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diff --git a/14925-8.txt b/14925-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c68ce21 --- /dev/null +++ b/14925-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2474 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, +August 28, 1841, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, August 28, 1841 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14925] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG +Online Distributed Proofreading + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 1. + + + +FOR THE WEEK ENDING AUGUST 28, 1841. + + * * * * * + + +THE HEIR OF APPLEBITE. + + +CHAPTER I. + +INTRODUCES THE READER TO THE APPLEBITE FAMILY AND TO AGAMEMNON +COLLUMPSION APPLEBITE IN PARTICULAR. + + +[Illustration: T]The following is extracted from the _Parliamentary +Guide_ for 18--:--"APPLEBITE, ISAAC (_Puddingbury_). Born March 25, +1780; descended from his grandfather, and has issue." And upon +reference to a monument in Puddingbury church, representing the first +Mrs. Applebite (who was a housemaid) industriously scrubbing a large +tea-urn, whilst another figure (supposed to be the second Mrs. +Applebite) is pointing reproachfully to a little fat cherub who is +blowing himself into a fit of apoplexy from some unassignable cause or +another--I say upon reference to this monument, upon which is blazoned +forth all the stock virtues of those who employ stonemasons, I find, +that in July, 18--, the said Isaac was gathered unto Abraham's bosom, +leaving behind him--a seat in the House of Commons--a relict--the issue +aforesaid, and £50,000 in the three per cents. + +The widow Applebite had so arranged matters with her husband, that +two-thirds of the above sum were left wholly and solely to her, as some +sort of consolation under her bereavement of the "best of husbands and +the kindest of fathers." (_Vide_ monument.) Old Isaac must have been a +treasure, for his wife either missed him so much, or felt so desirous +to learn if there was another man in the world like him, that, as soon +as the monument was completed and placed in Puddingbury chancel, she +married a young officer in a dashing dragoon regiment, and started to +the Continent to spend the honeymoon, leaving her son-- + +AGAMEMNON COLLUMPSION APPLEBITE (the apoplectic "cherub" and the +"issue" alluded to in the _Parliamentary Guide_), to the care of +himself. + +A.C.A. was the pattern of what a young man ought to be. He had 16,000 +and odd pounds in the three per cents., hair that curled naturally, +stood five feet nine inches without his shoes, always gave a shilling +to a waiter, lived in a terrace, never stopped out all night (but +once), and paid regularly every Monday morning. Agamemnon Collumpsion +Applebite was a happy bachelor! The women were delighted to see him, +and the men to dine with him: to the one he gave _bouquets_; to the +other, cigars: in short, everybody considered A.C.A. as A1; and A.C.A. +considered that A1 was his proper mark. + +It is somewhat singular, but no man knows when he _is_ really happy: he +may fancy that he wants for nothing, and may even persuade himself that +addition or subtraction would be certain to interfere with the +perfectitude of his enjoyment. He deceives himself. If he wishes to +assure himself of the exact state of his feelings, let him ask his +friends; they are disinterested parties, and will find out some +annoyance that has escaped his notice. It was thus with Agamemnon +Collumpsion Applebite. He had made up his mind that he wanted for +nothing, when it was suddenly found out by his friends that he was in a +state of felicitous destitution. It was discovered simultaneously, by +five mamas and eighteen daughters, that Agamemnon Collumpsion Applebite +_must_ want a wife; and that his sixteen thousand and odd pounds must +be a source of _undivided_ anxiety to him. Stimulated by the most +praiseworthy considerations, a solemn compact was entered into by the +aforesaid five mamas, on behalf of the aforesaid eighteen daughters, by +which they were pledged to use every means to convince Agamemnon +Collumpsion Applebite of his deplorable condition; but no unfair +advantage was to be taken to ensure a preference for any particular one +of the said eighteen daughters, but that the said Agamemnon Collumpsion +Applebite should be left free to exercise his own discretion, so far as +the said eighteen daughters were concerned, but should any other +daughter, of whatever mama soever, indicate a wish to become a +competitor, she was to be considered a common enemy, and scandalized +accordingly. + +Agamemnon Collumpsion Applebite, about ten o'clock on the following +evening, was seated on a sofa, between Mrs. Greatgirdle and Mrs. +Waddledot (the two mamas deputed to open the campaign), each with a cup +of very prime Mocha coffee, and a massive fiddle-pattern tea-spoon. On +the opposite side of the room, in a corner, was a very large cage, in +the sole occupancy of a solitary Java sparrow. + +"My poor bird looks very miserable," sighed Mrs. Greatgirdle, (the +hostess upon this occasion.) + +"Very miserable!" echoed Mrs. Waddledot; and the truth of the remark +was apparent to every one. + +The Java sparrow was moulting and suffering from a cutaneous disorder +at the same time; so what with the falling off, and scratching off of +his feathers, he looked in a most deplorable condition; which was +rendered more apparent by the magnitude of his cage. He seemed like the +_last_ debtor confined in the Queen's Bench. + +"He has never been himself since the death of his mate." (Here the bird +scarified himself with great violence.) "He is so restless; and though +he eats very well, and hops about, he seems to have lost all care of +his person, as though he would put on mourning if he had it." + +"Is there no possibility of dyeing his feathers?" remarked Agamemnon +Collumpsion, feeling the necessity of saying something. + +"It is not the inky cloak, Mr. Applebite," replied Mrs. Greatgirdle, +"that truly indicates regret; but it's here," (laying her hand upon her +left side): "no--there, under his liver wing, that he feels it, poor +bird! It's a shocking thing to live alone." + +"And especially in such a large cage," said Mrs. Waddledot. "_Your +house_ is rather large, Mr. Applebite?" inquired Mrs. Greatgirdle. + +"Rather, ma'am," replied Collumpsion. + +"Ain't you very lonely?" said Mrs. Waddledot and Mrs. Greatgirdle both +in a breath. + +"Why, not--" + +"Very lively, you were going to say," interrupted Mrs. G. + +Now Mrs. G. was wrong in her conjecture of Collumpsion's reply. He was +about to say, "Why, not at all;" but she, of course, knew best what he +ought to have answered. + +"I often feel for you, Mr. Applebite," remarked Mrs. Waddledot; "and +think how strange it is that you, who really are a nice young man--and +I don't say so to flatter you--that you should have been so +unsuccessful with the ladies." + +Collumpsion's vanity was awfully mortified at this idea. + +"It _is_ strange!" exclaimed Mrs. G "I wonder it don't make you +miserable. There is no home, I mean the '_Sweet, sweet_ home,' without +a wife. Try, try again, Mr. Applebite," (tapping his arm as she rose;) +"faint heart never won fair lady." + +"I refused Mr. Waddledot three times, but I yielded at last; take +courage from that, and 24, Pleasant Terrace, may shortly become that +Elysium--a woman's home," whispered Mrs. W., as she rolled gracefully +to a card-table; and accidentally, _of course_, cut the ace of spades, +which she exhibited to Collumpsion with a very mysterious shake of the +head. + +Agamemnon returned to 24, Pleasant Terrace, a discontented man. He felt +that there was no one sitting up for him--nothing but a rush-light--the +dog might bark as he entered, but no voice was there to welcome him, +and with a heavy heart he ascended the two stone steps of his dwelling. + +He took out his latch-key, and was about to unlock the door, when a +loud knocking was heard in the next street. Collumpsion paused, and +then gave utterance to his feelings. "That's music--positively music. +This is my house--there's my name on the brass-plate--that's my +knocker, as I can prove by the bill and receipt; and, yet, here I am +about to sneak in like a burglar. Old John sha'n't go to bed another +night; I'll not indulge the lazy scoundrel any longer, Yet the poor old +fellow nursed me when a child. I'll compromise the matter--I'll knock, +and let myself in." So saying, Collumpsion thumped away at the door, +looked around to see that he was unobserved, applied his latch-key, and +slipped into his house just as old John, in a state of great alarm and +undress, was descending the stairs with a candle and a boot-jack. + + * * * * * + + +AN ACUTE ANGLE. + +We read in the _Glasgow Courier_ of an enormous salmon hooked at Govan, +which measured three feet, three inches in length. The _Morning Herald_ +mentions several gudgeons of twice the size, caught, we understand, by +Alderman Humphery, and conveyed to Town per Blackwall Railway. + + * * * * * + + +[Illustration] + +IMPORTANT NEWS FROM CHINA. + +ARRIVAL OF THE OVERLAND MAIL! + + +_August 28, 1841._ + +We have received expresses from the Celestial Empire by our own private +electro-galvanic communication. As this rapid means of transmission +carries dispatches so fast that we generally get them even before they +are written, we are enabled to be considerably in advance of the common +daily journals; more especially as we have obtained news up to the end +of next week. + +The most important paper which has come to hand is the _Macao Sunday +Times_. It appears that the fortifications for surrounding Pekin are +progressing rapidly, but that the government have determined upon +building the ramparts of japanned canvas and bamboo rods, instead of +pounded rice, which was thought almost too fragile to resist the +attacks of the English barbarians. Some handsome guns, of blue and +white porcelain, have been placed on the walls, with a proportionate +number of carved ivory balls, elaborately cut one inside the other. +These, it is presumed, will split upon firing, and produce incalculable +mischief and confusion. Within the gates a frightful magazine of gilt +crackers, and other fireworks, has been erected; which, in the event of +the savages penetrating the fortifications, will be exploded one after +another, to terrify them into fits, when they will be easily captured. +This precaution has been scarcely thought necessary by some of the +mandarins, as our great artist, Wang, has covered the external +joss-house with frantic figures that, must strike terror to every +barbarian. Gold paper has also been kept constantly burning, on altars +of holy clay, at every practicable point of the defences, which it is +hardly thought they will have the hardihood to approach, and the sacred +ducks of Fanqui have been turned loose in the river to retard the +progress of the infidel fleet. + +During the storm of last week the portcullis, which hail been placed in +the northern gate, and was composed of solid rice paper, with +cross-bars of chop-sticks, was much damaged. It is now under repair, +and will be coated entirely with tea-chest lead, to render it perfectly +impregnable. The whole of the household troops and body-guard of the +emperor have also received new accoutrements of tin-foil and painted +isinglass. They have likewise been armed with varnished bladders, +containing peas and date stones, which produce a terrific sound upon +the least motion. + +An Englishman has been gallantly captured this morning, in a small +boat, by one of our armed junks. He will eat his eyes in the +Palace-court this afternoon; and then, being enclosed in soft +porcelain, will be baked to form a statue for the new pagoda at +Bo-Lung, the first stone of which was laid by the late emperor, to +celebrate his victory over the rude northern islanders. + + +_Canton_. + +The last order of the government, prohibiting the exportation of tea +and rhubarb, has been issued by the advice of Lin, who translates the +English newspapers to the council. It is affirmed in these journals, +that millions of these desert tribes have no other beverage than tea +for their support. As their oath prohibits any other liquor, they will +be driven to water for subsistence, and, unable to correct its +unhealthy influence by doses of rhubarb, will die miserably. In +anticipation of this event, large catacombs are being erected near +their great city, on the authority of Slo-Lefe-Tee, who visited it last +year, and intends shortly to go there again. The rhubarb prohibition +will, it is said, have a great effect upon the English market for +plums, pickled salmon, and greengages; and the physicians, or disciples +of the great Hum, appear uncertain as to the course to be pursued. + +The emperor has issued a chop to the Hong merchants, forbidding them to +assist or correspond with the invaders, under pain of having their +finger-nails drawn out and rings put in their noses. Howqua resists the +order, and it is the intention of Lin, should he remain obstinate, to +recommend his being pounded up with broken crockery and packed in +Chinese catty packages, to be forwarded, as an example, to the Mandarin +Pidding, of the wild island. + +An English flag, stolen by a deserter from Chusan, will be formally +insulted to-morrow in the market-place, by the emperor and his court. +Dust will be thrown at it, accompanied by derisive grimaces, and it +will be subsequently hoisted, in scorn, to blow, at the mercy of the +winds, upon the summit of the palace, within sight of the barbarians. + + +LEVANT MAIL. + +CONSTANTINOPLE, ALEXANDRIA, AND SMYRNA. + +_August 30._ + +The Sultan got very fuddled last night, with forbidden juice, in the +harem, and tumbled down the ivory steps leading from the apartment of +the favourite, by which accident he seriously cut his nose. Every guard +is to be bastinadoed in consequence, and the wine-merchant will be +privately sewn up in a canvas-bag and thrown into the Bosphorus this +evening. + +A relation of Selim Pacha, despatched by the Sultan to collect taxes in +Beyrout, was despatched by the Syrians a few hours after his arrival. + +The periodical conflagration of the houses, mosques, and synagogues, in +Smyrna, took place with great splendour on the 30th ult., and the next +will be arranged for the ensuing month, when everybody suspected of the +plague will receive orders from the government to remain in their +dwellings until they are entirely consumed. By this salutary +arrangement, it is expected that much improvement will take place in +the public health. + +The inundation of the Nile has also been very favourable this year, The +water has risen higher than usual, and carried off several hundred poor +people. The Board of Guardians of the Alexandria Union are consequently +much rejoiced. + + * * * * * + + +TO MR GREEN, THE INSPECTOR OF HIGHWAYS. + +ON HIS RECENT SKYLARK. + +"The air hath bubbles as the water hath." + + + Huzza! huzza! there goes the balloon-- + 'Tis up like a rocket, and off to the moon! + Now fading from our view, + Or dimly seen; + Now lost in the deep _blue_ + Is Mr. _Green_! + + Pray have a care, + In your path through the air, + And mind well what you do; + For if you chance to slip + Out of your airy ship, + Then _down_ you come, and all is _up_ with you. + + * * * * * + + +FASHIONABLE ARRIVALS. + +Two thousand and thirty-five remarkably fine calves, from their various +rural pasturages at Smithfield. Some of the _heads_ of the party have +since been seen in the very highest society. + + * * * * * + + +ADVICE GRATIS. + +"What will you take?" said Peel to Russell, on adjourning from the +School of Design. "Anything you recommend." "Then let it be your +departure," was the significant rejoinder. + + * * * * * + + +PLEASANT CROPS ABROAD.--A GOOD LOOK OUT FOR THE SYRIANS. + +"French agents are said to _be sowing discontent_ in Syria."--_Sunday +Times_. + + * * * * * + + +THE GENTLEMAN'S OWN BOOK. + +Having advised you in our last paper of "Dress in general," we now +proceed to the important consideration of + +DRESS IN PARTICULAR, + +a subject of such paramount interest and magnitude, that we feel an +Encyclopædia would be barely sufficient for its full developement; and +it is our honest conviction that, until professorships of this truly +noble art are instituted at the different universities, the same +barbarisms of style will be displayed even by those of gentle blood, as +now too frequently detract from the Augustan character of the age. + +To take as comprehensive a view of this subject as our space will +admit, we have divided it into the quality, the cut, the ornaments, and +the pathology. + +THE QUALITY + +comprises _the texture, colour, and age of the materials_. + +Of the texture there are only two kinds compatible with the reputation +of a gentleman--the very fine and the very coarse; or, to speak +figuratively--the Cachmere and the Witney blanket. + +The latter is an emanation from the refinement of the nineteenth +century, for a prejudice in favour of "extra-superfine" formerly +existed, as the coarser textures, now prevalent, were confined +exclusively to common sailors, hackney-coachmen, and bum-bailiffs. +These frivolous distinctions are happily exploded, and the true +gentleman may now show in Saxony, or figure in Flushing--the one being +suggestive of his property, and the other indicative of his taste. +These remarks apply exclusively to woollens, whether for coats or +trousers. + +It is incumbent on every gentleman to have a perfect library of +waistcoats, the selection of which must be regulated by the cost of the +material, as it would be derogatory, in the highest degree, to a man +aspiring to the character of a _distingué_, to decorate his bosom with +a garment that would by any possibility come under the denomination of +"these choice patterns, only 7s. 6d." There are certain designs for +this important decorative adjunct, which entirely preclude them from +the wardrobes of the élite--the imaginative bouquets upon red-plush +grounds, patronised by the ingenious constructors of canals and +rail-roads--the broad and brilliant Spanish striped Valencias, which +distinguish the _savans_ or knowing ones of the stable--the cotton +(must we profane the word!) velvet impositions covered with botanical +diagrams done in distemper, and monopolized by lawyers' clerks and +small professionals--the _positive_ or genuine Genoa velvet, with +violent and showy embellishments of roses, dahlias, and peonies, which +find favour in the eyes of aldermen, attorneys, and the proprietors of +four-wheel chaises, are all to be avoided as the fifth daughter of a +clergyman's widow. + +It is almost superfluous to add, that breeches can only be made of +white leather or white kerseymere, for any other colour or material +would awaken associations of the dancing-master, the waiter, the +butler, or the bumpkin, or, what is equally to be dreaded, "the highly +respectables" of the last century. + +The dressing-gown is a portion of the costume which commands particular +attention; for though no man "can appear as a hero to his valet," he +must keep up the gentleman. This can only be done by the dressing-gown. +To gentlemen who occupy apartments, the _robe de chambre_, if properly +selected, is of infinite advantage; for an Indian shawl or rich +brocaded silk (of which this garment should only be constructed), will +be found to possess extraordinary pacific properties with the landlady, +when the irregularity of your remittances may have ruffled the +equanimity of her temper, whilst you are + +[Illustration: INCLINED TO TAKE IT COOLLY;] + +whereas a gray Duffield, or a cotton chintz, would be certain to induce +deductions highly prejudicial to the respectability of your character, +or, what is of equal importance, to the duration of your credit. + +The colour of your materials should be selected with due regard to the +species of garment and the tone of the complexion. If the face be of +that faint drab which your friends would designate _pallid_, and your +enemies sallow, a coat of pea-green or snuff-brown must be scrupulously +eschewed, whilst black or invisible green would, by contrast, make that +appear delicate and interesting, which, by the use of the former +colours, must necessarily seem bilious and brassy. + +The rosy complexionist must as earnestly avoid all sombre tints, as the +inelegance of a healthful appearance should never be obtrusively +displayed by being placed in juxta-position with colours diametrically +opposite, though it is almost unnecessary to state that any one +ignorant enough to appear of an evening in a coat of any other colour +than blue or black (regimentals, of course, excepted), would certainly +be condemned to a quarantine in the servant's hall. There are colours +which, if worn for trousers by the first peer of the realm, would be as +condemnatory of his character as a gentleman, as levanting on the +settling-day for the Derby. + +The dark drab, which harmonises with the mud--the peculiar +pepper-and-salt which is warranted not to grow gray with age--the +indescribable mixtures, which have evidently been compounded for the +sake of economy, must ever be exiled from the wardrobe and legs of a +gentleman. + +The hunting-coat must be invariably of scarlet, due care being taken +before wearing to dip the tips of the tails in claret or port wine, +which, for new coats, or for those of gentlemen who do _not_ hunt, has +been found to give them an equally veteran appearance with the sweat of +the horse. + +_Of the age_ it is only necessary to state, that a truly fashionable +suit should never appear under a week, or be worn longer than a month +from the time that it left the hands of its parent schneider. +Shooting-coats are exceptions to the latter part of this rule, as a +garment devoted to the field should always bear evidence of long +service, and a new jacket should be consigned to your valet, who, if he +understands his profession, will carefully rub the shoulders with a +hearth-stone and bole-ammonia, to convey the appearance of friction and +the deposite of the rust of the gun[1]. + + [1] Gentlemen who are theoretical, rather than practical sportsmen, + would find it beneficial to have a partridge carefully plucked, + and the feathers sparingly deposited in the pockets of the + shooting-jacket usually applied to the purposes of carrying + game. Newgate Market possesses all the advantages of a + preserved manor. + +Of the cut, ornaments, and pathology of dress, we shall speak next +week, for these are equally essential to ensure + +[Illustration: AN INTRODUCTION TO FASHIONABLE SOCIETY.] + + * * * * * + + +BEGINNING EARLY. + +We are informed by the _Times_ of Saturday, that at the late +Conservative enactment at D.L., not only his Royal Highness Prince +Albert, but the _infant_ Princess Royal, was "drunk, with the usual +honours."--[_Proh pudor!_--PUNCH.] + + * * * * * + + +SIBTHORP'S VERY BEST. + +Sibthorp, meeting Peel in the House of Commons, after congratulating +him on his present enviable position, finished the confab with the +following unrivalled conundrum:--"By the bye, which of your vegetables +does your Tamworth speech resemble!"--"Spinach," replied Peel, who, no +doubt, associated it with _gammon_.--"Pshaw," said the gallant Colonel, +"your rope inions (_your opinions_), to be sure!" Peel opened his +mouth, and never closed it till he took his seat at the table. + + * * * * * + + +BEAUTIFUL COINCIDENCE!--A PAIR OF TOOLS. + +Sir Francis Burdett, the superannuated Tory _tool_, proposed the +Conservative healths; and _Toole_ the second, as toast-master, +announced them to the assemblage. + + * * * * * + + +THE CURRAH CUT; + +OR, HOW WE ALL GOT A FI'PENNY BIT A-PIECE. + + +"Are the two ponies ready?" + +"Yes!" + +"And the ass?" + +"All right!" + +"And you've, all five of you, got your fi'pennies for Tony Dolan, the +barber, at Kells?" + +"Every one of us." + +"Then be off; there's good boys! Ride and tie like Christians, and +don't be going double on the brute beasts; for a bit of a walk now and +then will just stretch your legs. Be back at five to dinner; and let us +see what bucks you'll look with your new-trimmed curls. Stay, there's +another fi'penny; spend that among you, and take care of yourselves, my +little jewels!" + +Such were the parting queries and instructions of my kind old uncle to +five as roaring, mischievous urchins as ever stole whisky to soak the +shamrock on St. Patrick's day. The chief director, schemer, and +perpetrator of all our fun and devilry, was, strange to say, "my cousin +Bob:" the smallest, and, with one exception, the youngest of the party. +But Bob was his grandmother's "ashey pet"--his mother's "jewel"--his +father's "mannikin"--his nurse's "honey"--and the whole world's +"darlin' little devil of a rogue!" The expression of a face naturally +arch, beaming with good humour, and radiant with happy laughter, was +singularly heightened by a strange peculiarity of vision, which I am at +a loss to describe. It was, if the reader can idealise the thing, an +absolute "beauty," which, unfortunately, can only be written about by +the appliances of some term conveying the notion of a blemish. The +glances from his bright eyes seemed to steal out from under their long +fringe, the most reckless truants of exulting mirth. No matter what he +said, he looked a joke. Now for his orders:-- + +"Aisy with you, lads. Cousin Harry, take first ride on St. Patrick (the +name of the ass)--here's a leg up. The two Dicks can have Scrub and +Rasper. Jack and Billy, boys, catch a hold of the bridles, or devil a +ha'p'worth of ride and tie there'll be in at all, if them Dicks get the +start--Shanks' mare will take you to Kells. Don't be galloping off in +that manner, but shoot aisy! Remember, the ass has got to keep up with +you, and I've got to keep up with the ass. That's the thing--steady she +goes! It's an elegant day, and no hurry in life. Spider! come here, +boy--that's right. Down, sir! down, you devil, or wipe your paws. Bad +manners to you--look at them breeches! Never mind, there's a power of +rats at Tony Carroll's barn--it's mighty little out o' the way, and may +be we'll get a hunt. What say you?" + +"A hunt, a hunt, by all manes! there's the fun of it! Come on, +lads--here's the place!--turn off, and go to work! Wait, wait! get a +stick a-piece, and break the necks of 'em! Hurrah!--in Spider!--find +'em boy! Good lad! Tare an ouns, you may well squeak! Good dog! good +dog! that's a grandfather!--we'll have more yet; the family always come +to the ould one's berrin'. I've seen 'em often, and mighty dacent they +behave. Damn Kells and the barber, up with the boords and go to +work!--this is something like sport! Houly Paul, there's one up my +breeches--here's the tail of him--he caught a hould of my +leather-garter. Come out of that, Spider! Spider, here he is--that's +it--give him another shake for his impudence--serve him out! Hurrah!" + +"Fast and furious" grew our incessant urging on of the willing Spider, +for his continued efforts at extermination. At the end of two hours, +the metamorphosed barn was nearly stripped of its flooring--nine huge +rats lay dead, as trophies of our own achievements--the panting Spider, +"by turns caressing, and by turns caressed," licking alternately the +hands and faces of all, as we sat on the low ledge of the doorway, +wagging his close-cut stump of tail, as if he were resolved, by his +unceasing exertions, to get entirely rid of that excited dorsal +ornament. + +"This is the rael thing," said Bob. + +"So it is," said Dick; "but"-- + +"But what?" + +"Why, devil a ha'p'orth of Kells or hair-cutting there's in it." + +"Not a taste," chimed in Jack. + +"Nothing like it," echoed Will. + +"What will we do?" said all at once. There was a short pause--after +which the matter was resumed by Dick, who was intended for a parson, +and therefore rather given to moralising. + +"Life," quoth Dick--"life's uncertain." + +"You may say that," rejoined Bob; "look at them rats." + +"Tony Dowlan's a hard-drinking man, and his mother had fits." + +"Of the same sort," said Bob. + +"Well, then," continued Dick, "there's no knowing--he may be dead--if +so, how could he cut our hair?" + +Here Dick, like Brutus, paused for a reply. Bob produced one. + +"It's a good scheme, but it won't do; the likes of him never does +anything he's wanted to. He's the contrariest ould thief in Ireland! I +wish mama hadn't got a party; we'd do well enough but for that. Never +mind, boys, I've got it. There's Mikey Brian, he's the boy! + +"What for?" + +"To cut the hair of the whole of us." + +"_He_ can't do it." + +"Can't! wait, a-cushla, till I tell you, or, what's better, show you. +Come now, you devils. Look at the heels (Rasper's and Scrub's) of them +ponies! Did ever you see anything like them!--look at the cutting +there--Tony Dowlan never had the knack o' that tasty work in his dirty +finger and thumb--and who done that? Why Mikey Brian--didn't I see him +myself; and isn't he the boy that can 'bang Bannaker' at anything! Oh! +he'll cut us elegant!--he'll do the squad for a fi'penny--and then, +lads, there's them five others will be just one a-piece to buy gut and +flies! Come on, you Hessians!" + +No sooner proposed than acceded to--off we set, for the eulogised +"Bannaker banging Mikey Brian." + +A stout, handsome boy he was--rising four-and-twenty--a fighting, +kissing, rollicking, ball-playing, dancing vagabone, as you'd see in a +day's march--such a fellow as you only meet in Ireland--a bit of a +gardener, a bit of a groom, a bit of a futboy, and a bit of a +horse-docthor. + +We reached the stables by the back way, and there, in his own peculiar +loft, was Mikey Brian, brushing a somewhat faded livery, in which to +wait upon the coming quality. + +Bob stated the case, as far as the want of our locks' curtailment went, +but made no mention of the delay which occasioned our coming to Mikey; +on the contrary, he attributed the preference solely to our conviction +of his superior abilities, and the wish to give him a chance, as he +felt convinced, if he had fair play, he'd be engaged miles round, +instead of the hopping old shaver at Kells. + +"I'm your man, Masther Robert." + +"Who's first?" + +"I am--there's the fi'penny--that's for the lot!" + +"Good luck to you, sit down--will you have the Currah thoro'bred-cut?" + +"That's the thing," said Bob. + +"Then, young gentlement, as there ain't much room--and if you do be all +looking on, I'll be bothered--just come in one by one." + +Out we went, and, in an inconceivably short space, Bob emerged. + +Mikey advising: "Master Robert, dear, keep your hat on for the life of +you, for fear of cowld." A few minutes finished us all. + +"This is elegant," said Bob. "Mikey, it will be the making of you; but +don't say a word till you hear how they'll praise you at dinner." + +"Mum!" said Mikey, and off we rushed. + +I felt rather astonished at the ease with which my hat sat; while those +of the rest appeared ready to fall over their noses. Being in a hurry, +this was passed over. The second dinner-bell rang--we bolted up for a +brief ablution--our hats were thrown into a corner, and, as if by one +consent, all eyes were fixed upon each other's heads! + +Bob gave tongue: "The Devil's skewer to Mikey Brian! and bad luck to +the Currah thoro'bred cut! Not the eighth part of an inch of 'air there +is amongst the set of us. What will the master say? Never mind; we've +got the fi'pennies! Come to dinner!--by the Puck we are beauties!" + +We reached the dining-room unperceived; but who can describe the agony +of my aunt Kate, when she clapped her eyes upon five such close-clipped +scarecrows. She vowed vengence of all sorts and descriptions against +the impudent, unnatural, shameful monster! Terms which Mikey Brian, in +the back-ground, appropriated to himself, and with the utmost +difficulty restrained his rising wrath from breaking out. + +"What," continued aunt Kate, "what does he call this?" + +"It's the thoro'bred Currah-cut, ma'am," said Bob, with one of his +peculiar glances at Mikey and the rest. + +"And mighty cool wearing, I'll be bail," muttered Mikey. + +"Does he call that hair-cutting?" screamed my aunt. + +"That, and nothing but it," quietly retorted Bob, passing his hand over +his head; "you can't deny the cutting, ma'am." + +"The young gentlemen look elegant," said Mikey. + +"I'm told it's all the go, ma'am," said Bob. + +"Wait!" said my aunt, with suppressed rage; "wait till I go to Kells." + +This did not happen for six weeks; our aunt's anger was mollified as +our locks were once more human. Upon upbraiding "Tony Knowlan" the +murder came out. A hearty laugh ensured our pardon, and Mikey Brian's; +and the story of the "thoro'bred Currah-cut" was often told, as the +means by which "we all got a fi'penny bit a-piece."--FUSBOS. + + * * * * * + + +There is a portrait of a person so like him, that, the other day, a +friend who called took no notice whatever of the man, further than +saying he was a good likeness, but asked the portrait to dinner, and +only found out his mistake when he went up to shake hands with it at +parting. + + * * * * * + + +An American hearing that there was a fire in his neighbourhood, and +that it might possibly consume his house, took the precaution to _bolt_ +his own door; that he might be, so far at least, beforehand with the +_devouring_ element. + + * * * * * + + +BAD EITHER WAY. + +The peace, happiness, and prosperity of England, are threatened by +_Peel_; in Ireland, the picture is reversed: the safety of that country +is endangered by _Re-peal_. It would be hard to say which is worst. + + * * * * * + + +A CONSTANT PAIR. + + Jane is a constant wench (so Sibthorp says); + For in how _many_ shops you see _Jean stays_! + + * * * * * + + +A COUNT AND HIS SCHNEIDER. + +The Count's fashioner sent in, the other day, his bill, which was a +pretty considerable time overdue, accompanied by the following polite +note:-- + +"Sir,--Your bill having been for a very long time standing, I beg that +it may be settled forthwith. + +"Yours, +"B----." + + +To which Snip received the following reply:-- + +"Sir,--I am very sorry that your bill should have been kept standing so +long. Pray request it to _sit_ down. + +"Yours, +"**" + + * * * * * + + +NARRATIVE OF AN AWFUL CASE OF EXTREME DISTRESS. + +It was in the year 1808, that myself and seven others resolved upon +taking chambers in Staples' Inn. Our avowed object was to study, but we +had in reality assembled together for the purposes of convivial +enjoyment, and what were then designated "sprees." Our stock consisted +of four hundred and twelve pounds, which we had drawn from our parents +and guardians under the various pretences of paying fees and procuring +books for the advancement of our knowledge in the sublime mysteries of +that black art called Law. In addition to our pecuniary resources, we +had also a fair assortment of wearing-apparel, and it was well for us +that parental anxiety had provided most of us with a change of garments +suitable to the various seasons. For a long time everything went on +riotously and prosperously. We visited the Theatres, the Coal-hole, the +Cider-cellars, and the Saloon, and became such ardent admirers of the +"Waterford system of passing a night and morning," that scarcely a day +came without a draft upon the treasury for that legal imposition upon +the liberty of the subject--the five-shilling fine; besides the +discharge of promissory notes as compensation for trifling damages done +to the heads and property of various individuals. + +About a month after the formation of our association we were all +suffering severely from thirsty head-aches, produced, I am convinced, +by the rapid consumption of thirteen bowls of whiskey-punch on the +preceding night. The rain was falling in perpendicular torrents, and +the whole aspect of out-of-door nature was gloomy and sloppy, when we +were alarmed by the exclamation of Joseph Jones (a relation of the +Welsh Joneses), who officiated as our treasurer, and upon inquiring the +cause, were horror-stricken to find that we had arrived at our last +ten-pound note, and that the landlord had sent an imperative message, +requiring the immediate settlement of our back-rent. It is impossible +to paint the consternation depicted on every countenance, already +sufficiently disordered by previous suffering and biliary +disarrangement. + +I was the first to speak; for being the son of a shabby-genteel father, +I had witnessed in my infancy many of those schemes to raise the +needful, to which ambitious men with limited incomes are so frequently +driven. I therefore bid them be of good heart, for that any pawnbroker +in the neighbourhood would readily advance money upon the superfluous +wardrobe which we possessed. This remark was received with loud cheers, +which, I have no doubt, would have been much more vehement but from the +fatal effects of the whiskey-punch. + +The landlord's claim was instantly discharged, and after several pots +of strong green tea, rendered innocuous by brandy, we sallied forth in +pursuit of what we then ignorantly conceived to be pleasure. + +I will not pause to particularise the gradual diminution of our +property, but come at once to that period when, having consumed all our +superfluities, it become a serious subject of consideration, what +should next be sacrificed. + +I will now proceed to make extracts from our general diary, merely +premising that our only attendant was an asthmatic individual named +Peter. + +_Dec. 2, 1808._--Peter reported stock--eight coats, eight waistcoats, +eight pairs of trousers, two ounces of coffee, half a quartern loaf, +and a ha'p'orth of milk. The eight waistcoats required for dinner. +Peter ordered to pop accordingly--proceeds 7s. 6d. Invested in a small +leg of mutton and half-and-half. + +_Dec. 3._--Peter reported stock--coats _idem_, trousers _idem_--a +mutton bone--rent due--a coat and a pair of trousers ordered for +immediate necessities--lots drawn--Jones the victim. Moved the court to +grant him his trousers, as his coat was lined with silk, which would +furnish the trimmings--rejected. Peter popped the suit, and Jones went +to bed. All signed an undertaking to redeem Jones with the first +remittance from the country. Proceeds 40s. Paid rent, and dined on +à-la-mode beef and potatoes--beer limited to one quart. Peter hinted at +wages, and was remonstrated with on the folly and cruelty of his +conduct. + +_Dec. 4._--Peter reported stock--seven coats, seven pairs of trousers, +and a gentleman in bed. Washerwoman called--gave notice of detaining +linen unless settled with--two coats and one pair of trousers ordered +for consumption. Lots drawn--Smith the victim for coat and +trousers--Brown for the continuations only. Smith retired to bed--Brown +obtained permission to sit in a blanket. Proceeds of the above, +38s.--both pairs of trousers having been reseated. Jones very violent, +declaring it an imposition, and that every gentleman who had been +repaired, should enter himself so on the books. The linen redeemed, +leaving--nothing for dinner. + +_Dec. 5._--Peter reported stock--four coats, and five pairs of +trousers. Account not agreeing, Peter was called in--found that +Williams had bolted--Jones offered to call him out, if we would dress +him for the day--Smith undertook to negotiate preliminaries on the same +conditions--Williams voted not worth powder and shot in the present +state of our finances. A coat and two pair of continuations ordered for +supplies--lots drawn--Black and Edwards the victims. Black retired to +bed, and Edwards to a blanket--proceeds, 20s. Jones, Smith, and Black, +petitioned for an increased supply of coals--agreed to. Dinner, a large +leg of mutton and baked potatoes. Peter lodged a detainer against the +change, as he wanted his hair cut and a box of vegetable pills--so he +said. + +_Dec. 6._--Peter reported stock--three coats, three pairs of trousers, +quarter of a pound of mutton, and one potato. Landlord sent a note +remonstrating against using the beds all day, and applying the blankets +to the purposes of dressing-gowns. Proposed, in consequence of this +impertinent communication, that the payment of the next week's rent be +disputed--carried _nem. con_. A coat and a pair of trousers ordered for +the day's necessities--Peter popped as usual--proceeds, 10s. 6d.--coals +bought--ditto a quire of paper, and the _et cets_. for home +correspondence. Blue devils very prevalent. + +_Dec. 7._--Peter reported stock--two coats, two pairs of trousers, and +five gentlemen in bed. Smith hinted at the "beauties of _Burke_"--Peter +brought a note for Jones--everybody in ecstacy--Jones's jolly old uncle +from Glamorganshire had arrived in town. Huzza! safe for a 20l. Busker +(_that's myself_) volunteered his suit--Jones dressed and off in a +brace of shakes--caught Peter laughing--found it was a hoax of Jones's +to give us the slip--would have stripped Peter, only his clothes were +worth nothing--calculated the produce of the remaining suit at-- + + Buttons . . . . . a breakfast. + Two sleeves . . . . one pint of porter. + Body . . . . . . . four plates of à-la-mode. + Trousers (at per leg) . half a quartern loaf. + +Caught an idea.--wrote an anonymous letter to the landlord, and told +him that an association had been formed to burke Colonel Sibthorp--his +lodgers the conspirators--that the scheme was called the "Lie-a-bed +plot"--poverty with his lodgers all fudge--men of immense wealth--get +rid of them for his own sake--old boy very nervous, having been in quod +for smuggling--gave us warning--couldn't go if we would. Landlord +redeemed our clothes. Ha! ha!--did him brown. + +The above is a statement of what I suffered during my minority. I have +now the honour to be a magistrate and a member of Parliament. + + * * * * * + + +THE RICH OLD BUFFER. + +A MAIDEN LYRIC. + + Urge it no more! I must not wed + One who is poor, so hold your prattle; + My lips on love have ne'er been fed, + With poverty I cannot battle. + My choice is made--I know I'm right-- + Who wed for love starvation suffer; + So I will study day and night + To please and win a rich OLD BUFFER. + + Romance is very fine, I own; + Reality is vastly better; + I'm twenty--past--romance is flown-- + To Cupid I'm no longer debtor. + Wealth, power, and rank--I ask no more-- + Let the world frown, with these I'll rough her-- + Give me an equipage and four, + Blood bays, a page, and--rich OLD BUFFER. + + An opera-box shall be my court, + Myself the sovereign of the women; + There moustached loungers shall resort, + Whilst Elssler o'er the stage is skimming. + If any rival dare dispute + The palm of _ton_, my set shall huff her; + I'll reign supreme, make envy mute, + When once I wed a rich OLD BUFFFER! + + "The heart"--"the feelings"--pshaw! for nought + _They_ go, I grant, though quite enchanting + In valentines by school-girls wrought: + Nonsense! by me they are not wanting. + A note! and, as I live, a ring! + "Pity the sad suspense I suffer!" + All's right. I knew to book I'd bring + Old Brown. I've caught-- + A RICH OLD BUFFER. + + * * * * * + + +PHILANTHROPY, FINE WRITING, AND FIREWORKS. + +A writer in a morning paper, eulogising the Licensed Victuallers' fête +at Vauxhall Gardens, on Tuesday evening, bursts into the following +magnificent flight:--"Wit has been profanely said, like the Pagan, to +deify the brute" (the writer will never increase the mythology); "but +here," (that is, in the royal property,) "while intellect and skill" +(together with Roman candles) "exhibit their various manifestations, +Charity" (arrack punch and blue fire) "throw their benign halo over the +festive scene" (in the circle and Widdicomb), "and not only sanctify +the enjoyment" (of ham and Green's ascent), "but improve" (the +appetite) "and elevate" (the victuallers) "the feelings" (and the +sky-rockets) "of all who participate in it" (and the sticks coming +down). "This is, truly an occasion when every licensed victualler +should be at his post" (with a stretcher in waiting). + + * * * * * + + +IMPERIAL PARLIAMENT. + +As the coming session of Parliament is likely to be a busy one--for +PUNCH--we have engaged some highly talented gentlemen expressly to +report the fun in the House. The public will therefore have the benefit +of all the senatorial brilliancy, combined with our own peculiar powers +of description. Sibthorp--(scintillations fly from our pen as we trace +the magic word)--shall, for one session at least, have justice done to +his Sheridanic mind. Muntz shall be cut with a friendly hand, and Peter +Borthwick feel that the days of his histrionic glories are returned, +when his name, and that of "Avon's swan," figured daily in the +"_Stokum-cum-Pogis Gazette_." Let any member prove himself worthy of +being associated with the brilliant names which ornament our pages, and +be certain we will insure his immortality. We will now proceed to our +report of + +THE QUEEN'S SPEECH. + + MY LORDS AND GENTLEMEN, + This morn at crow-cock, + Great Doctor Locock + Decided that her Majesty had better + Remain at home, for (as _I_ read the letter) + He thought the opening speech + Would be "more honoured in the breach + Than the observance." So here I am, + To read a royal speech without a flam. + Her Majesty continues to receive + From Foreign Powers good reasons to believe + That, for the universe, they would not tease her, + But do whate'er they could on earth to please her. + A striking fact, + That proves each act + Of _us_, the Cabinet, has been judicious, + Though of our conduct _some_ folks _are_ suspicious. + Her Majesty has also satisfaction + To state the July treaty did succeed + (Aided, no doubt, by Napier's gallant action), + And that in peace the Sultan smokes his weed. + That France, because she was left out, + Did for a little while--now bounce--now pout, + Is in the best of humours, and will still + Lend us her Jullien, monarch of quadrille! + And as her Majesty's a peaceful woman, + She hopes we shall get into rows with no man. + Her Majesty is also glad to say, + That as the Persian troops have march'd away, + Her Minister has orders to resume + His powers at Teheran, where he's ta'en a room. + Her Majesty regrets that the Chinese + Are running up the prices of our teas: + But should the Emperor continue crusty, + Elliot's to find out if his jacket's dusty. + Her Majesty has also had the pleasure + (By using a conciliatory measure) + To settle Spain and Portugal's division + About the Douro treaty's true provision. + Her Majesty (she grieves to say) 's contrived to get, + Like all her predecessors, into debt-- + In Upper Canada, which, we suppose, + By this time is a fact the Council knows, + And what they think, or say, or write about it, + You'll he advised of, and the Queen don't doubt it, + But you'll contrive to make the thing all square, + So leaves the matter to your loyal care. + GENTLEMEN OF THE HOUSE OF COMMONS, + Her Majesty, I'm proud to say, relies + On you with confidence for the supplies; + And, as there's much to pay, she begs to hint + She hopes sincerely you'll not spare the Mint. + MY LORDS AND GENTLEMEN, + The public till, + I much regret to say, is looking ill; + For Canada and China, and the Whigs--no, no-- + Some other prigs--have left the cash so-so: + But as our soldiers and our tars, brave lads, + Won't shell out shells till we shell out the brads, + Her Majesty desires you'll be so kind + As to devise some means to raise the wind, + Either by taxing more or taxing less, + Relieving or increasing our distress; + Or by increasing twopennies to quarterns, + Or keeping up the price which "Commons shortens;" + By making weavers' wages high or low, + Or other means, but what we do not know. + But the one thing our royal mistress axes, + Is, that you'll make the people pay their taxes. + The last request, I fear, will cause surprise-- + Her Majesty requests _you to be wise_. + If you comply at once, the world will own + It is the greatest miracle e'er known. + + * * * * * + + +THE DINNEROLOGY OF ENGLAND. + +Man is the only animal that cooks his dinner before he eats it. All +other species of the same genus are content to take the provisions of +nature as they find them; but man's reason has designed pots and +roasting-jacks, stewpans and bakers' ovens; thus opening a wide field +for the exercise of that culinary ingenuity which has rendered the +names of Glasse and Kitchiner immortal. Of such importance is the +gastronomic art to the well-being of England, that we question much if +the "wooden walls," which have been the theme of many a song, afford +her the same protection as her dinners. The ancients sought, by the +distribution of crowns and flowers, to stimulate the enterprising and +reward the successful; but England, despising such empty honours and +distinctions, tempts the diffident with a haunch of venison, and +rewards the daring with real turtle. + +If charity seeks the aid of the benevolent, she no longer trusts to the +magic of oratory to "melt the tender soul to pity," and untie the +purse-strings; but, grown wise by experience, she sends in her card in +the shape of "a guinea ticket, bottle of wine included;" and thus +appeals, if not to the heart, at least to its next-door neighbour--the +stomach. + +The hero is no longer conducted to the temple of Victory amid the +shouts of his grateful and admiring countrymen, but to the Freemason's, +the Crown and Anchor, or the Town Hall, there to have his plate heaped +with the choicest viands, his glass tilled from the best bins, and "his +health drank with three times three, and a little one in." + +The bard has now to experience "the happiest moment of his life" amid +the jingling of glasses, the rattle of dessert plates, and the +stentorian vociferations of the toast-master to "charge your glasses, +gentlemen--Mr. Dionysius Dactyl, the ornament of the age, with nine +times nine," and to pour out the flood of his poetic gratitude, with +half a glass of port in one hand and a table-napkin in the other. + +The Cicero who has persuaded an enlightened body of electors to receive +£10,000 decimated amongst them, and has in return the honour of +sleeping in "St. Stephen's," and smoking in "Bellamy's," or, to be less +figurative, who has been returned as their representative in +Parliament, receives the foretaste of his importance in a "public +dinner," which commemorates his election; or should he desire to +express "the deep sense of his gratitude," like Lord Mahon at Hertford, +he cannot better prove his sincerity than by the liberal distribution +of invitations for the unrestrained consumption of mutton, and the +unlimited imbibition of "foreign wines and spirituous liquors." + +If a renegade, like Sir Francis Burdett, is desirous of making his +apostacy the theme of general remark--of surprising the world with an +exhibition of prostrated worth--let him not seek the market-cross to +publish his dishonour, whilst there remains the elevated chair at a +dinner-table. Let him prove himself entitled to be ranked as a man, by +the elaborate manner in which he seasons his soup or anatomises a +joint. Let him have the glass and the towel--the one to cool the +tongue, which must burn with the fulsome praises of those whom he has +hitherto decried, and the other as a ready appliance to conceal the +blush which must rush to the cheek from the consciousness of the +thousand recollections of former professions awakened in the minds of +every applauder of his apostacy. Let him have a Toole to give bold +utterance to the toasts which, in former years, would have called forth +his contumely and indignation, and which, even now, he dare only +whisper, lest the echo of his own voice should be changed into a curse. +Let him have wine, that his blood may riot through his veins and drive +memory onward. Let him have wine, that when the hollow cheers of his +new allies ring in his ears he may be incapable of understanding their +real meaning; or, when he rises to respond to the lip-service of his +fellow bacchanals, the fumes may supply the place of mercy, and save +him from the abjectness of self-degradation. Burdett! the 20th of +August will never be forgotten! You have earned an epitaph that will +scorch men's eyes-- + + "To the last a renegade."[2] + * * * * + + [2] "Siege of Corinth." + +Who that possesses the least reflection ever visited a police-office +without feeling how intimately it was connected with the cook-shop! The +victims to the intoxicating qualities of pickled salmon, oyster-sauce, +and lobster salad, are innumerable; for where one gentleman or lady +pleads guilty to too much wine, a thousand extenuate on the score of +indigestion. We are aware that the disorganisation of the digestive +powers is very prevalent--about one or two in the morning--and we have +no doubt the Conservative friends of Captain Rous, who patriotically +contributed five shillings each to the Queen, and one gentleman (a chum +of our own at Cheam, if we mistake not) a sovereign to the poor-box, +were all doubtlessly suffering from this cause, combined with their +enthusiasm for the gallant Rous, and--_proh pudor!_--Burdett. + +How much, then, are we indebted to our cooks! those perspiring +professors of gastronomy and their valuable assistants--the industrious +scullery-maids. Let not the Melbourne opposition to this meritorious +class, be supported by the nation at large; for England would soon +cease to occupy her present proud pre-eminence, did her rulers, her +patriots, and her heroes, sit down to cold mutton, or the villanously +dressed "joints ready from 12 to 5." Justice is said to be the +foundation of all national prosperity--we contend that it is +repletion--that Mr. Toole, the toast-master, is the only embodiment of +fame, and that true glory consists of a gratuitous participation in +"Three courses and a dessert!" + + * * * * * + + +INQUEST--NOT EXTRAORDINARY. + + Great Bulwer's works fell on Miss Basbleu's head. + And, in a moment, lo! the maid was dead! + A jury sat, and found the verdict plain-- + "She died of _milk_ and _water on the brain_." + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH'S PENCILLINGS.--NO. VII. + +[Illustration: TRIMMING A W(H)IG.] + + * * * * * + + +NAPOLEON'S STATUE AT BOULOGNE. + + [The bronze statue of Napoleon which was last placed on the summit + of the grand column at Boulogne with extraordinary ceremony, has + been turned, by design or accident, with its back to England.] + + Upon its lofty column's stand, + Napoleon takes his place; + His back still turned upon that land + That never saw his face. + + +THE HIEROGLYPHIC DECIPHERED. + +The letters V.P.W. scratched by some person on the brow of the statue +of Napoleon while it lay on the ground beside the column, which were +supposed to stand for the insulting words _Vaincu par Wellington_, have +given great offence to the French. We have authority for contradicting +this unjust explanation. The letters are the work of an ambitious +Common Councilman of Portsoken Ward, who, wishing to associate himself +with the great Napoleon, scratched on the bronze the initials of his +name--V.P.W.--VILLIAM PAUL WENABLES. + + * * * * * + + [Transcriber's note: This was marked as "NO. 3", but it is the 5th + one of the series.] + +SONGS FOR THE SENTIMENTAL.--NO. 5. + + "O fly with me, lady, my gallant _destrere_ + Is as true as the brand by my side; + Through flood and o'er moorland his master he'll bear, + With the maiden he seeks for a bride." + This, this was the theme of the troubadour's lay, + And thus did the lady reply:-- + "Sir knight, ere I trust thee, look hither and say, + Do you see any green in my eye?" + + "O, doubt me not, lady, my lance shall maintain + That thou'rt peerless in beauty and fame; + And the bravest should eat of the dust of the plain, + Who would quaff not a cup to thy name." + "I doubt not thy prowess in list or in fray, + For none dare thy courage belie; + And I'll trust thee, though kindred and priest say me nay-- + When you see any green in my eye!" + + * * * * * + + +TO POLITICAL WRITERS, + +AND TO THE EDITOR OF THE "TIMES" IN PARTICULAR. + +Mr. Solomons begs to announce to reporters of newspapers, that he has +constructed, at a very great expense, several sets of new glasses, +which will enable the wearer to see as small or as great a number of +auditors, at public conferences and political meetings, as may suit his +purpose. Mr. Solomons has also invented a new kind of ear-trumpet, +which will enable a reporter to hear only such portions of an harangue +as may be in accordance with his political bias; or should there be +nothing uttered by any speaker that may suit his purpose, these +ear-trumpets will change the sounds of words and the construction of +sentences in such a way as to be incontrovertible, although every +syllable should be diverted from its original meaning and intention. +They have also the power of larding a speech with "loud cheers," or +"strong disapprobation." + +These valuable inventions have been in use for some years by Mr. +Solomons' respected friend, the editor of the _Times_; but no publicity +has been given to them, until Mr. S. had completely tested their +efficacy. He has now much pleasure in subjoining, for the information +of the public, the following letter, of the authenticity of which Mr. +S. presumes no one can entertain a doubt. + +LETTER FROM THE EDITOR OF THE "TIMES." + +It is with much pleasure that I am enabled, my dear Solomons, to give +my humble testimony in favour of your new political glasses and +ear-trumpet. By their invaluable aid I have been enabled, for some +years, to see and hear just what suited my purpose. I have recommended +them to my _protégé_, Sir Robert Peel, who has already tried the +glasses, and, I am happy to state, does not see quite so many +objections to a fixed duty as he did before using these wonderful +illuminators. The gallant Sibthorp (at my recommendation) carried one +of your ear-trumpets to the House on Friday last, and states that he +heard his honoured leader declare, "that the Colonel was the only man +who ought to be Premier--after himself." + +If these testimonies are of any value to you, publish them by all +means, and believe me. + +Yours faithfully, +JOHN WALTER. +_Printing House Square._ + +Mr. S. begs to state, that though magnifying and diminishing glasses +are no novelty, yet his invention is the only one to suit the interest +of parties without principle. + + * * * * * + + +CON. BY THEODORE HOOK. + +"What sentimental character does the re-elected Speaker remind you +of?"--Ans. by Croker: "P_(shaw!) Lefevre_, to be sure." + + * * * * * + + +A CRUEL DISAPPOINTMENT. + +We regret to state that the second ball at the Boulogne _fête_ was +simply remarkable from "its having gone off without any disturbance." +Where _were_ the national guards? + + * * * * * + + +UNSATISFACTORY CONDITION OF FOREIGN BEEF--(CAUTION TO GOURMANDS). + +A corresponedent of the _Times_ forwards the alarming intelligence that +at the Boulogne Races the _stakes_ never _fill_! Sibthorp, the gifted +Sib, ever happy at expedients, ingeniously recommends a _trial_ of the +_chops_. + + * * * * * + + +A TRIFLE FROM LITTLE TOMMY. + +TO AN ELDERLY BEAUTY. + + "Ah! Julia, time all tilings destroys, + The heart, the blood, the pen; + But come, I'll re-enact young joy + And be myself again. + + "Yet stay, sweet Julia, how is this + Thine are not lips at all; + Your face is _plastered_, and you kiss, + Like Thisbe--_through a wall_." + + * * * * * + + +PROSPECTUS FOR A PROVIDENT ANNUITY COMPANY. + +1. The capital of this Company is to consist of £0,000,001; one-half of +it to be vested in Aldgate Pump, and the other moiety in the Dogger +Bank. + +2. Shares, at £50 each, will be issued to any amount; and interest paid +thereon when convenient. + +3. A board, consisting of twelve directors, will be formed; but, to +save trouble, the management of the Company's affairs will be placed in +the hands of the secretary. + +4. The duties of trustees, auditor, and treasurer, will also be +discharged by the secretary. + +5. Each shareholder will he presented with a gratuitous copy of the +Company's regulations, printed on fine foolscap. + +6. Individuals purchasing annuities of this company, will be allowed a +large-rate of interest on paper for their money, calculated on an +entirely novel sliding-scale. Annuitants will be entitled to receive +their annuities whenever they can get them. + +7. The Company's office will be open at all hours for the receipt of +money; but it is not yet determined at what time the paying branch of +the department will come into operation. + +8. The secretary will be allowed the small salary of £10,000 a-year. + +9. In order to simplify the accounts, there will be no books kept. By +this arrangement, a large saving will be effected in the article of +clerks, &c. + +10. The annual profits of the company will be fixed at 20 per cent., +but it is expected that there will be no inquiry made after dividends. + +11. All monies received for and by the company, to be deposited in the +breeches-pocket of the secretary, and not to be withdrawn from thence +without his special sanction. + +12. The establishment to consist of a secretary and porter. + +13. The porter is empowered to act as secretary in the absence of that +officer; and the secretary is permitted to assist the porter in the +arduous duties of his situation. + +*** Applications for shares or annuities to be made to the secretary of +the Provident Annuity Company, No. 1, Thieves Inn. + + * * * * * + + +AWFUL ACCIDENT. + +Our reporter has just forwarded an authentic statement, in which he +vouches, with every appearance of truth, that "Lord Melbourne dined at +home on Wednesday last." The neighbourhood is in an agonising state of +excitement. + +FURTHER PARTICULARS. + +(_Particularly exclusive_.) + +Our readers will be horrified to learn the above is not the whole +extent of this alarming event. From a private source of the highest +possible credit, we are informed that his "Lordship also took tea." + +FURTHEST PARTICULARS. + +Great Heavens! when will our painful duties end? We tremble as we +write,--may we be deceived!--but we are compelled to announce the +agonising fact--"he also supped!" + +BY EXPRESS. + +(_From our own reporter on the spot_!) + +DEAR SIR,--"The dinner is fatally true! but, I am happy to state, there +are doubts about the tea, and you may almost wholly contradict the +supper." + +SECOND EXPRESS. + +"I have only time to say, things are not so bad! The tea is disproved, +and the supper was a gross exaggeration. + +"N.B. My horse is dead!" + +THIRD EXPRESS. + +Hurrah! Glorious news! There is no truth in the above fearful rumour; +it is false from beginning to end, and, doubtless, had its vile origin +from some of the "adverse faction," as it is clearly of such a nature +as to convulse the country. To what meanness will not these Tories +stoop, for the furtherance of their barefaced schemes of oppression and +pillage! The facts they have so grossly distorted with their tortuous +ingenuity and demoniac intentions, are simply these:--A saveloy was +ordered by one of the upper servants (who is on board wages, and finds +his own kitchen fire), the boy entrusted with its delivery mistook the +footman for his lordship. This is very unlikely, as the man is willing +to make an affidavit he had "just cleaned himself," and therefore, it +is clear the boy must have been a paid emissary. But the public will be +delighted to learn, to prevent the possibility of future +mistakes--"John" has been denuded of his whiskers--the only features +which, on a careful examination, presented the slightest resemblance to +his noble master. In fact, otherwise the fellow is remarkably +good-looking. + + * * * * * + + +HINTS TO NEW MEMBERS. + +BY AN OLD TRIMMER. + +It being now an established axiom that every member goes into +Parliament for the sole purpose of advancing his own private interest, +and not, as has been ignorantly believed, for the benefit of his +country or the constituency he represents, it becomes a matter of vast +importance to those individuals who have not had the advantage of long +experience in the house, to be informed of the mode usually adopted by +honourable members in the discharge of their legislative duties. With +this view the writer, who has, for the last thirty years, done business +on both sides of the house, and always with the strictest regard to the +main chance, has collected a number of hints for the guidance of +juvenile members, of which the following are offered as a sample:-- + +HINT 1.--It is a vulgar error to imagine that a man, to be a member of +Parliament, requires either education, talents, or honesty: all that it +is necessary for him to possess is--impudence and humbug! + +HINT 2.--When a candidate addresses a constituency, he should promise +everything. Some men will only pledge themselves to what their +conscience considers right. Fools of this sort can never hope to be + +[Illustration: RETURNED BY A LARGE MAJORITY.] + +HINT 3.--Oratory is a showy, but by no means necessary, accomplishment +in the house. If a member knows when to say "Ay" or "No," it is quite +sufficient for all useful purposes. + +HINT 4.--If, however, a young member should be seized with, the desire +of speaking in Parliament, he may do so without the slighest regard to +sense, as the reporters in the gallery are paid for the purpose of +making speeches for honourable members; and on the following morning he +may calculate on seeing, in the columns of the daily papers, a full +report of his splendid + +[Illustration: MAIDEN SPEECH.] + +HINT 5.--A knowledge of the exact time to cry "Hear, hear!" is +absolutely necessary. A severe cough, when a member of the opposite +side of the house is speaking, is greatly to be commended; cock-crowing +is also a desirable qualification for a young legislator, and, if +judiciously practised, cannot fail to bring the possessor into the +notice of his party. + +HINT 6.--The back seats in the gallery are considered, by several +members, as the most comfortable for taking a nap on. + +HINT 7.--If one honourable member wishes to tell another honourable +member that he is anything but a gentleman, he should be particular to +do so within the walls of the house--as, in that case, the Speaker will +put him under arrest, to prevent any unpleasant consequences arising +from his hasty expressions. + +HINT 8.--If a member promise to give his vote to the minister, he must +in honour do so--unless he happen to fall asleep in the smoking-room, +and so gets shut out from the division of the house. + +HINT 9.--No independent member need trouble himself to understand the +merits of any question before the house. He may, therefore, amuse +himself at Bellamy's until five minutes before the Speaker's bell rings +for a division. + + * * * * * + + +RATHER SUICIDAL. + +"The health of the Earl of Winchilsea and the Conservative members of +the House of Peers," was followed, amid intense cheering, with the glee +of + + "Swearing death to traitor slaves!"--_Times_. + + * * * * * + + +NOVEL EXPERIMENT.--GREAT SCREW. + +Several scientific engineers have formed themselves into a company, and +are about applying for an Act of Parliament to enable them to take a +lease of Joe Hume, for the purpose of opposing the Archimedean Screw. +Public feeling is already in favour of the "Humedean," and the "Joe" +shares are rising rapidly. + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH'S INFORMATION FOR THE PEOPLE.--NO. 3. + +One of the expedients adopted by the cheap-knowledge-mongers to convey +so-called "information" to the vulgar, has been, we flatter ourselves, +successfully imitated in our articles on the Stars and the Thermometer. +They are by writers engaged expressly for the respective subjects, +because they will work cheaply and know but little of what they are +writing about, and therefore make themselves the better understood by +the equally ignorant. We do hope that they have not proved themselves +behindhand in popular humbug and positive error, and that the blunders +in "the Thermometer"[3] are equally as amusing as those of the then +big-wig who wrote the treatise on "Animal Mechanics," published by our +rival Society for Diffusing Useful Knowledge. + +[3] One of these blunders the author must not be commended for; it is +attributable to a facetious mistake of the printer. In giving the +etymology of the Thermometer, it should have been "measure of _heat_," +and not "measure of _feet_." We scorn to deprive our devil of a joke so +worthy of him. + +Another of their methods for obtaining cheap knowledge it is now our +intention to adopt. Having got the poorest and least learned authors we +could find (of course for cheapness) for our former pieces of +information, we have this time engaged a gentleman to mystify a few +common-place subjects, in the style of certain articles in the "Penny +Cyclopædia." As his erudition is too profound for ordinary +comprehensions--as he scorns gain--as the books he has hitherto +published (no, privated) have been printed at his own expense, for the +greater convenience of reading them himself, for nobody else does +so--as, in short, he is in reality a cheap-knowledge man, seeing that +he scorns pay, and we scorn to pay him--we have concluded an engagement +with him for fourteen years. + +The subject on which we have directed him to employ his vast scientific +acquirements, is one which must come home to the firesides of the +married and the bosoms of the single, namely, the art of raising a +flame; in humble imitation of some of Young's Knights' Thoughts, which +are directed to the object of lightening the darkness of servants, +labourers, artisans, and chimney-sweeps, and in providing guides to the +trades or services of which they are already masters or mistresses. We +beg to present our readers with + +PUNCH'S GUIDE TO SERVICE; + +OR, + +[Illustration: THE HOUSEMAID'S BEST FRIEND.] + +CHAPTER 1. + +ON THE PROCESS AND RATIONALE OF LIGHTING FIRES. + +Take a small cylindrical aggregation of parallelopedal sections of the +ligneous fibre (vulgarly denominated a bundle of fire-wood), and +arrange a fractional part of the integral quantity rectilineally along +the interior of the igneous receptacle known as a grate, so as to form +an acute angle (of, say 25°) with its base; and one (of, say 65°) with +the posterior plane that is perpendicular to it; taking care at the +same time to leave between each parallelopedal section an insterstice +isometrical with the smaller sides of any one of their six +quadrilateral superficies, so as to admit of the free circulation of +the atmospheric fluid. Superimposed upon this, arrange several +moderate-sized concretions of the hydro-carburetted substance (_vulgo_ +coal), approximating in figure as nearly as possible to the rhombic +dodecahedron, so that the solid angles of each concretion may +constitute the different points of contact with those immediately +adjacent. Insert into the cavity formed by the imposition of the +ligneous fibre upon the inferior transverse ferruginous bar, a sheet of +laminated lignin, or paper, compressed by the action of the digits into +an irregular spheroid. + +These preliminary operations having been skilfully performed, the +process of combustion may be commenced. For this purpose, a smaller +woody paralleloped--the extremities of which have been previously +dipped in sulphur in a state of liquefaction--must be ignited and +applied to the laminated lignin, or waste paper, and so elevate its +temperature to a degree required for its combustion, which will be +communicated to the ligneous superstructure; this again raises the +temperature of the hydro-carburet concretion, and liberates its +carburetted hydrogen in the form of gas; which gas, combining with the +oxygen of the atmosphere, enters into combustion, and a general +ignition ensues. This, in point of fact, constitutes what is popularly +termed--"lighting a fire." + + * * * * * + + +AN IMMINENT BREACH. + +In an action lately tried at the Cork Assizes, a lady obtained _fifteen +hundred pounds damages_, for a breach of promise of marriage, against a +faithless lover. Lady Morgan sends us the following trifle on the +subject:-- + + What! _fifteen hundred!_--'tis a sum severe; + The fine by far the injury o'erreaches. + For _one_ poor _breach_ of promise 'tis too dear-- + 'Twould be sufficient for a _pair of breaches_! + + * * * * * + + +SCHOOL OF DESIGN. + +Several designing individuals, whose talents for _drawing_ on paper are +much greater than those of Charles Kean for drawing upon the stage, met +together at Somerset House, on Monday last, to distribute prizes among +their scholars. Prince Albert presided, gave away the prizes with great +suavity, and made a speech which occupied exactly two seconds and +a-half. + +The first prize was awarded to Master Palmerston, for a successful +_design_ for completely frustrating certain commercial _views_ upon +China, and for his new invention of _auto-painting_. Prize: an order +upon Truefit for a new wig. + +Master John Russell was next called up.--This talented young gentleman +had designed a gigantic "penny loaf;" which, although too immense for +practical use, yet, his efforts having been exclusively directed to +fanciful design, and not to practical possibility, was highly +applauded. Master Russell also evinced a highly precocious talent for +_drawing_--his salary. Prize: a splendidly-bound copy of the New +Marriage Act. + +The fortunate candidate next upon the list, was Master Normanby. This +young gentleman brought forward a beautiful design for a new prison, so +contrived for criminals to be excluded from light and society, in any +degree proportionate with their crimes. This young gentleman was +brought up in Ireland, but there evinced considerable talent in +_drawing_ prisoners out of durance vile. He was much complimented on +the salutary effect upon his studies, which his pupilage at the school +of design had wrought. Prize: an order from Colburn for a new novel. + +Master Melbourne, who was next called up, seemed a remarkably fine boy +of his age, though a little too old for his short jacket. He had +signalised himself by an exceedingly elaborate _design_ for the +Treasury benches. This elicited the utmost applause; for, by this plan, +the seats were so ingeniously contrived, that, once occupied, it would +be a matter of extreme difficulty for the sitter to be _absquatulated_, +even by main force. Prize: a free ticket to the licensed victuallers' +dinner. + +The Prince then withdrew, amidst the acclamations of the assembled +multitude. + + * * * * * + + +A HINT TO THE NEW LORD CHAMBERLAIN. + +There is always much difference of opinion existing as to the number of +theatres which ought to be licensed in the metropolis. Our friend Peter +Borthwick, whose mathematical acquirements are only equalled by his +"_heavy fathers_," has suggested the following formula whereby to +arrive at a just conclusion:--Take the number of theatres, multiply by +the public-houses, and divide by the dissenting chapels, and the +quotient will be the answer. This is what Peter calls + +[Illustration: COMING TO A DIVISION.] + + * * * * * + + +VOCAL EVASION. + +LADY B---- (who, it is rumoured, has an eye to the bedchamber) was +interrogating Sir Robert Peel a little closer than the wily minister +_in futuro_ approved of. After several very evasive answers, which had +no effect on the lady's pertinacity, Sir Robert made her a graceful +bow, and retired, humming the favourite air of-- + +[Illustration: "OH! I CANNOT GIVE EXPRESSION."] + + * * * * * + + +A PUN FROM THE ROW. + +It is asserted that a certain eminent medical man lately offered to a +publisher in Paternoster-row a "Treatise on the Hand," which the worthy +bibliopole declined with a shake of the head, saying, "My dear sir, we +have got too many _treatises on our hands_ already." + + * * * * * + + +PLEASURES OF HOPE (RATHER EXPENSIVE). + +The _Commerce_ states "the cost of the mansion now building for Mr. +Hope, in the Rue St. Dominique, including furniture and objects of art, +is estimated at six hundred thousand pounds!"--[If this is an attribute +of _Hope_, what is reality?--ED. PUNCH.] + + * * * * * + + +FASHIONS FOR THE MONTH. + +We perceive that the severity of the summer has prevented the entire +banishment of furs in the fashionable _quartiers_ of the metropolis. We +noticed three fur caps, on Sunday last, in Seven Dials. Beavers are, +however, superseded by gossamers; the crowns of which are, among the +élite of St. Giles's, jauntily opened to admit of ventilation, in +anticipation of the warm weather. Frieze coats are fast giving way to +pea-jackets; waistcoats, it is anticipated, will soon be discarded, and +brass buttons are completely out of vogue. + +We have not noticed so many highlows as Bluchers upon the +understandings of the promenaders of Broad-street. Ancle-jacks are, we +perceive, universally adopted at the elegant _soirées dansantes_, +nightly held at the "Frog and Fiddle," in Pye-street, Westminster. + + * * * * * + + +ARTISTIC EXECUTION. + +We understand that Sir M.A. Shee is engaged in painting the portraits +of Sir Willoughhy Woolston Dixie and Mr. John Bell, the lately-elected +member for Thirsk, which are intended for the exhibition at the Royal +Academy. If Folliot Duff's account of their dastardly conduct in the +Waldegrave affair be correct, we cannot _imagine_ two gentlemen more +worthy the labours of the + +[Illustration: HANGING COMMITTEE.] + + * * * * * + + +NEW PARLIAMENTARY RETURNS. + +We have been informed, on authority upon which we have reason to place +much reliance, that several distinguished members of the upper and +lower houses of Parliament intend moving for the following important +returns early in the present session:-- + +IN THE LORDS. + +Lord Palmerston will move for a return of all the _papillote_ papers +contained in the red box at the Foreign Office. + +The Duke of Wellington will move for a return of the Tory taxes. + +The Marquis of Downshire will move for a return of his political +honesty. + +Lord Melbourne will move for a return of place and power. + +The Marquis of Westmeath will move for a return of the days when he was +young. + +The Marquis Wellesley will move for a return of the pap-spoons +manufactured in England for the last three years. + +IN THE COMMONS. + +Sir Francis Burdett will move for a return of his popularity in +Westminster. + +Lord John Russell will move that the return of the Tories to office is +extremely inconvenient. + +Captain Rous will move for a return of the number of high-spirited +Tories who were conveyed on stretchers to the different station-houses, +on the night of the ever-to-be-remembered Drury-lane dinner. + +Sir E.L. Bulwer will move for a return of all the half-penny ballads +published by Catnach and Co. during the last year. + +Morgan O'Connell will move for a return of all the brogues worn by the +bare-footed peasantry of Ireland. + +Colonel Sibthorp will move for a return of his wits. + +Peter Borthwick will move for a return of all the kettles convicted of +singing on the Sabbath-day. + +Sir Robert Peel will move for a return of all the ladies of the +palace--to the places from whence they came. + +Ben D'Israeli will move for a return of all the hard words in Johnson's +Dictionary. + + * * * * * + + +RATHER OMINOUS! + +The _Sunday Times_ states, that "several of the _heads_ of the +Conservative party held a conference at _Whitehall_ Gardens!" _Heads_ +and _conferences_ have been cut short enough at the same place ere now! + + * * * * * + + +HEAVY LIGHTNESS. + + A joke Col. Sibthorp to the journal sent-- + Appropriate heading--"_Serious Accident_." + + * * * * * + + +A MATTER OF COURSE. + +The match at cricket, between the Chelsea and Greenwich Pensioners, was +decided in favour of the latter. Captain Rous says, no great wonder, +considering the winners bad the majority of _legs_ on their side. The +Hyllus affair has made him an authority. + + * * * * * + + +THE DRAMA. + +THE ITALIAN OPERA. + +RETIREMENT OF RUBINI. + +(_Exclusive_.) + + N.B.--PUNCH is delighted to perceive, from the style of this + critique, that, though anonymously sent, it is manifestly from the + pen of the elegant critic of the _Morning Post_. + + +[Illustration: O]On a review of the events of the past season, the +_souvenirs_ it presents are not calculated to elevate the character of +the arts _di poeta_ and _di musica_, of which the Italian Opera is +composed. The only decided _nouveautés_ which made their appearance, +were "Fausta," and "Roberto Devereux," both of them _jejune_ as far as +regards their _libretto_ and the _composita musicale_. The latter +opera, however, serving as it did to introduce a pleasing +_rifacciamento_ of the lamented Malibran, in her talented sister +Pauline (Madame Viardot), may, on that account, be remembered as a +pleasing reminiscence of the past season. + +The evening of Saturday, Aug. 21st, will long be remembered by the +_habitués_ of the Opera. From exclusive sources (which have been opened +to us at a very considerable expense) we are enabled to +communicate--_malheureusement_--that with the close of the _saison de_ +1841, the _corps opératique_ loses one of its most brilliant ornaments. +That memorable epocha was chosen by Rubini for making a graceful +_congé_ to a fashionable audience, amidst an abundance of tears--shed +in the choicest Italian--and showers of _bouquets_. The subjects chosen +for representation were _apropos_ in the extreme; all being of a +_triste_ character, namely, the _atta terzo_ of "Marino Faliero," the +_finale_ of "Lucia di Lammermoor," and the last _parte_ of "La +Sonnambula:" these were the chosen vehicles for Rubini's _soirée +d'adieu_. + +As this _tenor primissimo_ has, in a professional _regarde_, +disappeared from amongst us--as the last echoes of his _voix +magnifique_ have died away--as he has made a final exit from the public +_plafond_ to the _coulisses_ of private life--we deem it due to future +historians of the Italian Opera _de Londres_, to record our admiration, +our opinions, and our _regrets_ for this great _artiste_. + +Signor Rubini is in stature what might be denominated _juste milieu_; +his _taille_ is graceful, his _figure_ pleasing, his eyes full of +expression, his hair bushy: his _comport_ upon the stage, when not +excited by passion, is full of _verve_ and _brusquerie_, but in +passages which the _Maestro_ has marked "_con passione_" nothing can +exceed the elegance of his attitudes, and the pleasing dignity of his +gestures. After, _par exemple_, the _recitativi_, what a pretty +_empressement_ he gave (alas! that we must now speak in the past +tense!) to the _tonic_ or _key-note_, by _locking_ his arms in each +other over his _poitrine_--by that after expansion of them--that clever +_alto_ movement of the toes--that apparent embracing of the _fumes des +lampes_--how touching! Then, while the _sinfonia_ of the _andante_ was +in progress, how gracefully he turned _son dos_ to the delighted +auditors, and made an interesting _promenade au fond_, always +contriving to get his finely-arched nose over the _lumières_ at the +precise point of time (we speak in a musical sense) where the word +"_voce_" is marked in the score. His pantomime to the _allegri_ was no +less captivating; but it was in the _stretta_ that his beauty of action +was most exquisitely apparent; there, worked up by an elaborate +_crescendo_ (the _motivo_ of which is always, in the Italian school, a +simple progression of the diatonic scale), the _furor_ with which this +_cantratice_ hurried his hands into the thick clumps of his picturesque +_perruque_, and seemed to tear its _cheveux_ out by the roots (without, +however, disturbing the celebrated side-parting a single hair)--the +vigour with which he beat his breast--his final expansion of arms, +elevation of toes, and the impressive _frappe_ of his right foot upon +the stage immediately before disappearing behind the _coulisses_--must +be fresh in the _souvenir_ of our _dilettanti_ readers. + +But how shall we _parle_ concerning his _voix_? That exquisite organ, +whose _falsetto_ emulated the sweetness of flutes, and reached to A +flat _in altissimo_--the _voce media_ of which possessed an unequalled +_aplomb_, whose deep double G must still find a well-in-tune echo in +the _tympanum_ of every _amateur_ of taste. _That_, we must confess, as +critics and theoretical musicians, causes us considerable _embarras_ +for words to describe. Who that heard it on Saturday last, has yet +recovered the ravishing sensation produced by the thrilling tremour +with which Rubini _gave_ the _Notte d'Orrore_, in Rossini's "Marino +Faliero?" Who can forget the _recitativo con andante et allegro_, in +the last scene of "La Sonnambula;" or the burst of anguish _con +expressivissimo_, when accused of treason, while personating his +favourite _rôle_ in "Lucia di Lammermoor?" Ah! those who suffered +themselves to be detained from the opera on Saturday last by mere +illness, or other light causes, will, to translate a forcible +expression in the "Inferno" of Dante, "go down with sorrow to the +grave." To them we say, Rubini _est parti_--gone!--he has sent forth +his last _ut_--concluded his last _re_--his ultimate note has +sounded--his last _billet de banque_ is pocketed--he has, to use an +emphatic and heart-stirring _mot_, "_coupé son bâton!_" + +It is due to the _sentimens_ of the audience of Saturday, to notice the +evident regret with which they received Rubini's _adieux_; for, towards +the close of the evening, the secret became known. Animated +_conversazioni_ resounded from almost every box during many of his most +charming _piano_ passages (and never will his _sotto-voce_ be +equalled)--the _beaux esprits_ of the pit discussed his merits with +audible _goût_; while the gallery and upper stalls remained in mute +grief at the consciousness of that being the _dernière fois_ they would +ever be able to hear the sublime _voce-di-testa_ of Italy's prince of +_tenori_. + +Although this retirement will make the present _clôture_ of the opera +one of the most memorable _événemens_ in _les annales de l'opéra_, yet +some remarks are demanded of us upon the other _artistes_. In "Marino +Faliero," Lablache came the _Dodge_ with remarkable success. Madlle. +Loewe, far from deserving her _bas nom_, was the height of perfection, +and gave her celebrated _scena_ in the last-named opera _avec une force +superbe_. Persiani looked remarkably well, and wore a most becoming +_robe_ in the _rôle_ of Amina. + +Of the _danseuses_ we have hardly space to speak. Cerito exhibited the +"poetry of motion" with her usual skill, particularly in a difficult +_pas_ with Albert. The ballet was "Le Diable Amoureux," and the stage +was watered between each act. + + * * * * * + + +THE GREAT UNACTABLES. + +It seems that the English Opera-house has been taken for _twelve +nights_, to give "_a free stage and fair play_" to "EVERY ENGLISH +LIVING DRAMATIST." Considering that the Council of the Dramatic +Authors' Theatre comprises at least half-a-dozen Shakspeares in their +own conceit, to say nothing of one or two _Rowes_ (soft ones of +course), a sprinkling of Otways, with here and there a Massinger, we +may calculate pretty correctly how far the stage they have taken +possession of is likely to be _free_, or the _play_ to be _fair_ +towards _Every English living Dramatist_. + +It appears that a small knot of very great geniuses have been, for some +time past, regularly sending certain bundles of paper, called Dramas, +round to the different metropolitan theatres, and as regularly +receiving them back again. Some of these geniuses, goaded to madness by +this unceremonious treatment, have been guilty of the insanity of +printing their plays; and, though the "Rejected Addresses" were a very +good squib, the rejected Dramas are much too ponderous a joke for the +public to take; so that, while in their manuscript form, they always +produced speedy _returns_ from the managers, they, in their printed +shape, caused no _returns_ to the publishers. It is true, that a +personal acquaintance of some of the authors with Nokes of the _North +Eastern Independent_, or some other equally-influential country print, +may have gained for them, now and then, an egregious puff, wherein the +writers are said to be equal to Goëthe, a cut above Sheridan Knowles, +and the only successors of Shakspeare; but we suspect that "the mantle +of the Elizabethan poets," which is said to have descended on one of +these gentry, would, if inspected, turn out to be something more like +Fitzball's Tagiioni or Dibdin Pitt's Macintosh. + +No one can suspect PUNCH of any _prestige_ in favour of the +restrictions laid upon the drama--for our own free-and-easy habit of +erecting our theatre in the first convenient street we come to, and +going through our performance without caring a rush for the Lord +Chamberlain or the Middlesex magistrates, must convince all who know +us, that we are for a thoroughly free trade in theatricals; but, +nevertheless, we think the _Great Unactables_ talk egregious nonsense +when they prate about the possibility of their efforts working "a +beneficial alteration in a law which presses so fatally on dramatic +genius." We think their tom-foolery more likely to induce restrictions +that may prevent others from exposing their mental imbecility, than to +encourage the authorities to relax the laws that might hinder them from +doing so. The boasted compliance with legal requisites in the mode of +preparing "Martinuzzi" for the stage is not a new idea, and we only +hope it may be carried out one-half as well as in the instances of +"Romeo and Juliet as the Law directs," and "Othello according to Act of +Parliament." There is a vaster amount of humbug in the play-bill of +this new concern, than in all the open puffs that have been issued for +many years past from all the regular establishments. The tirade against +the _law_--the announcement of alterations in conformity with _the +law_--the hint that the musical introductions are such as "_the law_ +may require"--mean nothing more than this--"if the piece is damned, +it's _the law_; if it succeeds, it's the _author's genius!_" Now, every +one who has written for the illegitimate stage, and therefore PUNCH in +particular, knows very well that the necessity for the introduction of +music into a piece played at one of the smaller theatres is only +nominal--that four pieces of verse are interspersed in the copy sent to +the licenser, but these are such matters of utter course, that their +invention or selection is generally left to the prompter's genius. The +piece is, unless essentially musical, licensed with the songs and acted +without--or, at least, there is no necessity whatever for retaining +them. Why, therefore, should Mr. Stephens drag "solos, duets, choruses, +and other musical arrangements," into his drama, unless it is that he +thinks they will give it a better chance of success? while, in the +event of failure, he reserves the right of turning round upon the _law_ +and the _music_, which he will declare were the means of damning it. + +A set of briefless barristers--all would-be Erskines, Thurlows, or +Eldons, at the least--might as well complain of the system that +excludes them from the Woolsack, and take a building to turn it into a +Court of Chancery on their own account, as that these luckless +scribblers, all fancying the Elizabethan mantle has fallen flop upon +their backs, should set themselves up for Shakspeares on their own +account, and seize on a metropolitan theatre as a temple for the +enshrinement of their genius. + +If PUNCH has dealt hardly with these gentlemen, it is because he will +bear "no brother near the throne" of humbug and quackery. Like a +steward who tricks his master, but keeps the rest of the servants +honest, PUNCH will gammon the public to the utmost of his skill, but he +will take care that no one else shall exercise a trade of which he +claims by prescription the entire monopoly. + + * * * * * + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +1, August 28, 1841, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14925-8.txt or 14925-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/9/2/14925/ + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG +Online Distributed Proofreading + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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