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diff --git a/14928-8.txt b/14928-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1149b83 --- /dev/null +++ b/14928-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2330 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, +September 18, 1841, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, September 18, 1841 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14928] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 1. + + + +FOR THE WEEK ENDING SEPTEMBER 18, 1841. + + * * * * * + + +THE HEIR OF APPLEBITE. + +CHAPTER IV. + +HAS A GREAT DEAL TO SAY ABOUT SOME ONE ELSE BESIDES OUR HERO. + +[Illustration: K]Kindness was a characteristic of Agamemnon's disposition, +and it is not therefore a matter of surprise that "the month"--_the_ +month, _par excellence_, of "all the months i'the kalendar"--produced a +succession of those annoyances which, in the best regulated families, are +certain to be partially experienced by the masculine progenitor. O, +bachelors! be warned in time; let not love link you to his flowery traces +and draw you into the temple of Hymen! Be not deluded by the glowing +fallacies of Anacreon and Boccaccio, but remember that they were +bachelors. There is nothing exhilarating in caudle, nor enchanting in +Kensington-gardens, when you are converted into a light porter of +children. We have been married, and are now seventy-one, and wear a "brown +George;" consequently, we have experience and cool blood in our veins--two +excellent auxiliaries in the formation of a correct judgment in all +matters connected with the heart. + +Our pen must have been the pinion of a wild goose, or why these continued +digressions? + +Agamemnon's troubles commenced with the first cough of Mrs. Pilcher on the +door-mat. Mrs. P. was the monthly nurse, and monthly nurses always have a +short cough. Whether this phenomenon arises from the obesity consequent +upon arm-chairs and good living, or from an habitual intimation that they +are present, and have not received half-a-crown, or a systematic +declaration that the throat is dry, and would not object to a gargle of +gin, and perhaps a little water, or--but there is no use hunting +conjecture, when you are all but certain of not catching it. + +Mrs. Pilcher was "the moral of a nurse;" she was about forty-eight and +had, according to her own account, "been the mother of eighteen lovely +babes, born in wedlock," though her most intimate friends had never been +introduced to more than one young gentleman, with a nose like a wart, and +hair like a scrubbing-brush. When he made his _debut_, he was attired in a +suit of blue drugget, with the pewter order of the parish of St. Clement +on his bosom; and rumour declared that he owed his origin to half-a-crown +a week, paid every Saturday. Mrs. Pilcher weighed about thirteen stone, +including her bundle, and a pint medicine-bottle, which latter article she +invariably carried in her dexter pocket, filled with a strong tincture of +juniper berries, and extract of cloves. This mixture had been prescribed +to her for what she called a "sinkingness," which afflicted her about 10 +A.M., 11 A.M. (dinner), 2 P.M., 3 P.M. 4 P.M. 5 P.M. (tea), 7 P.M., 8 P.M. +(supper), 10 P.M., and at uncertain intervals during the night. + +Mrs. Pilcher was a martyr to a delicate appetite, for she could never +"make nothing of a breakfast if she warn't coaxed with a Yarmouth bloater, +a rasher of ham, or a little bit of steak done with the gravy in." + +Her luncheon was obliged to be a mutton-chop, or a grilled bone, and a +pint of porter, bread and cheese having the effect of rendering her "as +cross as two sticks, and as sour as werjuice." Her dinner, and its +satellites, tea and supper, were all required to be hot, strong, and +comfortable. A peculiar hallucination under which she laboured is worthy +of remark. When eating, it was always her declared conviction that she +_never drank anything_, and when detected coquetting with a pint pot or a +tumbler, she was equally assured that she never _did eat anything after +her breakfast_. + +Mrs. Pilcher's duties never permitted her to take anything resembling +continuous rest; she had therefore another prescription for an hour's doze +after dinner. Mrs. Pilcher was also troubled with a stiffness of the +knee-joints, which never allowed her to wait upon herself. + +When this amiable creature had deposited herself in Collumpsion's old +easy-chair, and, with her bundle on her knees, gasped out her first +inquiry-- + +"I hopes all's as well as can be expected?" + +The heart of _Pater_ Collumpsion trembled in his bosom, for he felt that +to this incongruous mass was to be confided the first blossom of his +wedded love; and that for one month the dynasty of 24, Pleasant-terrace +was transferred from his hands to that of Mrs. Waddledot, his wife's +mother, and Mrs. Pilcher, the monthly nurse. There was a short struggle +for supremacy between the two latter personages; but an angry appeal +having been made to Mrs. Applebite, by the lady, "who had _nussed_ the +first families in this land, and, in course, know'd her business," Mrs. +Waddledot was forced to yield to Mrs. Pilcher's bundle in _transitu_, and +Mrs. Applebite's hysterics in perspective. + +Mrs. Pilcher was a nursery Macauley, and had the faculty of discovering +latent beauties in very small infants, that none but doting parents ever +believed. Agamemnon was an early convert to her avowed opinions of the +heir of Applebite, who, like all other heirs of the same age, resembled a +black boy boiled--that is, if there is any affinity between lobsters and +niggers. This peculiar style of eloquence rendered her other +eccentricities less objectionable; and when, upon one occasion, the +mixture of juniper and cloves had disordered her head, instead of +comforting her stomachic regions, she excused herself by solemnly +declaring, that "the brilliancy of the little darling's eyes, and his +intoxicating manners, had made her feel as giddy as a goose." Collumpsion +and Theresa both declared her discernment was equal to her caudle, of +which, by-the-bye, she was an excellent concocter and consumer. + +Old John and the rest of the servants, however, had no parental string at +which Mrs. Pilcher could tug, and the consequence was, that they decided +that she was an insufferable bore. Old John, in particular, felt the ill +effects of the heir of Applebite's appearance in the family, and to such a +degree did they interfere with his old comforts, without increasing his +pecuniary resources, that he determined one morning, when taking up his +master's shaving water, absolutely to give warning; for what with the +morning calls, and continual ringing for glasses--the perpetual +communication kept up between the laundry-maid and the mangle, and of +which he was the circulating medium--the insolence of the nurse, who had +ordered him to carry five soiled--never mind--down stairs: all these +annoyances combined, the old servant declared were too much for him. + +Collumpsion laid his hand on John's shoulder, and pointing to some of the +little evidences of paternity which had found their way even into his +dormitory, said, "John, think what I suffer; do not leave me; I'll raise +your wages, and engage a boy to help you; but you are the only thing that +reminds me of my happy bachelorhood--you are the only one that can feel +a--feel a--" + +"_Caudle_ regard," interrupted John. + +"Caudle be ----." The "rest is silence," for at that moment Mrs. +Waddledot entered the room, gave a short scream, and went out again. + +The month passed, and a hackney-coach, containing a bundle and the +respectable Mrs. Pilcher, &c., rumbled from the door of No. 24, to the +infinite delight of old John the footman, Betty the housemaid, Esther the +nurserymaid, Susan the cook, and Agamemnon Collumpsion Applebite the +proprietor. + +How transitory is earthly happiness! How certain its uncertainty! A little +week had passed, and the "Heir of Applebite" gave notice of his intention +to come into his property during an early minority, for his once happy +progenitor began to entertain serious intentions of employing a coroner's +jury to sit upon himself, owing to the incessant and "ear-piercing pipe" +of his little cherub. Vainly did he bury his head beneath the pillow, +until he was suffused with perspiration--the cry reached him there and +then. Cold air was pumped into the bed by Mrs. Applebite, as she rocked to +and fro, in the hope of quieting the "son of the sleepless." Collumpsion +was in constant communication with the dressing-table--now for moist-sugar +to stay the hiccough--then for dill-water to allay the stomach-ache. To +save his little cherub from convulsions, twice was he converted into a +night-patrole, with the thermometer below zero--a bad fire, with a large +slate in it, and an empty coal-scuttle. + + * * * * * + + +SURREY ZOOLOGICAL GARDENS. + +"Variety," say our school copy-books, "is charming;" hence this must be +the most charming place of amusement in London. The annexed list of +entertainments was produced on Tuesday last, when were added to the usual +_passe-temps_, a flower and fruit show. Wild beasts in cages; flowers of +all colours and sizes in pots; enormous cabbages; Brobdignag apples; +immense sticks of rhubarb; a view of Rome; a brass band; a grand Roman +cavalcade passing over the bridge of St. Angelo; a deafening park of +artillery, and an enchanting series of pyrotechnic wonders, such as +catherine-wheels, flower-pots, and rockets; an illumination of St. +Peter's; blazes of blue-fire, showers of steel-filings, and a grand blow +up of the castle of St. Angelo. + +Such are the entertainments provided by the proprietor. The company--which +numbered at least from five to six thousand--gave them even greater +variety. Numerous pic-nic parties were seated about on the grass; +sandwiches, bottled stout, and (with reverence be it spoken) more potent +liquors seemed to be highly relished, especially by the ladies. Ices were +sold at a pastry-cook's stall, where a continued _feu-de-joie_ of +ginger-pop was kept up during the whole afternoon and evening. In short, +the scene was one of complete _al fresco_ enjoyment; how could it be +otherwise? The flowers delighted the eye; Mr. Godfrey's well-trained band +(to wit, Beethoven's symphony in C minor, with all the fiddle passages +beautifully executed upon clarionets!) charmed the ear; and the edibles +and drinkables aforesaid the palate. Under such a press of agreeables, the +Surrey Zoological Gardens well deserve the name of an Englishman's +paradise. + + * * * * * + + +ON THE SCIENCE OF ELECTIONEERING. + +To the progress of science and the rapid march of moral improvement the +most effectual spur that has ever been applied was the Reform Bill. Before +the introduction of that measure, electioneering was a simple process, +hardly deserving the name of an art; it has now arrived at the rank of a +science, the great beauty of which is, that, although complicated in +practice, it is most easy of acquirement. Under the old system boroughs +were bought by wholesale, scot and lot; now the traffic is done by retail. +Formerly there was but one seller; at present there must be some thousands +at least--all to be bargained with, all to be bought. Thus the "agency" +business of electioneering has wonderfully increased, and so have the +expenses. + +In fact, an agent is to an election what the main-spring is to a watch; he +is, in point of fact, the real returning-officer. His importance is not +less than the talents and tact he is obliged to exert. He must take a +variety of shapes, must tell a variety of lies, and perform the part of an +animated contradiction. He must benevolently pay the taxes of one man who +can't vote while in arrear; and cruelly serve notices of ejectment upon +another, though he can show his last quarter's receipt--he must attend +temperance meetings, and make opposition electors too drunk to vote. He +must shake hands with his greatest enemy, and _palm_ off upon him lasting +proofs of friendship, and silver-paper hints which way to vote. He must +make flaming speeches about principle, puns about "interest," and promises +concerning everything, to everybody. He must never give less than five +pounds for being shorn by an honest and independent voter, who never +shaves for less than two-pence--nor under ten, for a four-and-ninepenny +goss to an uncompromising hatter. He must present ear-rings to wives, +bracelets to daughters, and be continually broaching a hogshead for +fathers, husbands, and brothers. He must get up fancy balls, and give away +fancy dresses to ladies whom he fancies--especially if they fancy his +candidate, and their husbands fancy them. He must plan charities, organise +mobs, causing free-schools to be knocked up, and opponents to be knocked +down. Finally, he must do all these acts, and spend all these sums purely +for the good of his country; for, although a select committee of the house +tries the validity of the election--though they prove bribery, +intimidation, and treating to everybody's satisfaction, yet they always +find out that the candidate has had nothing to do with it--that the agent +is not _his_ agent, but has acted solely on patriotic grounds; by which he +is often so completely a martyr, that he is, after all, actually +prosecuted for bribery, by order of the very house which he has helped to +fill, and by the very man (as a part of the parliament) he has himself +returned. + +That this great character might not be lost to posterity, we furnish our +readers with the portrait of + +[Illustration: AN ELECTION AGENT.] + + * * * * * + + +THE STATISTICAL SOCIETY. + +This useful society will shortly publish its Report; and, though we have +not seen it, we are enabled to guess with tolerable accuracy what will be +the contents of it: + +In the first place, we shall be told the number of pins picked up in the +course of the day, by a person walking over a space of fifteen miles round +London, with the number of those not picked up; an estimate of the class +of persons that have probably dropped them, with the use they were being +put to when they actually fell; and how they have been applied afterwards. + +The Report will also put the public in possession of the number of +pot-boys employed in London; what is the average number of pots they carry +out; and what is the gross weight of metal in the pots brought back again. +This interesting head will include a calculation of how much beer is +consumed by children who are sent to fetch it in jugs; and what is the +whole amount of malt liquor, the value of which reaches the producer's +pocket, while the mouth of the consumer, and not that of the party paying +for it, receives the sole benefit. + +There are also to be published with the Report elaborate tables, showing +how many quarts of milk are spilt in the course of a year in serving +customers; what proportion of water it contains; and what are the average +ages and breed of the dogs who lap it up; and how much is left unlapped up +to be absorbed in the atmosphere. + +When this valuable Report is published, we shall make copious extracts. + + * * * * * + + +A NOVEL ENTERTAINMENT. + +DRURY-LANE THEATRE. + +Novelty is certainly the order of the day. Anything that does not deviate +from the old beaten track meets with little encouragement from the present +race of amusement-seekers, and, consequently, does not pay the +_entrepreneur_. Nudity in public adds fresh charms to the orchestra, and +red-fire and crackers have become absolutely essential to harmony. Acting +upon this principle, Signor Venafra _gave_ (we admire the term) a fancy +dress ball at Drury-lane Theatre on Monday evening last, upon a plan +hitherto unknown in England, but possibly, like the majority of deceptive +delusions now so popular, of continental origin. The whole of the +evening's entertainment took place in cabs and hackney-coaches, and those +vehicles performed several perfectly new and intricate figures in +Brydges-street, and the other thoroughfares adjoining the theatres. The +music provided for the occasion appeared to be an organ-piano, which +performed incessantly at the corner of Bow-street, during the evening. +Most of the _élite_ of Hart-street and St. Giles's graced the animated +pavement as spectators. So perfectly successful was the whole affair--on +the word of laughing hundreds who came away saying they had never been so +amused in their lives--that we hear it is in agitation never to attempt +anything of the kind again. + + * * * * * + + +DONE AGAIN. + +Dunn, the bailless barrister, complained to his friend Charles Phillips, +that upon the last occasion he had the happiness of meeting Miss Burdett +Coutts on the Marine Parade, notwithstanding all he has gone through for +her, she would not condescend to take the slightest notice of him. So far +from offering anything in the shape of consolation, the witty barrister +remarked, "Upon my soul, her conduct was in perfect keeping with her +situation, for what on earth could be more in unison with a sea-view than + +[Illustration: A CUTTER ON THE BEACH?"] + + * * * * * + + +It is well known that the piers of Westminster Bridge have considerably +sunk since their first erection. They are not the only peers, in the same +neighbourhood that have become lowered in the position they once occupied. + + * * * * * + + +ASSERTION OF THE UNINTELLIGIBLE. + +OR, "A KANTITE'S" FLIGHTS AT AN EXORDIUM. + + +FLIGHT THE FIRST. + +He who widely, yet ascensively, expatiates in those in-all-ways-sloping +fields of metaphysical investigation which perplex whilst they captivate, +and bewilder whilst they allure, cannot evitate the perception of +perception's fallibility, nor avoid the conclusion (if that can be called +a conclusion to which, it may be said, there are no premises extant) that +the external senses are but deceptive _media_ of interior mental +communication. It behoves the ardent, youthful explorator, therefore, to +----, &c. &c. + +FLIGHT THE SECOND. + +In the Promethean persecutions which assail the insurgent mentalities of +the youth and morning vigour of the inexpressible human soul, when, +flushed with Æolian light, and, as it were, beaded with those lustrous +dews which the eternal Aurora lets fall from her melodious lip; if it +escape living from the beak of the vulture (no fable here!), then, indeed, +it may aspire to ----, &c. &c. + +FLIGHT THE THIRD. + +If, with waxen Icarian wing, we seek to ascend to that skiey elevation +whence only can the understretching regions of an impassive mutability be +satisfactorily contemplated; and if, in our heterogeneous ambition, +aspirant above self-capacity, we approach too near the flammiferous Titan, +and so become pinionless, and reduced again to an earthly prostration, +what marvel is it, that ----, &c. &c. + +FLIGHT THE FOURTH. + +When the perennial Faustus, ever-resident in the questioning spirit of +immortal man, attempts his first outbreak into the domain of unlimited +inquiry, unless he take heed of the needfully-cautious prudentialities of +mundane observance, there infallibly attends him a fatal Mephistophelean +influence, of which the malign tendency, from every conclusion of +eventuality, is to plunge him into perilous vast cloud-waves of the +dream-inhabited vague. Let, then, the young student of infinity ----, &c. +&c. + +FLIGHT THE FIFTH. + +Inarched within the boundless empyrean of thought, starry with wonder, and +constellate with investigation; at one time obfuscated in the abysm-born +vapours of doubt; at another, radiant with the sun-fires of faith made +perfect by fruition; it can amaze no considerative fraction of humanity, +that the explorer of the indefinite, the searcher into the +not-to-be-defined, should, at dreary intervals, invent dim, plastic +riddles of his own identity, and hesitate at the awful shrine of that +dread interrogatory alternative--reality, or dream? This deeply pondering, +let the eager beginner in the at once linear and circumferent course of +philosophico-metaphysical contemplativeness, introductively assure himself +that ----, &c. &c. + +FINAL FLIGHT. + +As, "in the silence and overshadowing of that night whose fitful meteoric +fires only herald the descent of a superficial fame into lasting oblivion, +the imbecile and unavailing resistance which is made against the doom must +often excite our pity for the pampered child of market-gilded popularity;" +and as "it is not with such feelings that we behold the dark thraldom and +long-suffering of true intellectual strength," of which the "brief, though +frequent, soundings beneath the earthly pressure will be heard even amidst +the din of flaunting crowds, or the solemn conclaves of common-place +minds," of which the "obscured head will often shed forth ascending beams +that can only be lost in eternity;" and of which the "mighty struggles to +upheave its own weight, and that of the superincumbent mass of prejudice, +envy, ignorance, folly, or uncongenial force, must ever ensure the deepest +sympathy of all those who can appreciate the spirit of its qualities;" let +the initiative skyward struggles towards the zenith-abysses of the inane +impalpable ----, &c. &c. &c. &c. &c. &c. + +_Dramatic Authors' Theatre, Sept. 16, 1841._ + + * * * * * + + +HUMANE SUGGESTION. + +MASTER PUNCH,--Mind ye's, I've been to see these here _Secretens_ at the +English Uproar 'Ouse, and thinks, mind ye's, they aint by no means the +werry best Cheshire; but what I want to know is this here--Why don't they +give that wenerable old genelman, Mr. Martinussy, the Hungry Cardinal, +something to eat?--he is a continually calling out for some of his +Countrys Weal, (which, I dare say, were werry good) and he don't never git +so much as a sandvich dooring the whole of his life and death--I mention +dese tings, because, mind ye's, it aint werry kind of none on 'em. + +I remains, Mr. PUNCH, Sir, yours truly, + +DEF BURKE, + +[Illustration: HIS MARK.] + + * * * * * + + +DIALOGUE BETWEEN THE STATUE OF GEORGE CANNING AND SIR ROBERT PEEL. + +The new Premier was taking a solitary stroll the other evening through +Palace-yard, meditating upon the late turn which had brought the Tories to +the top of the wheel and the Whigs to the bottom, and pondering on the +best ways and means of keeping his footing in the slippery position that +had cost him so much labour to attain. While thus employed, with his eyes +fixed on the ground, and his hands buried in his breeches-pockets, he +heard a voice at no great distance, calling in familiar tone-- + +"Bob! Bob!--I say, Bob!" + +The alarmed Baronet stopped, and looked around him to discover the +speaker, when, casting his eyes upon the statue of George Canning in the +enclosure of Westminster Abbey, he was astonished to perceive it nodding +its head at him, like the statue in "Don Giovanni," in a "How d'ye do?" +kind of way. Sir Robert, who, since his introduction to the Palace, has +grown perilously polite, took off his hat, and made a low bow to the +figure. + +STATUE.--Bah! no nonsense, Bob, with me! Put on your hat, and come over +here, close to the railings, while I have a little private confab with +you. So, you have been called in at last? + +PEEL.--Yes. Her Majesty has done me the honour to command my services; and +actuated by a sincere love of my country, I obeyed the wishes of my Royal +Mistress, and accepted office; though, if I had consulted my own +inclinations, I should have preferred the quiet path of private-- + +STATUE.--Humbug! You forget yourself, Bob; you are not now at Tamworth, or +in the house, but talking to an old hand that knows every move on the +political board,--you need have no disguise with me. Come, be candid for +once, and tell me, what are your intentions? + +PEEL.--Why, then, candidly, to keep my place as long as I can-- + +STATUE.--Undoubtedly; that is the first duty of every patriotic minister! +But the means, Bob? + +PEEL--Oh! Cant--cant--nothing but cant! I shall talk of my feeling for the +wants of the people, while I pick their pockets; bestow my pity upon the +manufacturers, while I tax the bread that feeds their starving families; +and proclaim my sympathy with the farmers, while I help the arrogant +landlords to grind them into the dust. + +STATUE.--Ah! I perceive yon understand the true principles of legislation. +Now, _I_ once really felt what you only feign. In my time, I attempted to +carry out my ideas of amelioration, and wanted to improve the moral and +physical condition of the people, but-- + +PEEL.--You failed. Few gave you credit for purely patriotic motives--and +still fewer believed you to be sincere in your professions. Now, _my_ plan +is much easier, and safer. Give the people fair promises--they don't cost +much--but nothing besides promises; the moment you attempt to realise the +hopes you have raised, that moment you raise a host of enemies against +yourself. + +STATUE.--But if you make promises, the nation will demand a fulfilment of +them. + +PEEL.--I have an answer ready for all comers--"Wait awhile!" 'Tis a famous +soother for all impatient grumblers. It kept the Whigs in office for ten +years, and I see no reason why it should not serve our turn as long. +Depend upon it, "Wait awhile" is the great secret of Government. + +STATUE.--Ah! I believe you are right. I now see that I was only a novice +in the trade of politics. By the bye, Bob, I don't at all like my +situation here; 'tis really very uncomfortable to be exposed to all +weathers--scorched in summer, and frost-nipped in winter. Though I am only +a statue, I feel that I ought to be protected. + +PEEL.--Undoubtedly, my dear sir. What can I do for you? + +STATUE.--Why, I want to get into the Abbey, St. Paul's, or Drury Lane. +Anywhere out of the open air. + +PEEL.--Say no more--it shall be done. I am only too happy to have it in my +power to serve the statue of a man to whom his country is so deeply +indebted. + +STATUE.--But _when_ shall it be done, Bob? To-morrow? + +PEEL.--Not precisely to-morrow; but-- + +STATUE.--Next week, then? + +PEEL.--I can't say; but don't be impatient--rely on my promise, and _wait +awhile, wait awhile_, my dear friend. Good night. + +STATUE.--Oh! confound your _wait awhile_. I see I have nothing to expect. + + * * * * * + + +THE BEAUTY OF BRASS. + +Tom Duncombe declares he never passes McPhail's imitative-gold mart +without thinking of Ben D'Israeli's speeches, as both of them are so +confoundedly full of fantastic + +[Illustration: MOSAIC ORNAMENTS.] + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH AT THE ART-UNION EXHIBITION AGAIN + +Limited space in our last number prevented our noticing any other than the +Sleeping Beauty; and, as there are many other humorous productions +possessing equal claims to our attention in the landscape and other +departments of art, we shall herein endeavour to point out their +characteristics--more for the advantage of future purchasers than for the +better and further edification of those whose meagre notions and tastes +have already been shown. And as the Royal Academicians, par courtesy, +demand our first notice, we shall, having wiped off D. M'Clise, R.A., now +proceed, baton in hand, to make a few pokes at W.F. Witherington, R.A., +upon his work entitled "Winchester Tower, Windsor Castle, from Romney +Lock." + +This is a subject which has been handled many times within our +recollection, by artists of less name, less fame, and less pretensions to +notice, if we except the undeniable fact of their displaying infinitely +more ability in their representations of the subject, than can by any +possibility be discovered in the one by W. F. Witherington, R.A. If our +remarks were made with an affectionate eye to the young ladies of the +satin-album-loving school, we should assuredly style this "a duck of a +picture"--one after their own hearts--treated in mild and undisturbed +tones of yellow, blue, and pink--and what yellows! what blues! and what +pinks! Some kind, superintending genius of landscape-painting evidently +prepared the scene for W.F. Witherington, R.A. It displays nothing of the +vulgar every-day look of nature, as seen at Romney Lock, or any other +spot; not a pebble out of its place--not a leaf deranged--here are bright +amber trees, and blue metallic towers, prepared gravel-walks, and figures +nicely cleaned and bleached to suit; it is, in truth, the most genteel +landscape ever looked on. Nothing but absolute needlework can create more +wonderment. Fie! fie! get thee hence, W.F. Witherington, R.A. + +Just placed over the last-mentioned picture, and, doubtlessly so arranged +that the gentle R.A. should find that, although his bright specimen of +mild murder may be adjudged the worst in the collection, still there are +others worthy of being classed in the same order of oddities. Behold No. +19, entitled, "Landscape--Evening--J.F. Gilbert," and selected by Mr. John +Bullock from the Royal Academy. "What's in a name?" In the charitable hope +that there is a chance of this purchaser being toned down in the course of +time, after the same manner that pictures are, and, by that process, +display more sobriety, we most humbly offer to Mr. B. our modest judgment +upon his selection (not upon his choice, but upon the thing chosen). That +it is a landscape we gloomily admit; but that it represents "Evening" we +steadily deny. The exact period of the day, after much puzzling and +deliberation, we cannot arrive at; one thing yet we are assured of--that +it has been painted in company with a clock that was either too fast or +too slow. The composition, which has very much the appearance of the +by-gone century, is a prime selection from the finest parts of those very +serene views to be found adorning the lowest interiors of wash-hand +basins, with a dash from the works of Smith of Chichester, whose mental +elevation in his profession was only surpassed by the high finish of his +apple-trees, and the elaborate nothingness of his general choice of +subject. In the foreground of the picture, the artist has, however, most +aptly introduced the two vagabonds invariably to be seen idling in the +foregrounds of landscapes of this class--two rascally scouts who have put +in appearance from time immemorial; they are here just as in the works +alluded to, the one sitting, the other of course standing, and courteously +bending to receive the remarks of his friend. By the side of the stream, +which flows through (or rather takes up) the middle of the picture, and +immediately opposite to the two everlastings, is a little plain-looking +agriculturist, who appears to be watching them. He is in the careless and +ever-admitted picturesque position of leaning over a garden fence; but +whether the invariables are aware of the little gentleman, and are +consequently conversing in an undertone, we leave every beholder to +speculate and settle for himself. Behind the worthy small farmer, and +coming from the door of his residence, most cleverly introduced, is his +wife (we know it to represent the wife, from the clear fact of the lady's +appearance being typical of the gentleman's), who is in the act of +observing that the children are waiting his presence at table, and adding, +no doubt, that he had better come in and assist her in the +cabbage-and-bacon duties of the repast, than lose his time and annoy the +family. + +We must now draw the spectator from the above-mentioned objects to a +little piscatorial sportsman, who, apart from them, and in the retirement +of his own thoughts upon worms, ground-bait, and catgut, lends his aid, +together with a lively little amateur waterman, paddling about in a little +boat, selfishly built to hold none other than himself--a hill rising in +the middle ground, and two or three minor editions of the same towards the +distance, carefully dotted with trees, after the fashion of a ready-made +portable park from the toy _depot_ in the Lowther Arcade--two bee-hives, a +water-mill, some majestic smoke, something that looks like a skein of +thread thrown over a mountain, and the memorable chiaro-scuro, form the +interesting episodes of this glorious essay in the epic pastoral. + + * * * * * + + +SYNCRETIC LITERATURE + + _Observations on the Epic Poem of Giles Scroggins and Molly + Brown--resumed._ + +The fatal operation of the unavoidable, ever-impending, ruthless shears of +the stern controller of human destiny, and curtailer of human life--the +action by which + + "Fate's scissors cut Giles Scroggins' thread," + +or rather the thread of Giles Scroggins' life, at once and most completely +establishes the wholesome moral as to the fearful uncertainty of all +sublunary anticipations, and stands forth a beautiful beacon to warn the +over-weaning "worldly wisemen" from their often too-fondly-cherished +dreams of realising, by their own means and appliances, the darling +projects of their ambitious hopes! + +The immediate effect of the operation performed by Fate's scissors, or +rather by Fate herself--as she was the great and absolute disposer--to +whom the implement employed was but a matter of fancy; for had Fate so +chosen, a bucket, a bowie-knife, a brick-bat, a black cap, or a box of +patent pills, might, as well as her destructive shears, have made a tenant +for a yawning grave of doomed Giles Scroggins. We say, the immediate +effect arising from this cutting cause was one in which both parties--the +living bride and defunct bridegroom--were equally concerned, their lover's +co-partnership rendering each liable for the acts or accidents of the +other; therefore as may be (and we think is) clearly established, under +these circumstances, + + "They could _not_ be _mar-ri_-ed!" + +There is something deliciously affecting in the beautiful drawing out of +the last syllable!--it seems like the lingering of the heart's best +feelings upon the blighted prospects of its purest joys!--the ceremony +that would have completed the union of the loving maiden and admiring +swain, blending, as it were, like the twin prongs of a brass-bound +toasting-fork, their interests in one common cause. The ceremony of love's +concentration can never be performed! but the heart-feeling poet extends +each tiny syllable even to its utmost stretch, that the tear-dropping +reader may, while gulping down his sympathies, make at least a handsome +mouthful of the word. + +We now approach, with considerable awe, a portion of our task to which we +beg to call the undivided attention of our erudite readers. Upon referring +to the original black-letter quarto, we find, after each particular +sentence, the author introduces, with consummate tact, a line, meant, as +we presume, as a kind of literary resting-place, upon which the delighted +mind might, in the sweet indulgence of repose, reflect with greater +pleasure on the thrilling parts, made doubly thrilling by the poet's fire. +The diversity of these, if we may so express them, "camp stools" of +imagination, is worthy of remark, both as to their application and +amplitude. For instance, after _one_ line, and that if perused with +attention, comparatively less abstruse than its fellows, the gifted poet +satisfies himself with the insertion of three sonorous, but really simple +syllables, they are invariably at follows-- + + "Too-ral-loo!" + +But when _two_ lines of the poem--burning with thought, bursting with +action--entrance by their sublimity the enraptured reader, greater time is +given, and more extended accommodation for a mental sit-down is afforded +in the elaborate and elongated composition of + + "Whack! fol-de-riddle lol-de-day!" + +These introductions are of a high classic origin. Many professors of +eminence have quarrelled as to whether they were not the original of the +"Greek chorus;" while others, of equal erudition, have as stoutly +maintained, though closely approximating in character and purpose, they +are not the "originals," but imitations, and decidedly admirable ones, +from those celebrated poets. + +A Mr. William Waters, a gentleman of immense travel, one who had left the +burning zone of the far East to visit the more chilling gales of a +European climate, a philosopher of the sect known as the "Peripatetic," a +devoted follower of the heathen Nine, whose fostering care has ever been +devoted to the tutelage of the professors of sweet sounds; and therefore +Waters was a high authority, declared in the peculiar _patois_ attendant +upon the pronunciation of a foreign mode of speech--that + + "Too-ral-loo" + +was to catch him wind! And + + "Whack! fol-de-riddle lol-de-day," + +to let "um rosin up him fuddlestick!" These deductions are practical, if +not poetical; but these are but the emanations from the brain of +one--hundreds of other commentators differ from his view. + +The most erudite linguists are excessively puzzled as to the nation whose +peculiar language has been resorted to for these singular and unequalled +introductions. The + + "Too-ral-loo" + +has been given up in despair. The nearest solution was that of an eminent +arithmetician, who conjectured from the word too (Anglice, _two_)--and the +use of the four cyphers--those immediately following the T and L--that +they were intended to convey some notion of the personal property of Giles +Scroggins or Molly Brown (he never made up his mind which of the two); and +merely wanted the following marks to render them plain:-- + +T--oo (_two_)--either shillings or pence--and L--oo: no pounds! + +This may or may not be right, but the research and ingenuity deserve the +immortality we now confer upon it. The other line, the + + "Whack! fol-de-riddle lol-de-day!" + +has, perhaps, given rise to far more controversy, with certainly less +tangible and satisfactory results. + +The scene of the poem not being expressly stated in the original or early +black-letter translation, many persons--whose love of country prompted +their wishes--have endeavoured to attach a nationality to these gordian +knots of erudition. An Hibernian gentleman of immense research--the +celebrated "Darby Kelly"--has openly asserted the whole affair to be +decidedly of Milesian origin: and, amid a vast number of corroborative +circumstances, strenuously insists upon the solidity of his premises and +deductions by triumphantly exclaiming, "What, or who but an _Irish_ poet +and an Irish hero, would commence a matter of so much consequence with the +soul-stirring "whack!" adopted by the great author, and put into the mouth +of his chosen hero?" Others again have supposed--which is also far more +improbable--that much of the obscurity of the above passage has its origin +from simple mis-spelling on the part of the poet's amanuensis--he taking +the literal dictation, forgetting the sublime author was suffering from a +cold in the head, which rendered the words in sound-- + + "Riddle _lol_ the lay;" + +whereas they would otherwise have been pronounced-- + + "Riddle--_all the day_"-- + +that being an absolute and positive allusion to the agricultural pursuits +of Giles Scroggins, he being generally employed by his more wealthy +master--a great agrarian of those times--in the manly though somewhat +fatiguing occupation of "riddling all the day:" an occupation which--like +this article--was to be frequently resumed. + + * * * * * + + +A NEW THEORY OF POCKETS. + + DEFINITION _Pocket_, s. the small bag inserted into + clothes.--WALKER (_a new edition, by Hookey_). + +We are great on the subject of pockets--we acknowledge it--we avow it. +From our youth upwards, and we are venerable now, we have made them the +object of untiring research, analysis, and speculation; and if our +exertions have occasionally involved us in contingent predicaments, or our +zeal laid us open to conventional misconstructions, we console ourselves +with Galileo and Tycho Brahe, who having, like us, discovered and arranged +systems too large for the scope of the popular intellect, like us, became +the martyrs of those great principles of science which they have +immortalized themselves by teaching. + +The result of a course of active and careful (s)peculations on the +philosophy and economy of pockets, has led us to the conviction that their +intention and use are but very imperfectly understood, even by the +intelligent and reflective section of the community. It is, we fear, a +very common error to regard them as conventional recesses, adapted for the +reception and deposit of such luxurious additaments to the attire as are +detached, yet accessory and indispensable ministers to our comfort. Now +this delusive supposition is diametrically opposed to the truth. Pockets +(we must be plain)--pockets are not made _to put into_, but to _take out +of_; and, although it is of course necessary that, in order to produce the +result of withdrawal, they be previously furnished with the wherewithal to +withdraw, yet the process of insertion and supply is only carried on for +the purpose of assisting the operation of the system. + +And having, we trust, logically established this point, we shall hazard no +incautious position in asserting that the man who empties a pocket, +fulfils the object for which it was founded and established. And although, +unhappily, a prejudice still exists in the minds of the uneducated, in +favour of emptying their own pockets themselves, it must be evident that +none but a narrow mind can take umbrage at the trifling acceleration of an +event which must inevitably occur; or would desire to appropriate the +credit of the distribution, as well as to deserve the merit of the supply. + +We perceive with concern and apprehension, that pockets are gradually +falling into disuse. To use the flippant idiom of the day, they are going +out! This is an alarming, as well as a lamentable fact; and one, too, +strikingly illustrative of the degeneracy of modern fashions. Whether we +ascribe the change to a contemptuous neglect of ancestral institutions, or +to an increasing difficulty in furnishing the indispensable attributes of +the pocket, it is alike indicative of a crisis; and we confess that it is +matter of astonishment to us, that in these days of theory and hypothesis, +no man has ventured to trace the distress and the ruin now impending over +the country, to the increasing disrespect and disuse of--pockets. + +By way of approving our conjecture, let us contrast the garments of the +hour with those of England in the olden time--long ago, when boards smoked +and groaned under a load of good things in every man's house; when the +rich took care of the poor, and the poor took care of themselves; when +husband and wife married for love, and lived happily (though that must +have been very long ago indeed); the athletic yeoman proceeded to his +daily toil, enveloped in garments instinct with pockets. The ponderous +watch--the plethoric purse--the massive snuff-box--the dainty +tooth-pick--the grotesque handkerchief; all were accommodated and +cherished in the more ample recesses of his coat; while supplementary fobs +were endeared to him by their more seductive contents: _as_ ginger +lozenges, love-letters, and turnpike-tickets. Such were the days on which +we should reflect with regret; such were the men whom we should imitate +and revere. Had such a character as we have endeavoured feebly to sketch, +met an individual enveloped in a shapeless cylindrical tube of pale +Macintosh--impossible for taste--incapable of pockets--indefinite and +indefinable--we question whether he would have regarded him in the light +of a maniac, an incendiary, or a foreign spy--whether he would not have +handed him immediately over to the exterminators of the law, as a being +too depraved, too degraded for human sympathy. And yet--for our prolixity +warns us to conclude--and yet the festering contagion of this baneful +example is now-a-days hidden under the mask of fashion. FASHION! and has +it indeed come to this? Is fashion to trample on the best and finest +feelings of our nature? Is fashion to be permitted to invade us in our +green lanes, and our high roads, under our vines and our fig-trees, +without hindrance, and without pockets? For the sake of human nature, we +hope not--for the sake of our bleeding country, we hope not. No! "Take +care of your pockets!" is one of the earliest maxims instilled into the +youthful mind; and emphatically do we repeat to our +fellow-countrymen--Englishmen, take care of your pockets! + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH'S THEATRE. + +[Illustration: C]Critics, as well as placemen, are occasionally +sinecurists, and, like the gentlemen of England immortalised by Dibdin, +are able, now and then, to "live at home at ease"--to dine (on dining +days) in comfort, not having to rise from table to give authors or actors +their dessert. This kind of novelty in our lives takes place when managers +produce no novelties in their theatres; when authors are lazy, and actors +do not come out in new parts but are contented with wearing out old +ones--when, in short, such an eventless theatrical week as the past one +leaves us to the enjoyment of our own hookahs, and the port of our +cellar-keeping friends. The play-bills seem to have been printed from +stereotype, for, like the laws of the Medes and Persians, they have never +altered--since our last report. + +This unexpected hot weather has visited the public with many a "Midsummer +night's dream," _although_ it is--and Covent Garden has opened _because_ +it is September; Sheridan's "Critic" has been very busy there, though +PUNCH'S has had nothing to do. "London Assurance" is still seen to much +advantage, and so is Madame Vestris. + +The Haymarket manager continues to wade knee-deep in tragedy, in spite of +the state of the weather. The fare is, however, too good for any change in +the _carte_. "Werner" forms a substantial standing dish. The "Boarding +School" makes a most palpable _entrée_; while "Bob Short," and "My Friend +the Captain," serve as excellent after-courses. The promises recorded in +the Haymarket bills are, a new tragedy by a new author, and an old comedy +called "Riches;" a certain hit, if the continued success of "Money" be any +criterion. + +It is with feelings of the most rabid indignation that we approach the +_Strand Theatre_, and the ruthless threat its announcements put forth of +the future destruction of the only legitimate drama that is now left +amongst us; that is to say, "PUNCH." When Thespis and his pupil Phynicus +"came out" at the feasts of Bacchus; when "Roscius was an actor in Rome;" +when Scaramouch turned the Materia Medica into a farce, and became a quack +doctor in Italy; when Richardson set up his show in England--all these +geniuses were peregrinate, peripatetic--their scenes were really moving +ones, their tragic woes went upon wheels, their comedies were run through +at the rate of so many miles per hour; the entire drama was, in fact, a +travelling concern. Punch, the concentrated essence of all these, has, up +to this date, preserved the pristine purity of his peripatetic fame; he +still remains on circuit, he still retains his legitimacy. But, alas! ere +this sheet has passed through the press, while its ink is yet as wet as +our dear Judy's eyes, he will have fallen from his high estate: Hall will +have housed him! Punch will have taken a stationary stand at the Strand +Theatre!! The last stroke will have been given to the only ancient drama +remaining, except the tragedies of Sophocles, and "Gammer Gurton's +Needle." + +With feelings of both sorrow and anger, we turn from the pedestrian to the +equestrian drama. The Surrey has again, as of yore, become the Circus; she +has been joined to Ducrow and his stud by the usual symbol of union--a +_ring_. "Mazeppa" is _ridden_ by Mr. Cartlitch, with great success, and +the wild horse performed by an animal so highly trained, that it is as +tame as a lap-dog--has galloped through a score or so of nights, to the +delight of some thousands of spectators. The scenes in the circle exhibit +the usual _round_ of entertainment, and the _Merryman_ delivers those +reliques of antique facetiæ which have descended to the clowns of the +ring from generation to generation, without the smallest innovation. Thus +the Surrey shows symptoms of high prosperity, and properly declines to fly +in Fortune's face by attempting novelty. + +The Victoria continues to kill "James Dawson," in spite of our prediction. +The bills, however, promise that he shall die outright on Monday next, and +a happy release it will be. The proprietor of "Sadler's Wells" is making +most spirited efforts to attract play-goers to the Islington side of the +New River, by a return to the legitimate drama of _his_ theatre, +viz.--real water; while his box check-taker has kept one important integer +of the public away; namely, that singular plural _we_--by impertinence for +which we have exhausted all patience without obtaining redress. + +There are, we hear, other theatres open in London, one called the "City of +London," somewhere near Shoreditch; another in Whitechapel, both _terræ +incognitæ_ to us. The proprietors of these have handsomely presented us +with free admissions. We beg them to accept our thanks for their courtesy; +but are sorry we cannot avail ourselves of it till they add the obligation +of providing us with _guides_. + + * * * * * + + +THE CORN LAWS AND CHRISTIANITY. + +Doctor Chalmers refused to attend the synod of Clergymen gathered together +to consider the relative value of the Big and Little Loaf, on the ground +that the reverend gentlemen were beginning their work at the wrong end. +Wages will go up with Christianity, says the Doctor; cheap corn will +follow the dissemination of cheap Bibles. "I know of no other road for the +indefinite advancement of the working classes to a far better +remuneration, and, of course, a far more liberal maintenance, in return +for their toils, than they have ever yet enjoyed--it is a _universal +Christian education_." Such are the words of Doctor CHALMERS. + +We perfectly agree with the reverend doctor. Instead of shipping +Missionaries to Africa, let us keep those Christian sages at home for the +instruction of the English Aristocracy. When we consider the benighted +condition of the elegant savages of the western squares,--when we reflect +upon the dreadful scepticism abounding in Park-lane, May-fair, +Portland-place and its vicinity,--when we contemplate the abominable idols +which these unhappy natives worship in their ignorance,--when we know that +every thought, every act of their misspent life is dedicated to a false +religion, when they make hourly and daily sacrifice to that brazen +serpent, + + SELF!-- + +when they offer up the poor man's sweat to the abomination,--when they lay +before it the crippled child of the factory,--when they take from life its +bloom and dignity, and degrading human nature to mere brute breathing, +make offering of its wretchedness as the most savoury morsel to the +perpetual craving of their insatiate god,--when we consider all the +"manifold sins and wickednesses" of the barbarians in purple and fine +linen, of those pampered savages "whose eyes are red with wine and whose +teeth white with milk,"--we do earnestly hope that the suggestion of +Doctor Chalmers will be carried into immediate practical effect, and that +Missionaries, preaching true Christianity, will be sent among the rich and +benighted people of this country,--so that the poor may believe that the +Scriptures are something more than mere printed paper, seeing their +glorious effects in the awakened hearts of those who, in the arrogance of +their old idolatry, called themselves their betters! + +"A universal Christian education!" To this end, the Bench of Bishops meet +at Lambeth; and discovering that locusts and wild honey--the Baptist's +diet--may be purchased for something less than ten thousand a year,--and, +after a minute investigation of the Testament, failing to discover the +name of St. Peter's coachmaker, or of St. Paul's footman, his valet, or +his cook,--take counsel one with another, and resolve to forego at least +nine-tenths of their yearly in-comings. "No!" they exclaim--and what +apostolic brightness beams in the countenance of CANTERBURY--what +celestial light plays about the fleshy head of LONDON--what more than +saint-like beauty surprises the cowslip-coloured face of EXETER--what +lambent fire, what looks of Christian love play about and beam from the +whole episcopal Bench!--"No!" they cry--"we will no longer have the spirit +oppressed by these cumbrous trappings of fleshy pride! We will promote an +universal Christian education--we will teach charity by examples, and live +unto all men by a personal abstinence from the bickerings and malice of +civil life. We will not defile the sacred lawn with the mud of turnpike +acts--we will no longer sweat in the House of Lords, but labour only in +the House of the Lord!" + +Their Christian hearts sweetly suffused with sudden meekness, the Bishops +proceed--staff in hand, and Bible under arm--from Lambeth Palace. How the +people make way for the holy procession! Hackney-coachmen on their stands +uncover themselves, and the drayman, surprised in his whistle, doffs his +beaver to the reverend pilgrims. With measured step and slow, they proceed +to Downing-street; the self-deputed Missionaries, resolved to give her +Majesty's ministers "a Christian education." Sir ROBERT PEEL is +immediately taken in hand by the Bishop of EXETER; who sets the Baronet to +learn and exemplify the practical beauties of the Lord's Prayer. When Sir +ROBERT comes to "give us this day our daily bread," he insists upon adding +the words "_with a sliding scale_." However, EXETER, animated by a sudden +flux of Christianity, keeps the baronet to his lesson, and the Premier is +regenerated; yea, is "a brand snatched from the fire." + +Lord LYNDHURST makes a great many wry mouths at some parts of the +Decalogue--we will not particularise them--but the Bishop of London is +resolute, and the new Lord Chancellor is, in all respects a bran-new +Christian. + +Lord STANLEY begs that when he prays for power to forgive all his enemies, +he may be permitted to except from that prayer--DANIEL O'CONNELL. The +Bishop is, however, inexorable; and O'Connell is to be prayed for, in all +churches visited by Lord STANLEY. + +Several of the bishops, smitten by the heathen darkness of the great +majority of the Cabinet--affected by their utter ignorance of the +practical working of Christianity--burst into tears. It will not be +credited by those disposed to think charitably of their fellow-creatures, +that--we state the melancholy fact upon the golden word of the Bishop of +EXETER--several Cabinet ministers had never heard of the divine sentence +which enjoins upon us to do to others as we would they should do unto us. +Sir JAMES GRAHAM, for instance, declared that he had always understood the +passage to simply run--"_Do_ others;" and had, therefore, in very many +acts of his political life, squared his doings according to the mutilated +sentence. All the Cabinet had, more or less, some idea of the miracle of +the Loaves and the Fishes. Indeed, many of them confessed that with them, +the Loaves and the Fishes had, during their whole political career, +contained the essence of Christianity. Sir EDWARD KNATCHBULL, Lord +ELLENBOROUGH, and GOULBURN declared that for the last ten years they had +hungered for nothing else. + +We cannot dwell upon every individual case of ignorance displayed in the +Cabinet. We confine ourselves to the glad statement, that every minister +from the first lord of the treasury to the grooms in waiting, vivified by +the sacred heat of their schoolmaster Bishops, illustrate the great truth +of Doctor CHALMERS, that the poor man can only obtain justice "by a +_universal_ Christian education." + +The Bench of Bishops do not confine their labours to the instruction of +the Cabinet. By no means. They have appointed prebends, deans, canons, +vicars, &c., to teach the members of both houses of Parliament practical +Christianity towards their fellow-men. Lord LONDONDERRY has sold his +fowling-piece for the benefit of the poor--has given his shooting-jacket +to the ragged beggar that sweeps the crossing opposite the Carlton +Club--and resolving to forego the vanities of grouse, is now hard at work +on "The Acts of the Apostles." Colonel SIBTHORP--after unceasing labour on +the part of Doctor CROLY--has managed to spell at least six of the hard +names in the first chapter of St. Matthew, and can now, with very slight +hesitation, declare who was the father of ZEBEDEE'S children! + +"An universal Christian education!" Oh, reader! picture to yourself +London--for one day only--operated upon by the purest Christianity. +Consider the mundane interests of this tremendous metropolis directed by +Apostolic principles! Imagine the hypocrisy of respectability--the +conventional lie--the allowed ceremonial deceit--the tricks of trade--the +ten thousand scoundrel subterfuges by which the lowest dealers of this +world purchase Bank-stock and rear their own pine-apples--the common, +innocent iniquities (innocent from their very antiquity, having been +bequeathed from sire to son) which men perpetrate six working-days in the +week, and after, lacker up their faces with a look of sleek humility for +the Sunday pew--consider all this locust swarm of knaveries annihilated by +the purifying spirit of Christianity, and then look upon London breathing +and living, for one day only, by the sweet, sustaining truth of the +Gospel! + +Had our page ten thousand times its amplitude, it would not contain the +briefest register of the changes of that day! + +There is a scoundrel attorney, who for thirty years has become plethoric +on broken hearts. The scales of leprous villany have fallen from him; and +now, an incarnation of justice, he sits with open doors, to pour oil into +the wounds of the smitten--to make man embrace man as his brother--to +preach lovingkindness to all the world, and--without a fee--to chant the +praises of peace and amity. + +_Crib_ the stockbroker meets _Horns_ a fellow-labourer in the same hempen +walk of life. _Crib_ offers to buy a little Spanish of _Horns_. "My dear +_Crib_," says _Horns_, "it is impossible; I can't sell; for I have just +received by a private hand from Cadiz, news that must send the stock down +to nothing. I am a Christian, my dear _Crib_," says _Horns_, "and as a +Christian, how could I sell you a certain loss?" + +A mistaken, but well-meaning man, although a tailor, meets his debtor in +Bow-street. A slight quarrel ensues; whereupon, the debtor (to show that +the days of chivalry are _not_ gone) kicks his tailor into the gutter. +Does the tailor take the offender before Mr. JARDINE? By no means. The +tailor is a Christian; and learning the exact measure of his enemy, and +returning good for evil, he, in three days' time, sends to his assailant a +new suit of the very best super Saxony. + +How many quacks we see rushing to the various newspaper offices to +countermand their advertisements! What gaps in the columns of the +newspapers themselves! Where is the sugary lie--the adroit slander--the +scoundrel meanness, masking itself with the usage of patriotism? All, all +are vanished, for--the _Morning Herald_ is published upon Christian +principles! + +Let us descend to the smallest matters of social life. "Will this gingham +wash?" asks _Betty_ the housemaid of _Twill_ the linen-draper. _Twill_ is +a Christian; and therefore replies, "it is a very poor article, and it +will _not_ wash!" + +We are with Doctor Chalmers for Christianity--but not Christianity of _one +side_. "Pray for those who despitefully use you," say the Corn Law +Apostles to the famishing; and then, cocking their eye at one another, and +twitching their tongues in their mouths they add--"for this is +Christianity!" + +Q. + + * * * * * + + +ENCOURAGEMENT OF NATIVE TALENT. + +Her Majesty has, it seems, presented the conductor of the _Gazette +Musicale_ with a gold medal and her portrait, as a reward for his constant +efforts in the cause of music (_vide Morning Post_, Sept. 9). From this, +it may be supposed, foreigners alone are deemed worthy of distinction; but +our readers will be glad to learn, that Rundells have been honoured with +an order for a silver whistle for PUNCH. His unceasing efforts in the +causes of _humbug_, political, literary, and dramatic, having drawn forth +this high mark of royal favour. + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH'S PENCILLINGS--NO. X. + +[Illustration: THE DINER-OUT.] + + * * * * * + + +THE OMEN OUTWITTED: + +OR, HOW HIS REVERENCE'S HEELS TOOK STEPS TO SAVE HIS HEAD. + + +"So, Dick, I mean your 'reverence,' you like the blessed old country as +well as ever, eh, lad?" + +"As well, ay, almost better. My return to it is like the meeting of +long-parted friends--the joy of the moment is pure and unalloyed--all +minor faults are forgotten--all former goodness rushes with double force +from the recollection to the heart, and the renewal of old fellowship +grafts new virtues (the sweet fruits of regretted absence) upon him who +has been the chosen tenant of our 'heart of hearts.'" + +"His reverence's health--three times three (empty them heeltaps, Jack, and +fill out of the fresh jug)--now, boys, give tongue. That's the raal thing; +them cheers would wake the seven sleepers after a dose of laudanum. Bless +you, and long life to you! That's the worst wish you'll find here." + +"I know that right well, uncle. I know it, feel it, and most heartily +thank you all." + +"Enough said, parson. By dad, Dick, its mighty droll to be calling you, +that was but yesterday a small curly-pated gossoon, by that clerical +mouthful of a handle to your name. But do you find us altered much?" + +"There is no change but Time's--that has fallen lightly. To be sure, +yesterday I was looking for the heads of my strapping cousins at the +bottom button of their well-filled waistcoats, and, before Jack's arrival, +meant to do a paternal and patriarchal 'pat' on his, at somewhere about +that altitude; a ceremony he must excuse, as the little lad of my mind has +thought proper to expand into a young Enniskillen of six feet three." + +"He's a mighty fine boy--the lady-killing vagabone!" said the father, with +a kind look of gratified pride; and then added, as if to stop the +infection of the vanity, "and there's no denying he's big enough to be +better." Here a slight scrimmage at the door of the dining-room attracted +the attention of the "masther." + +"What's the meaning of that noise, ye vagabones?" + +"Spake up, Mickey." + +"Is it me?" "It is." "Not at all, by no means. Let Paddy do it, or Tim +Carroll; they're used to going out wid the car, and don't mind spaking to +the quality." "Take yourselves out o'that, or let me know what you want, +and be pretty quick about it, too." + +The result of this order was the appearance of Tim Carroll in the centre +of the room--a dig between the shoulders, and vigorously-applied kick +behind, hastening him into that somewhat uneasy situation, with a degree +of expedition perfectly marvellous. + +"Spake out, what is it?" "Ahem!" commenced Tim; "you see, sir (_aside_), +I'll be even wid you for that kick, you thief of the world--you see, Paddy +(bad manners to him) and the rest o' the boys, was thinking that, owing to +the change o' climate, Master Richard--that is, his new riverence--has +gone through by rason of laving England and comin' here--and mighty could, +no doubt, he was on the journey--be praised he's safe--the boy, sir, was +thinkin', masther dear, it was nothing but their duty, and what was due to +the family, to ax your honour's opinion about their takin' the smallest +taste of whiskey in life, jist to be drinking his riverence's Masther +Richard's health, and"--"Success to him!" shouted the chorus at the door. +"That's it!" said the masther. "And nothing but it!" responded the chorus. +"Nelly, my jewel! take the kays and give them anything in dacency!" +"Hurrah! smiling good luck to you, for ever and afther!" "That'll do, +boys! but stay: it's Terence Conway's wedding night--it's a good tenant +he's been to me--take the sup down there, and you'll get a dance; now be +off, you devils!" + +"Many thanks to your honour!" chorused the delighted group; and "I done +that iligant, anyhow," muttered the gratified, successful, and, therefore, +forgiving orator. "I'll try again. Ahem! wouldn't the young gentlemen just +step down for a taste?" "By all manes!" was chimed at once; their hats +were mounted in a moment, and off they set. + +Terence Conway's farm was soon reached; the barn affording the most +accommodation for the numerous visitors, was fitted up for the occasion. +It was nearly full, as Terence was a popular man--one that didn't grudge +the "bit and sup," and never turned his back upon friend or foe. Loud and +hearty were the cheers of the delighted tenantry, as the three sons of +their beloved landlord passed the threshold. The appearance of the +"stranger" was received with no such demonstrations of welcome; on the +contrary, there was a sullen silence, soon after broken by suppressed and +angry murmurs. These were somewhat appeased by one of the sons introducing +his "cousin," and endeavouring to joke the peasants into good-humour, by +laughingly assuring them his "reverence" was but a bad drinker, and would +not deprive them of much of the poteen; then passing his arm through the +parson's, he led the way, as it afterwards turned out, rather +unfortunately, to the top of the barn, and there, followed by his +brothers, they took their seats. + +The entrance of the Catholic priest (a most amiable man) at this moment +attracted the entire attention of the party, during which time Tim Carroll +elbowed his way to the place where his master was seated, and calling him +partially aside, whispered, "Master John, dear, tell his riverence, Master +Richard, to go." + +"What for?" + +"Sure, is not he entirely in black?" + +"Well, what of it?" + +"What of it? Houly Paul! the likes o' that! If my skin was as hard as a +miser's heart, I wouldn't put it into a black coat, and come to a wedding +in it; it's the devil's own bad omen, and nothing else!" + +"You are right! What a fool I was not to tell Dick! Cousin, a word!" + +Here the clamour became somewhat louder, the priest taking an active part, +and speaking rapidly and earnestly in their native tongue to the evidently +excited peasantry. He suddenly broke from them, and hastening to the +Protestant clergyman, grasped his hand, and, shaking it heartily, wished +him "health, long life, and happiness:" and lifting a tumbler of punch to +his lips, drank off nearly half its contents, exclaiming the customary, +"God save all here!" He then presented the liquor to the stranger, saying +in a low earnest voice, "Drink that toast, sir!" + +This order was instantly complied with. The clear tones of the young man's +unfaltering voice and the hearty cordiality of his utterance had a +singular effect upon the more turbulent; the priest passed rapidly from +the one to the other, and endeavoured to say something pleasant to all, +but, despite his attempts at calmness, he was evidently ill at ease. + +Tim Carroll again sidled up to his young master. + +"The boys mane harrum, sir," said Tim; "but never mind, there's five of us +here. We've not been idle, we've all been taking pick o' the sticks, and +divil a stroke falls upon one of the ould ancient family widout showing a +bruck head or a flat back for it." + +"What am I to understand by this?" inquired the young stranger. + +"That you're like Tom Fergusson when he rode the losing horse--you've +mounted the wrong colour; and, be dad, you are pretty well marked down for +it, sir; but never mind, there's Tim Carroll looking as black as the +inside of a sut-bag. Let him come on! he peeled the skin off them shins o' +mine at futball; maybe, I won't trim his head with black thorn for that +same, if he's any ways obstropolis this blessed night." + +"Silence, sir! neither my inclination nor sacred calling will allow me to +countenance a broil! I have been the first offender--to attempt to leave +the room now would but provoke an attack; leave this affair to me, and +don't interfere." + +"By the powers! if man or mortal lifts his hand to injure you, I'll smash +the soul out of him! Do you think, omen or no omen, I'll stand by and see +you harmed?--not a bit of it! If you are a parson and a child of peace, I +have the honour to be a soldier, and claim my right to battle in your +cause." + +Maugre the pacific tone of the unfortunately-accoutered ecclesiastic, +there was something of defiance in his flashing eye and crimson cheek, as +he turned his brightening glance upon what might almost be called the host +of his foes; and the nervous pressure which returned the grasp of his +cousin's sinewy hand, spoke something more of readiness for battle than +could have been gathered from his expressed wishes. + +"If, Jack, it comes to that, why, as human nature is weak--excuse what I +may feel compelled to do; but for the present pray oblige me by keeping +your seat and the peace; or, if you must move and fidget about, go and +make that pugnacious Tim Carroll as decent as you can." + +"I'll be advised by you, Dick; but look out!" So saying, the stalwart +young officer bustled his way to the uproarious Tim. + +It was well he did so, or bloodshed must have ensued, as at that moment a +tall and powerful man, brother-in-law to the bride, lifted his stick, and +after giving it the customary twirl aimed a point-blank blow at the head +of the ill-omened parson. The bound of an antelope brought the girl to the +spot; her small hand averted the direction of the deadly weapon, and +before the action had been perceived by any present, or the attempt could +be resumed, she dropped a curtesy to the assailant, and in a loud voice, +with an affected laugh, exclaimed-- + +"You, if you plaise, sir;" and, turning quickly to the fiddler, continued: +"Any tune you like, Mr. Murphy, sir; but, good luck to you, be quick, or +we won't have a dance to-night!" + +"Clear the floor!--a dance! a dance!" shouted every one. + +In a few seconds the angry scowl had passed from the flushed cheeks of Dan +Sheeny, and there he was, toe and heeling, double shuffling, and cutting +it over the buckle, to the admiration of all beholders. The bride was +seated near the stranger--he perceived this, and suddenly quitting his +place, danced up to her, and nodding, as he stopped for a moment, invited +her to join him. She was ever light of foot, and, as she said afterwards, +"would have danced her life out but she'd give the poor young gentleman a +chance." Long and vigorously did Dan Sheeny advance, retire, curvette, and +caper. The whiskey and exertion at length overcame him, and he left the +lady sole mistress of the floor. By this time murmurs had again arisen, +and all eyes were turned upon the intruder, who had been intently engaged +observing the dancers. It was an accomplishment for which he had been +celebrated previous to his taking orders, and the old feeling so strongly +interested him, that he was absorbed in the pleasure of witnessing the +activity and joyousness of the performers. He turned his head for an +instant--a heavy hand was laid upon his shoulder. On his starting up, he +saw nothing but the smiling Norah pressing the arm of a tall peasant, and +curtseying him a challenge to join her "on the floor." He paused for a +moment, then gaily taking her hand, advanced with her to the centre. All +eyes were bent upon them, but there was no restraint in the young parson's +manner. The most popular jig-tune was called for--to it they went; his +early-taught and well-practised feet beat living echoes to the most rapid +bars. A foot of ground seemed ample space for all the intricate +compilation of the _raal_ Conamera "capers." The tune was changed again +and again; again and again was his infinity of steps adapted to its +varying sounds: to use a popular phrase, you might have heard a pin drop. +Every mouth was closed, every eye fixed upon his rapid feet; and, when at +length wearied with exertion, the almost fainting girl was falling to the +earth, her gallant partner caught her in his arms, and, like an infant, +bore her to the open air, one loud and general cheer burst from their +unclosed lips; a few moments restored the pretty lass to perfect health. +Her first words were, "Leave me, sir, and save yourself." It was too late; +borne on the shoulders of the admiring mob, who, despite his suit of +sables (now rendered innoxious by the varying colour of the crimson +kerchief the young bride bound round his neck), he was soon seated in the +chair of honour, and there, surrounded by his friends, finished the night +the "lion of the dance." And thus it was that his "Reverence's heels took +steps to preserve his head."--FUSBOS + + * * * * * + + +TRANSACTIONS AND YEARLY REPORT. OF THE HOOKHAM-CUM-SNIVEY LITERARY, +SCIENTIFIC, AND MECHANICS' INSTITUTION. + +(_Continued from our last._) + +An important and advantageous arrangement in the transactions of the +society, since its foundation, has been the institution of the classes +"for the acquisition of a general smattering of everything," more +especially as concerning the younger branches of society. It is, however, +much to be regretted, that the public examination of the juvenile members, +upon the subjects they had listened to during the past course, did not +turn out so well as the committee could have wished. The various +professors had taken incredible pains to teach the infant philosophers +correct answers to the separate questions that would be asked them, in +order that they might reply with becoming readiness. Unfortunately the +examiner began at the wrong end of the class, and threw them all out, +except the middle one. We sub-join a few of the questions:-- + +State the distance, in miles, from the Hanwell Lunatic Asylum to the +Tuesday in Easter week, and show how long a man would be going from one to +the other, if he travelled at the rate of four gallons a minute. + +Required to know the advantages of giving tracts to poor people who cannot +read, and how many are equivalent to a sliding-scale penny buster, in the +way of nourishment. + +"Was Lord John Russell in his Windsor uniform, ever mistaken for a +two-penny postman; if so, what great man imagined the affinity? + +[Illustration: Best Pigtail] + +The School of Design and Drawing has made very creditable progress, and +the subscribers will be gratified in learning, that one of the pupils sent +in a design for the Nelson Testamonial, which would in all probability +have been accepted, had not the decision been made in the usual +preconcerted underhand manner. Following the columnar idea of Mr. Railton, +our talented pupil had put forth a peculiarly appropriate idea: the shaft +would have been formed by a sea-telescope of gigantic proportions, pulled +out to its utmost extent. On the summit of this Nelson would have been +seated, as on the maintop, smoking his pipe, from which real smoke would +have issued. This would have been produced by a stove at the bottom of the +column, whose object was to furnish a steady supply of baked potatoes, +uninfluenced by the fluctuations of the market, to the cabmen of +Trafalgar-square, and the street-sweepers at Charing-cross. The artist who +designed the elegant structure at King's-cross, which partakes so +comprehensively of the attributes of a pump, a watch-house, a lamp-post, +and a turnpike, would have superintended its erection, and a carved +figure-head might have been purchased, for a mere song, to crown the +elevation. It would not have much mattered whether the image was intended +for Nelson or not, because, from its extreme elevation, no one, without a +spy-glass, could have told one character from another--Thiers from Lord +John Russell, George Steevens from Shakspere, Muntz from the Duke of +Brunswick, or anybody else. + +THE MUSEUM. + +The museum of the institution has been gradually increasing in valuable +additions, and donations are respectfully requested from families having +any dust-collecting articles about their houses which they are anxious to +get rid of. + +The first curiosities presented were, of course, those which have formed +the nucleus of every museum that was ever established, and consisted of +"South Sea Islander's paddles and spears, North American mocassins and +tomahawks, and Sandwich (not in Kent, but in the Pacific Ocean) canoes and +fishing-tackle. In addition, we have received the following, which the +society beg to acknowledge:-- + +The jaw-bone of an animal, supposed to be a cow, found two feet below the +surface, in digging for the Great Western Railway, near Slough. + +Farthing, penny, and sixpence, of the reign of George the Fourth. + +Piece of wood from the red-funnel steam-boat sunk off the Isle of Dogs, in +August, 1841, which had been under water nearly six days. + +A variety of articles manufactured from the above, sufficient to build a +boat twelve times the size, may be purchased of the librarian. + +A floor-tile, in excellent preservation, from the old Hookham-cum-Snivey +workhouse kitchen, before the new union was built. + +Specimens of pebbles collected from the gravel-pits at Highgate, and a +valuable series of oyster-shells, discovered the day after +Bartholomew-fair, near the corner of Cock-lane. + +A small lizard, caught in the Regent's-park, preserved in gin-and-water, +in a soda-water bottle, and denominated by the librarian "a heffut." + +LIBRARY. + +Advertisement half of a _Times_ newspaper for March, 1838. + +Playbill of the English Opera during Balfe's management, supposed to be +that of the memorable night when 16l. 4s. was taken, in hard cash, at +the doors. + +View of the Execution of the late Mr. Greenacre in front of Newgate, +published by Catnach, from a drawing by an unknown artist. (_Very rare!_) + +MS. pantomime, refused at the Haymarket, entitled "Harlequin and the +Hungarian Daughter; or, All My Eye and Betty Martinuzzi," with the whole +of the songs, choruses, and incidental combats and situations. Presented +by the author, in company with a receipt for red and green fire. + +Bound copy of Sermons preached at Hookham-cum-Snivey Church, by the +Reverend Peter Twaddle, on the occasions, of building a dusthole for the +national schools; of outfitting the missionaries who are exported annually +to be eaten by the Catawampous Indians; on the death of Mr. Grubly, the +retired cheesemonger, who endowed the weathercock; and in aid of the funds +of the "newly-born-baby-clothes-bag-and-basket-institution:" printed at +the desire of his, "he fears, in this instance, too partial" parishioners, +and presented by himself. + + * * * * * + + +OUR FOREIGN RELATIONS. + +The treaty of the four powers, to which Chelsea, Battersea, Brompton, and +Wandsworth are parties, and from which Pimlico has hitherto obstinately +stood aloof, has at length been ratified by the re-entry of that impetuous +suburb into the general views of Middlesex. We have now a right to call +upon Pimlico to disarm, and to cut off its extra watchman with a +promptitude that shall show the sincerity with which it has joined the +neighbouring powers in the celebrated treaty of Kensington. It is already +known that, by this document, Moses Hayley is recognised as hereditary +beadle, and Abraham Parker is placed in undisturbed possession of the post +of waterman on the coach-stand in the outskirts. We are not among those +who expect to find a spirit of propagandism prevailing in the policy of +the powers of Pimlico. The lamplighter who lights the district is a man of +sound discernment, and there is everything to hope from the moderation he +has always exhibited. + + * * * * * + + +SIBTHORP ON THE CORN LAW. + +Sibthorp came out in full fig at Sir Robert Peel's dinner. While he was +having his hair curled, and the irons were heating, he asked the two-penny +operator what was his opinion of the corn-law question. The barber's +answer suggested the following con.:-- + +"Why am I like a man eating a particular sort of fancy bread?"--"Because," +answered the tonsor, "you are having + +[Illustration: A TWOPENNY TWIST"] + +This reply made the Colonel's hair stand on end, taking it quite out of +curl. + + * * * * * + + +FISH SAUCE. + +The boy Jones, in one of his visits to the Palace, to avoid detection, +secreted himself up the kitchen chimney. The intense heat necessary for +the preparation of a large dish of white-bait for her Majesty's dinner +compelled him to relax his hold, and in an instant he was precipitated +among the Blackwall delicacies. The indignant cook immediately demanded +"his business there." "Don't you see," observed the younker, "I'm + +[Illustration: ONE OF THE FRY?"] + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH'S INFORMATION FOR THE PEOPLE. + +NO. 4. + +NATURAL HISTORY. + +_Definition._--The history of "naturals"--which chiefly include the human +species--and of "simples" (herbs), occupies the branch of science we are +about to enlighten our readers upon. It treats, in fact, of animated +nature; while physical history--instead of being the history of +Apothecaries' Hall, as many suppose--deals exclusively with inanimate +matter. + +_Of genus, species, and orders._--If, in the vegetable world, we commence +with the buttercup, and trace all the various kinds and sizes of plants +that exist, up to the pine (Norwegian), and down again to the hautboy +(Cormack's Princesses); if, among the lower animals, we begin with a gnat +and go up to an elephant, or select from the human species a Lord John +Russell, and place him beside a professor Whewell, we shall see that +nature provides an endless variety of all sorts of everything. Now, to +render a knowledge of everything in natural history as difficult of +acquirement as possible to everybody, the scientific world divides nature +into the above-mentioned classes, to which Latin names are given. For +instance, it would be vulgarly ridiculous to call a "cat" by its right +name; and when one says "cat," a dogmatic naturalist is justified in +thinking one means a lion or tiger, both these belonging to the _cat_egory +of "cats;" hence, a "cat" is denominated, for shortness, _felis +Ægyptiacus;_ an ass is turned into a horse, by being an _equus_; a woman +into a man, for with him she is equally _homo_. + +Of this last species it is our purpose exclusively to treat. The variety +of it we commence with is, + +THE BARBER (_homo emollientissimus_.--TRUEFIT). + +_Physical structure and peculiarities_.--The most singular peculiarity of +the barber is, that although, in his avocations, he always is what is +termed a "strapper," yet his stature is usually short. His tongue, +however, makes up for this deficiency, being remarkably long,--a beautiful +provision of nature; for while he is seldom called upon to use his legs +with rapidity, his lingual organ is always obliged to be on the "run." His +eyes are keen, and his wits sharp; his mouth is tinged with humour, and +his hair--particularly when threatening to be gray--with _poudre unique_. +Manner, prepossessing; crop, close; fingers, dirty; toes, turned out. He +seldom indulges in whiskers, for his business is to shave. + +1. _Habits, reproduction, and food._--A singular uniformity of _habits_ is +observable amongst barbers. They all live in shops curiously adorned with +play-bills and pomatum-pots, and use the same formulary of conversation to +every new customer. All are politicians on both sides of every subject; +and if there happen to be three sides to a question, they take a +triangular view of it. + +2. _Reproduction._--Some men are born barbers, others have barberism +thrust upon them. The first class are brought forth in but small numbers, +for shavers seldom pair. The second take to the razor from disappointment +in trade or in love. This is evident, from the habits of the animal when +alone, at which period, if observed, a deep, mysterious, melo-dramatic +gloom will be seen to overspread his countenance. He is essentially a +social being; company is as necessary to his existence as beards. + +3. _Food._--Upon this subject the most minute researches of the most +prying naturalists have not been able to procure a crumb of information. +That the barber does eat can only be inferred; it cannot be proved, for no +person was ever known to catch him in the act; if he does masticate, he +munches in silence and in secret[1]. + + [1] Not so of drinking. Only last week we saw, with our own eyes, a + pot of ale in a barber's shop; and very good ale it was, too, + for we tasted it. + +_Geographical distribution of barbers._--Although the majority of +barbers live near the _pole_, they are pretty diffusely disseminated +over the entire face of the globe. The advance of civilization has, +however, much lessened their numbers; for we find, wherever valets are +kept, barbers are not; and as the magnet turns towards the north, they +are attracted to the east. In St. James's, the shaver's "occupation's +gone;" but throughout the whole of Wapping, the distance is very short + +[Illustration: "FROM POLE TO POLE."] + + * * * * * + + +A LECTURE ON MORALITY.--BY PUNCH. + +Moral philosophers are the greatest fools in the world. I am a moral +philosopher; I am no fool though. Who contradicts me? If any, speak, and +come within reach of my cudgel. I am a moral philosopher of a new school. +The schoolmaster is abroad, and I am the schoolmaster; but if anybody says +that _I_ am abroad, I will knock him down. I am _at home_. And now, good +people, attend to me, and you will hear something worth learning. + +The reason why I call all moral philosophers fools is, because they have +not gone properly to work. Each has given his own peculiar notions, +merely, to the world. Now, different people have different opinions: some +like apples, and others prefer another sort of fruit, with which, no +doubt, many of you are familiar. "Who shall decide when doctors disagree?" + +My system of morality is the result of induction. I am very fond of +Bacon--I mean, the Bacon recommended to you by the "Society for the +Diffusion of Useful Knowledge"--_Lord_ Bacon. I therefore study the +actions of mankind, and draw my inferences accordingly. The people whose +conduct I attend to are those who get on best in the world; for the object +of all morality is to make ourselves happy, and as long as we are so, +what, my good friends, does it signify? + +The first thing that you must do in the study of morals is, to get rid of +all prejudices. Bacon and I quite agree upon this point. By prejudices I +mean your previous notions concerning right and wrong. + +Dr. Johnson calls morality "the doctrine of the duties of life." In this +definition I agree. The doctor was a clever man. I very much admire the +knock-down arguments that he was so fond of; it is the way in which I +usually reason myself. Now the duties of life are two-fold--our duty to +others and our duty to ourselves. Our duty to ourselves is to make +ourselves as comfortable as possible; our duty to others, is to make them +assist us to the best of their ability in so doing. This is the plan on +which all respectable persons act, and it is one which I have always +followed myself. What are the consequences? See how popular I am; and, +what is more, observe how fat I have got! Here is a corporation for you! +Here is a leg! What think you of such a cap as this? and of this +embroidered coat? Who says that I am not a fine fellow, and that my system +is not almost as fine? Let him argue the point with me, if he dare! + +Happiness consists in pursuing our inclinations without disturbance, and +without getting into trouble. Make it, then, your first rule of conduct +always to do exactly as you please; that is, if you can. I am not like +other moralists, who talk in one way and act in another. What I advise you +to do, is nothing more than what I practise myself, as you have very often +observed, I dare say. + +Be careful to show, invariably, a proper respect for the laws; that is to +say, when you do anything illegal, take all the precautions that you can +against being found out. Here, perhaps, my example is somewhat at variance +with my doctrine; but I am stronger, you know, than the executive, and +therefore, instead of my respecting it, it ought to respect me. + +Be sure to keep a quiet conscience. In order that you may secure this +greatest of blessings, never allow yourselves to regret any part of your +past behaviour; and whenever you feel tempted to do so, take the readiest +means that you can think of to banish reflection, or, as Lord Byron very +properly terms it-- + + "The blight of life, the demon Thought!" + +You have observed that, after having knocked anybody on the head, I +generally begin to dance and sing. This I do, not because I am troubled +with any such weakness as remorse, but in order to instruct you. I do not +mean to say that you are to conduct yourselves precisely in the same +manner under similar circumstances; a pipe, or a pot, or a pinch of +snuff--in short, any means of diversion--will answer your purpose equally +well. + +Adhere strictly to truth--whenever there is no occasion for lying. Be +particularly careful to conceal no one circumstance likely to redound to +your credit. But when two principles clash, the weaker, my good people, +must, as the saying is, go to the wall. If, therefore, it be to your +interest to lie, do so, and do it boldly. No one would wear false hair who +had hair of his own; but he who has none, must, of course, wear a wig. I +do not see any difference between false hair and false assertions; and I +think a lie a very useful invention. It is like a coat or a pair of +breeches, it serves to clothe the naked. But do not throw your +falsifications away: I like a proper economy. Some silly persons would +have you invariably speak the truth. My friends, if you were to act in +this way, in what department of commerce could you succeed? How could you +get on in the law? what vagabond would ever employ you to defend his +cause? What practice do you think you would be likely to procure as a +physician, if you were to tell every old woman who fancied herself ill, +that there was nothing the matter with her, or to prescribe abstinence to +an alderman, as a cure for indigestion? What would be your prospect in the +church, where, not to mention a few other little trifles, you would have, +when you came to be made a bishop, to say that you did not wish to be any +such thing? No, my friends, truth is all very well when the telling of it +is convenient; but when it is not, give me a bouncing lie. But that one +lie, object the advocates of uniform veracity, will require twenty more to +make it good: very well, then, tell them. Ever have a due regard to the +sanctity of oaths; this you will evince by never using them to support a +fiction, except on high and solemn occasions, such as when you are about +to be invested with some public dignity. But avoid any approach to a +superstitious veneration for them: it is to keep those thin-skinned and +impracticable individuals who are infected by this failing from the +management of public affairs, that they have been, in great measure, +devised. + +Never break a promise, unless bound to do so by a previous one; and +promise yourselves from this time forth never to do anything that will put +you to inconvenience. + +Never take what does not belong to you. For, as a young pupil who formerly +attended these lectures pathetically expressed himself, he furnishing, at +the time, in his own person, an illustration of the maxim-- + + "Him as prigs wot isn't his'n, + Ven 'a's cotch must go to pris'n!" + +But what is it that does _not_ belong to you? I answer, whatever you +cannot take with impunity. Never fail, however, to appropriate that which +the law does not protect. This is a duty which you owe to yourselves. And +in order that you may thoroughly carry out this principle, procure, if you +can, a legal education; because there are a great many flaws in titles, +agreements, and the like, the knowledge of which will often enable you to +lay hands upon various kinds of property to which at first sight you might +appear to have no claim. Should you ever be so circumstanced as to be +beyond the control of the law, you will, of course, be able to take +whatever you want; because there will be nothing then that will _not_ +belong to you. This, my friends, is a grand moral principle; and, as +illustrative of it, we have an example (as schoolboys say in their themes) +in Alexander the Great; and besides, in all other conquerors that have +ever lived, from Nimrod down to Napoleon inclusive. + +Speak evil of no one behind his back, unless you are likely to get +anything by so doing. On the contrary, have a good word to say, if you +can, of everybody, provided that the person who is praised by you is +likely to be informed of the circumstance. And, the more to display the +generosity of your disposition, never hesitate, on convenient occasions, +to bestow the highest eulogies on those who do not deserve them. + +Be abstemious--in eating and drinking at your own expense; but when you +feed at another person's, consume as much as you can possibly digest. + +Let your behaviour be always distinguished by modesty. Never boast or +brag, when you are likely to be disbelieved; and do not contradict your +superiors--that is to say, when you are in the presence of people who are +richer than yourselves, never express an opinion of your own. + +Live peaceably with all mankind, if you can; but, as you cannot, endeavor, +as the next best thing, to settle all disputes as speedily as possible, by +coming, without loss of time, to blows; provided always that the debate +promises to be terminated, by reason of your superior strength, in your +own favour, and that you are not likely to be taken up for knocking +another person down. It is very true that I, individually, _never_ shun +this kind of discussion, whatever may be the strength and pretensions of +my opponent; but then, I enjoy a consciousness of superiority over the +whole world, which you, perhaps, may not feel, and which might, in some +cases, mislead you. I think, however, that a supreme contempt for all but +yourselves is a very proper sentiment to entertain; and, from what I +observe of the conduct of certain teachers, I imagine that this is what is +meant by the word humility. You must, nevertheless, be careful how you +display it; do so only when you see a probability of overawing and +frightening those around you, so as to make them contributors to the great +aim of your existence--self-gratification. + +Be firm, but not obstinate. Never change your mind when the result of the +alteration would be detrimental to your comfort and interest; but do not +maintain an inconvenient inflexibility of purpose. Do not, for instance, +in affairs of the heart, simply because you have declared, perhaps with an +oath or two, that you will be constant till death, think it necessary to +make any effort to remain so. The case stands thus: you enter into an +agreement with a being whose aggregate of perfections is expressible, we +will say, by 20. Now, if they would always keep at that point, there might +be some reason for your remaining unaltered, namely, your not being able +to help it. But suppose that they dwindle down to 19-1/2, the person, that +is, the whole sum of the qualities admired, no longer exists, and you, of +course, are absolved from your engagement. But mind, I do not say that you +are justified in changing _only_ in case of a change on the opposite side: +you may very possibly become simply tired. In this case, your prior +promise to yourself will absolve you from the performance of the one in +question. + +And now, my good friends, before we part, let me beg of you not to allow +yourselves to be diverted from the right path by a parcel of cant. You +will hear my system stigmatised as selfish; and I advise you, whenever you +have occasion to speak of it in general society, to call it so too. You +will thus obtain a character for generosity; a very desirable thing to +have, if you can get it cheap. Selfish, indeed! is not self the axis of +the earth out of which you were taken? The fact is, good people, that just +as notions the very opposite of truth have prevailed in matters of +science, so have they, likewise, in those of morals. A set of +impracticable doctrines, under the name of virtue, have been preached up +by your teachers; and it is only fortunate that they have been practised +by so few; those few having been, almost to a man, poisoned, strangled, +burnt, or worse treated, for their pains. + +But here comes the police, to interfere, as usual, with the dissemination +of useful truths. Farewell, my good people; and whenever you are disposed +for additional instruction, I can only say that I shall be very happy to +afford it to you for a reasonable consideration. + + * * * * * + + +A BOWER OF BLISS IN STANGATE. + + Oh, fly to the Bower--fly with me.--OLD OR NEW SONG (_I forget which_). + +If you take a walk over Waterloo-bridge, and, after going straight on for +some distance, turn to the right, you will find yourself in the New-Cut, +where you may purchase everything, from a secretaire-bookcase to a +saveloy, on the most moderate terms possible. The tradesmen of the New-Cut +are a peculiar class, and the butchers, in particular, seem to be brimming +over with the milk of human kindness, for every female customer is +addressed as "My love," while every male passer-by is saluted with the +friendly greeting of "Now, old chap, what can I do for you?" The +greengrocers in this "happy land" earnestly invite the ladies to "pull +away" at the mountains of cabbages which their sheds display, while little +boys on the pavement offer what they playfully designate "a plummy +ha'p'orth," of onions to the casual passenger. + +At the end of the New-Cut stands the Marsh-gate, which, at night, is all +gas and ghastliness, dirt and dazzle, blackguardism and brilliancy. The +illumination of the adjacent gin-palace throws a glare on the haggard +faces of those who are sauntering outside. Having arrived thus far, watch +your opportunity, by dodging the cabs and threading the maze of omnibuses, +to effect a crossing, when you will find Stangate-street, _running out_, +as some people say, of the Westminster-road; though of the fact that a +street ever ran out of a road, we take leave to be sceptical. + +Well, go on down this Stangate-street, and when you get to the bottom, you +will find, on the left-hand, THE BOWER! And a pretty bower it is, not of +leaves and flowers, but of bricks and mortar. It is not + + "A bower of roses by Bendermere's stream, + With the nightingale singing there all the day long; + In the days of my childhood 'twas like a sweet dream, + To sit 'mid the roses and hear the birds' song. + That bower, and its music, I never forget: + But oft, when alone, at the close of the year, + I think is the nightingale singing there yet, + Are the roses still fresh by the calm Bendermere?" + +No, there is none of this sentimental twaddle about the Bower to which we +are alluding. There are no roses, and no nightingale; but there are lots +of smoking, and plenty of vocalists. We will paraphrase Moore, since we +can hardly do less, and we may say, with truth, + + "There's a Bower in Stangate's respectable street, + There's a company acting there all the night long; + In the days of my childhood, egad--what a treat! + To listen attentive to some thundering song. + That Bower and its concert I never forget; + But oft when of halfpence my pockets are clear, + I think, are the audience sitting there yet, + Still smoking their pipes, and imbibing their beer?" + +Upon entering the door, you are called on to pay your money, which is +threepence for the saloon and sixpence for the boxes. The saloon is a +large space fitted up something like a chapel, or rather a court of +justice; there being in front of each seat a species of desk or ledge, +which, in the places last named would hold prayer-books or papers, but at +the Bower are designed for tumblers and pewter-pots. The audience, like +the spirits they imbibe, are very much mixed; the greater portion +consisting of respectable mechanics, while here and there may be seen an +individual, who, from his seedy coat, well-brushed four-and-nine hat, +highly polished but palpably patched highlows, outrageously shaved face +and absence of shirt collar, is decidedly an amateur, who now and then +plays a part, and as he is never mistaken for an actor on the stage, tries +when off to look as much like one as possible. + +The boxes are nothing but a gallery, and are generally visited by a +certain class of ladies who resemble angels, at least, in one particular, +for they are "few and far between." + +But what are the entertainments? A miscellaneous concert, in which the +first tenor, habited in a _surtout_, with the tails pinned back, to look +like a dress-coat, apostrophises his "pretty Jane," and begs particularly +to know her reason for looking so _sheyi_--_vulgo_, shy. Then there is +the bass, who disdains any attempt at a body-coat, but honestly comes +forward in a decided bearskin, and, while going down to G, protests +emphatically that "He's on the C (sea)." Then there is the _prima donna_, +in a pink gauze petticoat, over a yellow calico slip, with lots of jewels +(sham), an immense colour in the very middle of the cheek, but terribly +chalked just about the mouth, and shouting the "Soldier tired," with a +most insinuating simper at the corporal of the Foot-guards in front, who +returns the compliment by a most outrageous leer between each whiff of his +tobacco-pipe. + +Then comes an _Overture by the band_, which is a little commonwealth, in +which none aspires to lead, none condescends to follow. At it they go +indiscriminately, and those who get first to the end of the composition, +strike in at the point where the others happen to have arrived; so that, +if they proceed at sixes and sevens, they generally contrive to end in +unison. + +Occasionally we are treated with Musard's _Echo quadrilles_, when the +solos are all done by the octave flute, so are all the echoes, and so is +everything but the _cada_. + +But the grand performance of the night is the dramatic piece, which is +generally a three-act opera, embracing the whole debility of the company. +There is the villain, who always looks so wretched as to impress on the +mind that, if honesty is not the best policy, rascality is certainly the +worst. Then there is the lover, whose woe-begone countenance and unhappy +gait, render it really surprising that the heroine, in dirty white +sarsnet, should have displayed so much constancy. The low comedy is +generally done by a gentleman who, while fully impressed with the +importance of the "low," seems wholly to overlook the "comedy;" and there +is now and then a banished nobleman, who appears to have entirely +forgotten everything in the shape of nobility during his banishment. There +is not unfrequently a display of one of the proprietor's children in a +part requiring "infant innocence;" and as our ideas of that angelic state +are associated principally with pudding heads and dirty faces, the +performance is generally got through with a nastiness approaching to +nicety. But it is time to make our escape from the _Bower_, and we +therefore leave them to get through the "Chough and Crow"--which is often +the wind-up, because it admits of a good deal of growling--in our +absence. We cannot be tempted to remain even to witness the pleasing +performances of the "Sons of Syria," nor the "Aunts of Abyssinia." We will +not wait to see Mr. Macdonald sing "Hot codlings" on his head, though the +bills inform us he has been honoured by a command to go through that +interesting process from "_nearly all the crowned heads in Europe_." + + * * * * * + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +1, September 18, 1841, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14928-8.txt or 14928-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/9/2/14928/ + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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