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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1,
+October 23, 1841, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, October 23, 1841
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14933]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG
+Online Distributed Proofreading
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 1.
+
+
+
+FOR THE WEEK ENDING OCTOBER 23, 1841.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE GREAT CREATURE.
+
+Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk was a tall young man, a thin young man, a
+pale young man, and, as some of his friends asserted, a decidedly
+knock-kneed young man. Moreover he was a young man belonging to and
+connected with the highly respectable firm of Messrs. Tims and Swindle,
+attorneys and bill-discounters, of Thavies'-inn, Holborn; from the which
+highly respectable firm Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk received a salary
+of one pound one shilling per week, in requital for his manifold services.
+The vocation in which Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk laboured partook
+peculiarly of the peripatetic; for at all sorts of hours, and through all
+sorts of streets was Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk daily accustomed to
+transport his anatomy--presenting overdue bills, inquiring after absent
+acceptors, invisible indorsers, and departed drawers, for his masters, and
+wearing out, as he Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk eloquently expressed
+it, "no end of boots for himself." Such was the occupation by which Mr.
+Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk lived; but such was not the peculiar path to
+fame for which his soul longed. No! "he had seen plays, and longed to
+blaze upon the stage a star of light."
+
+That portion of time which was facetiously called by Messrs. Tims and
+Swindle "the leisure" of Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk, being some
+eight hours out of the twenty-four, was spent in poring over the glorious
+pages of the immortal bard; and in the desperate enthusiasm of his heated
+genius would he, Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk, suddenly burst forth in
+some of the most exciting passages, and with Stentorian lungs "render
+night hideous" to the startled inhabitant of the one-pair-back, adjoining
+the receptacle of his own truckle-bed and mortal frame.
+
+Luck, whether good or evil, begat Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk an
+introduction to some other talented young gentlemen, who had so far
+progressed in histrionic acquirements, that from spouting themselves, they
+had taken to spouting their watches, and other stray articles of small
+value, to enable them to pay the charges of a private theatre, where, as
+often as they could raise the needful, they astonished and delighted their
+wondering friends. Among this worshipful society was Mr. Horatio
+Fitzharding Fitzfunk adopted and enrolled as a trusty and well-beloved
+member; and in the above-named private theatre, in suit of solemn black,
+slightly relieved by an enormous white handkerchief, and a well-chalked
+countenance, did Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk, at or about the hour of
+half past eight--being precisely sixty minutes behind the period
+announced, in consequence of the non-arrival of the one fiddle and ditto
+flute comprising, or rather that ought to have comprised, the
+orchestra--made his début, and a particularly nervous bow to the good
+folks there assembled, "as and for" the character "of Hamlet, the Danish
+Prince."
+
+To describe the "exclamations of delight," the "tornadoes of applause,"
+the earthquakes of rapture, or the "breathless breathing" of the entranced
+audience, would beat Mr. Bunn into fits, and the German company into
+fiddle-cases; so, like a newspaper legacy, which is the only one that
+never pays duty, we "_leave_ it to our reader's imagination."
+
+The die was cast. Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk's former avocations
+became intensely irksome--if he served a writ it was no longer a "writ of
+right." Copies for "Jenkins" were consigned to "Tompkins;" "Brown"
+declined pleading to "Smith" and Smith declared off Brown's declaration.
+In inquiries after "solvent acceptors," Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk
+was still more abroad. In the mystification of his brains, all answers
+seemed to be delivered "per contra." Forlorn hopes on three-and sixpenny
+stamps were converted into the circulating medium; "good actors" were
+considered "good men" in the very reverse of Shylock's acceptation of the
+term; and astonished indorsers succeeded in "raising the wind" upon
+"kites" they would have bet any odds no "wind in the world could induce to
+fly." Everything in this world must come to an end--bills generally do in
+three months: so did these, and so did Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk's
+responsible and peripatetic avocations in the highly respectable firm of
+Messrs. Tims and Swindle, attorneys, and to their cost, through the agency
+of Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk, bill-discounters, of Thavies' Inn,
+Holborn; they, the said highly respectable firm of Tims and Swindle,
+handing over to Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk the sum of four and
+tenpence, being the balance of his quarter's salary, which, so great was
+Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk's opinion of the solvency of the said
+highly respectable firm, he had allowed to remain undrawn in their hands,
+together with a note utterly and totally declining any further service or
+assistance as "_in_" or "_out_door" or any sort of clerk at all, from Mr.
+Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk, and amiably recommending the said Horatio to
+apply elsewhere for a character; the which advice Mr. Horatio Fitzharding
+Fitzfunk attended to instanter, and received, in consideration of the sum
+of thirty shillings, that of "Richard the Third" from the Dramatic
+Committee of Catherine Street. If Hamlet was good, Richard (among the
+amateurs) was better; and if Richard was better, Shylock (at "one five")
+was best, and Romeo and all the rest better still: and it may be worthy of
+remark, that there is no person on earth looked upon by admiring managers
+as more certain of success than the "promising young man who PAYS for his
+parts."
+
+Now it so happened that Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk's purse became an
+exceedingly "Iago"-like, "something, nothing, trashy" sort of affair--in
+other words, that its owner, Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk, was
+regularly stumped; and as the Amateur Dramatic Theatrical Committee
+"always go upon the _no pay no play system_," Mr. Horatio Fitzharding
+Fitzfunk was about to incur the fate of Lord John Russell's tragedy, and
+become regularly "shelved."
+
+In this dilemma Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk addressed all sorts of
+letters to all sorts of managers, offering himself for all sorts of
+salaries, to play the best of all sorts of business, but never received
+any sort of answer from one of them! Returning to his solitary lodging,
+after a fortnight's "half and half" of patience and despair, and just as
+despair was walking poor patience to Old Harry, Mr. Horatio Fitzharding
+Fitzfunk encountered one of his histrionic acquaintance, who did the
+"three and sixpenny walking gents," and dramatic general postmen, or
+letter-deliverers, at "the Private." In the course of the enlightened
+conversation between the said friend, Mr. Julius Dilberry Pipps, and Mr.
+Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk, Julius Dilberry Pipps expressed an earnest
+wish that he "might be blowed considerably tighter than the Vauxhall
+balloon if ever he _see_ such a likeness of Mr. Hannibal Fitzflummery
+Fitzflam," the "great actor of the day," as his "_bussom_ and intimate,"
+Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk! A nervous pressure of Mr. Horatio
+Fitzharding Fitzfunk's "pickers and stealers" having nearly reduced to one
+vast chaos the severely compressed digits of the enthusiastic Julius
+Dilberry Pipps, the invisible green broad-cloth envelopments and drab
+lower encasements, crowned with gossamer and based with calf-skin, wherein
+the total outward man of Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk was enrobed,
+together with his ambulating anatomy, evanished from the startled gaze of
+the deserted and finger-contused Julius Dilberry Pipps! Having asserted
+the entire realisation of his hastily-formed wish, in the emphatic words,
+"Well, I _am_ blowed!" and a further comment, stating his conviction that
+"this was _rayther_ a rummy go," Mr. Julius Dilberry Pipps reduced his
+exchequer the gross amount of threepence, paid in consideration of the
+instant receipt of "a pint o'porter and screw," to the fumigation of which
+he applied with such excessive vigour, that in a few moments he might be
+said, by his own exertions in "blowing a cloud," to be corporeally as well
+as mentally "in nubibus."
+
+To account for the rapid departure of Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk, we
+must inform our readers the supposed similarity alluded to by Julius
+Dilberry Pipps, between the "great creature," Hannibal Fitzflummery
+Fitzflam, and Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk, had been before frequently
+insisted upon: and this assertion of the obtuse Julius Dilberry Pipps now
+seemed "confirmation strong as proof of holy writ." Agitated with
+conflicting emotions, and regardless of small children and apple-stalls,
+Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk rushed on with headlong speed, every now
+and then ejaculating, "I'll do it, I'll do it!" A sudden overhauling of
+his pockets produced some stray halfpence; master of a "Queen's head," a
+sheet of vellum, a new "Mordaunt," and an "envelope," Mr. Horatio
+Fitzharding Fitzfunk, arrived at his three-pair-back, indited an epistle
+to the manager at the town of ----, with extraordinary haste signed the
+document, and, in "the hurry of the moment," left the inscription
+thus--H.F. FITZFLAM! The morrow's post brought an answer; the terms were
+acceded to, the night appointed for his opening; and Mr. Horatio
+Fitzharding Fitzfunk found, upon inspecting the proof of the playbill, the
+name in full of "_Mr. Hannibal Fitzflummery Fitzflam_," "the great
+tragedian of the day!"
+
+Pass we over the intervening space, and at once come to the momentous
+morning of rehearsal. The expected Roscius arrived like punctuality's
+self, at the appointed minute, was duly received by the company, who had
+previously been canvassing his merits, and assuring each other that all
+stars were _muffs_, but Fitzflam one of the most impudent impostors that
+ever moved. "I, sir," said the leader of the discontented
+fifteen-shillings-a-week-when-they-could-get-it squad, "I have been in the
+_profession_ more years than this fellow has months, and he is getting
+hundreds where I am neglected: never mind! only give me a chance, and I'll
+show him up. But I suppose the management--(pretty management, to engage
+such a chap when I'm here)--I suppose they will truckle to him, and send
+me on, as usual, for some wretched old bloke there's no getting a hand in.
+John Kemble himself (and I'm told I'm in his style), I say, John Kemble,
+my prototype, the now immortal John, never got applause in
+'_Blokes!_'--But never mind." As a genealogist would say, "Fitz the son of
+Funk" never more truly represented his ancestral cognomen than on this
+trying occasion. He was no longer with amateurs, but regulars,--fellows
+that could "talk and get on somehow;" that were never known to stick in
+Richard, when they remembered a speech from George Barnwell; men with
+"swallows" like Thames tunnels: in fact, accomplished "gaggers" and
+unrivalled "wing watchers." However, as Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk
+spoke to none of them, crossed where he liked, cut out most of _their_
+best speeches, and turned _all_ their _backs_ to the audience, he passed
+muster exceedingly well, and acted the genuine star with considerable
+effect. So it was at night. Some folks objected to his knees, to be sure;
+but then they were silenced--"What! Fitzflam's knees bad! Nonsense!
+Fitzflam is the thing in London; and do you think Fitzflam ought to be
+decried in the provinces? hasn't he been lithographed by Lane? Pooh!
+impudence! spite!" The great _name_ made Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk
+"the great man," and all went swimmingly. On the last night of his
+engagement, the night devoted to his benefit, the house was crammed, and
+Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk, reflecting that all was "cock sure," as
+he should pocket the proceeds and return to London undiscovered, was
+elevated to Mahomet's seventh heaven of happiness, awaiting with
+impatience the prompter's whistle and the raising of the curtain: where
+for a time we will leave him, and attend upon the real "Simon Pure"--the
+genuine and "old original Hannibal Fitzflummery Fitzflam."
+
+(_To be continued._)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+ATRY-ANGLE.
+
+SIR R. PEEL has been recently so successful in fishing for adherents,
+that, since bobbing so cleverly for Wakley, he has baited his hook afresh,
+and intends to start for Minto House forthwith; having his eye upon a
+certain small fish that is ever seen _Russell_ing among the sedges in
+troubled waters. We trust Sir Bob will succeed this time in
+
+[Illustration: FISHING FOR JACK.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH'S COMMISSION TO INQUIRE INTO THE GENERAL DISTRESS.
+
+
+I.--_Copy of a Letter from the Under Secretary of State to Punch._
+
+Downing-street.
+
+Sir,--Knowing that you are everywhere, the Secretary of State has desired
+me to request you will inquire into the alleged distress, and particularly
+into the fact of people who it is alleged are so unreasonable in their
+expectations of food, as to die because they cannot get any.
+
+I have the honour to be, &c.
+
+HORATIO FITZ-SPOONY
+
+
+II.--_Copy of Punch's Letter to the Under Secretary of State._
+
+Sir,--I have received your note. I am everywhere; but as everything is gay
+when I make my appearance, I have not seen much of the distress you speak
+of. I shall, however, make it my business to look the subject up, and will
+convey my report to the Government.
+
+I think it no honour to be yours, &c.; but
+
+I have the very great honour to be myself without any &c.
+
+PUNCH.
+
+In compliance with the above correspondence, Punch proceeded to make the
+necessary inquiries, and very soon was enabled to forward the following
+
+REPORT ON THE PUBLIC DISTRESS.
+
+
+_To Her Majesty's Secretary of State for the Home Department._
+
+Sir,--In compliance with my undertaking to inquire into the public
+distress, I went into the manufacturing districts, where I had heard that
+several families were living in one room with nothing to eat, and no bed
+to lie upon. Now, though it is true that there are in some places as many
+as thirty people in one apartment, I do not think their case very
+distressing, because, at all events, they have the advantage of society,
+which could not be the case if they were residing in separate apartments.
+It is clear that their living together must be a matter of choice, because
+I found in the same town several extensive mansions inhabited by one or
+two people and a few servants; and there are also some hundreds of houses
+wholly untenanted. Now, if we multiply the houses by the rooms in them,
+and then divide by the number of the population, we should find that there
+will be an average of three attics and two-sitting-rooms for each family
+of five persons, or an attic and a half with one parlour for every two and
+a half individuals; and though one person and a half would find it
+inconvenient to occupy a sleeping room and three-quarters, I think my
+calculation will show you that the accounts of the insufficiency of
+lodging are gross and wicked exaggerations, only spread by designing
+persons to embarrass the Government.
+
+With regard to the starvation part of the question, I have made every
+possible inquiry, and it is true that several people have died because
+they would not eat food; for the facts I shall bring to your notice will
+prove that no one can have perished from the _want_ of it. Now, after
+visiting a family, which I was told were in a famishing state, what was my
+surprise to observe a baker's shop exactly opposite their lodging, whilst
+a short way down the street there was a butcher's also! The family
+consisted of a husband and wife, four girls, eight boys, and an infant of
+three weeks old, making in all fifteen individuals. They told me they were
+literally dying of hunger, and that they had applied to the vestry, who
+had referred them to the guardians, who had referred them to the overseer,
+who had referred them to the relieving officer, who had gone out of town,
+and would be back in a week or two. Not even supposing there were a brief
+delay in attending to their case, at least by the proper authorities, you
+will perceive that I have already alluded to a baker's and a butcher's,
+_both_ (it will scarcely be believed at the Home-office) in the _very
+street_ the family were residing in. Being determined to judge for myself,
+I counted personally the number of four-pound loaves in the baker's
+window, which amounted to thirty-six, while there were twenty-five
+two-pound loaves on the shelves, to say nothing of fancy-bread and flour
+_ad libitum_. But let us take the loaves alone,
+
+                           36 loaves, each weighing four pounds,
+    Multiplied by           4
+                          ---
+    will give             144 pounds of wheaten bread;
+    To which must be added 50 pounds (the weight of the 25 half-qtns.),
+                          ---
+    Making a total of     194 pounds of good wholesome bread,
+
+which, if divided amongst a family of fifteen, would give 12 pounds and 14
+fractions of a pound to each individual. Knocking off the baby, for the
+sake of uniformity, and striking out the mother, both of whom might be
+supposed to take the fancy bread and the flour, which I have not included
+in my calculation, and in order to get even numbers, supposing that 194
+pounds of bread might become 195 pounds by over weight, we should get the
+enormous quantity of fifteen full pounds weight of bread, or a stone and
+one-fourteenth, (more, positively, than anybody ought to eat), for the
+husband and each of the children (except the baby, who gets a moiety of
+the rolls) belonging to this _starving family_!!! You will see, Sir, how
+shamefully matters have been misrepresented by the Anti-Corn-Law
+demagogues; but let us now come to the butcher's meat.
+
+It will hardly be credited that I counted no less than fourteen sheep
+hanging up in the shop I have alluded to, while there was a bullock being
+skinned in the back yard, and a countless quantity of liver and lights all
+over the premises. Knocking off the infant again for the sake of
+uniformity, you will perceive that the fourteen sheep would be one sheep
+each for every member of this family, including the mother, to whom we
+gave half the rolls and flour in the former case, and there still remains
+(to say nothing of the entire bullock for the baby of three weeks, which
+no one will deny to be sufficient) a large quantity of lights, et cetera,
+for the cat or dog, if there should be such a wilful extravagance in the
+family. With these facts I close my report, and I trust that you will see
+how thoroughly I have proved the assertion of the Duke of Wellington--that
+if there is distress, it must be in some way quite unconnected with a want
+of food, for there is plenty to eat in every part of the country.
+
+I shall be happy to undertake further inquiries, and shall have no
+objection to consider myself regularly under Government.
+
+Yours obediently,
+
+PUNCH.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE TEA SERVICE ON SEA SERVICE.
+
+LORD JOCELYN, in his recent work upon China, while writing upon the
+pastimes and amusements of the people, expresses great satisfaction at the
+entertainment afforded travellers in their private assemblies; though he
+confesses, as a general principle, he should always avoid making one in
+the more promiscuous
+
+[Illustration: CHINESE JUNKETTING.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE HEIR OF APPLEBITE.
+
+
+CHAPTER VII.
+
+CONTAINS A VERY FAIR BILL OF FARE.
+
+
+[Illustration: S]Simultaneously with the last chord of the last quadrille
+the important announcement was made that supper was ready--a piece of
+information that produced a visible commotion among the party. Young
+gentlemen who had incautiously engaged old or ugly partners evinced a
+decided desire to get rid of them, or, by the expression of their
+countenances, seemed to be inwardly cursing their unfortunate situation.
+Young ladies in whose bosoms the first "slight predilection" had taken up
+a residence, experienced, they knew not why, a mental and physical
+prostration at the absence of Orlando Sims or Tom Walker, who (how
+provoking!) were doing the gallant to some "horrid disagreeable
+coquettes."  Mamas, who really did like a good supper, and considered it
+an integral portion of their daily sustenance, crowded towards the door
+that led to the comestibles, fearing that they might not get eligible
+situations before the solids, but be placed among the bashful young
+gentlemen, who linger to the last to pull off their gloves in order to
+pull them on again, and look as though they considered they ought to be
+happy and were extremely surprised that they were not.
+
+The arrangement of the supper-table displayed the deep research of
+Mesdames Applebite and Waddledot in the mysteries of gastronomical
+architecture. Pagodas of barley-sugar glistened in the rays of thirty-six
+wax candles and four Argand lamps--parterres of jellies, gravelled round
+with ratafias or valanced with lemon-peel, trembled as though in sympathy
+with the agitated bosoms of their delicate concocters--custards freckled
+with nutmeg clustered the crystal handles of their cups
+together--sarcophagi of pound cakes frowned, as it were, upon the
+sweetness which surrounded them--whilst fawn-coloured elephants (from the
+confectionary menagerie of the celebrated Simpson of the Strand) stood
+ready to be slaughtered. Huge stratified pies courted the inquiries of
+appetite. Chickens boiled and roast reposed on biers of blue china
+bedecked with sprigs of green parsley and slices of yellow lemon. Tanks of
+golden sherry and
+
+[Illustration: FULL-BODIED PORTE]
+
+wooed the thirsty revellers; and never since the unlucky
+dessert of Mother Eve have temptations been so willingly embraced. The
+carnage commenced--spoons dived into the jelly--knives lacerated the
+poultry and the raised pies--a colony of custards vanished in a
+moment--the elephants were demolished by "ivories[1]"--the sarcophagi were
+buried--and the glittering pagodas melted rapidly before the heat and the
+attacks of four little ladies in white muslin and pink sashes. The tanks
+of sherry and port were distributed by the young gentlemen into the
+glasses and over the dresses of the young ladies. The tipsy-cake, like the
+wreck of the _Royal George_, was rescued from the foaming ocean in which
+it had been imbedded. The diffident young gentlemen grew very red about
+the eyes, and very loquacious about the "next set after supper;" whilst
+the faces of the elderly ladies all over lie room looked like the red
+lamps on Westminster Bridge, and ought to have been beacons to warn the
+inexperienced that where they shone there was very little water. The
+violent clattering of the plates was at length succeeded by a succession
+of merry giggles and provoking little screams, occasioned by the rapid
+discharge of a park of _bonbons_.
+
+    [1] _Anglicè_, Teeth.--THE _one_ PIERCE.
+
+Where the "slight predilection" was reciprocated, the Orlando Simses and
+the Tom Walkers were squeezing in beside the blushing idols of their
+worship and circling the waists of their divinities with their arms, in
+order to take up less room on the rout-stool.
+
+Mamas were shaking heads at daughters who had ventured upon a tenth sip of
+a glass of sherry. Papas were getting extremely jocular about the
+probability of becoming grand-dittos. Everybody else was doing exactly
+what everybody pleased, when Mrs. Applebite's uncle John emerged from
+behind an epergne, and vociferously commanded everybody to charge their
+glasses; a requisition which nobody was bold enough to dispute. Uncle John
+then wiped his lips in the table-cloth, and proceeded to inform the
+company of a fact that was universally understood, that they had met there
+to celebrate the first dental dawn of the heir of Applebite. "I have only
+to refer you," said uncle John, "to the floor of the next room for the
+response to my request--namely, that you will drain your glasses; and, in
+the words of nephew Agamemnon Collumpsion Applebite, 'partake of our
+dental delight.'" This eloquent address was followed by immense cheering
+and a shower of sherry bottoms, which the gentlemen in their "entusymusy"
+scattered around them as Hesperus is reported to dispense his tee-total
+drops.
+
+Nothing could be going on better--no woman could feel prouder than Mrs.
+Waddledot, when--we hope you don't anticipate the catastrophe--when two of
+the Argand lamps gave olfactory demonstrations of dissolution. Sperm oil
+is a brilliant illuminator, but we never knew any one except an Esquimaux,
+or a Russian, who preferred it to lavender-water as a perfume. Old John
+was in a muddle of misery--evidently
+
+[Illustration: LOOKING DOWN UPON HIS LUCK.--]
+
+and was only relieved from his embarrassment by the following fortunate
+occurrence:--
+
+By-the-bye, we have just recollected that we have an invitation to dinner.
+Reader--_au revoir_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+NEW WORKS NOW IN THE PRESS.
+
+An Abstract and Brief Chronicle of the Times. Very small duodecimo. By Mr.
+ROEBUCK.
+
+A New Dissertation on the Anatomy of the Figures of the Multiplication
+Table. By JOSEPH HUME.
+
+Outlines of the Late Ministry, after _Ten Years_ (Teniers). By Lord
+MELBOURNE.
+
+Recollections of Place. By Lord JOHN RUSSELL.
+
+Mythological Tract upon the Heathen Deity Cupid. By Lord PALMERSTON.
+
+Explanatory Annotations on the Abstruse Works of the late Joseph (_vulgo_
+Joe) Miller. With a humorous etching of his tombstone, and Original
+Epitaph. By Colonel SIBTHORP.
+
+Also, by the same Author, an Ornithological Treatise on the various
+descriptions of Water-fowl; showing the difference between Russia and
+other Ducks, and why the former are invariably sold in pairs.
+
+A few words on Indefinite Subjects, supposed to be Sir Robert Peel's
+Future Intentions. By Mr. WAKLEY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+AMERICAN CONGRESS.
+
+We hasten to lay before our readers the following authentic reports of the
+latest debates in the United States' Congress, which have been forwarded
+to us by our peculiarly and especially exclusive Reporters.
+
+_New York._--The greatest possible excitement exists here, agitating alike
+the bosoms of the Whites, the Browns, and the Blacks; a universal sympathy
+appears to exist among all classes, the greater portion of whom are
+looking exceedingly blue. The all-absorbing question as to whether the
+"war is to be or not to be," seems an exceedingly difficult one to answer.
+One party says "Yes," and another party says "No," and a third party says
+the above parties "Lie in their teeth;" and thereupon issue is joined, and
+bowie-knives are exchanged--the "Yes" walking away with "No's" sheathed in
+the middle of his back, and the "No" making up for his loss by securing
+the "Yes's" somewhere between his ribs. All the black porters are looking
+out for light jobs, and rushing about with shutters and cards of address,
+bearing high-minded "Loco-focos" and shot-down "democrats" to their
+respective surgeons and houses. This unusual bustle and activity gives the
+more political parts of the city an exceedingly brisk appearance, and has
+caused most of the eminent surgeons, not attached to either party, to be
+regularly retained by the principal speakers in these most interesting
+debates.
+
+In Congress great attention is paid to the comfort of the various members,
+who are all provided with spittoons, though they are by no means compelled
+to tie themselves down to the exclusive use of those expectorant
+receptacles; on the contrary, much ingenuity is shown by some of the more
+practised in picking out other deposits; a vast majority of the
+Kentuckians will back themselves to "shoot through" the opposition
+member's nose and eye-glass without touching "flesh or flints."
+
+The prevailing opinion appears to be, that should we come to a fight they
+will completely alter the costume of the country, and "whop us into fits."
+Their style of elocution is masterly in the extreme, redolent with the
+sagest deductions, and overflowing with a magnificent and truly Eastern
+redundancy of the most poetical tropes. I will now proceed to give you an
+extract from the celebrated speaker on the war side--"the renowned
+Jonathan J. Twang."
+
+"I rather calculate that tarnal, pisoned, alligator of a ring-tailed,
+roaring, pestiferous, rattlesnake, that critter 'the Old Country,' would
+jist about give up one half its skin, and wriggle itself slick out of the
+other, rayther than go for to put our dander up at this present identical
+out-and-out important critical crisis! I conceit their min'stry have got
+jist about into as considerable a tarnation nasty fix, as a naked nigger
+in the stocks when the mosquitoes are steaming up a little beyond high
+pressure. I guess Prince Albert and the big uns don't find their seats
+quite as soft as buttered eels in a mud bank! Look here--isn't it
+considerable clear they're all funking like burnt Cayenne in a clay pipe;
+or couldn't they have made a raise some how to get a ship of their own, or
+borrow one, to send after that caged-up 'coon of a Macleod? It's my
+notion, and pretty considerable clear to me, they're all bounce, like bad
+chesnuts, very well to look at, but come to try them at the fire for a
+roast, and they turn out puff and shell. They talk of war as the boy did
+of whipping his father, but like him, they daresn't do it, and why not?
+why, for the following elegant reasons:--Since they have been used to the
+advantages of doing their little retail trade with our own go-ahead and
+carry-all-before-it right slick-up-an-end double-distilled essence of a
+genuine fine and civilised country, the everlasting 'possums have become
+habituated to some of the manners of our enlightened inhabitants. We have
+nothing to do but refuse the supply of cottons, and leave them all with as
+little shirts to their backs as wool on a skinned eel. Isn't it the
+intercourse with this here country that enables them to speak their very
+language with something rayther like a leetle correctness, though they're
+just about as far behind us as the last jint of the sea-sarpent is from
+his eye-tooth?
+
+"Doesn't all international law consist in keeping an everlasting bright
+look-out on your own side, and jamming all other varments slick through a
+stone wall, as the waggon-wheel used up the lame frog? (Hear, hear.) I
+say--and mind you I'll stick to it like a starved sloth to the back of a
+fat babby--I say, gentlemen, this country, the United States (particularly
+Kentucky, from which I come, and which will whip all the rest with
+out-straws and rotten bull-rushes agin pike, bagnet, mortars, and all
+their almighty fine artillery), I say, then, this country is considerable
+like a genuine fac-simile of the waggon-wheel, and the pretty oneasy
+busted-up old worn-out island of the bull-headed Britishers, ain't nothing
+more than the tee-totally used-up frog. (Hear, hear.)
+
+"I expect they'd have just as much chance with us as a muzzled monkey with
+a hiccory-nut. Talk of their fleet! I'll bet six live niggers to a dead
+'coon, our genuine Yankee clippers will whip them into as bad a fix as a
+flying-fish with a gull at his head and a shark at his tail. They're jist
+about as much out of their reckoning as the pig that took to swimming for
+his health and cut his throat trying it on.
+
+"It's everlasting strange to me if, to all future posterity coming after
+us, the word 'Macleod' don't shut up their jaws from bragging of British
+valour just about as tight as the death-squeeze of a boa-constrictor round
+a smashed-up buffalo!
+
+"If it wa'n't for the distance and leaving my plantation, I'd go over with
+any on you, and help to use up the lot myself! Let them 'come on,' as the
+tiger said to the young kid, and see what 'I'll do for you.' They talk of
+sending out their chaps here, do they; let them; they'll be just about as
+happy as a toad in hot tar, and that's a fact." Here Jonathan J. Twang sat
+down amid immense cheers; at the conclusion of which, Mr. Peter P.
+Pellican, from the back-woods, requested--he, Peter P. Pellican, being
+from _Orleans_--that Mr. Jonathan J. Twang would retract certain words
+derogatory to the state represented by Peter P. Pellican. Mr. Jonathan J.
+Twang replied in the following determined refusal:--"I beg to inform the
+last speaker, Mr. Peter P. Pellican, from the back-woods, that I'll see
+him tee-totatiously tarred, feathered, and physicked with red-hot oil and
+fish-hooks, before I'll retract one eternal syllable of my pretty
+particular correct assertions."
+
+This announcement created considerable confusion. The President behaved in
+the most impartial and manly manner, indiscriminately knocking down all
+such of both parties who came within reach of his mace, and not leaving
+the chair until he had received two black eyes and lost two front teeth.
+The general _mêlée_ was carried on with immense spirit; the more violent
+members on either side pummelling each other with the most hearty and
+legislative determination. This exciting scene was continued for some
+time, until during a short cessation a member with a broken leg proposed
+an adjournment till the following day, when the further discussion could
+be carried on with Bowie-knives and pistols; this proposition was at once
+acceded to with immense delight by all parties. If well enough (as I have
+two broken ribs, my share of the row) I will forward you an authentic
+statement of this interesting proceeding.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+EPITAPH ON A CANDLE.
+
+  A _wicked_ one lies buried here,
+    Who died in a _decline_;
+  He never rose in rank, I fear,
+    Though he was born to _shine_.
+
+  He once was _fat_, but now, indeed,
+    He's thin as any griever;
+  He died,--the Doctors all agreed,
+    Of a most _burning_ fever.
+
+  One thing of him is said with truth,
+    With which I'm much amused;
+  It is--That when he stood, forsooth,
+    A _stick_ he always used.
+
+  Now _winding-sheets_ he sometimes made,
+    But this was not enough,
+  For finding it a poorish trade,
+    He also dealt in _snuff_.
+
+  If e'er you said "_Go out_, I pray,"
+    He much ill nature show'd;
+  On such occasions he would say,
+    "Vy, if I do, _I'm blow'd_."
+
+  In this his friends do all agree,
+    Although you'll think I'm joking,
+  When _going out_ 'tis said that he
+    Was very fond of _smoking_.
+
+  Since all religion he despised,
+    Let these few words suffice,
+  Before he ever was baptized
+    They _dipp'd_ him once or twice.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SIBTHORP ON BORTHWICK.
+
+Our Sibthorp, while speaking of the asinine qualities of Peter Borthwick,
+remarked, that in his opinion that respectable member of the Lower House
+must be indebted to the celebrated medicine promising extreme "length of
+ears," and advertised as
+
+[Illustration: PARR'S SPECIFIC.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+FIRE! FIRE!
+
+A REMONSTRANCE WITH THE NINTH OF NOVEMBER.
+
+How melancholy an object is a "polished front," that vain-glorious and
+inhospitable array of cold steel and willow shavings, in which the
+emancipated hearth is annually constrained by careful housewives to
+signalise the return of summer, and its own consequent degradation from
+being a part of the family to become a piece of mere formal furniture. And
+truly in cold weather, which (thanks to the climate, for we love our
+country) is all the weather we get in England, the fire is a most
+important individual in a house: one who exercises a bland authority over
+the tempers of all the other inmates--for who could quarrel with his feet
+on the fender? one with whom everybody is anxious to be well--for who
+would fall out with its genial glow? one who submits with a graceful
+resignation to the caprices of every casual elbow--and who has never poked
+a fire to death? one whose good offices have endeared him alike to the
+selfish and to the cultivated,--at once a host, a mediator, and an
+occupation.
+
+We have often had our doubts (but then we are partial) whether it be not
+possible to carry on a conversation with a fire. With the aid of an
+evening newspaper by way of interpreter, and in strict confidence, no
+third party being present, we feel that it can be done. Was there an
+interesting debate last night? were the ministers successful, or did the
+opposition carry it? In either case, did not the fire require a vigorous
+poke just as you came to the division? and did not its immediate flame,
+or, on the contrary, its dull, sullen glow, give you the idea that it
+entertained its own private opinions on the subject? And if those opinions
+seemed contrary to yours, did you not endeavour to betray the sparks into
+an untenable position, by submitting them to the gentle sophistry of a
+poker nicely insinuated between the bars? or did you not quench with a
+sudden retort of small coal its impertinent congratulation at an
+unfortunate result? until, when its cordial glow, penetrating that
+unseemly shroud, has given evidence of self-conviction, you felt that you
+had dealt too harshly with an old friend, and hastened to make it up with
+him again by a playful titillation, more in jest than earnest.
+
+But this is all to come. Not yet (with us) have the kindly old bars,
+reverend in their attenuation, been restored to their time-honoured
+throne; not yet have the dingy festoons of pink and white paper
+disappeared from the garish mantel. Still desolate and cheerless shows the
+noble edifice. The gaunt chimney yawns still in sick anticipation of
+deferred smoke. The "irons," innocent of coal, and polished to the tip,
+skulk and cower sympathetically into the extreme corner of the fender. The
+very rug seems ghastly and grim, wanting the kindly play of the excited
+flame. We have no comfort in the parlour yet: even the privileged kitten,
+wandering in vain in search of a resting-place, deems it but a chill
+dignity which has withdrawn her from the warm couch before the
+kitchen-fire. Things have become too real for home. We have no joy now in
+those delicious loiterings for the five minutes before dinner--those
+casual snatches of Sterne, those scraps of Steele. We have left off
+smiling; we are impregnable even to a pun. What _is_ the day of the month?
+
+Surely were not October retrospectively associated (in April and glorious
+May) with the grateful magnificence of ale, none would be so unpopular as
+the chilly month. There is no period in which so much of what ladies call
+"unpleasantness" occurs, no season when that mysterious distemper known as
+"warming" is so epidemic, as in October. It is a time when, in default of
+being conventionally cold, every one becomes intensely cool. A general
+chill pervades the domestic virtues: hospitality is aguish, and charity
+becomes more than proverbially numb.
+
+In twenty days how different an appearance will things wear! The magic
+circle round the hearth will be filled with beaming faces; a score of
+hands will be luxuriously chafing the palpable warmth dispensed by a
+social blaze; some more privileged feet may perchance be basking in the
+extraordinary recesses of the fender. We shall consult the thermometer to
+enjoy the cold weather by contrast with the glowing comfort within. We
+shall remark how "time flies," and that "it seems only yesterday since we
+had a fire before;" forgetful of the hideous night and the troublous
+dreams that have intervened since those sweet memories. And all this--in
+twenty days.
+
+We are no innovators: we respect all things for their age, and some for
+their youth. But we would hope that, in humbly looking for a fire in the
+cold weather, even though November be still in the store of time, we
+should be exhibiting no dangerous propensities. If, as we are inclined to
+believe, fires were discovered previously to the invention of lord mayors,
+wherefore should we defer our accession to them until he is welcomed by
+those frigid antiquities Gog and Magog? Wherefore not let fires go out
+with the old lord mayor, if they needs must come in with the new?
+Wherefore not do without lord mayors altogether, and elect an annual grate
+to judge the prisoners at the _bar_ in the Mansion House, and to listen to
+the quirks of the facetious Mr. _Hob_-ler?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+AN APPROPRIATE GIFT.
+
+We perceive that the fair dames of Nottingham have, with compassionate
+liberality, presented to Mr. Walter, one of the Tory candidates at the
+late election, a silver _salver_. What a delicate and appropriate gift for
+a man so beaten as Master Walter!--the pretty dears knew where he was
+hurt, and applied a silver salve--we beg pardon, _salver_--to his wounds.
+We trust the remedy may prove consolatory to the poor gentleman.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOT A STEP FA(R)THER.
+
+The diminutive chroniclers of Animalcula-Chatter, called small-talk, have
+been giving a minute description of the goings on of His Grace of
+Wellington at Walmer. They hint that he sleeps and wakes by clock-work,
+eats by the ounce, and drinks and walks by measure. During the latter
+recreation, it is his _pleasure_, they tell us, to use one of _Payne's_
+pedometers to regulate his march. Thus it is quite clear the great Captain
+will never become a
+
+[Illustration: "SOLDIER TIRED."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A MALE DUE.
+
+The Post-office in Downing-street has been besieged by various inquirers,
+who are anxiously seeking for some information as to the expected arrival
+of the Royal Male.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+CURIOUS SYNONYMS.
+
+Sir Peter Laurie discovered during his residence in Boulogne that _veau_
+is the French for _veal_. On his return to England, being at a public
+dinner, he exhibited his knowledge of the tongues by asking a brother
+alderman for a slice of his _weal_ or _woe_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+HAPPY LAND!
+
+Six young girls, inmates of the Lambeth workhouse, were brought up at
+Union Hall, charged with breaking several squares of glass. In their
+defence, they complained that they had been treated worse in the workhouse
+than they would be in prison, and said that it was to cause their
+committal to the latter place they committed the mischief. What a
+beautiful picture of moral England this little anecdote exhibits! What
+must be the state of society in a country where crime is punished less
+severely than poverty?
+
+  Old England, bless'd and favour'd clime!
+    Where paupers to thy prisons run;
+  Where poverty's the only crime
+    That angry justice frowns upon.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE NEW STATE STRETCHER.
+
+"What an uncomfortable bed Peel has made for himself!" observed Normanby
+to Palmerston. "That's not very clear to me, I confess," replied the
+Downing-street Cupid, "as it is acknowledged he sleeps on a _bolstered
+cabinet_." The pacificator of Ireland closed his face for the remainder of
+the day.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+The latest case of monomania, from our own specially-raised American
+correspondent:--A gentleman who fancied himself a pendulum always went
+upon tick, and never discovered his delusion until he was carefully wound
+up in the Queen's Bench.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"VERY LIKE A WHALE."
+
+  The first of all the royal infant males
+  _Should_ take the title of the Prince of _Wales_;
+  Because 'tis clear to seaman and to lubber,
+  Babies and _whales_ are both inclined to _blubber_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+ARRIVED AT LAST.
+
+We perceived by a paragraph copied from the "_John o'Groats Journal_,"
+that an immense Whale, upwards of _seventy-six_ feet in length, was
+captured a few days since at Wick. Sir Peter Laurie and Alderman Humphrey
+on reading this announcement _naturally_ concluded that the _Wick_
+referred to was our gracious Queen _Wic_, and rushed off to
+Buckingham-palace to pay their united tribute of loyalty to the
+long-expected _Prince of Wales_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+EPIGRAM.
+
+  I'm going to seal a letter, Dick,
+    Some _wax_ pray give to me.
+  I have not got a _single stick_,
+    Or _whacks_ I'd give to thee.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE PICTORIAL HISTORY OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+In our last we briefly adverted to the gratifying fact that Mr. Barry had
+at least a thousand superficial feet on the walls of the new Houses of
+Parliament at the services of the historical painters of England; and we
+also, in a passing manner, suggested a few compositions worthy of their
+pencils. A reconsideration of the matter convinces us that the subject is
+too important--too national, to be adopted as merely the fringe of our
+article; and we have therefore determined within ourselves to devote our
+present essay to a serious discussion of the various pictures that are, or
+_ought_, to decorate the interior of the new House of Commons. As for the
+House of Lords, we see no necessity whatever for lavishing the fine
+inspirations of art on that temple of wisdom; inasmuch as the sages who
+deliberate there are, for the most part, born legislators, coming into the
+world with all the rudiments of government in embryo in their baby heads,
+and, on the twenty-first anniversary of their birthday, putting their legs
+out of bed adult, full-grown law-makers. It would be the height of
+democratic insolence to attempt to teach these chosen few: it would, in
+fact, be a misprision of treason against the sovereignty of Nature, who,
+when making the _pia mater_ of a future peer of England, knows very well
+the delicate work she has in hand, and takes pains accordingly. It is
+different when she manufactures a mob of skulls which, by a jumble of
+worldly accidents, or by the satire of Fortune in her bitterest mood, may
+ultimately belong to Members of the House of Commons. These she makes, as
+they make blocks in Portsmouth-yard, a hundred a minute. All she has to do
+is to fulfil her contract with the world, taking care that there shall be
+no want of the raw material for Members of Parliament, leaving it to
+Destiny to work it up as she may. We have not the slightest doubt,
+by-the-by, that poor Nature is often very much confounded by the ultimate
+application of her own handiwork. We can fancy the venerable old gossip at
+her business, patting up skulls as serenely as our lamented great
+grandmother (she wrote a very pretty book on the beauties of population,
+and illustrated the work, too, with portraits from her own hand) was wont
+to pat up apple-dumplings:--we can imagine Nature--good old soul!--looking
+over her spectacles at the infant dough, and saying to herself as she
+finishes skull by skull--"Ha! that will do for a pawnbroker;"--"That, as
+it's rather low and narrow, for a sharp attorney;"--"That for a parish
+constable;"--"That for a clown at a fair,"--and so on. And we can well
+imagine the astonishment of simple-hearted old Nature on getting a ticket
+for the gallery of the House of Commons (for very seldom, indeed, has she
+been known to show herself on the floor), to see her skull of a pawnbroker
+on the shoulders of a Chancellor of the Exchequer; her _caput_ of the
+sharp attorney belonging to a Minister of the Home Department; her head of
+a parish constable as a Paymaster of the Forces; and the dough she had
+intended to swallow knives and eat fire at wakes and fairs gravely
+responded to as "an honourable and gallant member!" Whereupon, who can
+wonder at the amazement and indignation of Mother Nature, and that, with a
+keen sense of the misapplication of her skulls, she sometimes abuses
+Mother Fortune in good set terms, mingling with her reproaches the
+strongest reflections on her chastity?
+
+We have thought it due to the full consideration of our subject so far, to
+dwell upon the natural difference between the skull of a Peer and the
+skull of a Commoner. The skull of the noble, as we have shown, is a thing
+made to order--fitted up, like Mr. MECHI'S pocket-dressing-case, with the
+ornamental and useful: no instrument can be added to it--the thing is
+complete. Hence, to employ historical painters for the education of the
+House of Lords would be a useless and profligate expenditure of art and
+money. It would be to paint the lily LONDONDERRY--to add a perfume to the
+violet ELLENBOROUGH. All Peers being from the first--indeed, even _in
+utero_--ordained law-makers, statute-making comes to them by nature. How
+much history goes to prove this, showing that the House of Lords--like the
+Solomons of the _fleur-de-lis_--have learned nothing, and forgotten
+nothing! To attempt to instruct a Peer would be as gross an impertinence
+to the instinct of his order as to present MINERVA--who no doubt came from
+the head of JOVE a Peeress in her own right--with a toy alphabet or
+horn-book.
+
+For the skulls of the House of Commons,--that is, indeed, another
+question! We are so far utilitarian that we would have the pictures for
+which Mr. BARRY offers a thousand feet selected solely with a view to the
+dissemination of knowledge amongst the many benighted members of the House
+of Commons. We would have the subjects so chosen that they should entirely
+supersede _Oldfield's Representative History_; never forgetting the wants
+of the most illiterate. For instance, for the politicians on the fifth
+form, the SIBTHORPS and PLUMPTRES, whose education in their youth has been
+shamefully neglected, we would have a nice pictorial political alphabet.
+We do not pride ourselves, be it understood, upon writing unwrinkled
+verse; we only present the subjoined as a crude idea of our plan, taken we
+confess, from certain variegated volumes, to be had either of Mr. SOUTER,
+St. Paul's Churchyard, or Messrs. DARTON and HARVEY, Holborn.
+
+  A was King ALFRED, a monarch of note;
+  B is BURDETT, who can well turn a coat.
+
+Here we would have the chief incidents of Alfred's life nicely painted,
+with BURDETT, late Old Glory, and now Old Corruption. As for the poetry,
+when we consider the capacities of the learners, _that_ cannot be too
+simple, too homely. The House, however, may order a Committee of
+Versification, if it please; all that we protest against is D'ISRAELI
+being of the number.
+
+  C is the CORN-LAWS, that famish'd the poor;
+  D is the DEBT, that will famish them more.
+
+Here, for the imaginative artist, is an opportunity! To paint the wholesale
+wickedness and small villanies of the Corn-laws! What a contrast of scene
+and character! Squalid hovels, and princely residences--purse-proud,
+plethoric injustice, big and bloated with, its iniquitous gains, and gaunt,
+famine-stricken multitudes! Then for the Debt--that hideous thing begotten
+by war and corruption; what a tremendous moral lesson might be learned from
+a nightly conning of the terrific theme!
+
+We have neither poetic genius nor space of paper to go through the whole
+of the alphabet; we merely throw out the above four lines--and were we not
+assured that they are better lines, far more musical, than any to be found
+in BULWER'S SIAMESE TWINS, we should blush much nearer scarlet than we
+do--to give an idea of the utility and beautiful comprehensiveness of our
+plan.
+
+The great difficulty, however, will be to compress the subjects--so
+multitudinous are they--within the thousand feet allowed by the architect.
+To begin with the Wittenagemot, or meeting of the wise men, and to end
+with portraits of Mr. Roebuck's ancestors--to say nothing of the fine
+imaginative sketch of the Member for Bath tilting, in the mode of Quixote
+with the steam-press of Printing-house-square--will require the most
+extraordinary powers of condensation on the parts of the artists.
+Nevertheless, if the undertaking be even creditably executed, it will be a
+monument of national wisdom and national utility to unborn generations of
+Members. What crowds of subjects press upon us! The _History of Bribery_
+might make a sort of Parliamentary Rake's Progress, if we could but hit
+upon the artist to portray its manifold beauties. _The Windsor Stables_
+and _the Education of the Poor_ would form admirable companion-pictures,
+in which the superiority of the horse over the human animal could be most
+satisfactorily delineated--the quadruped having considerably more than
+three times the amount voted to him for snug lodging, hay, beans, and
+oats, that the English pauper obtained from Parliament for that manure of
+the soil--as congregated piety at Exeter Hall denominates it--a Christian
+education!
+
+What a beautiful arabesque border might be conceived from a perusal of the
+late Lord Castlereagh's speeches! We should here have Parliamentary
+eloquence under a most fantastic yet captivating phase. Who, for instance,
+but the artist to PUNCH could paint CASTLEREAGH'S figure of a smug,
+contented, selfish traitor, the "crocodile with his hand in his breeches'
+pocket?" Again, does not the reader recollect that extraordinary person
+who, according to the North Cray Demosthenes, "turned his back _upon
+himself_?" There would be a portrait!--one, too, presenting food for the
+most "sweet and bitter melancholy" to the GRAHAMS and the STANLEYS. There
+is also that immortal Parliamentary metaphor, emanating from the same
+mysterious source,--"The _feature_ upon which the question _hinges_!" The
+only man who could have properly painted this was the enthusiastic BLAKE,
+who so successfully limned the ghost of a flea! These matters, however,
+are to be considered as merely supplementary ornaments to great themes.
+The grand subjects are to be sought for in _Hansard's Reports_, in
+petitions against returns of members, in the evidence that comes out in
+the committee-rooms, in the abstract principles of right and wrong, that
+make members honest patriots, or that make them give the harlot "ay" and
+"no," as dictated by the foul spirit gibbering in their breeches' pockets.
+
+That we may have painted all these things, Mr. BARRY offers up one
+thousand feet. Oh! Mr. B. can't you make it ten!
+
+Q.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH's PENCILLINGS.--No. XV.
+
+[Illustration: REFLECTION.
+
+"FAREWELL, A LONG FAREWELL, TO ALL MY GREATNESS."--_King Henry VIII_.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE PHYSIOLOGY OF THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT.
+
+4.--OF THE MANNER IN WHICH THE FIRST SEASON PASSES.
+
+From the period of our last Chapter our friend commences to adopt the
+attributes of the mature student. His notes are taken as before at each
+lecture he attends, but the lectures are fewer, and the notes are never
+fairly transcribed; at the same time they are interspersed with a larger
+proportion of portraits of the lecturer, and other humorous conceits. He
+proposes at lunch-time every day that he and his companions should "go the
+odd man for a pot;" and the determination he had formed at his entry to
+the school, of working the last session for all the prizes, and going up
+to the Hall on the Thursday and the College on the Friday without
+grinding, appears somewhat difficult of being carried into execution.
+
+It is at this point of his studies that the student commences a steady
+course of imaginary dissection: that is to say, he keeps a chimerical
+account of extremities whose minute structure he has deeply investigated
+(in his head), and received in return various sums of money from home for
+the avowed purpose of paying for them. If he really has put his name down
+for any heads and necks or pelvic viscera at the commencement of the
+season, when he had imbibed and cherished some lunatic idea "that
+dissection was the sheet-anchor of safety at the College," he becomes a
+trafficker in human flesh, and disposes of them as quickly as he can to
+any hard-working man who has his examination in perspective.
+
+He now assumes a more independent air, and even ventures to chalk odd
+figures on the black board in the theatre. He has been known, previously
+to the lecture, to let down the skeleton that hangs by a balance weight
+from the ceiling, and, inserting its thumb in the cavity of its nose, has
+there secured it with a piece of thread, and then, placing a short pipe in
+its jaws, has pulled it up again. His inventive faculties are likewise
+shown by various diverting objects and allusions cut with his knife upon
+the ledge before him in the lecture-room, whereon the new men rest their
+note-books and the old ones go to sleep. In vain do the directors of the
+school order the ledge to be coated with paint and sand mixed
+together--nothing is proof against his knife; were it adamant he would cut
+his name upon it. His favourite position at lecture is now the extremity
+of the bench, where its horse-shoe form places him rather out of the range
+of the lecturer's vision; and, ten to one, it is here that he has cut a
+cribbage-board on the seat, at which he and his neighbour play during the
+lecture on Surgery, concealing their game from common eyes by spreading a
+mackintosh cape on the desk before them. His conversation also gradually
+changes its tone, and instead of mildly inquiring of the porter, on his
+entering the school of a morning, what is for the day's anatomical
+demonstration, he talks of "the regular lark he had last night at the
+Eagle, and how jolly screwed he got!"--a frank admission, which bespeaks
+the candour of his disposition.
+
+Careful statistics show us that it is about the end of November the new
+man first makes the acquaintance of his uncle; and observant people have
+remarked, as worthy of insertion in the Medical Almanack amongst the usual
+phenomena of the calendar--"About this time dissecting cases and
+tooth-instruments appear in the windows, and we may look for watches
+towards the beginning of December." Although this is his first transaction
+on his own account, yet his property has before ascended the spout, when
+some unprincipled student, at the beginning of the season, picked his
+pocket of a big silver lancet-case, which he had brought up with him from
+the country; and having, pledged it at the nearest money-lender's, sent
+him the duplicate in a polite note, and spent the money with some other
+dishonest young men, in drinking their victim's health in his absence.
+And, by the way, it is a general rule that most new men delight to carry
+big lancet-cases, although they have about as much use for them as a
+lecturer upon practice of physic has for top boots.
+
+Thus gradually approaching step by step towards the perfection of his
+state, the new man's first winter-session passes; and it is not unlikely
+that, at the close of the course, he may enter to compete for the
+anatomical prize, which he sometimes gets by stealth, cribbing his answers
+from a tiny manual of knowledge, two inches by one-and-a-half in size,
+which he hides under his blotting-paper. This triumph achieved, he devotes
+the short period which intervenes before the commencement of the summer
+botanical course to various hilarious pastimes; and as the watch and
+dissecting-case are both gone, he writes the following despatch to his
+governor--
+
+
+LETTER No. II.--(_Copy._)
+
+MY DEAR FATHER,--You will, I am sure, be delighted to learn that I have
+gained the twenty-ninth honorary certificate for proficiency in anatomy
+which you will allow is a very high number when I tell you that only
+thirty are given. I have also the satisfaction of informing you that the
+various professors have given me certificates of having attended their
+lectures _very diligently_ during the past courses.
+
+I work very hard, but I need not inform you that, with all my economy, I
+am at some expense for good books and instruments. I have purchased
+_Liston's Surgery_, Anthony Thompson's _Materia Medica_, Burns and
+Merriman's _Midwifery_, Graham's _Chemistry_, Astley Cooper's
+_Dislocations_, and Quain's _Anatomy_, all of which I have read carefully
+through twice. I also pay a private demonstrator to go over the bones with
+me of a night; and I have bought a skeleton at Alexander's--a great
+bargain. This, when I "pass," I think of presenting to the museum of the
+hospital, as I am under great obligations to the surgeons. I think a
+ten-pound note willl clear my expenses, although I wish to enter to a
+summer course of dissections, and take some lessons in practical chemistry
+in the laboratories with Professor Carbon, but these I will endeavour to
+pay for out of my own pocket. With my best regards to all at home, believe
+me,
+
+Your affectionate son,
+
+JOSEPH MUFF.
+
+
+As soon as the summer course begins, the Botanical Lectures commence with
+it, and the polite Company of Apothecaries courteously request the
+student's acceptance of a ticket of admission to the lectures, at their
+garden at Chelsea. As these commence somewhere about eight in the morning,
+of course he must get up in the middle of the night to be there; and
+consequently he attends very often, of course. But the botanical
+excursions that take place every Saturday from his own school are his
+especial delight. He buys a candle-box to contain all the chickweed,
+chamomiles, and dandelions he may collect, and slinging it over his
+shoulder with his pocket-handkerchief, he starts off in company with the
+Professor and his fellow-herbalists to Wandsworth Common, Battersea
+Fields, Hampstead Heath, or any other favourite spot which the cockney
+Flora embellishes with her offspring.
+
+The conduct of medical students on botanical excursions generally appears
+in various phases. Some real lovers of the study, pale men in spectacles,
+who wear shoes and can walk for ever, collect every weed they drop upon,
+to which they assign a most extraordinary name, and display it at their
+lodgings upon cartridge paper, with penny pieces to keep the leaves in
+their places as they dry. Others limit their collections to
+stinging-nettles, which they slyly insert into their companions' pockets,
+or long bulrushes, which they tuck under the collars of their coats; and
+the remainder turn into the first house of public entertainment they
+arrive at on emerging from the smoke of London to the rural districts, and
+remain all day absorbed in the mysteries of ground billiards and
+knock-'em-downs, their principal vegetable studies being confined to
+lettuces, spring onions, and water-cresses. But all this is very
+proper--we mean the botanical part of the story--for the knowledge of the
+natural class and order of a buttercup must be of the greatest service to
+a practitioner in after-life in treating a case of typhus fever or
+ruptured blood-vessel. At some of the Continental Hospitals, the pupil's
+time is wasted at the bedside of the patient, from which he can only get
+practical information. How much better is the primrose-investigating
+_curriculum_ of study observed at our own medical schools!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SOME THINGS TO WHICH THE IRISH WOULD NOT SWEAR.
+
+MR. GROVE.--This insufferably ignorant, and, therefore, insolent
+magisterial cur, who has recently made himself an object of unenviable
+notoriety, by asserting that "the Irish would swear anything," has shown
+himself to be as stupid as he is malignant. Would, for instance, the most
+hard-mouthed Irishman in existence venture to swear that--
+
+  Mr. Grove is a gentleman; or that--
+  Sir Francis Burdett has brought honour to his grey hairs; or that--
+  Colonel Sibthorp has more brains than beard; or that--
+  Sir Robert Peel feels for anybody but himself; or that--
+  Peter Borthwick was listened to with attention; or that--
+  Sir Peter Laurie's wisdom cannot be estimated; or that--
+  Sir Edward George Erle Lytton Bulwer thinks very small beer of
+      himself; or that--
+  The Earl of Coventry carries a vast deal of sense under his hat; or
+      that--
+  Mr. Roebuck is the pet of the _Times_; or, in short, that--
+  The Tories are the best and most popular governors that England
+      ever had.
+
+If "the Irish would swear" to the above, we confess they "would swear
+anything."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+COMING EVENTS CAST THEIR SHADOWS BEFORE THEM.
+
+SIR JAMES CLARK is in daily attendance at the Palace. We suppose that he
+is looking out for a new berth under Government.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+HOSTILITIES IN PRIVATE LIFE.
+
+We have just heard of an event which has shaken the peace of a highly
+respectable house in St. Martin's Court, from the chimney-pots to the
+coal-cellar. Mrs. Brown, the occupier of the first floor, happened, on
+last Sunday, to borrow of Mrs. Smith, who lived a pair higher in the
+world, a German silver teapot, on the occasion of her giving a small
+twankey party to a few select friends. But though she availed herself of
+Mrs. Smith's German-silver, to add respectability to her _soirée_, she
+wholly overlooked Mrs. Smith, who was _not_ invited to partake of the
+festivities. This was a slight that no woman of spirit could endure; and
+though Mrs. Smith's teapot was German-silver, she resolved to let Mrs.
+Brown see that she had herself some real Britannia _mettle_ in her
+composition. Accordingly when the teapot was sent up the following morning
+to Mrs. Smith's apartments, with Mrs. Brown's "compliments and thanks,"
+Mrs. Smith discovered or affected to discover, a serious contusion on the
+lid of the article, and despatched it by her own servant back to Mrs.
+Brown, accompanied by the subjoined note:--
+
+    "Mrs. Smith's compliments to Mrs. Brown, begs to return the
+    teapott to the latter--in consequence of the ill-usage it has
+    received in her hands."
+
+Mrs. Brown, being a woman who piques herself upon her talent at epistolary
+writing, immediately replied in the following terms:--
+
+    "Mrs. Brown's compliments to Mrs. Smith, begs to say that her
+    paltry teapot received no ill usage from Mrs. Brown.--Mrs. B. will
+    thank Mrs. S. not to put two _t_'s at the end of _teapot_ in
+    future."
+
+This note and the teapot were forthwith sent upstairs to Mrs. Smith, whose
+indignation being very naturally roused, she again returned the battered
+affair, with this spirited missive:--
+
+    "Mrs. Smith begs to inform Mrs. Brown, that she despises her
+    insinuations, and to say, that she will put as many _t_'s  as she
+    pleases in her _teapot_.
+
+    "P.S.--Mrs. S. expects to be paid 10s. for the injured article."
+
+Again the teapot was sent upstairs, with the following reply from Mrs.
+Brown:--
+
+    "Mrs. Brown thinks Mrs. Smith a low creature.
+
+    "P.S.--Mrs. B. won't pay a farthing."
+
+The correspondence terminated here, the German-silver teapot remaining in
+_statu quo_ on the lobby window, between the territories of the hostile
+powers; and there it might have remained until the present moment, if Mrs.
+Brown had not declared, in an audible voice, at the foot of the stairs,
+that Mrs. Smith was acting under the influence of gin, which reaching the
+ears of the calumniated lady, she rushed down to the landing-place, and
+seizing the teapot, discharged it at Mrs. Brown's head, which it
+fortunately missed, but totally annihilated a plaster figure of Napoleon,
+which stood in the hall, and materially damaged its own spout. Mrs. Brown,
+being wholly unsupported at the time, retired hastily within the defences
+of her own apartments, which Mrs. Smith cannonaded vigorously for upwards
+of ten minutes with a broom handle; and there is every reason to believe
+she would shortly have effected a practicable breach, if a reinforcement
+from the kitchen had not arrived to aid the besieged, and forced the
+assailant back to her second-floor entrenchments. Mrs. Smith then demanded
+a truce until evening, which was granted by Mrs. Brown; notwithstanding
+which the former lady was detected, in defiance of this arrangement,
+endeavouring to _blow up_ Mrs. Brown through the keyhole.
+
+There is no telling how this unhappy difference will terminate; for though
+at present matters appear tolerably quiet, we know not (as in the case of
+the Canadas) at what moment we may have to inform our readers that
+
+[Illustration: THE BORDERS ARE IN A FLAME.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+GEOLOGY OF SOCIETY.
+
+SECTION II.
+
+We last week described the different strata of society comprehended in the
+INFERIOR SERIES, and the lower portion of the _Clapham Group_. We now beg
+to call the attention of our readers to a most important division in the
+next great formation--which has been termed the TRANSITION CLASS--because
+the individuals composing it are in a gradual state of elevation, and have
+a tendency to mix with the superior strata. By referring to the scale
+which we gave in our first section, it will be seen that the lowest layer
+in this class is formed by the people who keep shops and one-horse
+"shays," and go to Ramsgate for three weeks in the dog-days. They all
+exhibit evidences of having been thrown up from a low to a high level. The
+elevating causes are numerous, but the most remarkable are those which
+arise from the action of unexpected legacies. Lotteries were formerly the
+cause of remarkable elevations; and speculation in the funds may be still
+considered as amongst the elevating causes, though their effect is
+frequently to cause a sudden sinking. Lying immediately above the "shop
+and shay" people, we find the old substantial merchant, who every day
+precisely as the clock strikes ten is in the act of hanging up his hat in
+his little back counting-house in Fenchurch-street. His private house,
+however, is at Brixton-hill, where the gentility of the family is
+supported by his wife, two daughters, a piano, and a servant in livery.
+The best and finest specimens of this strata are susceptible of a slight
+polish; they are found very useful in the construction of joint stock
+banks, railroads, and other speculations where a good foundation is
+required. We now come to the _Russell-square group_, which comprehends all
+those people who "live private," and aim at being thought fashionable and
+independent. Many individuals of this group are nevertheless supposed by
+many to be privately connected with some trading concern in the City. It
+is a distinguishing characteristic of the second layer in this group to
+have a tendency to give dinners to the superior series, while the
+specimens of the upper stratum are always found in close proximity to a
+carriage. Family descent, which is a marked peculiarity of the SUPERIOR
+CLASS, is rarely to be met with in the _Russell-square group_. The fossil
+animals which exist in this group are not numerous: they are for the most
+part decayed barristers and superannuated doctors. Of the ST. JAMES'S
+SERIES it is sufficient to say that it consists of four strata, of which
+the superior specimens are usually found attached to coronets. Most of the
+precious stones, as diamonds, rubies, emeralds, are also to be found in
+this layer. The materials of which it is composed are various, and appear
+originally to have belonged to the inferior classes; and the only use to
+which it can be applied is in the construction of _peers_. Throughout all
+the classes there occur what are called _veins_, containing diverse
+substances. The _larking vein_ is extremely abundant in the superior
+classes--it is rich in brass knockers, bell handles, and policemen's
+rattles; this vein descends through all the lower strata, the specimens in
+each differing according to the situation in which they are found; the
+middle classes being generally discovered deposited in the Coal-hole
+Tavern or the Cider-cellars, while the individuals of the very inferior
+order are usually discovered in gin-shops and low pot-houses, and not
+unfrequently
+
+[Illustration: EMBEDDED IN QUARTS(Z).]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE WAPPING DELUGE.
+
+Father Thames, not content with his customary course, has been "swelling
+it" in the course of the week, through some of the streets of the
+metropolis. As if to inculcate temperance, he walked himself down into
+public-house cellars, filling all the empty casks with water, and
+adulterating all the beer and spirits that came in his way; turning also
+every body's fixed into floating capital. Half empty butts, whose place
+was below, came sailing up into the bar through the ceiling of the cellar;
+saucepans were elevated from beneath the dresser to the dresser itself;
+while cups were made "to pop off the hooks" with surprising rapidity.
+
+But the greatest consternation that prevailed was among the _rats_,
+particularly those in the neighbourhood of Downing-street, who were driven
+out of the sewers they inhabit with astounding violence.
+
+The dairies on the banks of the Thames were obliged to lay aside their
+customary practice of inundating the milk; for such a "meeting of the
+waters" as would otherwise have ensued must have proved rather too much,
+even for the regular customers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SAVORY CON. BY COX.
+
+Why is it impossible for a watch that indicates the smaller divisions of
+time ever to be new?--Because it must always be a second-hand one.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH'S INFORMATION FOR THE PEOPLE.--No. V.
+
+
+NATURAL HISTORY (_Continued_).
+
+THE OPERA-DANCER (_H. capernicus_--CERITOE).
+
+So decidedly does this animal belong to the Bimana order of beings, that
+to his two legs he is indebted for existence. Most of his fellow bipeds
+live by the work of their hands, except indeed the feathered and tailor
+tribes, who live by their bills; but from his thighs, calves, ancles, and
+toes, does the opera-dancer derive subsistence for the less important
+portions of his anatomy.
+
+_Physiology._--The body, face, and arms of the opera-dancer present no
+peculiarities above the rest of his species; and it is to his lower
+extremities alone that we must look for distinguishing features. As our
+researches extend downwards from head to foot, the first thing that
+strikes us is a protuberance of the ante-occipital membranes, so great as
+to present a back view that describes two sides of a scalene triangle, the
+apex of which projects posteriorly nearly half way down the figure. That a
+due equilibrium may be preserved in this difficult position (technically
+called "the first"), the toes are turned out so as to form a right angle
+with the lower leg. Thus, in walking, this curious being presents a mass
+of animated straight lines that have an equal variety of inclination to a
+bundle of rods carelessly tied up, or to Signor Paganini when afflicted
+with the lumbago.
+
+_Habits._--The habits of the opera-dancer vary according as we see him in
+public or in private life. On the stage he is all spangles and activity;
+off the stage, seediness and decrepitude are his chief characteristics. It
+is usual for him to enter upon his public career with a tremendous bound
+and a hat and feathers. After standing upon one toe, he raises its fellow
+up to a line with his nose, and turns round until the applause comes, even
+if that be delayed for several minutes. He then cuts six, and shuffles up
+to a female of his species, who being his sweetheart (in the ballet), has
+been looking savage envy at him and spiteful indignation at the audience
+on account of the applause, which ought to have been reserved for her own
+capering--to come. When it does, she throws up her arms and steps upon
+tiptoe about three paces, looking exactly like a crane with a sore heel.
+Making her legs into a pair of compasses, she describes a circle in the
+air with one great toe upon a pivot formed with the other; then bending
+down so that her very short petticoat makes a "cheese" upon the ground,
+spreads out both arms to the _roués_ in the stalls, who understand the
+signal, and cry "_Brava! brava!!_" Rising, she turns her back to display
+her gauze _jupe élastique_, which is always exceedingly _bouffante_:
+expectorating upon the stage as she retires. She thus makes way for her
+lover, who, being her professional rival, she invariably detests.
+
+It is singular that in private life the habits of the animal differ most
+materially according to its sex. The male sometimes keeps an academy and a
+kit fiddle, but the domestic relations of the female remain a profound
+mystery; and although Professors Tom Duncombe, Count D'Orsay,
+Chesterfield, and several other eminent Italian-operatic natural
+historians, have spent immense fortunes in an ardent pursuit of knowledge
+in this branch of science, they have as yet afforded the world but a small
+modicum of information. Perhaps what they _have_ learned is not of a
+nature to be made public.
+
+_Moral Characteristics._--None.
+
+_Reproduction._--The offspring of opera-dancers are not, as is sometimes
+supposed, born with wings; the truth is that these cherubim are frequently
+attached by their backs to copper wires, and made to represent flying
+angels in fairy dramas; and those appendages, so far from being natural,
+are supplied by the property-man, together with the wreaths of artificial
+flowers which each Liliputian divinity upholds.
+
+_Sustenance._--All opera-dancers are decidedly omnivorous. Their appetite
+is immense; quantity and (for most of them come from France), not quality,
+is what they chiefly desire. When not dining at their own expense, they
+eat all they can, and pocket the rest. Indeed, a celebrated
+sylphide--unsurpassed for the graceful airiness of her evolutions--has
+been known to make the sunflower in the last scene bend with the
+additional weight of a roast pig, an apple pie, and sixteen _omelettes
+soufflées_--drink, including porter, in proportion. Various philosophers
+have endeavoured to account for this extraordinary digestive capacity; but
+some of their arguments are unworthy of the science they otherwise adorn.
+For example, it has been said that the great exertions to which the dancer
+is subject demand a corresponding amount of nutriment, and that the
+copious transudation superinduced thereby requires proportionate supplies
+of suction; while, in point of fact, if such theorists had studied their
+subject a little closer, they would have found these unbounded appetites
+accounted for upon the most simple and conclusive ground: it is clear
+that, as most opera-dancers' lives are passed in a _pirouette_, they must
+naturally have enormous twists!
+
+_The geographical distribution of opera-dancers_ is extremely well
+defined, as their names implies; for they most do congregate wherever an
+opera-house exists. Some, however, descend to the non-lyric drama, and
+condescend to "illustrate" the plays of Shakespeare. It is said that the
+classical manager of Drury Lane Theatre has secured a company of them to
+help the singers he has engaged to perform Richard the Third, Coriolanus,
+and other historical plays.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Why has a clock always a bashful appearance?--Because it always keeps its
+hands before its face.
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+KIDNAPPING EXTRAORDINARY.
+
+The _Chronicle_ has been making a desperate attempt to come out in Punch's
+line; he has absolutely been trying the "Too-too-tooit--tooit;" but has
+made a most melancholy failure of it. We could forgive him his efforts to
+be facetious (though we doubt that his readers will) if he had not
+kidnapped three of our own particular pets--the very men who lived and
+grew in the world's estimation on our wits; we mean Peter Borthwick, Ben
+D'Israeli, and our own immortal Sibthorp. Of poor Sib. the joker of the
+_Chronicle_ says in last Tuesday's paper--
+
+"We regret to hear that Col. Sibthorp has suffered severely by cutting
+himself in the act of shaving. His friends, however, will rejoice to learn
+that his whiskers have escaped, and that he himself is going on
+favourably."
+
+We spent an entire night in endeavouring to discover where the wit lay in
+this _cutting_ paragraph; but were obliged at last to give it up,
+convinced that we might as well have made
+
+[Illustration: AN ATTEMPT TO DISCOVER THE LONGITUDE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SONGS OF THE SEEDY.--No. V.
+
+  What am I? Mary, wherefore seek to know?
+    For mystery's the very soul of love.
+  Enough, that wedding thee I'm not below,
+    Enough, that wooing thee I'm not above.
+  You smile, dear girl, and look into my face
+    As if you'd read my history in my eye.
+  I'm not, sweet maid, a footman out of place,
+    For that position would, I own, be shy.
+  What am I then, you ask? Alas! 'tis clear,
+  You love not me, but what I have a year.
+
+  What am I, Mary! Well, then, must I tell,
+    And all my stern realities reveal?
+  Come close then to me, dearest, listen well,
+    While what I am no longer I conceal.
+  I serve my fellow-men, a glorious right;
+    Thanks for that smile, dear maid, I know 'tis due.
+  Yes, many have I served by day and night;
+    With me to aid them, none need vainly sue.
+  Nay, do not praise me, love, but nearer come,
+  That I may whisper, I'm a _bailiff's bum_.
+
+  Why start thus from me? am I then a thing
+    To be despised and cast aside by thee?
+  Oh! while to every one I fondly cling
+    And follow all, will no one follow me?
+  Oh! if it comes to this, dear girl, no more
+    Shalt thou have cause upon my suit to frown;
+  I'll serve no writs again; from me secure,
+    John Doe may run at leisure up and down,
+  Come to my arms, but do not weep the less,
+  Thou art the last I'll e'er take in distress.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A PAIR OF DUCKS.
+
+"Pray, Sir Peter," said a brother Alderman to the City Laurie-ate the
+other day, while discussing the merits of Galloway's plan for a viaduct
+from Holborn-hill to Skinner-street, "Pray, Sir Peter, can you inform me
+what is the difference between a viaduct and an aqueduct?" "Certainly,"
+replied our "City Correspondent," with amazing condescension; "a
+_via-duck_ is a land-duck, and an _aqua-duck_ is a water-duck!" The
+querist confessed he had no idea before of the immensity of Sir Peter's
+scientific knowledge.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH'S THEATRE.
+
+MARGARET MAYFIELD; OR, THE MURDER OF THE LONE FARM-HOUSE.
+
+[Illustration: P]Prodigious! The minor drama has exhausted its stock of
+major crimes: parricide is out of date; infanticide has become from
+constant occurrence decidedly low; homicide grows tame and uninteresting;
+and fratricide is a mere bagatelle, not worthy of attention. The dramatist
+must therefore awaken new sympathies by contriving new crimes--he must
+invent. In this the Sadler's Wells genius has been fortunate. He has
+brought forward a novelty in assassination, which is harrowing in the
+extreme: it may be called _Farm-house-icide_! Just conceive the pitch of
+intense sympathy it is possible for one to feel, while beholding "the
+_murder_ of a lone farm-house!" Arson is nothing to it.
+
+Out of this novel domiciliary catastrophe the author of "Margaret
+Mayfield" has formed a melodrama, which in every other respect is founded,
+like a chancellor's decree, upon precedent; it being a good old-fashioned,
+cut-throat piece, of the leather-breeches-and-gaiter, plough-and-pitchfork
+school. A country-inn parlour of course commences the story, where certain
+characters assemble, who reveal enough of themselves and of the characters
+assumed by their fellows (at that time amusing themselves in the
+green-room), to let any person the least acquainted with the literature of
+melodrama into the secret of the entire plot. There is the villain, who is
+as usual in love with the heroine, and in league with three ill-looking
+fellows sitting at a separate table. There too is the old-established
+farmer, who has about him a considerable sum of money--a fact he mentions
+for the information of his pot-companions, on purpose to be robbed of it.
+The low comedian as usual disports himself upon a three-legged stool,
+dressed in the never-to-be-worn-out short _non_-continuations, skirtless
+coat, and "eccentric" tile.
+
+A scene or two afterwards, and we are surprised to find that the farmer is
+safely housed, and that he has not been robbed upon a bleak moor on a dark
+stage. But we soon feel a sensation of awe, when we learn that before us
+is the interior of the very farm-house that is going to be murdered. The
+farmer and his wife go through the long-standing dialogue of
+stage-stereotype, about love and virtue, the price of turnips, and their
+only child; and the husband goes to some fair with a friend, who had just
+been rejected by his sister-in-law in favour of the villain. The coast
+being left clear, the villain and his accomplices enter, and we know
+something dreadful is going to happen, for the farmer's wife is gone out
+of the way on purpose not to interrupt. The villain draws a knife and
+drags his sweetheart into an out-house, and then the wife comes on to
+describe what is passing; for the audiences of Sadler's Wells would tear
+up the benches if they dared to murder out of sight, without being told
+what is going on. Accordingly, we hear a scream, and the sister of the
+screamer exclaims,--"Ah, horror! He draws the knife across her throat!
+(Great applause.) But no; she takes up a broken ploughshare and escapes!
+(A slight tendency to hiss.) Now he seizes her hair, he throws her down.
+Ah! see how the blood streams from her----." (Intense delight as the woman
+falls flat upon the boards, supposed to be overcome with dread.) A bloody
+knife, of course, next enters, grasped by the villain; who, as usual,
+remarks he is sorry for what has happened, but it can't be helped, and
+must be made the best of. The woman having suddenly recovered, escapes
+into an additional private box, or trunk, placed on the stage for that
+purpose; stating that she will see what is going on from between the
+cracks. The villain then murders the child, and walks off with his hands
+in his pocket; leaving, as is always the case, the fatal knife in a most
+conspicuous part of the stage, which for some seconds it has all to
+itself. The farmer comes in, takes up the knife, and falls down in a fit,
+just in time for the constables to come in and to take him up for the
+murder. The wife jumps out of the box, and by her assistance a tableau is
+formed for the act-drop to fall to.
+
+Our readers, of course, guess the rest. The farmer is condemned to be
+hanged; and in the last scene he is one of the never-omitted procession to
+the gallows. At the cue, "Now then, I am ready to meet my fate like a
+man," the screech in that case always made and provided is heard at a
+distance. "Hold! hold! he is innocent!" are the next words; and enter the
+wife with a pair of pistols, and a witness. The executioner pardons the
+condemned on his own responsibility; and the villain comes on, on purpose
+to be shot, which is done by the farmer, who seems determined not to be
+accused of murder for nothing.
+
+To these charming series of murders we may add that of the Queen's
+English, which was shockingly maltreated, without the least remorse or
+mitigation.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE TWO LAST IMPORTANT SITTINGS.
+
+Mr. Ross has had the last sitting of the Princess Royal for her portrait,
+and the Tories the last sitting of Mr. Walter for Nottingham.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SIBTHORPIAN PROBLEMS.
+
+Colonel Sibthorp presents his compliments to his dear friend and fellow,
+PUNCH, and seeing in the _Times_ of Wednesday last a long account of the
+extraordinary arithmetical powers of a new calculating machine, invented
+by Mr. Wertheimber, he is desirous of asking the inventor, through the
+ubiquitous pages of PUNCH, whether his, Mr. W.'s apparatus--which, as his
+friend George Robins would say, is a lot which seems to be worthy only of
+the great Bidder--(he thinks he had him there)--whether this automatical
+American, or steam calculator, could solve for him the following
+queries:--
+
+If the House of Commons be divided by Colonel Sibthorp on the Corn Laws,
+how much will it add to his credit?
+
+How many times will a joke of Colonel Sibthorp's go into the London
+newspapers?
+
+Extract the root of Mr. Roebuck's family tree, and say whether it would
+come out in anything but vulgar fractions.
+
+Required the difference between political and imperial measures, and state
+whether the former belong to dry or superficial.
+
+If thirty-six be six square, what is St. James's-square?--and if the first
+circles be resident there, say whether this may not be considered as an
+approximation to the quadrature of the circle.
+
+State the _contents_ of the House of Commons upon the next motion of Sir
+Robert Peel, and whether the malcontents will be greater or less.
+
+Required the capacities in feet between a biped, a quadruped, and a
+centipede, and say whether the foot of Mr. Joseph Hume, being just as
+broad as it is long, may not be considered as a square foot.
+
+Express, in harmonious numbers, the proportion between the rhyme and the
+reason of Mr. Benjamin D'Israeli's revolutionary epic, and say whether
+this is not a question of _inverse_ ratio.
+
+Whether, in political progression, the two extremes, Duke of Newcastle and
+Feargus O'Connor, are equal to the mean Joseph Hume.
+
+Is it possible to multiply the difficulties of the Whigs, and, if so, am I
+the figure for the part?
+
+What is the difference between the squares of Messrs. Tom Spring and John
+Gully, and whether the one is the fourth, fifth, or what power of the
+other?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A SLAP AT JOHN CHINAMAN'S CHOPS.
+
+Peter Borthwick lately arrived at the highest possible pressure of
+indignation, while reading some of the insolent fulminations from the
+Celestial Empire. But Peter was sorely at a loss to account for their
+singular names: he was instantly enlightened by the Finsbury interpreter,
+our Tom Duncombe, who rendered the matter clear by asserting it was
+because the Emperor was very partial to a
+
+[Illustration: CHOP WITH CHINESE SAUCE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+HUME LEEDS--WAKLEY FOLLOWS.
+
+Joe Hume has written over to Wakley (postage unpaid) begging of him to
+take warning by his beating at Leeds; as he much fears, should Mr. Wakley
+continue his present line of conduct, when he next presents himself to his
+Finsbury constituents there is great probability of
+
+[Illustration: FOLLOWING IN THE BEATEN TRACK.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+1, October 23, 1841, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1,
+October 23, 1841, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, October 23, 1841
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14933]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG
+Online Distributed Proofreading
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+<h1>PUNCH,<br />
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+<h2>VOL. 1.</h2>
+<hr class="full" />
+<h2>OCTOBER 23, 1841.</h2>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page169" name="page169"></a>[pg
+169]</span>
+<h2>THE GREAT CREATURE.</h2>
+<p>Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk was a tall young man, a thin
+young man, a pale young man, and, as some of his friends asserted,
+a decidedly knock-kneed young man. Moreover he was a young man
+belonging to and connected with the highly respectable firm of
+Messrs. Tims and Swindle, attorneys and bill-discounters, of
+Thavies&rsquo;-inn, Holborn; from the which highly respectable firm
+Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk received a salary of one pound one
+shilling per week, in requital for his manifold services. The
+vocation in which Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk laboured partook
+peculiarly of the peripatetic; for at all sorts of hours, and
+through all sorts of streets was Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk
+daily accustomed to transport his anatomy&mdash;presenting overdue
+bills, inquiring after absent acceptors, invisible indorsers, and
+departed drawers, for his masters, and wearing out, as he Mr.
+Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk eloquently expressed it, &ldquo;no end
+of boots for himself.&rdquo; Such was the occupation by which Mr.
+Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk lived; but such was not the peculiar
+path to fame for which his soul longed. No! &ldquo;he had seen
+plays, and longed to blaze upon the stage a star of
+light.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>That portion of time which was facetiously called by Messrs.
+Tims and Swindle &ldquo;the leisure&rdquo; of Mr. Horatio
+Fitzharding Fitzfunk, being some eight hours out of the
+twenty-four, was spent in poring over the glorious pages of the
+immortal bard; and in the desperate enthusiasm of his heated genius
+would he, Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk, suddenly burst forth in
+some of the most exciting passages, and with Stentorian lungs
+&ldquo;render night hideous&rdquo; to the startled inhabitant of
+the one-pair-back, adjoining the receptacle of his own truckle-bed
+and mortal frame.</p>
+<p>Luck, whether good or evil, begat Mr. Horatio Fitzharding
+Fitzfunk an introduction to some other talented young gentlemen,
+who had so far progressed in histrionic acquirements, that from
+spouting themselves, they had taken to spouting their watches, and
+other stray articles of small value, to enable them to pay the
+charges of a private theatre, where, as often as they could raise
+the needful, they astonished and delighted their wondering friends.
+Among this worshipful society was Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk
+adopted and enrolled as a trusty and well-beloved member; and in
+the above-named private theatre, in suit of solemn black, slightly
+relieved by an enormous white handkerchief, and a well-chalked
+countenance, did Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk, at or about the
+hour of half past eight&mdash;being precisely sixty minutes behind
+the period announced, in consequence of the non-arrival of the one
+fiddle and ditto flute comprising, or rather that ought to have
+comprised, the orchestra&mdash;made his d&eacute;but, and a
+particularly nervous bow to the good folks there assembled,
+&ldquo;as and for&rdquo; the character &ldquo;of Hamlet, the Danish
+Prince.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>To describe the &ldquo;exclamations of delight,&rdquo; the
+&ldquo;tornadoes of applause,&rdquo; the earthquakes of rapture, or
+the &ldquo;breathless breathing&rdquo; of the entranced audience,
+would beat Mr. Bunn into fits, and the German company into
+fiddle-cases; so, like a newspaper legacy, which is the only one
+that never pays duty, we &ldquo;<em>leave</em> it to our
+reader&rsquo;s imagination.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>The die was cast. Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk&rsquo;s
+former avocations became intensely irksome&mdash;if he served a
+writ it was no longer a &ldquo;writ of right.&rdquo; Copies for
+&ldquo;Jenkins&rdquo; were consigned to &ldquo;Tompkins;&rdquo;
+&ldquo;Brown&rdquo; declined pleading to &ldquo;Smith&rdquo; and
+Smith declared off Brown&rsquo;s declaration. In inquiries after
+&ldquo;solvent acceptors,&rdquo; Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk
+was still more abroad. In the mystification of his brains, all
+answers seemed to be delivered &ldquo;per contra.&rdquo; Forlorn
+hopes on three-and sixpenny stamps were converted into the
+circulating medium; &ldquo;good actors&rdquo; were considered
+&ldquo;good men&rdquo; in the very reverse of Shylock&rsquo;s
+acceptation of the term; and astonished indorsers succeeded in
+&ldquo;raising the wind&rdquo; upon &ldquo;kites&rdquo; they would
+have bet any odds no &ldquo;wind in the world could induce to
+fly.&rdquo; Everything in this world must come to an
+end&mdash;bills generally do in three months: so did these, and so
+did Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk&rsquo;s responsible and
+peripatetic avocations in the highly respectable firm of Messrs.
+Tims and Swindle, attorneys, and to their cost, through the agency
+of Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk, bill-discounters, of
+Thavies&rsquo; Inn, Holborn; they, the said highly respectable firm
+of Tims and Swindle, handing over to Mr. Horatio Fitzharding
+Fitzfunk the sum of four and tenpence, being the balance of his
+quarter&rsquo;s salary, which, so great was Mr. Horatio Fitzharding
+Fitzfunk&rsquo;s opinion of the solvency of the said highly
+respectable firm, he had allowed to remain undrawn in their hands,
+together with a note utterly and totally declining any further
+service or assistance as &ldquo;<em>in</em>&rdquo; or
+&ldquo;<em>out</em>door&rdquo; or any sort of clerk at all, from
+Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk, and amiably recommending the said
+Horatio to apply elsewhere for a character; the which advice Mr.
+Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk attended to instanter, and received,
+in consideration of the sum of thirty shillings, that of
+&ldquo;Richard the Third&rdquo; from the Dramatic Committee of
+Catherine Street. If Hamlet was good, Richard (among the amateurs)
+was better; and if Richard was better, Shylock (at &ldquo;one
+five&rdquo;) was best, and Romeo and all the rest better still: and
+it may be worthy of remark, that there is no person on earth looked
+upon by admiring managers as more certain of success than the
+&ldquo;promising young man who PAYS for his parts.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Now it so happened that Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk&rsquo;s
+purse became an exceedingly &ldquo;Iago&rdquo;-like,
+&ldquo;something, nothing, trashy&rdquo; sort of affair&mdash;in
+other words, that its owner, Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk, was
+regularly stumped; and as the Amateur Dramatic Theatrical Committee
+&ldquo;always go upon the <em>no pay no play system</em>,&rdquo;
+Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk was about to incur the fate of
+Lord John Russell&rsquo;s tragedy, and become regularly
+&ldquo;shelved.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>In this dilemma Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk addressed all
+sorts of letters to all sorts of managers, offering himself for all
+sorts of salaries, to play the best of all sorts of business, but
+never received any sort of answer from one of them! Returning to
+his solitary lodging, after a fortnight&rsquo;s &ldquo;half and
+half&rdquo; of patience and despair, and just as despair was
+walking poor patience to Old Harry, Mr. Horatio Fitzharding
+Fitzfunk encountered one of his histrionic acquaintance, who did
+the &ldquo;three and sixpenny walking gents,&rdquo; and dramatic
+general postmen, or letter-deliverers, at &ldquo;the
+Private.&rdquo; In the course of the enlightened conversation
+between the said friend, Mr. Julius Dilberry Pipps, and Mr. Horatio
+Fitzharding Fitzfunk, Julius Dilberry Pipps expressed an earnest
+wish that he &ldquo;might be blowed considerably tighter than the
+Vauxhall balloon if ever he <em>see</em> such a likeness of Mr.
+Hannibal Fitzflummery Fitzflam,&rdquo; the &ldquo;great actor of
+the day,&rdquo; as his &ldquo;<em>bussom</em> and intimate,&rdquo;
+Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk! A nervous pressure of Mr. Horatio
+Fitzharding Fitzfunk&rsquo;s &ldquo;pickers and stealers&rdquo;
+having nearly reduced to one vast chaos the severely compressed
+digits of the enthusiastic Julius Dilberry Pipps, the invisible
+green broad-cloth envelopments and drab lower encasements, crowned
+with gossamer and based with calf-skin, wherein the total outward
+man of Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk was enrobed, together with
+his ambulating anatomy, evanished from the startled gaze of the
+deserted and finger-contused Julius Dilberry Pipps! Having asserted
+the entire realisation of his hastily-formed wish, in the emphatic
+words, &ldquo;Well, I <em>am</em> blowed!&rdquo; and a further
+comment, stating his conviction that &ldquo;this was
+<em>rayther</em> a rummy go,&rdquo; Mr. Julius Dilberry Pipps
+reduced his exchequer the gross amount of threepence, paid in
+consideration of the instant receipt of &ldquo;a pint
+o&rsquo;porter and screw,&rdquo; to the fumigation of which he
+applied with such excessive vigour, that in a few moments he might
+be said, by his own exertions in &ldquo;blowing a cloud,&rdquo; to
+be corporeally as well as mentally &ldquo;in nubibus.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>To account for the rapid departure of Mr. Horatio Fitzharding
+Fitzfunk, we must inform our readers the supposed similarity
+alluded to by Julius Dilberry Pipps, between the &ldquo;great
+creature,&rdquo; Hannibal Fitzflummery Fitzflam, and Horatio
+Fitzharding Fitzfunk, had been before frequently insisted upon: and
+this assertion of the obtuse Julius Dilberry Pipps now seemed
+&ldquo;confirmation strong as proof of holy writ.&rdquo; Agitated
+with conflicting emotions, and regardless of small children and
+apple-stalls, Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk rushed on with
+headlong speed, every now and then ejaculating, &ldquo;I&rsquo;ll
+do it, I&rsquo;ll do it!&rdquo; A sudden overhauling of his pockets
+produced some stray halfpence; master of a &ldquo;Queen&rsquo;s
+head,&rdquo; a sheet of vellum, a new &ldquo;Mordaunt,&rdquo; and
+an &ldquo;envelope,&rdquo; Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk,
+arrived at his three-pair-back, indited an epistle to the manager
+at the town of &mdash;&mdash;, with extraordinary haste signed the
+document, and, in &ldquo;the hurry of the moment,&rdquo; left the
+inscription thus&mdash;H.F. FITZFLAM! The morrow&rsquo;s post
+brought an answer; the terms were acceded to, the night appointed
+for his opening; and Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk found, upon
+inspecting the proof of the playbill, the name in full of
+&ldquo;<em>Mr. Hannibal Fitzflummery Fitzflam</em>,&rdquo;
+&ldquo;the great tragedian of the day!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Pass we over the intervening space, and at once come to the
+momentous morning of rehearsal. The expected Roscius arrived like
+punctuality&rsquo;s self, at the appointed minute, was duly
+received by the company, who had previously been canvassing his
+merits, and assuring each other that all stars were <em>muffs</em>,
+but Fitzflam one of the most impudent impostors that ever moved.
+&ldquo;I, sir,&rdquo; said the leader of the discontented
+fifteen-shillings-a-week-when-they-could-get-it squad, &ldquo;I
+have been in the <em>profession</em> more years than this fellow
+has months, and he is getting hundreds where I am neglected: never
+mind! only give me a chance, and I&rsquo;ll show him up. But I
+suppose the management&mdash;(pretty management, to engage such a
+chap when I&rsquo;m here)&mdash;I suppose they will truckle to him,
+and send me on, as usual, for some wretched old bloke there&rsquo;s
+no getting a hand in. John Kemble himself (and I&rsquo;m told
+I&rsquo;m in his style), I say, John Kemble, my prototype, the now
+immortal John, never got applause in
+&lsquo;<em>Blokes!</em>&lsquo;&mdash;But never mind.&rdquo; As a
+genealogist would say, &ldquo;Fitz the son of Funk&rdquo; never
+more truly represented his ancestral cognomen than on this trying
+occasion. He was no longer with amateurs, but
+regulars,&mdash;fellows that could &ldquo;talk and get on
+somehow;&rdquo; that were never known to stick in Richard, when
+they remembered a speech from George Barnwell; men with
+&ldquo;swallows&rdquo; like Thames tunnels: in fact, accomplished
+&ldquo;gaggers&rdquo; and unrivalled &ldquo;wing watchers.&rdquo;
+However, as Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk spoke to none of them,
+crossed where he liked, cut out most of <em>their</em> best
+speeches, and turned <em>all</em> their <em>backs</em> to the
+audience, he passed muster exceedingly well, and acted the genuine
+star with considerable effect. So it was at night. Some folks
+objected to his knees, to be sure; but then they were
+silenced&mdash;&ldquo;What! Fitzflam&rsquo;s knees bad! Nonsense!
+Fitzflam is the thing in London; and do you think Fitzflam ought to
+be decried in the provinces? hasn&rsquo;t he been lithographed by
+Lane? Pooh! impudence! spite!&rdquo; The great <em>name</em> made
+Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk &ldquo;the great man,&rdquo; and
+all went swimmingly. On the last night of his engagement, the night
+devoted to his benefit, the house was crammed, and Mr. <span class=
+"pagenum"><a id="page170" name="page170"></a>[pg 170]</span>Horatio
+Fitzharding Fitzfunk, reflecting that all was &ldquo;cock
+sure,&rdquo; as he should pocket the proceeds and return to London
+undiscovered, was elevated to Mahomet&rsquo;s seventh heaven of
+happiness, awaiting with impatience the prompter&rsquo;s whistle
+and the raising of the curtain: where for a time we will leave him,
+and attend upon the real &ldquo;Simon Pure&rdquo;&mdash;the genuine
+and &ldquo;old original Hannibal Fitzflummery Fitzflam.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>(<em>To be continued.</em>)</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>ATRY-ANGLE.</h3>
+<p>SIR R. PEEL has been recently so successful in fishing for
+adherents, that, since bobbing so cleverly for Wakley, he has
+baited his hook afresh, and intends to start for Minto House
+forthwith; having his eye upon a certain small fish that is ever
+seen <em>Russell</em>ing among the sedges in troubled waters. We
+trust Sir Bob will succeed this time in</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/015-01.png"><img src=
+"images/015-01.png" alt="Three men talk." id="img015-01" name=
+"img015-01" width="50%" /></a>
+<p>FISHING FOR JACK.</p>
+</div>
+<hr class="full" />
+<h2>PUNCH&rsquo;S COMMISSION TO INQUIRE INTO THE GENERAL
+DISTRESS.</h2>
+<h4>I.&mdash;<em>Copy of a Letter from the Under Secretary of State
+to Punch.</em></h4>
+<p class="rgt">Downing-street.</p>
+<p>Sir,&mdash;Knowing that you are everywhere, the Secretary of
+State has desired me to request you will inquire into the alleged
+distress, and particularly into the fact of people who it is
+alleged are so unreasonable in their expectations of food, as to
+die because they cannot get any.</p>
+<p class="rgt">I have the honour to be, &amp;c.<br />
+HORATIO FITZ-SPOONY</p>
+<h4>II.&mdash;<em>Copy of Punch&rsquo;s Letter to the Under
+Secretary of State.</em></h4>
+<p>Sir,&mdash;I have received your note. I am everywhere; but as
+everything is gay when I make my appearance, I have not seen much
+of the distress you speak of. I shall, however, make it my business
+to look the subject up, and will convey my report to the
+Government.</p>
+<p class="rgt">I think it no honour to be yours, &amp;c.; but<br />
+I have the very great honour to be myself without any &amp;c.<br />
+PUNCH.</p>
+<p>In compliance with the above correspondence, Punch proceeded to
+make the necessary inquiries, and very soon was enabled to forward
+the following</p>
+<h3>REPORT ON THE PUBLIC DISTRESS.</h3>
+<h4><em>To Her Majesty&rsquo;s Secretary of State for the Home
+Department.</em></h4>
+<p>Sir,&mdash;In compliance with my undertaking to inquire into the
+public distress, I went into the manufacturing districts, where I
+had heard that several families were living in one room with
+nothing to eat, and no bed to lie upon. Now, though it is true that
+there are in some places as many as thirty people in one apartment,
+I do not think their case very distressing, because, at all events,
+they have the advantage of society, which could not be the case if
+they were residing in separate apartments. It is clear that their
+living together must be a matter of choice, because I found in the
+same town several extensive mansions inhabited by one or two people
+and a few servants; and there are also some hundreds of houses
+wholly untenanted. Now, if we multiply the houses by the rooms in
+them, and then divide by the number of the population, we should
+find that there will be an average of three attics and
+two-sitting-rooms for each family of five persons, or an attic and
+a half with one parlour for every two and a half individuals; and
+though one person and a half would find it inconvenient to occupy a
+sleeping room and three-quarters, I think my calculation will show
+you that the accounts of the insufficiency of lodging are gross and
+wicked exaggerations, only spread by designing persons to embarrass
+the Government.</p>
+<p>With regard to the starvation part of the question, I have made
+every possible inquiry, and it is true that several people have
+died because they would not eat food; for the facts I shall bring
+to your notice will prove that no one can have perished from the
+<em>want</em> of it. Now, after visiting a family, which I was told
+were in a famishing state, what was my surprise to observe a
+baker&rsquo;s shop exactly opposite their lodging, whilst a short
+way down the street there was a butcher&rsquo;s also! The family
+consisted of a husband and wife, four girls, eight boys, and an
+infant of three weeks old, making in all fifteen individuals. They
+told me they were literally dying of hunger, and that they had
+applied to the vestry, who had referred them to the guardians, who
+had referred them to the overseer, who had referred them to the
+relieving officer, who had gone out of town, and would be back in a
+week or two. Not even supposing there were a brief delay in
+attending to their case, at least by the proper authorities, you
+will perceive that I have already alluded to a baker&rsquo;s and a
+butcher&rsquo;s, <em>both</em> (it will scarcely be believed at the
+Home-office) in the <em>very street</em> the family were residing
+in. Being determined to judge for myself, I counted personally the
+number of four-pound loaves in the baker&rsquo;s window, which
+amounted to thirty-six, while there were twenty-five two-pound
+loaves on the shelves, to say nothing of fancy-bread and flour
+<em>ad libitum</em>. But let us take the loaves alone,</p>
+<table summary="Loaf count" style="margin:auto">
+<tr>
+<td></td>
+<td style="text-align:right">36</td>
+<td>loaves, each weighing four pounds,</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>Multiplied by</td>
+<td style=
+"text-align:right;border-bottom-width:1pt; border-bottom-style:solid;">
+4</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>will give</td>
+<td style="text-align:right">144</td>
+<td>pounds of wheaten bread;</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>To which must be added</td>
+<td style=
+"text-align:right;border-bottom-width:1pt; border-bottom-style:solid;">
+50</td>
+<td>pounds (the weight of the 25 half-qtns.),</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>Making a total of</td>
+<td style="text-align:right">194</td>
+<td>pounds of good wholesome bread,</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+<p>which, if divided amongst a family of fifteen, would give 12
+pounds and 14 fractions of a pound to each individual. Knocking off
+the baby, for the sake of uniformity, and striking out the mother,
+both of whom might be supposed to take the fancy bread and the
+flour, which I have not included in my calculation, and in order to
+get even numbers, supposing that 194 pounds of bread might become
+195 pounds by over weight, we should get the enormous quantity of
+fifteen full pounds weight of bread, or a stone and one-fourteenth,
+(more, positively, than anybody ought to eat), for the husband and
+each of the children (except the baby, who gets a moiety of the
+rolls) belonging to this <em>starving family</em>!!! You will see,
+Sir, how shamefully matters have been misrepresented by the
+Anti-Corn-Law demagogues; but let us now come to the
+butcher&rsquo;s meat.</p>
+<p>It will hardly be credited that I counted no less than fourteen
+sheep hanging up in the shop I have alluded to, while there was a
+bullock being skinned in the back yard, and a countless quantity of
+liver and lights all over the premises. Knocking off the infant
+again for the sake of uniformity, you will perceive that the
+fourteen sheep would be one sheep each for every member of this
+family, including the mother, to whom we gave half the rolls and
+flour in the former case, and there still remains (to say nothing
+of the entire bullock for the baby of three weeks, which no one
+will deny to be sufficient) a large quantity of lights, et cetera,
+for the cat or dog, if there should be such a wilful extravagance
+in the family. With these facts I close my report, and I trust that
+you will see how thoroughly I have proved the assertion of the Duke
+of Wellington&mdash;that if there is distress, it must be in some
+way quite unconnected with a want of food, for there is plenty to
+eat in every part of the country.</p>
+<p>I shall be happy to undertake further inquiries, and shall have
+no objection to consider myself regularly under Government.</p>
+<p class="rgt">Yours obediently,<br />
+PUNCH.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>THE TEA SERVICE ON SEA SERVICE.</h3>
+<p>LORD JOCELYN, in his recent work upon China, while writing upon
+the pastimes and amusements of the people, expresses great
+satisfaction at the entertainment afforded travellers in their
+private assemblies; though he confesses, as a general principle, he
+should always avoid making one in the more promiscuous</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/015-02.png"><img src=
+"images/015-02.png" alt="A sea-going ship guns and sinks a junk."
+id="img015-02" name="img015-02" width="50%" /></a>
+<p>CHINESE JUNKETTING.</p>
+</div>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page171" name="page171"></a>[pg
+171]</span>
+<h2>THE HEIR OF APPLEBITE.</h2>
+<h3>CHAPTER VII.</h3>
+<h4>CONTAINS A VERY FAIR BILL OF FARE.</h4>
+<div class="dropcap"><a href="images/015-03.png"><img src=
+"images/015-03.png" alt="A vine-covered S" id="img015-03" name=
+"img015-03" width="100%" /></a></div>
+<span class="hide">S</span>imultaneously with the last chord of the
+last quadrille the important announcement was made that supper was
+ready&mdash;a piece of information that produced a visible
+commotion among the party. Young gentlemen who had incautiously
+engaged old or ugly partners evinced a decided desire to get rid of
+them, or, by the expression of their countenances, seemed to be
+inwardly cursing their unfortunate situation. Young ladies in whose
+bosoms the first &ldquo;slight predilection&rdquo; had taken up a
+residence, experienced, they knew not why, a mental and physical
+prostration at the absence of Orlando Sims or Tom Walker, who (how
+provoking!) were doing the gallant to some &ldquo;horrid
+disagreeable coquettes.&rdquo; Mamas, who really did like a good
+supper, and considered it an integral portion of their daily
+sustenance, crowded towards the door that led to the comestibles,
+fearing that they might not get eligible situations before the
+solids, but be placed among the bashful young gentlemen, who linger
+to the last to pull off their gloves in order to pull them on
+again, and look as though they considered they ought to be happy
+and were extremely surprised that they were not.
+<p>The arrangement of the supper-table displayed the deep research
+of Mesdames Applebite and Waddledot in the mysteries of
+gastronomical architecture. Pagodas of barley-sugar glistened in
+the rays of thirty-six wax candles and four Argand
+lamps&mdash;parterres of jellies, gravelled round with ratafias or
+valanced with lemon-peel, trembled as though in sympathy with the
+agitated bosoms of their delicate concocters&mdash;custards
+freckled with nutmeg clustered the crystal handles of their cups
+together&mdash;sarcophagi of pound cakes frowned, as it were, upon
+the sweetness which surrounded them&mdash;whilst fawn-coloured
+elephants (from the confectionary menagerie of the celebrated
+Simpson of the Strand) stood ready to be slaughtered. Huge
+stratified pies courted the inquiries of appetite. Chickens boiled
+and roast reposed on biers of blue china bedecked with sprigs of
+green parsley and slices of yellow lemon. Tanks of golden sherry
+and</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/015-04.png"><img src=
+"images/015-04.png" alt="A 'Pasha' smokes a pipe." id="img015-04"
+name="img015-04" width="50%" /></a>
+<p>FULL-BODIED PORTE</p>
+</div>
+<p>wooed the thirsty revellers; and never since the unlucky dessert
+of Mother Eve have temptations been so willingly embraced. The
+carnage commenced&mdash;spoons dived into the jelly&mdash;knives
+lacerated the poultry and the raised pies&mdash;a colony of
+custards vanished in a moment&mdash;the elephants were demolished
+by &ldquo;ivories<sup>1</sup><span class="sidenote">1.
+<em>Anglic&egrave;</em>, Teeth.&mdash;THE <em>one</em>
+PIERCE.</span>&rdquo;&mdash;the sarcophagi were buried&mdash;and
+the glittering pagodas melted rapidly before the heat and the
+attacks of four little ladies in white muslin and pink sashes. The
+tanks of sherry and port were distributed by the young gentlemen
+into the glasses and over the dresses of the young ladies. The
+tipsy-cake, like the wreck of the <em>Royal George</em>, was
+rescued from the foaming ocean in which it had been imbedded. The
+diffident young gentlemen grew very red about the eyes, and very
+loquacious about the &ldquo;next set after supper;&rdquo; whilst
+the faces of the elderly ladies all over lie room looked like the
+red lamps on Westminster Bridge, and ought to have been beacons to
+warn the inexperienced that where they shone there was very little
+water. The violent clattering of the plates was at length succeeded
+by a succession of merry giggles and provoking little screams,
+occasioned by the rapid discharge of a park of
+<em>bonbons</em>.</p>
+<p>Where the &ldquo;slight predilection&rdquo; was reciprocated,
+the Orlando Simses and the Tom Walkers were squeezing in beside the
+blushing idols of their worship and circling the waists of their
+divinities with their arms, in order to take up less room on the
+rout-stool.</p>
+<p>Mamas were shaking heads at daughters who had ventured upon a
+tenth sip of a glass of sherry. Papas were getting extremely
+jocular about the probability of becoming grand-dittos. Everybody
+else was doing exactly what everybody pleased, when Mrs.
+Applebite&rsquo;s uncle John emerged from behind an epergne, and
+vociferously commanded everybody to charge their glasses; a
+requisition which nobody was bold enough to dispute. Uncle John
+then wiped his lips in the table-cloth, and proceeded to inform the
+company of a fact that was universally understood, that they had
+met there to celebrate the first dental dawn of the heir of
+Applebite. &ldquo;I have only to refer you,&rdquo; said uncle John,
+&ldquo;to the floor of the next room for the response to my
+request&mdash;namely, that you will drain your glasses; and, in the
+words of nephew Agamemnon Collumpsion Applebite, &lsquo;partake of
+our dental delight.&rsquo;&rdquo; This eloquent address was
+followed by immense cheering and a shower of sherry bottoms, which
+the gentlemen in their &ldquo;entusymusy&rdquo; scattered around
+them as Hesperus is reported to dispense his tee-total drops.</p>
+<p>Nothing could be going on better&mdash;no woman could feel
+prouder than Mrs. Waddledot, when&mdash;we hope you don&rsquo;t
+anticipate the catastrophe&mdash;when two of the Argand lamps gave
+olfactory demonstrations of dissolution. Sperm oil is a brilliant
+illuminator, but we never knew any one except an Esquimaux, or a
+Russian, who preferred it to lavender-water as a perfume. Old John
+was in a muddle of misery&mdash;evidently</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/015-05.png"><img src=
+"images/015-05.png" alt=
+"A man looks down on a cradle with twin babies in it." id=
+"img015-05" name="img015-05" width="50%" /></a>
+<p>LOOKING DOWN UPON HIS LUCK.&mdash;</p>
+</div>
+<p>and was only relieved from his embarrassment by the following
+fortunate occurrence:&mdash;</p>
+<p>By-the-bye, we have just recollected that we have an invitation
+to dinner. Reader&mdash;<em>au revoir</em>.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>NEW WORKS NOW IN THE PRESS.</h3>
+<p>An Abstract and Brief Chronicle of the Times. Very small
+duodecimo. By Mr. ROEBUCK.</p>
+<p>A New Dissertation on the Anatomy of the Figures of the
+Multiplication Table. By JOSEPH HUME.</p>
+<p>Outlines of the Late Ministry, after <em>Ten Years</em>
+(Teniers). By Lord MELBOURNE.</p>
+<p>Recollections of Place. By Lord JOHN RUSSELL.</p>
+<p>Mythological Tract upon the Heathen Deity Cupid. By Lord
+PALMERSTON.</p>
+<p>Explanatory Annotations on the Abstruse Works of the late Joseph
+(<em>vulgo</em> Joe) Miller. With a humorous etching of his
+tombstone, and Original Epitaph. By Colonel SIBTHORP.</p>
+<p>Also, by the same Author, an Ornithological Treatise on the
+various descriptions of Water-fowl; showing the difference between
+Russia and other Ducks, and why the former are invariably sold in
+pairs.</p>
+<p>A few words on Indefinite Subjects, supposed to be Sir Robert
+Peel&rsquo;s Future Intentions. By Mr. WAKLEY.</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page172" name="page172"></a>[pg
+172]</span>
+<h2>AMERICAN CONGRESS.</h2>
+<p>We hasten to lay before our readers the following authentic
+reports of the latest debates in the United States&rsquo; Congress,
+which have been forwarded to us by our peculiarly and especially
+exclusive Reporters.</p>
+<p><em>New York.</em>&mdash;The greatest possible excitement exists
+here, agitating alike the bosoms of the Whites, the Browns, and the
+Blacks; a universal sympathy appears to exist among all classes,
+the greater portion of whom are looking exceedingly blue. The
+all-absorbing question as to whether the &ldquo;war is to be or not
+to be,&rdquo; seems an exceedingly difficult one to answer. One
+party says &ldquo;Yes,&rdquo; and another party says
+&ldquo;No,&rdquo; and a third party says the above parties
+&ldquo;Lie in their teeth;&rdquo; and thereupon issue is joined,
+and bowie-knives are exchanged&mdash;the &ldquo;Yes&rdquo; walking
+away with &ldquo;No&rsquo;s&rdquo; sheathed in the middle of his
+back, and the &ldquo;No&rdquo; making up for his loss by securing
+the &ldquo;Yes&rsquo;s&rdquo; somewhere between his ribs. All the
+black porters are looking out for light jobs, and rushing about
+with shutters and cards of address, bearing high-minded
+&ldquo;Loco-focos&rdquo; and shot-down &ldquo;democrats&rdquo; to
+their respective surgeons and houses. This unusual bustle and
+activity gives the more political parts of the city an exceedingly
+brisk appearance, and has caused most of the eminent surgeons, not
+attached to either party, to be regularly retained by the principal
+speakers in these most interesting debates.</p>
+<p>In Congress great attention is paid to the comfort of the
+various members, who are all provided with spittoons, though they
+are by no means compelled to tie themselves down to the exclusive
+use of those expectorant receptacles; on the contrary, much
+ingenuity is shown by some of the more practised in picking out
+other deposits; a vast majority of the Kentuckians will back
+themselves to &ldquo;shoot through&rdquo; the opposition
+member&rsquo;s nose and eye-glass without touching &ldquo;flesh or
+flints.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>The prevailing opinion appears to be, that should we come to a
+fight they will completely alter the costume of the country, and
+&ldquo;whop us into fits.&rdquo; Their style of elocution is
+masterly in the extreme, redolent with the sagest deductions, and
+overflowing with a magnificent and truly Eastern redundancy of the
+most poetical tropes. I will now proceed to give you an extract
+from the celebrated speaker on the war side&mdash;&ldquo;the
+renowned Jonathan J. Twang.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I rather calculate that tarnal, pisoned, alligator of a
+ring-tailed, roaring, pestiferous, rattlesnake, that critter
+&lsquo;the Old Country,&rsquo; would jist about give up one half
+its skin, and wriggle itself slick out of the other, rayther than
+go for to put our dander up at this present identical out-and-out
+important critical crisis! I conceit their min&rsquo;stry have got
+jist about into as considerable a tarnation nasty fix, as a naked
+nigger in the stocks when the mosquitoes are steaming up a little
+beyond high pressure. I guess Prince Albert and the big uns
+don&rsquo;t find their seats quite as soft as buttered eels in a
+mud bank! Look here&mdash;isn&rsquo;t it considerable clear
+they&rsquo;re all funking like burnt Cayenne in a clay pipe; or
+couldn&rsquo;t they have made a raise some how to get a ship of
+their own, or borrow one, to send after that caged-up &rsquo;coon
+of a Macleod? It&rsquo;s my notion, and pretty considerable clear
+to me, they&rsquo;re all bounce, like bad chesnuts, very well to
+look at, but come to try them at the fire for a roast, and they
+turn out puff and shell. They talk of war as the boy did of
+whipping his father, but like him, they daresn&rsquo;t do it, and
+why not? why, for the following elegant reasons:&mdash;Since they
+have been used to the advantages of doing their little retail trade
+with our own go-ahead and carry-all-before-it right slick-up-an-end
+double-distilled essence of a genuine fine and civilised country,
+the everlasting &rsquo;possums have become habituated to some of
+the manners of our enlightened inhabitants. We have nothing to do
+but refuse the supply of cottons, and leave them all with as little
+shirts to their backs as wool on a skinned eel. Isn&rsquo;t it the
+intercourse with this here country that enables them to speak their
+very language with something rayther like a leetle correctness,
+though they&rsquo;re just about as far behind us as the last jint
+of the sea-sarpent is from his eye-tooth?</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Doesn&rsquo;t all international law consist in keeping an
+everlasting bright look-out on your own side, and jamming all other
+varments slick through a stone wall, as the waggon-wheel used up
+the lame frog? (Hear, hear.) I say&mdash;and mind you I&rsquo;ll
+stick to it like a starved sloth to the back of a fat babby&mdash;I
+say, gentlemen, this country, the United States (particularly
+Kentucky, from which I come, and which will whip all the rest with
+out-straws and rotten bull-rushes agin pike, bagnet, mortars, and
+all their almighty fine artillery), I say, then, this country is
+considerable like a genuine fac-simile of the waggon-wheel, and the
+pretty oneasy busted-up old worn-out island of the bull-headed
+Britishers, ain&rsquo;t nothing more than the tee-totally used-up
+frog. (Hear, hear.)</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I expect they&rsquo;d have just as much chance with us as
+a muzzled monkey with a hiccory-nut. Talk of their fleet!
+I&rsquo;ll bet six live niggers to a dead &rsquo;coon, our genuine
+Yankee clippers will whip them into as bad a fix as a flying-fish
+with a gull at his head and a shark at his tail. They&rsquo;re jist
+about as much out of their reckoning as the pig that took to
+swimming for his health and cut his throat trying it on.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;It&rsquo;s everlasting strange to me if, to all future
+posterity coming after us, the word &lsquo;Macleod&rsquo;
+don&rsquo;t shut up their jaws from bragging of British valour just
+about as tight as the death-squeeze of a boa-constrictor round a
+smashed-up buffalo!</p>
+<p>&ldquo;If it wa&rsquo;n&rsquo;t for the distance and leaving my
+plantation, I&rsquo;d go over with any on you, and help to use up
+the lot myself! Let them &lsquo;come on,&rsquo; as the tiger said
+to the young kid, and see what &lsquo;I&rsquo;ll do for you.&rsquo;
+They talk of sending out their chaps here, do they; let them;
+they&rsquo;ll be just about as happy as a toad in hot tar, and
+that&rsquo;s a fact.&rdquo; Here Jonathan J. Twang sat down amid
+immense cheers; at the conclusion of which, Mr. Peter P. Pellican,
+from the back-woods, requested&mdash;he, Peter P. Pellican, being
+from <em>Orleans</em>&mdash;that Mr. Jonathan J. Twang would
+retract certain words derogatory to the state represented by Peter
+P. Pellican. Mr. Jonathan J. Twang replied in the following
+determined refusal:&mdash;&ldquo;I beg to inform the last speaker,
+Mr. Peter P. Pellican, from the back-woods, that I&rsquo;ll see him
+tee-totatiously tarred, feathered, and physicked with red-hot oil
+and fish-hooks, before I&rsquo;ll retract one eternal syllable of
+my pretty particular correct assertions.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>This announcement created considerable confusion. The President
+behaved in the most impartial and manly manner, indiscriminately
+knocking down all such of both parties who came within reach of his
+mace, and not leaving the chair until he had received two black
+eyes and lost two front teeth. The general
+<em>m&ecirc;l&eacute;e</em> was carried on with immense spirit; the
+more violent members on either side pummelling each other with the
+most hearty and legislative determination. This exciting scene was
+continued for some time, until during a short cessation a member
+with a broken leg proposed an adjournment till the following day,
+when the further discussion could be carried on with Bowie-knives
+and pistols; this proposition was at once acceded to with immense
+delight by all parties. If well enough (as I have two broken ribs,
+my share of the row) I will forward you an authentic statement of
+this interesting proceeding.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>EPITAPH ON A CANDLE.</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>A <em>wicked</em> one lies buried here,</p>
+<p class="i2">Who died in a <em>decline</em>;</p>
+<p>He never rose in rank, I fear,</p>
+<p class="i2">Though he was born to <em>shine</em>.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>He once was <em>fat</em>, but now, indeed,</p>
+<p class="i2">He&rsquo;s thin as any griever;</p>
+<p>He died,&mdash;the Doctors all agreed,</p>
+<p class="i2">Of a most <em>burning</em> fever.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>One thing of him is said with truth,</p>
+<p class="i2">With which I&rsquo;m much amused;</p>
+<p>It is&mdash;That when he stood, forsooth,</p>
+<p class="i2">A <em>stick</em> he always used.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Now <em>winding-sheets</em> he sometimes made,</p>
+<p class="i2">But this was not enough,</p>
+<p>For finding it a poorish trade,</p>
+<p class="i2">He also dealt in <em>snuff</em>.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>If e&rsquo;er you said &ldquo;<em>Go out</em>, I
+pray,&rdquo;</p>
+<p class="i2">He much ill nature show&rsquo;d;</p>
+<p>On such occasions he would say,</p>
+<p class="i2">&ldquo;Vy, if I do, <em>I&rsquo;m
+blow&rsquo;d</em>.&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>In this his friends do all agree,</p>
+<p class="i2">Although you&rsquo;ll think I&rsquo;m joking,</p>
+<p>When <em>going out</em> &rsquo;tis said that he</p>
+<p class="i2">Was very fond of <em>smoking</em>.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Since all religion he despised,</p>
+<p class="i2">Let these few words suffice,</p>
+<p>Before he ever was baptized</p>
+<p class="i2">They <em>dipp&rsquo;d</em> him once or twice.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>SIBTHORP ON BORTHWICK.</h3>
+<p>Our Sibthorp, while speaking of the asinine qualities of Peter
+Borthwick, remarked, that in his opinion that respectable member of
+the Lower House must be indebted to the celebrated medicine
+promising extreme &ldquo;length of ears,&rdquo; and advertised
+as</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/015-06.png"><img src=
+"images/015-06.png" alt="A man canes a boy." id="img015-06" name=
+"img015-06" width="50%" /></a>
+<p>PARR&rsquo;S SPECIFIC.</p>
+</div>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page173" name="page173"></a>[pg
+173]</span>
+<h2>FIRE! FIRE!</h2>
+<h3>A REMONSTRANCE WITH THE NINTH OF NOVEMBER.</h3>
+<p>How melancholy an object is a &ldquo;polished front,&rdquo; that
+vain-glorious and inhospitable array of cold steel and willow
+shavings, in which the emancipated hearth is annually constrained
+by careful housewives to signalise the return of summer, and its
+own consequent degradation from being a part of the family to
+become a piece of mere formal furniture. And truly in cold weather,
+which (thanks to the climate, for we love our country) is all the
+weather we get in England, the fire is a most important individual
+in a house: one who exercises a bland authority over the tempers of
+all the other inmates&mdash;for who could quarrel with his feet on
+the fender? one with whom everybody is anxious to be well&mdash;for
+who would fall out with its genial glow? one who submits with a
+graceful resignation to the caprices of every casual
+elbow&mdash;and who has never poked a fire to death? one whose good
+offices have endeared him alike to the selfish and to the
+cultivated,&mdash;at once a host, a mediator, and an
+occupation.</p>
+<p>We have often had our doubts (but then we are partial) whether
+it be not possible to carry on a conversation with a fire. With the
+aid of an evening newspaper by way of interpreter, and in strict
+confidence, no third party being present, we feel that it can be
+done. Was there an interesting debate last night? were the
+ministers successful, or did the opposition carry it? In either
+case, did not the fire require a vigorous poke just as you came to
+the division? and did not its immediate flame, or, on the contrary,
+its dull, sullen glow, give you the idea that it entertained its
+own private opinions on the subject? And if those opinions seemed
+contrary to yours, did you not endeavour to betray the sparks into
+an untenable position, by submitting them to the gentle sophistry
+of a poker nicely insinuated between the bars? or did you not
+quench with a sudden retort of small coal its impertinent
+congratulation at an unfortunate result? until, when its cordial
+glow, penetrating that unseemly shroud, has given evidence of
+self-conviction, you felt that you had dealt too harshly with an
+old friend, and hastened to make it up with him again by a playful
+titillation, more in jest than earnest.</p>
+<p>But this is all to come. Not yet (with us) have the kindly old
+bars, reverend in their attenuation, been restored to their
+time-honoured throne; not yet have the dingy festoons of pink and
+white paper disappeared from the garish mantel. Still desolate and
+cheerless shows the noble edifice. The gaunt chimney yawns still in
+sick anticipation of deferred smoke. The &ldquo;irons,&rdquo;
+innocent of coal, and polished to the tip, skulk and cower
+sympathetically into the extreme corner of the fender. The very rug
+seems ghastly and grim, wanting the kindly play of the excited
+flame. We have no comfort in the parlour yet: even the privileged
+kitten, wandering in vain in search of a resting-place, deems it
+but a chill dignity which has withdrawn her from the warm couch
+before the kitchen-fire. Things have become too real for home. We
+have no joy now in those delicious loiterings for the five minutes
+before dinner&mdash;those casual snatches of Sterne, those scraps
+of Steele. We have left off smiling; we are impregnable even to a
+pun. What <em>is</em> the day of the month?</p>
+<p>Surely were not October retrospectively associated (in April and
+glorious May) with the grateful magnificence of ale, none would be
+so unpopular as the chilly month. There is no period in which so
+much of what ladies call &ldquo;unpleasantness&rdquo; occurs, no
+season when that mysterious distemper known as
+&ldquo;warming&rdquo; is so epidemic, as in October. It is a time
+when, in default of being conventionally cold, every one becomes
+intensely cool. A general chill pervades the domestic virtues:
+hospitality is aguish, and charity becomes more than proverbially
+numb.</p>
+<p>In twenty days how different an appearance will things wear! The
+magic circle round the hearth will be filled with beaming faces; a
+score of hands will be luxuriously chafing the palpable warmth
+dispensed by a social blaze; some more privileged feet may
+perchance be basking in the extraordinary recesses of the fender.
+We shall consult the thermometer to enjoy the cold weather by
+contrast with the glowing comfort within. We shall remark how
+&ldquo;time flies,&rdquo; and that &ldquo;it seems only yesterday
+since we had a fire before;&rdquo; forgetful of the hideous night
+and the troublous dreams that have intervened since those sweet
+memories. And all this&mdash;in twenty days.</p>
+<p>We are no innovators: we respect all things for their age, and
+some for their youth. But we would hope that, in humbly looking for
+a fire in the cold weather, even though November be still in the
+store of time, we should be exhibiting no dangerous propensities.
+If, as we are inclined to believe, fires were discovered previously
+to the invention of lord mayors, wherefore should we defer our
+accession to them until he is welcomed by those frigid antiquities
+Gog and Magog? Wherefore not let fires go out with the old lord
+mayor, if they needs must come in with the new? Wherefore not do
+without lord mayors altogether, and elect an annual grate to judge
+the prisoners at the <em>bar</em> in the Mansion House, and to
+listen to the quirks of the facetious Mr. <em>Hob</em>-ler?</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>AN APPROPRIATE GIFT.</h3>
+<p>We perceive that the fair dames of Nottingham have, with
+compassionate liberality, presented to Mr. Walter, one of the Tory
+candidates at the late election, a silver <em>salver</em>. What a
+delicate and appropriate gift for a man so beaten as Master
+Walter!&mdash;the pretty dears knew where he was hurt, and applied
+a silver salve&mdash;we beg pardon, <em>salver</em>&mdash;to his
+wounds. We trust the remedy may prove consolatory to the poor
+gentleman.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>NOT A STEP FA(R)THER.</h3>
+<p>The diminutive chroniclers of Animalcula-Chatter, called
+small-talk, have been giving a minute description of the goings on
+of His Grace of Wellington at Walmer. They hint that he sleeps and
+wakes by clock-work, eats by the ounce, and drinks and walks by
+measure. During the latter recreation, it is his <em>pleasure</em>,
+they tell us, to use one of <em>Payne&rsquo;s</em> pedometers to
+regulate his march. Thus it is quite clear the great Captain will
+never become a</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/015-07.png"><img src=
+"images/015-07.png" alt="A man walks with a girl and a baby." id=
+"img015-07" name="img015-07" width="50%" /></a>
+<p>&ldquo;SOLDIER TIRED.&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>A MALE DUE.</h3>
+<p>The Post-office in Downing-street has been besieged by various
+inquirers, who are anxiously seeking for some information as to the
+expected arrival of the Royal Male.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>CURIOUS SYNONYMS.</h3>
+<p>Sir Peter Laurie discovered during his residence in Boulogne
+that <em>veau</em> is the French for <em>veal</em>. On his return
+to England, being at a public dinner, he exhibited his knowledge of
+the tongues by asking a brother alderman for a slice of his
+<em>weal</em> or <em>woe</em>.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>HAPPY LAND!</h3>
+<p>Six young girls, inmates of the Lambeth workhouse, were brought
+up at Union Hall, charged with breaking several squares of glass.
+In their defence, they complained that they had been treated worse
+in the workhouse than they would be in prison, and said that it was
+to cause their committal to the latter place they committed the
+mischief. What a beautiful picture of moral England this little
+anecdote exhibits! What must be the state of society in a country
+where crime is punished less severely than poverty?</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Old England, bless&rsquo;d and favour&rsquo;d clime!</p>
+<p class="i2">Where paupers to thy prisons run;</p>
+<p>Where poverty&rsquo;s the only crime</p>
+<p class="i2">That angry justice frowns upon.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>THE NEW STATE STRETCHER.</h3>
+<p>&ldquo;What an uncomfortable bed Peel has made for
+himself!&rdquo; observed Normanby to Palmerston.
+&ldquo;That&rsquo;s not very clear to me, I confess,&rdquo; replied
+the Downing-street Cupid, &ldquo;as it is acknowledged he sleeps on
+a <em>bolstered cabinet</em>.&rdquo; The pacificator of Ireland
+closed his face for the remainder of the day.</p>
+<hr />
+<p>The latest case of monomania, from our own specially-raised
+American correspondent:&mdash;A gentleman who fancied himself a
+pendulum always went upon tick, and never discovered his delusion
+until he was carefully wound up in the Queen&rsquo;s Bench.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>&ldquo;VERY LIKE A WHALE.&rdquo;</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>The first of all the royal infant males</p>
+<p><em>Should</em> take the title of the Prince of
+<em>Wales</em>;</p>
+<p>Because &rsquo;tis clear to seaman and to lubber,</p>
+<p>Babies and <em>whales</em> are both inclined to
+<em>blubber</em>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>ARRIVED AT LAST.</h3>
+<p>We perceived by a paragraph copied from the &ldquo;<em>John
+o&rsquo;Groats Journal</em>,&rdquo; that an immense Whale, upwards
+of <em>seventy-six</em> feet in length, was captured a few days
+since at Wick. Sir Peter Laurie and Alderman Humphrey on reading
+this announcement <em>naturally</em> concluded that the
+<em>Wick</em> referred to was our gracious Queen <em>Wic</em>, and
+rushed off to Buckingham-palace to pay their united tribute of
+loyalty to the long-expected <em>Prince of Wales</em>.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>EPIGRAM.</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>I&rsquo;m going to seal a letter, Dick,</p>
+<p class="i2">Some <em>wax</em> pray give to me.</p>
+<p>I have not got a <em>single stick</em>,</p>
+<p class="i2">Or <em>whacks</em> I&rsquo;d give to thee.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page174" name="page174"></a>[pg
+174]</span>
+<h2>THE PICTORIAL HISTORY OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+<p>In our last we briefly adverted to the gratifying fact that Mr.
+Barry had at least a thousand superficial feet on the walls of the
+new Houses of Parliament at the services of the historical painters
+of England; and we also, in a passing manner, suggested a few
+compositions worthy of their pencils. A reconsideration of the
+matter convinces us that the subject is too important&mdash;too
+national, to be adopted as merely the fringe of our article; and we
+have therefore determined within ourselves to devote our present
+essay to a serious discussion of the various pictures that are, or
+<em>ought</em>, to decorate the interior of the new House of
+Commons. As for the House of Lords, we see no necessity whatever
+for lavishing the fine inspirations of art on that temple of
+wisdom; inasmuch as the sages who deliberate there are, for the
+most part, born legislators, coming into the world with all the
+rudiments of government in embryo in their baby heads, and, on the
+twenty-first anniversary of their birthday, putting their legs out
+of bed adult, full-grown law-makers. It would be the height of
+democratic insolence to attempt to teach these chosen few: it
+would, in fact, be a misprision of treason against the sovereignty
+of Nature, who, when making the <em>pia mater</em> of a future peer
+of England, knows very well the delicate work she has in hand, and
+takes pains accordingly. It is different when she manufactures a
+mob of skulls which, by a jumble of worldly accidents, or by the
+satire of Fortune in her bitterest mood, may ultimately belong to
+Members of the House of Commons. These she makes, as they make
+blocks in Portsmouth-yard, a hundred a minute. All she has to do is
+to fulfil her contract with the world, taking care that there shall
+be no want of the raw material for Members of Parliament, leaving
+it to Destiny to work it up as she may. We have not the slightest
+doubt, by-the-by, that poor Nature is often very much confounded by
+the ultimate application of her own handiwork. We can fancy the
+venerable old gossip at her business, patting up skulls as serenely
+as our lamented great grandmother (she wrote a very pretty book on
+the beauties of population, and illustrated the work, too, with
+portraits from her own hand) was wont to pat up
+apple-dumplings:&mdash;we can imagine Nature&mdash;good old
+soul!&mdash;looking over her spectacles at the infant dough, and
+saying to herself as she finishes skull by skull&mdash;&ldquo;Ha!
+that will do for a pawnbroker;&rdquo;&mdash;&ldquo;That, as
+it&rsquo;s rather low and narrow, for a sharp
+attorney;&rdquo;&mdash;&ldquo;That for a parish
+constable;&rdquo;&mdash;&ldquo;That for a clown at a
+fair,&rdquo;&mdash;and so on. And we can well imagine the
+astonishment of simple-hearted old Nature on getting a ticket for
+the gallery of the House of Commons (for very seldom, indeed, has
+she been known to show herself on the floor), to see her skull of a
+pawnbroker on the shoulders of a Chancellor of the Exchequer; her
+<em>caput</em> of the sharp attorney belonging to a Minister of the
+Home Department; her head of a parish constable as a Paymaster of
+the Forces; and the dough she had intended to swallow knives and
+eat fire at wakes and fairs gravely responded to as &ldquo;an
+honourable and gallant member!&rdquo; Whereupon, who can wonder at
+the amazement and indignation of Mother Nature, and that, with a
+keen sense of the misapplication of her skulls, she sometimes
+abuses Mother Fortune in good set terms, mingling with her
+reproaches the strongest reflections on her chastity?</p>
+<p>We have thought it due to the full consideration of our subject
+so far, to dwell upon the natural difference between the skull of a
+Peer and the skull of a Commoner. The skull of the noble, as we
+have shown, is a thing made to order&mdash;fitted up, like Mr.
+MECHI&rsquo;S pocket-dressing-case, with the ornamental and useful:
+no instrument can be added to it&mdash;the thing is complete.
+Hence, to employ historical painters for the education of the House
+of Lords would be a useless and profligate expenditure of art and
+money. It would be to paint the lily LONDONDERRY&mdash;to add a
+perfume to the violet ELLENBOROUGH. All Peers being from the
+first&mdash;indeed, even <em>in utero</em>&mdash;ordained
+law-makers, statute-making comes to them by nature. How much
+history goes to prove this, showing that the House of
+Lords&mdash;like the Solomons of the
+<em>fleur-de-lis</em>&mdash;have learned nothing, and forgotten
+nothing! To attempt to instruct a Peer would be as gross an
+impertinence to the instinct of his order as to present
+MINERVA&mdash;who no doubt came from the head of JOVE a Peeress in
+her own right&mdash;with a toy alphabet or horn-book.</p>
+<p>For the skulls of the House of Commons,&mdash;that is, indeed,
+another question! We are so far utilitarian that we would have the
+pictures for which Mr. BARRY offers a thousand feet selected solely
+with a view to the dissemination of knowledge amongst the many
+benighted members of the House of Commons. We would have the
+subjects so chosen that they should entirely supersede
+<em>Oldfield&rsquo;s Representative History</em>; never forgetting
+the wants of the most illiterate. For instance, for the politicians
+on the fifth form, the SIBTHORPS and PLUMPTRES, whose education in
+their youth has been shamefully neglected, we would have a nice
+pictorial political alphabet. We do not pride ourselves, be it
+understood, upon writing unwrinkled verse; we only present the
+subjoined as a crude idea of our plan, taken we confess, from
+certain variegated volumes, to be had either of Mr. SOUTER, St.
+Paul&rsquo;s Churchyard, or Messrs. DARTON and HARVEY, Holborn.</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>A was King ALFRED, a monarch of note;</p>
+<p>B is BURDETT, who can well turn a coat.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p>Here we would have the chief incidents of Alfred&rsquo;s life
+nicely painted, with BURDETT, late Old Glory, and now Old
+Corruption. As for the poetry, when we consider the capacities of
+the learners, <em>that</em> cannot be too simple, too homely. The
+House, however, may order a Committee of Versification, if it
+please; all that we protest against is D&rsquo;ISRAELI being of the
+number.</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>C is the CORN-LAWS, that famish&rsquo;d the poor;</p>
+<p>D is the DEBT, that will famish them more.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p>Here, for the imaginative artist, is an opportunity! To paint
+the wholesale wickedness and small villanies of the Corn-laws! What
+a contrast of scene and character! Squalid hovels, and princely
+residences&mdash;purse-proud, plethoric injustice, big and bloated
+with, its iniquitous gains, and gaunt, famine-stricken multitudes!
+Then for the Debt&mdash;that hideous thing begotten by war and
+corruption; what a tremendous moral lesson might be learned from a
+nightly conning of the terrific theme!</p>
+<p>We have neither poetic genius nor space of paper to go through
+the whole of the alphabet; we merely throw out the above four
+lines&mdash;and were we not assured that they are better lines, far
+more musical, than any to be found in BULWER&rsquo;S SIAMESE TWINS,
+we should blush much nearer scarlet than we do&mdash;to give an
+idea of the utility and beautiful comprehensiveness of our
+plan.</p>
+<p>The great difficulty, however, will be to compress the
+subjects&mdash;so multitudinous are they&mdash;within the thousand
+feet allowed by the architect. To begin with the Wittenagemot, or
+meeting of the wise men, and to end with portraits of Mr.
+Roebuck&rsquo;s ancestors&mdash;to say nothing of the fine
+imaginative sketch of the Member for Bath tilting, in the mode of
+Quixote with the steam-press of Printing-house-square&mdash;will
+require the most extraordinary powers of condensation on the parts
+of the artists. Nevertheless, if the undertaking be even creditably
+executed, it will be a monument of national wisdom and national
+utility to unborn generations of Members. What crowds of subjects
+press upon us! The <em>History of Bribery</em> might make a sort of
+Parliamentary Rake&rsquo;s Progress, if we could but hit upon the
+artist to portray its manifold beauties. <em>The Windsor
+Stables</em> and <em>the Education of the Poor</em> would form
+admirable companion-pictures, in which the superiority of the horse
+over the human animal could be most satisfactorily
+delineated&mdash;the quadruped having considerably more than three
+times the amount voted to him for snug lodging, hay, beans, and
+oats, that the English pauper obtained from Parliament for that
+manure of the soil&mdash;as congregated piety at Exeter Hall
+denominates it&mdash;a Christian education!</p>
+<p>What a beautiful arabesque border might be conceived from a
+perusal of the late Lord Castlereagh&rsquo;s speeches! We should
+here have Parliamentary eloquence under a most fantastic yet
+captivating phase. Who, for instance, but the artist to PUNCH could
+paint CASTLEREAGH&rsquo;S figure of a smug, contented, selfish
+traitor, the &ldquo;crocodile with his hand in his breeches&rsquo;
+pocket?&rdquo; Again, does not the reader recollect that
+extraordinary person who, according to the North Cray Demosthenes,
+&ldquo;turned his back <em>upon himself</em>?&rdquo; There would be
+a portrait!&mdash;one, too, presenting food for the most
+&ldquo;sweet and bitter melancholy&rdquo; to the GRAHAMS and the
+STANLEYS. There is also that immortal Parliamentary metaphor,
+emanating from the same mysterious source,&mdash;&ldquo;The
+<em>feature</em> upon which the question <em>hinges</em>!&rdquo;
+The only man who could have properly painted this was the
+enthusiastic BLAKE, who so successfully limned the ghost of a flea!
+These matters, however, are to be considered as merely
+supplementary ornaments to great themes. The grand subjects are to
+be sought for in <em>Hansard&rsquo;s Reports</em>, in petitions
+against returns of members, in the evidence that comes out in the
+committee-rooms, in the abstract principles of right and wrong,
+that make members honest patriots, or that make them give the
+harlot &ldquo;ay&rdquo; and &ldquo;no,&rdquo; as dictated by the
+foul spirit gibbering in their breeches&rsquo; pockets.</p>
+<p>That we may have painted all these things, Mr. BARRY offers up
+one thousand feet. Oh! Mr. B. can&rsquo;t you make it ten!</p>
+<p class="rgt">Q.</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page175" name="page175"></a>[pg
+175]</span>
+<p>PUNCH&rsquo;s PENCILLINGS.&mdash;No. XV.</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/015-08.png"><img src=
+"images/015-08.png" alt=
+"A sad-looking man regards a portrait of a kingly-looking man." id=
+"img015-08" name="img015-08" width="100%" /></a>
+<p>REFLECTION.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;FAREWELL, A LONG FAREWELL, TO ALL MY
+GREATNESS.&rdquo;&mdash;<em>King Henry VIII</em>.</p>
+</div>
+<!-- [pg 176] -->
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page177" name="page177"></a>[pg
+177]</span>
+<h2>THE PHYSIOLOGY OF THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT.</h2>
+<h3>4.&mdash;OF THE MANNER IN WHICH THE FIRST SEASON PASSES.</h3>
+<p>From the period of our last Chapter our friend commences to
+adopt the attributes of the mature student. His notes are taken as
+before at each lecture he attends, but the lectures are fewer, and
+the notes are never fairly transcribed; at the same time they are
+interspersed with a larger proportion of portraits of the lecturer,
+and other humorous conceits. He proposes at lunch-time every day
+that he and his companions should &ldquo;go the odd man for a
+pot;&rdquo; and the determination he had formed at his entry to the
+school, of working the last session for all the prizes, and going
+up to the Hall on the Thursday and the College on the Friday
+without grinding, appears somewhat difficult of being carried into
+execution.</p>
+<p>It is at this point of his studies that the student commences a
+steady course of imaginary dissection: that is to say, he keeps a
+chimerical account of extremities whose minute structure he has
+deeply investigated (in his head), and received in return various
+sums of money from home for the avowed purpose of paying for them.
+If he really has put his name down for any heads and necks or
+pelvic viscera at the commencement of the season, when he had
+imbibed and cherished some lunatic idea &ldquo;that dissection was
+the sheet-anchor of safety at the College,&rdquo; he becomes a
+trafficker in human flesh, and disposes of them as quickly as he
+can to any hard-working man who has his examination in
+perspective.</p>
+<p>He now assumes a more independent air, and even ventures to
+chalk odd figures on the black board in the theatre. He has been
+known, previously to the lecture, to let down the skeleton that
+hangs by a balance weight from the ceiling, and, inserting its
+thumb in the cavity of its nose, has there secured it with a piece
+of thread, and then, placing a short pipe in its jaws, has pulled
+it up again. His inventive faculties are likewise shown by various
+diverting objects and allusions cut with his knife upon the ledge
+before him in the lecture-room, whereon the new men rest their
+note-books and the old ones go to sleep. In vain do the directors
+of the school order the ledge to be coated with paint and sand
+mixed together&mdash;nothing is proof against his knife; were it
+adamant he would cut his name upon it. His favourite position at
+lecture is now the extremity of the bench, where its horse-shoe
+form places him rather out of the range of the lecturer&rsquo;s
+vision; and, ten to one, it is here that he has cut a
+cribbage-board on the seat, at which he and his neighbour play
+during the lecture on Surgery, concealing their game from common
+eyes by spreading a mackintosh cape on the desk before them. His
+conversation also gradually changes its tone, and instead of mildly
+inquiring of the porter, on his entering the school of a morning,
+what is for the day&rsquo;s anatomical demonstration, he talks of
+&ldquo;the regular lark he had last night at the Eagle, and how
+jolly screwed he got!&rdquo;&mdash;a frank admission, which
+bespeaks the candour of his disposition.</p>
+<p>Careful statistics show us that it is about the end of November
+the new man first makes the acquaintance of his uncle; and
+observant people have remarked, as worthy of insertion in the
+Medical Almanack amongst the usual phenomena of the
+calendar&mdash;&ldquo;About this time dissecting cases and
+tooth-instruments appear in the windows, and we may look for
+watches towards the beginning of December.&rdquo; Although this is
+his first transaction on his own account, yet his property has
+before ascended the spout, when some unprincipled student, at the
+beginning of the season, picked his pocket of a big silver
+lancet-case, which he had brought up with him from the country; and
+having, pledged it at the nearest money-lender&rsquo;s, sent him
+the duplicate in a polite note, and spent the money with some other
+dishonest young men, in drinking their victim&rsquo;s health in his
+absence. And, by the way, it is a general rule that most new men
+delight to carry big lancet-cases, although they have about as much
+use for them as a lecturer upon practice of physic has for top
+boots.</p>
+<p>Thus gradually approaching step by step towards the perfection
+of his state, the new man&rsquo;s first winter-session passes; and
+it is not unlikely that, at the close of the course, he may enter
+to compete for the anatomical prize, which he sometimes gets by
+stealth, cribbing his answers from a tiny manual of knowledge, two
+inches by one-and-a-half in size, which he hides under his
+blotting-paper. This triumph achieved, he devotes the short period
+which intervenes before the commencement of the summer botanical
+course to various hilarious pastimes; and as the watch and
+dissecting-case are both gone, he writes the following despatch to
+his governor&mdash;</p>
+<h4>LETTER No. II.&mdash;(<em>Copy.</em>)</h4>
+<p>MY DEAR FATHER,&mdash;You will, I am sure, be delighted to learn
+that I have gained the twenty-ninth honorary certificate for
+proficiency in anatomy which you will allow is a very high number
+when I tell you that only thirty are given. I have also the
+satisfaction of informing you that the various professors have
+given me certificates of having attended their lectures <em>very
+diligently</em> during the past courses.</p>
+<p>I work very hard, but I need not inform you that, with all my
+economy, I am at some expense for good books and instruments. I
+have purchased <em>Liston&rsquo;s Surgery</em>, Anthony
+Thompson&rsquo;s <em>Materia Medica</em>, Burns and
+Merriman&rsquo;s <em>Midwifery</em>, Graham&rsquo;s
+<em>Chemistry</em>, Astley Cooper&rsquo;s <em>Dislocations</em>,
+and Quain&rsquo;s <em>Anatomy</em>, all of which I have read
+carefully through twice. I also pay a private demonstrator to go
+over the bones with me of a night; and I have bought a skeleton at
+Alexander&rsquo;s&mdash;a great bargain. This, when I
+&ldquo;pass,&rdquo; I think of presenting to the museum of the
+hospital, as I am under great obligations to the surgeons. I think
+a ten-pound note willl clear my expenses, although I wish to enter
+to a summer course of dissections, and take some lessons in
+practical chemistry in the laboratories with Professor Carbon, but
+these I will endeavour to pay for out of my own pocket. With my
+best regards to all at home, believe me,</p>
+<p class="rgt">Your affectionate son,<br />
+JOSEPH MUFF.</p>
+<p>As soon as the summer course begins, the Botanical Lectures
+commence with it, and the polite Company of Apothecaries
+courteously request the student&rsquo;s acceptance of a ticket of
+admission to the lectures, at their garden at Chelsea. As these
+commence somewhere about eight in the morning, of course he must
+get up in the middle of the night to be there; and consequently he
+attends very often, of course. But the botanical excursions that
+take place every Saturday from his own school are his especial
+delight. He buys a candle-box to contain all the chickweed,
+chamomiles, and dandelions he may collect, and slinging it over his
+shoulder with his pocket-handkerchief, he starts off in company
+with the Professor and his fellow-herbalists to Wandsworth Common,
+Battersea Fields, Hampstead Heath, or any other favourite spot
+which the cockney Flora embellishes with her offspring.</p>
+<p>The conduct of medical students on botanical excursions
+generally appears in various phases. Some real lovers of the study,
+pale men in spectacles, who wear shoes and can walk for ever,
+collect every weed they drop upon, to which they assign a most
+extraordinary name, and display it at their lodgings upon cartridge
+paper, with penny pieces to keep the leaves in their places as they
+dry. Others limit their collections to stinging-nettles, which they
+slyly insert into their companions&rsquo; pockets, or long
+bulrushes, which they tuck under the collars of their coats; and
+the remainder turn into the first house of public entertainment
+they arrive at on emerging from the smoke of London to the rural
+districts, and remain all day absorbed in the mysteries of ground
+billiards and knock-&lsquo;em-downs, their principal vegetable
+studies being confined to lettuces, spring onions, and
+water-cresses. But all this is very proper&mdash;we mean the
+botanical part of the story&mdash;for the knowledge of the natural
+class and order of a buttercup must be of the greatest service to a
+practitioner in after-life in treating a case of typhus fever or
+ruptured blood-vessel. At some of the Continental Hospitals, the
+pupil&rsquo;s time is wasted at the bedside of the patient, from
+which he can only get practical information. How much better is the
+primrose-investigating <em>curriculum</em> of study observed at our
+own medical schools!</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>SOME THINGS TO WHICH THE IRISH WOULD NOT SWEAR.</h3>
+<p>MR. GROVE.&mdash;This insufferably ignorant, and, therefore,
+insolent magisterial cur, who has recently made himself an object
+of unenviable notoriety, by asserting that &ldquo;the Irish would
+swear anything,&rdquo; has shown himself to be as stupid as he is
+malignant. Would, for instance, the most hard-mouthed Irishman in
+existence venture to swear that&mdash;</p>
+<ul>
+<li>Mr. Grove is a gentleman; or that&mdash;</li>
+<li>Sir Francis Burdett has brought honour to his grey hairs; or
+that&mdash;</li>
+<li>Colonel Sibthorp has more brains than beard; or
+that&mdash;</li>
+<li>Sir Robert Peel feels for anybody but himself; or
+that&mdash;</li>
+<li>Peter Borthwick was listened to with attention; or
+that&mdash;</li>
+<li>Sir Peter Laurie&rsquo;s wisdom cannot be estimated; or
+that&mdash;</li>
+<li>Sir Edward George Erle Lytton Bulwer thinks very small beer of
+himself; or that&mdash;</li>
+<li>The Earl of Coventry carries a vast deal of sense under his
+hat; or that&mdash;</li>
+<li>Mr. Roebuck is the pet of the <em>Times</em>; or, in short,
+that&mdash;</li>
+<li>The Tories are the best and most popular governors that England
+ever had.</li>
+</ul>
+<p>If &ldquo;the Irish would swear&rdquo; to the above, we confess
+they &ldquo;would swear anything.&rdquo;</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>COMING EVENTS CAST THEIR SHADOWS BEFORE THEM.</h3>
+<p>SIR JAMES CLARK is in daily attendance at the Palace. We suppose
+that he is looking out for a new berth under Government.</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page178" name="page178"></a>[pg
+178]</span>
+<h2>HOSTILITIES IN PRIVATE LIFE.</h2>
+<p>We have just heard of an event which has shaken the peace of a
+highly respectable house in St. Martin&rsquo;s Court, from the
+chimney-pots to the coal-cellar. Mrs. Brown, the occupier of the
+first floor, happened, on last Sunday, to borrow of Mrs. Smith, who
+lived a pair higher in the world, a German silver teapot, on the
+occasion of her giving a small twankey party to a few select
+friends. But though she availed herself of Mrs. Smith&rsquo;s
+German-silver, to add respectability to her <em>soir&eacute;e</em>,
+she wholly overlooked Mrs. Smith, who was <em>not</em> invited to
+partake of the festivities. This was a slight that no woman of
+spirit could endure; and though Mrs. Smith&rsquo;s teapot was
+German-silver, she resolved to let Mrs. Brown see that she had
+herself some real Britannia <em>mettle</em> in her composition.
+Accordingly when the teapot was sent up the following morning to
+Mrs. Smith&rsquo;s apartments, with Mrs. Brown&rsquo;s
+&ldquo;compliments and thanks,&rdquo; Mrs. Smith discovered or
+affected to discover, a serious contusion on the lid of the
+article, and despatched it by her own servant back to Mrs. Brown,
+accompanied by the subjoined note:&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>&ldquo;Mrs. Smith&rsquo;s compliments to Mrs. Brown, begs to
+return the teapott to the latter&mdash;in consequence of the
+ill-usage it has received in her hands.&rdquo;</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>Mrs. Brown, being a woman who piques herself upon her talent at
+epistolary writing, immediately replied in the following
+terms:&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>&ldquo;Mrs. Brown&rsquo;s compliments to Mrs. Smith, begs to say
+that her paltry teapot received no ill usage from Mrs.
+Brown.&mdash;Mrs. B. will thank Mrs. S. not to put two
+<em>t</em>&rsquo;s at the end of <em>teapot</em> in
+future.&rdquo;</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>This note and the teapot were forthwith sent upstairs to Mrs.
+Smith, whose indignation being very naturally roused, she again
+returned the battered affair, with this spirited
+missive:&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>&ldquo;Mrs. Smith begs to inform Mrs. Brown, that she despises
+her insinuations, and to say, that she will put as many
+<em>t</em>&rsquo;s as she pleases in her <em>teapot</em>.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;P.S.&mdash;Mrs. S. expects to be paid 10<em>s</em>. for
+the injured article.&rdquo;</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>Again the teapot was sent upstairs, with the following reply
+from Mrs. Brown:&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>&ldquo;Mrs. Brown thinks Mrs. Smith a low creature.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;P.S.&mdash;Mrs. B. won&rsquo;t pay a farthing.&rdquo;</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>The correspondence terminated here, the German-silver teapot
+remaining in <em>statu quo</em> on the lobby window, between the
+territories of the hostile powers; and there it might have remained
+until the present moment, if Mrs. Brown had not declared, in an
+audible voice, at the foot of the stairs, that Mrs. Smith was
+acting under the influence of gin, which reaching the ears of the
+calumniated lady, she rushed down to the landing-place, and seizing
+the teapot, discharged it at Mrs. Brown&rsquo;s head, which it
+fortunately missed, but totally annihilated a plaster figure of
+Napoleon, which stood in the hall, and materially damaged its own
+spout. Mrs. Brown, being wholly unsupported at the time, retired
+hastily within the defences of her own apartments, which Mrs. Smith
+cannonaded vigorously for upwards of ten minutes with a broom
+handle; and there is every reason to believe she would shortly have
+effected a practicable breach, if a reinforcement from the kitchen
+had not arrived to aid the besieged, and forced the assailant back
+to her second-floor entrenchments. Mrs. Smith then demanded a truce
+until evening, which was granted by Mrs. Brown; notwithstanding
+which the former lady was detected, in defiance of this
+arrangement, endeavouring to <em>blow up</em> Mrs. Brown through
+the keyhole.</p>
+<p>There is no telling how this unhappy difference will terminate;
+for though at present matters appear tolerably quiet, we know not
+(as in the case of the Canadas) at what moment we may have to
+inform our readers that</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/015-09.png"><img src=
+"images/015-09.png" alt="A grumpy woman sits near a smoky candle."
+id="img015-09" name="img015-09" width="50%" /></a>
+<p>THE BORDERS ARE IN A FLAME.</p>
+</div>
+<hr class="full" />
+<h2>GEOLOGY OF SOCIETY.</h2>
+<h3>SECTION II.</h3>
+<p>We last week described the different strata of society
+comprehended in the INFERIOR SERIES, and the lower portion of the
+<em>Clapham Group</em>. We now beg to call the attention of our
+readers to a most important division in the next great
+formation&mdash;which has been termed the TRANSITION
+CLASS&mdash;because the individuals composing it are in a gradual
+state of elevation, and have a tendency to mix with the superior
+strata. By referring to the scale which we gave in our first
+section, it will be seen that the lowest layer in this class is
+formed by the people who keep shops and one-horse
+&ldquo;shays,&rdquo; and go to Ramsgate for three weeks in the
+dog-days. They all exhibit evidences of having been thrown up from
+a low to a high level. The elevating causes are numerous, but the
+most remarkable are those which arise from the action of unexpected
+legacies. Lotteries were formerly the cause of remarkable
+elevations; and speculation in the funds may be still considered as
+amongst the elevating causes, though their effect is frequently to
+cause a sudden sinking. Lying immediately above the &ldquo;shop and
+shay&rdquo; people, we find the old substantial merchant, who every
+day precisely as the clock strikes ten is in the act of hanging up
+his hat in his little back counting-house in Fenchurch-street. His
+private house, however, is at Brixton-hill, where the gentility of
+the family is supported by his wife, two daughters, a piano, and a
+servant in livery. The best and finest specimens of this strata are
+susceptible of a slight polish; they are found very useful in the
+construction of joint stock banks, railroads, and other
+speculations where a good foundation is required. We now come to
+the <em>Russell-square group</em>, which comprehends all those
+people who &ldquo;live private,&rdquo; and aim at being thought
+fashionable and independent. Many individuals of this group are
+nevertheless supposed by many to be privately connected with some
+trading concern in the City. It is a distinguishing characteristic
+of the second layer in this group to have a tendency to give
+dinners to the superior series, while the specimens of the upper
+stratum are always found in close proximity to a carriage. Family
+descent, which is a marked peculiarity of the SUPERIOR CLASS, is
+rarely to be met with in the <em>Russell-square group</em>. The
+fossil animals which exist in this group are not numerous: they are
+for the most part decayed barristers and superannuated doctors. Of
+the ST. JAMES&rsquo;S SERIES it is sufficient to say that it
+consists of four strata, of which the superior specimens are
+usually found attached to coronets. Most of the precious stones, as
+diamonds, rubies, emeralds, are also to be found in this layer. The
+materials of which it is composed are various, and appear
+originally to have belonged to the inferior classes; and the only
+use to which it can be applied is in the construction of
+<em>peers</em>. Throughout all the classes there occur what are
+called <em>veins</em>, containing diverse substances. The
+<em>larking vein</em> is extremely abundant in the superior
+classes&mdash;it is rich in brass knockers, bell handles, and
+policemen&rsquo;s rattles; this vein descends through all the lower
+strata, the specimens in each differing according to the situation
+in which they are found; the middle classes being generally
+discovered deposited in the Coal-hole Tavern or the Cider-cellars,
+while the individuals of the very inferior order are usually
+discovered in gin-shops and low pot-houses, and not
+unfrequently</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/015-10.png"><img src=
+"images/015-10.png" alt=
+"A drunk lays on the floor surrounded by pitchers and pours the contents of one on his head."
+id="img015-10" name="img015-10" width="50%" /></a>
+<p>EMBEDDED IN QUARTS(Z).</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>THE WAPPING DELUGE.</h3>
+<p>Father Thames, not content with his customary course, has been
+&ldquo;swelling it&rdquo; in the course of the week, through some
+of the streets of the metropolis. As if to inculcate temperance, he
+walked himself down into public-house cellars, filling all the
+empty casks with water, and adulterating all the beer and spirits
+that came in his way; turning also every body&rsquo;s fixed into
+floating capital. Half empty butts, whose place was below, came
+sailing up into the bar through the ceiling of the cellar;
+saucepans were elevated from beneath the dresser to the dresser
+itself; while cups were made &ldquo;to pop off the hooks&rdquo;
+with surprising rapidity.</p>
+<p>But the greatest consternation that prevailed was among the
+<em>rats</em>, particularly those in the neighbourhood of
+Downing-street, who were driven out of the sewers they inhabit with
+astounding violence.</p>
+<p>The dairies on the banks of the Thames were obliged to lay aside
+their customary practice of inundating the milk; for such a
+&ldquo;meeting of the waters&rdquo; as would otherwise have ensued
+must have proved rather too much, even for the regular
+customers.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>SAVORY CON. BY COX.</h3>
+<p>Why is it impossible for a watch that indicates the smaller
+divisions of time ever to be new?&mdash;Because it must always be a
+second-hand one.</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page179" name="page179"></a>[pg
+179]</span>
+<h2>PUNCH&rsquo;S INFORMATION FOR THE PEOPLE.&mdash;No. V.</h2>
+<h3>NATURAL HISTORY (<em>Continued</em>).</h3>
+<h4>THE OPERA-DANCER (<em>H. capernicus</em>&mdash;CERITOE).</h4>
+<p>So decidedly does this animal belong to the Bimana order of
+beings, that to his two legs he is indebted for existence. Most of
+his fellow bipeds live by the work of their hands, except indeed
+the feathered and tailor tribes, who live by their bills; but from
+his thighs, calves, ancles, and toes, does the opera-dancer derive
+subsistence for the less important portions of his anatomy.</p>
+<p><em>Physiology.</em>&mdash;The body, face, and arms of the
+opera-dancer present no peculiarities above the rest of his
+species; and it is to his lower extremities alone that we must look
+for distinguishing features. As our researches extend downwards
+from head to foot, the first thing that strikes us is a
+protuberance of the ante-occipital membranes, so great as to
+present a back view that describes two sides of a scalene triangle,
+the apex of which projects posteriorly nearly half way down the
+figure. That a due equilibrium may be preserved in this difficult
+position (technically called &ldquo;the first&rdquo;), the toes are
+turned out so as to form a right angle with the lower leg. Thus, in
+walking, this curious being presents a mass of animated straight
+lines that have an equal variety of inclination to a bundle of rods
+carelessly tied up, or to Signor Paganini when afflicted with the
+lumbago.</p>
+<p><em>Habits.</em>&mdash;The habits of the opera-dancer vary
+according as we see him in public or in private life. On the stage
+he is all spangles and activity; off the stage, seediness and
+decrepitude are his chief characteristics. It is usual for him to
+enter upon his public career with a tremendous bound and a hat and
+feathers. After standing upon one toe, he raises its fellow up to a
+line with his nose, and turns round until the applause comes, even
+if that be delayed for several minutes. He then cuts six, and
+shuffles up to a female of his species, who being his sweetheart
+(in the ballet), has been looking savage envy at him and spiteful
+indignation at the audience on account of the applause, which ought
+to have been reserved for her own capering&mdash;to come. When it
+does, she throws up her arms and steps upon tiptoe about three
+paces, looking exactly like a crane with a sore heel. Making her
+legs into a pair of compasses, she describes a circle in the air
+with one great toe upon a pivot formed with the other; then bending
+down so that her very short petticoat makes a &ldquo;cheese&rdquo;
+upon the ground, spreads out both arms to the <em>rou&eacute;s</em>
+in the stalls, who understand the signal, and cry &ldquo;<em>Brava!
+brava!!</em>&rdquo; Rising, she turns her back to display her gauze
+<em>jupe &eacute;lastique</em>, which is always exceedingly
+<em>bouffante</em>: expectorating upon the stage as she retires.
+She thus makes way for her lover, who, being her professional
+rival, she invariably detests.</p>
+<p>It is singular that in private life the habits of the animal
+differ most materially according to its sex. The male sometimes
+keeps an academy and a kit fiddle, but the domestic relations of
+the female remain a profound mystery; and although Professors Tom
+Duncombe, Count D&rsquo;Orsay, Chesterfield, and several other
+eminent Italian-operatic natural historians, have spent immense
+fortunes in an ardent pursuit of knowledge in this branch of
+science, they have as yet afforded the world but a small modicum of
+information. Perhaps what they <em>have</em> learned is not of a
+nature to be made public.</p>
+<p><em>Moral Characteristics.</em>&mdash;None.</p>
+<p><em>Reproduction.</em>&mdash;The offspring of opera-dancers are
+not, as is sometimes supposed, born with wings; the truth is that
+these cherubim are frequently attached by their backs to copper
+wires, and made to represent flying angels in fairy dramas; and
+those appendages, so far from being natural, are supplied by the
+property-man, together with the wreaths of artificial flowers which
+each Liliputian divinity upholds.</p>
+<p><em>Sustenance.</em>&mdash;All opera-dancers are decidedly
+omnivorous. Their appetite is immense; quantity and (for most of
+them come from France), not quality, is what they chiefly desire.
+When not dining at their own expense, they eat all they can, and
+pocket the rest. Indeed, a celebrated sylphide&mdash;unsurpassed
+for the graceful airiness of her evolutions&mdash;has been known to
+make the sunflower in the last scene bend with the additional
+weight of a roast pig, an apple pie, and sixteen <em>omelettes
+souffl&eacute;es</em>&mdash;drink, including porter, in proportion.
+Various philosophers have endeavoured to account for this
+extraordinary digestive capacity; but some of their arguments are
+unworthy of the science they otherwise adorn. For example, it has
+been said that the great exertions to which the dancer is subject
+demand a corresponding amount of nutriment, and that the copious
+transudation superinduced thereby requires proportionate supplies
+of suction; while, in point of fact, if such theorists had studied
+their subject a little closer, they would have found these
+unbounded appetites accounted for upon the most simple and
+conclusive ground: it is clear that, as most opera-dancers&rsquo;
+lives are passed in a <em>pirouette</em>, they must naturally have
+enormous twists!</p>
+<p><em>The geographical distribution of opera-dancers</em> is
+extremely well defined, as their names implies; for they most do
+congregate wherever an opera-house exists. Some, however, descend
+to the non-lyric drama, and condescend to &ldquo;illustrate&rdquo;
+the plays of Shakespeare. It is said that the classical manager of
+Drury Lane Theatre has secured a company of them to help the
+singers he has engaged to perform Richard the Third, Coriolanus,
+and other historical plays.</p>
+<hr />
+<p>Why has a clock always a bashful appearance?&mdash;Because it
+always keeps its hands before its face.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>KIDNAPPING EXTRAORDINARY.</h3>
+<p>The <em>Chronicle</em> has been making a desperate attempt to
+come out in Punch&rsquo;s line; he has absolutely been trying the
+&ldquo;Too-too-tooit&mdash;tooit;&rdquo; but has made a most
+melancholy failure of it. We could forgive him his efforts to be
+facetious (though we doubt that his readers will) if he had not
+kidnapped three of our own particular pets&mdash;the very men who
+lived and grew in the world&rsquo;s estimation on our wits; we mean
+Peter Borthwick, Ben D&rsquo;Israeli, and our own immortal
+Sibthorp. Of poor Sib. the joker of the <em>Chronicle</em> says in
+last Tuesday&rsquo;s paper&mdash;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;We regret to hear that Col. Sibthorp has suffered
+severely by cutting himself in the act of shaving. His friends,
+however, will rejoice to learn that his whiskers have escaped, and
+that he himself is going on favourably.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>We spent an entire night in endeavouring to discover where the
+wit lay in this <em>cutting</em> paragraph; but were obliged at
+last to give it up, convinced that we might as well have made</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/015-11.png"><img src=
+"images/015-11.png" alt="A tailor measures a very tall man." id=
+"img015-11" name="img015-11" width="50%" /></a>
+<p>AN ATTEMPT TO DISCOVER THE LONGITUDE.</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>SONGS OF THE SEEDY.&mdash;No. V.</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>What am I? Mary, wherefore seek to know?</p>
+<p class="i2">For mystery&rsquo;s the very soul of love.</p>
+<p>Enough, that wedding thee I&rsquo;m not below,</p>
+<p class="i2">Enough, that wooing thee I&rsquo;m not above.</p>
+<p>You smile, dear girl, and look into my face</p>
+<p class="i2">As if you&rsquo;d read my history in my eye.</p>
+<p>I&rsquo;m not, sweet maid, a footman out of place,</p>
+<p class="i2">For that position would, I own, be shy.</p>
+<p>What am I then, you ask? Alas! &rsquo;tis clear,</p>
+<p>You love not me, but what I have a year.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>What am I, Mary! Well, then, must I tell,</p>
+<p class="i2">And all my stern realities reveal?</p>
+<p>Come close then to me, dearest, listen well,</p>
+<p class="i2">While what I am no longer I conceal.</p>
+<p>I serve my fellow-men, a glorious right;</p>
+<p class="i2">Thanks for that smile, dear maid, I know &rsquo;tis
+due.</p>
+<p>Yes, many have I served by day and night;</p>
+<p class="i2">With me to aid them, none need vainly sue.</p>
+<p>Nay, do not praise me, love, but nearer come,</p>
+<p>That I may whisper, I&rsquo;m a <em>bailiff&rsquo;s
+bum</em>.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Why start thus from me? am I then a thing</p>
+<p class="i2">To be despised and cast aside by thee?</p>
+<p>Oh! while to every one I fondly cling</p>
+<p class="i2">And follow all, will no one follow me?</p>
+<p>Oh! if it comes to this, dear girl, no more</p>
+<p class="i2">Shalt thou have cause upon my suit to frown;</p>
+<p>I&rsquo;ll serve no writs again; from me secure,</p>
+<p class="i2">John Doe may run at leisure up and down,</p>
+<p>Come to my arms, but do not weep the less,</p>
+<p>Thou art the last I&rsquo;ll e&rsquo;er take in distress.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>A PAIR OF DUCKS.</h3>
+<p>&ldquo;Pray, Sir Peter,&rdquo; said a brother Alderman to the
+City Laurie-ate the other day, while discussing the merits of
+Galloway&rsquo;s plan for a viaduct from Holborn-hill to
+Skinner-street, &ldquo;Pray, Sir Peter, can you inform me what is
+the difference between a viaduct and an aqueduct?&rdquo;
+&ldquo;Certainly,&rdquo; replied our &ldquo;City
+Correspondent,&rdquo; with amazing condescension; &ldquo;a
+<em>via-duck</em> is a land-duck, and an <em>aqua-duck</em> is a
+water-duck!&rdquo; The querist confessed he had no idea before of
+the immensity of Sir Peter&rsquo;s scientific knowledge.</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page180" name="page180"></a>[pg
+180]</span>
+<h2>PUNCH&rsquo;S THEATRE.</h2>
+<h3>MARGARET MAYFIELD; OR, THE MURDER OF THE LONE FARM-HOUSE.</h3>
+<div class="dropcap"><a href="images/015-12.png"><img src=
+"images/015-12.png" alt=
+"A couple next to a flowery tree form a letter P." id="img015-12"
+name="img015-12" width="100%" /></a></div>
+<p><span class="hide">P</span>rodigious! The minor drama has
+exhausted its stock of major crimes: parricide is out of date;
+infanticide has become from constant occurrence decidedly low;
+homicide grows tame and uninteresting; and fratricide is a mere
+bagatelle, not worthy of attention. The dramatist must therefore
+awaken new sympathies by contriving new crimes&mdash;he must
+invent. In this the Sadler&rsquo;s Wells genius has been fortunate.
+He has brought forward a novelty in assassination, which is
+harrowing in the extreme: it may be called
+<em>Farm-house-icide</em>! Just conceive the pitch of intense
+sympathy it is possible for one to feel, while beholding &ldquo;the
+<em>murder</em> of a lone farm-house!&rdquo; Arson is nothing to
+it.</p>
+<p>Out of this novel domiciliary catastrophe the author of
+&ldquo;Margaret Mayfield&rdquo; has formed a melodrama, which in
+every other respect is founded, like a chancellor&rsquo;s decree,
+upon precedent; it being a good old-fashioned, cut-throat piece, of
+the leather-breeches-and-gaiter, plough-and-pitchfork school. A
+country-inn parlour of course commences the story, where certain
+characters assemble, who reveal enough of themselves and of the
+characters assumed by their fellows (at that time amusing
+themselves in the green-room), to let any person the least
+acquainted with the literature of melodrama into the secret of the
+entire plot. There is the villain, who is as usual in love with the
+heroine, and in league with three ill-looking fellows sitting at a
+separate table. There too is the old-established farmer, who has
+about him a considerable sum of money&mdash;a fact he mentions for
+the information of his pot-companions, on purpose to be robbed of
+it. The low comedian as usual disports himself upon a three-legged
+stool, dressed in the never-to-be-worn-out short
+<em>non</em>-continuations, skirtless coat, and
+&ldquo;eccentric&rdquo; tile.</p>
+<p>A scene or two afterwards, and we are surprised to find that the
+farmer is safely housed, and that he has not been robbed upon a
+bleak moor on a dark stage. But we soon feel a sensation of awe,
+when we learn that before us is the interior of the very farm-house
+that is going to be murdered. The farmer and his wife go through
+the long-standing dialogue of stage-stereotype, about love and
+virtue, the price of turnips, and their only child; and the husband
+goes to some fair with a friend, who had just been rejected by his
+sister-in-law in favour of the villain. The coast being left clear,
+the villain and his accomplices enter, and we know something
+dreadful is going to happen, for the farmer&rsquo;s wife is gone
+out of the way on purpose not to interrupt. The villain draws a
+knife and drags his sweetheart into an out-house, and then the wife
+comes on to describe what is passing; for the audiences of
+Sadler&rsquo;s Wells would tear up the benches if they dared to
+murder out of sight, without being told what is going on.
+Accordingly, we hear a scream, and the sister of the screamer
+exclaims,&mdash;&ldquo;Ah, horror! He draws the knife across her
+throat! (Great applause.) But no; she takes up a broken ploughshare
+and escapes! (A slight tendency to hiss.) Now he seizes her hair,
+he throws her down. Ah! see how the blood streams from
+her&mdash;&mdash;.&rdquo; (Intense delight as the woman falls flat
+upon the boards, supposed to be overcome with dread.) A bloody
+knife, of course, next enters, grasped by the villain; who, as
+usual, remarks he is sorry for what has happened, but it
+can&rsquo;t be helped, and must be made the best of. The woman
+having suddenly recovered, escapes into an additional private box,
+or trunk, placed on the stage for that purpose; stating that she
+will see what is going on from between the cracks. The villain then
+murders the child, and walks off with his hands in his pocket;
+leaving, as is always the case, the fatal knife in a most
+conspicuous part of the stage, which for some seconds it has all to
+itself. The farmer comes in, takes up the knife, and falls down in
+a fit, just in time for the constables to come in and to take him
+up for the murder. The wife jumps out of the box, and by her
+assistance a tableau is formed for the act-drop to fall to.</p>
+<p>Our readers, of course, guess the rest. The farmer is condemned
+to be hanged; and in the last scene he is one of the never-omitted
+procession to the gallows. At the cue, &ldquo;Now then, I am ready
+to meet my fate like a man,&rdquo; the screech in that case always
+made and provided is heard at a distance. &ldquo;Hold! hold! he is
+innocent!&rdquo; are the next words; and enter the wife with a pair
+of pistols, and a witness. The executioner pardons the condemned on
+his own responsibility; and the villain comes on, on purpose to be
+shot, which is done by the farmer, who seems determined not to be
+accused of murder for nothing.</p>
+<p>To these charming series of murders we may add that of the
+Queen&rsquo;s English, which was shockingly maltreated, without the
+least remorse or mitigation.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>THE TWO LAST IMPORTANT SITTINGS.</h3>
+<p>Mr. Ross has had the last sitting of the Princess Royal for her
+portrait, and the Tories the last sitting of Mr. Walter for
+Nottingham.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>SIBTHORPIAN PROBLEMS.</h3>
+<p>Colonel Sibthorp presents his compliments to his dear friend and
+fellow, PUNCH, and seeing in the <em>Times</em> of Wednesday last a
+long account of the extraordinary arithmetical powers of a new
+calculating machine, invented by Mr. Wertheimber, he is desirous of
+asking the inventor, through the ubiquitous pages of PUNCH, whether
+his, Mr. W.&rsquo;s apparatus&mdash;which, as his friend George
+Robins would say, is a lot which seems to be worthy only of the
+great Bidder&mdash;(he thinks he had him there)&mdash;whether this
+automatical American, or steam calculator, could solve for him the
+following queries:&mdash;</p>
+<p>If the House of Commons be divided by Colonel Sibthorp on the
+Corn Laws, how much will it add to his credit?</p>
+<p>How many times will a joke of Colonel Sibthorp&rsquo;s go into
+the London newspapers?</p>
+<p>Extract the root of Mr. Roebuck&rsquo;s family tree, and say
+whether it would come out in anything but vulgar fractions.</p>
+<p>Required the difference between political and imperial measures,
+and state whether the former belong to dry or superficial.</p>
+<p>If thirty-six be six square, what is St.
+James&rsquo;s-square?&mdash;and if the first circles be resident
+there, say whether this may not be considered as an approximation
+to the quadrature of the circle.</p>
+<p>State the <em>contents</em> of the House of Commons upon the
+next motion of Sir Robert Peel, and whether the malcontents will be
+greater or less.</p>
+<p>Required the capacities in feet between a biped, a quadruped,
+and a centipede, and say whether the foot of Mr. Joseph Hume, being
+just as broad as it is long, may not be considered as a square
+foot.</p>
+<p>Express, in harmonious numbers, the proportion between the rhyme
+and the reason of Mr. Benjamin D&rsquo;Israeli&rsquo;s
+revolutionary epic, and say whether this is not a question of
+<em>inverse</em> ratio.</p>
+<p>Whether, in political progression, the two extremes, Duke of
+Newcastle and Feargus O&rsquo;Connor, are equal to the mean Joseph
+Hume.</p>
+<p>Is it possible to multiply the difficulties of the Whigs, and,
+if so, am I the figure for the part?</p>
+<p>What is the difference between the squares of Messrs. Tom Spring
+and John Gully, and whether the one is the fourth, fifth, or what
+power of the other?</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>A SLAP AT JOHN CHINAMAN&rsquo;S CHOPS.</h3>
+<p>Peter Borthwick lately arrived at the highest possible pressure
+of indignation, while reading some of the insolent fulminations
+from the Celestial Empire. But Peter was sorely at a loss to
+account for their singular names: he was instantly enlightened by
+the Finsbury interpreter, our Tom Duncombe, who rendered the matter
+clear by asserting it was because the Emperor was very partial to
+a</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/015-13.png"><img src=
+"images/015-13.png" alt=
+"A Chinese soldier looks at another, surprised Chinese man looking at a paper."
+id="img015-13" name="img015-13" width="50%" /></a>
+<p>CHOP WITH CHINESE SAUCE.</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>HUME LEEDS&mdash;WAKLEY FOLLOWS.</h3>
+<p>Joe Hume has written over to Wakley (postage unpaid) begging of
+him to take warning by his beating at Leeds; as he much fears,
+should Mr. Wakley continue his present line of conduct, when he
+next presents himself to his Finsbury constituents there is great
+probability of</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/015-14.png"><img src=
+"images/015-14.png" alt=
+"A wagon followed by slaves and men wielding whips." id="img015-14"
+name="img015-14" width="50%" /></a>
+<p>FOLLOWING IN THE BEATEN TRACK.</p>
+</div>
+<hr class="full" />
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+1, October 23, 1841, by Various
+
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+</pre>
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+</body>
+</html>
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1,
+October 23, 1841, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, October 23, 1841
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14933]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG
+Online Distributed Proofreading
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 1.
+
+
+
+FOR THE WEEK ENDING OCTOBER 23, 1841.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE GREAT CREATURE.
+
+Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk was a tall young man, a thin young man, a
+pale young man, and, as some of his friends asserted, a decidedly
+knock-kneed young man. Moreover he was a young man belonging to and
+connected with the highly respectable firm of Messrs. Tims and Swindle,
+attorneys and bill-discounters, of Thavies'-inn, Holborn; from the which
+highly respectable firm Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk received a salary
+of one pound one shilling per week, in requital for his manifold services.
+The vocation in which Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk laboured partook
+peculiarly of the peripatetic; for at all sorts of hours, and through all
+sorts of streets was Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk daily accustomed to
+transport his anatomy--presenting overdue bills, inquiring after absent
+acceptors, invisible indorsers, and departed drawers, for his masters, and
+wearing out, as he Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk eloquently expressed
+it, "no end of boots for himself." Such was the occupation by which Mr.
+Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk lived; but such was not the peculiar path to
+fame for which his soul longed. No! "he had seen plays, and longed to
+blaze upon the stage a star of light."
+
+That portion of time which was facetiously called by Messrs. Tims and
+Swindle "the leisure" of Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk, being some
+eight hours out of the twenty-four, was spent in poring over the glorious
+pages of the immortal bard; and in the desperate enthusiasm of his heated
+genius would he, Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk, suddenly burst forth in
+some of the most exciting passages, and with Stentorian lungs "render
+night hideous" to the startled inhabitant of the one-pair-back, adjoining
+the receptacle of his own truckle-bed and mortal frame.
+
+Luck, whether good or evil, begat Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk an
+introduction to some other talented young gentlemen, who had so far
+progressed in histrionic acquirements, that from spouting themselves, they
+had taken to spouting their watches, and other stray articles of small
+value, to enable them to pay the charges of a private theatre, where, as
+often as they could raise the needful, they astonished and delighted their
+wondering friends. Among this worshipful society was Mr. Horatio
+Fitzharding Fitzfunk adopted and enrolled as a trusty and well-beloved
+member; and in the above-named private theatre, in suit of solemn black,
+slightly relieved by an enormous white handkerchief, and a well-chalked
+countenance, did Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk, at or about the hour of
+half past eight--being precisely sixty minutes behind the period
+announced, in consequence of the non-arrival of the one fiddle and ditto
+flute comprising, or rather that ought to have comprised, the
+orchestra--made his debut, and a particularly nervous bow to the good
+folks there assembled, "as and for" the character "of Hamlet, the Danish
+Prince."
+
+To describe the "exclamations of delight," the "tornadoes of applause,"
+the earthquakes of rapture, or the "breathless breathing" of the entranced
+audience, would beat Mr. Bunn into fits, and the German company into
+fiddle-cases; so, like a newspaper legacy, which is the only one that
+never pays duty, we "_leave_ it to our reader's imagination."
+
+The die was cast. Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk's former avocations
+became intensely irksome--if he served a writ it was no longer a "writ of
+right." Copies for "Jenkins" were consigned to "Tompkins;" "Brown"
+declined pleading to "Smith" and Smith declared off Brown's declaration.
+In inquiries after "solvent acceptors," Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk
+was still more abroad. In the mystification of his brains, all answers
+seemed to be delivered "per contra." Forlorn hopes on three-and sixpenny
+stamps were converted into the circulating medium; "good actors" were
+considered "good men" in the very reverse of Shylock's acceptation of the
+term; and astonished indorsers succeeded in "raising the wind" upon
+"kites" they would have bet any odds no "wind in the world could induce to
+fly." Everything in this world must come to an end--bills generally do in
+three months: so did these, and so did Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk's
+responsible and peripatetic avocations in the highly respectable firm of
+Messrs. Tims and Swindle, attorneys, and to their cost, through the agency
+of Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk, bill-discounters, of Thavies' Inn,
+Holborn; they, the said highly respectable firm of Tims and Swindle,
+handing over to Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk the sum of four and
+tenpence, being the balance of his quarter's salary, which, so great was
+Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk's opinion of the solvency of the said
+highly respectable firm, he had allowed to remain undrawn in their hands,
+together with a note utterly and totally declining any further service or
+assistance as "_in_" or "_out_door" or any sort of clerk at all, from Mr.
+Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk, and amiably recommending the said Horatio to
+apply elsewhere for a character; the which advice Mr. Horatio Fitzharding
+Fitzfunk attended to instanter, and received, in consideration of the sum
+of thirty shillings, that of "Richard the Third" from the Dramatic
+Committee of Catherine Street. If Hamlet was good, Richard (among the
+amateurs) was better; and if Richard was better, Shylock (at "one five")
+was best, and Romeo and all the rest better still: and it may be worthy of
+remark, that there is no person on earth looked upon by admiring managers
+as more certain of success than the "promising young man who PAYS for his
+parts."
+
+Now it so happened that Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk's purse became an
+exceedingly "Iago"-like, "something, nothing, trashy" sort of affair--in
+other words, that its owner, Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk, was
+regularly stumped; and as the Amateur Dramatic Theatrical Committee
+"always go upon the _no pay no play system_," Mr. Horatio Fitzharding
+Fitzfunk was about to incur the fate of Lord John Russell's tragedy, and
+become regularly "shelved."
+
+In this dilemma Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk addressed all sorts of
+letters to all sorts of managers, offering himself for all sorts of
+salaries, to play the best of all sorts of business, but never received
+any sort of answer from one of them! Returning to his solitary lodging,
+after a fortnight's "half and half" of patience and despair, and just as
+despair was walking poor patience to Old Harry, Mr. Horatio Fitzharding
+Fitzfunk encountered one of his histrionic acquaintance, who did the
+"three and sixpenny walking gents," and dramatic general postmen, or
+letter-deliverers, at "the Private." In the course of the enlightened
+conversation between the said friend, Mr. Julius Dilberry Pipps, and Mr.
+Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk, Julius Dilberry Pipps expressed an earnest
+wish that he "might be blowed considerably tighter than the Vauxhall
+balloon if ever he _see_ such a likeness of Mr. Hannibal Fitzflummery
+Fitzflam," the "great actor of the day," as his "_bussom_ and intimate,"
+Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk! A nervous pressure of Mr. Horatio
+Fitzharding Fitzfunk's "pickers and stealers" having nearly reduced to one
+vast chaos the severely compressed digits of the enthusiastic Julius
+Dilberry Pipps, the invisible green broad-cloth envelopments and drab
+lower encasements, crowned with gossamer and based with calf-skin, wherein
+the total outward man of Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk was enrobed,
+together with his ambulating anatomy, evanished from the startled gaze of
+the deserted and finger-contused Julius Dilberry Pipps! Having asserted
+the entire realisation of his hastily-formed wish, in the emphatic words,
+"Well, I _am_ blowed!" and a further comment, stating his conviction that
+"this was _rayther_ a rummy go," Mr. Julius Dilberry Pipps reduced his
+exchequer the gross amount of threepence, paid in consideration of the
+instant receipt of "a pint o'porter and screw," to the fumigation of which
+he applied with such excessive vigour, that in a few moments he might be
+said, by his own exertions in "blowing a cloud," to be corporeally as well
+as mentally "in nubibus."
+
+To account for the rapid departure of Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk, we
+must inform our readers the supposed similarity alluded to by Julius
+Dilberry Pipps, between the "great creature," Hannibal Fitzflummery
+Fitzflam, and Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk, had been before frequently
+insisted upon: and this assertion of the obtuse Julius Dilberry Pipps now
+seemed "confirmation strong as proof of holy writ." Agitated with
+conflicting emotions, and regardless of small children and apple-stalls,
+Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk rushed on with headlong speed, every now
+and then ejaculating, "I'll do it, I'll do it!" A sudden overhauling of
+his pockets produced some stray halfpence; master of a "Queen's head," a
+sheet of vellum, a new "Mordaunt," and an "envelope," Mr. Horatio
+Fitzharding Fitzfunk, arrived at his three-pair-back, indited an epistle
+to the manager at the town of ----, with extraordinary haste signed the
+document, and, in "the hurry of the moment," left the inscription
+thus--H.F. FITZFLAM! The morrow's post brought an answer; the terms were
+acceded to, the night appointed for his opening; and Mr. Horatio
+Fitzharding Fitzfunk found, upon inspecting the proof of the playbill, the
+name in full of "_Mr. Hannibal Fitzflummery Fitzflam_," "the great
+tragedian of the day!"
+
+Pass we over the intervening space, and at once come to the momentous
+morning of rehearsal. The expected Roscius arrived like punctuality's
+self, at the appointed minute, was duly received by the company, who had
+previously been canvassing his merits, and assuring each other that all
+stars were _muffs_, but Fitzflam one of the most impudent impostors that
+ever moved. "I, sir," said the leader of the discontented
+fifteen-shillings-a-week-when-they-could-get-it squad, "I have been in the
+_profession_ more years than this fellow has months, and he is getting
+hundreds where I am neglected: never mind! only give me a chance, and I'll
+show him up. But I suppose the management--(pretty management, to engage
+such a chap when I'm here)--I suppose they will truckle to him, and send
+me on, as usual, for some wretched old bloke there's no getting a hand in.
+John Kemble himself (and I'm told I'm in his style), I say, John Kemble,
+my prototype, the now immortal John, never got applause in
+'_Blokes!_'--But never mind." As a genealogist would say, "Fitz the son of
+Funk" never more truly represented his ancestral cognomen than on this
+trying occasion. He was no longer with amateurs, but regulars,--fellows
+that could "talk and get on somehow;" that were never known to stick in
+Richard, when they remembered a speech from George Barnwell; men with
+"swallows" like Thames tunnels: in fact, accomplished "gaggers" and
+unrivalled "wing watchers." However, as Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk
+spoke to none of them, crossed where he liked, cut out most of _their_
+best speeches, and turned _all_ their _backs_ to the audience, he passed
+muster exceedingly well, and acted the genuine star with considerable
+effect. So it was at night. Some folks objected to his knees, to be sure;
+but then they were silenced--"What! Fitzflam's knees bad! Nonsense!
+Fitzflam is the thing in London; and do you think Fitzflam ought to be
+decried in the provinces? hasn't he been lithographed by Lane? Pooh!
+impudence! spite!" The great _name_ made Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk
+"the great man," and all went swimmingly. On the last night of his
+engagement, the night devoted to his benefit, the house was crammed, and
+Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk, reflecting that all was "cock sure," as
+he should pocket the proceeds and return to London undiscovered, was
+elevated to Mahomet's seventh heaven of happiness, awaiting with
+impatience the prompter's whistle and the raising of the curtain: where
+for a time we will leave him, and attend upon the real "Simon Pure"--the
+genuine and "old original Hannibal Fitzflummery Fitzflam."
+
+(_To be continued._)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+ATRY-ANGLE.
+
+SIR R. PEEL has been recently so successful in fishing for adherents,
+that, since bobbing so cleverly for Wakley, he has baited his hook afresh,
+and intends to start for Minto House forthwith; having his eye upon a
+certain small fish that is ever seen _Russell_ing among the sedges in
+troubled waters. We trust Sir Bob will succeed this time in
+
+[Illustration: FISHING FOR JACK.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH'S COMMISSION TO INQUIRE INTO THE GENERAL DISTRESS.
+
+
+I.--_Copy of a Letter from the Under Secretary of State to Punch._
+
+Downing-street.
+
+Sir,--Knowing that you are everywhere, the Secretary of State has desired
+me to request you will inquire into the alleged distress, and particularly
+into the fact of people who it is alleged are so unreasonable in their
+expectations of food, as to die because they cannot get any.
+
+I have the honour to be, &c.
+
+HORATIO FITZ-SPOONY
+
+
+II.--_Copy of Punch's Letter to the Under Secretary of State._
+
+Sir,--I have received your note. I am everywhere; but as everything is gay
+when I make my appearance, I have not seen much of the distress you speak
+of. I shall, however, make it my business to look the subject up, and will
+convey my report to the Government.
+
+I think it no honour to be yours, &c.; but
+
+I have the very great honour to be myself without any &c.
+
+PUNCH.
+
+In compliance with the above correspondence, Punch proceeded to make the
+necessary inquiries, and very soon was enabled to forward the following
+
+REPORT ON THE PUBLIC DISTRESS.
+
+
+_To Her Majesty's Secretary of State for the Home Department._
+
+Sir,--In compliance with my undertaking to inquire into the public
+distress, I went into the manufacturing districts, where I had heard that
+several families were living in one room with nothing to eat, and no bed
+to lie upon. Now, though it is true that there are in some places as many
+as thirty people in one apartment, I do not think their case very
+distressing, because, at all events, they have the advantage of society,
+which could not be the case if they were residing in separate apartments.
+It is clear that their living together must be a matter of choice, because
+I found in the same town several extensive mansions inhabited by one or
+two people and a few servants; and there are also some hundreds of houses
+wholly untenanted. Now, if we multiply the houses by the rooms in them,
+and then divide by the number of the population, we should find that there
+will be an average of three attics and two-sitting-rooms for each family
+of five persons, or an attic and a half with one parlour for every two and
+a half individuals; and though one person and a half would find it
+inconvenient to occupy a sleeping room and three-quarters, I think my
+calculation will show you that the accounts of the insufficiency of
+lodging are gross and wicked exaggerations, only spread by designing
+persons to embarrass the Government.
+
+With regard to the starvation part of the question, I have made every
+possible inquiry, and it is true that several people have died because
+they would not eat food; for the facts I shall bring to your notice will
+prove that no one can have perished from the _want_ of it. Now, after
+visiting a family, which I was told were in a famishing state, what was my
+surprise to observe a baker's shop exactly opposite their lodging, whilst
+a short way down the street there was a butcher's also! The family
+consisted of a husband and wife, four girls, eight boys, and an infant of
+three weeks old, making in all fifteen individuals. They told me they were
+literally dying of hunger, and that they had applied to the vestry, who
+had referred them to the guardians, who had referred them to the overseer,
+who had referred them to the relieving officer, who had gone out of town,
+and would be back in a week or two. Not even supposing there were a brief
+delay in attending to their case, at least by the proper authorities, you
+will perceive that I have already alluded to a baker's and a butcher's,
+_both_ (it will scarcely be believed at the Home-office) in the _very
+street_ the family were residing in. Being determined to judge for myself,
+I counted personally the number of four-pound loaves in the baker's
+window, which amounted to thirty-six, while there were twenty-five
+two-pound loaves on the shelves, to say nothing of fancy-bread and flour
+_ad libitum_. But let us take the loaves alone,
+
+                           36 loaves, each weighing four pounds,
+    Multiplied by           4
+                          ---
+    will give             144 pounds of wheaten bread;
+    To which must be added 50 pounds (the weight of the 25 half-qtns.),
+                          ---
+    Making a total of     194 pounds of good wholesome bread,
+
+which, if divided amongst a family of fifteen, would give 12 pounds and 14
+fractions of a pound to each individual. Knocking off the baby, for the
+sake of uniformity, and striking out the mother, both of whom might be
+supposed to take the fancy bread and the flour, which I have not included
+in my calculation, and in order to get even numbers, supposing that 194
+pounds of bread might become 195 pounds by over weight, we should get the
+enormous quantity of fifteen full pounds weight of bread, or a stone and
+one-fourteenth, (more, positively, than anybody ought to eat), for the
+husband and each of the children (except the baby, who gets a moiety of
+the rolls) belonging to this _starving family_!!! You will see, Sir, how
+shamefully matters have been misrepresented by the Anti-Corn-Law
+demagogues; but let us now come to the butcher's meat.
+
+It will hardly be credited that I counted no less than fourteen sheep
+hanging up in the shop I have alluded to, while there was a bullock being
+skinned in the back yard, and a countless quantity of liver and lights all
+over the premises. Knocking off the infant again for the sake of
+uniformity, you will perceive that the fourteen sheep would be one sheep
+each for every member of this family, including the mother, to whom we
+gave half the rolls and flour in the former case, and there still remains
+(to say nothing of the entire bullock for the baby of three weeks, which
+no one will deny to be sufficient) a large quantity of lights, et cetera,
+for the cat or dog, if there should be such a wilful extravagance in the
+family. With these facts I close my report, and I trust that you will see
+how thoroughly I have proved the assertion of the Duke of Wellington--that
+if there is distress, it must be in some way quite unconnected with a want
+of food, for there is plenty to eat in every part of the country.
+
+I shall be happy to undertake further inquiries, and shall have no
+objection to consider myself regularly under Government.
+
+Yours obediently,
+
+PUNCH.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE TEA SERVICE ON SEA SERVICE.
+
+LORD JOCELYN, in his recent work upon China, while writing upon the
+pastimes and amusements of the people, expresses great satisfaction at the
+entertainment afforded travellers in their private assemblies; though he
+confesses, as a general principle, he should always avoid making one in
+the more promiscuous
+
+[Illustration: CHINESE JUNKETTING.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE HEIR OF APPLEBITE.
+
+
+CHAPTER VII.
+
+CONTAINS A VERY FAIR BILL OF FARE.
+
+
+[Illustration: S]Simultaneously with the last chord of the last quadrille
+the important announcement was made that supper was ready--a piece of
+information that produced a visible commotion among the party. Young
+gentlemen who had incautiously engaged old or ugly partners evinced a
+decided desire to get rid of them, or, by the expression of their
+countenances, seemed to be inwardly cursing their unfortunate situation.
+Young ladies in whose bosoms the first "slight predilection" had taken up
+a residence, experienced, they knew not why, a mental and physical
+prostration at the absence of Orlando Sims or Tom Walker, who (how
+provoking!) were doing the gallant to some "horrid disagreeable
+coquettes."  Mamas, who really did like a good supper, and considered it
+an integral portion of their daily sustenance, crowded towards the door
+that led to the comestibles, fearing that they might not get eligible
+situations before the solids, but be placed among the bashful young
+gentlemen, who linger to the last to pull off their gloves in order to
+pull them on again, and look as though they considered they ought to be
+happy and were extremely surprised that they were not.
+
+The arrangement of the supper-table displayed the deep research of
+Mesdames Applebite and Waddledot in the mysteries of gastronomical
+architecture. Pagodas of barley-sugar glistened in the rays of thirty-six
+wax candles and four Argand lamps--parterres of jellies, gravelled round
+with ratafias or valanced with lemon-peel, trembled as though in sympathy
+with the agitated bosoms of their delicate concocters--custards freckled
+with nutmeg clustered the crystal handles of their cups
+together--sarcophagi of pound cakes frowned, as it were, upon the
+sweetness which surrounded them--whilst fawn-coloured elephants (from the
+confectionary menagerie of the celebrated Simpson of the Strand) stood
+ready to be slaughtered. Huge stratified pies courted the inquiries of
+appetite. Chickens boiled and roast reposed on biers of blue china
+bedecked with sprigs of green parsley and slices of yellow lemon. Tanks of
+golden sherry and
+
+[Illustration: FULL-BODIED PORTE]
+
+wooed the thirsty revellers; and never since the unlucky
+dessert of Mother Eve have temptations been so willingly embraced. The
+carnage commenced--spoons dived into the jelly--knives lacerated the
+poultry and the raised pies--a colony of custards vanished in a
+moment--the elephants were demolished by "ivories[1]"--the sarcophagi were
+buried--and the glittering pagodas melted rapidly before the heat and the
+attacks of four little ladies in white muslin and pink sashes. The tanks
+of sherry and port were distributed by the young gentlemen into the
+glasses and over the dresses of the young ladies. The tipsy-cake, like the
+wreck of the _Royal George_, was rescued from the foaming ocean in which
+it had been imbedded. The diffident young gentlemen grew very red about
+the eyes, and very loquacious about the "next set after supper;" whilst
+the faces of the elderly ladies all over lie room looked like the red
+lamps on Westminster Bridge, and ought to have been beacons to warn the
+inexperienced that where they shone there was very little water. The
+violent clattering of the plates was at length succeeded by a succession
+of merry giggles and provoking little screams, occasioned by the rapid
+discharge of a park of _bonbons_.
+
+    [1] _Anglice_, Teeth.--THE _one_ PIERCE.
+
+Where the "slight predilection" was reciprocated, the Orlando Simses and
+the Tom Walkers were squeezing in beside the blushing idols of their
+worship and circling the waists of their divinities with their arms, in
+order to take up less room on the rout-stool.
+
+Mamas were shaking heads at daughters who had ventured upon a tenth sip of
+a glass of sherry. Papas were getting extremely jocular about the
+probability of becoming grand-dittos. Everybody else was doing exactly
+what everybody pleased, when Mrs. Applebite's uncle John emerged from
+behind an epergne, and vociferously commanded everybody to charge their
+glasses; a requisition which nobody was bold enough to dispute. Uncle John
+then wiped his lips in the table-cloth, and proceeded to inform the
+company of a fact that was universally understood, that they had met there
+to celebrate the first dental dawn of the heir of Applebite. "I have only
+to refer you," said uncle John, "to the floor of the next room for the
+response to my request--namely, that you will drain your glasses; and, in
+the words of nephew Agamemnon Collumpsion Applebite, 'partake of our
+dental delight.'" This eloquent address was followed by immense cheering
+and a shower of sherry bottoms, which the gentlemen in their "entusymusy"
+scattered around them as Hesperus is reported to dispense his tee-total
+drops.
+
+Nothing could be going on better--no woman could feel prouder than Mrs.
+Waddledot, when--we hope you don't anticipate the catastrophe--when two of
+the Argand lamps gave olfactory demonstrations of dissolution. Sperm oil
+is a brilliant illuminator, but we never knew any one except an Esquimaux,
+or a Russian, who preferred it to lavender-water as a perfume. Old John
+was in a muddle of misery--evidently
+
+[Illustration: LOOKING DOWN UPON HIS LUCK.--]
+
+and was only relieved from his embarrassment by the following fortunate
+occurrence:--
+
+By-the-bye, we have just recollected that we have an invitation to dinner.
+Reader--_au revoir_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+NEW WORKS NOW IN THE PRESS.
+
+An Abstract and Brief Chronicle of the Times. Very small duodecimo. By Mr.
+ROEBUCK.
+
+A New Dissertation on the Anatomy of the Figures of the Multiplication
+Table. By JOSEPH HUME.
+
+Outlines of the Late Ministry, after _Ten Years_ (Teniers). By Lord
+MELBOURNE.
+
+Recollections of Place. By Lord JOHN RUSSELL.
+
+Mythological Tract upon the Heathen Deity Cupid. By Lord PALMERSTON.
+
+Explanatory Annotations on the Abstruse Works of the late Joseph (_vulgo_
+Joe) Miller. With a humorous etching of his tombstone, and Original
+Epitaph. By Colonel SIBTHORP.
+
+Also, by the same Author, an Ornithological Treatise on the various
+descriptions of Water-fowl; showing the difference between Russia and
+other Ducks, and why the former are invariably sold in pairs.
+
+A few words on Indefinite Subjects, supposed to be Sir Robert Peel's
+Future Intentions. By Mr. WAKLEY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+AMERICAN CONGRESS.
+
+We hasten to lay before our readers the following authentic reports of the
+latest debates in the United States' Congress, which have been forwarded
+to us by our peculiarly and especially exclusive Reporters.
+
+_New York._--The greatest possible excitement exists here, agitating alike
+the bosoms of the Whites, the Browns, and the Blacks; a universal sympathy
+appears to exist among all classes, the greater portion of whom are
+looking exceedingly blue. The all-absorbing question as to whether the
+"war is to be or not to be," seems an exceedingly difficult one to answer.
+One party says "Yes," and another party says "No," and a third party says
+the above parties "Lie in their teeth;" and thereupon issue is joined, and
+bowie-knives are exchanged--the "Yes" walking away with "No's" sheathed in
+the middle of his back, and the "No" making up for his loss by securing
+the "Yes's" somewhere between his ribs. All the black porters are looking
+out for light jobs, and rushing about with shutters and cards of address,
+bearing high-minded "Loco-focos" and shot-down "democrats" to their
+respective surgeons and houses. This unusual bustle and activity gives the
+more political parts of the city an exceedingly brisk appearance, and has
+caused most of the eminent surgeons, not attached to either party, to be
+regularly retained by the principal speakers in these most interesting
+debates.
+
+In Congress great attention is paid to the comfort of the various members,
+who are all provided with spittoons, though they are by no means compelled
+to tie themselves down to the exclusive use of those expectorant
+receptacles; on the contrary, much ingenuity is shown by some of the more
+practised in picking out other deposits; a vast majority of the
+Kentuckians will back themselves to "shoot through" the opposition
+member's nose and eye-glass without touching "flesh or flints."
+
+The prevailing opinion appears to be, that should we come to a fight they
+will completely alter the costume of the country, and "whop us into fits."
+Their style of elocution is masterly in the extreme, redolent with the
+sagest deductions, and overflowing with a magnificent and truly Eastern
+redundancy of the most poetical tropes. I will now proceed to give you an
+extract from the celebrated speaker on the war side--"the renowned
+Jonathan J. Twang."
+
+"I rather calculate that tarnal, pisoned, alligator of a ring-tailed,
+roaring, pestiferous, rattlesnake, that critter 'the Old Country,' would
+jist about give up one half its skin, and wriggle itself slick out of the
+other, rayther than go for to put our dander up at this present identical
+out-and-out important critical crisis! I conceit their min'stry have got
+jist about into as considerable a tarnation nasty fix, as a naked nigger
+in the stocks when the mosquitoes are steaming up a little beyond high
+pressure. I guess Prince Albert and the big uns don't find their seats
+quite as soft as buttered eels in a mud bank! Look here--isn't it
+considerable clear they're all funking like burnt Cayenne in a clay pipe;
+or couldn't they have made a raise some how to get a ship of their own, or
+borrow one, to send after that caged-up 'coon of a Macleod? It's my
+notion, and pretty considerable clear to me, they're all bounce, like bad
+chesnuts, very well to look at, but come to try them at the fire for a
+roast, and they turn out puff and shell. They talk of war as the boy did
+of whipping his father, but like him, they daresn't do it, and why not?
+why, for the following elegant reasons:--Since they have been used to the
+advantages of doing their little retail trade with our own go-ahead and
+carry-all-before-it right slick-up-an-end double-distilled essence of a
+genuine fine and civilised country, the everlasting 'possums have become
+habituated to some of the manners of our enlightened inhabitants. We have
+nothing to do but refuse the supply of cottons, and leave them all with as
+little shirts to their backs as wool on a skinned eel. Isn't it the
+intercourse with this here country that enables them to speak their very
+language with something rayther like a leetle correctness, though they're
+just about as far behind us as the last jint of the sea-sarpent is from
+his eye-tooth?
+
+"Doesn't all international law consist in keeping an everlasting bright
+look-out on your own side, and jamming all other varments slick through a
+stone wall, as the waggon-wheel used up the lame frog? (Hear, hear.) I
+say--and mind you I'll stick to it like a starved sloth to the back of a
+fat babby--I say, gentlemen, this country, the United States (particularly
+Kentucky, from which I come, and which will whip all the rest with
+out-straws and rotten bull-rushes agin pike, bagnet, mortars, and all
+their almighty fine artillery), I say, then, this country is considerable
+like a genuine fac-simile of the waggon-wheel, and the pretty oneasy
+busted-up old worn-out island of the bull-headed Britishers, ain't nothing
+more than the tee-totally used-up frog. (Hear, hear.)
+
+"I expect they'd have just as much chance with us as a muzzled monkey with
+a hiccory-nut. Talk of their fleet! I'll bet six live niggers to a dead
+'coon, our genuine Yankee clippers will whip them into as bad a fix as a
+flying-fish with a gull at his head and a shark at his tail. They're jist
+about as much out of their reckoning as the pig that took to swimming for
+his health and cut his throat trying it on.
+
+"It's everlasting strange to me if, to all future posterity coming after
+us, the word 'Macleod' don't shut up their jaws from bragging of British
+valour just about as tight as the death-squeeze of a boa-constrictor round
+a smashed-up buffalo!
+
+"If it wa'n't for the distance and leaving my plantation, I'd go over with
+any on you, and help to use up the lot myself! Let them 'come on,' as the
+tiger said to the young kid, and see what 'I'll do for you.' They talk of
+sending out their chaps here, do they; let them; they'll be just about as
+happy as a toad in hot tar, and that's a fact." Here Jonathan J. Twang sat
+down amid immense cheers; at the conclusion of which, Mr. Peter P.
+Pellican, from the back-woods, requested--he, Peter P. Pellican, being
+from _Orleans_--that Mr. Jonathan J. Twang would retract certain words
+derogatory to the state represented by Peter P. Pellican. Mr. Jonathan J.
+Twang replied in the following determined refusal:--"I beg to inform the
+last speaker, Mr. Peter P. Pellican, from the back-woods, that I'll see
+him tee-totatiously tarred, feathered, and physicked with red-hot oil and
+fish-hooks, before I'll retract one eternal syllable of my pretty
+particular correct assertions."
+
+This announcement created considerable confusion. The President behaved in
+the most impartial and manly manner, indiscriminately knocking down all
+such of both parties who came within reach of his mace, and not leaving
+the chair until he had received two black eyes and lost two front teeth.
+The general _melee_ was carried on with immense spirit; the more violent
+members on either side pummelling each other with the most hearty and
+legislative determination. This exciting scene was continued for some
+time, until during a short cessation a member with a broken leg proposed
+an adjournment till the following day, when the further discussion could
+be carried on with Bowie-knives and pistols; this proposition was at once
+acceded to with immense delight by all parties. If well enough (as I have
+two broken ribs, my share of the row) I will forward you an authentic
+statement of this interesting proceeding.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+EPITAPH ON A CANDLE.
+
+  A _wicked_ one lies buried here,
+    Who died in a _decline_;
+  He never rose in rank, I fear,
+    Though he was born to _shine_.
+
+  He once was _fat_, but now, indeed,
+    He's thin as any griever;
+  He died,--the Doctors all agreed,
+    Of a most _burning_ fever.
+
+  One thing of him is said with truth,
+    With which I'm much amused;
+  It is--That when he stood, forsooth,
+    A _stick_ he always used.
+
+  Now _winding-sheets_ he sometimes made,
+    But this was not enough,
+  For finding it a poorish trade,
+    He also dealt in _snuff_.
+
+  If e'er you said "_Go out_, I pray,"
+    He much ill nature show'd;
+  On such occasions he would say,
+    "Vy, if I do, _I'm blow'd_."
+
+  In this his friends do all agree,
+    Although you'll think I'm joking,
+  When _going out_ 'tis said that he
+    Was very fond of _smoking_.
+
+  Since all religion he despised,
+    Let these few words suffice,
+  Before he ever was baptized
+    They _dipp'd_ him once or twice.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SIBTHORP ON BORTHWICK.
+
+Our Sibthorp, while speaking of the asinine qualities of Peter Borthwick,
+remarked, that in his opinion that respectable member of the Lower House
+must be indebted to the celebrated medicine promising extreme "length of
+ears," and advertised as
+
+[Illustration: PARR'S SPECIFIC.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+FIRE! FIRE!
+
+A REMONSTRANCE WITH THE NINTH OF NOVEMBER.
+
+How melancholy an object is a "polished front," that vain-glorious and
+inhospitable array of cold steel and willow shavings, in which the
+emancipated hearth is annually constrained by careful housewives to
+signalise the return of summer, and its own consequent degradation from
+being a part of the family to become a piece of mere formal furniture. And
+truly in cold weather, which (thanks to the climate, for we love our
+country) is all the weather we get in England, the fire is a most
+important individual in a house: one who exercises a bland authority over
+the tempers of all the other inmates--for who could quarrel with his feet
+on the fender? one with whom everybody is anxious to be well--for who
+would fall out with its genial glow? one who submits with a graceful
+resignation to the caprices of every casual elbow--and who has never poked
+a fire to death? one whose good offices have endeared him alike to the
+selfish and to the cultivated,--at once a host, a mediator, and an
+occupation.
+
+We have often had our doubts (but then we are partial) whether it be not
+possible to carry on a conversation with a fire. With the aid of an
+evening newspaper by way of interpreter, and in strict confidence, no
+third party being present, we feel that it can be done. Was there an
+interesting debate last night? were the ministers successful, or did the
+opposition carry it? In either case, did not the fire require a vigorous
+poke just as you came to the division? and did not its immediate flame,
+or, on the contrary, its dull, sullen glow, give you the idea that it
+entertained its own private opinions on the subject? And if those opinions
+seemed contrary to yours, did you not endeavour to betray the sparks into
+an untenable position, by submitting them to the gentle sophistry of a
+poker nicely insinuated between the bars? or did you not quench with a
+sudden retort of small coal its impertinent congratulation at an
+unfortunate result? until, when its cordial glow, penetrating that
+unseemly shroud, has given evidence of self-conviction, you felt that you
+had dealt too harshly with an old friend, and hastened to make it up with
+him again by a playful titillation, more in jest than earnest.
+
+But this is all to come. Not yet (with us) have the kindly old bars,
+reverend in their attenuation, been restored to their time-honoured
+throne; not yet have the dingy festoons of pink and white paper
+disappeared from the garish mantel. Still desolate and cheerless shows the
+noble edifice. The gaunt chimney yawns still in sick anticipation of
+deferred smoke. The "irons," innocent of coal, and polished to the tip,
+skulk and cower sympathetically into the extreme corner of the fender. The
+very rug seems ghastly and grim, wanting the kindly play of the excited
+flame. We have no comfort in the parlour yet: even the privileged kitten,
+wandering in vain in search of a resting-place, deems it but a chill
+dignity which has withdrawn her from the warm couch before the
+kitchen-fire. Things have become too real for home. We have no joy now in
+those delicious loiterings for the five minutes before dinner--those
+casual snatches of Sterne, those scraps of Steele. We have left off
+smiling; we are impregnable even to a pun. What _is_ the day of the month?
+
+Surely were not October retrospectively associated (in April and glorious
+May) with the grateful magnificence of ale, none would be so unpopular as
+the chilly month. There is no period in which so much of what ladies call
+"unpleasantness" occurs, no season when that mysterious distemper known as
+"warming" is so epidemic, as in October. It is a time when, in default of
+being conventionally cold, every one becomes intensely cool. A general
+chill pervades the domestic virtues: hospitality is aguish, and charity
+becomes more than proverbially numb.
+
+In twenty days how different an appearance will things wear! The magic
+circle round the hearth will be filled with beaming faces; a score of
+hands will be luxuriously chafing the palpable warmth dispensed by a
+social blaze; some more privileged feet may perchance be basking in the
+extraordinary recesses of the fender. We shall consult the thermometer to
+enjoy the cold weather by contrast with the glowing comfort within. We
+shall remark how "time flies," and that "it seems only yesterday since we
+had a fire before;" forgetful of the hideous night and the troublous
+dreams that have intervened since those sweet memories. And all this--in
+twenty days.
+
+We are no innovators: we respect all things for their age, and some for
+their youth. But we would hope that, in humbly looking for a fire in the
+cold weather, even though November be still in the store of time, we
+should be exhibiting no dangerous propensities. If, as we are inclined to
+believe, fires were discovered previously to the invention of lord mayors,
+wherefore should we defer our accession to them until he is welcomed by
+those frigid antiquities Gog and Magog? Wherefore not let fires go out
+with the old lord mayor, if they needs must come in with the new?
+Wherefore not do without lord mayors altogether, and elect an annual grate
+to judge the prisoners at the _bar_ in the Mansion House, and to listen to
+the quirks of the facetious Mr. _Hob_-ler?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+AN APPROPRIATE GIFT.
+
+We perceive that the fair dames of Nottingham have, with compassionate
+liberality, presented to Mr. Walter, one of the Tory candidates at the
+late election, a silver _salver_. What a delicate and appropriate gift for
+a man so beaten as Master Walter!--the pretty dears knew where he was
+hurt, and applied a silver salve--we beg pardon, _salver_--to his wounds.
+We trust the remedy may prove consolatory to the poor gentleman.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOT A STEP FA(R)THER.
+
+The diminutive chroniclers of Animalcula-Chatter, called small-talk, have
+been giving a minute description of the goings on of His Grace of
+Wellington at Walmer. They hint that he sleeps and wakes by clock-work,
+eats by the ounce, and drinks and walks by measure. During the latter
+recreation, it is his _pleasure_, they tell us, to use one of _Payne's_
+pedometers to regulate his march. Thus it is quite clear the great Captain
+will never become a
+
+[Illustration: "SOLDIER TIRED."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A MALE DUE.
+
+The Post-office in Downing-street has been besieged by various inquirers,
+who are anxiously seeking for some information as to the expected arrival
+of the Royal Male.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+CURIOUS SYNONYMS.
+
+Sir Peter Laurie discovered during his residence in Boulogne that _veau_
+is the French for _veal_. On his return to England, being at a public
+dinner, he exhibited his knowledge of the tongues by asking a brother
+alderman for a slice of his _weal_ or _woe_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+HAPPY LAND!
+
+Six young girls, inmates of the Lambeth workhouse, were brought up at
+Union Hall, charged with breaking several squares of glass. In their
+defence, they complained that they had been treated worse in the workhouse
+than they would be in prison, and said that it was to cause their
+committal to the latter place they committed the mischief. What a
+beautiful picture of moral England this little anecdote exhibits! What
+must be the state of society in a country where crime is punished less
+severely than poverty?
+
+  Old England, bless'd and favour'd clime!
+    Where paupers to thy prisons run;
+  Where poverty's the only crime
+    That angry justice frowns upon.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE NEW STATE STRETCHER.
+
+"What an uncomfortable bed Peel has made for himself!" observed Normanby
+to Palmerston. "That's not very clear to me, I confess," replied the
+Downing-street Cupid, "as it is acknowledged he sleeps on a _bolstered
+cabinet_." The pacificator of Ireland closed his face for the remainder of
+the day.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+The latest case of monomania, from our own specially-raised American
+correspondent:--A gentleman who fancied himself a pendulum always went
+upon tick, and never discovered his delusion until he was carefully wound
+up in the Queen's Bench.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"VERY LIKE A WHALE."
+
+  The first of all the royal infant males
+  _Should_ take the title of the Prince of _Wales_;
+  Because 'tis clear to seaman and to lubber,
+  Babies and _whales_ are both inclined to _blubber_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+ARRIVED AT LAST.
+
+We perceived by a paragraph copied from the "_John o'Groats Journal_,"
+that an immense Whale, upwards of _seventy-six_ feet in length, was
+captured a few days since at Wick. Sir Peter Laurie and Alderman Humphrey
+on reading this announcement _naturally_ concluded that the _Wick_
+referred to was our gracious Queen _Wic_, and rushed off to
+Buckingham-palace to pay their united tribute of loyalty to the
+long-expected _Prince of Wales_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+EPIGRAM.
+
+  I'm going to seal a letter, Dick,
+    Some _wax_ pray give to me.
+  I have not got a _single stick_,
+    Or _whacks_ I'd give to thee.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE PICTORIAL HISTORY OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+In our last we briefly adverted to the gratifying fact that Mr. Barry had
+at least a thousand superficial feet on the walls of the new Houses of
+Parliament at the services of the historical painters of England; and we
+also, in a passing manner, suggested a few compositions worthy of their
+pencils. A reconsideration of the matter convinces us that the subject is
+too important--too national, to be adopted as merely the fringe of our
+article; and we have therefore determined within ourselves to devote our
+present essay to a serious discussion of the various pictures that are, or
+_ought_, to decorate the interior of the new House of Commons. As for the
+House of Lords, we see no necessity whatever for lavishing the fine
+inspirations of art on that temple of wisdom; inasmuch as the sages who
+deliberate there are, for the most part, born legislators, coming into the
+world with all the rudiments of government in embryo in their baby heads,
+and, on the twenty-first anniversary of their birthday, putting their legs
+out of bed adult, full-grown law-makers. It would be the height of
+democratic insolence to attempt to teach these chosen few: it would, in
+fact, be a misprision of treason against the sovereignty of Nature, who,
+when making the _pia mater_ of a future peer of England, knows very well
+the delicate work she has in hand, and takes pains accordingly. It is
+different when she manufactures a mob of skulls which, by a jumble of
+worldly accidents, or by the satire of Fortune in her bitterest mood, may
+ultimately belong to Members of the House of Commons. These she makes, as
+they make blocks in Portsmouth-yard, a hundred a minute. All she has to do
+is to fulfil her contract with the world, taking care that there shall be
+no want of the raw material for Members of Parliament, leaving it to
+Destiny to work it up as she may. We have not the slightest doubt,
+by-the-by, that poor Nature is often very much confounded by the ultimate
+application of her own handiwork. We can fancy the venerable old gossip at
+her business, patting up skulls as serenely as our lamented great
+grandmother (she wrote a very pretty book on the beauties of population,
+and illustrated the work, too, with portraits from her own hand) was wont
+to pat up apple-dumplings:--we can imagine Nature--good old soul!--looking
+over her spectacles at the infant dough, and saying to herself as she
+finishes skull by skull--"Ha! that will do for a pawnbroker;"--"That, as
+it's rather low and narrow, for a sharp attorney;"--"That for a parish
+constable;"--"That for a clown at a fair,"--and so on. And we can well
+imagine the astonishment of simple-hearted old Nature on getting a ticket
+for the gallery of the House of Commons (for very seldom, indeed, has she
+been known to show herself on the floor), to see her skull of a pawnbroker
+on the shoulders of a Chancellor of the Exchequer; her _caput_ of the
+sharp attorney belonging to a Minister of the Home Department; her head of
+a parish constable as a Paymaster of the Forces; and the dough she had
+intended to swallow knives and eat fire at wakes and fairs gravely
+responded to as "an honourable and gallant member!" Whereupon, who can
+wonder at the amazement and indignation of Mother Nature, and that, with a
+keen sense of the misapplication of her skulls, she sometimes abuses
+Mother Fortune in good set terms, mingling with her reproaches the
+strongest reflections on her chastity?
+
+We have thought it due to the full consideration of our subject so far, to
+dwell upon the natural difference between the skull of a Peer and the
+skull of a Commoner. The skull of the noble, as we have shown, is a thing
+made to order--fitted up, like Mr. MECHI'S pocket-dressing-case, with the
+ornamental and useful: no instrument can be added to it--the thing is
+complete. Hence, to employ historical painters for the education of the
+House of Lords would be a useless and profligate expenditure of art and
+money. It would be to paint the lily LONDONDERRY--to add a perfume to the
+violet ELLENBOROUGH. All Peers being from the first--indeed, even _in
+utero_--ordained law-makers, statute-making comes to them by nature. How
+much history goes to prove this, showing that the House of Lords--like the
+Solomons of the _fleur-de-lis_--have learned nothing, and forgotten
+nothing! To attempt to instruct a Peer would be as gross an impertinence
+to the instinct of his order as to present MINERVA--who no doubt came from
+the head of JOVE a Peeress in her own right--with a toy alphabet or
+horn-book.
+
+For the skulls of the House of Commons,--that is, indeed, another
+question! We are so far utilitarian that we would have the pictures for
+which Mr. BARRY offers a thousand feet selected solely with a view to the
+dissemination of knowledge amongst the many benighted members of the House
+of Commons. We would have the subjects so chosen that they should entirely
+supersede _Oldfield's Representative History_; never forgetting the wants
+of the most illiterate. For instance, for the politicians on the fifth
+form, the SIBTHORPS and PLUMPTRES, whose education in their youth has been
+shamefully neglected, we would have a nice pictorial political alphabet.
+We do not pride ourselves, be it understood, upon writing unwrinkled
+verse; we only present the subjoined as a crude idea of our plan, taken we
+confess, from certain variegated volumes, to be had either of Mr. SOUTER,
+St. Paul's Churchyard, or Messrs. DARTON and HARVEY, Holborn.
+
+  A was King ALFRED, a monarch of note;
+  B is BURDETT, who can well turn a coat.
+
+Here we would have the chief incidents of Alfred's life nicely painted,
+with BURDETT, late Old Glory, and now Old Corruption. As for the poetry,
+when we consider the capacities of the learners, _that_ cannot be too
+simple, too homely. The House, however, may order a Committee of
+Versification, if it please; all that we protest against is D'ISRAELI
+being of the number.
+
+  C is the CORN-LAWS, that famish'd the poor;
+  D is the DEBT, that will famish them more.
+
+Here, for the imaginative artist, is an opportunity! To paint the wholesale
+wickedness and small villanies of the Corn-laws! What a contrast of scene
+and character! Squalid hovels, and princely residences--purse-proud,
+plethoric injustice, big and bloated with, its iniquitous gains, and gaunt,
+famine-stricken multitudes! Then for the Debt--that hideous thing begotten
+by war and corruption; what a tremendous moral lesson might be learned from
+a nightly conning of the terrific theme!
+
+We have neither poetic genius nor space of paper to go through the whole
+of the alphabet; we merely throw out the above four lines--and were we not
+assured that they are better lines, far more musical, than any to be found
+in BULWER'S SIAMESE TWINS, we should blush much nearer scarlet than we
+do--to give an idea of the utility and beautiful comprehensiveness of our
+plan.
+
+The great difficulty, however, will be to compress the subjects--so
+multitudinous are they--within the thousand feet allowed by the architect.
+To begin with the Wittenagemot, or meeting of the wise men, and to end
+with portraits of Mr. Roebuck's ancestors--to say nothing of the fine
+imaginative sketch of the Member for Bath tilting, in the mode of Quixote
+with the steam-press of Printing-house-square--will require the most
+extraordinary powers of condensation on the parts of the artists.
+Nevertheless, if the undertaking be even creditably executed, it will be a
+monument of national wisdom and national utility to unborn generations of
+Members. What crowds of subjects press upon us! The _History of Bribery_
+might make a sort of Parliamentary Rake's Progress, if we could but hit
+upon the artist to portray its manifold beauties. _The Windsor Stables_
+and _the Education of the Poor_ would form admirable companion-pictures,
+in which the superiority of the horse over the human animal could be most
+satisfactorily delineated--the quadruped having considerably more than
+three times the amount voted to him for snug lodging, hay, beans, and
+oats, that the English pauper obtained from Parliament for that manure of
+the soil--as congregated piety at Exeter Hall denominates it--a Christian
+education!
+
+What a beautiful arabesque border might be conceived from a perusal of the
+late Lord Castlereagh's speeches! We should here have Parliamentary
+eloquence under a most fantastic yet captivating phase. Who, for instance,
+but the artist to PUNCH could paint CASTLEREAGH'S figure of a smug,
+contented, selfish traitor, the "crocodile with his hand in his breeches'
+pocket?" Again, does not the reader recollect that extraordinary person
+who, according to the North Cray Demosthenes, "turned his back _upon
+himself_?" There would be a portrait!--one, too, presenting food for the
+most "sweet and bitter melancholy" to the GRAHAMS and the STANLEYS. There
+is also that immortal Parliamentary metaphor, emanating from the same
+mysterious source,--"The _feature_ upon which the question _hinges_!" The
+only man who could have properly painted this was the enthusiastic BLAKE,
+who so successfully limned the ghost of a flea! These matters, however,
+are to be considered as merely supplementary ornaments to great themes.
+The grand subjects are to be sought for in _Hansard's Reports_, in
+petitions against returns of members, in the evidence that comes out in
+the committee-rooms, in the abstract principles of right and wrong, that
+make members honest patriots, or that make them give the harlot "ay" and
+"no," as dictated by the foul spirit gibbering in their breeches' pockets.
+
+That we may have painted all these things, Mr. BARRY offers up one
+thousand feet. Oh! Mr. B. can't you make it ten!
+
+Q.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH's PENCILLINGS.--No. XV.
+
+[Illustration: REFLECTION.
+
+"FAREWELL, A LONG FAREWELL, TO ALL MY GREATNESS."--_King Henry VIII_.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE PHYSIOLOGY OF THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT.
+
+4.--OF THE MANNER IN WHICH THE FIRST SEASON PASSES.
+
+From the period of our last Chapter our friend commences to adopt the
+attributes of the mature student. His notes are taken as before at each
+lecture he attends, but the lectures are fewer, and the notes are never
+fairly transcribed; at the same time they are interspersed with a larger
+proportion of portraits of the lecturer, and other humorous conceits. He
+proposes at lunch-time every day that he and his companions should "go the
+odd man for a pot;" and the determination he had formed at his entry to
+the school, of working the last session for all the prizes, and going up
+to the Hall on the Thursday and the College on the Friday without
+grinding, appears somewhat difficult of being carried into execution.
+
+It is at this point of his studies that the student commences a steady
+course of imaginary dissection: that is to say, he keeps a chimerical
+account of extremities whose minute structure he has deeply investigated
+(in his head), and received in return various sums of money from home for
+the avowed purpose of paying for them. If he really has put his name down
+for any heads and necks or pelvic viscera at the commencement of the
+season, when he had imbibed and cherished some lunatic idea "that
+dissection was the sheet-anchor of safety at the College," he becomes a
+trafficker in human flesh, and disposes of them as quickly as he can to
+any hard-working man who has his examination in perspective.
+
+He now assumes a more independent air, and even ventures to chalk odd
+figures on the black board in the theatre. He has been known, previously
+to the lecture, to let down the skeleton that hangs by a balance weight
+from the ceiling, and, inserting its thumb in the cavity of its nose, has
+there secured it with a piece of thread, and then, placing a short pipe in
+its jaws, has pulled it up again. His inventive faculties are likewise
+shown by various diverting objects and allusions cut with his knife upon
+the ledge before him in the lecture-room, whereon the new men rest their
+note-books and the old ones go to sleep. In vain do the directors of the
+school order the ledge to be coated with paint and sand mixed
+together--nothing is proof against his knife; were it adamant he would cut
+his name upon it. His favourite position at lecture is now the extremity
+of the bench, where its horse-shoe form places him rather out of the range
+of the lecturer's vision; and, ten to one, it is here that he has cut a
+cribbage-board on the seat, at which he and his neighbour play during the
+lecture on Surgery, concealing their game from common eyes by spreading a
+mackintosh cape on the desk before them. His conversation also gradually
+changes its tone, and instead of mildly inquiring of the porter, on his
+entering the school of a morning, what is for the day's anatomical
+demonstration, he talks of "the regular lark he had last night at the
+Eagle, and how jolly screwed he got!"--a frank admission, which bespeaks
+the candour of his disposition.
+
+Careful statistics show us that it is about the end of November the new
+man first makes the acquaintance of his uncle; and observant people have
+remarked, as worthy of insertion in the Medical Almanack amongst the usual
+phenomena of the calendar--"About this time dissecting cases and
+tooth-instruments appear in the windows, and we may look for watches
+towards the beginning of December." Although this is his first transaction
+on his own account, yet his property has before ascended the spout, when
+some unprincipled student, at the beginning of the season, picked his
+pocket of a big silver lancet-case, which he had brought up with him from
+the country; and having, pledged it at the nearest money-lender's, sent
+him the duplicate in a polite note, and spent the money with some other
+dishonest young men, in drinking their victim's health in his absence.
+And, by the way, it is a general rule that most new men delight to carry
+big lancet-cases, although they have about as much use for them as a
+lecturer upon practice of physic has for top boots.
+
+Thus gradually approaching step by step towards the perfection of his
+state, the new man's first winter-session passes; and it is not unlikely
+that, at the close of the course, he may enter to compete for the
+anatomical prize, which he sometimes gets by stealth, cribbing his answers
+from a tiny manual of knowledge, two inches by one-and-a-half in size,
+which he hides under his blotting-paper. This triumph achieved, he devotes
+the short period which intervenes before the commencement of the summer
+botanical course to various hilarious pastimes; and as the watch and
+dissecting-case are both gone, he writes the following despatch to his
+governor--
+
+
+LETTER No. II.--(_Copy._)
+
+MY DEAR FATHER,--You will, I am sure, be delighted to learn that I have
+gained the twenty-ninth honorary certificate for proficiency in anatomy
+which you will allow is a very high number when I tell you that only
+thirty are given. I have also the satisfaction of informing you that the
+various professors have given me certificates of having attended their
+lectures _very diligently_ during the past courses.
+
+I work very hard, but I need not inform you that, with all my economy, I
+am at some expense for good books and instruments. I have purchased
+_Liston's Surgery_, Anthony Thompson's _Materia Medica_, Burns and
+Merriman's _Midwifery_, Graham's _Chemistry_, Astley Cooper's
+_Dislocations_, and Quain's _Anatomy_, all of which I have read carefully
+through twice. I also pay a private demonstrator to go over the bones with
+me of a night; and I have bought a skeleton at Alexander's--a great
+bargain. This, when I "pass," I think of presenting to the museum of the
+hospital, as I am under great obligations to the surgeons. I think a
+ten-pound note willl clear my expenses, although I wish to enter to a
+summer course of dissections, and take some lessons in practical chemistry
+in the laboratories with Professor Carbon, but these I will endeavour to
+pay for out of my own pocket. With my best regards to all at home, believe
+me,
+
+Your affectionate son,
+
+JOSEPH MUFF.
+
+
+As soon as the summer course begins, the Botanical Lectures commence with
+it, and the polite Company of Apothecaries courteously request the
+student's acceptance of a ticket of admission to the lectures, at their
+garden at Chelsea. As these commence somewhere about eight in the morning,
+of course he must get up in the middle of the night to be there; and
+consequently he attends very often, of course. But the botanical
+excursions that take place every Saturday from his own school are his
+especial delight. He buys a candle-box to contain all the chickweed,
+chamomiles, and dandelions he may collect, and slinging it over his
+shoulder with his pocket-handkerchief, he starts off in company with the
+Professor and his fellow-herbalists to Wandsworth Common, Battersea
+Fields, Hampstead Heath, or any other favourite spot which the cockney
+Flora embellishes with her offspring.
+
+The conduct of medical students on botanical excursions generally appears
+in various phases. Some real lovers of the study, pale men in spectacles,
+who wear shoes and can walk for ever, collect every weed they drop upon,
+to which they assign a most extraordinary name, and display it at their
+lodgings upon cartridge paper, with penny pieces to keep the leaves in
+their places as they dry. Others limit their collections to
+stinging-nettles, which they slyly insert into their companions' pockets,
+or long bulrushes, which they tuck under the collars of their coats; and
+the remainder turn into the first house of public entertainment they
+arrive at on emerging from the smoke of London to the rural districts, and
+remain all day absorbed in the mysteries of ground billiards and
+knock-'em-downs, their principal vegetable studies being confined to
+lettuces, spring onions, and water-cresses. But all this is very
+proper--we mean the botanical part of the story--for the knowledge of the
+natural class and order of a buttercup must be of the greatest service to
+a practitioner in after-life in treating a case of typhus fever or
+ruptured blood-vessel. At some of the Continental Hospitals, the pupil's
+time is wasted at the bedside of the patient, from which he can only get
+practical information. How much better is the primrose-investigating
+_curriculum_ of study observed at our own medical schools!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SOME THINGS TO WHICH THE IRISH WOULD NOT SWEAR.
+
+MR. GROVE.--This insufferably ignorant, and, therefore, insolent
+magisterial cur, who has recently made himself an object of unenviable
+notoriety, by asserting that "the Irish would swear anything," has shown
+himself to be as stupid as he is malignant. Would, for instance, the most
+hard-mouthed Irishman in existence venture to swear that--
+
+  Mr. Grove is a gentleman; or that--
+  Sir Francis Burdett has brought honour to his grey hairs; or that--
+  Colonel Sibthorp has more brains than beard; or that--
+  Sir Robert Peel feels for anybody but himself; or that--
+  Peter Borthwick was listened to with attention; or that--
+  Sir Peter Laurie's wisdom cannot be estimated; or that--
+  Sir Edward George Erle Lytton Bulwer thinks very small beer of
+      himself; or that--
+  The Earl of Coventry carries a vast deal of sense under his hat; or
+      that--
+  Mr. Roebuck is the pet of the _Times_; or, in short, that--
+  The Tories are the best and most popular governors that England
+      ever had.
+
+If "the Irish would swear" to the above, we confess they "would swear
+anything."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+COMING EVENTS CAST THEIR SHADOWS BEFORE THEM.
+
+SIR JAMES CLARK is in daily attendance at the Palace. We suppose that he
+is looking out for a new berth under Government.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+HOSTILITIES IN PRIVATE LIFE.
+
+We have just heard of an event which has shaken the peace of a highly
+respectable house in St. Martin's Court, from the chimney-pots to the
+coal-cellar. Mrs. Brown, the occupier of the first floor, happened, on
+last Sunday, to borrow of Mrs. Smith, who lived a pair higher in the
+world, a German silver teapot, on the occasion of her giving a small
+twankey party to a few select friends. But though she availed herself of
+Mrs. Smith's German-silver, to add respectability to her _soiree_, she
+wholly overlooked Mrs. Smith, who was _not_ invited to partake of the
+festivities. This was a slight that no woman of spirit could endure; and
+though Mrs. Smith's teapot was German-silver, she resolved to let Mrs.
+Brown see that she had herself some real Britannia _mettle_ in her
+composition. Accordingly when the teapot was sent up the following morning
+to Mrs. Smith's apartments, with Mrs. Brown's "compliments and thanks,"
+Mrs. Smith discovered or affected to discover, a serious contusion on the
+lid of the article, and despatched it by her own servant back to Mrs.
+Brown, accompanied by the subjoined note:--
+
+    "Mrs. Smith's compliments to Mrs. Brown, begs to return the
+    teapott to the latter--in consequence of the ill-usage it has
+    received in her hands."
+
+Mrs. Brown, being a woman who piques herself upon her talent at epistolary
+writing, immediately replied in the following terms:--
+
+    "Mrs. Brown's compliments to Mrs. Smith, begs to say that her
+    paltry teapot received no ill usage from Mrs. Brown.--Mrs. B. will
+    thank Mrs. S. not to put two _t_'s at the end of _teapot_ in
+    future."
+
+This note and the teapot were forthwith sent upstairs to Mrs. Smith, whose
+indignation being very naturally roused, she again returned the battered
+affair, with this spirited missive:--
+
+    "Mrs. Smith begs to inform Mrs. Brown, that she despises her
+    insinuations, and to say, that she will put as many _t_'s  as she
+    pleases in her _teapot_.
+
+    "P.S.--Mrs. S. expects to be paid 10s. for the injured article."
+
+Again the teapot was sent upstairs, with the following reply from Mrs.
+Brown:--
+
+    "Mrs. Brown thinks Mrs. Smith a low creature.
+
+    "P.S.--Mrs. B. won't pay a farthing."
+
+The correspondence terminated here, the German-silver teapot remaining in
+_statu quo_ on the lobby window, between the territories of the hostile
+powers; and there it might have remained until the present moment, if Mrs.
+Brown had not declared, in an audible voice, at the foot of the stairs,
+that Mrs. Smith was acting under the influence of gin, which reaching the
+ears of the calumniated lady, she rushed down to the landing-place, and
+seizing the teapot, discharged it at Mrs. Brown's head, which it
+fortunately missed, but totally annihilated a plaster figure of Napoleon,
+which stood in the hall, and materially damaged its own spout. Mrs. Brown,
+being wholly unsupported at the time, retired hastily within the defences
+of her own apartments, which Mrs. Smith cannonaded vigorously for upwards
+of ten minutes with a broom handle; and there is every reason to believe
+she would shortly have effected a practicable breach, if a reinforcement
+from the kitchen had not arrived to aid the besieged, and forced the
+assailant back to her second-floor entrenchments. Mrs. Smith then demanded
+a truce until evening, which was granted by Mrs. Brown; notwithstanding
+which the former lady was detected, in defiance of this arrangement,
+endeavouring to _blow up_ Mrs. Brown through the keyhole.
+
+There is no telling how this unhappy difference will terminate; for though
+at present matters appear tolerably quiet, we know not (as in the case of
+the Canadas) at what moment we may have to inform our readers that
+
+[Illustration: THE BORDERS ARE IN A FLAME.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+GEOLOGY OF SOCIETY.
+
+SECTION II.
+
+We last week described the different strata of society comprehended in the
+INFERIOR SERIES, and the lower portion of the _Clapham Group_. We now beg
+to call the attention of our readers to a most important division in the
+next great formation--which has been termed the TRANSITION CLASS--because
+the individuals composing it are in a gradual state of elevation, and have
+a tendency to mix with the superior strata. By referring to the scale
+which we gave in our first section, it will be seen that the lowest layer
+in this class is formed by the people who keep shops and one-horse
+"shays," and go to Ramsgate for three weeks in the dog-days. They all
+exhibit evidences of having been thrown up from a low to a high level. The
+elevating causes are numerous, but the most remarkable are those which
+arise from the action of unexpected legacies. Lotteries were formerly the
+cause of remarkable elevations; and speculation in the funds may be still
+considered as amongst the elevating causes, though their effect is
+frequently to cause a sudden sinking. Lying immediately above the "shop
+and shay" people, we find the old substantial merchant, who every day
+precisely as the clock strikes ten is in the act of hanging up his hat in
+his little back counting-house in Fenchurch-street. His private house,
+however, is at Brixton-hill, where the gentility of the family is
+supported by his wife, two daughters, a piano, and a servant in livery.
+The best and finest specimens of this strata are susceptible of a slight
+polish; they are found very useful in the construction of joint stock
+banks, railroads, and other speculations where a good foundation is
+required. We now come to the _Russell-square group_, which comprehends all
+those people who "live private," and aim at being thought fashionable and
+independent. Many individuals of this group are nevertheless supposed by
+many to be privately connected with some trading concern in the City. It
+is a distinguishing characteristic of the second layer in this group to
+have a tendency to give dinners to the superior series, while the
+specimens of the upper stratum are always found in close proximity to a
+carriage. Family descent, which is a marked peculiarity of the SUPERIOR
+CLASS, is rarely to be met with in the _Russell-square group_. The fossil
+animals which exist in this group are not numerous: they are for the most
+part decayed barristers and superannuated doctors. Of the ST. JAMES'S
+SERIES it is sufficient to say that it consists of four strata, of which
+the superior specimens are usually found attached to coronets. Most of the
+precious stones, as diamonds, rubies, emeralds, are also to be found in
+this layer. The materials of which it is composed are various, and appear
+originally to have belonged to the inferior classes; and the only use to
+which it can be applied is in the construction of _peers_. Throughout all
+the classes there occur what are called _veins_, containing diverse
+substances. The _larking vein_ is extremely abundant in the superior
+classes--it is rich in brass knockers, bell handles, and policemen's
+rattles; this vein descends through all the lower strata, the specimens in
+each differing according to the situation in which they are found; the
+middle classes being generally discovered deposited in the Coal-hole
+Tavern or the Cider-cellars, while the individuals of the very inferior
+order are usually discovered in gin-shops and low pot-houses, and not
+unfrequently
+
+[Illustration: EMBEDDED IN QUARTS(Z).]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE WAPPING DELUGE.
+
+Father Thames, not content with his customary course, has been "swelling
+it" in the course of the week, through some of the streets of the
+metropolis. As if to inculcate temperance, he walked himself down into
+public-house cellars, filling all the empty casks with water, and
+adulterating all the beer and spirits that came in his way; turning also
+every body's fixed into floating capital. Half empty butts, whose place
+was below, came sailing up into the bar through the ceiling of the cellar;
+saucepans were elevated from beneath the dresser to the dresser itself;
+while cups were made "to pop off the hooks" with surprising rapidity.
+
+But the greatest consternation that prevailed was among the _rats_,
+particularly those in the neighbourhood of Downing-street, who were driven
+out of the sewers they inhabit with astounding violence.
+
+The dairies on the banks of the Thames were obliged to lay aside their
+customary practice of inundating the milk; for such a "meeting of the
+waters" as would otherwise have ensued must have proved rather too much,
+even for the regular customers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SAVORY CON. BY COX.
+
+Why is it impossible for a watch that indicates the smaller divisions of
+time ever to be new?--Because it must always be a second-hand one.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH'S INFORMATION FOR THE PEOPLE.--No. V.
+
+
+NATURAL HISTORY (_Continued_).
+
+THE OPERA-DANCER (_H. capernicus_--CERITOE).
+
+So decidedly does this animal belong to the Bimana order of beings, that
+to his two legs he is indebted for existence. Most of his fellow bipeds
+live by the work of their hands, except indeed the feathered and tailor
+tribes, who live by their bills; but from his thighs, calves, ancles, and
+toes, does the opera-dancer derive subsistence for the less important
+portions of his anatomy.
+
+_Physiology._--The body, face, and arms of the opera-dancer present no
+peculiarities above the rest of his species; and it is to his lower
+extremities alone that we must look for distinguishing features. As our
+researches extend downwards from head to foot, the first thing that
+strikes us is a protuberance of the ante-occipital membranes, so great as
+to present a back view that describes two sides of a scalene triangle, the
+apex of which projects posteriorly nearly half way down the figure. That a
+due equilibrium may be preserved in this difficult position (technically
+called "the first"), the toes are turned out so as to form a right angle
+with the lower leg. Thus, in walking, this curious being presents a mass
+of animated straight lines that have an equal variety of inclination to a
+bundle of rods carelessly tied up, or to Signor Paganini when afflicted
+with the lumbago.
+
+_Habits._--The habits of the opera-dancer vary according as we see him in
+public or in private life. On the stage he is all spangles and activity;
+off the stage, seediness and decrepitude are his chief characteristics. It
+is usual for him to enter upon his public career with a tremendous bound
+and a hat and feathers. After standing upon one toe, he raises its fellow
+up to a line with his nose, and turns round until the applause comes, even
+if that be delayed for several minutes. He then cuts six, and shuffles up
+to a female of his species, who being his sweetheart (in the ballet), has
+been looking savage envy at him and spiteful indignation at the audience
+on account of the applause, which ought to have been reserved for her own
+capering--to come. When it does, she throws up her arms and steps upon
+tiptoe about three paces, looking exactly like a crane with a sore heel.
+Making her legs into a pair of compasses, she describes a circle in the
+air with one great toe upon a pivot formed with the other; then bending
+down so that her very short petticoat makes a "cheese" upon the ground,
+spreads out both arms to the _roues_ in the stalls, who understand the
+signal, and cry "_Brava! brava!!_" Rising, she turns her back to display
+her gauze _jupe elastique_, which is always exceedingly _bouffante_:
+expectorating upon the stage as she retires. She thus makes way for her
+lover, who, being her professional rival, she invariably detests.
+
+It is singular that in private life the habits of the animal differ most
+materially according to its sex. The male sometimes keeps an academy and a
+kit fiddle, but the domestic relations of the female remain a profound
+mystery; and although Professors Tom Duncombe, Count D'Orsay,
+Chesterfield, and several other eminent Italian-operatic natural
+historians, have spent immense fortunes in an ardent pursuit of knowledge
+in this branch of science, they have as yet afforded the world but a small
+modicum of information. Perhaps what they _have_ learned is not of a
+nature to be made public.
+
+_Moral Characteristics._--None.
+
+_Reproduction._--The offspring of opera-dancers are not, as is sometimes
+supposed, born with wings; the truth is that these cherubim are frequently
+attached by their backs to copper wires, and made to represent flying
+angels in fairy dramas; and those appendages, so far from being natural,
+are supplied by the property-man, together with the wreaths of artificial
+flowers which each Liliputian divinity upholds.
+
+_Sustenance._--All opera-dancers are decidedly omnivorous. Their appetite
+is immense; quantity and (for most of them come from France), not quality,
+is what they chiefly desire. When not dining at their own expense, they
+eat all they can, and pocket the rest. Indeed, a celebrated
+sylphide--unsurpassed for the graceful airiness of her evolutions--has
+been known to make the sunflower in the last scene bend with the
+additional weight of a roast pig, an apple pie, and sixteen _omelettes
+soufflees_--drink, including porter, in proportion. Various philosophers
+have endeavoured to account for this extraordinary digestive capacity; but
+some of their arguments are unworthy of the science they otherwise adorn.
+For example, it has been said that the great exertions to which the dancer
+is subject demand a corresponding amount of nutriment, and that the
+copious transudation superinduced thereby requires proportionate supplies
+of suction; while, in point of fact, if such theorists had studied their
+subject a little closer, they would have found these unbounded appetites
+accounted for upon the most simple and conclusive ground: it is clear
+that, as most opera-dancers' lives are passed in a _pirouette_, they must
+naturally have enormous twists!
+
+_The geographical distribution of opera-dancers_ is extremely well
+defined, as their names implies; for they most do congregate wherever an
+opera-house exists. Some, however, descend to the non-lyric drama, and
+condescend to "illustrate" the plays of Shakespeare. It is said that the
+classical manager of Drury Lane Theatre has secured a company of them to
+help the singers he has engaged to perform Richard the Third, Coriolanus,
+and other historical plays.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Why has a clock always a bashful appearance?--Because it always keeps its
+hands before its face.
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+KIDNAPPING EXTRAORDINARY.
+
+The _Chronicle_ has been making a desperate attempt to come out in Punch's
+line; he has absolutely been trying the "Too-too-tooit--tooit;" but has
+made a most melancholy failure of it. We could forgive him his efforts to
+be facetious (though we doubt that his readers will) if he had not
+kidnapped three of our own particular pets--the very men who lived and
+grew in the world's estimation on our wits; we mean Peter Borthwick, Ben
+D'Israeli, and our own immortal Sibthorp. Of poor Sib. the joker of the
+_Chronicle_ says in last Tuesday's paper--
+
+"We regret to hear that Col. Sibthorp has suffered severely by cutting
+himself in the act of shaving. His friends, however, will rejoice to learn
+that his whiskers have escaped, and that he himself is going on
+favourably."
+
+We spent an entire night in endeavouring to discover where the wit lay in
+this _cutting_ paragraph; but were obliged at last to give it up,
+convinced that we might as well have made
+
+[Illustration: AN ATTEMPT TO DISCOVER THE LONGITUDE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SONGS OF THE SEEDY.--No. V.
+
+  What am I? Mary, wherefore seek to know?
+    For mystery's the very soul of love.
+  Enough, that wedding thee I'm not below,
+    Enough, that wooing thee I'm not above.
+  You smile, dear girl, and look into my face
+    As if you'd read my history in my eye.
+  I'm not, sweet maid, a footman out of place,
+    For that position would, I own, be shy.
+  What am I then, you ask? Alas! 'tis clear,
+  You love not me, but what I have a year.
+
+  What am I, Mary! Well, then, must I tell,
+    And all my stern realities reveal?
+  Come close then to me, dearest, listen well,
+    While what I am no longer I conceal.
+  I serve my fellow-men, a glorious right;
+    Thanks for that smile, dear maid, I know 'tis due.
+  Yes, many have I served by day and night;
+    With me to aid them, none need vainly sue.
+  Nay, do not praise me, love, but nearer come,
+  That I may whisper, I'm a _bailiff's bum_.
+
+  Why start thus from me? am I then a thing
+    To be despised and cast aside by thee?
+  Oh! while to every one I fondly cling
+    And follow all, will no one follow me?
+  Oh! if it comes to this, dear girl, no more
+    Shalt thou have cause upon my suit to frown;
+  I'll serve no writs again; from me secure,
+    John Doe may run at leisure up and down,
+  Come to my arms, but do not weep the less,
+  Thou art the last I'll e'er take in distress.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A PAIR OF DUCKS.
+
+"Pray, Sir Peter," said a brother Alderman to the City Laurie-ate the
+other day, while discussing the merits of Galloway's plan for a viaduct
+from Holborn-hill to Skinner-street, "Pray, Sir Peter, can you inform me
+what is the difference between a viaduct and an aqueduct?" "Certainly,"
+replied our "City Correspondent," with amazing condescension; "a
+_via-duck_ is a land-duck, and an _aqua-duck_ is a water-duck!" The
+querist confessed he had no idea before of the immensity of Sir Peter's
+scientific knowledge.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH'S THEATRE.
+
+MARGARET MAYFIELD; OR, THE MURDER OF THE LONE FARM-HOUSE.
+
+[Illustration: P]Prodigious! The minor drama has exhausted its stock of
+major crimes: parricide is out of date; infanticide has become from
+constant occurrence decidedly low; homicide grows tame and uninteresting;
+and fratricide is a mere bagatelle, not worthy of attention. The dramatist
+must therefore awaken new sympathies by contriving new crimes--he must
+invent. In this the Sadler's Wells genius has been fortunate. He has
+brought forward a novelty in assassination, which is harrowing in the
+extreme: it may be called _Farm-house-icide_! Just conceive the pitch of
+intense sympathy it is possible for one to feel, while beholding "the
+_murder_ of a lone farm-house!" Arson is nothing to it.
+
+Out of this novel domiciliary catastrophe the author of "Margaret
+Mayfield" has formed a melodrama, which in every other respect is founded,
+like a chancellor's decree, upon precedent; it being a good old-fashioned,
+cut-throat piece, of the leather-breeches-and-gaiter, plough-and-pitchfork
+school. A country-inn parlour of course commences the story, where certain
+characters assemble, who reveal enough of themselves and of the characters
+assumed by their fellows (at that time amusing themselves in the
+green-room), to let any person the least acquainted with the literature of
+melodrama into the secret of the entire plot. There is the villain, who is
+as usual in love with the heroine, and in league with three ill-looking
+fellows sitting at a separate table. There too is the old-established
+farmer, who has about him a considerable sum of money--a fact he mentions
+for the information of his pot-companions, on purpose to be robbed of it.
+The low comedian as usual disports himself upon a three-legged stool,
+dressed in the never-to-be-worn-out short _non_-continuations, skirtless
+coat, and "eccentric" tile.
+
+A scene or two afterwards, and we are surprised to find that the farmer is
+safely housed, and that he has not been robbed upon a bleak moor on a dark
+stage. But we soon feel a sensation of awe, when we learn that before us
+is the interior of the very farm-house that is going to be murdered. The
+farmer and his wife go through the long-standing dialogue of
+stage-stereotype, about love and virtue, the price of turnips, and their
+only child; and the husband goes to some fair with a friend, who had just
+been rejected by his sister-in-law in favour of the villain. The coast
+being left clear, the villain and his accomplices enter, and we know
+something dreadful is going to happen, for the farmer's wife is gone out
+of the way on purpose not to interrupt. The villain draws a knife and
+drags his sweetheart into an out-house, and then the wife comes on to
+describe what is passing; for the audiences of Sadler's Wells would tear
+up the benches if they dared to murder out of sight, without being told
+what is going on. Accordingly, we hear a scream, and the sister of the
+screamer exclaims,--"Ah, horror! He draws the knife across her throat!
+(Great applause.) But no; she takes up a broken ploughshare and escapes!
+(A slight tendency to hiss.) Now he seizes her hair, he throws her down.
+Ah! see how the blood streams from her----." (Intense delight as the woman
+falls flat upon the boards, supposed to be overcome with dread.) A bloody
+knife, of course, next enters, grasped by the villain; who, as usual,
+remarks he is sorry for what has happened, but it can't be helped, and
+must be made the best of. The woman having suddenly recovered, escapes
+into an additional private box, or trunk, placed on the stage for that
+purpose; stating that she will see what is going on from between the
+cracks. The villain then murders the child, and walks off with his hands
+in his pocket; leaving, as is always the case, the fatal knife in a most
+conspicuous part of the stage, which for some seconds it has all to
+itself. The farmer comes in, takes up the knife, and falls down in a fit,
+just in time for the constables to come in and to take him up for the
+murder. The wife jumps out of the box, and by her assistance a tableau is
+formed for the act-drop to fall to.
+
+Our readers, of course, guess the rest. The farmer is condemned to be
+hanged; and in the last scene he is one of the never-omitted procession to
+the gallows. At the cue, "Now then, I am ready to meet my fate like a
+man," the screech in that case always made and provided is heard at a
+distance. "Hold! hold! he is innocent!" are the next words; and enter the
+wife with a pair of pistols, and a witness. The executioner pardons the
+condemned on his own responsibility; and the villain comes on, on purpose
+to be shot, which is done by the farmer, who seems determined not to be
+accused of murder for nothing.
+
+To these charming series of murders we may add that of the Queen's
+English, which was shockingly maltreated, without the least remorse or
+mitigation.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE TWO LAST IMPORTANT SITTINGS.
+
+Mr. Ross has had the last sitting of the Princess Royal for her portrait,
+and the Tories the last sitting of Mr. Walter for Nottingham.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SIBTHORPIAN PROBLEMS.
+
+Colonel Sibthorp presents his compliments to his dear friend and fellow,
+PUNCH, and seeing in the _Times_ of Wednesday last a long account of the
+extraordinary arithmetical powers of a new calculating machine, invented
+by Mr. Wertheimber, he is desirous of asking the inventor, through the
+ubiquitous pages of PUNCH, whether his, Mr. W.'s apparatus--which, as his
+friend George Robins would say, is a lot which seems to be worthy only of
+the great Bidder--(he thinks he had him there)--whether this automatical
+American, or steam calculator, could solve for him the following
+queries:--
+
+If the House of Commons be divided by Colonel Sibthorp on the Corn Laws,
+how much will it add to his credit?
+
+How many times will a joke of Colonel Sibthorp's go into the London
+newspapers?
+
+Extract the root of Mr. Roebuck's family tree, and say whether it would
+come out in anything but vulgar fractions.
+
+Required the difference between political and imperial measures, and state
+whether the former belong to dry or superficial.
+
+If thirty-six be six square, what is St. James's-square?--and if the first
+circles be resident there, say whether this may not be considered as an
+approximation to the quadrature of the circle.
+
+State the _contents_ of the House of Commons upon the next motion of Sir
+Robert Peel, and whether the malcontents will be greater or less.
+
+Required the capacities in feet between a biped, a quadruped, and a
+centipede, and say whether the foot of Mr. Joseph Hume, being just as
+broad as it is long, may not be considered as a square foot.
+
+Express, in harmonious numbers, the proportion between the rhyme and the
+reason of Mr. Benjamin D'Israeli's revolutionary epic, and say whether
+this is not a question of _inverse_ ratio.
+
+Whether, in political progression, the two extremes, Duke of Newcastle and
+Feargus O'Connor, are equal to the mean Joseph Hume.
+
+Is it possible to multiply the difficulties of the Whigs, and, if so, am I
+the figure for the part?
+
+What is the difference between the squares of Messrs. Tom Spring and John
+Gully, and whether the one is the fourth, fifth, or what power of the
+other?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A SLAP AT JOHN CHINAMAN'S CHOPS.
+
+Peter Borthwick lately arrived at the highest possible pressure of
+indignation, while reading some of the insolent fulminations from the
+Celestial Empire. But Peter was sorely at a loss to account for their
+singular names: he was instantly enlightened by the Finsbury interpreter,
+our Tom Duncombe, who rendered the matter clear by asserting it was
+because the Emperor was very partial to a
+
+[Illustration: CHOP WITH CHINESE SAUCE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+HUME LEEDS--WAKLEY FOLLOWS.
+
+Joe Hume has written over to Wakley (postage unpaid) begging of him to
+take warning by his beating at Leeds; as he much fears, should Mr. Wakley
+continue his present line of conduct, when he next presents himself to his
+Finsbury constituents there is great probability of
+
+[Illustration: FOLLOWING IN THE BEATEN TRACK.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+1, October 23, 1841, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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