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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1,
+October 30, 1841, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, October 30, 1841
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14934]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 1.
+
+
+
+FOR THE WEEK ENDING OCTOBER 30, 1841.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE GREAT CREATURE.
+
+That "great creature," like some other "great creatures," happened, as
+almanacs say, "about this time" to be somewhat "out at elbows;"--not in
+the way of costume, for the very plenitude of his wardrobe was the cause
+which produced this effect, inasmuch as the word "received" in the
+veritable autograph of Messrs. Moleskin and Corderoy could nowhere be
+discovered annexed to the bills thereof: a slight upon their powers of
+penmanship which roused their individual, collective, and coparcenary ires
+to such a pitch, that they, Messrs. Moleskin and Corderoy, through the
+medium of their Attorneys-at-law, Messrs. Gallowsworthy and Pickles, of
+Furnival's Inn, forwarded a writ to the unfortunate Hannibal Fitzflummery
+Fitzflam,--the which writ in process of time, being the legal seed, became
+ripened into a very vigorous execution, and was consigned to the care of a
+gentleman holding a _Civil_ employment with a _Military_ title, viz. that
+of "_Officer_" to the Sheriff of Middlesex, with strict injunctions to the
+said--anything but _Civil_ or _Military_--nondescript "officer," to secure
+and keep the person of Hannibal Fitzflummery Fitzflam till such time as
+the debt due to Messrs. Moleskin and Corderoy, and the legal charges of
+Messrs. Gallowsworthy and Pickles, should be discharged, defrayed, and
+liquidated.
+
+Frequent were the meetings of Messrs. Gallowsworthy and Pickles and their
+man-trap, and as frequent their disappointments:--Fitzflam always gave
+them the double! Having procured leave of absence from the Town Managers,
+and finding the place rather too hot to hold him, he departed for the
+country, and, as fate would have it, arrived at the inn then occupied by
+Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk.
+
+In this out-of-the-way place he fondly imagined he had never been heard
+of. Judge then of his surprise, after his dinner and pint of wine, at the
+following information.
+
+_Fitz._ "Waiter."
+
+"Yes, sar."
+
+"Who have you in the house?"
+
+"Fust of company, sar;--alwaist, sar."
+
+"Oh! of course;--any one in particular?"
+
+"Yes, sar, very particular: one gentleman very particular, indeed. Has his
+bed warmed with brown sugar in the pan, and drinks asses' milk, sar, for
+breakfast!"
+
+"Strange fellow! but I mean any one of name?"
+
+"Yes, sar, a German, sar; with a name so long, sar, it take all the indoor
+servants and a stable-helper to call him up of a morning."
+
+"You don't understand me. Have you any public people here?"
+
+"Yes, sar--great man from town, sar--belongs to the Theatre--Mr. Fitzflam,
+sar--quite the gentleman, sar."
+
+"Thank you for the compliment" (_bowing low_).
+
+"No compliment at all, sar; would you like to see him, sar?--sell you a
+ticket, sar; or buy one of you, sar."
+
+"What?"
+
+"House expected to be full, sar--sure to sell it again, sar."
+
+"What the devil are you talking about?"
+
+"The play, sar--Fitzflam, sar!--there's the bill, sar, and (_bell rings_)
+there's the bell, sar. Coming." (_Exit Waiter_.)
+
+The first thing that suggested itself to the mind of Mr. Hannibal
+Fitzflummery Fitzflam was the absolute necessity of insisting upon that
+insane waiter's submitting to the total loss of his well-greased locks,
+and enveloping his outward man in an extra-strong strait-waistcoat; the
+next was to look at the bill, and there he saw--"horror of horrors!"--the
+name, "the bright ancestral name"--the name he bore, bursting forth in all
+the reckless impudence of the largest type and the reddest vermilion!
+
+Anger, rage, and indignation, like so many candidates for the exalted
+mutton on a greased pole, rushed tumultuously over each other's heads,
+each anxious to gain the "ascendant" in the bosom of Mr. Hannibal
+Fitzflummery Fitzflam. To reduce a six-and-ninepenny gossamer to the
+fac-simile of a bereaved muffin in mourning by one vigorous blow wherewith
+he secured it on his head, grasp his ample cane and three half-sucked
+oranges (in case it should come to pelting), and rush to the theatre, was
+the work of just twelve minutes and a half. In another brief moment,
+payment having been tendered and accepted, Fitzflam was in the boxes,
+ready to expose the swindle and the swindler!
+
+The first act was over, and the audience were discussing the merits of the
+supposed Roscius.
+
+"He _is_ a sweet young man," said a simpering damsel to a red-headed
+Lothario, with just brains enough to be jealous, and spirit enough to damn
+the player.
+
+"I don't see it," responded he of the Rufusian locks.
+
+"Such _dear_ legs!"
+
+"_Dear_ legs--_duck_ legs you mean, miss!"
+
+"And _such_ a voice!"
+
+"Voice! I'll holler with him for all he's worth."
+
+"Ha' done, do!"
+
+"I shan't: Fitzflam's--an--umbug!"
+
+"Sir!" exclaimed Hannibal Fitzflummery Fitz of "that ilk."
+
+"And Sir to you!" retorted "the child of earth with the golden hair."
+
+"I suppose I'm a right to speak my mind of that or any other chap I pays
+to laugh at!"
+
+"It's a tragedy, James."
+
+"All the funnier when sich as him comes to play in them."
+
+"Hush! the curtain's up."--So it was; and "Bravo! bravo!" shouted the
+ladies, and "Hurrah!" shouted the gentlemen. Never had Mr. Hannibal
+Fitzflummery Fitzflam seen such wretched acting, or heard such
+enthusiastic applause. Round followed round, until, worked up to frenzy at
+the libel upon his name, and, as he thought, his art, he vociferously
+exclaimed, "Ladies and gentlemen, that man's a d--d impostor! ("Turn him
+out! throw him over! break his neck!" shouted the gods. "Shame shame!"
+called the boxes. "You're drunk," exclaimed the pit to a man.) I repeat
+that man is--("_Take that_!"--an apple in Fitzflam's eye.) I say he is
+another ("There it is!"--in his other eye) person
+altogether--a--("Boxkeeper!") Nothing of the sort; a--("Constable!") I'll
+take--("Take that fellow out!") Allow me to be--("Off! off!") I
+am--("'Out! out!") Let me request.--("Order! order!--hiss! hiss!--oh!
+oh!--ah! ah!--phit! phit!--Booh!--booh!--wooh!--oh!--ah!")"
+
+Here Mr. Fitzfunk came forward, and commenced bowing like a mandarin,
+while the gentleman who had blacked Fitzflam's eye desisted from forcing
+him out of the box, to hear the "great creature" speak. Fitzfunk
+commenced, "Ahem--Ladies and gentlemen, surrounded as I am by all sorts
+of--(Bravos from all parts of the house.) Friends! Friends in the
+boxes!--("Bravo!" from boxes, with violent waving of handkerchiefs.)
+Friends in the pit!--("Hurrah!" and sundry excited hats performing
+extraordinary aerial gyrations.) And last, not least in my dear love,
+friends in the gallery!--(Raptures of applause; five minutes' whistling;
+three chandeliers and two heads broken; and the owners of seventeen corns
+_stamped_ up to frenzy!) Need I fear the malice of an individual? ("Never!
+never!" from all parts of the house.) Could I deceive you, an enlightened
+public? ("No! no! impossible! all fudge!") Would I attempt such a thing?
+("No! no! by no manner of means!") I am, ladies and gentlemen--("Fitzflam!
+Fitzflam!") I bow to your judgment. I have witnesses; shall I produce
+them?" "No," said two of his most enthusiastic supporters, scrambling out
+of the pit, and getting on the stage; "Don't trouble yourself; we know
+you; (_Omnes_. "Hurrah!" To Fitzflam in boxes--"Shame! shame!") _we_ will
+swear to you; (_Omnes_, " Fitzflam for ever!") and--we don't care who
+knows it--(_Omnes_. "Noble fellows!") we arrest you at the suit of
+Messrs. Moleskin and Corderoy, Regent's-quadrant, tailors. Attorneys,
+Messrs. Gallowsworthy and Pickles, of Furnival's Inn. Plaintiff claims
+54l. debt and 65l. costs; so come along, will you!"
+
+It was an exceedingly fortunate thing for the representatives of the
+Sheriff of Middlesex that their exit was marked by more expedition than
+elegance; for as soon as their real purpose was known, Fitzflam (as the
+audience supposed Fitzfunk to be) would have been rescued _vi et armis_.
+As it was, they hurried him to a back room at the inn, and carefully
+double-locked the door. It was also rather singular that from the moment
+of the officer's appearance, the gentleman in the boxes whose doubts had
+caused the disturbance immediately owned himself in the wrong, apologised
+for his mistake, and withdrew. As the tragedy could not proceed without
+Fitzfunk, the manager proposed a hornpipe-in-fetters and general dance by
+the characters; instead of the last act which was accepted, and loudly
+applauded and encored by the audience.
+
+Seated in his melancholy apartment, well guarded by the bailiff, certain
+of being discovered and perhaps punished as an impostor, or compelled to
+part with all his earnings to pay for coats and continuations he had never
+worn, the luckless Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk gave way to deep
+despondency, and various "ahs!" and "ohs!" A tap at the door was followed
+by the introduction of a three-cornered note addressed to himself. The
+following were its contents:--
+
+"Sir,--It appears from this night's adventure _my name_ has heretofore
+been useful to you, and on the present occasion your impersonation of it
+has been useful to me. We are thus far quits. _I_, as the 'real Simon
+Pure,' will tell you what to do. Protest you _are not the man_. Get
+witnesses to hear you say so; and when taken to London (as you will be)
+and the men are undeceived, threaten to bring an action against the
+Sheriff unless those harpies, Messrs. Gallowsworthy and Pickles, give you
+20l. for yourself, and a receipt in full for the debt and costs. Keep my
+secret; I'll keep yours. Burn this.--H.F.F."
+
+No sooner read than done; and all came to pass as the note predicted.
+Gallowsworthy and Pickles grumbled, but were compelled to pay. Fitzflam
+and Fitzfunk became inseparable. Fitzflam was even heard to say, he
+thought in time Fitzfunk would make a decent walking gentleman; and
+Fitzfunk was always impressed with an opinion that _he_ was the man of
+talent, and that Fitzflam would never have been able to succeed in
+"starring it" where he had been "_The Great Creature_."
+
+FUSBOS.
+
+N.B.--The author of this paper has commenced adapting it for stage
+representation.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE DESIRE OF PLEASING.
+
+"May I be married, ma?" said a lovely girl of fifteen to her mother the
+other morning. "Married!" exclaimed the astonished matron; "what put such
+an idea into your head?" "Little Emily, here, has never seen a wedding;
+and I'd like to amuse the child," replied the obliging sister, with
+fascinating _naïveté_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE HEIR OF APPLEBITE.
+
+CHAPTER VIII.
+
+[Illustration: A]A serious accident to the double-bass was the
+extraordinary occurrence alluded to in our last chapter. It appeared that,
+contrary to the _usual_ custom of the class of musicians that attend
+evening parties, the operator upon the double-bass had early in the
+evening shown slight symptoms of inebriety, which were alarmingly
+increased during supper-time by a liberal consumption of wine, ale, gin,
+and other compounds. The harp, flageolet, and first violin, had prudently
+abstained from drinking--at their own expense, and had reserved their
+thirstiness for the benefit of the bibicals of the "founder of the feast,"
+and, consequently, had only attained that peculiar state of sapient
+freshness which invariably characterises quadrille bands after supper, and
+had, therefore, overlooked the rapid obfuscation of their more imprudent
+companion in their earnest consideration of themselves.
+
+Bacchus has long been acknowledged to be the cicerone of Cupid; and
+accordingly the God of Wine introduced the God of Love into the bosom of
+the double-bass, who, with a commendable feeling of sociality, instantly
+invited the cook to join the party. Now Susan, though a staid woman, and
+weighing, moreover, sixteen stone, was fond of a "hinnocent bit of
+nonsense," kindly consented to take just a "sip of red port wine" with the
+performer upon catgut cables; and everything was progressing _allegro_,
+when Cupid wickedly stimulated the double-bass to chuck Susan's double
+chin, and then, with the frenzy of a Bacchanal, to attempt the
+impossibility of encircling the ample waist of his Dulcinea. This was
+carrying the joke a _leetle_ too far, and Susan, equally alarmed for her
+reputation and her habit-shirt, struggled to free herself from the embrace
+of the votary of Apollo; but the fiddler was not to be so easily disposed
+of, and he clung to the object of his admiration with such pertinacity
+that Susan was compelled to redouble her exertions, which were ultimately
+successful in embedding the double-bass in the body of his instrument. The
+crash was frightful, and Susan, having vainly endeavoured to free herself
+from the incubus which had fastened upon her, proceeded to scream most
+lustily as an overture to a faint. These sounds reached the supper-room,
+and occasioned the diversion in John's favour; a simultaneous rush was
+instantly made to the quarter from whence they proceeded, as the whole
+range of accidents and offences flashed across the imaginations of the
+affrighted revellers.
+
+Mrs. Waddledot decided that the china tea-service was no more. Mrs.
+Applebite felt certain that "the heir" had tumbled into the tea-urn, or
+had cut another tooth very suddenly. The gentlemen were assured that a
+foray had taken place upon the hats and cloaks below, and that cabs would
+be at a premium and colds at a discount. The ladies made various
+applications of the rest of the catalogue; whilst old John wound up the
+matter by the consolatory announcement that he "know'd the fire hadn't
+been put out by the _in_gines in the morning."
+
+The general alarm was, however, converted into general laughter when the
+real state of affairs was ascertained; and Susan having been recovered by
+burning feathers under her nose, and pouring brandy down her throat,
+preparations were made for the disinterment of the double-bass. To all
+attempts to effect such a laudable purpose, the said double-bass offered
+the most violent opposition, declaring he should never be so happy again,
+and earnestly entreated Susan to share his heart and temporary residence.
+
+Her refusal of both seemed to cause him momentary uneasiness, for hanging
+his head upon his breast he murmured out--
+
+  "Now she has left me her loss to deplore;"
+
+and then burst into a loud huzza that rendered some suggestions about the
+police necessary, which Mr. Double-bass treated with a contempt truly
+royal. He then seemed to be impressed with an idea that he was the index
+to a "Little Warbler;" for at the request of no one he proceeded to
+announce the titles of all the popular songs from the time of Shield
+downwards. How long he would have continued this vocal category is
+uncertain; but as exertion seemed rather to increase than diminish his
+boisterous merriment, the suggestions respecting the police were ordered
+to be adopted, and accordingly two of the force were requested to remove
+him from the domicile where he was creating so much discord in lieu of
+harmony.
+
+Double-bass still continued deaf to all entreaties for silence and
+progression, and when a stretcher was mentioned grew positively furious,
+and insisted that, as he had a conveyance of his own, he should be taken
+to whatever destination they chose to select for him on, or rather in,
+that vehicle. Accordingly a rattle was sprung, and duly answered by two or
+three more of those alphabetical gentlemen who emanate from Scotland-yard,
+by whose united efforts the refractory musician was carried out in
+triumph, firmly and safely seated in his own ponderous instrument, loudly
+insisting that he should be conveyed
+
+[Illustration: WITH CARE--THIS SIDE UP.]
+
+The interruption occasioned by this interesting occurrence was productive
+of a general clearance of 24, Pleasant-place; and the apartments which
+were so lately filled with airy sylphs and trussed Adonises presented a
+strange jumble of rough coats, dingy silk cloaks, very _passé_ bonnets,
+and numerous heads enveloped in faded white handkerchiefs. Everything
+began to look miserable; candles were seen in all directions flickering
+with their inevitable destiny; bouquets were thrown carelessly upon the
+ground; and the very faintest odour of a cigar found its way from the
+street-door into the drawing-room. Then came the hubbub of struggling
+jarvies; the hoarse, continued inquiries of those peculiar beings that
+emerge from some unknown quarter of the great metropolis, and "live and
+move and have their being" at the doorsteps of party-giving people. What
+tales could those benighted creatures tell of secret pressures of hands,
+whispered sentences of sweet words, which have led in after-days to many a
+blissful union! What sighs must have fallen upon their ears as they have
+rolled up the steps and slammed to the doors of the vehicle which bore
+away the idol of the evening! But they have no romance--no ambition but to
+call "My lord duke's coach."
+
+Then came the desolate stillness of the "banquet-hall deserted;" the
+consciousness that the hour of grandeur had passed away. There was nothing
+to break the stillness but Mrs. Applebite counting up the spoons, and Mrs.
+Waddledot re-decanting the remainders.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+BURKE'S HERALDRY.
+
+Our amiable friend and classical correspondent, Deaf Burke--"mind,
+yes"--has lately mounted a coat-of-_arms_, "Dexter and Sinister;" a Nose
+gules and Eye sable; three annulets of Ropes in chief, supported by two
+Prize-fighters proper. Motto,--
+
+[Illustration: KNOCK AND RING.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A SUGGESTION
+
+For the formation of a Society for the relief of foreigners afflicted with
+a short pocket and a long beard.
+
+Mr. Muntz to be immediately waited upon by a body of the unhappy
+sufferers, and requested to give his countenance and assistance to the
+establishment of an INSTITUTION FOR THE GRATUITOUS SHAVING OF DESTITUTE
+AND HIRSUTE FOREIGNERS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE GOLD SNUFF-BOX.
+
+[Illustration: M]My aunt, Mrs. Cheeseman, is the very reverse of her
+husband. He is a plain, honest creature, such as we read of in full-length
+descriptions by some folks, but equally comprehensive, though shortly done
+by others, under the simple name of John Bull--as ungarnished in his
+dress, as in his speech and action; whereas Mrs. Cheeseman, as I have just
+told you, is the counterpart of plainness; she has trinkets out of number,
+brooches, backed with every kind of hair, from "the flaxen-headed cow-boy"
+to the deep-toned "Jim Crow." Then her rings--they _are_ the surprise of
+her staring acquaintances; she has them from the most delicate Oriental
+fabric to the massiveness of dog's collars.
+
+Uncle Cheeseman says Mrs. C. thinks of nothing else; no sporting
+gentleman, handsomely furnished, in the golden days of pugilism, ever
+looked upon a ring with more delightful emotions. At going to bed, she
+bestows the same affectionate gaze upon them that mothers do upon their
+slumbering progeny; nor is that care and affection diminished in the
+morning: her very imagination is a ring, seeing that it has neither
+beginning nor end--her tender ideas are encircled by the four magical
+letters R--I--N--G. Even at church, we are told, she divides her time
+between sleeping and secret polishing. It has just occurred to me, that I
+might have saved you and myself much trouble had I at once told you that
+aunt Cheeseman is a regular _Ring-worm_.
+
+But, to my uncle--the only finery sported by him (and I hardly think it
+deserving that word), besides a silver watch, sound and true as the owner,
+and the very prototype of his bulk and serenity, was a gold snuff-box, a
+large and handsome one, which he did not esteem for its intrinsic weight;
+he had a "lusty pride" in showing that it was a prize gained in some
+skilful agricultural contest. I am sorry at not recollecting what was
+engraven on it; but being a thorough Cockney, and knowing nothing more of
+the plough and harrow than that I have somewhere observed it as a tavern
+sign, must plead for my ignorance in out-o'-town matters.
+
+You can remember, no doubt, the day the Queen went to dine with the City
+Nabobs at Guildhall. Cheeseman hurried impatiently to London for the sole
+purpose of _seeing_ the sight, and upon finding my liking for the
+spectacle as powerful as his own, declared I was the only sensible child
+my mother ever had, and adding that as he was well able to push his way
+through a Lunnon crowd, if my father and mother were willing, under his
+protection I should see this grand affair. Not the slightest objection was
+put in opposition to my uncle's proposal, consequently the next day,
+November the 9th, 1837, uncle Cheeseman and I formed integral portions of
+the huge mass of spectators which reached from St. James's to the City.
+
+After slipping off the pavement a score of times (and in some instances
+opportunely enough to be shoulder-grazed by a passing coach-wheel),
+stunning numberless persons by explosions of oaths for clumsy collisions
+and unintentional performances upon his tenderest corn, we reached the
+corner of St. Paul's churchyard.
+
+Having secured by a two-shilling bargain about three feet of a form,
+which, I suppose, upon any other day than a general holiday like the
+present was the _locus in quo_ for little dears whose young ideas were
+taught to shoot at threepence a week, uncle took breath, and a pinch of
+snuff together: he smiled as I observed, that he'd be sure to take a
+refresher when her Majesty passed; and though he shook his head and
+designated me a sly young rogue, I could clearly perceive that he was
+plotting to perform, as if by chance, what I had predicated as a
+certainty; and although nineteen persons out of twenty would have marked
+(in this instance) his puerility, I doubt not but that the same number are
+(at some periods of their existence) innocent victims to the like
+weakness, whether it be generated in a snuff-box or a royal diploma.
+
+By-and-by, a murmur from the distance, which succeeded a restless motion
+among the crowd (like a leafy agitation of trees coming as a kind of
+_courier en avant_ to announce the regular hurricane), broke gradually,
+and at last uproariously upon us; straining our necks and eyes in the
+attractive direction. Uncle grasped me by the arm, and though he spoke not
+a word, he fairly stared, "Here it comes." Now the thick tide of the
+moving portion of the spectators began to sweep past us, as they hedged in
+the soldiery and carriages; then came the shouting, accompanied by various
+kinds of squeezing, tearing, and stumbling; some screaming compliments to
+her Majesty, and in the same breath dispensing more violent compliments in
+an opposite direction, and of a decidedly different tendency. Shoes were
+trodden off, and bonnets crushed out of all fashion; coats were curtailed;
+samples of their quality were either seen dangling at the heels of the
+wearer, or were ignominiously trodden under foot; and many superfine
+Saxony trousers were double-milled without mercy.
+
+Whilst we were pluming ourselves upon the snugness of our situations, and
+the attendant good fortune of being easy partners in the business of the
+day, and thus freed from the vexations and perplexities so largely
+distributed in our view, I was hindered from communicating my happiness
+upon these points, for at this moment down went my uncle Cheeseman, and as
+suddenly up flew his arms above his head, like Boatswain Smith at the
+height of exhortation on Tower Hill. I was surprised, and so appeared my
+unfortunate relation, who superadded an additional mixture of indignation
+as I caught a glimpse or two of his chameleon-like visage; for at the first
+sight I could have most honestly sworn it to have been white--at the
+second as crimson as the sudden consciousness of helpless injury could
+make it. Nevertheless, he sailed away from me in this extraordinary
+attitude for a short distance, when suddenly, as he lowered his arms, I
+observed sundry hands descend quickly, and, as I thought, kindly, lest he
+should lose his hat, upon the crown of it, until it encased more of his
+head than could be deemed either fashionable or comfortable. Presently,
+however, he was again seen viciously elbowing and writhing his way back to
+me, which after immense exertions he performed, in the full receipt of
+numerous anathemas and jocular insults. As he neared me, I inquired what
+he had been doing; why he had left me for such a short, difficult, and
+unprofitable journey--which queries, innocently playful as they were,
+appeared to produce a choking sensation, accompanied by a full-length
+stare at me; but his naturally kind heart was not kept long closed against
+me, and I gleaned the melancholy fact from his indignation, which was
+continually emitted in such short gusts as, "The villains"--"The
+scoundrels"--"And done so suddenly"--"The only thing I prized,"--"Well,
+this is a lesson for me." As we returned home, uncle displayed a wish to
+thrust himself everywhere into the densest mass; there was a morbid
+carelessness in his manner that he had hitherto never shown; he was
+evidently another man, a fallen creature; his pride, his existence, the
+very theme of all his joys, his gold snuff-box, had departed for ever, and
+his heart was in that box: what would Mrs. Cheeseman say? He had been
+cleaned out to the very letter--ay, that letter--it perhaps contained
+matters of moment.
+
+I have since that affair upon several occasions heard the poor fellow
+declare that much as he was heart-broken at the loss of his box, his
+feelings were lacerated to a greater degree when, in a curtain lecture, my
+staid, correct, frosty-hearted, jewel-hugging aunt said, "Cheeseman, it
+was a judgment for such conduct to a wife. In that letter, which you
+treated with such contumely, I strictly cautioned you not to take that
+valuable box about with you, if your madness for sight-seeing should lead
+you into a mob. Let this be a warning to you; and be sure that though
+woman be the weaker vessel, she is oftentimes the deepest." We believe it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE PENSIVE PEEL.
+
+It is an unfounded calumny of the enemies of Sir Robert Peel to say that
+he has gone into the country to amuse himself--shooting, feasting, eating,
+and drinking--while the people are starving in the streets and highways.
+_We_ know that the heart of the compassionate _old rat_ bleeds for the
+distresses of the nation, and that he is at this moment living upon bread
+and water, and studying Lord John Russell's hints on the Corn-laws, in
+
+[Illustration: THE MONASTERY OF LA TRAPPE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+DOMESTIC ECONOMY.
+
+  Said Stiggins to his wife one day,
+    "We've nothing left to eat;
+  If things go on in this queer way,
+    We shan't make _both ends meet._"
+
+  The dame replied, in words discreet,
+    "We're not so badly fed,
+  If we can make but _one_ end _meat_,
+    And make the other _bread_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+NIGGER PECULIARITIES.
+
+Perhaps no race of people on the face of the habitable globe are so
+strongly imbued with individual peculiarities as the free and slave negro
+population of the United States. Out-heroding Herod in their monstrous
+attempts of imitating and exceeding the fashions of the whites, the
+emulative "Darkies" may be seen on Sundays occupying the whole extent of
+the Broadway pavement, dressed in fashions carried to the very sublime of
+the ridiculous. Whatever is the order of the day, the highest _ton_ among
+the whites is instantly adopted, with the most ludicrous exaggeration, by
+the blacks: if small brims be worn by the beaus of the former, they
+degenerate to nothing on the skulls of the latter; if width be the order
+of the day, the coloured gentlemen rush out in unmeasurable umbrellas of
+felt, straw, and gossamer. A long-tailed white is, in comparison, but a
+docked black. Should muslin trip from a carriage, tucked or flounced to
+the knee, the same material, sported by a sable belle, will take its next
+Sunday out fur-belowed from hip to heel. Parasols are parachutes; sandals,
+black bandages; large bonnets, straw sheds, and small ones, nonentities.
+So it is with colours: green becomes more green, blue more blue, orange
+more orange, and crimson more flaming, when sported by these ebon slaves
+of deep-rooted vanity.
+
+The spirit of imitation manifests itself in all their actions: hence it is
+by no means an uncommon occurrence to see a tall, round-shouldered,
+woolly-headed, buck-shinned, and inky-complexioned "Free Nigger,"
+sauntering out on Sunday, shading his huge weather-proof face from the
+rays of the encroaching sun under a carefully-carried silk umbrella! And
+again, as in many of the places of worship the whole congregation cannot
+be accommodated with seats, many of the members supply their own; so these
+sable gentry may be frequently seen progressing to church with a small
+stool under their arms: and in one instance, rather than be disappointed,
+or obliged to stand,--a solemn-looking specimen of the species actually
+provided himself with a strong brick-bat, and having carefully covered it
+with his many and bright-coloured bandana, preserved his gravity, and,
+still more strange, his balance, with an irresistible degree of
+mirth-creating composure.
+
+Their laziness and unequivocal antipathy to work is as true as proverbial.
+We know an instance of it in which the master ordered his sable "help" to
+carry a small box from the steam pier to the Astor-House Hotel, where his
+newly-married wife, an English lady, was waiting for it; judge of her
+surprise to see the dark gentleman arrive followed by an Irish lad bearing
+the freight intended for himself.
+
+"Dar," said the domineering conductor; "dar, dat will do; put da box down
+dar. Now, Missis, look here, jist give dat chap a shillin."
+
+"A shilling! What for?"
+
+"Cos he bring up dar plunder from de bay."
+
+"Why didn't you bring it yourself?"
+
+"Look here. Somehow I rader guess I should ha let dar box fall and
+smashiated de contents, so I jist give dat white trash de job jest to let
+de poor crittur arn a shillin."
+
+Remonstrance was vain, so the money was paid; the lady declaring, for the
+future, should he think proper to employ a deputy, it must be at his own
+expense. The above term "white trash" is the one commonly employed to
+express their supreme contempt for the "low Irish wulgar set."
+
+Their dissensions among themselves are irresistibly comic. Threatening
+each other in the most outrageous manner; pouring out invectives,
+anathemas, and denunciations of the most deadly nature; but nine times in
+ten letting the strife end without a blow; affording in their quarrels an
+apt illustration of
+
+  "A tale full of sound and fury,
+  Told by an idiot, signifying nothing."
+
+Suppose an affront, fancied or real, put by one on another, the common
+commencement of ireful expostulations generally runs as follows:--
+
+"Look here! you d--m black nigger; what you do dat for, Sar?"
+
+"Hoo you call black, Sar? D--m, as white as you, Sar; any day, Sar. You
+nigger, Sar!"
+
+"Look here agin; don't you call me a nigger, Sar. Now, don't you do it."
+
+"Why not?"
+
+"Neber mind; I've told you on it, so don't you go to do it no more, you
+mighty low black, cos if you do put my dander up, and make me wrasey, I
+rader guess I'll smash in your nigger's head, like a bust-up egg-shell.
+Ise a ring-tailed roarer, I tell you!"
+
+"Reckon I'm a Pottomus. Don't you go to put my steam up; d--d if don't
+bust and scald you out. I'm nothing but a snorter--a pretty considerable
+tarnation long team, and a couple of horses to spare; so jest be quiet, I
+tell you, or I'll use you up uncommon sharp."
+
+"You use me up! Yoo, yoo! D--m! You and your wife and some nigger
+children, all ob you, was sold for a hundred and fifty dollars less than
+this nigger."
+
+"Look here, don't you say dat agin; don't you do it; I tell you, don't you
+do it, or I'll jist give you such an almighty everlasting shaking, dat you
+shall pray for a cold ague as a holiday. I'm worth considerable more
+dollars dan sich a low black man as you is worth cents. Why, didn't dey
+offer to give you away, only you such dam trash no one would take you, so
+at last you was knocked down to a blind man."
+
+"What dat? Here! Stand clear dar behind, and get out ob de way in front,
+I'm jist going to take a run and butt dat nigger out of de State. Let me
+go, do you hear? Golly, if you hadn't held me he'd a been werry small
+pieces by dis time. D--m, I'll break him up."
+
+"Yoo, yoo! Your low buck-shins neber carry your black head fast enough to
+catch dis elegant nigger. You jist run; you'll find I'm nothing but an
+alligator. You hab no more chance dan a black slug under de wheels of a
+plunder-train carriage. You is unnoticeable by dis gentleman."
+
+"Dar dat good, gentleman! Golly, dat good! Look here, don't you neber
+speak to me no more."
+
+"And look here, nigger, don't you neber speak to me."
+
+"See you d--m fust, black man."
+
+"See you scorched fust, nigger."
+
+"Good day, trash."
+
+"Good mornin, dirt!"
+
+So generally ends the quarrel; but about half-an-hour afterwards the Trash
+and Dirt will generally be found lauding each other to the skies, and
+cementing a new six hours' friendship over some brandy punch or a mint
+julep.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SONGS OF THE SEEDY.--No. VI.
+
+  You bid me rove, Mary,
+  In the shady grove, Mary,
+     With you to the close of even;
+  But I can't, my dear,
+  For I must, I swear,
+     Be off at a quarter to seven.
+
+  Nay, do not start, Mary;
+  Nor let your heart, Mary,
+     Be disturb'd in its innocent purity;
+  I'm sure that _you_
+  Wouldn't have me do
+     My friend--my bail--my security!
+
+  That tearful eye, Mary,
+  Seems to ask me why, Mary,
+     I can wait till sunset on'y.
+  Ah! turn not away;
+  I am out for the day
+     On a _Fleet_ and fleeting _pony_.
+
+  Your wide open mouth, Mary,
+  With its breath like the south, Mary,
+     Seems to ask for an explanation.
+  Well, though not of the schools,
+  I live within _rules_,
+     And am subject to observation.
+
+  But come to my arms, Mary;
+  Let no dread alarms, Mary,
+     In our present happiness warp us!
+  I've not the least doubt
+  Of soon getting out,
+     By a writ of _habeas corpus_.
+
+  Away with despair, Mary;
+  Let us cast in the air, Mary,
+     His dark and gloomy fetters.
+  Why _should_ we be rack'd,
+  When we think of the Act
+     For relieving Insolvent Debtors.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A MAYOR'S NEST.
+
+Our friend the Sir Peter Laureate wishes to know whether the work upon
+"Horal Surgery" is not a new-invented description of almanack, as it is
+announced as
+
+[Illustration: CURTIS ON THE EAR[1]]
+
+    [1] _Qy_. Year.--Printer's Devil.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE PHYSIOLOGY OF THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT.
+
+5.--OF HIS MATURITY, AND LATIN EXAMINATION.
+
+The second season arrives, and our pupil becomes "a medical student" in
+the fullest sense of the word. He has an indistinct recollection that
+there are such things as wards in the hospital as well as in a key or the
+city, and a vague wandering, like the morning's impression of the dreams
+of the preceding night, that in the remote dark ages of his career he took
+some notes upon the various lectures, the which have long since been
+converted into pipe-lights or small darts, which, twisted up and propelled
+from between the forefingers of each hand, fly with unerring aim across
+the theatre at the lecturer's head, the slumbering student, or any other
+object worth aiming at--an amusing way of beguiling the hour's lecture,
+and only excelled by the sport produced, if he has the good luck to sit in
+a sunbeam, from making a tournament of "Jack-o'-lanthorns" on the ceiling.
+His locker in the lobby of the dissecting-room has long since been devoid
+of apron, sleeves, scalpels, or forceps; but still it is not empty. Its
+contents are composed of three bellpull-handles, a valuable series of
+shutter-fastenings, two or three broken pipes, a pewter "go" (which, if
+everybody had their own, would in all probability belong to Mr. Evans, of
+Covent Garden Piazza), some scraps of biscuit, and a round knocker, which
+forcibly recalls a pleasant evening he once spent, with the accompanying
+anecdotes of how he "bilked the pike" at Waterloo Bridge, and poor Jones
+got "jug'd" by mistake.
+
+It must not, however, be supposed that the student now neglects visiting
+the dissecting-room. On the contrary, he is unremitting in his attendance,
+and sometimes the first there of a morning, more especially when he has,
+to use his own expression, been "going it rather fast than otherwise" the
+evening before, and comes to the school very early in the morning to have
+a good wash and refresh himself previously to snatching a little of the
+slumber he has forgotten to take during the night, which he enjoys very
+quietly in the injecting-room down stairs, amidst a heterogeneous
+assemblage of pipkins, subjects, deal coffins, sawdust, inflated stomachs,
+syringes, macerating tubs, and dried preparations. The dissecting-room is
+also his favourite resort for refreshment, and he broils sprats and red
+herrings on the fire-shovel with consummate skill, amusing himself during
+the process of his culinary arrangements by sawing the corners off the
+stone mantel-piece, throwing cinders at the new man, or seeing how long it
+takes to bore a hole through one of the stools with a red-hot poker.
+Indeed, these luckless pieces of furniture are always marked out by the
+student as the fittest objects on which to wreak his destructive
+propensities; and he generally discovers that the readiest way to do them
+up is to hop steeple-chases upon them from one end of the room to the
+other--a sporting amusement which shakes them to pieces, and irremediably
+dislocates all their articulations, sooner than anything else. Of course
+these pleasantries are only carried on in the absence of the demonstrator.
+Should he be present, the industry of the student is confined to poking
+the fire in the stove and then shutting the flue, or keeping down the ball
+of the cistern by some abdominal hooks, and then, before the invasion of
+smoke and water takes place, quietly joining a knot of new men who are
+strenuously endeavouring to dissect the brain and discover the
+_hippocampus major_, which they expect to find in the perfect similitude
+of a sea-horse, like the web-footed quadrupeds who paw the "reality" in
+the "area usually devoted to illusion," or tank, at the Adelphi Theatre.
+
+If one of the professors of his medical school chances to be addicted to
+making anti-Martin experiments on animals, or the study of comparative
+anatomy, the pursuits offer an endless fund of amusement to the jocose
+student. He administers poison to the toxicological guinea-pigs; hunts the
+rabbit kept for galvanism about the school; lets loose in the theatre, by
+accident, the sparrows preserved to show the rapidly fatal action of
+_choke-damp_ upon life; turns the bladders, which have been provided to
+tie over bottles, into footballs; and makes daily contributions to the
+plate of pebbles taken from the stomach of the ostrich, and preserved in
+the museum to show the mode in which these birds assist digestion, until
+he quadruples the quantity, and has the quiet satisfaction of seeing
+exhibited at lecture, as the identical objects, the heap of small stones
+which he has collected from time to time in the garden of the school, or
+from any excavation for pipes or paving which he may have passed in his
+route from his lodgings.
+
+The second or middle course of the three winter sessions which the medical
+student is compelled to go through, is the one in which he most enjoys
+himself, and indulges in those little outbreaks of eccentric mirth which
+eminently qualify him for his future professional career. During the first
+course he studies from novelty--during the last from compulsion; but the
+middle one passes in unlimited sprees and perpetual half-and-half. The
+only grand project he now undertakes is "going up for his Latin," provided
+he had not courage to do so upon first coming to London. For some weeks
+before this period he is never seen without an interlined edition of
+Celsus and Gregory; not that he debars himself from joviality during the
+time of his preparation, but he judiciously combines study with
+amusement--never stirring without his translation in his pocket, and even,
+if he goes to the theatre, beguiling the time between the pieces by
+learning the literal order of a new paragraph. Every school possesses
+circulating copies of these works: they have been originally purchased in
+some wild moment of industrious extravagance by a new man; and when he
+passed, he sold them for five shillings to another, who, in turn, disposed
+of them to a third, until they had run nearly all through the school. The
+student grinds away at these until he knows them almost by heart, albeit
+his translation is not the most elegant. He reads--"_Sanus homo_, a sound
+man; _qui_, who; _et_, also; _bene valet_, well is in health; _et_, and;
+_suæ spontis_, of his own choice; _est_, is," &c. This, however, is quite
+sufficient; and, accordingly, one afternoon, in a rash moment, he makes up
+his mind to "go up." Arrived at Apothecaries' Hall--a building which he
+regards with a feeling of awe far beyond the Bow-street Police Office--he
+takes his place amongst the anxious throng, and is at last called into a
+room, where two examiners politely request that he will favour them by
+sitting down at a table adorned with severe-looking inkstands, long pens,
+formal sheets of foolscap, and awfully-sized copies of the light
+entertaining works mentioned above. One of the aforesaid examiners then
+takes a pinch of snuff, coughs, blows his nose, points out a paragraph for
+the student to translate, and leaves him to do it. He has, with a prudent
+forethought, stuffed his cribs inside his double-breasted waistcoat, but,
+unfortunately, he finds he cannot use them; so when he sticks at a queer
+word he writes it on his blotting-paper and shoves it quietly on to the
+next man. If his neighbour is a brick, he returns an answer; but if he is
+not, our friend is compelled to take shots of the meaning and trust to
+chance--a good plan when you are not certain what to do, either at
+billiards or Apothecaries' Hall. Should he be fortunate enough to get
+through, his schedule is endorsed with some hieroglyphics explanatory of
+the auspicious event; and, in gratitude, he asks a few friends to his
+lodgings that night, who have legions of sausages for supper, and drink
+gin-and-water until three o'clock in the morning. It is not, however,
+absolutely necessary that a man should go up himself to pass his Latin. We
+knew a student once who, by a little judicious change of appearance--first
+letting his hair grow very long, and then cutting it quite short--at one
+time patronizing whiskers, and at another shaving himself perfectly
+clean--now wearing spectacles, and now speaking through his nose--being,
+withal, an excellent scholar, passed a Latin examination for half the men
+in the hospital he belonged to, receiving from them, when he had
+succeeded, the fee which, in most cases, they would have paid a private
+teacher for preparing them.
+
+The medical student does not like dining alone; he is gregarious, and
+attaches himself to some dining-rooms in the vicinity of his school,
+where, in addition to the usual journals, they take in the Lancet and
+Medical Gazette for his express reading. He is here the customer most
+looked up to by the proprietor, and is also on excellent terms with
+"Harriet," who confidentially tells him that the boiled beef is just up;
+indeed, he has been seen now and then to put his arm round her waist and
+ask her when she meant to marry him, which question Harriet is not very
+well prepared to answer, as all the second season men have proposed to her
+successively, and each stands equally well in her estimation, which is
+kept up at the rate of a penny _per diem_. But Harriet is not the only
+waiting domestic with whom he is upon friendly terms. The Toms, Charleses,
+and Henrys of the supper-taverns enjoy equal familiarity; and when Nancy,
+at Knight's, brings him oysters for two and asks him for the money to get
+the stout, he throws down the shilling with an expression of endearment
+that plainly intimates he does not mean to take back the fourpence change
+out of the pot. Should he, however, in the course of his wanderings, go
+into a strange eating-house, where he is not known, and consequently is
+not paid becoming attention, his revenge is called into play, and he
+gratifies it by the simple act of pouring the vinegar into the
+pepper-castor, and emptying the contents of the salt-cellar into the
+water-bottle before he gets up to walk away.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+EXPRESS FROM AMERICA.
+
+We are authorised to state there is a man in New Orleans so exceedingly
+bright, that he uses the palm of his hand for a looking-glass.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+POLITICS OF THE OUTWARD MAN!
+
+Wisdom is to be purchased only of the tailor. Morality is synonymous with
+millinery; whilst Truth herself--pictured by the poetry of the olden day
+in angelic nakedness--must now be full-dressed, like a young lady at a
+royal drawing-room, to be considered presentable. You may believe that a
+man with a gash in his heart may still walk, talk, pay taxes, and perform
+all the other duties of a highly civilised citizen; but to believe that
+the same man with a hole in his coat can discourse like a reasoning
+animal, is to be profoundly ignorant of those sympathetic subtleties
+existing between a man's brain and a man's broad-cloth. Party politics
+have developed this profound truth--the divine reason of the immortal
+creature escapes through ragged raiment; a fractured skull is not so fatal
+to the powers of ratiocination as a rent in the nether garments. GOD'S
+image loses the divine lustre of its origin with its nap of super-Saxony.
+The sinful lapse of ADAM has thrown all his unfortunate children upon the
+mercies of the tailor; and that mortal shows least of the original stain
+who wraps about it the richest purple and the finest linen. Hence, if you
+would know the value of a man's heart, look at his waistcoat.
+
+Philosophers and anatomists have quarrelled for centuries as to the
+residence of the soul. Some have vowed that it lived here--some there;
+some that, like a gentleman with several writs in pursuit of him, it
+continually changed its lodgings; whilst others have lustily sworn that
+the soul was a vagrant, with no claim to any place of settlement whatever.
+Nevertheless, a vulgar notion has obtained that the soul dwelt on a little
+knob of the brain; and that there, like a vainglorious bantam-cock on a
+dunghill, it now claps its wings and crows all sorts of triumph--and now,
+silent and scratching, it thinks of nought but wheat and barley. The first
+step to knowledge is to confess to a late ignorance. We avow, then, our
+late benighted condition. We were of the number of sciolists who lodged
+the soul in the head of man: we are now convinced that the true dwelling
+place of the soul is in the head's antipodes. Let SOLOMON himself return
+to the earth, and hold forth at a political meeting; SOLOMON himself would
+be hooted, laughed at, voted an ass, a nincompoop, if SOLOMON spoke from
+the platform with a hole in his breeches!
+
+PLATO doubtless thought that he had imagined a magnificent theory, when he
+averred that every man had within him a spark of the divine flame. But,
+silly PLATO! he never considered how easily this spark might be blown out.
+At this moment, how many Englishmen are walking about the land utterly
+extinguished! Had men been made on the principle of the safety-lamp, they
+might have defied the foul breath of the world's opinion--but, alas! what
+a tender, thin-skinned, shivering thing is man! His covering--the livery
+of original sin, bought with the pilfered apples--is worn into a hole, and
+Opinion, that sour-breathed hag, claps her blue lips to the broken web,
+gives a puff, and--out goes man's immortal spark! From this moment the
+creature is but a carcase: he can eat and drink (when lucky enough to be
+able to try the experiment), talk, walk, and no more; yes, we forgot--he
+can work; he still keeps precedence of the ape in the scale of
+creation--for he can work for those who, thickly clothed, and buttoned to
+the throat, have no rent in their purple, no stitch dropped in their
+superfine, to expose their precious souls to an annihilating gust, and who
+therefore keep their immortal sparks like tapers in burglars'
+dark-lanthorns, whereby to rob and spoil with greater certainty!
+
+Gentle reader, think you this a fantastic chapter on holes? If so, then of
+a surety you do not read those instructive annals of your country penned
+by many a TACITUS of the daily press--by many a profound historian who
+unites to the lighter graces of stenography the enduring loveliness of
+philosophy.
+
+Some days since a meeting was held in the parish of Saint Pancras of the
+"Young Men's Anti-Monopoly Association." The place of gathering, says the
+reporter, was "a ruined _penny_ theatre!" It is evident in the brain of
+the writer that the small price at which the theatre was ruined made its
+infamy: to be blighted for a penny was the shame. Drury Lane and Covent
+Garden have been ruined over and over again--but then their ruin, like
+PHRYNE'S, has ever been at a large price of admission; hence, like court
+harlots, their ruin has been dignified by high remuneration. What,
+however, could be expected from a theatre that, with inconceivable
+wickedness, suffered itself to be undone for a penny? Let the reporter
+answer:--
+
+    "---- FORSTER, Esq., advanced, and, assuming _a teapot position_
+    on the stage, moved the first resolution, to the effect 'That the
+    bread-tax was the cause of all distress, and that they should use
+    their strenuous efforts to remove it.' 'Ladies (there was one old
+    woman _in a shocking bad black and white straw bonnet present_)
+    and gentlemen (said he), this is a public meeting to all intents
+    and purposes.'"
+
+For ourselves we care not for an orator's standing like a teapot, if what
+he pours out be something better than mere hot-water or dead small beer.
+If, however, we were to typify orators in delf, there are many Tory
+talkers whom we would associate with more ignominious shapes of crockery
+than that of a teapot--senators who are taken by the handle, and by their
+party used for the dirtiest offices.
+
+We now come to the bad old woman whose excess of iniquity was blazoned in
+her "bad black and white straw bonnet." This woman might have been an
+ASPASIA, a DE STAEL, a Mrs. SOMERVILLE,--nay, the SYBILLA CUMEA herself.
+What of that? The "bad" bonnet must sink the large souled Grecian to a
+cinder-wench, make the Frenchwoman a trapes from the Palais Royal, our
+fair astronomer a gipsy of Greenwich Park, and the fate-foretelling sybil
+a crone crawled from the worst garret of Battle-bridge. The head is
+nothing; the bonnet's all. Think you that Mrs. Somerville could have
+studied herself into reputation, that the moon and stars would have
+condescended to smile upon her, if she had not attended their evening
+parties in a handsome turban, duly plumed and jewelled?
+
+Come we now to the next recorded atrocity:--
+
+    "There jumped now upon the stage _a red-haired, laughing-hyena
+    faced, fustian-coated biped_, exclaiming--'My name is Wall! I have
+    a substantive amendment to move to the resolution now
+    proposed--('Go off, off! ooh, ooh, ooh! turn him out, out, out!')
+    We are met in a place where religion is taught (groans). Well,
+    then, we are met where they "teach the young idea how to
+    shoot"'--(laughter, groans, and 'Go on, Wall.') Turning to the
+    young _gents_ on the platform, 'You,' quoth Mr. Wall, 'have not
+    read history: you clerks at 16s. a week, with your gold chains and
+    pins.'"
+
+Red hair was first made infamous by JUDAS ISCARIOT; hence the reporter not
+only shows the intensity of his Christianity, but his delicate knowledge
+of human character, by the fine contempt cast upon the felon locks of the
+speaker. Red hair is doubtless the brand of Providence; the mark set upon
+guilty man to give note and warning to his unsuspicious fellow-creatures.
+Like the scarlet light at the North Foreland, it speaks of shoals, and
+sands, and flats. The emperor Commodus, who had all his previous life
+rejoiced in flaxen locks, woke, the morning after his first contest in the
+arena, a red-haired man! But then, with a fine knowledge of the wholesome
+prejudices of the world, he turned the curse upon his head into a beauty;
+for he--powdered it with gold-dust. Could Mr. WALL, of the penny theatre,
+induce the Master of the Mint to play his _coiffeur_, how would the
+reporter fall on his knees and worship the divinity!
+
+Mr. WALL, being of the opposite faction, in addition to the unpowdered
+ignominy of his hair, has also the face of a hyena! This fact opens a
+question too vast for our one solitary page. We lack at least the
+amplitude of a quarto to prove that all men are fashioned, even in the
+womb, with features that shall hereafter beautifully harmonise with the
+politics of the grown creature. Now WALL, being ordained a poor man and a
+Chartist, is endowed with a "laughing hyena" countenance. He even loses
+the vantage ground of our common humanity, and is sunk by his poverty and
+his politics to the condition of a beast, and of a most unamiable beast
+into the bargain. However, the vast enfolding iniquity is yet to be
+displayed and duly shuddered at; for _WALL_, the biped hyena, wears--a
+fustian coat!
+
+As journalists, we trust we have our common share--which is no little--of
+human vanity. Nevertheless, with the highest private opinion of our own
+powers, we feel we can add nothing to the picture drawn by the reporter.
+The fustian coat, with a tongue in every button-hole, discourses on its
+own inwoven infamy.
+
+We recognise with great pleasure a growing custom on the part of political
+reporters to merge the orators and listeners at public meetings in their
+several articles of dress. This practice has doubtless originated in a
+most philosophical consideration of the sympathies between the outer and
+the inner man, and has its source in the earliest records of human life.
+The patriarchs rent their garments in token of the misery that lacerated
+their souls: then rags and tatters were ennobled by sorrow--there was a
+deep sentiment in sackcloth and ashes. We have, however, improved upon the
+ignorance of primitive days; and though we still admit the covering of man
+to be typical of his condition of mind, we wisely keep our respect for
+super-Saxony, and expend contempt and ridicule on corduroy and fustian. We
+yet hope to see the day when certain political meetings will be briefly
+reported as follow:--
+
+    "Faded Blue Coat, with tarnished Brass Buttons, took the chair.
+
+    "Velveteen Jacket moved the first resolution, which was seconded
+    by Check Shirt and Ankle-jacks.
+
+    "Brown Great Coat, with holes in elbows, moved the second
+    resolution--seconded by Greasy Drab Breeches and Dirty Leather
+    Gaiters.
+
+    "After thanks to Blue Coat had been moved by Brown Surtout and
+    Crack under both Arms, the Fustian Jackets departed."
+
+Would not this be quite sufficient? Knowing the philosophy of appearance
+in England, might we not by our imagination supply a truer speech to every
+orator than could be taken down by the most faithful reporter?
+
+Q.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH'S PENCILLINGS.--No. XVI.
+
+[Illustration: THE NEW PARLIAMENTARY MASONS.
+
+"WE HAVE A PLAN, WHICH, FROM ITS ORIGINALITY, SHOULD DRAW DOWN UPON US THE
+GRATITUDE OF THE NATION.... WE PROPOSE THAT, DURING THE PROROGATION, AT
+LEAST, MEMBERS OF PARLIAMENT, SHOULD, LIKE BEAVERS, BUILD THEIR OWN
+HOUSES."
+
+_Vide_ PUNCH, _No. 14, page 162_.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+LIST OF THE PREMIUMS
+
+AWARDED BY THE
+
+HOOKHAM-CUM-SNIVEY LITERARY AND SCIENTIFIC SOCIETY,
+
+FOR THE YEAR 1841.
+
+
+FIRST PREMIUM.
+
+MANAGEMENT OF LANDED PROPERTY.
+
+To Count D'Orsay, for the most approved Essay on Cultivating a Flower Pot,
+and the Expediency of growing Mignionette in preference to Sweet Pea on
+the Window-sills--
+
+    _The Pasteboard Medal of the Society._
+
+
+SECOND PREMIUM.
+
+METHOD OF GROWING PERMANENT WHISKERS.
+
+To Colonel Sibthorp, for a Report of several successful Experiments in
+laying down his own Cheeks for a permanent growth of Whisker, with a
+description of the most approved Hair-fence worn on the Chin, and the
+exact colour adapted to all seasons--
+
+    _The Pasteboard Medal and a Bottle of Balm of Columbia._
+
+
+THIRD PREMIUM.
+
+IMPROVING THE CONDITION OF THE POOR, BY INVENTING A VALUABLE SUBSTITUTE
+FOR MEAT, BREAD, VEGETABLES, AND OTHER MASTICATORY ALIMENT.
+
+To the Poor-Law Commissioners, for their valuable Essay on Cheap Feeding,
+and an Account of several Experiments made in the Unions throughout the
+Kingdom; by which they have satisfactorily demonstrated that a man may
+exist on stewed chips and sawdust--also for their original receipt for
+making light, cheap workhouse soup, with a gallon of water and a
+gooseberry--
+
+    _The Pasteboard Medal and a Mendicity Ticket._
+
+
+FOURTH PREMIUM.
+
+QUANTITY OF BRAINS REQUIRED TO MAKE A MEMBER OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+To Peter Borthwick, for his ingenious Treatise, proving logically that a
+Member requires no Brains, instancing his own case, where the deficiency
+was supplied by the length of his ears--
+
+    _The Pewter Medal, and a Copy of Enfield's Speaker._
+
+
+FIFTH PREMIUM.
+
+AMOUNT OF CASH REQUIRED BY A GENTLEMAN TO KEEP A WALKING-STICK, A PAIR OF
+MOUSTACHES, AND A CIGAR.
+
+To the Society of Law Clerks, for the best Account of how Fifteen
+Shillings a week may be managed, to enable the Possessor to "draw it
+rather brisk" after office-hours in Regent-street, including board and
+lodging for his switch and spurs, and Warren's jet for his Wellingtons--
+
+    _The Tin Medal and a Penny Cuba._
+
+
+SIXTH PREMIUM.
+
+FATTENING ALDERMEN.
+
+To Sir Peter Laurie, for a Bill of Fare of the various viands demolished
+at the Lord Mayors' Dinners for the last ten years--also, for an account
+of certain experiments made to ascertain the contents of the Board of
+Aldermen at City Feasts, by the application of a new regulating-belt,
+called the Gastronometer--
+
+    _A German Silver Medal and a Gravy Spoon._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH'S REVIEW.
+
+THE MEMOIRS OF MADAME LAFFARGE.
+
+    The title, I think, will strike. The fashion, you know, now, is to
+    do away with old prejudices, and to rescue certain characters from
+    the illiberal odium with which custom has marked them. Thus we
+    have a generous Israelite, an amiable cynic, and so on. Now, Sir,
+    I call my play--_The Humane Footpad_.--SYLVESTER DAGGERWOOD.
+
+
+Some four or five seasons since, the eccentric Buckstone produced a
+three-act farce, which, by dint of its after title--_The School for
+Sympathy_--and of much highly comic woe, exhibited in the acting of Farren
+and Nisbett, was presented to uproariously-affected audiences during some
+score nights. The hinge of the mirth was made to turn upon the
+irresistible drollery of one man's running away with another man's wife,
+and the outrageous fun of the consequent suicide of the injured husband;
+the _bons mots_ being most tragically humorous, and the aphorisms of the
+several characters facetiously concatenative of the nouns contained in the
+leading name of the piece--"_Love_ and _Murder_."
+
+Now this was a magnificent idea--one of those brilliant efforts which
+cannot but tend to lift the theatre in the estimation of every man of
+delicacy and education. A new source of attraction was at once
+discovered,--a vast fund of available fuel was suddenly found to recruit
+the cinerulent embers of the drama withal. It became evident that, after
+Joe Miller, the ordinary of Newgate was the funniest dog in the world.
+Manslaughter, arson, and the more practical jokes in the Calendar, were
+already familiar to the stage; it was a refinement of the Haymarket
+authors to introduce those livelier sallies of wit--crim. con. and
+felo-de-se. The "immense coalitions" of all manner of crimes and vices in
+the subsequent "highway school"--the gradual development of every
+unnatural tendency in the youthful Jack Sheppard (another immor-t-al work
+by the author of the afore-lauded comedy)--the celebration, by a classic
+chaunt, of his reaching the pinnacle of depravity; this was the _ne plus
+ultra_ of dramatic invention. Robbers and murderers began to be treated,
+after the Catholic fashion, with extreme unction; audiences were
+intoxicated with the new drop; sympathy became epidemic; everybody was
+bewildered and improved; and nobody went and threw themselves off the
+Monument with a copy of the baleful drama in his pocket!
+
+But the magnificence of the discovery was too large to be grasped by even
+the gluttonous eye of the managers, The Adelphi might overflow--the Surrey
+might quake with reiterated "pitsfull"--still there remained over and
+above the feast-crumbs sufficient for the battenings of other than
+theatrical appetites. Immediately the press-gang--we beg pardon, the
+_press_--arose, and with a mighty throe spawned many monsters. Great
+drama! _Greater Press!_ GREATEST PUBLIC!
+
+Now this was all excellent well as far as it went; but still there was
+something wanted of more reality than the improvisations of a romancist.
+Ainsworth might dip his pen in the grossest epithets; Boz might dabble in
+the mysterious dens of Hebrew iniquity; even Bulwer might hash up to us
+his recollections of St. Giles's dialogue; and yet it was evident that
+they were all the while only "shamming"--only cooking up some dainty dish
+according to a _recipe_, or, as it is still frequently pronounced, a
+_receipt_,--which last, with such writers, will ever be the guide-post of
+their track.
+
+But something more was wanted; and here it is--here, in the Memoirs of
+Marie Cappelle.
+
+This lady, perhaps the most remarkable woman of her age, has published a
+book--half farce, half novel--in which she treats by turns with the
+clap-trap agony of a Bulwer, the quaint sneer of a Dickens, and the
+effrontery of an Ainsworth, that serious charge which employed the careful
+investigation of the most experienced men in France for many weeks, and
+which excited a degree of interest in domestic England almost unexampled
+in the history of foreign trials. This work is published by a gentleman
+who calls himself "Publisher in ordinary to her Majesty," and may be
+procured at any book-seller's by all such as have a guinea and a day's
+leisure at the mercy of the literary charlatan who contrived it.
+
+In the strictest confidence we would suggest, that if a treaty could be
+ratified with Madame Marie Cappelle Laffarge, we do not doubt that our
+nursery--yea, our laundry--maids would learn to spell the precious
+sentences, to their own great edification and that of the children placed
+under their charge.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+OUR TRADE REPORT.
+
+Coals are a shade blacker than they were last week, but not quite so
+heavy; and turnips are much lighter than they have been known for a very
+considerable period.
+
+Great complaints are made of the ticketing system; and persons going to
+purchase shawls, as they supposed, at nine-pence three-farthings each, are
+disgusted at being referred to a very small one pound sixteen marked very
+lightly in pencil immediately before the 9-3/4d., which is very large and
+in very black ink. There were several transactions of this kind during the
+whole morning.
+
+The depressed state of the Gossamer-market has long been a subject of
+conversation among the four-and-niners who frequent the cheap coffee-shops
+in the City; but no one knows the cause of what has taken place, nor can
+they exactly state what the occurrence is that they are so loudly
+complaining of.
+
+Bones continue to fetch a penny for two pounds; but great murmurs are
+heard of the difficulty of making up a pound equal to the very liberal
+weights which the marine-store keepers use when making their _purchases_;
+they, however, make up for it by using much lighter weights when they
+sell, which is so far fair and satisfactory.
+
+The arrivals in baked potatoes have been very numerous; fifty cans were
+entered outwards on Saturday.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+RELATIVE GENTILITY.
+
+Two ladies of St. Giles's disputing lately on the respectability of each
+other's family, concluded the debate in the following way:--"Mrs. Doyle,
+ma'am, I'd have you know that I've an uncle a _bannister_ of the law."
+"Much about your _bannister_," retorted Mrs. Doyle; "haven't I a first
+cousin a _corridor_ in the navy?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+KEEPING IT DARK.
+
+Jim Bones, a free nigger of New York, has a child so exceedingly dark that
+he cannot be seen on the lightest day.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE GENTLEMAN'S OWN BOOK.
+
+REVENONS A NOS MOUTONS--i.e. (for the benefit of country members) to
+return to our mutton, or rather the "trimmings." The ornaments which
+notify the pecuniary superiority of the wearer include chains, rings,
+studs, canes, watches, and purses. _Chains_ should be of gold, and cannot
+be too ostentatiously displayed; for a proper disposition of these
+"braveries" is sure to induce the utmost confidence in the highly useful
+occupants of Pigot's and Robson's Directory. We have seen some waistcoats
+so elaborately festooned, that we would stake our inkstand that the most
+unbelieving money-lender would have taken the personal security of the
+wearer without hesitation. The perfection to which mosaic-work has arrived
+may possibly hold out a strong temptation to the thoughtless to substitute
+the shadow for the reality. Do not deceive yourself; an experienced eye
+will instantly detect the imposition, though your ornaments may be
+
+[Illustration: FRESH EVERY DAY;]
+
+for, we will defy any true gentleman to preserve an equanimity of
+expression under the hint--either visual or verbal--that (to use the
+language of the poet) you are "a man of brass."
+
+We have a faint recollection of a class of gentlemen who used to attach an
+heterogeneal collection of massive seals and keys to one end of a chain,
+and a small church-clock to the other. The chain then formed a pendulum in
+front of their small-clothes, and the dignified oscillation of the
+appendages was considered to distinguish the gentleman. They were also
+used as auxiliaries in argument; for whenever an hiatus occurred in the
+discussion, the speaker, by having resort to his watch-chain, could
+frequently confound his adversary by commencing a series of rapid
+gyrations. But the fashion has descended to merchants, lawyers, doctors,
+_et sui generis_, who never drive bargains, ruin debtors, kill patients,
+_et cetera_, without having recourse to this imposing decoration.
+
+_Rings_ are the next indicators of superfluous cash. As they are _merely
+ornamental_, they should resemble vipers, tapeworms, snakes, toads,
+monkey's, death's heads, and similar engaging and pleasing subjects. The
+more liberally the fingers are enriched, the greater the assurance that
+the hand is never employed in any useful labour, and is consequently only
+devoted to the minisitration of indulgences, and the exhibition of those
+elegant productions which distinguish the highly-civilised gentleman from
+the _highly-tattooed_ savage.
+
+Mourning-rings have an air of extreme respectability; for they are always
+suggestive of a legacy, and of the fact that you have been connected with
+somebody who was not buried at the expense of the parish.
+
+_Studs_ should be selected with the greatest possible care, and in our
+opinion the small gold ones can only be worn by a perfect gentleman; for
+whilst they perform their required office, they do not distract the
+attention from the quality and whiteness of your linen. Some that we have
+seen were evidently intended for cabinet pictures, rifle targets and
+breast-plates.
+
+_Pins._--These necessary adjuncts to the cravat of a gentleman have
+undergone a singular revolution during late years; but we confess we are
+admirers of the present fashion, for if it is desirable to indulge in an
+ornament, it is equally desirable that everybody should be gratified by
+the exhibition thereof. We presume that it is with this commendable
+feeling that pins'-heads (whose smallness in former days became a proverb)
+should now resemble the apex of a beadle's staff; and, as though to make
+"assurance doubly sure," a plurality is absolutely required for the
+decoration of a gentleman. In these times, when political partisanship is
+so exceedingly violent, why not make the pins indicative of the opinions
+of the wearer, as the waistcoat was in the days of Fox. We could suggest
+some very appropriate designs; for instance, the heads of Peel and Wakley,
+connected by a _very_ slight link--Sibthorp and Peter Borthwick by a
+series of long-car rings--Muntz and D'Israeli cut out of very hard wood,
+and united by a hair-chain; and many others too numerous to mention.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+HAMLET'S SOLILOQUY.
+
+PARODIED BY A XX TEETOTALLER.
+
+  To drink, or not to drink? That is the question.
+  Whether 'tis nobler inwardly to suffer
+  The pangs and twitchings of uneasy stomach,
+  Or to take brandy-toddy 'gainst the colic,
+  And by imbibing end it? To drink,--to sleep,--
+  To snore;--and, by a snooze, to say we end
+  The head-ache, and the morning's parching thirst
+  That drinking's heir to;--'tis a consummation
+  Devoutly to be wish'd. To drink,--to pay,--
+  To pay the waiter's bill?--Ay--there's the rub;
+  For in that snipe-like bill, a stop may come,
+  When we would shuffle off our mortal score,
+  Must give us pause. There's the respect
+  That makes sobriety of so long date;
+  For who could bear to hear the glasses ring
+  In concert clear--the chairman's ready toast--
+  The pops of out-drawn corks--the "hip hurrah!"
+  The eloquence of claret--and the songs,
+  Which often through the noisy revel break,
+  When a man--might his quietus make
+  With a full bottle? Who would sober be,
+  Or sip weak coffee through the live-long night;
+  But that the dread of being laid upon
+  That stretcher by policemen borne, on which
+  The reveller reclines,--puzzles me much,
+  And makes me rather tipple ginger beer,
+  Than fly to brandy, or to--
+  [Illustration: --HODGE'S SIN?]
+  Thus poverty doth make us Temp'rance men.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"TRY OUR BEST SYMPATHY."
+
+It is a fact, when the deputation of the distressed manufacturers waited
+upon Sir Robert Peel to represent to him their destitute condition, that
+the Right Honourable Baronet declared he felt the deepest sympathy for
+them. This is all very fine--but we fear greatly, if Sir Robert should be
+inclined to make a commercial speculation of his _sympathy_, that he would
+go into the market with
+
+[Illustration: A VERY SMALL STOCK-IN(G) TRADE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE MAN OF HABIT.
+
+I meet with men of this character very frequently, and though I believe
+that the stiff formality of the past age was more congenial than the
+present to the formation and growth of these peculiar beings, there are
+still a sufficient number of the species in existence for the
+philosophical cosmopolite to study and comment upon.
+
+A true specimen of a _man of habit_ should be an old bachelor,--for
+matrimony deranges the whole clock-work system upon which he piques
+himself. He could never endure to have his breakfast delayed for one
+second to indulge "his soul's far dearer part" with a prolonged morning
+dream; and he dislikes children, because the noisy urchins make a point of
+tormenting him wherever he goes. The Man of Habit has a certain hour for
+all the occupations of his life; he allows himself twenty minutes for
+shaving and dressing; fifteen for breakfasting, in which time he eats two
+slices of toast, drinks two cups of coffee, and swallows two eggs boiled
+for two and a half minutes by an infallible chronometer. After breakfast
+he reads the newspaper, but lays it down in the very heart and pith of a
+clever article on his own side of the question, the moment his time is up.
+He has even been known to leave the theatre at the very moment of the
+_dénouement_ of a deeply-interesting play rather than exceed his limited
+hour by five minutes. He will be out of temper all day, if he does not
+find his hat on its proper nail and his cane in its allotted corner. He
+chooses a particular walk, where he may take his prescribed number of
+turns without interruption, for he would prefer suffering a serious
+inconvenience rather than be obliged to quicken or slacken his pace to
+suit the speed of a friend who might join him. My uncle Simon was a
+character of this cast. I could take it on my conscience to assert that,
+every night for the forty years preceding his death, he had one foot in
+the bed on the first stroke of 11 o'clock, and just as the last chime had
+tolled, that he was enveloped in the blankets to his chin. I have known
+him discharge a servant because his slippers were placed by his bed-side
+for contrary feet; and I have won a wager by betting that he would turn
+the corner of a certain street at precisely three minutes before ten in
+the morning. My uncle used to frequent a club in the City, of which he had
+become the oracle. Precisely at eight o'clock he entered the room--took
+his seat in a leather-backed easy chair in a particular corner--read a
+certain favourite journal--drank two glasses of rum toddy--smoked four
+pipes--and was always in the act of putting his right arm into the sleeve
+of his great-coat, to return home, as the clock struck ten. The cause of
+my uncle's death was as singular as his life was whimsical. He went one
+night to the club, and was surprised to find his seat occupied by a tall
+dark-browed man, who smoked a _meerschaum_ of prodigious size in solemn
+silence. Numerous hints were thrown out to the stranger that the seat had
+by prescriptive right and ancient custom become the property of my uncle;
+he either did not or would not understand them, and continued to keep his
+possession of the leather-backed chair with the most imperturbable
+_sang-froid_. My uncle in despair took another seat, and endeavoured to
+appear as if nothing had occurred to disturb him,--but he could not
+dissimulate. He was pierced to the heart,--and
+
+[Illustration: "I SAW THE IRON ENTER HIS SOLE."]
+
+My uncle left the club half-an-hour before his time; he returned
+home--went to bed without winding his watch--and the next morning he was
+found lifeless in his bed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH'S POLITICAL ECONOMY.
+
+The subject of political economy is becoming so general a portion of
+education, that it will doubtless soon be introduced at the infant schools
+among the other eccentric evolutions or playful whirls of _Mr.
+Wilder-spin_. At it is the fashion to comprehend nothing, but to have a
+smattering of everything, we beg leave to smatter our readers with a very
+thin layer of political economy. In the first place, "political" means
+"political," and "economy" signifies "economy," at least when taken
+separately; but put them together, and they express all kinds of
+extravagance. Political economy contemplates the possibility of labouring
+without work, eating without food, and living without the means of
+subsistence. Social, or individual economy, teaches to live _within_ our
+means; political economy calls upon us to live _without_ them. In the
+debates, when more than usual time has been wasted in talking the most
+_extravagant_ stuff, ten to one that there has been a good deal of
+_political economy_. If you bother a poor devil who is dying of want, and
+speak to him about _consumption_, it is probably "political economy" that
+you will have addressed to him. If you talk to a man sinking with hunger
+about _floating_ capital, you will no doubt have given him the benefit of
+a few hints in "political economy:" while, if to a wretch in tattered rags
+you broach the theory of _rent_, he must be an ungrateful beast indeed if
+he does not appreciate the blessings of "political economy." That "labour
+is wealth" forms one of the most refreshing axioms of this delicious
+science; and if brought to the notice of a man breaking stones on the
+road, he would perhaps wonder where his wealth might be while thinking of
+his labour, but he could not question your proficiency in "political
+economy." In fact, it is the most political and most economical science in
+the world, if it can only be made to achieve its object, which is to
+persuade the hard-working classes that they are the richest people in the
+universe, for their labour gives value, and value gives wealth; but who
+gets the value and the wealth is a consideration that does not fall within
+the province of "political economy."
+
+There is another branch of the subject at which we shall merely glance;
+but one hint will open up a wide field of observation to the student. The
+branch to which we allude is the tremendous extent to which political
+economy is carried by those who interfere so much in politics with so very
+little political knowledge, and who consequently display a most surprising
+share of "political economy,"
+
+As a very little goes a great way, and particularly as the most diminutive
+portion of knowledge communicated by ourselves is, like the "one small
+pill constituting a dose," much more efficacious than the 40 Number Ones
+and 50 Number Twos of the mere quacks, we close for the present our
+observations on _Political Economy_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+ON THE KEY-VIVE.
+
+There can be no doubt as to the _primâ facie_ evidence of the hostile
+intentions of the destroyed American steamer, with respect to the
+disaffected on Navy Island, as, from the acknowledged inquisitiveness of
+the gentler sex, there can be no doubt that _Caroline_ would have a
+natural predilection for
+
+[Illustration: PRIVATE (H)EERING.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+LAST NEW SAYINGS.
+
+_Come, none of your raillery_; as the stage-coach indignantly said to the
+steam-engine.
+
+_That "strain" again_; as the Poor-law Commissioner generously said to the
+water-gruel sieve.
+
+_I paid very dear for my whistle_; as the steam-engine emphatically said
+to the railroad.
+
+_Peel for ever!_ as the church bells joyously said to Conservative hearts.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+There is at present a man in New York whose temper is so exceedingly hot
+that he invariably reduces all his shirts to tinder.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH'S THEATRE.
+
+THE MAID OF HONOUR.
+
+The Adelphi "Correspondent from Paris" has favoured that Theatre with an
+adaptation of Scribe's "_Verre d'Eau_," which he has called "The Maid of
+Honour."
+
+Everybody must remember that, last year, the trifling affair of the
+British Government was settled by the far more momentous consideration of
+who should be Ladies of the Bed-chamber. The Parisians, seeing the
+dramatic capabilities of this incident, put it into a farce, resting the
+whole affair upon the shoulders of a former Queen whose Court was
+similarly circumstanced. This is the piece which Mr. Yates has had the
+daring to get done into English, and transplanted into Spain, and
+interspersed with embroidery, confectionary, and a Spanish sentence; the
+last judiciously entrusted to that accomplished linguist, Mr. John
+Saunders.
+
+Soon after the rising of the curtain, we behold the figure of Mr. Yates
+displayed to great advantage in the dress usually assigned to _Noodle_ and
+_Doodle_ in the tragedy of "Tom Thumb." He represents the _Count
+Ollivarez_, and the head of a political party--the opposition. The Court
+faction having for its chief the _Duchess of Albafurez_, who being
+Mistress of the Queen's robes is of course her favourite; for the
+millinery department of the country which can boast of a Queen Regnant is
+of far higher importance than foreign or financial affairs, justice,
+police, or war--consequently, the chief of the wardrobe is far more
+exalted and better beloved than a mere Premier or Secretary of State. The
+Count is planning an intrigue, the agents of which are to be _Henrico_, a
+Court page, and _Felicia_, a court milliner. Not being able to make much
+of the page, he turns over a new leaf, and addresses himself to the
+dress-maker; so, after a few preliminary hems, he draws out the thread of
+his purpose to her, and cuts out an excellent pattern for her guidance,
+which if she implicitly follow will assuredly make her a Maid of Honour.
+
+A comedy without mystery is Punch without a joke; Yates without a speech
+to the audience on a first night; or Bartley's pathos without a
+pocket-handkerchief. The Court page soon opens the book of _imbroglio_. He
+is made a Captain of the Queen's Guard by some unknown hand; he has always
+been protected by the same unseen benefactor, who, as if to guard him from
+every ill that flesh is heir to, showers on him his or her favours upon
+condition that he never marries! "Happy man," exclaims the Count. "Not at
+all," answers the other, "I am in love with _Felicia_!" Nobody is
+surprised at this, for it is a rule amongst dramatists never to forbid the
+banns until the banned, poor devil, is on the steps of the altar.
+_Henrico_, now a Captain, goes off to flesh his sword; meets with an
+insult, and by the greatest good luck kills his antagonist in the
+precincts of the palace; so that if he be not hanged for murder, his
+fortune is made. The victim is the Count's cousin, to whom he is next of
+kin. "Good Heavens!" ejaculates _Ollivarez_, "You have made yourself a
+criminal, and me--a Duke! Horrible!"
+
+By the way, this same _Henrico_, as performed by that excellent swimmer
+(in the water-piece), Mr. Spencer Forde, forms a very entertaining
+character. His imperturbable calmness while uttering the heart-stirring
+words, assigned by the author to his own description of the late
+affair-of-honourable assassination, was highly edifying to the philosophic
+mind. The pleasing and amiable tones in which he stated how irretrievably
+he was ruined, the dulcet sweetness of the farewell to his heart's adored,
+the mathematical exactitude of his position while embracing her, the cool
+deliberation which marked his exit--offered a picture of calm stoicism
+just on the point of tumbling over the precipice of destruction not to be
+equalled--not, at least, since those halcyon dramatic days when
+Osbaldiston leased Covent Garden, and played _Pierre_.
+
+Somehow or other--for one must not be too particular about the wherefores
+of stage political intrigues--_Felicia_ is promoted from the office of
+making dresses for the Queen to that of putting them on. Behold her a maid
+of honour and of all-work; for the Queen takes her into her confidence,
+and in that case people at Court have an immense variety of duties to
+perform. The Duchess's place is fast becoming a sinecure, and she trembles
+for her influence--perhaps, in case of dismissal, for her next quarter's
+salary to boot--so she shakes in her shoes.
+
+It is at this stage of the plot that we perceive why the part of _Henrico_
+was entrusted to the gentleman who plays it,--the mystery we have alluded
+to being by this arrangement very considerably increased; for we now learn
+that no fewer than three ladies in the piece are in love with him, namely,
+_Felicia_, the Queen, and the Duchess. Now the most penetrating auditor
+would never, until actually informed of the fact, for a moment suspect a
+Queen, or even a Duchess, of such bad taste; for, as far as our experience
+goes, we have generally found that women do not cast their affections to
+men who are sheepish, insensible, cold, ungainly, with small voices, and
+not more than five feet high. Surprise artfully excited and cleverly
+satisfied is the grand aim of the dramatist. How completely is it here
+fulfilled! for when we discover that the personator of Henrico is meant
+for an Adonis, we _are_ astonished.
+
+The truth is then, that the secret benefactor of this supposed-to-be
+irresistible youth has always been the _Duchess Albafurez_, who, learning
+from _Ollivarez_ that her pet has new claims upon her heart for having
+killed her friend the Duke, determines to assist him to escape, which
+however is not at all necessary, for Ollivarez is entrusted with the
+warrant for apprehending the person or persons unknown who did the murder.
+But could he injure the man who has made him a Duke by a lucky
+_coup-d'épée_? No, no. Let him cross the frontier; and, when he is out of
+reach, what thundering denunciations will not the possessor of the dukedom
+fulminate against the killer of his cousin! It is shocking to perceive how
+intimately acquainted old Scribe must be with manners, customs, and
+feelings, as they exist at Court.
+
+The necessary passports are placed before the Queen for her signature
+(perhaps her Spanish Majesty can't afford clerks); but when she perceives
+whom they threaten to banish from behind her chair, she declines honouring
+them with her autograph. The Duchess thus learns her secret. "She, too,
+love Henrico? Well I never!" About this time a tornado of jealousy may be
+expected; but court etiquette prevents it from bursting; and the Duchess
+reserves her revenge, the Queen sits down to her embroidery frame, and one
+is puzzled to know what is coming next.
+
+This puzzle was not on Monday night long in being resolved. _Ollivarez_
+entered, and a child in the gallery commenced crying with that persevering
+quality of tone which threatens long endurance. Mr. Yates could not resist
+the temptation; and Ollivarez, the newly-created Duke of Medina, promised
+the baby a free admission for four, any other night, if it would only
+vacate the gallery just then. These terms having been assented to by a
+final screech, the infant left the gallery. After an instant's
+pause--during which the Manager tapped his forehead, as much as to say,
+"Where did I leave off?"--the piece went on.
+
+We had no idea till last night how difficult it was for a Queen to indulge
+in a bit of flirtation! A most elaborate intrigue is, it seems, necessary
+to procure for her a tender interview with her innamorato. A plan was
+invented, whose intricacy would have bothered the inventor of
+spinning-jennies, whereby _Henrico_ was to be closeted with her most
+Christian Majesty,--its grand accomplishment to take place when the Queen
+called for a glass of ice (the original _Scribe_ wrote "water," but the
+Adelphi adapter thought ice would be more natural, for fear the piece
+should run till Christmas). The Duchess overhears the entire plot, but
+fails in frustrating it. Hence we find _Henrico, Felicia_, and the Queen
+together, going through a well-contrived and charmingly-conducted scene of
+equivoque--the Queen questioning _Henrico_ touching the state of his
+heart, and he answering her in reference to _Felicia_, who is leaning over
+the embroidery frame behind the Queen, and out of her sight.
+
+This felicitous situation is interrupted by the spiteful Duchess; the
+lover escapes behind the window curtains to avoid scandal--is discovered,
+and his sovereign's reputation is only saved by the declaration of
+Felicia, that the Captain is there on _her_ account. Ollivarez asserts
+that they are married, to clench the fib--the Queen sees her folly--the
+Duchess is disgraced--all the characters stand in the well-defined
+semicircle which is the stage method of writing the word "finis"--Mrs.
+Yates speaks a very neat and pointed "tag"--and that's all.
+
+For this two-act Comidetta, dear Yates, we pronounce absolution and
+remission of thy sins, so wickedly committed in the washy melo-drama, and
+cackling vaudeville, thou hast recently affronted common-sense withal!
+Thine own acting as the courtier was natural, except when thou didst
+interpolate the dialogue with the baby--a crying sin, believe us. Else,
+thy bows were graceful; and thy shoulder-shrugs--are they not chronicled
+in the mind's eye of thy most distant admirers? The little touches of
+humour that shone forth in the dialogue assigned to thee, were not
+exaggerated by the too-oft-indulged-in grimaces--in short, despite thy too
+monstrous _chapeau-bras_--which was big enough for a life-boat--thou
+lookedst like a Duke, a gentleman, and what in truth thou really art--an
+indefatigable _intriguant_. Thy favoured help-mate, too, gave a reality to
+the scene by her captivating union of queenly dignity and feminine
+tenderness. But most especially fortunate art thou in thy Felicia. Alas
+for our hunch and our hatchet nose! but O, alas! and alas! that we have a
+Judy! for never did we regret all three so deeply as while Miss Ellen
+Chaplin was on the stage. In our favourite scene with the Queen and her
+lover, how graceful and expressive were her dumb answers to what ought to
+have been Henrico's eloquent declarations, spoken _through_ the Queen. We
+charge thee, dear friend, to "call" her on Monday morning at eleven, and
+to rehearse unto her what we are going to say. Tell her that as she is
+young, a bright career is before her if she will not fall into the sin of
+copying some other favourite actress--say, for instance, Mrs.
+Yates--instead of our arch-mistress, Nature; say, moreover, that at the
+same time, she must be unwearying in acquiring _art_; lastly, inform her,
+that Punch has his eye upon her, and will scold her if she become a
+backslider and an imitator of other people's faults.
+
+As to poor Mr. _Spencer_ Forde, he, too, is young; and you do wrong, O
+Yates! in giving him a part he will be unequal to till he grows big enough
+for a coat. A smaller part would, we doubt not, suit him excellently.
+
+Lastly, give our best compliments to Mrs. Fosbroke, to the illustrious Mr.
+Freeborn, to Mr. John Saunders, and our especial commendations to thy
+scene-painter, thy upholsterer, and the gentleman lamp-lighter thou art so
+justly proud of; for each did his and her best to add a charm to "The Maid
+of Honour."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+1, October 30, 1841, by Various
+
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