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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/14930-8.txt b/14930-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..fce92ea --- /dev/null +++ b/14930-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2246 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, +October 2, 1841, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, October 2, 1841 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14930] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG +Online Distributed Proofreading + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 1. + + + +FOR THE WEEK ENDING OCTOBER 2, 1841. + + * * * * * + + +THE TIPTOES. + +A SKETCH. + + "The Wrongheads have been a considerable family ever since England + was England." + + VANBRUGH. + +[Illustration: M]Morning and evening, from every village within three or +four miles of the metropolis, may be remarked a tide of young men wending +diurnal way to and from their respective desks and counters in the city, +preceded by a ripple of errand-boys, and light porters, and followed by an +ebb of plethoric elderly gentlemen in drab gaiters. Now these individuals +compose--for the most part--that particular, yet indefinite class of +people, who call themselves "gentlemen," and are called by everybody else +"persons." They are a body--the advanced guard--of the "Tiptoes;" an army +which invaded us some thirty years ago, and which, since that time, has +been actively and perseveringly spoiling and desolating our modest, quiet, +comfortable English homes, turning our parlours into "boudoirs," ripping +our fragrant patches of roses into fantastic "parterres," covering our +centre tables with albums and wax flowers, and, in short (for these +details pain us), stripping our nooks and corners of the welcome warm air +of pleasant homeliness, which was wont to be a charm and a privilege, to +substitute for it a chilly gloss--an unwholesome straining after effect--a +something less definite in its operation than in its result, which is +called--gentility. + +To have done with simile. Our matrons have discovered that luxury is +specifically cheaper than comfort (and they regard them as independent, if +not incompatible terms); and more than this, that comfort is, after all, +but an irrelevant and dispensable corollary to gentility, while luxury is +its main prop and stay. Furthermore, that improvidence is a virtue of such +lustre, that itself or its likeness is essential to the very existence of +respectability; and, by carrying out this proposition, that in order to +make the least amount of extravagance produce the utmost admiration and +envy, it is desirable to be improvident as publicly as possible; the means +for such expenditure being gleaned from retrenchments in the home +department. Thus, by a system of domestic alchemy, the education of the +children is resolved into a vehicle; a couple of maids are amalgamated +into a man in livery; while to a single drudge, superintended and aided by +the mistress and elder girls, is confided the economy of the pantry, from +whose meagre shelves are supplied supplementary blondes and kalydors. + +Now a system of economy which can induce a mother to "bring up her +children at home," while she regards a phaeton as absolutely necessary to +convey her to church and to her tradespeople, and an annual visit to the +sea-side as perfectly indispensable to restore the faded complexions of +Frances and Jemima, ruined by late hours and hot cream, may be considered +open to censure by the philosopher who places women (and girls, _i.e._ +unmarried women) in the rank of responsible or even rational creatures. +But in this disposition he would be clearly wrong. Before venturing to +define the precise capacity of either an individual or a class, their own +opinion on the subject should assuredly be consulted; and we are quite +sure that there is not one of the lady Tiptoes who would not recoil with +horror from the suspicion of advancing or even of entertaining an idea--it +having been ascertained that everything original (sin and all) is quite +inconformable with the feminine character--unless indeed it be a method of +finding the third side of a turned silk--or of defining that zero of +fortune, to stand below which constitutes a "detrimental." + +The Misses Tiptoe are an indefinite number of young ladies, of whom it is +commonly remarked that some may have been pretty, and others may, +hereafter, be pretty. But they never _are_ so; and, consequently, they are +very fearful of being eclipsed by their dependents, and take care to +engage only ill-favoured governesses, and (but 'tis an old pun) very plain +cooks. The great business of their lives is fascination, and in its +pursuit they are unremitting. It is divided in distinct departments, among +the sisters; each of whom is characterised at home by some laudatory +epithet, strikingly illustrative of what they would like to be. There is +Miss Tiptoe, such an amiable girl! that is, she has a large mouth, and a +Mallan in the middle of it. There is Jemima, "who enjoys such delicate +health "--_that_ is, she has no bust, and wears a scarf. Then there is +Grace, who is all for evening rambles, and the "Pilgrim of Love;" and +Fanny, who can _not_ help talking; and whom, in its turn, talking +certainly cannot help. They are remarkable for doing a little of +everything at all times. Whether it be designing on worsted or on +bachelors--whether concerting overtures musical or matrimonial; the same +pretty development of the shoulder through that troublesome scarf--the +same hasty confusion in drawing it on again, and referring to the watch to +see what time it is--displays the mind ever intent on the great object of +their career. But they seldom marry (unless, in desperation, their +cousins), for they despise the rank which they affect to have quitted--and +no man of sense ever loved a Tiptoe. So they continue at home until the +house is broken up; and then they retire in a galaxy to some provincial +Belle Vue-terrace or Prospect-place; where they endeavour to forestall the +bachelors with promiscuous orange-blossoms and maidenly susceptibilities. +We have characterised these heart-burning efforts after "station," as +originating with, and maintained by, the female branches of the family; +and they are so--but, nevertheless, their influence on the young men is no +less destructive than certain. It is a fact, that, the more restraint that +is inflicted on these individuals in the gilded drawing-room at home, the +more do they crave after the unshackled enjoyment of their animal +vulgarity abroad. Their principal characteristics are a love of large +plaids, and a choice vocabulary of popular idiomatic forms of speech; and +these will sufficiently define them in the saloons of the theatres and in +the cigar divans. But they are not ever thus. By no means. At home (which +does not naturally indicate their own house), having donned their "other +waistcoat" and their pin (emblematic of a blue hand grasping an egg, or of +a butterfly poised on a wheel)--pop! they are _gentlemen_. With the +hebdomadal sovereign straggling in the extreme verge of their +pockets--with the afternoon rebuke of the "principal," or peradventure of +some senior clerk, still echoing in their ears--they are GENTLEMEN. They +are desired to be such by their mother and sisters, and so they talk about +cool hundreds--and the points of horses--and (on the strength of the +dramatic criticisms in the _Satirist_) of Grisi in _Norma_, and Persiani +in _La Sonnambula_--of Taglioni and Cerito--of last season and the season +before that. + +We know not how far the readers of PUNCH may be inclined to approve so +prosy an article as this in their pet periodical; but we have ventured to +appeal to them (as the most sensible people in the country) against a +class of shallow empirics, who have managed to glide unchidden into our +homes and our families, to chill the one and to estrange the other. +Surely, surely, we were unworthy of our descent, could we see unmoved our +lovely English girls, whose modesty was wont to be equalled only by their +beauty, concentrating all their desires and their energies on a good +match; or our reverend English matrons, the pride and honour of the land, +employing themselves in the manufacture of fish-bone blanc-mange and +mucilaginous tipsy-cakes; or our young Englishmen, our hope and our +resource, spending themselves in the debasing contamination of cigars and +alcohol. + + * * * * * + + +CONDENSED PARLIAMENTARY REPORT ON THE MISCELLANEOUS ESTIMATES. + + Vide _Examiner_. + + MR. WILLIAMS--objected-- + SIR T. WILDE--vindicated-- + SIR R. PEEL--doubted-- + MR. PLUMPTRE--opposed-- + MR. VILLIERS--requested-- + MR. EWART--moved-- + MR. EASTCOURT--thought-- + MR. FERRAND--complained-- + LORD JOHN RUSSELL--wished-- + MR. AGLIONBY--was of opinion-- + MR. STEWART WORTLEY--hoped-- + MR. WAKLEY--thought-- + MR. RICE--urged-- + MR. FIELDEN--regretted-- + MR. WARD--was convinced-- + + * * * * * + + +TAKING THE HODDS. + +On a recent visit of Lord Waterford to the "Holy Land," then to sojourn in +the hostel or caravansera of the protecting _Banks_ of that classic +ground, that interesting young nobleman adopted, as the seat of his +precedency, a Brobdignag hod, the private property of some descendant from +one of the defunct kings of Ulster; at the close of an eloquent harangue; +his lordship expressed an earnest wish that he should be able to continue + +[Illustration: GOING IT LIKE BRICKS--] + +a hope instantly gratified by the stalwart proprietor, who, wildly +exclaiming, "Sit aisy!" hoisted the lordly burden on his shoulders, and +gave him the full benefit of a shilling fare in that most unusual vehicle. + + * * * * * + + +Q.E.D. + +"SIR ROBERT PEEL thinks a great deal of himself," says the _British +Critic_. "Yes," asserts PUNCH, "he is just the man to trouble himself +about trifles." + + * * * * * + + +[Illustration] + +ROEBUCK DEFYING THE "THUNDERER." + + + Roebuck was seated in his great arm chair, + Looking as senatorial and wise + As a calf's head, when taken in surprise; + A half-munch'd muffin did his fingers bear-- + An empty egg-shell proved his meal nigh o'er. + When, lo! there came a tapping at the door: + "Come in!" he cried, + And in another minute by his side + Stood John the footboy, with the morning paper, + Wet from the press. O'er Roebuck's cheek + There passed a momentary gleam of joy, + Which spoke, as plainly as a smile could speak, + "Your master's speech is in that paper, boy." + He waved his hand--the footboy left the room-- + Roebuck pour'd out a cup of Hyson bloom; + And, having sipp'd the tea and sniff'd the vapour, + Spread out the "Thunderer" before his eyes-- + When, to his great surprise, + He saw imprinted there, in black and white, + That he, THE ROE-buck--HE, whom all men knew, + Had been expressly born to set worlds right-- + That HE was nothing but a _parvenu_. + Jove! was it possible they lack'd the knowledge he + Boasted a literary and scientific genealogy! + That he had had some ancestors before him-- + (Beside the Pa who wed the Ma who bore him)-- + Men whom the world had slighted, it is true, + Because it never knew + The greatness of the genius which had lain, + Like unwrought ore, within each vasty brain; + And as a prejudice exists that those + Who never do disclose + The knowledge that they boast of, seldom have any, + Each of his learned ancestors had died, + By an ungrateful world belied, + And dubb'd a Zany. + That HE should be + Denied a pedigree! + Appeared so monstrous in this land of freedom, + He instantly conceived the notion + To go down to the House and make a motion, + That all men had a right to those who breed 'em. + + * * * * * + + Behold him in his seat, his face carnation, + Just like an ace of hearts, + Not red and white in parts, + But one complete illumination. + He rises--members blow their noses, + And cough and hem! till one supposes, + A general catarrh prevails from want of ventilation. + He speaks:-- + Mr. Speaker, Sir, in me you see + A member of this house (_hear, hear_), + With whose proud pedigree + The "Thunderer" has dared to interfere. + Now I implore, + That Lawson may be brought upon the floor, + And beg my pardon on his bended knees. + In whatsoever terms I please. + _(Oh! oh!) + (No! no!)_ + I, too, propose, + To pull his nose: + No matter if the law objects or not; + And if the printer's nose cannot be got, + The small proboscis of the printer's devil + Shall serve my turn for language so uncivil! + The "Thunderer" I defy, + And its vile lie. + (As Ajax did the lightning flash of yore.) + I likewise move this House requires-- + No, that's too complimentary--desires, + That Mr. Lawson's brought upon the floor. + The thing was done: + The house divided, and the Ayes were--ONE! + + * * * * * + + +EXPRESS FROM WINDSOR. + +Last evening a most diabolical, and, it is to be regretted successful, +attempt, was made to kiss the Princess Royal. It appears that the Royal +Babe was taking an airing in the park, reclining in the arms of her +principal nurse, and accompanied by several ladies of the court, who were +amusing the noble infant by playing rattles, when a man of ferocious +appearance emerged from behind some trees, walked deliberately up to the +noble group, placed his hands on the nurse, and bent his head over the +Princess. The Honourable Miss Stanley, guessing the ruffian's intention, +earnestly implored him to kiss her instead, in which request she was +backed by all the ladies present.[1] He was not, however, to be frustrated +in the attempt, which no sooner had he accomplished, than he hurried off +amidst the suppressed screams of the ladies. The Royal Infant was +immediately carried to the palace, where her heart-rending cries attracted +the attention of her Majesty, who, on hurrying to the child, and hearing +the painful narration, would, in the burst of her maternal affection, have +kissed the infant, had not Sir J. Clarke, who was fortunately present, +prevented her so doing. + + [1] This circumstance alone must at once convince every + unprejudiced person of the utter falsity of the reports + (promulgated by certain interested parties) of the disloyalty + of the Tory ladies, when we see several dames placed in the + most imminent danger, yet possessing sufficient presence of + mind to offer _lip-service_ to their sovereign.--EDITOR. _Morn. + Post_. + +Dr. Locock was sent for from town, who, immediately on his arrival at +Windsor, held a conference with Sir J. Clarke, and a basin of pap was +prepared by them, which being administered to the Royal Infant, produced +the most satisfactory results. + +We are prohibited from stating the measures taken for the detection of the +ruffian, lest their disclosure should frustrate the ends of justice. + + * * * * * + + +A ROYAL DUCK. + +His Royal Highness Prince Albert, during the sojourn of the Court at +Windsor Castle, became, by constant practice in the Thames, so expert a +swimmer, that, with the help of a cork jacket, he could, like Jones of the +celebrated firm of "Brown, Jones, and Robinson," swim "anywhere over the +river." Her Majesty, however, with true conjugal regard for the safety of +the royal duck, never permitted him to venture into the water without + +[Illustration: A COMPANION OF THE BATH.] + + * * * * * + + +HIGH LIFE BELOW STAIRS. + +Michelly, of the _Morning Post_, was boasting to Westmacott of his +intimate connexion with the aristocracy. "The _area_-stocracy, more +likely," replied the ex-editor of the _Argus_. + + * * * * * + + +GREAT ANNUAL MICHAELMAS JUBILEE. + +MAGNIFICENT CELEBRATION OF GOOSE-DAY. + +How often are we--George Stephens-like--to be called upon to expend our +invaluable breath in performing Eolian operations upon our own cornopean! +Here have we, at an enormous expense and paralysing peril, been obliged to +dispatch our most trusty and well-beloved reporter, to the fens in +Lincolnshire, stuffed with brandy, swathed in flannel, and crammed with +jokes; from whence he, at the cost of infinite pounds, unnumbered +rheumatisms, and a couple of agues, caught, to speak vulgarly, "in a brace +of shakes," has forwarded us the following authentic account of the august +proceedings which took place in that county on the anniversary of the great +St. Michaelmas. + + +FROM OUR OWN CORRESPONDENT. + +_Tuesday night_.--Depths of the fens--just arrived--only time to state all +muck--live eels and festivity--Sibthorp in extra force--betting 6 to 4 +"he cooks everybody's goose"--no takers--D'Israeli says it's a gross want +of sympathy--full account to-morrow--expect rare doings--must +conclude--whrr-rh-h--tertian coming on--promises great shakes. + +I am, sincerely and shiveringly, + +YOUR OWN CORRESPONDENT. + + +_Wednesday morning_.--The day dawned like a second deluge, and the various +volunteer _dramatis personę_ seemed like the spectres of the defunct +water-dogs of Sadler's Wells. An eminent tallow-chandler from the east end +of Whitechapel contracted for the dripping, and report says he found it a +very swimming speculation. Life-preservers, waterproof and washable hats, +were on the ground, which, together with Macintoshes and corks, formed a +pleasing and varied group. The grand stand was graced by several eminent +and capacious geese; nor was the infantine simplicity of numerous +promising young goslings wanting to complete the delightful _ensemble_. + +The business of the day commenced with a grand commemorative procession of +homage to the prize goose, the representative of whom, we are proud to +say, fell by election to the envied lot of the gallant, jocose, and _Joe +Miller_tary Colonel Sibthorp. + + +ORDER OF PROCESSION. + + Trumpeter in Ordinary to "all the geese," and + himself in particular, + On his extraordinary Pegasus, beautifully represented by a Jackass, + Idealised with magnificent goose's wings. + Mr. GEORGE STEPHENS, Grand Master of Hanky-panky. + Balancing on the Pons Asinorum of his Nose the Identical goose-quill + with which he indited the Wondrous Tale of Alroy, + Mr. BEN D'ISRAELI (much admired). + The great Stuffer and Crammer, bearing a stupendous dish + Of Sage and Onions, + Seated in a magnificent Sauce-boat, supported on either side by + Two fly pages bearing Apple-sauce, + And a train-bearer distributing mustard, + SIR EDWARD GEORGE ERLE LYTTON BULWER. + Grand Officiating Gravy Spoon, + A character admirably sustained, and + supported to the life, by + PETER BORTHWICK, M.P. and G.O.G.S. + Drawer and Carver-in-Chief, + Bearing some splendidly-dissected giblets, with gilt gizzard under his + right arm, and plated liver under his left, + Surgeon WAKLEY, M.P. + Hereditary Champion of the Pope's Nose, + Bearing the dismembered Relic enclosed in a beautifully-enamelled + Dutch oven, + DANIEL O'CONNELL, M.P. + The grand Prize Goose, + Reclining on a splendid willow-pattern well dish, + Colonel WALDO SIBTHORP! + Supported by CHARLES PEARSON, and Sir PETER LAURIE, + With flowery potatoes and shocking greens. + Grand Accountant-General, + With a magnificent banner, bearing an elaborate average rate of the price + _of geese_. + And the cheapest depōts for the same, + JOSEPH HUME, M.P. + +This imposing procession having reached the grand kitchen, which had been +erected for the occasion, the festivities instantly commenced by the +Vice-Goose, Sir EDWARD LYTTON ERLE BULWER, proposing the health of the +gallant Chairman, the Great-grand Goose:-- + +"Mr. Chairman and prize goose,--The feelings which now agitate my +sensorium on this Michaelmasian occasion stimulate the vibratetiuncles of +the heartiean hypothesis, so as to paralyse the oracular and articulative +apparatus of my loquacious confirmation, overwhelming my soul-fraught +imagination, as the boiling streams of liquid lava, buried in one vast +cinereous mausoleum--the palace-crowded city of the engulphed Pompeii. +(_Immense cheers_.)--I therefore propose a Methusalemic elongation of the +duration of the vital principle of the presiding anserian paragon." +(_Stentorian applause, continued for half-an-hour after the rising of the +Prize Goose_) who said-- + +"Fellow Geese and Goslings,--Julius Cęsar, when he laid the first stone +of the rock of Gibraltar--Mr. Carstairs, the celebrated caligrapher, when +he indited the inscription on the Rosetta stone--Cleopatra, when she +hemmed Anthony's bandanna with her celebrated needle--the Colossus of +Rhodes, when he walked and won his celebrated match against Captain +Barclay--Galileo, when he discovered and taught his grandmother the mode +of sucking eggs--could not feel prouder than I do upon the present +occasion. (_Cheers_.) These reminiscences, I can assure you, will ever +stick in my grateful gizzard." + +Here the gallant Colonel sat down, overcome by his feelings and several +glasses of Betts' best British brandy. + +Song--"Goosey, goosey gander." + +Mr. D'ISRAELI then rose, and said,--"Chair, and brethren of the quill, I +feel, in assuming the perpendicular, like the sun when sinking into his +emerald bed of western waters. Overcome by emotions mighty as the +impalpable beams of the harmonious moon's declining light, and forcibly +impressed as the trembling oak, girt with the invisible arms of the gentle +loving zephyr; the blush mantles on my cheek, deep as the unfathomed +depths of the azure ocean. I say, gentlemen, impressed as I am with a +sense--with a sense, I say, with a sense--" Here the hon. gentleman sat +down for want of a termination. + +Song--"No more shall the children of Judah sing." + +Mr. PETER BORTHWICK (having corked himself a handsome pair of mustachios), +next rose, and said,--"Most potent, grave, and reverend signors, and Mr. +Chairman,--if it were done, when 'tis done, then 'twere well it were done +quickly'--in rising to drink--'my custom always of an afternoon'--the +health of Sir Peter Laurie, and whom I can ask, in the language of the +immortal bard, 'where gottest thou that goose look,' I can only say, 'had +Heaven made me such another,' I would not"-- Then Peter Borthwick sat +down, evidently indisposed, exclaiming--"The drink, Hamlet, the drink!!!" + +Here our reporter left the meeting, who were vociferously chanting, by way +of grace, previous to the attack on the "roast geese," the characteristic +anthem of the "King of the Cannibal Islands." + + * * * * * + + +DYER IGNORANCE. + +It has been rumoured that Mr. Bernal, the new member, has been for some +weeks past suffering from a severe attack of scarlet fever, caused by his +late unparliamentary conduct in addressing the assembled legislators +as--gentlemen. We are credibly informed that this unprecedented piece of +ignorance has had the effect, as Shakspere says, of + +[Illustration: "MAKING THE GREEN ONE RED."--_Macbeth_.] + + * * * * * + + +MAKING A COMPOSITION WITH ONE'S ANCESTORS. + +Roebuck, the ex-attorney, and member for Bath, who has evinced a most +commendable love of his parents, from his great-grandfather upwards, +seeing the utter impossibility of carrying through the "whole hog" +conviction of their respectability, and finding himself in rather an +awkward "fix," on the present occasion begs to inform the editor of the +_Times_, that he will be most happy to accept a compromise, on their +literary and scientific attainments, at the very reasonable rate of + +[Illustration: SIX-AND-EIGHTPENCE IN THE POUND.] + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH'S HISTRIONIC READINGS IN HISTORY. + +NO. 1.--ENGLAND. + +Of the early history of England nothing is known. It was, however, invaded +by the _Normans_; but whether they were any relations of the once +celebrated _Norman_ the pantaloon, we have no authentic record. The +kingdom had at one time seven kings--two of whom were probably the two +well-known kings of Brentford. Perhaps, also, the king of Little Britain +made a third; while old king Cole may have constituted a fourth; thus +leaving only a trifling balance of three to be accounted for. + +Alfred the Great is supposed to have been originally a baker, from his +having undertaken the task of watching the cakes in the neat-herd's oven; +and Edward the Black Prince was probably a West Indian, who found his way +to our hospitable shores at an early period. + +We now come to King John, who ascended the throne after putting out his +nephew's eyes with a pair of curling-irons, and who is the first English +Sovereign who attempted to write his own name; for the scrawl is evidently +something more than his mark, which is attached to Magna Charta. + +We need say nothing of Richard the Third, with whom all our play-going +friends are familiar, and who made the disgraceful offer, if Shakspeare is +to be believed, of parting with the whole kingdom for a horse, though it +does not appear that the disreputable bargain was ever completed. + +The wars of York and Lancaster, which, though not exactly _couleur de +rose_, were on the subject of white and red roses (that is to say, China +and cabbage), united the crown in the person of Henry the Seventh, known +to the play-going public as the Duke of Richmond, and remarkable for +having entered the country by the Lincolnshire fens; for he talks of +having got into "the bowels of the land" immediately on his arrival. + +Henry the Eighth, as everybody knows, was the husband of seven wives, and +gave to Mr. Almar (the Sadler's Wells Stephens) the idea of his beautiful +dramatic poem of the Wife of Seven Husbands. + +Elizabeth's reign is remarkable for having produced a mantle which is worn +at the present day, it having been originally made for one Shakspeare; but +it is now worn by Mr. George Stephens, for whom, however, it is a palpable +misfit, and it sits upon him most awkwardly. + +Charles the First had his head cut off, and Mr. Cathcart acted him so +naturally in Miss Mitford's play that one would have thought the monarch +was entirely without a head all through the tragedy. + +Cromwell next obtained the chief authority. This man was a brewer, who did +not think "small beer" of himself, and inundated his country with "heavy +wet," in the shape of tears, for a long period. + +Charles the Second, well known as the merry monarch, is remarkable only +for his profligacy, and for the number of very bad farces in which he has +been the principal character. His brother James had a short reign, but not +a merry one. He is the only English sovereign who may be said to have +_amputated his bludgeon_; which, if we were speaking of an ordinary man +and not a monarch, we should have rendered by the familiar phrase of "cut +his stick," a process which was soon performed by his majesty. + +The crown now devolved upon William and Mary, upon whom half-a crown +a-piece was thus settled by the liberality of Parliament. William was +_Prince of Orange_, a descendant probably of the great King _Pippin_. + +Anne of Denmark comes next on our list, but of her we shall say nothing; +and as the Georges who followed her are so near own time, we shall +observe, with regard to them, an equally impenetrable mystery. + + * * * * * + + +WAR TO THE NAIL. + +The _British Critic_, the high church, in fact, steeple Tory journal, +tells its readers, "if we strike out the first person of Robert's +speeches, ay, out of his whole career, they become a rope untwisted," &c. +&c. &c. This excited old lady is evidently anxious to disfigure the head +of the government, by scratching Sir Robert Peel's I's out. + + * * * * * + + +MOLAR AND INCISOR. + +Muntz, in rigging Wakley upon the late article in the _Examiner_, likening +the member for Finsbury, in his connexion with Sir Robert Peel, "to the +bird which exists by picking the crocodile's teeth," jocularly remarked, +"Well, I never had any body to pick my teeth." "I should think not, or +they would have chosen a much better set." + + * * * * * + + +TWENTY POUNDS. + +READER, did you ever want twenty pounds? You have--you have!--I see it--I +know it! Nay, never blush! Your hand--your hand! + +READER.--Sir, I-- + +Silence!--nonsense--stuff; don't, don't prevaricate--own it as I do,--own +it and rejoice. + +READER.--Really, sir, this conduct-- + +Is strange. Granted; don't draw back; come, a cordial gripe. We are +friends; we have both suffered from the same cause. There, that's +right--honest palm to palm. Now, how say you--have you ever wanted twenty +pounds? + +READER.--Frankly, then, I have. + +Mind to mind, as hand to hand. Have you felt as I did? Did its want cloud +the sun, wither the grass, and blight the bud? + +READER.--It did. + +But how, marry, how? What! you decline confession--so you may--I'll be +more explicit. I was abroad, far from my "father-land"--there's a magic in +the word!--the turf we've played on, the hearts we love, the graves we +venerate--all, all combine to concentrate its charm. + +READER.--You are digressing. + +Thank you, I am; but I'll resume. While I could buy them, friends indeed +were plenty. Alas! prudence is seldom co-mate with youth and inexperience. +The golden dream was soon to end--end even with the yellow dross that gave +it birth. Fallacious hopes of coming "posts," averted for a time my coming +wretchedness--three weeks, and not a line! The landlord suffered from an +intermitting affection, characteristic of the "stiff-necked +generation;"--he bowed to others--galvanism could not have procured the +tithe of a salaam for me. His till was afflicted with a sort of +sinking-fundishness. I was the contractor of "the small bill," whose exact +amount would enable him to meet a "heavy payment;" my very garments were +"tabooed" from all earth's decencies; splashes seemed to have taken a +lease of the bottoms of my trousers. My boots, once objects of the +tenderest care of their unworthy namesake, seemed conscious of the change, +and drooped in untreed wretchedness, desponding at the wretched wrinkles +now ruffling the once smooth calf! My coat no more appeared to catch the +dust; as if under the influence of some invisible charm, its white-washed +elbows never struck upon the sight of the else all-seeing boots; spider +never rushed from his cell with the post-haste speed with which he issued +from his dark recess, to pick the slightest cobweb that ever harnessed +Queen Mab's team, from _other_ coats; a gnat, a wandering hair left its +location, swept by the angry brush from the broad-cloth of those who paid +their bills--as far as I was concerned--all were inoculated with this +strange blindness. It was an overwhelming ophthalmia! The chambermaid, +through its fatality, never discovered that my jugs were empty, my bottle +clothed with slimy green, my soap-dish left untenanted. A day before this +time had been sufficient service for my hand-towel; now a week seemed to +render it less fit to taste the rubs of hands and soap. Dust lost its +vice, and lay unheeded in the crammed corner of my luckless room. + +READER.--I feel for you. + +Silence! the worst is yet to come. At dinner all things changed--soup, +before too hot to drink, came to my lips cool as if the north wind had +caressed it; number was at an end; I ranked no longer like a human being; +I was a huge _ought_--a walking cypher--a vile round O. I had neither +beginning nor end. Go where I would--top, bottom, sides, 'twas all the +same. Bouilli avoided me--vegetables declined growing under my eyes--fowls +fled from me. I might as well have longed for ice-cream in +Iceland--dessert in a desert. I had no turn--I was the _last man_. +Nevertheless, dinner was a necessary evil. + +READER.--And tea? + +Was excluded from the calendar. Night came, but no rest--all things had +forgotten their office. The sheets huddled in undisturbed selfishness, +like knotted cables, in one corner of the bed; the blankets, doubtless +disgusted at their conduct, sought refuge at the foot; and the flock, like +most other flocks, without a directing hand, was scattered in disjointed +heaps. + +READER.--Did not you complain? + +I did--_imprimis_--to boots--boots scratched his head; ditto +waiter--waiter shook his; the chambermaid, strange to say, was suddenly +deaf. + +READER.--And the landlord? + +Did nothing all day; but when I spoke, was in a hurry, "going to his +ledger," Had I had as many months as hydra, that would have stopped them +all. + +READER.--You were to be _pitied_. + +I was. I rose one morning with the sun--it scorched my face, but shone +not. Nature was in her spring-time to all others, though winter to me. I +wandered beside the banks of the rapid Rhine, I saw nothing but the thick +slime that clogged them, and wondered how I could have thought them +beautiful; the pebbles seemed crushed upon the beach, the stream but added +to their lifelessness by heaping on them its dull green slime; the lark, +indeed, was singing--Juliet was right--its notes were nothing but "harsh +discords and unpleasing sharps"--a rainbow threw its varied arch across +the heavens--sadness had robbed it of its charm--it seemed a visionary +cheat--a beautiful delusion. + +READER.--I feel with you. + +I thank you. I went next day. + +READER.--What then? + +The glorious sun shed life and joy around--the clear water rushed bounding +on in glad delight to the sweet music of the scented wind--the pebbly +beach welcomed its chaste cool kiss, and smiled in freshness as it rolled +again back to its pristine bed. The buds on which I stepped, elastic with +high hope, sprung from the ground my foot had pressed them to--the lark-- + +READER.--You can say nothing new about that. + +You are right. I'll pass it, and come at once to an end. My boots stood +upright, conscious of their glare; a new spring rushed into my bottles; +Flora's sweets were witnessed in my dress; a mite, a tiny mite, might have +made progress round my room, nor found a substance larger than itself to +stop its way. My lips at dinner were scalded with the steaming soup; the +eager waiters, rushing with the choicest sauce, in dread collision met, +and soused my well-brushed coat. I was once more number one!--all things +had changed again. + +READER--Except the rainbow. + +Ay, even that. + +READER,--Indeed! how so? + +If still impalpable to the gross foot of earth, it seemed to the charmed +mind a glowing passage for the freed spirit to mount to bliss! + +READER.--May I ask what caused this difference? + +You may, and shall be answered. I had received-- + +READER.--What? + +TWENTY POUNDS! + +FUSBOS. + + * * * * * + + +CURIOSITY HUNTERS + +There is a large class of people in the world--the business of whose lives +is to hunt after and collect trifling curiosities; who go about like the +Parisian _chiffonniers_, grubbing and poking in the highways and byeways +of society, for those dearly-prized objects which the generality of +mankind would turn up their noses at as worthless rubbish. But though the +tribe of curiosity-hunters be extremely numerous, Nature, by a wise +provision, has bestowed on them various appetites, so that, in the pursuit +of their prey, they are led by different instincts, and what one seizes +with avidity, another rejects as altogether unworthy of notice. + +The varieties of the species are interminable; some of them are well +known, and need no description--such as the book-worm, the bird-stuffer, +the coin-taster, the picture-scrubber, &c.; but there are others whose +tastes are singularly eccentric: of these I may mention the snuff-box +collector, the cane-fancier, the ring-taker, the play-bill gatherer, to +say nothing of one illustrious personage, whose passion for collecting a +library of Bibles is generally known. But there is another individual of +the species that I have not yet mentioned, whose morbid pleasure in +collecting relics and memorials of the most revolting deeds of blood and +crime is too well authenticated to be discredited. I believe that this +variety, which I term "The Criminal Curiosity Hunter," is unknown to every +country in the world, except England. + +How such a horrible taste should have been engendered here, is a question +not easily solved. Physiologists are inclined to attribute it to our heavy +atmosphere, which induces gloomy thoughts and fancies; while moralists +assign as its cause, the sanguinary spirit of our laws, our brutal +exhibitions of hanging, drawing and quartering, of gibbettings, whippings, +brandings, and torturings, which degrade men's natures, and give them a +relish for scenes of blood and cruelty. + +It happened that I had occasion to call on one of those "Criminal +Curiosity Hunters" lately. He received me with extreme urbanity, and +pointing to an old-fashioned-looking arm-chair, requested me to be +seated.--I did so. + +"I suppose, sir," said he, with an air of suppressed triumph, "that you +have no idea that you are now sitting in a remarkable chair?" + +I assured him I was totally unconscious of the fact. + +"I can tell you, then," he replied, "that it was in that chair Fauntleroy, +the banker, who was hanged for forgery, was sitting when he was arrested." + +"Indeed!" + +"Fact, sir! I gave ten guineas for it. I thought also to have obtained the +night-cap in which he slept the night before his execution, but another +collector was beforehand with me, and bribed the turnkey to steal it for +him." + +"I had no idea there could be any competition for such an article," I +observed. + +"Ah! sir," said he, with a deep sigh, "you don't know the value of these +interesting relics. I have been for upwards of thirty years a collector of +them, and I have now as pretty a museum of Criminal Curiosities as you +could desire to see." + +"It seems you have been indefatigable in your pursuit," said I. + +"Yes," he replied, "when a man devotes himself to a great object, he must +go to it heart and soul. I have spared neither time nor money in _my_ +pursuit; and since I became a collector, I have attended the execution of +every noted malefactor throughout the kingdom." + +Perceiving that my attention was drawn to a common rope, which served as a +bell-pull, he said-- + +"I see you are remarking my bell-cord--that is the identical rope, sir, +which hanged Bellingham, who shot Mr. Perceval in the House of Commons. I +offered any sum for the one in which Thistlewood ended his life to match +it--but I was unfortunately disappointed; and the laws have now become so +disgracefully lenient, that I fear I shall never have an opportunity of +procuring a respectable companion rope for the other side of my +mantel-piece. And 'tis all owing to the rascally Whigs, sir--they have +swept away all our good old English customs, and deprived us of our +national recreations. I remember, sir, when Monday was called 'hanging +day' at the Old Bailey; on that morning a man might he certain of seeing +three or four criminals swung off before his breakfast. 'Tis a curious +study, sir, that of hanging--I have seen a great many people suffer in my +time: some go off as quiet as lambs, while others die very reluctantly. I +have remarked, sir, that 'tis very difficult to hang a Jew pedlar, or a +hackney-coachman--there's something obstinate in their nature that won't +let them die like other men. But, as I said before, the Whigs and +reformers have knocked up the hanging profession; and if it was not for +the suicides, which, I am happy to say, are as abundant as ever, I don't +know what we should do." + +After my friend's indignation against the anti-hanging principles of +Reform had subsided a little, he invited me to examine his curiosities, +which he had arranged in an adjoining room. + +"I have not," said he, as we were proceeding thither, "confined my +collection to objects connected with capital offenders only; it +comprehends relics of every grade of crime, from murder to petty larceny. +In that respect I am liberal, sir." + +We had now reached the door of the apartment, when my conductor, seizing +my arm suddenly, pointed to the door-mat upon which I had just set my +foot, and said, "Observe that mat, sir; it is composed of oakum picked by +the fair fingers of the late Lady Barrymore, while confined in the +Penitentiary." + +I cast a glance at this humble memorial of her late ladyship's industry, +and passed into the museum. In doing so, I happened to stumble over a +stable-bucket, which my friend affirmed was the one from which Thurtell +watered his horse on his way to Probert's cottage. Opening a drawer, he +produced a pair of dirty-looking slippers, the authentic property of the +celebrated Ikey Solomons; and along with them a pair of cotton hose, which +he assured me he had mangled with his own hands in Sarah Gale's mangle. In +another drawer he directed my attention to a short clay pipe, once in the +possession of Burke; and a tobacco-stopper belonging to Hare, the +notorious murderer. He had also preserved with great care Corder's +advertisement for a wife, written in his own hand, as it appeared in the +weekly papers, and a small fragment of a tile from the Red Barn, where +Maria Martin was murdered by the same Corder. He also possessed the fork +belonging to the knife with which some German, whose name I forget, cut +his wife's and children's throats; and a pewter half-quartern measure, +used at the Black Lion, in Wych-street, by Sixteen-string Jack. + +There were, likewise, in the collection several interesting relics of +humorous felony; such as the snuff-box of the Cock-lane ghost--the stone +thrown by Collins at William the Fourth's head--a copy of Sir Francis +Burden's speech, for which he was committed to the Tower--an odd black +silk glove, worn by Mr. Cotton, the late ordinary of Newgate--Barrington's +silver tooth-pick--and a stay-lace of Miss Julia Newman. + +These were but a small portion of the contents of the museum; but I had +seen enough to make me sick of the exhibition, and I withdrew with the +firm resolution never again, during my life, to enter the house of a +_Criminal Curiosity Hunter_. + +X. + + * * * * * + + +ECCENTRICITIES OF THE MINOR DRAMA. + +We had intended to have arranged, for the use of future syncretics, a +system of coincidences, compiled from the plots of those magnificent +soul-stirring extravaganzas produced and acted at the modern temples of +the drama--the chaste Victoria--the didactic Sadler's Wells--and the +tramontane Pavilion: but we have found the subject too vast for +comprehension, and must content ourselves with noting some of the more +exorbitant and refined instances of genius and hallucination displayed in +those mighty works. Among these the following are pre-eminent:-- + +It is a remarkable thing that mothers are always buried on the tops of +inaccessible mountains, and that, when it occurs to their afflicted +daughters to go and pray at their tombs, they generally choose a +particularly inclement night as best adapted for that purpose. It is +convenient, too, if any murder took place exactly on the spot, exactly +twenty years before, because in that case it is something agreeable to +reflect upon and allude to. + +It is remarkable that people never lie down but to dream, and that they +always dream quite to the purpose, and immediately on having done +dreaming, they wake and act upon it. + +It is remarkable that young men never know definitely whose sons they are, +and generally turn out to belong to the wrong father, and find that they +have been falling in love with their sisters, and all that sort of thing. + +N.B. Wanted, a new catastrophe for these incidents, as suicide is going +out of fashion. + +It is remarkable that whenever people are in a particular hurry to be off, +they make a point of singing a song to put themselves in spirits, and as +an effectual method of concealing their presence from their enemies, who +are always close at hand with knives. + +It is remarkable that things always go wrong until the last scene, and +then there is such hurry and bustle to get them right again, that no one +would ever believe it could be done in the time; only they know it must +be, and make up their minds to it accordingly. + +One word more. Like St. Dunstan's feet, which possessed the sacred virtue +of self-multiplication, and of which there existed three at one time, it +appears to be a prerogative of epithets of the superlative degree to +attach themselves to any number of substantives. Thus the most popular +comedian of the day is five different men--the most beautiful drama ever +produced is two farces--an opera and a tragedy--and the most decided hit +in the memory of man is the "Grecian Statues"--"The Wizard of the +Moon"--"The Devil's Daughter"--"Martinuzzi"--and "The Refuge for the +Destitute." + + * * * * * + + +THE "WELL-DRESSED" AND THE "WELL-TO-DO." + +"There has for the last few days been a smile on the face _of every +well-dressed gentleman_, and _of every well-to-do artisan_, who wend their +way along the streets of this vast metropolis. It is caused by the +opposition exhibition of Friday night in the House of Commons." + +Such is the comfortable announcement of a Tory morning paper,--the very +incarnation of spiteful imbecility. Such is the self-complacency of the +old Tory hag, that in her wildest moments would bite excessively,--if she +only had teeth. She has, however, in the very simplicity of her smirking, +let out the whole secret--has, in the sweet serenity of her satisfaction, +revealed the selfishness, the wickedness of her creed. _Toryism believes +only in the well-dressed and the well-to-do_. Purple and fine linen are +the instrumental parts of her religion. She subscribes, in fact, to +forty-three points; four meals a day being added to her Christian +Thirty-nine Articles. Her faith is in glossy raiment and a full belly. She +has such a reverence for the loaves and fishes, that in the fulness of her +devotion, she would eat them--as the author of the _Almanach des +Gourmands_ advises the epicure to eat a certain exquisite dainty--"on her +knees." She would die a martyr at the fire;--but then it must be lighted +in the kitchen. + +The parliamentary exhibition which, according to the _Sycorax_ of +Toryism--a _Sycorax_ with double malice, but no potency--has set all the +well-dressed and well-to-do part of "this vast metropolis" off in one +simultaneous simper, took place on the following motion made by Mr. +FIELDEN:-- + +"Resolved,--That the distress of the working people at the present time is +so great through the country, but particularly in the manufacturing +districts, that it is the duty of this House to make instant inquiry into +the cause and extent of such distress, and devise means to remedy it; and, +at all events, to vote no supply of money until such inquiry be +made."--(Hear, hear.) + +This motion was negatived by 149 to 41; and it is to this negative that, +according to the avowal of our veracious contemporary, we owe the radiant +looks that have lighted up the streets of London for the past few days. In +the same sense of the writer, but in the better words of the chorus of +_Tom Thumb_-- + + "Nature seemed to wear a universal grin!" + +It being always premised and settled that the term nature only comprehends +the people with sleek coats and full stomachs. Nature abhors a +vacuum,--therefore has nought to do with empty bellies. Happy are the men +whose fate, or better philosophy, has kept them from the turnips and the +heather--fortunate mortals, who, banned from the murder of partridges and +grouse, have for the last few days of our contemporary, been dwellers in +merry London! What exulting faces! What crowds of well-dressed, well-fed +_Malvolios_, "smiling" at one another, though not cross-gartered! To a man +prone to ponder on that many-leaved, that scribbled, blurred and blotted +volume, the human face,--that mysterious tome printed with care, with +cunning and remorse,--that thing of lies, and miseries, and hypocritic +gladness,--that volume, stained with tears, and scribbled over and over +with daily wants, and daily sufferings, and daily meannesses;--to such a +reader who, from the hieroglyphic lines of feigned content, can translate +the haggard spirit and the pining heart,--to such a man too often +depressed and sickened by the contemplation of the carnivorous faces +thronging the streets of London--faces that look as if they deemed the +stream of all human happiness flowed only from the Mint,--to such a man, +how great the satisfaction, how surpassing the enjoyment of these "last +few days!" As with the Thane of Cawdor, every man's face has been a book; +but, alas! luckier than _Macbeth_, that book has been--_Joe Miller!_ + +Every well-dressed gentleman has smiled, but then the source of his +satisfaction has been the rags fluttering on the human carcases in the +manufacturing districts. Every well-to-do artisan has wended his way along +the streets showing his teeth, but then at his own sweet will he can +employ those favoured instruments on roast or boiled: hence his smile for +those who, gifted with the like weapons, bear them as men bear court +swords, for ornament, not use. Alas! the smirk of the well-dressed may be +struck into blank astonishment by the fluttering of rags--by a standard of +tatters borne by a famine-maddened myriad; the teeth of the dragon want +may be sown, and the growth may, as of old, be armed men. + +Yet can we wonder at the jocoseness of those arrayed in lawn and +broad-cloth--can we marvel at the simper of the artisan fresh from his +beef and pudding, solaced with tobacco and porter? Surely not; for the +smile breaks under the highest patronage; nay, even broad grins would have +the noblest warranty, for his Grace the Duke of Wellington has pronounced +rags to be the livery only of wilful idleness--has stamped on the +withering brow of destitution the brand of the drunkard. Therefore, clap +your hands to your pulpy sides, oh well-dressed, well-to-do London, and +disdaining the pettiness of a simper, laugh an ogre's laugh at the rags of +Manchester--grin like a tickled Polyphemus at the hunger of Bolton! + +Our babbling, anile friend, in the very looseness of her prating has let +out the truth. Or rather--a common custom with her--she has talked in her +sleep. Her very weakness has, however, given a point to her revelation. + + "Diamonds dart their brightest lustre, + _from a palsy-shaken head_!" + +In the midst of her snores she has but revealed the plot entered into +between those most respectable conspirators, Broad Cloth and Beef, against +those old offenders, those incorrigible miscreants, Rags and Want! The +confederacy is, to be sure, older than the crucified thieves; but then it +has not been so undisguisedly avowed. Broad Cloth has, on the contrary, +affected a sympathy with tatters, though with a constancy of purpose has +refused an ell from its trailing superfluity to solace the wretchedness; +the tears of Beef dropt on the lank abdomen of Starvation, are ancient as +post diluvian crocodiles.--but it has spared no morsel to the object of +its hypocritic sorrow. Now, however, even the decency of deceit is to be +dropt, and Broad Cloth is to make sport with the nakedness of the land, +and merry Beef is to roar like the bulls of Bashan at the agonies of +famine! + +As the winter approaches we are promised increasing sources of amusement +from the manufacturing districts. What sunny faces will break though the +fogs of November--what giggling will drown the cutting blasts of January! +Eschewing the wise relaxation of pantomimes, we shall be taught to consult +the commercial reports in the newspapers as the highest and fullest source +of salutary laughter. How we shall simper when mills are stopped--how crow +with laughter when whole factories are silent and deserted! How +reader--(for we acknowledge none who are not well-dressed and +well-to-do)--how you will scream with joy when banks break!--and how +consult the list of bankrupts as the very spirit and essence of the most +consummate fun. Insolvency shall henceforth be synonymous with +repartee--and compositions with creditors practical _bons mots_. + +Oh! reader--(but mind, you _must_, we say, to be our reader, be +well-dressed and well-to-do; for though we owe the very paper beneath your +eye to rags, we trust we are sufficiently in the mode to laugh +contemptuously at such abominations)--oh! reader, quit your lighter +recreations; seek not for merriment in fictitious humour; it is a poor, +unsatisfactory diet, weak and watery; but find substantial drollery from +the fluttering of tatters--laugh, and with the crowing joy, grow sleek and +lusty at the writhings and the lamentations of want! + +We have, however, a recent benevolent instance of the political and social +power of dress--an instance gathered from the Court of Spain. The organ +(or rather barrel-organ of Toryism, for it has only a set number of tunes) +which played our opening quotation, also grinds the following:-- + +"The Regent Espartero, and the tutor Arguelles, are doing all in their +power to keep the young Queen and the Infanta _in good humour_, +encouraging the Princesses in many little indulgences suitable to their +age and sex, _especially in the article of dress_, in which their royal +mother was more than inattentive. _This line of conduct_, coupled with the +expected arrival of the Infant, Don Francisco de Paula and his family, who +are to be received with every mark of respect, indicates that the present +rulers of Spain, aware of their critical situation, wish to strengthen +themselves by the support of the great majority of the royal family." + +Thus, if the royal family of Spain have an excess of courtesy and +benevolence towards the people, such blessings will drop upon them from +the fringed petticoats of the little sovereign. Thus curiously considered, +may we not trace a bounteous political measure to the lace veil of a +Queen, and find a great national benefit in the toe of a slipper? + +Happy Spaniards! Give fine clothes to _your_ rulers, and they yearn with +benevolence towards the donors. _They_ do not walk about the streets of +Madrid, smiling in the strength of their wardrobe at the nakedness of +those who have subscribed the bravery. Oh, ye "well-dressed gentlemen," +and oh, ye "well-to-do artisans!"--be instructed by the new petticoats of +Queen Isabella, and smile no at rags and famine. + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH'S PENCILLINGS.--No. XII. + + +[Illustration: THE TORY PEACOCKS AND THE FINSBURY DAW.] + + * * * * * + + +TRANSACTIONS OF THE GEOLOGICAL SOCIETY OF HOOKHAM-CUM-SNIVEY. + +There is not a more interesting science than geology, which, as our +readers are aware, treats principally of mud and minerals. The association +at Hookham-cum-Snivey has been very active during the summer, and may be +said to have been up to its knees in dirt and filth, gravel and gypsum, +coal, clay and conglomerate, for a very considerable period. + +It having been determined to open a sewer where the old Hookham-road meets +with the ancient Roman footpath at Snivey, the junction of which gives +name to the modern town, the Geological Association passed a strong +resolution, in which it was asserted, that the opportunity had at length +arrived for solving the great doubt that had long perplexed the minds of +the inhabitants as to whether the soil in the neighbourhood was +crustaceous or carboniferous. The _crusta_ceous party had been long +triumphing in the fact, that a mouldy piece of bread had been found at two +feet below the surface, when digging for the foundation of a swing erected +in a garden in the neighbourhood; but the _carboni_ferous enthusiasts had +been thrown into ecstacies, by the sexton having come upon a regular +_strata_ of undoubted cinders, in clearing out a piece of ground at the +back of the parson's residence. Some evil-disposed persons had the malice +to say that the spot had been formerly the site of a subsequently-filled-up +dusthole; but the _crusta_ceous party, depending as they did upon a single +piece of bread--_all crumb_ too--however genuine, could not be said to +have so much to go upon as the _carboni_ferous section, with their heap of +cinders, the latter being large in quantity, though of doubtful authority. + +However, the opening of the sewer was looked forward to with intense +interest, as being calculated to decide the great question, and all the +principal geologists were on the spot several hours before operations +commenced, for the purpose of inspecting the surface of the ground before +it was disturbed by the spade and pickaxe of the labourer. + +It was found that the earth consisted of an outer coat of dust, amongst +which were several stones, varying in size, with here and there a bone +picked exceedingly clean, and evidently belonging to a sheep; all of which +facts gave promise of most gratifying results to the true lover of +geology. At length the labourer came in sight, and was greeted with loud +cheers from the crustaceous party, which were ironically echoed by the +disciples of the carboniferous school, and a most significant "hear, +hear," proceeded from an active partisan of the latter class, when the +first stroke of the pickaxe proclaimed the commencement of an operation +upon which so much was known to depend for the interests of geology. The +work had proceeded for some time amid breathless interest, interrupted +only by sneers, cheers, jeers, and cries of "Oh, oh!" or "No, no!" As the +throwing up of a shovelful of earth excited the hopes of one party, or the +fears of the other, when a hard substance was struck upon, which caused a +thrilling sensation among the bystanders. The pressure of the geologists, +all eager to inspect the object that had created so much curiosity, could +hardly be restrained, and the president was thrown, with great violence, +into the hole that had been dug, from which he was pulled with +extraordinary strength of body, and presence of mind, by the honorary +treasurer. + +The hard substance was found to consist of a piece of iron, of which it +appeared a vein, or rather an artery, ran both backwards and forwards from +the spot where it was first discovered. The confusion was at its height, +for it was supposed a mine had been discovered, and a long altercation +ensued; the town-clerk claiming it in the name of the lord of the manor, +while the beadle, with a confused idea about mines being royal property, +leaped into the hole, and, in the Queen's name, took possession of +everything. A desperate struggle ensued, in which several geologists were +laid straight upon the _strata_, and were converted into secondary +deposits on the surface of the earth; when the lamplighter, coming by, +recognised the hard iron substance as the large main of the Equitable +Company. It became therefore necessary to relinquish any further +investigation on the spot originally chosen, and the matter was postponed +to another day, so that the great crustaceous and carboniferous question +remains exactly where it did, to the great injury of the harmony and good +feeling that has never yet prevailed, though it is hoped it some time or +other may prevail, among the inhabitants. + +But though public investigation of geological truth is for a time at a +stand-still, we are glad to be able to record the following remarkable +instance of private enterprise:-- + +A very active member of the association--the indefatigable Mr. +Grubemup--determined to leave no stone unturned for the purpose of making +observations, went out, attended by a single assistant, and made a +desperate attempt to turn the mile-stone in the Kensington-road, in the +hope of finding some geological facts at the bottom of it. After several +hours' labour before day-break, to avoid interruption from the police, he +succeeded in introducing the point of a pickaxe beneath the base of the +stone; and eventually he had the satisfaction of removing it from its +position, when he made the following geological observations:--He found a +primary deposit of dark soil, and, on putting his spectacles to his eyes, +he distinctly detected a common worm in a state of high salubrity. This +clearly proved to him that there must formerly have been a direct +communication between Hookham-cum-Snivey and the town of Kensington, for +the worm found beneath the milestone exactly resembled one now in the +Hookham-cum-Snivey Museum, and which is known as the _vermis communis_, or +earth-worm, and which has always excited considerable interest among the +various visitors. Mr. Grubemup, encouraged by this highly satisfactory +result, proceeded to scratch up with his thumb-nail a portion of the soil, +and his geological enterprise was speedily rewarded by a fossil of the +most interesting character. Upon close inspection it proved to be a highly +crystallised rat's-tail, from which the geologist inferred that there were +rats on the Kensington-road at a much earlier period than milestones. We +have not heard that the ingenious gentleman carried his examination +further, but in the present state of geology, any contribution to the +science, however small, will be thankfully received by the +knowledge-loving community. + + * * * * * + + +LAYS OF THE "BEAU MONDE." + +BY THE EDITOR OF THE MORNING POST. + + I saw at Lord George's _rout_, + Amid a blaze of _ton_; + And such a _tournure_ ne'er "came out" + For Maradon Carson! + For who that mark'd that sylph-like grace + That full Canova hip, + That robe of rich Chantilly lace, + That faultless satin slip, + Could doubt that she would be _the belle_ + To make a thousand waistcoats swell? + + I saw her seated by my lord, + As _joli comme un ange_; + She took some _pate perigord_. + And after that _blanc mange_: + A glass of Moyse's pink champagne + Lent lustre to _ses eux_. + And then--I heard a Grisian strain-- + It was her sweet _adieux_; + And I--my friend the butler sought, + To slake with stout each burning thought. + + * * * * * + + +METROPOLITAN IMPROVEMENTS. + +It is at length decided that Aldgate pump is to be painted, but the vestry +have not yet determined what the colour is to be. It is thought, to suit +the diversity of opinions in the parish cabinet, that it will be painted +in a harlequin pattern. + +It is seriously contemplated to attempt the removal of the ancient "Hot +Codlings" stand from the west-end of Temple Bar. The old woman who at +present occupies the premises is resolved to resist to the utmost so +unjust an aggression. + +The Corporation of the City of London have, in the most liberal manner, +given a plot of ground, eighteen by thirteen and a half-inches, for the +erection of a pickled whilks and pennywinkle establishment, at the corner +of Newgate-street and the Old Bailey. This will be a valuable boon to the +Blue-coat boys, and will tend to cause a brisk influx of loose coppers to +this hitherto much-neglected spot. + +The disgraceful state of the gutter-grating in Little Distaff-lane has, at +length, awakened the attention of the parish authorities. For several days +past it has been choked by an accumulation of rubbish, but we are now +enabled, on good authority, to state that the parish-beadle has been +directed to poke it with his staff, which it is hoped will have the effect +of removing the obstruction. + +The Commissioners of Woods and Forests have ordered plans and estimates to +be laid before them for the erection of a duck-house on the island of the +pond in St. James's Park. + +It has been decided that the exhibition of fancy paper on the boards of +the enclosure of Trafalgar-square is to continue open to the public till +further notice. + +By a recent Act of Parliament, foot passengers crossing Blackfriars-bridge +are allowed to walk on whichever side of it they like best. + + * * * * * + + +ERRATA IN THE "TIMES." + +For "Sir James Graham denied that he ever _changed_ his friends or his +principles," read "_hanged_ his friends or his principles." + +For "Lord John Russell said that he had strenuously endeavoured to keep +_pace_ with the march of Reform," read "keep _place_ with the march of +Reform." + +For "though Sir Robert Peel is the ostensible _head_, the Duke of +Wellington holds the _reins_ of the present administration," read "the +Duke of Wellington holds the _brains_ of the present administration." + +For "Colonel Sibthorp said he despised the man who suffered himself be +made the _tool_ of a party," read "the _fool_ of a party." + + * * * * * + + +THE PHYSIOLOGY OF THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT + +[Illustration: O]Our lively neighbours on the opposite side of the _Pas de +Calais_ (as they are pleased, in a spirit of patriotic appropriation, to +translate the Straits of Dovor), have lately shot off a flight of small +literary rockets about Paris, which have exploded joyously in every +direction, producing all sorts of fun and merriment, termed _Les +Physiologies_--a series of graphic sketches, embodying various every-day +types of characters moving in the French capital. In the same spirit we +beg to bring forward the following papers, with the hope that they will +meet with an equally favourable reception. + + +1. THE INTRODUCTORY DISCOURSE. + +We are about to discuss a subject as critical and important to take up as +the abdominal aorta; for should we offend the class we are about to +portray, there are fifteen hundred medical students, arrived this week in +London, ripe and ready to avenge themselves upon our devoted cranium, +which, although hardened throughout its ligneous formation by many blows, +would not be proof against their united efforts. And we scarcely know how +or where to begin. The instincts and different phases, under which this +interesting race appears, are so numerous, that far from complaining of +the paucity of materials we have to work upon, we are overwhelmed by +mental suggestions, and rapidly-dissolving views, of the various classes +from Guy's to the London University, from St. George's to the London +Hospital, perpetually crowding upon our brains (if we have any), and +rendering our ideas as completely muddled as those of a "new man" who has, +for the first week of October, attended every single lecture in the day, +from the commencement of chemistry, at nine in the morning, to the close +of surgery, at eight in the evening. Lecture! auspicious word! we have a +beginning prompted by the mere sound. We will address you, medical +students, according to the style you are most accustomed to. + +Gentlemen,--Your attention is to be this morning directed to an important +part of your course on physiology, which your various professors, at two +o'clock on Saturday afternoon, will separately tell you is derived from +two Greek words, so that we have no occasion to explain its meaning at +present. Magendie, Müller, Mayo, Millengen, and various other M's, have +written works upon physiology, affecting the human race generally; you are +now requested to listen to the demonstration of one species in +particular--the Medical Student of London. + +Lay aside your deeper studies, then, and turn for a while to our lighter +sketches; forget the globules of the blood in the contemplation of red +billiard balls; supplant the _tunica arachnoidea_ of the brain by a +gossamer hat--the _rete mucosum_ of the skin by a pea-jacket; the vital +fluid by a pot of half-and-half. Call into play the flexor muscles of your +arms with boxing-gloves and single-sticks; examine the secreting glands in +the shape of kidneys and sweetbreads; demonstrate other theories connected +with the human economy in an equally analogous and pleasant manner; lay +aside your crib Celsus and Steggall's Manual for our own more enticing +pages, and find your various habits therein reflected upon paper, with a +truth to nature only exceeded by the artificial man of the same material +in the Museum of King's College. Assume for a time all this joyousness. +PUNCH has entered as a pupil at a medical school (he is not at liberty to +say which), on purpose to note your propensities, and requests you for a +short period to look upon him as one of your own lot. His course will +commence next week, and "The New Man" will be the subject. + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + + +MICHAELMAS DAY + +Every one knows that about this time of the year geese are in their prime, +and are particularly good when stuffed with sage; which accounts for the +fact, that Sibthorp has made some sage remarks, so that he may not lose by +comparison with the "foolish birds," with whom he feels a natural +sympathy. + +We have never been able to discover the connexion between geese and +Michaelmas. There is a reason for associating ducks with Midsummer: we can +understand the meaning of poultry at Christmas, for _birds_ are +appropriate to a period when every one sends in _his bill_; but why poor +St. Michael should be so degradingly associated with a goose is beyond our +comprehension, and baffles our ingenuity. If St. Michael had been a +tailor, or an actor, or an author, we could have understood how _goose_ +might have applied to him; but as he was neither one nor the other, we +really are at a loss to conceive why a goose should have become so +intimately associated with his name and character. + +Among other curious incidents, it may be remarked that, with an +instinctive dread of _goose_, the redoubtable _Martinuzzi_ drew in his +horns, just on the eve of Michaelmas, and the _Syncretics_ have just shut +up shop in time to avoid the "_compliments of the season_" that they had +every right and every reason to anticipate would be bestowed, if not with +a "liberal hand," at least with "a lavish mouth," by their audience. + +It must be remembered by all the geese against whom PUNCH thinks proper to +indulge his wit, that at this season of the year they must expect to be +roasted. Upon the whole, however, we have a high respect for "the foolish +bird," and when it is remembered that the geese saved Rome, we do not +think we are wrong in suggesting the possibility of England being yet +saved by Lord Coventry, or any other cackler in either house of +Parliament. + + * * * * * + + +"LAND SHARKS AND SEA GULLS." + +Admiral Napier observed that "retired lawyers got better paid than retired +admirals." A gross injustice, as their vocations bear an extraordinary +similarity; par example--both are _attachés_ of the Fleet: in an action, +both know the necessity of being bailed out to prevent swamping. One +service is distinguished by its "davits," the other by its "affidavits;" +and they are mutually and equally admired for, and known by, their craft. +The only difference between them being, that the lawyer serves "two +masters"--the admiral, invariably, three masters. If the same remark +applies to the members of the army-list, as well as to those of the navy +and law, we must say that it is an extremely shabby method of + +[Illustration: "RELIEVING GUARD."] + + * * * * * + + +LIST OF OUTRAGES. + +The following list of outrages, recently perpetrated in the vicinity of a +notoriously bad house near Westminster Abbey, has not appeared in any of +the daily papers:-- + +LORD MELBOURNE--frightfully beaten, and turned out of his house by a gang +of Peelites. + +LORD JOHN RUSSELL--struck on the head by a large majority, and flung into +a quandary. + +LORD COTTENHAM--tripped up by a well-known member of the swell mob, and +robbed of his seals. + +MR. ROEBUCK--stripped and treated with barbarous inhumanity by a notorious +bruiser named the _Times_. The unfortunate gentleman lies to the present +moment _speechless_ from the injuries he has sustained. + +LORD NORMANBY--stabbed with some sharp instrument, supposed to be Lord +Stanley's tongue. + +LORD MORPETH--struck in the dark by an original idea, from the effects of +which he has not yet recovered. + + * * * * * + + +ROOT AND BRANCH. + +Roebuck, in complaining of the stigmas cast by the _Times_ upon his +pedigree, and vehemently insisting on the character of his family tree, +was kindly assisted by Tom Duncombe, who declared the genus indisputable, +as nobody could look in Roebuck's face without perceiving his family tree +must have been the "plane-tree." + + * * * * * + + +SONGS FOR THE SENTIMENTAL.--NO. 8. + + + You say I have forgot the vow + I breath'd in days long past; + But had I faithful been, that thou + Hadst loved me to the last. + _Without_ me, e'en a throne thou'dst scorn-- + _With_ me, contented beg! + False maid! 'tis not that I'm forsworn,-- + The boot's on t'other leg. + + Amidst the revel thou wast gay, + The blithest with the song! + Though thou believ'dst me far away, + An exile at Boulogne. + 'Twas then, and not till then, my heart + To love thee did refuse; + My vows became (false that thou art!)-- + Another pair of shoes! + + * * * * * + + +AFFAIRS IN CHINA. + +PRIVATE LETTER FROM A YOUNG OFFICER AT THE ENGLISH FACTORY, CANTON, TO HIS +BROTHER IN ENGLAND. + +DEAR TOM,--Everything is going on gloriously--the British arms are +triumphant--and we now only require the Emperor of China's consent to our +taking possession of his territory, which I am sorry to say there is at +present no likelihood of obtaining. However, there is little doubt, if we +be not all swept off by ague and cholera, that we shall be able to +maintain our present position a few months longer. Our situation here +would be very comfortable if we had anything to eat, except bad beef and +worse biscuit; these, however, are but trifling inconveniences; and though +we have no fresh meat, we have plenty of fish in the river. One of our men +caught a fine one the other day, which was bought and cooked for the +officers' mess, by which means we were all nearly destroyed--the fish +unfortunately happening to be of a poisonous nature; in consequence of +which a general order was issued the next day, forbidding the troops to +catch or eat any more fish. The country around the factory is beautiful; +but we deem it prudent to keep within the walls, as the Chinese are very +expert at picking up stragglers, whom they usually strangle. Beyond this +we cannot complain of our situation; fowls are extremely abundant, but I +have not seen any, the inhabitants having carried them up the country +along with their cattle and provisions of every description. The water +here is so brackish that it is almost impossible to drink it; there are, +however some wells of delicious water in the neighbourhood, which would be +a real treasure to us if the Chinese had not poisoned them. +Notwithstanding these unavoidable privations, the courage of our troops is +indomitable; a detachment of the ----th regiment succeeded last week in +taking possession of an island in the river, nearly half an acre in +extent; it has, however, since been deemed advisable to relinquish this +important conquest, owing to the muddy nature of the soil, into which +several of our brave fellows sank to the middle, and were with difficulty +extricated. A gallant affair took place a few days ago between two English +men-of-war's boats and a Chinese market junk, which was taken after a +resolute defence on the part of the Chinaman and his wife, who kept up a +vigorous fire of pumpkins and water-melons upon our boats, until their +supply was exhausted, when they were forced to surrender to British +valour. The captured junk has since been cut up for the use of the forces. +Though this unpleasant state of affairs has interrupted all formal +intercourse between the Chinese and English, Captain Elliot has given a +succession of balls to the occupants of a small mud fort near the shore, +which I fear they did not relish, as several of them appeared exceedingly +hurt, and removed with remarkable celerity out of reach of the Captain's +civilities. Thus, instead of opening the trade, this proceeding has only +served to open the breach. The Emperor, I hear, is enraged at our +successes, and has ordered the head and tail of the mandarin, Keshin, to +be sent in pickle to the imperial court at Pekin. A new mandarin has +arrived, who has presented a chop to Captain Elliott, but I hope, where +there is so much at stake, that he will not be put off with a chop. There +is no description of tea to be had in the market now but gunpowder, which, +by the last reports, is going off briskly. Our amusements are not very +numerous, being chiefly confined to yawning and sleeping; of this latter +recreation I must confess that we enjoy but little, owing to the +mosquitos, who are remarkably active and persevering in their attacks upon +us. But with the exception of these tormenting insects, and a rather +alarming variety of centipedes, scorpions, and spiders, we have no +venomous creatures to disturb us. The weather is extremely hot, and the +advantages of the river for bathing would be very great if it were not so +full of sharks. I have much more to relate of our present cheering +prospects and enviable situation, but a ship is on the point of sailing +for England, so must conclude in haste. + +Ever, dear Tom, yours, + +R.B. + + * * * * * + + +POACHED EGOTISM. + +The _Examiner_ observes, in speaking of the types of the new premier's +policy,--"The state, I am the state," said the most arrogant of French +monarchs. "The administration, I am the administration," would seem to say +Sir Robert Peel. In the speech explanatory of his views, which cannot be +likened to Wolsey's "_Ego et Rex meus_," because the importance of the +_ego_ is not impaired by any addition.--This literally amounts to a +conviction, on the part of the editor of the _Examiner_, that the +premier's expression is all in his "I." + + * * * * * + + +THE POLITICAL NATURALIST'S LIBRARY + +CONTENTS OF THE VOLUMES ALREADY PUBLISHED. + + +THE SUPER-NATURAL HISTORY OF-- + +"HUMMING" BIRDS.--With Memoir and Portraits of Peel, Stanley and Aberdeen. + +BIRDS OF THE "GAME" KIND.--Portrait and Memoir of Mr. Gully. + +FISHES OF THE "PERCH" GENUS.--Biographical notices of the late Ministry. + +RUMINATING ANIMALS, Vol. 1.--Contents: _Goats_, &c. Portrait of Mr. Muntz. + +RUMINATING ANIMALS, Vol. 2.--Contents: Deer, Antelopes, &c. Portrait of +Mr. Roebuck. + +MARSUPIALS, OR "POUCHED" ANIMALS.--With many _plates_. Portrait and Memoir +of Daniel O'Connell, Esq. + +BRITISH BUTTERFLIES.--Portrait and Memoir of Sir E. Lytton Bulwer. + +COMPLETION OF THE WORK.--Considerable progress has been making in the +concluding volume of the series. _Rats_, with portraits of Burdett, +Gibson, Wakley, _et genus omne_; but the subject is so vast that no +definite time can be fixed for its publication. + + * * * * * + + +A GREAT CARD. + +MR. WAKLEY begs to inform the Lords of the Treasury, the editor of the +_Times_, and the Master of the Mint, that ever anxious to rise in the +world, he has recently been induced to undertake the sweeping of +Conservative flues, and the performance of any dirty work which his Tory +patrons may deem him worthy to perform. Certain objections having been +made as to his qualifications for a climbing boy, Mr. W. pledges himself +to undergo any course of training, to enable him to get through the +business, and to remove any apprehension of his ever becoming + +[Illustration: A POTTED BLOATER.] + + * * * * * + + +THE POETICAL JUSTICE. + +SIR PETER LAURIE, in commenting upon the late case of false imprisonment, +where two young men had been unjustifiably handcuffed by the police, +delivered himself of the following exquisite piece of rhetoric:--"He did +not think it possible that such a case of abuse could pass unnoticed as +that he had just heard. The general conduct of the police was, he +believed, good; but the instances of arbitrary conduct and overbearing +demeanour _set to flight all the ancient examples brought forward to +enrich by contrast the serious parts of the glorious genius of +Shakspeare_." We never understood or imagined there was an Anacreon among +the aldermen, a Chaucer in the common council, or a Moliere at the +Mansion-house. We have now discovered the Peter Lauriate of the City--the +poet of the Poultry. Who, in the face of the above sentence, can deny his +right to these titles, if, like ourselves, they are + +[Illustration: OPEN TO CONVICTION!] + + * * * * * + + +THE EVIL MOST TO BE DREADED. + +A clergyman, lately preaching to a country congregation, used the +following persuasive arguments against the vice of swearing:--"Oh, my +brethren, avoid this practice, for it is a great sin, and, what is more, +it is _ungenteel_!" + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH'S THEATRE. + +WHAT WILL THE WORLD SAY? + +The family of the "Sponges" distributes itself over the entire face of +society--its members are familiar with almost every knocker, and with +nearly everybody's dinner-hour. They not unfrequently come in with the +eggs, and only go out with the last glass of negus. They seem to possess +the power of ubiquity; for, go where you will, your own especial sponge +(and everybody with more than two hundred a-year has one), is sure to +present himself. He is ready for anything, especially where eating, love, +duelling, or drinking, is concerned. To oblige you, he will breakfast at +supper-time, or sup at breakfast-time; he will drink any given quantity, +at any time, and will carry any number of declarations of love to any +number of ladies, or of challenges to whole armies of rivals: thus far he +is useful; for he is obliging, and will do anything--but pay. + +When he has absorbed all the moisture his victims are able to supply, he +may be seen walking about in moody solitude in the parks, where he sponges +upon the ducks, and owes for the use of the chairs. In this dry and +destitute condition, behold the sponge of the Covent-Garden +Comedy--_Captain Tarradiddle_. He is in St. James' Park; for, possessing +imaginary rather than substantial claims to military rank, he flits about +the Horse-Guards to keep up his character. A person is already upon the +stage, for whom you instinctively shudder--you perceive, at once, that he +is "in" for dinner, wine, theatre, and supper--you pity him; you see the +sponge, speciously, but surely, fasten himself upon his victim like a +vampire. _Mr. Pye Hilary_, being a barrister and a man of the world, +resigns himself, however, to his fate. As to shaking off his leech, he +knows that to be impossible; and he determines to make what use of him he +can. There is a fine opportunity, for _Mr. Pye Hilary_ is in love, in +despair, and in waiting: he expects his mistress's abigail; in negociating +with whom, he conceives _Tarradiddle_ will be a valuable assistant. _Mrs. +Tattle_ arrives. Preliminaries having been duly settled, articles +offensive and defensive are entered into, to carry out a plan by which the +lover shall gain an interview with the mistress; and the treaty is +ratified by a liberal donation, which the _Captain_ makes to the maid out +of his friend's purse. The servant is satisfied, and goes off in the +utmost agitation, for _Miss Mayley_ and her guardian are coming; and she +dreads being caught in the fact of bribery. _Mr. Hilary_ trembles; so does +the young lady, when she appears; and the agitation of all parties is only +put an end to by the fall of the act-drop. + +If any class of her Majesty's subjects are more miserable than another, it +is that of gentlemen's servants. One of these oppressed persons is +revealed to us in the next act. Poor fellow! he has nothing to do but to +sit in the hall, and nothing to amuse him but the newspaper. But his +misfortunes do not end here: as if to add insult to injury, the family +governess presumes to upbraid him, and actually insists upon his taking a +letter to the post. _Mr. Nibble_ declines performing so undignified a +service, in the most footman-like terms; but unfortunately, as it +generally happens, in families where there are pretty governesses and +gallant sons, _Miss de Vere_ has a protector in the _Hon. Charles +Norwold_, who overhears her unreasonable demand, and with a degree of +injustice enough to make the entire livery of London rave with +indignation, inflicts upon his father's especial livery, and _Nibble's_ +illustrious person, a severe caning. The consequence of this "strike" is, +that _Nibble_ gives warning, _Lord_ and _Lady Norwold_ are paralysed at +this important resignation; for by it they discover that a secret +coalition has taken place between their son and the governess--they are +man and wife! Good heavens! the heir of all the Norwolds marry a teacher, +who has nothing to recommend her but virtue, talent, and beauty! +Monstrous!--"What will the world say?" + +The treaty formed between _Mistress Tattle_ and _Mr. Pye Hilary_ is in the +next act being acted upon. We behold _Captain Tarradiddle_, as one of the +high contracting parties' ambassador, taking lodgings in a house exactly +opposite to that in which _Miss Mayley_ resides. Of course nothing so +natural as that the Captain should indulge his friend with a visit for a +few days, or, if possible, for a few weeks. It is also natural that the +host, under the circumstances, should wish to know something of the birth, +parentage, and education of his guest, of which, though an old +acquaintance; he is, as yet, entirely ignorant. Now, if it be possible to +affront a real sponge (but there is nothing more difficult), such +inquiries are likely to produce that happy consummation. _Tarradiddle_, +however, gets over the difficulty with the tact peculiar to his class, and +is fortunately interrupted by the announcement that _Tattle_ is in the +parlour, duly keeping her agreement, by bringing her mistress's favourite +canary, which, having flown away quite by accident, under her guidance, +has chosen to perch in _Hilary's_ new lodging, on purpose to give him the +opportunity of returning it, and of obtaining an interview with _Miss +Mayley_. The expedient succeeds in the next scene; the lover bows and +stammers--as lovers do at first interviews--the lady is polite but +dignified, and _Tarradiddle_, who has been angling for an invitation, has +his hopes entirely put to flight by the entrance of the lady's guardian, +_Mr. Warner_, who very promptly cuts matters short by ringing the bell and +saying "Good evening," in that tone of voice which always intimates a +desire for a good riddance. This hint is too broad ever to be mistaken; so +the sponge and his victim back out. + +_Mr. Warner_ is a merchant, and all merchants in plays are the "noblest +characters the world can boast," and very rich. Thus it has happened that +_Warner_ has, through a money-agent, one _Grub_, been enabled to lend, at +various times, large sums of money, to _Lady Norwold_--her ladyship being +one of those who, dreading "what will the world say?" is by no means an +economist, and prefers "ruin to retrenchment." As security for these +loans, the lady deposits her jewels, suite by suite, till the great object +of all _Warner's_ advances gets into his possession--namely, a bracelet, +which is a revered relic of the Norwold family. So far _Warner_, in spite +of a troublesome ward, and his late visitors, is happy; but he soon +receives a letter, which puts his happiness to flight. His daughter, who +has been on a visit in Paris, became, he now learns, united some months +before, to _Charles Norwold_, and a governess in his father's family. By +further inquiries, he learns that the son is discarded, and is, with his +wife, consigned to beggary, for fear of--"what will the world say?" + +The fourth act exhibits one of the scenes of human life hitherto veiled +from the eyes of the most prying--a genuine specimen of the sponge +species--at home! Actually living under a roof that he calls his own; in +company with a wife who is certainly nobody else's. She is +ironing--_Tarradiddle_ is smoking, and, like all smokers, philosophising. +Here we learn the _Honourable Charles Norwold_ and his wife have taken +lodgings; hither they are pursued by _Hilary_, who has managed to +ingratiate himself with _Warner_, and undertaken to trace the merchant's +lost daughter; here, to _Pye's_ astonishment, he finds his friend and +sponge. Some banter ensues, not always agreeable to the Captain, but all +ends very pleasantly by the entrance of _Warner_, who discovers his +daughter, and becomes a father-in-law with a good grace. + +The denouement is soon told:--_Warner_, having received his daughter and +her husband, gives a party at which _Lady_, and afterwards _Lord Norwold_, +are present. Here Warner's anxiety to obtain the bracelet is explained. He +reminds his lordship that he once accused his elder brother of stealing +that very bauble; and the consequence was, that the accused disappeared, +and was never after heard of. _Warner_ avows himself to be that brother, +but declines disturbing the rights or property of his lordship, if he will +again receive his son. This is, of course, done. _Hilary_ jokes himself +into _Miss Mayley's_ good graces, and _Tarradiddle_, in all the glories of +a brown coat, and an outrageously fine waistcoat, enters to make the scene +complete, and to help to speak the tag, in which all the characters have a +hand; Mrs. Glover ending by making a propitiatory appeal to the audience +in favour of the author, who ought to be very grateful to her for the +captivating tones in which she asked for an affirmative answer to the +question-- + + "What will the world say?" + +Circumstances prevent us from giving any opinion whatever, except upon the +scenery, the appointments, and the acting. The first is beautiful--the +second appropriate and splendid--the last natural, pointed, and in good +taste. + + * * * * * + + +SIBTHORPIANA. + +A clergyman was explaining to the gallant officer the meaning of the +phrase "born again;" but it was quite unintelligible to Sib., who remarked +that he knew no one who could _bear_ him even once. + +"Do you read the notice to correspondents in PUNCH?" quoth Sib.--"I do," +replied Hardinge, "and I wonder people should send them such +trash."--"Pooh!" retorted the punster--"Pooh! you know that wherever PUNCH +is to be found, there are always plenty of _spoons_ after it." + +"It's a wonder you're not drunk," said Sibthorp to Wieland--"a great +wonder, because--do you give it up?--Because you're _a tumbler full of +spirits_." + + * * * * * + + +CURIOUS AMBIGUITY. + +The correspondent of a London paper, writing from Sunderland respecting +the report that Lord Howick had been fired at by some ruffian, says, with +great _naļveté_, "a gun was certainly pointed at his lordship's head, but +it is generally believed there was nothing in it."--We confess we are at a +loss to know whether the facetious writer alludes to the _gun_ or the +_head_. + + * * * * * + + +THE THORNY PREMIER. + +A Tory evening paper tells its readers that Sir Robert Peel expects a +harassing opposition from the late ministry, but that he is prepared for +them on _all points_. This reminds us of the defensive expedient of the +hedgehog, which, conscious of its weakness, rolls itself into a ball, to +be prepared for its assailants on _all points_. + + * * * * * + + +TO PROFESSORS OF LANGUAGES WHO GIVE LONG CREDIT AND TAKE SMALL PAY. + +Mister F. &c. &c. &c. Bayley is anxious to treat for a course of lessons +in the purest Irish. None but such as will conceal a West Indian patois +will be of the slightest use. For particulars, and cards to view, apply to +Mr. Catnach, Music and Marble Warehouse, Seven-dials. + + * * * * * + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +1, October 2, 1841, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14930-8.txt or 14930-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/9/3/14930/ + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG +Online Distributed Proofreading + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, October 2, 1841 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14930] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG +Online Distributed Proofreading + + + + + + +</pre> + +<h1>PUNCH,<br /> +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> +<h2>VOL. 1.</h2> +<hr class="full" /> +<h2>OCTOBER 2, 1841.</h2> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page133" name="page133"></a>[pg +133]</span> +<h2>THE TIPTOES.</h2> +<h3>A SKETCH.</h3> +<div class="note"> +<p>"The Wrongheads have been a considerable family ever since +England was England."</p> +<p class="rgt">VANBRUGH.</p> +</div> +<div class="dropcap"><a href="images/012-01.png"><img src= +"images/012-01.png" alt="Two women on stilts for a letter M." id= +"img012-01" name="img012-01" width="100%" /></a></div> +<p><span class="hide">M</span>orning and evening, from every +village within three or four miles of the metropolis, may be +remarked a tide of young men wending diurnal way to and from their +respective desks and counters in the city, preceded by a ripple of +errand-boys, and light porters, and followed by an ebb of plethoric +elderly gentlemen in drab gaiters. Now these individuals +compose—for the most part—that particular, yet +indefinite class of people, who call themselves +“gentlemen,” and are called by everybody else +“persons.” They are a body—the advanced +guard—of the “Tiptoes;” an army which invaded us +some thirty years ago, and which, since that time, has been +actively and perseveringly spoiling and desolating our modest, +quiet, comfortable English homes, turning our parlours into +“boudoirs,” ripping our fragrant patches of roses into +fantastic “parterres,” covering our centre tables with +albums and wax flowers, and, in short (for these details pain us), +stripping our nooks and corners of the welcome warm air of pleasant +homeliness, which was wont to be a charm and a privilege, to +substitute for it a chilly gloss—an unwholesome straining +after effect—a something less definite in its operation than +in its result, which is called—gentility.</p> +<p>To have done with simile. Our matrons have discovered that +luxury is specifically cheaper than comfort (and they regard them +as independent, if not incompatible terms); and more than this, +that comfort is, after all, but an irrelevant and dispensable +corollary to gentility, while luxury is its main prop and stay. +Furthermore, that improvidence is a virtue of such lustre, that +itself or its likeness is essential to the very existence of +respectability; and, by carrying out this proposition, that in +order to make the least amount of extravagance produce the utmost +admiration and envy, it is desirable to be improvident as publicly +as possible; the means for such expenditure being gleaned from +retrenchments in the home department. Thus, by a system of domestic +alchemy, the education of the children is resolved into a vehicle; +a couple of maids are amalgamated into a man in livery; while to a +single drudge, superintended and aided by the mistress and elder +girls, is confided the economy of the pantry, from whose meagre +shelves are supplied supplementary blondes and kalydors.</p> +<p>Now a system of economy which can induce a mother to +“bring up her children at home,” while she regards a +phaeton as absolutely necessary to convey her to church and to her +tradespeople, and an annual visit to the sea-side as perfectly +indispensable to restore the faded complexions of Frances and +Jemima, ruined by late hours and hot cream, may be considered open +to censure by the philosopher who places women (and girls, +<em>i.e.</em> unmarried women) in the rank of responsible or even +rational creatures. But in this disposition he would be clearly +wrong. Before venturing to define the precise capacity of either an +individual or a class, their own opinion on the subject should +assuredly be consulted; and we are quite sure that there is not one +of the lady Tiptoes who would not recoil with horror from the +suspicion of advancing or even of entertaining an idea—it +having been ascertained that everything original (sin and all) is +quite inconformable with the feminine character—unless indeed +it be a method of finding the third side of a turned silk—or +of defining that zero of fortune, to stand below which constitutes +a “detrimental.”</p> +<p>The Misses Tiptoe are an indefinite number of young ladies, of +whom it is commonly remarked that some may have been pretty, and +others may, hereafter, be pretty. But they never <em>are</em> so; +and, consequently, they are very fearful of being eclipsed by their +dependents, and take care to engage only ill-favoured governesses, +and (but ‘tis an old pun) very plain cooks. The great +business of their lives is fascination, and in its pursuit they are +unremitting. It is divided in distinct departments, among the +sisters; each of whom is characterised at home by some laudatory +epithet, strikingly illustrative of what they would like to be. +There is Miss Tiptoe, such an amiable girl! that is, she has a +large mouth, and a Mallan in the middle of it. There is Jemima, +“who enjoys such delicate health “—<em>that</em> +is, she has no bust, and wears a scarf. Then there is Grace, who is +all for evening rambles, and the “Pilgrim of Love;” and +Fanny, who can <em>not</em> help talking; and whom, in its turn, +talking certainly cannot help. They are remarkable for doing a +little of everything at all times. Whether it be designing on +worsted or on bachelors—whether concerting overtures musical +or matrimonial; the same pretty development of the shoulder through +that troublesome scarf—the same hasty confusion in drawing it +on again, and referring to the watch to see what time it +is—displays the mind ever intent on the great object of their +career. But they seldom marry (unless, in desperation, their +cousins), for they despise the rank which they affect to have +quitted—and no man of sense ever loved a Tiptoe. So they +continue at home until the house is broken up; and then they retire +in a galaxy to some provincial Belle Vue-terrace or Prospect-place; +where they endeavour to forestall the bachelors with promiscuous +orange-blossoms and maidenly susceptibilities. We have +characterised these heart-burning efforts after +“station,” as originating with, and maintained by, the +female branches of the family; and they are so—but, +nevertheless, their influence on the young men is no less +destructive than certain. It is a fact, that, the more restraint +that is inflicted on these individuals in the gilded drawing-room +at home, the more do they crave after the unshackled enjoyment of +their animal vulgarity abroad. Their principal characteristics are +a love of large plaids, and a choice vocabulary of popular +idiomatic forms of speech; and these will sufficiently define them +in the saloons of the theatres and in the cigar divans. But they +are not ever thus. By no means. At home (which does not naturally +indicate their own house), having donned their “other +waistcoat” and their pin (emblematic of a blue hand grasping +an egg, or of a butterfly poised on a wheel)—pop! they are +<em>gentlemen</em>. With the hebdomadal sovereign straggling in the +extreme verge of their pockets—with the afternoon rebuke of +the “principal,” or peradventure of some senior clerk, +still echoing in their ears—they are GENTLEMEN. They are +desired to be such by their mother and sisters, and so they talk +about cool hundreds—and the points of horses—and (on +the strength of the dramatic criticisms in the <em>Satirist</em>) +of Grisi in <em>Norma</em>, and Persiani in <em>La +Sonnambula</em>—of Taglioni and Cerito—of last season +and the season before that.</p> +<p>We know not how far the readers of PUNCH may be inclined to +approve so prosy an article as this in their pet periodical; but we +have ventured to appeal to them (as the most sensible people in the +country) against a class of shallow empirics, who have managed to +glide unchidden into our homes and our families, to chill the one +and to estrange the other. Surely, surely, we were unworthy of our +descent, could we see unmoved our lovely English girls, whose +modesty was wont to be equalled only by their beauty, concentrating +all their desires and their energies on a good match; or our +reverend English matrons, the pride and honour of the land, +employing themselves in the manufacture of fish-bone blanc-mange +and mucilaginous tipsy-cakes; or our young Englishmen, our hope and +our resource, spending themselves in the debasing contamination of +cigars and alcohol.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>CONDENSED PARLIAMENTARY REPORT ON THE MISCELLANEOUS +ESTIMATES.</h3> +<p class="rgt">Vide <em>Examiner</em>.</p> +<ul> +<li>MR. WILLIAMS—objected—</li> +<li>SIR T. WILDE—vindicated—</li> +<li>SIR R. PEEL—doubted—</li> +<li>MR. PLUMPTRE—opposed—</li> +<li>MR. VILLIERS—requested—</li> +<li>MR. EWART—moved—</li> +<li>MR. EASTCOURT—thought—</li> +<li>MR. FERRAND—complained—</li> +<li>LORD JOHN RUSSELL—wished—</li> +<li>MR. AGLIONBY—was of opinion—</li> +<li>MR. STEWART WORTLEY—hoped—</li> +<li>MR. WAKLEY—thought—</li> +<li>MR. RICE—urged—</li> +<li>MR. FIELDEN—regretted—</li> +<li>MR. WARD—was convinced—</li> +</ul> +<hr /> +<h3>TAKING THE HODDS.</h3> +<p>On a recent visit of Lord Waterford to the “Holy +Land,” then to sojourn in the hostel or caravansera of the +protecting <em>Banks</em> of that classic ground, that interesting +young nobleman adopted, as the seat of his precedency, a Brobdignag +hod, the private property of some descendant from one of the +defunct kings of Ulster; at the close of an eloquent harangue; his +lordship expressed an earnest wish that he should be able to +continue</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/012-02.png"><img src= +"images/012-02.png" alt= +"One man carries another on some sort of stick." id="img012-02" +name="img012-02" width="30%" /></a> +<p>GOING IT LIKE BRICKS—</p> +</div> +<p>a hope instantly gratified by the stalwart proprietor, who, +wildly exclaiming, “Sit aisy!” hoisted the lordly +burden on his shoulders, and gave him the full benefit of a +shilling fare in that most unusual vehicle.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>Q.E.D.</h3> +<p>“SIR ROBERT PEEL thinks a great deal of himself,” +says the <em>British Critic</em>. “Yes,” asserts PUNCH, +“he is just the man to trouble himself about +trifles.”</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page134" name="page134"></a>[pg +134]</span> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/012-03.png"><img src= +"images/012-03.png" alt="A god throws 'Leader' bolts at three men." +id="img012-03" name="img012-03" width="100%" /></a></div> +<h2>ROEBUCK DEFYING THE “THUNDERER.”</h2> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Roebuck was seated in his great arm chair,</p> +<p class="i6">Looking as senatorial and wise</p> +<p class="i6">As a calf’s head, when taken in surprise;</p> +<p class="i2">A half-munch’d muffin did his fingers +bear—</p> +<p class="i2">An empty egg-shell proved his meal nigh +o’er.</p> +<p class="i2">When, lo! there came a tapping at the door:</p> +<p class="i6">“Come in!” he cried,</p> +<p class="i6">And in another minute by his side</p> +<p class="i2">Stood John the footboy, with the morning paper,</p> +<p class="i2">Wet from the press. O’er Roebuck’s +cheek</p> +<p class="i4">There passed a momentary gleam of joy,</p> +<p class="i2">Which spoke, as plainly as a smile could speak,</p> +<p class="i4">“Your master’s speech is in that paper, +boy.”</p> +<p class="i2">He waved his hand—the footboy left the +room—</p> +<p class="i2">Roebuck pour’d out a cup of Hyson bloom;</p> +<p class="i2">And, having sipp’d the tea and sniff’d +the vapour,</p> +<p class="i2">Spread out the “Thunderer” before his +eyes—</p> +<p class="i2">When, to his great surprise,</p> +<p class="i2">He saw imprinted there, in black and white,</p> +<p class="i4">That he, THE ROE-buck—HE, whom all men +knew,</p> +<p class="i2">Had been expressly born to set worlds +right—</p> +<p class="i4">That HE was nothing but a <em>parvenu</em>.</p> +<p class="i2">Jove! was it possible they lack’d the knowledge +he</p> +<p class="i2">Boasted a literary and scientific genealogy!</p> +<p class="i2">That he had had some ancestors before him—</p> +<p class="i2">(Beside the Pa who wed the Ma who bore +him)—</p> +<p class="i2">Men whom the world had slighted, it is true,</p> +<p class="i6">Because it never knew</p> +<p class="i2">The greatness of the genius which had lain,</p> +<p class="i2">Like unwrought ore, within each vasty brain;</p> +<p class="i2">And as a prejudice exists that those</p> +<p class="i2">Who never do disclose</p> +<p class="i2">The knowledge that they boast of, seldom have +any,</p> +<p class="i2">Each of his learned ancestors had died,</p> +<p class="i2">By an ungrateful world belied,</p> +<p class="i2">And dubb’d a Zany.</p> +<p class="i6">That HE should be</p> +<p class="i6">Denied a pedigree!</p> +<p class="i2">Appeared so monstrous in this land of freedom,</p> +<p class="i2">He instantly conceived the notion</p> +<p class="i2">To go down to the House and make a motion,</p> +<p class="i2">That all men had a right to those who breed +‘em.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p class="i2">Behold him in his seat, his face carnation,</p> +<p class="i2">Just like an ace of hearts,</p> +<p class="i2">Not red and white in parts,</p> +<p class="i2">But one complete illumination.</p> +<p class="i2">He rises--members blow their noses,</p> +<p class="i2">And cough and hem! till one supposes,</p> +<p class="i2">A general catarrh prevails from want of +ventilation.</p> +<p>He speaks:—</p> +<p class="i2">Mr. Speaker, Sir, in me you see</p> +<p class="i2">A member of this house (<em>hear, hear</em>),</p> +<p class="i2">With whose proud pedigree</p> +<p class="i2">The “Thunderer” has dared to +interfere.</p> +<p class="i2">Now I implore,</p> +<p class="i2">That Lawson may be brought upon the floor,</p> +<p class="i2">And beg my pardon on his bended knees.</p> +<p class="i2">In whatsoever terms I please.</p> +<p class="i6"><em>(Oh! oh!)</em></p> +<p class="i6"><em>(No! no!)</em></p> +<p class="i6">I, too, propose,</p> +<p class="i6">To pull his nose:</p> +<p class="i2">No matter if the law objects or not;</p> +<p class="i2">And if the printer’s nose cannot be got,</p> +<p class="i4">The small proboscis of the printer’s devil</p> +<p class="i4">Shall serve my turn for language so uncivil!</p> +<p class="i8">The “Thunderer” I defy,</p> +<p class="i8">And its vile lie.</p> +<p class="i4">(As Ajax did the lightning flash of yore.)</p> +<p class="i4">I likewise move this House requires—</p> +<p class="i4">No, that’s too complimentary—desires,</p> +<p class="i4">That Mr. Lawson’s brought upon the floor.</p> +<p class="i8">The thing was done:</p> +<p class="i4">The house divided, and the Ayes were—ONE!</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>EXPRESS FROM WINDSOR.</h3> +<p>Last evening a most diabolical, and, it is to be regretted +successful, attempt, was made to kiss the Princess Royal. It +appears that the Royal Babe was taking an airing in the park, +reclining in the arms of her principal nurse, and accompanied by +several ladies of the court, who were amusing the noble infant by +playing rattles, when a man of ferocious appearance emerged from +behind some trees, walked deliberately up to the noble group, +placed his hands on the nurse, and bent his head over the Princess. +The Honourable Miss Stanley, guessing the ruffian’s +intention, earnestly implored him to kiss her instead, in which +request she was backed by all the ladies +present.<sup>1</sup><span class="sidenote">1. This circumstance +alone must at once convince every unprejudiced person of the utter +falsity of the reports (promulgated by certain interested parties) +of the disloyalty of the Tory ladies, when we see several dames +placed in the most imminent danger, yet possessing sufficient +presence of mind to offer <em>lip-service</em> to their +sovereign.—EDITOR. <em>Morn. Post</em>.</span> He was not, +however, to be frustrated in the attempt, which no sooner had he +accomplished, than he hurried off amidst the suppressed screams of +the ladies. The Royal Infant was immediately carried to the palace, +where her heart-rending cries attracted the attention of her +Majesty, who, on hurrying to the child, and hearing the painful +narration, would, in the burst of her maternal affection, have +kissed the infant, had not Sir J. Clarke, who was fortunately +present, prevented her so doing.</p> +<p>Dr. Locock was sent for from town, who, immediately on his +arrival at Windsor, held a conference with Sir J. Clarke, and a +basin of pap was prepared by them, which being administered to the +Royal Infant, produced the most satisfactory results.</p> +<p>We are prohibited from stating the measures taken for the +detection of the ruffian, lest their disclosure should frustrate +the ends of justice.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>A ROYAL DUCK.</h3> +<p>His Royal Highness Prince Albert, during the sojourn of the +Court at Windsor Castle, became, by constant practice in the +Thames, so expert a swimmer, that, with the help of a cork jacket, +he could, like Jones of the celebrated firm of “Brown, Jones, +and Robinson,” swim “anywhere over the river.” +Her Majesty, however, with true conjugal regard for the safety of +the royal duck, never permitted him to venture into the water +without</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/012-04.png"><img src= +"images/012-04.png" alt= +"A youth is plunged into a river by two women." id="img012-04" +name="img012-04" width="50%" /></a> +<p>A COMPANION OF THE BATH.</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>HIGH LIFE BELOW STAIRS.</h3> +<p>Michelly, of the <em>Morning Post</em>, was boasting to +Westmacott of his intimate connexion with the aristocracy. +“The <em>area</em>-stocracy, more likely,” replied the +ex-editor of the <em>Argus</em>.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page135" name="page135"></a>[pg +135]</span> +<h2>GREAT ANNUAL MICHAELMAS JUBILEE.</h2> +<h3>MAGNIFICENT CELEBRATION OF GOOSE-DAY.</h3> +<p>How often are we—George Stephens-like—to be called +upon to expend our invaluable breath in performing Eolian +operations upon our own cornopean! Here have we, at an enormous +expense and paralysing peril, been obliged to dispatch our most +trusty and well-beloved reporter, to the fens in Lincolnshire, +stuffed with brandy, swathed in flannel, and crammed with jokes; +from whence he, at the cost of infinite pounds, unnumbered +rheumatisms, and a couple of agues, caught, to speak vulgarly, +“in a brace of shakes,” has forwarded us the following +authentic account of the august proceedings which took place in +that county on the anniversary of the great St. Michaelmas.</p> +<h4>FROM OUR OWN CORRESPONDENT.</h4> +<p><em>Tuesday night</em>.—Depths of the fens—just +arrived—only time to state all muck—live eels and +festivity—Sibthorp in extra force—betting 6 to 4 +“he cooks everybody’s goose”—no +takers—D’Israeli says it’s a gross want of +sympathy—full account to-morrow—expect rare +doings—must conclude—whrr-rh-h—tertian coming +on—promises great shakes.</p> +<p class="cen">I am, sincerely and shiveringly,</p> +<p class="rgt">YOUR OWN CORRESPONDENT.</p> +<p><em>Wednesday morning</em>.—The day dawned like a second +deluge, and the various volunteer <em>dramatis personæ</em> +seemed like the spectres of the defunct water-dogs of +Sadler’s Wells. An eminent tallow-chandler from the east end +of Whitechapel contracted for the dripping, and report says he +found it a very swimming speculation. Life-preservers, waterproof +and washable hats, were on the ground, which, together with +Macintoshes and corks, formed a pleasing and varied group. The +grand stand was graced by several eminent and capacious geese; nor +was the infantine simplicity of numerous promising young goslings +wanting to complete the delightful <em>ensemble</em>.</p> +<p>The business of the day commenced with a grand commemorative +procession of homage to the prize goose, the representative of +whom, we are proud to say, fell by election to the envied lot of +the gallant, jocose, and <em>Joe Miller</em>tary Colonel +Sibthorp.</p> +<h4>ORDER OF PROCESSION.</h4> +<p class="cen">Trumpeter in Ordinary to “all the +geese,” and</p> +<p class="cen">himself in particular,</p> +<p class="cen">On his extraordinary Pegasus, beautifully +represented by a Jackass,</p> +<p class="cen">Idealised with magnificent goose’s wings.</p> +<p class="cen">Mr. GEORGE STEPHENS, Grand Master of +Hanky-panky.</p> +<p class="cen">Balancing on the Pons Asinorum of his Nose the +Identical goose-quill</p> +<p class="cen">with which he indited the Wondrous Tale of +Alroy,</p> +<p class="cen">Mr. BEN D’ISRAELI (much admired).</p> +<p class="cen">The great Stuffer and Crammer, bearing a stupendous +dish</p> +<p class="cen">Of Sage and Onions,</p> +<p class="cen">Seated in a magnificent Sauce-boat, supported on +either side by</p> +<p class="cen">Two fly pages bearing Apple-sauce,</p> +<p class="cen">And a train-bearer distributing mustard,</p> +<p class="cen">SIR EDWARD GEORGE ERLE LYTTON BULWER.</p> +<p class="cen">Grand Officiating Gravy Spoon,</p> +<p class="cen">A character admirably sustained, and</p> +<p class="cen">supported to the life, by</p> +<p class="cen">PETER BORTHWICK, M.P. and G.O.G.S.</p> +<p class="cen">Drawer and Carver-in-Chief,</p> +<p class="cen">Bearing some splendidly-dissected giblets, with gilt +gizzard under his</p> +<p class="cen">right arm, and plated liver under his left,</p> +<p class="cen">Surgeon WAKLEY, M.P.</p> +<p class="cen">Hereditary Champion of the Pope’s Nose,</p> +<p class="cen">Bearing the dismembered Relic enclosed in a +beautifully-enamelled</p> +<p class="cen">Dutch oven,</p> +<p class="cen">DANIEL O’CONNELL, M.P.</p> +<p class="cen">The grand Prize Goose,</p> +<p class="cen">Reclining on a splendid willow-pattern well +dish,</p> +<p class="cen">Colonel WALDO SIBTHORP!</p> +<p class="cen">Supported by CHARLES PEARSON, and Sir PETER +LAURIE,</p> +<p class="cen">With flowery potatoes and shocking greens.</p> +<p class="cen">Grand Accountant-General,</p> +<p class="cen">With a magnificent banner, bearing an elaborate +average rate of the price</p> +<p class="cen"><em>of geese</em>.</p> +<p class="cen">And the cheapest depôts for the same,</p> +<p class="cen">JOSEPH HUME, M.P.</p> +<p>This imposing procession having reached the grand kitchen, which +had been erected for the occasion, the festivities instantly +commenced by the Vice-Goose, Sir EDWARD LYTTON ERLE BULWER, +proposing the health of the gallant Chairman, the Great-grand +Goose:—</p> +<p>“Mr. Chairman and prize goose,—The feelings which +now agitate my sensorium on this Michaelmasian occasion stimulate +the vibratetiuncles of the heartiean hypothesis, so as to paralyse +the oracular and articulative apparatus of my loquacious +confirmation, overwhelming my soul-fraught imagination, as the +boiling streams of liquid lava, buried in one vast cinereous +mausoleum—the palace-crowded city of the engulphed Pompeii. +(<em>Immense cheers</em>.)—I therefore propose a Methusalemic +elongation of the duration of the vital principle of the presiding +anserian paragon.” (<em>Stentorian applause, continued for +half-an-hour after the rising of the Prize Goose</em>) who +said—</p> +<p>“Fellow Geese and Goslings,—Julius Cæsar, when +he laid the first stone of the rock of Gibraltar—Mr. +Carstairs, the celebrated caligrapher, when he indited the +inscription on the Rosetta stone—Cleopatra, when she hemmed +Anthony’s bandanna with her celebrated needle—the +Colossus of Rhodes, when he walked and won his celebrated match +against Captain Barclay—Galileo, when he discovered and +taught his grandmother the mode of sucking eggs—could not +feel prouder than I do upon the present occasion. +(<em>Cheers</em>.) These reminiscences, I can assure you, will ever +stick in my grateful gizzard.”</p> +<p>Here the gallant Colonel sat down, overcome by his feelings and +several glasses of Betts’ best British brandy.</p> +<p>Song—“Goosey, goosey gander.”</p> +<p>Mr. D’ISRAELI then rose, and said,—“Chair, and +brethren of the quill, I feel, in assuming the perpendicular, like +the sun when sinking into his emerald bed of western waters. +Overcome by emotions mighty as the impalpable beams of the +harmonious moon’s declining light, and forcibly impressed as +the trembling oak, girt with the invisible arms of the gentle +loving zephyr; the blush mantles on my cheek, deep as the +unfathomed depths of the azure ocean. I say, gentlemen, impressed +as I am with a sense—with a sense, I say, with a +sense—” Here the hon. gentleman sat down for want of a +termination.</p> +<p>Song—“No more shall the children of Judah +sing.”</p> +<p>Mr. PETER BORTHWICK (having corked himself a handsome pair of +mustachios), next rose, and said,—“Most potent, grave, +and reverend signors, and Mr. Chairman,—if it were done, when +‘tis done, then ‘twere well it were done +quickly’—in rising to drink—‘my custom +always of an afternoon’—the health of Sir Peter Laurie, +and whom I can ask, in the language of the immortal bard, +‘where gottest thou that goose look,’ I can only say, +‘had Heaven made me such another,’ I would +not”— Then Peter Borthwick sat down, evidently +indisposed, exclaiming—“The drink, Hamlet, the +drink!!!”</p> +<p>Here our reporter left the meeting, who were vociferously +chanting, by way of grace, previous to the attack on the +“roast geese,” the characteristic anthem of the +“King of the Cannibal Islands.”</p> +<hr /> +<h3>DYER IGNORANCE.</h3> +<p>It has been rumoured that Mr. Bernal, the new member, has been +for some weeks past suffering from a severe attack of scarlet +fever, caused by his late unparliamentary conduct in addressing the +assembled legislators as—gentlemen. We are credibly informed +that this unprecedented piece of ignorance has had the effect, as +Shakspere says, of</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/012-05.png"><img src= +"images/012-05.png" alt="A man gets money from a chubby soldier." +id="img012-05" name="img012-05" width="50%" /></a> +<p>“MAKING THE GREEN ONE +RED.”—<em>Macbeth</em>.</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>MAKING A COMPOSITION WITH ONE’S ANCESTORS.</h3> +<p>Roebuck, the ex-attorney, and member for Bath, who has evinced a +most commendable love of his parents, from his great-grandfather +upwards, seeing the utter impossibility of carrying through the +“whole hog” conviction of their respectability, and +finding himself in rather an awkward “fix,” on the +present occasion begs to inform the editor of the <em>Times</em>, +that he will be most happy to accept a compromise, on their +literary and scientific attainments, at the very reasonable rate +of</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/012-06.png"><img src= +"images/012-06.png" alt="A man sits in a chicken coop." id= +"img012-06" name="img012-06" width="60%" /></a> +<p>SIX-AND-EIGHTPENCE IN THE POUND.</p> +</div> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page136" name="page136"></a>[pg +136]</span> +<h2>PUNCH’S HISTRIONIC READINGS IN HISTORY.</h2> +<h3>NO. 1.—ENGLAND.</h3> +<p>Of the early history of England nothing is known. It was, +however, invaded by the <em>Normans</em>; but whether they were any +relations of the once celebrated <em>Norman</em> the pantaloon, we +have no authentic record. The kingdom had at one time seven +kings—two of whom were probably the two well-known kings of +Brentford. Perhaps, also, the king of Little Britain made a third; +while old king Cole may have constituted a fourth; thus leaving +only a trifling balance of three to be accounted for.</p> +<p>Alfred the Great is supposed to have been originally a baker, +from his having undertaken the task of watching the cakes in the +neat-herd’s oven; and Edward the Black Prince was probably a +West Indian, who found his way to our hospitable shores at an early +period.</p> +<p>We now come to King John, who ascended the throne after putting +out his nephew’s eyes with a pair of curling-irons, and who +is the first English Sovereign who attempted to write his own name; +for the scrawl is evidently something more than his mark, which is +attached to Magna Charta.</p> +<p>We need say nothing of Richard the Third, with whom all our +play-going friends are familiar, and who made the disgraceful +offer, if Shakspeare is to be believed, of parting with the whole +kingdom for a horse, though it does not appear that the +disreputable bargain was ever completed.</p> +<p>The wars of York and Lancaster, which, though not exactly +<em>couleur de rose</em>, were on the subject of white and red +roses (that is to say, China and cabbage), united the crown in the +person of Henry the Seventh, known to the play-going public as the +Duke of Richmond, and remarkable for having entered the country by +the Lincolnshire fens; for he talks of having got into “the +bowels of the land” immediately on his arrival.</p> +<p>Henry the Eighth, as everybody knows, was the husband of seven +wives, and gave to Mr. Almar (the Sadler’s Wells Stephens) +the idea of his beautiful dramatic poem of the Wife of Seven +Husbands.</p> +<p>Elizabeth’s reign is remarkable for having produced a +mantle which is worn at the present day, it having been originally +made for one Shakspeare; but it is now worn by Mr. George Stephens, +for whom, however, it is a palpable misfit, and it sits upon him +most awkwardly.</p> +<p>Charles the First had his head cut off, and Mr. Cathcart acted +him so naturally in Miss Mitford’s play that one would have +thought the monarch was entirely without a head all through the +tragedy.</p> +<p>Cromwell next obtained the chief authority. This man was a +brewer, who did not think “small beer” of himself, and +inundated his country with “heavy wet,” in the shape of +tears, for a long period.</p> +<p>Charles the Second, well known as the merry monarch, is +remarkable only for his profligacy, and for the number of very bad +farces in which he has been the principal character. His brother +James had a short reign, but not a merry one. He is the only +English sovereign who may be said to have <em>amputated his +bludgeon</em>; which, if we were speaking of an ordinary man and +not a monarch, we should have rendered by the familiar phrase of +“cut his stick,” a process which was soon performed by +his majesty.</p> +<p>The crown now devolved upon William and Mary, upon whom half-a +crown a-piece was thus settled by the liberality of Parliament. +William was <em>Prince of Orange</em>, a descendant probably of the +great King <em>Pippin</em>.</p> +<p>Anne of Denmark comes next on our list, but of her we shall say +nothing; and as the Georges who followed her are so near own time, +we shall observe, with regard to them, an equally impenetrable +mystery.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>WAR TO THE NAIL.</h3> +<p>The <em>British Critic</em>, the high church, in fact, steeple +Tory journal, tells its readers, “if we strike out the first +person of Robert’s speeches, ay, out of his whole career, +they become a rope untwisted,” &c. &c. &c. This +excited old lady is evidently anxious to disfigure the head of the +government, by scratching Sir Robert Peel’s I’s +out.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>MOLAR AND INCISOR.</h3> +<p>Muntz, in rigging Wakley upon the late article in the +<em>Examiner</em>, likening the member for Finsbury, in his +connexion with Sir Robert Peel, “to the bird which exists by +picking the crocodile’s teeth,” jocularly remarked, +“Well, I never had any body to pick my teeth.” “I +should think not, or they would have chosen a much better +set.”</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<h2>TWENTY POUNDS.</h2> +<p>READER, did you ever want twenty pounds? You have—you +have!—I see it—I know it! Nay, never blush! Your +hand—your hand!</p> +<p>READER.—Sir, I—</p> +<p>Silence!—nonsense—stuff; don’t, don’t +prevaricate—own it as I do,—own it and rejoice.</p> +<p>READER.—Really, sir, this conduct—</p> +<p>Is strange. Granted; don’t draw back; come, a cordial +gripe. We are friends; we have both suffered from the same cause. +There, that’s right—honest palm to palm. Now, how say +you—have you ever wanted twenty pounds?</p> +<p>READER.—Frankly, then, I have.</p> +<p>Mind to mind, as hand to hand. Have you felt as I did? Did its +want cloud the sun, wither the grass, and blight the bud?</p> +<p>READER.—It did.</p> +<p>But how, marry, how? What! you decline confession—so you +may—I’ll be more explicit. I was abroad, far from my +“father-land”—there’s a magic in the +word!—the turf we’ve played on, the hearts we love, the +graves we venerate—all, all combine to concentrate its +charm.</p> +<p>READER.—You are digressing.</p> +<p>Thank you, I am; but I’ll resume. While I could buy them, +friends indeed were plenty. Alas! prudence is seldom co-mate with +youth and inexperience. The golden dream was soon to end—end +even with the yellow dross that gave it birth. Fallacious hopes of +coming “posts,” averted for a time my coming +wretchedness—three weeks, and not a line! The landlord +suffered from an intermitting affection, characteristic of the +“stiff-necked generation;”—he bowed to +others—galvanism could not have procured the tithe of a +salaam for me. His till was afflicted with a sort of +sinking-fundishness. I was the contractor of “the small +bill,” whose exact amount would enable him to meet a +“heavy payment;” my very garments were +“tabooed” from all earth’s decencies; splashes +seemed to have taken a lease of the bottoms of my trousers. My +boots, once objects of the tenderest care of their unworthy +namesake, seemed conscious of the change, and drooped in untreed +wretchedness, desponding at the wretched wrinkles now ruffling the +once smooth calf! My coat no more appeared to catch the dust; as if +under the influence of some invisible charm, its white-washed +elbows never struck upon the sight of the else all-seeing boots; +spider never rushed from his cell with the post-haste speed with +which he issued from his dark recess, to pick the slightest cobweb +that ever harnessed Queen Mab’s team, from <em>other</em> +coats; a gnat, a wandering hair left its location, swept by the +angry brush from the broad-cloth of those who paid their +bills—as far as I was concerned—all were inoculated +with this strange blindness. It was an overwhelming ophthalmia! The +chambermaid, through its fatality, never discovered that my jugs +were empty, my bottle clothed with slimy green, my soap-dish left +untenanted. A day before this time had been sufficient service for +my hand-towel; now a week seemed to render it less fit to taste the +rubs of hands and soap. Dust lost its vice, and lay unheeded in the +crammed corner of my luckless room.</p> +<p>READER.—I feel for you.</p> +<p>Silence! the worst is yet to come. At dinner all things +changed—soup, before too hot to drink, came to my lips cool +as if the north wind had caressed it; number was at an end; I +ranked no longer like a human being; I was a huge +<em>ought</em>—a walking cypher—a vile round O. I had +neither beginning nor end. Go where I would—top, bottom, +sides, ‘twas all the same. Bouilli avoided +me—vegetables declined growing under my eyes—fowls fled +from me. I might as well have longed for ice-cream in +Iceland—dessert in a desert. I had no turn—I was the +<em>last man</em>. Nevertheless, dinner was a necessary evil.</p> +<p>READER.—And tea?</p> +<p>Was excluded from the calendar. Night came, but no +rest—all things had forgotten their office. The sheets +huddled in undisturbed selfishness, like knotted cables, in one +corner of the bed; the blankets, doubtless disgusted at their +conduct, sought refuge at the foot; and the flock, like most other +flocks, without a directing hand, was scattered in disjointed +heaps.</p> +<p>READER.—Did not you complain?</p> +<p>I did—<em>imprimis</em>—to boots—boots +scratched his head; ditto waiter—waiter shook his; the +chambermaid, strange to say, was suddenly deaf.</p> +<p>READER.—And the landlord?</p> +<p>Did nothing all day; but when I spoke, was in a hurry, +“going to his ledger,” Had I had as many months as +hydra, that would have stopped them all.</p> +<p>READER.—You were to be <em>pitied</em>.</p> +<p>I was. I rose one morning with the sun—it scorched my +face, but shone not. Nature was in her spring-time to all others, +though winter to me. I wandered beside the banks of the rapid +Rhine, I saw nothing but the thick slime that clogged them, and +wondered how I could have thought them beautiful; the pebbles +seemed crushed upon the beach, the stream but added to their +lifelessness by heaping on them its dull green slime; the lark, +indeed, was singing—Juliet was right—its notes were +nothing but “harsh discords and unpleasing +sharps”—a rainbow threw its varied arch across the +heavens—sadness had robbed it of its charm—it seemed a +visionary cheat—a beautiful delusion.</p> +<p>READER.—I feel with you.</p> +<p>I thank you. I went next day.</p> +<p>READER.—What then?</p> +<p>The glorious sun shed life and joy around—the clear water +rushed bounding on in glad delight to the sweet music of the +scented wind—the pebbly beach welcomed its chaste cool kiss, +and smiled in freshness as it rolled again back to its pristine +bed. The buds on which I stepped, elastic with high hope, sprung +from the ground my foot had pressed them to—the +lark—</p> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page137" name="page137"></a>[pg +137]</span> +<p>READER.—You can say nothing new about that.</p> +<p>You are right. I’ll pass it, and come at once to an end. +My boots stood upright, conscious of their glare; a new spring +rushed into my bottles; Flora’s sweets were witnessed in my +dress; a mite, a tiny mite, might have made progress round my room, +nor found a substance larger than itself to stop its way. My lips +at dinner were scalded with the steaming soup; the eager waiters, +rushing with the choicest sauce, in dread collision met, and soused +my well-brushed coat. I was once more number one!—all things +had changed again.</p> +<p>READER—Except the rainbow.</p> +<p>Ay, even that.</p> +<p>READER,—Indeed! how so?</p> +<p>If still impalpable to the gross foot of earth, it seemed to the +charmed mind a glowing passage for the freed spirit to mount to +bliss!</p> +<p>READER.—May I ask what caused this difference?</p> +<p>You may, and shall be answered. I had received—</p> +<p>READER.—What?</p> +<p class="cen">TWENTY POUNDS!</p> +<p class="rgt">FUSBOS.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<h2>CURIOSITY HUNTERS</h2> +<p>There is a large class of people in the world—the business +of whose lives is to hunt after and collect trifling curiosities; +who go about like the Parisian <em>chiffonniers</em>, grubbing and +poking in the highways and byeways of society, for those +dearly-prized objects which the generality of mankind would turn up +their noses at as worthless rubbish. But though the tribe of +curiosity-hunters be extremely numerous, Nature, by a wise +provision, has bestowed on them various appetites, so that, in the +pursuit of their prey, they are led by different instincts, and +what one seizes with avidity, another rejects as altogether +unworthy of notice.</p> +<p>The varieties of the species are interminable; some of them are +well known, and need no description—such as the book-worm, +the bird-stuffer, the coin-taster, the picture-scrubber, &c.; +but there are others whose tastes are singularly eccentric: of +these I may mention the snuff-box collector, the cane-fancier, the +ring-taker, the play-bill gatherer, to say nothing of one +illustrious personage, whose passion for collecting a library of +Bibles is generally known. But there is another individual of the +species that I have not yet mentioned, whose morbid pleasure in +collecting relics and memorials of the most revolting deeds of +blood and crime is too well authenticated to be discredited. I +believe that this variety, which I term “The Criminal +Curiosity Hunter,” is unknown to every country in the world, +except England.</p> +<p>How such a horrible taste should have been engendered here, is a +question not easily solved. Physiologists are inclined to attribute +it to our heavy atmosphere, which induces gloomy thoughts and +fancies; while moralists assign as its cause, the sanguinary spirit +of our laws, our brutal exhibitions of hanging, drawing and +quartering, of gibbettings, whippings, brandings, and torturings, +which degrade men’s natures, and give them a relish for +scenes of blood and cruelty.</p> +<p>It happened that I had occasion to call on one of those +“Criminal Curiosity Hunters” lately. He received me +with extreme urbanity, and pointing to an old-fashioned-looking +arm-chair, requested me to be seated.—I did so.</p> +<p>“I suppose, sir,” said he, with an air of suppressed +triumph, “that you have no idea that you are now sitting in a +remarkable chair?”</p> +<p>I assured him I was totally unconscious of the fact.</p> +<p>“I can tell you, then,” he replied, “that it +was in that chair Fauntleroy, the banker, who was hanged for +forgery, was sitting when he was arrested.”</p> +<p>“Indeed!”</p> +<p>“Fact, sir! I gave ten guineas for it. I thought also to +have obtained the night-cap in which he slept the night before his +execution, but another collector was beforehand with me, and bribed +the turnkey to steal it for him.”</p> +<p>“I had no idea there could be any competition for such an +article,” I observed.</p> +<p>“Ah! sir,” said he, with a deep sigh, “you +don’t know the value of these interesting relics. I have been +for upwards of thirty years a collector of them, and I have now as +pretty a museum of Criminal Curiosities as you could desire to +see.”</p> +<p>“It seems you have been indefatigable in your +pursuit,” said I.</p> +<p>“Yes,” he replied, “when a man devotes himself +to a great object, he must go to it heart and soul. I have spared +neither time nor money in <em>my</em> pursuit; and since I became a +collector, I have attended the execution of every noted malefactor +throughout the kingdom.”</p> +<p>Perceiving that my attention was drawn to a common rope, which +served as a bell-pull, he said—</p> +<p>“I see you are remarking my bell-cord—that is the +identical rope, sir, which hanged Bellingham, who shot Mr. Perceval +in the House of Commons. I offered any sum for the one in which +Thistlewood ended his life to match it—but I was +unfortunately disappointed; and the laws have now become so +disgracefully lenient, that I fear I shall never have an +opportunity of procuring a respectable companion rope for the other +side of my mantel-piece. And ‘tis all owing to the rascally +Whigs, sir—they have swept away all our good old English +customs, and deprived us of our national recreations. I remember, +sir, when Monday was called ‘hanging day’ at the Old +Bailey; on that morning a man might he certain of seeing three or +four criminals swung off before his breakfast. ‘Tis a curious +study, sir, that of hanging—I have seen a great many people +suffer in my time: some go off as quiet as lambs, while others die +very reluctantly. I have remarked, sir, that ‘tis very +difficult to hang a Jew pedlar, or a +hackney-coachman—there’s something obstinate in their +nature that won’t let them die like other men. But, as I said +before, the Whigs and reformers have knocked up the hanging +profession; and if it was not for the suicides, which, I am happy +to say, are as abundant as ever, I don’t know what we should +do.”</p> +<p>After my friend’s indignation against the anti-hanging +principles of Reform had subsided a little, he invited me to +examine his curiosities, which he had arranged in an adjoining +room.</p> +<p>“I have not,” said he, as we were proceeding +thither, “confined my collection to objects connected with +capital offenders only; it comprehends relics of every grade of +crime, from murder to petty larceny. In that respect I am liberal, +sir.”</p> +<p>We had now reached the door of the apartment, when my conductor, +seizing my arm suddenly, pointed to the door-mat upon which I had +just set my foot, and said, “Observe that mat, sir; it is +composed of oakum picked by the fair fingers of the late Lady +Barrymore, while confined in the Penitentiary.”</p> +<p>I cast a glance at this humble memorial of her late +ladyship’s industry, and passed into the museum. In doing so, +I happened to stumble over a stable-bucket, which my friend +affirmed was the one from which Thurtell watered his horse on his +way to Probert’s cottage. Opening a drawer, he produced a +pair of dirty-looking slippers, the authentic property of the +celebrated Ikey Solomons; and along with them a pair of cotton +hose, which he assured me he had mangled with his own hands in +Sarah Gale’s mangle. In another drawer he directed my +attention to a short clay pipe, once in the possession of Burke; +and a tobacco-stopper belonging to Hare, the notorious murderer. He +had also preserved with great care Corder’s advertisement for +a wife, written in his own hand, as it appeared in the weekly +papers, and a small fragment of a tile from the Red Barn, where +Maria Martin was murdered by the same Corder. He also possessed the +fork belonging to the knife with which some German, whose name I +forget, cut his wife’s and children’s throats; and a +pewter half-quartern measure, used at the Black Lion, in +Wych-street, by Sixteen-string Jack.</p> +<p>There were, likewise, in the collection several interesting +relics of humorous felony; such as the snuff-box of the Cock-lane +ghost—the stone thrown by Collins at William the +Fourth’s head—a copy of Sir Francis Burden’s +speech, for which he was committed to the Tower—an odd black +silk glove, worn by Mr. Cotton, the late ordinary of +Newgate—Barrington’s silver tooth-pick—and a +stay-lace of Miss Julia Newman.</p> +<p>These were but a small portion of the contents of the museum; +but I had seen enough to make me sick of the exhibition, and I +withdrew with the firm resolution never again, during my life, to +enter the house of a <em>Criminal Curiosity Hunter</em>.</p> +<p class="rgt">X.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>ECCENTRICITIES OF THE MINOR DRAMA.</h3> +<p>We had intended to have arranged, for the use of future +syncretics, a system of coincidences, compiled from the plots of +those magnificent soul-stirring extravaganzas produced and acted at +the modern temples of the drama—the chaste Victoria—the +didactic Sadler’s Wells—and the tramontane Pavilion: +but we have found the subject too vast for comprehension, and must +content ourselves with noting some of the more exorbitant and +refined instances of genius and hallucination displayed in those +mighty works. Among these the following are pre-eminent:—</p> +<p>It is a remarkable thing that mothers are always buried on the +tops of inaccessible mountains, and that, when it occurs to their +afflicted daughters to go and pray at their tombs, they generally +choose a particularly inclement night as best adapted for that +purpose. It is convenient, too, if any murder took place exactly on +the spot, exactly twenty years before, because in that case it is +something agreeable to reflect upon and allude to.</p> +<p>It is remarkable that people never lie down but to dream, and +that they always dream quite to the purpose, and immediately on +having done dreaming, they wake and act upon it.</p> +<p>It is remarkable that young men never know definitely whose sons +they are, and generally turn out to belong to the wrong father, and +find that they have been falling in love with their sisters, and +all that sort of thing.</p> +<p>N.B. Wanted, a new catastrophe for these incidents, as suicide +is going out of fashion.</p> +<p>It is remarkable that whenever people are in a particular hurry +to be off, they make a point of singing a song to put themselves in +spirits, and as an effectual method of concealing their presence +from their enemies, who are always close at hand with knives.</p> +<p>It is remarkable that things always go wrong until the last +scene, and then there is such hurry and bustle to get them right +again, that no one would ever believe it could be done in the time; +only they know it must be, and make up their minds to it +accordingly.</p> +<p>One word more. Like St. Dunstan’s feet, which possessed +the sacred virtue of self-multiplication, and of which there +existed three at one time, it appears to be a prerogative of +epithets of the superlative degree to attach themselves to any +number of substantives. Thus the most popular comedian of the day +is five different men—the most beautiful drama ever produced +is two farces—an opera and a tragedy—and the most +decided hit in the memory of man is the “Grecian +Statues”—“The Wizard of the +Moon”—“The Devil’s +Daughter”—“Martinuzzi”—and “The +Refuge for the Destitute.”</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page138" name="page138"></a>[pg 138]</span> +<h2>THE “WELL-DRESSED” AND THE +“WELL-TO-DO.”</h2> +<p>“There has for the last few days been a smile on the face +<em>of every well-dressed gentleman</em>, and <em>of every +well-to-do artisan</em>, who wend their way along the streets of +this vast metropolis. It is caused by the opposition exhibition of +Friday night in the House of Commons.”</p> +<p>Such is the comfortable announcement of a Tory morning +paper,—the very incarnation of spiteful imbecility. Such is +the self-complacency of the old Tory hag, that in her wildest +moments would bite excessively,—if she only had teeth. She +has, however, in the very simplicity of her smirking, let out the +whole secret—has, in the sweet serenity of her satisfaction, +revealed the selfishness, the wickedness of her creed. <em>Toryism +believes only in the well-dressed and the well-to-do</em>. Purple +and fine linen are the instrumental parts of her religion. She +subscribes, in fact, to forty-three points; four meals a day being +added to her Christian Thirty-nine Articles. Her faith is in glossy +raiment and a full belly. She has such a reverence for the loaves +and fishes, that in the fulness of her devotion, she would eat +them—as the author of the <em>Almanach des Gourmands</em> +advises the epicure to eat a certain exquisite +dainty—“on her knees.” She would die a martyr at +the fire;—but then it must be lighted in the kitchen.</p> +<p>The parliamentary exhibition which, according to the +<em>Sycorax</em> of Toryism—a <em>Sycorax</em> with double +malice, but no potency—has set all the well-dressed and +well-to-do part of “this vast metropolis” off in one +simultaneous simper, took place on the following motion made by Mr. +FIELDEN:—</p> +<p class="note">“Resolved,—That the distress of the +working people at the present time is so great through the country, +but particularly in the manufacturing districts, that it is the +duty of this House to make instant inquiry into the cause and +extent of such distress, and devise means to remedy it; and, at all +events, to vote no supply of money until such inquiry be +made.”—(Hear, hear.)</p> +<p>This motion was negatived by 149 to 41; and it is to this +negative that, according to the avowal of our veracious +contemporary, we owe the radiant looks that have lighted up the +streets of London for the past few days. In the same sense of the +writer, but in the better words of the chorus of <em>Tom +Thumb</em>—</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>“Nature seemed to wear a universal grin!”</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>It being always premised and settled that the term nature only +comprehends the people with sleek coats and full stomachs. Nature +abhors a vacuum,—therefore has nought to do with empty +bellies. Happy are the men whose fate, or better philosophy, has +kept them from the turnips and the heather—fortunate mortals, +who, banned from the murder of partridges and grouse, have for the +last few days of our contemporary, been dwellers in merry London! +What exulting faces! What crowds of well-dressed, well-fed +<em>Malvolios</em>, “smiling” at one another, though +not cross-gartered! To a man prone to ponder on that many-leaved, +that scribbled, blurred and blotted volume, the human +face,—that mysterious tome printed with care, with cunning +and remorse,—that thing of lies, and miseries, and hypocritic +gladness,—that volume, stained with tears, and scribbled over +and over with daily wants, and daily sufferings, and daily +meannesses;—to such a reader who, from the hieroglyphic lines +of feigned content, can translate the haggard spirit and the pining +heart,—to such a man too often depressed and sickened by the +contemplation of the carnivorous faces thronging the streets of +London—faces that look as if they deemed the stream of all +human happiness flowed only from the Mint,—to such a man, how +great the satisfaction, how surpassing the enjoyment of these +“last few days!” As with the Thane of Cawdor, every +man’s face has been a book; but, alas! luckier than +<em>Macbeth</em>, that book has been—<em>Joe Miller!</em></p> +<p>Every well-dressed gentleman has smiled, but then the source of +his satisfaction has been the rags fluttering on the human carcases +in the manufacturing districts. Every well-to-do artisan has wended +his way along the streets showing his teeth, but then at his own +sweet will he can employ those favoured instruments on roast or +boiled: hence his smile for those who, gifted with the like +weapons, bear them as men bear court swords, for ornament, not use. +Alas! the smirk of the well-dressed may be struck into blank +astonishment by the fluttering of rags—by a standard of +tatters borne by a famine-maddened myriad; the teeth of the dragon +want may be sown, and the growth may, as of old, be armed men.</p> +<p>Yet can we wonder at the jocoseness of those arrayed in lawn and +broad-cloth—can we marvel at the simper of the artisan fresh +from his beef and pudding, solaced with tobacco and porter? Surely +not; for the smile breaks under the highest patronage; nay, even +broad grins would have the noblest warranty, for his Grace the Duke +of Wellington has pronounced rags to be the livery only of wilful +idleness—has stamped on the withering brow of destitution the +brand of the drunkard. Therefore, clap your hands to your pulpy +sides, oh well-dressed, well-to-do London, and disdaining the +pettiness of a simper, laugh an ogre’s laugh at the rags of +Manchester—grin like a tickled Polyphemus at the hunger of +Bolton!</p> +<p>Our babbling, anile friend, in the very looseness of her prating +has let out the truth. Or rather—a common custom with +her—she has talked in her sleep. Her very weakness has, +however, given a point to her revelation.</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>“Diamonds dart their brightest lustre,</p> +<p><em>from a palsy-shaken head</em>!”</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>In the midst of her snores she has but revealed the plot entered +into between those most respectable conspirators, Broad Cloth and +Beef, against those old offenders, those incorrigible miscreants, +Rags and Want! The confederacy is, to be sure, older than the +crucified thieves; but then it has not been so undisguisedly +avowed. Broad Cloth has, on the contrary, affected a sympathy with +tatters, though with a constancy of purpose has refused an ell from +its trailing superfluity to solace the wretchedness; the tears of +Beef dropt on the lank abdomen of Starvation, are ancient as post +diluvian crocodiles.—but it has spared no morsel to the +object of its hypocritic sorrow. Now, however, even the decency of +deceit is to be dropt, and Broad Cloth is to make sport with the +nakedness of the land, and merry Beef is to roar like the bulls of +Bashan at the agonies of famine!</p> +<p>As the winter approaches we are promised increasing sources of +amusement from the manufacturing districts. What sunny faces will +break though the fogs of November—what giggling will drown +the cutting blasts of January! Eschewing the wise relaxation of +pantomimes, we shall be taught to consult the commercial reports in +the newspapers as the highest and fullest source of salutary +laughter. How we shall simper when mills are stopped—how crow +with laughter when whole factories are silent and deserted! How +reader—(for we acknowledge none who are not well-dressed and +well-to-do)—how you will scream with joy when banks +break!—and how consult the list of bankrupts as the very +spirit and essence of the most consummate fun. Insolvency shall +henceforth be synonymous with repartee—and compositions with +creditors practical <em>bons mots</em>.</p> +<p>Oh! reader—(but mind, you <em>must</em>, we say, to be our +reader, be well-dressed and well-to-do; for though we owe the very +paper beneath your eye to rags, we trust we are sufficiently in the +mode to laugh contemptuously at such abominations)—oh! +reader, quit your lighter recreations; seek not for merriment in +fictitious humour; it is a poor, unsatisfactory diet, weak and +watery; but find substantial drollery from the fluttering of +tatters—laugh, and with the crowing joy, grow sleek and lusty +at the writhings and the lamentations of want!</p> +<p>We have, however, a recent benevolent instance of the political +and social power of dress—an instance gathered from the Court +of Spain. The organ (or rather barrel-organ of Toryism, for it has +only a set number of tunes) which played our opening quotation, +also grinds the following:—</p> +<p class="note">“The Regent Espartero, and the tutor +Arguelles, are doing all in their power to keep the young Queen and +the Infanta <em>in good humour</em>, encouraging the Princesses in +many little indulgences suitable to their age and sex, +<em>especially in the article of dress</em>, in which their royal +mother was more than inattentive. <em>This line of conduct</em>, +coupled with the expected arrival of the Infant, Don Francisco de +Paula and his family, who are to be received with every mark of +respect, indicates that the present rulers of Spain, aware of their +critical situation, wish to strengthen themselves by the support of +the great majority of the royal family.”</p> +<p>Thus, if the royal family of Spain have an excess of courtesy +and benevolence towards the people, such blessings will drop upon +them from the fringed petticoats of the little sovereign. Thus +curiously considered, may we not trace a bounteous political +measure to the lace veil of a Queen, and find a great national +benefit in the toe of a slipper?</p> +<p>Happy Spaniards! Give fine clothes to <em>your</em> rulers, and +they yearn with benevolence towards the donors. <em>They</em> do +not walk about the streets of Madrid, smiling in the strength of +their wardrobe at the nakedness of those who have subscribed the +bravery. Oh, ye “well-dressed gentlemen,” and oh, ye +“well-to-do artisans!”—be instructed by the new +petticoats of Queen Isabella, and smile no at rags and famine.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page139" name="page139"></a>[pg +139]</span> +<h2>PUNCH’S PENCILLINGS.—No. XII.</h2> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/012-07.png"><img src= +"images/012-07.png" alt= +"A group of peacocks with men's faces look down on a blackbird with a man's face." +id="img012-07" name="img012-07" width="100%" /></a> +<p>THE TORY PEACOCKS AND THE FINSBURY DAW.</p> +</div> +<!-- [pg 140] --> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page141" name="page141"></a>[pg +141]</span> +<h2>TRANSACTIONS OF THE GEOLOGICAL SOCIETY OF +HOOKHAM-CUM-SNIVEY.</h2> +<p>There is not a more interesting science than geology, which, as +our readers are aware, treats principally of mud and minerals. The +association at Hookham-cum-Snivey has been very active during the +summer, and may be said to have been up to its knees in dirt and +filth, gravel and gypsum, coal, clay and conglomerate, for a very +considerable period.</p> +<p>It having been determined to open a sewer where the old +Hookham-road meets with the ancient Roman footpath at Snivey, the +junction of which gives name to the modern town, the Geological +Association passed a strong resolution, in which it was asserted, +that the opportunity had at length arrived for solving the great +doubt that had long perplexed the minds of the inhabitants as to +whether the soil in the neighbourhood was crustaceous or +carboniferous. The <em>crusta</em>ceous party had been long +triumphing in the fact, that a mouldy piece of bread had been found +at two feet below the surface, when digging for the foundation of a +swing erected in a garden in the neighbourhood; but the +<em>carboni</em>ferous enthusiasts had been thrown into ecstacies, +by the sexton having come upon a regular <em>strata</em> of +undoubted cinders, in clearing out a piece of ground at the back of +the parson’s residence. Some evil-disposed persons had the +malice to say that the spot had been formerly the site of a +subsequently-filled-up dusthole; but the <em>crusta</em>ceous +party, depending as they did upon a single piece of +bread—<em>all crumb</em> too—however genuine, could not +be said to have so much to go upon as the <em>carboni</em>ferous +section, with their heap of cinders, the latter being large in +quantity, though of doubtful authority.</p> +<p>However, the opening of the sewer was looked forward to with +intense interest, as being calculated to decide the great question, +and all the principal geologists were on the spot several hours +before operations commenced, for the purpose of inspecting the +surface of the ground before it was disturbed by the spade and +pickaxe of the labourer.</p> +<p>It was found that the earth consisted of an outer coat of dust, +amongst which were several stones, varying in size, with here and +there a bone picked exceedingly clean, and evidently belonging to a +sheep; all of which facts gave promise of most gratifying results +to the true lover of geology. At length the labourer came in sight, +and was greeted with loud cheers from the crustaceous party, which +were ironically echoed by the disciples of the carboniferous +school, and a most significant “hear, hear,” proceeded +from an active partisan of the latter class, when the first stroke +of the pickaxe proclaimed the commencement of an operation upon +which so much was known to depend for the interests of geology. The +work had proceeded for some time amid breathless interest, +interrupted only by sneers, cheers, jeers, and cries of “Oh, +oh!” or “No, no!” As the throwing up of a +shovelful of earth excited the hopes of one party, or the fears of +the other, when a hard substance was struck upon, which caused a +thrilling sensation among the bystanders. The pressure of the +geologists, all eager to inspect the object that had created so +much curiosity, could hardly be restrained, and the president was +thrown, with great violence, into the hole that had been dug, from +which he was pulled with extraordinary strength of body, and +presence of mind, by the honorary treasurer.</p> +<p>The hard substance was found to consist of a piece of iron, of +which it appeared a vein, or rather an artery, ran both backwards +and forwards from the spot where it was first discovered. The +confusion was at its height, for it was supposed a mine had been +discovered, and a long altercation ensued; the town-clerk claiming +it in the name of the lord of the manor, while the beadle, with a +confused idea about mines being royal property, leaped into the +hole, and, in the Queen’s name, took possession of +everything. A desperate struggle ensued, in which several +geologists were laid straight upon the <em>strata</em>, and were +converted into secondary deposits on the surface of the earth; when +the lamplighter, coming by, recognised the hard iron substance as +the large main of the Equitable Company. It became therefore +necessary to relinquish any further investigation on the spot +originally chosen, and the matter was postponed to another day, so +that the great crustaceous and carboniferous question remains +exactly where it did, to the great injury of the harmony and good +feeling that has never yet prevailed, though it is hoped it some +time or other may prevail, among the inhabitants.</p> +<p>But though public investigation of geological truth is for a +time at a stand-still, we are glad to be able to record the +following remarkable instance of private enterprise:—</p> +<p>A very active member of the association—the indefatigable +Mr. Grubemup—determined to leave no stone unturned for the +purpose of making observations, went out, attended by a single +assistant, and made a desperate attempt to turn the mile-stone in +the Kensington-road, in the hope of finding some geological facts +at the bottom of it. After several hours’ labour before +day-break, to avoid interruption from the police, he succeeded in +introducing the point of a pickaxe beneath the base of the stone; +and eventually he had the satisfaction of removing it from its +position, when he made the following geological +observations:—He found a primary deposit of dark soil, and, +on putting his spectacles to his eyes, he distinctly detected a +common worm in a state of high salubrity. This clearly proved to +him that there must formerly have been a direct communication +between Hookham-cum-Snivey and the town of Kensington, for the worm +found beneath the milestone exactly resembled one now in the +Hookham-cum-Snivey Museum, and which is known as the <em>vermis +communis</em>, or earth-worm, and which has always excited +considerable interest among the various visitors. Mr. Grubemup, +encouraged by this highly satisfactory result, proceeded to scratch +up with his thumb-nail a portion of the soil, and his geological +enterprise was speedily rewarded by a fossil of the most +interesting character. Upon close inspection it proved to be a +highly crystallised rat’s-tail, from which the geologist +inferred that there were rats on the Kensington-road at a much +earlier period than milestones. We have not heard that the +ingenious gentleman carried his examination further, but in the +present state of geology, any contribution to the science, however +small, will be thankfully received by the knowledge-loving +community.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>LAYS OF THE “BEAU MONDE.”</h3> +<h4>BY THE EDITOR OF THE MORNING POST.</h4> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>I saw at Lord George’s <em>rout</em>,</p> +<p class="i2">Amid a blaze of <em>ton</em>;</p> +<p>And such a <em>tournure</em> ne’er “came +out”</p> +<p>For Maradon Carson!</p> +<p class="i2">For who that mark’d that sylph-like grace</p> +<p>That full Canova hip,</p> +<p class="i2">That robe of rich Chantilly lace,</p> +<p>That faultless satin slip,</p> +<p class="i2">Could doubt that she would be <em>the belle</em></p> +<p>To make a thousand waistcoats swell?</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">I saw her seated by my lord,</p> +<p>As <em>joli comme un ange</em>;</p> +<p class="i2">She took some <em>pate perigord</em>.</p> +<p>And after that <em>blanc mange</em>:</p> +<p class="i2">A glass of Moyse’s pink champagne</p> +<p>Lent lustre to <em>ses eux</em>.</p> +<p class="i2">And then—I heard a Grisian strain—</p> +<p>It was her sweet <em>adieux</em>;</p> +<p class="i2">And I—my friend the butler sought,</p> +<p class="i2">To slake with stout each burning thought.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>METROPOLITAN IMPROVEMENTS.</h3> +<p>It is at length decided that Aldgate pump is to be painted, but +the vestry have not yet determined what the colour is to be. It is +thought, to suit the diversity of opinions in the parish cabinet, +that it will be painted in a harlequin pattern.</p> +<p>It is seriously contemplated to attempt the removal of the +ancient “Hot Codlings” stand from the west-end of +Temple Bar. The old woman who at present occupies the premises is +resolved to resist to the utmost so unjust an aggression.</p> +<p>The Corporation of the City of London have, in the most liberal +manner, given a plot of ground, eighteen by thirteen and a +half-inches, for the erection of a pickled whilks and pennywinkle +establishment, at the corner of Newgate-street and the Old Bailey. +This will be a valuable boon to the Blue-coat boys, and will tend +to cause a brisk influx of loose coppers to this hitherto +much-neglected spot.</p> +<p>The disgraceful state of the gutter-grating in Little +Distaff-lane has, at length, awakened the attention of the parish +authorities. For several days past it has been choked by an +accumulation of rubbish, but we are now enabled, on good authority, +to state that the parish-beadle has been directed to poke it with +his staff, which it is hoped will have the effect of removing the +obstruction.</p> +<p>The Commissioners of Woods and Forests have ordered plans and +estimates to be laid before them for the erection of a duck-house +on the island of the pond in St. James’s Park.</p> +<p>It has been decided that the exhibition of fancy paper on the +boards of the enclosure of Trafalgar-square is to continue open to +the public till further notice.</p> +<p>By a recent Act of Parliament, foot passengers crossing +Blackfriars-bridge are allowed to walk on whichever side of it they +like best.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>ERRATA IN THE “TIMES.”</h3> +<p>For “Sir James Graham denied that he ever <em>changed</em> +his friends or his principles,” read “<em>hanged</em> +his friends or his principles.”</p> +<p>For “Lord John Russell said that he had strenuously +endeavoured to keep <em>pace</em> with the march of Reform,” +read “keep <em>place</em> with the march of +Reform.”</p> +<p>For “though Sir Robert Peel is the ostensible +<em>head</em>, the Duke of Wellington holds the <em>reins</em> of +the present administration,” read “the Duke of +Wellington holds the <em>brains</em> of the present +administration.”</p> +<p>For “Colonel Sibthorp said he despised the man who +suffered himself be made the <em>tool</em> of a party,” read +“the <em>fool</em> of a party.”</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page142" name="page142"></a>[pg +142]</span> +<h2>THE PHYSIOLOGY OF THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT</h2> +<div class="dropcap"><a href="images/012-08.png"><img src= +"images/012-08.png" alt= +"A buccolic scene in a wreath forms a letter O." id="img012-08" +name="img012-08" width="100%" /></a></div> +<p><span class="hide">O</span>ur lively neighbours on the opposite +side of the <em>Pas de Calais</em> (as they are pleased, in a +spirit of patriotic appropriation, to translate the Straits of +Dovor), have lately shot off a flight of small literary rockets +about Paris, which have exploded joyously in every direction, +producing all sorts of fun and merriment, termed <em>Les +Physiologies</em>—a series of graphic sketches, embodying +various every-day types of characters moving in the French capital. +In the same spirit we beg to bring forward the following papers, +with the hope that they will meet with an equally favourable +reception.</p> +<h4>1. THE INTRODUCTORY DISCOURSE.</h4> +<p>We are about to discuss a subject as critical and important to +take up as the abdominal aorta; for should we offend the class we +are about to portray, there are fifteen hundred medical students, +arrived this week in London, ripe and ready to avenge themselves +upon our devoted cranium, which, although hardened throughout its +ligneous formation by many blows, would not be proof against their +united efforts. And we scarcely know how or where to begin. The +instincts and different phases, under which this interesting race +appears, are so numerous, that far from complaining of the paucity +of materials we have to work upon, we are overwhelmed by mental +suggestions, and rapidly-dissolving views, of the various classes +from Guy’s to the London University, from St. George’s +to the London Hospital, perpetually crowding upon our brains (if we +have any), and rendering our ideas as completely muddled as those +of a “new man” who has, for the first week of October, +attended every single lecture in the day, from the commencement of +chemistry, at nine in the morning, to the close of surgery, at +eight in the evening. Lecture! auspicious word! we have a beginning +prompted by the mere sound. We will address you, medical students, +according to the style you are most accustomed to.</p> +<p>Gentlemen,—Your attention is to be this morning directed +to an important part of your course on physiology, which your +various professors, at two o’clock on Saturday afternoon, +will separately tell you is derived from two Greek words, so that +we have no occasion to explain its meaning at present. Magendie, +Müller, Mayo, Millengen, and various other M’s, have +written works upon physiology, affecting the human race generally; +you are now requested to listen to the demonstration of one species +in particular—the Medical Student of London.</p> +<p>Lay aside your deeper studies, then, and turn for a while to our +lighter sketches; forget the globules of the blood in the +contemplation of red billiard balls; supplant the <em>tunica +arachnoidea</em> of the brain by a gossamer hat—the <em>rete +mucosum</em> of the skin by a pea-jacket; the vital fluid by a pot +of half-and-half. Call into play the flexor muscles of your arms +with boxing-gloves and single-sticks; examine the secreting glands +in the shape of kidneys and sweetbreads; demonstrate other theories +connected with the human economy in an equally analogous and +pleasant manner; lay aside your crib Celsus and Steggall’s +Manual for our own more enticing pages, and find your various +habits therein reflected upon paper, with a truth to nature only +exceeded by the artificial man of the same material in the Museum +of King’s College. Assume for a time all this joyousness. +PUNCH has entered as a pupil at a medical school (he is not at +liberty to say which), on purpose to note your propensities, and +requests you for a short period to look upon him as one of your own +lot. His course will commence next week, and “The New +Man” will be the subject.</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/012-09.png"><img src= +"images/012-09.png" alt= +"A tableau with a tankard, a pipe, cards, etc." id="img012-09" +name="img012-09" width="50%" /></a></div> +<hr /> +<h3>MICHAELMAS DAY</h3> +<p>Every one knows that about this time of the year geese are in +their prime, and are particularly good when stuffed with sage; +which accounts for the fact, that Sibthorp has made some sage +remarks, so that he may not lose by comparison with the +“foolish birds,” with whom he feels a natural +sympathy.</p> +<p>We have never been able to discover the connexion between geese +and Michaelmas. There is a reason for associating ducks with +Midsummer: we can understand the meaning of poultry at Christmas, +for <em>birds</em> are appropriate to a period when every one sends +in <em>his bill</em>; but why poor St. Michael should be so +degradingly associated with a goose is beyond our comprehension, +and baffles our ingenuity. If St. Michael had been a tailor, or an +actor, or an author, we could have understood how <em>goose</em> +might have applied to him; but as he was neither one nor the other, +we really are at a loss to conceive why a goose should have become +so intimately associated with his name and character.</p> +<p>Among other curious incidents, it may be remarked that, with an +instinctive dread of <em>goose</em>, the redoubtable +<em>Martinuzzi</em> drew in his horns, just on the eve of +Michaelmas, and the <em>Syncretics</em> have just shut up shop in +time to avoid the “<em>compliments of the season</em>” +that they had every right and every reason to anticipate would be +bestowed, if not with a “liberal hand,” at least with +“a lavish mouth,” by their audience.</p> +<p>It must be remembered by all the geese against whom PUNCH thinks +proper to indulge his wit, that at this season of the year they +must expect to be roasted. Upon the whole, however, we have a high +respect for “the foolish bird,” and when it is +remembered that the geese saved Rome, we do not think we are wrong +in suggesting the possibility of England being yet saved by Lord +Coventry, or any other cackler in either house of Parliament.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>“LAND SHARKS AND SEA GULLS.”</h3> +<p>Admiral Napier observed that “retired lawyers got better +paid than retired admirals.” A gross injustice, as their +vocations bear an extraordinary similarity; par example—both +are <em>attachés</em> of the Fleet: in an action, both know +the necessity of being bailed out to prevent swamping. One service +is distinguished by its “davits,” the other by its +“affidavits;” and they are mutually and equally admired +for, and known by, their craft. The only difference between them +being, that the lawyer serves “two masters”—the +admiral, invariably, three masters. If the same remark applies to +the members of the army-list, as well as to those of the navy and +law, we must say that it is an extremely shabby method of</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/012-10.png"><img src= +"images/012-10.png" alt="A man picks the pocket of a soldier." id= +"img012-10" name="img012-10" width="50%" /></a> +<p>“RELIEVING GUARD.”</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>LIST OF OUTRAGES.</h3> +<p>The following list of outrages, recently perpetrated in the +vicinity of a notoriously bad house near Westminster Abbey, has not +appeared in any of the daily papers:—</p> +<p>LORD MELBOURNE—frightfully beaten, and turned out of his +house by a gang of Peelites.</p> +<p>LORD JOHN RUSSELL—struck on the head by a large majority, +and flung into a quandary.</p> +<p>LORD COTTENHAM—tripped up by a well-known member of the +swell mob, and robbed of his seals.</p> +<p>MR. ROEBUCK—stripped and treated with barbarous inhumanity +by a notorious bruiser named the <em>Times</em>. The unfortunate +gentleman lies to the present moment <em>speechless</em> from the +injuries he has sustained.</p> +<p>LORD NORMANBY—stabbed with some sharp instrument, supposed +to be Lord Stanley’s tongue.</p> +<p>LORD MORPETH—struck in the dark by an original idea, from +the effects of which he has not yet recovered.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>ROOT AND BRANCH.</h3> +<p>Roebuck, in complaining of the stigmas cast by the +<em>Times</em> upon his pedigree, and vehemently insisting on the +character of his family tree, was kindly assisted by Tom Duncombe, +who declared the genus indisputable, as nobody could look in +Roebuck’s face without perceiving his family tree must have +been the “plane-tree.”</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page143" name="page143"></a>[pg +143]</span> +<h3>SONGS FOR THE SENTIMENTAL.—NO. 8.</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>You say I have forgot the vow</p> +<p class="i2">I breath’d in days long past;</p> +<p>But had I faithful been, that thou</p> +<p class="i2">Hadst loved me to the last.</p> +<p><em>Without</em> me, e’en a throne thou’dst +scorn—</p> +<p class="i2"><em>With</em> me, contented beg!</p> +<p>False maid! ’tis not that I’m forsworn,—</p> +<p class="i2">The boot’s on t’other leg.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Amidst the revel thou wast gay,</p> +<p class="i2">The blithest with the song!</p> +<p>Though thou believ’dst me far away,</p> +<p class="i2">An exile at Boulogne.</p> +<p>’Twas then, and not till then, my heart</p> +<p class="i2">To love thee did refuse;</p> +<p>My vows became (false that thou art!)—</p> +<p class="i2">Another pair of shoes!</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>AFFAIRS IN CHINA.</h3> +<h4>PRIVATE LETTER FROM A YOUNG OFFICER AT THE ENGLISH FACTORY, +CANTON, TO HIS BROTHER IN ENGLAND.</h4> +<p>DEAR TOM,—Everything is going on gloriously—the +British arms are triumphant—and we now only require the +Emperor of China’s consent to our taking possession of his +territory, which I am sorry to say there is at present no +likelihood of obtaining. However, there is little doubt, if we be +not all swept off by ague and cholera, that we shall be able to +maintain our present position a few months longer. Our situation +here would be very comfortable if we had anything to eat, except +bad beef and worse biscuit; these, however, are but trifling +inconveniences; and though we have no fresh meat, we have plenty of +fish in the river. One of our men caught a fine one the other day, +which was bought and cooked for the officers’ mess, by which +means we were all nearly destroyed—the fish unfortunately +happening to be of a poisonous nature; in consequence of which a +general order was issued the next day, forbidding the troops to +catch or eat any more fish. The country around the factory is +beautiful; but we deem it prudent to keep within the walls, as the +Chinese are very expert at picking up stragglers, whom they usually +strangle. Beyond this we cannot complain of our situation; fowls +are extremely abundant, but I have not seen any, the inhabitants +having carried them up the country along with their cattle and +provisions of every description. The water here is so brackish that +it is almost impossible to drink it; there are, however some wells +of delicious water in the neighbourhood, which would be a real +treasure to us if the Chinese had not poisoned them. +Notwithstanding these unavoidable privations, the courage of our +troops is indomitable; a detachment of the ——th +regiment succeeded last week in taking possession of an island in +the river, nearly half an acre in extent; it has, however, since +been deemed advisable to relinquish this important conquest, owing +to the muddy nature of the soil, into which several of our brave +fellows sank to the middle, and were with difficulty extricated. A +gallant affair took place a few days ago between two English +men-of-war’s boats and a Chinese market junk, which was taken +after a resolute defence on the part of the Chinaman and his wife, +who kept up a vigorous fire of pumpkins and water-melons upon our +boats, until their supply was exhausted, when they were forced to +surrender to British valour. The captured junk has since been cut +up for the use of the forces. Though this unpleasant state of +affairs has interrupted all formal intercourse between the Chinese +and English, Captain Elliot has given a succession of balls to the +occupants of a small mud fort near the shore, which I fear they did +not relish, as several of them appeared exceedingly hurt, and +removed with remarkable celerity out of reach of the +Captain’s civilities. Thus, instead of opening the trade, +this proceeding has only served to open the breach. The Emperor, I +hear, is enraged at our successes, and has ordered the head and +tail of the mandarin, Keshin, to be sent in pickle to the imperial +court at Pekin. A new mandarin has arrived, who has presented a +chop to Captain Elliott, but I hope, where there is so much at +stake, that he will not be put off with a chop. There is no +description of tea to be had in the market now but gunpowder, +which, by the last reports, is going off briskly. Our amusements +are not very numerous, being chiefly confined to yawning and +sleeping; of this latter recreation I must confess that we enjoy +but little, owing to the mosquitos, who are remarkably active and +persevering in their attacks upon us. But with the exception of +these tormenting insects, and a rather alarming variety of +centipedes, scorpions, and spiders, we have no venomous creatures +to disturb us. The weather is extremely hot, and the advantages of +the river for bathing would be very great if it were not so full of +sharks. I have much more to relate of our present cheering +prospects and enviable situation, but a ship is on the point of +sailing for England, so must conclude in haste.</p> +<p class="rgt">Ever, dear Tom, yours,<br /> +R.B.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>POACHED EGOTISM.</h3> +<p>The <em>Examiner</em> observes, in speaking of the types of the +new premier’s policy,—“The state, I am the +state,” said the most arrogant of French monarchs. “The +administration, I am the administration,” would seem to say +Sir Robert Peel. In the speech explanatory of his views, which +cannot be likened to Wolsey’s “<em>Ego et Rex +meus</em>,” because the importance of the <em>ego</em> is not +impaired by any addition.—This literally amounts to a +conviction, on the part of the editor of the <em>Examiner</em>, +that the premier’s expression is all in his +“I.”</p> +<hr /> +<h3>THE POLITICAL NATURALIST’S LIBRARY</h3> +<h4>CONTENTS OF THE VOLUMES ALREADY PUBLISHED.</h4> +<h5>THE SUPER-NATURAL HISTORY OF—</h5> +<p>“HUMMING” BIRDS.—With Memoir and Portraits of +Peel, Stanley and Aberdeen.</p> +<p>BIRDS OF THE “GAME” KIND.—Portrait and Memoir +of Mr. Gully.</p> +<p>FISHES OF THE “PERCH” GENUS.—Biographical +notices of the late Ministry.</p> +<p>RUMINATING ANIMALS, Vol. 1.—Contents: <em>Goats</em>, +&c. Portrait of Mr. Muntz.</p> +<p>RUMINATING ANIMALS, Vol. 2.—Contents: Deer, Antelopes, +&c. Portrait of Mr. Roebuck.</p> +<p>MARSUPIALS, OR “POUCHED” ANIMALS.—With many +<em>plates</em>. Portrait and Memoir of Daniel O’Connell, +Esq.</p> +<p>BRITISH BUTTERFLIES.—Portrait and Memoir of Sir E. Lytton +Bulwer.</p> +<p>COMPLETION OF THE WORK.—Considerable progress has been +making in the concluding volume of the series. <em>Rats</em>, with +portraits of Burdett, Gibson, Wakley, <em>et genus omne</em>; but +the subject is so vast that no definite time can be fixed for its +publication.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>A GREAT CARD.</h3> +<p>MR. WAKLEY begs to inform the Lords of the Treasury, the editor +of the <em>Times</em>, and the Master of the Mint, that ever +anxious to rise in the world, he has recently been induced to +undertake the sweeping of Conservative flues, and the performance +of any dirty work which his Tory patrons may deem him worthy to +perform. Certain objections having been made as to his +qualifications for a climbing boy, Mr. W. pledges himself to +undergo any course of training, to enable him to get through the +business, and to remove any apprehension of his ever becoming</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/012-11.png"><img src= +"images/012-11.png" alt= +"A small black man standing in a bag, holding a brush." id= +"img012-11" name="img012-11" width="50%" /></a> +<p>A POTTED BLOATER.</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>THE POETICAL JUSTICE.</h3> +<p>SIR PETER LAURIE, in commenting upon the late case of false +imprisonment, where two young men had been unjustifiably handcuffed +by the police, delivered himself of the following exquisite piece +of rhetoric:—“He did not think it possible that such a +case of abuse could pass unnoticed as that he had just heard. The +general conduct of the police was, he believed, good; but the +instances of arbitrary conduct and overbearing demeanour <em>set to +flight all the ancient examples brought forward to enrich by +contrast the serious parts of the glorious genius of +Shakspeare</em>.” We never understood or imagined there was +an Anacreon among the aldermen, a Chaucer in the common council, or +a Moliere at the Mansion-house. We have now discovered the Peter +Lauriate of the City—the poet of the Poultry. Who, in the +face of the above sentence, can deny his right to these titles, if, +like ourselves, they are</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/012-12.png"><img src= +"images/012-12.png" alt="A tough-looking man." id="img012-12" name= +"img012-12" width="50%" /></a> +<p>OPEN TO CONVICTION!</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>THE EVIL MOST TO BE DREADED.</h3> +<p>A clergyman, lately preaching to a country congregation, used +the following persuasive arguments against the vice of +swearing:—“Oh, my brethren, avoid this practice, for it +is a great sin, and, what is more, it is +<em>ungenteel</em>!”</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page144" name="page144"></a>[pg 144]</span> +<h2>PUNCH’S THEATRE.</h2> +<h3>WHAT WILL THE WORLD SAY?</h3> +<p>The family of the “Sponges” distributes itself over +the entire face of society—its members are familiar with +almost every knocker, and with nearly everybody’s +dinner-hour. They not unfrequently come in with the eggs, and only +go out with the last glass of negus. They seem to possess the power +of ubiquity; for, go where you will, your own especial sponge (and +everybody with more than two hundred a-year has one), is sure to +present himself. He is ready for anything, especially where eating, +love, duelling, or drinking, is concerned. To oblige you, he will +breakfast at supper-time, or sup at breakfast-time; he will drink +any given quantity, at any time, and will carry any number of +declarations of love to any number of ladies, or of challenges to +whole armies of rivals: thus far he is useful; for he is obliging, +and will do anything—but pay.</p> +<p>When he has absorbed all the moisture his victims are able to +supply, he may be seen walking about in moody solitude in the +parks, where he sponges upon the ducks, and owes for the use of the +chairs. In this dry and destitute condition, behold the sponge of +the Covent-Garden Comedy—<em>Captain Tarradiddle</em>. He is +in St. James’ Park; for, possessing imaginary rather than +substantial claims to military rank, he flits about the +Horse-Guards to keep up his character. A person is already upon the +stage, for whom you instinctively shudder—you perceive, at +once, that he is “in” for dinner, wine, theatre, and +supper—you pity him; you see the sponge, speciously, but +surely, fasten himself upon his victim like a vampire. <em>Mr. Pye +Hilary</em>, being a barrister and a man of the world, resigns +himself, however, to his fate. As to shaking off his leech, he +knows that to be impossible; and he determines to make what use of +him he can. There is a fine opportunity, for <em>Mr. Pye +Hilary</em> is in love, in despair, and in waiting: he expects his +mistress’s abigail; in negociating with whom, he conceives +<em>Tarradiddle</em> will be a valuable assistant. <em>Mrs. +Tattle</em> arrives. Preliminaries having been duly settled, +articles offensive and defensive are entered into, to carry out a +plan by which the lover shall gain an interview with the mistress; +and the treaty is ratified by a liberal donation, which the +<em>Captain</em> makes to the maid out of his friend’s purse. +The servant is satisfied, and goes off in the utmost agitation, for +<em>Miss Mayley</em> and her guardian are coming; and she dreads +being caught in the fact of bribery. <em>Mr. Hilary</em> trembles; +so does the young lady, when she appears; and the agitation of all +parties is only put an end to by the fall of the act-drop.</p> +<p>If any class of her Majesty’s subjects are more miserable +than another, it is that of gentlemen’s servants. One of +these oppressed persons is revealed to us in the next act. Poor +fellow! he has nothing to do but to sit in the hall, and nothing to +amuse him but the newspaper. But his misfortunes do not end here: +as if to add insult to injury, the family governess presumes to +upbraid him, and actually insists upon his taking a letter to the +post. <em>Mr. Nibble</em> declines performing so undignified a +service, in the most footman-like terms; but unfortunately, as it +generally happens, in families where there are pretty governesses +and gallant sons, <em>Miss de Vere</em> has a protector in the +<em>Hon. Charles Norwold</em>, who overhears her unreasonable +demand, and with a degree of injustice enough to make the entire +livery of London rave with indignation, inflicts upon his +father’s especial livery, and <em>Nibble’s</em> +illustrious person, a severe caning. The consequence of this +“strike” is, that <em>Nibble</em> gives warning, +<em>Lord</em> and <em>Lady Norwold</em> are paralysed at this +important resignation; for by it they discover that a secret +coalition has taken place between their son and the +governess—they are man and wife! Good heavens! the heir of +all the Norwolds marry a teacher, who has nothing to recommend her +but virtue, talent, and beauty! Monstrous!—“What will +the world say?”</p> +<p>The treaty formed between <em>Mistress Tattle</em> and <em>Mr. +Pye Hilary</em> is in the next act being acted upon. We behold +<em>Captain Tarradiddle</em>, as one of the high contracting +parties’ ambassador, taking lodgings in a house exactly +opposite to that in which <em>Miss Mayley</em> resides. Of course +nothing so natural as that the Captain should indulge his friend +with a visit for a few days, or, if possible, for a few weeks. It +is also natural that the host, under the circumstances, should wish +to know something of the birth, parentage, and education of his +guest, of which, though an old acquaintance; he is, as yet, +entirely ignorant. Now, if it be possible to affront a real sponge +(but there is nothing more difficult), such inquiries are likely to +produce that happy consummation. <em>Tarradiddle</em>, however, +gets over the difficulty with the tact peculiar to his class, and +is fortunately interrupted by the announcement that <em>Tattle</em> +is in the parlour, duly keeping her agreement, by bringing her +mistress’s favourite canary, which, having flown away quite +by accident, under her guidance, has chosen to perch in +<em>Hilary’s</em> new lodging, on purpose to give him the +opportunity of returning it, and of obtaining an interview with +<em>Miss Mayley</em>. The expedient succeeds in the next scene; the +lover bows and stammers—as lovers do at first +interviews—the lady is polite but dignified, and +<em>Tarradiddle</em>, who has been angling for an invitation, has +his hopes entirely put to flight by the entrance of the +lady’s guardian, <em>Mr. Warner</em>, who very promptly cuts +matters short by ringing the bell and saying “Good +evening,” in that tone of voice which always intimates a +desire for a good riddance. This hint is too broad ever to be +mistaken; so the sponge and his victim back out.</p> +<p><em>Mr. Warner</em> is a merchant, and all merchants in plays +are the “noblest characters the world can boast,” and +very rich. Thus it has happened that <em>Warner</em> has, through a +money-agent, one <em>Grub</em>, been enabled to lend, at various +times, large sums of money, to <em>Lady Norwold</em>—her +ladyship being one of those who, dreading “what will the +world say?” is by no means an economist, and prefers +“ruin to retrenchment.” As security for these loans, +the lady deposits her jewels, suite by suite, till the great object +of all <em>Warner’s</em> advances gets into his +possession—namely, a bracelet, which is a revered relic of +the Norwold family. So far <em>Warner</em>, in spite of a +troublesome ward, and his late visitors, is happy; but he soon +receives a letter, which puts his happiness to flight. His +daughter, who has been on a visit in Paris, became, he now learns, +united some months before, to <em>Charles Norwold</em>, and a +governess in his father’s family. By further inquiries, he +learns that the son is discarded, and is, with his wife, consigned +to beggary, for fear of—“what will the world +say?”</p> +<p>The fourth act exhibits one of the scenes of human life hitherto +veiled from the eyes of the most prying—a genuine specimen of +the sponge species—at home! Actually living under a roof that +he calls his own; in company with a wife who is certainly nobody +else’s. She is ironing—<em>Tarradiddle</em> is smoking, +and, like all smokers, philosophising. Here we learn the +<em>Honourable Charles Norwold</em> and his wife have taken +lodgings; hither they are pursued by <em>Hilary</em>, who has +managed to ingratiate himself with <em>Warner</em>, and undertaken +to trace the merchant’s lost daughter; here, to +<em>Pye’s</em> astonishment, he finds his friend and sponge. +Some banter ensues, not always agreeable to the Captain, but all +ends very pleasantly by the entrance of <em>Warner</em>, who +discovers his daughter, and becomes a father-in-law with a good +grace.</p> +<p>The denouement is soon told:—<em>Warner</em>, having +received his daughter and her husband, gives a party at which +<em>Lady</em>, and afterwards <em>Lord Norwold</em>, are present. +Here Warner’s anxiety to obtain the bracelet is explained. He +reminds his lordship that he once accused his elder brother of +stealing that very bauble; and the consequence was, that the +accused disappeared, and was never after heard of. <em>Warner</em> +avows himself to be that brother, but declines disturbing the +rights or property of his lordship, if he will again receive his +son. This is, of course, done. <em>Hilary</em> jokes himself into +<em>Miss Mayley’s</em> good graces, and <em>Tarradiddle</em>, +in all the glories of a brown coat, and an outrageously fine +waistcoat, enters to make the scene complete, and to help to speak +the tag, in which all the characters have a hand; Mrs. Glover +ending by making a propitiatory appeal to the audience in favour of +the author, who ought to be very grateful to her for the +captivating tones in which she asked for an affirmative answer to +the question—</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>“What will the world say?”</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>Circumstances prevent us from giving any opinion whatever, +except upon the scenery, the appointments, and the acting. The +first is beautiful—the second appropriate and +splendid—the last natural, pointed, and in good taste.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<h3>SIBTHORPIANA.</h3> +<p>A clergyman was explaining to the gallant officer the meaning of +the phrase “born again;” but it was quite +unintelligible to Sib., who remarked that he knew no one who could +<em>bear</em> him even once.</p> +<p>“Do you read the notice to correspondents in PUNCH?” +quoth Sib.—“I do,” replied Hardinge, “and I +wonder people should send them such +trash.”—“Pooh!” retorted the +punster—“Pooh! you know that wherever PUNCH is to be +found, there are always plenty of <em>spoons</em> after +it.”</p> +<p>“It’s a wonder you’re not drunk,” said +Sibthorp to Wieland—“a great wonder, because—do +you give it up?—Because you’re <em>a tumbler full of +spirits</em>.”</p> +<hr /> +<h3>CURIOUS AMBIGUITY.</h3> +<p>The correspondent of a London paper, writing from Sunderland +respecting the report that Lord Howick had been fired at by some +ruffian, says, with great <em>naïveté</em>, “a +gun was certainly pointed at his lordship’s head, but it is +generally believed there was nothing in it.”—We confess +we are at a loss to know whether the facetious writer alludes to +the <em>gun</em> or the <em>head</em>.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>THE THORNY PREMIER.</h3> +<p>A Tory evening paper tells its readers that Sir Robert Peel +expects a harassing opposition from the late ministry, but that he +is prepared for them on <em>all points</em>. This reminds us of the +defensive expedient of the hedgehog, which, conscious of its +weakness, rolls itself into a ball, to be prepared for its +assailants on <em>all points</em>.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>TO PROFESSORS OF LANGUAGES WHO GIVE LONG CREDIT AND TAKE SMALL +PAY.</h3> +<p>Mister F. &c. &c. &c. Bayley is anxious to treat for +a course of lessons in the purest Irish. None but such as will +conceal a West Indian patois will be of the slightest use. For +particulars, and cards to view, apply to Mr. Catnach, Music and +Marble Warehouse, Seven-dials.</p> +<hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +1, October 2, 1841, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14930-h.htm or 14930-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/9/3/14930/ + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG +Online Distributed Proofreading + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, October 2, 1841 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14930] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG +Online Distributed Proofreading + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 1. + + + +FOR THE WEEK ENDING OCTOBER 2, 1841. + + * * * * * + + +THE TIPTOES. + +A SKETCH. + + "The Wrongheads have been a considerable family ever since England + was England." + + VANBRUGH. + +[Illustration: M]Morning and evening, from every village within three or +four miles of the metropolis, may be remarked a tide of young men wending +diurnal way to and from their respective desks and counters in the city, +preceded by a ripple of errand-boys, and light porters, and followed by an +ebb of plethoric elderly gentlemen in drab gaiters. Now these individuals +compose--for the most part--that particular, yet indefinite class of +people, who call themselves "gentlemen," and are called by everybody else +"persons." They are a body--the advanced guard--of the "Tiptoes;" an army +which invaded us some thirty years ago, and which, since that time, has +been actively and perseveringly spoiling and desolating our modest, quiet, +comfortable English homes, turning our parlours into "boudoirs," ripping +our fragrant patches of roses into fantastic "parterres," covering our +centre tables with albums and wax flowers, and, in short (for these +details pain us), stripping our nooks and corners of the welcome warm air +of pleasant homeliness, which was wont to be a charm and a privilege, to +substitute for it a chilly gloss--an unwholesome straining after effect--a +something less definite in its operation than in its result, which is +called--gentility. + +To have done with simile. Our matrons have discovered that luxury is +specifically cheaper than comfort (and they regard them as independent, if +not incompatible terms); and more than this, that comfort is, after all, +but an irrelevant and dispensable corollary to gentility, while luxury is +its main prop and stay. Furthermore, that improvidence is a virtue of such +lustre, that itself or its likeness is essential to the very existence of +respectability; and, by carrying out this proposition, that in order to +make the least amount of extravagance produce the utmost admiration and +envy, it is desirable to be improvident as publicly as possible; the means +for such expenditure being gleaned from retrenchments in the home +department. Thus, by a system of domestic alchemy, the education of the +children is resolved into a vehicle; a couple of maids are amalgamated +into a man in livery; while to a single drudge, superintended and aided by +the mistress and elder girls, is confided the economy of the pantry, from +whose meagre shelves are supplied supplementary blondes and kalydors. + +Now a system of economy which can induce a mother to "bring up her +children at home," while she regards a phaeton as absolutely necessary to +convey her to church and to her tradespeople, and an annual visit to the +sea-side as perfectly indispensable to restore the faded complexions of +Frances and Jemima, ruined by late hours and hot cream, may be considered +open to censure by the philosopher who places women (and girls, _i.e._ +unmarried women) in the rank of responsible or even rational creatures. +But in this disposition he would be clearly wrong. Before venturing to +define the precise capacity of either an individual or a class, their own +opinion on the subject should assuredly be consulted; and we are quite +sure that there is not one of the lady Tiptoes who would not recoil with +horror from the suspicion of advancing or even of entertaining an idea--it +having been ascertained that everything original (sin and all) is quite +inconformable with the feminine character--unless indeed it be a method of +finding the third side of a turned silk--or of defining that zero of +fortune, to stand below which constitutes a "detrimental." + +The Misses Tiptoe are an indefinite number of young ladies, of whom it is +commonly remarked that some may have been pretty, and others may, +hereafter, be pretty. But they never _are_ so; and, consequently, they are +very fearful of being eclipsed by their dependents, and take care to +engage only ill-favoured governesses, and (but 'tis an old pun) very plain +cooks. The great business of their lives is fascination, and in its +pursuit they are unremitting. It is divided in distinct departments, among +the sisters; each of whom is characterised at home by some laudatory +epithet, strikingly illustrative of what they would like to be. There is +Miss Tiptoe, such an amiable girl! that is, she has a large mouth, and a +Mallan in the middle of it. There is Jemima, "who enjoys such delicate +health "--_that_ is, she has no bust, and wears a scarf. Then there is +Grace, who is all for evening rambles, and the "Pilgrim of Love;" and +Fanny, who can _not_ help talking; and whom, in its turn, talking +certainly cannot help. They are remarkable for doing a little of +everything at all times. Whether it be designing on worsted or on +bachelors--whether concerting overtures musical or matrimonial; the same +pretty development of the shoulder through that troublesome scarf--the +same hasty confusion in drawing it on again, and referring to the watch to +see what time it is--displays the mind ever intent on the great object of +their career. But they seldom marry (unless, in desperation, their +cousins), for they despise the rank which they affect to have quitted--and +no man of sense ever loved a Tiptoe. So they continue at home until the +house is broken up; and then they retire in a galaxy to some provincial +Belle Vue-terrace or Prospect-place; where they endeavour to forestall the +bachelors with promiscuous orange-blossoms and maidenly susceptibilities. +We have characterised these heart-burning efforts after "station," as +originating with, and maintained by, the female branches of the family; +and they are so--but, nevertheless, their influence on the young men is no +less destructive than certain. It is a fact, that, the more restraint that +is inflicted on these individuals in the gilded drawing-room at home, the +more do they crave after the unshackled enjoyment of their animal +vulgarity abroad. Their principal characteristics are a love of large +plaids, and a choice vocabulary of popular idiomatic forms of speech; and +these will sufficiently define them in the saloons of the theatres and in +the cigar divans. But they are not ever thus. By no means. At home (which +does not naturally indicate their own house), having donned their "other +waistcoat" and their pin (emblematic of a blue hand grasping an egg, or of +a butterfly poised on a wheel)--pop! they are _gentlemen_. With the +hebdomadal sovereign straggling in the extreme verge of their +pockets--with the afternoon rebuke of the "principal," or peradventure of +some senior clerk, still echoing in their ears--they are GENTLEMEN. They +are desired to be such by their mother and sisters, and so they talk about +cool hundreds--and the points of horses--and (on the strength of the +dramatic criticisms in the _Satirist_) of Grisi in _Norma_, and Persiani +in _La Sonnambula_--of Taglioni and Cerito--of last season and the season +before that. + +We know not how far the readers of PUNCH may be inclined to approve so +prosy an article as this in their pet periodical; but we have ventured to +appeal to them (as the most sensible people in the country) against a +class of shallow empirics, who have managed to glide unchidden into our +homes and our families, to chill the one and to estrange the other. +Surely, surely, we were unworthy of our descent, could we see unmoved our +lovely English girls, whose modesty was wont to be equalled only by their +beauty, concentrating all their desires and their energies on a good +match; or our reverend English matrons, the pride and honour of the land, +employing themselves in the manufacture of fish-bone blanc-mange and +mucilaginous tipsy-cakes; or our young Englishmen, our hope and our +resource, spending themselves in the debasing contamination of cigars and +alcohol. + + * * * * * + + +CONDENSED PARLIAMENTARY REPORT ON THE MISCELLANEOUS ESTIMATES. + + Vide _Examiner_. + + MR. WILLIAMS--objected-- + SIR T. WILDE--vindicated-- + SIR R. PEEL--doubted-- + MR. PLUMPTRE--opposed-- + MR. VILLIERS--requested-- + MR. EWART--moved-- + MR. EASTCOURT--thought-- + MR. FERRAND--complained-- + LORD JOHN RUSSELL--wished-- + MR. AGLIONBY--was of opinion-- + MR. STEWART WORTLEY--hoped-- + MR. WAKLEY--thought-- + MR. RICE--urged-- + MR. FIELDEN--regretted-- + MR. WARD--was convinced-- + + * * * * * + + +TAKING THE HODDS. + +On a recent visit of Lord Waterford to the "Holy Land," then to sojourn in +the hostel or caravansera of the protecting _Banks_ of that classic +ground, that interesting young nobleman adopted, as the seat of his +precedency, a Brobdignag hod, the private property of some descendant from +one of the defunct kings of Ulster; at the close of an eloquent harangue; +his lordship expressed an earnest wish that he should be able to continue + +[Illustration: GOING IT LIKE BRICKS--] + +a hope instantly gratified by the stalwart proprietor, who, wildly +exclaiming, "Sit aisy!" hoisted the lordly burden on his shoulders, and +gave him the full benefit of a shilling fare in that most unusual vehicle. + + * * * * * + + +Q.E.D. + +"SIR ROBERT PEEL thinks a great deal of himself," says the _British +Critic_. "Yes," asserts PUNCH, "he is just the man to trouble himself +about trifles." + + * * * * * + + +[Illustration] + +ROEBUCK DEFYING THE "THUNDERER." + + + Roebuck was seated in his great arm chair, + Looking as senatorial and wise + As a calf's head, when taken in surprise; + A half-munch'd muffin did his fingers bear-- + An empty egg-shell proved his meal nigh o'er. + When, lo! there came a tapping at the door: + "Come in!" he cried, + And in another minute by his side + Stood John the footboy, with the morning paper, + Wet from the press. O'er Roebuck's cheek + There passed a momentary gleam of joy, + Which spoke, as plainly as a smile could speak, + "Your master's speech is in that paper, boy." + He waved his hand--the footboy left the room-- + Roebuck pour'd out a cup of Hyson bloom; + And, having sipp'd the tea and sniff'd the vapour, + Spread out the "Thunderer" before his eyes-- + When, to his great surprise, + He saw imprinted there, in black and white, + That he, THE ROE-buck--HE, whom all men knew, + Had been expressly born to set worlds right-- + That HE was nothing but a _parvenu_. + Jove! was it possible they lack'd the knowledge he + Boasted a literary and scientific genealogy! + That he had had some ancestors before him-- + (Beside the Pa who wed the Ma who bore him)-- + Men whom the world had slighted, it is true, + Because it never knew + The greatness of the genius which had lain, + Like unwrought ore, within each vasty brain; + And as a prejudice exists that those + Who never do disclose + The knowledge that they boast of, seldom have any, + Each of his learned ancestors had died, + By an ungrateful world belied, + And dubb'd a Zany. + That HE should be + Denied a pedigree! + Appeared so monstrous in this land of freedom, + He instantly conceived the notion + To go down to the House and make a motion, + That all men had a right to those who breed 'em. + + * * * * * + + Behold him in his seat, his face carnation, + Just like an ace of hearts, + Not red and white in parts, + But one complete illumination. + He rises--members blow their noses, + And cough and hem! till one supposes, + A general catarrh prevails from want of ventilation. + He speaks:-- + Mr. Speaker, Sir, in me you see + A member of this house (_hear, hear_), + With whose proud pedigree + The "Thunderer" has dared to interfere. + Now I implore, + That Lawson may be brought upon the floor, + And beg my pardon on his bended knees. + In whatsoever terms I please. + _(Oh! oh!) + (No! no!)_ + I, too, propose, + To pull his nose: + No matter if the law objects or not; + And if the printer's nose cannot be got, + The small proboscis of the printer's devil + Shall serve my turn for language so uncivil! + The "Thunderer" I defy, + And its vile lie. + (As Ajax did the lightning flash of yore.) + I likewise move this House requires-- + No, that's too complimentary--desires, + That Mr. Lawson's brought upon the floor. + The thing was done: + The house divided, and the Ayes were--ONE! + + * * * * * + + +EXPRESS FROM WINDSOR. + +Last evening a most diabolical, and, it is to be regretted successful, +attempt, was made to kiss the Princess Royal. It appears that the Royal +Babe was taking an airing in the park, reclining in the arms of her +principal nurse, and accompanied by several ladies of the court, who were +amusing the noble infant by playing rattles, when a man of ferocious +appearance emerged from behind some trees, walked deliberately up to the +noble group, placed his hands on the nurse, and bent his head over the +Princess. The Honourable Miss Stanley, guessing the ruffian's intention, +earnestly implored him to kiss her instead, in which request she was +backed by all the ladies present.[1] He was not, however, to be frustrated +in the attempt, which no sooner had he accomplished, than he hurried off +amidst the suppressed screams of the ladies. The Royal Infant was +immediately carried to the palace, where her heart-rending cries attracted +the attention of her Majesty, who, on hurrying to the child, and hearing +the painful narration, would, in the burst of her maternal affection, have +kissed the infant, had not Sir J. Clarke, who was fortunately present, +prevented her so doing. + + [1] This circumstance alone must at once convince every + unprejudiced person of the utter falsity of the reports + (promulgated by certain interested parties) of the disloyalty + of the Tory ladies, when we see several dames placed in the + most imminent danger, yet possessing sufficient presence of + mind to offer _lip-service_ to their sovereign.--EDITOR. _Morn. + Post_. + +Dr. Locock was sent for from town, who, immediately on his arrival at +Windsor, held a conference with Sir J. Clarke, and a basin of pap was +prepared by them, which being administered to the Royal Infant, produced +the most satisfactory results. + +We are prohibited from stating the measures taken for the detection of the +ruffian, lest their disclosure should frustrate the ends of justice. + + * * * * * + + +A ROYAL DUCK. + +His Royal Highness Prince Albert, during the sojourn of the Court at +Windsor Castle, became, by constant practice in the Thames, so expert a +swimmer, that, with the help of a cork jacket, he could, like Jones of the +celebrated firm of "Brown, Jones, and Robinson," swim "anywhere over the +river." Her Majesty, however, with true conjugal regard for the safety of +the royal duck, never permitted him to venture into the water without + +[Illustration: A COMPANION OF THE BATH.] + + * * * * * + + +HIGH LIFE BELOW STAIRS. + +Michelly, of the _Morning Post_, was boasting to Westmacott of his +intimate connexion with the aristocracy. "The _area_-stocracy, more +likely," replied the ex-editor of the _Argus_. + + * * * * * + + +GREAT ANNUAL MICHAELMAS JUBILEE. + +MAGNIFICENT CELEBRATION OF GOOSE-DAY. + +How often are we--George Stephens-like--to be called upon to expend our +invaluable breath in performing Eolian operations upon our own cornopean! +Here have we, at an enormous expense and paralysing peril, been obliged to +dispatch our most trusty and well-beloved reporter, to the fens in +Lincolnshire, stuffed with brandy, swathed in flannel, and crammed with +jokes; from whence he, at the cost of infinite pounds, unnumbered +rheumatisms, and a couple of agues, caught, to speak vulgarly, "in a brace +of shakes," has forwarded us the following authentic account of the august +proceedings which took place in that county on the anniversary of the great +St. Michaelmas. + + +FROM OUR OWN CORRESPONDENT. + +_Tuesday night_.--Depths of the fens--just arrived--only time to state all +muck--live eels and festivity--Sibthorp in extra force--betting 6 to 4 +"he cooks everybody's goose"--no takers--D'Israeli says it's a gross want +of sympathy--full account to-morrow--expect rare doings--must +conclude--whrr-rh-h--tertian coming on--promises great shakes. + +I am, sincerely and shiveringly, + +YOUR OWN CORRESPONDENT. + + +_Wednesday morning_.--The day dawned like a second deluge, and the various +volunteer _dramatis personae_ seemed like the spectres of the defunct +water-dogs of Sadler's Wells. An eminent tallow-chandler from the east end +of Whitechapel contracted for the dripping, and report says he found it a +very swimming speculation. Life-preservers, waterproof and washable hats, +were on the ground, which, together with Macintoshes and corks, formed a +pleasing and varied group. The grand stand was graced by several eminent +and capacious geese; nor was the infantine simplicity of numerous +promising young goslings wanting to complete the delightful _ensemble_. + +The business of the day commenced with a grand commemorative procession of +homage to the prize goose, the representative of whom, we are proud to +say, fell by election to the envied lot of the gallant, jocose, and _Joe +Miller_tary Colonel Sibthorp. + + +ORDER OF PROCESSION. + + Trumpeter in Ordinary to "all the geese," and + himself in particular, + On his extraordinary Pegasus, beautifully represented by a Jackass, + Idealised with magnificent goose's wings. + Mr. GEORGE STEPHENS, Grand Master of Hanky-panky. + Balancing on the Pons Asinorum of his Nose the Identical goose-quill + with which he indited the Wondrous Tale of Alroy, + Mr. BEN D'ISRAELI (much admired). + The great Stuffer and Crammer, bearing a stupendous dish + Of Sage and Onions, + Seated in a magnificent Sauce-boat, supported on either side by + Two fly pages bearing Apple-sauce, + And a train-bearer distributing mustard, + SIR EDWARD GEORGE ERLE LYTTON BULWER. + Grand Officiating Gravy Spoon, + A character admirably sustained, and + supported to the life, by + PETER BORTHWICK, M.P. and G.O.G.S. + Drawer and Carver-in-Chief, + Bearing some splendidly-dissected giblets, with gilt gizzard under his + right arm, and plated liver under his left, + Surgeon WAKLEY, M.P. + Hereditary Champion of the Pope's Nose, + Bearing the dismembered Relic enclosed in a beautifully-enamelled + Dutch oven, + DANIEL O'CONNELL, M.P. + The grand Prize Goose, + Reclining on a splendid willow-pattern well dish, + Colonel WALDO SIBTHORP! + Supported by CHARLES PEARSON, and Sir PETER LAURIE, + With flowery potatoes and shocking greens. + Grand Accountant-General, + With a magnificent banner, bearing an elaborate average rate of the price + _of geese_. + And the cheapest depots for the same, + JOSEPH HUME, M.P. + +This imposing procession having reached the grand kitchen, which had been +erected for the occasion, the festivities instantly commenced by the +Vice-Goose, Sir EDWARD LYTTON ERLE BULWER, proposing the health of the +gallant Chairman, the Great-grand Goose:-- + +"Mr. Chairman and prize goose,--The feelings which now agitate my +sensorium on this Michaelmasian occasion stimulate the vibratetiuncles of +the heartiean hypothesis, so as to paralyse the oracular and articulative +apparatus of my loquacious confirmation, overwhelming my soul-fraught +imagination, as the boiling streams of liquid lava, buried in one vast +cinereous mausoleum--the palace-crowded city of the engulphed Pompeii. +(_Immense cheers_.)--I therefore propose a Methusalemic elongation of the +duration of the vital principle of the presiding anserian paragon." +(_Stentorian applause, continued for half-an-hour after the rising of the +Prize Goose_) who said-- + +"Fellow Geese and Goslings,--Julius Caesar, when he laid the first stone +of the rock of Gibraltar--Mr. Carstairs, the celebrated caligrapher, when +he indited the inscription on the Rosetta stone--Cleopatra, when she +hemmed Anthony's bandanna with her celebrated needle--the Colossus of +Rhodes, when he walked and won his celebrated match against Captain +Barclay--Galileo, when he discovered and taught his grandmother the mode +of sucking eggs--could not feel prouder than I do upon the present +occasion. (_Cheers_.) These reminiscences, I can assure you, will ever +stick in my grateful gizzard." + +Here the gallant Colonel sat down, overcome by his feelings and several +glasses of Betts' best British brandy. + +Song--"Goosey, goosey gander." + +Mr. D'ISRAELI then rose, and said,--"Chair, and brethren of the quill, I +feel, in assuming the perpendicular, like the sun when sinking into his +emerald bed of western waters. Overcome by emotions mighty as the +impalpable beams of the harmonious moon's declining light, and forcibly +impressed as the trembling oak, girt with the invisible arms of the gentle +loving zephyr; the blush mantles on my cheek, deep as the unfathomed +depths of the azure ocean. I say, gentlemen, impressed as I am with a +sense--with a sense, I say, with a sense--" Here the hon. gentleman sat +down for want of a termination. + +Song--"No more shall the children of Judah sing." + +Mr. PETER BORTHWICK (having corked himself a handsome pair of mustachios), +next rose, and said,--"Most potent, grave, and reverend signors, and Mr. +Chairman,--if it were done, when 'tis done, then 'twere well it were done +quickly'--in rising to drink--'my custom always of an afternoon'--the +health of Sir Peter Laurie, and whom I can ask, in the language of the +immortal bard, 'where gottest thou that goose look,' I can only say, 'had +Heaven made me such another,' I would not"-- Then Peter Borthwick sat +down, evidently indisposed, exclaiming--"The drink, Hamlet, the drink!!!" + +Here our reporter left the meeting, who were vociferously chanting, by way +of grace, previous to the attack on the "roast geese," the characteristic +anthem of the "King of the Cannibal Islands." + + * * * * * + + +DYER IGNORANCE. + +It has been rumoured that Mr. Bernal, the new member, has been for some +weeks past suffering from a severe attack of scarlet fever, caused by his +late unparliamentary conduct in addressing the assembled legislators +as--gentlemen. We are credibly informed that this unprecedented piece of +ignorance has had the effect, as Shakspere says, of + +[Illustration: "MAKING THE GREEN ONE RED."--_Macbeth_.] + + * * * * * + + +MAKING A COMPOSITION WITH ONE'S ANCESTORS. + +Roebuck, the ex-attorney, and member for Bath, who has evinced a most +commendable love of his parents, from his great-grandfather upwards, +seeing the utter impossibility of carrying through the "whole hog" +conviction of their respectability, and finding himself in rather an +awkward "fix," on the present occasion begs to inform the editor of the +_Times_, that he will be most happy to accept a compromise, on their +literary and scientific attainments, at the very reasonable rate of + +[Illustration: SIX-AND-EIGHTPENCE IN THE POUND.] + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH'S HISTRIONIC READINGS IN HISTORY. + +NO. 1.--ENGLAND. + +Of the early history of England nothing is known. It was, however, invaded +by the _Normans_; but whether they were any relations of the once +celebrated _Norman_ the pantaloon, we have no authentic record. The +kingdom had at one time seven kings--two of whom were probably the two +well-known kings of Brentford. Perhaps, also, the king of Little Britain +made a third; while old king Cole may have constituted a fourth; thus +leaving only a trifling balance of three to be accounted for. + +Alfred the Great is supposed to have been originally a baker, from his +having undertaken the task of watching the cakes in the neat-herd's oven; +and Edward the Black Prince was probably a West Indian, who found his way +to our hospitable shores at an early period. + +We now come to King John, who ascended the throne after putting out his +nephew's eyes with a pair of curling-irons, and who is the first English +Sovereign who attempted to write his own name; for the scrawl is evidently +something more than his mark, which is attached to Magna Charta. + +We need say nothing of Richard the Third, with whom all our play-going +friends are familiar, and who made the disgraceful offer, if Shakspeare is +to be believed, of parting with the whole kingdom for a horse, though it +does not appear that the disreputable bargain was ever completed. + +The wars of York and Lancaster, which, though not exactly _couleur de +rose_, were on the subject of white and red roses (that is to say, China +and cabbage), united the crown in the person of Henry the Seventh, known +to the play-going public as the Duke of Richmond, and remarkable for +having entered the country by the Lincolnshire fens; for he talks of +having got into "the bowels of the land" immediately on his arrival. + +Henry the Eighth, as everybody knows, was the husband of seven wives, and +gave to Mr. Almar (the Sadler's Wells Stephens) the idea of his beautiful +dramatic poem of the Wife of Seven Husbands. + +Elizabeth's reign is remarkable for having produced a mantle which is worn +at the present day, it having been originally made for one Shakspeare; but +it is now worn by Mr. George Stephens, for whom, however, it is a palpable +misfit, and it sits upon him most awkwardly. + +Charles the First had his head cut off, and Mr. Cathcart acted him so +naturally in Miss Mitford's play that one would have thought the monarch +was entirely without a head all through the tragedy. + +Cromwell next obtained the chief authority. This man was a brewer, who did +not think "small beer" of himself, and inundated his country with "heavy +wet," in the shape of tears, for a long period. + +Charles the Second, well known as the merry monarch, is remarkable only +for his profligacy, and for the number of very bad farces in which he has +been the principal character. His brother James had a short reign, but not +a merry one. He is the only English sovereign who may be said to have +_amputated his bludgeon_; which, if we were speaking of an ordinary man +and not a monarch, we should have rendered by the familiar phrase of "cut +his stick," a process which was soon performed by his majesty. + +The crown now devolved upon William and Mary, upon whom half-a crown +a-piece was thus settled by the liberality of Parliament. William was +_Prince of Orange_, a descendant probably of the great King _Pippin_. + +Anne of Denmark comes next on our list, but of her we shall say nothing; +and as the Georges who followed her are so near own time, we shall +observe, with regard to them, an equally impenetrable mystery. + + * * * * * + + +WAR TO THE NAIL. + +The _British Critic_, the high church, in fact, steeple Tory journal, +tells its readers, "if we strike out the first person of Robert's +speeches, ay, out of his whole career, they become a rope untwisted," &c. +&c. &c. This excited old lady is evidently anxious to disfigure the head +of the government, by scratching Sir Robert Peel's I's out. + + * * * * * + + +MOLAR AND INCISOR. + +Muntz, in rigging Wakley upon the late article in the _Examiner_, likening +the member for Finsbury, in his connexion with Sir Robert Peel, "to the +bird which exists by picking the crocodile's teeth," jocularly remarked, +"Well, I never had any body to pick my teeth." "I should think not, or +they would have chosen a much better set." + + * * * * * + + +TWENTY POUNDS. + +READER, did you ever want twenty pounds? You have--you have!--I see it--I +know it! Nay, never blush! Your hand--your hand! + +READER.--Sir, I-- + +Silence!--nonsense--stuff; don't, don't prevaricate--own it as I do,--own +it and rejoice. + +READER.--Really, sir, this conduct-- + +Is strange. Granted; don't draw back; come, a cordial gripe. We are +friends; we have both suffered from the same cause. There, that's +right--honest palm to palm. Now, how say you--have you ever wanted twenty +pounds? + +READER.--Frankly, then, I have. + +Mind to mind, as hand to hand. Have you felt as I did? Did its want cloud +the sun, wither the grass, and blight the bud? + +READER.--It did. + +But how, marry, how? What! you decline confession--so you may--I'll be +more explicit. I was abroad, far from my "father-land"--there's a magic in +the word!--the turf we've played on, the hearts we love, the graves we +venerate--all, all combine to concentrate its charm. + +READER.--You are digressing. + +Thank you, I am; but I'll resume. While I could buy them, friends indeed +were plenty. Alas! prudence is seldom co-mate with youth and inexperience. +The golden dream was soon to end--end even with the yellow dross that gave +it birth. Fallacious hopes of coming "posts," averted for a time my coming +wretchedness--three weeks, and not a line! The landlord suffered from an +intermitting affection, characteristic of the "stiff-necked +generation;"--he bowed to others--galvanism could not have procured the +tithe of a salaam for me. His till was afflicted with a sort of +sinking-fundishness. I was the contractor of "the small bill," whose exact +amount would enable him to meet a "heavy payment;" my very garments were +"tabooed" from all earth's decencies; splashes seemed to have taken a +lease of the bottoms of my trousers. My boots, once objects of the +tenderest care of their unworthy namesake, seemed conscious of the change, +and drooped in untreed wretchedness, desponding at the wretched wrinkles +now ruffling the once smooth calf! My coat no more appeared to catch the +dust; as if under the influence of some invisible charm, its white-washed +elbows never struck upon the sight of the else all-seeing boots; spider +never rushed from his cell with the post-haste speed with which he issued +from his dark recess, to pick the slightest cobweb that ever harnessed +Queen Mab's team, from _other_ coats; a gnat, a wandering hair left its +location, swept by the angry brush from the broad-cloth of those who paid +their bills--as far as I was concerned--all were inoculated with this +strange blindness. It was an overwhelming ophthalmia! The chambermaid, +through its fatality, never discovered that my jugs were empty, my bottle +clothed with slimy green, my soap-dish left untenanted. A day before this +time had been sufficient service for my hand-towel; now a week seemed to +render it less fit to taste the rubs of hands and soap. Dust lost its +vice, and lay unheeded in the crammed corner of my luckless room. + +READER.--I feel for you. + +Silence! the worst is yet to come. At dinner all things changed--soup, +before too hot to drink, came to my lips cool as if the north wind had +caressed it; number was at an end; I ranked no longer like a human being; +I was a huge _ought_--a walking cypher--a vile round O. I had neither +beginning nor end. Go where I would--top, bottom, sides, 'twas all the +same. Bouilli avoided me--vegetables declined growing under my eyes--fowls +fled from me. I might as well have longed for ice-cream in +Iceland--dessert in a desert. I had no turn--I was the _last man_. +Nevertheless, dinner was a necessary evil. + +READER.--And tea? + +Was excluded from the calendar. Night came, but no rest--all things had +forgotten their office. The sheets huddled in undisturbed selfishness, +like knotted cables, in one corner of the bed; the blankets, doubtless +disgusted at their conduct, sought refuge at the foot; and the flock, like +most other flocks, without a directing hand, was scattered in disjointed +heaps. + +READER.--Did not you complain? + +I did--_imprimis_--to boots--boots scratched his head; ditto +waiter--waiter shook his; the chambermaid, strange to say, was suddenly +deaf. + +READER.--And the landlord? + +Did nothing all day; but when I spoke, was in a hurry, "going to his +ledger," Had I had as many months as hydra, that would have stopped them +all. + +READER.--You were to be _pitied_. + +I was. I rose one morning with the sun--it scorched my face, but shone +not. Nature was in her spring-time to all others, though winter to me. I +wandered beside the banks of the rapid Rhine, I saw nothing but the thick +slime that clogged them, and wondered how I could have thought them +beautiful; the pebbles seemed crushed upon the beach, the stream but added +to their lifelessness by heaping on them its dull green slime; the lark, +indeed, was singing--Juliet was right--its notes were nothing but "harsh +discords and unpleasing sharps"--a rainbow threw its varied arch across +the heavens--sadness had robbed it of its charm--it seemed a visionary +cheat--a beautiful delusion. + +READER.--I feel with you. + +I thank you. I went next day. + +READER.--What then? + +The glorious sun shed life and joy around--the clear water rushed bounding +on in glad delight to the sweet music of the scented wind--the pebbly +beach welcomed its chaste cool kiss, and smiled in freshness as it rolled +again back to its pristine bed. The buds on which I stepped, elastic with +high hope, sprung from the ground my foot had pressed them to--the lark-- + +READER.--You can say nothing new about that. + +You are right. I'll pass it, and come at once to an end. My boots stood +upright, conscious of their glare; a new spring rushed into my bottles; +Flora's sweets were witnessed in my dress; a mite, a tiny mite, might have +made progress round my room, nor found a substance larger than itself to +stop its way. My lips at dinner were scalded with the steaming soup; the +eager waiters, rushing with the choicest sauce, in dread collision met, +and soused my well-brushed coat. I was once more number one!--all things +had changed again. + +READER--Except the rainbow. + +Ay, even that. + +READER,--Indeed! how so? + +If still impalpable to the gross foot of earth, it seemed to the charmed +mind a glowing passage for the freed spirit to mount to bliss! + +READER.--May I ask what caused this difference? + +You may, and shall be answered. I had received-- + +READER.--What? + +TWENTY POUNDS! + +FUSBOS. + + * * * * * + + +CURIOSITY HUNTERS + +There is a large class of people in the world--the business of whose lives +is to hunt after and collect trifling curiosities; who go about like the +Parisian _chiffonniers_, grubbing and poking in the highways and byeways +of society, for those dearly-prized objects which the generality of +mankind would turn up their noses at as worthless rubbish. But though the +tribe of curiosity-hunters be extremely numerous, Nature, by a wise +provision, has bestowed on them various appetites, so that, in the pursuit +of their prey, they are led by different instincts, and what one seizes +with avidity, another rejects as altogether unworthy of notice. + +The varieties of the species are interminable; some of them are well +known, and need no description--such as the book-worm, the bird-stuffer, +the coin-taster, the picture-scrubber, &c.; but there are others whose +tastes are singularly eccentric: of these I may mention the snuff-box +collector, the cane-fancier, the ring-taker, the play-bill gatherer, to +say nothing of one illustrious personage, whose passion for collecting a +library of Bibles is generally known. But there is another individual of +the species that I have not yet mentioned, whose morbid pleasure in +collecting relics and memorials of the most revolting deeds of blood and +crime is too well authenticated to be discredited. I believe that this +variety, which I term "The Criminal Curiosity Hunter," is unknown to every +country in the world, except England. + +How such a horrible taste should have been engendered here, is a question +not easily solved. Physiologists are inclined to attribute it to our heavy +atmosphere, which induces gloomy thoughts and fancies; while moralists +assign as its cause, the sanguinary spirit of our laws, our brutal +exhibitions of hanging, drawing and quartering, of gibbettings, whippings, +brandings, and torturings, which degrade men's natures, and give them a +relish for scenes of blood and cruelty. + +It happened that I had occasion to call on one of those "Criminal +Curiosity Hunters" lately. He received me with extreme urbanity, and +pointing to an old-fashioned-looking arm-chair, requested me to be +seated.--I did so. + +"I suppose, sir," said he, with an air of suppressed triumph, "that you +have no idea that you are now sitting in a remarkable chair?" + +I assured him I was totally unconscious of the fact. + +"I can tell you, then," he replied, "that it was in that chair Fauntleroy, +the banker, who was hanged for forgery, was sitting when he was arrested." + +"Indeed!" + +"Fact, sir! I gave ten guineas for it. I thought also to have obtained the +night-cap in which he slept the night before his execution, but another +collector was beforehand with me, and bribed the turnkey to steal it for +him." + +"I had no idea there could be any competition for such an article," I +observed. + +"Ah! sir," said he, with a deep sigh, "you don't know the value of these +interesting relics. I have been for upwards of thirty years a collector of +them, and I have now as pretty a museum of Criminal Curiosities as you +could desire to see." + +"It seems you have been indefatigable in your pursuit," said I. + +"Yes," he replied, "when a man devotes himself to a great object, he must +go to it heart and soul. I have spared neither time nor money in _my_ +pursuit; and since I became a collector, I have attended the execution of +every noted malefactor throughout the kingdom." + +Perceiving that my attention was drawn to a common rope, which served as a +bell-pull, he said-- + +"I see you are remarking my bell-cord--that is the identical rope, sir, +which hanged Bellingham, who shot Mr. Perceval in the House of Commons. I +offered any sum for the one in which Thistlewood ended his life to match +it--but I was unfortunately disappointed; and the laws have now become so +disgracefully lenient, that I fear I shall never have an opportunity of +procuring a respectable companion rope for the other side of my +mantel-piece. And 'tis all owing to the rascally Whigs, sir--they have +swept away all our good old English customs, and deprived us of our +national recreations. I remember, sir, when Monday was called 'hanging +day' at the Old Bailey; on that morning a man might he certain of seeing +three or four criminals swung off before his breakfast. 'Tis a curious +study, sir, that of hanging--I have seen a great many people suffer in my +time: some go off as quiet as lambs, while others die very reluctantly. I +have remarked, sir, that 'tis very difficult to hang a Jew pedlar, or a +hackney-coachman--there's something obstinate in their nature that won't +let them die like other men. But, as I said before, the Whigs and +reformers have knocked up the hanging profession; and if it was not for +the suicides, which, I am happy to say, are as abundant as ever, I don't +know what we should do." + +After my friend's indignation against the anti-hanging principles of +Reform had subsided a little, he invited me to examine his curiosities, +which he had arranged in an adjoining room. + +"I have not," said he, as we were proceeding thither, "confined my +collection to objects connected with capital offenders only; it +comprehends relics of every grade of crime, from murder to petty larceny. +In that respect I am liberal, sir." + +We had now reached the door of the apartment, when my conductor, seizing +my arm suddenly, pointed to the door-mat upon which I had just set my +foot, and said, "Observe that mat, sir; it is composed of oakum picked by +the fair fingers of the late Lady Barrymore, while confined in the +Penitentiary." + +I cast a glance at this humble memorial of her late ladyship's industry, +and passed into the museum. In doing so, I happened to stumble over a +stable-bucket, which my friend affirmed was the one from which Thurtell +watered his horse on his way to Probert's cottage. Opening a drawer, he +produced a pair of dirty-looking slippers, the authentic property of the +celebrated Ikey Solomons; and along with them a pair of cotton hose, which +he assured me he had mangled with his own hands in Sarah Gale's mangle. In +another drawer he directed my attention to a short clay pipe, once in the +possession of Burke; and a tobacco-stopper belonging to Hare, the +notorious murderer. He had also preserved with great care Corder's +advertisement for a wife, written in his own hand, as it appeared in the +weekly papers, and a small fragment of a tile from the Red Barn, where +Maria Martin was murdered by the same Corder. He also possessed the fork +belonging to the knife with which some German, whose name I forget, cut +his wife's and children's throats; and a pewter half-quartern measure, +used at the Black Lion, in Wych-street, by Sixteen-string Jack. + +There were, likewise, in the collection several interesting relics of +humorous felony; such as the snuff-box of the Cock-lane ghost--the stone +thrown by Collins at William the Fourth's head--a copy of Sir Francis +Burden's speech, for which he was committed to the Tower--an odd black +silk glove, worn by Mr. Cotton, the late ordinary of Newgate--Barrington's +silver tooth-pick--and a stay-lace of Miss Julia Newman. + +These were but a small portion of the contents of the museum; but I had +seen enough to make me sick of the exhibition, and I withdrew with the +firm resolution never again, during my life, to enter the house of a +_Criminal Curiosity Hunter_. + +X. + + * * * * * + + +ECCENTRICITIES OF THE MINOR DRAMA. + +We had intended to have arranged, for the use of future syncretics, a +system of coincidences, compiled from the plots of those magnificent +soul-stirring extravaganzas produced and acted at the modern temples of +the drama--the chaste Victoria--the didactic Sadler's Wells--and the +tramontane Pavilion: but we have found the subject too vast for +comprehension, and must content ourselves with noting some of the more +exorbitant and refined instances of genius and hallucination displayed in +those mighty works. Among these the following are pre-eminent:-- + +It is a remarkable thing that mothers are always buried on the tops of +inaccessible mountains, and that, when it occurs to their afflicted +daughters to go and pray at their tombs, they generally choose a +particularly inclement night as best adapted for that purpose. It is +convenient, too, if any murder took place exactly on the spot, exactly +twenty years before, because in that case it is something agreeable to +reflect upon and allude to. + +It is remarkable that people never lie down but to dream, and that they +always dream quite to the purpose, and immediately on having done +dreaming, they wake and act upon it. + +It is remarkable that young men never know definitely whose sons they are, +and generally turn out to belong to the wrong father, and find that they +have been falling in love with their sisters, and all that sort of thing. + +N.B. Wanted, a new catastrophe for these incidents, as suicide is going +out of fashion. + +It is remarkable that whenever people are in a particular hurry to be off, +they make a point of singing a song to put themselves in spirits, and as +an effectual method of concealing their presence from their enemies, who +are always close at hand with knives. + +It is remarkable that things always go wrong until the last scene, and +then there is such hurry and bustle to get them right again, that no one +would ever believe it could be done in the time; only they know it must +be, and make up their minds to it accordingly. + +One word more. Like St. Dunstan's feet, which possessed the sacred virtue +of self-multiplication, and of which there existed three at one time, it +appears to be a prerogative of epithets of the superlative degree to +attach themselves to any number of substantives. Thus the most popular +comedian of the day is five different men--the most beautiful drama ever +produced is two farces--an opera and a tragedy--and the most decided hit +in the memory of man is the "Grecian Statues"--"The Wizard of the +Moon"--"The Devil's Daughter"--"Martinuzzi"--and "The Refuge for the +Destitute." + + * * * * * + + +THE "WELL-DRESSED" AND THE "WELL-TO-DO." + +"There has for the last few days been a smile on the face _of every +well-dressed gentleman_, and _of every well-to-do artisan_, who wend their +way along the streets of this vast metropolis. It is caused by the +opposition exhibition of Friday night in the House of Commons." + +Such is the comfortable announcement of a Tory morning paper,--the very +incarnation of spiteful imbecility. Such is the self-complacency of the +old Tory hag, that in her wildest moments would bite excessively,--if she +only had teeth. She has, however, in the very simplicity of her smirking, +let out the whole secret--has, in the sweet serenity of her satisfaction, +revealed the selfishness, the wickedness of her creed. _Toryism believes +only in the well-dressed and the well-to-do_. Purple and fine linen are +the instrumental parts of her religion. She subscribes, in fact, to +forty-three points; four meals a day being added to her Christian +Thirty-nine Articles. Her faith is in glossy raiment and a full belly. She +has such a reverence for the loaves and fishes, that in the fulness of her +devotion, she would eat them--as the author of the _Almanach des +Gourmands_ advises the epicure to eat a certain exquisite dainty--"on her +knees." She would die a martyr at the fire;--but then it must be lighted +in the kitchen. + +The parliamentary exhibition which, according to the _Sycorax_ of +Toryism--a _Sycorax_ with double malice, but no potency--has set all the +well-dressed and well-to-do part of "this vast metropolis" off in one +simultaneous simper, took place on the following motion made by Mr. +FIELDEN:-- + +"Resolved,--That the distress of the working people at the present time is +so great through the country, but particularly in the manufacturing +districts, that it is the duty of this House to make instant inquiry into +the cause and extent of such distress, and devise means to remedy it; and, +at all events, to vote no supply of money until such inquiry be +made."--(Hear, hear.) + +This motion was negatived by 149 to 41; and it is to this negative that, +according to the avowal of our veracious contemporary, we owe the radiant +looks that have lighted up the streets of London for the past few days. In +the same sense of the writer, but in the better words of the chorus of +_Tom Thumb_-- + + "Nature seemed to wear a universal grin!" + +It being always premised and settled that the term nature only comprehends +the people with sleek coats and full stomachs. Nature abhors a +vacuum,--therefore has nought to do with empty bellies. Happy are the men +whose fate, or better philosophy, has kept them from the turnips and the +heather--fortunate mortals, who, banned from the murder of partridges and +grouse, have for the last few days of our contemporary, been dwellers in +merry London! What exulting faces! What crowds of well-dressed, well-fed +_Malvolios_, "smiling" at one another, though not cross-gartered! To a man +prone to ponder on that many-leaved, that scribbled, blurred and blotted +volume, the human face,--that mysterious tome printed with care, with +cunning and remorse,--that thing of lies, and miseries, and hypocritic +gladness,--that volume, stained with tears, and scribbled over and over +with daily wants, and daily sufferings, and daily meannesses;--to such a +reader who, from the hieroglyphic lines of feigned content, can translate +the haggard spirit and the pining heart,--to such a man too often +depressed and sickened by the contemplation of the carnivorous faces +thronging the streets of London--faces that look as if they deemed the +stream of all human happiness flowed only from the Mint,--to such a man, +how great the satisfaction, how surpassing the enjoyment of these "last +few days!" As with the Thane of Cawdor, every man's face has been a book; +but, alas! luckier than _Macbeth_, that book has been--_Joe Miller!_ + +Every well-dressed gentleman has smiled, but then the source of his +satisfaction has been the rags fluttering on the human carcases in the +manufacturing districts. Every well-to-do artisan has wended his way along +the streets showing his teeth, but then at his own sweet will he can +employ those favoured instruments on roast or boiled: hence his smile for +those who, gifted with the like weapons, bear them as men bear court +swords, for ornament, not use. Alas! the smirk of the well-dressed may be +struck into blank astonishment by the fluttering of rags--by a standard of +tatters borne by a famine-maddened myriad; the teeth of the dragon want +may be sown, and the growth may, as of old, be armed men. + +Yet can we wonder at the jocoseness of those arrayed in lawn and +broad-cloth--can we marvel at the simper of the artisan fresh from his +beef and pudding, solaced with tobacco and porter? Surely not; for the +smile breaks under the highest patronage; nay, even broad grins would have +the noblest warranty, for his Grace the Duke of Wellington has pronounced +rags to be the livery only of wilful idleness--has stamped on the +withering brow of destitution the brand of the drunkard. Therefore, clap +your hands to your pulpy sides, oh well-dressed, well-to-do London, and +disdaining the pettiness of a simper, laugh an ogre's laugh at the rags of +Manchester--grin like a tickled Polyphemus at the hunger of Bolton! + +Our babbling, anile friend, in the very looseness of her prating has let +out the truth. Or rather--a common custom with her--she has talked in her +sleep. Her very weakness has, however, given a point to her revelation. + + "Diamonds dart their brightest lustre, + _from a palsy-shaken head_!" + +In the midst of her snores she has but revealed the plot entered into +between those most respectable conspirators, Broad Cloth and Beef, against +those old offenders, those incorrigible miscreants, Rags and Want! The +confederacy is, to be sure, older than the crucified thieves; but then it +has not been so undisguisedly avowed. Broad Cloth has, on the contrary, +affected a sympathy with tatters, though with a constancy of purpose has +refused an ell from its trailing superfluity to solace the wretchedness; +the tears of Beef dropt on the lank abdomen of Starvation, are ancient as +post diluvian crocodiles.--but it has spared no morsel to the object of +its hypocritic sorrow. Now, however, even the decency of deceit is to be +dropt, and Broad Cloth is to make sport with the nakedness of the land, +and merry Beef is to roar like the bulls of Bashan at the agonies of +famine! + +As the winter approaches we are promised increasing sources of amusement +from the manufacturing districts. What sunny faces will break though the +fogs of November--what giggling will drown the cutting blasts of January! +Eschewing the wise relaxation of pantomimes, we shall be taught to consult +the commercial reports in the newspapers as the highest and fullest source +of salutary laughter. How we shall simper when mills are stopped--how crow +with laughter when whole factories are silent and deserted! How +reader--(for we acknowledge none who are not well-dressed and +well-to-do)--how you will scream with joy when banks break!--and how +consult the list of bankrupts as the very spirit and essence of the most +consummate fun. Insolvency shall henceforth be synonymous with +repartee--and compositions with creditors practical _bons mots_. + +Oh! reader--(but mind, you _must_, we say, to be our reader, be +well-dressed and well-to-do; for though we owe the very paper beneath your +eye to rags, we trust we are sufficiently in the mode to laugh +contemptuously at such abominations)--oh! reader, quit your lighter +recreations; seek not for merriment in fictitious humour; it is a poor, +unsatisfactory diet, weak and watery; but find substantial drollery from +the fluttering of tatters--laugh, and with the crowing joy, grow sleek and +lusty at the writhings and the lamentations of want! + +We have, however, a recent benevolent instance of the political and social +power of dress--an instance gathered from the Court of Spain. The organ +(or rather barrel-organ of Toryism, for it has only a set number of tunes) +which played our opening quotation, also grinds the following:-- + +"The Regent Espartero, and the tutor Arguelles, are doing all in their +power to keep the young Queen and the Infanta _in good humour_, +encouraging the Princesses in many little indulgences suitable to their +age and sex, _especially in the article of dress_, in which their royal +mother was more than inattentive. _This line of conduct_, coupled with the +expected arrival of the Infant, Don Francisco de Paula and his family, who +are to be received with every mark of respect, indicates that the present +rulers of Spain, aware of their critical situation, wish to strengthen +themselves by the support of the great majority of the royal family." + +Thus, if the royal family of Spain have an excess of courtesy and +benevolence towards the people, such blessings will drop upon them from +the fringed petticoats of the little sovereign. Thus curiously considered, +may we not trace a bounteous political measure to the lace veil of a +Queen, and find a great national benefit in the toe of a slipper? + +Happy Spaniards! Give fine clothes to _your_ rulers, and they yearn with +benevolence towards the donors. _They_ do not walk about the streets of +Madrid, smiling in the strength of their wardrobe at the nakedness of +those who have subscribed the bravery. Oh, ye "well-dressed gentlemen," +and oh, ye "well-to-do artisans!"--be instructed by the new petticoats of +Queen Isabella, and smile no at rags and famine. + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH'S PENCILLINGS.--No. XII. + + +[Illustration: THE TORY PEACOCKS AND THE FINSBURY DAW.] + + * * * * * + + +TRANSACTIONS OF THE GEOLOGICAL SOCIETY OF HOOKHAM-CUM-SNIVEY. + +There is not a more interesting science than geology, which, as our +readers are aware, treats principally of mud and minerals. The association +at Hookham-cum-Snivey has been very active during the summer, and may be +said to have been up to its knees in dirt and filth, gravel and gypsum, +coal, clay and conglomerate, for a very considerable period. + +It having been determined to open a sewer where the old Hookham-road meets +with the ancient Roman footpath at Snivey, the junction of which gives +name to the modern town, the Geological Association passed a strong +resolution, in which it was asserted, that the opportunity had at length +arrived for solving the great doubt that had long perplexed the minds of +the inhabitants as to whether the soil in the neighbourhood was +crustaceous or carboniferous. The _crusta_ceous party had been long +triumphing in the fact, that a mouldy piece of bread had been found at two +feet below the surface, when digging for the foundation of a swing erected +in a garden in the neighbourhood; but the _carboni_ferous enthusiasts had +been thrown into ecstacies, by the sexton having come upon a regular +_strata_ of undoubted cinders, in clearing out a piece of ground at the +back of the parson's residence. Some evil-disposed persons had the malice +to say that the spot had been formerly the site of a subsequently-filled-up +dusthole; but the _crusta_ceous party, depending as they did upon a single +piece of bread--_all crumb_ too--however genuine, could not be said to +have so much to go upon as the _carboni_ferous section, with their heap of +cinders, the latter being large in quantity, though of doubtful authority. + +However, the opening of the sewer was looked forward to with intense +interest, as being calculated to decide the great question, and all the +principal geologists were on the spot several hours before operations +commenced, for the purpose of inspecting the surface of the ground before +it was disturbed by the spade and pickaxe of the labourer. + +It was found that the earth consisted of an outer coat of dust, amongst +which were several stones, varying in size, with here and there a bone +picked exceedingly clean, and evidently belonging to a sheep; all of which +facts gave promise of most gratifying results to the true lover of +geology. At length the labourer came in sight, and was greeted with loud +cheers from the crustaceous party, which were ironically echoed by the +disciples of the carboniferous school, and a most significant "hear, +hear," proceeded from an active partisan of the latter class, when the +first stroke of the pickaxe proclaimed the commencement of an operation +upon which so much was known to depend for the interests of geology. The +work had proceeded for some time amid breathless interest, interrupted +only by sneers, cheers, jeers, and cries of "Oh, oh!" or "No, no!" As the +throwing up of a shovelful of earth excited the hopes of one party, or the +fears of the other, when a hard substance was struck upon, which caused a +thrilling sensation among the bystanders. The pressure of the geologists, +all eager to inspect the object that had created so much curiosity, could +hardly be restrained, and the president was thrown, with great violence, +into the hole that had been dug, from which he was pulled with +extraordinary strength of body, and presence of mind, by the honorary +treasurer. + +The hard substance was found to consist of a piece of iron, of which it +appeared a vein, or rather an artery, ran both backwards and forwards from +the spot where it was first discovered. The confusion was at its height, +for it was supposed a mine had been discovered, and a long altercation +ensued; the town-clerk claiming it in the name of the lord of the manor, +while the beadle, with a confused idea about mines being royal property, +leaped into the hole, and, in the Queen's name, took possession of +everything. A desperate struggle ensued, in which several geologists were +laid straight upon the _strata_, and were converted into secondary +deposits on the surface of the earth; when the lamplighter, coming by, +recognised the hard iron substance as the large main of the Equitable +Company. It became therefore necessary to relinquish any further +investigation on the spot originally chosen, and the matter was postponed +to another day, so that the great crustaceous and carboniferous question +remains exactly where it did, to the great injury of the harmony and good +feeling that has never yet prevailed, though it is hoped it some time or +other may prevail, among the inhabitants. + +But though public investigation of geological truth is for a time at a +stand-still, we are glad to be able to record the following remarkable +instance of private enterprise:-- + +A very active member of the association--the indefatigable Mr. +Grubemup--determined to leave no stone unturned for the purpose of making +observations, went out, attended by a single assistant, and made a +desperate attempt to turn the mile-stone in the Kensington-road, in the +hope of finding some geological facts at the bottom of it. After several +hours' labour before day-break, to avoid interruption from the police, he +succeeded in introducing the point of a pickaxe beneath the base of the +stone; and eventually he had the satisfaction of removing it from its +position, when he made the following geological observations:--He found a +primary deposit of dark soil, and, on putting his spectacles to his eyes, +he distinctly detected a common worm in a state of high salubrity. This +clearly proved to him that there must formerly have been a direct +communication between Hookham-cum-Snivey and the town of Kensington, for +the worm found beneath the milestone exactly resembled one now in the +Hookham-cum-Snivey Museum, and which is known as the _vermis communis_, or +earth-worm, and which has always excited considerable interest among the +various visitors. Mr. Grubemup, encouraged by this highly satisfactory +result, proceeded to scratch up with his thumb-nail a portion of the soil, +and his geological enterprise was speedily rewarded by a fossil of the +most interesting character. Upon close inspection it proved to be a highly +crystallised rat's-tail, from which the geologist inferred that there were +rats on the Kensington-road at a much earlier period than milestones. We +have not heard that the ingenious gentleman carried his examination +further, but in the present state of geology, any contribution to the +science, however small, will be thankfully received by the +knowledge-loving community. + + * * * * * + + +LAYS OF THE "BEAU MONDE." + +BY THE EDITOR OF THE MORNING POST. + + I saw at Lord George's _rout_, + Amid a blaze of _ton_; + And such a _tournure_ ne'er "came out" + For Maradon Carson! + For who that mark'd that sylph-like grace + That full Canova hip, + That robe of rich Chantilly lace, + That faultless satin slip, + Could doubt that she would be _the belle_ + To make a thousand waistcoats swell? + + I saw her seated by my lord, + As _joli comme un ange_; + She took some _pate perigord_. + And after that _blanc mange_: + A glass of Moyse's pink champagne + Lent lustre to _ses eux_. + And then--I heard a Grisian strain-- + It was her sweet _adieux_; + And I--my friend the butler sought, + To slake with stout each burning thought. + + * * * * * + + +METROPOLITAN IMPROVEMENTS. + +It is at length decided that Aldgate pump is to be painted, but the vestry +have not yet determined what the colour is to be. It is thought, to suit +the diversity of opinions in the parish cabinet, that it will be painted +in a harlequin pattern. + +It is seriously contemplated to attempt the removal of the ancient "Hot +Codlings" stand from the west-end of Temple Bar. The old woman who at +present occupies the premises is resolved to resist to the utmost so +unjust an aggression. + +The Corporation of the City of London have, in the most liberal manner, +given a plot of ground, eighteen by thirteen and a half-inches, for the +erection of a pickled whilks and pennywinkle establishment, at the corner +of Newgate-street and the Old Bailey. This will be a valuable boon to the +Blue-coat boys, and will tend to cause a brisk influx of loose coppers to +this hitherto much-neglected spot. + +The disgraceful state of the gutter-grating in Little Distaff-lane has, at +length, awakened the attention of the parish authorities. For several days +past it has been choked by an accumulation of rubbish, but we are now +enabled, on good authority, to state that the parish-beadle has been +directed to poke it with his staff, which it is hoped will have the effect +of removing the obstruction. + +The Commissioners of Woods and Forests have ordered plans and estimates to +be laid before them for the erection of a duck-house on the island of the +pond in St. James's Park. + +It has been decided that the exhibition of fancy paper on the boards of +the enclosure of Trafalgar-square is to continue open to the public till +further notice. + +By a recent Act of Parliament, foot passengers crossing Blackfriars-bridge +are allowed to walk on whichever side of it they like best. + + * * * * * + + +ERRATA IN THE "TIMES." + +For "Sir James Graham denied that he ever _changed_ his friends or his +principles," read "_hanged_ his friends or his principles." + +For "Lord John Russell said that he had strenuously endeavoured to keep +_pace_ with the march of Reform," read "keep _place_ with the march of +Reform." + +For "though Sir Robert Peel is the ostensible _head_, the Duke of +Wellington holds the _reins_ of the present administration," read "the +Duke of Wellington holds the _brains_ of the present administration." + +For "Colonel Sibthorp said he despised the man who suffered himself be +made the _tool_ of a party," read "the _fool_ of a party." + + * * * * * + + +THE PHYSIOLOGY OF THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT + +[Illustration: O]Our lively neighbours on the opposite side of the _Pas de +Calais_ (as they are pleased, in a spirit of patriotic appropriation, to +translate the Straits of Dovor), have lately shot off a flight of small +literary rockets about Paris, which have exploded joyously in every +direction, producing all sorts of fun and merriment, termed _Les +Physiologies_--a series of graphic sketches, embodying various every-day +types of characters moving in the French capital. In the same spirit we +beg to bring forward the following papers, with the hope that they will +meet with an equally favourable reception. + + +1. THE INTRODUCTORY DISCOURSE. + +We are about to discuss a subject as critical and important to take up as +the abdominal aorta; for should we offend the class we are about to +portray, there are fifteen hundred medical students, arrived this week in +London, ripe and ready to avenge themselves upon our devoted cranium, +which, although hardened throughout its ligneous formation by many blows, +would not be proof against their united efforts. And we scarcely know how +or where to begin. The instincts and different phases, under which this +interesting race appears, are so numerous, that far from complaining of +the paucity of materials we have to work upon, we are overwhelmed by +mental suggestions, and rapidly-dissolving views, of the various classes +from Guy's to the London University, from St. George's to the London +Hospital, perpetually crowding upon our brains (if we have any), and +rendering our ideas as completely muddled as those of a "new man" who has, +for the first week of October, attended every single lecture in the day, +from the commencement of chemistry, at nine in the morning, to the close +of surgery, at eight in the evening. Lecture! auspicious word! we have a +beginning prompted by the mere sound. We will address you, medical +students, according to the style you are most accustomed to. + +Gentlemen,--Your attention is to be this morning directed to an important +part of your course on physiology, which your various professors, at two +o'clock on Saturday afternoon, will separately tell you is derived from +two Greek words, so that we have no occasion to explain its meaning at +present. Magendie, Mueller, Mayo, Millengen, and various other M's, have +written works upon physiology, affecting the human race generally; you are +now requested to listen to the demonstration of one species in +particular--the Medical Student of London. + +Lay aside your deeper studies, then, and turn for a while to our lighter +sketches; forget the globules of the blood in the contemplation of red +billiard balls; supplant the _tunica arachnoidea_ of the brain by a +gossamer hat--the _rete mucosum_ of the skin by a pea-jacket; the vital +fluid by a pot of half-and-half. Call into play the flexor muscles of your +arms with boxing-gloves and single-sticks; examine the secreting glands in +the shape of kidneys and sweetbreads; demonstrate other theories connected +with the human economy in an equally analogous and pleasant manner; lay +aside your crib Celsus and Steggall's Manual for our own more enticing +pages, and find your various habits therein reflected upon paper, with a +truth to nature only exceeded by the artificial man of the same material +in the Museum of King's College. Assume for a time all this joyousness. +PUNCH has entered as a pupil at a medical school (he is not at liberty to +say which), on purpose to note your propensities, and requests you for a +short period to look upon him as one of your own lot. His course will +commence next week, and "The New Man" will be the subject. + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + + +MICHAELMAS DAY + +Every one knows that about this time of the year geese are in their prime, +and are particularly good when stuffed with sage; which accounts for the +fact, that Sibthorp has made some sage remarks, so that he may not lose by +comparison with the "foolish birds," with whom he feels a natural +sympathy. + +We have never been able to discover the connexion between geese and +Michaelmas. There is a reason for associating ducks with Midsummer: we can +understand the meaning of poultry at Christmas, for _birds_ are +appropriate to a period when every one sends in _his bill_; but why poor +St. Michael should be so degradingly associated with a goose is beyond our +comprehension, and baffles our ingenuity. If St. Michael had been a +tailor, or an actor, or an author, we could have understood how _goose_ +might have applied to him; but as he was neither one nor the other, we +really are at a loss to conceive why a goose should have become so +intimately associated with his name and character. + +Among other curious incidents, it may be remarked that, with an +instinctive dread of _goose_, the redoubtable _Martinuzzi_ drew in his +horns, just on the eve of Michaelmas, and the _Syncretics_ have just shut +up shop in time to avoid the "_compliments of the season_" that they had +every right and every reason to anticipate would be bestowed, if not with +a "liberal hand," at least with "a lavish mouth," by their audience. + +It must be remembered by all the geese against whom PUNCH thinks proper to +indulge his wit, that at this season of the year they must expect to be +roasted. Upon the whole, however, we have a high respect for "the foolish +bird," and when it is remembered that the geese saved Rome, we do not +think we are wrong in suggesting the possibility of England being yet +saved by Lord Coventry, or any other cackler in either house of +Parliament. + + * * * * * + + +"LAND SHARKS AND SEA GULLS." + +Admiral Napier observed that "retired lawyers got better paid than retired +admirals." A gross injustice, as their vocations bear an extraordinary +similarity; par example--both are _attaches_ of the Fleet: in an action, +both know the necessity of being bailed out to prevent swamping. One +service is distinguished by its "davits," the other by its "affidavits;" +and they are mutually and equally admired for, and known by, their craft. +The only difference between them being, that the lawyer serves "two +masters"--the admiral, invariably, three masters. If the same remark +applies to the members of the army-list, as well as to those of the navy +and law, we must say that it is an extremely shabby method of + +[Illustration: "RELIEVING GUARD."] + + * * * * * + + +LIST OF OUTRAGES. + +The following list of outrages, recently perpetrated in the vicinity of a +notoriously bad house near Westminster Abbey, has not appeared in any of +the daily papers:-- + +LORD MELBOURNE--frightfully beaten, and turned out of his house by a gang +of Peelites. + +LORD JOHN RUSSELL--struck on the head by a large majority, and flung into +a quandary. + +LORD COTTENHAM--tripped up by a well-known member of the swell mob, and +robbed of his seals. + +MR. ROEBUCK--stripped and treated with barbarous inhumanity by a notorious +bruiser named the _Times_. The unfortunate gentleman lies to the present +moment _speechless_ from the injuries he has sustained. + +LORD NORMANBY--stabbed with some sharp instrument, supposed to be Lord +Stanley's tongue. + +LORD MORPETH--struck in the dark by an original idea, from the effects of +which he has not yet recovered. + + * * * * * + + +ROOT AND BRANCH. + +Roebuck, in complaining of the stigmas cast by the _Times_ upon his +pedigree, and vehemently insisting on the character of his family tree, +was kindly assisted by Tom Duncombe, who declared the genus indisputable, +as nobody could look in Roebuck's face without perceiving his family tree +must have been the "plane-tree." + + * * * * * + + +SONGS FOR THE SENTIMENTAL.--NO. 8. + + + You say I have forgot the vow + I breath'd in days long past; + But had I faithful been, that thou + Hadst loved me to the last. + _Without_ me, e'en a throne thou'dst scorn-- + _With_ me, contented beg! + False maid! 'tis not that I'm forsworn,-- + The boot's on t'other leg. + + Amidst the revel thou wast gay, + The blithest with the song! + Though thou believ'dst me far away, + An exile at Boulogne. + 'Twas then, and not till then, my heart + To love thee did refuse; + My vows became (false that thou art!)-- + Another pair of shoes! + + * * * * * + + +AFFAIRS IN CHINA. + +PRIVATE LETTER FROM A YOUNG OFFICER AT THE ENGLISH FACTORY, CANTON, TO HIS +BROTHER IN ENGLAND. + +DEAR TOM,--Everything is going on gloriously--the British arms are +triumphant--and we now only require the Emperor of China's consent to our +taking possession of his territory, which I am sorry to say there is at +present no likelihood of obtaining. However, there is little doubt, if we +be not all swept off by ague and cholera, that we shall be able to +maintain our present position a few months longer. Our situation here +would be very comfortable if we had anything to eat, except bad beef and +worse biscuit; these, however, are but trifling inconveniences; and though +we have no fresh meat, we have plenty of fish in the river. One of our men +caught a fine one the other day, which was bought and cooked for the +officers' mess, by which means we were all nearly destroyed--the fish +unfortunately happening to be of a poisonous nature; in consequence of +which a general order was issued the next day, forbidding the troops to +catch or eat any more fish. The country around the factory is beautiful; +but we deem it prudent to keep within the walls, as the Chinese are very +expert at picking up stragglers, whom they usually strangle. Beyond this +we cannot complain of our situation; fowls are extremely abundant, but I +have not seen any, the inhabitants having carried them up the country +along with their cattle and provisions of every description. The water +here is so brackish that it is almost impossible to drink it; there are, +however some wells of delicious water in the neighbourhood, which would be +a real treasure to us if the Chinese had not poisoned them. +Notwithstanding these unavoidable privations, the courage of our troops is +indomitable; a detachment of the ----th regiment succeeded last week in +taking possession of an island in the river, nearly half an acre in +extent; it has, however, since been deemed advisable to relinquish this +important conquest, owing to the muddy nature of the soil, into which +several of our brave fellows sank to the middle, and were with difficulty +extricated. A gallant affair took place a few days ago between two English +men-of-war's boats and a Chinese market junk, which was taken after a +resolute defence on the part of the Chinaman and his wife, who kept up a +vigorous fire of pumpkins and water-melons upon our boats, until their +supply was exhausted, when they were forced to surrender to British +valour. The captured junk has since been cut up for the use of the forces. +Though this unpleasant state of affairs has interrupted all formal +intercourse between the Chinese and English, Captain Elliot has given a +succession of balls to the occupants of a small mud fort near the shore, +which I fear they did not relish, as several of them appeared exceedingly +hurt, and removed with remarkable celerity out of reach of the Captain's +civilities. Thus, instead of opening the trade, this proceeding has only +served to open the breach. The Emperor, I hear, is enraged at our +successes, and has ordered the head and tail of the mandarin, Keshin, to +be sent in pickle to the imperial court at Pekin. A new mandarin has +arrived, who has presented a chop to Captain Elliott, but I hope, where +there is so much at stake, that he will not be put off with a chop. There +is no description of tea to be had in the market now but gunpowder, which, +by the last reports, is going off briskly. Our amusements are not very +numerous, being chiefly confined to yawning and sleeping; of this latter +recreation I must confess that we enjoy but little, owing to the +mosquitos, who are remarkably active and persevering in their attacks upon +us. But with the exception of these tormenting insects, and a rather +alarming variety of centipedes, scorpions, and spiders, we have no +venomous creatures to disturb us. The weather is extremely hot, and the +advantages of the river for bathing would be very great if it were not so +full of sharks. I have much more to relate of our present cheering +prospects and enviable situation, but a ship is on the point of sailing +for England, so must conclude in haste. + +Ever, dear Tom, yours, + +R.B. + + * * * * * + + +POACHED EGOTISM. + +The _Examiner_ observes, in speaking of the types of the new premier's +policy,--"The state, I am the state," said the most arrogant of French +monarchs. "The administration, I am the administration," would seem to say +Sir Robert Peel. In the speech explanatory of his views, which cannot be +likened to Wolsey's "_Ego et Rex meus_," because the importance of the +_ego_ is not impaired by any addition.--This literally amounts to a +conviction, on the part of the editor of the _Examiner_, that the +premier's expression is all in his "I." + + * * * * * + + +THE POLITICAL NATURALIST'S LIBRARY + +CONTENTS OF THE VOLUMES ALREADY PUBLISHED. + + +THE SUPER-NATURAL HISTORY OF-- + +"HUMMING" BIRDS.--With Memoir and Portraits of Peel, Stanley and Aberdeen. + +BIRDS OF THE "GAME" KIND.--Portrait and Memoir of Mr. Gully. + +FISHES OF THE "PERCH" GENUS.--Biographical notices of the late Ministry. + +RUMINATING ANIMALS, Vol. 1.--Contents: _Goats_, &c. Portrait of Mr. Muntz. + +RUMINATING ANIMALS, Vol. 2.--Contents: Deer, Antelopes, &c. Portrait of +Mr. Roebuck. + +MARSUPIALS, OR "POUCHED" ANIMALS.--With many _plates_. Portrait and Memoir +of Daniel O'Connell, Esq. + +BRITISH BUTTERFLIES.--Portrait and Memoir of Sir E. Lytton Bulwer. + +COMPLETION OF THE WORK.--Considerable progress has been making in the +concluding volume of the series. _Rats_, with portraits of Burdett, +Gibson, Wakley, _et genus omne_; but the subject is so vast that no +definite time can be fixed for its publication. + + * * * * * + + +A GREAT CARD. + +MR. WAKLEY begs to inform the Lords of the Treasury, the editor of the +_Times_, and the Master of the Mint, that ever anxious to rise in the +world, he has recently been induced to undertake the sweeping of +Conservative flues, and the performance of any dirty work which his Tory +patrons may deem him worthy to perform. Certain objections having been +made as to his qualifications for a climbing boy, Mr. W. pledges himself +to undergo any course of training, to enable him to get through the +business, and to remove any apprehension of his ever becoming + +[Illustration: A POTTED BLOATER.] + + * * * * * + + +THE POETICAL JUSTICE. + +SIR PETER LAURIE, in commenting upon the late case of false imprisonment, +where two young men had been unjustifiably handcuffed by the police, +delivered himself of the following exquisite piece of rhetoric:--"He did +not think it possible that such a case of abuse could pass unnoticed as +that he had just heard. The general conduct of the police was, he +believed, good; but the instances of arbitrary conduct and overbearing +demeanour _set to flight all the ancient examples brought forward to +enrich by contrast the serious parts of the glorious genius of +Shakspeare_." We never understood or imagined there was an Anacreon among +the aldermen, a Chaucer in the common council, or a Moliere at the +Mansion-house. We have now discovered the Peter Lauriate of the City--the +poet of the Poultry. Who, in the face of the above sentence, can deny his +right to these titles, if, like ourselves, they are + +[Illustration: OPEN TO CONVICTION!] + + * * * * * + + +THE EVIL MOST TO BE DREADED. + +A clergyman, lately preaching to a country congregation, used the +following persuasive arguments against the vice of swearing:--"Oh, my +brethren, avoid this practice, for it is a great sin, and, what is more, +it is _ungenteel_!" + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH'S THEATRE. + +WHAT WILL THE WORLD SAY? + +The family of the "Sponges" distributes itself over the entire face of +society--its members are familiar with almost every knocker, and with +nearly everybody's dinner-hour. They not unfrequently come in with the +eggs, and only go out with the last glass of negus. They seem to possess +the power of ubiquity; for, go where you will, your own especial sponge +(and everybody with more than two hundred a-year has one), is sure to +present himself. He is ready for anything, especially where eating, love, +duelling, or drinking, is concerned. To oblige you, he will breakfast at +supper-time, or sup at breakfast-time; he will drink any given quantity, +at any time, and will carry any number of declarations of love to any +number of ladies, or of challenges to whole armies of rivals: thus far he +is useful; for he is obliging, and will do anything--but pay. + +When he has absorbed all the moisture his victims are able to supply, he +may be seen walking about in moody solitude in the parks, where he sponges +upon the ducks, and owes for the use of the chairs. In this dry and +destitute condition, behold the sponge of the Covent-Garden +Comedy--_Captain Tarradiddle_. He is in St. James' Park; for, possessing +imaginary rather than substantial claims to military rank, he flits about +the Horse-Guards to keep up his character. A person is already upon the +stage, for whom you instinctively shudder--you perceive, at once, that he +is "in" for dinner, wine, theatre, and supper--you pity him; you see the +sponge, speciously, but surely, fasten himself upon his victim like a +vampire. _Mr. Pye Hilary_, being a barrister and a man of the world, +resigns himself, however, to his fate. As to shaking off his leech, he +knows that to be impossible; and he determines to make what use of him he +can. There is a fine opportunity, for _Mr. Pye Hilary_ is in love, in +despair, and in waiting: he expects his mistress's abigail; in negociating +with whom, he conceives _Tarradiddle_ will be a valuable assistant. _Mrs. +Tattle_ arrives. Preliminaries having been duly settled, articles +offensive and defensive are entered into, to carry out a plan by which the +lover shall gain an interview with the mistress; and the treaty is +ratified by a liberal donation, which the _Captain_ makes to the maid out +of his friend's purse. The servant is satisfied, and goes off in the +utmost agitation, for _Miss Mayley_ and her guardian are coming; and she +dreads being caught in the fact of bribery. _Mr. Hilary_ trembles; so does +the young lady, when she appears; and the agitation of all parties is only +put an end to by the fall of the act-drop. + +If any class of her Majesty's subjects are more miserable than another, it +is that of gentlemen's servants. One of these oppressed persons is +revealed to us in the next act. Poor fellow! he has nothing to do but to +sit in the hall, and nothing to amuse him but the newspaper. But his +misfortunes do not end here: as if to add insult to injury, the family +governess presumes to upbraid him, and actually insists upon his taking a +letter to the post. _Mr. Nibble_ declines performing so undignified a +service, in the most footman-like terms; but unfortunately, as it +generally happens, in families where there are pretty governesses and +gallant sons, _Miss de Vere_ has a protector in the _Hon. Charles +Norwold_, who overhears her unreasonable demand, and with a degree of +injustice enough to make the entire livery of London rave with +indignation, inflicts upon his father's especial livery, and _Nibble's_ +illustrious person, a severe caning. The consequence of this "strike" is, +that _Nibble_ gives warning, _Lord_ and _Lady Norwold_ are paralysed at +this important resignation; for by it they discover that a secret +coalition has taken place between their son and the governess--they are +man and wife! Good heavens! the heir of all the Norwolds marry a teacher, +who has nothing to recommend her but virtue, talent, and beauty! +Monstrous!--"What will the world say?" + +The treaty formed between _Mistress Tattle_ and _Mr. Pye Hilary_ is in the +next act being acted upon. We behold _Captain Tarradiddle_, as one of the +high contracting parties' ambassador, taking lodgings in a house exactly +opposite to that in which _Miss Mayley_ resides. Of course nothing so +natural as that the Captain should indulge his friend with a visit for a +few days, or, if possible, for a few weeks. It is also natural that the +host, under the circumstances, should wish to know something of the birth, +parentage, and education of his guest, of which, though an old +acquaintance; he is, as yet, entirely ignorant. Now, if it be possible to +affront a real sponge (but there is nothing more difficult), such +inquiries are likely to produce that happy consummation. _Tarradiddle_, +however, gets over the difficulty with the tact peculiar to his class, and +is fortunately interrupted by the announcement that _Tattle_ is in the +parlour, duly keeping her agreement, by bringing her mistress's favourite +canary, which, having flown away quite by accident, under her guidance, +has chosen to perch in _Hilary's_ new lodging, on purpose to give him the +opportunity of returning it, and of obtaining an interview with _Miss +Mayley_. The expedient succeeds in the next scene; the lover bows and +stammers--as lovers do at first interviews--the lady is polite but +dignified, and _Tarradiddle_, who has been angling for an invitation, has +his hopes entirely put to flight by the entrance of the lady's guardian, +_Mr. Warner_, who very promptly cuts matters short by ringing the bell and +saying "Good evening," in that tone of voice which always intimates a +desire for a good riddance. This hint is too broad ever to be mistaken; so +the sponge and his victim back out. + +_Mr. Warner_ is a merchant, and all merchants in plays are the "noblest +characters the world can boast," and very rich. Thus it has happened that +_Warner_ has, through a money-agent, one _Grub_, been enabled to lend, at +various times, large sums of money, to _Lady Norwold_--her ladyship being +one of those who, dreading "what will the world say?" is by no means an +economist, and prefers "ruin to retrenchment." As security for these +loans, the lady deposits her jewels, suite by suite, till the great object +of all _Warner's_ advances gets into his possession--namely, a bracelet, +which is a revered relic of the Norwold family. So far _Warner_, in spite +of a troublesome ward, and his late visitors, is happy; but he soon +receives a letter, which puts his happiness to flight. His daughter, who +has been on a visit in Paris, became, he now learns, united some months +before, to _Charles Norwold_, and a governess in his father's family. By +further inquiries, he learns that the son is discarded, and is, with his +wife, consigned to beggary, for fear of--"what will the world say?" + +The fourth act exhibits one of the scenes of human life hitherto veiled +from the eyes of the most prying--a genuine specimen of the sponge +species--at home! Actually living under a roof that he calls his own; in +company with a wife who is certainly nobody else's. She is +ironing--_Tarradiddle_ is smoking, and, like all smokers, philosophising. +Here we learn the _Honourable Charles Norwold_ and his wife have taken +lodgings; hither they are pursued by _Hilary_, who has managed to +ingratiate himself with _Warner_, and undertaken to trace the merchant's +lost daughter; here, to _Pye's_ astonishment, he finds his friend and +sponge. Some banter ensues, not always agreeable to the Captain, but all +ends very pleasantly by the entrance of _Warner_, who discovers his +daughter, and becomes a father-in-law with a good grace. + +The denouement is soon told:--_Warner_, having received his daughter and +her husband, gives a party at which _Lady_, and afterwards _Lord Norwold_, +are present. Here Warner's anxiety to obtain the bracelet is explained. He +reminds his lordship that he once accused his elder brother of stealing +that very bauble; and the consequence was, that the accused disappeared, +and was never after heard of. _Warner_ avows himself to be that brother, +but declines disturbing the rights or property of his lordship, if he will +again receive his son. This is, of course, done. _Hilary_ jokes himself +into _Miss Mayley's_ good graces, and _Tarradiddle_, in all the glories of +a brown coat, and an outrageously fine waistcoat, enters to make the scene +complete, and to help to speak the tag, in which all the characters have a +hand; Mrs. Glover ending by making a propitiatory appeal to the audience +in favour of the author, who ought to be very grateful to her for the +captivating tones in which she asked for an affirmative answer to the +question-- + + "What will the world say?" + +Circumstances prevent us from giving any opinion whatever, except upon the +scenery, the appointments, and the acting. The first is beautiful--the +second appropriate and splendid--the last natural, pointed, and in good +taste. + + * * * * * + + +SIBTHORPIANA. + +A clergyman was explaining to the gallant officer the meaning of the +phrase "born again;" but it was quite unintelligible to Sib., who remarked +that he knew no one who could _bear_ him even once. + +"Do you read the notice to correspondents in PUNCH?" quoth Sib.--"I do," +replied Hardinge, "and I wonder people should send them such +trash."--"Pooh!" retorted the punster--"Pooh! you know that wherever PUNCH +is to be found, there are always plenty of _spoons_ after it." + +"It's a wonder you're not drunk," said Sibthorp to Wieland--"a great +wonder, because--do you give it up?--Because you're _a tumbler full of +spirits_." + + * * * * * + + +CURIOUS AMBIGUITY. + +The correspondent of a London paper, writing from Sunderland respecting +the report that Lord Howick had been fired at by some ruffian, says, with +great _naivete_, "a gun was certainly pointed at his lordship's head, but +it is generally believed there was nothing in it."--We confess we are at a +loss to know whether the facetious writer alludes to the _gun_ or the +_head_. + + * * * * * + + +THE THORNY PREMIER. + +A Tory evening paper tells its readers that Sir Robert Peel expects a +harassing opposition from the late ministry, but that he is prepared for +them on _all points_. This reminds us of the defensive expedient of the +hedgehog, which, conscious of its weakness, rolls itself into a ball, to +be prepared for its assailants on _all points_. + + * * * * * + + +TO PROFESSORS OF LANGUAGES WHO GIVE LONG CREDIT AND TAKE SMALL PAY. + +Mister F. &c. &c. &c. Bayley is anxious to treat for a course of lessons +in the purest Irish. None but such as will conceal a West Indian patois +will be of the slightest use. For particulars, and cards to view, apply to +Mr. Catnach, Music and Marble Warehouse, Seven-dials. + + * * * * * + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +1, October 2, 1841, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14930.txt or 14930.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/9/3/14930/ + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG +Online Distributed Proofreading + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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