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diff --git a/14931.txt b/14931.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f9b1216 --- /dev/null +++ b/14931.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2220 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, +October 9, 1841, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, October 9, 1841 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14931] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 1. + + + +FOR THE WEEK ENDING OCTOBER 9, 1841. + + * * * * * + + +A MANUAL OF DENOUEMENTS. + + "In the king's name, + Let fall your swords and daggers."--CRITIC. + +[Illustration: A]A melo-drama is a theatrical dose in two or three acts, +according to the strength of the constitution of the audience. Its +component parts are a villain, a lover, a heroine, a comic character, and +an executioner. These having simmered and macerated through all manner of +events, are strained off together into the last scene; and the +effervescence which then ensues is called the _denouement_, and the +_denouement_ is the soul of the drama. + +_Denouements_ are of three kinds:--The natural, the unnatural, and the +supernatural. + +The "natural" is achieved when no probabilities are violated;--that is, +when the circumstances are such as really might occur--if we could only +bring ourselves to think so--as, (_ex. gr._) + +When the villain, being especially desirous to preserve and secrete +certain documents of vital importance to himself and to the piece, does, +most unaccountably, mislay them in the most conspicuous part of the stage, +and straightway they are found by the very last member of the _dram. +pers._ in whose hands he would like to see them. + +When the villain and his accomplice, congratulating each other on the +successful issue of their crimes, and dividing the spoil thereof (which +they are always careful to do in a loud voice, and in a room full of +closets), are suddenly set upon and secured by the innocent yet suspected +and condemned parties, who are at that moment passing on their way to +execution. + +When the guiltless prisoner at the bar, being asked for his defence, and +having no witnesses to call, produces a checked handkerchief, and +subpoenas his own conscience, which has such an effect on the villain, +that he swoons, and sees demons in the jury-box, and tells them that "he +is ready," and that "he comes," &c. &c. + +When the deserter, being just about to be shot, is miraculously saved by +his mistress, who cuts the matter very fine indeed, by rushing in between +"present" and "fire;" and, having ejaculated "a reprieve!" with all her +might, falls down, overcome by fatigue--poor dear! as well she may--having +run twenty-three miles in the changing of a scene, and carried her baby on +her arm all the blessed way, in order to hold him up in the tableau at the +end. + +N.B.--Whenever married people rescue one another as above, the +"_denouement_" belongs to the class "unnatural;" which is used when the +author wishes to show the intensity of his invention--as, (_ex. gr._ +again) + +When an old man, having been wounded fatally by a young man, requests, as +a boon, to be permitted to examine the young man's neck, who, accordingly +unloosing his cravat, displays a hieroglyphic neatly engraved thereon, +which the old man interprets into his being a parricide, and then dies, +leaving the young man in a state of histrionic stupor. + +When a will is found embellished with a Daguerreotype of four fingers and +a thumb, done in blood on the cover, and it turns out that the residuary +legatee is no better than he should be--but, on the contrary, a murderer +nicely ripe for killing. + +The "supernatural" _denouement_ is the last resource of a bewildered +dramatist, and introduces either an individual in green scales and wings +to match, who gives the audience to understand that he is a fiend, and +that he has private business to transact below with the villain; who, +accordingly, withdraws in his company, with many throes and groans, down +the trap. + +Or a pale ghost in dingy lawn, apparently afflicted with a serious +haemorrhage in the bosom, who appears to a great many people, running, in +dreams; and at last joins the hands of the young couple, and puts in a +little plea of her own for a private burial. + +And there are many other variations of the three great classes of +_denouements_; such as the helter-skelter +nine-times-round-the-stage-combat, and the grand _melee_ in which +everybody kills everybody else, and leaves the piece to be carried on by +their executors; but we dare unveil the mystery no further. + + * * * * * + + +SPORTING FACE. + +"Well," said Roebuck to O'Connell, "despite Peel's double-face +propensities, he is a great genius." "A great _Janus_ indeed," answered +the _liberathor_. + + * * * * * + + +"A RING! A RING!!" + +The political pugilistic scrimmage which recently took place in the House +of Congress so completely coincides with the views and propensities of the +"universal scrimmage" member for Bath, that he intends making a motion for +the erection of a twenty-four-foot-ring on the floor of the House, for the +benefit of opposition members. The Speaker, says Roebuck, will, in that +case, be enabled to ascertain whether the "noes" or "ayes" have it, +without tellers. + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH'S GUIDE TO THE WATERING PLACES.--No. 1. + +BRIGHTON + +If you are either in a great hurry, or tired of life, book yourself by the +Brighton railroad, and you are ensured one of two things--arrival in two +hours, or destruction by that rapid process known in America as "immortal +smash," which brings you to the end of your journey before you get to the +terminus. Should you fortunately meet with the former result, and finish +your trip without ending your mortal career, you find the place beset with +cads and omnibuses, which are very convenient; for if your hotel or +boarding-house be at the extremity of the town, you would have to walk at +least half a mile but for such vehicles, and they only charge sixpence, +with the additional advantage of the great chance of your luggage being +lost. If you be a married man, you will go to an hotel where you can get a +bed for half-a-guinea a night, provided you do not want it warmed, and use +your own soap; but it is five shillings extra if you do. Should you be a +bachelor, or an old maid, you, of course, put up at a boarding-house, +where you see a great deal of good society at two guineas a week; for +every third man is a captain, and every fifth woman "my lady." There, too, +you observe a continual round of courtship going on; for it comes in with +the coffee, and continues during every meal. "Marriages," it is said, "are +made in heaven"--good matches are always got up at meal-times in Brighton +boarding-houses. + +Brighton is decidedly a fishing-town, for besides the quantity of John +Dorys caught there, it is a celebrated place for pursey half-pay officers +to angle in for rich widows. The bait they generally use consists of dyed +whiskers, and a distant relationship to some of the "gentles" or nobles of +the land. The town itself is built upon _the downs_--a series of hills, +which those in the habit of walking over them are apt to call "ups and +downs." It consists entirely of hotels, boarding-houses, and +bathing-machines, with a pavilion and a chain-pier. The amusements are +various, and of a highly intellectual character: the chief of them being a +walk from the esplanade to the east cliff, and a promenade back again from +the east cliff to the esplanade. Donkey-races are in full vogue, insomuch +that the highways are thronged with interesting animals, decorated with +serge-trappings and safety-saddles, and interspersed with goat-carts and +hired flys. There is a library, where the visiters do everything but read; +and a theatre, where--as Charles Kean is now playing there--they do +anything but act. The ladies seem to take great delight in the sea-bath, +and that they may enjoy the luxury in the most secluded privacy, the +machines are placed as near to the pier as possible. This is always +crowded with men, who, by the aid of opera glasses, find it a pleasing +pastime to watch the movements of the delicate Naiads who crowd the +waters. + +Those to whom Brighton is recommended for change of air and of scene get +sadly taken in, for here the air--like that of a barrel-organ--never +changes, as the wind is always high. In sunshine, Brighton always looks +hot; in moonshine, eternally dreary; the men are yawning all day long, and +the women sitting smirking in bay-windows, or walking with puppy-dogs and +parasols, which last they are continually opening and shutting. In short, +when a man is sick of the world, or a maiden of forty-five has been so +often crossed in love as to be obliged to leave off hoping against hope, +Brighton is an excellent place to prepare him or her for a final +retirement from life--whether that is contemplated in the Queen's Bench, a +convent, a residence among the Welsh mountains, or the monastery of La +Trappe, a month's probation in Brighton, at the height of the season, +being well calculated to make any such change not only endurable, but +agreeable. + + * * * * * + + +CUSTOM-HOUSE SALE. LOT 1.--A PORT. + + For sale, Thorwaldsen's Byron, rich in beauty, + Because his country owes, and will not pay, "duty." + + * * * * * + + +THE HEIR OF APPLEBITE. + +CHAPTER VI. + +TREATS OF CHALK-AND-QUA-DRILL-OGY. + +[Illustration: E]Entirely disgusted with his unsuccessful appeal to the +enlightened British public assembled in the front of his residence, and +which had produced effects so contrary to what he had conceived would be +the result, Agamemnon called a committee of his household, to determine on +the most advisable proceedings to be adopted for remedying the evils +resulting from the unexpected pyrotechnic display of the morning. The +carpet was spoiled--the house was impregnated with the sooty effluvia, and +the company was expected to arrive at nine o'clock. What was to be done? +Betty suggested the burning of brown paper and scrubbing the carpet; John, +assafoetida and sawdust; Mrs. Waddledot, pastilles and chalking the floor. +As the latter remedies seemed most compatible with the gentility of their +expected visiters, immediate measures were taken for carrying them into +effect. A dozen cheese-plates were disposed upon the stairs, each +furnished with little pyramids of fragrance; old John, who was troubled +with an asthma, was deputed to superintend them, and nearly coughed +himself into a fit of apoplexy in the strenuous discharge of his duty. + +Whilst these in-door remedial appliances were in progress, Agamemnon was +hurrying about in a hack cab to discover a designer in chalk, and at +length was fortunate enough to secure the "own artist" of the celebrated +"Crown and Anchor." Mr. Smear was a shrewd man, as well as an excellent +artist; and when he perceived the very peculiar position of things, he +forcibly enumerated all the difficulties which presented themselves, and +which could only be surmounted by a large increase of remuneration. + +"You see, sir," said Mr. Smear, "that wherever that ere water _has_ been +it's left a dampness ahind it; the moistur' consekent upon such a dampness +must be evaporated by ever-so-many applications of the warming-pan. The +steam which a rises from this hoperation, combined with the extra hart +required to hide them two black spots in the middle, will make the job +come to one-pund-one, independently of the chalk." + +Agamemnon had nothing left but compliance with Mr. Smear's demand; and one +warming and three stew-pans, filled with live coals, were soon engaged in +what Mr. Smear called the "ewaporating department." As soon as the boards +were sufficiently dry, Mr. Smear commenced operations. In each of the four +corners of the room he described the diagram of a coral and bells, +connecting them with each other by graceful festoons of blue-chalk ribbon +tied in large true-lover's knots in the centre. Having thus completed a +frame, he proceeded, after sundry contortions of the facial muscles, to +the execution of the great design. Having described an ellipse of red +chalk, he tastefully inserted within it a perfect representation of the +interior of an infant's mouth in an early stage of dentition, whilst a +graceful letter _A_ seemed to keep the gums apart to allow of this +artistical exhibition. Proudly did Mr. Smear cast his small grey eyes on +Agamemnon, and challenge him, as it were, to a laudatory acknowledgment of +his genius; but as his patron remained silent, Mr. Smear determined to +speak out. + +"Hart has done her best--language must do the rest. I am now only awaiting +for the motter. What shall I say, sir?" + +"'Welcome' is as good as anything, in my opinion," replied Collumpsion. + +"Welcome!" ejaculated Smear: "a servile himitation of a general +'lumination idea, sir. We must be original. Will you leave it to me?" + +"Willingly," said Agamemnon. And with many inward protestations against +parties in general and his own in particular, he left Mr. Smear and his +imagination together. + +The great artist in chalk paced the room for some minutes, and then +slapped his left thigh, in confirmation of the existence of some brilliant +idea. The result was soon made apparent on the boards of the drawing-room, +where the following inscription attested the immensity of Smear's genius-- + + "PARTAKE + OF + OUR + DENTAL DELIGHT." + +The guinea was instantly paid; but Collumpsion was for a length of time in +a state of uncertainty as to whether Mr. Smear's talents were ornamental +or disfigurative. Nine o'clock arrived, and with it a rumble of vehicles, +and an agitation of knocker, that were extremely exhilarating to the +heretofore exhausted and distressed family at 24. + +We shall not attempt to particularise the arrivals, as they were precisely +the same set as our readers have invariably met at routs of the second +class for these last five years. There was the young gentleman in an +orange waistcoat, bilious complexion, and hair _a la Petrarch_, only +gingered; and so also were the two Misses ----, in blue gauze, looped up +with coral,--and that fair-haired girl who "detethted therry," and those +black eyes, whose lustrous beauty made such havoc among the untenanted +hearts of the youthful beaux;--but, reader, you _must_ know the set that +_must_ have visited the Applebites. + +All went "merry as a marriage bell," and we feel that we cannot do better +than assist future commentators by giving a minute analysis of a word +which so frequently occurs in the fashionable literature of the present +day that doubtlessly in after time many anxious inquiries and curious +conjectures would be occasioned, but for the service we are about to +confer on posterity (for the pages of PUNCH are immortal) by a description +of + +A QUADRILLE: + +which is a dance particularly fashionable in the nineteenth century. In +order to render our details perspicuous and lucid, we will suppose-- + + 1.--A gentleman in tight pantaloons and a tip. + 2.--Ditto in loose ditto, and a camellia japonica in the + button-hole of his coat. + 3.--Ditto in a crimson waistcoat, and a pendulating eye-glass. + 4.--Ditto in violent wristbands, and an alarming eruption of buttons. + + ALSO, + + 1.--A young lady in pink-gauze and freckles. + 2.--Ditto in book-muslin and marabouts. + 3.--Ditto with blonde and a slight cast. + 4.--Ditto in her 24th year, and black satin. + +The four gentlemen present themselves to the four ladies, and having +smirked and "begged the honour," the four pairs take their station in the +room in the following order: + + The tip and the + freckles. + + The camelia japonica, The crimson waistcoat, + and the and the + marabouts. slight cast. + + The violent wristbands + and the + black satin. + + +During eight bars of music, tip, crimson, camellia, and wristbands, bow to +freckles, slight cast, marabouts, and black satin, who curtsey in return, +and then commence + +LA PANTALON, + +by performing an intersecting figure that brings all parties exactly where +they were; which joyous circumstance is celebrated by bobbing for four +bars opposite to each other, and then indulging in a universal twirl which +apparently offends the ladies, who seize hold of each other's hands only +to leave go again, and be twirled round by the opposite gentleman, who, +having secured his partner, promenades her half round to celebrate his +victory, and then returns to his place with his partner, performing a +similar in-and-out movement as that which commenced _la Pantalon_. + +L'ETE + +is a much more respectful operation. Referring to our previous +arrangement, wristbands and freckles would advance and retire--then they +would take two hops and a jump to the right, then two hops and a jump to +the left--then cross over, and there hop and jump the same number of times +and come back again, and having celebrated their return by bobbing for +four bars, they twirl their partners again, and commence + +LA POULE. + +The crimson waistcoat and marabouts would shake hands with their right, +and then cross over, and having shaken hands again with the left, come +back again. They then would invite the camellia and the slight cast to +join them, and perform a kind of wild Indian dance "all of a row." After +which they all walk to the sides they have no business upon, and then +crimson runs round marabout, and taking his partner's hand, _i.e._, the +slight cast, introduces her to camellia and marabout, as though they had +never met before. This introduction is evidently disagreeable, for they +instantly retire, and then rush past each other, as furiously as they can, +to their respective places. + +LA TRENISE + +is evidently intended to "trot out" the dancers. Freckles and black satin +shake hands as they did in _la Pantalon_, and then freckles trots tip out +twice, and crosses over to the opposite side to have a good look at him; +having satisfied her curiosity, she then, in company with black satin, +crosses over to have a stare at the violent wristbands, in contrast with +tip who wriggles over, and join him, and then, without saying a word to +each other, bob, and are twirled as in _l'Ete_. + +LA PASTORALE + +seems to be an inversion of _la Trenise_, except that in nineteen cases +out of twenty, the waistcoat, tip, camellia and wristbands, seem to +undergo intense mental torture; for if there be such a thing as "poetry of +motion," _pastorale_ must be the "Inferno of Dancing." + +LA FINALE + +commences with a circular riot, which leads to _l'Ete_. The ladies then +join hands, and endeavour to imitate the graceful evolutions of a +windmill, occasionally grinding the corns of their partners, who +frantically rush in with the quixotic intention of stopping them. A +general shuffling about then takes place, which terminates in a bow, a +bob, and "allow me to offer you some refreshment." + +_Malheureux!_ we have devoted so much space to the quadrille, that we have +left none for the supper, which being a cold one, will keep till next week. + + * * * * * + + +THE GENTLEMAN'S OWN BOOK. + +We are ashamed to ask our readers to refer to our last article under the +title of the "Gentleman's Own Book," for the length of time which has +elapsed almost accuses us of disinclination for our task, or weariness in +catering for the amusement of our subscribers. But September--September, +with all its allurements of flood and field--its gathering of honest old +friends--its tales of by-gone seasons, and its glorious promises of the +present--must plead our apology for abandoning our pen and rushing back to +old associations, which haunt us like + +[Illustration: THE SPELLS OF CHILDHOOD.] + +We know that we are forgiven, so shall proceed at once to the +consideration of the ornaments and pathology of coats. + +THE ORNAMENTS + +are those parts of the external decorations which are intended either to +embellish the person or garment, or to notify the pecuniary superiority of +the wearer. Amongst the former are to be included buttons, braids, and +mustachios; amongst the latter, chains, rings, studs, canes, watches, and +above all, those pocket talismans, purses. There are also riding-whips and +spurs, which may be considered as _implying_ the possession of quadrupedal +property. + +_Of Buttons_.--In these days of innovation--when Brummagem button-makers +affect a taste and elaboration of design--a true gentleman should be most +careful in the selection of this _dulce et utile_ contrivance. Buttons +which resemble gilt acidulated drops, or ratafia cakes, or those which are +illustrative of the national emblems--the rose, shamrock, and thistle tied +together like a bunch of faded watercresses, or those which are +commemorative of coronations, royal marriages, births, and christenings, +chartist liberations, the success of liberal measures, and such like +occasions, or those which would serve for vignettes for the _Sporting +Magazine_, or those which at a distance bear some resemblance to the royal +arms, but which, upon closer inspection, prove to be bunches of endive, +surmounted by a crown which the Herald's College does not recognise, or +those which have certain letters upon them, as the initials of clubs which +are never heard of in St. James's, as the U.S.C.--the Universal Shopmen's +Club; T.Y.C.--the Young Tailors' Club; L.S.D.--the Linen Drapers' +Society--and the like. All these are to be fashionably eschewed. The +regimental, the various hunts, the yacht clubs, and the basket pattern, +are the only buttons of Birmingham birth which can be allowed to associate +with the button-holes of a gentleman. + +The restrictions on silk buttons are confined chiefly to magnitude. They +must not be so large as an opera ticket, nor so small as a silver penny. + +_Of Braids_.--This ornament, when worn in the street, is patronised +exclusively by Polish refugees, theatrical Jews, opera-dancers, and +boarding-house fortune-hunters. + +_Of Mustachios_.--The mustachio depends for its effect entirely upon its +adaptation to the expression of the features of the wearer. The small, or +_moustache a la chinoise_, should only appear in conjunction with Tussaud, +or waxwork complexions, and then only provided the teeth are excellent; +for should the dental conformation be of the same tint, the mustachios +would only provoke observation. The German, or full hearth-brush, should +be associated with what Mr. Ducrow would designate a "cream," and +everybody else a drab countenance, and should never be resorted to, except +in conformity with regimental requisitions, or for the capture of an Irish +widow, as they are generally indigenous to Boulogne and the Bench, and are +known amongst tailors and that class of clothier victims as "bad debts," +or "the insolvency regulation," and operate with them as an insuperable +bar to + +[Illustration: PASSING A BILL.] + +The perfect, or heart-meshes, are those in which each particular hair has +its particular place, and must be of a silky texture, and not of a bristly +consistency, like a worn-out tooth-brush. Neither must they be of a bright +red, bearing a striking resemblance to two young spring radishes. + +The _barbe au bonc_, or _Muntzian fringe_, should only be worn when a +gentleman is desirous of obtaining notoriety, and prefers trusting to his +external embellishments in preference to his intellectual acquirements. + +_On Tips_.--Tips are an abomination to which no gentleman can lend his +countenance. They are a shabby and mangy compromise for mustachios, and +are principally sported by the genus of clerks, who, having strong hirsute +predilections, small salaries, and sober-minded masters, hang a tassel on +the chin instead of a vallance on the upper lip. + +Our space warns us to conclude, and, as a fortnight's indolence is not the +strongest stimulant to exertion, we willingly drop our pen, and taking the +hint and a cigar, indulge in a voluminous cloud, and a lusty + +[Illustration: CARMEN TRIUMPHALE.] + + * * * * * + + +"HABIT IS SECOND NATURE." + +FEARGUS O'CONNOR always attends public meetings, dressed in a complete +suit of fustian. He could not select a better emblem of his writings in +the _Northern Star_, than the material he has chosen for his habiliments. + + * * * * * + + +"THE SUBSTANCE AND THE SHADOW." + +We understand that Sir Robert Peel has sent for the fasting man, with the +intention of seeing how far his system may be acted upon for _the relief_ +of the community. + + * * * * * + + +"SAY IT WAS ME." + +"Jem! you rascal, get up! get up, and be hanged to you, sir; don't you +hear somebody hammering and pelting away at the street-door knocker, like +the ghost of a dead postman with a tertian ague! Open it! see what's the +matter, will you?" + +"Yes, sir!" responded the tame tiger of the excited and highly respectable +Adolphus Casay, shiveringly emerging from beneath the bed-clothes he had +diligently wrapped round his aching head, to deaden the incessant clamour +of the iron which was entering into the soul of his sleep. A +hastily-performed toilet, in which the more established method of encasing +the lower man with the front of the garment to the front of the wearer, +was curiously reversed, and the capture of the left slipper, which, as the +weakest goes to the wall, the right foot had thrust itself into, was +scarcely effected, ere another series of knocks at the door, and batch of +invectives from Mr. Adolphus Casay, hurried the partial sacrificer to the +Graces, at a Derby pace, over the cold stone staircase, to discover the +cause of the confounded uproar. The door was opened--a confused jumble of +unintelligible mutterings aggravated the eager ears of the shivering +Adolphus. Losing all patience, he exclaimed, in a tone of thunder-- + +"What is it, you villain? Can't you speak?" + +"Yes, sir, in course I can." + +"Then why don't you, you imp of mischief?" + +"I'm a-going to." + +"Do it at once--let me know the worst. Is it fire, murder, or thieves?" + +"Neither, sir; it's A1, with a dark lantern." + +"What, in the name of persecution and the new police, does A1, with a dark +lantern, want with me?" + +"Please, sir, Mr. Brown Bunkem has give him half-a-crown." + +"Well, you little ruffian, what's that to me?" + +"Why, sir, he guv it him to come here, and ask you--" + +Here policeman A1, with the dark lantern, took up the conversation. + +"Jist to step down to the station-'us, and bail him therefrom--" + +"For what!" + +"Being werry drunk--uncommon overcome, surely--and oudacious +obstropelous." continued the alphabetically and numerically-distinguished +conservator of the public peace. + +"How did he get there?" + +"On a werry heavily-laden stretcher." + +"The deuce take the mad fool," muttered the disturbed housekeeper; then +added, in a louder tone, "Ask the policeman in, and request him to take--" + +"Anything you please, sir; it is rather a cold night, but as we're all in +a hurry, suppose it's something short, sir." + +Now the original proposition, commencing with the word "take," was meant +by its propounder to achieve its climax in "a seat on one of the hall +chairs;" but the liquid inferences of A1, with a dark lantern, had the +desired effect, and induced a command from Mr. Adolphus Casay to the small +essential essence of condensed valetanism in the person of Jim Pipkin, to +produce the case-bottles for the discussion of the said A1, with the dark +lantern, who gained considerably in the good opinion of Mr. James Pipkin, +by requesting the favour of his company in the bibacious avocation he so +much delighted in. + +A1 having expressed a decided conviction that, anywhere but on the collar +of his coat, or the date of monthly imprisonments, his distinguishing +number was the most unpleasant and unsocial of the whole multiplication +table, further proceeded to illustrate his remarks by proposing glasses +two and three, to the great delight and inebriation of the small James +Pipkin, who was suddenly aroused from a dreamy contemplation of two +policemen, and increased service of case-bottles and liquor-glasses, by a +sound box on the ear, and a stern command to retire to his own proper +dormitory--the one coming from the hand, the other from the lips, of his +annoyed master, who then and there departed, under the guidance of A1, +with the dark lantern. After passing various lanes and weary ways, the +station was reached, and there, in the full plenitude of glorious +drunkenness, lay his friend, the identical Mr. Brown Bunkem, who, in the +emphatic words of the inspector, was declared to be "just about as far +gone as any gentleman's son need wish to be." + +"What's the charge?" commenced Mr. Adolphus Casay. + +"Eleven shillings a bottle.--Take it out o'that, and d--n the expense," +interposed and hiccoughed the overtaken Brown Bunkem. + +"Drunk, disorderly, and very abusive," read the inspector. + +"Go to blazes!" shouted Bunkem, and then commenced a very vague edition of +"God save the Queen," which, by some extraordinary "sliding scale," +finally developed the last verse of "Nix my Dolly," which again, at the +mention of the "stone jug," flew off into a very apocryphal version of the +"Bumper of Burgundy;" the lines "upstanding, uncovered," appeared at once +to superinduce the opinion that greater effect would be given to his +performance by complying with both propositions. In attempting to assume +the perpendicular, Mr. Brown Bunkem was signally frustrated, as the result +was a more perfect development of his original horizontal recumbency, +assumed at the conclusion of a very vigorous fall. To make up for this +deficiency, the suggestion as to the singer appearing uncovered, was +achieved with more force than propriety, by Mr. Brown Bunkem's nearly +displacing several of the inspector's front teeth, by a blow from his +violently-hurled hat at the head of that respectable functionary. + +What would have followed, it is impossible to say; but at this moment Mr. +Adolphus Casay's bail was accepted, he being duly bound down, in the sum +of twenty pounds, to produce Mr. Brown Bunkem at the magistrate's office +by eleven o'clock of the following forenoon. This being settled, in spite +of a vigorous opposition, with the assistance of five half-crowns, four +policemen, the driver of, and hackney-coach No. 3141, Mr. Brown Bunkem was +conveyed to his own proper lodgings, and there left, with one boot and a +splitting headache, to do duty for a counterpane, he vehemently opposing +every attempt to make him a deposit between the sheets.--Seven o'clock on +the following morning found Mr. Adolphus Casay at the bedside of the +violently-snoring and stupidly obfuscated Brown Bunkem. In vain he +pinched, shook, shouted, and swore; inarticulate grunts and apoplectic +denunciations against the disturber of his rest were the only answers to +his urgent appeals as to the necessity of Mr. Brown Bunkem's getting ready +to appear before the magistrate. Visions of contempt of court, forfeited +bail, and consequent disbursements, flitted before the mind of the +agitated Mr. Adolphus Casay. Ten o'clock came; Bunken seemed to snore the +louder and sleep the sounder. What was to be done? why, nothing but to get +up an impromptu influenza, and try his rhetoric on the presiding +magistrates of the bench. + +Influenced by this determination, Mr. Adolphus Casay started for that den +of thieves and magistrates in the neighbourhood of Bow-street; but Mr. +Adolphus Casay's feelings were anything but enviable; though by no means a +straitlaced man, he had an instinctive abhorrence of anything that +appeared a blackguard transaction. Nothing but a kind wish to serve a +friend would have induced him to appear within a mile of such a wretched +place; but the thing was now unavoidable, so he put the best face he could +on the matter, made his way to the clerk of the Court, and there, in a low +whisper, began his explanation, that being "how Mr. Brown Bunkem"--at this +moment the crier shouted-- + +"Bunkem! Where's Bunkem?" + +"I am here!" said Mr. Adolphus Casay; "here to"-- + +"Step inside, Bunkem," shouted a sturdy auxiliary; and with considerable +manual exertion and remarkable agility, he gave the unfortunate Adolphus a +peculiar twist that at once deposited him behind the bar and before the +bench. + +"I beg to state," commenced the agitated and innocent Adolphus. + +"Silence, prisoner!" roared the crier. + +"Will you allow me to say,"--again commenced Adolphus-- + +"Hold your tongue!" vociferated P74. + +"I must and will be heard." + +"Young man," said the magistrate, laying down the paper, "you are doing +yourself no good; be quiet. Clerk, read the charge." + +After some piano mumbling, the words +"drunk--abusive--disorderly--incapable--taking care of +self--stretcher--station-house--bail," were shouted out in the most +fortissimo manner. + +At the end of the reading, all eyes were directed to the well-dressed and +gentlemanly-looking Adolphus. He appeared to excite universal sympathy. + +"What have you to say, young man?" + +"Why, your worship, the charge is true; but"-- + +"Oh! never mind your buts. Will you ever appear in the same situation +again?" + +"Upon my soul I won't; but"-- + +"There, then, that will do; I like your sincerity, but don't swear. Pay +one shilling, and you are discharged." + +"Will your worship allow me"-- + +"I have no time, sir. Next case." + +"But I must explain." + +"Next case. Hold your jaw!--this way!"--and the same individual who had +jerked Mr. Adolphus Casay into the dock, rejerked him into the middle of +the court. The shilling was paid, and, amid the laughter of the idlers at +his anti-teetotal habits, he made the best of his way from the scene of +his humiliation. As he rushed round the corner of the street, a peal of +laughter struck upon his ears, and there, in full feather, as sober as +ever, stood Mr. Brown Bunkem, enjoying the joke beyond all measure. +Indignation took possession of Mr. Adolphus Casay's bosom; he demanded to +know the cause of this strange conduct, stating that his character was for +ever compromised. + +"Not at all," coolly rejoined the unmoved Bunkem; "we are all subject to +accidents. You certainly were in a scrape, but I think none the worse of +you; and, if it's any satisfaction, you may say it was me." + +"Say it was you! Why it was." + +"Capital, upon my life! do you hear him, Smith, how well he takes a cue? +but stick to it, old fellow, I don't think you'll be believed; but--_say +it was me._" + +Mr. Brown Bunkem was perfectly right. Mr. Adolphus Casay was not believed; +for some time he told the story as it really was, but to no purpose. The +indefatigable Brown was always appealed to by mutual friends, his answer +invariably was-- + +"Why, _Casay's_ a steady fellow, _I_ am not; it _might_ injure him. _I_ +defy report; therefore I gave him leave to--_say it was me!_" + +And that was all the thanks Mr. Adolphus Casay ever got for bailing +friend. + +FUSBOS + + * * * * * + + +THE POLITICAL EUCLID. + +WHEREIN ARE CONSIDERED + +THE RELATIONS OF PLACE; + +OR + +THE BEST MODE OF + +GETTING A PLACE FOR YOUR RELATIONS: + +Being a complete Guide to the Art of + +LEGISLATIVE MENSURATION, + +OR, + +How to estimate the value of a Vote upon + +WHIG AND TORY MEASURES. + +THE WHOLE ADAPTED TO + +THE USE OF HONOURABLE MEMBERS. + +BY + +LORD PALMERSTON, + +_Late Professor of Toryism, but now Lecturer on Whiggery to the College of +St. Stephen's._ + + * * * * * + +BOOK I.--DEFINITIONS. + +A point in politics is that which always has _place_ (in view,) but no +particular party. + +A line in politics is interest without principle. + +The extremities of a line are loaves and fishes. + +A right line is that which lies evenly between the Ministerial and +Opposition benches. + +A superficies is that which professes to have principle, but has no +consistency. + +The extremities of a superficies are expediencies. + +A plain superficies is that of which two opposite speeches being taken, +the line between them evidently lies wholly in the direction of +Downing-street. + +A plain angle is the evident inclination, and consequent piscation, of a +member for a certain place; or it is the meeting together of two members +who are not in the same line of politics. + +When a member sits on the cross benches, and shows no particular +inclination to one side or the other, it is called a right angle. + +An obtuse angle is that in which the inclination is _evidently_ to the +Treasury. + +An acute angle is that in which the inclination is _apparently_ to the +Opposition benches. + +A boundary is the extremity or whipper-in of any party. + +A party is that which is kept together by one or more whippers-in. + +A circular member is a rum figure, produced by turning round; and is such +that all lines of politics centre in himself, and are the same to him. + +The diameter of a circular member is a line drawn on the Treasury, and +terminating in both pockets. + +Trilateral members, or waverers, are those which have three sides. + +Of three-sided members an equilateral or independent member is that to +which all sides are the same. + +An isosceles or vacillating member is that to which two sides only are the +same. + +A scalene or scaly member has no one side which is equal to his own +interest. + +Parallel lines of politics are such as are in the same direction--say +Downing-street; but which, being produced ever so far--say to Windsor--do +not meet. + +A political problem is a Tory proposition, showing that the country is to +be done. + +A theorem is a Whig proposition--the benefit of which to any one but the +Whigs always requires to be demonstrated. + +A corollary is the consequent confusion brought about by adopting the +preceding Whig proposition. + +A deduction is that which is drawn from the revenue by adopting the +preceding Whig proposition. + + * * * * * + + +MAJOR BENIOWSKY'S NEW ART OF MEMORY + +A gentleman who boasts one of those proper names in _sky_ which are +naturally enough transmitted "from _pole to pole_," undertakes to teach +the art of remembering upon entirely new principles. We know not what the +merit of his invention may be, but we beg leave to ask the _Major_ a few +_general_ questions, and we, therefore, respectfully inquire whether his +system would be capable of effecting the following miracles:-- + +1st. Would it be possible to make Sir James Graham remember that he not +long since declared his present colleagues to be men wholly unworthy of +public confidence? + +2dly. Would Major Beniowsky's plan compel a man to remember his tailor's +bill; and, if so, would it go so far as to remind him to call for the +purpose of paying it? + +3dly. Would the new system of memory enable Mr. Wakley to refrain from +forgetting himself? + +4thly. Would the Phrenotypics, or brain-printing, as it is called, succeed +in stereotyping a pledge in the recollection of a member of parliament? + +5thly. Is it possible for the new art to cause Sir Robert Peel to remember +from one week to the other his political promises? + +We fear these questions must be answered in the negative; but we have a +plan of our own for exercising the memory, which will beat that of Beniow, +or any other sky, who ventures to propose one. Our proposition is, "_Read_ +PUNCH," and we will be bound that no one will ever forget it who has once +enjoyed the luxury. + + * * * * * + + +SONGS FOR THE SENTIMENTAL.--NO. 9. + + I wander'd through our native fields, + And one was by my side who seem'd + Fraught with each beauty nature yields, + Whilst from her eye affection beam'd. + It was so like what fairy books, + In painting heaven, are wont to tell, + That fondly I _believed_ those looks, + And found too late--'twas all a sell! + 'Twas all a sell! + + She vow'd I was her all--her life-- + And proved, methought, her words by sighs; + She long'd to hear me call her "wife," + And fed on hope which love supplies. + Ah! then I felt it had been sin + To doubt that she could e'er belie + Her vows!--I found 'twas only tin + She sought, and love was all my eye! + Was all my eye! + + * * * * * + + +SHIPPING INTELLIGENCE. + +The _Shamrock_ ran upon a timber-raft on Monday morning, and was _off +Deal_ in ten minutes afterwards. + +The storm of Thursday did considerable damage to the shipping in the +Thames. A coal was picked up off Vauxhall, which gave rise to a report +that a barge had gone down in the offing. On making inquiries at Lloyd's, +we asked what were the advices, when we were advised to mind our own +business, an answer we have too frequently received from the underlings of +that establishment. The _Bachelor_ has been telegraphed on its way up from +Chelsea. It is expected to bring the latest news relative to the +gas-lights on the Kensington-road, which, it is well known, are expected +to enjoy a disgraceful sinecure during the winter. + +Captain Snooks, of the _Daffydowndilly_, committed suicide by jumping down +the chimney of the steamer under his command. The rash act occasioned a +momentary flare up, but did not impede the action of the machinery. + +A rudder has been seen floating off Southwark. It has a piece of rope +attached to it. Lloyd's people have not been down to look at it. This +shameful neglect has occasioned much conversation in fresh-water circles, +and shows an apathy which it is frightful to contemplate. + + * * * * * + + +TO SIR ROBERT. + + Doctors, they say, are heartless, cannot feel-- + Have you no core, or are you naught but Peel? + + * * * * * + + +A PLEASANT ASSURANCE. + +The Marquis of Normandy, we perceive, has been making some inquiries +relative to the "Drainage Bills," and has been assured by Lord +Ellenborough, that the subject should meet the attention of government +during the recess. We place full reliance on his Lordship's promise--the +_drainage_ of the country has been ever a paramount object with our Whig +and Tory rulers. + + * * * * * + + +CHRISTIANITY.--PRICE FIFTEEN SHILLINGS. + +The English poor have tender teachers. In the first place, the genius of +Money, by a hundred direct and indirect lessons, preaches to them the +infamy of destitution; thereby softening their hearts to a sweet humility +with a strong sense of their wickedness. Then comes Law, with its whips +and bonds, to chastise and tie up "the offending Adam"--that is, the Adam +without a pocket,--and then the gentle violence of kindly Mother Church +leads the poor man far from the fatal presence of his Gorgon wants, to +consort him with meek-eyed Charity,--to give him glimpses of the Land of +Promise,--to make him hear the rippling waters of Eternal Truth,--to feast +his senses with the odours of Eternal sweets. Happy English poor! Ye are +not scurfed with the vanities of the flesh! Under the affectionate +discipline of the British Magi L.S.D.,--the "three kings" tasking human +muscles, banqueting on human heartstrings,--ye are happily rescued from +any visitation of those worldly comforts that hold the weakness of +humanity to life! Hence, by the benevolence of those who have only solid +acres, ye are permitted to have an unlimited portion of the sky; and +banned by the mundane ones who have wine in their cellars, and venison in +the larder from the gross diet of beer and beef--ye are permitted to take +your bellyful of the savoury food cooked for the Hebrew patriarch. Once a +week, at least, ye are invited to feast with Joseph in the house of +Pharaoh, and yet, stiff-necked generation that ye are, ye stay from the +banquet and then complain of hunger! "Shall there be no punishment for +this obduracy?" asks kindly Mother Church, her eyes red with weeping for +the hard-heartedness of her children. "Shall there be no remedy?" she +sobs, wringing her hands. Whereupon, the spotless maiden Law--that +Amazonian virgin, eldest child of violated Justice--answers, "_Fifteen +Shillings!_" + +We are indebted to Lord BROUGHAM for this new instance of the stubbornness +of the poor--for this new revelation of the pious vengeance of offended +law. A few nights since his lordship, in a motion touching prison +discipline, stated that "a man had been confined for _ten weeks_, having +been fined a shilling, and _fourteen shillings costs_, which he did not +pay, because he was absent one Sunday from church!" + +Who can doubt, that from the moment _John Jones_--(the reader may christen +the offender as he pleases)--was discharged, he became a most pious, +church-going Christian? He had been ten Sundays in prison, be it +remembered; and had therefore heard at least ten sermons. He crossed the +prison threshold a new-made man; and wending towards his happy home, had +in his face--so lately smirched with shameless vice--such lustrous glory, +that even his dearest creditors failed to recognise him! + +Beautiful is the village church of Phariseefield! Beautiful is its +antiquity--beautiful its porch, thronged with white-headed men and ruddy +little ones! Beautiful the graves, sown with immortal seed, clustering +round the building! Beautiful the vicar's horses--the vicar himself +preaches to-day,--and very beautiful indeed, the faces, ay, and the +bonnets, too, of the vicar's daughters! Beautiful the sound of the bell +that summons the lowly Christian to cast aside the pomps and vanities of +the world, and to stand for a time in utter nakedness of heart before his +Maker,--and very beautiful the silk stockings of the Dowager Lady Canaan's +footman, who carrieth with Sabbath humility his Lady's books to Church! +Yet all this beauty is as deformity to the new-born loveliness of _John +Jones_; who, on the furthermost seat--far from the vain convenience of pew +and velvet hassock--sits, and inwardly blesses the one shilling and +fourteen shillings costs, that with more than fifteen-horse power have +drawn him from the iniquities of the Jerry-shop and hustle-farthing,--to +feed upon the manna dropping from the lips of the Reverend Doctor FAT! +There sits _John Jones_, late drunkard, poacher, reprobate; but now, fined +into Christian goodness--made a very saint, according to Act of +Parliament! + +If Mother Church, with the rods of spikenard which the law hath +benevolently placed in her hands, will but whip her truant children to +their Sunday seats,--will only consent to draw them through the bars of a +prison to their Sabbath sittings,--will teach them the real value of +Christianity, it being according to her own estimate--_with the +expenses_--exactly fifteen shillings,--sure we are, that Radicalism and +Chartism, and all the many foul pustules that, in the conviction of Holy +Church, are at this moment poisoning and enervating the social body, will +disappear beneath the precious ointment always at her touch. + +When we consider the many and impartial blessings scattered upon the poor +of England--when in fact we consider the beautiful justice pervading our +whole social intercourse--when we reflect upon the spirit of good-will and +sincerity that operates on the hearts of the powerful few for the comfort +and happiness of the helpless million,--we are almost aghast at the +infidelity of poverty, forgetting in our momentary indignation, that +poverty must necessarily combine within itself every species of infamy. + +Poor men of England, consider not merely the fine and the expenses +attendant upon absence from church, but reflect upon the want of that +beautiful exercise of the spirit which, listening to precepts and parables +in Holy Writ, delights to find for them practical illustrations in the +political and social world about you. We know you would not think of going +to church in masquerade--of reading certain lines and making certain +responses as a bit of Sabbath ceremony, as necessary to a respectable +appearance as a Sabbath shaving. No; you are far away from the elegances +of hypocrisy, and do not time your religion from eleven till one, making +devotion a matter of the church clock. By no means. You go to hear, it may +be, the Bishop of EXETER; and as we have premised, what a beautiful +exercise for the intellect to discover in the political doings of his +Grace--in those acts which ultimately knock at your cupboard-doors--only a +practical illustration of the divine precept of doing unto all men as ye +would they should do unto you! Well, you pray for your daily bread; and +with a profane thought of the price of the four pound loaf, your feelings +are suddenly attuned to gratitude towards those who regulate the price of +British corn. We might run through the Scriptures from Genesis to +Revelation, quoting a thousand benevolences illustrated by the rich and +mighty of this land--illustrated politically, socially, and morally, in +their conduct towards the poor and destitute of Britain; and yet the +stiffnecked pauper will not dispose his Sabbath to self-enjoyment--will +not go to church to be rejoiced! By such disobedience, one would almost +think that the poor were wicked enough to consider the church discipline +of the Sabbath as no more than a ceremonious mockery of their six days +wants and wretchedness. + +The magistrates--(would we knew their names, we would hang them up in the +highways like the golden bracelets of yore)--who have made _John Jones_ +religious through his pocket, are men of comprehensive genius. There is no +wickedness that they would not make profitable to the Church. Hence, it +appears from Lord BROUGHAM'S speech that _John Jones_ "was guilty of +_other excesses_, and had been sent to prison for a violation of that +dormant--he wished he could say of it obsolete--law!" There being "other +excesses" for which, it appears, there is no statute remedy, the +magistrates commit a piece of pious injustice, and lump sundry laical sins +into the one crime against the Church. _John Jones_,--for who shall +conceive the profanity of man?--may have called one of these magistrates +"goose" or "jackass;" and the offence against the justice is a contempt of +the parson. After this, can the race of _John Joneses_ fail to venerate +Christianity as recommended by the Bench? + +We have a great admiration of English Law, yet in the present instance, we +think she shares very unjustly with Mother Church. For instance, Church in +its meekness, says to _John Jones_, "You come not to my house on Sunday: +pay a shilling." _John Jones_ refuses. "What!" exclaims Law--"refuse the +modest request of my pious sister? Refuse to give her a little shilling! +Give me _fourteen_." Hence, in this Christian country, law is of fourteen +times the consequence of religion. + +Applauding as we do the efforts of the magistrates quoted by Lord BROUGHAM +in the cause of Christianity, we yet conscientiously think their system +capable of improvement. When the Rustic Police shall be properly +established, we think they should be empowered to seize upon all suspected +non-church goers every Saturday night, keeping them in the station-houses +until Sunday morning, and then marching them, securely handcuffed, up the +middle aisle of the parish church. 'Twould be a touching sight for Mr. +PLUMPTREE, and such hard-sweating devotees. For the benefit of old +offenders, we would also counsel a little wholesome private whipping in +the vestry. + +Q. + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH'S PENCILLINGS.--No. XIII. + +[Illustration: MR. SANCHO BULL AND HIS STATE PHYSICIAN. + +"Though surrounded with luxuries, the Doctor would not allow Sancho to +partake of them, and dismissed each dish as it was brought in by the +servants."--_Vide_ DON QUIXOTE.] + + * * * * * + + +SWEET AUTUMN DAYS. + + Sweet Autumn days, sweet Autumn days, + When, harvest o'er, the reaper slumbers, + How gratefully I hymn your praise, + In modest but melodious numbers. + But if I'm ask'd why 'tis I make + Autumn the theme of inspiration, + I'll tell the truth, and no mistake-- + With Autumn comes the long vacation. + Of falsehoods I'll not shield me with a tissue-- + Autumn I love--because _no writs then issue_. + + Others may hail the joys of Spring, + When birds and buds alike are growing; + Some the Summer days may sing, + When sowing, mowing, on are going. + Old Winter, with his hoary locks, + His frosty face and visage murky, + May suit some very jolly cocks, + Who like roast-beef, mince-pies, and turkey: + But give me Autumn--yes, I'm Autumn's child-- + For then--_no declarations can be filed_. + + * * * * * + + +TOM CONNOR'S DILEMMA. + +A TRUE TALE. + +SHOWING HOW READY WIT MAY SUPPLY THE PLACE OF READY MONEY. + +Tom Connor was a perfect specimen of the happy, careless, improvident +class of Irishmen who think it "time enough to bid the devil good morrow +when they meet him," and whose chief delight seems to consist in getting +into all manner of scrapes, for the mere purpose of displaying their +ingenuity of getting out of them again. Tom, at the time I knew him, had +passed the meridian of his life; "he had," as he used to say himself, +"given up battering," and had luckily a small annuity fallen to him by the +demise of a considerate old aunt who had kindly popped off in the nick of +time. And on this independence Tom had retired to spend all that remained +to him of a merry life at a pleasant little sea-port town in the West of +Ireland, celebrated for its card-parties and its oyster-clubs. These +latter social meetings were held by rotation at the houses of the members +of the club, which was composed of the choicest spirits of the town. There +Doctor McFadd, relaxing the dignity of professional reserve, condescended +to play practical jokes on Corney Bryan, the bothered exciseman; and +Skinner, the attorney, repeated all Lord Norbury's best puns, and night +after night told how, at some particular quarter sessions, he had himself +said a better thing than ever Norbury uttered in his life. But the soul of +the club was Tom Connor--who, by his inexhaustible fund of humorous +anecdotes and droll stories, kept the table in a roar till a late hour in +the night, or rather to an early hour in the morning. Tom's stories +usually related to adventures which had happened to himself in his early +days; and as he had experienced innumerable vicissitudes of fortune, in +every part of the world, and under various characters, his narratives, +though not remarkable for their strict adherence to truth, were always +distinguished by their novelty. + +One evening the club had met as usual, and Tom had mixed his first tumbler +of potheen punch, after "the feast of shells" was over, when somebody +happened to mention the name of Edmund Kean, with the remark that he had +once played in a barn in that very town. + +"True enough," said Tom. "I played in the same company with him." + +"You! you!" exclaimed several voices. + +"Of course; but that was when I was a strolling actor in Clark's corps. We +used to go the western circuit, and by that means got the name of 'the +Connaught Rangers.' There was a queer fellow in the company, called Ned +Davis, an honest-hearted fellow he was, as ever walked in shoe leather. +Ned and I were sworn brothers; we shared the same bed, which was often +only a 'shake-down' in the corner of a stable, and the same dinner, which +was at times nothing better than a crust of brown bread and a draught of +Adam's ale. I'll trouble you for the bottle, doctor. Thank you; may I +never take worse stuff from your hands. Talking of Ned Davis, I'll tell +you, if you have no objection of a strange adventure which befel us once." + +"Bravo! bravo! bravo!" was the unanimous cry from the members. + +"Silence, gentlemen!" said the chairman imperatively; "silence for Mr. +Connor's story." + +"Hem! Well then, some time about the year--never mind the year--Ned and I +were playing with the company at Loughrea; business grew bad, and the +salaries diminished with the houses, until at last, one morning at a +rehearsal, the manager informed us that, in consequence of the depressed +state of the drama in Galway, the treasury would be closed until further +notice, and that he had come to the resolution to depart on the following +morning for Castlebar, whither he requested the company to follow him +without delay. Fancy my consternation at this unexpected announcement! I +mechanically thrust my hands into my pockets, but they were completely +untenanted. I rushed home to our lodgings, where I had left Ned Davis; he, +I knew, had received a guinea the day before, upon which I rested my hopes +of deliverance. I found him fencing with his walking-stick with an +imaginary antagonist, whom he had in his mind pinned against a +closet-door. I related to him the sudden move the manager had made, and +told him, in the most doleful voice conceivable, that I was not possessed +of a single penny. As soon as I had finished, he dropped into a chair, and +burst into a long-continued fit of laughter, and then looked in my face +with the most provoking mock gravity, and asked-- + +"What's to be done then? How are we to get out of this?" + +"Why," said I, "that guinea which you got yesterday!" + +"Ho! ho! ho! ho!" he shouted. "The guinea is gone." + +"Gone!" I exclaimed; and I felt my knees began to shake under me. +"Gone--where--how." + +"I gave it to the wife of that poor devil of a scene-shifter who broke his +arm last week; he had four children, and they were starving. What could I +do but give it to them? Had it been ten times as much they should have had +it." + +I don't know what reply I made, but it had the effect of producing another +fit of uncontrollable laughter. + +"Why do you laugh," said I, rather angrily. + +"Who the devil could help it;" he replied; "your woe-begone countenance +would make a cat laugh." + +"Well," said I, "we are in a pretty dilemma here. We owe our landlady +fifteen shillings." + +"For which she will lay an embargo on our little effects--three black wigs +and a low-comedy pair of breeches--this must be prevented." + +"But how?" I inquired. + +"How? never mind; but order dinner directly." + +"Dinner!" said I; "don't awaken painful recollections." + +"Go and do as I tell you," he replied. "Order dinner--beef-steak and +oyster-sauce." + +"Beef-steak! Are you mad"--but before I could finish the sentence, he had +put on his hat and disappeared. + +"Who knows?" thought I, after he was gone, "he's a devilish clever fellow, +something may turn up:" so I ordered the beef-steaks. In less than an +hour, my friend returned with exultation in his looks. + +"I have done it!" said he, slapping me on the back; "we shall have plenty +of money to-morrow." + +I begged he would explain himself. + +"Briefly then," said he, "I have been to the billiard-room, and every +other lounging-place about town, where I circulated, in the most +mysterious manner, a report that a celebrated German doctor and +philosopher, who had discovered the secret of resuscitating the dead, had +arrived in Loughrea." + +"How ridiculous!" I said. + +"Don't be in a hurry. This philosopher," he added, "is about to give +positive proof that he can perform what he professes, and it is his +intention to go into the churchyard to-night, and resuscitate a few of +those who have not been buried more than a twelvemonth." + +"Well." said I, "what does all this nonsense come to?" + +"That you must play the philosopher in the churchyard." + +"Me!" + +"Certainly, you're the very figure for the part." + +After some persuasion, and some further development of his plan, I +consented to wrap myself in an ample stage-cloak, and gliding into the +churchyard, I waited in the porch according to the directions I had +received from Ned, until near midnight, when I issued forth, and proceeded +to examine the different tombs attentively. I was bending over one, which, +by the inscription, I perceived had been erected by "an affectionate and +disconsolate wife, to the memory of her beloved husband," when I was +startled at hearing a rustling noise, and, on looking round, to see a +stout-looking woman standing beside me. + +"Doctor," said she, addressing me, "I know what you're about here." + +I shook my head solemnly. + +"This is my poor late husband's tomb." + +"I know it," I answered. "I mean to exercise my art upon him first. He +shall be restored to your arms this very night." + +The widow gave a faint scream--"I'm sure, doctor," said she, "I'm greatly +obliged to you. Peter was the best of husbands--but he has now been dead +six months--and--I am--married again." + +"Humph!" said I, "the meeting will be rather awkward, but you may induce +your second husband to resign." + +"No, no, doctor; let the poor man rest quietly, and here is a trifle for +your trouble." So saying, she slipped a weighty purse into my hand. + +"This alters the case," said I, "materially--your late husband shall never +be disturbed by me." + +The widow withdrew with a profusion of acknowledgments; and scarcely had +she gone, when a young fellow, who I learned had lately come into +possession of a handsome property by the death of an uncle, came to +request me not to meddle with the deceased, who he assured me was a +shocking old curmudgeon, who never spent his money like a gentleman. A +douceur from the young chap secured the repose of his uncle. + +My next visitor was a weazel-faced man, who had been plagued for twenty +years by a shrew of a wife, who popped off one day from an overdose of +whiskey. He came to beseech me not to bring back his plague to the world; +and, pitying the poor man's case, I gave him my promise readily, without +accepting a fee. + +By this time daylight had begun to appear, and creeping quietly out of the +churchyard, I returned to my lodgings. Ned was waiting up for my return. + +"What luck?" said he, as I entered the room. + +I showed him the fees I had received during the night. + +"I told you," said he, "that we should have plenty of rhino to-day. Never +despair, man, there are more ways out of the wood than one: and recollect, +that _ready wit is as good as ready money_." + + * * * * * + + +THE PHYSIOLOGY OF THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT. + +II.--THE NEW MAN. + +Embryology precedes the treatise on the perfect animal; it is but right, +therefore, that the new man should have our attention before the mature +student. + +No sooner do the geese become asphyxiated by torsion of their cervical +_vertebrae_, in anticipation of Michaelmas-day; no sooner do the pheasants +feel premonitory warnings, that some chemical combinations between +charcoal, nitre, and sulphur, are about to take place, ending in a +precipitation of lead; no sooner do the columns of the newspapers teem +with advertisements of the ensuing courses at the various schools, each +one cheaper, and offering more advantages than any of the others; the +large hospitals vaunting their extended field of practice, and the small +ones ensuring a more minute and careful investigation of disease, than the +new man purchases a large trunk and a hat-box, buys a second-hand copy of +Quain's Anatomy, abjures the dispensing of his master's surgery in the +country, and placing himself in one of those rattling boxes denominated by +courtesy second-class carriages, enters on the career of a hospital pupil +in his first season. + +The opening lecture introduces the new man to his companions, and he is +easily distinguished at that annual gathering of pupils, practitioners, +professors, and especially old hospital governors, who do a good deal in +the gaiter-line, and applaud the lecturer with their umbrellas, as they +sit in the front row. The new man is known by his clothes, which incline +to the prevalent fashion of the rural districts he has quitted; and he +evinces an affection for cloth-boots, or short Wellingtons with double +soles, and toes shaped like a toad's mouth, a propensity which sometimes +continues throughout the career of his pupilage. He likewise takes off his +hat when he enters the dissecting-room, and thinks that beautiful design +is shown in the mechanism and structure of the human body--an idea which +gets knocked out of him at the end of the season, when he looks upon the +distribution of the nerves as "a blessed bore to get up, and no use to him +after he has passed." But at first he perpetually carries a + +[Illustration: "DUBLIN DISSECTOR"] + +under his arm; and whether he is engaged upon a subject or no, delights to +keep on his black apron, pockets, and sleeves (like a barber dipped in a +blacking-bottle), the making of which his sisters have probably +superintended in the country, and which he thinks endows him with an air +of industry and importance. + +The new man, at first, is not a great advocate for beer; but this dislike +may possibly arise from his having been compelled to stand two pots upon +the occasion of his first dissection. After a time, however, he gives way +to the indulgence, having received the solemn assurances of his companions +that it is absolutely necessary to preserve his health, and keep him from +getting the collywobbles in his pandenoodles--a description of which +obstinate disease he is told may be found in "Dr. Copland's Medical +Dictionary," and "Gregory's Practice of Physic," but as to under what head +the informant is uncertain. + +The first purchase that a new man makes in London is a gigantic note-book, +a dozen steel pens on a card, and a screw inkstand. Furnished with these +valuable adjuncts to study, he puts down every thing he hears during the +day, both in the theatre of the school and the wards of the hospital, +besides many diverting diagrams and anecdotes which his fellow-students +insert for him, until at night he has a confused dream that the air-pump +in the laboratory is giving a party, at which various scalpels, bits of +gums, wax models, tourniquets, and foetal skulls, are assisting as +guests--an eccentric and philosophical vision, worthy of the brain from +which it emanates. But the new man is, from his very nature, a visionary. +His breast swells with pride at the introductory lecture, when he hears +the professor descant upon the noble science he and his companions have +embarked upon; the rich reward of watching the gradual progress of a +suffering fellow-creature to convalescence, and the insignificance of +worldly gain compared with the pure treasures of pathological knowledge; +whilst to the riper student all this resolves itself into the truth, that +three draughts, or one mixture, are respectively worth four-and-sixpence +or three shillings: that the patient should be encouraged to take them as +long as possible, and that the thrilling delight of ushering another +mortal into existence, after being up all night, is considerably increased +by the receipt of the tin for superintending the performance; _i.e._ if +you are lucky enough to get it. + +It is not improbable that, after a short period, the new man will write a +letter home. The substance of it will be as follows: and the reader is +requested to preserve a copy, as it may, perhaps, be compared with another +at a future period. + +"MY DEAR PARENTS,--I am happy to inform you that my health is at present +uninjured by the atmosphere of the hospital, and that I find I am making +daily progress in my studies. I have taken a lodging in ---- (Gower-place, +University-street, Little Britain, or Lant-street, as the case may be,) +for which I pay twelve shillings a week, including shoes. The mistress of +the house is a pious old lady, and I am very comfortable, with the +exception that two pupils live on the floor above me, who are continually +giving harmonic parties to their friends, and I am sometimes compelled to +request they will allow me to conclude transcribing my lecture notes in +tranquillity--a request, I am sorry to say, not often complied with. The +smoke from their pipes fills the whole house, and the other night they +knocked me up two hours after I had retired to rest, for the loan of the +jug of cold water from my washhand-stand, to make grog with, and a 'Little +Warbler,' if I had one, with the words of 'The Literary Dustman' in it. + +"Independently of these annoyances, I get on pretty well, and have already +attracted the notice of my professors, who return my salutation very +condescendingly, and tell me to look upon them rather as friends than +teachers. The students here, generally speaking, are a dissipated and +irreligious set of young men; and I can assure you I am often compelled to +listen to language that quite makes my ears tingle. I have found a very +decent washerwoman, who mends for me as well; but, unfortunately, she +washes for the house, and the initials of one of the students above me are +the same as mine, so that I find our things are gradually changing hands, +in which I have the worst, because his shirts and socks are somewhat +dilapidated, or, to speak professionally, their fibrous texture abounds in +organic lesions; and the worst is, he never finds out the error until the +end of the week, when he sends my things back, with his compliments, and +thinks the washerwoman has made a mistake. + +"I have not been to the theatres yet, nor do I feel the least wish to +enter into any of the frivolities of the great metropolis. With kind +regards to all at home, believe me, + +"Your's affectionately, + +"JOSEPH MUFF." + + * * * * * + + +"I DO ADJURE YE, ANSWER ME!" + +A valuable porcelain vase, which stood in one of the state rooms of +Windsor Castle, has been recently broken; it is suspected by design, as +the situation in which it was placed almost precludes the idea that it +could have happened by accident. A commission, called "The Flunky +Inquisition," has been appointed by Sir Robert Peel, with Sibthorp at its +head, to inquire into the affair. The gallant Colonel declares that he has +personally cross-examined all the housemaids, but that he has hitherto +been unable to obtain a satisfactory solution of + +[Illustration: THE GREAT CHINA QUESTION.] + + * * * * * + + +LIKE MASTER LIKE MAN. + +SIR ROBERT PEEL'S workmen inside the House of Parliament have determined +to follow the example of the masons outside the House, if Mr. Wakley is to +be appointed their foreman. + + * * * * * + + +INQUEST EXTRAORDINARY ON A CORONER. + +Last night an inquest was held on the _Consistency_ of Thomas Wakley, +Esq., Member for Finsbury, and Coroner for Middlesex. The deceased had +been some time ailing, but his demise was at length so sudden, that it was +deemed necessary to public justice that an inquest should be taken of the +unfortunate remains. + +The inquest was held at the Vicar of Bray tap, Palace Yard; and the jury, +considering the neighbourhood, was tolerably respectable. The remains of +the deceased were in a dreadful state of decomposition; and although +chloride of lime and other antiseptic fluids were plentifully scattered in +the room, it was felt to be a service of danger to approach too closely to +the defunct. Many members of Parliament were in attendance, and all of +them, to a man, appeared very visibly shocked by the appearance of the +body. Indeed they all of them seemed to gather a great moral lesson from +the corpse. "We know not whose turn it may be next," was printed in the +largest physiognomical type in every member's countenance. + +Thomas Duncombe, Esq., Member for Finsbury, examined--Had known the +deceased for some years. Had the highest notion of the robustness of his +constitution. Would have taken any odds upon it. Deceased, however, within +these last three or four weeks had flighty intervals. Talked very much +about the fine phrenological development of Sir Robert Peel's skull. Had +suspicions of the deceased from that moment. Deceased had been carefully +watched, but to no avail. Deceased inflicted a mortal wound upon himself +on the first night of Sir Robert's premiership; and though he continued to +rally for many evenings, he sunk the night before last, after a dying +speech of twenty minutes. + +Colonel Sibthorp, Member for Lincoln, examined--Knew the deceased. Since +the accession of Sir Robert Peel to power had had many conversations with +the deceased upon the ministerial bench. Had offered snuff-box to the +deceased. Deceased did not snuff. Deceased had said that he thought +witness a man of high parliamentary genius, and that Sir Robert Peel ought +to have made him (witness) either Lord Chamberlain or Chancellor of the +Exchequer. In every other respect, deceased behaved himself quite +rationally. + +There were at least twenty other witnesses--Members of the House of +Commons--in attendance to be examined; but the Coroner put it to the jury +whether they had not heard enough? + +The jury assented, and immediately returned a verdict--_Felo de se_. + +N.B. A member for Finsbury wanted next dissolution. + + * * * * * + + +A CURIOUS ERROR. + +A member of the American legislature, remarkable for his absence of mind, +exhibited a singular instance of this mental infirmity very lately. Having +to present a petition to the house, he presented _himself_ instead, and +did not discover his mistake until he was + +[Illustration: ORDERED TO LIE ON THE TABLE.] + + * * * * * + +SIR ROBERT PEEL (LOQUITUR). + + + When erst the Whigs were in, and I was out, + I knew exactly what to be about; + Then all I had to do, through thick and thin, + Was but to get them out, and Bobby in. + + And now that I am in, and they are out, + The only thing that I can be about + Is to do nothing; but, through thick and thin, + Contrive to keep them out, and Bobby in. + + * * * * * + + +SONGS FOR THE SEEDY.--No. 3. + + Oh! think not all who call thee fair + Are in their honied words sincere; + And if they offer jewels rare, + Lend not too readily thine ear. + The humble ring I lately gave + May be despised by thee--well, let it; + But Mary, when I'm in my grave, + Think that I pawn'd my watch to get it. + + Others may talk of feasts of love, + And banqueting upon thy charms; + But did not I devotion prove, + Last Sunday, at the Stanhope Arms? + My rival order'd tea for four, + The waiter at his bidding laid it; + He generously _ran_ the score, + But, Mary, I did more,--_I paid it_. + + I know he's dashing, bold, and free, + A front of Jove, an eye of fire; + But should he say he loves like me, + I'd, like Apollo, _strike the lyre_. + He says, he at your feet will throw + His all; and, if his vows are steady, + He cannot equal me--for, oh! + I've given you all I had, already. + + Mary, I had a second suit + Of clothes, of which the coat was braided; + Mary, they went to buy that flute + With which I thee have serenaded. + Mary, I had a beaver hat, + Than this I wear a great deal better; + Mary, I've parted too with that, + For pens, ink, paper--for this letter. + + * * * * * + + +PRIVATE CORRESPONDENCE. + +Dear PUNCH,--Will you inform me whether the review of the troops noticed +in last Saturday's _Times_, is to be found in the "Edinborough," +"Westminster," or "Quarterly." + +Yours, in all mayoralties, +PETER LAURIE. + +P.S.--What do they mean by + +[Illustration: SALUTING A FLAG?] + + * * * * * + + +"GO ALONG, BOB." + +Sir Bobby Peel, who, before he got into harness, professed himself able to +draw the Government truck "like bricks," has changed his note since he has +been put to the trial, and he is now bawling lustily--"Don't hurry me, +please--give me a little time." Wakley, seeing the pitiable condition of +the unfortunate animal, volunteered his services to push behind, and the +Chartist and Tory may now be seen every night in St. Stephen's, working +cordially together, and exhibiting an illustration of the benefits of a + +[Illustration: DIVISION OF LABOUR.] + + * * * * * + + +CONS BY OUR OWN COLONEL. + +Why is a loud laugh in the House of Commons like Napoleon +Buonaparte?--Because it's an _M.P. roar_ (an Emperor). + +Why is a person getting rheumatic like one locking a +cupboard-door?--Because he's turning _achy_ (a key). + +Why is one-and-sixpence like an aversion to coppers?--Because it's _hating +pence_ (eighteen-pence). + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH'S THEATRE. + +DIE HEXEN AM RHEIN; OR, RUDOLPH OF HAPSBURGH. + +Mysterious are thy ways, O Yates! Thou art the only true melodramatist of +the stage and off the stage! When a new demonology is compiled thou shalt +have an honourable place in it. Thou shall be worshipped as the demon of +novelty, even by the "gods" themselves. Thy deeds shall be recorded in +history. It shall not be forgotten that thou wert the importer of +Mademoiselle Djeck, the tame elephant; of Monsieur Bohain, the gigantic +Irishman; and of Signor Hervi o'Nano, the Cockneyan-Italian dwarf. Never +should we have seen the Bayaderes but for you; nor T.P. Cooke in "The +Pilot," nor the Bedouin Arabs, nor "The Wreck Ashore," nor "bathing and +sporting" nymphs, nor other dramatic delicacies. Truly, thou art the +luckiest of managers; for all thy efforts succeed, whether they deserve it +or not. Sometimes thou drawest up an army of scene-painters, mechanists, +dancers, monsters, dwarfs, devils, fire-works, and water-spouts, in +terrible array against common sense. Yet lo! thou dost conquer! Thy pieces +never miss fire; they go on well with the public, and favourable are the +press reports. Wert thou a Catholic thou wouldest be canonised; for evil +spirits are thy passion; the Vatican itself cannot produce a more +indefatigable "devils' advocate!" + +The repast now provided by Mr. Yates for those who are fond of "supping +full of horrors" is a devilled drama, interspersed with hydraulics-- +consisting, in fact, of spirits and water, sweetened with songs and spiced +with witches. It is, we are informed by the official announcements, "a +romantic burletta of witchcraft, in two acts, and a prologue, with +entirely new scenery, dresses, and peculiar appointments, _imagined_ by, +and introduced under the direction of, Mr. Yates." Now, any person, +entirely unprejudiced with a taste for devilry and free from hydrophobia, +who sees this production, must have an unbounded opinion of the manager's +imagination,--what a head he must have for aquatic effects! In vain we +look around for its parallel--nothing but the New River head suggests +itself. + +But our preface is detaining us from the "prologue;" the first words in +which stamp the entire production with originality. Assassins, who let +themselves out by the job, have long been pleasantly employed in +melodramas, being mostly enacted by performers in the heavy line; but the +author of "Die Hexen am Rhein" introduces a character hitherto unknown to +the stage; namely, the _comic_ cut-throat. Messieurs _Gabor_ and +_Wolfstein_, (played by Mr. Wright, and the immortal _Geoffery Muffincap_, +Mr. Wilkinson), treat us with a dialogue concerning the blowing out of +brains, and the incision of weasands, which is conceived and delivered +with the broadest humour, enlivened by the choicest of jokes. They have, +we learn, been lately commissioned by _Ottocar_ to murder _Rudolph_, the +exiled Duke of Hapsburgh, who is to pass that way; but he does not come, +because his kind kinsman, _Ottocar_, must have time to consult the +god-fathers and god-mothers of the piece, or "Witches of the Rhine;" which +he does in the "storm-reft hut of Zabaren." This _Zabaren_ is a hospitable +gentleman, who sings a good song, sees much company, and is played by that +convivial genius Paul Bedford. _Ottocar_ is introduced amongst other +friends to a "speaking spirit," who, being personated by Miss Terrey, +utters a terrible prediction. We could not quite make out the purport of +this augury; nor were we much grieved at the loss; feeling assured that +the next two acts would be occupied in fulfilling it. The funny bravoes +present themselves in the next scene, and exit to stab one of two +brothers, who goes off evidently for that purpose, judiciously coming back +to die in the arms of _Count Rudolph_, for whom he has been mistaken. +Under such circumstances it is but fair that the prince should repay the +obligation he owes his friend for being killed in his stead, by promising +protection to the widow and child. The oath he takes would be doubly +binding (for he promises to become a brother to the wife, and not content +with thus making himself the child's uncle, swears to be his father too), +if the husband did not die before he has had time to utter his wife's +name. All these affairs having been settled, the prologue--which used to +be called the first act--ends. + +Fifteen years are supposed to elapse before the curtain is again rolled +up; and that this allusion may be rendered the more perfect, the audience +is kept waiting about three times fifteen minutes, to amuse one another +during the _entr'acte_. We next learn that _Rudolph_ is seated upon his +ducal throne, fortunate in the possession of a paragon-wife, and a steward +of the household not to be equalled--no other than _Ottocar_--that +particular friend, who, in the prologue, tried to get a finis put to his +mortal career. The jocose ruffians here enliven the scene--one by being +cast into a dungeon for asking _Ottocar_ (evidently the Colburn of his +day), an exorbitant price for the copyright of a certain manuscript; the +other, by calling the courtier a man of genius, and being taken into his +service, as no doubt, "first robber." To support this character, a change +of apparel is necessary: and no wonder, for _Wolfstein_ has on precisely +the same clothes he wore fifteen years before. + +His first job is to steal a casket; but is declined, probably, because +_Wolfstein_, being a professor of the capital crime, considers mere +larceny _infra dig_. A "second robber" must therefore be hired, and +_Ottocar_ has one already preserved in the castle dungeons, in the person +of a dumb prisoner. Dummy comes on, and the auditors at once recognise the +"brother" who was not murdered in the prologue. He steals the casket, and +_Ottocar_ steals off. + +The duke and duchess next enter into a dialogue, the subject of which is +one _Wilhelm_, a young standard-bearer, who appears; and having said a few +words exits, that _Ida_, the duchess, might inform us, in a soliloquy, +what we have already shrewdly suspected, namely--that the ensign is her +son; another presentiment comes into one's mind, which one don't think it +fair to the author and his story to entertain till the proper time. A sort +of secret interview between the mother and son now takes place, which ends +by the imprisonment of the latter; why is not explained at the moment; +nor, indeed, till the next scene, when it is quite apparent; for if one +sees an impregnable castle, rigidly guarded by supernumeraries, with an +impassable river, bristling with _chevaux-de-frise_ it is impossible to +get over, and a moat that it would be death to cross, a prison-escape may +be surely calculated upon. In the present instance, this formulary is not +omitted, for _Wilhelm_ jumps into the river from a bridge which he has +contrived to reach. Though several shots are fired into the tank of water +that represents the Rhine, there is no hissing; on the contrary, the +second act ends amidst general applause; which indeed it deserves, for the +scenery is magnificent. + +"The Ancient Arch in the Black Forest," is a sort of house of call for +witches, and it being seen during their merry-making, or holiday, is +rendered more picturesque by the _Devil's_ "Ha, ha!" The hospitable +_Zabaren_ entertains hundreds of witches, of all sorts and sizes, who +dance all manner of country-dances, and sing a series of songs and +choruses, in which the "Ha! ha!" is again conspicuously introduced. It +seems that German witches not only ride upon brooms, but sweep with them; +and a company of supernatural Jack Rags perform sundry gyrations +peculiarly interesting to housemaids. After about an hour's dancing, the +witches being naturally "blown," are just in cue for leaving off with an +airy dance called the "witches' whirlwind." + +This episode over, the plot goes on. _Ottocar_ accuses _Ida_ of infidelity +with _Wilhelm_ to the duke; she, in explanation, fulfils the presentiment +we had some delicacy in hinting too soon--that she is the wife of the man +who was killed in the prologue; _Rudolph_ having married her in ignorance +of that fact, and by a coincidence which, though intensely melo-dramatic, +every body foresees who has ever been three times to the Adelphi theatre. + +To describe the last scene would be the height of presumption in PUNCH. +Nobody but "Satan" Montgomery, or the Adelphi play-bill, is equal to the +task. We quote, as preferable, the latter authority:--"Grand inauguration +of _Wilhelm_, the rightful heir. CORAL CAVES and CRYSTAL STREAMS: these +are actually obtained by a HYDRO-SCENIC EFFECT! As the usual area devoted +to illusion becomes a reality!" + +Besides all this, which simply means "real water," there is a _Neptune_ in +a car drawn by three sea or ichthyological horses, having fins and web +feet. There is a devil that is seen through the whole piece, because he is +supposed to be invisible (cleverly played by Mr. Wieland), and who having +dived into the water, is fished out of it, and sent flying into the flies. +This sending a devil upward, is a new way of + +[Illustration: TAKING OFF THE DARK GENTLEMAN.] + +Being dripping wet, the demon in his ascent seriously incommodes +_Neptune_; who, not being used to the water, looks about in great +distress, evidently for an umbrella. After several glares of several +coloured fires, the curtain falls. + +Seriously, the scenic effects of this piece do great credit to Mr. Yates's +"imagination," and to the handiwork of his "own peculiar artists." It is +very proper that they should be immortalised in the advertisements; by +which the public are informed that the scenery is by Pitt, (where is +Tomkins?) and others: the machinery by Mr. Hayley, and the _lightning_ by +the direction of Mr. Outhwaite! Bat will the public be satisfied with such +scanty information? Who, they will ask the manager, rolls the thunder? who +supplies the coloured fires? who flashes the lightning? who beats the +gong? who grinds up the curtain? Let Mr. Yates be speedy in relieving the +breathless curiosity of his patrons on these points, or look to his +benches. + + * * * * * + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +1, October 9, 1841, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14931.txt or 14931.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/9/3/14931/ + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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