diff options
Diffstat (limited to '14929-h')
| -rw-r--r-- | 14929-h/14929-h.htm | 2437 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14929-h/images/011-01.png | bin | 0 -> 22500 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14929-h/images/011-02.png | bin | 0 -> 43647 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14929-h/images/011-03.png | bin | 0 -> 54818 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14929-h/images/011-04.png | bin | 0 -> 18784 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14929-h/images/011-05.png | bin | 0 -> 30464 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14929-h/images/011-06.png | bin | 0 -> 12148 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14929-h/images/011-07.png | bin | 0 -> 20854 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14929-h/images/011-08.png | bin | 0 -> 482186 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14929-h/images/011-09.png | bin | 0 -> 9324 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14929-h/images/011-10.png | bin | 0 -> 27609 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14929-h/images/011-11.png | bin | 0 -> 28032 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14929-h/images/011-12.png | bin | 0 -> 40469 bytes |
13 files changed, 2437 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/14929-h/14929-h.htm b/14929-h/14929-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..7abfeb3 --- /dev/null +++ b/14929-h/14929-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2437 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> +<meta name="generator" content= +"HTML Tidy for Mac OS X (vers 1st August 2004), see www.w3.org" /> +<meta http-equiv="content-type" content= +"text/html; charset=us-ascii" /> +<title>Punch, or the London Charivari. September 25, 1841.</title> + +<style type="text/css"> +/*<![CDATA[*/ + +<!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 15%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + ul {list-style-type:none;} + .note {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left:4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left:5em;} + p.cen {text-align:center;} + p.rgt {text-align:right;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} +.figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img {border: none;} +.figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} +.figcenter>p {text-align:center;} +.figcenter {margin: auto;} +.figright {float: right; width:25%;} +.figleft, .dropcap {float: left;width:25%;} + span.sidenote {position: absolute; right: 1%; left: 87%; font-size: .7em;text-align:left;text-indent:0em;} + sup{font-size:.7em;} + span.sc {font-variant:small-caps;} + span.emph {font-size:125%;font-weight:bolder;} + a:link{text-decoration:none;} +.hide {display: none;} + --> +/*]]>*/ +</style> +</head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, +September 25, 1841, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, September 25, 1841 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14929] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + +</pre> + +<h1>PUNCH,<br /> +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> +<h2>VOL. 1.</h2> +<hr class="full" /> +<h2>SEPTEMBER 25, 1841.</h2> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page121" name="page121"></a>[pg +121]</span> +<h2>THE HEIR OF APPLEBITE.</h2> +<h3>CHAPTER V.</h3> +<h4>SHOWS THAT “THERE’S MANY A SLIP” BETWEEN +OTHER THINGS BESIDE “THE CUP AND THE LIP.”</h4> +<div class="dropcap"><a href="images/011-01.png"><img src= +"images/011-01.png" alt= +"Block and tackle are lifting a 'T' into place." id="img011-01" +name="img011-01" width="100%" /></a></div> +<p><span class="hide">T</span>he heir of Applebite continued to +squall and thrive, to the infinite delight of his youthful mamma, +who was determined that the joyful occasion of his cutting his +first tooth should be duly celebrated by an evening party of great +splendour; and accordingly cards were issued to the following +effect:—</p> +<div class="poem"> +<p class="cen">MR. AND MRS. APPLEBITE</p> +<p class="cen">REQUEST THE HONOUR OF</p> +<p class="cen">—— ——‘s</p> +<p class="cen">COMPANY TO AN EVENING PARTY,</p> +<p class="cen">On Thursday, the 12th inst.</p> +<p class="cen"> +<em>Quadrilles</em>. <em>An +Answer will oblige</em>.</p> +</div> +<p>It was the first home-made party that Collumpsion had ever +given; for though during his bachelorhood he had been no niggard of +his hospitality, yet the confectioner had supplied the edibles, and +the upholsterer arranged the decorations; but now Mrs. Applebite, +with a laudable spirit of economy, converted No. 24, +Pleasant-terrace, into a perfect <em>cuisine</em> for a week +preceding the eventful evening; and old John was kept in a constant +state of excitement by Mrs. Waddledot, who superintended the +ornamental department of these elaborate preparations.</p> +<p>Agamemnon felt that he was a cipher in the house, for no one +condescended to notice him for three whole days, and it was with +extreme difficulty that he could procure the means of +“recruiting exhausted nature” at those particular hours +which had hitherto been devoted to the necessary operation.</p> +<p>On the morning of the 12th, Agamemnon was anxiously engaged in +endeavouring to acquire a knowledge of the last alterations in the +figure of <em>La Pastorale</em>, when he fancied he heard an +unusual commotion in the lower apartments of his establishment. In +a few moments his name was vociferously pronounced by Mrs. +Applebite, and the affrighted Collumpsion rushed down stairs, +expecting to find himself another Thyestes, whose children, it is +recorded, were made into a pie for his own consumption.</p> +<p>On entering the kitchen he perceived the cause of the uproar, +although he could see nothing else, for the dense suffocating +vapour with which the room was filled.</p> +<p>“Oh dear!” said Mrs. Applebite, “the +chimney’s on fire; one pound of fresh +butter—”</p> +<p>“And two pound o’lard’s done it!” +exclaimed Susan.</p> +<p>“What’s to be done?” inquired Collumpsion.</p> +<p>“Send for my brother, sir,” said Betty.</p> +<p>“Where does he live?” cried old John.</p> +<p>“On No. 746,” replied Betty.</p> +<p>“Where’s that?” cried the whole assembled +party.</p> +<p>“I don’t know, but it’s a hackney-coach as he +drives,” said Betty.</p> +<p>A general chorus of “Pshaw!” greeted this very +unsatisfactory rejoinder. Another rush of smoke into the kitchen +rendered some more active measures necessary, and, after a short +discussion, it was decided that John and Betty should proceed to +the roof of the house with two pailsful of water, whilst Agamemnon +remained below to watch the effects of the measure. When John and +Betty arrived at the chimney-pots, the pother was so confusing, +that they were undecided which was the rebellious flue! but, in +order to render assurance doubly sure, they each selected the one +they conceived to be the delinquent, and discharged the contents of +their buckets accordingly, without any apparent diminution of the +intestine war which was raging in the chimney. A fresh supply from +a cistern on the roof, similarly applied, produced no better +effects, and Agamemnon, in an agony of doubt, rushed up-stairs to +ascertain the cause of non-abatement. Accidentally popping his head +into the drawing-room, what was his horror at beholding the +beautiful Brussels carpet, so lately “redolent of brilliant +hues,” one sheet of inky liquid, into which Mrs. Waddledot +(who had followed him) instantly swooned. Agamemnon, in his alarm, +never thought of his wife’s mother, but had rushed half-way +up the next flight of stairs, when a violent knocking arrested his +ascent, and, with the fear of the whole fire-brigade before his +eyes, he re-rushed to open the door, the knocker of which kept up +an incessant clamour both in and out of the house. The first person +that met his view was a footman, 25, dyed with the same sooty +evidence of John and Betty’s exertions, as he had encountered +on entering his own drawing-room. The dreadful fact flashed upon +Collumpsion’s mind, and long before the winded and saturated +servant could detail the horrors he had witnessed in “his +missuses best bed-room, in No. 25,” the bewildered proprietor +of No. 24 was franticly shaking his innocently offending menials on +the leads of his own establishment. Then came a confused noise of +little voices in the street, shouting and hurraing in the fulness +of that delight which we regret to say is too frequently felt by +the world at large at the misfortunes of one in particular. Then +came the sullen rumble of the parish engine, followed by violent +assaults on the bell and knocker, then another huzza! welcoming the +extraction of the fire-plug, and the sparkling fountain of +“New River,” which followed as a providential +consequence. Collumpsion again descended, as John had at last +discovered the right chimney, and having inundated the stewpans and +the kitchen, had succeeded in extinguishing the sooty cause of all +these disasters. The mob had, by this time, increased to an +alarming extent. Policemen were busily employed in making a ring +for the exhibition of the water-works—little boys were +pushing each other into the flowing gutters—small girls, with +astonished infants in their arms, were struggling for front places +against the opposite railings; and every window, from the +drawing-rooms to the attics, in Pleasant-terrace were studded with +heads, in someway resembling the doll heads in a gingerbread +lottery, with which a man on a wooden leg was tempting the monied +portion of the juvenile alarmists. Agamemnon opened the door, and +being flanked by the whole of his household, proceeded to address +the populace on the present satisfactory state of his kitchen +chimney. The announcement was received by expressions of extreme +disgust, as though every auditor considered that a fire ought to +have taken place, and that they had been defrauded of their time +and excitement, and that the extinguishing of the same by any other +means than by legitimate engines was a gross imposition. He was +about remonstrating with them on the extreme inconvenience which +would have attended a compliance with their reasonable and humane +objections, when his eloquence was suddenly cut short by a <em>jet +d’eau</em> which a ragged urchin directed over him, by +scientifically placing his foot over the spouting plug-hole. This +clever manoeuvre in some way pacified the crowd, and after awaiting +the re-appearance of the parish engineer, who had insisted on a +personal inspection of the premises, they gave another shout of +derision and departed.</p> +<p>Thus commenced the festivities to celebrate the advent of the +first tooth of the Heir of Applebite.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>GRAVESEND.</h3> +<h4>(<em>From our own Correspondent</em>.)</h4> +<p>This delightful watering-place is filled with beauty and +fashion, there being lots of large curls and small bonnets in every +portion of the town and neighbourhood.</p> +<p>We understand it is in contemplation to convert the mud on the +banks of the river into sand, in order that the idea of the +sea-side may be realised as far as possible. Two donkey cart-loads +have already been laid down by way of experiment, and the spot on +which they were thrown was literally thronged with pedestrians. The +only difficulty likely to arise is, that the tide washes the sand +away, and leaves the mud just as usual.</p> +<p>The return of the imports and exports shows an immense increase +in the prosperity of this, if not salubrious sea-port, at least +healthy watercourse. It seems that the importation of Margate +slippers this year, as compared with that of the last, has been as +two-and-three-quarters to one-and-a-half, or rather more than +double, while the consumption of donkeys has been most gratifying, +and proves beyond doubt that the pedestrians and equestrians are +not so numerous by any means as the asinestrians. The first round +of a new ladder for ascending the balconies of the bathing-rooms +was laid on Wednesday, amidst an inconvenient concourse of +visitors. With the exception of a rap on the toes received by those +who pressed so much on the carpenter employed as to retard the +progress of his work, all passed off quietly. After the ceremony, +the man was regaled by the proprietor of the rooms with some beer, +at the tap of the neighbouring hotel for families and +gentlemen.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page122" name="page122"></a>[pg +122]</span> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/011-02.png"><img src= +"images/011-02.png" alt="A crowd gathers around 'Punch Office'" id= +"img011-02" name="img011-02" width="60%" /></a></div> +<h2>PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF GUFFAW.</h2> +<h4>SCRUPULOUSLY PREPARED FROM THE RECIPE OF THE LATE</h4> +<h2>MR. JOSEPH MILLER,</h2> +<h4>AND PATRONISED BY</h4> +<h2>THE ROYAL FAMILY,</h2> +<h4>THE TWELVE JUDGES, THE LORD CHANCELLOR, THE SWELL MOB, MR. +HOBLER, AND THE COURT OF ALDERMEN;</h4> +<h5>ALSO BY THE</h5> +<h4>COMMISSIONERS OF POLICE, THE SEXTON OF ST. MARYLEBONE, THE +PHOENIX LIFE ASSURANCE COMPANY, THE KING OF THE SANDWICH +ISLANDS,</h4> +<h5>AND THE</h5> +<h2>LONDON MISSIONARY SOCIETY.</h2> +<p>This inestimable composition, which cures all disorders, and +keeps in all climates, may be had of every respectable bookseller +on the face of the globe. Price 3d.</p> +<h2>TESTIMONIALS.</h2> +<h4>TO MR. PUNCH.</h4> +<p>SIR,—Having incautiously witnessed two consecutive +performances of Mr. Macready in the “Lady of Lyons,” +the comic portions of them threw me into a state of deep and +chronic melancholy, which the various physicians employed were +unable to cure. Hearing, however, of your excellent medicine, I +took it regularly every Saturday for five weeks, and am now able to +go about my daily employment, which being that of a low comedian, +was materially interfered with by my late complaint.</p> +<p class="cen">I remain, with gratitude, yours truly,</p> +<p class="rgt">JOHN SAUNDERS.</p> +<p><em>New Strand Theatre</em>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>SIR,—I was, till lately, private secretary to Lord John +Russell. I had to copy his somniferous dispatches, to endure a +rehearsal of his prosy speeches, to get up, at an immense labour to +myself, incessant laughs at his jokes. At length, by the enormous +exertions the last duty imposed upon me, I sunk into a hopeless +state of cachinnatory impotence: my risible muscles refused to +perform their office, and I lost mine. I was discharged. +Fortunately, however, for me, I happened to meet with your +infallible “Pills to Purge Melancholy,” and tried Nos. +1 to 10 inclusive of them.</p> +<p>With feelings overflowing with gratitude, I now inform you, that +I have procured another situation with Sir James Graham; and to +show you how completely my roaring powers have returned, I have +only to state, that it was I who got up the screeching applause +with which Sir James’s recent jokes about the Wilde and Tame +serjeants were greeted.</p> +<p class="cen">I am, Sir, yours,</p> +<p class="rgt">GEORGE STEPHEN,</p> +<p>Late “over”-Secretary, and Author of the +“Canadian Rebellion.”</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>SIR,—Being the proprietor of several weekly newspapers, +which I have conducted for many years, my jocular powers gradually +declined, from hard usage and incessant labour, till I was reduced +to a state of despair; for my papers ceasing to sell, I experienced +a complete stoppage of circulation.</p> +<p>In this terrible state I had the happiness to meet with your +“Essence of Guffaw,” and tried its effect upon my +readers, by inserting several doses of your Attic salt in my +“New Weekly Messenger,” “Planet,” &c. +&c. The effects were wonderful. Their amount of sale increased +at every joke, and has now completely recovered.</p> +<p class="cen">I am, Sir,</p> +<p class="rgt">JOHN BELL.</p> +<p><em>Craven-street, Strand</em>.</p> +<p><em>Note.</em>—This testimonial is gratifying, as the +gentleman has hitherto failed to acknowledge the source of the +wonderful cure we have effected in his property.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>SIR,—As the author of the facetious political essays in +the “Morning Herald,” it is but due to you that I +should candidly state the reason why my articles have, of late, so +visibly improved.</p> +<p>In truth, sir, I am wholly indebted to you. Feeling a gradual +debility come over my facetiæ, I tried several potions of the +“New Monthly” and “Bentley’s +Miscellany,” without experiencing the smallest relief. +“PUNCH” and his “Essence of Guffaw” were, +however, most strongly recommended to me by my friend the editor of +“Cruikshank’s Omnibus,” who had wonderfully +revived after taking repeated doses. I followed his example, and am +now completely re-established in fine, jocular health.</p> +<p class="cen">I am, Sir,</p> +<p class="rgt">THE “<em>OWN</em> CORRESPONDENT.”</p> +<p><em>Shoe-lane</em>.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Inestimable SIR,—A thousand blessings light upon your +head! You have snatched a too fond heart from a too early grave. My +life-preserver, my PUNCH! receive the grateful benedictions of a +resuscitated soul, of a saved Seraphina Simpkins!</p> +<p>Samuel, dearest PUNCH, was false! He took Jemima to the +Pavilion; I detected his perfidy, and determined to end my sorrows +under the fourth arch of Waterloo-bridge.</p> +<p>In my way to the fatal spot I passed—no, I could +<em>not</em> pass—your office. By chance directed, or by fate +constrained, I stopped to read a placard of your infallible +specific. I bought one dose—it was enough. I have now +forgotten Samuel, and am happy in the affection of another.</p> +<p>Publish this, if you please; it may be of service to young +persons who are crossed in love, and in want of straw-bonnets at +3s. 6d. each, best Dunstable.</p> +<p class="cen">I am, yours,</p> +<p class="rgt">SERAPHINA SIMPKINS,</p> +<p>Architect of Tuscan, straw, and other bonnets, Lant-street, +Borough.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>CAUTION.—None are genuine unless duly stamped—with +good humour, good taste, and good jokes. Observe: “PUNCH, OR +THE LONDON CHARIVARI, price Threepence,” is on the cover. +Several spurious imitations are abroad, at a reduced price, the +effects of which are dreadful upon the system.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>W(H)AT TYLER.</h3> +<p>The following pictorial joke has been sent to us by Count +D’Orsay, which he denominates</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/011-03.png"><img src= +"images/011-03.png" alt= +"An aristocratic black man is fitted for a hat." id="img011-03" +name="img011-03" width="50%" /></a> +<p>TILING A FLAT.</p> +</div> +<p>All our attempts to discover the wit of this <em>tableau +d’esprit</em> have been quite fu-<em>tile</em>. Perhaps our +readers will be more successful.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>A MESMERIC ADVERTISEMENT.</h3> +<p>Wanted, by Mons. Lafontaine, a few fine able-bodied young men, +who can suffer the running of pins into their legs without +flinching, and who can stare out an ignited lucifer without +winking. A few respectable-looking men, to get up in the room and +make speeches on the subject of the mesmeric science, will also be +treated with. Quakers’ hats and coats are kept on the +premises. Any little boy who has been accustomed at school to bear +the cane without wincing will be liberally treated with.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>AN ALARMING STRIKE.</h3> +<p>HORACE TWISS, on being told that the workmen employed at the New +Houses of Parliament struck last week, to the number of 468, +declared that he would follow their example unless Bob raised his +wages.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page123" name="page123"></a>[pg +123]</span> +<h2>SIR RHUBARB PILL, M.P. & M.D.</h2> +<p class="note">“Now the Poor Law is the only remedy for all +the distresses referred to contained in the whole of the +Baronet’s speech.”—<em>Morning Chronicle</em>, +Sept. 21.</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Oh! dear Doctor,</p> +<p class="i4">Great bill</p> +<p class="i4">And pill</p> +<p class="i2">Concoctor,</p> +<p>Most worthy follower in the steps</p> +<p class="i2">Of Dr. Epps,</p> +<p>And eke that cannie man</p> +<p class="i2">Old Dr. Hanneman—</p> +<p>Two individuals of consummate gumption,</p> +<p class="i2">Who declare,</p> +<p class="i2">That whensoe’er</p> +<p>The patient’s labouring under a consumption,</p> +<p>To save him from a trip across the Styx,</p> +<p class="i2">To ancient Nick’s</p> +<p class="i2">In Charon’s shallop,</p> +<p>If the consumption be upon the canter,</p> +<p>It should be put upon the gallop</p> +<p class="i2">Instanter;</p> +<p>For, “<em>similia similibus curantur</em>,”</p> +<p class="i2">Great medicinal cod</p> +<p class="i2">(Beating the mode</p> +<p>Of old Hippocrates, whom M.D.’s mostly follow,</p> +<p class="i2">Quite hollow);</p> +<p>Which would make</p> +<p class="i2">A patient take</p> +<p>No end of verjuice for the belly-ache;</p> +<p>And find, beyond a question,</p> +<p class="i2">A power of good in</p> +<p class="i2">A lump of cold plum-pudding</p> +<p>For a case of indigestion.</p> +<p class="i2">And just as sage,</p> +<p class="i2">In this wise age,</p> +<p>’Faith, Dr. Peel, is <em>your</em> law;</p> +<p class="i2">Which, as a remedy</p> +<p class="i2">For poverty,</p> +<p>Would recommend the Poor Law.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>MATINEE MESMERIQUE</h3> +<h4><em>Or, Procédé Humbugaresque.</em></h4> +<p>There is at present in London a gentleman with an enormous +beard, who professes the science of animal magnetism, and +undertakes to deprive of sense those who come under his hand; but +as those who flock to his exhibition have generally left all the +sense they possess at home, he finds it difficult to accomplish his +purposes. If it is animal magnetism to send another to sleep, what +a series of <em>Soirées Mesmériques</em> must take +place in the House of Commons during the sitting of Parliament! +There is no doubt that Sir Robert Peel is the Lafontaine of +political mesmerism—<em>the fountain</em> of +quackery—and every pass he makes with his hand over poor John +Bull serves to bring him into that state of stupefaction in which +he may be most easily victimised. While Lafontaine thrusts pins +into his patient, the Premier sends poor John into a swoon, for the +purpose of, as it is vulgarly termed, <em>sticking it into +him</em>; and as the French quack holds lucifers to the nostril, +Peel plays the devil under the very nose of the paralysed sufferer. +One resorts to <em>electrics</em>, the other to <em>election +tricks</em>, but each has the same object in view—to bring +the subject of the operation into a state of unconsciousness. If +the Premier would give a <em>Matinée Politique</em>, it +would prove a formidable rival to the <em>Soirée +Mesmérique</em> of the gentleman in the beard, who seems +impressed with the now popular idea, that genius and a clean chin +are wholly incompatible.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>(H)ALL IS LOST NOW!</h3> +<p>‘Sir B. HALL is still Sir B. Hall. Where is the +peerage—the “B-all and end-all” of his +patriotism? Really the Whigs ought to have given the poor dog a +bone, considering with what perseverance he has always been</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/011-04.png"><img src= +"images/011-04.png" alt="A poodle begs for a bone." id="img011-04" +name="img011-04" width="50%" /></a> +<p>STANDING FOR MARROWBONE (MARYLEBONE).</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<p>When a person holds an argument with his neighbour on the +opposite aide of the street, why is there no chance of their +agreeing?—Because they argue from different +<em>premises</em>.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>NOVEL SUBSCRIPTIONS.</h3> +<p>Looking into an Australian paper the other day, we cast our eye +over a list of subscriptions for the “St. Patrick’s +Orphan School, Windsor;” which, after enumerating several +sums, varying from 10<em>l.</em> to <em>five</em> shillings, ended +with the following singular contributions:—</p> +<ul> +<li>MR. BURKE—A supply of potatoes.</li> +<li>A FRIEND—Five pounds of beef, and a coat.</li> +<li>A FRIEND IN NEED—A shoulder of mutton.</li> +<li>A POOR WOMAN—A large damper.</li> +<li>AN EMIGRANT—Ten quarts of milk.</li> +<li>AN EMIGRANT—A frying-pan.</li> +</ul> +<p>At first we were disposed to be amused with the heterogeneous +nature of the contributions, but, on reflection, we felt disposed +to applaud a plan which enabled every one to bestow a portion of +any article of which he possesses a superabundance. If, for +instance, a similar subscription were began here, we might expect +to find the following contributions:—</p> +<ul> +<li>SIR ROBERT PEEL—A large stock of political +consistency.</li> +<li>LORD LONDONDERRY—An ounce of wit.</li> +<li>LORD NORMANBY—A complete copy of “Yes and +No.”</li> +<li>COLONEL SIBTHORP—A calf’s-head, garnished.</li> +<li>THE BISHOP OF EXETER—His pastoral blessing.</li> +<li>LORD MELBOURNE AND LORD JOHN RUSSELL—A pair of cast-off +slippers.</li> +<li>MR. WAKELY—A dish of Tory flummery.</li> +<li>DAN O’CONNELL—A prime lot of</li> +</ul> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/011-05.png"><img src= +"images/011-05.png" alt="A goat butts a man." id="img011-05" name= +"img011-05" width="50%" /></a> +<p>REAL IRISH BUTTER.</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>SONGS FOR THE SENTIMENTAL.—NO. 7.</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Fair Daphne has tresses as bright as the hue</p> +<p class="i2">That illumines the west when a summer-day closes;</p> +<p>Her eyes seem like violets laden with dew,</p> +<p class="i2">Her lips will compare with the sweetest of roses.</p> +<p>By Daphne’s decree I am doom’d to despair,</p> +<p class="i2">Though ofttimes I’ve pray’d the fair maid +to revoke it.</p> +<p>“No—Colin I love”—(thus will Daphne +declare)</p> +<p class="i2">“Put that in your pipe, if you will, sir, and +smoke it.”</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Once I thought that she loved me (O! fatal deceit),</p> +<p class="i2">For she wore at the dance the gay wreath I had twined +her;</p> +<p>She smiled when I swore that I envied each sweet,</p> +<p class="i2">And vow’d that in love’s rosy chains I +would bind her.</p> +<p>I press’d her soft hand, and a blush dyed her cheek;</p> +<p class="i2">“Oh! there’s love,” I +exclaim’d, “in that eye’s liquid +glancing.”</p> +<p>She spoke, and I think I can <em>still</em> hear her +speak—</p> +<p class="i2">“You know about love what a pig knows of +dancing!”</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>JOE HUM(E)ANITY.</h3> +<p>The “late of” Middlesex, during his visit to +Switzerland, happened to be charged, at a cottage half-way up the +Jura, three farthings for seven eggs. Astonished and disgusted at +the demand, he vehemently declared that things were come to a +pretty</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/011-06.png"><img src= +"images/011-06.png" alt="A man stabs another with a rapier." id= +"img011-06" name="img011-06" width="50%" /></a> +<p>PASS IN THE MOUNTAINS</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>THE MINISTERIAL TOP.</h3> +<p>We understand Sir James Graham has lately been labouring under +severe and continued fits of vertigo, produced, as his medical +attendants state, by his extraordinary propensity for <em>turning +round</em>.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page124" name="page124"></a>[pg +124]</span> +<h2>BERNARD CAVANAGH</h2> +<h3>AND THE POOR LAW COMMISSIONERS.</h3> +<p>It is not generally known that the above gentleman has been +officially engaged by the eminent and philanthropic pauper-patrons, +to put his principles into practice throughout the whole of the +Unions in the United Kingdom.</p> +<p>Knowing the extraordinary appetite of the vulgar for anything +approaching the unintelligible and marvellous, we feel sorry to be +obliged, by a brief detail of this gentleman’s early life and +habits, to divest the present phenomenon of much of its apparent +wonder and romance.</p> +<p>Mr. Cavanagh was in infancy rather remarkable for the many +sleepless nights he occasioned his worthy parents by his juvenile +intimations that fasting at that time was no part of his system. He +progressed rapidly in his powers of consumption, and was indeed a +child of</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/011-07.png"><img src= +"images/011-07.png" alt="A portly matron in full regalia." id= +"img011-07" name="img011-07" width="50%" /></a> +<p>A FULL HABIT;</p> +</div> +<p>or, as his nurse expressed it, he was <em>alwaist</em> good for +three rounds at breakfast, not at all to be sneezed at luncheon, +anything but bad at dinner, hearty at tea (another three-rounder), +and very consistent at supper.</p> +<p>“Reverse of fortune changes friends”—reverse +of circumstances, alas! too often changes feeds!—pecuniary +disappointments brought on a reduction of +circumstances—reduction of circumstances occasioned a +reduction of meals, and the necessity for such reduction being very +apparent to a philosophic mind, engendered a reduction of craving +for the same. Perhaps nothing could have proved more generally +beneficial than the individual misfortunes of Mr. Bernard Cavanagh, +which transferred him to one of those Elysiums of brick and mortar, +the “Poor Law Union.” Here, as he himself expresses it, +the fearful fallacies of his past system were made beautifully +apparent; he felt as if existence could be maintained by the +infinitesimal process, so benevolently advocated and regularly +prepared, that one step more was all that was necessary to arrive +at dietary perfectibility. That step he took, it being simply, +instead of next to nothing, to live on nothing at all; and now, +such was his opinion of the condiments supplied, he declares it to +be by far the pleasantest of the two.</p> +<p>It has been reported that Mr. Bernard Cavanagh’s powers of +abstinence have their latent origin in enthusiasm. This he +confesses to be the case, his great admiration for fasting having +arisen from the circumstance of his frequently seeing the process +of manufacturing the pauper gruel, which sight filled him with most +intense yearnings to hit upon some plan by which, as far as he was +concerned, he might for ever avoid any participation in its +consumption.</p> +<p>That immense cigar, the mild Cavanagh! favours us with the +following practical account of his system; by which he intends, +through the means of enthusiasm, to render breakfasts a +superfluity—luncheons, inutilities—dinners, dreadful +extravagancies—teas, iniquitous wastes—and suppers, +supper-erogatories.</p> +<p>Mr. B.C. proposes the instant dismissal, without wages or +warning, of all the cooks, and substitution of the like number of +Ciceros; thereby affording a more ample mental diet, as the +followers will be served out with orations instead of rations. For +the proper excitement of the necessary enthusiasm, he submits the +following Mental Bill of Fare:—</p> +<h4>FOR STRONG STOMACHS AND WEAK INTELLECTS:—</h4> +<ul> +<li>Feargus O’Connor, as per Crown and Anchor.</li> +<li>Mr. Vincent.</li> +<li>Mr. Roebuck, with ancestral sauce—very fine, if not +pitched too strong.</li> +<li>N.B.—In case of surfeit from the above, the editor of the +<em>Times</em> may be resorted to as an antidote.</li> +<li>Daniel O’Connell—whose successful practice of the +exciting and fasting, or rather, starving system, among the rent +contributors in Ireland, not only proves the truth of the theory, +but enables B.C. to recommend him as the safest dish in the +<em>carte</em>.</li> +</ul> +<h4>FOR WEAK STOMACHS AND VERY SMALL IMAGINATIONS:—</h4> +<ul> +<li>D’Israeli (Ben)—breakfast off the “Wondrous +Tale of Alroy.”</li> +<li>Bulwer—lunch on “Siamese Twins.”</li> +<li>Stephens—dine off “The Hungarian +Daughter.”</li> +<li>Heraud—tea off “The Deluge,”—sup off +the whole Minerva Library.</li> +<li>N.B.—None of the above, will bear the slightest +dilution.</li> +</ul> +<h4>FOR DELICATE DIGESTIONS, AND LIMITED UNDERSTANDINGS, PERUSALS +OF</h4> +<ul> +<li>“World of Fashion.”</li> +<li>Lord John Russell’s “Don Carlos.”</li> +<li>Montgomery’s “Satan” (very good as a +devil).</li> +<li>“Journal of Civilization.”</li> +<li>Any of F. Chorley’s writings, Robins’ +advertisements, or poetry relating to Warren’s Jet +Blacking.</li> +</ul> +<h4>FOR MENTAL BOLTERS</h4> +<ul> +<li>Ainsworth’s “Jack Sheppard.”</li> +<li>Harmer’s “Weekly Dispatch.”</li> +<li>“Newgate Calendar.”</li> +<li>“Terrific Register,” “Frankenstein,” +&c. &c. &c.</li> +</ul> +<p>The above forms a brief abstract of Mr. B.C.’s plan, +furnished and approved by the Poor Law Commissioners. We are +credibly informed that the same enlightened gentleman is at present +making arrangements with Sir Robert Peel for the total repeal of +the use of bread by all operatives, and thereby tranquillising the +present state of excitement upon the corn-law question; proving +bread, once erroneously considered the staff of life, to be nothing +more than a mere ornamental opera cane.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<h2>SYNCRETIC LITERATURE.</h2> +<p class="note"><em>Concluding remarks on an Epic Poem of Giles +Scroggins and Molly Brown.</em></p> +<p>The circumstance which rendered Giles Scroggins peculiarly +ineligible as a bridegroom eminently qualified him as a tenant for +one of those receptacles in which defunct mortals progress to +“that bourne from whence no traveller returns.” Fancy +the bereaved Molly, or, as she is in grief, and grief is tragical, +Mary Brown, denuded of her scarf and black gloves, turning faintly +from the untouched cake and tasteless wine, and retiring to the +virtuous couch, whereon, with aching heart, the poet asserts she, +the said</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>“Poor Molly, laid her down to weep;”</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>and then contemplate her the victim of somnolent consequences, +when—</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>“She cried herself quite fast asleep,”</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>Here an ordinary mind might have left the maiden and reverted +“to her streaming eyes,” inflamed lids, dishevelled +locks, and bursting sigh, as satisfactory evidences of the truth of +her broken-heartedness, but the “great anonymous” of +whom we treat, scorns the application of such external +circumstances as agents whereby to depict the intenseness of the +passion of the ten thousand condensed turtle-doves glowing in the +bosom of <em>his</em> heroine. Sleep falls upon her eyes; but the +“life of death,” the subtle essence of the shrouded +soul, the watchful sentinel and viewless evidence of immortality, +the wild and flitting air-wrought impalpabilities of her fitful +dreams, still haunt her in her seeming hours of rest. Fancy her +feelings—</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>“When, standing fast by her bed-post,</p> +<p>A figure tall her sight engross’d,”</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>and it cried—</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>“‘I be’s Giles Scroggins’ +ghost.’”</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>Such is the frightful announcement commemorative of this +visitation from the wandering spirit of the erratic Giles. Death +has indeed parted them. Giles is cold, but still his love is warm! +He loved and won her in life—he hints at a right of +possession in death; and this very forgetfulness of what he +<em>was</em>, and what he <em>is</em>, is the best essence of the +overwhelming intensity of his passion. He continues (with a +beautiful reliance on the faith and <em>living</em> constancy of +Molly, in reciprocation, though dead, of his deathless attachment) +to offer her a share, not of his bed and board, but of his shell +and shroud. There is somewhat of the imperative in the invitation, +which runs thus:—</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>“The ghost it said so solemnly,</p> +<p>‘Oh, Molly, you <em>must</em> go with me,</p> +<p>All to the grave, your love to cool.’”</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>We have no doubt this assumption of command on the part of the +ghost—an assumption, be it remembered, never ventured upon by +the living Giles—gave rise to some unpleasant reflections in +the mind of the slumbering Molly. <em>Must</em> is certainly an +awkward word. Tell any lady that she <em>must</em> do this, or +<em>must</em> do that, and, however much her wishes may have +previously prompted the proceeding, we feel perfectly satisfied, +that on the very shortest notice she will find an absolute and +undeniable reason why such a proceeding is diametrically opposed to +the line of conduct she <em>will</em>, and therefore ought to, +adopt.</p> +<p>With an intuitive knowledge of human nature, the great poet +purposely uses the above objectionable word. How could he do +otherwise, or how more effectually, and less offensively, extricate +Molly Brown from the unpleasant tenantry of the proposed +under-ground floor? Command invariably begets opposition, +opposition as certainly leads to argument. So proves our heroine, +who, with a beautiful evasiveness, delivers the following +expostulation:—</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>“Says she, ‘I am not dead, you +fool!’”</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>One would think <em>that</em> was a pretty decent clincher, by +way of a reason <span class="pagenum"><a id="page125" name= +"page125"></a>[pg 125]</span> for declining the proposed trip to +Giles Scroggins’ little property at his own peculiar +“Gravesend;” but as contradiction begets controversy, +and the enlightened poet is fully aware of the effect of that +cause, the undaunted sprite of the interred Giles instantly opposes +this, to him, flimsy excuse, and upon the peculiar veracity of a +wandering ghost, triumphantly exclaims, in the poet’s +words—words that, lest any mistake should arise as to the +speaker by the peculiar construction of the sentence, are rendered +<em>doubly</em> individual, for—</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>“<em>Says</em> the <em>ghost</em>, says <em>he</em>, vy +that’s no rule!”</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>There’s a staggerer! being alive no rule for <em>not</em> +being buried! how <em>is</em> Molly Brown to get out of that +high-pressure cleft-stick? how! that’s the question! Why not +in a state of somnolency, not during the “death of each +day’s life; no, it is clear, to escape such a consummation +she must be wide awake.” The poet sees this, and with the +energy of a master-mind, he brings the invisible chimera of her +entranced imagination into effective operation. Argument with a man +who denies first premises, and we submit the assertion that +vitality is no exception to the treatment of the dead, amounts to +that. We say, argument with such a man is worse than nothing; it +would be fallacious as the Eolian experiment of whistling the most +inspiriting jigs to an inanimate, and consequently unmusical, +milestone, opposing a transatlantic thunder-storm with “a +more paper than powder” “penny cracker,” or +setting an owl to outstare the meridian sun.</p> +<p>The poet knew and felt this, and therefore he ends the delusion +and controversy by an overt act:—</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>“The ghost then seized her all so grim,</p> +<p>All for to go along with him;</p> +<p>‘Come, come,’ said he, ‘e’er morning +beam.’”</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>To which she replies with the following determined +announcement:—</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>“‘I von’t!’ said she, and scream’d +a scream,</p> +<p>Then she voke, and found she’d dream’d a +dream!”</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>These are the last words we have left to descant upon: they are +such as should be the last; and, like <em>Joseph Surface</em>, +“moral to the end.” The glowing passions the fervent +hopes, the anticipated future, of the loving pair, all, all are +frustrated! The great lesson of life imbues the elaborate +production; the thinking reader, led by its sublimity to a train of +deep reflection, sees at once the uncertainty of earthly projects, +and sighing owns the wholesome, though still painful truth, that +the brightest sun is ever the first cause of the darkest shadow; +and from childhood upwards, the blissful visions of our gayest +fancy—forced by the cry of stern reality—call back the +mental wanderer from imaginary bliss, to be again the worldly +drudge; and, thus awakened to his real state, confess, like our sad +heroine, Molly Brown, he too, has <em>dreamt a dream</em>.</p> +<p class="rgt">FUSBOS.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<h2>FATHER O’FLYNN AND HIS CONGREGATION.</h2> +<p>Father Francis O’Flynn, or, as he was generally called by +his parishioners, “Father Frank,” was the choicest +specimen you could desire of a jolly, quiet-going, ease-loving, +Irish country priest of the old school. His parish lay near a small +town in the eastern part of the county Cork, and for forty-five +years he lived amongst his flock, performing all the duties of his +office, and taking his dues (when he got them) with never-tiring +good-humour. But age, that spares not priest nor layman, had stolen +upon Father Frank, and he gradually relinquished to his younger +curates the task of preaching, till at length his sermons dwindled +down to two in the year—one at Christmas, and the other at +Easter, at which times his clerical dues were about coming in. It +was on one of these memorable occasions that I first chanced to +hear Father Frank address his congregation. I have him now before +my mind’s eye, as he then appeared; a stout, middle-sized +man, with ample shoulders, enveloped in a coat of superfine black, +and substantial legs encased in long straight boots, reaching to +the knee. His forehead, and the upper part of his head, were bald; +but the use of hair-powder gave a fine effect to his massive, but +good-humoured features, that glowed with the rich tint of a hale +old age. A bunch of large gold seals, depending from a massive +jack-chain of the same metal, oscillated with becoming dignity from +the lower verge of his waistcoat, over the goodly prominence of his +“fair round belly.” Glancing his half-closed, but +piercing eye around his auditory, as if calculating the contents of +every pocket present, he commenced his address as +follows:—“Well, my good people, I suppose ye know that +to-morrow will be the <em>pattern</em><sup>1</sup><span class= +"sidenote">1. <em>Pattern</em>—a corruption of +<em>Patron</em>—means, in Ireland, the anniversary of the +Saint to whom a holy well has been consecrated, on which day the +peasantry make pilgrimages to the well.<br /> +2. Beads<br /> +3. Pretty girl</span> of Saint Fineen, and no doubt ye’ll all +be for going to the blessed well to say your +<em>padhereens</em>;<sup>2</sup> but I’ll go bail +there’s few of you ever heard the rason why the water of that +well won’t raise a lather, or wash anything clean, though you +were to put all the soap in Cork into it. Well, pay attintiou, and +I’ll tell you.—Mrs. Delany, can’t you keep your +child quiet while I’m spaking?—It happened a long while +ago, that Saint Fineen, a holy and devout Christian, lived all +alone, convaynient to the well; there he was to be found ever and +always praying and reading his breviary upon a cowld stone that lay +beside it. Onluckily enough, there lived also in the neighbourhood +a <em>callieen dhas</em><sup>3</sup> called Morieen, and this +Morieen had a fashion of coming down to the well every morning, at +sunrise, to wash her legs and feet; and, by all accounts, you +couldn’t meet a whiter or shapelier pair from this to Bantry. +Saint Fineen, however, was so disthracted in his heavenly +meditations, poor man! that he never once looked at them; but kept +his eyes fast on his holy books, while Morieen was rubbing and +lathering away, till the legs used to look like two beautiful +pieces of alabasther in the clear water. Matters went on this way +for some time, Morieen coming regular to the well, till one fine +morning, as she stepped into the water, without minding what she +was about, she struck her foot against a a stone and cut it.</p> +<p>“‘Oh! Millia murdher! What’ll I do?’ +cried the <em>callieen</em>, in the pitifulles voice you ever +heard.</p> +<p>“‘What’s the matter?’ said Saint +Fineen.</p> +<p>“‘I’ve cut my foot agin this misfortinat +stone,’ says she, making answer.</p> +<p>“Then Saint Fineen lifted up his eyes from his blessed +book, and he saw Morieen’s legs and feet.</p> +<p>“‘Oh! Morieen!’ says he, after looking awhile +at them, ‘what white legs you have got!’</p> +<p>“‘Have I?’ says she, laughing, ‘and how +do <em>you</em> know that?’</p> +<p>“Immediately the Saint remimbered himself, and being full +of remorse and conthrition for his fault, he laid his commands upon +the well, that its water should never wash anything white +again.—and, as I mentioned before, all the soap in Ireland +wouldn’t raise a lather on it since. Now that’s the +thrue histhory of St. Fineen’s blessed well; and I hope and +thrust it will be a saysonable and premonitory lesson to all the +young men that hears me, not to fall into the vaynial sin of +admiring the white legs of the girls.”</p> +<p>As soon as his reverence paused, a buzz of admiration ran +through the chapel, accompanied by that peculiar rapid noise made +by the lower class of an Irish Roman Catholic congregation, when +their feelings of awe, astonishment, or piety, are excited by the +preacher.<sup>4</sup><span class="sidenote">4. This sound, which is +produced by a quick motion of the tongue against the teeth and roof +of the mouth, may be expressed thus; “tth, tth, tth, tth, +tth.”</span></p> +<p>Father Frank having taken breath, and wiped his forehead, +resumed his address.</p> +<p>“I’m going to change my subject now, and I expect +attintion. Shawn Barry! Where’s Shawn Barry?”</p> +<p>“Here, your Rivirence,” replies a voice from the +depth of the crowd.</p> +<p>“Come up here, Shawn, ’till I examine you about your +Catechism and docthrines.”</p> +<p>A rough-headed fellow elbowed his way slowly through the +congregation, and moulding his old hat into a thousand grotesque +shapes, between his huge palms, presented himself before his +pastor, with very much the air of a puzzled philosopher.</p> +<p>“Well, Shawn, my boy, do you know what is the meaning of +Faith?”</p> +<p>“Parfictly, your Rivirence,” replied the fellow, +with a knowing grin. “Faith means when Paddy Hogan gives me +credit for half-a-pint of the best.”</p> +<p>“Get out of my sight, you ondaycent vagabond; you’re +a disgrace to my flock. Here, you Tom M’Gawley, what’s +Charity?”</p> +<p>“Bating a process-sarver, your Rivirence,” replied +Tom, promptly.</p> +<p>“Oh! blessed saints! how I’m persecuted with ye, +root and branch. Jim Houlaghan, I’m looking at you, there, +behind Peggy Callanane’s cloak; come up here, you hanging +<em>bone slieveen</em><sup>5</sup><span class="sidenote">5. A sly +rogue.</span> and tell me what is the Last Day?”</p> +<p>“I didn’t come to that yet, sir,” replied Jim, +scratching his head.</p> +<p>“I wouldn’t fear you, you bosthoon. Well, listen, +and I’ll tell you. It’s the day when you’ll all +have to settle your accounts, and I’m thinking there’ll +be a heavy score against some of you, if you don’t mind what +I’m saying to you. When that day comes, I’ll walk up to +Heaven and rap at the hall door. Then St. Pether, who will be +takin’ a nap after dinner in his arm-chair, inside, and not +liking ta be disturbed, will call out mighty surly, +‘Who’s there?’”</p> +<p>“‘It’s I, my Lord,’ I’ll make +answer.</p> +<p>“Av course, he’ll know my voice, and, jumping up +like a cricket, he’ll open the door as wide as the hinges +will let it, and say quite politely—</p> +<p>“‘I’m proud to see you here, Father Frank. +Walk in, if you plase.’</p> +<p>“Upon that I’ll scrape my feet, and walk in, and +then St. Pether will say agin—</p> +<p>“‘Well, Father Frank, what have you got to say for +yourself? Did you look well afther your flock; and mind to have +them all christened, and married, and buried, according to the +rites of our holy church?’</p> +<p>“Now, good people, I’ve been forty-five years +amongst you, and didn’t I christen every mother’s soul +of you?”</p> +<p><em>Congregation.</em>—You did,—you did,—your +Rivirence.</p> +<p><em>Father Frank.</em>—Well, and didn’t I bury the +most of you, too?</p> +<p><em>Congregation.</em>—You did, your Rivirence.</p> +<p><em>Father Frank.</em>—And didn’t I do my best to +get dacent matches for all your little girls? I And didn’t I +get good wives for all the well-behaved boys in my +parish?—Why don’t you spake up, Mick Donovan?</p> +<p><em>Mick.</em>—You did, your Rivirence.</p> +<p><em>Father Frank.</em>—Well, that’s +settled:—but then St. Pether will say—“Father +Frank,” says he, “you’re a proper man; but how +did your flock behave to you—did they pay you your dues +regularly?” Ah! good Christians, how shall I answer +<em>that</em> question? Put it in my power to say something good of +you: don’t be ashamed to come up and pay your priest’s +dues. Come,—make a lane there, and let ye all come up with +conthrite hearts and open hands. Tim Delaney!—make way for +Tim:—how much will you give, Tim?</p> +<p><em>Tim.</em>—I’ll not be worse than another, your +Riverence. I’ll give a crown.</p> +<p><em>Father Frank.</em>—Thank you, Timothy: the dacent drop +is in you. Keep a lane, there!—any of ye that hasn’t a +crown, or half-a-crown, don’t be bashful of coming up with +your <em>hog</em> or your <em>testher</em>.<sup>6</sup><span class= +"sidenote">6. A <em>shilling</em> or a +<em>sixpence</em>.</span></p> +<p>And thus Father Frank went on encouraging and wheedling his +flock to pay up his dues, until he had gone through his entire +congregation, when I left the chapel, highly amused at the +characteristic scene I had witnessed.</p> +<p class="rgt">X.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>A PRUDENT REASON.</h3> +<p>Our gallant Sibthorp was lately invited by a friend to accompany +him in a pleasure trip in his yacht to Cowes. “No!” +exclaimed Sib.; “you don’t catch me venturing near +<em>Cowes</em>.” “And why not?” inquired his +friend. “Because I was never vaccinated,” replied the +hirsute hero.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page126" name="page126"></a>[pg +126]</span> +<h2>DOCTOR PEEL TAKING TIME TO CONSULT.</h2> +<p>Once upon a time—says an old Italian novelist—a +horse fell, as in a fit, with his rider. The people, running from +all sides, gathered about the steed, and many and opposite were the +opinions of the sudden malady of the animal; as many the +prescriptions tendered for his recovery. At length, a great hubbub +arose among the mob; and a fellow, with the brass of a merryandrew, +and the gravity of a quack-doctor, pressed through the throng, and +approached the beast. Suddenly there was silence. It was plain to +the vulgar that the solemn new-comer had brought with him some +exquisite specific: it was evident, from the grave self-complacency +of the stranger, that with a glance, he had detected the cause of +sickness in the horse,—and that, in a few seconds, the +prostrate animal, revivified by the cunning of the sage, would be +up, and once more curvetting and caracoling. The master of the +steed eyed the stranger with an affectionate anxiety; the mob were +awed into breathless expectation. The wise man shook his head, put +his cane to his nose, and proceeded to open his mouth. It was plain +he was about to speak. Every ear throbbed and gaped to catch the +golden syllables. At length the doctor did speak: for casting about +him a look of the profoundest knowledge, and pointing to the steed, +he said, in a deep, solemn whisper,—“<em>Let the horse +alone!</em>” Saying this, the doctor vanished!</p> +<p>The reader will immediately make the application. The horse +<em>John Bull</em> is prostrate. It will be remembered that Colonel +SIBTHORP (that dull mountebank) spoke learnedly upon +glanders—that others declared the animal needed a lighter +burthen and a greater allowance of corn,—but that the +majority of the mob made way for a certain quacksalver PEEL, who +being regularly called in and fee’d for his advice, professed +himself to be possessed of some miraculous elixir for the suffering +quadruped. All eyes were upon the doctor—all ears open for +him, when lo! on the 16th of September,—PEEL, speaking with +the voice of an oracle, said—“It is not my intention in +the present session of Parliament to submit any measures for the +consideration of the House!” In other +words—“<em>Let the horse alone!</em>”</p> +<p>The praises of the Tory mob are loud and long at this wisdom of +the doctor. He had loudly professed an intimate knowledge of the +ailments of the horse—he had long predicted the fall of the +poor beast,—and now, when the animal is down, and a remedy is +looked for that shall once more set the creature on his legs, the +veterinary politician says—“<em>Let the horse +alone!</em>”</p> +<p>The speech of Sir ROBERT PEEL was a pithy illustration of the +good old Tory creed. He opens his oration with a benevolent and +patriotic yearning for the comforts of Parliamentary warmth and +ventilation. He moves for papers connected with “the building +of the two houses of Parliament, and with the adoption of measures +for <em>warming and ventilating</em> those houses!” The whole +policy of the Tories has ever exemplified their love of nice warm +places; though, certainly, they have not been very great sticklers +for atmospheric purity. Indeed, like certain other labourers, who +work by night, they have toiled in the foulest air,—have +profited by the most noisome labour. When Lord JOHN RUSSELL +introduced that imperfect mode of ventilation, the Reform Bill, +into the house, had he provided for a full and pure supply of +public opinion,—had he ventilated the Commons by a more +extended franchise,—Sir ROBERT PEEL would not, as minister, +have shown such magnanimous concern for the creature comforts of +Members of Parliament—he might, indeed, have still displayed +his undying love of a warm place; but he would not have enjoyed it +on the bench of the Treasury. As for ventilation, why, the creature +Toryism, like a frog, could live in the heart of a tree;—it +being always provided that the tree should bear golden pippins.</p> +<p>We can, however, imagine that this solicitude of Sir ROBERT for +the ease and comfort of the legislative Magi may operate to his +advantage in the minds of certain honest folk, touched by the +humanity which sheds so sweet a light upon the opening oration of +the new minister. “If”—they will doubtless +think—“the humane Baronet feels so acutely for the +Lords Spiritual and Temporal,—if he has this regard for the +convenience of only 658 knights and burgesses,—if, in his +enlarged humanity, he can feel for so helpless a creature as the +Earl of COVENTRY, so mild, so unassuming a prelate as the Bishop of +EXETER—if he can sympathise with the wants of even a +D’ISRAELI, and tax his mighty intellect to make even SIBTHORP +comfortable,—surely the same minister will have, aye, a +morbid sense of the wants, the daily wretchedness of hundreds of +thousands, who, with the fiend Corn Law grinning at their fireless +hearths—pine and perish in weavers’ hovels, for the +which there has as yet been <em>no</em> ‘adoption of measures +for the warming and ventilating.’” +“Surely”—they will think—“the man +whose sympathy is active for a few of the ‘meanest things +that live’ will gush with sensibility towards a countless +multitude, fluttering into rags and gaunt with famine. He will go +back to first principles; he will, with a giant’s arm, knock +down all the conventionalities built by the selfishness of +man—(and what a labourer is selfishness! there was no such +hard worker at the Pyramids or the wall of China)—between him +and his fellow! Hunger will be fed—nakedness will be +clothed—and God’s image, though stricken with age, and +broken with disease, be acknowledged; not in the cut-and-dried +Pharisaical phrase of trading Church-goers, as a thing vested with +immortality—as a creature fashioned for everlasting +solemnities—but <em>practically</em> treated as of the great +family of man—a brother, invited with the noblest of the +Cæsars, to an immortal banquet!”</p> +<p>Such may be the hopes of a few, innocent of the knowledge of the +stony-heartedness of Toryism. For ourselves, we hope nothing from +Sir ROBERT PEEL. His flourish on the warming and ventilation of the +new Houses of Parliament, taken in connexion with his opinions on +the Corn Laws, reminds us of the benevolence of certain people in +the East, who, careless and ignorant of the claims of their +fellow-men, yet take every pains to erect comfortable hospitals and +temples for dogs and vermin. Old travellers speak of these places, +and of men being hired that the sacred fleas might feed upon their +blood. Now, when we consider the history of legislation—when +we look upon many of the statutes emanating from +Parliament—how often might we call the House of Commons the +House of Fleas? To be sure, there is yet this great difference: the +poor who give their blood there, unlike the wretches of the East, +give it for nothing!</p> +<p>Sir ROBERT’S speech promises nothing whatever as to his +future policy. He leaves everything open. He will not say that he +will not go in precisely the line chalked out by the Whigs. +“Next session,” says. Sir ROBERT, “you shall see +what you shall see.” About next February, <em>Orson</em>, in +the words of the oracle in the melo-drama, will be “endowed +with reason.” Until then, we must accept a note-of-hand for +Sir ROBERT, that he may pay the expenses of the government.</p> +<blockquote> +<p>“I have already expressed my opinion, that it is +absolutely necessary to adopt some measures for equalising the +revenue and expenditure, and we will avail ourselves of the +earliest opportunity, after mature consideration of the +circumstances of the country, to submit to a committee of the whole +house measures for remedying the existing state of things. +<em>Whether that can be best done by diminishing the expenditure of +the country, or by increasing the revenue, or by a combination of +those two means—the reduction of the expenditure and the +increase of the revenue—I must postpone for future +consideration.</em>”</p> +</blockquote> +<p>Why, Sir ROBERT was called in because he knew the disease of the +patient. He had his remedy about him. The pills and the draught +were in his pocket—yes, in his patriotic poke; but he refused +to take the lid from the box—resolutely determined that the +cork should not be drawn from the all-healing phial—until he +was regularly called in; and, as the gypsies say, his hand crossed +with a bit of money. Well, he now swears with such vigour to the +excellence of his physic—he so talks for hours and hours upon +the virtues of his drugs, that at length a special messenger is +sent to him, and directions given that the Miraculous Doctor should +be received at the state entrance of the patient’s castle, +with every mark of consideration. The Doctor is ensured his fee, +and he sets to work. Thousands and thousands of hearts are beating +whilst his eye scrutinizes John Bull’s tongue—suspense +weighs upon the bosom of millions as the Doctor feels his pulse. +Well, these little ceremonies settled, the Doctor will, of course, +pull out his phial, display his boluses, and take his leave with a +promise of speedy health. By no means. “I must go +home,” says the Doctor, “and study your disease for a +few months; cull simples by moonlight; and consult the whole +Materia Medica; after that I’ll write you a prescription. For +the present, good morning.”</p> +<p>“But, my dear Doctor,” cries the patient, “I +dismissed my old physician, because you insisted that you knew my +complaint and its, remedy already.”</p> +<p>“That’s very true,” says Doctor PEEL, +“but <em>then</em> I wasn’t called in.”</p> +<p>The learned Baldæus tells us, that “Ceylon doctors +give <em>jackall’s flesh</em> for consumptions.” Now, +consumption is evidently John Bull’s malady; hence, we would +try the Ceylon prescription. The jackalls are the landowners; take +a little of <em>their flesh</em>, Sir ROBERT, and for once, spare +the bowels of the manufacturer.</p> +<p class="rgt">Q.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page127" name="page127"></a>[pg +127]</span> +<h2>PUNCH’S PENCILLINGS.—No. XI.</h2> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/011-08.png"><img src= +"images/011-08.png" alt= +"Two men play cards, surrounded by items marked 'Property Tax' and 'Cheap Bread'." +id="img011-08" name="img011-08" width="100%" /></a> +<p>PLAYING THE KNAVE.</p> +<p>DEDICATED TO THE MEMBERS OF ST. STEPHEN’S.</p> +</div> +<!-- [pg 128] --> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page129" name="page129"></a>[pg +129]</span> +<h2>BUNKS’S DISCOVERIES IN THE THAMES.</h2> +<p>A highly important and interesting survey of the coast between +Arundel-stairs and Hungerford-market pier, is now being executed, +under the superintendence of Bill Bunks, late commander of the +coal-barge “Jim Crow.” The result of his labours +hitherto have been of the most interesting nature to the natural +historian, the antiquarian, and the navigator. In his first report +to the magistrates of the Thames-police, he states that he has +advanced in his survey to Waterloo-bridge stairs, which he +describes as a good landing-place for wherries, funnies, and small +craft, but inadequate as a harbour for vessels of great burthen. +The shore from Arundel-street, as far as he has explored, consists +chiefly of a tenacious, dark-coloured substance, very closely +resembling thick mud, intermixed with loose shingles, pebbles, and +coal-slates. The depth of water is uncertain, as it varies with the +tide, which he ascertains rises and falls every six hours; the +greatest depth of water being usually found at the time when the +tide is full in, and <em>vice versa</em>. He has also made the +valuable discovery, that a considerable portion of the shore is +always left uncovered at low water, at which periods he availed +himself of the opportunity afforded him of examining it more +minutely, and of collecting a large number of curious specimens in +natural history, and interesting antiquarian relics. As we have had +the privilege of being permitted to view them in the private museum +of the +“Stangate-and-Milbank-both-sides-of-the-water-united-for-the-advancement- +of-Science-Association,” we are enabled to lay before our +readers the particulars of a few of these spoils, which the +perseverance and intrepidity of our gallant countryman, Bill Bunks, +has rescued from the hungry jaws of the rapacious deep; +viz.:—</p> +<ol> +<li> +<p>“<em>A case of shells.</em>” The greater number of +the specimens are pronounced, by competent judges, to be shells of +the native oyster; a fact worthy of note, as it proves the +existence, in former ages, of an oyster-bed on this spot, and +oysters being a sea-fish, it appears evident that either the sea +has removed from London, or London has withdrawn itself from the +sea. The point is open to discussion. We hope that the +“Hookham-cum-Snivey Institution” will undertake the +solution of it at one of their early meetings.</p> +</li> +<li> +<p>“<em>The neck of a black bottle, with a cork in +it.</em>” This is a very interesting object of art, and one +which has given rise to considerable discussion amongst the +<em>literati</em>. The cork, which is inserted in the fragment of +the neck, is quite perfect; it has been impressed with a seal in +reddish-coloured wax; a portion of it remains, with a partly +obliterated inscription, in Roman characters, of which we have been +enabled to give the accompanying fac-simile.</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/011-09.png"><img src= +"images/011-09.png" alt= +"A partially obliterated seal, marked 'BR / PAT / BR'." id= +"img011-09" name="img011-09" width="30%" /></a></div> +<p>With considerable difficulty we have deciphered the legend +thus:—The first letter B has evidently been a mistake of the +engraver, who meant it for a P, the similarity of the sounds of the +two letters being very likely to lead him into such an error. With +this slight alteration, we have only to add the letter O to the +first line, and we shall have “PRO.” It requires little +acuteness to discover that the second word, if complete, would be +“PATRIA;” and the letters BR, the two lowest of the +inscription, only want the addition of the letters IT to make +“BRIT.” or “BRITANNIARUM.” The legend would +then run, “PRO PATRIA BRITANNIARUM,” which there is +good reason to suppose was the inscription on the cellar seal of +Alfred the Great, though some presumptuous and common-minded +persons have asserted that the legend, if perfect, would read, +“BRETT’S PATENT BRANDY.” Every antiquarian has, +however, indignantly refused to admit such a degrading +supposition.</p> +</li> +<li> +<p>“<em>A perfect brick, and two broken tiles.</em>” +The first of these articles is in a high state of preservation, and +from the circumstance of portions of mortar being found adhering to +it, it is supposed that it formed part of the old London Wall. We +examined the fragments of the tiles carefully, but found no +inscription or other data, by which to ascertain their probable +antiquity: the tiles, in short, are buried in mystery.</p> +</li> +<li> +<p>“<em>A fossil flat-iron.</em>” This antediluvian +relic was found imbedded in a Sandy deposite opposite +Surrey-street, near high-water mark.</p> +</li> +<li> +<p>“<em>An ancient leather buskin,</em>” supposed to +have belonged to one of the Saxon kings. This singular covering for +the foot reaches no higher than the ancle, and is laced up the +front with a leathern thong, like a modern highlow, to which it +bears a very decided resemblance.</p> +</li> +<li> +<p>“<em>A skeleton of some unknown animal.</em>” +Antiquarians cannot agree to what genus this animal belonged; +ignorant people imagine it to have been a cat.</p> +</li> +<li> +<p>“<em>A piece of broken porcelain.</em>” This is an +undoubted relic of Roman manufacture, and appears to have formed +part of a plate. The blue “willow pattern” painted on +it shows the antiquity of that popular design.</p> +</li> +</ol> +<p>There are several other extremely rare and curious antiquities +to be seen in this collection, which we have not space to notice at +present, but shall take an early opportunity of returning to the +valuable discoveries made by the indefatigable Mr. Bunks.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>A NEW CONJURING COMPANY.</h3> +<p>A report of so extraordinary a nature has just reached us, that +we hasten to be the first, as usual, to lay the outlines of it +before our readers, with the same early authenticity that has +characterised all our other communications. Mr. Yates is at present +in Paris, arranging matters with Louis Philippe and his family, to +appear at the Adelphi during the ensuing season!!</p> +<p>It would appear that the mania for great people wishing to strut +and fret their four hours and a quarter upon the stage is on the +increase—at least according to our friends the constituent +members of the daily press. Despite the newspaper-death of the +manager of the Surrey, by which his enemies wished to +“<em>spargere voces in vulgum ambiguas</em>” to his +prejudice (which means, in plain English, to tell lies of him +behind his back), we have seen the report contradicted, that Mrs. +Norton was about to appear there in a new equestrian spectacle, +with double platforms, triple studs of Tartar hordes, and the other +amphitheatrical enticers. We ourselves can declare, that there is +no foundation in the announcement, no more than in the <em>on +dit</em> that the Countess of Blessington was engaged as a +counter-attraction, for a limited number of nights, at the +Victoria; or her lovely niece—a <em>power</em> in +herself—had been prevailed upon to make her +<em>début</em> at the Lyceum, in a new piece of a peculiar +and unprecedented plot, which was prevented from coming off by some +disagreement as to terms between the principal parties concerned. +For true theatrical intelligence, our columns alone are to be +relied upon; bright as a column of sparkling water, overpowering as +a column of English cavalry, overlooking all London at once, as the +column of the Monument, but <em>not</em> so heavy as the column of +the Duke of York.</p> +<p><em>Mais revenons à nos moutons</em>: which implies (we +are again compelled to translate, and this time it is for the +benefit of those who have not been to Boulogne), “we spoke of +Louis Philippe and his family.” This sagacious monarch, +foreseeing that the French were in want of some new excitement, and +grieving to find that the <em>pompe funèbre</em> of +Napoleon, and the inauguration of his statue upon the monument of +the victories that never took place, had not made the intense +impression upon the minds of his vivacious subjects that he had +intended it should produce, begins to think, that before long a +fresh <em>émeute</em> will once more throw up the barricades +and paving-stones in the Rue St. Honoré and Boulevard des +Italiens. As such, with the prudent foresight which has hitherto +directed all his proceedings, he is naturally looking forward to +the best means of gaining an honest livelihood for himself and +family, should a corrupted national guard, or an excited St. +Antoine mob take it into their heads to dine in the Tuileries +without being asked. Having read in the English newspapers, which +he regularly peruses, of the astounding performances of the Wizard +of the North at the Adelphi, more especially as regards the +“paralysing gun delusion,” he commences to imagine that +he is well qualified to undertake the same responsibility, more +especially from the practice he has had in that line from pistols, +rifles, fowling-pieces, and, above all, twenty-barrel infernal +machines. He has therefore offered his services at the Adelphi, and +Mr. Yates, with his accustomed energy, and avowed propensity for +French translations, has agreed to bring him over. If we remember +truly, the Wizard says in his programme, that the secret shall die +with him. We beg to inform him, in all humility, that he deceives +himself, for Louis Philippe and the Duke d’Aumale know the +trick as well as he does. They would ride through two lines of +<em>sans culottes</em>, all armed to the teeth, without the least +injury. They would catch the bullets in their teeth, and take them +home as curiosities.</p> +<p>Orleans, from his knowledge of the English language, will +probably become the adapter of the pieces “from the +French” about to be produced. The Duke de Nemours will be +engaged to play the fops in the light comedies, a line which, it is +anticipated, he will shine in; and the Prince de Joinville can +dance a capital sailor’s hornpipe, which he learnt on board +the <em>Belle Poule</em>, a name which our own sailors, with an +excusable disregard for genders, converted into “The Jolly +Cock.” Of course, from his late experience, d’Aumale +will assist Louis Philippe, upon emergency, in the gun trick, and, +with the other attractions, a profitable season is sure to +result.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>AN EXTENSIVE SACRIFICE.</h3> +<p>By Dr. Reid’s new plan for ventilating the House of +Commons, a porous hair carpet will be required for the floor; to +provide materials for which Mr. Muntz has, in the most handsome +manner, offered to shave off his beard and whiskers. This is true +magnanimity—Muntz is a noble fellow! and the lasting +gratitude of the House is due to him and his <em>hairs</em> for +ever.</p> +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page130" name="page130"></a>[pg +130]</span> +<h3>FASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE.</h3> +<p>It is expected that Mr. Snooks and family will pass the winter +at Battersea, as the warmth of the climate is strongly recommended +for the restoration of the health of Mrs. Snooks, who is in a state +of such alarming delicacy, as almost to threaten a realisation of +the fears of her best friends and the hopes of the black-job master +who usually serves the family.</p> +<p>Mr. Snivins gave a large tea-party, last week, at Greenwich, +where the boiling water was supplied by the people of the house, +the essentials having been brought by the visitors.</p> +<p>Mr. Popkins has left his attic in the New-Cut, for a +<em>tour</em> on the Brixton tread-mill.</p> +<p>K 32 left his official residence at the station-house, for his +beat in Leicester-square, and repaired at once to a public-house in +the neighbourhood, where he had an audience of several +pickpockets.</p> +<p>We are authorised to state, that there is no foundation whatever +for the report that a certain well-known policeman is about to lead +to the altar a certain unknown lady. The rumour originated in his +having been seen leading her before the magistrate.</p> +<p>Dick Wiggins transacted business yesterday in Cold Bath-fields, +and picked the appointed quantity of oakum.</p> +<p>Mr. Baron Nathan has left Margate for Kennington. We have not +heard whether he was accompanied by the Baroness. The Honourable +Miss Nathan, when we last heard of her, was dancing a hornpipe +among a shilling’s worth of new laid eggs, at Tivoli.</p> +<p>A few minutes after Sir Robert Peel left Privy-Gardens, in a +carriage and four, for Claremont, Sam Snoxell jumped up behind the +Brighton stage, from which he descended, after having been whipped +down, at Kennington.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>IMPORTANT INVENTION.</h3> +<p>The celebrated <em>savant</em> Sir Peter Laurie, whose +scientific labours to discover the cause of the variation of the +weathercock on Bow Church, have astonished the Lord Mayor and the +Board of Aldermen, has lately turned his attention to the subject +of railroads. The result of his profound cogitations has been +highly satisfactory. He has produced a plan for a railway on an +entirely new principle, which will combine cheapness and security +in an extraordinary degree. We have been favoured with a view of +the inventor’s plans, and we have no hesitation in saying +that, if adopted, the most timid person may, with perfect safety, +take</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/011-10.png"><img src= +"images/011-10.png" alt="A person sits on a fence rail." id= +"img011-10" name="img011-10" width="50%" /></a> +<p>A RIDE ON THE RAIL.</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>THE BATTLE AND THE BREEZE.</h3> +<p>Our readers are informed that, despite the belligerent character +of the correspondence between the fierce Fitz-Roy and the +“Gentle” Shepherd, although it came to a slight +<em>blow</em>, there is nothing to warrant an anticipation of +their</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/011-11.png"><img src= +"images/011-11.png" alt= +"A person scales a ladder to dump a basket in a cart." id= +"img011-11" name="img011-11" width="50%" /></a> +<p>GETTING UP THE BREEZE.</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>THE FASTING PHENOMENON.</h3> +<p>The Tories have engaged Bernard Cavanagh, the Irish fasting +phenomenon, to give lectures on his system of abstinence, which +they think might be beneficially introduced amongst the +working-classes of England. This is a truly Christian principle of +government, for while the people <em>fast</em>, the ministers will +not fail to <em>prey</em>.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<h2>TORY BOONS.</h2> +<h4><em>Air</em>.—“NORA CREINA”</h4> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>The Whigs they promised every day</p> +<p class="i2">To cure the ills which did surround us;</p> +<p>It should have been, “no cure, no pay!”</p> +<p class="i2">For now we’re worse than when they found +us.</p> +<p>The Tory clique at length are in,</p> +<p class="i2">And vow that they will save the nation,</p> +<p>So kindly give us, to begin—</p> +<p class="i2">Exchequer bills and ventilation.</p> +<p class="i4">Oh! the artful Tories <em>dear</em>,</p> +<p class="i6">Oh! the <em>dear</em>, the artful Tories</p> +<p class="i4">They alone perceive, ’tis clear,</p> +<p class="i6">That taxes tend to England’s glories.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>The Whigs declared cheap bread was good;</p> +<p class="i2">To satisfy the people’s cravings</p> +<p>They tried to take the tax off wood—</p> +<p class="i2">Lord knows what might be done with shavings!</p> +<p>The Tories vow these schemes were wrong,</p> +<p class="i2">And adverse to good legislation;</p> +<p>Therefore, propose (so runs our song)—</p> +<p class="i2">Exchequer bills and ventilation.</p> +<p class="i4">Oh! the artful Tories <em>dear</em>,</p> +<p class="i6">Oh! the <em>dear</em> and artful Tories;</p> +<p class="i4">They alone perceive, ’tis clear,</p> +<p class="i6">Taxes tend to England’s glories.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>The Whigs became the poor man’s foe,</p> +<p class="i2">Mix’d ashes in his cup of sorrow;</p> +<p>Nor thought the pauper’s “lot of woe,”</p> +<p class="i2">Perchance might be their own to-morrow.</p> +<p>The Tories said they were his friend,</p> +<p class="i2">That they abhorr’d procrastination;</p> +<p>So give—till next July shall end—</p> +<p class="i2">Exchequer bills and ventilation.</p> +<p class="i4">Oh! the artful Tories <em>dear</em>,</p> +<p class="i6">Oh! the <em>dear</em> and artful Tories;</p> +<p class="i4">They alone perceive, ’tis clear,</p> +<p class="i6">Taxes tend to England’s glories.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>RECREATION FOR THE PUBLIC.</h3> +<p>Sir Robert Peel seems impressed with the necessity of providing +the citizens of London with additional parks, where they may +recreate themselves, and breathe the free air of heaven. But, +strange as it may seem, the people cannot live on fresh air, +unaccompanied by some stomachic of a more substantial nature; yet +they are forbidden to grumble at the diet, or, if they do, they are +silenced according to the good old Tory plan of</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/011-12.png"><img src= +"images/011-12.png" alt= +"Canons fire on people carrying signs reading 'THE CHARTER'" id= +"img011-12" name="img011-12" width="50%" /></a> +<p>OPENING A PARK FOR THE PEOPLE.</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<p>Colonel Sibthorp thinks he recollects having been Hannibal +once—long ago—although he cannot account for his having +been beaten in the <em>Pun</em>-ic war.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>THE LIGHT OF ALL NATIONS.</h3> +<p>The public are aware that this important national undertaking, +which is now about to be commenced, is to be a prodigious cast-iron +light-house on the Goodwin Sands. Peter Borthwick and our Sibby are +already candidates for the office of universal illuminators. Peter +rests his claims chiefly on the brilliancy of his ideas, as +exemplified in his plan for lighting the metropolis with bottled +moonshine; while Sib. proudly refers to our columns for +imperishable evidences of the intensity of his wit, conscious that +these alone would entitle him to be called “the light of all +nations.” We trust that Sir Robert Peel will exercise a sound +discretion in bestowing this important situation. Highly as we +esteem Peter’s dazzling talents—profoundly as we admire +his bottled moonshine scheme—we feel there is no man in the +world more worthy of being elevated to the lantern than our +refulgent friend Sibthorp.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page131" name="page131"></a>[pg +131]</span> +<h2>A SHORT TREATISE OF DRAMATIC CASUALTIES.</h2> +<h3>VERY PROFITABLE TO READ.</h3> +<p>Let our Treatise of Dramatic Casualties be that which treateth +of the misfortunes contingent upon the profession of dramatic +authors. Now, of unfortunate dramatic authors there be two grand +kinds—namely, they that be unfortunate before the production +of their works, and they that be unfortunate after the production +of their works.</p> +<p>And first, among them that be unfortunate before the production +of their works may he enumerated—</p> +<ol style="list-style-position: inside;"> +<li>—He that, having but one manuscript of his piece leaveth +the same with the manager for inspection, and it falleth out that +he seeth it no more, neither heareth thereof.</li> +<li>—He that having translated a piece from the French, and +bestowed thereon much time, findeth himself forestalled.</li> +<li>—He that, having written a pantomime, carrieth it in his +pocket, and straight there cometh a dishonest person, who, taking +the same, selleth it for waste paper.</li> +<li>—He that presenteth his piece to all the theatres in +succession, and lo! it ever returneth, accompanied with a polite +note expressive of disapprobation or the like.</li> +<li>—He whose piece is approved by the manager, but, +nevertheless, the same produceth it not, for divers reasons, which +do vary at every interview.</li> +<li>—He that communicateth the idea of a yet unwritten drama +to a friend, who, being of a fair wit, and prompt withal, useth the +same to his own ends and reapeth the harvest thereof.</li> +</ol> +<p>And secondly, of them that be unfortunate after the production +of their works, there be some whose pieces are successful, and +there be some whose pieces are not successful.</p> +<p>And firstly, of unfortunate authors whose pieces are +unsuccessful there be—</p> +<ol style="list-style-position: inside;"> +<li>—Those who write a piece which faileth through its own +demerits, which may be, as— +<ol type="A"> +<li>—He that writeth a farce or comedy, and neglecteth to +introduce jokes in the same.</li> +<li>—He that writeth a farce or comedy, and introduceth bad +jokes in the same.</li> +<li>—He that writeth a farce or comedy, and introduceth old +jokes in the same.</li> +<li>—He that writeth a tragedy, and introduceth matter for +merriment therein.</li> +<li>—He that, in either tragedy, comedy, farce, or other +entertainment, shocketh the propriety of the audience, or causeth a +division in the same, by political allusions.</li> +</ol> +</li> +<li>—He that writeth a piece which faileth, though not +through its own demerits, which may be, as— +<ol type="A"> +<li>—When the principal actor, not having the author’s +words by heart, and being of a suggestive wit and good assurance, +substituteth others, which he deemeth sufficient.</li> +<li>—When the principal actor, not having the author’s +words by heart, and being of a dull and heavy turn, and deaf +withal, substituteth nothing, but standeth aghast, yearning for the +voice of the prompter.</li> +<li>—When the scene-shifter ingeniously introduceth a forest +into a bed-chamber, or committeth the like incongruity, marvellous +pleasant and mirthful to behold, but in no way conducive to +success.</li> +<li>—When pistols or other fire-arms do miss fire; when red +fire igniteth not, or igniteth the scenes; when a trap-door +refuseth to open, a rope to draw, and the like.</li> +<li>—When the author intrusteth his principal part to a new +actor, and it falleth out that the same doth grievously offend the +audience, who straight insist that he do quit the stage, whereby +the ruin of the piece is consummated.</li> +<li>—Likewise there be misfortunes that arise from the +audience; as, when at a momentous point of the plot there entereth +one heated with liquor, and causeth a disturbance, or a woman with +a huge bonnet becometh the subject of a discussion as to her right +to wear the same, and impede the view of them that be behind; also +when there cometh in a ruffian, or more, in a pea-coat, who having +been charged by an enemy to work the ruin of the piece, +endeavoureth to do the same, by dint of hisses or other unseemly +noises, all of which be highly pernicious.</li> +</ol> +</li> +</ol> +<p>Secondly, of those unfortunate authors who have been successful, +there be—</p> +<ol style="list-style-position: inside;"> +<li>—He whose piece, albeit successful, is withdrawn to make +room for the Christmas pantomine, Easter piece, or other +entertainment equally cherished by the manager, who thereupon +groundeth a plea of non-payment.</li> +<li>—He who being a creditor of the manager, and the same +being unable to meet his obligations, by an ingenious contrivance +of the law becometh cleansed thereof, an operation which hath been +conceitedly termed “whitewashing.”</li> +<li>—He that writeth a piece with a friend, and the same +claimeth the entire authorship thereof and emolument +therefrom.</li> +</ol> +<p>And there be divers other calamities which we have neither space +nor time to enumerate, but which be all incentives to abstain from +dramatic writing.</p> +<p class="rgt">PERDITUS.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<h2>PUNCH’S THEATRE.</h2> +<h3>JACK KETCH; OR, A LEAF FROM TYBURN TREE.</h3> +<p>Modern legislation is chiefly remarkable for its oppressive +interference with the elegant amusements of the mob. +Bartholomew-fair is abolished; bull-baiting, cock-pits, and +duck-hunts are put down by act of Parliament; prize-fighting, by +the New Police—even those morally healthful exhibitions, +formerly afforded opposite the Debtors’ Door of Newgate, for +the sake of <em>example</em>—that were attended by idlers in +hundreds, and thieves in thousands—are fast growing into +disuse. The “masses” see no pleasure now: even the +hanging-matches are cut off.</p> +<p>Deeply compassionating the effects of so illiberal an +innovation, Mr. G. Almar the author to, and Mr. R. Honner the +proprietor of, Sadler’s Wells Theatre, have produced an +exhibition which in a great degree makes up for the infrequent +performances at the Old Bailey. Those whose moral sensibilities are +refined to the choking point—who can relish stage +strangulation in all its interesting varieties better than +Shakspere, are now provided with a rich treat. They need not wait +for the Recorder’s black cap and a black Monday +morning—the Sadler’s Wells’ people hang every +night with great success; for, unless one goes early, there +is—as is the case wherever hanging takes place—no +<em>standing room</em> to be had for love or money.</p> +<p>The play is simply the history of Jack Ketch, a gentleman who +flourished at the beginning of the last century, and who, by +industry and perseverance, attained to the rank of public +executioner; an office he performed with such skill and effect that +his successors have, as the bills inform us, inherited “his +soubriquet” with his office. He is introduced to the audience +as a ropemaker’s apprentice, living in the immediate +neighbourhood of Execution-Dock, and loving <em>Barbara Allen</em>, +“a young spinster residing at the Cottage of Content, upon +the borders of Epping Forest, supporting herself by the produce of +her wheel and the cultivation of her flower-garden.” He +beguiles his time, while twisting the hemp, by spinning a tedious +yarn about this well-to-do spinster; from which we infer +<em>Barbara’s</em> barbarity, and that he is crossed in love. +The soliloquy is interrupted by an elderly man, who enters to +remark that he has come out for a little relaxation after a hard +morning’s work: no wonder, for we soon learn that he is the +<em>Jack Ketch</em> of his day, and has, but an hour before, tucked +up two brace of pirates. With this pleasing information, and a +sharp dialogue on his favourite subject with the hero, he +retires.</p> +<p>Here the interest begins; three or four foot-stamps are heard +behind; <em>Jack</em> starts—“Ah, that noise,” +&c.—and on comes the author of the piece, “his +first appearance here these five years.” He approaches the +foot-lights—he turns up his eyes—he thumps his +breast—and goes through this exercise three or four times, +before the audience understand that they are to applaud. They do +so; and the play goes on as if nothing had happened; for this is an +episode expressive of a “first appearance these five +years.” <em>Gipsy George</em> or Mr. G. Almar, whichever you +please, having assured <em>Jack Ketch</em> that he is starving and +in utter destitution, proceeds to give five shillings for a piece +of rope, and walks away, after taking great pains to assure +everybody that he is going to hang himself. Before, however, he has +had time to make the first coil of a hempen collar, <em>Jack</em> +looks off, and descries the stranger in the last agonies of +strangulation, amidst the most deafening applause from the +audience, whose disgust is indignantly expressed by silence when he +exits to cut the man down. Their delight is only revived by the +apparition of <em>Gipsy George</em>, pale and ghastly, <em>with the +rope round his neck</em>, and the exclamation that he is +“done for.” <em>Barabbas</em>, the hangman, who +re-appears with the rest, is upbraided by <em>Jack</em> for coolly +looking on and letting the man hang himself, without raising an +alarm. Mr. B. answers, that “it was no business of +his.” Like Sir Robert Peel and the rest of the profession, it +was evidently his maxim not to interfere, unless “regularly +called in.” The <em>Gipsy</em>, so far from dying, recovers +sufficiently to make to <em>Jack</em> some important disclosures; +but of that mysterious kind peculiar to melodrama, by which nobody +is the wiser. They, however, bear reference to +<em>Jack’s</em> deceased father, a clasp-knife, a certain +<em>Sir Gregory</em> of “the gash,” and the four +gentlemen so recently suspended at Execution-Dock.</p> +<p>The residence of Content and Barbara Allen is a scene, the +minute correctness of which it would be wicked to doubt, when the +bills so solemnly guarantee that it is copied from the “best +authorities.” <em>Barbara</em> opens the door, makes a +curtsey, produces a purse, and after saying she is going to pay her +rent, is, by an ingenious contrivance of the Sadler’s +Wells’ Shakspere, confronted with her landlord, the <em>Sir +Gregory</em> before-mentioned. All stage-landlords are villains, +who prefer seduction to rent, and he of the “gash” is +no exception. The struggle, rescue, and duel, which follow, are got +through in no time. The last would certainly have been fatal, had +not the assailant’s servant come on to announce that “a +gentleman wished to speak to him at his own residence.” The +lover (who is of course the rescuer) deems this a sufficient excuse +to let off his antagonist without a scratch; <em>Barbara</em> +rewards him with an embrace and a rose, just as another rival +intrudes himself in the person of <em>Mr. John Ketch</em>. The +altercation which now ensues is but slight; for <em>Jack</em>, +instead of fighting, goes off to Fairlop-fair with another young +lady, who seems to come upon the stage for no other purpose than to +oblige him. At the fair we find <em>Jack’s</em> spirits +considerably damped by the prediction of a gipsy, that he will +marry a hangman’s daughter; but, after the jumping in sacks, +which forms a part of the sports, he rescues <em>Barbara</em> from +being once more assailed by her landlord. Thereupon another +component of the festive scene—our friend the +hangman—declares that she is his daughter! +“Horror” tableau, and end of Act I.</p> +<p>After establishing a lapse of four years between the acts, the +author takes <span class="pagenum"><a id="page132" name= +"page132"></a>[pg 132]</span>high ground;—we are presented +with the summit of Primrose-hill, St. Paul’s in the distance, +and a gentleman with black clothes, and literary habits, reading in +the foreground. This turns out to be “The Laird +Lawson,” <em>Barbara’s</em> favoured lover and +benevolent duellist. Though on the top of Cockney Mount, he is +suffering under a deep depression of spirits; for he has never seen +<em>Miss Allen</em> during four years, come next Fairlop-fair. +Having heard this, the audience is, of course, quite prepared for +that lady’s appearance; and, sure enough, on she comes, +accounting for her presence with great adroitness:—having +left the city to go to Holloway, she is taking a short cut over +Primrose-hill. The lovers go through the mode of recognition never +departed from at minor theatres, with the most frantic energy, and +have nearly hugged themselves out of breath, when the executioner +papa interrupts the blissful scene, without so much as saying how +he got there; but “finishers” are mysterious beings. +<em>Barabbas</em> denounces the laird; and when his consent is +asked for the hand of <em>Miss Barbara</em>, tells the lover +“he will see him hanged first!”</p> +<p>The moon, a dark stage, and <em>Jack Ketch</em> in the character +of a foot-pad, now add to the romance of the drama. Not to leave +anything unexplained, the hero declares, that he has cut the walk +of life he formerly trod in the rope ditto, and has been induced to +take to the road solely by Fate, brandy and (not salt, but) +<em>Barbara!</em> By some extraordinary accident, every character +in the piece, with two exceptions, have occasion to tread this +scene—“Holloway and heath near the village of +Holloway” (painted from the best authorities), just exactly +in time to be robbed by <em>Ketch</em>; who shows himself a perfect +master of his business, and a credit to his instructor; for +<em>Gipsy George</em> rewards <em>Jack</em> for saving him from +hanging, by showing his friend the shortest way to the gallows.</p> +<p>In the following scene, the plot breaks out in a fresh place. +The man with the “gash,” and <em>Gipsy George</em> are +together, going over some youthful reminiscences. It seems that +once upon a time there were six pirates; four were those pendents +from the gibbet at Execution-Dock one hears so much about at the +commencement; the fifth is the speaker, <em>Gipsy George</em>; and +“you,” exclaims that person, striking an attitude, and +addressing <em>Sir Gregory</em>, “make up the +half-dozen!” They all formerly did business in a ship called +the “Morning Star,” and whenever the ex-pirate number +five is in pecuniary distress, he bawls out into the ear of +<em>ci-devant</em> pirate number six, the words “Morning +Star!” and a purse of hush-money is forked out in a trice. In +this manner <em>Gipsy George</em> accumulates, by the end of the +piece, a large property; for six or eight purses, all ready filled +for each occasion, thus pass into his pockets.</p> +<p>The “best authorities” furnish us, next, with an +interior; that of “the Mug, a chocolate house and +tavern,” where a new plot is hatched against the crown and +dignity of the late respected George the First, by a party of +Jacobites. These consist of a half-dozen of Hanoverian Whigs, who +enter, duly decorated with an equal number of hats of every variety +of cock and cockade. The heroine seems to have engaged herself here +as waitress, on purpose to meet her persecutor, <em>Sir +Gregory</em>, and her late lover, <em>Jack Ketch</em>. What comes +of this rencontre it is impossible to make out, for a general +<em>mélée</em> ensues, caused by a discovery of the +plot; which is by no means a gunpowder plot; for although a file of +soldiers present their arms for several minutes full at the +conspirators, not a single musket goes off. Perhaps gunpowder was +expensive in the reign of George the First. <em>Jack Ketch</em> +ends the act with a dream—an <em>apropos finale</em>, for we +caught several of our neighbours napping. The scene in which this +vision takes place is the crowning result of the painter’s +researches amongst the “best authorities;” it being no +less than “a garret in Grub-street, <em>in which the great +Daniel De Foe composed his romance of Robinson +Crusoe!!</em>”</p> +<p>A fishing-party—whose dulness is relieved by a +suicide—opens the last act: one of the anglers having +finished a comic song—which from its extreme gravity forms an +appropriate dirge to the forthcoming felo-de-se—goes off with +his companion to leave the water clear for <em>Barbara Allen</em>, +who enters, takes an affecting leave of her laird lover, and +straightway drowns herself. <em>Jack Ketch</em> is now, by a rapid +change of scene, discovered in limbo, and condemned to death; why, +we were too stupid to make out. The fatal cart—very likely +modelled after “the best authorities”—next +occupies the stage, drawn by a real horse, and filled with <em>Sir +Gregory Gash</em> (who it seems is going to be hanged) and <em>Jack +Ketch</em> not as a prisoner, but as an officer of the crown; for +we are to suppose that <em>Mr. Barabbas</em>, having retired from +the public scaffold to private life, has seceded in favour of +<em>Jack Ketch</em>, who is saved from the rope himself, on +condition of his using it upon the person of <em>Sir Gregory</em> +and every succeeding criminal. All the characters come on with the +cart, and a <em>dénouement</em> evidently impends. The +distracted lover demands of somebody to restore his mistress, which +<em>Gipsy George</em> is really so polite as to do; for although +the bills expressly inform us she has committed +“suicide,” and we have actually seen her jump into the +river Lea; yet there she is safe and sound!—carefully +preserved in an envelope formed partly by the <em>Gipsy</em> +himself, and partly by his cloak. She, of course, embraces her +lover, and leaves <em>Jack Ketch</em> to embrace his profession +with what appetite he may; all, in fact, ends happily, and <em>Sir +Gregory</em> goes off to be hanged.</p> +<p>This, then, is the state to which the founders of the Newgate +school of dramatic literature, and the march of intellect, have +brought us. Nothing short of actual hanging—the most +revolting and repulsive of all possible subjects to enter, much +less to dwell in any mind not actually savage—must now be +provided to meet the refined taste of play-goers. In the present +instance, nothing but the actual <em>spiciness</em> of the subject +saved the piece from the last sentence of even Sadler’s +Wells’ critical law; for in construction and detail, it is +the veriest mass of incoherent rubbish that was ever shot upon the +plains of common sense. The sketch we have made is in no one +instance exaggerated. Our readers may therefore easily judge +whether we speak truly or not.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<h2>PUNCH AT THE NEW STRAND.</h2> +<p>When Napoleon first appeared before the grand army after his +return from Elba—when Queen Victoria made her +<em>débût</em> at the assemblage of her first +parliament—when Kean performed “Othello” at Drury +Lane immediately after he had caused a certain friend of his to +play the same part in the Court of King’s Bench—the +public mind was terribly agitated, and the public’s legs +instinctively carried them, on each occasion, to behold those great +performers. When—to give these circumstances their highest +application,—“Punch,” on Thursday last, came out +in the regular drama, the excitement was no less intense. Boxes +were besieged; the pit was choked up, and the gallery creaked with +its celestial encumbrance.</p> +<p>As the curtain drew up, there would have been a death-like +silence but for the unparalleled sales that were taking place in +apples, oranges, and ginger-beer. Expectation was on tip-toe, as +were the persons occupying that department of the theatre called +“standing-room.” The looked-for moment came; the +“drop” ascended, and the spectators beheld <em>Mr. +Dionysius Swivel</em>, a pint of ale, and Punch’s +theatre!</p> +<p>“Tragedy,” saith the Aristotelian recipe for cooking +up a serious drama, “should have the probable, the +marvellous, and the pathetic.” In the <em>tableau</em> thus +presented, the audience beheld the three conditions strictly +complied with all at once. “It was highly probable,” as +<em>Mr. Swivel</em> observed to the source of pipes, ’bacca, +and malt—in other words, to the landlady he was +addressing—that his master, the showman, was unable to pay +the score he had run up; it was marvellous that the proprietor of +so popular a puppet as “Punch” should not have even the +price of a pint of ale in his treasury; lastly, that circumstance +was deeply pathetic; for what so heart-rending as the exhibition of +fallen greatness, of broken-down prosperity, of affluence regularly +stumped and hard-up! The fact is, that “Punch,” his +theatre, and <em>corps dramatique</em>, are in pawn for +eight-and-ninepence!</p> +<p>In the midst of this distress there appears a young gentleman, +giving vent to passionate exclamations, while furiously buttoning +up a tight surtout. The object of his love is the daughter of the +object of his hate. <em>Mr. Snozzle</em>, having previously made +his bow, overhears him, and being the acting manager of +“Punch,” and having a variety of plots for rescuing +injured lovers from inextricable difficulties on hand, offers one +of them to the lover, considerably over cost price; namely, for the +puppet-detaining eight-and-ninepence, and a glass of +brandy-and-water. The bargain being struck, the scene changes.</p> +<p>To the happiness of being the possessor of “Punch,” +<em>Mr. Snozzle</em> adds that of having a wonderful wife—a +lady of universal talents; who dances in spangled shoes, plays on +the tamburine, and sings Whitechapel French like a native. This +inestimable creature has already gone round the town on a singing, +dancing, and cash-collecting expedition; accompanied by the drum, +mouth-organ, and <em>Swivel</em>. We now find her enchanting the +flinty-hearted father, <em>Old Fellum</em>. Having been +instrumental, by means of her vocal abilities, in drawing from him +a declaration of amorous attachment and half-a-crown, she retires, +to bury herself in the arms of her husband, and to eradicate the +score, recorded in chalk, at <em>Mrs. Rummer’s</em> +hotel.</p> +<p>In the meantime <em>Snozzle</em>, having sold a plot, proceeds +to fulfil the bargain by executing it. He enters with PUNCH’S +theatre, to treat <em>Old Fellum</em> with a second exhibition, and +his daughter with an elopement; for in the midst of the performance +the young lady detects the big drum in the act of “winking at +her;” and she soon discovers that PUNCH’S orchestra is +no other than her own lover. <em>Fellum</em> is delighted with the +show, to which he is attentive enough to allow of the lovers’ +escaping. He pursues them when it is too late, and having been so +precipitate in his exit as to remember to forget to pay for his +amusement, <em>Swivel</em> steals a handsome cage, parrot +included.</p> +<p>Good gracious! what a scene of confusion and confabulation next +takes place! <em>Fellum’s</em> first stage in pursuit is the +public-house; there he unwittingly persuades <em>Mrs. Snozzle</em> +that her spouse is unfaithful—that <em>he</em> it was who +“stole away the old man’s daughter.” <em>Mrs. +Snozzle</em> raves, and threatens a divorce; <em>Snozzle</em> +himself trembles—he suspects the police are after him for +being the receiver of stolen goods, instead of the deceiver of +unsuspecting virtue. <em>Swivel</em> dreads being taken up for +prigging the parrot; and a frightful catastrophe is only averted by +the entrance of the truant lovers, who have performed the comedy of +“Matrimony” in a much shorter time than is allowed by +the act of Parliament.</p> +<p>Mrs. Keeley played the tamburine, and the part of <em>Snozzle +femme</em>. This was more than acting; it was nature enriched with +humour—character broadly painted without a tinge of +caricature. The solemnity of her countenance, while performing with +her feet, was a correct copy from the expression of +self-approbation—of the +wonder-how-I-do-it-so-well—always observable during the +dances of the <em>fair</em> sex; her tones when singing were +unerringly brought from the street; her spangled dress was +assuredly borrowed from Scowton’s caravan. As a work of +dramatic art, this performance is, of its kind, most complete. +Keeley’s <em>Snozzle</em> was quiet, rich, and philosophical; +and Saunders made a Judy of himself with unparalleled success. +<em>Frank Finch</em> got his deserts in the hands of a Mr. Everett; +for being a lover, no matter how awkward and ungainly an actor is +made to represent him.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>“OH! DAY AND NIGHT, BUT THIS IS WONDROUS +STRANGE!”</h3> +<p class="note">“We believe, from the first, <em>Day</em> was +intended to mount, and wherefore it was made a mystery we know +not.—DOINGS AT DONCASTER.”—[Sunday Times.]</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Poor Coronation well may say,</p> +<p class="i2">“A mystery I mark;</p> +<p>Though jockey’d by the <em>lightest Day</em></p> +<p class="i2">They tried to keep me dark.”</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +1, September 25, 1841, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14929-h.htm or 14929-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/9/2/14929/ + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +https://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +https://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at https://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit https://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including including checks, online payments and credit card +donations. To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + + +</pre> + +</body> +</html> diff --git a/14929-h/images/011-01.png b/14929-h/images/011-01.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..851fa9d --- /dev/null +++ b/14929-h/images/011-01.png diff --git a/14929-h/images/011-02.png b/14929-h/images/011-02.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..dae11f7 --- /dev/null +++ b/14929-h/images/011-02.png diff --git a/14929-h/images/011-03.png b/14929-h/images/011-03.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c1df755 --- /dev/null +++ b/14929-h/images/011-03.png diff --git a/14929-h/images/011-04.png b/14929-h/images/011-04.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7f54bac --- /dev/null +++ b/14929-h/images/011-04.png diff --git a/14929-h/images/011-05.png b/14929-h/images/011-05.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..966f186 --- /dev/null +++ b/14929-h/images/011-05.png diff --git a/14929-h/images/011-06.png b/14929-h/images/011-06.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4d665ff --- /dev/null +++ b/14929-h/images/011-06.png diff --git a/14929-h/images/011-07.png b/14929-h/images/011-07.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..781455f --- /dev/null +++ b/14929-h/images/011-07.png diff --git a/14929-h/images/011-08.png b/14929-h/images/011-08.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..55c1685 --- /dev/null +++ b/14929-h/images/011-08.png diff --git a/14929-h/images/011-09.png b/14929-h/images/011-09.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..51e52f9 --- /dev/null +++ b/14929-h/images/011-09.png diff --git a/14929-h/images/011-10.png b/14929-h/images/011-10.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..12fa637 --- /dev/null +++ b/14929-h/images/011-10.png diff --git a/14929-h/images/011-11.png b/14929-h/images/011-11.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d7ca858 --- /dev/null +++ b/14929-h/images/011-11.png diff --git a/14929-h/images/011-12.png b/14929-h/images/011-12.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e23da78 --- /dev/null +++ b/14929-h/images/011-12.png |
