initial commit of ebook 14930HEADmain

1 files changed, 2246 insertions, 0 deletions

diff --git a/14930-8.txt b/14930-8.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..fce92ea
--- /dev/null
+++ b/14930-8.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,2246 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1,
+October 2, 1841, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, October 2, 1841
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14930]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG
+Online Distributed Proofreading
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 1.
+
+
+
+FOR THE WEEK ENDING OCTOBER 2, 1841.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE TIPTOES.
+
+A SKETCH.
+
+    "The Wrongheads have been a considerable family ever since England
+    was England."
+
+    VANBRUGH.
+
+[Illustration: M]Morning and evening, from every village within three or
+four miles of the metropolis, may be remarked a tide of young men wending
+diurnal way to and from their respective desks and counters in the city,
+preceded by a ripple of errand-boys, and light porters, and followed by an
+ebb of plethoric elderly gentlemen in drab gaiters. Now these individuals
+compose--for the most part--that particular, yet indefinite class of
+people, who call themselves "gentlemen," and are called by everybody else
+"persons." They are a body--the advanced guard--of the "Tiptoes;" an army
+which invaded us some thirty years ago, and which, since that time, has
+been actively and perseveringly spoiling and desolating our modest, quiet,
+comfortable English homes, turning our parlours into "boudoirs," ripping
+our fragrant patches of roses into fantastic "parterres," covering our
+centre tables with albums and wax flowers, and, in short (for these
+details pain us), stripping our nooks and corners of the welcome warm air
+of pleasant homeliness, which was wont to be a charm and a privilege, to
+substitute for it a chilly gloss--an unwholesome straining after effect--a
+something less definite in its operation than in its result, which is
+called--gentility.
+
+To have done with simile. Our matrons have discovered that luxury is
+specifically cheaper than comfort (and they regard them as independent, if
+not incompatible terms); and more than this, that comfort is, after all,
+but an irrelevant and dispensable corollary to gentility, while luxury is
+its main prop and stay. Furthermore, that improvidence is a virtue of such
+lustre, that itself or its likeness is essential to the very existence of
+respectability; and, by carrying out this proposition, that in order to
+make the least amount of extravagance produce the utmost admiration and
+envy, it is desirable to be improvident as publicly as possible; the means
+for such expenditure being gleaned from retrenchments in the home
+department. Thus, by a system of domestic alchemy, the education of the
+children is resolved into a vehicle; a couple of maids are amalgamated
+into a man in livery; while to a single drudge, superintended and aided by
+the mistress and elder girls, is confided the economy of the pantry, from
+whose meagre shelves are supplied supplementary blondes and kalydors.
+
+Now a system of economy which can induce a mother to "bring up her
+children at home," while she regards a phaeton as absolutely necessary to
+convey her to church and to her tradespeople, and an annual visit to the
+sea-side as perfectly indispensable to restore the faded complexions of
+Frances and Jemima, ruined by late hours and hot cream, may be considered
+open to censure by the philosopher who places women (and girls, _i.e._
+unmarried women) in the rank of responsible or even rational creatures.
+But in this disposition he would be clearly wrong. Before venturing to
+define the precise capacity of either an individual or a class, their own
+opinion on the subject should assuredly be consulted; and we are quite
+sure that there is not one of the lady Tiptoes who would not recoil with
+horror from the suspicion of advancing or even of entertaining an idea--it
+having been ascertained that everything original (sin and all) is quite
+inconformable with the feminine character--unless indeed it be a method of
+finding the third side of a turned silk--or of defining that zero of
+fortune, to stand below which constitutes a "detrimental."
+
+The Misses Tiptoe are an indefinite number of young ladies, of whom it is
+commonly remarked that some may have been pretty, and others may,
+hereafter, be pretty. But they never _are_ so; and, consequently, they are
+very fearful of being eclipsed by their dependents, and take care to
+engage only ill-favoured governesses, and (but 'tis an old pun) very plain
+cooks. The great business of their lives is fascination, and in its
+pursuit they are unremitting. It is divided in distinct departments, among
+the sisters; each of whom is characterised at home by some laudatory
+epithet, strikingly illustrative of what they would like to be. There is
+Miss Tiptoe, such an amiable girl! that is, she has a large mouth, and a
+Mallan in the middle of it. There is Jemima, "who enjoys such delicate
+health "--_that_ is, she has no bust, and wears a scarf. Then there is
+Grace, who is all for evening rambles, and the "Pilgrim of Love;" and
+Fanny, who can _not_ help talking; and whom, in its turn, talking
+certainly cannot help. They are remarkable for doing a little of
+everything at all times. Whether it be designing on worsted or on
+bachelors--whether concerting overtures musical or matrimonial; the same
+pretty development of the shoulder through that troublesome scarf--the
+same hasty confusion in drawing it on again, and referring to the watch to
+see what time it is--displays the mind ever intent on the great object of
+their career. But they seldom marry (unless, in desperation, their
+cousins), for they despise the rank which they affect to have quitted--and
+no man of sense ever loved a Tiptoe. So they continue at home until the
+house is broken up; and then they retire in a galaxy to some provincial
+Belle Vue-terrace or Prospect-place; where they endeavour to forestall the
+bachelors with promiscuous orange-blossoms and maidenly susceptibilities.
+We have characterised these heart-burning efforts after "station," as
+originating with, and maintained by, the female branches of the family;
+and they are so--but, nevertheless, their influence on the young men is no
+less destructive than certain. It is a fact, that, the more restraint that
+is inflicted on these individuals in the gilded drawing-room at home, the
+more do they crave after the unshackled enjoyment of their animal
+vulgarity abroad. Their principal characteristics are a love of large
+plaids, and a choice vocabulary of popular idiomatic forms of speech; and
+these will sufficiently define them in the saloons of the theatres and in
+the cigar divans. But they are not ever thus. By no means. At home (which
+does not naturally indicate their own house), having donned their "other
+waistcoat" and their pin (emblematic of a blue hand grasping an egg, or of
+a butterfly poised on a wheel)--pop! they are _gentlemen_. With the
+hebdomadal sovereign straggling in the extreme verge of their
+pockets--with the afternoon rebuke of the "principal," or peradventure of
+some senior clerk, still echoing in their ears--they are GENTLEMEN. They
+are desired to be such by their mother and sisters, and so they talk about
+cool hundreds--and the points of horses--and (on the strength of the
+dramatic criticisms in the _Satirist_) of Grisi in _Norma_, and Persiani
+in _La Sonnambula_--of Taglioni and Cerito--of last season and the season
+before that.
+
+We know not how far the readers of PUNCH may be inclined to approve so
+prosy an article as this in their pet periodical; but we have ventured to
+appeal to them (as the most sensible people in the country) against a
+class of shallow empirics, who have managed to glide unchidden into our
+homes and our families, to chill the one and to estrange the other.
+Surely, surely, we were unworthy of our descent, could we see unmoved our
+lovely English girls, whose modesty was wont to be equalled only by their
+beauty, concentrating all their desires and their energies on a good
+match; or our reverend English matrons, the pride and honour of the land,
+employing themselves in the manufacture of fish-bone blanc-mange and
+mucilaginous tipsy-cakes; or our young Englishmen, our hope and our
+resource, spending themselves in the debasing contamination of cigars and
+alcohol.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+CONDENSED PARLIAMENTARY REPORT ON THE MISCELLANEOUS ESTIMATES.
+
+    Vide _Examiner_.
+
+  MR. WILLIAMS--objected--
+  SIR T. WILDE--vindicated--
+  SIR R. PEEL--doubted--
+  MR. PLUMPTRE--opposed--
+  MR. VILLIERS--requested--
+  MR. EWART--moved--
+  MR. EASTCOURT--thought--
+  MR. FERRAND--complained--
+  LORD JOHN RUSSELL--wished--
+  MR. AGLIONBY--was of opinion--
+  MR. STEWART WORTLEY--hoped--
+  MR. WAKLEY--thought--
+  MR. RICE--urged--
+  MR. FIELDEN--regretted--
+  MR. WARD--was convinced--
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+TAKING THE HODDS.
+
+On a recent visit of Lord Waterford to the "Holy Land," then to sojourn in
+the hostel or caravansera of the protecting _Banks_ of that classic
+ground, that interesting young nobleman adopted, as the seat of his
+precedency, a Brobdignag hod, the private property of some descendant from
+one of the defunct kings of Ulster; at the close of an eloquent harangue;
+his lordship expressed an earnest wish that he should be able to continue
+
+[Illustration: GOING IT LIKE BRICKS--]
+
+a hope instantly gratified by the stalwart proprietor, who, wildly
+exclaiming, "Sit aisy!" hoisted the lordly burden on his shoulders, and
+gave him the full benefit of a shilling fare in that most unusual vehicle.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Q.E.D.
+
+"SIR ROBERT PEEL thinks a great deal of himself," says the _British
+Critic_. "Yes," asserts PUNCH, "he is just the man to trouble himself
+about trifles."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+ROEBUCK DEFYING THE "THUNDERER."
+
+
+    Roebuck was seated in his great arm chair,
+        Looking as senatorial and wise
+        As a calf's head, when taken in surprise;
+    A half-munch'd muffin did his fingers bear--
+    An empty egg-shell proved his meal nigh o'er.
+    When, lo! there came a tapping at the door:
+        "Come in!" he cried,
+        And in another minute by his side
+    Stood John the footboy, with the morning paper,
+    Wet from the press. O'er Roebuck's cheek
+      There passed a momentary gleam of joy,
+    Which spoke, as plainly as a smile could speak,
+      "Your master's speech is in that paper, boy."
+    He waved his hand--the footboy left the room--
+    Roebuck pour'd out a cup of Hyson bloom;
+    And, having sipp'd the tea and sniff'd the vapour,
+    Spread out the "Thunderer" before his eyes--
+    When, to his great surprise,
+    He saw imprinted there, in black and white,
+      That he, THE ROE-buck--HE, whom all men knew,
+    Had been expressly born to set worlds right--
+      That HE was nothing but a _parvenu_.
+    Jove! was it possible they lack'd the knowledge he
+    Boasted a literary and scientific genealogy!
+    That he had had some ancestors before him--
+    (Beside the Pa who wed the Ma who bore him)--
+    Men whom the world had slighted, it is true,
+        Because it never knew
+    The greatness of the genius which had lain,
+    Like unwrought ore, within each vasty brain;
+    And as a prejudice exists that those
+    Who never do disclose
+    The knowledge that they boast of, seldom have any,
+    Each of his learned ancestors had died,
+    By an ungrateful world belied,
+    And dubb'd a Zany.
+        That HE should be
+        Denied a pedigree!
+    Appeared so monstrous in this land of freedom,
+    He instantly conceived the notion
+    To go down to the House and make a motion,
+    That all men had a right to those who breed 'em.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    Behold him in his seat, his face carnation,
+    Just like an ace of hearts,
+    Not red and white in parts,
+    But one complete illumination.
+    He rises--members blow their noses,
+    And cough and hem! till one supposes,
+    A general catarrh prevails from want of ventilation.
+  He speaks:--
+    Mr. Speaker, Sir, in me you see
+    A member of this house (_hear, hear_),
+    With whose proud pedigree
+    The "Thunderer" has dared to interfere.
+    Now I implore,
+    That Lawson may be brought upon the floor,
+    And beg my pardon on his bended knees.
+    In whatsoever terms I please.
+        _(Oh! oh!)
+        (No! no!)_
+        I, too, propose,
+        To pull his nose:
+    No matter if the law objects or not;
+    And if the printer's nose cannot be got,
+      The small proboscis of the printer's devil
+      Shall serve my turn for language so uncivil!
+          The "Thunderer" I defy,
+          And its vile lie.
+      (As Ajax did the lightning flash of yore.)
+      I likewise move this House requires--
+      No, that's too complimentary--desires,
+      That Mr. Lawson's brought upon the floor.
+          The thing was done:
+      The house divided, and the Ayes were--ONE!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+EXPRESS FROM WINDSOR.
+
+Last evening a most diabolical, and, it is to be regretted successful,
+attempt, was made to kiss the Princess Royal. It appears that the Royal
+Babe was taking an airing in the park, reclining in the arms of her
+principal nurse, and accompanied by several ladies of the court, who were
+amusing the noble infant by playing rattles, when a man of ferocious
+appearance emerged from behind some trees, walked deliberately up to the
+noble group, placed his hands on the nurse, and bent his head over the
+Princess. The Honourable Miss Stanley, guessing the ruffian's intention,
+earnestly implored him to kiss her instead, in which request she was
+backed by all the ladies present.[1] He was not, however, to be frustrated
+in the attempt, which no sooner had he accomplished, than he hurried off
+amidst the suppressed screams of the ladies. The Royal Infant was
+immediately carried to the palace, where her heart-rending cries attracted
+the attention of her Majesty, who, on hurrying to the child, and hearing
+the painful narration, would, in the burst of her maternal affection, have
+kissed the infant, had not Sir J. Clarke, who was fortunately present,
+prevented her so doing.
+
+    [1] This circumstance alone must at once convince every
+        unprejudiced person of the utter falsity of the reports
+        (promulgated by certain interested parties) of the disloyalty
+        of the Tory ladies, when we see several dames placed in the
+        most imminent danger, yet possessing sufficient presence of
+        mind to offer _lip-service_ to their sovereign.--EDITOR. _Morn.
+        Post_.
+
+Dr. Locock was sent for from town, who, immediately on his arrival at
+Windsor, held a conference with Sir J. Clarke, and a basin of pap was
+prepared by them, which being administered to the Royal Infant, produced
+the most satisfactory results.
+
+We are prohibited from stating the measures taken for the detection of the
+ruffian, lest their disclosure should frustrate the ends of justice.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A ROYAL DUCK.
+
+His Royal Highness Prince Albert, during the sojourn of the Court at
+Windsor Castle, became, by constant practice in the Thames, so expert a
+swimmer, that, with the help of a cork jacket, he could, like Jones of the
+celebrated firm of "Brown, Jones, and Robinson," swim "anywhere over the
+river." Her Majesty, however, with true conjugal regard for the safety of
+the royal duck, never permitted him to venture into the water without
+
+[Illustration: A COMPANION OF THE BATH.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+HIGH LIFE BELOW STAIRS.
+
+Michelly, of the _Morning Post_, was boasting to Westmacott of his
+intimate connexion with the aristocracy. "The _area_-stocracy, more
+likely," replied the ex-editor of the _Argus_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+GREAT ANNUAL MICHAELMAS JUBILEE.
+
+MAGNIFICENT CELEBRATION OF GOOSE-DAY.
+
+How often are we--George Stephens-like--to be called upon to expend our
+invaluable breath in performing Eolian operations upon our own cornopean!
+Here have we, at an enormous expense and paralysing peril, been obliged to
+dispatch our most trusty and well-beloved reporter, to the fens in
+Lincolnshire, stuffed with brandy, swathed in flannel, and crammed with
+jokes; from whence he, at the cost of infinite pounds, unnumbered
+rheumatisms, and a couple of agues, caught, to speak vulgarly, "in a brace
+of shakes," has forwarded us the following authentic account of the august
+proceedings which took place in that county on the anniversary of the great
+St. Michaelmas.
+
+
+FROM OUR OWN CORRESPONDENT.
+
+_Tuesday night_.--Depths of the fens--just arrived--only time to state all
+muck--live eels and festivity--Sibthorp in extra force--betting 6 to 4
+"he cooks everybody's goose"--no takers--D'Israeli says it's a gross want
+of sympathy--full account to-morrow--expect rare doings--must
+conclude--whrr-rh-h--tertian coming on--promises great shakes.
+
+I am, sincerely and shiveringly,
+
+YOUR OWN CORRESPONDENT.
+
+
+_Wednesday morning_.--The day dawned like a second deluge, and the various
+volunteer _dramatis personæ_ seemed like the spectres of the defunct
+water-dogs of Sadler's Wells. An eminent tallow-chandler from the east end
+of Whitechapel contracted for the dripping, and report says he found it a
+very swimming speculation. Life-preservers, waterproof and washable hats,
+were on the ground, which, together with Macintoshes and corks, formed a
+pleasing and varied group. The grand stand was graced by several eminent
+and capacious geese; nor was the infantine simplicity of numerous
+promising young goslings wanting to complete the delightful _ensemble_.
+
+The business of the day commenced with a grand commemorative procession of
+homage to the prize goose, the representative of whom, we are proud to
+say, fell by election to the envied lot of the gallant, jocose, and _Joe
+Miller_tary Colonel Sibthorp.
+
+
+ORDER OF PROCESSION.
+
+    Trumpeter in Ordinary to "all the geese," and
+    himself in particular,
+    On his extraordinary Pegasus, beautifully represented by a Jackass,
+    Idealised with magnificent goose's wings.
+    Mr. GEORGE STEPHENS, Grand Master of Hanky-panky.
+    Balancing on the Pons Asinorum of his Nose the Identical goose-quill
+    with which he indited the Wondrous Tale of Alroy,
+    Mr. BEN D'ISRAELI (much admired).
+    The great Stuffer and Crammer, bearing a stupendous dish
+    Of Sage and Onions,
+    Seated in a magnificent Sauce-boat, supported on either side by
+    Two fly pages bearing Apple-sauce,
+    And a train-bearer distributing mustard,
+    SIR EDWARD GEORGE ERLE LYTTON BULWER.
+    Grand Officiating Gravy Spoon,
+    A character admirably sustained, and
+    supported to the life, by
+    PETER BORTHWICK, M.P. and G.O.G.S.
+    Drawer and Carver-in-Chief,
+    Bearing some splendidly-dissected giblets, with gilt gizzard under his
+    right arm, and plated liver under his left,
+    Surgeon WAKLEY, M.P.
+    Hereditary Champion of the Pope's Nose,
+    Bearing the dismembered Relic enclosed in a beautifully-enamelled
+    Dutch oven,
+    DANIEL O'CONNELL, M.P.
+    The grand Prize Goose,
+    Reclining on a splendid willow-pattern well dish,
+    Colonel WALDO SIBTHORP!
+    Supported by CHARLES PEARSON, and Sir PETER LAURIE,
+    With flowery potatoes and shocking greens.
+    Grand Accountant-General,
+    With a magnificent banner, bearing an elaborate average rate of the price
+    _of geese_.
+    And the cheapest depôts for the same,
+    JOSEPH HUME, M.P.
+
+This imposing procession having reached the grand kitchen, which had been
+erected for the occasion, the festivities instantly commenced by the
+Vice-Goose, Sir EDWARD LYTTON ERLE BULWER, proposing the health of the
+gallant Chairman, the Great-grand Goose:--
+
+"Mr. Chairman and prize goose,--The feelings which now agitate my
+sensorium on this Michaelmasian occasion stimulate the vibratetiuncles of
+the heartiean hypothesis, so as to paralyse the oracular and articulative
+apparatus of my loquacious confirmation, overwhelming my soul-fraught
+imagination, as the boiling streams of liquid lava, buried in one vast
+cinereous mausoleum--the palace-crowded city of the engulphed Pompeii.
+(_Immense cheers_.)--I therefore propose a Methusalemic elongation of the
+duration of the vital principle of the presiding anserian paragon."
+(_Stentorian applause, continued for half-an-hour after the rising of the
+Prize Goose_) who said--
+
+"Fellow Geese and Goslings,--Julius Cæsar, when he laid the first stone
+of the rock of Gibraltar--Mr. Carstairs, the celebrated caligrapher, when
+he indited the inscription on the Rosetta stone--Cleopatra, when she
+hemmed Anthony's bandanna with her celebrated needle--the Colossus of
+Rhodes, when he walked and won his celebrated match against Captain
+Barclay--Galileo, when he discovered and taught his grandmother the mode
+of sucking eggs--could not feel prouder than I do upon the present
+occasion. (_Cheers_.) These reminiscences, I can assure you, will ever
+stick in my grateful gizzard."
+
+Here the gallant Colonel sat down, overcome by his feelings and several
+glasses of Betts' best British brandy.
+
+Song--"Goosey, goosey gander."
+
+Mr. D'ISRAELI then rose, and said,--"Chair, and brethren of the quill, I
+feel, in assuming the perpendicular, like the sun when sinking into his
+emerald bed of western waters. Overcome by emotions mighty as the
+impalpable beams of the harmonious moon's declining light, and forcibly
+impressed as the trembling oak, girt with the invisible arms of the gentle
+loving zephyr; the blush mantles on my cheek, deep as the unfathomed
+depths of the azure ocean. I say, gentlemen, impressed as I am with a
+sense--with a sense, I say, with a sense--" Here the hon. gentleman sat
+down for want of a termination.
+
+Song--"No more shall the children of Judah sing."
+
+Mr. PETER BORTHWICK (having corked himself a handsome pair of mustachios),
+next rose, and said,--"Most potent, grave, and reverend signors, and Mr.
+Chairman,--if it were done, when 'tis done, then 'twere well it were done
+quickly'--in rising to drink--'my custom always of an afternoon'--the
+health of Sir Peter Laurie, and whom I can ask, in the language of the
+immortal bard, 'where gottest thou that goose look,' I can only say, 'had
+Heaven made me such another,' I would not"-- Then Peter Borthwick sat
+down, evidently indisposed, exclaiming--"The drink, Hamlet, the drink!!!"
+
+Here our reporter left the meeting, who were vociferously chanting, by way
+of grace, previous to the attack on the "roast geese," the characteristic
+anthem of the "King of the Cannibal Islands."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+DYER IGNORANCE.
+
+It has been rumoured that Mr. Bernal, the new member, has been for some
+weeks past suffering from a severe attack of scarlet fever, caused by his
+late unparliamentary conduct in addressing the assembled legislators
+as--gentlemen. We are credibly informed that this unprecedented piece of
+ignorance has had the effect, as Shakspere says, of
+
+[Illustration: "MAKING THE GREEN ONE RED."--_Macbeth_.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+MAKING A COMPOSITION WITH ONE'S ANCESTORS.
+
+Roebuck, the ex-attorney, and member for Bath, who has evinced a most
+commendable love of his parents, from his great-grandfather upwards,
+seeing the utter impossibility of carrying through the "whole hog"
+conviction of their respectability, and finding himself in rather an
+awkward "fix," on the present occasion begs to inform the editor of the
+_Times_, that he will be most happy to accept a compromise, on their
+literary and scientific attainments, at the very reasonable rate of
+
+[Illustration: SIX-AND-EIGHTPENCE IN THE POUND.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH'S HISTRIONIC READINGS IN HISTORY.
+
+NO. 1.--ENGLAND.
+
+Of the early history of England nothing is known. It was, however, invaded
+by the _Normans_; but whether they were any relations of the once
+celebrated _Norman_ the pantaloon, we have no authentic record. The
+kingdom had at one time seven kings--two of whom were probably the two
+well-known kings of Brentford. Perhaps, also, the king of Little Britain
+made a third; while old king Cole may have constituted a fourth; thus
+leaving only a trifling balance of three to be accounted for.
+
+Alfred the Great is supposed to have been originally a baker, from his
+having undertaken the task of watching the cakes in the neat-herd's oven;
+and Edward the Black Prince was probably a West Indian, who found his way
+to our hospitable shores at an early period.
+
+We now come to King John, who ascended the throne after putting out his
+nephew's eyes with a pair of curling-irons, and who is the first English
+Sovereign who attempted to write his own name; for the scrawl is evidently
+something more than his mark, which is attached to Magna Charta.
+
+We need say nothing of Richard the Third, with whom all our play-going
+friends are familiar, and who made the disgraceful offer, if Shakspeare is
+to be believed, of parting with the whole kingdom for a horse, though it
+does not appear that the disreputable bargain was ever completed.
+
+The wars of York and Lancaster, which, though not exactly _couleur de
+rose_, were on the subject of white and red roses (that is to say, China
+and cabbage), united the crown in the person of Henry the Seventh, known
+to the play-going public as the Duke of Richmond, and remarkable for
+having entered the country by the Lincolnshire fens; for he talks of
+having got into "the bowels of the land" immediately on his arrival.
+
+Henry the Eighth, as everybody knows, was the husband of seven wives, and
+gave to Mr. Almar (the Sadler's Wells Stephens) the idea of his beautiful
+dramatic poem of the Wife of Seven Husbands.
+
+Elizabeth's reign is remarkable for having produced a mantle which is worn
+at the present day, it having been originally made for one Shakspeare; but
+it is now worn by Mr. George Stephens, for whom, however, it is a palpable
+misfit, and it sits upon him most awkwardly.
+
+Charles the First had his head cut off, and Mr. Cathcart acted him so
+naturally in Miss Mitford's play that one would have thought the monarch
+was entirely without a head all through the tragedy.
+
+Cromwell next obtained the chief authority. This man was a brewer, who did
+not think "small beer" of himself, and inundated his country with "heavy
+wet," in the shape of tears, for a long period.
+
+Charles the Second, well known as the merry monarch, is remarkable only
+for his profligacy, and for the number of very bad farces in which he has
+been the principal character. His brother James had a short reign, but not
+a merry one. He is the only English sovereign who may be said to have
+_amputated his bludgeon_; which, if we were speaking of an ordinary man
+and not a monarch, we should have rendered by the familiar phrase of "cut
+his stick," a process which was soon performed by his majesty.
+
+The crown now devolved upon William and Mary, upon whom half-a crown
+a-piece was thus settled by the liberality of Parliament. William was
+_Prince of Orange_, a descendant probably of the great King _Pippin_.
+
+Anne of Denmark comes next on our list, but of her we shall say nothing;
+and as the Georges who followed her are so near own time, we shall
+observe, with regard to them, an equally impenetrable mystery.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+WAR TO THE NAIL.
+
+The _British Critic_, the high church, in fact, steeple Tory journal,
+tells its readers, "if we strike out the first person of Robert's
+speeches, ay, out of his whole career, they become a rope untwisted," &c.
+&c. &c. This excited old lady is evidently anxious to disfigure the head
+of the government, by scratching Sir Robert Peel's I's out.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+MOLAR AND INCISOR.
+
+Muntz, in rigging Wakley upon the late article in the _Examiner_, likening
+the member for Finsbury, in his connexion with Sir Robert Peel, "to the
+bird which exists by picking the crocodile's teeth," jocularly remarked,
+"Well, I never had any body to pick my teeth." "I should think not, or
+they would have chosen a much better set."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+TWENTY POUNDS.
+
+READER, did you ever want twenty pounds? You have--you have!--I see it--I
+know it! Nay, never blush! Your hand--your hand!
+
+READER.--Sir, I--
+
+Silence!--nonsense--stuff; don't, don't prevaricate--own it as I do,--own
+it and rejoice.
+
+READER.--Really, sir, this conduct--
+
+Is strange. Granted; don't draw back; come, a cordial gripe. We are
+friends; we have both suffered from the same cause. There, that's
+right--honest palm to palm. Now, how say you--have you ever wanted twenty
+pounds?
+
+READER.--Frankly, then, I have.
+
+Mind to mind, as hand to hand. Have you felt as I did? Did its want cloud
+the sun, wither the grass, and blight the bud?
+
+READER.--It did.
+
+But how, marry, how? What! you decline confession--so you may--I'll be
+more explicit. I was abroad, far from my "father-land"--there's a magic in
+the word!--the turf we've played on, the hearts we love, the graves we
+venerate--all, all combine to concentrate its charm.
+
+READER.--You are digressing.
+
+Thank you, I am; but I'll resume. While I could buy them, friends indeed
+were plenty. Alas! prudence is seldom co-mate with youth and inexperience.
+The golden dream was soon to end--end even with the yellow dross that gave
+it birth. Fallacious hopes of coming "posts," averted for a time my coming
+wretchedness--three weeks, and not a line! The landlord suffered from an
+intermitting affection, characteristic of the "stiff-necked
+generation;"--he bowed to others--galvanism could not have procured the
+tithe of a salaam for me. His till was afflicted with a sort of
+sinking-fundishness. I was the contractor of "the small bill," whose exact
+amount would enable him to meet a "heavy payment;" my very garments were
+"tabooed" from all earth's decencies; splashes seemed to have taken a
+lease of the bottoms of my trousers. My boots, once objects of the
+tenderest care of their unworthy namesake, seemed conscious of the change,
+and drooped in untreed wretchedness, desponding at the wretched wrinkles
+now ruffling the once smooth calf! My coat no more appeared to catch the
+dust; as if under the influence of some invisible charm, its white-washed
+elbows never struck upon the sight of the else all-seeing boots; spider
+never rushed from his cell with the post-haste speed with which he issued
+from his dark recess, to pick the slightest cobweb that ever harnessed
+Queen Mab's team, from _other_ coats; a gnat, a wandering hair left its
+location, swept by the angry brush from the broad-cloth of those who paid
+their bills--as far as I was concerned--all were inoculated with this
+strange blindness. It was an overwhelming ophthalmia! The chambermaid,
+through its fatality, never discovered that my jugs were empty, my bottle
+clothed with slimy green, my soap-dish left untenanted. A day before this
+time had been sufficient service for my hand-towel; now a week seemed to
+render it less fit to taste the rubs of hands and soap. Dust lost its
+vice, and lay unheeded in the crammed corner of my luckless room.
+
+READER.--I feel for you.
+
+Silence! the worst is yet to come. At dinner all things changed--soup,
+before too hot to drink, came to my lips cool as if the north wind had
+caressed it; number was at an end; I ranked no longer like a human being;
+I was a huge _ought_--a walking cypher--a vile round O. I had neither
+beginning nor end. Go where I would--top, bottom, sides, 'twas all the
+same. Bouilli avoided me--vegetables declined growing under my eyes--fowls
+fled from me. I might as well have longed for ice-cream in
+Iceland--dessert in a desert. I had no turn--I was the _last man_.
+Nevertheless, dinner was a necessary evil.
+
+READER.--And tea?
+
+Was excluded from the calendar. Night came, but no rest--all things had
+forgotten their office. The sheets huddled in undisturbed selfishness,
+like knotted cables, in one corner of the bed; the blankets, doubtless
+disgusted at their conduct, sought refuge at the foot; and the flock, like
+most other flocks, without a directing hand, was scattered in disjointed
+heaps.
+
+READER.--Did not you complain?
+
+I did--_imprimis_--to boots--boots scratched his head; ditto
+waiter--waiter shook his; the chambermaid, strange to say, was suddenly
+deaf.
+
+READER.--And the landlord?
+
+Did nothing all day; but when I spoke, was in a hurry, "going to his
+ledger," Had I had as many months as hydra, that would have stopped them
+all.
+
+READER.--You were to be _pitied_.
+
+I was. I rose one morning with the sun--it scorched my face, but shone
+not. Nature was in her spring-time to all others, though winter to me. I
+wandered beside the banks of the rapid Rhine, I saw nothing but the thick
+slime that clogged them, and wondered how I could have thought them
+beautiful; the pebbles seemed crushed upon the beach, the stream but added
+to their lifelessness by heaping on them its dull green slime; the lark,
+indeed, was singing--Juliet was right--its notes were nothing but "harsh
+discords and unpleasing sharps"--a rainbow threw its varied arch across
+the heavens--sadness had robbed it of its charm--it seemed a visionary
+cheat--a beautiful delusion.
+
+READER.--I feel with you.
+
+I thank you. I went next day.
+
+READER.--What then?
+
+The glorious sun shed life and joy around--the clear water rushed bounding
+on in glad delight to the sweet music of the scented wind--the pebbly
+beach welcomed its chaste cool kiss, and smiled in freshness as it rolled
+again back to its pristine bed. The buds on which I stepped, elastic with
+high hope, sprung from the ground my foot had pressed them to--the lark--
+
+READER.--You can say nothing new about that.
+
+You are right. I'll pass it, and come at once to an end. My boots stood
+upright, conscious of their glare; a new spring rushed into my bottles;
+Flora's sweets were witnessed in my dress; a mite, a tiny mite, might have
+made progress round my room, nor found a substance larger than itself to
+stop its way. My lips at dinner were scalded with the steaming soup; the
+eager waiters, rushing with the choicest sauce, in dread collision met,
+and soused my well-brushed coat. I was once more number one!--all things
+had changed again.
+
+READER--Except the rainbow.
+
+Ay, even that.
+
+READER,--Indeed! how so?
+
+If still impalpable to the gross foot of earth, it seemed to the charmed
+mind a glowing passage for the freed spirit to mount to bliss!
+
+READER.--May I ask what caused this difference?
+
+You may, and shall be answered. I had received--
+
+READER.--What?
+
+TWENTY POUNDS!
+
+FUSBOS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+CURIOSITY HUNTERS
+
+There is a large class of people in the world--the business of whose lives
+is to hunt after and collect trifling curiosities; who go about like the
+Parisian _chiffonniers_, grubbing and poking in the highways and byeways
+of society, for those dearly-prized objects which the generality of
+mankind would turn up their noses at as worthless rubbish. But though the
+tribe of curiosity-hunters be extremely numerous, Nature, by a wise
+provision, has bestowed on them various appetites, so that, in the pursuit
+of their prey, they are led by different instincts, and what one seizes
+with avidity, another rejects as altogether unworthy of notice.
+
+The varieties of the species are interminable; some of them are well
+known, and need no description--such as the book-worm, the bird-stuffer,
+the coin-taster, the picture-scrubber, &c.; but there are others whose
+tastes are singularly eccentric: of these I may mention the snuff-box
+collector, the cane-fancier, the ring-taker, the play-bill gatherer, to
+say nothing of one illustrious personage, whose passion for collecting a
+library of Bibles is generally known. But there is another individual of
+the species that I have not yet mentioned, whose morbid pleasure in
+collecting relics and memorials of the most revolting deeds of blood and
+crime is too well authenticated to be discredited. I believe that this
+variety, which I term "The Criminal Curiosity Hunter," is unknown to every
+country in the world, except England.
+
+How such a horrible taste should have been engendered here, is a question
+not easily solved. Physiologists are inclined to attribute it to our heavy
+atmosphere, which induces gloomy thoughts and fancies; while moralists
+assign as its cause, the sanguinary spirit of our laws, our brutal
+exhibitions of hanging, drawing and quartering, of gibbettings, whippings,
+brandings, and torturings, which degrade men's natures, and give them a
+relish for scenes of blood and cruelty.
+
+It happened that I had occasion to call on one of those "Criminal
+Curiosity Hunters" lately. He received me with extreme urbanity, and
+pointing to an old-fashioned-looking arm-chair, requested me to be
+seated.--I did so.
+
+"I suppose, sir," said he, with an air of suppressed triumph, "that you
+have no idea that you are now sitting in a remarkable chair?"
+
+I assured him I was totally unconscious of the fact.
+
+"I can tell you, then," he replied, "that it was in that chair Fauntleroy,
+the banker, who was hanged for forgery, was sitting when he was arrested."
+
+"Indeed!"
+
+"Fact, sir! I gave ten guineas for it. I thought also to have obtained the
+night-cap in which he slept the night before his execution, but another
+collector was beforehand with me, and bribed the turnkey to steal it for
+him."
+
+"I had no idea there could be any competition for such an article," I
+observed.
+
+"Ah! sir," said he, with a deep sigh, "you don't know the value of these
+interesting relics. I have been for upwards of thirty years a collector of
+them, and I have now as pretty a museum of Criminal Curiosities as you
+could desire to see."
+
+"It seems you have been indefatigable in your pursuit," said I.
+
+"Yes," he replied, "when a man devotes himself to a great object, he must
+go to it heart and soul. I have spared neither time nor money in _my_
+pursuit; and since I became a collector, I have attended the execution of
+every noted malefactor throughout the kingdom."
+
+Perceiving that my attention was drawn to a common rope, which served as a
+bell-pull, he said--
+
+"I see you are remarking my bell-cord--that is the identical rope, sir,
+which hanged Bellingham, who shot Mr. Perceval in the House of Commons. I
+offered any sum for the one in which Thistlewood ended his life to match
+it--but I was unfortunately disappointed; and the laws have now become so
+disgracefully lenient, that I fear I shall never have an opportunity of
+procuring a respectable companion rope for the other side of my
+mantel-piece. And 'tis all owing to the rascally Whigs, sir--they have
+swept away all our good old English customs, and deprived us of our
+national recreations. I remember, sir, when Monday was called 'hanging
+day' at the Old Bailey; on that morning a man might he certain of seeing
+three or four criminals swung off before his breakfast. 'Tis a curious
+study, sir, that of hanging--I have seen a great many people suffer in my
+time: some go off as quiet as lambs, while others die very reluctantly. I
+have remarked, sir, that 'tis very difficult to hang a Jew pedlar, or a
+hackney-coachman--there's something obstinate in their nature that won't
+let them die like other men. But, as I said before, the Whigs and
+reformers have knocked up the hanging profession; and if it was not for
+the suicides, which, I am happy to say, are as abundant as ever, I don't
+know what we should do."
+
+After my friend's indignation against the anti-hanging principles of
+Reform had subsided a little, he invited me to examine his curiosities,
+which he had arranged in an adjoining room.
+
+"I have not," said he, as we were proceeding thither, "confined my
+collection to objects connected with capital offenders only; it
+comprehends relics of every grade of crime, from murder to petty larceny.
+In that respect I am liberal, sir."
+
+We had now reached the door of the apartment, when my conductor, seizing
+my arm suddenly, pointed to the door-mat upon which I had just set my
+foot, and said, "Observe that mat, sir; it is composed of oakum picked by
+the fair fingers of the late Lady Barrymore, while confined in the
+Penitentiary."
+
+I cast a glance at this humble memorial of her late ladyship's industry,
+and passed into the museum. In doing so, I happened to stumble over a
+stable-bucket, which my friend affirmed was the one from which Thurtell
+watered his horse on his way to Probert's cottage. Opening a drawer, he
+produced a pair of dirty-looking slippers, the authentic property of the
+celebrated Ikey Solomons; and along with them a pair of cotton hose, which
+he assured me he had mangled with his own hands in Sarah Gale's mangle. In
+another drawer he directed my attention to a short clay pipe, once in the
+possession of Burke; and a tobacco-stopper belonging to Hare, the
+notorious murderer. He had also preserved with great care Corder's
+advertisement for a wife, written in his own hand, as it appeared in the
+weekly papers, and a small fragment of a tile from the Red Barn, where
+Maria Martin was murdered by the same Corder. He also possessed the fork
+belonging to the knife with which some German, whose name I forget, cut
+his wife's and children's throats; and a pewter half-quartern measure,
+used at the Black Lion, in Wych-street, by Sixteen-string Jack.
+
+There were, likewise, in the collection several interesting relics of
+humorous felony; such as the snuff-box of the Cock-lane ghost--the stone
+thrown by Collins at William the Fourth's head--a copy of Sir Francis
+Burden's speech, for which he was committed to the Tower--an odd black
+silk glove, worn by Mr. Cotton, the late ordinary of Newgate--Barrington's
+silver tooth-pick--and a stay-lace of Miss Julia Newman.
+
+These were but a small portion of the contents of the museum; but I had
+seen enough to make me sick of the exhibition, and I withdrew with the
+firm resolution never again, during my life, to enter the house of a
+_Criminal Curiosity Hunter_.
+
+X.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+ECCENTRICITIES OF THE MINOR DRAMA.
+
+We had intended to have arranged, for the use of future syncretics, a
+system of coincidences, compiled from the plots of those magnificent
+soul-stirring extravaganzas produced and acted at the modern temples of
+the drama--the chaste Victoria--the didactic Sadler's Wells--and the
+tramontane Pavilion: but we have found the subject too vast for
+comprehension, and must content ourselves with noting some of the more
+exorbitant and refined instances of genius and hallucination displayed in
+those mighty works. Among these the following are pre-eminent:--
+
+It is a remarkable thing that mothers are always buried on the tops of
+inaccessible mountains, and that, when it occurs to their afflicted
+daughters to go and pray at their tombs, they generally choose a
+particularly inclement night as best adapted for that purpose. It is
+convenient, too, if any murder took place exactly on the spot, exactly
+twenty years before, because in that case it is something agreeable to
+reflect upon and allude to.
+
+It is remarkable that people never lie down but to dream, and that they
+always dream quite to the purpose, and immediately on having done
+dreaming, they wake and act upon it.
+
+It is remarkable that young men never know definitely whose sons they are,
+and generally turn out to belong to the wrong father, and find that they
+have been falling in love with their sisters, and all that sort of thing.
+
+N.B. Wanted, a new catastrophe for these incidents, as suicide is going
+out of fashion.
+
+It is remarkable that whenever people are in a particular hurry to be off,
+they make a point of singing a song to put themselves in spirits, and as
+an effectual method of concealing their presence from their enemies, who
+are always close at hand with knives.
+
+It is remarkable that things always go wrong until the last scene, and
+then there is such hurry and bustle to get them right again, that no one
+would ever believe it could be done in the time; only they know it must
+be, and make up their minds to it accordingly.
+
+One word more. Like St. Dunstan's feet, which possessed the sacred virtue
+of self-multiplication, and of which there existed three at one time, it
+appears to be a prerogative of epithets of the superlative degree to
+attach themselves to any number of substantives. Thus the most popular
+comedian of the day is five different men--the most beautiful drama ever
+produced is two farces--an opera and a tragedy--and the most decided hit
+in the memory of man is the "Grecian Statues"--"The Wizard of the
+Moon"--"The Devil's Daughter"--"Martinuzzi"--and "The Refuge for the
+Destitute."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE "WELL-DRESSED" AND THE "WELL-TO-DO."
+
+"There has for the last few days been a smile on the face _of every
+well-dressed gentleman_, and _of every well-to-do artisan_, who wend their
+way along the streets of this vast metropolis. It is caused by the
+opposition exhibition of Friday night in the House of Commons."
+
+Such is the comfortable announcement of a Tory morning paper,--the very
+incarnation of spiteful imbecility. Such is the self-complacency of the
+old Tory hag, that in her wildest moments would bite excessively,--if she
+only had teeth. She has, however, in the very simplicity of her smirking,
+let out the whole secret--has, in the sweet serenity of her satisfaction,
+revealed the selfishness, the wickedness of her creed. _Toryism believes
+only in the well-dressed and the well-to-do_. Purple and fine linen are
+the instrumental parts of her religion. She subscribes, in fact, to
+forty-three points; four meals a day being added to her Christian
+Thirty-nine Articles. Her faith is in glossy raiment and a full belly. She
+has such a reverence for the loaves and fishes, that in the fulness of her
+devotion, she would eat them--as the author of the _Almanach des
+Gourmands_ advises the epicure to eat a certain exquisite dainty--"on her
+knees." She would die a martyr at the fire;--but then it must be lighted
+in the kitchen.
+
+The parliamentary exhibition which, according to the _Sycorax_ of
+Toryism--a _Sycorax_ with double malice, but no potency--has set all the
+well-dressed and well-to-do part of "this vast metropolis" off in one
+simultaneous simper, took place on the following motion made by Mr.
+FIELDEN:--
+
+"Resolved,--That the distress of the working people at the present time is
+so great through the country, but particularly in the manufacturing
+districts, that it is the duty of this House to make instant inquiry into
+the cause and extent of such distress, and devise means to remedy it; and,
+at all events, to vote no supply of money until such inquiry be
+made."--(Hear, hear.)
+
+This motion was negatived by 149 to 41; and it is to this negative that,
+according to the avowal of our veracious contemporary, we owe the radiant
+looks that have lighted up the streets of London for the past few days. In
+the same sense of the writer, but in the better words of the chorus of
+_Tom Thumb_--
+
+  "Nature seemed to wear a universal grin!"
+
+It being always premised and settled that the term nature only comprehends
+the people with sleek coats and full stomachs. Nature abhors a
+vacuum,--therefore has nought to do with empty bellies. Happy are the men
+whose fate, or better philosophy, has kept them from the turnips and the
+heather--fortunate mortals, who, banned from the murder of partridges and
+grouse, have for the last few days of our contemporary, been dwellers in
+merry London! What exulting faces! What crowds of well-dressed, well-fed
+_Malvolios_, "smiling" at one another, though not cross-gartered! To a man
+prone to ponder on that many-leaved, that scribbled, blurred and blotted
+volume, the human face,--that mysterious tome printed with care, with
+cunning and remorse,--that thing of lies, and miseries, and hypocritic
+gladness,--that volume, stained with tears, and scribbled over and over
+with daily wants, and daily sufferings, and daily meannesses;--to such a
+reader who, from the hieroglyphic lines of feigned content, can translate
+the haggard spirit and the pining heart,--to such a man too often
+depressed and sickened by the contemplation of the carnivorous faces
+thronging the streets of London--faces that look as if they deemed the
+stream of all human happiness flowed only from the Mint,--to such a man,
+how great the satisfaction, how surpassing the enjoyment of these "last
+few days!" As with the Thane of Cawdor, every man's face has been a book;
+but, alas! luckier than _Macbeth_, that book has been--_Joe Miller!_
+
+Every well-dressed gentleman has smiled, but then the source of his
+satisfaction has been the rags fluttering on the human carcases in the
+manufacturing districts. Every well-to-do artisan has wended his way along
+the streets showing his teeth, but then at his own sweet will he can
+employ those favoured instruments on roast or boiled: hence his smile for
+those who, gifted with the like weapons, bear them as men bear court
+swords, for ornament, not use. Alas! the smirk of the well-dressed may be
+struck into blank astonishment by the fluttering of rags--by a standard of
+tatters borne by a famine-maddened myriad; the teeth of the dragon want
+may be sown, and the growth may, as of old, be armed men.
+
+Yet can we wonder at the jocoseness of those arrayed in lawn and
+broad-cloth--can we marvel at the simper of the artisan fresh from his
+beef and pudding, solaced with tobacco and porter? Surely not; for the
+smile breaks under the highest patronage; nay, even broad grins would have
+the noblest warranty, for his Grace the Duke of Wellington has pronounced
+rags to be the livery only of wilful idleness--has stamped on the
+withering brow of destitution the brand of the drunkard. Therefore, clap
+your hands to your pulpy sides, oh well-dressed, well-to-do London, and
+disdaining the pettiness of a simper, laugh an ogre's laugh at the rags of
+Manchester--grin like a tickled Polyphemus at the hunger of Bolton!
+
+Our babbling, anile friend, in the very looseness of her prating has let
+out the truth. Or rather--a common custom with her--she has talked in her
+sleep. Her very weakness has, however, given a point to her revelation.
+
+  "Diamonds dart their brightest lustre,
+  _from a palsy-shaken head_!"
+
+In the midst of her snores she has but revealed the plot entered into
+between those most respectable conspirators, Broad Cloth and Beef, against
+those old offenders, those incorrigible miscreants, Rags and Want! The
+confederacy is, to be sure, older than the crucified thieves; but then it
+has not been so undisguisedly avowed. Broad Cloth has, on the contrary,
+affected a sympathy with tatters, though with a constancy of purpose has
+refused an ell from its trailing superfluity to solace the wretchedness;
+the tears of Beef dropt on the lank abdomen of Starvation, are ancient as
+post diluvian crocodiles.--but it has spared no morsel to the object of
+its hypocritic sorrow. Now, however, even the decency of deceit is to be
+dropt, and Broad Cloth is to make sport with the nakedness of the land,
+and merry Beef is to roar like the bulls of Bashan at the agonies of
+famine!
+
+As the winter approaches we are promised increasing sources of amusement
+from the manufacturing districts. What sunny faces will break though the
+fogs of November--what giggling will drown the cutting blasts of January!
+Eschewing the wise relaxation of pantomimes, we shall be taught to consult
+the commercial reports in the newspapers as the highest and fullest source
+of salutary laughter. How we shall simper when mills are stopped--how crow
+with laughter when whole factories are silent and deserted! How
+reader--(for we acknowledge none who are not well-dressed and
+well-to-do)--how you will scream with joy when banks break!--and how
+consult the list of bankrupts as the very spirit and essence of the most
+consummate fun. Insolvency shall henceforth be synonymous with
+repartee--and compositions with creditors practical _bons mots_.
+
+Oh! reader--(but mind, you _must_, we say, to be our reader, be
+well-dressed and well-to-do; for though we owe the very paper beneath your
+eye to rags, we trust we are sufficiently in the mode to laugh
+contemptuously at such abominations)--oh! reader, quit your lighter
+recreations; seek not for merriment in fictitious humour; it is a poor,
+unsatisfactory diet, weak and watery; but find substantial drollery from
+the fluttering of tatters--laugh, and with the crowing joy, grow sleek and
+lusty at the writhings and the lamentations of want!
+
+We have, however, a recent benevolent instance of the political and social
+power of dress--an instance gathered from the Court of Spain. The organ
+(or rather barrel-organ of Toryism, for it has only a set number of tunes)
+which played our opening quotation, also grinds the following:--
+
+"The Regent Espartero, and the tutor Arguelles, are doing all in their
+power to keep the young Queen and the Infanta _in good humour_,
+encouraging the Princesses in many little indulgences suitable to their
+age and sex, _especially in the article of dress_, in which their royal
+mother was more than inattentive. _This line of conduct_, coupled with the
+expected arrival of the Infant, Don Francisco de Paula and his family, who
+are to be received with every mark of respect, indicates that the present
+rulers of Spain, aware of their critical situation, wish to strengthen
+themselves by the support of the great majority of the royal family."
+
+Thus, if the royal family of Spain have an excess of courtesy and
+benevolence towards the people, such blessings will drop upon them from
+the fringed petticoats of the little sovereign. Thus curiously considered,
+may we not trace a bounteous political measure to the lace veil of a
+Queen, and find a great national benefit in the toe of a slipper?
+
+Happy Spaniards! Give fine clothes to _your_ rulers, and they yearn with
+benevolence towards the donors. _They_ do not walk about the streets of
+Madrid, smiling in the strength of their wardrobe at the nakedness of
+those who have subscribed the bravery. Oh, ye "well-dressed gentlemen,"
+and oh, ye "well-to-do artisans!"--be instructed by the new petticoats of
+Queen Isabella, and smile no at rags and famine.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH'S PENCILLINGS.--No. XII.
+
+
+[Illustration: THE TORY PEACOCKS AND THE FINSBURY DAW.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+TRANSACTIONS OF THE GEOLOGICAL SOCIETY OF HOOKHAM-CUM-SNIVEY.
+
+There is not a more interesting science than geology, which, as our
+readers are aware, treats principally of mud and minerals. The association
+at Hookham-cum-Snivey has been very active during the summer, and may be
+said to have been up to its knees in dirt and filth, gravel and gypsum,
+coal, clay and conglomerate, for a very considerable period.
+
+It having been determined to open a sewer where the old Hookham-road meets
+with the ancient Roman footpath at Snivey, the junction of which gives
+name to the modern town, the Geological Association passed a strong
+resolution, in which it was asserted, that the opportunity had at length
+arrived for solving the great doubt that had long perplexed the minds of
+the inhabitants as to whether the soil in the neighbourhood was
+crustaceous or carboniferous. The _crusta_ceous party had been long
+triumphing in the fact, that a mouldy piece of bread had been found at two
+feet below the surface, when digging for the foundation of a swing erected
+in a garden in the neighbourhood; but the _carboni_ferous enthusiasts had
+been thrown into ecstacies, by the sexton having come upon a regular
+_strata_ of undoubted cinders, in clearing out a piece of ground at the
+back of the parson's residence. Some evil-disposed persons had the malice
+to say that the spot had been formerly the site of a subsequently-filled-up
+dusthole; but the _crusta_ceous party, depending as they did upon a single
+piece of bread--_all crumb_ too--however genuine, could not be said to
+have so much to go upon as the _carboni_ferous section, with their heap of
+cinders, the latter being large in quantity, though of doubtful authority.
+
+However, the opening of the sewer was looked forward to with intense
+interest, as being calculated to decide the great question, and all the
+principal geologists were on the spot several hours before operations
+commenced, for the purpose of inspecting the surface of the ground before
+it was disturbed by the spade and pickaxe of the labourer.
+
+It was found that the earth consisted of an outer coat of dust, amongst
+which were several stones, varying in size, with here and there a bone
+picked exceedingly clean, and evidently belonging to a sheep; all of which
+facts gave promise of most gratifying results to the true lover of
+geology. At length the labourer came in sight, and was greeted with loud
+cheers from the crustaceous party, which were ironically echoed by the
+disciples of the carboniferous school, and a most significant "hear,
+hear," proceeded from an active partisan of the latter class, when the
+first stroke of the pickaxe proclaimed the commencement of an operation
+upon which so much was known to depend for the interests of geology. The
+work had proceeded for some time amid breathless interest, interrupted
+only by sneers, cheers, jeers, and cries of "Oh, oh!" or "No, no!" As the
+throwing up of a shovelful of earth excited the hopes of one party, or the
+fears of the other, when a hard substance was struck upon, which caused a
+thrilling sensation among the bystanders. The pressure of the geologists,
+all eager to inspect the object that had created so much curiosity, could
+hardly be restrained, and the president was thrown, with great violence,
+into the hole that had been dug, from which he was pulled with
+extraordinary strength of body, and presence of mind, by the honorary
+treasurer.
+
+The hard substance was found to consist of a piece of iron, of which it
+appeared a vein, or rather an artery, ran both backwards and forwards from
+the spot where it was first discovered. The confusion was at its height,
+for it was supposed a mine had been discovered, and a long altercation
+ensued; the town-clerk claiming it in the name of the lord of the manor,
+while the beadle, with a confused idea about mines being royal property,
+leaped into the hole, and, in the Queen's name, took possession of
+everything. A desperate struggle ensued, in which several geologists were
+laid straight upon the _strata_, and were converted into secondary
+deposits on the surface of the earth; when the lamplighter, coming by,
+recognised the hard iron substance as the large main of the Equitable
+Company. It became therefore necessary to relinquish any further
+investigation on the spot originally chosen, and the matter was postponed
+to another day, so that the great crustaceous and carboniferous question
+remains exactly where it did, to the great injury of the harmony and good
+feeling that has never yet prevailed, though it is hoped it some time or
+other may prevail, among the inhabitants.
+
+But though public investigation of geological truth is for a time at a
+stand-still, we are glad to be able to record the following remarkable
+instance of private enterprise:--
+
+A very active member of the association--the indefatigable Mr.
+Grubemup--determined to leave no stone unturned for the purpose of making
+observations, went out, attended by a single assistant, and made a
+desperate attempt to turn the mile-stone in the Kensington-road, in the
+hope of finding some geological facts at the bottom of it. After several
+hours' labour before day-break, to avoid interruption from the police, he
+succeeded in introducing the point of a pickaxe beneath the base of the
+stone; and eventually he had the satisfaction of removing it from its
+position, when he made the following geological observations:--He found a
+primary deposit of dark soil, and, on putting his spectacles to his eyes,
+he distinctly detected a common worm in a state of high salubrity. This
+clearly proved to him that there must formerly have been a direct
+communication between Hookham-cum-Snivey and the town of Kensington, for
+the worm found beneath the milestone exactly resembled one now in the
+Hookham-cum-Snivey Museum, and which is known as the _vermis communis_, or
+earth-worm, and which has always excited considerable interest among the
+various visitors. Mr. Grubemup, encouraged by this highly satisfactory
+result, proceeded to scratch up with his thumb-nail a portion of the soil,
+and his geological enterprise was speedily rewarded by a fossil of the
+most interesting character. Upon close inspection it proved to be a highly
+crystallised rat's-tail, from which the geologist inferred that there were
+rats on the Kensington-road at a much earlier period than milestones. We
+have not heard that the ingenious gentleman carried his examination
+further, but in the present state of geology, any contribution to the
+science, however small, will be thankfully received by the
+knowledge-loving community.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+LAYS OF THE "BEAU MONDE."
+
+BY THE EDITOR OF THE MORNING POST.
+
+  I saw at Lord George's _rout_,
+    Amid a blaze of _ton_;
+  And such a _tournure_ ne'er "came out"
+  For Maradon Carson!
+    For who that mark'd that sylph-like grace
+  That full Canova hip,
+    That robe of rich Chantilly lace,
+  That faultless satin slip,
+    Could doubt that she would be _the belle_
+  To make a thousand waistcoats swell?
+
+    I saw her seated by my lord,
+  As _joli comme un ange_;
+    She took some _pate perigord_.
+  And after that _blanc mange_:
+    A glass of Moyse's pink champagne
+  Lent lustre to _ses eux_.
+    And then--I heard a Grisian strain--
+  It was her sweet _adieux_;
+    And I--my friend the butler sought,
+    To slake with stout each burning thought.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+METROPOLITAN IMPROVEMENTS.
+
+It is at length decided that Aldgate pump is to be painted, but the vestry
+have not yet determined what the colour is to be. It is thought, to suit
+the diversity of opinions in the parish cabinet, that it will be painted
+in a harlequin pattern.
+
+It is seriously contemplated to attempt the removal of the ancient "Hot
+Codlings" stand from the west-end of Temple Bar. The old woman who at
+present occupies the premises is resolved to resist to the utmost so
+unjust an aggression.
+
+The Corporation of the City of London have, in the most liberal manner,
+given a plot of ground, eighteen by thirteen and a half-inches, for the
+erection of a pickled whilks and pennywinkle establishment, at the corner
+of Newgate-street and the Old Bailey. This will be a valuable boon to the
+Blue-coat boys, and will tend to cause a brisk influx of loose coppers to
+this hitherto much-neglected spot.
+
+The disgraceful state of the gutter-grating in Little Distaff-lane has, at
+length, awakened the attention of the parish authorities. For several days
+past it has been choked by an accumulation of rubbish, but we are now
+enabled, on good authority, to state that the parish-beadle has been
+directed to poke it with his staff, which it is hoped will have the effect
+of removing the obstruction.
+
+The Commissioners of Woods and Forests have ordered plans and estimates to
+be laid before them for the erection of a duck-house on the island of the
+pond in St. James's Park.
+
+It has been decided that the exhibition of fancy paper on the boards of
+the enclosure of Trafalgar-square is to continue open to the public till
+further notice.
+
+By a recent Act of Parliament, foot passengers crossing Blackfriars-bridge
+are allowed to walk on whichever side of it they like best.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+ERRATA IN THE "TIMES."
+
+For "Sir James Graham denied that he ever _changed_ his friends or his
+principles," read "_hanged_ his friends or his principles."
+
+For "Lord John Russell said that he had strenuously endeavoured to keep
+_pace_ with the march of Reform," read "keep _place_ with the march of
+Reform."
+
+For "though Sir Robert Peel is the ostensible _head_, the Duke of
+Wellington holds the _reins_ of the present administration," read "the
+Duke of Wellington holds the _brains_ of the present administration."
+
+For "Colonel Sibthorp said he despised the man who suffered himself be
+made the _tool_ of a party," read "the _fool_ of a party."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE PHYSIOLOGY OF THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT
+
+[Illustration: O]Our lively neighbours on the opposite side of the _Pas de
+Calais_ (as they are pleased, in a spirit of patriotic appropriation, to
+translate the Straits of Dovor), have lately shot off a flight of small
+literary rockets about Paris, which have exploded joyously in every
+direction, producing all sorts of fun and merriment, termed _Les
+Physiologies_--a series of graphic sketches, embodying various every-day
+types of characters moving in the French capital. In the same spirit we
+beg to bring forward the following papers, with the hope that they will
+meet with an equally favourable reception.
+
+
+1. THE INTRODUCTORY DISCOURSE.
+
+We are about to discuss a subject as critical and important to take up as
+the abdominal aorta; for should we offend the class we are about to
+portray, there are fifteen hundred medical students, arrived this week in
+London, ripe and ready to avenge themselves upon our devoted cranium,
+which, although hardened throughout its ligneous formation by many blows,
+would not be proof against their united efforts. And we scarcely know how
+or where to begin. The instincts and different phases, under which this
+interesting race appears, are so numerous, that far from complaining of
+the paucity of materials we have to work upon, we are overwhelmed by
+mental suggestions, and rapidly-dissolving views, of the various classes
+from Guy's to the London University, from St. George's to the London
+Hospital, perpetually crowding upon our brains (if we have any), and
+rendering our ideas as completely muddled as those of a "new man" who has,
+for the first week of October, attended every single lecture in the day,
+from the commencement of chemistry, at nine in the morning, to the close
+of surgery, at eight in the evening. Lecture! auspicious word! we have a
+beginning prompted by the mere sound. We will address you, medical
+students, according to the style you are most accustomed to.
+
+Gentlemen,--Your attention is to be this morning directed to an important
+part of your course on physiology, which your various professors, at two
+o'clock on Saturday afternoon, will separately tell you is derived from
+two Greek words, so that we have no occasion to explain its meaning at
+present. Magendie, Müller, Mayo, Millengen, and various other M's, have
+written works upon physiology, affecting the human race generally; you are
+now requested to listen to the demonstration of one species in
+particular--the Medical Student of London.
+
+Lay aside your deeper studies, then, and turn for a while to our lighter
+sketches; forget the globules of the blood in the contemplation of red
+billiard balls; supplant the _tunica arachnoidea_ of the brain by a
+gossamer hat--the _rete mucosum_ of the skin by a pea-jacket; the vital
+fluid by a pot of half-and-half. Call into play the flexor muscles of your
+arms with boxing-gloves and single-sticks; examine the secreting glands in
+the shape of kidneys and sweetbreads; demonstrate other theories connected
+with the human economy in an equally analogous and pleasant manner; lay
+aside your crib Celsus and Steggall's Manual for our own more enticing
+pages, and find your various habits therein reflected upon paper, with a
+truth to nature only exceeded by the artificial man of the same material
+in the Museum of King's College. Assume for a time all this joyousness.
+PUNCH has entered as a pupil at a medical school (he is not at liberty to
+say which), on purpose to note your propensities, and requests you for a
+short period to look upon him as one of your own lot. His course will
+commence next week, and "The New Man" will be the subject.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+MICHAELMAS DAY
+
+Every one knows that about this time of the year geese are in their prime,
+and are particularly good when stuffed with sage; which accounts for the
+fact, that Sibthorp has made some sage remarks, so that he may not lose by
+comparison with the "foolish birds," with whom he feels a natural
+sympathy.
+
+We have never been able to discover the connexion between geese and
+Michaelmas. There is a reason for associating ducks with Midsummer: we can
+understand the meaning of poultry at Christmas, for _birds_ are
+appropriate to a period when every one sends in _his bill_; but why poor
+St. Michael should be so degradingly associated with a goose is beyond our
+comprehension, and baffles our ingenuity. If St. Michael had been a
+tailor, or an actor, or an author, we could have understood how _goose_
+might have applied to him; but as he was neither one nor the other, we
+really are at a loss to conceive why a goose should have become so
+intimately associated with his name and character.
+
+Among other curious incidents, it may be remarked that, with an
+instinctive dread of _goose_, the redoubtable _Martinuzzi_ drew in his
+horns, just on the eve of Michaelmas, and the _Syncretics_ have just shut
+up shop in time to avoid the "_compliments of the season_" that they had
+every right and every reason to anticipate would be bestowed, if not with
+a "liberal hand," at least with "a lavish mouth," by their audience.
+
+It must be remembered by all the geese against whom PUNCH thinks proper to
+indulge his wit, that at this season of the year they must expect to be
+roasted. Upon the whole, however, we have a high respect for "the foolish
+bird," and when it is remembered that the geese saved Rome, we do not
+think we are wrong in suggesting the possibility of England being yet
+saved by Lord Coventry, or any other cackler in either house of
+Parliament.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"LAND SHARKS AND SEA GULLS."
+
+Admiral Napier observed that "retired lawyers got better paid than retired
+admirals." A gross injustice, as their vocations bear an extraordinary
+similarity; par example--both are _attachés_ of the Fleet: in an action,
+both know the necessity of being bailed out to prevent swamping. One
+service is distinguished by its "davits," the other by its "affidavits;"
+and they are mutually and equally admired for, and known by, their craft.
+The only difference between them being, that the lawyer serves "two
+masters"--the admiral, invariably, three masters. If the same remark
+applies to the members of the army-list, as well as to those of the navy
+and law, we must say that it is an extremely shabby method of
+
+[Illustration: "RELIEVING GUARD."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+LIST OF OUTRAGES.
+
+The following list of outrages, recently perpetrated in the vicinity of a
+notoriously bad house near Westminster Abbey, has not appeared in any of
+the daily papers:--
+
+LORD MELBOURNE--frightfully beaten, and turned out of his house by a gang
+of Peelites.
+
+LORD JOHN RUSSELL--struck on the head by a large majority, and flung into
+a quandary.
+
+LORD COTTENHAM--tripped up by a well-known member of the swell mob, and
+robbed of his seals.
+
+MR. ROEBUCK--stripped and treated with barbarous inhumanity by a notorious
+bruiser named the _Times_. The unfortunate gentleman lies to the present
+moment _speechless_ from the injuries he has sustained.
+
+LORD NORMANBY--stabbed with some sharp instrument, supposed to be Lord
+Stanley's tongue.
+
+LORD MORPETH--struck in the dark by an original idea, from the effects of
+which he has not yet recovered.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+ROOT AND BRANCH.
+
+Roebuck, in complaining of the stigmas cast by the _Times_ upon his
+pedigree, and vehemently insisting on the character of his family tree,
+was kindly assisted by Tom Duncombe, who declared the genus indisputable,
+as nobody could look in Roebuck's face without perceiving his family tree
+must have been the "plane-tree."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SONGS FOR THE SENTIMENTAL.--NO. 8.
+
+
+  You say I have forgot the vow
+    I breath'd in days long past;
+  But had I faithful been, that thou
+    Hadst loved me to the last.
+  _Without_ me, e'en a throne thou'dst scorn--
+    _With_ me, contented beg!
+  False maid! 'tis not that I'm forsworn,--
+    The boot's on t'other leg.
+
+  Amidst the revel thou wast gay,
+    The blithest with the song!
+  Though thou believ'dst me far away,
+    An exile at Boulogne.
+  'Twas then, and not till then, my heart
+    To love thee did refuse;
+  My vows became (false that thou art!)--
+    Another pair of shoes!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+AFFAIRS IN CHINA.
+
+PRIVATE LETTER FROM A YOUNG OFFICER AT THE ENGLISH FACTORY, CANTON, TO HIS
+BROTHER IN ENGLAND.
+
+DEAR TOM,--Everything is going on gloriously--the British arms are
+triumphant--and we now only require the Emperor of China's consent to our
+taking possession of his territory, which I am sorry to say there is at
+present no likelihood of obtaining. However, there is little doubt, if we
+be not all swept off by ague and cholera, that we shall be able to
+maintain our present position a few months longer. Our situation here
+would be very comfortable if we had anything to eat, except bad beef and
+worse biscuit; these, however, are but trifling inconveniences; and though
+we have no fresh meat, we have plenty of fish in the river. One of our men
+caught a fine one the other day, which was bought and cooked for the
+officers' mess, by which means we were all nearly destroyed--the fish
+unfortunately happening to be of a poisonous nature; in consequence of
+which a general order was issued the next day, forbidding the troops to
+catch or eat any more fish. The country around the factory is beautiful;
+but we deem it prudent to keep within the walls, as the Chinese are very
+expert at picking up stragglers, whom they usually strangle. Beyond this
+we cannot complain of our situation; fowls are extremely abundant, but I
+have not seen any, the inhabitants having carried them up the country
+along with their cattle and provisions of every description. The water
+here is so brackish that it is almost impossible to drink it; there are,
+however some wells of delicious water in the neighbourhood, which would be
+a real treasure to us if the Chinese had not poisoned them.
+Notwithstanding these unavoidable privations, the courage of our troops is
+indomitable; a detachment of the ----th regiment succeeded last week in
+taking possession of an island in the river, nearly half an acre in
+extent; it has, however, since been deemed advisable to relinquish this
+important conquest, owing to the muddy nature of the soil, into which
+several of our brave fellows sank to the middle, and were with difficulty
+extricated. A gallant affair took place a few days ago between two English
+men-of-war's boats and a Chinese market junk, which was taken after a
+resolute defence on the part of the Chinaman and his wife, who kept up a
+vigorous fire of pumpkins and water-melons upon our boats, until their
+supply was exhausted, when they were forced to surrender to British
+valour. The captured junk has since been cut up for the use of the forces.
+Though this unpleasant state of affairs has interrupted all formal
+intercourse between the Chinese and English, Captain Elliot has given a
+succession of balls to the occupants of a small mud fort near the shore,
+which I fear they did not relish, as several of them appeared exceedingly
+hurt, and removed with remarkable celerity out of reach of the Captain's
+civilities. Thus, instead of opening the trade, this proceeding has only
+served to open the breach. The Emperor, I hear, is enraged at our
+successes, and has ordered the head and tail of the mandarin, Keshin, to
+be sent in pickle to the imperial court at Pekin. A new mandarin has
+arrived, who has presented a chop to Captain Elliott, but I hope, where
+there is so much at stake, that he will not be put off with a chop. There
+is no description of tea to be had in the market now but gunpowder, which,
+by the last reports, is going off briskly. Our amusements are not very
+numerous, being chiefly confined to yawning and sleeping; of this latter
+recreation I must confess that we enjoy but little, owing to the
+mosquitos, who are remarkably active and persevering in their attacks upon
+us. But with the exception of these tormenting insects, and a rather
+alarming variety of centipedes, scorpions, and spiders, we have no
+venomous creatures to disturb us. The weather is extremely hot, and the
+advantages of the river for bathing would be very great if it were not so
+full of sharks. I have much more to relate of our present cheering
+prospects and enviable situation, but a ship is on the point of sailing
+for England, so must conclude in haste.
+
+Ever, dear Tom, yours,
+
+R.B.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+POACHED EGOTISM.
+
+The _Examiner_ observes, in speaking of the types of the new premier's
+policy,--"The state, I am the state," said the most arrogant of French
+monarchs. "The administration, I am the administration," would seem to say
+Sir Robert Peel. In the speech explanatory of his views, which cannot be
+likened to Wolsey's "_Ego et Rex meus_," because the importance of the
+_ego_ is not impaired by any addition.--This literally amounts to a
+conviction, on the part of the editor of the _Examiner_, that the
+premier's expression is all in his "I."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE POLITICAL NATURALIST'S LIBRARY
+
+CONTENTS OF THE VOLUMES ALREADY PUBLISHED.
+
+
+THE SUPER-NATURAL HISTORY OF--
+
+"HUMMING" BIRDS.--With Memoir and Portraits of Peel, Stanley and Aberdeen.
+
+BIRDS OF THE "GAME" KIND.--Portrait and Memoir of Mr. Gully.
+
+FISHES OF THE "PERCH" GENUS.--Biographical notices of the late Ministry.
+
+RUMINATING ANIMALS, Vol. 1.--Contents: _Goats_, &c. Portrait of Mr. Muntz.
+
+RUMINATING ANIMALS, Vol. 2.--Contents: Deer, Antelopes, &c. Portrait of
+Mr. Roebuck.
+
+MARSUPIALS, OR "POUCHED" ANIMALS.--With many _plates_. Portrait and Memoir
+of Daniel O'Connell, Esq.
+
+BRITISH BUTTERFLIES.--Portrait and Memoir of Sir E. Lytton Bulwer.
+
+COMPLETION OF THE WORK.--Considerable progress has been making in the
+concluding volume of the series. _Rats_, with portraits of Burdett,
+Gibson, Wakley, _et genus omne_; but the subject is so vast that no
+definite time can be fixed for its publication.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A GREAT CARD.
+
+MR. WAKLEY begs to inform the Lords of the Treasury, the editor of the
+_Times_, and the Master of the Mint, that ever anxious to rise in the
+world, he has recently been induced to undertake the sweeping of
+Conservative flues, and the performance of any dirty work which his Tory
+patrons may deem him worthy to perform. Certain objections having been
+made as to his qualifications for a climbing boy, Mr. W. pledges himself
+to undergo any course of training, to enable him to get through the
+business, and to remove any apprehension of his ever becoming
+
+[Illustration: A POTTED BLOATER.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE POETICAL JUSTICE.
+
+SIR PETER LAURIE, in commenting upon the late case of false imprisonment,
+where two young men had been unjustifiably handcuffed by the police,
+delivered himself of the following exquisite piece of rhetoric:--"He did
+not think it possible that such a case of abuse could pass unnoticed as
+that he had just heard. The general conduct of the police was, he
+believed, good; but the instances of arbitrary conduct and overbearing
+demeanour _set to flight all the ancient examples brought forward to
+enrich by contrast the serious parts of the glorious genius of
+Shakspeare_." We never understood or imagined there was an Anacreon among
+the aldermen, a Chaucer in the common council, or a Moliere at the
+Mansion-house. We have now discovered the Peter Lauriate of the City--the
+poet of the Poultry. Who, in the face of the above sentence, can deny his
+right to these titles, if, like ourselves, they are
+
+[Illustration: OPEN TO CONVICTION!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE EVIL MOST TO BE DREADED.
+
+A clergyman, lately preaching to a country congregation, used the
+following persuasive arguments against the vice of swearing:--"Oh, my
+brethren, avoid this practice, for it is a great sin, and, what is more,
+it is _ungenteel_!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH'S THEATRE.
+
+WHAT WILL THE WORLD SAY?
+
+The family of the "Sponges" distributes itself over the entire face of
+society--its members are familiar with almost every knocker, and with
+nearly everybody's dinner-hour. They not unfrequently come in with the
+eggs, and only go out with the last glass of negus. They seem to possess
+the power of ubiquity; for, go where you will, your own especial sponge
+(and everybody with more than two hundred a-year has one), is sure to
+present himself. He is ready for anything, especially where eating, love,
+duelling, or drinking, is concerned. To oblige you, he will breakfast at
+supper-time, or sup at breakfast-time; he will drink any given quantity,
+at any time, and will carry any number of declarations of love to any
+number of ladies, or of challenges to whole armies of rivals: thus far he
+is useful; for he is obliging, and will do anything--but pay.
+
+When he has absorbed all the moisture his victims are able to supply, he
+may be seen walking about in moody solitude in the parks, where he sponges
+upon the ducks, and owes for the use of the chairs. In this dry and
+destitute condition, behold the sponge of the Covent-Garden
+Comedy--_Captain Tarradiddle_. He is in St. James' Park; for, possessing
+imaginary rather than substantial claims to military rank, he flits about
+the Horse-Guards to keep up his character. A person is already upon the
+stage, for whom you instinctively shudder--you perceive, at once, that he
+is "in" for dinner, wine, theatre, and supper--you pity him; you see the
+sponge, speciously, but surely, fasten himself upon his victim like a
+vampire. _Mr. Pye Hilary_, being a barrister and a man of the world,
+resigns himself, however, to his fate. As to shaking off his leech, he
+knows that to be impossible; and he determines to make what use of him he
+can. There is a fine opportunity, for _Mr. Pye Hilary_ is in love, in
+despair, and in waiting: he expects his mistress's abigail; in negociating
+with whom, he conceives _Tarradiddle_ will be a valuable assistant. _Mrs.
+Tattle_ arrives. Preliminaries having been duly settled, articles
+offensive and defensive are entered into, to carry out a plan by which the
+lover shall gain an interview with the mistress; and the treaty is
+ratified by a liberal donation, which the _Captain_ makes to the maid out
+of his friend's purse. The servant is satisfied, and goes off in the
+utmost agitation, for _Miss Mayley_ and her guardian are coming; and she
+dreads being caught in the fact of bribery. _Mr. Hilary_ trembles; so does
+the young lady, when she appears; and the agitation of all parties is only
+put an end to by the fall of the act-drop.
+
+If any class of her Majesty's subjects are more miserable than another, it
+is that of gentlemen's servants. One of these oppressed persons is
+revealed to us in the next act. Poor fellow! he has nothing to do but to
+sit in the hall, and nothing to amuse him but the newspaper. But his
+misfortunes do not end here: as if to add insult to injury, the family
+governess presumes to upbraid him, and actually insists upon his taking a
+letter to the post. _Mr. Nibble_ declines performing so undignified a
+service, in the most footman-like terms; but unfortunately, as it
+generally happens, in families where there are pretty governesses and
+gallant sons, _Miss de Vere_ has a protector in the _Hon. Charles
+Norwold_, who overhears her unreasonable demand, and with a degree of
+injustice enough to make the entire livery of London rave with
+indignation, inflicts upon his father's especial livery, and _Nibble's_
+illustrious person, a severe caning. The consequence of this "strike" is,
+that _Nibble_ gives warning, _Lord_ and _Lady Norwold_ are paralysed at
+this important resignation; for by it they discover that a secret
+coalition has taken place between their son and the governess--they are
+man and wife! Good heavens! the heir of all the Norwolds marry a teacher,
+who has nothing to recommend her but virtue, talent, and beauty!
+Monstrous!--"What will the world say?"
+
+The treaty formed between _Mistress Tattle_ and _Mr. Pye Hilary_ is in the
+next act being acted upon. We behold _Captain Tarradiddle_, as one of the
+high contracting parties' ambassador, taking lodgings in a house exactly
+opposite to that in which _Miss Mayley_ resides. Of course nothing so
+natural as that the Captain should indulge his friend with a visit for a
+few days, or, if possible, for a few weeks. It is also natural that the
+host, under the circumstances, should wish to know something of the birth,
+parentage, and education of his guest, of which, though an old
+acquaintance; he is, as yet, entirely ignorant. Now, if it be possible to
+affront a real sponge (but there is nothing more difficult), such
+inquiries are likely to produce that happy consummation. _Tarradiddle_,
+however, gets over the difficulty with the tact peculiar to his class, and
+is fortunately interrupted by the announcement that _Tattle_ is in the
+parlour, duly keeping her agreement, by bringing her mistress's favourite
+canary, which, having flown away quite by accident, under her guidance,
+has chosen to perch in _Hilary's_ new lodging, on purpose to give him the
+opportunity of returning it, and of obtaining an interview with _Miss
+Mayley_. The expedient succeeds in the next scene; the lover bows and
+stammers--as lovers do at first interviews--the lady is polite but
+dignified, and _Tarradiddle_, who has been angling for an invitation, has
+his hopes entirely put to flight by the entrance of the lady's guardian,
+_Mr. Warner_, who very promptly cuts matters short by ringing the bell and
+saying "Good evening," in that tone of voice which always intimates a
+desire for a good riddance. This hint is too broad ever to be mistaken; so
+the sponge and his victim back out.
+
+_Mr. Warner_ is a merchant, and all merchants in plays are the "noblest
+characters the world can boast," and very rich. Thus it has happened that
+_Warner_ has, through a money-agent, one _Grub_, been enabled to lend, at
+various times, large sums of money, to _Lady Norwold_--her ladyship being
+one of those who, dreading "what will the world say?" is by no means an
+economist, and prefers "ruin to retrenchment." As security for these
+loans, the lady deposits her jewels, suite by suite, till the great object
+of all _Warner's_ advances gets into his possession--namely, a bracelet,
+which is a revered relic of the Norwold family. So far _Warner_, in spite
+of a troublesome ward, and his late visitors, is happy; but he soon
+receives a letter, which puts his happiness to flight. His daughter, who
+has been on a visit in Paris, became, he now learns, united some months
+before, to _Charles Norwold_, and a governess in his father's family. By
+further inquiries, he learns that the son is discarded, and is, with his
+wife, consigned to beggary, for fear of--"what will the world say?"
+
+The fourth act exhibits one of the scenes of human life hitherto veiled
+from the eyes of the most prying--a genuine specimen of the sponge
+species--at home! Actually living under a roof that he calls his own; in
+company with a wife who is certainly nobody else's. She is
+ironing--_Tarradiddle_ is smoking, and, like all smokers, philosophising.
+Here we learn the _Honourable Charles Norwold_ and his wife have taken
+lodgings; hither they are pursued by _Hilary_, who has managed to
+ingratiate himself with _Warner_, and undertaken to trace the merchant's
+lost daughter; here, to _Pye's_ astonishment, he finds his friend and
+sponge. Some banter ensues, not always agreeable to the Captain, but all
+ends very pleasantly by the entrance of _Warner_, who discovers his
+daughter, and becomes a father-in-law with a good grace.
+
+The denouement is soon told:--_Warner_, having received his daughter and
+her husband, gives a party at which _Lady_, and afterwards _Lord Norwold_,
+are present. Here Warner's anxiety to obtain the bracelet is explained. He
+reminds his lordship that he once accused his elder brother of stealing
+that very bauble; and the consequence was, that the accused disappeared,
+and was never after heard of. _Warner_ avows himself to be that brother,
+but declines disturbing the rights or property of his lordship, if he will
+again receive his son. This is, of course, done. _Hilary_ jokes himself
+into _Miss Mayley's_ good graces, and _Tarradiddle_, in all the glories of
+a brown coat, and an outrageously fine waistcoat, enters to make the scene
+complete, and to help to speak the tag, in which all the characters have a
+hand; Mrs. Glover ending by making a propitiatory appeal to the audience
+in favour of the author, who ought to be very grateful to her for the
+captivating tones in which she asked for an affirmative answer to the
+question--
+
+  "What will the world say?"
+
+Circumstances prevent us from giving any opinion whatever, except upon the
+scenery, the appointments, and the acting. The first is beautiful--the
+second appropriate and splendid--the last natural, pointed, and in good
+taste.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SIBTHORPIANA.
+
+A clergyman was explaining to the gallant officer the meaning of the
+phrase "born again;" but it was quite unintelligible to Sib., who remarked
+that he knew no one who could _bear_ him even once.
+
+"Do you read the notice to correspondents in PUNCH?" quoth Sib.--"I do,"
+replied Hardinge, "and I wonder people should send them such
+trash."--"Pooh!" retorted the punster--"Pooh! you know that wherever PUNCH
+is to be found, there are always plenty of _spoons_ after it."
+
+"It's a wonder you're not drunk," said Sibthorp to Wieland--"a great
+wonder, because--do you give it up?--Because  you're _a tumbler full of
+spirits_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+CURIOUS AMBIGUITY.
+
+The correspondent of a London paper, writing from Sunderland respecting
+the report that Lord Howick had been fired at by some ruffian, says, with
+great _naïveté_, "a gun was certainly pointed at his lordship's head, but
+it is generally believed there was nothing in it."--We confess we are at a
+loss to know whether the facetious writer alludes to the _gun_ or the
+_head_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE THORNY PREMIER.
+
+A Tory evening paper tells its readers that Sir Robert Peel expects a
+harassing opposition from the late ministry, but that he is prepared for
+them on _all points_. This reminds us of the defensive expedient of the
+hedgehog, which, conscious of its weakness, rolls itself into a ball, to
+be prepared for its assailants on _all points_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+TO PROFESSORS OF LANGUAGES WHO GIVE LONG CREDIT AND TAKE SMALL PAY.
+
+Mister F. &c. &c. &c. Bayley is anxious to treat for a course of lessons
+in the purest Irish. None but such as will conceal a West Indian patois
+will be of the slightest use. For particulars, and cards to view, apply to
+Mr. Catnach, Music and Marble Warehouse, Seven-dials.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+1, October 2, 1841, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+***** This file should be named 14930-8.txt or 14930-8.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/9/3/14930/
+
+Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG
+Online Distributed Proofreading
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+https://gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at
+https://pglaf.org/fundraising.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at https://pglaf.org
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit https://pglaf.org
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including including checks, online payments and credit card
+donations.  To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     https://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.