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October 23, 1841.</title> + +<style type="text/css"> +/*<![CDATA[*/ + +<!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 15%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + ul {list-style-type:none;} + .note {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left:4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left:5em;} + p.cen {text-align:center;} + p.rgt {text-align:right;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} +.figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img {border: none;} +.figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} +.figcenter>p {text-align:center;} +.figcenter {margin: auto;} +.figright {float: right; width:25%;} +.figleft, .dropcap {float: left;width:25%;} + span.sidenote {position: absolute; right: 1%; left: 87%; font-size: .7em;text-align:left;text-indent:0em;} + sup{font-size:.7em;} + span.sc {font-variant:small-caps;} + span.emph {font-size:125%;font-weight:bolder;} + a:link{text-decoration:none;} +.hide {display: none;} + --> +/*]]>*/ +</style> +</head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, +October 23, 1841, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, October 23, 1841 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14933] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG +Online Distributed Proofreading + + + + + + +</pre> + +<h1>PUNCH,<br /> +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> +<h2>VOL. 1.</h2> +<hr class="full" /> +<h2>OCTOBER 23, 1841.</h2> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page169" name="page169"></a>[pg +169]</span> +<h2>THE GREAT CREATURE.</h2> +<p>Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk was a tall young man, a thin +young man, a pale young man, and, as some of his friends asserted, +a decidedly knock-kneed young man. Moreover he was a young man +belonging to and connected with the highly respectable firm of +Messrs. Tims and Swindle, attorneys and bill-discounters, of +Thavies’-inn, Holborn; from the which highly respectable firm +Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk received a salary of one pound one +shilling per week, in requital for his manifold services. The +vocation in which Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk laboured partook +peculiarly of the peripatetic; for at all sorts of hours, and +through all sorts of streets was Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk +daily accustomed to transport his anatomy—presenting overdue +bills, inquiring after absent acceptors, invisible indorsers, and +departed drawers, for his masters, and wearing out, as he Mr. +Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk eloquently expressed it, “no end +of boots for himself.” Such was the occupation by which Mr. +Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk lived; but such was not the peculiar +path to fame for which his soul longed. No! “he had seen +plays, and longed to blaze upon the stage a star of +light.”</p> +<p>That portion of time which was facetiously called by Messrs. +Tims and Swindle “the leisure” of Mr. Horatio +Fitzharding Fitzfunk, being some eight hours out of the +twenty-four, was spent in poring over the glorious pages of the +immortal bard; and in the desperate enthusiasm of his heated genius +would he, Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk, suddenly burst forth in +some of the most exciting passages, and with Stentorian lungs +“render night hideous” to the startled inhabitant of +the one-pair-back, adjoining the receptacle of his own truckle-bed +and mortal frame.</p> +<p>Luck, whether good or evil, begat Mr. Horatio Fitzharding +Fitzfunk an introduction to some other talented young gentlemen, +who had so far progressed in histrionic acquirements, that from +spouting themselves, they had taken to spouting their watches, and +other stray articles of small value, to enable them to pay the +charges of a private theatre, where, as often as they could raise +the needful, they astonished and delighted their wondering friends. +Among this worshipful society was Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk +adopted and enrolled as a trusty and well-beloved member; and in +the above-named private theatre, in suit of solemn black, slightly +relieved by an enormous white handkerchief, and a well-chalked +countenance, did Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk, at or about the +hour of half past eight—being precisely sixty minutes behind +the period announced, in consequence of the non-arrival of the one +fiddle and ditto flute comprising, or rather that ought to have +comprised, the orchestra—made his début, and a +particularly nervous bow to the good folks there assembled, +“as and for” the character “of Hamlet, the Danish +Prince.”</p> +<p>To describe the “exclamations of delight,” the +“tornadoes of applause,” the earthquakes of rapture, or +the “breathless breathing” of the entranced audience, +would beat Mr. Bunn into fits, and the German company into +fiddle-cases; so, like a newspaper legacy, which is the only one +that never pays duty, we “<em>leave</em> it to our +reader’s imagination.”</p> +<p>The die was cast. Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk’s +former avocations became intensely irksome—if he served a +writ it was no longer a “writ of right.” Copies for +“Jenkins” were consigned to “Tompkins;” +“Brown” declined pleading to “Smith” and +Smith declared off Brown’s declaration. In inquiries after +“solvent acceptors,” Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk +was still more abroad. In the mystification of his brains, all +answers seemed to be delivered “per contra.” Forlorn +hopes on three-and sixpenny stamps were converted into the +circulating medium; “good actors” were considered +“good men” in the very reverse of Shylock’s +acceptation of the term; and astonished indorsers succeeded in +“raising the wind” upon “kites” they would +have bet any odds no “wind in the world could induce to +fly.” Everything in this world must come to an +end—bills generally do in three months: so did these, and so +did Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk’s responsible and +peripatetic avocations in the highly respectable firm of Messrs. +Tims and Swindle, attorneys, and to their cost, through the agency +of Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk, bill-discounters, of +Thavies’ Inn, Holborn; they, the said highly respectable firm +of Tims and Swindle, handing over to Mr. Horatio Fitzharding +Fitzfunk the sum of four and tenpence, being the balance of his +quarter’s salary, which, so great was Mr. Horatio Fitzharding +Fitzfunk’s opinion of the solvency of the said highly +respectable firm, he had allowed to remain undrawn in their hands, +together with a note utterly and totally declining any further +service or assistance as “<em>in</em>” or +“<em>out</em>door” or any sort of clerk at all, from +Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk, and amiably recommending the said +Horatio to apply elsewhere for a character; the which advice Mr. +Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk attended to instanter, and received, +in consideration of the sum of thirty shillings, that of +“Richard the Third” from the Dramatic Committee of +Catherine Street. If Hamlet was good, Richard (among the amateurs) +was better; and if Richard was better, Shylock (at “one +five”) was best, and Romeo and all the rest better still: and +it may be worthy of remark, that there is no person on earth looked +upon by admiring managers as more certain of success than the +“promising young man who PAYS for his parts.”</p> +<p>Now it so happened that Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk’s +purse became an exceedingly “Iago”-like, +“something, nothing, trashy” sort of affair—in +other words, that its owner, Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk, was +regularly stumped; and as the Amateur Dramatic Theatrical Committee +“always go upon the <em>no pay no play system</em>,” +Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk was about to incur the fate of +Lord John Russell’s tragedy, and become regularly +“shelved.”</p> +<p>In this dilemma Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk addressed all +sorts of letters to all sorts of managers, offering himself for all +sorts of salaries, to play the best of all sorts of business, but +never received any sort of answer from one of them! Returning to +his solitary lodging, after a fortnight’s “half and +half” of patience and despair, and just as despair was +walking poor patience to Old Harry, Mr. Horatio Fitzharding +Fitzfunk encountered one of his histrionic acquaintance, who did +the “three and sixpenny walking gents,” and dramatic +general postmen, or letter-deliverers, at “the +Private.” In the course of the enlightened conversation +between the said friend, Mr. Julius Dilberry Pipps, and Mr. Horatio +Fitzharding Fitzfunk, Julius Dilberry Pipps expressed an earnest +wish that he “might be blowed considerably tighter than the +Vauxhall balloon if ever he <em>see</em> such a likeness of Mr. +Hannibal Fitzflummery Fitzflam,” the “great actor of +the day,” as his “<em>bussom</em> and intimate,” +Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk! A nervous pressure of Mr. Horatio +Fitzharding Fitzfunk’s “pickers and stealers” +having nearly reduced to one vast chaos the severely compressed +digits of the enthusiastic Julius Dilberry Pipps, the invisible +green broad-cloth envelopments and drab lower encasements, crowned +with gossamer and based with calf-skin, wherein the total outward +man of Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk was enrobed, together with +his ambulating anatomy, evanished from the startled gaze of the +deserted and finger-contused Julius Dilberry Pipps! Having asserted +the entire realisation of his hastily-formed wish, in the emphatic +words, “Well, I <em>am</em> blowed!” and a further +comment, stating his conviction that “this was +<em>rayther</em> a rummy go,” Mr. Julius Dilberry Pipps +reduced his exchequer the gross amount of threepence, paid in +consideration of the instant receipt of “a pint +o’porter and screw,” to the fumigation of which he +applied with such excessive vigour, that in a few moments he might +be said, by his own exertions in “blowing a cloud,” to +be corporeally as well as mentally “in nubibus.”</p> +<p>To account for the rapid departure of Mr. Horatio Fitzharding +Fitzfunk, we must inform our readers the supposed similarity +alluded to by Julius Dilberry Pipps, between the “great +creature,” Hannibal Fitzflummery Fitzflam, and Horatio +Fitzharding Fitzfunk, had been before frequently insisted upon: and +this assertion of the obtuse Julius Dilberry Pipps now seemed +“confirmation strong as proof of holy writ.” Agitated +with conflicting emotions, and regardless of small children and +apple-stalls, Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk rushed on with +headlong speed, every now and then ejaculating, “I’ll +do it, I’ll do it!” A sudden overhauling of his pockets +produced some stray halfpence; master of a “Queen’s +head,” a sheet of vellum, a new “Mordaunt,” and +an “envelope,” Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk, +arrived at his three-pair-back, indited an epistle to the manager +at the town of ——, with extraordinary haste signed the +document, and, in “the hurry of the moment,” left the +inscription thus—H.F. FITZFLAM! The morrow’s post +brought an answer; the terms were acceded to, the night appointed +for his opening; and Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk found, upon +inspecting the proof of the playbill, the name in full of +“<em>Mr. Hannibal Fitzflummery Fitzflam</em>,” +“the great tragedian of the day!”</p> +<p>Pass we over the intervening space, and at once come to the +momentous morning of rehearsal. The expected Roscius arrived like +punctuality’s self, at the appointed minute, was duly +received by the company, who had previously been canvassing his +merits, and assuring each other that all stars were <em>muffs</em>, +but Fitzflam one of the most impudent impostors that ever moved. +“I, sir,” said the leader of the discontented +fifteen-shillings-a-week-when-they-could-get-it squad, “I +have been in the <em>profession</em> more years than this fellow +has months, and he is getting hundreds where I am neglected: never +mind! only give me a chance, and I’ll show him up. But I +suppose the management—(pretty management, to engage such a +chap when I’m here)—I suppose they will truckle to him, +and send me on, as usual, for some wretched old bloke there’s +no getting a hand in. John Kemble himself (and I’m told +I’m in his style), I say, John Kemble, my prototype, the now +immortal John, never got applause in +‘<em>Blokes!</em>‘—But never mind.” As a +genealogist would say, “Fitz the son of Funk” never +more truly represented his ancestral cognomen than on this trying +occasion. He was no longer with amateurs, but +regulars,—fellows that could “talk and get on +somehow;” that were never known to stick in Richard, when +they remembered a speech from George Barnwell; men with +“swallows” like Thames tunnels: in fact, accomplished +“gaggers” and unrivalled “wing watchers.” +However, as Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk spoke to none of them, +crossed where he liked, cut out most of <em>their</em> best +speeches, and turned <em>all</em> their <em>backs</em> to the +audience, he passed muster exceedingly well, and acted the genuine +star with considerable effect. So it was at night. Some folks +objected to his knees, to be sure; but then they were +silenced—“What! Fitzflam’s knees bad! Nonsense! +Fitzflam is the thing in London; and do you think Fitzflam ought to +be decried in the provinces? hasn’t he been lithographed by +Lane? Pooh! impudence! spite!” The great <em>name</em> made +Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk “the great man,” and +all went swimmingly. On the last night of his engagement, the night +devoted to his benefit, the house was crammed, and Mr. <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page170" name="page170"></a>[pg 170]</span>Horatio +Fitzharding Fitzfunk, reflecting that all was “cock +sure,” as he should pocket the proceeds and return to London +undiscovered, was elevated to Mahomet’s seventh heaven of +happiness, awaiting with impatience the prompter’s whistle +and the raising of the curtain: where for a time we will leave him, +and attend upon the real “Simon Pure”—the genuine +and “old original Hannibal Fitzflummery Fitzflam.”</p> +<p>(<em>To be continued.</em>)</p> +<hr /> +<h3>ATRY-ANGLE.</h3> +<p>SIR R. PEEL has been recently so successful in fishing for +adherents, that, since bobbing so cleverly for Wakley, he has +baited his hook afresh, and intends to start for Minto House +forthwith; having his eye upon a certain small fish that is ever +seen <em>Russell</em>ing among the sedges in troubled waters. We +trust Sir Bob will succeed this time in</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/015-01.png"><img src= +"images/015-01.png" alt="Three men talk." id="img015-01" name= +"img015-01" width="50%" /></a> +<p>FISHING FOR JACK.</p> +</div> +<hr class="full" /> +<h2>PUNCH’S COMMISSION TO INQUIRE INTO THE GENERAL +DISTRESS.</h2> +<h4>I.—<em>Copy of a Letter from the Under Secretary of State +to Punch.</em></h4> +<p class="rgt">Downing-street.</p> +<p>Sir,—Knowing that you are everywhere, the Secretary of +State has desired me to request you will inquire into the alleged +distress, and particularly into the fact of people who it is +alleged are so unreasonable in their expectations of food, as to +die because they cannot get any.</p> +<p class="rgt">I have the honour to be, &c.<br /> +HORATIO FITZ-SPOONY</p> +<h4>II.—<em>Copy of Punch’s Letter to the Under +Secretary of State.</em></h4> +<p>Sir,—I have received your note. I am everywhere; but as +everything is gay when I make my appearance, I have not seen much +of the distress you speak of. I shall, however, make it my business +to look the subject up, and will convey my report to the +Government.</p> +<p class="rgt">I think it no honour to be yours, &c.; but<br /> +I have the very great honour to be myself without any &c.<br /> +PUNCH.</p> +<p>In compliance with the above correspondence, Punch proceeded to +make the necessary inquiries, and very soon was enabled to forward +the following</p> +<h3>REPORT ON THE PUBLIC DISTRESS.</h3> +<h4><em>To Her Majesty’s Secretary of State for the Home +Department.</em></h4> +<p>Sir,—In compliance with my undertaking to inquire into the +public distress, I went into the manufacturing districts, where I +had heard that several families were living in one room with +nothing to eat, and no bed to lie upon. Now, though it is true that +there are in some places as many as thirty people in one apartment, +I do not think their case very distressing, because, at all events, +they have the advantage of society, which could not be the case if +they were residing in separate apartments. It is clear that their +living together must be a matter of choice, because I found in the +same town several extensive mansions inhabited by one or two people +and a few servants; and there are also some hundreds of houses +wholly untenanted. Now, if we multiply the houses by the rooms in +them, and then divide by the number of the population, we should +find that there will be an average of three attics and +two-sitting-rooms for each family of five persons, or an attic and +a half with one parlour for every two and a half individuals; and +though one person and a half would find it inconvenient to occupy a +sleeping room and three-quarters, I think my calculation will show +you that the accounts of the insufficiency of lodging are gross and +wicked exaggerations, only spread by designing persons to embarrass +the Government.</p> +<p>With regard to the starvation part of the question, I have made +every possible inquiry, and it is true that several people have +died because they would not eat food; for the facts I shall bring +to your notice will prove that no one can have perished from the +<em>want</em> of it. Now, after visiting a family, which I was told +were in a famishing state, what was my surprise to observe a +baker’s shop exactly opposite their lodging, whilst a short +way down the street there was a butcher’s also! The family +consisted of a husband and wife, four girls, eight boys, and an +infant of three weeks old, making in all fifteen individuals. They +told me they were literally dying of hunger, and that they had +applied to the vestry, who had referred them to the guardians, who +had referred them to the overseer, who had referred them to the +relieving officer, who had gone out of town, and would be back in a +week or two. Not even supposing there were a brief delay in +attending to their case, at least by the proper authorities, you +will perceive that I have already alluded to a baker’s and a +butcher’s, <em>both</em> (it will scarcely be believed at the +Home-office) in the <em>very street</em> the family were residing +in. Being determined to judge for myself, I counted personally the +number of four-pound loaves in the baker’s window, which +amounted to thirty-six, while there were twenty-five two-pound +loaves on the shelves, to say nothing of fancy-bread and flour +<em>ad libitum</em>. But let us take the loaves alone,</p> +<table summary="Loaf count" style="margin:auto"> +<tr> +<td></td> +<td style="text-align:right">36</td> +<td>loaves, each weighing four pounds,</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td>Multiplied by</td> +<td style= +"text-align:right;border-bottom-width:1pt; border-bottom-style:solid;"> +4</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td>will give</td> +<td style="text-align:right">144</td> +<td>pounds of wheaten bread;</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td>To which must be added</td> +<td style= +"text-align:right;border-bottom-width:1pt; border-bottom-style:solid;"> +50</td> +<td>pounds (the weight of the 25 half-qtns.),</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td>Making a total of</td> +<td style="text-align:right">194</td> +<td>pounds of good wholesome bread,</td> +</tr> +</table> +<p>which, if divided amongst a family of fifteen, would give 12 +pounds and 14 fractions of a pound to each individual. Knocking off +the baby, for the sake of uniformity, and striking out the mother, +both of whom might be supposed to take the fancy bread and the +flour, which I have not included in my calculation, and in order to +get even numbers, supposing that 194 pounds of bread might become +195 pounds by over weight, we should get the enormous quantity of +fifteen full pounds weight of bread, or a stone and one-fourteenth, +(more, positively, than anybody ought to eat), for the husband and +each of the children (except the baby, who gets a moiety of the +rolls) belonging to this <em>starving family</em>!!! You will see, +Sir, how shamefully matters have been misrepresented by the +Anti-Corn-Law demagogues; but let us now come to the +butcher’s meat.</p> +<p>It will hardly be credited that I counted no less than fourteen +sheep hanging up in the shop I have alluded to, while there was a +bullock being skinned in the back yard, and a countless quantity of +liver and lights all over the premises. Knocking off the infant +again for the sake of uniformity, you will perceive that the +fourteen sheep would be one sheep each for every member of this +family, including the mother, to whom we gave half the rolls and +flour in the former case, and there still remains (to say nothing +of the entire bullock for the baby of three weeks, which no one +will deny to be sufficient) a large quantity of lights, et cetera, +for the cat or dog, if there should be such a wilful extravagance +in the family. With these facts I close my report, and I trust that +you will see how thoroughly I have proved the assertion of the Duke +of Wellington—that if there is distress, it must be in some +way quite unconnected with a want of food, for there is plenty to +eat in every part of the country.</p> +<p>I shall be happy to undertake further inquiries, and shall have +no objection to consider myself regularly under Government.</p> +<p class="rgt">Yours obediently,<br /> +PUNCH.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>THE TEA SERVICE ON SEA SERVICE.</h3> +<p>LORD JOCELYN, in his recent work upon China, while writing upon +the pastimes and amusements of the people, expresses great +satisfaction at the entertainment afforded travellers in their +private assemblies; though he confesses, as a general principle, he +should always avoid making one in the more promiscuous</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/015-02.png"><img src= +"images/015-02.png" alt="A sea-going ship guns and sinks a junk." +id="img015-02" name="img015-02" width="50%" /></a> +<p>CHINESE JUNKETTING.</p> +</div> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page171" name="page171"></a>[pg +171]</span> +<h2>THE HEIR OF APPLEBITE.</h2> +<h3>CHAPTER VII.</h3> +<h4>CONTAINS A VERY FAIR BILL OF FARE.</h4> +<div class="dropcap"><a href="images/015-03.png"><img src= +"images/015-03.png" alt="A vine-covered S" id="img015-03" name= +"img015-03" width="100%" /></a></div> +<span class="hide">S</span>imultaneously with the last chord of the +last quadrille the important announcement was made that supper was +ready—a piece of information that produced a visible +commotion among the party. Young gentlemen who had incautiously +engaged old or ugly partners evinced a decided desire to get rid of +them, or, by the expression of their countenances, seemed to be +inwardly cursing their unfortunate situation. Young ladies in whose +bosoms the first “slight predilection” had taken up a +residence, experienced, they knew not why, a mental and physical +prostration at the absence of Orlando Sims or Tom Walker, who (how +provoking!) were doing the gallant to some “horrid +disagreeable coquettes.” Mamas, who really did like a good +supper, and considered it an integral portion of their daily +sustenance, crowded towards the door that led to the comestibles, +fearing that they might not get eligible situations before the +solids, but be placed among the bashful young gentlemen, who linger +to the last to pull off their gloves in order to pull them on +again, and look as though they considered they ought to be happy +and were extremely surprised that they were not. +<p>The arrangement of the supper-table displayed the deep research +of Mesdames Applebite and Waddledot in the mysteries of +gastronomical architecture. Pagodas of barley-sugar glistened in +the rays of thirty-six wax candles and four Argand +lamps—parterres of jellies, gravelled round with ratafias or +valanced with lemon-peel, trembled as though in sympathy with the +agitated bosoms of their delicate concocters—custards +freckled with nutmeg clustered the crystal handles of their cups +together—sarcophagi of pound cakes frowned, as it were, upon +the sweetness which surrounded them—whilst fawn-coloured +elephants (from the confectionary menagerie of the celebrated +Simpson of the Strand) stood ready to be slaughtered. Huge +stratified pies courted the inquiries of appetite. Chickens boiled +and roast reposed on biers of blue china bedecked with sprigs of +green parsley and slices of yellow lemon. Tanks of golden sherry +and</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/015-04.png"><img src= +"images/015-04.png" alt="A 'Pasha' smokes a pipe." id="img015-04" +name="img015-04" width="50%" /></a> +<p>FULL-BODIED PORTE</p> +</div> +<p>wooed the thirsty revellers; and never since the unlucky dessert +of Mother Eve have temptations been so willingly embraced. The +carnage commenced—spoons dived into the jelly—knives +lacerated the poultry and the raised pies—a colony of +custards vanished in a moment—the elephants were demolished +by “ivories<sup>1</sup><span class="sidenote">1. +<em>Anglicè</em>, Teeth.—THE <em>one</em> +PIERCE.</span>”—the sarcophagi were buried—and +the glittering pagodas melted rapidly before the heat and the +attacks of four little ladies in white muslin and pink sashes. The +tanks of sherry and port were distributed by the young gentlemen +into the glasses and over the dresses of the young ladies. The +tipsy-cake, like the wreck of the <em>Royal George</em>, was +rescued from the foaming ocean in which it had been imbedded. The +diffident young gentlemen grew very red about the eyes, and very +loquacious about the “next set after supper;” whilst +the faces of the elderly ladies all over lie room looked like the +red lamps on Westminster Bridge, and ought to have been beacons to +warn the inexperienced that where they shone there was very little +water. The violent clattering of the plates was at length succeeded +by a succession of merry giggles and provoking little screams, +occasioned by the rapid discharge of a park of +<em>bonbons</em>.</p> +<p>Where the “slight predilection” was reciprocated, +the Orlando Simses and the Tom Walkers were squeezing in beside the +blushing idols of their worship and circling the waists of their +divinities with their arms, in order to take up less room on the +rout-stool.</p> +<p>Mamas were shaking heads at daughters who had ventured upon a +tenth sip of a glass of sherry. Papas were getting extremely +jocular about the probability of becoming grand-dittos. Everybody +else was doing exactly what everybody pleased, when Mrs. +Applebite’s uncle John emerged from behind an epergne, and +vociferously commanded everybody to charge their glasses; a +requisition which nobody was bold enough to dispute. Uncle John +then wiped his lips in the table-cloth, and proceeded to inform the +company of a fact that was universally understood, that they had +met there to celebrate the first dental dawn of the heir of +Applebite. “I have only to refer you,” said uncle John, +“to the floor of the next room for the response to my +request—namely, that you will drain your glasses; and, in the +words of nephew Agamemnon Collumpsion Applebite, ‘partake of +our dental delight.’” This eloquent address was +followed by immense cheering and a shower of sherry bottoms, which +the gentlemen in their “entusymusy” scattered around +them as Hesperus is reported to dispense his tee-total drops.</p> +<p>Nothing could be going on better—no woman could feel +prouder than Mrs. Waddledot, when—we hope you don’t +anticipate the catastrophe—when two of the Argand lamps gave +olfactory demonstrations of dissolution. Sperm oil is a brilliant +illuminator, but we never knew any one except an Esquimaux, or a +Russian, who preferred it to lavender-water as a perfume. Old John +was in a muddle of misery—evidently</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/015-05.png"><img src= +"images/015-05.png" alt= +"A man looks down on a cradle with twin babies in it." id= +"img015-05" name="img015-05" width="50%" /></a> +<p>LOOKING DOWN UPON HIS LUCK.—</p> +</div> +<p>and was only relieved from his embarrassment by the following +fortunate occurrence:—</p> +<p>By-the-bye, we have just recollected that we have an invitation +to dinner. Reader—<em>au revoir</em>.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>NEW WORKS NOW IN THE PRESS.</h3> +<p>An Abstract and Brief Chronicle of the Times. Very small +duodecimo. By Mr. ROEBUCK.</p> +<p>A New Dissertation on the Anatomy of the Figures of the +Multiplication Table. By JOSEPH HUME.</p> +<p>Outlines of the Late Ministry, after <em>Ten Years</em> +(Teniers). By Lord MELBOURNE.</p> +<p>Recollections of Place. By Lord JOHN RUSSELL.</p> +<p>Mythological Tract upon the Heathen Deity Cupid. By Lord +PALMERSTON.</p> +<p>Explanatory Annotations on the Abstruse Works of the late Joseph +(<em>vulgo</em> Joe) Miller. With a humorous etching of his +tombstone, and Original Epitaph. By Colonel SIBTHORP.</p> +<p>Also, by the same Author, an Ornithological Treatise on the +various descriptions of Water-fowl; showing the difference between +Russia and other Ducks, and why the former are invariably sold in +pairs.</p> +<p>A few words on Indefinite Subjects, supposed to be Sir Robert +Peel’s Future Intentions. By Mr. WAKLEY.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page172" name="page172"></a>[pg +172]</span> +<h2>AMERICAN CONGRESS.</h2> +<p>We hasten to lay before our readers the following authentic +reports of the latest debates in the United States’ Congress, +which have been forwarded to us by our peculiarly and especially +exclusive Reporters.</p> +<p><em>New York.</em>—The greatest possible excitement exists +here, agitating alike the bosoms of the Whites, the Browns, and the +Blacks; a universal sympathy appears to exist among all classes, +the greater portion of whom are looking exceedingly blue. The +all-absorbing question as to whether the “war is to be or not +to be,” seems an exceedingly difficult one to answer. One +party says “Yes,” and another party says +“No,” and a third party says the above parties +“Lie in their teeth;” and thereupon issue is joined, +and bowie-knives are exchanged—the “Yes” walking +away with “No’s” sheathed in the middle of his +back, and the “No” making up for his loss by securing +the “Yes’s” somewhere between his ribs. All the +black porters are looking out for light jobs, and rushing about +with shutters and cards of address, bearing high-minded +“Loco-focos” and shot-down “democrats” to +their respective surgeons and houses. This unusual bustle and +activity gives the more political parts of the city an exceedingly +brisk appearance, and has caused most of the eminent surgeons, not +attached to either party, to be regularly retained by the principal +speakers in these most interesting debates.</p> +<p>In Congress great attention is paid to the comfort of the +various members, who are all provided with spittoons, though they +are by no means compelled to tie themselves down to the exclusive +use of those expectorant receptacles; on the contrary, much +ingenuity is shown by some of the more practised in picking out +other deposits; a vast majority of the Kentuckians will back +themselves to “shoot through” the opposition +member’s nose and eye-glass without touching “flesh or +flints.”</p> +<p>The prevailing opinion appears to be, that should we come to a +fight they will completely alter the costume of the country, and +“whop us into fits.” Their style of elocution is +masterly in the extreme, redolent with the sagest deductions, and +overflowing with a magnificent and truly Eastern redundancy of the +most poetical tropes. I will now proceed to give you an extract +from the celebrated speaker on the war side—“the +renowned Jonathan J. Twang.”</p> +<p>“I rather calculate that tarnal, pisoned, alligator of a +ring-tailed, roaring, pestiferous, rattlesnake, that critter +‘the Old Country,’ would jist about give up one half +its skin, and wriggle itself slick out of the other, rayther than +go for to put our dander up at this present identical out-and-out +important critical crisis! I conceit their min’stry have got +jist about into as considerable a tarnation nasty fix, as a naked +nigger in the stocks when the mosquitoes are steaming up a little +beyond high pressure. I guess Prince Albert and the big uns +don’t find their seats quite as soft as buttered eels in a +mud bank! Look here—isn’t it considerable clear +they’re all funking like burnt Cayenne in a clay pipe; or +couldn’t they have made a raise some how to get a ship of +their own, or borrow one, to send after that caged-up ’coon +of a Macleod? It’s my notion, and pretty considerable clear +to me, they’re all bounce, like bad chesnuts, very well to +look at, but come to try them at the fire for a roast, and they +turn out puff and shell. They talk of war as the boy did of +whipping his father, but like him, they daresn’t do it, and +why not? why, for the following elegant reasons:—Since they +have been used to the advantages of doing their little retail trade +with our own go-ahead and carry-all-before-it right slick-up-an-end +double-distilled essence of a genuine fine and civilised country, +the everlasting ’possums have become habituated to some of +the manners of our enlightened inhabitants. We have nothing to do +but refuse the supply of cottons, and leave them all with as little +shirts to their backs as wool on a skinned eel. Isn’t it the +intercourse with this here country that enables them to speak their +very language with something rayther like a leetle correctness, +though they’re just about as far behind us as the last jint +of the sea-sarpent is from his eye-tooth?</p> +<p>“Doesn’t all international law consist in keeping an +everlasting bright look-out on your own side, and jamming all other +varments slick through a stone wall, as the waggon-wheel used up +the lame frog? (Hear, hear.) I say—and mind you I’ll +stick to it like a starved sloth to the back of a fat babby—I +say, gentlemen, this country, the United States (particularly +Kentucky, from which I come, and which will whip all the rest with +out-straws and rotten bull-rushes agin pike, bagnet, mortars, and +all their almighty fine artillery), I say, then, this country is +considerable like a genuine fac-simile of the waggon-wheel, and the +pretty oneasy busted-up old worn-out island of the bull-headed +Britishers, ain’t nothing more than the tee-totally used-up +frog. (Hear, hear.)</p> +<p>“I expect they’d have just as much chance with us as +a muzzled monkey with a hiccory-nut. Talk of their fleet! +I’ll bet six live niggers to a dead ’coon, our genuine +Yankee clippers will whip them into as bad a fix as a flying-fish +with a gull at his head and a shark at his tail. They’re jist +about as much out of their reckoning as the pig that took to +swimming for his health and cut his throat trying it on.</p> +<p>“It’s everlasting strange to me if, to all future +posterity coming after us, the word ‘Macleod’ +don’t shut up their jaws from bragging of British valour just +about as tight as the death-squeeze of a boa-constrictor round a +smashed-up buffalo!</p> +<p>“If it wa’n’t for the distance and leaving my +plantation, I’d go over with any on you, and help to use up +the lot myself! Let them ‘come on,’ as the tiger said +to the young kid, and see what ‘I’ll do for you.’ +They talk of sending out their chaps here, do they; let them; +they’ll be just about as happy as a toad in hot tar, and +that’s a fact.” Here Jonathan J. Twang sat down amid +immense cheers; at the conclusion of which, Mr. Peter P. Pellican, +from the back-woods, requested—he, Peter P. Pellican, being +from <em>Orleans</em>—that Mr. Jonathan J. Twang would +retract certain words derogatory to the state represented by Peter +P. Pellican. Mr. Jonathan J. Twang replied in the following +determined refusal:—“I beg to inform the last speaker, +Mr. Peter P. Pellican, from the back-woods, that I’ll see him +tee-totatiously tarred, feathered, and physicked with red-hot oil +and fish-hooks, before I’ll retract one eternal syllable of +my pretty particular correct assertions.”</p> +<p>This announcement created considerable confusion. The President +behaved in the most impartial and manly manner, indiscriminately +knocking down all such of both parties who came within reach of his +mace, and not leaving the chair until he had received two black +eyes and lost two front teeth. The general +<em>mêlée</em> was carried on with immense spirit; the +more violent members on either side pummelling each other with the +most hearty and legislative determination. This exciting scene was +continued for some time, until during a short cessation a member +with a broken leg proposed an adjournment till the following day, +when the further discussion could be carried on with Bowie-knives +and pistols; this proposition was at once acceded to with immense +delight by all parties. If well enough (as I have two broken ribs, +my share of the row) I will forward you an authentic statement of +this interesting proceeding.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>EPITAPH ON A CANDLE.</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>A <em>wicked</em> one lies buried here,</p> +<p class="i2">Who died in a <em>decline</em>;</p> +<p>He never rose in rank, I fear,</p> +<p class="i2">Though he was born to <em>shine</em>.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>He once was <em>fat</em>, but now, indeed,</p> +<p class="i2">He’s thin as any griever;</p> +<p>He died,—the Doctors all agreed,</p> +<p class="i2">Of a most <em>burning</em> fever.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>One thing of him is said with truth,</p> +<p class="i2">With which I’m much amused;</p> +<p>It is—That when he stood, forsooth,</p> +<p class="i2">A <em>stick</em> he always used.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Now <em>winding-sheets</em> he sometimes made,</p> +<p class="i2">But this was not enough,</p> +<p>For finding it a poorish trade,</p> +<p class="i2">He also dealt in <em>snuff</em>.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>If e’er you said “<em>Go out</em>, I +pray,”</p> +<p class="i2">He much ill nature show’d;</p> +<p>On such occasions he would say,</p> +<p class="i2">“Vy, if I do, <em>I’m +blow’d</em>.”</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>In this his friends do all agree,</p> +<p class="i2">Although you’ll think I’m joking,</p> +<p>When <em>going out</em> ’tis said that he</p> +<p class="i2">Was very fond of <em>smoking</em>.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Since all religion he despised,</p> +<p class="i2">Let these few words suffice,</p> +<p>Before he ever was baptized</p> +<p class="i2">They <em>dipp’d</em> him once or twice.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>SIBTHORP ON BORTHWICK.</h3> +<p>Our Sibthorp, while speaking of the asinine qualities of Peter +Borthwick, remarked, that in his opinion that respectable member of +the Lower House must be indebted to the celebrated medicine +promising extreme “length of ears,” and advertised +as</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/015-06.png"><img src= +"images/015-06.png" alt="A man canes a boy." id="img015-06" name= +"img015-06" width="50%" /></a> +<p>PARR’S SPECIFIC.</p> +</div> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page173" name="page173"></a>[pg +173]</span> +<h2>FIRE! FIRE!</h2> +<h3>A REMONSTRANCE WITH THE NINTH OF NOVEMBER.</h3> +<p>How melancholy an object is a “polished front,” that +vain-glorious and inhospitable array of cold steel and willow +shavings, in which the emancipated hearth is annually constrained +by careful housewives to signalise the return of summer, and its +own consequent degradation from being a part of the family to +become a piece of mere formal furniture. And truly in cold weather, +which (thanks to the climate, for we love our country) is all the +weather we get in England, the fire is a most important individual +in a house: one who exercises a bland authority over the tempers of +all the other inmates—for who could quarrel with his feet on +the fender? one with whom everybody is anxious to be well—for +who would fall out with its genial glow? one who submits with a +graceful resignation to the caprices of every casual +elbow—and who has never poked a fire to death? one whose good +offices have endeared him alike to the selfish and to the +cultivated,—at once a host, a mediator, and an +occupation.</p> +<p>We have often had our doubts (but then we are partial) whether +it be not possible to carry on a conversation with a fire. With the +aid of an evening newspaper by way of interpreter, and in strict +confidence, no third party being present, we feel that it can be +done. Was there an interesting debate last night? were the +ministers successful, or did the opposition carry it? In either +case, did not the fire require a vigorous poke just as you came to +the division? and did not its immediate flame, or, on the contrary, +its dull, sullen glow, give you the idea that it entertained its +own private opinions on the subject? And if those opinions seemed +contrary to yours, did you not endeavour to betray the sparks into +an untenable position, by submitting them to the gentle sophistry +of a poker nicely insinuated between the bars? or did you not +quench with a sudden retort of small coal its impertinent +congratulation at an unfortunate result? until, when its cordial +glow, penetrating that unseemly shroud, has given evidence of +self-conviction, you felt that you had dealt too harshly with an +old friend, and hastened to make it up with him again by a playful +titillation, more in jest than earnest.</p> +<p>But this is all to come. Not yet (with us) have the kindly old +bars, reverend in their attenuation, been restored to their +time-honoured throne; not yet have the dingy festoons of pink and +white paper disappeared from the garish mantel. Still desolate and +cheerless shows the noble edifice. The gaunt chimney yawns still in +sick anticipation of deferred smoke. The “irons,” +innocent of coal, and polished to the tip, skulk and cower +sympathetically into the extreme corner of the fender. The very rug +seems ghastly and grim, wanting the kindly play of the excited +flame. We have no comfort in the parlour yet: even the privileged +kitten, wandering in vain in search of a resting-place, deems it +but a chill dignity which has withdrawn her from the warm couch +before the kitchen-fire. Things have become too real for home. We +have no joy now in those delicious loiterings for the five minutes +before dinner—those casual snatches of Sterne, those scraps +of Steele. We have left off smiling; we are impregnable even to a +pun. What <em>is</em> the day of the month?</p> +<p>Surely were not October retrospectively associated (in April and +glorious May) with the grateful magnificence of ale, none would be +so unpopular as the chilly month. There is no period in which so +much of what ladies call “unpleasantness” occurs, no +season when that mysterious distemper known as +“warming” is so epidemic, as in October. It is a time +when, in default of being conventionally cold, every one becomes +intensely cool. A general chill pervades the domestic virtues: +hospitality is aguish, and charity becomes more than proverbially +numb.</p> +<p>In twenty days how different an appearance will things wear! The +magic circle round the hearth will be filled with beaming faces; a +score of hands will be luxuriously chafing the palpable warmth +dispensed by a social blaze; some more privileged feet may +perchance be basking in the extraordinary recesses of the fender. +We shall consult the thermometer to enjoy the cold weather by +contrast with the glowing comfort within. We shall remark how +“time flies,” and that “it seems only yesterday +since we had a fire before;” forgetful of the hideous night +and the troublous dreams that have intervened since those sweet +memories. And all this—in twenty days.</p> +<p>We are no innovators: we respect all things for their age, and +some for their youth. But we would hope that, in humbly looking for +a fire in the cold weather, even though November be still in the +store of time, we should be exhibiting no dangerous propensities. +If, as we are inclined to believe, fires were discovered previously +to the invention of lord mayors, wherefore should we defer our +accession to them until he is welcomed by those frigid antiquities +Gog and Magog? Wherefore not let fires go out with the old lord +mayor, if they needs must come in with the new? Wherefore not do +without lord mayors altogether, and elect an annual grate to judge +the prisoners at the <em>bar</em> in the Mansion House, and to +listen to the quirks of the facetious Mr. <em>Hob</em>-ler?</p> +<hr /> +<h3>AN APPROPRIATE GIFT.</h3> +<p>We perceive that the fair dames of Nottingham have, with +compassionate liberality, presented to Mr. Walter, one of the Tory +candidates at the late election, a silver <em>salver</em>. What a +delicate and appropriate gift for a man so beaten as Master +Walter!—the pretty dears knew where he was hurt, and applied +a silver salve—we beg pardon, <em>salver</em>—to his +wounds. We trust the remedy may prove consolatory to the poor +gentleman.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>NOT A STEP FA(R)THER.</h3> +<p>The diminutive chroniclers of Animalcula-Chatter, called +small-talk, have been giving a minute description of the goings on +of His Grace of Wellington at Walmer. They hint that he sleeps and +wakes by clock-work, eats by the ounce, and drinks and walks by +measure. During the latter recreation, it is his <em>pleasure</em>, +they tell us, to use one of <em>Payne’s</em> pedometers to +regulate his march. Thus it is quite clear the great Captain will +never become a</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/015-07.png"><img src= +"images/015-07.png" alt="A man walks with a girl and a baby." id= +"img015-07" name="img015-07" width="50%" /></a> +<p>“SOLDIER TIRED.”</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>A MALE DUE.</h3> +<p>The Post-office in Downing-street has been besieged by various +inquirers, who are anxiously seeking for some information as to the +expected arrival of the Royal Male.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>CURIOUS SYNONYMS.</h3> +<p>Sir Peter Laurie discovered during his residence in Boulogne +that <em>veau</em> is the French for <em>veal</em>. On his return +to England, being at a public dinner, he exhibited his knowledge of +the tongues by asking a brother alderman for a slice of his +<em>weal</em> or <em>woe</em>.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>HAPPY LAND!</h3> +<p>Six young girls, inmates of the Lambeth workhouse, were brought +up at Union Hall, charged with breaking several squares of glass. +In their defence, they complained that they had been treated worse +in the workhouse than they would be in prison, and said that it was +to cause their committal to the latter place they committed the +mischief. What a beautiful picture of moral England this little +anecdote exhibits! What must be the state of society in a country +where crime is punished less severely than poverty?</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Old England, bless’d and favour’d clime!</p> +<p class="i2">Where paupers to thy prisons run;</p> +<p>Where poverty’s the only crime</p> +<p class="i2">That angry justice frowns upon.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>THE NEW STATE STRETCHER.</h3> +<p>“What an uncomfortable bed Peel has made for +himself!” observed Normanby to Palmerston. +“That’s not very clear to me, I confess,” replied +the Downing-street Cupid, “as it is acknowledged he sleeps on +a <em>bolstered cabinet</em>.” The pacificator of Ireland +closed his face for the remainder of the day.</p> +<hr /> +<p>The latest case of monomania, from our own specially-raised +American correspondent:—A gentleman who fancied himself a +pendulum always went upon tick, and never discovered his delusion +until he was carefully wound up in the Queen’s Bench.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>“VERY LIKE A WHALE.”</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>The first of all the royal infant males</p> +<p><em>Should</em> take the title of the Prince of +<em>Wales</em>;</p> +<p>Because ’tis clear to seaman and to lubber,</p> +<p>Babies and <em>whales</em> are both inclined to +<em>blubber</em>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>ARRIVED AT LAST.</h3> +<p>We perceived by a paragraph copied from the “<em>John +o’Groats Journal</em>,” that an immense Whale, upwards +of <em>seventy-six</em> feet in length, was captured a few days +since at Wick. Sir Peter Laurie and Alderman Humphrey on reading +this announcement <em>naturally</em> concluded that the +<em>Wick</em> referred to was our gracious Queen <em>Wic</em>, and +rushed off to Buckingham-palace to pay their united tribute of +loyalty to the long-expected <em>Prince of Wales</em>.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>EPIGRAM.</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>I’m going to seal a letter, Dick,</p> +<p class="i2">Some <em>wax</em> pray give to me.</p> +<p>I have not got a <em>single stick</em>,</p> +<p class="i2">Or <em>whacks</em> I’d give to thee.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page174" name="page174"></a>[pg +174]</span> +<h2>THE PICTORIAL HISTORY OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> +<p>In our last we briefly adverted to the gratifying fact that Mr. +Barry had at least a thousand superficial feet on the walls of the +new Houses of Parliament at the services of the historical painters +of England; and we also, in a passing manner, suggested a few +compositions worthy of their pencils. A reconsideration of the +matter convinces us that the subject is too important—too +national, to be adopted as merely the fringe of our article; and we +have therefore determined within ourselves to devote our present +essay to a serious discussion of the various pictures that are, or +<em>ought</em>, to decorate the interior of the new House of +Commons. As for the House of Lords, we see no necessity whatever +for lavishing the fine inspirations of art on that temple of +wisdom; inasmuch as the sages who deliberate there are, for the +most part, born legislators, coming into the world with all the +rudiments of government in embryo in their baby heads, and, on the +twenty-first anniversary of their birthday, putting their legs out +of bed adult, full-grown law-makers. It would be the height of +democratic insolence to attempt to teach these chosen few: it +would, in fact, be a misprision of treason against the sovereignty +of Nature, who, when making the <em>pia mater</em> of a future peer +of England, knows very well the delicate work she has in hand, and +takes pains accordingly. It is different when she manufactures a +mob of skulls which, by a jumble of worldly accidents, or by the +satire of Fortune in her bitterest mood, may ultimately belong to +Members of the House of Commons. These she makes, as they make +blocks in Portsmouth-yard, a hundred a minute. All she has to do is +to fulfil her contract with the world, taking care that there shall +be no want of the raw material for Members of Parliament, leaving +it to Destiny to work it up as she may. We have not the slightest +doubt, by-the-by, that poor Nature is often very much confounded by +the ultimate application of her own handiwork. We can fancy the +venerable old gossip at her business, patting up skulls as serenely +as our lamented great grandmother (she wrote a very pretty book on +the beauties of population, and illustrated the work, too, with +portraits from her own hand) was wont to pat up +apple-dumplings:—we can imagine Nature—good old +soul!—looking over her spectacles at the infant dough, and +saying to herself as she finishes skull by skull—“Ha! +that will do for a pawnbroker;”—“That, as +it’s rather low and narrow, for a sharp +attorney;”—“That for a parish +constable;”—“That for a clown at a +fair,”—and so on. And we can well imagine the +astonishment of simple-hearted old Nature on getting a ticket for +the gallery of the House of Commons (for very seldom, indeed, has +she been known to show herself on the floor), to see her skull of a +pawnbroker on the shoulders of a Chancellor of the Exchequer; her +<em>caput</em> of the sharp attorney belonging to a Minister of the +Home Department; her head of a parish constable as a Paymaster of +the Forces; and the dough she had intended to swallow knives and +eat fire at wakes and fairs gravely responded to as “an +honourable and gallant member!” Whereupon, who can wonder at +the amazement and indignation of Mother Nature, and that, with a +keen sense of the misapplication of her skulls, she sometimes +abuses Mother Fortune in good set terms, mingling with her +reproaches the strongest reflections on her chastity?</p> +<p>We have thought it due to the full consideration of our subject +so far, to dwell upon the natural difference between the skull of a +Peer and the skull of a Commoner. The skull of the noble, as we +have shown, is a thing made to order—fitted up, like Mr. +MECHI’S pocket-dressing-case, with the ornamental and useful: +no instrument can be added to it—the thing is complete. +Hence, to employ historical painters for the education of the House +of Lords would be a useless and profligate expenditure of art and +money. It would be to paint the lily LONDONDERRY—to add a +perfume to the violet ELLENBOROUGH. All Peers being from the +first—indeed, even <em>in utero</em>—ordained +law-makers, statute-making comes to them by nature. How much +history goes to prove this, showing that the House of +Lords—like the Solomons of the +<em>fleur-de-lis</em>—have learned nothing, and forgotten +nothing! To attempt to instruct a Peer would be as gross an +impertinence to the instinct of his order as to present +MINERVA—who no doubt came from the head of JOVE a Peeress in +her own right—with a toy alphabet or horn-book.</p> +<p>For the skulls of the House of Commons,—that is, indeed, +another question! We are so far utilitarian that we would have the +pictures for which Mr. BARRY offers a thousand feet selected solely +with a view to the dissemination of knowledge amongst the many +benighted members of the House of Commons. We would have the +subjects so chosen that they should entirely supersede +<em>Oldfield’s Representative History</em>; never forgetting +the wants of the most illiterate. For instance, for the politicians +on the fifth form, the SIBTHORPS and PLUMPTRES, whose education in +their youth has been shamefully neglected, we would have a nice +pictorial political alphabet. We do not pride ourselves, be it +understood, upon writing unwrinkled verse; we only present the +subjoined as a crude idea of our plan, taken we confess, from +certain variegated volumes, to be had either of Mr. SOUTER, St. +Paul’s Churchyard, or Messrs. DARTON and HARVEY, Holborn.</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>A was King ALFRED, a monarch of note;</p> +<p>B is BURDETT, who can well turn a coat.</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>Here we would have the chief incidents of Alfred’s life +nicely painted, with BURDETT, late Old Glory, and now Old +Corruption. As for the poetry, when we consider the capacities of +the learners, <em>that</em> cannot be too simple, too homely. The +House, however, may order a Committee of Versification, if it +please; all that we protest against is D’ISRAELI being of the +number.</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>C is the CORN-LAWS, that famish’d the poor;</p> +<p>D is the DEBT, that will famish them more.</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>Here, for the imaginative artist, is an opportunity! To paint +the wholesale wickedness and small villanies of the Corn-laws! What +a contrast of scene and character! Squalid hovels, and princely +residences—purse-proud, plethoric injustice, big and bloated +with, its iniquitous gains, and gaunt, famine-stricken multitudes! +Then for the Debt—that hideous thing begotten by war and +corruption; what a tremendous moral lesson might be learned from a +nightly conning of the terrific theme!</p> +<p>We have neither poetic genius nor space of paper to go through +the whole of the alphabet; we merely throw out the above four +lines—and were we not assured that they are better lines, far +more musical, than any to be found in BULWER’S SIAMESE TWINS, +we should blush much nearer scarlet than we do—to give an +idea of the utility and beautiful comprehensiveness of our +plan.</p> +<p>The great difficulty, however, will be to compress the +subjects—so multitudinous are they—within the thousand +feet allowed by the architect. To begin with the Wittenagemot, or +meeting of the wise men, and to end with portraits of Mr. +Roebuck’s ancestors—to say nothing of the fine +imaginative sketch of the Member for Bath tilting, in the mode of +Quixote with the steam-press of Printing-house-square—will +require the most extraordinary powers of condensation on the parts +of the artists. Nevertheless, if the undertaking be even creditably +executed, it will be a monument of national wisdom and national +utility to unborn generations of Members. What crowds of subjects +press upon us! The <em>History of Bribery</em> might make a sort of +Parliamentary Rake’s Progress, if we could but hit upon the +artist to portray its manifold beauties. <em>The Windsor +Stables</em> and <em>the Education of the Poor</em> would form +admirable companion-pictures, in which the superiority of the horse +over the human animal could be most satisfactorily +delineated—the quadruped having considerably more than three +times the amount voted to him for snug lodging, hay, beans, and +oats, that the English pauper obtained from Parliament for that +manure of the soil—as congregated piety at Exeter Hall +denominates it—a Christian education!</p> +<p>What a beautiful arabesque border might be conceived from a +perusal of the late Lord Castlereagh’s speeches! We should +here have Parliamentary eloquence under a most fantastic yet +captivating phase. Who, for instance, but the artist to PUNCH could +paint CASTLEREAGH’S figure of a smug, contented, selfish +traitor, the “crocodile with his hand in his breeches’ +pocket?” Again, does not the reader recollect that +extraordinary person who, according to the North Cray Demosthenes, +“turned his back <em>upon himself</em>?” There would be +a portrait!—one, too, presenting food for the most +“sweet and bitter melancholy” to the GRAHAMS and the +STANLEYS. There is also that immortal Parliamentary metaphor, +emanating from the same mysterious source,—“The +<em>feature</em> upon which the question <em>hinges</em>!” +The only man who could have properly painted this was the +enthusiastic BLAKE, who so successfully limned the ghost of a flea! +These matters, however, are to be considered as merely +supplementary ornaments to great themes. The grand subjects are to +be sought for in <em>Hansard’s Reports</em>, in petitions +against returns of members, in the evidence that comes out in the +committee-rooms, in the abstract principles of right and wrong, +that make members honest patriots, or that make them give the +harlot “ay” and “no,” as dictated by the +foul spirit gibbering in their breeches’ pockets.</p> +<p>That we may have painted all these things, Mr. BARRY offers up +one thousand feet. Oh! Mr. B. can’t you make it ten!</p> +<p class="rgt">Q.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page175" name="page175"></a>[pg +175]</span> +<p>PUNCH’s PENCILLINGS.—No. XV.</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/015-08.png"><img src= +"images/015-08.png" alt= +"A sad-looking man regards a portrait of a kingly-looking man." id= +"img015-08" name="img015-08" width="100%" /></a> +<p>REFLECTION.</p> +<p>“FAREWELL, A LONG FAREWELL, TO ALL MY +GREATNESS.”—<em>King Henry VIII</em>.</p> +</div> +<!-- [pg 176] --> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page177" name="page177"></a>[pg +177]</span> +<h2>THE PHYSIOLOGY OF THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT.</h2> +<h3>4.—OF THE MANNER IN WHICH THE FIRST SEASON PASSES.</h3> +<p>From the period of our last Chapter our friend commences to +adopt the attributes of the mature student. His notes are taken as +before at each lecture he attends, but the lectures are fewer, and +the notes are never fairly transcribed; at the same time they are +interspersed with a larger proportion of portraits of the lecturer, +and other humorous conceits. He proposes at lunch-time every day +that he and his companions should “go the odd man for a +pot;” and the determination he had formed at his entry to the +school, of working the last session for all the prizes, and going +up to the Hall on the Thursday and the College on the Friday +without grinding, appears somewhat difficult of being carried into +execution.</p> +<p>It is at this point of his studies that the student commences a +steady course of imaginary dissection: that is to say, he keeps a +chimerical account of extremities whose minute structure he has +deeply investigated (in his head), and received in return various +sums of money from home for the avowed purpose of paying for them. +If he really has put his name down for any heads and necks or +pelvic viscera at the commencement of the season, when he had +imbibed and cherished some lunatic idea “that dissection was +the sheet-anchor of safety at the College,” he becomes a +trafficker in human flesh, and disposes of them as quickly as he +can to any hard-working man who has his examination in +perspective.</p> +<p>He now assumes a more independent air, and even ventures to +chalk odd figures on the black board in the theatre. He has been +known, previously to the lecture, to let down the skeleton that +hangs by a balance weight from the ceiling, and, inserting its +thumb in the cavity of its nose, has there secured it with a piece +of thread, and then, placing a short pipe in its jaws, has pulled +it up again. His inventive faculties are likewise shown by various +diverting objects and allusions cut with his knife upon the ledge +before him in the lecture-room, whereon the new men rest their +note-books and the old ones go to sleep. In vain do the directors +of the school order the ledge to be coated with paint and sand +mixed together—nothing is proof against his knife; were it +adamant he would cut his name upon it. His favourite position at +lecture is now the extremity of the bench, where its horse-shoe +form places him rather out of the range of the lecturer’s +vision; and, ten to one, it is here that he has cut a +cribbage-board on the seat, at which he and his neighbour play +during the lecture on Surgery, concealing their game from common +eyes by spreading a mackintosh cape on the desk before them. His +conversation also gradually changes its tone, and instead of mildly +inquiring of the porter, on his entering the school of a morning, +what is for the day’s anatomical demonstration, he talks of +“the regular lark he had last night at the Eagle, and how +jolly screwed he got!”—a frank admission, which +bespeaks the candour of his disposition.</p> +<p>Careful statistics show us that it is about the end of November +the new man first makes the acquaintance of his uncle; and +observant people have remarked, as worthy of insertion in the +Medical Almanack amongst the usual phenomena of the +calendar—“About this time dissecting cases and +tooth-instruments appear in the windows, and we may look for +watches towards the beginning of December.” Although this is +his first transaction on his own account, yet his property has +before ascended the spout, when some unprincipled student, at the +beginning of the season, picked his pocket of a big silver +lancet-case, which he had brought up with him from the country; and +having, pledged it at the nearest money-lender’s, sent him +the duplicate in a polite note, and spent the money with some other +dishonest young men, in drinking their victim’s health in his +absence. And, by the way, it is a general rule that most new men +delight to carry big lancet-cases, although they have about as much +use for them as a lecturer upon practice of physic has for top +boots.</p> +<p>Thus gradually approaching step by step towards the perfection +of his state, the new man’s first winter-session passes; and +it is not unlikely that, at the close of the course, he may enter +to compete for the anatomical prize, which he sometimes gets by +stealth, cribbing his answers from a tiny manual of knowledge, two +inches by one-and-a-half in size, which he hides under his +blotting-paper. This triumph achieved, he devotes the short period +which intervenes before the commencement of the summer botanical +course to various hilarious pastimes; and as the watch and +dissecting-case are both gone, he writes the following despatch to +his governor—</p> +<h4>LETTER No. II.—(<em>Copy.</em>)</h4> +<p>MY DEAR FATHER,—You will, I am sure, be delighted to learn +that I have gained the twenty-ninth honorary certificate for +proficiency in anatomy which you will allow is a very high number +when I tell you that only thirty are given. I have also the +satisfaction of informing you that the various professors have +given me certificates of having attended their lectures <em>very +diligently</em> during the past courses.</p> +<p>I work very hard, but I need not inform you that, with all my +economy, I am at some expense for good books and instruments. I +have purchased <em>Liston’s Surgery</em>, Anthony +Thompson’s <em>Materia Medica</em>, Burns and +Merriman’s <em>Midwifery</em>, Graham’s +<em>Chemistry</em>, Astley Cooper’s <em>Dislocations</em>, +and Quain’s <em>Anatomy</em>, all of which I have read +carefully through twice. I also pay a private demonstrator to go +over the bones with me of a night; and I have bought a skeleton at +Alexander’s—a great bargain. This, when I +“pass,” I think of presenting to the museum of the +hospital, as I am under great obligations to the surgeons. I think +a ten-pound note willl clear my expenses, although I wish to enter +to a summer course of dissections, and take some lessons in +practical chemistry in the laboratories with Professor Carbon, but +these I will endeavour to pay for out of my own pocket. With my +best regards to all at home, believe me,</p> +<p class="rgt">Your affectionate son,<br /> +JOSEPH MUFF.</p> +<p>As soon as the summer course begins, the Botanical Lectures +commence with it, and the polite Company of Apothecaries +courteously request the student’s acceptance of a ticket of +admission to the lectures, at their garden at Chelsea. As these +commence somewhere about eight in the morning, of course he must +get up in the middle of the night to be there; and consequently he +attends very often, of course. But the botanical excursions that +take place every Saturday from his own school are his especial +delight. He buys a candle-box to contain all the chickweed, +chamomiles, and dandelions he may collect, and slinging it over his +shoulder with his pocket-handkerchief, he starts off in company +with the Professor and his fellow-herbalists to Wandsworth Common, +Battersea Fields, Hampstead Heath, or any other favourite spot +which the cockney Flora embellishes with her offspring.</p> +<p>The conduct of medical students on botanical excursions +generally appears in various phases. Some real lovers of the study, +pale men in spectacles, who wear shoes and can walk for ever, +collect every weed they drop upon, to which they assign a most +extraordinary name, and display it at their lodgings upon cartridge +paper, with penny pieces to keep the leaves in their places as they +dry. Others limit their collections to stinging-nettles, which they +slyly insert into their companions’ pockets, or long +bulrushes, which they tuck under the collars of their coats; and +the remainder turn into the first house of public entertainment +they arrive at on emerging from the smoke of London to the rural +districts, and remain all day absorbed in the mysteries of ground +billiards and knock-‘em-downs, their principal vegetable +studies being confined to lettuces, spring onions, and +water-cresses. But all this is very proper—we mean the +botanical part of the story—for the knowledge of the natural +class and order of a buttercup must be of the greatest service to a +practitioner in after-life in treating a case of typhus fever or +ruptured blood-vessel. At some of the Continental Hospitals, the +pupil’s time is wasted at the bedside of the patient, from +which he can only get practical information. How much better is the +primrose-investigating <em>curriculum</em> of study observed at our +own medical schools!</p> +<hr /> +<h3>SOME THINGS TO WHICH THE IRISH WOULD NOT SWEAR.</h3> +<p>MR. GROVE.—This insufferably ignorant, and, therefore, +insolent magisterial cur, who has recently made himself an object +of unenviable notoriety, by asserting that “the Irish would +swear anything,” has shown himself to be as stupid as he is +malignant. Would, for instance, the most hard-mouthed Irishman in +existence venture to swear that—</p> +<ul> +<li>Mr. Grove is a gentleman; or that—</li> +<li>Sir Francis Burdett has brought honour to his grey hairs; or +that—</li> +<li>Colonel Sibthorp has more brains than beard; or +that—</li> +<li>Sir Robert Peel feels for anybody but himself; or +that—</li> +<li>Peter Borthwick was listened to with attention; or +that—</li> +<li>Sir Peter Laurie’s wisdom cannot be estimated; or +that—</li> +<li>Sir Edward George Erle Lytton Bulwer thinks very small beer of +himself; or that—</li> +<li>The Earl of Coventry carries a vast deal of sense under his +hat; or that—</li> +<li>Mr. Roebuck is the pet of the <em>Times</em>; or, in short, +that—</li> +<li>The Tories are the best and most popular governors that England +ever had.</li> +</ul> +<p>If “the Irish would swear” to the above, we confess +they “would swear anything.”</p> +<hr /> +<h3>COMING EVENTS CAST THEIR SHADOWS BEFORE THEM.</h3> +<p>SIR JAMES CLARK is in daily attendance at the Palace. We suppose +that he is looking out for a new berth under Government.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page178" name="page178"></a>[pg +178]</span> +<h2>HOSTILITIES IN PRIVATE LIFE.</h2> +<p>We have just heard of an event which has shaken the peace of a +highly respectable house in St. Martin’s Court, from the +chimney-pots to the coal-cellar. Mrs. Brown, the occupier of the +first floor, happened, on last Sunday, to borrow of Mrs. Smith, who +lived a pair higher in the world, a German silver teapot, on the +occasion of her giving a small twankey party to a few select +friends. But though she availed herself of Mrs. Smith’s +German-silver, to add respectability to her <em>soirée</em>, +she wholly overlooked Mrs. Smith, who was <em>not</em> invited to +partake of the festivities. This was a slight that no woman of +spirit could endure; and though Mrs. Smith’s teapot was +German-silver, she resolved to let Mrs. Brown see that she had +herself some real Britannia <em>mettle</em> in her composition. +Accordingly when the teapot was sent up the following morning to +Mrs. Smith’s apartments, with Mrs. Brown’s +“compliments and thanks,” Mrs. Smith discovered or +affected to discover, a serious contusion on the lid of the +article, and despatched it by her own servant back to Mrs. Brown, +accompanied by the subjoined note:—</p> +<blockquote> +<p>“Mrs. Smith’s compliments to Mrs. Brown, begs to +return the teapott to the latter—in consequence of the +ill-usage it has received in her hands.”</p> +</blockquote> +<p>Mrs. Brown, being a woman who piques herself upon her talent at +epistolary writing, immediately replied in the following +terms:—</p> +<blockquote> +<p>“Mrs. Brown’s compliments to Mrs. Smith, begs to say +that her paltry teapot received no ill usage from Mrs. +Brown.—Mrs. B. will thank Mrs. S. not to put two +<em>t</em>’s at the end of <em>teapot</em> in +future.”</p> +</blockquote> +<p>This note and the teapot were forthwith sent upstairs to Mrs. +Smith, whose indignation being very naturally roused, she again +returned the battered affair, with this spirited +missive:—</p> +<blockquote> +<p>“Mrs. Smith begs to inform Mrs. Brown, that she despises +her insinuations, and to say, that she will put as many +<em>t</em>’s as she pleases in her <em>teapot</em>.</p> +<p>“P.S.—Mrs. S. expects to be paid 10<em>s</em>. for +the injured article.”</p> +</blockquote> +<p>Again the teapot was sent upstairs, with the following reply +from Mrs. Brown:—</p> +<blockquote> +<p>“Mrs. Brown thinks Mrs. Smith a low creature.</p> +<p>“P.S.—Mrs. B. won’t pay a farthing.”</p> +</blockquote> +<p>The correspondence terminated here, the German-silver teapot +remaining in <em>statu quo</em> on the lobby window, between the +territories of the hostile powers; and there it might have remained +until the present moment, if Mrs. Brown had not declared, in an +audible voice, at the foot of the stairs, that Mrs. Smith was +acting under the influence of gin, which reaching the ears of the +calumniated lady, she rushed down to the landing-place, and seizing +the teapot, discharged it at Mrs. Brown’s head, which it +fortunately missed, but totally annihilated a plaster figure of +Napoleon, which stood in the hall, and materially damaged its own +spout. Mrs. Brown, being wholly unsupported at the time, retired +hastily within the defences of her own apartments, which Mrs. Smith +cannonaded vigorously for upwards of ten minutes with a broom +handle; and there is every reason to believe she would shortly have +effected a practicable breach, if a reinforcement from the kitchen +had not arrived to aid the besieged, and forced the assailant back +to her second-floor entrenchments. Mrs. Smith then demanded a truce +until evening, which was granted by Mrs. Brown; notwithstanding +which the former lady was detected, in defiance of this +arrangement, endeavouring to <em>blow up</em> Mrs. Brown through +the keyhole.</p> +<p>There is no telling how this unhappy difference will terminate; +for though at present matters appear tolerably quiet, we know not +(as in the case of the Canadas) at what moment we may have to +inform our readers that</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/015-09.png"><img src= +"images/015-09.png" alt="A grumpy woman sits near a smoky candle." +id="img015-09" name="img015-09" width="50%" /></a> +<p>THE BORDERS ARE IN A FLAME.</p> +</div> +<hr class="full" /> +<h2>GEOLOGY OF SOCIETY.</h2> +<h3>SECTION II.</h3> +<p>We last week described the different strata of society +comprehended in the INFERIOR SERIES, and the lower portion of the +<em>Clapham Group</em>. We now beg to call the attention of our +readers to a most important division in the next great +formation—which has been termed the TRANSITION +CLASS—because the individuals composing it are in a gradual +state of elevation, and have a tendency to mix with the superior +strata. By referring to the scale which we gave in our first +section, it will be seen that the lowest layer in this class is +formed by the people who keep shops and one-horse +“shays,” and go to Ramsgate for three weeks in the +dog-days. They all exhibit evidences of having been thrown up from +a low to a high level. The elevating causes are numerous, but the +most remarkable are those which arise from the action of unexpected +legacies. Lotteries were formerly the cause of remarkable +elevations; and speculation in the funds may be still considered as +amongst the elevating causes, though their effect is frequently to +cause a sudden sinking. Lying immediately above the “shop and +shay” people, we find the old substantial merchant, who every +day precisely as the clock strikes ten is in the act of hanging up +his hat in his little back counting-house in Fenchurch-street. His +private house, however, is at Brixton-hill, where the gentility of +the family is supported by his wife, two daughters, a piano, and a +servant in livery. The best and finest specimens of this strata are +susceptible of a slight polish; they are found very useful in the +construction of joint stock banks, railroads, and other +speculations where a good foundation is required. We now come to +the <em>Russell-square group</em>, which comprehends all those +people who “live private,” and aim at being thought +fashionable and independent. Many individuals of this group are +nevertheless supposed by many to be privately connected with some +trading concern in the City. It is a distinguishing characteristic +of the second layer in this group to have a tendency to give +dinners to the superior series, while the specimens of the upper +stratum are always found in close proximity to a carriage. Family +descent, which is a marked peculiarity of the SUPERIOR CLASS, is +rarely to be met with in the <em>Russell-square group</em>. The +fossil animals which exist in this group are not numerous: they are +for the most part decayed barristers and superannuated doctors. Of +the ST. JAMES’S SERIES it is sufficient to say that it +consists of four strata, of which the superior specimens are +usually found attached to coronets. Most of the precious stones, as +diamonds, rubies, emeralds, are also to be found in this layer. The +materials of which it is composed are various, and appear +originally to have belonged to the inferior classes; and the only +use to which it can be applied is in the construction of +<em>peers</em>. Throughout all the classes there occur what are +called <em>veins</em>, containing diverse substances. The +<em>larking vein</em> is extremely abundant in the superior +classes—it is rich in brass knockers, bell handles, and +policemen’s rattles; this vein descends through all the lower +strata, the specimens in each differing according to the situation +in which they are found; the middle classes being generally +discovered deposited in the Coal-hole Tavern or the Cider-cellars, +while the individuals of the very inferior order are usually +discovered in gin-shops and low pot-houses, and not +unfrequently</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/015-10.png"><img src= +"images/015-10.png" alt= +"A drunk lays on the floor surrounded by pitchers and pours the contents of one on his head." +id="img015-10" name="img015-10" width="50%" /></a> +<p>EMBEDDED IN QUARTS(Z).</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>THE WAPPING DELUGE.</h3> +<p>Father Thames, not content with his customary course, has been +“swelling it” in the course of the week, through some +of the streets of the metropolis. As if to inculcate temperance, he +walked himself down into public-house cellars, filling all the +empty casks with water, and adulterating all the beer and spirits +that came in his way; turning also every body’s fixed into +floating capital. Half empty butts, whose place was below, came +sailing up into the bar through the ceiling of the cellar; +saucepans were elevated from beneath the dresser to the dresser +itself; while cups were made “to pop off the hooks” +with surprising rapidity.</p> +<p>But the greatest consternation that prevailed was among the +<em>rats</em>, particularly those in the neighbourhood of +Downing-street, who were driven out of the sewers they inhabit with +astounding violence.</p> +<p>The dairies on the banks of the Thames were obliged to lay aside +their customary practice of inundating the milk; for such a +“meeting of the waters” as would otherwise have ensued +must have proved rather too much, even for the regular +customers.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>SAVORY CON. BY COX.</h3> +<p>Why is it impossible for a watch that indicates the smaller +divisions of time ever to be new?—Because it must always be a +second-hand one.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page179" name="page179"></a>[pg +179]</span> +<h2>PUNCH’S INFORMATION FOR THE PEOPLE.—No. V.</h2> +<h3>NATURAL HISTORY (<em>Continued</em>).</h3> +<h4>THE OPERA-DANCER (<em>H. capernicus</em>—CERITOE).</h4> +<p>So decidedly does this animal belong to the Bimana order of +beings, that to his two legs he is indebted for existence. Most of +his fellow bipeds live by the work of their hands, except indeed +the feathered and tailor tribes, who live by their bills; but from +his thighs, calves, ancles, and toes, does the opera-dancer derive +subsistence for the less important portions of his anatomy.</p> +<p><em>Physiology.</em>—The body, face, and arms of the +opera-dancer present no peculiarities above the rest of his +species; and it is to his lower extremities alone that we must look +for distinguishing features. As our researches extend downwards +from head to foot, the first thing that strikes us is a +protuberance of the ante-occipital membranes, so great as to +present a back view that describes two sides of a scalene triangle, +the apex of which projects posteriorly nearly half way down the +figure. That a due equilibrium may be preserved in this difficult +position (technically called “the first”), the toes are +turned out so as to form a right angle with the lower leg. Thus, in +walking, this curious being presents a mass of animated straight +lines that have an equal variety of inclination to a bundle of rods +carelessly tied up, or to Signor Paganini when afflicted with the +lumbago.</p> +<p><em>Habits.</em>—The habits of the opera-dancer vary +according as we see him in public or in private life. On the stage +he is all spangles and activity; off the stage, seediness and +decrepitude are his chief characteristics. It is usual for him to +enter upon his public career with a tremendous bound and a hat and +feathers. After standing upon one toe, he raises its fellow up to a +line with his nose, and turns round until the applause comes, even +if that be delayed for several minutes. He then cuts six, and +shuffles up to a female of his species, who being his sweetheart +(in the ballet), has been looking savage envy at him and spiteful +indignation at the audience on account of the applause, which ought +to have been reserved for her own capering—to come. When it +does, she throws up her arms and steps upon tiptoe about three +paces, looking exactly like a crane with a sore heel. Making her +legs into a pair of compasses, she describes a circle in the air +with one great toe upon a pivot formed with the other; then bending +down so that her very short petticoat makes a “cheese” +upon the ground, spreads out both arms to the <em>roués</em> +in the stalls, who understand the signal, and cry “<em>Brava! +brava!!</em>” Rising, she turns her back to display her gauze +<em>jupe élastique</em>, which is always exceedingly +<em>bouffante</em>: expectorating upon the stage as she retires. +She thus makes way for her lover, who, being her professional +rival, she invariably detests.</p> +<p>It is singular that in private life the habits of the animal +differ most materially according to its sex. The male sometimes +keeps an academy and a kit fiddle, but the domestic relations of +the female remain a profound mystery; and although Professors Tom +Duncombe, Count D’Orsay, Chesterfield, and several other +eminent Italian-operatic natural historians, have spent immense +fortunes in an ardent pursuit of knowledge in this branch of +science, they have as yet afforded the world but a small modicum of +information. Perhaps what they <em>have</em> learned is not of a +nature to be made public.</p> +<p><em>Moral Characteristics.</em>—None.</p> +<p><em>Reproduction.</em>—The offspring of opera-dancers are +not, as is sometimes supposed, born with wings; the truth is that +these cherubim are frequently attached by their backs to copper +wires, and made to represent flying angels in fairy dramas; and +those appendages, so far from being natural, are supplied by the +property-man, together with the wreaths of artificial flowers which +each Liliputian divinity upholds.</p> +<p><em>Sustenance.</em>—All opera-dancers are decidedly +omnivorous. Their appetite is immense; quantity and (for most of +them come from France), not quality, is what they chiefly desire. +When not dining at their own expense, they eat all they can, and +pocket the rest. Indeed, a celebrated sylphide—unsurpassed +for the graceful airiness of her evolutions—has been known to +make the sunflower in the last scene bend with the additional +weight of a roast pig, an apple pie, and sixteen <em>omelettes +soufflées</em>—drink, including porter, in proportion. +Various philosophers have endeavoured to account for this +extraordinary digestive capacity; but some of their arguments are +unworthy of the science they otherwise adorn. For example, it has +been said that the great exertions to which the dancer is subject +demand a corresponding amount of nutriment, and that the copious +transudation superinduced thereby requires proportionate supplies +of suction; while, in point of fact, if such theorists had studied +their subject a little closer, they would have found these +unbounded appetites accounted for upon the most simple and +conclusive ground: it is clear that, as most opera-dancers’ +lives are passed in a <em>pirouette</em>, they must naturally have +enormous twists!</p> +<p><em>The geographical distribution of opera-dancers</em> is +extremely well defined, as their names implies; for they most do +congregate wherever an opera-house exists. Some, however, descend +to the non-lyric drama, and condescend to “illustrate” +the plays of Shakespeare. It is said that the classical manager of +Drury Lane Theatre has secured a company of them to help the +singers he has engaged to perform Richard the Third, Coriolanus, +and other historical plays.</p> +<hr /> +<p>Why has a clock always a bashful appearance?—Because it +always keeps its hands before its face.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>KIDNAPPING EXTRAORDINARY.</h3> +<p>The <em>Chronicle</em> has been making a desperate attempt to +come out in Punch’s line; he has absolutely been trying the +“Too-too-tooit—tooit;” but has made a most +melancholy failure of it. We could forgive him his efforts to be +facetious (though we doubt that his readers will) if he had not +kidnapped three of our own particular pets—the very men who +lived and grew in the world’s estimation on our wits; we mean +Peter Borthwick, Ben D’Israeli, and our own immortal +Sibthorp. Of poor Sib. the joker of the <em>Chronicle</em> says in +last Tuesday’s paper—</p> +<p>“We regret to hear that Col. Sibthorp has suffered +severely by cutting himself in the act of shaving. His friends, +however, will rejoice to learn that his whiskers have escaped, and +that he himself is going on favourably.”</p> +<p>We spent an entire night in endeavouring to discover where the +wit lay in this <em>cutting</em> paragraph; but were obliged at +last to give it up, convinced that we might as well have made</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/015-11.png"><img src= +"images/015-11.png" alt="A tailor measures a very tall man." id= +"img015-11" name="img015-11" width="50%" /></a> +<p>AN ATTEMPT TO DISCOVER THE LONGITUDE.</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>SONGS OF THE SEEDY.—No. V.</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>What am I? Mary, wherefore seek to know?</p> +<p class="i2">For mystery’s the very soul of love.</p> +<p>Enough, that wedding thee I’m not below,</p> +<p class="i2">Enough, that wooing thee I’m not above.</p> +<p>You smile, dear girl, and look into my face</p> +<p class="i2">As if you’d read my history in my eye.</p> +<p>I’m not, sweet maid, a footman out of place,</p> +<p class="i2">For that position would, I own, be shy.</p> +<p>What am I then, you ask? Alas! ’tis clear,</p> +<p>You love not me, but what I have a year.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>What am I, Mary! Well, then, must I tell,</p> +<p class="i2">And all my stern realities reveal?</p> +<p>Come close then to me, dearest, listen well,</p> +<p class="i2">While what I am no longer I conceal.</p> +<p>I serve my fellow-men, a glorious right;</p> +<p class="i2">Thanks for that smile, dear maid, I know ’tis +due.</p> +<p>Yes, many have I served by day and night;</p> +<p class="i2">With me to aid them, none need vainly sue.</p> +<p>Nay, do not praise me, love, but nearer come,</p> +<p>That I may whisper, I’m a <em>bailiff’s +bum</em>.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Why start thus from me? am I then a thing</p> +<p class="i2">To be despised and cast aside by thee?</p> +<p>Oh! while to every one I fondly cling</p> +<p class="i2">And follow all, will no one follow me?</p> +<p>Oh! if it comes to this, dear girl, no more</p> +<p class="i2">Shalt thou have cause upon my suit to frown;</p> +<p>I’ll serve no writs again; from me secure,</p> +<p class="i2">John Doe may run at leisure up and down,</p> +<p>Come to my arms, but do not weep the less,</p> +<p>Thou art the last I’ll e’er take in distress.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>A PAIR OF DUCKS.</h3> +<p>“Pray, Sir Peter,” said a brother Alderman to the +City Laurie-ate the other day, while discussing the merits of +Galloway’s plan for a viaduct from Holborn-hill to +Skinner-street, “Pray, Sir Peter, can you inform me what is +the difference between a viaduct and an aqueduct?” +“Certainly,” replied our “City +Correspondent,” with amazing condescension; “a +<em>via-duck</em> is a land-duck, and an <em>aqua-duck</em> is a +water-duck!” The querist confessed he had no idea before of +the immensity of Sir Peter’s scientific knowledge.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page180" name="page180"></a>[pg +180]</span> +<h2>PUNCH’S THEATRE.</h2> +<h3>MARGARET MAYFIELD; OR, THE MURDER OF THE LONE FARM-HOUSE.</h3> +<div class="dropcap"><a href="images/015-12.png"><img src= +"images/015-12.png" alt= +"A couple next to a flowery tree form a letter P." id="img015-12" +name="img015-12" width="100%" /></a></div> +<p><span class="hide">P</span>rodigious! The minor drama has +exhausted its stock of major crimes: parricide is out of date; +infanticide has become from constant occurrence decidedly low; +homicide grows tame and uninteresting; and fratricide is a mere +bagatelle, not worthy of attention. The dramatist must therefore +awaken new sympathies by contriving new crimes—he must +invent. In this the Sadler’s Wells genius has been fortunate. +He has brought forward a novelty in assassination, which is +harrowing in the extreme: it may be called +<em>Farm-house-icide</em>! Just conceive the pitch of intense +sympathy it is possible for one to feel, while beholding “the +<em>murder</em> of a lone farm-house!” Arson is nothing to +it.</p> +<p>Out of this novel domiciliary catastrophe the author of +“Margaret Mayfield” has formed a melodrama, which in +every other respect is founded, like a chancellor’s decree, +upon precedent; it being a good old-fashioned, cut-throat piece, of +the leather-breeches-and-gaiter, plough-and-pitchfork school. A +country-inn parlour of course commences the story, where certain +characters assemble, who reveal enough of themselves and of the +characters assumed by their fellows (at that time amusing +themselves in the green-room), to let any person the least +acquainted with the literature of melodrama into the secret of the +entire plot. There is the villain, who is as usual in love with the +heroine, and in league with three ill-looking fellows sitting at a +separate table. There too is the old-established farmer, who has +about him a considerable sum of money—a fact he mentions for +the information of his pot-companions, on purpose to be robbed of +it. The low comedian as usual disports himself upon a three-legged +stool, dressed in the never-to-be-worn-out short +<em>non</em>-continuations, skirtless coat, and +“eccentric” tile.</p> +<p>A scene or two afterwards, and we are surprised to find that the +farmer is safely housed, and that he has not been robbed upon a +bleak moor on a dark stage. But we soon feel a sensation of awe, +when we learn that before us is the interior of the very farm-house +that is going to be murdered. The farmer and his wife go through +the long-standing dialogue of stage-stereotype, about love and +virtue, the price of turnips, and their only child; and the husband +goes to some fair with a friend, who had just been rejected by his +sister-in-law in favour of the villain. The coast being left clear, +the villain and his accomplices enter, and we know something +dreadful is going to happen, for the farmer’s wife is gone +out of the way on purpose not to interrupt. The villain draws a +knife and drags his sweetheart into an out-house, and then the wife +comes on to describe what is passing; for the audiences of +Sadler’s Wells would tear up the benches if they dared to +murder out of sight, without being told what is going on. +Accordingly, we hear a scream, and the sister of the screamer +exclaims,—“Ah, horror! He draws the knife across her +throat! (Great applause.) But no; she takes up a broken ploughshare +and escapes! (A slight tendency to hiss.) Now he seizes her hair, +he throws her down. Ah! see how the blood streams from +her——.” (Intense delight as the woman falls flat +upon the boards, supposed to be overcome with dread.) A bloody +knife, of course, next enters, grasped by the villain; who, as +usual, remarks he is sorry for what has happened, but it +can’t be helped, and must be made the best of. The woman +having suddenly recovered, escapes into an additional private box, +or trunk, placed on the stage for that purpose; stating that she +will see what is going on from between the cracks. The villain then +murders the child, and walks off with his hands in his pocket; +leaving, as is always the case, the fatal knife in a most +conspicuous part of the stage, which for some seconds it has all to +itself. The farmer comes in, takes up the knife, and falls down in +a fit, just in time for the constables to come in and to take him +up for the murder. The wife jumps out of the box, and by her +assistance a tableau is formed for the act-drop to fall to.</p> +<p>Our readers, of course, guess the rest. The farmer is condemned +to be hanged; and in the last scene he is one of the never-omitted +procession to the gallows. At the cue, “Now then, I am ready +to meet my fate like a man,” the screech in that case always +made and provided is heard at a distance. “Hold! hold! he is +innocent!” are the next words; and enter the wife with a pair +of pistols, and a witness. The executioner pardons the condemned on +his own responsibility; and the villain comes on, on purpose to be +shot, which is done by the farmer, who seems determined not to be +accused of murder for nothing.</p> +<p>To these charming series of murders we may add that of the +Queen’s English, which was shockingly maltreated, without the +least remorse or mitigation.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>THE TWO LAST IMPORTANT SITTINGS.</h3> +<p>Mr. Ross has had the last sitting of the Princess Royal for her +portrait, and the Tories the last sitting of Mr. Walter for +Nottingham.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>SIBTHORPIAN PROBLEMS.</h3> +<p>Colonel Sibthorp presents his compliments to his dear friend and +fellow, PUNCH, and seeing in the <em>Times</em> of Wednesday last a +long account of the extraordinary arithmetical powers of a new +calculating machine, invented by Mr. Wertheimber, he is desirous of +asking the inventor, through the ubiquitous pages of PUNCH, whether +his, Mr. W.’s apparatus—which, as his friend George +Robins would say, is a lot which seems to be worthy only of the +great Bidder—(he thinks he had him there)—whether this +automatical American, or steam calculator, could solve for him the +following queries:—</p> +<p>If the House of Commons be divided by Colonel Sibthorp on the +Corn Laws, how much will it add to his credit?</p> +<p>How many times will a joke of Colonel Sibthorp’s go into +the London newspapers?</p> +<p>Extract the root of Mr. Roebuck’s family tree, and say +whether it would come out in anything but vulgar fractions.</p> +<p>Required the difference between political and imperial measures, +and state whether the former belong to dry or superficial.</p> +<p>If thirty-six be six square, what is St. +James’s-square?—and if the first circles be resident +there, say whether this may not be considered as an approximation +to the quadrature of the circle.</p> +<p>State the <em>contents</em> of the House of Commons upon the +next motion of Sir Robert Peel, and whether the malcontents will be +greater or less.</p> +<p>Required the capacities in feet between a biped, a quadruped, +and a centipede, and say whether the foot of Mr. Joseph Hume, being +just as broad as it is long, may not be considered as a square +foot.</p> +<p>Express, in harmonious numbers, the proportion between the rhyme +and the reason of Mr. Benjamin D’Israeli’s +revolutionary epic, and say whether this is not a question of +<em>inverse</em> ratio.</p> +<p>Whether, in political progression, the two extremes, Duke of +Newcastle and Feargus O’Connor, are equal to the mean Joseph +Hume.</p> +<p>Is it possible to multiply the difficulties of the Whigs, and, +if so, am I the figure for the part?</p> +<p>What is the difference between the squares of Messrs. Tom Spring +and John Gully, and whether the one is the fourth, fifth, or what +power of the other?</p> +<hr /> +<h3>A SLAP AT JOHN CHINAMAN’S CHOPS.</h3> +<p>Peter Borthwick lately arrived at the highest possible pressure +of indignation, while reading some of the insolent fulminations +from the Celestial Empire. But Peter was sorely at a loss to +account for their singular names: he was instantly enlightened by +the Finsbury interpreter, our Tom Duncombe, who rendered the matter +clear by asserting it was because the Emperor was very partial to +a</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/015-13.png"><img src= +"images/015-13.png" alt= +"A Chinese soldier looks at another, surprised Chinese man looking at a paper." +id="img015-13" name="img015-13" width="50%" /></a> +<p>CHOP WITH CHINESE SAUCE.</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>HUME LEEDS—WAKLEY FOLLOWS.</h3> +<p>Joe Hume has written over to Wakley (postage unpaid) begging of +him to take warning by his beating at Leeds; as he much fears, +should Mr. Wakley continue his present line of conduct, when he +next presents himself to his Finsbury constituents there is great +probability of</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/015-14.png"><img src= +"images/015-14.png" alt= +"A wagon followed by slaves and men wielding whips." id="img015-14" +name="img015-14" width="50%" /></a> +<p>FOLLOWING IN THE BEATEN TRACK.</p> +</div> +<hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +1, October 23, 1841, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14933-h.htm or 14933-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/9/3/14933/ + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG +Online Distributed Proofreading + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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