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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1,
+September 25, 1841, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, September 25, 1841
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14929]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 1.
+
+
+
+FOR THE WEEK ENDING SEPTEMBER 25, 1841.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE HEIR OF APPLEBITE.
+
+CHAPTER V.
+
+SHOWS THAT "THERE'S MANY A SLIP" BETWEEN OTHER THINGS BESIDE "THE CUP AND
+THE LIP."
+
+[Illustration: T]The heir of Applebite continued to squall and thrive, to
+the infinite delight of his youthful mamma, who was determined that the
+joyful occasion of his cutting his first tooth should be duly celebrated
+by an evening party of great splendour; and accordingly cards were issued
+to the following effect:--
+
+          MR. AND MRS. APPLEBITE
+          REQUEST THE HONOUR OF
+              ----  ----'s
+        COMPANY TO AN EVENING PARTY,
+        On Thursday, the 12th inst.
+    _Quadrilles_.     _An Answer will oblige_.
+
+It was the first home-made party that Collumpsion had ever given; for
+though during his bachelorhood he had been no niggard of his hospitality,
+yet the confectioner had supplied the edibles, and the upholsterer
+arranged the decorations; but now Mrs. Applebite, with a laudable spirit
+of economy, converted No. 24, Pleasant-terrace, into a perfect _cuisine_
+for a week preceding the eventful evening; and old John was kept in a
+constant state of excitement by Mrs. Waddledot, who superintended the
+ornamental department of these elaborate preparations.
+
+Agamemnon felt that he was a cipher in the house, for no one condescended
+to notice him for three whole days, and it was with extreme difficulty
+that he could procure the means of "recruiting exhausted nature" at those
+particular hours which had hitherto been devoted to the necessary
+operation.
+
+On the morning of the 12th, Agamemnon was anxiously engaged in
+endeavouring to acquire a knowledge of the last alterations in the figure
+of _La Pastorale_, when he fancied he heard an unusual commotion in the
+lower apartments of his establishment. In a few moments his name was
+vociferously pronounced by Mrs. Applebite, and the affrighted Collumpsion
+rushed down stairs, expecting to find himself another Thyestes, whose
+children, it is recorded, were made into a pie for his own consumption.
+
+On entering the kitchen he perceived the cause of the uproar, although he
+could see nothing else, for the dense suffocating vapour with which the
+room was filled.
+
+"Oh dear!" said Mrs. Applebite, "the chimney's on fire; one pound of fresh
+butter--"
+
+"And two pound o'lard's done it!" exclaimed Susan.
+
+"What's to be done?" inquired Collumpsion.
+
+"Send for my brother, sir," said Betty.
+
+"Where does he live?" cried old John.
+
+"On No. 746," replied Betty.
+
+"Where's that?" cried the whole assembled party.
+
+"I don't know, but it's a hackney-coach as he drives," said Betty.
+
+A general chorus of "Pshaw!" greeted this very unsatisfactory rejoinder.
+Another rush of smoke into the kitchen rendered some more active measures
+necessary, and, after a short discussion, it was decided that John and
+Betty should proceed to the roof of the house with two pailsful of water,
+whilst Agamemnon remained below to watch the effects of the measure. When
+John and Betty arrived at the chimney-pots, the pother was so confusing,
+that they were undecided which was the rebellious flue! but, in order to
+render assurance doubly sure, they each selected the one they conceived to
+be the delinquent, and discharged the contents of their buckets
+accordingly, without any apparent diminution of the intestine war which
+was raging in the chimney. A fresh supply from a cistern on the roof,
+similarly applied, produced no better effects, and Agamemnon, in an agony
+of doubt, rushed up-stairs to ascertain the cause of non-abatement.
+Accidentally popping his head into the drawing-room, what was his horror
+at beholding the beautiful Brussels carpet, so lately "redolent of
+brilliant hues," one sheet of inky liquid, into which Mrs. Waddledot (who
+had followed him) instantly swooned. Agamemnon, in his alarm, never
+thought of his wife's mother, but had rushed half-way up the next flight
+of stairs, when a violent knocking arrested his ascent, and, with the fear
+of the whole fire-brigade before his eyes, he re-rushed to open the door,
+the knocker of which kept up an incessant clamour both in and out of the
+house. The first person that met his view was a footman, 25, dyed with the
+same sooty evidence of John and Betty's exertions, as he had encountered
+on entering his own drawing-room. The dreadful fact flashed upon
+Collumpsion's mind, and long before the winded and saturated servant could
+detail the horrors he had witnessed in "his missuses best bed-room, in No.
+25," the bewildered proprietor of No. 24 was franticly shaking his
+innocently offending menials on the leads of his own establishment. Then
+came a confused noise of little voices in the street, shouting and
+hurraing in the fulness of that delight which we regret to say is too
+frequently felt by the world at large at the misfortunes of one in
+particular. Then came the sullen rumble of the parish engine, followed by
+violent assaults on the bell and knocker, then another huzza! welcoming
+the extraction of the fire-plug, and the sparkling fountain of "New
+River," which followed as a providential consequence. Collumpsion again
+descended, as John had at last discovered the right chimney, and having
+inundated the stewpans and the kitchen, had succeeded in extinguishing the
+sooty cause of all these disasters. The mob had, by this time, increased
+to an alarming extent. Policemen were busily employed in making a ring for
+the exhibition of the water-works--little boys were pushing each other
+into the flowing gutters--small girls, with astonished infants in their
+arms, were struggling for front places against the opposite railings; and
+every window, from the drawing-rooms to the attics, in Pleasant-terrace
+were studded with heads, in someway resembling the doll heads in a
+gingerbread lottery, with which a man on a wooden leg was tempting the
+monied portion of the juvenile alarmists. Agamemnon opened the door, and
+being flanked by the whole of his household, proceeded to address the
+populace on the present satisfactory state of his kitchen chimney. The
+announcement was received by expressions of extreme disgust, as though
+every auditor considered that a fire ought to have taken place, and that
+they had been defrauded of their time and excitement, and that the
+extinguishing of the same by any other means than by legitimate engines
+was a gross imposition. He was about remonstrating with them on the
+extreme inconvenience which would have attended a compliance with their
+reasonable and humane objections, when his eloquence was suddenly cut
+short by a _jet d'eau_ which a ragged urchin directed over him, by
+scientifically placing his foot over the spouting plug-hole. This clever
+manoeuvre in some way pacified the crowd, and after awaiting the
+re-appearance of the parish engineer, who had insisted on a personal
+inspection of the premises, they gave another shout of derision and
+departed.
+
+Thus commenced the festivities to celebrate the advent of the first tooth
+of the Heir of Applebite.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+GRAVESEND.
+
+(_From our own Correspondent_.)
+
+This delightful watering-place is filled with beauty and fashion, there
+being lots of large curls and small bonnets in every portion of the town
+and neighbourhood.
+
+We understand it is in contemplation to convert the mud on the banks of
+the river into sand, in order that the idea of the sea-side may be
+realised as far as possible. Two donkey cart-loads have already been laid
+down by way of experiment, and the spot on which they were thrown was
+literally thronged with pedestrians. The only difficulty likely to arise
+is, that the tide washes the sand away, and leaves the mud just as usual.
+
+The return of the imports and exports shows an immense increase in the
+prosperity of this, if not salubrious sea-port, at least healthy
+watercourse. It seems that the importation of Margate slippers this year,
+as compared with that of the last, has been as two-and-three-quarters to
+one-and-a-half, or rather more than double, while the consumption of
+donkeys has been most gratifying, and proves beyond doubt that the
+pedestrians and equestrians are not so numerous by any means as the
+asinestrians. The first round of a new ladder for ascending the balconies
+of the bathing-rooms was laid on Wednesday, amidst an inconvenient
+concourse of visitors. With the exception of a rap on the toes received by
+those who pressed so much on the carpenter employed as to retard the
+progress of his work, all passed off quietly. After the ceremony, the man
+was regaled by the proprietor of the rooms with some beer, at the tap of
+the neighbouring hotel for families and gentlemen.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF GUFFAW.
+
+SCRUPULOUSLY PREPARED FROM THE RECIPE OF THE LATE
+
+MR. JOSEPH MILLER,
+
+AND PATRONISED BY
+
+THE ROYAL FAMILY,
+
+THE TWELVE JUDGES, THE LORD CHANCELLOR, THE SWELL MOB, MR. HOBLER, AND THE
+COURT OF ALDERMEN;
+
+ALSO BY THE
+
+COMMISSIONERS OF POLICE, THE SEXTON OF ST. MARYLEBONE, THE PHOENIX LIFE
+ASSURANCE COMPANY, THE KING OF THE SANDWICH ISLANDS,
+
+AND THE
+
+LONDON MISSIONARY SOCIETY.
+
+This inestimable composition, which cures all disorders, and keeps in all
+climates, may be had of every respectable bookseller on the face of the
+globe. Price 3d.
+
+
+TESTIMONIALS.
+
+TO MR. PUNCH.
+
+SIR,--Having incautiously witnessed two consecutive performances of Mr.
+Macready in the "Lady of Lyons," the comic portions of them threw me into
+a state of deep and chronic melancholy, which the various physicians
+employed were unable to cure. Hearing, however, of your excellent
+medicine, I took it regularly every Saturday for five weeks, and am now
+able to go about my daily employment, which being that of a low comedian,
+was materially interfered with by my late complaint.
+
+I remain, with gratitude, yours truly,
+
+JOHN SAUNDERS.
+
+_New Strand Theatre_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SIR,--I was, till lately, private secretary to Lord John Russell. I had to
+copy his somniferous dispatches, to endure a rehearsal of his prosy
+speeches, to get up, at an immense labour to myself, incessant laughs at
+his jokes. At length, by the enormous exertions the last duty imposed upon
+me, I sunk into a hopeless state of cachinnatory impotence: my risible
+muscles refused to perform their office, and I lost mine. I was
+discharged. Fortunately, however, for me, I happened to meet with your
+infallible "Pills to Purge Melancholy," and tried Nos. 1 to 10 inclusive
+of them.
+
+With feelings overflowing with gratitude, I now inform you, that I have
+procured another situation with Sir James Graham; and to show you how
+completely my roaring powers have returned, I have only to state, that it
+was I who got up the screeching applause with which Sir James's recent
+jokes about the Wilde and Tame serjeants were greeted.
+
+I am, Sir, yours,
+
+GEORGE STEPHEN,
+
+Late "over"-Secretary, and Author of the "Canadian Rebellion."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SIR,--Being the proprietor of several weekly newspapers, which I have
+conducted for many years, my jocular powers gradually declined, from hard
+usage and incessant labour, till I was reduced to a state of despair; for
+my papers ceasing to sell, I experienced a complete stoppage of
+circulation.
+
+In this terrible state I had the happiness to meet with your "Essence of
+Guffaw," and tried its effect upon my readers, by inserting several doses
+of your Attic salt in my "New Weekly Messenger," "Planet," &c. &c. The
+effects were wonderful. Their amount of sale increased at every joke, and
+has now completely recovered.
+
+I am, Sir,
+
+JOHN BELL.
+
+_Craven-street, Strand_.
+
+_Note._--This testimonial is gratifying, as the gentleman has hitherto
+failed to acknowledge the source of the wonderful cure we have effected in
+his property.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SIR,--As the author of the facetious political essays in the "Morning
+Herald," it is but due to you that I should candidly state the reason why
+my articles have, of late, so visibly improved.
+
+In truth, sir, I am wholly indebted to you. Feeling a gradual debility
+come over my faceti�, I tried several potions of the "New Monthly" and
+"Bentley's Miscellany," without experiencing the smallest relief. "PUNCH"
+and his "Essence of Guffaw" were, however, most strongly recommended to me
+by my friend the editor of "Cruikshank's Omnibus," who had wonderfully
+revived after taking repeated doses. I followed his example, and am now
+completely re-established in fine, jocular health.
+
+I am, Sir,
+
+THE "_OWN_ CORRESPONDENT."
+
+_Shoe-lane_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Inestimable SIR,--A thousand blessings light upon your head! You have
+snatched a too fond heart from a too early grave. My life-preserver, my
+PUNCH! receive the grateful benedictions of a resuscitated soul, of a
+saved Seraphina Simpkins!
+
+Samuel, dearest PUNCH, was false! He took Jemima to the Pavilion; I
+detected his perfidy, and determined to end my sorrows under the fourth
+arch of Waterloo-bridge.
+
+In my way to the fatal spot I passed--no, I could _not_ pass--your office.
+By chance directed, or by fate constrained, I stopped to read a placard of
+your infallible specific. I bought one dose--it was enough. I have now
+forgotten Samuel, and am happy in the affection of another.
+
+Publish this, if you please; it may be of service to young persons who are
+crossed in love, and in want of straw-bonnets at 3s. 6d. each, best
+Dunstable.
+
+I am, yours,
+
+SERAPHINA SIMPKINS,
+
+Architect of Tuscan, straw, and other bonnets, Lant-street, Borough.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CAUTION.--None are genuine unless duly stamped--with good humour, good
+taste, and good jokes. Observe: "PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, price
+Threepence," is on the cover. Several spurious imitations are abroad, at a
+reduced price, the effects of which are dreadful upon the system.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+W(H)AT TYLER.
+
+The following pictorial joke has been sent to us by Count D'Orsay, which
+he denominates
+
+[Illustration: TILING A FLAT.]
+
+All our attempts to discover the wit of this _tableau d'esprit_ have been
+quite fu-_tile_. Perhaps our readers will be more successful.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A MESMERIC ADVERTISEMENT.
+
+Wanted, by Mons. Lafontaine, a few fine able-bodied young men, who can
+suffer the running of pins into their legs without flinching, and who can
+stare out an ignited lucifer without winking. A few respectable-looking
+men, to get up in the room and make speeches on the subject of the
+mesmeric science, will also be treated with. Quakers' hats and coats are
+kept on the premises. Any little boy who has been accustomed at school to
+bear the cane without wincing will be liberally treated with.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+AN ALARMING STRIKE.
+
+HORACE TWISS, on being told that the workmen employed at the New Houses of
+Parliament struck last week, to the number of 468, declared that he would
+follow their example unless Bob raised his wages.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SIR RHUBARB PILL, M.P. & M.D.
+
+    "Now the Poor Law is the only remedy for all the distresses
+    referred to contained in the whole of the Baronet's
+    speech."--_Morning Chronicle_, Sept. 21.
+
+    Oh! dear Doctor,
+      Great bill
+      And pill
+    Concoctor,
+  Most worthy follower in the steps
+    Of Dr. Epps,
+  And eke that cannie man
+    Old Dr. Hanneman--
+  Two individuals of consummate gumption,
+    Who declare,
+    That whensoe'er
+  The patient's labouring under a consumption,
+  To save him from a trip across the Styx,
+    To ancient Nick's
+    In Charon's shallop,
+  If the consumption be upon the canter,
+  It should be put upon the gallop
+    Instanter;
+  For, "_similia similibus curantur_,"
+    Great medicinal cod
+    (Beating the mode
+  Of old Hippocrates, whom M.D.'s mostly follow,
+    Quite hollow);
+  Which would make
+    A patient take
+  No end of verjuice for the belly-ache;
+  And find, beyond a question,
+    A power of good in
+    A lump of cold plum-pudding
+  For a case of indigestion.
+    And just as sage,
+    In this wise age,
+  'Faith, Dr. Peel, is _your_ law;
+    Which, as a remedy
+    For poverty,
+  Would recommend the Poor Law.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+MATINEE MESMERIQUE
+
+_Or, Proc�d� Humbugaresque._
+
+There is at present in London a gentleman with an enormous beard, who
+professes the science of animal magnetism, and undertakes to deprive of
+sense those who come under his hand; but as those who flock to his
+exhibition have generally left all the sense they possess at home, he
+finds it difficult to accomplish his purposes. If it is animal magnetism
+to send another to sleep, what a series of _Soir�es Mesm�riques_ must take
+place in the House of Commons during the sitting of Parliament! There is
+no doubt that Sir Robert Peel is the Lafontaine of political
+mesmerism--_the fountain_ of quackery--and every pass he makes with his
+hand over poor John Bull serves to bring him into that state of
+stupefaction in which he may be most easily victimised. While Lafontaine
+thrusts pins into his patient, the Premier sends poor John into a swoon,
+for the purpose of, as it is vulgarly termed, _sticking it into him_; and
+as the French quack holds lucifers to the nostril, Peel plays the devil
+under the very nose of the paralysed sufferer. One resorts to _electrics_,
+the other to _election tricks_, but each has the same object in view--to
+bring the subject of the operation into a state of unconsciousness. If the
+Premier would give a _Matin�e Politique_, it would prove a formidable
+rival to the _Soir�e Mesm�rique_ of the gentleman in the beard, who seems
+impressed with the now popular idea, that genius and a clean chin are
+wholly incompatible.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+(H)ALL IS LOST NOW!
+
+'Sir B. HALL is still Sir B. Hall. Where is the peerage--the "B-all and
+end-all" of his patriotism? Really the Whigs ought to have given the poor
+dog a bone, considering with what perseverance he has always been
+
+[Illustration: STANDING FOR MARROWBONE (MARYLEBONE).]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+When a person holds an argument with his neighbour on the opposite aide of
+the street, why is there no chance of their agreeing?--Because they argue
+from different _premises_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+NOVEL SUBSCRIPTIONS.
+
+Looking into an Australian paper the other day, we cast our eye over a
+list of subscriptions for the "St. Patrick's Orphan School, Windsor;"
+which, after enumerating several sums, varying from 10l. to _five_
+shillings, ended with the following singular contributions:--
+
+    MR. BURKE--A supply of potatoes.
+    A FRIEND--Five pounds of beef, and a coat.
+    A FRIEND IN NEED--A shoulder of mutton.
+    A POOR WOMAN--A large damper.
+    AN EMIGRANT--Ten quarts of milk.
+    AN EMIGRANT--A frying-pan.
+
+At first we were disposed to be amused with the heterogeneous nature of
+the contributions, but, on reflection, we felt disposed to applaud a plan
+which enabled every one to bestow a portion of any article of which he
+possesses a superabundance. If, for instance, a similar subscription were
+began here, we might expect to find the following contributions:--
+
+    SIR ROBERT PEEL--A large stock of political consistency.
+    LORD LONDONDERRY--An ounce of wit.
+    LORD NORMANBY--A complete copy of "Yes and No."
+    COLONEL SIBTHORP--A calf's-head, garnished.
+    THE BISHOP OF EXETER--His pastoral blessing.
+    LORD MELBOURNE AND LORD JOHN RUSSELL--A pair of cast-off slippers.
+    MR. WAKELY--A dish of Tory flummery.
+    DAN O'CONNELL--A prime lot of
+
+[Illustration: REAL IRISH BUTTER.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SONGS FOR THE SENTIMENTAL.--NO. 7.
+
+  Fair Daphne has tresses as bright as the hue
+    That illumines the west when a summer-day closes;
+  Her eyes seem like violets laden with dew,
+    Her lips will compare with the sweetest of roses.
+  By Daphne's decree I am doom'd to despair,
+    Though ofttimes I've pray'd the fair maid to revoke it.
+  "No--Colin I love"--(thus will Daphne declare)
+    "Put that in your pipe, if you will, sir, and smoke it."
+
+  Once I thought that she loved me (O! fatal deceit),
+    For she wore at the dance the gay wreath I had twined her;
+  She smiled when I swore that I envied each sweet,
+    And vow'd that in love's rosy chains I would bind her.
+  I press'd her soft hand, and a blush dyed her cheek;
+    "Oh! there's love," I exclaim'd, "in that eye's liquid glancing."
+  She spoke, and I think I can _still_ hear her speak--
+    "You know about love what a pig knows of dancing!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+JOE HUM(E)ANITY.
+
+The "late of" Middlesex, during his visit to Switzerland, happened to be
+charged, at a cottage half-way up the Jura, three farthings for seven
+eggs. Astonished and disgusted at the demand, he vehemently declared that
+things were come to a pretty
+
+[Illustration: PASS IN THE MOUNTAINS]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE MINISTERIAL TOP.
+
+We understand Sir James Graham has lately been labouring under severe and
+continued fits of vertigo, produced, as his medical attendants state, by
+his extraordinary propensity for _turning round_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+BERNARD CAVANAGH
+
+AND THE POOR LAW COMMISSIONERS.
+
+It is not generally known that the above gentleman has been officially
+engaged by the eminent and philanthropic pauper-patrons, to put his
+principles into practice throughout the whole of the Unions in the United
+Kingdom.
+
+Knowing the extraordinary appetite of the vulgar for anything approaching
+the unintelligible and marvellous, we feel sorry to be obliged, by a brief
+detail of this gentleman's early life and habits, to divest the present
+phenomenon of much of its apparent wonder and romance.
+
+Mr. Cavanagh was in infancy rather remarkable for the many sleepless
+nights he occasioned his worthy parents by his juvenile intimations that
+fasting at that time was no part of his system. He progressed rapidly in
+his powers of consumption, and was indeed a child of
+
+[Illustration: A FULL HABIT;]
+
+or, as his nurse expressed it, he was _alwaist_ good for three rounds at
+breakfast, not at all to be sneezed at luncheon, anything but bad at
+dinner, hearty at tea (another three-rounder), and very consistent at
+supper.
+
+"Reverse of fortune changes friends"--reverse of circumstances, alas! too
+often changes feeds!--pecuniary disappointments brought on a reduction of
+circumstances--reduction of circumstances occasioned a reduction of meals,
+and the necessity for such reduction being very apparent to a philosophic
+mind, engendered a reduction of craving for the same. Perhaps nothing
+could have proved more generally beneficial than the individual
+misfortunes of Mr. Bernard Cavanagh, which transferred him to one of those
+Elysiums of brick and mortar, the "Poor Law Union." Here, as he himself
+expresses it, the fearful fallacies of his past system were made
+beautifully apparent; he felt as if existence could be maintained by the
+infinitesimal process, so benevolently advocated and regularly prepared,
+that one step more was all that was necessary to arrive at dietary
+perfectibility. That step he took, it being simply, instead of next to
+nothing, to live on nothing at all; and now, such was his opinion of the
+condiments supplied, he declares it to be by far the pleasantest of the
+two.
+
+It has been reported that Mr. Bernard Cavanagh's powers of abstinence have
+their latent origin in enthusiasm. This he confesses to be the case, his
+great admiration for fasting having arisen from the circumstance of his
+frequently seeing the process of manufacturing the pauper gruel, which
+sight filled him with most intense yearnings to hit upon some plan by
+which, as far as he was concerned, he might for ever avoid any
+participation in its consumption.
+
+That immense cigar, the mild Cavanagh! favours us with the following
+practical account of his system; by which he intends, through the means of
+enthusiasm, to render breakfasts a superfluity--luncheons,
+inutilities--dinners, dreadful extravagancies--teas, iniquitous
+wastes--and suppers, supper-erogatories.
+
+Mr. B.C. proposes the instant dismissal, without wages or warning, of all
+the cooks, and substitution of the like number of Ciceros; thereby
+affording a more ample mental diet, as the followers will be served out
+with orations instead of rations. For the proper excitement of the
+necessary enthusiasm, he submits the following Mental Bill of Fare:--
+
+    FOR STRONG STOMACHS AND WEAK INTELLECTS:--
+
+    Feargus O'Connor, as per Crown and Anchor.
+    Mr. Vincent.
+    Mr. Roebuck, with ancestral sauce--very fine, if not pitched too
+        strong.
+    N.B.--In case of surfeit from the above, the editor of the
+        _Times_ may be resorted to as an antidote.
+    Daniel O'Connell--whose successful practice of the exciting and
+        fasting, or rather, starving system, among the rent
+        contributors in Ireland, not only proves the truth of the
+        theory, but enables B.C. to recommend him as the safest dish in
+        the _carte_.
+
+    FOR WEAK STOMACHS AND VERY SMALL IMAGINATIONS:--
+
+    D'Israeli (Ben)--breakfast off the "Wondrous Tale of Alroy."
+    Bulwer--lunch on "Siamese Twins."
+    Stephens--dine off "The Hungarian Daughter."
+    Heraud--tea off "The Deluge,"--sup off the whole Minerva Library.
+    N.B.--None of the above, will bear the slightest dilution.
+
+    FOR DELICATE DIGESTIONS, AND LIMITED UNDERSTANDINGS, PERUSALS OF
+
+    "World of Fashion."
+    Lord John Russell's "Don Carlos."
+    Montgomery's "Satan" (very good as a devil).
+    "Journal of Civilization."
+    Any of F. Chorley's writings, Robins' advertisements, or poetry
+        relating to Warren's Jet Blacking.
+
+    FOR MENTAL BOLTERS
+
+    Ainsworth's "Jack Sheppard."
+    Harmer's "Weekly Dispatch."
+    "Newgate Calendar."
+    "Terrific Register," "Frankenstein," &c. &c. &c.
+
+The above forms a brief abstract of Mr. B.C.'s plan, furnished and
+approved by the Poor Law Commissioners. We are credibly informed that the
+same enlightened gentleman is at present making arrangements with Sir
+Robert Peel for the total repeal of the use of bread by all operatives,
+and thereby tranquillising the present state of excitement upon the
+corn-law question; proving bread, once erroneously considered the staff of
+life, to be nothing more than a mere ornamental opera cane.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SYNCRETIC LITERATURE.
+
+_Concluding remarks on an Epic Poem of Giles Scroggins and Molly Brown._
+
+The circumstance which rendered Giles Scroggins peculiarly ineligible as a
+bridegroom eminently qualified him as a tenant for one of those
+receptacles in which defunct mortals progress to "that bourne from whence
+no traveller returns." Fancy the bereaved Molly, or, as she is in grief,
+and grief is tragical, Mary Brown, denuded of her scarf and black gloves,
+turning faintly from the untouched cake and tasteless wine, and retiring
+to the virtuous couch, whereon, with aching heart, the poet asserts she,
+the said
+
+  "Poor Molly, laid her down to weep;"
+
+and then contemplate her the victim of somnolent consequences, when--
+
+  "She cried herself quite fast asleep,"
+
+Here an ordinary mind might have left the maiden and reverted "to her
+streaming eyes," inflamed lids, dishevelled locks, and bursting sigh, as
+satisfactory evidences of the truth of her broken-heartedness, but the
+"great anonymous" of whom we treat, scorns the application of such
+external circumstances as agents whereby to depict the intenseness of the
+passion of the ten thousand condensed turtle-doves glowing in the bosom of
+_his_ heroine. Sleep falls upon her eyes; but the "life of death," the
+subtle essence of the shrouded soul, the watchful sentinel and viewless
+evidence of immortality, the wild and flitting air-wrought impalpabilities
+of her fitful dreams, still haunt her in her seeming hours of rest. Fancy
+her feelings--
+
+  "When, standing fast by her bed-post,
+  A figure tall her sight engross'd,"
+
+and it cried--
+
+  "'I be's Giles Scroggins' ghost.'"
+
+Such is the frightful announcement commemorative of this visitation from
+the wandering spirit of the erratic Giles. Death has indeed parted them.
+Giles is cold, but still his love is warm! He loved and won her in
+life--he hints at a right of possession in death; and this very
+forgetfulness of what he _was_, and what he _is_, is the best essence of
+the overwhelming intensity of his passion. He continues (with a beautiful
+reliance on the faith and _living_ constancy of Molly, in reciprocation,
+though dead, of his deathless attachment) to offer her a share, not of his
+bed and board, but of his shell and shroud. There is somewhat of the
+imperative in the invitation, which runs thus:--
+
+  "The ghost it said so solemnly,
+  'Oh, Molly, you _must_ go with me,
+  All to the grave, your love to cool.'"
+
+We have no doubt this assumption of command on the part of the ghost--an
+assumption, be it remembered, never ventured upon by the living
+Giles--gave rise to some unpleasant reflections in the mind of the
+slumbering Molly. _Must_ is certainly an awkward word. Tell any lady that
+she _must_ do this, or _must_ do that, and, however much her wishes may
+have previously prompted the proceeding, we feel perfectly satisfied, that
+on the very shortest notice she will find an absolute and undeniable
+reason why such a proceeding is diametrically opposed to the line of
+conduct she _will_, and therefore ought to, adopt.
+
+With an intuitive knowledge of human nature, the great poet purposely uses
+the above objectionable word. How could he do otherwise, or how more
+effectually, and less offensively, extricate Molly Brown from the
+unpleasant tenantry of the proposed under-ground floor? Command invariably
+begets opposition, opposition as certainly leads to argument. So proves
+our heroine, who, with a beautiful evasiveness, delivers the following
+expostulation:--
+
+  "Says she, 'I am not dead, you fool!'"
+
+One would think _that_ was a pretty decent clincher, by way of a reason
+for declining the proposed trip to Giles Scroggins' little property at his
+own peculiar "Gravesend;" but as contradiction begets controversy, and the
+enlightened poet is fully aware of the effect of that cause, the undaunted
+sprite of the interred Giles instantly opposes this, to him, flimsy
+excuse, and upon the peculiar veracity of a wandering ghost, triumphantly
+exclaims, in the poet's words--words that, lest any mistake should arise
+as to the speaker by the peculiar construction of the sentence, are
+rendered _doubly_ individual, for--
+
+  "_Says_ the _ghost_, says _he_, vy that's no rule!"
+
+There's a staggerer! being alive no rule for _not_ being buried! how _is_
+Molly Brown to get out of that high-pressure cleft-stick? how! that's the
+question! Why not in a state of somnolency, not during the "death of each
+day's life; no, it is clear, to escape such a consummation she must be
+wide awake." The poet sees this, and with the energy of a master-mind, he
+brings the invisible chimera of her entranced imagination into effective
+operation. Argument with a man who denies first premises, and we submit
+the assertion that vitality is no exception to the treatment of the dead,
+amounts to that. We say, argument with such a man is worse than nothing;
+it would be fallacious as the Eolian experiment of whistling the most
+inspiriting jigs to an inanimate, and consequently unmusical, milestone,
+opposing a transatlantic thunder-storm with "a more paper than powder"
+"penny cracker," or setting an owl to outstare the meridian sun.
+
+The poet knew and felt this, and therefore he ends the delusion and
+controversy by an overt act:--
+
+  "The ghost then seized her all so grim,
+  All for to go along with him;
+  'Come, come,' said he, 'e'er morning beam.'"
+
+To which she replies with the following determined announcement:--
+
+  "'I von't!' said she, and scream'd a scream,
+  Then she voke, and found she'd dream'd a dream!"
+
+These are the last words we have left to descant upon: they are such as
+should be the last; and, like _Joseph Surface_, "moral to the end." The
+glowing passions the fervent hopes, the anticipated future, of the loving
+pair, all, all are frustrated! The great lesson of life imbues the
+elaborate production; the thinking reader, led by its sublimity to a train
+of deep reflection, sees at once the uncertainty of earthly projects, and
+sighing owns the wholesome, though still painful truth, that the brightest
+sun is ever the first cause of the darkest shadow; and from childhood
+upwards, the blissful visions of our gayest fancy--forced by the cry of
+stern reality--call back the mental wanderer from imaginary bliss, to be
+again the worldly drudge; and, thus awakened to his real state, confess,
+like our sad heroine, Molly Brown, he too, has _dreamt a dream_.
+
+FUSBOS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+FATHER O'FLYNN AND HIS CONGREGATION.
+
+
+Father Francis O'Flynn, or, as he was generally called by his
+parishioners, "Father Frank," was the choicest specimen you could desire
+of a jolly, quiet-going, ease-loving, Irish country priest of the old
+school.  His parish lay near a small town in the eastern part of the
+county Cork, and for forty-five years he lived amongst his flock,
+performing all the duties of his office, and taking his dues (when he got
+them) with never-tiring good-humour. But age, that spares not priest nor
+layman, had stolen upon Father Frank, and he gradually relinquished to his
+younger curates the task of preaching, till at length his sermons dwindled
+down to two in the year--one at Christmas, and the other at Easter, at
+which times his clerical dues were about coming in. It was on one of these
+memorable occasions that I first chanced to hear Father Frank address his
+congregation.  I have him now before my mind's eye, as he then appeared; a
+stout, middle-sized man, with ample shoulders, enveloped in a coat of
+superfine black, and substantial legs encased in long straight boots,
+reaching to the knee. His forehead, and the upper part of his head, were
+bald; but the use of hair-powder gave a fine effect to his massive, but
+good-humoured features, that glowed with the rich tint of a hale old age.
+A bunch of large gold seals, depending from a massive jack-chain of the
+same metal, oscillated with becoming dignity from the lower verge of his
+waistcoat, over the goodly prominence of his "fair round belly."  Glancing
+his half-closed, but piercing eye around his auditory, as if calculating
+the contents of every pocket present, he commenced his address as
+follows:--"Well, my good people, I suppose ye know that to-morrow will be
+the _pattern_[1] of Saint Fineen, and no doubt ye'll all be for going to
+the blessed well to say your _padhereens_;[2] but I'll go bail there's few
+of you ever heard the rason why the water of that well won't raise a
+lather, or wash anything clean, though you were to put all the soap in
+Cork into it. Well, pay attintiou, and I'll tell you.--Mrs. Delany, can't
+you keep your child quiet while I'm spaking?--It happened a long while
+ago, that Saint Fineen, a holy and devout Christian, lived all alone,
+convaynient to the well; there he was to be found ever and always praying
+and reading his breviary upon a cowld stone that lay beside it. Onluckily
+enough, there lived also in the neighbourhood a _callieen dhas_[3] called
+Morieen, and this Morieen had a fashion of coming down to the well every
+morning, at sunrise, to wash her legs and feet; and, by all accounts, you
+couldn't meet a whiter or shapelier pair from this to Bantry. Saint
+Fineen, however, was so disthracted in his heavenly meditations, poor man!
+that he never once looked at them; but kept his eyes fast on his holy
+books, while Morieen was rubbing and lathering away, till the legs used to
+look like two beautiful pieces of alabasther in the clear water. Matters
+went on this way for some time, Morieen coming regular to the well, till
+one fine morning, as she stepped into the water, without minding what she
+was about, she struck her foot against a a stone and cut it.
+
+    [1] _Pattern_--a corruption of _Patron_--means, in Ireland, the
+        anniversary of the Saint to whom a holy well has been
+        consecrated, on which day the peasantry make pilgrimages to the
+        well.
+
+    [2] Beads
+
+    [3] Pretty girl
+
+"'Oh! Millia murdher! What'll I do?' cried the _callieen_, in the
+pitifulles voice you ever heard.
+
+"'What's the matter?' said Saint Fineen.
+
+"'I've cut my foot agin this misfortinat stone,' says she, making answer.
+
+"Then Saint Fineen lifted up his eyes from his blessed book, and he saw
+Morieen's legs and feet.
+
+"'Oh! Morieen!' says he, after looking awhile at them, 'what white legs
+you have got!'
+
+"'Have I?' says she, laughing, 'and how do _you_ know that?'
+
+"Immediately the Saint remimbered himself, and being full of remorse and
+conthrition for his fault, he laid his commands upon the well, that its
+water should never wash anything white again.--and, as I mentioned before,
+all the soap in Ireland wouldn't raise a lather on it since. Now that's
+the thrue histhory of St. Fineen's blessed well; and I hope and thrust it
+will be a saysonable and premonitory lesson to all the young men that
+hears me, not to fall into the vaynial sin of admiring the white legs of
+the girls."
+
+As soon as his reverence paused, a buzz of admiration ran through the
+chapel, accompanied by that peculiar rapid noise made by the lower class
+of an Irish Roman Catholic congregation, when their feelings of awe,
+astonishment, or piety, are excited by the preacher.[4]
+
+    [4] This sound, which is produced by a quick motion of the tongue
+        against the teeth and roof of the mouth, may be expressed thus;
+        "tth, tth, tth, tth, tth."
+
+Father Frank having taken breath, and wiped his forehead, resumed his
+address.
+
+"I'm going to change my subject now, and I expect attintion. Shawn Barry!
+Where's Shawn Barry?"
+
+"Here, your Rivirence," replies a voice from the depth of the crowd.
+
+"Come up here, Shawn, 'till I examine you about your Catechism and
+docthrines."
+
+A rough-headed fellow elbowed his way slowly through the congregation, and
+moulding his old hat into a thousand grotesque shapes, between his huge
+palms, presented himself before his pastor, with very much the air of a
+puzzled philosopher.
+
+"Well, Shawn, my boy, do you know what is the meaning of Faith?"
+
+"Parfictly, your Rivirence," replied the fellow, with a knowing grin.
+"Faith means when Paddy Hogan gives me credit for half-a-pint of the
+best."
+
+"Get out of my sight, you ondaycent vagabond; you're a disgrace to my
+flock. Here, you Tom M'Gawley, what's Charity?"
+
+"Bating a process-sarver, your Rivirence," replied Tom, promptly.
+
+"Oh! blessed saints! how I'm persecuted with ye, root and branch. Jim
+Houlaghan, I'm looking at you, there, behind Peggy Callanane's cloak; come
+up here, you hanging _bone slieveen_[5] and tell me what is the Last Day?"
+
+    [5] A sly rogue.
+
+"I didn't come to that yet, sir," replied Jim, scratching his head.
+
+"I wouldn't fear you, you bosthoon. Well, listen, and I'll tell you. It's
+the day when you'll all have to settle your accounts, and I'm thinking
+there'll be a heavy score against some of you, if you don't mind what I'm
+saying to you. When that day comes, I'll walk up to Heaven and rap at the
+hall door. Then St. Pether, who will be takin' a nap after dinner in his
+arm-chair, inside, and not liking ta be disturbed, will call out mighty
+surly, 'Who's there?'"
+
+"'It's I, my Lord,' I'll make answer.
+
+"Av course, he'll know my voice, and, jumping up like a cricket, he'll
+open the door as wide as the hinges will let it, and say quite politely--
+
+"'I'm proud to see you here, Father Frank. Walk in, if you plase.'
+
+"Upon that I'll scrape my feet, and walk in, and then St. Pether will say
+agin--
+
+"'Well, Father Frank, what have you got to say for yourself? Did you look
+well afther your flock; and mind to have them all christened, and married,
+and buried, according to the rites of our holy church?'
+
+"Now, good people, I've been forty-five years amongst you, and didn't I
+christen every mother's soul of you?"
+
+_Congregation._--You did,--you did,--your Rivirence.
+
+_Father Frank._--Well, and didn't I bury the most of you, too?
+
+_Congregation._--You did, your Rivirence.
+
+_Father Frank._--And didn't I do my best to get dacent matches for all
+your little girls? I And didn't I get good wives for all the well-behaved
+boys in my parish?--Why don't you spake up, Mick Donovan?
+
+_Mick._--You did, your Rivirence.
+
+_Father Frank._--Well, that's settled:--but then St. Pether will
+say--"Father Frank," says he, "you're a proper man; but how did your flock
+behave to you--did they pay you your dues regularly?" Ah! good Christians,
+how shall I answer _that_ question?  Put it in my power to say something
+good of you: don't be ashamed to come up and pay your priest's dues.
+Come,--make a lane there, and let ye all come up with conthrite hearts and
+open hands. Tim Delaney!--make way for Tim:--how much will you give, Tim?
+
+_Tim._--I'll not be worse than another, your Riverence. I'll give a crown.
+
+_Father Frank._--Thank you, Timothy: the dacent drop is in you. Keep a
+lane, there!--any of ye that hasn't a crown, or half-a-crown, don't be
+bashful of coming up with your _hog_ or your _testher_.[6]
+
+    [6] A _shilling_ or a _sixpence_.
+
+And thus Father Frank went on encouraging and wheedling his flock to pay
+up his dues, until he had gone through his entire congregation, when I
+left the chapel, highly amused at the characteristic scene I had
+witnessed.
+
+X.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A PRUDENT REASON.
+
+Our gallant Sibthorp was lately invited by a friend to accompany him in a
+pleasure trip in his yacht to Cowes. "No!" exclaimed Sib.; "you don't
+catch me venturing near _Cowes_." "And why not?" inquired his friend.
+"Because I was never vaccinated," replied the hirsute hero.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+DOCTOR PEEL TAKING TIME TO CONSULT.
+
+Once upon a time--says an old Italian novelist--a horse fell, as in a fit,
+with his rider. The people, running from all sides, gathered about the
+steed, and many and opposite were the opinions of the sudden malady of the
+animal; as many the prescriptions tendered for his recovery. At length, a
+great hubbub arose among the mob; and a fellow, with the brass of a
+merryandrew, and the gravity of a quack-doctor, pressed through the
+throng, and approached the beast. Suddenly there was silence. It was plain
+to the vulgar that the solemn new-comer had brought with him some
+exquisite specific: it was evident, from the grave self-complacency of the
+stranger, that with a glance, he had detected the cause of sickness in the
+horse,--and that, in a few seconds, the prostrate animal, revivified by
+the cunning of the sage, would be up, and once more curvetting and
+caracoling. The master of the steed eyed the stranger with an affectionate
+anxiety; the mob were awed into breathless expectation. The wise man shook
+his head, put his cane to his nose, and proceeded to open his mouth. It
+was plain he was about to speak. Every ear throbbed and gaped to catch the
+golden syllables. At length the doctor did speak: for casting about him a
+look of the profoundest knowledge, and pointing to the steed, he said, in
+a deep, solemn whisper,--"_Let the horse alone!_" Saying this, the doctor
+vanished!
+
+The reader will immediately make the application. The horse _John Bull_ is
+prostrate. It will be remembered that Colonel SIBTHORP (that dull
+mountebank) spoke learnedly upon glanders--that others declared the animal
+needed a lighter burthen and a greater allowance of corn,--but that the
+majority of the mob made way for a certain quacksalver PEEL, who being
+regularly called in and fee'd for his advice, professed himself to be
+possessed of some miraculous elixir for the suffering quadruped. All eyes
+were upon the doctor--all ears open for him, when lo! on the 16th of
+September,--PEEL, speaking with the voice of an oracle, said--"It is not
+my intention in the present session of Parliament to submit any measures
+for the consideration of the House!" In other words--"_Let the horse
+alone!_"
+
+The praises of the Tory mob are loud and long at this wisdom of the
+doctor. He had loudly professed an intimate knowledge of the ailments of
+the horse--he had long predicted the fall of the poor beast,--and now,
+when the animal is down, and a remedy is looked for that shall once more
+set the creature on his legs, the veterinary politician says--"_Let the
+horse alone!_"
+
+The speech of Sir ROBERT PEEL was a pithy illustration of the good old
+Tory creed. He opens his oration with a benevolent and patriotic yearning
+for the comforts of Parliamentary warmth and ventilation. He moves for
+papers connected with "the building of the two houses of Parliament, and
+with the adoption of measures for _warming and ventilating_ those houses!"
+The whole policy of the Tories has ever exemplified their love of nice
+warm places; though, certainly, they have not been very great sticklers
+for atmospheric purity. Indeed, like certain other labourers, who work by
+night, they have toiled in the foulest air,--have profited by the most
+noisome labour. When Lord JOHN RUSSELL introduced that imperfect mode of
+ventilation, the Reform Bill, into the house, had he provided for a full
+and pure supply of public opinion,--had he ventilated the Commons by a
+more extended franchise,--Sir ROBERT PEEL would not, as minister, have
+shown such magnanimous concern for the creature comforts of Members of
+Parliament--he might, indeed, have still displayed his undying love of a
+warm place; but he would not have enjoyed it on the bench of the Treasury.
+As for ventilation, why, the creature Toryism, like a frog, could live in
+the heart of a tree;--it being always provided that the tree should bear
+golden pippins.
+
+We can, however, imagine that this solicitude of Sir ROBERT for the ease
+and comfort of the legislative Magi may operate to his advantage in the
+minds of certain honest folk, touched by the humanity which sheds so sweet
+a light upon the opening oration of the new minister. "If"--they will
+doubtless think--"the humane Baronet feels so acutely for the Lords
+Spiritual and Temporal,--if he has this regard for the convenience of only
+658 knights and burgesses,--if, in his enlarged humanity, he can feel for
+so helpless a creature as the Earl of COVENTRY, so mild, so unassuming a
+prelate as the Bishop of EXETER--if he can sympathise with the wants of
+even a D'ISRAELI, and tax his mighty intellect to make even SIBTHORP
+comfortable,--surely the same minister will have, aye, a morbid sense of
+the wants, the daily wretchedness of hundreds of thousands, who, with the
+fiend Corn Law grinning at their fireless hearths--pine and perish in
+weavers' hovels, for the which there has as yet been _no_ 'adoption of
+measures for the warming and ventilating.'" "Surely"--they will think--"the
+man whose sympathy is active for a few of the 'meanest things that live'
+will gush with sensibility towards a countless multitude, fluttering into
+rags and gaunt with famine. He will go back to first principles; he will,
+with a giant's arm, knock down all the conventionalities built by the
+selfishness of man--(and what a labourer is selfishness! there was no such
+hard worker at the Pyramids or the wall of China)--between him and his
+fellow! Hunger will be fed--nakedness will be clothed--and God's image,
+though stricken with age, and broken with disease, be acknowledged; not in
+the cut-and-dried Pharisaical phrase of trading Church-goers, as a thing
+vested with immortality--as a creature fashioned for everlasting
+solemnities--but _practically_ treated as of the great family of man--a
+brother, invited with the noblest of the C�sars, to an immortal banquet!"
+
+Such may be the hopes of a few, innocent of the knowledge of the
+stony-heartedness of Toryism. For ourselves, we hope nothing from Sir
+ROBERT PEEL. His flourish on the warming and ventilation of the new Houses
+of Parliament, taken in connexion with his opinions on the Corn Laws,
+reminds us of the benevolence of certain people in the East, who, careless
+and ignorant of the claims of their fellow-men, yet take every pains to
+erect comfortable hospitals and temples for dogs and vermin. Old
+travellers speak of these places, and of men being hired that the sacred
+fleas might feed upon their blood. Now, when we consider the history of
+legislation--when we look upon many of the statutes emanating from
+Parliament--how often might we call the House of Commons the House of
+Fleas? To be sure, there is yet this great difference: the poor who give
+their blood there, unlike the wretches of the East, give it for nothing!
+
+Sir ROBERT'S speech promises nothing whatever as to his future policy. He
+leaves everything open. He will not say that he will not go in precisely
+the line chalked out by the Whigs. "Next session," says. Sir ROBERT, "you
+shall see what you shall see." About next February, _Orson_, in the words
+of the oracle in the melo-drama, will be "endowed with reason." Until
+then, we must accept a note-of-hand for Sir ROBERT, that he may pay the
+expenses of the government.
+
+    "I have already expressed my opinion, that it is absolutely
+    necessary to adopt some measures for equalising the revenue and
+    expenditure, and we will avail ourselves of the earliest
+    opportunity, after mature consideration of the circumstances of the
+    country, to submit to a committee of the whole house measures for
+    remedying the existing state of things. _Whether that can be best
+    done by diminishing the expenditure of the country, or by
+    increasing the revenue, or by a combination of those two means--the
+    reduction of the expenditure and the increase of the revenue--I
+    must postpone for future consideration._"
+
+Why, Sir ROBERT was called in because he knew the disease of the patient.
+He had his remedy about him. The pills and the draught were in his
+pocket--yes, in his patriotic poke; but he refused to take the lid from
+the box--resolutely determined that the cork should not be drawn from the
+all-healing phial--until he was regularly called in; and, as the gypsies
+say, his hand crossed with a bit of money. Well, he now swears with such
+vigour to the excellence of his physic--he so talks for hours and hours
+upon the virtues of his drugs, that at length a special messenger is sent
+to him, and directions given that the Miraculous Doctor should be received
+at the state entrance of the patient's castle, with every mark of
+consideration. The Doctor is ensured his fee, and he sets to work.
+Thousands and thousands of hearts are beating whilst his eye scrutinizes
+John Bull's tongue--suspense weighs upon the bosom of millions as the
+Doctor feels his pulse. Well, these little ceremonies settled, the Doctor
+will, of course, pull out his phial, display his boluses, and take his
+leave with a promise of speedy health. By no means. "I must go home," says
+the Doctor, "and study your disease for a few months; cull simples by
+moonlight; and consult the whole Materia Medica; after that I'll write you
+a prescription. For the present, good morning."
+
+"But, my dear Doctor," cries the patient, "I dismissed my old physician,
+because you insisted that you knew my complaint and its, remedy already."
+
+"That's very true," says Doctor PEEL, "but _then_ I wasn't called in."
+
+The learned Bald�us tells us, that "Ceylon doctors give _jackall's flesh_
+for consumptions." Now, consumption is evidently John Bull's malady;
+hence, we would try the Ceylon prescription. The jackalls are the
+landowners; take a little of _their flesh_, Sir ROBERT, and for once,
+spare the bowels of the manufacturer.
+
+Q.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH'S PENCILLINGS.--No. XI.
+
+
+[Illustration: PLAYING THE KNAVE.
+
+DEDICATED TO THE MEMBERS OF ST. STEPHEN'S.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+BUNKS'S DISCOVERIES IN THE THAMES.
+
+A highly important and interesting survey of the coast between
+Arundel-stairs and Hungerford-market pier, is now being executed, under
+the superintendence of Bill Bunks, late commander of the coal-barge "Jim
+Crow." The result of his labours hitherto have been of the most
+interesting nature to the natural historian, the antiquarian, and the
+navigator. In his first report to the magistrates of the Thames-police, he
+states that he has advanced in his survey to Waterloo-bridge stairs, which
+he describes as a good landing-place for wherries, funnies, and small
+craft, but inadequate as a harbour for vessels of great burthen. The shore
+from Arundel-street, as far as he has explored, consists chiefly of a
+tenacious, dark-coloured substance, very closely resembling thick mud,
+intermixed with loose shingles, pebbles, and coal-slates. The depth of
+water is uncertain, as it varies with the tide, which he ascertains rises
+and falls every six hours; the greatest depth of water being usually found
+at the time when the tide is full in, and _vice versa_. He has also made
+the valuable discovery, that a considerable portion of the shore is always
+left uncovered at low water, at which periods he availed himself of the
+opportunity afforded him of examining it more minutely, and of collecting
+a large number of curious specimens in natural history, and interesting
+antiquarian relics. As we have had the privilege of being permitted to
+view them in the private museum of the
+"Stangate-and-Milbank-both-sides-of-the-water-united-for-the-advancement-
+of-Science-Association," we are enabled to lay before our readers the
+particulars of a few of these spoils, which the perseverance and
+intrepidity of our gallant countryman, Bill Bunks, has rescued from the
+hungry jaws of the rapacious deep; viz.:--
+
+1. "_A case of shells._" The greater number of the specimens are
+pronounced, by competent judges, to be shells of the native oyster; a fact
+worthy of note, as it proves the existence, in former ages, of an
+oyster-bed on this spot, and oysters being a sea-fish, it appears evident
+that either the sea has removed from London, or London has withdrawn
+itself from the sea. The point is open to discussion. We hope that the
+"Hookham-cum-Snivey Institution" will undertake the solution of it at one
+of their early meetings.
+
+2. "_The neck of a black bottle, with a cork in it._" This is a very
+interesting object of art, and one which has given rise to considerable
+discussion amongst the _literati_. The cork, which is inserted in the
+fragment of the neck, is quite perfect; it has been impressed with a seal
+in reddish-coloured wax; a portion of it remains, with a partly
+obliterated inscription, in Roman characters, of which we have been
+enabled to give the accompanying fac-simile.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+With considerable difficulty we have deciphered the legend thus:--The
+first letter B has evidently been a mistake of the engraver, who meant it
+for a P, the similarity of the sounds of the two letters being very likely
+to lead him into such an error. With this slight alteration, we have only
+to add the letter O to the first line, and we shall have "PRO." It
+requires little acuteness to discover that the second word, if complete,
+would be "PATRIA;" and the letters BR, the two lowest of the inscription,
+only want the addition of the letters IT to make "BRIT." or
+"BRITANNIARUM." The legend would then run, "PRO PATRIA BRITANNIARUM,"
+which there is good reason to suppose was the inscription on the cellar
+seal of Alfred the Great, though some presumptuous and common-minded
+persons have asserted that the legend, if perfect, would read, "BRETT'S
+PATENT BRANDY." Every antiquarian has, however, indignantly refused to
+admit such a degrading supposition.
+
+3. "_A perfect brick, and two broken tiles._" The first of these articles
+is in a high state of preservation, and from the circumstance of portions
+of mortar being found adhering to it, it is supposed that it formed part
+of the old London Wall.  We examined the fragments of the tiles carefully,
+but found no inscription or other data, by which to ascertain their
+probable antiquity: the tiles, in short, are buried in mystery.
+
+4. "_A fossil flat-iron._" This antediluvian relic was found imbedded in a
+Sandy deposite opposite Surrey-street, near high-water mark.
+
+5. "_An ancient leather buskin,_" supposed to have belonged to one of the
+Saxon kings. This singular covering for the foot reaches no higher than
+the ancle, and is laced up the front with a leathern thong, like a modern
+highlow, to which it bears a very decided resemblance.
+
+6. "_A skeleton of some unknown animal._"  Antiquarians cannot agree to
+what genus this animal belonged; ignorant people imagine it to have been a
+cat.
+
+7. "_A piece of broken porcelain._" This is an undoubted relic of Roman
+manufacture, and appears to have formed part of a plate. The blue "willow
+pattern" painted on it shows the antiquity of that popular design.
+
+There are several other extremely rare and curious antiquities to be seen
+in this collection, which we have not space to notice at present, but
+shall take an early opportunity of returning to the valuable discoveries
+made by the indefatigable Mr. Bunks.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A NEW CONJURING COMPANY.
+
+A report of so extraordinary a nature has just reached us, that we hasten
+to be the first, as usual, to lay the outlines of it before our readers,
+with the same early authenticity that has characterised all our other
+communications. Mr. Yates is at present in Paris, arranging matters with
+Louis Philippe and his family, to appear at the Adelphi during the ensuing
+season!!
+
+It would appear that the mania for great people wishing to strut and fret
+their four hours and a quarter upon the stage is on the increase--at least
+according to our friends the constituent members of the daily press.
+Despite the newspaper-death of the manager of the Surrey, by which his
+enemies wished to "_spargere voces in vulgum ambiguas_" to his prejudice
+(which means, in plain English, to tell lies of him behind his back), we
+have seen the report contradicted, that Mrs. Norton was about to appear
+there in a new equestrian spectacle, with double platforms, triple studs
+of Tartar hordes, and the other amphitheatrical enticers. We ourselves can
+declare, that there is no foundation in the announcement, no more than in
+the _on dit_ that the Countess of Blessington was engaged as a
+counter-attraction, for a limited number of nights, at the Victoria; or
+her lovely niece--a _power_ in herself--had been prevailed upon to make
+her _d�but_ at the Lyceum, in a new piece of a peculiar and unprecedented
+plot, which was prevented from coming off by some disagreement as to terms
+between the principal parties concerned. For true theatrical intelligence,
+our columns alone are to be relied upon; bright as a column of sparkling
+water, overpowering as a column of English cavalry, overlooking all London
+at once, as the column of the Monument, but _not_ so heavy as the column
+of the Duke of York.
+
+_Mais revenons � nos moutons_: which implies (we are again compelled to
+translate, and this time it is for the benefit of those who have not been
+to Boulogne), "we spoke of Louis Philippe and his family." This sagacious
+monarch, foreseeing that the French were in want of some new excitement,
+and grieving to find that the _pompe fun�bre_ of Napoleon, and the
+inauguration of his statue upon the monument of the victories that never
+took place, had not made the intense impression upon the minds of his
+vivacious subjects that he had intended it should produce, begins to
+think, that before long a fresh _�meute_ will once more throw up the
+barricades and paving-stones in the Rue St. Honor� and Boulevard des
+Italiens. As such, with the prudent foresight which has hitherto directed
+all his proceedings, he is naturally looking forward to the best means of
+gaining an honest livelihood for himself and family, should a corrupted
+national guard, or an excited St. Antoine mob take it into their heads to
+dine in the Tuileries without being asked. Having read in the English
+newspapers, which he regularly peruses, of the astounding performances of
+the Wizard of the North at the Adelphi, more especially as regards the
+"paralysing gun delusion," he commences to imagine that he is well
+qualified to undertake the same responsibility, more especially from the
+practice he has had in that line from pistols, rifles, fowling-pieces,
+and, above all, twenty-barrel infernal machines. He has therefore offered
+his services at the Adelphi, and Mr. Yates, with his accustomed energy,
+and avowed propensity for French translations, has agreed to bring him
+over. If we remember truly, the Wizard says in his programme, that the
+secret shall die with him. We beg to inform him, in all humility, that he
+deceives himself, for Louis Philippe and the Duke d'Aumale know the trick
+as well as he does. They would ride through two lines of _sans culottes_,
+all armed to the teeth, without the least injury. They would catch the
+bullets in their teeth, and take them home as curiosities.
+
+Orleans, from his knowledge of the English language, will probably become
+the adapter of the pieces "from the French" about to be produced. The Duke
+de Nemours will be engaged to play the fops in the light comedies, a line
+which, it is anticipated, he will shine in; and the Prince de Joinville
+can dance a capital sailor's hornpipe, which he learnt on board the _Belle
+Poule_, a name which our own sailors, with an excusable disregard for
+genders, converted into "The Jolly Cock." Of course, from his late
+experience, d'Aumale will assist Louis Philippe, upon emergency, in the
+gun trick, and, with the other attractions, a profitable season is sure to
+result.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+AN EXTENSIVE SACRIFICE.
+
+By Dr. Reid's new plan for ventilating the House of Commons, a porous hair
+carpet will be required for the floor; to provide materials for which Mr.
+Muntz has, in the most handsome manner, offered to shave off his beard and
+whiskers. This is true magnanimity--Muntz is a noble fellow! and the
+lasting gratitude of the House is due to him and his _hairs_ for ever.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+FASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE.
+
+It is expected that Mr. Snooks and family will pass the winter at
+Battersea, as the warmth of the climate is strongly recommended for the
+restoration of the health of Mrs. Snooks, who is in a state of such
+alarming delicacy, as almost to threaten a realisation of the fears of her
+best friends and the hopes of the black-job master who usually serves the
+family.
+
+Mr. Snivins gave a large tea-party, last week, at Greenwich, where the
+boiling water was supplied by the people of the house, the essentials
+having been brought by the visitors.
+
+Mr. Popkins has left his attic in the New-Cut, for a _tour_ on the Brixton
+tread-mill.
+
+K 32 left his official residence at the station-house, for his beat in
+Leicester-square, and repaired at once to a public-house in the
+neighbourhood, where he had an audience of several pickpockets.
+
+We are authorised to state, that there is no foundation whatever for the
+report that a certain well-known policeman is about to lead to the altar a
+certain unknown lady. The rumour originated in his having been seen
+leading her before the magistrate.
+
+Dick Wiggins transacted business yesterday in Cold Bath-fields, and picked
+the appointed quantity of oakum.
+
+Mr. Baron Nathan has left Margate for Kennington. We have not heard
+whether he was accompanied by the Baroness. The Honourable Miss Nathan,
+when we last heard of her, was dancing a hornpipe among a shilling's worth
+of new laid eggs, at Tivoli.
+
+A few minutes after Sir Robert Peel left Privy-Gardens, in a carriage and
+four, for Claremont, Sam Snoxell jumped up behind the Brighton stage, from
+which he descended, after having been whipped down, at Kennington.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+IMPORTANT INVENTION.
+
+The celebrated _savant_ Sir Peter Laurie, whose scientific labours to
+discover the cause of the variation of the weathercock on Bow Church, have
+astonished the Lord Mayor and the Board of Aldermen, has lately turned his
+attention to the subject of railroads. The result of his profound
+cogitations has been highly satisfactory. He has produced a plan for a
+railway on an entirely new principle, which will combine cheapness and
+security in an extraordinary degree. We have been favoured with a view of
+the inventor's plans, and we have no hesitation in saying that, if
+adopted, the most timid person may, with perfect safety, take
+
+[Illustration: A RIDE ON  THE RAIL.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE BATTLE AND THE BREEZE.
+
+Our readers are informed that, despite the belligerent character of the
+correspondence between the fierce Fitz-Roy and the "Gentle" Shepherd,
+although it came to a slight _blow_, there is nothing to warrant an
+anticipation of their
+
+[Illustration: GETTING UP THE BREEZE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE FASTING PHENOMENON.
+
+The Tories have engaged Bernard Cavanagh, the Irish fasting phenomenon, to
+give lectures on his system of abstinence, which they think might be
+beneficially introduced amongst the working-classes of England. This is a
+truly Christian principle of government, for while the people _fast_, the
+ministers will not fail to _prey_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+TORY BOONS.
+
+_Air_.--"NORA CREINA"
+
+  The Whigs they promised every day
+    To cure the ills which did surround us;
+  It should have been, "no cure, no pay!"
+    For now we're worse than when they found us.
+  The Tory clique at length are in,
+    And vow that they will save the nation,
+  So kindly give us, to begin--
+    Exchequer bills and ventilation.
+      Oh! the artful Tories _dear_,
+        Oh! the _dear_, the artful Tories
+      They alone perceive, 'tis clear,
+        That taxes tend to England's glories.
+
+  The Whigs declared cheap bread was good;
+    To satisfy the people's cravings
+  They tried to take the tax off wood--
+    Lord knows what might be done with shavings!
+  The Tories vow these schemes were wrong,
+    And adverse to good legislation;
+  Therefore, propose (so runs our song)--
+    Exchequer bills and ventilation.
+      Oh! the artful Tories _dear_,
+        Oh! the _dear_ and artful Tories;
+      They alone perceive, 'tis clear,
+        Taxes tend to England's glories.
+
+  The Whigs became the poor man's foe,
+    Mix'd ashes in his cup of sorrow;
+  Nor thought the pauper's "lot of woe,"
+    Perchance might be their own to-morrow.
+  The Tories said they were his friend,
+    That they abhorr'd procrastination;
+  So give--till next July shall end--
+    Exchequer bills and ventilation.
+      Oh! the artful Tories _dear_,
+        Oh! the _dear_ and artful Tories;
+      They alone perceive, 'tis clear,
+        Taxes tend to England's glories.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+RECREATION FOR THE PUBLIC.
+
+Sir Robert Peel seems impressed with the necessity of providing the
+citizens of London with additional parks, where they may recreate
+themselves, and breathe the free air of heaven. But, strange as it may
+seem, the people cannot live on fresh air, unaccompanied by some stomachic
+of a more substantial nature; yet they are forbidden to grumble at the
+diet, or, if they do, they are silenced according to the good old Tory
+plan of
+
+[Illustration: OPENING A PARK FOR THE PEOPLE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Colonel Sibthorp thinks he recollects having been Hannibal once--long
+ago--although he cannot account for his having been beaten in the _Pun_-ic
+war.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LIGHT OF ALL NATIONS.
+
+The public are aware that this important national undertaking, which is
+now about to be commenced, is to be a prodigious cast-iron light-house on
+the Goodwin Sands. Peter Borthwick and our Sibby are already candidates
+for the office of universal illuminators. Peter rests his claims chiefly
+on the brilliancy of his ideas, as exemplified in his plan for lighting
+the metropolis with bottled moonshine; while Sib. proudly refers to our
+columns for imperishable evidences of the intensity of his wit, conscious
+that these alone would entitle him to be called "the light of all
+nations." We trust that Sir Robert Peel will exercise a sound discretion
+in bestowing this important situation. Highly as we esteem Peter's
+dazzling talents--profoundly as we admire his bottled moonshine scheme--we
+feel there is no man in the world more worthy of being elevated to the
+lantern than our refulgent friend Sibthorp.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A SHORT TREATISE OF DRAMATIC CASUALTIES.
+
+VERY PROFITABLE TO READ.
+
+Let our Treatise of Dramatic Casualties be that which treateth of the
+misfortunes contingent upon the profession of dramatic authors. Now, of
+unfortunate dramatic authors there be two grand kinds--namely, they that
+be unfortunate before the production of their works, and they that be
+unfortunate after the production of their works.
+
+And first, among them that be unfortunate before the production of their
+works may he enumerated--
+
+    1.--He that, having but one manuscript of his piece leaveth the
+        same with the manager for inspection, and it falleth out that
+        he seeth it no more, neither heareth thereof.
+
+    2.--He that having translated a piece from the French, and bestowed
+        thereon much time, findeth himself forestalled.
+
+    3.--He that, having written a pantomime, carrieth it in his pocket,
+        and straight there cometh a dishonest person, who, taking the
+        same, selleth it for waste paper.
+
+    4.--He that presenteth his piece to all the theatres in succession,
+        and lo! it ever returneth, accompanied with a polite note
+        expressive of disapprobation or the like.
+
+    5.--He whose piece is approved by the manager, but, nevertheless,
+        the same produceth it not, for divers reasons, which do vary at
+        every interview.
+
+    6.--He that communicateth the idea of a yet unwritten drama to a
+        friend, who, being of a fair wit, and prompt withal, useth the
+        same to his own ends and reapeth the harvest thereof.
+
+And secondly, of them that be unfortunate after the production of their
+works, there be some whose pieces are successful, and there be some whose
+pieces are not successful.
+
+And firstly, of unfortunate authors whose pieces are unsuccessful there
+be--
+
+    1.--Those who write a piece which faileth through its own demerits,
+        which may be, as--
+
+        A.--He that writeth a farce or comedy, and neglecteth to
+            introduce jokes in the same.
+
+        B.--He that writeth a farce or comedy, and introduceth bad
+            jokes in the same.
+
+        C.--He that writeth a farce or comedy, and introduceth old
+            jokes in the same.
+
+        D.--He that writeth a tragedy, and introduceth matter for
+            merriment therein.
+
+        E.--He that, in either tragedy, comedy, farce, or other
+            entertainment, shocketh the propriety of the audience, or
+            causeth a division in the same, by political allusions.
+
+    2.--He that writeth a piece which faileth, though not through its
+        own demerits, which may be, as--
+
+      A.--When the principal actor, not having the author's words by
+          heart, and being of a suggestive wit and good assurance,
+          substituteth others, which he deemeth sufficient.
+
+      B.--When the principal actor, not having the author's words by
+          heart, and being of a dull and heavy turn, and deaf withal,
+          substituteth nothing, but standeth aghast, yearning for the
+          voice of the prompter.
+
+      C.--When the scene-shifter ingeniously introduceth a forest into
+          a bed-chamber, or committeth the like incongruity, marvellous
+          pleasant and mirthful to behold, but in no way conducive to
+          success.
+
+      D.--When pistols or other fire-arms do miss fire; when red fire
+          igniteth not, or igniteth the scenes; when a trap-door
+          refuseth to open, a rope to draw, and the like.
+
+      E.--When the author intrusteth his principal part to a new actor,
+          and it falleth out that the same doth grievously offend the
+          audience, who straight insist that he do quit the stage,
+          whereby the ruin of the piece is consummated.
+
+      F.--Likewise there be misfortunes that arise from the audience;
+          as, when at a momentous point of the plot there entereth one
+          heated with liquor, and causeth a disturbance, or a woman
+          with a huge bonnet becometh the subject of a discussion as to
+          her right to wear the same, and impede the view of them that
+          be behind; also when there cometh in a ruffian, or more, in a
+          pea-coat, who having been charged by an enemy to work the
+          ruin of the piece, endeavoureth to do the same, by dint of
+          hisses or other unseemly noises, all of which be highly
+          pernicious.
+
+Secondly, of those unfortunate authors who have been successful, there
+be--
+
+    1.--He whose piece, albeit successful, is withdrawn to make room
+        for the Christmas pantomine, Easter piece, or other
+        entertainment equally cherished by the manager, who thereupon
+        groundeth a plea of non-payment.
+
+    2.--He who being a creditor of the manager, and the same being
+        unable to meet his obligations, by an ingenious contrivance of
+        the law becometh cleansed thereof, an operation which hath been
+        conceitedly termed "whitewashing."
+
+    3.--He that writeth a piece with a friend, and the same claimeth
+        the entire authorship thereof and emolument therefrom.
+
+And there be divers other calamities which we have neither space nor time
+to enumerate, but which be all incentives to abstain from dramatic
+writing.
+
+PERDITUS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH'S THEATRE.
+
+JACK KETCH; OR, A LEAF FROM TYBURN TREE.
+
+Modern legislation is chiefly remarkable for its oppressive interference
+with the elegant amusements of the mob. Bartholomew-fair is abolished;
+bull-baiting, cock-pits, and duck-hunts are put down by act of Parliament;
+prize-fighting, by the New Police--even those morally healthful
+exhibitions, formerly afforded opposite the Debtors' Door of Newgate, for
+the sake of _example_--that were attended by idlers in hundreds, and
+thieves in thousands--are fast growing into disuse. The "masses" see no
+pleasure now: even the hanging-matches are cut off.
+
+Deeply compassionating the effects of so illiberal an innovation, Mr. G.
+Almar the author to, and Mr. R. Honner the proprietor of, Sadler's Wells
+Theatre, have produced an exhibition which in a great degree makes up for
+the infrequent performances at the Old Bailey. Those whose moral
+sensibilities are refined to the choking point--who can relish stage
+strangulation in all its interesting varieties better than Shakspere, are
+now provided with a rich treat. They need not wait for the Recorder's
+black cap and a black Monday morning--the Sadler's Wells' people hang
+every night with great success; for, unless one goes early, there is--as
+is the case wherever hanging takes place--no _standing room_ to be had for
+love or money.
+
+The play is simply the history of Jack Ketch, a gentleman who flourished
+at the beginning of the last century, and who, by industry and
+perseverance, attained to the rank of public executioner; an office he
+performed with such skill and effect that his successors have, as the
+bills inform us, inherited "his soubriquet" with his office. He is
+introduced to the audience as a ropemaker's apprentice, living in the
+immediate neighbourhood of Execution-Dock, and loving _Barbara Allen_, "a
+young spinster residing at the Cottage of Content, upon the borders of
+Epping Forest, supporting herself by the produce of her wheel and the
+cultivation of her flower-garden." He beguiles his time, while twisting
+the hemp, by spinning a tedious yarn about this well-to-do spinster; from
+which we infer _Barbara's_ barbarity, and that he is crossed in love. The
+soliloquy is interrupted by an elderly man, who enters to remark that he
+has come out for a little relaxation after a hard morning's work: no
+wonder, for we soon learn that he is the _Jack Ketch_ of his day, and has,
+but an hour before, tucked up two brace of pirates. With this pleasing
+information, and a sharp dialogue on his favourite subject with the hero,
+he retires.
+
+Here the interest begins; three or four foot-stamps are heard behind;
+_Jack_ starts--"Ah, that noise," &c.--and on comes the author of the
+piece, "his first appearance here these five years." He approaches the
+foot-lights--he turns up his eyes--he thumps his breast--and goes through
+this exercise three or four times, before the audience understand that
+they are to applaud. They do so; and the play goes on as if nothing had
+happened; for this is an episode expressive of a "first appearance these
+five years." _Gipsy George_ or Mr. G. Almar, whichever you please, having
+assured _Jack Ketch_ that he is starving and in utter destitution,
+proceeds to give five shillings for a piece of rope, and walks away, after
+taking great pains to assure everybody that he is going to hang himself.
+Before, however, he has had time to make the first coil of a hempen
+collar, _Jack_ looks off, and descries the stranger in the last agonies of
+strangulation, amidst the most deafening applause from the audience, whose
+disgust is indignantly expressed by silence when he exits to cut the man
+down. Their delight is only revived by the apparition of _Gipsy George_,
+pale and ghastly, _with the rope round his neck_, and the exclamation that
+he is "done for." _Barabbas_, the hangman, who re-appears with the rest,
+is upbraided by _Jack_ for coolly looking on and letting the man hang
+himself, without raising an alarm. Mr. B. answers, that "it was no
+business of his." Like Sir Robert Peel and the rest of the profession, it
+was evidently his maxim not to interfere, unless "regularly called in."
+The _Gipsy_, so far from dying, recovers sufficiently to make to _Jack_
+some important disclosures; but of that mysterious kind peculiar to
+melodrama, by which nobody is the wiser. They, however, bear reference to
+_Jack's_ deceased father, a clasp-knife, a certain _Sir Gregory_ of "the
+gash," and the four gentlemen so recently suspended at Execution-Dock.
+
+The residence of Content and Barbara Allen is a scene, the minute
+correctness of which it would be wicked to doubt, when the bills so
+solemnly guarantee that it is copied from the "best authorities."
+_Barbara_ opens the door, makes a curtsey, produces a purse, and after
+saying she is going to pay her rent, is, by an ingenious contrivance of
+the Sadler's Wells' Shakspere, confronted with her landlord, the _Sir
+Gregory_ before-mentioned. All stage-landlords are villains, who prefer
+seduction to rent, and he of the "gash" is no exception. The struggle,
+rescue, and duel, which follow, are got through in no time. The last would
+certainly have been fatal, had not the assailant's servant come on to
+announce that "a gentleman wished to speak to him at his own residence."
+The lover (who is of course the rescuer) deems this a sufficient excuse to
+let off his antagonist without a scratch; _Barbara_ rewards him with an
+embrace and a rose, just as another rival intrudes himself in the person
+of _Mr. John Ketch_. The altercation which now ensues is but slight; for
+_Jack_, instead of fighting, goes off to Fairlop-fair with another young
+lady, who seems to come upon the stage for no other purpose than to oblige
+him. At the fair we find _Jack's_ spirits considerably damped by the
+prediction of a gipsy, that he will marry a hangman's daughter; but, after
+the jumping in sacks, which forms a part of the sports, he rescues
+_Barbara_ from being once more assailed by her landlord. Thereupon another
+component of the festive scene--our friend the hangman--declares that she
+is his daughter! "Horror" tableau, and end of Act I.
+
+After establishing a lapse of four years between the acts, the author
+takes high ground;--we are presented with the summit of Primrose-hill, St.
+Paul's in the distance, and a gentleman with black clothes, and literary
+habits, reading in the foreground. This turns out to be "The Laird
+Lawson," _Barbara's_ favoured lover and benevolent duellist. Though on the
+top of Cockney Mount, he is suffering under a deep depression of spirits;
+for he has never seen _Miss Allen_ during four years, come next
+Fairlop-fair. Having heard this, the audience is, of course, quite
+prepared for that lady's appearance; and, sure enough, on she comes,
+accounting for her presence with great adroitness:--having left the city
+to go to Holloway, she is taking a short cut over Primrose-hill. The
+lovers go through the mode of recognition never departed from at minor
+theatres, with the most frantic energy, and have nearly hugged themselves
+out of breath, when the executioner papa interrupts the blissful scene,
+without so much as saying how he got there; but "finishers" are mysterious
+beings. _Barabbas_ denounces the laird; and when his consent is asked for
+the hand of _Miss Barbara_, tells the lover "he will see him hanged
+first!"
+
+The moon, a dark stage, and _Jack Ketch_ in the character of a foot-pad,
+now add to the romance of the drama. Not to leave anything unexplained,
+the hero declares, that he has cut the walk of life he formerly trod in
+the rope ditto, and has been induced to take to the road solely by Fate,
+brandy and (not salt, but) _Barbara!_ By some extraordinary accident,
+every character in the piece, with two exceptions, have occasion to tread
+this scene--"Holloway and heath near the village of Holloway" (painted
+from the best authorities), just exactly in time to be robbed by _Ketch_;
+who shows himself a perfect master of his business, and a credit to his
+instructor; for _Gipsy George_ rewards _Jack_ for saving him from hanging,
+by showing his friend the shortest way to the gallows.
+
+In the following scene, the plot breaks out in a fresh place. The man with
+the "gash," and _Gipsy George_ are together, going over some youthful
+reminiscences. It seems that once upon a time there were six pirates; four
+were those pendents from the gibbet at Execution-Dock one hears so much
+about at the commencement; the fifth is the speaker, _Gipsy George_; and
+"you," exclaims that person, striking an attitude, and addressing _Sir
+Gregory_, "make up the half-dozen!" They all formerly did business in a
+ship called the "Morning Star," and whenever the ex-pirate number five is
+in pecuniary distress, he bawls out into the ear of _ci-devant_ pirate
+number six, the words "Morning Star!" and a purse of hush-money is forked
+out in a trice. In this manner _Gipsy George_ accumulates, by the end of
+the piece, a large property; for six or eight purses, all ready filled for
+each occasion, thus pass into his pockets.
+
+The "best authorities" furnish us, next, with an interior; that of "the
+Mug, a chocolate house and tavern," where a new plot is hatched against
+the crown and dignity of the late respected George the First, by a party
+of Jacobites. These consist of a half-dozen of Hanoverian Whigs, who
+enter, duly decorated with an equal number of hats of every variety of
+cock and cockade. The heroine seems to have engaged herself here as
+waitress, on purpose to meet her persecutor, _Sir Gregory_, and her late
+lover, _Jack Ketch_. What comes of this rencontre it is impossible to make
+out, for a general _m�l�e_ ensues, caused by a discovery of the plot;
+which is by no means a gunpowder plot; for although a file of soldiers
+present their arms for several minutes full at the conspirators, not a
+single musket goes off. Perhaps gunpowder was expensive in the reign of
+George the First. _Jack Ketch_ ends the act with a dream--an _apropos
+finale_, for we caught several of our neighbours napping. The scene in
+which this vision takes place is the crowning result of the painter's
+researches amongst the "best authorities;" it being no less than "a garret
+in Grub-street, _in which the great Daniel De Foe composed his romance of
+Robinson Crusoe!!_"
+
+A fishing-party--whose dulness is relieved by a suicide--opens the last
+act: one of the anglers having finished a comic song--which from its
+extreme gravity forms an appropriate dirge to the forthcoming
+felo-de-se--goes off with his companion to leave the water clear for
+_Barbara Allen_, who enters, takes an affecting leave of her laird lover,
+and straightway drowns herself. _Jack Ketch_ is now, by a rapid change of
+scene, discovered in limbo, and condemned to death; why, we were too
+stupid to make out. The fatal cart--very likely modelled after "the best
+authorities"--next occupies the stage, drawn by a real horse, and filled
+with _Sir Gregory Gash_ (who it seems is going to be hanged) and _Jack
+Ketch_ not as a prisoner, but as an officer of the crown; for we are to
+suppose that _Mr. Barabbas_, having retired from the public scaffold to
+private life, has seceded in favour of _Jack Ketch_, who is saved from the
+rope himself, on condition of his using it upon the person of _Sir
+Gregory_ and every succeeding criminal. All the characters come on with
+the cart, and a _d�nouement_ evidently impends. The distracted lover
+demands of somebody to restore his mistress, which _Gipsy George_ is
+really so polite as to do; for although the bills expressly inform us she
+has committed "suicide," and we have actually seen her jump into the river
+Lea; yet there she is safe and sound!--carefully preserved in an envelope
+formed partly by the _Gipsy_ himself, and partly by his cloak. She, of
+course, embraces her lover, and leaves _Jack Ketch_ to embrace his
+profession with what appetite he may; all, in fact, ends happily, and _Sir
+Gregory_ goes off to be hanged.
+
+This, then, is the state to which the founders of the Newgate school of
+dramatic literature, and the march of intellect, have brought us. Nothing
+short of actual hanging--the most revolting and repulsive of all possible
+subjects to enter, much less to dwell in any mind not actually
+savage--must now be provided to meet the refined taste of play-goers. In
+the present instance, nothing but the actual _spiciness_ of the subject
+saved the piece from the last sentence of even Sadler's Wells' critical
+law; for in construction and detail, it is the veriest mass of incoherent
+rubbish that was ever shot upon the plains of common sense. The sketch we
+have made is in no one instance exaggerated. Our readers may therefore
+easily judge whether we speak truly or not.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH AT THE NEW STRAND.
+
+When Napoleon first appeared before the grand army after his return from
+Elba--when Queen Victoria made her _d�b�t_ at the assemblage of her first
+parliament--when Kean performed "Othello" at Drury Lane immediately after
+he had caused a certain friend of his to play the same part in the Court
+of King's Bench--the public mind was terribly agitated, and the public's
+legs instinctively carried them, on each occasion, to behold those great
+performers. When--to give these circumstances their highest
+application,--"Punch," on Thursday last, came out in the regular drama,
+the excitement was no less intense. Boxes were besieged; the pit was
+choked up, and the gallery creaked with its celestial encumbrance.
+
+As the curtain drew up, there would have been a death-like silence but for
+the unparalleled sales that were taking place in apples, oranges, and
+ginger-beer. Expectation was on tip-toe, as were the persons occupying
+that department of the theatre called "standing-room." The looked-for
+moment came; the "drop" ascended, and the spectators beheld _Mr. Dionysius
+Swivel_, a pint of ale, and Punch's theatre!
+
+"Tragedy," saith the Aristotelian recipe for cooking up a serious drama,
+"should have the probable, the marvellous, and the pathetic." In the
+_tableau_ thus presented, the audience beheld the three conditions
+strictly complied with all at once. "It was highly probable," as _Mr.
+Swivel_ observed to the source of pipes, 'bacca, and malt--in other words,
+to the landlady he was addressing--that his master, the showman, was
+unable to pay the score he had run up; it was marvellous that the
+proprietor of so popular a puppet as "Punch" should not have even the
+price of a pint of ale in his treasury; lastly, that circumstance was
+deeply pathetic; for what so heart-rending as the exhibition of fallen
+greatness, of broken-down prosperity, of affluence regularly stumped and
+hard-up! The fact is, that "Punch," his theatre, and _corps dramatique_,
+are in pawn for eight-and-ninepence!
+
+In the midst of this distress there appears a young gentleman, giving vent
+to passionate exclamations, while furiously buttoning up a tight surtout.
+The object of his love is the daughter of the object of his hate. _Mr.
+Snozzle_, having previously made his bow, overhears him, and being the
+acting manager of "Punch," and having a variety of plots for rescuing
+injured lovers from inextricable difficulties on hand, offers one of them
+to the lover, considerably over cost price; namely, for the
+puppet-detaining eight-and-ninepence, and a glass of brandy-and-water. The
+bargain being struck, the scene changes.
+
+To the happiness of being the possessor of "Punch," _Mr. Snozzle_ adds
+that of having a wonderful wife--a lady of universal talents; who dances
+in spangled shoes, plays on the tamburine, and sings Whitechapel French
+like a native. This inestimable creature has already gone round the town
+on a singing, dancing, and cash-collecting expedition; accompanied by the
+drum, mouth-organ, and _Swivel_. We now find her enchanting the
+flinty-hearted father, _Old Fellum_. Having been instrumental, by means of
+her vocal abilities, in drawing from him a declaration of amorous
+attachment and half-a-crown, she retires, to bury herself in the arms of
+her husband, and to eradicate the score, recorded in chalk, at _Mrs.
+Rummer's_ hotel.
+
+In the meantime _Snozzle_, having sold a plot, proceeds to fulfil the
+bargain by executing it. He enters with PUNCH'S theatre, to treat _Old
+Fellum_ with a second exhibition, and his daughter with an elopement; for
+in the midst of the performance the young lady detects the big drum in the
+act of "winking at her;" and she soon discovers that PUNCH'S orchestra is
+no other than her own lover. _Fellum_ is delighted with the show, to which
+he is attentive enough to allow of the lovers' escaping. He pursues them
+when it is too late, and having been so precipitate in his exit as to
+remember to forget to pay for his amusement, _Swivel_ steals a handsome
+cage, parrot included.
+
+Good gracious! what a scene of confusion and confabulation next takes
+place! _Fellum's_ first stage in pursuit is the public-house; there he
+unwittingly persuades _Mrs. Snozzle_ that her spouse is unfaithful--that
+_he_ it was who "stole away the old man's daughter." _Mrs. Snozzle_ raves,
+and threatens a divorce; _Snozzle_ himself trembles--he suspects the
+police are after him for being the receiver of stolen goods, instead of
+the deceiver of unsuspecting virtue. _Swivel_ dreads being taken up for
+prigging the parrot; and a frightful catastrophe is only averted by the
+entrance of the truant lovers, who have performed the comedy of
+"Matrimony" in a much shorter time than is allowed by the act of
+Parliament.
+
+Mrs. Keeley played the tamburine, and the part of _Snozzle femme_. This
+was more than acting; it was nature enriched with humour--character
+broadly painted without a tinge of caricature. The solemnity of her
+countenance, while performing with her feet, was a correct copy from the
+expression of self-approbation--of the wonder-how-I-do-it-so-well--always
+observable during the dances of the _fair_ sex; her tones when singing
+were unerringly brought from the street; her spangled dress was assuredly
+borrowed from Scowton's caravan. As a work of dramatic art, this
+performance is, of its kind, most complete. Keeley's _Snozzle_ was quiet,
+rich, and philosophical; and Saunders made a Judy of himself with
+unparalleled success. _Frank Finch_ got his deserts in the hands of a Mr.
+Everett; for being a lover, no matter how awkward and ungainly an actor is
+made to represent him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"OH! DAY AND NIGHT, BUT THIS IS WONDROUS STRANGE!"
+
+    "We believe, from the first, _Day_ was intended to mount, and
+    wherefore it was made a mystery we know not.--DOINGS AT
+    DONCASTER."--[Sunday Times.]
+
+  Poor Coronation well may say,
+    "A mystery I mark;
+  Though jockey'd by the _lightest Day_
+    They tried to keep me dark."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+1, September 25, 1841, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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+<title>Punch, or the London Charivari. September 25, 1841.</title>
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+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1,
+September 25, 1841, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, September 25, 1841
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14929]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+<h1>PUNCH,<br />
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+<h2>VOL. 1.</h2>
+<hr class="full" />
+<h2>SEPTEMBER 25, 1841.</h2>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page121" name="page121"></a>[pg
+121]</span>
+<h2>THE HEIR OF APPLEBITE.</h2>
+<h3>CHAPTER V.</h3>
+<h4>SHOWS THAT &ldquo;THERE&rsquo;S MANY A SLIP&rdquo; BETWEEN
+OTHER THINGS BESIDE &ldquo;THE CUP AND THE LIP.&rdquo;</h4>
+<div class="dropcap"><a href="images/011-01.png"><img src=
+"images/011-01.png" alt=
+"Block and tackle are lifting a 'T' into place." id="img011-01"
+name="img011-01" width="100%" /></a></div>
+<p><span class="hide">T</span>he heir of Applebite continued to
+squall and thrive, to the infinite delight of his youthful mamma,
+who was determined that the joyful occasion of his cutting his
+first tooth should be duly celebrated by an evening party of great
+splendour; and accordingly cards were issued to the following
+effect:&mdash;</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<p class="cen">MR. AND MRS. APPLEBITE</p>
+<p class="cen">REQUEST THE HONOUR OF</p>
+<p class="cen">&mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash;&lsquo;s</p>
+<p class="cen">COMPANY TO AN EVENING PARTY,</p>
+<p class="cen">On Thursday, the 12th inst.</p>
+<p class="cen">
+<em>Quadrilles</em>.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<em>An
+Answer will oblige</em>.</p>
+</div>
+<p>It was the first home-made party that Collumpsion had ever
+given; for though during his bachelorhood he had been no niggard of
+his hospitality, yet the confectioner had supplied the edibles, and
+the upholsterer arranged the decorations; but now Mrs. Applebite,
+with a laudable spirit of economy, converted No. 24,
+Pleasant-terrace, into a perfect <em>cuisine</em> for a week
+preceding the eventful evening; and old John was kept in a constant
+state of excitement by Mrs. Waddledot, who superintended the
+ornamental department of these elaborate preparations.</p>
+<p>Agamemnon felt that he was a cipher in the house, for no one
+condescended to notice him for three whole days, and it was with
+extreme difficulty that he could procure the means of
+&ldquo;recruiting exhausted nature&rdquo; at those particular hours
+which had hitherto been devoted to the necessary operation.</p>
+<p>On the morning of the 12th, Agamemnon was anxiously engaged in
+endeavouring to acquire a knowledge of the last alterations in the
+figure of <em>La Pastorale</em>, when he fancied he heard an
+unusual commotion in the lower apartments of his establishment. In
+a few moments his name was vociferously pronounced by Mrs.
+Applebite, and the affrighted Collumpsion rushed down stairs,
+expecting to find himself another Thyestes, whose children, it is
+recorded, were made into a pie for his own consumption.</p>
+<p>On entering the kitchen he perceived the cause of the uproar,
+although he could see nothing else, for the dense suffocating
+vapour with which the room was filled.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Oh dear!&rdquo; said Mrs. Applebite, &ldquo;the
+chimney&rsquo;s on fire; one pound of fresh
+butter&mdash;&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;And two pound o&rsquo;lard&rsquo;s done it!&rdquo;
+exclaimed Susan.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;What&rsquo;s to be done?&rdquo; inquired Collumpsion.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Send for my brother, sir,&rdquo; said Betty.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Where does he live?&rdquo; cried old John.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;On No. 746,&rdquo; replied Betty.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Where&rsquo;s that?&rdquo; cried the whole assembled
+party.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I don&rsquo;t know, but it&rsquo;s a hackney-coach as he
+drives,&rdquo; said Betty.</p>
+<p>A general chorus of &ldquo;Pshaw!&rdquo; greeted this very
+unsatisfactory rejoinder. Another rush of smoke into the kitchen
+rendered some more active measures necessary, and, after a short
+discussion, it was decided that John and Betty should proceed to
+the roof of the house with two pailsful of water, whilst Agamemnon
+remained below to watch the effects of the measure. When John and
+Betty arrived at the chimney-pots, the pother was so confusing,
+that they were undecided which was the rebellious flue! but, in
+order to render assurance doubly sure, they each selected the one
+they conceived to be the delinquent, and discharged the contents of
+their buckets accordingly, without any apparent diminution of the
+intestine war which was raging in the chimney. A fresh supply from
+a cistern on the roof, similarly applied, produced no better
+effects, and Agamemnon, in an agony of doubt, rushed up-stairs to
+ascertain the cause of non-abatement. Accidentally popping his head
+into the drawing-room, what was his horror at beholding the
+beautiful Brussels carpet, so lately &ldquo;redolent of brilliant
+hues,&rdquo; one sheet of inky liquid, into which Mrs. Waddledot
+(who had followed him) instantly swooned. Agamemnon, in his alarm,
+never thought of his wife&rsquo;s mother, but had rushed half-way
+up the next flight of stairs, when a violent knocking arrested his
+ascent, and, with the fear of the whole fire-brigade before his
+eyes, he re-rushed to open the door, the knocker of which kept up
+an incessant clamour both in and out of the house. The first person
+that met his view was a footman, 25, dyed with the same sooty
+evidence of John and Betty&rsquo;s exertions, as he had encountered
+on entering his own drawing-room. The dreadful fact flashed upon
+Collumpsion&rsquo;s mind, and long before the winded and saturated
+servant could detail the horrors he had witnessed in &ldquo;his
+missuses best bed-room, in No. 25,&rdquo; the bewildered proprietor
+of No. 24 was franticly shaking his innocently offending menials on
+the leads of his own establishment. Then came a confused noise of
+little voices in the street, shouting and hurraing in the fulness
+of that delight which we regret to say is too frequently felt by
+the world at large at the misfortunes of one in particular. Then
+came the sullen rumble of the parish engine, followed by violent
+assaults on the bell and knocker, then another huzza! welcoming the
+extraction of the fire-plug, and the sparkling fountain of
+&ldquo;New River,&rdquo; which followed as a providential
+consequence. Collumpsion again descended, as John had at last
+discovered the right chimney, and having inundated the stewpans and
+the kitchen, had succeeded in extinguishing the sooty cause of all
+these disasters. The mob had, by this time, increased to an
+alarming extent. Policemen were busily employed in making a ring
+for the exhibition of the water-works&mdash;little boys were
+pushing each other into the flowing gutters&mdash;small girls, with
+astonished infants in their arms, were struggling for front places
+against the opposite railings; and every window, from the
+drawing-rooms to the attics, in Pleasant-terrace were studded with
+heads, in someway resembling the doll heads in a gingerbread
+lottery, with which a man on a wooden leg was tempting the monied
+portion of the juvenile alarmists. Agamemnon opened the door, and
+being flanked by the whole of his household, proceeded to address
+the populace on the present satisfactory state of his kitchen
+chimney. The announcement was received by expressions of extreme
+disgust, as though every auditor considered that a fire ought to
+have taken place, and that they had been defrauded of their time
+and excitement, and that the extinguishing of the same by any other
+means than by legitimate engines was a gross imposition. He was
+about remonstrating with them on the extreme inconvenience which
+would have attended a compliance with their reasonable and humane
+objections, when his eloquence was suddenly cut short by a <em>jet
+d&rsquo;eau</em> which a ragged urchin directed over him, by
+scientifically placing his foot over the spouting plug-hole. This
+clever manoeuvre in some way pacified the crowd, and after awaiting
+the re-appearance of the parish engineer, who had insisted on a
+personal inspection of the premises, they gave another shout of
+derision and departed.</p>
+<p>Thus commenced the festivities to celebrate the advent of the
+first tooth of the Heir of Applebite.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>GRAVESEND.</h3>
+<h4>(<em>From our own Correspondent</em>.)</h4>
+<p>This delightful watering-place is filled with beauty and
+fashion, there being lots of large curls and small bonnets in every
+portion of the town and neighbourhood.</p>
+<p>We understand it is in contemplation to convert the mud on the
+banks of the river into sand, in order that the idea of the
+sea-side may be realised as far as possible. Two donkey cart-loads
+have already been laid down by way of experiment, and the spot on
+which they were thrown was literally thronged with pedestrians. The
+only difficulty likely to arise is, that the tide washes the sand
+away, and leaves the mud just as usual.</p>
+<p>The return of the imports and exports shows an immense increase
+in the prosperity of this, if not salubrious sea-port, at least
+healthy watercourse. It seems that the importation of Margate
+slippers this year, as compared with that of the last, has been as
+two-and-three-quarters to one-and-a-half, or rather more than
+double, while the consumption of donkeys has been most gratifying,
+and proves beyond doubt that the pedestrians and equestrians are
+not so numerous by any means as the asinestrians. The first round
+of a new ladder for ascending the balconies of the bathing-rooms
+was laid on Wednesday, amidst an inconvenient concourse of
+visitors. With the exception of a rap on the toes received by those
+who pressed so much on the carpenter employed as to retard the
+progress of his work, all passed off quietly. After the ceremony,
+the man was regaled by the proprietor of the rooms with some beer,
+at the tap of the neighbouring hotel for families and
+gentlemen.</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page122" name="page122"></a>[pg
+122]</span>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/011-02.png"><img src=
+"images/011-02.png" alt="A crowd gathers around 'Punch Office'" id=
+"img011-02" name="img011-02" width="60%" /></a></div>
+<h2>PUNCH&rsquo;S ESSENCE OF GUFFAW.</h2>
+<h4>SCRUPULOUSLY PREPARED FROM THE RECIPE OF THE LATE</h4>
+<h2>MR. JOSEPH MILLER,</h2>
+<h4>AND PATRONISED BY</h4>
+<h2>THE ROYAL FAMILY,</h2>
+<h4>THE TWELVE JUDGES, THE LORD CHANCELLOR, THE SWELL MOB, MR.
+HOBLER, AND THE COURT OF ALDERMEN;</h4>
+<h5>ALSO BY THE</h5>
+<h4>COMMISSIONERS OF POLICE, THE SEXTON OF ST. MARYLEBONE, THE
+PHOENIX LIFE ASSURANCE COMPANY, THE KING OF THE SANDWICH
+ISLANDS,</h4>
+<h5>AND THE</h5>
+<h2>LONDON MISSIONARY SOCIETY.</h2>
+<p>This inestimable composition, which cures all disorders, and
+keeps in all climates, may be had of every respectable bookseller
+on the face of the globe. Price 3d.</p>
+<h2>TESTIMONIALS.</h2>
+<h4>TO MR. PUNCH.</h4>
+<p>SIR,&mdash;Having incautiously witnessed two consecutive
+performances of Mr. Macready in the &ldquo;Lady of Lyons,&rdquo;
+the comic portions of them threw me into a state of deep and
+chronic melancholy, which the various physicians employed were
+unable to cure. Hearing, however, of your excellent medicine, I
+took it regularly every Saturday for five weeks, and am now able to
+go about my daily employment, which being that of a low comedian,
+was materially interfered with by my late complaint.</p>
+<p class="cen">I remain, with gratitude, yours truly,</p>
+<p class="rgt">JOHN SAUNDERS.</p>
+<p><em>New Strand Theatre</em>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>SIR,&mdash;I was, till lately, private secretary to Lord John
+Russell. I had to copy his somniferous dispatches, to endure a
+rehearsal of his prosy speeches, to get up, at an immense labour to
+myself, incessant laughs at his jokes. At length, by the enormous
+exertions the last duty imposed upon me, I sunk into a hopeless
+state of cachinnatory impotence: my risible muscles refused to
+perform their office, and I lost mine. I was discharged.
+Fortunately, however, for me, I happened to meet with your
+infallible &ldquo;Pills to Purge Melancholy,&rdquo; and tried Nos.
+1 to 10 inclusive of them.</p>
+<p>With feelings overflowing with gratitude, I now inform you, that
+I have procured another situation with Sir James Graham; and to
+show you how completely my roaring powers have returned, I have
+only to state, that it was I who got up the screeching applause
+with which Sir James&rsquo;s recent jokes about the Wilde and Tame
+serjeants were greeted.</p>
+<p class="cen">I am, Sir, yours,</p>
+<p class="rgt">GEORGE STEPHEN,</p>
+<p>Late &ldquo;over&rdquo;-Secretary, and Author of the
+&ldquo;Canadian Rebellion.&rdquo;</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>SIR,&mdash;Being the proprietor of several weekly newspapers,
+which I have conducted for many years, my jocular powers gradually
+declined, from hard usage and incessant labour, till I was reduced
+to a state of despair; for my papers ceasing to sell, I experienced
+a complete stoppage of circulation.</p>
+<p>In this terrible state I had the happiness to meet with your
+&ldquo;Essence of Guffaw,&rdquo; and tried its effect upon my
+readers, by inserting several doses of your Attic salt in my
+&ldquo;New Weekly Messenger,&rdquo; &ldquo;Planet,&rdquo; &amp;c.
+&amp;c. The effects were wonderful. Their amount of sale increased
+at every joke, and has now completely recovered.</p>
+<p class="cen">I am, Sir,</p>
+<p class="rgt">JOHN BELL.</p>
+<p><em>Craven-street, Strand</em>.</p>
+<p><em>Note.</em>&mdash;This testimonial is gratifying, as the
+gentleman has hitherto failed to acknowledge the source of the
+wonderful cure we have effected in his property.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>SIR,&mdash;As the author of the facetious political essays in
+the &ldquo;Morning Herald,&rdquo; it is but due to you that I
+should candidly state the reason why my articles have, of late, so
+visibly improved.</p>
+<p>In truth, sir, I am wholly indebted to you. Feeling a gradual
+debility come over my faceti&aelig;, I tried several potions of the
+&ldquo;New Monthly&rdquo; and &ldquo;Bentley&rsquo;s
+Miscellany,&rdquo; without experiencing the smallest relief.
+&ldquo;PUNCH&rdquo; and his &ldquo;Essence of Guffaw&rdquo; were,
+however, most strongly recommended to me by my friend the editor of
+&ldquo;Cruikshank&rsquo;s Omnibus,&rdquo; who had wonderfully
+revived after taking repeated doses. I followed his example, and am
+now completely re-established in fine, jocular health.</p>
+<p class="cen">I am, Sir,</p>
+<p class="rgt">THE &ldquo;<em>OWN</em> CORRESPONDENT.&rdquo;</p>
+<p><em>Shoe-lane</em>.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>Inestimable SIR,&mdash;A thousand blessings light upon your
+head! You have snatched a too fond heart from a too early grave. My
+life-preserver, my PUNCH! receive the grateful benedictions of a
+resuscitated soul, of a saved Seraphina Simpkins!</p>
+<p>Samuel, dearest PUNCH, was false! He took Jemima to the
+Pavilion; I detected his perfidy, and determined to end my sorrows
+under the fourth arch of Waterloo-bridge.</p>
+<p>In my way to the fatal spot I passed&mdash;no, I could
+<em>not</em> pass&mdash;your office. By chance directed, or by fate
+constrained, I stopped to read a placard of your infallible
+specific. I bought one dose&mdash;it was enough. I have now
+forgotten Samuel, and am happy in the affection of another.</p>
+<p>Publish this, if you please; it may be of service to young
+persons who are crossed in love, and in want of straw-bonnets at
+3s. 6d. each, best Dunstable.</p>
+<p class="cen">I am, yours,</p>
+<p class="rgt">SERAPHINA SIMPKINS,</p>
+<p>Architect of Tuscan, straw, and other bonnets, Lant-street,
+Borough.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>CAUTION.&mdash;None are genuine unless duly stamped&mdash;with
+good humour, good taste, and good jokes. Observe: &ldquo;PUNCH, OR
+THE LONDON CHARIVARI, price Threepence,&rdquo; is on the cover.
+Several spurious imitations are abroad, at a reduced price, the
+effects of which are dreadful upon the system.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>W(H)AT TYLER.</h3>
+<p>The following pictorial joke has been sent to us by Count
+D&rsquo;Orsay, which he denominates</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/011-03.png"><img src=
+"images/011-03.png" alt=
+"An aristocratic black man is fitted for a hat." id="img011-03"
+name="img011-03" width="50%" /></a>
+<p>TILING A FLAT.</p>
+</div>
+<p>All our attempts to discover the wit of this <em>tableau
+d&rsquo;esprit</em> have been quite fu-<em>tile</em>. Perhaps our
+readers will be more successful.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>A MESMERIC ADVERTISEMENT.</h3>
+<p>Wanted, by Mons. Lafontaine, a few fine able-bodied young men,
+who can suffer the running of pins into their legs without
+flinching, and who can stare out an ignited lucifer without
+winking. A few respectable-looking men, to get up in the room and
+make speeches on the subject of the mesmeric science, will also be
+treated with. Quakers&rsquo; hats and coats are kept on the
+premises. Any little boy who has been accustomed at school to bear
+the cane without wincing will be liberally treated with.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>AN ALARMING STRIKE.</h3>
+<p>HORACE TWISS, on being told that the workmen employed at the New
+Houses of Parliament struck last week, to the number of 468,
+declared that he would follow their example unless Bob raised his
+wages.</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page123" name="page123"></a>[pg
+123]</span>
+<h2>SIR RHUBARB PILL, M.P. &amp; M.D.</h2>
+<p class="note">&ldquo;Now the Poor Law is the only remedy for all
+the distresses referred to contained in the whole of the
+Baronet&rsquo;s speech.&rdquo;&mdash;<em>Morning Chronicle</em>,
+Sept. 21.</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Oh! dear Doctor,</p>
+<p class="i4">Great bill</p>
+<p class="i4">And pill</p>
+<p class="i2">Concoctor,</p>
+<p>Most worthy follower in the steps</p>
+<p class="i2">Of Dr. Epps,</p>
+<p>And eke that cannie man</p>
+<p class="i2">Old Dr. Hanneman&mdash;</p>
+<p>Two individuals of consummate gumption,</p>
+<p class="i2">Who declare,</p>
+<p class="i2">That whensoe&rsquo;er</p>
+<p>The patient&rsquo;s labouring under a consumption,</p>
+<p>To save him from a trip across the Styx,</p>
+<p class="i2">To ancient Nick&rsquo;s</p>
+<p class="i2">In Charon&rsquo;s shallop,</p>
+<p>If the consumption be upon the canter,</p>
+<p>It should be put upon the gallop</p>
+<p class="i2">Instanter;</p>
+<p>For, &ldquo;<em>similia similibus curantur</em>,&rdquo;</p>
+<p class="i2">Great medicinal cod</p>
+<p class="i2">(Beating the mode</p>
+<p>Of old Hippocrates, whom M.D.&rsquo;s mostly follow,</p>
+<p class="i2">Quite hollow);</p>
+<p>Which would make</p>
+<p class="i2">A patient take</p>
+<p>No end of verjuice for the belly-ache;</p>
+<p>And find, beyond a question,</p>
+<p class="i2">A power of good in</p>
+<p class="i2">A lump of cold plum-pudding</p>
+<p>For a case of indigestion.</p>
+<p class="i2">And just as sage,</p>
+<p class="i2">In this wise age,</p>
+<p>&rsquo;Faith, Dr. Peel, is <em>your</em> law;</p>
+<p class="i2">Which, as a remedy</p>
+<p class="i2">For poverty,</p>
+<p>Would recommend the Poor Law.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>MATINEE MESMERIQUE</h3>
+<h4><em>Or, Proc&eacute;d&eacute; Humbugaresque.</em></h4>
+<p>There is at present in London a gentleman with an enormous
+beard, who professes the science of animal magnetism, and
+undertakes to deprive of sense those who come under his hand; but
+as those who flock to his exhibition have generally left all the
+sense they possess at home, he finds it difficult to accomplish his
+purposes. If it is animal magnetism to send another to sleep, what
+a series of <em>Soir&eacute;es Mesm&eacute;riques</em> must take
+place in the House of Commons during the sitting of Parliament!
+There is no doubt that Sir Robert Peel is the Lafontaine of
+political mesmerism&mdash;<em>the fountain</em> of
+quackery&mdash;and every pass he makes with his hand over poor John
+Bull serves to bring him into that state of stupefaction in which
+he may be most easily victimised. While Lafontaine thrusts pins
+into his patient, the Premier sends poor John into a swoon, for the
+purpose of, as it is vulgarly termed, <em>sticking it into
+him</em>; and as the French quack holds lucifers to the nostril,
+Peel plays the devil under the very nose of the paralysed sufferer.
+One resorts to <em>electrics</em>, the other to <em>election
+tricks</em>, but each has the same object in view&mdash;to bring
+the subject of the operation into a state of unconsciousness. If
+the Premier would give a <em>Matin&eacute;e Politique</em>, it
+would prove a formidable rival to the <em>Soir&eacute;e
+Mesm&eacute;rique</em> of the gentleman in the beard, who seems
+impressed with the now popular idea, that genius and a clean chin
+are wholly incompatible.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>(H)ALL IS LOST NOW!</h3>
+<p>&lsquo;Sir B. HALL is still Sir B. Hall. Where is the
+peerage&mdash;the &ldquo;B-all and end-all&rdquo; of his
+patriotism? Really the Whigs ought to have given the poor dog a
+bone, considering with what perseverance he has always been</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/011-04.png"><img src=
+"images/011-04.png" alt="A poodle begs for a bone." id="img011-04"
+name="img011-04" width="50%" /></a>
+<p>STANDING FOR MARROWBONE (MARYLEBONE).</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<p>When a person holds an argument with his neighbour on the
+opposite aide of the street, why is there no chance of their
+agreeing?&mdash;Because they argue from different
+<em>premises</em>.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>NOVEL SUBSCRIPTIONS.</h3>
+<p>Looking into an Australian paper the other day, we cast our eye
+over a list of subscriptions for the &ldquo;St. Patrick&rsquo;s
+Orphan School, Windsor;&rdquo; which, after enumerating several
+sums, varying from 10<em>l.</em> to <em>five</em> shillings, ended
+with the following singular contributions:&mdash;</p>
+<ul>
+<li>MR. BURKE&mdash;A supply of potatoes.</li>
+<li>A FRIEND&mdash;Five pounds of beef, and a coat.</li>
+<li>A FRIEND IN NEED&mdash;A shoulder of mutton.</li>
+<li>A POOR WOMAN&mdash;A large damper.</li>
+<li>AN EMIGRANT&mdash;Ten quarts of milk.</li>
+<li>AN EMIGRANT&mdash;A frying-pan.</li>
+</ul>
+<p>At first we were disposed to be amused with the heterogeneous
+nature of the contributions, but, on reflection, we felt disposed
+to applaud a plan which enabled every one to bestow a portion of
+any article of which he possesses a superabundance. If, for
+instance, a similar subscription were began here, we might expect
+to find the following contributions:&mdash;</p>
+<ul>
+<li>SIR ROBERT PEEL&mdash;A large stock of political
+consistency.</li>
+<li>LORD LONDONDERRY&mdash;An ounce of wit.</li>
+<li>LORD NORMANBY&mdash;A complete copy of &ldquo;Yes and
+No.&rdquo;</li>
+<li>COLONEL SIBTHORP&mdash;A calf&rsquo;s-head, garnished.</li>
+<li>THE BISHOP OF EXETER&mdash;His pastoral blessing.</li>
+<li>LORD MELBOURNE AND LORD JOHN RUSSELL&mdash;A pair of cast-off
+slippers.</li>
+<li>MR. WAKELY&mdash;A dish of Tory flummery.</li>
+<li>DAN O&rsquo;CONNELL&mdash;A prime lot of</li>
+</ul>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/011-05.png"><img src=
+"images/011-05.png" alt="A goat butts a man." id="img011-05" name=
+"img011-05" width="50%" /></a>
+<p>REAL IRISH BUTTER.</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>SONGS FOR THE SENTIMENTAL.&mdash;NO. 7.</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Fair Daphne has tresses as bright as the hue</p>
+<p class="i2">That illumines the west when a summer-day closes;</p>
+<p>Her eyes seem like violets laden with dew,</p>
+<p class="i2">Her lips will compare with the sweetest of roses.</p>
+<p>By Daphne&rsquo;s decree I am doom&rsquo;d to despair,</p>
+<p class="i2">Though ofttimes I&rsquo;ve pray&rsquo;d the fair maid
+to revoke it.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;No&mdash;Colin I love&rdquo;&mdash;(thus will Daphne
+declare)</p>
+<p class="i2">&ldquo;Put that in your pipe, if you will, sir, and
+smoke it.&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Once I thought that she loved me (O! fatal deceit),</p>
+<p class="i2">For she wore at the dance the gay wreath I had twined
+her;</p>
+<p>She smiled when I swore that I envied each sweet,</p>
+<p class="i2">And vow&rsquo;d that in love&rsquo;s rosy chains I
+would bind her.</p>
+<p>I press&rsquo;d her soft hand, and a blush dyed her cheek;</p>
+<p class="i2">&ldquo;Oh! there&rsquo;s love,&rdquo; I
+exclaim&rsquo;d, &ldquo;in that eye&rsquo;s liquid
+glancing.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>She spoke, and I think I can <em>still</em> hear her
+speak&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">&ldquo;You know about love what a pig knows of
+dancing!&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>JOE HUM(E)ANITY.</h3>
+<p>The &ldquo;late of&rdquo; Middlesex, during his visit to
+Switzerland, happened to be charged, at a cottage half-way up the
+Jura, three farthings for seven eggs. Astonished and disgusted at
+the demand, he vehemently declared that things were come to a
+pretty</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/011-06.png"><img src=
+"images/011-06.png" alt="A man stabs another with a rapier." id=
+"img011-06" name="img011-06" width="50%" /></a>
+<p>PASS IN THE MOUNTAINS</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>THE MINISTERIAL TOP.</h3>
+<p>We understand Sir James Graham has lately been labouring under
+severe and continued fits of vertigo, produced, as his medical
+attendants state, by his extraordinary propensity for <em>turning
+round</em>.</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page124" name="page124"></a>[pg
+124]</span>
+<h2>BERNARD CAVANAGH</h2>
+<h3>AND THE POOR LAW COMMISSIONERS.</h3>
+<p>It is not generally known that the above gentleman has been
+officially engaged by the eminent and philanthropic pauper-patrons,
+to put his principles into practice throughout the whole of the
+Unions in the United Kingdom.</p>
+<p>Knowing the extraordinary appetite of the vulgar for anything
+approaching the unintelligible and marvellous, we feel sorry to be
+obliged, by a brief detail of this gentleman&rsquo;s early life and
+habits, to divest the present phenomenon of much of its apparent
+wonder and romance.</p>
+<p>Mr. Cavanagh was in infancy rather remarkable for the many
+sleepless nights he occasioned his worthy parents by his juvenile
+intimations that fasting at that time was no part of his system. He
+progressed rapidly in his powers of consumption, and was indeed a
+child of</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/011-07.png"><img src=
+"images/011-07.png" alt="A portly matron in full regalia." id=
+"img011-07" name="img011-07" width="50%" /></a>
+<p>A FULL HABIT;</p>
+</div>
+<p>or, as his nurse expressed it, he was <em>alwaist</em> good for
+three rounds at breakfast, not at all to be sneezed at luncheon,
+anything but bad at dinner, hearty at tea (another three-rounder),
+and very consistent at supper.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Reverse of fortune changes friends&rdquo;&mdash;reverse
+of circumstances, alas! too often changes feeds!&mdash;pecuniary
+disappointments brought on a reduction of
+circumstances&mdash;reduction of circumstances occasioned a
+reduction of meals, and the necessity for such reduction being very
+apparent to a philosophic mind, engendered a reduction of craving
+for the same. Perhaps nothing could have proved more generally
+beneficial than the individual misfortunes of Mr. Bernard Cavanagh,
+which transferred him to one of those Elysiums of brick and mortar,
+the &ldquo;Poor Law Union.&rdquo; Here, as he himself expresses it,
+the fearful fallacies of his past system were made beautifully
+apparent; he felt as if existence could be maintained by the
+infinitesimal process, so benevolently advocated and regularly
+prepared, that one step more was all that was necessary to arrive
+at dietary perfectibility. That step he took, it being simply,
+instead of next to nothing, to live on nothing at all; and now,
+such was his opinion of the condiments supplied, he declares it to
+be by far the pleasantest of the two.</p>
+<p>It has been reported that Mr. Bernard Cavanagh&rsquo;s powers of
+abstinence have their latent origin in enthusiasm. This he
+confesses to be the case, his great admiration for fasting having
+arisen from the circumstance of his frequently seeing the process
+of manufacturing the pauper gruel, which sight filled him with most
+intense yearnings to hit upon some plan by which, as far as he was
+concerned, he might for ever avoid any participation in its
+consumption.</p>
+<p>That immense cigar, the mild Cavanagh! favours us with the
+following practical account of his system; by which he intends,
+through the means of enthusiasm, to render breakfasts a
+superfluity&mdash;luncheons, inutilities&mdash;dinners, dreadful
+extravagancies&mdash;teas, iniquitous wastes&mdash;and suppers,
+supper-erogatories.</p>
+<p>Mr. B.C. proposes the instant dismissal, without wages or
+warning, of all the cooks, and substitution of the like number of
+Ciceros; thereby affording a more ample mental diet, as the
+followers will be served out with orations instead of rations. For
+the proper excitement of the necessary enthusiasm, he submits the
+following Mental Bill of Fare:&mdash;</p>
+<h4>FOR STRONG STOMACHS AND WEAK INTELLECTS:&mdash;</h4>
+<ul>
+<li>Feargus O&rsquo;Connor, as per Crown and Anchor.</li>
+<li>Mr. Vincent.</li>
+<li>Mr. Roebuck, with ancestral sauce&mdash;very fine, if not
+pitched too strong.</li>
+<li>N.B.&mdash;In case of surfeit from the above, the editor of the
+<em>Times</em> may be resorted to as an antidote.</li>
+<li>Daniel O&rsquo;Connell&mdash;whose successful practice of the
+exciting and fasting, or rather, starving system, among the rent
+contributors in Ireland, not only proves the truth of the theory,
+but enables B.C. to recommend him as the safest dish in the
+<em>carte</em>.</li>
+</ul>
+<h4>FOR WEAK STOMACHS AND VERY SMALL IMAGINATIONS:&mdash;</h4>
+<ul>
+<li>D&rsquo;Israeli (Ben)&mdash;breakfast off the &ldquo;Wondrous
+Tale of Alroy.&rdquo;</li>
+<li>Bulwer&mdash;lunch on &ldquo;Siamese Twins.&rdquo;</li>
+<li>Stephens&mdash;dine off &ldquo;The Hungarian
+Daughter.&rdquo;</li>
+<li>Heraud&mdash;tea off &ldquo;The Deluge,&rdquo;&mdash;sup off
+the whole Minerva Library.</li>
+<li>N.B.&mdash;None of the above, will bear the slightest
+dilution.</li>
+</ul>
+<h4>FOR DELICATE DIGESTIONS, AND LIMITED UNDERSTANDINGS, PERUSALS
+OF</h4>
+<ul>
+<li>&ldquo;World of Fashion.&rdquo;</li>
+<li>Lord John Russell&rsquo;s &ldquo;Don Carlos.&rdquo;</li>
+<li>Montgomery&rsquo;s &ldquo;Satan&rdquo; (very good as a
+devil).</li>
+<li>&ldquo;Journal of Civilization.&rdquo;</li>
+<li>Any of F. Chorley&rsquo;s writings, Robins&rsquo;
+advertisements, or poetry relating to Warren&rsquo;s Jet
+Blacking.</li>
+</ul>
+<h4>FOR MENTAL BOLTERS</h4>
+<ul>
+<li>Ainsworth&rsquo;s &ldquo;Jack Sheppard.&rdquo;</li>
+<li>Harmer&rsquo;s &ldquo;Weekly Dispatch.&rdquo;</li>
+<li>&ldquo;Newgate Calendar.&rdquo;</li>
+<li>&ldquo;Terrific Register,&rdquo; &ldquo;Frankenstein,&rdquo;
+&amp;c. &amp;c. &amp;c.</li>
+</ul>
+<p>The above forms a brief abstract of Mr. B.C.&rsquo;s plan,
+furnished and approved by the Poor Law Commissioners. We are
+credibly informed that the same enlightened gentleman is at present
+making arrangements with Sir Robert Peel for the total repeal of
+the use of bread by all operatives, and thereby tranquillising the
+present state of excitement upon the corn-law question; proving
+bread, once erroneously considered the staff of life, to be nothing
+more than a mere ornamental opera cane.</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<h2>SYNCRETIC LITERATURE.</h2>
+<p class="note"><em>Concluding remarks on an Epic Poem of Giles
+Scroggins and Molly Brown.</em></p>
+<p>The circumstance which rendered Giles Scroggins peculiarly
+ineligible as a bridegroom eminently qualified him as a tenant for
+one of those receptacles in which defunct mortals progress to
+&ldquo;that bourne from whence no traveller returns.&rdquo; Fancy
+the bereaved Molly, or, as she is in grief, and grief is tragical,
+Mary Brown, denuded of her scarf and black gloves, turning faintly
+from the untouched cake and tasteless wine, and retiring to the
+virtuous couch, whereon, with aching heart, the poet asserts she,
+the said</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>&ldquo;Poor Molly, laid her down to weep;&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p>and then contemplate her the victim of somnolent consequences,
+when&mdash;</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>&ldquo;She cried herself quite fast asleep,&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p>Here an ordinary mind might have left the maiden and reverted
+&ldquo;to her streaming eyes,&rdquo; inflamed lids, dishevelled
+locks, and bursting sigh, as satisfactory evidences of the truth of
+her broken-heartedness, but the &ldquo;great anonymous&rdquo; of
+whom we treat, scorns the application of such external
+circumstances as agents whereby to depict the intenseness of the
+passion of the ten thousand condensed turtle-doves glowing in the
+bosom of <em>his</em> heroine. Sleep falls upon her eyes; but the
+&ldquo;life of death,&rdquo; the subtle essence of the shrouded
+soul, the watchful sentinel and viewless evidence of immortality,
+the wild and flitting air-wrought impalpabilities of her fitful
+dreams, still haunt her in her seeming hours of rest. Fancy her
+feelings&mdash;</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>&ldquo;When, standing fast by her bed-post,</p>
+<p>A figure tall her sight engross&rsquo;d,&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p>and it cried&mdash;</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;I be&rsquo;s Giles Scroggins&rsquo;
+ghost.&rsquo;&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p>Such is the frightful announcement commemorative of this
+visitation from the wandering spirit of the erratic Giles. Death
+has indeed parted them. Giles is cold, but still his love is warm!
+He loved and won her in life&mdash;he hints at a right of
+possession in death; and this very forgetfulness of what he
+<em>was</em>, and what he <em>is</em>, is the best essence of the
+overwhelming intensity of his passion. He continues (with a
+beautiful reliance on the faith and <em>living</em> constancy of
+Molly, in reciprocation, though dead, of his deathless attachment)
+to offer her a share, not of his bed and board, but of his shell
+and shroud. There is somewhat of the imperative in the invitation,
+which runs thus:&mdash;</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>&ldquo;The ghost it said so solemnly,</p>
+<p>&lsquo;Oh, Molly, you <em>must</em> go with me,</p>
+<p>All to the grave, your love to cool.&rsquo;&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p>We have no doubt this assumption of command on the part of the
+ghost&mdash;an assumption, be it remembered, never ventured upon by
+the living Giles&mdash;gave rise to some unpleasant reflections in
+the mind of the slumbering Molly. <em>Must</em> is certainly an
+awkward word. Tell any lady that she <em>must</em> do this, or
+<em>must</em> do that, and, however much her wishes may have
+previously prompted the proceeding, we feel perfectly satisfied,
+that on the very shortest notice she will find an absolute and
+undeniable reason why such a proceeding is diametrically opposed to
+the line of conduct she <em>will</em>, and therefore ought to,
+adopt.</p>
+<p>With an intuitive knowledge of human nature, the great poet
+purposely uses the above objectionable word. How could he do
+otherwise, or how more effectually, and less offensively, extricate
+Molly Brown from the unpleasant tenantry of the proposed
+under-ground floor? Command invariably begets opposition,
+opposition as certainly leads to argument. So proves our heroine,
+who, with a beautiful evasiveness, delivers the following
+expostulation:&mdash;</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>&ldquo;Says she, &lsquo;I am not dead, you
+fool!&rsquo;&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p>One would think <em>that</em> was a pretty decent clincher, by
+way of a reason <span class="pagenum"><a id="page125" name=
+"page125"></a>[pg 125]</span> for declining the proposed trip to
+Giles Scroggins&rsquo; little property at his own peculiar
+&ldquo;Gravesend;&rdquo; but as contradiction begets controversy,
+and the enlightened poet is fully aware of the effect of that
+cause, the undaunted sprite of the interred Giles instantly opposes
+this, to him, flimsy excuse, and upon the peculiar veracity of a
+wandering ghost, triumphantly exclaims, in the poet&rsquo;s
+words&mdash;words that, lest any mistake should arise as to the
+speaker by the peculiar construction of the sentence, are rendered
+<em>doubly</em> individual, for&mdash;</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>&ldquo;<em>Says</em> the <em>ghost</em>, says <em>he</em>, vy
+that&rsquo;s no rule!&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p>There&rsquo;s a staggerer! being alive no rule for <em>not</em>
+being buried! how <em>is</em> Molly Brown to get out of that
+high-pressure cleft-stick? how! that&rsquo;s the question! Why not
+in a state of somnolency, not during the &ldquo;death of each
+day&rsquo;s life; no, it is clear, to escape such a consummation
+she must be wide awake.&rdquo; The poet sees this, and with the
+energy of a master-mind, he brings the invisible chimera of her
+entranced imagination into effective operation. Argument with a man
+who denies first premises, and we submit the assertion that
+vitality is no exception to the treatment of the dead, amounts to
+that. We say, argument with such a man is worse than nothing; it
+would be fallacious as the Eolian experiment of whistling the most
+inspiriting jigs to an inanimate, and consequently unmusical,
+milestone, opposing a transatlantic thunder-storm with &ldquo;a
+more paper than powder&rdquo; &ldquo;penny cracker,&rdquo; or
+setting an owl to outstare the meridian sun.</p>
+<p>The poet knew and felt this, and therefore he ends the delusion
+and controversy by an overt act:&mdash;</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>&ldquo;The ghost then seized her all so grim,</p>
+<p>All for to go along with him;</p>
+<p>&lsquo;Come, come,&rsquo; said he, &lsquo;e&rsquo;er morning
+beam.&rsquo;&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p>To which she replies with the following determined
+announcement:&mdash;</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;I von&rsquo;t!&rsquo; said she, and scream&rsquo;d
+a scream,</p>
+<p>Then she voke, and found she&rsquo;d dream&rsquo;d a
+dream!&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p>These are the last words we have left to descant upon: they are
+such as should be the last; and, like <em>Joseph Surface</em>,
+&ldquo;moral to the end.&rdquo; The glowing passions the fervent
+hopes, the anticipated future, of the loving pair, all, all are
+frustrated! The great lesson of life imbues the elaborate
+production; the thinking reader, led by its sublimity to a train of
+deep reflection, sees at once the uncertainty of earthly projects,
+and sighing owns the wholesome, though still painful truth, that
+the brightest sun is ever the first cause of the darkest shadow;
+and from childhood upwards, the blissful visions of our gayest
+fancy&mdash;forced by the cry of stern reality&mdash;call back the
+mental wanderer from imaginary bliss, to be again the worldly
+drudge; and, thus awakened to his real state, confess, like our sad
+heroine, Molly Brown, he too, has <em>dreamt a dream</em>.</p>
+<p class="rgt">FUSBOS.</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<h2>FATHER O&rsquo;FLYNN AND HIS CONGREGATION.</h2>
+<p>Father Francis O&rsquo;Flynn, or, as he was generally called by
+his parishioners, &ldquo;Father Frank,&rdquo; was the choicest
+specimen you could desire of a jolly, quiet-going, ease-loving,
+Irish country priest of the old school. His parish lay near a small
+town in the eastern part of the county Cork, and for forty-five
+years he lived amongst his flock, performing all the duties of his
+office, and taking his dues (when he got them) with never-tiring
+good-humour. But age, that spares not priest nor layman, had stolen
+upon Father Frank, and he gradually relinquished to his younger
+curates the task of preaching, till at length his sermons dwindled
+down to two in the year&mdash;one at Christmas, and the other at
+Easter, at which times his clerical dues were about coming in. It
+was on one of these memorable occasions that I first chanced to
+hear Father Frank address his congregation. I have him now before
+my mind&rsquo;s eye, as he then appeared; a stout, middle-sized
+man, with ample shoulders, enveloped in a coat of superfine black,
+and substantial legs encased in long straight boots, reaching to
+the knee. His forehead, and the upper part of his head, were bald;
+but the use of hair-powder gave a fine effect to his massive, but
+good-humoured features, that glowed with the rich tint of a hale
+old age. A bunch of large gold seals, depending from a massive
+jack-chain of the same metal, oscillated with becoming dignity from
+the lower verge of his waistcoat, over the goodly prominence of his
+&ldquo;fair round belly.&rdquo; Glancing his half-closed, but
+piercing eye around his auditory, as if calculating the contents of
+every pocket present, he commenced his address as
+follows:&mdash;&ldquo;Well, my good people, I suppose ye know that
+to-morrow will be the <em>pattern</em><sup>1</sup><span class=
+"sidenote">1. <em>Pattern</em>&mdash;a corruption of
+<em>Patron</em>&mdash;means, in Ireland, the anniversary of the
+Saint to whom a holy well has been consecrated, on which day the
+peasantry make pilgrimages to the well.<br />
+2. Beads<br />
+3. Pretty girl</span> of Saint Fineen, and no doubt ye&rsquo;ll all
+be for going to the blessed well to say your
+<em>padhereens</em>;<sup>2</sup> but I&rsquo;ll go bail
+there&rsquo;s few of you ever heard the rason why the water of that
+well won&rsquo;t raise a lather, or wash anything clean, though you
+were to put all the soap in Cork into it. Well, pay attintiou, and
+I&rsquo;ll tell you.&mdash;Mrs. Delany, can&rsquo;t you keep your
+child quiet while I&rsquo;m spaking?&mdash;It happened a long while
+ago, that Saint Fineen, a holy and devout Christian, lived all
+alone, convaynient to the well; there he was to be found ever and
+always praying and reading his breviary upon a cowld stone that lay
+beside it. Onluckily enough, there lived also in the neighbourhood
+a <em>callieen dhas</em><sup>3</sup> called Morieen, and this
+Morieen had a fashion of coming down to the well every morning, at
+sunrise, to wash her legs and feet; and, by all accounts, you
+couldn&rsquo;t meet a whiter or shapelier pair from this to Bantry.
+Saint Fineen, however, was so disthracted in his heavenly
+meditations, poor man! that he never once looked at them; but kept
+his eyes fast on his holy books, while Morieen was rubbing and
+lathering away, till the legs used to look like two beautiful
+pieces of alabasther in the clear water. Matters went on this way
+for some time, Morieen coming regular to the well, till one fine
+morning, as she stepped into the water, without minding what she
+was about, she struck her foot against a a stone and cut it.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;Oh! Millia murdher! What&rsquo;ll I do?&rsquo;
+cried the <em>callieen</em>, in the pitifulles voice you ever
+heard.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;What&rsquo;s the matter?&rsquo; said Saint
+Fineen.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;I&rsquo;ve cut my foot agin this misfortinat
+stone,&rsquo; says she, making answer.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Then Saint Fineen lifted up his eyes from his blessed
+book, and he saw Morieen&rsquo;s legs and feet.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;Oh! Morieen!&rsquo; says he, after looking awhile
+at them, &lsquo;what white legs you have got!&rsquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;Have I?&rsquo; says she, laughing, &lsquo;and how
+do <em>you</em> know that?&rsquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Immediately the Saint remimbered himself, and being full
+of remorse and conthrition for his fault, he laid his commands upon
+the well, that its water should never wash anything white
+again.&mdash;and, as I mentioned before, all the soap in Ireland
+wouldn&rsquo;t raise a lather on it since. Now that&rsquo;s the
+thrue histhory of St. Fineen&rsquo;s blessed well; and I hope and
+thrust it will be a saysonable and premonitory lesson to all the
+young men that hears me, not to fall into the vaynial sin of
+admiring the white legs of the girls.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>As soon as his reverence paused, a buzz of admiration ran
+through the chapel, accompanied by that peculiar rapid noise made
+by the lower class of an Irish Roman Catholic congregation, when
+their feelings of awe, astonishment, or piety, are excited by the
+preacher.<sup>4</sup><span class="sidenote">4. This sound, which is
+produced by a quick motion of the tongue against the teeth and roof
+of the mouth, may be expressed thus; &ldquo;tth, tth, tth, tth,
+tth.&rdquo;</span></p>
+<p>Father Frank having taken breath, and wiped his forehead,
+resumed his address.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I&rsquo;m going to change my subject now, and I expect
+attintion. Shawn Barry! Where&rsquo;s Shawn Barry?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Here, your Rivirence,&rdquo; replies a voice from the
+depth of the crowd.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Come up here, Shawn, &rsquo;till I examine you about your
+Catechism and docthrines.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>A rough-headed fellow elbowed his way slowly through the
+congregation, and moulding his old hat into a thousand grotesque
+shapes, between his huge palms, presented himself before his
+pastor, with very much the air of a puzzled philosopher.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Well, Shawn, my boy, do you know what is the meaning of
+Faith?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Parfictly, your Rivirence,&rdquo; replied the fellow,
+with a knowing grin. &ldquo;Faith means when Paddy Hogan gives me
+credit for half-a-pint of the best.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Get out of my sight, you ondaycent vagabond; you&rsquo;re
+a disgrace to my flock. Here, you Tom M&rsquo;Gawley, what&rsquo;s
+Charity?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Bating a process-sarver, your Rivirence,&rdquo; replied
+Tom, promptly.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Oh! blessed saints! how I&rsquo;m persecuted with ye,
+root and branch. Jim Houlaghan, I&rsquo;m looking at you, there,
+behind Peggy Callanane&rsquo;s cloak; come up here, you hanging
+<em>bone slieveen</em><sup>5</sup><span class="sidenote">5. A sly
+rogue.</span> and tell me what is the Last Day?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I didn&rsquo;t come to that yet, sir,&rdquo; replied Jim,
+scratching his head.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I wouldn&rsquo;t fear you, you bosthoon. Well, listen,
+and I&rsquo;ll tell you. It&rsquo;s the day when you&rsquo;ll all
+have to settle your accounts, and I&rsquo;m thinking there&rsquo;ll
+be a heavy score against some of you, if you don&rsquo;t mind what
+I&rsquo;m saying to you. When that day comes, I&rsquo;ll walk up to
+Heaven and rap at the hall door. Then St. Pether, who will be
+takin&rsquo; a nap after dinner in his arm-chair, inside, and not
+liking ta be disturbed, will call out mighty surly,
+&lsquo;Who&rsquo;s there?&rsquo;&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;It&rsquo;s I, my Lord,&rsquo; I&rsquo;ll make
+answer.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Av course, he&rsquo;ll know my voice, and, jumping up
+like a cricket, he&rsquo;ll open the door as wide as the hinges
+will let it, and say quite politely&mdash;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;I&rsquo;m proud to see you here, Father Frank.
+Walk in, if you plase.&rsquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Upon that I&rsquo;ll scrape my feet, and walk in, and
+then St. Pether will say agin&mdash;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&lsquo;Well, Father Frank, what have you got to say for
+yourself? Did you look well afther your flock; and mind to have
+them all christened, and married, and buried, according to the
+rites of our holy church?&rsquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Now, good people, I&rsquo;ve been forty-five years
+amongst you, and didn&rsquo;t I christen every mother&rsquo;s soul
+of you?&rdquo;</p>
+<p><em>Congregation.</em>&mdash;You did,&mdash;you did,&mdash;your
+Rivirence.</p>
+<p><em>Father Frank.</em>&mdash;Well, and didn&rsquo;t I bury the
+most of you, too?</p>
+<p><em>Congregation.</em>&mdash;You did, your Rivirence.</p>
+<p><em>Father Frank.</em>&mdash;And didn&rsquo;t I do my best to
+get dacent matches for all your little girls? I And didn&rsquo;t I
+get good wives for all the well-behaved boys in my
+parish?&mdash;Why don&rsquo;t you spake up, Mick Donovan?</p>
+<p><em>Mick.</em>&mdash;You did, your Rivirence.</p>
+<p><em>Father Frank.</em>&mdash;Well, that&rsquo;s
+settled:&mdash;but then St. Pether will say&mdash;&ldquo;Father
+Frank,&rdquo; says he, &ldquo;you&rsquo;re a proper man; but how
+did your flock behave to you&mdash;did they pay you your dues
+regularly?&rdquo; Ah! good Christians, how shall I answer
+<em>that</em> question? Put it in my power to say something good of
+you: don&rsquo;t be ashamed to come up and pay your priest&rsquo;s
+dues. Come,&mdash;make a lane there, and let ye all come up with
+conthrite hearts and open hands. Tim Delaney!&mdash;make way for
+Tim:&mdash;how much will you give, Tim?</p>
+<p><em>Tim.</em>&mdash;I&rsquo;ll not be worse than another, your
+Riverence. I&rsquo;ll give a crown.</p>
+<p><em>Father Frank.</em>&mdash;Thank you, Timothy: the dacent drop
+is in you. Keep a lane, there!&mdash;any of ye that hasn&rsquo;t a
+crown, or half-a-crown, don&rsquo;t be bashful of coming up with
+your <em>hog</em> or your <em>testher</em>.<sup>6</sup><span class=
+"sidenote">6. A <em>shilling</em> or a
+<em>sixpence</em>.</span></p>
+<p>And thus Father Frank went on encouraging and wheedling his
+flock to pay up his dues, until he had gone through his entire
+congregation, when I left the chapel, highly amused at the
+characteristic scene I had witnessed.</p>
+<p class="rgt">X.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>A PRUDENT REASON.</h3>
+<p>Our gallant Sibthorp was lately invited by a friend to accompany
+him in a pleasure trip in his yacht to Cowes. &ldquo;No!&rdquo;
+exclaimed Sib.; &ldquo;you don&rsquo;t catch me venturing near
+<em>Cowes</em>.&rdquo; &ldquo;And why not?&rdquo; inquired his
+friend. &ldquo;Because I was never vaccinated,&rdquo; replied the
+hirsute hero.</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page126" name="page126"></a>[pg
+126]</span>
+<h2>DOCTOR PEEL TAKING TIME TO CONSULT.</h2>
+<p>Once upon a time&mdash;says an old Italian novelist&mdash;a
+horse fell, as in a fit, with his rider. The people, running from
+all sides, gathered about the steed, and many and opposite were the
+opinions of the sudden malady of the animal; as many the
+prescriptions tendered for his recovery. At length, a great hubbub
+arose among the mob; and a fellow, with the brass of a merryandrew,
+and the gravity of a quack-doctor, pressed through the throng, and
+approached the beast. Suddenly there was silence. It was plain to
+the vulgar that the solemn new-comer had brought with him some
+exquisite specific: it was evident, from the grave self-complacency
+of the stranger, that with a glance, he had detected the cause of
+sickness in the horse,&mdash;and that, in a few seconds, the
+prostrate animal, revivified by the cunning of the sage, would be
+up, and once more curvetting and caracoling. The master of the
+steed eyed the stranger with an affectionate anxiety; the mob were
+awed into breathless expectation. The wise man shook his head, put
+his cane to his nose, and proceeded to open his mouth. It was plain
+he was about to speak. Every ear throbbed and gaped to catch the
+golden syllables. At length the doctor did speak: for casting about
+him a look of the profoundest knowledge, and pointing to the steed,
+he said, in a deep, solemn whisper,&mdash;&ldquo;<em>Let the horse
+alone!</em>&rdquo; Saying this, the doctor vanished!</p>
+<p>The reader will immediately make the application. The horse
+<em>John Bull</em> is prostrate. It will be remembered that Colonel
+SIBTHORP (that dull mountebank) spoke learnedly upon
+glanders&mdash;that others declared the animal needed a lighter
+burthen and a greater allowance of corn,&mdash;but that the
+majority of the mob made way for a certain quacksalver PEEL, who
+being regularly called in and fee&rsquo;d for his advice, professed
+himself to be possessed of some miraculous elixir for the suffering
+quadruped. All eyes were upon the doctor&mdash;all ears open for
+him, when lo! on the 16th of September,&mdash;PEEL, speaking with
+the voice of an oracle, said&mdash;&ldquo;It is not my intention in
+the present session of Parliament to submit any measures for the
+consideration of the House!&rdquo; In other
+words&mdash;&ldquo;<em>Let the horse alone!</em>&rdquo;</p>
+<p>The praises of the Tory mob are loud and long at this wisdom of
+the doctor. He had loudly professed an intimate knowledge of the
+ailments of the horse&mdash;he had long predicted the fall of the
+poor beast,&mdash;and now, when the animal is down, and a remedy is
+looked for that shall once more set the creature on his legs, the
+veterinary politician says&mdash;&ldquo;<em>Let the horse
+alone!</em>&rdquo;</p>
+<p>The speech of Sir ROBERT PEEL was a pithy illustration of the
+good old Tory creed. He opens his oration with a benevolent and
+patriotic yearning for the comforts of Parliamentary warmth and
+ventilation. He moves for papers connected with &ldquo;the building
+of the two houses of Parliament, and with the adoption of measures
+for <em>warming and ventilating</em> those houses!&rdquo; The whole
+policy of the Tories has ever exemplified their love of nice warm
+places; though, certainly, they have not been very great sticklers
+for atmospheric purity. Indeed, like certain other labourers, who
+work by night, they have toiled in the foulest air,&mdash;have
+profited by the most noisome labour. When Lord JOHN RUSSELL
+introduced that imperfect mode of ventilation, the Reform Bill,
+into the house, had he provided for a full and pure supply of
+public opinion,&mdash;had he ventilated the Commons by a more
+extended franchise,&mdash;Sir ROBERT PEEL would not, as minister,
+have shown such magnanimous concern for the creature comforts of
+Members of Parliament&mdash;he might, indeed, have still displayed
+his undying love of a warm place; but he would not have enjoyed it
+on the bench of the Treasury. As for ventilation, why, the creature
+Toryism, like a frog, could live in the heart of a tree;&mdash;it
+being always provided that the tree should bear golden pippins.</p>
+<p>We can, however, imagine that this solicitude of Sir ROBERT for
+the ease and comfort of the legislative Magi may operate to his
+advantage in the minds of certain honest folk, touched by the
+humanity which sheds so sweet a light upon the opening oration of
+the new minister. &ldquo;If&rdquo;&mdash;they will doubtless
+think&mdash;&ldquo;the humane Baronet feels so acutely for the
+Lords Spiritual and Temporal,&mdash;if he has this regard for the
+convenience of only 658 knights and burgesses,&mdash;if, in his
+enlarged humanity, he can feel for so helpless a creature as the
+Earl of COVENTRY, so mild, so unassuming a prelate as the Bishop of
+EXETER&mdash;if he can sympathise with the wants of even a
+D&rsquo;ISRAELI, and tax his mighty intellect to make even SIBTHORP
+comfortable,&mdash;surely the same minister will have, aye, a
+morbid sense of the wants, the daily wretchedness of hundreds of
+thousands, who, with the fiend Corn Law grinning at their fireless
+hearths&mdash;pine and perish in weavers&rsquo; hovels, for the
+which there has as yet been <em>no</em> &lsquo;adoption of measures
+for the warming and ventilating.&rsquo;&rdquo;
+&ldquo;Surely&rdquo;&mdash;they will think&mdash;&ldquo;the man
+whose sympathy is active for a few of the &lsquo;meanest things
+that live&rsquo; will gush with sensibility towards a countless
+multitude, fluttering into rags and gaunt with famine. He will go
+back to first principles; he will, with a giant&rsquo;s arm, knock
+down all the conventionalities built by the selfishness of
+man&mdash;(and what a labourer is selfishness! there was no such
+hard worker at the Pyramids or the wall of China)&mdash;between him
+and his fellow! Hunger will be fed&mdash;nakedness will be
+clothed&mdash;and God&rsquo;s image, though stricken with age, and
+broken with disease, be acknowledged; not in the cut-and-dried
+Pharisaical phrase of trading Church-goers, as a thing vested with
+immortality&mdash;as a creature fashioned for everlasting
+solemnities&mdash;but <em>practically</em> treated as of the great
+family of man&mdash;a brother, invited with the noblest of the
+C&aelig;sars, to an immortal banquet!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Such may be the hopes of a few, innocent of the knowledge of the
+stony-heartedness of Toryism. For ourselves, we hope nothing from
+Sir ROBERT PEEL. His flourish on the warming and ventilation of the
+new Houses of Parliament, taken in connexion with his opinions on
+the Corn Laws, reminds us of the benevolence of certain people in
+the East, who, careless and ignorant of the claims of their
+fellow-men, yet take every pains to erect comfortable hospitals and
+temples for dogs and vermin. Old travellers speak of these places,
+and of men being hired that the sacred fleas might feed upon their
+blood. Now, when we consider the history of legislation&mdash;when
+we look upon many of the statutes emanating from
+Parliament&mdash;how often might we call the House of Commons the
+House of Fleas? To be sure, there is yet this great difference: the
+poor who give their blood there, unlike the wretches of the East,
+give it for nothing!</p>
+<p>Sir ROBERT&rsquo;S speech promises nothing whatever as to his
+future policy. He leaves everything open. He will not say that he
+will not go in precisely the line chalked out by the Whigs.
+&ldquo;Next session,&rdquo; says. Sir ROBERT, &ldquo;you shall see
+what you shall see.&rdquo; About next February, <em>Orson</em>, in
+the words of the oracle in the melo-drama, will be &ldquo;endowed
+with reason.&rdquo; Until then, we must accept a note-of-hand for
+Sir ROBERT, that he may pay the expenses of the government.</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>&ldquo;I have already expressed my opinion, that it is
+absolutely necessary to adopt some measures for equalising the
+revenue and expenditure, and we will avail ourselves of the
+earliest opportunity, after mature consideration of the
+circumstances of the country, to submit to a committee of the whole
+house measures for remedying the existing state of things.
+<em>Whether that can be best done by diminishing the expenditure of
+the country, or by increasing the revenue, or by a combination of
+those two means&mdash;the reduction of the expenditure and the
+increase of the revenue&mdash;I must postpone for future
+consideration.</em>&rdquo;</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>Why, Sir ROBERT was called in because he knew the disease of the
+patient. He had his remedy about him. The pills and the draught
+were in his pocket&mdash;yes, in his patriotic poke; but he refused
+to take the lid from the box&mdash;resolutely determined that the
+cork should not be drawn from the all-healing phial&mdash;until he
+was regularly called in; and, as the gypsies say, his hand crossed
+with a bit of money. Well, he now swears with such vigour to the
+excellence of his physic&mdash;he so talks for hours and hours upon
+the virtues of his drugs, that at length a special messenger is
+sent to him, and directions given that the Miraculous Doctor should
+be received at the state entrance of the patient&rsquo;s castle,
+with every mark of consideration. The Doctor is ensured his fee,
+and he sets to work. Thousands and thousands of hearts are beating
+whilst his eye scrutinizes John Bull&rsquo;s tongue&mdash;suspense
+weighs upon the bosom of millions as the Doctor feels his pulse.
+Well, these little ceremonies settled, the Doctor will, of course,
+pull out his phial, display his boluses, and take his leave with a
+promise of speedy health. By no means. &ldquo;I must go
+home,&rdquo; says the Doctor, &ldquo;and study your disease for a
+few months; cull simples by moonlight; and consult the whole
+Materia Medica; after that I&rsquo;ll write you a prescription. For
+the present, good morning.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;But, my dear Doctor,&rdquo; cries the patient, &ldquo;I
+dismissed my old physician, because you insisted that you knew my
+complaint and its, remedy already.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;That&rsquo;s very true,&rdquo; says Doctor PEEL,
+&ldquo;but <em>then</em> I wasn&rsquo;t called in.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>The learned Bald&aelig;us tells us, that &ldquo;Ceylon doctors
+give <em>jackall&rsquo;s flesh</em> for consumptions.&rdquo; Now,
+consumption is evidently John Bull&rsquo;s malady; hence, we would
+try the Ceylon prescription. The jackalls are the landowners; take
+a little of <em>their flesh</em>, Sir ROBERT, and for once, spare
+the bowels of the manufacturer.</p>
+<p class="rgt">Q.</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page127" name="page127"></a>[pg
+127]</span>
+<h2>PUNCH&rsquo;S PENCILLINGS.&mdash;No. XI.</h2>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/011-08.png"><img src=
+"images/011-08.png" alt=
+"Two men play cards, surrounded by items marked 'Property Tax' and 'Cheap Bread'."
+id="img011-08" name="img011-08" width="100%" /></a>
+<p>PLAYING THE KNAVE.</p>
+<p>DEDICATED TO THE MEMBERS OF ST. STEPHEN&rsquo;S.</p>
+</div>
+<!-- [pg 128] -->
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page129" name="page129"></a>[pg
+129]</span>
+<h2>BUNKS&rsquo;S DISCOVERIES IN THE THAMES.</h2>
+<p>A highly important and interesting survey of the coast between
+Arundel-stairs and Hungerford-market pier, is now being executed,
+under the superintendence of Bill Bunks, late commander of the
+coal-barge &ldquo;Jim Crow.&rdquo; The result of his labours
+hitherto have been of the most interesting nature to the natural
+historian, the antiquarian, and the navigator. In his first report
+to the magistrates of the Thames-police, he states that he has
+advanced in his survey to Waterloo-bridge stairs, which he
+describes as a good landing-place for wherries, funnies, and small
+craft, but inadequate as a harbour for vessels of great burthen.
+The shore from Arundel-street, as far as he has explored, consists
+chiefly of a tenacious, dark-coloured substance, very closely
+resembling thick mud, intermixed with loose shingles, pebbles, and
+coal-slates. The depth of water is uncertain, as it varies with the
+tide, which he ascertains rises and falls every six hours; the
+greatest depth of water being usually found at the time when the
+tide is full in, and <em>vice versa</em>. He has also made the
+valuable discovery, that a considerable portion of the shore is
+always left uncovered at low water, at which periods he availed
+himself of the opportunity afforded him of examining it more
+minutely, and of collecting a large number of curious specimens in
+natural history, and interesting antiquarian relics. As we have had
+the privilege of being permitted to view them in the private museum
+of the
+&ldquo;Stangate-and-Milbank-both-sides-of-the-water-united-for-the-advancement-
+of-Science-Association,&rdquo; we are enabled to lay before our
+readers the particulars of a few of these spoils, which the
+perseverance and intrepidity of our gallant countryman, Bill Bunks,
+has rescued from the hungry jaws of the rapacious deep;
+viz.:&mdash;</p>
+<ol>
+<li>
+<p>&ldquo;<em>A case of shells.</em>&rdquo; The greater number of
+the specimens are pronounced, by competent judges, to be shells of
+the native oyster; a fact worthy of note, as it proves the
+existence, in former ages, of an oyster-bed on this spot, and
+oysters being a sea-fish, it appears evident that either the sea
+has removed from London, or London has withdrawn itself from the
+sea. The point is open to discussion. We hope that the
+&ldquo;Hookham-cum-Snivey Institution&rdquo; will undertake the
+solution of it at one of their early meetings.</p>
+</li>
+<li>
+<p>&ldquo;<em>The neck of a black bottle, with a cork in
+it.</em>&rdquo; This is a very interesting object of art, and one
+which has given rise to considerable discussion amongst the
+<em>literati</em>. The cork, which is inserted in the fragment of
+the neck, is quite perfect; it has been impressed with a seal in
+reddish-coloured wax; a portion of it remains, with a partly
+obliterated inscription, in Roman characters, of which we have been
+enabled to give the accompanying fac-simile.</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/011-09.png"><img src=
+"images/011-09.png" alt=
+"A partially obliterated seal, marked 'BR / PAT / BR'." id=
+"img011-09" name="img011-09" width="30%" /></a></div>
+<p>With considerable difficulty we have deciphered the legend
+thus:&mdash;The first letter B has evidently been a mistake of the
+engraver, who meant it for a P, the similarity of the sounds of the
+two letters being very likely to lead him into such an error. With
+this slight alteration, we have only to add the letter O to the
+first line, and we shall have &ldquo;PRO.&rdquo; It requires little
+acuteness to discover that the second word, if complete, would be
+&ldquo;PATRIA;&rdquo; and the letters BR, the two lowest of the
+inscription, only want the addition of the letters IT to make
+&ldquo;BRIT.&rdquo; or &ldquo;BRITANNIARUM.&rdquo; The legend would
+then run, &ldquo;PRO PATRIA BRITANNIARUM,&rdquo; which there is
+good reason to suppose was the inscription on the cellar seal of
+Alfred the Great, though some presumptuous and common-minded
+persons have asserted that the legend, if perfect, would read,
+&ldquo;BRETT&rsquo;S PATENT BRANDY.&rdquo; Every antiquarian has,
+however, indignantly refused to admit such a degrading
+supposition.</p>
+</li>
+<li>
+<p>&ldquo;<em>A perfect brick, and two broken tiles.</em>&rdquo;
+The first of these articles is in a high state of preservation, and
+from the circumstance of portions of mortar being found adhering to
+it, it is supposed that it formed part of the old London Wall. We
+examined the fragments of the tiles carefully, but found no
+inscription or other data, by which to ascertain their probable
+antiquity: the tiles, in short, are buried in mystery.</p>
+</li>
+<li>
+<p>&ldquo;<em>A fossil flat-iron.</em>&rdquo; This antediluvian
+relic was found imbedded in a Sandy deposite opposite
+Surrey-street, near high-water mark.</p>
+</li>
+<li>
+<p>&ldquo;<em>An ancient leather buskin,</em>&rdquo; supposed to
+have belonged to one of the Saxon kings. This singular covering for
+the foot reaches no higher than the ancle, and is laced up the
+front with a leathern thong, like a modern highlow, to which it
+bears a very decided resemblance.</p>
+</li>
+<li>
+<p>&ldquo;<em>A skeleton of some unknown animal.</em>&rdquo;
+Antiquarians cannot agree to what genus this animal belonged;
+ignorant people imagine it to have been a cat.</p>
+</li>
+<li>
+<p>&ldquo;<em>A piece of broken porcelain.</em>&rdquo; This is an
+undoubted relic of Roman manufacture, and appears to have formed
+part of a plate. The blue &ldquo;willow pattern&rdquo; painted on
+it shows the antiquity of that popular design.</p>
+</li>
+</ol>
+<p>There are several other extremely rare and curious antiquities
+to be seen in this collection, which we have not space to notice at
+present, but shall take an early opportunity of returning to the
+valuable discoveries made by the indefatigable Mr. Bunks.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>A NEW CONJURING COMPANY.</h3>
+<p>A report of so extraordinary a nature has just reached us, that
+we hasten to be the first, as usual, to lay the outlines of it
+before our readers, with the same early authenticity that has
+characterised all our other communications. Mr. Yates is at present
+in Paris, arranging matters with Louis Philippe and his family, to
+appear at the Adelphi during the ensuing season!!</p>
+<p>It would appear that the mania for great people wishing to strut
+and fret their four hours and a quarter upon the stage is on the
+increase&mdash;at least according to our friends the constituent
+members of the daily press. Despite the newspaper-death of the
+manager of the Surrey, by which his enemies wished to
+&ldquo;<em>spargere voces in vulgum ambiguas</em>&rdquo; to his
+prejudice (which means, in plain English, to tell lies of him
+behind his back), we have seen the report contradicted, that Mrs.
+Norton was about to appear there in a new equestrian spectacle,
+with double platforms, triple studs of Tartar hordes, and the other
+amphitheatrical enticers. We ourselves can declare, that there is
+no foundation in the announcement, no more than in the <em>on
+dit</em> that the Countess of Blessington was engaged as a
+counter-attraction, for a limited number of nights, at the
+Victoria; or her lovely niece&mdash;a <em>power</em> in
+herself&mdash;had been prevailed upon to make her
+<em>d&eacute;but</em> at the Lyceum, in a new piece of a peculiar
+and unprecedented plot, which was prevented from coming off by some
+disagreement as to terms between the principal parties concerned.
+For true theatrical intelligence, our columns alone are to be
+relied upon; bright as a column of sparkling water, overpowering as
+a column of English cavalry, overlooking all London at once, as the
+column of the Monument, but <em>not</em> so heavy as the column of
+the Duke of York.</p>
+<p><em>Mais revenons &agrave; nos moutons</em>: which implies (we
+are again compelled to translate, and this time it is for the
+benefit of those who have not been to Boulogne), &ldquo;we spoke of
+Louis Philippe and his family.&rdquo; This sagacious monarch,
+foreseeing that the French were in want of some new excitement, and
+grieving to find that the <em>pompe fun&egrave;bre</em> of
+Napoleon, and the inauguration of his statue upon the monument of
+the victories that never took place, had not made the intense
+impression upon the minds of his vivacious subjects that he had
+intended it should produce, begins to think, that before long a
+fresh <em>&eacute;meute</em> will once more throw up the barricades
+and paving-stones in the Rue St. Honor&eacute; and Boulevard des
+Italiens. As such, with the prudent foresight which has hitherto
+directed all his proceedings, he is naturally looking forward to
+the best means of gaining an honest livelihood for himself and
+family, should a corrupted national guard, or an excited St.
+Antoine mob take it into their heads to dine in the Tuileries
+without being asked. Having read in the English newspapers, which
+he regularly peruses, of the astounding performances of the Wizard
+of the North at the Adelphi, more especially as regards the
+&ldquo;paralysing gun delusion,&rdquo; he commences to imagine that
+he is well qualified to undertake the same responsibility, more
+especially from the practice he has had in that line from pistols,
+rifles, fowling-pieces, and, above all, twenty-barrel infernal
+machines. He has therefore offered his services at the Adelphi, and
+Mr. Yates, with his accustomed energy, and avowed propensity for
+French translations, has agreed to bring him over. If we remember
+truly, the Wizard says in his programme, that the secret shall die
+with him. We beg to inform him, in all humility, that he deceives
+himself, for Louis Philippe and the Duke d&rsquo;Aumale know the
+trick as well as he does. They would ride through two lines of
+<em>sans culottes</em>, all armed to the teeth, without the least
+injury. They would catch the bullets in their teeth, and take them
+home as curiosities.</p>
+<p>Orleans, from his knowledge of the English language, will
+probably become the adapter of the pieces &ldquo;from the
+French&rdquo; about to be produced. The Duke de Nemours will be
+engaged to play the fops in the light comedies, a line which, it is
+anticipated, he will shine in; and the Prince de Joinville can
+dance a capital sailor&rsquo;s hornpipe, which he learnt on board
+the <em>Belle Poule</em>, a name which our own sailors, with an
+excusable disregard for genders, converted into &ldquo;The Jolly
+Cock.&rdquo; Of course, from his late experience, d&rsquo;Aumale
+will assist Louis Philippe, upon emergency, in the gun trick, and,
+with the other attractions, a profitable season is sure to
+result.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>AN EXTENSIVE SACRIFICE.</h3>
+<p>By Dr. Reid&rsquo;s new plan for ventilating the House of
+Commons, a porous hair carpet will be required for the floor; to
+provide materials for which Mr. Muntz has, in the most handsome
+manner, offered to shave off his beard and whiskers. This is true
+magnanimity&mdash;Muntz is a noble fellow! and the lasting
+gratitude of the House is due to him and his <em>hairs</em> for
+ever.</p>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page130" name="page130"></a>[pg
+130]</span>
+<h3>FASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE.</h3>
+<p>It is expected that Mr. Snooks and family will pass the winter
+at Battersea, as the warmth of the climate is strongly recommended
+for the restoration of the health of Mrs. Snooks, who is in a state
+of such alarming delicacy, as almost to threaten a realisation of
+the fears of her best friends and the hopes of the black-job master
+who usually serves the family.</p>
+<p>Mr. Snivins gave a large tea-party, last week, at Greenwich,
+where the boiling water was supplied by the people of the house,
+the essentials having been brought by the visitors.</p>
+<p>Mr. Popkins has left his attic in the New-Cut, for a
+<em>tour</em> on the Brixton tread-mill.</p>
+<p>K 32 left his official residence at the station-house, for his
+beat in Leicester-square, and repaired at once to a public-house in
+the neighbourhood, where he had an audience of several
+pickpockets.</p>
+<p>We are authorised to state, that there is no foundation whatever
+for the report that a certain well-known policeman is about to lead
+to the altar a certain unknown lady. The rumour originated in his
+having been seen leading her before the magistrate.</p>
+<p>Dick Wiggins transacted business yesterday in Cold Bath-fields,
+and picked the appointed quantity of oakum.</p>
+<p>Mr. Baron Nathan has left Margate for Kennington. We have not
+heard whether he was accompanied by the Baroness. The Honourable
+Miss Nathan, when we last heard of her, was dancing a hornpipe
+among a shilling&rsquo;s worth of new laid eggs, at Tivoli.</p>
+<p>A few minutes after Sir Robert Peel left Privy-Gardens, in a
+carriage and four, for Claremont, Sam Snoxell jumped up behind the
+Brighton stage, from which he descended, after having been whipped
+down, at Kennington.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>IMPORTANT INVENTION.</h3>
+<p>The celebrated <em>savant</em> Sir Peter Laurie, whose
+scientific labours to discover the cause of the variation of the
+weathercock on Bow Church, have astonished the Lord Mayor and the
+Board of Aldermen, has lately turned his attention to the subject
+of railroads. The result of his profound cogitations has been
+highly satisfactory. He has produced a plan for a railway on an
+entirely new principle, which will combine cheapness and security
+in an extraordinary degree. We have been favoured with a view of
+the inventor&rsquo;s plans, and we have no hesitation in saying
+that, if adopted, the most timid person may, with perfect safety,
+take</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/011-10.png"><img src=
+"images/011-10.png" alt="A person sits on a fence rail." id=
+"img011-10" name="img011-10" width="50%" /></a>
+<p>A RIDE ON THE RAIL.</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>THE BATTLE AND THE BREEZE.</h3>
+<p>Our readers are informed that, despite the belligerent character
+of the correspondence between the fierce Fitz-Roy and the
+&ldquo;Gentle&rdquo; Shepherd, although it came to a slight
+<em>blow</em>, there is nothing to warrant an anticipation of
+their</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/011-11.png"><img src=
+"images/011-11.png" alt=
+"A person scales a ladder to dump a basket in a cart." id=
+"img011-11" name="img011-11" width="50%" /></a>
+<p>GETTING UP THE BREEZE.</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>THE FASTING PHENOMENON.</h3>
+<p>The Tories have engaged Bernard Cavanagh, the Irish fasting
+phenomenon, to give lectures on his system of abstinence, which
+they think might be beneficially introduced amongst the
+working-classes of England. This is a truly Christian principle of
+government, for while the people <em>fast</em>, the ministers will
+not fail to <em>prey</em>.</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<h2>TORY BOONS.</h2>
+<h4><em>Air</em>.&mdash;&ldquo;NORA CREINA&rdquo;</h4>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>The Whigs they promised every day</p>
+<p class="i2">To cure the ills which did surround us;</p>
+<p>It should have been, &ldquo;no cure, no pay!&rdquo;</p>
+<p class="i2">For now we&rsquo;re worse than when they found
+us.</p>
+<p>The Tory clique at length are in,</p>
+<p class="i2">And vow that they will save the nation,</p>
+<p>So kindly give us, to begin&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Exchequer bills and ventilation.</p>
+<p class="i4">Oh! the artful Tories <em>dear</em>,</p>
+<p class="i6">Oh! the <em>dear</em>, the artful Tories</p>
+<p class="i4">They alone perceive, &rsquo;tis clear,</p>
+<p class="i6">That taxes tend to England&rsquo;s glories.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>The Whigs declared cheap bread was good;</p>
+<p class="i2">To satisfy the people&rsquo;s cravings</p>
+<p>They tried to take the tax off wood&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Lord knows what might be done with shavings!</p>
+<p>The Tories vow these schemes were wrong,</p>
+<p class="i2">And adverse to good legislation;</p>
+<p>Therefore, propose (so runs our song)&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Exchequer bills and ventilation.</p>
+<p class="i4">Oh! the artful Tories <em>dear</em>,</p>
+<p class="i6">Oh! the <em>dear</em> and artful Tories;</p>
+<p class="i4">They alone perceive, &rsquo;tis clear,</p>
+<p class="i6">Taxes tend to England&rsquo;s glories.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>The Whigs became the poor man&rsquo;s foe,</p>
+<p class="i2">Mix&rsquo;d ashes in his cup of sorrow;</p>
+<p>Nor thought the pauper&rsquo;s &ldquo;lot of woe,&rdquo;</p>
+<p class="i2">Perchance might be their own to-morrow.</p>
+<p>The Tories said they were his friend,</p>
+<p class="i2">That they abhorr&rsquo;d procrastination;</p>
+<p>So give&mdash;till next July shall end&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Exchequer bills and ventilation.</p>
+<p class="i4">Oh! the artful Tories <em>dear</em>,</p>
+<p class="i6">Oh! the <em>dear</em> and artful Tories;</p>
+<p class="i4">They alone perceive, &rsquo;tis clear,</p>
+<p class="i6">Taxes tend to England&rsquo;s glories.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>RECREATION FOR THE PUBLIC.</h3>
+<p>Sir Robert Peel seems impressed with the necessity of providing
+the citizens of London with additional parks, where they may
+recreate themselves, and breathe the free air of heaven. But,
+strange as it may seem, the people cannot live on fresh air,
+unaccompanied by some stomachic of a more substantial nature; yet
+they are forbidden to grumble at the diet, or, if they do, they are
+silenced according to the good old Tory plan of</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/011-12.png"><img src=
+"images/011-12.png" alt=
+"Canons fire on people carrying signs reading 'THE CHARTER'" id=
+"img011-12" name="img011-12" width="50%" /></a>
+<p>OPENING A PARK FOR THE PEOPLE.</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<p>Colonel Sibthorp thinks he recollects having been Hannibal
+once&mdash;long ago&mdash;although he cannot account for his having
+been beaten in the <em>Pun</em>-ic war.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>THE LIGHT OF ALL NATIONS.</h3>
+<p>The public are aware that this important national undertaking,
+which is now about to be commenced, is to be a prodigious cast-iron
+light-house on the Goodwin Sands. Peter Borthwick and our Sibby are
+already candidates for the office of universal illuminators. Peter
+rests his claims chiefly on the brilliancy of his ideas, as
+exemplified in his plan for lighting the metropolis with bottled
+moonshine; while Sib. proudly refers to our columns for
+imperishable evidences of the intensity of his wit, conscious that
+these alone would entitle him to be called &ldquo;the light of all
+nations.&rdquo; We trust that Sir Robert Peel will exercise a sound
+discretion in bestowing this important situation. Highly as we
+esteem Peter&rsquo;s dazzling talents&mdash;profoundly as we admire
+his bottled moonshine scheme&mdash;we feel there is no man in the
+world more worthy of being elevated to the lantern than our
+refulgent friend Sibthorp.</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page131" name="page131"></a>[pg
+131]</span>
+<h2>A SHORT TREATISE OF DRAMATIC CASUALTIES.</h2>
+<h3>VERY PROFITABLE TO READ.</h3>
+<p>Let our Treatise of Dramatic Casualties be that which treateth
+of the misfortunes contingent upon the profession of dramatic
+authors. Now, of unfortunate dramatic authors there be two grand
+kinds&mdash;namely, they that be unfortunate before the production
+of their works, and they that be unfortunate after the production
+of their works.</p>
+<p>And first, among them that be unfortunate before the production
+of their works may he enumerated&mdash;</p>
+<ol style="list-style-position: inside;">
+<li>&mdash;He that, having but one manuscript of his piece leaveth
+the same with the manager for inspection, and it falleth out that
+he seeth it no more, neither heareth thereof.</li>
+<li>&mdash;He that having translated a piece from the French, and
+bestowed thereon much time, findeth himself forestalled.</li>
+<li>&mdash;He that, having written a pantomime, carrieth it in his
+pocket, and straight there cometh a dishonest person, who, taking
+the same, selleth it for waste paper.</li>
+<li>&mdash;He that presenteth his piece to all the theatres in
+succession, and lo! it ever returneth, accompanied with a polite
+note expressive of disapprobation or the like.</li>
+<li>&mdash;He whose piece is approved by the manager, but,
+nevertheless, the same produceth it not, for divers reasons, which
+do vary at every interview.</li>
+<li>&mdash;He that communicateth the idea of a yet unwritten drama
+to a friend, who, being of a fair wit, and prompt withal, useth the
+same to his own ends and reapeth the harvest thereof.</li>
+</ol>
+<p>And secondly, of them that be unfortunate after the production
+of their works, there be some whose pieces are successful, and
+there be some whose pieces are not successful.</p>
+<p>And firstly, of unfortunate authors whose pieces are
+unsuccessful there be&mdash;</p>
+<ol style="list-style-position: inside;">
+<li>&mdash;Those who write a piece which faileth through its own
+demerits, which may be, as&mdash;
+<ol type="A">
+<li>&mdash;He that writeth a farce or comedy, and neglecteth to
+introduce jokes in the same.</li>
+<li>&mdash;He that writeth a farce or comedy, and introduceth bad
+jokes in the same.</li>
+<li>&mdash;He that writeth a farce or comedy, and introduceth old
+jokes in the same.</li>
+<li>&mdash;He that writeth a tragedy, and introduceth matter for
+merriment therein.</li>
+<li>&mdash;He that, in either tragedy, comedy, farce, or other
+entertainment, shocketh the propriety of the audience, or causeth a
+division in the same, by political allusions.</li>
+</ol>
+</li>
+<li>&mdash;He that writeth a piece which faileth, though not
+through its own demerits, which may be, as&mdash;
+<ol type="A">
+<li>&mdash;When the principal actor, not having the author&rsquo;s
+words by heart, and being of a suggestive wit and good assurance,
+substituteth others, which he deemeth sufficient.</li>
+<li>&mdash;When the principal actor, not having the author&rsquo;s
+words by heart, and being of a dull and heavy turn, and deaf
+withal, substituteth nothing, but standeth aghast, yearning for the
+voice of the prompter.</li>
+<li>&mdash;When the scene-shifter ingeniously introduceth a forest
+into a bed-chamber, or committeth the like incongruity, marvellous
+pleasant and mirthful to behold, but in no way conducive to
+success.</li>
+<li>&mdash;When pistols or other fire-arms do miss fire; when red
+fire igniteth not, or igniteth the scenes; when a trap-door
+refuseth to open, a rope to draw, and the like.</li>
+<li>&mdash;When the author intrusteth his principal part to a new
+actor, and it falleth out that the same doth grievously offend the
+audience, who straight insist that he do quit the stage, whereby
+the ruin of the piece is consummated.</li>
+<li>&mdash;Likewise there be misfortunes that arise from the
+audience; as, when at a momentous point of the plot there entereth
+one heated with liquor, and causeth a disturbance, or a woman with
+a huge bonnet becometh the subject of a discussion as to her right
+to wear the same, and impede the view of them that be behind; also
+when there cometh in a ruffian, or more, in a pea-coat, who having
+been charged by an enemy to work the ruin of the piece,
+endeavoureth to do the same, by dint of hisses or other unseemly
+noises, all of which be highly pernicious.</li>
+</ol>
+</li>
+</ol>
+<p>Secondly, of those unfortunate authors who have been successful,
+there be&mdash;</p>
+<ol style="list-style-position: inside;">
+<li>&mdash;He whose piece, albeit successful, is withdrawn to make
+room for the Christmas pantomine, Easter piece, or other
+entertainment equally cherished by the manager, who thereupon
+groundeth a plea of non-payment.</li>
+<li>&mdash;He who being a creditor of the manager, and the same
+being unable to meet his obligations, by an ingenious contrivance
+of the law becometh cleansed thereof, an operation which hath been
+conceitedly termed &ldquo;whitewashing.&rdquo;</li>
+<li>&mdash;He that writeth a piece with a friend, and the same
+claimeth the entire authorship thereof and emolument
+therefrom.</li>
+</ol>
+<p>And there be divers other calamities which we have neither space
+nor time to enumerate, but which be all incentives to abstain from
+dramatic writing.</p>
+<p class="rgt">PERDITUS.</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<h2>PUNCH&rsquo;S THEATRE.</h2>
+<h3>JACK KETCH; OR, A LEAF FROM TYBURN TREE.</h3>
+<p>Modern legislation is chiefly remarkable for its oppressive
+interference with the elegant amusements of the mob.
+Bartholomew-fair is abolished; bull-baiting, cock-pits, and
+duck-hunts are put down by act of Parliament; prize-fighting, by
+the New Police&mdash;even those morally healthful exhibitions,
+formerly afforded opposite the Debtors&rsquo; Door of Newgate, for
+the sake of <em>example</em>&mdash;that were attended by idlers in
+hundreds, and thieves in thousands&mdash;are fast growing into
+disuse. The &ldquo;masses&rdquo; see no pleasure now: even the
+hanging-matches are cut off.</p>
+<p>Deeply compassionating the effects of so illiberal an
+innovation, Mr. G. Almar the author to, and Mr. R. Honner the
+proprietor of, Sadler&rsquo;s Wells Theatre, have produced an
+exhibition which in a great degree makes up for the infrequent
+performances at the Old Bailey. Those whose moral sensibilities are
+refined to the choking point&mdash;who can relish stage
+strangulation in all its interesting varieties better than
+Shakspere, are now provided with a rich treat. They need not wait
+for the Recorder&rsquo;s black cap and a black Monday
+morning&mdash;the Sadler&rsquo;s Wells&rsquo; people hang every
+night with great success; for, unless one goes early, there
+is&mdash;as is the case wherever hanging takes place&mdash;no
+<em>standing room</em> to be had for love or money.</p>
+<p>The play is simply the history of Jack Ketch, a gentleman who
+flourished at the beginning of the last century, and who, by
+industry and perseverance, attained to the rank of public
+executioner; an office he performed with such skill and effect that
+his successors have, as the bills inform us, inherited &ldquo;his
+soubriquet&rdquo; with his office. He is introduced to the audience
+as a ropemaker&rsquo;s apprentice, living in the immediate
+neighbourhood of Execution-Dock, and loving <em>Barbara Allen</em>,
+&ldquo;a young spinster residing at the Cottage of Content, upon
+the borders of Epping Forest, supporting herself by the produce of
+her wheel and the cultivation of her flower-garden.&rdquo; He
+beguiles his time, while twisting the hemp, by spinning a tedious
+yarn about this well-to-do spinster; from which we infer
+<em>Barbara&rsquo;s</em> barbarity, and that he is crossed in love.
+The soliloquy is interrupted by an elderly man, who enters to
+remark that he has come out for a little relaxation after a hard
+morning&rsquo;s work: no wonder, for we soon learn that he is the
+<em>Jack Ketch</em> of his day, and has, but an hour before, tucked
+up two brace of pirates. With this pleasing information, and a
+sharp dialogue on his favourite subject with the hero, he
+retires.</p>
+<p>Here the interest begins; three or four foot-stamps are heard
+behind; <em>Jack</em> starts&mdash;&ldquo;Ah, that noise,&rdquo;
+&amp;c.&mdash;and on comes the author of the piece, &ldquo;his
+first appearance here these five years.&rdquo; He approaches the
+foot-lights&mdash;he turns up his eyes&mdash;he thumps his
+breast&mdash;and goes through this exercise three or four times,
+before the audience understand that they are to applaud. They do
+so; and the play goes on as if nothing had happened; for this is an
+episode expressive of a &ldquo;first appearance these five
+years.&rdquo; <em>Gipsy George</em> or Mr. G. Almar, whichever you
+please, having assured <em>Jack Ketch</em> that he is starving and
+in utter destitution, proceeds to give five shillings for a piece
+of rope, and walks away, after taking great pains to assure
+everybody that he is going to hang himself. Before, however, he has
+had time to make the first coil of a hempen collar, <em>Jack</em>
+looks off, and descries the stranger in the last agonies of
+strangulation, amidst the most deafening applause from the
+audience, whose disgust is indignantly expressed by silence when he
+exits to cut the man down. Their delight is only revived by the
+apparition of <em>Gipsy George</em>, pale and ghastly, <em>with the
+rope round his neck</em>, and the exclamation that he is
+&ldquo;done for.&rdquo; <em>Barabbas</em>, the hangman, who
+re-appears with the rest, is upbraided by <em>Jack</em> for coolly
+looking on and letting the man hang himself, without raising an
+alarm. Mr. B. answers, that &ldquo;it was no business of
+his.&rdquo; Like Sir Robert Peel and the rest of the profession, it
+was evidently his maxim not to interfere, unless &ldquo;regularly
+called in.&rdquo; The <em>Gipsy</em>, so far from dying, recovers
+sufficiently to make to <em>Jack</em> some important disclosures;
+but of that mysterious kind peculiar to melodrama, by which nobody
+is the wiser. They, however, bear reference to
+<em>Jack&rsquo;s</em> deceased father, a clasp-knife, a certain
+<em>Sir Gregory</em> of &ldquo;the gash,&rdquo; and the four
+gentlemen so recently suspended at Execution-Dock.</p>
+<p>The residence of Content and Barbara Allen is a scene, the
+minute correctness of which it would be wicked to doubt, when the
+bills so solemnly guarantee that it is copied from the &ldquo;best
+authorities.&rdquo; <em>Barbara</em> opens the door, makes a
+curtsey, produces a purse, and after saying she is going to pay her
+rent, is, by an ingenious contrivance of the Sadler&rsquo;s
+Wells&rsquo; Shakspere, confronted with her landlord, the <em>Sir
+Gregory</em> before-mentioned. All stage-landlords are villains,
+who prefer seduction to rent, and he of the &ldquo;gash&rdquo; is
+no exception. The struggle, rescue, and duel, which follow, are got
+through in no time. The last would certainly have been fatal, had
+not the assailant&rsquo;s servant come on to announce that &ldquo;a
+gentleman wished to speak to him at his own residence.&rdquo; The
+lover (who is of course the rescuer) deems this a sufficient excuse
+to let off his antagonist without a scratch; <em>Barbara</em>
+rewards him with an embrace and a rose, just as another rival
+intrudes himself in the person of <em>Mr. John Ketch</em>. The
+altercation which now ensues is but slight; for <em>Jack</em>,
+instead of fighting, goes off to Fairlop-fair with another young
+lady, who seems to come upon the stage for no other purpose than to
+oblige him. At the fair we find <em>Jack&rsquo;s</em> spirits
+considerably damped by the prediction of a gipsy, that he will
+marry a hangman&rsquo;s daughter; but, after the jumping in sacks,
+which forms a part of the sports, he rescues <em>Barbara</em> from
+being once more assailed by her landlord. Thereupon another
+component of the festive scene&mdash;our friend the
+hangman&mdash;declares that she is his daughter!
+&ldquo;Horror&rdquo; tableau, and end of Act I.</p>
+<p>After establishing a lapse of four years between the acts, the
+author takes <span class="pagenum"><a id="page132" name=
+"page132"></a>[pg 132]</span>high ground;&mdash;we are presented
+with the summit of Primrose-hill, St. Paul&rsquo;s in the distance,
+and a gentleman with black clothes, and literary habits, reading in
+the foreground. This turns out to be &ldquo;The Laird
+Lawson,&rdquo; <em>Barbara&rsquo;s</em> favoured lover and
+benevolent duellist. Though on the top of Cockney Mount, he is
+suffering under a deep depression of spirits; for he has never seen
+<em>Miss Allen</em> during four years, come next Fairlop-fair.
+Having heard this, the audience is, of course, quite prepared for
+that lady&rsquo;s appearance; and, sure enough, on she comes,
+accounting for her presence with great adroitness:&mdash;having
+left the city to go to Holloway, she is taking a short cut over
+Primrose-hill. The lovers go through the mode of recognition never
+departed from at minor theatres, with the most frantic energy, and
+have nearly hugged themselves out of breath, when the executioner
+papa interrupts the blissful scene, without so much as saying how
+he got there; but &ldquo;finishers&rdquo; are mysterious beings.
+<em>Barabbas</em> denounces the laird; and when his consent is
+asked for the hand of <em>Miss Barbara</em>, tells the lover
+&ldquo;he will see him hanged first!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>The moon, a dark stage, and <em>Jack Ketch</em> in the character
+of a foot-pad, now add to the romance of the drama. Not to leave
+anything unexplained, the hero declares, that he has cut the walk
+of life he formerly trod in the rope ditto, and has been induced to
+take to the road solely by Fate, brandy and (not salt, but)
+<em>Barbara!</em> By some extraordinary accident, every character
+in the piece, with two exceptions, have occasion to tread this
+scene&mdash;&ldquo;Holloway and heath near the village of
+Holloway&rdquo; (painted from the best authorities), just exactly
+in time to be robbed by <em>Ketch</em>; who shows himself a perfect
+master of his business, and a credit to his instructor; for
+<em>Gipsy George</em> rewards <em>Jack</em> for saving him from
+hanging, by showing his friend the shortest way to the gallows.</p>
+<p>In the following scene, the plot breaks out in a fresh place.
+The man with the &ldquo;gash,&rdquo; and <em>Gipsy George</em> are
+together, going over some youthful reminiscences. It seems that
+once upon a time there were six pirates; four were those pendents
+from the gibbet at Execution-Dock one hears so much about at the
+commencement; the fifth is the speaker, <em>Gipsy George</em>; and
+&ldquo;you,&rdquo; exclaims that person, striking an attitude, and
+addressing <em>Sir Gregory</em>, &ldquo;make up the
+half-dozen!&rdquo; They all formerly did business in a ship called
+the &ldquo;Morning Star,&rdquo; and whenever the ex-pirate number
+five is in pecuniary distress, he bawls out into the ear of
+<em>ci-devant</em> pirate number six, the words &ldquo;Morning
+Star!&rdquo; and a purse of hush-money is forked out in a trice. In
+this manner <em>Gipsy George</em> accumulates, by the end of the
+piece, a large property; for six or eight purses, all ready filled
+for each occasion, thus pass into his pockets.</p>
+<p>The &ldquo;best authorities&rdquo; furnish us, next, with an
+interior; that of &ldquo;the Mug, a chocolate house and
+tavern,&rdquo; where a new plot is hatched against the crown and
+dignity of the late respected George the First, by a party of
+Jacobites. These consist of a half-dozen of Hanoverian Whigs, who
+enter, duly decorated with an equal number of hats of every variety
+of cock and cockade. The heroine seems to have engaged herself here
+as waitress, on purpose to meet her persecutor, <em>Sir
+Gregory</em>, and her late lover, <em>Jack Ketch</em>. What comes
+of this rencontre it is impossible to make out, for a general
+<em>m&eacute;l&eacute;e</em> ensues, caused by a discovery of the
+plot; which is by no means a gunpowder plot; for although a file of
+soldiers present their arms for several minutes full at the
+conspirators, not a single musket goes off. Perhaps gunpowder was
+expensive in the reign of George the First. <em>Jack Ketch</em>
+ends the act with a dream&mdash;an <em>apropos finale</em>, for we
+caught several of our neighbours napping. The scene in which this
+vision takes place is the crowning result of the painter&rsquo;s
+researches amongst the &ldquo;best authorities;&rdquo; it being no
+less than &ldquo;a garret in Grub-street, <em>in which the great
+Daniel De Foe composed his romance of Robinson
+Crusoe!!</em>&rdquo;</p>
+<p>A fishing-party&mdash;whose dulness is relieved by a
+suicide&mdash;opens the last act: one of the anglers having
+finished a comic song&mdash;which from its extreme gravity forms an
+appropriate dirge to the forthcoming felo-de-se&mdash;goes off with
+his companion to leave the water clear for <em>Barbara Allen</em>,
+who enters, takes an affecting leave of her laird lover, and
+straightway drowns herself. <em>Jack Ketch</em> is now, by a rapid
+change of scene, discovered in limbo, and condemned to death; why,
+we were too stupid to make out. The fatal cart&mdash;very likely
+modelled after &ldquo;the best authorities&rdquo;&mdash;next
+occupies the stage, drawn by a real horse, and filled with <em>Sir
+Gregory Gash</em> (who it seems is going to be hanged) and <em>Jack
+Ketch</em> not as a prisoner, but as an officer of the crown; for
+we are to suppose that <em>Mr. Barabbas</em>, having retired from
+the public scaffold to private life, has seceded in favour of
+<em>Jack Ketch</em>, who is saved from the rope himself, on
+condition of his using it upon the person of <em>Sir Gregory</em>
+and every succeeding criminal. All the characters come on with the
+cart, and a <em>d&eacute;nouement</em> evidently impends. The
+distracted lover demands of somebody to restore his mistress, which
+<em>Gipsy George</em> is really so polite as to do; for although
+the bills expressly inform us she has committed
+&ldquo;suicide,&rdquo; and we have actually seen her jump into the
+river Lea; yet there she is safe and sound!&mdash;carefully
+preserved in an envelope formed partly by the <em>Gipsy</em>
+himself, and partly by his cloak. She, of course, embraces her
+lover, and leaves <em>Jack Ketch</em> to embrace his profession
+with what appetite he may; all, in fact, ends happily, and <em>Sir
+Gregory</em> goes off to be hanged.</p>
+<p>This, then, is the state to which the founders of the Newgate
+school of dramatic literature, and the march of intellect, have
+brought us. Nothing short of actual hanging&mdash;the most
+revolting and repulsive of all possible subjects to enter, much
+less to dwell in any mind not actually savage&mdash;must now be
+provided to meet the refined taste of play-goers. In the present
+instance, nothing but the actual <em>spiciness</em> of the subject
+saved the piece from the last sentence of even Sadler&rsquo;s
+Wells&rsquo; critical law; for in construction and detail, it is
+the veriest mass of incoherent rubbish that was ever shot upon the
+plains of common sense. The sketch we have made is in no one
+instance exaggerated. Our readers may therefore easily judge
+whether we speak truly or not.</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<h2>PUNCH AT THE NEW STRAND.</h2>
+<p>When Napoleon first appeared before the grand army after his
+return from Elba&mdash;when Queen Victoria made her
+<em>d&eacute;b&ucirc;t</em> at the assemblage of her first
+parliament&mdash;when Kean performed &ldquo;Othello&rdquo; at Drury
+Lane immediately after he had caused a certain friend of his to
+play the same part in the Court of King&rsquo;s Bench&mdash;the
+public mind was terribly agitated, and the public&rsquo;s legs
+instinctively carried them, on each occasion, to behold those great
+performers. When&mdash;to give these circumstances their highest
+application,&mdash;&ldquo;Punch,&rdquo; on Thursday last, came out
+in the regular drama, the excitement was no less intense. Boxes
+were besieged; the pit was choked up, and the gallery creaked with
+its celestial encumbrance.</p>
+<p>As the curtain drew up, there would have been a death-like
+silence but for the unparalleled sales that were taking place in
+apples, oranges, and ginger-beer. Expectation was on tip-toe, as
+were the persons occupying that department of the theatre called
+&ldquo;standing-room.&rdquo; The looked-for moment came; the
+&ldquo;drop&rdquo; ascended, and the spectators beheld <em>Mr.
+Dionysius Swivel</em>, a pint of ale, and Punch&rsquo;s
+theatre!</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Tragedy,&rdquo; saith the Aristotelian recipe for cooking
+up a serious drama, &ldquo;should have the probable, the
+marvellous, and the pathetic.&rdquo; In the <em>tableau</em> thus
+presented, the audience beheld the three conditions strictly
+complied with all at once. &ldquo;It was highly probable,&rdquo; as
+<em>Mr. Swivel</em> observed to the source of pipes, &rsquo;bacca,
+and malt&mdash;in other words, to the landlady he was
+addressing&mdash;that his master, the showman, was unable to pay
+the score he had run up; it was marvellous that the proprietor of
+so popular a puppet as &ldquo;Punch&rdquo; should not have even the
+price of a pint of ale in his treasury; lastly, that circumstance
+was deeply pathetic; for what so heart-rending as the exhibition of
+fallen greatness, of broken-down prosperity, of affluence regularly
+stumped and hard-up! The fact is, that &ldquo;Punch,&rdquo; his
+theatre, and <em>corps dramatique</em>, are in pawn for
+eight-and-ninepence!</p>
+<p>In the midst of this distress there appears a young gentleman,
+giving vent to passionate exclamations, while furiously buttoning
+up a tight surtout. The object of his love is the daughter of the
+object of his hate. <em>Mr. Snozzle</em>, having previously made
+his bow, overhears him, and being the acting manager of
+&ldquo;Punch,&rdquo; and having a variety of plots for rescuing
+injured lovers from inextricable difficulties on hand, offers one
+of them to the lover, considerably over cost price; namely, for the
+puppet-detaining eight-and-ninepence, and a glass of
+brandy-and-water. The bargain being struck, the scene changes.</p>
+<p>To the happiness of being the possessor of &ldquo;Punch,&rdquo;
+<em>Mr. Snozzle</em> adds that of having a wonderful wife&mdash;a
+lady of universal talents; who dances in spangled shoes, plays on
+the tamburine, and sings Whitechapel French like a native. This
+inestimable creature has already gone round the town on a singing,
+dancing, and cash-collecting expedition; accompanied by the drum,
+mouth-organ, and <em>Swivel</em>. We now find her enchanting the
+flinty-hearted father, <em>Old Fellum</em>. Having been
+instrumental, by means of her vocal abilities, in drawing from him
+a declaration of amorous attachment and half-a-crown, she retires,
+to bury herself in the arms of her husband, and to eradicate the
+score, recorded in chalk, at <em>Mrs. Rummer&rsquo;s</em>
+hotel.</p>
+<p>In the meantime <em>Snozzle</em>, having sold a plot, proceeds
+to fulfil the bargain by executing it. He enters with PUNCH&rsquo;S
+theatre, to treat <em>Old Fellum</em> with a second exhibition, and
+his daughter with an elopement; for in the midst of the performance
+the young lady detects the big drum in the act of &ldquo;winking at
+her;&rdquo; and she soon discovers that PUNCH&rsquo;S orchestra is
+no other than her own lover. <em>Fellum</em> is delighted with the
+show, to which he is attentive enough to allow of the lovers&rsquo;
+escaping. He pursues them when it is too late, and having been so
+precipitate in his exit as to remember to forget to pay for his
+amusement, <em>Swivel</em> steals a handsome cage, parrot
+included.</p>
+<p>Good gracious! what a scene of confusion and confabulation next
+takes place! <em>Fellum&rsquo;s</em> first stage in pursuit is the
+public-house; there he unwittingly persuades <em>Mrs. Snozzle</em>
+that her spouse is unfaithful&mdash;that <em>he</em> it was who
+&ldquo;stole away the old man&rsquo;s daughter.&rdquo; <em>Mrs.
+Snozzle</em> raves, and threatens a divorce; <em>Snozzle</em>
+himself trembles&mdash;he suspects the police are after him for
+being the receiver of stolen goods, instead of the deceiver of
+unsuspecting virtue. <em>Swivel</em> dreads being taken up for
+prigging the parrot; and a frightful catastrophe is only averted by
+the entrance of the truant lovers, who have performed the comedy of
+&ldquo;Matrimony&rdquo; in a much shorter time than is allowed by
+the act of Parliament.</p>
+<p>Mrs. Keeley played the tamburine, and the part of <em>Snozzle
+femme</em>. This was more than acting; it was nature enriched with
+humour&mdash;character broadly painted without a tinge of
+caricature. The solemnity of her countenance, while performing with
+her feet, was a correct copy from the expression of
+self-approbation&mdash;of the
+wonder-how-I-do-it-so-well&mdash;always observable during the
+dances of the <em>fair</em> sex; her tones when singing were
+unerringly brought from the street; her spangled dress was
+assuredly borrowed from Scowton&rsquo;s caravan. As a work of
+dramatic art, this performance is, of its kind, most complete.
+Keeley&rsquo;s <em>Snozzle</em> was quiet, rich, and philosophical;
+and Saunders made a Judy of himself with unparalleled success.
+<em>Frank Finch</em> got his deserts in the hands of a Mr. Everett;
+for being a lover, no matter how awkward and ungainly an actor is
+made to represent him.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>&ldquo;OH! DAY AND NIGHT, BUT THIS IS WONDROUS
+STRANGE!&rdquo;</h3>
+<p class="note">&ldquo;We believe, from the first, <em>Day</em> was
+intended to mount, and wherefore it was made a mystery we know
+not.&mdash;DOINGS AT DONCASTER.&rdquo;&mdash;[Sunday Times.]</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Poor Coronation well may say,</p>
+<p class="i2">&ldquo;A mystery I mark;</p>
+<p>Though jockey&rsquo;d by the <em>lightest Day</em></p>
+<p class="i2">They tried to keep me dark.&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="full" />
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+1, September 25, 1841, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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+</pre>
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+</body>
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1,
+September 25, 1841, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, September 25, 1841
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14929]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 1.
+
+
+
+FOR THE WEEK ENDING SEPTEMBER 25, 1841.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE HEIR OF APPLEBITE.
+
+CHAPTER V.
+
+SHOWS THAT "THERE'S MANY A SLIP" BETWEEN OTHER THINGS BESIDE "THE CUP AND
+THE LIP."
+
+[Illustration: T]The heir of Applebite continued to squall and thrive, to
+the infinite delight of his youthful mamma, who was determined that the
+joyful occasion of his cutting his first tooth should be duly celebrated
+by an evening party of great splendour; and accordingly cards were issued
+to the following effect:--
+
+          MR. AND MRS. APPLEBITE
+          REQUEST THE HONOUR OF
+              ----  ----'s
+        COMPANY TO AN EVENING PARTY,
+        On Thursday, the 12th inst.
+    _Quadrilles_.     _An Answer will oblige_.
+
+It was the first home-made party that Collumpsion had ever given; for
+though during his bachelorhood he had been no niggard of his hospitality,
+yet the confectioner had supplied the edibles, and the upholsterer
+arranged the decorations; but now Mrs. Applebite, with a laudable spirit
+of economy, converted No. 24, Pleasant-terrace, into a perfect _cuisine_
+for a week preceding the eventful evening; and old John was kept in a
+constant state of excitement by Mrs. Waddledot, who superintended the
+ornamental department of these elaborate preparations.
+
+Agamemnon felt that he was a cipher in the house, for no one condescended
+to notice him for three whole days, and it was with extreme difficulty
+that he could procure the means of "recruiting exhausted nature" at those
+particular hours which had hitherto been devoted to the necessary
+operation.
+
+On the morning of the 12th, Agamemnon was anxiously engaged in
+endeavouring to acquire a knowledge of the last alterations in the figure
+of _La Pastorale_, when he fancied he heard an unusual commotion in the
+lower apartments of his establishment. In a few moments his name was
+vociferously pronounced by Mrs. Applebite, and the affrighted Collumpsion
+rushed down stairs, expecting to find himself another Thyestes, whose
+children, it is recorded, were made into a pie for his own consumption.
+
+On entering the kitchen he perceived the cause of the uproar, although he
+could see nothing else, for the dense suffocating vapour with which the
+room was filled.
+
+"Oh dear!" said Mrs. Applebite, "the chimney's on fire; one pound of fresh
+butter--"
+
+"And two pound o'lard's done it!" exclaimed Susan.
+
+"What's to be done?" inquired Collumpsion.
+
+"Send for my brother, sir," said Betty.
+
+"Where does he live?" cried old John.
+
+"On No. 746," replied Betty.
+
+"Where's that?" cried the whole assembled party.
+
+"I don't know, but it's a hackney-coach as he drives," said Betty.
+
+A general chorus of "Pshaw!" greeted this very unsatisfactory rejoinder.
+Another rush of smoke into the kitchen rendered some more active measures
+necessary, and, after a short discussion, it was decided that John and
+Betty should proceed to the roof of the house with two pailsful of water,
+whilst Agamemnon remained below to watch the effects of the measure. When
+John and Betty arrived at the chimney-pots, the pother was so confusing,
+that they were undecided which was the rebellious flue! but, in order to
+render assurance doubly sure, they each selected the one they conceived to
+be the delinquent, and discharged the contents of their buckets
+accordingly, without any apparent diminution of the intestine war which
+was raging in the chimney. A fresh supply from a cistern on the roof,
+similarly applied, produced no better effects, and Agamemnon, in an agony
+of doubt, rushed up-stairs to ascertain the cause of non-abatement.
+Accidentally popping his head into the drawing-room, what was his horror
+at beholding the beautiful Brussels carpet, so lately "redolent of
+brilliant hues," one sheet of inky liquid, into which Mrs. Waddledot (who
+had followed him) instantly swooned. Agamemnon, in his alarm, never
+thought of his wife's mother, but had rushed half-way up the next flight
+of stairs, when a violent knocking arrested his ascent, and, with the fear
+of the whole fire-brigade before his eyes, he re-rushed to open the door,
+the knocker of which kept up an incessant clamour both in and out of the
+house. The first person that met his view was a footman, 25, dyed with the
+same sooty evidence of John and Betty's exertions, as he had encountered
+on entering his own drawing-room. The dreadful fact flashed upon
+Collumpsion's mind, and long before the winded and saturated servant could
+detail the horrors he had witnessed in "his missuses best bed-room, in No.
+25," the bewildered proprietor of No. 24 was franticly shaking his
+innocently offending menials on the leads of his own establishment. Then
+came a confused noise of little voices in the street, shouting and
+hurraing in the fulness of that delight which we regret to say is too
+frequently felt by the world at large at the misfortunes of one in
+particular. Then came the sullen rumble of the parish engine, followed by
+violent assaults on the bell and knocker, then another huzza! welcoming
+the extraction of the fire-plug, and the sparkling fountain of "New
+River," which followed as a providential consequence. Collumpsion again
+descended, as John had at last discovered the right chimney, and having
+inundated the stewpans and the kitchen, had succeeded in extinguishing the
+sooty cause of all these disasters. The mob had, by this time, increased
+to an alarming extent. Policemen were busily employed in making a ring for
+the exhibition of the water-works--little boys were pushing each other
+into the flowing gutters--small girls, with astonished infants in their
+arms, were struggling for front places against the opposite railings; and
+every window, from the drawing-rooms to the attics, in Pleasant-terrace
+were studded with heads, in someway resembling the doll heads in a
+gingerbread lottery, with which a man on a wooden leg was tempting the
+monied portion of the juvenile alarmists. Agamemnon opened the door, and
+being flanked by the whole of his household, proceeded to address the
+populace on the present satisfactory state of his kitchen chimney. The
+announcement was received by expressions of extreme disgust, as though
+every auditor considered that a fire ought to have taken place, and that
+they had been defrauded of their time and excitement, and that the
+extinguishing of the same by any other means than by legitimate engines
+was a gross imposition. He was about remonstrating with them on the
+extreme inconvenience which would have attended a compliance with their
+reasonable and humane objections, when his eloquence was suddenly cut
+short by a _jet d'eau_ which a ragged urchin directed over him, by
+scientifically placing his foot over the spouting plug-hole. This clever
+manoeuvre in some way pacified the crowd, and after awaiting the
+re-appearance of the parish engineer, who had insisted on a personal
+inspection of the premises, they gave another shout of derision and
+departed.
+
+Thus commenced the festivities to celebrate the advent of the first tooth
+of the Heir of Applebite.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+GRAVESEND.
+
+(_From our own Correspondent_.)
+
+This delightful watering-place is filled with beauty and fashion, there
+being lots of large curls and small bonnets in every portion of the town
+and neighbourhood.
+
+We understand it is in contemplation to convert the mud on the banks of
+the river into sand, in order that the idea of the sea-side may be
+realised as far as possible. Two donkey cart-loads have already been laid
+down by way of experiment, and the spot on which they were thrown was
+literally thronged with pedestrians. The only difficulty likely to arise
+is, that the tide washes the sand away, and leaves the mud just as usual.
+
+The return of the imports and exports shows an immense increase in the
+prosperity of this, if not salubrious sea-port, at least healthy
+watercourse. It seems that the importation of Margate slippers this year,
+as compared with that of the last, has been as two-and-three-quarters to
+one-and-a-half, or rather more than double, while the consumption of
+donkeys has been most gratifying, and proves beyond doubt that the
+pedestrians and equestrians are not so numerous by any means as the
+asinestrians. The first round of a new ladder for ascending the balconies
+of the bathing-rooms was laid on Wednesday, amidst an inconvenient
+concourse of visitors. With the exception of a rap on the toes received by
+those who pressed so much on the carpenter employed as to retard the
+progress of his work, all passed off quietly. After the ceremony, the man
+was regaled by the proprietor of the rooms with some beer, at the tap of
+the neighbouring hotel for families and gentlemen.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF GUFFAW.
+
+SCRUPULOUSLY PREPARED FROM THE RECIPE OF THE LATE
+
+MR. JOSEPH MILLER,
+
+AND PATRONISED BY
+
+THE ROYAL FAMILY,
+
+THE TWELVE JUDGES, THE LORD CHANCELLOR, THE SWELL MOB, MR. HOBLER, AND THE
+COURT OF ALDERMEN;
+
+ALSO BY THE
+
+COMMISSIONERS OF POLICE, THE SEXTON OF ST. MARYLEBONE, THE PHOENIX LIFE
+ASSURANCE COMPANY, THE KING OF THE SANDWICH ISLANDS,
+
+AND THE
+
+LONDON MISSIONARY SOCIETY.
+
+This inestimable composition, which cures all disorders, and keeps in all
+climates, may be had of every respectable bookseller on the face of the
+globe. Price 3d.
+
+
+TESTIMONIALS.
+
+TO MR. PUNCH.
+
+SIR,--Having incautiously witnessed two consecutive performances of Mr.
+Macready in the "Lady of Lyons," the comic portions of them threw me into
+a state of deep and chronic melancholy, which the various physicians
+employed were unable to cure. Hearing, however, of your excellent
+medicine, I took it regularly every Saturday for five weeks, and am now
+able to go about my daily employment, which being that of a low comedian,
+was materially interfered with by my late complaint.
+
+I remain, with gratitude, yours truly,
+
+JOHN SAUNDERS.
+
+_New Strand Theatre_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SIR,--I was, till lately, private secretary to Lord John Russell. I had to
+copy his somniferous dispatches, to endure a rehearsal of his prosy
+speeches, to get up, at an immense labour to myself, incessant laughs at
+his jokes. At length, by the enormous exertions the last duty imposed upon
+me, I sunk into a hopeless state of cachinnatory impotence: my risible
+muscles refused to perform their office, and I lost mine. I was
+discharged. Fortunately, however, for me, I happened to meet with your
+infallible "Pills to Purge Melancholy," and tried Nos. 1 to 10 inclusive
+of them.
+
+With feelings overflowing with gratitude, I now inform you, that I have
+procured another situation with Sir James Graham; and to show you how
+completely my roaring powers have returned, I have only to state, that it
+was I who got up the screeching applause with which Sir James's recent
+jokes about the Wilde and Tame serjeants were greeted.
+
+I am, Sir, yours,
+
+GEORGE STEPHEN,
+
+Late "over"-Secretary, and Author of the "Canadian Rebellion."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SIR,--Being the proprietor of several weekly newspapers, which I have
+conducted for many years, my jocular powers gradually declined, from hard
+usage and incessant labour, till I was reduced to a state of despair; for
+my papers ceasing to sell, I experienced a complete stoppage of
+circulation.
+
+In this terrible state I had the happiness to meet with your "Essence of
+Guffaw," and tried its effect upon my readers, by inserting several doses
+of your Attic salt in my "New Weekly Messenger," "Planet," &c. &c. The
+effects were wonderful. Their amount of sale increased at every joke, and
+has now completely recovered.
+
+I am, Sir,
+
+JOHN BELL.
+
+_Craven-street, Strand_.
+
+_Note._--This testimonial is gratifying, as the gentleman has hitherto
+failed to acknowledge the source of the wonderful cure we have effected in
+his property.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SIR,--As the author of the facetious political essays in the "Morning
+Herald," it is but due to you that I should candidly state the reason why
+my articles have, of late, so visibly improved.
+
+In truth, sir, I am wholly indebted to you. Feeling a gradual debility
+come over my facetiae, I tried several potions of the "New Monthly" and
+"Bentley's Miscellany," without experiencing the smallest relief. "PUNCH"
+and his "Essence of Guffaw" were, however, most strongly recommended to me
+by my friend the editor of "Cruikshank's Omnibus," who had wonderfully
+revived after taking repeated doses. I followed his example, and am now
+completely re-established in fine, jocular health.
+
+I am, Sir,
+
+THE "_OWN_ CORRESPONDENT."
+
+_Shoe-lane_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Inestimable SIR,--A thousand blessings light upon your head! You have
+snatched a too fond heart from a too early grave. My life-preserver, my
+PUNCH! receive the grateful benedictions of a resuscitated soul, of a
+saved Seraphina Simpkins!
+
+Samuel, dearest PUNCH, was false! He took Jemima to the Pavilion; I
+detected his perfidy, and determined to end my sorrows under the fourth
+arch of Waterloo-bridge.
+
+In my way to the fatal spot I passed--no, I could _not_ pass--your office.
+By chance directed, or by fate constrained, I stopped to read a placard of
+your infallible specific. I bought one dose--it was enough. I have now
+forgotten Samuel, and am happy in the affection of another.
+
+Publish this, if you please; it may be of service to young persons who are
+crossed in love, and in want of straw-bonnets at 3s. 6d. each, best
+Dunstable.
+
+I am, yours,
+
+SERAPHINA SIMPKINS,
+
+Architect of Tuscan, straw, and other bonnets, Lant-street, Borough.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CAUTION.--None are genuine unless duly stamped--with good humour, good
+taste, and good jokes. Observe: "PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, price
+Threepence," is on the cover. Several spurious imitations are abroad, at a
+reduced price, the effects of which are dreadful upon the system.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+W(H)AT TYLER.
+
+The following pictorial joke has been sent to us by Count D'Orsay, which
+he denominates
+
+[Illustration: TILING A FLAT.]
+
+All our attempts to discover the wit of this _tableau d'esprit_ have been
+quite fu-_tile_. Perhaps our readers will be more successful.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A MESMERIC ADVERTISEMENT.
+
+Wanted, by Mons. Lafontaine, a few fine able-bodied young men, who can
+suffer the running of pins into their legs without flinching, and who can
+stare out an ignited lucifer without winking. A few respectable-looking
+men, to get up in the room and make speeches on the subject of the
+mesmeric science, will also be treated with. Quakers' hats and coats are
+kept on the premises. Any little boy who has been accustomed at school to
+bear the cane without wincing will be liberally treated with.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+AN ALARMING STRIKE.
+
+HORACE TWISS, on being told that the workmen employed at the New Houses of
+Parliament struck last week, to the number of 468, declared that he would
+follow their example unless Bob raised his wages.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SIR RHUBARB PILL, M.P. & M.D.
+
+    "Now the Poor Law is the only remedy for all the distresses
+    referred to contained in the whole of the Baronet's
+    speech."--_Morning Chronicle_, Sept. 21.
+
+    Oh! dear Doctor,
+      Great bill
+      And pill
+    Concoctor,
+  Most worthy follower in the steps
+    Of Dr. Epps,
+  And eke that cannie man
+    Old Dr. Hanneman--
+  Two individuals of consummate gumption,
+    Who declare,
+    That whensoe'er
+  The patient's labouring under a consumption,
+  To save him from a trip across the Styx,
+    To ancient Nick's
+    In Charon's shallop,
+  If the consumption be upon the canter,
+  It should be put upon the gallop
+    Instanter;
+  For, "_similia similibus curantur_,"
+    Great medicinal cod
+    (Beating the mode
+  Of old Hippocrates, whom M.D.'s mostly follow,
+    Quite hollow);
+  Which would make
+    A patient take
+  No end of verjuice for the belly-ache;
+  And find, beyond a question,
+    A power of good in
+    A lump of cold plum-pudding
+  For a case of indigestion.
+    And just as sage,
+    In this wise age,
+  'Faith, Dr. Peel, is _your_ law;
+    Which, as a remedy
+    For poverty,
+  Would recommend the Poor Law.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+MATINEE MESMERIQUE
+
+_Or, Procede Humbugaresque._
+
+There is at present in London a gentleman with an enormous beard, who
+professes the science of animal magnetism, and undertakes to deprive of
+sense those who come under his hand; but as those who flock to his
+exhibition have generally left all the sense they possess at home, he
+finds it difficult to accomplish his purposes. If it is animal magnetism
+to send another to sleep, what a series of _Soirees Mesmeriques_ must take
+place in the House of Commons during the sitting of Parliament! There is
+no doubt that Sir Robert Peel is the Lafontaine of political
+mesmerism--_the fountain_ of quackery--and every pass he makes with his
+hand over poor John Bull serves to bring him into that state of
+stupefaction in which he may be most easily victimised. While Lafontaine
+thrusts pins into his patient, the Premier sends poor John into a swoon,
+for the purpose of, as it is vulgarly termed, _sticking it into him_; and
+as the French quack holds lucifers to the nostril, Peel plays the devil
+under the very nose of the paralysed sufferer. One resorts to _electrics_,
+the other to _election tricks_, but each has the same object in view--to
+bring the subject of the operation into a state of unconsciousness. If the
+Premier would give a _Matinee Politique_, it would prove a formidable
+rival to the _Soiree Mesmerique_ of the gentleman in the beard, who seems
+impressed with the now popular idea, that genius and a clean chin are
+wholly incompatible.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+(H)ALL IS LOST NOW!
+
+'Sir B. HALL is still Sir B. Hall. Where is the peerage--the "B-all and
+end-all" of his patriotism? Really the Whigs ought to have given the poor
+dog a bone, considering with what perseverance he has always been
+
+[Illustration: STANDING FOR MARROWBONE (MARYLEBONE).]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+When a person holds an argument with his neighbour on the opposite aide of
+the street, why is there no chance of their agreeing?--Because they argue
+from different _premises_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+NOVEL SUBSCRIPTIONS.
+
+Looking into an Australian paper the other day, we cast our eye over a
+list of subscriptions for the "St. Patrick's Orphan School, Windsor;"
+which, after enumerating several sums, varying from 10l. to _five_
+shillings, ended with the following singular contributions:--
+
+    MR. BURKE--A supply of potatoes.
+    A FRIEND--Five pounds of beef, and a coat.
+    A FRIEND IN NEED--A shoulder of mutton.
+    A POOR WOMAN--A large damper.
+    AN EMIGRANT--Ten quarts of milk.
+    AN EMIGRANT--A frying-pan.
+
+At first we were disposed to be amused with the heterogeneous nature of
+the contributions, but, on reflection, we felt disposed to applaud a plan
+which enabled every one to bestow a portion of any article of which he
+possesses a superabundance. If, for instance, a similar subscription were
+began here, we might expect to find the following contributions:--
+
+    SIR ROBERT PEEL--A large stock of political consistency.
+    LORD LONDONDERRY--An ounce of wit.
+    LORD NORMANBY--A complete copy of "Yes and No."
+    COLONEL SIBTHORP--A calf's-head, garnished.
+    THE BISHOP OF EXETER--His pastoral blessing.
+    LORD MELBOURNE AND LORD JOHN RUSSELL--A pair of cast-off slippers.
+    MR. WAKELY--A dish of Tory flummery.
+    DAN O'CONNELL--A prime lot of
+
+[Illustration: REAL IRISH BUTTER.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SONGS FOR THE SENTIMENTAL.--NO. 7.
+
+  Fair Daphne has tresses as bright as the hue
+    That illumines the west when a summer-day closes;
+  Her eyes seem like violets laden with dew,
+    Her lips will compare with the sweetest of roses.
+  By Daphne's decree I am doom'd to despair,
+    Though ofttimes I've pray'd the fair maid to revoke it.
+  "No--Colin I love"--(thus will Daphne declare)
+    "Put that in your pipe, if you will, sir, and smoke it."
+
+  Once I thought that she loved me (O! fatal deceit),
+    For she wore at the dance the gay wreath I had twined her;
+  She smiled when I swore that I envied each sweet,
+    And vow'd that in love's rosy chains I would bind her.
+  I press'd her soft hand, and a blush dyed her cheek;
+    "Oh! there's love," I exclaim'd, "in that eye's liquid glancing."
+  She spoke, and I think I can _still_ hear her speak--
+    "You know about love what a pig knows of dancing!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+JOE HUM(E)ANITY.
+
+The "late of" Middlesex, during his visit to Switzerland, happened to be
+charged, at a cottage half-way up the Jura, three farthings for seven
+eggs. Astonished and disgusted at the demand, he vehemently declared that
+things were come to a pretty
+
+[Illustration: PASS IN THE MOUNTAINS]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE MINISTERIAL TOP.
+
+We understand Sir James Graham has lately been labouring under severe and
+continued fits of vertigo, produced, as his medical attendants state, by
+his extraordinary propensity for _turning round_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+BERNARD CAVANAGH
+
+AND THE POOR LAW COMMISSIONERS.
+
+It is not generally known that the above gentleman has been officially
+engaged by the eminent and philanthropic pauper-patrons, to put his
+principles into practice throughout the whole of the Unions in the United
+Kingdom.
+
+Knowing the extraordinary appetite of the vulgar for anything approaching
+the unintelligible and marvellous, we feel sorry to be obliged, by a brief
+detail of this gentleman's early life and habits, to divest the present
+phenomenon of much of its apparent wonder and romance.
+
+Mr. Cavanagh was in infancy rather remarkable for the many sleepless
+nights he occasioned his worthy parents by his juvenile intimations that
+fasting at that time was no part of his system. He progressed rapidly in
+his powers of consumption, and was indeed a child of
+
+[Illustration: A FULL HABIT;]
+
+or, as his nurse expressed it, he was _alwaist_ good for three rounds at
+breakfast, not at all to be sneezed at luncheon, anything but bad at
+dinner, hearty at tea (another three-rounder), and very consistent at
+supper.
+
+"Reverse of fortune changes friends"--reverse of circumstances, alas! too
+often changes feeds!--pecuniary disappointments brought on a reduction of
+circumstances--reduction of circumstances occasioned a reduction of meals,
+and the necessity for such reduction being very apparent to a philosophic
+mind, engendered a reduction of craving for the same. Perhaps nothing
+could have proved more generally beneficial than the individual
+misfortunes of Mr. Bernard Cavanagh, which transferred him to one of those
+Elysiums of brick and mortar, the "Poor Law Union." Here, as he himself
+expresses it, the fearful fallacies of his past system were made
+beautifully apparent; he felt as if existence could be maintained by the
+infinitesimal process, so benevolently advocated and regularly prepared,
+that one step more was all that was necessary to arrive at dietary
+perfectibility. That step he took, it being simply, instead of next to
+nothing, to live on nothing at all; and now, such was his opinion of the
+condiments supplied, he declares it to be by far the pleasantest of the
+two.
+
+It has been reported that Mr. Bernard Cavanagh's powers of abstinence have
+their latent origin in enthusiasm. This he confesses to be the case, his
+great admiration for fasting having arisen from the circumstance of his
+frequently seeing the process of manufacturing the pauper gruel, which
+sight filled him with most intense yearnings to hit upon some plan by
+which, as far as he was concerned, he might for ever avoid any
+participation in its consumption.
+
+That immense cigar, the mild Cavanagh! favours us with the following
+practical account of his system; by which he intends, through the means of
+enthusiasm, to render breakfasts a superfluity--luncheons,
+inutilities--dinners, dreadful extravagancies--teas, iniquitous
+wastes--and suppers, supper-erogatories.
+
+Mr. B.C. proposes the instant dismissal, without wages or warning, of all
+the cooks, and substitution of the like number of Ciceros; thereby
+affording a more ample mental diet, as the followers will be served out
+with orations instead of rations. For the proper excitement of the
+necessary enthusiasm, he submits the following Mental Bill of Fare:--
+
+    FOR STRONG STOMACHS AND WEAK INTELLECTS:--
+
+    Feargus O'Connor, as per Crown and Anchor.
+    Mr. Vincent.
+    Mr. Roebuck, with ancestral sauce--very fine, if not pitched too
+        strong.
+    N.B.--In case of surfeit from the above, the editor of the
+        _Times_ may be resorted to as an antidote.
+    Daniel O'Connell--whose successful practice of the exciting and
+        fasting, or rather, starving system, among the rent
+        contributors in Ireland, not only proves the truth of the
+        theory, but enables B.C. to recommend him as the safest dish in
+        the _carte_.
+
+    FOR WEAK STOMACHS AND VERY SMALL IMAGINATIONS:--
+
+    D'Israeli (Ben)--breakfast off the "Wondrous Tale of Alroy."
+    Bulwer--lunch on "Siamese Twins."
+    Stephens--dine off "The Hungarian Daughter."
+    Heraud--tea off "The Deluge,"--sup off the whole Minerva Library.
+    N.B.--None of the above, will bear the slightest dilution.
+
+    FOR DELICATE DIGESTIONS, AND LIMITED UNDERSTANDINGS, PERUSALS OF
+
+    "World of Fashion."
+    Lord John Russell's "Don Carlos."
+    Montgomery's "Satan" (very good as a devil).
+    "Journal of Civilization."
+    Any of F. Chorley's writings, Robins' advertisements, or poetry
+        relating to Warren's Jet Blacking.
+
+    FOR MENTAL BOLTERS
+
+    Ainsworth's "Jack Sheppard."
+    Harmer's "Weekly Dispatch."
+    "Newgate Calendar."
+    "Terrific Register," "Frankenstein," &c. &c. &c.
+
+The above forms a brief abstract of Mr. B.C.'s plan, furnished and
+approved by the Poor Law Commissioners. We are credibly informed that the
+same enlightened gentleman is at present making arrangements with Sir
+Robert Peel for the total repeal of the use of bread by all operatives,
+and thereby tranquillising the present state of excitement upon the
+corn-law question; proving bread, once erroneously considered the staff of
+life, to be nothing more than a mere ornamental opera cane.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SYNCRETIC LITERATURE.
+
+_Concluding remarks on an Epic Poem of Giles Scroggins and Molly Brown._
+
+The circumstance which rendered Giles Scroggins peculiarly ineligible as a
+bridegroom eminently qualified him as a tenant for one of those
+receptacles in which defunct mortals progress to "that bourne from whence
+no traveller returns." Fancy the bereaved Molly, or, as she is in grief,
+and grief is tragical, Mary Brown, denuded of her scarf and black gloves,
+turning faintly from the untouched cake and tasteless wine, and retiring
+to the virtuous couch, whereon, with aching heart, the poet asserts she,
+the said
+
+  "Poor Molly, laid her down to weep;"
+
+and then contemplate her the victim of somnolent consequences, when--
+
+  "She cried herself quite fast asleep,"
+
+Here an ordinary mind might have left the maiden and reverted "to her
+streaming eyes," inflamed lids, dishevelled locks, and bursting sigh, as
+satisfactory evidences of the truth of her broken-heartedness, but the
+"great anonymous" of whom we treat, scorns the application of such
+external circumstances as agents whereby to depict the intenseness of the
+passion of the ten thousand condensed turtle-doves glowing in the bosom of
+_his_ heroine. Sleep falls upon her eyes; but the "life of death," the
+subtle essence of the shrouded soul, the watchful sentinel and viewless
+evidence of immortality, the wild and flitting air-wrought impalpabilities
+of her fitful dreams, still haunt her in her seeming hours of rest. Fancy
+her feelings--
+
+  "When, standing fast by her bed-post,
+  A figure tall her sight engross'd,"
+
+and it cried--
+
+  "'I be's Giles Scroggins' ghost.'"
+
+Such is the frightful announcement commemorative of this visitation from
+the wandering spirit of the erratic Giles. Death has indeed parted them.
+Giles is cold, but still his love is warm! He loved and won her in
+life--he hints at a right of possession in death; and this very
+forgetfulness of what he _was_, and what he _is_, is the best essence of
+the overwhelming intensity of his passion. He continues (with a beautiful
+reliance on the faith and _living_ constancy of Molly, in reciprocation,
+though dead, of his deathless attachment) to offer her a share, not of his
+bed and board, but of his shell and shroud. There is somewhat of the
+imperative in the invitation, which runs thus:--
+
+  "The ghost it said so solemnly,
+  'Oh, Molly, you _must_ go with me,
+  All to the grave, your love to cool.'"
+
+We have no doubt this assumption of command on the part of the ghost--an
+assumption, be it remembered, never ventured upon by the living
+Giles--gave rise to some unpleasant reflections in the mind of the
+slumbering Molly. _Must_ is certainly an awkward word. Tell any lady that
+she _must_ do this, or _must_ do that, and, however much her wishes may
+have previously prompted the proceeding, we feel perfectly satisfied, that
+on the very shortest notice she will find an absolute and undeniable
+reason why such a proceeding is diametrically opposed to the line of
+conduct she _will_, and therefore ought to, adopt.
+
+With an intuitive knowledge of human nature, the great poet purposely uses
+the above objectionable word. How could he do otherwise, or how more
+effectually, and less offensively, extricate Molly Brown from the
+unpleasant tenantry of the proposed under-ground floor? Command invariably
+begets opposition, opposition as certainly leads to argument. So proves
+our heroine, who, with a beautiful evasiveness, delivers the following
+expostulation:--
+
+  "Says she, 'I am not dead, you fool!'"
+
+One would think _that_ was a pretty decent clincher, by way of a reason
+for declining the proposed trip to Giles Scroggins' little property at his
+own peculiar "Gravesend;" but as contradiction begets controversy, and the
+enlightened poet is fully aware of the effect of that cause, the undaunted
+sprite of the interred Giles instantly opposes this, to him, flimsy
+excuse, and upon the peculiar veracity of a wandering ghost, triumphantly
+exclaims, in the poet's words--words that, lest any mistake should arise
+as to the speaker by the peculiar construction of the sentence, are
+rendered _doubly_ individual, for--
+
+  "_Says_ the _ghost_, says _he_, vy that's no rule!"
+
+There's a staggerer! being alive no rule for _not_ being buried! how _is_
+Molly Brown to get out of that high-pressure cleft-stick? how! that's the
+question! Why not in a state of somnolency, not during the "death of each
+day's life; no, it is clear, to escape such a consummation she must be
+wide awake." The poet sees this, and with the energy of a master-mind, he
+brings the invisible chimera of her entranced imagination into effective
+operation. Argument with a man who denies first premises, and we submit
+the assertion that vitality is no exception to the treatment of the dead,
+amounts to that. We say, argument with such a man is worse than nothing;
+it would be fallacious as the Eolian experiment of whistling the most
+inspiriting jigs to an inanimate, and consequently unmusical, milestone,
+opposing a transatlantic thunder-storm with "a more paper than powder"
+"penny cracker," or setting an owl to outstare the meridian sun.
+
+The poet knew and felt this, and therefore he ends the delusion and
+controversy by an overt act:--
+
+  "The ghost then seized her all so grim,
+  All for to go along with him;
+  'Come, come,' said he, 'e'er morning beam.'"
+
+To which she replies with the following determined announcement:--
+
+  "'I von't!' said she, and scream'd a scream,
+  Then she voke, and found she'd dream'd a dream!"
+
+These are the last words we have left to descant upon: they are such as
+should be the last; and, like _Joseph Surface_, "moral to the end." The
+glowing passions the fervent hopes, the anticipated future, of the loving
+pair, all, all are frustrated! The great lesson of life imbues the
+elaborate production; the thinking reader, led by its sublimity to a train
+of deep reflection, sees at once the uncertainty of earthly projects, and
+sighing owns the wholesome, though still painful truth, that the brightest
+sun is ever the first cause of the darkest shadow; and from childhood
+upwards, the blissful visions of our gayest fancy--forced by the cry of
+stern reality--call back the mental wanderer from imaginary bliss, to be
+again the worldly drudge; and, thus awakened to his real state, confess,
+like our sad heroine, Molly Brown, he too, has _dreamt a dream_.
+
+FUSBOS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+FATHER O'FLYNN AND HIS CONGREGATION.
+
+
+Father Francis O'Flynn, or, as he was generally called by his
+parishioners, "Father Frank," was the choicest specimen you could desire
+of a jolly, quiet-going, ease-loving, Irish country priest of the old
+school.  His parish lay near a small town in the eastern part of the
+county Cork, and for forty-five years he lived amongst his flock,
+performing all the duties of his office, and taking his dues (when he got
+them) with never-tiring good-humour. But age, that spares not priest nor
+layman, had stolen upon Father Frank, and he gradually relinquished to his
+younger curates the task of preaching, till at length his sermons dwindled
+down to two in the year--one at Christmas, and the other at Easter, at
+which times his clerical dues were about coming in. It was on one of these
+memorable occasions that I first chanced to hear Father Frank address his
+congregation.  I have him now before my mind's eye, as he then appeared; a
+stout, middle-sized man, with ample shoulders, enveloped in a coat of
+superfine black, and substantial legs encased in long straight boots,
+reaching to the knee. His forehead, and the upper part of his head, were
+bald; but the use of hair-powder gave a fine effect to his massive, but
+good-humoured features, that glowed with the rich tint of a hale old age.
+A bunch of large gold seals, depending from a massive jack-chain of the
+same metal, oscillated with becoming dignity from the lower verge of his
+waistcoat, over the goodly prominence of his "fair round belly."  Glancing
+his half-closed, but piercing eye around his auditory, as if calculating
+the contents of every pocket present, he commenced his address as
+follows:--"Well, my good people, I suppose ye know that to-morrow will be
+the _pattern_[1] of Saint Fineen, and no doubt ye'll all be for going to
+the blessed well to say your _padhereens_;[2] but I'll go bail there's few
+of you ever heard the rason why the water of that well won't raise a
+lather, or wash anything clean, though you were to put all the soap in
+Cork into it. Well, pay attintiou, and I'll tell you.--Mrs. Delany, can't
+you keep your child quiet while I'm spaking?--It happened a long while
+ago, that Saint Fineen, a holy and devout Christian, lived all alone,
+convaynient to the well; there he was to be found ever and always praying
+and reading his breviary upon a cowld stone that lay beside it. Onluckily
+enough, there lived also in the neighbourhood a _callieen dhas_[3] called
+Morieen, and this Morieen had a fashion of coming down to the well every
+morning, at sunrise, to wash her legs and feet; and, by all accounts, you
+couldn't meet a whiter or shapelier pair from this to Bantry. Saint
+Fineen, however, was so disthracted in his heavenly meditations, poor man!
+that he never once looked at them; but kept his eyes fast on his holy
+books, while Morieen was rubbing and lathering away, till the legs used to
+look like two beautiful pieces of alabasther in the clear water. Matters
+went on this way for some time, Morieen coming regular to the well, till
+one fine morning, as she stepped into the water, without minding what she
+was about, she struck her foot against a a stone and cut it.
+
+    [1] _Pattern_--a corruption of _Patron_--means, in Ireland, the
+        anniversary of the Saint to whom a holy well has been
+        consecrated, on which day the peasantry make pilgrimages to the
+        well.
+
+    [2] Beads
+
+    [3] Pretty girl
+
+"'Oh! Millia murdher! What'll I do?' cried the _callieen_, in the
+pitifulles voice you ever heard.
+
+"'What's the matter?' said Saint Fineen.
+
+"'I've cut my foot agin this misfortinat stone,' says she, making answer.
+
+"Then Saint Fineen lifted up his eyes from his blessed book, and he saw
+Morieen's legs and feet.
+
+"'Oh! Morieen!' says he, after looking awhile at them, 'what white legs
+you have got!'
+
+"'Have I?' says she, laughing, 'and how do _you_ know that?'
+
+"Immediately the Saint remimbered himself, and being full of remorse and
+conthrition for his fault, he laid his commands upon the well, that its
+water should never wash anything white again.--and, as I mentioned before,
+all the soap in Ireland wouldn't raise a lather on it since. Now that's
+the thrue histhory of St. Fineen's blessed well; and I hope and thrust it
+will be a saysonable and premonitory lesson to all the young men that
+hears me, not to fall into the vaynial sin of admiring the white legs of
+the girls."
+
+As soon as his reverence paused, a buzz of admiration ran through the
+chapel, accompanied by that peculiar rapid noise made by the lower class
+of an Irish Roman Catholic congregation, when their feelings of awe,
+astonishment, or piety, are excited by the preacher.[4]
+
+    [4] This sound, which is produced by a quick motion of the tongue
+        against the teeth and roof of the mouth, may be expressed thus;
+        "tth, tth, tth, tth, tth."
+
+Father Frank having taken breath, and wiped his forehead, resumed his
+address.
+
+"I'm going to change my subject now, and I expect attintion. Shawn Barry!
+Where's Shawn Barry?"
+
+"Here, your Rivirence," replies a voice from the depth of the crowd.
+
+"Come up here, Shawn, 'till I examine you about your Catechism and
+docthrines."
+
+A rough-headed fellow elbowed his way slowly through the congregation, and
+moulding his old hat into a thousand grotesque shapes, between his huge
+palms, presented himself before his pastor, with very much the air of a
+puzzled philosopher.
+
+"Well, Shawn, my boy, do you know what is the meaning of Faith?"
+
+"Parfictly, your Rivirence," replied the fellow, with a knowing grin.
+"Faith means when Paddy Hogan gives me credit for half-a-pint of the
+best."
+
+"Get out of my sight, you ondaycent vagabond; you're a disgrace to my
+flock. Here, you Tom M'Gawley, what's Charity?"
+
+"Bating a process-sarver, your Rivirence," replied Tom, promptly.
+
+"Oh! blessed saints! how I'm persecuted with ye, root and branch. Jim
+Houlaghan, I'm looking at you, there, behind Peggy Callanane's cloak; come
+up here, you hanging _bone slieveen_[5] and tell me what is the Last Day?"
+
+    [5] A sly rogue.
+
+"I didn't come to that yet, sir," replied Jim, scratching his head.
+
+"I wouldn't fear you, you bosthoon. Well, listen, and I'll tell you. It's
+the day when you'll all have to settle your accounts, and I'm thinking
+there'll be a heavy score against some of you, if you don't mind what I'm
+saying to you. When that day comes, I'll walk up to Heaven and rap at the
+hall door. Then St. Pether, who will be takin' a nap after dinner in his
+arm-chair, inside, and not liking ta be disturbed, will call out mighty
+surly, 'Who's there?'"
+
+"'It's I, my Lord,' I'll make answer.
+
+"Av course, he'll know my voice, and, jumping up like a cricket, he'll
+open the door as wide as the hinges will let it, and say quite politely--
+
+"'I'm proud to see you here, Father Frank. Walk in, if you plase.'
+
+"Upon that I'll scrape my feet, and walk in, and then St. Pether will say
+agin--
+
+"'Well, Father Frank, what have you got to say for yourself? Did you look
+well afther your flock; and mind to have them all christened, and married,
+and buried, according to the rites of our holy church?'
+
+"Now, good people, I've been forty-five years amongst you, and didn't I
+christen every mother's soul of you?"
+
+_Congregation._--You did,--you did,--your Rivirence.
+
+_Father Frank._--Well, and didn't I bury the most of you, too?
+
+_Congregation._--You did, your Rivirence.
+
+_Father Frank._--And didn't I do my best to get dacent matches for all
+your little girls? I And didn't I get good wives for all the well-behaved
+boys in my parish?--Why don't you spake up, Mick Donovan?
+
+_Mick._--You did, your Rivirence.
+
+_Father Frank._--Well, that's settled:--but then St. Pether will
+say--"Father Frank," says he, "you're a proper man; but how did your flock
+behave to you--did they pay you your dues regularly?" Ah! good Christians,
+how shall I answer _that_ question?  Put it in my power to say something
+good of you: don't be ashamed to come up and pay your priest's dues.
+Come,--make a lane there, and let ye all come up with conthrite hearts and
+open hands. Tim Delaney!--make way for Tim:--how much will you give, Tim?
+
+_Tim._--I'll not be worse than another, your Riverence. I'll give a crown.
+
+_Father Frank._--Thank you, Timothy: the dacent drop is in you. Keep a
+lane, there!--any of ye that hasn't a crown, or half-a-crown, don't be
+bashful of coming up with your _hog_ or your _testher_.[6]
+
+    [6] A _shilling_ or a _sixpence_.
+
+And thus Father Frank went on encouraging and wheedling his flock to pay
+up his dues, until he had gone through his entire congregation, when I
+left the chapel, highly amused at the characteristic scene I had
+witnessed.
+
+X.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A PRUDENT REASON.
+
+Our gallant Sibthorp was lately invited by a friend to accompany him in a
+pleasure trip in his yacht to Cowes. "No!" exclaimed Sib.; "you don't
+catch me venturing near _Cowes_." "And why not?" inquired his friend.
+"Because I was never vaccinated," replied the hirsute hero.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+DOCTOR PEEL TAKING TIME TO CONSULT.
+
+Once upon a time--says an old Italian novelist--a horse fell, as in a fit,
+with his rider. The people, running from all sides, gathered about the
+steed, and many and opposite were the opinions of the sudden malady of the
+animal; as many the prescriptions tendered for his recovery. At length, a
+great hubbub arose among the mob; and a fellow, with the brass of a
+merryandrew, and the gravity of a quack-doctor, pressed through the
+throng, and approached the beast. Suddenly there was silence. It was plain
+to the vulgar that the solemn new-comer had brought with him some
+exquisite specific: it was evident, from the grave self-complacency of the
+stranger, that with a glance, he had detected the cause of sickness in the
+horse,--and that, in a few seconds, the prostrate animal, revivified by
+the cunning of the sage, would be up, and once more curvetting and
+caracoling. The master of the steed eyed the stranger with an affectionate
+anxiety; the mob were awed into breathless expectation. The wise man shook
+his head, put his cane to his nose, and proceeded to open his mouth. It
+was plain he was about to speak. Every ear throbbed and gaped to catch the
+golden syllables. At length the doctor did speak: for casting about him a
+look of the profoundest knowledge, and pointing to the steed, he said, in
+a deep, solemn whisper,--"_Let the horse alone!_" Saying this, the doctor
+vanished!
+
+The reader will immediately make the application. The horse _John Bull_ is
+prostrate. It will be remembered that Colonel SIBTHORP (that dull
+mountebank) spoke learnedly upon glanders--that others declared the animal
+needed a lighter burthen and a greater allowance of corn,--but that the
+majority of the mob made way for a certain quacksalver PEEL, who being
+regularly called in and fee'd for his advice, professed himself to be
+possessed of some miraculous elixir for the suffering quadruped. All eyes
+were upon the doctor--all ears open for him, when lo! on the 16th of
+September,--PEEL, speaking with the voice of an oracle, said--"It is not
+my intention in the present session of Parliament to submit any measures
+for the consideration of the House!" In other words--"_Let the horse
+alone!_"
+
+The praises of the Tory mob are loud and long at this wisdom of the
+doctor. He had loudly professed an intimate knowledge of the ailments of
+the horse--he had long predicted the fall of the poor beast,--and now,
+when the animal is down, and a remedy is looked for that shall once more
+set the creature on his legs, the veterinary politician says--"_Let the
+horse alone!_"
+
+The speech of Sir ROBERT PEEL was a pithy illustration of the good old
+Tory creed. He opens his oration with a benevolent and patriotic yearning
+for the comforts of Parliamentary warmth and ventilation. He moves for
+papers connected with "the building of the two houses of Parliament, and
+with the adoption of measures for _warming and ventilating_ those houses!"
+The whole policy of the Tories has ever exemplified their love of nice
+warm places; though, certainly, they have not been very great sticklers
+for atmospheric purity. Indeed, like certain other labourers, who work by
+night, they have toiled in the foulest air,--have profited by the most
+noisome labour. When Lord JOHN RUSSELL introduced that imperfect mode of
+ventilation, the Reform Bill, into the house, had he provided for a full
+and pure supply of public opinion,--had he ventilated the Commons by a
+more extended franchise,--Sir ROBERT PEEL would not, as minister, have
+shown such magnanimous concern for the creature comforts of Members of
+Parliament--he might, indeed, have still displayed his undying love of a
+warm place; but he would not have enjoyed it on the bench of the Treasury.
+As for ventilation, why, the creature Toryism, like a frog, could live in
+the heart of a tree;--it being always provided that the tree should bear
+golden pippins.
+
+We can, however, imagine that this solicitude of Sir ROBERT for the ease
+and comfort of the legislative Magi may operate to his advantage in the
+minds of certain honest folk, touched by the humanity which sheds so sweet
+a light upon the opening oration of the new minister. "If"--they will
+doubtless think--"the humane Baronet feels so acutely for the Lords
+Spiritual and Temporal,--if he has this regard for the convenience of only
+658 knights and burgesses,--if, in his enlarged humanity, he can feel for
+so helpless a creature as the Earl of COVENTRY, so mild, so unassuming a
+prelate as the Bishop of EXETER--if he can sympathise with the wants of
+even a D'ISRAELI, and tax his mighty intellect to make even SIBTHORP
+comfortable,--surely the same minister will have, aye, a morbid sense of
+the wants, the daily wretchedness of hundreds of thousands, who, with the
+fiend Corn Law grinning at their fireless hearths--pine and perish in
+weavers' hovels, for the which there has as yet been _no_ 'adoption of
+measures for the warming and ventilating.'" "Surely"--they will think--"the
+man whose sympathy is active for a few of the 'meanest things that live'
+will gush with sensibility towards a countless multitude, fluttering into
+rags and gaunt with famine. He will go back to first principles; he will,
+with a giant's arm, knock down all the conventionalities built by the
+selfishness of man--(and what a labourer is selfishness! there was no such
+hard worker at the Pyramids or the wall of China)--between him and his
+fellow! Hunger will be fed--nakedness will be clothed--and God's image,
+though stricken with age, and broken with disease, be acknowledged; not in
+the cut-and-dried Pharisaical phrase of trading Church-goers, as a thing
+vested with immortality--as a creature fashioned for everlasting
+solemnities--but _practically_ treated as of the great family of man--a
+brother, invited with the noblest of the Caesars, to an immortal banquet!"
+
+Such may be the hopes of a few, innocent of the knowledge of the
+stony-heartedness of Toryism. For ourselves, we hope nothing from Sir
+ROBERT PEEL. His flourish on the warming and ventilation of the new Houses
+of Parliament, taken in connexion with his opinions on the Corn Laws,
+reminds us of the benevolence of certain people in the East, who, careless
+and ignorant of the claims of their fellow-men, yet take every pains to
+erect comfortable hospitals and temples for dogs and vermin. Old
+travellers speak of these places, and of men being hired that the sacred
+fleas might feed upon their blood. Now, when we consider the history of
+legislation--when we look upon many of the statutes emanating from
+Parliament--how often might we call the House of Commons the House of
+Fleas? To be sure, there is yet this great difference: the poor who give
+their blood there, unlike the wretches of the East, give it for nothing!
+
+Sir ROBERT'S speech promises nothing whatever as to his future policy. He
+leaves everything open. He will not say that he will not go in precisely
+the line chalked out by the Whigs. "Next session," says. Sir ROBERT, "you
+shall see what you shall see." About next February, _Orson_, in the words
+of the oracle in the melo-drama, will be "endowed with reason." Until
+then, we must accept a note-of-hand for Sir ROBERT, that he may pay the
+expenses of the government.
+
+    "I have already expressed my opinion, that it is absolutely
+    necessary to adopt some measures for equalising the revenue and
+    expenditure, and we will avail ourselves of the earliest
+    opportunity, after mature consideration of the circumstances of the
+    country, to submit to a committee of the whole house measures for
+    remedying the existing state of things. _Whether that can be best
+    done by diminishing the expenditure of the country, or by
+    increasing the revenue, or by a combination of those two means--the
+    reduction of the expenditure and the increase of the revenue--I
+    must postpone for future consideration._"
+
+Why, Sir ROBERT was called in because he knew the disease of the patient.
+He had his remedy about him. The pills and the draught were in his
+pocket--yes, in his patriotic poke; but he refused to take the lid from
+the box--resolutely determined that the cork should not be drawn from the
+all-healing phial--until he was regularly called in; and, as the gypsies
+say, his hand crossed with a bit of money. Well, he now swears with such
+vigour to the excellence of his physic--he so talks for hours and hours
+upon the virtues of his drugs, that at length a special messenger is sent
+to him, and directions given that the Miraculous Doctor should be received
+at the state entrance of the patient's castle, with every mark of
+consideration. The Doctor is ensured his fee, and he sets to work.
+Thousands and thousands of hearts are beating whilst his eye scrutinizes
+John Bull's tongue--suspense weighs upon the bosom of millions as the
+Doctor feels his pulse. Well, these little ceremonies settled, the Doctor
+will, of course, pull out his phial, display his boluses, and take his
+leave with a promise of speedy health. By no means. "I must go home," says
+the Doctor, "and study your disease for a few months; cull simples by
+moonlight; and consult the whole Materia Medica; after that I'll write you
+a prescription. For the present, good morning."
+
+"But, my dear Doctor," cries the patient, "I dismissed my old physician,
+because you insisted that you knew my complaint and its, remedy already."
+
+"That's very true," says Doctor PEEL, "but _then_ I wasn't called in."
+
+The learned Baldaeus tells us, that "Ceylon doctors give _jackall's flesh_
+for consumptions." Now, consumption is evidently John Bull's malady;
+hence, we would try the Ceylon prescription. The jackalls are the
+landowners; take a little of _their flesh_, Sir ROBERT, and for once,
+spare the bowels of the manufacturer.
+
+Q.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH'S PENCILLINGS.--No. XI.
+
+
+[Illustration: PLAYING THE KNAVE.
+
+DEDICATED TO THE MEMBERS OF ST. STEPHEN'S.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+BUNKS'S DISCOVERIES IN THE THAMES.
+
+A highly important and interesting survey of the coast between
+Arundel-stairs and Hungerford-market pier, is now being executed, under
+the superintendence of Bill Bunks, late commander of the coal-barge "Jim
+Crow." The result of his labours hitherto have been of the most
+interesting nature to the natural historian, the antiquarian, and the
+navigator. In his first report to the magistrates of the Thames-police, he
+states that he has advanced in his survey to Waterloo-bridge stairs, which
+he describes as a good landing-place for wherries, funnies, and small
+craft, but inadequate as a harbour for vessels of great burthen. The shore
+from Arundel-street, as far as he has explored, consists chiefly of a
+tenacious, dark-coloured substance, very closely resembling thick mud,
+intermixed with loose shingles, pebbles, and coal-slates. The depth of
+water is uncertain, as it varies with the tide, which he ascertains rises
+and falls every six hours; the greatest depth of water being usually found
+at the time when the tide is full in, and _vice versa_. He has also made
+the valuable discovery, that a considerable portion of the shore is always
+left uncovered at low water, at which periods he availed himself of the
+opportunity afforded him of examining it more minutely, and of collecting
+a large number of curious specimens in natural history, and interesting
+antiquarian relics. As we have had the privilege of being permitted to
+view them in the private museum of the
+"Stangate-and-Milbank-both-sides-of-the-water-united-for-the-advancement-
+of-Science-Association," we are enabled to lay before our readers the
+particulars of a few of these spoils, which the perseverance and
+intrepidity of our gallant countryman, Bill Bunks, has rescued from the
+hungry jaws of the rapacious deep; viz.:--
+
+1. "_A case of shells._" The greater number of the specimens are
+pronounced, by competent judges, to be shells of the native oyster; a fact
+worthy of note, as it proves the existence, in former ages, of an
+oyster-bed on this spot, and oysters being a sea-fish, it appears evident
+that either the sea has removed from London, or London has withdrawn
+itself from the sea. The point is open to discussion. We hope that the
+"Hookham-cum-Snivey Institution" will undertake the solution of it at one
+of their early meetings.
+
+2. "_The neck of a black bottle, with a cork in it._" This is a very
+interesting object of art, and one which has given rise to considerable
+discussion amongst the _literati_. The cork, which is inserted in the
+fragment of the neck, is quite perfect; it has been impressed with a seal
+in reddish-coloured wax; a portion of it remains, with a partly
+obliterated inscription, in Roman characters, of which we have been
+enabled to give the accompanying fac-simile.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+With considerable difficulty we have deciphered the legend thus:--The
+first letter B has evidently been a mistake of the engraver, who meant it
+for a P, the similarity of the sounds of the two letters being very likely
+to lead him into such an error. With this slight alteration, we have only
+to add the letter O to the first line, and we shall have "PRO." It
+requires little acuteness to discover that the second word, if complete,
+would be "PATRIA;" and the letters BR, the two lowest of the inscription,
+only want the addition of the letters IT to make "BRIT." or
+"BRITANNIARUM." The legend would then run, "PRO PATRIA BRITANNIARUM,"
+which there is good reason to suppose was the inscription on the cellar
+seal of Alfred the Great, though some presumptuous and common-minded
+persons have asserted that the legend, if perfect, would read, "BRETT'S
+PATENT BRANDY." Every antiquarian has, however, indignantly refused to
+admit such a degrading supposition.
+
+3. "_A perfect brick, and two broken tiles._" The first of these articles
+is in a high state of preservation, and from the circumstance of portions
+of mortar being found adhering to it, it is supposed that it formed part
+of the old London Wall.  We examined the fragments of the tiles carefully,
+but found no inscription or other data, by which to ascertain their
+probable antiquity: the tiles, in short, are buried in mystery.
+
+4. "_A fossil flat-iron._" This antediluvian relic was found imbedded in a
+Sandy deposite opposite Surrey-street, near high-water mark.
+
+5. "_An ancient leather buskin,_" supposed to have belonged to one of the
+Saxon kings. This singular covering for the foot reaches no higher than
+the ancle, and is laced up the front with a leathern thong, like a modern
+highlow, to which it bears a very decided resemblance.
+
+6. "_A skeleton of some unknown animal._"  Antiquarians cannot agree to
+what genus this animal belonged; ignorant people imagine it to have been a
+cat.
+
+7. "_A piece of broken porcelain._" This is an undoubted relic of Roman
+manufacture, and appears to have formed part of a plate. The blue "willow
+pattern" painted on it shows the antiquity of that popular design.
+
+There are several other extremely rare and curious antiquities to be seen
+in this collection, which we have not space to notice at present, but
+shall take an early opportunity of returning to the valuable discoveries
+made by the indefatigable Mr. Bunks.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A NEW CONJURING COMPANY.
+
+A report of so extraordinary a nature has just reached us, that we hasten
+to be the first, as usual, to lay the outlines of it before our readers,
+with the same early authenticity that has characterised all our other
+communications. Mr. Yates is at present in Paris, arranging matters with
+Louis Philippe and his family, to appear at the Adelphi during the ensuing
+season!!
+
+It would appear that the mania for great people wishing to strut and fret
+their four hours and a quarter upon the stage is on the increase--at least
+according to our friends the constituent members of the daily press.
+Despite the newspaper-death of the manager of the Surrey, by which his
+enemies wished to "_spargere voces in vulgum ambiguas_" to his prejudice
+(which means, in plain English, to tell lies of him behind his back), we
+have seen the report contradicted, that Mrs. Norton was about to appear
+there in a new equestrian spectacle, with double platforms, triple studs
+of Tartar hordes, and the other amphitheatrical enticers. We ourselves can
+declare, that there is no foundation in the announcement, no more than in
+the _on dit_ that the Countess of Blessington was engaged as a
+counter-attraction, for a limited number of nights, at the Victoria; or
+her lovely niece--a _power_ in herself--had been prevailed upon to make
+her _debut_ at the Lyceum, in a new piece of a peculiar and unprecedented
+plot, which was prevented from coming off by some disagreement as to terms
+between the principal parties concerned. For true theatrical intelligence,
+our columns alone are to be relied upon; bright as a column of sparkling
+water, overpowering as a column of English cavalry, overlooking all London
+at once, as the column of the Monument, but _not_ so heavy as the column
+of the Duke of York.
+
+_Mais revenons a nos moutons_: which implies (we are again compelled to
+translate, and this time it is for the benefit of those who have not been
+to Boulogne), "we spoke of Louis Philippe and his family." This sagacious
+monarch, foreseeing that the French were in want of some new excitement,
+and grieving to find that the _pompe funebre_ of Napoleon, and the
+inauguration of his statue upon the monument of the victories that never
+took place, had not made the intense impression upon the minds of his
+vivacious subjects that he had intended it should produce, begins to
+think, that before long a fresh _emeute_ will once more throw up the
+barricades and paving-stones in the Rue St. Honore and Boulevard des
+Italiens. As such, with the prudent foresight which has hitherto directed
+all his proceedings, he is naturally looking forward to the best means of
+gaining an honest livelihood for himself and family, should a corrupted
+national guard, or an excited St. Antoine mob take it into their heads to
+dine in the Tuileries without being asked. Having read in the English
+newspapers, which he regularly peruses, of the astounding performances of
+the Wizard of the North at the Adelphi, more especially as regards the
+"paralysing gun delusion," he commences to imagine that he is well
+qualified to undertake the same responsibility, more especially from the
+practice he has had in that line from pistols, rifles, fowling-pieces,
+and, above all, twenty-barrel infernal machines. He has therefore offered
+his services at the Adelphi, and Mr. Yates, with his accustomed energy,
+and avowed propensity for French translations, has agreed to bring him
+over. If we remember truly, the Wizard says in his programme, that the
+secret shall die with him. We beg to inform him, in all humility, that he
+deceives himself, for Louis Philippe and the Duke d'Aumale know the trick
+as well as he does. They would ride through two lines of _sans culottes_,
+all armed to the teeth, without the least injury. They would catch the
+bullets in their teeth, and take them home as curiosities.
+
+Orleans, from his knowledge of the English language, will probably become
+the adapter of the pieces "from the French" about to be produced. The Duke
+de Nemours will be engaged to play the fops in the light comedies, a line
+which, it is anticipated, he will shine in; and the Prince de Joinville
+can dance a capital sailor's hornpipe, which he learnt on board the _Belle
+Poule_, a name which our own sailors, with an excusable disregard for
+genders, converted into "The Jolly Cock." Of course, from his late
+experience, d'Aumale will assist Louis Philippe, upon emergency, in the
+gun trick, and, with the other attractions, a profitable season is sure to
+result.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+AN EXTENSIVE SACRIFICE.
+
+By Dr. Reid's new plan for ventilating the House of Commons, a porous hair
+carpet will be required for the floor; to provide materials for which Mr.
+Muntz has, in the most handsome manner, offered to shave off his beard and
+whiskers. This is true magnanimity--Muntz is a noble fellow! and the
+lasting gratitude of the House is due to him and his _hairs_ for ever.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+FASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE.
+
+It is expected that Mr. Snooks and family will pass the winter at
+Battersea, as the warmth of the climate is strongly recommended for the
+restoration of the health of Mrs. Snooks, who is in a state of such
+alarming delicacy, as almost to threaten a realisation of the fears of her
+best friends and the hopes of the black-job master who usually serves the
+family.
+
+Mr. Snivins gave a large tea-party, last week, at Greenwich, where the
+boiling water was supplied by the people of the house, the essentials
+having been brought by the visitors.
+
+Mr. Popkins has left his attic in the New-Cut, for a _tour_ on the Brixton
+tread-mill.
+
+K 32 left his official residence at the station-house, for his beat in
+Leicester-square, and repaired at once to a public-house in the
+neighbourhood, where he had an audience of several pickpockets.
+
+We are authorised to state, that there is no foundation whatever for the
+report that a certain well-known policeman is about to lead to the altar a
+certain unknown lady. The rumour originated in his having been seen
+leading her before the magistrate.
+
+Dick Wiggins transacted business yesterday in Cold Bath-fields, and picked
+the appointed quantity of oakum.
+
+Mr. Baron Nathan has left Margate for Kennington. We have not heard
+whether he was accompanied by the Baroness. The Honourable Miss Nathan,
+when we last heard of her, was dancing a hornpipe among a shilling's worth
+of new laid eggs, at Tivoli.
+
+A few minutes after Sir Robert Peel left Privy-Gardens, in a carriage and
+four, for Claremont, Sam Snoxell jumped up behind the Brighton stage, from
+which he descended, after having been whipped down, at Kennington.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+IMPORTANT INVENTION.
+
+The celebrated _savant_ Sir Peter Laurie, whose scientific labours to
+discover the cause of the variation of the weathercock on Bow Church, have
+astonished the Lord Mayor and the Board of Aldermen, has lately turned his
+attention to the subject of railroads. The result of his profound
+cogitations has been highly satisfactory. He has produced a plan for a
+railway on an entirely new principle, which will combine cheapness and
+security in an extraordinary degree. We have been favoured with a view of
+the inventor's plans, and we have no hesitation in saying that, if
+adopted, the most timid person may, with perfect safety, take
+
+[Illustration: A RIDE ON  THE RAIL.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE BATTLE AND THE BREEZE.
+
+Our readers are informed that, despite the belligerent character of the
+correspondence between the fierce Fitz-Roy and the "Gentle" Shepherd,
+although it came to a slight _blow_, there is nothing to warrant an
+anticipation of their
+
+[Illustration: GETTING UP THE BREEZE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE FASTING PHENOMENON.
+
+The Tories have engaged Bernard Cavanagh, the Irish fasting phenomenon, to
+give lectures on his system of abstinence, which they think might be
+beneficially introduced amongst the working-classes of England. This is a
+truly Christian principle of government, for while the people _fast_, the
+ministers will not fail to _prey_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+TORY BOONS.
+
+_Air_.--"NORA CREINA"
+
+  The Whigs they promised every day
+    To cure the ills which did surround us;
+  It should have been, "no cure, no pay!"
+    For now we're worse than when they found us.
+  The Tory clique at length are in,
+    And vow that they will save the nation,
+  So kindly give us, to begin--
+    Exchequer bills and ventilation.
+      Oh! the artful Tories _dear_,
+        Oh! the _dear_, the artful Tories
+      They alone perceive, 'tis clear,
+        That taxes tend to England's glories.
+
+  The Whigs declared cheap bread was good;
+    To satisfy the people's cravings
+  They tried to take the tax off wood--
+    Lord knows what might be done with shavings!
+  The Tories vow these schemes were wrong,
+    And adverse to good legislation;
+  Therefore, propose (so runs our song)--
+    Exchequer bills and ventilation.
+      Oh! the artful Tories _dear_,
+        Oh! the _dear_ and artful Tories;
+      They alone perceive, 'tis clear,
+        Taxes tend to England's glories.
+
+  The Whigs became the poor man's foe,
+    Mix'd ashes in his cup of sorrow;
+  Nor thought the pauper's "lot of woe,"
+    Perchance might be their own to-morrow.
+  The Tories said they were his friend,
+    That they abhorr'd procrastination;
+  So give--till next July shall end--
+    Exchequer bills and ventilation.
+      Oh! the artful Tories _dear_,
+        Oh! the _dear_ and artful Tories;
+      They alone perceive, 'tis clear,
+        Taxes tend to England's glories.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+RECREATION FOR THE PUBLIC.
+
+Sir Robert Peel seems impressed with the necessity of providing the
+citizens of London with additional parks, where they may recreate
+themselves, and breathe the free air of heaven. But, strange as it may
+seem, the people cannot live on fresh air, unaccompanied by some stomachic
+of a more substantial nature; yet they are forbidden to grumble at the
+diet, or, if they do, they are silenced according to the good old Tory
+plan of
+
+[Illustration: OPENING A PARK FOR THE PEOPLE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Colonel Sibthorp thinks he recollects having been Hannibal once--long
+ago--although he cannot account for his having been beaten in the _Pun_-ic
+war.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LIGHT OF ALL NATIONS.
+
+The public are aware that this important national undertaking, which is
+now about to be commenced, is to be a prodigious cast-iron light-house on
+the Goodwin Sands. Peter Borthwick and our Sibby are already candidates
+for the office of universal illuminators. Peter rests his claims chiefly
+on the brilliancy of his ideas, as exemplified in his plan for lighting
+the metropolis with bottled moonshine; while Sib. proudly refers to our
+columns for imperishable evidences of the intensity of his wit, conscious
+that these alone would entitle him to be called "the light of all
+nations." We trust that Sir Robert Peel will exercise a sound discretion
+in bestowing this important situation. Highly as we esteem Peter's
+dazzling talents--profoundly as we admire his bottled moonshine scheme--we
+feel there is no man in the world more worthy of being elevated to the
+lantern than our refulgent friend Sibthorp.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A SHORT TREATISE OF DRAMATIC CASUALTIES.
+
+VERY PROFITABLE TO READ.
+
+Let our Treatise of Dramatic Casualties be that which treateth of the
+misfortunes contingent upon the profession of dramatic authors. Now, of
+unfortunate dramatic authors there be two grand kinds--namely, they that
+be unfortunate before the production of their works, and they that be
+unfortunate after the production of their works.
+
+And first, among them that be unfortunate before the production of their
+works may he enumerated--
+
+    1.--He that, having but one manuscript of his piece leaveth the
+        same with the manager for inspection, and it falleth out that
+        he seeth it no more, neither heareth thereof.
+
+    2.--He that having translated a piece from the French, and bestowed
+        thereon much time, findeth himself forestalled.
+
+    3.--He that, having written a pantomime, carrieth it in his pocket,
+        and straight there cometh a dishonest person, who, taking the
+        same, selleth it for waste paper.
+
+    4.--He that presenteth his piece to all the theatres in succession,
+        and lo! it ever returneth, accompanied with a polite note
+        expressive of disapprobation or the like.
+
+    5.--He whose piece is approved by the manager, but, nevertheless,
+        the same produceth it not, for divers reasons, which do vary at
+        every interview.
+
+    6.--He that communicateth the idea of a yet unwritten drama to a
+        friend, who, being of a fair wit, and prompt withal, useth the
+        same to his own ends and reapeth the harvest thereof.
+
+And secondly, of them that be unfortunate after the production of their
+works, there be some whose pieces are successful, and there be some whose
+pieces are not successful.
+
+And firstly, of unfortunate authors whose pieces are unsuccessful there
+be--
+
+    1.--Those who write a piece which faileth through its own demerits,
+        which may be, as--
+
+        A.--He that writeth a farce or comedy, and neglecteth to
+            introduce jokes in the same.
+
+        B.--He that writeth a farce or comedy, and introduceth bad
+            jokes in the same.
+
+        C.--He that writeth a farce or comedy, and introduceth old
+            jokes in the same.
+
+        D.--He that writeth a tragedy, and introduceth matter for
+            merriment therein.
+
+        E.--He that, in either tragedy, comedy, farce, or other
+            entertainment, shocketh the propriety of the audience, or
+            causeth a division in the same, by political allusions.
+
+    2.--He that writeth a piece which faileth, though not through its
+        own demerits, which may be, as--
+
+      A.--When the principal actor, not having the author's words by
+          heart, and being of a suggestive wit and good assurance,
+          substituteth others, which he deemeth sufficient.
+
+      B.--When the principal actor, not having the author's words by
+          heart, and being of a dull and heavy turn, and deaf withal,
+          substituteth nothing, but standeth aghast, yearning for the
+          voice of the prompter.
+
+      C.--When the scene-shifter ingeniously introduceth a forest into
+          a bed-chamber, or committeth the like incongruity, marvellous
+          pleasant and mirthful to behold, but in no way conducive to
+          success.
+
+      D.--When pistols or other fire-arms do miss fire; when red fire
+          igniteth not, or igniteth the scenes; when a trap-door
+          refuseth to open, a rope to draw, and the like.
+
+      E.--When the author intrusteth his principal part to a new actor,
+          and it falleth out that the same doth grievously offend the
+          audience, who straight insist that he do quit the stage,
+          whereby the ruin of the piece is consummated.
+
+      F.--Likewise there be misfortunes that arise from the audience;
+          as, when at a momentous point of the plot there entereth one
+          heated with liquor, and causeth a disturbance, or a woman
+          with a huge bonnet becometh the subject of a discussion as to
+          her right to wear the same, and impede the view of them that
+          be behind; also when there cometh in a ruffian, or more, in a
+          pea-coat, who having been charged by an enemy to work the
+          ruin of the piece, endeavoureth to do the same, by dint of
+          hisses or other unseemly noises, all of which be highly
+          pernicious.
+
+Secondly, of those unfortunate authors who have been successful, there
+be--
+
+    1.--He whose piece, albeit successful, is withdrawn to make room
+        for the Christmas pantomine, Easter piece, or other
+        entertainment equally cherished by the manager, who thereupon
+        groundeth a plea of non-payment.
+
+    2.--He who being a creditor of the manager, and the same being
+        unable to meet his obligations, by an ingenious contrivance of
+        the law becometh cleansed thereof, an operation which hath been
+        conceitedly termed "whitewashing."
+
+    3.--He that writeth a piece with a friend, and the same claimeth
+        the entire authorship thereof and emolument therefrom.
+
+And there be divers other calamities which we have neither space nor time
+to enumerate, but which be all incentives to abstain from dramatic
+writing.
+
+PERDITUS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH'S THEATRE.
+
+JACK KETCH; OR, A LEAF FROM TYBURN TREE.
+
+Modern legislation is chiefly remarkable for its oppressive interference
+with the elegant amusements of the mob. Bartholomew-fair is abolished;
+bull-baiting, cock-pits, and duck-hunts are put down by act of Parliament;
+prize-fighting, by the New Police--even those morally healthful
+exhibitions, formerly afforded opposite the Debtors' Door of Newgate, for
+the sake of _example_--that were attended by idlers in hundreds, and
+thieves in thousands--are fast growing into disuse. The "masses" see no
+pleasure now: even the hanging-matches are cut off.
+
+Deeply compassionating the effects of so illiberal an innovation, Mr. G.
+Almar the author to, and Mr. R. Honner the proprietor of, Sadler's Wells
+Theatre, have produced an exhibition which in a great degree makes up for
+the infrequent performances at the Old Bailey. Those whose moral
+sensibilities are refined to the choking point--who can relish stage
+strangulation in all its interesting varieties better than Shakspere, are
+now provided with a rich treat. They need not wait for the Recorder's
+black cap and a black Monday morning--the Sadler's Wells' people hang
+every night with great success; for, unless one goes early, there is--as
+is the case wherever hanging takes place--no _standing room_ to be had for
+love or money.
+
+The play is simply the history of Jack Ketch, a gentleman who flourished
+at the beginning of the last century, and who, by industry and
+perseverance, attained to the rank of public executioner; an office he
+performed with such skill and effect that his successors have, as the
+bills inform us, inherited "his soubriquet" with his office. He is
+introduced to the audience as a ropemaker's apprentice, living in the
+immediate neighbourhood of Execution-Dock, and loving _Barbara Allen_, "a
+young spinster residing at the Cottage of Content, upon the borders of
+Epping Forest, supporting herself by the produce of her wheel and the
+cultivation of her flower-garden." He beguiles his time, while twisting
+the hemp, by spinning a tedious yarn about this well-to-do spinster; from
+which we infer _Barbara's_ barbarity, and that he is crossed in love. The
+soliloquy is interrupted by an elderly man, who enters to remark that he
+has come out for a little relaxation after a hard morning's work: no
+wonder, for we soon learn that he is the _Jack Ketch_ of his day, and has,
+but an hour before, tucked up two brace of pirates. With this pleasing
+information, and a sharp dialogue on his favourite subject with the hero,
+he retires.
+
+Here the interest begins; three or four foot-stamps are heard behind;
+_Jack_ starts--"Ah, that noise," &c.--and on comes the author of the
+piece, "his first appearance here these five years." He approaches the
+foot-lights--he turns up his eyes--he thumps his breast--and goes through
+this exercise three or four times, before the audience understand that
+they are to applaud. They do so; and the play goes on as if nothing had
+happened; for this is an episode expressive of a "first appearance these
+five years." _Gipsy George_ or Mr. G. Almar, whichever you please, having
+assured _Jack Ketch_ that he is starving and in utter destitution,
+proceeds to give five shillings for a piece of rope, and walks away, after
+taking great pains to assure everybody that he is going to hang himself.
+Before, however, he has had time to make the first coil of a hempen
+collar, _Jack_ looks off, and descries the stranger in the last agonies of
+strangulation, amidst the most deafening applause from the audience, whose
+disgust is indignantly expressed by silence when he exits to cut the man
+down. Their delight is only revived by the apparition of _Gipsy George_,
+pale and ghastly, _with the rope round his neck_, and the exclamation that
+he is "done for." _Barabbas_, the hangman, who re-appears with the rest,
+is upbraided by _Jack_ for coolly looking on and letting the man hang
+himself, without raising an alarm. Mr. B. answers, that "it was no
+business of his." Like Sir Robert Peel and the rest of the profession, it
+was evidently his maxim not to interfere, unless "regularly called in."
+The _Gipsy_, so far from dying, recovers sufficiently to make to _Jack_
+some important disclosures; but of that mysterious kind peculiar to
+melodrama, by which nobody is the wiser. They, however, bear reference to
+_Jack's_ deceased father, a clasp-knife, a certain _Sir Gregory_ of "the
+gash," and the four gentlemen so recently suspended at Execution-Dock.
+
+The residence of Content and Barbara Allen is a scene, the minute
+correctness of which it would be wicked to doubt, when the bills so
+solemnly guarantee that it is copied from the "best authorities."
+_Barbara_ opens the door, makes a curtsey, produces a purse, and after
+saying she is going to pay her rent, is, by an ingenious contrivance of
+the Sadler's Wells' Shakspere, confronted with her landlord, the _Sir
+Gregory_ before-mentioned. All stage-landlords are villains, who prefer
+seduction to rent, and he of the "gash" is no exception. The struggle,
+rescue, and duel, which follow, are got through in no time. The last would
+certainly have been fatal, had not the assailant's servant come on to
+announce that "a gentleman wished to speak to him at his own residence."
+The lover (who is of course the rescuer) deems this a sufficient excuse to
+let off his antagonist without a scratch; _Barbara_ rewards him with an
+embrace and a rose, just as another rival intrudes himself in the person
+of _Mr. John Ketch_. The altercation which now ensues is but slight; for
+_Jack_, instead of fighting, goes off to Fairlop-fair with another young
+lady, who seems to come upon the stage for no other purpose than to oblige
+him. At the fair we find _Jack's_ spirits considerably damped by the
+prediction of a gipsy, that he will marry a hangman's daughter; but, after
+the jumping in sacks, which forms a part of the sports, he rescues
+_Barbara_ from being once more assailed by her landlord. Thereupon another
+component of the festive scene--our friend the hangman--declares that she
+is his daughter! "Horror" tableau, and end of Act I.
+
+After establishing a lapse of four years between the acts, the author
+takes high ground;--we are presented with the summit of Primrose-hill, St.
+Paul's in the distance, and a gentleman with black clothes, and literary
+habits, reading in the foreground. This turns out to be "The Laird
+Lawson," _Barbara's_ favoured lover and benevolent duellist. Though on the
+top of Cockney Mount, he is suffering under a deep depression of spirits;
+for he has never seen _Miss Allen_ during four years, come next
+Fairlop-fair. Having heard this, the audience is, of course, quite
+prepared for that lady's appearance; and, sure enough, on she comes,
+accounting for her presence with great adroitness:--having left the city
+to go to Holloway, she is taking a short cut over Primrose-hill. The
+lovers go through the mode of recognition never departed from at minor
+theatres, with the most frantic energy, and have nearly hugged themselves
+out of breath, when the executioner papa interrupts the blissful scene,
+without so much as saying how he got there; but "finishers" are mysterious
+beings. _Barabbas_ denounces the laird; and when his consent is asked for
+the hand of _Miss Barbara_, tells the lover "he will see him hanged
+first!"
+
+The moon, a dark stage, and _Jack Ketch_ in the character of a foot-pad,
+now add to the romance of the drama. Not to leave anything unexplained,
+the hero declares, that he has cut the walk of life he formerly trod in
+the rope ditto, and has been induced to take to the road solely by Fate,
+brandy and (not salt, but) _Barbara!_ By some extraordinary accident,
+every character in the piece, with two exceptions, have occasion to tread
+this scene--"Holloway and heath near the village of Holloway" (painted
+from the best authorities), just exactly in time to be robbed by _Ketch_;
+who shows himself a perfect master of his business, and a credit to his
+instructor; for _Gipsy George_ rewards _Jack_ for saving him from hanging,
+by showing his friend the shortest way to the gallows.
+
+In the following scene, the plot breaks out in a fresh place. The man with
+the "gash," and _Gipsy George_ are together, going over some youthful
+reminiscences. It seems that once upon a time there were six pirates; four
+were those pendents from the gibbet at Execution-Dock one hears so much
+about at the commencement; the fifth is the speaker, _Gipsy George_; and
+"you," exclaims that person, striking an attitude, and addressing _Sir
+Gregory_, "make up the half-dozen!" They all formerly did business in a
+ship called the "Morning Star," and whenever the ex-pirate number five is
+in pecuniary distress, he bawls out into the ear of _ci-devant_ pirate
+number six, the words "Morning Star!" and a purse of hush-money is forked
+out in a trice. In this manner _Gipsy George_ accumulates, by the end of
+the piece, a large property; for six or eight purses, all ready filled for
+each occasion, thus pass into his pockets.
+
+The "best authorities" furnish us, next, with an interior; that of "the
+Mug, a chocolate house and tavern," where a new plot is hatched against
+the crown and dignity of the late respected George the First, by a party
+of Jacobites. These consist of a half-dozen of Hanoverian Whigs, who
+enter, duly decorated with an equal number of hats of every variety of
+cock and cockade. The heroine seems to have engaged herself here as
+waitress, on purpose to meet her persecutor, _Sir Gregory_, and her late
+lover, _Jack Ketch_. What comes of this rencontre it is impossible to make
+out, for a general _melee_ ensues, caused by a discovery of the plot;
+which is by no means a gunpowder plot; for although a file of soldiers
+present their arms for several minutes full at the conspirators, not a
+single musket goes off. Perhaps gunpowder was expensive in the reign of
+George the First. _Jack Ketch_ ends the act with a dream--an _apropos
+finale_, for we caught several of our neighbours napping. The scene in
+which this vision takes place is the crowning result of the painter's
+researches amongst the "best authorities;" it being no less than "a garret
+in Grub-street, _in which the great Daniel De Foe composed his romance of
+Robinson Crusoe!!_"
+
+A fishing-party--whose dulness is relieved by a suicide--opens the last
+act: one of the anglers having finished a comic song--which from its
+extreme gravity forms an appropriate dirge to the forthcoming
+felo-de-se--goes off with his companion to leave the water clear for
+_Barbara Allen_, who enters, takes an affecting leave of her laird lover,
+and straightway drowns herself. _Jack Ketch_ is now, by a rapid change of
+scene, discovered in limbo, and condemned to death; why, we were too
+stupid to make out. The fatal cart--very likely modelled after "the best
+authorities"--next occupies the stage, drawn by a real horse, and filled
+with _Sir Gregory Gash_ (who it seems is going to be hanged) and _Jack
+Ketch_ not as a prisoner, but as an officer of the crown; for we are to
+suppose that _Mr. Barabbas_, having retired from the public scaffold to
+private life, has seceded in favour of _Jack Ketch_, who is saved from the
+rope himself, on condition of his using it upon the person of _Sir
+Gregory_ and every succeeding criminal. All the characters come on with
+the cart, and a _denouement_ evidently impends. The distracted lover
+demands of somebody to restore his mistress, which _Gipsy George_ is
+really so polite as to do; for although the bills expressly inform us she
+has committed "suicide," and we have actually seen her jump into the river
+Lea; yet there she is safe and sound!--carefully preserved in an envelope
+formed partly by the _Gipsy_ himself, and partly by his cloak. She, of
+course, embraces her lover, and leaves _Jack Ketch_ to embrace his
+profession with what appetite he may; all, in fact, ends happily, and _Sir
+Gregory_ goes off to be hanged.
+
+This, then, is the state to which the founders of the Newgate school of
+dramatic literature, and the march of intellect, have brought us. Nothing
+short of actual hanging--the most revolting and repulsive of all possible
+subjects to enter, much less to dwell in any mind not actually
+savage--must now be provided to meet the refined taste of play-goers. In
+the present instance, nothing but the actual _spiciness_ of the subject
+saved the piece from the last sentence of even Sadler's Wells' critical
+law; for in construction and detail, it is the veriest mass of incoherent
+rubbish that was ever shot upon the plains of common sense. The sketch we
+have made is in no one instance exaggerated. Our readers may therefore
+easily judge whether we speak truly or not.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH AT THE NEW STRAND.
+
+When Napoleon first appeared before the grand army after his return from
+Elba--when Queen Victoria made her _debut_ at the assemblage of her first
+parliament--when Kean performed "Othello" at Drury Lane immediately after
+he had caused a certain friend of his to play the same part in the Court
+of King's Bench--the public mind was terribly agitated, and the public's
+legs instinctively carried them, on each occasion, to behold those great
+performers. When--to give these circumstances their highest
+application,--"Punch," on Thursday last, came out in the regular drama,
+the excitement was no less intense. Boxes were besieged; the pit was
+choked up, and the gallery creaked with its celestial encumbrance.
+
+As the curtain drew up, there would have been a death-like silence but for
+the unparalleled sales that were taking place in apples, oranges, and
+ginger-beer. Expectation was on tip-toe, as were the persons occupying
+that department of the theatre called "standing-room." The looked-for
+moment came; the "drop" ascended, and the spectators beheld _Mr. Dionysius
+Swivel_, a pint of ale, and Punch's theatre!
+
+"Tragedy," saith the Aristotelian recipe for cooking up a serious drama,
+"should have the probable, the marvellous, and the pathetic." In the
+_tableau_ thus presented, the audience beheld the three conditions
+strictly complied with all at once. "It was highly probable," as _Mr.
+Swivel_ observed to the source of pipes, 'bacca, and malt--in other words,
+to the landlady he was addressing--that his master, the showman, was
+unable to pay the score he had run up; it was marvellous that the
+proprietor of so popular a puppet as "Punch" should not have even the
+price of a pint of ale in his treasury; lastly, that circumstance was
+deeply pathetic; for what so heart-rending as the exhibition of fallen
+greatness, of broken-down prosperity, of affluence regularly stumped and
+hard-up! The fact is, that "Punch," his theatre, and _corps dramatique_,
+are in pawn for eight-and-ninepence!
+
+In the midst of this distress there appears a young gentleman, giving vent
+to passionate exclamations, while furiously buttoning up a tight surtout.
+The object of his love is the daughter of the object of his hate. _Mr.
+Snozzle_, having previously made his bow, overhears him, and being the
+acting manager of "Punch," and having a variety of plots for rescuing
+injured lovers from inextricable difficulties on hand, offers one of them
+to the lover, considerably over cost price; namely, for the
+puppet-detaining eight-and-ninepence, and a glass of brandy-and-water. The
+bargain being struck, the scene changes.
+
+To the happiness of being the possessor of "Punch," _Mr. Snozzle_ adds
+that of having a wonderful wife--a lady of universal talents; who dances
+in spangled shoes, plays on the tamburine, and sings Whitechapel French
+like a native. This inestimable creature has already gone round the town
+on a singing, dancing, and cash-collecting expedition; accompanied by the
+drum, mouth-organ, and _Swivel_. We now find her enchanting the
+flinty-hearted father, _Old Fellum_. Having been instrumental, by means of
+her vocal abilities, in drawing from him a declaration of amorous
+attachment and half-a-crown, she retires, to bury herself in the arms of
+her husband, and to eradicate the score, recorded in chalk, at _Mrs.
+Rummer's_ hotel.
+
+In the meantime _Snozzle_, having sold a plot, proceeds to fulfil the
+bargain by executing it. He enters with PUNCH'S theatre, to treat _Old
+Fellum_ with a second exhibition, and his daughter with an elopement; for
+in the midst of the performance the young lady detects the big drum in the
+act of "winking at her;" and she soon discovers that PUNCH'S orchestra is
+no other than her own lover. _Fellum_ is delighted with the show, to which
+he is attentive enough to allow of the lovers' escaping. He pursues them
+when it is too late, and having been so precipitate in his exit as to
+remember to forget to pay for his amusement, _Swivel_ steals a handsome
+cage, parrot included.
+
+Good gracious! what a scene of confusion and confabulation next takes
+place! _Fellum's_ first stage in pursuit is the public-house; there he
+unwittingly persuades _Mrs. Snozzle_ that her spouse is unfaithful--that
+_he_ it was who "stole away the old man's daughter." _Mrs. Snozzle_ raves,
+and threatens a divorce; _Snozzle_ himself trembles--he suspects the
+police are after him for being the receiver of stolen goods, instead of
+the deceiver of unsuspecting virtue. _Swivel_ dreads being taken up for
+prigging the parrot; and a frightful catastrophe is only averted by the
+entrance of the truant lovers, who have performed the comedy of
+"Matrimony" in a much shorter time than is allowed by the act of
+Parliament.
+
+Mrs. Keeley played the tamburine, and the part of _Snozzle femme_. This
+was more than acting; it was nature enriched with humour--character
+broadly painted without a tinge of caricature. The solemnity of her
+countenance, while performing with her feet, was a correct copy from the
+expression of self-approbation--of the wonder-how-I-do-it-so-well--always
+observable during the dances of the _fair_ sex; her tones when singing
+were unerringly brought from the street; her spangled dress was assuredly
+borrowed from Scowton's caravan. As a work of dramatic art, this
+performance is, of its kind, most complete. Keeley's _Snozzle_ was quiet,
+rich, and philosophical; and Saunders made a Judy of himself with
+unparalleled success. _Frank Finch_ got his deserts in the hands of a Mr.
+Everett; for being a lover, no matter how awkward and ungainly an actor is
+made to represent him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"OH! DAY AND NIGHT, BUT THIS IS WONDROUS STRANGE!"
+
+    "We believe, from the first, _Day_ was intended to mount, and
+    wherefore it was made a mystery we know not.--DOINGS AT
+    DONCASTER."--[Sunday Times.]
+
+  Poor Coronation well may say,
+    "A mystery I mark;
+  Though jockey'd by the _lightest Day_
+    They tried to keep me dark."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+1, September 25, 1841, by Various
+
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