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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1,
+August 28, 1841, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, August 28, 1841
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14925]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG
+Online Distributed Proofreading
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 1.
+
+
+
+FOR THE WEEK ENDING AUGUST 28, 1841.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE HEIR OF APPLEBITE.
+
+
+CHAPTER I.
+
+INTRODUCES THE READER TO THE APPLEBITE FAMILY AND TO AGAMEMNON
+COLLUMPSION APPLEBITE IN PARTICULAR.
+
+
+[Illustration: T]The following is extracted from the _Parliamentary
+Guide_ for 18--:--"APPLEBITE, ISAAC (_Puddingbury_). Born March 25,
+1780; descended from his grandfather, and has issue." And upon
+reference to a monument in Puddingbury church, representing the first
+Mrs. Applebite (who was a housemaid) industriously scrubbing a large
+tea-urn, whilst another figure (supposed to be the second Mrs.
+Applebite) is pointing reproachfully to a little fat cherub who is
+blowing himself into a fit of apoplexy from some unassignable cause or
+another--I say upon reference to this monument, upon which is blazoned
+forth all the stock virtues of those who employ stonemasons, I find,
+that in July, 18--, the said Isaac was gathered unto Abraham's bosom,
+leaving behind him--a seat in the House of Commons--a relict--the issue
+aforesaid, and £50,000 in the three per cents.
+
+The widow Applebite had so arranged matters with her husband, that
+two-thirds of the above sum were left wholly and solely to her, as some
+sort of consolation under her bereavement of the "best of husbands and
+the kindest of fathers." (_Vide_ monument.) Old Isaac must have been a
+treasure, for his wife either missed him so much, or felt so desirous
+to learn if there was another man in the world like him, that, as soon
+as the monument was completed and placed in Puddingbury chancel, she
+married a young officer in a dashing dragoon regiment, and started to
+the Continent to spend the honeymoon, leaving her son--
+
+AGAMEMNON COLLUMPSION APPLEBITE (the apoplectic "cherub" and the
+"issue" alluded to in the _Parliamentary Guide_), to the care of
+himself.
+
+A.C.A. was the pattern of what a young man ought to be. He had 16,000
+and odd pounds in the three per cents., hair that curled naturally,
+stood five feet nine inches without his shoes, always gave a shilling
+to a waiter, lived in a terrace, never stopped out all night (but
+once), and paid regularly every Monday morning. Agamemnon Collumpsion
+Applebite was a happy bachelor! The women were delighted to see him,
+and the men to dine with him: to the one he gave _bouquets_; to the
+other, cigars: in short, everybody considered A.C.A. as A1; and A.C.A.
+considered that A1 was his proper mark.
+
+It is somewhat singular, but no man knows when he _is_ really happy: he
+may fancy that he wants for nothing, and may even persuade himself that
+addition or subtraction would be certain to interfere with the
+perfectitude of his enjoyment. He deceives himself. If he wishes to
+assure himself of the exact state of his feelings, let him ask his
+friends; they are disinterested parties, and will find out some
+annoyance that has escaped his notice. It was thus with Agamemnon
+Collumpsion Applebite. He had made up his mind that he wanted for
+nothing, when it was suddenly found out by his friends that he was in a
+state of felicitous destitution. It was discovered simultaneously, by
+five mamas and eighteen daughters, that Agamemnon Collumpsion Applebite
+_must_ want a wife; and that his sixteen thousand and odd pounds must
+be a source of _undivided_ anxiety to him. Stimulated by the most
+praiseworthy considerations, a solemn compact was entered into by the
+aforesaid five mamas, on behalf of the aforesaid eighteen daughters, by
+which they were pledged to use every means to convince Agamemnon
+Collumpsion Applebite of his deplorable condition; but no unfair
+advantage was to be taken to ensure a preference for any particular one
+of the said eighteen daughters, but that the said Agamemnon Collumpsion
+Applebite should be left free to exercise his own discretion, so far as
+the said eighteen daughters were concerned, but should any other
+daughter, of whatever mama soever, indicate a wish to become a
+competitor, she was to be considered a common enemy, and scandalized
+accordingly.
+
+Agamemnon Collumpsion Applebite, about ten o'clock on the following
+evening, was seated on a sofa, between Mrs. Greatgirdle and Mrs.
+Waddledot (the two mamas deputed to open the campaign), each with a cup
+of very prime Mocha coffee, and a massive fiddle-pattern tea-spoon. On
+the opposite side of the room, in a corner, was a very large cage, in
+the sole occupancy of a solitary Java sparrow.
+
+"My poor bird looks very miserable," sighed Mrs. Greatgirdle, (the
+hostess upon this occasion.)
+
+"Very miserable!" echoed Mrs. Waddledot; and the truth of the remark
+was apparent to every one.
+
+The Java sparrow was moulting and suffering from a cutaneous disorder
+at the same time; so what with the falling off, and scratching off of
+his feathers, he looked in a most deplorable condition; which was
+rendered more apparent by the magnitude of his cage. He seemed like the
+_last_ debtor confined in the Queen's Bench.
+
+"He has never been himself since the death of his mate." (Here the bird
+scarified himself with great violence.) "He is so restless; and though
+he eats very well, and hops about, he seems to have lost all care of
+his person, as though he would put on mourning if he had it."
+
+"Is there no possibility of dyeing his feathers?" remarked Agamemnon
+Collumpsion, feeling the necessity of saying something.
+
+"It is not the inky cloak, Mr. Applebite," replied Mrs. Greatgirdle,
+"that truly indicates regret; but it's here," (laying her hand upon her
+left side): "no--there, under his liver wing, that he feels it, poor
+bird! It's a shocking thing to live alone."
+
+"And especially in such a large cage," said Mrs. Waddledot. "_Your
+house_ is rather large, Mr. Applebite?" inquired Mrs. Greatgirdle.
+
+"Rather, ma'am," replied Collumpsion.
+
+"Ain't you very lonely?" said Mrs. Waddledot and Mrs. Greatgirdle both
+in a breath.
+
+"Why, not--"
+
+"Very lively, you were going to say," interrupted Mrs. G.
+
+Now Mrs. G. was wrong in her conjecture of Collumpsion's reply. He was
+about to say, "Why, not at all;" but she, of course, knew best what he
+ought to have answered.
+
+"I often feel for you, Mr. Applebite," remarked Mrs. Waddledot; "and
+think how strange it is that you, who really are a nice young man--and
+I don't say so to flatter you--that you should have been so
+unsuccessful with the ladies."
+
+Collumpsion's vanity was awfully mortified at this idea.
+
+"It _is_ strange!" exclaimed Mrs. G "I wonder it don't make you
+miserable. There is no home, I mean the '_Sweet, sweet_ home,' without
+a wife. Try, try again, Mr. Applebite," (tapping his arm as she rose;)
+"faint heart never won fair lady."
+
+"I refused Mr. Waddledot three times, but I yielded at last; take
+courage from that, and 24, Pleasant Terrace, may shortly become that
+Elysium--a woman's home," whispered Mrs. W., as she rolled gracefully
+to a card-table; and accidentally, _of course_, cut the ace of spades,
+which she exhibited to Collumpsion with a very mysterious shake of the
+head.
+
+Agamemnon returned to 24, Pleasant Terrace, a discontented man. He felt
+that there was no one sitting up for him--nothing but a rush-light--the
+dog might bark as he entered, but no voice was there to welcome him,
+and with a heavy heart he ascended the two stone steps of his dwelling.
+
+He took out his latch-key, and was about to unlock the door, when a
+loud knocking was heard in the next street. Collumpsion paused, and
+then gave utterance to his feelings. "That's music--positively music.
+This is my house--there's my name on the brass-plate--that's my
+knocker, as I can prove by the bill and receipt; and, yet, here I am
+about to sneak in like a burglar. Old John sha'n't go to bed another
+night; I'll not indulge the lazy scoundrel any longer, Yet the poor old
+fellow nursed me when a child. I'll compromise the matter--I'll knock,
+and let myself in." So saying, Collumpsion thumped away at the door,
+looked around to see that he was unobserved, applied his latch-key, and
+slipped into his house just as old John, in a state of great alarm and
+undress, was descending the stairs with a candle and a boot-jack.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+AN ACUTE ANGLE.
+
+We read in the _Glasgow Courier_ of an enormous salmon hooked at Govan,
+which measured three feet, three inches in length. The _Morning Herald_
+mentions several gudgeons of twice the size, caught, we understand, by
+Alderman Humphery, and conveyed to Town per Blackwall Railway.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+IMPORTANT NEWS FROM CHINA.
+
+ARRIVAL OF THE OVERLAND MAIL!
+
+
+_August 28, 1841._
+
+We have received expresses from the Celestial Empire by our own private
+electro-galvanic communication. As this rapid means of transmission
+carries dispatches so fast that we generally get them even before they
+are written, we are enabled to be considerably in advance of the common
+daily journals; more especially as we have obtained news up to the end
+of next week.
+
+The most important paper which has come to hand is the _Macao Sunday
+Times_. It appears that the fortifications for surrounding Pekin are
+progressing rapidly, but that the government have determined upon
+building the ramparts of japanned canvas and bamboo rods, instead of
+pounded rice, which was thought almost too fragile to resist the
+attacks of the English barbarians. Some handsome guns, of blue and
+white porcelain, have been placed on the walls, with a proportionate
+number of carved ivory balls, elaborately cut one inside the other.
+These, it is presumed, will split upon firing, and produce incalculable
+mischief and confusion. Within the gates a frightful magazine of gilt
+crackers, and other fireworks, has been erected; which, in the event of
+the savages penetrating the fortifications, will be exploded one after
+another, to terrify them into fits, when they will be easily captured.
+This precaution has been scarcely thought necessary by some of the
+mandarins, as our great artist, Wang, has covered the external
+joss-house with frantic figures that, must strike terror to every
+barbarian. Gold paper has also been kept constantly burning, on altars
+of holy clay, at every practicable point of the defences, which it is
+hardly thought they will have the hardihood to approach, and the sacred
+ducks of Fanqui have been turned loose in the river to retard the
+progress of the infidel fleet.
+
+During the storm of last week the portcullis, which hail been placed in
+the northern gate, and was composed of solid rice paper, with
+cross-bars of chop-sticks, was much damaged. It is now under repair,
+and will be coated entirely with tea-chest lead, to render it perfectly
+impregnable. The whole of the household troops and body-guard of the
+emperor have also received new accoutrements of tin-foil and painted
+isinglass. They have likewise been armed with varnished bladders,
+containing peas and date stones, which produce a terrific sound upon
+the least motion.
+
+An Englishman has been gallantly captured this morning, in a small
+boat, by one of our armed junks. He will eat his eyes in the
+Palace-court this afternoon; and then, being enclosed in soft
+porcelain, will be baked to form a statue for the new pagoda at
+Bo-Lung, the first stone of which was laid by the late emperor, to
+celebrate his victory over the rude northern islanders.
+
+
+_Canton_.
+
+The last order of the government, prohibiting the exportation of tea
+and rhubarb, has been issued by the advice of Lin, who translates the
+English newspapers to the council. It is affirmed in these journals,
+that millions of these desert tribes have no other beverage than tea
+for their support. As their oath prohibits any other liquor, they will
+be driven to water for subsistence, and, unable to correct its
+unhealthy influence by doses of rhubarb, will die miserably. In
+anticipation of this event, large catacombs are being erected near
+their great city, on the authority of Slo-Lefe-Tee, who visited it last
+year, and intends shortly to go there again. The rhubarb prohibition
+will, it is said, have a great effect upon the English market for
+plums, pickled salmon, and greengages; and the physicians, or disciples
+of the great Hum, appear uncertain as to the course to be pursued.
+
+The emperor has issued a chop to the Hong merchants, forbidding them to
+assist or correspond with the invaders, under pain of having their
+finger-nails drawn out and rings put in their noses. Howqua resists the
+order, and it is the intention of Lin, should he remain obstinate, to
+recommend his being pounded up with broken crockery and packed in
+Chinese catty packages, to be forwarded, as an example, to the Mandarin
+Pidding, of the wild island.
+
+An English flag, stolen by a deserter from Chusan, will be formally
+insulted to-morrow in the market-place, by the emperor and his court.
+Dust will be thrown at it, accompanied by derisive grimaces, and it
+will be subsequently hoisted, in scorn, to blow, at the mercy of the
+winds, upon the summit of the palace, within sight of the barbarians.
+
+
+LEVANT MAIL.
+
+CONSTANTINOPLE, ALEXANDRIA, AND SMYRNA.
+
+_August 30._
+
+The Sultan got very fuddled last night, with forbidden juice, in the
+harem, and tumbled down the ivory steps leading from the apartment of
+the favourite, by which accident he seriously cut his nose. Every guard
+is to be bastinadoed in consequence, and the wine-merchant will be
+privately sewn up in a canvas-bag and thrown into the Bosphorus this
+evening.
+
+A relation of Selim Pacha, despatched by the Sultan to collect taxes in
+Beyrout, was despatched by the Syrians a few hours after his arrival.
+
+The periodical conflagration of the houses, mosques, and synagogues, in
+Smyrna, took place with great splendour on the 30th ult., and the next
+will be arranged for the ensuing month, when everybody suspected of the
+plague will receive orders from the government to remain in their
+dwellings until they are entirely consumed. By this salutary
+arrangement, it is expected that much improvement will take place in
+the public health.
+
+The inundation of the Nile has also been very favourable this year, The
+water has risen higher than usual, and carried off several hundred poor
+people. The Board of Guardians of the Alexandria Union are consequently
+much rejoiced.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+TO MR GREEN, THE INSPECTOR OF HIGHWAYS.
+
+ON HIS RECENT SKYLARK.
+
+"The air hath bubbles as the water hath."
+
+
+  Huzza! huzza! there goes the balloon--
+    'Tis up like a rocket, and off to the moon!
+      Now fading from our view,
+        Or dimly seen;
+      Now lost in the deep _blue_
+        Is Mr. _Green_!
+
+  Pray have a care,
+    In your path through the air,
+      And mind well what you do;
+        For if you chance to slip
+      Out of your airy ship,
+        Then _down_ you come, and all is _up_ with you.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+FASHIONABLE ARRIVALS.
+
+Two thousand and thirty-five remarkably fine calves, from their various
+rural pasturages at Smithfield. Some of the _heads_ of the party have
+since been seen in the very highest society.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+ADVICE GRATIS.
+
+"What will you take?" said Peel to Russell, on adjourning from the
+School of Design. "Anything you recommend." "Then let it be your
+departure," was the significant rejoinder.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PLEASANT CROPS ABROAD.--A GOOD LOOK OUT FOR THE SYRIANS.
+
+"French agents are said to _be sowing discontent_ in Syria."--_Sunday
+Times_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE GENTLEMAN'S OWN BOOK.
+
+Having advised you in our last paper of "Dress in general," we now
+proceed to the important consideration of
+
+DRESS IN PARTICULAR,
+
+a subject of such paramount interest and magnitude, that we feel an
+Encyclopædia would be barely sufficient for its full developement; and
+it is our honest conviction that, until professorships of this truly
+noble art are instituted at the different universities, the same
+barbarisms of style will be displayed even by those of gentle blood, as
+now too frequently detract from the Augustan character of the age.
+
+To take as comprehensive a view of this subject as our space will
+admit, we have divided it into the quality, the cut, the ornaments, and
+the pathology.
+
+THE QUALITY
+
+comprises _the texture, colour, and age of the materials_.
+
+Of the texture there are only two kinds compatible with the reputation
+of a gentleman--the very fine and the very coarse; or, to speak
+figuratively--the Cachmere and the Witney blanket.
+
+The latter is an emanation from the refinement of the nineteenth
+century, for a prejudice in favour of "extra-superfine" formerly
+existed, as the coarser textures, now prevalent, were confined
+exclusively to common sailors, hackney-coachmen, and bum-bailiffs.
+These frivolous distinctions are happily exploded, and the true
+gentleman may now show in Saxony, or figure in Flushing--the one being
+suggestive of his property, and the other indicative of his taste.
+These remarks apply exclusively to woollens, whether for coats or
+trousers.
+
+It is incumbent on every gentleman to have a perfect library of
+waistcoats, the selection of which must be regulated by the cost of the
+material, as it would be derogatory, in the highest degree, to a man
+aspiring to the character of a _distingué_, to decorate his bosom with
+a garment that would by any possibility come under the denomination of
+"these choice patterns, only 7s. 6d." There are certain designs for
+this important decorative adjunct, which entirely preclude them from
+the wardrobes of the élite--the imaginative bouquets upon red-plush
+grounds, patronised by the ingenious constructors of canals and
+rail-roads--the broad and brilliant Spanish striped Valencias, which
+distinguish the _savans_ or knowing ones of the stable--the cotton
+(must we profane the word!) velvet impositions covered with botanical
+diagrams done in distemper, and monopolized by lawyers' clerks and
+small professionals--the _positive_ or genuine Genoa velvet, with
+violent and showy embellishments of roses, dahlias, and peonies, which
+find favour in the eyes of aldermen, attorneys, and the proprietors of
+four-wheel chaises, are all to be avoided as the fifth daughter of a
+clergyman's widow.
+
+It is almost superfluous to add, that breeches can only be made of
+white leather or white kerseymere, for any other colour or material
+would awaken associations of the dancing-master, the waiter, the
+butler, or the bumpkin, or, what is equally to be dreaded, "the highly
+respectables" of the last century.
+
+The dressing-gown is a portion of the costume which commands particular
+attention; for though no man "can appear as a hero to his valet," he
+must keep up the gentleman. This can only be done by the dressing-gown.
+To gentlemen who occupy apartments, the _robe de chambre_, if properly
+selected, is of infinite advantage; for an Indian shawl or rich
+brocaded silk (of which this garment should only be constructed), will
+be found to possess extraordinary pacific properties with the landlady,
+when the irregularity of your remittances may have ruffled the
+equanimity of her temper, whilst you are
+
+[Illustration: INCLINED TO TAKE IT COOLLY;]
+
+whereas a gray Duffield, or a cotton chintz, would be certain to induce
+deductions highly prejudicial to the respectability of your character,
+or, what is of equal importance, to the duration of your credit.
+
+The colour of your materials should be selected with due regard to the
+species of garment and the tone of the complexion. If the face be of
+that faint drab which your friends would designate _pallid_, and your
+enemies sallow, a coat of pea-green or snuff-brown must be scrupulously
+eschewed, whilst black or invisible green would, by contrast, make that
+appear delicate and interesting, which, by the use of the former
+colours, must necessarily seem bilious and brassy.
+
+The rosy complexionist must as earnestly avoid all sombre tints, as the
+inelegance of a healthful appearance should never be obtrusively
+displayed by being placed in juxta-position with colours diametrically
+opposite, though it is almost unnecessary to state that any one
+ignorant enough to appear of an evening in a coat of any other colour
+than blue or black (regimentals, of course, excepted), would certainly
+be condemned to a quarantine in the servant's hall. There are colours
+which, if worn for trousers by the first peer of the realm, would be as
+condemnatory of his character as a gentleman, as levanting on the
+settling-day for the Derby.
+
+The dark drab, which harmonises with the mud--the peculiar
+pepper-and-salt which is warranted not to grow gray with age--the
+indescribable mixtures, which have evidently been compounded for the
+sake of economy, must ever be exiled from the wardrobe and legs of a
+gentleman.
+
+The hunting-coat must be invariably of scarlet, due care being taken
+before wearing to dip the tips of the tails in claret or port wine,
+which, for new coats, or for those of gentlemen who do _not_ hunt, has
+been found to give them an equally veteran appearance with the sweat of
+the horse.
+
+_Of the age_ it is only necessary to state, that a truly fashionable
+suit should never appear under a week, or be worn longer than a month
+from the time that it left the hands of its parent schneider.
+Shooting-coats are exceptions to the latter part of this rule, as a
+garment devoted to the field should always bear evidence of long
+service, and a new jacket should be consigned to your valet, who, if he
+understands his profession, will carefully rub the shoulders with a
+hearth-stone and bole-ammonia, to convey the appearance of friction and
+the deposite of the rust of the gun[1].
+
+    [1] Gentlemen who are theoretical, rather than practical sportsmen,
+        would find it beneficial to have a partridge carefully plucked,
+        and the feathers sparingly deposited in the pockets of the
+        shooting-jacket usually applied to the purposes of carrying
+        game. Newgate Market possesses all the advantages of a
+        preserved manor.
+
+Of the cut, ornaments, and pathology of dress, we shall speak next
+week, for these are equally essential to ensure
+
+[Illustration: AN INTRODUCTION TO FASHIONABLE SOCIETY.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+BEGINNING EARLY.
+
+We are informed by the _Times_ of Saturday, that at the late
+Conservative enactment at D.L., not only his Royal Highness Prince
+Albert, but the _infant_ Princess Royal, was "drunk, with the usual
+honours."--[_Proh pudor!_--PUNCH.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SIBTHORP'S VERY BEST.
+
+Sibthorp, meeting Peel in the House of Commons, after congratulating
+him on his present enviable position, finished the confab with the
+following unrivalled conundrum:--"By the bye, which of your vegetables
+does your Tamworth speech resemble!"--"Spinach," replied Peel, who, no
+doubt, associated it with _gammon_.--"Pshaw," said the gallant Colonel,
+"your rope inions (_your opinions_), to be sure!" Peel opened his
+mouth, and never closed it till he took his seat at the table.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+BEAUTIFUL COINCIDENCE!--A PAIR OF TOOLS.
+
+Sir Francis Burdett, the superannuated Tory _tool_, proposed the
+Conservative healths; and _Toole_ the second, as toast-master,
+announced them to the assemblage.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE CURRAH CUT;
+
+OR, HOW WE ALL GOT A FI'PENNY BIT A-PIECE.
+
+
+"Are the two ponies ready?"
+
+"Yes!"
+
+"And the ass?"
+
+"All right!"
+
+"And you've, all five of you, got your fi'pennies for Tony Dolan, the
+barber, at Kells?"
+
+"Every one of us."
+
+"Then be off; there's good boys! Ride and tie like Christians, and
+don't be going double on the brute beasts; for a bit of a walk now and
+then will just stretch your legs. Be back at five to dinner; and let us
+see what bucks you'll look with your new-trimmed curls. Stay, there's
+another fi'penny; spend that among you, and take care of yourselves, my
+little jewels!"
+
+Such were the parting queries and instructions of my kind old uncle to
+five as roaring, mischievous urchins as ever stole whisky to soak the
+shamrock on St. Patrick's day. The chief director, schemer, and
+perpetrator of all our fun and devilry, was, strange to say, "my cousin
+Bob:" the smallest, and, with one exception, the youngest of the party.
+But Bob was his grandmother's "ashey pet"--his mother's "jewel"--his
+father's "mannikin"--his nurse's "honey"--and the whole world's
+"darlin' little devil of a rogue!" The expression of a face naturally
+arch, beaming with good humour, and radiant with happy laughter, was
+singularly heightened by a strange peculiarity of vision, which I am at
+a loss to describe. It was, if the reader can idealise the thing, an
+absolute "beauty," which, unfortunately, can only be written about by
+the appliances of some term conveying the notion of a blemish. The
+glances from his bright eyes seemed to steal out from under their long
+fringe, the most reckless truants of exulting mirth. No matter what he
+said, he looked a joke. Now for his orders:--
+
+"Aisy with you, lads. Cousin Harry, take first ride on St. Patrick (the
+name of the ass)--here's a leg up. The two Dicks can have Scrub and
+Rasper. Jack and Billy, boys, catch a hold of the bridles, or devil a
+ha'p'worth of ride and tie there'll be in at all, if them Dicks get the
+start--Shanks' mare will take you to Kells. Don't be galloping off in
+that manner, but shoot aisy! Remember, the ass has got to keep up with
+you, and I've got to keep up with the ass. That's the thing--steady she
+goes! It's an elegant day, and no hurry in life. Spider! come here,
+boy--that's right. Down, sir! down, you devil, or wipe your paws. Bad
+manners to you--look at them breeches! Never mind, there's a power of
+rats at Tony Carroll's barn--it's mighty little out o' the way, and may
+be we'll get a hunt. What say you?"
+
+"A hunt, a hunt, by all manes! there's the fun of it! Come on,
+lads--here's the place!--turn off, and go to work! Wait, wait! get a
+stick a-piece, and break the necks of 'em! Hurrah!--in Spider!--find
+'em boy! Good lad! Tare an ouns, you may well squeak! Good dog! good
+dog! that's a grandfather!--we'll have more yet; the family always come
+to the ould one's berrin'. I've seen 'em often, and mighty dacent they
+behave. Damn Kells and the barber, up with the boords and go to
+work!--this is something like sport! Houly Paul, there's one up my
+breeches--here's the tail of him--he caught a hould of my
+leather-garter. Come out of that, Spider! Spider, here he is--that's
+it--give him another shake for his impudence--serve him out! Hurrah!"
+
+"Fast and furious" grew our incessant urging on of the willing Spider,
+for his continued efforts at extermination. At the end of two hours,
+the metamorphosed barn was nearly stripped of its flooring--nine huge
+rats lay dead, as trophies of our own achievements--the panting Spider,
+"by turns caressing, and by turns caressed," licking alternately the
+hands and faces of all, as we sat on the low ledge of the doorway,
+wagging his close-cut stump of tail, as if he were resolved, by his
+unceasing exertions, to get entirely rid of that excited dorsal
+ornament.
+
+"This is the rael thing," said Bob.
+
+"So it is," said Dick; "but"--
+
+"But what?"
+
+"Why, devil a ha'p'orth of Kells or hair-cutting there's in it."
+
+"Not a taste," chimed in Jack.
+
+"Nothing like it," echoed Will.
+
+"What will we do?" said all at once. There was a short pause--after
+which the matter was resumed by Dick, who was intended for a parson,
+and therefore rather given to moralising.
+
+"Life," quoth Dick--"life's uncertain."
+
+"You may say that," rejoined Bob; "look at them rats."
+
+"Tony Dowlan's a hard-drinking man, and his mother had fits."
+
+"Of the same sort," said Bob.
+
+"Well, then," continued Dick, "there's no knowing--he may be dead--if
+so, how could he cut our hair?"
+
+Here Dick, like Brutus, paused for a reply. Bob produced one.
+
+"It's a good scheme, but it won't do; the likes of him never does
+anything he's wanted to. He's the contrariest ould thief in Ireland! I
+wish mama hadn't got a party; we'd do well enough but for that. Never
+mind, boys, I've got it. There's Mikey Brian, he's the boy!
+
+"What for?"
+
+"To cut the hair of the whole of us."
+
+"_He_ can't do it."
+
+"Can't! wait, a-cushla, till I tell you, or, what's better, show you.
+Come now, you devils. Look at the heels (Rasper's and Scrub's) of them
+ponies! Did ever you see anything like them!--look at the cutting
+there--Tony Dowlan never had the knack o' that tasty work in his dirty
+finger and thumb--and who done that? Why Mikey Brian--didn't I see him
+myself; and isn't he the boy that can 'bang Bannaker' at anything! Oh!
+he'll cut us elegant!--he'll do the squad for a fi'penny--and then,
+lads, there's them five others will be just one a-piece to buy gut and
+flies! Come on, you Hessians!"
+
+No sooner proposed than acceded to--off we set, for the eulogised
+"Bannaker banging Mikey Brian."
+
+A stout, handsome boy he was--rising four-and-twenty--a fighting,
+kissing, rollicking, ball-playing, dancing vagabone, as you'd see in a
+day's march--such a fellow as you only meet in Ireland--a bit of a
+gardener, a bit of a groom, a bit of a futboy, and a bit of a
+horse-docthor.
+
+We reached the stables by the back way, and there, in his own peculiar
+loft, was Mikey Brian, brushing a somewhat faded livery, in which to
+wait upon the coming quality.
+
+Bob stated the case, as far as the want of our locks' curtailment went,
+but made no mention of the delay which occasioned our coming to Mikey;
+on the contrary, he attributed the preference solely to our conviction
+of his superior abilities, and the wish to give him a chance, as he
+felt convinced, if he had fair play, he'd be engaged miles round,
+instead of the hopping old shaver at Kells.
+
+"I'm your man, Masther Robert."
+
+"Who's first?"
+
+"I am--there's the fi'penny--that's for the lot!"
+
+"Good luck to you, sit down--will you have the Currah thoro'bred-cut?"
+
+"That's the thing," said Bob.
+
+"Then, young gentlement, as there ain't much room--and if you do be all
+looking on, I'll be bothered--just come in one by one."
+
+Out we went, and, in an inconceivably short space, Bob emerged.
+
+Mikey advising: "Master Robert, dear, keep your hat on for the life of
+you, for fear of cowld." A few minutes finished us all.
+
+"This is elegant," said Bob. "Mikey, it will be the making of you; but
+don't say a word till you hear how they'll praise you at dinner."
+
+"Mum!" said Mikey, and off we rushed.
+
+I felt rather astonished at the ease with which my hat sat; while those
+of the rest appeared ready to fall over their noses. Being in a hurry,
+this was passed over. The second dinner-bell rang--we bolted up for a
+brief ablution--our hats were thrown into a corner, and, as if by one
+consent, all eyes were fixed upon each other's heads!
+
+Bob gave tongue: "The Devil's skewer to Mikey Brian! and bad luck to
+the Currah thoro'bred cut! Not the eighth part of an inch of 'air there
+is amongst the set of us. What will the master say? Never mind; we've
+got the fi'pennies! Come to dinner!--by the Puck we are beauties!"
+
+We reached the dining-room unperceived; but who can describe the agony
+of my aunt Kate, when she clapped her eyes upon five such close-clipped
+scarecrows. She vowed vengence of all sorts and descriptions against
+the impudent, unnatural, shameful monster! Terms which Mikey Brian, in
+the back-ground, appropriated to himself, and with the utmost
+difficulty restrained his rising wrath from breaking out.
+
+"What," continued aunt Kate, "what does he call this?"
+
+"It's the thoro'bred Currah-cut, ma'am," said Bob, with one of his
+peculiar glances at Mikey and the rest.
+
+"And mighty cool wearing, I'll be bail," muttered Mikey.
+
+"Does he call that hair-cutting?" screamed my aunt.
+
+"That, and nothing but it," quietly retorted Bob, passing his hand over
+his head; "you can't deny the cutting, ma'am."
+
+"The young gentlemen look elegant," said Mikey.
+
+"I'm told it's all the go, ma'am," said Bob.
+
+"Wait!" said my aunt, with suppressed rage; "wait till I go to Kells."
+
+This did not happen for six weeks; our aunt's anger was mollified as
+our locks were once more human. Upon upbraiding "Tony Knowlan" the
+murder came out. A hearty laugh ensured our pardon, and Mikey Brian's;
+and the story of the "thoro'bred Currah-cut" was often told, as the
+means by which "we all got a fi'penny bit a-piece."--FUSBOS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+There is a portrait of a person so like him, that, the other day, a
+friend who called took no notice whatever of the man, further than
+saying he was a good likeness, but asked the portrait to dinner, and
+only found out his mistake when he went up to shake hands with it at
+parting.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+An American hearing that there was a fire in his neighbourhood, and
+that it might possibly consume his house, took the precaution to _bolt_
+his own door; that he might be, so far at least, beforehand with the
+_devouring_ element.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+BAD EITHER WAY.
+
+The peace, happiness, and prosperity of England, are threatened by
+_Peel_; in Ireland, the picture is reversed: the safety of that country
+is endangered by _Re-peal_. It would be hard to say which is worst.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A CONSTANT PAIR.
+
+  Jane is a constant wench (so Sibthorp says);
+  For in how _many_ shops you see _Jean stays_!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A COUNT AND HIS SCHNEIDER.
+
+The Count's fashioner sent in, the other day, his bill, which was a
+pretty considerable time overdue, accompanied by the following polite
+note:--
+
+"Sir,--Your bill having been for a very long time standing, I beg that
+it may be settled forthwith.
+
+"Yours,
+"B----."
+
+
+To which Snip received the following reply:--
+
+"Sir,--I am very sorry that your bill should have been kept standing so
+long. Pray request it to _sit_ down.
+
+"Yours,
+"**"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+NARRATIVE OF AN AWFUL CASE OF EXTREME DISTRESS.
+
+It was in the year 1808, that myself and seven others resolved upon
+taking chambers in Staples' Inn. Our avowed object was to study, but we
+had in reality assembled together for the purposes of convivial
+enjoyment, and what were then designated "sprees." Our stock consisted
+of four hundred and twelve pounds, which we had drawn from our parents
+and guardians under the various pretences of paying fees and procuring
+books for the advancement of our knowledge in the sublime mysteries of
+that black art called Law. In addition to our pecuniary resources, we
+had also a fair assortment of wearing-apparel, and it was well for us
+that parental anxiety had provided most of us with a change of garments
+suitable to the various seasons. For a long time everything went on
+riotously and prosperously. We visited the Theatres, the Coal-hole, the
+Cider-cellars, and the Saloon, and became such ardent admirers of the
+"Waterford system of passing a night and morning," that scarcely a day
+came without a draft upon the treasury for that legal imposition upon
+the liberty of the subject--the five-shilling fine; besides the
+discharge of promissory notes as compensation for trifling damages done
+to the heads and property of various individuals.
+
+About a month after the formation of our association we were all
+suffering severely from thirsty head-aches, produced, I am convinced,
+by the rapid consumption of thirteen bowls of whiskey-punch on the
+preceding night. The rain was falling in perpendicular torrents, and
+the whole aspect of out-of-door nature was gloomy and sloppy, when we
+were alarmed by the exclamation of Joseph Jones (a relation of the
+Welsh Joneses), who officiated as our treasurer, and upon inquiring the
+cause, were horror-stricken to find that we had arrived at our last
+ten-pound note, and that the landlord had sent an imperative message,
+requiring the immediate settlement of our back-rent. It is impossible
+to paint the consternation depicted on every countenance, already
+sufficiently disordered by previous suffering and biliary
+disarrangement.
+
+I was the first to speak; for being the son of a shabby-genteel father,
+I had witnessed in my infancy many of those schemes to raise the
+needful, to which ambitious men with limited incomes are so frequently
+driven. I therefore bid them be of good heart, for that any pawnbroker
+in the neighbourhood would readily advance money upon the superfluous
+wardrobe which we possessed. This remark was received with loud cheers,
+which, I have no doubt, would have been much more vehement but from the
+fatal effects of the whiskey-punch.
+
+The landlord's claim was instantly discharged, and after several pots
+of strong green tea, rendered innocuous by brandy, we sallied forth in
+pursuit of what we then ignorantly conceived to be pleasure.
+
+I will not pause to particularise the gradual diminution of our
+property, but come at once to that period when, having consumed all our
+superfluities, it become a serious subject of consideration, what
+should next be sacrificed.
+
+I will now proceed to make extracts from our general diary, merely
+premising that our only attendant was an asthmatic individual named
+Peter.
+
+_Dec. 2, 1808._--Peter reported stock--eight coats, eight waistcoats,
+eight pairs of trousers, two ounces of coffee, half a quartern loaf,
+and a ha'p'orth of milk. The eight waistcoats required for dinner.
+Peter ordered to pop accordingly--proceeds 7s. 6d. Invested in a small
+leg of mutton and half-and-half.
+
+_Dec. 3._--Peter reported stock--coats _idem_, trousers _idem_--a
+mutton bone--rent due--a coat and a pair of trousers ordered for
+immediate necessities--lots drawn--Jones the victim. Moved the court to
+grant him his trousers, as his coat was lined with silk, which would
+furnish the trimmings--rejected. Peter popped the suit, and Jones went
+to bed. All signed an undertaking to redeem Jones with the first
+remittance from the country. Proceeds 40s. Paid rent, and dined on
+à-la-mode beef and potatoes--beer limited to one quart. Peter hinted at
+wages, and was remonstrated with on the folly and cruelty of his
+conduct.
+
+_Dec. 4._--Peter reported stock--seven coats, seven pairs of trousers,
+and a gentleman in bed. Washerwoman called--gave notice of detaining
+linen unless settled with--two coats and one pair of trousers ordered
+for consumption. Lots drawn--Smith the victim for coat and
+trousers--Brown for the continuations only. Smith retired to bed--Brown
+obtained permission to sit in a blanket. Proceeds of the above,
+38s.--both pairs of trousers having been reseated. Jones very violent,
+declaring it an imposition, and that every gentleman who had been
+repaired, should enter himself so on the books. The linen redeemed,
+leaving--nothing for dinner.
+
+_Dec. 5._--Peter reported stock--four coats, and five pairs of
+trousers. Account not agreeing, Peter was called in--found that
+Williams had bolted--Jones offered to call him out, if we would dress
+him for the day--Smith undertook to negotiate preliminaries on the same
+conditions--Williams voted not worth powder and shot in the present
+state of our finances. A coat and two pair of continuations ordered for
+supplies--lots drawn--Black and Edwards the victims. Black retired to
+bed, and Edwards to a blanket--proceeds, 20s. Jones, Smith, and Black,
+petitioned for an increased supply of coals--agreed to. Dinner, a large
+leg of mutton and baked potatoes. Peter lodged a detainer against the
+change, as he wanted his hair cut and a box of vegetable pills--so he
+said.
+
+_Dec. 6._--Peter reported stock--three coats, three pairs of trousers,
+quarter of a pound of mutton, and one potato. Landlord sent a note
+remonstrating against using the beds all day, and applying the blankets
+to the purposes of dressing-gowns. Proposed, in consequence of this
+impertinent communication, that the payment of the next week's rent be
+disputed--carried _nem. con_. A coat and a pair of trousers ordered for
+the day's necessities--Peter popped as usual--proceeds, 10s. 6d.--coals
+bought--ditto a quire of paper, and the _et cets_. for home
+correspondence. Blue devils very prevalent.
+
+_Dec. 7._--Peter reported stock--two coats, two pairs of trousers, and
+five gentlemen in bed. Smith hinted at the "beauties of _Burke_"--Peter
+brought a note for Jones--everybody in ecstacy--Jones's jolly old uncle
+from Glamorganshire had arrived in town. Huzza! safe for a 20l. Busker
+(_that's myself_) volunteered his suit--Jones dressed and off in a
+brace of shakes--caught Peter laughing--found it was a hoax of Jones's
+to give us the slip--would have stripped Peter, only his clothes were
+worth nothing--calculated the produce of the remaining suit at--
+
+    Buttons   .  .  .  .  . a breakfast.
+    Two sleeves  .  .  .  . one pint of porter.
+    Body .  .  .  . .  .  . four plates of à-la-mode.
+    Trousers (at per leg) . half a quartern loaf.
+
+Caught an idea.--wrote an anonymous letter to the landlord, and told
+him that an association had been formed to burke Colonel Sibthorp--his
+lodgers the conspirators--that the scheme was called the "Lie-a-bed
+plot"--poverty with his lodgers all fudge--men of immense wealth--get
+rid of them for his own sake--old boy very nervous, having been in quod
+for smuggling--gave us warning--couldn't go if we would. Landlord
+redeemed our clothes. Ha! ha!--did him brown.
+
+The above is a statement of what I suffered during my minority. I have
+now the honour to be a magistrate and a member of Parliament.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE RICH OLD BUFFER.
+
+A MAIDEN LYRIC.
+
+  Urge it no more! I must not wed
+    One who is poor, so hold your prattle;
+  My lips on love have ne'er been fed,
+    With poverty I cannot battle.
+  My choice is made--I know I'm right--
+    Who wed for love starvation suffer;
+  So I will study day and night
+    To please and win a rich OLD BUFFER.
+
+  Romance is very fine, I own;
+    Reality is vastly better;
+  I'm twenty--past--romance is flown--
+    To Cupid I'm no longer debtor.
+  Wealth, power, and rank--I ask no more--
+    Let the world frown, with these I'll rough her--
+  Give me an equipage and four,
+    Blood bays, a page, and--rich OLD BUFFER.
+
+  An opera-box shall be my court,
+    Myself the sovereign of the women;
+  There moustached loungers shall resort,
+    Whilst Elssler o'er the stage is skimming.
+  If any rival dare dispute
+    The palm of _ton_, my set shall huff her;
+  I'll reign supreme, make envy mute,
+    When once I wed a rich OLD BUFFFER!
+
+  "The heart"--"the feelings"--pshaw! for nought
+    _They_ go, I grant, though quite enchanting
+  In valentines by school-girls wrought:
+    Nonsense! by me they are not wanting.
+  A note! and, as I live, a ring!
+    "Pity the sad suspense I suffer!"
+  All's right. I knew to book I'd bring
+    Old Brown. I've caught--
+                            A RICH OLD BUFFER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PHILANTHROPY, FINE WRITING, AND FIREWORKS.
+
+A writer in a morning paper, eulogising the Licensed Victuallers' fête
+at Vauxhall Gardens, on Tuesday evening, bursts into the following
+magnificent flight:--"Wit has been profanely said, like the Pagan, to
+deify the brute" (the writer will never increase the mythology); "but
+here," (that is, in the royal property,) "while intellect and skill"
+(together with Roman candles) "exhibit their various manifestations,
+Charity" (arrack punch and blue fire) "throw their benign halo over the
+festive scene" (in the circle and Widdicomb), "and not only sanctify
+the enjoyment" (of ham and Green's ascent), "but improve" (the
+appetite) "and elevate" (the victuallers) "the feelings" (and the
+sky-rockets) "of all who participate in it" (and the sticks coming
+down). "This is, truly an occasion when every licensed victualler
+should be at his post" (with a stretcher in waiting).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+IMPERIAL PARLIAMENT.
+
+As the coming session of Parliament is likely to be a busy one--for
+PUNCH--we have engaged some highly talented gentlemen expressly to
+report the fun in the House. The public will therefore have the benefit
+of all the senatorial brilliancy, combined with our own peculiar powers
+of description. Sibthorp--(scintillations fly from our pen as we trace
+the magic word)--shall, for one session at least, have justice done to
+his Sheridanic mind. Muntz shall be cut with a friendly hand, and Peter
+Borthwick feel that the days of his histrionic glories are returned,
+when his name, and that of "Avon's swan," figured daily in the
+"_Stokum-cum-Pogis Gazette_." Let any member prove himself worthy of
+being associated with the brilliant names which ornament our pages, and
+be certain we will insure his immortality. We will now proceed to our
+report of
+
+THE QUEEN'S SPEECH.
+
+      MY LORDS AND GENTLEMEN,
+          This morn at crow-cock,
+          Great Doctor Locock
+  Decided that her Majesty had better
+  Remain at home, for (as _I_ read the letter)
+  He thought the opening speech
+  Would be "more honoured in the breach
+  Than the observance." So here I am,
+  To read a royal speech without a flam.
+  Her Majesty continues to receive
+  From Foreign Powers good reasons to believe
+  That, for the universe, they would not tease her,
+  But do whate'er they could on earth to please her.
+        A striking fact,
+        That proves each act
+  Of _us_, the Cabinet, has been judicious,
+  Though of our conduct _some_ folks _are_ suspicious.
+  Her Majesty has also satisfaction
+  To state the July treaty did succeed
+  (Aided, no doubt, by Napier's gallant action),
+  And that in peace the Sultan smokes his weed.
+  That France, because she was left out,
+  Did for a little while--now bounce--now pout,
+  Is in the best of humours, and will still
+  Lend us her Jullien, monarch of quadrille!
+  And as her Majesty's a peaceful woman,
+  She hopes we shall get into rows with no man.
+  Her Majesty is also glad to say,
+  That as the Persian troops have march'd away,
+  Her Minister has orders to resume
+  His powers at Teheran, where he's ta'en a room.
+  Her Majesty regrets that the Chinese
+  Are running up the prices of our teas:
+  But should the Emperor continue crusty,
+  Elliot's to find out if his jacket's dusty.
+  Her Majesty has also had the pleasure
+  (By using a conciliatory measure)
+  To settle Spain and Portugal's division
+  About the Douro treaty's true provision.
+  Her Majesty (she grieves to say) 's contrived to get,
+  Like all her predecessors, into debt--
+  In Upper Canada, which, we suppose,
+  By this time is a fact the Council knows,
+  And what they think, or say, or write about it,
+  You'll he advised of, and the Queen don't doubt it,
+  But you'll contrive to make the thing all square,
+  So leaves the matter to your loyal care.
+      GENTLEMEN OF THE HOUSE OF COMMONS,
+  Her Majesty, I'm proud to say, relies
+  On you with confidence for the supplies;
+  And, as there's much to pay, she begs to hint
+  She hopes sincerely you'll not spare the Mint.
+      MY LORDS AND GENTLEMEN,
+  The public till,
+  I much regret to say, is looking ill;
+  For Canada and China, and the Whigs--no, no--
+  Some other prigs--have left the cash so-so:
+  But as our soldiers and our tars, brave lads,
+  Won't shell out shells till we shell out the brads,
+  Her Majesty desires you'll be so kind
+  As to devise some means to raise the wind,
+  Either by taxing more or taxing less,
+  Relieving or increasing our distress;
+  Or by increasing twopennies to quarterns,
+  Or keeping up the price which "Commons shortens;"
+  By making weavers' wages high or low,
+  Or other means, but what we do not know.
+  But the one thing our royal mistress axes,
+  Is, that you'll make the people pay their taxes.
+  The last request, I fear, will cause surprise--
+  Her Majesty requests _you to be wise_.
+  If you comply at once, the world will own
+  It is the greatest miracle e'er known.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE DINNEROLOGY OF ENGLAND.
+
+Man is the only animal that cooks his dinner before he eats it. All
+other species of the same genus are content to take the provisions of
+nature as they find them; but man's reason has designed pots and
+roasting-jacks, stewpans and bakers' ovens; thus opening a wide field
+for the exercise of that culinary ingenuity which has rendered the
+names of Glasse and Kitchiner immortal. Of such importance is the
+gastronomic art to the well-being of England, that we question much if
+the "wooden walls," which have been the theme of many a song, afford
+her the same protection as her dinners. The ancients sought, by the
+distribution of crowns and flowers, to stimulate the enterprising and
+reward the successful; but England, despising such empty honours and
+distinctions, tempts the diffident with a haunch of venison, and
+rewards the daring with real turtle.
+
+If charity seeks the aid of the benevolent, she no longer trusts to the
+magic of oratory to "melt the tender soul to pity," and untie the
+purse-strings; but, grown wise by experience, she sends in her card in
+the shape of "a guinea ticket, bottle of wine included;" and thus
+appeals, if not to the heart, at least to its next-door neighbour--the
+stomach.
+
+The hero is no longer conducted to the temple of Victory amid the
+shouts of his grateful and admiring countrymen, but to the Freemason's,
+the Crown and Anchor, or the Town Hall, there to have his plate heaped
+with the choicest viands, his glass tilled from the best bins, and "his
+health drank with three times three, and a little one in."
+
+The bard has now to experience "the happiest moment of his life" amid
+the jingling of glasses, the rattle of dessert plates, and the
+stentorian vociferations of the toast-master to "charge your glasses,
+gentlemen--Mr. Dionysius Dactyl, the ornament of the age, with nine
+times nine," and to pour out the flood of his poetic gratitude, with
+half a glass of port in one hand and a table-napkin in the other.
+
+The Cicero who has persuaded an enlightened body of electors to receive
+£10,000 decimated amongst them, and has in return the honour of
+sleeping in "St. Stephen's," and smoking in "Bellamy's," or, to be less
+figurative, who has been returned as their representative in
+Parliament, receives the foretaste of his importance in a "public
+dinner," which commemorates his election; or should he desire to
+express "the deep sense of his gratitude," like Lord Mahon at Hertford,
+he cannot better prove his sincerity than by the liberal distribution
+of invitations for the unrestrained consumption of mutton, and the
+unlimited imbibition of "foreign wines and spirituous liquors."
+
+If a renegade, like Sir Francis Burdett, is desirous of making his
+apostacy the theme of general remark--of surprising the world with an
+exhibition of prostrated worth--let him not seek the market-cross to
+publish his dishonour, whilst there remains the elevated chair at a
+dinner-table. Let him prove himself entitled to be ranked as a man, by
+the elaborate manner in which he seasons his soup or anatomises a
+joint. Let him have the glass and the towel--the one to cool the
+tongue, which must burn with the fulsome praises of those whom he has
+hitherto decried, and the other as a ready appliance to conceal the
+blush which must rush to the cheek from the consciousness of the
+thousand recollections of former professions awakened in the minds of
+every applauder of his apostacy. Let him have a Toole to give bold
+utterance to the toasts which, in former years, would have called forth
+his contumely and indignation, and which, even now, he dare only
+whisper, lest the echo of his own voice should be changed into a curse.
+Let him have wine, that his blood may riot through his veins and drive
+memory onward. Let him have wine, that when the hollow cheers of his
+new allies ring in his ears he may be incapable of understanding their
+real meaning; or, when he rises to respond to the lip-service of his
+fellow bacchanals, the fumes may supply the place of mercy, and save
+him from the abjectness of self-degradation. Burdett! the 20th of
+August will never be forgotten! You have earned an epitaph that will
+scorch men's eyes--
+
+  "To the last a renegade."[2]
+    *      *      *      *
+
+    [2] "Siege of Corinth."
+
+Who that possesses the least reflection ever visited a police-office
+without feeling how intimately it was connected with the cook-shop! The
+victims to the intoxicating qualities of pickled salmon, oyster-sauce,
+and lobster salad, are innumerable; for where one gentleman or lady
+pleads guilty to too much wine, a thousand extenuate on the score of
+indigestion. We are aware that the disorganisation of the digestive
+powers is very prevalent--about one or two in the morning--and we have
+no doubt the Conservative friends of Captain Rous, who patriotically
+contributed five shillings each to the Queen, and one gentleman (a chum
+of our own at Cheam, if we mistake not) a sovereign to the poor-box,
+were all doubtlessly suffering from this cause, combined with their
+enthusiasm for the gallant Rous, and--_proh pudor!_--Burdett.
+
+How much, then, are we indebted to our cooks! those perspiring
+professors of gastronomy and their valuable assistants--the industrious
+scullery-maids. Let not the Melbourne opposition to this meritorious
+class, be supported by the nation at large; for England would soon
+cease to occupy her present proud pre-eminence, did her rulers, her
+patriots, and her heroes, sit down to cold mutton, or the villanously
+dressed "joints ready from 12 to 5." Justice is said to be the
+foundation of all national prosperity--we contend that it is
+repletion--that Mr. Toole, the toast-master, is the only embodiment of
+fame, and that true glory consists of a gratuitous participation in
+"Three courses and a dessert!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+INQUEST--NOT EXTRAORDINARY.
+
+  Great Bulwer's works fell on Miss Basbleu's head.
+  And, in a moment, lo! the maid was dead!
+  A jury sat, and found the verdict plain--
+  "She died of _milk_ and _water on the brain_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH'S PENCILLINGS.--NO. VII.
+
+[Illustration: TRIMMING A W(H)IG.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+NAPOLEON'S STATUE AT BOULOGNE.
+
+    [The bronze statue of Napoleon which was last placed on the summit
+    of the grand column at Boulogne with extraordinary ceremony, has
+    been turned, by design or accident, with its back to England.]
+
+  Upon its lofty column's stand,
+    Napoleon takes his place;
+  His back still turned upon that land
+    That never saw his face.
+
+
+THE HIEROGLYPHIC DECIPHERED.
+
+The letters V.P.W. scratched by some person on the brow of the statue
+of Napoleon while it lay on the ground beside the column, which were
+supposed to stand for the insulting words _Vaincu par Wellington_, have
+given great offence to the French. We have authority for contradicting
+this unjust explanation. The letters are the work of an ambitious
+Common Councilman of Portsoken Ward, who, wishing to associate himself
+with the great Napoleon, scratched on the bronze the initials of his
+name--V.P.W.--VILLIAM PAUL WENABLES.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    [Transcriber's note: This was marked as "NO. 3", but it is the 5th
+    one of the series.]
+
+SONGS FOR THE SENTIMENTAL.--NO. 5.
+
+  "O fly with me, lady, my gallant _destrere_
+    Is as true as the brand by my side;
+  Through flood and o'er moorland his master he'll bear,
+    With the maiden he seeks for a bride."
+  This, this was the theme of the troubadour's lay,
+    And thus did the lady reply:--
+  "Sir knight, ere I trust thee, look hither and say,
+    Do you see any green in my eye?"
+
+  "O, doubt me not, lady, my lance shall maintain
+    That thou'rt peerless in beauty and fame;
+  And the bravest should eat of the dust of the plain,
+    Who would quaff not a cup to thy name."
+  "I doubt not thy prowess in list or in fray,
+    For none dare thy courage belie;
+  And I'll trust thee, though kindred and priest say me nay--
+    When you see any green in my eye!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+TO POLITICAL WRITERS,
+
+AND TO THE EDITOR OF THE "TIMES" IN PARTICULAR.
+
+Mr. Solomons begs to announce to reporters of newspapers, that he has
+constructed, at a very great expense, several sets of new glasses,
+which will enable the wearer to see as small or as great a number of
+auditors, at public conferences and political meetings, as may suit his
+purpose. Mr. Solomons has also invented a new kind of ear-trumpet,
+which will enable a reporter to hear only such portions of an harangue
+as may be in accordance with his political bias; or should there be
+nothing uttered by any speaker that may suit his purpose, these
+ear-trumpets will change the sounds of words and the construction of
+sentences in such a way as to be incontrovertible, although every
+syllable should be diverted from its original meaning and intention.
+They have also the power of larding a speech with "loud cheers," or
+"strong disapprobation."
+
+These valuable inventions have been in use for some years by Mr.
+Solomons' respected friend, the editor of the _Times_; but no publicity
+has been given to them, until Mr. S. had completely tested their
+efficacy. He has now much pleasure in subjoining, for the information
+of the public, the following letter, of the authenticity of which Mr.
+S. presumes no one can entertain a doubt.
+
+LETTER FROM THE EDITOR OF THE "TIMES."
+
+It is with much pleasure that I am enabled, my dear Solomons, to give
+my humble testimony in favour of your new political glasses and
+ear-trumpet. By their invaluable aid I have been enabled, for some
+years, to see and hear just what suited my purpose. I have recommended
+them to my _protégé_, Sir Robert Peel, who has already tried the
+glasses, and, I am happy to state, does not see quite so many
+objections to a fixed duty as he did before using these wonderful
+illuminators. The gallant Sibthorp (at my recommendation) carried one
+of your ear-trumpets to the House on Friday last, and states that he
+heard his honoured leader declare, "that the Colonel was the only man
+who ought to be Premier--after himself."
+
+If these testimonies are of any value to you, publish them by all
+means, and believe me.
+
+Yours faithfully,
+JOHN WALTER.
+_Printing House Square._
+
+Mr. S. begs to state, that though magnifying and diminishing glasses
+are no novelty, yet his invention is the only one to suit the interest
+of parties without principle.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+CON. BY THEODORE HOOK.
+
+"What sentimental character does the re-elected Speaker remind you
+of?"--Ans. by Croker: "P_(shaw!) Lefevre_, to be sure."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A CRUEL DISAPPOINTMENT.
+
+We regret to state that the second ball at the Boulogne _fête_ was
+simply remarkable from "its having gone off without any disturbance."
+Where _were_ the national guards?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+UNSATISFACTORY CONDITION OF FOREIGN BEEF--(CAUTION TO GOURMANDS).
+
+A corresponedent of the _Times_ forwards the alarming intelligence that
+at the Boulogne Races the _stakes_ never _fill_! Sibthorp, the gifted
+Sib, ever happy at expedients, ingeniously recommends a _trial_ of the
+_chops_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A TRIFLE FROM LITTLE TOMMY.
+
+TO AN ELDERLY BEAUTY.
+
+  "Ah! Julia, time all tilings destroys,
+    The heart, the blood, the pen;
+  But come, I'll re-enact young joy
+    And be myself again.
+
+  "Yet stay, sweet Julia, how is this
+    Thine are not lips at all;
+  Your face is _plastered_, and you kiss,
+    Like Thisbe--_through a wall_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PROSPECTUS FOR A PROVIDENT ANNUITY COMPANY.
+
+1. The capital of this Company is to consist of £0,000,001; one-half of
+it to be vested in Aldgate Pump, and the other moiety in the Dogger
+Bank.
+
+2. Shares, at £50 each, will be issued to any amount; and interest paid
+thereon when convenient.
+
+3. A board, consisting of twelve directors, will be formed; but, to
+save trouble, the management of the Company's affairs will be placed in
+the hands of the secretary.
+
+4. The duties of trustees, auditor, and treasurer, will also be
+discharged by the secretary.
+
+5. Each shareholder will he presented with a gratuitous copy of the
+Company's regulations, printed on fine foolscap.
+
+6. Individuals purchasing annuities of this company, will be allowed a
+large-rate of interest on paper for their money, calculated on an
+entirely novel sliding-scale. Annuitants will be entitled to receive
+their annuities whenever they can get them.
+
+7. The Company's office will be open at all hours for the receipt of
+money; but it is not yet determined at what time the paying branch of
+the department will come into operation.
+
+8. The secretary will be allowed the small salary of £10,000 a-year.
+
+9. In order to simplify the accounts, there will be no books kept. By
+this arrangement, a large saving will be effected in the article of
+clerks, &c.
+
+10. The annual profits of the company will be fixed at 20 per cent.,
+but it is expected that there will be no inquiry made after dividends.
+
+11. All monies received for and by the company, to be deposited in the
+breeches-pocket of the secretary, and not to be withdrawn from thence
+without his special sanction.
+
+12. The establishment to consist of a secretary and porter.
+
+13. The porter is empowered to act as secretary in the absence of that
+officer; and the secretary is permitted to assist the porter in the
+arduous duties of his situation.
+
+*** Applications for shares or annuities to be made to the secretary of
+the Provident Annuity Company, No. 1, Thieves Inn.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+AWFUL ACCIDENT.
+
+Our reporter has just forwarded an authentic statement, in which he
+vouches, with every appearance of truth, that "Lord Melbourne dined at
+home on Wednesday last." The neighbourhood is in an agonising state of
+excitement.
+
+FURTHER PARTICULARS.
+
+(_Particularly exclusive_.)
+
+Our readers will be horrified to learn the above is not the whole
+extent of this alarming event. From a private source of the highest
+possible credit, we are informed that his "Lordship also took tea."
+
+FURTHEST PARTICULARS.
+
+Great Heavens! when will our painful duties end? We tremble as we
+write,--may we be deceived!--but we are compelled to announce the
+agonising fact--"he also supped!"
+
+BY EXPRESS.
+
+(_From our own reporter on the spot_!)
+
+DEAR SIR,--"The dinner is fatally true! but, I am happy to state, there
+are doubts about the tea, and you may almost wholly contradict the
+supper."
+
+SECOND EXPRESS.
+
+"I have only time to say, things are not so bad! The tea is disproved,
+and the supper was a gross exaggeration.
+
+"N.B. My horse is dead!"
+
+THIRD EXPRESS.
+
+Hurrah! Glorious news! There is no truth in the above fearful rumour;
+it is false from beginning to end, and, doubtless, had its vile origin
+from some of the "adverse faction," as it is clearly of such a nature
+as to convulse the country. To what meanness will not these Tories
+stoop, for the furtherance of their barefaced schemes of oppression and
+pillage! The facts they have so grossly distorted with their tortuous
+ingenuity and demoniac intentions, are simply these:--A saveloy was
+ordered by one of the upper servants (who is on board wages, and finds
+his own kitchen fire), the boy entrusted with its delivery mistook the
+footman for his lordship. This is very unlikely, as the man is willing
+to make an affidavit he had "just cleaned himself," and therefore, it
+is clear the boy must have been a paid emissary. But the public will be
+delighted to learn, to prevent the possibility of future
+mistakes--"John" has been denuded of his whiskers--the only features
+which, on a careful examination, presented the slightest resemblance to
+his noble master. In fact, otherwise the fellow is remarkably
+good-looking.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+HINTS TO NEW MEMBERS.
+
+BY AN OLD TRIMMER.
+
+It being now an established axiom that every member goes into
+Parliament for the sole purpose of advancing his own private interest,
+and not, as has been ignorantly believed, for the benefit of his
+country or the constituency he represents, it becomes a matter of vast
+importance to those individuals who have not had the advantage of long
+experience in the house, to be informed of the mode usually adopted by
+honourable members in the discharge of their legislative duties. With
+this view the writer, who has, for the last thirty years, done business
+on both sides of the house, and always with the strictest regard to the
+main chance, has collected a number of hints for the guidance of
+juvenile members, of which the following are offered as a sample:--
+
+HINT 1.--It is a vulgar error to imagine that a man, to be a member of
+Parliament, requires either education, talents, or honesty: all that it
+is necessary for him to possess is--impudence and humbug!
+
+HINT 2.--When a candidate addresses a constituency, he should promise
+everything. Some men will only pledge themselves to what their
+conscience considers right. Fools of this sort can never hope to be
+
+[Illustration: RETURNED BY A LARGE MAJORITY.]
+
+HINT 3.--Oratory is a showy, but by no means necessary, accomplishment
+in the house. If a member knows when to say "Ay" or "No," it is quite
+sufficient for all useful purposes.
+
+HINT 4.--If, however, a young member should be seized with, the desire
+of speaking in Parliament, he may do so without the slighest regard to
+sense, as the reporters in the gallery are paid for the purpose of
+making speeches for honourable members; and on the following morning he
+may calculate on seeing, in the columns of the daily papers, a full
+report of his splendid
+
+[Illustration: MAIDEN SPEECH.]
+
+HINT 5.--A knowledge of the exact time to cry "Hear, hear!" is
+absolutely necessary. A severe cough, when a member of the opposite
+side of the house is speaking, is greatly to be commended; cock-crowing
+is also a desirable qualification for a young legislator, and, if
+judiciously practised, cannot fail to bring the possessor into the
+notice of his party.
+
+HINT 6.--The back seats in the gallery are considered, by several
+members, as the most comfortable for taking a nap on.
+
+HINT 7.--If one honourable member wishes to tell another honourable
+member that he is anything but a gentleman, he should be particular to
+do so within the walls of the house--as, in that case, the Speaker will
+put him under arrest, to prevent any unpleasant consequences arising
+from his hasty expressions.
+
+HINT 8.--If a member promise to give his vote to the minister, he must
+in honour do so--unless he happen to fall asleep in the smoking-room,
+and so gets shut out from the division of the house.
+
+HINT 9.--No independent member need trouble himself to understand the
+merits of any question before the house. He may, therefore, amuse
+himself at Bellamy's until five minutes before the Speaker's bell rings
+for a division.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+RATHER SUICIDAL.
+
+"The health of the Earl of Winchilsea and the Conservative members of
+the House of Peers," was followed, amid intense cheering, with the glee
+of
+
+  "Swearing death to traitor slaves!"--_Times_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+NOVEL EXPERIMENT.--GREAT SCREW.
+
+Several scientific engineers have formed themselves into a company, and
+are about applying for an Act of Parliament to enable them to take a
+lease of Joe Hume, for the purpose of opposing the Archimedean Screw.
+Public feeling is already in favour of the "Humedean," and the "Joe"
+shares are rising rapidly.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH'S INFORMATION FOR THE PEOPLE.--NO. 3.
+
+One of the expedients adopted by the cheap-knowledge-mongers to convey
+so-called "information" to the vulgar, has been, we flatter ourselves,
+successfully imitated in our articles on the Stars and the Thermometer.
+They are by writers engaged expressly for the respective subjects,
+because they will work cheaply and know but little of what they are
+writing about, and therefore make themselves the better understood by
+the equally ignorant. We do hope that they have not proved themselves
+behindhand in popular humbug and positive error, and that the blunders
+in "the Thermometer"[3] are equally as amusing as those of the then
+big-wig who wrote the treatise on "Animal Mechanics," published by our
+rival Society for Diffusing Useful Knowledge.
+
+[3] One of these blunders the author must not be commended for; it is
+attributable to a facetious mistake of the printer. In giving the
+etymology of the Thermometer, it should have been "measure of _heat_,"
+and not "measure of _feet_." We scorn to deprive our devil of a joke so
+worthy of him.
+
+Another of their methods for obtaining cheap knowledge it is now our
+intention to adopt. Having got the poorest and least learned authors we
+could find (of course for cheapness) for our former pieces of
+information, we have this time engaged a gentleman to mystify a few
+common-place subjects, in the style of certain articles in the "Penny
+Cyclopædia." As his erudition is too profound for ordinary
+comprehensions--as he scorns gain--as the books he has hitherto
+published (no, privated) have been printed at his own expense, for the
+greater convenience of reading them himself, for nobody else does
+so--as, in short, he is in reality a cheap-knowledge man, seeing that
+he scorns pay, and we scorn to pay him--we have concluded an engagement
+with him for fourteen years.
+
+The subject on which we have directed him to employ his vast scientific
+acquirements, is one which must come home to the firesides of the
+married and the bosoms of the single, namely, the art of raising a
+flame; in humble imitation of some of Young's Knights' Thoughts, which
+are directed to the object of lightening the darkness of servants,
+labourers, artisans, and chimney-sweeps, and in providing guides to the
+trades or services of which they are already masters or mistresses. We
+beg to present our readers with
+
+PUNCH'S GUIDE TO SERVICE;
+
+OR,
+
+[Illustration: THE HOUSEMAID'S BEST FRIEND.]
+
+CHAPTER 1.
+
+ON THE PROCESS AND RATIONALE OF LIGHTING FIRES.
+
+Take a small cylindrical aggregation of parallelopedal sections of the
+ligneous fibre (vulgarly denominated a bundle of fire-wood), and
+arrange a fractional part of the integral quantity rectilineally along
+the interior of the igneous receptacle known as a grate, so as to form
+an acute angle (of, say 25°) with its base; and one (of, say 65°) with
+the posterior plane that is perpendicular to it; taking care at the
+same time to leave between each parallelopedal section an insterstice
+isometrical with the smaller sides of any one of their six
+quadrilateral superficies, so as to admit of the free circulation of
+the atmospheric fluid. Superimposed upon this, arrange several
+moderate-sized concretions of the hydro-carburetted substance (_vulgo_
+coal), approximating in figure as nearly as possible to the rhombic
+dodecahedron, so that the solid angles of each concretion may
+constitute the different points of contact with those immediately
+adjacent. Insert into the cavity formed by the imposition of the
+ligneous fibre upon the inferior transverse ferruginous bar, a sheet of
+laminated lignin, or paper, compressed by the action of the digits into
+an irregular spheroid.
+
+These preliminary operations having been skilfully performed, the
+process of combustion may be commenced. For this purpose, a smaller
+woody paralleloped--the extremities of which have been previously
+dipped in sulphur in a state of liquefaction--must be ignited and
+applied to the laminated lignin, or waste paper, and so elevate its
+temperature to a degree required for its combustion, which will be
+communicated to the ligneous superstructure; this again raises the
+temperature of the hydro-carburet concretion, and liberates its
+carburetted hydrogen in the form of gas; which gas, combining with the
+oxygen of the atmosphere, enters into combustion, and a general
+ignition ensues. This, in point of fact, constitutes what is popularly
+termed--"lighting a fire."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+AN IMMINENT BREACH.
+
+In an action lately tried at the Cork Assizes, a lady obtained _fifteen
+hundred pounds damages_, for a breach of promise of marriage, against a
+faithless lover. Lady Morgan sends us the following trifle on the
+subject:--
+
+  What! _fifteen hundred!_--'tis a sum severe;
+    The fine by far the injury o'erreaches.
+  For _one_ poor _breach_ of promise 'tis too dear--
+    'Twould be sufficient for a _pair of breaches_!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SCHOOL OF DESIGN.
+
+Several designing individuals, whose talents for _drawing_ on paper are
+much greater than those of Charles Kean for drawing upon the stage, met
+together at Somerset House, on Monday last, to distribute prizes among
+their scholars. Prince Albert presided, gave away the prizes with great
+suavity, and made a speech which occupied exactly two seconds and
+a-half.
+
+The first prize was awarded to Master Palmerston, for a successful
+_design_ for completely frustrating certain commercial _views_ upon
+China, and for his new invention of _auto-painting_. Prize: an order
+upon Truefit for a new wig.
+
+Master John Russell was next called up.--This talented young gentleman
+had designed a gigantic "penny loaf;" which, although too immense for
+practical use, yet, his efforts having been exclusively directed to
+fanciful design, and not to practical possibility, was highly
+applauded. Master Russell also evinced a highly precocious talent for
+_drawing_--his salary. Prize: a splendidly-bound copy of the New
+Marriage Act.
+
+The fortunate candidate next upon the list, was Master Normanby. This
+young gentleman brought forward a beautiful design for a new prison, so
+contrived for criminals to be excluded from light and society, in any
+degree proportionate with their crimes. This young gentleman was
+brought up in Ireland, but there evinced considerable talent in
+_drawing_ prisoners out of durance vile. He was much complimented on
+the salutary effect upon his studies, which his pupilage at the school
+of design had wrought. Prize: an order from Colburn for a new novel.
+
+Master Melbourne, who was next called up, seemed a remarkably fine boy
+of his age, though a little too old for his short jacket. He had
+signalised himself by an exceedingly elaborate _design_ for the
+Treasury benches. This elicited the utmost applause; for, by this plan,
+the seats were so ingeniously contrived, that, once occupied, it would
+be a matter of extreme difficulty for the sitter to be _absquatulated_,
+even by main force. Prize: a free ticket to the licensed victuallers'
+dinner.
+
+The Prince then withdrew, amidst the acclamations of the assembled
+multitude.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A HINT TO THE NEW LORD CHAMBERLAIN.
+
+There is always much difference of opinion existing as to the number of
+theatres which ought to be licensed in the metropolis. Our friend Peter
+Borthwick, whose mathematical acquirements are only equalled by his
+"_heavy fathers_," has suggested the following formula whereby to
+arrive at a just conclusion:--Take the number of theatres, multiply by
+the public-houses, and divide by the dissenting chapels, and the
+quotient will be the answer. This is what Peter calls
+
+[Illustration: COMING TO A DIVISION.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+VOCAL EVASION.
+
+LADY B---- (who, it is rumoured, has an eye to the bedchamber) was
+interrogating Sir Robert Peel a little closer than the wily minister
+_in futuro_ approved of. After several very evasive answers, which had
+no effect on the lady's pertinacity, Sir Robert made her a graceful
+bow, and retired, humming the favourite air of--
+
+[Illustration: "OH! I CANNOT GIVE EXPRESSION."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A PUN FROM THE ROW.
+
+It is asserted that a certain eminent medical man lately offered to a
+publisher in Paternoster-row a "Treatise on the Hand," which the worthy
+bibliopole declined with a shake of the head, saying, "My dear sir, we
+have got too many _treatises on our hands_ already."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PLEASURES OF HOPE (RATHER EXPENSIVE).
+
+The _Commerce_ states "the cost of the mansion now building for Mr.
+Hope, in the Rue St. Dominique, including furniture and objects of art,
+is estimated at six hundred thousand pounds!"--[If this is an attribute
+of _Hope_, what is reality?--ED. PUNCH.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+FASHIONS FOR THE MONTH.
+
+We perceive that the severity of the summer has prevented the entire
+banishment of furs in the fashionable _quartiers_ of the metropolis. We
+noticed three fur caps, on Sunday last, in Seven Dials. Beavers are,
+however, superseded by gossamers; the crowns of which are, among the
+élite of St. Giles's, jauntily opened to admit of ventilation, in
+anticipation of the warm weather. Frieze coats are fast giving way to
+pea-jackets; waistcoats, it is anticipated, will soon be discarded, and
+brass buttons are completely out of vogue.
+
+We have not noticed so many highlows as Bluchers upon the
+understandings of the promenaders of Broad-street. Ancle-jacks are, we
+perceive, universally adopted at the elegant _soirées dansantes_,
+nightly held at the "Frog and Fiddle," in Pye-street, Westminster.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+ARTISTIC EXECUTION.
+
+We understand that Sir M.A. Shee is engaged in painting the portraits
+of Sir Willoughhy Woolston Dixie and Mr. John Bell, the lately-elected
+member for Thirsk, which are intended for the exhibition at the Royal
+Academy. If Folliot Duff's account of their dastardly conduct in the
+Waldegrave affair be correct, we cannot _imagine_ two gentlemen more
+worthy the labours of the
+
+[Illustration: HANGING COMMITTEE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+NEW PARLIAMENTARY RETURNS.
+
+We have been informed, on authority upon which we have reason to place
+much reliance, that several distinguished members of the upper and
+lower houses of Parliament intend moving for the following important
+returns early in the present session:--
+
+IN THE LORDS.
+
+Lord Palmerston will move for a return of all the _papillote_ papers
+contained in the red box at the Foreign Office.
+
+The Duke of Wellington will move for a return of the Tory taxes.
+
+The Marquis of Downshire will move for a return of his political
+honesty.
+
+Lord Melbourne will move for a return of place and power.
+
+The Marquis of Westmeath will move for a return of the days when he was
+young.
+
+The Marquis Wellesley will move for a return of the pap-spoons
+manufactured in England for the last three years.
+
+IN THE COMMONS.
+
+Sir Francis Burdett will move for a return of his popularity in
+Westminster.
+
+Lord John Russell will move that the return of the Tories to office is
+extremely inconvenient.
+
+Captain Rous will move for a return of the number of high-spirited
+Tories who were conveyed on stretchers to the different station-houses,
+on the night of the ever-to-be-remembered Drury-lane dinner.
+
+Sir E.L. Bulwer will move for a return of all the half-penny ballads
+published by Catnach and Co. during the last year.
+
+Morgan O'Connell will move for a return of all the brogues worn by the
+bare-footed peasantry of Ireland.
+
+Colonel Sibthorp will move for a return of his wits.
+
+Peter Borthwick will move for a return of all the kettles convicted of
+singing on the Sabbath-day.
+
+Sir Robert Peel will move for a return of all the ladies of the
+palace--to the places from whence they came.
+
+Ben D'Israeli will move for a return of all the hard words in Johnson's
+Dictionary.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+RATHER OMINOUS!
+
+The _Sunday Times_ states, that "several of the _heads_ of the
+Conservative party held a conference at _Whitehall_ Gardens!" _Heads_
+and _conferences_ have been cut short enough at the same place ere now!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+HEAVY LIGHTNESS.
+
+  A joke Col. Sibthorp to the journal sent--
+  Appropriate heading--"_Serious Accident_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A MATTER OF COURSE.
+
+The match at cricket, between the Chelsea and Greenwich Pensioners, was
+decided in favour of the latter. Captain Rous says, no great wonder,
+considering the winners bad the majority of _legs_ on their side. The
+Hyllus affair has made him an authority.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE DRAMA.
+
+THE ITALIAN OPERA.
+
+RETIREMENT OF RUBINI.
+
+(_Exclusive_.)
+
+    N.B.--PUNCH is delighted to perceive, from the style of this
+    critique, that, though anonymously sent, it is manifestly from the
+    pen of the elegant critic of the _Morning Post_.
+
+
+[Illustration: O]On a review of the events of the past season, the
+_souvenirs_ it presents are not calculated to elevate the character of
+the arts _di poeta_ and _di musica_, of which the Italian Opera is
+composed. The only decided _nouveautés_ which made their appearance,
+were "Fausta," and "Roberto Devereux," both of them _jejune_ as far as
+regards their _libretto_ and the _composita musicale_. The latter
+opera, however, serving as it did to introduce a pleasing
+_rifacciamento_ of the lamented Malibran, in her talented sister
+Pauline (Madame Viardot), may, on that account, be remembered as a
+pleasing reminiscence of the past season.
+
+The evening of Saturday, Aug. 21st, will long be remembered by the
+_habitués_ of the Opera. From exclusive sources (which have been opened
+to us at a very considerable expense) we are enabled to
+communicate--_malheureusement_--that with the close of the _saison de_
+1841, the _corps opératique_ loses one of its most brilliant ornaments.
+That memorable epocha was chosen by Rubini for making a graceful
+_congé_ to a fashionable audience, amidst an abundance of tears--shed
+in the choicest Italian--and showers of _bouquets_. The subjects chosen
+for representation were _apropos_ in the extreme; all being of a
+_triste_ character, namely, the _atta terzo_ of "Marino Faliero," the
+_finale_ of "Lucia di Lammermoor," and the last _parte_ of "La
+Sonnambula:" these were the chosen vehicles for Rubini's _soirée
+d'adieu_.
+
+As this _tenor primissimo_ has, in a professional _regarde_,
+disappeared from amongst us--as the last echoes of his _voix
+magnifique_ have died away--as he has made a final exit from the public
+_plafond_ to the _coulisses_ of private life--we deem it due to future
+historians of the Italian Opera _de Londres_, to record our admiration,
+our opinions, and our _regrets_ for this great _artiste_.
+
+Signor Rubini is in stature what might be denominated _juste milieu_;
+his _taille_ is graceful, his _figure_ pleasing, his eyes full of
+expression, his hair bushy: his _comport_ upon the stage, when not
+excited by passion, is full of _verve_ and _brusquerie_, but in
+passages which the _Maestro_ has marked "_con passione_" nothing can
+exceed the elegance of his attitudes, and the pleasing dignity of his
+gestures. After, _par exemple_, the _recitativi_, what a pretty
+_empressement_ he gave (alas! that we must now speak in the past
+tense!) to the _tonic_ or _key-note_, by _locking_ his arms in each
+other over his _poitrine_--by that after expansion of them--that clever
+_alto_ movement of the toes--that apparent embracing of the _fumes des
+lampes_--how touching! Then, while the _sinfonia_ of the _andante_ was
+in progress, how gracefully he turned _son dos_ to the delighted
+auditors, and made an interesting _promenade au fond_, always
+contriving to get his finely-arched nose over the _lumières_ at the
+precise point of time (we speak in a musical sense) where the word
+"_voce_" is marked in the score. His pantomime to the _allegri_ was no
+less captivating; but it was in the _stretta_ that his beauty of action
+was most exquisitely apparent; there, worked up by an elaborate
+_crescendo_ (the _motivo_ of which is always, in the Italian school, a
+simple progression of the diatonic scale), the _furor_ with which this
+_cantratice_ hurried his hands into the thick clumps of his picturesque
+_perruque_, and seemed to tear its _cheveux_ out by the roots (without,
+however, disturbing the celebrated side-parting a single hair)--the
+vigour with which he beat his breast--his final expansion of arms,
+elevation of toes, and the impressive _frappe_ of his right foot upon
+the stage immediately before disappearing behind the _coulisses_--must
+be fresh in the _souvenir_ of our _dilettanti_ readers.
+
+But how shall we _parle_ concerning his _voix_? That exquisite organ,
+whose _falsetto_ emulated the sweetness of flutes, and reached to A
+flat _in altissimo_--the _voce media_ of which possessed an unequalled
+_aplomb_, whose deep double G must still find a well-in-tune echo in
+the _tympanum_ of every _amateur_ of taste. _That_, we must confess, as
+critics and theoretical musicians, causes us considerable _embarras_
+for words to describe. Who that heard it on Saturday last, has yet
+recovered the ravishing sensation produced by the thrilling tremour
+with which Rubini _gave_ the _Notte d'Orrore_, in Rossini's "Marino
+Faliero?" Who can forget the _recitativo con andante et allegro_, in
+the last scene of "La Sonnambula;" or the burst of anguish _con
+expressivissimo_, when accused of treason, while personating his
+favourite _rôle_ in "Lucia di Lammermoor?" Ah! those who suffered
+themselves to be detained from the opera on Saturday last by mere
+illness, or other light causes, will, to translate a forcible
+expression in the "Inferno" of Dante, "go down with sorrow to the
+grave." To them we say, Rubini _est parti_--gone!--he has sent forth
+his last _ut_--concluded his last _re_--his ultimate note has
+sounded--his last _billet de banque_ is pocketed--he has, to use an
+emphatic and heart-stirring _mot_, "_coupé son bâton!_"
+
+It is due to the _sentimens_ of the audience of Saturday, to notice the
+evident regret with which they received Rubini's _adieux_; for, towards
+the close of the evening, the secret became known. Animated
+_conversazioni_ resounded from almost every box during many of his most
+charming _piano_ passages (and never will his _sotto-voce_ be
+equalled)--the _beaux esprits_ of the pit discussed his merits with
+audible _goût_; while the gallery and upper stalls remained in mute
+grief at the consciousness of that being the _dernière fois_ they would
+ever be able to hear the sublime _voce-di-testa_ of Italy's prince of
+_tenori_.
+
+Although this retirement will make the present _clôture_ of the opera
+one of the most memorable _événemens_ in _les annales de l'opéra_, yet
+some remarks are demanded of us upon the other _artistes_. In "Marino
+Faliero," Lablache came the _Dodge_ with remarkable success. Madlle.
+Loewe, far from deserving her _bas nom_, was the height of perfection,
+and gave her celebrated _scena_ in the last-named opera _avec une force
+superbe_. Persiani looked remarkably well, and wore a most becoming
+_robe_ in the _rôle_ of Amina.
+
+Of the _danseuses_ we have hardly space to speak. Cerito exhibited the
+"poetry of motion" with her usual skill, particularly in a difficult
+_pas_ with Albert. The ballet was "Le Diable Amoureux," and the stage
+was watered between each act.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE GREAT UNACTABLES.
+
+It seems that the English Opera-house has been taken for _twelve
+nights_, to give "_a free stage and fair play_" to "EVERY ENGLISH
+LIVING DRAMATIST." Considering that the Council of the Dramatic
+Authors' Theatre comprises at least half-a-dozen Shakspeares in their
+own conceit, to say nothing of one or two _Rowes_ (soft ones of
+course), a sprinkling of Otways, with here and there a Massinger, we
+may calculate pretty correctly how far the stage they have taken
+possession of is likely to be _free_, or the _play_ to be _fair_
+towards _Every English living Dramatist_.
+
+It appears that a small knot of very great geniuses have been, for some
+time past, regularly sending certain bundles of paper, called Dramas,
+round to the different metropolitan theatres, and as regularly
+receiving them back again. Some of these geniuses, goaded to madness by
+this unceremonious treatment, have been guilty of the insanity of
+printing their plays; and, though the "Rejected Addresses" were a very
+good squib, the rejected Dramas are much too ponderous a joke for the
+public to take; so that, while in their manuscript form, they always
+produced speedy _returns_ from the managers, they, in their printed
+shape, caused no _returns_ to the publishers. It is true, that a
+personal acquaintance of some of the authors with Nokes of the _North
+Eastern Independent_, or some other equally-influential country print,
+may have gained for them, now and then, an egregious puff, wherein the
+writers are said to be equal to Goëthe, a cut above Sheridan Knowles,
+and the only successors of Shakspeare; but we suspect that "the mantle
+of the Elizabethan poets," which is said to have descended on one of
+these gentry, would, if inspected, turn out to be something more like
+Fitzball's Tagiioni or Dibdin Pitt's Macintosh.
+
+No one can suspect PUNCH of any _prestige_ in favour of the
+restrictions laid upon the drama--for our own free-and-easy habit of
+erecting our theatre in the first convenient street we come to, and
+going through our performance without caring a rush for the Lord
+Chamberlain or the Middlesex magistrates, must convince all who know
+us, that we are for a thoroughly free trade in theatricals; but,
+nevertheless, we think the _Great Unactables_ talk egregious nonsense
+when they prate about the possibility of their efforts working "a
+beneficial alteration in a law which presses so fatally on dramatic
+genius." We think their tom-foolery more likely to induce restrictions
+that may prevent others from exposing their mental imbecility, than to
+encourage the authorities to relax the laws that might hinder them from
+doing so. The boasted compliance with legal requisites in the mode of
+preparing "Martinuzzi" for the stage is not a new idea, and we only
+hope it may be carried out one-half as well as in the instances of
+"Romeo and Juliet as the Law directs," and "Othello according to Act of
+Parliament." There is a vaster amount of humbug in the play-bill of
+this new concern, than in all the open puffs that have been issued for
+many years past from all the regular establishments. The tirade against
+the _law_--the announcement of alterations in conformity with _the
+law_--the hint that the musical introductions are such as "_the law_
+may require"--mean nothing more than this--"if the piece is damned,
+it's _the law_; if it succeeds, it's the _author's genius!_" Now, every
+one who has written for the illegitimate stage, and therefore PUNCH in
+particular, knows very well that the necessity for the introduction of
+music into a piece played at one of the smaller theatres is only
+nominal--that four pieces of verse are interspersed in the copy sent to
+the licenser, but these are such matters of utter course, that their
+invention or selection is generally left to the prompter's genius. The
+piece is, unless essentially musical, licensed with the songs and acted
+without--or, at least, there is no necessity whatever for retaining
+them. Why, therefore, should Mr. Stephens drag "solos, duets, choruses,
+and other musical arrangements," into his drama, unless it is that he
+thinks they will give it a better chance of success? while, in the
+event of failure, he reserves the right of turning round upon the _law_
+and the _music_, which he will declare were the means of damning it.
+
+A set of briefless barristers--all would-be Erskines, Thurlows, or
+Eldons, at the least--might as well complain of the system that
+excludes them from the Woolsack, and take a building to turn it into a
+Court of Chancery on their own account, as that these luckless
+scribblers, all fancying the Elizabethan mantle has fallen flop upon
+their backs, should set themselves up for Shakspeares on their own
+account, and seize on a metropolitan theatre as a temple for the
+enshrinement of their genius.
+
+If PUNCH has dealt hardly with these gentlemen, it is because he will
+bear "no brother near the throne" of humbug and quackery. Like a
+steward who tricks his master, but keeps the rest of the servants
+honest, PUNCH will gammon the public to the utmost of his skill, but he
+will take care that no one else shall exercise a trade of which he
+claims by prescription the entire monopoly.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+1, August 28, 1841, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1,
+August 28, 1841, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, August 28, 1841
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14925]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG
+Online Distributed Proofreading
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+</pre>
+
+<h1>PUNCH,<br />
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+<h2>VOL. 1.</h2>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page73" name="page73"></a>[pg
+73]</span>
+<h2>AUGUST 28, 1841.</h2>
+<hr class="full" />
+<h2>THE HEIR OF APPLEBITE.</h2>
+<h3>CHAPTER I.</h3>
+<h4>INTRODUCES THE READER TO THE APPLEBITE FAMILY AND TO AGAMEMNON
+COLLUMPSION APPLEBITE IN PARTICULAR.</h4>
+<div class="dropcap"><a href="images/007-01.png"><img src=
+"images/007-01.png" alt=
+"A man balances another on his head and forms the letter T" id=
+"img007-01" name="img007-01" width="100%" /></a></div>
+<p><span class="hide">T</span>he following is extracted from the
+<em>Parliamentary Guide</em> for 18&mdash;:&mdash;&ldquo;APPLEBITE,
+ISAAC (<em>Puddingbury</em>). Born March 25, 1780; descended from
+his grandfather, and has issue.&rdquo; And upon reference to a
+monument in Puddingbury church, representing the first Mrs.
+Applebite (who was a housemaid) industriously scrubbing a large
+tea-urn, whilst another figure (supposed to be the second Mrs.
+Applebite) is pointing reproachfully to a little fat cherub who is
+blowing himself into a fit of apoplexy from some unassignable cause
+or another&mdash;I say upon reference to this monument, upon which
+is blazoned forth all the stock virtues of those who employ
+stonemasons, I find, that in July, 18&mdash;, the said Isaac was
+gathered unto Abraham&rsquo;s bosom, leaving behind him&mdash;a
+seat in the House of Commons&mdash;a relict&mdash;the issue
+aforesaid, and &pound;50,000 in the three per cents.</p>
+<p>The widow Applebite had so arranged matters with her husband,
+that two-thirds of the above sum were left wholly and solely to
+her, as some sort of consolation under her bereavement of the
+&ldquo;best of husbands and the kindest of fathers.&rdquo;
+(<em>Vide</em> monument.) Old Isaac must have been a treasure, for
+his wife either missed him so much, or felt so desirous to learn if
+there was another man in the world like him, that, as soon as the
+monument was completed and placed in Puddingbury chancel, she
+married a young officer in a dashing dragoon regiment, and started
+to the Continent to spend the honeymoon, leaving her son&mdash;</p>
+<p>AGAMEMNON COLLUMPSION APPLEBITE (the apoplectic
+&ldquo;cherub&rdquo; and the &ldquo;issue&rdquo; alluded to in the
+<em>Parliamentary Guide</em>), to the care of himself.</p>
+<p>A.C.A. was the pattern of what a young man ought to be. He had
+16,000 and odd pounds in the three per cents., hair that curled
+naturally, stood five feet nine inches without his shoes, always
+gave a shilling to a waiter, lived in a terrace, never stopped out
+all night (but once), and paid regularly every Monday morning.
+Agamemnon Collumpsion Applebite was a happy bachelor! The women
+were delighted to see him, and the men to dine with him: to the one
+he gave <em>bouquets</em>; to the other, cigars: in short,
+everybody considered A.C.A. as A1; and A.C.A. considered that A1
+was his proper mark.</p>
+<p>It is somewhat singular, but no man knows when he <em>is</em>
+really happy: he may fancy that he wants for nothing, and may even
+persuade himself that addition or subtraction would be certain to
+interfere with the perfectitude of his enjoyment. He deceives
+himself. If he wishes to assure himself of the exact state of his
+feelings, let him ask his friends; they are disinterested parties,
+and will find out some annoyance that has escaped his notice. It
+was thus with Agamemnon Collumpsion Applebite. He had made up his
+mind that he wanted for nothing, when it was suddenly found out by
+his friends that he was in a state of felicitous destitution. It
+was discovered simultaneously, by five mamas and eighteen
+daughters, that Agamemnon Collumpsion Applebite <em>must</em> want
+a wife; and that his sixteen thousand and odd pounds must be a
+source of <em>undivided</em> anxiety to him. Stimulated by the most
+praiseworthy considerations, a solemn compact was entered into by
+the aforesaid five mamas, on behalf of the aforesaid eighteen
+daughters, by which they were pledged to use every means to
+convince Agamemnon Collumpsion Applebite of his deplorable
+condition; but no unfair advantage was to be taken to ensure a
+preference for any particular one of the said eighteen daughters,
+but that the said Agamemnon Collumpsion Applebite should be left
+free to exercise his own discretion, so far as the said eighteen
+daughters were concerned, but should any other daughter, of
+whatever mama soever, indicate a wish to become a competitor, she
+was to be considered a common enemy, and scandalized
+accordingly.</p>
+<p>Agamemnon Collumpsion Applebite, about ten o&rsquo;clock on the
+following evening, was seated on a sofa, between Mrs. Greatgirdle
+and Mrs. Waddledot (the two mamas deputed to open the campaign),
+each with a cup of very prime Mocha coffee, and a massive
+fiddle-pattern tea-spoon. On the opposite side of the room, in a
+corner, was a very large cage, in the sole occupancy of a solitary
+Java sparrow.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;My poor bird looks very miserable,&rdquo; sighed Mrs.
+Greatgirdle, (the hostess upon this occasion.)</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Very miserable!&rdquo; echoed Mrs. Waddledot; and the
+truth of the remark was apparent to every one.</p>
+<p>The Java sparrow was moulting and suffering from a cutaneous
+disorder at the same time; so what with the falling off, and
+scratching off of his feathers, he looked in a most deplorable
+condition; which was rendered more apparent by the magnitude of his
+cage. He seemed like the <em>last</em> debtor confined in the
+Queen&rsquo;s Bench.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;He has never been himself since the death of his
+mate.&rdquo; (Here the bird scarified himself with great violence.)
+&ldquo;He is so restless; and though he eats very well, and hops
+about, he seems to have lost all care of his person, as though he
+would put on mourning if he had it.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Is there no possibility of dyeing his feathers?&rdquo;
+remarked Agamemnon Collumpsion, feeling the necessity of saying
+something.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;It is not the inky cloak, Mr. Applebite,&rdquo; replied
+Mrs. Greatgirdle, &ldquo;that truly indicates regret; but
+it&rsquo;s here,&rdquo; (laying her hand upon her left side):
+&ldquo;no&mdash;there, under his liver wing, that he feels it, poor
+bird! It&rsquo;s a shocking thing to live alone.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;And especially in such a large cage,&rdquo; said Mrs.
+Waddledot. &ldquo;<em>Your house</em> is rather large, Mr.
+Applebite?&rdquo; inquired Mrs. Greatgirdle.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Rather, ma&rsquo;am,&rdquo; replied Collumpsion.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Ain&rsquo;t you very lonely?&rdquo; said Mrs. Waddledot
+and Mrs. Greatgirdle both in a breath.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Why, not&mdash;&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Very lively, you were going to say,&rdquo; interrupted
+Mrs. G.</p>
+<p>Now Mrs. G. was wrong in her conjecture of Collumpsion&rsquo;s
+reply. He was about to say, &ldquo;Why, not at all;&rdquo; but she,
+of course, knew best what he ought to have answered.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I often feel for you, Mr. Applebite,&rdquo; remarked Mrs.
+Waddledot; &ldquo;and think how strange it is that you, who really
+are a nice young man&mdash;and I don&rsquo;t say so to flatter
+you&mdash;that you should have been so unsuccessful with the
+ladies.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Collumpsion&rsquo;s vanity was awfully mortified at this
+idea.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;It <em>is</em> strange!&rdquo; exclaimed Mrs. G &ldquo;I
+wonder it don&rsquo;t make you miserable. There is no home, I mean
+the &lsquo;<em>Sweet, sweet</em> home,&rsquo; without a wife. Try,
+try again, Mr. Applebite,&rdquo; (tapping his arm as she rose;)
+&ldquo;faint heart never won fair lady.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I refused Mr. Waddledot three times, but I yielded at
+last; take courage from that, and 24, Pleasant Terrace, may shortly
+become that Elysium&mdash;a woman&rsquo;s home,&rdquo; whispered
+Mrs. W., as she rolled gracefully to a card-table; and
+accidentally, <em>of course</em>, cut the ace of spades, which she
+exhibited to Collumpsion with a very mysterious shake of the
+head.</p>
+<p>Agamemnon returned to 24, Pleasant Terrace, a discontented man.
+He felt that there was no one sitting up for him&mdash;nothing but
+a rush-light&mdash;the dog might bark as he entered, but no voice
+was there to welcome him, and with a heavy heart he ascended the
+two stone steps of his dwelling.</p>
+<p>He took out his latch-key, and was about to unlock the door,
+when a loud knocking was heard in the next street. Collumpsion
+paused, and then gave utterance to his feelings.
+&ldquo;That&rsquo;s music&mdash;positively music. This is my
+house&mdash;there&rsquo;s my name on the
+brass-plate&mdash;that&rsquo;s my knocker, as I can prove by the
+bill and receipt; and, yet, here I am about to sneak in like a
+burglar. Old John sha&rsquo;n&rsquo;t go to bed another night;
+I&rsquo;ll not indulge the lazy scoundrel any longer, Yet the poor
+old fellow nursed me when a child. I&rsquo;ll compromise the
+matter&mdash;I&rsquo;ll knock, and let myself in.&rdquo; So saying,
+Collumpsion thumped away at the door, looked around to see that he
+was unobserved, applied his latch-key, and slipped into his house
+just as old John, in a state of great alarm and undress, was
+descending the stairs with a candle and a boot-jack.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>AN ACUTE ANGLE.</h3>
+<p>We read in the <em>Glasgow Courier</em> of an enormous salmon
+hooked at Govan, which measured three feet, three inches in length.
+The <em>Morning Herald</em> mentions several gudgeons of twice the
+size, caught, we understand, by Alderman Humphery, and conveyed to
+Town per Blackwall Railway.</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page74" name="page74"></a>[pg
+74]</span>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/007-02.png"><img src=
+"images/007-02.png" alt=
+"A man thumbs his nose while carrying a Chinaman on his back" id=
+"img007-02" name="img007-02" width="100%" /></a></div>
+<h2>IMPORTANT NEWS FROM CHINA.</h2>
+<h3>ARRIVAL OF THE OVERLAND MAIL!</h3>
+<p class="rgt"><em>August 28, 1841.</em></p>
+<p>We have received expresses from the Celestial Empire by our own
+private electro-galvanic communication. As this rapid means of
+transmission carries dispatches so fast that we generally get them
+even before they are written, we are enabled to be considerably in
+advance of the common daily journals; more especially as we have
+obtained news up to the end of next week.</p>
+<p>The most important paper which has come to hand is the <em>Macao
+Sunday Times</em>. It appears that the fortifications for
+surrounding Pekin are progressing rapidly, but that the government
+have determined upon building the ramparts of japanned canvas and
+bamboo rods, instead of pounded rice, which was thought almost too
+fragile to resist the attacks of the English barbarians. Some
+handsome guns, of blue and white porcelain, have been placed on the
+walls, with a proportionate number of carved ivory balls,
+elaborately cut one inside the other. These, it is presumed, will
+split upon firing, and produce incalculable mischief and confusion.
+Within the gates a frightful magazine of gilt crackers, and other
+fireworks, has been erected; which, in the event of the savages
+penetrating the fortifications, will be exploded one after another,
+to terrify them into fits, when they will be easily captured. This
+precaution has been scarcely thought necessary by some of the
+mandarins, as our great artist, Wang, has covered the external
+joss-house with frantic figures that, must strike terror to every
+barbarian. Gold paper has also been kept constantly burning, on
+altars of holy clay, at every practicable point of the defences,
+which it is hardly thought they will have the hardihood to
+approach, and the sacred ducks of Fanqui have been turned loose in
+the river to retard the progress of the infidel fleet.</p>
+<p>During the storm of last week the portcullis, which hail been
+placed in the northern gate, and was composed of solid rice paper,
+with cross-bars of chop-sticks, was much damaged. It is now under
+repair, and will be coated entirely with tea-chest lead, to render
+it perfectly impregnable. The whole of the household troops and
+body-guard of the emperor have also received new accoutrements of
+tin-foil and painted isinglass. They have likewise been armed with
+varnished bladders, containing peas and date stones, which produce
+a terrific sound upon the least motion.</p>
+<p>An Englishman has been gallantly captured this morning, in a
+small boat, by one of our armed junks. He will eat his eyes in the
+Palace-court this afternoon; and then, being enclosed in soft
+porcelain, will be baked to form a statue for the new pagoda at
+Bo-Lung, the first stone of which was laid by the late emperor, to
+celebrate his victory over the rude northern islanders.</p>
+<p class="rgt"><em>Canton</em>.</p>
+<p>The last order of the government, prohibiting the exportation of
+tea and rhubarb, has been issued by the advice of Lin, who
+translates the English newspapers to the council. It is affirmed in
+these journals, that millions of these desert tribes have no other
+beverage than tea for their support. As their oath prohibits any
+other liquor, they will be driven to water for subsistence, and,
+unable to correct its unhealthy influence by doses of rhubarb, will
+die miserably. In anticipation of this event, large catacombs are
+being erected near their great city, on the authority of
+Slo-Lefe-Tee, who visited it last year, and intends shortly to go
+there again. The rhubarb prohibition will, it is said, have a great
+effect upon the English market for plums, pickled salmon, and
+greengages; and the physicians, or disciples of the great Hum,
+appear uncertain as to the course to be pursued.</p>
+<p>The emperor has issued a chop to the Hong merchants, forbidding
+them to assist or correspond with the invaders, under pain of
+having their finger-nails drawn out and rings put in their noses.
+Howqua resists the order, and it is the intention of Lin, should he
+remain obstinate, to recommend his being pounded up with broken
+crockery and packed in Chinese catty packages, to be forwarded, as
+an example, to the Mandarin Pidding, of the wild island.</p>
+<p>An English flag, stolen by a deserter from Chusan, will be
+formally insulted to-morrow in the market-place, by the emperor and
+his court. Dust will be thrown at it, accompanied by derisive
+grimaces, and it will be subsequently hoisted, in scorn, to blow,
+at the mercy of the winds, upon the summit of the palace, within
+sight of the barbarians.</p>
+<h4>LEVANT MAIL.</h4>
+<h5>CONSTANTINOPLE, ALEXANDRIA, AND SMYRNA.</h5>
+<p class="rgt"><em>August 30.</em></p>
+<p>The Sultan got very fuddled last night, with forbidden juice, in
+the harem, and tumbled down the ivory steps leading from the
+apartment of the favourite, by which accident he seriously cut his
+nose. Every guard is to be bastinadoed in consequence, and the
+wine-merchant will be privately sewn up in a canvas-bag and thrown
+into the Bosphorus this evening.</p>
+<p>A relation of Selim Pacha, despatched by the Sultan to collect
+taxes in Beyrout, was despatched by the Syrians a few hours after
+his arrival.</p>
+<p>The periodical conflagration of the houses, mosques, and
+synagogues, in Smyrna, took place with great splendour on the 30th
+ult., and the next will be arranged for the ensuing month, when
+everybody suspected of the plague will receive orders from the
+government to remain in their dwellings until they are entirely
+consumed. By this salutary arrangement, it is expected that much
+improvement will take place in the public health.</p>
+<p>The inundation of the Nile has also been very favourable this
+year, The water has risen higher than usual, and carried off
+several hundred poor people. The Board of Guardians of the
+Alexandria Union are consequently much rejoiced.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>TO MR GREEN, THE INSPECTOR OF HIGHWAYS.</h3>
+<h4>ON HIS RECENT SKYLARK.</h4>
+<p class="cen">&ldquo;The air hath bubbles as the water
+hath.&rdquo;</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Huzza! huzza! there goes the balloon&mdash;</p>
+<p>&rsquo;Tis up like a rocket, and off to the moon!</p>
+<p class="i2">Now fading from our view,</p>
+<p class="i4">Or dimly seen;</p>
+<p class="i2">Now lost in the deep <em>blue</em></p>
+<p class="i4">Is Mr. <em>Green</em>!</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Pray have a care,</p>
+<p>In your path through the air,</p>
+<p class="i2">And mind well what you do;</p>
+<p class="i4">For if you chance to slip</p>
+<p class="i2">Out of your airy ship,</p>
+<p class="i4">Then <em>down</em> you come, and all is <em>up</em>
+with you.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>FASHIONABLE ARRIVALS.</h3>
+<p>Two thousand and thirty-five remarkably fine calves, from their
+various rural pasturages at Smithfield. Some of the <em>heads</em>
+of the party have since been seen in the very highest society.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>ADVICE GRATIS.</h3>
+<p>&ldquo;What will you take?&rdquo; said Peel to Russell, on
+adjourning from the School of Design. &ldquo;Anything you
+recommend.&rdquo; &ldquo;Then let it be your departure,&rdquo; was
+the significant rejoinder.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>PLEASANT CROPS ABROAD.&mdash;A GOOD LOOK OUT FOR THE
+SYRIANS.</h3>
+<p>&ldquo;French agents are said to <em>be sowing discontent</em>
+in Syria.&rdquo;&mdash;<em>Sunday Times</em>.</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page75" name="page75"></a>[pg
+75]</span>
+<h2>THE GENTLEMAN&rsquo;S OWN BOOK.</h2>
+<p>Having advised you in our last paper of &ldquo;Dress in
+general,&rdquo; we now proceed to the important consideration
+of</p>
+<h3>DRESS IN PARTICULAR,</h3>
+<p>a subject of such paramount interest and magnitude, that we feel
+an Encyclop&aelig;dia would be barely sufficient for its full
+developement; and it is our honest conviction that, until
+professorships of this truly noble art are instituted at the
+different universities, the same barbarisms of style will be
+displayed even by those of gentle blood, as now too frequently
+detract from the Augustan character of the age.</p>
+<p>To take as comprehensive a view of this subject as our space
+will admit, we have divided it into the quality, the cut, the
+ornaments, and the pathology.</p>
+<h4>THE QUALITY</h4>
+<p>comprises <em>the texture, colour, and age of the
+materials</em>.</p>
+<p>Of the texture there are only two kinds compatible with the
+reputation of a gentleman&mdash;the very fine and the very coarse;
+or, to speak figuratively&mdash;the Cachmere and the Witney
+blanket.</p>
+<p>The latter is an emanation from the refinement of the nineteenth
+century, for a prejudice in favour of &ldquo;extra-superfine&rdquo;
+formerly existed, as the coarser textures, now prevalent, were
+confined exclusively to common sailors, hackney-coachmen, and
+bum-bailiffs. These frivolous distinctions are happily exploded,
+and the true gentleman may now show in Saxony, or figure in
+Flushing&mdash;the one being suggestive of his property, and the
+other indicative of his taste. These remarks apply exclusively to
+woollens, whether for coats or trousers.</p>
+<p>It is incumbent on every gentleman to have a perfect library of
+waistcoats, the selection of which must be regulated by the cost of
+the material, as it would be derogatory, in the highest degree, to
+a man aspiring to the character of a <em>distingu&eacute;</em>, to
+decorate his bosom with a garment that would by any possibility
+come under the denomination of &ldquo;these choice patterns, only
+7<em>s.</em> 6<em>d.</em>&rdquo; There are certain designs for this
+important decorative adjunct, which entirely preclude them from the
+wardrobes of the &eacute;lite&mdash;the imaginative bouquets upon
+red-plush grounds, patronised by the ingenious constructors of
+canals and rail-roads&mdash;the broad and brilliant Spanish striped
+Valencias, which distinguish the <em>savans</em> or knowing ones of
+the stable&mdash;the cotton (must we profane the word!) velvet
+impositions covered with botanical diagrams done in distemper, and
+monopolized by lawyers&rsquo; clerks and small
+professionals&mdash;the <em>positive</em> or genuine Genoa velvet,
+with violent and showy embellishments of roses, dahlias, and
+peonies, which find favour in the eyes of aldermen, attorneys, and
+the proprietors of four-wheel chaises, are all to be avoided as the
+fifth daughter of a clergyman&rsquo;s widow.</p>
+<p>It is almost superfluous to add, that breeches can only be made
+of white leather or white kerseymere, for any other colour or
+material would awaken associations of the dancing-master, the
+waiter, the butler, or the bumpkin, or, what is equally to be
+dreaded, &ldquo;the highly respectables&rdquo; of the last
+century.</p>
+<p>The dressing-gown is a portion of the costume which commands
+particular attention; for though no man &ldquo;can appear as a hero
+to his valet,&rdquo; he must keep up the gentleman. This can only
+be done by the dressing-gown. To gentlemen who occupy apartments,
+the <em>robe de chambre</em>, if properly selected, is of infinite
+advantage; for an Indian shawl or rich brocaded silk (of which this
+garment should only be constructed), will be found to possess
+extraordinary pacific properties with the landlady, when the
+irregularity of your remittances may have ruffled the equanimity of
+her temper, whilst you are</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/007-03.png"><img src=
+"images/007-03.png" alt="A man lays under a running spigot." id=
+"img007-03" name="img007-03" width="50%" /></a>
+<p>INCLINED TO TAKE IT COOLLY;</p>
+</div>
+<p>whereas a gray Duffield, or a cotton chintz, would be certain to
+induce deductions highly prejudicial to the respectability of your
+character, or, what is of equal importance, to the duration of your
+credit.</p>
+<p>The colour of your materials should be selected with due regard
+to the species of garment and the tone of the complexion. If the
+face be of that faint drab which your friends would designate
+<em>pallid</em>, and your enemies sallow, a coat of pea-green or
+snuff-brown must be scrupulously eschewed, whilst black or
+invisible green would, by contrast, make that appear delicate and
+interesting, which, by the use of the former colours, must
+necessarily seem bilious and brassy.</p>
+<p>The rosy complexionist must as earnestly avoid all sombre tints,
+as the inelegance of a healthful appearance should never be
+obtrusively displayed by being placed in juxta-position with
+colours diametrically opposite, though it is almost unnecessary to
+state that any one ignorant enough to appear of an evening in a
+coat of any other colour than blue or black (regimentals, of
+course, excepted), would certainly be condemned to a quarantine in
+the servant&rsquo;s hall. There are colours which, if worn for
+trousers by the first peer of the realm, would be as condemnatory
+of his character as a gentleman, as levanting on the settling-day
+for the Derby.</p>
+<p>The dark drab, which harmonises with the mud&mdash;the peculiar
+pepper-and-salt which is warranted not to grow gray with
+age&mdash;the indescribable mixtures, which have evidently been
+compounded for the sake of economy, must ever be exiled from the
+wardrobe and legs of a gentleman.</p>
+<p>The hunting-coat must be invariably of scarlet, due care being
+taken before wearing to dip the tips of the tails in claret or port
+wine, which, for new coats, or for those of gentlemen who do
+<em>not</em> hunt, has been found to give them an equally veteran
+appearance with the sweat of the horse.</p>
+<p><em>Of the age</em> it is only necessary to state, that a truly
+fashionable suit should never appear under a week, or be worn
+longer than a month from the time that it left the hands of its
+parent schneider. Shooting-coats are exceptions to the latter part
+of this rule, as a garment devoted to the field should always bear
+evidence of long service, and a new jacket should be consigned to
+your valet, who, if he understands his profession, will carefully
+rub the shoulders with a hearth-stone and bole-ammonia, to convey
+the appearance of friction and the deposite of the rust of the
+gun<sup>1</sup>.<span class="sidenote">1. Gentlemen who are
+theoretical, rather than practical sportsmen, would find it
+beneficial to have a partridge carefully plucked, and the feathers
+sparingly deposited in the pockets of the shooting-jacket usually
+applied to the purposes of carrying game. Newgate Market possesses
+all the advantages of a preserved manor.</span></p>
+<p>Of the cut, ornaments, and pathology of dress, we shall speak
+next week, for these are equally essential to ensure</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/007-04.png"><img src=
+"images/007-04.png" alt="A man crashes thru a window." id=
+"img007-04" name="img007-04" width="60%" /></a>
+<p>AN INTRODUCTION TO FASHIONABLE SOCIETY.</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>BEGINNING EARLY.</h3>
+<p>We are informed by the <em>Times</em> of Saturday, that at the
+late Conservative enactment at D.L., not only his Royal Highness
+Prince Albert, but the <em>infant</em> Princess Royal, was
+&ldquo;drunk, with the usual honours.&rdquo;&mdash;[<em>Proh
+pudor!</em>&mdash;PUNCH.]</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>SIBTHORP&rsquo;S VERY BEST.</h3>
+<p>Sibthorp, meeting Peel in the House of Commons, after
+congratulating him on his present enviable position, finished the
+confab with the following unrivalled conundrum:&mdash;&ldquo;By the
+bye, which of your vegetables does your Tamworth speech
+resemble!&rdquo;&mdash;&ldquo;Spinach,&rdquo; replied Peel, who, no
+doubt, associated it with
+<em>gammon</em>.&mdash;&ldquo;Pshaw,&rdquo; said the gallant
+Colonel, &ldquo;your rope inions (<em>your opinions</em>), to be
+sure!&rdquo; Peel opened his mouth, and never closed it till he
+took his seat at the table.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>BEAUTIFUL COINCIDENCE!&mdash;A PAIR OF TOOLS.</h3>
+<p>Sir Francis Burdett, the superannuated Tory <em>tool</em>,
+proposed the Conservative healths; and <em>Toole</em> the second,
+as toast-master, announced them to the assemblage.</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page76" name="page76"></a>[pg
+76]</span>
+<h2>THE CURRAH CUT;</h2>
+<h3>OR, HOW WE ALL GOT A FI&rsquo;PENNY BIT A-PIECE.</h3>
+<p>&ldquo;Are the two ponies ready?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Yes!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;And the ass?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;All right!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;And you&rsquo;ve, all five of you, got your
+fi&rsquo;pennies for Tony Dolan, the barber, at Kells?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Every one of us.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Then be off; there&rsquo;s good boys! Ride and tie like
+Christians, and don&rsquo;t be going double on the brute beasts;
+for a bit of a walk now and then will just stretch your legs. Be
+back at five to dinner; and let us see what bucks you&rsquo;ll look
+with your new-trimmed curls. Stay, there&rsquo;s another
+fi&rsquo;penny; spend that among you, and take care of yourselves,
+my little jewels!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Such were the parting queries and instructions of my kind old
+uncle to five as roaring, mischievous urchins as ever stole whisky
+to soak the shamrock on St. Patrick&rsquo;s day. The chief
+director, schemer, and perpetrator of all our fun and devilry, was,
+strange to say, &ldquo;my cousin Bob:&rdquo; the smallest, and,
+with one exception, the youngest of the party. But Bob was his
+grandmother&rsquo;s &ldquo;ashey pet&rdquo;&mdash;his
+mother&rsquo;s &ldquo;jewel&rdquo;&mdash;his father&rsquo;s
+&ldquo;mannikin&rdquo;&mdash;his nurse&rsquo;s
+&ldquo;honey&rdquo;&mdash;and the whole world&rsquo;s
+&ldquo;darlin&rsquo; little devil of a rogue!&rdquo; The expression
+of a face naturally arch, beaming with good humour, and radiant
+with happy laughter, was singularly heightened by a strange
+peculiarity of vision, which I am at a loss to describe. It was, if
+the reader can idealise the thing, an absolute
+&ldquo;beauty,&rdquo; which, unfortunately, can only be written
+about by the appliances of some term conveying the notion of a
+blemish. The glances from his bright eyes seemed to steal out from
+under their long fringe, the most reckless truants of exulting
+mirth. No matter what he said, he looked a joke. Now for his
+orders:&mdash;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Aisy with you, lads. Cousin Harry, take first ride on St.
+Patrick (the name of the ass)&mdash;here&rsquo;s a leg up. The two
+Dicks can have Scrub and Rasper. Jack and Billy, boys, catch a hold
+of the bridles, or devil a ha&rsquo;p&rsquo;worth of ride and tie
+there&rsquo;ll be in at all, if them Dicks get the
+start&mdash;Shanks&rsquo; mare will take you to Kells. Don&rsquo;t
+be galloping off in that manner, but shoot aisy! Remember, the ass
+has got to keep up with you, and I&rsquo;ve got to keep up with the
+ass. That&rsquo;s the thing&mdash;steady she goes! It&rsquo;s an
+elegant day, and no hurry in life. Spider! come here,
+boy&mdash;that&rsquo;s right. Down, sir! down, you devil, or wipe
+your paws. Bad manners to you&mdash;look at them breeches! Never
+mind, there&rsquo;s a power of rats at Tony Carroll&rsquo;s
+barn&mdash;it&rsquo;s mighty little out o&rsquo; the way, and may
+be we&rsquo;ll get a hunt. What say you?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;A hunt, a hunt, by all manes! there&rsquo;s the fun of
+it! Come on, lads&mdash;here&rsquo;s the place!&mdash;turn off, and
+go to work! Wait, wait! get a stick a-piece, and break the necks of
+&rsquo;em! Hurrah!&mdash;in Spider!&mdash;find &rsquo;em boy! Good
+lad! Tare an ouns, you may well squeak! Good dog! good dog!
+that&rsquo;s a grandfather!&mdash;we&rsquo;ll have more yet; the
+family always come to the ould one&rsquo;s berrin&rsquo;.
+I&rsquo;ve seen &rsquo;em often, and mighty dacent they behave.
+Damn Kells and the barber, up with the boords and go to
+work!&mdash;this is something like sport! Houly Paul, there&rsquo;s
+one up my breeches&mdash;here&rsquo;s the tail of him&mdash;he
+caught a hould of my leather-garter. Come out of that, Spider!
+Spider, here he is&mdash;that&rsquo;s it&mdash;give him another
+shake for his impudence&mdash;serve him out! Hurrah!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Fast and furious&rdquo; grew our incessant urging on of
+the willing Spider, for his continued efforts at extermination. At
+the end of two hours, the metamorphosed barn was nearly stripped of
+its flooring&mdash;nine huge rats lay dead, as trophies of our own
+achievements&mdash;the panting Spider, &ldquo;by turns caressing,
+and by turns caressed,&rdquo; licking alternately the hands and
+faces of all, as we sat on the low ledge of the doorway, wagging
+his close-cut stump of tail, as if he were resolved, by his
+unceasing exertions, to get entirely rid of that excited dorsal
+ornament.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;This is the rael thing,&rdquo; said Bob.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;So it is,&rdquo; said Dick; &ldquo;but&rdquo;&mdash;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;But what?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Why, devil a ha&rsquo;p&rsquo;orth of Kells or
+hair-cutting there&rsquo;s in it.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Not a taste,&rdquo; chimed in Jack.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Nothing like it,&rdquo; echoed Will.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;What will we do?&rdquo; said all at once. There was a
+short pause&mdash;after which the matter was resumed by Dick, who
+was intended for a parson, and therefore rather given to
+moralising.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Life,&rdquo; quoth Dick&mdash;&ldquo;life&rsquo;s
+uncertain.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;You may say that,&rdquo; rejoined Bob; &ldquo;look at
+them rats.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Tony Dowlan&rsquo;s a hard-drinking man, and his mother
+had fits.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Of the same sort,&rdquo; said Bob.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Well, then,&rdquo; continued Dick, &ldquo;there&rsquo;s
+no knowing&mdash;he may be dead&mdash;if so, how could he cut our
+hair?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Here Dick, like Brutus, paused for a reply. Bob produced
+one.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;It&rsquo;s a good scheme, but it won&rsquo;t do; the
+likes of him never does anything he&rsquo;s wanted to. He&rsquo;s
+the contrariest ould thief in Ireland! I wish mama hadn&rsquo;t got
+a party; we&rsquo;d do well enough but for that. Never mind, boys,
+I&rsquo;ve got it. There&rsquo;s Mikey Brian, he&rsquo;s the
+boy!</p>
+<p>&ldquo;What for?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;To cut the hair of the whole of us.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;<em>He</em> can&rsquo;t do it.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Can&rsquo;t! wait, a-cushla, till I tell you, or,
+what&rsquo;s better, show you. Come now, you devils. Look at the
+heels (Rasper&rsquo;s and Scrub&rsquo;s) of them ponies! Did ever
+you see anything like them!&mdash;look at the cutting
+there&mdash;Tony Dowlan never had the knack o&rsquo; that tasty
+work in his dirty finger and thumb&mdash;and who done that? Why
+Mikey Brian&mdash;didn&rsquo;t I see him myself; and isn&rsquo;t he
+the boy that can &lsquo;bang Bannaker&rsquo; at anything! Oh!
+he&rsquo;ll cut us elegant!&mdash;he&rsquo;ll do the squad for a
+fi&rsquo;penny&mdash;and then, lads, there&rsquo;s them five others
+will be just one a-piece to buy gut and flies! Come on, you
+Hessians!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>No sooner proposed than acceded to&mdash;off we set, for the
+eulogised &ldquo;Bannaker banging Mikey Brian.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>A stout, handsome boy he was&mdash;rising
+four-and-twenty&mdash;a fighting, kissing, rollicking,
+ball-playing, dancing vagabone, as you&rsquo;d see in a day&rsquo;s
+march&mdash;such a fellow as you only meet in Ireland&mdash;a bit
+of a gardener, a bit of a groom, a bit of a futboy, and a bit of a
+horse-docthor.</p>
+<p>We reached the stables by the back way, and there, in his own
+peculiar loft, was Mikey Brian, brushing a somewhat faded livery,
+in which to wait upon the coming quality.</p>
+<p>Bob stated the case, as far as the want of our locks&rsquo;
+curtailment went, but made no mention of the delay which occasioned
+our coming to Mikey; on the contrary, he attributed the preference
+solely to our conviction of his superior abilities, and the wish to
+give him a chance, as he felt convinced, if he had fair play,
+he&rsquo;d be engaged miles round, instead of the hopping old
+shaver at Kells.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I&rsquo;m your man, Masther Robert.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Who&rsquo;s first?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I am&mdash;there&rsquo;s the
+fi&rsquo;penny&mdash;that&rsquo;s for the lot!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Good luck to you, sit down&mdash;will you have the Currah
+thoro&rsquo;bred-cut?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;That&rsquo;s the thing,&rdquo; said Bob.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Then, young gentlement, as there ain&rsquo;t much
+room&mdash;and if you do be all looking on, I&rsquo;ll be
+bothered&mdash;just come in one by one.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Out we went, and, in an inconceivably short space, Bob
+emerged.</p>
+<p>Mikey advising: &ldquo;Master Robert, dear, keep your hat on for
+the life of you, for fear of cowld.&rdquo; A few minutes finished
+us all.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;This is elegant,&rdquo; said Bob. &ldquo;Mikey, it will
+be the making of you; but don&rsquo;t say a word till you hear how
+they&rsquo;ll praise you at dinner.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Mum!&rdquo; said Mikey, and off we rushed.</p>
+<p>I felt rather astonished at the ease with which my hat sat;
+while those of the rest appeared ready to fall over their noses.
+Being in a hurry, this was passed over. The second dinner-bell
+rang&mdash;we bolted up for a brief ablution&mdash;our hats were
+thrown into a corner, and, as if by one consent, all eyes were
+fixed upon each other&rsquo;s heads!</p>
+<p>Bob gave tongue: &ldquo;The Devil&rsquo;s skewer to Mikey Brian!
+and bad luck to the Currah thoro&rsquo;bred cut! Not the eighth
+part of an inch of &lsquo;air there is amongst the set of us. What
+will the master say? Never mind; we&rsquo;ve got the
+fi&rsquo;pennies! Come to dinner!&mdash;by the Puck we are
+beauties!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>We reached the dining-room unperceived; but who can describe the
+agony of my aunt Kate, when she clapped her eyes upon five such
+close-clipped scarecrows. She vowed vengence of all sorts and
+descriptions against the impudent, unnatural, shameful monster!
+Terms which Mikey Brian, in the back-ground, appropriated to
+himself, and with the utmost difficulty restrained his rising wrath
+from breaking out.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;What,&rdquo; continued aunt Kate, &ldquo;what does he
+call this?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;It&rsquo;s the thoro&rsquo;bred Currah-cut,
+ma&rsquo;am,&rdquo; said Bob, with one of his peculiar glances at
+Mikey and the rest.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;And mighty cool wearing, I&rsquo;ll be bail,&rdquo;
+muttered Mikey.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Does he call that hair-cutting?&rdquo; screamed my
+aunt.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;That, and nothing but it,&rdquo; quietly retorted Bob,
+passing his hand over his head; &ldquo;you can&rsquo;t deny the
+cutting, ma&rsquo;am.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;The young gentlemen look elegant,&rdquo; said Mikey.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I&rsquo;m told it&rsquo;s all the go, ma&rsquo;am,&rdquo;
+said Bob.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Wait!&rdquo; said my aunt, with suppressed rage;
+&ldquo;wait till I go to Kells.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>This did not happen for six weeks; our aunt&rsquo;s anger was
+mollified as our locks were once more human. Upon upbraiding
+&ldquo;Tony Knowlan&rdquo; the murder came out. A hearty laugh
+ensured our pardon, and Mikey Brian&rsquo;s; and the story of the
+&ldquo;thoro&rsquo;bred Currah-cut&rdquo; was often told, as the
+means by which &ldquo;we all got a fi&rsquo;penny bit
+a-piece.&rdquo;&mdash;FUSBOS.</p>
+<hr />
+<p>There is a portrait of a person so like him, that, the other
+day, a friend who called took no notice whatever of the man,
+further than saying he was a good likeness, but asked the portrait
+to dinner, and only found out his mistake when he went up to shake
+hands with it at parting.</p>
+<hr />
+<p>An American hearing that there was a fire in his neighbourhood,
+and that it might possibly consume his house, took the precaution
+to <em>bolt</em> his own door; that he might be, so far at least,
+beforehand with the <em>devouring</em> element.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>BAD EITHER WAY.</h3>
+<p>The peace, happiness, and prosperity of England, are threatened
+by <em>Peel</em>; in Ireland, the picture is reversed: the safety
+of that country is endangered by <em>Re-peal</em>. It would be hard
+to say which is worst.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>A CONSTANT PAIR.</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Jane is a constant wench (so Sibthorp says);</p>
+<p>For in how <em>many</em> shops you see <em>Jean stays</em>!</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>A COUNT AND HIS SCHNEIDER.</h3>
+<p>The Count&rsquo;s fashioner sent in, the other day, his bill,
+which was a pretty considerable time overdue, accompanied by the
+following polite note:&mdash;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Sir,&mdash;Your bill having been for a very long time
+standing, I beg that it may be settled forthwith.</p>
+<p class="rgt">&ldquo;Yours,<br />
+&ldquo;B&mdash;&mdash;.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>To which Snip received the following reply:&mdash;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Sir,&mdash;I am very sorry that your bill should have
+been kept standing so long. Pray request it to <em>sit</em>
+down.</p>
+<p class="rgt">&ldquo;Yours,<br />
+&ldquo;**&rdquo;</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page77" name="page77"></a>[pg
+77]</span>
+<h2>NARRATIVE OF AN AWFUL CASE OF EXTREME DISTRESS.</h2>
+<p>It was in the year 1808, that myself and seven others resolved
+upon taking chambers in Staples&rsquo; Inn. Our avowed object was
+to study, but we had in reality assembled together for the purposes
+of convivial enjoyment, and what were then designated
+&ldquo;sprees.&rdquo; Our stock consisted of four hundred and
+twelve pounds, which we had drawn from our parents and guardians
+under the various pretences of paying fees and procuring books for
+the advancement of our knowledge in the sublime mysteries of that
+black art called Law. In addition to our pecuniary resources, we
+had also a fair assortment of wearing-apparel, and it was well for
+us that parental anxiety had provided most of us with a change of
+garments suitable to the various seasons. For a long time
+everything went on riotously and prosperously. We visited the
+Theatres, the Coal-hole, the Cider-cellars, and the Saloon, and
+became such ardent admirers of the &ldquo;Waterford system of
+passing a night and morning,&rdquo; that scarcely a day came
+without a draft upon the treasury for that legal imposition upon
+the liberty of the subject&mdash;the five-shilling fine; besides
+the discharge of promissory notes as compensation for trifling
+damages done to the heads and property of various individuals.</p>
+<p>About a month after the formation of our association we were all
+suffering severely from thirsty head-aches, produced, I am
+convinced, by the rapid consumption of thirteen bowls of
+whiskey-punch on the preceding night. The rain was falling in
+perpendicular torrents, and the whole aspect of out-of-door nature
+was gloomy and sloppy, when we were alarmed by the exclamation of
+Joseph Jones (a relation of the Welsh Joneses), who officiated as
+our treasurer, and upon inquiring the cause, were horror-stricken
+to find that we had arrived at our last ten-pound note, and that
+the landlord had sent an imperative message, requiring the
+immediate settlement of our back-rent. It is impossible to paint
+the consternation depicted on every countenance, already
+sufficiently disordered by previous suffering and biliary
+disarrangement.</p>
+<p>I was the first to speak; for being the son of a shabby-genteel
+father, I had witnessed in my infancy many of those schemes to
+raise the needful, to which ambitious men with limited incomes are
+so frequently driven. I therefore bid them be of good heart, for
+that any pawnbroker in the neighbourhood would readily advance
+money upon the superfluous wardrobe which we possessed. This remark
+was received with loud cheers, which, I have no doubt, would have
+been much more vehement but from the fatal effects of the
+whiskey-punch.</p>
+<p>The landlord&rsquo;s claim was instantly discharged, and after
+several pots of strong green tea, rendered innocuous by brandy, we
+sallied forth in pursuit of what we then ignorantly conceived to be
+pleasure.</p>
+<p>I will not pause to particularise the gradual diminution of our
+property, but come at once to that period when, having consumed all
+our superfluities, it become a serious subject of consideration,
+what should next be sacrificed.</p>
+<p>I will now proceed to make extracts from our general diary,
+merely premising that our only attendant was an asthmatic
+individual named Peter.</p>
+<p><em>Dec. 2, 1808.</em>&mdash;Peter reported stock&mdash;eight
+coats, eight waistcoats, eight pairs of trousers, two ounces of
+coffee, half a quartern loaf, and a ha&rsquo;p&rsquo;orth of milk.
+The eight waistcoats required for dinner. Peter ordered to pop
+accordingly&mdash;proceeds 7<em>s.</em> 6<em>d.</em> Invested in a
+small leg of mutton and half-and-half.</p>
+<p><em>Dec. 3.</em>&mdash;Peter reported stock&mdash;coats
+<em>idem</em>, trousers <em>idem</em>&mdash;a mutton
+bone&mdash;rent due&mdash;a coat and a pair of trousers ordered for
+immediate necessities&mdash;lots drawn&mdash;Jones the victim.
+Moved the court to grant him his trousers, as his coat was lined
+with silk, which would furnish the trimmings&mdash;rejected. Peter
+popped the suit, and Jones went to bed. All signed an undertaking
+to redeem Jones with the first remittance from the country.
+Proceeds 40<em>s.</em> Paid rent, and dined on &agrave;-la-mode
+beef and potatoes&mdash;beer limited to one quart. Peter hinted at
+wages, and was remonstrated with on the folly and cruelty of his
+conduct.</p>
+<p><em>Dec. 4.</em>&mdash;Peter reported stock&mdash;seven coats,
+seven pairs of trousers, and a gentleman in bed. Washerwoman
+called&mdash;gave notice of detaining linen unless settled
+with&mdash;two coats and one pair of trousers ordered for
+consumption. Lots drawn&mdash;Smith the victim for coat and
+trousers&mdash;Brown for the continuations only. Smith retired to
+bed&mdash;Brown obtained permission to sit in a blanket. Proceeds
+of the above, 38<em>s.</em>&mdash;both pairs of trousers having
+been reseated. Jones very violent, declaring it an imposition, and
+that every gentleman who had been repaired, should enter himself so
+on the books. The linen redeemed, leaving&mdash;nothing for
+dinner.</p>
+<p><em>Dec. 5.</em>&mdash;Peter reported stock&mdash;four coats,
+and five pairs of trousers. Account not agreeing, Peter was called
+in&mdash;found that Williams had bolted&mdash;Jones offered to call
+him out, if we would dress him for the day&mdash;Smith undertook to
+negotiate preliminaries on the same conditions&mdash;Williams voted
+not worth powder and shot in the present state of our finances. A
+coat and two pair of continuations ordered for supplies&mdash;lots
+drawn&mdash;Black and Edwards the victims. Black retired to bed,
+and Edwards to a blanket&mdash;proceeds, 20<em>s.</em> Jones,
+Smith, and Black, petitioned for an increased supply of
+coals&mdash;agreed to. Dinner, a large leg of mutton and baked
+potatoes. Peter lodged a detainer against the change, as he wanted
+his hair cut and a box of vegetable pills&mdash;so he said.</p>
+<p><em>Dec. 6.</em>&mdash;Peter reported stock&mdash;three coats,
+three pairs of trousers, quarter of a pound of mutton, and one
+potato. Landlord sent a note remonstrating against using the beds
+all day, and applying the blankets to the purposes of
+dressing-gowns. Proposed, in consequence of this impertinent
+communication, that the payment of the next week&rsquo;s rent be
+disputed&mdash;carried <em>nem. con</em>. A coat and a pair of
+trousers ordered for the day&rsquo;s necessities&mdash;Peter popped
+as usual&mdash;proceeds, 10<em>s.</em> 6<em>d.</em>&mdash;coals
+bought&mdash;ditto a quire of paper, and the <em>et cets</em>. for
+home correspondence. Blue devils very prevalent.</p>
+<p><em>Dec. 7.</em>&mdash;Peter reported stock&mdash;two coats, two
+pairs of trousers, and five gentlemen in bed. Smith hinted at the
+&ldquo;beauties of <em>Burke</em>&ldquo;&mdash;Peter brought a note
+for Jones&mdash;everybody in ecstacy&mdash;Jones&rsquo;s jolly old
+uncle from Glamorganshire had arrived in town. Huzza! safe for a
+20<em>l.</em> Busker (<em>that&rsquo;s myself</em>) volunteered his
+suit&mdash;Jones dressed and off in a brace of shakes&mdash;caught
+Peter laughing&mdash;found it was a hoax of Jones&rsquo;s to give
+us the slip&mdash;would have stripped Peter, only his clothes were
+worth nothing&mdash;calculated the produce of the remaining suit
+at&mdash;</p>
+<table summary="Proceeds from the suit" style="margin-left:10%;">
+<tr>
+<td>Buttons</td>
+<td>a breakfast.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>Two sleeves</td>
+<td>one pint of porter.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>Body</td>
+<td>four plates of &agrave;-la-mode.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td width="50%">Trousers (at per leg)</td>
+<td>half a quartern loaf.</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+<p>Caught an idea.&mdash;wrote an anonymous letter to the landlord,
+and told him that an association had been formed to burke Colonel
+Sibthorp&mdash;his lodgers the conspirators&mdash;that the scheme
+was called the &ldquo;Lie-a-bed plot&rdquo;&mdash;poverty with his
+lodgers all fudge&mdash;men of immense wealth&mdash;get rid of them
+for his own sake&mdash;old boy very nervous, having been in quod
+for smuggling&mdash;gave us warning&mdash;couldn&rsquo;t go if we
+would. Landlord redeemed our clothes. Ha! ha!&mdash;did him
+brown.</p>
+<p>The above is a statement of what I suffered during my minority.
+I have now the honour to be a magistrate and a member of
+Parliament.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>THE RICH OLD BUFFER.</h3>
+<h4>A MAIDEN LYRIC.</h4>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Urge it no more! I must not wed</p>
+<p class="i2">One who is poor, so hold your prattle;</p>
+<p>My lips on love have ne&rsquo;er been fed,</p>
+<p class="i2">With poverty I cannot battle.</p>
+<p>My choice is made&mdash;I know I&rsquo;m right&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Who wed for love starvation suffer;</p>
+<p>So I will study day and night</p>
+<p class="i2">To please and win a rich OLD BUFFER.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Romance is very fine, I own;</p>
+<p class="i2">Reality is vastly better;</p>
+<p>I&rsquo;m twenty&mdash;past&mdash;romance is flown&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">To Cupid I&rsquo;m no longer debtor.</p>
+<p>Wealth, power, and rank&mdash;I ask no more&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Let the world frown, with these I&rsquo;ll rough
+her&mdash;</p>
+<p>Give me an equipage and four,</p>
+<p class="i2">Blood bays, a page, and&mdash;rich OLD BUFFER.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>An opera-box shall be my court,</p>
+<p class="i2">Myself the sovereign of the women;</p>
+<p>There moustached loungers shall resort,</p>
+<p class="i2">Whilst Elssler o&rsquo;er the stage is skimming.</p>
+<p>If any rival dare dispute</p>
+<p class="i2">The palm of <em>ton</em>, my set shall huff her;</p>
+<p>I&rsquo;ll reign supreme, make envy mute,</p>
+<p class="i2">When once I wed a rich OLD BUFFFER!</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>&ldquo;The heart&rdquo;&mdash;&ldquo;the
+feelings&rdquo;&mdash;pshaw! for nought</p>
+<p class="i2"><em>They</em> go, I grant, though quite
+enchanting</p>
+<p>In valentines by school-girls wrought:</p>
+<p class="i2">Nonsense! by me they are not wanting.</p>
+<p>A note! and, as I live, a ring!</p>
+<p class="i2">&ldquo;Pity the sad suspense I suffer!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>All&rsquo;s right. I knew to book I&rsquo;d bring</p>
+<p class="i2">Old Brown. I&rsquo;ve caught&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i10">A RICH OLD BUFFER.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>PHILANTHROPY, FINE WRITING, AND FIREWORKS.</h3>
+<p>A writer in a morning paper, eulogising the Licensed
+Victuallers&rsquo; f&ecirc;te at Vauxhall Gardens, on Tuesday
+evening, bursts into the following magnificent
+flight:&mdash;&ldquo;Wit has been profanely said, like the Pagan,
+to deify the brute&rdquo; (the writer will never increase the
+mythology); &ldquo;but here,&rdquo; (that is, in the royal
+property,) &ldquo;while intellect and skill&rdquo; (together with
+Roman candles) &ldquo;exhibit their various manifestations,
+Charity&rdquo; (arrack punch and blue fire) &ldquo;throw their
+benign halo over the festive scene&rdquo; (in the circle and
+Widdicomb), &ldquo;and not only sanctify the enjoyment&rdquo; (of
+ham and Green&rsquo;s ascent), &ldquo;but improve&rdquo; (the
+appetite) &ldquo;and elevate&rdquo; (the victuallers) &ldquo;the
+feelings&rdquo; (and the sky-rockets) &ldquo;of all who participate
+in it&rdquo; (and the sticks coming down). &ldquo;This is, truly an
+occasion when every licensed victualler should be at his
+post&rdquo; (with a stretcher in waiting).</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page78" name="page78"></a>[pg
+78]</span>
+<h2>IMPERIAL PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+<p>As the coming session of Parliament is likely to be a busy
+one&mdash;for PUNCH&mdash;we have engaged some highly talented
+gentlemen expressly to report the fun in the House. The public will
+therefore have the benefit of all the senatorial brilliancy,
+combined with our own peculiar powers of description.
+Sibthorp&mdash;(scintillations fly from our pen as we trace the
+magic word)&mdash;shall, for one session at least, have justice
+done to his Sheridanic mind. Muntz shall be cut with a friendly
+hand, and Peter Borthwick feel that the days of his histrionic
+glories are returned, when his name, and that of
+&ldquo;Avon&rsquo;s swan,&rdquo; figured daily in the
+&ldquo;<em>Stokum-cum-Pogis Gazette</em>.&rdquo; Let any member
+prove himself worthy of being associated with the brilliant names
+which ornament our pages, and be certain we will insure his
+immortality. We will now proceed to our report of</p>
+<h3>THE QUEEN&rsquo;S SPEECH.</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i4">MY LORDS AND GENTLEMEN,</p>
+<p class="i10">This morn at crow-cock,</p>
+<p class="i10">Great Doctor Locock</p>
+<p>Decided that her Majesty had better</p>
+<p>Remain at home, for (as <em>I</em> read the letter)</p>
+<p>He thought the opening speech</p>
+<p>Would be &ldquo;more honoured in the breach</p>
+<p>Than the observance.&rdquo; So here I am,</p>
+<p>To read a royal speech without a flam.</p>
+<p>Her Majesty continues to receive</p>
+<p>From Foreign Powers good reasons to believe</p>
+<p>That, for the universe, they would not tease her,</p>
+<p>But do whate&rsquo;er they could on earth to please her.</p>
+<p class="i8">A striking fact,</p>
+<p class="i8">That proves each act</p>
+<p>Of <em>us</em>, the Cabinet, has been judicious,</p>
+<p>Though of our conduct <em>some</em> folks <em>are</em>
+suspicious.</p>
+<p>Her Majesty has also satisfaction</p>
+<p>To state the July treaty did succeed</p>
+<p>(Aided, no doubt, by Napier&rsquo;s gallant action),</p>
+<p>And that in peace the Sultan smokes his weed.</p>
+<p>That France, because she was left out,</p>
+<p>Did for a little while&mdash;now bounce&mdash;now pout,</p>
+<p>Is in the best of humours, and will still</p>
+<p>Lend us her Jullien, monarch of quadrille!</p>
+<p>And as her Majesty&rsquo;s a peaceful woman,</p>
+<p>She hopes we shall get into rows with no man.</p>
+<p>Her Majesty is also glad to say,</p>
+<p>That as the Persian troops have march&rsquo;d away,</p>
+<p>Her Minister has orders to resume</p>
+<p>His powers at Teheran, where he&rsquo;s ta&rsquo;en a room.</p>
+<p>Her Majesty regrets that the Chinese</p>
+<p>Are running up the prices of our teas:</p>
+<p>But should the Emperor continue crusty,</p>
+<p>Elliot&rsquo;s to find out if his jacket&rsquo;s dusty.</p>
+<p>Her Majesty has also had the pleasure</p>
+<p>(By using a conciliatory measure)</p>
+<p>To settle Spain and Portugal&rsquo;s division</p>
+<p>About the Douro treaty&rsquo;s true provision.</p>
+<p>Her Majesty (she grieves to say) &rsquo;s contrived to get,</p>
+<p>Like all her predecessors, into debt&mdash;</p>
+<p>In Upper Canada, which, we suppose,</p>
+<p>By this time is a fact the Council knows,</p>
+<p>And what they think, or say, or write about it,</p>
+<p>You&rsquo;ll he advised of, and the Queen don&rsquo;t doubt
+it,</p>
+<p>But you&rsquo;ll contrive to make the thing all square,</p>
+<p>So leaves the matter to your loyal care.</p>
+<p class="i4">GENTLEMEN OF THE HOUSE OF COMMONS,</p>
+<p>Her Majesty, I&rsquo;m proud to say, relies</p>
+<p>On you with confidence for the supplies;</p>
+<p>And, as there&rsquo;s much to pay, she begs to hint</p>
+<p>She hopes sincerely you&rsquo;ll not spare the Mint.</p>
+<p class="i4">MY LORDS AND GENTLEMEN,</p>
+<p>The public till,</p>
+<p>I much regret to say, is looking ill;</p>
+<p>For Canada and China, and the Whigs&mdash;no, no&mdash;</p>
+<p>Some other prigs&mdash;have left the cash so-so:</p>
+<p>But as our soldiers and our tars, brave lads,</p>
+<p>Won&rsquo;t shell out shells till we shell out the brads,</p>
+<p>Her Majesty desires you&rsquo;ll be so kind</p>
+<p>As to devise some means to raise the wind,</p>
+<p>Either by taxing more or taxing less,</p>
+<p>Relieving or increasing our distress;</p>
+<p>Or by increasing twopennies to quarterns,</p>
+<p>Or keeping up the price which &ldquo;Commons
+shortens;&rdquo;</p>
+<p>By making weavers&rsquo; wages high or low,</p>
+<p>Or other means, but what we do not know.</p>
+<p>But the one thing our royal mistress axes,</p>
+<p>Is, that you&rsquo;ll make the people pay their taxes.</p>
+<p>The last request, I fear, will cause surprise&mdash;</p>
+<p>Her Majesty requests <em>you to be wise</em>.</p>
+<p>If you comply at once, the world will own</p>
+<p>It is the greatest miracle e&rsquo;er known.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="full" />
+<h2>THE DINNEROLOGY OF ENGLAND.</h2>
+<p>Man is the only animal that cooks his dinner before he eats it.
+All other species of the same genus are content to take the
+provisions of nature as they find them; but man&rsquo;s reason has
+designed pots and roasting-jacks, stewpans and bakers&rsquo; ovens;
+thus opening a wide field for the exercise of that culinary
+ingenuity which has rendered the names of Glasse and Kitchiner
+immortal. Of such importance is the gastronomic art to the
+well-being of England, that we question much if the &ldquo;wooden
+walls,&rdquo; which have been the theme of many a song, afford her
+the same protection as her dinners. The ancients sought, by the
+distribution of crowns and flowers, to stimulate the enterprising
+and reward the successful; but England, despising such empty
+honours and distinctions, tempts the diffident with a haunch of
+venison, and rewards the daring with real turtle.</p>
+<p>If charity seeks the aid of the benevolent, she no longer trusts
+to the magic of oratory to &ldquo;melt the tender soul to
+pity,&rdquo; and untie the purse-strings; but, grown wise by
+experience, she sends in her card in the shape of &ldquo;a guinea
+ticket, bottle of wine included;&rdquo; and thus appeals, if not to
+the heart, at least to its next-door neighbour&mdash;the
+stomach.</p>
+<p>The hero is no longer conducted to the temple of Victory amid
+the shouts of his grateful and admiring countrymen, but to the
+Freemason&rsquo;s, the Crown and Anchor, or the Town Hall, there to
+have his plate heaped with the choicest viands, his glass tilled
+from the best bins, and &ldquo;his health drank with three times
+three, and a little one in.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>The bard has now to experience &ldquo;the happiest moment of his
+life&rdquo; amid the jingling of glasses, the rattle of dessert
+plates, and the stentorian vociferations of the toast-master to
+&ldquo;charge your glasses, gentlemen&mdash;Mr. Dionysius Dactyl,
+the ornament of the age, with nine times nine,&rdquo; and to pour
+out the flood of his poetic gratitude, with half a glass of port in
+one hand and a table-napkin in the other.</p>
+<p>The Cicero who has persuaded an enlightened body of electors to
+receive &pound;10,000 decimated amongst them, and has in return the
+honour of sleeping in &ldquo;St. Stephen&rsquo;s,&rdquo; and
+smoking in &ldquo;Bellamy&rsquo;s,&rdquo; or, to be less
+figurative, who has been returned as their representative in
+Parliament, receives the foretaste of his importance in a
+&ldquo;public dinner,&rdquo; which commemorates his election; or
+should he desire to express &ldquo;the deep sense of his
+gratitude,&rdquo; like Lord Mahon at Hertford, he cannot better
+prove his sincerity than by the liberal distribution of invitations
+for the unrestrained consumption of mutton, and the unlimited
+imbibition of &ldquo;foreign wines and spirituous
+liquors.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>If a renegade, like Sir Francis Burdett, is desirous of making
+his apostacy the theme of general remark&mdash;of surprising the
+world with an exhibition of prostrated worth&mdash;let him not seek
+the market-cross to publish his dishonour, whilst there remains the
+elevated chair at a dinner-table. Let him prove himself entitled to
+be ranked as a man, by the elaborate manner in which he seasons his
+soup or anatomises a joint. Let him have the glass and the
+towel&mdash;the one to cool the tongue, which must burn with the
+fulsome praises of those whom he has hitherto decried, and the
+other as a ready appliance to conceal the blush which must rush to
+the cheek from the consciousness of the thousand recollections of
+former professions awakened in the minds of every applauder of his
+apostacy. Let him have a Toole to give bold utterance to the toasts
+which, in former years, would have called forth his contumely and
+indignation, and which, even now, he dare only whisper, lest the
+echo of his own voice should be changed into a curse. Let him have
+wine, that his blood may riot through his veins and drive memory
+onward. Let him have wine, that when the hollow cheers of his new
+allies ring in his ears he may be incapable of understanding their
+real meaning; or, when he rises to respond to the lip-service of
+his fellow bacchanals, the fumes may supply the place of mercy, and
+save him from the abjectness of self-degradation. Burdett! the 20th
+of August will never be forgotten! You have earned an epitaph that
+will scorch men&rsquo;s eyes&mdash;</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="cen">&ldquo;To the last a
+renegade.&rdquo;<sup>2</sup><span class="sidenote">2. &ldquo;Siege
+of Corinth.&rdquo;</span></p>
+<hr class="short" /></div>
+</div>
+<p>Who that possesses the least reflection ever visited a
+police-office without feeling how intimately it was connected with
+the cook-shop! The victims to the intoxicating qualities of pickled
+salmon, oyster-sauce, and lobster salad, are innumerable; for where
+one gentleman or lady pleads guilty to too much wine, a thousand
+extenuate on the score of indigestion. We are aware that the
+disorganisation of the digestive powers is very
+prevalent&mdash;about one or two in the morning&mdash;and we have
+no doubt the Conservative friends of Captain Rous, who
+patriotically contributed five shillings each to the Queen, and one
+gentleman (a chum of our own at Cheam, if we mistake not) a
+sovereign to the poor-box, were all doubtlessly suffering from this
+cause, combined with their enthusiasm for the gallant Rous,
+and&mdash;<em>proh pudor!</em>&mdash;Burdett.</p>
+<p>How much, then, are we indebted to our cooks! those perspiring
+professors of gastronomy and their valuable assistants&mdash;the
+industrious scullery-maids. Let not the Melbourne opposition to
+this meritorious class, be supported by the nation at large; for
+England would soon cease to occupy her present proud pre-eminence,
+did her rulers, her patriots, and her heroes, sit down to cold
+mutton, or the villanously dressed &ldquo;joints ready from 12 to
+5.&rdquo; Justice is said to be the foundation of all national
+prosperity&mdash;we contend that it is repletion&mdash;that Mr.
+Toole, the toast-master, is the only embodiment of fame, and that
+true glory consists of a gratuitous participation in &ldquo;Three
+courses and a dessert!&rdquo;</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>INQUEST&mdash;NOT EXTRAORDINARY.</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Great Bulwer&rsquo;s works fell on Miss Basbleu&rsquo;s
+head.</p>
+<p>And, in a moment, lo! the maid was dead!</p>
+<p>A jury sat, and found the verdict plain&mdash;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;She died of <em>milk</em> and <em>water on the
+brain</em>.&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page79" name="page79"></a>[pg
+79]</span>
+<h2>PUNCH&rsquo;S PENCILLINGS.&mdash;NO. VII.</h2>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/007-05.png"><img src=
+"images/007-05.png" alt="A man gives a smaller man a haircut." id=
+"img007-05" name="img007-05" width="100%" /></a>
+<p>TRIMMING A W(H)IG.</p>
+</div>
+<!--[pg 80]-->
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page81" name="page81"></a>[pg
+81]</span>
+<h2>NAPOLEON&rsquo;S STATUE AT BOULOGNE.</h2>
+<p class="note">[The bronze statue of Napoleon which was last
+placed on the summit of the grand column at Boulogne with
+extraordinary ceremony, has been turned, by design or accident,
+with its back to England.]</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Upon its lofty column&rsquo;s stand,</p>
+<p class="i2">Napoleon takes his place;</p>
+<p>His back still turned upon that land</p>
+<p class="i2">That never saw his face.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<h4>THE HIEROGLYPHIC DECIPHERED.</h4>
+<p>The letters V.P.W. scratched by some person on the brow of the
+statue of Napoleon while it lay on the ground beside the column,
+which were supposed to stand for the insulting words <em>Vaincu par
+Wellington</em>, have given great offence to the French. We have
+authority for contradicting this unjust explanation. The letters
+are the work of an ambitious Common Councilman of Portsoken Ward,
+who, wishing to associate himself with the great Napoleon,
+scratched on the bronze the initials of his
+name&mdash;V.P.W.&mdash;VILLIAM PAUL WENABLES.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>SONGS FOR THE SENTIMENTAL.&mdash;NO. 3.</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>&ldquo;O fly with me, lady, my gallant <em>destrere</em></p>
+<p class="i2">Is as true as the brand by my side;</p>
+<p>Through flood and o&rsquo;er moorland his master he&rsquo;ll
+bear,</p>
+<p class="i2">With the maiden he seeks for a bride.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>This, this was the theme of the troubadour&rsquo;s lay,</p>
+<p class="i2">And thus did the lady reply:&mdash;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Sir knight, ere I trust thee, look hither and say,</p>
+<p class="i2">Do you see any green in my eye?&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>&ldquo;O, doubt me not, lady, my lance shall maintain</p>
+<p class="i2">That thou&rsquo;rt peerless in beauty and fame;</p>
+<p>And the bravest should eat of the dust of the plain,</p>
+<p class="i2">Who would quaff not a cup to thy name.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I doubt not thy prowess in list or in fray,</p>
+<p class="i2">For none dare thy courage belie;</p>
+<p>And I&rsquo;ll trust thee, though kindred and priest say me
+nay&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">When you see any green in my eye!&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>TO POLITICAL WRITERS,</h3>
+<h4>AND TO THE EDITOR OF THE &ldquo;TIMES&rdquo; IN
+PARTICULAR.</h4>
+<p>Mr. Solomons begs to announce to reporters of newspapers, that
+he has constructed, at a very great expense, several sets of new
+glasses, which will enable the wearer to see as small or as great a
+number of auditors, at public conferences and political meetings,
+as may suit his purpose. Mr. Solomons has also invented a new kind
+of ear-trumpet, which will enable a reporter to hear only such
+portions of an harangue as may be in accordance with his political
+bias; or should there be nothing uttered by any speaker that may
+suit his purpose, these ear-trumpets will change the sounds of
+words and the construction of sentences in such a way as to be
+incontrovertible, although every syllable should be diverted from
+its original meaning and intention. They have also the power of
+larding a speech with &ldquo;loud cheers,&rdquo; or &ldquo;strong
+disapprobation.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>These valuable inventions have been in use for some years by Mr.
+Solomons&rsquo; respected friend, the editor of the <em>Times</em>;
+but no publicity has been given to them, until Mr. S. had
+completely tested their efficacy. He has now much pleasure in
+subjoining, for the information of the public, the following
+letter, of the authenticity of which Mr. S. presumes no one can
+entertain a doubt.</p>
+<h4>LETTER FROM THE EDITOR OF THE &ldquo;TIMES.&rdquo;</h4>
+<p>It is with much pleasure that I am enabled, my dear Solomons, to
+give my humble testimony in favour of your new political glasses
+and ear-trumpet. By their invaluable aid I have been enabled, for
+some years, to see and hear just what suited my purpose. I have
+recommended them to my <em>prot&eacute;g&eacute;</em>, Sir Robert
+Peel, who has already tried the glasses, and, I am happy to state,
+does not see quite so many objections to a fixed duty as he did
+before using these wonderful illuminators. The gallant Sibthorp (at
+my recommendation) carried one of your ear-trumpets to the House on
+Friday last, and states that he heard his honoured leader declare,
+&ldquo;that the Colonel was the only man who ought to be
+Premier&mdash;after himself.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>If these testimonies are of any value to you, publish them by
+all means, and believe me.</p>
+<p class="rgt">Yours faithfully,<br />
+JOHN WALTER.<br />
+<em>Printing House Square.</em></p>
+<p>Mr. S. begs to state, that though magnifying and diminishing
+glasses are no novelty, yet his invention is the only one to suit
+the interest of parties without principle.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>CON. BY THEODORE HOOK.</h3>
+<p>&ldquo;What sentimental character does the re-elected Speaker
+remind you of?&rdquo;&mdash;Ans. by Croker: &ldquo;P<em>(shaw!)
+Lefevre</em>, to be sure.&rdquo;</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>A CRUEL DISAPPOINTMENT.</h3>
+<p>We regret to state that the second ball at the Boulogne
+<em>f&ecirc;te</em> was simply remarkable from &ldquo;its having
+gone off without any disturbance.&rdquo; Where <em>were</em> the
+national guards?</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>UNSATISFACTORY CONDITION OF FOREIGN BEEF&mdash;(CAUTION TO
+GOURMANDS).</h3>
+<p>A corresponedent of the <em>Times</em> forwards the alarming
+intelligence that at the Boulogne Races the <em>stakes</em> never
+<em>fill</em>! Sibthorp, the gifted Sib, ever happy at expedients,
+ingeniously recommends a <em>trial</em> of the <em>chops</em>.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>A TRIFLE FROM LITTLE TOMMY.</h3>
+<h4>TO AN ELDERLY BEAUTY.</h4>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>&ldquo;Ah! Julia, time all tilings destroys,</p>
+<p class="i2">The heart, the blood, the pen;</p>
+<p>But come, I&rsquo;ll re-enact young joy</p>
+<p class="i2">And be myself again.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>&ldquo;Yet stay, sweet Julia, how is this</p>
+<p class="i2">Thine are not lips at all;</p>
+<p>Your face is <em>plastered</em>, and you kiss,</p>
+<p class="i2">Like Thisbe&mdash;<em>through a wall</em>.&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="full" />
+<h2>PROSPECTUS FOR A PROVIDENT ANNUITY COMPANY.</h2>
+<ol>
+<li>
+<p>The capital of this Company is to consist of &pound;0,000,001;
+one-half of it to be vested in Aldgate Pump, and the other moiety
+in the Dogger Bank.</p>
+</li>
+<li>
+<p>Shares, at &pound;50 each, will be issued to any amount; and
+interest paid thereon when convenient.</p>
+</li>
+<li>
+<p>A board, consisting of twelve directors, will be formed; but, to
+save trouble, the management of the Company&rsquo;s affairs will be
+placed in the hands of the secretary.</p>
+</li>
+<li>
+<p>The duties of trustees, auditor, and treasurer, will also be
+discharged by the secretary.</p>
+</li>
+<li>
+<p>Each shareholder will he presented with a gratuitous copy of the
+Company&rsquo;s regulations, printed on fine foolscap.</p>
+</li>
+<li>
+<p>Individuals purchasing annuities of this company, will be
+allowed a large-rate of interest on paper for their money,
+calculated on an entirely novel sliding-scale. Annuitants will be
+entitled to receive their annuities whenever they can get them.</p>
+</li>
+<li>
+<p>The Company&rsquo;s office will be open at all hours for the
+receipt of money; but it is not yet determined at what time the
+paying branch of the department will come into operation.</p>
+</li>
+<li>
+<p>The secretary will be allowed the small salary of &pound;10,000
+a-year.</p>
+</li>
+<li>
+<p>In order to simplify the accounts, there will be no books kept.
+By this arrangement, a large saving will be effected in the article
+of clerks, &amp;c.</p>
+</li>
+<li>
+<p>The annual profits of the company will be fixed at 20 per cent.,
+but it is expected that there will be no inquiry made after
+dividends.</p>
+</li>
+<li>
+<p>All monies received for and by the company, to be deposited in
+the breeches-pocket of the secretary, and not to be withdrawn from
+thence without his special sanction.</p>
+</li>
+<li>
+<p>The establishment to consist of a secretary and porter.</p>
+</li>
+<li>
+<p>The porter is empowered to act as secretary in the absence of
+that officer; and the secretary is permitted to assist the porter
+in the arduous duties of his situation.</p>
+</li>
+</ol>
+<p>*&lowast;* Applications for shares or annuities to be made to
+the secretary of the Provident Annuity Company, No. 1, Thieves
+Inn.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>AWFUL ACCIDENT.</h3>
+<p>Our reporter has just forwarded an authentic statement, in which
+he vouches, with every appearance of truth, that &ldquo;Lord
+Melbourne dined at home on Wednesday last.&rdquo; The neighbourhood
+is in an agonising state of excitement.</p>
+<h4>FURTHER PARTICULARS.</h4>
+<h5>(<em>Particularly exclusive</em>.)</h5>
+<p>Our readers will be horrified to learn the above is not the
+whole extent of this alarming event. From a private source of the
+highest possible credit, we are informed that his &ldquo;Lordship
+also took tea.&rdquo;</p>
+<h4>FURTHEST PARTICULARS.</h4>
+<p>Great Heavens! when will our painful duties end? We tremble as
+we write,&mdash;may we be deceived!&mdash;but we are compelled to
+announce the agonising fact&mdash;&ldquo;he also supped!&rdquo;</p>
+<h4>BY EXPRESS.</h4>
+<h5>(<em>From our own reporter on the spot</em>!)</h5>
+<p>DEAR SIR,&mdash;&ldquo;The dinner is fatally true! but, I am
+happy to state, there are doubts about the tea, and you may almost
+wholly contradict the supper.&rdquo;</p>
+<h4>SECOND EXPRESS.</h4>
+<p>&ldquo;I have only time to say, things are not so bad! The tea
+is disproved, and the supper was a gross exaggeration.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;N.B. My horse is dead!&rdquo;</p>
+<h4>THIRD EXPRESS.</h4>
+<p>Hurrah! Glorious news! There is no truth in the above fearful
+rumour; it is false from beginning to end, and, doubtless, had its
+vile origin from some of the &ldquo;adverse faction,&rdquo; as it
+is clearly of such a nature as to convulse the country. To what
+meanness will not these Tories stoop, for the furtherance of their
+barefaced schemes of oppression and pillage! The facts they have so
+grossly distorted with their tortuous ingenuity and demoniac
+intentions, are simply these:&mdash;A saveloy was ordered by one of
+the upper servants (who is on board wages, and finds his own
+kitchen fire), the boy entrusted with its delivery mistook the
+footman for his lordship. This is very unlikely, as the man is
+willing to make an affidavit he had &ldquo;just cleaned
+himself,&rdquo; and therefore, it is clear the boy must have been a
+paid emissary. But the public will be delighted to learn, to
+prevent the possibility of future mistakes&mdash;&ldquo;John&rdquo;
+has been denuded of his whiskers&mdash;the only features which, on
+a careful examination, presented the slightest resemblance to his
+noble master. In fact, otherwise the fellow is remarkably
+good-looking.</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page82" name="page82"></a>[pg
+82]</span>
+<h2>HINTS TO NEW MEMBERS.</h2>
+<h3>BY AN OLD TRIMMER.</h3>
+<p>It being now an established axiom that every member goes into
+Parliament for the sole purpose of advancing his own private
+interest, and not, as has been ignorantly believed, for the benefit
+of his country or the constituency he represents, it becomes a
+matter of vast importance to those individuals who have not had the
+advantage of long experience in the house, to be informed of the
+mode usually adopted by honourable members in the discharge of
+their legislative duties. With this view the writer, who has, for
+the last thirty years, done business on both sides of the house,
+and always with the strictest regard to the main chance, has
+collected a number of hints for the guidance of juvenile members,
+of which the following are offered as a sample:&mdash;</p>
+<p>HINT 1.&mdash;It is a vulgar error to imagine that a man, to be
+a member of Parliament, requires either education, talents, or
+honesty: all that it is necessary for him to possess
+is&mdash;impudence and humbug!</p>
+<p>HINT 2.&mdash;When a candidate addresses a constituency, he
+should promise everything. Some men will only pledge themselves to
+what their conscience considers right. Fools of this sort can never
+hope to be</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/007-06.png"><img src=
+"images/007-06.png" alt=
+"A man gets kicked out of a door by many feet." id="img007-06"
+name="img007-06" width="50%" /></a>
+<p>RETURNED BY A LARGE MAJORITY.</p>
+</div>
+<p>HINT 3.&mdash;Oratory is a showy, but by no means necessary,
+accomplishment in the house. If a member knows when to say
+&ldquo;Ay&rdquo; or &ldquo;No,&rdquo; it is quite sufficient for
+all useful purposes.</p>
+<p>HINT 4.&mdash;If, however, a young member should be seized with,
+the desire of speaking in Parliament, he may do so without the
+slighest regard to sense, as the reporters in the gallery are paid
+for the purpose of making speeches for honourable members; and on
+the following morning he may calculate on seeing, in the columns of
+the daily papers, a full report of his splendid</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/007-07.png"><img src=
+"images/007-07.png" alt=
+"A young woman tells her swain 'I'll ask my Ma!'" id="img007-07"
+name="img007-07" width="50%" /></a>
+<p>MAIDEN SPEECH.</p>
+</div>
+<p>HINT 5.&mdash;A knowledge of the exact time to cry &ldquo;Hear,
+hear!&rdquo; is absolutely necessary. A severe cough, when a member
+of the opposite side of the house is speaking, is greatly to be
+commended; cock-crowing is also a desirable qualification for a
+young legislator, and, if judiciously practised, cannot fail to
+bring the possessor into the notice of his party.</p>
+<p>HINT 6.&mdash;The back seats in the gallery are considered, by
+several members, as the most comfortable for taking a nap on.</p>
+<p>HINT 7.&mdash;If one honourable member wishes to tell another
+honourable member that he is anything but a gentleman, he should be
+particular to do so within the walls of the house&mdash;as, in that
+case, the Speaker will put him under arrest, to prevent any
+unpleasant consequences arising from his hasty expressions.</p>
+<p>HINT 8.&mdash;If a member promise to give his vote to the
+minister, he must in honour do so&mdash;unless he happen to fall
+asleep in the smoking-room, and so gets shut out from the division
+of the house.</p>
+<p>HINT 9.&mdash;No independent member need trouble himself to
+understand the merits of any question before the house. He may,
+therefore, amuse himself at Bellamy&rsquo;s until five minutes
+before the Speaker&rsquo;s bell rings for a division.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>RATHER SUICIDAL.</h3>
+<p>&ldquo;The health of the Earl of Winchilsea and the Conservative
+members of the House of Peers,&rdquo; was followed, amid intense
+cheering, with the glee of</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>&ldquo;Swearing death to traitor
+slaves!&rdquo;&mdash;<em>Times</em>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>NOVEL EXPERIMENT.&mdash;GREAT SCREW.</h3>
+<p>Several scientific engineers have formed themselves into a
+company, and are about applying for an Act of Parliament to enable
+them to take a lease of Joe Hume, for the purpose of opposing the
+Archimedean Screw. Public feeling is already in favour of the
+&ldquo;Humedean,&rdquo; and the &ldquo;Joe&rdquo; shares are rising
+rapidly.</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<h2>PUNCH&rsquo;S INFORMATION FOR THE PEOPLE.&mdash;NO. 3.</h2>
+<p>One of the expedients adopted by the cheap-knowledge-mongers to
+convey so-called &ldquo;information&rdquo; to the vulgar, has been,
+we flatter ourselves, successfully imitated in our articles on the
+Stars and the Thermometer. They are by writers engaged expressly
+for the respective subjects, because they will work cheaply and
+know but little of what they are writing about, and therefore make
+themselves the better understood by the equally ignorant. We do
+hope that they have not proved themselves behindhand in popular
+humbug and positive error, and that the blunders in &ldquo;the
+Thermometer&rdquo;<sup>3</sup><span class="sidenote">3. One of
+these blunders the author must not be commended for; it is
+attributable to a facetious mistake of the printer. In giving the
+etymology of the Thermometer, it should have been &ldquo;measure of
+<em>heat</em>,&rdquo; and not &ldquo;measure of
+<em>feet</em>.&rdquo; We scorn to deprive our devil of a joke so
+worthy of him.</span> are equally as amusing as those of the then
+big-wig who wrote the treatise on &ldquo;Animal Mechanics,&rdquo;
+published by our rival Society for Diffusing Useful Knowledge.</p>
+<p>Another of their methods for obtaining cheap knowledge it is now
+our intention to adopt. Having got the poorest and least learned
+authors we could find (of course for cheapness) for our former
+pieces of information, we have this time engaged a gentleman to
+mystify a few common-place subjects, in the style of certain
+articles in the &ldquo;Penny Cyclop&aelig;dia.&rdquo; As his
+erudition is too profound for ordinary comprehensions&mdash;as he
+scorns gain&mdash;as the books he has hitherto published (no,
+privated) have been printed at his own expense, for the greater
+convenience of reading them himself, for nobody else does
+so&mdash;as, in short, he is in reality a cheap-knowledge man,
+seeing that he scorns pay, and we scorn to pay him&mdash;we have
+concluded an engagement with him for fourteen years.</p>
+<p>The subject on which we have directed him to employ his vast
+scientific acquirements, is one which must come home to the
+firesides of the married and the bosoms of the single, namely, the
+art of raising a flame; in humble imitation of some of
+Young&rsquo;s Knights&rsquo; Thoughts, which are directed to the
+object of lightening the darkness of servants, labourers, artisans,
+and chimney-sweeps, and in providing guides to the trades or
+services of which they are already masters or mistresses. We beg to
+present our readers with</p>
+<h3>PUNCH&rsquo;S GUIDE TO SERVICE;</h3>
+<h5>OR,</h5>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/007-08.png"><img src=
+"images/007-08.png" alt="A maid kisses a man through a fence." id=
+"img007-08" name="img007-08" width="50%" /></a>
+<h3>THE HOUSEMAID&rsquo;S BEST FRIEND.</h3>
+</div>
+<h3>CHAPTER 1.</h3>
+<h4>ON THE PROCESS AND RATIONALE OF LIGHTING FIRES.</h4>
+<p>Take a small cylindrical aggregation of parallelopedal sections
+of the ligneous fibre (vulgarly denominated a bundle of fire-wood),
+and arrange a fractional part of the integral quantity
+rectilineally along the interior of the igneous receptacle known as
+a grate, so as to form an acute angle (of, say 25&deg;) with its
+base; and one (of, say 65&deg;) with the posterior plane that is
+perpendicular to it; taking care at the same time to leave between
+each parallelopedal section an insterstice isometrical with the
+smaller sides of any one of their six quadrilateral superficies, so
+as to admit of the free circulation of the atmospheric fluid.
+Superimposed upon this, arrange several moderate-sized concretions
+of the hydro-carburetted substance (<em>vulgo</em> coal),
+approximating in figure as nearly as possible to the rhombic
+dodecahedron, so that the solid angles of each concretion may
+constitute the different points of contact with those immediately
+adjacent. Insert into the cavity formed by the imposition of the
+ligneous fibre upon the inferior transverse ferruginous bar, a
+sheet of laminated lignin, or paper, compressed by the action of
+the digits into an irregular spheroid.</p>
+<p>These preliminary operations having been skilfully performed,
+the process of combustion may be commenced. For this purpose, a
+smaller woody paralleloped&mdash;the extremities of which have been
+previously dipped in sulphur in a state of liquefaction&mdash;must
+be ignited and applied to the laminated lignin, or waste paper, and
+so elevate its temperature to a degree required for its combustion,
+which will be communicated to the ligneous superstructure; this
+again raises the temperature of the hydro-carburet concretion, and
+liberates its carburetted hydrogen in the form of gas; which gas,
+combining with the oxygen of the atmosphere, enters into
+combustion, and a general ignition ensues. This, in point of fact,
+constitutes what is popularly termed&mdash;&ldquo;lighting a
+fire.&rdquo;</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>AN IMMINENT BREACH.</h3>
+<p>In an action lately tried at the Cork Assizes, a lady obtained
+<em>fifteen hundred pounds damages</em>, for a breach of promise of
+marriage, against a faithless lover. Lady Morgan sends us the
+following trifle on the subject:&mdash;</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>What! <em>fifteen hundred!</em>&mdash;&rsquo;tis a sum
+severe;</p>
+<p class="i2">The fine by far the injury o&rsquo;erreaches.</p>
+<p>For <em>one</em> poor <em>breach</em> of promise &rsquo;tis too
+dear&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">&rsquo;Twould be sufficient for a <em>pair of
+breaches</em>!</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page83" name="page83"></a>[pg
+83]</span>
+<h2>SCHOOL OF DESIGN.</h2>
+<p>Several designing individuals, whose talents for
+<em>drawing</em> on paper are much greater than those of Charles
+Kean for drawing upon the stage, met together at Somerset House, on
+Monday last, to distribute prizes among their scholars. Prince
+Albert presided, gave away the prizes with great suavity, and made
+a speech which occupied exactly two seconds and a-half.</p>
+<p>The first prize was awarded to Master Palmerston, for a
+successful <em>design</em> for completely frustrating certain
+commercial <em>views</em> upon China, and for his new invention of
+<em>auto-painting</em>. Prize: an order upon Truefit for a new
+wig.</p>
+<p>Master John Russell was next called up.&mdash;This talented
+young gentleman had designed a gigantic &ldquo;penny loaf;&rdquo;
+which, although too immense for practical use, yet, his efforts
+having been exclusively directed to fanciful design, and not to
+practical possibility, was highly applauded. Master Russell also
+evinced a highly precocious talent for <em>drawing</em>&mdash;his
+salary. Prize: a splendidly-bound copy of the New Marriage Act.</p>
+<p>The fortunate candidate next upon the list, was Master Normanby.
+This young gentleman brought forward a beautiful design for a new
+prison, so contrived for criminals to be excluded from light and
+society, in any degree proportionate with their crimes. This young
+gentleman was brought up in Ireland, but there evinced considerable
+talent in <em>drawing</em> prisoners out of durance vile. He was
+much complimented on the salutary effect upon his studies, which
+his pupilage at the school of design had wrought. Prize: an order
+from Colburn for a new novel.</p>
+<p>Master Melbourne, who was next called up, seemed a remarkably
+fine boy of his age, though a little too old for his short jacket.
+He had signalised himself by an exceedingly elaborate
+<em>design</em> for the Treasury benches. This elicited the utmost
+applause; for, by this plan, the seats were so ingeniously
+contrived, that, once occupied, it would be a matter of extreme
+difficulty for the sitter to be <em>absquatulated</em>, even by
+main force. Prize: a free ticket to the licensed victuallers&rsquo;
+dinner.</p>
+<p>The Prince then withdrew, amidst the acclamations of the
+assembled multitude.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>A HINT TO THE NEW LORD CHAMBERLAIN.</h3>
+<p>There is always much difference of opinion existing as to the
+number of theatres which ought to be licensed in the metropolis.
+Our friend Peter Borthwick, whose mathematical acquirements are
+only equalled by his &ldquo;<em>heavy fathers</em>,&rdquo; has
+suggested the following formula whereby to arrive at a just
+conclusion:&mdash;Take the number of theatres, multiply by the
+public-houses, and divide by the dissenting chapels, and the
+quotient will be the answer. This is what Peter calls</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/007-09.png"><img src=
+"images/007-09.png" alt=
+"A man stands at a crossroads marked 'Fixed Duty' and 'Sliding Scale'"
+id="img007-09" name="img007-09" width="50%" /></a>
+<p>COMING TO A DIVISION.</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>VOCAL EVASION.</h3>
+<p>LADY B&mdash;&mdash; (who, it is rumoured, has an eye to the
+bedchamber) was interrogating Sir Robert Peel a little closer than
+the wily minister <em>in futuro</em> approved of. After several
+very evasive answers, which had no effect on the lady&rsquo;s
+pertinacity, Sir Robert made her a graceful bow, and retired,
+humming the favourite air of&mdash;</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/007-10.png"><img src=
+"images/007-10.png" alt="An artist is unhappy with a portrait." id=
+"img007-10" name="img007-10" width="70%" /></a>
+<p>&ldquo;OH! I CANNOT GIVE EXPRESSION.&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>A PUN FROM THE ROW.</h3>
+<p>It is asserted that a certain eminent medical man lately offered
+to a publisher in Paternoster-row a &ldquo;Treatise on the
+Hand,&rdquo; which the worthy bibliopole declined with a shake of
+the head, saying, &ldquo;My dear sir, we have got too many
+<em>treatises on our hands</em> already.&rdquo;</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>PLEASURES OF HOPE (RATHER EXPENSIVE).</h3>
+<p>The <em>Commerce</em> states &ldquo;the cost of the mansion now
+building for Mr. Hope, in the Rue St. Dominique, including
+furniture and objects of art, is estimated at six hundred thousand
+pounds!&rdquo;&mdash;[If this is an attribute of <em>Hope</em>,
+what is reality?&mdash;ED. PUNCH.]</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>FASHIONS FOR THE MONTH.</h3>
+<p>We perceive that the severity of the summer has prevented the
+entire banishment of furs in the fashionable <em>quartiers</em> of
+the metropolis. We noticed three fur caps, on Sunday last, in Seven
+Dials. Beavers are, however, superseded by gossamers; the crowns of
+which are, among the &eacute;lite of St. Giles&rsquo;s, jauntily
+opened to admit of ventilation, in anticipation of the warm
+weather. Frieze coats are fast giving way to pea-jackets;
+waistcoats, it is anticipated, will soon be discarded, and brass
+buttons are completely out of vogue.</p>
+<p>We have not noticed so many highlows as Bluchers upon the
+understandings of the promenaders of Broad-street. Ancle-jacks are,
+we perceive, universally adopted at the elegant <em>soir&eacute;es
+dansantes</em>, nightly held at the &ldquo;Frog and Fiddle,&rdquo;
+in Pye-street, Westminster.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>ARTISTIC EXECUTION.</h3>
+<p>We understand that Sir M.A. Shee is engaged in painting the
+portraits of Sir Willoughhy Woolston Dixie and Mr. John Bell, the
+lately-elected member for Thirsk, which are intended for the
+exhibition at the Royal Academy. If Folliot Duff&rsquo;s account of
+their dastardly conduct in the Waldegrave affair be correct, we
+cannot <em>imagine</em> two gentlemen more worthy the labours of
+the</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/007-11.png"><img src=
+"images/007-11.png" alt="Three judges at the bench." id="img007-11"
+name="img007-11" width="50%" /></a>
+<p>HANGING COMMITTEE.</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>NEW PARLIAMENTARY RETURNS.</h3>
+<p>We have been informed, on authority upon which we have reason to
+place much reliance, that several distinguished members of the
+upper and lower houses of Parliament intend moving for the
+following important returns early in the present
+session:&mdash;</p>
+<h4>IN THE LORDS.</h4>
+<p>Lord Palmerston will move for a return of all the
+<em>papillote</em> papers contained in the red box at the Foreign
+Office.</p>
+<p>The Duke of Wellington will move for a return of the Tory
+taxes.</p>
+<p>The Marquis of Downshire will move for a return of his political
+honesty.</p>
+<p>Lord Melbourne will move for a return of place and power.</p>
+<p>The Marquis of Westmeath will move for a return of the days when
+he was young.</p>
+<p>The Marquis Wellesley will move for a return of the pap-spoons
+manufactured in England for the last three years.</p>
+<h4>IN THE COMMONS.</h4>
+<p>Sir Francis Burdett will move for a return of his popularity in
+Westminster.</p>
+<p>Lord John Russell will move that the return of the Tories to
+office is extremely inconvenient.</p>
+<p>Captain Rous will move for a return of the number of
+high-spirited Tories who were conveyed on stretchers to the
+different station-houses, on the night of the ever-to-be-remembered
+Drury-lane dinner.</p>
+<p>Sir E.L. Bulwer will move for a return of all the half-penny
+ballads published by Catnach and Co. during the last year.</p>
+<p>Morgan O&rsquo;Connell will move for a return of all the brogues
+worn by the bare-footed peasantry of Ireland.</p>
+<p>Colonel Sibthorp will move for a return of his wits.</p>
+<p>Peter Borthwick will move for a return of all the kettles
+convicted of singing on the Sabbath-day.</p>
+<p>Sir Robert Peel will move for a return of all the ladies of the
+palace&mdash;to the places from whence they came.</p>
+<p>Ben D&rsquo;Israeli will move for a return of all the hard words
+in Johnson&rsquo;s Dictionary.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>RATHER OMINOUS!</h3>
+<p>The <em>Sunday Times</em> states, that &ldquo;several of the
+<em>heads</em> of the Conservative party held a conference at
+<em>Whitehall</em> Gardens!&rdquo; <em>Heads</em> and
+<em>conferences</em> have been cut short enough at the same place
+ere now!</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>HEAVY LIGHTNESS.</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>A joke Col. Sibthorp to the journal sent&mdash;</p>
+<p>Appropriate heading&mdash;&rdquo;<em>Serious
+Accident</em>.&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>A MATTER OF COURSE.</h3>
+<p>The match at cricket, between the Chelsea and Greenwich
+Pensioners, was decided in favour of the latter. Captain Rous says,
+no great wonder, considering the winners bad the majority of
+<em>legs</em> on their side. The Hyllus affair has made him an
+authority.</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page84" name="page84"></a>[pg
+84]</span>
+<h2>THE DRAMA.</h2>
+<h3>THE ITALIAN OPERA.</h3>
+<h4>RETIREMENT OF RUBINI.</h4>
+<h5>(<em>Exclusive</em>.)</h5>
+<p class="note">N.B.&mdash;PUNCH is delighted to perceive, from the
+style of this critique, that, though anonymously sent, it is
+manifestly from the pen of the elegant critic of the <em>Morning
+Post</em>.</p>
+<div class="dropcap"><a href="images/007-12.png"><img src=
+"images/007-12.png" alt=
+"A couple at the opera, in an O-shaped frame." id="img007-12" name=
+"img007-12" width="100%" /></a></div>
+<p><span class="hide">O</span>n a review of the events of the past
+season, the <em>souvenirs</em> it presents are not calculated to
+elevate the character of the arts <em>di poeta</em> and <em>di
+musica</em>, of which the Italian Opera is composed. The only
+decided <em>nouveaut&eacute;s</em> which made their appearance,
+were &ldquo;Fausta,&rdquo; and &ldquo;Roberto Devereux,&rdquo; both
+of them <em>jejune</em> as far as regards their <em>libretto</em>
+and the <em>composita musicale</em>. The latter opera, however,
+serving as it did to introduce a pleasing <em>rifacciamento</em> of
+the lamented Malibran, in her talented sister Pauline (Madame
+Viardot), may, on that account, be remembered as a pleasing
+reminiscence of the past season.</p>
+<p>The evening of Saturday, Aug. 21st, will long be remembered by
+the <em>habitu&eacute;s</em> of the Opera. From exclusive sources
+(which have been opened to us at a very considerable expense) we
+are enabled to
+communicate&mdash;<em>malheureusement</em>&mdash;that with the
+close of the <em>saison de</em> 1841, the <em>corps
+op&eacute;ratique</em> loses one of its most brilliant ornaments.
+That memorable epocha was chosen by Rubini for making a graceful
+<em>cong&eacute;</em> to a fashionable audience, amidst an
+abundance of tears&mdash;shed in the choicest Italian&mdash;and
+showers of <em>bouquets</em>. The subjects chosen for
+representation were <em>apropos</em> in the extreme; all being of a
+<em>triste</em> character, namely, the <em>atta terzo</em> of
+&ldquo;Marino Faliero,&rdquo; the <em>finale</em> of &ldquo;Lucia
+di Lammermoor,&rdquo; and the last <em>parte</em> of &ldquo;La
+Sonnambula:&rdquo; these were the chosen vehicles for
+Rubini&rsquo;s <em>soir&eacute;e d&rsquo;adieu</em>.</p>
+<p>As this <em>tenor primissimo</em> has, in a professional
+<em>regarde</em>, disappeared from amongst us&mdash;as the last
+echoes of his <em>voix magnifique</em> have died away&mdash;as he
+has made a final exit from the public <em>plafond</em> to the
+<em>coulisses</em> of private life&mdash;we deem it due to future
+historians of the Italian Opera <em>de Londres</em>, to record our
+admiration, our opinions, and our <em>regrets</em> for this great
+<em>artiste</em>.</p>
+<p>Signor Rubini is in stature what might be denominated <em>juste
+milieu</em>; his <em>taille</em> is graceful, his <em>figure</em>
+pleasing, his eyes full of expression, his hair bushy: his
+<em>comport</em> upon the stage, when not excited by passion, is
+full of <em>verve</em> and <em>brusquerie</em>, but in passages
+which the <em>Maestro</em> has marked &ldquo;<em>con
+passione</em>&rdquo; nothing can exceed the elegance of his
+attitudes, and the pleasing dignity of his gestures. After, <em>par
+exemple</em>, the <em>recitativi</em>, what a pretty
+<em>empressement</em> he gave (alas! that we must now speak in the
+past tense!) to the <em>tonic</em> or <em>key-note</em>, by
+<em>locking</em> his arms in each other over his
+<em>poitrine</em>&mdash;by that after expansion of them&mdash;that
+clever <em>alto</em> movement of the toes&mdash;that apparent
+embracing of the <em>fumes des lampes</em>&mdash;how touching!
+Then, while the <em>sinfonia</em> of the <em>andante</em> was in
+progress, how gracefully he turned <em>son dos</em> to the
+delighted auditors, and made an interesting <em>promenade au
+fond</em>, always contriving to get his finely-arched nose over the
+<em>lumi&egrave;res</em> at the precise point of time (we speak in
+a musical sense) where the word &ldquo;<em>voce</em>&rdquo; is
+marked in the score. His pantomime to the <em>allegri</em> was no
+less captivating; but it was in the <em>stretta</em> that his
+beauty of action was most exquisitely apparent; there, worked up by
+an elaborate <em>crescendo</em> (the <em>motivo</em> of which is
+always, in the Italian school, a simple progression of the diatonic
+scale), the <em>furor</em> with which this <em>cantratice</em>
+hurried his hands into the thick clumps of his picturesque
+<em>perruque</em>, and seemed to tear its <em>cheveux</em> out by
+the roots (without, however, disturbing the celebrated side-parting
+a single hair)&mdash;the vigour with which he beat his
+breast&mdash;his final expansion of arms, elevation of toes, and
+the impressive <em>frappe</em> of his right foot upon the stage
+immediately before disappearing behind the
+<em>coulisses</em>&mdash;must be fresh in the <em>souvenir</em> of
+our <em>dilettanti</em> readers.</p>
+<p>But how shall we <em>parle</em> concerning his <em>voix</em>?
+That exquisite organ, whose <em>falsetto</em> emulated the
+sweetness of flutes, and reached to A flat <em>in
+altissimo</em>&mdash;the <em>voce media</em> of which possessed an
+unequalled <em>aplomb</em>, whose deep double G must still find a
+well-in-tune echo in the <em>tympanum</em> of every
+<em>amateur</em> of taste. <em>That</em>, we must confess, as
+critics and theoretical musicians, causes us considerable
+<em>embarras</em> for words to describe. Who that heard it on
+Saturday last, has yet recovered the ravishing sensation produced
+by the thrilling tremour with which Rubini <em>gave</em> the
+<em>Notte d&rsquo;Orrore</em>, in Rossini&rsquo;s &ldquo;Marino
+Faliero?&rdquo; Who can forget the <em>recitativo con andante et
+allegro</em>, in the last scene of &ldquo;La Sonnambula;&rdquo; or
+the burst of anguish <em>con expressivissimo</em>, when accused of
+treason, while personating his favourite <em>r&ocirc;le</em> in
+&ldquo;Lucia di Lammermoor?&rdquo; Ah! those who suffered
+themselves to be detained from the opera on Saturday last by mere
+illness, or other light causes, will, to translate a forcible
+expression in the &ldquo;Inferno&rdquo; of Dante, &ldquo;go down
+with sorrow to the grave.&rdquo; To them we say, Rubini <em>est
+parti</em>&mdash;gone!&mdash;he has sent forth his last
+<em>ut</em>&mdash;concluded his last <em>re</em>&mdash;his ultimate
+note has sounded&mdash;his last <em>billet de banque</em> is
+pocketed&mdash;he has, to use an emphatic and heart-stirring
+<em>mot</em>, &ldquo;<em>coup&eacute; son
+b&acirc;ton!</em>&rdquo;</p>
+<p>It is due to the <em>sentimens</em> of the audience of Saturday,
+to notice the evident regret with which they received
+Rubini&rsquo;s <em>adieux</em>; for, towards the close of the
+evening, the secret became known. Animated <em>conversazioni</em>
+resounded from almost every box during many of his most charming
+<em>piano</em> passages (and never will his <em>sotto-voce</em> be
+equalled)&mdash;the <em>beaux esprits</em> of the pit discussed his
+merits with audible <em>go&ucirc;t</em>; while the gallery and
+upper stalls remained in mute grief at the consciousness of that
+being the <em>derni&egrave;re fois</em> they would ever be able to
+hear the sublime <em>voce-di-testa</em> of Italy&rsquo;s prince of
+<em>tenori</em>.</p>
+<p>Although this retirement will make the present
+<em>cl&ocirc;ture</em> of the opera one of the most memorable
+<em>&eacute;v&eacute;nemens</em> in <em>les annales de
+l&rsquo;op&eacute;ra</em>, yet some remarks are demanded of us upon
+the other <em>artistes</em>. In &ldquo;Marino Faliero,&rdquo;
+Lablache came the <em>Dodge</em> with remarkable success. Madlle.
+Loewe, far from deserving her <em>bas nom</em>, was the height of
+perfection, and gave her celebrated <em>scena</em> in the
+last-named opera <em>avec une force superbe</em>. Persiani looked
+remarkably well, and wore a most becoming <em>robe</em> in the
+<em>r&ocirc;le</em> of Amina.</p>
+<p>Of the <em>danseuses</em> we have hardly space to speak. Cerito
+exhibited the &ldquo;poetry of motion&rdquo; with her usual skill,
+particularly in a difficult <em>pas</em> with Albert. The ballet
+was &ldquo;Le Diable Amoureux,&rdquo; and the stage was watered
+between each act.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>THE GREAT UNACTABLES.</h3>
+<p>It seems that the English Opera-house has been taken for
+<em>twelve nights</em>, to give &ldquo;<em>a free stage and fair
+play</em>&rdquo; to &ldquo;EVERY ENGLISH LIVING DRAMATIST.&rdquo;
+Considering that the Council of the Dramatic Authors&rsquo; Theatre
+comprises at least half-a-dozen Shakspeares in their own conceit,
+to say nothing of one or two <em>Rowes</em> (soft ones of course),
+a sprinkling of Otways, with here and there a Massinger, we may
+calculate pretty correctly how far the stage they have taken
+possession of is likely to be <em>free</em>, or the <em>play</em>
+to be <em>fair</em> towards <em>Every English living
+Dramatist</em>.</p>
+<p>It appears that a small knot of very great geniuses have been,
+for some time past, regularly sending certain bundles of paper,
+called Dramas, round to the different metropolitan theatres, and as
+regularly receiving them back again. Some of these geniuses, goaded
+to madness by this unceremonious treatment, have been guilty of the
+insanity of printing their plays; and, though the &ldquo;Rejected
+Addresses&rdquo; were a very good squib, the rejected Dramas are
+much too ponderous a joke for the public to take; so that, while in
+their manuscript form, they always produced speedy <em>returns</em>
+from the managers, they, in their printed shape, caused no
+<em>returns</em> to the publishers. It is true, that a personal
+acquaintance of some of the authors with Nokes of the <em>North
+Eastern Independent</em>, or some other equally-influential country
+print, may have gained for them, now and then, an egregious puff,
+wherein the writers are said to be equal to Go&euml;the, a cut
+above Sheridan Knowles, and the only successors of Shakspeare; but
+we suspect that &ldquo;the mantle of the Elizabethan poets,&rdquo;
+which is said to have descended on one of these gentry, would, if
+inspected, turn out to be something more like Fitzball&rsquo;s
+Tagiioni or Dibdin Pitt&rsquo;s Macintosh.</p>
+<p>No one can suspect PUNCH of any <em>prestige</em> in favour of
+the restrictions laid upon the drama&mdash;for our own
+free-and-easy habit of erecting our theatre in the first convenient
+street we come to, and going through our performance without caring
+a rush for the Lord Chamberlain or the Middlesex magistrates, must
+convince all who know us, that we are for a thoroughly free trade
+in theatricals; but, nevertheless, we think the <em>Great
+Unactables</em> talk egregious nonsense when they prate about the
+possibility of their efforts working &ldquo;a beneficial alteration
+in a law which presses so fatally on dramatic genius.&rdquo; We
+think their tom-foolery more likely to induce restrictions that may
+prevent others from exposing their mental imbecility, than to
+encourage the authorities to relax the laws that might hinder them
+from doing so. The boasted compliance with legal requisites in the
+mode of preparing &ldquo;Martinuzzi&rdquo; for the stage is not a
+new idea, and we only hope it may be carried out one-half as well
+as in the instances of &ldquo;Romeo and Juliet as the Law
+directs,&rdquo; and &ldquo;Othello according to Act of
+Parliament.&rdquo; There is a vaster amount of humbug in the
+play-bill of this new concern, than in all the open puffs that have
+been issued for many years past from all the regular
+establishments. The tirade against the <em>law</em>&mdash;the
+announcement of alterations in conformity with <em>the
+law</em>&mdash;the hint that the musical introductions are such as
+&ldquo;<em>the law</em> may require&rdquo;&mdash;mean nothing more
+than this&mdash;&ldquo;if the piece is damned, it&rsquo;s <em>the
+law</em>; if it succeeds, it&rsquo;s the <em>author&rsquo;s
+genius!</em>&rdquo; Now, every one who has written for the
+illegitimate stage, and therefore PUNCH in particular, knows very
+well that the necessity for the introduction of music into a piece
+played at one of the smaller theatres is only nominal&mdash;that
+four pieces of verse are interspersed in the copy sent to the
+licenser, but these are such matters of utter course, that their
+invention or selection is generally left to the prompter&rsquo;s
+genius. The piece is, unless essentially musical, licensed with the
+songs and acted without&mdash;or, at least, there is no necessity
+whatever for retaining them. Why, therefore, should Mr. Stephens
+drag &ldquo;solos, duets, choruses, and other musical
+arrangements,&rdquo; into his drama, unless it is that he thinks
+they will give it a better chance of success? while, in the event
+of failure, he reserves the right of turning round upon the
+<em>law</em> and the <em>music</em>, which he will declare were the
+means of damning it.</p>
+<p>A set of briefless barristers&mdash;all would-be Erskines,
+Thurlows, or Eldons, at the least&mdash;might as well complain of
+the system that excludes them from the Woolsack, and take a
+building to turn it into a Court of Chancery on their own account,
+as that these luckless scribblers, all fancying the Elizabethan
+mantle has fallen flop upon their backs, should set themselves up
+for Shakspeares on their own account, and seize on a metropolitan
+theatre as a temple for the enshrinement of their genius.</p>
+<p>If PUNCH has dealt hardly with these gentlemen, it is because he
+will bear &ldquo;no brother near the throne&rdquo; of humbug and
+quackery. Like a steward who tricks his master, but keeps the rest
+of the servants honest, PUNCH will gammon the public to the utmost
+of his skill, but he will take care that no one else shall exercise
+a trade of which he claims by prescription the entire monopoly.</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+1, August 28, 1841, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+***** This file should be named 14925-h.htm or 14925-h.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
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+</pre>
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+</body>
+</html>
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1,
+August 28, 1841, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, August 28, 1841
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14925]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG
+Online Distributed Proofreading
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 1.
+
+
+
+FOR THE WEEK ENDING AUGUST 28, 1841.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE HEIR OF APPLEBITE.
+
+
+CHAPTER I.
+
+INTRODUCES THE READER TO THE APPLEBITE FAMILY AND TO AGAMEMNON
+COLLUMPSION APPLEBITE IN PARTICULAR.
+
+
+[Illustration: T]The following is extracted from the _Parliamentary
+Guide_ for 18--:--"APPLEBITE, ISAAC (_Puddingbury_). Born March 25,
+1780; descended from his grandfather, and has issue." And upon
+reference to a monument in Puddingbury church, representing the first
+Mrs. Applebite (who was a housemaid) industriously scrubbing a large
+tea-urn, whilst another figure (supposed to be the second Mrs.
+Applebite) is pointing reproachfully to a little fat cherub who is
+blowing himself into a fit of apoplexy from some unassignable cause or
+another--I say upon reference to this monument, upon which is blazoned
+forth all the stock virtues of those who employ stonemasons, I find,
+that in July, 18--, the said Isaac was gathered unto Abraham's bosom,
+leaving behind him--a seat in the House of Commons--a relict--the issue
+aforesaid, and L50,000 in the three per cents.
+
+The widow Applebite had so arranged matters with her husband, that
+two-thirds of the above sum were left wholly and solely to her, as some
+sort of consolation under her bereavement of the "best of husbands and
+the kindest of fathers." (_Vide_ monument.) Old Isaac must have been a
+treasure, for his wife either missed him so much, or felt so desirous
+to learn if there was another man in the world like him, that, as soon
+as the monument was completed and placed in Puddingbury chancel, she
+married a young officer in a dashing dragoon regiment, and started to
+the Continent to spend the honeymoon, leaving her son--
+
+AGAMEMNON COLLUMPSION APPLEBITE (the apoplectic "cherub" and the
+"issue" alluded to in the _Parliamentary Guide_), to the care of
+himself.
+
+A.C.A. was the pattern of what a young man ought to be. He had 16,000
+and odd pounds in the three per cents., hair that curled naturally,
+stood five feet nine inches without his shoes, always gave a shilling
+to a waiter, lived in a terrace, never stopped out all night (but
+once), and paid regularly every Monday morning. Agamemnon Collumpsion
+Applebite was a happy bachelor! The women were delighted to see him,
+and the men to dine with him: to the one he gave _bouquets_; to the
+other, cigars: in short, everybody considered A.C.A. as A1; and A.C.A.
+considered that A1 was his proper mark.
+
+It is somewhat singular, but no man knows when he _is_ really happy: he
+may fancy that he wants for nothing, and may even persuade himself that
+addition or subtraction would be certain to interfere with the
+perfectitude of his enjoyment. He deceives himself. If he wishes to
+assure himself of the exact state of his feelings, let him ask his
+friends; they are disinterested parties, and will find out some
+annoyance that has escaped his notice. It was thus with Agamemnon
+Collumpsion Applebite. He had made up his mind that he wanted for
+nothing, when it was suddenly found out by his friends that he was in a
+state of felicitous destitution. It was discovered simultaneously, by
+five mamas and eighteen daughters, that Agamemnon Collumpsion Applebite
+_must_ want a wife; and that his sixteen thousand and odd pounds must
+be a source of _undivided_ anxiety to him. Stimulated by the most
+praiseworthy considerations, a solemn compact was entered into by the
+aforesaid five mamas, on behalf of the aforesaid eighteen daughters, by
+which they were pledged to use every means to convince Agamemnon
+Collumpsion Applebite of his deplorable condition; but no unfair
+advantage was to be taken to ensure a preference for any particular one
+of the said eighteen daughters, but that the said Agamemnon Collumpsion
+Applebite should be left free to exercise his own discretion, so far as
+the said eighteen daughters were concerned, but should any other
+daughter, of whatever mama soever, indicate a wish to become a
+competitor, she was to be considered a common enemy, and scandalized
+accordingly.
+
+Agamemnon Collumpsion Applebite, about ten o'clock on the following
+evening, was seated on a sofa, between Mrs. Greatgirdle and Mrs.
+Waddledot (the two mamas deputed to open the campaign), each with a cup
+of very prime Mocha coffee, and a massive fiddle-pattern tea-spoon. On
+the opposite side of the room, in a corner, was a very large cage, in
+the sole occupancy of a solitary Java sparrow.
+
+"My poor bird looks very miserable," sighed Mrs. Greatgirdle, (the
+hostess upon this occasion.)
+
+"Very miserable!" echoed Mrs. Waddledot; and the truth of the remark
+was apparent to every one.
+
+The Java sparrow was moulting and suffering from a cutaneous disorder
+at the same time; so what with the falling off, and scratching off of
+his feathers, he looked in a most deplorable condition; which was
+rendered more apparent by the magnitude of his cage. He seemed like the
+_last_ debtor confined in the Queen's Bench.
+
+"He has never been himself since the death of his mate." (Here the bird
+scarified himself with great violence.) "He is so restless; and though
+he eats very well, and hops about, he seems to have lost all care of
+his person, as though he would put on mourning if he had it."
+
+"Is there no possibility of dyeing his feathers?" remarked Agamemnon
+Collumpsion, feeling the necessity of saying something.
+
+"It is not the inky cloak, Mr. Applebite," replied Mrs. Greatgirdle,
+"that truly indicates regret; but it's here," (laying her hand upon her
+left side): "no--there, under his liver wing, that he feels it, poor
+bird! It's a shocking thing to live alone."
+
+"And especially in such a large cage," said Mrs. Waddledot. "_Your
+house_ is rather large, Mr. Applebite?" inquired Mrs. Greatgirdle.
+
+"Rather, ma'am," replied Collumpsion.
+
+"Ain't you very lonely?" said Mrs. Waddledot and Mrs. Greatgirdle both
+in a breath.
+
+"Why, not--"
+
+"Very lively, you were going to say," interrupted Mrs. G.
+
+Now Mrs. G. was wrong in her conjecture of Collumpsion's reply. He was
+about to say, "Why, not at all;" but she, of course, knew best what he
+ought to have answered.
+
+"I often feel for you, Mr. Applebite," remarked Mrs. Waddledot; "and
+think how strange it is that you, who really are a nice young man--and
+I don't say so to flatter you--that you should have been so
+unsuccessful with the ladies."
+
+Collumpsion's vanity was awfully mortified at this idea.
+
+"It _is_ strange!" exclaimed Mrs. G "I wonder it don't make you
+miserable. There is no home, I mean the '_Sweet, sweet_ home,' without
+a wife. Try, try again, Mr. Applebite," (tapping his arm as she rose;)
+"faint heart never won fair lady."
+
+"I refused Mr. Waddledot three times, but I yielded at last; take
+courage from that, and 24, Pleasant Terrace, may shortly become that
+Elysium--a woman's home," whispered Mrs. W., as she rolled gracefully
+to a card-table; and accidentally, _of course_, cut the ace of spades,
+which she exhibited to Collumpsion with a very mysterious shake of the
+head.
+
+Agamemnon returned to 24, Pleasant Terrace, a discontented man. He felt
+that there was no one sitting up for him--nothing but a rush-light--the
+dog might bark as he entered, but no voice was there to welcome him,
+and with a heavy heart he ascended the two stone steps of his dwelling.
+
+He took out his latch-key, and was about to unlock the door, when a
+loud knocking was heard in the next street. Collumpsion paused, and
+then gave utterance to his feelings. "That's music--positively music.
+This is my house--there's my name on the brass-plate--that's my
+knocker, as I can prove by the bill and receipt; and, yet, here I am
+about to sneak in like a burglar. Old John sha'n't go to bed another
+night; I'll not indulge the lazy scoundrel any longer, Yet the poor old
+fellow nursed me when a child. I'll compromise the matter--I'll knock,
+and let myself in." So saying, Collumpsion thumped away at the door,
+looked around to see that he was unobserved, applied his latch-key, and
+slipped into his house just as old John, in a state of great alarm and
+undress, was descending the stairs with a candle and a boot-jack.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+AN ACUTE ANGLE.
+
+We read in the _Glasgow Courier_ of an enormous salmon hooked at Govan,
+which measured three feet, three inches in length. The _Morning Herald_
+mentions several gudgeons of twice the size, caught, we understand, by
+Alderman Humphery, and conveyed to Town per Blackwall Railway.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+IMPORTANT NEWS FROM CHINA.
+
+ARRIVAL OF THE OVERLAND MAIL!
+
+
+_August 28, 1841._
+
+We have received expresses from the Celestial Empire by our own private
+electro-galvanic communication. As this rapid means of transmission
+carries dispatches so fast that we generally get them even before they
+are written, we are enabled to be considerably in advance of the common
+daily journals; more especially as we have obtained news up to the end
+of next week.
+
+The most important paper which has come to hand is the _Macao Sunday
+Times_. It appears that the fortifications for surrounding Pekin are
+progressing rapidly, but that the government have determined upon
+building the ramparts of japanned canvas and bamboo rods, instead of
+pounded rice, which was thought almost too fragile to resist the
+attacks of the English barbarians. Some handsome guns, of blue and
+white porcelain, have been placed on the walls, with a proportionate
+number of carved ivory balls, elaborately cut one inside the other.
+These, it is presumed, will split upon firing, and produce incalculable
+mischief and confusion. Within the gates a frightful magazine of gilt
+crackers, and other fireworks, has been erected; which, in the event of
+the savages penetrating the fortifications, will be exploded one after
+another, to terrify them into fits, when they will be easily captured.
+This precaution has been scarcely thought necessary by some of the
+mandarins, as our great artist, Wang, has covered the external
+joss-house with frantic figures that, must strike terror to every
+barbarian. Gold paper has also been kept constantly burning, on altars
+of holy clay, at every practicable point of the defences, which it is
+hardly thought they will have the hardihood to approach, and the sacred
+ducks of Fanqui have been turned loose in the river to retard the
+progress of the infidel fleet.
+
+During the storm of last week the portcullis, which hail been placed in
+the northern gate, and was composed of solid rice paper, with
+cross-bars of chop-sticks, was much damaged. It is now under repair,
+and will be coated entirely with tea-chest lead, to render it perfectly
+impregnable. The whole of the household troops and body-guard of the
+emperor have also received new accoutrements of tin-foil and painted
+isinglass. They have likewise been armed with varnished bladders,
+containing peas and date stones, which produce a terrific sound upon
+the least motion.
+
+An Englishman has been gallantly captured this morning, in a small
+boat, by one of our armed junks. He will eat his eyes in the
+Palace-court this afternoon; and then, being enclosed in soft
+porcelain, will be baked to form a statue for the new pagoda at
+Bo-Lung, the first stone of which was laid by the late emperor, to
+celebrate his victory over the rude northern islanders.
+
+
+_Canton_.
+
+The last order of the government, prohibiting the exportation of tea
+and rhubarb, has been issued by the advice of Lin, who translates the
+English newspapers to the council. It is affirmed in these journals,
+that millions of these desert tribes have no other beverage than tea
+for their support. As their oath prohibits any other liquor, they will
+be driven to water for subsistence, and, unable to correct its
+unhealthy influence by doses of rhubarb, will die miserably. In
+anticipation of this event, large catacombs are being erected near
+their great city, on the authority of Slo-Lefe-Tee, who visited it last
+year, and intends shortly to go there again. The rhubarb prohibition
+will, it is said, have a great effect upon the English market for
+plums, pickled salmon, and greengages; and the physicians, or disciples
+of the great Hum, appear uncertain as to the course to be pursued.
+
+The emperor has issued a chop to the Hong merchants, forbidding them to
+assist or correspond with the invaders, under pain of having their
+finger-nails drawn out and rings put in their noses. Howqua resists the
+order, and it is the intention of Lin, should he remain obstinate, to
+recommend his being pounded up with broken crockery and packed in
+Chinese catty packages, to be forwarded, as an example, to the Mandarin
+Pidding, of the wild island.
+
+An English flag, stolen by a deserter from Chusan, will be formally
+insulted to-morrow in the market-place, by the emperor and his court.
+Dust will be thrown at it, accompanied by derisive grimaces, and it
+will be subsequently hoisted, in scorn, to blow, at the mercy of the
+winds, upon the summit of the palace, within sight of the barbarians.
+
+
+LEVANT MAIL.
+
+CONSTANTINOPLE, ALEXANDRIA, AND SMYRNA.
+
+_August 30._
+
+The Sultan got very fuddled last night, with forbidden juice, in the
+harem, and tumbled down the ivory steps leading from the apartment of
+the favourite, by which accident he seriously cut his nose. Every guard
+is to be bastinadoed in consequence, and the wine-merchant will be
+privately sewn up in a canvas-bag and thrown into the Bosphorus this
+evening.
+
+A relation of Selim Pacha, despatched by the Sultan to collect taxes in
+Beyrout, was despatched by the Syrians a few hours after his arrival.
+
+The periodical conflagration of the houses, mosques, and synagogues, in
+Smyrna, took place with great splendour on the 30th ult., and the next
+will be arranged for the ensuing month, when everybody suspected of the
+plague will receive orders from the government to remain in their
+dwellings until they are entirely consumed. By this salutary
+arrangement, it is expected that much improvement will take place in
+the public health.
+
+The inundation of the Nile has also been very favourable this year, The
+water has risen higher than usual, and carried off several hundred poor
+people. The Board of Guardians of the Alexandria Union are consequently
+much rejoiced.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+TO MR GREEN, THE INSPECTOR OF HIGHWAYS.
+
+ON HIS RECENT SKYLARK.
+
+"The air hath bubbles as the water hath."
+
+
+  Huzza! huzza! there goes the balloon--
+    'Tis up like a rocket, and off to the moon!
+      Now fading from our view,
+        Or dimly seen;
+      Now lost in the deep _blue_
+        Is Mr. _Green_!
+
+  Pray have a care,
+    In your path through the air,
+      And mind well what you do;
+        For if you chance to slip
+      Out of your airy ship,
+        Then _down_ you come, and all is _up_ with you.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+FASHIONABLE ARRIVALS.
+
+Two thousand and thirty-five remarkably fine calves, from their various
+rural pasturages at Smithfield. Some of the _heads_ of the party have
+since been seen in the very highest society.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+ADVICE GRATIS.
+
+"What will you take?" said Peel to Russell, on adjourning from the
+School of Design. "Anything you recommend." "Then let it be your
+departure," was the significant rejoinder.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PLEASANT CROPS ABROAD.--A GOOD LOOK OUT FOR THE SYRIANS.
+
+"French agents are said to _be sowing discontent_ in Syria."--_Sunday
+Times_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE GENTLEMAN'S OWN BOOK.
+
+Having advised you in our last paper of "Dress in general," we now
+proceed to the important consideration of
+
+DRESS IN PARTICULAR,
+
+a subject of such paramount interest and magnitude, that we feel an
+Encyclopaedia would be barely sufficient for its full developement; and
+it is our honest conviction that, until professorships of this truly
+noble art are instituted at the different universities, the same
+barbarisms of style will be displayed even by those of gentle blood, as
+now too frequently detract from the Augustan character of the age.
+
+To take as comprehensive a view of this subject as our space will
+admit, we have divided it into the quality, the cut, the ornaments, and
+the pathology.
+
+THE QUALITY
+
+comprises _the texture, colour, and age of the materials_.
+
+Of the texture there are only two kinds compatible with the reputation
+of a gentleman--the very fine and the very coarse; or, to speak
+figuratively--the Cachmere and the Witney blanket.
+
+The latter is an emanation from the refinement of the nineteenth
+century, for a prejudice in favour of "extra-superfine" formerly
+existed, as the coarser textures, now prevalent, were confined
+exclusively to common sailors, hackney-coachmen, and bum-bailiffs.
+These frivolous distinctions are happily exploded, and the true
+gentleman may now show in Saxony, or figure in Flushing--the one being
+suggestive of his property, and the other indicative of his taste.
+These remarks apply exclusively to woollens, whether for coats or
+trousers.
+
+It is incumbent on every gentleman to have a perfect library of
+waistcoats, the selection of which must be regulated by the cost of the
+material, as it would be derogatory, in the highest degree, to a man
+aspiring to the character of a _distingue_, to decorate his bosom with
+a garment that would by any possibility come under the denomination of
+"these choice patterns, only 7s. 6d." There are certain designs for
+this important decorative adjunct, which entirely preclude them from
+the wardrobes of the elite--the imaginative bouquets upon red-plush
+grounds, patronised by the ingenious constructors of canals and
+rail-roads--the broad and brilliant Spanish striped Valencias, which
+distinguish the _savans_ or knowing ones of the stable--the cotton
+(must we profane the word!) velvet impositions covered with botanical
+diagrams done in distemper, and monopolized by lawyers' clerks and
+small professionals--the _positive_ or genuine Genoa velvet, with
+violent and showy embellishments of roses, dahlias, and peonies, which
+find favour in the eyes of aldermen, attorneys, and the proprietors of
+four-wheel chaises, are all to be avoided as the fifth daughter of a
+clergyman's widow.
+
+It is almost superfluous to add, that breeches can only be made of
+white leather or white kerseymere, for any other colour or material
+would awaken associations of the dancing-master, the waiter, the
+butler, or the bumpkin, or, what is equally to be dreaded, "the highly
+respectables" of the last century.
+
+The dressing-gown is a portion of the costume which commands particular
+attention; for though no man "can appear as a hero to his valet," he
+must keep up the gentleman. This can only be done by the dressing-gown.
+To gentlemen who occupy apartments, the _robe de chambre_, if properly
+selected, is of infinite advantage; for an Indian shawl or rich
+brocaded silk (of which this garment should only be constructed), will
+be found to possess extraordinary pacific properties with the landlady,
+when the irregularity of your remittances may have ruffled the
+equanimity of her temper, whilst you are
+
+[Illustration: INCLINED TO TAKE IT COOLLY;]
+
+whereas a gray Duffield, or a cotton chintz, would be certain to induce
+deductions highly prejudicial to the respectability of your character,
+or, what is of equal importance, to the duration of your credit.
+
+The colour of your materials should be selected with due regard to the
+species of garment and the tone of the complexion. If the face be of
+that faint drab which your friends would designate _pallid_, and your
+enemies sallow, a coat of pea-green or snuff-brown must be scrupulously
+eschewed, whilst black or invisible green would, by contrast, make that
+appear delicate and interesting, which, by the use of the former
+colours, must necessarily seem bilious and brassy.
+
+The rosy complexionist must as earnestly avoid all sombre tints, as the
+inelegance of a healthful appearance should never be obtrusively
+displayed by being placed in juxta-position with colours diametrically
+opposite, though it is almost unnecessary to state that any one
+ignorant enough to appear of an evening in a coat of any other colour
+than blue or black (regimentals, of course, excepted), would certainly
+be condemned to a quarantine in the servant's hall. There are colours
+which, if worn for trousers by the first peer of the realm, would be as
+condemnatory of his character as a gentleman, as levanting on the
+settling-day for the Derby.
+
+The dark drab, which harmonises with the mud--the peculiar
+pepper-and-salt which is warranted not to grow gray with age--the
+indescribable mixtures, which have evidently been compounded for the
+sake of economy, must ever be exiled from the wardrobe and legs of a
+gentleman.
+
+The hunting-coat must be invariably of scarlet, due care being taken
+before wearing to dip the tips of the tails in claret or port wine,
+which, for new coats, or for those of gentlemen who do _not_ hunt, has
+been found to give them an equally veteran appearance with the sweat of
+the horse.
+
+_Of the age_ it is only necessary to state, that a truly fashionable
+suit should never appear under a week, or be worn longer than a month
+from the time that it left the hands of its parent schneider.
+Shooting-coats are exceptions to the latter part of this rule, as a
+garment devoted to the field should always bear evidence of long
+service, and a new jacket should be consigned to your valet, who, if he
+understands his profession, will carefully rub the shoulders with a
+hearth-stone and bole-ammonia, to convey the appearance of friction and
+the deposite of the rust of the gun[1].
+
+    [1] Gentlemen who are theoretical, rather than practical sportsmen,
+        would find it beneficial to have a partridge carefully plucked,
+        and the feathers sparingly deposited in the pockets of the
+        shooting-jacket usually applied to the purposes of carrying
+        game. Newgate Market possesses all the advantages of a
+        preserved manor.
+
+Of the cut, ornaments, and pathology of dress, we shall speak next
+week, for these are equally essential to ensure
+
+[Illustration: AN INTRODUCTION TO FASHIONABLE SOCIETY.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+BEGINNING EARLY.
+
+We are informed by the _Times_ of Saturday, that at the late
+Conservative enactment at D.L., not only his Royal Highness Prince
+Albert, but the _infant_ Princess Royal, was "drunk, with the usual
+honours."--[_Proh pudor!_--PUNCH.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SIBTHORP'S VERY BEST.
+
+Sibthorp, meeting Peel in the House of Commons, after congratulating
+him on his present enviable position, finished the confab with the
+following unrivalled conundrum:--"By the bye, which of your vegetables
+does your Tamworth speech resemble!"--"Spinach," replied Peel, who, no
+doubt, associated it with _gammon_.--"Pshaw," said the gallant Colonel,
+"your rope inions (_your opinions_), to be sure!" Peel opened his
+mouth, and never closed it till he took his seat at the table.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+BEAUTIFUL COINCIDENCE!--A PAIR OF TOOLS.
+
+Sir Francis Burdett, the superannuated Tory _tool_, proposed the
+Conservative healths; and _Toole_ the second, as toast-master,
+announced them to the assemblage.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE CURRAH CUT;
+
+OR, HOW WE ALL GOT A FI'PENNY BIT A-PIECE.
+
+
+"Are the two ponies ready?"
+
+"Yes!"
+
+"And the ass?"
+
+"All right!"
+
+"And you've, all five of you, got your fi'pennies for Tony Dolan, the
+barber, at Kells?"
+
+"Every one of us."
+
+"Then be off; there's good boys! Ride and tie like Christians, and
+don't be going double on the brute beasts; for a bit of a walk now and
+then will just stretch your legs. Be back at five to dinner; and let us
+see what bucks you'll look with your new-trimmed curls. Stay, there's
+another fi'penny; spend that among you, and take care of yourselves, my
+little jewels!"
+
+Such were the parting queries and instructions of my kind old uncle to
+five as roaring, mischievous urchins as ever stole whisky to soak the
+shamrock on St. Patrick's day. The chief director, schemer, and
+perpetrator of all our fun and devilry, was, strange to say, "my cousin
+Bob:" the smallest, and, with one exception, the youngest of the party.
+But Bob was his grandmother's "ashey pet"--his mother's "jewel"--his
+father's "mannikin"--his nurse's "honey"--and the whole world's
+"darlin' little devil of a rogue!" The expression of a face naturally
+arch, beaming with good humour, and radiant with happy laughter, was
+singularly heightened by a strange peculiarity of vision, which I am at
+a loss to describe. It was, if the reader can idealise the thing, an
+absolute "beauty," which, unfortunately, can only be written about by
+the appliances of some term conveying the notion of a blemish. The
+glances from his bright eyes seemed to steal out from under their long
+fringe, the most reckless truants of exulting mirth. No matter what he
+said, he looked a joke. Now for his orders:--
+
+"Aisy with you, lads. Cousin Harry, take first ride on St. Patrick (the
+name of the ass)--here's a leg up. The two Dicks can have Scrub and
+Rasper. Jack and Billy, boys, catch a hold of the bridles, or devil a
+ha'p'worth of ride and tie there'll be in at all, if them Dicks get the
+start--Shanks' mare will take you to Kells. Don't be galloping off in
+that manner, but shoot aisy! Remember, the ass has got to keep up with
+you, and I've got to keep up with the ass. That's the thing--steady she
+goes! It's an elegant day, and no hurry in life. Spider! come here,
+boy--that's right. Down, sir! down, you devil, or wipe your paws. Bad
+manners to you--look at them breeches! Never mind, there's a power of
+rats at Tony Carroll's barn--it's mighty little out o' the way, and may
+be we'll get a hunt. What say you?"
+
+"A hunt, a hunt, by all manes! there's the fun of it! Come on,
+lads--here's the place!--turn off, and go to work! Wait, wait! get a
+stick a-piece, and break the necks of 'em! Hurrah!--in Spider!--find
+'em boy! Good lad! Tare an ouns, you may well squeak! Good dog! good
+dog! that's a grandfather!--we'll have more yet; the family always come
+to the ould one's berrin'. I've seen 'em often, and mighty dacent they
+behave. Damn Kells and the barber, up with the boords and go to
+work!--this is something like sport! Houly Paul, there's one up my
+breeches--here's the tail of him--he caught a hould of my
+leather-garter. Come out of that, Spider! Spider, here he is--that's
+it--give him another shake for his impudence--serve him out! Hurrah!"
+
+"Fast and furious" grew our incessant urging on of the willing Spider,
+for his continued efforts at extermination. At the end of two hours,
+the metamorphosed barn was nearly stripped of its flooring--nine huge
+rats lay dead, as trophies of our own achievements--the panting Spider,
+"by turns caressing, and by turns caressed," licking alternately the
+hands and faces of all, as we sat on the low ledge of the doorway,
+wagging his close-cut stump of tail, as if he were resolved, by his
+unceasing exertions, to get entirely rid of that excited dorsal
+ornament.
+
+"This is the rael thing," said Bob.
+
+"So it is," said Dick; "but"--
+
+"But what?"
+
+"Why, devil a ha'p'orth of Kells or hair-cutting there's in it."
+
+"Not a taste," chimed in Jack.
+
+"Nothing like it," echoed Will.
+
+"What will we do?" said all at once. There was a short pause--after
+which the matter was resumed by Dick, who was intended for a parson,
+and therefore rather given to moralising.
+
+"Life," quoth Dick--"life's uncertain."
+
+"You may say that," rejoined Bob; "look at them rats."
+
+"Tony Dowlan's a hard-drinking man, and his mother had fits."
+
+"Of the same sort," said Bob.
+
+"Well, then," continued Dick, "there's no knowing--he may be dead--if
+so, how could he cut our hair?"
+
+Here Dick, like Brutus, paused for a reply. Bob produced one.
+
+"It's a good scheme, but it won't do; the likes of him never does
+anything he's wanted to. He's the contrariest ould thief in Ireland! I
+wish mama hadn't got a party; we'd do well enough but for that. Never
+mind, boys, I've got it. There's Mikey Brian, he's the boy!
+
+"What for?"
+
+"To cut the hair of the whole of us."
+
+"_He_ can't do it."
+
+"Can't! wait, a-cushla, till I tell you, or, what's better, show you.
+Come now, you devils. Look at the heels (Rasper's and Scrub's) of them
+ponies! Did ever you see anything like them!--look at the cutting
+there--Tony Dowlan never had the knack o' that tasty work in his dirty
+finger and thumb--and who done that? Why Mikey Brian--didn't I see him
+myself; and isn't he the boy that can 'bang Bannaker' at anything! Oh!
+he'll cut us elegant!--he'll do the squad for a fi'penny--and then,
+lads, there's them five others will be just one a-piece to buy gut and
+flies! Come on, you Hessians!"
+
+No sooner proposed than acceded to--off we set, for the eulogised
+"Bannaker banging Mikey Brian."
+
+A stout, handsome boy he was--rising four-and-twenty--a fighting,
+kissing, rollicking, ball-playing, dancing vagabone, as you'd see in a
+day's march--such a fellow as you only meet in Ireland--a bit of a
+gardener, a bit of a groom, a bit of a futboy, and a bit of a
+horse-docthor.
+
+We reached the stables by the back way, and there, in his own peculiar
+loft, was Mikey Brian, brushing a somewhat faded livery, in which to
+wait upon the coming quality.
+
+Bob stated the case, as far as the want of our locks' curtailment went,
+but made no mention of the delay which occasioned our coming to Mikey;
+on the contrary, he attributed the preference solely to our conviction
+of his superior abilities, and the wish to give him a chance, as he
+felt convinced, if he had fair play, he'd be engaged miles round,
+instead of the hopping old shaver at Kells.
+
+"I'm your man, Masther Robert."
+
+"Who's first?"
+
+"I am--there's the fi'penny--that's for the lot!"
+
+"Good luck to you, sit down--will you have the Currah thoro'bred-cut?"
+
+"That's the thing," said Bob.
+
+"Then, young gentlement, as there ain't much room--and if you do be all
+looking on, I'll be bothered--just come in one by one."
+
+Out we went, and, in an inconceivably short space, Bob emerged.
+
+Mikey advising: "Master Robert, dear, keep your hat on for the life of
+you, for fear of cowld." A few minutes finished us all.
+
+"This is elegant," said Bob. "Mikey, it will be the making of you; but
+don't say a word till you hear how they'll praise you at dinner."
+
+"Mum!" said Mikey, and off we rushed.
+
+I felt rather astonished at the ease with which my hat sat; while those
+of the rest appeared ready to fall over their noses. Being in a hurry,
+this was passed over. The second dinner-bell rang--we bolted up for a
+brief ablution--our hats were thrown into a corner, and, as if by one
+consent, all eyes were fixed upon each other's heads!
+
+Bob gave tongue: "The Devil's skewer to Mikey Brian! and bad luck to
+the Currah thoro'bred cut! Not the eighth part of an inch of 'air there
+is amongst the set of us. What will the master say? Never mind; we've
+got the fi'pennies! Come to dinner!--by the Puck we are beauties!"
+
+We reached the dining-room unperceived; but who can describe the agony
+of my aunt Kate, when she clapped her eyes upon five such close-clipped
+scarecrows. She vowed vengence of all sorts and descriptions against
+the impudent, unnatural, shameful monster! Terms which Mikey Brian, in
+the back-ground, appropriated to himself, and with the utmost
+difficulty restrained his rising wrath from breaking out.
+
+"What," continued aunt Kate, "what does he call this?"
+
+"It's the thoro'bred Currah-cut, ma'am," said Bob, with one of his
+peculiar glances at Mikey and the rest.
+
+"And mighty cool wearing, I'll be bail," muttered Mikey.
+
+"Does he call that hair-cutting?" screamed my aunt.
+
+"That, and nothing but it," quietly retorted Bob, passing his hand over
+his head; "you can't deny the cutting, ma'am."
+
+"The young gentlemen look elegant," said Mikey.
+
+"I'm told it's all the go, ma'am," said Bob.
+
+"Wait!" said my aunt, with suppressed rage; "wait till I go to Kells."
+
+This did not happen for six weeks; our aunt's anger was mollified as
+our locks were once more human. Upon upbraiding "Tony Knowlan" the
+murder came out. A hearty laugh ensured our pardon, and Mikey Brian's;
+and the story of the "thoro'bred Currah-cut" was often told, as the
+means by which "we all got a fi'penny bit a-piece."--FUSBOS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+There is a portrait of a person so like him, that, the other day, a
+friend who called took no notice whatever of the man, further than
+saying he was a good likeness, but asked the portrait to dinner, and
+only found out his mistake when he went up to shake hands with it at
+parting.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+An American hearing that there was a fire in his neighbourhood, and
+that it might possibly consume his house, took the precaution to _bolt_
+his own door; that he might be, so far at least, beforehand with the
+_devouring_ element.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+BAD EITHER WAY.
+
+The peace, happiness, and prosperity of England, are threatened by
+_Peel_; in Ireland, the picture is reversed: the safety of that country
+is endangered by _Re-peal_. It would be hard to say which is worst.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A CONSTANT PAIR.
+
+  Jane is a constant wench (so Sibthorp says);
+  For in how _many_ shops you see _Jean stays_!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A COUNT AND HIS SCHNEIDER.
+
+The Count's fashioner sent in, the other day, his bill, which was a
+pretty considerable time overdue, accompanied by the following polite
+note:--
+
+"Sir,--Your bill having been for a very long time standing, I beg that
+it may be settled forthwith.
+
+"Yours,
+"B----."
+
+
+To which Snip received the following reply:--
+
+"Sir,--I am very sorry that your bill should have been kept standing so
+long. Pray request it to _sit_ down.
+
+"Yours,
+"**"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+NARRATIVE OF AN AWFUL CASE OF EXTREME DISTRESS.
+
+It was in the year 1808, that myself and seven others resolved upon
+taking chambers in Staples' Inn. Our avowed object was to study, but we
+had in reality assembled together for the purposes of convivial
+enjoyment, and what were then designated "sprees." Our stock consisted
+of four hundred and twelve pounds, which we had drawn from our parents
+and guardians under the various pretences of paying fees and procuring
+books for the advancement of our knowledge in the sublime mysteries of
+that black art called Law. In addition to our pecuniary resources, we
+had also a fair assortment of wearing-apparel, and it was well for us
+that parental anxiety had provided most of us with a change of garments
+suitable to the various seasons. For a long time everything went on
+riotously and prosperously. We visited the Theatres, the Coal-hole, the
+Cider-cellars, and the Saloon, and became such ardent admirers of the
+"Waterford system of passing a night and morning," that scarcely a day
+came without a draft upon the treasury for that legal imposition upon
+the liberty of the subject--the five-shilling fine; besides the
+discharge of promissory notes as compensation for trifling damages done
+to the heads and property of various individuals.
+
+About a month after the formation of our association we were all
+suffering severely from thirsty head-aches, produced, I am convinced,
+by the rapid consumption of thirteen bowls of whiskey-punch on the
+preceding night. The rain was falling in perpendicular torrents, and
+the whole aspect of out-of-door nature was gloomy and sloppy, when we
+were alarmed by the exclamation of Joseph Jones (a relation of the
+Welsh Joneses), who officiated as our treasurer, and upon inquiring the
+cause, were horror-stricken to find that we had arrived at our last
+ten-pound note, and that the landlord had sent an imperative message,
+requiring the immediate settlement of our back-rent. It is impossible
+to paint the consternation depicted on every countenance, already
+sufficiently disordered by previous suffering and biliary
+disarrangement.
+
+I was the first to speak; for being the son of a shabby-genteel father,
+I had witnessed in my infancy many of those schemes to raise the
+needful, to which ambitious men with limited incomes are so frequently
+driven. I therefore bid them be of good heart, for that any pawnbroker
+in the neighbourhood would readily advance money upon the superfluous
+wardrobe which we possessed. This remark was received with loud cheers,
+which, I have no doubt, would have been much more vehement but from the
+fatal effects of the whiskey-punch.
+
+The landlord's claim was instantly discharged, and after several pots
+of strong green tea, rendered innocuous by brandy, we sallied forth in
+pursuit of what we then ignorantly conceived to be pleasure.
+
+I will not pause to particularise the gradual diminution of our
+property, but come at once to that period when, having consumed all our
+superfluities, it become a serious subject of consideration, what
+should next be sacrificed.
+
+I will now proceed to make extracts from our general diary, merely
+premising that our only attendant was an asthmatic individual named
+Peter.
+
+_Dec. 2, 1808._--Peter reported stock--eight coats, eight waistcoats,
+eight pairs of trousers, two ounces of coffee, half a quartern loaf,
+and a ha'p'orth of milk. The eight waistcoats required for dinner.
+Peter ordered to pop accordingly--proceeds 7s. 6d. Invested in a small
+leg of mutton and half-and-half.
+
+_Dec. 3._--Peter reported stock--coats _idem_, trousers _idem_--a
+mutton bone--rent due--a coat and a pair of trousers ordered for
+immediate necessities--lots drawn--Jones the victim. Moved the court to
+grant him his trousers, as his coat was lined with silk, which would
+furnish the trimmings--rejected. Peter popped the suit, and Jones went
+to bed. All signed an undertaking to redeem Jones with the first
+remittance from the country. Proceeds 40s. Paid rent, and dined on
+a-la-mode beef and potatoes--beer limited to one quart. Peter hinted at
+wages, and was remonstrated with on the folly and cruelty of his
+conduct.
+
+_Dec. 4._--Peter reported stock--seven coats, seven pairs of trousers,
+and a gentleman in bed. Washerwoman called--gave notice of detaining
+linen unless settled with--two coats and one pair of trousers ordered
+for consumption. Lots drawn--Smith the victim for coat and
+trousers--Brown for the continuations only. Smith retired to bed--Brown
+obtained permission to sit in a blanket. Proceeds of the above,
+38s.--both pairs of trousers having been reseated. Jones very violent,
+declaring it an imposition, and that every gentleman who had been
+repaired, should enter himself so on the books. The linen redeemed,
+leaving--nothing for dinner.
+
+_Dec. 5._--Peter reported stock--four coats, and five pairs of
+trousers. Account not agreeing, Peter was called in--found that
+Williams had bolted--Jones offered to call him out, if we would dress
+him for the day--Smith undertook to negotiate preliminaries on the same
+conditions--Williams voted not worth powder and shot in the present
+state of our finances. A coat and two pair of continuations ordered for
+supplies--lots drawn--Black and Edwards the victims. Black retired to
+bed, and Edwards to a blanket--proceeds, 20s. Jones, Smith, and Black,
+petitioned for an increased supply of coals--agreed to. Dinner, a large
+leg of mutton and baked potatoes. Peter lodged a detainer against the
+change, as he wanted his hair cut and a box of vegetable pills--so he
+said.
+
+_Dec. 6._--Peter reported stock--three coats, three pairs of trousers,
+quarter of a pound of mutton, and one potato. Landlord sent a note
+remonstrating against using the beds all day, and applying the blankets
+to the purposes of dressing-gowns. Proposed, in consequence of this
+impertinent communication, that the payment of the next week's rent be
+disputed--carried _nem. con_. A coat and a pair of trousers ordered for
+the day's necessities--Peter popped as usual--proceeds, 10s. 6d.--coals
+bought--ditto a quire of paper, and the _et cets_. for home
+correspondence. Blue devils very prevalent.
+
+_Dec. 7._--Peter reported stock--two coats, two pairs of trousers, and
+five gentlemen in bed. Smith hinted at the "beauties of _Burke_"--Peter
+brought a note for Jones--everybody in ecstacy--Jones's jolly old uncle
+from Glamorganshire had arrived in town. Huzza! safe for a 20l. Busker
+(_that's myself_) volunteered his suit--Jones dressed and off in a
+brace of shakes--caught Peter laughing--found it was a hoax of Jones's
+to give us the slip--would have stripped Peter, only his clothes were
+worth nothing--calculated the produce of the remaining suit at--
+
+    Buttons   .  .  .  .  . a breakfast.
+    Two sleeves  .  .  .  . one pint of porter.
+    Body .  .  .  . .  .  . four plates of a-la-mode.
+    Trousers (at per leg) . half a quartern loaf.
+
+Caught an idea.--wrote an anonymous letter to the landlord, and told
+him that an association had been formed to burke Colonel Sibthorp--his
+lodgers the conspirators--that the scheme was called the "Lie-a-bed
+plot"--poverty with his lodgers all fudge--men of immense wealth--get
+rid of them for his own sake--old boy very nervous, having been in quod
+for smuggling--gave us warning--couldn't go if we would. Landlord
+redeemed our clothes. Ha! ha!--did him brown.
+
+The above is a statement of what I suffered during my minority. I have
+now the honour to be a magistrate and a member of Parliament.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE RICH OLD BUFFER.
+
+A MAIDEN LYRIC.
+
+  Urge it no more! I must not wed
+    One who is poor, so hold your prattle;
+  My lips on love have ne'er been fed,
+    With poverty I cannot battle.
+  My choice is made--I know I'm right--
+    Who wed for love starvation suffer;
+  So I will study day and night
+    To please and win a rich OLD BUFFER.
+
+  Romance is very fine, I own;
+    Reality is vastly better;
+  I'm twenty--past--romance is flown--
+    To Cupid I'm no longer debtor.
+  Wealth, power, and rank--I ask no more--
+    Let the world frown, with these I'll rough her--
+  Give me an equipage and four,
+    Blood bays, a page, and--rich OLD BUFFER.
+
+  An opera-box shall be my court,
+    Myself the sovereign of the women;
+  There moustached loungers shall resort,
+    Whilst Elssler o'er the stage is skimming.
+  If any rival dare dispute
+    The palm of _ton_, my set shall huff her;
+  I'll reign supreme, make envy mute,
+    When once I wed a rich OLD BUFFFER!
+
+  "The heart"--"the feelings"--pshaw! for nought
+    _They_ go, I grant, though quite enchanting
+  In valentines by school-girls wrought:
+    Nonsense! by me they are not wanting.
+  A note! and, as I live, a ring!
+    "Pity the sad suspense I suffer!"
+  All's right. I knew to book I'd bring
+    Old Brown. I've caught--
+                            A RICH OLD BUFFER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PHILANTHROPY, FINE WRITING, AND FIREWORKS.
+
+A writer in a morning paper, eulogising the Licensed Victuallers' fete
+at Vauxhall Gardens, on Tuesday evening, bursts into the following
+magnificent flight:--"Wit has been profanely said, like the Pagan, to
+deify the brute" (the writer will never increase the mythology); "but
+here," (that is, in the royal property,) "while intellect and skill"
+(together with Roman candles) "exhibit their various manifestations,
+Charity" (arrack punch and blue fire) "throw their benign halo over the
+festive scene" (in the circle and Widdicomb), "and not only sanctify
+the enjoyment" (of ham and Green's ascent), "but improve" (the
+appetite) "and elevate" (the victuallers) "the feelings" (and the
+sky-rockets) "of all who participate in it" (and the sticks coming
+down). "This is, truly an occasion when every licensed victualler
+should be at his post" (with a stretcher in waiting).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+IMPERIAL PARLIAMENT.
+
+As the coming session of Parliament is likely to be a busy one--for
+PUNCH--we have engaged some highly talented gentlemen expressly to
+report the fun in the House. The public will therefore have the benefit
+of all the senatorial brilliancy, combined with our own peculiar powers
+of description. Sibthorp--(scintillations fly from our pen as we trace
+the magic word)--shall, for one session at least, have justice done to
+his Sheridanic mind. Muntz shall be cut with a friendly hand, and Peter
+Borthwick feel that the days of his histrionic glories are returned,
+when his name, and that of "Avon's swan," figured daily in the
+"_Stokum-cum-Pogis Gazette_." Let any member prove himself worthy of
+being associated with the brilliant names which ornament our pages, and
+be certain we will insure his immortality. We will now proceed to our
+report of
+
+THE QUEEN'S SPEECH.
+
+      MY LORDS AND GENTLEMEN,
+          This morn at crow-cock,
+          Great Doctor Locock
+  Decided that her Majesty had better
+  Remain at home, for (as _I_ read the letter)
+  He thought the opening speech
+  Would be "more honoured in the breach
+  Than the observance." So here I am,
+  To read a royal speech without a flam.
+  Her Majesty continues to receive
+  From Foreign Powers good reasons to believe
+  That, for the universe, they would not tease her,
+  But do whate'er they could on earth to please her.
+        A striking fact,
+        That proves each act
+  Of _us_, the Cabinet, has been judicious,
+  Though of our conduct _some_ folks _are_ suspicious.
+  Her Majesty has also satisfaction
+  To state the July treaty did succeed
+  (Aided, no doubt, by Napier's gallant action),
+  And that in peace the Sultan smokes his weed.
+  That France, because she was left out,
+  Did for a little while--now bounce--now pout,
+  Is in the best of humours, and will still
+  Lend us her Jullien, monarch of quadrille!
+  And as her Majesty's a peaceful woman,
+  She hopes we shall get into rows with no man.
+  Her Majesty is also glad to say,
+  That as the Persian troops have march'd away,
+  Her Minister has orders to resume
+  His powers at Teheran, where he's ta'en a room.
+  Her Majesty regrets that the Chinese
+  Are running up the prices of our teas:
+  But should the Emperor continue crusty,
+  Elliot's to find out if his jacket's dusty.
+  Her Majesty has also had the pleasure
+  (By using a conciliatory measure)
+  To settle Spain and Portugal's division
+  About the Douro treaty's true provision.
+  Her Majesty (she grieves to say) 's contrived to get,
+  Like all her predecessors, into debt--
+  In Upper Canada, which, we suppose,
+  By this time is a fact the Council knows,
+  And what they think, or say, or write about it,
+  You'll he advised of, and the Queen don't doubt it,
+  But you'll contrive to make the thing all square,
+  So leaves the matter to your loyal care.
+      GENTLEMEN OF THE HOUSE OF COMMONS,
+  Her Majesty, I'm proud to say, relies
+  On you with confidence for the supplies;
+  And, as there's much to pay, she begs to hint
+  She hopes sincerely you'll not spare the Mint.
+      MY LORDS AND GENTLEMEN,
+  The public till,
+  I much regret to say, is looking ill;
+  For Canada and China, and the Whigs--no, no--
+  Some other prigs--have left the cash so-so:
+  But as our soldiers and our tars, brave lads,
+  Won't shell out shells till we shell out the brads,
+  Her Majesty desires you'll be so kind
+  As to devise some means to raise the wind,
+  Either by taxing more or taxing less,
+  Relieving or increasing our distress;
+  Or by increasing twopennies to quarterns,
+  Or keeping up the price which "Commons shortens;"
+  By making weavers' wages high or low,
+  Or other means, but what we do not know.
+  But the one thing our royal mistress axes,
+  Is, that you'll make the people pay their taxes.
+  The last request, I fear, will cause surprise--
+  Her Majesty requests _you to be wise_.
+  If you comply at once, the world will own
+  It is the greatest miracle e'er known.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE DINNEROLOGY OF ENGLAND.
+
+Man is the only animal that cooks his dinner before he eats it. All
+other species of the same genus are content to take the provisions of
+nature as they find them; but man's reason has designed pots and
+roasting-jacks, stewpans and bakers' ovens; thus opening a wide field
+for the exercise of that culinary ingenuity which has rendered the
+names of Glasse and Kitchiner immortal. Of such importance is the
+gastronomic art to the well-being of England, that we question much if
+the "wooden walls," which have been the theme of many a song, afford
+her the same protection as her dinners. The ancients sought, by the
+distribution of crowns and flowers, to stimulate the enterprising and
+reward the successful; but England, despising such empty honours and
+distinctions, tempts the diffident with a haunch of venison, and
+rewards the daring with real turtle.
+
+If charity seeks the aid of the benevolent, she no longer trusts to the
+magic of oratory to "melt the tender soul to pity," and untie the
+purse-strings; but, grown wise by experience, she sends in her card in
+the shape of "a guinea ticket, bottle of wine included;" and thus
+appeals, if not to the heart, at least to its next-door neighbour--the
+stomach.
+
+The hero is no longer conducted to the temple of Victory amid the
+shouts of his grateful and admiring countrymen, but to the Freemason's,
+the Crown and Anchor, or the Town Hall, there to have his plate heaped
+with the choicest viands, his glass tilled from the best bins, and "his
+health drank with three times three, and a little one in."
+
+The bard has now to experience "the happiest moment of his life" amid
+the jingling of glasses, the rattle of dessert plates, and the
+stentorian vociferations of the toast-master to "charge your glasses,
+gentlemen--Mr. Dionysius Dactyl, the ornament of the age, with nine
+times nine," and to pour out the flood of his poetic gratitude, with
+half a glass of port in one hand and a table-napkin in the other.
+
+The Cicero who has persuaded an enlightened body of electors to receive
+L10,000 decimated amongst them, and has in return the honour of
+sleeping in "St. Stephen's," and smoking in "Bellamy's," or, to be less
+figurative, who has been returned as their representative in
+Parliament, receives the foretaste of his importance in a "public
+dinner," which commemorates his election; or should he desire to
+express "the deep sense of his gratitude," like Lord Mahon at Hertford,
+he cannot better prove his sincerity than by the liberal distribution
+of invitations for the unrestrained consumption of mutton, and the
+unlimited imbibition of "foreign wines and spirituous liquors."
+
+If a renegade, like Sir Francis Burdett, is desirous of making his
+apostacy the theme of general remark--of surprising the world with an
+exhibition of prostrated worth--let him not seek the market-cross to
+publish his dishonour, whilst there remains the elevated chair at a
+dinner-table. Let him prove himself entitled to be ranked as a man, by
+the elaborate manner in which he seasons his soup or anatomises a
+joint. Let him have the glass and the towel--the one to cool the
+tongue, which must burn with the fulsome praises of those whom he has
+hitherto decried, and the other as a ready appliance to conceal the
+blush which must rush to the cheek from the consciousness of the
+thousand recollections of former professions awakened in the minds of
+every applauder of his apostacy. Let him have a Toole to give bold
+utterance to the toasts which, in former years, would have called forth
+his contumely and indignation, and which, even now, he dare only
+whisper, lest the echo of his own voice should be changed into a curse.
+Let him have wine, that his blood may riot through his veins and drive
+memory onward. Let him have wine, that when the hollow cheers of his
+new allies ring in his ears he may be incapable of understanding their
+real meaning; or, when he rises to respond to the lip-service of his
+fellow bacchanals, the fumes may supply the place of mercy, and save
+him from the abjectness of self-degradation. Burdett! the 20th of
+August will never be forgotten! You have earned an epitaph that will
+scorch men's eyes--
+
+  "To the last a renegade."[2]
+    *      *      *      *
+
+    [2] "Siege of Corinth."
+
+Who that possesses the least reflection ever visited a police-office
+without feeling how intimately it was connected with the cook-shop! The
+victims to the intoxicating qualities of pickled salmon, oyster-sauce,
+and lobster salad, are innumerable; for where one gentleman or lady
+pleads guilty to too much wine, a thousand extenuate on the score of
+indigestion. We are aware that the disorganisation of the digestive
+powers is very prevalent--about one or two in the morning--and we have
+no doubt the Conservative friends of Captain Rous, who patriotically
+contributed five shillings each to the Queen, and one gentleman (a chum
+of our own at Cheam, if we mistake not) a sovereign to the poor-box,
+were all doubtlessly suffering from this cause, combined with their
+enthusiasm for the gallant Rous, and--_proh pudor!_--Burdett.
+
+How much, then, are we indebted to our cooks! those perspiring
+professors of gastronomy and their valuable assistants--the industrious
+scullery-maids. Let not the Melbourne opposition to this meritorious
+class, be supported by the nation at large; for England would soon
+cease to occupy her present proud pre-eminence, did her rulers, her
+patriots, and her heroes, sit down to cold mutton, or the villanously
+dressed "joints ready from 12 to 5." Justice is said to be the
+foundation of all national prosperity--we contend that it is
+repletion--that Mr. Toole, the toast-master, is the only embodiment of
+fame, and that true glory consists of a gratuitous participation in
+"Three courses and a dessert!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+INQUEST--NOT EXTRAORDINARY.
+
+  Great Bulwer's works fell on Miss Basbleu's head.
+  And, in a moment, lo! the maid was dead!
+  A jury sat, and found the verdict plain--
+  "She died of _milk_ and _water on the brain_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH'S PENCILLINGS.--NO. VII.
+
+[Illustration: TRIMMING A W(H)IG.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+NAPOLEON'S STATUE AT BOULOGNE.
+
+    [The bronze statue of Napoleon which was last placed on the summit
+    of the grand column at Boulogne with extraordinary ceremony, has
+    been turned, by design or accident, with its back to England.]
+
+  Upon its lofty column's stand,
+    Napoleon takes his place;
+  His back still turned upon that land
+    That never saw his face.
+
+
+THE HIEROGLYPHIC DECIPHERED.
+
+The letters V.P.W. scratched by some person on the brow of the statue
+of Napoleon while it lay on the ground beside the column, which were
+supposed to stand for the insulting words _Vaincu par Wellington_, have
+given great offence to the French. We have authority for contradicting
+this unjust explanation. The letters are the work of an ambitious
+Common Councilman of Portsoken Ward, who, wishing to associate himself
+with the great Napoleon, scratched on the bronze the initials of his
+name--V.P.W.--VILLIAM PAUL WENABLES.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    [Transcriber's note: This was marked as "NO. 3", but it is the 5th
+    one of the series.]
+
+SONGS FOR THE SENTIMENTAL.--NO. 5.
+
+  "O fly with me, lady, my gallant _destrere_
+    Is as true as the brand by my side;
+  Through flood and o'er moorland his master he'll bear,
+    With the maiden he seeks for a bride."
+  This, this was the theme of the troubadour's lay,
+    And thus did the lady reply:--
+  "Sir knight, ere I trust thee, look hither and say,
+    Do you see any green in my eye?"
+
+  "O, doubt me not, lady, my lance shall maintain
+    That thou'rt peerless in beauty and fame;
+  And the bravest should eat of the dust of the plain,
+    Who would quaff not a cup to thy name."
+  "I doubt not thy prowess in list or in fray,
+    For none dare thy courage belie;
+  And I'll trust thee, though kindred and priest say me nay--
+    When you see any green in my eye!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+TO POLITICAL WRITERS,
+
+AND TO THE EDITOR OF THE "TIMES" IN PARTICULAR.
+
+Mr. Solomons begs to announce to reporters of newspapers, that he has
+constructed, at a very great expense, several sets of new glasses,
+which will enable the wearer to see as small or as great a number of
+auditors, at public conferences and political meetings, as may suit his
+purpose. Mr. Solomons has also invented a new kind of ear-trumpet,
+which will enable a reporter to hear only such portions of an harangue
+as may be in accordance with his political bias; or should there be
+nothing uttered by any speaker that may suit his purpose, these
+ear-trumpets will change the sounds of words and the construction of
+sentences in such a way as to be incontrovertible, although every
+syllable should be diverted from its original meaning and intention.
+They have also the power of larding a speech with "loud cheers," or
+"strong disapprobation."
+
+These valuable inventions have been in use for some years by Mr.
+Solomons' respected friend, the editor of the _Times_; but no publicity
+has been given to them, until Mr. S. had completely tested their
+efficacy. He has now much pleasure in subjoining, for the information
+of the public, the following letter, of the authenticity of which Mr.
+S. presumes no one can entertain a doubt.
+
+LETTER FROM THE EDITOR OF THE "TIMES."
+
+It is with much pleasure that I am enabled, my dear Solomons, to give
+my humble testimony in favour of your new political glasses and
+ear-trumpet. By their invaluable aid I have been enabled, for some
+years, to see and hear just what suited my purpose. I have recommended
+them to my _protege_, Sir Robert Peel, who has already tried the
+glasses, and, I am happy to state, does not see quite so many
+objections to a fixed duty as he did before using these wonderful
+illuminators. The gallant Sibthorp (at my recommendation) carried one
+of your ear-trumpets to the House on Friday last, and states that he
+heard his honoured leader declare, "that the Colonel was the only man
+who ought to be Premier--after himself."
+
+If these testimonies are of any value to you, publish them by all
+means, and believe me.
+
+Yours faithfully,
+JOHN WALTER.
+_Printing House Square._
+
+Mr. S. begs to state, that though magnifying and diminishing glasses
+are no novelty, yet his invention is the only one to suit the interest
+of parties without principle.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+CON. BY THEODORE HOOK.
+
+"What sentimental character does the re-elected Speaker remind you
+of?"--Ans. by Croker: "P_(shaw!) Lefevre_, to be sure."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A CRUEL DISAPPOINTMENT.
+
+We regret to state that the second ball at the Boulogne _fete_ was
+simply remarkable from "its having gone off without any disturbance."
+Where _were_ the national guards?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+UNSATISFACTORY CONDITION OF FOREIGN BEEF--(CAUTION TO GOURMANDS).
+
+A corresponedent of the _Times_ forwards the alarming intelligence that
+at the Boulogne Races the _stakes_ never _fill_! Sibthorp, the gifted
+Sib, ever happy at expedients, ingeniously recommends a _trial_ of the
+_chops_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A TRIFLE FROM LITTLE TOMMY.
+
+TO AN ELDERLY BEAUTY.
+
+  "Ah! Julia, time all tilings destroys,
+    The heart, the blood, the pen;
+  But come, I'll re-enact young joy
+    And be myself again.
+
+  "Yet stay, sweet Julia, how is this
+    Thine are not lips at all;
+  Your face is _plastered_, and you kiss,
+    Like Thisbe--_through a wall_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PROSPECTUS FOR A PROVIDENT ANNUITY COMPANY.
+
+1. The capital of this Company is to consist of L0,000,001; one-half of
+it to be vested in Aldgate Pump, and the other moiety in the Dogger
+Bank.
+
+2. Shares, at L50 each, will be issued to any amount; and interest paid
+thereon when convenient.
+
+3. A board, consisting of twelve directors, will be formed; but, to
+save trouble, the management of the Company's affairs will be placed in
+the hands of the secretary.
+
+4. The duties of trustees, auditor, and treasurer, will also be
+discharged by the secretary.
+
+5. Each shareholder will he presented with a gratuitous copy of the
+Company's regulations, printed on fine foolscap.
+
+6. Individuals purchasing annuities of this company, will be allowed a
+large-rate of interest on paper for their money, calculated on an
+entirely novel sliding-scale. Annuitants will be entitled to receive
+their annuities whenever they can get them.
+
+7. The Company's office will be open at all hours for the receipt of
+money; but it is not yet determined at what time the paying branch of
+the department will come into operation.
+
+8. The secretary will be allowed the small salary of L10,000 a-year.
+
+9. In order to simplify the accounts, there will be no books kept. By
+this arrangement, a large saving will be effected in the article of
+clerks, &c.
+
+10. The annual profits of the company will be fixed at 20 per cent.,
+but it is expected that there will be no inquiry made after dividends.
+
+11. All monies received for and by the company, to be deposited in the
+breeches-pocket of the secretary, and not to be withdrawn from thence
+without his special sanction.
+
+12. The establishment to consist of a secretary and porter.
+
+13. The porter is empowered to act as secretary in the absence of that
+officer; and the secretary is permitted to assist the porter in the
+arduous duties of his situation.
+
+*** Applications for shares or annuities to be made to the secretary of
+the Provident Annuity Company, No. 1, Thieves Inn.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+AWFUL ACCIDENT.
+
+Our reporter has just forwarded an authentic statement, in which he
+vouches, with every appearance of truth, that "Lord Melbourne dined at
+home on Wednesday last." The neighbourhood is in an agonising state of
+excitement.
+
+FURTHER PARTICULARS.
+
+(_Particularly exclusive_.)
+
+Our readers will be horrified to learn the above is not the whole
+extent of this alarming event. From a private source of the highest
+possible credit, we are informed that his "Lordship also took tea."
+
+FURTHEST PARTICULARS.
+
+Great Heavens! when will our painful duties end? We tremble as we
+write,--may we be deceived!--but we are compelled to announce the
+agonising fact--"he also supped!"
+
+BY EXPRESS.
+
+(_From our own reporter on the spot_!)
+
+DEAR SIR,--"The dinner is fatally true! but, I am happy to state, there
+are doubts about the tea, and you may almost wholly contradict the
+supper."
+
+SECOND EXPRESS.
+
+"I have only time to say, things are not so bad! The tea is disproved,
+and the supper was a gross exaggeration.
+
+"N.B. My horse is dead!"
+
+THIRD EXPRESS.
+
+Hurrah! Glorious news! There is no truth in the above fearful rumour;
+it is false from beginning to end, and, doubtless, had its vile origin
+from some of the "adverse faction," as it is clearly of such a nature
+as to convulse the country. To what meanness will not these Tories
+stoop, for the furtherance of their barefaced schemes of oppression and
+pillage! The facts they have so grossly distorted with their tortuous
+ingenuity and demoniac intentions, are simply these:--A saveloy was
+ordered by one of the upper servants (who is on board wages, and finds
+his own kitchen fire), the boy entrusted with its delivery mistook the
+footman for his lordship. This is very unlikely, as the man is willing
+to make an affidavit he had "just cleaned himself," and therefore, it
+is clear the boy must have been a paid emissary. But the public will be
+delighted to learn, to prevent the possibility of future
+mistakes--"John" has been denuded of his whiskers--the only features
+which, on a careful examination, presented the slightest resemblance to
+his noble master. In fact, otherwise the fellow is remarkably
+good-looking.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+HINTS TO NEW MEMBERS.
+
+BY AN OLD TRIMMER.
+
+It being now an established axiom that every member goes into
+Parliament for the sole purpose of advancing his own private interest,
+and not, as has been ignorantly believed, for the benefit of his
+country or the constituency he represents, it becomes a matter of vast
+importance to those individuals who have not had the advantage of long
+experience in the house, to be informed of the mode usually adopted by
+honourable members in the discharge of their legislative duties. With
+this view the writer, who has, for the last thirty years, done business
+on both sides of the house, and always with the strictest regard to the
+main chance, has collected a number of hints for the guidance of
+juvenile members, of which the following are offered as a sample:--
+
+HINT 1.--It is a vulgar error to imagine that a man, to be a member of
+Parliament, requires either education, talents, or honesty: all that it
+is necessary for him to possess is--impudence and humbug!
+
+HINT 2.--When a candidate addresses a constituency, he should promise
+everything. Some men will only pledge themselves to what their
+conscience considers right. Fools of this sort can never hope to be
+
+[Illustration: RETURNED BY A LARGE MAJORITY.]
+
+HINT 3.--Oratory is a showy, but by no means necessary, accomplishment
+in the house. If a member knows when to say "Ay" or "No," it is quite
+sufficient for all useful purposes.
+
+HINT 4.--If, however, a young member should be seized with, the desire
+of speaking in Parliament, he may do so without the slighest regard to
+sense, as the reporters in the gallery are paid for the purpose of
+making speeches for honourable members; and on the following morning he
+may calculate on seeing, in the columns of the daily papers, a full
+report of his splendid
+
+[Illustration: MAIDEN SPEECH.]
+
+HINT 5.--A knowledge of the exact time to cry "Hear, hear!" is
+absolutely necessary. A severe cough, when a member of the opposite
+side of the house is speaking, is greatly to be commended; cock-crowing
+is also a desirable qualification for a young legislator, and, if
+judiciously practised, cannot fail to bring the possessor into the
+notice of his party.
+
+HINT 6.--The back seats in the gallery are considered, by several
+members, as the most comfortable for taking a nap on.
+
+HINT 7.--If one honourable member wishes to tell another honourable
+member that he is anything but a gentleman, he should be particular to
+do so within the walls of the house--as, in that case, the Speaker will
+put him under arrest, to prevent any unpleasant consequences arising
+from his hasty expressions.
+
+HINT 8.--If a member promise to give his vote to the minister, he must
+in honour do so--unless he happen to fall asleep in the smoking-room,
+and so gets shut out from the division of the house.
+
+HINT 9.--No independent member need trouble himself to understand the
+merits of any question before the house. He may, therefore, amuse
+himself at Bellamy's until five minutes before the Speaker's bell rings
+for a division.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+RATHER SUICIDAL.
+
+"The health of the Earl of Winchilsea and the Conservative members of
+the House of Peers," was followed, amid intense cheering, with the glee
+of
+
+  "Swearing death to traitor slaves!"--_Times_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+NOVEL EXPERIMENT.--GREAT SCREW.
+
+Several scientific engineers have formed themselves into a company, and
+are about applying for an Act of Parliament to enable them to take a
+lease of Joe Hume, for the purpose of opposing the Archimedean Screw.
+Public feeling is already in favour of the "Humedean," and the "Joe"
+shares are rising rapidly.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH'S INFORMATION FOR THE PEOPLE.--NO. 3.
+
+One of the expedients adopted by the cheap-knowledge-mongers to convey
+so-called "information" to the vulgar, has been, we flatter ourselves,
+successfully imitated in our articles on the Stars and the Thermometer.
+They are by writers engaged expressly for the respective subjects,
+because they will work cheaply and know but little of what they are
+writing about, and therefore make themselves the better understood by
+the equally ignorant. We do hope that they have not proved themselves
+behindhand in popular humbug and positive error, and that the blunders
+in "the Thermometer"[3] are equally as amusing as those of the then
+big-wig who wrote the treatise on "Animal Mechanics," published by our
+rival Society for Diffusing Useful Knowledge.
+
+[3] One of these blunders the author must not be commended for; it is
+attributable to a facetious mistake of the printer. In giving the
+etymology of the Thermometer, it should have been "measure of _heat_,"
+and not "measure of _feet_." We scorn to deprive our devil of a joke so
+worthy of him.
+
+Another of their methods for obtaining cheap knowledge it is now our
+intention to adopt. Having got the poorest and least learned authors we
+could find (of course for cheapness) for our former pieces of
+information, we have this time engaged a gentleman to mystify a few
+common-place subjects, in the style of certain articles in the "Penny
+Cyclopaedia." As his erudition is too profound for ordinary
+comprehensions--as he scorns gain--as the books he has hitherto
+published (no, privated) have been printed at his own expense, for the
+greater convenience of reading them himself, for nobody else does
+so--as, in short, he is in reality a cheap-knowledge man, seeing that
+he scorns pay, and we scorn to pay him--we have concluded an engagement
+with him for fourteen years.
+
+The subject on which we have directed him to employ his vast scientific
+acquirements, is one which must come home to the firesides of the
+married and the bosoms of the single, namely, the art of raising a
+flame; in humble imitation of some of Young's Knights' Thoughts, which
+are directed to the object of lightening the darkness of servants,
+labourers, artisans, and chimney-sweeps, and in providing guides to the
+trades or services of which they are already masters or mistresses. We
+beg to present our readers with
+
+PUNCH'S GUIDE TO SERVICE;
+
+OR,
+
+[Illustration: THE HOUSEMAID'S BEST FRIEND.]
+
+CHAPTER 1.
+
+ON THE PROCESS AND RATIONALE OF LIGHTING FIRES.
+
+Take a small cylindrical aggregation of parallelopedal sections of the
+ligneous fibre (vulgarly denominated a bundle of fire-wood), and
+arrange a fractional part of the integral quantity rectilineally along
+the interior of the igneous receptacle known as a grate, so as to form
+an acute angle (of, say 25 deg.) with its base; and one (of, say 65 deg.) with
+the posterior plane that is perpendicular to it; taking care at the
+same time to leave between each parallelopedal section an insterstice
+isometrical with the smaller sides of any one of their six
+quadrilateral superficies, so as to admit of the free circulation of
+the atmospheric fluid. Superimposed upon this, arrange several
+moderate-sized concretions of the hydro-carburetted substance (_vulgo_
+coal), approximating in figure as nearly as possible to the rhombic
+dodecahedron, so that the solid angles of each concretion may
+constitute the different points of contact with those immediately
+adjacent. Insert into the cavity formed by the imposition of the
+ligneous fibre upon the inferior transverse ferruginous bar, a sheet of
+laminated lignin, or paper, compressed by the action of the digits into
+an irregular spheroid.
+
+These preliminary operations having been skilfully performed, the
+process of combustion may be commenced. For this purpose, a smaller
+woody paralleloped--the extremities of which have been previously
+dipped in sulphur in a state of liquefaction--must be ignited and
+applied to the laminated lignin, or waste paper, and so elevate its
+temperature to a degree required for its combustion, which will be
+communicated to the ligneous superstructure; this again raises the
+temperature of the hydro-carburet concretion, and liberates its
+carburetted hydrogen in the form of gas; which gas, combining with the
+oxygen of the atmosphere, enters into combustion, and a general
+ignition ensues. This, in point of fact, constitutes what is popularly
+termed--"lighting a fire."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+AN IMMINENT BREACH.
+
+In an action lately tried at the Cork Assizes, a lady obtained _fifteen
+hundred pounds damages_, for a breach of promise of marriage, against a
+faithless lover. Lady Morgan sends us the following trifle on the
+subject:--
+
+  What! _fifteen hundred!_--'tis a sum severe;
+    The fine by far the injury o'erreaches.
+  For _one_ poor _breach_ of promise 'tis too dear--
+    'Twould be sufficient for a _pair of breaches_!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SCHOOL OF DESIGN.
+
+Several designing individuals, whose talents for _drawing_ on paper are
+much greater than those of Charles Kean for drawing upon the stage, met
+together at Somerset House, on Monday last, to distribute prizes among
+their scholars. Prince Albert presided, gave away the prizes with great
+suavity, and made a speech which occupied exactly two seconds and
+a-half.
+
+The first prize was awarded to Master Palmerston, for a successful
+_design_ for completely frustrating certain commercial _views_ upon
+China, and for his new invention of _auto-painting_. Prize: an order
+upon Truefit for a new wig.
+
+Master John Russell was next called up.--This talented young gentleman
+had designed a gigantic "penny loaf;" which, although too immense for
+practical use, yet, his efforts having been exclusively directed to
+fanciful design, and not to practical possibility, was highly
+applauded. Master Russell also evinced a highly precocious talent for
+_drawing_--his salary. Prize: a splendidly-bound copy of the New
+Marriage Act.
+
+The fortunate candidate next upon the list, was Master Normanby. This
+young gentleman brought forward a beautiful design for a new prison, so
+contrived for criminals to be excluded from light and society, in any
+degree proportionate with their crimes. This young gentleman was
+brought up in Ireland, but there evinced considerable talent in
+_drawing_ prisoners out of durance vile. He was much complimented on
+the salutary effect upon his studies, which his pupilage at the school
+of design had wrought. Prize: an order from Colburn for a new novel.
+
+Master Melbourne, who was next called up, seemed a remarkably fine boy
+of his age, though a little too old for his short jacket. He had
+signalised himself by an exceedingly elaborate _design_ for the
+Treasury benches. This elicited the utmost applause; for, by this plan,
+the seats were so ingeniously contrived, that, once occupied, it would
+be a matter of extreme difficulty for the sitter to be _absquatulated_,
+even by main force. Prize: a free ticket to the licensed victuallers'
+dinner.
+
+The Prince then withdrew, amidst the acclamations of the assembled
+multitude.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A HINT TO THE NEW LORD CHAMBERLAIN.
+
+There is always much difference of opinion existing as to the number of
+theatres which ought to be licensed in the metropolis. Our friend Peter
+Borthwick, whose mathematical acquirements are only equalled by his
+"_heavy fathers_," has suggested the following formula whereby to
+arrive at a just conclusion:--Take the number of theatres, multiply by
+the public-houses, and divide by the dissenting chapels, and the
+quotient will be the answer. This is what Peter calls
+
+[Illustration: COMING TO A DIVISION.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+VOCAL EVASION.
+
+LADY B---- (who, it is rumoured, has an eye to the bedchamber) was
+interrogating Sir Robert Peel a little closer than the wily minister
+_in futuro_ approved of. After several very evasive answers, which had
+no effect on the lady's pertinacity, Sir Robert made her a graceful
+bow, and retired, humming the favourite air of--
+
+[Illustration: "OH! I CANNOT GIVE EXPRESSION."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A PUN FROM THE ROW.
+
+It is asserted that a certain eminent medical man lately offered to a
+publisher in Paternoster-row a "Treatise on the Hand," which the worthy
+bibliopole declined with a shake of the head, saying, "My dear sir, we
+have got too many _treatises on our hands_ already."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PLEASURES OF HOPE (RATHER EXPENSIVE).
+
+The _Commerce_ states "the cost of the mansion now building for Mr.
+Hope, in the Rue St. Dominique, including furniture and objects of art,
+is estimated at six hundred thousand pounds!"--[If this is an attribute
+of _Hope_, what is reality?--ED. PUNCH.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+FASHIONS FOR THE MONTH.
+
+We perceive that the severity of the summer has prevented the entire
+banishment of furs in the fashionable _quartiers_ of the metropolis. We
+noticed three fur caps, on Sunday last, in Seven Dials. Beavers are,
+however, superseded by gossamers; the crowns of which are, among the
+elite of St. Giles's, jauntily opened to admit of ventilation, in
+anticipation of the warm weather. Frieze coats are fast giving way to
+pea-jackets; waistcoats, it is anticipated, will soon be discarded, and
+brass buttons are completely out of vogue.
+
+We have not noticed so many highlows as Bluchers upon the
+understandings of the promenaders of Broad-street. Ancle-jacks are, we
+perceive, universally adopted at the elegant _soirees dansantes_,
+nightly held at the "Frog and Fiddle," in Pye-street, Westminster.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+ARTISTIC EXECUTION.
+
+We understand that Sir M.A. Shee is engaged in painting the portraits
+of Sir Willoughhy Woolston Dixie and Mr. John Bell, the lately-elected
+member for Thirsk, which are intended for the exhibition at the Royal
+Academy. If Folliot Duff's account of their dastardly conduct in the
+Waldegrave affair be correct, we cannot _imagine_ two gentlemen more
+worthy the labours of the
+
+[Illustration: HANGING COMMITTEE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+NEW PARLIAMENTARY RETURNS.
+
+We have been informed, on authority upon which we have reason to place
+much reliance, that several distinguished members of the upper and
+lower houses of Parliament intend moving for the following important
+returns early in the present session:--
+
+IN THE LORDS.
+
+Lord Palmerston will move for a return of all the _papillote_ papers
+contained in the red box at the Foreign Office.
+
+The Duke of Wellington will move for a return of the Tory taxes.
+
+The Marquis of Downshire will move for a return of his political
+honesty.
+
+Lord Melbourne will move for a return of place and power.
+
+The Marquis of Westmeath will move for a return of the days when he was
+young.
+
+The Marquis Wellesley will move for a return of the pap-spoons
+manufactured in England for the last three years.
+
+IN THE COMMONS.
+
+Sir Francis Burdett will move for a return of his popularity in
+Westminster.
+
+Lord John Russell will move that the return of the Tories to office is
+extremely inconvenient.
+
+Captain Rous will move for a return of the number of high-spirited
+Tories who were conveyed on stretchers to the different station-houses,
+on the night of the ever-to-be-remembered Drury-lane dinner.
+
+Sir E.L. Bulwer will move for a return of all the half-penny ballads
+published by Catnach and Co. during the last year.
+
+Morgan O'Connell will move for a return of all the brogues worn by the
+bare-footed peasantry of Ireland.
+
+Colonel Sibthorp will move for a return of his wits.
+
+Peter Borthwick will move for a return of all the kettles convicted of
+singing on the Sabbath-day.
+
+Sir Robert Peel will move for a return of all the ladies of the
+palace--to the places from whence they came.
+
+Ben D'Israeli will move for a return of all the hard words in Johnson's
+Dictionary.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+RATHER OMINOUS!
+
+The _Sunday Times_ states, that "several of the _heads_ of the
+Conservative party held a conference at _Whitehall_ Gardens!" _Heads_
+and _conferences_ have been cut short enough at the same place ere now!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+HEAVY LIGHTNESS.
+
+  A joke Col. Sibthorp to the journal sent--
+  Appropriate heading--"_Serious Accident_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A MATTER OF COURSE.
+
+The match at cricket, between the Chelsea and Greenwich Pensioners, was
+decided in favour of the latter. Captain Rous says, no great wonder,
+considering the winners bad the majority of _legs_ on their side. The
+Hyllus affair has made him an authority.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE DRAMA.
+
+THE ITALIAN OPERA.
+
+RETIREMENT OF RUBINI.
+
+(_Exclusive_.)
+
+    N.B.--PUNCH is delighted to perceive, from the style of this
+    critique, that, though anonymously sent, it is manifestly from the
+    pen of the elegant critic of the _Morning Post_.
+
+
+[Illustration: O]On a review of the events of the past season, the
+_souvenirs_ it presents are not calculated to elevate the character of
+the arts _di poeta_ and _di musica_, of which the Italian Opera is
+composed. The only decided _nouveautes_ which made their appearance,
+were "Fausta," and "Roberto Devereux," both of them _jejune_ as far as
+regards their _libretto_ and the _composita musicale_. The latter
+opera, however, serving as it did to introduce a pleasing
+_rifacciamento_ of the lamented Malibran, in her talented sister
+Pauline (Madame Viardot), may, on that account, be remembered as a
+pleasing reminiscence of the past season.
+
+The evening of Saturday, Aug. 21st, will long be remembered by the
+_habitues_ of the Opera. From exclusive sources (which have been opened
+to us at a very considerable expense) we are enabled to
+communicate--_malheureusement_--that with the close of the _saison de_
+1841, the _corps operatique_ loses one of its most brilliant ornaments.
+That memorable epocha was chosen by Rubini for making a graceful
+_conge_ to a fashionable audience, amidst an abundance of tears--shed
+in the choicest Italian--and showers of _bouquets_. The subjects chosen
+for representation were _apropos_ in the extreme; all being of a
+_triste_ character, namely, the _atta terzo_ of "Marino Faliero," the
+_finale_ of "Lucia di Lammermoor," and the last _parte_ of "La
+Sonnambula:" these were the chosen vehicles for Rubini's _soiree
+d'adieu_.
+
+As this _tenor primissimo_ has, in a professional _regarde_,
+disappeared from amongst us--as the last echoes of his _voix
+magnifique_ have died away--as he has made a final exit from the public
+_plafond_ to the _coulisses_ of private life--we deem it due to future
+historians of the Italian Opera _de Londres_, to record our admiration,
+our opinions, and our _regrets_ for this great _artiste_.
+
+Signor Rubini is in stature what might be denominated _juste milieu_;
+his _taille_ is graceful, his _figure_ pleasing, his eyes full of
+expression, his hair bushy: his _comport_ upon the stage, when not
+excited by passion, is full of _verve_ and _brusquerie_, but in
+passages which the _Maestro_ has marked "_con passione_" nothing can
+exceed the elegance of his attitudes, and the pleasing dignity of his
+gestures. After, _par exemple_, the _recitativi_, what a pretty
+_empressement_ he gave (alas! that we must now speak in the past
+tense!) to the _tonic_ or _key-note_, by _locking_ his arms in each
+other over his _poitrine_--by that after expansion of them--that clever
+_alto_ movement of the toes--that apparent embracing of the _fumes des
+lampes_--how touching! Then, while the _sinfonia_ of the _andante_ was
+in progress, how gracefully he turned _son dos_ to the delighted
+auditors, and made an interesting _promenade au fond_, always
+contriving to get his finely-arched nose over the _lumieres_ at the
+precise point of time (we speak in a musical sense) where the word
+"_voce_" is marked in the score. His pantomime to the _allegri_ was no
+less captivating; but it was in the _stretta_ that his beauty of action
+was most exquisitely apparent; there, worked up by an elaborate
+_crescendo_ (the _motivo_ of which is always, in the Italian school, a
+simple progression of the diatonic scale), the _furor_ with which this
+_cantratice_ hurried his hands into the thick clumps of his picturesque
+_perruque_, and seemed to tear its _cheveux_ out by the roots (without,
+however, disturbing the celebrated side-parting a single hair)--the
+vigour with which he beat his breast--his final expansion of arms,
+elevation of toes, and the impressive _frappe_ of his right foot upon
+the stage immediately before disappearing behind the _coulisses_--must
+be fresh in the _souvenir_ of our _dilettanti_ readers.
+
+But how shall we _parle_ concerning his _voix_? That exquisite organ,
+whose _falsetto_ emulated the sweetness of flutes, and reached to A
+flat _in altissimo_--the _voce media_ of which possessed an unequalled
+_aplomb_, whose deep double G must still find a well-in-tune echo in
+the _tympanum_ of every _amateur_ of taste. _That_, we must confess, as
+critics and theoretical musicians, causes us considerable _embarras_
+for words to describe. Who that heard it on Saturday last, has yet
+recovered the ravishing sensation produced by the thrilling tremour
+with which Rubini _gave_ the _Notte d'Orrore_, in Rossini's "Marino
+Faliero?" Who can forget the _recitativo con andante et allegro_, in
+the last scene of "La Sonnambula;" or the burst of anguish _con
+expressivissimo_, when accused of treason, while personating his
+favourite _role_ in "Lucia di Lammermoor?" Ah! those who suffered
+themselves to be detained from the opera on Saturday last by mere
+illness, or other light causes, will, to translate a forcible
+expression in the "Inferno" of Dante, "go down with sorrow to the
+grave." To them we say, Rubini _est parti_--gone!--he has sent forth
+his last _ut_--concluded his last _re_--his ultimate note has
+sounded--his last _billet de banque_ is pocketed--he has, to use an
+emphatic and heart-stirring _mot_, "_coupe son baton!_"
+
+It is due to the _sentimens_ of the audience of Saturday, to notice the
+evident regret with which they received Rubini's _adieux_; for, towards
+the close of the evening, the secret became known. Animated
+_conversazioni_ resounded from almost every box during many of his most
+charming _piano_ passages (and never will his _sotto-voce_ be
+equalled)--the _beaux esprits_ of the pit discussed his merits with
+audible _gout_; while the gallery and upper stalls remained in mute
+grief at the consciousness of that being the _derniere fois_ they would
+ever be able to hear the sublime _voce-di-testa_ of Italy's prince of
+_tenori_.
+
+Although this retirement will make the present _cloture_ of the opera
+one of the most memorable _evenemens_ in _les annales de l'opera_, yet
+some remarks are demanded of us upon the other _artistes_. In "Marino
+Faliero," Lablache came the _Dodge_ with remarkable success. Madlle.
+Loewe, far from deserving her _bas nom_, was the height of perfection,
+and gave her celebrated _scena_ in the last-named opera _avec une force
+superbe_. Persiani looked remarkably well, and wore a most becoming
+_robe_ in the _role_ of Amina.
+
+Of the _danseuses_ we have hardly space to speak. Cerito exhibited the
+"poetry of motion" with her usual skill, particularly in a difficult
+_pas_ with Albert. The ballet was "Le Diable Amoureux," and the stage
+was watered between each act.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE GREAT UNACTABLES.
+
+It seems that the English Opera-house has been taken for _twelve
+nights_, to give "_a free stage and fair play_" to "EVERY ENGLISH
+LIVING DRAMATIST." Considering that the Council of the Dramatic
+Authors' Theatre comprises at least half-a-dozen Shakspeares in their
+own conceit, to say nothing of one or two _Rowes_ (soft ones of
+course), a sprinkling of Otways, with here and there a Massinger, we
+may calculate pretty correctly how far the stage they have taken
+possession of is likely to be _free_, or the _play_ to be _fair_
+towards _Every English living Dramatist_.
+
+It appears that a small knot of very great geniuses have been, for some
+time past, regularly sending certain bundles of paper, called Dramas,
+round to the different metropolitan theatres, and as regularly
+receiving them back again. Some of these geniuses, goaded to madness by
+this unceremonious treatment, have been guilty of the insanity of
+printing their plays; and, though the "Rejected Addresses" were a very
+good squib, the rejected Dramas are much too ponderous a joke for the
+public to take; so that, while in their manuscript form, they always
+produced speedy _returns_ from the managers, they, in their printed
+shape, caused no _returns_ to the publishers. It is true, that a
+personal acquaintance of some of the authors with Nokes of the _North
+Eastern Independent_, or some other equally-influential country print,
+may have gained for them, now and then, an egregious puff, wherein the
+writers are said to be equal to Goethe, a cut above Sheridan Knowles,
+and the only successors of Shakspeare; but we suspect that "the mantle
+of the Elizabethan poets," which is said to have descended on one of
+these gentry, would, if inspected, turn out to be something more like
+Fitzball's Tagiioni or Dibdin Pitt's Macintosh.
+
+No one can suspect PUNCH of any _prestige_ in favour of the
+restrictions laid upon the drama--for our own free-and-easy habit of
+erecting our theatre in the first convenient street we come to, and
+going through our performance without caring a rush for the Lord
+Chamberlain or the Middlesex magistrates, must convince all who know
+us, that we are for a thoroughly free trade in theatricals; but,
+nevertheless, we think the _Great Unactables_ talk egregious nonsense
+when they prate about the possibility of their efforts working "a
+beneficial alteration in a law which presses so fatally on dramatic
+genius." We think their tom-foolery more likely to induce restrictions
+that may prevent others from exposing their mental imbecility, than to
+encourage the authorities to relax the laws that might hinder them from
+doing so. The boasted compliance with legal requisites in the mode of
+preparing "Martinuzzi" for the stage is not a new idea, and we only
+hope it may be carried out one-half as well as in the instances of
+"Romeo and Juliet as the Law directs," and "Othello according to Act of
+Parliament." There is a vaster amount of humbug in the play-bill of
+this new concern, than in all the open puffs that have been issued for
+many years past from all the regular establishments. The tirade against
+the _law_--the announcement of alterations in conformity with _the
+law_--the hint that the musical introductions are such as "_the law_
+may require"--mean nothing more than this--"if the piece is damned,
+it's _the law_; if it succeeds, it's the _author's genius!_" Now, every
+one who has written for the illegitimate stage, and therefore PUNCH in
+particular, knows very well that the necessity for the introduction of
+music into a piece played at one of the smaller theatres is only
+nominal--that four pieces of verse are interspersed in the copy sent to
+the licenser, but these are such matters of utter course, that their
+invention or selection is generally left to the prompter's genius. The
+piece is, unless essentially musical, licensed with the songs and acted
+without--or, at least, there is no necessity whatever for retaining
+them. Why, therefore, should Mr. Stephens drag "solos, duets, choruses,
+and other musical arrangements," into his drama, unless it is that he
+thinks they will give it a better chance of success? while, in the
+event of failure, he reserves the right of turning round upon the _law_
+and the _music_, which he will declare were the means of damning it.
+
+A set of briefless barristers--all would-be Erskines, Thurlows, or
+Eldons, at the least--might as well complain of the system that
+excludes them from the Woolsack, and take a building to turn it into a
+Court of Chancery on their own account, as that these luckless
+scribblers, all fancying the Elizabethan mantle has fallen flop upon
+their backs, should set themselves up for Shakspeares on their own
+account, and seize on a metropolitan theatre as a temple for the
+enshrinement of their genius.
+
+If PUNCH has dealt hardly with these gentlemen, it is because he will
+bear "no brother near the throne" of humbug and quackery. Like a
+steward who tricks his master, but keeps the rest of the servants
+honest, PUNCH will gammon the public to the utmost of his skill, but he
+will take care that no one else shall exercise a trade of which he
+claims by prescription the entire monopoly.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+1, August 28, 1841, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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