the boxes. "You're drunk," exclaimed the pit to a man.) I repeat +that man is--("_Take that_!"--an apple in Fitzflam's eye.) I say he is +another ("There it is!"--in his other eye) person +altogether--a--("Boxkeeper!") Nothing of the sort; a--("Constable!") I'll +take--("Take that fellow out!") Allow me to be--("Off! off!") I +am--("'Out! out!") Let me request.--("Order! order!--hiss! hiss!--oh! +oh!--ah! ah!--phit! phit!--Booh!--booh!--wooh!--oh!--ah!")" + +Here Mr. Fitzfunk came forward, and commenced bowing like a mandarin, +while the gentleman who had blacked Fitzflam's eye desisted from forcing +him out of the box, to hear the "great creature" speak. Fitzfunk +commenced, "Ahem--Ladies and gentlemen, surrounded as I am by all sorts +of--(Bravos from all parts of the house.) Friends! Friends in the +boxes!--("Bravo!" from boxes, with violent waving of handkerchiefs.) +Friends in the pit!--("Hurrah!" and sundry excited hats performing +extraordinary aerial gyrations.) And last, not least in my dear love, +friends in the gallery!--(Raptures of applause; five minutes' whistling; +three chandeliers and two heads broken; and the owners of seventeen corns +_stamped_ up to frenzy!) Need I fear the malice of an individual? ("Never! +never!" from all parts of the house.) Could I deceive you, an enlightened +public? ("No! no! impossible! all fudge!") Would I attempt such a thing? +("No! no! by no manner of means!") I am, ladies and gentlemen--("Fitzflam! +Fitzflam!") I bow to your judgment. I have witnesses; shall I produce +them?" "No," said two of his most enthusiastic supporters, scrambling out +of the pit, and getting on the stage; "Don't trouble yourself; we know +you; (_Omnes_. "Hurrah!" To Fitzflam in boxes--"Shame! shame!") _we_ will +swear to you; (_Omnes_, " Fitzflam for ever!") and--we don't care who +knows it--(_Omnes_. "Noble fellows!") we arrest you at the suit of +Messrs. Moleskin and Corderoy, Regent's-quadrant, tailors. Attorneys, +Messrs. Gallowsworthy and Pickles, of Furnival's Inn. Plaintiff claims +54l. debt and 65l. costs; so come along, will you!" + +It was an exceedingly fortunate thing for the representatives of the +Sheriff of Middlesex that their exit was marked by more expedition than +elegance; for as soon as their real purpose was known, Fitzflam (as the +audience supposed Fitzfunk to be) would have been rescued _vi et armis_. +As it was, they hurried him to a back room at the inn, and carefully +double-locked the door. It was also rather singular that from the moment +of the officer's appearance, the gentleman in the boxes whose doubts had +caused the disturbance immediately owned himself in the wrong, apologised +for his mistake, and withdrew. As the tragedy could not proceed without +Fitzfunk, the manager proposed a hornpipe-in-fetters and general dance by +the characters; instead of the last act which was accepted, and loudly +applauded and encored by the audience. + +Seated in his melancholy apartment, well guarded by the bailiff, certain +of being discovered and perhaps punished as an impostor, or compelled to +part with all his earnings to pay for coats and continuations he had never +worn, the luckless Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk gave way to deep +despondency, and various "ahs!" and "ohs!" A tap at the door was followed +by the introduction of a three-cornered note addressed to himself. The +following were its contents:-- + +"Sir,--It appears from this night's adventure _my name_ has heretofore +been useful to you, and on the present occasion your impersonation of it +has been useful to me. We are thus far quits. _I_, as the 'real Simon +Pure,' will tell you what to do. Protest you _are not the man_. Get +witnesses to hear you say so; and when taken to London (as you will be) +and the men are undeceived, threaten to bring an action against the +Sheriff unless those harpies, Messrs. Gallowsworthy and Pickles, give you +20l. for yourself, and a receipt in full for the debt and costs. Keep my +secret; I'll keep yours. Burn this.--H.F.F." + +No sooner read than done; and all came to pass as the note predicted. +Gallowsworthy and Pickles grumbled, but were compelled to pay. Fitzflam +and Fitzfunk became inseparable. Fitzflam was even heard to say, he +thought in time Fitzfunk would make a decent walking gentleman; and +Fitzfunk was always impressed with an opinion that _he_ was the man of +talent, and that Fitzflam would never have been able to succeed in +"starring it" where he had been "_The Great Creature_." + +FUSBOS. + +N.B.--The author of this paper has commenced adapting it for stage +representation. + + * * * * * + + +THE DESIRE OF PLEASING. + +"May I be married, ma?" said a lovely girl of fifteen to her mother the +other morning. "Married!" exclaimed the astonished matron; "what put such +an idea into your head?" "Little Emily, here, has never seen a wedding; +and I'd like to amuse the child," replied the obliging sister, with +fascinating _naïveté_. + + * * * * * + + +THE HEIR OF APPLEBITE. + +CHAPTER VIII. + +[Illustration: A]A serious accident to the double-bass was the +extraordinary occurrence alluded to in our last chapter. It appeared that, +contrary to the _usual_ custom of the class of musicians that attend +evening parties, the operator upon the double-bass had early in the +evening shown slight symptoms of inebriety, which were alarmingly +increased during supper-time by a liberal consumption of wine, ale, gin, +and other compounds. The harp, flageolet, and first violin, had prudently +abstained from drinking--at their own expense, and had reserved their +thirstiness for the benefit of the bibicals of the "founder of the feast," +and, consequently, had only attained that peculiar state of sapient +freshness which invariably characterises quadrille bands after supper, and +had, therefore, overlooked the rapid obfuscation of their more imprudent +companion in their earnest consideration of themselves. + +Bacchus has long been acknowledged to be the cicerone of Cupid; and +accordingly the God of Wine introduced the God of Love into the bosom of +the double-bass, who, with a commendable feeling of sociality, instantly +invited the cook to join the party. Now Susan, though a staid woman, and +weighing, moreover, sixteen stone, was fond of a "hinnocent bit of +nonsense," kindly consented to take just a "sip of red port wine" with the +performer upon catgut cables; and everything was progressing _allegro_, +when Cupid wickedly stimulated the double-bass to chuck Susan's double +chin, and then, with the frenzy of a Bacchanal, to attempt the +impossibility of encircling the ample waist of his Dulcinea. This was +carrying the joke a _leetle_ too far, and Susan, equally alarmed for her +reputation and her habit-shirt, struggled to free herself from the embrace +of the votary of Apollo; but the fiddler was not to be so easily disposed +of, and he clung to the object of his admiration with such pertinacity +that Susan was compelled to redouble her exertions, which were ultimately +successful in embedding the double-bass in the body of his instrument. The +crash was frightful, and Susan, having vainly endeavoured to free herself +from the incubus which had fastened upon her, proceeded to scream most +lustily as an overture to a faint. These sounds reached the supper-room, +and occasioned the diversion in John's favour; a simultaneous rush was +instantly made to the quarter from whence they proceeded, as the whole +range of accidents and offences flashed across the imaginations of the +affrighted revellers. + +Mrs. Waddledot decided that the china tea-service was no more. Mrs. +Applebite felt certain that "the heir" had tumbled into the tea-urn, or +had cut another tooth very suddenly. The gentlemen were assured that a +foray had taken place upon the hats and cloaks below, and that cabs would +be at a premium and colds at a discount. The ladies made various +applications of the rest of the catalogue; whilst old John wound up the +matter by the consolatory announcement that he "know'd the fire hadn't +been put out by the _in_gines in the morning." + +The general alarm was, however, converted into general laughter when the +real state of affairs was ascertained; and Susan having been recovered by +burning feathers under her nose, and pouring brandy down her throat, +preparations were made for the disinterment of the double-bass. To all +attempts to effect such a laudable purpose, the said double-bass offered +the most violent opposition, declaring he should never be so happy again, +and earnestly entreated Susan to share his heart and temporary residence. + +Her refusal of both seemed to cause him momentary uneasiness, for hanging +his head upon his breast he murmured out-- + + "Now she has left me her loss to deplore;" + +and then burst into a loud huzza that rendered some suggestions about the +police necessary, which Mr. Double-bass treated with a contempt truly +royal. He then seemed to be impressed with an idea that he was the index +to a "Little Warbler;" for at the request of no one he proceeded to +announce the titles of all the popular songs from the time of Shield +downwards. How long he would have continued this vocal category is +uncertain; but as exertion seemed rather to increase than diminish his +boisterous merriment, the suggestions respecting the police were ordered +to be adopted, and accordingly two of the force were requested to remove +him from the domicile where he was creating so much discord in lieu of +harmony. + +Double-bass still continued deaf to all entreaties for silence and +progression, and when a stretcher was mentioned grew positively furious, +and insisted that, as he had a conveyance of his own, he should be taken +to whatever destination they chose to select for him on, or rather in, +that vehicle. Accordingly a rattle was sprung, and duly answered by two or +three more of those alphabetical gentlemen who emanate from Scotland-yard, +by whose united efforts the refractory musician was carried out in +triumph, firmly and safely seated in his own ponderous instrument, loudly +insisting that he should be conveyed + +[Illustration: WITH CARE--THIS SIDE UP.] + +The interruption occasioned by this interesting occurrence was productive +of a general clearance of 24, Pleasant-place; and the apartments which +were so lately filled with airy sylphs and trussed Adonises presented a +strange jumble of rough coats, dingy silk cloaks, very _passé_ bonnets, +and numerous heads enveloped in faded white handkerchiefs. Everything +began to look miserable; candles were seen in all directions flickering +with their inevitable destiny; bouquets were thrown carelessly upon the +ground; and the very faintest odour of a cigar found its way from the +street-door into the drawing-room. Then came the hubbub of struggling +jarvies; the hoarse, continued inquiries of those peculiar beings that +emerge from some unknown quarter of the great metropolis, and "live and +move and have their being" at the doorsteps of party-giving people. What +tales could those benighted creatures tell of secret pressures of hands, +whispered sentences of sweet words, which have led in after-days to many a +blissful union! What sighs must have fallen upon their ears as they have +rolled up the steps and slammed to the doors of the vehicle which bore +away the idol of the evening! But they have no romance--no ambition but to +call "My lord duke's coach." + +Then came the desolate stillness of the "banquet-hall deserted;" the +consciousness that the hour of grandeur had passed away. There was nothing +to break the stillness but Mrs. Applebite counting up the spoons, and Mrs. +Waddledot re-decanting the remainders. + + * * * * * + + +BURKE'S HERALDRY. + +Our amiable friend and classical correspondent, Deaf Burke--"mind, +yes"--has lately mounted a coat-of-_arms_, "Dexter and Sinister;" a Nose +gules and Eye sable; three annulets of Ropes in chief, supported by two +Prize-fighters proper. Motto,-- + +[Illustration: KNOCK AND RING.] + + * * * * * + + +A SUGGESTION + +For the formation of a Society for the relief of foreigners afflicted with +a short pocket and a long beard. + +Mr. Muntz to be immediately waited upon by a body of the unhappy +sufferers, and requested to give his countenance and assistance to the +establishment of an INSTITUTION FOR THE GRATUITOUS SHAVING OF DESTITUTE +AND HIRSUTE FOREIGNERS. + + * * * * * + + +THE GOLD SNUFF-BOX. + +[Illustration: M]My aunt, Mrs. Cheeseman, is the very reverse of her +husband. He is a plain, honest creature, such as we read of in full-length +descriptions by some folks, but equally comprehensive, though shortly done +by others, under the simple name of John Bull--as ungarnished in his +dress, as in his speech and action; whereas Mrs. Cheeseman, as I have just +told you, is the counterpart of plainness; she has trinkets out of number, +brooches, backed with every kind of hair, from "the flaxen-headed cow-boy" +to the deep-toned "Jim Crow." Then her rings--they _are_ the surprise of +her staring acquaintances; she has them from the most delicate Oriental +fabric to the massiveness of dog's collars. + +Uncle Cheeseman says Mrs. C. thinks of nothing else; no sporting +gentleman, handsomely furnished, in the golden days of pugilism, ever +looked upon a ring with more delightful emotions. At going to bed, she +bestows the same affectionate gaze upon them that mothers do upon their +slumbering progeny; nor is that care and affection diminished in the +morning: her very imagination is a ring, seeing that it has neither +beginning nor end--her tender ideas are encircled by the four magical +letters R--I--N--G. Even at church, we are told, she divides her time +between sleeping and secret polishing. It has just occurred to me, that I +might have saved you and myself much trouble had I at once told you that +aunt Cheeseman is a regular _Ring-worm_. + +But, to my uncle--the only finery sported by him (and I hardly think it +deserving that word), besides a silver watch, sound and true as the owner, +and the very prototype of his bulk and serenity, was a gold snuff-box, a +large and handsome one, which he did not esteem for its intrinsic weight; +he had a "lusty pride" in showing that it was a prize gained in some +skilful agricultural contest. I am sorry at not recollecting what was +engraven on it; but being a thorough Cockney, and knowing nothing more of +the plough and harrow than that I have somewhere observed it as a tavern +sign, must plead for my ignorance in out-o'-town matters. + +You can remember, no doubt, the day the Queen went to dine with the City +Nabobs at Guildhall. Cheeseman hurried impatiently to London for the sole +purpose of _seeing_ the sight, and upon finding my liking for the +spectacle as powerful as his own, declared I was the only sensible child +my mother ever had, and adding that as he was well able to push his way +through a Lunnon crowd, if my father and mother were willing, under his +protection I should see this grand affair. Not the slightest objection was +put in opposition to my uncle's proposal, consequently the next day, +November the 9th, 1837, uncle Cheeseman and I formed integral portions of +the huge mass of spectators which reached from St. James's to the City. + +After slipping off the pavement a score of times (and in some instances +opportunely enough to be shoulder-grazed by a passing coach-wheel), +stunning numberless persons by explosions of oaths for clumsy collisions +and unintentional performances upon his tenderest corn, we reached the +corner of St. Paul's churchyard. + +Having secured by a two-shilling bargain about three feet of a form, +which, I suppose, upon any other day than a general holiday like the +present was the _locus in quo_ for little dears whose young ideas were +taught to shoot at threepence a week, uncle took breath, and a pinch of +snuff together: he smiled as I observed, that he'd be sure to take a +refresher when her Majesty passed; and though he shook his head and +designated me a sly young rogue, I could clearly perceive that he was +plotting to perform, as if by chance, what I had predicated as a +certainty; and although nineteen persons out of twenty would have marked +(in this instance) his puerility, I doubt not but that the same number are +(at some periods of their existence) innocent victims to the like +weakness, whether it be generated in a snuff-box or a royal diploma. + +By-and-by, a murmur from the distance, which succeeded a restless motion +among the crowd (like a leafy agitation of trees coming as a kind of +_courier en avant_ to announce the regular hurricane), broke gradually, +and at last uproariously upon us; straining our necks and eyes in the +attractive direction. Uncle grasped me by the arm, and though he spoke not +a word, he fairly stared, "Here it comes." Now the thick tide of the +moving portion of the spectators began to sweep past us, as they hedged in +the soldiery and carriages; then came the shouting, accompanied by various +kinds of squeezing, tearing, and stumbling; some screaming compliments to +her Majesty, and in the same breath dispensing more violent compliments in +an opposite direction, and of a decidedly different tendency. Shoes were +trodden off, and bonnets crushed out of all fashion; coats were curtailed; +samples of their quality were either seen dangling at the heels of the +wearer, or were ignominiously trodden under foot; and many superfine +Saxony trousers were double-milled without mercy. + +Whilst we were pluming ourselves upon the snugness of our situations, and +the attendant good fortune of being easy partners in the business of the +day, and thus freed from the vexations and perplexities so largely +distributed in our view, I was hindered from communicating my happiness +upon these points, for at this moment down went my uncle Cheeseman, and as +suddenly up flew his arms above his head, like Boatswain Smith at the +height of exhortation on Tower Hill. I was surprised, and so appeared my +unfortunate relation, who superadded an additional mixture of indignation +as I caught a glimpse or two of his chameleon-like visage; for at the first +sight I could have most honestly sworn it to have been white--at the +second as crimson as the sudden consciousness of helpless injury could +make it. Nevertheless, he sailed away from me in this extraordinary +attitude for a short distance, when suddenly, as he lowered his arms, I +observed sundry hands descend quickly, and, as I thought, kindly, lest he +should lose his hat, upon the crown of it, until it encased more of his +head than could be deemed either fashionable or comfortable. Presently, +however, he was again seen viciously elbowing and writhing his way back to +me, which after immense exertions he performed, in the full receipt of +numerous anathemas and jocular insults. As he neared me, I inquired what +he had been doing; why he had left me for such a short, difficult, and +unprofitable journey--which queries, innocently playful as they were, +appeared to produce a choking sensation, accompanied by a full-length +stare at me; but his naturally kind heart was not kept long closed against +me, and I gleaned the melancholy fact from his indignation, which was +continually emitted in such short gusts as, "The villains"--"The +scoundrels"--"And done so suddenly"--"The only thing I prized,"--"Well, +this is a lesson for me." As we returned home, uncle displayed a wish to +thrust himself everywhere into the densest mass; there was a morbid +carelessness in his manner that he had hitherto never shown; he was +evidently another man, a fallen creature; his pride, his existence, the +very theme of all his joys, his gold snuff-box, had departed for ever, and +his heart was in that box: what would Mrs. Cheeseman say? He had been +cleaned out to the very letter--ay, that letter--it perhaps contained +matters of moment. + +I have since that affair upon several occasions heard the poor fellow +declare that much as he was heart-broken at the loss of his box, his +feelings were lacerated to a greater degree when, in a curtain lecture, my +staid, correct, frosty-hearted, jewel-hugging aunt said, "Cheeseman, it +was a judgment for such conduct to a wife. In that letter, which you +treated with such contumely, I strictly cautioned you not to take that +valuable box about with you, if your madness for sight-seeing should lead +you into a mob. Let this be a warning to you; and be sure that though +woman be the weaker vessel, she is oftentimes the deepest." We believe it. + + * * * * * + + +THE PENSIVE PEEL. + +It is an unfounded calumny of the enemies of Sir Robert Peel to say that +he has gone into the country to amuse himself--shooting, feasting, eating, +and drinking--while the people are starving in the streets and highways. +_We_ know that the heart of the compassionate _old rat_ bleeds for the +distresses of the nation, and that he is at this moment living upon bread +and water, and studying Lord John Russell's hints on the Corn-laws, in + +[Illustration: THE MONASTERY OF LA TRAPPE.] + + * * * * * + + +DOMESTIC ECONOMY. + + Said Stiggins to his wife one day, + "We've nothing left to eat; + If things go on in this queer way, + We shan't make _both ends meet._" + + The dame replied, in words discreet, + "We're not so badly fed, + If we can make but _one_ end _meat_, + And make the other _bread_." + + * * * * * + + +NIGGER PECULIARITIES. + +Perhaps no race of people on the face of the habitable globe are so +strongly imbued with individual peculiarities as the free and slave negro +population of the United States. Out-heroding Herod in their monstrous +attempts of imitating and exceeding the fashions of the whites, the +emulative "Darkies" may be seen on Sundays occupying the whole extent of +the Broadway pavement, dressed in fashions carried to the very sublime of +the ridiculous. Whatever is the order of the day, the highest _ton_ among +the whites is instantly adopted, with the most ludicrous exaggeration, by +the blacks: if small brims be worn by the beaus of the former, they +degenerate to nothing on the skulls of the latter; if width be the order +of the day, the coloured gentlemen rush out in unmeasurable umbrellas of +felt, straw, and gossamer. A long-tailed white is, in comparison, but a +docked black. Should muslin trip from a carriage, tucked or flounced to +the knee, the same material, sported by a sable belle, will take its next +Sunday out fur-belowed from hip to heel. Parasols are parachutes; sandals, +black bandages; large bonnets, straw sheds, and small ones, nonentities. +So it is with colours: green becomes more green, blue more blue, orange +more orange, and crimson more flaming, when sported by these ebon slaves +of deep-rooted vanity. + +The spirit of imitation manifests itself in all their actions: hence it is +by no means an uncommon occurrence to see a tall, round-shouldered, +woolly-headed, buck-shinned, and inky-complexioned "Free Nigger," +sauntering out on Sunday, shading his huge weather-proof face from the +rays of the encroaching sun under a carefully-carried silk umbrella! And +again, as in many of the places of worship the whole congregation cannot +be accommodated with seats, many of the members supply their own; so these +sable gentry may be frequently seen progressing to church with a small +stool under their arms: and in one instance, rather than be disappointed, +or obliged to stand,--a solemn-looking specimen of the species actually +provided himself with a strong brick-bat, and having carefully covered it +with his many and bright-coloured bandana, preserved his gravity, and, +still more strange, his balance, with an irresistible degree of +mirth-creating composure. + +Their laziness and unequivocal antipathy to work is as true as proverbial. +We know an instance of it in which the master ordered his sable "help" to +carry a small box from the steam pier to the Astor-House Hotel, where his +newly-married wife, an English lady, was waiting for it; judge of her +surprise to see the dark gentleman arrive followed by an Irish lad bearing +the freight intended for himself. + +"Dar," said the domineering conductor; "dar, dat will do; put da box down +dar. Now, Missis, look here, jist give dat chap a shillin." + +"A shilling! What for?" + +"Cos he bring up dar plunder from de bay." + +"Why didn't you bring it yourself?" + +"Look here. Somehow I rader guess I should ha let dar box fall and +smashiated de contents, so I jist give dat white trash de job jest to let +de poor crittur arn a shillin." + +Remonstrance was vain, so the money was paid; the lady declaring, for the +future, should he think proper to employ a deputy, it must be at his own +expense. The above term "white trash" is the one commonly employed to +express their supreme contempt for the "low Irish wulgar set." + +Their dissensions among themselves are irresistibly comic. Threatening +each other in the most outrageous manner; pouring out invectives, +anathemas, and denunciations of the most deadly nature; but nine times in +ten letting the strife end without a blow; affording in their quarrels an +apt illustration of + + "A tale full of sound and fury, + Told by an idiot, signifying nothing." + +Suppose an affront, fancied or real, put by one on another, the common +commencement of ireful expostulations generally runs as follows:-- + +"Look here! you d--m black nigger; what you do dat for, Sar?" + +"Hoo you call black, Sar? D--m, as white as you, Sar; any day, Sar. You +nigger, Sar!" + +"Look here agin; don't you call me a nigger, Sar. Now, don't you do it." + +"Why not?" + +"Neber mind; I've told you on it, so don't you go to do it no more, you +mighty low black, cos if you do put my dander up, and make me wrasey, I +rader guess I'll smash in your nigger's head, like a bust-up egg-shell. +Ise a ring-tailed roarer, I tell you!" + +"Reckon I'm a Pottomus. Don't you go to put my steam up; d--d if don't +bust and scald you out. I'm nothing but a snorter--a pretty considerable +tarnation long team, and a couple of horses to spare; so jest be quiet, I +tell you, or I'll use you up uncommon sharp." + +"You use me up! Yoo, yoo! D--m! You and your wife and some nigger +children, all ob you, was sold for a hundred and fifty dollars less than +this nigger." + +"Look here, don't you say dat agin; don't you do it; I tell you, don't you +do it, or I'll jist give you such an almighty everlasting shaking, dat you +shall pray for a cold ague as a holiday. I'm worth considerable more +dollars dan sich a low black man as you is worth cents. Why, didn't dey +offer to give you away, only you such dam trash no one would take you, so +at last you was knocked down to a blind man." + +"What dat? Here! Stand clear dar behind, and get out ob de way in front, +I'm jist going to take a run and butt dat nigger out of de State. Let me +go, do you hear? Golly, if you hadn't held me he'd a been werry small +pieces by dis time. D--m, I'll break him up." + +"Yoo, yoo! Your low buck-shins neber carry your black head fast enough to +catch dis elegant nigger. You jist run; you'll find I'm nothing but an +alligator. You hab no more chance dan a black slug under de wheels of a +plunder-train carriage. You is unnoticeable by dis gentleman." + +"Dar dat good, gentleman! Golly, dat good! Look here, don't you neber +speak to me no more." + +"And look here, nigger, don't you neber speak to me." + +"See you d--m fust, black man." + +"See you scorched fust, nigger." + +"Good day, trash." + +"Good mornin, dirt!" + +So generally ends the quarrel; but about half-an-hour afterwards the Trash +and Dirt will generally be found lauding each other to the skies, and +cementing a new six hours' friendship over some brandy punch or a mint +julep. + + * * * * * + + +SONGS OF THE SEEDY.--No. VI. + + You bid me rove, Mary, + In the shady grove, Mary, + With you to the close of even; + But I can't, my dear, + For I must, I swear, + Be off at a quarter to seven. + + Nay, do not start, Mary; + Nor let your heart, Mary, + Be disturb'd in its innocent purity; + I'm sure that _you_ + Wouldn't have me do + My friend--my bail--my security! + + That tearful eye, Mary, + Seems to ask me why, Mary, + I can wait till sunset on'y. + Ah! turn not away; + I am out for the day + On a _Fleet_ and fleeting _pony_. + + Your wide open mouth, Mary, + With its breath like the south, Mary, + Seems to ask for an explanation. + Well, though not of the schools, + I live within _rules_, + And am subject to observation. + + But come to my arms, Mary; + Let no dread alarms, Mary, + In our present happiness warp us! + I've not the least doubt + Of soon getting out, + By a writ of _habeas corpus_. + + Away with despair, Mary; + Let us cast in the air, Mary, + His dark and gloomy fetters. + Why _should_ we be rack'd, + When we think of the Act + For relieving Insolvent Debtors. + + * * * * * + + +A MAYOR'S NEST. + +Our friend the Sir Peter Laureate wishes to know whether the work upon +"Horal Surgery" is not a new-invented description of almanack, as it is +announced as + +[Illustration: CURTIS ON THE EAR[1]] + + [1] _Qy_. Year.--Printer's Devil. + + * * * * * + + +THE PHYSIOLOGY OF THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT. + +5.--OF HIS MATURITY, AND LATIN EXAMINATION. + +The second season arrives, and our pupil becomes "a medical student" in +the fullest sense of the word. He has an indistinct recollection that +there are such things as wards in the hospital as well as in a key or the +city, and a vague wandering, like the morning's impression of the dreams +of the preceding night, that in the remote dark ages of his career he took +some notes upon the various lectures, the which have long since been +converted into pipe-lights or small darts, which, twisted up and propelled +from between the forefingers of each hand, fly with unerring aim across +the theatre at the lecturer's head, the slumbering student, or any other +object worth aiming at--an amusing way of beguiling the hour's lecture, +and only excelled by the sport produced, if he has the good luck to sit in +a sunbeam, from making a tournament of "Jack-o'-lanthorns" on the ceiling. +His locker in the lobby of the dissecting-room has long since been devoid +of apron, sleeves, scalpels, or forceps; but still it is not empty. Its +contents are composed of three bellpull-handles, a valuable series of +shutter-fastenings, two or three broken pipes, a pewter "go" (which, if +everybody had their own, would in all probability belong to Mr. Evans, of +Covent Garden Piazza), some scraps of biscuit, and a round knocker, which +forcibly recalls a pleasant evening he once spent, with the accompanying +anecdotes of how he "bilked the pike" at Waterloo Bridge, and poor Jones +got "jug'd" by mistake. + +It must not, however, be supposed that the student now neglects visiting +the dissecting-room. On the contrary, he is unremitting in his attendance, +and sometimes the first there of a morning, more especially when he has, +to use his own expression, been "going it rather fast than otherwise" the +evening before, and comes to the school very early in the morning to have +a good wash and refresh himself previously to snatching a little of the +slumber he has forgotten to take during the night, which he enjoys very +quietly in the injecting-room down stairs, amidst a heterogeneous +assemblage of pipkins, subjects, deal coffins, sawdust, inflated stomachs, +syringes, macerating tubs, and dried preparations. The dissecting-room is +also his favourite resort for refreshment, and he broils sprats and red +herrings on the fire-shovel with consummate skill, amusing himself during +the process of his culinary arrangements by sawing the corners off the +stone mantel-piece, throwing cinders at the new man, or seeing how long it +takes to bore a hole through one of the stools with a red-hot poker. +Indeed, these luckless pieces of furniture are always marked out by the +student as the fittest objects on which to wreak his destructive +propensities; and he generally discovers that the readiest way to do them +up is to hop steeple-chases upon them from one end of the room to the +other--a sporting amusement which shakes them to pieces, and irremediably +dislocates all their articulations, sooner than anything else. Of course +these pleasantries are only carried on in the absence of the demonstrator. +Should he be present, the industry of the student is confined to poking +the fire in the stove and then shutting the flue, or keeping down the ball +of the cistern by some abdominal hooks, and then, before the invasion of +smoke and water takes place, quietly joining a knot of new men who are +strenuously endeavouring to dissect the brain and discover the +_hippocampus major_, which they expect to find in the perfect similitude +of a sea-horse, like the web-footed quadrupeds who paw the "reality" in +the "area usually devoted to illusion," or tank, at the Adelphi Theatre. + +If one of the professors of his medical school chances to be addicted to +making anti-Martin experiments on animals, or the study of comparative +anatomy, the pursuits offer an endless fund of amusement to the jocose +student. He administers poison to the toxicological guinea-pigs; hunts the +rabbit kept for galvanism about the school; lets loose in the theatre, by +accident, the sparrows preserved to show the rapidly fatal action of +_choke-damp_ upon life; turns the bladders, which have been provided to +tie over bottles, into footballs; and makes daily contributions to the +plate of pebbles taken from the stomach of the ostrich, and preserved in +the museum to show the mode in which these birds assist digestion, until +he quadruples the quantity, and has the quiet satisfaction of seeing +exhibited at lecture, as the identical objects, the heap of small stones +which he has collected from time to time in the garden of the school, or +from any excavation for pipes or paving which he may have passed in his +route from his lodgings. + +The second or middle course of the three winter sessions which the medical +student is compelled to go through, is the one in which he most enjoys +himself, and indulges in those little outbreaks of eccentric mirth which +eminently qualify him for his future professional career. During the first +course he studies from novelty--during the last from compulsion; but the +middle one passes in unlimited sprees and perpetual half-and-half. The +only grand project he now undertakes is "going up for his Latin," provided +he had not courage to do so upon first coming to London. For some weeks +before this period he is never seen without an interlined edition of +Celsus and Gregory; not that he debars himself from joviality during the +time of his preparation, but he judiciously combines study with +amusement--never stirring without his translation in his pocket, and even, +if he goes to the theatre, beguiling the time between the pieces by +learning the literal order of a new paragraph. Every school possesses +circulating copies of these works: they have been originally purchased in +some wild moment of industrious extravagance by a new man; and when he +passed, he sold them for five shillings to another, who, in turn, disposed +of them to a third, until they had run nearly all through the school. The +student grinds away at these until he knows them almost by heart, albeit +his translation is not the most elegant. He reads--"_Sanus homo_, a sound +man; _qui_, who; _et_, also; _bene valet_, well is in health; _et_, and; +_suæ spontis_, of his own choice; _est_, is," &c. This, however, is quite +sufficient; and, accordingly, one afternoon, in a rash moment, he makes up +his mind to "go up." Arrived at Apothecaries' Hall--a building which he +regards with a feeling of awe far beyond the Bow-street Police Office--he +takes his place amongst the anxious throng, and is at last called into a +room, where two examiners politely request that he will favour them by +sitting down at a table adorned with severe-looking inkstands, long pens, +formal sheets of foolscap, and awfully-sized copies of the light +entertaining works mentioned above. One of the aforesaid examiners then +takes a pinch of snuff, coughs, blows his nose, points out a paragraph for +the student to translate, and leaves him to do it. He has, with a prudent +forethought, stuffed his cribs inside his double-breasted waistcoat, but, +unfortunately, he finds he cannot use them; so when he sticks at a queer +word he writes it on his blotting-paper and shoves it quietly on to the +next man. If his neighbour is a brick, he returns an answer; but if he is +not, our friend is compelled to take shots of the meaning and trust to +chance--a good plan when you are not certain what to do, either at +billiards or Apothecaries' Hall. Should he be fortunate enough to get +through, his schedule is endorsed with some hieroglyphics explanatory of +the auspicious event; and, in gratitude, he asks a few friends to his +lodgings that night, who have legions of sausages for supper, and drink +gin-and-water until three o'clock in the morning. It is not, however, +absolutely necessary that a man should go up himself to pass his Latin. We +knew a student once who, by a little judicious change of appearance--first +letting his hair grow very long, and then cutting it quite short--at one +time patronizing whiskers, and at another shaving himself perfectly +clean--now wearing spectacles, and now speaking through his nose--being, +withal, an excellent scholar, passed a Latin examination for half the men +in the hospital he belonged to, receiving from them, when he had +succeeded, the fee which, in most cases, they would have paid a private +teacher for preparing them. + +The medical student does not like dining alone; he is gregarious, and +attaches himself to some dining-rooms in the vicinity of his school, +where, in addition to the usual journals, they take in the Lancet and +Medical Gazette for his express reading. He is here the customer most +looked up to by the proprietor, and is also on excellent terms with +"Harriet," who confidentially tells him that the boiled beef is just up; +indeed, he has been seen now and then to put his arm round her waist and +ask her when she meant to marry him, which question Harriet is not very +well prepared to answer, as all the second season men have proposed to her +successively, and each stands equally well in her estimation, which is +kept up at the rate of a penny _per diem_. But Harriet is not the only +waiting domestic with whom he is upon friendly terms. The Toms, Charleses, +and Henrys of the supper-taverns enjoy equal familiarity; and when Nancy, +at Knight's, brings him oysters for two and asks him for the money to get +the stout, he throws down the shilling with an expression of endearment +that plainly intimates he does not mean to take back the fourpence change +out of the pot. Should he, however, in the course of his wanderings, go +into a strange eating-house, where he is not known, and consequently is +not paid becoming attention, his revenge is called into play, and he +gratifies it by the simple act of pouring the vinegar into the +pepper-castor, and emptying the contents of the salt-cellar into the +water-bottle before he gets up to walk away. + + * * * * * + + +EXPRESS FROM AMERICA. + +We are authorised to state there is a man in New Orleans so exceedingly +bright, that he uses the palm of his hand for a looking-glass. + + * * * * * + + +POLITICS OF THE OUTWARD MAN! + +Wisdom is to be purchased only of the tailor. Morality is synonymous with +millinery; whilst Truth herself--pictured by the poetry of the olden day +in angelic nakedness--must now be full-dressed, like a young lady at a +royal drawing-room, to be considered presentable. You may believe that a +man with a gash in his heart may still walk, talk, pay taxes, and perform +all the other duties of a highly civilised citizen; but to believe that +the same man with a hole in his coat can discourse like a reasoning +animal, is to be profoundly ignorant of those sympathetic subtleties +existing between a man's brain and a man's broad-cloth. Party politics +have developed this profound truth--the divine reason of the immortal +creature escapes through ragged raiment; a fractured skull is not so fatal +to the powers of ratiocination as a rent in the nether garments. GOD'S +image loses the divine lustre of its origin with its nap of super-Saxony. +The sinful lapse of ADAM has thrown all his unfortunate children upon the +mercies of the tailor; and that mortal shows least of the original stain +who wraps about it the richest purple and the finest linen. Hence, if you +would know the value of a man's heart, look at his waistcoat. + +Philosophers and anatomists have quarrelled for centuries as to the +residence of the soul. Some have vowed that it lived here--some there; +some that, like a gentleman with several writs in pursuit of him, it +continually changed its lodgings; whilst others have lustily sworn that +the soul was a vagrant, with no claim to any place of settlement whatever. +Nevertheless, a vulgar notion has obtained that the soul dwelt on a little +knob of the brain; and that there, like a vainglorious bantam-cock on a +dunghill, it now claps its wings and crows all sorts of triumph--and now, +silent and scratching, it thinks of nought but wheat and barley. The first +step to knowledge is to confess to a late ignorance. We avow, then, our +late benighted condition. We were of the number of sciolists who lodged +the soul in the head of man: we are now convinced that the true dwelling +place of the soul is in the head's antipodes. Let SOLOMON himself return +to the earth, and hold forth at a political meeting; SOLOMON himself would +be hooted, laughed at, voted an ass, a nincompoop, if SOLOMON spoke from +the platform with a hole in his breeches! + +PLATO doubtless thought that he had imagined a magnificent theory, when he +averred that every man had within him a spark of the divine flame. But, +silly PLATO! he never considered how easily this spark might be blown out. +At this moment, how many Englishmen are walking about the land utterly +extinguished! Had men been made on the principle of the safety-lamp, they +might have defied the foul breath of the world's opinion--but, alas! what +a tender, thin-skinned, shivering thing is man! His covering--the livery +of original sin, bought with the pilfered apples--is worn into a hole, and +Opinion, that sour-breathed hag, claps her blue lips to the broken web, +gives a puff, and--out goes man's immortal spark! From this moment the +creature is but a carcase: he can eat and drink (when lucky enough to be +able to try the experiment), talk, walk, and no more; yes, we forgot--he +can work; he still keeps precedence of the ape in the scale of +creation--for he can work for those who, thickly clothed, and buttoned to +the throat, have no rent in their purple, no stitch dropped in their +superfine, to expose their precious souls to an annihilating gust, and who +therefore keep their immortal sparks like tapers in burglars' +dark-lanthorns, whereby to rob and spoil with greater certainty! + +Gentle reader, think you this a fantastic chapter on holes? If so, then of +a surety you do not read those instructive annals of your country penned +by many a TACITUS of the daily press--by many a profound historian who +unites to the lighter graces of stenography the enduring loveliness of +philosophy. + +Some days since a meeting was held in the parish of Saint Pancras of the +"Young Men's Anti-Monopoly Association." The place of gathering, says the +reporter, was "a ruined _penny_ theatre!" It is evident in the brain of +the writer that the small price at which the theatre was ruined made its +infamy: to be blighted for a penny was the shame. Drury Lane and Covent +Garden have been ruined over and over again--but then their ruin, like +PHRYNE'S, has ever been at a large price of admission; hence, like court +harlots, their ruin has been dignified by high remuneration. What, +however, could be expected from a theatre that, with inconceivable +wickedness, suffered itself to be undone for a penny? Let the reporter +answer:-- + + "---- FORSTER, Esq., advanced, and, assuming _a teapot position_ + on the stage, moved the first resolution, to the effect 'That the + bread-tax was the cause of all distress, and that they should use + their strenuous efforts to remove it.' 'Ladies (there was one old + woman _in a shocking bad black and white straw bonnet present_) + and gentlemen (said he), this is a public meeting to all intents + and purposes.'" + +For ourselves we care not for an orator's standing like a teapot, if what +he pours out be something better than mere hot-water or dead small beer. +If, however, we were to typify orators in delf, there are many Tory +talkers whom we would associate with more ignominious shapes of crockery +than that of a teapot--senators who are taken by the handle, and by their +party used for the dirtiest offices. + +We now come to the bad old woman whose excess of iniquity was blazoned in +her "bad black and white straw bonnet." This woman might have been an +ASPASIA, a DE STAEL, a Mrs. SOMERVILLE,--nay, the SYBILLA CUMEA herself. +What of that? The "bad" bonnet must sink the large souled Grecian to a +cinder-wench, make the Frenchwoman a trapes from the Palais Royal, our +fair astronomer a gipsy of Greenwich Park, and the fate-foretelling sybil +a crone crawled from the worst garret of Battle-bridge. The head is +nothing; the bonnet's all. Think you that Mrs. Somerville could have +studied herself into reputation, that the moon and stars would have +condescended to smile upon her, if she had not attended their evening +parties in a handsome turban, duly plumed and jewelled? + +Come we now to the next recorded atrocity:-- + + "There jumped now upon the stage _a red-haired, laughing-hyena + faced, fustian-coated biped_, exclaiming--'My name is Wall! I have + a substantive amendment to move to the resolution now + proposed--('Go off, off! ooh, ooh, ooh! turn him out, out, out!') + We are met in a place where religion is taught (groans). Well, + then, we are met where they "teach the young idea how to + shoot"'--(laughter, groans, and 'Go on, Wall.') Turning to the + young _gents_ on the platform, 'You,' quoth Mr. Wall, 'have not + read history: you clerks at 16s. a week, with your gold chains and + pins.'" + +Red hair was first made infamous by JUDAS ISCARIOT; hence the reporter not +only shows the intensity of his Christianity, but his delicate knowledge +of human character, by the fine contempt cast upon the felon locks of the +speaker. Red hair is doubtless the brand of Providence; the mark set upon +guilty man to give note and warning to his unsuspicious fellow-creatures. +Like the scarlet light at the North Foreland, it speaks of shoals, and +sands, and flats. The emperor Commodus, who had all his previous life +rejoiced in flaxen locks, woke, the morning after his first contest in the +arena, a red-haired man! But then, with a fine knowledge of the wholesome +prejudices of the world, he turned the curse upon his head into a beauty; +for he--powdered it with gold-dust. Could Mr. WALL, of the penny theatre, +induce the Master of the Mint to play his _coiffeur_, how would the +reporter fall on his knees and worship the divinity! + +Mr. WALL, being of the opposite faction, in addition to the unpowdered +ignominy of his hair, has also the face of a hyena! This fact opens a +question too vast for our one solitary page. We lack at least the +amplitude of a quarto to prove that all men are fashioned, even in the +womb, with features that shall hereafter beautifully harmonise with the +politics of the grown creature. Now WALL, being ordained a poor man and a +Chartist, is endowed with a "laughing hyena" countenance. He even loses +the vantage ground of our common humanity, and is sunk by his poverty and +his politics to the condition of a beast, and of a most unamiable beast +into the bargain. However, the vast enfolding iniquity is yet to be +displayed and duly shuddered at; for _WALL_, the biped hyena, wears--a +fustian coat! + +As journalists, we trust we have our common share--which is no little--of +human vanity. Nevertheless, with the highest private opinion of our own +powers, we feel we can add nothing to the picture drawn by the reporter. +The fustian coat, with a tongue in every button-hole, discourses on its +own inwoven infamy. + +We recognise with great pleasure a growing custom on the part of political +reporters to merge the orators and listeners at public meetings in their +several articles of dress. This practice has doubtless originated in a +most philosophical consideration of the sympathies between the outer and +the inner man, and has its source in the earliest records of human life. +The patriarchs rent their garments in token of the misery that lacerated +their souls: then rags and tatters were ennobled by sorrow--there was a +deep sentiment in sackcloth and ashes. We have, however, improved upon the +ignorance of primitive days; and though we still admit the covering of man +to be typical of his condition of mind, we wisely keep our respect for +super-Saxony, and expend contempt and ridicule on corduroy and fustian. We +yet hope to see the day when certain political meetings will be briefly +reported as follow:-- + + "Faded Blue Coat, with tarnished Brass Buttons, took the chair. + + "Velveteen Jacket moved the first resolution, which was seconded + by Check Shirt and Ankle-jacks. + + "Brown Great Coat, with holes in elbows, moved the second + resolution--seconded by Greasy Drab Breeches and Dirty Leather + Gaiters. + + "After thanks to Blue Coat had been moved by Brown Surtout and + Crack under both Arms, the Fustian Jackets departed." + +Would not this be quite sufficient? Knowing the philosophy of appearance +in England, might we not by our imagination supply a truer speech to every +orator than could be taken down by the most faithful reporter? + +Q. + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH'S PENCILLINGS.--No. XVI. + +[Illustration: THE NEW PARLIAMENTARY MASONS. + +"WE HAVE A PLAN, WHICH, FROM ITS ORIGINALITY, SHOULD DRAW DOWN UPON US THE +GRATITUDE OF THE NATION.... WE PROPOSE THAT, DURING THE PROROGATION, AT +LEAST, MEMBERS OF PARLIAMENT, SHOULD, LIKE BEAVERS, BUILD THEIR OWN +HOUSES." + +_Vide_ PUNCH, _No. 14, page 162_.] + + * * * * * + + +LIST OF THE PREMIUMS + +AWARDED BY THE + +HOOKHAM-CUM-SNIVEY LITERARY AND SCIENTIFIC SOCIETY, + +FOR THE YEAR 1841. + + +FIRST PREMIUM. + +MANAGEMENT OF LANDED PROPERTY. + +To Count D'Orsay, for the most approved Essay on Cultivating a Flower Pot, +and the Expediency of growing Mignionette in preference to Sweet Pea on +the Window-sills-- + + _The Pasteboard Medal of the Society._ + + +SECOND PREMIUM. + +METHOD OF GROWING PERMANENT WHISKERS. + +To Colonel Sibthorp, for a Report of several successful Experiments in +laying down his own Cheeks for a permanent growth of Whisker, with a +description of the most approved Hair-fence worn on the Chin, and the +exact colour adapted to all seasons-- + + _The Pasteboard Medal and a Bottle of Balm of Columbia._ + + +THIRD PREMIUM. + +IMPROVING THE CONDITION OF THE POOR, BY INVENTING A VALUABLE SUBSTITUTE +FOR MEAT, BREAD, VEGETABLES, AND OTHER MASTICATORY ALIMENT. + +To the Poor-Law Commissioners, for their valuable Essay on Cheap Feeding, +and an Account of several Experiments made in the Unions throughout the +Kingdom; by which they have satisfactorily demonstrated that a man may +exist on stewed chips and sawdust--also for their original receipt for +making light, cheap workhouse soup, with a gallon of water and a +gooseberry-- + + _The Pasteboard Medal and a Mendicity Ticket._ + + +FOURTH PREMIUM. + +QUANTITY OF BRAINS REQUIRED TO MAKE A MEMBER OF PARLIAMENT. + +To Peter Borthwick, for his ingenious Treatise, proving logically that a +Member requires no Brains, instancing his own case, where the deficiency +was supplied by the length of his ears-- + + _The Pewter Medal, and a Copy of Enfield's Speaker._ + + +FIFTH PREMIUM. + +AMOUNT OF CASH REQUIRED BY A GENTLEMAN TO KEEP A WALKING-STICK, A PAIR OF +MOUSTACHES, AND A CIGAR. + +To the Society of Law Clerks, for the best Account of how Fifteen +Shillings a week may be managed, to enable the Possessor to "draw it +rather brisk" after office-hours in Regent-street, including board and +lodging for his switch and spurs, and Warren's jet for his Wellingtons-- + + _The Tin Medal and a Penny Cuba._ + + +SIXTH PREMIUM. + +FATTENING ALDERMEN. + +To Sir Peter Laurie, for a Bill of Fare of the various viands demolished +at the Lord Mayors' Dinners for the last ten years--also, for an account +of certain experiments made to ascertain the contents of the Board of +Aldermen at City Feasts, by the application of a new regulating-belt, +called the Gastronometer-- + + _A German Silver Medal and a Gravy Spoon._ + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH'S REVIEW. + +THE MEMOIRS OF MADAME LAFFARGE. + + The title, I think, will strike. The fashion, you know, now, is to + do away with old prejudices, and to rescue certain characters from + the illiberal odium with which custom has marked them. Thus we + have a generous Israelite, an amiable cynic, and so on. Now, Sir, + I call my play--_The Humane Footpad_.--SYLVESTER DAGGERWOOD. + + +Some four or five seasons since, the eccentric Buckstone produced a +three-act farce, which, by dint of its after title--_The School for +Sympathy_--and of much highly comic woe, exhibited in the acting of Farren +and Nisbett, was presented to uproariously-affected audiences during some +score nights. The hinge of the mirth was made to turn upon the +irresistible drollery of one man's running away with another man's wife, +and the outrageous fun of the consequent suicide of the injured husband; +the _bons mots_ being most tragically humorous, and the aphorisms of the +several characters facetiously concatenative of the nouns contained in the +leading name of the piece--"_Love_ and _Murder_." + +Now this was a magnificent idea--one of those brilliant efforts which +cannot but tend to lift the theatre in the estimation of every man of +delicacy and education. A new source of attraction was at once +discovered,--a vast fund of available fuel was suddenly found to recruit +the cinerulent embers of the drama withal. It became evident that, after +Joe Miller, the ordinary of Newgate was the funniest dog in the world. +Manslaughter, arson, and the more practical jokes in the Calendar, were +already familiar to the stage; it was a refinement of the Haymarket +authors to introduce those livelier sallies of wit--crim. con. and +felo-de-se. The "immense coalitions" of all manner of crimes and vices in +the subsequent "highway school"--the gradual development of every +unnatural tendency in the youthful Jack Sheppard (another immor-t-al work +by the author of the afore-lauded comedy)--the celebration, by a classic +chaunt, of his reaching the pinnacle of depravity; this was the _ne plus +ultra_ of dramatic invention. Robbers and murderers began to be treated, +after the Catholic fashion, with extreme unction; audiences were +intoxicated with the new drop; sympathy became epidemic; everybody was +bewildered and improved; and nobody went and threw themselves off the +Monument with a copy of the baleful drama in his pocket! + +But the magnificence of the discovery was too large to be grasped by even +the gluttonous eye of the managers, The Adelphi might overflow--the Surrey +might quake with reiterated "pitsfull"--still there remained over and +above the feast-crumbs sufficient for the battenings of other than +theatrical appetites. Immediately the press-gang--we beg pardon, the +_press_--arose, and with a mighty throe spawned many monsters. Great +drama! _Greater Press!_ GREATEST PUBLIC! + +Now this was all excellent well as far as it went; but still there was +something wanted of more reality than the improvisations of a romancist. +Ainsworth might dip his pen in the grossest epithets; Boz might dabble in +the mysterious dens of Hebrew iniquity; even Bulwer might hash up to us +his recollections of St. Giles's dialogue; and yet it was evident that +they were all the while only "shamming"--only cooking up some dainty dish +according to a _recipe_, or, as it is still frequently pronounced, a +_receipt_,--which last, with such writers, will ever be the guide-post of +their track. + +But something more was wanted; and here it is--here, in the Memoirs of +Marie Cappelle. + +This lady, perhaps the most remarkable woman of her age, has published a +book--half farce, half novel--in which she treats by turns with the +clap-trap agony of a Bulwer, the quaint sneer of a Dickens, and the +effrontery of an Ainsworth, that serious charge which employed the careful +investigation of the most experienced men in France for many weeks, and +which excited a degree of interest in domestic England almost unexampled +in the history of foreign trials. This work is published by a gentleman +who calls himself "Publisher in ordinary to her Majesty," and may be +procured at any book-seller's by all such as have a guinea and a day's +leisure at the mercy of the literary charlatan who contrived it. + +In the strictest confidence we would suggest, that if a treaty could be +ratified with Madame Marie Cappelle Laffarge, we do not doubt that our +nursery--yea, our laundry--maids would learn to spell the precious +sentences, to their own great edification and that of the children placed +under their charge. + + * * * * * + + +OUR TRADE REPORT. + +Coals are a shade blacker than they were last week, but not quite so +heavy; and turnips are much lighter than they have been known for a very +considerable period. + +Great complaints are made of the ticketing system; and persons going to +purchase shawls, as they supposed, at nine-pence three-farthings each, are +disgusted at being referred to a very small one pound sixteen marked very +lightly in pencil immediately before the 9-3/4d., which is very large and +in very black ink. There were several transactions of this kind during the +whole morning. + +The depressed state of the Gossamer-market has long been a subject of +conversation among the four-and-niners who frequent the cheap coffee-shops +in the City; but no one knows the cause of what has taken place, nor can +they exactly state what the occurrence is that they are so loudly +complaining of. + +Bones continue to fetch a penny for two pounds; but great murmurs are +heard of the difficulty of making up a pound equal to the very liberal +weights which the marine-store keepers use when making their _purchases_; +they, however, make up for it by using much lighter weights when they +sell, which is so far fair and satisfactory. + +The arrivals in baked potatoes have been very numerous; fifty cans were +entered outwards on Saturday. + + * * * * * + + +RELATIVE GENTILITY. + +Two ladies of St. Giles's disputing lately on the respectability of each +other's family, concluded the debate in the following way:--"Mrs. Doyle, +ma'am, I'd have you know that I've an uncle a _bannister_ of the law." +"Much about your _bannister_," retorted Mrs. Doyle; "haven't I a first +cousin a _corridor_ in the navy?" + + * * * * * + + +KEEPING IT DARK. + +Jim Bones, a free nigger of New York, has a child so exceedingly dark that +he cannot be seen on the lightest day. + + * * * * * + + +THE GENTLEMAN'S OWN BOOK. + +REVENONS A NOS MOUTONS--i.e. (for the benefit of country members) to +return to our mutton, or rather the "trimmings." The ornaments which +notify the pecuniary superiority of the wearer include chains, rings, +studs, canes, watches, and purses. _Chains_ should be of gold, and cannot +be too ostentatiously displayed; for a proper disposition of these +"braveries" is sure to induce the utmost confidence in the highly useful +occupants of Pigot's and Robson's Directory. We have seen some waistcoats +so elaborately festooned, that we would stake our inkstand that the most +unbelieving money-lender would have taken the personal security of the +wearer without hesitation. The perfection to which mosaic-work has arrived +may possibly hold out a strong temptation to the thoughtless to substitute +the shadow for the reality. Do not deceive yourself; an experienced eye +will instantly detect the imposition, though your ornaments may be + +[Illustration: FRESH EVERY DAY;] + +for, we will defy any true gentleman to preserve an equanimity of +expression under the hint--either visual or verbal--that (to use the +language of the poet) you are "a man of brass." + +We have a faint recollection of a class of gentlemen who used to attach an +heterogeneal collection of massive seals and keys to one end of a chain, +and a small church-clock to the other. The chain then formed a pendulum in +front of their small-clothes, and the dignified oscillation of the +appendages was considered to distinguish the gentleman. They were also +used as auxiliaries in argument; for whenever an hiatus occurred in the +discussion, the speaker, by having resort to his watch-chain, could +frequently confound his adversary by commencing a series of rapid +gyrations. But the fashion has descended to merchants, lawyers, doctors, +_et sui generis_, who never drive bargains, ruin debtors, kill patients, +_et cetera_, without having recourse to this imposing decoration. + +_Rings_ are the next indicators of superfluous cash. As they are _merely +ornamental_, they should resemble vipers, tapeworms, snakes, toads, +monkey's, death's heads, and similar engaging and pleasing subjects. The +more liberally the fingers are enriched, the greater the assurance that +the hand is never employed in any useful labour, and is consequently only +devoted to the minisitration of indulgences, and the exhibition of those +elegant productions which distinguish the highly-civilised gentleman from +the _highly-tattooed_ savage. + +Mourning-rings have an air of extreme respectability; for they are always +suggestive of a legacy, and of the fact that you have been connected with +somebody who was not buried at the expense of the parish. + +_Studs_ should be selected with the greatest possible care, and in our +opinion the small gold ones can only be worn by a perfect gentleman; for +whilst they perform their required office, they do not distract the +attention from the quality and whiteness of your linen. Some that we have +seen were evidently intended for cabinet pictures, rifle targets and +breast-plates. + +_Pins._--These necessary adjuncts to the cravat of a gentleman have +undergone a singular revolution during late years; but we confess we are +admirers of the present fashion, for if it is desirable to indulge in an +ornament, it is equally desirable that everybody should be gratified by +the exhibition thereof. We presume that it is with this commendable +feeling that pins'-heads (whose smallness in former days became a proverb) +should now resemble the apex of a beadle's staff; and, as though to make +"assurance doubly sure," a plurality is absolutely required for the +decoration of a gentleman. In these times, when political partisanship is +so exceedingly violent, why not make the pins indicative of the opinions +of the wearer, as the waistcoat was in the days of Fox. We could suggest +some very appropriate designs; for instance, the heads of Peel and Wakley, +connected by a _very_ slight link--Sibthorp and Peter Borthwick by a +series of long-car rings--Muntz and D'Israeli cut out of very hard wood, +and united by a hair-chain; and many others too numerous to mention. + + * * * * * + + +HAMLET'S SOLILOQUY. + +PARODIED BY A XX TEETOTALLER. + + To drink, or not to drink? That is the question. + Whether 'tis nobler inwardly to suffer + The pangs and twitchings of uneasy stomach, + Or to take brandy-toddy 'gainst the colic, + And by imbibing end it? To drink,--to sleep,-- + To snore;--and, by a snooze, to say we end + The head-ache, and the morning's parching thirst + That drinking's heir to;--'tis a consummation + Devoutly to be wish'd. To drink,--to pay,-- + To pay the waiter's bill?--Ay--there's the rub; + For in that snipe-like bill, a stop may come, + When we would shuffle off our mortal score, + Must give us pause. There's the respect + That makes sobriety of so long date; + For who could bear to hear the glasses ring + In concert clear--the chairman's ready toast-- + The pops of out-drawn corks--the "hip hurrah!" + The eloquence of claret--and the songs, + Which often through the noisy revel break, + When a man--might his quietus make + With a full bottle? Who would sober be, + Or sip weak coffee through the live-long night; + But that the dread of being laid upon + That stretcher by policemen borne, on which + The reveller reclines,--puzzles me much, + And makes me rather tipple ginger beer, + Than fly to brandy, or to-- + [Illustration: --HODGE'S SIN?] + Thus poverty doth make us Temp'rance men. + + * * * * * + + +"TRY OUR BEST SYMPATHY." + +It is a fact, when the deputation of the distressed manufacturers waited +upon Sir Robert Peel to represent to him their destitute condition, that +the Right Honourable Baronet declared he felt the deepest sympathy for +them. This is all very fine--but we fear greatly, if Sir Robert should be +inclined to make a commercial speculation of his _sympathy_, that he would +go into the market with + +[Illustration: A VERY SMALL STOCK-IN(G) TRADE.] + + * * * * * + + +THE MAN OF HABIT. + +I meet with men of this character very frequently, and though I believe +that the stiff formality of the past age was more congenial than the +present to the formation and growth of these peculiar beings, there are +still a sufficient number of the species in existence for the +philosophical cosmopolite to study and comment upon. + +A true specimen of a _man of habit_ should be an old bachelor,--for +matrimony deranges the whole clock-work system upon which he piques +himself. He could never endure to have his breakfast delayed for one +second to indulge "his soul's far dearer part" with a prolonged morning +dream; and he dislikes children, because the noisy urchins make a point of +tormenting him wherever he goes. The Man of Habit has a certain hour for +all the occupations of his life; he allows himself twenty minutes for +shaving and dressing; fifteen for breakfasting, in which time he eats two +slices of toast, drinks two cups of coffee, and swallows two eggs boiled +for two and a half minutes by an infallible chronometer. After breakfast +he reads the newspaper, but lays it down in the very heart and pith of a +clever article on his own side of the question, the moment his time is up. +He has even been known to leave the theatre at the very moment of the +_dénouement_ of a deeply-interesting play rather than exceed his limited +hour by five minutes. He will be out of temper all day, if he does not +find his hat on its proper nail and his cane in its allotted corner. He +chooses a particular walk, where he may take his prescribed number of +turns without interruption, for he would prefer suffering a serious +inconvenience rather than be obliged to quicken or slacken his pace to +suit the speed of a friend who might join him. My uncle Simon was a +character of this cast. I could take it on my conscience to assert that, +every night for the forty years preceding his death, he had one foot in +the bed on the first stroke of 11 o'clock, and just as the last chime had +tolled, that he was enveloped in the blankets to his chin. I have known +him discharge a servant because his slippers were placed by his bed-side +for contrary feet; and I have won a wager by betting that he would turn +the corner of a certain street at precisely three minutes before ten in +the morning. My uncle used to frequent a club in the City, of which he had +become the oracle. Precisely at eight o'clock he entered the room--took +his seat in a leather-backed easy chair in a particular corner--read a +certain favourite journal--drank two glasses of rum toddy--smoked four +pipes--and was always in the act of putting his right arm into the sleeve +of his great-coat, to return home, as the clock struck ten. The cause of +my uncle's death was as singular as his life was whimsical. He went one +night to the club, and was surprised to find his seat occupied by a tall +dark-browed man, who smoked a _meerschaum_ of prodigious size in solemn +silence. Numerous hints were thrown out to the stranger that the seat had +by prescriptive right and ancient custom become the property of my uncle; +he either did not or would not understand them, and continued to keep his +possession of the leather-backed chair with the most imperturbable +_sang-froid_. My uncle in despair took another seat, and endeavoured to +appear as if nothing had occurred to disturb him,--but he could not +dissimulate. He was pierced to the heart,--and + +[Illustration: "I SAW THE IRON ENTER HIS SOLE."] + +My uncle left the club half-an-hour before his time; he returned +home--went to bed without winding his watch--and the next morning he was +found lifeless in his bed. + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH'S POLITICAL ECONOMY. + +The subject of political economy is becoming so general a portion of +education, that it will doubtless soon be introduced at the infant schools +among the other eccentric evolutions or playful whirls of _Mr. +Wilder-spin_. At it is the fashion to comprehend nothing, but to have a +smattering of everything, we beg leave to smatter our readers with a very +thin layer of political economy. In the first place, "political" means +"political," and "economy" signifies "economy," at least when taken +separately; but put them together, and they express all kinds of +extravagance. Political economy contemplates the possibility of labouring +without work, eating without food, and living without the means of +subsistence. Social, or individual economy, teaches to live _within_ our +means; political economy calls upon us to live _without_ them. In the +debates, when more than usual time has been wasted in talking the most +_extravagant_ stuff, ten to one that there has been a good deal of +_political economy_. If you bother a poor devil who is dying of want, and +speak to him about _consumption_, it is probably "political economy" that +you will have addressed to him. If you talk to a man sinking with hunger +about _floating_ capital, you will no doubt have given him the benefit of +a few hints in "political economy:" while, if to a wretch in tattered rags +you broach the theory of _rent_, he must be an ungrateful beast indeed if +he does not appreciate the blessings of "political economy." That "labour +is wealth" forms one of the most refreshing axioms of this delicious +science; and if brought to the notice of a man breaking stones on the +road, he would perhaps wonder where his wealth might be while thinking of +his labour, but he could not question your proficiency in "political +economy." In fact, it is the most political and most economical science in +the world, if it can only be made to achieve its object, which is to +persuade the hard-working classes that they are the richest people in the +universe, for their labour gives value, and value gives wealth; but who +gets the value and the wealth is a consideration that does not fall within +the province of "political economy." + +There is another branch of the subject at which we shall merely glance; +but one hint will open up a wide field of observation to the student. The +branch to which we allude is the tremendous extent to which political +economy is carried by those who interfere so much in politics with so very +little political knowledge, and who consequently display a most surprising +share of "political economy," + +As a very little goes a great way, and particularly as the most diminutive +portion of knowledge communicated by ourselves is, like the "one small +pill constituting a dose," much more efficacious than the 40 Number Ones +and 50 Number Twos of the mere quacks, we close for the present our +observations on _Political Economy_. + + * * * * * + + +ON THE KEY-VIVE. + +There can be no doubt as to the _primâ facie_ evidence of the hostile +intentions of the destroyed American steamer, with respect to the +disaffected on Navy Island, as, from the acknowledged inquisitiveness of +the gentler sex, there can be no doubt that _Caroline_ would have a +natural predilection for + +[Illustration: PRIVATE (H)EERING.] + + * * * * * + + +LAST NEW SAYINGS. + +_Come, none of your raillery_; as the stage-coach indignantly said to the +steam-engine. + +_That "strain" again_; as the Poor-law Commissioner generously said to the +water-gruel sieve. + +_I paid very dear for my whistle_; as the steam-engine emphatically said +to the railroad. + +_Peel for ever!_ as the church bells joyously said to Conservative hearts. + + * * * * * + + +There is at present a man in New York whose temper is so exceedingly hot +that he invariably reduces all his shirts to tinder. + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH'S THEATRE. + +THE MAID OF HONOUR. + +The Adelphi "Correspondent from Paris" has favoured that Theatre with an +adaptation of Scribe's "_Verre d'Eau_," which he has called "The Maid of +Honour." + +Everybody must remember that, last year, the trifling affair of the +British Government was settled by the far more momentous consideration of +who should be Ladies of the Bed-chamber. The Parisians, seeing the +dramatic capabilities of this incident, put it into a farce, resting the +whole affair upon the shoulders of a former Queen whose Court was +similarly circumstanced. This is the piece which Mr. Yates has had the +daring to get done into English, and transplanted into Spain, and +interspersed with embroidery, confectionary, and a Spanish sentence; the +last judiciously entrusted to that accomplished linguist, Mr. John +Saunders. + +Soon after the rising of the curtain, we behold the figure of Mr. Yates +displayed to great advantage in the dress usually assigned to _Noodle_ and +_Doodle_ in the tragedy of "Tom Thumb." He represents the _Count +Ollivarez_, and the head of a political party--the opposition. The Court +faction having for its chief the _Duchess of Albafurez_, who being +Mistress of the Queen's robes is of course her favourite; for the +millinery department of the country which can boast of a Queen Regnant is +of far higher importance than foreign or financial affairs, justice, +police, or war--consequently, the chief of the wardrobe is far more +exalted and better beloved than a mere Premier or Secretary of State. The +Count is planning an intrigue, the agents of which are to be _Henrico_, a +Court page, and _Felicia_, a court milliner. Not being able to make much +of the page, he turns over a new leaf, and addresses himself to the +dress-maker; so, after a few preliminary hems, he draws out the thread of +his purpose to her, and cuts out an excellent pattern for her guidance, +which if she implicitly follow will assuredly make her a Maid of Honour. + +A comedy without mystery is Punch without a joke; Yates without a speech +to the audience on a first night; or Bartley's pathos without a +pocket-handkerchief. The Court page soon opens the book of _imbroglio_. He +is made a Captain of the Queen's Guard by some unknown hand; he has always +been protected by the same unseen benefactor, who, as if to guard him from +every ill that flesh is heir to, showers on him his or her favours upon +condition that he never marries! "Happy man," exclaims the Count. "Not at +all," answers the other, "I am in love with _Felicia_!" Nobody is +surprised at this, for it is a rule amongst dramatists never to forbid the +banns until the banned, poor devil, is on the steps of the altar. +_Henrico_, now a Captain, goes off to flesh his sword; meets with an +insult, and by the greatest good luck kills his antagonist in the +precincts of the palace; so that if he be not hanged for murder, his +fortune is made. The victim is the Count's cousin, to whom he is next of +kin. "Good Heavens!" ejaculates _Ollivarez_, "You have made yourself a +criminal, and me--a Duke! Horrible!" + +By the way, this same _Henrico_, as performed by that excellent swimmer +(in the water-piece), Mr. Spencer Forde, forms a very entertaining +character. His imperturbable calmness while uttering the heart-stirring +words, assigned by the author to his own description of the late +affair-of-honourable assassination, was highly edifying to the philosophic +mind. The pleasing and amiable tones in which he stated how irretrievably +he was ruined, the dulcet sweetness of the farewell to his heart's adored, +the mathematical exactitude of his position while embracing her, the cool +deliberation which marked his exit--offered a picture of calm stoicism +just on the point of tumbling over the precipice of destruction not to be +equalled--not, at least, since those halcyon dramatic days when +Osbaldiston leased Covent Garden, and played _Pierre_. + +Somehow or other--for one must not be too particular about the wherefores +of stage political intrigues--_Felicia_ is promoted from the office of +making dresses for the Queen to that of putting them on. Behold her a maid +of honour and of all-work; for the Queen takes her into her confidence, +and in that case people at Court have an immense variety of duties to +perform. The Duchess's place is fast becoming a sinecure, and she trembles +for her influence--perhaps, in case of dismissal, for her next quarter's +salary to boot--so she shakes in her shoes. + +It is at this stage of the plot that we perceive why the part of _Henrico_ +was entrusted to the gentleman who plays it,--the mystery we have alluded +to being by this arrangement very considerably increased; for we now learn +that no fewer than three ladies in the piece are in love with him, namely, +_Felicia_, the Queen, and the Duchess. Now the most penetrating auditor +would never, until actually informed of the fact, for a moment suspect a +Queen, or even a Duchess, of such bad taste; for, as far as our experience +goes, we have generally found that women do not cast their affections to +men who are sheepish, insensible, cold, ungainly, with small voices, and +not more than five feet high. Surprise artfully excited and cleverly +satisfied is the grand aim of the dramatist. How completely is it here +fulfilled! for when we discover that the personator of Henrico is meant +for an Adonis, we _are_ astonished. + +The truth is then, that the secret benefactor of this supposed-to-be +irresistible youth has always been the _Duchess Albafurez_, who, learning +from _Ollivarez_ that her pet has new claims upon her heart for having +killed her friend the Duke, determines to assist him to escape, which +however is not at all necessary, for Ollivarez is entrusted with the +warrant for apprehending the person or persons unknown who did the murder. +But could he injure the man who has made him a Duke by a lucky +_coup-d'épée_? No, no. Let him cross the frontier; and, when he is out of +reach, what thundering denunciations will not the possessor of the dukedom +fulminate against the killer of his cousin! It is shocking to perceive how +intimately acquainted old Scribe must be with manners, customs, and +feelings, as they exist at Court. + +The necessary passports are placed before the Queen for her signature +(perhaps her Spanish Majesty can't afford clerks); but when she perceives +whom they threaten to banish from behind her chair, she declines honouring +them with her autograph. The Duchess thus learns her secret. "She, too, +love Henrico? Well I never!" About this time a tornado of jealousy may be +expected; but court etiquette prevents it from bursting; and the Duchess +reserves her revenge, the Queen sits down to her embroidery frame, and one +is puzzled to know what is coming next. + +This puzzle was not on Monday night long in being resolved. _Ollivarez_ +entered, and a child in the gallery commenced crying with that persevering +quality of tone which threatens long endurance. Mr. Yates could not resist +the temptation; and Ollivarez, the newly-created Duke of Medina, promised +the baby a free admission for four, any other night, if it would only +vacate the gallery just then. These terms having been assented to by a +final screech, the infant left the gallery. After an instant's +pause--during which the Manager tapped his forehead, as much as to say, +"Where did I leave off?"--the piece went on. + +We had no idea till last night how difficult it was for a Queen to indulge +in a bit of flirtation! A most elaborate intrigue is, it seems, necessary +to procure for her a tender interview with her innamorato. A plan was +invented, whose intricacy would have bothered the inventor of +spinning-jennies, whereby _Henrico_ was to be closeted with her most +Christian Majesty,--its grand accomplishment to take place when the Queen +called for a glass of ice (the original _Scribe_ wrote "water," but the +Adelphi adapter thought ice would be more natural, for fear the piece +should run till Christmas). The Duchess overhears the entire plot, but +fails in frustrating it. Hence we find _Henrico, Felicia_, and the Queen +together, going through a well-contrived and charmingly-conducted scene of +equivoque--the Queen questioning _Henrico_ touching the state of his +heart, and he answering her in reference to _Felicia_, who is leaning over +the embroidery frame behind the Queen, and out of her sight. + +This felicitous situation is interrupted by the spiteful Duchess; the +lover escapes behind the window curtains to avoid scandal--is discovered, +and his sovereign's reputation is only saved by the declaration of +Felicia, that the Captain is there on _her_ account. Ollivarez asserts +that they are married, to clench the fib--the Queen sees her folly--the +Duchess is disgraced--all the characters stand in the well-defined +semicircle which is the stage method of writing the word "finis"--Mrs. +Yates speaks a very neat and pointed "tag"--and that's all. + +For this two-act Comidetta, dear Yates, we pronounce absolution and +remission of thy sins, so wickedly committed in the washy melo-drama, and +cackling vaudeville, thou hast recently affronted common-sense withal! +Thine own acting as the courtier was natural, except when thou didst +interpolate the dialogue with the baby--a crying sin, believe us. Else, +thy bows were graceful; and thy shoulder-shrugs--are they not chronicled +in the mind's eye of thy most distant admirers? The little touches of +humour that shone forth in the dialogue assigned to thee, were not +exaggerated by the too-oft-indulged-in grimaces--in short, despite thy too +monstrous _chapeau-bras_--which was big enough for a life-boat--thou +lookedst like a Duke, a gentleman, and what in truth thou really art--an +indefatigable _intriguant_. Thy favoured help-mate, too, gave a reality to +the scene by her captivating union of queenly dignity and feminine +tenderness. But most especially fortunate art thou in thy Felicia. Alas +for our hunch and our hatchet nose! but O, alas! and alas! that we have a +Judy! for never did we regret all three so deeply as while Miss Ellen +Chaplin was on the stage. In our favourite scene with the Queen and her +lover, how graceful and expressive were her dumb answers to what ought to +have been Henrico's eloquent declarations, spoken _through_ the Queen. We +charge thee, dear friend, to "call" her on Monday morning at eleven, and +to rehearse unto her what we are going to say. Tell her that as she is +young, a bright career is before her if she will not fall into the sin of +copying some other favourite actress--say, for instance, Mrs. +Yates--instead of our arch-mistress, Nature; say, moreover, that at the +same time, she must be unwearying in acquiring _art_; lastly, inform her, +that Punch has his eye upon her, and will scold her if she become a +backslider and an imitator of other people's faults. + +As to poor Mr. _Spencer_ Forde, he, too, is young; and you do wrong, O +Yates! in giving him a part he will be unequal to till he grows big enough +for a coat. A smaller part would, we doubt not, suit him excellently. + +Lastly, give our best compliments to Mrs. Fosbroke, to the illustrious Mr. +Freeborn, to Mr. John Saunders, and our especial commendations to thy +scene-painter, thy upholsterer, and the gentleman lamp-lighter thou art so +justly proud of; for each did his and her best to add a charm to "The Maid +of Honour." + + * * * * * + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +1, October 30, 1841, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14934-8.txt or 14934-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/9/3/14934/ + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, October 30, 1841 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14934] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + +</pre> + +<h1>PUNCH,<br /> +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> +<h2>VOL. 1.</h2> +<hr class="full" /> +<h2>OCTOBER 30, 1841.</h2> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page181" name="page181"></a>[pg +181]</span> +<h2>THE GREAT CREATURE.</h2> +<p>That “great creature,” like some other “great +creatures,” happened, as almanacs say, “about this +time” to be somewhat “out at elbows;”—not +in the way of costume, for the very plenitude of his wardrobe was +the cause which produced this effect, inasmuch as the word +“received” in the veritable autograph of Messrs. +Moleskin and Corderoy could nowhere be discovered annexed to the +bills thereof: a slight upon their powers of penmanship which +roused their individual, collective, and coparcenary ires to such a +pitch, that they, Messrs. Moleskin and Corderoy, through the medium +of their Attorneys-at-law, Messrs. Gallowsworthy and Pickles, of +Furnival’s Inn, forwarded a writ to the unfortunate Hannibal +Fitzflummery Fitzflam,—the which writ in process of time, +being the legal seed, became ripened into a very vigorous +execution, and was consigned to the care of a gentleman holding a +<em>Civil</em> employment with a <em>Military</em> title, viz. that +of “<em>Officer</em>” to the Sheriff of Middlesex, with +strict injunctions to the said—anything but <em>Civil</em> or +<em>Military</em>—nondescript “officer,” to +secure and keep the person of Hannibal Fitzflummery Fitzflam till +such time as the debt due to Messrs. Moleskin and Corderoy, and the +legal charges of Messrs. Gallowsworthy and Pickles, should be +discharged, defrayed, and liquidated.</p> +<p>Frequent were the meetings of Messrs. Gallowsworthy and Pickles +and their man-trap, and as frequent their +disappointments:—Fitzflam always gave them the double! Having +procured leave of absence from the Town Managers, and finding the +place rather too hot to hold him, he departed for the country, and, +as fate would have it, arrived at the inn then occupied by Mr. +Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk.</p> +<p>In this out-of-the-way place he fondly imagined he had never +been heard of. Judge then of his surprise, after his dinner and +pint of wine, at the following information.</p> +<p><em>Fitz.</em> “Waiter.”</p> +<p>“Yes, sar.”</p> +<p>“Who have you in the house?”</p> +<p>“Fust of company, sar;—alwaist, sar.”</p> +<p>“Oh! of course;—any one in particular?”</p> +<p>“Yes, sar, very particular: one gentleman very particular, +indeed. Has his bed warmed with brown sugar in the pan, and drinks +asses’ milk, sar, for breakfast!”</p> +<p>“Strange fellow! but I mean any one of name?”</p> +<p>“Yes, sar, a German, sar; with a name so long, sar, it +take all the indoor servants and a stable-helper to call him up of +a morning.”</p> +<p>“You don’t understand me. Have you any public people +here?”</p> +<p>“Yes, sar—great man from town, sar—belongs to +the Theatre—Mr. Fitzflam, sar—quite the gentleman, +sar.”</p> +<p>“Thank you for the compliment” (<em>bowing +low</em>).</p> +<p>“No compliment at all, sar; would you like to see him, +sar?—sell you a ticket, sar; or buy one of you, +sar.”</p> +<p>“What?”</p> +<p>“House expected to be full, sar—sure to sell it +again, sar.”</p> +<p>“What the devil are you talking about?”</p> +<p>“The play, sar—Fitzflam, sar!—there’s +the bill, sar, and (<em>bell rings</em>) there’s the bell, +sar. Coming.” (<em>Exit Waiter</em>.)</p> +<p>The first thing that suggested itself to the mind of Mr. +Hannibal Fitzflummery Fitzflam was the absolute necessity of +insisting upon that insane waiter’s submitting to the total +loss of his well-greased locks, and enveloping his outward man in +an extra-strong strait-waistcoat; the next was to look at the bill, +and there he saw—“horror of horrors!”—the +name, “the bright ancestral name”—the name he +bore, bursting forth in all the reckless impudence of the largest +type and the reddest vermilion!</p> +<p>Anger, rage, and indignation, like so many candidates for the +exalted mutton on a greased pole, rushed tumultuously over each +other’s heads, each anxious to gain the +“ascendant” in the bosom of Mr. Hannibal Fitzflummery +Fitzflam. To reduce a six-and-ninepenny gossamer to the fac-simile +of a bereaved muffin in mourning by one vigorous blow wherewith he +secured it on his head, grasp his ample cane and three half-sucked +oranges (in case it should come to pelting), and rush to the +theatre, was the work of just twelve minutes and a half. In another +brief moment, payment having been tendered and accepted, Fitzflam +was in the boxes, ready to expose the swindle and the swindler!</p> +<p>The first act was over, and the audience were discussing the +merits of the supposed Roscius.</p> +<p>“He <em>is</em> a sweet young man,” said a simpering +damsel to a red-headed Lothario, with just brains enough to be +jealous, and spirit enough to damn the player.</p> +<p>“I don’t see it,” responded he of the Rufusian +locks.</p> +<p>“Such <em>dear</em> legs!”</p> +<p>“<em>Dear</em> legs—<em>duck</em> legs you mean, +miss!”</p> +<p>“And <em>such</em> a voice!”</p> +<p>“Voice! I’ll holler with him for all he’s +worth.”</p> +<p>“Ha’ done, do!”</p> +<p>“I shan’t: +Fitzflam’s—an—umbug!”</p> +<p>“Sir!” exclaimed Hannibal Fitzflummery Fitz of +“that ilk.”</p> +<p>“And Sir to you!” retorted “the child of earth +with the golden hair.”</p> +<p>“I suppose I’m a right to speak my mind of that or +any other chap I pays to laugh at!”</p> +<p>“It’s a tragedy, James.”</p> +<p>“All the funnier when sich as him comes to play in +them.”</p> +<p>“Hush! the curtain’s up.”—So it was; and +“Bravo! bravo!” shouted the ladies, and +“Hurrah!” shouted the gentlemen. Never had Mr. Hannibal +Fitzflummery Fitzflam seen such wretched acting, or heard such +enthusiastic applause. Round followed round, until, worked up to +frenzy at the libel upon his name, and, as he thought, his art, he +vociferously exclaimed, “Ladies and gentlemen, that +man’s a d—d impostor! (“Turn him out! throw him +over! break his neck!” shouted the gods. “Shame +shame!” called the boxes. “You’re drunk,” +exclaimed the pit to a man.) I repeat that man +is—(“<em>Take that</em>!”—an apple in +Fitzflam’s eye.) I say he is another (“There it +is!”—in his other eye) person +altogether—a—(“Boxkeeper!”) Nothing of the +sort; a—(“Constable!”) I’ll +take—(“Take that fellow out!”) Allow me to +be—(“Off! off!”) I am—(“‘Out! +out!”) Let me request.—(“Order! +order!—hiss! hiss!—oh! oh!—ah! ah!—phit! +phit!—Booh!—booh!—wooh!—oh!—ah!”)”</p> +<p>Here Mr. Fitzfunk came forward, and commenced bowing like a +mandarin, while the gentleman who had blacked Fitzflam’s eye +desisted from forcing him out of the box, to hear the “great +creature” speak. Fitzfunk commenced, “Ahem—Ladies +and gentlemen, surrounded as I am by all sorts of—(Bravos +from all parts of the house.) Friends! Friends in the +boxes!—(“Bravo!” from boxes, with violent waving +of handkerchiefs.) Friends in the pit!—(“Hurrah!” +and sundry excited hats performing extraordinary aerial gyrations.) +And last, not least in my dear love, friends in the +gallery!—(Raptures of applause; five minutes’ +whistling; three chandeliers and two heads broken; and the owners +of seventeen corns <em>stamped</em> up to frenzy!) Need I fear the +malice of an individual? (“Never! never!” from all +parts of the house.) Could I deceive you, an enlightened public? +(“No! no! impossible! all fudge!”) Would I attempt such +a thing? (“No! no! by no manner of means!”) I am, +ladies and gentlemen—(“Fitzflam! Fitzflam!”) I +bow to your judgment. I have witnesses; shall I produce +them?” “No,” said two of his most enthusiastic +supporters, scrambling out of the pit, and getting on the stage; +“Don’t trouble yourself; we know you; (<em>Omnes</em>. +“Hurrah!” To Fitzflam in boxes—“Shame! +shame!”) <em>we</em> will swear to you; (<em>Omnes</em>, +” Fitzflam for ever!”) and—we don’t care +who knows it—(<em>Omnes</em>. “Noble fellows!”) +we arrest you at the suit of Messrs. Moleskin and Corderoy, +Regent’s-quadrant, tailors. Attorneys, Messrs. Gallowsworthy +and Pickles, of Furnival’s Inn. Plaintiff claims +54<em>l.</em> debt and 65<em>l.</em> costs; so come along, will +you!”</p> +<p>It was an exceedingly fortunate thing for the representatives of +the Sheriff of Middlesex that their exit was marked by more +expedition than elegance; for as soon as their real purpose was +known, Fitzflam (as the audience supposed Fitzfunk to be) would +have been rescued <em>vi et armis</em>. As it was, they hurried him +to a back room at the inn, and carefully double-locked the door. It +was also rather singular that from the moment of the +officer’s appearance, the gentleman in the boxes whose doubts +had caused the disturbance immediately owned himself in the wrong, +apologised for his mistake, and withdrew. As the tragedy could not +proceed without Fitzfunk, the manager proposed a +hornpipe-in-fetters and general dance by the characters; instead of +the last act which was accepted, and loudly applauded and encored +by the audience.</p> +<p>Seated in his melancholy apartment, well guarded by the bailiff, +certain of being discovered and perhaps punished as an impostor, or +compelled to part with all his earnings to pay for coats and +continuations he had never worn, the luckless Horatio Fitzharding +Fitzfunk gave way to deep despondency, and various +“ahs!” and “ohs!” A tap at the door was +followed by the introduction of a three-cornered note addressed to +himself. The following were its contents:—</p> +<p>“Sir,—It appears from this night’s adventure +<em>my name</em> has heretofore been useful to you, and on the +present occasion your impersonation of it has been useful to me. We +are thus far quits. <em>I</em>, as the ‘real Simon +Pure,’ will tell you what to do. Protest you <em>are not the +man</em>. Get witnesses to hear you say so; and when taken to +London (as you will be) and the men are undeceived, threaten to +bring an action against the Sheriff unless those harpies, Messrs. +Gallowsworthy and Pickles, give you 20<em>l.</em> for yourself, and +a receipt in full for the debt and costs. Keep my secret; +I’ll keep yours. Burn this.—H.F.F.”</p> +<p>No sooner read than done; and all came to pass as the note +predicted. Gallowsworthy and Pickles grumbled, but were compelled +to pay. Fitzflam and Fitzfunk became inseparable. Fitzflam was even +heard to say, he thought in time Fitzfunk would make a decent +walking gentleman; and Fitzfunk was always impressed with an +opinion that <em>he</em> was the man of talent, and that Fitzflam +would never have been able to succeed in “starring it” +where he had been “<em>The Great Creature</em>.”</p> +<p class="rgt">FUSBOS.</p> +<p>N.B.—The author of this paper has commenced adapting it +for stage representation.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>THE DESIRE OF PLEASING.</h3> +<p>“May I be married, ma?” said a lovely girl of +fifteen to her mother the other morning. “Married!” +exclaimed the astonished matron; “what put such an idea into +your head?” “Little Emily, here, has never seen a +wedding; and I’d like to amuse the child,” replied the +obliging sister, with fascinating <em>naïveté</em>.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page182" name="page182"></a>[pg +182]</span> +<h2>THE HEIR OF APPLEBITE.</h2> +<h3>CHAPTER VIII.</h3> +<div class="dropcap"><a href="images/016-01.png"><img src= +"images/016-01.png" alt= +"A street sweeper forms a letter A together with his broom." id= +"img016-01" name="img016-01" width="100%" /></a></div> +<p><span class="hide">A</span> serious accident to the double-bass +was the extraordinary occurrence alluded to in our last chapter. It +appeared that, contrary to the <em>usual</em> custom of the class +of musicians that attend evening parties, the operator upon the +double-bass had early in the evening shown slight symptoms of +inebriety, which were alarmingly increased during supper-time by a +liberal consumption of wine, ale, gin, and other compounds. The +harp, flageolet, and first violin, had prudently abstained from +drinking—at their own expense, and had reserved their +thirstiness for the benefit of the bibicals of the “founder +of the feast,” and, consequently, had only attained that +peculiar state of sapient freshness which invariably characterises +quadrille bands after supper, and had, therefore, overlooked the +rapid obfuscation of their more imprudent companion in their +earnest consideration of themselves.</p> +<p>Bacchus has long been acknowledged to be the cicerone of Cupid; +and accordingly the God of Wine introduced the God of Love into the +bosom of the double-bass, who, with a commendable feeling of +sociality, instantly invited the cook to join the party. Now Susan, +though a staid woman, and weighing, moreover, sixteen stone, was +fond of a “hinnocent bit of nonsense,” kindly consented +to take just a “sip of red port wine” with the +performer upon catgut cables; and everything was progressing +<em>allegro</em>, when Cupid wickedly stimulated the double-bass to +chuck Susan’s double chin, and then, with the frenzy of a +Bacchanal, to attempt the impossibility of encircling the ample +waist of his Dulcinea. This was carrying the joke a <em>leetle</em> +too far, and Susan, equally alarmed for her reputation and her +habit-shirt, struggled to free herself from the embrace of the +votary of Apollo; but the fiddler was not to be so easily disposed +of, and he clung to the object of his admiration with such +pertinacity that Susan was compelled to redouble her exertions, +which were ultimately successful in embedding the double-bass in +the body of his instrument. The crash was frightful, and Susan, +having vainly endeavoured to free herself from the incubus which +had fastened upon her, proceeded to scream most lustily as an +overture to a faint. These sounds reached the supper-room, and +occasioned the diversion in John’s favour; a simultaneous +rush was instantly made to the quarter from whence they proceeded, +as the whole range of accidents and offences flashed across the +imaginations of the affrighted revellers.</p> +<p>Mrs. Waddledot decided that the china tea-service was no more. +Mrs. Applebite felt certain that “the heir” had tumbled +into the tea-urn, or had cut another tooth very suddenly. The +gentlemen were assured that a foray had taken place upon the hats +and cloaks below, and that cabs would be at a premium and colds at +a discount. The ladies made various applications of the rest of the +catalogue; whilst old John wound up the matter by the consolatory +announcement that he “know’d the fire hadn’t been +put out by the <em>in</em>gines in the morning.”</p> +<p>The general alarm was, however, converted into general laughter +when the real state of affairs was ascertained; and Susan having +been recovered by burning feathers under her nose, and pouring +brandy down her throat, preparations were made for the disinterment +of the double-bass. To all attempts to effect such a laudable +purpose, the said double-bass offered the most violent opposition, +declaring he should never be so happy again, and earnestly +entreated Susan to share his heart and temporary residence.</p> +<p>Her refusal of both seemed to cause him momentary uneasiness, +for hanging his head upon his breast he murmured out—</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>“Now she has left me her loss to deplore;”</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>and then burst into a loud huzza that rendered some suggestions +about the police necessary, which Mr. Double-bass treated with a +contempt truly royal. He then seemed to be impressed with an idea +that he was the index to a “Little Warbler;” for at the +request of no one he proceeded to announce the titles of all the +popular songs from the time of Shield downwards. How long he would +have continued this vocal category is uncertain; but as exertion +seemed rather to increase than diminish his boisterous merriment, +the suggestions respecting the police were ordered to be adopted, +and accordingly two of the force were requested to remove him from +the domicile where he was creating so much discord in lieu of +harmony.</p> +<p>Double-bass still continued deaf to all entreaties for silence +and progression, and when a stretcher was mentioned grew positively +furious, and insisted that, as he had a conveyance of his own, he +should be taken to whatever destination they chose to select for +him on, or rather in, that vehicle. Accordingly a rattle was +sprung, and duly answered by two or three more of those +alphabetical gentlemen who emanate from Scotland-yard, by whose +united efforts the refractory musician was carried out in triumph, +firmly and safely seated in his own ponderous instrument, loudly +insisting that he should be conveyed</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/016-02.png"><img src= +"images/016-02.png" alt="A fellow sits on an upturned boat." id= +"img016-02" name="img016-02" width="50%" /></a> +<p>WITH CARE—THIS SIDE UP.</p> +</div> +<p>The interruption occasioned by this interesting occurrence was +productive of a general clearance of 24, Pleasant-place; and the +apartments which were so lately filled with airy sylphs and trussed +Adonises presented a strange jumble of rough coats, dingy silk +cloaks, very <em>passé</em> bonnets, and numerous heads +enveloped in faded white handkerchiefs. Everything began to look +miserable; candles were seen in all directions flickering with +their inevitable destiny; bouquets were thrown carelessly upon the +ground; and the very faintest odour of a cigar found its way from +the street-door into the drawing-room. Then came the hubbub of +struggling jarvies; the hoarse, continued inquiries of those +peculiar beings that emerge from some unknown quarter of the great +metropolis, and “live and move and have their being” at +the doorsteps of party-giving people. What tales could those +benighted creatures tell of secret pressures of hands, whispered +sentences of sweet words, which have led in after-days to many a +blissful union! What sighs must have fallen upon their ears as they +have rolled up the steps and slammed to the doors of the vehicle +which bore away the idol of the evening! But they have no +romance—no ambition but to call “My lord duke’s +coach.”</p> +<p>Then came the desolate stillness of the “banquet-hall +deserted;” the consciousness that the hour of grandeur had +passed away. There was nothing to break the stillness but Mrs. +Applebite counting up the spoons, and Mrs. Waddledot re-decanting +the remainders.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>BURKE’S HERALDRY.</h3> +<p>Our amiable friend and classical correspondent, Deaf +Burke—“mind, yes”—has lately mounted a +coat-of-<em>arms</em>, “Dexter and Sinister;” a Nose +gules and Eye sable; three annulets of Ropes in chief, supported by +two Prize-fighters proper. Motto,—</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/016-03.png"><img src= +"images/016-03.png" alt="Two men hit at each other." id="img016-03" +name="img016-03" width="50%" /></a> +<p>KNOCK AND RING.</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>A SUGGESTION</h3> +<p>For the formation of a Society for the relief of foreigners +afflicted with a short pocket and a long beard.</p> +<p>Mr. Muntz to be immediately waited upon by a body of the unhappy +sufferers, and requested to give his countenance and assistance to +the establishment of an INSTITUTION FOR THE GRATUITOUS SHAVING OF +DESTITUTE AND HIRSUTE FOREIGNERS.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page183" name="page183"></a>[pg +183]</span> +<h2>THE GOLD SNUFF-BOX.</h2> +<div class="dropcap"><a href="images/016-04.png"><img src= +"images/016-04.png" alt="A vine-covered letter M" id="img016-04" +name="img016-04" width="100%" /></a></div> +<p><span class="hide">M</span>y aunt, Mrs. Cheeseman, is the very +reverse of her husband. He is a plain, honest creature, such as we +read of in full-length descriptions by some folks, but equally +comprehensive, though shortly done by others, under the simple name +of John Bull—as ungarnished in his dress, as in his speech +and action; whereas Mrs. Cheeseman, as I have just told you, is the +counterpart of plainness; she has trinkets out of number, brooches, +backed with every kind of hair, from “the flaxen-headed +cow-boy” to the deep-toned “Jim Crow.” Then her +rings—they <em>are</em> the surprise of her staring +acquaintances; she has them from the most delicate Oriental fabric +to the massiveness of dog’s collars.</p> +<p>Uncle Cheeseman says Mrs. C. thinks of nothing else; no sporting +gentleman, handsomely furnished, in the golden days of pugilism, +ever looked upon a ring with more delightful emotions. At going to +bed, she bestows the same affectionate gaze upon them that mothers +do upon their slumbering progeny; nor is that care and affection +diminished in the morning: her very imagination is a ring, seeing +that it has neither beginning nor end—her tender ideas are +encircled by the four magical letters R—I—N—G. +Even at church, we are told, she divides her time between sleeping +and secret polishing. It has just occurred to me, that I might have +saved you and myself much trouble had I at once told you that aunt +Cheeseman is a regular <em>Ring-worm</em>.</p> +<p>But, to my uncle—the only finery sported by him (and I +hardly think it deserving that word), besides a silver watch, sound +and true as the owner, and the very prototype of his bulk and +serenity, was a gold snuff-box, a large and handsome one, which he +did not esteem for its intrinsic weight; he had a “lusty +pride” in showing that it was a prize gained in some skilful +agricultural contest. I am sorry at not recollecting what was +engraven on it; but being a thorough Cockney, and knowing nothing +more of the plough and harrow than that I have somewhere observed +it as a tavern sign, must plead for my ignorance in +out-o’-town matters.</p> +<p>You can remember, no doubt, the day the Queen went to dine with +the City Nabobs at Guildhall. Cheeseman hurried impatiently to +London for the sole purpose of <em>seeing</em> the sight, and upon +finding my liking for the spectacle as powerful as his own, +declared I was the only sensible child my mother ever had, and +adding that as he was well able to push his way through a Lunnon +crowd, if my father and mother were willing, under his protection I +should see this grand affair. Not the slightest objection was put +in opposition to my uncle’s proposal, consequently the next +day, November the 9th, 1837, uncle Cheeseman and I formed integral +portions of the huge mass of spectators which reached from St. +James’s to the City.</p> +<p>After slipping off the pavement a score of times (and in some +instances opportunely enough to be shoulder-grazed by a passing +coach-wheel), stunning numberless persons by explosions of oaths +for clumsy collisions and unintentional performances upon his +tenderest corn, we reached the corner of St. Paul’s +churchyard.</p> +<p>Having secured by a two-shilling bargain about three feet of a +form, which, I suppose, upon any other day than a general holiday +like the present was the <em>locus in quo</em> for little dears +whose young ideas were taught to shoot at threepence a week, uncle +took breath, and a pinch of snuff together: he smiled as I +observed, that he’d be sure to take a refresher when her +Majesty passed; and though he shook his head and designated me a +sly young rogue, I could clearly perceive that he was plotting to +perform, as if by chance, what I had predicated as a certainty; and +although nineteen persons out of twenty would have marked (in this +instance) his puerility, I doubt not but that the same number are +(at some periods of their existence) innocent victims to the like +weakness, whether it be generated in a snuff-box or a royal +diploma.</p> +<p>By-and-by, a murmur from the distance, which succeeded a +restless motion among the crowd (like a leafy agitation of trees +coming as a kind of <em>courier en avant</em> to announce the +regular hurricane), broke gradually, and at last uproariously upon +us; straining our necks and eyes in the attractive direction. Uncle +grasped me by the arm, and though he spoke not a word, he fairly +stared, “Here it comes.” Now the thick tide of the +moving portion of the spectators began to sweep past us, as they +hedged in the soldiery and carriages; then came the shouting, +accompanied by various kinds of squeezing, tearing, and stumbling; +some screaming compliments to her Majesty, and in the same breath +dispensing more violent compliments in an opposite direction, and +of a decidedly different tendency. Shoes were trodden off, and +bonnets crushed out of all fashion; coats were curtailed; samples +of their quality were either seen dangling at the heels of the +wearer, or were ignominiously trodden under foot; and many +superfine Saxony trousers were double-milled without mercy.</p> +<p>Whilst we were pluming ourselves upon the snugness of our +situations, and the attendant good fortune of being easy partners +in the business of the day, and thus freed from the vexations and +perplexities so largely distributed in our view, I was hindered +from communicating my happiness upon these points, for at this +moment down went my uncle Cheeseman, and as suddenly up flew his +arms above his head, like Boatswain Smith at the height of +exhortation on Tower Hill. I was surprised, and so appeared my +unfortunate relation, who superadded an additional mixture of +indignation as I caught a glimpse or two of his chameleon-like +visage; for at the first sight I could have most honestly sworn it +to have been white—at the second as crimson as the sudden +consciousness of helpless injury could make it. Nevertheless, he +sailed away from me in this extraordinary attitude for a short +distance, when suddenly, as he lowered his arms, I observed sundry +hands descend quickly, and, as I thought, kindly, lest he should +lose his hat, upon the crown of it, until it encased more of his +head than could be deemed either fashionable or comfortable. +Presently, however, he was again seen viciously elbowing and +writhing his way back to me, which after immense exertions he +performed, in the full receipt of numerous anathemas and jocular +insults. As he neared me, I inquired what he had been doing; why he +had left me for such a short, difficult, and unprofitable +journey—which queries, innocently playful as they were, +appeared to produce a choking sensation, accompanied by a +full-length stare at me; but his naturally kind heart was not kept +long closed against me, and I gleaned the melancholy fact from his +indignation, which was continually emitted in such short gusts as, +“The villains”—“The +scoundrels”—“And done so +suddenly”—“The only thing I +prized,”—“Well, this is a lesson for me.” +As we returned home, uncle displayed a wish to thrust himself +everywhere into the densest mass; there was a morbid carelessness +in his manner that he had hitherto never shown; he was evidently +another man, a fallen creature; his pride, his existence, the very +theme of all his joys, his gold snuff-box, had departed for ever, +and his heart was in that box: what would Mrs. Cheeseman say? He +had been cleaned out to the very letter—ay, that +letter—it perhaps contained matters of moment.</p> +<p>I have since that affair upon several occasions heard the poor +fellow declare that much as he was heart-broken at the loss of his +box, his feelings were lacerated to a greater degree when, in a +curtain lecture, my staid, correct, frosty-hearted, jewel-hugging +aunt said, “Cheeseman, it was a judgment for such conduct to +a wife. In that letter, which you treated with such contumely, I +strictly cautioned you not to take that valuable box about with +you, if your madness for sight-seeing should lead you into a mob. +Let this be a warning to you; and be sure that though woman be the +weaker vessel, she is oftentimes the deepest.” We believe +it.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>THE PENSIVE PEEL.</h3> +<p>It is an unfounded calumny of the enemies of Sir Robert Peel to +say that he has gone into the country to amuse +himself—shooting, feasting, eating, and drinking—while +the people are starving in the streets and highways. <em>We</em> +know that the heart of the compassionate <em>old rat</em> bleeds +for the distresses of the nation, and that he is at this moment +living upon bread and water, and studying Lord John Russell’s +hints on the Corn-laws, in</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/016-05.png"><img src= +"images/016-05.png" alt="A rat in a cage with a book and a desk." +id="img016-05" name="img016-05" width="60%" /></a> +<p>THE MONASTERY OF LA TRAPPE.</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>DOMESTIC ECONOMY.</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Said Stiggins to his wife one day,</p> +<p class="i2">“We’ve nothing left to eat;</p> +<p>If things go on in this queer way,</p> +<p class="i2">We shan’t make <em>both ends +meet.</em>”</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>The dame replied, in words discreet,</p> +<p class="i2">“We’re not so badly fed,</p> +<p>If we can make but <em>one</em> end <em>meat</em>,</p> +<p class="i2">And make the other <em>bread</em>.”</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page184" name="page184"></a>[pg +184]</span> +<h2>NIGGER PECULIARITIES.</h2> +<p>Perhaps no race of people on the face of the habitable globe are +so strongly imbued with individual peculiarities as the free and +slave negro population of the United States. Out-heroding Herod in +their monstrous attempts of imitating and exceeding the fashions of +the whites, the emulative “Darkies” may be seen on +Sundays occupying the whole extent of the Broadway pavement, +dressed in fashions carried to the very sublime of the ridiculous. +Whatever is the order of the day, the highest <em>ton</em> among +the whites is instantly adopted, with the most ludicrous +exaggeration, by the blacks: if small brims be worn by the beaus of +the former, they degenerate to nothing on the skulls of the latter; +if width be the order of the day, the coloured gentlemen rush out +in unmeasurable umbrellas of felt, straw, and gossamer. A +long-tailed white is, in comparison, but a docked black. Should +muslin trip from a carriage, tucked or flounced to the knee, the +same material, sported by a sable belle, will take its next Sunday +out fur-belowed from hip to heel. Parasols are parachutes; sandals, +black bandages; large bonnets, straw sheds, and small ones, +nonentities. So it is with colours: green becomes more green, blue +more blue, orange more orange, and crimson more flaming, when +sported by these ebon slaves of deep-rooted vanity.</p> +<p>The spirit of imitation manifests itself in all their actions: +hence it is by no means an uncommon occurrence to see a tall, +round-shouldered, woolly-headed, buck-shinned, and +inky-complexioned “Free Nigger,” sauntering out on +Sunday, shading his huge weather-proof face from the rays of the +encroaching sun under a carefully-carried silk umbrella! And again, +as in many of the places of worship the whole congregation cannot +be accommodated with seats, many of the members supply their own; +so these sable gentry may be frequently seen progressing to church +with a small stool under their arms: and in one instance, rather +than be disappointed, or obliged to stand,—a solemn-looking +specimen of the species actually provided himself with a strong +brick-bat, and having carefully covered it with his many and +bright-coloured bandana, preserved his gravity, and, still more +strange, his balance, with an irresistible degree of mirth-creating +composure.</p> +<p>Their laziness and unequivocal antipathy to work is as true as +proverbial. We know an instance of it in which the master ordered +his sable “help” to carry a small box from the steam +pier to the Astor-House Hotel, where his newly-married wife, an +English lady, was waiting for it; judge of her surprise to see the +dark gentleman arrive followed by an Irish lad bearing the freight +intended for himself.</p> +<p>“Dar,” said the domineering conductor; “dar, +dat will do; put da box down dar. Now, Missis, look here, jist give +dat chap a shillin.”</p> +<p>“A shilling! What for?”</p> +<p>“Cos he bring up dar plunder from de bay.”</p> +<p>“Why didn’t you bring it yourself?”</p> +<p>“Look here. Somehow I rader guess I should ha let dar box +fall and smashiated de contents, so I jist give dat white trash de +job jest to let de poor crittur arn a shillin.”</p> +<p>Remonstrance was vain, so the money was paid; the lady +declaring, for the future, should he think proper to employ a +deputy, it must be at his own expense. The above term “white +trash” is the one commonly employed to express their supreme +contempt for the “low Irish wulgar set.”</p> +<p>Their dissensions among themselves are irresistibly comic. +Threatening each other in the most outrageous manner; pouring out +invectives, anathemas, and denunciations of the most deadly nature; +but nine times in ten letting the strife end without a blow; +affording in their quarrels an apt illustration of</p> +<p>“A tale full of sound and fury, Told by an idiot, +signifying nothing.”</p> +<p>Suppose an affront, fancied or real, put by one on another, the +common commencement of ireful expostulations generally runs as +follows:—</p> +<p>“Look here! you d—m black nigger; what you do dat +for, Sar?”</p> +<p>“Hoo you call black, Sar? D—m, as white as you, Sar; +any day, Sar. You nigger, Sar!”</p> +<p>“Look here agin; don’t you call me a nigger, Sar. +Now, don’t you do it.”</p> +<p>“Why not?”</p> +<p>“Neber mind; I’ve told you on it, so don’t you +go to do it no more, you mighty low black, cos if you do put my +dander up, and make me wrasey, I rader guess I’ll smash in +your nigger’s head, like a bust-up egg-shell. Ise a +ring-tailed roarer, I tell you!”</p> +<p>“Reckon I’m a Pottomus. Don’t you go to put my +steam up; d—d if don’t bust and scald you out. +I’m nothing but a snorter—a pretty considerable +tarnation long team, and a couple of horses to spare; so jest be +quiet, I tell you, or I’ll use you up uncommon +sharp.”</p> +<p>“You use me up! Yoo, yoo! D—m! You and your wife and +some nigger children, all ob you, was sold for a hundred and fifty +dollars less than this nigger.”</p> +<p>“Look here, don’t you say dat agin; don’t you +do it; I tell you, don’t you do it, or I’ll jist give +you such an almighty everlasting shaking, dat you shall pray for a +cold ague as a holiday. I’m worth considerable more dollars +dan sich a low black man as you is worth cents. Why, didn’t +dey offer to give you away, only you such dam trash no one would +take you, so at last you was knocked down to a blind +man.”</p> +<p>“What dat? Here! Stand clear dar behind, and get out ob de +way in front, I’m jist going to take a run and butt dat +nigger out of de State. Let me go, do you hear? Golly, if you +hadn’t held me he’d a been werry small pieces by dis +time. D—m, I’ll break him up.”</p> +<p>“Yoo, yoo! Your low buck-shins neber carry your black head +fast enough to catch dis elegant nigger. You jist run; you’ll +find I’m nothing but an alligator. You hab no more chance dan +a black slug under de wheels of a plunder-train carriage. You is +unnoticeable by dis gentleman.”</p> +<p>“Dar dat good, gentleman! Golly, dat good! Look here, +don’t you neber speak to me no more.”</p> +<p>“And look here, nigger, don’t you neber speak to +me.”</p> +<p>“See you d—m fust, black man.”</p> +<p>“See you scorched fust, nigger.”</p> +<p>“Good day, trash.”</p> +<p>“Good mornin, dirt!”</p> +<p>So generally ends the quarrel; but about half-an-hour afterwards +the Trash and Dirt will generally be found lauding each other to +the skies, and cementing a new six hours’ friendship over +some brandy punch or a mint julep.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>SONGS OF THE SEEDY.—No. VI.</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>You bid me rove, Mary,</p> +<p>In the shady grove, Mary,</p> +<p class="i2">With you to the close of even;</p> +<p>But I can’t, my dear,</p> +<p>For I must, I swear,</p> +<p class="i2">Be off at a quarter to seven.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Nay, do not start, Mary;</p> +<p>Nor let your heart, Mary,</p> +<p class="i2">Be disturb’d in its innocent purity;</p> +<p>I’m sure that <em>you</em></p> +<p>Wouldn’t have me do</p> +<p class="i2">My friend—my bail—my security!</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>That tearful eye, Mary,</p> +<p>Seems to ask me why, Mary,</p> +<p class="i2">I can wait till sunset on’y.</p> +<p>Ah! turn not away;</p> +<p>I am out for the day</p> +<p class="i2">On a <em>Fleet</em> and fleeting <em>pony</em>.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Your wide open mouth, Mary,</p> +<p>With its breath like the south, Mary,</p> +<p class="i2">Seems to ask for an explanation.</p> +<p>Well, though not of the schools,</p> +<p>I live within <em>rules</em>,</p> +<p class="i2">And am subject to observation.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>But come to my arms, Mary;</p> +<p>Let no dread alarms, Mary,</p> +<p class="i2">In our present happiness warp us!</p> +<p>I’ve not the least doubt</p> +<p>Of soon getting out,</p> +<p class="i2">By a writ of <em>habeas corpus</em>.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Away with despair, Mary;</p> +<p>Let us cast in the air, Mary,</p> +<p class="i2">His dark and gloomy fetters.</p> +<p>Why <em>should</em> we be rack’d,</p> +<p>When we think of the Act</p> +<p class="i2">For relieving Insolvent Debtors.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>A MAYOR’S NEST.</h3> +<p>Our friend the Sir Peter Laureate wishes to know whether the +work upon “Horal Surgery” is not a new-invented +description of almanack, as it is announced as</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/016-06.png"><img src= +"images/016-06.png" alt="Two men boxing." id="img016-06" name= +"img016-06" width="40%" /></a> +<p>CURTIS ON THE EAR<sup>1</sup><span class="sidenote">1. +<em>Qy</em>. Year.—Printer’s Devil.</span></p> +</div> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page185" name="page185"></a>[pg +185]</span> +<h2>THE PHYSIOLOGY OF THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT.</h2> +<h3>5.—OF HIS MATURITY, AND LATIN EXAMINATION.</h3> +<p>The second season arrives, and our pupil becomes “a +medical student” in the fullest sense of the word. He has an +indistinct recollection that there are such things as wards in the +hospital as well as in a key or the city, and a vague wandering, +like the morning’s impression of the dreams of the preceding +night, that in the remote dark ages of his career he took some +notes upon the various lectures, the which have long since been +converted into pipe-lights or small darts, which, twisted up and +propelled from between the forefingers of each hand, fly with +unerring aim across the theatre at the lecturer’s head, the +slumbering student, or any other object worth aiming at—an +amusing way of beguiling the hour’s lecture, and only +excelled by the sport produced, if he has the good luck to sit in a +sunbeam, from making a tournament of +“Jack-o’-lanthorns” on the ceiling. His locker in +the lobby of the dissecting-room has long since been devoid of +apron, sleeves, scalpels, or forceps; but still it is not empty. +Its contents are composed of three bellpull-handles, a valuable +series of shutter-fastenings, two or three broken pipes, a pewter +“go” (which, if everybody had their own, would in all +probability belong to Mr. Evans, of Covent Garden Piazza), some +scraps of biscuit, and a round knocker, which forcibly recalls a +pleasant evening he once spent, with the accompanying anecdotes of +how he “bilked the pike” at Waterloo Bridge, and poor +Jones got “jug’d” by mistake.</p> +<p>It must not, however, be supposed that the student now neglects +visiting the dissecting-room. On the contrary, he is unremitting in +his attendance, and sometimes the first there of a morning, more +especially when he has, to use his own expression, been +“going it rather fast than otherwise” the evening +before, and comes to the school very early in the morning to have a +good wash and refresh himself previously to snatching a little of +the slumber he has forgotten to take during the night, which he +enjoys very quietly in the injecting-room down stairs, amidst a +heterogeneous assemblage of pipkins, subjects, deal coffins, +sawdust, inflated stomachs, syringes, macerating tubs, and dried +preparations. The dissecting-room is also his favourite resort for +refreshment, and he broils sprats and red herrings on the +fire-shovel with consummate skill, amusing himself during the +process of his culinary arrangements by sawing the corners off the +stone mantel-piece, throwing cinders at the new man, or seeing how +long it takes to bore a hole through one of the stools with a +red-hot poker. Indeed, these luckless pieces of furniture are +always marked out by the student as the fittest objects on which to +wreak his destructive propensities; and he generally discovers that +the readiest way to do them up is to hop steeple-chases upon them +from one end of the room to the other—a sporting amusement +which shakes them to pieces, and irremediably dislocates all their +articulations, sooner than anything else. Of course these +pleasantries are only carried on in the absence of the +demonstrator. Should he be present, the industry of the student is +confined to poking the fire in the stove and then shutting the +flue, or keeping down the ball of the cistern by some abdominal +hooks, and then, before the invasion of smoke and water takes +place, quietly joining a knot of new men who are strenuously +endeavouring to dissect the brain and discover the <em>hippocampus +major</em>, which they expect to find in the perfect similitude of +a sea-horse, like the web-footed quadrupeds who paw the +“reality” in the “area usually devoted to +illusion,” or tank, at the Adelphi Theatre.</p> +<p>If one of the professors of his medical school chances to be +addicted to making anti-Martin experiments on animals, or the study +of comparative anatomy, the pursuits offer an endless fund of +amusement to the jocose student. He administers poison to the +toxicological guinea-pigs; hunts the rabbit kept for galvanism +about the school; lets loose in the theatre, by accident, the +sparrows preserved to show the rapidly fatal action of +<em>choke-damp</em> upon life; turns the bladders, which have been +provided to tie over bottles, into footballs; and makes daily +contributions to the plate of pebbles taken from the stomach of the +ostrich, and preserved in the museum to show the mode in which +these birds assist digestion, until he quadruples the quantity, and +has the quiet satisfaction of seeing exhibited at lecture, as the +identical objects, the heap of small stones which he has collected +from time to time in the garden of the school, or from any +excavation for pipes or paving which he may have passed in his +route from his lodgings.</p> +<p>The second or middle course of the three winter sessions which +the medical student is compelled to go through, is the one in which +he most enjoys himself, and indulges in those little outbreaks of +eccentric mirth which eminently qualify him for his future +professional career. During the first course he studies from +novelty—during the last from compulsion; but the middle one +passes in unlimited sprees and perpetual half-and-half. The only +grand project he now undertakes is “going up for his +Latin,” provided he had not courage to do so upon first +coming to London. For some weeks before this period he is never +seen without an interlined edition of Celsus and Gregory; not that +he debars himself from joviality during the time of his +preparation, but he judiciously combines study with +amusement—never stirring without his translation in his +pocket, and even, if he goes to the theatre, beguiling the time +between the pieces by learning the literal order of a new +paragraph. Every school possesses circulating copies of these +works: they have been originally purchased in some wild moment of +industrious extravagance by a new man; and when he passed, he sold +them for five shillings to another, who, in turn, disposed of them +to a third, until they had run nearly all through the school. The +student grinds away at these until he knows them almost by heart, +albeit his translation is not the most elegant. He +reads—“<em>Sanus homo</em>, a sound man; <em>qui</em>, +who; <em>et</em>, also; <em>bene valet</em>, well is in health; +<em>et</em>, and; <em>suæ spontis</em>, of his own choice; +<em>est</em>, is,” &c. This, however, is quite +sufficient; and, accordingly, one afternoon, in a rash moment, he +makes up his mind to “go up.” Arrived at +Apothecaries’ Hall—a building which he regards with a +feeling of awe far beyond the Bow-street Police Office—he +takes his place amongst the anxious throng, and is at last called +into a room, where two examiners politely request that he will +favour them by sitting down at a table adorned with severe-looking +inkstands, long pens, formal sheets of foolscap, and awfully-sized +copies of the light entertaining works mentioned above. One of the +aforesaid examiners then takes a pinch of snuff, coughs, blows his +nose, points out a paragraph for the student to translate, and +leaves him to do it. He has, with a prudent forethought, stuffed +his cribs inside his double-breasted waistcoat, but, unfortunately, +he finds he cannot use them; so when he sticks at a queer word he +writes it on his blotting-paper and shoves it quietly on to the +next man. If his neighbour is a brick, he returns an answer; but if +he is not, our friend is compelled to take shots of the meaning and +trust to chance—a good plan when you are not certain what to +do, either at billiards or Apothecaries’ Hall. Should he be +fortunate enough to get through, his schedule is endorsed with some +hieroglyphics explanatory of the auspicious event; and, in +gratitude, he asks a few friends to his lodgings that night, who +have legions of sausages for supper, and drink gin-and-water until +three o’clock in the morning. It is not, however, absolutely +necessary that a man should go up himself to pass his Latin. We +knew a student once who, by a little judicious change of +appearance—first letting his hair grow very long, and then +cutting it quite short—at one time patronizing whiskers, and +at another shaving himself perfectly clean—now wearing +spectacles, and now speaking through his nose—being, withal, +an excellent scholar, passed a Latin examination for half the men +in the hospital he belonged to, receiving from them, when he had +succeeded, the fee which, in most cases, they would have paid a +private teacher for preparing them.</p> +<p>The medical student does not like dining alone; he is +gregarious, and attaches himself to some dining-rooms in the +vicinity of his school, where, in addition to the usual journals, +they take in the Lancet and Medical Gazette for his express +reading. He is here the customer most looked up to by the +proprietor, and is also on excellent terms with +“Harriet,” who confidentially tells him that the boiled +beef is just up; indeed, he has been seen now and then to put his +arm round her waist and ask her when she meant to marry him, which +question Harriet is not very well prepared to answer, as all the +second season men have proposed to her successively, and each +stands equally well in her estimation, which is kept up at the rate +of a penny <em>per diem</em>. But Harriet is not the only waiting +domestic with whom he is upon friendly terms. The Toms, Charleses, +and Henrys of the supper-taverns enjoy equal familiarity; and when +Nancy, at Knight’s, brings him oysters for two and asks him +for the money to get the stout, he throws down the shilling with an +expression of endearment that plainly intimates he does not mean to +take back the fourpence change out of the pot. Should he, however, +in the course of his wanderings, go into a strange eating-house, +where he is not known, and consequently is not paid becoming +attention, his revenge is called into play, and he gratifies it by +the simple act of pouring the vinegar into the pepper-castor, and +emptying the contents of the salt-cellar into the water-bottle +before he gets up to walk away.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>EXPRESS FROM AMERICA.</h3> +<p>We are authorised to state there is a man in New Orleans so +exceedingly bright, that he uses the palm of his hand for a +looking-glass.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page186" name="page186"></a>[pg +186]</span> +<h2>POLITICS OF THE OUTWARD MAN!</h2> +<p>Wisdom is to be purchased only of the tailor. Morality is +synonymous with millinery; whilst Truth herself—pictured by +the poetry of the olden day in angelic nakedness—must now be +full-dressed, like a young lady at a royal drawing-room, to be +considered presentable. You may believe that a man with a gash in +his heart may still walk, talk, pay taxes, and perform all the +other duties of a highly civilised citizen; but to believe that the +same man with a hole in his coat can discourse like a reasoning +animal, is to be profoundly ignorant of those sympathetic +subtleties existing between a man’s brain and a man’s +broad-cloth. Party politics have developed this profound +truth—the divine reason of the immortal creature escapes +through ragged raiment; a fractured skull is not so fatal to the +powers of ratiocination as a rent in the nether garments. +GOD’S image loses the divine lustre of its origin with its +nap of super-Saxony. The sinful lapse of ADAM has thrown all his +unfortunate children upon the mercies of the tailor; and that +mortal shows least of the original stain who wraps about it the +richest purple and the finest linen. Hence, if you would know the +value of a man’s heart, look at his waistcoat.</p> +<p>Philosophers and anatomists have quarrelled for centuries as to +the residence of the soul. Some have vowed that it lived +here—some there; some that, like a gentleman with several +writs in pursuit of him, it continually changed its lodgings; +whilst others have lustily sworn that the soul was a vagrant, with +no claim to any place of settlement whatever. Nevertheless, a +vulgar notion has obtained that the soul dwelt on a little knob of +the brain; and that there, like a vainglorious bantam-cock on a +dunghill, it now claps its wings and crows all sorts of +triumph—and now, silent and scratching, it thinks of nought +but wheat and barley. The first step to knowledge is to confess to +a late ignorance. We avow, then, our late benighted condition. We +were of the number of sciolists who lodged the soul in the head of +man: we are now convinced that the true dwelling place of the soul +is in the head’s antipodes. Let SOLOMON himself return to the +earth, and hold forth at a political meeting; SOLOMON himself would +be hooted, laughed at, voted an ass, a nincompoop, if SOLOMON spoke +from the platform with a hole in his breeches!</p> +<p>PLATO doubtless thought that he had imagined a magnificent +theory, when he averred that every man had within him a spark of +the divine flame. But, silly PLATO! he never considered how easily +this spark might be blown out. At this moment, how many Englishmen +are walking about the land utterly extinguished! Had men been made +on the principle of the safety-lamp, they might have defied the +foul breath of the world’s opinion—but, alas! what a +tender, thin-skinned, shivering thing is man! His +covering—the livery of original sin, bought with the pilfered +apples—is worn into a hole, and Opinion, that sour-breathed +hag, claps her blue lips to the broken web, gives a puff, +and—out goes man’s immortal spark! From this moment the +creature is but a carcase: he can eat and drink (when lucky enough +to be able to try the experiment), talk, walk, and no more; yes, we +forgot—he can work; he still keeps precedence of the ape in +the scale of creation—for he can work for those who, thickly +clothed, and buttoned to the throat, have no rent in their purple, +no stitch dropped in their superfine, to expose their precious +souls to an annihilating gust, and who therefore keep their +immortal sparks like tapers in burglars’ dark-lanthorns, +whereby to rob and spoil with greater certainty!</p> +<p>Gentle reader, think you this a fantastic chapter on holes? If +so, then of a surety you do not read those instructive annals of +your country penned by many a TACITUS of the daily press—by +many a profound historian who unites to the lighter graces of +stenography the enduring loveliness of philosophy.</p> +<p>Some days since a meeting was held in the parish of Saint +Pancras of the “Young Men’s Anti-Monopoly +Association.” The place of gathering, says the reporter, was +“a ruined <em>penny</em> theatre!” It is evident in the +brain of the writer that the small price at which the theatre was +ruined made its infamy: to be blighted for a penny was the shame. +Drury Lane and Covent Garden have been ruined over and over +again—but then their ruin, like PHRYNE’S, has ever been +at a large price of admission; hence, like court harlots, their +ruin has been dignified by high remuneration. What, however, could +be expected from a theatre that, with inconceivable wickedness, +suffered itself to be undone for a penny? Let the reporter +answer:—</p> +<blockquote> +<p>“—— FORSTER, Esq., advanced, and, assuming +<em>a teapot position</em> on the stage, moved the first +resolution, to the effect ‘That the bread-tax was the cause +of all distress, and that they should use their strenuous efforts +to remove it.’ ‘Ladies (there was one old woman <em>in +a shocking bad black and white straw bonnet present</em>) and +gentlemen (said he), this is a public meeting to all intents and +purposes.’”</p> +</blockquote> +<p>For ourselves we care not for an orator’s standing like a +teapot, if what he pours out be something better than mere +hot-water or dead small beer. If, however, we were to typify +orators in delf, there are many Tory talkers whom we would +associate with more ignominious shapes of crockery than that of a +teapot—senators who are taken by the handle, and by their +party used for the dirtiest offices.</p> +<p>We now come to the bad old woman whose excess of iniquity was +blazoned in her “bad black and white straw bonnet.” +This woman might have been an ASPASIA, a DE STAEL, a Mrs. +SOMERVILLE,—nay, the SYBILLA CUMEA herself. What of that? The +“bad” bonnet must sink the large souled Grecian to a +cinder-wench, make the Frenchwoman a trapes from the Palais Royal, +our fair astronomer a gipsy of Greenwich Park, and the +fate-foretelling sybil a crone crawled from the worst garret of +Battle-bridge. The head is nothing; the bonnet’s all. Think +you that Mrs. Somerville could have studied herself into +reputation, that the moon and stars would have condescended to +smile upon her, if she had not attended their evening parties in a +handsome turban, duly plumed and jewelled?</p> +<p>Come we now to the next recorded atrocity:—</p> +<blockquote> +<p>“There jumped now upon the stage <em>a red-haired, +laughing-hyena faced, fustian-coated biped</em>, +exclaiming—‘My name is Wall! I have a substantive +amendment to move to the resolution now proposed—(‘Go +off, off! ooh, ooh, ooh! turn him out, out, out!’) We are met +in a place where religion is taught (groans). Well, then, we are +met where they “teach the young idea how to +shoot”’—(laughter, groans, and ‘Go on, +Wall.’) Turning to the young <em>gents</em> on the platform, +‘You,’ quoth Mr. Wall, ‘have not read history: +you clerks at 16<em>s.</em> a week, with your gold chains and +pins.’”</p> +</blockquote> +<p>Red hair was first made infamous by JUDAS ISCARIOT; hence the +reporter not only shows the intensity of his Christianity, but his +delicate knowledge of human character, by the fine contempt cast +upon the felon locks of the speaker. Red hair is doubtless the +brand of Providence; the mark set upon guilty man to give note and +warning to his unsuspicious fellow-creatures. Like the scarlet +light at the North Foreland, it speaks of shoals, and sands, and +flats. The emperor Commodus, who had all his previous life rejoiced +in flaxen locks, woke, the morning after his first contest in the +arena, a red-haired man! But then, with a fine knowledge of the +wholesome prejudices of the world, he turned the curse upon his +head into a beauty; for he—powdered it with gold-dust. Could +Mr. WALL, of the penny theatre, induce the Master of the Mint to +play his <em>coiffeur</em>, how would the reporter fall on his +knees and worship the divinity!</p> +<p>Mr. WALL, being of the opposite faction, in addition to the +unpowdered ignominy of his hair, has also the face of a hyena! This +fact opens a question too vast for our one solitary page. We lack +at least the amplitude of a quarto to prove that all men are +fashioned, even in the womb, with features that shall hereafter +beautifully harmonise with the politics of the grown creature. Now +WALL, being ordained a poor man and a Chartist, is endowed with a +“laughing hyena” countenance. He even loses the vantage +ground of our common humanity, and is sunk by his poverty and his +politics to the condition of a beast, and of a most unamiable beast +into the bargain. However, the vast enfolding iniquity is yet to be +displayed and duly shuddered at; for <em>WALL</em>, the biped +hyena, wears—a fustian coat!</p> +<p>As journalists, we trust we have our common share—which is +no little—of human vanity. Nevertheless, with the highest +private opinion of our own powers, we feel we can add nothing to +the picture drawn by the reporter. The fustian coat, with a tongue +in every button-hole, discourses on its own inwoven infamy.</p> +<p>We recognise with great pleasure a growing custom on the part of +political reporters to merge the orators and listeners at public +meetings in their several articles of dress. This practice has +doubtless originated in a most philosophical consideration of the +sympathies between the outer and the inner man, and has its source +in the earliest records of human life. The patriarchs rent their +garments in token of the misery that lacerated their souls: then +rags and tatters were ennobled by sorrow—there was a deep +sentiment in sackcloth and ashes. We have, however, improved upon +the ignorance of primitive days; and though we still admit the +covering of man to be typical of his condition of mind, we wisely +keep our respect for super-Saxony, and expend contempt and ridicule +on corduroy and fustian. We yet hope to see the day when certain +political meetings will be briefly reported as follow:—</p> +<blockquote> +<p>“Faded Blue Coat, with tarnished Brass Buttons, took the +chair.</p> +<p>“Velveteen Jacket moved the first resolution, which was +seconded by Check Shirt and Ankle-jacks.</p> +<p>“Brown Great Coat, with holes in elbows, moved the second +resolution—seconded by Greasy Drab Breeches and Dirty Leather +Gaiters.</p> +<p>“After thanks to Blue Coat had been moved by Brown Surtout +and Crack under both Arms, the Fustian Jackets departed.”</p> +</blockquote> +<p>Would not this be quite sufficient? Knowing the philosophy of +appearance in England, might we not by our imagination supply a +truer speech to every orator than could be taken down by the most +faithful reporter?</p> +<p class="rgt">Q.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page187" name="page187"></a>[pg +187]</span> +<h2>PUNCH’S PENCILLINGS.—No. XVI.</h2> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/016-07.png"><img src= +"images/016-07.png" alt="A group of men in masons garb." id= +"img016-07" name="img016-07" width="100%" /></a> +<p style="font-size:200%;">THE NEW PARLIAMENTARY MASONS.</p> +<p>“WE HAVE A PLAN, WHICH, FROM ITS ORIGINALITY, SHOULD DRAW +DOWN UPON US THE GRATITUDE OF THE NATION…. WE PROPOSE THAT, +DURING THE PROROGATION, AT LEAST, MEMBERS OF PARLIAMENT, SHOULD, +LIKE BEAVERS, BUILD THEIR OWN HOUSES.”</p> +<p style="text-align:right;"><em>Vide</em> PUNCH, <em>No. 14, page +162</em>.</p> +</div> +<!-- [pg 188] --> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page189" name="page189"></a>[pg +189]</span> +<h2>LIST OF THE PREMIUMS</h2> +<h5>AWARDED BY THE</h5> +<h4>HOOKHAM-CUM-SNIVEY LITERARY AND SCIENTIFIC SOCIETY,</h4> +<h5>FOR THE YEAR 1841.</h5> +<hr class="short" /> +<h3>FIRST PREMIUM.</h3> +<h4>MANAGEMENT OF LANDED PROPERTY.</h4> +<p>To Count D’Orsay, for the most approved Essay on +Cultivating a Flower Pot, and the Expediency of growing Mignionette +in preference to Sweet Pea on the Window-sills—</p> +<p class="cen"><em>The Pasteboard Medal of the Society.</em></p> +<hr class="short" /> +<h3>SECOND PREMIUM.</h3> +<h4>METHOD OF GROWING PERMANENT WHISKERS.</h4> +<p>To Colonel Sibthorp, for a Report of several successful +Experiments in laying down his own Cheeks for a permanent growth of +Whisker, with a description of the most approved Hair-fence worn on +the Chin, and the exact colour adapted to all seasons—</p> +<p class="cen"><em>The Pasteboard Medal and a Bottle of Balm of +Columbia</em>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<h3>THIRD PREMIUM.</h3> +<h4>IMPROVING THE CONDITION OF THE POOR, BY INVENTING A VALUABLE +SUBSTITUTE FOR MEAT, BREAD, VEGETABLES, AND OTHER MASTICATORY +ALIMENT.</h4> +<p>To the Poor-Law Commissioners, for their valuable Essay on Cheap +Feeding, and an Account of several Experiments made in the Unions +throughout the Kingdom; by which they have satisfactorily +demonstrated that a man may exist on stewed chips and +sawdust—also for their original receipt for making light, +cheap workhouse soup, with a gallon of water and a +gooseberry—</p> +<p class="cen"><em>The Pasteboard Medal and a Mendicity +Ticket</em>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<h3>FOURTH PREMIUM.</h3> +<h4>QUANTITY OF BRAINS REQUIRED TO MAKE A MEMBER OF +PARLIAMENT.</h4> +<p>To Peter Borthwick, for his ingenious Treatise, proving +logically that a Member requires no Brains, instancing his own +case, where the deficiency was supplied by the length of his +ears—</p> +<p class="cen"><em>The Pewter Medal, and a Copy of Enfield's +Speaker</em>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<h3>FIFTH PREMIUM.</h3> +<h4>AMOUNT OF CASH REQUIRED BY A GENTLEMAN TO KEEP A WALKING-STICK, +A PAIR OF MOUSTACHES, AND A CIGAR.</h4> +<p>To the Society of Law Clerks, for the best Account of how +Fifteen Shillings a week may be managed, to enable the Possessor to +“draw it rather brisk” after office-hours in +Regent-street, including board and lodging for his switch and +spurs, and Warren’s jet for his Wellingtons—</p> +<p class="cen"><em>The Tin Medal and a Penny Cuba</em>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<h3>SIXTH PREMIUM.</h3> +<h4>FATTENING ALDERMEN.</h4> +<p>To Sir Peter Laurie, for a Bill of Fare of the various viands +demolished at the Lord Mayors’ Dinners for the last ten +years—also, for an account of certain experiments made to +ascertain the contents of the Board of Aldermen at City Feasts, by +the application of a new regulating-belt, called the +Gastronometer—</p> +<p class="cen"><em>A German Silver Medal and a Gravy +Spoon</em>.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<h2>PUNCH’S REVIEW.</h2> +<h3>THE MEMOIRS OF MADAME LAFFARGE.</h3> +<div class="note"> +<p>The title, I think, will strike. The fashion, you know, now, is +to do away with old prejudices, and to rescue certain characters +from the illiberal odium with which custom has marked them. Thus we +have a generous Israelite, an amiable cynic, and so on. Now, Sir, I +call my play—<em>The Humane Footpad</em>.—SYLVESTER +DAGGERWOOD.</p> +</div> +<p>Some four or five seasons since, the eccentric Buckstone +produced a three-act farce, which, by dint of its after +title—<em>The School for Sympathy</em>—and of much +highly comic woe, exhibited in the acting of Farren and Nisbett, +was presented to uproariously-affected audiences during some score +nights. The hinge of the mirth was made to turn upon the +irresistible drollery of one man’s running away with another +man’s wife, and the outrageous fun of the consequent suicide +of the injured husband; the <em>bons mots</em> being most +tragically humorous, and the aphorisms of the several characters +facetiously concatenative of the nouns contained in the leading +name of the piece—“<em>Love</em> and +<em>Murder</em>.”</p> +<p>Now this was a magnificent idea—one of those brilliant +efforts which cannot but tend to lift the theatre in the estimation +of every man of delicacy and education. A new source of attraction +was at once discovered,—a vast fund of available fuel was +suddenly found to recruit the cinerulent embers of the drama +withal. It became evident that, after Joe Miller, the ordinary of +Newgate was the funniest dog in the world. Manslaughter, arson, and +the more practical jokes in the Calendar, were already familiar to +the stage; it was a refinement of the Haymarket authors to +introduce those livelier sallies of wit—crim. con. and +felo-de-se. The “immense coalitions” of all manner of +crimes and vices in the subsequent “highway +school”—the gradual development of every unnatural +tendency in the youthful Jack Sheppard (another immor-t-al work by +the author of the afore-lauded comedy)—the celebration, by a +classic chaunt, of his reaching the pinnacle of depravity; this was +the <em>ne plus ultra</em> of dramatic invention. Robbers and +murderers began to be treated, after the Catholic fashion, with +extreme unction; audiences were intoxicated with the new drop; +sympathy became epidemic; everybody was bewildered and improved; +and nobody went and threw themselves off the Monument with a copy +of the baleful drama in his pocket!</p> +<p>But the magnificence of the discovery was too large to be +grasped by even the gluttonous eye of the managers, The Adelphi +might overflow—the Surrey might quake with reiterated +“pitsfull”—still there remained over and above +the feast-crumbs sufficient for the battenings of other than +theatrical appetites. Immediately the press-gang—we beg +pardon, the <em>press</em>—arose, and with a mighty throe +spawned many monsters. Great drama! <em>Greater Press!</em> +GREATEST PUBLIC!</p> +<p>Now this was all excellent well as far as it went; but still +there was something wanted of more reality than the improvisations +of a romancist. Ainsworth might dip his pen in the grossest +epithets; Boz might dabble in the mysterious dens of Hebrew +iniquity; even Bulwer might hash up to us his recollections of St. +Giles’s dialogue; and yet it was evident that they were all +the while only “shamming”—only cooking up some +dainty dish according to a <em>recipe</em>, or, as it is still +frequently pronounced, a <em>receipt</em>,—which last, with +such writers, will ever be the guide-post of their track.</p> +<p>But something more was wanted; and here it is—here, in the +Memoirs of Marie Cappelle.</p> +<p>This lady, perhaps the most remarkable woman of her age, has +published a book—half farce, half novel—in which she +treats by turns with the clap-trap agony of a Bulwer, the quaint +sneer of a Dickens, and the effrontery of an Ainsworth, that +serious charge which employed the careful investigation of the most +experienced men in France for many weeks, and which excited a +degree of interest in domestic England almost unexampled in the +history of foreign trials. This work is published by a gentleman +who calls himself “Publisher in ordinary to her +Majesty,” and may be procured at any book-seller’s by +all such as have a guinea and a day’s leisure at the mercy of +the literary charlatan who contrived it.</p> +<p>In the strictest confidence we would suggest, that if a treaty +could be ratified with Madame Marie Cappelle Laffarge, we do not +doubt that our nursery—yea, our laundry—maids would +learn to spell the precious sentences, to their own great +edification and that of the children placed under their charge.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>OUR TRADE REPORT.</h3> +<p>Coals are a shade blacker than they were last week, but not +quite so heavy; and turnips are much lighter than they have been +known for a very considerable period.</p> +<p>Great complaints are made of the ticketing system; and persons +going to purchase shawls, as they supposed, at nine-pence +three-farthings each, are disgusted at being referred to a very +small one pound sixteen marked very lightly in pencil immediately +before the 9¾<em>d.</em>, which is very large and in very +black ink. There were several transactions of this kind during the +whole morning.</p> +<p>The depressed state of the Gossamer-market has long been a +subject of conversation among the four-and-niners who frequent the +cheap coffee-shops in the City; but no one knows the cause of what +has taken place, nor can they exactly state what the occurrence is +that they are so loudly complaining of.</p> +<p>Bones continue to fetch a penny for two pounds; but great +murmurs are heard of the difficulty of making up a pound equal to +the very liberal weights which the marine-store keepers use when +making their <em>purchases</em>; they, however, make up for it by +using much lighter weights when they sell, which is so far fair and +satisfactory.</p> +<p>The arrivals in baked potatoes have been very numerous; fifty +cans were entered outwards on Saturday.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>RELATIVE GENTILITY.</h3> +<p>Two ladies of St. Giles’s disputing lately on the +respectability of each other’s family, concluded the debate +in the following way:—“Mrs. Doyle, ma’am, +I’d have you know that I’ve an uncle a +<em>bannister</em> of the law.” “Much about your +<em>bannister</em>,” retorted Mrs. Doyle; +“haven’t I a first cousin a <em>corridor</em> in the +navy?”</p> +<hr /> +<h3>KEEPING IT DARK.</h3> +<p>Jim Bones, a free nigger of New York, has a child so exceedingly +dark that he cannot be seen on the lightest day.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page190" name="page190"></a>[pg +190]</span> +<h2>THE GENTLEMAN’S OWN BOOK.</h2> +<p>REVENONS A NOS MOUTONS—i.e. (for the benefit of country +members) to return to our mutton, or rather the +“trimmings.” The ornaments which notify the pecuniary +superiority of the wearer include chains, rings, studs, canes, +watches, and purses. <em>Chains</em> should be of gold, and cannot +be too ostentatiously displayed; for a proper disposition of these +“braveries” is sure to induce the utmost confidence in +the highly useful occupants of Pigot’s and Robson’s +Directory. We have seen some waistcoats so elaborately festooned, +that we would stake our inkstand that the most unbelieving +money-lender would have taken the personal security of the wearer +without hesitation. The perfection to which mosaic-work has arrived +may possibly hold out a strong temptation to the thoughtless to +substitute the shadow for the reality. Do not deceive yourself; an +experienced eye will instantly detect the imposition, though your +ornaments may be</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/016-08.png"><img src= +"images/016-08.png" alt= +"A bald man in a frilly shirt applies carmine to his cheeks." id= +"img016-08" name="img016-08" width="50%" /></a> +<p>FRESH EVERY DAY;</p> +</div> +<p>for, we will defy any true gentleman to preserve an equanimity +of expression under the hint—either visual or +verbal—that (to use the language of the poet) you are +“a man of brass.”</p> +<p>We have a faint recollection of a class of gentlemen who used to +attach an heterogeneal collection of massive seals and keys to one +end of a chain, and a small church-clock to the other. The chain +then formed a pendulum in front of their small-clothes, and the +dignified oscillation of the appendages was considered to +distinguish the gentleman. They were also used as auxiliaries in +argument; for whenever an hiatus occurred in the discussion, the +speaker, by having resort to his watch-chain, could frequently +confound his adversary by commencing a series of rapid gyrations. +But the fashion has descended to merchants, lawyers, doctors, +<em>et sui generis</em>, who never drive bargains, ruin debtors, +kill patients, <em>et cetera</em>, without having recourse to this +imposing decoration.</p> +<p><em>Rings</em> are the next indicators of superfluous cash. As +they are <em>merely ornamental</em>, they should resemble vipers, +tapeworms, snakes, toads, monkey’s, death’s heads, and +similar engaging and pleasing subjects. The more liberally the +fingers are enriched, the greater the assurance that the hand is +never employed in any useful labour, and is consequently only +devoted to the minisitration of indulgences, and the exhibition of +those elegant productions which distinguish the highly-civilised +gentleman from the <em>highly-tattooed</em> savage.</p> +<p>Mourning-rings have an air of extreme respectability; for they +are always suggestive of a legacy, and of the fact that you have +been connected with somebody who was not buried at the expense of +the parish.</p> +<p><em>Studs</em> should be selected with the greatest possible +care, and in our opinion the small gold ones can only be worn by a +perfect gentleman; for whilst they perform their required office, +they do not distract the attention from the quality and whiteness +of your linen. Some that we have seen were evidently intended for +cabinet pictures, rifle targets and breast-plates.</p> +<p><em>Pins.</em>—These necessary adjuncts to the cravat of a +gentleman have undergone a singular revolution during late years; +but we confess we are admirers of the present fashion, for if it is +desirable to indulge in an ornament, it is equally desirable that +everybody should be gratified by the exhibition thereof. We presume +that it is with this commendable feeling that pins’-heads +(whose smallness in former days became a proverb) should now +resemble the apex of a beadle’s staff; and, as though to make +“assurance doubly sure,” a plurality is absolutely +required for the decoration of a gentleman. In these times, when +political partisanship is so exceedingly violent, why not make the +pins indicative of the opinions of the wearer, as the waistcoat was +in the days of Fox. We could suggest some very appropriate designs; +for instance, the heads of Peel and Wakley, connected by a +<em>very</em> slight link—Sibthorp and Peter Borthwick by a +series of long-car rings—Muntz and D’Israeli cut out of +very hard wood, and united by a hair-chain; and many others too +numerous to mention.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>HAMLET’S SOLILOQUY.</h3> +<h4>PARODIED BY A XX TEETOTALLER.</h4> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>To drink, or not to drink? That is the question.</p> +<p>Whether ’tis nobler inwardly to suffer</p> +<p>The pangs and twitchings of uneasy stomach,</p> +<p>Or to take brandy-toddy ’gainst the colic,</p> +<p>And by imbibing end it? To drink,—to sleep,—</p> +<p>To snore;—and, by a snooze, to say we end</p> +<p>The head-ache, and the morning’s parching thirst</p> +<p>That drinking’s heir to;—’tis a +consummation</p> +<p>Devoutly to be wish’d. To drink,—to pay,—</p> +<p>To pay the waiter’s bill?—Ay—there’s the +rub;</p> +<p>For in that snipe-like bill, a stop may come,</p> +<p>When we would shuffle off our mortal score,</p> +<p>Must give us pause. There’s the respect</p> +<p>That makes sobriety of so long date;</p> +<p>For who could bear to hear the glasses ring</p> +<p>In concert clear—the chairman’s ready +toast—</p> +<p>The pops of out-drawn corks—the “hip +hurrah!”</p> +<p>The eloquence of claret—and the songs,</p> +<p>Which often through the noisy revel break,</p> +<p>When a man—might his quietus make</p> +<p>With a full bottle? Who would sober be,</p> +<p>Or sip weak coffee through the live-long night;</p> +<p>But that the dread of being laid upon</p> +<p>That stretcher by policemen borne, on which</p> +<p>The reveller reclines,—puzzles me much,</p> +<p>And makes me rather tipple ginger beer,</p> +<p>Than fly to brandy, or to—</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/016-09.png"><img src= +"images/016-09.png" alt="A man with his foot caught in a trap." id= +"img016-09" name="img016-09" width="50%" /></a> +<p>—HODGE’S SIN?</p> +</div> +<p>Thus poverty doth make us Temp’rance men.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>“TRY OUR BEST SYMPATHY.”</h3> +<p>It is a fact, when the deputation of the distressed +manufacturers waited upon Sir Robert Peel to represent to him their +destitute condition, that the Right Honourable Baronet declared he +felt the deepest sympathy for them. This is all very fine—but +we fear greatly, if Sir Robert should be inclined to make a +commercial speculation of his <em>sympathy</em>, that he would go +into the market with</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/016-10.png"><img src= +"images/016-10.png" alt= +"A merchant hands stockings to a little girl." id="img016-10" name= +"img016-10" width="50%" /></a> +<p>A VERY SMALL STOCK-IN(G) TRADE.</p> +</div> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page191" name="page191"></a>[pg +191]</span> +<h2>THE MAN OF HABIT.</h2> +<p>I meet with men of this character very frequently, and though I +believe that the stiff formality of the past age was more congenial +than the present to the formation and growth of these peculiar +beings, there are still a sufficient number of the species in +existence for the philosophical cosmopolite to study and comment +upon.</p> +<p>A true specimen of a <em>man of habit</em> should be an old +bachelor,—for matrimony deranges the whole clock-work system +upon which he piques himself. He could never endure to have his +breakfast delayed for one second to indulge “his soul’s +far dearer part” with a prolonged morning dream; and he +dislikes children, because the noisy urchins make a point of +tormenting him wherever he goes. The Man of Habit has a certain +hour for all the occupations of his life; he allows himself twenty +minutes for shaving and dressing; fifteen for breakfasting, in +which time he eats two slices of toast, drinks two cups of coffee, +and swallows two eggs boiled for two and a half minutes by an +infallible chronometer. After breakfast he reads the newspaper, but +lays it down in the very heart and pith of a clever article on his +own side of the question, the moment his time is up. He has even +been known to leave the theatre at the very moment of the +<em>dénouement</em> of a deeply-interesting play rather than +exceed his limited hour by five minutes. He will be out of temper +all day, if he does not find his hat on its proper nail and his +cane in its allotted corner. He chooses a particular walk, where he +may take his prescribed number of turns without interruption, for +he would prefer suffering a serious inconvenience rather than be +obliged to quicken or slacken his pace to suit the speed of a +friend who might join him. My uncle Simon was a character of this +cast. I could take it on my conscience to assert that, every night +for the forty years preceding his death, he had one foot in the bed +on the first stroke of 11 o’clock, and just as the last chime +had tolled, that he was enveloped in the blankets to his chin. I +have known him discharge a servant because his slippers were placed +by his bed-side for contrary feet; and I have won a wager by +betting that he would turn the corner of a certain street at +precisely three minutes before ten in the morning. My uncle used to +frequent a club in the City, of which he had become the oracle. +Precisely at eight o’clock he entered the room—took his +seat in a leather-backed easy chair in a particular +corner—read a certain favourite journal—drank two +glasses of rum toddy—smoked four pipes—and was always +in the act of putting his right arm into the sleeve of his +great-coat, to return home, as the clock struck ten. The cause of +my uncle’s death was as singular as his life was whimsical. +He went one night to the club, and was surprised to find his seat +occupied by a tall dark-browed man, who smoked a +<em>meerschaum</em> of prodigious size in solemn silence. Numerous +hints were thrown out to the stranger that the seat had by +prescriptive right and ancient custom become the property of my +uncle; he either did not or would not understand them, and +continued to keep his possession of the leather-backed chair with +the most imperturbable <em>sang-froid</em>. My uncle in despair +took another seat, and endeavoured to appear as if nothing had +occurred to disturb him,—but he could not dissimulate. He was +pierced to the heart,—and</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/016-11.png"><img src= +"images/016-11.png" alt="A man is eating on a bench." id= +"img016-11" name="img016-11" width="50%" /></a> +<p>“I SAW THE IRON ENTER HIS SOLE.”</p> +</div> +<p>My uncle left the club half-an-hour before his time; he returned +home—went to bed without winding his watch—and the next +morning he was found lifeless in his bed.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<h2>PUNCH’S POLITICAL ECONOMY.</h2> +<p>The subject of political economy is becoming so general a +portion of education, that it will doubtless soon be introduced at +the infant schools among the other eccentric evolutions or playful +whirls of <em>Mr. Wilder-spin</em>. At it is the fashion to +comprehend nothing, but to have a smattering of everything, we beg +leave to smatter our readers with a very thin layer of political +economy. In the first place, “political” means +“political,” and “economy” signifies +“economy,” at least when taken separately; but put them +together, and they express all kinds of extravagance. Political +economy contemplates the possibility of labouring without work, +eating without food, and living without the means of subsistence. +Social, or individual economy, teaches to live <em>within</em> our +means; political economy calls upon us to live <em>without</em> +them. In the debates, when more than usual time has been wasted in +talking the most <em>extravagant</em> stuff, ten to one that there +has been a good deal of <em>political economy</em>. If you bother a +poor devil who is dying of want, and speak to him about +<em>consumption</em>, it is probably “political +economy” that you will have addressed to him. If you talk to +a man sinking with hunger about <em>floating</em> capital, you will +no doubt have given him the benefit of a few hints in +“political economy:” while, if to a wretch in tattered +rags you broach the theory of <em>rent</em>, he must be an +ungrateful beast indeed if he does not appreciate the blessings of +“political economy.” That “labour is +wealth” forms one of the most refreshing axioms of this +delicious science; and if brought to the notice of a man breaking +stones on the road, he would perhaps wonder where his wealth might +be while thinking of his labour, but he could not question your +proficiency in “political economy.” In fact, it is the +most political and most economical science in the world, if it can +only be made to achieve its object, which is to persuade the +hard-working classes that they are the richest people in the +universe, for their labour gives value, and value gives wealth; but +who gets the value and the wealth is a consideration that does not +fall within the province of “political economy.”</p> +<p>There is another branch of the subject at which we shall merely +glance; but one hint will open up a wide field of observation to +the student. The branch to which we allude is the tremendous extent +to which political economy is carried by those who interfere so +much in politics with so very little political knowledge, and who +consequently display a most surprising share of “political +economy,”</p> +<p>As a very little goes a great way, and particularly as the most +diminutive portion of knowledge communicated by ourselves is, like +the “one small pill constituting a dose,” much more +efficacious than the 40 Number Ones and 50 Number Twos of the mere +quacks, we close for the present our observations on <em>Political +Economy</em>.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>ON THE KEY-VIVE.</h3> +<p>There can be no doubt as to the <em>primâ facie</em> +evidence of the hostile intentions of the destroyed American +steamer, with respect to the disaffected on Navy Island, as, from +the acknowledged inquisitiveness of the gentler sex, there can be +no doubt that <em>Caroline</em> would have a natural predilection +for</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/016-12.png"><img src= +"images/016-12.png" alt="A maid listens at a door." id="img016-12" +name="img016-12" width="40%" /></a> +<p>PRIVATE (H)EERING.</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>LAST NEW SAYINGS.</h3> +<p><em>Come, none of your raillery;</em> as the stage-coach +indignantly said to the steam-engine.</p> +<p><em>That “strain” again;</em> as the Poor-law +Commissioner generously said to the water-gruel sieve.</p> +<p><em>I paid very dear for my whistle;</em> as the steam-engine +emphatically said to the railroad.</p> +<p><em>Peel for ever!</em> as the church bells joyously said to +Conservative hearts.</p> +<hr /> +<p>There is at present a man in New York whose temper is so +exceedingly hot that he invariably reduces all his shirts to +tinder.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page192" name="page192"></a>[pg +192]</span> +<h2>PUNCH’S THEATRE.</h2> +<h3>THE MAID OF HONOUR.</h3> +<p>The Adelphi “Correspondent from Paris” has favoured +that Theatre with an adaptation of Scribe’s “<em>Verre +d’Eau</em>,” which he has called “The Maid of +Honour.”</p> +<p>Everybody must remember that, last year, the trifling affair of +the British Government was settled by the far more momentous +consideration of who should be Ladies of the Bed-chamber. The +Parisians, seeing the dramatic capabilities of this incident, put +it into a farce, resting the whole affair upon the shoulders of a +former Queen whose Court was similarly circumstanced. This is the +piece which Mr. Yates has had the daring to get done into English, +and transplanted into Spain, and interspersed with embroidery, +confectionary, and a Spanish sentence; the last judiciously +entrusted to that accomplished linguist, Mr. John Saunders.</p> +<p>Soon after the rising of the curtain, we behold the figure of +Mr. Yates displayed to great advantage in the dress usually +assigned to <em>Noodle</em> and <em>Doodle</em> in the tragedy of +“Tom Thumb.” He represents the <em>Count +Ollivarez</em>, and the head of a political party—the +opposition. The Court faction having for its chief the <em>Duchess +of Albafurez</em>, who being Mistress of the Queen’s robes is +of course her favourite; for the millinery department of the +country which can boast of a Queen Regnant is of far higher +importance than foreign or financial affairs, justice, police, or +war—consequently, the chief of the wardrobe is far more +exalted and better beloved than a mere Premier or Secretary of +State. The Count is planning an intrigue, the agents of which are +to be <em>Henrico</em>, a Court page, and <em>Felicia</em>, a court +milliner. Not being able to make much of the page, he turns over a +new leaf, and addresses himself to the dress-maker; so, after a few +preliminary hems, he draws out the thread of his purpose to her, +and cuts out an excellent pattern for her guidance, which if she +implicitly follow will assuredly make her a Maid of Honour.</p> +<p>A comedy without mystery is Punch without a joke; Yates without +a speech to the audience on a first night; or Bartley’s +pathos without a pocket-handkerchief. The Court page soon opens the +book of <em>imbroglio</em>. He is made a Captain of the +Queen’s Guard by some unknown hand; he has always been +protected by the same unseen benefactor, who, as if to guard him +from every ill that flesh is heir to, showers on him his or her +favours upon condition that he never marries! “Happy +man,” exclaims the Count. “Not at all,” answers +the other, “I am in love with <em>Felicia</em>!” Nobody +is surprised at this, for it is a rule amongst dramatists never to +forbid the banns until the banned, poor devil, is on the steps of +the altar. <em>Henrico</em>, now a Captain, goes off to flesh his +sword; meets with an insult, and by the greatest good luck kills +his antagonist in the precincts of the palace; so that if he be not +hanged for murder, his fortune is made. The victim is the +Count’s cousin, to whom he is next of kin. “Good +Heavens!” ejaculates <em>Ollivarez</em>, “You have made +yourself a criminal, and me—a Duke! Horrible!”</p> +<p>By the way, this same <em>Henrico</em>, as performed by that +excellent swimmer (in the water-piece), Mr. Spencer Forde, forms a +very entertaining character. His imperturbable calmness while +uttering the heart-stirring words, assigned by the author to his +own description of the late affair-of-honourable assassination, was +highly edifying to the philosophic mind. The pleasing and amiable +tones in which he stated how irretrievably he was ruined, the +dulcet sweetness of the farewell to his heart’s adored, the +mathematical exactitude of his position while embracing her, the +cool deliberation which marked his exit—offered a picture of +calm stoicism just on the point of tumbling over the precipice of +destruction not to be equalled—not, at least, since those +halcyon dramatic days when Osbaldiston leased Covent Garden, and +played <em>Pierre</em>.</p> +<p>Somehow or other—for one must not be too particular about +the wherefores of stage political intrigues—<em>Felicia</em> +is promoted from the office of making dresses for the Queen to that +of putting them on. Behold her a maid of honour and of all-work; +for the Queen takes her into her confidence, and in that case +people at Court have an immense variety of duties to perform. The +Duchess’s place is fast becoming a sinecure, and she trembles +for her influence—perhaps, in case of dismissal, for her next +quarter’s salary to boot—so she shakes in her +shoes.</p> +<p>It is at this stage of the plot that we perceive why the part of +<em>Henrico</em> was entrusted to the gentleman who plays +it,—the mystery we have alluded to being by this arrangement +very considerably increased; for we now learn that no fewer than +three ladies in the piece are in love with him, namely, +<em>Felicia</em>, the Queen, and the Duchess. Now the most +penetrating auditor would never, until actually informed of the +fact, for a moment suspect a Queen, or even a Duchess, of such bad +taste; for, as far as our experience goes, we have generally found +that women do not cast their affections to men who are sheepish, +insensible, cold, ungainly, with small voices, and not more than +five feet high. Surprise artfully excited and cleverly satisfied is +the grand aim of the dramatist. How completely is it here +fulfilled! for when we discover that the personator of Henrico is +meant for an Adonis, we <em>are</em> astonished.</p> +<p>The truth is then, that the secret benefactor of this +supposed-to-be irresistible youth has always been the <em>Duchess +Albafurez</em>, who, learning from <em>Ollivarez</em> that her pet +has new claims upon her heart for having killed her friend the +Duke, determines to assist him to escape, which however is not at +all necessary, for Ollivarez is entrusted with the warrant for +apprehending the person or persons unknown who did the murder. But +could he injure the man who has made him a Duke by a lucky +<em>coup-d’épée</em>? No, no. Let him cross the +frontier; and, when he is out of reach, what thundering +denunciations will not the possessor of the dukedom fulminate +against the killer of his cousin! It is shocking to perceive how +intimately acquainted old Scribe must be with manners, customs, and +feelings, as they exist at Court.</p> +<p>The necessary passports are placed before the Queen for her +signature (perhaps her Spanish Majesty can’t afford clerks); +but when she perceives whom they threaten to banish from behind her +chair, she declines honouring them with her autograph. The Duchess +thus learns her secret. “She, too, love Henrico? Well I +never!” About this time a tornado of jealousy may be +expected; but court etiquette prevents it from bursting; and the +Duchess reserves her revenge, the Queen sits down to her embroidery +frame, and one is puzzled to know what is coming next.</p> +<p>This puzzle was not on Monday night long in being resolved. +<em>Ollivarez</em> entered, and a child in the gallery commenced +crying with that persevering quality of tone which threatens long +endurance. Mr. Yates could not resist the temptation; and +Ollivarez, the newly-created Duke of Medina, promised the baby a +free admission for four, any other night, if it would only vacate +the gallery just then. These terms having been assented to by a +final screech, the infant left the gallery. After an +instant’s pause—during which the Manager tapped his +forehead, as much as to say, “Where did I leave +off?”—the piece went on.</p> +<p>We had no idea till last night how difficult it was for a Queen +to indulge in a bit of flirtation! A most elaborate intrigue is, it +seems, necessary to procure for her a tender interview with her +innamorato. A plan was invented, whose intricacy would have +bothered the inventor of spinning-jennies, whereby <em>Henrico</em> +was to be closeted with her most Christian Majesty,—its grand +accomplishment to take place when the Queen called for a glass of +ice (the original <em>Scribe</em> wrote “water,” but +the Adelphi adapter thought ice would be more natural, for fear the +piece should run till Christmas). The Duchess overhears the entire +plot, but fails in frustrating it. Hence we find <em>Henrico, +Felicia</em>, and the Queen together, going through a +well-contrived and charmingly-conducted scene of +equivoque—the Queen questioning <em>Henrico</em> touching the +state of his heart, and he answering her in reference to +<em>Felicia</em>, who is leaning over the embroidery frame behind +the Queen, and out of her sight.</p> +<p>This felicitous situation is interrupted by the spiteful +Duchess; the lover escapes behind the window curtains to avoid +scandal—is discovered, and his sovereign’s reputation +is only saved by the declaration of Felicia, that the Captain is +there on <em>her</em> account. Ollivarez asserts that they are +married, to clench the fib—the Queen sees her folly—the +Duchess is disgraced—all the characters stand in the +well-defined semicircle which is the stage method of writing the +word “finis”—Mrs. Yates speaks a very neat and +pointed “tag”—and that’s all.</p> +<p>For this two-act Comidetta, dear Yates, we pronounce absolution +and remission of thy sins, so wickedly committed in the washy +melo-drama, and cackling vaudeville, thou hast recently affronted +common-sense withal! Thine own acting as the courtier was natural, +except when thou didst interpolate the dialogue with the +baby—a crying sin, believe us. Else, thy bows were graceful; +and thy shoulder-shrugs—are they not chronicled in the +mind’s eye of thy most distant admirers? The little touches +of humour that shone forth in the dialogue assigned to thee, were +not exaggerated by the too-oft-indulged-in grimaces—in short, +despite thy too monstrous <em>chapeau-bras</em>—which was big +enough for a life-boat—thou lookedst like a Duke, a +gentleman, and what in truth thou really art—an indefatigable +<em>intriguant</em>. Thy favoured help-mate, too, gave a reality to +the scene by her captivating union of queenly dignity and feminine +tenderness. But most especially fortunate art thou in thy Felicia. +Alas for our hunch and our hatchet nose! but O, alas! and alas! +that we have a Judy! for never did we regret all three so deeply as +while Miss Ellen Chaplin was on the stage. In our favourite scene +with the Queen and her lover, how graceful and expressive were her +dumb answers to what ought to have been Henrico’s eloquent +declarations, spoken <em>through</em> the Queen. We charge thee, +dear friend, to “call” her on Monday morning at eleven, +and to rehearse unto her what we are going to say. Tell her that as +she is young, a bright career is before her if she will not fall +into the sin of copying some other favourite actress—say, for +instance, Mrs. Yates—instead of our arch-mistress, Nature; +say, moreover, that at the same time, she must be unwearying in +acquiring <em>art</em>; lastly, inform her, that Punch has his eye +upon her, and will scold her if she become a backslider and an +imitator of other people’s faults.</p> +<p>As to poor Mr. <em>Spencer</em> Forde, he, too, is young; and +you do wrong, O Yates! in giving him a part he will be unequal to +till he grows big enough for a coat. A smaller part would, we doubt +not, suit him excellently.</p> +<p>Lastly, give our best compliments to Mrs. Fosbroke, to the +illustrious Mr. Freeborn, to Mr. John Saunders, and our especial +commendations to thy scene-painter, thy upholsterer, and the +gentleman lamp-lighter thou art so justly proud of; for each did +his and her best to add a charm to “The Maid of +Honour.”</p> +<hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +1, October 30, 1841, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14934-h.htm or 14934-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/9/3/14934/ + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, October 30, 1841 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14934] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 1. + + + +FOR THE WEEK ENDING OCTOBER 30, 1841. + + * * * * * + + +THE GREAT CREATURE. + +That "great creature," like some other "great creatures," happened, as +almanacs say, "about this time" to be somewhat "out at elbows;"--not in +the way of costume, for the very plenitude of his wardrobe was the cause +which produced this effect, inasmuch as the word "received" in the +veritable autograph of Messrs. Moleskin and Corderoy could nowhere be +discovered annexed to the bills thereof: a slight upon their powers of +penmanship which roused their individual, collective, and coparcenary ires +to such a pitch, that they, Messrs. Moleskin and Corderoy, through the +medium of their Attorneys-at-law, Messrs. Gallowsworthy and Pickles, of +Furnival's Inn, forwarded a writ to the unfortunate Hannibal Fitzflummery +Fitzflam,--the which writ in process of time, being the legal seed, became +ripened into a very vigorous execution, and was consigned to the care of a +gentleman holding a _Civil_ employment with a _Military_ title, viz. that +of "_Officer_" to the Sheriff of Middlesex, with strict injunctions to the +said--anything but _Civil_ or _Military_--nondescript "officer," to secure +and keep the person of Hannibal Fitzflummery Fitzflam till such time as +the debt due to Messrs. Moleskin and Corderoy, and the legal charges of +Messrs. Gallowsworthy and Pickles, should be discharged, defrayed, and +liquidated. + +Frequent were the meetings of Messrs. Gallowsworthy and Pickles and their +man-trap, and as frequent their disappointments:--Fitzflam always gave +them the double! Having procured leave of absence from the Town Managers, +and finding the place rather too hot to hold him, he departed for the +country, and, as fate would have it, arrived at the inn then occupied by +Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk. + +In this out-of-the-way place he fondly imagined he had never been heard +of. Judge then of his surprise, after his dinner and pint of wine, at the +following information. + +_Fitz._ "Waiter." + +"Yes, sar." + +"Who have you in the house?" + +"Fust of company, sar;--alwaist, sar." + +"Oh! of course;--any one in particular?" + +"Yes, sar, very particular: one gentleman very particular, indeed. Has his +bed warmed with brown sugar in the pan, and drinks asses' milk, sar, for +breakfast!" + +"Strange fellow! but I mean any one of name?" + +"Yes, sar, a German, sar; with a name so long, sar, it take all the indoor +servants and a stable-helper to call him up of a morning." + +"You don't understand me. Have you any public people here?" + +"Yes, sar--great man from town, sar--belongs to the Theatre--Mr. Fitzflam, +sar--quite the gentleman, sar." + +"Thank you for the compliment" (_bowing low_). + +"No compliment at all, sar; would you like to see him, sar?--sell you a +ticket, sar; or buy one of you, sar." + +"What?" + +"House expected to be full, sar--sure to sell it again, sar." + +"What the devil are you talking about?" + +"The play, sar--Fitzflam, sar!--there's the bill, sar, and (_bell rings_) +there's the bell, sar. Coming." (_Exit Waiter_.) + +The first thing that suggested itself to the mind of Mr. Hannibal +Fitzflummery Fitzflam was the absolute necessity of insisting upon that +insane waiter's submitting to the total loss of his well-greased locks, +and enveloping his outward man in an extra-strong strait-waistcoat; the +next was to look at the bill, and there he saw--"horror of horrors!"--the +name, "the bright ancestral name"--the name he bore, bursting forth in all +the reckless impudence of the largest type and the reddest vermilion! + +Anger, rage, and indignation, like so many candidates for the exalted +mutton on a greased pole, rushed tumultuously over each other's heads, +each anxious to gain the "ascendant" in the bosom of Mr. Hannibal +Fitzflummery Fitzflam. To reduce a six-and-ninepenny gossamer to the +fac-simile of a bereaved muffin in mourning by one vigorous blow wherewith +he secured it on his head, grasp his ample cane and three half-sucked +oranges (in case it should come to pelting), and rush to the theatre, was +the work of just twelve minutes and a half. In another brief moment, +payment having been tendered and accepted, Fitzflam was in the boxes, +ready to expose the swindle and the swindler! + +The first act was over, and the audience were discussing the merits of the +supposed Roscius. + +"He _is_ a sweet young man," said a simpering damsel to a red-headed +Lothario, with just brains enough to be jealous, and spirit enough to damn +the player. + +"I don't see it," responded he of the Rufusian locks. + +"Such _dear_ legs!" + +"_Dear_ legs--_duck_ legs you mean, miss!" + +"And _such_ a voice!" + +"Voice! I'll holler with him for all he's worth." + +"Ha' done, do!" + +"I shan't: Fitzflam's--an--umbug!" + +"Sir!" exclaimed Hannibal Fitzflummery Fitz of "that ilk." + +"And Sir to you!" retorted "the child of earth with the golden hair." + +"I suppose I'm a right to speak my mind of that or any other chap I pays +to laugh at!" + +"It's a tragedy, James." + +"All the funnier when sich as him comes to play in them." + +"Hush! the curtain's up."--So it was; and "Bravo! bravo!" shouted the +ladies, and "Hurrah!" shouted the gentlemen. Never had Mr. Hannibal +Fitzflummery Fitzflam seen such wretched acting, or heard such +enthusiastic applause. Round followed round, until, worked up to frenzy at +the libel upon his name, and, as he thought, his art, he vociferously +exclaimed, "Ladies and gentlemen, that man's a d--d impostor! ("Turn him +out! throw him over! break his neck!" shouted the gods. "Shame shame!" +called the boxes. "You're drunk," exclaimed the pit to a man.) I repeat +that man is--("_Take that_!"--an apple in Fitzflam's eye.) I say he is +another ("There it is!"--in his other eye) person +altogether--a--("Boxkeeper!") Nothing of the sort; a--("Constable!") I'll +take--("Take that fellow out!") Allow me to be--("Off! off!") I +am--("'Out! out!") Let me request.--("Order! order!--hiss! hiss!--oh! +oh!--ah! ah!--phit! phit!--Booh!--booh!--wooh!--oh!--ah!")" + +Here Mr. Fitzfunk came forward, and commenced bowing like a mandarin, +while the gentleman who had blacked Fitzflam's eye desisted from forcing +him out of the box, to hear the "great creature" speak. Fitzfunk +commenced, "Ahem--Ladies and gentlemen, surrounded as I am by all sorts +of--(Bravos from all parts of the house.) Friends! Friends in the +boxes!--("Bravo!" from boxes, with violent waving of handkerchiefs.) +Friends in the pit!--("Hurrah!" and sundry excited hats performing +extraordinary aerial gyrations.) And last, not least in my dear love, +friends in the gallery!--(Raptures of applause; five minutes' whistling; +three chandeliers and two heads broken; and the owners of seventeen corns +_stamped_ up to frenzy!) Need I fear the malice of an individual? ("Never! +never!" from all parts of the house.) Could I deceive you, an enlightened +public? ("No! no! impossible! all fudge!") Would I attempt such a thing? +("No! no! by no manner of means!") I am, ladies and gentlemen--("Fitzflam! +Fitzflam!") I bow to your judgment. I have witnesses; shall I produce +them?" "No," said two of his most enthusiastic supporters, scrambling out +of the pit, and getting on the stage; "Don't trouble yourself; we know +you; (_Omnes_. "Hurrah!" To Fitzflam in boxes--"Shame! shame!") _we_ will +swear to you; (_Omnes_, " Fitzflam for ever!") and--we don't care who +knows it--(_Omnes_. "Noble fellows!") we arrest you at the suit of +Messrs. Moleskin and Corderoy, Regent's-quadrant, tailors. Attorneys, +Messrs. Gallowsworthy and Pickles, of Furnival's Inn. Plaintiff claims +54l. debt and 65l. costs; so come along, will you!" + +It was an exceedingly fortunate thing for the representatives of the +Sheriff of Middlesex that their exit was marked by more expedition than +elegance; for as soon as their real purpose was known, Fitzflam (as the +audience supposed Fitzfunk to be) would have been rescued _vi et armis_. +As it was, they hurried him to a back room at the inn, and carefully +double-locked the door. It was also rather singular that from the moment +of the officer's appearance, the gentleman in the boxes whose doubts had +caused the disturbance immediately owned himself in the wrong, apologised +for his mistake, and withdrew. As the tragedy could not proceed without +Fitzfunk, the manager proposed a hornpipe-in-fetters and general dance by +the characters; instead of the last act which was accepted, and loudly +applauded and encored by the audience. + +Seated in his melancholy apartment, well guarded by the bailiff, certain +of being discovered and perhaps punished as an impostor, or compelled to +part with all his earnings to pay for coats and continuations he had never +worn, the luckless Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk gave way to deep +despondency, and various "ahs!" and "ohs!" A tap at the door was followed +by the introduction of a three-cornered note addressed to himself. The +following were its contents:-- + +"Sir,--It appears from this night's adventure _my name_ has heretofore +been useful to you, and on the present occasion your impersonation of it +has been useful to me. We are thus far quits. _I_, as the 'real Simon +Pure,' will tell you what to do. Protest you _are not the man_. Get +witnesses to hear you say so; and when taken to London (as you will be) +and the men are undeceived, threaten to bring an action against the +Sheriff unless those harpies, Messrs. Gallowsworthy and Pickles, give you +20l. for yourself, and a receipt in full for the debt and costs. Keep my +secret; I'll keep yours. Burn this.--H.F.F." + +No sooner read than done; and all came to pass as the note predicted. +Gallowsworthy and Pickles grumbled, but were compelled to pay. Fitzflam +and Fitzfunk became inseparable. Fitzflam was even heard to say, he +thought in time Fitzfunk would make a decent walking gentleman; and +Fitzfunk was always impressed with an opinion that _he_ was the man of +talent, and that Fitzflam would never have been able to succeed in +"starring it" where he had been "_The Great Creature_." + +FUSBOS. + +N.B.--The author of this paper has commenced adapting it for stage +representation. + + * * * * * + + +THE DESIRE OF PLEASING. + +"May I be married, ma?" said a lovely girl of fifteen to her mother the +other morning. "Married!" exclaimed the astonished matron; "what put such +an idea into your head?" "Little Emily, here, has never seen a wedding; +and I'd like to amuse the child," replied the obliging sister, with +fascinating _naivete_. + + * * * * * + + +THE HEIR OF APPLEBITE. + +CHAPTER VIII. + +[Illustration: A]A serious accident to the double-bass was the +extraordinary occurrence alluded to in our last chapter. It appeared that, +contrary to the _usual_ custom of the class of musicians that attend +evening parties, the operator upon the double-bass had early in the +evening shown slight symptoms of inebriety, which were alarmingly +increased during supper-time by a liberal consumption of wine, ale, gin, +and other compounds. The harp, flageolet, and first violin, had prudently +abstained from drinking--at their own expense, and had reserved their +thirstiness for the benefit of the bibicals of the "founder of the feast," +and, consequently, had only attained that peculiar state of sapient +freshness which invariably characterises quadrille bands after supper, and +had, therefore, overlooked the rapid obfuscation of their more imprudent +companion in their earnest consideration of themselves. + +Bacchus has long been acknowledged to be the cicerone of Cupid; and +accordingly the God of Wine introduced the God of Love into the bosom of +the double-bass, who, with a commendable feeling of sociality, instantly +invited the cook to join the party. Now Susan, though a staid woman, and +weighing, moreover, sixteen stone, was fond of a "hinnocent bit of +nonsense," kindly consented to take just a "sip of red port wine" with the +performer upon catgut cables; and everything was progressing _allegro_, +when Cupid wickedly stimulated the double-bass to chuck Susan's double +chin, and then, with the frenzy of a Bacchanal, to attempt the +impossibility of encircling the ample waist of his Dulcinea. This was +carrying the joke a _leetle_ too far, and Susan, equally alarmed for her +reputation and her habit-shirt, struggled to free herself from the embrace +of the votary of Apollo; but the fiddler was not to be so easily disposed +of, and he clung to the object of his admiration with such pertinacity +that Susan was compelled to redouble her exertions, which were ultimately +successful in embedding the double-bass in the body of his instrument. The +crash was frightful, and Susan, having vainly endeavoured to free herself +from the incubus which had fastened upon her, proceeded to scream most +lustily as an overture to a faint. These sounds reached the supper-room, +and occasioned the diversion in John's favour; a simultaneous rush was +instantly made to the quarter from whence they proceeded, as the whole +range of accidents and offences flashed across the imaginations of the +affrighted revellers. + +Mrs. Waddledot decided that the china tea-service was no more. Mrs. +Applebite felt certain that "the heir" had tumbled into the tea-urn, or +had cut another tooth very suddenly. The gentlemen were assured that a +foray had taken place upon the hats and cloaks below, and that cabs would +be at a premium and colds at a discount. The ladies made various +applications of the rest of the catalogue; whilst old John wound up the +matter by the consolatory announcement that he "know'd the fire hadn't +been put out by the _in_gines in the morning." + +The general alarm was, however, converted into general laughter when the +real state of affairs was ascertained; and Susan having been recovered by +burning feathers under her nose, and pouring brandy down her throat, +preparations were made for the disinterment of the double-bass. To all +attempts to effect such a laudable purpose, the said double-bass offered +the most violent opposition, declaring he should never be so happy again, +and earnestly entreated Susan to share his heart and temporary residence. + +Her refusal of both seemed to cause him momentary uneasiness, for hanging +his head upon his breast he murmured out-- + + "Now she has left me her loss to deplore;" + +and then burst into a loud huzza that rendered some suggestions about the +police necessary, which Mr. Double-bass treated with a contempt truly +royal. He then seemed to be impressed with an idea that he was the index +to a "Little Warbler;" for at the request of no one he proceeded to +announce the titles of all the popular songs from the time of Shield +downwards. How long he would have continued this vocal category is +uncertain; but as exertion seemed rather to increase than diminish his +boisterous merriment, the suggestions respecting the police were ordered +to be adopted, and accordingly two of the force were requested to remove +him from the domicile where he was creating so much discord in lieu of +harmony. + +Double-bass still continued deaf to all entreaties for silence and +progression, and when a stretcher was mentioned grew positively furious, +and insisted that, as he had a conveyance of his own, he should be taken +to whatever destination they chose to select for him on, or rather in, +that vehicle. Accordingly a rattle was sprung, and duly answered by two or +three more of those alphabetical gentlemen who emanate from Scotland-yard, +by whose united efforts the refractory musician was carried out in +triumph, firmly and safely seated in his own ponderous instrument, loudly +insisting that he should be conveyed + +[Illustration: WITH CARE--THIS SIDE UP.] + +The interruption occasioned by this interesting occurrence was productive +of a general clearance of 24, Pleasant-place; and the apartments which +were so lately filled with airy sylphs and trussed Adonises presented a +strange jumble of rough coats, dingy silk cloaks, very _passe_ bonnets, +and numerous heads enveloped in faded white handkerchiefs. Everything +began to look miserable; candles were seen in all directions flickering +with their inevitable destiny; bouquets were thrown carelessly upon the +ground; and the very faintest odour of a cigar found its way from the +street-door into the drawing-room. Then came the hubbub of struggling +jarvies; the hoarse, continued inquiries of those peculiar beings that +emerge from some unknown quarter of the great metropolis, and "live and +move and have their being" at the doorsteps of party-giving people. What +tales could those benighted creatures tell of secret pressures of hands, +whispered sentences of sweet words, which have led in after-days to many a +blissful union! What sighs must have fallen upon their ears as they have +rolled up the steps and slammed to the doors of the vehicle which bore +away the idol of the evening! But they have no romance--no ambition but to +call "My lord duke's coach." + +Then came the desolate stillness of the "banquet-hall deserted;" the +consciousness that the hour of grandeur had passed away. There was nothing +to break the stillness but Mrs. Applebite counting up the spoons, and Mrs. +Waddledot re-decanting the remainders. + + * * * * * + + +BURKE'S HERALDRY. + +Our amiable friend and classical correspondent, Deaf Burke--"mind, +yes"--has lately mounted a coat-of-_arms_, "Dexter and Sinister;" a Nose +gules and Eye sable; three annulets of Ropes in chief, supported by two +Prize-fighters proper. Motto,-- + +[Illustration: KNOCK AND RING.] + + * * * * * + + +A SUGGESTION + +For the formation of a Society for the relief of foreigners afflicted with +a short pocket and a long beard. + +Mr. Muntz to be immediately waited upon by a body of the unhappy +sufferers, and requested to give his countenance and assistance to the +establishment of an INSTITUTION FOR THE GRATUITOUS SHAVING OF DESTITUTE +AND HIRSUTE FOREIGNERS. + + * * * * * + + +THE GOLD SNUFF-BOX. + +[Illustration: M]My aunt, Mrs. Cheeseman, is the very reverse of her +husband. He is a plain, honest creature, such as we read of in full-length +descriptions by some folks, but equally comprehensive, though shortly done +by others, under the simple name of John Bull--as ungarnished in his +dress, as in his speech and action; whereas Mrs. Cheeseman, as I have just +told you, is the counterpart of plainness; she has trinkets out of number, +brooches, backed with every kind of hair, from "the flaxen-headed cow-boy" +to the deep-toned "Jim Crow." Then her rings--they _are_ the surprise of +her staring acquaintances; she has them from the most delicate Oriental +fabric to the massiveness of dog's collars. + +Uncle Cheeseman says Mrs. C. thinks of nothing else; no sporting +gentleman, handsomely furnished, in the golden days of pugilism, ever +looked upon a ring with more delightful emotions. At going to bed, she +bestows the same affectionate gaze upon them that mothers do upon their +slumbering progeny; nor is that care and affection diminished in the +morning: her very imagination is a ring, seeing that it has neither +beginning nor end--her tender ideas are encircled by the four magical +letters R--I--N--G. Even at church, we are told, she divides her time +between sleeping and secret polishing. It has just occurred to me, that I +might have saved you and myself much trouble had I at once told you that +aunt Cheeseman is a regular _Ring-worm_. + +But, to my uncle--the only finery sported by him (and I hardly think it +deserving that word), besides a silver watch, sound and true as the owner, +and the very prototype of his bulk and serenity, was a gold snuff-box, a +large and handsome one, which he did not esteem for its intrinsic weight; +he had a "lusty pride" in showing that it was a prize gained in some +skilful agricultural contest. I am sorry at not recollecting what was +engraven on it; but being a thorough Cockney, and knowing nothing more of +the plough and harrow than that I have somewhere observed it as a tavern +sign, must plead for my ignorance in out-o'-town matters. + +You can remember, no doubt, the day the Queen went to dine with the City +Nabobs at Guildhall. Cheeseman hurried impatiently to London for the sole +purpose of _seeing_ the sight, and upon finding my liking for the +spectacle as powerful as his own, declared I was the only sensible child +my mother ever had, and adding that as he was well able to push his way +through a Lunnon crowd, if my father and mother were willing, under his +protection I should see this grand affair. Not the slightest objection was +put in opposition to my uncle's proposal, consequently the next day, +November the 9th, 1837, uncle Cheeseman and I formed integral portions of +the huge mass of spectators which reached from St. James's to the City. + +After slipping off the pavement a score of times (and in some instances +opportunely enough to be shoulder-grazed by a passing coach-wheel), +stunning numberless persons by explosions of oaths for clumsy collisions +and unintentional performances upon his tenderest corn, we reached the +corner of St. Paul's churchyard. + +Having secured by a two-shilling bargain about three feet of a form, +which, I suppose, upon any other day than a general holiday like the +present was the _locus in quo_ for little dears whose young ideas were +taught to shoot at threepence a week, uncle took breath, and a pinch of +snuff together: he smiled as I observed, that he'd be sure to take a +refresher when her Majesty passed; and though he shook his head and +designated me a sly young rogue, I could clearly perceive that he was +plotting to perform, as if by chance, what I had predicated as a +certainty; and although nineteen persons out of twenty would have marked +(in this instance) his puerility, I doubt not but that the same number are +(at some periods of their existence) innocent victims to the like +weakness, whether it be generated in a snuff-box or a royal diploma. + +By-and-by, a murmur from the distance, which succeeded a restless motion +among the crowd (like a leafy agitation of trees coming as a kind of +_courier en avant_ to announce the regular hurricane), broke gradually, +and at last uproariously upon us; straining our necks and eyes in the +attractive direction. Uncle grasped me by the arm, and though he spoke not +a word, he fairly stared, "Here it comes." Now the thick tide of the +moving portion of the spectators began to sweep past us, as they hedged in +the soldiery and carriages; then came the shouting, accompanied by various +kinds of squeezing, tearing, and stumbling; some screaming compliments to +her Majesty, and in the same breath dispensing more violent compliments in +an opposite direction, and of a decidedly different tendency. Shoes were +trodden off, and bonnets crushed out of all fashion; coats were curtailed; +samples of their quality were either seen dangling at the heels of the +wearer, or were ignominiously trodden under foot; and many superfine +Saxony trousers were double-milled without mercy. + +Whilst we were pluming ourselves upon the snugness of our situations, and +the attendant good fortune of being easy partners in the business of the +day, and thus freed from the vexations and perplexities so largely +distributed in our view, I was hindered from communicating my happiness +upon these points, for at this moment down went my uncle Cheeseman, and as +suddenly up flew his arms above his head, like Boatswain Smith at the +height of exhortation on Tower Hill. I was surprised, and so appeared my +unfortunate relation, who superadded an additional mixture of indignation +as I caught a glimpse or two of his chameleon-like visage; for at the first +sight I could have most honestly sworn it to have been white--at the +second as crimson as the sudden consciousness of helpless injury could +make it. Nevertheless, he sailed away from me in this extraordinary +attitude for a short distance, when suddenly, as he lowered his arms, I +observed sundry hands descend quickly, and, as I thought, kindly, lest he +should lose his hat, upon the crown of it, until it encased more of his +head than could be deemed either fashionable or comfortable. Presently, +however, he was again seen viciously elbowing and writhing his way back to +me, which after immense exertions he performed, in the full receipt of +numerous anathemas and jocular insults. As he neared me, I inquired what +he had been doing; why he had left me for such a short, difficult, and +unprofitable journey--which queries, innocently playful as they were, +appeared to produce a choking sensation, accompanied by a full-length +stare at me; but his naturally kind heart was not kept long closed against +me, and I gleaned the melancholy fact from his indignation, which was +continually emitted in such short gusts as, "The villains"--"The +scoundrels"--"And done so suddenly"--"The only thing I prized,"--"Well, +this is a lesson for me." As we returned home, uncle displayed a wish to +thrust himself everywhere into the densest mass; there was a morbid +carelessness in his manner that he had hitherto never shown; he was +evidently another man, a fallen creature; his pride, his existence, the +very theme of all his joys, his gold snuff-box, had departed for ever, and +his heart was in that box: what would Mrs. Cheeseman say? He had been +cleaned out to the very letter--ay, that letter--it perhaps contained +matters of moment. + +I have since that affair upon several occasions heard the poor fellow +declare that much as he was heart-broken at the loss of his box, his +feelings were lacerated to a greater degree when, in a curtain lecture, my +staid, correct, frosty-hearted, jewel-hugging aunt said, "Cheeseman, it +was a judgment for such conduct to a wife. In that letter, which you +treated with such contumely, I strictly cautioned you not to take that +valuable box about with you, if your madness for sight-seeing should lead +you into a mob. Let this be a warning to you; and be sure that though +woman be the weaker vessel, she is oftentimes the deepest." We believe it. + + * * * * * + + +THE PENSIVE PEEL. + +It is an unfounded calumny of the enemies of Sir Robert Peel to say that +he has gone into the country to amuse himself--shooting, feasting, eating, +and drinking--while the people are starving in the streets and highways. +_We_ know that the heart of the compassionate _old rat_ bleeds for the +distresses of the nation, and that he is at this moment living upon bread +and water, and studying Lord John Russell's hints on the Corn-laws, in + +[Illustration: THE MONASTERY OF LA TRAPPE.] + + * * * * * + + +DOMESTIC ECONOMY. + + Said Stiggins to his wife one day, + "We've nothing left to eat; + If things go on in this queer way, + We shan't make _both ends meet._" + + The dame replied, in words discreet, + "We're not so badly fed, + If we can make but _one_ end _meat_, + And make the other _bread_." + + * * * * * + + +NIGGER PECULIARITIES. + +Perhaps no race of people on the face of the habitable globe are so +strongly imbued with individual peculiarities as the free and slave negro +population of the United States. Out-heroding Herod in their monstrous +attempts of imitating and exceeding the fashions of the whites, the +emulative "Darkies" may be seen on Sundays occupying the whole extent of +the Broadway pavement, dressed in fashions carried to the very sublime of +the ridiculous. Whatever is the order of the day, the highest _ton_ among +the whites is instantly adopted, with the most ludicrous exaggeration, by +the blacks: if small brims be worn by the beaus of the former, they +degenerate to nothing on the skulls of the latter; if width be the order +of the day, the coloured gentlemen rush out in unmeasurable umbrellas of +felt, straw, and gossamer. A long-tailed white is, in comparison, but a +docked black. Should muslin trip from a carriage, tucked or flounced to +the knee, the same material, sported by a sable belle, will take its next +Sunday out fur-belowed from hip to heel. Parasols are parachutes; sandals, +black bandages; large bonnets, straw sheds, and small ones, nonentities. +So it is with colours: green becomes more green, blue more blue, orange +more orange, and crimson more flaming, when sported by these ebon slaves +of deep-rooted vanity. + +The spirit of imitation manifests itself in all their actions: hence it is +by no means an uncommon occurrence to see a tall, round-shouldered, +woolly-headed, buck-shinned, and inky-complexioned "Free Nigger," +sauntering out on Sunday, shading his huge weather-proof face from the +rays of the encroaching sun under a carefully-carried silk umbrella! And +again, as in many of the places of worship the whole congregation cannot +be accommodated with seats, many of the members supply their own; so these +sable gentry may be frequently seen progressing to church with a small +stool under their arms: and in one instance, rather than be disappointed, +or obliged to stand,--a solemn-looking specimen of the species actually +provided himself with a strong brick-bat, and having carefully covered it +with his many and bright-coloured bandana, preserved his gravity, and, +still more strange, his balance, with an irresistible degree of +mirth-creating composure. + +Their laziness and unequivocal antipathy to work is as true as proverbial. +We know an instance of it in which the master ordered his sable "help" to +carry a small box from the steam pier to the Astor-House Hotel, where his +newly-married wife, an English lady, was waiting for it; judge of her +surprise to see the dark gentleman arrive followed by an Irish lad bearing +the freight intended for himself. + +"Dar," said the domineering conductor; "dar, dat will do; put da box down +dar. Now, Missis, look here, jist give dat chap a shillin." + +"A shilling! What for?" + +"Cos he bring up dar plunder from de bay." + +"Why didn't you bring it yourself?" + +"Look here. Somehow I rader guess I should ha let dar box fall and +smashiated de contents, so I jist give dat white trash de job jest to let +de poor crittur arn a shillin." + +Remonstrance was vain, so the money was paid; the lady declaring, for the +future, should he think proper to employ a deputy, it must be at his own +expense. The above term "white trash" is the one commonly employed to +express their supreme contempt for the "low Irish wulgar set." + +Their dissensions among themselves are irresistibly comic. Threatening +each other in the most outrageous manner; pouring out invectives, +anathemas, and denunciations of the most deadly nature; but nine times in +ten letting the strife end without a blow; affording in their quarrels an +apt illustration of + + "A tale full of sound and fury, + Told by an idiot, signifying nothing." + +Suppose an affront, fancied or real, put by one on another, the common +commencement of ireful expostulations generally runs as follows:-- + +"Look here! you d--m black nigger; what you do dat for, Sar?" + +"Hoo you call black, Sar? D--m, as white as you, Sar; any day, Sar. You +nigger, Sar!" + +"Look here agin; don't you call me a nigger, Sar. Now, don't you do it." + +"Why not?" + +"Neber mind; I've told you on it, so don't you go to do it no more, you +mighty low black, cos if you do put my dander up, and make me wrasey, I +rader guess I'll smash in your nigger's head, like a bust-up egg-shell. +Ise a ring-tailed roarer, I tell you!" + +"Reckon I'm a Pottomus. Don't you go to put my steam up; d--d if don't +bust and scald you out. I'm nothing but a snorter--a pretty considerable +tarnation long team, and a couple of horses to spare; so jest be quiet, I +tell you, or I'll use you up uncommon sharp." + +"You use me up! Yoo, yoo! D--m! You and your wife and some nigger +children, all ob you, was sold for a hundred and fifty dollars less than +this nigger." + +"Look here, don't you say dat agin; don't you do it; I tell you, don't you +do it, or I'll jist give you such an almighty everlasting shaking, dat you +shall pray for a cold ague as a holiday. I'm worth considerable more +dollars dan sich a low black man as you is worth cents. Why, didn't dey +offer to give you away, only you such dam trash no one would take you, so +at last you was knocked down to a blind man." + +"What dat? Here! Stand clear dar behind, and get out ob de way in front, +I'm jist going to take a run and butt dat nigger out of de State. Let me +go, do you hear? Golly, if you hadn't held me he'd a been werry small +pieces by dis time. D--m, I'll break him up." + +"Yoo, yoo! Your low buck-shins neber carry your black head fast enough to +catch dis elegant nigger. You jist run; you'll find I'm nothing but an +alligator. You hab no more chance dan a black slug under de wheels of a +plunder-train carriage. You is unnoticeable by dis gentleman." + +"Dar dat good, gentleman! Golly, dat good! Look here, don't you neber +speak to me no more." + +"And look here, nigger, don't you neber speak to me." + +"See you d--m fust, black man." + +"See you scorched fust, nigger." + +"Good day, trash." + +"Good mornin, dirt!" + +So generally ends the quarrel; but about half-an-hour afterwards the Trash +and Dirt will generally be found lauding each other to the skies, and +cementing a new six hours' friendship over some brandy punch or a mint +julep. + + * * * * * + + +SONGS OF THE SEEDY.--No. VI. + + You bid me rove, Mary, + In the shady grove, Mary, + With you to the close of even; + But I can't, my dear, + For I must, I swear, + Be off at a quarter to seven. + + Nay, do not start, Mary; + Nor let your heart, Mary, + Be disturb'd in its innocent purity; + I'm sure that _you_ + Wouldn't have me do + My friend--my bail--my security! + + That tearful eye, Mary, + Seems to ask me why, Mary, + I can wait till sunset on'y. + Ah! turn not away; + I am out for the day + On a _Fleet_ and fleeting _pony_. + + Your wide open mouth, Mary, + With its breath like the south, Mary, + Seems to ask for an explanation. + Well, though not of the schools, + I live within _rules_, + And am subject to observation. + + But come to my arms, Mary; + Let no dread alarms, Mary, + In our present happiness warp us! + I've not the least doubt + Of soon getting out, + By a writ of _habeas corpus_. + + Away with despair, Mary; + Let us cast in the air, Mary, + His dark and gloomy fetters. + Why _should_ we be rack'd, + When we think of the Act + For relieving Insolvent Debtors. + + * * * * * + + +A MAYOR'S NEST. + +Our friend the Sir Peter Laureate wishes to know whether the work upon +"Horal Surgery" is not a new-invented description of almanack, as it is +announced as + +[Illustration: CURTIS ON THE EAR[1]] + + [1] _Qy_. Year.--Printer's Devil. + + * * * * * + + +THE PHYSIOLOGY OF THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT. + +5.--OF HIS MATURITY, AND LATIN EXAMINATION. + +The second season arrives, and our pupil becomes "a medical student" in +the fullest sense of the word. He has an indistinct recollection that +there are such things as wards in the hospital as well as in a key or the +city, and a vague wandering, like the morning's impression of the dreams +of the preceding night, that in the remote dark ages of his career he took +some notes upon the various lectures, the which have long since been +converted into pipe-lights or small darts, which, twisted up and propelled +from between the forefingers of each hand, fly with unerring aim across +the theatre at the lecturer's head, the slumbering student, or any other +object worth aiming at--an amusing way of beguiling the hour's lecture, +and only excelled by the sport produced, if he has the good luck to sit in +a sunbeam, from making a tournament of "Jack-o'-lanthorns" on the ceiling. +His locker in the lobby of the dissecting-room has long since been devoid +of apron, sleeves, scalpels, or forceps; but still it is not empty. Its +contents are composed of three bellpull-handles, a valuable series of +shutter-fastenings, two or three broken pipes, a pewter "go" (which, if +everybody had their own, would in all probability belong to Mr. Evans, of +Covent Garden Piazza), some scraps of biscuit, and a round knocker, which +forcibly recalls a pleasant evening he once spent, with the accompanying +anecdotes of how he "bilked the pike" at Waterloo Bridge, and poor Jones +got "jug'd" by mistake. + +It must not, however, be supposed that the student now neglects visiting +the dissecting-room. On the contrary, he is unremitting in his attendance, +and sometimes the first there of a morning, more especially when he has, +to use his own expression, been "going it rather fast than otherwise" the +evening before, and comes to the school very early in the morning to have +a good wash and refresh himself previously to snatching a little of the +slumber he has forgotten to take during the night, which he enjoys very +quietly in the injecting-room down stairs, amidst a heterogeneous +assemblage of pipkins, subjects, deal coffins, sawdust, inflated stomachs, +syringes, macerating tubs, and dried preparations. The dissecting-room is +also his favourite resort for refreshment, and he broils sprats and red +herrings on the fire-shovel with consummate skill, amusing himself during +the process of his culinary arrangements by sawing the corners off the +stone mantel-piece, throwing cinders at the new man, or seeing how long it +takes to bore a hole through one of the stools with a red-hot poker. +Indeed, these luckless pieces of furniture are always marked out by the +student as the fittest objects on which to wreak his destructive +propensities; and he generally discovers that the readiest way to do them +up is to hop steeple-chases upon them from one end of the room to the +other--a sporting amusement which shakes them to pieces, and irremediably +dislocates all their articulations, sooner than anything else. Of course +these pleasantries are only carried on in the absence of the demonstrator. +Should he be present, the industry of the student is confined to poking +the fire in the stove and then shutting the flue, or keeping down the ball +of the cistern by some abdominal hooks, and then, before the invasion of +smoke and water takes place, quietly joining a knot of new men who are +strenuously endeavouring to dissect the brain and discover the +_hippocampus major_, which they expect to find in the perfect similitude +of a sea-horse, like the web-footed quadrupeds who paw the "reality" in +the "area usually devoted to illusion," or tank, at the Adelphi Theatre. + +If one of the professors of his medical school chances to be addicted to +making anti-Martin experiments on animals, or the study of comparative +anatomy, the pursuits offer an endless fund of amusement to the jocose +student. He administers poison to the toxicological guinea-pigs; hunts the +rabbit kept for galvanism about the school; lets loose in the theatre, by +accident, the sparrows preserved to show the rapidly fatal action of +_choke-damp_ upon life; turns the bladders, which have been provided to +tie over bottles, into footballs; and makes daily contributions to the +plate of pebbles taken from the stomach of the ostrich, and preserved in +the museum to show the mode in which these birds assist digestion, until +he quadruples the quantity, and has the quiet satisfaction of seeing +exhibited at lecture, as the identical objects, the heap of small stones +which he has collected from time to time in the garden of the school, or +from any excavation for pipes or paving which he may have passed in his +route from his lodgings. + +The second or middle course of the three winter sessions which the medical +student is compelled to go through, is the one in which he most enjoys +himself, and indulges in those little outbreaks of eccentric mirth which +eminently qualify him for his future professional career. During the first +course he studies from novelty--during the last from compulsion; but the +middle one passes in unlimited sprees and perpetual half-and-half. The +only grand project he now undertakes is "going up for his Latin," provided +he had not courage to do so upon first coming to London. For some weeks +before this period he is never seen without an interlined edition of +Celsus and Gregory; not that he debars himself from joviality during the +time of his preparation, but he judiciously combines study with +amusement--never stirring without his translation in his pocket, and even, +if he goes to the theatre, beguiling the time between the pieces by +learning the literal order of a new paragraph. Every school possesses +circulating copies of these works: they have been originally purchased in +some wild moment of industrious extravagance by a new man; and when he +passed, he sold them for five shillings to another, who, in turn, disposed +of them to a third, until they had run nearly all through the school. The +student grinds away at these until he knows them almost by heart, albeit +his translation is not the most elegant. He reads--"_Sanus homo_, a sound +man; _qui_, who; _et_, also; _bene valet_, well is in health; _et_, and; +_suae spontis_, of his own choice; _est_, is," &c. This, however, is quite +sufficient; and, accordingly, one afternoon, in a rash moment, he makes up +his mind to "go up." Arrived at Apothecaries' Hall--a building which he +regards with a feeling of awe far beyond the Bow-street Police Office--he +takes his place amongst the anxious throng, and is at last called into a +room, where two examiners politely request that he will favour them by +sitting down at a table adorned with severe-looking inkstands, long pens, +formal sheets of foolscap, and awfully-sized copies of the light +entertaining works mentioned above. One of the aforesaid examiners then +takes a pinch of snuff, coughs, blows his nose, points out a paragraph for +the student to translate, and leaves him to do it. He has, with a prudent +forethought, stuffed his cribs inside his double-breasted waistcoat, but, +unfortunately, he finds he cannot use them; so when he sticks at a queer +word he writes it on his blotting-paper and shoves it quietly on to the +next man. If his neighbour is a brick, he returns an answer; but if he is +not, our friend is compelled to take shots of the meaning and trust to +chance--a good plan when you are not certain what to do, either at +billiards or Apothecaries' Hall. Should he be fortunate enough to get +through, his schedule is endorsed with some hieroglyphics explanatory of +the auspicious event; and, in gratitude, he asks a few friends to his +lodgings that night, who have legions of sausages for supper, and drink +gin-and-water until three o'clock in the morning. It is not, however, +absolutely necessary that a man should go up himself to pass his Latin. We +knew a student once who, by a little judicious change of appearance--first +letting his hair grow very long, and then cutting it quite short--at one +time patronizing whiskers, and at another shaving himself perfectly +clean--now wearing spectacles, and now speaking through his nose--being, +withal, an excellent scholar, passed a Latin examination for half the men +in the hospital he belonged to, receiving from them, when he had +succeeded, the fee which, in most cases, they would have paid a private +teacher for preparing them. + +The medical student does not like dining alone; he is gregarious, and +attaches himself to some dining-rooms in the vicinity of his school, +where, in addition to the usual journals, they take in the Lancet and +Medical Gazette for his express reading. He is here the customer most +looked up to by the proprietor, and is also on excellent terms with +"Harriet," who confidentially tells him that the boiled beef is just up; +indeed, he has been seen now and then to put his arm round her waist and +ask her when she meant to marry him, which question Harriet is not very +well prepared to answer, as all the second season men have proposed to her +successively, and each stands equally well in her estimation, which is +kept up at the rate of a penny _per diem_. But Harriet is not the only +waiting domestic with whom he is upon friendly terms. The Toms, Charleses, +and Henrys of the supper-taverns enjoy equal familiarity; and when Nancy, +at Knight's, brings him oysters for two and asks him for the money to get +the stout, he throws down the shilling with an expression of endearment +that plainly intimates he does not mean to take back the fourpence change +out of the pot. Should he, however, in the course of his wanderings, go +into a strange eating-house, where he is not known, and consequently is +not paid becoming attention, his revenge is called into play, and he +gratifies it by the simple act of pouring the vinegar into the +pepper-castor, and emptying the contents of the salt-cellar into the +water-bottle before he gets up to walk away. + + * * * * * + + +EXPRESS FROM AMERICA. + +We are authorised to state there is a man in New Orleans so exceedingly +bright, that he uses the palm of his hand for a looking-glass. + + * * * * * + + +POLITICS OF THE OUTWARD MAN! + +Wisdom is to be purchased only of the tailor. Morality is synonymous with +millinery; whilst Truth herself--pictured by the poetry of the olden day +in angelic nakedness--must now be full-dressed, like a young lady at a +royal drawing-room, to be considered presentable. You may believe that a +man with a gash in his heart may still walk, talk, pay taxes, and perform +all the other duties of a highly civilised citizen; but to believe that +the same man with a hole in his coat can discourse like a reasoning +animal, is to be profoundly ignorant of those sympathetic subtleties +existing between a man's brain and a man's broad-cloth. Party politics +have developed this profound truth--the divine reason of the immortal +creature escapes through ragged raiment; a fractured skull is not so fatal +to the powers of ratiocination as a rent in the nether garments. GOD'S +image loses the divine lustre of its origin with its nap of super-Saxony. +The sinful lapse of ADAM has thrown all his unfortunate children upon the +mercies of the tailor; and that mortal shows least of the original stain +who wraps about it the richest purple and the finest linen. Hence, if you +would know the value of a man's heart, look at his waistcoat. + +Philosophers and anatomists have quarrelled for centuries as to the +residence of the soul. Some have vowed that it lived here--some there; +some that, like a gentleman with several writs in pursuit of him, it +continually changed its lodgings; whilst others have lustily sworn that +the soul was a vagrant, with no claim to any place of settlement whatever. +Nevertheless, a vulgar notion has obtained that the soul dwelt on a little +knob of the brain; and that there, like a vainglorious bantam-cock on a +dunghill, it now claps its wings and crows all sorts of triumph--and now, +silent and scratching, it thinks of nought but wheat and barley. The first +step to knowledge is to confess to a late ignorance. We avow, then, our +late benighted condition. We were of the number of sciolists who lodged +the soul in the head of man: we are now convinced that the true dwelling +place of the soul is in the head's antipodes. Let SOLOMON himself return +to the earth, and hold forth at a political meeting; SOLOMON himself would +be hooted, laughed at, voted an ass, a nincompoop, if SOLOMON spoke from +the platform with a hole in his breeches! + +PLATO doubtless thought that he had imagined a magnificent theory, when he +averred that every man had within him a spark of the divine flame. But, +silly PLATO! he never considered how easily this spark might be blown out. +At this moment, how many Englishmen are walking about the land utterly +extinguished! Had men been made on the principle of the safety-lamp, they +might have defied the foul breath of the world's opinion--but, alas! what +a tender, thin-skinned, shivering thing is man! His covering--the livery +of original sin, bought with the pilfered apples--is worn into a hole, and +Opinion, that sour-breathed hag, claps her blue lips to the broken web, +gives a puff, and--out goes man's immortal spark! From this moment the +creature is but a carcase: he can eat and drink (when lucky enough to be +able to try the experiment), talk, walk, and no more; yes, we forgot--he +can work; he still keeps precedence of the ape in the scale of +creation--for he can work for those who, thickly clothed, and buttoned to +the throat, have no rent in their purple, no stitch dropped in their +superfine, to expose their precious souls to an annihilating gust, and who +therefore keep their immortal sparks like tapers in burglars' +dark-lanthorns, whereby to rob and spoil with greater certainty! + +Gentle reader, think you this a fantastic chapter on holes? If so, then of +a surety you do not read those instructive annals of your country penned +by many a TACITUS of the daily press--by many a profound historian who +unites to the lighter graces of stenography the enduring loveliness of +philosophy. + +Some days since a meeting was held in the parish of Saint Pancras of the +"Young Men's Anti-Monopoly Association." The place of gathering, says the +reporter, was "a ruined _penny_ theatre!" It is evident in the brain of +the writer that the small price at which the theatre was ruined made its +infamy: to be blighted for a penny was the shame. Drury Lane and Covent +Garden have been ruined over and over again--but then their ruin, like +PHRYNE'S, has ever been at a large price of admission; hence, like court +harlots, their ruin has been dignified by high remuneration. What, +however, could be expected from a theatre that, with inconceivable +wickedness, suffered itself to be undone for a penny? Let the reporter +answer:-- + + "---- FORSTER, Esq., advanced, and, assuming _a teapot position_ + on the stage, moved the first resolution, to the effect 'That the + bread-tax was the cause of all distress, and that they should use + their strenuous efforts to remove it.' 'Ladies (there was one old + woman _in a shocking bad black and white straw bonnet present_) + and gentlemen (said he), this is a public meeting to all intents + and purposes.'" + +For ourselves we care not for an orator's standing like a teapot, if what +he pours out be something better than mere hot-water or dead small beer. +If, however, we were to typify orators in delf, there are many Tory +talkers whom we would associate with more ignominious shapes of crockery +than that of a teapot--senators who are taken by the handle, and by their +party used for the dirtiest offices. + +We now come to the bad old woman whose excess of iniquity was blazoned in +her "bad black and white straw bonnet." This woman might have been an +ASPASIA, a DE STAEL, a Mrs. SOMERVILLE,--nay, the SYBILLA CUMEA herself. +What of that? The "bad" bonnet must sink the large souled Grecian to a +cinder-wench, make the Frenchwoman a trapes from the Palais Royal, our +fair astronomer a gipsy of Greenwich Park, and the fate-foretelling sybil +a crone crawled from the worst garret of Battle-bridge. The head is +nothing; the bonnet's all. Think you that Mrs. Somerville could have +studied herself into reputation, that the moon and stars would have +condescended to smile upon her, if she had not attended their evening +parties in a handsome turban, duly plumed and jewelled? + +Come we now to the next recorded atrocity:-- + + "There jumped now upon the stage _a red-haired, laughing-hyena + faced, fustian-coated biped_, exclaiming--'My name is Wall! I have + a substantive amendment to move to the resolution now + proposed--('Go off, off! ooh, ooh, ooh! turn him out, out, out!') + We are met in a place where religion is taught (groans). Well, + then, we are met where they "teach the young idea how to + shoot"'--(laughter, groans, and 'Go on, Wall.') Turning to the + young _gents_ on the platform, 'You,' quoth Mr. Wall, 'have not + read history: you clerks at 16s. a week, with your gold chains and + pins.'" + +Red hair was first made infamous by JUDAS ISCARIOT; hence the reporter not +only shows the intensity of his Christianity, but his delicate knowledge +of human character, by the fine contempt cast upon the felon locks of the +speaker. Red hair is doubtless the brand of Providence; the mark set upon +guilty man to give note and warning to his unsuspicious fellow-creatures. +Like the scarlet light at the North Foreland, it speaks of shoals, and +sands, and flats. The emperor Commodus, who had all his previous life +rejoiced in flaxen locks, woke, the morning after his first contest in the +arena, a red-haired man! But then, with a fine knowledge of the wholesome +prejudices of the world, he turned the curse upon his head into a beauty; +for he--powdered it with gold-dust. Could Mr. WALL, of the penny theatre, +induce the Master of the Mint to play his _coiffeur_, how would the +reporter fall on his knees and worship the divinity! + +Mr. WALL, being of the opposite faction, in addition to the unpowdered +ignominy of his hair, has also the face of a hyena! This fact opens a +question too vast for our one solitary page. We lack at least the +amplitude of a quarto to prove that all men are fashioned, even in the +womb, with features that shall hereafter beautifully harmonise with the +politics of the grown creature. Now WALL, being ordained a poor man and a +Chartist, is endowed with a "laughing hyena" countenance. He even loses +the vantage ground of our common humanity, and is sunk by his poverty and +his politics to the condition of a beast, and of a most unamiable beast +into the bargain. However, the vast enfolding iniquity is yet to be +displayed and duly shuddered at; for _WALL_, the biped hyena, wears--a +fustian coat! + +As journalists, we trust we have our common share--which is no little--of +human vanity. Nevertheless, with the highest private opinion of our own +powers, we feel we can add nothing to the picture drawn by the reporter. +The fustian coat, with a tongue in every button-hole, discourses on its +own inwoven infamy. + +We recognise with great pleasure a growing custom on the part of political +reporters to merge the orators and listeners at public meetings in their +several articles of dress. This practice has doubtless originated in a +most philosophical consideration of the sympathies between the outer and +the inner man, and has its source in the earliest records of human life. +The patriarchs rent their garments in token of the misery that lacerated +their souls: then rags and tatters were ennobled by sorrow--there was a +deep sentiment in sackcloth and ashes. We have, however, improved upon the +ignorance of primitive days; and though we still admit the covering of man +to be typical of his condition of mind, we wisely keep our respect for +super-Saxony, and expend contempt and ridicule on corduroy and fustian. We +yet hope to see the day when certain political meetings will be briefly +reported as follow:-- + + "Faded Blue Coat, with tarnished Brass Buttons, took the chair. + + "Velveteen Jacket moved the first resolution, which was seconded + by Check Shirt and Ankle-jacks. + + "Brown Great Coat, with holes in elbows, moved the second + resolution--seconded by Greasy Drab Breeches and Dirty Leather + Gaiters. + + "After thanks to Blue Coat had been moved by Brown Surtout and + Crack under both Arms, the Fustian Jackets departed." + +Would not this be quite sufficient? Knowing the philosophy of appearance +in England, might we not by our imagination supply a truer speech to every +orator than could be taken down by the most faithful reporter? + +Q. + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH'S PENCILLINGS.--No. XVI. + +[Illustration: THE NEW PARLIAMENTARY MASONS. + +"WE HAVE A PLAN, WHICH, FROM ITS ORIGINALITY, SHOULD DRAW DOWN UPON US THE +GRATITUDE OF THE NATION.... WE PROPOSE THAT, DURING THE PROROGATION, AT +LEAST, MEMBERS OF PARLIAMENT, SHOULD, LIKE BEAVERS, BUILD THEIR OWN +HOUSES." + +_Vide_ PUNCH, _No. 14, page 162_.] + + * * * * * + + +LIST OF THE PREMIUMS + +AWARDED BY THE + +HOOKHAM-CUM-SNIVEY LITERARY AND SCIENTIFIC SOCIETY, + +FOR THE YEAR 1841. + + +FIRST PREMIUM. + +MANAGEMENT OF LANDED PROPERTY. + +To Count D'Orsay, for the most approved Essay on Cultivating a Flower Pot, +and the Expediency of growing Mignionette in preference to Sweet Pea on +the Window-sills-- + + _The Pasteboard Medal of the Society._ + + +SECOND PREMIUM. + +METHOD OF GROWING PERMANENT WHISKERS. + +To Colonel Sibthorp, for a Report of several successful Experiments in +laying down his own Cheeks for a permanent growth of Whisker, with a +description of the most approved Hair-fence worn on the Chin, and the +exact colour adapted to all seasons-- + + _The Pasteboard Medal and a Bottle of Balm of Columbia._ + + +THIRD PREMIUM. + +IMPROVING THE CONDITION OF THE POOR, BY INVENTING A VALUABLE SUBSTITUTE +FOR MEAT, BREAD, VEGETABLES, AND OTHER MASTICATORY ALIMENT. + +To the Poor-Law Commissioners, for their valuable Essay on Cheap Feeding, +and an Account of several Experiments made in the Unions throughout the +Kingdom; by which they have satisfactorily demonstrated that a man may +exist on stewed chips and sawdust--also for their original receipt for +making light, cheap workhouse soup, with a gallon of water and a +gooseberry-- + + _The Pasteboard Medal and a Mendicity Ticket._ + + +FOURTH PREMIUM. + +QUANTITY OF BRAINS REQUIRED TO MAKE A MEMBER OF PARLIAMENT. + +To Peter Borthwick, for his ingenious Treatise, proving logically that a +Member requires no Brains, instancing his own case, where the deficiency +was supplied by the length of his ears-- + + _The Pewter Medal, and a Copy of Enfield's Speaker._ + + +FIFTH PREMIUM. + +AMOUNT OF CASH REQUIRED BY A GENTLEMAN TO KEEP A WALKING-STICK, A PAIR OF +MOUSTACHES, AND A CIGAR. + +To the Society of Law Clerks, for the best Account of how Fifteen +Shillings a week may be managed, to enable the Possessor to "draw it +rather brisk" after office-hours in Regent-street, including board and +lodging for his switch and spurs, and Warren's jet for his Wellingtons-- + + _The Tin Medal and a Penny Cuba._ + + +SIXTH PREMIUM. + +FATTENING ALDERMEN. + +To Sir Peter Laurie, for a Bill of Fare of the various viands demolished +at the Lord Mayors' Dinners for the last ten years--also, for an account +of certain experiments made to ascertain the contents of the Board of +Aldermen at City Feasts, by the application of a new regulating-belt, +called the Gastronometer-- + + _A German Silver Medal and a Gravy Spoon._ + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH'S REVIEW. + +THE MEMOIRS OF MADAME LAFFARGE. + + The title, I think, will strike. The fashion, you know, now, is to + do away with old prejudices, and to rescue certain characters from + the illiberal odium with which custom has marked them. Thus we + have a generous Israelite, an amiable cynic, and so on. Now, Sir, + I call my play--_The Humane Footpad_.--SYLVESTER DAGGERWOOD. + + +Some four or five seasons since, the eccentric Buckstone produced a +three-act farce, which, by dint of its after title--_The School for +Sympathy_--and of much highly comic woe, exhibited in the acting of Farren +and Nisbett, was presented to uproariously-affected audiences during some +score nights. The hinge of the mirth was made to turn upon the +irresistible drollery of one man's running away with another man's wife, +and the outrageous fun of the consequent suicide of the injured husband; +the _bons mots_ being most tragically humorous, and the aphorisms of the +several characters facetiously concatenative of the nouns contained in the +leading name of the piece--"_Love_ and _Murder_." + +Now this was a magnificent idea--one of those brilliant efforts which +cannot but tend to lift the theatre in the estimation of every man of +delicacy and education. A new source of attraction was at once +discovered,--a vast fund of available fuel was suddenly found to recruit +the cinerulent embers of the drama withal. It became evident that, after +Joe Miller, the ordinary of Newgate was the funniest dog in the world. +Manslaughter, arson, and the more practical jokes in the Calendar, were +already familiar to the stage; it was a refinement of the Haymarket +authors to introduce those livelier sallies of wit--crim. con. and +felo-de-se. The "immense coalitions" of all manner of crimes and vices in +the subsequent "highway school"--the gradual development of every +unnatural tendency in the youthful Jack Sheppard (another immor-t-al work +by the author of the afore-lauded comedy)--the celebration, by a classic +chaunt, of his reaching the pinnacle of depravity; this was the _ne plus +ultra_ of dramatic invention. Robbers and murderers began to be treated, +after the Catholic fashion, with extreme unction; audiences were +intoxicated with the new drop; sympathy became epidemic; everybody was +bewildered and improved; and nobody went and threw themselves off the +Monument with a copy of the baleful drama in his pocket! + +But the magnificence of the discovery was too large to be grasped by even +the gluttonous eye of the managers, The Adelphi might overflow--the Surrey +might quake with reiterated "pitsfull"--still there remained over and +above the feast-crumbs sufficient for the battenings of other than +theatrical appetites. Immediately the press-gang--we beg pardon, the +_press_--arose, and with a mighty throe spawned many monsters. Great +drama! _Greater Press!_ GREATEST PUBLIC! + +Now this was all excellent well as far as it went; but still there was +something wanted of more reality than the improvisations of a romancist. +Ainsworth might dip his pen in the grossest epithets; Boz might dabble in +the mysterious dens of Hebrew iniquity; even Bulwer might hash up to us +his recollections of St. Giles's dialogue; and yet it was evident that +they were all the while only "shamming"--only cooking up some dainty dish +according to a _recipe_, or, as it is still frequently pronounced, a +_receipt_,--which last, with such writers, will ever be the guide-post of +their track. + +But something more was wanted; and here it is--here, in the Memoirs of +Marie Cappelle. + +This lady, perhaps the most remarkable woman of her age, has published a +book--half farce, half novel--in which she treats by turns with the +clap-trap agony of a Bulwer, the quaint sneer of a Dickens, and the +effrontery of an Ainsworth, that serious charge which employed the careful +investigation of the most experienced men in France for many weeks, and +which excited a degree of interest in domestic England almost unexampled +in the history of foreign trials. This work is published by a gentleman +who calls himself "Publisher in ordinary to her Majesty," and may be +procured at any book-seller's by all such as have a guinea and a day's +leisure at the mercy of the literary charlatan who contrived it. + +In the strictest confidence we would suggest, that if a treaty could be +ratified with Madame Marie Cappelle Laffarge, we do not doubt that our +nursery--yea, our laundry--maids would learn to spell the precious +sentences, to their own great edification and that of the children placed +under their charge. + + * * * * * + + +OUR TRADE REPORT. + +Coals are a shade blacker than they were last week, but not quite so +heavy; and turnips are much lighter than they have been known for a very +considerable period. + +Great complaints are made of the ticketing system; and persons going to +purchase shawls, as they supposed, at nine-pence three-farthings each, are +disgusted at being referred to a very small one pound sixteen marked very +lightly in pencil immediately before the 9-3/4d., which is very large and +in very black ink. There were several transactions of this kind during the +whole morning. + +The depressed state of the Gossamer-market has long been a subject of +conversation among the four-and-niners who frequent the cheap coffee-shops +in the City; but no one knows the cause of what has taken place, nor can +they exactly state what the occurrence is that they are so loudly +complaining of. + +Bones continue to fetch a penny for two pounds; but great murmurs are +heard of the difficulty of making up a pound equal to the very liberal +weights which the marine-store keepers use when making their _purchases_; +they, however, make up for it by using much lighter weights when they +sell, which is so far fair and satisfactory. + +The arrivals in baked potatoes have been very numerous; fifty cans were +entered outwards on Saturday. + + * * * * * + + +RELATIVE GENTILITY. + +Two ladies of St. Giles's disputing lately on the respectability of each +other's family, concluded the debate in the following way:--"Mrs. Doyle, +ma'am, I'd have you know that I've an uncle a _bannister_ of the law." +"Much about your _bannister_," retorted Mrs. Doyle; "haven't I a first +cousin a _corridor_ in the navy?" + + * * * * * + + +KEEPING IT DARK. + +Jim Bones, a free nigger of New York, has a child so exceedingly dark that +he cannot be seen on the lightest day. + + * * * * * + + +THE GENTLEMAN'S OWN BOOK. + +REVENONS A NOS MOUTONS--i.e. (for the benefit of country members) to +return to our mutton, or rather the "trimmings." The ornaments which +notify the pecuniary superiority of the wearer include chains, rings, +studs, canes, watches, and purses. _Chains_ should be of gold, and cannot +be too ostentatiously displayed; for a proper disposition of these +"braveries" is sure to induce the utmost confidence in the highly useful +occupants of Pigot's and Robson's Directory. We have seen some waistcoats +so elaborately festooned, that we would stake our inkstand that the most +unbelieving money-lender would have taken the personal security of the +wearer without hesitation. The perfection to which mosaic-work has arrived +may possibly hold out a strong temptation to the thoughtless to substitute +the shadow for the reality. Do not deceive yourself; an experienced eye +will instantly detect the imposition, though your ornaments may be + +[Illustration: FRESH EVERY DAY;] + +for, we will defy any true gentleman to preserve an equanimity of +expression under the hint--either visual or verbal--that (to use the +language of the poet) you are "a man of brass." + +We have a faint recollection of a class of gentlemen who used to attach an +heterogeneal collection of massive seals and keys to one end of a chain, +and a small church-clock to the other. The chain then formed a pendulum in +front of their small-clothes, and the dignified oscillation of the +appendages was considered to distinguish the gentleman. They were also +used as auxiliaries in argument; for whenever an hiatus occurred in the +discussion, the speaker, by having resort to his watch-chain, could +frequently confound his adversary by commencing a series of rapid +gyrations. But the fashion has descended to merchants, lawyers, doctors, +_et sui generis_, who never drive bargains, ruin debtors, kill patients, +_et cetera_, without having recourse to this imposing decoration. + +_Rings_ are the next indicators of superfluous cash. As they are _merely +ornamental_, they should resemble vipers, tapeworms, snakes, toads, +monkey's, death's heads, and similar engaging and pleasing subjects. The +more liberally the fingers are enriched, the greater the assurance that +the hand is never employed in any useful labour, and is consequently only +devoted to the minisitration of indulgences, and the exhibition of those +elegant productions which distinguish the highly-civilised gentleman from +the _highly-tattooed_ savage. + +Mourning-rings have an air of extreme respectability; for they are always +suggestive of a legacy, and of the fact that you have been connected with +somebody who was not buried at the expense of the parish. + +_Studs_ should be selected with the greatest possible care, and in our +opinion the small gold ones can only be worn by a perfect gentleman; for +whilst they perform their required office, they do not distract the +attention from the quality and whiteness of your linen. Some that we have +seen were evidently intended for cabinet pictures, rifle targets and +breast-plates. + +_Pins._--These necessary adjuncts to the cravat of a gentleman have +undergone a singular revolution during late years; but we confess we are +admirers of the present fashion, for if it is desirable to indulge in an +ornament, it is equally desirable that everybody should be gratified by +the exhibition thereof. We presume that it is with this commendable +feeling that pins'-heads (whose smallness in former days became a proverb) +should now resemble the apex of a beadle's staff; and, as though to make +"assurance doubly sure," a plurality is absolutely required for the +decoration of a gentleman. In these times, when political partisanship is +so exceedingly violent, why not make the pins indicative of the opinions +of the wearer, as the waistcoat was in the days of Fox. We could suggest +some very appropriate designs; for instance, the heads of Peel and Wakley, +connected by a _very_ slight link--Sibthorp and Peter Borthwick by a +series of long-car rings--Muntz and D'Israeli cut out of very hard wood, +and united by a hair-chain; and many others too numerous to mention. + + * * * * * + + +HAMLET'S SOLILOQUY. + +PARODIED BY A XX TEETOTALLER. + + To drink, or not to drink? That is the question. + Whether 'tis nobler inwardly to suffer + The pangs and twitchings of uneasy stomach, + Or to take brandy-toddy 'gainst the colic, + And by imbibing end it? To drink,--to sleep,-- + To snore;--and, by a snooze, to say we end + The head-ache, and the morning's parching thirst + That drinking's heir to;--'tis a consummation + Devoutly to be wish'd. To drink,--to pay,-- + To pay the waiter's bill?--Ay--there's the rub; + For in that snipe-like bill, a stop may come, + When we would shuffle off our mortal score, + Must give us pause. There's the respect + That makes sobriety of so long date; + For who could bear to hear the glasses ring + In concert clear--the chairman's ready toast-- + The pops of out-drawn corks--the "hip hurrah!" + The eloquence of claret--and the songs, + Which often through the noisy revel break, + When a man--might his quietus make + With a full bottle? Who would sober be, + Or sip weak coffee through the live-long night; + But that the dread of being laid upon + That stretcher by policemen borne, on which + The reveller reclines,--puzzles me much, + And makes me rather tipple ginger beer, + Than fly to brandy, or to-- + [Illustration: --HODGE'S SIN?] + Thus poverty doth make us Temp'rance men. + + * * * * * + + +"TRY OUR BEST SYMPATHY." + +It is a fact, when the deputation of the distressed manufacturers waited +upon Sir Robert Peel to represent to him their destitute condition, that +the Right Honourable Baronet declared he felt the deepest sympathy for +them. This is all very fine--but we fear greatly, if Sir Robert should be +inclined to make a commercial speculation of his _sympathy_, that he would +go into the market with + +[Illustration: A VERY SMALL STOCK-IN(G) TRADE.] + + * * * * * + + +THE MAN OF HABIT. + +I meet with men of this character very frequently, and though I believe +that the stiff formality of the past age was more congenial than the +present to the formation and growth of these peculiar beings, there are +still a sufficient number of the species in existence for the +philosophical cosmopolite to study and comment upon. + +A true specimen of a _man of habit_ should be an old bachelor,--for +matrimony deranges the whole clock-work system upon which he piques +himself. He could never endure to have his breakfast delayed for one +second to indulge "his soul's far dearer part" with a prolonged morning +dream; and he dislikes children, because the noisy urchins make a point of +tormenting him wherever he goes. The Man of Habit has a certain hour for +all the occupations of his life; he allows himself twenty minutes for +shaving and dressing; fifteen for breakfasting, in which time he eats two +slices of toast, drinks two cups of coffee, and swallows two eggs boiled +for two and a half minutes by an infallible chronometer. After breakfast +he reads the newspaper, but lays it down in the very heart and pith of a +clever article on his own side of the question, the moment his time is up. +He has even been known to leave the theatre at the very moment of the +_denouement_ of a deeply-interesting play rather than exceed his limited +hour by five minutes. He will be out of temper all day, if he does not +find his hat on its proper nail and his cane in its allotted corner. He +chooses a particular walk, where he may take his prescribed number of +turns without interruption, for he would prefer suffering a serious +inconvenience rather than be obliged to quicken or slacken his pace to +suit the speed of a friend who might join him. My uncle Simon was a +character of this cast. I could take it on my conscience to assert that, +every night for the forty years preceding his death, he had one foot in +the bed on the first stroke of 11 o'clock, and just as the last chime had +tolled, that he was enveloped in the blankets to his chin. I have known +him discharge a servant because his slippers were placed by his bed-side +for contrary feet; and I have won a wager by betting that he would turn +the corner of a certain street at precisely three minutes before ten in +the morning. My uncle used to frequent a club in the City, of which he had +become the oracle. Precisely at eight o'clock he entered the room--took +his seat in a leather-backed easy chair in a particular corner--read a +certain favourite journal--drank two glasses of rum toddy--smoked four +pipes--and was always in the act of putting his right arm into the sleeve +of his great-coat, to return home, as the clock struck ten. The cause of +my uncle's death was as singular as his life was whimsical. He went one +night to the club, and was surprised to find his seat occupied by a tall +dark-browed man, who smoked a _meerschaum_ of prodigious size in solemn +silence. Numerous hints were thrown out to the stranger that the seat had +by prescriptive right and ancient custom become the property of my uncle; +he either did not or would not understand them, and continued to keep his +possession of the leather-backed chair with the most imperturbable +_sang-froid_. My uncle in despair took another seat, and endeavoured to +appear as if nothing had occurred to disturb him,--but he could not +dissimulate. He was pierced to the heart,--and + +[Illustration: "I SAW THE IRON ENTER HIS SOLE."] + +My uncle left the club half-an-hour before his time; he returned +home--went to bed without winding his watch--and the next morning he was +found lifeless in his bed. + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH'S POLITICAL ECONOMY. + +The subject of political economy is becoming so general a portion of +education, that it will doubtless soon be introduced at the infant schools +among the other eccentric evolutions or playful whirls of _Mr. +Wilder-spin_. At it is the fashion to comprehend nothing, but to have a +smattering of everything, we beg leave to smatter our readers with a very +thin layer of political economy. In the first place, "political" means +"political," and "economy" signifies "economy," at least when taken +separately; but put them together, and they express all kinds of +extravagance. Political economy contemplates the possibility of labouring +without work, eating without food, and living without the means of +subsistence. Social, or individual economy, teaches to live _within_ our +means; political economy calls upon us to live _without_ them. In the +debates, when more than usual time has been wasted in talking the most +_extravagant_ stuff, ten to one that there has been a good deal of +_political economy_. If you bother a poor devil who is dying of want, and +speak to him about _consumption_, it is probably "political economy" that +you will have addressed to him. If you talk to a man sinking with hunger +about _floating_ capital, you will no doubt have given him the benefit of +a few hints in "political economy:" while, if to a wretch in tattered rags +you broach the theory of _rent_, he must be an ungrateful beast indeed if +he does not appreciate the blessings of "political economy." That "labour +is wealth" forms one of the most refreshing axioms of this delicious +science; and if brought to the notice of a man breaking stones on the +road, he would perhaps wonder where his wealth might be while thinking of +his labour, but he could not question your proficiency in "political +economy." In fact, it is the most political and most economical science in +the world, if it can only be made to achieve its object, which is to +persuade the hard-working classes that they are the richest people in the +universe, for their labour gives value, and value gives wealth; but who +gets the value and the wealth is a consideration that does not fall within +the province of "political economy." + +There is another branch of the subject at which we shall merely glance; +but one hint will open up a wide field of observation to the student. The +branch to which we allude is the tremendous extent to which political +economy is carried by those who interfere so much in politics with so very +little political knowledge, and who consequently display a most surprising +share of "political economy," + +As a very little goes a great way, and particularly as the most diminutive +portion of knowledge communicated by ourselves is, like the "one small +pill constituting a dose," much more efficacious than the 40 Number Ones +and 50 Number Twos of the mere quacks, we close for the present our +observations on _Political Economy_. + + * * * * * + + +ON THE KEY-VIVE. + +There can be no doubt as to the _prima facie_ evidence of the hostile +intentions of the destroyed American steamer, with respect to the +disaffected on Navy Island, as, from the acknowledged inquisitiveness of +the gentler sex, there can be no doubt that _Caroline_ would have a +natural predilection for + +[Illustration: PRIVATE (H)EERING.] + + * * * * * + + +LAST NEW SAYINGS. + +_Come, none of your raillery_; as the stage-coach indignantly said to the +steam-engine. + +_That "strain" again_; as the Poor-law Commissioner generously said to the +water-gruel sieve. + +_I paid very dear for my whistle_; as the steam-engine emphatically said +to the railroad. + +_Peel for ever!_ as the church bells joyously said to Conservative hearts. + + * * * * * + + +There is at present a man in New York whose temper is so exceedingly hot +that he invariably reduces all his shirts to tinder. + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH'S THEATRE. + +THE MAID OF HONOUR. + +The Adelphi "Correspondent from Paris" has favoured that Theatre with an +adaptation of Scribe's "_Verre d'Eau_," which he has called "The Maid of +Honour." + +Everybody must remember that, last year, the trifling affair of the +British Government was settled by the far more momentous consideration of +who should be Ladies of the Bed-chamber. The Parisians, seeing the +dramatic capabilities of this incident, put it into a farce, resting the +whole affair upon the shoulders of a former Queen whose Court was +similarly circumstanced. This is the piece which Mr. Yates has had the +daring to get done into English, and transplanted into Spain, and +interspersed with embroidery, confectionary, and a Spanish sentence; the +last judiciously entrusted to that accomplished linguist, Mr. John +Saunders. + +Soon after the rising of the curtain, we behold the figure of Mr. Yates +displayed to great advantage in the dress usually assigned to _Noodle_ and +_Doodle_ in the tragedy of "Tom Thumb." He represents the _Count +Ollivarez_, and the head of a political party--the opposition. The Court +faction having for its chief the _Duchess of Albafurez_, who being +Mistress of the Queen's robes is of course her favourite; for the +millinery department of the country which can boast of a Queen Regnant is +of far higher importance than foreign or financial affairs, justice, +police, or war--consequently, the chief of the wardrobe is far more +exalted and better beloved than a mere Premier or Secretary of State. The +Count is planning an intrigue, the agents of which are to be _Henrico_, a +Court page, and _Felicia_, a court milliner. Not being able to make much +of the page, he turns over a new leaf, and addresses himself to the +dress-maker; so, after a few preliminary hems, he draws out the thread of +his purpose to her, and cuts out an excellent pattern for her guidance, +which if she implicitly follow will assuredly make her a Maid of Honour. + +A comedy without mystery is Punch without a joke; Yates without a speech +to the audience on a first night; or Bartley's pathos without a +pocket-handkerchief. The Court page soon opens the book of _imbroglio_. He +is made a Captain of the Queen's Guard by some unknown hand; he has always +been protected by the same unseen benefactor, who, as if to guard him from +every ill that flesh is heir to, showers on him his or her favours upon +condition that he never marries! "Happy man," exclaims the Count. "Not at +all," answers the other, "I am in love with _Felicia_!" Nobody is +surprised at this, for it is a rule amongst dramatists never to forbid the +banns until the banned, poor devil, is on the steps of the altar. +_Henrico_, now a Captain, goes off to flesh his sword; meets with an +insult, and by the greatest good luck kills his antagonist in the +precincts of the palace; so that if he be not hanged for murder, his +fortune is made. The victim is the Count's cousin, to whom he is next of +kin. "Good Heavens!" ejaculates _Ollivarez_, "You have made yourself a +criminal, and me--a Duke! Horrible!" + +By the way, this same _Henrico_, as performed by that excellent swimmer +(in the water-piece), Mr. Spencer Forde, forms a very entertaining +character. His imperturbable calmness while uttering the heart-stirring +words, assigned by the author to his own description of the late +affair-of-honourable assassination, was highly edifying to the philosophic +mind. The pleasing and amiable tones in which he stated how irretrievably +he was ruined, the dulcet sweetness of the farewell to his heart's adored, +the mathematical exactitude of his position while embracing her, the cool +deliberation which marked his exit--offered a picture of calm stoicism +just on the point of tumbling over the precipice of destruction not to be +equalled--not, at least, since those halcyon dramatic days when +Osbaldiston leased Covent Garden, and played _Pierre_. + +Somehow or other--for one must not be too particular about the wherefores +of stage political intrigues--_Felicia_ is promoted from the office of +making dresses for the Queen to that of putting them on. Behold her a maid +of honour and of all-work; for the Queen takes her into her confidence, +and in that case people at Court have an immense variety of duties to +perform. The Duchess's place is fast becoming a sinecure, and she trembles +for her influence--perhaps, in case of dismissal, for her next quarter's +salary to boot--so she shakes in her shoes. + +It is at this stage of the plot that we perceive why the part of _Henrico_ +was entrusted to the gentleman who plays it,--the mystery we have alluded +to being by this arrangement very considerably increased; for we now learn +that no fewer than three ladies in the piece are in love with him, namely, +_Felicia_, the Queen, and the Duchess. Now the most penetrating auditor +would never, until actually informed of the fact, for a moment suspect a +Queen, or even a Duchess, of such bad taste; for, as far as our experience +goes, we have generally found that women do not cast their affections to +men who are sheepish, insensible, cold, ungainly, with small voices, and +not more than five feet high. Surprise artfully excited and cleverly +satisfied is the grand aim of the dramatist. How completely is it here +fulfilled! for when we discover that the personator of Henrico is meant +for an Adonis, we _are_ astonished. + +The truth is then, that the secret benefactor of this supposed-to-be +irresistible youth has always been the _Duchess Albafurez_, who, learning +from _Ollivarez_ that her pet has new claims upon her heart for having +killed her friend the Duke, determines to assist him to escape, which +however is not at all necessary, for Ollivarez is entrusted with the +warrant for apprehending the person or persons unknown who did the murder. +But could he injure the man who has made him a Duke by a lucky +_coup-d'epee_? No, no. Let him cross the frontier; and, when he is out of +reach, what thundering denunciations will not the possessor of the dukedom +fulminate against the killer of his cousin! It is shocking to perceive how +intimately acquainted old Scribe must be with manners, customs, and +feelings, as they exist at Court. + +The necessary passports are placed before the Queen for her signature +(perhaps her Spanish Majesty can't afford clerks); but when she perceives +whom they threaten to banish from behind her chair, she declines honouring +them with her autograph. The Duchess thus learns her secret. "She, too, +love Henrico? Well I never!" About this time a tornado of jealousy may be +expected; but court etiquette prevents it from bursting; and the Duchess +reserves her revenge, the Queen sits down to her embroidery frame, and one +is puzzled to know what is coming next. + +This puzzle was not on Monday night long in being resolved. _Ollivarez_ +entered, and a child in the gallery commenced crying with that persevering +quality of tone which threatens long endurance. Mr. Yates could not resist +the temptation; and Ollivarez, the newly-created Duke of Medina, promised +the baby a free admission for four, any other night, if it would only +vacate the gallery just then. These terms having been assented to by a +final screech, the infant left the gallery. After an instant's +pause--during which the Manager tapped his forehead, as much as to say, +"Where did I leave off?"--the piece went on. + +We had no idea till last night how difficult it was for a Queen to indulge +in a bit of flirtation! A most elaborate intrigue is, it seems, necessary +to procure for her a tender interview with her innamorato. A plan was +invented, whose intricacy would have bothered the inventor of +spinning-jennies, whereby _Henrico_ was to be closeted with her most +Christian Majesty,--its grand accomplishment to take place when the Queen +called for a glass of ice (the original _Scribe_ wrote "water," but the +Adelphi adapter thought ice would be more natural, for fear the piece +should run till Christmas). The Duchess overhears the entire plot, but +fails in frustrating it. Hence we find _Henrico, Felicia_, and the Queen +together, going through a well-contrived and charmingly-conducted scene of +equivoque--the Queen questioning _Henrico_ touching the state of his +heart, and he answering her in reference to _Felicia_, who is leaning over +the embroidery frame behind the Queen, and out of her sight. + +This felicitous situation is interrupted by the spiteful Duchess; the +lover escapes behind the window curtains to avoid scandal--is discovered, +and his sovereign's reputation is only saved by the declaration of +Felicia, that the Captain is there on _her_ account. Ollivarez asserts +that they are married, to clench the fib--the Queen sees her folly--the +Duchess is disgraced--all the characters stand in the well-defined +semicircle which is the stage method of writing the word "finis"--Mrs. +Yates speaks a very neat and pointed "tag"--and that's all. + +For this two-act Comidetta, dear Yates, we pronounce absolution and +remission of thy sins, so wickedly committed in the washy melo-drama, and +cackling vaudeville, thou hast recently affronted common-sense withal! +Thine own acting as the courtier was natural, except when thou didst +interpolate the dialogue with the baby--a crying sin, believe us. Else, +thy bows were graceful; and thy shoulder-shrugs--are they not chronicled +in the mind's eye of thy most distant admirers? The little touches of +humour that shone forth in the dialogue assigned to thee, were not +exaggerated by the too-oft-indulged-in grimaces--in short, despite thy too +monstrous _chapeau-bras_--which was big enough for a life-boat--thou +lookedst like a Duke, a gentleman, and what in truth thou really art--an +indefatigable _intriguant_. Thy favoured help-mate, too, gave a reality to +the scene by her captivating union of queenly dignity and feminine +tenderness. But most especially fortunate art thou in thy Felicia. Alas +for our hunch and our hatchet nose! but O, alas! and alas! that we have a +Judy! for never did we regret all three so deeply as while Miss Ellen +Chaplin was on the stage. In our favourite scene with the Queen and her +lover, how graceful and expressive were her dumb answers to what ought to +have been Henrico's eloquent declarations, spoken _through_ the Queen. We +charge thee, dear friend, to "call" her on Monday morning at eleven, and +to rehearse unto her what we are going to say. Tell her that as she is +young, a bright career is before her if she will not fall into the sin of +copying some other favourite actress--say, for instance, Mrs. +Yates--instead of our arch-mistress, Nature; say, moreover, that at the +same time, she must be unwearying in acquiring _art_; lastly, inform her, +that Punch has his eye upon her, and will scold her if she become a +backslider and an imitator of other people's faults. + +As to poor Mr. _Spencer_ Forde, he, too, is young; and you do wrong, O +Yates! in giving him a part he will be unequal to till he grows big enough +for a coat. A smaller part would, we doubt not, suit him excellently. + +Lastly, give our best compliments to Mrs. Fosbroke, to the illustrious Mr. +Freeborn, to Mr. John Saunders, and our especial commendations to thy +scene-painter, thy upholsterer, and the gentleman lamp-lighter thou art so +justly proud of; for each did his and her best to add a charm to "The Maid +of Honour." + + * * * * * + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +1, October 30, 1841, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14934.txt or 14934.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/9/3/14934/ + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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