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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1,
+September 25, 1841, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, September 25, 1841
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14929]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 1.
+
+
+
+FOR THE WEEK ENDING SEPTEMBER 25, 1841.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE HEIR OF APPLEBITE.
+
+CHAPTER V.
+
+SHOWS THAT "THERE'S MANY A SLIP" BETWEEN OTHER THINGS BESIDE "THE CUP AND
+THE LIP."
+
+[Illustration: T]The heir of Applebite continued to squall and thrive, to
+the infinite delight of his youthful mamma, who was determined that the
+joyful occasion of his cutting his first tooth should be duly celebrated
+by an evening party of great splendour; and accordingly cards were issued
+to the following effect:--
+
+          MR. AND MRS. APPLEBITE
+          REQUEST THE HONOUR OF
+              ----  ----'s
+        COMPANY TO AN EVENING PARTY,
+        On Thursday, the 12th inst.
+    _Quadrilles_.     _An Answer will oblige_.
+
+It was the first home-made party that Collumpsion had ever given; for
+though during his bachelorhood he had been no niggard of his hospitality,
+yet the confectioner had supplied the edibles, and the upholsterer
+arranged the decorations; but now Mrs. Applebite, with a laudable spirit
+of economy, converted No. 24, Pleasant-terrace, into a perfect _cuisine_
+for a week preceding the eventful evening; and old John was kept in a
+constant state of excitement by Mrs. Waddledot, who superintended the
+ornamental department of these elaborate preparations.
+
+Agamemnon felt that he was a cipher in the house, for no one condescended
+to notice him for three whole days, and it was with extreme difficulty
+that he could procure the means of "recruiting exhausted nature" at those
+particular hours which had hitherto been devoted to the necessary
+operation.
+
+On the morning of the 12th, Agamemnon was anxiously engaged in
+endeavouring to acquire a knowledge of the last alterations in the figure
+of _La Pastorale_, when he fancied he heard an unusual commotion in the
+lower apartments of his establishment. In a few moments his name was
+vociferously pronounced by Mrs. Applebite, and the affrighted Collumpsion
+rushed down stairs, expecting to find himself another Thyestes, whose
+children, it is recorded, were made into a pie for his own consumption.
+
+On entering the kitchen he perceived the cause of the uproar, although he
+could see nothing else, for the dense suffocating vapour with which the
+room was filled.
+
+"Oh dear!" said Mrs. Applebite, "the chimney's on fire; one pound of fresh
+butter--"
+
+"And two pound o'lard's done it!" exclaimed Susan.
+
+"What's to be done?" inquired Collumpsion.
+
+"Send for my brother, sir," said Betty.
+
+"Where does he live?" cried old John.
+
+"On No. 746," replied Betty.
+
+"Where's that?" cried the whole assembled party.
+
+"I don't know, but it's a hackney-coach as he drives," said Betty.
+
+A general chorus of "Pshaw!" greeted this very unsatisfactory rejoinder.
+Another rush of smoke into the kitchen rendered some more active measures
+necessary, and, after a short discussion, it was decided that John and
+Betty should proceed to the roof of the house with two pailsful of water,
+whilst Agamemnon remained below to watch the effects of the measure. When
+John and Betty arrived at the chimney-pots, the pother was so confusing,
+that they were undecided which was the rebellious flue! but, in order to
+render assurance doubly sure, they each selected the one they conceived to
+be the delinquent, and discharged the contents of their buckets
+accordingly, without any apparent diminution of the intestine war which
+was raging in the chimney. A fresh supply from a cistern on the roof,
+similarly applied, produced no better effects, and Agamemnon, in an agony
+of doubt, rushed up-stairs to ascertain the cause of non-abatement.
+Accidentally popping his head into the drawing-room, what was his horror
+at beholding the beautiful Brussels carpet, so lately "redolent of
+brilliant hues," one sheet of inky liquid, into which Mrs. Waddledot (who
+had followed him) instantly swooned. Agamemnon, in his alarm, never
+thought of his wife's mother, but had rushed half-way up the next flight
+of stairs, when a violent knocking arrested his ascent, and, with the fear
+of the whole fire-brigade before his eyes, he re-rushed to open the door,
+the knocker of which kept up an incessant clamour both in and out of the
+house. The first person that met his view was a footman, 25, dyed with the
+same sooty evidence of John and Betty's exertions, as he had encountered
+on entering his own drawing-room. The dreadful fact flashed upon
+Collumpsion's mind, and long before the winded and saturated servant could
+detail the horrors he had witnessed in "his missuses best bed-room, in No.
+25," the bewildered proprietor of No. 24 was franticly shaking his
+innocently offending menials on the leads of his own establishment. Then
+came a confused noise of little voices in the street, shouting and
+hurraing in the fulness of that delight which we regret to say is too
+frequently felt by the world at large at the misfortunes of one in
+particular. Then came the sullen rumble of the parish engine, followed by
+violent assaults on the bell and knocker, then another huzza! welcoming
+the extraction of the fire-plug, and the sparkling fountain of "New
+River," which followed as a providential consequence. Collumpsion again
+descended, as John had at last discovered the right chimney, and having
+inundated the stewpans and the kitchen, had succeeded in extinguishing the
+sooty cause of all these disasters. The mob had, by this time, increased
+to an alarming extent. Policemen were busily employed in making a ring for
+the exhibition of the water-works--little boys were pushing each other
+into the flowing gutters--small girls, with astonished infants in their
+arms, were struggling for front places against the opposite railings; and
+every window, from the drawing-rooms to the attics, in Pleasant-terrace
+were studded with heads, in someway resembling the doll heads in a
+gingerbread lottery, with which a man on a wooden leg was tempting the
+monied portion of the juvenile alarmists. Agamemnon opened the door, and
+being flanked by the whole of his household, proceeded to address the
+populace on the present satisfactory state of his kitchen chimney. The
+announcement was received by expressions of extreme disgust, as though
+every auditor considered that a fire ought to have taken place, and that
+they had been defrauded of their time and excitement, and that the
+extinguishing of the same by any other means than by legitimate engines
+was a gross imposition. He was about remonstrating with them on the
+extreme inconvenience which would have attended a compliance with their
+reasonable and humane objections, when his eloquence was suddenly cut
+short by a _jet d'eau_ which a ragged urchin directed over him, by
+scientifically placing his foot over the spouting plug-hole. This clever
+manoeuvre in some way pacified the crowd, and after awaiting the
+re-appearance of the parish engineer, who had insisted on a personal
+inspection of the premises, they gave another shout of derision and
+departed.
+
+Thus commenced the festivities to celebrate the advent of the first tooth
+of the Heir of Applebite.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+GRAVESEND.
+
+(_From our own Correspondent_.)
+
+This delightful watering-place is filled with beauty and fashion, there
+being lots of large curls and small bonnets in every portion of the town
+and neighbourhood.
+
+We understand it is in contemplation to convert the mud on the banks of
+the river into sand, in order that the idea of the sea-side may be
+realised as far as possible. Two donkey cart-loads have already been laid
+down by way of experiment, and the spot on which they were thrown was
+literally thronged with pedestrians. The only difficulty likely to arise
+is, that the tide washes the sand away, and leaves the mud just as usual.
+
+The return of the imports and exports shows an immense increase in the
+prosperity of this, if not salubrious sea-port, at least healthy
+watercourse. It seems that the importation of Margate slippers this year,
+as compared with that of the last, has been as two-and-three-quarters to
+one-and-a-half, or rather more than double, while the consumption of
+donkeys has been most gratifying, and proves beyond doubt that the
+pedestrians and equestrians are not so numerous by any means as the
+asinestrians. The first round of a new ladder for ascending the balconies
+of the bathing-rooms was laid on Wednesday, amidst an inconvenient
+concourse of visitors. With the exception of a rap on the toes received by
+those who pressed so much on the carpenter employed as to retard the
+progress of his work, all passed off quietly. After the ceremony, the man
+was regaled by the proprietor of the rooms with some beer, at the tap of
+the neighbouring hotel for families and gentlemen.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF GUFFAW.
+
+SCRUPULOUSLY PREPARED FROM THE RECIPE OF THE LATE
+
+MR. JOSEPH MILLER,
+
+AND PATRONISED BY
+
+THE ROYAL FAMILY,
+
+THE TWELVE JUDGES, THE LORD CHANCELLOR, THE SWELL MOB, MR. HOBLER, AND THE
+COURT OF ALDERMEN;
+
+ALSO BY THE
+
+COMMISSIONERS OF POLICE, THE SEXTON OF ST. MARYLEBONE, THE PHOENIX LIFE
+ASSURANCE COMPANY, THE KING OF THE SANDWICH ISLANDS,
+
+AND THE
+
+LONDON MISSIONARY SOCIETY.
+
+This inestimable composition, which cures all disorders, and keeps in all
+climates, may be had of every respectable bookseller on the face of the
+globe. Price 3d.
+
+
+TESTIMONIALS.
+
+TO MR. PUNCH.
+
+SIR,--Having incautiously witnessed two consecutive performances of Mr.
+Macready in the "Lady of Lyons," the comic portions of them threw me into
+a state of deep and chronic melancholy, which the various physicians
+employed were unable to cure. Hearing, however, of your excellent
+medicine, I took it regularly every Saturday for five weeks, and am now
+able to go about my daily employment, which being that of a low comedian,
+was materially interfered with by my late complaint.
+
+I remain, with gratitude, yours truly,
+
+JOHN SAUNDERS.
+
+_New Strand Theatre_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SIR,--I was, till lately, private secretary to Lord John Russell. I had to
+copy his somniferous dispatches, to endure a rehearsal of his prosy
+speeches, to get up, at an immense labour to myself, incessant laughs at
+his jokes. At length, by the enormous exertions the last duty imposed upon
+me, I sunk into a hopeless state of cachinnatory impotence: my risible
+muscles refused to perform their office, and I lost mine. I was
+discharged. Fortunately, however, for me, I happened to meet with your
+infallible "Pills to Purge Melancholy," and tried Nos. 1 to 10 inclusive
+of them.
+
+With feelings overflowing with gratitude, I now inform you, that I have
+procured another situation with Sir James Graham; and to show you how
+completely my roaring powers have returned, I have only to state, that it
+was I who got up the screeching applause with which Sir James's recent
+jokes about the Wilde and Tame serjeants were greeted.
+
+I am, Sir, yours,
+
+GEORGE STEPHEN,
+
+Late "over"-Secretary, and Author of the "Canadian Rebellion."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SIR,--Being the proprietor of several weekly newspapers, which I have
+conducted for many years, my jocular powers gradually declined, from hard
+usage and incessant labour, till I was reduced to a state of despair; for
+my papers ceasing to sell, I experienced a complete stoppage of
+circulation.
+
+In this terrible state I had the happiness to meet with your "Essence of
+Guffaw," and tried its effect upon my readers, by inserting several doses
+of your Attic salt in my "New Weekly Messenger," "Planet," &c. &c. The
+effects were wonderful. Their amount of sale increased at every joke, and
+has now completely recovered.
+
+I am, Sir,
+
+JOHN BELL.
+
+_Craven-street, Strand_.
+
+_Note._--This testimonial is gratifying, as the gentleman has hitherto
+failed to acknowledge the source of the wonderful cure we have effected in
+his property.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SIR,--As the author of the facetious political essays in the "Morning
+Herald," it is but due to you that I should candidly state the reason why
+my articles have, of late, so visibly improved.
+
+In truth, sir, I am wholly indebted to you. Feeling a gradual debility
+come over my facetiae, I tried several potions of the "New Monthly" and
+"Bentley's Miscellany," without experiencing the smallest relief. "PUNCH"
+and his "Essence of Guffaw" were, however, most strongly recommended to me
+by my friend the editor of "Cruikshank's Omnibus," who had wonderfully
+revived after taking repeated doses. I followed his example, and am now
+completely re-established in fine, jocular health.
+
+I am, Sir,
+
+THE "_OWN_ CORRESPONDENT."
+
+_Shoe-lane_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Inestimable SIR,--A thousand blessings light upon your head! You have
+snatched a too fond heart from a too early grave. My life-preserver, my
+PUNCH! receive the grateful benedictions of a resuscitated soul, of a
+saved Seraphina Simpkins!
+
+Samuel, dearest PUNCH, was false! He took Jemima to the Pavilion; I
+detected his perfidy, and determined to end my sorrows under the fourth
+arch of Waterloo-bridge.
+
+In my way to the fatal spot I passed--no, I could _not_ pass--your office.
+By chance directed, or by fate constrained, I stopped to read a placard of
+your infallible specific. I bought one dose--it was enough. I have now
+forgotten Samuel, and am happy in the affection of another.
+
+Publish this, if you please; it may be of service to young persons who are
+crossed in love, and in want of straw-bonnets at 3s. 6d. each, best
+Dunstable.
+
+I am, yours,
+
+SERAPHINA SIMPKINS,
+
+Architect of Tuscan, straw, and other bonnets, Lant-street, Borough.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CAUTION.--None are genuine unless duly stamped--with good humour, good
+taste, and good jokes. Observe: "PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, price
+Threepence," is on the cover. Several spurious imitations are abroad, at a
+reduced price, the effects of which are dreadful upon the system.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+W(H)AT TYLER.
+
+The following pictorial joke has been sent to us by Count D'Orsay, which
+he denominates
+
+[Illustration: TILING A FLAT.]
+
+All our attempts to discover the wit of this _tableau d'esprit_ have been
+quite fu-_tile_. Perhaps our readers will be more successful.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A MESMERIC ADVERTISEMENT.
+
+Wanted, by Mons. Lafontaine, a few fine able-bodied young men, who can
+suffer the running of pins into their legs without flinching, and who can
+stare out an ignited lucifer without winking. A few respectable-looking
+men, to get up in the room and make speeches on the subject of the
+mesmeric science, will also be treated with. Quakers' hats and coats are
+kept on the premises. Any little boy who has been accustomed at school to
+bear the cane without wincing will be liberally treated with.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+AN ALARMING STRIKE.
+
+HORACE TWISS, on being told that the workmen employed at the New Houses of
+Parliament struck last week, to the number of 468, declared that he would
+follow their example unless Bob raised his wages.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SIR RHUBARB PILL, M.P. & M.D.
+
+    "Now the Poor Law is the only remedy for all the distresses
+    referred to contained in the whole of the Baronet's
+    speech."--_Morning Chronicle_, Sept. 21.
+
+    Oh! dear Doctor,
+      Great bill
+      And pill
+    Concoctor,
+  Most worthy follower in the steps
+    Of Dr. Epps,
+  And eke that cannie man
+    Old Dr. Hanneman--
+  Two individuals of consummate gumption,
+    Who declare,
+    That whensoe'er
+  The patient's labouring under a consumption,
+  To save him from a trip across the Styx,
+    To ancient Nick's
+    In Charon's shallop,
+  If the consumption be upon the canter,
+  It should be put upon the gallop
+    Instanter;
+  For, "_similia similibus curantur_,"
+    Great medicinal cod
+    (Beating the mode
+  Of old Hippocrates, whom M.D.'s mostly follow,
+    Quite hollow);
+  Which would make
+    A patient take
+  No end of verjuice for the belly-ache;
+  And find, beyond a question,
+    A power of good in
+    A lump of cold plum-pudding
+  For a case of indigestion.
+    And just as sage,
+    In this wise age,
+  'Faith, Dr. Peel, is _your_ law;
+    Which, as a remedy
+    For poverty,
+  Would recommend the Poor Law.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+MATINEE MESMERIQUE
+
+_Or, Procede Humbugaresque._
+
+There is at present in London a gentleman with an enormous beard, who
+professes the science of animal magnetism, and undertakes to deprive of
+sense those who come under his hand; but as those who flock to his
+exhibition have generally left all the sense they possess at home, he
+finds it difficult to accomplish his purposes. If it is animal magnetism
+to send another to sleep, what a series of _Soirees Mesmeriques_ must take
+place in the House of Commons during the sitting of Parliament! There is
+no doubt that Sir Robert Peel is the Lafontaine of political
+mesmerism--_the fountain_ of quackery--and every pass he makes with his
+hand over poor John Bull serves to bring him into that state of
+stupefaction in which he may be most easily victimised. While Lafontaine
+thrusts pins into his patient, the Premier sends poor John into a swoon,
+for the purpose of, as it is vulgarly termed, _sticking it into him_; and
+as the French quack holds lucifers to the nostril, Peel plays the devil
+under the very nose of the paralysed sufferer. One resorts to _electrics_,
+the other to _election tricks_, but each has the same object in view--to
+bring the subject of the operation into a state of unconsciousness. If the
+Premier would give a _Matinee Politique_, it would prove a formidable
+rival to the _Soiree Mesmerique_ of the gentleman in the beard, who seems
+impressed with the now popular idea, that genius and a clean chin are
+wholly incompatible.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+(H)ALL IS LOST NOW!
+
+'Sir B. HALL is still Sir B. Hall. Where is the peerage--the "B-all and
+end-all" of his patriotism? Really the Whigs ought to have given the poor
+dog a bone, considering with what perseverance he has always been
+
+[Illustration: STANDING FOR MARROWBONE (MARYLEBONE).]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+When a person holds an argument with his neighbour on the opposite aide of
+the street, why is there no chance of their agreeing?--Because they argue
+from different _premises_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+NOVEL SUBSCRIPTIONS.
+
+Looking into an Australian paper the other day, we cast our eye over a
+list of subscriptions for the "St. Patrick's Orphan School, Windsor;"
+which, after enumerating several sums, varying from 10l. to _five_
+shillings, ended with the following singular contributions:--
+
+    MR. BURKE--A supply of potatoes.
+    A FRIEND--Five pounds of beef, and a coat.
+    A FRIEND IN NEED--A shoulder of mutton.
+    A POOR WOMAN--A large damper.
+    AN EMIGRANT--Ten quarts of milk.
+    AN EMIGRANT--A frying-pan.
+
+At first we were disposed to be amused with the heterogeneous nature of
+the contributions, but, on reflection, we felt disposed to applaud a plan
+which enabled every one to bestow a portion of any article of which he
+possesses a superabundance. If, for instance, a similar subscription were
+began here, we might expect to find the following contributions:--
+
+    SIR ROBERT PEEL--A large stock of political consistency.
+    LORD LONDONDERRY--An ounce of wit.
+    LORD NORMANBY--A complete copy of "Yes and No."
+    COLONEL SIBTHORP--A calf's-head, garnished.
+    THE BISHOP OF EXETER--His pastoral blessing.
+    LORD MELBOURNE AND LORD JOHN RUSSELL--A pair of cast-off slippers.
+    MR. WAKELY--A dish of Tory flummery.
+    DAN O'CONNELL--A prime lot of
+
+[Illustration: REAL IRISH BUTTER.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SONGS FOR THE SENTIMENTAL.--NO. 7.
+
+  Fair Daphne has tresses as bright as the hue
+    That illumines the west when a summer-day closes;
+  Her eyes seem like violets laden with dew,
+    Her lips will compare with the sweetest of roses.
+  By Daphne's decree I am doom'd to despair,
+    Though ofttimes I've pray'd the fair maid to revoke it.
+  "No--Colin I love"--(thus will Daphne declare)
+    "Put that in your pipe, if you will, sir, and smoke it."
+
+  Once I thought that she loved me (O! fatal deceit),
+    For she wore at the dance the gay wreath I had twined her;
+  She smiled when I swore that I envied each sweet,
+    And vow'd that in love's rosy chains I would bind her.
+  I press'd her soft hand, and a blush dyed her cheek;
+    "Oh! there's love," I exclaim'd, "in that eye's liquid glancing."
+  She spoke, and I think I can _still_ hear her speak--
+    "You know about love what a pig knows of dancing!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+JOE HUM(E)ANITY.
+
+The "late of" Middlesex, during his visit to Switzerland, happened to be
+charged, at a cottage half-way up the Jura, three farthings for seven
+eggs. Astonished and disgusted at the demand, he vehemently declared that
+things were come to a pretty
+
+[Illustration: PASS IN THE MOUNTAINS]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE MINISTERIAL TOP.
+
+We understand Sir James Graham has lately been labouring under severe and
+continued fits of vertigo, produced, as his medical attendants state, by
+his extraordinary propensity for _turning round_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+BERNARD CAVANAGH
+
+AND THE POOR LAW COMMISSIONERS.
+
+It is not generally known that the above gentleman has been officially
+engaged by the eminent and philanthropic pauper-patrons, to put his
+principles into practice throughout the whole of the Unions in the United
+Kingdom.
+
+Knowing the extraordinary appetite of the vulgar for anything approaching
+the unintelligible and marvellous, we feel sorry to be obliged, by a brief
+detail of this gentleman's early life and habits, to divest the present
+phenomenon of much of its apparent wonder and romance.
+
+Mr. Cavanagh was in infancy rather remarkable for the many sleepless
+nights he occasioned his worthy parents by his juvenile intimations that
+fasting at that time was no part of his system. He progressed rapidly in
+his powers of consumption, and was indeed a child of
+
+[Illustration: A FULL HABIT;]
+
+or, as his nurse expressed it, he was _alwaist_ good for three rounds at
+breakfast, not at all to be sneezed at luncheon, anything but bad at
+dinner, hearty at tea (another three-rounder), and very consistent at
+supper.
+
+"Reverse of fortune changes friends"--reverse of circumstances, alas! too
+often changes feeds!--pecuniary disappointments brought on a reduction of
+circumstances--reduction of circumstances occasioned a reduction of meals,
+and the necessity for such reduction being very apparent to a philosophic
+mind, engendered a reduction of craving for the same. Perhaps nothing
+could have proved more generally beneficial than the individual
+misfortunes of Mr. Bernard Cavanagh, which transferred him to one of those
+Elysiums of brick and mortar, the "Poor Law Union." Here, as he himself
+expresses it, the fearful fallacies of his past system were made
+beautifully apparent; he felt as if existence could be maintained by the
+infinitesimal process, so benevolently advocated and regularly prepared,
+that one step more was all that was necessary to arrive at dietary
+perfectibility. That step he took, it being simply, instead of next to
+nothing, to live on nothing at all; and now, such was his opinion of the
+condiments supplied, he declares it to be by far the pleasantest of the
+two.
+
+It has been reported that Mr. Bernard Cavanagh's powers of abstinence have
+their latent origin in enthusiasm. This he confesses to be the case, his
+great admiration for fasting having arisen from the circumstance of his
+frequently seeing the process of manufacturing the pauper gruel, which
+sight filled him with most intense yearnings to hit upon some plan by
+which, as far as he was concerned, he might for ever avoid any
+participation in its consumption.
+
+That immense cigar, the mild Cavanagh! favours us with the following
+practical account of his system; by which he intends, through the means of
+enthusiasm, to render breakfasts a superfluity--luncheons,
+inutilities--dinners, dreadful extravagancies--teas, iniquitous
+wastes--and suppers, supper-erogatories.
+
+Mr. B.C. proposes the instant dismissal, without wages or warning, of all
+the cooks, and substitution of the like number of Ciceros; thereby
+affording a more ample mental diet, as the followers will be served out
+with orations instead of rations. For the proper excitement of the
+necessary enthusiasm, he submits the following Mental Bill of Fare:--
+
+    FOR STRONG STOMACHS AND WEAK INTELLECTS:--
+
+    Feargus O'Connor, as per Crown and Anchor.
+    Mr. Vincent.
+    Mr. Roebuck, with ancestral sauce--very fine, if not pitched too
+        strong.
+    N.B.--In case of surfeit from the above, the editor of the
+        _Times_ may be resorted to as an antidote.
+    Daniel O'Connell--whose successful practice of the exciting and
+        fasting, or rather, starving system, among the rent
+        contributors in Ireland, not only proves the truth of the
+        theory, but enables B.C. to recommend him as the safest dish in
+        the _carte_.
+
+    FOR WEAK STOMACHS AND VERY SMALL IMAGINATIONS:--
+
+    D'Israeli (Ben)--breakfast off the "Wondrous Tale of Alroy."
+    Bulwer--lunch on "Siamese Twins."
+    Stephens--dine off "The Hungarian Daughter."
+    Heraud--tea off "The Deluge,"--sup off the whole Minerva Library.
+    N.B.--None of the above, will bear the slightest dilution.
+
+    FOR DELICATE DIGESTIONS, AND LIMITED UNDERSTANDINGS, PERUSALS OF
+
+    "World of Fashion."
+    Lord John Russell's "Don Carlos."
+    Montgomery's "Satan" (very good as a devil).
+    "Journal of Civilization."
+    Any of F. Chorley's writings, Robins' advertisements, or poetry
+        relating to Warren's Jet Blacking.
+
+    FOR MENTAL BOLTERS
+
+    Ainsworth's "Jack Sheppard."
+    Harmer's "Weekly Dispatch."
+    "Newgate Calendar."
+    "Terrific Register," "Frankenstein," &c. &c. &c.
+
+The above forms a brief abstract of Mr. B.C.'s plan, furnished and
+approved by the Poor Law Commissioners. We are credibly informed that the
+same enlightened gentleman is at present making arrangements with Sir
+Robert Peel for the total repeal of the use of bread by all operatives,
+and thereby tranquillising the present state of excitement upon the
+corn-law question; proving bread, once erroneously considered the staff of
+life, to be nothing more than a mere ornamental opera cane.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SYNCRETIC LITERATURE.
+
+_Concluding remarks on an Epic Poem of Giles Scroggins and Molly Brown._
+
+The circumstance which rendered Giles Scroggins peculiarly ineligible as a
+bridegroom eminently qualified him as a tenant for one of those
+receptacles in which defunct mortals progress to "that bourne from whence
+no traveller returns." Fancy the bereaved Molly, or, as she is in grief,
+and grief is tragical, Mary Brown, denuded of her scarf and black gloves,
+turning faintly from the untouched cake and tasteless wine, and retiring
+to the virtuous couch, whereon, with aching heart, the poet asserts she,
+the said
+
+  "Poor Molly, laid her down to weep;"
+
+and then contemplate her the victim of somnolent consequences, when--
+
+  "She cried herself quite fast asleep,"
+
+Here an ordinary mind might have left the maiden and reverted "to her
+streaming eyes," inflamed lids, dishevelled locks, and bursting sigh, as
+satisfactory evidences of the truth of her broken-heartedness, but the
+"great anonymous" of whom we treat, scorns the application of such
+external circumstances as agents whereby to depict the intenseness of the
+passion of the ten thousand condensed turtle-doves glowing in the bosom of
+_his_ heroine. Sleep falls upon her eyes; but the "life of death," the
+subtle essence of the shrouded soul, the watchful sentinel and viewless
+evidence of immortality, the wild and flitting air-wrought impalpabilities
+of her fitful dreams, still haunt her in her seeming hours of rest. Fancy
+her feelings--
+
+  "When, standing fast by her bed-post,
+  A figure tall her sight engross'd,"
+
+and it cried--
+
+  "'I be's Giles Scroggins' ghost.'"
+
+Such is the frightful announcement commemorative of this visitation from
+the wandering spirit of the erratic Giles. Death has indeed parted them.
+Giles is cold, but still his love is warm! He loved and won her in
+life--he hints at a right of possession in death; and this very
+forgetfulness of what he _was_, and what he _is_, is the best essence of
+the overwhelming intensity of his passion. He continues (with a beautiful
+reliance on the faith and _living_ constancy of Molly, in reciprocation,
+though dead, of his deathless attachment) to offer her a share, not of his
+bed and board, but of his shell and shroud. There is somewhat of the
+imperative in the invitation, which runs thus:--
+
+  "The ghost it said so solemnly,
+  'Oh, Molly, you _must_ go with me,
+  All to the grave, your love to cool.'"
+
+We have no doubt this assumption of command on the part of the ghost--an
+assumption, be it remembered, never ventured upon by the living
+Giles--gave rise to some unpleasant reflections in the mind of the
+slumbering Molly. _Must_ is certainly an awkward word. Tell any lady that
+she _must_ do this, or _must_ do that, and, however much her wishes may
+have previously prompted the proceeding, we feel perfectly satisfied, that
+on the very shortest notice she will find an absolute and undeniable
+reason why such a proceeding is diametrically opposed to the line of
+conduct she _will_, and therefore ought to, adopt.
+
+With an intuitive knowledge of human nature, the great poet purposely uses
+the above objectionable word. How could he do otherwise, or how more
+effectually, and less offensively, extricate Molly Brown from the
+unpleasant tenantry of the proposed under-ground floor? Command invariably
+begets opposition, opposition as certainly leads to argument. So proves
+our heroine, who, with a beautiful evasiveness, delivers the following
+expostulation:--
+
+  "Says she, 'I am not dead, you fool!'"
+
+One would think _that_ was a pretty decent clincher, by way of a reason
+for declining the proposed trip to Giles Scroggins' little property at his
+own peculiar "Gravesend;" but as contradiction begets controversy, and the
+enlightened poet is fully aware of the effect of that cause, the undaunted
+sprite of the interred Giles instantly opposes this, to him, flimsy
+excuse, and upon the peculiar veracity of a wandering ghost, triumphantly
+exclaims, in the poet's words--words that, lest any mistake should arise
+as to the speaker by the peculiar construction of the sentence, are
+rendered _doubly_ individual, for--
+
+  "_Says_ the _ghost_, says _he_, vy that's no rule!"
+
+There's a staggerer! being alive no rule for _not_ being buried! how _is_
+Molly Brown to get out of that high-pressure cleft-stick? how! that's the
+question! Why not in a state of somnolency, not during the "death of each
+day's life; no, it is clear, to escape such a consummation she must be
+wide awake." The poet sees this, and with the energy of a master-mind, he
+brings the invisible chimera of her entranced imagination into effective
+operation. Argument with a man who denies first premises, and we submit
+the assertion that vitality is no exception to the treatment of the dead,
+amounts to that. We say, argument with such a man is worse than nothing;
+it would be fallacious as the Eolian experiment of whistling the most
+inspiriting jigs to an inanimate, and consequently unmusical, milestone,
+opposing a transatlantic thunder-storm with "a more paper than powder"
+"penny cracker," or setting an owl to outstare the meridian sun.
+
+The poet knew and felt this, and therefore he ends the delusion and
+controversy by an overt act:--
+
+  "The ghost then seized her all so grim,
+  All for to go along with him;
+  'Come, come,' said he, 'e'er morning beam.'"
+
+To which she replies with the following determined announcement:--
+
+  "'I von't!' said she, and scream'd a scream,
+  Then she voke, and found she'd dream'd a dream!"
+
+These are the last words we have left to descant upon: they are such as
+should be the last; and, like _Joseph Surface_, "moral to the end." The
+glowing passions the fervent hopes, the anticipated future, of the loving
+pair, all, all are frustrated! The great lesson of life imbues the
+elaborate production; the thinking reader, led by its sublimity to a train
+of deep reflection, sees at once the uncertainty of earthly projects, and
+sighing owns the wholesome, though still painful truth, that the brightest
+sun is ever the first cause of the darkest shadow; and from childhood
+upwards, the blissful visions of our gayest fancy--forced by the cry of
+stern reality--call back the mental wanderer from imaginary bliss, to be
+again the worldly drudge; and, thus awakened to his real state, confess,
+like our sad heroine, Molly Brown, he too, has _dreamt a dream_.
+
+FUSBOS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+FATHER O'FLYNN AND HIS CONGREGATION.
+
+
+Father Francis O'Flynn, or, as he was generally called by his
+parishioners, "Father Frank," was the choicest specimen you could desire
+of a jolly, quiet-going, ease-loving, Irish country priest of the old
+school.  His parish lay near a small town in the eastern part of the
+county Cork, and for forty-five years he lived amongst his flock,
+performing all the duties of his office, and taking his dues (when he got
+them) with never-tiring good-humour. But age, that spares not priest nor
+layman, had stolen upon Father Frank, and he gradually relinquished to his
+younger curates the task of preaching, till at length his sermons dwindled
+down to two in the year--one at Christmas, and the other at Easter, at
+which times his clerical dues were about coming in. It was on one of these
+memorable occasions that I first chanced to hear Father Frank address his
+congregation.  I have him now before my mind's eye, as he then appeared; a
+stout, middle-sized man, with ample shoulders, enveloped in a coat of
+superfine black, and substantial legs encased in long straight boots,
+reaching to the knee. His forehead, and the upper part of his head, were
+bald; but the use of hair-powder gave a fine effect to his massive, but
+good-humoured features, that glowed with the rich tint of a hale old age.
+A bunch of large gold seals, depending from a massive jack-chain of the
+same metal, oscillated with becoming dignity from the lower verge of his
+waistcoat, over the goodly prominence of his "fair round belly."  Glancing
+his half-closed, but piercing eye around his auditory, as if calculating
+the contents of every pocket present, he commenced his address as
+follows:--"Well, my good people, I suppose ye know that to-morrow will be
+the _pattern_[1] of Saint Fineen, and no doubt ye'll all be for going to
+the blessed well to say your _padhereens_;[2] but I'll go bail there's few
+of you ever heard the rason why the water of that well won't raise a
+lather, or wash anything clean, though you were to put all the soap in
+Cork into it. Well, pay attintiou, and I'll tell you.--Mrs. Delany, can't
+you keep your child quiet while I'm spaking?--It happened a long while
+ago, that Saint Fineen, a holy and devout Christian, lived all alone,
+convaynient to the well; there he was to be found ever and always praying
+and reading his breviary upon a cowld stone that lay beside it. Onluckily
+enough, there lived also in the neighbourhood a _callieen dhas_[3] called
+Morieen, and this Morieen had a fashion of coming down to the well every
+morning, at sunrise, to wash her legs and feet; and, by all accounts, you
+couldn't meet a whiter or shapelier pair from this to Bantry. Saint
+Fineen, however, was so disthracted in his heavenly meditations, poor man!
+that he never once looked at them; but kept his eyes fast on his holy
+books, while Morieen was rubbing and lathering away, till the legs used to
+look like two beautiful pieces of alabasther in the clear water. Matters
+went on this way for some time, Morieen coming regular to the well, till
+one fine morning, as she stepped into the water, without minding what she
+was about, she struck her foot against a a stone and cut it.
+
+    [1] _Pattern_--a corruption of _Patron_--means, in Ireland, the
+        anniversary of the Saint to whom a holy well has been
+        consecrated, on which day the peasantry make pilgrimages to the
+        well.
+
+    [2] Beads
+
+    [3] Pretty girl
+
+"'Oh! Millia murdher! What'll I do?' cried the _callieen_, in the
+pitifulles voice you ever heard.
+
+"'What's the matter?' said Saint Fineen.
+
+"'I've cut my foot agin this misfortinat stone,' says she, making answer.
+
+"Then Saint Fineen lifted up his eyes from his blessed book, and he saw
+Morieen's legs and feet.
+
+"'Oh! Morieen!' says he, after looking awhile at them, 'what white legs
+you have got!'
+
+"'Have I?' says she, laughing, 'and how do _you_ know that?'
+
+"Immediately the Saint remimbered himself, and being full of remorse and
+conthrition for his fault, he laid his commands upon the well, that its
+water should never wash anything white again.--and, as I mentioned before,
+all the soap in Ireland wouldn't raise a lather on it since. Now that's
+the thrue histhory of St. Fineen's blessed well; and I hope and thrust it
+will be a saysonable and premonitory lesson to all the young men that
+hears me, not to fall into the vaynial sin of admiring the white legs of
+the girls."
+
+As soon as his reverence paused, a buzz of admiration ran through the
+chapel, accompanied by that peculiar rapid noise made by the lower class
+of an Irish Roman Catholic congregation, when their feelings of awe,
+astonishment, or piety, are excited by the preacher.[4]
+
+    [4] This sound, which is produced by a quick motion of the tongue
+        against the teeth and roof of the mouth, may be expressed thus;
+        "tth, tth, tth, tth, tth."
+
+Father Frank having taken breath, and wiped his forehead, resumed his
+address.
+
+"I'm going to change my subject now, and I expect attintion. Shawn Barry!
+Where's Shawn Barry?"
+
+"Here, your Rivirence," replies a voice from the depth of the crowd.
+
+"Come up here, Shawn, 'till I examine you about your Catechism and
+docthrines."
+
+A rough-headed fellow elbowed his way slowly through the congregation, and
+moulding his old hat into a thousand grotesque shapes, between his huge
+palms, presented himself before his pastor, with very much the air of a
+puzzled philosopher.
+
+"Well, Shawn, my boy, do you know what is the meaning of Faith?"
+
+"Parfictly, your Rivirence," replied the fellow, with a knowing grin.
+"Faith means when Paddy Hogan gives me credit for half-a-pint of the
+best."
+
+"Get out of my sight, you ondaycent vagabond; you're a disgrace to my
+flock. Here, you Tom M'Gawley, what's Charity?"
+
+"Bating a process-sarver, your Rivirence," replied Tom, promptly.
+
+"Oh! blessed saints! how I'm persecuted with ye, root and branch. Jim
+Houlaghan, I'm looking at you, there, behind Peggy Callanane's cloak; come
+up here, you hanging _bone slieveen_[5] and tell me what is the Last Day?"
+
+    [5] A sly rogue.
+
+"I didn't come to that yet, sir," replied Jim, scratching his head.
+
+"I wouldn't fear you, you bosthoon. Well, listen, and I'll tell you. It's
+the day when you'll all have to settle your accounts, and I'm thinking
+there'll be a heavy score against some of you, if you don't mind what I'm
+saying to you. When that day comes, I'll walk up to Heaven and rap at the
+hall door. Then St. Pether, who will be takin' a nap after dinner in his
+arm-chair, inside, and not liking ta be disturbed, will call out mighty
+surly, 'Who's there?'"
+
+"'It's I, my Lord,' I'll make answer.
+
+"Av course, he'll know my voice, and, jumping up like a cricket, he'll
+open the door as wide as the hinges will let it, and say quite politely--
+
+"'I'm proud to see you here, Father Frank. Walk in, if you plase.'
+
+"Upon that I'll scrape my feet, and walk in, and then St. Pether will say
+agin--
+
+"'Well, Father Frank, what have you got to say for yourself? Did you look
+well afther your flock; and mind to have them all christened, and married,
+and buried, according to the rites of our holy church?'
+
+"Now, good people, I've been forty-five years amongst you, and didn't I
+christen every mother's soul of you?"
+
+_Congregation._--You did,--you did,--your Rivirence.
+
+_Father Frank._--Well, and didn't I bury the most of you, too?
+
+_Congregation._--You did, your Rivirence.
+
+_Father Frank._--And didn't I do my best to get dacent matches for all
+your little girls? I And didn't I get good wives for all the well-behaved
+boys in my parish?--Why don't you spake up, Mick Donovan?
+
+_Mick._--You did, your Rivirence.
+
+_Father Frank._--Well, that's settled:--but then St. Pether will
+say--"Father Frank," says he, "you're a proper man; but how did your flock
+behave to you--did they pay you your dues regularly?" Ah! good Christians,
+how shall I answer _that_ question?  Put it in my power to say something
+good of you: don't be ashamed to come up and pay your priest's dues.
+Come,--make a lane there, and let ye all come up with conthrite hearts and
+open hands. Tim Delaney!--make way for Tim:--how much will you give, Tim?
+
+_Tim._--I'll not be worse than another, your Riverence. I'll give a crown.
+
+_Father Frank._--Thank you, Timothy: the dacent drop is in you. Keep a
+lane, there!--any of ye that hasn't a crown, or half-a-crown, don't be
+bashful of coming up with your _hog_ or your _testher_.[6]
+
+    [6] A _shilling_ or a _sixpence_.
+
+And thus Father Frank went on encouraging and wheedling his flock to pay
+up his dues, until he had gone through his entire congregation, when I
+left the chapel, highly amused at the characteristic scene I had
+witnessed.
+
+X.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A PRUDENT REASON.
+
+Our gallant Sibthorp was lately invited by a friend to accompany him in a
+pleasure trip in his yacht to Cowes. "No!" exclaimed Sib.; "you don't
+catch me venturing near _Cowes_." "And why not?" inquired his friend.
+"Because I was never vaccinated," replied the hirsute hero.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+DOCTOR PEEL TAKING TIME TO CONSULT.
+
+Once upon a time--says an old Italian novelist--a horse fell, as in a fit,
+with his rider. The people, running from all sides, gathered about the
+steed, and many and opposite were the opinions of the sudden malady of the
+animal; as many the prescriptions tendered for his recovery. At length, a
+great hubbub arose among the mob; and a fellow, with the brass of a
+merryandrew, and the gravity of a quack-doctor, pressed through the
+throng, and approached the beast. Suddenly there was silence. It was plain
+to the vulgar that the solemn new-comer had brought with him some
+exquisite specific: it was evident, from the grave self-complacency of the
+stranger, that with a glance, he had detected the cause of sickness in the
+horse,--and that, in a few seconds, the prostrate animal, revivified by
+the cunning of the sage, would be up, and once more curvetting and
+caracoling. The master of the steed eyed the stranger with an affectionate
+anxiety; the mob were awed into breathless expectation. The wise man shook
+his head, put his cane to his nose, and proceeded to open his mouth. It
+was plain he was about to speak. Every ear throbbed and gaped to catch the
+golden syllables. At length the doctor did speak: for casting about him a
+look of the profoundest knowledge, and pointing to the steed, he said, in
+a deep, solemn whisper,--"_Let the horse alone!_" Saying this, the doctor
+vanished!
+
+The reader will immediately make the application. The horse _John Bull_ is
+prostrate. It will be remembered that Colonel SIBTHORP (that dull
+mountebank) spoke learnedly upon glanders--that others declared the animal
+needed a lighter burthen and a greater allowance of corn,--but that the
+majority of the mob made way for a certain quacksalver PEEL, who being
+regularly called in and fee'd for his advice, professed himself to be
+possessed of some miraculous elixir for the suffering quadruped. All eyes
+were upon the doctor--all ears open for him, when lo! on the 16th of
+September,--PEEL, speaking with the voice of an oracle, said--"It is not
+my intention in the present session of Parliament to submit any measures
+for the consideration of the House!" In other words--"_Let the horse
+alone!_"
+
+The praises of the Tory mob are loud and long at this wisdom of the
+doctor. He had loudly professed an intimate knowledge of the ailments of
+the horse--he had long predicted the fall of the poor beast,--and now,
+when the animal is down, and a remedy is looked for that shall once more
+set the creature on his legs, the veterinary politician says--"_Let the
+horse alone!_"
+
+The speech of Sir ROBERT PEEL was a pithy illustration of the good old
+Tory creed. He opens his oration with a benevolent and patriotic yearning
+for the comforts of Parliamentary warmth and ventilation. He moves for
+papers connected with "the building of the two houses of Parliament, and
+with the adoption of measures for _warming and ventilating_ those houses!"
+The whole policy of the Tories has ever exemplified their love of nice
+warm places; though, certainly, they have not been very great sticklers
+for atmospheric purity. Indeed, like certain other labourers, who work by
+night, they have toiled in the foulest air,--have profited by the most
+noisome labour. When Lord JOHN RUSSELL introduced that imperfect mode of
+ventilation, the Reform Bill, into the house, had he provided for a full
+and pure supply of public opinion,--had he ventilated the Commons by a
+more extended franchise,--Sir ROBERT PEEL would not, as minister, have
+shown such magnanimous concern for the creature comforts of Members of
+Parliament--he might, indeed, have still displayed his undying love of a
+warm place; but he would not have enjoyed it on the bench of the Treasury.
+As for ventilation, why, the creature Toryism, like a frog, could live in
+the heart of a tree;--it being always provided that the tree should bear
+golden pippins.
+
+We can, however, imagine that this solicitude of Sir ROBERT for the ease
+and comfort of the legislative Magi may operate to his advantage in the
+minds of certain honest folk, touched by the humanity which sheds so sweet
+a light upon the opening oration of the new minister. "If"--they will
+doubtless think--"the humane Baronet feels so acutely for the Lords
+Spiritual and Temporal,--if he has this regard for the convenience of only
+658 knights and burgesses,--if, in his enlarged humanity, he can feel for
+so helpless a creature as the Earl of COVENTRY, so mild, so unassuming a
+prelate as the Bishop of EXETER--if he can sympathise with the wants of
+even a D'ISRAELI, and tax his mighty intellect to make even SIBTHORP
+comfortable,--surely the same minister will have, aye, a morbid sense of
+the wants, the daily wretchedness of hundreds of thousands, who, with the
+fiend Corn Law grinning at their fireless hearths--pine and perish in
+weavers' hovels, for the which there has as yet been _no_ 'adoption of
+measures for the warming and ventilating.'" "Surely"--they will think--"the
+man whose sympathy is active for a few of the 'meanest things that live'
+will gush with sensibility towards a countless multitude, fluttering into
+rags and gaunt with famine. He will go back to first principles; he will,
+with a giant's arm, knock down all the conventionalities built by the
+selfishness of man--(and what a labourer is selfishness! there was no such
+hard worker at the Pyramids or the wall of China)--between him and his
+fellow! Hunger will be fed--nakedness will be clothed--and God's image,
+though stricken with age, and broken with disease, be acknowledged; not in
+the cut-and-dried Pharisaical phrase of trading Church-goers, as a thing
+vested with immortality--as a creature fashioned for everlasting
+solemnities--but _practically_ treated as of the great family of man--a
+brother, invited with the noblest of the Caesars, to an immortal banquet!"
+
+Such may be the hopes of a few, innocent of the knowledge of the
+stony-heartedness of Toryism. For ourselves, we hope nothing from Sir
+ROBERT PEEL. His flourish on the warming and ventilation of the new Houses
+of Parliament, taken in connexion with his opinions on the Corn Laws,
+reminds us of the benevolence of certain people in the East, who, careless
+and ignorant of the claims of their fellow-men, yet take every pains to
+erect comfortable hospitals and temples for dogs and vermin. Old
+travellers speak of these places, and of men being hired that the sacred
+fleas might feed upon their blood. Now, when we consider the history of
+legislation--when we look upon many of the statutes emanating from
+Parliament--how often might we call the House of Commons the House of
+Fleas? To be sure, there is yet this great difference: the poor who give
+their blood there, unlike the wretches of the East, give it for nothing!
+
+Sir ROBERT'S speech promises nothing whatever as to his future policy. He
+leaves everything open. He will not say that he will not go in precisely
+the line chalked out by the Whigs. "Next session," says. Sir ROBERT, "you
+shall see what you shall see." About next February, _Orson_, in the words
+of the oracle in the melo-drama, will be "endowed with reason." Until
+then, we must accept a note-of-hand for Sir ROBERT, that he may pay the
+expenses of the government.
+
+    "I have already expressed my opinion, that it is absolutely
+    necessary to adopt some measures for equalising the revenue and
+    expenditure, and we will avail ourselves of the earliest
+    opportunity, after mature consideration of the circumstances of the
+    country, to submit to a committee of the whole house measures for
+    remedying the existing state of things. _Whether that can be best
+    done by diminishing the expenditure of the country, or by
+    increasing the revenue, or by a combination of those two means--the
+    reduction of the expenditure and the increase of the revenue--I
+    must postpone for future consideration._"
+
+Why, Sir ROBERT was called in because he knew the disease of the patient.
+He had his remedy about him. The pills and the draught were in his
+pocket--yes, in his patriotic poke; but he refused to take the lid from
+the box--resolutely determined that the cork should not be drawn from the
+all-healing phial--until he was regularly called in; and, as the gypsies
+say, his hand crossed with a bit of money. Well, he now swears with such
+vigour to the excellence of his physic--he so talks for hours and hours
+upon the virtues of his drugs, that at length a special messenger is sent
+to him, and directions given that the Miraculous Doctor should be received
+at the state entrance of the patient's castle, with every mark of
+consideration. The Doctor is ensured his fee, and he sets to work.
+Thousands and thousands of hearts are beating whilst his eye scrutinizes
+John Bull's tongue--suspense weighs upon the bosom of millions as the
+Doctor feels his pulse. Well, these little ceremonies settled, the Doctor
+will, of course, pull out his phial, display his boluses, and take his
+leave with a promise of speedy health. By no means. "I must go home," says
+the Doctor, "and study your disease for a few months; cull simples by
+moonlight; and consult the whole Materia Medica; after that I'll write you
+a prescription. For the present, good morning."
+
+"But, my dear Doctor," cries the patient, "I dismissed my old physician,
+because you insisted that you knew my complaint and its, remedy already."
+
+"That's very true," says Doctor PEEL, "but _then_ I wasn't called in."
+
+The learned Baldaeus tells us, that "Ceylon doctors give _jackall's flesh_
+for consumptions." Now, consumption is evidently John Bull's malady;
+hence, we would try the Ceylon prescription. The jackalls are the
+landowners; take a little of _their flesh_, Sir ROBERT, and for once,
+spare the bowels of the manufacturer.
+
+Q.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH'S PENCILLINGS.--No. XI.
+
+
+[Illustration: PLAYING THE KNAVE.
+
+DEDICATED TO THE MEMBERS OF ST. STEPHEN'S.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+BUNKS'S DISCOVERIES IN THE THAMES.
+
+A highly important and interesting survey of the coast between
+Arundel-stairs and Hungerford-market pier, is now being executed, under
+the superintendence of Bill Bunks, late commander of the coal-barge "Jim
+Crow." The result of his labours hitherto have been of the most
+interesting nature to the natural historian, the antiquarian, and the
+navigator. In his first report to the magistrates of the Thames-police, he
+states that he has advanced in his survey to Waterloo-bridge stairs, which
+he describes as a good landing-place for wherries, funnies, and small
+craft, but inadequate as a harbour for vessels of great burthen. The shore
+from Arundel-street, as far as he has explored, consists chiefly of a
+tenacious, dark-coloured substance, very closely resembling thick mud,
+intermixed with loose shingles, pebbles, and coal-slates. The depth of
+water is uncertain, as it varies with the tide, which he ascertains rises
+and falls every six hours; the greatest depth of water being usually found
+at the time when the tide is full in, and _vice versa_. He has also made
+the valuable discovery, that a considerable portion of the shore is always
+left uncovered at low water, at which periods he availed himself of the
+opportunity afforded him of examining it more minutely, and of collecting
+a large number of curious specimens in natural history, and interesting
+antiquarian relics. As we have had the privilege of being permitted to
+view them in the private museum of the
+"Stangate-and-Milbank-both-sides-of-the-water-united-for-the-advancement-
+of-Science-Association," we are enabled to lay before our readers the
+particulars of a few of these spoils, which the perseverance and
+intrepidity of our gallant countryman, Bill Bunks, has rescued from the
+hungry jaws of the rapacious deep; viz.:--
+
+1. "_A case of shells._" The greater number of the specimens are
+pronounced, by competent judges, to be shells of the native oyster; a fact
+worthy of note, as it proves the existence, in former ages, of an
+oyster-bed on this spot, and oysters being a sea-fish, it appears evident
+that either the sea has removed from London, or London has withdrawn
+itself from the sea. The point is open to discussion. We hope that the
+"Hookham-cum-Snivey Institution" will undertake the solution of it at one
+of their early meetings.
+
+2. "_The neck of a black bottle, with a cork in it._" This is a very
+interesting object of art, and one which has given rise to considerable
+discussion amongst the _literati_. The cork, which is inserted in the
+fragment of the neck, is quite perfect; it has been impressed with a seal
+in reddish-coloured wax; a portion of it remains, with a partly
+obliterated inscription, in Roman characters, of which we have been
+enabled to give the accompanying fac-simile.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+With considerable difficulty we have deciphered the legend thus:--The
+first letter B has evidently been a mistake of the engraver, who meant it
+for a P, the similarity of the sounds of the two letters being very likely
+to lead him into such an error. With this slight alteration, we have only
+to add the letter O to the first line, and we shall have "PRO." It
+requires little acuteness to discover that the second word, if complete,
+would be "PATRIA;" and the letters BR, the two lowest of the inscription,
+only want the addition of the letters IT to make "BRIT." or
+"BRITANNIARUM." The legend would then run, "PRO PATRIA BRITANNIARUM,"
+which there is good reason to suppose was the inscription on the cellar
+seal of Alfred the Great, though some presumptuous and common-minded
+persons have asserted that the legend, if perfect, would read, "BRETT'S
+PATENT BRANDY." Every antiquarian has, however, indignantly refused to
+admit such a degrading supposition.
+
+3. "_A perfect brick, and two broken tiles._" The first of these articles
+is in a high state of preservation, and from the circumstance of portions
+of mortar being found adhering to it, it is supposed that it formed part
+of the old London Wall.  We examined the fragments of the tiles carefully,
+but found no inscription or other data, by which to ascertain their
+probable antiquity: the tiles, in short, are buried in mystery.
+
+4. "_A fossil flat-iron._" This antediluvian relic was found imbedded in a
+Sandy deposite opposite Surrey-street, near high-water mark.
+
+5. "_An ancient leather buskin,_" supposed to have belonged to one of the
+Saxon kings. This singular covering for the foot reaches no higher than
+the ancle, and is laced up the front with a leathern thong, like a modern
+highlow, to which it bears a very decided resemblance.
+
+6. "_A skeleton of some unknown animal._"  Antiquarians cannot agree to
+what genus this animal belonged; ignorant people imagine it to have been a
+cat.
+
+7. "_A piece of broken porcelain._" This is an undoubted relic of Roman
+manufacture, and appears to have formed part of a plate. The blue "willow
+pattern" painted on it shows the antiquity of that popular design.
+
+There are several other extremely rare and curious antiquities to be seen
+in this collection, which we have not space to notice at present, but
+shall take an early opportunity of returning to the valuable discoveries
+made by the indefatigable Mr. Bunks.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A NEW CONJURING COMPANY.
+
+A report of so extraordinary a nature has just reached us, that we hasten
+to be the first, as usual, to lay the outlines of it before our readers,
+with the same early authenticity that has characterised all our other
+communications. Mr. Yates is at present in Paris, arranging matters with
+Louis Philippe and his family, to appear at the Adelphi during the ensuing
+season!!
+
+It would appear that the mania for great people wishing to strut and fret
+their four hours and a quarter upon the stage is on the increase--at least
+according to our friends the constituent members of the daily press.
+Despite the newspaper-death of the manager of the Surrey, by which his
+enemies wished to "_spargere voces in vulgum ambiguas_" to his prejudice
+(which means, in plain English, to tell lies of him behind his back), we
+have seen the report contradicted, that Mrs. Norton was about to appear
+there in a new equestrian spectacle, with double platforms, triple studs
+of Tartar hordes, and the other amphitheatrical enticers. We ourselves can
+declare, that there is no foundation in the announcement, no more than in
+the _on dit_ that the Countess of Blessington was engaged as a
+counter-attraction, for a limited number of nights, at the Victoria; or
+her lovely niece--a _power_ in herself--had been prevailed upon to make
+her _debut_ at the Lyceum, in a new piece of a peculiar and unprecedented
+plot, which was prevented from coming off by some disagreement as to terms
+between the principal parties concerned. For true theatrical intelligence,
+our columns alone are to be relied upon; bright as a column of sparkling
+water, overpowering as a column of English cavalry, overlooking all London
+at once, as the column of the Monument, but _not_ so heavy as the column
+of the Duke of York.
+
+_Mais revenons a nos moutons_: which implies (we are again compelled to
+translate, and this time it is for the benefit of those who have not been
+to Boulogne), "we spoke of Louis Philippe and his family." This sagacious
+monarch, foreseeing that the French were in want of some new excitement,
+and grieving to find that the _pompe funebre_ of Napoleon, and the
+inauguration of his statue upon the monument of the victories that never
+took place, had not made the intense impression upon the minds of his
+vivacious subjects that he had intended it should produce, begins to
+think, that before long a fresh _emeute_ will once more throw up the
+barricades and paving-stones in the Rue St. Honore and Boulevard des
+Italiens. As such, with the prudent foresight which has hitherto directed
+all his proceedings, he is naturally looking forward to the best means of
+gaining an honest livelihood for himself and family, should a corrupted
+national guard, or an excited St. Antoine mob take it into their heads to
+dine in the Tuileries without being asked. Having read in the English
+newspapers, which he regularly peruses, of the astounding performances of
+the Wizard of the North at the Adelphi, more especially as regards the
+"paralysing gun delusion," he commences to imagine that he is well
+qualified to undertake the same responsibility, more especially from the
+practice he has had in that line from pistols, rifles, fowling-pieces,
+and, above all, twenty-barrel infernal machines. He has therefore offered
+his services at the Adelphi, and Mr. Yates, with his accustomed energy,
+and avowed propensity for French translations, has agreed to bring him
+over. If we remember truly, the Wizard says in his programme, that the
+secret shall die with him. We beg to inform him, in all humility, that he
+deceives himself, for Louis Philippe and the Duke d'Aumale know the trick
+as well as he does. They would ride through two lines of _sans culottes_,
+all armed to the teeth, without the least injury. They would catch the
+bullets in their teeth, and take them home as curiosities.
+
+Orleans, from his knowledge of the English language, will probably become
+the adapter of the pieces "from the French" about to be produced. The Duke
+de Nemours will be engaged to play the fops in the light comedies, a line
+which, it is anticipated, he will shine in; and the Prince de Joinville
+can dance a capital sailor's hornpipe, which he learnt on board the _Belle
+Poule_, a name which our own sailors, with an excusable disregard for
+genders, converted into "The Jolly Cock." Of course, from his late
+experience, d'Aumale will assist Louis Philippe, upon emergency, in the
+gun trick, and, with the other attractions, a profitable season is sure to
+result.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+AN EXTENSIVE SACRIFICE.
+
+By Dr. Reid's new plan for ventilating the House of Commons, a porous hair
+carpet will be required for the floor; to provide materials for which Mr.
+Muntz has, in the most handsome manner, offered to shave off his beard and
+whiskers. This is true magnanimity--Muntz is a noble fellow! and the
+lasting gratitude of the House is due to him and his _hairs_ for ever.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+FASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE.
+
+It is expected that Mr. Snooks and family will pass the winter at
+Battersea, as the warmth of the climate is strongly recommended for the
+restoration of the health of Mrs. Snooks, who is in a state of such
+alarming delicacy, as almost to threaten a realisation of the fears of her
+best friends and the hopes of the black-job master who usually serves the
+family.
+
+Mr. Snivins gave a large tea-party, last week, at Greenwich, where the
+boiling water was supplied by the people of the house, the essentials
+having been brought by the visitors.
+
+Mr. Popkins has left his attic in the New-Cut, for a _tour_ on the Brixton
+tread-mill.
+
+K 32 left his official residence at the station-house, for his beat in
+Leicester-square, and repaired at once to a public-house in the
+neighbourhood, where he had an audience of several pickpockets.
+
+We are authorised to state, that there is no foundation whatever for the
+report that a certain well-known policeman is about to lead to the altar a
+certain unknown lady. The rumour originated in his having been seen
+leading her before the magistrate.
+
+Dick Wiggins transacted business yesterday in Cold Bath-fields, and picked
+the appointed quantity of oakum.
+
+Mr. Baron Nathan has left Margate for Kennington. We have not heard
+whether he was accompanied by the Baroness. The Honourable Miss Nathan,
+when we last heard of her, was dancing a hornpipe among a shilling's worth
+of new laid eggs, at Tivoli.
+
+A few minutes after Sir Robert Peel left Privy-Gardens, in a carriage and
+four, for Claremont, Sam Snoxell jumped up behind the Brighton stage, from
+which he descended, after having been whipped down, at Kennington.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+IMPORTANT INVENTION.
+
+The celebrated _savant_ Sir Peter Laurie, whose scientific labours to
+discover the cause of the variation of the weathercock on Bow Church, have
+astonished the Lord Mayor and the Board of Aldermen, has lately turned his
+attention to the subject of railroads. The result of his profound
+cogitations has been highly satisfactory. He has produced a plan for a
+railway on an entirely new principle, which will combine cheapness and
+security in an extraordinary degree. We have been favoured with a view of
+the inventor's plans, and we have no hesitation in saying that, if
+adopted, the most timid person may, with perfect safety, take
+
+[Illustration: A RIDE ON  THE RAIL.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE BATTLE AND THE BREEZE.
+
+Our readers are informed that, despite the belligerent character of the
+correspondence between the fierce Fitz-Roy and the "Gentle" Shepherd,
+although it came to a slight _blow_, there is nothing to warrant an
+anticipation of their
+
+[Illustration: GETTING UP THE BREEZE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE FASTING PHENOMENON.
+
+The Tories have engaged Bernard Cavanagh, the Irish fasting phenomenon, to
+give lectures on his system of abstinence, which they think might be
+beneficially introduced amongst the working-classes of England. This is a
+truly Christian principle of government, for while the people _fast_, the
+ministers will not fail to _prey_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+TORY BOONS.
+
+_Air_.--"NORA CREINA"
+
+  The Whigs they promised every day
+    To cure the ills which did surround us;
+  It should have been, "no cure, no pay!"
+    For now we're worse than when they found us.
+  The Tory clique at length are in,
+    And vow that they will save the nation,
+  So kindly give us, to begin--
+    Exchequer bills and ventilation.
+      Oh! the artful Tories _dear_,
+        Oh! the _dear_, the artful Tories
+      They alone perceive, 'tis clear,
+        That taxes tend to England's glories.
+
+  The Whigs declared cheap bread was good;
+    To satisfy the people's cravings
+  They tried to take the tax off wood--
+    Lord knows what might be done with shavings!
+  The Tories vow these schemes were wrong,
+    And adverse to good legislation;
+  Therefore, propose (so runs our song)--
+    Exchequer bills and ventilation.
+      Oh! the artful Tories _dear_,
+        Oh! the _dear_ and artful Tories;
+      They alone perceive, 'tis clear,
+        Taxes tend to England's glories.
+
+  The Whigs became the poor man's foe,
+    Mix'd ashes in his cup of sorrow;
+  Nor thought the pauper's "lot of woe,"
+    Perchance might be their own to-morrow.
+  The Tories said they were his friend,
+    That they abhorr'd procrastination;
+  So give--till next July shall end--
+    Exchequer bills and ventilation.
+      Oh! the artful Tories _dear_,
+        Oh! the _dear_ and artful Tories;
+      They alone perceive, 'tis clear,
+        Taxes tend to England's glories.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+RECREATION FOR THE PUBLIC.
+
+Sir Robert Peel seems impressed with the necessity of providing the
+citizens of London with additional parks, where they may recreate
+themselves, and breathe the free air of heaven. But, strange as it may
+seem, the people cannot live on fresh air, unaccompanied by some stomachic
+of a more substantial nature; yet they are forbidden to grumble at the
+diet, or, if they do, they are silenced according to the good old Tory
+plan of
+
+[Illustration: OPENING A PARK FOR THE PEOPLE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Colonel Sibthorp thinks he recollects having been Hannibal once--long
+ago--although he cannot account for his having been beaten in the _Pun_-ic
+war.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LIGHT OF ALL NATIONS.
+
+The public are aware that this important national undertaking, which is
+now about to be commenced, is to be a prodigious cast-iron light-house on
+the Goodwin Sands. Peter Borthwick and our Sibby are already candidates
+for the office of universal illuminators. Peter rests his claims chiefly
+on the brilliancy of his ideas, as exemplified in his plan for lighting
+the metropolis with bottled moonshine; while Sib. proudly refers to our
+columns for imperishable evidences of the intensity of his wit, conscious
+that these alone would entitle him to be called "the light of all
+nations." We trust that Sir Robert Peel will exercise a sound discretion
+in bestowing this important situation. Highly as we esteem Peter's
+dazzling talents--profoundly as we admire his bottled moonshine scheme--we
+feel there is no man in the world more worthy of being elevated to the
+lantern than our refulgent friend Sibthorp.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A SHORT TREATISE OF DRAMATIC CASUALTIES.
+
+VERY PROFITABLE TO READ.
+
+Let our Treatise of Dramatic Casualties be that which treateth of the
+misfortunes contingent upon the profession of dramatic authors. Now, of
+unfortunate dramatic authors there be two grand kinds--namely, they that
+be unfortunate before the production of their works, and they that be
+unfortunate after the production of their works.
+
+And first, among them that be unfortunate before the production of their
+works may he enumerated--
+
+    1.--He that, having but one manuscript of his piece leaveth the
+        same with the manager for inspection, and it falleth out that
+        he seeth it no more, neither heareth thereof.
+
+    2.--He that having translated a piece from the French, and bestowed
+        thereon much time, findeth himself forestalled.
+
+    3.--He that, having written a pantomime, carrieth it in his pocket,
+        and straight there cometh a dishonest person, who, taking the
+        same, selleth it for waste paper.
+
+    4.--He that presenteth his piece to all the theatres in succession,
+        and lo! it ever returneth, accompanied with a polite note
+        expressive of disapprobation or the like.
+
+    5.--He whose piece is approved by the manager, but, nevertheless,
+        the same produceth it not, for divers reasons, which do vary at
+        every interview.
+
+    6.--He that communicateth the idea of a yet unwritten drama to a
+        friend, who, being of a fair wit, and prompt withal, useth the
+        same to his own ends and reapeth the harvest thereof.
+
+And secondly, of them that be unfortunate after the production of their
+works, there be some whose pieces are successful, and there be some whose
+pieces are not successful.
+
+And firstly, of unfortunate authors whose pieces are unsuccessful there
+be--
+
+    1.--Those who write a piece which faileth through its own demerits,
+        which may be, as--
+
+        A.--He that writeth a farce or comedy, and neglecteth to
+            introduce jokes in the same.
+
+        B.--He that writeth a farce or comedy, and introduceth bad
+            jokes in the same.
+
+        C.--He that writeth a farce or comedy, and introduceth old
+            jokes in the same.
+
+        D.--He that writeth a tragedy, and introduceth matter for
+            merriment therein.
+
+        E.--He that, in either tragedy, comedy, farce, or other
+            entertainment, shocketh the propriety of the audience, or
+            causeth a division in the same, by political allusions.
+
+    2.--He that writeth a piece which faileth, though not through its
+        own demerits, which may be, as--
+
+      A.--When the principal actor, not having the author's words by
+          heart, and being of a suggestive wit and good assurance,
+          substituteth others, which he deemeth sufficient.
+
+      B.--When the principal actor, not having the author's words by
+          heart, and being of a dull and heavy turn, and deaf withal,
+          substituteth nothing, but standeth aghast, yearning for the
+          voice of the prompter.
+
+      C.--When the scene-shifter ingeniously introduceth a forest into
+          a bed-chamber, or committeth the like incongruity, marvellous
+          pleasant and mirthful to behold, but in no way conducive to
+          success.
+
+      D.--When pistols or other fire-arms do miss fire; when red fire
+          igniteth not, or igniteth the scenes; when a trap-door
+          refuseth to open, a rope to draw, and the like.
+
+      E.--When the author intrusteth his principal part to a new actor,
+          and it falleth out that the same doth grievously offend the
+          audience, who straight insist that he do quit the stage,
+          whereby the ruin of the piece is consummated.
+
+      F.--Likewise there be misfortunes that arise from the audience;
+          as, when at a momentous point of the plot there entereth one
+          heated with liquor, and causeth a disturbance, or a woman
+          with a huge bonnet becometh the subject of a discussion as to
+          her right to wear the same, and impede the view of them that
+          be behind; also when there cometh in a ruffian, or more, in a
+          pea-coat, who having been charged by an enemy to work the
+          ruin of the piece, endeavoureth to do the same, by dint of
+          hisses or other unseemly noises, all of which be highly
+          pernicious.
+
+Secondly, of those unfortunate authors who have been successful, there
+be--
+
+    1.--He whose piece, albeit successful, is withdrawn to make room
+        for the Christmas pantomine, Easter piece, or other
+        entertainment equally cherished by the manager, who thereupon
+        groundeth a plea of non-payment.
+
+    2.--He who being a creditor of the manager, and the same being
+        unable to meet his obligations, by an ingenious contrivance of
+        the law becometh cleansed thereof, an operation which hath been
+        conceitedly termed "whitewashing."
+
+    3.--He that writeth a piece with a friend, and the same claimeth
+        the entire authorship thereof and emolument therefrom.
+
+And there be divers other calamities which we have neither space nor time
+to enumerate, but which be all incentives to abstain from dramatic
+writing.
+
+PERDITUS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH'S THEATRE.
+
+JACK KETCH; OR, A LEAF FROM TYBURN TREE.
+
+Modern legislation is chiefly remarkable for its oppressive interference
+with the elegant amusements of the mob. Bartholomew-fair is abolished;
+bull-baiting, cock-pits, and duck-hunts are put down by act of Parliament;
+prize-fighting, by the New Police--even those morally healthful
+exhibitions, formerly afforded opposite the Debtors' Door of Newgate, for
+the sake of _example_--that were attended by idlers in hundreds, and
+thieves in thousands--are fast growing into disuse. The "masses" see no
+pleasure now: even the hanging-matches are cut off.
+
+Deeply compassionating the effects of so illiberal an innovation, Mr. G.
+Almar the author to, and Mr. R. Honner the proprietor of, Sadler's Wells
+Theatre, have produced an exhibition which in a great degree makes up for
+the infrequent performances at the Old Bailey. Those whose moral
+sensibilities are refined to the choking point--who can relish stage
+strangulation in all its interesting varieties better than Shakspere, are
+now provided with a rich treat. They need not wait for the Recorder's
+black cap and a black Monday morning--the Sadler's Wells' people hang
+every night with great success; for, unless one goes early, there is--as
+is the case wherever hanging takes place--no _standing room_ to be had for
+love or money.
+
+The play is simply the history of Jack Ketch, a gentleman who flourished
+at the beginning of the last century, and who, by industry and
+perseverance, attained to the rank of public executioner; an office he
+performed with such skill and effect that his successors have, as the
+bills inform us, inherited "his soubriquet" with his office. He is
+introduced to the audience as a ropemaker's apprentice, living in the
+immediate neighbourhood of Execution-Dock, and loving _Barbara Allen_, "a
+young spinster residing at the Cottage of Content, upon the borders of
+Epping Forest, supporting herself by the produce of her wheel and the
+cultivation of her flower-garden." He beguiles his time, while twisting
+the hemp, by spinning a tedious yarn about this well-to-do spinster; from
+which we infer _Barbara's_ barbarity, and that he is crossed in love. The
+soliloquy is interrupted by an elderly man, who enters to remark that he
+has come out for a little relaxation after a hard morning's work: no
+wonder, for we soon learn that he is the _Jack Ketch_ of his day, and has,
+but an hour before, tucked up two brace of pirates. With this pleasing
+information, and a sharp dialogue on his favourite subject with the hero,
+he retires.
+
+Here the interest begins; three or four foot-stamps are heard behind;
+_Jack_ starts--"Ah, that noise," &c.--and on comes the author of the
+piece, "his first appearance here these five years." He approaches the
+foot-lights--he turns up his eyes--he thumps his breast--and goes through
+this exercise three or four times, before the audience understand that
+they are to applaud. They do so; and the play goes on as if nothing had
+happened; for this is an episode expressive of a "first appearance these
+five years." _Gipsy George_ or Mr. G. Almar, whichever you please, having
+assured _Jack Ketch_ that he is starving and in utter destitution,
+proceeds to give five shillings for a piece of rope, and walks away, after
+taking great pains to assure everybody that he is going to hang himself.
+Before, however, he has had time to make the first coil of a hempen
+collar, _Jack_ looks off, and descries the stranger in the last agonies of
+strangulation, amidst the most deafening applause from the audience, whose
+disgust is indignantly expressed by silence when he exits to cut the man
+down. Their delight is only revived by the apparition of _Gipsy George_,
+pale and ghastly, _with the rope round his neck_, and the exclamation that
+he is "done for." _Barabbas_, the hangman, who re-appears with the rest,
+is upbraided by _Jack_ for coolly looking on and letting the man hang
+himself, without raising an alarm. Mr. B. answers, that "it was no
+business of his." Like Sir Robert Peel and the rest of the profession, it
+was evidently his maxim not to interfere, unless "regularly called in."
+The _Gipsy_, so far from dying, recovers sufficiently to make to _Jack_
+some important disclosures; but of that mysterious kind peculiar to
+melodrama, by which nobody is the wiser. They, however, bear reference to
+_Jack's_ deceased father, a clasp-knife, a certain _Sir Gregory_ of "the
+gash," and the four gentlemen so recently suspended at Execution-Dock.
+
+The residence of Content and Barbara Allen is a scene, the minute
+correctness of which it would be wicked to doubt, when the bills so
+solemnly guarantee that it is copied from the "best authorities."
+_Barbara_ opens the door, makes a curtsey, produces a purse, and after
+saying she is going to pay her rent, is, by an ingenious contrivance of
+the Sadler's Wells' Shakspere, confronted with her landlord, the _Sir
+Gregory_ before-mentioned. All stage-landlords are villains, who prefer
+seduction to rent, and he of the "gash" is no exception. The struggle,
+rescue, and duel, which follow, are got through in no time. The last would
+certainly have been fatal, had not the assailant's servant come on to
+announce that "a gentleman wished to speak to him at his own residence."
+The lover (who is of course the rescuer) deems this a sufficient excuse to
+let off his antagonist without a scratch; _Barbara_ rewards him with an
+embrace and a rose, just as another rival intrudes himself in the person
+of _Mr. John Ketch_. The altercation which now ensues is but slight; for
+_Jack_, instead of fighting, goes off to Fairlop-fair with another young
+lady, who seems to come upon the stage for no other purpose than to oblige
+him. At the fair we find _Jack's_ spirits considerably damped by the
+prediction of a gipsy, that he will marry a hangman's daughter; but, after
+the jumping in sacks, which forms a part of the sports, he rescues
+_Barbara_ from being once more assailed by her landlord. Thereupon another
+component of the festive scene--our friend the hangman--declares that she
+is his daughter! "Horror" tableau, and end of Act I.
+
+After establishing a lapse of four years between the acts, the author
+takes high ground;--we are presented with the summit of Primrose-hill, St.
+Paul's in the distance, and a gentleman with black clothes, and literary
+habits, reading in the foreground. This turns out to be "The Laird
+Lawson," _Barbara's_ favoured lover and benevolent duellist. Though on the
+top of Cockney Mount, he is suffering under a deep depression of spirits;
+for he has never seen _Miss Allen_ during four years, come next
+Fairlop-fair. Having heard this, the audience is, of course, quite
+prepared for that lady's appearance; and, sure enough, on she comes,
+accounting for her presence with great adroitness:--having left the city
+to go to Holloway, she is taking a short cut over Primrose-hill. The
+lovers go through the mode of recognition never departed from at minor
+theatres, with the most frantic energy, and have nearly hugged themselves
+out of breath, when the executioner papa interrupts the blissful scene,
+without so much as saying how he got there; but "finishers" are mysterious
+beings. _Barabbas_ denounces the laird; and when his consent is asked for
+the hand of _Miss Barbara_, tells the lover "he will see him hanged
+first!"
+
+The moon, a dark stage, and _Jack Ketch_ in the character of a foot-pad,
+now add to the romance of the drama. Not to leave anything unexplained,
+the hero declares, that he has cut the walk of life he formerly trod in
+the rope ditto, and has been induced to take to the road solely by Fate,
+brandy and (not salt, but) _Barbara!_ By some extraordinary accident,
+every character in the piece, with two exceptions, have occasion to tread
+this scene--"Holloway and heath near the village of Holloway" (painted
+from the best authorities), just exactly in time to be robbed by _Ketch_;
+who shows himself a perfect master of his business, and a credit to his
+instructor; for _Gipsy George_ rewards _Jack_ for saving him from hanging,
+by showing his friend the shortest way to the gallows.
+
+In the following scene, the plot breaks out in a fresh place. The man with
+the "gash," and _Gipsy George_ are together, going over some youthful
+reminiscences. It seems that once upon a time there were six pirates; four
+were those pendents from the gibbet at Execution-Dock one hears so much
+about at the commencement; the fifth is the speaker, _Gipsy George_; and
+"you," exclaims that person, striking an attitude, and addressing _Sir
+Gregory_, "make up the half-dozen!" They all formerly did business in a
+ship called the "Morning Star," and whenever the ex-pirate number five is
+in pecuniary distress, he bawls out into the ear of _ci-devant_ pirate
+number six, the words "Morning Star!" and a purse of hush-money is forked
+out in a trice. In this manner _Gipsy George_ accumulates, by the end of
+the piece, a large property; for six or eight purses, all ready filled for
+each occasion, thus pass into his pockets.
+
+The "best authorities" furnish us, next, with an interior; that of "the
+Mug, a chocolate house and tavern," where a new plot is hatched against
+the crown and dignity of the late respected George the First, by a party
+of Jacobites. These consist of a half-dozen of Hanoverian Whigs, who
+enter, duly decorated with an equal number of hats of every variety of
+cock and cockade. The heroine seems to have engaged herself here as
+waitress, on purpose to meet her persecutor, _Sir Gregory_, and her late
+lover, _Jack Ketch_. What comes of this rencontre it is impossible to make
+out, for a general _melee_ ensues, caused by a discovery of the plot;
+which is by no means a gunpowder plot; for although a file of soldiers
+present their arms for several minutes full at the conspirators, not a
+single musket goes off. Perhaps gunpowder was expensive in the reign of
+George the First. _Jack Ketch_ ends the act with a dream--an _apropos
+finale_, for we caught several of our neighbours napping. The scene in
+which this vision takes place is the crowning result of the painter's
+researches amongst the "best authorities;" it being no less than "a garret
+in Grub-street, _in which the great Daniel De Foe composed his romance of
+Robinson Crusoe!!_"
+
+A fishing-party--whose dulness is relieved by a suicide--opens the last
+act: one of the anglers having finished a comic song--which from its
+extreme gravity forms an appropriate dirge to the forthcoming
+felo-de-se--goes off with his companion to leave the water clear for
+_Barbara Allen_, who enters, takes an affecting leave of her laird lover,
+and straightway drowns herself. _Jack Ketch_ is now, by a rapid change of
+scene, discovered in limbo, and condemned to death; why, we were too
+stupid to make out. The fatal cart--very likely modelled after "the best
+authorities"--next occupies the stage, drawn by a real horse, and filled
+with _Sir Gregory Gash_ (who it seems is going to be hanged) and _Jack
+Ketch_ not as a prisoner, but as an officer of the crown; for we are to
+suppose that _Mr. Barabbas_, having retired from the public scaffold to
+private life, has seceded in favour of _Jack Ketch_, who is saved from the
+rope himself, on condition of his using it upon the person of _Sir
+Gregory_ and every succeeding criminal. All the characters come on with
+the cart, and a _denouement_ evidently impends. The distracted lover
+demands of somebody to restore his mistress, which _Gipsy George_ is
+really so polite as to do; for although the bills expressly inform us she
+has committed "suicide," and we have actually seen her jump into the river
+Lea; yet there she is safe and sound!--carefully preserved in an envelope
+formed partly by the _Gipsy_ himself, and partly by his cloak. She, of
+course, embraces her lover, and leaves _Jack Ketch_ to embrace his
+profession with what appetite he may; all, in fact, ends happily, and _Sir
+Gregory_ goes off to be hanged.
+
+This, then, is the state to which the founders of the Newgate school of
+dramatic literature, and the march of intellect, have brought us. Nothing
+short of actual hanging--the most revolting and repulsive of all possible
+subjects to enter, much less to dwell in any mind not actually
+savage--must now be provided to meet the refined taste of play-goers. In
+the present instance, nothing but the actual _spiciness_ of the subject
+saved the piece from the last sentence of even Sadler's Wells' critical
+law; for in construction and detail, it is the veriest mass of incoherent
+rubbish that was ever shot upon the plains of common sense. The sketch we
+have made is in no one instance exaggerated. Our readers may therefore
+easily judge whether we speak truly or not.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH AT THE NEW STRAND.
+
+When Napoleon first appeared before the grand army after his return from
+Elba--when Queen Victoria made her _debut_ at the assemblage of her first
+parliament--when Kean performed "Othello" at Drury Lane immediately after
+he had caused a certain friend of his to play the same part in the Court
+of King's Bench--the public mind was terribly agitated, and the public's
+legs instinctively carried them, on each occasion, to behold those great
+performers. When--to give these circumstances their highest
+application,--"Punch," on Thursday last, came out in the regular drama,
+the excitement was no less intense. Boxes were besieged; the pit was
+choked up, and the gallery creaked with its celestial encumbrance.
+
+As the curtain drew up, there would have been a death-like silence but for
+the unparalleled sales that were taking place in apples, oranges, and
+ginger-beer. Expectation was on tip-toe, as were the persons occupying
+that department of the theatre called "standing-room." The looked-for
+moment came; the "drop" ascended, and the spectators beheld _Mr. Dionysius
+Swivel_, a pint of ale, and Punch's theatre!
+
+"Tragedy," saith the Aristotelian recipe for cooking up a serious drama,
+"should have the probable, the marvellous, and the pathetic." In the
+_tableau_ thus presented, the audience beheld the three conditions
+strictly complied with all at once. "It was highly probable," as _Mr.
+Swivel_ observed to the source of pipes, 'bacca, and malt--in other words,
+to the landlady he was addressing--that his master, the showman, was
+unable to pay the score he had run up; it was marvellous that the
+proprietor of so popular a puppet as "Punch" should not have even the
+price of a pint of ale in his treasury; lastly, that circumstance was
+deeply pathetic; for what so heart-rending as the exhibition of fallen
+greatness, of broken-down prosperity, of affluence regularly stumped and
+hard-up! The fact is, that "Punch," his theatre, and _corps dramatique_,
+are in pawn for eight-and-ninepence!
+
+In the midst of this distress there appears a young gentleman, giving vent
+to passionate exclamations, while furiously buttoning up a tight surtout.
+The object of his love is the daughter of the object of his hate. _Mr.
+Snozzle_, having previously made his bow, overhears him, and being the
+acting manager of "Punch," and having a variety of plots for rescuing
+injured lovers from inextricable difficulties on hand, offers one of them
+to the lover, considerably over cost price; namely, for the
+puppet-detaining eight-and-ninepence, and a glass of brandy-and-water. The
+bargain being struck, the scene changes.
+
+To the happiness of being the possessor of "Punch," _Mr. Snozzle_ adds
+that of having a wonderful wife--a lady of universal talents; who dances
+in spangled shoes, plays on the tamburine, and sings Whitechapel French
+like a native. This inestimable creature has already gone round the town
+on a singing, dancing, and cash-collecting expedition; accompanied by the
+drum, mouth-organ, and _Swivel_. We now find her enchanting the
+flinty-hearted father, _Old Fellum_. Having been instrumental, by means of
+her vocal abilities, in drawing from him a declaration of amorous
+attachment and half-a-crown, she retires, to bury herself in the arms of
+her husband, and to eradicate the score, recorded in chalk, at _Mrs.
+Rummer's_ hotel.
+
+In the meantime _Snozzle_, having sold a plot, proceeds to fulfil the
+bargain by executing it. He enters with PUNCH'S theatre, to treat _Old
+Fellum_ with a second exhibition, and his daughter with an elopement; for
+in the midst of the performance the young lady detects the big drum in the
+act of "winking at her;" and she soon discovers that PUNCH'S orchestra is
+no other than her own lover. _Fellum_ is delighted with the show, to which
+he is attentive enough to allow of the lovers' escaping. He pursues them
+when it is too late, and having been so precipitate in his exit as to
+remember to forget to pay for his amusement, _Swivel_ steals a handsome
+cage, parrot included.
+
+Good gracious! what a scene of confusion and confabulation next takes
+place! _Fellum's_ first stage in pursuit is the public-house; there he
+unwittingly persuades _Mrs. Snozzle_ that her spouse is unfaithful--that
+_he_ it was who "stole away the old man's daughter." _Mrs. Snozzle_ raves,
+and threatens a divorce; _Snozzle_ himself trembles--he suspects the
+police are after him for being the receiver of stolen goods, instead of
+the deceiver of unsuspecting virtue. _Swivel_ dreads being taken up for
+prigging the parrot; and a frightful catastrophe is only averted by the
+entrance of the truant lovers, who have performed the comedy of
+"Matrimony" in a much shorter time than is allowed by the act of
+Parliament.
+
+Mrs. Keeley played the tamburine, and the part of _Snozzle femme_. This
+was more than acting; it was nature enriched with humour--character
+broadly painted without a tinge of caricature. The solemnity of her
+countenance, while performing with her feet, was a correct copy from the
+expression of self-approbation--of the wonder-how-I-do-it-so-well--always
+observable during the dances of the _fair_ sex; her tones when singing
+were unerringly brought from the street; her spangled dress was assuredly
+borrowed from Scowton's caravan. As a work of dramatic art, this
+performance is, of its kind, most complete. Keeley's _Snozzle_ was quiet,
+rich, and philosophical; and Saunders made a Judy of himself with
+unparalleled success. _Frank Finch_ got his deserts in the hands of a Mr.
+Everett; for being a lover, no matter how awkward and ungainly an actor is
+made to represent him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"OH! DAY AND NIGHT, BUT THIS IS WONDROUS STRANGE!"
+
+    "We believe, from the first, _Day_ was intended to mount, and
+    wherefore it was made a mystery we know not.--DOINGS AT
+    DONCASTER."--[Sunday Times.]
+
+  Poor Coronation well may say,
+    "A mystery I mark;
+  Though jockey'd by the _lightest Day_
+    They tried to keep me dark."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+1, September 25, 1841, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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