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August 28, 1841.</title> + +<style type="text/css"> +/*<![CDATA[*/ + +<!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 15%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + ul {list-style-type:none;} + .note {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left:4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left:5em;} + p.cen {text-align:center;} + p.rgt {text-align:right;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} +.figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img {border: none;} +.figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} +.figcenter>p {text-align:center;} +.figcenter {margin: auto;} +.figright {float: right; width:25%;} +.figleft, .dropcap {float: left;width:25%;} + span.sidenote {position: absolute; right: 1%; left: 87%; font-size: .7em;text-align:left;text-indent:0em;} + sup{font-size:.7em;} + span.sc {font-variant:small-caps;} + span.emph {font-size:125%;font-weight:bolder;} + a:link{text-decoration:none;} +.hide {display: none;} + --> +/*]]>*/ +</style> +</head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, +August 28, 1841, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, August 28, 1841 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14925] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG +Online Distributed Proofreading + + + + + + +</pre> + +<h1>PUNCH,<br /> +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> +<h2>VOL. 1.</h2> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page73" name="page73"></a>[pg +73]</span> +<h2>AUGUST 28, 1841.</h2> +<hr class="full" /> +<h2>THE HEIR OF APPLEBITE.</h2> +<h3>CHAPTER I.</h3> +<h4>INTRODUCES THE READER TO THE APPLEBITE FAMILY AND TO AGAMEMNON +COLLUMPSION APPLEBITE IN PARTICULAR.</h4> +<div class="dropcap"><a href="images/007-01.png"><img src= +"images/007-01.png" alt= +"A man balances another on his head and forms the letter T" id= +"img007-01" name="img007-01" width="100%" /></a></div> +<p><span class="hide">T</span>he following is extracted from the +<em>Parliamentary Guide</em> for 18—:—“APPLEBITE, +ISAAC (<em>Puddingbury</em>). Born March 25, 1780; descended from +his grandfather, and has issue.” And upon reference to a +monument in Puddingbury church, representing the first Mrs. +Applebite (who was a housemaid) industriously scrubbing a large +tea-urn, whilst another figure (supposed to be the second Mrs. +Applebite) is pointing reproachfully to a little fat cherub who is +blowing himself into a fit of apoplexy from some unassignable cause +or another—I say upon reference to this monument, upon which +is blazoned forth all the stock virtues of those who employ +stonemasons, I find, that in July, 18—, the said Isaac was +gathered unto Abraham’s bosom, leaving behind him—a +seat in the House of Commons—a relict—the issue +aforesaid, and £50,000 in the three per cents.</p> +<p>The widow Applebite had so arranged matters with her husband, +that two-thirds of the above sum were left wholly and solely to +her, as some sort of consolation under her bereavement of the +“best of husbands and the kindest of fathers.” +(<em>Vide</em> monument.) Old Isaac must have been a treasure, for +his wife either missed him so much, or felt so desirous to learn if +there was another man in the world like him, that, as soon as the +monument was completed and placed in Puddingbury chancel, she +married a young officer in a dashing dragoon regiment, and started +to the Continent to spend the honeymoon, leaving her son—</p> +<p>AGAMEMNON COLLUMPSION APPLEBITE (the apoplectic +“cherub” and the “issue” alluded to in the +<em>Parliamentary Guide</em>), to the care of himself.</p> +<p>A.C.A. was the pattern of what a young man ought to be. He had +16,000 and odd pounds in the three per cents., hair that curled +naturally, stood five feet nine inches without his shoes, always +gave a shilling to a waiter, lived in a terrace, never stopped out +all night (but once), and paid regularly every Monday morning. +Agamemnon Collumpsion Applebite was a happy bachelor! The women +were delighted to see him, and the men to dine with him: to the one +he gave <em>bouquets</em>; to the other, cigars: in short, +everybody considered A.C.A. as A1; and A.C.A. considered that A1 +was his proper mark.</p> +<p>It is somewhat singular, but no man knows when he <em>is</em> +really happy: he may fancy that he wants for nothing, and may even +persuade himself that addition or subtraction would be certain to +interfere with the perfectitude of his enjoyment. He deceives +himself. If he wishes to assure himself of the exact state of his +feelings, let him ask his friends; they are disinterested parties, +and will find out some annoyance that has escaped his notice. It +was thus with Agamemnon Collumpsion Applebite. He had made up his +mind that he wanted for nothing, when it was suddenly found out by +his friends that he was in a state of felicitous destitution. It +was discovered simultaneously, by five mamas and eighteen +daughters, that Agamemnon Collumpsion Applebite <em>must</em> want +a wife; and that his sixteen thousand and odd pounds must be a +source of <em>undivided</em> anxiety to him. Stimulated by the most +praiseworthy considerations, a solemn compact was entered into by +the aforesaid five mamas, on behalf of the aforesaid eighteen +daughters, by which they were pledged to use every means to +convince Agamemnon Collumpsion Applebite of his deplorable +condition; but no unfair advantage was to be taken to ensure a +preference for any particular one of the said eighteen daughters, +but that the said Agamemnon Collumpsion Applebite should be left +free to exercise his own discretion, so far as the said eighteen +daughters were concerned, but should any other daughter, of +whatever mama soever, indicate a wish to become a competitor, she +was to be considered a common enemy, and scandalized +accordingly.</p> +<p>Agamemnon Collumpsion Applebite, about ten o’clock on the +following evening, was seated on a sofa, between Mrs. Greatgirdle +and Mrs. Waddledot (the two mamas deputed to open the campaign), +each with a cup of very prime Mocha coffee, and a massive +fiddle-pattern tea-spoon. On the opposite side of the room, in a +corner, was a very large cage, in the sole occupancy of a solitary +Java sparrow.</p> +<p>“My poor bird looks very miserable,” sighed Mrs. +Greatgirdle, (the hostess upon this occasion.)</p> +<p>“Very miserable!” echoed Mrs. Waddledot; and the +truth of the remark was apparent to every one.</p> +<p>The Java sparrow was moulting and suffering from a cutaneous +disorder at the same time; so what with the falling off, and +scratching off of his feathers, he looked in a most deplorable +condition; which was rendered more apparent by the magnitude of his +cage. He seemed like the <em>last</em> debtor confined in the +Queen’s Bench.</p> +<p>“He has never been himself since the death of his +mate.” (Here the bird scarified himself with great violence.) +“He is so restless; and though he eats very well, and hops +about, he seems to have lost all care of his person, as though he +would put on mourning if he had it.”</p> +<p>“Is there no possibility of dyeing his feathers?” +remarked Agamemnon Collumpsion, feeling the necessity of saying +something.</p> +<p>“It is not the inky cloak, Mr. Applebite,” replied +Mrs. Greatgirdle, “that truly indicates regret; but +it’s here,” (laying her hand upon her left side): +“no—there, under his liver wing, that he feels it, poor +bird! It’s a shocking thing to live alone.”</p> +<p>“And especially in such a large cage,” said Mrs. +Waddledot. “<em>Your house</em> is rather large, Mr. +Applebite?” inquired Mrs. Greatgirdle.</p> +<p>“Rather, ma’am,” replied Collumpsion.</p> +<p>“Ain’t you very lonely?” said Mrs. Waddledot +and Mrs. Greatgirdle both in a breath.</p> +<p>“Why, not—”</p> +<p>“Very lively, you were going to say,” interrupted +Mrs. G.</p> +<p>Now Mrs. G. was wrong in her conjecture of Collumpsion’s +reply. He was about to say, “Why, not at all;” but she, +of course, knew best what he ought to have answered.</p> +<p>“I often feel for you, Mr. Applebite,” remarked Mrs. +Waddledot; “and think how strange it is that you, who really +are a nice young man—and I don’t say so to flatter +you—that you should have been so unsuccessful with the +ladies.”</p> +<p>Collumpsion’s vanity was awfully mortified at this +idea.</p> +<p>“It <em>is</em> strange!” exclaimed Mrs. G “I +wonder it don’t make you miserable. There is no home, I mean +the ‘<em>Sweet, sweet</em> home,’ without a wife. Try, +try again, Mr. Applebite,” (tapping his arm as she rose;) +“faint heart never won fair lady.”</p> +<p>“I refused Mr. Waddledot three times, but I yielded at +last; take courage from that, and 24, Pleasant Terrace, may shortly +become that Elysium—a woman’s home,” whispered +Mrs. W., as she rolled gracefully to a card-table; and +accidentally, <em>of course</em>, cut the ace of spades, which she +exhibited to Collumpsion with a very mysterious shake of the +head.</p> +<p>Agamemnon returned to 24, Pleasant Terrace, a discontented man. +He felt that there was no one sitting up for him—nothing but +a rush-light—the dog might bark as he entered, but no voice +was there to welcome him, and with a heavy heart he ascended the +two stone steps of his dwelling.</p> +<p>He took out his latch-key, and was about to unlock the door, +when a loud knocking was heard in the next street. Collumpsion +paused, and then gave utterance to his feelings. +“That’s music—positively music. This is my +house—there’s my name on the +brass-plate—that’s my knocker, as I can prove by the +bill and receipt; and, yet, here I am about to sneak in like a +burglar. Old John sha’n’t go to bed another night; +I’ll not indulge the lazy scoundrel any longer, Yet the poor +old fellow nursed me when a child. I’ll compromise the +matter—I’ll knock, and let myself in.” So saying, +Collumpsion thumped away at the door, looked around to see that he +was unobserved, applied his latch-key, and slipped into his house +just as old John, in a state of great alarm and undress, was +descending the stairs with a candle and a boot-jack.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>AN ACUTE ANGLE.</h3> +<p>We read in the <em>Glasgow Courier</em> of an enormous salmon +hooked at Govan, which measured three feet, three inches in length. +The <em>Morning Herald</em> mentions several gudgeons of twice the +size, caught, we understand, by Alderman Humphery, and conveyed to +Town per Blackwall Railway.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page74" name="page74"></a>[pg +74]</span> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/007-02.png"><img src= +"images/007-02.png" alt= +"A man thumbs his nose while carrying a Chinaman on his back" id= +"img007-02" name="img007-02" width="100%" /></a></div> +<h2>IMPORTANT NEWS FROM CHINA.</h2> +<h3>ARRIVAL OF THE OVERLAND MAIL!</h3> +<p class="rgt"><em>August 28, 1841.</em></p> +<p>We have received expresses from the Celestial Empire by our own +private electro-galvanic communication. As this rapid means of +transmission carries dispatches so fast that we generally get them +even before they are written, we are enabled to be considerably in +advance of the common daily journals; more especially as we have +obtained news up to the end of next week.</p> +<p>The most important paper which has come to hand is the <em>Macao +Sunday Times</em>. It appears that the fortifications for +surrounding Pekin are progressing rapidly, but that the government +have determined upon building the ramparts of japanned canvas and +bamboo rods, instead of pounded rice, which was thought almost too +fragile to resist the attacks of the English barbarians. Some +handsome guns, of blue and white porcelain, have been placed on the +walls, with a proportionate number of carved ivory balls, +elaborately cut one inside the other. These, it is presumed, will +split upon firing, and produce incalculable mischief and confusion. +Within the gates a frightful magazine of gilt crackers, and other +fireworks, has been erected; which, in the event of the savages +penetrating the fortifications, will be exploded one after another, +to terrify them into fits, when they will be easily captured. This +precaution has been scarcely thought necessary by some of the +mandarins, as our great artist, Wang, has covered the external +joss-house with frantic figures that, must strike terror to every +barbarian. Gold paper has also been kept constantly burning, on +altars of holy clay, at every practicable point of the defences, +which it is hardly thought they will have the hardihood to +approach, and the sacred ducks of Fanqui have been turned loose in +the river to retard the progress of the infidel fleet.</p> +<p>During the storm of last week the portcullis, which hail been +placed in the northern gate, and was composed of solid rice paper, +with cross-bars of chop-sticks, was much damaged. It is now under +repair, and will be coated entirely with tea-chest lead, to render +it perfectly impregnable. The whole of the household troops and +body-guard of the emperor have also received new accoutrements of +tin-foil and painted isinglass. They have likewise been armed with +varnished bladders, containing peas and date stones, which produce +a terrific sound upon the least motion.</p> +<p>An Englishman has been gallantly captured this morning, in a +small boat, by one of our armed junks. He will eat his eyes in the +Palace-court this afternoon; and then, being enclosed in soft +porcelain, will be baked to form a statue for the new pagoda at +Bo-Lung, the first stone of which was laid by the late emperor, to +celebrate his victory over the rude northern islanders.</p> +<p class="rgt"><em>Canton</em>.</p> +<p>The last order of the government, prohibiting the exportation of +tea and rhubarb, has been issued by the advice of Lin, who +translates the English newspapers to the council. It is affirmed in +these journals, that millions of these desert tribes have no other +beverage than tea for their support. As their oath prohibits any +other liquor, they will be driven to water for subsistence, and, +unable to correct its unhealthy influence by doses of rhubarb, will +die miserably. In anticipation of this event, large catacombs are +being erected near their great city, on the authority of +Slo-Lefe-Tee, who visited it last year, and intends shortly to go +there again. The rhubarb prohibition will, it is said, have a great +effect upon the English market for plums, pickled salmon, and +greengages; and the physicians, or disciples of the great Hum, +appear uncertain as to the course to be pursued.</p> +<p>The emperor has issued a chop to the Hong merchants, forbidding +them to assist or correspond with the invaders, under pain of +having their finger-nails drawn out and rings put in their noses. +Howqua resists the order, and it is the intention of Lin, should he +remain obstinate, to recommend his being pounded up with broken +crockery and packed in Chinese catty packages, to be forwarded, as +an example, to the Mandarin Pidding, of the wild island.</p> +<p>An English flag, stolen by a deserter from Chusan, will be +formally insulted to-morrow in the market-place, by the emperor and +his court. Dust will be thrown at it, accompanied by derisive +grimaces, and it will be subsequently hoisted, in scorn, to blow, +at the mercy of the winds, upon the summit of the palace, within +sight of the barbarians.</p> +<h4>LEVANT MAIL.</h4> +<h5>CONSTANTINOPLE, ALEXANDRIA, AND SMYRNA.</h5> +<p class="rgt"><em>August 30.</em></p> +<p>The Sultan got very fuddled last night, with forbidden juice, in +the harem, and tumbled down the ivory steps leading from the +apartment of the favourite, by which accident he seriously cut his +nose. Every guard is to be bastinadoed in consequence, and the +wine-merchant will be privately sewn up in a canvas-bag and thrown +into the Bosphorus this evening.</p> +<p>A relation of Selim Pacha, despatched by the Sultan to collect +taxes in Beyrout, was despatched by the Syrians a few hours after +his arrival.</p> +<p>The periodical conflagration of the houses, mosques, and +synagogues, in Smyrna, took place with great splendour on the 30th +ult., and the next will be arranged for the ensuing month, when +everybody suspected of the plague will receive orders from the +government to remain in their dwellings until they are entirely +consumed. By this salutary arrangement, it is expected that much +improvement will take place in the public health.</p> +<p>The inundation of the Nile has also been very favourable this +year, The water has risen higher than usual, and carried off +several hundred poor people. The Board of Guardians of the +Alexandria Union are consequently much rejoiced.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>TO MR GREEN, THE INSPECTOR OF HIGHWAYS.</h3> +<h4>ON HIS RECENT SKYLARK.</h4> +<p class="cen">“The air hath bubbles as the water +hath.”</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Huzza! huzza! there goes the balloon—</p> +<p>’Tis up like a rocket, and off to the moon!</p> +<p class="i2">Now fading from our view,</p> +<p class="i4">Or dimly seen;</p> +<p class="i2">Now lost in the deep <em>blue</em></p> +<p class="i4">Is Mr. <em>Green</em>!</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Pray have a care,</p> +<p>In your path through the air,</p> +<p class="i2">And mind well what you do;</p> +<p class="i4">For if you chance to slip</p> +<p class="i2">Out of your airy ship,</p> +<p class="i4">Then <em>down</em> you come, and all is <em>up</em> +with you.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>FASHIONABLE ARRIVALS.</h3> +<p>Two thousand and thirty-five remarkably fine calves, from their +various rural pasturages at Smithfield. Some of the <em>heads</em> +of the party have since been seen in the very highest society.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>ADVICE GRATIS.</h3> +<p>“What will you take?” said Peel to Russell, on +adjourning from the School of Design. “Anything you +recommend.” “Then let it be your departure,” was +the significant rejoinder.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>PLEASANT CROPS ABROAD.—A GOOD LOOK OUT FOR THE +SYRIANS.</h3> +<p>“French agents are said to <em>be sowing discontent</em> +in Syria.”—<em>Sunday Times</em>.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page75" name="page75"></a>[pg +75]</span> +<h2>THE GENTLEMAN’S OWN BOOK.</h2> +<p>Having advised you in our last paper of “Dress in +general,” we now proceed to the important consideration +of</p> +<h3>DRESS IN PARTICULAR,</h3> +<p>a subject of such paramount interest and magnitude, that we feel +an Encyclopædia would be barely sufficient for its full +developement; and it is our honest conviction that, until +professorships of this truly noble art are instituted at the +different universities, the same barbarisms of style will be +displayed even by those of gentle blood, as now too frequently +detract from the Augustan character of the age.</p> +<p>To take as comprehensive a view of this subject as our space +will admit, we have divided it into the quality, the cut, the +ornaments, and the pathology.</p> +<h4>THE QUALITY</h4> +<p>comprises <em>the texture, colour, and age of the +materials</em>.</p> +<p>Of the texture there are only two kinds compatible with the +reputation of a gentleman—the very fine and the very coarse; +or, to speak figuratively—the Cachmere and the Witney +blanket.</p> +<p>The latter is an emanation from the refinement of the nineteenth +century, for a prejudice in favour of “extra-superfine” +formerly existed, as the coarser textures, now prevalent, were +confined exclusively to common sailors, hackney-coachmen, and +bum-bailiffs. These frivolous distinctions are happily exploded, +and the true gentleman may now show in Saxony, or figure in +Flushing—the one being suggestive of his property, and the +other indicative of his taste. These remarks apply exclusively to +woollens, whether for coats or trousers.</p> +<p>It is incumbent on every gentleman to have a perfect library of +waistcoats, the selection of which must be regulated by the cost of +the material, as it would be derogatory, in the highest degree, to +a man aspiring to the character of a <em>distingué</em>, to +decorate his bosom with a garment that would by any possibility +come under the denomination of “these choice patterns, only +7<em>s.</em> 6<em>d.</em>” There are certain designs for this +important decorative adjunct, which entirely preclude them from the +wardrobes of the élite—the imaginative bouquets upon +red-plush grounds, patronised by the ingenious constructors of +canals and rail-roads—the broad and brilliant Spanish striped +Valencias, which distinguish the <em>savans</em> or knowing ones of +the stable—the cotton (must we profane the word!) velvet +impositions covered with botanical diagrams done in distemper, and +monopolized by lawyers’ clerks and small +professionals—the <em>positive</em> or genuine Genoa velvet, +with violent and showy embellishments of roses, dahlias, and +peonies, which find favour in the eyes of aldermen, attorneys, and +the proprietors of four-wheel chaises, are all to be avoided as the +fifth daughter of a clergyman’s widow.</p> +<p>It is almost superfluous to add, that breeches can only be made +of white leather or white kerseymere, for any other colour or +material would awaken associations of the dancing-master, the +waiter, the butler, or the bumpkin, or, what is equally to be +dreaded, “the highly respectables” of the last +century.</p> +<p>The dressing-gown is a portion of the costume which commands +particular attention; for though no man “can appear as a hero +to his valet,” he must keep up the gentleman. This can only +be done by the dressing-gown. To gentlemen who occupy apartments, +the <em>robe de chambre</em>, if properly selected, is of infinite +advantage; for an Indian shawl or rich brocaded silk (of which this +garment should only be constructed), will be found to possess +extraordinary pacific properties with the landlady, when the +irregularity of your remittances may have ruffled the equanimity of +her temper, whilst you are</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/007-03.png"><img src= +"images/007-03.png" alt="A man lays under a running spigot." id= +"img007-03" name="img007-03" width="50%" /></a> +<p>INCLINED TO TAKE IT COOLLY;</p> +</div> +<p>whereas a gray Duffield, or a cotton chintz, would be certain to +induce deductions highly prejudicial to the respectability of your +character, or, what is of equal importance, to the duration of your +credit.</p> +<p>The colour of your materials should be selected with due regard +to the species of garment and the tone of the complexion. If the +face be of that faint drab which your friends would designate +<em>pallid</em>, and your enemies sallow, a coat of pea-green or +snuff-brown must be scrupulously eschewed, whilst black or +invisible green would, by contrast, make that appear delicate and +interesting, which, by the use of the former colours, must +necessarily seem bilious and brassy.</p> +<p>The rosy complexionist must as earnestly avoid all sombre tints, +as the inelegance of a healthful appearance should never be +obtrusively displayed by being placed in juxta-position with +colours diametrically opposite, though it is almost unnecessary to +state that any one ignorant enough to appear of an evening in a +coat of any other colour than blue or black (regimentals, of +course, excepted), would certainly be condemned to a quarantine in +the servant’s hall. There are colours which, if worn for +trousers by the first peer of the realm, would be as condemnatory +of his character as a gentleman, as levanting on the settling-day +for the Derby.</p> +<p>The dark drab, which harmonises with the mud—the peculiar +pepper-and-salt which is warranted not to grow gray with +age—the indescribable mixtures, which have evidently been +compounded for the sake of economy, must ever be exiled from the +wardrobe and legs of a gentleman.</p> +<p>The hunting-coat must be invariably of scarlet, due care being +taken before wearing to dip the tips of the tails in claret or port +wine, which, for new coats, or for those of gentlemen who do +<em>not</em> hunt, has been found to give them an equally veteran +appearance with the sweat of the horse.</p> +<p><em>Of the age</em> it is only necessary to state, that a truly +fashionable suit should never appear under a week, or be worn +longer than a month from the time that it left the hands of its +parent schneider. Shooting-coats are exceptions to the latter part +of this rule, as a garment devoted to the field should always bear +evidence of long service, and a new jacket should be consigned to +your valet, who, if he understands his profession, will carefully +rub the shoulders with a hearth-stone and bole-ammonia, to convey +the appearance of friction and the deposite of the rust of the +gun<sup>1</sup>.<span class="sidenote">1. Gentlemen who are +theoretical, rather than practical sportsmen, would find it +beneficial to have a partridge carefully plucked, and the feathers +sparingly deposited in the pockets of the shooting-jacket usually +applied to the purposes of carrying game. Newgate Market possesses +all the advantages of a preserved manor.</span></p> +<p>Of the cut, ornaments, and pathology of dress, we shall speak +next week, for these are equally essential to ensure</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/007-04.png"><img src= +"images/007-04.png" alt="A man crashes thru a window." id= +"img007-04" name="img007-04" width="60%" /></a> +<p>AN INTRODUCTION TO FASHIONABLE SOCIETY.</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>BEGINNING EARLY.</h3> +<p>We are informed by the <em>Times</em> of Saturday, that at the +late Conservative enactment at D.L., not only his Royal Highness +Prince Albert, but the <em>infant</em> Princess Royal, was +“drunk, with the usual honours.”—[<em>Proh +pudor!</em>—PUNCH.]</p> +<hr /> +<h3>SIBTHORP’S VERY BEST.</h3> +<p>Sibthorp, meeting Peel in the House of Commons, after +congratulating him on his present enviable position, finished the +confab with the following unrivalled conundrum:—“By the +bye, which of your vegetables does your Tamworth speech +resemble!”—“Spinach,” replied Peel, who, no +doubt, associated it with +<em>gammon</em>.—“Pshaw,” said the gallant +Colonel, “your rope inions (<em>your opinions</em>), to be +sure!” Peel opened his mouth, and never closed it till he +took his seat at the table.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>BEAUTIFUL COINCIDENCE!—A PAIR OF TOOLS.</h3> +<p>Sir Francis Burdett, the superannuated Tory <em>tool</em>, +proposed the Conservative healths; and <em>Toole</em> the second, +as toast-master, announced them to the assemblage.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page76" name="page76"></a>[pg +76]</span> +<h2>THE CURRAH CUT;</h2> +<h3>OR, HOW WE ALL GOT A FI’PENNY BIT A-PIECE.</h3> +<p>“Are the two ponies ready?”</p> +<p>“Yes!”</p> +<p>“And the ass?”</p> +<p>“All right!”</p> +<p>“And you’ve, all five of you, got your +fi’pennies for Tony Dolan, the barber, at Kells?”</p> +<p>“Every one of us.”</p> +<p>“Then be off; there’s good boys! Ride and tie like +Christians, and don’t be going double on the brute beasts; +for a bit of a walk now and then will just stretch your legs. Be +back at five to dinner; and let us see what bucks you’ll look +with your new-trimmed curls. Stay, there’s another +fi’penny; spend that among you, and take care of yourselves, +my little jewels!”</p> +<p>Such were the parting queries and instructions of my kind old +uncle to five as roaring, mischievous urchins as ever stole whisky +to soak the shamrock on St. Patrick’s day. The chief +director, schemer, and perpetrator of all our fun and devilry, was, +strange to say, “my cousin Bob:” the smallest, and, +with one exception, the youngest of the party. But Bob was his +grandmother’s “ashey pet”—his +mother’s “jewel”—his father’s +“mannikin”—his nurse’s +“honey”—and the whole world’s +“darlin’ little devil of a rogue!” The expression +of a face naturally arch, beaming with good humour, and radiant +with happy laughter, was singularly heightened by a strange +peculiarity of vision, which I am at a loss to describe. It was, if +the reader can idealise the thing, an absolute +“beauty,” which, unfortunately, can only be written +about by the appliances of some term conveying the notion of a +blemish. The glances from his bright eyes seemed to steal out from +under their long fringe, the most reckless truants of exulting +mirth. No matter what he said, he looked a joke. Now for his +orders:—</p> +<p>“Aisy with you, lads. Cousin Harry, take first ride on St. +Patrick (the name of the ass)—here’s a leg up. The two +Dicks can have Scrub and Rasper. Jack and Billy, boys, catch a hold +of the bridles, or devil a ha’p’worth of ride and tie +there’ll be in at all, if them Dicks get the +start—Shanks’ mare will take you to Kells. Don’t +be galloping off in that manner, but shoot aisy! Remember, the ass +has got to keep up with you, and I’ve got to keep up with the +ass. That’s the thing—steady she goes! It’s an +elegant day, and no hurry in life. Spider! come here, +boy—that’s right. Down, sir! down, you devil, or wipe +your paws. Bad manners to you—look at them breeches! Never +mind, there’s a power of rats at Tony Carroll’s +barn—it’s mighty little out o’ the way, and may +be we’ll get a hunt. What say you?”</p> +<p>“A hunt, a hunt, by all manes! there’s the fun of +it! Come on, lads—here’s the place!—turn off, and +go to work! Wait, wait! get a stick a-piece, and break the necks of +’em! Hurrah!—in Spider!—find ’em boy! Good +lad! Tare an ouns, you may well squeak! Good dog! good dog! +that’s a grandfather!—we’ll have more yet; the +family always come to the ould one’s berrin’. +I’ve seen ’em often, and mighty dacent they behave. +Damn Kells and the barber, up with the boords and go to +work!—this is something like sport! Houly Paul, there’s +one up my breeches—here’s the tail of him—he +caught a hould of my leather-garter. Come out of that, Spider! +Spider, here he is—that’s it—give him another +shake for his impudence—serve him out! Hurrah!”</p> +<p>“Fast and furious” grew our incessant urging on of +the willing Spider, for his continued efforts at extermination. At +the end of two hours, the metamorphosed barn was nearly stripped of +its flooring—nine huge rats lay dead, as trophies of our own +achievements—the panting Spider, “by turns caressing, +and by turns caressed,” licking alternately the hands and +faces of all, as we sat on the low ledge of the doorway, wagging +his close-cut stump of tail, as if he were resolved, by his +unceasing exertions, to get entirely rid of that excited dorsal +ornament.</p> +<p>“This is the rael thing,” said Bob.</p> +<p>“So it is,” said Dick; “but”—</p> +<p>“But what?”</p> +<p>“Why, devil a ha’p’orth of Kells or +hair-cutting there’s in it.”</p> +<p>“Not a taste,” chimed in Jack.</p> +<p>“Nothing like it,” echoed Will.</p> +<p>“What will we do?” said all at once. There was a +short pause—after which the matter was resumed by Dick, who +was intended for a parson, and therefore rather given to +moralising.</p> +<p>“Life,” quoth Dick—“life’s +uncertain.”</p> +<p>“You may say that,” rejoined Bob; “look at +them rats.”</p> +<p>“Tony Dowlan’s a hard-drinking man, and his mother +had fits.”</p> +<p>“Of the same sort,” said Bob.</p> +<p>“Well, then,” continued Dick, “there’s +no knowing—he may be dead—if so, how could he cut our +hair?”</p> +<p>Here Dick, like Brutus, paused for a reply. Bob produced +one.</p> +<p>“It’s a good scheme, but it won’t do; the +likes of him never does anything he’s wanted to. He’s +the contrariest ould thief in Ireland! I wish mama hadn’t got +a party; we’d do well enough but for that. Never mind, boys, +I’ve got it. There’s Mikey Brian, he’s the +boy!</p> +<p>“What for?”</p> +<p>“To cut the hair of the whole of us.”</p> +<p>“<em>He</em> can’t do it.”</p> +<p>“Can’t! wait, a-cushla, till I tell you, or, +what’s better, show you. Come now, you devils. Look at the +heels (Rasper’s and Scrub’s) of them ponies! Did ever +you see anything like them!—look at the cutting +there—Tony Dowlan never had the knack o’ that tasty +work in his dirty finger and thumb—and who done that? Why +Mikey Brian—didn’t I see him myself; and isn’t he +the boy that can ‘bang Bannaker’ at anything! Oh! +he’ll cut us elegant!—he’ll do the squad for a +fi’penny—and then, lads, there’s them five others +will be just one a-piece to buy gut and flies! Come on, you +Hessians!”</p> +<p>No sooner proposed than acceded to—off we set, for the +eulogised “Bannaker banging Mikey Brian.”</p> +<p>A stout, handsome boy he was—rising +four-and-twenty—a fighting, kissing, rollicking, +ball-playing, dancing vagabone, as you’d see in a day’s +march—such a fellow as you only meet in Ireland—a bit +of a gardener, a bit of a groom, a bit of a futboy, and a bit of a +horse-docthor.</p> +<p>We reached the stables by the back way, and there, in his own +peculiar loft, was Mikey Brian, brushing a somewhat faded livery, +in which to wait upon the coming quality.</p> +<p>Bob stated the case, as far as the want of our locks’ +curtailment went, but made no mention of the delay which occasioned +our coming to Mikey; on the contrary, he attributed the preference +solely to our conviction of his superior abilities, and the wish to +give him a chance, as he felt convinced, if he had fair play, +he’d be engaged miles round, instead of the hopping old +shaver at Kells.</p> +<p>“I’m your man, Masther Robert.”</p> +<p>“Who’s first?”</p> +<p>“I am—there’s the +fi’penny—that’s for the lot!”</p> +<p>“Good luck to you, sit down—will you have the Currah +thoro’bred-cut?”</p> +<p>“That’s the thing,” said Bob.</p> +<p>“Then, young gentlement, as there ain’t much +room—and if you do be all looking on, I’ll be +bothered—just come in one by one.”</p> +<p>Out we went, and, in an inconceivably short space, Bob +emerged.</p> +<p>Mikey advising: “Master Robert, dear, keep your hat on for +the life of you, for fear of cowld.” A few minutes finished +us all.</p> +<p>“This is elegant,” said Bob. “Mikey, it will +be the making of you; but don’t say a word till you hear how +they’ll praise you at dinner.”</p> +<p>“Mum!” said Mikey, and off we rushed.</p> +<p>I felt rather astonished at the ease with which my hat sat; +while those of the rest appeared ready to fall over their noses. +Being in a hurry, this was passed over. The second dinner-bell +rang—we bolted up for a brief ablution—our hats were +thrown into a corner, and, as if by one consent, all eyes were +fixed upon each other’s heads!</p> +<p>Bob gave tongue: “The Devil’s skewer to Mikey Brian! +and bad luck to the Currah thoro’bred cut! Not the eighth +part of an inch of ‘air there is amongst the set of us. What +will the master say? Never mind; we’ve got the +fi’pennies! Come to dinner!—by the Puck we are +beauties!”</p> +<p>We reached the dining-room unperceived; but who can describe the +agony of my aunt Kate, when she clapped her eyes upon five such +close-clipped scarecrows. She vowed vengence of all sorts and +descriptions against the impudent, unnatural, shameful monster! +Terms which Mikey Brian, in the back-ground, appropriated to +himself, and with the utmost difficulty restrained his rising wrath +from breaking out.</p> +<p>“What,” continued aunt Kate, “what does he +call this?”</p> +<p>“It’s the thoro’bred Currah-cut, +ma’am,” said Bob, with one of his peculiar glances at +Mikey and the rest.</p> +<p>“And mighty cool wearing, I’ll be bail,” +muttered Mikey.</p> +<p>“Does he call that hair-cutting?” screamed my +aunt.</p> +<p>“That, and nothing but it,” quietly retorted Bob, +passing his hand over his head; “you can’t deny the +cutting, ma’am.”</p> +<p>“The young gentlemen look elegant,” said Mikey.</p> +<p>“I’m told it’s all the go, ma’am,” +said Bob.</p> +<p>“Wait!” said my aunt, with suppressed rage; +“wait till I go to Kells.”</p> +<p>This did not happen for six weeks; our aunt’s anger was +mollified as our locks were once more human. Upon upbraiding +“Tony Knowlan” the murder came out. A hearty laugh +ensured our pardon, and Mikey Brian’s; and the story of the +“thoro’bred Currah-cut” was often told, as the +means by which “we all got a fi’penny bit +a-piece.”—FUSBOS.</p> +<hr /> +<p>There is a portrait of a person so like him, that, the other +day, a friend who called took no notice whatever of the man, +further than saying he was a good likeness, but asked the portrait +to dinner, and only found out his mistake when he went up to shake +hands with it at parting.</p> +<hr /> +<p>An American hearing that there was a fire in his neighbourhood, +and that it might possibly consume his house, took the precaution +to <em>bolt</em> his own door; that he might be, so far at least, +beforehand with the <em>devouring</em> element.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>BAD EITHER WAY.</h3> +<p>The peace, happiness, and prosperity of England, are threatened +by <em>Peel</em>; in Ireland, the picture is reversed: the safety +of that country is endangered by <em>Re-peal</em>. It would be hard +to say which is worst.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>A CONSTANT PAIR.</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Jane is a constant wench (so Sibthorp says);</p> +<p>For in how <em>many</em> shops you see <em>Jean stays</em>!</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>A COUNT AND HIS SCHNEIDER.</h3> +<p>The Count’s fashioner sent in, the other day, his bill, +which was a pretty considerable time overdue, accompanied by the +following polite note:—</p> +<p>“Sir,—Your bill having been for a very long time +standing, I beg that it may be settled forthwith.</p> +<p class="rgt">“Yours,<br /> +“B——.”</p> +<p>To which Snip received the following reply:—</p> +<p>“Sir,—I am very sorry that your bill should have +been kept standing so long. Pray request it to <em>sit</em> +down.</p> +<p class="rgt">“Yours,<br /> +“**”</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page77" name="page77"></a>[pg +77]</span> +<h2>NARRATIVE OF AN AWFUL CASE OF EXTREME DISTRESS.</h2> +<p>It was in the year 1808, that myself and seven others resolved +upon taking chambers in Staples’ Inn. Our avowed object was +to study, but we had in reality assembled together for the purposes +of convivial enjoyment, and what were then designated +“sprees.” Our stock consisted of four hundred and +twelve pounds, which we had drawn from our parents and guardians +under the various pretences of paying fees and procuring books for +the advancement of our knowledge in the sublime mysteries of that +black art called Law. In addition to our pecuniary resources, we +had also a fair assortment of wearing-apparel, and it was well for +us that parental anxiety had provided most of us with a change of +garments suitable to the various seasons. For a long time +everything went on riotously and prosperously. We visited the +Theatres, the Coal-hole, the Cider-cellars, and the Saloon, and +became such ardent admirers of the “Waterford system of +passing a night and morning,” that scarcely a day came +without a draft upon the treasury for that legal imposition upon +the liberty of the subject—the five-shilling fine; besides +the discharge of promissory notes as compensation for trifling +damages done to the heads and property of various individuals.</p> +<p>About a month after the formation of our association we were all +suffering severely from thirsty head-aches, produced, I am +convinced, by the rapid consumption of thirteen bowls of +whiskey-punch on the preceding night. The rain was falling in +perpendicular torrents, and the whole aspect of out-of-door nature +was gloomy and sloppy, when we were alarmed by the exclamation of +Joseph Jones (a relation of the Welsh Joneses), who officiated as +our treasurer, and upon inquiring the cause, were horror-stricken +to find that we had arrived at our last ten-pound note, and that +the landlord had sent an imperative message, requiring the +immediate settlement of our back-rent. It is impossible to paint +the consternation depicted on every countenance, already +sufficiently disordered by previous suffering and biliary +disarrangement.</p> +<p>I was the first to speak; for being the son of a shabby-genteel +father, I had witnessed in my infancy many of those schemes to +raise the needful, to which ambitious men with limited incomes are +so frequently driven. I therefore bid them be of good heart, for +that any pawnbroker in the neighbourhood would readily advance +money upon the superfluous wardrobe which we possessed. This remark +was received with loud cheers, which, I have no doubt, would have +been much more vehement but from the fatal effects of the +whiskey-punch.</p> +<p>The landlord’s claim was instantly discharged, and after +several pots of strong green tea, rendered innocuous by brandy, we +sallied forth in pursuit of what we then ignorantly conceived to be +pleasure.</p> +<p>I will not pause to particularise the gradual diminution of our +property, but come at once to that period when, having consumed all +our superfluities, it become a serious subject of consideration, +what should next be sacrificed.</p> +<p>I will now proceed to make extracts from our general diary, +merely premising that our only attendant was an asthmatic +individual named Peter.</p> +<p><em>Dec. 2, 1808.</em>—Peter reported stock—eight +coats, eight waistcoats, eight pairs of trousers, two ounces of +coffee, half a quartern loaf, and a ha’p’orth of milk. +The eight waistcoats required for dinner. Peter ordered to pop +accordingly—proceeds 7<em>s.</em> 6<em>d.</em> Invested in a +small leg of mutton and half-and-half.</p> +<p><em>Dec. 3.</em>—Peter reported stock—coats +<em>idem</em>, trousers <em>idem</em>—a mutton +bone—rent due—a coat and a pair of trousers ordered for +immediate necessities—lots drawn—Jones the victim. +Moved the court to grant him his trousers, as his coat was lined +with silk, which would furnish the trimmings—rejected. Peter +popped the suit, and Jones went to bed. All signed an undertaking +to redeem Jones with the first remittance from the country. +Proceeds 40<em>s.</em> Paid rent, and dined on à-la-mode +beef and potatoes—beer limited to one quart. Peter hinted at +wages, and was remonstrated with on the folly and cruelty of his +conduct.</p> +<p><em>Dec. 4.</em>—Peter reported stock—seven coats, +seven pairs of trousers, and a gentleman in bed. Washerwoman +called—gave notice of detaining linen unless settled +with—two coats and one pair of trousers ordered for +consumption. Lots drawn—Smith the victim for coat and +trousers—Brown for the continuations only. Smith retired to +bed—Brown obtained permission to sit in a blanket. Proceeds +of the above, 38<em>s.</em>—both pairs of trousers having +been reseated. Jones very violent, declaring it an imposition, and +that every gentleman who had been repaired, should enter himself so +on the books. The linen redeemed, leaving—nothing for +dinner.</p> +<p><em>Dec. 5.</em>—Peter reported stock—four coats, +and five pairs of trousers. Account not agreeing, Peter was called +in—found that Williams had bolted—Jones offered to call +him out, if we would dress him for the day—Smith undertook to +negotiate preliminaries on the same conditions—Williams voted +not worth powder and shot in the present state of our finances. A +coat and two pair of continuations ordered for supplies—lots +drawn—Black and Edwards the victims. Black retired to bed, +and Edwards to a blanket—proceeds, 20<em>s.</em> Jones, +Smith, and Black, petitioned for an increased supply of +coals—agreed to. Dinner, a large leg of mutton and baked +potatoes. Peter lodged a detainer against the change, as he wanted +his hair cut and a box of vegetable pills—so he said.</p> +<p><em>Dec. 6.</em>—Peter reported stock—three coats, +three pairs of trousers, quarter of a pound of mutton, and one +potato. Landlord sent a note remonstrating against using the beds +all day, and applying the blankets to the purposes of +dressing-gowns. Proposed, in consequence of this impertinent +communication, that the payment of the next week’s rent be +disputed—carried <em>nem. con</em>. A coat and a pair of +trousers ordered for the day’s necessities—Peter popped +as usual—proceeds, 10<em>s.</em> 6<em>d.</em>—coals +bought—ditto a quire of paper, and the <em>et cets</em>. for +home correspondence. Blue devils very prevalent.</p> +<p><em>Dec. 7.</em>—Peter reported stock—two coats, two +pairs of trousers, and five gentlemen in bed. Smith hinted at the +“beauties of <em>Burke</em>“—Peter brought a note +for Jones—everybody in ecstacy—Jones’s jolly old +uncle from Glamorganshire had arrived in town. Huzza! safe for a +20<em>l.</em> Busker (<em>that’s myself</em>) volunteered his +suit—Jones dressed and off in a brace of shakes—caught +Peter laughing—found it was a hoax of Jones’s to give +us the slip—would have stripped Peter, only his clothes were +worth nothing—calculated the produce of the remaining suit +at—</p> +<table summary="Proceeds from the suit" style="margin-left:10%;"> +<tr> +<td>Buttons</td> +<td>a breakfast.</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td>Two sleeves</td> +<td>one pint of porter.</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td>Body</td> +<td>four plates of à-la-mode.</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td width="50%">Trousers (at per leg)</td> +<td>half a quartern loaf.</td> +</tr> +</table> +<p>Caught an idea.—wrote an anonymous letter to the landlord, +and told him that an association had been formed to burke Colonel +Sibthorp—his lodgers the conspirators—that the scheme +was called the “Lie-a-bed plot”—poverty with his +lodgers all fudge—men of immense wealth—get rid of them +for his own sake—old boy very nervous, having been in quod +for smuggling—gave us warning—couldn’t go if we +would. Landlord redeemed our clothes. Ha! ha!—did him +brown.</p> +<p>The above is a statement of what I suffered during my minority. +I have now the honour to be a magistrate and a member of +Parliament.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>THE RICH OLD BUFFER.</h3> +<h4>A MAIDEN LYRIC.</h4> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Urge it no more! I must not wed</p> +<p class="i2">One who is poor, so hold your prattle;</p> +<p>My lips on love have ne’er been fed,</p> +<p class="i2">With poverty I cannot battle.</p> +<p>My choice is made—I know I’m right—</p> +<p class="i2">Who wed for love starvation suffer;</p> +<p>So I will study day and night</p> +<p class="i2">To please and win a rich OLD BUFFER.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Romance is very fine, I own;</p> +<p class="i2">Reality is vastly better;</p> +<p>I’m twenty—past—romance is flown—</p> +<p class="i2">To Cupid I’m no longer debtor.</p> +<p>Wealth, power, and rank—I ask no more—</p> +<p class="i2">Let the world frown, with these I’ll rough +her—</p> +<p>Give me an equipage and four,</p> +<p class="i2">Blood bays, a page, and—rich OLD BUFFER.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>An opera-box shall be my court,</p> +<p class="i2">Myself the sovereign of the women;</p> +<p>There moustached loungers shall resort,</p> +<p class="i2">Whilst Elssler o’er the stage is skimming.</p> +<p>If any rival dare dispute</p> +<p class="i2">The palm of <em>ton</em>, my set shall huff her;</p> +<p>I’ll reign supreme, make envy mute,</p> +<p class="i2">When once I wed a rich OLD BUFFFER!</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>“The heart”—“the +feelings”—pshaw! for nought</p> +<p class="i2"><em>They</em> go, I grant, though quite +enchanting</p> +<p>In valentines by school-girls wrought:</p> +<p class="i2">Nonsense! by me they are not wanting.</p> +<p>A note! and, as I live, a ring!</p> +<p class="i2">“Pity the sad suspense I suffer!”</p> +<p>All’s right. I knew to book I’d bring</p> +<p class="i2">Old Brown. I’ve caught—</p> +<p class="i10">A RICH OLD BUFFER.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>PHILANTHROPY, FINE WRITING, AND FIREWORKS.</h3> +<p>A writer in a morning paper, eulogising the Licensed +Victuallers’ fête at Vauxhall Gardens, on Tuesday +evening, bursts into the following magnificent +flight:—“Wit has been profanely said, like the Pagan, +to deify the brute” (the writer will never increase the +mythology); “but here,” (that is, in the royal +property,) “while intellect and skill” (together with +Roman candles) “exhibit their various manifestations, +Charity” (arrack punch and blue fire) “throw their +benign halo over the festive scene” (in the circle and +Widdicomb), “and not only sanctify the enjoyment” (of +ham and Green’s ascent), “but improve” (the +appetite) “and elevate” (the victuallers) “the +feelings” (and the sky-rockets) “of all who participate +in it” (and the sticks coming down). “This is, truly an +occasion when every licensed victualler should be at his +post” (with a stretcher in waiting).</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page78" name="page78"></a>[pg +78]</span> +<h2>IMPERIAL PARLIAMENT.</h2> +<p>As the coming session of Parliament is likely to be a busy +one—for PUNCH—we have engaged some highly talented +gentlemen expressly to report the fun in the House. The public will +therefore have the benefit of all the senatorial brilliancy, +combined with our own peculiar powers of description. +Sibthorp—(scintillations fly from our pen as we trace the +magic word)—shall, for one session at least, have justice +done to his Sheridanic mind. Muntz shall be cut with a friendly +hand, and Peter Borthwick feel that the days of his histrionic +glories are returned, when his name, and that of +“Avon’s swan,” figured daily in the +“<em>Stokum-cum-Pogis Gazette</em>.” Let any member +prove himself worthy of being associated with the brilliant names +which ornament our pages, and be certain we will insure his +immortality. We will now proceed to our report of</p> +<h3>THE QUEEN’S SPEECH.</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i4">MY LORDS AND GENTLEMEN,</p> +<p class="i10">This morn at crow-cock,</p> +<p class="i10">Great Doctor Locock</p> +<p>Decided that her Majesty had better</p> +<p>Remain at home, for (as <em>I</em> read the letter)</p> +<p>He thought the opening speech</p> +<p>Would be “more honoured in the breach</p> +<p>Than the observance.” So here I am,</p> +<p>To read a royal speech without a flam.</p> +<p>Her Majesty continues to receive</p> +<p>From Foreign Powers good reasons to believe</p> +<p>That, for the universe, they would not tease her,</p> +<p>But do whate’er they could on earth to please her.</p> +<p class="i8">A striking fact,</p> +<p class="i8">That proves each act</p> +<p>Of <em>us</em>, the Cabinet, has been judicious,</p> +<p>Though of our conduct <em>some</em> folks <em>are</em> +suspicious.</p> +<p>Her Majesty has also satisfaction</p> +<p>To state the July treaty did succeed</p> +<p>(Aided, no doubt, by Napier’s gallant action),</p> +<p>And that in peace the Sultan smokes his weed.</p> +<p>That France, because she was left out,</p> +<p>Did for a little while—now bounce—now pout,</p> +<p>Is in the best of humours, and will still</p> +<p>Lend us her Jullien, monarch of quadrille!</p> +<p>And as her Majesty’s a peaceful woman,</p> +<p>She hopes we shall get into rows with no man.</p> +<p>Her Majesty is also glad to say,</p> +<p>That as the Persian troops have march’d away,</p> +<p>Her Minister has orders to resume</p> +<p>His powers at Teheran, where he’s ta’en a room.</p> +<p>Her Majesty regrets that the Chinese</p> +<p>Are running up the prices of our teas:</p> +<p>But should the Emperor continue crusty,</p> +<p>Elliot’s to find out if his jacket’s dusty.</p> +<p>Her Majesty has also had the pleasure</p> +<p>(By using a conciliatory measure)</p> +<p>To settle Spain and Portugal’s division</p> +<p>About the Douro treaty’s true provision.</p> +<p>Her Majesty (she grieves to say) ’s contrived to get,</p> +<p>Like all her predecessors, into debt—</p> +<p>In Upper Canada, which, we suppose,</p> +<p>By this time is a fact the Council knows,</p> +<p>And what they think, or say, or write about it,</p> +<p>You’ll he advised of, and the Queen don’t doubt +it,</p> +<p>But you’ll contrive to make the thing all square,</p> +<p>So leaves the matter to your loyal care.</p> +<p class="i4">GENTLEMEN OF THE HOUSE OF COMMONS,</p> +<p>Her Majesty, I’m proud to say, relies</p> +<p>On you with confidence for the supplies;</p> +<p>And, as there’s much to pay, she begs to hint</p> +<p>She hopes sincerely you’ll not spare the Mint.</p> +<p class="i4">MY LORDS AND GENTLEMEN,</p> +<p>The public till,</p> +<p>I much regret to say, is looking ill;</p> +<p>For Canada and China, and the Whigs—no, no—</p> +<p>Some other prigs—have left the cash so-so:</p> +<p>But as our soldiers and our tars, brave lads,</p> +<p>Won’t shell out shells till we shell out the brads,</p> +<p>Her Majesty desires you’ll be so kind</p> +<p>As to devise some means to raise the wind,</p> +<p>Either by taxing more or taxing less,</p> +<p>Relieving or increasing our distress;</p> +<p>Or by increasing twopennies to quarterns,</p> +<p>Or keeping up the price which “Commons +shortens;”</p> +<p>By making weavers’ wages high or low,</p> +<p>Or other means, but what we do not know.</p> +<p>But the one thing our royal mistress axes,</p> +<p>Is, that you’ll make the people pay their taxes.</p> +<p>The last request, I fear, will cause surprise—</p> +<p>Her Majesty requests <em>you to be wise</em>.</p> +<p>If you comply at once, the world will own</p> +<p>It is the greatest miracle e’er known.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="full" /> +<h2>THE DINNEROLOGY OF ENGLAND.</h2> +<p>Man is the only animal that cooks his dinner before he eats it. +All other species of the same genus are content to take the +provisions of nature as they find them; but man’s reason has +designed pots and roasting-jacks, stewpans and bakers’ ovens; +thus opening a wide field for the exercise of that culinary +ingenuity which has rendered the names of Glasse and Kitchiner +immortal. Of such importance is the gastronomic art to the +well-being of England, that we question much if the “wooden +walls,” which have been the theme of many a song, afford her +the same protection as her dinners. The ancients sought, by the +distribution of crowns and flowers, to stimulate the enterprising +and reward the successful; but England, despising such empty +honours and distinctions, tempts the diffident with a haunch of +venison, and rewards the daring with real turtle.</p> +<p>If charity seeks the aid of the benevolent, she no longer trusts +to the magic of oratory to “melt the tender soul to +pity,” and untie the purse-strings; but, grown wise by +experience, she sends in her card in the shape of “a guinea +ticket, bottle of wine included;” and thus appeals, if not to +the heart, at least to its next-door neighbour—the +stomach.</p> +<p>The hero is no longer conducted to the temple of Victory amid +the shouts of his grateful and admiring countrymen, but to the +Freemason’s, the Crown and Anchor, or the Town Hall, there to +have his plate heaped with the choicest viands, his glass tilled +from the best bins, and “his health drank with three times +three, and a little one in.”</p> +<p>The bard has now to experience “the happiest moment of his +life” amid the jingling of glasses, the rattle of dessert +plates, and the stentorian vociferations of the toast-master to +“charge your glasses, gentlemen—Mr. Dionysius Dactyl, +the ornament of the age, with nine times nine,” and to pour +out the flood of his poetic gratitude, with half a glass of port in +one hand and a table-napkin in the other.</p> +<p>The Cicero who has persuaded an enlightened body of electors to +receive £10,000 decimated amongst them, and has in return the +honour of sleeping in “St. Stephen’s,” and +smoking in “Bellamy’s,” or, to be less +figurative, who has been returned as their representative in +Parliament, receives the foretaste of his importance in a +“public dinner,” which commemorates his election; or +should he desire to express “the deep sense of his +gratitude,” like Lord Mahon at Hertford, he cannot better +prove his sincerity than by the liberal distribution of invitations +for the unrestrained consumption of mutton, and the unlimited +imbibition of “foreign wines and spirituous +liquors.”</p> +<p>If a renegade, like Sir Francis Burdett, is desirous of making +his apostacy the theme of general remark—of surprising the +world with an exhibition of prostrated worth—let him not seek +the market-cross to publish his dishonour, whilst there remains the +elevated chair at a dinner-table. Let him prove himself entitled to +be ranked as a man, by the elaborate manner in which he seasons his +soup or anatomises a joint. Let him have the glass and the +towel—the one to cool the tongue, which must burn with the +fulsome praises of those whom he has hitherto decried, and the +other as a ready appliance to conceal the blush which must rush to +the cheek from the consciousness of the thousand recollections of +former professions awakened in the minds of every applauder of his +apostacy. Let him have a Toole to give bold utterance to the toasts +which, in former years, would have called forth his contumely and +indignation, and which, even now, he dare only whisper, lest the +echo of his own voice should be changed into a curse. Let him have +wine, that his blood may riot through his veins and drive memory +onward. Let him have wine, that when the hollow cheers of his new +allies ring in his ears he may be incapable of understanding their +real meaning; or, when he rises to respond to the lip-service of +his fellow bacchanals, the fumes may supply the place of mercy, and +save him from the abjectness of self-degradation. Burdett! the 20th +of August will never be forgotten! You have earned an epitaph that +will scorch men’s eyes—</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="cen">“To the last a +renegade.”<sup>2</sup><span class="sidenote">2. “Siege +of Corinth.”</span></p> +<hr class="short" /></div> +</div> +<p>Who that possesses the least reflection ever visited a +police-office without feeling how intimately it was connected with +the cook-shop! The victims to the intoxicating qualities of pickled +salmon, oyster-sauce, and lobster salad, are innumerable; for where +one gentleman or lady pleads guilty to too much wine, a thousand +extenuate on the score of indigestion. We are aware that the +disorganisation of the digestive powers is very +prevalent—about one or two in the morning—and we have +no doubt the Conservative friends of Captain Rous, who +patriotically contributed five shillings each to the Queen, and one +gentleman (a chum of our own at Cheam, if we mistake not) a +sovereign to the poor-box, were all doubtlessly suffering from this +cause, combined with their enthusiasm for the gallant Rous, +and—<em>proh pudor!</em>—Burdett.</p> +<p>How much, then, are we indebted to our cooks! those perspiring +professors of gastronomy and their valuable assistants—the +industrious scullery-maids. Let not the Melbourne opposition to +this meritorious class, be supported by the nation at large; for +England would soon cease to occupy her present proud pre-eminence, +did her rulers, her patriots, and her heroes, sit down to cold +mutton, or the villanously dressed “joints ready from 12 to +5.” Justice is said to be the foundation of all national +prosperity—we contend that it is repletion—that Mr. +Toole, the toast-master, is the only embodiment of fame, and that +true glory consists of a gratuitous participation in “Three +courses and a dessert!”</p> +<hr /> +<h3>INQUEST—NOT EXTRAORDINARY.</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Great Bulwer’s works fell on Miss Basbleu’s +head.</p> +<p>And, in a moment, lo! the maid was dead!</p> +<p>A jury sat, and found the verdict plain—</p> +<p>“She died of <em>milk</em> and <em>water on the +brain</em>.”</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page79" name="page79"></a>[pg +79]</span> +<h2>PUNCH’S PENCILLINGS.—NO. VII.</h2> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/007-05.png"><img src= +"images/007-05.png" alt="A man gives a smaller man a haircut." id= +"img007-05" name="img007-05" width="100%" /></a> +<p>TRIMMING A W(H)IG.</p> +</div> +<!--[pg 80]--> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page81" name="page81"></a>[pg +81]</span> +<h2>NAPOLEON’S STATUE AT BOULOGNE.</h2> +<p class="note">[The bronze statue of Napoleon which was last +placed on the summit of the grand column at Boulogne with +extraordinary ceremony, has been turned, by design or accident, +with its back to England.]</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Upon its lofty column’s stand,</p> +<p class="i2">Napoleon takes his place;</p> +<p>His back still turned upon that land</p> +<p class="i2">That never saw his face.</p> +</div> +</div> +<h4>THE HIEROGLYPHIC DECIPHERED.</h4> +<p>The letters V.P.W. scratched by some person on the brow of the +statue of Napoleon while it lay on the ground beside the column, +which were supposed to stand for the insulting words <em>Vaincu par +Wellington</em>, have given great offence to the French. We have +authority for contradicting this unjust explanation. The letters +are the work of an ambitious Common Councilman of Portsoken Ward, +who, wishing to associate himself with the great Napoleon, +scratched on the bronze the initials of his +name—V.P.W.—VILLIAM PAUL WENABLES.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>SONGS FOR THE SENTIMENTAL.—NO. 3.</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>“O fly with me, lady, my gallant <em>destrere</em></p> +<p class="i2">Is as true as the brand by my side;</p> +<p>Through flood and o’er moorland his master he’ll +bear,</p> +<p class="i2">With the maiden he seeks for a bride.”</p> +<p>This, this was the theme of the troubadour’s lay,</p> +<p class="i2">And thus did the lady reply:—</p> +<p>“Sir knight, ere I trust thee, look hither and say,</p> +<p class="i2">Do you see any green in my eye?”</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>“O, doubt me not, lady, my lance shall maintain</p> +<p class="i2">That thou’rt peerless in beauty and fame;</p> +<p>And the bravest should eat of the dust of the plain,</p> +<p class="i2">Who would quaff not a cup to thy name.”</p> +<p>“I doubt not thy prowess in list or in fray,</p> +<p class="i2">For none dare thy courage belie;</p> +<p>And I’ll trust thee, though kindred and priest say me +nay—</p> +<p class="i2">When you see any green in my eye!”</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>TO POLITICAL WRITERS,</h3> +<h4>AND TO THE EDITOR OF THE “TIMES” IN +PARTICULAR.</h4> +<p>Mr. Solomons begs to announce to reporters of newspapers, that +he has constructed, at a very great expense, several sets of new +glasses, which will enable the wearer to see as small or as great a +number of auditors, at public conferences and political meetings, +as may suit his purpose. Mr. Solomons has also invented a new kind +of ear-trumpet, which will enable a reporter to hear only such +portions of an harangue as may be in accordance with his political +bias; or should there be nothing uttered by any speaker that may +suit his purpose, these ear-trumpets will change the sounds of +words and the construction of sentences in such a way as to be +incontrovertible, although every syllable should be diverted from +its original meaning and intention. They have also the power of +larding a speech with “loud cheers,” or “strong +disapprobation.”</p> +<p>These valuable inventions have been in use for some years by Mr. +Solomons’ respected friend, the editor of the <em>Times</em>; +but no publicity has been given to them, until Mr. S. had +completely tested their efficacy. He has now much pleasure in +subjoining, for the information of the public, the following +letter, of the authenticity of which Mr. S. presumes no one can +entertain a doubt.</p> +<h4>LETTER FROM THE EDITOR OF THE “TIMES.”</h4> +<p>It is with much pleasure that I am enabled, my dear Solomons, to +give my humble testimony in favour of your new political glasses +and ear-trumpet. By their invaluable aid I have been enabled, for +some years, to see and hear just what suited my purpose. I have +recommended them to my <em>protégé</em>, Sir Robert +Peel, who has already tried the glasses, and, I am happy to state, +does not see quite so many objections to a fixed duty as he did +before using these wonderful illuminators. The gallant Sibthorp (at +my recommendation) carried one of your ear-trumpets to the House on +Friday last, and states that he heard his honoured leader declare, +“that the Colonel was the only man who ought to be +Premier—after himself.”</p> +<p>If these testimonies are of any value to you, publish them by +all means, and believe me.</p> +<p class="rgt">Yours faithfully,<br /> +JOHN WALTER.<br /> +<em>Printing House Square.</em></p> +<p>Mr. S. begs to state, that though magnifying and diminishing +glasses are no novelty, yet his invention is the only one to suit +the interest of parties without principle.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>CON. BY THEODORE HOOK.</h3> +<p>“What sentimental character does the re-elected Speaker +remind you of?”—Ans. by Croker: “P<em>(shaw!) +Lefevre</em>, to be sure.”</p> +<hr /> +<h3>A CRUEL DISAPPOINTMENT.</h3> +<p>We regret to state that the second ball at the Boulogne +<em>fête</em> was simply remarkable from “its having +gone off without any disturbance.” Where <em>were</em> the +national guards?</p> +<hr /> +<h3>UNSATISFACTORY CONDITION OF FOREIGN BEEF—(CAUTION TO +GOURMANDS).</h3> +<p>A corresponedent of the <em>Times</em> forwards the alarming +intelligence that at the Boulogne Races the <em>stakes</em> never +<em>fill</em>! Sibthorp, the gifted Sib, ever happy at expedients, +ingeniously recommends a <em>trial</em> of the <em>chops</em>.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>A TRIFLE FROM LITTLE TOMMY.</h3> +<h4>TO AN ELDERLY BEAUTY.</h4> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>“Ah! Julia, time all tilings destroys,</p> +<p class="i2">The heart, the blood, the pen;</p> +<p>But come, I’ll re-enact young joy</p> +<p class="i2">And be myself again.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>“Yet stay, sweet Julia, how is this</p> +<p class="i2">Thine are not lips at all;</p> +<p>Your face is <em>plastered</em>, and you kiss,</p> +<p class="i2">Like Thisbe—<em>through a wall</em>.”</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="full" /> +<h2>PROSPECTUS FOR A PROVIDENT ANNUITY COMPANY.</h2> +<ol> +<li> +<p>The capital of this Company is to consist of £0,000,001; +one-half of it to be vested in Aldgate Pump, and the other moiety +in the Dogger Bank.</p> +</li> +<li> +<p>Shares, at £50 each, will be issued to any amount; and +interest paid thereon when convenient.</p> +</li> +<li> +<p>A board, consisting of twelve directors, will be formed; but, to +save trouble, the management of the Company’s affairs will be +placed in the hands of the secretary.</p> +</li> +<li> +<p>The duties of trustees, auditor, and treasurer, will also be +discharged by the secretary.</p> +</li> +<li> +<p>Each shareholder will he presented with a gratuitous copy of the +Company’s regulations, printed on fine foolscap.</p> +</li> +<li> +<p>Individuals purchasing annuities of this company, will be +allowed a large-rate of interest on paper for their money, +calculated on an entirely novel sliding-scale. Annuitants will be +entitled to receive their annuities whenever they can get them.</p> +</li> +<li> +<p>The Company’s office will be open at all hours for the +receipt of money; but it is not yet determined at what time the +paying branch of the department will come into operation.</p> +</li> +<li> +<p>The secretary will be allowed the small salary of £10,000 +a-year.</p> +</li> +<li> +<p>In order to simplify the accounts, there will be no books kept. +By this arrangement, a large saving will be effected in the article +of clerks, &c.</p> +</li> +<li> +<p>The annual profits of the company will be fixed at 20 per cent., +but it is expected that there will be no inquiry made after +dividends.</p> +</li> +<li> +<p>All monies received for and by the company, to be deposited in +the breeches-pocket of the secretary, and not to be withdrawn from +thence without his special sanction.</p> +</li> +<li> +<p>The establishment to consist of a secretary and porter.</p> +</li> +<li> +<p>The porter is empowered to act as secretary in the absence of +that officer; and the secretary is permitted to assist the porter +in the arduous duties of his situation.</p> +</li> +</ol> +<p>*∗* Applications for shares or annuities to be made to +the secretary of the Provident Annuity Company, No. 1, Thieves +Inn.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>AWFUL ACCIDENT.</h3> +<p>Our reporter has just forwarded an authentic statement, in which +he vouches, with every appearance of truth, that “Lord +Melbourne dined at home on Wednesday last.” The neighbourhood +is in an agonising state of excitement.</p> +<h4>FURTHER PARTICULARS.</h4> +<h5>(<em>Particularly exclusive</em>.)</h5> +<p>Our readers will be horrified to learn the above is not the +whole extent of this alarming event. From a private source of the +highest possible credit, we are informed that his “Lordship +also took tea.”</p> +<h4>FURTHEST PARTICULARS.</h4> +<p>Great Heavens! when will our painful duties end? We tremble as +we write,—may we be deceived!—but we are compelled to +announce the agonising fact—“he also supped!”</p> +<h4>BY EXPRESS.</h4> +<h5>(<em>From our own reporter on the spot</em>!)</h5> +<p>DEAR SIR,—“The dinner is fatally true! but, I am +happy to state, there are doubts about the tea, and you may almost +wholly contradict the supper.”</p> +<h4>SECOND EXPRESS.</h4> +<p>“I have only time to say, things are not so bad! The tea +is disproved, and the supper was a gross exaggeration.</p> +<p>“N.B. My horse is dead!”</p> +<h4>THIRD EXPRESS.</h4> +<p>Hurrah! Glorious news! There is no truth in the above fearful +rumour; it is false from beginning to end, and, doubtless, had its +vile origin from some of the “adverse faction,” as it +is clearly of such a nature as to convulse the country. To what +meanness will not these Tories stoop, for the furtherance of their +barefaced schemes of oppression and pillage! The facts they have so +grossly distorted with their tortuous ingenuity and demoniac +intentions, are simply these:—A saveloy was ordered by one of +the upper servants (who is on board wages, and finds his own +kitchen fire), the boy entrusted with its delivery mistook the +footman for his lordship. This is very unlikely, as the man is +willing to make an affidavit he had “just cleaned +himself,” and therefore, it is clear the boy must have been a +paid emissary. But the public will be delighted to learn, to +prevent the possibility of future mistakes—“John” +has been denuded of his whiskers—the only features which, on +a careful examination, presented the slightest resemblance to his +noble master. In fact, otherwise the fellow is remarkably +good-looking.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page82" name="page82"></a>[pg +82]</span> +<h2>HINTS TO NEW MEMBERS.</h2> +<h3>BY AN OLD TRIMMER.</h3> +<p>It being now an established axiom that every member goes into +Parliament for the sole purpose of advancing his own private +interest, and not, as has been ignorantly believed, for the benefit +of his country or the constituency he represents, it becomes a +matter of vast importance to those individuals who have not had the +advantage of long experience in the house, to be informed of the +mode usually adopted by honourable members in the discharge of +their legislative duties. With this view the writer, who has, for +the last thirty years, done business on both sides of the house, +and always with the strictest regard to the main chance, has +collected a number of hints for the guidance of juvenile members, +of which the following are offered as a sample:—</p> +<p>HINT 1.—It is a vulgar error to imagine that a man, to be +a member of Parliament, requires either education, talents, or +honesty: all that it is necessary for him to possess +is—impudence and humbug!</p> +<p>HINT 2.—When a candidate addresses a constituency, he +should promise everything. Some men will only pledge themselves to +what their conscience considers right. Fools of this sort can never +hope to be</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/007-06.png"><img src= +"images/007-06.png" alt= +"A man gets kicked out of a door by many feet." id="img007-06" +name="img007-06" width="50%" /></a> +<p>RETURNED BY A LARGE MAJORITY.</p> +</div> +<p>HINT 3.—Oratory is a showy, but by no means necessary, +accomplishment in the house. If a member knows when to say +“Ay” or “No,” it is quite sufficient for +all useful purposes.</p> +<p>HINT 4.—If, however, a young member should be seized with, +the desire of speaking in Parliament, he may do so without the +slighest regard to sense, as the reporters in the gallery are paid +for the purpose of making speeches for honourable members; and on +the following morning he may calculate on seeing, in the columns of +the daily papers, a full report of his splendid</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/007-07.png"><img src= +"images/007-07.png" alt= +"A young woman tells her swain 'I'll ask my Ma!'" id="img007-07" +name="img007-07" width="50%" /></a> +<p>MAIDEN SPEECH.</p> +</div> +<p>HINT 5.—A knowledge of the exact time to cry “Hear, +hear!” is absolutely necessary. A severe cough, when a member +of the opposite side of the house is speaking, is greatly to be +commended; cock-crowing is also a desirable qualification for a +young legislator, and, if judiciously practised, cannot fail to +bring the possessor into the notice of his party.</p> +<p>HINT 6.—The back seats in the gallery are considered, by +several members, as the most comfortable for taking a nap on.</p> +<p>HINT 7.—If one honourable member wishes to tell another +honourable member that he is anything but a gentleman, he should be +particular to do so within the walls of the house—as, in that +case, the Speaker will put him under arrest, to prevent any +unpleasant consequences arising from his hasty expressions.</p> +<p>HINT 8.—If a member promise to give his vote to the +minister, he must in honour do so—unless he happen to fall +asleep in the smoking-room, and so gets shut out from the division +of the house.</p> +<p>HINT 9.—No independent member need trouble himself to +understand the merits of any question before the house. He may, +therefore, amuse himself at Bellamy’s until five minutes +before the Speaker’s bell rings for a division.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>RATHER SUICIDAL.</h3> +<p>“The health of the Earl of Winchilsea and the Conservative +members of the House of Peers,” was followed, amid intense +cheering, with the glee of</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>“Swearing death to traitor +slaves!”—<em>Times</em>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>NOVEL EXPERIMENT.—GREAT SCREW.</h3> +<p>Several scientific engineers have formed themselves into a +company, and are about applying for an Act of Parliament to enable +them to take a lease of Joe Hume, for the purpose of opposing the +Archimedean Screw. Public feeling is already in favour of the +“Humedean,” and the “Joe” shares are rising +rapidly.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<h2>PUNCH’S INFORMATION FOR THE PEOPLE.—NO. 3.</h2> +<p>One of the expedients adopted by the cheap-knowledge-mongers to +convey so-called “information” to the vulgar, has been, +we flatter ourselves, successfully imitated in our articles on the +Stars and the Thermometer. They are by writers engaged expressly +for the respective subjects, because they will work cheaply and +know but little of what they are writing about, and therefore make +themselves the better understood by the equally ignorant. We do +hope that they have not proved themselves behindhand in popular +humbug and positive error, and that the blunders in “the +Thermometer”<sup>3</sup><span class="sidenote">3. One of +these blunders the author must not be commended for; it is +attributable to a facetious mistake of the printer. In giving the +etymology of the Thermometer, it should have been “measure of +<em>heat</em>,” and not “measure of +<em>feet</em>.” We scorn to deprive our devil of a joke so +worthy of him.</span> are equally as amusing as those of the then +big-wig who wrote the treatise on “Animal Mechanics,” +published by our rival Society for Diffusing Useful Knowledge.</p> +<p>Another of their methods for obtaining cheap knowledge it is now +our intention to adopt. Having got the poorest and least learned +authors we could find (of course for cheapness) for our former +pieces of information, we have this time engaged a gentleman to +mystify a few common-place subjects, in the style of certain +articles in the “Penny Cyclopædia.” As his +erudition is too profound for ordinary comprehensions—as he +scorns gain—as the books he has hitherto published (no, +privated) have been printed at his own expense, for the greater +convenience of reading them himself, for nobody else does +so—as, in short, he is in reality a cheap-knowledge man, +seeing that he scorns pay, and we scorn to pay him—we have +concluded an engagement with him for fourteen years.</p> +<p>The subject on which we have directed him to employ his vast +scientific acquirements, is one which must come home to the +firesides of the married and the bosoms of the single, namely, the +art of raising a flame; in humble imitation of some of +Young’s Knights’ Thoughts, which are directed to the +object of lightening the darkness of servants, labourers, artisans, +and chimney-sweeps, and in providing guides to the trades or +services of which they are already masters or mistresses. We beg to +present our readers with</p> +<h3>PUNCH’S GUIDE TO SERVICE;</h3> +<h5>OR,</h5> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/007-08.png"><img src= +"images/007-08.png" alt="A maid kisses a man through a fence." id= +"img007-08" name="img007-08" width="50%" /></a> +<h3>THE HOUSEMAID’S BEST FRIEND.</h3> +</div> +<h3>CHAPTER 1.</h3> +<h4>ON THE PROCESS AND RATIONALE OF LIGHTING FIRES.</h4> +<p>Take a small cylindrical aggregation of parallelopedal sections +of the ligneous fibre (vulgarly denominated a bundle of fire-wood), +and arrange a fractional part of the integral quantity +rectilineally along the interior of the igneous receptacle known as +a grate, so as to form an acute angle (of, say 25°) with its +base; and one (of, say 65°) with the posterior plane that is +perpendicular to it; taking care at the same time to leave between +each parallelopedal section an insterstice isometrical with the +smaller sides of any one of their six quadrilateral superficies, so +as to admit of the free circulation of the atmospheric fluid. +Superimposed upon this, arrange several moderate-sized concretions +of the hydro-carburetted substance (<em>vulgo</em> coal), +approximating in figure as nearly as possible to the rhombic +dodecahedron, so that the solid angles of each concretion may +constitute the different points of contact with those immediately +adjacent. Insert into the cavity formed by the imposition of the +ligneous fibre upon the inferior transverse ferruginous bar, a +sheet of laminated lignin, or paper, compressed by the action of +the digits into an irregular spheroid.</p> +<p>These preliminary operations having been skilfully performed, +the process of combustion may be commenced. For this purpose, a +smaller woody paralleloped—the extremities of which have been +previously dipped in sulphur in a state of liquefaction—must +be ignited and applied to the laminated lignin, or waste paper, and +so elevate its temperature to a degree required for its combustion, +which will be communicated to the ligneous superstructure; this +again raises the temperature of the hydro-carburet concretion, and +liberates its carburetted hydrogen in the form of gas; which gas, +combining with the oxygen of the atmosphere, enters into +combustion, and a general ignition ensues. This, in point of fact, +constitutes what is popularly termed—“lighting a +fire.”</p> +<hr /> +<h3>AN IMMINENT BREACH.</h3> +<p>In an action lately tried at the Cork Assizes, a lady obtained +<em>fifteen hundred pounds damages</em>, for a breach of promise of +marriage, against a faithless lover. Lady Morgan sends us the +following trifle on the subject:—</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>What! <em>fifteen hundred!</em>—’tis a sum +severe;</p> +<p class="i2">The fine by far the injury o’erreaches.</p> +<p>For <em>one</em> poor <em>breach</em> of promise ’tis too +dear—</p> +<p class="i2">’Twould be sufficient for a <em>pair of +breaches</em>!</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page83" name="page83"></a>[pg +83]</span> +<h2>SCHOOL OF DESIGN.</h2> +<p>Several designing individuals, whose talents for +<em>drawing</em> on paper are much greater than those of Charles +Kean for drawing upon the stage, met together at Somerset House, on +Monday last, to distribute prizes among their scholars. Prince +Albert presided, gave away the prizes with great suavity, and made +a speech which occupied exactly two seconds and a-half.</p> +<p>The first prize was awarded to Master Palmerston, for a +successful <em>design</em> for completely frustrating certain +commercial <em>views</em> upon China, and for his new invention of +<em>auto-painting</em>. Prize: an order upon Truefit for a new +wig.</p> +<p>Master John Russell was next called up.—This talented +young gentleman had designed a gigantic “penny loaf;” +which, although too immense for practical use, yet, his efforts +having been exclusively directed to fanciful design, and not to +practical possibility, was highly applauded. Master Russell also +evinced a highly precocious talent for <em>drawing</em>—his +salary. Prize: a splendidly-bound copy of the New Marriage Act.</p> +<p>The fortunate candidate next upon the list, was Master Normanby. +This young gentleman brought forward a beautiful design for a new +prison, so contrived for criminals to be excluded from light and +society, in any degree proportionate with their crimes. This young +gentleman was brought up in Ireland, but there evinced considerable +talent in <em>drawing</em> prisoners out of durance vile. He was +much complimented on the salutary effect upon his studies, which +his pupilage at the school of design had wrought. Prize: an order +from Colburn for a new novel.</p> +<p>Master Melbourne, who was next called up, seemed a remarkably +fine boy of his age, though a little too old for his short jacket. +He had signalised himself by an exceedingly elaborate +<em>design</em> for the Treasury benches. This elicited the utmost +applause; for, by this plan, the seats were so ingeniously +contrived, that, once occupied, it would be a matter of extreme +difficulty for the sitter to be <em>absquatulated</em>, even by +main force. Prize: a free ticket to the licensed victuallers’ +dinner.</p> +<p>The Prince then withdrew, amidst the acclamations of the +assembled multitude.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>A HINT TO THE NEW LORD CHAMBERLAIN.</h3> +<p>There is always much difference of opinion existing as to the +number of theatres which ought to be licensed in the metropolis. +Our friend Peter Borthwick, whose mathematical acquirements are +only equalled by his “<em>heavy fathers</em>,” has +suggested the following formula whereby to arrive at a just +conclusion:—Take the number of theatres, multiply by the +public-houses, and divide by the dissenting chapels, and the +quotient will be the answer. This is what Peter calls</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/007-09.png"><img src= +"images/007-09.png" alt= +"A man stands at a crossroads marked 'Fixed Duty' and 'Sliding Scale'" +id="img007-09" name="img007-09" width="50%" /></a> +<p>COMING TO A DIVISION.</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>VOCAL EVASION.</h3> +<p>LADY B—— (who, it is rumoured, has an eye to the +bedchamber) was interrogating Sir Robert Peel a little closer than +the wily minister <em>in futuro</em> approved of. After several +very evasive answers, which had no effect on the lady’s +pertinacity, Sir Robert made her a graceful bow, and retired, +humming the favourite air of—</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/007-10.png"><img src= +"images/007-10.png" alt="An artist is unhappy with a portrait." id= +"img007-10" name="img007-10" width="70%" /></a> +<p>“OH! I CANNOT GIVE EXPRESSION.”</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>A PUN FROM THE ROW.</h3> +<p>It is asserted that a certain eminent medical man lately offered +to a publisher in Paternoster-row a “Treatise on the +Hand,” which the worthy bibliopole declined with a shake of +the head, saying, “My dear sir, we have got too many +<em>treatises on our hands</em> already.”</p> +<hr /> +<h3>PLEASURES OF HOPE (RATHER EXPENSIVE).</h3> +<p>The <em>Commerce</em> states “the cost of the mansion now +building for Mr. Hope, in the Rue St. Dominique, including +furniture and objects of art, is estimated at six hundred thousand +pounds!”—[If this is an attribute of <em>Hope</em>, +what is reality?—ED. PUNCH.]</p> +<hr /> +<h3>FASHIONS FOR THE MONTH.</h3> +<p>We perceive that the severity of the summer has prevented the +entire banishment of furs in the fashionable <em>quartiers</em> of +the metropolis. We noticed three fur caps, on Sunday last, in Seven +Dials. Beavers are, however, superseded by gossamers; the crowns of +which are, among the élite of St. Giles’s, jauntily +opened to admit of ventilation, in anticipation of the warm +weather. Frieze coats are fast giving way to pea-jackets; +waistcoats, it is anticipated, will soon be discarded, and brass +buttons are completely out of vogue.</p> +<p>We have not noticed so many highlows as Bluchers upon the +understandings of the promenaders of Broad-street. Ancle-jacks are, +we perceive, universally adopted at the elegant <em>soirées +dansantes</em>, nightly held at the “Frog and Fiddle,” +in Pye-street, Westminster.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>ARTISTIC EXECUTION.</h3> +<p>We understand that Sir M.A. Shee is engaged in painting the +portraits of Sir Willoughhy Woolston Dixie and Mr. John Bell, the +lately-elected member for Thirsk, which are intended for the +exhibition at the Royal Academy. If Folliot Duff’s account of +their dastardly conduct in the Waldegrave affair be correct, we +cannot <em>imagine</em> two gentlemen more worthy the labours of +the</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/007-11.png"><img src= +"images/007-11.png" alt="Three judges at the bench." id="img007-11" +name="img007-11" width="50%" /></a> +<p>HANGING COMMITTEE.</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>NEW PARLIAMENTARY RETURNS.</h3> +<p>We have been informed, on authority upon which we have reason to +place much reliance, that several distinguished members of the +upper and lower houses of Parliament intend moving for the +following important returns early in the present +session:—</p> +<h4>IN THE LORDS.</h4> +<p>Lord Palmerston will move for a return of all the +<em>papillote</em> papers contained in the red box at the Foreign +Office.</p> +<p>The Duke of Wellington will move for a return of the Tory +taxes.</p> +<p>The Marquis of Downshire will move for a return of his political +honesty.</p> +<p>Lord Melbourne will move for a return of place and power.</p> +<p>The Marquis of Westmeath will move for a return of the days when +he was young.</p> +<p>The Marquis Wellesley will move for a return of the pap-spoons +manufactured in England for the last three years.</p> +<h4>IN THE COMMONS.</h4> +<p>Sir Francis Burdett will move for a return of his popularity in +Westminster.</p> +<p>Lord John Russell will move that the return of the Tories to +office is extremely inconvenient.</p> +<p>Captain Rous will move for a return of the number of +high-spirited Tories who were conveyed on stretchers to the +different station-houses, on the night of the ever-to-be-remembered +Drury-lane dinner.</p> +<p>Sir E.L. Bulwer will move for a return of all the half-penny +ballads published by Catnach and Co. during the last year.</p> +<p>Morgan O’Connell will move for a return of all the brogues +worn by the bare-footed peasantry of Ireland.</p> +<p>Colonel Sibthorp will move for a return of his wits.</p> +<p>Peter Borthwick will move for a return of all the kettles +convicted of singing on the Sabbath-day.</p> +<p>Sir Robert Peel will move for a return of all the ladies of the +palace—to the places from whence they came.</p> +<p>Ben D’Israeli will move for a return of all the hard words +in Johnson’s Dictionary.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>RATHER OMINOUS!</h3> +<p>The <em>Sunday Times</em> states, that “several of the +<em>heads</em> of the Conservative party held a conference at +<em>Whitehall</em> Gardens!” <em>Heads</em> and +<em>conferences</em> have been cut short enough at the same place +ere now!</p> +<hr /> +<h3>HEAVY LIGHTNESS.</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>A joke Col. Sibthorp to the journal sent—</p> +<p>Appropriate heading—”<em>Serious +Accident</em>.”</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>A MATTER OF COURSE.</h3> +<p>The match at cricket, between the Chelsea and Greenwich +Pensioners, was decided in favour of the latter. Captain Rous says, +no great wonder, considering the winners bad the majority of +<em>legs</em> on their side. The Hyllus affair has made him an +authority.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page84" name="page84"></a>[pg +84]</span> +<h2>THE DRAMA.</h2> +<h3>THE ITALIAN OPERA.</h3> +<h4>RETIREMENT OF RUBINI.</h4> +<h5>(<em>Exclusive</em>.)</h5> +<p class="note">N.B.—PUNCH is delighted to perceive, from the +style of this critique, that, though anonymously sent, it is +manifestly from the pen of the elegant critic of the <em>Morning +Post</em>.</p> +<div class="dropcap"><a href="images/007-12.png"><img src= +"images/007-12.png" alt= +"A couple at the opera, in an O-shaped frame." id="img007-12" name= +"img007-12" width="100%" /></a></div> +<p><span class="hide">O</span>n a review of the events of the past +season, the <em>souvenirs</em> it presents are not calculated to +elevate the character of the arts <em>di poeta</em> and <em>di +musica</em>, of which the Italian Opera is composed. The only +decided <em>nouveautés</em> which made their appearance, +were “Fausta,” and “Roberto Devereux,” both +of them <em>jejune</em> as far as regards their <em>libretto</em> +and the <em>composita musicale</em>. The latter opera, however, +serving as it did to introduce a pleasing <em>rifacciamento</em> of +the lamented Malibran, in her talented sister Pauline (Madame +Viardot), may, on that account, be remembered as a pleasing +reminiscence of the past season.</p> +<p>The evening of Saturday, Aug. 21st, will long be remembered by +the <em>habitués</em> of the Opera. From exclusive sources +(which have been opened to us at a very considerable expense) we +are enabled to +communicate—<em>malheureusement</em>—that with the +close of the <em>saison de</em> 1841, the <em>corps +opératique</em> loses one of its most brilliant ornaments. +That memorable epocha was chosen by Rubini for making a graceful +<em>congé</em> to a fashionable audience, amidst an +abundance of tears—shed in the choicest Italian—and +showers of <em>bouquets</em>. The subjects chosen for +representation were <em>apropos</em> in the extreme; all being of a +<em>triste</em> character, namely, the <em>atta terzo</em> of +“Marino Faliero,” the <em>finale</em> of “Lucia +di Lammermoor,” and the last <em>parte</em> of “La +Sonnambula:” these were the chosen vehicles for +Rubini’s <em>soirée d’adieu</em>.</p> +<p>As this <em>tenor primissimo</em> has, in a professional +<em>regarde</em>, disappeared from amongst us—as the last +echoes of his <em>voix magnifique</em> have died away—as he +has made a final exit from the public <em>plafond</em> to the +<em>coulisses</em> of private life—we deem it due to future +historians of the Italian Opera <em>de Londres</em>, to record our +admiration, our opinions, and our <em>regrets</em> for this great +<em>artiste</em>.</p> +<p>Signor Rubini is in stature what might be denominated <em>juste +milieu</em>; his <em>taille</em> is graceful, his <em>figure</em> +pleasing, his eyes full of expression, his hair bushy: his +<em>comport</em> upon the stage, when not excited by passion, is +full of <em>verve</em> and <em>brusquerie</em>, but in passages +which the <em>Maestro</em> has marked “<em>con +passione</em>” nothing can exceed the elegance of his +attitudes, and the pleasing dignity of his gestures. After, <em>par +exemple</em>, the <em>recitativi</em>, what a pretty +<em>empressement</em> he gave (alas! that we must now speak in the +past tense!) to the <em>tonic</em> or <em>key-note</em>, by +<em>locking</em> his arms in each other over his +<em>poitrine</em>—by that after expansion of them—that +clever <em>alto</em> movement of the toes—that apparent +embracing of the <em>fumes des lampes</em>—how touching! +Then, while the <em>sinfonia</em> of the <em>andante</em> was in +progress, how gracefully he turned <em>son dos</em> to the +delighted auditors, and made an interesting <em>promenade au +fond</em>, always contriving to get his finely-arched nose over the +<em>lumières</em> at the precise point of time (we speak in +a musical sense) where the word “<em>voce</em>” is +marked in the score. His pantomime to the <em>allegri</em> was no +less captivating; but it was in the <em>stretta</em> that his +beauty of action was most exquisitely apparent; there, worked up by +an elaborate <em>crescendo</em> (the <em>motivo</em> of which is +always, in the Italian school, a simple progression of the diatonic +scale), the <em>furor</em> with which this <em>cantratice</em> +hurried his hands into the thick clumps of his picturesque +<em>perruque</em>, and seemed to tear its <em>cheveux</em> out by +the roots (without, however, disturbing the celebrated side-parting +a single hair)—the vigour with which he beat his +breast—his final expansion of arms, elevation of toes, and +the impressive <em>frappe</em> of his right foot upon the stage +immediately before disappearing behind the +<em>coulisses</em>—must be fresh in the <em>souvenir</em> of +our <em>dilettanti</em> readers.</p> +<p>But how shall we <em>parle</em> concerning his <em>voix</em>? +That exquisite organ, whose <em>falsetto</em> emulated the +sweetness of flutes, and reached to A flat <em>in +altissimo</em>—the <em>voce media</em> of which possessed an +unequalled <em>aplomb</em>, whose deep double G must still find a +well-in-tune echo in the <em>tympanum</em> of every +<em>amateur</em> of taste. <em>That</em>, we must confess, as +critics and theoretical musicians, causes us considerable +<em>embarras</em> for words to describe. Who that heard it on +Saturday last, has yet recovered the ravishing sensation produced +by the thrilling tremour with which Rubini <em>gave</em> the +<em>Notte d’Orrore</em>, in Rossini’s “Marino +Faliero?” Who can forget the <em>recitativo con andante et +allegro</em>, in the last scene of “La Sonnambula;” or +the burst of anguish <em>con expressivissimo</em>, when accused of +treason, while personating his favourite <em>rôle</em> in +“Lucia di Lammermoor?” Ah! those who suffered +themselves to be detained from the opera on Saturday last by mere +illness, or other light causes, will, to translate a forcible +expression in the “Inferno” of Dante, “go down +with sorrow to the grave.” To them we say, Rubini <em>est +parti</em>—gone!—he has sent forth his last +<em>ut</em>—concluded his last <em>re</em>—his ultimate +note has sounded—his last <em>billet de banque</em> is +pocketed—he has, to use an emphatic and heart-stirring +<em>mot</em>, “<em>coupé son +bâton!</em>”</p> +<p>It is due to the <em>sentimens</em> of the audience of Saturday, +to notice the evident regret with which they received +Rubini’s <em>adieux</em>; for, towards the close of the +evening, the secret became known. Animated <em>conversazioni</em> +resounded from almost every box during many of his most charming +<em>piano</em> passages (and never will his <em>sotto-voce</em> be +equalled)—the <em>beaux esprits</em> of the pit discussed his +merits with audible <em>goût</em>; while the gallery and +upper stalls remained in mute grief at the consciousness of that +being the <em>dernière fois</em> they would ever be able to +hear the sublime <em>voce-di-testa</em> of Italy’s prince of +<em>tenori</em>.</p> +<p>Although this retirement will make the present +<em>clôture</em> of the opera one of the most memorable +<em>événemens</em> in <em>les annales de +l’opéra</em>, yet some remarks are demanded of us upon +the other <em>artistes</em>. In “Marino Faliero,” +Lablache came the <em>Dodge</em> with remarkable success. Madlle. +Loewe, far from deserving her <em>bas nom</em>, was the height of +perfection, and gave her celebrated <em>scena</em> in the +last-named opera <em>avec une force superbe</em>. Persiani looked +remarkably well, and wore a most becoming <em>robe</em> in the +<em>rôle</em> of Amina.</p> +<p>Of the <em>danseuses</em> we have hardly space to speak. Cerito +exhibited the “poetry of motion” with her usual skill, +particularly in a difficult <em>pas</em> with Albert. The ballet +was “Le Diable Amoureux,” and the stage was watered +between each act.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>THE GREAT UNACTABLES.</h3> +<p>It seems that the English Opera-house has been taken for +<em>twelve nights</em>, to give “<em>a free stage and fair +play</em>” to “EVERY ENGLISH LIVING DRAMATIST.” +Considering that the Council of the Dramatic Authors’ Theatre +comprises at least half-a-dozen Shakspeares in their own conceit, +to say nothing of one or two <em>Rowes</em> (soft ones of course), +a sprinkling of Otways, with here and there a Massinger, we may +calculate pretty correctly how far the stage they have taken +possession of is likely to be <em>free</em>, or the <em>play</em> +to be <em>fair</em> towards <em>Every English living +Dramatist</em>.</p> +<p>It appears that a small knot of very great geniuses have been, +for some time past, regularly sending certain bundles of paper, +called Dramas, round to the different metropolitan theatres, and as +regularly receiving them back again. Some of these geniuses, goaded +to madness by this unceremonious treatment, have been guilty of the +insanity of printing their plays; and, though the “Rejected +Addresses” were a very good squib, the rejected Dramas are +much too ponderous a joke for the public to take; so that, while in +their manuscript form, they always produced speedy <em>returns</em> +from the managers, they, in their printed shape, caused no +<em>returns</em> to the publishers. It is true, that a personal +acquaintance of some of the authors with Nokes of the <em>North +Eastern Independent</em>, or some other equally-influential country +print, may have gained for them, now and then, an egregious puff, +wherein the writers are said to be equal to Goëthe, a cut +above Sheridan Knowles, and the only successors of Shakspeare; but +we suspect that “the mantle of the Elizabethan poets,” +which is said to have descended on one of these gentry, would, if +inspected, turn out to be something more like Fitzball’s +Tagiioni or Dibdin Pitt’s Macintosh.</p> +<p>No one can suspect PUNCH of any <em>prestige</em> in favour of +the restrictions laid upon the drama—for our own +free-and-easy habit of erecting our theatre in the first convenient +street we come to, and going through our performance without caring +a rush for the Lord Chamberlain or the Middlesex magistrates, must +convince all who know us, that we are for a thoroughly free trade +in theatricals; but, nevertheless, we think the <em>Great +Unactables</em> talk egregious nonsense when they prate about the +possibility of their efforts working “a beneficial alteration +in a law which presses so fatally on dramatic genius.” We +think their tom-foolery more likely to induce restrictions that may +prevent others from exposing their mental imbecility, than to +encourage the authorities to relax the laws that might hinder them +from doing so. The boasted compliance with legal requisites in the +mode of preparing “Martinuzzi” for the stage is not a +new idea, and we only hope it may be carried out one-half as well +as in the instances of “Romeo and Juliet as the Law +directs,” and “Othello according to Act of +Parliament.” There is a vaster amount of humbug in the +play-bill of this new concern, than in all the open puffs that have +been issued for many years past from all the regular +establishments. The tirade against the <em>law</em>—the +announcement of alterations in conformity with <em>the +law</em>—the hint that the musical introductions are such as +“<em>the law</em> may require”—mean nothing more +than this—“if the piece is damned, it’s <em>the +law</em>; if it succeeds, it’s the <em>author’s +genius!</em>” Now, every one who has written for the +illegitimate stage, and therefore PUNCH in particular, knows very +well that the necessity for the introduction of music into a piece +played at one of the smaller theatres is only nominal—that +four pieces of verse are interspersed in the copy sent to the +licenser, but these are such matters of utter course, that their +invention or selection is generally left to the prompter’s +genius. The piece is, unless essentially musical, licensed with the +songs and acted without—or, at least, there is no necessity +whatever for retaining them. Why, therefore, should Mr. Stephens +drag “solos, duets, choruses, and other musical +arrangements,” into his drama, unless it is that he thinks +they will give it a better chance of success? while, in the event +of failure, he reserves the right of turning round upon the +<em>law</em> and the <em>music</em>, which he will declare were the +means of damning it.</p> +<p>A set of briefless barristers—all would-be Erskines, +Thurlows, or Eldons, at the least—might as well complain of +the system that excludes them from the Woolsack, and take a +building to turn it into a Court of Chancery on their own account, +as that these luckless scribblers, all fancying the Elizabethan +mantle has fallen flop upon their backs, should set themselves up +for Shakspeares on their own account, and seize on a metropolitan +theatre as a temple for the enshrinement of their genius.</p> +<p>If PUNCH has dealt hardly with these gentlemen, it is because he +will bear “no brother near the throne” of humbug and +quackery. Like a steward who tricks his master, but keeps the rest +of the servants honest, PUNCH will gammon the public to the utmost +of his skill, but he will take care that no one else shall exercise +a trade of which he claims by prescription the entire monopoly.</p> +<hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +1, August 28, 1841, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14925-h.htm or 14925-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/9/2/14925/ + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG +Online Distributed Proofreading + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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