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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/14931-8.txt b/14931-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c0a01d1 --- /dev/null +++ b/14931-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2220 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, +October 9, 1841, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, October 9, 1841 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14931] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 1. + + + +FOR THE WEEK ENDING OCTOBER 9, 1841. + + * * * * * + + +A MANUAL OF DENOUEMENTS. + + "In the king's name, + Let fall your swords and daggers."--CRITIC. + +[Illustration: A]A melo-drama is a theatrical dose in two or three acts, +according to the strength of the constitution of the audience. Its +component parts are a villain, a lover, a heroine, a comic character, and +an executioner. These having simmered and macerated through all manner of +events, are strained off together into the last scene; and the +effervescence which then ensues is called the _dénouement_, and the +_dénouement_ is the soul of the drama. + +_Dénouements_ are of three kinds:--The natural, the unnatural, and the +supernatural. + +The "natural" is achieved when no probabilities are violated;--that is, +when the circumstances are such as really might occur--if we could only +bring ourselves to think so--as, (_ex. gr._) + +When the villain, being especially desirous to preserve and secrete +certain documents of vital importance to himself and to the piece, does, +most unaccountably, mislay them in the most conspicuous part of the stage, +and straightway they are found by the very last member of the _dram. +pers._ in whose hands he would like to see them. + +When the villain and his accomplice, congratulating each other on the +successful issue of their crimes, and dividing the spoil thereof (which +they are always careful to do in a loud voice, and in a room full of +closets), are suddenly set upon and secured by the innocent yet suspected +and condemned parties, who are at that moment passing on their way to +execution. + +When the guiltless prisoner at the bar, being asked for his defence, and +having no witnesses to call, produces a checked handkerchief, and +subpoenas his own conscience, which has such an effect on the villain, +that he swoons, and sees demons in the jury-box, and tells them that "he +is ready," and that "he comes," &c. &c. + +When the deserter, being just about to be shot, is miraculously saved by +his mistress, who cuts the matter very fine indeed, by rushing in between +"present" and "fire;" and, having ejaculated "a reprieve!" with all her +might, falls down, overcome by fatigue--poor dear! as well she may--having +run twenty-three miles in the changing of a scene, and carried her baby on +her arm all the blessed way, in order to hold him up in the tableau at the +end. + +N.B.--Whenever married people rescue one another as above, the +"_dénouement_" belongs to the class "unnatural;" which is used when the +author wishes to show the intensity of his invention--as, (_ex. gr._ +again) + +When an old man, having been wounded fatally by a young man, requests, as +a boon, to be permitted to examine the young man's neck, who, accordingly +unloosing his cravat, displays a hieroglyphic neatly engraved thereon, +which the old man interprets into his being a parricide, and then dies, +leaving the young man in a state of histrionic stupor. + +When a will is found embellished with a Daguerréotype of four fingers and +a thumb, done in blood on the cover, and it turns out that the residuary +legatee is no better than he should be--but, on the contrary, a murderer +nicely ripe for killing. + +The "supernatural" _dénouement_ is the last resource of a bewildered +dramatist, and introduces either an individual in green scales and wings +to match, who gives the audience to understand that he is a fiend, and +that he has private business to transact below with the villain; who, +accordingly, withdraws in his company, with many throes and groans, down +the trap. + +Or a pale ghost in dingy lawn, apparently afflicted with a serious +haemorrhage in the bosom, who appears to a great many people, running, in +dreams; and at last joins the hands of the young couple, and puts in a +little plea of her own for a private burial. + +And there are many other variations of the three great classes of +_dénouements_; such as the helter-skelter +nine-times-round-the-stage-combat, and the grand _mêlée_ in which +everybody kills everybody else, and leaves the piece to be carried on by +their executors; but we dare unveil the mystery no further. + + * * * * * + + +SPORTING FACE. + +"Well," said Roebuck to O'Connell, "despite Peel's double-face +propensities, he is a great genius." "A great _Janus_ indeed," answered +the _liberathor_. + + * * * * * + + +"A RING! A RING!!" + +The political pugilistic scrimmage which recently took place in the House +of Congress so completely coincides with the views and propensities of the +"universal scrimmage" member for Bath, that he intends making a motion for +the erection of a twenty-four-foot-ring on the floor of the House, for the +benefit of opposition members. The Speaker, says Roebuck, will, in that +case, be enabled to ascertain whether the "noes" or "ayes" have it, +without tellers. + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH'S GUIDE TO THE WATERING PLACES.--No. 1. + +BRIGHTON + +If you are either in a great hurry, or tired of life, book yourself by the +Brighton railroad, and you are ensured one of two things--arrival in two +hours, or destruction by that rapid process known in America as "immortal +smash," which brings you to the end of your journey before you get to the +terminus. Should you fortunately meet with the former result, and finish +your trip without ending your mortal career, you find the place beset with +cads and omnibuses, which are very convenient; for if your hotel or +boarding-house be at the extremity of the town, you would have to walk at +least half a mile but for such vehicles, and they only charge sixpence, +with the additional advantage of the great chance of your luggage being +lost. If you be a married man, you will go to an hotel where you can get a +bed for half-a-guinea a night, provided you do not want it warmed, and use +your own soap; but it is five shillings extra if you do. Should you be a +bachelor, or an old maid, you, of course, put up at a boarding-house, +where you see a great deal of good society at two guineas a week; for +every third man is a captain, and every fifth woman "my lady." There, too, +you observe a continual round of courtship going on; for it comes in with +the coffee, and continues during every meal. "Marriages," it is said, "are +made in heaven"--good matches are always got up at meal-times in Brighton +boarding-houses. + +Brighton is decidedly a fishing-town, for besides the quantity of John +Dorys caught there, it is a celebrated place for pursey half-pay officers +to angle in for rich widows. The bait they generally use consists of dyed +whiskers, and a distant relationship to some of the "gentles" or nobles of +the land. The town itself is built upon _the downs_--a series of hills, +which those in the habit of walking over them are apt to call "ups and +downs." It consists entirely of hotels, boarding-houses, and +bathing-machines, with a pavilion and a chain-pier. The amusements are +various, and of a highly intellectual character: the chief of them being a +walk from the esplanade to the east cliff, and a promenade back again from +the east cliff to the esplanade. Donkey-races are in full vogue, insomuch +that the highways are thronged with interesting animals, decorated with +serge-trappings and safety-saddles, and interspersed with goat-carts and +hired flys. There is a library, where the visiters do everything but read; +and a theatre, where--as Charles Kean is now playing there--they do +anything but act. The ladies seem to take great delight in the sea-bath, +and that they may enjoy the luxury in the most secluded privacy, the +machines are placed as near to the pier as possible. This is always +crowded with men, who, by the aid of opera glasses, find it a pleasing +pastime to watch the movements of the delicate Naiads who crowd the +waters. + +Those to whom Brighton is recommended for change of air and of scene get +sadly taken in, for here the air--like that of a barrel-organ--never +changes, as the wind is always high. In sunshine, Brighton always looks +hot; in moonshine, eternally dreary; the men are yawning all day long, and +the women sitting smirking in bay-windows, or walking with puppy-dogs and +parasols, which last they are continually opening and shutting. In short, +when a man is sick of the world, or a maiden of forty-five has been so +often crossed in love as to be obliged to leave off hoping against hope, +Brighton is an excellent place to prepare him or her for a final +retirement from life--whether that is contemplated in the Queen's Bench, a +convent, a residence among the Welsh mountains, or the monastery of La +Trappe, a month's probation in Brighton, at the height of the season, +being well calculated to make any such change not only endurable, but +agreeable. + + * * * * * + + +CUSTOM-HOUSE SALE. LOT 1.--A PORT. + + For sale, Thorwaldsen's Byron, rich in beauty, + Because his country owes, and will not pay, "duty." + + * * * * * + + +THE HEIR OF APPLEBITE. + +CHAPTER VI. + +TREATS OF CHALK-AND-QUA-DRILL-OGY. + +[Illustration: E]Entirely disgusted with his unsuccessful appeal to the +enlightened British public assembled in the front of his residence, and +which had produced effects so contrary to what he had conceived would be +the result, Agamemnon called a committee of his household, to determine on +the most advisable proceedings to be adopted for remedying the evils +resulting from the unexpected pyrotechnic display of the morning. The +carpet was spoiled--the house was impregnated with the sooty effluvia, and +the company was expected to arrive at nine o'clock. What was to be done? +Betty suggested the burning of brown paper and scrubbing the carpet; John, +assafoetida and sawdust; Mrs. Waddledot, pastilles and chalking the floor. +As the latter remedies seemed most compatible with the gentility of their +expected visiters, immediate measures were taken for carrying them into +effect. A dozen cheese-plates were disposed upon the stairs, each +furnished with little pyramids of fragrance; old John, who was troubled +with an asthma, was deputed to superintend them, and nearly coughed +himself into a fit of apoplexy in the strenuous discharge of his duty. + +Whilst these in-door remedial appliances were in progress, Agamemnon was +hurrying about in a hack cab to discover a designer in chalk, and at +length was fortunate enough to secure the "own artist" of the celebrated +"Crown and Anchor." Mr. Smear was a shrewd man, as well as an excellent +artist; and when he perceived the very peculiar position of things, he +forcibly enumerated all the difficulties which presented themselves, and +which could only be surmounted by a large increase of remuneration. + +"You see, sir," said Mr. Smear, "that wherever that ere water _has_ been +it's left a dampness ahind it; the moistur' consekent upon such a dampness +must be evaporated by ever-so-many applications of the warming-pan. The +steam which a rises from this hoperation, combined with the extra hart +required to hide them two black spots in the middle, will make the job +come to one-pund-one, independently of the chalk." + +Agamemnon had nothing left but compliance with Mr. Smear's demand; and one +warming and three stew-pans, filled with live coals, were soon engaged in +what Mr. Smear called the "ewaporating department." As soon as the boards +were sufficiently dry, Mr. Smear commenced operations. In each of the four +corners of the room he described the diagram of a coral and bells, +connecting them with each other by graceful festoons of blue-chalk ribbon +tied in large true-lover's knots in the centre. Having thus completed a +frame, he proceeded, after sundry contortions of the facial muscles, to +the execution of the great design. Having described an ellipse of red +chalk, he tastefully inserted within it a perfect representation of the +interior of an infant's mouth in an early stage of dentition, whilst a +graceful letter _A_ seemed to keep the gums apart to allow of this +artistical exhibition. Proudly did Mr. Smear cast his small grey eyes on +Agamemnon, and challenge him, as it were, to a laudatory acknowledgment of +his genius; but as his patron remained silent, Mr. Smear determined to +speak out. + +"Hart has done her best--language must do the rest. I am now only awaiting +for the motter. What shall I say, sir?" + +"'Welcome' is as good as anything, in my opinion," replied Collumpsion. + +"Welcome!" ejaculated Smear: "a servile himitation of a general +'lumination idea, sir. We must be original. Will you leave it to me?" + +"Willingly," said Agamemnon. And with many inward protestations against +parties in general and his own in particular, he left Mr. Smear and his +imagination together. + +The great artist in chalk paced the room for some minutes, and then +slapped his left thigh, in confirmation of the existence of some brilliant +idea. The result was soon made apparent on the boards of the drawing-room, +where the following inscription attested the immensity of Smear's genius-- + + "PARTAKE + OF + OUR + DENTAL DELIGHT." + +The guinea was instantly paid; but Collumpsion was for a length of time in +a state of uncertainty as to whether Mr. Smear's talents were ornamental +or disfigurative. Nine o'clock arrived, and with it a rumble of vehicles, +and an agitation of knocker, that were extremely exhilarating to the +heretofore exhausted and distressed family at 24. + +We shall not attempt to particularise the arrivals, as they were precisely +the same set as our readers have invariably met at routs of the second +class for these last five years. There was the young gentleman in an +orange waistcoat, bilious complexion, and hair _à la Petrarch_, only +gingered; and so also were the two Misses ----, in blue gauze, looped up +with coral,--and that fair-haired girl who "detethted therry," and those +black eyes, whose lustrous beauty made such havoc among the untenanted +hearts of the youthful beaux;--but, reader, you _must_ know the set that +_must_ have visited the Applebites. + +All went "merry as a marriage bell," and we feel that we cannot do better +than assist future commentators by giving a minute analysis of a word +which so frequently occurs in the fashionable literature of the present +day that doubtlessly in after time many anxious inquiries and curious +conjectures would be occasioned, but for the service we are about to +confer on posterity (for the pages of PUNCH are immortal) by a description +of + +A QUADRILLE: + +which is a dance particularly fashionable in the nineteenth century. In +order to render our details perspicuous and lucid, we will suppose-- + + 1.--A gentleman in tight pantaloons and a tip. + 2.--Ditto in loose ditto, and a camellia japonica in the + button-hole of his coat. + 3.--Ditto in a crimson waistcoat, and a pendulating eye-glass. + 4.--Ditto in violent wristbands, and an alarming eruption of buttons. + + ALSO, + + 1.--A young lady in pink-gauze and freckles. + 2.--Ditto in book-muslin and marabouts. + 3.--Ditto with blonde and a slight cast. + 4.--Ditto in her 24th year, and black satin. + +The four gentlemen present themselves to the four ladies, and having +smirked and "begged the honour," the four pairs take their station in the +room in the following order: + + The tip and the + freckles. + + The camelia japonica, The crimson waistcoat, + and the and the + marabouts. slight cast. + + The violent wristbands + and the + black satin. + + +During eight bars of music, tip, crimson, camellia, and wristbands, bow to +freckles, slight cast, marabouts, and black satin, who curtsey in return, +and then commence + +LA PANTALON, + +by performing an intersecting figure that brings all parties exactly where +they were; which joyous circumstance is celebrated by bobbing for four +bars opposite to each other, and then indulging in a universal twirl which +apparently offends the ladies, who seize hold of each other's hands only +to leave go again, and be twirled round by the opposite gentleman, who, +having secured his partner, promenades her half round to celebrate his +victory, and then returns to his place with his partner, performing a +similar in-and-out movement as that which commenced _la Pantalon_. + +L'ETE + +is a much more respectful operation. Referring to our previous +arrangement, wristbands and freckles would advance and retire--then they +would take two hops and a jump to the right, then two hops and a jump to +the left--then cross over, and there hop and jump the same number of times +and come back again, and having celebrated their return by bobbing for +four bars, they twirl their partners again, and commence + +LA POULE. + +The crimson waistcoat and marabouts would shake hands with their right, +and then cross over, and having shaken hands again with the left, come +back again. They then would invite the camellia and the slight cast to +join them, and perform a kind of wild Indian dance "all of a row." After +which they all walk to the sides they have no business upon, and then +crimson runs round marabout, and taking his partner's hand, _i.e._, the +slight cast, introduces her to camellia and marabout, as though they had +never met before. This introduction is evidently disagreeable, for they +instantly retire, and then rush past each other, as furiously as they can, +to their respective places. + +LA TRENISE + +is evidently intended to "trot out" the dancers. Freckles and black satin +shake hands as they did in _la Pantalon_, and then freckles trots tip out +twice, and crosses over to the opposite side to have a good look at him; +having satisfied her curiosity, she then, in company with black satin, +crosses over to have a stare at the violent wristbands, in contrast with +tip who wriggles over, and join him, and then, without saying a word to +each other, bob, and are twirled as in _l'Eté_. + +LA PASTORALE + +seems to be an inversion of _la Trenise_, except that in nineteen cases +out of twenty, the waistcoat, tip, camellia and wristbands, seem to +undergo intense mental torture; for if there be such a thing as "poetry of +motion," _pastorale_ must be the "Inferno of Dancing." + +LA FINALE + +commences with a circular riot, which leads to _l'Eté_. The ladies then +join hands, and endeavour to imitate the graceful evolutions of a +windmill, occasionally grinding the corns of their partners, who +frantically rush in with the quixotic intention of stopping them. A +general shuffling about then takes place, which terminates in a bow, a +bob, and "allow me to offer you some refreshment." + +_Malheureux!_ we have devoted so much space to the quadrille, that we have +left none for the supper, which being a cold one, will keep till next week. + + * * * * * + + +THE GENTLEMAN'S OWN BOOK. + +We are ashamed to ask our readers to refer to our last article under the +title of the "Gentleman's Own Book," for the length of time which has +elapsed almost accuses us of disinclination for our task, or weariness in +catering for the amusement of our subscribers. But September--September, +with all its allurements of flood and field--its gathering of honest old +friends--its tales of by-gone seasons, and its glorious promises of the +present--must plead our apology for abandoning our pen and rushing back to +old associations, which haunt us like + +[Illustration: THE SPELLS OF CHILDHOOD.] + +We know that we are forgiven, so shall proceed at once to the +consideration of the ornaments and pathology of coats. + +THE ORNAMENTS + +are those parts of the external decorations which are intended either to +embellish the person or garment, or to notify the pecuniary superiority of +the wearer. Amongst the former are to be included buttons, braids, and +mustachios; amongst the latter, chains, rings, studs, canes, watches, and +above all, those pocket talismans, purses. There are also riding-whips and +spurs, which may be considered as _implying_ the possession of quadrupedal +property. + +_Of Buttons_.--In these days of innovation--when Brummagem button-makers +affect a taste and elaboration of design--a true gentleman should be most +careful in the selection of this _dulce et utile_ contrivance. Buttons +which resemble gilt acidulated drops, or ratafia cakes, or those which are +illustrative of the national emblems--the rose, shamrock, and thistle tied +together like a bunch of faded watercresses, or those which are +commemorative of coronations, royal marriages, births, and christenings, +chartist liberations, the success of liberal measures, and such like +occasions, or those which would serve for vignettes for the _Sporting +Magazine_, or those which at a distance bear some resemblance to the royal +arms, but which, upon closer inspection, prove to be bunches of endive, +surmounted by a crown which the Herald's College does not recognise, or +those which have certain letters upon them, as the initials of clubs which +are never heard of in St. James's, as the U.S.C.--the Universal Shopmen's +Club; T.Y.C.--the Young Tailors' Club; L.S.D.--the Linen Drapers' +Society--and the like. All these are to be fashionably eschewed. The +regimental, the various hunts, the yacht clubs, and the basket pattern, +are the only buttons of Birmingham birth which can be allowed to associate +with the button-holes of a gentleman. + +The restrictions on silk buttons are confined chiefly to magnitude. They +must not be so large as an opera ticket, nor so small as a silver penny. + +_Of Braids_.--This ornament, when worn in the street, is patronised +exclusively by Polish refugees, theatrical Jews, opera-dancers, and +boarding-house fortune-hunters. + +_Of Mustachios_.--The mustachio depends for its effect entirely upon its +adaptation to the expression of the features of the wearer. The small, or +_moustache à la chinoise_, should only appear in conjunction with Tussaud, +or waxwork complexions, and then only provided the teeth are excellent; +for should the dental conformation be of the same tint, the mustachios +would only provoke observation. The German, or full hearth-brush, should +be associated with what Mr. Ducrow would designate a "cream," and +everybody else a drab countenance, and should never be resorted to, except +in conformity with regimental requisitions, or for the capture of an Irish +widow, as they are generally indigenous to Boulogne and the Bench, and are +known amongst tailors and that class of clothier victims as "bad debts," +or "the insolvency regulation," and operate with them as an insuperable +bar to + +[Illustration: PASSING A BILL.] + +The perfect, or heart-meshes, are those in which each particular hair has +its particular place, and must be of a silky texture, and not of a bristly +consistency, like a worn-out tooth-brush. Neither must they be of a bright +red, bearing a striking resemblance to two young spring radishes. + +The _barbe au bonc_, or _Muntzian fringe_, should only be worn when a +gentleman is desirous of obtaining notoriety, and prefers trusting to his +external embellishments in preference to his intellectual acquirements. + +_On Tips_.--Tips are an abomination to which no gentleman can lend his +countenance. They are a shabby and mangy compromise for mustachios, and +are principally sported by the genus of clerks, who, having strong hirsute +predilections, small salaries, and sober-minded masters, hang a tassel on +the chin instead of a vallance on the upper lip. + +Our space warns us to conclude, and, as a fortnight's indolence is not the +strongest stimulant to exertion, we willingly drop our pen, and taking the +hint and a cigar, indulge in a voluminous cloud, and a lusty + +[Illustration: CARMEN TRIUMPHALE.] + + * * * * * + + +"HABIT IS SECOND NATURE." + +FEARGUS O'CONNOR always attends public meetings, dressed in a complete +suit of fustian. He could not select a better emblem of his writings in +the _Northern Star_, than the material he has chosen for his habiliments. + + * * * * * + + +"THE SUBSTANCE AND THE SHADOW." + +We understand that Sir Robert Peel has sent for the fasting man, with the +intention of seeing how far his system may be acted upon for _the relief_ +of the community. + + * * * * * + + +"SAY IT WAS ME." + +"Jem! you rascal, get up! get up, and be hanged to you, sir; don't you +hear somebody hammering and pelting away at the street-door knocker, like +the ghost of a dead postman with a tertian ague! Open it! see what's the +matter, will you?" + +"Yes, sir!" responded the tame tiger of the excited and highly respectable +Adolphus Casay, shiveringly emerging from beneath the bed-clothes he had +diligently wrapped round his aching head, to deaden the incessant clamour +of the iron which was entering into the soul of his sleep. A +hastily-performed toilet, in which the more established method of encasing +the lower man with the front of the garment to the front of the wearer, +was curiously reversed, and the capture of the left slipper, which, as the +weakest goes to the wall, the right foot had thrust itself into, was +scarcely effected, ere another series of knocks at the door, and batch of +invectives from Mr. Adolphus Casay, hurried the partial sacrificer to the +Graces, at a Derby pace, over the cold stone staircase, to discover the +cause of the confounded uproar. The door was opened--a confused jumble of +unintelligible mutterings aggravated the eager ears of the shivering +Adolphus. Losing all patience, he exclaimed, in a tone of thunder-- + +"What is it, you villain? Can't you speak?" + +"Yes, sir, in course I can." + +"Then why don't you, you imp of mischief?" + +"I'm a-going to." + +"Do it at once--let me know the worst. Is it fire, murder, or thieves?" + +"Neither, sir; it's A1, with a dark lantern." + +"What, in the name of persecution and the new police, does A1, with a dark +lantern, want with me?" + +"Please, sir, Mr. Brown Bunkem has give him half-a-crown." + +"Well, you little ruffian, what's that to me?" + +"Why, sir, he guv it him to come here, and ask you--" + +Here policeman A1, with the dark lantern, took up the conversation. + +"Jist to step down to the station-'us, and bail him therefrom--" + +"For what!" + +"Being werry drunk--uncommon overcome, surely--and oudacious +obstropelous." continued the alphabetically and numerically-distinguished +conservator of the public peace. + +"How did he get there?" + +"On a werry heavily-laden stretcher." + +"The deuce take the mad fool," muttered the disturbed housekeeper; then +added, in a louder tone, "Ask the policeman in, and request him to take--" + +"Anything you please, sir; it is rather a cold night, but as we're all in +a hurry, suppose it's something short, sir." + +Now the original proposition, commencing with the word "take," was meant +by its propounder to achieve its climax in "a seat on one of the hall +chairs;" but the liquid inferences of A1, with a dark lantern, had the +desired effect, and induced a command from Mr. Adolphus Casay to the small +essential essence of condensed valetanism in the person of Jim Pipkin, to +produce the case-bottles for the discussion of the said A1, with the dark +lantern, who gained considerably in the good opinion of Mr. James Pipkin, +by requesting the favour of his company in the bibacious avocation he so +much delighted in. + +A1 having expressed a decided conviction that, anywhere but on the collar +of his coat, or the date of monthly imprisonments, his distinguishing +number was the most unpleasant and unsocial of the whole multiplication +table, further proceeded to illustrate his remarks by proposing glasses +two and three, to the great delight and inebriation of the small James +Pipkin, who was suddenly aroused from a dreamy contemplation of two +policemen, and increased service of case-bottles and liquor-glasses, by a +sound box on the ear, and a stern command to retire to his own proper +dormitory--the one coming from the hand, the other from the lips, of his +annoyed master, who then and there departed, under the guidance of A1, +with the dark lantern. After passing various lanes and weary ways, the +station was reached, and there, in the full plenitude of glorious +drunkenness, lay his friend, the identical Mr. Brown Bunkem, who, in the +emphatic words of the inspector, was declared to be "just about as far +gone as any gentleman's son need wish to be." + +"What's the charge?" commenced Mr. Adolphus Casay. + +"Eleven shillings a bottle.--Take it out o'that, and d--n the expense," +interposed and hiccoughed the overtaken Brown Bunkem. + +"Drunk, disorderly, and very abusive," read the inspector. + +"Go to blazes!" shouted Bunkem, and then commenced a very vague edition of +"God save the Queen," which, by some extraordinary "sliding scale," +finally developed the last verse of "Nix my Dolly," which again, at the +mention of the "stone jug," flew off into a very apocryphal version of the +"Bumper of Burgundy;" the lines "upstanding, uncovered," appeared at once +to superinduce the opinion that greater effect would be given to his +performance by complying with both propositions. In attempting to assume +the perpendicular, Mr. Brown Bunkem was signally frustrated, as the result +was a more perfect development of his original horizontal recumbency, +assumed at the conclusion of a very vigorous fall. To make up for this +deficiency, the suggestion as to the singer appearing uncovered, was +achieved with more force than propriety, by Mr. Brown Bunkem's nearly +displacing several of the inspector's front teeth, by a blow from his +violently-hurled hat at the head of that respectable functionary. + +What would have followed, it is impossible to say; but at this moment Mr. +Adolphus Casay's bail was accepted, he being duly bound down, in the sum +of twenty pounds, to produce Mr. Brown Bunkem at the magistrate's office +by eleven o'clock of the following forenoon. This being settled, in spite +of a vigorous opposition, with the assistance of five half-crowns, four +policemen, the driver of, and hackney-coach No. 3141, Mr. Brown Bunkem was +conveyed to his own proper lodgings, and there left, with one boot and a +splitting headache, to do duty for a counterpane, he vehemently opposing +every attempt to make him a deposit between the sheets.--Seven o'clock on +the following morning found Mr. Adolphus Casay at the bedside of the +violently-snoring and stupidly obfuscated Brown Bunkem. In vain he +pinched, shook, shouted, and swore; inarticulate grunts and apoplectic +denunciations against the disturber of his rest were the only answers to +his urgent appeals as to the necessity of Mr. Brown Bunkem's getting ready +to appear before the magistrate. Visions of contempt of court, forfeited +bail, and consequent disbursements, flitted before the mind of the +agitated Mr. Adolphus Casay. Ten o'clock came; Bunken seemed to snore the +louder and sleep the sounder. What was to be done? why, nothing but to get +up an impromptu influenza, and try his rhetoric on the presiding +magistrates of the bench. + +Influenced by this determination, Mr. Adolphus Casay started for that den +of thieves and magistrates in the neighbourhood of Bow-street; but Mr. +Adolphus Casay's feelings were anything but enviable; though by no means a +straitlaced man, he had an instinctive abhorrence of anything that +appeared a blackguard transaction. Nothing but a kind wish to serve a +friend would have induced him to appear within a mile of such a wretched +place; but the thing was now unavoidable, so he put the best face he could +on the matter, made his way to the clerk of the Court, and there, in a low +whisper, began his explanation, that being "how Mr. Brown Bunkem"--at this +moment the crier shouted-- + +"Bunkem! Where's Bunkem?" + +"I am here!" said Mr. Adolphus Casay; "here to"-- + +"Step inside, Bunkem," shouted a sturdy auxiliary; and with considerable +manual exertion and remarkable agility, he gave the unfortunate Adolphus a +peculiar twist that at once deposited him behind the bar and before the +bench. + +"I beg to state," commenced the agitated and innocent Adolphus. + +"Silence, prisoner!" roared the crier. + +"Will you allow me to say,"--again commenced Adolphus-- + +"Hold your tongue!" vociferated P74. + +"I must and will be heard." + +"Young man," said the magistrate, laying down the paper, "you are doing +yourself no good; be quiet. Clerk, read the charge." + +After some piano mumbling, the words +"drunk--abusive--disorderly--incapable--taking care of +self--stretcher--station-house--bail," were shouted out in the most +fortissimo manner. + +At the end of the reading, all eyes were directed to the well-dressed and +gentlemanly-looking Adolphus. He appeared to excite universal sympathy. + +"What have you to say, young man?" + +"Why, your worship, the charge is true; but"-- + +"Oh! never mind your buts. Will you ever appear in the same situation +again?" + +"Upon my soul I won't; but"-- + +"There, then, that will do; I like your sincerity, but don't swear. Pay +one shilling, and you are discharged." + +"Will your worship allow me"-- + +"I have no time, sir. Next case." + +"But I must explain." + +"Next case. Hold your jaw!--this way!"--and the same individual who had +jerked Mr. Adolphus Casay into the dock, rejerked him into the middle of +the court. The shilling was paid, and, amid the laughter of the idlers at +his anti-teetotal habits, he made the best of his way from the scene of +his humiliation. As he rushed round the corner of the street, a peal of +laughter struck upon his ears, and there, in full feather, as sober as +ever, stood Mr. Brown Bunkem, enjoying the joke beyond all measure. +Indignation took possession of Mr. Adolphus Casay's bosom; he demanded to +know the cause of this strange conduct, stating that his character was for +ever compromised. + +"Not at all," coolly rejoined the unmoved Bunkem; "we are all subject to +accidents. You certainly were in a scrape, but I think none the worse of +you; and, if it's any satisfaction, you may say it was me." + +"Say it was you! Why it was." + +"Capital, upon my life! do you hear him, Smith, how well he takes a cue? +but stick to it, old fellow, I don't think you'll be believed; but--_say +it was me._" + +Mr. Brown Bunkem was perfectly right. Mr. Adolphus Casay was not believed; +for some time he told the story as it really was, but to no purpose. The +indefatigable Brown was always appealed to by mutual friends, his answer +invariably was-- + +"Why, _Casay's_ a steady fellow, _I_ am not; it _might_ injure him. _I_ +defy report; therefore I gave him leave to--_say it was me!_" + +And that was all the thanks Mr. Adolphus Casay ever got for bailing +friend. + +FUSBOS + + * * * * * + + +THE POLITICAL EUCLID. + +WHEREIN ARE CONSIDERED + +THE RELATIONS OF PLACE; + +OR + +THE BEST MODE OF + +GETTING A PLACE FOR YOUR RELATIONS: + +Being a complete Guide to the Art of + +LEGISLATIVE MENSURATION, + +OR, + +How to estimate the value of a Vote upon + +WHIG AND TORY MEASURES. + +THE WHOLE ADAPTED TO + +THE USE OF HONOURABLE MEMBERS. + +BY + +LORD PALMERSTON, + +_Late Professor of Toryism, but now Lecturer on Whiggery to the College of +St. Stephen's._ + + * * * * * + +BOOK I.--DEFINITIONS. + +A point in politics is that which always has _place_ (in view,) but no +particular party. + +A line in politics is interest without principle. + +The extremities of a line are loaves and fishes. + +A right line is that which lies evenly between the Ministerial and +Opposition benches. + +A superficies is that which professes to have principle, but has no +consistency. + +The extremities of a superficies are expediencies. + +A plain superficies is that of which two opposite speeches being taken, +the line between them evidently lies wholly in the direction of +Downing-street. + +A plain angle is the evident inclination, and consequent piscation, of a +member for a certain place; or it is the meeting together of two members +who are not in the same line of politics. + +When a member sits on the cross benches, and shows no particular +inclination to one side or the other, it is called a right angle. + +An obtuse angle is that in which the inclination is _evidently_ to the +Treasury. + +An acute angle is that in which the inclination is _apparently_ to the +Opposition benches. + +A boundary is the extremity or whipper-in of any party. + +A party is that which is kept together by one or more whippers-in. + +A circular member is a rum figure, produced by turning round; and is such +that all lines of politics centre in himself, and are the same to him. + +The diameter of a circular member is a line drawn on the Treasury, and +terminating in both pockets. + +Trilateral members, or waverers, are those which have three sides. + +Of three-sided members an equilateral or independent member is that to +which all sides are the same. + +An isosceles or vacillating member is that to which two sides only are the +same. + +A scalene or scaly member has no one side which is equal to his own +interest. + +Parallel lines of politics are such as are in the same direction--say +Downing-street; but which, being produced ever so far--say to Windsor--do +not meet. + +A political problem is a Tory proposition, showing that the country is to +be done. + +A theorem is a Whig proposition--the benefit of which to any one but the +Whigs always requires to be demonstrated. + +A corollary is the consequent confusion brought about by adopting the +preceding Whig proposition. + +A deduction is that which is drawn from the revenue by adopting the +preceding Whig proposition. + + * * * * * + + +MAJOR BENIOWSKY'S NEW ART OF MEMORY + +A gentleman who boasts one of those proper names in _sky_ which are +naturally enough transmitted "from _pole to pole_," undertakes to teach +the art of remembering upon entirely new principles. We know not what the +merit of his invention may be, but we beg leave to ask the _Major_ a few +_general_ questions, and we, therefore, respectfully inquire whether his +system would be capable of effecting the following miracles:-- + +1st. Would it be possible to make Sir James Graham remember that he not +long since declared his present colleagues to be men wholly unworthy of +public confidence? + +2dly. Would Major Beniowsky's plan compel a man to remember his tailor's +bill; and, if so, would it go so far as to remind him to call for the +purpose of paying it? + +3dly. Would the new system of memory enable Mr. Wakley to refrain from +forgetting himself? + +4thly. Would the Phrenotypics, or brain-printing, as it is called, succeed +in stereotyping a pledge in the recollection of a member of parliament? + +5thly. Is it possible for the new art to cause Sir Robert Peel to remember +from one week to the other his political promises? + +We fear these questions must be answered in the negative; but we have a +plan of our own for exercising the memory, which will beat that of Beniow, +or any other sky, who ventures to propose one. Our proposition is, "_Read_ +PUNCH," and we will be bound that no one will ever forget it who has once +enjoyed the luxury. + + * * * * * + + +SONGS FOR THE SENTIMENTAL.--NO. 9. + + I wander'd through our native fields, + And one was by my side who seem'd + Fraught with each beauty nature yields, + Whilst from her eye affection beam'd. + It was so like what fairy books, + In painting heaven, are wont to tell, + That fondly I _believed_ those looks, + And found too late--'twas all a sell! + 'Twas all a sell! + + She vow'd I was her all--her life-- + And proved, methought, her words by sighs; + She long'd to hear me call her "wife," + And fed on hope which love supplies. + Ah! then I felt it had been sin + To doubt that she could e'er belie + Her vows!--I found 'twas only tin + She sought, and love was all my eye! + Was all my eye! + + * * * * * + + +SHIPPING INTELLIGENCE. + +The _Shamrock_ ran upon a timber-raft on Monday morning, and was _off +Deal_ in ten minutes afterwards. + +The storm of Thursday did considerable damage to the shipping in the +Thames. A coal was picked up off Vauxhall, which gave rise to a report +that a barge had gone down in the offing. On making inquiries at Lloyd's, +we asked what were the advices, when we were advised to mind our own +business, an answer we have too frequently received from the underlings of +that establishment. The _Bachelor_ has been telegraphed on its way up from +Chelsea. It is expected to bring the latest news relative to the +gas-lights on the Kensington-road, which, it is well known, are expected +to enjoy a disgraceful sinecure during the winter. + +Captain Snooks, of the _Daffydowndilly_, committed suicide by jumping down +the chimney of the steamer under his command. The rash act occasioned a +momentary flare up, but did not impede the action of the machinery. + +A rudder has been seen floating off Southwark. It has a piece of rope +attached to it. Lloyd's people have not been down to look at it. This +shameful neglect has occasioned much conversation in fresh-water circles, +and shows an apathy which it is frightful to contemplate. + + * * * * * + + +TO SIR ROBERT. + + Doctors, they say, are heartless, cannot feel-- + Have you no core, or are you naught but Peel? + + * * * * * + + +A PLEASANT ASSURANCE. + +The Marquis of Normandy, we perceive, has been making some inquiries +relative to the "Drainage Bills," and has been assured by Lord +Ellenborough, that the subject should meet the attention of government +during the recess. We place full reliance on his Lordship's promise--the +_drainage_ of the country has been ever a paramount object with our Whig +and Tory rulers. + + * * * * * + + +CHRISTIANITY.--PRICE FIFTEEN SHILLINGS. + +The English poor have tender teachers. In the first place, the genius of +Money, by a hundred direct and indirect lessons, preaches to them the +infamy of destitution; thereby softening their hearts to a sweet humility +with a strong sense of their wickedness. Then comes Law, with its whips +and bonds, to chastise and tie up "the offending Adam"--that is, the Adam +without a pocket,--and then the gentle violence of kindly Mother Church +leads the poor man far from the fatal presence of his Gorgon wants, to +consort him with meek-eyed Charity,--to give him glimpses of the Land of +Promise,--to make him hear the rippling waters of Eternal Truth,--to feast +his senses with the odours of Eternal sweets. Happy English poor! Ye are +not scurfed with the vanities of the flesh! Under the affectionate +discipline of the British Magi L.S.D.,--the "three kings" tasking human +muscles, banqueting on human heartstrings,--ye are happily rescued from +any visitation of those worldly comforts that hold the weakness of +humanity to life! Hence, by the benevolence of those who have only solid +acres, ye are permitted to have an unlimited portion of the sky; and +banned by the mundane ones who have wine in their cellars, and venison in +the larder from the gross diet of beer and beef--ye are permitted to take +your bellyful of the savoury food cooked for the Hebrew patriarch. Once a +week, at least, ye are invited to feast with Joseph in the house of +Pharaoh, and yet, stiff-necked generation that ye are, ye stay from the +banquet and then complain of hunger! "Shall there be no punishment for +this obduracy?" asks kindly Mother Church, her eyes red with weeping for +the hard-heartedness of her children. "Shall there be no remedy?" she +sobs, wringing her hands. Whereupon, the spotless maiden Law--that +Amazonian virgin, eldest child of violated Justice--answers, "_Fifteen +Shillings!_" + +We are indebted to Lord BROUGHAM for this new instance of the stubbornness +of the poor--for this new revelation of the pious vengeance of offended +law. A few nights since his lordship, in a motion touching prison +discipline, stated that "a man had been confined for _ten weeks_, having +been fined a shilling, and _fourteen shillings costs_, which he did not +pay, because he was absent one Sunday from church!" + +Who can doubt, that from the moment _John Jones_--(the reader may christen +the offender as he pleases)--was discharged, he became a most pious, +church-going Christian? He had been ten Sundays in prison, be it +remembered; and had therefore heard at least ten sermons. He crossed the +prison threshold a new-made man; and wending towards his happy home, had +in his face--so lately smirched with shameless vice--such lustrous glory, +that even his dearest creditors failed to recognise him! + +Beautiful is the village church of Phariseefield! Beautiful is its +antiquity--beautiful its porch, thronged with white-headed men and ruddy +little ones! Beautiful the graves, sown with immortal seed, clustering +round the building! Beautiful the vicar's horses--the vicar himself +preaches to-day,--and very beautiful indeed, the faces, ay, and the +bonnets, too, of the vicar's daughters! Beautiful the sound of the bell +that summons the lowly Christian to cast aside the pomps and vanities of +the world, and to stand for a time in utter nakedness of heart before his +Maker,--and very beautiful the silk stockings of the Dowager Lady Canaan's +footman, who carrieth with Sabbath humility his Lady's books to Church! +Yet all this beauty is as deformity to the new-born loveliness of _John +Jones_; who, on the furthermost seat--far from the vain convenience of pew +and velvet hassock--sits, and inwardly blesses the one shilling and +fourteen shillings costs, that with more than fifteen-horse power have +drawn him from the iniquities of the Jerry-shop and hustle-farthing,--to +feed upon the manna dropping from the lips of the Reverend Doctor FAT! +There sits _John Jones_, late drunkard, poacher, reprobate; but now, fined +into Christian goodness--made a very saint, according to Act of +Parliament! + +If Mother Church, with the rods of spikenard which the law hath +benevolently placed in her hands, will but whip her truant children to +their Sunday seats,--will only consent to draw them through the bars of a +prison to their Sabbath sittings,--will teach them the real value of +Christianity, it being according to her own estimate--_with the +expenses_--exactly fifteen shillings,--sure we are, that Radicalism and +Chartism, and all the many foul pustules that, in the conviction of Holy +Church, are at this moment poisoning and enervating the social body, will +disappear beneath the precious ointment always at her touch. + +When we consider the many and impartial blessings scattered upon the poor +of England--when in fact we consider the beautiful justice pervading our +whole social intercourse--when we reflect upon the spirit of good-will and +sincerity that operates on the hearts of the powerful few for the comfort +and happiness of the helpless million,--we are almost aghast at the +infidelity of poverty, forgetting in our momentary indignation, that +poverty must necessarily combine within itself every species of infamy. + +Poor men of England, consider not merely the fine and the expenses +attendant upon absence from church, but reflect upon the want of that +beautiful exercise of the spirit which, listening to precepts and parables +in Holy Writ, delights to find for them practical illustrations in the +political and social world about you. We know you would not think of going +to church in masquerade--of reading certain lines and making certain +responses as a bit of Sabbath ceremony, as necessary to a respectable +appearance as a Sabbath shaving. No; you are far away from the elegances +of hypocrisy, and do not time your religion from eleven till one, making +devotion a matter of the church clock. By no means. You go to hear, it may +be, the Bishop of EXETER; and as we have premised, what a beautiful +exercise for the intellect to discover in the political doings of his +Grace--in those acts which ultimately knock at your cupboard-doors--only a +practical illustration of the divine precept of doing unto all men as ye +would they should do unto you! Well, you pray for your daily bread; and +with a profane thought of the price of the four pound loaf, your feelings +are suddenly attuned to gratitude towards those who regulate the price of +British corn. We might run through the Scriptures from Genesis to +Revelation, quoting a thousand benevolences illustrated by the rich and +mighty of this land--illustrated politically, socially, and morally, in +their conduct towards the poor and destitute of Britain; and yet the +stiffnecked pauper will not dispose his Sabbath to self-enjoyment--will +not go to church to be rejoiced! By such disobedience, one would almost +think that the poor were wicked enough to consider the church discipline +of the Sabbath as no more than a ceremonious mockery of their six days +wants and wretchedness. + +The magistrates--(would we knew their names, we would hang them up in the +highways like the golden bracelets of yore)--who have made _John Jones_ +religious through his pocket, are men of comprehensive genius. There is no +wickedness that they would not make profitable to the Church. Hence, it +appears from Lord BROUGHAM'S speech that _John Jones_ "was guilty of +_other excesses_, and had been sent to prison for a violation of that +dormant--he wished he could say of it obsolete--law!" There being "other +excesses" for which, it appears, there is no statute remedy, the +magistrates commit a piece of pious injustice, and lump sundry laical sins +into the one crime against the Church. _John Jones_,--for who shall +conceive the profanity of man?--may have called one of these magistrates +"goose" or "jackass;" and the offence against the justice is a contempt of +the parson. After this, can the race of _John Joneses_ fail to venerate +Christianity as recommended by the Bench? + +We have a great admiration of English Law, yet in the present instance, we +think she shares very unjustly with Mother Church. For instance, Church in +its meekness, says to _John Jones_, "You come not to my house on Sunday: +pay a shilling." _John Jones_ refuses. "What!" exclaims Law--"refuse the +modest request of my pious sister? Refuse to give her a little shilling! +Give me _fourteen_." Hence, in this Christian country, law is of fourteen +times the consequence of religion. + +Applauding as we do the efforts of the magistrates quoted by Lord BROUGHAM +in the cause of Christianity, we yet conscientiously think their system +capable of improvement. When the Rustic Police shall be properly +established, we think they should be empowered to seize upon all suspected +non-church goers every Saturday night, keeping them in the station-houses +until Sunday morning, and then marching them, securely handcuffed, up the +middle aisle of the parish church. 'Twould be a touching sight for Mr. +PLUMPTREE, and such hard-sweating devotees. For the benefit of old +offenders, we would also counsel a little wholesome private whipping in +the vestry. + +Q. + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH'S PENCILLINGS.--No. XIII. + +[Illustration: MR. SANCHO BULL AND HIS STATE PHYSICIAN. + +"Though surrounded with luxuries, the Doctor would not allow Sancho to +partake of them, and dismissed each dish as it was brought in by the +servants."--_Vide_ DON QUIXOTE.] + + * * * * * + + +SWEET AUTUMN DAYS. + + Sweet Autumn days, sweet Autumn days, + When, harvest o'er, the reaper slumbers, + How gratefully I hymn your praise, + In modest but melodious numbers. + But if I'm ask'd why 'tis I make + Autumn the theme of inspiration, + I'll tell the truth, and no mistake-- + With Autumn comes the long vacation. + Of falsehoods I'll not shield me with a tissue-- + Autumn I love--because _no writs then issue_. + + Others may hail the joys of Spring, + When birds and buds alike are growing; + Some the Summer days may sing, + When sowing, mowing, on are going. + Old Winter, with his hoary locks, + His frosty face and visage murky, + May suit some very jolly cocks, + Who like roast-beef, mince-pies, and turkey: + But give me Autumn--yes, I'm Autumn's child-- + For then--_no declarations can be filed_. + + * * * * * + + +TOM CONNOR'S DILEMMA. + +A TRUE TALE. + +SHOWING HOW READY WIT MAY SUPPLY THE PLACE OF READY MONEY. + +Tom Connor was a perfect specimen of the happy, careless, improvident +class of Irishmen who think it "time enough to bid the devil good morrow +when they meet him," and whose chief delight seems to consist in getting +into all manner of scrapes, for the mere purpose of displaying their +ingenuity of getting out of them again. Tom, at the time I knew him, had +passed the meridian of his life; "he had," as he used to say himself, +"given up battering," and had luckily a small annuity fallen to him by the +demise of a considerate old aunt who had kindly popped off in the nick of +time. And on this independence Tom had retired to spend all that remained +to him of a merry life at a pleasant little sea-port town in the West of +Ireland, celebrated for its card-parties and its oyster-clubs. These +latter social meetings were held by rotation at the houses of the members +of the club, which was composed of the choicest spirits of the town. There +Doctor McFadd, relaxing the dignity of professional reserve, condescended +to play practical jokes on Corney Bryan, the bothered exciseman; and +Skinner, the attorney, repeated all Lord Norbury's best puns, and night +after night told how, at some particular quarter sessions, he had himself +said a better thing than ever Norbury uttered in his life. But the soul of +the club was Tom Connor--who, by his inexhaustible fund of humorous +anecdotes and droll stories, kept the table in a roar till a late hour in +the night, or rather to an early hour in the morning. Tom's stories +usually related to adventures which had happened to himself in his early +days; and as he had experienced innumerable vicissitudes of fortune, in +every part of the world, and under various characters, his narratives, +though not remarkable for their strict adherence to truth, were always +distinguished by their novelty. + +One evening the club had met as usual, and Tom had mixed his first tumbler +of potheen punch, after "the feast of shells" was over, when somebody +happened to mention the name of Edmund Kean, with the remark that he had +once played in a barn in that very town. + +"True enough," said Tom. "I played in the same company with him." + +"You! you!" exclaimed several voices. + +"Of course; but that was when I was a strolling actor in Clark's corps. We +used to go the western circuit, and by that means got the name of 'the +Connaught Rangers.' There was a queer fellow in the company, called Ned +Davis, an honest-hearted fellow he was, as ever walked in shoe leather. +Ned and I were sworn brothers; we shared the same bed, which was often +only a 'shake-down' in the corner of a stable, and the same dinner, which +was at times nothing better than a crust of brown bread and a draught of +Adam's ale. I'll trouble you for the bottle, doctor. Thank you; may I +never take worse stuff from your hands. Talking of Ned Davis, I'll tell +you, if you have no objection of a strange adventure which befel us once." + +"Bravo! bravo! bravo!" was the unanimous cry from the members. + +"Silence, gentlemen!" said the chairman imperatively; "silence for Mr. +Connor's story." + +"Hem! Well then, some time about the year--never mind the year--Ned and I +were playing with the company at Loughrea; business grew bad, and the +salaries diminished with the houses, until at last, one morning at a +rehearsal, the manager informed us that, in consequence of the depressed +state of the drama in Galway, the treasury would be closed until further +notice, and that he had come to the resolution to depart on the following +morning for Castlebar, whither he requested the company to follow him +without delay. Fancy my consternation at this unexpected announcement! I +mechanically thrust my hands into my pockets, but they were completely +untenanted. I rushed home to our lodgings, where I had left Ned Davis; he, +I knew, had received a guinea the day before, upon which I rested my hopes +of deliverance. I found him fencing with his walking-stick with an +imaginary antagonist, whom he had in his mind pinned against a +closet-door. I related to him the sudden move the manager had made, and +told him, in the most doleful voice conceivable, that I was not possessed +of a single penny. As soon as I had finished, he dropped into a chair, and +burst into a long-continued fit of laughter, and then looked in my face +with the most provoking mock gravity, and asked-- + +"What's to be done then? How are we to get out of this?" + +"Why," said I, "that guinea which you got yesterday!" + +"Ho! ho! ho! ho!" he shouted. "The guinea is gone." + +"Gone!" I exclaimed; and I felt my knees began to shake under me. +"Gone--where--how." + +"I gave it to the wife of that poor devil of a scene-shifter who broke his +arm last week; he had four children, and they were starving. What could I +do but give it to them? Had it been ten times as much they should have had +it." + +I don't know what reply I made, but it had the effect of producing another +fit of uncontrollable laughter. + +"Why do you laugh," said I, rather angrily. + +"Who the devil could help it;" he replied; "your woe-begone countenance +would make a cat laugh." + +"Well," said I, "we are in a pretty dilemma here. We owe our landlady +fifteen shillings." + +"For which she will lay an embargo on our little effects--three black wigs +and a low-comedy pair of breeches--this must be prevented." + +"But how?" I inquired. + +"How? never mind; but order dinner directly." + +"Dinner!" said I; "don't awaken painful recollections." + +"Go and do as I tell you," he replied. "Order dinner--beef-steak and +oyster-sauce." + +"Beef-steak! Are you mad"--but before I could finish the sentence, he had +put on his hat and disappeared. + +"Who knows?" thought I, after he was gone, "he's a devilish clever fellow, +something may turn up:" so I ordered the beef-steaks. In less than an +hour, my friend returned with exultation in his looks. + +"I have done it!" said he, slapping me on the back; "we shall have plenty +of money to-morrow." + +I begged he would explain himself. + +"Briefly then," said he, "I have been to the billiard-room, and every +other lounging-place about town, where I circulated, in the most +mysterious manner, a report that a celebrated German doctor and +philosopher, who had discovered the secret of resuscitating the dead, had +arrived in Loughrea." + +"How ridiculous!" I said. + +"Don't be in a hurry. This philosopher," he added, "is about to give +positive proof that he can perform what he professes, and it is his +intention to go into the churchyard to-night, and resuscitate a few of +those who have not been buried more than a twelvemonth." + +"Well." said I, "what does all this nonsense come to?" + +"That you must play the philosopher in the churchyard." + +"Me!" + +"Certainly, you're the very figure for the part." + +After some persuasion, and some further development of his plan, I +consented to wrap myself in an ample stage-cloak, and gliding into the +churchyard, I waited in the porch according to the directions I had +received from Ned, until near midnight, when I issued forth, and proceeded +to examine the different tombs attentively. I was bending over one, which, +by the inscription, I perceived had been erected by "an affectionate and +disconsolate wife, to the memory of her beloved husband," when I was +startled at hearing a rustling noise, and, on looking round, to see a +stout-looking woman standing beside me. + +"Doctor," said she, addressing me, "I know what you're about here." + +I shook my head solemnly. + +"This is my poor late husband's tomb." + +"I know it," I answered. "I mean to exercise my art upon him first. He +shall be restored to your arms this very night." + +The widow gave a faint scream--"I'm sure, doctor," said she, "I'm greatly +obliged to you. Peter was the best of husbands--but he has now been dead +six months--and--I am--married again." + +"Humph!" said I, "the meeting will be rather awkward, but you may induce +your second husband to resign." + +"No, no, doctor; let the poor man rest quietly, and here is a trifle for +your trouble." So saying, she slipped a weighty purse into my hand. + +"This alters the case," said I, "materially--your late husband shall never +be disturbed by me." + +The widow withdrew with a profusion of acknowledgments; and scarcely had +she gone, when a young fellow, who I learned had lately come into +possession of a handsome property by the death of an uncle, came to +request me not to meddle with the deceased, who he assured me was a +shocking old curmudgeon, who never spent his money like a gentleman. A +douceur from the young chap secured the repose of his uncle. + +My next visitor was a weazel-faced man, who had been plagued for twenty +years by a shrew of a wife, who popped off one day from an overdose of +whiskey. He came to beseech me not to bring back his plague to the world; +and, pitying the poor man's case, I gave him my promise readily, without +accepting a fee. + +By this time daylight had begun to appear, and creeping quietly out of the +churchyard, I returned to my lodgings. Ned was waiting up for my return. + +"What luck?" said he, as I entered the room. + +I showed him the fees I had received during the night. + +"I told you," said he, "that we should have plenty of rhino to-day. Never +despair, man, there are more ways out of the wood than one: and recollect, +that _ready wit is as good as ready money_." + + * * * * * + + +THE PHYSIOLOGY OF THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT. + +II.--THE NEW MAN. + +Embryology precedes the treatise on the perfect animal; it is but right, +therefore, that the new man should have our attention before the mature +student. + +No sooner do the geese become asphyxiated by torsion of their cervical +_vertebrae_, in anticipation of Michaelmas-day; no sooner do the pheasants +feel premonitory warnings, that some chemical combinations between +charcoal, nitre, and sulphur, are about to take place, ending in a +precipitation of lead; no sooner do the columns of the newspapers teem +with advertisements of the ensuing courses at the various schools, each +one cheaper, and offering more advantages than any of the others; the +large hospitals vaunting their extended field of practice, and the small +ones ensuring a more minute and careful investigation of disease, than the +new man purchases a large trunk and a hat-box, buys a second-hand copy of +Quain's Anatomy, abjures the dispensing of his master's surgery in the +country, and placing himself in one of those rattling boxes denominated by +courtesy second-class carriages, enters on the career of a hospital pupil +in his first season. + +The opening lecture introduces the new man to his companions, and he is +easily distinguished at that annual gathering of pupils, practitioners, +professors, and especially old hospital governors, who do a good deal in +the gaiter-line, and applaud the lecturer with their umbrellas, as they +sit in the front row. The new man is known by his clothes, which incline +to the prevalent fashion of the rural districts he has quitted; and he +evinces an affection for cloth-boots, or short Wellingtons with double +soles, and toes shaped like a toad's mouth, a propensity which sometimes +continues throughout the career of his pupilage. He likewise takes off his +hat when he enters the dissecting-room, and thinks that beautiful design +is shown in the mechanism and structure of the human body--an idea which +gets knocked out of him at the end of the season, when he looks upon the +distribution of the nerves as "a blessed bore to get up, and no use to him +after he has passed." But at first he perpetually carries a + +[Illustration: "DUBLIN DISSECTOR"] + +under his arm; and whether he is engaged upon a subject or no, delights to +keep on his black apron, pockets, and sleeves (like a barber dipped in a +blacking-bottle), the making of which his sisters have probably +superintended in the country, and which he thinks endows him with an air +of industry and importance. + +The new man, at first, is not a great advocate for beer; but this dislike +may possibly arise from his having been compelled to stand two pots upon +the occasion of his first dissection. After a time, however, he gives way +to the indulgence, having received the solemn assurances of his companions +that it is absolutely necessary to preserve his health, and keep him from +getting the collywobbles in his pandenoodles--a description of which +obstinate disease he is told may be found in "Dr. Copland's Medical +Dictionary," and "Gregory's Practice of Physic," but as to under what head +the informant is uncertain. + +The first purchase that a new man makes in London is a gigantic note-book, +a dozen steel pens on a card, and a screw inkstand. Furnished with these +valuable adjuncts to study, he puts down every thing he hears during the +day, both in the theatre of the school and the wards of the hospital, +besides many diverting diagrams and anecdotes which his fellow-students +insert for him, until at night he has a confused dream that the air-pump +in the laboratory is giving a party, at which various scalpels, bits of +gums, wax models, tourniquets, and foetal skulls, are assisting as +guests--an eccentric and philosophical vision, worthy of the brain from +which it emanates. But the new man is, from his very nature, a visionary. +His breast swells with pride at the introductory lecture, when he hears +the professor descant upon the noble science he and his companions have +embarked upon; the rich reward of watching the gradual progress of a +suffering fellow-creature to convalescence, and the insignificance of +worldly gain compared with the pure treasures of pathological knowledge; +whilst to the riper student all this resolves itself into the truth, that +three draughts, or one mixture, are respectively worth four-and-sixpence +or three shillings: that the patient should be encouraged to take them as +long as possible, and that the thrilling delight of ushering another +mortal into existence, after being up all night, is considerably increased +by the receipt of the tin for superintending the performance; _i.e._ if +you are lucky enough to get it. + +It is not improbable that, after a short period, the new man will write a +letter home. The substance of it will be as follows: and the reader is +requested to preserve a copy, as it may, perhaps, be compared with another +at a future period. + +"MY DEAR PARENTS,--I am happy to inform you that my health is at present +uninjured by the atmosphere of the hospital, and that I find I am making +daily progress in my studies. I have taken a lodging in ---- (Gower-place, +University-street, Little Britain, or Lant-street, as the case may be,) +for which I pay twelve shillings a week, including shoes. The mistress of +the house is a pious old lady, and I am very comfortable, with the +exception that two pupils live on the floor above me, who are continually +giving harmonic parties to their friends, and I am sometimes compelled to +request they will allow me to conclude transcribing my lecture notes in +tranquillity--a request, I am sorry to say, not often complied with. The +smoke from their pipes fills the whole house, and the other night they +knocked me up two hours after I had retired to rest, for the loan of the +jug of cold water from my washhand-stand, to make grog with, and a 'Little +Warbler,' if I had one, with the words of 'The Literary Dustman' in it. + +"Independently of these annoyances, I get on pretty well, and have already +attracted the notice of my professors, who return my salutation very +condescendingly, and tell me to look upon them rather as friends than +teachers. The students here, generally speaking, are a dissipated and +irreligious set of young men; and I can assure you I am often compelled to +listen to language that quite makes my ears tingle. I have found a very +decent washerwoman, who mends for me as well; but, unfortunately, she +washes for the house, and the initials of one of the students above me are +the same as mine, so that I find our things are gradually changing hands, +in which I have the worst, because his shirts and socks are somewhat +dilapidated, or, to speak professionally, their fibrous texture abounds in +organic lesions; and the worst is, he never finds out the error until the +end of the week, when he sends my things back, with his compliments, and +thinks the washerwoman has made a mistake. + +"I have not been to the theatres yet, nor do I feel the least wish to +enter into any of the frivolities of the great metropolis. With kind +regards to all at home, believe me, + +"Your's affectionately, + +"JOSEPH MUFF." + + * * * * * + + +"I DO ADJURE YE, ANSWER ME!" + +A valuable porcelain vase, which stood in one of the state rooms of +Windsor Castle, has been recently broken; it is suspected by design, as +the situation in which it was placed almost precludes the idea that it +could have happened by accident. A commission, called "The Flunky +Inquisition," has been appointed by Sir Robert Peel, with Sibthorp at its +head, to inquire into the affair. The gallant Colonel declares that he has +personally cross-examined all the housemaids, but that he has hitherto +been unable to obtain a satisfactory solution of + +[Illustration: THE GREAT CHINA QUESTION.] + + * * * * * + + +LIKE MASTER LIKE MAN. + +SIR ROBERT PEEL'S workmen inside the House of Parliament have determined +to follow the example of the masons outside the House, if Mr. Wakley is to +be appointed their foreman. + + * * * * * + + +INQUEST EXTRAORDINARY ON A CORONER. + +Last night an inquest was held on the _Consistency_ of Thomas Wakley, +Esq., Member for Finsbury, and Coroner for Middlesex. The deceased had +been some time ailing, but his demise was at length so sudden, that it was +deemed necessary to public justice that an inquest should be taken of the +unfortunate remains. + +The inquest was held at the Vicar of Bray tap, Palace Yard; and the jury, +considering the neighbourhood, was tolerably respectable. The remains of +the deceased were in a dreadful state of decomposition; and although +chloride of lime and other antiseptic fluids were plentifully scattered in +the room, it was felt to be a service of danger to approach too closely to +the defunct. Many members of Parliament were in attendance, and all of +them, to a man, appeared very visibly shocked by the appearance of the +body. Indeed they all of them seemed to gather a great moral lesson from +the corpse. "We know not whose turn it may be next," was printed in the +largest physiognomical type in every member's countenance. + +Thomas Duncombe, Esq., Member for Finsbury, examined--Had known the +deceased for some years. Had the highest notion of the robustness of his +constitution. Would have taken any odds upon it. Deceased, however, within +these last three or four weeks had flighty intervals. Talked very much +about the fine phrenological development of Sir Robert Peel's skull. Had +suspicions of the deceased from that moment. Deceased had been carefully +watched, but to no avail. Deceased inflicted a mortal wound upon himself +on the first night of Sir Robert's premiership; and though he continued to +rally for many evenings, he sunk the night before last, after a dying +speech of twenty minutes. + +Colonel Sibthorp, Member for Lincoln, examined--Knew the deceased. Since +the accession of Sir Robert Peel to power had had many conversations with +the deceased upon the ministerial bench. Had offered snuff-box to the +deceased. Deceased did not snuff. Deceased had said that he thought +witness a man of high parliamentary genius, and that Sir Robert Peel ought +to have made him (witness) either Lord Chamberlain or Chancellor of the +Exchequer. In every other respect, deceased behaved himself quite +rationally. + +There were at least twenty other witnesses--Members of the House of +Commons--in attendance to be examined; but the Coroner put it to the jury +whether they had not heard enough? + +The jury assented, and immediately returned a verdict--_Felo de se_. + +N.B. A member for Finsbury wanted next dissolution. + + * * * * * + + +A CURIOUS ERROR. + +A member of the American legislature, remarkable for his absence of mind, +exhibited a singular instance of this mental infirmity very lately. Having +to present a petition to the house, he presented _himself_ instead, and +did not discover his mistake until he was + +[Illustration: ORDERED TO LIE ON THE TABLE.] + + * * * * * + +SIR ROBERT PEEL (LOQUITUR). + + + When erst the Whigs were in, and I was out, + I knew exactly what to be about; + Then all I had to do, through thick and thin, + Was but to get them out, and Bobby in. + + And now that I am in, and they are out, + The only thing that I can be about + Is to do nothing; but, through thick and thin, + Contrive to keep them out, and Bobby in. + + * * * * * + + +SONGS FOR THE SEEDY.--No. 3. + + Oh! think not all who call thee fair + Are in their honied words sincere; + And if they offer jewels rare, + Lend not too readily thine ear. + The humble ring I lately gave + May be despised by thee--well, let it; + But Mary, when I'm in my grave, + Think that I pawn'd my watch to get it. + + Others may talk of feasts of love, + And banqueting upon thy charms; + But did not I devotion prove, + Last Sunday, at the Stanhope Arms? + My rival order'd tea for four, + The waiter at his bidding laid it; + He generously _ran_ the score, + But, Mary, I did more,--_I paid it_. + + I know he's dashing, bold, and free, + A front of Jove, an eye of fire; + But should he say he loves like me, + I'd, like Apollo, _strike the lyre_. + He says, he at your feet will throw + His all; and, if his vows are steady, + He cannot equal me--for, oh! + I've given you all I had, already. + + Mary, I had a second suit + Of clothes, of which the coat was braided; + Mary, they went to buy that flute + With which I thee have serenaded. + Mary, I had a beaver hat, + Than this I wear a great deal better; + Mary, I've parted too with that, + For pens, ink, paper--for this letter. + + * * * * * + + +PRIVATE CORRESPONDENCE. + +Dear PUNCH,--Will you inform me whether the review of the troops noticed +in last Saturday's _Times_, is to be found in the "Edinborough," +"Westminster," or "Quarterly." + +Yours, in all mayoralties, +PETER LAURIE. + +P.S.--What do they mean by + +[Illustration: SALUTING A FLAG?] + + * * * * * + + +"GO ALONG, BOB." + +Sir Bobby Peel, who, before he got into harness, professed himself able to +draw the Government truck "like bricks," has changed his note since he has +been put to the trial, and he is now bawling lustily--"Don't hurry me, +please--give me a little time." Wakley, seeing the pitiable condition of +the unfortunate animal, volunteered his services to push behind, and the +Chartist and Tory may now be seen every night in St. Stephen's, working +cordially together, and exhibiting an illustration of the benefits of a + +[Illustration: DIVISION OF LABOUR.] + + * * * * * + + +CONS BY OUR OWN COLONEL. + +Why is a loud laugh in the House of Commons like Napoleon +Buonaparte?--Because it's an _M.P. roar_ (an Emperor). + +Why is a person getting rheumatic like one locking a +cupboard-door?--Because he's turning _achy_ (a key). + +Why is one-and-sixpence like an aversion to coppers?--Because it's _hating +pence_ (eighteen-pence). + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH'S THEATRE. + +DIE HEXEN AM RHEIN; OR, RUDOLPH OF HAPSBURGH. + +Mysterious are thy ways, O Yates! Thou art the only true melodramatist of +the stage and off the stage! When a new demonology is compiled thou shalt +have an honourable place in it. Thou shall be worshipped as the demon of +novelty, even by the "gods" themselves. Thy deeds shall be recorded in +history. It shall not be forgotten that thou wert the importer of +Mademoiselle Djeck, the tame elephant; of Monsieur Bohain, the gigantic +Irishman; and of Signor Hervi o'Nano, the Cockneyan-Italian dwarf. Never +should we have seen the Bayaderes but for you; nor T.P. Cooke in "The +Pilot," nor the Bedouin Arabs, nor "The Wreck Ashore," nor "bathing and +sporting" nymphs, nor other dramatic delicacies. Truly, thou art the +luckiest of managers; for all thy efforts succeed, whether they deserve it +or not. Sometimes thou drawest up an army of scene-painters, mechanists, +dancers, monsters, dwarfs, devils, fire-works, and water-spouts, in +terrible array against common sense. Yet lo! thou dost conquer! Thy pieces +never miss fire; they go on well with the public, and favourable are the +press reports. Wert thou a Catholic thou wouldest be canonised; for evil +spirits are thy passion; the Vatican itself cannot produce a more +indefatigable "devils' advocate!" + +The repast now provided by Mr. Yates for those who are fond of "supping +full of horrors" is a devilled drama, interspersed with hydraulics-- +consisting, in fact, of spirits and water, sweetened with songs and spiced +with witches. It is, we are informed by the official announcements, "a +romantic burletta of witchcraft, in two acts, and a prologue, with +entirely new scenery, dresses, and peculiar appointments, _imagined_ by, +and introduced under the direction of, Mr. Yates." Now, any person, +entirely unprejudiced with a taste for devilry and free from hydrophobia, +who sees this production, must have an unbounded opinion of the manager's +imagination,--what a head he must have for aquatic effects! In vain we +look around for its parallel--nothing but the New River head suggests +itself. + +But our preface is detaining us from the "prologue;" the first words in +which stamp the entire production with originality. Assassins, who let +themselves out by the job, have long been pleasantly employed in +melodramas, being mostly enacted by performers in the heavy line; but the +author of "Die Hexen am Rhein" introduces a character hitherto unknown to +the stage; namely, the _comic_ cut-throat. Messieurs _Gabor_ and +_Wolfstein_, (played by Mr. Wright, and the immortal _Geoffery Muffincap_, +Mr. Wilkinson), treat us with a dialogue concerning the blowing out of +brains, and the incision of weasands, which is conceived and delivered +with the broadest humour, enlivened by the choicest of jokes. They have, +we learn, been lately commissioned by _Ottocar_ to murder _Rudolph_, the +exiled Duke of Hapsburgh, who is to pass that way; but he does not come, +because his kind kinsman, _Ottocar_, must have time to consult the +god-fathers and god-mothers of the piece, or "Witches of the Rhine;" which +he does in the "storm-reft hut of Zabaren." This _Zabaren_ is a hospitable +gentleman, who sings a good song, sees much company, and is played by that +convivial genius Paul Bedford. _Ottocar_ is introduced amongst other +friends to a "speaking spirit," who, being personated by Miss Terrey, +utters a terrible prediction. We could not quite make out the purport of +this augury; nor were we much grieved at the loss; feeling assured that +the next two acts would be occupied in fulfilling it. The funny bravoes +present themselves in the next scene, and exit to stab one of two +brothers, who goes off evidently for that purpose, judiciously coming back +to die in the arms of _Count Rudolph_, for whom he has been mistaken. +Under such circumstances it is but fair that the prince should repay the +obligation he owes his friend for being killed in his stead, by promising +protection to the widow and child. The oath he takes would be doubly +binding (for he promises to become a brother to the wife, and not content +with thus making himself the child's uncle, swears to be his father too), +if the husband did not die before he has had time to utter his wife's +name. All these affairs having been settled, the prologue--which used to +be called the first act--ends. + +Fifteen years are supposed to elapse before the curtain is again rolled +up; and that this allusion may be rendered the more perfect, the audience +is kept waiting about three times fifteen minutes, to amuse one another +during the _entr'acte_. We next learn that _Rudolph_ is seated upon his +ducal throne, fortunate in the possession of a paragon-wife, and a steward +of the household not to be equalled--no other than _Ottocar_--that +particular friend, who, in the prologue, tried to get a finis put to his +mortal career. The jocose ruffians here enliven the scene--one by being +cast into a dungeon for asking _Ottocar_ (evidently the Colburn of his +day), an exorbitant price for the copyright of a certain manuscript; the +other, by calling the courtier a man of genius, and being taken into his +service, as no doubt, "first robber." To support this character, a change +of apparel is necessary: and no wonder, for _Wolfstein_ has on precisely +the same clothes he wore fifteen years before. + +His first job is to steal a casket; but is declined, probably, because +_Wolfstein_, being a professor of the capital crime, considers mere +larceny _infra dig_. A "second robber" must therefore be hired, and +_Ottocar_ has one already preserved in the castle dungeons, in the person +of a dumb prisoner. Dummy comes on, and the auditors at once recognise the +"brother" who was not murdered in the prologue. He steals the casket, and +_Ottocar_ steals off. + +The duke and duchess next enter into a dialogue, the subject of which is +one _Wilhelm_, a young standard-bearer, who appears; and having said a few +words exits, that _Ida_, the duchess, might inform us, in a soliloquy, +what we have already shrewdly suspected, namely--that the ensign is her +son; another presentiment comes into one's mind, which one don't think it +fair to the author and his story to entertain till the proper time. A sort +of secret interview between the mother and son now takes place, which ends +by the imprisonment of the latter; why is not explained at the moment; +nor, indeed, till the next scene, when it is quite apparent; for if one +sees an impregnable castle, rigidly guarded by supernumeraries, with an +impassable river, bristling with _chevaux-de-frise_ it is impossible to +get over, and a moat that it would be death to cross, a prison-escape may +be surely calculated upon. In the present instance, this formulary is not +omitted, for _Wilhelm_ jumps into the river from a bridge which he has +contrived to reach. Though several shots are fired into the tank of water +that represents the Rhine, there is no hissing; on the contrary, the +second act ends amidst general applause; which indeed it deserves, for the +scenery is magnificent. + +"The Ancient Arch in the Black Forest," is a sort of house of call for +witches, and it being seen during their merry-making, or holiday, is +rendered more picturesque by the _Devil's_ "Ha, ha!" The hospitable +_Zabaren_ entertains hundreds of witches, of all sorts and sizes, who +dance all manner of country-dances, and sing a series of songs and +choruses, in which the "Ha! ha!" is again conspicuously introduced. It +seems that German witches not only ride upon brooms, but sweep with them; +and a company of supernatural Jack Rags perform sundry gyrations +peculiarly interesting to housemaids. After about an hour's dancing, the +witches being naturally "blown," are just in cue for leaving off with an +airy dance called the "witches' whirlwind." + +This episode over, the plot goes on. _Ottocar_ accuses _Ida_ of infidelity +with _Wilhelm_ to the duke; she, in explanation, fulfils the presentiment +we had some delicacy in hinting too soon--that she is the wife of the man +who was killed in the prologue; _Rudolph_ having married her in ignorance +of that fact, and by a coincidence which, though intensely melo-dramatic, +every body foresees who has ever been three times to the Adelphi theatre. + +To describe the last scene would be the height of presumption in PUNCH. +Nobody but "Satan" Montgomery, or the Adelphi play-bill, is equal to the +task. We quote, as preferable, the latter authority:--"Grand inauguration +of _Wilhelm_, the rightful heir. CORAL CAVES and CRYSTAL STREAMS: these +are actually obtained by a HYDRO-SCENIC EFFECT! As the usual area devoted +to illusion becomes a reality!" + +Besides all this, which simply means "real water," there is a _Neptune_ in +a car drawn by three sea or ichthyological horses, having fins and web +feet. There is a devil that is seen through the whole piece, because he is +supposed to be invisible (cleverly played by Mr. Wieland), and who having +dived into the water, is fished out of it, and sent flying into the flies. +This sending a devil upward, is a new way of + +[Illustration: TAKING OFF THE DARK GENTLEMAN.] + +Being dripping wet, the demon in his ascent seriously incommodes +_Neptune_; who, not being used to the water, looks about in great +distress, evidently for an umbrella. After several glares of several +coloured fires, the curtain falls. + +Seriously, the scenic effects of this piece do great credit to Mr. Yates's +"imagination," and to the handiwork of his "own peculiar artists." It is +very proper that they should be immortalised in the advertisements; by +which the public are informed that the scenery is by Pitt, (where is +Tomkins?) and others: the machinery by Mr. Hayley, and the _lightning_ by +the direction of Mr. Outhwaite! Bat will the public be satisfied with such +scanty information? Who, they will ask the manager, rolls the thunder? who +supplies the coloured fires? who flashes the lightning? who beats the +gong? who grinds up the curtain? Let Mr. Yates be speedy in relieving the +breathless curiosity of his patrons on these points, or look to his +benches. + + * * * * * + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +1, October 9, 1841, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14931-8.txt or 14931-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/9/3/14931/ + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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October 9, 1841.</title> + +<style type="text/css"> +/*<![CDATA[*/ + +<!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 15%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + ul {list-style-type:none;} + .note {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left:4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left:5em;} + p.cen {text-align:center;} + p.rgt {text-align:right;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} +.figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img {border: none;} +.figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} +.figcenter>p {text-align:center;} +.figcenter {margin: auto;} +.figright {float: right; width:25%;} +.figleft, .dropcap {float: left;width:25%;} + span.sidenote {position: absolute; right: 1%; left: 87%; font-size: .7em;text-align:left;text-indent:0em;} + sup{font-size:.7em;} + span.sc {font-variant:small-caps;} + span.emph {font-size:125%;font-weight:bolder;} + a:link{text-decoration:none;} +.hide {display: none;} + --> +/*]]>*/ +</style> +</head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, +October 9, 1841, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, October 9, 1841 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14931] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + +</pre> + +<h1>PUNCH,<br /> +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> +<h2>VOL. 1.</h2> +<hr class="full" /> +<h2>OCTOBER 9, 1841.</h2> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page145" name="page145"></a>[pg +145]</span> +<h2>A MANUAL OF DENOUEMENTS.</h2> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>“In the king’s name,</p> +<p>Let fall your swords and daggers.”—CRITIC.</p> +</div> +</div> +<div class="dropcap"><a href="images/013-01.png"><img src= +"images/013-01.png" alt= +"A hunter with a rifle in front of two leaning trees forms a letter A." +id="img013-01" name="img013-01" width="100%" /></a></div> +<p><span class="hide">A</span> melo-drama is a theatrical dose in +two or three acts, according to the strength of the constitution of +the audience. Its component parts are a villain, a lover, a +heroine, a comic character, and an executioner. These having +simmered and macerated through all manner of events, are strained +off together into the last scene; and the effervescence which then +ensues is called the <em>dénouement</em>, and the +<em>dénouement</em> is the soul of the drama.</p> +<p><em>Dénouements</em> are of three kinds:—The +natural, the unnatural, and the supernatural.</p> +<p>The “natural” is achieved when no probabilities are +violated;—that is, when the circumstances are such as really +might occur—if we could only bring ourselves to think +so—as, (<em>ex. gr.</em>)</p> +<p>When the villain, being especially desirous to preserve and +secrete certain documents of vital importance to himself and to the +piece, does, most unaccountably, mislay them in the most +conspicuous part of the stage, and straightway they are found by +the very last member of the <em>dram. pers.</em> in whose hands he +would like to see them.</p> +<p>When the villain and his accomplice, congratulating each other +on the successful issue of their crimes, and dividing the spoil +thereof (which they are always careful to do in a loud voice, and +in a room full of closets), are suddenly set upon and secured by +the innocent yet suspected and condemned parties, who are at that +moment passing on their way to execution.</p> +<p>When the guiltless prisoner at the bar, being asked for his +defence, and having no witnesses to call, produces a checked +handkerchief, and subpoenas his own conscience, which has such an +effect on the villain, that he swoons, and sees demons in the +jury-box, and tells them that “he is ready,” and that +“he comes,” &c. &c.</p> +<p>When the deserter, being just about to be shot, is miraculously +saved by his mistress, who cuts the matter very fine indeed, by +rushing in between “present” and “fire;” +and, having ejaculated “a reprieve!” with all her +might, falls down, overcome by fatigue—poor dear! as well she +may—having run twenty-three miles in the changing of a scene, +and carried her baby on her arm all the blessed way, in order to +hold him up in the tableau at the end.</p> +<p>N.B.—Whenever married people rescue one another as above, +the “<em>dénouement</em>” belongs to the class +“unnatural;” which is used when the author wishes to +show the intensity of his invention—as, (<em>ex. gr.</em> +again)</p> +<p>When an old man, having been wounded fatally by a young man, +requests, as a boon, to be permitted to examine the young +man’s neck, who, accordingly unloosing his cravat, displays a +hieroglyphic neatly engraved thereon, which the old man interprets +into his being a parricide, and then dies, leaving the young man in +a state of histrionic stupor.</p> +<p>When a will is found embellished with a Daguerréotype of +four fingers and a thumb, done in blood on the cover, and it turns +out that the residuary legatee is no better than he should +be—but, on the contrary, a murderer nicely ripe for +killing.</p> +<p>The “supernatural” <em>dénouement</em> is the +last resource of a bewildered dramatist, and introduces either an +individual in green scales and wings to match, who gives the +audience to understand that he is a fiend, and that he has private +business to transact below with the villain; who, accordingly, +withdraws in his company, with many throes and groans, down the +trap.</p> +<p>Or a pale ghost in dingy lawn, apparently afflicted with a +serious haemorrhage in the bosom, who appears to a great many +people, running, in dreams; and at last joins the hands of the +young couple, and puts in a little plea of her own for a private +burial.</p> +<p>And there are many other variations of the three great classes +of <em>dénouements</em>; such as the helter-skelter +nine-times-round-the-stage-combat, and the grand +<em>mêlée</em> in which everybody kills everybody +else, and leaves the piece to be carried on by their executors; but +we dare unveil the mystery no further.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>SPORTING FACE.</h3> +<p>“Well,” said Roebuck to O’Connell, +“despite Peel’s double-face propensities, he is a great +genius.” “A great <em>Janus</em> indeed,” +answered the <em>liberathor</em>.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>“A RING! A RING!!”</h3> +<p>The political pugilistic scrimmage which recently took place in +the House of Congress so completely coincides with the views and +propensities of the “universal scrimmage” member for +Bath, that he intends making a motion for the erection of a +twenty-four-foot-ring on the floor of the House, for the benefit of +opposition members. The Speaker, says Roebuck, will, in that case, +be enabled to ascertain whether the “noes” or +“ayes” have it, without tellers.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<h2>PUNCH’S GUIDE TO THE WATERING PLACES.—No. 1.</h2> +<h3>BRIGHTON</h3> +<p>If you are either in a great hurry, or tired of life, book +yourself by the Brighton railroad, and you are ensured one of two +things—arrival in two hours, or destruction by that rapid +process known in America as “immortal smash,” which +brings you to the end of your journey before you get to the +terminus. Should you fortunately meet with the former result, and +finish your trip without ending your mortal career, you find the +place beset with cads and omnibuses, which are very convenient; for +if your hotel or boarding-house be at the extremity of the town, +you would have to walk at least half a mile but for such vehicles, +and they only charge sixpence, with the additional advantage of the +great chance of your luggage being lost. If you be a married man, +you will go to an hotel where you can get a bed for half-a-guinea a +night, provided you do not want it warmed, and use your own soap; +but it is five shillings extra if you do. Should you be a bachelor, +or an old maid, you, of course, put up at a boarding-house, where +you see a great deal of good society at two guineas a week; for +every third man is a captain, and every fifth woman “my +lady.” There, too, you observe a continual round of courtship +going on; for it comes in with the coffee, and continues during +every meal. “Marriages,” it is said, “are made in +heaven”—good matches are always got up at meal-times in +Brighton boarding-houses.</p> +<p>Brighton is decidedly a fishing-town, for besides the quantity +of John Dorys caught there, it is a celebrated place for pursey +half-pay officers to angle in for rich widows. The bait they +generally use consists of dyed whiskers, and a distant relationship +to some of the “gentles” or nobles of the land. The +town itself is built upon <em>the downs</em>—a series of +hills, which those in the habit of walking over them are apt to +call “ups and downs.” It consists entirely of hotels, +boarding-houses, and bathing-machines, with a pavilion and a +chain-pier. The amusements are various, and of a highly +intellectual character: the chief of them being a walk from the +esplanade to the east cliff, and a promenade back again from the +east cliff to the esplanade. Donkey-races are in full vogue, +insomuch that the highways are thronged with interesting animals, +decorated with serge-trappings and safety-saddles, and interspersed +with goat-carts and hired flys. There is a library, where the +visiters do everything but read; and a theatre, where—as +Charles Kean is now playing there—they do anything but act. +The ladies seem to take great delight in the sea-bath, and that +they may enjoy the luxury in the most secluded privacy, the +machines are placed as near to the pier as possible. This is always +crowded with men, who, by the aid of opera glasses, find it a +pleasing pastime to watch the movements of the delicate Naiads who +crowd the waters.</p> +<p>Those to whom Brighton is recommended for change of air and of +scene get sadly taken in, for here the air—like that of a +barrel-organ—never changes, as the wind is always high. In +sunshine, Brighton always looks hot; in moonshine, eternally +dreary; the men are yawning all day long, and the women sitting +smirking in bay-windows, or walking with puppy-dogs and parasols, +which last they are continually opening and shutting. In short, +when a man is sick of the world, or a maiden of forty-five has been +so often crossed in love as to be obliged to leave off hoping +against hope, Brighton is an excellent place to prepare him or her +for a final retirement from life—whether that is contemplated +in the Queen’s Bench, a convent, a residence among the Welsh +mountains, or the monastery of La Trappe, a month’s probation +in Brighton, at the height of the season, being well calculated to +make any such change not only endurable, but agreeable.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>CUSTOM-HOUSE SALE. LOT 1.—A PORT.</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>For sale, Thorwaldsen’s Byron, rich in beauty,</p> +<p>Because his country owes, and will not pay, +“duty.”</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page146" name="page146"></a>[pg +146]</span> +<h2>THE HEIR OF APPLEBITE.</h2> +<h3>CHAPTER VI.</h3> +<h4>TREATS OF CHALK-AND-QUA-DRILL-OGY.</h4> +<div class="dropcap"><a href="images/013-02.png"><img src= +"images/013-02.png" alt= +"A shepherd sits under a tree, forming a letter E." id="img013-02" +name="img013-02" width="100%" /></a></div> +<p><span class="hide">E</span>ntirely disgusted with his +unsuccessful appeal to the enlightened British public assembled in +the front of his residence, and which had produced effects so +contrary to what he had conceived would be the result, Agamemnon +called a committee of his household, to determine on the most +advisable proceedings to be adopted for remedying the evils +resulting from the unexpected pyrotechnic display of the morning. +The carpet was spoiled—the house was impregnated with the +sooty effluvia, and the company was expected to arrive at nine +o’clock. What was to be done? Betty suggested the burning of +brown paper and scrubbing the carpet; John, assafœtida and +sawdust; Mrs. Waddledot, pastilles and chalking the floor. As the +latter remedies seemed most compatible with the gentility of their +expected visiters, immediate measures were taken for carrying them +into effect. A dozen cheese-plates were disposed upon the stairs, +each furnished with little pyramids of fragrance; old John, who was +troubled with an asthma, was deputed to superintend them, and +nearly coughed himself into a fit of apoplexy in the strenuous +discharge of his duty.</p> +<p>Whilst these in-door remedial appliances were in progress, +Agamemnon was hurrying about in a hack cab to discover a designer +in chalk, and at length was fortunate enough to secure the +“own artist” of the celebrated “Crown and +Anchor.” Mr. Smear was a shrewd man, as well as an excellent +artist; and when he perceived the very peculiar position of things, +he forcibly enumerated all the difficulties which presented +themselves, and which could only be surmounted by a large increase +of remuneration.</p> +<p>“You see, sir,” said Mr. Smear, “that wherever +that ere water <em>has</em> been it’s left a dampness ahind +it; the moistur’ consekent upon such a dampness must be +evaporated by ever-so-many applications of the warming-pan. The +steam which a rises from this hoperation, combined with the extra +hart required to hide them two black spots in the middle, will make +the job come to one-pund-one, independently of the +chalk.”</p> +<p>Agamemnon had nothing left but compliance with Mr. Smear’s +demand; and one warming and three stew-pans, filled with live +coals, were soon engaged in what Mr. Smear called the +“ewaporating department.” As soon as the boards were +sufficiently dry, Mr. Smear commenced operations. In each of the +four corners of the room he described the diagram of a coral and +bells, connecting them with each other by graceful festoons of +blue-chalk ribbon tied in large true-lover’s knots in the +centre. Having thus completed a frame, he proceeded, after sundry +contortions of the facial muscles, to the execution of the great +design. Having described an ellipse of red chalk, he tastefully +inserted within it a perfect representation of the interior of an +infant’s mouth in an early stage of dentition, whilst a +graceful letter <em>A</em> seemed to keep the gums apart to allow +of this artistical exhibition. Proudly did Mr. Smear cast his small +grey eyes on Agamemnon, and challenge him, as it were, to a +laudatory acknowledgment of his genius; but as his patron remained +silent, Mr. Smear determined to speak out.</p> +<p>“Hart has done her best—language must do the rest. I +am now only awaiting for the motter. What shall I say, +sir?”</p> +<p>“‘Welcome’ is as good as anything, in my +opinion,” replied Collumpsion.</p> +<p>“Welcome!” ejaculated Smear: “a servile +himitation of a general ’lumination idea, sir. We must be +original. Will you leave it to me?”</p> +<p>“Willingly,” said Agamemnon. And with many inward +protestations against parties in general and his own in particular, +he left Mr. Smear and his imagination together.</p> +<p>The great artist in chalk paced the room for some minutes, and +then slapped his left thigh, in confirmation of the existence of +some brilliant idea. The result was soon made apparent on the +boards of the drawing-room, where the following inscription +attested the immensity of Smear’s genius—</p> +<p class="cen">"PARTAKE<br /> +OF<br /> +OUR<br /> +DENTAL DELIGHT."</p> +<p>The guinea was instantly paid; but Collumpsion was for a length +of time in a state of uncertainty as to whether Mr. Smear’s +talents were ornamental or disfigurative. Nine o’clock +arrived, and with it a rumble of vehicles, and an agitation of +knocker, that were extremely exhilarating to the heretofore +exhausted and distressed family at 24.</p> +<p>We shall not attempt to particularise the arrivals, as they were +precisely the same set as our readers have invariably met at routs +of the second class for these last five years. There was the young +gentleman in an orange waistcoat, bilious complexion, and hair +<em>à la Petrarch</em>, only gingered; and so also were the +two Misses ——, in blue gauze, looped up with +coral,—and that fair-haired girl who “detethted +therry,” and those black eyes, whose lustrous beauty made +such havoc among the untenanted hearts of the youthful +beaux;—but, reader, you <em>must</em> know the set that +<em>must</em> have visited the Applebites.</p> +<p>All went “merry as a marriage bell,” and we feel +that we cannot do better than assist future commentators by giving +a minute analysis of a word which so frequently occurs in the +fashionable literature of the present day that doubtlessly in after +time many anxious inquiries and curious conjectures would be +occasioned, but for the service we are about to confer on posterity +(for the pages of PUNCH are immortal) by a description of</p> +<h5>A QUADRILLE:</h5> +<p>which is a dance particularly fashionable in the nineteenth +century. In order to render our details perspicuous and lucid, we +will suppose—</p> +<ol type="1"> +<li>—A gentleman in tight pantaloons and a tip.</li> +<li>—Ditto in loose ditto, and a camellia japonica in the +button-hole of his coat.</li> +<li>—Ditto in a crimson waistcoat, and a pendulating +eye-glass.</li> +<li>—Ditto in violent wristbands, and an alarming eruption of +buttons.</li> +</ol> +<h6>ALSO,</h6> +<ol type="1"> +<li>—A young lady in pink-gauze and freckles.</li> +<li>—Ditto in book-muslin and marabouts.</li> +<li>—Ditto with blonde and a slight cast.</li> +<li>—Ditto in her 24th year, and black satin.</li> +</ol> +<p>The four gentlemen present themselves to the four ladies, and +having smirked and “begged the honour,” the four pairs +take their station in the room in the following order:</p> +<table summary="quadrille setting" style="width:80%;margin:auto;"> +<tr> +<td></td> +<td style="text-align:center;">The tip and the freckles.</td> +<td></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td style="text-align:center;">The camelia japonica, and the +marabouts.</td> +<td></td> +<td style="text-align:center;">The crimson waistcoat, and the +slight cast.</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td></td> +<td style="text-align:center;">The violent wristbands and the black +satin.</td> +<td></td> +</tr> +</table> +<p>During eight bars of music, tip, crimson, camellia, and +wristbands, bow to freckles, slight cast, marabouts, and black +satin, who curtsey in return, and then commence</p> +<h5>LA PANTALON,</h5> +<p>by performing an intersecting figure that brings all parties +exactly where they were; which joyous circumstance is celebrated by +bobbing for four bars opposite to each other, and then indulging in +a universal twirl which apparently offends the ladies, who seize +hold of each other’s hands only to leave go again, and be +twirled round by the opposite gentleman, who, having secured his +partner, promenades her half round to celebrate his victory, and +then returns to his place with his partner, performing a similar +in-and-out movement as that which commenced <em>la +Pantalon</em>.</p> +<h5>L’ETE</h5> +<p>is a much more respectful operation. Referring to our previous +arrangement, wristbands and freckles would advance and +retire—then they would take two hops and a jump to the right, +then two hops and a jump to the left—then cross over, and +there hop and jump the same number of times and come back again, +and having celebrated their return by bobbing for four bars, they +twirl their partners again, and commence</p> +<h5>LA POULE.</h5> +<p>The crimson waistcoat and marabouts would shake hands with their +right, and then cross over, and having shaken hands again with the +left, come back again. They then would invite the camellia and the +slight cast to join them, and perform a kind of wild Indian dance +“all of a row.” After which they all walk to the sides +they have no business upon, and then crimson runs round marabout, +and taking his partner’s hand, <em>i.e.</em>, the slight +cast, introduces her to camellia and marabout, as though they had +never met before. This introduction is evidently disagreeable, for +they instantly retire, and then rush past each other, as furiously +as they can, to their respective places.</p> +<h5>LA TRENISE</h5> +<p>is evidently intended to “trot out” the dancers. +Freckles and black satin shake hands as they did in <em>la +Pantalon</em>, and then freckles trots tip out <span class= +"pagenum"><a id="page147" name="page147"></a>[pg 147]</span>twice, +and crosses over to the opposite side to have a good look at him; +having satisfied her curiosity, she then, in company with black +satin, crosses over to have a stare at the violent wristbands, in +contrast with tip who wriggles over, and join him, and then, +without saying a word to each other, bob, and are twirled as in +<em>l’Eté</em>.</p> +<h5>LA PASTORALE</h5> +<p>seems to be an inversion of <em>la Trenise</em>, except that in +nineteen cases out of twenty, the waistcoat, tip, camellia and +wristbands, seem to undergo intense mental torture; for if there be +such a thing as “poetry of motion,” <em>pastorale</em> +must be the “Inferno of Dancing.”</p> +<h5>LA FINALE</h5> +<p>commences with a circular riot, which leads to +<em>l’Eté</em>. The ladies then join hands, and +endeavour to imitate the graceful evolutions of a windmill, +occasionally grinding the corns of their partners, who frantically +rush in with the quixotic intention of stopping them. A general +shuffling about then takes place, which terminates in a bow, a bob, +and “allow me to offer you some refreshment.”</p> +<p><em>Malheureux!</em> we have devoted so much space to the +quadrille, that we have left none for the supper, which being a +cold one, will keep till next week.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<h2>THE GENTLEMAN’S OWN BOOK.</h2> +<p>We are ashamed to ask our readers to refer to our last article +under the title of the “Gentleman’s Own Book,” +for the length of time which has elapsed almost accuses us of +disinclination for our task, or weariness in catering for the +amusement of our subscribers. But September—September, with +all its allurements of flood and field—its gathering of +honest old friends—its tales of by-gone seasons, and its +glorious promises of the present—must plead our apology for +abandoning our pen and rushing back to old associations, which +haunt us like</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/013-03.png"><img src= +"images/013-03.png" alt= +"A woman with a bundle of sticks and two contrite-looking children." +id="img013-03" name="img013-03" width="50%" /></a> +<p>THE SPELLS OF CHILDHOOD.</p> +</div> +<p>We know that we are forgiven, so shall proceed at once to the +consideration of the ornaments and pathology of coats.</p> +<h3>THE ORNAMENTS</h3> +<p>are those parts of the external decorations which are intended +either to embellish the person or garment, or to notify the +pecuniary superiority of the wearer. Amongst the former are to be +included buttons, braids, and mustachios; amongst the latter, +chains, rings, studs, canes, watches, and above all, those pocket +talismans, purses. There are also riding-whips and spurs, which may +be considered as <em>implying</em> the possession of quadrupedal +property.</p> +<p><em>Of Buttons</em>.—In these days of +innovation—when Brummagem button-makers affect a taste and +elaboration of design—a true gentleman should be most careful +in the selection of this <em>dulce et utile</em> contrivance. +Buttons which resemble gilt acidulated drops, or ratafia cakes, or +those which are illustrative of the national emblems—the +rose, shamrock, and thistle tied together like a bunch of faded +watercresses, or those which are commemorative of coronations, +royal marriages, births, and christenings, chartist liberations, +the success of liberal measures, and such like occasions, or those +which would serve for vignettes for the <em>Sporting Magazine</em>, +or those which at a distance bear some resemblance to the royal +arms, but which, upon closer inspection, prove to be bunches of +endive, surmounted by a crown which the Herald’s College does +not recognise, or those which have certain letters upon them, as +the initials of clubs which are never heard of in St. +James’s, as the U.S.C.—the Universal Shopmen’s +Club; T.Y.C.—the Young Tailors’ Club; L.S.D.—the +Linen Drapers’ Society—and the like. All these are to +be fashionably eschewed. The regimental, the various hunts, the +yacht clubs, and the basket pattern, are the only buttons of +Birmingham birth which can be allowed to associate with the +button-holes of a gentleman.</p> +<p>The restrictions on silk buttons are confined chiefly to +magnitude. They must not be so large as an opera ticket, nor so +small as a silver penny.</p> +<p><em>Of Braids</em>.—This ornament, when worn in the +street, is patronised exclusively by Polish refugees, theatrical +Jews, opera-dancers, and boarding-house fortune-hunters.</p> +<p><em>Of Mustachios</em>.—The mustachio depends for its +effect entirely upon its adaptation to the expression of the +features of the wearer. The small, or <em>moustache à la +chinoise</em>, should only appear in conjunction with Tussaud, or +waxwork complexions, and then only provided the teeth are +excellent; for should the dental conformation be of the same tint, +the mustachios would only provoke observation. The German, or full +hearth-brush, should be associated with what Mr. Ducrow would +designate a “cream,” and everybody else a drab +countenance, and should never be resorted to, except in conformity +with regimental requisitions, or for the capture of an Irish widow, +as they are generally indigenous to Boulogne and the Bench, and are +known amongst tailors and that class of clothier victims as +“bad debts,” or “the insolvency +regulation,” and operate with them as an insuperable bar +to</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/013-04.png"><img src= +"images/013-04.png" alt="A heron catches a frog." id="img013-04" +name="img013-04" width="50%" /></a> +<p>PASSING A BILL.</p> +</div> +<p>The perfect, or heart-meshes, are those in which each particular +hair has its particular place, and must be of a silky texture, and +not of a bristly consistency, like a worn-out tooth-brush. Neither +must they be of a bright red, bearing a striking resemblance to two +young spring radishes.</p> +<p>The <em>barbe au bonc</em>, or <em>Muntzian fringe</em>, should +only be worn when a gentleman is desirous of obtaining notoriety, +and prefers trusting to his external embellishments in preference +to his intellectual acquirements.</p> +<p><em>On Tips</em>.—Tips are an abomination to which no +gentleman can lend his countenance. They are a shabby and mangy +compromise for mustachios, and are principally sported by the genus +of clerks, who, having strong hirsute predilections, small +salaries, and sober-minded masters, hang a tassel on the chin +instead of a vallance on the upper lip.</p> +<p>Our space warns us to conclude, and, as a fortnight’s +indolence is not the strongest stimulant to exertion, we willingly +drop our pen, and taking the hint and a cigar, indulge in a +voluminous cloud, and a lusty</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/013-05.png"><img src= +"images/013-05.png" alt= +"A horse pulls a carriage with a musical band in it." id= +"img013-05" name="img013-05" width="60%" /></a> +<p>CARMEN TRIUMPHALE.</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>“HABIT IS SECOND NATURE.”</h3> +<p>FEARGUS O’CONNOR always attends public meetings, dressed +in a complete suit of fustian. He could not select a better emblem +of his writings in the <em>Northern Star</em>, than the material he +has chosen for his habiliments.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>“THE SUBSTANCE AND THE SHADOW.”</h3> +<p>We understand that Sir Robert Peel has sent for the fasting man, +with the intention of seeing how far his system may be acted upon +for <em>the relief</em> of the community.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page148" name="page148"></a>[pg +148]</span> +<h2>“SAY IT WAS ME.”</h2> +<p>“Jem! you rascal, get up! get up, and be hanged to you, +sir; don’t you hear somebody hammering and pelting away at +the street-door knocker, like the ghost of a dead postman with a +tertian ague! Open it! see what’s the matter, will +you?”</p> +<p>“Yes, sir!” responded the tame tiger of the excited +and highly respectable Adolphus Casay, shiveringly emerging from +beneath the bed-clothes he had diligently wrapped round his aching +head, to deaden the incessant clamour of the iron which was +entering into the soul of his sleep. A hastily-performed toilet, in +which the more established method of encasing the lower man with +the front of the garment to the front of the wearer, was curiously +reversed, and the capture of the left slipper, which, as the +weakest goes to the wall, the right foot had thrust itself into, +was scarcely effected, ere another series of knocks at the door, +and batch of invectives from Mr. Adolphus Casay, hurried the +partial sacrificer to the Graces, at a Derby pace, over the cold +stone staircase, to discover the cause of the confounded uproar. +The door was opened—a confused jumble of unintelligible +mutterings aggravated the eager ears of the shivering Adolphus. +Losing all patience, he exclaimed, in a tone of thunder—</p> +<p>“What is it, you villain? Can’t you +speak?”</p> +<p>“Yes, sir, in course I can.”</p> +<p>“Then why don’t you, you imp of mischief?”</p> +<p>“I’m a-going to.”</p> +<p>“Do it at once—let me know the worst. Is it fire, +murder, or thieves?”</p> +<p>“Neither, sir; it’s A1, with a dark +lantern.”</p> +<p>“What, in the name of persecution and the new police, does +A1, with a dark lantern, want with me?”</p> +<p>“Please, sir, Mr. Brown Bunkem has give him +half-a-crown.”</p> +<p>“Well, you little ruffian, what’s that to +me?”</p> +<p>“Why, sir, he guv it him to come here, and ask +you—”</p> +<p>Here policeman A1, with the dark lantern, took up the +conversation.</p> +<p>“Jist to step down to the station-’us, and bail him +therefrom—”</p> +<p>“For what!”</p> +<p>“Being werry drunk—uncommon overcome, +surely—and oudacious obstropelous.” continued the +alphabetically and numerically-distinguished conservator of the +public peace.</p> +<p>“How did he get there?”</p> +<p>“On a werry heavily-laden stretcher.”</p> +<p>“The deuce take the mad fool,” muttered the +disturbed housekeeper; then added, in a louder tone, “Ask the +policeman in, and request him to take—”</p> +<p>“Anything you please, sir; it is rather a cold night, but +as we’re all in a hurry, suppose it’s something short, +sir.”</p> +<p>Now the original proposition, commencing with the word +“take,” was meant by its propounder to achieve its +climax in “a seat on one of the hall chairs;” but the +liquid inferences of A1, with a dark lantern, had the desired +effect, and induced a command from Mr. Adolphus Casay to the small +essential essence of condensed valetanism in the person of Jim +Pipkin, to produce the case-bottles for the discussion of the said +A1, with the dark lantern, who gained considerably in the good +opinion of Mr. James Pipkin, by requesting the favour of his +company in the bibacious avocation he so much delighted in.</p> +<p>A1 having expressed a decided conviction that, anywhere but on +the collar of his coat, or the date of monthly imprisonments, his +distinguishing number was the most unpleasant and unsocial of the +whole multiplication table, further proceeded to illustrate his +remarks by proposing glasses two and three, to the great delight +and inebriation of the small James Pipkin, who was suddenly aroused +from a dreamy contemplation of two policemen, and increased service +of case-bottles and liquor-glasses, by a sound box on the ear, and +a stern command to retire to his own proper dormitory—the one +coming from the hand, the other from the lips, of his annoyed +master, who then and there departed, under the guidance of A1, with +the dark lantern. After passing various lanes and weary ways, the +station was reached, and there, in the full plenitude of glorious +drunkenness, lay his friend, the identical Mr. Brown Bunkem, who, +in the emphatic words of the inspector, was declared to be +“just about as far gone as any gentleman’s son need +wish to be.”</p> +<p>“What’s the charge?” commenced Mr. Adolphus +Casay.</p> +<p>“Eleven shillings a bottle.—Take it out +o’that, and d—n the expense,” interposed and +hiccoughed the overtaken Brown Bunkem.</p> +<p>“Drunk, disorderly, and very abusive,” read the +inspector.</p> +<p>“Go to blazes!” shouted Bunkem, and then commenced a +very vague edition of “God save the Queen,” which, by +some extraordinary “sliding scale,” finally developed +the last verse of “Nix my Dolly,” which again, at the +mention of the “stone jug,” flew off into a very +apocryphal version of the “Bumper of Burgundy;” the +lines “upstanding, uncovered,” appeared at once to +superinduce the opinion that greater effect would be given to his +performance by complying with both propositions. In attempting to +assume the perpendicular, Mr. Brown Bunkem was signally frustrated, +as the result was a more perfect development of his original +horizontal recumbency, assumed at the conclusion of a very vigorous +fall. To make up for this deficiency, the suggestion as to the +singer appearing uncovered, was achieved with more force than +propriety, by Mr. Brown Bunkem’s nearly displacing several of +the inspector’s front teeth, by a blow from his +violently-hurled hat at the head of that respectable +functionary.</p> +<p>What would have followed, it is impossible to say; but at this +moment Mr. Adolphus Casay’s bail was accepted, he being duly +bound down, in the sum of twenty pounds, to produce Mr. Brown +Bunkem at the magistrate’s office by eleven o’clock of +the following forenoon. This being settled, in spite of a vigorous +opposition, with the assistance of five half-crowns, four +policemen, the driver of, and hackney-coach No. 3141, Mr. Brown +Bunkem was conveyed to his own proper lodgings, and there left, +with one boot and a splitting headache, to do duty for a +counterpane, he vehemently opposing every attempt to make him a +deposit between the sheets.—Seven o’clock on the +following morning found Mr. Adolphus Casay at the bedside of the +violently-snoring and stupidly obfuscated Brown Bunkem. In vain he +pinched, shook, shouted, and swore; inarticulate grunts and +apoplectic denunciations against the disturber of his rest were the +only answers to his urgent appeals as to the necessity of Mr. Brown +Bunkem’s getting ready to appear before the magistrate. +Visions of contempt of court, forfeited bail, and consequent +disbursements, flitted before the mind of the agitated Mr. Adolphus +Casay. Ten o’clock came; Bunken seemed to snore the louder +and sleep the sounder. What was to be done? why, nothing but to get +up an impromptu influenza, and try his rhetoric on the presiding +magistrates of the bench.</p> +<p>Influenced by this determination, Mr. Adolphus Casay started for +that den of thieves and magistrates in the neighbourhood of +Bow-street; but Mr. Adolphus Casay’s feelings were anything +but enviable; though by no means a straitlaced man, he had an +instinctive abhorrence of anything that appeared a blackguard +transaction. Nothing but a kind wish to serve a friend would have +induced him to appear within a mile of such a wretched place; but +the thing was now unavoidable, so he put the best face he could on +the matter, made his way to the clerk of the Court, and there, in a +low whisper, began his explanation, that being “how Mr. Brown +Bunkem”—at this moment the crier shouted—</p> +<p>“Bunkem! Where’s Bunkem?”</p> +<p>“I am here!” said Mr. Adolphus Casay; “here +to”—</p> +<p>“Step inside, Bunkem,” shouted a sturdy auxiliary; +and with considerable manual exertion and remarkable agility, he +gave the unfortunate Adolphus a peculiar twist that at once +deposited him behind the bar and before the bench.</p> +<p>“I beg to state,” commenced the agitated and +innocent Adolphus.</p> +<p>“Silence, prisoner!” roared the crier.</p> +<p>“Will you allow me to say,”—again commenced +Adolphus—</p> +<p>“Hold your tongue!” vociferated P74.</p> +<p>“I must and will be heard.”</p> +<p>“Young man,” said the magistrate, laying down the +paper, “you are doing yourself no good; be quiet. Clerk, read +the charge.”</p> +<p>After some piano mumbling, the words +“drunk—abusive—disorderly—incapable—taking +care of self—stretcher—station-house—bail,” +were shouted out in the most fortissimo manner.</p> +<p>At the end of the reading, all eyes were directed to the +well-dressed and gentlemanly-looking Adolphus. He appeared to +excite universal sympathy.</p> +<p>“What have you to say, young man?”</p> +<p>“Why, your worship, the charge is true; +but”—</p> +<p>“Oh! never mind your buts. Will you ever appear in the +same situation again?”</p> +<p>“Upon my soul I won’t; but”—</p> +<p>“There, then, that will do; I like your sincerity, but +don’t swear. Pay one shilling, and you are +discharged.”</p> +<p>“Will your worship allow me”—</p> +<p>“I have no time, sir. Next case.”</p> +<p>“But I must explain.”</p> +<p>“Next case. Hold your jaw!—this +way!”—and the same individual who had jerked Mr. +Adolphus Casay into the dock, rejerked him into the middle of the +court. The shilling was paid, and, amid the laughter of the idlers +at his anti-teetotal habits, he made the best of his way from the +scene of his humiliation. As he rushed round the corner of the +street, a peal of laughter struck upon his ears, and there, in full +feather, as sober as ever, stood Mr. Brown Bunkem, enjoying the +joke beyond all measure. Indignation took possession of Mr. +Adolphus Casay’s bosom; he demanded to know the cause of this +strange conduct, stating that his character was for ever +compromised.</p> +<p>“Not at all,” coolly rejoined the unmoved Bunkem; +“we are all subject to accidents. You certainly were in a +scrape, but I think none the worse of you; and, if it’s any +satisfaction, you may say it was me.”</p> +<p>“Say it was you! Why it was.”</p> +<p>“Capital, upon my life! do you hear him, Smith, how well +he takes a cue? but stick to it, old fellow, I don’t think +you’ll be believed; but—<em>say it was +me.</em>”</p> +<p>Mr. Brown Bunkem was perfectly right. Mr. Adolphus Casay was not +believed; for some time he told the story as it really was, but to +no purpose. The indefatigable Brown was always appealed to by +mutual friends, his answer invariably was—</p> +<p>“Why, <em>Casay’s</em> a steady fellow, <em>I</em> +am not; it <em>might</em> injure him. <em>I</em> defy report; +therefore I gave him leave to—<em>say it was +me!</em>”</p> +<p>And that was all the thanks Mr. Adolphus Casay ever got for +bailing friend.</p> +<p class="rgt">FUSBOS</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page149" name="page149"></a>[pg +149]</span> +<h2>THE POLITICAL EUCLID.</h2> +<h5>WHEREIN ARE CONSIDERED</h5> +<h3>THE RELATIONS OF PLACE;</h3> +<p class="cen">OR</p> +<h4>THE BEST MODE OF</h4> +<h3>GETTING A PLACE FOR YOUR RELATIONS:</h3> +<h4>Being a complete Guide to the Art of</h4> +<h3>LEGISLATIVE MENSURATION,</h3> +<p class="cen">OR,</p> +<h4>How to estimate the value of a Vote upon</h4> +<h3>WHIG AND TORY MEASURES.</h3> +<h4>THE WHOLE ADAPTED TO</h4> +<h3>THE USE OF HONOURABLE MEMBERS.</h3> +<p class="cen">BY</p> +<h3>LORD PALMERSTON,</h3> +<p class="cen"><em>Late Professor of Toryism, but now Lecturer on +Whiggery to the College of St. Stephen’s.</em></p> +<hr class="short" /> +<h4>BOOK I.—DEFINITIONS.</h4> +<p>A point in politics is that which always has <em>place</em> (in +view,) but no particular party.</p> +<p>A line in politics is interest without principle.</p> +<p>The extremities of a line are loaves and fishes.</p> +<p>A right line is that which lies evenly between the Ministerial +and Opposition benches.</p> +<p>A superficies is that which professes to have principle, but has +no consistency.</p> +<p>The extremities of a superficies are expediencies.</p> +<p>A plain superficies is that of which two opposite speeches being +taken, the line between them evidently lies wholly in the direction +of Downing-street.</p> +<p>A plain angle is the evident inclination, and consequent +piscation, of a member for a certain place; or it is the meeting +together of two members who are not in the same line of +politics.</p> +<p>When a member sits on the cross benches, and shows no particular +inclination to one side or the other, it is called a right +angle.</p> +<p>An obtuse angle is that in which the inclination is +<em>evidently</em> to the Treasury.</p> +<p>An acute angle is that in which the inclination is +<em>apparently</em> to the Opposition benches.</p> +<p>A boundary is the extremity or whipper-in of any party.</p> +<p>A party is that which is kept together by one or more +whippers-in.</p> +<p>A circular member is a rum figure, produced by turning round; +and is such that all lines of politics centre in himself, and are +the same to him.</p> +<p>The diameter of a circular member is a line drawn on the +Treasury, and terminating in both pockets.</p> +<p>Trilateral members, or waverers, are those which have three +sides.</p> +<p>Of three-sided members an equilateral or independent member is +that to which all sides are the same.</p> +<p>An isosceles or vacillating member is that to which two sides +only are the same.</p> +<p>A scalene or scaly member has no one side which is equal to his +own interest.</p> +<p>Parallel lines of politics are such as are in the same +direction—say Downing-street; but which, being produced ever +so far—say to Windsor—do not meet.</p> +<p>A political problem is a Tory proposition, showing that the +country is to be done.</p> +<p>A theorem is a Whig proposition—the benefit of which to +any one but the Whigs always requires to be demonstrated.</p> +<p>A corollary is the consequent confusion brought about by +adopting the preceding Whig proposition.</p> +<p>A deduction is that which is drawn from the revenue by adopting +the preceding Whig proposition.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>MAJOR BENIOWSKY’S NEW ART OF MEMORY</h3> +<p>A gentleman who boasts one of those proper names in <em>sky</em> +which are naturally enough transmitted “from <em>pole to +pole</em>,” undertakes to teach the art of remembering upon +entirely new principles. We know not what the merit of his +invention may be, but we beg leave to ask the <em>Major</em> a few +<em>general</em> questions, and we, therefore, respectfully inquire +whether his system would be capable of effecting the following +miracles:—</p> +<p>1st. Would it be possible to make Sir James Graham remember that +he not long since declared his present colleagues to be men wholly +unworthy of public confidence?</p> +<p>2dly. Would Major Beniowsky’s plan compel a man to +remember his tailor’s bill; and, if so, would it go so far as +to remind him to call for the purpose of paying it?</p> +<p>3dly. Would the new system of memory enable Mr. Wakley to +refrain from forgetting himself?</p> +<p>4thly. Would the Phrenotypics, or brain-printing, as it is +called, succeed in stereotyping a pledge in the recollection of a +member of parliament?</p> +<p>5thly. Is it possible for the new art to cause Sir Robert Peel +to remember from one week to the other his political promises?</p> +<p>We fear these questions must be answered in the negative; but we +have a plan of our own for exercising the memory, which will beat +that of Beniow, or any other sky, who ventures to propose one. Our +proposition is, “<em>Read</em> PUNCH,” and we will be +bound that no one will ever forget it who has once enjoyed the +luxury.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>SONGS FOR THE SENTIMENTAL.—NO. 9.</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>I wander’d through our native fields,</p> +<p class="i2">And one was by my side who seem’d</p> +<p>Fraught with each beauty nature yields,</p> +<p class="i2">Whilst from her eye affection beam’d.</p> +<p>It was so like what fairy books,</p> +<p class="i2">In painting heaven, are wont to tell,</p> +<p>That fondly I <em>believed</em> those looks,</p> +<p class="i2">And found too late—’twas all a sell!</p> +<p class="i10">’Twas all a sell!</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>She vow’d I was her all—her life—</p> +<p class="i2">And proved, methought, her words by sighs;</p> +<p>She long’d to hear me call her “wife,”</p> +<p class="i2">And fed on hope which love supplies.</p> +<p>Ah! then I felt it had been sin</p> +<p class="i2">To doubt that she could e’er belie</p> +<p>Her vows!—I found ’twas only tin</p> +<p>She sought, and love was all my eye!</p> +<p class="i10">Was all my eye!</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>SHIPPING INTELLIGENCE.</h3> +<p>The <em>Shamrock</em> ran upon a timber-raft on Monday morning, +and was <em>off Deal</em> in ten minutes afterwards.</p> +<p>The storm of Thursday did considerable damage to the shipping in +the Thames. A coal was picked up off Vauxhall, which gave rise to a +report that a barge had gone down in the offing. On making +inquiries at Lloyd’s, we asked what were the advices, when we +were advised to mind our own business, an answer we have too +frequently received from the underlings of that establishment. The +<em>Bachelor</em> has been telegraphed on its way up from Chelsea. +It is expected to bring the latest news relative to the gas-lights +on the Kensington-road, which, it is well known, are expected to +enjoy a disgraceful sinecure during the winter.</p> +<p>Captain Snooks, of the <em>Daffydowndilly</em>, committed +suicide by jumping down the chimney of the steamer under his +command. The rash act occasioned a momentary flare up, but did not +impede the action of the machinery.</p> +<p>A rudder has been seen floating off Southwark. It has a piece of +rope attached to it. Lloyd’s people have not been down to +look at it. This shameful neglect has occasioned much conversation +in fresh-water circles, and shows an apathy which it is frightful +to contemplate.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>TO SIR ROBERT.</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Doctors, they say, are heartless, cannot feel—</p> +<p>Have you no core, or are you naught but Peel?</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>A PLEASANT ASSURANCE.</h3> +<p>The Marquis of Normandy, we perceive, has been making some +inquiries relative to the “Drainage Bills,” and has +been assured by Lord Ellenborough, that the subject should meet the +attention of government during the recess. We place full reliance +on his Lordship’s promise—the <em>drainage</em> of the +country has been ever a paramount object with our Whig and Tory +rulers.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page150" name="page150"></a>[pg +150]</span> +<h2>CHRISTIANITY.—PRICE FIFTEEN SHILLINGS.</h2> +<p>The English poor have tender teachers. In the first place, the +genius of Money, by a hundred direct and indirect lessons, preaches +to them the infamy of destitution; thereby softening their hearts +to a sweet humility with a strong sense of their wickedness. Then +comes Law, with its whips and bonds, to chastise and tie up +“the offending Adam”—that is, the Adam without a +pocket,—and then the gentle violence of kindly Mother Church +leads the poor man far from the fatal presence of his Gorgon wants, +to consort him with meek-eyed Charity,—to give him glimpses +of the Land of Promise,—to make him hear the rippling waters +of Eternal Truth,—to feast his senses with the odours of +Eternal sweets. Happy English poor! Ye are not scurfed with the +vanities of the flesh! Under the affectionate discipline of the +British Magi L.S.D.,—the “three kings” tasking +human muscles, banqueting on human heartstrings,—ye are +happily rescued from any visitation of those worldly comforts that +hold the weakness of humanity to life! Hence, by the benevolence of +those who have only solid acres, ye are permitted to have an +unlimited portion of the sky; and banned by the mundane ones who +have wine in their cellars, and venison in the larder from the +gross diet of beer and beef—ye are permitted to take your +bellyful of the savoury food cooked for the Hebrew patriarch. Once +a week, at least, ye are invited to feast with Joseph in the house +of Pharaoh, and yet, stiff-necked generation that ye are, ye stay +from the banquet and then complain of hunger! “Shall there be +no punishment for this obduracy?” asks kindly Mother Church, +her eyes red with weeping for the hard-heartedness of her children. +“Shall there be no remedy?” she sobs, wringing her +hands. Whereupon, the spotless maiden Law—that Amazonian +virgin, eldest child of violated Justice—answers, +“<em>Fifteen Shillings!</em>”</p> +<p>We are indebted to Lord BROUGHAM for this new instance of the +stubbornness of the poor—for this new revelation of the pious +vengeance of offended law. A few nights since his lordship, in a +motion touching prison discipline, stated that “a man had +been confined for <em>ten weeks</em>, having been fined a shilling, +and <em>fourteen shillings costs</em>, which he did not pay, +because he was absent one Sunday from church!”</p> +<p>Who can doubt, that from the moment <em>John +Jones</em>—(the reader may christen the offender as he +pleases)—was discharged, he became a most pious, church-going +Christian? He had been ten Sundays in prison, be it remembered; and +had therefore heard at least ten sermons. He crossed the prison +threshold a new-made man; and wending towards his happy home, had +in his face—so lately smirched with shameless vice—such +lustrous glory, that even his dearest creditors failed to recognise +him!</p> +<p>Beautiful is the village church of Phariseefield! Beautiful is +its antiquity—beautiful its porch, thronged with white-headed +men and ruddy little ones! Beautiful the graves, sown with immortal +seed, clustering round the building! Beautiful the vicar’s +horses—the vicar himself preaches to-day,—and very +beautiful indeed, the faces, ay, and the bonnets, too, of the +vicar’s daughters! Beautiful the sound of the bell that +summons the lowly Christian to cast aside the pomps and vanities of +the world, and to stand for a time in utter nakedness of heart +before his Maker,—and very beautiful the silk stockings of +the Dowager Lady Canaan’s footman, who carrieth with Sabbath +humility his Lady’s books to Church! Yet all this beauty is +as deformity to the new-born loveliness of <em>John Jones</em>; +who, on the furthermost seat—far from the vain convenience of +pew and velvet hassock—sits, and inwardly blesses the one +shilling and fourteen shillings costs, that with more than +fifteen-horse power have drawn him from the iniquities of the +Jerry-shop and hustle-farthing,—to feed upon the manna +dropping from the lips of the Reverend Doctor FAT! There sits +<em>John Jones</em>, late drunkard, poacher, reprobate; but now, +fined into Christian goodness—made a very saint, according to +Act of Parliament!</p> +<p>If Mother Church, with the rods of spikenard which the law hath +benevolently placed in her hands, will but whip her truant children +to their Sunday seats,—will only consent to draw them through +the bars of a prison to their Sabbath sittings,—will teach +them the real value of Christianity, it being according to her own +estimate—<em>with the expenses</em>—exactly fifteen +shillings,—sure we are, that Radicalism and Chartism, and all +the many foul pustules that, in the conviction of Holy Church, are +at this moment poisoning and enervating the social body, will +disappear beneath the precious ointment always at her touch.</p> +<p>When we consider the many and impartial blessings scattered upon +the poor of England—when in fact we consider the beautiful +justice pervading our whole social intercourse—when we +reflect upon the spirit of good-will and sincerity that operates on +the hearts of the powerful few for the comfort and happiness of the +helpless million,—we are almost aghast at the infidelity of +poverty, forgetting in our momentary indignation, that poverty must +necessarily combine within itself every species of infamy.</p> +<p>Poor men of England, consider not merely the fine and the +expenses attendant upon absence from church, but reflect upon the +want of that beautiful exercise of the spirit which, listening to +precepts and parables in Holy Writ, delights to find for them +practical illustrations in the political and social world about +you. We know you would not think of going to church in +masquerade—of reading certain lines and making certain +responses as a bit of Sabbath ceremony, as necessary to a +respectable appearance as a Sabbath shaving. No; you are far away +from the elegances of hypocrisy, and do not time your religion from +eleven till one, making devotion a matter of the church clock. By +no means. You go to hear, it may be, the Bishop of EXETER; and as +we have premised, what a beautiful exercise for the intellect to +discover in the political doings of his Grace—in those acts +which ultimately knock at your cupboard-doors—only a +practical illustration of the divine precept of doing unto all men +as ye would they should do unto you! Well, you pray for your daily +bread; and with a profane thought of the price of the four pound +loaf, your feelings are suddenly attuned to gratitude towards those +who regulate the price of British corn. We might run through the +Scriptures from Genesis to Revelation, quoting a thousand +benevolences illustrated by the rich and mighty of this +land—illustrated politically, socially, and morally, in their +conduct towards the poor and destitute of Britain; and yet the +stiffnecked pauper will not dispose his Sabbath to +self-enjoyment—will not go to church to be rejoiced! By such +disobedience, one would almost think that the poor were wicked +enough to consider the church discipline of the Sabbath as no more +than a ceremonious mockery of their six days wants and +wretchedness.</p> +<p>The magistrates—(would we knew their names, we would hang +them up in the highways like the golden bracelets of +yore)—who have made <em>John Jones</em> religious through his +pocket, are men of comprehensive genius. There is no wickedness +that they would not make profitable to the Church. Hence, it +appears from Lord BROUGHAM’S speech that <em>John Jones</em> +“was guilty of <em>other excesses</em>, and had been sent to +prison for a violation of that dormant—he wished he could say +of it obsolete—law!” There being “other +excesses” for which, it appears, there is no statute remedy, +the magistrates commit a piece of pious injustice, and lump sundry +laical sins into the one crime against the Church. <em>John +Jones</em>,—for who shall conceive the profanity of +man?—may have called one of these magistrates +“goose” or “jackass;” and the offence +against the justice is a contempt of the parson. After this, can +the race of <em>John Joneses</em> fail to venerate Christianity as +recommended by the Bench?</p> +<p>We have a great admiration of English Law, yet in the present +instance, we think she shares very unjustly with Mother Church. For +instance, Church in its meekness, says to <em>John Jones</em>, +“You come not to my house on Sunday: pay a shilling.” +<em>John Jones</em> refuses. “What!” exclaims +Law—“refuse the modest request of my pious sister? +Refuse to give her a little shilling! Give me +<em>fourteen</em>.” Hence, in this Christian country, law is +of fourteen times the consequence of religion.</p> +<p>Applauding as we do the efforts of the magistrates quoted by +Lord BROUGHAM in the cause of Christianity, we yet conscientiously +think their system capable of improvement. When the Rustic Police +shall be properly established, we think they should be empowered to +seize upon all suspected non-church goers every Saturday night, +keeping them in the station-houses until Sunday morning, and then +marching them, securely handcuffed, up the middle aisle of the +parish church. ’Twould be a touching sight for Mr. PLUMPTREE, +and such hard-sweating devotees. For the benefit of old offenders, +we would also counsel a little wholesome private whipping in the +vestry.</p> +<p class="rgt">Q.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page151" name="page151"></a>[pg +151]</span> +<h2>PUNCH’S PENCILLINGS.—No. XIII.</h2> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/013-06.png"><img src= +"images/013-06.png" alt= +"One man sits at a table, while another brings 'Cheap Bread' and a third holds a crop over the table." +id="img013-06" name="img013-06" width="100%" /></a> +<p>MR. SANCHO BULL AND HIS STATE PHYSICIAN.</p> +<p>“Though surrounded with luxuries, the Doctor would not +allow Sancho to partake of them, and dismissed each dish as it was +brought in by the servants.”—<em>Vide</em> DON +QUIXOTE.</p> +</div> +<!-- [pg 152] --> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page153" name="page153"></a>[pg +153]</span> +<h3>SWEET AUTUMN DAYS.</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Sweet Autumn days, sweet Autumn days,</p> +<p class="i2">When, harvest o’er, the reaper slumbers,</p> +<p>How gratefully I hymn your praise,</p> +<p class="i2">In modest but melodious numbers.</p> +<p>But if I’m ask’d why ’tis I make</p> +<p class="i2">Autumn the theme of inspiration,</p> +<p>I’ll tell the truth, and no mistake—</p> +<p class="i2">With Autumn comes the long vacation.</p> +<p>Of falsehoods I’ll not shield me with a tissue—</p> +<p class="i2">Autumn I love—because <em>no writs then +issue</em>.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Others may hail the joys of Spring,</p> +<p class="i2">When birds and buds alike are growing;</p> +<p>Some the Summer days may sing,</p> +<p class="i2">When sowing, mowing, on are going.</p> +<p>Old Winter, with his hoary locks,</p> +<p class="i2">His frosty face and visage murky,</p> +<p>May suit some very jolly cocks,</p> +<p class="i2">Who like roast-beef, mince-pies, and turkey:</p> +<p>But give me Autumn—yes, I’m Autumn’s +child—</p> +<p class="i2">For then—<em>no declarations can be +filed</em>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="full" /> +<h2>TOM CONNOR’S DILEMMA.</h2> +<h3>A TRUE TALE.</h3> +<h3>SHOWING HOW READY WIT MAY SUPPLY THE PLACE OF READY MONEY.</h3> +<p>Tom Connor was a perfect specimen of the happy, careless, +improvident class of Irishmen who think it “time enough to +bid the devil good morrow when they meet him,” and whose +chief delight seems to consist in getting into all manner of +scrapes, for the mere purpose of displaying their ingenuity of +getting out of them again. Tom, at the time I knew him, had passed +the meridian of his life; “he had,” as he used to say +himself, “given up battering,” and had luckily a small +annuity fallen to him by the demise of a considerate old aunt who +had kindly popped off in the nick of time. And on this independence +Tom had retired to spend all that remained to him of a merry life +at a pleasant little sea-port town in the West of Ireland, +celebrated for its card-parties and its oyster-clubs. These latter +social meetings were held by rotation at the houses of the members +of the club, which was composed of the choicest spirits of the +town. There Doctor McFadd, relaxing the dignity of professional +reserve, condescended to play practical jokes on Corney Bryan, the +bothered exciseman; and Skinner, the attorney, repeated all Lord +Norbury’s best puns, and night after night told how, at some +particular quarter sessions, he had himself said a better thing +than ever Norbury uttered in his life. But the soul of the club was +Tom Connor—who, by his inexhaustible fund of humorous +anecdotes and droll stories, kept the table in a roar till a late +hour in the night, or rather to an early hour in the morning. +Tom’s stories usually related to adventures which had +happened to himself in his early days; and as he had experienced +innumerable vicissitudes of fortune, in every part of the world, +and under various characters, his narratives, though not remarkable +for their strict adherence to truth, were always distinguished by +their novelty.</p> +<p>One evening the club had met as usual, and Tom had mixed his +first tumbler of potheen punch, after “the feast of +shells” was over, when somebody happened to mention the name +of Edmund Kean, with the remark that he had once played in a barn +in that very town.</p> +<p>“True enough,” said Tom. “I played in the same +company with him.”</p> +<p>“You! you!” exclaimed several voices.</p> +<p>“Of course; but that was when I was a strolling actor in +Clark’s corps. We used to go the western circuit, and by that +means got the name of ‘the Connaught Rangers.’ There +was a queer fellow in the company, called Ned Davis, an +honest-hearted fellow he was, as ever walked in shoe leather. Ned +and I were sworn brothers; we shared the same bed, which was often +only a ‘shake-down’ in the corner of a stable, and the +same dinner, which was at times nothing better than a crust of +brown bread and a draught of Adam’s ale. I’ll trouble +you for the bottle, doctor. Thank you; may I never take worse stuff +from your hands. Talking of Ned Davis, I’ll tell you, if you +have no objection of a strange adventure which befel us +once.”</p> +<p>“Bravo! bravo! bravo!” was the unanimous cry from +the members.</p> +<p>“Silence, gentlemen!” said the chairman +imperatively; “silence for Mr. Connor’s +story.”</p> +<p>“Hem! Well then, some time about the year—never mind +the year—Ned and I were playing with the company at Loughrea; +business grew bad, and the salaries diminished with the houses, +until at last, one morning at a rehearsal, the manager informed us +that, in consequence of the depressed state of the drama in Galway, +the treasury would be closed until further notice, and that he had +come to the resolution to depart on the following morning for +Castlebar, whither he requested the company to follow him without +delay. Fancy my consternation at this unexpected announcement! I +mechanically thrust my hands into my pockets, but they were +completely untenanted. I rushed home to our lodgings, where I had +left Ned Davis; he, I knew, had received a guinea the day before, +upon which I rested my hopes of deliverance. I found him fencing +with his walking-stick with an imaginary antagonist, whom he had in +his mind pinned against a closet-door. I related to him the sudden +move the manager had made, and told him, in the most doleful voice +conceivable, that I was not possessed of a single penny. As soon as +I had finished, he dropped into a chair, and burst into a +long-continued fit of laughter, and then looked in my face with the +most provoking mock gravity, and asked—</p> +<p>“What’s to be done then? How are we to get out of +this?”</p> +<p>“Why,” said I, “that guinea which you got +yesterday!”</p> +<p>“Ho! ho! ho! ho!” he shouted. “The guinea is +gone.”</p> +<p>“Gone!” I exclaimed; and I felt my knees began to +shake under me. “Gone—where—how.”</p> +<p>“I gave it to the wife of that poor devil of a +scene-shifter who broke his arm last week; he had four children, +and they were starving. What could I do but give it to them? Had it +been ten times as much they should have had it.”</p> +<p>I don’t know what reply I made, but it had the effect of +producing another fit of uncontrollable laughter.</p> +<p>“Why do you laugh,” said I, rather angrily.</p> +<p>“Who the devil could help it;” he replied; +“your woe-begone countenance would make a cat +laugh.”</p> +<p>“Well,” said I, “we are in a pretty dilemma +here. We owe our landlady fifteen shillings.”</p> +<p>“For which she will lay an embargo on our little +effects—three black wigs and a low-comedy pair of +breeches—this must be prevented.”</p> +<p>“But how?” I inquired.</p> +<p>“How? never mind; but order dinner directly.”</p> +<p>“Dinner!” said I; “don’t awaken painful +recollections.”</p> +<p>“Go and do as I tell you,” he replied. “Order +dinner—beef-steak and oyster-sauce.”</p> +<p>“Beef-steak! Are you mad”—but before I could +finish the sentence, he had put on his hat and disappeared.</p> +<p>“Who knows?” thought I, after he was gone, +“he’s a devilish clever fellow, something may turn +up:” so I ordered the beef-steaks. In less than an hour, my +friend returned with exultation in his looks.</p> +<p>“I have done it!” said he, slapping me on the back; +“we shall have plenty of money to-morrow.”</p> +<p>I begged he would explain himself.</p> +<p>“Briefly then,” said he, “I have been to the +billiard-room, and every other lounging-place about town, where I +circulated, in the most mysterious manner, a report that a +celebrated German doctor and philosopher, who had discovered the +secret of resuscitating the dead, had arrived in +Loughrea.”</p> +<p>“How ridiculous!” I said.</p> +<p>“Don’t be in a hurry. This philosopher,” he +added, “is about to give positive proof that he can perform +what he professes, and it is his intention to go into the +churchyard to-night, and resuscitate a few of those who have not +been buried more than a twelvemonth.”</p> +<p>“Well.” said I, “what does all this nonsense +come to?”</p> +<p>“That you must play the philosopher in the +churchyard.”</p> +<p>“Me!”</p> +<p>“Certainly, you’re the very figure for the +part.”</p> +<p>After some persuasion, and some further development of his plan, +I consented to wrap myself in an ample stage-cloak, and gliding +into the churchyard, I waited in the porch according to the +directions I had received from Ned, until near midnight, when I +issued forth, and proceeded to examine the different tombs +attentively. I was bending over one, which, by the inscription, I +perceived had been erected by “an affectionate and +disconsolate wife, to the memory of her beloved husband,” +when I was startled at hearing a rustling noise, and, on looking +round, to see a stout-looking woman standing beside me.</p> +<p>“Doctor,” said she, addressing me, “I know +what you’re about here.”</p> +<p>I shook my head solemnly.</p> +<p>“This is my poor late husband’s tomb.”</p> +<p>“I know it,” I answered. “I mean to exercise +my art upon him first. He shall be restored to your arms this very +night.”</p> +<p>The widow gave a faint scream—“I’m sure, +doctor,” said she, “I’m greatly obliged to you. +Peter was the best of husbands—but he has now been dead six +months—and—I am—married again.”</p> +<p>“Humph!” said I, “the meeting will be rather +awkward, but you may induce your second husband to +resign.”</p> +<p>“No, no, doctor; let the poor man rest quietly, and here +is a trifle for your trouble.” So saying, she slipped a +weighty purse into my hand.</p> +<p>“This alters the case,” said I, +“materially—your late husband shall never be disturbed +by me.”</p> +<p>The widow withdrew with a profusion of acknowledgments; and +scarcely had she gone, when a young fellow, who I learned had +lately come into possession of a handsome property by the death of +an uncle, came to request me not to meddle with the deceased, who +he assured me was a shocking old curmudgeon, who never spent his +money like a gentleman. A douceur from the young chap secured the +repose of his uncle.</p> +<p>My next visitor was a weazel-faced man, who had been plagued for +twenty years by a shrew of a wife, who popped off one day from an +overdose of whiskey. He came to beseech me not to bring back his +plague to the world; and, pitying the poor man’s case, I gave +him my promise readily, without accepting a fee.</p> +<p>By this time daylight had begun to appear, and creeping quietly +out of the churchyard, I returned to my lodgings. Ned was waiting +up for my return.</p> +<p>“What luck?” said he, as I entered the room.</p> +<p>I showed him the fees I had received during the night.</p> +<p>“I told you,” said he, “that we should have +plenty of rhino to-day. Never despair, man, there are more ways out +of the wood than one: and recollect, that <em>ready wit is as good +as ready money</em>.”</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page154" name="page154"></a>[pg +154]</span> +<h2>THE PHYSIOLOGY OF THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT.</h2> +<h3>II.—THE NEW MAN.</h3> +<p>Embryology precedes the treatise on the perfect animal; it is +but right, therefore, that the new man should have our attention +before the mature student.</p> +<p>No sooner do the geese become asphyxiated by torsion of their +cervical <em>vertebrae</em>, in anticipation of Michaelmas-day; no +sooner do the pheasants feel premonitory warnings, that some +chemical combinations between charcoal, nitre, and sulphur, are +about to take place, ending in a precipitation of lead; no sooner +do the columns of the newspapers teem with advertisements of the +ensuing courses at the various schools, each one cheaper, and +offering more advantages than any of the others; the large +hospitals vaunting their extended field of practice, and the small +ones ensuring a more minute and careful investigation of disease, +than the new man purchases a large trunk and a hat-box, buys a +second-hand copy of Quain’s Anatomy, abjures the dispensing +of his master’s surgery in the country, and placing himself +in one of those rattling boxes denominated by courtesy second-class +carriages, enters on the career of a hospital pupil in his first +season.</p> +<p>The opening lecture introduces the new man to his companions, +and he is easily distinguished at that annual gathering of pupils, +practitioners, professors, and especially old hospital governors, +who do a good deal in the gaiter-line, and applaud the lecturer +with their umbrellas, as they sit in the front row. The new man is +known by his clothes, which incline to the prevalent fashion of the +rural districts he has quitted; and he evinces an affection for +cloth-boots, or short Wellingtons with double soles, and toes +shaped like a toad’s mouth, a propensity which sometimes +continues throughout the career of his pupilage. He likewise takes +off his hat when he enters the dissecting-room, and thinks that +beautiful design is shown in the mechanism and structure of the +human body—an idea which gets knocked out of him at the end +of the season, when he looks upon the distribution of the nerves as +“a blessed bore to get up, and no use to him after he has +passed.” But at first he perpetually carries a</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/013-07.png"><img src= +"images/013-07.png" alt= +"A man reaches through a window to club a seated man." id= +"img013-07" name="img013-07" width="50%" /></a> +<p>“DUBLIN DISSECTOR”</p> +</div> +<p>under his arm; and whether he is engaged upon a subject or no, +delights to keep on his black apron, pockets, and sleeves (like a +barber dipped in a blacking-bottle), the making of which his +sisters have probably superintended in the country, and which he +thinks endows him with an air of industry and importance.</p> +<p>The new man, at first, is not a great advocate for beer; but +this dislike may possibly arise from his having been compelled to +stand two pots upon the occasion of his first dissection. After a +time, however, he gives way to the indulgence, having received the +solemn assurances of his companions that it is absolutely necessary +to preserve his health, and keep him from getting the collywobbles +in his pandenoodles—a description of which obstinate disease +he is told may be found in “Dr. Copland’s Medical +Dictionary,” and “Gregory’s Practice of +Physic,” but as to under what head the informant is +uncertain.</p> +<p>The first purchase that a new man makes in London is a gigantic +note-book, a dozen steel pens on a card, and a screw inkstand. +Furnished with these valuable adjuncts to study, he puts down every +thing he hears during the day, both in the theatre of the school +and the wards of the hospital, besides many diverting diagrams and +anecdotes which his fellow-students insert for him, until at night +he has a confused dream that the air-pump in the laboratory is +giving a party, at which various scalpels, bits of gums, wax +models, tourniquets, and fœtal skulls, are assisting as +guests—an eccentric and philosophical vision, worthy of the +brain from which it emanates. But the new man is, from his very +nature, a visionary. His breast swells with pride at the +introductory lecture, when he hears the professor descant upon the +noble science he and his companions have embarked upon; the rich +reward of watching the gradual progress of a suffering +fellow-creature to convalescence, and the insignificance of worldly +gain compared with the pure treasures of pathological knowledge; +whilst to the riper student all this resolves itself into the +truth, that three draughts, or one mixture, are respectively worth +four-and-sixpence or three shillings: that the patient should be +encouraged to take them as long as possible, and that the thrilling +delight of ushering another mortal into existence, after being up +all night, is considerably increased by the receipt of the tin for +superintending the performance; <em>i.e.</em> if you are lucky +enough to get it.</p> +<p>It is not improbable that, after a short period, the new man +will write a letter home. The substance of it will be as follows: +and the reader is requested to preserve a copy, as it may, perhaps, +be compared with another at a future period.</p> +<p>“MY DEAR PARENTS,—I am happy to inform you that my +health is at present uninjured by the atmosphere of the hospital, +and that I find I am making daily progress in my studies. I have +taken a lodging in —— (Gower-place, University-street, +Little Britain, or Lant-street, as the case may be,) for which I +pay twelve shillings a week, including shoes. The mistress of the +house is a pious old lady, and I am very comfortable, with the +exception that two pupils live on the floor above me, who are +continually giving harmonic parties to their friends, and I am +sometimes compelled to request they will allow me to conclude +transcribing my lecture notes in tranquillity—a request, I am +sorry to say, not often complied with. The smoke from their pipes +fills the whole house, and the other night they knocked me up two +hours after I had retired to rest, for the loan of the jug of cold +water from my washhand-stand, to make grog with, and a +‘Little Warbler,’ if I had one, with the words of +‘The Literary Dustman’ in it.</p> +<p>“Independently of these annoyances, I get on pretty well, +and have already attracted the notice of my professors, who return +my salutation very condescendingly, and tell me to look upon them +rather as friends than teachers. The students here, generally +speaking, are a dissipated and irreligious set of young men; and I +can assure you I am often compelled to listen to language that +quite makes my ears tingle. I have found a very decent washerwoman, +who mends for me as well; but, unfortunately, she washes for the +house, and the initials of one of the students above me are the +same as mine, so that I find our things are gradually changing +hands, in which I have the worst, because his shirts and socks are +somewhat dilapidated, or, to speak professionally, their fibrous +texture abounds in organic lesions; and the worst is, he never +finds out the error until the end of the week, when he sends my +things back, with his compliments, and thinks the washerwoman has +made a mistake.</p> +<p>“I have not been to the theatres yet, nor do I feel the +least wish to enter into any of the frivolities of the great +metropolis. With kind regards to all at home, believe me,</p> +<p class="rgt">“Your’s affectionately,<br /> +“JOSEPH MUFF.”</p> +<hr /> +<h3>“I DO ADJURE YE, ANSWER ME!”</h3> +<p>A valuable porcelain vase, which stood in one of the state rooms +of Windsor Castle, has been recently broken; it is suspected by +design, as the situation in which it was placed almost precludes +the idea that it could have happened by accident. A commission, +called “The Flunky Inquisition,” has been appointed by +Sir Robert Peel, with Sibthorp at its head, to inquire into the +affair. The gallant Colonel declares that he has personally +cross-examined all the housemaids, but that he has hitherto been +unable to obtain a satisfactory solution of</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/013-08.png"><img src= +"images/013-08.png" alt= +"A group of servants stand around a broken vase." id="img013-08" +name="img013-08" width="80%" /></a> +<p>THE GREAT CHINA QUESTION.</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>LIKE MASTER LIKE MAN.</h3> +<p>SIR ROBERT PEEL’S workmen inside the House of Parliament +have determined to follow the example of the masons outside the +House, if Mr. Wakley is to be appointed their foreman.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page155" name="page155"></a>[pg +155]</span> +<h2>INQUEST EXTRAORDINARY ON A CORONER.</h2> +<p>Last night an inquest was held on the <em>Consistency</em> of +Thomas Wakley, Esq., Member for Finsbury, and Coroner for +Middlesex. The deceased had been some time ailing, but his demise +was at length so sudden, that it was deemed necessary to public +justice that an inquest should be taken of the unfortunate +remains.</p> +<p>The inquest was held at the Vicar of Bray tap, Palace Yard; and +the jury, considering the neighbourhood, was tolerably respectable. +The remains of the deceased were in a dreadful state of +decomposition; and although chloride of lime and other antiseptic +fluids were plentifully scattered in the room, it was felt to be a +service of danger to approach too closely to the defunct. Many +members of Parliament were in attendance, and all of them, to a +man, appeared very visibly shocked by the appearance of the body. +Indeed they all of them seemed to gather a great moral lesson from +the corpse. “We know not whose turn it may be next,” +was printed in the largest physiognomical type in every +member’s countenance.</p> +<p>Thomas Duncombe, Esq., Member for Finsbury, examined—Had +known the deceased for some years. Had the highest notion of the +robustness of his constitution. Would have taken any odds upon it. +Deceased, however, within these last three or four weeks had +flighty intervals. Talked very much about the fine phrenological +development of Sir Robert Peel’s skull. Had suspicions of the +deceased from that moment. Deceased had been carefully watched, but +to no avail. Deceased inflicted a mortal wound upon himself on the +first night of Sir Robert’s premiership; and though he +continued to rally for many evenings, he sunk the night before +last, after a dying speech of twenty minutes.</p> +<p>Colonel Sibthorp, Member for Lincoln, examined—Knew the +deceased. Since the accession of Sir Robert Peel to power had had +many conversations with the deceased upon the ministerial bench. +Had offered snuff-box to the deceased. Deceased did not snuff. +Deceased had said that he thought witness a man of high +parliamentary genius, and that Sir Robert Peel ought to have made +him (witness) either Lord Chamberlain or Chancellor of the +Exchequer. In every other respect, deceased behaved himself quite +rationally.</p> +<p>There were at least twenty other witnesses—Members of the +House of Commons—in attendance to be examined; but the +Coroner put it to the jury whether they had not heard enough?</p> +<p>The jury assented, and immediately returned a +verdict—<em>Felo de se</em>.</p> +<p>N.B. A member for Finsbury wanted next dissolution.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>A CURIOUS ERROR.</h3> +<p>A member of the American legislature, remarkable for his absence +of mind, exhibited a singular instance of this mental infirmity +very lately. Having to present a petition to the house, he +presented <em>himself</em> instead, and did not discover his +mistake until he was</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/013-09.png"><img src= +"images/013-09.png" alt= +"A woman presents a pig on a platter to a dining man." id= +"img013-09" name="img013-09" width="50%" /></a> +<p>ORDERED TO LIE ON THE TABLE.</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>SIR ROBERT PEEL (LOQUITUR).</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>When erst the Whigs were in, and I was out,</p> +<p>I knew exactly what to be about;</p> +<p>Then all I had to do, through thick and thin,</p> +<p>Was but to get them out, and Bobby in.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>And now that I am in, and they are out,</p> +<p>The only thing that I can be about</p> +<p>Is to do nothing; but, through thick and thin,</p> +<p>Contrive to keep them out, and Bobby in.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>SONGS FOR THE SEEDY.—No. 3.</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Oh! think not all who call thee fair</p> +<p class="i2">Are in their honied words sincere;</p> +<p>And if they offer jewels rare,</p> +<p class="i2">Lend not too readily thine ear.</p> +<p>The humble ring I lately gave</p> +<p class="i2">May be despised by thee—well, let it;</p> +<p>But Mary, when I’m in my grave,</p> +<p class="i2">Think that I pawn’d my watch to get it.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Others may talk of feasts of love,</p> +<p class="i2">And banqueting upon thy charms;</p> +<p>But did not I devotion prove,</p> +<p class="i2">Last Sunday, at the Stanhope Arms?</p> +<p>My rival order’d tea for four,</p> +<p class="i2">The waiter at his bidding laid it;</p> +<p>He generously <em>ran</em> the score,</p> +<p class="i4">But, Mary, I did more,—<em>I paid it</em>.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>I know he’s dashing, bold, and free,</p> +<p class="i2">A front of Jove, an eye of fire;</p> +<p>But should he say he loves like me,</p> +<p class="i2">I’d, like Apollo, <em>strike the lyre</em>.</p> +<p>He says, he at your feet will throw</p> +<p class="i2">His all; and, if his vows are steady,</p> +<p>He cannot equal me—for, oh!</p> +<p class="i2">I’ve given you all I had, already.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Mary, I had a second suit</p> +<p class="i2">Of clothes, of which the coat was braided;</p> +<p>Mary, they went to buy that flute</p> +<p class="i2">With which I thee have serenaded.</p> +<p>Mary, I had a beaver hat,</p> +<p class="i2">Than this I wear a great deal better;</p> +<p>Mary, I’ve parted too with that,</p> +<p class="i2">For pens, ink, paper—for this letter.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>PRIVATE CORRESPONDENCE.</h3> +<p>Dear PUNCH,—Will you inform me whether the review of the +troops noticed in last Saturday’s <em>Times</em>, is to be +found in the “Edinborough,” “Westminster,” +or “Quarterly.”</p> +<p class="rgt">Yours, in all mayoralties,<br /> +PETER LAURIE.</p> +<p>P.S.—What do they mean by</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/013-10.png"><img src= +"images/013-10.png" alt="A man falls flat onto a paved sidewalk." +id="img013-10" name="img013-10" width="50%" /></a> +<p>SALUTING A FLAG?</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>“GO ALONG, BOB.”</h3> +<p>Sir Bobby Peel, who, before he got into harness, professed +himself able to draw the Government truck “like +bricks,” has changed his note since he has been put to the +trial, and he is now bawling lustily—“Don’t hurry +me, please—give me a little time.” Wakley, seeing the +pitiable condition of the unfortunate animal, volunteered his +services to push behind, and the Chartist and Tory may now be seen +every night in St. Stephen’s, working cordially together, and +exhibiting an illustration of the benefits of a</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/013-11.png"><img src= +"images/013-11.png" alt= +"A man pushes a cart being pulled by a donkey." id="img013-11" +name="img013-11" width="50%" /></a> +<p>DIVISION OF LABOUR.</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>CONS BY OUR OWN COLONEL.</h3> +<p>Why is a loud laugh in the House of Commons like Napoleon +Buonaparte?—Because it’s an <em>M.P. roar</em> (an +Emperor).</p> +<p>Why is a person getting rheumatic like one locking a +cupboard-door?—Because he’s turning <em>achy</em> (a +key).</p> +<p>Why is one-and-sixpence like an aversion to +coppers?—Because it’s <em>hating pence</em> +(eighteen-pence).</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page156" name="page156"></a>[pg +156]</span> +<h2>PUNCH’S THEATRE.</h2> +<h3>DIE HEXEN AM RHEIN; OR, RUDOLPH OF HAPSBURGH.</h3> +<p>Mysterious are thy ways, O Yates! Thou art the only true +melodramatist of the stage and off the stage! When a new demonology +is compiled thou shalt have an honourable place in it. Thou shall +be worshipped as the demon of novelty, even by the +“gods” themselves. Thy deeds shall be recorded in +history. It shall not be forgotten that thou wert the importer of +Mademoiselle Djeck, the tame elephant; of Monsieur Bohain, the +gigantic Irishman; and of Signor Hervi o’Nano, the +Cockneyan-Italian dwarf. Never should we have seen the Bayaderes +but for you; nor T.P. Cooke in “The Pilot,” nor the +Bedouin Arabs, nor “The Wreck Ashore,” nor +“bathing and sporting” nymphs, nor other dramatic +delicacies. Truly, thou art the luckiest of managers; for all thy +efforts succeed, whether they deserve it or not. Sometimes thou +drawest up an army of scene-painters, mechanists, dancers, +monsters, dwarfs, devils, fire-works, and water-spouts, in terrible +array against common sense. Yet lo! thou dost conquer! Thy pieces +never miss fire; they go on well with the public, and favourable +are the press reports. Wert thou a Catholic thou wouldest be +canonised; for evil spirits are thy passion; the Vatican itself +cannot produce a more indefatigable “devils’ +advocate!”</p> +<p>The repast now provided by Mr. Yates for those who are fond of +“supping full of horrors” is a devilled drama, +interspersed with hydraulics— consisting, in fact, of spirits +and water, sweetened with songs and spiced with witches. It is, we +are informed by the official announcements, “a romantic +burletta of witchcraft, in two acts, and a prologue, with entirely +new scenery, dresses, and peculiar appointments, <em>imagined</em> +by, and introduced under the direction of, Mr. Yates.” Now, +any person, entirely unprejudiced with a taste for devilry and free +from hydrophobia, who sees this production, must have an unbounded +opinion of the manager’s imagination,—what a head he +must have for aquatic effects! In vain we look around for its +parallel—nothing but the New River head suggests itself.</p> +<p>But our preface is detaining us from the “prologue;” +the first words in which stamp the entire production with +originality. Assassins, who let themselves out by the job, have +long been pleasantly employed in melodramas, being mostly enacted +by performers in the heavy line; but the author of “Die Hexen +am Rhein” introduces a character hitherto unknown to the +stage; namely, the <em>comic</em> cut-throat. Messieurs +<em>Gabor</em> and <em>Wolfstein</em>, (played by Mr. Wright, and +the immortal <em>Geoffery Muffincap</em>, Mr. Wilkinson), treat us +with a dialogue concerning the blowing out of brains, and the +incision of weasands, which is conceived and delivered with the +broadest humour, enlivened by the choicest of jokes. They have, we +learn, been lately commissioned by <em>Ottocar</em> to murder +<em>Rudolph</em>, the exiled Duke of Hapsburgh, who is to pass that +way; but he does not come, because his kind kinsman, +<em>Ottocar</em>, must have time to consult the god-fathers and +god-mothers of the piece, or “Witches of the Rhine;” +which he does in the “storm-reft hut of Zabaren.” This +<em>Zabaren</em> is a hospitable gentleman, who sings a good song, +sees much company, and is played by that convivial genius Paul +Bedford. <em>Ottocar</em> is introduced amongst other friends to a +“speaking spirit,” who, being personated by Miss +Terrey, utters a terrible prediction. We could not quite make out +the purport of this augury; nor were we much grieved at the loss; +feeling assured that the next two acts would be occupied in +fulfilling it. The funny bravoes present themselves in the next +scene, and exit to stab one of two brothers, who goes off evidently +for that purpose, judiciously coming back to die in the arms of +<em>Count Rudolph</em>, for whom he has been mistaken. Under such +circumstances it is but fair that the prince should repay the +obligation he owes his friend for being killed in his stead, by +promising protection to the widow and child. The oath he takes +would be doubly binding (for he promises to become a brother to the +wife, and not content with thus making himself the child’s +uncle, swears to be his father too), if the husband did not die +before he has had time to utter his wife’s name. All these +affairs having been settled, the prologue—which used to be +called the first act—ends.</p> +<p>Fifteen years are supposed to elapse before the curtain is again +rolled up; and that this allusion may be rendered the more perfect, +the audience is kept waiting about three times fifteen minutes, to +amuse one another during the <em>entr’acte</em>. We next +learn that <em>Rudolph</em> is seated upon his ducal throne, +fortunate in the possession of a paragon-wife, and a steward of the +household not to be equalled—no other than +<em>Ottocar</em>—that particular friend, who, in the +prologue, tried to get a finis put to his mortal career. The jocose +ruffians here enliven the scene—one by being cast into a +dungeon for asking <em>Ottocar</em> (evidently the Colburn of his +day), an exorbitant price for the copyright of a certain +manuscript; the other, by calling the courtier a man of genius, and +being taken into his service, as no doubt, “first +robber.” To support this character, a change of apparel is +necessary: and no wonder, for <em>Wolfstein</em> has on precisely +the same clothes he wore fifteen years before.</p> +<p>His first job is to steal a casket; but is declined, probably, +because <em>Wolfstein</em>, being a professor of the capital crime, +considers mere larceny <em>infra dig</em>. A “second +robber” must therefore be hired, and <em>Ottocar</em> has one +already preserved in the castle dungeons, in the person of a dumb +prisoner. Dummy comes on, and the auditors at once recognise the +“brother” who was not murdered in the prologue. He +steals the casket, and <em>Ottocar</em> steals off.</p> +<p>The duke and duchess next enter into a dialogue, the subject of +which is one <em>Wilhelm</em>, a young standard-bearer, who +appears; and having said a few words exits, that <em>Ida</em>, the +duchess, might inform us, in a soliloquy, what we have already +shrewdly suspected, namely—that the ensign is her son; +another presentiment comes into one’s mind, which one +don’t think it fair to the author and his story to entertain +till the proper time. A sort of secret interview between the mother +and son now takes place, which ends by the imprisonment of the +latter; why is not explained at the moment; nor, indeed, till the +next scene, when it is quite apparent; for if one sees an +impregnable castle, rigidly guarded by supernumeraries, with an +impassable river, bristling with <em>chevaux-de-frise</em> it is +impossible to get over, and a moat that it would be death to cross, +a prison-escape may be surely calculated upon. In the present +instance, this formulary is not omitted, for <em>Wilhelm</em> jumps +into the river from a bridge which he has contrived to reach. +Though several shots are fired into the tank of water that +represents the Rhine, there is no hissing; on the contrary, the +second act ends amidst general applause; which indeed it deserves, +for the scenery is magnificent.</p> +<p>“The Ancient Arch in the Black Forest,” is a sort of +house of call for witches, and it being seen during their +merry-making, or holiday, is rendered more picturesque by the +<em>Devil’s</em> “Ha, ha!” The hospitable +<em>Zabaren</em> entertains hundreds of witches, of all sorts and +sizes, who dance all manner of country-dances, and sing a series of +songs and choruses, in which the “Ha! ha!” is again +conspicuously introduced. It seems that German witches not only +ride upon brooms, but sweep with them; and a company of +supernatural Jack Rags perform sundry gyrations peculiarly +interesting to housemaids. After about an hour’s dancing, the +witches being naturally “blown,” are just in cue for +leaving off with an airy dance called the “witches’ +whirlwind.”</p> +<p>This episode over, the plot goes on. <em>Ottocar</em> accuses +<em>Ida</em> of infidelity with <em>Wilhelm</em> to the duke; she, +in explanation, fulfils the presentiment we had some delicacy in +hinting too soon—that she is the wife of the man who was +killed in the prologue; <em>Rudolph</em> having married her in +ignorance of that fact, and by a coincidence which, though +intensely melo-dramatic, every body foresees who has ever been +three times to the Adelphi theatre.</p> +<p>To describe the last scene would be the height of presumption in +PUNCH. Nobody but “Satan” Montgomery, or the Adelphi +play-bill, is equal to the task. We quote, as preferable, the +latter authority:—“Grand inauguration of +<em>Wilhelm</em>, the rightful heir. CORAL CAVES and CRYSTAL +STREAMS: these are actually obtained by a HYDRO-SCENIC EFFECT! As +the usual area devoted to illusion becomes a reality!”</p> +<p>Besides all this, which simply means “real water,” +there is a <em>Neptune</em> in a car drawn by three sea or +ichthyological horses, having fins and web feet. There is a devil +that is seen through the whole piece, because he is supposed to be +invisible (cleverly played by Mr. Wieland), and who having dived +into the water, is fished out of it, and sent flying into the +flies. This sending a devil upward, is a new way of</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/013-12.png"><img src= +"images/013-12.png" alt= +"An artist paints a portrait of a black man." id="img013-12" name= +"img013-12" width="50%" /></a> +<p>TAKING OFF THE DARK GENTLEMAN.</p> +</div> +<p>Being dripping wet, the demon in his ascent seriously incommodes +<em>Neptune</em>; who, not being used to the water, looks about in +great distress, evidently for an umbrella. After several glares of +several coloured fires, the curtain falls.</p> +<p>Seriously, the scenic effects of this piece do great credit to +Mr. Yates’s “imagination,” and to the handiwork +of his “own peculiar artists.” It is very proper that +they should be immortalised in the advertisements; by which the +public are informed that the scenery is by Pitt, (where is +Tomkins?) and others: the machinery by Mr. Hayley, and the +<em>lightning</em> by the direction of Mr. Outhwaite! Bat will the +public be satisfied with such scanty information? Who, they will +ask the manager, rolls the thunder? who supplies the coloured +fires? who flashes the lightning? who beats the gong? who grinds up +the curtain? Let Mr. Yates be speedy in relieving the breathless +curiosity of his patrons on these points, or look to his +benches.</p> +<hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +1, October 9, 1841, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14931-h.htm or 14931-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/9/3/14931/ + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, October 9, 1841 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14931] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 1. + + + +FOR THE WEEK ENDING OCTOBER 9, 1841. + + * * * * * + + +A MANUAL OF DENOUEMENTS. + + "In the king's name, + Let fall your swords and daggers."--CRITIC. + +[Illustration: A]A melo-drama is a theatrical dose in two or three acts, +according to the strength of the constitution of the audience. Its +component parts are a villain, a lover, a heroine, a comic character, and +an executioner. These having simmered and macerated through all manner of +events, are strained off together into the last scene; and the +effervescence which then ensues is called the _denouement_, and the +_denouement_ is the soul of the drama. + +_Denouements_ are of three kinds:--The natural, the unnatural, and the +supernatural. + +The "natural" is achieved when no probabilities are violated;--that is, +when the circumstances are such as really might occur--if we could only +bring ourselves to think so--as, (_ex. gr._) + +When the villain, being especially desirous to preserve and secrete +certain documents of vital importance to himself and to the piece, does, +most unaccountably, mislay them in the most conspicuous part of the stage, +and straightway they are found by the very last member of the _dram. +pers._ in whose hands he would like to see them. + +When the villain and his accomplice, congratulating each other on the +successful issue of their crimes, and dividing the spoil thereof (which +they are always careful to do in a loud voice, and in a room full of +closets), are suddenly set upon and secured by the innocent yet suspected +and condemned parties, who are at that moment passing on their way to +execution. + +When the guiltless prisoner at the bar, being asked for his defence, and +having no witnesses to call, produces a checked handkerchief, and +subpoenas his own conscience, which has such an effect on the villain, +that he swoons, and sees demons in the jury-box, and tells them that "he +is ready," and that "he comes," &c. &c. + +When the deserter, being just about to be shot, is miraculously saved by +his mistress, who cuts the matter very fine indeed, by rushing in between +"present" and "fire;" and, having ejaculated "a reprieve!" with all her +might, falls down, overcome by fatigue--poor dear! as well she may--having +run twenty-three miles in the changing of a scene, and carried her baby on +her arm all the blessed way, in order to hold him up in the tableau at the +end. + +N.B.--Whenever married people rescue one another as above, the +"_denouement_" belongs to the class "unnatural;" which is used when the +author wishes to show the intensity of his invention--as, (_ex. gr._ +again) + +When an old man, having been wounded fatally by a young man, requests, as +a boon, to be permitted to examine the young man's neck, who, accordingly +unloosing his cravat, displays a hieroglyphic neatly engraved thereon, +which the old man interprets into his being a parricide, and then dies, +leaving the young man in a state of histrionic stupor. + +When a will is found embellished with a Daguerreotype of four fingers and +a thumb, done in blood on the cover, and it turns out that the residuary +legatee is no better than he should be--but, on the contrary, a murderer +nicely ripe for killing. + +The "supernatural" _denouement_ is the last resource of a bewildered +dramatist, and introduces either an individual in green scales and wings +to match, who gives the audience to understand that he is a fiend, and +that he has private business to transact below with the villain; who, +accordingly, withdraws in his company, with many throes and groans, down +the trap. + +Or a pale ghost in dingy lawn, apparently afflicted with a serious +haemorrhage in the bosom, who appears to a great many people, running, in +dreams; and at last joins the hands of the young couple, and puts in a +little plea of her own for a private burial. + +And there are many other variations of the three great classes of +_denouements_; such as the helter-skelter +nine-times-round-the-stage-combat, and the grand _melee_ in which +everybody kills everybody else, and leaves the piece to be carried on by +their executors; but we dare unveil the mystery no further. + + * * * * * + + +SPORTING FACE. + +"Well," said Roebuck to O'Connell, "despite Peel's double-face +propensities, he is a great genius." "A great _Janus_ indeed," answered +the _liberathor_. + + * * * * * + + +"A RING! A RING!!" + +The political pugilistic scrimmage which recently took place in the House +of Congress so completely coincides with the views and propensities of the +"universal scrimmage" member for Bath, that he intends making a motion for +the erection of a twenty-four-foot-ring on the floor of the House, for the +benefit of opposition members. The Speaker, says Roebuck, will, in that +case, be enabled to ascertain whether the "noes" or "ayes" have it, +without tellers. + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH'S GUIDE TO THE WATERING PLACES.--No. 1. + +BRIGHTON + +If you are either in a great hurry, or tired of life, book yourself by the +Brighton railroad, and you are ensured one of two things--arrival in two +hours, or destruction by that rapid process known in America as "immortal +smash," which brings you to the end of your journey before you get to the +terminus. Should you fortunately meet with the former result, and finish +your trip without ending your mortal career, you find the place beset with +cads and omnibuses, which are very convenient; for if your hotel or +boarding-house be at the extremity of the town, you would have to walk at +least half a mile but for such vehicles, and they only charge sixpence, +with the additional advantage of the great chance of your luggage being +lost. If you be a married man, you will go to an hotel where you can get a +bed for half-a-guinea a night, provided you do not want it warmed, and use +your own soap; but it is five shillings extra if you do. Should you be a +bachelor, or an old maid, you, of course, put up at a boarding-house, +where you see a great deal of good society at two guineas a week; for +every third man is a captain, and every fifth woman "my lady." There, too, +you observe a continual round of courtship going on; for it comes in with +the coffee, and continues during every meal. "Marriages," it is said, "are +made in heaven"--good matches are always got up at meal-times in Brighton +boarding-houses. + +Brighton is decidedly a fishing-town, for besides the quantity of John +Dorys caught there, it is a celebrated place for pursey half-pay officers +to angle in for rich widows. The bait they generally use consists of dyed +whiskers, and a distant relationship to some of the "gentles" or nobles of +the land. The town itself is built upon _the downs_--a series of hills, +which those in the habit of walking over them are apt to call "ups and +downs." It consists entirely of hotels, boarding-houses, and +bathing-machines, with a pavilion and a chain-pier. The amusements are +various, and of a highly intellectual character: the chief of them being a +walk from the esplanade to the east cliff, and a promenade back again from +the east cliff to the esplanade. Donkey-races are in full vogue, insomuch +that the highways are thronged with interesting animals, decorated with +serge-trappings and safety-saddles, and interspersed with goat-carts and +hired flys. There is a library, where the visiters do everything but read; +and a theatre, where--as Charles Kean is now playing there--they do +anything but act. The ladies seem to take great delight in the sea-bath, +and that they may enjoy the luxury in the most secluded privacy, the +machines are placed as near to the pier as possible. This is always +crowded with men, who, by the aid of opera glasses, find it a pleasing +pastime to watch the movements of the delicate Naiads who crowd the +waters. + +Those to whom Brighton is recommended for change of air and of scene get +sadly taken in, for here the air--like that of a barrel-organ--never +changes, as the wind is always high. In sunshine, Brighton always looks +hot; in moonshine, eternally dreary; the men are yawning all day long, and +the women sitting smirking in bay-windows, or walking with puppy-dogs and +parasols, which last they are continually opening and shutting. In short, +when a man is sick of the world, or a maiden of forty-five has been so +often crossed in love as to be obliged to leave off hoping against hope, +Brighton is an excellent place to prepare him or her for a final +retirement from life--whether that is contemplated in the Queen's Bench, a +convent, a residence among the Welsh mountains, or the monastery of La +Trappe, a month's probation in Brighton, at the height of the season, +being well calculated to make any such change not only endurable, but +agreeable. + + * * * * * + + +CUSTOM-HOUSE SALE. LOT 1.--A PORT. + + For sale, Thorwaldsen's Byron, rich in beauty, + Because his country owes, and will not pay, "duty." + + * * * * * + + +THE HEIR OF APPLEBITE. + +CHAPTER VI. + +TREATS OF CHALK-AND-QUA-DRILL-OGY. + +[Illustration: E]Entirely disgusted with his unsuccessful appeal to the +enlightened British public assembled in the front of his residence, and +which had produced effects so contrary to what he had conceived would be +the result, Agamemnon called a committee of his household, to determine on +the most advisable proceedings to be adopted for remedying the evils +resulting from the unexpected pyrotechnic display of the morning. The +carpet was spoiled--the house was impregnated with the sooty effluvia, and +the company was expected to arrive at nine o'clock. What was to be done? +Betty suggested the burning of brown paper and scrubbing the carpet; John, +assafoetida and sawdust; Mrs. Waddledot, pastilles and chalking the floor. +As the latter remedies seemed most compatible with the gentility of their +expected visiters, immediate measures were taken for carrying them into +effect. A dozen cheese-plates were disposed upon the stairs, each +furnished with little pyramids of fragrance; old John, who was troubled +with an asthma, was deputed to superintend them, and nearly coughed +himself into a fit of apoplexy in the strenuous discharge of his duty. + +Whilst these in-door remedial appliances were in progress, Agamemnon was +hurrying about in a hack cab to discover a designer in chalk, and at +length was fortunate enough to secure the "own artist" of the celebrated +"Crown and Anchor." Mr. Smear was a shrewd man, as well as an excellent +artist; and when he perceived the very peculiar position of things, he +forcibly enumerated all the difficulties which presented themselves, and +which could only be surmounted by a large increase of remuneration. + +"You see, sir," said Mr. Smear, "that wherever that ere water _has_ been +it's left a dampness ahind it; the moistur' consekent upon such a dampness +must be evaporated by ever-so-many applications of the warming-pan. The +steam which a rises from this hoperation, combined with the extra hart +required to hide them two black spots in the middle, will make the job +come to one-pund-one, independently of the chalk." + +Agamemnon had nothing left but compliance with Mr. Smear's demand; and one +warming and three stew-pans, filled with live coals, were soon engaged in +what Mr. Smear called the "ewaporating department." As soon as the boards +were sufficiently dry, Mr. Smear commenced operations. In each of the four +corners of the room he described the diagram of a coral and bells, +connecting them with each other by graceful festoons of blue-chalk ribbon +tied in large true-lover's knots in the centre. Having thus completed a +frame, he proceeded, after sundry contortions of the facial muscles, to +the execution of the great design. Having described an ellipse of red +chalk, he tastefully inserted within it a perfect representation of the +interior of an infant's mouth in an early stage of dentition, whilst a +graceful letter _A_ seemed to keep the gums apart to allow of this +artistical exhibition. Proudly did Mr. Smear cast his small grey eyes on +Agamemnon, and challenge him, as it were, to a laudatory acknowledgment of +his genius; but as his patron remained silent, Mr. Smear determined to +speak out. + +"Hart has done her best--language must do the rest. I am now only awaiting +for the motter. What shall I say, sir?" + +"'Welcome' is as good as anything, in my opinion," replied Collumpsion. + +"Welcome!" ejaculated Smear: "a servile himitation of a general +'lumination idea, sir. We must be original. Will you leave it to me?" + +"Willingly," said Agamemnon. And with many inward protestations against +parties in general and his own in particular, he left Mr. Smear and his +imagination together. + +The great artist in chalk paced the room for some minutes, and then +slapped his left thigh, in confirmation of the existence of some brilliant +idea. The result was soon made apparent on the boards of the drawing-room, +where the following inscription attested the immensity of Smear's genius-- + + "PARTAKE + OF + OUR + DENTAL DELIGHT." + +The guinea was instantly paid; but Collumpsion was for a length of time in +a state of uncertainty as to whether Mr. Smear's talents were ornamental +or disfigurative. Nine o'clock arrived, and with it a rumble of vehicles, +and an agitation of knocker, that were extremely exhilarating to the +heretofore exhausted and distressed family at 24. + +We shall not attempt to particularise the arrivals, as they were precisely +the same set as our readers have invariably met at routs of the second +class for these last five years. There was the young gentleman in an +orange waistcoat, bilious complexion, and hair _a la Petrarch_, only +gingered; and so also were the two Misses ----, in blue gauze, looped up +with coral,--and that fair-haired girl who "detethted therry," and those +black eyes, whose lustrous beauty made such havoc among the untenanted +hearts of the youthful beaux;--but, reader, you _must_ know the set that +_must_ have visited the Applebites. + +All went "merry as a marriage bell," and we feel that we cannot do better +than assist future commentators by giving a minute analysis of a word +which so frequently occurs in the fashionable literature of the present +day that doubtlessly in after time many anxious inquiries and curious +conjectures would be occasioned, but for the service we are about to +confer on posterity (for the pages of PUNCH are immortal) by a description +of + +A QUADRILLE: + +which is a dance particularly fashionable in the nineteenth century. In +order to render our details perspicuous and lucid, we will suppose-- + + 1.--A gentleman in tight pantaloons and a tip. + 2.--Ditto in loose ditto, and a camellia japonica in the + button-hole of his coat. + 3.--Ditto in a crimson waistcoat, and a pendulating eye-glass. + 4.--Ditto in violent wristbands, and an alarming eruption of buttons. + + ALSO, + + 1.--A young lady in pink-gauze and freckles. + 2.--Ditto in book-muslin and marabouts. + 3.--Ditto with blonde and a slight cast. + 4.--Ditto in her 24th year, and black satin. + +The four gentlemen present themselves to the four ladies, and having +smirked and "begged the honour," the four pairs take their station in the +room in the following order: + + The tip and the + freckles. + + The camelia japonica, The crimson waistcoat, + and the and the + marabouts. slight cast. + + The violent wristbands + and the + black satin. + + +During eight bars of music, tip, crimson, camellia, and wristbands, bow to +freckles, slight cast, marabouts, and black satin, who curtsey in return, +and then commence + +LA PANTALON, + +by performing an intersecting figure that brings all parties exactly where +they were; which joyous circumstance is celebrated by bobbing for four +bars opposite to each other, and then indulging in a universal twirl which +apparently offends the ladies, who seize hold of each other's hands only +to leave go again, and be twirled round by the opposite gentleman, who, +having secured his partner, promenades her half round to celebrate his +victory, and then returns to his place with his partner, performing a +similar in-and-out movement as that which commenced _la Pantalon_. + +L'ETE + +is a much more respectful operation. Referring to our previous +arrangement, wristbands and freckles would advance and retire--then they +would take two hops and a jump to the right, then two hops and a jump to +the left--then cross over, and there hop and jump the same number of times +and come back again, and having celebrated their return by bobbing for +four bars, they twirl their partners again, and commence + +LA POULE. + +The crimson waistcoat and marabouts would shake hands with their right, +and then cross over, and having shaken hands again with the left, come +back again. They then would invite the camellia and the slight cast to +join them, and perform a kind of wild Indian dance "all of a row." After +which they all walk to the sides they have no business upon, and then +crimson runs round marabout, and taking his partner's hand, _i.e._, the +slight cast, introduces her to camellia and marabout, as though they had +never met before. This introduction is evidently disagreeable, for they +instantly retire, and then rush past each other, as furiously as they can, +to their respective places. + +LA TRENISE + +is evidently intended to "trot out" the dancers. Freckles and black satin +shake hands as they did in _la Pantalon_, and then freckles trots tip out +twice, and crosses over to the opposite side to have a good look at him; +having satisfied her curiosity, she then, in company with black satin, +crosses over to have a stare at the violent wristbands, in contrast with +tip who wriggles over, and join him, and then, without saying a word to +each other, bob, and are twirled as in _l'Ete_. + +LA PASTORALE + +seems to be an inversion of _la Trenise_, except that in nineteen cases +out of twenty, the waistcoat, tip, camellia and wristbands, seem to +undergo intense mental torture; for if there be such a thing as "poetry of +motion," _pastorale_ must be the "Inferno of Dancing." + +LA FINALE + +commences with a circular riot, which leads to _l'Ete_. The ladies then +join hands, and endeavour to imitate the graceful evolutions of a +windmill, occasionally grinding the corns of their partners, who +frantically rush in with the quixotic intention of stopping them. A +general shuffling about then takes place, which terminates in a bow, a +bob, and "allow me to offer you some refreshment." + +_Malheureux!_ we have devoted so much space to the quadrille, that we have +left none for the supper, which being a cold one, will keep till next week. + + * * * * * + + +THE GENTLEMAN'S OWN BOOK. + +We are ashamed to ask our readers to refer to our last article under the +title of the "Gentleman's Own Book," for the length of time which has +elapsed almost accuses us of disinclination for our task, or weariness in +catering for the amusement of our subscribers. But September--September, +with all its allurements of flood and field--its gathering of honest old +friends--its tales of by-gone seasons, and its glorious promises of the +present--must plead our apology for abandoning our pen and rushing back to +old associations, which haunt us like + +[Illustration: THE SPELLS OF CHILDHOOD.] + +We know that we are forgiven, so shall proceed at once to the +consideration of the ornaments and pathology of coats. + +THE ORNAMENTS + +are those parts of the external decorations which are intended either to +embellish the person or garment, or to notify the pecuniary superiority of +the wearer. Amongst the former are to be included buttons, braids, and +mustachios; amongst the latter, chains, rings, studs, canes, watches, and +above all, those pocket talismans, purses. There are also riding-whips and +spurs, which may be considered as _implying_ the possession of quadrupedal +property. + +_Of Buttons_.--In these days of innovation--when Brummagem button-makers +affect a taste and elaboration of design--a true gentleman should be most +careful in the selection of this _dulce et utile_ contrivance. Buttons +which resemble gilt acidulated drops, or ratafia cakes, or those which are +illustrative of the national emblems--the rose, shamrock, and thistle tied +together like a bunch of faded watercresses, or those which are +commemorative of coronations, royal marriages, births, and christenings, +chartist liberations, the success of liberal measures, and such like +occasions, or those which would serve for vignettes for the _Sporting +Magazine_, or those which at a distance bear some resemblance to the royal +arms, but which, upon closer inspection, prove to be bunches of endive, +surmounted by a crown which the Herald's College does not recognise, or +those which have certain letters upon them, as the initials of clubs which +are never heard of in St. James's, as the U.S.C.--the Universal Shopmen's +Club; T.Y.C.--the Young Tailors' Club; L.S.D.--the Linen Drapers' +Society--and the like. All these are to be fashionably eschewed. The +regimental, the various hunts, the yacht clubs, and the basket pattern, +are the only buttons of Birmingham birth which can be allowed to associate +with the button-holes of a gentleman. + +The restrictions on silk buttons are confined chiefly to magnitude. They +must not be so large as an opera ticket, nor so small as a silver penny. + +_Of Braids_.--This ornament, when worn in the street, is patronised +exclusively by Polish refugees, theatrical Jews, opera-dancers, and +boarding-house fortune-hunters. + +_Of Mustachios_.--The mustachio depends for its effect entirely upon its +adaptation to the expression of the features of the wearer. The small, or +_moustache a la chinoise_, should only appear in conjunction with Tussaud, +or waxwork complexions, and then only provided the teeth are excellent; +for should the dental conformation be of the same tint, the mustachios +would only provoke observation. The German, or full hearth-brush, should +be associated with what Mr. Ducrow would designate a "cream," and +everybody else a drab countenance, and should never be resorted to, except +in conformity with regimental requisitions, or for the capture of an Irish +widow, as they are generally indigenous to Boulogne and the Bench, and are +known amongst tailors and that class of clothier victims as "bad debts," +or "the insolvency regulation," and operate with them as an insuperable +bar to + +[Illustration: PASSING A BILL.] + +The perfect, or heart-meshes, are those in which each particular hair has +its particular place, and must be of a silky texture, and not of a bristly +consistency, like a worn-out tooth-brush. Neither must they be of a bright +red, bearing a striking resemblance to two young spring radishes. + +The _barbe au bonc_, or _Muntzian fringe_, should only be worn when a +gentleman is desirous of obtaining notoriety, and prefers trusting to his +external embellishments in preference to his intellectual acquirements. + +_On Tips_.--Tips are an abomination to which no gentleman can lend his +countenance. They are a shabby and mangy compromise for mustachios, and +are principally sported by the genus of clerks, who, having strong hirsute +predilections, small salaries, and sober-minded masters, hang a tassel on +the chin instead of a vallance on the upper lip. + +Our space warns us to conclude, and, as a fortnight's indolence is not the +strongest stimulant to exertion, we willingly drop our pen, and taking the +hint and a cigar, indulge in a voluminous cloud, and a lusty + +[Illustration: CARMEN TRIUMPHALE.] + + * * * * * + + +"HABIT IS SECOND NATURE." + +FEARGUS O'CONNOR always attends public meetings, dressed in a complete +suit of fustian. He could not select a better emblem of his writings in +the _Northern Star_, than the material he has chosen for his habiliments. + + * * * * * + + +"THE SUBSTANCE AND THE SHADOW." + +We understand that Sir Robert Peel has sent for the fasting man, with the +intention of seeing how far his system may be acted upon for _the relief_ +of the community. + + * * * * * + + +"SAY IT WAS ME." + +"Jem! you rascal, get up! get up, and be hanged to you, sir; don't you +hear somebody hammering and pelting away at the street-door knocker, like +the ghost of a dead postman with a tertian ague! Open it! see what's the +matter, will you?" + +"Yes, sir!" responded the tame tiger of the excited and highly respectable +Adolphus Casay, shiveringly emerging from beneath the bed-clothes he had +diligently wrapped round his aching head, to deaden the incessant clamour +of the iron which was entering into the soul of his sleep. A +hastily-performed toilet, in which the more established method of encasing +the lower man with the front of the garment to the front of the wearer, +was curiously reversed, and the capture of the left slipper, which, as the +weakest goes to the wall, the right foot had thrust itself into, was +scarcely effected, ere another series of knocks at the door, and batch of +invectives from Mr. Adolphus Casay, hurried the partial sacrificer to the +Graces, at a Derby pace, over the cold stone staircase, to discover the +cause of the confounded uproar. The door was opened--a confused jumble of +unintelligible mutterings aggravated the eager ears of the shivering +Adolphus. Losing all patience, he exclaimed, in a tone of thunder-- + +"What is it, you villain? Can't you speak?" + +"Yes, sir, in course I can." + +"Then why don't you, you imp of mischief?" + +"I'm a-going to." + +"Do it at once--let me know the worst. Is it fire, murder, or thieves?" + +"Neither, sir; it's A1, with a dark lantern." + +"What, in the name of persecution and the new police, does A1, with a dark +lantern, want with me?" + +"Please, sir, Mr. Brown Bunkem has give him half-a-crown." + +"Well, you little ruffian, what's that to me?" + +"Why, sir, he guv it him to come here, and ask you--" + +Here policeman A1, with the dark lantern, took up the conversation. + +"Jist to step down to the station-'us, and bail him therefrom--" + +"For what!" + +"Being werry drunk--uncommon overcome, surely--and oudacious +obstropelous." continued the alphabetically and numerically-distinguished +conservator of the public peace. + +"How did he get there?" + +"On a werry heavily-laden stretcher." + +"The deuce take the mad fool," muttered the disturbed housekeeper; then +added, in a louder tone, "Ask the policeman in, and request him to take--" + +"Anything you please, sir; it is rather a cold night, but as we're all in +a hurry, suppose it's something short, sir." + +Now the original proposition, commencing with the word "take," was meant +by its propounder to achieve its climax in "a seat on one of the hall +chairs;" but the liquid inferences of A1, with a dark lantern, had the +desired effect, and induced a command from Mr. Adolphus Casay to the small +essential essence of condensed valetanism in the person of Jim Pipkin, to +produce the case-bottles for the discussion of the said A1, with the dark +lantern, who gained considerably in the good opinion of Mr. James Pipkin, +by requesting the favour of his company in the bibacious avocation he so +much delighted in. + +A1 having expressed a decided conviction that, anywhere but on the collar +of his coat, or the date of monthly imprisonments, his distinguishing +number was the most unpleasant and unsocial of the whole multiplication +table, further proceeded to illustrate his remarks by proposing glasses +two and three, to the great delight and inebriation of the small James +Pipkin, who was suddenly aroused from a dreamy contemplation of two +policemen, and increased service of case-bottles and liquor-glasses, by a +sound box on the ear, and a stern command to retire to his own proper +dormitory--the one coming from the hand, the other from the lips, of his +annoyed master, who then and there departed, under the guidance of A1, +with the dark lantern. After passing various lanes and weary ways, the +station was reached, and there, in the full plenitude of glorious +drunkenness, lay his friend, the identical Mr. Brown Bunkem, who, in the +emphatic words of the inspector, was declared to be "just about as far +gone as any gentleman's son need wish to be." + +"What's the charge?" commenced Mr. Adolphus Casay. + +"Eleven shillings a bottle.--Take it out o'that, and d--n the expense," +interposed and hiccoughed the overtaken Brown Bunkem. + +"Drunk, disorderly, and very abusive," read the inspector. + +"Go to blazes!" shouted Bunkem, and then commenced a very vague edition of +"God save the Queen," which, by some extraordinary "sliding scale," +finally developed the last verse of "Nix my Dolly," which again, at the +mention of the "stone jug," flew off into a very apocryphal version of the +"Bumper of Burgundy;" the lines "upstanding, uncovered," appeared at once +to superinduce the opinion that greater effect would be given to his +performance by complying with both propositions. In attempting to assume +the perpendicular, Mr. Brown Bunkem was signally frustrated, as the result +was a more perfect development of his original horizontal recumbency, +assumed at the conclusion of a very vigorous fall. To make up for this +deficiency, the suggestion as to the singer appearing uncovered, was +achieved with more force than propriety, by Mr. Brown Bunkem's nearly +displacing several of the inspector's front teeth, by a blow from his +violently-hurled hat at the head of that respectable functionary. + +What would have followed, it is impossible to say; but at this moment Mr. +Adolphus Casay's bail was accepted, he being duly bound down, in the sum +of twenty pounds, to produce Mr. Brown Bunkem at the magistrate's office +by eleven o'clock of the following forenoon. This being settled, in spite +of a vigorous opposition, with the assistance of five half-crowns, four +policemen, the driver of, and hackney-coach No. 3141, Mr. Brown Bunkem was +conveyed to his own proper lodgings, and there left, with one boot and a +splitting headache, to do duty for a counterpane, he vehemently opposing +every attempt to make him a deposit between the sheets.--Seven o'clock on +the following morning found Mr. Adolphus Casay at the bedside of the +violently-snoring and stupidly obfuscated Brown Bunkem. In vain he +pinched, shook, shouted, and swore; inarticulate grunts and apoplectic +denunciations against the disturber of his rest were the only answers to +his urgent appeals as to the necessity of Mr. Brown Bunkem's getting ready +to appear before the magistrate. Visions of contempt of court, forfeited +bail, and consequent disbursements, flitted before the mind of the +agitated Mr. Adolphus Casay. Ten o'clock came; Bunken seemed to snore the +louder and sleep the sounder. What was to be done? why, nothing but to get +up an impromptu influenza, and try his rhetoric on the presiding +magistrates of the bench. + +Influenced by this determination, Mr. Adolphus Casay started for that den +of thieves and magistrates in the neighbourhood of Bow-street; but Mr. +Adolphus Casay's feelings were anything but enviable; though by no means a +straitlaced man, he had an instinctive abhorrence of anything that +appeared a blackguard transaction. Nothing but a kind wish to serve a +friend would have induced him to appear within a mile of such a wretched +place; but the thing was now unavoidable, so he put the best face he could +on the matter, made his way to the clerk of the Court, and there, in a low +whisper, began his explanation, that being "how Mr. Brown Bunkem"--at this +moment the crier shouted-- + +"Bunkem! Where's Bunkem?" + +"I am here!" said Mr. Adolphus Casay; "here to"-- + +"Step inside, Bunkem," shouted a sturdy auxiliary; and with considerable +manual exertion and remarkable agility, he gave the unfortunate Adolphus a +peculiar twist that at once deposited him behind the bar and before the +bench. + +"I beg to state," commenced the agitated and innocent Adolphus. + +"Silence, prisoner!" roared the crier. + +"Will you allow me to say,"--again commenced Adolphus-- + +"Hold your tongue!" vociferated P74. + +"I must and will be heard." + +"Young man," said the magistrate, laying down the paper, "you are doing +yourself no good; be quiet. Clerk, read the charge." + +After some piano mumbling, the words +"drunk--abusive--disorderly--incapable--taking care of +self--stretcher--station-house--bail," were shouted out in the most +fortissimo manner. + +At the end of the reading, all eyes were directed to the well-dressed and +gentlemanly-looking Adolphus. He appeared to excite universal sympathy. + +"What have you to say, young man?" + +"Why, your worship, the charge is true; but"-- + +"Oh! never mind your buts. Will you ever appear in the same situation +again?" + +"Upon my soul I won't; but"-- + +"There, then, that will do; I like your sincerity, but don't swear. Pay +one shilling, and you are discharged." + +"Will your worship allow me"-- + +"I have no time, sir. Next case." + +"But I must explain." + +"Next case. Hold your jaw!--this way!"--and the same individual who had +jerked Mr. Adolphus Casay into the dock, rejerked him into the middle of +the court. The shilling was paid, and, amid the laughter of the idlers at +his anti-teetotal habits, he made the best of his way from the scene of +his humiliation. As he rushed round the corner of the street, a peal of +laughter struck upon his ears, and there, in full feather, as sober as +ever, stood Mr. Brown Bunkem, enjoying the joke beyond all measure. +Indignation took possession of Mr. Adolphus Casay's bosom; he demanded to +know the cause of this strange conduct, stating that his character was for +ever compromised. + +"Not at all," coolly rejoined the unmoved Bunkem; "we are all subject to +accidents. You certainly were in a scrape, but I think none the worse of +you; and, if it's any satisfaction, you may say it was me." + +"Say it was you! Why it was." + +"Capital, upon my life! do you hear him, Smith, how well he takes a cue? +but stick to it, old fellow, I don't think you'll be believed; but--_say +it was me._" + +Mr. Brown Bunkem was perfectly right. Mr. Adolphus Casay was not believed; +for some time he told the story as it really was, but to no purpose. The +indefatigable Brown was always appealed to by mutual friends, his answer +invariably was-- + +"Why, _Casay's_ a steady fellow, _I_ am not; it _might_ injure him. _I_ +defy report; therefore I gave him leave to--_say it was me!_" + +And that was all the thanks Mr. Adolphus Casay ever got for bailing +friend. + +FUSBOS + + * * * * * + + +THE POLITICAL EUCLID. + +WHEREIN ARE CONSIDERED + +THE RELATIONS OF PLACE; + +OR + +THE BEST MODE OF + +GETTING A PLACE FOR YOUR RELATIONS: + +Being a complete Guide to the Art of + +LEGISLATIVE MENSURATION, + +OR, + +How to estimate the value of a Vote upon + +WHIG AND TORY MEASURES. + +THE WHOLE ADAPTED TO + +THE USE OF HONOURABLE MEMBERS. + +BY + +LORD PALMERSTON, + +_Late Professor of Toryism, but now Lecturer on Whiggery to the College of +St. Stephen's._ + + * * * * * + +BOOK I.--DEFINITIONS. + +A point in politics is that which always has _place_ (in view,) but no +particular party. + +A line in politics is interest without principle. + +The extremities of a line are loaves and fishes. + +A right line is that which lies evenly between the Ministerial and +Opposition benches. + +A superficies is that which professes to have principle, but has no +consistency. + +The extremities of a superficies are expediencies. + +A plain superficies is that of which two opposite speeches being taken, +the line between them evidently lies wholly in the direction of +Downing-street. + +A plain angle is the evident inclination, and consequent piscation, of a +member for a certain place; or it is the meeting together of two members +who are not in the same line of politics. + +When a member sits on the cross benches, and shows no particular +inclination to one side or the other, it is called a right angle. + +An obtuse angle is that in which the inclination is _evidently_ to the +Treasury. + +An acute angle is that in which the inclination is _apparently_ to the +Opposition benches. + +A boundary is the extremity or whipper-in of any party. + +A party is that which is kept together by one or more whippers-in. + +A circular member is a rum figure, produced by turning round; and is such +that all lines of politics centre in himself, and are the same to him. + +The diameter of a circular member is a line drawn on the Treasury, and +terminating in both pockets. + +Trilateral members, or waverers, are those which have three sides. + +Of three-sided members an equilateral or independent member is that to +which all sides are the same. + +An isosceles or vacillating member is that to which two sides only are the +same. + +A scalene or scaly member has no one side which is equal to his own +interest. + +Parallel lines of politics are such as are in the same direction--say +Downing-street; but which, being produced ever so far--say to Windsor--do +not meet. + +A political problem is a Tory proposition, showing that the country is to +be done. + +A theorem is a Whig proposition--the benefit of which to any one but the +Whigs always requires to be demonstrated. + +A corollary is the consequent confusion brought about by adopting the +preceding Whig proposition. + +A deduction is that which is drawn from the revenue by adopting the +preceding Whig proposition. + + * * * * * + + +MAJOR BENIOWSKY'S NEW ART OF MEMORY + +A gentleman who boasts one of those proper names in _sky_ which are +naturally enough transmitted "from _pole to pole_," undertakes to teach +the art of remembering upon entirely new principles. We know not what the +merit of his invention may be, but we beg leave to ask the _Major_ a few +_general_ questions, and we, therefore, respectfully inquire whether his +system would be capable of effecting the following miracles:-- + +1st. Would it be possible to make Sir James Graham remember that he not +long since declared his present colleagues to be men wholly unworthy of +public confidence? + +2dly. Would Major Beniowsky's plan compel a man to remember his tailor's +bill; and, if so, would it go so far as to remind him to call for the +purpose of paying it? + +3dly. Would the new system of memory enable Mr. Wakley to refrain from +forgetting himself? + +4thly. Would the Phrenotypics, or brain-printing, as it is called, succeed +in stereotyping a pledge in the recollection of a member of parliament? + +5thly. Is it possible for the new art to cause Sir Robert Peel to remember +from one week to the other his political promises? + +We fear these questions must be answered in the negative; but we have a +plan of our own for exercising the memory, which will beat that of Beniow, +or any other sky, who ventures to propose one. Our proposition is, "_Read_ +PUNCH," and we will be bound that no one will ever forget it who has once +enjoyed the luxury. + + * * * * * + + +SONGS FOR THE SENTIMENTAL.--NO. 9. + + I wander'd through our native fields, + And one was by my side who seem'd + Fraught with each beauty nature yields, + Whilst from her eye affection beam'd. + It was so like what fairy books, + In painting heaven, are wont to tell, + That fondly I _believed_ those looks, + And found too late--'twas all a sell! + 'Twas all a sell! + + She vow'd I was her all--her life-- + And proved, methought, her words by sighs; + She long'd to hear me call her "wife," + And fed on hope which love supplies. + Ah! then I felt it had been sin + To doubt that she could e'er belie + Her vows!--I found 'twas only tin + She sought, and love was all my eye! + Was all my eye! + + * * * * * + + +SHIPPING INTELLIGENCE. + +The _Shamrock_ ran upon a timber-raft on Monday morning, and was _off +Deal_ in ten minutes afterwards. + +The storm of Thursday did considerable damage to the shipping in the +Thames. A coal was picked up off Vauxhall, which gave rise to a report +that a barge had gone down in the offing. On making inquiries at Lloyd's, +we asked what were the advices, when we were advised to mind our own +business, an answer we have too frequently received from the underlings of +that establishment. The _Bachelor_ has been telegraphed on its way up from +Chelsea. It is expected to bring the latest news relative to the +gas-lights on the Kensington-road, which, it is well known, are expected +to enjoy a disgraceful sinecure during the winter. + +Captain Snooks, of the _Daffydowndilly_, committed suicide by jumping down +the chimney of the steamer under his command. The rash act occasioned a +momentary flare up, but did not impede the action of the machinery. + +A rudder has been seen floating off Southwark. It has a piece of rope +attached to it. Lloyd's people have not been down to look at it. This +shameful neglect has occasioned much conversation in fresh-water circles, +and shows an apathy which it is frightful to contemplate. + + * * * * * + + +TO SIR ROBERT. + + Doctors, they say, are heartless, cannot feel-- + Have you no core, or are you naught but Peel? + + * * * * * + + +A PLEASANT ASSURANCE. + +The Marquis of Normandy, we perceive, has been making some inquiries +relative to the "Drainage Bills," and has been assured by Lord +Ellenborough, that the subject should meet the attention of government +during the recess. We place full reliance on his Lordship's promise--the +_drainage_ of the country has been ever a paramount object with our Whig +and Tory rulers. + + * * * * * + + +CHRISTIANITY.--PRICE FIFTEEN SHILLINGS. + +The English poor have tender teachers. In the first place, the genius of +Money, by a hundred direct and indirect lessons, preaches to them the +infamy of destitution; thereby softening their hearts to a sweet humility +with a strong sense of their wickedness. Then comes Law, with its whips +and bonds, to chastise and tie up "the offending Adam"--that is, the Adam +without a pocket,--and then the gentle violence of kindly Mother Church +leads the poor man far from the fatal presence of his Gorgon wants, to +consort him with meek-eyed Charity,--to give him glimpses of the Land of +Promise,--to make him hear the rippling waters of Eternal Truth,--to feast +his senses with the odours of Eternal sweets. Happy English poor! Ye are +not scurfed with the vanities of the flesh! Under the affectionate +discipline of the British Magi L.S.D.,--the "three kings" tasking human +muscles, banqueting on human heartstrings,--ye are happily rescued from +any visitation of those worldly comforts that hold the weakness of +humanity to life! Hence, by the benevolence of those who have only solid +acres, ye are permitted to have an unlimited portion of the sky; and +banned by the mundane ones who have wine in their cellars, and venison in +the larder from the gross diet of beer and beef--ye are permitted to take +your bellyful of the savoury food cooked for the Hebrew patriarch. Once a +week, at least, ye are invited to feast with Joseph in the house of +Pharaoh, and yet, stiff-necked generation that ye are, ye stay from the +banquet and then complain of hunger! "Shall there be no punishment for +this obduracy?" asks kindly Mother Church, her eyes red with weeping for +the hard-heartedness of her children. "Shall there be no remedy?" she +sobs, wringing her hands. Whereupon, the spotless maiden Law--that +Amazonian virgin, eldest child of violated Justice--answers, "_Fifteen +Shillings!_" + +We are indebted to Lord BROUGHAM for this new instance of the stubbornness +of the poor--for this new revelation of the pious vengeance of offended +law. A few nights since his lordship, in a motion touching prison +discipline, stated that "a man had been confined for _ten weeks_, having +been fined a shilling, and _fourteen shillings costs_, which he did not +pay, because he was absent one Sunday from church!" + +Who can doubt, that from the moment _John Jones_--(the reader may christen +the offender as he pleases)--was discharged, he became a most pious, +church-going Christian? He had been ten Sundays in prison, be it +remembered; and had therefore heard at least ten sermons. He crossed the +prison threshold a new-made man; and wending towards his happy home, had +in his face--so lately smirched with shameless vice--such lustrous glory, +that even his dearest creditors failed to recognise him! + +Beautiful is the village church of Phariseefield! Beautiful is its +antiquity--beautiful its porch, thronged with white-headed men and ruddy +little ones! Beautiful the graves, sown with immortal seed, clustering +round the building! Beautiful the vicar's horses--the vicar himself +preaches to-day,--and very beautiful indeed, the faces, ay, and the +bonnets, too, of the vicar's daughters! Beautiful the sound of the bell +that summons the lowly Christian to cast aside the pomps and vanities of +the world, and to stand for a time in utter nakedness of heart before his +Maker,--and very beautiful the silk stockings of the Dowager Lady Canaan's +footman, who carrieth with Sabbath humility his Lady's books to Church! +Yet all this beauty is as deformity to the new-born loveliness of _John +Jones_; who, on the furthermost seat--far from the vain convenience of pew +and velvet hassock--sits, and inwardly blesses the one shilling and +fourteen shillings costs, that with more than fifteen-horse power have +drawn him from the iniquities of the Jerry-shop and hustle-farthing,--to +feed upon the manna dropping from the lips of the Reverend Doctor FAT! +There sits _John Jones_, late drunkard, poacher, reprobate; but now, fined +into Christian goodness--made a very saint, according to Act of +Parliament! + +If Mother Church, with the rods of spikenard which the law hath +benevolently placed in her hands, will but whip her truant children to +their Sunday seats,--will only consent to draw them through the bars of a +prison to their Sabbath sittings,--will teach them the real value of +Christianity, it being according to her own estimate--_with the +expenses_--exactly fifteen shillings,--sure we are, that Radicalism and +Chartism, and all the many foul pustules that, in the conviction of Holy +Church, are at this moment poisoning and enervating the social body, will +disappear beneath the precious ointment always at her touch. + +When we consider the many and impartial blessings scattered upon the poor +of England--when in fact we consider the beautiful justice pervading our +whole social intercourse--when we reflect upon the spirit of good-will and +sincerity that operates on the hearts of the powerful few for the comfort +and happiness of the helpless million,--we are almost aghast at the +infidelity of poverty, forgetting in our momentary indignation, that +poverty must necessarily combine within itself every species of infamy. + +Poor men of England, consider not merely the fine and the expenses +attendant upon absence from church, but reflect upon the want of that +beautiful exercise of the spirit which, listening to precepts and parables +in Holy Writ, delights to find for them practical illustrations in the +political and social world about you. We know you would not think of going +to church in masquerade--of reading certain lines and making certain +responses as a bit of Sabbath ceremony, as necessary to a respectable +appearance as a Sabbath shaving. No; you are far away from the elegances +of hypocrisy, and do not time your religion from eleven till one, making +devotion a matter of the church clock. By no means. You go to hear, it may +be, the Bishop of EXETER; and as we have premised, what a beautiful +exercise for the intellect to discover in the political doings of his +Grace--in those acts which ultimately knock at your cupboard-doors--only a +practical illustration of the divine precept of doing unto all men as ye +would they should do unto you! Well, you pray for your daily bread; and +with a profane thought of the price of the four pound loaf, your feelings +are suddenly attuned to gratitude towards those who regulate the price of +British corn. We might run through the Scriptures from Genesis to +Revelation, quoting a thousand benevolences illustrated by the rich and +mighty of this land--illustrated politically, socially, and morally, in +their conduct towards the poor and destitute of Britain; and yet the +stiffnecked pauper will not dispose his Sabbath to self-enjoyment--will +not go to church to be rejoiced! By such disobedience, one would almost +think that the poor were wicked enough to consider the church discipline +of the Sabbath as no more than a ceremonious mockery of their six days +wants and wretchedness. + +The magistrates--(would we knew their names, we would hang them up in the +highways like the golden bracelets of yore)--who have made _John Jones_ +religious through his pocket, are men of comprehensive genius. There is no +wickedness that they would not make profitable to the Church. Hence, it +appears from Lord BROUGHAM'S speech that _John Jones_ "was guilty of +_other excesses_, and had been sent to prison for a violation of that +dormant--he wished he could say of it obsolete--law!" There being "other +excesses" for which, it appears, there is no statute remedy, the +magistrates commit a piece of pious injustice, and lump sundry laical sins +into the one crime against the Church. _John Jones_,--for who shall +conceive the profanity of man?--may have called one of these magistrates +"goose" or "jackass;" and the offence against the justice is a contempt of +the parson. After this, can the race of _John Joneses_ fail to venerate +Christianity as recommended by the Bench? + +We have a great admiration of English Law, yet in the present instance, we +think she shares very unjustly with Mother Church. For instance, Church in +its meekness, says to _John Jones_, "You come not to my house on Sunday: +pay a shilling." _John Jones_ refuses. "What!" exclaims Law--"refuse the +modest request of my pious sister? Refuse to give her a little shilling! +Give me _fourteen_." Hence, in this Christian country, law is of fourteen +times the consequence of religion. + +Applauding as we do the efforts of the magistrates quoted by Lord BROUGHAM +in the cause of Christianity, we yet conscientiously think their system +capable of improvement. When the Rustic Police shall be properly +established, we think they should be empowered to seize upon all suspected +non-church goers every Saturday night, keeping them in the station-houses +until Sunday morning, and then marching them, securely handcuffed, up the +middle aisle of the parish church. 'Twould be a touching sight for Mr. +PLUMPTREE, and such hard-sweating devotees. For the benefit of old +offenders, we would also counsel a little wholesome private whipping in +the vestry. + +Q. + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH'S PENCILLINGS.--No. XIII. + +[Illustration: MR. SANCHO BULL AND HIS STATE PHYSICIAN. + +"Though surrounded with luxuries, the Doctor would not allow Sancho to +partake of them, and dismissed each dish as it was brought in by the +servants."--_Vide_ DON QUIXOTE.] + + * * * * * + + +SWEET AUTUMN DAYS. + + Sweet Autumn days, sweet Autumn days, + When, harvest o'er, the reaper slumbers, + How gratefully I hymn your praise, + In modest but melodious numbers. + But if I'm ask'd why 'tis I make + Autumn the theme of inspiration, + I'll tell the truth, and no mistake-- + With Autumn comes the long vacation. + Of falsehoods I'll not shield me with a tissue-- + Autumn I love--because _no writs then issue_. + + Others may hail the joys of Spring, + When birds and buds alike are growing; + Some the Summer days may sing, + When sowing, mowing, on are going. + Old Winter, with his hoary locks, + His frosty face and visage murky, + May suit some very jolly cocks, + Who like roast-beef, mince-pies, and turkey: + But give me Autumn--yes, I'm Autumn's child-- + For then--_no declarations can be filed_. + + * * * * * + + +TOM CONNOR'S DILEMMA. + +A TRUE TALE. + +SHOWING HOW READY WIT MAY SUPPLY THE PLACE OF READY MONEY. + +Tom Connor was a perfect specimen of the happy, careless, improvident +class of Irishmen who think it "time enough to bid the devil good morrow +when they meet him," and whose chief delight seems to consist in getting +into all manner of scrapes, for the mere purpose of displaying their +ingenuity of getting out of them again. Tom, at the time I knew him, had +passed the meridian of his life; "he had," as he used to say himself, +"given up battering," and had luckily a small annuity fallen to him by the +demise of a considerate old aunt who had kindly popped off in the nick of +time. And on this independence Tom had retired to spend all that remained +to him of a merry life at a pleasant little sea-port town in the West of +Ireland, celebrated for its card-parties and its oyster-clubs. These +latter social meetings were held by rotation at the houses of the members +of the club, which was composed of the choicest spirits of the town. There +Doctor McFadd, relaxing the dignity of professional reserve, condescended +to play practical jokes on Corney Bryan, the bothered exciseman; and +Skinner, the attorney, repeated all Lord Norbury's best puns, and night +after night told how, at some particular quarter sessions, he had himself +said a better thing than ever Norbury uttered in his life. But the soul of +the club was Tom Connor--who, by his inexhaustible fund of humorous +anecdotes and droll stories, kept the table in a roar till a late hour in +the night, or rather to an early hour in the morning. Tom's stories +usually related to adventures which had happened to himself in his early +days; and as he had experienced innumerable vicissitudes of fortune, in +every part of the world, and under various characters, his narratives, +though not remarkable for their strict adherence to truth, were always +distinguished by their novelty. + +One evening the club had met as usual, and Tom had mixed his first tumbler +of potheen punch, after "the feast of shells" was over, when somebody +happened to mention the name of Edmund Kean, with the remark that he had +once played in a barn in that very town. + +"True enough," said Tom. "I played in the same company with him." + +"You! you!" exclaimed several voices. + +"Of course; but that was when I was a strolling actor in Clark's corps. We +used to go the western circuit, and by that means got the name of 'the +Connaught Rangers.' There was a queer fellow in the company, called Ned +Davis, an honest-hearted fellow he was, as ever walked in shoe leather. +Ned and I were sworn brothers; we shared the same bed, which was often +only a 'shake-down' in the corner of a stable, and the same dinner, which +was at times nothing better than a crust of brown bread and a draught of +Adam's ale. I'll trouble you for the bottle, doctor. Thank you; may I +never take worse stuff from your hands. Talking of Ned Davis, I'll tell +you, if you have no objection of a strange adventure which befel us once." + +"Bravo! bravo! bravo!" was the unanimous cry from the members. + +"Silence, gentlemen!" said the chairman imperatively; "silence for Mr. +Connor's story." + +"Hem! Well then, some time about the year--never mind the year--Ned and I +were playing with the company at Loughrea; business grew bad, and the +salaries diminished with the houses, until at last, one morning at a +rehearsal, the manager informed us that, in consequence of the depressed +state of the drama in Galway, the treasury would be closed until further +notice, and that he had come to the resolution to depart on the following +morning for Castlebar, whither he requested the company to follow him +without delay. Fancy my consternation at this unexpected announcement! I +mechanically thrust my hands into my pockets, but they were completely +untenanted. I rushed home to our lodgings, where I had left Ned Davis; he, +I knew, had received a guinea the day before, upon which I rested my hopes +of deliverance. I found him fencing with his walking-stick with an +imaginary antagonist, whom he had in his mind pinned against a +closet-door. I related to him the sudden move the manager had made, and +told him, in the most doleful voice conceivable, that I was not possessed +of a single penny. As soon as I had finished, he dropped into a chair, and +burst into a long-continued fit of laughter, and then looked in my face +with the most provoking mock gravity, and asked-- + +"What's to be done then? How are we to get out of this?" + +"Why," said I, "that guinea which you got yesterday!" + +"Ho! ho! ho! ho!" he shouted. "The guinea is gone." + +"Gone!" I exclaimed; and I felt my knees began to shake under me. +"Gone--where--how." + +"I gave it to the wife of that poor devil of a scene-shifter who broke his +arm last week; he had four children, and they were starving. What could I +do but give it to them? Had it been ten times as much they should have had +it." + +I don't know what reply I made, but it had the effect of producing another +fit of uncontrollable laughter. + +"Why do you laugh," said I, rather angrily. + +"Who the devil could help it;" he replied; "your woe-begone countenance +would make a cat laugh." + +"Well," said I, "we are in a pretty dilemma here. We owe our landlady +fifteen shillings." + +"For which she will lay an embargo on our little effects--three black wigs +and a low-comedy pair of breeches--this must be prevented." + +"But how?" I inquired. + +"How? never mind; but order dinner directly." + +"Dinner!" said I; "don't awaken painful recollections." + +"Go and do as I tell you," he replied. "Order dinner--beef-steak and +oyster-sauce." + +"Beef-steak! Are you mad"--but before I could finish the sentence, he had +put on his hat and disappeared. + +"Who knows?" thought I, after he was gone, "he's a devilish clever fellow, +something may turn up:" so I ordered the beef-steaks. In less than an +hour, my friend returned with exultation in his looks. + +"I have done it!" said he, slapping me on the back; "we shall have plenty +of money to-morrow." + +I begged he would explain himself. + +"Briefly then," said he, "I have been to the billiard-room, and every +other lounging-place about town, where I circulated, in the most +mysterious manner, a report that a celebrated German doctor and +philosopher, who had discovered the secret of resuscitating the dead, had +arrived in Loughrea." + +"How ridiculous!" I said. + +"Don't be in a hurry. This philosopher," he added, "is about to give +positive proof that he can perform what he professes, and it is his +intention to go into the churchyard to-night, and resuscitate a few of +those who have not been buried more than a twelvemonth." + +"Well." said I, "what does all this nonsense come to?" + +"That you must play the philosopher in the churchyard." + +"Me!" + +"Certainly, you're the very figure for the part." + +After some persuasion, and some further development of his plan, I +consented to wrap myself in an ample stage-cloak, and gliding into the +churchyard, I waited in the porch according to the directions I had +received from Ned, until near midnight, when I issued forth, and proceeded +to examine the different tombs attentively. I was bending over one, which, +by the inscription, I perceived had been erected by "an affectionate and +disconsolate wife, to the memory of her beloved husband," when I was +startled at hearing a rustling noise, and, on looking round, to see a +stout-looking woman standing beside me. + +"Doctor," said she, addressing me, "I know what you're about here." + +I shook my head solemnly. + +"This is my poor late husband's tomb." + +"I know it," I answered. "I mean to exercise my art upon him first. He +shall be restored to your arms this very night." + +The widow gave a faint scream--"I'm sure, doctor," said she, "I'm greatly +obliged to you. Peter was the best of husbands--but he has now been dead +six months--and--I am--married again." + +"Humph!" said I, "the meeting will be rather awkward, but you may induce +your second husband to resign." + +"No, no, doctor; let the poor man rest quietly, and here is a trifle for +your trouble." So saying, she slipped a weighty purse into my hand. + +"This alters the case," said I, "materially--your late husband shall never +be disturbed by me." + +The widow withdrew with a profusion of acknowledgments; and scarcely had +she gone, when a young fellow, who I learned had lately come into +possession of a handsome property by the death of an uncle, came to +request me not to meddle with the deceased, who he assured me was a +shocking old curmudgeon, who never spent his money like a gentleman. A +douceur from the young chap secured the repose of his uncle. + +My next visitor was a weazel-faced man, who had been plagued for twenty +years by a shrew of a wife, who popped off one day from an overdose of +whiskey. He came to beseech me not to bring back his plague to the world; +and, pitying the poor man's case, I gave him my promise readily, without +accepting a fee. + +By this time daylight had begun to appear, and creeping quietly out of the +churchyard, I returned to my lodgings. Ned was waiting up for my return. + +"What luck?" said he, as I entered the room. + +I showed him the fees I had received during the night. + +"I told you," said he, "that we should have plenty of rhino to-day. Never +despair, man, there are more ways out of the wood than one: and recollect, +that _ready wit is as good as ready money_." + + * * * * * + + +THE PHYSIOLOGY OF THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT. + +II.--THE NEW MAN. + +Embryology precedes the treatise on the perfect animal; it is but right, +therefore, that the new man should have our attention before the mature +student. + +No sooner do the geese become asphyxiated by torsion of their cervical +_vertebrae_, in anticipation of Michaelmas-day; no sooner do the pheasants +feel premonitory warnings, that some chemical combinations between +charcoal, nitre, and sulphur, are about to take place, ending in a +precipitation of lead; no sooner do the columns of the newspapers teem +with advertisements of the ensuing courses at the various schools, each +one cheaper, and offering more advantages than any of the others; the +large hospitals vaunting their extended field of practice, and the small +ones ensuring a more minute and careful investigation of disease, than the +new man purchases a large trunk and a hat-box, buys a second-hand copy of +Quain's Anatomy, abjures the dispensing of his master's surgery in the +country, and placing himself in one of those rattling boxes denominated by +courtesy second-class carriages, enters on the career of a hospital pupil +in his first season. + +The opening lecture introduces the new man to his companions, and he is +easily distinguished at that annual gathering of pupils, practitioners, +professors, and especially old hospital governors, who do a good deal in +the gaiter-line, and applaud the lecturer with their umbrellas, as they +sit in the front row. The new man is known by his clothes, which incline +to the prevalent fashion of the rural districts he has quitted; and he +evinces an affection for cloth-boots, or short Wellingtons with double +soles, and toes shaped like a toad's mouth, a propensity which sometimes +continues throughout the career of his pupilage. He likewise takes off his +hat when he enters the dissecting-room, and thinks that beautiful design +is shown in the mechanism and structure of the human body--an idea which +gets knocked out of him at the end of the season, when he looks upon the +distribution of the nerves as "a blessed bore to get up, and no use to him +after he has passed." But at first he perpetually carries a + +[Illustration: "DUBLIN DISSECTOR"] + +under his arm; and whether he is engaged upon a subject or no, delights to +keep on his black apron, pockets, and sleeves (like a barber dipped in a +blacking-bottle), the making of which his sisters have probably +superintended in the country, and which he thinks endows him with an air +of industry and importance. + +The new man, at first, is not a great advocate for beer; but this dislike +may possibly arise from his having been compelled to stand two pots upon +the occasion of his first dissection. After a time, however, he gives way +to the indulgence, having received the solemn assurances of his companions +that it is absolutely necessary to preserve his health, and keep him from +getting the collywobbles in his pandenoodles--a description of which +obstinate disease he is told may be found in "Dr. Copland's Medical +Dictionary," and "Gregory's Practice of Physic," but as to under what head +the informant is uncertain. + +The first purchase that a new man makes in London is a gigantic note-book, +a dozen steel pens on a card, and a screw inkstand. Furnished with these +valuable adjuncts to study, he puts down every thing he hears during the +day, both in the theatre of the school and the wards of the hospital, +besides many diverting diagrams and anecdotes which his fellow-students +insert for him, until at night he has a confused dream that the air-pump +in the laboratory is giving a party, at which various scalpels, bits of +gums, wax models, tourniquets, and foetal skulls, are assisting as +guests--an eccentric and philosophical vision, worthy of the brain from +which it emanates. But the new man is, from his very nature, a visionary. +His breast swells with pride at the introductory lecture, when he hears +the professor descant upon the noble science he and his companions have +embarked upon; the rich reward of watching the gradual progress of a +suffering fellow-creature to convalescence, and the insignificance of +worldly gain compared with the pure treasures of pathological knowledge; +whilst to the riper student all this resolves itself into the truth, that +three draughts, or one mixture, are respectively worth four-and-sixpence +or three shillings: that the patient should be encouraged to take them as +long as possible, and that the thrilling delight of ushering another +mortal into existence, after being up all night, is considerably increased +by the receipt of the tin for superintending the performance; _i.e._ if +you are lucky enough to get it. + +It is not improbable that, after a short period, the new man will write a +letter home. The substance of it will be as follows: and the reader is +requested to preserve a copy, as it may, perhaps, be compared with another +at a future period. + +"MY DEAR PARENTS,--I am happy to inform you that my health is at present +uninjured by the atmosphere of the hospital, and that I find I am making +daily progress in my studies. I have taken a lodging in ---- (Gower-place, +University-street, Little Britain, or Lant-street, as the case may be,) +for which I pay twelve shillings a week, including shoes. The mistress of +the house is a pious old lady, and I am very comfortable, with the +exception that two pupils live on the floor above me, who are continually +giving harmonic parties to their friends, and I am sometimes compelled to +request they will allow me to conclude transcribing my lecture notes in +tranquillity--a request, I am sorry to say, not often complied with. The +smoke from their pipes fills the whole house, and the other night they +knocked me up two hours after I had retired to rest, for the loan of the +jug of cold water from my washhand-stand, to make grog with, and a 'Little +Warbler,' if I had one, with the words of 'The Literary Dustman' in it. + +"Independently of these annoyances, I get on pretty well, and have already +attracted the notice of my professors, who return my salutation very +condescendingly, and tell me to look upon them rather as friends than +teachers. The students here, generally speaking, are a dissipated and +irreligious set of young men; and I can assure you I am often compelled to +listen to language that quite makes my ears tingle. I have found a very +decent washerwoman, who mends for me as well; but, unfortunately, she +washes for the house, and the initials of one of the students above me are +the same as mine, so that I find our things are gradually changing hands, +in which I have the worst, because his shirts and socks are somewhat +dilapidated, or, to speak professionally, their fibrous texture abounds in +organic lesions; and the worst is, he never finds out the error until the +end of the week, when he sends my things back, with his compliments, and +thinks the washerwoman has made a mistake. + +"I have not been to the theatres yet, nor do I feel the least wish to +enter into any of the frivolities of the great metropolis. With kind +regards to all at home, believe me, + +"Your's affectionately, + +"JOSEPH MUFF." + + * * * * * + + +"I DO ADJURE YE, ANSWER ME!" + +A valuable porcelain vase, which stood in one of the state rooms of +Windsor Castle, has been recently broken; it is suspected by design, as +the situation in which it was placed almost precludes the idea that it +could have happened by accident. A commission, called "The Flunky +Inquisition," has been appointed by Sir Robert Peel, with Sibthorp at its +head, to inquire into the affair. The gallant Colonel declares that he has +personally cross-examined all the housemaids, but that he has hitherto +been unable to obtain a satisfactory solution of + +[Illustration: THE GREAT CHINA QUESTION.] + + * * * * * + + +LIKE MASTER LIKE MAN. + +SIR ROBERT PEEL'S workmen inside the House of Parliament have determined +to follow the example of the masons outside the House, if Mr. Wakley is to +be appointed their foreman. + + * * * * * + + +INQUEST EXTRAORDINARY ON A CORONER. + +Last night an inquest was held on the _Consistency_ of Thomas Wakley, +Esq., Member for Finsbury, and Coroner for Middlesex. The deceased had +been some time ailing, but his demise was at length so sudden, that it was +deemed necessary to public justice that an inquest should be taken of the +unfortunate remains. + +The inquest was held at the Vicar of Bray tap, Palace Yard; and the jury, +considering the neighbourhood, was tolerably respectable. The remains of +the deceased were in a dreadful state of decomposition; and although +chloride of lime and other antiseptic fluids were plentifully scattered in +the room, it was felt to be a service of danger to approach too closely to +the defunct. Many members of Parliament were in attendance, and all of +them, to a man, appeared very visibly shocked by the appearance of the +body. Indeed they all of them seemed to gather a great moral lesson from +the corpse. "We know not whose turn it may be next," was printed in the +largest physiognomical type in every member's countenance. + +Thomas Duncombe, Esq., Member for Finsbury, examined--Had known the +deceased for some years. Had the highest notion of the robustness of his +constitution. Would have taken any odds upon it. Deceased, however, within +these last three or four weeks had flighty intervals. Talked very much +about the fine phrenological development of Sir Robert Peel's skull. Had +suspicions of the deceased from that moment. Deceased had been carefully +watched, but to no avail. Deceased inflicted a mortal wound upon himself +on the first night of Sir Robert's premiership; and though he continued to +rally for many evenings, he sunk the night before last, after a dying +speech of twenty minutes. + +Colonel Sibthorp, Member for Lincoln, examined--Knew the deceased. Since +the accession of Sir Robert Peel to power had had many conversations with +the deceased upon the ministerial bench. Had offered snuff-box to the +deceased. Deceased did not snuff. Deceased had said that he thought +witness a man of high parliamentary genius, and that Sir Robert Peel ought +to have made him (witness) either Lord Chamberlain or Chancellor of the +Exchequer. In every other respect, deceased behaved himself quite +rationally. + +There were at least twenty other witnesses--Members of the House of +Commons--in attendance to be examined; but the Coroner put it to the jury +whether they had not heard enough? + +The jury assented, and immediately returned a verdict--_Felo de se_. + +N.B. A member for Finsbury wanted next dissolution. + + * * * * * + + +A CURIOUS ERROR. + +A member of the American legislature, remarkable for his absence of mind, +exhibited a singular instance of this mental infirmity very lately. Having +to present a petition to the house, he presented _himself_ instead, and +did not discover his mistake until he was + +[Illustration: ORDERED TO LIE ON THE TABLE.] + + * * * * * + +SIR ROBERT PEEL (LOQUITUR). + + + When erst the Whigs were in, and I was out, + I knew exactly what to be about; + Then all I had to do, through thick and thin, + Was but to get them out, and Bobby in. + + And now that I am in, and they are out, + The only thing that I can be about + Is to do nothing; but, through thick and thin, + Contrive to keep them out, and Bobby in. + + * * * * * + + +SONGS FOR THE SEEDY.--No. 3. + + Oh! think not all who call thee fair + Are in their honied words sincere; + And if they offer jewels rare, + Lend not too readily thine ear. + The humble ring I lately gave + May be despised by thee--well, let it; + But Mary, when I'm in my grave, + Think that I pawn'd my watch to get it. + + Others may talk of feasts of love, + And banqueting upon thy charms; + But did not I devotion prove, + Last Sunday, at the Stanhope Arms? + My rival order'd tea for four, + The waiter at his bidding laid it; + He generously _ran_ the score, + But, Mary, I did more,--_I paid it_. + + I know he's dashing, bold, and free, + A front of Jove, an eye of fire; + But should he say he loves like me, + I'd, like Apollo, _strike the lyre_. + He says, he at your feet will throw + His all; and, if his vows are steady, + He cannot equal me--for, oh! + I've given you all I had, already. + + Mary, I had a second suit + Of clothes, of which the coat was braided; + Mary, they went to buy that flute + With which I thee have serenaded. + Mary, I had a beaver hat, + Than this I wear a great deal better; + Mary, I've parted too with that, + For pens, ink, paper--for this letter. + + * * * * * + + +PRIVATE CORRESPONDENCE. + +Dear PUNCH,--Will you inform me whether the review of the troops noticed +in last Saturday's _Times_, is to be found in the "Edinborough," +"Westminster," or "Quarterly." + +Yours, in all mayoralties, +PETER LAURIE. + +P.S.--What do they mean by + +[Illustration: SALUTING A FLAG?] + + * * * * * + + +"GO ALONG, BOB." + +Sir Bobby Peel, who, before he got into harness, professed himself able to +draw the Government truck "like bricks," has changed his note since he has +been put to the trial, and he is now bawling lustily--"Don't hurry me, +please--give me a little time." Wakley, seeing the pitiable condition of +the unfortunate animal, volunteered his services to push behind, and the +Chartist and Tory may now be seen every night in St. Stephen's, working +cordially together, and exhibiting an illustration of the benefits of a + +[Illustration: DIVISION OF LABOUR.] + + * * * * * + + +CONS BY OUR OWN COLONEL. + +Why is a loud laugh in the House of Commons like Napoleon +Buonaparte?--Because it's an _M.P. roar_ (an Emperor). + +Why is a person getting rheumatic like one locking a +cupboard-door?--Because he's turning _achy_ (a key). + +Why is one-and-sixpence like an aversion to coppers?--Because it's _hating +pence_ (eighteen-pence). + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH'S THEATRE. + +DIE HEXEN AM RHEIN; OR, RUDOLPH OF HAPSBURGH. + +Mysterious are thy ways, O Yates! Thou art the only true melodramatist of +the stage and off the stage! When a new demonology is compiled thou shalt +have an honourable place in it. Thou shall be worshipped as the demon of +novelty, even by the "gods" themselves. Thy deeds shall be recorded in +history. It shall not be forgotten that thou wert the importer of +Mademoiselle Djeck, the tame elephant; of Monsieur Bohain, the gigantic +Irishman; and of Signor Hervi o'Nano, the Cockneyan-Italian dwarf. Never +should we have seen the Bayaderes but for you; nor T.P. Cooke in "The +Pilot," nor the Bedouin Arabs, nor "The Wreck Ashore," nor "bathing and +sporting" nymphs, nor other dramatic delicacies. Truly, thou art the +luckiest of managers; for all thy efforts succeed, whether they deserve it +or not. Sometimes thou drawest up an army of scene-painters, mechanists, +dancers, monsters, dwarfs, devils, fire-works, and water-spouts, in +terrible array against common sense. Yet lo! thou dost conquer! Thy pieces +never miss fire; they go on well with the public, and favourable are the +press reports. Wert thou a Catholic thou wouldest be canonised; for evil +spirits are thy passion; the Vatican itself cannot produce a more +indefatigable "devils' advocate!" + +The repast now provided by Mr. Yates for those who are fond of "supping +full of horrors" is a devilled drama, interspersed with hydraulics-- +consisting, in fact, of spirits and water, sweetened with songs and spiced +with witches. It is, we are informed by the official announcements, "a +romantic burletta of witchcraft, in two acts, and a prologue, with +entirely new scenery, dresses, and peculiar appointments, _imagined_ by, +and introduced under the direction of, Mr. Yates." Now, any person, +entirely unprejudiced with a taste for devilry and free from hydrophobia, +who sees this production, must have an unbounded opinion of the manager's +imagination,--what a head he must have for aquatic effects! In vain we +look around for its parallel--nothing but the New River head suggests +itself. + +But our preface is detaining us from the "prologue;" the first words in +which stamp the entire production with originality. Assassins, who let +themselves out by the job, have long been pleasantly employed in +melodramas, being mostly enacted by performers in the heavy line; but the +author of "Die Hexen am Rhein" introduces a character hitherto unknown to +the stage; namely, the _comic_ cut-throat. Messieurs _Gabor_ and +_Wolfstein_, (played by Mr. Wright, and the immortal _Geoffery Muffincap_, +Mr. Wilkinson), treat us with a dialogue concerning the blowing out of +brains, and the incision of weasands, which is conceived and delivered +with the broadest humour, enlivened by the choicest of jokes. They have, +we learn, been lately commissioned by _Ottocar_ to murder _Rudolph_, the +exiled Duke of Hapsburgh, who is to pass that way; but he does not come, +because his kind kinsman, _Ottocar_, must have time to consult the +god-fathers and god-mothers of the piece, or "Witches of the Rhine;" which +he does in the "storm-reft hut of Zabaren." This _Zabaren_ is a hospitable +gentleman, who sings a good song, sees much company, and is played by that +convivial genius Paul Bedford. _Ottocar_ is introduced amongst other +friends to a "speaking spirit," who, being personated by Miss Terrey, +utters a terrible prediction. We could not quite make out the purport of +this augury; nor were we much grieved at the loss; feeling assured that +the next two acts would be occupied in fulfilling it. The funny bravoes +present themselves in the next scene, and exit to stab one of two +brothers, who goes off evidently for that purpose, judiciously coming back +to die in the arms of _Count Rudolph_, for whom he has been mistaken. +Under such circumstances it is but fair that the prince should repay the +obligation he owes his friend for being killed in his stead, by promising +protection to the widow and child. The oath he takes would be doubly +binding (for he promises to become a brother to the wife, and not content +with thus making himself the child's uncle, swears to be his father too), +if the husband did not die before he has had time to utter his wife's +name. All these affairs having been settled, the prologue--which used to +be called the first act--ends. + +Fifteen years are supposed to elapse before the curtain is again rolled +up; and that this allusion may be rendered the more perfect, the audience +is kept waiting about three times fifteen minutes, to amuse one another +during the _entr'acte_. We next learn that _Rudolph_ is seated upon his +ducal throne, fortunate in the possession of a paragon-wife, and a steward +of the household not to be equalled--no other than _Ottocar_--that +particular friend, who, in the prologue, tried to get a finis put to his +mortal career. The jocose ruffians here enliven the scene--one by being +cast into a dungeon for asking _Ottocar_ (evidently the Colburn of his +day), an exorbitant price for the copyright of a certain manuscript; the +other, by calling the courtier a man of genius, and being taken into his +service, as no doubt, "first robber." To support this character, a change +of apparel is necessary: and no wonder, for _Wolfstein_ has on precisely +the same clothes he wore fifteen years before. + +His first job is to steal a casket; but is declined, probably, because +_Wolfstein_, being a professor of the capital crime, considers mere +larceny _infra dig_. A "second robber" must therefore be hired, and +_Ottocar_ has one already preserved in the castle dungeons, in the person +of a dumb prisoner. Dummy comes on, and the auditors at once recognise the +"brother" who was not murdered in the prologue. He steals the casket, and +_Ottocar_ steals off. + +The duke and duchess next enter into a dialogue, the subject of which is +one _Wilhelm_, a young standard-bearer, who appears; and having said a few +words exits, that _Ida_, the duchess, might inform us, in a soliloquy, +what we have already shrewdly suspected, namely--that the ensign is her +son; another presentiment comes into one's mind, which one don't think it +fair to the author and his story to entertain till the proper time. A sort +of secret interview between the mother and son now takes place, which ends +by the imprisonment of the latter; why is not explained at the moment; +nor, indeed, till the next scene, when it is quite apparent; for if one +sees an impregnable castle, rigidly guarded by supernumeraries, with an +impassable river, bristling with _chevaux-de-frise_ it is impossible to +get over, and a moat that it would be death to cross, a prison-escape may +be surely calculated upon. In the present instance, this formulary is not +omitted, for _Wilhelm_ jumps into the river from a bridge which he has +contrived to reach. Though several shots are fired into the tank of water +that represents the Rhine, there is no hissing; on the contrary, the +second act ends amidst general applause; which indeed it deserves, for the +scenery is magnificent. + +"The Ancient Arch in the Black Forest," is a sort of house of call for +witches, and it being seen during their merry-making, or holiday, is +rendered more picturesque by the _Devil's_ "Ha, ha!" The hospitable +_Zabaren_ entertains hundreds of witches, of all sorts and sizes, who +dance all manner of country-dances, and sing a series of songs and +choruses, in which the "Ha! ha!" is again conspicuously introduced. It +seems that German witches not only ride upon brooms, but sweep with them; +and a company of supernatural Jack Rags perform sundry gyrations +peculiarly interesting to housemaids. After about an hour's dancing, the +witches being naturally "blown," are just in cue for leaving off with an +airy dance called the "witches' whirlwind." + +This episode over, the plot goes on. _Ottocar_ accuses _Ida_ of infidelity +with _Wilhelm_ to the duke; she, in explanation, fulfils the presentiment +we had some delicacy in hinting too soon--that she is the wife of the man +who was killed in the prologue; _Rudolph_ having married her in ignorance +of that fact, and by a coincidence which, though intensely melo-dramatic, +every body foresees who has ever been three times to the Adelphi theatre. + +To describe the last scene would be the height of presumption in PUNCH. +Nobody but "Satan" Montgomery, or the Adelphi play-bill, is equal to the +task. We quote, as preferable, the latter authority:--"Grand inauguration +of _Wilhelm_, the rightful heir. CORAL CAVES and CRYSTAL STREAMS: these +are actually obtained by a HYDRO-SCENIC EFFECT! As the usual area devoted +to illusion becomes a reality!" + +Besides all this, which simply means "real water," there is a _Neptune_ in +a car drawn by three sea or ichthyological horses, having fins and web +feet. There is a devil that is seen through the whole piece, because he is +supposed to be invisible (cleverly played by Mr. Wieland), and who having +dived into the water, is fished out of it, and sent flying into the flies. +This sending a devil upward, is a new way of + +[Illustration: TAKING OFF THE DARK GENTLEMAN.] + +Being dripping wet, the demon in his ascent seriously incommodes +_Neptune_; who, not being used to the water, looks about in great +distress, evidently for an umbrella. After several glares of several +coloured fires, the curtain falls. + +Seriously, the scenic effects of this piece do great credit to Mr. Yates's +"imagination," and to the handiwork of his "own peculiar artists." It is +very proper that they should be immortalised in the advertisements; by +which the public are informed that the scenery is by Pitt, (where is +Tomkins?) and others: the machinery by Mr. Hayley, and the _lightning_ by +the direction of Mr. Outhwaite! Bat will the public be satisfied with such +scanty information? Who, they will ask the manager, rolls the thunder? who +supplies the coloured fires? who flashes the lightning? who beats the +gong? who grinds up the curtain? Let Mr. Yates be speedy in relieving the +breathless curiosity of his patrons on these points, or look to his +benches. + + * * * * * + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +1, October 9, 1841, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14931.txt or 14931.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/9/3/14931/ + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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