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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1,
+September 18, 1841, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, September 18, 1841
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14928]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 1.
+
+
+
+FOR THE WEEK ENDING SEPTEMBER 18, 1841.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE HEIR OF APPLEBITE.
+
+CHAPTER IV.
+
+HAS A GREAT DEAL TO SAY ABOUT SOME ONE ELSE BESIDES OUR HERO.
+
+[Illustration: K]Kindness was a characteristic of Agamemnon's disposition,
+and it is not therefore a matter of surprise that "the month"--_the_
+month, _par excellence_, of "all the months i'the kalendar"--produced a
+succession of those annoyances which, in the best regulated families, are
+certain to be partially experienced by the masculine progenitor. O,
+bachelors! be warned in time; let not love link you to his flowery traces
+and draw you into the temple of Hymen! Be not deluded by the glowing
+fallacies of Anacreon and Boccaccio, but remember that they were
+bachelors. There is nothing exhilarating in caudle, nor enchanting in
+Kensington-gardens, when you are converted into a light porter of
+children. We have been married, and are now seventy-one, and wear a "brown
+George;" consequently, we have experience and cool blood in our veins--two
+excellent auxiliaries in the formation of a correct judgment in all
+matters connected with the heart.
+
+Our pen must have been the pinion of a wild goose, or why these continued
+digressions?
+
+Agamemnon's troubles commenced with the first cough of Mrs. Pilcher on the
+door-mat. Mrs. P. was the monthly nurse, and monthly nurses always have a
+short cough. Whether this phenomenon arises from the obesity consequent
+upon arm-chairs and good living, or from an habitual intimation that they
+are present, and have not received half-a-crown, or a systematic
+declaration that the throat is dry, and would not object to a gargle of
+gin, and perhaps a little water, or--but there is no use hunting
+conjecture, when you are all but certain of not catching it.
+
+Mrs. Pilcher was "the moral of a nurse;" she was about forty-eight and
+had, according to her own account, "been the mother of eighteen lovely
+babes, born in wedlock," though her most intimate friends had never been
+introduced to more than one young gentleman, with a nose like a wart, and
+hair like a scrubbing-brush. When he made his _debut_, he was attired in a
+suit of blue drugget, with the pewter order of the parish of St. Clement
+on his bosom; and rumour declared that he owed his origin to half-a-crown
+a week, paid every Saturday. Mrs. Pilcher weighed about thirteen stone,
+including her bundle, and a pint medicine-bottle, which latter article she
+invariably carried in her dexter pocket, filled with a strong tincture of
+juniper berries, and extract of cloves. This mixture had been prescribed
+to her for what she called a "sinkingness," which afflicted her about 10
+A.M., 11 A.M. (dinner), 2 P.M., 3 P.M. 4 P.M. 5 P.M. (tea), 7 P.M., 8 P.M.
+(supper), 10 P.M., and at uncertain intervals during the night.
+
+Mrs. Pilcher was a martyr to a delicate appetite, for she could never
+"make nothing of a breakfast if she warn't coaxed with a Yarmouth bloater,
+a rasher of ham, or a little bit of steak done with the gravy in."
+
+Her luncheon was obliged to be a mutton-chop, or a grilled bone, and a
+pint of porter, bread and cheese having the effect of rendering her "as
+cross as two sticks, and as sour as werjuice." Her dinner, and its
+satellites, tea and supper, were all required to be hot, strong, and
+comfortable. A peculiar hallucination under which she laboured is worthy
+of remark. When eating, it was always her declared conviction that she
+_never drank anything_, and when detected coquetting with a pint pot or a
+tumbler, she was equally assured that she never _did eat anything after
+her breakfast_.
+
+Mrs. Pilcher's duties never permitted her to take anything resembling
+continuous rest; she had therefore another prescription for an hour's doze
+after dinner. Mrs. Pilcher was also troubled with a stiffness of the
+knee-joints, which never allowed her to wait upon herself.
+
+When this amiable creature had deposited herself in Collumpsion's old
+easy-chair, and, with her bundle on her knees, gasped out her first
+inquiry--
+
+"I hopes all's as well as can be expected?"
+
+The heart of _Pater_ Collumpsion trembled in his bosom, for he felt that
+to this incongruous mass was to be confided the first blossom of his
+wedded love; and that for one month the dynasty of 24, Pleasant-terrace
+was transferred from his hands to that of Mrs. Waddledot, his wife's
+mother, and Mrs. Pilcher, the monthly nurse. There was a short struggle
+for supremacy between the two latter personages; but an angry appeal
+having been made to Mrs. Applebite, by the lady, "who had _nussed_ the
+first families in this land, and, in course, know'd her business," Mrs.
+Waddledot was forced to yield to Mrs. Pilcher's bundle in _transitu_, and
+Mrs. Applebite's hysterics in perspective.
+
+Mrs. Pilcher was a nursery Macauley, and had the faculty of discovering
+latent beauties in very small infants, that none but doting parents ever
+believed. Agamemnon was an early convert to her avowed opinions of the
+heir of Applebite, who, like all other heirs of the same age, resembled a
+black boy boiled--that is, if there is any affinity between lobsters and
+niggers. This peculiar style of eloquence rendered her other
+eccentricities less objectionable; and when, upon one occasion, the
+mixture of juniper and cloves had disordered her head, instead of
+comforting her stomachic regions, she excused herself by solemnly
+declaring, that "the brilliancy of the little darling's eyes, and his
+intoxicating manners, had made her feel as giddy as a goose." Collumpsion
+and Theresa both declared her discernment was equal to her caudle, of
+which, by-the-bye, she was an excellent concocter and consumer.
+
+Old John and the rest of the servants, however, had no parental string at
+which Mrs. Pilcher could tug, and the consequence was, that they decided
+that she was an insufferable bore. Old John, in particular, felt the ill
+effects of the heir of Applebite's appearance in the family, and to such a
+degree did they interfere with his old comforts, without increasing his
+pecuniary resources, that he determined one morning, when taking up his
+master's shaving water, absolutely to give warning; for what with the
+morning calls, and continual ringing for glasses--the perpetual
+communication kept up between the laundry-maid and the mangle, and of
+which he was the circulating medium--the insolence of the nurse, who had
+ordered him to carry five soiled--never mind--down stairs: all these
+annoyances combined, the old servant declared were too much for him.
+
+Collumpsion laid his hand on John's shoulder, and pointing to some of the
+little evidences of paternity which had found their way even into his
+dormitory, said, "John, think what I suffer; do not leave me; I'll raise
+your wages, and engage a boy to help you; but you are the only thing that
+reminds me of my happy bachelorhood--you are the only one that can feel
+a--feel a--"
+
+"_Caudle_ regard," interrupted John.
+
+"Caudle be ----." The "rest is silence," for at that moment Mrs.
+Waddledot entered the room, gave a short scream, and went out again.
+
+The month passed, and a hackney-coach, containing a bundle and the
+respectable Mrs. Pilcher, &c., rumbled from the door of No. 24, to the
+infinite delight of old John the footman, Betty the housemaid, Esther the
+nurserymaid, Susan the cook, and Agamemnon Collumpsion Applebite the
+proprietor.
+
+How transitory is earthly happiness! How certain its uncertainty! A little
+week had passed, and the "Heir of Applebite" gave notice of his intention
+to come into his property during an early minority, for his once happy
+progenitor began to entertain serious intentions of employing a coroner's
+jury to sit upon himself, owing to the incessant and "ear-piercing pipe"
+of his little cherub. Vainly did he bury his head beneath the pillow,
+until he was suffused with perspiration--the cry reached him there and
+then. Cold air was pumped into the bed by Mrs. Applebite, as she rocked to
+and fro, in the hope of quieting the "son of the sleepless." Collumpsion
+was in constant communication with the dressing-table--now for moist-sugar
+to stay the hiccough--then for dill-water to allay the stomach-ache. To
+save his little cherub from convulsions, twice was he converted into a
+night-patrole, with the thermometer below zero--a bad fire, with a large
+slate in it, and an empty coal-scuttle.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SURREY ZOOLOGICAL GARDENS.
+
+"Variety," say our school copy-books, "is charming;" hence this must be
+the most charming place of amusement in London. The annexed list of
+entertainments was produced on Tuesday last, when were added to the usual
+_passe-temps_, a flower and fruit show. Wild beasts in cages; flowers of
+all colours and sizes in pots; enormous cabbages; Brobdignag apples;
+immense sticks of rhubarb; a view of Rome; a brass band; a grand Roman
+cavalcade passing over the bridge of St. Angelo; a deafening park of
+artillery, and an enchanting series of pyrotechnic wonders, such as
+catherine-wheels, flower-pots, and rockets; an illumination of St.
+Peter's; blazes of blue-fire, showers of steel-filings, and a grand blow
+up of the castle of St. Angelo.
+
+Such are the entertainments provided by the proprietor. The company--which
+numbered at least from five to six thousand--gave them even greater
+variety. Numerous pic-nic parties were seated about on the grass;
+sandwiches, bottled stout, and (with reverence be it spoken) more potent
+liquors seemed to be highly relished, especially by the ladies. Ices were
+sold at a pastry-cook's stall, where a continued _feu-de-joie_ of
+ginger-pop was kept up during the whole afternoon and evening. In short,
+the scene was one of complete _al fresco_ enjoyment; how could it be
+otherwise? The flowers delighted the eye; Mr. Godfrey's well-trained band
+(to wit, Beethoven's symphony in C minor, with all the fiddle passages
+beautifully executed upon clarionets!) charmed the ear; and the edibles
+and drinkables aforesaid the palate. Under such a press of agreeables, the
+Surrey Zoological Gardens well deserve the name of an Englishman's
+paradise.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+ON THE SCIENCE OF ELECTIONEERING.
+
+To the progress of science and the rapid march of moral improvement the
+most effectual spur that has ever been applied was the Reform Bill. Before
+the introduction of that measure, electioneering was a simple process,
+hardly deserving the name of an art; it has now arrived at the rank of a
+science, the great beauty of which is, that, although complicated in
+practice, it is most easy of acquirement. Under the old system boroughs
+were bought by wholesale, scot and lot; now the traffic is done by retail.
+Formerly there was but one seller; at present there must be some thousands
+at least--all to be bargained with, all to be bought. Thus the "agency"
+business of electioneering has wonderfully increased, and so have the
+expenses.
+
+In fact, an agent is to an election what the main-spring is to a watch; he
+is, in point of fact, the real returning-officer. His importance is not
+less than the talents and tact he is obliged to exert. He must take a
+variety of shapes, must tell a variety of lies, and perform the part of an
+animated contradiction. He must benevolently pay the taxes of one man who
+can't vote while in arrear; and cruelly serve notices of ejectment upon
+another, though he can show his last quarter's receipt--he must attend
+temperance meetings, and make opposition electors too drunk to vote. He
+must shake hands with his greatest enemy, and _palm_ off upon him lasting
+proofs of friendship, and silver-paper hints which way to vote. He must
+make flaming speeches about principle, puns about "interest," and promises
+concerning everything, to everybody. He must never give less than five
+pounds for being shorn by an honest and independent voter, who never
+shaves for less than two-pence--nor under ten, for a four-and-ninepenny
+goss to an uncompromising hatter. He must present ear-rings to wives,
+bracelets to daughters, and be continually broaching a hogshead for
+fathers, husbands, and brothers. He must get up fancy balls, and give away
+fancy dresses to ladies whom he fancies--especially if they fancy his
+candidate, and their husbands fancy them. He must plan charities, organise
+mobs, causing free-schools to be knocked up, and opponents to be knocked
+down. Finally, he must do all these acts, and spend all these sums purely
+for the good of his country; for, although a select committee of the house
+tries the validity of the election--though they prove bribery,
+intimidation, and treating to everybody's satisfaction, yet they always
+find out that the candidate has had nothing to do with it--that the agent
+is not _his_ agent, but has acted solely on patriotic grounds; by which he
+is often so completely a martyr, that he is, after all, actually
+prosecuted for bribery, by order of the very house which he has helped to
+fill, and by the very man (as a part of the parliament) he has himself
+returned.
+
+That this great character might not be lost to posterity, we furnish our
+readers with the portrait of
+
+[Illustration: AN ELECTION AGENT.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE STATISTICAL SOCIETY.
+
+This useful society will shortly publish its Report; and, though we have
+not seen it, we are enabled to guess with tolerable accuracy what will be
+the contents of it:
+
+In the first place, we shall be told the number of pins picked up in the
+course of the day, by a person walking over a space of fifteen miles round
+London, with the number of those not picked up; an estimate of the class
+of persons that have probably dropped them, with the use they were being
+put to when they actually fell; and how they have been applied afterwards.
+
+The Report will also put the public in possession of the number of
+pot-boys employed in London; what is the average number of pots they carry
+out; and what is the gross weight of metal in the pots brought back again.
+This interesting head will include a calculation of how much beer is
+consumed by children who are sent to fetch it in jugs; and what is the
+whole amount of malt liquor, the value of which reaches the producer's
+pocket, while the mouth of the consumer, and not that of the party paying
+for it, receives the sole benefit.
+
+There are also to be published with the Report elaborate tables, showing
+how many quarts of milk are spilt in the course of a year in serving
+customers; what proportion of water it contains; and what are the average
+ages and breed of the dogs who lap it up; and how much is left unlapped up
+to be absorbed in the atmosphere.
+
+When this valuable Report is published, we shall make copious extracts.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A NOVEL ENTERTAINMENT.
+
+DRURY-LANE THEATRE.
+
+Novelty is certainly the order of the day. Anything that does not deviate
+from the old beaten track meets with little encouragement from the present
+race of amusement-seekers, and, consequently, does not pay the
+_entrepreneur_. Nudity in public adds fresh charms to the orchestra, and
+red-fire and crackers have become absolutely essential to harmony. Acting
+upon this principle, Signor Venafra _gave_ (we admire the term) a fancy
+dress ball at Drury-lane Theatre on Monday evening last, upon a plan
+hitherto unknown in England, but possibly, like the majority of deceptive
+delusions now so popular, of continental origin. The whole of the
+evening's entertainment took place in cabs and hackney-coaches, and those
+vehicles performed several perfectly new and intricate figures in
+Brydges-street, and the other thoroughfares adjoining the theatres. The
+music provided for the occasion appeared to be an organ-piano, which
+performed incessantly at the corner of Bow-street, during the evening.
+Most of the _élite_ of Hart-street and St. Giles's graced the animated
+pavement as spectators. So perfectly successful was the whole affair--on
+the word of laughing hundreds who came away saying they had never been so
+amused in their lives--that we hear it is in agitation never to attempt
+anything of the kind again.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+DONE AGAIN.
+
+Dunn, the bailless barrister, complained to his friend Charles Phillips,
+that upon the last occasion he had the happiness of meeting Miss Burdett
+Coutts on the Marine Parade, notwithstanding all he has gone through for
+her, she would not condescend to take the slightest notice of him. So far
+from offering anything in the shape of consolation, the witty barrister
+remarked, "Upon my soul, her conduct was in perfect keeping with her
+situation, for what on earth could be more in unison with a sea-view than
+
+[Illustration: A CUTTER ON THE BEACH?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+It is well known that the piers of Westminster Bridge have considerably
+sunk since their first erection. They are not the only peers, in the same
+neighbourhood that have become lowered in the position they once occupied.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+ASSERTION OF THE UNINTELLIGIBLE.
+
+OR, "A KANTITE'S" FLIGHTS AT AN EXORDIUM.
+
+
+FLIGHT THE FIRST.
+
+He who widely, yet ascensively, expatiates in those in-all-ways-sloping
+fields of metaphysical investigation which perplex whilst they captivate,
+and bewilder whilst they allure, cannot evitate the perception of
+perception's fallibility, nor avoid the conclusion (if that can be called
+a conclusion to which, it may be said, there are no premises extant) that
+the external senses are but deceptive _media_ of interior mental
+communication. It behoves the ardent, youthful explorator, therefore, to
+----, &c. &c.
+
+FLIGHT THE SECOND.
+
+In the Promethean persecutions which assail the insurgent mentalities of
+the youth and morning vigour of the inexpressible human soul, when,
+flushed with Ĉolian light, and, as it were, beaded with those lustrous
+dews which the eternal Aurora lets fall from her melodious lip; if it
+escape living from the beak of the vulture (no fable here!), then, indeed,
+it may aspire to ----, &c. &c.
+
+FLIGHT THE THIRD.
+
+If, with waxen Icarian wing, we seek to ascend to that skiey elevation
+whence only can the understretching regions of an impassive mutability be
+satisfactorily contemplated; and if, in our heterogeneous ambition,
+aspirant above self-capacity, we approach too near the flammiferous Titan,
+and so become pinionless, and reduced again to an earthly prostration,
+what marvel is it, that ----, &c. &c.
+
+FLIGHT THE FOURTH.
+
+When the perennial Faustus, ever-resident in the questioning spirit of
+immortal man, attempts his first outbreak into the domain of unlimited
+inquiry, unless he take heed of the needfully-cautious prudentialities of
+mundane observance, there infallibly attends him a fatal Mephistophelean
+influence, of which the malign tendency, from every conclusion of
+eventuality, is to plunge him into perilous vast cloud-waves of the
+dream-inhabited vague. Let, then, the young student of infinity ----, &c.
+&c.
+
+FLIGHT THE FIFTH.
+
+Inarched within the boundless empyrean of thought, starry with wonder, and
+constellate with investigation; at one time obfuscated in the abysm-born
+vapours of doubt; at another, radiant with the sun-fires of faith made
+perfect by fruition; it can amaze no considerative fraction of humanity,
+that the explorer of the indefinite, the searcher into the
+not-to-be-defined, should, at dreary intervals, invent dim, plastic
+riddles of his own identity, and hesitate at the awful shrine of that
+dread interrogatory alternative--reality, or dream? This deeply pondering,
+let the eager beginner in the at once linear and circumferent course of
+philosophico-metaphysical contemplativeness, introductively assure himself
+that ----, &c. &c.
+
+FINAL FLIGHT.
+
+As, "in the silence and overshadowing of that night whose fitful meteoric
+fires only herald the descent of a superficial fame into lasting oblivion,
+the imbecile and unavailing resistance which is made against the doom must
+often excite our pity for the pampered child of market-gilded popularity;"
+and as "it is not with such feelings that we behold the dark thraldom and
+long-suffering of true intellectual strength," of which the "brief, though
+frequent, soundings beneath the earthly pressure will be heard even amidst
+the din of flaunting crowds, or the solemn conclaves of common-place
+minds," of which the "obscured head will often shed forth ascending beams
+that can only be lost in eternity;" and of which the "mighty struggles to
+upheave its own weight, and that of the superincumbent mass of prejudice,
+envy, ignorance, folly, or uncongenial force, must ever ensure the deepest
+sympathy of all those who can appreciate the spirit of its qualities;" let
+the initiative skyward struggles towards the zenith-abysses of the inane
+impalpable ----, &c. &c. &c. &c. &c. &c.
+
+_Dramatic Authors' Theatre, Sept. 16, 1841._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+HUMANE SUGGESTION.
+
+MASTER PUNCH,--Mind ye's, I've been to see these here _Secretens_ at the
+English Uproar 'Ouse, and thinks, mind ye's, they aint by no means the
+werry best Cheshire; but what I want to know is this here--Why don't they
+give that wenerable old genelman, Mr. Martinussy, the Hungry Cardinal,
+something to eat?--he is a continually calling out for some of his
+Countrys Weal, (which, I dare say, were werry good) and he don't never git
+so much as a sandvich dooring the whole of his life and death--I mention
+dese tings, because, mind ye's, it aint werry kind of none on 'em.
+
+I remains, Mr. PUNCH, Sir, yours truly,
+
+DEF BURKE,
+
+[Illustration: HIS MARK.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+DIALOGUE BETWEEN THE STATUE OF GEORGE CANNING AND SIR ROBERT PEEL.
+
+The new Premier was taking a solitary stroll the other evening through
+Palace-yard, meditating upon the late turn which had brought the Tories to
+the top of the wheel and the Whigs to the bottom, and pondering on the
+best ways and means of keeping his footing in the slippery position that
+had cost him so much labour to attain. While thus employed, with his eyes
+fixed on the ground, and his hands buried in his breeches-pockets, he
+heard a voice at no great distance, calling in familiar tone--
+
+"Bob! Bob!--I say, Bob!"
+
+The alarmed Baronet stopped, and looked around him to discover the
+speaker, when, casting his eyes upon the statue of George Canning in the
+enclosure of Westminster Abbey, he was astonished to perceive it nodding
+its head at him, like the statue in "Don Giovanni," in a "How d'ye do?"
+kind of way. Sir Robert, who, since his introduction to the Palace, has
+grown perilously polite, took off his hat, and made a low bow to the
+figure.
+
+STATUE.--Bah! no nonsense, Bob, with me! Put on your hat, and come over
+here, close to the railings, while I have a little private confab with
+you. So, you have been called in at last?
+
+PEEL.--Yes. Her Majesty has done me the honour to command my services; and
+actuated by a sincere love of my country, I obeyed the wishes of my Royal
+Mistress, and accepted office; though, if I had consulted my own
+inclinations, I should have preferred the quiet path of private--
+
+STATUE.--Humbug! You forget yourself, Bob; you are not now at Tamworth, or
+in the house, but talking to an old hand that knows every move on the
+political board,--you need have no disguise with me. Come, be candid for
+once, and tell me, what are your intentions?
+
+PEEL.--Why, then, candidly, to keep my place as long as I can--
+
+STATUE.--Undoubtedly; that is the first duty of every patriotic minister!
+But the means, Bob?
+
+PEEL--Oh! Cant--cant--nothing but cant! I shall talk of my feeling for the
+wants of the people, while I pick their pockets; bestow my pity upon the
+manufacturers, while I tax the bread that feeds their starving families;
+and proclaim my sympathy with the farmers, while I help the arrogant
+landlords to grind them into the dust.
+
+STATUE.--Ah! I perceive yon understand the true principles of legislation.
+Now, _I_ once really felt what you only feign. In my time, I attempted to
+carry out my ideas of amelioration, and wanted to improve the moral and
+physical condition of the people, but--
+
+PEEL.--You failed. Few gave you credit for purely patriotic motives--and
+still fewer believed you to be sincere in your professions. Now, _my_ plan
+is much easier, and safer. Give the people fair promises--they don't cost
+much--but nothing besides promises; the moment you attempt to realise the
+hopes you have raised, that moment you raise a host of enemies against
+yourself.
+
+STATUE.--But if you make promises, the nation will demand a fulfilment of
+them.
+
+PEEL.--I have an answer ready for all comers--"Wait awhile!" 'Tis a famous
+soother for all impatient grumblers. It kept the Whigs in office for ten
+years, and I see no reason why it should not serve our turn as long.
+Depend upon it, "Wait awhile" is the great secret of Government.
+
+STATUE.--Ah! I believe you are right. I now see that I was only a novice
+in the trade of politics. By the bye, Bob, I don't at all like my
+situation here; 'tis really very uncomfortable to be exposed to all
+weathers--scorched in summer, and frost-nipped in winter. Though I am only
+a statue, I feel that I ought to be protected.
+
+PEEL.--Undoubtedly, my dear sir. What can I do for you?
+
+STATUE.--Why, I want to get into the Abbey, St. Paul's, or Drury Lane.
+Anywhere out of the open air.
+
+PEEL.--Say no more--it shall be done. I am only too happy to have it in my
+power to serve the statue of a man to whom his country is so deeply
+indebted.
+
+STATUE.--But _when_ shall it be done, Bob? To-morrow?
+
+PEEL.--Not precisely to-morrow; but--
+
+STATUE.--Next week, then?
+
+PEEL.--I can't say; but don't be impatient--rely on my promise, and _wait
+awhile, wait awhile_, my dear friend. Good night.
+
+STATUE.--Oh! confound your _wait awhile_. I see I have nothing to expect.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE BEAUTY OF BRASS.
+
+Tom Duncombe declares he never passes McPhail's imitative-gold mart
+without thinking of Ben D'Israeli's speeches, as both of them are so
+confoundedly full of fantastic
+
+[Illustration: MOSAIC ORNAMENTS.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH AT THE ART-UNION EXHIBITION AGAIN
+
+Limited space in our last number prevented our noticing any other than the
+Sleeping Beauty; and, as there are many other humorous productions
+possessing equal claims to our attention in the landscape and other
+departments of art, we shall herein endeavour to point out their
+characteristics--more for the advantage of future purchasers than for the
+better and further edification of those whose meagre notions and tastes
+have already been shown. And as the Royal Academicians, par courtesy,
+demand our first notice, we shall, having wiped off D. M'Clise, R.A., now
+proceed, baton in hand, to make a few pokes at W.F. Witherington, R.A.,
+upon his work entitled "Winchester Tower, Windsor Castle, from Romney
+Lock."
+
+This is a subject which has been handled many times within our
+recollection, by artists of less name, less fame, and less pretensions to
+notice, if we except the undeniable fact of their displaying infinitely
+more ability in their representations of the subject, than can by any
+possibility be discovered in the one by W. F. Witherington, R.A. If our
+remarks were made with an affectionate eye to the young ladies of the
+satin-album-loving school, we should assuredly style this "a duck of a
+picture"--one after their own hearts--treated in mild and undisturbed
+tones of yellow, blue, and pink--and what yellows! what blues! and what
+pinks! Some kind, superintending genius of landscape-painting evidently
+prepared the scene for W.F. Witherington, R.A. It displays nothing of the
+vulgar every-day look of nature, as seen at Romney Lock, or any other
+spot; not a pebble out of its place--not a leaf deranged--here are bright
+amber trees, and blue metallic towers, prepared gravel-walks, and figures
+nicely cleaned and bleached to suit; it is, in truth, the most genteel
+landscape ever looked on. Nothing but absolute needlework can create more
+wonderment. Fie! fie! get thee hence, W.F. Witherington, R.A.
+
+Just placed over the last-mentioned picture, and, doubtlessly so arranged
+that the gentle R.A. should find that, although his bright specimen of
+mild murder may be adjudged the worst in the collection, still there are
+others worthy of being classed in the same order of oddities. Behold No.
+19, entitled, "Landscape--Evening--J.F. Gilbert," and selected by Mr. John
+Bullock from the Royal Academy. "What's in a name?" In the charitable hope
+that there is a chance of this purchaser being toned down in the course of
+time, after the same manner that pictures are, and, by that process,
+display more sobriety, we most humbly offer to Mr. B. our modest judgment
+upon his selection (not upon his choice, but upon the thing chosen). That
+it is a landscape we gloomily admit; but that it represents "Evening" we
+steadily deny. The exact period of the day, after much puzzling and
+deliberation, we cannot arrive at; one thing yet we are assured of--that
+it has been painted in company with a clock that was either too fast or
+too slow. The composition, which has very much the appearance of the
+by-gone century, is a prime selection from the finest parts of those very
+serene views to be found adorning the lowest interiors of wash-hand
+basins, with a dash from the works of Smith of Chichester, whose mental
+elevation in his profession was only surpassed by the high finish of his
+apple-trees, and the elaborate nothingness of his general choice of
+subject. In the foreground of the picture, the artist has, however, most
+aptly introduced the two vagabonds invariably to be seen idling in the
+foregrounds of landscapes of this class--two rascally scouts who have put
+in appearance from time immemorial; they are here just as in the works
+alluded to, the one sitting, the other of course standing, and courteously
+bending to receive the remarks of his friend. By the side of the stream,
+which flows through (or rather takes up) the middle of the picture, and
+immediately opposite to the two everlastings, is a little plain-looking
+agriculturist, who appears to be watching them. He is in the careless and
+ever-admitted picturesque position of leaning over a garden fence; but
+whether the invariables are aware of the little gentleman, and are
+consequently conversing in an undertone, we leave every beholder to
+speculate and settle for himself. Behind the worthy small farmer, and
+coming from the door of his residence, most cleverly introduced, is his
+wife (we know it to represent the wife, from the clear fact of the lady's
+appearance being typical of the gentleman's), who is in the act of
+observing that the children are waiting his presence at table, and adding,
+no doubt, that he had better come in and assist her in the
+cabbage-and-bacon duties of the repast, than lose his time and annoy the
+family.
+
+We must now draw the spectator from the above-mentioned objects to a
+little piscatorial sportsman, who, apart from them, and in the retirement
+of his own thoughts upon worms, ground-bait, and catgut, lends his aid,
+together with a lively little amateur waterman, paddling about in a little
+boat, selfishly built to hold none other than himself--a hill rising in
+the middle ground, and two or three minor editions of the same towards the
+distance, carefully dotted with trees, after the fashion of a ready-made
+portable park from the toy _depot_ in the Lowther Arcade--two bee-hives, a
+water-mill, some majestic smoke, something that looks like a skein of
+thread thrown over a mountain, and the memorable chiaro-scuro, form the
+interesting episodes of this glorious essay in the epic pastoral.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SYNCRETIC LITERATURE
+
+    _Observations on the Epic Poem of Giles Scroggins and Molly
+    Brown--resumed._
+
+The fatal operation of the unavoidable, ever-impending, ruthless shears of
+the stern controller of human destiny, and curtailer of human life--the
+action by which
+
+  "Fate's scissors cut Giles Scroggins' thread,"
+
+or rather the thread of Giles Scroggins' life, at once and most completely
+establishes the wholesome moral as to the fearful uncertainty of all
+sublunary anticipations, and stands forth a beautiful beacon to warn the
+over-weaning "worldly wisemen" from their often too-fondly-cherished
+dreams of realising, by their own means and appliances, the darling
+projects of their ambitious hopes!
+
+The immediate effect of the operation performed by Fate's scissors, or
+rather by Fate herself--as she was the great and absolute disposer--to
+whom the implement employed was but a matter of fancy; for had Fate so
+chosen, a bucket, a bowie-knife, a brick-bat, a black cap, or a box of
+patent pills, might, as well as her destructive shears, have made a tenant
+for a yawning grave of doomed Giles Scroggins. We say, the immediate
+effect arising from this cutting cause was one in which both parties--the
+living bride and defunct bridegroom--were equally concerned, their lover's
+co-partnership rendering each liable for the acts or accidents of the
+other; therefore as may be (and we think is) clearly established, under
+these circumstances,
+
+  "They could _not_ be _mar-ri_-ed!"
+
+There is something deliciously affecting in the beautiful drawing out of
+the last syllable!--it seems like the lingering of the heart's best
+feelings upon the blighted prospects of its purest joys!--the ceremony
+that would have completed the union of the loving maiden and admiring
+swain, blending, as it were, like the twin prongs of a brass-bound
+toasting-fork, their interests in one common cause. The ceremony of love's
+concentration can never be performed! but the heart-feeling poet extends
+each tiny syllable even to its utmost stretch, that the tear-dropping
+reader may, while gulping down his sympathies, make at least a handsome
+mouthful of the word.
+
+We now approach, with considerable awe, a portion of our task to which we
+beg to call the undivided attention of our erudite readers. Upon referring
+to the original black-letter quarto, we find, after each particular
+sentence, the author introduces, with consummate tact, a line, meant, as
+we presume, as a kind of literary resting-place, upon which the delighted
+mind might, in the sweet indulgence of repose, reflect with greater
+pleasure on the thrilling parts, made doubly thrilling by the poet's fire.
+The diversity of these, if we may so express them, "camp stools" of
+imagination, is worthy of remark, both as to their application and
+amplitude. For instance, after _one_ line, and that if perused with
+attention, comparatively less abstruse than its fellows, the gifted poet
+satisfies himself with the insertion of three sonorous, but really simple
+syllables, they are invariably at follows--
+
+  "Too-ral-loo!"
+
+But when _two_ lines of the poem--burning with thought, bursting with
+action--entrance by their sublimity the enraptured reader, greater time is
+given, and more extended accommodation for a mental sit-down is afforded
+in the elaborate and elongated composition of
+
+  "Whack! fol-de-riddle lol-de-day!"
+
+These introductions are of a high classic origin. Many professors of
+eminence have quarrelled as to whether they were not the original of the
+"Greek chorus;" while others, of equal erudition, have as stoutly
+maintained, though closely approximating in character and purpose, they
+are not the "originals," but imitations, and decidedly admirable ones,
+from those celebrated poets.
+
+A Mr. William Waters, a gentleman of immense travel, one who had left the
+burning zone of the far East to visit the more chilling gales of a
+European climate, a philosopher of the sect known as the "Peripatetic," a
+devoted follower of the heathen Nine, whose fostering care has ever been
+devoted to the tutelage of the professors of sweet sounds; and therefore
+Waters was a high authority, declared in the peculiar _patois_ attendant
+upon the pronunciation of a foreign mode of speech--that
+
+  "Too-ral-loo"
+
+was to catch him wind! And
+
+  "Whack! fol-de-riddle lol-de-day,"
+
+to let "um rosin up him fuddlestick!" These deductions are practical, if
+not poetical; but these are but the emanations from the brain of
+one--hundreds of other commentators differ from his view.
+
+The most erudite linguists are excessively puzzled as to the nation whose
+peculiar language has been resorted to for these singular and unequalled
+introductions. The
+
+  "Too-ral-loo"
+
+has been given up in despair. The nearest solution was that of an eminent
+arithmetician, who conjectured from the word too (Anglice, _two_)--and the
+use of the four cyphers--those immediately following the T and L--that
+they were intended to convey some notion of the personal property of Giles
+Scroggins or Molly Brown (he never made up his mind which of the two); and
+merely wanted the following marks to render them plain:--
+
+T--oo (_two_)--either shillings or pence--and L--oo: no pounds!
+
+This may or may not be right, but the research and ingenuity deserve the
+immortality we now confer upon it. The other line, the
+
+  "Whack! fol-de-riddle lol-de-day!"
+
+has, perhaps, given rise to far more controversy, with certainly less
+tangible and satisfactory results.
+
+The scene of the poem not being expressly stated in the original or early
+black-letter translation, many persons--whose love of country prompted
+their wishes--have endeavoured to attach a nationality to these gordian
+knots of erudition. An Hibernian gentleman of immense research--the
+celebrated "Darby Kelly"--has openly asserted the whole affair to be
+decidedly of Milesian origin: and, amid a vast number of corroborative
+circumstances, strenuously insists upon the solidity of his premises and
+deductions by triumphantly exclaiming, "What, or who but an _Irish_ poet
+and an Irish hero, would commence a matter of so much consequence with the
+soul-stirring "whack!" adopted by the great author, and put into the mouth
+of his chosen hero?" Others again have supposed--which is also far more
+improbable--that much of the obscurity of the above passage has its origin
+from simple mis-spelling on the part of the poet's amanuensis--he taking
+the literal dictation, forgetting the sublime author was suffering from a
+cold in the head, which rendered the words in sound--
+
+  "Riddle _lol_ the lay;"
+
+whereas they would otherwise have been pronounced--
+
+  "Riddle--_all the day_"--
+
+that being an absolute and positive allusion to the agricultural pursuits
+of Giles Scroggins, he being generally employed by his more wealthy
+master--a great agrarian of those times--in the manly though somewhat
+fatiguing occupation of "riddling all the day:" an occupation which--like
+this article--was to be frequently resumed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A NEW THEORY OF POCKETS.
+
+    DEFINITION _Pocket_, s. the small bag inserted into
+    clothes.--WALKER (_a new edition, by Hookey_).
+
+We are great on the subject of pockets--we acknowledge it--we avow it.
+From our youth upwards, and we are venerable now, we have made them the
+object of untiring research, analysis, and speculation; and if our
+exertions have occasionally involved us in contingent predicaments, or our
+zeal laid us open to conventional misconstructions, we console ourselves
+with Galileo and Tycho Brahe, who having, like us, discovered and arranged
+systems too large for the scope of the popular intellect, like us, became
+the martyrs of those great principles of science which they have
+immortalized themselves by teaching.
+
+The result of a course of active and careful (s)peculations on the
+philosophy and economy of pockets, has led us to the conviction that their
+intention and use are but very imperfectly understood, even by the
+intelligent and reflective section of the community. It is, we fear, a
+very common error to regard them as conventional recesses, adapted for the
+reception and deposit of such luxurious additaments to the attire as are
+detached, yet accessory and indispensable ministers to our comfort. Now
+this delusive supposition is diametrically opposed to the truth. Pockets
+(we must be plain)--pockets are not made _to put into_, but to _take out
+of_; and, although it is of course necessary that, in order to produce the
+result of withdrawal, they be previously furnished with the wherewithal to
+withdraw, yet the process of insertion and supply is only carried on for
+the purpose of assisting the operation of the system.
+
+And having, we trust, logically established this point, we shall hazard no
+incautious position in asserting that the man who empties a pocket,
+fulfils the object for which it was founded and established. And although,
+unhappily, a prejudice still exists in the minds of the uneducated, in
+favour of emptying their own pockets themselves, it must be evident that
+none but a narrow mind can take umbrage at the trifling acceleration of an
+event which must inevitably occur; or would desire to appropriate the
+credit of the distribution, as well as to deserve the merit of the supply.
+
+We perceive with concern and apprehension, that pockets are gradually
+falling into disuse. To use the flippant idiom of the day, they are going
+out! This is an alarming, as well as a lamentable fact; and one, too,
+strikingly illustrative of the degeneracy of modern fashions. Whether we
+ascribe the change to a contemptuous neglect of ancestral institutions, or
+to an increasing difficulty in furnishing the indispensable attributes of
+the pocket, it is alike indicative of a crisis; and we confess that it is
+matter of astonishment to us, that in these days of theory and hypothesis,
+no man has ventured to trace the distress and the ruin now impending over
+the country, to the increasing disrespect and disuse of--pockets.
+
+By way of approving our conjecture, let us contrast the garments of the
+hour with those of England in the olden time--long ago, when boards smoked
+and groaned under a load of good things in every man's house; when the
+rich took care of the poor, and the poor took care of themselves; when
+husband and wife married for love, and lived happily (though that must
+have been very long ago indeed); the athletic yeoman proceeded to his
+daily toil, enveloped in garments instinct with pockets. The ponderous
+watch--the plethoric purse--the massive snuff-box--the dainty
+tooth-pick--the grotesque handkerchief; all were accommodated and
+cherished in the more ample recesses of his coat; while supplementary fobs
+were endeared to him by their more seductive contents: _as_ ginger
+lozenges, love-letters, and turnpike-tickets. Such were the days on which
+we should reflect with regret; such were the men whom we should imitate
+and revere. Had such a character as we have endeavoured feebly to sketch,
+met an individual enveloped in a shapeless cylindrical tube of pale
+Macintosh--impossible for taste--incapable of pockets--indefinite and
+indefinable--we question whether he would have regarded him in the light
+of a maniac, an incendiary, or a foreign spy--whether he would not have
+handed him immediately over to the exterminators of the law, as a being
+too depraved, too degraded for human sympathy. And yet--for our prolixity
+warns us to conclude--and yet the festering contagion of this baneful
+example is now-a-days hidden under the mask of fashion. FASHION! and has
+it indeed come to this? Is fashion to trample on the best and finest
+feelings of our nature? Is fashion to be permitted to invade us in our
+green lanes, and our high roads, under our vines and our fig-trees,
+without hindrance, and without pockets? For the sake of human nature, we
+hope not--for the sake of our bleeding country, we hope not. No! "Take
+care of your pockets!" is one of the earliest maxims instilled into the
+youthful mind; and emphatically do we repeat to our
+fellow-countrymen--Englishmen, take care of your pockets!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH'S THEATRE.
+
+[Illustration: C]Critics, as well as placemen, are occasionally
+sinecurists, and, like the gentlemen of England immortalised by Dibdin,
+are able, now and then, to "live at home at ease"--to dine (on dining
+days) in comfort, not having to rise from table to give authors or actors
+their dessert. This kind of novelty in our lives takes place when managers
+produce no novelties in their theatres; when authors are lazy, and actors
+do not come out in new parts but are contented with wearing out old
+ones--when, in short, such an eventless theatrical week as the past one
+leaves us to the enjoyment of our own hookahs, and the port of our
+cellar-keeping friends. The play-bills seem to have been printed from
+stereotype, for, like the laws of the Medes and Persians, they have never
+altered--since our last report.
+
+This unexpected hot weather has visited the public with many a "Midsummer
+night's dream," _although_ it is--and Covent Garden has opened _because_
+it is September; Sheridan's "Critic" has been very busy there, though
+PUNCH'S has had nothing to do. "London Assurance" is still seen to much
+advantage, and so is Madame Vestris.
+
+The Haymarket manager continues to wade knee-deep in tragedy, in spite of
+the state of the weather. The fare is, however, too good for any change in
+the _carte_. "Werner" forms a substantial standing dish. The "Boarding
+School" makes a most palpable _entrée_; while "Bob Short," and "My Friend
+the Captain," serve as excellent after-courses. The promises recorded in
+the Haymarket bills are, a new tragedy by a new author, and an old comedy
+called "Riches;" a certain hit, if the continued success of "Money" be any
+criterion.
+
+It is with feelings of the most rabid indignation that we approach the
+_Strand Theatre_, and the ruthless threat its announcements put forth of
+the future destruction of the only legitimate drama that is now left
+amongst us; that is to say, "PUNCH." When Thespis and his pupil Phynicus
+"came out" at the feasts of Bacchus; when "Roscius was an actor in Rome;"
+when Scaramouch turned the Materia Medica into a farce, and became a quack
+doctor in Italy; when Richardson set up his show in England--all these
+geniuses were peregrinate, peripatetic--their scenes were really moving
+ones, their tragic woes went upon wheels, their comedies were run through
+at the rate of so many miles per hour; the entire drama was, in fact, a
+travelling concern. Punch, the concentrated essence of all these, has, up
+to this date, preserved the pristine purity of his peripatetic fame; he
+still remains on circuit, he still retains his legitimacy. But, alas! ere
+this sheet has passed through the press, while its ink is yet as wet as
+our dear Judy's eyes, he will have fallen from his high estate: Hall will
+have housed him! Punch will have taken a stationary stand at the Strand
+Theatre!! The last stroke will have been given to the only ancient drama
+remaining, except the tragedies of Sophocles, and "Gammer Gurton's
+Needle."
+
+With feelings of both sorrow and anger, we turn from the pedestrian to the
+equestrian drama. The Surrey has again, as of yore, become the Circus; she
+has been joined to Ducrow and his stud by the usual symbol of union--a
+_ring_. "Mazeppa" is _ridden_ by Mr. Cartlitch, with great success, and
+the wild horse performed by an animal so highly trained, that it is as
+tame as a lap-dog--has galloped through a score or so of nights, to the
+delight of some thousands of spectators. The scenes in the circle exhibit
+the usual _round_ of entertainment, and the _Merryman_ delivers those
+reliques of antique facetiĉ which have descended to the clowns of the
+ring from generation to generation, without the smallest innovation. Thus
+the Surrey shows symptoms of high prosperity, and properly declines to fly
+in Fortune's face by attempting novelty.
+
+The Victoria continues to kill "James Dawson," in spite of our prediction.
+The bills, however, promise that he shall die outright on Monday next, and
+a happy release it will be. The proprietor of "Sadler's Wells" is making
+most spirited efforts to attract play-goers to the Islington side of the
+New River, by a return to the legitimate drama of _his_ theatre,
+viz.--real water; while his box check-taker has kept one important integer
+of the public away; namely, that singular plural _we_--by impertinence for
+which we have exhausted all patience without obtaining redress.
+
+There are, we hear, other theatres open in London, one called the "City of
+London," somewhere near Shoreditch; another in Whitechapel, both _terrĉ
+incognitĉ_ to us. The proprietors of these have handsomely presented us
+with free admissions. We beg them to accept our thanks for their courtesy;
+but are sorry we cannot avail ourselves of it till they add the obligation
+of providing us with _guides_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE CORN LAWS AND CHRISTIANITY.
+
+Doctor Chalmers refused to attend the synod of Clergymen gathered together
+to consider the relative value of the Big and Little Loaf, on the ground
+that the reverend gentlemen were beginning their work at the wrong end.
+Wages will go up with Christianity, says the Doctor; cheap corn will
+follow the dissemination of cheap Bibles. "I know of no other road for the
+indefinite advancement of the working classes to a far better
+remuneration, and, of course, a far more liberal maintenance, in return
+for their toils, than they have ever yet enjoyed--it is a _universal
+Christian education_." Such are the words of Doctor CHALMERS.
+
+We perfectly agree with the reverend doctor. Instead of shipping
+Missionaries to Africa, let us keep those Christian sages at home for the
+instruction of the English Aristocracy. When we consider the benighted
+condition of the elegant savages of the western squares,--when we reflect
+upon the dreadful scepticism abounding in Park-lane, May-fair,
+Portland-place and its vicinity,--when we contemplate the abominable idols
+which these unhappy natives worship in their ignorance,--when we know that
+every thought, every act of their misspent life is dedicated to a false
+religion, when they make hourly and daily sacrifice to that brazen
+serpent,
+
+        SELF!--
+
+when they offer up the poor man's sweat to the abomination,--when they lay
+before it the crippled child of the factory,--when they take from life its
+bloom and dignity, and degrading human nature to mere brute breathing,
+make offering of its wretchedness as the most savoury morsel to the
+perpetual craving of their insatiate god,--when we consider all the
+"manifold sins and wickednesses" of the barbarians in purple and fine
+linen, of those pampered savages "whose eyes are red with wine and whose
+teeth white with milk,"--we do earnestly hope that the suggestion of
+Doctor Chalmers will be carried into immediate practical effect, and that
+Missionaries, preaching true Christianity, will be sent among the rich and
+benighted people of this country,--so that the poor may believe that the
+Scriptures are something more than mere printed paper, seeing their
+glorious effects in the awakened hearts of those who, in the arrogance of
+their old idolatry, called themselves their betters!
+
+"A universal Christian education!" To this end, the Bench of Bishops meet
+at Lambeth; and discovering that locusts and wild honey--the Baptist's
+diet--may be purchased for something less than ten thousand a year,--and,
+after a minute investigation of the Testament, failing to discover the
+name of St. Peter's coachmaker, or of St. Paul's footman, his valet, or
+his cook,--take counsel one with another, and resolve to forego at least
+nine-tenths of their yearly in-comings. "No!" they exclaim--and what
+apostolic brightness beams in the countenance of CANTERBURY--what
+celestial light plays about the fleshy head of LONDON--what more than
+saint-like beauty surprises the cowslip-coloured face of EXETER--what
+lambent fire, what looks of Christian love play about and beam from the
+whole episcopal Bench!--"No!" they cry--"we will no longer have the spirit
+oppressed by these cumbrous trappings of fleshy pride! We will promote an
+universal Christian education--we will teach charity by examples, and live
+unto all men by a personal abstinence from the bickerings and malice of
+civil life. We will not defile the sacred lawn with the mud of turnpike
+acts--we will no longer sweat in the House of Lords, but labour only in
+the House of the Lord!"
+
+Their Christian hearts sweetly suffused with sudden meekness, the Bishops
+proceed--staff in hand, and Bible under arm--from Lambeth Palace. How the
+people make way for the holy procession! Hackney-coachmen on their stands
+uncover themselves, and the drayman, surprised in his whistle, doffs his
+beaver to the reverend pilgrims. With measured step and slow, they proceed
+to Downing-street; the self-deputed Missionaries, resolved to give her
+Majesty's ministers "a Christian education." Sir ROBERT PEEL is
+immediately taken in hand by the Bishop of EXETER; who sets the Baronet to
+learn and exemplify the practical beauties of the Lord's Prayer. When Sir
+ROBERT comes to "give us this day our daily bread," he insists upon adding
+the words "_with a sliding scale_." However, EXETER, animated by a sudden
+flux of Christianity, keeps the baronet to his lesson, and the Premier is
+regenerated; yea, is "a brand snatched from the fire."
+
+Lord LYNDHURST makes a great many wry mouths at some parts of the
+Decalogue--we will not particularise them--but the Bishop of London is
+resolute, and the new Lord Chancellor is, in all respects a bran-new
+Christian.
+
+Lord STANLEY begs that when he prays for power to forgive all his enemies,
+he may be permitted to except from that prayer--DANIEL O'CONNELL. The
+Bishop is, however, inexorable; and O'Connell is to be prayed for, in all
+churches visited by Lord STANLEY.
+
+Several of the bishops, smitten by the heathen darkness of the great
+majority of the Cabinet--affected by their utter ignorance of the
+practical working of Christianity--burst into tears. It will not be
+credited by those disposed to think charitably of their fellow-creatures,
+that--we state the melancholy fact upon the golden word of the Bishop of
+EXETER--several Cabinet ministers had never heard of the divine sentence
+which enjoins upon us to do to others as we would they should do unto us.
+Sir JAMES GRAHAM, for instance, declared that he had always understood the
+passage to simply run--"_Do_ others;" and had, therefore, in very many
+acts of his political life, squared his doings according to the mutilated
+sentence. All the Cabinet had, more or less, some idea of the miracle of
+the Loaves and the Fishes. Indeed, many of them confessed that with them,
+the Loaves and the Fishes had, during their whole political career,
+contained the essence of Christianity. Sir EDWARD KNATCHBULL, Lord
+ELLENBOROUGH, and GOULBURN declared that for the last ten years they had
+hungered for nothing else.
+
+We cannot dwell upon every individual case of ignorance displayed in the
+Cabinet. We confine ourselves to the glad statement, that every minister
+from the first lord of the treasury to the grooms in waiting, vivified by
+the sacred heat of their schoolmaster Bishops, illustrate the great truth
+of Doctor CHALMERS, that the poor man can only obtain justice "by a
+_universal_ Christian education."
+
+The Bench of Bishops do not confine their labours to the instruction of
+the Cabinet. By no means. They have appointed prebends, deans, canons,
+vicars, &c., to teach the members of both houses of Parliament practical
+Christianity towards their fellow-men. Lord LONDONDERRY has sold his
+fowling-piece for the benefit of the poor--has given his shooting-jacket
+to the ragged beggar that sweeps the crossing opposite the Carlton
+Club--and resolving to forego the vanities of grouse, is now hard at work
+on "The Acts of the Apostles." Colonel SIBTHORP--after unceasing labour on
+the part of Doctor CROLY--has managed to spell at least six of the hard
+names in the first chapter of St. Matthew, and can now, with very slight
+hesitation, declare who was the father of ZEBEDEE'S children!
+
+"An universal Christian education!" Oh, reader! picture to yourself
+London--for one day only--operated upon by the purest Christianity.
+Consider the mundane interests of this tremendous metropolis directed by
+Apostolic principles! Imagine the hypocrisy of respectability--the
+conventional lie--the allowed ceremonial deceit--the tricks of trade--the
+ten thousand scoundrel subterfuges by which the lowest dealers of this
+world purchase Bank-stock and rear their own pine-apples--the common,
+innocent iniquities (innocent from their very antiquity, having been
+bequeathed from sire to son) which men perpetrate six working-days in the
+week, and after, lacker up their faces with a look of sleek humility for
+the Sunday pew--consider all this locust swarm of knaveries annihilated by
+the purifying spirit of Christianity, and then look upon London breathing
+and living, for one day only, by the sweet, sustaining truth of the
+Gospel!
+
+Had our page ten thousand times its amplitude, it would not contain the
+briefest register of the changes of that day!
+
+There is a scoundrel attorney, who for thirty years has become plethoric
+on broken hearts. The scales of leprous villany have fallen from him; and
+now, an incarnation of justice, he sits with open doors, to pour oil into
+the wounds of the smitten--to make man embrace man as his brother--to
+preach lovingkindness to all the world, and--without a fee--to chant the
+praises of peace and amity.
+
+_Crib_ the stockbroker meets _Horns_ a fellow-labourer in the same hempen
+walk of life. _Crib_ offers to buy a little Spanish of _Horns_. "My dear
+_Crib_," says _Horns_, "it is impossible; I can't sell; for I have just
+received by a private hand from Cadiz, news that must send the stock down
+to nothing. I am a Christian, my dear _Crib_," says _Horns_, "and as a
+Christian, how could I sell you a certain loss?"
+
+A mistaken, but well-meaning man, although a tailor, meets his debtor in
+Bow-street. A slight quarrel ensues; whereupon, the debtor (to show that
+the days of chivalry are _not_ gone) kicks his tailor into the gutter.
+Does the tailor take the offender before Mr. JARDINE? By no means. The
+tailor is a Christian; and learning the exact measure of his enemy, and
+returning good for evil, he, in three days' time, sends to his assailant a
+new suit of the very best super Saxony.
+
+How many quacks we see rushing to the various newspaper offices to
+countermand their advertisements! What gaps in the columns of the
+newspapers themselves! Where is the sugary lie--the adroit slander--the
+scoundrel meanness, masking itself with the usage of patriotism? All, all
+are vanished, for--the _Morning Herald_ is published upon Christian
+principles!
+
+Let us descend to the smallest matters of social life. "Will this gingham
+wash?" asks _Betty_ the housemaid of _Twill_ the linen-draper. _Twill_ is
+a Christian; and therefore replies, "it is a very poor article, and it
+will _not_ wash!"
+
+We are with Doctor Chalmers for Christianity--but not Christianity of _one
+side_. "Pray for those who despitefully use you," say the Corn Law
+Apostles to the famishing; and then, cocking their eye at one another, and
+twitching their tongues in their mouths they add--"for this is
+Christianity!"
+
+Q.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+ENCOURAGEMENT OF NATIVE TALENT.
+
+Her Majesty has, it seems, presented the conductor of the _Gazette
+Musicale_ with a gold medal and her portrait, as a reward for his constant
+efforts in the cause of music (_vide Morning Post_, Sept. 9). From this,
+it may be supposed, foreigners alone are deemed worthy of distinction; but
+our readers will be glad to learn, that Rundells have been honoured with
+an order for a silver whistle for PUNCH. His unceasing efforts in the
+causes of _humbug_, political, literary, and dramatic, having drawn forth
+this high mark of royal favour.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH'S PENCILLINGS--NO. X.
+
+[Illustration: THE DINER-OUT.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE OMEN OUTWITTED:
+
+OR, HOW HIS REVERENCE'S HEELS TOOK STEPS TO SAVE HIS HEAD.
+
+
+"So, Dick, I mean your 'reverence,' you like the blessed old country as
+well as ever, eh, lad?"
+
+"As well, ay, almost better. My return to it is like the meeting of
+long-parted friends--the joy of the moment is pure and unalloyed--all
+minor faults are forgotten--all former goodness rushes with double force
+from the recollection to the heart, and the renewal of old fellowship
+grafts new virtues (the sweet fruits of regretted absence) upon him who
+has been the chosen tenant of our 'heart of hearts.'"
+
+"His reverence's health--three times three (empty them heeltaps, Jack, and
+fill out of the fresh jug)--now, boys, give tongue. That's the raal thing;
+them cheers would wake the seven sleepers after a dose of laudanum. Bless
+you, and long life to you! That's the worst wish you'll find here."
+
+"I know that right well, uncle. I know it, feel it, and most heartily
+thank you all."
+
+"Enough said, parson. By dad, Dick, its mighty droll to be calling you,
+that was but yesterday a small curly-pated gossoon, by that clerical
+mouthful of a handle to your name. But do you find us altered much?"
+
+"There is no change but Time's--that has fallen lightly. To be sure,
+yesterday I was looking for the heads of my strapping cousins at the
+bottom button of their well-filled waistcoats, and, before Jack's arrival,
+meant to do a paternal and patriarchal 'pat' on his, at somewhere about
+that altitude; a ceremony he must excuse, as the little lad of my mind has
+thought proper to expand into a young Enniskillen of six feet three."
+
+"He's a mighty fine boy--the lady-killing vagabone!" said the father, with
+a kind look of gratified pride; and then added, as if to stop the
+infection of the vanity, "and there's no denying he's big enough to be
+better." Here a slight scrimmage at the door of the dining-room attracted
+the attention of the "masther."
+
+"What's the meaning of that noise, ye vagabones?"
+
+"Spake up, Mickey."
+
+"Is it me?" "It is." "Not at all, by no means. Let Paddy do it, or Tim
+Carroll; they're used to going out wid the car, and don't mind spaking to
+the quality." "Take yourselves out o'that, or let me know what you want,
+and be pretty quick about it, too."
+
+The result of this order was the appearance of Tim Carroll in the centre
+of the room--a dig between the shoulders, and vigorously-applied kick
+behind, hastening him into that somewhat uneasy situation, with a degree
+of expedition perfectly marvellous.
+
+"Spake out, what is it?" "Ahem!" commenced Tim; "you see, sir (_aside_),
+I'll be even wid you for that kick, you thief of the world--you see, Paddy
+(bad manners to him) and the rest o' the boys, was thinking that, owing to
+the change o' climate, Master Richard--that is, his new riverence--has
+gone through by rason of laving England and comin' here--and mighty could,
+no doubt, he was on the journey--be praised he's safe--the boy, sir, was
+thinkin', masther dear, it was nothing but their duty, and what was due to
+the family, to ax your honour's opinion about their takin' the smallest
+taste of whiskey in life, jist to be drinking his riverence's Masther
+Richard's health, and"--"Success to him!" shouted the chorus at the door.
+"That's it!" said the masther. "And nothing but it!" responded the chorus.
+"Nelly, my jewel! take the kays and give them anything in dacency!"
+"Hurrah! smiling good luck to you, for ever and afther!" "That'll do,
+boys! but stay: it's Terence Conway's wedding night--it's a good tenant
+he's been to me--take the sup down there, and you'll get a dance; now be
+off, you devils!"
+
+"Many thanks to your honour!" chorused the delighted group; and "I done
+that iligant, anyhow," muttered the gratified, successful, and, therefore,
+forgiving orator. "I'll try again. Ahem! wouldn't the young gentlemen just
+step down for a taste?" "By all manes!" was chimed at once; their hats
+were mounted in a moment, and off they set.
+
+Terence Conway's farm was soon reached; the barn affording the most
+accommodation for the numerous visitors, was fitted up for the occasion.
+It was nearly full, as Terence was a popular man--one that didn't grudge
+the "bit and sup," and never turned his back upon friend or foe. Loud and
+hearty were the cheers of the delighted tenantry, as the three sons of
+their beloved landlord passed the threshold. The appearance of the
+"stranger" was received with no such demonstrations of welcome; on the
+contrary, there was a sullen silence, soon after broken by suppressed and
+angry murmurs. These were somewhat appeased by one of the sons introducing
+his "cousin," and endeavouring to joke the peasants into good-humour, by
+laughingly assuring them his "reverence" was but a bad drinker, and would
+not deprive them of much of the poteen; then passing his arm through the
+parson's, he led the way, as it afterwards turned out, rather
+unfortunately, to the top of the barn, and there, followed by his
+brothers, they took their seats.
+
+The entrance of the Catholic priest (a most amiable man) at this moment
+attracted the entire attention of the party, during which time Tim Carroll
+elbowed his way to the place where his master was seated, and calling him
+partially aside, whispered, "Master John, dear, tell his riverence, Master
+Richard, to go."
+
+"What for?"
+
+"Sure, is not he entirely in black?"
+
+"Well, what of it?"
+
+"What of it? Houly Paul! the likes o' that! If my skin was as hard as a
+miser's heart, I wouldn't put it into a black coat, and come to a wedding
+in it; it's the devil's own bad omen, and nothing else!"
+
+"You are right! What a fool I was not to tell Dick! Cousin, a word!"
+
+Here the clamour became somewhat louder, the priest taking an active part,
+and speaking rapidly and earnestly in their native tongue to the evidently
+excited peasantry. He suddenly broke from them, and hastening to the
+Protestant clergyman, grasped his hand, and, shaking it heartily, wished
+him "health, long life, and happiness:" and lifting a tumbler of punch to
+his lips, drank off nearly half its contents, exclaiming the customary,
+"God save all here!" He then presented the liquor to the stranger, saying
+in a low earnest voice, "Drink that toast, sir!"
+
+This order was instantly complied with. The clear tones of the young man's
+unfaltering voice and the hearty cordiality of his utterance had a
+singular effect upon the more turbulent; the priest passed rapidly from
+the one to the other, and endeavoured to say something pleasant to all,
+but, despite his attempts at calmness, he was evidently ill at ease.
+
+Tim Carroll again sidled up to his young master.
+
+"The boys mane harrum, sir," said Tim; "but never mind, there's five of us
+here. We've not been idle, we've all been taking pick o' the sticks, and
+divil a stroke falls upon one of the ould ancient family widout showing a
+bruck head or a flat back for it."
+
+"What am I to understand by this?" inquired the young stranger.
+
+"That you're like Tom Fergusson when he rode the losing horse--you've
+mounted the wrong colour; and, be dad, you are pretty well marked down for
+it, sir; but never mind, there's Tim Carroll looking as black as the
+inside of a sut-bag. Let him come on! he peeled the skin off them shins o'
+mine at futball; maybe, I won't trim his head with black thorn for that
+same, if he's any ways obstropolis this blessed night."
+
+"Silence, sir! neither my inclination nor sacred calling will allow me to
+countenance a broil! I have been the first offender--to attempt to leave
+the room now would but provoke an attack; leave this affair to me, and
+don't interfere."
+
+"By the powers! if man or mortal lifts his hand to injure you, I'll smash
+the soul out of him! Do you think, omen or no omen, I'll stand by and see
+you harmed?--not a bit of it! If you are a parson and a child of peace, I
+have the honour to be a soldier, and claim my right to battle in your
+cause."
+
+Maugre the pacific tone of the unfortunately-accoutered ecclesiastic,
+there was something of defiance in his flashing eye and crimson cheek, as
+he turned his brightening glance upon what might almost be called the host
+of his foes; and the nervous pressure which returned the grasp of his
+cousin's sinewy hand, spoke something more of readiness for battle than
+could have been gathered from his expressed wishes.
+
+"If, Jack, it comes to that, why, as human nature is weak--excuse what I
+may feel compelled to do; but for the present pray oblige me by keeping
+your seat and the peace; or, if you must move and fidget about, go and
+make that pugnacious Tim Carroll as decent as you can."
+
+"I'll be advised by you, Dick; but look out!" So saying, the stalwart
+young officer bustled his way to the uproarious Tim.
+
+It was well he did so, or bloodshed must have ensued, as at that moment a
+tall and powerful man, brother-in-law to the bride, lifted his stick, and
+after giving it the customary twirl aimed a point-blank blow at the head
+of the ill-omened parson. The bound of an antelope brought the girl to the
+spot; her small hand averted the direction of the deadly weapon, and
+before the action had been perceived by any present, or the attempt could
+be resumed, she dropped a curtesy to the assailant, and in a loud voice,
+with an affected laugh, exclaimed--
+
+"You, if you plaise, sir;" and, turning quickly to the fiddler, continued:
+"Any tune you like, Mr. Murphy, sir; but, good luck to you, be quick, or
+we won't have a dance to-night!"
+
+"Clear the floor!--a dance! a dance!" shouted every one.
+
+In a few seconds the angry scowl had passed from the flushed cheeks of Dan
+Sheeny, and there he was, toe and heeling, double shuffling, and cutting
+it over the buckle, to the admiration of all beholders. The bride was
+seated near the stranger--he perceived this, and suddenly quitting his
+place, danced up to her, and nodding, as he stopped for a moment, invited
+her to join him. She was ever light of foot, and, as she said afterwards,
+"would have danced her life out but she'd give the poor young gentleman a
+chance." Long and vigorously did Dan Sheeny advance, retire, curvette, and
+caper. The whiskey and exertion at length overcame him, and he left the
+lady sole mistress of the floor. By this time murmurs had again arisen,
+and all eyes were turned upon the intruder, who had been intently engaged
+observing the dancers. It was an accomplishment for which he had been
+celebrated previous to his taking orders, and the old feeling so strongly
+interested him, that he was absorbed in the pleasure of witnessing the
+activity and joyousness of the performers. He turned his head for an
+instant--a heavy hand was laid upon his shoulder. On his starting up, he
+saw nothing but the smiling Norah pressing the arm of a tall peasant, and
+curtseying him a challenge to join her "on the floor." He paused for a
+moment, then gaily taking her hand, advanced with her to the centre. All
+eyes were bent upon them, but there was no restraint in the young parson's
+manner. The most popular jig-tune was called for--to it they went; his
+early-taught and well-practised feet beat living echoes to the most rapid
+bars. A foot of ground seemed ample space for all the intricate
+compilation of the _raal_ Conamera "capers." The tune was changed again
+and again; again and again was his infinity of steps adapted to its
+varying sounds: to use a popular phrase, you might have heard a pin drop.
+Every mouth was closed, every eye fixed upon his rapid feet; and, when at
+length wearied with exertion, the almost fainting girl was falling to the
+earth, her gallant partner caught her in his arms, and, like an infant,
+bore her to the open air, one loud and general cheer burst from their
+unclosed lips; a few moments restored the pretty lass to perfect health.
+Her first words were, "Leave me, sir, and save yourself." It was too late;
+borne on the shoulders of the admiring mob, who, despite his suit of
+sables (now rendered innoxious by the varying colour of the crimson
+kerchief the young bride bound round his neck), he was soon seated in the
+chair of honour, and there, surrounded by his friends, finished the night
+the "lion of the dance." And thus it was that his "Reverence's heels took
+steps to preserve his head."--FUSBOS
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+TRANSACTIONS AND YEARLY REPORT. OF THE HOOKHAM-CUM-SNIVEY LITERARY,
+SCIENTIFIC, AND MECHANICS' INSTITUTION.
+
+(_Continued from our last._)
+
+An important and advantageous arrangement in the transactions of the
+society, since its foundation, has been the institution of the classes
+"for the acquisition of a general smattering of everything," more
+especially as concerning the younger branches of society. It is, however,
+much to be regretted, that the public examination of the juvenile members,
+upon the subjects they had listened to during the past course, did not
+turn out so well as the committee could have wished. The various
+professors had taken incredible pains to teach the infant philosophers
+correct answers to the separate questions that would be asked them, in
+order that they might reply with becoming readiness. Unfortunately the
+examiner began at the wrong end of the class, and threw them all out,
+except the middle one. We sub-join a few of the questions:--
+
+State the distance, in miles, from the Hanwell Lunatic Asylum to the
+Tuesday in Easter week, and show how long a man would be going from one to
+the other, if he travelled at the rate of four gallons a minute.
+
+Required to know the advantages of giving tracts to poor people who cannot
+read, and how many are equivalent to a sliding-scale penny buster, in the
+way of nourishment.
+
+"Was Lord John Russell in his Windsor uniform, ever mistaken for a
+two-penny postman; if so, what great man imagined the affinity?
+
+[Illustration: Best Pigtail]
+
+The School of Design and Drawing has made very creditable progress, and
+the subscribers will be gratified in learning, that one of the pupils sent
+in a design for the Nelson Testamonial, which would in all probability
+have been accepted, had not the decision been made in the usual
+preconcerted underhand manner. Following the columnar idea of Mr. Railton,
+our talented pupil had put forth a peculiarly appropriate idea: the shaft
+would have been formed by a sea-telescope of gigantic proportions, pulled
+out to its utmost extent. On the summit of this Nelson would have been
+seated, as on the maintop, smoking his pipe, from which real smoke would
+have issued. This would have been produced by a stove at the bottom of the
+column, whose object was to furnish a steady supply of baked potatoes,
+uninfluenced by the fluctuations of the market, to the cabmen of
+Trafalgar-square, and the street-sweepers at Charing-cross. The artist who
+designed the elegant structure at King's-cross, which partakes so
+comprehensively of the attributes of a pump, a watch-house, a lamp-post,
+and a turnpike, would have superintended its erection, and a carved
+figure-head might have been purchased, for a mere song, to crown the
+elevation. It would not have much mattered whether the image was intended
+for Nelson or not, because, from its extreme elevation, no one, without a
+spy-glass, could have told one character from another--Thiers from Lord
+John Russell, George Steevens from Shakspere, Muntz from the Duke of
+Brunswick, or anybody else.
+
+THE MUSEUM.
+
+The museum of the institution has been gradually increasing in valuable
+additions, and donations are respectfully requested from families having
+any dust-collecting articles about their houses which they are anxious to
+get rid of.
+
+The first curiosities presented were, of course, those which have formed
+the nucleus of every museum that was ever established, and consisted of
+"South Sea Islander's paddles and spears, North American mocassins and
+tomahawks, and Sandwich (not in Kent, but in the Pacific Ocean) canoes and
+fishing-tackle. In addition, we have received the following, which the
+society beg to acknowledge:--
+
+The jaw-bone of an animal, supposed to be a cow, found two feet below the
+surface, in digging for the Great Western Railway, near Slough.
+
+Farthing, penny, and sixpence, of the reign of George the Fourth.
+
+Piece of wood from the red-funnel steam-boat sunk off the Isle of Dogs, in
+August, 1841, which had been under water nearly six days.
+
+A variety of articles manufactured from the above, sufficient to build a
+boat twelve times the size, may be purchased of the librarian.
+
+A floor-tile, in excellent preservation, from the old Hookham-cum-Snivey
+workhouse kitchen, before the new union was built.
+
+Specimens of pebbles collected from the gravel-pits at Highgate, and a
+valuable series of oyster-shells, discovered the day after
+Bartholomew-fair, near the corner of Cock-lane.
+
+A small lizard, caught in the Regent's-park, preserved in gin-and-water,
+in a soda-water bottle, and denominated by the librarian "a heffut."
+
+LIBRARY.
+
+Advertisement half of a _Times_ newspaper for March, 1838.
+
+Playbill of the English Opera during Balfe's management, supposed to be
+that of the memorable night when 16l. 4s. was taken, in hard cash, at
+the doors.
+
+View of the Execution of the late Mr. Greenacre in front of Newgate,
+published by Catnach, from a drawing by an unknown artist.  (_Very rare!_)
+
+MS. pantomime, refused at the Haymarket, entitled "Harlequin and the
+Hungarian Daughter; or, All My Eye and Betty Martinuzzi," with the whole
+of the songs, choruses, and incidental combats and situations. Presented
+by the author, in company with a receipt for red and green fire.
+
+Bound copy of Sermons preached at Hookham-cum-Snivey Church, by the
+Reverend Peter Twaddle, on the occasions, of building a dusthole for the
+national schools; of outfitting the missionaries who are exported annually
+to be eaten by the Catawampous Indians; on the death of Mr. Grubly, the
+retired cheesemonger, who endowed the weathercock; and in aid of the funds
+of the "newly-born-baby-clothes-bag-and-basket-institution:" printed at
+the desire of his, "he fears, in this instance, too partial" parishioners,
+and presented by himself.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+OUR FOREIGN RELATIONS.
+
+The treaty of the four powers, to which Chelsea, Battersea, Brompton, and
+Wandsworth are parties, and from which Pimlico has hitherto obstinately
+stood aloof, has at length been ratified by the re-entry of that impetuous
+suburb into the general views of Middlesex. We have now a right to call
+upon Pimlico to disarm, and to cut off its extra watchman with a
+promptitude that shall show the sincerity with which it has joined the
+neighbouring powers in the celebrated treaty of Kensington. It is already
+known that, by this document, Moses Hayley is recognised as hereditary
+beadle, and Abraham Parker is placed in undisturbed possession of the post
+of waterman on the coach-stand in the outskirts. We are not among those
+who expect to find a spirit of propagandism prevailing in the policy of
+the powers of Pimlico. The lamplighter who lights the district is a man of
+sound discernment, and there is everything to hope from the moderation he
+has always exhibited.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SIBTHORP ON THE CORN LAW.
+
+Sibthorp came out in full fig at Sir Robert Peel's dinner. While he was
+having his hair curled, and the irons were heating, he asked the two-penny
+operator what was his opinion of the corn-law question. The barber's
+answer suggested the following con.:--
+
+"Why am I like a man eating a particular sort of fancy bread?"--"Because,"
+answered the tonsor, "you are having
+
+[Illustration: A TWOPENNY TWIST"]
+
+This reply made the Colonel's hair stand on end, taking it quite out of
+curl.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+FISH SAUCE.
+
+The boy Jones, in one of his visits to the Palace, to avoid detection,
+secreted himself up the kitchen chimney. The intense heat necessary for
+the preparation of a large dish of white-bait for her Majesty's dinner
+compelled him to relax his hold, and in an instant he was precipitated
+among the Blackwall delicacies. The indignant cook immediately demanded
+"his business there." "Don't you see," observed the younker, "I'm
+
+[Illustration: ONE OF THE FRY?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH'S INFORMATION FOR THE PEOPLE.
+
+NO. 4.
+
+NATURAL HISTORY.
+
+_Definition._--The history of "naturals"--which chiefly include the human
+species--and of "simples" (herbs), occupies the branch of science we are
+about to enlighten our readers upon. It treats, in fact, of animated
+nature; while physical history--instead of being the history of
+Apothecaries' Hall, as many suppose--deals exclusively with inanimate
+matter.
+
+_Of genus, species, and orders._--If, in the vegetable world, we commence
+with the buttercup, and trace all the various kinds and sizes of plants
+that exist, up to the pine (Norwegian), and down again to the hautboy
+(Cormack's Princesses); if, among the lower animals, we begin with a gnat
+and go up to an elephant, or select from the human species a Lord John
+Russell, and place him beside a professor Whewell, we shall see that
+nature provides an endless variety of all sorts of everything. Now, to
+render a knowledge of everything in natural history as difficult of
+acquirement as possible to everybody, the scientific world divides nature
+into the above-mentioned classes, to which Latin names are given. For
+instance, it would be vulgarly ridiculous to call a "cat" by its right
+name; and when one says "cat," a dogmatic naturalist is justified in
+thinking one means a lion or tiger, both these belonging to the _cat_egory
+of "cats;" hence, a "cat" is denominated, for shortness, _felis
+Ĉgyptiacus;_ an ass is turned into a horse, by being an _equus_; a woman
+into a man, for with him she is equally _homo_.
+
+Of this last species it is our purpose exclusively to treat. The variety
+of it we commence with is,
+
+THE BARBER (_homo emollientissimus_.--TRUEFIT).
+
+_Physical structure and peculiarities_.--The most singular peculiarity of
+the barber is, that although, in his avocations, he always is what is
+termed a "strapper," yet his stature is usually short. His tongue,
+however, makes up for this deficiency, being remarkably long,--a beautiful
+provision of nature; for while he is seldom called upon to use his legs
+with rapidity, his lingual organ is always obliged to be on the "run." His
+eyes are keen, and his wits sharp; his mouth is tinged with humour, and
+his hair--particularly when threatening to be gray--with _poudre unique_.
+Manner, prepossessing; crop, close; fingers, dirty; toes, turned out. He
+seldom indulges in whiskers, for his business is to shave.
+
+1. _Habits, reproduction, and food._--A singular uniformity of _habits_ is
+observable amongst barbers. They all live in shops curiously adorned with
+play-bills and pomatum-pots, and use the same formulary of conversation to
+every new customer. All are politicians on both sides of every subject;
+and if there happen to be three sides to a question, they take a
+triangular view of it.
+
+2. _Reproduction._--Some men are born barbers, others have barberism
+thrust upon them. The first class are brought forth in but small numbers,
+for shavers seldom pair. The second take to the razor from disappointment
+in trade or in love. This is evident, from the habits of the animal when
+alone, at which period, if observed, a deep, mysterious, melo-dramatic
+gloom will be seen to overspread his countenance. He is essentially a
+social being; company is as necessary to his existence as beards.
+
+3. _Food._--Upon this subject the most minute researches of the most
+prying naturalists have not been able to procure a crumb of information.
+That the barber does eat can only be inferred; it cannot be proved, for no
+person was ever known to catch him in the act; if he does masticate, he
+munches in silence and in secret[1].
+
+    [1] Not so of drinking. Only last week we saw, with our own eyes, a
+        pot of ale in a barber's shop; and very good ale it was, too,
+        for we tasted it.
+
+_Geographical distribution of barbers._--Although the majority of
+barbers live near the _pole_, they are pretty diffusely disseminated
+over the entire face of the globe. The advance of civilization has,
+however, much lessened their numbers; for we find, wherever valets are
+kept, barbers are not; and as the magnet turns towards the north, they
+are attracted to the east. In St. James's, the shaver's "occupation's
+gone;" but throughout the whole of Wapping, the distance is very short
+
+[Illustration: "FROM POLE TO POLE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A LECTURE ON MORALITY.--BY PUNCH.
+
+Moral philosophers are the greatest fools in the world. I am a moral
+philosopher; I am no fool though. Who contradicts me? If any, speak, and
+come within reach of my cudgel. I am a moral philosopher of a new school.
+The schoolmaster is abroad, and I am the schoolmaster; but if anybody says
+that _I_ am abroad, I will knock him down. I am _at home_. And now, good
+people, attend to me, and you will hear something worth learning.
+
+The reason why I call all moral philosophers fools is, because they have
+not gone properly to work. Each has given his own peculiar notions,
+merely, to the world. Now, different people have different opinions: some
+like apples, and others prefer another sort of fruit, with which, no
+doubt, many of you are familiar. "Who shall decide when doctors disagree?"
+
+My system of morality is the result of induction. I am very fond of
+Bacon--I mean, the Bacon recommended to you by the "Society for the
+Diffusion of Useful Knowledge"--_Lord_ Bacon. I therefore study the
+actions of mankind, and draw my inferences accordingly. The people whose
+conduct I attend to are those who get on best in the world; for the object
+of all morality is to make ourselves happy, and as long as we are so,
+what, my good friends, does it signify?
+
+The first thing that you must do in the study of morals is, to get rid of
+all prejudices. Bacon and I quite agree upon this point. By prejudices I
+mean your previous notions concerning right and wrong.
+
+Dr. Johnson calls morality "the doctrine of the duties of life." In this
+definition I agree. The doctor was a clever man. I very much admire the
+knock-down arguments that he was so fond of; it is the way in which I
+usually reason myself. Now the duties of life are two-fold--our duty to
+others and our duty to ourselves. Our duty to ourselves is to make
+ourselves as comfortable as possible; our duty to others, is to make them
+assist us to the best of their ability in so doing. This is the plan on
+which all respectable persons act, and it is one which I have always
+followed myself. What are the consequences? See how popular I am; and,
+what is more, observe how fat I have got! Here is a corporation for you!
+Here is a leg! What think you of such a cap as this? and of this
+embroidered coat? Who says that I am not a fine fellow, and that my system
+is not almost as fine? Let him argue the point with me, if he dare!
+
+Happiness consists in pursuing our inclinations without disturbance, and
+without getting into trouble. Make it, then, your first rule of conduct
+always to do exactly as you please; that is, if you can. I am not like
+other moralists, who talk in one way and act in another. What I advise you
+to do, is nothing more than what I practise myself, as you have very often
+observed, I dare say.
+
+Be careful to show, invariably, a proper respect for the laws; that is to
+say, when you do anything illegal, take all the precautions that you can
+against being found out. Here, perhaps, my example is somewhat at variance
+with my doctrine; but I am stronger, you know, than the executive, and
+therefore, instead of my respecting it, it ought to respect me.
+
+Be sure to keep a quiet conscience. In order that you may secure this
+greatest of blessings, never allow yourselves to regret any part of your
+past behaviour; and whenever you feel tempted to do so, take the readiest
+means that you can think of to banish reflection, or, as Lord Byron very
+properly terms it--
+
+  "The blight of life, the demon Thought!"
+
+You have observed that, after having knocked anybody on the head, I
+generally begin to dance and sing. This I do, not because I am troubled
+with any such weakness as remorse, but in order to instruct you. I do not
+mean to say that you are to conduct yourselves precisely in the same
+manner under similar circumstances; a pipe, or a pot, or a pinch of
+snuff--in short, any means of diversion--will answer your purpose equally
+well.
+
+Adhere strictly to truth--whenever there is no occasion for lying. Be
+particularly careful to conceal no one circumstance likely to redound to
+your credit. But when two principles clash, the weaker, my good people,
+must, as the saying is, go to the wall. If, therefore, it be to your
+interest to lie, do so, and do it boldly. No one would wear false hair who
+had hair of his own; but he who has none, must, of course, wear a wig. I
+do not see any difference between false hair and false assertions; and I
+think a lie a very useful invention. It is like a coat or a pair of
+breeches, it serves to clothe the naked. But do not throw your
+falsifications away: I like a proper economy. Some silly persons would
+have you invariably speak the truth. My friends, if you were to act in
+this way, in what department of commerce could you succeed? How could you
+get on in the law? what vagabond would ever employ you to defend his
+cause? What practice do you think you would be likely to procure as a
+physician, if you were to tell every old woman who fancied herself ill,
+that there was nothing the matter with her, or to prescribe abstinence to
+an alderman, as a cure for indigestion? What would be your prospect in the
+church, where, not to mention a few other little trifles, you would have,
+when you came to be made a bishop, to say that you did not wish to be any
+such thing? No, my friends, truth is all very well when the telling of it
+is convenient; but when it is not, give me a bouncing lie. But that one
+lie, object the advocates of uniform veracity, will require twenty more to
+make it good: very well, then, tell them. Ever have a due regard to the
+sanctity of oaths; this you will evince by never using them to support a
+fiction, except on high and solemn occasions, such as when you are about
+to be invested with some public dignity. But avoid any approach to a
+superstitious veneration for them: it is to keep those thin-skinned and
+impracticable individuals who are infected by this failing from the
+management of public affairs, that they have been, in great measure,
+devised.
+
+Never break a promise, unless bound to do so by a previous one; and
+promise yourselves from this time forth never to do anything that will put
+you to inconvenience.
+
+Never take what does not belong to you. For, as a young pupil who formerly
+attended these lectures pathetically expressed himself, he furnishing, at
+the time, in his own person, an illustration of the maxim--
+
+  "Him as prigs wot isn't his'n,
+  Ven 'a's cotch must go to pris'n!"
+
+But what is it that does _not_ belong to you? I answer, whatever you
+cannot take with impunity. Never fail, however, to appropriate that which
+the law does not protect. This is a duty which you owe to yourselves. And
+in order that you may thoroughly carry out this principle, procure, if you
+can, a legal education; because there are a great many flaws in titles,
+agreements, and the like, the knowledge of which will often enable you to
+lay hands upon various kinds of property to which at first sight you might
+appear to have no claim. Should you ever be so circumstanced as to be
+beyond the control of the law, you will, of course, be able to take
+whatever you want; because there will be nothing then that will _not_
+belong to you. This, my friends, is a grand moral principle; and, as
+illustrative of it, we have an example (as schoolboys say in their themes)
+in Alexander the Great; and besides, in all other conquerors that have
+ever lived, from Nimrod down to Napoleon inclusive.
+
+Speak evil of no one behind his back, unless you are likely to get
+anything by so doing. On the contrary, have a good word to say, if you
+can, of everybody, provided that the person who is praised by you is
+likely to be informed of the circumstance. And, the more to display the
+generosity of your disposition, never hesitate, on convenient occasions,
+to bestow the highest eulogies on those who do not deserve them.
+
+Be abstemious--in eating and drinking at your own expense; but when you
+feed at another person's, consume as much as you can possibly digest.
+
+Let your behaviour be always distinguished by modesty. Never boast or
+brag, when you are likely to be disbelieved; and do not contradict your
+superiors--that is to say, when you are in the presence of people who are
+richer than yourselves, never express an opinion of your own.
+
+Live peaceably with all mankind, if you can; but, as you cannot, endeavor,
+as the next best thing, to settle all disputes as speedily as possible, by
+coming, without loss of time, to blows; provided always that the debate
+promises to be terminated, by reason of your superior strength, in your
+own favour, and that you are not likely to be taken up for knocking
+another person down. It is very true that I, individually, _never_ shun
+this kind of discussion, whatever may be the strength and pretensions of
+my opponent; but then, I enjoy a consciousness of superiority over the
+whole world, which you, perhaps, may not feel, and which might, in some
+cases, mislead you. I think, however, that a supreme contempt for all but
+yourselves is a very proper sentiment to entertain; and, from what I
+observe of the conduct of certain teachers, I imagine that this is what is
+meant by the word humility. You must, nevertheless, be careful how you
+display it; do so only when you see a probability of overawing and
+frightening those around you, so as to make them contributors to the great
+aim of your existence--self-gratification.
+
+Be firm, but not obstinate. Never change your mind when the result of the
+alteration would be detrimental to your comfort and interest; but do not
+maintain an inconvenient inflexibility of purpose. Do not, for instance,
+in affairs of the heart, simply because you have declared, perhaps with an
+oath or two, that you will be constant till death, think it necessary to
+make any effort to remain so. The case stands thus: you enter into an
+agreement with a being whose aggregate of perfections is expressible, we
+will say, by 20. Now, if they would always keep at that point, there might
+be some reason for your remaining unaltered, namely, your not being able
+to help it. But suppose that they dwindle down to 19-1/2, the person, that
+is, the whole sum of the qualities admired, no longer exists, and you, of
+course, are absolved from your engagement. But mind, I do not say that you
+are justified in changing _only_ in case of a change on the opposite side:
+you may very possibly become simply tired. In this case, your prior
+promise to yourself will absolve you from the performance of the one in
+question.
+
+And now, my good friends, before we part, let me beg of you not to allow
+yourselves to be diverted from the right path by a parcel of cant. You
+will hear my system stigmatised as selfish; and I advise you, whenever you
+have occasion to speak of it in general society, to call it so too. You
+will thus obtain a character for generosity; a very desirable thing to
+have, if you can get it cheap. Selfish, indeed! is not self the axis of
+the earth out of which you were taken? The fact is, good people, that just
+as notions the very opposite of truth have prevailed in matters of
+science, so have they, likewise, in those of morals. A set of
+impracticable doctrines, under the name of virtue, have been preached up
+by your teachers; and it is only fortunate that they have been practised
+by so few; those few having been, almost to a man, poisoned, strangled,
+burnt, or worse treated, for their pains.
+
+But here comes the police, to interfere, as usual, with the dissemination
+of useful truths. Farewell, my good people; and whenever you are disposed
+for additional instruction, I can only say that I shall be very happy to
+afford it to you for a reasonable consideration.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A BOWER OF BLISS IN STANGATE.
+
+    Oh, fly to the Bower--fly with me.--OLD OR NEW SONG (_I forget which_).
+
+If you take a walk over Waterloo-bridge, and, after going straight on for
+some distance, turn to the right, you will find yourself in the New-Cut,
+where you may purchase everything, from a secretaire-bookcase to a
+saveloy, on the most moderate terms possible. The tradesmen of the New-Cut
+are a peculiar class, and the butchers, in particular, seem to be brimming
+over with the milk of human kindness, for every female customer is
+addressed as "My love," while every male passer-by is saluted with the
+friendly greeting of "Now, old chap, what can I do for you?" The
+greengrocers in this "happy land" earnestly invite the ladies to "pull
+away" at the mountains of cabbages which their sheds display, while little
+boys on the pavement offer what they playfully designate "a plummy
+ha'p'orth," of onions to the casual passenger.
+
+At the end of the New-Cut stands the Marsh-gate, which, at night, is all
+gas and ghastliness, dirt and dazzle, blackguardism and brilliancy. The
+illumination of the adjacent gin-palace throws a glare on the haggard
+faces of those who are sauntering outside. Having arrived thus far, watch
+your opportunity, by dodging the cabs and threading the maze of omnibuses,
+to effect a crossing, when you will find Stangate-street, _running out_,
+as some people say, of the Westminster-road; though of the fact that a
+street ever ran out of a road, we take leave to be sceptical.
+
+Well, go on down this Stangate-street, and when you get to the bottom, you
+will find, on the left-hand, THE BOWER! And a pretty bower it is, not of
+leaves and flowers, but of bricks and mortar. It is not
+
+  "A bower of roses by Bendermere's stream,
+    With the nightingale singing there all the day long;
+  In the days of my childhood 'twas like a sweet dream,
+    To sit 'mid the roses and hear the birds' song.
+  That bower, and its music, I never forget:
+    But oft, when alone, at the close of the year,
+  I think is the nightingale singing there yet,
+    Are the roses still fresh by the calm Bendermere?"
+
+No, there is none of this sentimental twaddle about the Bower to which we
+are alluding. There are no roses, and no nightingale; but there are lots
+of smoking, and plenty of vocalists. We will paraphrase Moore, since we
+can hardly do less, and we may say, with truth,
+
+  "There's a Bower in Stangate's respectable street,
+    There's a company acting there all the night long;
+  In the days of my childhood, egad--what a treat!
+    To listen attentive to some thundering song.
+  That Bower and its concert I never forget;
+    But oft when of halfpence my pockets are clear,
+  I think, are the audience sitting there yet,
+    Still smoking their pipes, and imbibing their beer?"
+
+Upon entering the door, you are called on to pay your money, which is
+threepence for the saloon and sixpence for the boxes. The saloon is a
+large space fitted up something like a chapel, or rather a court of
+justice; there being in front of each seat a species of desk or ledge,
+which, in the places last named would hold prayer-books or papers, but at
+the Bower are designed for tumblers and pewter-pots. The audience, like
+the spirits they imbibe, are very much mixed; the greater portion
+consisting of respectable mechanics, while here and there may be seen an
+individual, who, from his seedy coat, well-brushed four-and-nine hat,
+highly polished but palpably patched highlows, outrageously shaved face
+and absence of shirt collar, is decidedly an amateur, who now and then
+plays a part, and as he is never mistaken for an actor on the stage, tries
+when off to look as much like one as possible.
+
+The boxes are nothing but a gallery, and are generally visited by a
+certain class of ladies who resemble angels, at least, in one particular,
+for they are "few and far between."
+
+But what are the entertainments? A miscellaneous concert, in which the
+first tenor, habited in a _surtout_, with the tails pinned back, to look
+like a dress-coat, apostrophises his "pretty Jane," and begs particularly
+to know her reason for looking so _sheyi_--_vulgo_, shy. Then there is
+the bass, who disdains any attempt at a body-coat, but honestly comes
+forward in a decided bearskin, and, while going down to G, protests
+emphatically that "He's on the C (sea)." Then there is the _prima donna_,
+in a pink gauze petticoat, over a yellow calico slip, with lots of jewels
+(sham), an immense colour in the very middle of the cheek, but terribly
+chalked just about the mouth, and shouting the "Soldier tired," with a
+most insinuating simper at the corporal of the Foot-guards in front, who
+returns the compliment by a most outrageous leer between each whiff of his
+tobacco-pipe.
+
+Then comes an _Overture by the band_, which is a little commonwealth, in
+which none aspires to lead, none condescends to follow. At it they go
+indiscriminately, and those who get first to the end of the composition,
+strike in at the point where the others happen to have arrived; so that,
+if they proceed at sixes and sevens, they generally contrive to end in
+unison.
+
+Occasionally we are treated with Musard's _Echo quadrilles_, when the
+solos are all done by the octave flute, so are all the echoes, and so is
+everything but the _cada_.
+
+But the grand performance of the night is the dramatic piece, which is
+generally a three-act opera, embracing the whole debility of the company.
+There is the villain, who always looks so wretched as to impress on the
+mind that, if honesty is not the best policy, rascality is certainly the
+worst. Then there is the lover, whose woe-begone countenance and unhappy
+gait, render it really surprising that the heroine, in dirty white
+sarsnet, should have displayed so much constancy. The low comedy is
+generally done by a gentleman who, while fully impressed with the
+importance of the "low," seems wholly to overlook the "comedy;" and there
+is now and then a banished nobleman, who appears to have entirely
+forgotten everything in the shape of nobility during his banishment. There
+is not unfrequently a display of one of the proprietor's children in a
+part requiring "infant innocence;" and as our ideas of that angelic state
+are associated principally with pudding heads and dirty faces, the
+performance is generally got through with a nastiness approaching to
+nicety. But it is time to make our escape from the _Bower_, and we
+therefore leave them to get through the "Chough and Crow"--which is often
+the wind-up, because it admits of a good deal of growling--in our
+absence. We cannot be tempted to remain even to witness the pleasing
+performances of the "Sons of Syria," nor the "Aunts of Abyssinia." We will
+not wait to see Mr. Macdonald sing "Hot codlings" on his head, though the
+bills inform us he has been honoured by a command to go through that
+interesting process from "_nearly all the crowned heads in Europe_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+1, September 18, 1841, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1,
+September 18, 1841, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, September 18, 1841
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14928]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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+Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
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+</pre>
+
+<h1>PUNCH,<br />
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+<h2>VOL. 1.</h2>
+<hr class="full" />
+<h2>SEPTEMBER 18, 1841.</h2>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page109" name="page109"></a>[pg
+109]</span>
+<h2>THE HEIR OF APPLEBITE.</h2>
+<h3>CHAPTER IV.</h3>
+<h4>HAS A GREAT DEAL TO SAY ABOUT SOME ONE ELSE BESIDES OUR
+HERO.</h4>
+<div class="dropcap"><a href="images/010-01.png"><img src=
+"images/010-01.png" alt="DESCRIPTION" id="img010-01" name=
+"img010-01" width="100%" /></a></div>
+<p><span class="hide">K</span>indness was a characteristic of
+Agamemnon&rsquo;s disposition, and it is not therefore a matter of
+surprise that &ldquo;the month&rdquo;&mdash;<em>the</em> month,
+<em>par excellence</em>, of &ldquo;all the months i&rsquo;the
+kalendar&rdquo;&mdash;produced a succession of those annoyances
+which, in the best regulated families, are certain to be partially
+experienced by the masculine progenitor. O, bachelors! be warned in
+time; let not love link you to his flowery traces and draw you into
+the temple of Hymen! Be not deluded by the glowing fallacies of
+Anacreon and Boccaccio, but remember that they were bachelors.
+There is nothing exhilarating in caudle, nor enchanting in
+Kensington-gardens, when you are converted into a light porter of
+children. We have been married, and are now seventy-one, and wear a
+&ldquo;brown George;&rdquo; consequently, we have experience and
+cool blood in our veins&mdash;two excellent auxiliaries in the
+formation of a correct judgment in all matters connected with the
+heart.</p>
+<p>Our pen must have been the pinion of a wild goose, or why these
+continued digressions?</p>
+<p>Agamemnon&rsquo;s troubles commenced with the first cough of
+Mrs. Pilcher on the door-mat. Mrs. P. was the monthly nurse, and
+monthly nurses always have a short cough. Whether this phenomenon
+arises from the obesity consequent upon arm-chairs and good living,
+or from an habitual intimation that they are present, and have not
+received half-a-crown, or a systematic declaration that the throat
+is dry, and would not object to a gargle of gin, and perhaps a
+little water, or&mdash;but there is no use hunting conjecture, when
+you are all but certain of not catching it.</p>
+<p>Mrs. Pilcher was &ldquo;the moral of a nurse;&rdquo; she was
+about forty-eight and had, according to her own account,
+&ldquo;been the mother of eighteen lovely babes, born in
+wedlock,&rdquo; though her most intimate friends had never been
+introduced to more than one young gentleman, with a nose like a
+wart, and hair like a scrubbing-brush. When he made his
+<em>debut</em>, he was attired in a suit of blue drugget, with the
+pewter order of the parish of St. Clement on his bosom; and rumour
+declared that he owed his origin to half-a-crown a week, paid every
+Saturday. Mrs. Pilcher weighed about thirteen stone, including her
+bundle, and a pint medicine-bottle, which latter article she
+invariably carried in her dexter pocket, filled with a strong
+tincture of juniper berries, and extract of cloves. This mixture
+had been prescribed to her for what she called a
+&ldquo;sinkingness,&rdquo; which afflicted her about 10 A.M., 11
+A.M. (dinner), 2 P.M., 3 P.M. 4 P.M. 5 P.M. (tea), 7 P.M., 8 P.M.
+(supper), 10 P.M., and at uncertain intervals during the night.</p>
+<p>Mrs. Pilcher was a martyr to a delicate appetite, for she could
+never &ldquo;make nothing of a breakfast if she warn&rsquo;t coaxed
+with a Yarmouth bloater, a rasher of ham, or a little bit of steak
+done with the gravy in.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Her luncheon was obliged to be a mutton-chop, or a grilled bone,
+and a pint of porter, bread and cheese having the effect of
+rendering her &ldquo;as cross as two sticks, and as sour as
+werjuice.&rdquo; Her dinner, and its satellites, tea and supper,
+were all required to be hot, strong, and comfortable. A peculiar
+hallucination under which she laboured is worthy of remark. When
+eating, it was always her declared conviction that she <em>never
+drank anything</em>, and when detected coquetting with a pint pot
+or a tumbler, she was equally assured that she never <em>did eat
+anything after her breakfast</em>.</p>
+<p>Mrs. Pilcher&rsquo;s duties never permitted her to take anything
+resembling continuous rest; she had therefore another prescription
+for an hour&rsquo;s doze after dinner. Mrs. Pilcher was also
+troubled with a stiffness of the knee-joints, which never allowed
+her to wait upon herself.</p>
+<p>When this amiable creature had deposited herself in
+Collumpsion&rsquo;s old easy-chair, and, with her bundle on her
+knees, gasped out her first inquiry&mdash;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I hopes all&rsquo;s as well as can be
+expected?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>The heart of <em>Pater</em> Collumpsion trembled in his bosom,
+for he felt that to this incongruous mass was to be confided the
+first blossom of his wedded love; and that for one month the
+dynasty of 24, Pleasant-terrace was transferred from his hands to
+that of Mrs. Waddledot, his wife&rsquo;s mother, and Mrs. Pilcher,
+the monthly nurse. There was a short struggle for supremacy between
+the two latter personages; but an angry appeal having been made to
+Mrs. Applebite, by the lady, &ldquo;who had <em>nussed</em> the
+first families in this land, and, in course, know&rsquo;d her
+business,&rdquo; Mrs. Waddledot was forced to yield to Mrs.
+Pilcher&rsquo;s bundle in <em>transitu</em>, and Mrs.
+Applebite&rsquo;s hysterics in perspective.</p>
+<p>Mrs. Pilcher was a nursery Macauley, and had the faculty of
+discovering latent beauties in very small infants, that none but
+doting parents ever believed. Agamemnon was an early convert to her
+avowed opinions of the heir of Applebite, who, like all other heirs
+of the same age, resembled a black boy boiled&mdash;that is, if
+there is any affinity between lobsters and niggers. This peculiar
+style of eloquence rendered her other eccentricities less
+objectionable; and when, upon one occasion, the mixture of juniper
+and cloves had disordered her head, instead of comforting her
+stomachic regions, she excused herself by solemnly declaring, that
+&ldquo;the brilliancy of the little darling&rsquo;s eyes, and his
+intoxicating manners, had made her feel as giddy as a goose.&rdquo;
+Collumpsion and Theresa both declared her discernment was equal to
+her caudle, of which, by-the-bye, she was an excellent concocter
+and consumer.</p>
+<p>Old John and the rest of the servants, however, had no parental
+string at which Mrs. Pilcher could tug, and the consequence was,
+that they decided that she was an insufferable bore. Old John, in
+particular, felt the ill effects of the heir of Applebite&rsquo;s
+appearance in the family, and to such a degree did they interfere
+with his old comforts, without increasing his pecuniary resources,
+that he determined one morning, when taking up his master&rsquo;s
+shaving water, absolutely to give warning; for what with the
+morning calls, and continual ringing for glasses&mdash;the
+perpetual communication kept up between the laundry-maid and the
+mangle, and of which he was the circulating medium&mdash;the
+insolence of the nurse, who had ordered him to carry five
+soiled&mdash;never mind&mdash;down stairs: all these annoyances
+combined, the old servant declared were too much for him.</p>
+<p>Collumpsion laid his hand on John&rsquo;s shoulder, and pointing
+to some of the little evidences of paternity which had found their
+way even into his dormitory, said, &ldquo;John, think what I
+suffer; do not leave me; I&rsquo;ll raise your wages, and engage a
+boy to help you; but you are the only thing that reminds me of my
+happy bachelorhood&mdash;you are the only one that can feel
+a&mdash;feel a&mdash;&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;<em>Caudle</em> regard,&rdquo; interrupted John.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Caudle be &mdash;&mdash;.&rdquo; The &ldquo;rest is
+silence,&rdquo; for at that moment Mrs. Waddledot entered the room,
+gave a short scream, and went out again.</p>
+<p>The month passed, and a hackney-coach, containing a bundle and
+the respectable Mrs. Pilcher, &amp;c., rumbled from the door of No.
+24, to the infinite delight of old John the footman, Betty the
+housemaid, Esther the nurserymaid, Susan the cook, and Agamemnon
+Collumpsion Applebite the proprietor.</p>
+<p>How transitory is earthly happiness! How certain its
+uncertainty! A little week had passed, and the &ldquo;Heir of
+Applebite&rdquo; gave notice of his intention to come into his
+property during an early minority, for his once happy progenitor
+began to entertain serious intentions of employing a
+coroner&rsquo;s jury to sit upon himself, owing to the incessant
+and &ldquo;ear-piercing pipe&rdquo; of his little cherub. Vainly
+did he bury his head beneath the pillow, until he was suffused with
+perspiration&mdash;the cry reached him there and then. Cold air was
+pumped into the bed by Mrs. Applebite, as she rocked to and fro, in
+the hope of quieting the &ldquo;son of the sleepless.&rdquo;
+Collumpsion was in constant communication with the
+dressing-table&mdash;now for moist-sugar to stay the
+hiccough&mdash;then for dill-water to allay the stomach-ache. To
+save his little cherub from convulsions, twice was he converted
+into a night-patrole, with the thermometer below zero&mdash;a bad
+fire, with a large slate in it, and an empty coal-scuttle.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>SURREY ZOOLOGICAL GARDENS.</h3>
+<p>&ldquo;Variety,&rdquo; say our school copy-books, &ldquo;is
+charming;&rdquo; hence this must be the most charming place of
+amusement in London. The annexed list of entertainments was
+produced on Tuesday last, when were added to the usual
+<em>passe-temps</em>, a flower and fruit show. Wild beasts in
+cages; flowers of all colours and sizes in pots; enormous cabbages;
+Brobdignag apples; immense sticks of rhubarb; a view of Rome; a
+brass band; a grand Roman cavalcade passing over the bridge of St.
+Angelo; a deafening park of artillery, and an enchanting series of
+pyrotechnic wonders, such as catherine-wheels, flower-pots, and
+rockets; an illumination of St. Peter&rsquo;s; blazes of blue-fire,
+showers of steel-filings, and a grand blow up of the castle of St.
+Angelo.</p>
+<p>Such are the entertainments provided by the proprietor. The
+company&mdash;which numbered at least from five to six
+thousand&mdash;gave them even greater variety. Numerous pic-nic
+parties were seated about on the grass; sandwiches, bottled stout,
+and (with reverence be it spoken) more potent liquors seemed to be
+highly relished, especially by the ladies. Ices were sold at a
+pastry-cook&rsquo;s stall, where a continued <em>feu-de-joie</em>
+of ginger-pop was kept up during the whole afternoon and evening.
+In short, the scene was one of complete <em>al fresco</em>
+enjoyment; how could it be otherwise? The flowers delighted the
+eye; Mr. Godfrey&rsquo;s well-trained band (to wit,
+Beethoven&rsquo;s symphony in C minor, with all the fiddle passages
+beautifully executed upon clarionets!) charmed the ear; and the
+edibles and drinkables aforesaid the palate. Under such a press of
+agreeables, the Surrey Zoological Gardens well deserve the name of
+an Englishman&rsquo;s paradise.</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page110" name="page110"></a>[pg
+110]</span>
+<h2>ON THE SCIENCE OF ELECTIONEERING.</h2>
+<p>To the progress of science and the rapid march of moral
+improvement the most effectual spur that has ever been applied was
+the Reform Bill. Before the introduction of that measure,
+electioneering was a simple process, hardly deserving the name of
+an art; it has now arrived at the rank of a science, the great
+beauty of which is, that, although complicated in practice, it is
+most easy of acquirement. Under the old system boroughs were bought
+by wholesale, scot and lot; now the traffic is done by retail.
+Formerly there was but one seller; at present there must be some
+thousands at least&mdash;all to be bargained with, all to be
+bought. Thus the &ldquo;agency&rdquo; business of electioneering
+has wonderfully increased, and so have the expenses.</p>
+<p>In fact, an agent is to an election what the main-spring is to a
+watch; he is, in point of fact, the real returning-officer. His
+importance is not less than the talents and tact he is obliged to
+exert. He must take a variety of shapes, must tell a variety of
+lies, and perform the part of an animated contradiction. He must
+benevolently pay the taxes of one man who can&rsquo;t vote while in
+arrear; and cruelly serve notices of ejectment upon another, though
+he can show his last quarter&rsquo;s receipt&mdash;he must attend
+temperance meetings, and make opposition electors too drunk to
+vote. He must shake hands with his greatest enemy, and
+<em>palm</em> off upon him lasting proofs of friendship, and
+silver-paper hints which way to vote. He must make flaming speeches
+about principle, puns about &ldquo;interest,&rdquo; and promises
+concerning everything, to everybody. He must never give less than
+five pounds for being shorn by an honest and independent voter, who
+never shaves for less than two-pence&mdash;nor under ten, for a
+four-and-ninepenny goss to an uncompromising hatter. He must
+present ear-rings to wives, bracelets to daughters, and be
+continually broaching a hogshead for fathers, husbands, and
+brothers. He must get up fancy balls, and give away fancy dresses
+to ladies whom he fancies&mdash;especially if they fancy his
+candidate, and their husbands fancy them. He must plan charities,
+organise mobs, causing free-schools to be knocked up, and opponents
+to be knocked down. Finally, he must do all these acts, and spend
+all these sums purely for the good of his country; for, although a
+select committee of the house tries the validity of the
+election&mdash;though they prove bribery, intimidation, and
+treating to everybody&rsquo;s satisfaction, yet they always find
+out that the candidate has had nothing to do with it&mdash;that the
+agent is not <em>his</em> agent, but has acted solely on patriotic
+grounds; by which he is often so completely a martyr, that he is,
+after all, actually prosecuted for bribery, by order of the very
+house which he has helped to fill, and by the very man (as a part
+of the parliament) he has himself returned.</p>
+<p>That this great character might not be lost to posterity, we
+furnish our readers with the portrait of</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/010-02.png"><img src=
+"images/010-02.png" alt=
+"A man made of a whisky barrel (Best British), 'Cheap Bread', etc., standing on a banner marked 'Independence'."
+id="img010-02" name="img010-02" width="80%" /></a>
+<p>AN ELECTION AGENT.</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>THE STATISTICAL SOCIETY.</h3>
+<p>This useful society will shortly publish its Report; and, though
+we have not seen it, we are enabled to guess with tolerable
+accuracy what will be the contents of it:</p>
+<p>In the first place, we shall be told the number of pins picked
+up in the course of the day, by a person walking over a space of
+fifteen miles round London, with the number of those not picked up;
+an estimate of the class of persons that have probably dropped
+them, with the use they were being put to when they actually fell;
+and how they have been applied afterwards.</p>
+<p>The Report will also put the public in possession of the number
+of pot-boys employed in London; what is the average number of pots
+they carry out; and what is the gross weight of metal in the pots
+brought back again. This interesting head will include a
+calculation of how much beer is consumed by children who are sent
+to fetch it in jugs; and what is the whole amount of malt liquor,
+the value of which reaches the producer&rsquo;s pocket, while the
+mouth of the consumer, and not that of the party paying for it,
+receives the sole benefit.</p>
+<p>There are also to be published with the Report elaborate tables,
+showing how many quarts of milk are spilt in the course of a year
+in serving customers; what proportion of water it contains; and
+what are the average ages and breed of the dogs who lap it up; and
+how much is left unlapped up to be absorbed in the atmosphere.</p>
+<p>When this valuable Report is published, we shall make copious
+extracts.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>A NOVEL ENTERTAINMENT.</h3>
+<h4>DRURY-LANE THEATRE.</h4>
+<p>Novelty is certainly the order of the day. Anything that does
+not deviate from the old beaten track meets with little
+encouragement from the present race of amusement-seekers, and,
+consequently, does not pay the <em>entrepreneur</em>. Nudity in
+public adds fresh charms to the orchestra, and red-fire and
+crackers have become absolutely essential to harmony. Acting upon
+this principle, Signor Venafra <em>gave</em> (we admire the term) a
+fancy dress ball at Drury-lane Theatre on Monday evening last, upon
+a plan hitherto unknown in England, but possibly, like the majority
+of deceptive delusions now so popular, of continental origin. The
+whole of the evening&rsquo;s entertainment took place in cabs and
+hackney-coaches, and those vehicles performed several perfectly new
+and intricate figures in Brydges-street, and the other
+thoroughfares adjoining the theatres. The music provided for the
+occasion appeared to be an organ-piano, which performed incessantly
+at the corner of Bow-street, during the evening. Most of the
+<em>&eacute;lite</em> of Hart-street and St. Giles&rsquo;s graced
+the animated pavement as spectators. So perfectly successful was
+the whole affair&mdash;on the word of laughing hundreds who came
+away saying they had never been so amused in their lives&mdash;that
+we hear it is in agitation never to attempt anything of the kind
+again.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>DONE AGAIN.</h3>
+<p>Dunn, the bailless barrister, complained to his friend Charles
+Phillips, that upon the last occasion he had the happiness of
+meeting Miss Burdett Coutts on the Marine Parade, notwithstanding
+all he has gone through for her, she would not condescend to take
+the slightest notice of him. So far from offering anything in the
+shape of consolation, the witty barrister remarked, &ldquo;Upon my
+soul, her conduct was in perfect keeping with her situation, for
+what on earth could be more in unison with a sea-view than</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/010-03.png"><img src=
+"images/010-03.png" alt="A man carves 'Snooks' into a tree." id=
+"img010-03" name="img010-03" width="40%" /></a>
+<p>A CUTTER ON THE BEACH?&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<p>It is well known that the piers of Westminster Bridge have
+considerably sunk since their first erection. They are not the only
+peers, in the same neighbourhood that have become lowered in the
+position they once occupied.</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page111" name="page111"></a>[pg
+111]</span>
+<h2>ASSERTION OF THE UNINTELLIGIBLE.</h2>
+<h3>OR, &ldquo;A KANTITE&rsquo;S&rdquo; FLIGHTS AT AN
+EXORDIUM.</h3>
+<h4>FLIGHT THE FIRST.</h4>
+<p>He who widely, yet ascensively, expatiates in those
+in-all-ways-sloping fields of metaphysical investigation which
+perplex whilst they captivate, and bewilder whilst they allure,
+cannot evitate the perception of perception&rsquo;s fallibility,
+nor avoid the conclusion (if that can be called a conclusion to
+which, it may be said, there are no premises extant) that the
+external senses are but deceptive <em>media</em> of interior mental
+communication. It behoves the ardent, youthful explorator,
+therefore, to &mdash;&mdash;, &amp;c. &amp;c.</p>
+<h4>FLIGHT THE SECOND.</h4>
+<p>In the Promethean persecutions which assail the insurgent
+mentalities of the youth and morning vigour of the inexpressible
+human soul, when, flushed with &AElig;olian light, and, as it were,
+beaded with those lustrous dews which the eternal Aurora lets fall
+from her melodious lip; if it escape living from the beak of the
+vulture (no fable here!), then, indeed, it may aspire to
+&mdash;&mdash;, &amp;c. &amp;c.</p>
+<h4>FLIGHT THE THIRD.</h4>
+<p>If, with waxen Icarian wing, we seek to ascend to that skiey
+elevation whence only can the understretching regions of an
+impassive mutability be satisfactorily contemplated; and if, in our
+heterogeneous ambition, aspirant above self-capacity, we approach
+too near the flammiferous Titan, and so become pinionless, and
+reduced again to an earthly prostration, what marvel is it, that
+&mdash;&mdash;, &amp;c. &amp;c.</p>
+<h4>FLIGHT THE FOURTH.</h4>
+<p>When the perennial Faustus, ever-resident in the questioning
+spirit of immortal man, attempts his first outbreak into the domain
+of unlimited inquiry, unless he take heed of the needfully-cautious
+prudentialities of mundane observance, there infallibly attends him
+a fatal Mephistophelean influence, of which the malign tendency,
+from every conclusion of eventuality, is to plunge him into
+perilous vast cloud-waves of the dream-inhabited vague. Let, then,
+the young student of infinity &mdash;&mdash;, &amp;c. &amp;c.</p>
+<h4>FLIGHT THE FIFTH.</h4>
+<p>Inarched within the boundless empyrean of thought, starry with
+wonder, and constellate with investigation; at one time obfuscated
+in the abysm-born vapours of doubt; at another, radiant with the
+sun-fires of faith made perfect by fruition; it can amaze no
+considerative fraction of humanity, that the explorer of the
+indefinite, the searcher into the not-to-be-defined, should, at
+dreary intervals, invent dim, plastic riddles of his own identity,
+and hesitate at the awful shrine of that dread interrogatory
+alternative&mdash;reality, or dream? This deeply pondering, let the
+eager beginner in the at once linear and circumferent course of
+philosophico-metaphysical contemplativeness, introductively assure
+himself that &mdash;&mdash;, &amp;c. &amp;c.</p>
+<h4>FINAL FLIGHT.</h4>
+<p>As, &ldquo;in the silence and overshadowing of that night whose
+fitful meteoric fires only herald the descent of a superficial fame
+into lasting oblivion, the imbecile and unavailing resistance which
+is made against the doom must often excite our pity for the
+pampered child of market-gilded popularity;&rdquo; and as &ldquo;it
+is not with such feelings that we behold the dark thraldom and
+long-suffering of true intellectual strength,&rdquo; of which the
+&ldquo;brief, though frequent, soundings beneath the earthly
+pressure will be heard even amidst the din of flaunting crowds, or
+the solemn conclaves of common-place minds,&rdquo; of which the
+&ldquo;obscured head will often shed forth ascending beams that can
+only be lost in eternity;&rdquo; and of which the &ldquo;mighty
+struggles to upheave its own weight, and that of the superincumbent
+mass of prejudice, envy, ignorance, folly, or uncongenial force,
+must ever ensure the deepest sympathy of all those who can
+appreciate the spirit of its qualities;&rdquo; let the initiative
+skyward struggles towards the zenith-abysses of the inane
+impalpable &mdash;&mdash;, &amp;c. &amp;c. &amp;c. &amp;c. &amp;c.
+&amp;c.</p>
+<p><em>Dramatic Authors&rsquo; Theatre, Sept. 16, 1841.</em></p>
+<hr />
+<h3>HUMANE SUGGESTION.</h3>
+<p>MASTER PUNCH,&mdash;Mind ye&rsquo;s, I&rsquo;ve been to see
+these here <em>Secretens</em> at the English Uproar &rsquo;Ouse,
+and thinks, mind ye&rsquo;s, they aint by no means the werry best
+Cheshire; but what I want to know is this here&mdash;Why
+don&rsquo;t they give that wenerable old genelman, Mr. Martinussy,
+the Hungry Cardinal, something to eat?&mdash;he is a continually
+calling out for some of his Countrys Weal, (which, I dare say, were
+werry good) and he don&rsquo;t never git so much as a sandvich
+dooring the whole of his life and death&mdash;I mention dese tings,
+because, mind ye&rsquo;s, it aint werry kind of none on
+&lsquo;em.</p>
+<p class="cen">I remains, Mr. PUNCH, Sir, yours truly,</p>
+<p class="rgt">DEF BURKE,</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/010-04.png"><img src=
+"images/010-04.png" alt="A man with a nasty black eye." id=
+"img010-04" name="img010-04" width="30%" /></a>
+<p>HIS MARK.</p>
+</div>
+<hr class="full" />
+<h2>DIALOGUE BETWEEN THE STATUE OF GEORGE CANNING AND SIR ROBERT
+PEEL.</h2>
+<p>The new Premier was taking a solitary stroll the other evening
+through Palace-yard, meditating upon the late turn which had
+brought the Tories to the top of the wheel and the Whigs to the
+bottom, and pondering on the best ways and means of keeping his
+footing in the slippery position that had cost him so much labour
+to attain. While thus employed, with his eyes fixed on the ground,
+and his hands buried in his breeches-pockets, he heard a voice at
+no great distance, calling in familiar tone&mdash;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Bob! Bob!&mdash;I say, Bob!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>The alarmed Baronet stopped, and looked around him to discover
+the speaker, when, casting his eyes upon the statue of George
+Canning in the enclosure of Westminster Abbey, he was astonished to
+perceive it nodding its head at him, like the statue in &ldquo;Don
+Giovanni,&rdquo; in a &ldquo;How d&rsquo;ye do?&rdquo; kind of way.
+Sir Robert, who, since his introduction to the Palace, has grown
+perilously polite, took off his hat, and made a low bow to the
+figure.</p>
+<p>STATUE.&mdash;Bah! no nonsense, Bob, with me! Put on your hat,
+and come over here, close to the railings, while I have a little
+private confab with you. So, you have been called in at last?</p>
+<p>PEEL.&mdash;Yes. Her Majesty has done me the honour to command
+my services; and actuated by a sincere love of my country, I obeyed
+the wishes of my Royal Mistress, and accepted office; though, if I
+had consulted my own inclinations, I should have preferred the
+quiet path of private&mdash;</p>
+<p>STATUE.&mdash;Humbug! You forget yourself, Bob; you are not now
+at Tamworth, or in the house, but talking to an old hand that knows
+every move on the political board,&mdash;you need have no disguise
+with me. Come, be candid for once, and tell me, what are your
+intentions?</p>
+<p>PEEL.&mdash;Why, then, candidly, to keep my place as long as I
+can&mdash;</p>
+<p>STATUE.&mdash;Undoubtedly; that is the first duty of every
+patriotic minister! But the means, Bob?</p>
+<p>PEEL&mdash;Oh! Cant&mdash;cant&mdash;nothing but cant! I shall
+talk of my feeling for the wants of the people, while I pick their
+pockets; bestow my pity upon the manufacturers, while I tax the
+bread that feeds their starving families; and proclaim my sympathy
+with the farmers, while I help the arrogant landlords to grind them
+into the dust.</p>
+<p>STATUE.&mdash;Ah! I perceive yon understand the true principles
+of legislation. Now, <em>I</em> once really felt what you only
+feign. In my time, I attempted to carry out my ideas of
+amelioration, and wanted to improve the moral and physical
+condition of the people, but&mdash;</p>
+<p>PEEL.&mdash;You failed. Few gave you credit for purely patriotic
+motives&mdash;and still fewer believed you to be sincere in your
+professions. Now, <em>my</em> plan is much easier, and safer. Give
+the people fair promises&mdash;they don&rsquo;t cost much&mdash;but
+nothing besides promises; the moment you attempt to realise the
+hopes you have raised, that moment you raise a host of enemies
+against yourself.</p>
+<p>STATUE.&mdash;But if you make promises, the nation will demand a
+fulfilment of them.</p>
+<p>PEEL.&mdash;I have an answer ready for all
+comers&mdash;&ldquo;Wait awhile!&rdquo; &rsquo;Tis a famous soother
+for all impatient grumblers. It kept the Whigs in office for ten
+years, and I see no reason why it should not serve our turn as
+long. Depend upon it, &ldquo;Wait awhile&rdquo; is the great secret
+of Government.</p>
+<p>STATUE.&mdash;Ah! I believe you are right. I now see that I was
+only a novice in the trade of politics. By the bye, Bob, I
+don&rsquo;t at all like my situation here; &rsquo;tis really very
+uncomfortable to be exposed to all weathers&mdash;scorched in
+summer, and frost-nipped in winter. Though I am only a statue, I
+feel that I ought to be protected.</p>
+<p>PEEL.&mdash;Undoubtedly, my dear sir. What can I do for you?</p>
+<p>STATUE.&mdash;Why, I want to get into the Abbey, St.
+Paul&rsquo;s, or Drury Lane. Anywhere out of the open air.</p>
+<p>PEEL.&mdash;Say no more&mdash;it shall be done. I am only too
+happy to have it in my power to serve the statue of a man to whom
+his country is so deeply indebted.</p>
+<p>STATUE.&mdash;But <em>when</em> shall it be done, Bob?
+To-morrow?</p>
+<p>PEEL.&mdash;Not precisely to-morrow; but&mdash;</p>
+<p>STATUE.&mdash;Next week, then?</p>
+<p>PEEL.&mdash;I can&rsquo;t say; but don&rsquo;t be
+impatient&mdash;rely on my promise, and <em>wait awhile, wait
+awhile</em>, my dear friend. Good night.</p>
+<p>STATUE.&mdash;Oh! confound your <em>wait awhile</em>. I see I
+have nothing to expect.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>THE BEAUTY OF BRASS.</h3>
+<p>Tom Duncombe declares he never passes McPhail&rsquo;s
+imitative-gold mart without thinking of Ben D&rsquo;Israeli&rsquo;s
+speeches, as both of them are so confoundedly full of fantastic</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/010-05.png"><img src=
+"images/010-05.png" alt="A man wearing three hats." id="img010-05"
+name="img010-05" width="30%" /></a>
+<p>MOSAIC ORNAMENTS.</p>
+</div>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page112" name="page112"></a>[pg
+112]</span>
+<h2>PUNCH AT THE ART-UNION EXHIBITION AGAIN</h2>
+<p>Limited space in our last number prevented our noticing any
+other than the Sleeping Beauty; and, as there are many other
+humorous productions possessing equal claims to our attention in
+the landscape and other departments of art, we shall herein
+endeavour to point out their characteristics&mdash;more for the
+advantage of future purchasers than for the better and further
+edification of those whose meagre notions and tastes have already
+been shown. And as the Royal Academicians, par courtesy, demand our
+first notice, we shall, having wiped off D. M&rsquo;Clise, R.A.,
+now proceed, baton in hand, to make a few pokes at W.F.
+Witherington, R.A., upon his work entitled &ldquo;Winchester Tower,
+Windsor Castle, from Romney Lock.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>This is a subject which has been handled many times within our
+recollection, by artists of less name, less fame, and less
+pretensions to notice, if we except the undeniable fact of their
+displaying infinitely more ability in their representations of the
+subject, than can by any possibility be discovered in the one by W.
+F. Witherington, R.A. If our remarks were made with an affectionate
+eye to the young ladies of the satin-album-loving school, we should
+assuredly style this &ldquo;a duck of a picture&rdquo;&mdash;one
+after their own hearts&mdash;treated in mild and undisturbed tones
+of yellow, blue, and pink&mdash;and what yellows! what blues! and
+what pinks! Some kind, superintending genius of landscape-painting
+evidently prepared the scene for W.F. Witherington, R.A. It
+displays nothing of the vulgar every-day look of nature, as seen at
+Romney Lock, or any other spot; not a pebble out of its
+place&mdash;not a leaf deranged&mdash;here are bright amber trees,
+and blue metallic towers, prepared gravel-walks, and figures nicely
+cleaned and bleached to suit; it is, in truth, the most genteel
+landscape ever looked on. Nothing but absolute needlework can
+create more wonderment. Fie! fie! get thee hence, W.F.
+Witherington, R.A.</p>
+<p>Just placed over the last-mentioned picture, and, doubtlessly so
+arranged that the gentle R.A. should find that, although his bright
+specimen of mild murder may be adjudged the worst in the
+collection, still there are others worthy of being classed in the
+same order of oddities. Behold No. 19, entitled,
+&ldquo;Landscape&mdash;Evening&mdash;J.F. Gilbert,&rdquo; and
+selected by Mr. John Bullock from the Royal Academy.
+&ldquo;What&rsquo;s in a name?&rdquo; In the charitable hope that
+there is a chance of this purchaser being toned down in the course
+of time, after the same manner that pictures are, and, by that
+process, display more sobriety, we most humbly offer to Mr. B. our
+modest judgment upon his selection (not upon his choice, but upon
+the thing chosen). That it is a landscape we gloomily admit; but
+that it represents &ldquo;Evening&rdquo; we steadily deny. The
+exact period of the day, after much puzzling and deliberation, we
+cannot arrive at; one thing yet we are assured of&mdash;that it has
+been painted in company with a clock that was either too fast or
+too slow. The composition, which has very much the appearance of
+the by-gone century, is a prime selection from the finest parts of
+those very serene views to be found adorning the lowest interiors
+of wash-hand basins, with a dash from the works of Smith of
+Chichester, whose mental elevation in his profession was only
+surpassed by the high finish of his apple-trees, and the elaborate
+nothingness of his general choice of subject. In the foreground of
+the picture, the artist has, however, most aptly introduced the two
+vagabonds invariably to be seen idling in the foregrounds of
+landscapes of this class&mdash;two rascally scouts who have put in
+appearance from time immemorial; they are here just as in the works
+alluded to, the one sitting, the other of course standing, and
+courteously bending to receive the remarks of his friend. By the
+side of the stream, which flows through (or rather takes up) the
+middle of the picture, and immediately opposite to the two
+everlastings, is a little plain-looking agriculturist, who appears
+to be watching them. He is in the careless and ever-admitted
+picturesque position of leaning over a garden fence; but whether
+the invariables are aware of the little gentleman, and are
+consequently conversing in an undertone, we leave every beholder to
+speculate and settle for himself. Behind the worthy small farmer,
+and coming from the door of his residence, most cleverly
+introduced, is his wife (we know it to represent the wife, from the
+clear fact of the lady&rsquo;s appearance being typical of the
+gentleman&rsquo;s), who is in the act of observing that the
+children are waiting his presence at table, and adding, no doubt,
+that he had better come in and assist her in the cabbage-and-bacon
+duties of the repast, than lose his time and annoy the family.</p>
+<p>We must now draw the spectator from the above-mentioned objects
+to a little piscatorial sportsman, who, apart from them, and in the
+retirement of his own thoughts upon worms, ground-bait, and catgut,
+lends his aid, together with a lively little amateur waterman,
+paddling about in a little boat, selfishly built to hold none other
+than himself&mdash;a hill rising in the middle ground, and two or
+three minor editions of the same towards the distance, carefully
+dotted with trees, after the fashion of a ready-made portable park
+from the toy <em>depot</em> in the Lowther Arcade&mdash;two
+bee-hives, a water-mill, some majestic smoke, something that looks
+like a skein of thread thrown over a mountain, and the memorable
+chiaro-scuro, form the interesting episodes of this glorious essay
+in the epic pastoral.</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<h2>SYNCRETIC LITERATURE</h2>
+<p class="note"><em>Observations on the Epic Poem of Giles
+Scroggins and Molly Brown&mdash;resumed.</em></p>
+<p>The fatal operation of the unavoidable, ever-impending, ruthless
+shears of the stern controller of human destiny, and curtailer of
+human life&mdash;the action by which</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>&ldquo;Fate&rsquo;s scissors cut Giles Scroggins&rsquo;
+thread,&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p>or rather the thread of Giles Scroggins&rsquo; life, at once and
+most completely establishes the wholesome moral as to the fearful
+uncertainty of all sublunary anticipations, and stands forth a
+beautiful beacon to warn the over-weaning &ldquo;worldly
+wisemen&rdquo; from their often too-fondly-cherished dreams of
+realising, by their own means and appliances, the darling projects
+of their ambitious hopes!</p>
+<p>The immediate effect of the operation performed by Fate&rsquo;s
+scissors, or rather by Fate herself&mdash;as she was the great and
+absolute disposer&mdash;to whom the implement employed was but a
+matter of fancy; for had Fate so chosen, a bucket, a bowie-knife, a
+brick-bat, a black cap, or a box of patent pills, might, as well as
+her destructive shears, have made a tenant for a yawning grave of
+doomed Giles Scroggins. We say, the immediate effect arising from
+this cutting cause was one in which both parties&mdash;the living
+bride and defunct bridegroom&mdash;were equally concerned, their
+lover&rsquo;s co-partnership rendering each liable for the acts or
+accidents of the other; therefore as may be (and we think is)
+clearly established, under these circumstances,</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>&ldquo;They could <em>not</em> be <em>mar-ri</em>-ed!&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p>There is something deliciously affecting in the beautiful
+drawing out of the last syllable!&mdash;it seems like the lingering
+of the heart&rsquo;s best feelings upon the blighted prospects of
+its purest joys!&mdash;the ceremony that would have completed the
+union of the loving maiden and admiring swain, blending, as it
+were, like the twin prongs of a brass-bound toasting-fork, their
+interests in one common cause. The ceremony of love&rsquo;s
+concentration can never be performed! but the heart-feeling poet
+extends each tiny syllable even to its utmost stretch, that the
+tear-dropping reader may, while gulping down his sympathies, make
+at least a handsome mouthful of the word.</p>
+<p>We now approach, with considerable awe, a portion of our task to
+which we beg to call the undivided attention of our erudite
+readers. Upon referring to the original black-letter quarto, we
+find, after each particular sentence, the author introduces, with
+consummate tact, a line, meant, as we presume, as a kind of
+literary resting-place, upon which the delighted mind might, in the
+sweet indulgence of repose, reflect with greater pleasure on the
+thrilling parts, made doubly thrilling by the poet&rsquo;s fire.
+The diversity of these, if we may so express them, &ldquo;camp
+stools&rdquo; of imagination, is worthy of remark, both as to their
+application and amplitude. For instance, after <em>one</em> line,
+and that if perused with attention, comparatively less abstruse
+than its fellows, the gifted poet satisfies himself with the
+insertion of three sonorous, but really simple syllables, they are
+invariably at follows&mdash;</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>&ldquo;Too-ral-loo!&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p>But when <em>two</em> lines of the poem&mdash;burning with
+thought, bursting with action&mdash;entrance by their sublimity the
+enraptured reader, greater time is given, and more extended
+accommodation for a mental sit-down is afforded in the elaborate
+and elongated composition of</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>&ldquo;Whack! fol-de-riddle lol-de-day!&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p>These introductions are of a high classic origin. Many
+professors of eminence have quarrelled as to whether they were not
+the original of the &ldquo;Greek chorus;&rdquo; while others, of
+equal erudition, have as stoutly maintained, though closely
+approximating in character and purpose, they are not the
+&ldquo;originals,&rdquo; but imitations, and decidedly admirable
+ones, from those celebrated poets.</p>
+<p>A Mr. William Waters, a gentleman of immense travel, one who had
+left the burning zone of the far East to visit the more chilling
+gales of a European climate, a philosopher of the sect known as the
+&ldquo;Peripatetic,&rdquo; a devoted follower of the heathen Nine,
+whose fostering care has ever been devoted to the tutelage of the
+professors of sweet sounds; and therefore Waters was a high
+authority, declared in the peculiar <em>patois</em> attendant upon
+the pronunciation of a foreign mode of speech&mdash;that</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>&ldquo;Too-ral-loo&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p>was to catch him wind! And</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>&ldquo;Whack! fol-de-riddle lol-de-day,&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p>to let &ldquo;um rosin up him fuddlestick!&rdquo; These
+deductions are practical, if not poetical; but these are but the
+emanations from the brain of one&mdash;hundreds of other
+commentators differ from his view.</p>
+<p>The most erudite linguists are excessively puzzled as to the
+nation whose peculiar language has been resorted to for these
+singular and unequalled introductions. The</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>&ldquo;Too-ral-loo&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p>has been given up in despair. The nearest solution was that of
+an eminent arithmetician, who conjectured from the word too
+(Anglice, <em>two</em>)&mdash;and the use of the four
+cyphers&mdash;those immediately following the T and L&mdash;that
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page113" name="page113"></a>[pg
+113]</span> they were intended to convey some notion of the
+personal property of Giles Scroggins or Molly Brown (he never made
+up his mind which of the two); and merely wanted the following
+marks to render them plain:&mdash;</p>
+<p>T&mdash;oo (<em>two</em>)&mdash;either shillings or
+pence&mdash;and L&mdash;oo: no pounds!</p>
+<p>This may or may not be right, but the research and ingenuity
+deserve the immortality we now confer upon it. The other line,
+the</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>&ldquo;Whack! fol-de-riddle lol-de-day!&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p>has, perhaps, given rise to far more controversy, with certainly
+less tangible and satisfactory results.</p>
+<p>The scene of the poem not being expressly stated in the original
+or early black-letter translation, many persons&mdash;whose love of
+country prompted their wishes&mdash;have endeavoured to attach a
+nationality to these gordian knots of erudition. An Hibernian
+gentleman of immense research&mdash;the celebrated &ldquo;Darby
+Kelly&rdquo;&mdash;has openly asserted the whole affair to be
+decidedly of Milesian origin: and, amid a vast number of
+corroborative circumstances, strenuously insists upon the solidity
+of his premises and deductions by triumphantly exclaiming,
+&ldquo;What, or who but an <em>Irish</em> poet and an Irish hero,
+would commence a matter of so much consequence with the
+soul-stirring &ldquo;whack!&rdquo; adopted by the great author, and
+put into the mouth of his chosen hero?&rdquo; Others again have
+supposed&mdash;which is also far more improbable&mdash;that much of
+the obscurity of the above passage has its origin from simple
+mis-spelling on the part of the poet&rsquo;s amanuensis&mdash;he
+taking the literal dictation, forgetting the sublime author was
+suffering from a cold in the head, which rendered the words in
+sound&mdash;</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>&ldquo;Riddle <em>lol</em> the lay;&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p>whereas they would otherwise have been pronounced&mdash;</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>&ldquo;Riddle&mdash;<em>all the day</em>&rdquo;&mdash;</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p>that being an absolute and positive allusion to the agricultural
+pursuits of Giles Scroggins, he being generally employed by his
+more wealthy master&mdash;a great agrarian of those times&mdash;in
+the manly though somewhat fatiguing occupation of &ldquo;riddling
+all the day:&rdquo; an occupation which&mdash;like this
+article&mdash;was to be frequently resumed.</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<h2>A NEW THEORY OF POCKETS.</h2>
+<p class="note">DEFINITION <em>Pocket</em>, s. the small bag
+inserted into clothes.&mdash;WALKER (<em>a new edition, by
+Hookey</em>).</p>
+<p>We are great on the subject of pockets&mdash;we acknowledge
+it&mdash;we avow it. From our youth upwards, and we are venerable
+now, we have made them the object of untiring research, analysis,
+and speculation; and if our exertions have occasionally involved us
+in contingent predicaments, or our zeal laid us open to
+conventional misconstructions, we console ourselves with Galileo
+and Tycho Brahe, who having, like us, discovered and arranged
+systems too large for the scope of the popular intellect, like us,
+became the martyrs of those great principles of science which they
+have immortalized themselves by teaching.</p>
+<p>The result of a course of active and careful (s)peculations on
+the philosophy and economy of pockets, has led us to the conviction
+that their intention and use are but very imperfectly understood,
+even by the intelligent and reflective section of the community. It
+is, we fear, a very common error to regard them as conventional
+recesses, adapted for the reception and deposit of such luxurious
+additaments to the attire as are detached, yet accessory and
+indispensable ministers to our comfort. Now this delusive
+supposition is diametrically opposed to the truth. Pockets (we must
+be plain)&mdash;pockets are not made <em>to put into</em>, but to
+<em>take out of</em>; and, although it is of course necessary that,
+in order to produce the result of withdrawal, they be previously
+furnished with the wherewithal to withdraw, yet the process of
+insertion and supply is only carried on for the purpose of
+assisting the operation of the system.</p>
+<p>And having, we trust, logically established this point, we shall
+hazard no incautious position in asserting that the man who empties
+a pocket, fulfils the object for which it was founded and
+established. And although, unhappily, a prejudice still exists in
+the minds of the uneducated, in favour of emptying their own
+pockets themselves, it must be evident that none but a narrow mind
+can take umbrage at the trifling acceleration of an event which
+must inevitably occur; or would desire to appropriate the credit of
+the distribution, as well as to deserve the merit of the
+supply.</p>
+<p>We perceive with concern and apprehension, that pockets are
+gradually falling into disuse. To use the flippant idiom of the
+day, they are going out! This is an alarming, as well as a
+lamentable fact; and one, too, strikingly illustrative of the
+degeneracy of modern fashions. Whether we ascribe the change to a
+contemptuous neglect of ancestral institutions, or to an increasing
+difficulty in furnishing the indispensable attributes of the
+pocket, it is alike indicative of a crisis; and we confess that it
+is matter of astonishment to us, that in these days of theory and
+hypothesis, no man has ventured to trace the distress and the ruin
+now impending over the country, to the increasing disrespect and
+disuse of&mdash;pockets.</p>
+<p>By way of approving our conjecture, let us contrast the garments
+of the hour with those of England in the olden time&mdash;long ago,
+when boards smoked and groaned under a load of good things in every
+man&rsquo;s house; when the rich took care of the poor, and the
+poor took care of themselves; when husband and wife married for
+love, and lived happily (though that must have been very long ago
+indeed); the athletic yeoman proceeded to his daily toil, enveloped
+in garments instinct with pockets. The ponderous watch&mdash;the
+plethoric purse&mdash;the massive snuff-box&mdash;the dainty
+tooth-pick&mdash;the grotesque handkerchief; all were accommodated
+and cherished in the more ample recesses of his coat; while
+supplementary fobs were endeared to him by their more seductive
+contents: <em>as</em> ginger lozenges, love-letters, and
+turnpike-tickets. Such were the days on which we should reflect
+with regret; such were the men whom we should imitate and revere.
+Had such a character as we have endeavoured feebly to sketch, met
+an individual enveloped in a shapeless cylindrical tube of pale
+Macintosh&mdash;impossible for taste&mdash;incapable of
+pockets&mdash;indefinite and indefinable&mdash;we question whether
+he would have regarded him in the light of a maniac, an incendiary,
+or a foreign spy&mdash;whether he would not have handed him
+immediately over to the exterminators of the law, as a being too
+depraved, too degraded for human sympathy. And yet&mdash;for our
+prolixity warns us to conclude&mdash;and yet the festering
+contagion of this baneful example is now-a-days hidden under the
+mask of fashion. FASHION! and has it indeed come to this? Is
+fashion to trample on the best and finest feelings of our nature?
+Is fashion to be permitted to invade us in our green lanes, and our
+high roads, under our vines and our fig-trees, without hindrance,
+and without pockets? For the sake of human nature, we hope
+not&mdash;for the sake of our bleeding country, we hope not. No!
+&ldquo;Take care of your pockets!&rdquo; is one of the earliest
+maxims instilled into the youthful mind; and emphatically do we
+repeat to our fellow-countrymen&mdash;Englishmen, take care of your
+pockets!</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<h2>PUNCH&rsquo;S THEATRE.</h2>
+<div class="dropcap"><a href="images/010-06.png"><img src=
+"images/010-06.png" alt=
+"A seated man blows smoke. His body and the plume form the letter C."
+id="img010-06" name="img010-06" width="100%" /></a></div>
+<p><span class="hide">C</span>ritics, as well as placemen, are
+occasionally sinecurists, and, like the gentlemen of England
+immortalised by Dibdin, are able, now and then, to &ldquo;live at
+home at ease&rdquo;&mdash;to dine (on dining days) in comfort, not
+having to rise from table to give authors or actors their dessert.
+This kind of novelty in our lives takes place when managers produce
+no novelties in their theatres; when authors are lazy, and actors
+do not come out in new parts but are contented with wearing out old
+ones&mdash;when, in short, such an eventless theatrical week as the
+past one leaves us to the enjoyment of our own hookahs, and the
+port of our cellar-keeping friends. The play-bills seem to have
+been printed from stereotype, for, like the laws of the Medes and
+Persians, they have never altered&mdash;since our last report.</p>
+<p>This unexpected hot weather has visited the public with many a
+&ldquo;Midsummer night&rsquo;s dream,&rdquo; <em>although</em> it
+is&mdash;and Covent Garden has opened <em>because</em> it is
+September; Sheridan&rsquo;s &ldquo;Critic&rdquo; has been very busy
+there, though PUNCH&rsquo;S has had nothing to do. &ldquo;London
+Assurance&rdquo; is still seen to much advantage, and so is Madame
+Vestris.</p>
+<p>The Haymarket manager continues to wade knee-deep in tragedy, in
+spite of the state of the weather. The fare is, however, too good
+for any change in the <em>carte</em>. &ldquo;Werner&rdquo; forms a
+substantial standing dish. The &ldquo;Boarding School&rdquo; makes
+a most palpable <em>entr&eacute;e</em>; while &ldquo;Bob
+Short,&rdquo; and &ldquo;My Friend the Captain,&rdquo; serve as
+excellent after-courses. The promises recorded in the Haymarket
+bills are, a new tragedy by a new author, and an old comedy called
+&ldquo;Riches;&rdquo; a certain hit, if the continued success of
+&ldquo;Money&rdquo; be any criterion.</p>
+<p>It is with feelings of the most rabid indignation that we
+approach the <em>Strand Theatre</em>, and the ruthless threat its
+announcements put forth of the future destruction of the only
+legitimate drama that is now left amongst us; that is to say,
+&ldquo;PUNCH.&rdquo; When Thespis and his pupil Phynicus
+&ldquo;came out&rdquo; at the feasts of Bacchus; when
+&ldquo;Roscius was an actor in Rome;&rdquo; when Scaramouch turned
+the Materia Medica into a farce, and became a quack doctor in
+Italy; when Richardson set up his show in England&mdash;all these
+geniuses were peregrinate, peripatetic&mdash;their scenes were
+really moving ones, their tragic woes went upon wheels, their
+comedies were run through at the rate of so many miles per hour;
+the entire drama was, in fact, a travelling concern. Punch, the
+concentrated essence of all these, has, up to this date, preserved
+the pristine purity of his peripatetic fame; he still remains on
+circuit, he still retains his legitimacy. But, alas! ere this sheet
+has passed through the press, while its ink is yet as wet as our
+dear Judy&rsquo;s eyes, he will have fallen from his high estate:
+Hall will have housed him! Punch will have taken a stationary stand
+at the Strand Theatre!! The last stroke will have been given to the
+only ancient drama remaining, except the tragedies of Sophocles,
+and &ldquo;Gammer Gurton&rsquo;s Needle.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>With feelings of both sorrow and anger, we turn from the
+pedestrian to the equestrian drama. The Surrey has again, as of
+yore, become the Circus; she has been joined to Ducrow and his stud
+by the usual symbol of union&mdash;a <em>ring</em>.
+&ldquo;Mazeppa&rdquo; is <em>ridden</em> by Mr. Cartlitch, with
+great success, and the wild horse performed by an animal so highly
+trained, that it is as tame as a lap-dog&mdash;has galloped through
+a score or so of nights, to the delight of some thousands of
+spectators. The scenes in the circle exhibit the usual
+<em>round</em> of entertainment, and the <em>Merryman</em> delivers
+those reliques of antique faceti&aelig; which have descended to the
+clowns of the ring from generation to generation, without the
+smallest innovation. Thus the Surrey shows symptoms of high
+prosperity, and properly declines to fly in Fortune&rsquo;s face by
+attempting novelty.</p>
+<p>The Victoria continues to kill &ldquo;James Dawson,&rdquo; in
+spite of our prediction. The bills, however, promise that he shall
+die outright on Monday next, and a happy release it will be. The
+proprietor of &ldquo;Sadler&rsquo;s Wells&rdquo; is making most
+spirited efforts to attract play-goers to the Islington side of the
+New River, by a return to the legitimate drama of <em>his</em>
+theatre, viz.&mdash;real water; while his box check-taker has kept
+one important integer of the public away; namely, that singular
+plural <em>we</em>&mdash;by impertinence for which we have
+exhausted all patience without obtaining redress.</p>
+<p>There are, we hear, other theatres open in London, one called
+the &ldquo;City of London,&rdquo; somewhere near Shoreditch;
+another in Whitechapel, both <em>terr&aelig; incognit&aelig;</em>
+to us. The proprietors of these have handsomely presented us with
+free admissions. We beg them to accept our thanks for their
+courtesy; but are sorry we cannot avail ourselves of it till they
+add the obligation of providing us with <em>guides</em>.</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page114" name="page114"></a>[pg
+114]</span>
+<h2>THE CORN LAWS AND CHRISTIANITY.</h2>
+<p>Doctor Chalmers refused to attend the synod of Clergymen
+gathered together to consider the relative value of the Big and
+Little Loaf, on the ground that the reverend gentlemen were
+beginning their work at the wrong end. Wages will go up with
+Christianity, says the Doctor; cheap corn will follow the
+dissemination of cheap Bibles. &ldquo;I know of no other road for
+the indefinite advancement of the working classes to a far better
+remuneration, and, of course, a far more liberal maintenance, in
+return for their toils, than they have ever yet enjoyed&mdash;it is
+a <em>universal Christian education</em>.&rdquo; Such are the words
+of Doctor CHALMERS.</p>
+<p>We perfectly agree with the reverend doctor. Instead of shipping
+Missionaries to Africa, let us keep those Christian sages at home
+for the instruction of the English Aristocracy. When we consider
+the benighted condition of the elegant savages of the western
+squares,&mdash;when we reflect upon the dreadful scepticism
+abounding in Park-lane, May-fair, Portland-place and its
+vicinity,&mdash;when we contemplate the abominable idols which
+these unhappy natives worship in their ignorance,&mdash;when we
+know that every thought, every act of their misspent life is
+dedicated to a false religion, when they make hourly and daily
+sacrifice to that brazen serpent,</p>
+<p class="cen">SELF!&mdash;</p>
+<p>when they offer up the poor man&rsquo;s sweat to the
+abomination,&mdash;when they lay before it the crippled child of
+the factory,&mdash;when they take from life its bloom and dignity,
+and degrading human nature to mere brute breathing, make offering
+of its wretchedness as the most savoury morsel to the perpetual
+craving of their insatiate god,&mdash;when we consider all the
+&ldquo;manifold sins and wickednesses&rdquo; of the barbarians in
+purple and fine linen, of those pampered savages &ldquo;whose eyes
+are red with wine and whose teeth white with milk,&rdquo;&mdash;we
+do earnestly hope that the suggestion of Doctor Chalmers will be
+carried into immediate practical effect, and that Missionaries,
+preaching true Christianity, will be sent among the rich and
+benighted people of this country,&mdash;so that the poor may
+believe that the Scriptures are something more than mere printed
+paper, seeing their glorious effects in the awakened hearts of
+those who, in the arrogance of their old idolatry, called
+themselves their betters!</p>
+<p>&ldquo;A universal Christian education!&rdquo; To this end, the
+Bench of Bishops meet at Lambeth; and discovering that locusts and
+wild honey&mdash;the Baptist&rsquo;s diet&mdash;may be purchased
+for something less than ten thousand a year,&mdash;and, after a
+minute investigation of the Testament, failing to discover the name
+of St. Peter&rsquo;s coachmaker, or of St. Paul&rsquo;s footman,
+his valet, or his cook,&mdash;take counsel one with another, and
+resolve to forego at least nine-tenths of their yearly in-comings.
+&ldquo;No!&rdquo; they exclaim&mdash;and what apostolic brightness
+beams in the countenance of CANTERBURY&mdash;what celestial light
+plays about the fleshy head of LONDON&mdash;what more than
+saint-like beauty surprises the cowslip-coloured face of
+EXETER&mdash;what lambent fire, what looks of Christian love play
+about and beam from the whole episcopal
+Bench!&mdash;&ldquo;No!&rdquo; they cry&mdash;&ldquo;we will no
+longer have the spirit oppressed by these cumbrous trappings of
+fleshy pride! We will promote an universal Christian
+education&mdash;we will teach charity by examples, and live unto
+all men by a personal abstinence from the bickerings and malice of
+civil life. We will not defile the sacred lawn with the mud of
+turnpike acts&mdash;we will no longer sweat in the House of Lords,
+but labour only in the House of the Lord!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Their Christian hearts sweetly suffused with sudden meekness,
+the Bishops proceed&mdash;staff in hand, and Bible under
+arm&mdash;from Lambeth Palace. How the people make way for the holy
+procession! Hackney-coachmen on their stands uncover themselves,
+and the drayman, surprised in his whistle, doffs his beaver to the
+reverend pilgrims. With measured step and slow, they proceed to
+Downing-street; the self-deputed Missionaries, resolved to give her
+Majesty&rsquo;s ministers &ldquo;a Christian education.&rdquo; Sir
+ROBERT PEEL is immediately taken in hand by the Bishop of EXETER;
+who sets the Baronet to learn and exemplify the practical beauties
+of the Lord&rsquo;s Prayer. When Sir ROBERT comes to &ldquo;give us
+this day our daily bread,&rdquo; he insists upon adding the words
+&ldquo;<em>with a sliding scale</em>.&rdquo; However, EXETER,
+animated by a sudden flux of Christianity, keeps the baronet to his
+lesson, and the Premier is regenerated; yea, is &ldquo;a brand
+snatched from the fire.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Lord LYNDHURST makes a great many wry mouths at some parts of
+the Decalogue&mdash;we will not particularise them&mdash;but the
+Bishop of London is resolute, and the new Lord Chancellor is, in
+all respects a bran-new Christian.</p>
+<p>Lord STANLEY begs that when he prays for power to forgive all
+his enemies, he may be permitted to except from that
+prayer&mdash;DANIEL O&rsquo;CONNELL. The Bishop is, however,
+inexorable; and O&rsquo;Connell is to be prayed for, in all
+churches visited by Lord STANLEY.</p>
+<p>Several of the bishops, smitten by the heathen darkness of the
+great majority of the Cabinet&mdash;affected by their utter
+ignorance of the practical working of Christianity&mdash;burst into
+tears. It will not be credited by those disposed to think
+charitably of their fellow-creatures, that&mdash;we state the
+melancholy fact upon the golden word of the Bishop of
+EXETER&mdash;several Cabinet ministers had never heard of the
+divine sentence which enjoins upon us to do to others as we would
+they should do unto us. Sir JAMES GRAHAM, for instance, declared
+that he had always understood the passage to simply
+run&mdash;&ldquo;<em>Do</em> others;&rdquo; and had, therefore, in
+very many acts of his political life, squared his doings according
+to the mutilated sentence. All the Cabinet had, more or less, some
+idea of the miracle of the Loaves and the Fishes. Indeed, many of
+them confessed that with them, the Loaves and the Fishes had,
+during their whole political career, contained the essence of
+Christianity. Sir EDWARD KNATCHBULL, Lord ELLENBOROUGH, and
+GOULBURN declared that for the last ten years they had hungered for
+nothing else.</p>
+<p>We cannot dwell upon every individual case of ignorance
+displayed in the Cabinet. We confine ourselves to the glad
+statement, that every minister from the first lord of the treasury
+to the grooms in waiting, vivified by the sacred heat of their
+schoolmaster Bishops, illustrate the great truth of Doctor
+CHALMERS, that the poor man can only obtain justice &ldquo;by a
+<em>universal</em> Christian education.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>The Bench of Bishops do not confine their labours to the
+instruction of the Cabinet. By no means. They have appointed
+prebends, deans, canons, vicars, &amp;c., to teach the members of
+both houses of Parliament practical Christianity towards their
+fellow-men. Lord LONDONDERRY has sold his fowling-piece for the
+benefit of the poor&mdash;has given his shooting-jacket to the
+ragged beggar that sweeps the crossing opposite the Carlton
+Club&mdash;and resolving to forego the vanities of grouse, is now
+hard at work on &ldquo;The Acts of the Apostles.&rdquo; Colonel
+SIBTHORP&mdash;after unceasing labour on the part of Doctor
+CROLY&mdash;has managed to spell at least six of the hard names in
+the first chapter of St. Matthew, and can now, with very slight
+hesitation, declare who was the father of ZEBEDEE&rsquo;S
+children!</p>
+<p>&ldquo;An universal Christian education!&rdquo; Oh, reader!
+picture to yourself London&mdash;for one day only&mdash;operated
+upon by the purest Christianity. Consider the mundane interests of
+this tremendous metropolis directed by Apostolic principles!
+Imagine the hypocrisy of respectability&mdash;the conventional
+lie&mdash;the allowed ceremonial deceit&mdash;the tricks of
+trade&mdash;the ten thousand scoundrel subterfuges by which the
+lowest dealers of this world purchase Bank-stock and rear their own
+pine-apples&mdash;the common, innocent iniquities (innocent from
+their very antiquity, having been bequeathed from sire to son)
+which men perpetrate six working-days in the week, and after,
+lacker up their faces with a look of sleek humility for the Sunday
+pew&mdash;consider all this locust swarm of knaveries annihilated
+by the purifying spirit of Christianity, and then look upon London
+breathing and living, for one day only, by the sweet, sustaining
+truth of the Gospel!</p>
+<p>Had our page ten thousand times its amplitude, it would not
+contain the briefest register of the changes of that day!</p>
+<p>There is a scoundrel attorney, who for thirty years has become
+plethoric on broken hearts. The scales of leprous villany have
+fallen from him; and now, an incarnation of justice, he sits with
+open doors, to pour oil into the wounds of the smitten&mdash;to
+make man embrace man as his brother&mdash;to preach lovingkindness
+to all the world, and&mdash;without a fee&mdash;to chant the
+praises of peace and amity.</p>
+<p><em>Crib</em> the stockbroker meets <em>Horns</em> a
+fellow-labourer in the same hempen walk of life. <em>Crib</em>
+offers to buy a little Spanish of <em>Horns</em>. &ldquo;My dear
+<em>Crib</em>,&rdquo; says <em>Horns</em>, &ldquo;it is impossible;
+I can&rsquo;t sell; for I have just received by a private hand from
+Cadiz, news that must send the stock down to nothing. I am a
+Christian, my dear <em>Crib</em>,&rdquo; says <em>Horns</em>,
+&ldquo;and as a Christian, how could I sell you a certain
+loss?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>A mistaken, but well-meaning man, although a tailor, meets his
+debtor in Bow-street. A slight quarrel ensues; whereupon, the
+debtor (to show that the days of chivalry are <em>not</em> gone)
+kicks his tailor into the gutter. Does the tailor take the offender
+before Mr. JARDINE? By no means. The tailor is a Christian; and
+learning the exact measure of his enemy, and returning good for
+evil, he, in three days&rsquo; time, sends to his assailant a new
+suit of the very best super Saxony.</p>
+<p>How many quacks we see rushing to the various newspaper offices
+to countermand their advertisements! What gaps in the columns of
+the newspapers themselves! Where is the sugary lie&mdash;the adroit
+slander&mdash;the scoundrel meanness, masking itself with the usage
+of patriotism? All, all are vanished, for&mdash;the <em>Morning
+Herald</em> is published upon Christian principles!</p>
+<p>Let us descend to the smallest matters of social life.
+&ldquo;Will this gingham wash?&rdquo; asks <em>Betty</em> the
+housemaid of <em>Twill</em> the linen-draper. <em>Twill</em> is a
+Christian; and therefore replies, &ldquo;it is a very poor article,
+and it will <em>not</em> wash!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>We are with Doctor Chalmers for Christianity&mdash;but not
+Christianity of <em>one side</em>. &ldquo;Pray for those who
+despitefully use you,&rdquo; say the Corn Law Apostles to the
+famishing; and then, cocking their eye at one another, and
+twitching their tongues in their mouths they add&mdash;&ldquo;for
+this is Christianity!&rdquo;</p>
+<p class="rgt">Q.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>ENCOURAGEMENT OF NATIVE TALENT.</h3>
+<p>Her Majesty has, it seems, presented the conductor of the
+<em>Gazette Musicale</em> with a gold medal and her portrait, as a
+reward for his constant efforts in the cause of music (<em>vide
+Morning Post</em>, Sept. 9). From this, it may be supposed,
+foreigners alone are deemed worthy of distinction; but our readers
+will be glad to learn, that Rundells have been honoured with an
+order for a silver whistle for PUNCH. His unceasing efforts in the
+causes of <em>humbug</em>, political, literary, and dramatic,
+having drawn forth this high mark of royal favour.</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page115" name="page115"></a>[pg
+115]</span>
+<h2>PUNCH&rsquo;S PENCILLINGS&mdash;NO. X.</h2>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/010-07.png"><img src=
+"images/010-07.png" alt=
+"A man holds a paper marked 'Her Majesty's Command to Dinner'" id=
+"img010-07" name="img010-07" width="100%" /></a>
+<p>THE DINER-OUT.</p>
+</div>
+<!-- [pg 116] -->
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page117" name="page117"></a>[pg
+117]</span>
+<h2>THE OMEN OUTWITTED:</h2>
+<h3>OR, HOW HIS REVERENCE&rsquo;S HEELS TOOK STEPS TO SAVE HIS
+HEAD.</h3>
+<p>&ldquo;So, Dick, I mean your &lsquo;reverence,&rsquo; you like
+the blessed old country as well as ever, eh, lad?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;As well, ay, almost better. My return to it is like the
+meeting of long-parted friends&mdash;the joy of the moment is pure
+and unalloyed&mdash;all minor faults are forgotten&mdash;all former
+goodness rushes with double force from the recollection to the
+heart, and the renewal of old fellowship grafts new virtues (the
+sweet fruits of regretted absence) upon him who has been the chosen
+tenant of our &lsquo;heart of hearts.&rsquo;&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;His reverence&rsquo;s health&mdash;three times three
+(empty them heeltaps, Jack, and fill out of the fresh
+jug)&mdash;now, boys, give tongue. That&rsquo;s the raal thing;
+them cheers would wake the seven sleepers after a dose of laudanum.
+Bless you, and long life to you! That&rsquo;s the worst wish
+you&rsquo;ll find here.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I know that right well, uncle. I know it, feel it, and
+most heartily thank you all.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Enough said, parson. By dad, Dick, its mighty droll to be
+calling you, that was but yesterday a small curly-pated gossoon, by
+that clerical mouthful of a handle to your name. But do you find us
+altered much?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;There is no change but Time&rsquo;s&mdash;that has fallen
+lightly. To be sure, yesterday I was looking for the heads of my
+strapping cousins at the bottom button of their well-filled
+waistcoats, and, before Jack&rsquo;s arrival, meant to do a
+paternal and patriarchal &lsquo;pat&rsquo; on his, at somewhere
+about that altitude; a ceremony he must excuse, as the little lad
+of my mind has thought proper to expand into a young Enniskillen of
+six feet three.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;He&rsquo;s a mighty fine boy&mdash;the lady-killing
+vagabone!&rdquo; said the father, with a kind look of gratified
+pride; and then added, as if to stop the infection of the vanity,
+&ldquo;and there&rsquo;s no denying he&rsquo;s big enough to be
+better.&rdquo; Here a slight scrimmage at the door of the
+dining-room attracted the attention of the
+&ldquo;masther.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;What&rsquo;s the meaning of that noise, ye
+vagabones?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Spake up, Mickey.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Is it me?&rdquo; &ldquo;It is.&rdquo; &ldquo;Not at all,
+by no means. Let Paddy do it, or Tim Carroll; they&rsquo;re used to
+going out wid the car, and don&rsquo;t mind spaking to the
+quality.&rdquo; &ldquo;Take yourselves out o&rsquo;that, or let me
+know what you want, and be pretty quick about it, too.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>The result of this order was the appearance of Tim Carroll in
+the centre of the room&mdash;a dig between the shoulders, and
+vigorously-applied kick behind, hastening him into that somewhat
+uneasy situation, with a degree of expedition perfectly
+marvellous.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Spake out, what is it?&rdquo; &ldquo;Ahem!&rdquo;
+commenced Tim; &ldquo;you see, sir (<em>aside</em>), I&rsquo;ll be
+even wid you for that kick, you thief of the world&mdash;you see,
+Paddy (bad manners to him) and the rest o&rsquo; the boys, was
+thinking that, owing to the change o&rsquo; climate, Master
+Richard&mdash;that is, his new riverence&mdash;has gone through by
+rason of laving England and comin&rsquo; here&mdash;and mighty
+could, no doubt, he was on the journey&mdash;be praised he&rsquo;s
+safe&mdash;the boy, sir, was thinkin&rsquo;, masther dear, it was
+nothing but their duty, and what was due to the family, to ax your
+honour&rsquo;s opinion about their takin&rsquo; the smallest taste
+of whiskey in life, jist to be drinking his riverence&rsquo;s
+Masther Richard&rsquo;s health, and&rdquo;&mdash;&ldquo;Success to
+him!&rdquo; shouted the chorus at the door. &ldquo;That&rsquo;s
+it!&rdquo; said the masther. &ldquo;And nothing but it!&rdquo;
+responded the chorus. &ldquo;Nelly, my jewel! take the kays and
+give them anything in dacency!&rdquo; &ldquo;Hurrah! smiling good
+luck to you, for ever and afther!&rdquo; &ldquo;That&rsquo;ll do,
+boys! but stay: it&rsquo;s Terence Conway&rsquo;s wedding
+night&mdash;it&rsquo;s a good tenant he&rsquo;s been to
+me&mdash;take the sup down there, and you&rsquo;ll get a dance; now
+be off, you devils!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Many thanks to your honour!&rdquo; chorused the delighted
+group; and &ldquo;I done that iligant, anyhow,&rdquo; muttered the
+gratified, successful, and, therefore, forgiving orator.
+&ldquo;I&rsquo;ll try again. Ahem! wouldn&rsquo;t the young
+gentlemen just step down for a taste?&rdquo; &ldquo;By all
+manes!&rdquo; was chimed at once; their hats were mounted in a
+moment, and off they set.</p>
+<p>Terence Conway&rsquo;s farm was soon reached; the barn affording
+the most accommodation for the numerous visitors, was fitted up for
+the occasion. It was nearly full, as Terence was a popular
+man&mdash;one that didn&rsquo;t grudge the &ldquo;bit and
+sup,&rdquo; and never turned his back upon friend or foe. Loud and
+hearty were the cheers of the delighted tenantry, as the three sons
+of their beloved landlord passed the threshold. The appearance of
+the &ldquo;stranger&rdquo; was received with no such demonstrations
+of welcome; on the contrary, there was a sullen silence, soon after
+broken by suppressed and angry murmurs. These were somewhat
+appeased by one of the sons introducing his &ldquo;cousin,&rdquo;
+and endeavouring to joke the peasants into good-humour, by
+laughingly assuring them his &ldquo;reverence&rdquo; was but a bad
+drinker, and would not deprive them of much of the poteen; then
+passing his arm through the parson&rsquo;s, he led the way, as it
+afterwards turned out, rather unfortunately, to the top of the
+barn, and there, followed by his brothers, they took their
+seats.</p>
+<p>The entrance of the Catholic priest (a most amiable man) at this
+moment attracted the entire attention of the party, during which
+time Tim Carroll elbowed his way to the place where his master was
+seated, and calling him partially aside, whispered, &ldquo;Master
+John, dear, tell his riverence, Master Richard, to go.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;What for?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Sure, is not he entirely in black?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Well, what of it?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;What of it? Houly Paul! the likes o&rsquo; that! If my
+skin was as hard as a miser&rsquo;s heart, I wouldn&rsquo;t put it
+into a black coat, and come to a wedding in it; it&rsquo;s the
+devil&rsquo;s own bad omen, and nothing else!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;You are right! What a fool I was not to tell Dick!
+Cousin, a word!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Here the clamour became somewhat louder, the priest taking an
+active part, and speaking rapidly and earnestly in their native
+tongue to the evidently excited peasantry. He suddenly broke from
+them, and hastening to the Protestant clergyman, grasped his hand,
+and, shaking it heartily, wished him &ldquo;health, long life, and
+happiness:&rdquo; and lifting a tumbler of punch to his lips, drank
+off nearly half its contents, exclaiming the customary, &ldquo;God
+save all here!&rdquo; He then presented the liquor to the stranger,
+saying in a low earnest voice, &ldquo;Drink that toast,
+sir!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>This order was instantly complied with. The clear tones of the
+young man&rsquo;s unfaltering voice and the hearty cordiality of
+his utterance had a singular effect upon the more turbulent; the
+priest passed rapidly from the one to the other, and endeavoured to
+say something pleasant to all, but, despite his attempts at
+calmness, he was evidently ill at ease.</p>
+<p>Tim Carroll again sidled up to his young master.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;The boys mane harrum, sir,&rdquo; said Tim; &ldquo;but
+never mind, there&rsquo;s five of us here. We&rsquo;ve not been
+idle, we&rsquo;ve all been taking pick o&rsquo; the sticks, and
+divil a stroke falls upon one of the ould ancient family widout
+showing a bruck head or a flat back for it.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;What am I to understand by this?&rdquo; inquired the
+young stranger.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;That you&rsquo;re like Tom Fergusson when he rode the
+losing horse&mdash;you&rsquo;ve mounted the wrong colour; and, be
+dad, you are pretty well marked down for it, sir; but never mind,
+there&rsquo;s Tim Carroll looking as black as the inside of a
+sut-bag. Let him come on! he peeled the skin off them shins
+o&rsquo; mine at futball; maybe, I won&rsquo;t trim his head with
+black thorn for that same, if he&rsquo;s any ways obstropolis this
+blessed night.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Silence, sir! neither my inclination nor sacred calling
+will allow me to countenance a broil! I have been the first
+offender&mdash;to attempt to leave the room now would but provoke
+an attack; leave this affair to me, and don&rsquo;t
+interfere.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;By the powers! if man or mortal lifts his hand to injure
+you, I&rsquo;ll smash the soul out of him! Do you think, omen or no
+omen, I&rsquo;ll stand by and see you harmed?&mdash;not a bit of
+it! If you are a parson and a child of peace, I have the honour to
+be a soldier, and claim my right to battle in your
+cause.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Maugre the pacific tone of the unfortunately-accoutered
+ecclesiastic, there was something of defiance in his flashing eye
+and crimson cheek, as he turned his brightening glance upon what
+might almost be called the host of his foes; and the nervous
+pressure which returned the grasp of his cousin&rsquo;s sinewy
+hand, spoke something more of readiness for battle than could have
+been gathered from his expressed wishes.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;If, Jack, it comes to that, why, as human nature is
+weak&mdash;excuse what I may feel compelled to do; but for the
+present pray oblige me by keeping your seat and the peace; or, if
+you must move and fidget about, go and make that pugnacious Tim
+Carroll as decent as you can.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I&rsquo;ll be advised by you, Dick; but look out!&rdquo;
+So saying, the stalwart young officer bustled his way to the
+uproarious Tim.</p>
+<p>It was well he did so, or bloodshed must have ensued, as at that
+moment a tall and powerful man, brother-in-law to the bride, lifted
+his stick, and after giving it the customary twirl aimed a
+point-blank blow at the head of the ill-omened parson. The bound of
+an antelope brought the girl to the spot; her small hand averted
+the direction of the deadly weapon, and before the action had been
+perceived by any present, or the attempt could be resumed, she
+dropped a curtesy to the assailant, and in a loud voice, with an
+affected laugh, exclaimed&mdash;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;You, if you plaise, sir;&rdquo; and, turning quickly to
+the fiddler, continued: &ldquo;Any tune you like, Mr. Murphy, sir;
+but, good luck to you, be quick, or we won&rsquo;t have a dance
+to-night!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Clear the floor!&mdash;a dance! a dance!&rdquo; shouted
+every one.</p>
+<p>In a few seconds the angry scowl had passed from the flushed
+cheeks of Dan Sheeny, and there he was, toe and heeling, double
+shuffling, and cutting it over the buckle, to the admiration of all
+beholders. The bride was seated near the stranger&mdash;he
+perceived this, and suddenly quitting his place, danced up to her,
+and nodding, as he stopped for a moment, invited her to join him.
+She was ever light of foot, and, as she said afterwards,
+&ldquo;would have danced her life out but she&rsquo;d give the poor
+young gentleman a chance.&rdquo; Long and vigorously did Dan Sheeny
+advance, retire, curvette, and caper. The whiskey and exertion at
+length overcame him, and he left the lady sole mistress of the
+floor. By this time murmurs had again arisen, and all eyes were
+turned upon the intruder, who had been intently engaged observing
+the dancers. It was an accomplishment for which he had been
+celebrated previous to his taking orders, and the old feeling so
+strongly interested him, that he was absorbed in the pleasure of
+witnessing the activity and joyousness of the performers. He turned
+his head for an instant&mdash;a heavy hand was laid upon his
+shoulder. On his starting up, he saw nothing but the smiling Norah
+pressing the arm of a tall peasant, and curtseying him a challenge
+to join her &ldquo;on the floor.&rdquo; He paused for a moment,
+then gaily taking her hand, advanced with her to the centre. All
+eyes were bent upon them, but there was no restraint in the young
+parson&rsquo;s manner. The most popular jig-tune was called
+for&mdash;to it they went; his early-taught and well-practised feet
+beat living echoes to the most rapid bars. A foot of ground seemed
+ample space for all the intricate compilation of the <em>raal</em>
+Conamera &ldquo;capers.&rdquo; The tune was changed again and
+again; again and again was his infinity of steps adapted to its
+varying sounds: to use a popular phrase, you might have heard a pin
+drop. Every mouth was closed, every eye fixed upon his rapid feet;
+and, when at length wearied with exertion, the almost fainting girl
+was falling to the earth, her gallant partner caught her in his
+arms, and, like an infant, bore her to the open air, one loud and
+general cheer burst from their unclosed lips; a few moments
+restored the pretty lass to perfect health. Her first words were,
+&ldquo;Leave me, sir, and save yourself.&rdquo; It was too late;
+borne on the shoulders of the admiring mob, who, despite his suit
+of sables (now rendered innoxious by the varying colour of the
+crimson kerchief the young bride bound round his neck), he was soon
+seated in the chair of honour, and there, surrounded by his
+friends, finished the night the &ldquo;lion of the dance.&rdquo;
+And thus it was that his &ldquo;Reverence&rsquo;s heels took steps
+to preserve his head.&rdquo;&mdash;FUSBOS</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page118" name="page118"></a>[pg
+118]</span>
+<h2>TRANSACTIONS AND YEARLY REPORT. OF THE HOOKHAM-CUM-SNIVEY
+LITERARY, SCIENTIFIC, AND MECHANICS&rsquo; INSTITUTION.</h2>
+<p class="cen">(<em>Continued from our last.</em>)</p>
+<p>An important and advantageous arrangement in the transactions of
+the society, since its foundation, has been the institution of the
+classes &ldquo;for the acquisition of a general smattering of
+everything,&rdquo; more especially as concerning the younger
+branches of society. It is, however, much to be regretted, that the
+public examination of the juvenile members, upon the subjects they
+had listened to during the past course, did not turn out so well as
+the committee could have wished. The various professors had taken
+incredible pains to teach the infant philosophers correct answers
+to the separate questions that would be asked them, in order that
+they might reply with becoming readiness. Unfortunately the
+examiner began at the wrong end of the class, and threw them all
+out, except the middle one. We sub-join a few of the
+questions:&mdash;</p>
+<p>State the distance, in miles, from the Hanwell Lunatic Asylum to
+the Tuesday in Easter week, and show how long a man would be going
+from one to the other, if he travelled at the rate of four gallons
+a minute.</p>
+<p>Required to know the advantages of giving tracts to poor people
+who cannot read, and how many are equivalent to a sliding-scale
+penny buster, in the way of nourishment.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Was Lord John Russell in his Windsor uniform, ever
+mistaken for a two-penny postman; if so, what great man imagined
+the affinity?</p>
+<div class="figleft"><a href="images/010-08.png"><img src=
+"images/010-08.png" alt=
+"A smoking, drinking sailor sits atop a telescope marked 'BACCA'."
+id="img010-08" name="img010-08" width="100%" /></a></div>
+<p>The School of Design and Drawing has made very creditable
+progress, and the subscribers will be gratified in learning, that
+one of the pupils sent in a design for the Nelson Testamonial,
+which would in all probability have been accepted, had not the
+decision been made in the usual preconcerted underhand manner.
+Following the columnar idea of Mr. Railton, our talented pupil had
+put forth a peculiarly appropriate idea: the shaft would have been
+formed by a sea-telescope of gigantic proportions, pulled out to
+its utmost extent. On the summit of this Nelson would have been
+seated, as on the maintop, smoking his pipe, from which real smoke
+would have issued. This would have been produced by a stove at the
+bottom of the column, whose object was to furnish a steady supply
+of baked potatoes, uninfluenced by the fluctuations of the market,
+to the cabmen of Trafalgar-square, and the street-sweepers at
+Charing-cross. The artist who designed the elegant structure at
+King&rsquo;s-cross, which partakes so comprehensively of the
+attributes of a pump, a watch-house, a lamp-post, and a turnpike,
+would have superintended its erection, and a carved figure-head
+might have been purchased, for a mere song, to crown the elevation.
+It would not have much mattered whether the image was intended for
+Nelson or not, because, from its extreme elevation, no one, without
+a spy-glass, could have told one character from
+another&mdash;Thiers from Lord John Russell, George Steevens from
+Shakspere, Muntz from the Duke of Brunswick, or anybody else.</p>
+<h4>THE MUSEUM.</h4>
+<p>The museum of the institution has been gradually increasing in
+valuable additions, and donations are respectfully requested from
+families having any dust-collecting articles about their houses
+which they are anxious to get rid of.</p>
+<p>The first curiosities presented were, of course, those which
+have formed the nucleus of every museum that was ever established,
+and consisted of &ldquo;South Sea Islander&rsquo;s paddles and
+spears, North American mocassins and tomahawks, and Sandwich (not
+in Kent, but in the Pacific Ocean) canoes and fishing-tackle. In
+addition, we have received the following, which the society beg to
+acknowledge:&mdash;</p>
+<p>The jaw-bone of an animal, supposed to be a cow, found two feet
+below the surface, in digging for the Great Western Railway, near
+Slough.</p>
+<p>Farthing, penny, and sixpence, of the reign of George the
+Fourth.</p>
+<p>Piece of wood from the red-funnel steam-boat sunk off the Isle
+of Dogs, in August, 1841, which had been under water nearly six
+days.</p>
+<p>A variety of articles manufactured from the above, sufficient to
+build a boat twelve times the size, may be purchased of the
+librarian.</p>
+<p>A floor-tile, in excellent preservation, from the old
+Hookham-cum-Snivey workhouse kitchen, before the new union was
+built.</p>
+<p>Specimens of pebbles collected from the gravel-pits at Highgate,
+and a valuable series of oyster-shells, discovered the day after
+Bartholomew-fair, near the corner of Cock-lane.</p>
+<p>A small lizard, caught in the Regent&rsquo;s-park, preserved in
+gin-and-water, in a soda-water bottle, and denominated by the
+librarian &ldquo;a heffut.&rdquo;</p>
+<h4>LIBRARY.</h4>
+<p>Advertisement half of a <em>Times</em> newspaper for March,
+1838.</p>
+<p>Playbill of the English Opera during Balfe&rsquo;s management,
+supposed to be that of the memorable night when 16<em>l.</em>
+4<em>s.</em> was taken, in hard cash, at the doors.</p>
+<p>View of the Execution of the late Mr. Greenacre in front of
+Newgate, published by Catnach, from a drawing by an unknown artist.
+(<em>Very rare!</em>)</p>
+<p>MS. pantomime, refused at the Haymarket, entitled
+&ldquo;Harlequin and the Hungarian Daughter; or, All My Eye and
+Betty Martinuzzi,&rdquo; with the whole of the songs, choruses, and
+incidental combats and situations. Presented by the author, in
+company with a receipt for red and green fire.</p>
+<p>Bound copy of Sermons preached at Hookham-cum-Snivey Church, by
+the Reverend Peter Twaddle, on the occasions, of building a
+dusthole for the national schools; of outfitting the missionaries
+who are exported annually to be eaten by the Catawampous Indians;
+on the death of Mr. Grubly, the retired cheesemonger, who endowed
+the weathercock; and in aid of the funds of the
+&ldquo;newly-born-baby-clothes-bag-and-basket-institution:&rdquo;
+printed at the desire of his, &ldquo;he fears, in this instance,
+too partial&rdquo; parishioners, and presented by himself.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>OUR FOREIGN RELATIONS.</h3>
+<p>The treaty of the four powers, to which Chelsea, Battersea,
+Brompton, and Wandsworth are parties, and from which Pimlico has
+hitherto obstinately stood aloof, has at length been ratified by
+the re-entry of that impetuous suburb into the general views of
+Middlesex. We have now a right to call upon Pimlico to disarm, and
+to cut off its extra watchman with a promptitude that shall show
+the sincerity with which it has joined the neighbouring powers in
+the celebrated treaty of Kensington. It is already known that, by
+this document, Moses Hayley is recognised as hereditary beadle, and
+Abraham Parker is placed in undisturbed possession of the post of
+waterman on the coach-stand in the outskirts. We are not among
+those who expect to find a spirit of propagandism prevailing in the
+policy of the powers of Pimlico. The lamplighter who lights the
+district is a man of sound discernment, and there is everything to
+hope from the moderation he has always exhibited.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>SIBTHORP ON THE CORN LAW.</h3>
+<p>Sibthorp came out in full fig at Sir Robert Peel&rsquo;s dinner.
+While he was having his hair curled, and the irons were heating, he
+asked the two-penny operator what was his opinion of the corn-law
+question. The barber&rsquo;s answer suggested the following
+con.:&mdash;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Why am I like a man eating a particular sort of fancy
+bread?&rdquo;&mdash;&ldquo;Because,&rdquo; answered the tonsor,
+&ldquo;you are having</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/010-09.png"><img src=
+"images/010-09.png" alt="A man gets his hair styled." id=
+"img010-09" name="img010-09" width="30%" /></a>
+<p>A TWOPENNY TWIST&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+<p>This reply made the Colonel&rsquo;s hair stand on end, taking it
+quite out of curl.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>FISH SAUCE.</h3>
+<p>The boy Jones, in one of his visits to the Palace, to avoid
+detection, secreted himself up the kitchen chimney. The intense
+heat necessary for the preparation of a large dish of white-bait
+for her Majesty&rsquo;s dinner compelled him to relax his hold, and
+in an instant he was precipitated among the Blackwall delicacies.
+The indignant cook immediately demanded &ldquo;his business
+there.&rdquo; &ldquo;Don&rsquo;t you see,&rdquo; observed the
+younker, &ldquo;I&rsquo;m</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/010-10.png"><img src=
+"images/010-10.png" alt="A boy tumbles into a large frying pan."
+id="img010-10" name="img010-10" width="50%" /></a>
+<p>ONE OF THE FRY?&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page119" name="page119"></a>[pg
+119]</span>
+<h2>PUNCH&rsquo;S INFORMATION FOR THE PEOPLE.</h2>
+<h3>NO. 4.</h3>
+<h4>NATURAL HISTORY.</h4>
+<p><em>Definition.</em>&mdash;The history of
+&ldquo;naturals&rdquo;&mdash;which chiefly include the human
+species&mdash;and of &ldquo;simples&rdquo; (herbs), occupies the
+branch of science we are about to enlighten our readers upon. It
+treats, in fact, of animated nature; while physical
+history&mdash;instead of being the history of Apothecaries&rsquo;
+Hall, as many suppose&mdash;deals exclusively with inanimate
+matter.</p>
+<p><em>Of genus, species, and orders.</em>&mdash;If, in the
+vegetable world, we commence with the buttercup, and trace all the
+various kinds and sizes of plants that exist, up to the pine
+(Norwegian), and down again to the hautboy (Cormack&rsquo;s
+Princesses); if, among the lower animals, we begin with a gnat and
+go up to an elephant, or select from the human species a Lord John
+Russell, and place him beside a professor Whewell, we shall see
+that nature provides an endless variety of all sorts of everything.
+Now, to render a knowledge of everything in natural history as
+difficult of acquirement as possible to everybody, the scientific
+world divides nature into the above-mentioned classes, to which
+Latin names are given. For instance, it would be vulgarly
+ridiculous to call a &ldquo;cat&rdquo; by its right name; and when
+one says &ldquo;cat,&rdquo; a dogmatic naturalist is justified in
+thinking one means a lion or tiger, both these belonging to the
+<em>cat</em>egory of &ldquo;cats;&rdquo; hence, a &ldquo;cat&rdquo;
+is denominated, for shortness, <em>felis &AElig;gyptiacus;</em> an
+ass is turned into a horse, by being an <em>equus</em>; a woman
+into a man, for with him she is equally <em>homo</em>.</p>
+<p>Of this last species it is our purpose exclusively to treat. The
+variety of it we commence with is,</p>
+<h4>THE BARBER (<em>homo
+emollientissimus</em>.&mdash;TRUEFIT).</h4>
+<p><em>Physical structure and peculiarities</em>.&mdash;The most
+singular peculiarity of the barber is, that although, in his
+avocations, he always is what is termed a &ldquo;strapper,&rdquo;
+yet his stature is usually short. His tongue, however, makes up for
+this deficiency, being remarkably long,&mdash;a beautiful provision
+of nature; for while he is seldom called upon to use his legs with
+rapidity, his lingual organ is always obliged to be on the
+&ldquo;run.&rdquo; His eyes are keen, and his wits sharp; his mouth
+is tinged with humour, and his hair&mdash;particularly when
+threatening to be gray&mdash;with <em>poudre unique</em>. Manner,
+prepossessing; crop, close; fingers, dirty; toes, turned out. He
+seldom indulges in whiskers, for his business is to shave.</p>
+<p>1. <em>Habits, reproduction, and food.</em>&mdash;A singular
+uniformity of <em>habits</em> is observable amongst barbers. They
+all live in shops curiously adorned with play-bills and
+pomatum-pots, and use the same formulary of conversation to every
+new customer. All are politicians on both sides of every subject;
+and if there happen to be three sides to a question, they take a
+triangular view of it.</p>
+<p>2. <em>Reproduction.</em>&mdash;Some men are born barbers,
+others have barberism thrust upon them. The first class are brought
+forth in but small numbers, for shavers seldom pair. The second
+take to the razor from disappointment in trade or in love. This is
+evident, from the habits of the animal when alone, at which period,
+if observed, a deep, mysterious, melo-dramatic gloom will be seen
+to overspread his countenance. He is essentially a social being;
+company is as necessary to his existence as beards.</p>
+<p>3. <em>Food.</em>&mdash;Upon this subject the most minute
+researches of the most prying naturalists have not been able to
+procure a crumb of information. That the barber does eat can only
+be inferred; it cannot be proved, for no person was ever known to
+catch him in the act; if he does masticate, he munches in silence
+and in secret<sup>1</sup><span class="sidenote">1. Not so of
+drinking. Only last week we saw, with our own eyes, a pot of ale in
+a barber&rsquo;s shop; and very good ale it was, too, for we tasted
+it.</span>.</p>
+<p><em>Geographical distribution of barbers.</em>&mdash;Although
+the majority of barbers live near the <em>pole</em>, they are
+pretty diffusely disseminated over the entire face of the globe.
+The advance of civilization has, however, much lessened their
+numbers; for we find, wherever valets are kept, barbers are not;
+and as the magnet turns towards the north, they are attracted to
+the east. In St. James&rsquo;s, the shaver&rsquo;s
+&ldquo;occupation&rsquo;s gone;&rdquo; but throughout the whole of
+Wapping, the distance is very short</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/010-11.png"><img src=
+"images/010-11.png" alt=
+"A man is hit on the head by a barber pole." id="img010-11" name=
+"img010-11" width="50%" /></a>
+<p>&ldquo;FROM POLE TO POLE.&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+<hr class="full" />
+<h2>A LECTURE ON MORALITY.&mdash;BY PUNCH.</h2>
+<p>Moral philosophers are the greatest fools in the world. I am a
+moral philosopher; I am no fool though. Who contradicts me? If any,
+speak, and come within reach of my cudgel. I am a moral philosopher
+of a new school. The schoolmaster is abroad, and I am the
+schoolmaster; but if anybody says that <em>I</em> am abroad, I will
+knock him down. I am <em>at home</em>. And now, good people, attend
+to me, and you will hear something worth learning.</p>
+<p>The reason why I call all moral philosophers fools is, because
+they have not gone properly to work. Each has given his own
+peculiar notions, merely, to the world. Now, different people have
+different opinions: some like apples, and others prefer another
+sort of fruit, with which, no doubt, many of you are familiar.
+&ldquo;Who shall decide when doctors disagree?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>My system of morality is the result of induction. I am very fond
+of Bacon&mdash;I mean, the Bacon recommended to you by the
+&ldquo;Society for the Diffusion of Useful
+Knowledge&rdquo;&mdash;<em>Lord</em> Bacon. I therefore study the
+actions of mankind, and draw my inferences accordingly. The people
+whose conduct I attend to are those who get on best in the world;
+for the object of all morality is to make ourselves happy, and as
+long as we are so, what, my good friends, does it signify?</p>
+<p>The first thing that you must do in the study of morals is, to
+get rid of all prejudices. Bacon and I quite agree upon this point.
+By prejudices I mean your previous notions concerning right and
+wrong.</p>
+<p>Dr. Johnson calls morality &ldquo;the doctrine of the duties of
+life.&rdquo; In this definition I agree. The doctor was a clever
+man. I very much admire the knock-down arguments that he was so
+fond of; it is the way in which I usually reason myself. Now the
+duties of life are two-fold&mdash;our duty to others and our duty
+to ourselves. Our duty to ourselves is to make ourselves as
+comfortable as possible; our duty to others, is to make them assist
+us to the best of their ability in so doing. This is the plan on
+which all respectable persons act, and it is one which I have
+always followed myself. What are the consequences? See how popular
+I am; and, what is more, observe how fat I have got! Here is a
+corporation for you! Here is a leg! What think you of such a cap as
+this? and of this embroidered coat? Who says that I am not a fine
+fellow, and that my system is not almost as fine? Let him argue the
+point with me, if he dare!</p>
+<p>Happiness consists in pursuing our inclinations without
+disturbance, and without getting into trouble. Make it, then, your
+first rule of conduct always to do exactly as you please; that is,
+if you can. I am not like other moralists, who talk in one way and
+act in another. What I advise you to do, is nothing more than what
+I practise myself, as you have very often observed, I dare say.</p>
+<p>Be careful to show, invariably, a proper respect for the laws;
+that is to say, when you do anything illegal, take all the
+precautions that you can against being found out. Here, perhaps, my
+example is somewhat at variance with my doctrine; but I am
+stronger, you know, than the executive, and therefore, instead of
+my respecting it, it ought to respect me.</p>
+<p>Be sure to keep a quiet conscience. In order that you may secure
+this greatest of blessings, never allow yourselves to regret any
+part of your past behaviour; and whenever you feel tempted to do
+so, take the readiest means that you can think of to banish
+reflection, or, as Lord Byron very properly terms it&mdash;</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>&ldquo;The blight of life, the demon Thought!&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p>You have observed that, after having knocked anybody on the
+head, I generally begin to dance and sing. This I do, not because I
+am troubled with any such weakness as remorse, but in order to
+instruct you. I do not mean to say that you are to conduct
+yourselves precisely in the same manner under similar
+circumstances; a pipe, or a pot, or a pinch of snuff&mdash;in
+short, any means of diversion&mdash;will answer your purpose
+equally well.</p>
+<p>Adhere strictly to truth&mdash;whenever there is no occasion for
+lying. Be particularly careful to conceal no one circumstance
+likely to redound to your credit. But when two principles clash,
+the weaker, my good people, must, as the saying is, go to the wall.
+If, therefore, it be to your interest to lie, do so, and do it
+boldly. No one would wear false hair who had hair of his own; but
+he who has none, must, of course, wear a wig. I do not see any
+difference between false hair and false assertions; and I think a
+lie a very useful invention. It is like a coat or a pair of
+breeches, it serves to clothe the naked. But do not throw your
+falsifications away: I like a proper economy. Some silly persons
+would have you invariably speak the truth. My friends, if you were
+to act in this way, in what department of commerce could you
+succeed? How could you get on in the law? what vagabond would ever
+employ you to defend his cause? What practice do you think you
+would be likely to procure as a physician, if you were to tell
+every old woman who fancied herself ill, that there was nothing the
+matter with her, or to prescribe abstinence to an alderman, as a
+cure for indigestion? What would be your prospect in the church,
+where, not to mention a few other little trifles, you would have,
+when you came to be made a bishop, to say that you did not wish to
+be any such thing? No, my friends, truth is all very well when the
+telling of it is convenient; but when it is not, give me a bouncing
+lie. But that one lie, object the advocates of uniform veracity,
+will require twenty more to make it good: very well, then, tell
+them. Ever have a due regard to the sanctity of oaths; this you
+will evince by never using them to support a fiction, except on
+high and solemn occasions, such as when you are about to be
+invested with some public dignity. But avoid any approach to a
+superstitious veneration for them: it is to keep those thin-skinned
+and impracticable individuals who are infected by this failing from
+the management of public affairs, that they have been, in great
+measure, devised.</p>
+<p>Never break a promise, unless bound to do so by a previous one;
+and promise yourselves from this time forth never to do anything
+that will put you to inconvenience.</p>
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page120" name="page120"></a>[pg
+120]</span>
+<p>Never take what does not belong to you. For, as a young pupil
+who formerly attended these lectures pathetically expressed
+himself, he furnishing, at the time, in his own person, an
+illustration of the maxim&mdash;</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>&ldquo;Him as prigs wot isn&rsquo;t his&rsquo;n,</p>
+<p>Ven &rsquo;a&rsquo;s cotch must go to pris&rsquo;n!&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p>But what is it that does <em>not</em> belong to you? I answer,
+whatever you cannot take with impunity. Never fail, however, to
+appropriate that which the law does not protect. This is a duty
+which you owe to yourselves. And in order that you may thoroughly
+carry out this principle, procure, if you can, a legal education;
+because there are a great many flaws in titles, agreements, and the
+like, the knowledge of which will often enable you to lay hands
+upon various kinds of property to which at first sight you might
+appear to have no claim. Should you ever be so circumstanced as to
+be beyond the control of the law, you will, of course, be able to
+take whatever you want; because there will be nothing then that
+will <em>not</em> belong to you. This, my friends, is a grand moral
+principle; and, as illustrative of it, we have an example (as
+schoolboys say in their themes) in Alexander the Great; and
+besides, in all other conquerors that have ever lived, from Nimrod
+down to Napoleon inclusive.</p>
+<p>Speak evil of no one behind his back, unless you are likely to
+get anything by so doing. On the contrary, have a good word to say,
+if you can, of everybody, provided that the person who is praised
+by you is likely to be informed of the circumstance. And, the more
+to display the generosity of your disposition, never hesitate, on
+convenient occasions, to bestow the highest eulogies on those who
+do not deserve them.</p>
+<p>Be abstemious&mdash;in eating and drinking at your own expense;
+but when you feed at another person&rsquo;s, consume as much as you
+can possibly digest.</p>
+<p>Let your behaviour be always distinguished by modesty. Never
+boast or brag, when you are likely to be disbelieved; and do not
+contradict your superiors&mdash;that is to say, when you are in the
+presence of people who are richer than yourselves, never express an
+opinion of your own.</p>
+<p>Live peaceably with all mankind, if you can; but, as you cannot,
+endeavor, as the next best thing, to settle all disputes as
+speedily as possible, by coming, without loss of time, to blows;
+provided always that the debate promises to be terminated, by
+reason of your superior strength, in your own favour, and that you
+are not likely to be taken up for knocking another person down. It
+is very true that I, individually, <em>never</em> shun this kind of
+discussion, whatever may be the strength and pretensions of my
+opponent; but then, I enjoy a consciousness of superiority over the
+whole world, which you, perhaps, may not feel, and which might, in
+some cases, mislead you. I think, however, that a supreme contempt
+for all but yourselves is a very proper sentiment to entertain;
+and, from what I observe of the conduct of certain teachers, I
+imagine that this is what is meant by the word humility. You must,
+nevertheless, be careful how you display it; do so only when you
+see a probability of overawing and frightening those around you, so
+as to make them contributors to the great aim of your
+existence&mdash;self-gratification.</p>
+<p>Be firm, but not obstinate. Never change your mind when the
+result of the alteration would be detrimental to your comfort and
+interest; but do not maintain an inconvenient inflexibility of
+purpose. Do not, for instance, in affairs of the heart, simply
+because you have declared, perhaps with an oath or two, that you
+will be constant till death, think it necessary to make any effort
+to remain so. The case stands thus: you enter into an agreement
+with a being whose aggregate of perfections is expressible, we will
+say, by 20. Now, if they would always keep at that point, there
+might be some reason for your remaining unaltered, namely, your not
+being able to help it. But suppose that they dwindle down to
+19-1/2, the person, that is, the whole sum of the qualities
+admired, no longer exists, and you, of course, are absolved from
+your engagement. But mind, I do not say that you are justified in
+changing <em>only</em> in case of a change on the opposite side:
+you may very possibly become simply tired. In this case, your prior
+promise to yourself will absolve you from the performance of the
+one in question.</p>
+<p>And now, my good friends, before we part, let me beg of you not
+to allow yourselves to be diverted from the right path by a parcel
+of cant. You will hear my system stigmatised as selfish; and I
+advise you, whenever you have occasion to speak of it in general
+society, to call it so too. You will thus obtain a character for
+generosity; a very desirable thing to have, if you can get it
+cheap. Selfish, indeed! is not self the axis of the earth out of
+which you were taken? The fact is, good people, that just as
+notions the very opposite of truth have prevailed in matters of
+science, so have they, likewise, in those of morals. A set of
+impracticable doctrines, under the name of virtue, have been
+preached up by your teachers; and it is only fortunate that they
+have been practised by so few; those few having been, almost to a
+man, poisoned, strangled, burnt, or worse treated, for their
+pains.</p>
+<p>But here comes the police, to interfere, as usual, with the
+dissemination of useful truths. Farewell, my good people; and
+whenever you are disposed for additional instruction, I can only
+say that I shall be very happy to afford it to you for a reasonable
+consideration.</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<h2>A BOWER OF BLISS IN STANGATE.</h2>
+<p class="note">Oh, fly to the Bower&mdash;fly with me.&mdash;OLD
+OR NEW SONG (<em>I forget which</em>).</p>
+<p>If you take a walk over Waterloo-bridge, and, after going
+straight on for some distance, turn to the right, you will find
+yourself in the New-Cut, where you may purchase everything, from a
+secretaire-bookcase to a saveloy, on the most moderate terms
+possible. The tradesmen of the New-Cut are a peculiar class, and
+the butchers, in particular, seem to be brimming over with the milk
+of human kindness, for every female customer is addressed as
+&ldquo;My love,&rdquo; while every male passer-by is saluted with
+the friendly greeting of &ldquo;Now, old chap, what can I do for
+you?&rdquo; The greengrocers in this &ldquo;happy land&rdquo;
+earnestly invite the ladies to &ldquo;pull away&rdquo; at the
+mountains of cabbages which their sheds display, while little boys
+on the pavement offer what they playfully designate &ldquo;a plummy
+ha&rsquo;p&rsquo;orth,&rdquo; of onions to the casual
+passenger.</p>
+<p>At the end of the New-Cut stands the Marsh-gate, which, at
+night, is all gas and ghastliness, dirt and dazzle, blackguardism
+and brilliancy. The illumination of the adjacent gin-palace throws
+a glare on the haggard faces of those who are sauntering outside.
+Having arrived thus far, watch your opportunity, by dodging the
+cabs and threading the maze of omnibuses, to effect a crossing,
+when you will find Stangate-street, <em>running out</em>, as some
+people say, of the Westminster-road; though of the fact that a
+street ever ran out of a road, we take leave to be sceptical.</p>
+<p>Well, go on down this Stangate-street, and when you get to the
+bottom, you will find, on the left-hand, THE BOWER! And a pretty
+bower it is, not of leaves and flowers, but of bricks and mortar.
+It is not</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>&ldquo;A bower of roses by Bendermere&rsquo;s stream,</p>
+<p class="i2">With the nightingale singing there all the day
+long;</p>
+<p>In the days of my childhood &rsquo;twas like a sweet dream,</p>
+<p class="i2">To sit &rsquo;mid the roses and hear the birds&rsquo;
+song.</p>
+<p>That bower, and its music, I never forget:</p>
+<p class="i2">But oft, when alone, at the close of the year,</p>
+<p>I think is the nightingale singing there yet,</p>
+<p class="i2">Are the roses still fresh by the calm
+Bendermere?&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p>No, there is none of this sentimental twaddle about the Bower to
+which we are alluding. There are no roses, and no nightingale; but
+there are lots of smoking, and plenty of vocalists. We will
+paraphrase Moore, since we can hardly do less, and we may say, with
+truth,</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>&ldquo;There&rsquo;s a Bower in Stangate&rsquo;s respectable
+street,</p>
+<p class="i2">There&rsquo;s a company acting there all the night
+long;</p>
+<p>In the days of my childhood, egad&mdash;what a treat!</p>
+<p class="i2">To listen attentive to some thundering song.</p>
+<p>That Bower and its concert I never forget;</p>
+<p class="i2">But oft when of halfpence my pockets are clear,</p>
+<p>I think, are the audience sitting there yet,</p>
+<p class="i2">Still smoking their pipes, and imbibing their
+beer?&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<p>Upon entering the door, you are called on to pay your money,
+which is threepence for the saloon and sixpence for the boxes. The
+saloon is a large space fitted up something like a chapel, or
+rather a court of justice; there being in front of each seat a
+species of desk or ledge, which, in the places last named would
+hold prayer-books or papers, but at the Bower are designed for
+tumblers and pewter-pots. The audience, like the spirits they
+imbibe, are very much mixed; the greater portion consisting of
+respectable mechanics, while here and there may be seen an
+individual, who, from his seedy coat, well-brushed four-and-nine
+hat, highly polished but palpably patched highlows, outrageously
+shaved face and absence of shirt collar, is decidedly an amateur,
+who now and then plays a part, and as he is never mistaken for an
+actor on the stage, tries when off to look as much like one as
+possible.</p>
+<p>The boxes are nothing but a gallery, and are generally visited
+by a certain class of ladies who resemble angels, at least, in one
+particular, for they are &ldquo;few and far between.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>But what are the entertainments? A miscellaneous concert, in
+which the first tenor, habited in a <em>surtout</em>, with the
+tails pinned back, to look like a dress-coat, apostrophises his
+&ldquo;pretty Jane,&rdquo; and begs particularly to know her reason
+for looking so <em>sheyi</em>&mdash;<em>vulgo</em>, shy. Then there
+is the bass, who disdains any attempt at a body-coat, but honestly
+comes forward in a decided bearskin, and, while going down to G,
+protests emphatically that &ldquo;He&rsquo;s on the C (sea).&rdquo;
+Then there is the <em>prima donna</em>, in a pink gauze petticoat,
+over a yellow calico slip, with lots of jewels (sham), an immense
+colour in the very middle of the cheek, but terribly chalked just
+about the mouth, and shouting the &ldquo;Soldier tired,&rdquo; with
+a most insinuating simper at the corporal of the Foot-guards in
+front, who returns the compliment by a most outrageous leer between
+each whiff of his tobacco-pipe.</p>
+<p>Then comes an <em>Overture by the band</em>, which is a little
+commonwealth, in which none aspires to lead, none condescends to
+follow. At it they go indiscriminately, and those who get first to
+the end of the composition, strike in at the point where the others
+happen to have arrived; so that, if they proceed at sixes and
+sevens, they generally contrive to end in unison.</p>
+<p>Occasionally we are treated with Musard&rsquo;s <em>Echo
+quadrilles</em>, when the solos are all done by the octave flute,
+so are all the echoes, and so is everything but the
+<em>cada</em>.</p>
+<p>But the grand performance of the night is the dramatic piece,
+which is generally a three-act opera, embracing the whole debility
+of the company. There is the villain, who always looks so wretched
+as to impress on the mind that, if honesty is not the best policy,
+rascality is certainly the worst. Then there is the lover, whose
+woe-begone countenance and unhappy gait, render it really
+surprising that the heroine, in dirty white sarsnet, should have
+displayed so much constancy. The low comedy is generally done by a
+gentleman who, while fully impressed with the importance of the
+&ldquo;low,&rdquo; seems wholly to overlook the
+&ldquo;comedy;&rdquo; and there is now and then a banished
+nobleman, who appears to have entirely forgotten everything in the
+shape of nobility during his banishment. There is not unfrequently
+a display of one of the proprietor&rsquo;s children in a part
+requiring &ldquo;infant innocence;&rdquo; and as our ideas of that
+angelic state are associated principally with pudding heads and
+dirty faces, the performance is generally got through with a
+nastiness approaching to nicety. But it is time to make our escape
+from the <em>Bower</em>, and we therefore leave them to get through
+the &ldquo;Chough and Crow&rdquo;&mdash;which is often the wind-up,
+because it admits of a good deal of growling&mdash;in our absence.
+We cannot be tempted to remain even to witness the pleasing
+performances of the &ldquo;Sons of Syria,&rdquo; nor the
+&ldquo;Aunts of Abyssinia.&rdquo; We will not wait to see Mr.
+Macdonald sing &ldquo;Hot codlings&rdquo; on his head, though the
+bills inform us he has been honoured by a command to go through
+that interesting process from &ldquo;<em>nearly all the crowned
+heads in Europe</em>.&rdquo;</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+1, September 18, 1841, by Various
+
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+</pre>
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+</body>
+</html>
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1,
+September 18, 1841, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, September 18, 1841
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14928]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 1.
+
+
+
+FOR THE WEEK ENDING SEPTEMBER 18, 1841.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE HEIR OF APPLEBITE.
+
+CHAPTER IV.
+
+HAS A GREAT DEAL TO SAY ABOUT SOME ONE ELSE BESIDES OUR HERO.
+
+[Illustration: K]Kindness was a characteristic of Agamemnon's disposition,
+and it is not therefore a matter of surprise that "the month"--_the_
+month, _par excellence_, of "all the months i'the kalendar"--produced a
+succession of those annoyances which, in the best regulated families, are
+certain to be partially experienced by the masculine progenitor. O,
+bachelors! be warned in time; let not love link you to his flowery traces
+and draw you into the temple of Hymen! Be not deluded by the glowing
+fallacies of Anacreon and Boccaccio, but remember that they were
+bachelors. There is nothing exhilarating in caudle, nor enchanting in
+Kensington-gardens, when you are converted into a light porter of
+children. We have been married, and are now seventy-one, and wear a "brown
+George;" consequently, we have experience and cool blood in our veins--two
+excellent auxiliaries in the formation of a correct judgment in all
+matters connected with the heart.
+
+Our pen must have been the pinion of a wild goose, or why these continued
+digressions?
+
+Agamemnon's troubles commenced with the first cough of Mrs. Pilcher on the
+door-mat. Mrs. P. was the monthly nurse, and monthly nurses always have a
+short cough. Whether this phenomenon arises from the obesity consequent
+upon arm-chairs and good living, or from an habitual intimation that they
+are present, and have not received half-a-crown, or a systematic
+declaration that the throat is dry, and would not object to a gargle of
+gin, and perhaps a little water, or--but there is no use hunting
+conjecture, when you are all but certain of not catching it.
+
+Mrs. Pilcher was "the moral of a nurse;" she was about forty-eight and
+had, according to her own account, "been the mother of eighteen lovely
+babes, born in wedlock," though her most intimate friends had never been
+introduced to more than one young gentleman, with a nose like a wart, and
+hair like a scrubbing-brush. When he made his _debut_, he was attired in a
+suit of blue drugget, with the pewter order of the parish of St. Clement
+on his bosom; and rumour declared that he owed his origin to half-a-crown
+a week, paid every Saturday. Mrs. Pilcher weighed about thirteen stone,
+including her bundle, and a pint medicine-bottle, which latter article she
+invariably carried in her dexter pocket, filled with a strong tincture of
+juniper berries, and extract of cloves. This mixture had been prescribed
+to her for what she called a "sinkingness," which afflicted her about 10
+A.M., 11 A.M. (dinner), 2 P.M., 3 P.M. 4 P.M. 5 P.M. (tea), 7 P.M., 8 P.M.
+(supper), 10 P.M., and at uncertain intervals during the night.
+
+Mrs. Pilcher was a martyr to a delicate appetite, for she could never
+"make nothing of a breakfast if she warn't coaxed with a Yarmouth bloater,
+a rasher of ham, or a little bit of steak done with the gravy in."
+
+Her luncheon was obliged to be a mutton-chop, or a grilled bone, and a
+pint of porter, bread and cheese having the effect of rendering her "as
+cross as two sticks, and as sour as werjuice." Her dinner, and its
+satellites, tea and supper, were all required to be hot, strong, and
+comfortable. A peculiar hallucination under which she laboured is worthy
+of remark. When eating, it was always her declared conviction that she
+_never drank anything_, and when detected coquetting with a pint pot or a
+tumbler, she was equally assured that she never _did eat anything after
+her breakfast_.
+
+Mrs. Pilcher's duties never permitted her to take anything resembling
+continuous rest; she had therefore another prescription for an hour's doze
+after dinner. Mrs. Pilcher was also troubled with a stiffness of the
+knee-joints, which never allowed her to wait upon herself.
+
+When this amiable creature had deposited herself in Collumpsion's old
+easy-chair, and, with her bundle on her knees, gasped out her first
+inquiry--
+
+"I hopes all's as well as can be expected?"
+
+The heart of _Pater_ Collumpsion trembled in his bosom, for he felt that
+to this incongruous mass was to be confided the first blossom of his
+wedded love; and that for one month the dynasty of 24, Pleasant-terrace
+was transferred from his hands to that of Mrs. Waddledot, his wife's
+mother, and Mrs. Pilcher, the monthly nurse. There was a short struggle
+for supremacy between the two latter personages; but an angry appeal
+having been made to Mrs. Applebite, by the lady, "who had _nussed_ the
+first families in this land, and, in course, know'd her business," Mrs.
+Waddledot was forced to yield to Mrs. Pilcher's bundle in _transitu_, and
+Mrs. Applebite's hysterics in perspective.
+
+Mrs. Pilcher was a nursery Macauley, and had the faculty of discovering
+latent beauties in very small infants, that none but doting parents ever
+believed. Agamemnon was an early convert to her avowed opinions of the
+heir of Applebite, who, like all other heirs of the same age, resembled a
+black boy boiled--that is, if there is any affinity between lobsters and
+niggers. This peculiar style of eloquence rendered her other
+eccentricities less objectionable; and when, upon one occasion, the
+mixture of juniper and cloves had disordered her head, instead of
+comforting her stomachic regions, she excused herself by solemnly
+declaring, that "the brilliancy of the little darling's eyes, and his
+intoxicating manners, had made her feel as giddy as a goose." Collumpsion
+and Theresa both declared her discernment was equal to her caudle, of
+which, by-the-bye, she was an excellent concocter and consumer.
+
+Old John and the rest of the servants, however, had no parental string at
+which Mrs. Pilcher could tug, and the consequence was, that they decided
+that she was an insufferable bore. Old John, in particular, felt the ill
+effects of the heir of Applebite's appearance in the family, and to such a
+degree did they interfere with his old comforts, without increasing his
+pecuniary resources, that he determined one morning, when taking up his
+master's shaving water, absolutely to give warning; for what with the
+morning calls, and continual ringing for glasses--the perpetual
+communication kept up between the laundry-maid and the mangle, and of
+which he was the circulating medium--the insolence of the nurse, who had
+ordered him to carry five soiled--never mind--down stairs: all these
+annoyances combined, the old servant declared were too much for him.
+
+Collumpsion laid his hand on John's shoulder, and pointing to some of the
+little evidences of paternity which had found their way even into his
+dormitory, said, "John, think what I suffer; do not leave me; I'll raise
+your wages, and engage a boy to help you; but you are the only thing that
+reminds me of my happy bachelorhood--you are the only one that can feel
+a--feel a--"
+
+"_Caudle_ regard," interrupted John.
+
+"Caudle be ----." The "rest is silence," for at that moment Mrs.
+Waddledot entered the room, gave a short scream, and went out again.
+
+The month passed, and a hackney-coach, containing a bundle and the
+respectable Mrs. Pilcher, &c., rumbled from the door of No. 24, to the
+infinite delight of old John the footman, Betty the housemaid, Esther the
+nurserymaid, Susan the cook, and Agamemnon Collumpsion Applebite the
+proprietor.
+
+How transitory is earthly happiness! How certain its uncertainty! A little
+week had passed, and the "Heir of Applebite" gave notice of his intention
+to come into his property during an early minority, for his once happy
+progenitor began to entertain serious intentions of employing a coroner's
+jury to sit upon himself, owing to the incessant and "ear-piercing pipe"
+of his little cherub. Vainly did he bury his head beneath the pillow,
+until he was suffused with perspiration--the cry reached him there and
+then. Cold air was pumped into the bed by Mrs. Applebite, as she rocked to
+and fro, in the hope of quieting the "son of the sleepless." Collumpsion
+was in constant communication with the dressing-table--now for moist-sugar
+to stay the hiccough--then for dill-water to allay the stomach-ache. To
+save his little cherub from convulsions, twice was he converted into a
+night-patrole, with the thermometer below zero--a bad fire, with a large
+slate in it, and an empty coal-scuttle.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SURREY ZOOLOGICAL GARDENS.
+
+"Variety," say our school copy-books, "is charming;" hence this must be
+the most charming place of amusement in London. The annexed list of
+entertainments was produced on Tuesday last, when were added to the usual
+_passe-temps_, a flower and fruit show. Wild beasts in cages; flowers of
+all colours and sizes in pots; enormous cabbages; Brobdignag apples;
+immense sticks of rhubarb; a view of Rome; a brass band; a grand Roman
+cavalcade passing over the bridge of St. Angelo; a deafening park of
+artillery, and an enchanting series of pyrotechnic wonders, such as
+catherine-wheels, flower-pots, and rockets; an illumination of St.
+Peter's; blazes of blue-fire, showers of steel-filings, and a grand blow
+up of the castle of St. Angelo.
+
+Such are the entertainments provided by the proprietor. The company--which
+numbered at least from five to six thousand--gave them even greater
+variety. Numerous pic-nic parties were seated about on the grass;
+sandwiches, bottled stout, and (with reverence be it spoken) more potent
+liquors seemed to be highly relished, especially by the ladies. Ices were
+sold at a pastry-cook's stall, where a continued _feu-de-joie_ of
+ginger-pop was kept up during the whole afternoon and evening. In short,
+the scene was one of complete _al fresco_ enjoyment; how could it be
+otherwise? The flowers delighted the eye; Mr. Godfrey's well-trained band
+(to wit, Beethoven's symphony in C minor, with all the fiddle passages
+beautifully executed upon clarionets!) charmed the ear; and the edibles
+and drinkables aforesaid the palate. Under such a press of agreeables, the
+Surrey Zoological Gardens well deserve the name of an Englishman's
+paradise.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+ON THE SCIENCE OF ELECTIONEERING.
+
+To the progress of science and the rapid march of moral improvement the
+most effectual spur that has ever been applied was the Reform Bill. Before
+the introduction of that measure, electioneering was a simple process,
+hardly deserving the name of an art; it has now arrived at the rank of a
+science, the great beauty of which is, that, although complicated in
+practice, it is most easy of acquirement. Under the old system boroughs
+were bought by wholesale, scot and lot; now the traffic is done by retail.
+Formerly there was but one seller; at present there must be some thousands
+at least--all to be bargained with, all to be bought. Thus the "agency"
+business of electioneering has wonderfully increased, and so have the
+expenses.
+
+In fact, an agent is to an election what the main-spring is to a watch; he
+is, in point of fact, the real returning-officer. His importance is not
+less than the talents and tact he is obliged to exert. He must take a
+variety of shapes, must tell a variety of lies, and perform the part of an
+animated contradiction. He must benevolently pay the taxes of one man who
+can't vote while in arrear; and cruelly serve notices of ejectment upon
+another, though he can show his last quarter's receipt--he must attend
+temperance meetings, and make opposition electors too drunk to vote. He
+must shake hands with his greatest enemy, and _palm_ off upon him lasting
+proofs of friendship, and silver-paper hints which way to vote. He must
+make flaming speeches about principle, puns about "interest," and promises
+concerning everything, to everybody. He must never give less than five
+pounds for being shorn by an honest and independent voter, who never
+shaves for less than two-pence--nor under ten, for a four-and-ninepenny
+goss to an uncompromising hatter. He must present ear-rings to wives,
+bracelets to daughters, and be continually broaching a hogshead for
+fathers, husbands, and brothers. He must get up fancy balls, and give away
+fancy dresses to ladies whom he fancies--especially if they fancy his
+candidate, and their husbands fancy them. He must plan charities, organise
+mobs, causing free-schools to be knocked up, and opponents to be knocked
+down. Finally, he must do all these acts, and spend all these sums purely
+for the good of his country; for, although a select committee of the house
+tries the validity of the election--though they prove bribery,
+intimidation, and treating to everybody's satisfaction, yet they always
+find out that the candidate has had nothing to do with it--that the agent
+is not _his_ agent, but has acted solely on patriotic grounds; by which he
+is often so completely a martyr, that he is, after all, actually
+prosecuted for bribery, by order of the very house which he has helped to
+fill, and by the very man (as a part of the parliament) he has himself
+returned.
+
+That this great character might not be lost to posterity, we furnish our
+readers with the portrait of
+
+[Illustration: AN ELECTION AGENT.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE STATISTICAL SOCIETY.
+
+This useful society will shortly publish its Report; and, though we have
+not seen it, we are enabled to guess with tolerable accuracy what will be
+the contents of it:
+
+In the first place, we shall be told the number of pins picked up in the
+course of the day, by a person walking over a space of fifteen miles round
+London, with the number of those not picked up; an estimate of the class
+of persons that have probably dropped them, with the use they were being
+put to when they actually fell; and how they have been applied afterwards.
+
+The Report will also put the public in possession of the number of
+pot-boys employed in London; what is the average number of pots they carry
+out; and what is the gross weight of metal in the pots brought back again.
+This interesting head will include a calculation of how much beer is
+consumed by children who are sent to fetch it in jugs; and what is the
+whole amount of malt liquor, the value of which reaches the producer's
+pocket, while the mouth of the consumer, and not that of the party paying
+for it, receives the sole benefit.
+
+There are also to be published with the Report elaborate tables, showing
+how many quarts of milk are spilt in the course of a year in serving
+customers; what proportion of water it contains; and what are the average
+ages and breed of the dogs who lap it up; and how much is left unlapped up
+to be absorbed in the atmosphere.
+
+When this valuable Report is published, we shall make copious extracts.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A NOVEL ENTERTAINMENT.
+
+DRURY-LANE THEATRE.
+
+Novelty is certainly the order of the day. Anything that does not deviate
+from the old beaten track meets with little encouragement from the present
+race of amusement-seekers, and, consequently, does not pay the
+_entrepreneur_. Nudity in public adds fresh charms to the orchestra, and
+red-fire and crackers have become absolutely essential to harmony. Acting
+upon this principle, Signor Venafra _gave_ (we admire the term) a fancy
+dress ball at Drury-lane Theatre on Monday evening last, upon a plan
+hitherto unknown in England, but possibly, like the majority of deceptive
+delusions now so popular, of continental origin. The whole of the
+evening's entertainment took place in cabs and hackney-coaches, and those
+vehicles performed several perfectly new and intricate figures in
+Brydges-street, and the other thoroughfares adjoining the theatres. The
+music provided for the occasion appeared to be an organ-piano, which
+performed incessantly at the corner of Bow-street, during the evening.
+Most of the _elite_ of Hart-street and St. Giles's graced the animated
+pavement as spectators. So perfectly successful was the whole affair--on
+the word of laughing hundreds who came away saying they had never been so
+amused in their lives--that we hear it is in agitation never to attempt
+anything of the kind again.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+DONE AGAIN.
+
+Dunn, the bailless barrister, complained to his friend Charles Phillips,
+that upon the last occasion he had the happiness of meeting Miss Burdett
+Coutts on the Marine Parade, notwithstanding all he has gone through for
+her, she would not condescend to take the slightest notice of him. So far
+from offering anything in the shape of consolation, the witty barrister
+remarked, "Upon my soul, her conduct was in perfect keeping with her
+situation, for what on earth could be more in unison with a sea-view than
+
+[Illustration: A CUTTER ON THE BEACH?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+It is well known that the piers of Westminster Bridge have considerably
+sunk since their first erection. They are not the only peers, in the same
+neighbourhood that have become lowered in the position they once occupied.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+ASSERTION OF THE UNINTELLIGIBLE.
+
+OR, "A KANTITE'S" FLIGHTS AT AN EXORDIUM.
+
+
+FLIGHT THE FIRST.
+
+He who widely, yet ascensively, expatiates in those in-all-ways-sloping
+fields of metaphysical investigation which perplex whilst they captivate,
+and bewilder whilst they allure, cannot evitate the perception of
+perception's fallibility, nor avoid the conclusion (if that can be called
+a conclusion to which, it may be said, there are no premises extant) that
+the external senses are but deceptive _media_ of interior mental
+communication. It behoves the ardent, youthful explorator, therefore, to
+----, &c. &c.
+
+FLIGHT THE SECOND.
+
+In the Promethean persecutions which assail the insurgent mentalities of
+the youth and morning vigour of the inexpressible human soul, when,
+flushed with AEolian light, and, as it were, beaded with those lustrous
+dews which the eternal Aurora lets fall from her melodious lip; if it
+escape living from the beak of the vulture (no fable here!), then, indeed,
+it may aspire to ----, &c. &c.
+
+FLIGHT THE THIRD.
+
+If, with waxen Icarian wing, we seek to ascend to that skiey elevation
+whence only can the understretching regions of an impassive mutability be
+satisfactorily contemplated; and if, in our heterogeneous ambition,
+aspirant above self-capacity, we approach too near the flammiferous Titan,
+and so become pinionless, and reduced again to an earthly prostration,
+what marvel is it, that ----, &c. &c.
+
+FLIGHT THE FOURTH.
+
+When the perennial Faustus, ever-resident in the questioning spirit of
+immortal man, attempts his first outbreak into the domain of unlimited
+inquiry, unless he take heed of the needfully-cautious prudentialities of
+mundane observance, there infallibly attends him a fatal Mephistophelean
+influence, of which the malign tendency, from every conclusion of
+eventuality, is to plunge him into perilous vast cloud-waves of the
+dream-inhabited vague. Let, then, the young student of infinity ----, &c.
+&c.
+
+FLIGHT THE FIFTH.
+
+Inarched within the boundless empyrean of thought, starry with wonder, and
+constellate with investigation; at one time obfuscated in the abysm-born
+vapours of doubt; at another, radiant with the sun-fires of faith made
+perfect by fruition; it can amaze no considerative fraction of humanity,
+that the explorer of the indefinite, the searcher into the
+not-to-be-defined, should, at dreary intervals, invent dim, plastic
+riddles of his own identity, and hesitate at the awful shrine of that
+dread interrogatory alternative--reality, or dream? This deeply pondering,
+let the eager beginner in the at once linear and circumferent course of
+philosophico-metaphysical contemplativeness, introductively assure himself
+that ----, &c. &c.
+
+FINAL FLIGHT.
+
+As, "in the silence and overshadowing of that night whose fitful meteoric
+fires only herald the descent of a superficial fame into lasting oblivion,
+the imbecile and unavailing resistance which is made against the doom must
+often excite our pity for the pampered child of market-gilded popularity;"
+and as "it is not with such feelings that we behold the dark thraldom and
+long-suffering of true intellectual strength," of which the "brief, though
+frequent, soundings beneath the earthly pressure will be heard even amidst
+the din of flaunting crowds, or the solemn conclaves of common-place
+minds," of which the "obscured head will often shed forth ascending beams
+that can only be lost in eternity;" and of which the "mighty struggles to
+upheave its own weight, and that of the superincumbent mass of prejudice,
+envy, ignorance, folly, or uncongenial force, must ever ensure the deepest
+sympathy of all those who can appreciate the spirit of its qualities;" let
+the initiative skyward struggles towards the zenith-abysses of the inane
+impalpable ----, &c. &c. &c. &c. &c. &c.
+
+_Dramatic Authors' Theatre, Sept. 16, 1841._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+HUMANE SUGGESTION.
+
+MASTER PUNCH,--Mind ye's, I've been to see these here _Secretens_ at the
+English Uproar 'Ouse, and thinks, mind ye's, they aint by no means the
+werry best Cheshire; but what I want to know is this here--Why don't they
+give that wenerable old genelman, Mr. Martinussy, the Hungry Cardinal,
+something to eat?--he is a continually calling out for some of his
+Countrys Weal, (which, I dare say, were werry good) and he don't never git
+so much as a sandvich dooring the whole of his life and death--I mention
+dese tings, because, mind ye's, it aint werry kind of none on 'em.
+
+I remains, Mr. PUNCH, Sir, yours truly,
+
+DEF BURKE,
+
+[Illustration: HIS MARK.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+DIALOGUE BETWEEN THE STATUE OF GEORGE CANNING AND SIR ROBERT PEEL.
+
+The new Premier was taking a solitary stroll the other evening through
+Palace-yard, meditating upon the late turn which had brought the Tories to
+the top of the wheel and the Whigs to the bottom, and pondering on the
+best ways and means of keeping his footing in the slippery position that
+had cost him so much labour to attain. While thus employed, with his eyes
+fixed on the ground, and his hands buried in his breeches-pockets, he
+heard a voice at no great distance, calling in familiar tone--
+
+"Bob! Bob!--I say, Bob!"
+
+The alarmed Baronet stopped, and looked around him to discover the
+speaker, when, casting his eyes upon the statue of George Canning in the
+enclosure of Westminster Abbey, he was astonished to perceive it nodding
+its head at him, like the statue in "Don Giovanni," in a "How d'ye do?"
+kind of way. Sir Robert, who, since his introduction to the Palace, has
+grown perilously polite, took off his hat, and made a low bow to the
+figure.
+
+STATUE.--Bah! no nonsense, Bob, with me! Put on your hat, and come over
+here, close to the railings, while I have a little private confab with
+you. So, you have been called in at last?
+
+PEEL.--Yes. Her Majesty has done me the honour to command my services; and
+actuated by a sincere love of my country, I obeyed the wishes of my Royal
+Mistress, and accepted office; though, if I had consulted my own
+inclinations, I should have preferred the quiet path of private--
+
+STATUE.--Humbug! You forget yourself, Bob; you are not now at Tamworth, or
+in the house, but talking to an old hand that knows every move on the
+political board,--you need have no disguise with me. Come, be candid for
+once, and tell me, what are your intentions?
+
+PEEL.--Why, then, candidly, to keep my place as long as I can--
+
+STATUE.--Undoubtedly; that is the first duty of every patriotic minister!
+But the means, Bob?
+
+PEEL--Oh! Cant--cant--nothing but cant! I shall talk of my feeling for the
+wants of the people, while I pick their pockets; bestow my pity upon the
+manufacturers, while I tax the bread that feeds their starving families;
+and proclaim my sympathy with the farmers, while I help the arrogant
+landlords to grind them into the dust.
+
+STATUE.--Ah! I perceive yon understand the true principles of legislation.
+Now, _I_ once really felt what you only feign. In my time, I attempted to
+carry out my ideas of amelioration, and wanted to improve the moral and
+physical condition of the people, but--
+
+PEEL.--You failed. Few gave you credit for purely patriotic motives--and
+still fewer believed you to be sincere in your professions. Now, _my_ plan
+is much easier, and safer. Give the people fair promises--they don't cost
+much--but nothing besides promises; the moment you attempt to realise the
+hopes you have raised, that moment you raise a host of enemies against
+yourself.
+
+STATUE.--But if you make promises, the nation will demand a fulfilment of
+them.
+
+PEEL.--I have an answer ready for all comers--"Wait awhile!" 'Tis a famous
+soother for all impatient grumblers. It kept the Whigs in office for ten
+years, and I see no reason why it should not serve our turn as long.
+Depend upon it, "Wait awhile" is the great secret of Government.
+
+STATUE.--Ah! I believe you are right. I now see that I was only a novice
+in the trade of politics. By the bye, Bob, I don't at all like my
+situation here; 'tis really very uncomfortable to be exposed to all
+weathers--scorched in summer, and frost-nipped in winter. Though I am only
+a statue, I feel that I ought to be protected.
+
+PEEL.--Undoubtedly, my dear sir. What can I do for you?
+
+STATUE.--Why, I want to get into the Abbey, St. Paul's, or Drury Lane.
+Anywhere out of the open air.
+
+PEEL.--Say no more--it shall be done. I am only too happy to have it in my
+power to serve the statue of a man to whom his country is so deeply
+indebted.
+
+STATUE.--But _when_ shall it be done, Bob? To-morrow?
+
+PEEL.--Not precisely to-morrow; but--
+
+STATUE.--Next week, then?
+
+PEEL.--I can't say; but don't be impatient--rely on my promise, and _wait
+awhile, wait awhile_, my dear friend. Good night.
+
+STATUE.--Oh! confound your _wait awhile_. I see I have nothing to expect.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE BEAUTY OF BRASS.
+
+Tom Duncombe declares he never passes McPhail's imitative-gold mart
+without thinking of Ben D'Israeli's speeches, as both of them are so
+confoundedly full of fantastic
+
+[Illustration: MOSAIC ORNAMENTS.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH AT THE ART-UNION EXHIBITION AGAIN
+
+Limited space in our last number prevented our noticing any other than the
+Sleeping Beauty; and, as there are many other humorous productions
+possessing equal claims to our attention in the landscape and other
+departments of art, we shall herein endeavour to point out their
+characteristics--more for the advantage of future purchasers than for the
+better and further edification of those whose meagre notions and tastes
+have already been shown. And as the Royal Academicians, par courtesy,
+demand our first notice, we shall, having wiped off D. M'Clise, R.A., now
+proceed, baton in hand, to make a few pokes at W.F. Witherington, R.A.,
+upon his work entitled "Winchester Tower, Windsor Castle, from Romney
+Lock."
+
+This is a subject which has been handled many times within our
+recollection, by artists of less name, less fame, and less pretensions to
+notice, if we except the undeniable fact of their displaying infinitely
+more ability in their representations of the subject, than can by any
+possibility be discovered in the one by W. F. Witherington, R.A. If our
+remarks were made with an affectionate eye to the young ladies of the
+satin-album-loving school, we should assuredly style this "a duck of a
+picture"--one after their own hearts--treated in mild and undisturbed
+tones of yellow, blue, and pink--and what yellows! what blues! and what
+pinks! Some kind, superintending genius of landscape-painting evidently
+prepared the scene for W.F. Witherington, R.A. It displays nothing of the
+vulgar every-day look of nature, as seen at Romney Lock, or any other
+spot; not a pebble out of its place--not a leaf deranged--here are bright
+amber trees, and blue metallic towers, prepared gravel-walks, and figures
+nicely cleaned and bleached to suit; it is, in truth, the most genteel
+landscape ever looked on. Nothing but absolute needlework can create more
+wonderment. Fie! fie! get thee hence, W.F. Witherington, R.A.
+
+Just placed over the last-mentioned picture, and, doubtlessly so arranged
+that the gentle R.A. should find that, although his bright specimen of
+mild murder may be adjudged the worst in the collection, still there are
+others worthy of being classed in the same order of oddities. Behold No.
+19, entitled, "Landscape--Evening--J.F. Gilbert," and selected by Mr. John
+Bullock from the Royal Academy. "What's in a name?" In the charitable hope
+that there is a chance of this purchaser being toned down in the course of
+time, after the same manner that pictures are, and, by that process,
+display more sobriety, we most humbly offer to Mr. B. our modest judgment
+upon his selection (not upon his choice, but upon the thing chosen). That
+it is a landscape we gloomily admit; but that it represents "Evening" we
+steadily deny. The exact period of the day, after much puzzling and
+deliberation, we cannot arrive at; one thing yet we are assured of--that
+it has been painted in company with a clock that was either too fast or
+too slow. The composition, which has very much the appearance of the
+by-gone century, is a prime selection from the finest parts of those very
+serene views to be found adorning the lowest interiors of wash-hand
+basins, with a dash from the works of Smith of Chichester, whose mental
+elevation in his profession was only surpassed by the high finish of his
+apple-trees, and the elaborate nothingness of his general choice of
+subject. In the foreground of the picture, the artist has, however, most
+aptly introduced the two vagabonds invariably to be seen idling in the
+foregrounds of landscapes of this class--two rascally scouts who have put
+in appearance from time immemorial; they are here just as in the works
+alluded to, the one sitting, the other of course standing, and courteously
+bending to receive the remarks of his friend. By the side of the stream,
+which flows through (or rather takes up) the middle of the picture, and
+immediately opposite to the two everlastings, is a little plain-looking
+agriculturist, who appears to be watching them. He is in the careless and
+ever-admitted picturesque position of leaning over a garden fence; but
+whether the invariables are aware of the little gentleman, and are
+consequently conversing in an undertone, we leave every beholder to
+speculate and settle for himself. Behind the worthy small farmer, and
+coming from the door of his residence, most cleverly introduced, is his
+wife (we know it to represent the wife, from the clear fact of the lady's
+appearance being typical of the gentleman's), who is in the act of
+observing that the children are waiting his presence at table, and adding,
+no doubt, that he had better come in and assist her in the
+cabbage-and-bacon duties of the repast, than lose his time and annoy the
+family.
+
+We must now draw the spectator from the above-mentioned objects to a
+little piscatorial sportsman, who, apart from them, and in the retirement
+of his own thoughts upon worms, ground-bait, and catgut, lends his aid,
+together with a lively little amateur waterman, paddling about in a little
+boat, selfishly built to hold none other than himself--a hill rising in
+the middle ground, and two or three minor editions of the same towards the
+distance, carefully dotted with trees, after the fashion of a ready-made
+portable park from the toy _depot_ in the Lowther Arcade--two bee-hives, a
+water-mill, some majestic smoke, something that looks like a skein of
+thread thrown over a mountain, and the memorable chiaro-scuro, form the
+interesting episodes of this glorious essay in the epic pastoral.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SYNCRETIC LITERATURE
+
+    _Observations on the Epic Poem of Giles Scroggins and Molly
+    Brown--resumed._
+
+The fatal operation of the unavoidable, ever-impending, ruthless shears of
+the stern controller of human destiny, and curtailer of human life--the
+action by which
+
+  "Fate's scissors cut Giles Scroggins' thread,"
+
+or rather the thread of Giles Scroggins' life, at once and most completely
+establishes the wholesome moral as to the fearful uncertainty of all
+sublunary anticipations, and stands forth a beautiful beacon to warn the
+over-weaning "worldly wisemen" from their often too-fondly-cherished
+dreams of realising, by their own means and appliances, the darling
+projects of their ambitious hopes!
+
+The immediate effect of the operation performed by Fate's scissors, or
+rather by Fate herself--as she was the great and absolute disposer--to
+whom the implement employed was but a matter of fancy; for had Fate so
+chosen, a bucket, a bowie-knife, a brick-bat, a black cap, or a box of
+patent pills, might, as well as her destructive shears, have made a tenant
+for a yawning grave of doomed Giles Scroggins. We say, the immediate
+effect arising from this cutting cause was one in which both parties--the
+living bride and defunct bridegroom--were equally concerned, their lover's
+co-partnership rendering each liable for the acts or accidents of the
+other; therefore as may be (and we think is) clearly established, under
+these circumstances,
+
+  "They could _not_ be _mar-ri_-ed!"
+
+There is something deliciously affecting in the beautiful drawing out of
+the last syllable!--it seems like the lingering of the heart's best
+feelings upon the blighted prospects of its purest joys!--the ceremony
+that would have completed the union of the loving maiden and admiring
+swain, blending, as it were, like the twin prongs of a brass-bound
+toasting-fork, their interests in one common cause. The ceremony of love's
+concentration can never be performed! but the heart-feeling poet extends
+each tiny syllable even to its utmost stretch, that the tear-dropping
+reader may, while gulping down his sympathies, make at least a handsome
+mouthful of the word.
+
+We now approach, with considerable awe, a portion of our task to which we
+beg to call the undivided attention of our erudite readers. Upon referring
+to the original black-letter quarto, we find, after each particular
+sentence, the author introduces, with consummate tact, a line, meant, as
+we presume, as a kind of literary resting-place, upon which the delighted
+mind might, in the sweet indulgence of repose, reflect with greater
+pleasure on the thrilling parts, made doubly thrilling by the poet's fire.
+The diversity of these, if we may so express them, "camp stools" of
+imagination, is worthy of remark, both as to their application and
+amplitude. For instance, after _one_ line, and that if perused with
+attention, comparatively less abstruse than its fellows, the gifted poet
+satisfies himself with the insertion of three sonorous, but really simple
+syllables, they are invariably at follows--
+
+  "Too-ral-loo!"
+
+But when _two_ lines of the poem--burning with thought, bursting with
+action--entrance by their sublimity the enraptured reader, greater time is
+given, and more extended accommodation for a mental sit-down is afforded
+in the elaborate and elongated composition of
+
+  "Whack! fol-de-riddle lol-de-day!"
+
+These introductions are of a high classic origin. Many professors of
+eminence have quarrelled as to whether they were not the original of the
+"Greek chorus;" while others, of equal erudition, have as stoutly
+maintained, though closely approximating in character and purpose, they
+are not the "originals," but imitations, and decidedly admirable ones,
+from those celebrated poets.
+
+A Mr. William Waters, a gentleman of immense travel, one who had left the
+burning zone of the far East to visit the more chilling gales of a
+European climate, a philosopher of the sect known as the "Peripatetic," a
+devoted follower of the heathen Nine, whose fostering care has ever been
+devoted to the tutelage of the professors of sweet sounds; and therefore
+Waters was a high authority, declared in the peculiar _patois_ attendant
+upon the pronunciation of a foreign mode of speech--that
+
+  "Too-ral-loo"
+
+was to catch him wind! And
+
+  "Whack! fol-de-riddle lol-de-day,"
+
+to let "um rosin up him fuddlestick!" These deductions are practical, if
+not poetical; but these are but the emanations from the brain of
+one--hundreds of other commentators differ from his view.
+
+The most erudite linguists are excessively puzzled as to the nation whose
+peculiar language has been resorted to for these singular and unequalled
+introductions. The
+
+  "Too-ral-loo"
+
+has been given up in despair. The nearest solution was that of an eminent
+arithmetician, who conjectured from the word too (Anglice, _two_)--and the
+use of the four cyphers--those immediately following the T and L--that
+they were intended to convey some notion of the personal property of Giles
+Scroggins or Molly Brown (he never made up his mind which of the two); and
+merely wanted the following marks to render them plain:--
+
+T--oo (_two_)--either shillings or pence--and L--oo: no pounds!
+
+This may or may not be right, but the research and ingenuity deserve the
+immortality we now confer upon it. The other line, the
+
+  "Whack! fol-de-riddle lol-de-day!"
+
+has, perhaps, given rise to far more controversy, with certainly less
+tangible and satisfactory results.
+
+The scene of the poem not being expressly stated in the original or early
+black-letter translation, many persons--whose love of country prompted
+their wishes--have endeavoured to attach a nationality to these gordian
+knots of erudition. An Hibernian gentleman of immense research--the
+celebrated "Darby Kelly"--has openly asserted the whole affair to be
+decidedly of Milesian origin: and, amid a vast number of corroborative
+circumstances, strenuously insists upon the solidity of his premises and
+deductions by triumphantly exclaiming, "What, or who but an _Irish_ poet
+and an Irish hero, would commence a matter of so much consequence with the
+soul-stirring "whack!" adopted by the great author, and put into the mouth
+of his chosen hero?" Others again have supposed--which is also far more
+improbable--that much of the obscurity of the above passage has its origin
+from simple mis-spelling on the part of the poet's amanuensis--he taking
+the literal dictation, forgetting the sublime author was suffering from a
+cold in the head, which rendered the words in sound--
+
+  "Riddle _lol_ the lay;"
+
+whereas they would otherwise have been pronounced--
+
+  "Riddle--_all the day_"--
+
+that being an absolute and positive allusion to the agricultural pursuits
+of Giles Scroggins, he being generally employed by his more wealthy
+master--a great agrarian of those times--in the manly though somewhat
+fatiguing occupation of "riddling all the day:" an occupation which--like
+this article--was to be frequently resumed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A NEW THEORY OF POCKETS.
+
+    DEFINITION _Pocket_, s. the small bag inserted into
+    clothes.--WALKER (_a new edition, by Hookey_).
+
+We are great on the subject of pockets--we acknowledge it--we avow it.
+From our youth upwards, and we are venerable now, we have made them the
+object of untiring research, analysis, and speculation; and if our
+exertions have occasionally involved us in contingent predicaments, or our
+zeal laid us open to conventional misconstructions, we console ourselves
+with Galileo and Tycho Brahe, who having, like us, discovered and arranged
+systems too large for the scope of the popular intellect, like us, became
+the martyrs of those great principles of science which they have
+immortalized themselves by teaching.
+
+The result of a course of active and careful (s)peculations on the
+philosophy and economy of pockets, has led us to the conviction that their
+intention and use are but very imperfectly understood, even by the
+intelligent and reflective section of the community. It is, we fear, a
+very common error to regard them as conventional recesses, adapted for the
+reception and deposit of such luxurious additaments to the attire as are
+detached, yet accessory and indispensable ministers to our comfort. Now
+this delusive supposition is diametrically opposed to the truth. Pockets
+(we must be plain)--pockets are not made _to put into_, but to _take out
+of_; and, although it is of course necessary that, in order to produce the
+result of withdrawal, they be previously furnished with the wherewithal to
+withdraw, yet the process of insertion and supply is only carried on for
+the purpose of assisting the operation of the system.
+
+And having, we trust, logically established this point, we shall hazard no
+incautious position in asserting that the man who empties a pocket,
+fulfils the object for which it was founded and established. And although,
+unhappily, a prejudice still exists in the minds of the uneducated, in
+favour of emptying their own pockets themselves, it must be evident that
+none but a narrow mind can take umbrage at the trifling acceleration of an
+event which must inevitably occur; or would desire to appropriate the
+credit of the distribution, as well as to deserve the merit of the supply.
+
+We perceive with concern and apprehension, that pockets are gradually
+falling into disuse. To use the flippant idiom of the day, they are going
+out! This is an alarming, as well as a lamentable fact; and one, too,
+strikingly illustrative of the degeneracy of modern fashions. Whether we
+ascribe the change to a contemptuous neglect of ancestral institutions, or
+to an increasing difficulty in furnishing the indispensable attributes of
+the pocket, it is alike indicative of a crisis; and we confess that it is
+matter of astonishment to us, that in these days of theory and hypothesis,
+no man has ventured to trace the distress and the ruin now impending over
+the country, to the increasing disrespect and disuse of--pockets.
+
+By way of approving our conjecture, let us contrast the garments of the
+hour with those of England in the olden time--long ago, when boards smoked
+and groaned under a load of good things in every man's house; when the
+rich took care of the poor, and the poor took care of themselves; when
+husband and wife married for love, and lived happily (though that must
+have been very long ago indeed); the athletic yeoman proceeded to his
+daily toil, enveloped in garments instinct with pockets. The ponderous
+watch--the plethoric purse--the massive snuff-box--the dainty
+tooth-pick--the grotesque handkerchief; all were accommodated and
+cherished in the more ample recesses of his coat; while supplementary fobs
+were endeared to him by their more seductive contents: _as_ ginger
+lozenges, love-letters, and turnpike-tickets. Such were the days on which
+we should reflect with regret; such were the men whom we should imitate
+and revere. Had such a character as we have endeavoured feebly to sketch,
+met an individual enveloped in a shapeless cylindrical tube of pale
+Macintosh--impossible for taste--incapable of pockets--indefinite and
+indefinable--we question whether he would have regarded him in the light
+of a maniac, an incendiary, or a foreign spy--whether he would not have
+handed him immediately over to the exterminators of the law, as a being
+too depraved, too degraded for human sympathy. And yet--for our prolixity
+warns us to conclude--and yet the festering contagion of this baneful
+example is now-a-days hidden under the mask of fashion. FASHION! and has
+it indeed come to this? Is fashion to trample on the best and finest
+feelings of our nature? Is fashion to be permitted to invade us in our
+green lanes, and our high roads, under our vines and our fig-trees,
+without hindrance, and without pockets? For the sake of human nature, we
+hope not--for the sake of our bleeding country, we hope not. No! "Take
+care of your pockets!" is one of the earliest maxims instilled into the
+youthful mind; and emphatically do we repeat to our
+fellow-countrymen--Englishmen, take care of your pockets!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH'S THEATRE.
+
+[Illustration: C]Critics, as well as placemen, are occasionally
+sinecurists, and, like the gentlemen of England immortalised by Dibdin,
+are able, now and then, to "live at home at ease"--to dine (on dining
+days) in comfort, not having to rise from table to give authors or actors
+their dessert. This kind of novelty in our lives takes place when managers
+produce no novelties in their theatres; when authors are lazy, and actors
+do not come out in new parts but are contented with wearing out old
+ones--when, in short, such an eventless theatrical week as the past one
+leaves us to the enjoyment of our own hookahs, and the port of our
+cellar-keeping friends. The play-bills seem to have been printed from
+stereotype, for, like the laws of the Medes and Persians, they have never
+altered--since our last report.
+
+This unexpected hot weather has visited the public with many a "Midsummer
+night's dream," _although_ it is--and Covent Garden has opened _because_
+it is September; Sheridan's "Critic" has been very busy there, though
+PUNCH'S has had nothing to do. "London Assurance" is still seen to much
+advantage, and so is Madame Vestris.
+
+The Haymarket manager continues to wade knee-deep in tragedy, in spite of
+the state of the weather. The fare is, however, too good for any change in
+the _carte_. "Werner" forms a substantial standing dish. The "Boarding
+School" makes a most palpable _entree_; while "Bob Short," and "My Friend
+the Captain," serve as excellent after-courses. The promises recorded in
+the Haymarket bills are, a new tragedy by a new author, and an old comedy
+called "Riches;" a certain hit, if the continued success of "Money" be any
+criterion.
+
+It is with feelings of the most rabid indignation that we approach the
+_Strand Theatre_, and the ruthless threat its announcements put forth of
+the future destruction of the only legitimate drama that is now left
+amongst us; that is to say, "PUNCH." When Thespis and his pupil Phynicus
+"came out" at the feasts of Bacchus; when "Roscius was an actor in Rome;"
+when Scaramouch turned the Materia Medica into a farce, and became a quack
+doctor in Italy; when Richardson set up his show in England--all these
+geniuses were peregrinate, peripatetic--their scenes were really moving
+ones, their tragic woes went upon wheels, their comedies were run through
+at the rate of so many miles per hour; the entire drama was, in fact, a
+travelling concern. Punch, the concentrated essence of all these, has, up
+to this date, preserved the pristine purity of his peripatetic fame; he
+still remains on circuit, he still retains his legitimacy. But, alas! ere
+this sheet has passed through the press, while its ink is yet as wet as
+our dear Judy's eyes, he will have fallen from his high estate: Hall will
+have housed him! Punch will have taken a stationary stand at the Strand
+Theatre!! The last stroke will have been given to the only ancient drama
+remaining, except the tragedies of Sophocles, and "Gammer Gurton's
+Needle."
+
+With feelings of both sorrow and anger, we turn from the pedestrian to the
+equestrian drama. The Surrey has again, as of yore, become the Circus; she
+has been joined to Ducrow and his stud by the usual symbol of union--a
+_ring_. "Mazeppa" is _ridden_ by Mr. Cartlitch, with great success, and
+the wild horse performed by an animal so highly trained, that it is as
+tame as a lap-dog--has galloped through a score or so of nights, to the
+delight of some thousands of spectators. The scenes in the circle exhibit
+the usual _round_ of entertainment, and the _Merryman_ delivers those
+reliques of antique facetiae which have descended to the clowns of the
+ring from generation to generation, without the smallest innovation. Thus
+the Surrey shows symptoms of high prosperity, and properly declines to fly
+in Fortune's face by attempting novelty.
+
+The Victoria continues to kill "James Dawson," in spite of our prediction.
+The bills, however, promise that he shall die outright on Monday next, and
+a happy release it will be. The proprietor of "Sadler's Wells" is making
+most spirited efforts to attract play-goers to the Islington side of the
+New River, by a return to the legitimate drama of _his_ theatre,
+viz.--real water; while his box check-taker has kept one important integer
+of the public away; namely, that singular plural _we_--by impertinence for
+which we have exhausted all patience without obtaining redress.
+
+There are, we hear, other theatres open in London, one called the "City of
+London," somewhere near Shoreditch; another in Whitechapel, both _terrae
+incognitae_ to us. The proprietors of these have handsomely presented us
+with free admissions. We beg them to accept our thanks for their courtesy;
+but are sorry we cannot avail ourselves of it till they add the obligation
+of providing us with _guides_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE CORN LAWS AND CHRISTIANITY.
+
+Doctor Chalmers refused to attend the synod of Clergymen gathered together
+to consider the relative value of the Big and Little Loaf, on the ground
+that the reverend gentlemen were beginning their work at the wrong end.
+Wages will go up with Christianity, says the Doctor; cheap corn will
+follow the dissemination of cheap Bibles. "I know of no other road for the
+indefinite advancement of the working classes to a far better
+remuneration, and, of course, a far more liberal maintenance, in return
+for their toils, than they have ever yet enjoyed--it is a _universal
+Christian education_." Such are the words of Doctor CHALMERS.
+
+We perfectly agree with the reverend doctor. Instead of shipping
+Missionaries to Africa, let us keep those Christian sages at home for the
+instruction of the English Aristocracy. When we consider the benighted
+condition of the elegant savages of the western squares,--when we reflect
+upon the dreadful scepticism abounding in Park-lane, May-fair,
+Portland-place and its vicinity,--when we contemplate the abominable idols
+which these unhappy natives worship in their ignorance,--when we know that
+every thought, every act of their misspent life is dedicated to a false
+religion, when they make hourly and daily sacrifice to that brazen
+serpent,
+
+        SELF!--
+
+when they offer up the poor man's sweat to the abomination,--when they lay
+before it the crippled child of the factory,--when they take from life its
+bloom and dignity, and degrading human nature to mere brute breathing,
+make offering of its wretchedness as the most savoury morsel to the
+perpetual craving of their insatiate god,--when we consider all the
+"manifold sins and wickednesses" of the barbarians in purple and fine
+linen, of those pampered savages "whose eyes are red with wine and whose
+teeth white with milk,"--we do earnestly hope that the suggestion of
+Doctor Chalmers will be carried into immediate practical effect, and that
+Missionaries, preaching true Christianity, will be sent among the rich and
+benighted people of this country,--so that the poor may believe that the
+Scriptures are something more than mere printed paper, seeing their
+glorious effects in the awakened hearts of those who, in the arrogance of
+their old idolatry, called themselves their betters!
+
+"A universal Christian education!" To this end, the Bench of Bishops meet
+at Lambeth; and discovering that locusts and wild honey--the Baptist's
+diet--may be purchased for something less than ten thousand a year,--and,
+after a minute investigation of the Testament, failing to discover the
+name of St. Peter's coachmaker, or of St. Paul's footman, his valet, or
+his cook,--take counsel one with another, and resolve to forego at least
+nine-tenths of their yearly in-comings. "No!" they exclaim--and what
+apostolic brightness beams in the countenance of CANTERBURY--what
+celestial light plays about the fleshy head of LONDON--what more than
+saint-like beauty surprises the cowslip-coloured face of EXETER--what
+lambent fire, what looks of Christian love play about and beam from the
+whole episcopal Bench!--"No!" they cry--"we will no longer have the spirit
+oppressed by these cumbrous trappings of fleshy pride! We will promote an
+universal Christian education--we will teach charity by examples, and live
+unto all men by a personal abstinence from the bickerings and malice of
+civil life. We will not defile the sacred lawn with the mud of turnpike
+acts--we will no longer sweat in the House of Lords, but labour only in
+the House of the Lord!"
+
+Their Christian hearts sweetly suffused with sudden meekness, the Bishops
+proceed--staff in hand, and Bible under arm--from Lambeth Palace. How the
+people make way for the holy procession! Hackney-coachmen on their stands
+uncover themselves, and the drayman, surprised in his whistle, doffs his
+beaver to the reverend pilgrims. With measured step and slow, they proceed
+to Downing-street; the self-deputed Missionaries, resolved to give her
+Majesty's ministers "a Christian education." Sir ROBERT PEEL is
+immediately taken in hand by the Bishop of EXETER; who sets the Baronet to
+learn and exemplify the practical beauties of the Lord's Prayer. When Sir
+ROBERT comes to "give us this day our daily bread," he insists upon adding
+the words "_with a sliding scale_." However, EXETER, animated by a sudden
+flux of Christianity, keeps the baronet to his lesson, and the Premier is
+regenerated; yea, is "a brand snatched from the fire."
+
+Lord LYNDHURST makes a great many wry mouths at some parts of the
+Decalogue--we will not particularise them--but the Bishop of London is
+resolute, and the new Lord Chancellor is, in all respects a bran-new
+Christian.
+
+Lord STANLEY begs that when he prays for power to forgive all his enemies,
+he may be permitted to except from that prayer--DANIEL O'CONNELL. The
+Bishop is, however, inexorable; and O'Connell is to be prayed for, in all
+churches visited by Lord STANLEY.
+
+Several of the bishops, smitten by the heathen darkness of the great
+majority of the Cabinet--affected by their utter ignorance of the
+practical working of Christianity--burst into tears. It will not be
+credited by those disposed to think charitably of their fellow-creatures,
+that--we state the melancholy fact upon the golden word of the Bishop of
+EXETER--several Cabinet ministers had never heard of the divine sentence
+which enjoins upon us to do to others as we would they should do unto us.
+Sir JAMES GRAHAM, for instance, declared that he had always understood the
+passage to simply run--"_Do_ others;" and had, therefore, in very many
+acts of his political life, squared his doings according to the mutilated
+sentence. All the Cabinet had, more or less, some idea of the miracle of
+the Loaves and the Fishes. Indeed, many of them confessed that with them,
+the Loaves and the Fishes had, during their whole political career,
+contained the essence of Christianity. Sir EDWARD KNATCHBULL, Lord
+ELLENBOROUGH, and GOULBURN declared that for the last ten years they had
+hungered for nothing else.
+
+We cannot dwell upon every individual case of ignorance displayed in the
+Cabinet. We confine ourselves to the glad statement, that every minister
+from the first lord of the treasury to the grooms in waiting, vivified by
+the sacred heat of their schoolmaster Bishops, illustrate the great truth
+of Doctor CHALMERS, that the poor man can only obtain justice "by a
+_universal_ Christian education."
+
+The Bench of Bishops do not confine their labours to the instruction of
+the Cabinet. By no means. They have appointed prebends, deans, canons,
+vicars, &c., to teach the members of both houses of Parliament practical
+Christianity towards their fellow-men. Lord LONDONDERRY has sold his
+fowling-piece for the benefit of the poor--has given his shooting-jacket
+to the ragged beggar that sweeps the crossing opposite the Carlton
+Club--and resolving to forego the vanities of grouse, is now hard at work
+on "The Acts of the Apostles." Colonel SIBTHORP--after unceasing labour on
+the part of Doctor CROLY--has managed to spell at least six of the hard
+names in the first chapter of St. Matthew, and can now, with very slight
+hesitation, declare who was the father of ZEBEDEE'S children!
+
+"An universal Christian education!" Oh, reader! picture to yourself
+London--for one day only--operated upon by the purest Christianity.
+Consider the mundane interests of this tremendous metropolis directed by
+Apostolic principles! Imagine the hypocrisy of respectability--the
+conventional lie--the allowed ceremonial deceit--the tricks of trade--the
+ten thousand scoundrel subterfuges by which the lowest dealers of this
+world purchase Bank-stock and rear their own pine-apples--the common,
+innocent iniquities (innocent from their very antiquity, having been
+bequeathed from sire to son) which men perpetrate six working-days in the
+week, and after, lacker up their faces with a look of sleek humility for
+the Sunday pew--consider all this locust swarm of knaveries annihilated by
+the purifying spirit of Christianity, and then look upon London breathing
+and living, for one day only, by the sweet, sustaining truth of the
+Gospel!
+
+Had our page ten thousand times its amplitude, it would not contain the
+briefest register of the changes of that day!
+
+There is a scoundrel attorney, who for thirty years has become plethoric
+on broken hearts. The scales of leprous villany have fallen from him; and
+now, an incarnation of justice, he sits with open doors, to pour oil into
+the wounds of the smitten--to make man embrace man as his brother--to
+preach lovingkindness to all the world, and--without a fee--to chant the
+praises of peace and amity.
+
+_Crib_ the stockbroker meets _Horns_ a fellow-labourer in the same hempen
+walk of life. _Crib_ offers to buy a little Spanish of _Horns_. "My dear
+_Crib_," says _Horns_, "it is impossible; I can't sell; for I have just
+received by a private hand from Cadiz, news that must send the stock down
+to nothing. I am a Christian, my dear _Crib_," says _Horns_, "and as a
+Christian, how could I sell you a certain loss?"
+
+A mistaken, but well-meaning man, although a tailor, meets his debtor in
+Bow-street. A slight quarrel ensues; whereupon, the debtor (to show that
+the days of chivalry are _not_ gone) kicks his tailor into the gutter.
+Does the tailor take the offender before Mr. JARDINE? By no means. The
+tailor is a Christian; and learning the exact measure of his enemy, and
+returning good for evil, he, in three days' time, sends to his assailant a
+new suit of the very best super Saxony.
+
+How many quacks we see rushing to the various newspaper offices to
+countermand their advertisements! What gaps in the columns of the
+newspapers themselves! Where is the sugary lie--the adroit slander--the
+scoundrel meanness, masking itself with the usage of patriotism? All, all
+are vanished, for--the _Morning Herald_ is published upon Christian
+principles!
+
+Let us descend to the smallest matters of social life. "Will this gingham
+wash?" asks _Betty_ the housemaid of _Twill_ the linen-draper. _Twill_ is
+a Christian; and therefore replies, "it is a very poor article, and it
+will _not_ wash!"
+
+We are with Doctor Chalmers for Christianity--but not Christianity of _one
+side_. "Pray for those who despitefully use you," say the Corn Law
+Apostles to the famishing; and then, cocking their eye at one another, and
+twitching their tongues in their mouths they add--"for this is
+Christianity!"
+
+Q.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+ENCOURAGEMENT OF NATIVE TALENT.
+
+Her Majesty has, it seems, presented the conductor of the _Gazette
+Musicale_ with a gold medal and her portrait, as a reward for his constant
+efforts in the cause of music (_vide Morning Post_, Sept. 9). From this,
+it may be supposed, foreigners alone are deemed worthy of distinction; but
+our readers will be glad to learn, that Rundells have been honoured with
+an order for a silver whistle for PUNCH. His unceasing efforts in the
+causes of _humbug_, political, literary, and dramatic, having drawn forth
+this high mark of royal favour.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH'S PENCILLINGS--NO. X.
+
+[Illustration: THE DINER-OUT.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE OMEN OUTWITTED:
+
+OR, HOW HIS REVERENCE'S HEELS TOOK STEPS TO SAVE HIS HEAD.
+
+
+"So, Dick, I mean your 'reverence,' you like the blessed old country as
+well as ever, eh, lad?"
+
+"As well, ay, almost better. My return to it is like the meeting of
+long-parted friends--the joy of the moment is pure and unalloyed--all
+minor faults are forgotten--all former goodness rushes with double force
+from the recollection to the heart, and the renewal of old fellowship
+grafts new virtues (the sweet fruits of regretted absence) upon him who
+has been the chosen tenant of our 'heart of hearts.'"
+
+"His reverence's health--three times three (empty them heeltaps, Jack, and
+fill out of the fresh jug)--now, boys, give tongue. That's the raal thing;
+them cheers would wake the seven sleepers after a dose of laudanum. Bless
+you, and long life to you! That's the worst wish you'll find here."
+
+"I know that right well, uncle. I know it, feel it, and most heartily
+thank you all."
+
+"Enough said, parson. By dad, Dick, its mighty droll to be calling you,
+that was but yesterday a small curly-pated gossoon, by that clerical
+mouthful of a handle to your name. But do you find us altered much?"
+
+"There is no change but Time's--that has fallen lightly. To be sure,
+yesterday I was looking for the heads of my strapping cousins at the
+bottom button of their well-filled waistcoats, and, before Jack's arrival,
+meant to do a paternal and patriarchal 'pat' on his, at somewhere about
+that altitude; a ceremony he must excuse, as the little lad of my mind has
+thought proper to expand into a young Enniskillen of six feet three."
+
+"He's a mighty fine boy--the lady-killing vagabone!" said the father, with
+a kind look of gratified pride; and then added, as if to stop the
+infection of the vanity, "and there's no denying he's big enough to be
+better." Here a slight scrimmage at the door of the dining-room attracted
+the attention of the "masther."
+
+"What's the meaning of that noise, ye vagabones?"
+
+"Spake up, Mickey."
+
+"Is it me?" "It is." "Not at all, by no means. Let Paddy do it, or Tim
+Carroll; they're used to going out wid the car, and don't mind spaking to
+the quality." "Take yourselves out o'that, or let me know what you want,
+and be pretty quick about it, too."
+
+The result of this order was the appearance of Tim Carroll in the centre
+of the room--a dig between the shoulders, and vigorously-applied kick
+behind, hastening him into that somewhat uneasy situation, with a degree
+of expedition perfectly marvellous.
+
+"Spake out, what is it?" "Ahem!" commenced Tim; "you see, sir (_aside_),
+I'll be even wid you for that kick, you thief of the world--you see, Paddy
+(bad manners to him) and the rest o' the boys, was thinking that, owing to
+the change o' climate, Master Richard--that is, his new riverence--has
+gone through by rason of laving England and comin' here--and mighty could,
+no doubt, he was on the journey--be praised he's safe--the boy, sir, was
+thinkin', masther dear, it was nothing but their duty, and what was due to
+the family, to ax your honour's opinion about their takin' the smallest
+taste of whiskey in life, jist to be drinking his riverence's Masther
+Richard's health, and"--"Success to him!" shouted the chorus at the door.
+"That's it!" said the masther. "And nothing but it!" responded the chorus.
+"Nelly, my jewel! take the kays and give them anything in dacency!"
+"Hurrah! smiling good luck to you, for ever and afther!" "That'll do,
+boys! but stay: it's Terence Conway's wedding night--it's a good tenant
+he's been to me--take the sup down there, and you'll get a dance; now be
+off, you devils!"
+
+"Many thanks to your honour!" chorused the delighted group; and "I done
+that iligant, anyhow," muttered the gratified, successful, and, therefore,
+forgiving orator. "I'll try again. Ahem! wouldn't the young gentlemen just
+step down for a taste?" "By all manes!" was chimed at once; their hats
+were mounted in a moment, and off they set.
+
+Terence Conway's farm was soon reached; the barn affording the most
+accommodation for the numerous visitors, was fitted up for the occasion.
+It was nearly full, as Terence was a popular man--one that didn't grudge
+the "bit and sup," and never turned his back upon friend or foe. Loud and
+hearty were the cheers of the delighted tenantry, as the three sons of
+their beloved landlord passed the threshold. The appearance of the
+"stranger" was received with no such demonstrations of welcome; on the
+contrary, there was a sullen silence, soon after broken by suppressed and
+angry murmurs. These were somewhat appeased by one of the sons introducing
+his "cousin," and endeavouring to joke the peasants into good-humour, by
+laughingly assuring them his "reverence" was but a bad drinker, and would
+not deprive them of much of the poteen; then passing his arm through the
+parson's, he led the way, as it afterwards turned out, rather
+unfortunately, to the top of the barn, and there, followed by his
+brothers, they took their seats.
+
+The entrance of the Catholic priest (a most amiable man) at this moment
+attracted the entire attention of the party, during which time Tim Carroll
+elbowed his way to the place where his master was seated, and calling him
+partially aside, whispered, "Master John, dear, tell his riverence, Master
+Richard, to go."
+
+"What for?"
+
+"Sure, is not he entirely in black?"
+
+"Well, what of it?"
+
+"What of it? Houly Paul! the likes o' that! If my skin was as hard as a
+miser's heart, I wouldn't put it into a black coat, and come to a wedding
+in it; it's the devil's own bad omen, and nothing else!"
+
+"You are right! What a fool I was not to tell Dick! Cousin, a word!"
+
+Here the clamour became somewhat louder, the priest taking an active part,
+and speaking rapidly and earnestly in their native tongue to the evidently
+excited peasantry. He suddenly broke from them, and hastening to the
+Protestant clergyman, grasped his hand, and, shaking it heartily, wished
+him "health, long life, and happiness:" and lifting a tumbler of punch to
+his lips, drank off nearly half its contents, exclaiming the customary,
+"God save all here!" He then presented the liquor to the stranger, saying
+in a low earnest voice, "Drink that toast, sir!"
+
+This order was instantly complied with. The clear tones of the young man's
+unfaltering voice and the hearty cordiality of his utterance had a
+singular effect upon the more turbulent; the priest passed rapidly from
+the one to the other, and endeavoured to say something pleasant to all,
+but, despite his attempts at calmness, he was evidently ill at ease.
+
+Tim Carroll again sidled up to his young master.
+
+"The boys mane harrum, sir," said Tim; "but never mind, there's five of us
+here. We've not been idle, we've all been taking pick o' the sticks, and
+divil a stroke falls upon one of the ould ancient family widout showing a
+bruck head or a flat back for it."
+
+"What am I to understand by this?" inquired the young stranger.
+
+"That you're like Tom Fergusson when he rode the losing horse--you've
+mounted the wrong colour; and, be dad, you are pretty well marked down for
+it, sir; but never mind, there's Tim Carroll looking as black as the
+inside of a sut-bag. Let him come on! he peeled the skin off them shins o'
+mine at futball; maybe, I won't trim his head with black thorn for that
+same, if he's any ways obstropolis this blessed night."
+
+"Silence, sir! neither my inclination nor sacred calling will allow me to
+countenance a broil! I have been the first offender--to attempt to leave
+the room now would but provoke an attack; leave this affair to me, and
+don't interfere."
+
+"By the powers! if man or mortal lifts his hand to injure you, I'll smash
+the soul out of him! Do you think, omen or no omen, I'll stand by and see
+you harmed?--not a bit of it! If you are a parson and a child of peace, I
+have the honour to be a soldier, and claim my right to battle in your
+cause."
+
+Maugre the pacific tone of the unfortunately-accoutered ecclesiastic,
+there was something of defiance in his flashing eye and crimson cheek, as
+he turned his brightening glance upon what might almost be called the host
+of his foes; and the nervous pressure which returned the grasp of his
+cousin's sinewy hand, spoke something more of readiness for battle than
+could have been gathered from his expressed wishes.
+
+"If, Jack, it comes to that, why, as human nature is weak--excuse what I
+may feel compelled to do; but for the present pray oblige me by keeping
+your seat and the peace; or, if you must move and fidget about, go and
+make that pugnacious Tim Carroll as decent as you can."
+
+"I'll be advised by you, Dick; but look out!" So saying, the stalwart
+young officer bustled his way to the uproarious Tim.
+
+It was well he did so, or bloodshed must have ensued, as at that moment a
+tall and powerful man, brother-in-law to the bride, lifted his stick, and
+after giving it the customary twirl aimed a point-blank blow at the head
+of the ill-omened parson. The bound of an antelope brought the girl to the
+spot; her small hand averted the direction of the deadly weapon, and
+before the action had been perceived by any present, or the attempt could
+be resumed, she dropped a curtesy to the assailant, and in a loud voice,
+with an affected laugh, exclaimed--
+
+"You, if you plaise, sir;" and, turning quickly to the fiddler, continued:
+"Any tune you like, Mr. Murphy, sir; but, good luck to you, be quick, or
+we won't have a dance to-night!"
+
+"Clear the floor!--a dance! a dance!" shouted every one.
+
+In a few seconds the angry scowl had passed from the flushed cheeks of Dan
+Sheeny, and there he was, toe and heeling, double shuffling, and cutting
+it over the buckle, to the admiration of all beholders. The bride was
+seated near the stranger--he perceived this, and suddenly quitting his
+place, danced up to her, and nodding, as he stopped for a moment, invited
+her to join him. She was ever light of foot, and, as she said afterwards,
+"would have danced her life out but she'd give the poor young gentleman a
+chance." Long and vigorously did Dan Sheeny advance, retire, curvette, and
+caper. The whiskey and exertion at length overcame him, and he left the
+lady sole mistress of the floor. By this time murmurs had again arisen,
+and all eyes were turned upon the intruder, who had been intently engaged
+observing the dancers. It was an accomplishment for which he had been
+celebrated previous to his taking orders, and the old feeling so strongly
+interested him, that he was absorbed in the pleasure of witnessing the
+activity and joyousness of the performers. He turned his head for an
+instant--a heavy hand was laid upon his shoulder. On his starting up, he
+saw nothing but the smiling Norah pressing the arm of a tall peasant, and
+curtseying him a challenge to join her "on the floor." He paused for a
+moment, then gaily taking her hand, advanced with her to the centre. All
+eyes were bent upon them, but there was no restraint in the young parson's
+manner. The most popular jig-tune was called for--to it they went; his
+early-taught and well-practised feet beat living echoes to the most rapid
+bars. A foot of ground seemed ample space for all the intricate
+compilation of the _raal_ Conamera "capers." The tune was changed again
+and again; again and again was his infinity of steps adapted to its
+varying sounds: to use a popular phrase, you might have heard a pin drop.
+Every mouth was closed, every eye fixed upon his rapid feet; and, when at
+length wearied with exertion, the almost fainting girl was falling to the
+earth, her gallant partner caught her in his arms, and, like an infant,
+bore her to the open air, one loud and general cheer burst from their
+unclosed lips; a few moments restored the pretty lass to perfect health.
+Her first words were, "Leave me, sir, and save yourself." It was too late;
+borne on the shoulders of the admiring mob, who, despite his suit of
+sables (now rendered innoxious by the varying colour of the crimson
+kerchief the young bride bound round his neck), he was soon seated in the
+chair of honour, and there, surrounded by his friends, finished the night
+the "lion of the dance." And thus it was that his "Reverence's heels took
+steps to preserve his head."--FUSBOS
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+TRANSACTIONS AND YEARLY REPORT. OF THE HOOKHAM-CUM-SNIVEY LITERARY,
+SCIENTIFIC, AND MECHANICS' INSTITUTION.
+
+(_Continued from our last._)
+
+An important and advantageous arrangement in the transactions of the
+society, since its foundation, has been the institution of the classes
+"for the acquisition of a general smattering of everything," more
+especially as concerning the younger branches of society. It is, however,
+much to be regretted, that the public examination of the juvenile members,
+upon the subjects they had listened to during the past course, did not
+turn out so well as the committee could have wished. The various
+professors had taken incredible pains to teach the infant philosophers
+correct answers to the separate questions that would be asked them, in
+order that they might reply with becoming readiness. Unfortunately the
+examiner began at the wrong end of the class, and threw them all out,
+except the middle one. We sub-join a few of the questions:--
+
+State the distance, in miles, from the Hanwell Lunatic Asylum to the
+Tuesday in Easter week, and show how long a man would be going from one to
+the other, if he travelled at the rate of four gallons a minute.
+
+Required to know the advantages of giving tracts to poor people who cannot
+read, and how many are equivalent to a sliding-scale penny buster, in the
+way of nourishment.
+
+"Was Lord John Russell in his Windsor uniform, ever mistaken for a
+two-penny postman; if so, what great man imagined the affinity?
+
+[Illustration: Best Pigtail]
+
+The School of Design and Drawing has made very creditable progress, and
+the subscribers will be gratified in learning, that one of the pupils sent
+in a design for the Nelson Testamonial, which would in all probability
+have been accepted, had not the decision been made in the usual
+preconcerted underhand manner. Following the columnar idea of Mr. Railton,
+our talented pupil had put forth a peculiarly appropriate idea: the shaft
+would have been formed by a sea-telescope of gigantic proportions, pulled
+out to its utmost extent. On the summit of this Nelson would have been
+seated, as on the maintop, smoking his pipe, from which real smoke would
+have issued. This would have been produced by a stove at the bottom of the
+column, whose object was to furnish a steady supply of baked potatoes,
+uninfluenced by the fluctuations of the market, to the cabmen of
+Trafalgar-square, and the street-sweepers at Charing-cross. The artist who
+designed the elegant structure at King's-cross, which partakes so
+comprehensively of the attributes of a pump, a watch-house, a lamp-post,
+and a turnpike, would have superintended its erection, and a carved
+figure-head might have been purchased, for a mere song, to crown the
+elevation. It would not have much mattered whether the image was intended
+for Nelson or not, because, from its extreme elevation, no one, without a
+spy-glass, could have told one character from another--Thiers from Lord
+John Russell, George Steevens from Shakspere, Muntz from the Duke of
+Brunswick, or anybody else.
+
+THE MUSEUM.
+
+The museum of the institution has been gradually increasing in valuable
+additions, and donations are respectfully requested from families having
+any dust-collecting articles about their houses which they are anxious to
+get rid of.
+
+The first curiosities presented were, of course, those which have formed
+the nucleus of every museum that was ever established, and consisted of
+"South Sea Islander's paddles and spears, North American mocassins and
+tomahawks, and Sandwich (not in Kent, but in the Pacific Ocean) canoes and
+fishing-tackle. In addition, we have received the following, which the
+society beg to acknowledge:--
+
+The jaw-bone of an animal, supposed to be a cow, found two feet below the
+surface, in digging for the Great Western Railway, near Slough.
+
+Farthing, penny, and sixpence, of the reign of George the Fourth.
+
+Piece of wood from the red-funnel steam-boat sunk off the Isle of Dogs, in
+August, 1841, which had been under water nearly six days.
+
+A variety of articles manufactured from the above, sufficient to build a
+boat twelve times the size, may be purchased of the librarian.
+
+A floor-tile, in excellent preservation, from the old Hookham-cum-Snivey
+workhouse kitchen, before the new union was built.
+
+Specimens of pebbles collected from the gravel-pits at Highgate, and a
+valuable series of oyster-shells, discovered the day after
+Bartholomew-fair, near the corner of Cock-lane.
+
+A small lizard, caught in the Regent's-park, preserved in gin-and-water,
+in a soda-water bottle, and denominated by the librarian "a heffut."
+
+LIBRARY.
+
+Advertisement half of a _Times_ newspaper for March, 1838.
+
+Playbill of the English Opera during Balfe's management, supposed to be
+that of the memorable night when 16l. 4s. was taken, in hard cash, at
+the doors.
+
+View of the Execution of the late Mr. Greenacre in front of Newgate,
+published by Catnach, from a drawing by an unknown artist.  (_Very rare!_)
+
+MS. pantomime, refused at the Haymarket, entitled "Harlequin and the
+Hungarian Daughter; or, All My Eye and Betty Martinuzzi," with the whole
+of the songs, choruses, and incidental combats and situations. Presented
+by the author, in company with a receipt for red and green fire.
+
+Bound copy of Sermons preached at Hookham-cum-Snivey Church, by the
+Reverend Peter Twaddle, on the occasions, of building a dusthole for the
+national schools; of outfitting the missionaries who are exported annually
+to be eaten by the Catawampous Indians; on the death of Mr. Grubly, the
+retired cheesemonger, who endowed the weathercock; and in aid of the funds
+of the "newly-born-baby-clothes-bag-and-basket-institution:" printed at
+the desire of his, "he fears, in this instance, too partial" parishioners,
+and presented by himself.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+OUR FOREIGN RELATIONS.
+
+The treaty of the four powers, to which Chelsea, Battersea, Brompton, and
+Wandsworth are parties, and from which Pimlico has hitherto obstinately
+stood aloof, has at length been ratified by the re-entry of that impetuous
+suburb into the general views of Middlesex. We have now a right to call
+upon Pimlico to disarm, and to cut off its extra watchman with a
+promptitude that shall show the sincerity with which it has joined the
+neighbouring powers in the celebrated treaty of Kensington. It is already
+known that, by this document, Moses Hayley is recognised as hereditary
+beadle, and Abraham Parker is placed in undisturbed possession of the post
+of waterman on the coach-stand in the outskirts. We are not among those
+who expect to find a spirit of propagandism prevailing in the policy of
+the powers of Pimlico. The lamplighter who lights the district is a man of
+sound discernment, and there is everything to hope from the moderation he
+has always exhibited.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SIBTHORP ON THE CORN LAW.
+
+Sibthorp came out in full fig at Sir Robert Peel's dinner. While he was
+having his hair curled, and the irons were heating, he asked the two-penny
+operator what was his opinion of the corn-law question. The barber's
+answer suggested the following con.:--
+
+"Why am I like a man eating a particular sort of fancy bread?"--"Because,"
+answered the tonsor, "you are having
+
+[Illustration: A TWOPENNY TWIST"]
+
+This reply made the Colonel's hair stand on end, taking it quite out of
+curl.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+FISH SAUCE.
+
+The boy Jones, in one of his visits to the Palace, to avoid detection,
+secreted himself up the kitchen chimney. The intense heat necessary for
+the preparation of a large dish of white-bait for her Majesty's dinner
+compelled him to relax his hold, and in an instant he was precipitated
+among the Blackwall delicacies. The indignant cook immediately demanded
+"his business there." "Don't you see," observed the younker, "I'm
+
+[Illustration: ONE OF THE FRY?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH'S INFORMATION FOR THE PEOPLE.
+
+NO. 4.
+
+NATURAL HISTORY.
+
+_Definition._--The history of "naturals"--which chiefly include the human
+species--and of "simples" (herbs), occupies the branch of science we are
+about to enlighten our readers upon. It treats, in fact, of animated
+nature; while physical history--instead of being the history of
+Apothecaries' Hall, as many suppose--deals exclusively with inanimate
+matter.
+
+_Of genus, species, and orders._--If, in the vegetable world, we commence
+with the buttercup, and trace all the various kinds and sizes of plants
+that exist, up to the pine (Norwegian), and down again to the hautboy
+(Cormack's Princesses); if, among the lower animals, we begin with a gnat
+and go up to an elephant, or select from the human species a Lord John
+Russell, and place him beside a professor Whewell, we shall see that
+nature provides an endless variety of all sorts of everything. Now, to
+render a knowledge of everything in natural history as difficult of
+acquirement as possible to everybody, the scientific world divides nature
+into the above-mentioned classes, to which Latin names are given. For
+instance, it would be vulgarly ridiculous to call a "cat" by its right
+name; and when one says "cat," a dogmatic naturalist is justified in
+thinking one means a lion or tiger, both these belonging to the _cat_egory
+of "cats;" hence, a "cat" is denominated, for shortness, _felis
+AEgyptiacus;_ an ass is turned into a horse, by being an _equus_; a woman
+into a man, for with him she is equally _homo_.
+
+Of this last species it is our purpose exclusively to treat. The variety
+of it we commence with is,
+
+THE BARBER (_homo emollientissimus_.--TRUEFIT).
+
+_Physical structure and peculiarities_.--The most singular peculiarity of
+the barber is, that although, in his avocations, he always is what is
+termed a "strapper," yet his stature is usually short. His tongue,
+however, makes up for this deficiency, being remarkably long,--a beautiful
+provision of nature; for while he is seldom called upon to use his legs
+with rapidity, his lingual organ is always obliged to be on the "run." His
+eyes are keen, and his wits sharp; his mouth is tinged with humour, and
+his hair--particularly when threatening to be gray--with _poudre unique_.
+Manner, prepossessing; crop, close; fingers, dirty; toes, turned out. He
+seldom indulges in whiskers, for his business is to shave.
+
+1. _Habits, reproduction, and food._--A singular uniformity of _habits_ is
+observable amongst barbers. They all live in shops curiously adorned with
+play-bills and pomatum-pots, and use the same formulary of conversation to
+every new customer. All are politicians on both sides of every subject;
+and if there happen to be three sides to a question, they take a
+triangular view of it.
+
+2. _Reproduction._--Some men are born barbers, others have barberism
+thrust upon them. The first class are brought forth in but small numbers,
+for shavers seldom pair. The second take to the razor from disappointment
+in trade or in love. This is evident, from the habits of the animal when
+alone, at which period, if observed, a deep, mysterious, melo-dramatic
+gloom will be seen to overspread his countenance. He is essentially a
+social being; company is as necessary to his existence as beards.
+
+3. _Food._--Upon this subject the most minute researches of the most
+prying naturalists have not been able to procure a crumb of information.
+That the barber does eat can only be inferred; it cannot be proved, for no
+person was ever known to catch him in the act; if he does masticate, he
+munches in silence and in secret[1].
+
+    [1] Not so of drinking. Only last week we saw, with our own eyes, a
+        pot of ale in a barber's shop; and very good ale it was, too,
+        for we tasted it.
+
+_Geographical distribution of barbers._--Although the majority of
+barbers live near the _pole_, they are pretty diffusely disseminated
+over the entire face of the globe. The advance of civilization has,
+however, much lessened their numbers; for we find, wherever valets are
+kept, barbers are not; and as the magnet turns towards the north, they
+are attracted to the east. In St. James's, the shaver's "occupation's
+gone;" but throughout the whole of Wapping, the distance is very short
+
+[Illustration: "FROM POLE TO POLE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A LECTURE ON MORALITY.--BY PUNCH.
+
+Moral philosophers are the greatest fools in the world. I am a moral
+philosopher; I am no fool though. Who contradicts me? If any, speak, and
+come within reach of my cudgel. I am a moral philosopher of a new school.
+The schoolmaster is abroad, and I am the schoolmaster; but if anybody says
+that _I_ am abroad, I will knock him down. I am _at home_. And now, good
+people, attend to me, and you will hear something worth learning.
+
+The reason why I call all moral philosophers fools is, because they have
+not gone properly to work. Each has given his own peculiar notions,
+merely, to the world. Now, different people have different opinions: some
+like apples, and others prefer another sort of fruit, with which, no
+doubt, many of you are familiar. "Who shall decide when doctors disagree?"
+
+My system of morality is the result of induction. I am very fond of
+Bacon--I mean, the Bacon recommended to you by the "Society for the
+Diffusion of Useful Knowledge"--_Lord_ Bacon. I therefore study the
+actions of mankind, and draw my inferences accordingly. The people whose
+conduct I attend to are those who get on best in the world; for the object
+of all morality is to make ourselves happy, and as long as we are so,
+what, my good friends, does it signify?
+
+The first thing that you must do in the study of morals is, to get rid of
+all prejudices. Bacon and I quite agree upon this point. By prejudices I
+mean your previous notions concerning right and wrong.
+
+Dr. Johnson calls morality "the doctrine of the duties of life." In this
+definition I agree. The doctor was a clever man. I very much admire the
+knock-down arguments that he was so fond of; it is the way in which I
+usually reason myself. Now the duties of life are two-fold--our duty to
+others and our duty to ourselves. Our duty to ourselves is to make
+ourselves as comfortable as possible; our duty to others, is to make them
+assist us to the best of their ability in so doing. This is the plan on
+which all respectable persons act, and it is one which I have always
+followed myself. What are the consequences? See how popular I am; and,
+what is more, observe how fat I have got! Here is a corporation for you!
+Here is a leg! What think you of such a cap as this? and of this
+embroidered coat? Who says that I am not a fine fellow, and that my system
+is not almost as fine? Let him argue the point with me, if he dare!
+
+Happiness consists in pursuing our inclinations without disturbance, and
+without getting into trouble. Make it, then, your first rule of conduct
+always to do exactly as you please; that is, if you can. I am not like
+other moralists, who talk in one way and act in another. What I advise you
+to do, is nothing more than what I practise myself, as you have very often
+observed, I dare say.
+
+Be careful to show, invariably, a proper respect for the laws; that is to
+say, when you do anything illegal, take all the precautions that you can
+against being found out. Here, perhaps, my example is somewhat at variance
+with my doctrine; but I am stronger, you know, than the executive, and
+therefore, instead of my respecting it, it ought to respect me.
+
+Be sure to keep a quiet conscience. In order that you may secure this
+greatest of blessings, never allow yourselves to regret any part of your
+past behaviour; and whenever you feel tempted to do so, take the readiest
+means that you can think of to banish reflection, or, as Lord Byron very
+properly terms it--
+
+  "The blight of life, the demon Thought!"
+
+You have observed that, after having knocked anybody on the head, I
+generally begin to dance and sing. This I do, not because I am troubled
+with any such weakness as remorse, but in order to instruct you. I do not
+mean to say that you are to conduct yourselves precisely in the same
+manner under similar circumstances; a pipe, or a pot, or a pinch of
+snuff--in short, any means of diversion--will answer your purpose equally
+well.
+
+Adhere strictly to truth--whenever there is no occasion for lying. Be
+particularly careful to conceal no one circumstance likely to redound to
+your credit. But when two principles clash, the weaker, my good people,
+must, as the saying is, go to the wall. If, therefore, it be to your
+interest to lie, do so, and do it boldly. No one would wear false hair who
+had hair of his own; but he who has none, must, of course, wear a wig. I
+do not see any difference between false hair and false assertions; and I
+think a lie a very useful invention. It is like a coat or a pair of
+breeches, it serves to clothe the naked. But do not throw your
+falsifications away: I like a proper economy. Some silly persons would
+have you invariably speak the truth. My friends, if you were to act in
+this way, in what department of commerce could you succeed? How could you
+get on in the law? what vagabond would ever employ you to defend his
+cause? What practice do you think you would be likely to procure as a
+physician, if you were to tell every old woman who fancied herself ill,
+that there was nothing the matter with her, or to prescribe abstinence to
+an alderman, as a cure for indigestion? What would be your prospect in the
+church, where, not to mention a few other little trifles, you would have,
+when you came to be made a bishop, to say that you did not wish to be any
+such thing? No, my friends, truth is all very well when the telling of it
+is convenient; but when it is not, give me a bouncing lie. But that one
+lie, object the advocates of uniform veracity, will require twenty more to
+make it good: very well, then, tell them. Ever have a due regard to the
+sanctity of oaths; this you will evince by never using them to support a
+fiction, except on high and solemn occasions, such as when you are about
+to be invested with some public dignity. But avoid any approach to a
+superstitious veneration for them: it is to keep those thin-skinned and
+impracticable individuals who are infected by this failing from the
+management of public affairs, that they have been, in great measure,
+devised.
+
+Never break a promise, unless bound to do so by a previous one; and
+promise yourselves from this time forth never to do anything that will put
+you to inconvenience.
+
+Never take what does not belong to you. For, as a young pupil who formerly
+attended these lectures pathetically expressed himself, he furnishing, at
+the time, in his own person, an illustration of the maxim--
+
+  "Him as prigs wot isn't his'n,
+  Ven 'a's cotch must go to pris'n!"
+
+But what is it that does _not_ belong to you? I answer, whatever you
+cannot take with impunity. Never fail, however, to appropriate that which
+the law does not protect. This is a duty which you owe to yourselves. And
+in order that you may thoroughly carry out this principle, procure, if you
+can, a legal education; because there are a great many flaws in titles,
+agreements, and the like, the knowledge of which will often enable you to
+lay hands upon various kinds of property to which at first sight you might
+appear to have no claim. Should you ever be so circumstanced as to be
+beyond the control of the law, you will, of course, be able to take
+whatever you want; because there will be nothing then that will _not_
+belong to you. This, my friends, is a grand moral principle; and, as
+illustrative of it, we have an example (as schoolboys say in their themes)
+in Alexander the Great; and besides, in all other conquerors that have
+ever lived, from Nimrod down to Napoleon inclusive.
+
+Speak evil of no one behind his back, unless you are likely to get
+anything by so doing. On the contrary, have a good word to say, if you
+can, of everybody, provided that the person who is praised by you is
+likely to be informed of the circumstance. And, the more to display the
+generosity of your disposition, never hesitate, on convenient occasions,
+to bestow the highest eulogies on those who do not deserve them.
+
+Be abstemious--in eating and drinking at your own expense; but when you
+feed at another person's, consume as much as you can possibly digest.
+
+Let your behaviour be always distinguished by modesty. Never boast or
+brag, when you are likely to be disbelieved; and do not contradict your
+superiors--that is to say, when you are in the presence of people who are
+richer than yourselves, never express an opinion of your own.
+
+Live peaceably with all mankind, if you can; but, as you cannot, endeavor,
+as the next best thing, to settle all disputes as speedily as possible, by
+coming, without loss of time, to blows; provided always that the debate
+promises to be terminated, by reason of your superior strength, in your
+own favour, and that you are not likely to be taken up for knocking
+another person down. It is very true that I, individually, _never_ shun
+this kind of discussion, whatever may be the strength and pretensions of
+my opponent; but then, I enjoy a consciousness of superiority over the
+whole world, which you, perhaps, may not feel, and which might, in some
+cases, mislead you. I think, however, that a supreme contempt for all but
+yourselves is a very proper sentiment to entertain; and, from what I
+observe of the conduct of certain teachers, I imagine that this is what is
+meant by the word humility. You must, nevertheless, be careful how you
+display it; do so only when you see a probability of overawing and
+frightening those around you, so as to make them contributors to the great
+aim of your existence--self-gratification.
+
+Be firm, but not obstinate. Never change your mind when the result of the
+alteration would be detrimental to your comfort and interest; but do not
+maintain an inconvenient inflexibility of purpose. Do not, for instance,
+in affairs of the heart, simply because you have declared, perhaps with an
+oath or two, that you will be constant till death, think it necessary to
+make any effort to remain so. The case stands thus: you enter into an
+agreement with a being whose aggregate of perfections is expressible, we
+will say, by 20. Now, if they would always keep at that point, there might
+be some reason for your remaining unaltered, namely, your not being able
+to help it. But suppose that they dwindle down to 19-1/2, the person, that
+is, the whole sum of the qualities admired, no longer exists, and you, of
+course, are absolved from your engagement. But mind, I do not say that you
+are justified in changing _only_ in case of a change on the opposite side:
+you may very possibly become simply tired. In this case, your prior
+promise to yourself will absolve you from the performance of the one in
+question.
+
+And now, my good friends, before we part, let me beg of you not to allow
+yourselves to be diverted from the right path by a parcel of cant. You
+will hear my system stigmatised as selfish; and I advise you, whenever you
+have occasion to speak of it in general society, to call it so too. You
+will thus obtain a character for generosity; a very desirable thing to
+have, if you can get it cheap. Selfish, indeed! is not self the axis of
+the earth out of which you were taken? The fact is, good people, that just
+as notions the very opposite of truth have prevailed in matters of
+science, so have they, likewise, in those of morals. A set of
+impracticable doctrines, under the name of virtue, have been preached up
+by your teachers; and it is only fortunate that they have been practised
+by so few; those few having been, almost to a man, poisoned, strangled,
+burnt, or worse treated, for their pains.
+
+But here comes the police, to interfere, as usual, with the dissemination
+of useful truths. Farewell, my good people; and whenever you are disposed
+for additional instruction, I can only say that I shall be very happy to
+afford it to you for a reasonable consideration.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A BOWER OF BLISS IN STANGATE.
+
+    Oh, fly to the Bower--fly with me.--OLD OR NEW SONG (_I forget which_).
+
+If you take a walk over Waterloo-bridge, and, after going straight on for
+some distance, turn to the right, you will find yourself in the New-Cut,
+where you may purchase everything, from a secretaire-bookcase to a
+saveloy, on the most moderate terms possible. The tradesmen of the New-Cut
+are a peculiar class, and the butchers, in particular, seem to be brimming
+over with the milk of human kindness, for every female customer is
+addressed as "My love," while every male passer-by is saluted with the
+friendly greeting of "Now, old chap, what can I do for you?" The
+greengrocers in this "happy land" earnestly invite the ladies to "pull
+away" at the mountains of cabbages which their sheds display, while little
+boys on the pavement offer what they playfully designate "a plummy
+ha'p'orth," of onions to the casual passenger.
+
+At the end of the New-Cut stands the Marsh-gate, which, at night, is all
+gas and ghastliness, dirt and dazzle, blackguardism and brilliancy. The
+illumination of the adjacent gin-palace throws a glare on the haggard
+faces of those who are sauntering outside. Having arrived thus far, watch
+your opportunity, by dodging the cabs and threading the maze of omnibuses,
+to effect a crossing, when you will find Stangate-street, _running out_,
+as some people say, of the Westminster-road; though of the fact that a
+street ever ran out of a road, we take leave to be sceptical.
+
+Well, go on down this Stangate-street, and when you get to the bottom, you
+will find, on the left-hand, THE BOWER! And a pretty bower it is, not of
+leaves and flowers, but of bricks and mortar. It is not
+
+  "A bower of roses by Bendermere's stream,
+    With the nightingale singing there all the day long;
+  In the days of my childhood 'twas like a sweet dream,
+    To sit 'mid the roses and hear the birds' song.
+  That bower, and its music, I never forget:
+    But oft, when alone, at the close of the year,
+  I think is the nightingale singing there yet,
+    Are the roses still fresh by the calm Bendermere?"
+
+No, there is none of this sentimental twaddle about the Bower to which we
+are alluding. There are no roses, and no nightingale; but there are lots
+of smoking, and plenty of vocalists. We will paraphrase Moore, since we
+can hardly do less, and we may say, with truth,
+
+  "There's a Bower in Stangate's respectable street,
+    There's a company acting there all the night long;
+  In the days of my childhood, egad--what a treat!
+    To listen attentive to some thundering song.
+  That Bower and its concert I never forget;
+    But oft when of halfpence my pockets are clear,
+  I think, are the audience sitting there yet,
+    Still smoking their pipes, and imbibing their beer?"
+
+Upon entering the door, you are called on to pay your money, which is
+threepence for the saloon and sixpence for the boxes. The saloon is a
+large space fitted up something like a chapel, or rather a court of
+justice; there being in front of each seat a species of desk or ledge,
+which, in the places last named would hold prayer-books or papers, but at
+the Bower are designed for tumblers and pewter-pots. The audience, like
+the spirits they imbibe, are very much mixed; the greater portion
+consisting of respectable mechanics, while here and there may be seen an
+individual, who, from his seedy coat, well-brushed four-and-nine hat,
+highly polished but palpably patched highlows, outrageously shaved face
+and absence of shirt collar, is decidedly an amateur, who now and then
+plays a part, and as he is never mistaken for an actor on the stage, tries
+when off to look as much like one as possible.
+
+The boxes are nothing but a gallery, and are generally visited by a
+certain class of ladies who resemble angels, at least, in one particular,
+for they are "few and far between."
+
+But what are the entertainments? A miscellaneous concert, in which the
+first tenor, habited in a _surtout_, with the tails pinned back, to look
+like a dress-coat, apostrophises his "pretty Jane," and begs particularly
+to know her reason for looking so _sheyi_--_vulgo_, shy. Then there is
+the bass, who disdains any attempt at a body-coat, but honestly comes
+forward in a decided bearskin, and, while going down to G, protests
+emphatically that "He's on the C (sea)." Then there is the _prima donna_,
+in a pink gauze petticoat, over a yellow calico slip, with lots of jewels
+(sham), an immense colour in the very middle of the cheek, but terribly
+chalked just about the mouth, and shouting the "Soldier tired," with a
+most insinuating simper at the corporal of the Foot-guards in front, who
+returns the compliment by a most outrageous leer between each whiff of his
+tobacco-pipe.
+
+Then comes an _Overture by the band_, which is a little commonwealth, in
+which none aspires to lead, none condescends to follow. At it they go
+indiscriminately, and those who get first to the end of the composition,
+strike in at the point where the others happen to have arrived; so that,
+if they proceed at sixes and sevens, they generally contrive to end in
+unison.
+
+Occasionally we are treated with Musard's _Echo quadrilles_, when the
+solos are all done by the octave flute, so are all the echoes, and so is
+everything but the _cada_.
+
+But the grand performance of the night is the dramatic piece, which is
+generally a three-act opera, embracing the whole debility of the company.
+There is the villain, who always looks so wretched as to impress on the
+mind that, if honesty is not the best policy, rascality is certainly the
+worst. Then there is the lover, whose woe-begone countenance and unhappy
+gait, render it really surprising that the heroine, in dirty white
+sarsnet, should have displayed so much constancy. The low comedy is
+generally done by a gentleman who, while fully impressed with the
+importance of the "low," seems wholly to overlook the "comedy;" and there
+is now and then a banished nobleman, who appears to have entirely
+forgotten everything in the shape of nobility during his banishment. There
+is not unfrequently a display of one of the proprietor's children in a
+part requiring "infant innocence;" and as our ideas of that angelic state
+are associated principally with pudding heads and dirty faces, the
+performance is generally got through with a nastiness approaching to
+nicety. But it is time to make our escape from the _Bower_, and we
+therefore leave them to get through the "Chough and Crow"--which is often
+the wind-up, because it admits of a good deal of growling--in our
+absence. We cannot be tempted to remain even to witness the pleasing
+performances of the "Sons of Syria," nor the "Aunts of Abyssinia." We will
+not wait to see Mr. Macdonald sing "Hot codlings" on his head, though the
+bills inform us he has been honoured by a command to go through that
+interesting process from "_nearly all the crowned heads in Europe_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+1, September 18, 1841, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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