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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:45:39 -0700 |
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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/14922-8.txt b/14922-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..9a3a61c --- /dev/null +++ b/14922-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2325 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, +August 7, 1841, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, August 7, 1841 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14922] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 1. + + + +FOR THE WEEK ENDING AUGUST 7, 1841. + + * * * * * + + +THE WIFE-CATCHERS. + +A LEGEND OF MY UNCLE'S BOOTS. + +_In Four Chapters._ + + "His name 'tis proper you should hear, + 'Twas Timothy Thady Mulligin: + And whenever he finish'd his tumbler of punch, + He always wished it full agin." + + +CHAPTER II. + + +[Illustration: Y]"You can have no idea, Jack, how deeply the loss of those +venerated family retainers affected me." + +My uncle paused. I perceived that his eyes were full, and his tumbler +empty; I therefore thought it advisable to divert his sorrow, by reminding +him of our national proverb, "_Iss farr doch na skeal_[1]." + + [1] A drink is better than a story. + +The old man's eyes glistened with pleasure, as he grasped my hand, saying, +"I see, Jack, you are worthy of your name. I was afraid that +school-learning and college would have spoiled your taste for honest +drinking; but the right drop is in you still, my boy. I mentioned," +continued he, resuming the thread of his story, "that my grandfather died, +leaving to his heirs the topped boots, spurs, buckskin-breeches, and red +waistcoat; but it is about the first-mentioned articles I mean especially +to speak, as it was mainly through their respectable appearance that so +many excellent matches and successful negotiations have been concluded by +our family. If one of our cousins was about to wait on his landlord or his +sweetheart, if he meditated taking a farm or a wife, 'the tops' were +instantly brushed up, and put into requisition. Indeed, so fortunate had +they been in all the matrimonial embassies to which they had been attached, +that they acquired the name of 'the wife-catchers,' amongst the young +fellows of our family. Something of the favour they enjoyed in the eyes of +the fair sex should, perhaps, be attributed to the fact, that all the +Duffys were fine strapping fellows, with legs that seemed made for setting +off topped boots to the best advantage. + +"Well, years rolled by; the sons of mothers whose hearts had been won by +the irresistible buckism of Shawn Duffy's boots, grew to maturity, and, in +their turn, furbished up 'the wife-catchers,' when intent upon invading the +affections of other rustic fair ones. At length these invaluable relics +descended to me, as the representative of our family. It was ten years on +last Lady-day since they came into my possession, and I am proud to say, +that during that time the Duffys and 'the wife-catchers' lost nothing of +the reputation they had previously gained, for no less than nineteen +marriages and ninety-six christenings have occurred in our family during +the time. I had every hope, too, that another chalk would have been added +to the matrimonial tally, and that I should have the pleasure of completing +the score before Lent; for, one evening, about four months ago, I received +a note from your cousin Peter, informing me that he intended riding over, +on the following Sunday, to Miss Peggy Haggarty's, for the purpose of +popping the question, and requesting of me the loan of the lucky +'wife-catchers' for the occasion. + +"I need not tell you I was delighted to oblige poor Peter, who is the best +fellow and surest shot in the county, and accordingly took down the boots +from their peg in the hall. Through the negligence of the servant they have +been hung up in a damp state, and had become covered with blue mould. In +order to render them decent and comfortable for Peter, I placed them to dry +inside the fender, opposite the fire; then lighting my pipe, I threw myself +back in my chair, and as the fragrant fumes of the Indian weed curled and +wreathed around my head, with half-closed eyes turned upon the renowned +'wife-catchers,' I indulged in delightful visions of future weddings and +christenings, and recalled, with a sigh, the many pleasant ones I had +witnessed in their company." + +Here my uncle applied the tumbler to his face to conceal his emotion. "I +brought to mind," he continued (ordering; in a parenthesis, another jug of +boiling water), "I brought to mind the first time I had myself sported the +envied 'wife-catchers' at the _pattron_ of Moycullen. I was then as wild a +blade as any in Connaught, and the 'tops' were in the prime of their +beauty. In fact, I am not guilty of flattery or egotism in saying, that the +girl who could then turn up her nose at the boots, or their master, must +have been devilish hard to please. But though the hey-day of our youth had +passed, I consoled myself with the reflection that with the help of the +saints, and a pair of new soles, we might yet hold out to marry and bury +three generations to come. + +"As these anticipations passed through my mind, I was startled by a sudden +rustling near me. I raised my eyes to discover the cause, and fancy my +surprise when I beheld 'the wife-catchers,' by some marvellous power, +suddenly become animated, gradually elongating and altering themselves, +until they assumed the appearance of a couple of tall gentlemen clad in +black, with extremely sallow countenances; and what was still more +extraordinary, though they possessed separate bodies, their actions seemed +to be governed by a single mind. I stared, and doubtless so would you, +Jack, had you been in my place; but my astonishment was at its height, when +the partners, keeping side by side as closely as the Siamese twins, stepped +gracefully over the fender, and taking a seat directly opposite me, +addressed me in a voice broken by an irrepressible chuckle-- + +"'Here we are, old boy. Ugh, ugh, ugh, hoo!' + +"So I perceive, gentlemen," I replied, rather drily. + +"'You look a little alarmed--ugh, ugh, hoo, hoo, hoo!' cried the pair. +'Excuse our laughter--hoo! hoo! hoo! We mean no offence--none whatever. +Ugh, hoo, hoo, hoo! We know we are somewhat changed in appearance.' + +"I assured the transformed 'tops' I was delighted in being honoured with +their company, under any shape; hoped they would make themselves quite at +home, and take a glass with me in the friendly way. The friends shook their +heads simultaneously, declining the offer; and he whom I had hitherto known +as the _right_ foot, said in a grave voice:-- + +"'We feel obliged, sir, but we never take anything but water; moreover, our +business now is to relate to you some of the singular adventures of our +life, convinced, that in your hand they will be given to the world in three +handsome volumes.' + +"My curiosity was instantly awakened, and I drew my chair closer to my +communicative friends, who, stretching out their legs, prepared to commence +their recital." + +"'Hem!' cried the right foot, who appeared to be the spokesman, clearing +his throat and turning to his companion--'hem! which of our adventures +shall I relate first, brother?' + +"'Why,' replied the left foot, after a few moments' reflection, 'I don't +think you can do better than tell our friend the story of Terence Duffy and +the heiress.' + +"'Egad! you're right, brother; that was a droll affair:' and then, +addressing himself to me, he continued, 'You remember your Uncle Terence? A +funny dog he was, and in his young days the very devil for lovemaking and +fighting. Look here,' said the speaker, pointing to a small circular +perforation in his side, which had been neatly patched. 'This mark, which I +shall carry with me to my grave, I received in an affair between your uncle +and Captain Donovan of the North Cork Militia. The captain one day asserted +in the public library at Ballybreesthawn, that a certain Miss Biddy +O'Brannigan had hair red as a carrot. This calumny was not long in reaching +the ears of your Uncle Terence, who prided himself on being the champion of +the _sex_ in general, and of Miss Biddy O'Brannigan in particular. +Accordingly he took the earliest opportunity of demanding from the captain +an apology, and a confession that the lady's locks were a beautiful auburn. +The militia hero, who was too courageous to desert his _colours_, +maintained they were red. The result was a meeting on the daisies at four +o'clock in the morning, when the captain's ball grazed your uncle's leg, +and in return he received a compliment from Terence, in the hip, that +spoiled his dancing for life. + +"'I will not insult your penetration by telling you what I perceive you are +already aware of, that Terence Duffy was the professed admirer of Miss +Biddy. The affair with Captain Donovan raised him materially in her +estimation, and it was whispered that the hand and fortune of the heiress +were destined for her successful champion. There's an old saying, though, +that the best dog don't always catch the hare, as Terence found to his +cost. He had a rival candidate for the affections of Miss Biddy; but such a +rival--however I will not anticipate.'" + + * * * * * + + +SONGS FOR THE SENTIMENTAL, NO. 3. + + + I am thine in _my_ gladness, + I'm thine in _thy_ tears; + My love it can change not + With absence or years. + Were a dungeon thy dwelling, + My home it should be, + For its gloom would be sunshine + If I were with thee. + But the light has no beauty + Of thee, love bereft: + I am thine, and thine only! + _Thine!_--over the left! + Over the left! + + As the wild Arab hails, + On his desolate way, + The palm-tree which tells + Where the cool fountains play, + So thy presence is ever + The herald of bliss, + For there's love in thy smile, + And there's joy in thy kiss. + Thou hast won me--then wear me! + Of thee, love, bereft, + I should fade like a flower, + _Yes!_--over the left! + Over the left! + + * * * * * + + +A gentleman in Mobile has a watch that goes so fast, he is obliged to +calculate a week back to know the time of day. + +A new bass singer has lately appeared at New Orleans, who sings so +remarkably _deep_, it takes nine Kentucky lawyers to understand a single +bar! + + * * * * * + + +A NATURAL DEDUCTION + + Why S--e is long-lived at once appears-- + The ass was always famed for _length of ears_. + + * * * * * + + +WIT WITHOUT MONEY; + +OR, HOW TO LIVE UPON NOTHING. + +BY VAMPYRE HORSELEECH, ESQ. + +"Creation's heir--the world, the world is mine."--GOLDSMITH. + + +Philosophers, moralists, poets, in all ages, have never better pleased +themselves or satisfied their readers than when they have descanted upon, +deplored, and denounced the pernicious influence of money upon the heart +and the understanding. "Filthy lucre"--"so much trash as may be grasped +thus"--"yellow mischief," I know not, or choose not, to recount how many +justly injurious names have been applied to coin by those who knew, because +they had felt, its consequences. Wherefore, I say at once, it is better to +have none on't--to live without it. And yet, now I think better upon that +point, it is well not altogether to discourage its approach. On the +contrary, lay hold upon it, seize it, rescue it from hands which in all +probability would work ruin with it, and resolutely refuse, when it is once +got, to let it go out of your grasp. Let no absurd talk about quittance, +discharge, remuneration, payment, induce the holder to relax from his +inflexible purpose of palm. Pay, like party, is the madness of many for the +gain of a few. + +Unhappily, vile gold, or its representation or equivalent, has been, during +many centuries, the sole medium through which the majority of mankind have +supplied their wants, or ministered to their luxuries. It is high time that +a sage should arise to expound how the discerning few--those who have the +wit and the will (both must concur to the great end) may live--LIVE--not +like him who buys and balances himself by the book of the groveller who +wrote "How to _Live_ upon Fifty Pounds a Year"--(O shame to manhood!)--but +live, I say--"be free and merry"--"laugh and grow fat"--exchange the +courtesies of life--be a pattern of the "minor morals"--and yet: all this +without a doit in bank, bureau, or breeches' pocket. + +I am that sage. Let none deride. Haply, I shall only remind some, but I may +teach many. Those that come to scoff, may perchance go home to prey. + +Let no gentleman of the old school (for whom, indeed, my brief treatise is +not designed) be startled when I advance this proposition: That more +discreditable methods are daily practised by those who live to get money, +than are resorted to by those who without money are nevertheless under the +necessity of living. If this proposition be assented to--as, in truth, I +know not how it can be gainsaid,--nothing need be urged in vindication of +my art of _free_ living. Proceed I then at once. + +Here is a youth of promise--born, like Jaffier, with "elegant desires"--one +who does not agnize a prompt alacrity in carrying burdens--one, rather, who +recognizes a moral and physical unfitness for such, and indeed all other +dorsal and manual operations--one who has been born a Briton, and would +not, therefore, sell his birthright for a mess of pottage; but, on the +contrary, holds that his birthright entitles him to as many messes of +pottage as there may be days to his mortal span, though time's fingers +stretched beyond the distance allotted to extreme Parr or extremest +Jenkins. "Elegant desires" are gratified to the extent I purpose treating +of them, by handsome clothes--comfortable lodgings--good dinners. + +1st. _Of Handsome Clothes._--Here, I confess, I find myself in some +difficulty. The man who knows not how to have his name entered in the +day-book of a tailor, is not one who could derive any benefit from +instruction of mine. He must be a born natural. Why, it comes by instinct. + +2nd. _Of Comfortable Lodgings._--Easily obtained and secured. The easiest +thing in life. But the wit without money must possess very little more of +the former than of the latter, if he do not, even when snugly ensconced in +one splendid suite of apartments, have his eye upon many others; for +landladies are sometimes vexatiously impertinent, and novelty is desirable. +Besides, his departure may be (nay, often is) extremely sudden. When in +quest of apartments, I have found tarnished cards in the windows +preferable. They imply a length of vacancy of the floor, and a consequent +relaxation of those narrow, worldly (some call them prudent) scruples, +which landladies are apt to nourish. Hints of a regular income, payable +four times a year, have their weight; nay, often convert weekly into +quarterly lodgings. Be sure there are no children in your house. They are +vociferous when you would enjoy domestic retirement, and inquisitive when +you take the air. Once (_horresco referens!_) on returning from my +peripatetics, I was accosted with brutally open-mouthed clamour, by my +landlady, who, dragging me in a state of bewilderment into her room, +pointed to numerous specimens of granite, which her "young people" had, in +their unhallowed thirst for knowledge, discovered and drawn from my trunk, +which, by some strange mischance, had been left unlocked! In vain I mumbled +something touching my love of mineralogy, and that a lapidary had offered I +knew not what for my collection. I was compelled to "bundle," as the +idiomatic, but ignorant woman expressed herself. To resume. + +Let not the nervous or sensitive wit imagine that, in a vast metropolis +like London, his chance of securing an appropriate lodging and a confiding +landlady is at all doubtful. He might lodge safe from the past, certain of +the future, till the crash of doom. I shall be met by Ferguson's case. +Ferguson I knew well, and I respected him. But he had a most unfortunate +countenance. It was a very solemn, but by no means a solvent face; and yet +he had a manner with him too, and his language was choice, if not +persuasive. That the matter of his speech was plausible, none ever presumed +to deny. "It is all very well, Mr. Ferguson,"--_that_ was always conceded. +I do not wish to speak ill of the dead; but Ferguson never entered a +lodging without being compelled to pay a fortnight in advance, and always + +[Illustration: EXPECTED TO BE OUT SHORTLY.] + +3rd. _Of Good Dinners._--Wits, like other men, are distinguished by a +variety of tastes and inclinations. Some prefer dining at taverns and +eating-houses; others, more discreet or less daring, love the quiet +security of the private house, with its hospitable inmates, courteous +guests, and no possibility of "bill transactions." I confess when I was +young and inexperienced, wanting that wisdom which I am now happy to +impart, I was a constant frequenter of taverns, eating-houses, +oyster-rooms, and similar places of entertainment. I am old now, and have +been persecuted by a brutal world, and am grown timid. But I was ever a +peaceable man--hated quarrels--never came to words if I could help it. _I +do not recommend the tavern, eating-house, oyster-room system._ These are +the words of wisdom. The waiters at these places are invariably sturdy, +fleet, abusive rascals, who cannot speak and will not listen to reason. To +eat one's dinner, drink a pint of sherry, and then, calling for the bill, +take out one's pocket-book, and post it in its rotation in a neat hand, +informing the waiter the while, that it is a simple debt, and so forth; +this really requires nerve. Great spirits only are equal to it. It is an +innovation upon old, established forms, however absurd--and innovators +bring down upon themselves much obloquy. To run from the score you have run +up--not to pay your shot, but to shoot from payment--this is not always +safe, and invariably spoils digestion. No; it is not more honourable--far +from it--but it is better; for you should strive to become, what is +commonly called--"A Diner Out"--that is to say, one who continues to sit +at the private tables of other men every day of his life, and by his so +potent art, succeeds in making them believe that they are very much +obliged to him. + +How to be this thing--this "Diner Out"--I shall teach you, by a few short +rules next week. Till then--farewell! + + * * * * * + + +Lord William Paget has applied to the Lord Chancellor, to inquire whether +the word "jackass" is not opprobrious and actionable. His lordship says, +"No, decidedly, in this case only synonymous." + + * * * * * + + +THE POLITICAL QUACK. + +Sir Robert Peel has convinced us of one thing by his Tamworth speech, that +whatever danger the constitution may be in, he will not proscribe for the +patient until he is _regularly called in_. A beautiful specimen of the old +Tory leaven. Sir Robert objects to give _Advice gratis_. + + * * * * * + + +TO FANCY BUILDERS AND CAPITALISTS. + +A large assortment of peculiarly fine oyster-shells, warranted fire-proof +and of first-rate quality; exquisitely adapted for the construction of +grottoes. May be seen by cards only, to be procured of Mr. George Robins, +or the clerks of Billingsgate or Hungerfofd markets. + +N.B.--Some splendid ground at the corners of popular and well-frequented +streets, to be let on short leases for edifices of the above description. +Apply as before. + + * * * * * + + +LITERARY RECIPES. + + +The following invaluable literary recipes have been most kindly forwarded +by the celebrated Ude. They are the produce of many years' intense study, +and, we must say, the very best things of the sort we have ever met with. +There is much delicacy in M. Ude leaving it to us, as to whether the +communication should be anonymous. We think not, as the peculiarity of the +style would at once establish the talented authorship, and, therefore, +attempted concealment would be considered as the result of a too morbidly +modest feeling. + + +HOW TO COOK UP A FASHIONABLE NOVEL. + +Take a consummate puppy--M.P.s preferable (as they are generally the +softest, and don't require much pressing)--baste with self-conceit--stuff +with slang--season with maudlin sentiment--hash up with a popular +publisher--simmer down with preparatory advertisements. Add six reams of +gilt-edged paper--grate in a thousand quills--garnish with marble covers, +and morocco backs and corners. Stir up with magazine puffs--skim off +sufficient for preface. Shred scraps of French and small-talk, very fine. +Add "superfine coats"--"satin stocks"--"bouquets"--"opera-boxes"--"a +duel"--an elopement--St. George's Church--silver bride favours--eight +footmen--four postilions--the like number of horses--a "dredger" of +smiles--some filtered tears--half-mourning for a dead uncle (the better if +he has a twitch in his nose), and serve with anything that will bear +"_frittering_." + + +A SENTIMENTAL DITTO. + +(_By the same Author._) + +Take a young lady--dress her in blue ribbons--sprinkle with innocence, +spring flowers, and primroses. Procure a Baronet (a Lord if in season); if +not, a depraved "younger son"--trim him with écarté, rouge et noir, Epsom, +Derby, and a slice of Crockford's. Work up with rustic cottage, an aged +father, blind mother, and little brothers and sisters in brown holland +pinafores. Introduce mock abduction--strong dose of virtue and repentance. +Serve up with village church--happy parent--delighted daughter--reformed +rake--blissful brothers--syren sisters--and perfect _dénouement_. + +N.B. Season with perspective christening and postponed epitaph. + + +A STARTLING ROMANCE. + +Take a small boy, charity, factory, carpenter's apprentice, or otherwise, +as occasion may serve--stew him well down in vice--garnish largely with +oaths and flash songs--boil him in a cauldron of crime and improbabilities. +Season equally with good and bad qualities--infuse petty larceny, +affection, benevolence, and burglary, honour and housebreaking, amiability +and arson--boil all gently. Stew down a mad mother--a gang of +robbers--several pistols--a bloody knife. Serve up with a couple of +murders--and season with a hanging-match. + +N.B. Alter the ingredients to a beadle and a workhouse--the scenes may be +the same, but the whole flavour of vice will be lost, and the boy will turn +out a perfect pattern.--Strongly recommended for weak stomachs. + + +AN HISTORICAL DITTO. + +Take a young man six feet high--mix up with a horse--draw a squire from his +father's estate (the broad-shouldered and loquacious are the best +sort)--prepare both for potting (that is, exporting). When abroad, +introduce a well-pounded Saracen--a foreign princess--stew down a couple of +dwarfs and a conquered giant--fill two sauce-tureens with a prodigious +ransom. Garnish with garlands and dead Turks. Serve up with a royal +marriage and cloth of gold. + + +A NARRATIVE. + +Take a distant village--follow with high-road--introduce and boil down +pedlar, gut his pack, and cut his throat--hang him up by the heels--when +enough, let his brother cut him down--get both into a stew--pepper the real +murderer--grill the innocent for a short time--then take them off, and put +delinquents in their place (these can scarcely be broiled too much, and a +strong fire is particularly recommended). When real perpetrators are +_done_, all is complete. + +If the parties have been poor, serve up with mint sauce, and the name of +the enriched sufferer. + + +BIOGRAPHY OF KINGS. + +Lay in a large stock of "gammon" and pennyroyal--carefully strip and pare +all the tainted parts away, when this can be done without destroying the +whole--wrap it up in printed paper, containing all possible virtues--baste +with flattery, stuff with adulation, garnish with fictitious attributes, +and a strong infusion of sycophancy. + +Serve up to prepared courtiers, who have been previously well seasoned with +long-received pensions or sinecures. + + +DRAMATIC RECIPES. + +FOR THE ADELPHI.--VERY FINE! + +Take a beautiful and highly-accomplished young female, imbued with every +virtue, but slightly addicted to bigamy! Let her stew through the first act +as the bride of a condemned convict--then season with a benevolent but very +ignorant lover--add a marriage. Stir up with a gentleman in dusty boots and +large whiskers. _Dredge_ in a meeting, and baste with the knowledge of the +dusty boot proprietor being her husband. Let this steam for some time; +during which, prepare, as a covering, a pair of pistols--carefully insert +the bullet in the head of him of the dusty boots. Dessert--general offering +of LADIES' FINGERS! Serve up with red fire and tableaux. + + +FOR MESSRS. MACREADY AND CHARLES KEAN. + +Take an enormous hero--work him up with improbabilities--dress him in +spangles and a long train--disguise his head as much as possible, as the +great beauty of this dish is to avoid any resemblance to the "_tête de veau +au naturel_." + +[Illustration: A TETE A TETE.] + +Grill him for three acts. When well worked up, add a murder or large dose +of innocence (according to the palate of the guests)--Season, with a strong +infusion of claqueurs and box orders. Serve up with twelve-sheet posters, +and imaginary Shaksperian announcements. + +N.B. Be careful, in cooking the heroes, not to turn their backs _to the +front range_--should you do so the dish will be spoiled. + + +FOR THE ROYAL VIC. + +(_A Domestic Sketch._) + +Take a young woman--give her six pounds a year--work up her father and +mother into a viscous paste--bind all with an abandoned poacher--throw in a +"dust of virtue," and a "handful of vice." When the poacher is about to +boil over, put him into another saucepan, let him simmer for some time, and +then he will turn out "lord of the manor," and marry the young woman. Serve +up with bludgeons, handcuffs, a sentimental gaoler, and a large tureen of +innocence preserved. + + +FOR THE SURREY NAUTICAL. + +Take a big man with a loud voice, dress him with a pair of ducks, and, if +pork is comeatable, a pigtail--stuff his jaws with an imitation quid, and +his mouth with a large assortment of _dammes_. Garnish with two +broad-swords and a hornpipe. Boil down a press-gang and six or seven +smugglers, and (if in season) a bo'swain and large +cat-o'-nine-tails.--Sprinkle the dish with two lieutenants, four +midshipmen, and about seven or eight common sailors. Serve up with a pair +of epaulettes and an admiral in a white wig, silk stockings, smalls, and +the Mutiny Act. + + * * * * * + + +OUR CITY ARTICLE. + +We have no arrivals to-day, but are looking out anxiously for the overland +mail from Battersea. It is expected that news will be brought of the state +of the mushroom market, and great inconvenience in the mean time is felt by +the dealers, who are holding all they have got, in the anticipation of a +fall; while commodities are, of course, every moment getting heavier. + +The London and Westminster steam-boat _Tulip_, with letters from Milbank, +was planted in the mud off Westminster for several hours, and those who +looked for the correspondence, had to look much longer than could have been +agreeable. + +The egg market has been in a very unsettled state all the week; and we have +heard whispers of a large breakage in one of the wholesale houses. This is +caused by the dead weight of the packing-cases, to which every house in the +trade is liable. In the fruit market, there is positively nothing doing; +and the _growers_, who are every day becoming _less_, complain bitterly. +Raspberries were very slack, at 2-1/2d. per pottle; but dry goods still +brought their prices. We have heard of several severe smashes in currants, +and the bakers, who, it is said, generally contrive to get a finger in the +pie, are among the sufferers. + +The salmon trade is, for the most part, in a pickle; but we should regret +to say anything that might be misinterpreted. The periwinkle and wilk +interest has sustained a severe shock; but potatoes continue to be _done_ +much as usual. + + * * * * * + +TO SIR F--S B--T. + + "A dinner is to be given to Captain Rous on the 20th inst., at + which Sir Francis Burdett has promised to preside."--_Morning + Paper._ + + Egyptian revels often boast a guest + In sparkling robes and blooming chaplets drest; + But, oh! what loathsomeness is hid beneath-- + A fleshless, mould'ring effigy of death; + A thing to check the smile and wake the sigh, + With thoughts that living excellence can die. + How many at the coming feast will see + THE SKELETON OF HONOURED WORTH IN THEE! + + * * * * * + + +SUPREME: COURT OF THE LORD HIGH INQUISITOR PUNCH. + + "Laselato ogni speranza, voi ch' intrate!" + +JOHN BULL _v._ THE PEEL PLACE-HUNTING COMPANY. + +MR. JOBTICKLER said he had to move in this cause for an injunction to +restrain the Peel Place-hunting Company from entering into possession of +the estates of plaintiff. It appeared from the affidavits on which he +moved, that the defendants, though not in actual possession, laid an +equitable claim to the fee simple of the large estates rightfully belonging +to the plaintiff, over which they were about to exercise sovereign +dominion. They had entered into private treaty with the blind old man who +held the post of chief law-grubber of the Exchequer, offering him a bribe +to pretend illness, and take half his present pay, in order to fasten one +of the young and long-lived leeches--one Sir Frederick Smal-luck--to the +vacant bench. They were about to compel a decentish sort of man, who did +the business of Chancery as well as such business can be done under the +present system, to retire upon half allowance, in order to make room for +one Sir William Fullhat, who had no objection to £14,000 a year and a +peerage. They were about to fill two sub-chancellorships, which they would +not on any account allow the company in the present actual possession of +the estates to fill up with a couple of their own shareholders; and were, +in fine, proceeding to dispose of, by open sale, and by private contract, +the freehold, leasehold, and funded property of plaintiff, to the +incalculable danger of the estate, and to the disregard of decency and +justice. What rendered this assumption and exercise of power the more +intolerable, was, that the persons the most unfit were selected; and as if, +it would appear, from a "hateful love of contraries," the man learned in +law being sent to preside over the business of equity, of which he knew +nothing, and the man learned in equity being entrusted with the direction +of law of which he knew worse than nothing; being obliged to unlearn all he +had previously learnt, before he began to learn his new craft. + +LORD HIGH INQUISITOR.--Don't you know, sir, that _poeta nascitur non fit?_ +Is not a judge a judge the moment he applies himself to the seat of +justice? + +MR. JOBTICKLER.--Most undoubtedly it is so, my lord, as your lordship is a +glorious example, but-- + +LORD HIGH INQUISITOR.--But me no buts, sir. I'll have no allusions made to +my person. What way are the cases on the point you would press on the +court? + +MR. JOBTICKLER.--The cases, I am sorry to say, are all in favour of the +Peel Place-hunting Company's proceedings; but the principle, my lord, the +principle! + +LORD HIGH INQUISITOR.--Principle! What has principle to do with law, Sir? +Really the bar is losing all reverence for authority, all regard for +consistency. I must put a stop to such revolutionary tendencies on the part +of gentlemen who practise in my court. Sit down, sir. + +MR. JOBTICKLER.--May my client have the injunction? + +LORD HIGH INQUISITOR.--No-o-o-o! But he shall pay all the costs, and I only +wish I could double them for his impertinence. You, sir, you deserve to be +stripped of your gown for insulting the ears of the court with such a +motion. + +CRIER.--Any more appeals, causes, or motions, in the Supreme Court of the +Lord High Inquisitor Punch, to-day? (A dead silence.) + +LORD HIGH INQUISITOR (bowing gracefully to the bar).--Good morning, +gentlemen. You behold how carefully we fulfil the letter of Magna Charta. + + "Nulli vendemus, nulli negabimus, aut differemus rectum vel + justitiam." [_Exit._] + +CRIER.--This Court will sit the next time it is the Lord High Inquisitor's +pleasure that it should sit, and at no other period or time.--God save the +Queen! + + * * * * * + + +AN AN-TEA ANACREONTIC.--No. 3. + +[Greek: EIS LYRAN.] + + Apollo! ere the adverse fates + Gave thy lyre to Mr. Yates[2], + I have melted at thy strain + When Bunn reign'd o'er Drury-lane; + For the music of thy strings + Haunts the ear when Romer sings. + But to me _that_ voice is mute! + Tuneless kettle-drum and flute + I but hear _one_ liquid lyre-- + Kettle bubbling on the fire, + Whizzing, fizzing, steaming out + Music from its curved spot, + Wak'ning visions by its song + Of thy nut-brown streams, Souchong; + Lumps of crystal saccharine-- + Liquid pearl distill'd from kine; + Nymphs whose gentle voices mingle + With the silver tea-spoons' jingle! + Symposiarch I o'er all preside, + The Pidding of the fragrant tide. + Such the dreams that fancy brings, + When my tuneful kettle sings! + + [2] This celebrated instrument now crowns the chaste yet elaborate + front of the Adelphi Theatre, where full-length effigies of Mr. + and Mrs. Yates may be seen silently inviting the public to walk + in. + + * * * * * + +AUTHENTIC. + +FROM EBENEZER BEWLEY, OF LONDON, TO HIS FRIEND REUBEN PIM, OF LIVERPOOL. + +7th mo. 29th, 1841. + +Friend Reuben,--I am in rect. of thine of 27th inst., and note contents. It +affordeth me consolation that the brig _Hazard_ hath arrived safely in thy +port--whereof I myself was an underwriter--also, that a man-child hath been +born unto thee and to thy faithful spouse Rebecca. Nevertheless, the house +of Crash and Crackitt hath stopped payment, which hath caused sore +lamentation amongst the faithful, who have discounted their paper. It hath +pleased Providence to raise the price of E.I. sugars; the quotations of +B.P. coffee are likewise improving, in both of which articles I am a large +holder. Yet am I not puffed up with foolish vanity, but have girded myself +round with the girdle of lowliness, even as with the band which is all +round my hat! In token whereof, I offered to hand 20 puncheons of the +former, as [Symbol: profit] margin. + +There are serious ferments and heartburnings amongst the great ones of this +land: and those that sit on the benches called "The Treasury" are become +sore afraid, for he whom men call Lord John Russell hath had notice to +quit. Thereat, the Tories rejoice mightily, and lick their chops for the +fat morsels and the sops in the pan that Robert the son of _Jenny_ hath +promised unto his followers. Nevertheless, tidings have reached me that a +good spec. might be made in Y.C. tallow, whereon I desire thy opinion; as +also on the practice of stuffing roast turkey with green walnuts, which +hath been highly recommended by certain of the brethren here, who have with +long diligence and great anxiety meditated upon the subject. + +And now, I counsel thee, hold fast the change which thou hast, striving +earnestly for that which thou hast not, taking heed especially that no man +comes the "artful" over thee; whereby I caution thee against one Tom +Kitefly of Manchester, whose bills have returned back unto me, clothed with +that unseemly garment which the notary calleth "a protest." Assuredly he is +a viper in the paths of the unwary, and will bewray thee with his fair +speeches; therefore, I say, take heed unto him. + +I remain thy friend, +EBEN. BEWLEY. +Mincing Lane. + + * * * * * + + +TO BAD JOKERS. + +Sir,--Seeing in the first number of your paper an announcement from Mr. +Thomas Hood, that he was in want of a laugher, I beg to offer my services +in that comic capacity, and to hand you my card and certificates of my +cachinnatory powers. + +T.C. + + CARD. + + Mr. Toady Chuckle begs to inform wits, punsters, and jokers in + general that he + + GOES OUT LAUGHING. + + His truly invaluable zest for bad jokes has been patronised by + several popular farce-writers and parliamentary Pasquins. + + Mr. T.C. always has at command smiles for satire, simpers for + repartee, sniggers for conundrums, titters for puns, and guffaws for + jocular anecdotes. By Mr. T.C.'s system, cues for laughter are + rendered unnecessary, as, from a long course of practical + experience, the moment of cachinnation is always judiciously + selected. + + N.B. The worst Jokes laughed at, and rendered successful. Old Joes + made to tell as well as new. + + * * * * * + + + COMIC CREDENTIALS. + + T.R.C.G. + + Sir,--I feel myself bound in justice to you and your invaluable + laughter, as well as to others who may be suffering, as I have + been, with a weakly farce, to inform you of its extraordinary + results in my case. My bantling was given up by all the faculty, + when you were happily shown into the boxes. One laugh removed all + sibillatory indications; a second application of your invaluable + cachinnation elicited slight applause; whilst a third, in the form + of a _guffaw_, rendered it perfectly successful. + + From the prevalence of dulness among dramatic writers, I have no + doubt that your services will be in general requisition. + + I am, yours, very respectfully, + J.R. Planche. + C---- C----. + + + Sir,--I beg to inform you, for the good of other bad jokers, that I + deem the introduction of your truly valuable cachinnation one of + the most important ever made; in proof of which, allow me to state, + that after a joke of mine had proved a failure for weeks, I was + induced to try your cachinnation, by the use of which it met with + unequivocal success; and, I declare, if the cost were five guineas + a _guffaw_, I would not be without it. + + Yours truly, + Charles Delaet Waldo Sibthorp (Colonel). + + * * * * * + + +"MY NAME'S THE DOCTOR"--(_vide_ Peel's Speech at Tamworth.) + +The two doctors, Peel and Russell, who have been so long engaged in +renovating John Bull's "glorious constitution!" though they both adopt the +lowering system at present, differ as to the form of practice to be +pursued. Russell still strenuously advocates his _purge_, while Sir Robert +insists upon the efficacy of _bleeding_. + + "Who shall decide when doctors disagree?" + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH'S INFORMATION FOR THE PEOPLE.--NO. 1. + +BEING A VERY FAMILIAR TREATISE ON ASTRONOMY. + + +Our opinion is, that science cannot be too familiarly dealt with; and +though too much familiarity certainly breeds contempt, we are only +following the fashion of the day, in rendering science somewhat +contemptible, by the strange liberties that publishers of _Penny +Cyclopædias_, three-halfpenny _Informations_, and twopenny _Stores of +Knowledge_, are prone to take with it. + +In order to show that we intend going at high game, we shall begin with the +stars; and if we do not succeed in levelling the heavens to the very +meanest capacity--even to that of + +[Illustration: AN INFANT IN ARMS--] + +we shall at once give up all claims to the title of an enlightener of the +people. + +Every body knows there are planets in the air, which are called the +_planetary_ system. Every one knows our globe goes upon its axis, and has +two poles, but what is the axis, and what the poles are made of--whether of +wood, or any other material--are matters which, as far as the mass are +concerned, are involved in the greatest possible obscurity. + +The north pole is chiefly remarkable for no one having ever succeeded in +reaching it, though there seems to have been a regular communication to it +by post in the time of Pope, whose lines-- + + "Speed the soft intercourse from zone to zone. + And waft a sigh from Indus _to the pole_," + +imply, without doubt, that packages reached the pole; not, however, without +regard to the _size_ (SIGHS), which may have been limited. + +The sun, every body knows, is very large, and indeed the size has been +ascertained to an inch, though we must say we should like to see the +gentleman who measured it. Astronomers declare there are spots upon it, +which may be the case, unless the _savans_ have been misled by specks of +dirt on the bottom of their telescopes. As these spots are said to +disappear from time to time, we are strongly inclined to think our idea is +the correct one. Some insist that the sun is liquid like water, but if it +were, the probability is, that from its intense heat, the whole must have +boiled away long ago, or put itself out, which is rather more feasible. + +We do not think it necessary to go into the planets, for, if we did, it is +not unlikely we should be some time time before we got out again; but we +shall say a few words about our own Earth, in which our readers must, of +course, take a special interest. + +It has been decided, that, viewed from the moon, our globe presents a +mottled appearance; but, as this assertion can possibly rest on no better +authority than that of the Man in the Moon, we must decline putting the +smallest faith in it. + +It is calculated that a day in the moon lasts just a fortnight, and that +the night is of the same duration. If this be the case, the watchmen in the +moon must be horridly over-worked, and daily labourers must be fatigued in +proportion. When the moon is on the increase, it is seen in the crescent; +but whether Mornington-crescent or Burton-crescent, or any other crescent +in particular, has not been mentioned by either ancient or modern +astronomers. The only articles we get from the moon, are moonlight and +madness. _Lunar_ caustic is not derived from the planet alluded to. + +Of the stars, one of the most brilliant is _Sirius_, or _the Dog-star_, +which it is calculated gives just one-twenty-millionth part of the light of +the sun, or about as much as that of a farthing rushlight. It would seem +that such a shabby degree of brilliancy was hardly worth having; but when +it is remembered that it takes three years to come, it really seems hardly +worth while to travel so far to so very little purpose. + +The most magnificent of the starry phenomena, is the Milky Way or _Whey_; +and, indeed, the epithet seems superfluous, for all _whey_ is to a certain +extent milky. The _Band of Orion_ is familiar to all of us by name; but it +is not a musical band, as most people are inclined to think it is. Perhaps +the allusion to the _music of the spheres_ may have led to this popular +error, as well as to that which regards Orion's _band_ as one of _wind_ +instruments. + +We shall not go into those ingenious calculations that some astronomers +have indulged in, as to the time it would take for a cannon-ball to come +from the sun to the earth, for we really hope the earth will never be +troubled by so unwelcome a visitor. Nor shall we throw out any suggestions +as to how long a bullet would be going from the globe to the moon; for we +do not think any one would be found goose enough to take up his rifle with +the intention of trying the experiment. + +Comets are, at present, though very luminous bodies, involved in +considerable obscurity. Though there is plenty of light in comets, we are +almost entirely in the dark concerning them. All we know about them is, +that they are often coming, but never come, and that, after frightening us +every now and then, by threatening destruction to our earth, they turn +sharp off, all of a sudden, and we see no more of them. Astronomers have +spied at them, learned committees have sat upon them, and old women have +been frightened out of their wits by them; but, notwithstanding all this, +the _comet_ is so utterly mysterious, that "thereby _hangs a tail_" is all +we are prepared to say respecting it. + +We trust the above remarks will have thrown a light on the sun and moon, +illustrated the stars, and furnished a key to the skies in general; but +those who require further information are referred to Messrs. Adams and +Walker, whose plans of the universe, consisting of several yellow spots on +a few yards of black calico, are exactly the things to give the students of +astronomy a full development of those ideas which it has been our aim to +open out to him. + + * * * * * + + +NEW STUFFING FOR THE SPEAKER'S CHAIR. + + "With too much blood and too little brain, these two may run mad; + but if with too much brain and too little blood, they do, I'll be a + curer of madmen."--_Troilus and Cressida_. + + +MR. PETER BORTHWICK and Colonel Sibthorpe are both named as candidates for +the Speaker's chair. Peter has a certificate of being "a _bould_ speaker," +from old Richardson, in whose company he was engaged as parade-clown and +check-taker. The gallant Colonel, however, is decidedly the favourite, +notwithstanding his very ungracious summary of the Whigs some time ago. We +would give one of the buttons off our hump to see + +[Illustration: SIBTHORPE IN THE CHAIR.] + + * * * * * + + +MR. JOSEPH MUGGINS begs to inform his old crony, PUNCH, that the report of +Sir John Pullon, "as to the possibility of elevating an ass to the head of +the poll by bribery and corruption" is perfectly correct, provided there is +no abatement in the price. Let him canvass again, and Mr. J.M. pledges +himself, whatever his weight, if he will only stand "one penny more, up +goes the donkey!" + +[Illustration: CANDIDATE AT THE HEAD OF THE POLE.] + + * * * * * + + +OLD BAILEY. + +Robbed--Melbourne's butcher of his twelvemonth's billings. + +Verdict--Stealing under forty shillings. + + * * * * * + + +LEGAL PUGILISM. + +The Chancery bar has been lately occupied with a question relating to a +patent for pins' heads. The costs are estimated at £5000. The lawyers are +the best boxers, after all. Only let them get a _head in chancery_, even a +_pin's_, and see how they make the proprietor _bleed_. + + * * * * * + + +INQUEST. + +Died, Eagle Rouse--Verdict, _Felo de se_. + +Induced by being ta'en for--Ross, M.P. + + * * * * * + + +RUMBALL THE COMEDIAN. + +When Mr. Rumball was at the Surrey Theatre, the treasurer paid him the +proceeds of a share of a benefit in half-crowns, shillings, and sixpences, +which Rumball boasted that he had carried home on his head. His friends, +from that day, accounted for his _silvery_ hair! + + * * * * * + + +FOREIGN AFFAIRS. + +We beg to invite attention to the aspect of our Foreign Affairs. It is +dark, lowering, gloomy--some would say, alarming. When it smiles, its +smiles deceive. To use the very mildest term, it is exceedingly suspicious. +Let John Bull look to his pockets. + +It is, nevertheless, but a piece of justice to state, that, formidable as +the appearance of Foreign Affairs may be, no blame whatever can, in our +opinion, be attached to Lord Palmerston. + +The truth is, that the Foreign Affairs of PUNCH are not the Foreign Affairs +of Politics. They are certain living beings; and we call them Affairs, by +way of compromise with some naturalists, to whom the respective claims of +man and the ape to their relationship may appear as yet undecided. + +In their anatomical construction they undoubtedly resemble mankind; they +are also endowed with the faculty of speech. Their clothes, moreover, do +not grow upon their backs, although they look very much as if they did. +They come over here in large numbers from other countries, chiefly from +France; and in London abound in Leicester-square, and are constantly to be +met with under the Quadrant in Regent-street, where they grin, gabble, +chatter, and sometimes dance, to the no small diversion of the passengers. + +As these Foreign Affairs have long been the leaders of fashion, and +continue still to give the tone to the manners and sentiments of the +politer circles, where also their language is, perhaps, more frequently +spoken than the vernacular tongue; and as there is something about them--no +matter what--which renders them great favourites with a portion of the +softer sex, we shall endeavour to point out, for the edification of those +who may be disposed to copy them, those peculiarities of person, +deportment, and dress, by which their tribe is distinguished. + +We address ourselves more particularly to those whose animal part--every +man is said to resemble, in some respect, one of the lower animals--is made +up of the marmozet and the puppy. + +Be it known, then, to all those whom it may concern, that there are, to +speak in a general way, two great classes of Foreign Affairs--the shining +and the dingy. + +The characteristic appearance of the former might, perhaps, be obtained by +treating the apparel with a preparation of plumbago or black lead; that of +the latter by the use of some fuliginous substance, as a dye, or, perhaps, +by direct fumigation. The gloss upon the cheeks might be produced by +perseverance in the process of dry-rubbing; the more humid style of visage, +by the application of emollient cataplasms. General sallowness would +result, as a matter of course, from assiduous dissipation. Young gentlemen +thus glazed and varnished, _French_-polished, in fact, from top to toe, +might glitter in the sun like beetles; or adopt, if they preferred it, as +being better adapted for lady-catching, the more sombre guise of the +spider. + +Foreign Affairs have two opposite modes of wearing the hair; we can +recommend both to those studious of elegance. The locks may be suffered to +flow about the shoulders in ringlets, resembling the tendrils of the vine, +by which means much will be done towards softening down the asperities of +sex; or they may be cropped close to the scalp in such a manner as to +impart a becoming prominence to the ears. When the development of those +appendages is more than usually ample, and when nature has given the head a +particularly stiff and erect covering, descending in two lateral +semicircles, and a central point on the forehead, the last mentioned style +is the more appropriate By its adoption, the most will be made of certain +personal, we might almost say generic, advantages;--we shall call it, in +the language of the Foreign Affairs themselves, the _coiffure à-la-singe_. + +Useful hints, with respect to the management of the whiskers, may be +derived from the study of Foreign Affairs. The broad, shorn, smooth extent +of jaw, darkened merely on its denuded surface, and the trimmed regular +fringe surrounding the face, are both, in perhaps equal degrees, worthy of +the attention of the tasteful. The shaggy beard and mustachios, especially, +if aided by the effect of a ferocious scowl, will admirably suit those who +would wish to have an imposing appearance; the chin, with its pointed tuft +_à la capricorne_, will, at all events, ensure distinction from the human +herd; and the decorated upper lip, with its downy growth dyed black, and +gummed (the cheek at the same time having been faintly tinged with rouge, +the locks parted, perfumed, and curled, the waist duly compressed, a slight +addition, if necessary, made to the breadth of the hips, and the feet +confined by the most taper and diminutive _chausserie_ imaginable), will +just serve to give to the _tout ensemble_ that one touch of the masculine +character which, perhaps, it may be well to retain. + +The remarkable tightness and plumpness of limbs and person exhibited by +Foreign Affairs cannot have escaped observation. This attractive quality +may be acquired by purchasing the material out of which the clothes are to +be made, and giving the tailor only just as much as may exactly suffice for +the purpose. Its general effect will be much aided by wearing wristbands +turned up over the cuff, and collars turned down upon the stock. An +agreeable contrast of black and white will thus also be produced. Those who +are fonder of harmony will do well to emulate the closely-buttoned sables +likewise worn by a large class of Foreign Affairs, who, affecting a uniform +tint, eschew the ostentation of linen. + +The diminution of the width of their coat collars, and the increase of the +convexity of their coat tails, an object which, by artificial assistance, +might easily be gained, are measures which we would earnestly press on all +who are ambitious of displaying an especial resemblance to Foreign Affairs. +We also advise them to have lofty, napless, steeple-crowned hats. + +He who would pass for a shining specimen, in every sense of the word, of a +Foreign Affair, should wear varnished boots, which, if composed partly of +striped cloth, or what is much prettier, of silk, will display the ancles +to the better advantage. + +With regard to colours in the matter of costume, the contemplation of +Foreign Affairs will probably induce a preference for black, as being +better suited to the complexion, though it will, at the same time, teach +that the hues of the rainbow are capable, under certain circumstances, of +furnishing useful suggestions. + +It will have been perceived that the Foreign Affairs of which we have been +treating are the Affairs of one particular nation: beside these, however, +there are others; but since all of their characteristics may be acquired by +letting the clothes alone, never interfering with the hair, abstaining from +the practice of ablution, and smoking German pipes about the streets, they +are hardly worth dwelling upon. Those who have light and somewhat shaggy +locks will study such models with the best success. + +Not only the appearance, but the manners also, of Foreign Affairs, may be +copied with signal benefit. Two of their accomplishments will be found +eminently serviceable--the art of looking black, and that of leering. These +physiognomical attainments, exhibited by turns, have a marvellous power of +attracting female eyes--those of them, at least, that have a tendency to +wander abroad. The best way of becoming master of these acquisitions is, to +peruse with attention the features of bravoes and brigands on the one hand, +and those of opera-dancers on the other. The progress of Foreign Affairs +should be attentively watched, as the manner of it is distinguished by a +peculiar grace. This, perhaps, we cannot better teach anyone to catch, than +by telling him to endeavour, in walking, to communicate, at each step, a +lateral motion to his coat tail. The gait of a popular actress, dressed as +a young officer, affords, next to that actually in question, the best +exemplification of our meaning. Habitual dancing before a looking-glass, by +begetting a kind of second nature, which will render the movements almost +instinctive, will be of great assistance in this particular. + +In order to secure that general style and bearing for which Foreign Affairs +are so remarkable, the mind must be carefully divested of divers +incompatible qualities--such as self-respect, the sense of shame, the +reverential instinct, and that of conscience, as certain feelings are +termed. It must also be relieved of any inconvenient weight of knowledge +under which it may labour; though these directions are perhaps needless, as +those who have any inclination to form themselves after the pattern of +Foreign Affairs, are not very likely to have any such moral or intellectual +disqualifications to get rid of. However, it would only be necessary to +become conversant with the Affairs themselves, in order, if requisite, to +remove all difficulties of the sort. "There is a thing," reader, "which +thou hast often heard of, and it is known to many in our land by the name +of pitch;" we need not finish the quotation. + +To defend the preceding observations from misconstruction, we will make, in +conclusion, one additional remark; Foreign _Affairs_ are one thing--Foreign +_Gentlemen_ another. + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH'S PENCILLINGS--No. IV. + +[Illustration: FOREIGN AFFAIRS by (a drawing of an ink bottle)] + + * * * * * + + +THE MINTO-HOUSE MANIFESTO + +Some of our big mothers of the broad-sheet have expressed their surprise +that Lord John Russell should have penned so long an address to the +citizens of London, only the day before his wedding. For ourselves, we +think, it would have augured a far worse compliment to Lady John had he +written it the day after. These gentlemen very properly look upon marriage +as a most awful ceremony, and would, therefore, indirectly compliment the +nerve of a statesman who pens a political manifesto with the torch of Hymen +in his eyes, and the whole house odorous of wedding-cake. In the like +manner have we known the last signature of an unfortunate gentleman, about +to undergo a great public and private change, eulogized for the firmness +and clearness of its letters, with the perfect mastery of the supplementary +flourish. However, what is written is written; whether penned to the +rustling of bridesmaids' satins, or the surplice of the consolatory +ordinary--whether to the anticipated music of a marriage peal, or to the +more solemn accompaniment of the bell of St. Sepulchre's. + +Ha! Lord John, had you only spoken out a little year ago--had you only told +her Majesty's Commons what you told the Livery of London--then, at this +moment, you had been no moribund minister--then had Sir Robert Peel been as +far from St. James's as he has ever been from Chatham. But so it is: the +Whig Ministry, like martyr Trappists, have died rather than open their +mouths. They would not hear the counsel of their friends, and they refused +to _speak out_ to their enemies. They retire from office with, at least, +this distinction--they are henceforth honorary members of the Asylum for +the Deaf and Dumb! + +Again, the Whigs are victims to their inherent sense of politeness--to +their instinctive observance of courtesy towards the Tories. There has been +no bold defiance--no challenge to mortal combat for the cause of public +good; but when Whig has called out Tory, it has been in picked and holiday +phrase-- + + "As if a brother should a brother dare, + To gentle exercise and proof of arms." + +For a long time the people have expected to see "cracked crowns and bloody +noses," and at length, with true John Bull disgust, turned from the ring, +convinced that the Whigs, whatever play they might make, would never go in +and fight. + +But have the Tories been correspondingly courteous? By no means; the +generosity of politeness has been wholly with the Whigs. They, like +frolicsome youths at a carnival, have pelted their antagonists with nothing +harder than sugar-plums--with egg-shells filled with rose-water; while the +Tories have acknowledged such holiday missiles with showers of brickbats, +and eggs _not_ filled with aromatic dew. What was the result? The Tories +increased in confidence and strength with every new assault; whilst the +battered Whigs, from their sheer pusillanimity, became noisome in the +nostrils of the country. + +At length, the loaves and fishes being about to be carried off, the Whigs +speak out: like sulky Master Johnny, who, pouting all dinner-time, with his +finger in his mouth, suddenly finds his tongue when the apple-dumplings are +to be taken from the table. Then does he advance his plate, seize his ivory +knife and fork, put on a look of determined animation, and cry aloud for +plenty of paste, plenty of fruit, and plenty of sugar! And then _Mrs. Tory_ +(it must be confessed a wicked old _Mother Cole_ in her time), with a face +not unlike the countenance of a certain venerable paramour at a baptismal +rite, declares upon her hopes of immortality that the child shall have +nothing of the sort, there being nothing so dangerous to the constitution +as plenty of flour, plenty of fruit, and plenty of sugar. Therefore, there +is a great uproar with Master Johnny: the House, to use a familiar phrase, +is turned out of the windows; the neighbourhood is roused; Master Johnny +rallies his friends about him, that is, all the other boys of _the court_, +and the fight begins. Johnny and his mates make a very good fight, but +certain heavy Buckinghamshire countrymen--fellows of fifty stone--are +brought to the assistance of that screaming beldame _Mother Tory_, and poor +Master Johnny has no other election than to listen to the shouts of triumph +that declare there never shall be plenty of flour, plenty of sugar, or, in +a word, plenty of pudding. + +However, Lord Russell is not discouraged. No; he says "there _shall_ be +cakes and ale, and ginger shall be hot i' the mouth, too!" We only trust +that his Lordship's manifesto is not tinged by those feelings of hope (and +in the case of his lordship we may add, resignation) that animate most men +about to enter wedlock. We trust he does not confound his own anticipations +of happiness with the prospects of the country; for in allusion to the +probable policy of the Tories, he says--"Returned to office--they may adopt +our measures, and submit to the influence of reason." Reason from the +Stanleys--reason from the Goulburns--reason from the Aberdeens! When the +Marquis of Londonderry shall have discovered the longitude, and Colonel +Sibthorp have found out the philosopher's stone, we may then begin to +expect the greater miracle. + +The Whigs, according to Lord Russell's letter, have really done so much +when out of power, and--as he insinuates, are again ready to do so much the +instant they are expelled the Treasury--that for the sake of the country, +it must be a matter of lamentation if ever they get in again. + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH AND SIR JOHN POLLEN. + +Punch, we regret to state, was taken into custody on Monday night at a late +hour, on a warrant, for the purpose of being bound over to keep the peace +towards Sir John Pollen, Bart. The circumstances giving rise to this affair +will be better explained by a perusal of the following correspondence, +which took place between ourselves and Sir John, on the occasion, a copy of +which we subjoin:-- + + +_Wellington Street, July_ 30, 1841. + +SIR,--I have this moment read in the _Morning Chronicle_, the +correspondence between you and Lord William Paget, wherein you are reported +to say, that your recent defeat at the Andover election was effected by +"tampering with some of the smaller voters, who would have voted for _Punch +or any other puppet_;" and that such expressions were not intended to be +_personally offensive_ to Lord William Paget! The members of her Majesty's +puppetry not permitting derogatory conclusions to be drawn at their +expense, I call upon you to state whether the above assertions are correct; +and if so, whether, in the former case, you intended to allude personally +to myself, or my friend Colonel Sibthorp; or, in the latter, to infer that +you considered Lord W. Paget in any way our superior. + +I have the honour to be, Sir, your obedient servant, +PUNCH. + +Sir John Pollen, Bart. + + +_Redenham, July 30, 1841._ + +SIGNOR,--I have just received a note in which you complain of a speech made +by me at Andover. I have sent express for my Lord Wilkshire, and will then +endeavour to recollect what I did say. + +I have the honour to be, your admirer, +JOHN POLLEN. + +To Signor Punch. + + +_White Hart._ + +SIGNOR,--My friend Lord Wilkshire has just arrived. It is his opinion that: +I did use the terms "Punch, or any other puppet;" but I intended them to +have been highly complimentary, as applied to Lord William Paget. + +I have the honour to be, your increased admirer, +JOHN POLLEN. + +To Signor Punch. + + +_Wellington Street._ + +SIR,--I and the Colonel are perfectly satisfied. Yours ever, + +PUNCH + + +_Wellington Street._ + +MY LORD,--It would have afforded me satisfaction to have consulted the +wishes of Sir John Pollen in regard to the publication of this +correspondence. The over-zeal of Sir John's friends have left me no choice +in the matter, I shall print. + +Your obedient servant, +PUNCH. + +Earl of Wilkshire. + + +Thus ended this-- + +[Illustration: CURIOUS CORRESPONDENCE.] + + * * * * * + + +HUMFERY CHEAT-'EM.--(_Vide_ Ainsworth's "Guy Fawkes.") + +A city friend met us the other morning: "Hark 'ee," said he, "Alderman +Humfery has been selling shares of the Blackwall Railway, which were not in +his possession; and when the directors complained, and gave him notice that +they would bring his conduct before a full meeting, inviting him at the +same time to attend, and vindicate or explain his conduct as he best might, +he not only declined to do so, but hurried off to Dublin. Now, I want to +know this," and he took me by the button, "why was Alderman Humfery, when +he ran away to Dublin, like the boy who ripped up his goose which laid +golden eggs?"--We were fain to give it up.--"Because," said he, with a +cruel dig in the ribs, "because he _cut his lucky!_" + + * * * * * + + +THE BOY JONES'S LOG. + +PICKED UP AT SEA. + + +The following interesting narrative of the sufferings of the youth Jones, +whose indefatigable pursuit of knowledge, under the most discouraging +circumstances, has been the cause of his banishment to a distant shore, was +lately picked up at sea, in a sealed bottle, by a homeward-bound East +Indiaman, and since placed in our hands by the captain of the vessel; who +complimented us by saying, he felt such confidence in PUNCH'S honour and +honesty! (these were his very words), that he unhesitatingly confided to +him the precious document, in order that it might be given to the world +without alteration or curtailment. + +We hasten to realise the captain's flattering estimate of our character. + + +_At see, on board the ship Apollo._ + +_June 30._--So soon as the fust aggytation of my mind is woar off, I take +up my pen to put my scentiments on peaper, in hops that my friends as nose +the misfortin wich as oc-_curd_ to me, may think off me wen I'm far a +_whey_. Halass! sir, the wicktim of that crewel blewbeard, Lord Melbun, who +got affeard of my rising poplarity in the Palass, and as sent me to _see_ +for my _peeping_, though, heaven nose, I was acktyated by the pewrest +motiffs in what I did. The reel fax of the case is, I'm a young man of an +ighly cultiwated mind and a very _ink_-wisitive disposition, wich naturally +led me to the use of the _pen_. I ad also bean in the abit of reading "Jak +Sheppard," and I may add, that I O all my eleygant tastes to the perowsal +of that faxinating book. O! wot a noble mind the author of these wollums +must have!--what a frootful inwention and fine feelings he displays!--what +a delicat weal he throws over the piccadillys of his ero, making petty +larceny lovely, and burglarly butiful. + +However, I don't mean now to enter into a reglar crickitism of this +egxtrornary work, but merely to observe, when I read it fust I felt a thust +for literrerry fame spring up in my buzzem; and I thort I should to be an +orthor. Unfortinnet delusion!--that thort has proved my rooin. It was the +_bean_ of my life, and the destroyer of my _pease_. From that moment I +could think of nothink else; I neglekted my wittles and my master, and +wanderd about like a knight-errand-boy who had forgotten his message. Sleap +deserted my lowly pillar, and, like a wachful shepherd, I lay all night +awake amongst my _flocks_. I had got hold of a single idear--it was the +axle of my mind, and, like a wheelbarrow, my head was always turning upon +it. At last I resolved to rite, and I cast my i's about for a subject--they +fell on the Palass! Ear, as my friend Litton Bulwer ses, ear was a field +for genus to sore into;--ear was an area for fillophosy to dive into;--ear +was a truly magnificient and comprehensive desine for a great _nash_-ional +picture! I had got a splendid title, too--not for myself--I've a sole above +such trumperry--but for my book. Boox is like humane beings--a good title +goes a grate way with the crowd:--the one I ad chose for my _shed-oove_, +was "Pencillings in the Palass; or, a Small Voice from the Royal Larder," +with commick illustriations by Fiz or Krokvill. Mr. Bentley wantid to be +engaged as monthly nuss for my expected projeny; and a nother gen'leman, +whose "name" shall be "never heard," offered to go _shears_ with me, if I'd +consent to _cut-uup_ the Cort ladies. "No," ses I, indignantly, "I leave +Cort scandle to my betters--I go on independent principals into the Palass, +and that's more than Lord Melbun, or Sir Robert Peal, or any one of the +insiders or outsiders ever could or ever can say of theirselves. + +That's what I said _then_,--but now I think, what a cussed fool I was. All +my eye-flown bubbles were fated to be busted and melted, like the _wigs_, +"into thin _hair_." + +_Nong port!_ We gets wiser as we gets * * * + +Genteel Reader,--I beg your parding. I'm better now. Bless me, how the ship +waggles! It's reelly hawful; the sailors only laff at it, but I suppose as +they're all _tars_ they don't mind being _pitched_ a little. + +The capting tells me we are now reglarly at see, having just passt the +North 4 land; so, ackording to custom, I begin my journal, or, as +naughtical men call it--to keep my log. + +_12 o'clock._--Wind.--All in my eye. Mate said we had our larburd tax +aboard--never herd of that tax on shore. Told me I should learn to box the +compass--tried, but couldn't do it--so boxt the cabbing boy insted. Capting +several times calld to a man who was steering--"_Port, port_;" but though +he always anserd, "Eye, eye, sir," he didn't bring him a drop. The black +cook fell into the hold on the topp of his hed. Everybody sed he was gone +to Davy Jones's locker; but he warn't, for he soon came to again, drank 1/2 +a pint of rumm, and declared it was-- + +[Illustration: THE REAL BLACK REVIVER.] + +Saw a yung salor sitting on the top of one of the masts--thort of Dibdings +faymos see-song, and asked if he warn't + + "The sweet little cherub that sits up aloft?" + +Man laff'd, and said it wor only Bill Junk clearing the pennant halliards. + +_1 o'clock._--Thort formerly that every sailer wore his pigtale at the back +of his head, like Mr. Tippy Cook--find I labored under a groce +mistake--they all carry their pigtale in their backy-boxes. When I beheld +the sailors working and heaving, and found that I was also beginning to +heave-too, I cuddn't help repeting the varse of the old song--which fitted +my case egsactly:-- + + "There's the capt'n he is our kimmander, + There's the bos'n and all the ship's crew, + There's the married men as well as the single, + Ken-ows what we poor sailors goes through." + +However, I made up my mind not to look inward on my own wose any longer, so +I put my head out of a hole in the side of the ship--and, my wiskers! how +she did whizz along. Saw the white cliffs of Halbion a long way off, wich +brought tiers in my i, thinking of those I had left behind, particular +Sally Martin the young gal I was paying my attentions to, who gave me a +_lock_ of her air when I was a leaving of the _key_. Oh! Lord Melbun, Lord +Melbun! how can you rest in youre 4-post bed at nite, nowing you have broke +the tize of affexion and divided 2 fond arts for hever! This mellancholly +reflexion threw me into a poeticle fitte, and though I was werry uneasy in +my _stommik_, and had nothing to rite on but my _chest_. I threw off as +follows in a few 2nds, and arterards sung it to the well-none hair of +"Willy Reilly:"-- + + Oakum to me[3], ye sailors bold, + Wot plows upon the sea; + To you I mean for to unfold + My mournful histo-ree. + So pay attention to my song, + And quick-el-ly shall appear, + How innocently, all along, + I vos in-weigle-ed here. + + One night, returnin home to bed, + I walk'd through Pim-li-co, + And, twigging of the Palass, sed, + "I'm _Jones_ and _In-i-go_." + But afore I could get out, my boys + Pollise-man 20 A, + He caught me by the corderoys, + And lugged me right a-way. + + My cuss upon Lord Melbun, and + On Jonny Russ-all-so, + That forc'd me from my native land + Across the vaves to go-o-oh. + But all their spiteful arts is wain, + My spirit down to keep; + I hopes I'll soon git back again, + To take another peep. + + [3] The nautical mode of writing--"Oh! come to me."--PRINTER'S + DEVIL. + +_2 o'clock._--Bell rung for all hands to come down to dinner. Thought I +never saw dirtier hands in my life. They call their dinner "a mess" on +broad ship, and a preshious mess it did look--no bread but hard biskit and +plenty of ship's _rolls_, besides biled pork and P-soop--both these +articles seemed rayther queer--felt my stommick growing quear too--got on +deck, and asked where we were--was told we were in the Straits of Dover. I +never was in such dreadful straits in my life--ship leaning very much on +one side, which made me feel like a man + +[Illustration: GOING OFF IN A RAPID DECLINE.] + +_3 o'clock._--Weather getting rather worse than better. Mind very uneasy. +Capting says we shall have plenty of squalls to-night; and I heard him just +now tell the mate to look to the main shrouds, so I spose it's all dickey +with us, and that this log will be my sad epilog. The idear of being made +fish meat was so orrible to my sensitive mind, that I couldn't refrain from +weaping, which made the capting send me down stairs, to vent my sorros in +the cable _tiers_. + +_5 o'clock._--I'm sure we shan't srwive this night, therefore I av +determined to put my heavy log into an M T rum-bottle, and throw it +overbord, in bops it may be pickd up by some pirson who will bare my sad +tail to my dear Sally. And now I conclewd with this short advice:--Let awl +yung men take warning by my crewel fate. Let them avide bad kumpany and +keep out of the Palass; and above all, let them mind their bissnesses on +dri land, and never cast their fortunes on any _main_, like their +unfortinet + +Servant, +THE BOY JONES. + + * * * * * + + +[Illustration] + +THE TWO MACBETHS. + +OR THE HAY MARKET GEMINI. + + O, Gemini- + Crimini! + Nimini- + Pimini + Representatives of the Tartan hero, + Who wildly tear a passion into rags + More ragged than the hags + That round about the cauldron go! + Murderers! who murder Shakspeare so, + That 'stead of murdering sleep, ye do not do it; + But, _vice versa_, send the audience to it. + And, oh!-- + But no-- + Illustrious Mac- + Beth, or -ready, + And thou, small quack, + Of plaudits greedy! + Our pen, deserted by the tuneful Muses, + To write on such a barren theme refuses. + + * * * * * + + + THEATRE ROYAL, DRURY LANE, + POLITICAL PROMENADE AND CONSERVATIVE CONCERTS. + The most splendid night of the season! Friday, the 20th of August. + CAPTAIN ROUS'S NIGHT! + British Champagne and the British Constitution!--The Church, the + State, and Real Turtle! + + The performances will commence with + FISH OUT OF WATER, + Sam Savory--Captain Rous, R.N. + After which, + HIS FIRST CHAMPAGNE; + Which will embrace the whole strength of THE STEWARDS. + In the course of the Evening, the ENLIGHTENED + LICENSED VICTUALLERS, + (Those zealous admirers of _true British spirit_) will parade the + room amid + A GRAND DISPLAY OF ELECTION ACCOUNTS. + + To be followed by a GRAND PANTOMIME, called + HARLEQUIN HUMBUG; + OR, BRAVO ROUS! + OLD GLORY (afterwards Pantaloon) SIR F. BURDETT, + who has kindly offered his services on this occasion. + HARRY HUMBUG (a true British Sailor, afterwards Harlequin), CAPT. ROUS. + DON WHISKERANDOS (afterwards Clown), COL. SIBTHORPE. + The whole to conclude with a grand _mélange_ of + HATS, COATS, AND UMBRELLAS. + + TICKETS TO BE HAD AT ANY PRICE. + + Stretchers to be at the doors at half-past 2, and policemen to take + up with their heads towards Bow-street. + + VIVAT REGINA. + + * * * * * + + +THE ADVANTAGES OF ANIMAL MAGNETISM. + +The experiments of M. Delafontaine having again raised an outcry against +this noble science, from the apparent absence of any benefit likely to +arise from it, beyond converting human beings into pincushions and galvanic +dummies. We, who look deeper into things than the generality of the world, +hail it as an inestimable boon to mankind, and proceed at once to answer +the numerous enquirers as to the _cui bono_ of this novel soporific. + +By a judicious application of the mesmeric fluid, the greatest domestic +comfort can be insured at the least possible trouble. The happiest Benedict +is too well aware that ladies will occasionally exercise their tongues in a +way not altogether compatible with marital ideas of quietude. A few passes +of the hand ("in the way of kindness for he who would," &c. _vide_ Tobin) +will now silence the most powerful oral battery; and Tacitus himself might, +with the aid of mesmerism, pitch his study in a milliner's work-room. +Hen-pecked husbands have now other means at their command, to secure quiet, +than their razors and their garters. We have experimentalised upon our +Judy, and find it answer to a miracle. Mrs. Johnson may shut up her +laboratory for American Soothing Syrup; mesmerism is the only panacea for +those morning and evening infantile ebullitions which affectionate mammas +always assign to the teeth, the wind, or a pain in the stomach, and never +to that possible cause, a pain in the temper. Mesmerism is "the real +blessing to mothers," and Elliotson the Mrs. Johnson of the day. We have +tried it upon our Punchininny, and find it superior to our old practice of +throwing him out of the window. + +Lovers, to you it is a boon sent by Cupid. Mammas, who will keep in the +room when your bosoms are bursting with adoration--fathers, who will wake +on the morning of an elopement, when the last trunk and the parrot are +confided to you from the window--bailiffs, who will hunt you up and down +their bailiwick, even to the church-door, though an heiress is depending +upon your character for weekly payments--all are rendered powerless and +unobtrusive by this inexplicable palmistry. Candidates, save your money; +mesmerise your opponents instead of bribing them, and you may become a +patriot by a show of hands. + +These are a few of its social advantages--its political uses are unbounded. +Why not mesmerise the Chinese? and, as for the Chartists, call out +Delafontaine instead of the magistrates--a few mesmeric passes would be an +easy and efficient substitute for the "Riot Act." Then the powers of +_clairvoyance_--the faculty of seeing with their eyes shut--that it gives +to the patient. Mrs. Ratsey, your royal charge might be soothed and +instructed at the same time, by substituting a sheet of PUNCH for the +purple and fine linen of her little Royal Highness's nautilus-shell. + +Lord John Russell, the policy of your wily adversary would no longer be +concealed. Jealous husbands, do you not see a haven of security, for brick +walls may be seen through, and letters read in the pocket of your rival, by +this magnetic telescope? whilst studious young gentleman may place Homer +under their arms, and study Greek without looking at it. + +[Illustration: MESMERISM.] + + * * * * * + + +FASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE. + +The Marquis of Waterford and party visited Vauxhall Gardens on Monday. The +turnpike man on the bridge was much _struck_ by their easy manner of +dealing with their inferiors. + +Alderman Magnay laid the first shell of an oyster grotto one night this +week in the Minories. There was a large party of boys, who, with the worthy +Alderman, repaired to a neighbouring fruit-stall, where the festivity of +the occasion was kept up for several minutes. + +The New Cut was, as usual, a scene of much animation on Saturday last, and +there was rather a more brilliant display than customary of new and elegant +baked-potato stands. The well-known turn-out, with five lanterns and four +apertures for the steam, was the general admiration of the host of +pedestrians who throng the Cut between the hours of eight and twelve on +Saturday. + + * * * * * + + +A BITTER DRAUGHT. + +SIR R. PEEL, in the celebrated medicinal metaphor with which he lately +favoured his constituents at Tamworth, concludes by stating, "that he +really believes he does more than any political physician ever did by +referring to the prescriptions which he offered in 1835 and 1840, and by +saying that he sees no reason to alter them." This is, to carry out the +physical figure, only another version of "_the mixture as before_." We are +afraid there are no hopes of the patient. + +"Why are the Whigs like the toes of a dancing-master?"--"Because they +_must_ be turned out." + +"Why are Colonel Sibthorp and Mr. Peter Borthwick like the covering of the +dancing-master's toes?"--"Because they are a _pair of pumps_." + +"Why are the Whigs and Tories like the scarlet fever and the +measles?"--"Because there's no telling which is the worst." + + * * * * * + + +A HINT TO THE UGLY. + +My uncle Septimus Snagglegrable is no more! Excellent old man! no one knew +his worthiness whilst he was of the living, for every one called him a +scoundrel. + +It is reserved for me to do justice to his memory, and one short sentence +will be sufficient for the purpose--he has left me five thousand pounds! I +have determined that his benevolence shall not want an imitator, and I have +resolved, at a great personal sacrifice, to benefit that portion of my +fellow creatures who are denominated ugly. I am particularly so. My +complexion is a bright snuff-colour; my eyes are grey, and unprotected by +the usual verandahs of eye-lashes; my nose is _retroussé_, and if it has a +bridge, it must be of the suspension order, for it is decidedly concave. I +wish Rennie would turn his attention to the state of numerous noses in the +metropolis. I am sure a lucrative company might he established for the +purpose of erecting bridges to noses that, like my own, have been +unprovided by nature. I should be happy to become a director. _Revenons +nous_--my mouth is decidedly large, and my teeth singularly irregular. My +father was violently opposed to Dr. Jenner's "repeal of the small-pox,"[4] +and would not have me vaccinated; the consequence of which has been that my +chin is full of little dells, thickly studded with dark and stunted +bristles. I have bunions and legs that (as "the right line of beauty's a +curve") are the perfection of symmetry. My poor mother used to lament what +she, in the plenitude of her ignorance, was pleased to denominate my +disadvantages. She knew not the power of genius. To me these--well, I'll +call them _defects_--have been the source of great profit. For years I have +walked about the great metropolis without any known or even conjectural +means of subsistence; my coat has always been without a patch--my linen +without spot! + + [4] Baylis. + +Ugly brothers, I am about to impart to you the secret of my existence! I +have lived by the fine arts--yes, by sitting as + + A model for door-knockers and cherubim for tomb-stones. + +The latter may perhaps surprise you, but the contour of my countenance is +decidedly infantile--for when had a babby a bridge?--and the addition of a +penny trumpet completes the full-blown expression of the light-headed +things known to stone-masons as cherubim. + +But it is to the art of knocker-designing that I flatter myself I have been +of most service. By the elevation of my chin, and the assistance of a long +wig, I can present an excellent resemblance of a lion, with this great +advantage over the real animal--I can vary the expression according to +circumstances-- + + "As mild as milk, or raging as the storm." + +So that nervous single ladies need not be terrified out of their senses +every time they knock at their door, by the grim personification of a Nero +at feeding time; or a tender-hearted poor-law guardian be pestered during +dinner by invitations afforded to the starving poor by the benevolent +expression of his knocker. + +Ugly ones! I have now imparted to you my secret. + + * * * * * + + +ON THE POPULARITY OF MR. CH--S K--N. + + Oh, Mr. Punch! what glorious times + Are these, for humbly gifted mimes; + When, spite of each detracter, + Paternal name and filial love, + Assisted by "the powers above," + Have made C----s K----n an actor! + + "'Tis true," his generous patrons say, + "Of genius he ne'er had a ray; + Yet, all his faults to smother, + The youth inherits, from his sire, + A name which all the world admire, + And dearly loves his mother!" + + Stripp'd of his adventitious aid, + He ne'er ten pounds a week had made; + Yet every Thespian brother + Is now kept down, or put to flight, + While _he_ gets fifty pounds a night, + Because--he loves his mother! + + Though I'm, in heart and soul, a friend + To genuine talent, Heaven forefend + That I should raise a pother, + Because the philanthropic folks + Wink and applaud a pious hoax, + For one who--loves his mother! + + No! Heaven prolong his parent's life + And grant that no untimely strife + May wean them from each other! + For soon he'd find the golden fleece + Slip from his grasp, should he e'er cease + To _keep_ and--love his mother! + + * * * * * + + +A CON. BY COLONEL SIBTHORP. + +Why is a chesnut horse, going at a rapid pace up an inclined plane, like an +individual in white trousers presenting a young lady in book muslin with an +infantine specimen of the canine species?--Because he is giving _a gallop +up_ (a girl a pup). + + * * * * * + + +THE DRAMA. + +ASTLEY'S COMPANY AT THE OLYMPIC. + +The distresses of actors distress nobody but themselves. A tale of woe told +off the stage by a broad comedian, begets little sympathy; and if he is in +the "heavy line," people say he is used to it, and is only acting--playing +off upon you a melancholy joke, that he may judge how it will _tell_ at +night. Thus, when misfortune takes a benefit, charity seldom takes tickets; +for she is always sceptical about the so-called miseries of the most giddy, +volatile, jolly, careless, uncomplaining (where managers and bad parts are +not concerned) vainest, and apparently, happiest possible members of the +community, who are so completely associated with fiction, that they are +hardly believed when telling the truth. _Par exemple_--nothing can be more +true than that Astley's Theatre was burnt down the other day; that the +whole of that large establishment were suddenly thrown out of employ; that +their wardrobes were burnt to rags, their properties reduced to a cinder, +and their means of subsistence roasted in a too rapid fire. True also is +it, that to keep the wolf from their own doors, those of the Olympic have +been opened, where the really dismounted cavalry of Astley's are continuing +their campaign, having appealed to the public to support them. Judging from +the night we were present, that support has been extended with a degree of +lukewarmness which is exactly proportionate to the effect produced by the +appeals of actors when misfortune overtakes them. + +But, besides public sympathy, they put forth other claims for support. The +amusements they offer are of extraordinary merit. The acting of Mr. H. +Widdicomb, of Miss Daly, and Mr. Sidney Forster, was, in the piece we +saw--"The Old House at Home"--full of nature and quiet touches of feeling +scarcely to be met with on any other stage. Still these are qualifications +the "general" do not always appreciate; though they often draw tears, they +seldom draw money. Very well, to meet that deficiency, other and more +popular actors have come forward to offer their aid. Mr. T.P. Cooke has +already done his part, as he always does it, nobly. The same may be said of +Mr. Hammond. When we were present, Mrs. H.L. Grattan and Mr. Balls appeared +in the "Lady of Munster." Mr. Sloan, a popular Irish comedian from the +provinces, has lent a helping hand, by coming out in a new drama. Mr. +Keeley is also announced. + +The pieces we saw were well got up and carefully acted; so that the patrons +of the drama need not dread that, in this instance, the Astleyan-Olympic +actors believe that "charity covers a multitude of sins." They don't care +who sees their faults--the more the better. + + * * * * * + + +"BEHIND THE SCENES." + +When a certain class of persons, whose antipathy to gratis sea-voyages is +by no means remarkable, are overtaken by the police and misfortune; when +the last legal quibble has been raised upon their case and failed; when, +indeed, to use their own elegant phraseology, they are "regularly stumped +and done up;" then--and, to do them justice, not till then--they resort to +confession, and to turning king's evidence against their accomplices. + +This seems to be exactly the case with the drama, which is evidently in the +last stage of decline; the consumption of new subjects having exhausted the +supply. The French has been "taken from" till it has nothing more to give; +the Newgate Calendar no longer affords materials; for an entire dramatic +edition of it might be collected (a valuable hint this for the Syncretic +Society, that desperate association for producing un-actable dramas)--the +very air is exhausted in a theatrical sense; for "life in the clouds" has +been long voted "law;" whilst the play-writing craft have already robbed +the regions below of every spark of poetic fire; devils are decidedly out +of date. In short, and not to mince the matter, as hyenas are said to stave +off starvation by eating their own haunches, so the drama _must_ be on its +last legs, when actors turn king's evidence, and exhibit to the public how +they flirt and quarrel, and eat oysters and drink porter, and scandalise +and make fun--how, in fact, they disport themselves "Behind the Scenes." + +A visit to the English Opera will gratify those of the uninitiated, who are +anxious to get acquainted with the manners and customs of the ladies and +gentlemen of the _corps dramatique_ "at the wing." Otherwise than as a sign +of dramatic destitution, the piece called "Behind the Scenes" is highly +amusing. Mr. Wild's acting displays that happy medium between jocularity +and earnest, which is the perfection of burlesque. Mrs. Selby plays the +"leading lady" without the smallest effort, and invites the first tragedian +to her treat of oysters and beer with considerable _empressement_, though +supposed to be labouring at the time _under_ the stroke of the headsman's +axe. Lastly, it would be an act of injustice to Mr. Selby to pass his +_Spooney Negus_ over in silence. PUNCH has too brotherly an affection for +his fellow-actors, to hide their faults; in the hope that, by shewing them +_veluti in speculum_, they may be amended. In all kindness, therefore, he +entreats Mr. Selby, if he be not bent upon hastening his own ruin, if he +have any regard for the feelings of unoffending audiences, who always +witness the degradation of human nature with pain--he implores him to +provide a substitute for _Negus_. Every actor knows the difference between +portraying imbecility and _being_ silly himself--between puerility, as +characteristic of a part _in posse_, and as being a trait of the performer +_in esse_. To this rule Mr. Selby, in this part, is a melancholy exception; +for he seems utterly ignorant of such a distinction, broad as it is--he is +silly himself, instead of causing silliness in _Spooney_. This is the more +to be regretted, as whoever witnessed, with us, the first piece, saw in Mr. +Selby a respectable representative of an old dandy in "Barnaby Rudge." +Moreover, the same gentleman is, we understand, the adapter of the drama +from Boz's tale. That too proves him to be a clever contriver of +situations, and an ingenious adept with the pen and scissors. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +1, August 7, 1841, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14922-8.txt or 14922-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/9/2/14922/ + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, August 7, 1841 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14922] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + +</pre> + +<h1>PUNCH,<br /> +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> +<h2>VOL. 1.</h2> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page37" name="page37"></a>[pg +37]</span> +<h2>AUGUST 7, 1841.</h2> +<hr class="full" /> +<h2>THE WIFE-CATCHERS.</h2> +<h3>A LEGEND OF MY UNCLE’S BOOTS.</h3> +<h4><em>In Four Chapters.</em></h4> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>“His name ’tis proper you should hear,</p> +<p class="i2">’Twas Timothy Thady Mulligin:</p> +<p>And whenever he finish’d his tumbler of punch,</p> +<p class="i2">He always wished it full agin.”</p> +</div> +</div> +<h3>CHAPTER II.</h3> +<div class="dropcap"><a href="images/004-01.png"><img src= +"images/004-01.png" alt= +"A pontificating man with his arms outstretched in the shape of a Y." +id="img004-001" name="img004-001" width="100%" /></a></div> +<p><span class="hide">“Y</span>ou can have no idea, Jack, how +deeply the loss of those venerated family retainers affected +me.”</p> +<p>My uncle paused. I perceived that his eyes were full, and his +tumbler empty; I therefore thought it advisable to divert his +sorrow, by reminding him of our national proverb, “<em>Iss +farr doch na skeal</em><sup>1</sup><span class="sidenote">1. A +drink is better than a story.</span>.”</p> +<p>The old man’s eyes glistened with pleasure, as he grasped +my hand, saying, “I see, Jack, you are worthy of your name. I +was afraid that school-learning and college would have spoiled your +taste for honest drinking; but the right drop is in you still, my +boy. I mentioned,” continued he, resuming the thread of his +story, “that my grandfather died, leaving to his heirs the +topped boots, spurs, buckskin-breeches, and red waistcoat; but it +is about the first-mentioned articles I mean especially to speak, +as it was mainly through their respectable appearance that so many +excellent matches and successful negotiations have been concluded +by our family. If one of our cousins was about to wait on his +landlord or his sweetheart, if he meditated taking a farm or a +wife, ‘the tops’ were instantly brushed up, and put +into requisition. Indeed, so fortunate had they been in all the +matrimonial embassies to which they had been attached, that they +acquired the name of ‘the wife-catchers,’ amongst the +young fellows of our family. Something of the favour they enjoyed +in the eyes of the fair sex should, perhaps, be attributed to the +fact, that all the Duffys were fine strapping fellows, with legs +that seemed made for setting off topped boots to the best +advantage.</p> +<p>“Well, years rolled by; the sons of mothers whose hearts +had been won by the irresistible buckism of Shawn Duffy’s +boots, grew to maturity, and, in their turn, furbished up +‘the wife-catchers,’ when intent upon invading the +affections of other rustic fair ones. At length these invaluable +relics descended to me, as the representative of our family. It was +ten years on last Lady-day since they came into my possession, and +I am proud to say, that during that time the Duffys and ‘the +wife-catchers’ lost nothing of the reputation they had +previously gained, for no less than nineteen marriages and +ninety-six christenings have occurred in our family during the +time. I had every hope, too, that another chalk would have been +added to the matrimonial tally, and that I should have the pleasure +of completing the score before Lent; for, one evening, about four +months ago, I received a note from your cousin Peter, informing me +that he intended riding over, on the following Sunday, to Miss +Peggy Haggarty’s, for the purpose of popping the question, +and requesting of me the loan of the lucky +‘wife-catchers’ for the occasion.</p> +<p>“I need not tell you I was delighted to oblige poor Peter, +who is the best fellow and surest shot in the county, and +accordingly took down the boots from their peg in the hall. Through +the negligence of the servant they have been hung up in a damp +state, and had become covered with blue mould. In order to render +them decent and comfortable for Peter, I placed them to dry inside +the fender, opposite the fire; then lighting my pipe, I threw +myself back in my chair, and as the fragrant fumes of the Indian +weed curled and wreathed around my head, with half-closed eyes +turned upon the renowned ‘wife-catchers,’ I indulged in +delightful visions of future weddings and christenings, and +recalled, with a sigh, the many pleasant ones I had witnessed in +their company.”</p> +<p>Here my uncle applied the tumbler to his face to conceal his +emotion. “I brought to mind,” he continued (ordering; +in a parenthesis, another jug of boiling water), “I brought +to mind the first time I had myself sported the envied +‘wife-catchers’ at the <em>pattron</em> of Moycullen. I +was then as wild a blade as any in Connaught, and the +‘tops’ were in the prime of their beauty. In fact, I am +not guilty of flattery or egotism in saying, that the girl who +could then turn up her nose at the boots, or their master, must +have been devilish hard to please. But though the hey-day of our +youth had passed, I consoled myself with the reflection that with +the help of the saints, and a pair of new soles, we might yet hold +out to marry and bury three generations to come.</p> +<p>“As these anticipations passed through my mind, I was +startled by a sudden rustling near me. I raised my eyes to discover +the cause, and fancy my surprise when I beheld ‘the +wife-catchers,’ by some marvellous power, suddenly become +animated, gradually elongating and altering themselves, until they +assumed the appearance of a couple of tall gentlemen clad in black, +with extremely sallow countenances; and what was still more +extraordinary, though they possessed separate bodies, their actions +seemed to be governed by a single mind. I stared, and doubtless so +would you, Jack, had you been in my place; but my astonishment was +at its height, when the partners, keeping side by side as closely +as the Siamese twins, stepped gracefully over the fender, and +taking a seat directly opposite me, addressed me in a voice broken +by an irrepressible chuckle—</p> +<p>“‘Here we are, old boy. Ugh, ugh, ugh, +hoo!’</p> +<p>“So I perceive, gentlemen,” I replied, rather +drily.</p> +<p>“‘You look a little alarmed—ugh, ugh, hoo, +hoo, hoo!’ cried the pair. ‘Excuse our +laughter—hoo! hoo! hoo! We mean no offence—none +whatever. Ugh, hoo, hoo, hoo! We know we are somewhat changed in +appearance.’</p> +<p>“I assured the transformed ‘tops’ I was +delighted in being honoured with their company, under any shape; +hoped they would make themselves quite at home, and take a glass +with me in the friendly way. The friends shook their heads +simultaneously, declining the offer; and he whom I had hitherto +known as the <em>right</em> foot, said in a grave voice:—</p> +<p>“‘We feel obliged, sir, but we never take anything +but water; moreover, our business now is to relate to you some of +the singular adventures of our life, convinced, that in your hand +they will be given to the world in three handsome +volumes.’</p> +<p>“My curiosity was instantly awakened, and I drew my chair +closer to my communicative friends, who, stretching out their legs, +prepared to commence their recital.”</p> +<p>“‘Hem!’ cried the right foot, who appeared to +be the spokesman, clearing his throat and turning to his +companion—‘hem! which of our adventures shall I relate +first, brother?’</p> +<p>“‘Why,’ replied the left foot, after a few +moments’ reflection, ‘I don’t think you can do +better than tell our friend the story of Terence Duffy and the +heiress.’</p> +<p>“‘Egad! you’re right, brother; that was a +droll affair:’ and then, addressing himself to me, he +continued, ‘You remember your Uncle Terence? A funny dog he +was, and in his young days the very devil for lovemaking and +fighting. Look here,’ said the speaker, pointing to a small +circular perforation in his side, which had been neatly patched. +‘This mark, which I shall carry with me to my grave, I +received in an affair between your uncle and Captain Donovan of the +North Cork Militia. The captain one day asserted in the public +library at Ballybreesthawn, that a certain Miss Biddy +O’Brannigan had hair red as a carrot. This calumny was not +long in reaching the ears of your Uncle Terence, who prided himself +on being the champion of the <em>sex</em> in general, and of Miss +Biddy O’Brannigan in particular. Accordingly he took the +earliest opportunity of demanding from the captain an apology, and +a confession that the lady’s locks were a beautiful auburn. +The militia hero, who was too courageous to desert his +<em>colours</em>, maintained they were red. The result was a +meeting on the daisies at four o’clock in the morning, when +the captain’s ball grazed your uncle’s leg, and in +return he received a compliment from Terence, in the hip, that +spoiled his dancing for life.</p> +<p>“‘I will not insult your penetration by telling you +what I perceive you are already aware of, that Terence Duffy was +the professed admirer of Miss Biddy. The affair with Captain +Donovan raised him materially in her estimation, and it was +whispered that the hand and fortune of the heiress were destined +for her successful champion. There’s an old saying, though, +that the best dog don’t always catch the hare, as Terence +found to his cost. He had a rival candidate for the affections of +Miss Biddy; but such a rival—however I will not +anticipate.’”</p> +<hr /> +<h3>SONGS FOR THE SENTIMENTAL, NO. 3.</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>I am thine in <em>my</em> gladness,</p> +<p class="i2">I’m thine in <em>thy</em> tears;</p> +<p>My love it can change not</p> +<p class="i2">With absence or years.</p> +<p>Were a dungeon thy dwelling,</p> +<p class="i2">My home it should be,</p> +<p>For its gloom would be sunshine</p> +<p class="i2">If I were with thee.</p> +<p>But the light has no beauty</p> +<p class="i2">Of thee, love bereft:</p> +<p>I am thine, and thine only!</p> +<p class="i2"><em>Thine!</em>—over the left!</p> +<p class="i10">Over the left!</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>As the wild Arab hails,</p> +<p class="i2">On his desolate way,</p> +<p>The palm-tree which tells</p> +<p class="i2">Where the cool fountains play,</p> +<p>So thy presence is ever</p> +<p class="i2">The herald of bliss,</p> +<p>For there’s love in thy smile,</p> +<p class="i2">And there’s joy in thy kiss.</p> +<p>Thou hast won me—then wear me!</p> +<p class="i2">Of thee, love, bereft,</p> +<p>I should fade like a flower,</p> +<p class="i2"><em>Yes!</em>—over the left!</p> +<p class="i10">Over the left!</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<p>A gentleman in Mobile has a watch that goes so fast, he is +obliged to calculate a week back to know the time of day.</p> +<p>A new bass singer has lately appeared at New Orleans, who sings +so remarkably <em>deep</em>, it takes nine Kentucky lawyers to +understand a single bar!</p> +<hr /> +<h3>A NATURAL DEDUCTION</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Why S—e is long-lived at once appears—</p> +<p>The ass was always famed for <em>length of ears</em>.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page38" name="page38"></a>[pg +38]</span> +<h2>WIT WITHOUT MONEY;</h2> +<h3>OR, HOW TO LIVE UPON NOTHING.</h3> +<h4>BY VAMPYRE HORSELEECH, ESQ.</h4> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>“Creation’s heir—the world, the world is +mine.”—GOLDSMITH.</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>Philosophers, moralists, poets, in all ages, have never better +pleased themselves or satisfied their readers than when they have +descanted upon, deplored, and denounced the pernicious influence of +money upon the heart and the understanding. “Filthy +lucre”—“so much trash as may be grasped +thus”—“yellow mischief,” I know not, or +choose not, to recount how many justly injurious names have been +applied to coin by those who knew, because they had felt, its +consequences. Wherefore, I say at once, it is better to have none +on’t—to live without it. And yet, now I think better +upon that point, it is well not altogether to discourage its +approach. On the contrary, lay hold upon it, seize it, rescue it +from hands which in all probability would work ruin with it, and +resolutely refuse, when it is once got, to let it go out of your +grasp. Let no absurd talk about quittance, discharge, remuneration, +payment, induce the holder to relax from his inflexible purpose of +palm. Pay, like party, is the madness of many for the gain of a +few.</p> +<p>Unhappily, vile gold, or its representation or equivalent, has +been, during many centuries, the sole medium through which the +majority of mankind have supplied their wants, or ministered to +their luxuries. It is high time that a sage should arise to expound +how the discerning few—those who have the wit and the will +(both must concur to the great end) may live—LIVE—not +like him who buys and balances himself by the book of the groveller +who wrote “How to <em>Live</em> upon Fifty Pounds a +Year”—(O shame to manhood!)—but live, I +say—“be free and merry”—“laugh and +grow fat”—exchange the courtesies of life—be a +pattern of the “minor morals”—and yet: all this +without a doit in bank, bureau, or breeches’ pocket.</p> +<p>I am that sage. Let none deride. Haply, I shall only remind +some, but I may teach many. Those that come to scoff, may perchance +go home to prey.</p> +<p>Let no gentleman of the old school (for whom, indeed, my brief +treatise is not designed) be startled when I advance this +proposition: That more discreditable methods are daily practised by +those who live to get money, than are resorted to by those who +without money are nevertheless under the necessity of living. If +this proposition be assented to—as, in truth, I know not how +it can be gainsaid,—nothing need be urged in vindication of +my art of <em>free</em> living. Proceed I then at once.</p> +<p>Here is a youth of promise—born, like Jaffier, with +“elegant desires”—one who does not agnize a +prompt alacrity in carrying burdens—one, rather, who +recognizes a moral and physical unfitness for such, and indeed all +other dorsal and manual operations—one who has been born a +Briton, and would not, therefore, sell his birthright for a mess of +pottage; but, on the contrary, holds that his birthright entitles +him to as many messes of pottage as there may be days to his mortal +span, though time’s fingers stretched beyond the distance +allotted to extreme Parr or extremest Jenkins. “Elegant +desires” are gratified to the extent I purpose treating of +them, by handsome clothes—comfortable lodgings—good +dinners.</p> +<p>1st. <em>Of Handsome Clothes.</em>—Here, I confess, I find +myself in some difficulty. The man who knows not how to have his +name entered in the day-book of a tailor, is not one who could +derive any benefit from instruction of mine. He must be a born +natural. Why, it comes by instinct.</p> +<p>2nd. <em>Of Comfortable Lodgings.</em>—Easily obtained and +secured. The easiest thing in life. But the wit without money must +possess very little more of the former than of the latter, if he do +not, even when snugly ensconced in one splendid suite of +apartments, have his eye upon many others; for landladies are +sometimes vexatiously impertinent, and novelty is desirable. +Besides, his departure may be (nay, often is) extremely sudden. +When in quest of apartments, I have found tarnished cards in the +windows preferable. They imply a length of vacancy of the floor, +and a consequent relaxation of those narrow, worldly (some call +them prudent) scruples, which landladies are apt to nourish. Hints +of a regular income, payable four times a year, have their weight; +nay, often convert weekly into quarterly lodgings. Be sure there +are no children in your house. They are vociferous when you would +enjoy domestic retirement, and inquisitive when you take the air. +Once (<em>horresco referens!</em>) on returning from my +peripatetics, I was accosted with brutally open-mouthed clamour, by +my landlady, who, dragging me in a state of bewilderment into her +room, pointed to numerous specimens of granite, which her +“young people” had, in their unhallowed thirst for +knowledge, discovered and drawn from my trunk, which, by some +strange mischance, had been left unlocked! In vain I mumbled +something touching my love of mineralogy, and that a lapidary had +offered I knew not what for my collection. I was compelled to +“bundle,” as the idiomatic, but ignorant woman +expressed herself. To resume.</p> +<p>Let not the nervous or sensitive wit imagine that, in a vast +metropolis like London, his chance of securing an appropriate +lodging and a confiding landlady is at all doubtful. He might lodge +safe from the past, certain of the future, till the crash of doom. +I shall be met by Ferguson’s case. Ferguson I knew well, and +I respected him. But he had a most unfortunate countenance. It was +a very solemn, but by no means a solvent face; and yet he had a +manner with him too, and his language was choice, if not +persuasive. That the matter of his speech was plausible, none ever +presumed to deny. “It is all very well, Mr. +Ferguson,”—<em>that</em> was always conceded. I do not +wish to speak ill of the dead; but Ferguson never entered a lodging +without being compelled to pay a fortnight in advance, and +always</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/004-02.png"><img src= +"images/004-02.png" alt="A cat waits for a mouse." id="img004-02" +name="img004-02" width="50%" /></a> +<p>EXPECTED TO BE OUT SHORTLY.</p> +</div> +<p>3rd. <em>Of Good Dinners.</em>—Wits, like other men, are +distinguished by a variety of tastes and inclinations. Some prefer +dining at taverns and eating-houses; others, more discreet or less +daring, love the quiet security of the private house, with its +hospitable inmates, courteous guests, and no possibility of +“bill transactions.” I confess when I was young and +inexperienced, wanting that wisdom which I am now happy to impart, +I was a constant frequenter of taverns, eating-houses, +oyster-rooms, and similar places of entertainment. I am old now, +and have been persecuted by a brutal world, and am grown timid. But +I was ever a peaceable man—hated quarrels—never came to +words if I could help it. <em>I do not recommend the tavern, +eating-house, oyster-room system.</em> These are the words of +wisdom. The waiters at these places are invariably sturdy, fleet, +abusive rascals, who cannot speak and will not listen to reason. To +eat one’s dinner, drink a pint of sherry, and then, calling +for the bill, take out one’s pocket-book, and post it in its +rotation in a neat hand, informing the waiter the while, that it is +a simple debt, and so forth; this really requires nerve. Great +spirits only are equal to it. It is an innovation upon old, +established forms, however absurd—and innovators bring down +upon themselves much obloquy. To run from the score you have run +up—not to pay your shot, but to shoot from payment—this +is not always safe, and invariably spoils digestion. No; it is not +more honourable—far from it—but it is better; for you +should strive to become, what is commonly called—“A +Diner Out”—that is to say, one who continues to sit at +the private tables of other men every day of his life, and by his +so potent art, succeeds in making them believe that they are very +much obliged to him.</p> +<p>How to be this thing—this “Diner Out”—I +shall teach you, by a few short rules next week. Till +then—farewell!</p> +<hr /> +<p>Lord William Paget has applied to the Lord Chancellor, to +inquire whether the word “jackass” is not opprobrious +and actionable. His lordship says, “No, decidedly, in this +case only synonymous.”</p> +<hr /> +<h3>THE POLITICAL QUACK.</h3> +<p>Sir Robert Peel has convinced us of one thing by his Tamworth +speech, that whatever danger the constitution may be in, he will +not proscribe for the patient until he is <em>regularly called +in</em>. A beautiful specimen of the old Tory leaven. Sir Robert +objects to give <em>Advice gratis</em>.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>TO FANCY BUILDERS AND CAPITALISTS.</h3> +<p>A large assortment of peculiarly fine oyster-shells, warranted +fire-proof and of first-rate quality; exquisitely adapted for the +construction of grottoes. May be seen by cards only, to be procured +of Mr. George Robins, or the clerks of Billingsgate or Hungerfofd +markets.</p> +<p>N.B.—Some splendid ground at the corners of popular and +well-frequented streets, to be let on short leases for edifices of +the above description. Apply as before.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page39" name="page39"></a>[pg +39]</span> +<h2>LITERARY RECIPES.</h2> +<p>The following invaluable literary recipes have been most kindly +forwarded by the celebrated Ude. They are the produce of many +years’ intense study, and, we must say, the very best things +of the sort we have ever met with. There is much delicacy in M. Ude +leaving it to us, as to whether the communication should be +anonymous. We think not, as the peculiarity of the style would at +once establish the talented authorship, and, therefore, attempted +concealment would be considered as the result of a too morbidly +modest feeling.</p> +<h3>HOW TO COOK UP A FASHIONABLE NOVEL.</h3> +<p>Take a consummate puppy—M.P.s preferable (as they are +generally the softest, and don’t require much +pressing)—baste with self-conceit—stuff with +slang—season with maudlin sentiment—hash up with a +popular publisher—simmer down with preparatory +advertisements. Add six reams of gilt-edged paper—grate in a +thousand quills—garnish with marble covers, and morocco backs +and corners. Stir up with magazine puffs—skim off sufficient +for preface. Shred scraps of French and small-talk, very fine. Add +“superfine coats”—“satin +stocks”—“bouquets”—“opera-boxes”—“a +duel”—an elopement—St. George’s +Church—silver bride favours—eight footmen—four +postilions—the like number of horses—a +“dredger” of smiles—some filtered +tears—half-mourning for a dead uncle (the better if he has a +twitch in his nose), and serve with anything that will bear +“<em>frittering</em>.”</p> +<h3>A SENTIMENTAL DITTO.</h3> +<h4>(<em>By the same Author.</em>)</h4> +<p>Take a young lady—dress her in blue ribbons—sprinkle +with innocence, spring flowers, and primroses. Procure a Baronet (a +Lord if in season); if not, a depraved “younger +son”—trim him with écarté, rouge et noir, +Epsom, Derby, and a slice of Crockford’s. Work up with rustic +cottage, an aged father, blind mother, and little brothers and +sisters in brown holland pinafores. Introduce mock +abduction—strong dose of virtue and repentance. Serve up with +village church—happy parent—delighted +daughter—reformed rake—blissful brothers—syren +sisters—and perfect <em>dénouement</em>.</p> +<p>N.B. Season with perspective christening and postponed +epitaph.</p> +<h3>A STARTLING ROMANCE.</h3> +<p>Take a small boy, charity, factory, carpenter’s +apprentice, or otherwise, as occasion may serve—stew him well +down in vice—garnish largely with oaths and flash +songs—boil him in a cauldron of crime and improbabilities. +Season equally with good and bad qualities—infuse petty +larceny, affection, benevolence, and burglary, honour and +housebreaking, amiability and arson—boil all gently. Stew +down a mad mother—a gang of robbers—several +pistols—a bloody knife. Serve up with a couple of +murders—and season with a hanging-match.</p> +<p>N.B. Alter the ingredients to a beadle and a workhouse—the +scenes may be the same, but the whole flavour of vice will be lost, +and the boy will turn out a perfect pattern.—Strongly +recommended for weak stomachs.</p> +<h3>AN HISTORICAL DITTO.</h3> +<p>Take a young man six feet high—mix up with a +horse—draw a squire from his father’s estate (the +broad-shouldered and loquacious are the best sort)—prepare +both for potting (that is, exporting). When abroad, introduce a +well-pounded Saracen—a foreign princess—stew down a +couple of dwarfs and a conquered giant—fill two sauce-tureens +with a prodigious ransom. Garnish with garlands and dead Turks. +Serve up with a royal marriage and cloth of gold.</p> +<h3>A NARRATIVE.</h3> +<p>Take a distant village—follow with +high-road—introduce and boil down pedlar, gut his pack, and +cut his throat—hang him up by the heels—when enough, +let his brother cut him down—get both into a +stew—pepper the real murderer—grill the innocent for a +short time—then take them off, and put delinquents in their +place (these can scarcely be broiled too much, and a strong fire is +particularly recommended). When real perpetrators are +<em>done</em>, all is complete.</p> +<p>If the parties have been poor, serve up with mint sauce, and the +name of the enriched sufferer.</p> +<h3>BIOGRAPHY OF KINGS.</h3> +<p>Lay in a large stock of “gammon” and +pennyroyal—carefully strip and pare all the tainted parts +away, when this can be done without destroying the whole—wrap +it up in printed paper, containing all possible virtues—baste +with flattery, stuff with adulation, garnish with fictitious +attributes, and a strong infusion of sycophancy.</p> +<p>Serve up to prepared courtiers, who have been previously well +seasoned with long-received pensions or sinecures.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<h2>DRAMATIC RECIPES.</h2> +<h3>FOR THE ADELPHI.—VERY FINE!</h3> +<p>Take a beautiful and highly-accomplished young female, imbued +with every virtue, but slightly addicted to bigamy! Let her stew +through the first act as the bride of a condemned +convict—then season with a benevolent but very ignorant +lover—add a marriage. Stir up with a gentleman in dusty boots +and large whiskers. <em>Dredge</em> in a meeting, and baste with +the knowledge of the dusty boot proprietor being her husband. Let +this steam for some time; during which, prepare, as a covering, a +pair of pistols—carefully insert the bullet in the head of +him of the dusty boots. Dessert—general offering of +LADIES’ FINGERS! Serve up with red fire and tableaux.</p> +<h3>FOR MESSRS. MACREADY AND CHARLES KEAN.</h3> +<p>Take an enormous hero—work him up with +improbabilities—dress him in spangles and a long +train—disguise his head as much as possible, as the great +beauty of this dish is to avoid any resemblance to the +“<em>tête de veau au naturel</em>.”</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/004-03.png"><img src= +"images/004-03.png" alt= +"Profile of a bearded young man's head, face to face with a cow's head on a platter." +id="img004-03" name="img004-03" width="50%" /></a> +<p>A TETE A TETE.</p> +</div> +<p>Grill him for three acts. When well worked up, add a murder or +large dose of innocence (according to the palate of the +guests)—Season, with a strong infusion of claqueurs and box +orders. Serve up with twelve-sheet posters, and imaginary +Shaksperian announcements.</p> +<p>N.B. Be careful, in cooking the heroes, not to turn their backs +<em>to the front range</em>—should you do so the dish will be +spoiled.</p> +<h3>FOR THE ROYAL VIC.</h3> +<h4>(<em>A Domestic Sketch.</em>)</h4> +<p>Take a young woman—give her six pounds a year—work +up her father and mother into a viscous paste—bind all with +an abandoned poacher—throw in a “dust of virtue,” +and a “handful of vice.” When the poacher is about to +boil over, put him into another saucepan, let him simmer for some +time, and then he will turn out “lord of the manor,” +and marry the young woman. Serve up with bludgeons, handcuffs, a +sentimental gaoler, and a large tureen of innocence preserved.</p> +<h3>FOR THE SURREY NAUTICAL.</h3> +<p>Take a big man with a loud voice, dress him with a pair of +ducks, and, if pork is comeatable, a pigtail—stuff his jaws +with an imitation quid, and his mouth with a large assortment of +<em>dammes</em>. Garnish with two broad-swords and a hornpipe. Boil +down a press-gang and six or seven smugglers, and (if in season) a +bo’swain and large cat-o’-nine-tails.—Sprinkle +the dish with two lieutenants, four midshipmen, and about seven or +eight common sailors. Serve up with a pair of epaulettes and an +admiral in a white wig, silk stockings, smalls, and the Mutiny +Act.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>OUR CITY ARTICLE.</h3> +<p>We have no arrivals to-day, but are looking out anxiously for +the overland mail from Battersea. It is expected that news will be +brought of the state of the mushroom market, and great +inconvenience in the mean time is felt by the dealers, who are +holding all they have got, in the anticipation of a fall; while +commodities are, of course, every moment getting heavier.</p> +<p>The London and Westminster steam-boat <em>Tulip</em>, with +letters from Milbank, was planted in the mud off Westminster for +several hours, and those who looked for the correspondence, had to +look much longer than could have been agreeable.</p> +<p>The egg market has been in a very unsettled state all the week; +and we have heard whispers of a large breakage in one of the +wholesale houses. This is caused by the dead weight of the +packing-cases, to which every house in the trade is liable. In the +fruit market, there is positively nothing doing; and the +<em>growers</em>, who are every day becoming <em>less</em>, +complain bitterly. Raspberries were very slack, at 2½d. per +pottle; but dry goods still brought their prices. We have heard of +several severe smashes in currants, and the bakers, who, it is +said, generally contrive to get a finger in the pie, are among the +sufferers.</p> +<p>The salmon trade is, for the most part, in a pickle; but we +should regret to say anything that might be misinterpreted. The +periwinkle and wilk interest has sustained a severe shock; but +potatoes continue to be <em>done</em> much as usual.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>TO SIR F—S B—T.</h3> +<blockquote class="note">“A dinner is to be given to Captain +Rous on the 20th inst., at which Sir Francis Burdett has promised +to preside.”—<em>Morning Paper.</em></blockquote> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Egyptian revels often boast a guest</p> +<p>In sparkling robes and blooming chaplets drest;</p> +<p>But, oh! what loathsomeness is hid beneath—</p> +<p>A fleshless, mould’ring effigy of death;</p> +<p>A thing to check the smile and wake the sigh,</p> +<p>With thoughts that living excellence can die.</p> +<p>How many at the coming feast will see</p> +<p>THE SKELETON OF HONOURED WORTH IN THEE!</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page40" name="page40"></a>[pg +40]</span> +<h2>SUPREME: COURT OF THE LORD HIGH INQUISITOR PUNCH.</h2> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>“Laselato ogni speranza, voi ch’ intrate!”</p> +</div> +</div> +<h3>JOHN BULL <em>v.</em> THE PEEL PLACE-HUNTING COMPANY.</h3> +<p>MR. JOBTICKLER said he had to move in this cause for an +injunction to restrain the Peel Place-hunting Company from entering +into possession of the estates of plaintiff. It appeared from the +affidavits on which he moved, that the defendants, though not in +actual possession, laid an equitable claim to the fee simple of the +large estates rightfully belonging to the plaintiff, over which +they were about to exercise sovereign dominion. They had entered +into private treaty with the blind old man who held the post of +chief law-grubber of the Exchequer, offering him a bribe to pretend +illness, and take half his present pay, in order to fasten one of +the young and long-lived leeches—one Sir Frederick +Smal-luck—to the vacant bench. They were about to compel a +decentish sort of man, who did the business of Chancery as well as +such business can be done under the present system, to retire upon +half allowance, in order to make room for one Sir William Fullhat, +who had no objection to £14,000 a year and a peerage. They +were about to fill two sub-chancellorships, which they would not on +any account allow the company in the present actual possession of +the estates to fill up with a couple of their own shareholders; and +were, in fine, proceeding to dispose of, by open sale, and by +private contract, the freehold, leasehold, and funded property of +plaintiff, to the incalculable danger of the estate, and to the +disregard of decency and justice. What rendered this assumption and +exercise of power the more intolerable, was, that the persons the +most unfit were selected; and as if, it would appear, from a +“hateful love of contraries,” the man learned in law +being sent to preside over the business of equity, of which he knew +nothing, and the man learned in equity being entrusted with the +direction of law of which he knew worse than nothing; being obliged +to unlearn all he had previously learnt, before he began to learn +his new craft.</p> +<p>LORD HIGH INQUISITOR.—Don’t you know, sir, that +<em>poeta nascitur non fit?</em> Is not a judge a judge the moment +he applies himself to the seat of justice?</p> +<p>MR. JOBTICKLER.—Most undoubtedly it is so, my lord, as +your lordship is a glorious example, but—</p> +<p>LORD HIGH INQUISITOR.—But me no buts, sir. I’ll have +no allusions made to my person. What way are the cases on the point +you would press on the court?</p> +<p>MR. JOBTICKLER.—The cases, I am sorry to say, are all in +favour of the Peel Place-hunting Company’s proceedings; but +the principle, my lord, the principle!</p> +<p>LORD HIGH INQUISITOR.—Principle! What has principle to do +with law, Sir? Really the bar is losing all reverence for +authority, all regard for consistency. I must put a stop to such +revolutionary tendencies on the part of gentlemen who practise in +my court. Sit down, sir.</p> +<p>MR. JOBTICKLER.—May my client have the injunction?</p> +<p>LORD HIGH INQUISITOR.—No-o-o-o! But he shall pay all the +costs, and I only wish I could double them for his impertinence. +You, sir, you deserve to be stripped of your gown for insulting the +ears of the court with such a motion.</p> +<p>CRIER.—Any more appeals, causes, or motions, in the +Supreme Court of the Lord High Inquisitor Punch, to-day? (A dead +silence.)</p> +<p>LORD HIGH INQUISITOR (bowing gracefully to the bar).—Good +morning, gentlemen. You behold how carefully we fulfil the letter +of Magna Charta.</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>“Nulli vendemus, nulli negabimus, aut differemus rectum +vel justitiam.” [<em>Exit.</em>]</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>CRIER.—This Court will sit the next time it is the Lord +High Inquisitor’s pleasure that it should sit, and at no +other period or time.—God save the Queen!</p> +<hr /> +<h3>AN AN-TEA ANACREONTIC.—No. 3.</h3> +<h4>ΕΙΣ ΛΥΡΑΝ.</h4> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Apollo! ere the adverse fates</p> +<p>Gave thy lyre to Mr. Yates<sup>2</sup><span class="sidenote">2. +This celebrated instrument now crowns the chaste yet elaborate +front of the Adelphi Theatre, where full-length effigies of Mr. and +Mrs. Yates may be seen silently inviting the public to walk +in.</span>,</p> +<p>I have melted at thy strain</p> +<p>When Bunn reign’d o’er Drury-lane;</p> +<p>For the music of thy strings</p> +<p>Haunts the ear when Romer sings.</p> +<p>But to me <em>that</em> voice is mute!</p> +<p>Tuneless kettle-drum and flute</p> +<p>I but hear <em>one</em> liquid lyre—</p> +<p>Kettle bubbling on the fire,</p> +<p>Whizzing, fizzing, steaming out</p> +<p>Music from its curved spot,</p> +<p>Wak’ning visions by its song</p> +<p>Of thy nut-brown streams, Souchong;</p> +<p>Lumps of crystal saccharine—</p> +<p>Liquid pearl distill’d from kine;</p> +<p>Nymphs whose gentle voices mingle</p> +<p>With the silver tea-spoons’ jingle!</p> +<p>Symposiarch I o’er all preside,</p> +<p>The Pidding of the fragrant tide.</p> +<p>Such the dreams that fancy brings,</p> +<p>When my tuneful kettle sings!</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>AUTHENTIC.</h3> +<h4>FROM EBENEZER BEWLEY, OF LONDON, TO HIS FRIEND REUBEN PIM, OF +LIVERPOOL.</h4> +<p style="text-align:right;">7th mo. 29th, 1841.</p> +<p>Friend Reuben,—I am in rect. of thine of 27th inst., and +note contents. It affordeth me consolation that the brig +<em>Hazard</em> hath arrived safely in thy port—whereof I +myself was an underwriter—also, that a man-child hath been +born unto thee and to thy faithful spouse Rebecca. Nevertheless, +the house of Crash and Crackitt hath stopped payment, which hath +caused sore lamentation amongst the faithful, who have discounted +their paper. It hath pleased Providence to raise the price of E.I. +sugars; the quotations of B.P. coffee are likewise improving, in +both of which articles I am a large holder. Yet am I not puffed up +with foolish vanity, but have girded myself round with the girdle +of lowliness, even as with the band which is all round my hat! In +token whereof, I offered to hand 20 puncheons of the former, as +<img src= +"images/004-04.png" +alt="A glyph of a stylized P" height="20" /> margin.</p> +<p>There are serious ferments and heartburnings amongst the great +ones of this land: and those that sit on the benches called +“The Treasury” are become sore afraid, for he whom men +call Lord John Russell hath had notice to quit. Thereat, the Tories +rejoice mightily, and lick their chops for the fat morsels and the +sops in the pan that Robert the son of <em>Jenny</em> hath promised +unto his followers. Nevertheless, tidings have reached me that a +good spec. might be made in Y.C. tallow, whereon I desire thy +opinion; as also on the practice of stuffing roast turkey with +green walnuts, which hath been highly recommended by certain of the +brethren here, who have with long diligence and great anxiety +meditated upon the subject.</p> +<p>And now, I counsel thee, hold fast the change which thou hast, +striving earnestly for that which thou hast not, taking heed +especially that no man comes the “artful” over thee; +whereby I caution thee against one Tom Kitefly of Manchester, whose +bills have returned back unto me, clothed with that unseemly +garment which the notary calleth “a protest.” Assuredly +he is a viper in the paths of the unwary, and will bewray thee with +his fair speeches; therefore, I say, take heed unto him.</p> +<p>I remain thy friend,<br /> +EBEN. BEWLEY.<br /> +Mincing Lane.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>TO BAD JOKERS.</h3> +<p>Sir,—Seeing in the first number of your paper an +announcement from Mr. Thomas Hood, that he was in want of a +laugher, I beg to offer my services in that comic capacity, and to +hand you my card and certificates of my cachinnatory powers.</p> +<p>T.C.</p> +<blockquote> +<h4>CARD.</h4> +<p>Mr. Toady Chuckle begs to inform wits, punsters, and jokers in +general that he</p> +<h5>GOES OUT LAUGHING.</h5> +<p>His truly invaluable zest for bad jokes has been patronised by +several popular farce-writers and parliamentary Pasquins.</p> +<p>Mr. T.C. always has at command smiles for satire, simpers for +repartee, sniggers for conundrums, titters for puns, and guffaws +for jocular anecdotes. By Mr. T.C.’s system, cues for +laughter are rendered unnecessary, as, from a long course of +practical experience, the moment of cachinnation is always +judiciously selected.</p> +<p>N.B. The worst Jokes laughed at, and rendered successful. Old +Joes made to tell as well as new.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<h5>COMIC CREDENTIALS.</h5> +<p>T.R.C.G.</p> +<p>Sir,—I feel myself bound in justice to you and your +invaluable laughter, as well as to others who may be suffering, as +I have been, with a weakly farce, to inform you of its +extraordinary results in my case. My bantling was given up by all +the faculty, when you were happily shown into the boxes. One laugh +removed all sibillatory indications; a second application of your +invaluable cachinnation elicited slight applause; whilst a third, +in the form of a <em>guffaw</em>, rendered it perfectly +successful.</p> +<p>From the prevalence of dulness among dramatic writers, I have no +doubt that your services will be in general requisition.</p> +<p>I am, yours, very respectfully,<br /> +J.R. Planche.<br /> +C—— C——.</p> +<p>Sir,—I beg to inform you, for the good of other bad +jokers, that I deem the introduction of your truly valuable +cachinnation one of the most important ever made; in proof of +which, allow me to state, that after a joke of mine had proved a +failure for weeks, I was induced to try your cachinnation, by the +use of which it met with unequivocal success; and, I declare, if +the cost were five guineas a <em>guffaw</em>, I would not be +without it.</p> +<p>Yours truly,<br /> +Charles Delaet Waldo Sibthorp (Colonel).</p> +</blockquote> +<hr /> +<h3>“MY NAME’S THE DOCTOR”—(<em>vide</em> +Peel’s Speech at Tamworth.)</h3> +<p>The two doctors, Peel and Russell, who have been so long engaged +in renovating John Bull’s “glorious +constitution!” though they both adopt the lowering system at +present, differ as to the form of practice to be pursued. Russell +still strenuously advocates his <em>purge</em>, while Sir Robert +insists upon the efficacy of <em>bleeding</em>.</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>“Who shall decide when doctors disagree?”</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page41" name="page41"></a>[pg +41]</span> +<h2>PUNCH’S INFORMATION FOR THE PEOPLE.—NO. 1.</h2> +<h3>BEING A VERY FAMILIAR TREATISE ON ASTRONOMY.</h3> +<p>Our opinion is, that science cannot be too familiarly dealt +with; and though too much familiarity certainly breeds contempt, we +are only following the fashion of the day, in rendering science +somewhat contemptible, by the strange liberties that publishers of +<em>Penny Cyclopædias</em>, three-halfpenny +<em>Informations</em>, and twopenny <em>Stores of Knowledge</em>, +are prone to take with it.</p> +<p>In order to show that we intend going at high game, we shall +begin with the stars; and if we do not succeed in levelling the +heavens to the very meanest capacity—even to that of</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/004-05.png"><img src= +"images/004-05.png" alt="A squalling child punches its mother." id= +"img004-05" name="img004-05" width="50%" /></a> +<p>AN INFANT IN ARMS—</p> +</div> +<p>we shall at once give up all claims to the title of an +enlightener of the people.</p> +<p>Every body knows there are planets in the air, which are called +the <em>planetary</em> system. Every one knows our globe goes upon +its axis, and has two poles, but what is the axis, and what the +poles are made of—whether of wood, or any other +material—are matters which, as far as the mass are concerned, +are involved in the greatest possible obscurity.</p> +<p>The north pole is chiefly remarkable for no one having ever +succeeded in reaching it, though there seems to have been a regular +communication to it by post in the time of Pope, whose +lines—</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>“Speed the soft intercourse from zone to zone.</p> +<p>And waft a sigh from Indus <em>to the pole</em>,”</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>imply, without doubt, that packages reached the pole; not, +however, without regard to the <em>size</em> (SIGHS), which may +have been limited.</p> +<p>The sun, every body knows, is very large, and indeed the size +has been ascertained to an inch, though we must say we should like +to see the gentleman who measured it. Astronomers declare there are +spots upon it, which may be the case, unless the <em>savans</em> +have been misled by specks of dirt on the bottom of their +telescopes. As these spots are said to disappear from time to time, +we are strongly inclined to think our idea is the correct one. Some +insist that the sun is liquid like water, but if it were, the +probability is, that from its intense heat, the whole must have +boiled away long ago, or put itself out, which is rather more +feasible.</p> +<p>We do not think it necessary to go into the planets, for, if we +did, it is not unlikely we should be some time time before we got +out again; but we shall say a few words about our own Earth, in +which our readers must, of course, take a special interest.</p> +<p>It has been decided, that, viewed from the moon, our globe +presents a mottled appearance; but, as this assertion can possibly +rest on no better authority than that of the Man in the Moon, we +must decline putting the smallest faith in it.</p> +<p>It is calculated that a day in the moon lasts just a fortnight, +and that the night is of the same duration. If this be the case, +the watchmen in the moon must be horridly over-worked, and daily +labourers must be fatigued in proportion. When the moon is on the +increase, it is seen in the crescent; but whether +Mornington-crescent or Burton-crescent, or any other crescent in +particular, has not been mentioned by either ancient or modern +astronomers. The only articles we get from the moon, are moonlight +and madness. <em>Lunar</em> caustic is not derived from the planet +alluded to.</p> +<p>Of the stars, one of the most brilliant is <em>Sirius</em>, or +<em>the Dog-star</em>, which it is calculated gives just +one-twenty-millionth part of the light of the sun, or about as much +as that of a farthing rushlight. It would seem that such a shabby +degree of brilliancy was hardly worth having; but when it is +remembered that it takes three years to come, it really seems +hardly worth while to travel so far to so very little purpose.</p> +<p>The most magnificent of the starry phenomena, is the Milky Way +or <em>Whey</em>; and, indeed, the epithet seems superfluous, for +all <em>whey</em> is to a certain extent milky. The <em>Band of +Orion</em> is familiar to all of us by name; but it is not a +musical band, as most people are inclined to think it is. Perhaps +the allusion to the <em>music of the spheres</em> may have led to +this popular error, as well as to that which regards Orion’s +<em>band</em> as one of <em>wind</em> instruments.</p> +<p>We shall not go into those ingenious calculations that some +astronomers have indulged in, as to the time it would take for a +cannon-ball to come from the sun to the earth, for we really hope +the earth will never be troubled by so unwelcome a visitor. Nor +shall we throw out any suggestions as to how long a bullet would be +going from the globe to the moon; for we do not think any one would +be found goose enough to take up his rifle with the intention of +trying the experiment.</p> +<p>Comets are, at present, though very luminous bodies, involved in +considerable obscurity. Though there is plenty of light in comets, +we are almost entirely in the dark concerning them. All we know +about them is, that they are often coming, but never come, and +that, after frightening us every now and then, by threatening +destruction to our earth, they turn sharp off, all of a sudden, and +we see no more of them. Astronomers have spied at them, learned +committees have sat upon them, and old women have been frightened +out of their wits by them; but, notwithstanding all this, the +<em>comet</em> is so utterly mysterious, that “thereby +<em>hangs a tail</em>” is all we are prepared to say +respecting it.</p> +<p>We trust the above remarks will have thrown a light on the sun +and moon, illustrated the stars, and furnished a key to the skies +in general; but those who require further information are referred +to Messrs. Adams and Walker, whose plans of the universe, +consisting of several yellow spots on a few yards of black calico, +are exactly the things to give the students of astronomy a full +development of those ideas which it has been our aim to open out to +him.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>NEW STUFFING FOR THE SPEAKER’S CHAIR.</h3> +<blockquote class="note">“With too much blood and too little +brain, these two may run mad; but if with too much brain and too +little blood, they do, I’ll be a curer of +madmen.”—<em>Troilus and Cressida</em>.</blockquote> +<p>MR. PETER BORTHWICK and Colonel Sibthorpe are both named as +candidates for the Speaker’s chair. Peter has a certificate +of being “a <em>bould</em> speaker,” from old +Richardson, in whose company he was engaged as parade-clown and +check-taker. The gallant Colonel, however, is decidedly the +favourite, notwithstanding his very ungracious summary of the Whigs +some time ago. We would give one of the buttons off our hump to +see</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/004-06.png"><img src= +"images/004-06.png" alt= +"A seated bearded man wearing a wig and robes." id="img004-06" +name="img004-06" width="50%" /></a> +<p>SIBTHORPE IN THE CHAIR.</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<p>MR. JOSEPH MUGGINS begs to inform his old crony, PUNCH, that the +report of Sir John Pullon, “as to the possibility of +elevating an ass to the head of the poll by bribery and +corruption” is perfectly correct, provided there is no +abatement in the price. Let him canvass again, and Mr. J.M. pledges +himself, whatever his weight, if he will only stand “one +penny more, up goes the donkey!”</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/004-07.png"><img src= +"images/004-07.png" alt= +"A circus performer balances a ladder with his mouth. A donkey is balancing on top of the ladder." +id="img004-07" name="img004-07" width="50%" /></a> +<p>CANDIDATE AT THE HEAD OF THE POLE.</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>OLD BAILEY.</h3> +<p>Robbed—Melbourne’s butcher of his +twelvemonth’s billings.</p> +<p>Verdict—Stealing under forty shillings.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>LEGAL PUGILISM.</h3> +<p>The Chancery bar has been lately occupied with a question +relating to a patent for pins’ heads. The costs are estimated +at £5000. The lawyers are the best boxers, after all. Only +let them get a <em>head in chancery</em>, even a +<em>pin’s</em>, and see how they make the proprietor +<em>bleed</em>.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>INQUEST.</h3> +<p>Died, Eagle Rouse—Verdict, <em>Felo de se</em>.</p> +<p>Induced by being ta’en for—Ross, M.P.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>RUMBALL THE COMEDIAN.</h3> +<p>When Mr. Rumball was at the Surrey Theatre, the treasurer paid +him the proceeds of a share of a benefit in half-crowns, shillings, +and sixpences, which Rumball boasted that he had carried home on +his head. His friends, from that day, accounted for his +<em>silvery</em> hair!</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page42" name="page42"></a>[pg +42]</span> +<h2>FOREIGN AFFAIRS.</h2> +<p>We beg to invite attention to the aspect of our Foreign Affairs. +It is dark, lowering, gloomy—some would say, alarming. When +it smiles, its smiles deceive. To use the very mildest term, it is +exceedingly suspicious. Let John Bull look to his pockets.</p> +<p>It is, nevertheless, but a piece of justice to state, that, +formidable as the appearance of Foreign Affairs may be, no blame +whatever can, in our opinion, be attached to Lord Palmerston.</p> +<p>The truth is, that the Foreign Affairs of PUNCH are not the +Foreign Affairs of Politics. They are certain living beings; and we +call them Affairs, by way of compromise with some naturalists, to +whom the respective claims of man and the ape to their relationship +may appear as yet undecided.</p> +<p>In their anatomical construction they undoubtedly resemble +mankind; they are also endowed with the faculty of speech. Their +clothes, moreover, do not grow upon their backs, although they look +very much as if they did. They come over here in large numbers from +other countries, chiefly from France; and in London abound in +Leicester-square, and are constantly to be met with under the +Quadrant in Regent-street, where they grin, gabble, chatter, and +sometimes dance, to the no small diversion of the passengers.</p> +<p>As these Foreign Affairs have long been the leaders of fashion, +and continue still to give the tone to the manners and sentiments +of the politer circles, where also their language is, perhaps, more +frequently spoken than the vernacular tongue; and as there is +something about them—no matter what—which renders them +great favourites with a portion of the softer sex, we shall +endeavour to point out, for the edification of those who may be +disposed to copy them, those peculiarities of person, deportment, +and dress, by which their tribe is distinguished.</p> +<p>We address ourselves more particularly to those whose animal +part—every man is said to resemble, in some respect, one of +the lower animals—is made up of the marmozet and the +puppy.</p> +<p>Be it known, then, to all those whom it may concern, that there +are, to speak in a general way, two great classes of Foreign +Affairs—the shining and the dingy.</p> +<p>The characteristic appearance of the former might, perhaps, be +obtained by treating the apparel with a preparation of plumbago or +black lead; that of the latter by the use of some fuliginous +substance, as a dye, or, perhaps, by direct fumigation. The gloss +upon the cheeks might be produced by perseverance in the process of +dry-rubbing; the more humid style of visage, by the application of +emollient cataplasms. General sallowness would result, as a matter +of course, from assiduous dissipation. Young gentlemen thus glazed +and varnished, <em>French</em>-polished, in fact, from top to toe, +might glitter in the sun like beetles; or adopt, if they preferred +it, as being better adapted for lady-catching, the more sombre +guise of the spider.</p> +<p>Foreign Affairs have two opposite modes of wearing the hair; we +can recommend both to those studious of elegance. The locks may be +suffered to flow about the shoulders in ringlets, resembling the +tendrils of the vine, by which means much will be done towards +softening down the asperities of sex; or they may be cropped close +to the scalp in such a manner as to impart a becoming prominence to +the ears. When the development of those appendages is more than +usually ample, and when nature has given the head a particularly +stiff and erect covering, descending in two lateral semicircles, +and a central point on the forehead, the last mentioned style is +the more appropriate By its adoption, the most will be made of +certain personal, we might almost say generic, advantages;—we +shall call it, in the language of the Foreign Affairs themselves, +the <em>coiffure à-la-singe</em>.</p> +<p>Useful hints, with respect to the management of the whiskers, +may be derived from the study of Foreign Affairs. The broad, shorn, +smooth extent of jaw, darkened merely on its denuded surface, and +the trimmed regular fringe surrounding the face, are both, in +perhaps equal degrees, worthy of the attention of the tasteful. The +shaggy beard and mustachios, especially, if aided by the effect of +a ferocious scowl, will admirably suit those who would wish to have +an imposing appearance; the chin, with its pointed tuft +<em>à la capricorne</em>, will, at all events, ensure +distinction from the human herd; and the decorated upper lip, with +its downy growth dyed black, and gummed (the cheek at the same time +having been faintly tinged with rouge, the locks parted, perfumed, +and curled, the waist duly compressed, a slight addition, if +necessary, made to the breadth of the hips, and the feet confined +by the most taper and diminutive <em>chausserie</em> imaginable), +will just serve to give to the <em>tout ensemble</em> that one +touch of the masculine character which, perhaps, it may be well to +retain.</p> +<p>The remarkable tightness and plumpness of limbs and person +exhibited by Foreign Affairs cannot have escaped observation. This +attractive quality may be acquired by purchasing the material out +of which the clothes are to be made, and giving the tailor only +just as much as may exactly suffice for the purpose. Its general +effect will be much aided by wearing wristbands turned up over the +cuff, and collars turned down upon the stock. An agreeable contrast +of black and white will thus also be produced. Those who are fonder +of harmony will do well to emulate the closely-buttoned sables +likewise worn by a large class of Foreign Affairs, who, affecting a +uniform tint, eschew the ostentation of linen.</p> +<p>The diminution of the width of their coat collars, and the +increase of the convexity of their coat tails, an object which, by +artificial assistance, might easily be gained, are measures which +we would earnestly press on all who are ambitious of displaying an +especial resemblance to Foreign Affairs. We also advise them to +have lofty, napless, steeple-crowned hats.</p> +<p>He who would pass for a shining specimen, in every sense of the +word, of a Foreign Affair, should wear varnished boots, which, if +composed partly of striped cloth, or what is much prettier, of +silk, will display the ancles to the better advantage.</p> +<p>With regard to colours in the matter of costume, the +contemplation of Foreign Affairs will probably induce a preference +for black, as being better suited to the complexion, though it +will, at the same time, teach that the hues of the rainbow are +capable, under certain circumstances, of furnishing useful +suggestions.</p> +<p>It will have been perceived that the Foreign Affairs of which we +have been treating are the Affairs of one particular nation: beside +these, however, there are others; but since all of their +characteristics may be acquired by letting the clothes alone, never +interfering with the hair, abstaining from the practice of +ablution, and smoking German pipes about the streets, they are +hardly worth dwelling upon. Those who have light and somewhat +shaggy locks will study such models with the best success.</p> +<p>Not only the appearance, but the manners also, of Foreign +Affairs, may be copied with signal benefit. Two of their +accomplishments will be found eminently serviceable—the art +of looking black, and that of leering. These physiognomical +attainments, exhibited by turns, have a marvellous power of +attracting female eyes—those of them, at least, that have a +tendency to wander abroad. The best way of becoming master of these +acquisitions is, to peruse with attention the features of bravoes +and brigands on the one hand, and those of opera-dancers on the +other. The progress of Foreign Affairs should be attentively +watched, as the manner of it is distinguished by a peculiar grace. +This, perhaps, we cannot better teach anyone to catch, than by +telling him to endeavour, in walking, to communicate, at each step, +a lateral motion to his coat tail. The gait of a popular actress, +dressed as a young officer, affords, next to that actually in +question, the best exemplification of our meaning. Habitual dancing +before a looking-glass, by begetting a kind of second nature, which +will render the movements almost instinctive, will be of great +assistance in this particular.</p> +<p>In order to secure that general style and bearing for which +Foreign Affairs are so remarkable, the mind must be carefully +divested of divers incompatible qualities—such as +self-respect, the sense of shame, the reverential instinct, and +that of conscience, as certain feelings are termed. It must also be +relieved of any inconvenient weight of knowledge under which it may +labour; though these directions are perhaps needless, as those who +have any inclination to form themselves after the pattern of +Foreign Affairs, are not very likely to have any such moral or +intellectual disqualifications to get rid of. However, it would +only be necessary to become conversant with the Affairs themselves, +in order, if requisite, to remove all difficulties of the sort. +“There is a thing,” reader, “which thou hast +often heard of, and it is known to many in our land by the name of +pitch;” we need not finish the quotation.</p> +<p>To defend the preceding observations from misconstruction, we +will make, in conclusion, one additional remark; Foreign +<em>Affairs</em> are one thing—Foreign <em>Gentlemen</em> +another.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page43" name="page43"></a>[pg +43]</span> +<h2>PUNCH’S PENCILLINGS—No. IV.</h2> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/004-08.png"><img src= +"images/004-08.png" alt= +"Sketches of people on the top half of the image, and a crowd of fashionable people on the bottom. Signed by John Leach and E. Landells." +id="img004-08" name="img004-08" width="100%" /></a> +<p>FOREIGN AFFAIRS by <img src="images/004-09.png" alt= +"An ink bottle" id="img004-09" name="img004-09" height="50" /></p> +</div> +<!-- [pg 44] --> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page45" name="page45"></a>[pg +45]</span> +<h2>THE MINTO-HOUSE MANIFESTO</h2> +<p>Some of our big mothers of the broad-sheet have expressed their +surprise that Lord John Russell should have penned so long an +address to the citizens of London, only the day before his wedding. +For ourselves, we think, it would have augured a far worse +compliment to Lady John had he written it the day after. These +gentlemen very properly look upon marriage as a most awful +ceremony, and would, therefore, indirectly compliment the nerve of +a statesman who pens a political manifesto with the torch of Hymen +in his eyes, and the whole house odorous of wedding-cake. In the +like manner have we known the last signature of an unfortunate +gentleman, about to undergo a great public and private change, +eulogized for the firmness and clearness of its letters, with the +perfect mastery of the supplementary flourish. However, what is +written is written; whether penned to the rustling of +bridesmaids’ satins, or the surplice of the consolatory +ordinary—whether to the anticipated music of a marriage peal, +or to the more solemn accompaniment of the bell of St. +Sepulchre’s.</p> +<p>Ha! Lord John, had you only spoken out a little year +ago—had you only told her Majesty’s Commons what you +told the Livery of London—then, at this moment, you had been +no moribund minister—then had Sir Robert Peel been as far +from St. James’s as he has ever been from Chatham. But so it +is: the Whig Ministry, like martyr Trappists, have died rather than +open their mouths. They would not hear the counsel of their +friends, and they refused to <em>speak out</em> to their enemies. +They retire from office with, at least, this distinction—they +are henceforth honorary members of the Asylum for the Deaf and +Dumb!</p> +<p>Again, the Whigs are victims to their inherent sense of +politeness—to their instinctive observance of courtesy +towards the Tories. There has been no bold defiance—no +challenge to mortal combat for the cause of public good; but when +Whig has called out Tory, it has been in picked and holiday +phrase—</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>“As if a brother should a brother dare,</p> +<p>To gentle exercise and proof of arms.”</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>For a long time the people have expected to see “cracked +crowns and bloody noses,” and at length, with true John Bull +disgust, turned from the ring, convinced that the Whigs, whatever +play they might make, would never go in and fight.</p> +<p>But have the Tories been correspondingly courteous? By no means; +the generosity of politeness has been wholly with the Whigs. They, +like frolicsome youths at a carnival, have pelted their antagonists +with nothing harder than sugar-plums—with egg-shells filled +with rose-water; while the Tories have acknowledged such holiday +missiles with showers of brickbats, and eggs <em>not</em> filled +with aromatic dew. What was the result? The Tories increased in +confidence and strength with every new assault; whilst the battered +Whigs, from their sheer pusillanimity, became noisome in the +nostrils of the country.</p> +<p>At length, the loaves and fishes being about to be carried off, +the Whigs speak out: like sulky Master Johnny, who, pouting all +dinner-time, with his finger in his mouth, suddenly finds his +tongue when the apple-dumplings are to be taken from the table. +Then does he advance his plate, seize his ivory knife and fork, put +on a look of determined animation, and cry aloud for plenty of +paste, plenty of fruit, and plenty of sugar! And then <em>Mrs. +Tory</em> (it must be confessed a wicked old <em>Mother Cole</em> +in her time), with a face not unlike the countenance of a certain +venerable paramour at a baptismal rite, declares upon her hopes of +immortality that the child shall have nothing of the sort, there +being nothing so dangerous to the constitution as plenty of flour, +plenty of fruit, and plenty of sugar. Therefore, there is a great +uproar with Master Johnny: the House, to use a familiar phrase, is +turned out of the windows; the neighbourhood is roused; Master +Johnny rallies his friends about him, that is, all the other boys +of <em>the court</em>, and the fight begins. Johnny and his mates +make a very good fight, but certain heavy Buckinghamshire +countrymen—fellows of fifty stone—are brought to the +assistance of that screaming beldame <em>Mother Tory</em>, and poor +Master Johnny has no other election than to listen to the shouts of +triumph that declare there never shall be plenty of flour, plenty +of sugar, or, in a word, plenty of pudding.</p> +<p>However, Lord Russell is not discouraged. No; he says +“there <em>shall</em> be cakes and ale, and ginger shall be +hot i’ the mouth, too!” We only trust that his +Lordship’s manifesto is not tinged by those feelings of hope +(and in the case of his lordship we may add, resignation) that +animate most men about to enter wedlock. We trust he does not +confound his own anticipations of happiness with the prospects of +the country; for in allusion to the probable policy of the Tories, +he says—“Returned to office—they may adopt our +measures, and submit to the influence of reason.” Reason from +the Stanleys—reason from the Goulburns—reason from the +Aberdeens! When the Marquis of Londonderry shall have discovered +the longitude, and Colonel Sibthorp have found out the +philosopher’s stone, we may then begin to expect the greater +miracle.</p> +<p>The Whigs, according to Lord Russell’s letter, have really +done so much when out of power, and—as he insinuates, are +again ready to do so much the instant they are expelled the +Treasury—that for the sake of the country, it must be a +matter of lamentation if ever they get in again.</p> +<hr /> +<h2>PUNCH AND SIR JOHN POLLEN.</h2> +<p>Punch, we regret to state, was taken into custody on Monday +night at a late hour, on a warrant, for the purpose of being bound +over to keep the peace towards Sir John Pollen, Bart. The +circumstances giving rise to this affair will be better explained +by a perusal of the following correspondence, which took place +between ourselves and Sir John, on the occasion, a copy of which we +subjoin:—</p> +<p style="text-align:right;margin-top:2em;"><em>Wellington Street, +July</em> 30, 1841.</p> +<p>SIR,—I have this moment read in the <em>Morning +Chronicle</em>, the correspondence between you and Lord William +Paget, wherein you are reported to say, that your recent defeat at +the Andover election was effected by “tampering with some of +the smaller voters, who would have voted for <em>Punch or any other +puppet</em>;” and that such expressions were not intended to +be <em>personally offensive</em> to Lord William Paget! The members +of her Majesty’s puppetry not permitting derogatory +conclusions to be drawn at their expense, I call upon you to state +whether the above assertions are correct; and if so, whether, in +the former case, you intended to allude personally to myself, or my +friend Colonel Sibthorp; or, in the latter, to infer that you +considered Lord W. Paget in any way our superior.</p> +<p style="text-align:right;margin-bottom:0em;">I have the honour to +be, Sir, your obedient servant,<br /> +PUNCH.</p> +<p style="margin-top:0em;">Sir John Pollen, Bart.</p> +<p style="text-align:right;margin-top:2em;"><em>Redenham, July 30, +1841.</em></p> +<p>SIGNOR,—I have just received a note in which you complain +of a speech made by me at Andover. I have sent express for my Lord +Wilkshire, and will then endeavour to recollect what I did say.</p> +<p style="text-align:right;margin-bottom:0em;">I have the honour to +be, your admirer,<br /> +JOHN POLLEN.</p> +<p style="margin-top:0em;">To Signor Punch.</p> +<p style="text-align:right;margin-top:2em;"><em>White +Hart.</em></p> +<p>SIGNOR,—My friend Lord Wilkshire has just arrived. It is +his opinion that: I did use the terms “Punch, or any other +puppet;” but I intended them to have been highly +complimentary, as applied to Lord William Paget.</p> +<p style="text-align:right;margin-bottom:0em;">I have the honour to +be, your increased admirer,<br /> +JOHN POLLEN.</p> +<p style="margin-top:0em;">To Signor Punch.</p> +<p style="text-align:right;margin-top:2em;"><em>Wellington +Street.</em></p> +<p>SIR,—I and the Colonel are perfectly satisfied. Yours +ever,</p> +<p style="text-align:right;margin-bottom:0em;">PUNCH</p> +<p style="text-align:right;margin-top:2em;"><em>Wellington +Street.</em></p> +<p>MY LORD,—It would have afforded me satisfaction to have +consulted the wishes of Sir John Pollen in regard to the +publication of this correspondence. The over-zeal of Sir +John’s friends have left me no choice in the matter, I shall +print.</p> +<p style="text-align:right;margin-bottom:0em;">Your obedient +servant,<br /> +PUNCH.</p> +<p style="margin-top:0em;">Earl of Wilkshire.</p> +<p>Thus ended this—</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/004-10.png"><img src= +"images/004-10.png" alt= +"A man looks into a dressing mirror, and his reflection shows a devil's head." +id="img004-10" name="img004-10" width="50%" /></a> +<p>CURIOUS CORRESPONDENCE.</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<p>HUMFERY CHEAT-’EM.—(<em>Vide</em> Ainsworth’s +“Guy Fawkes.”)</p> +<p>A city friend met us the other morning: “Hark +‘ee,” said he, “Alderman Humfery has been selling +shares of the Blackwall Railway, which were not in his possession; +and when the directors complained, and gave him notice that they +would bring his conduct before a full meeting, inviting him at the +same time to attend, and vindicate or explain his conduct as he +best might, he not only declined to do so, but hurried off to +Dublin. Now, I want to know this,” and he took me by the +button, “why was Alderman Humfery, when he ran away to +Dublin, like the boy who ripped up his goose which laid golden +eggs?”—We were fain to give it +up.—“Because,” said he, with a cruel dig in the +ribs, “because he <em>cut his lucky!</em>”</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page46" name="page46"></a>[pg +46]</span> +<h2>THE BOY JONES’S LOG.</h2> +<h3>PICKED UP AT SEA.</h3> +<p>The following interesting narrative of the sufferings of the +youth Jones, whose indefatigable pursuit of knowledge, under the +most discouraging circumstances, has been the cause of his +banishment to a distant shore, was lately picked up at sea, in a +sealed bottle, by a homeward-bound East Indiaman, and since placed +in our hands by the captain of the vessel; who complimented us by +saying, he felt such confidence in PUNCH’S honour and +honesty! (these were his very words), that he unhesitatingly +confided to him the precious document, in order that it might be +given to the world without alteration or curtailment.</p> +<p>We hasten to realise the captain’s flattering estimate of +our character.</p> +<p style="text-align:right;"><em>At see, on board the ship +Apollo.</em></p> +<p><em>June 30.</em>—So soon as the fust aggytation of my +mind is woar off, I take up my pen to put my scentiments on peaper, +in hops that my friends as nose the misfortin wich as +oc-<em>curd</em> to me, may think off me wen I’m far a +<em>whey</em>. Halass! sir, the wicktim of that crewel blewbeard, +Lord Melbun, who got affeard of my rising poplarity in the Palass, +and as sent me to <em>see</em> for my <em>peeping</em>, though, +heaven nose, I was acktyated by the pewrest motiffs in what I did. +The reel fax of the case is, I’m a young man of an ighly +cultiwated mind and a very <em>ink</em>-wisitive disposition, wich +naturally led me to the use of the <em>pen</em>. I ad also bean in +the abit of reading “Jak Sheppard,” and I may add, that +I O all my eleygant tastes to the perowsal of that faxinating book. +O! wot a noble mind the author of these wollums must +have!—what a frootful inwention and fine feelings he +displays!—what a delicat weal he throws over the piccadillys +of his ero, making petty larceny lovely, and burglarly butiful.</p> +<p>However, I don’t mean now to enter into a reglar +crickitism of this egxtrornary work, but merely to observe, when I +read it fust I felt a thust for literrerry fame spring up in my +buzzem; and I thort I should to be an orthor. Unfortinnet +delusion!—that thort has proved my rooin. It was the +<em>bean</em> of my life, and the destroyer of my <em>pease</em>. +From that moment I could think of nothink else; I neglekted my +wittles and my master, and wanderd about like a knight-errand-boy +who had forgotten his message. Sleap deserted my lowly pillar, and, +like a wachful shepherd, I lay all night awake amongst my +<em>flocks</em>. I had got hold of a single idear—it was the +axle of my mind, and, like a wheelbarrow, my head was always +turning upon it. At last I resolved to rite, and I cast my +i’s about for a subject—they fell on the Palass! Ear, +as my friend Litton Bulwer ses, ear was a field for genus to sore +into;—ear was an area for fillophosy to dive into;—ear +was a truly magnificient and comprehensive desine for a great +<em>nash</em>-ional picture! I had got a splendid title, +too—not for myself—I’ve a sole above such +trumperry—but for my book. Boox is like humane beings—a +good title goes a grate way with the crowd:—the one I ad +chose for my <em>shed-oove</em>, was “Pencillings in the +Palass; or, a Small Voice from the Royal Larder,” with +commick illustriations by Fiz or Krokvill. Mr. Bentley wantid to be +engaged as monthly nuss for my expected projeny; and a nother +gen’leman, whose “name” shall be “never +heard,” offered to go <em>shears</em> with me, if I’d +consent to <em>cut-uup</em> the Cort ladies. “No,” ses +I, indignantly, “I leave Cort scandle to my betters—I +go on independent principals into the Palass, and that’s more +than Lord Melbun, or Sir Robert Peal, or any one of the insiders or +outsiders ever could or ever can say of theirselves.</p> +<p>That’s what I said <em>then</em>,—but now I think, +what a cussed fool I was. All my eye-flown bubbles were fated to be +busted and melted, like the <em>wigs</em>, “into thin +<em>hair</em>.”</p> +<p><em>Nong port!</em> We gets wiser as we gets</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p>Genteel Reader,—I beg your parding. I’m better now. +Bless me, how the ship waggles! It’s reelly hawful; the +sailors only laff at it, but I suppose as they’re all +<em>tars</em> they don’t mind being <em>pitched</em> a +little.</p> +<p>The capting tells me we are now reglarly at see, having just +passt the North 4 land; so, ackording to custom, I begin my +journal, or, as naughtical men call it—to keep my log.</p> +<p><em>12 o’clock.</em>—Wind.—All in my eye. Mate +said we had our larburd tax aboard—never herd of that tax on +shore. Told me I should learn to box the compass—tried, but +couldn’t do it—so boxt the cabbing boy insted. Capting +several times calld to a man who was +steering—“<em>Port, port</em>;” but though he +always anserd, “Eye, eye, sir,” he didn’t bring +him a drop. The black cook fell into the hold on the topp of his +hed. Everybody sed he was gone to Davy Jones’s locker; but he +warn’t, for he soon came to again, drank 1/2 a pint of rumm, +and declared it was—</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/004-11.png"><img src= +"images/004-11.png" alt= +"A black man applies Marrens Jet shoe polish to his face." id= +"img004-11" name="img004-11" width="50%" /></a> +<p>THE REAL BLACK REVIVER.</p> +</div> +<p>Saw a yung salor sitting on the top of one of the +masts—thort of Dibdings faymos see-song, and asked if he +warn’t</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>“The sweet little cherub that sits up aloft?”</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>Man laff’d, and said it wor only Bill Junk clearing the +pennant halliards.</p> +<p><em>1 o’clock.</em>—Thort formerly that every sailer +wore his pigtale at the back of his head, like Mr. Tippy +Cook—find I labored under a groce mistake—they all +carry their pigtale in their backy-boxes. When I beheld the sailors +working and heaving, and found that I was also beginning to +heave-too, I cuddn’t help repeting the varse of the old +song—which fitted my case egsactly:—</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>“There’s the capt’n he is our kimmander,</p> +<p class="i2">There’s the bos’n and all the +ship’s crew,</p> +<p>There’s the married men as well as the single,</p> +<p class="i2">Ken-ows what we poor sailors goes through.”</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>However, I made up my mind not to look inward on my own wose any +longer, so I put my head out of a hole in the side of the +ship—and, my wiskers! how she did whizz along. Saw the white +cliffs of Halbion a long way off, wich brought tiers in my i, +thinking of those I had left behind, particular Sally Martin the +young gal I was paying my attentions to, who gave me a +<em>lock</em> of her air when I was a leaving of the <em>key</em>. +Oh! Lord Melbun, Lord Melbun! how can you rest in youre 4-post bed +at nite, nowing you have broke the tize of affexion and divided 2 +fond arts for hever! This mellancholly reflexion threw me into a +poeticle fitte, and though I was werry uneasy in my +<em>stommik</em>, and had nothing to rite on but my <em>chest</em>. +I threw off as follows in a few 2nds, and arterards sung it to the +well-none hair of “Willy Reilly:”—</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Oakum to me<sup>3</sup><span class="sidenote">3. The nautical +mode of writing—“Oh! come to +me.”—PRINTER’S DEVIL.</span>, ye sailors +bold,</p> +<p class="i2">Wot plows upon the sea;</p> +<p>To you I mean for to unfold</p> +<p class="i2">My mournful histo-ree.</p> +<p>So pay attention to my song,</p> +<p class="i2">And quick-el-ly shall appear,</p> +<p>How innocently, all along,</p> +<p class="i2">I vos in-weigle-ed here.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>One night, returnin home to bed,</p> +<p class="i2">I walk’d through Pim-li-co,</p> +<p>And, twigging of the Palass, sed,</p> +<p class="i2">“I’m <em>Jones</em> and +<em>In-i-go</em>.”</p> +<p>But afore I could get out, my boys</p> +<p class="i2">Pollise-man 20 A,</p> +<p>He caught me by the corderoys,</p> +<p class="i2">And lugged me right a-way.</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>My cuss upon Lord Melbun, and</p> +<p class="i2">On Jonny Russ-all-so,</p> +<p>That forc’d me from my native land</p> +<p class="i2">Across the vaves to go-o-oh.</p> +<p>But all their spiteful arts is wain,</p> +<p class="i2">My spirit down to keep;</p> +<p>I hopes I’ll soon git back again,</p> +<p class="i2">To take another peep.</p> +</div> +</div> +<p><em>2 o’clock.</em>—Bell rung for all hands to come +down to dinner. Thought I never saw dirtier hands in my life. They +call their dinner “a mess” on broad ship, and a +preshious mess it did look—no bread but hard biskit and +plenty of ship’s <em>rolls</em>, besides biled pork and +P-soop—both these articles seemed rayther queer—felt my +stommick growing quear too—got on deck, and asked where we +were—was told we were in the Straits of Dover. I never was in +such dreadful straits in my life—ship leaning very much on +one side, which made me feel like a man</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/004-12.png"><img src= +"images/004-12.png" alt= +"A man falling backwards off of a steep roof." id="img004-12" name= +"img004-12" width="50%" /></a> +<p>GOING OFF IN A RAPID DECLINE.</p> +</div> +<p><em>3 o’clock.</em>—Weather getting rather worse +than better. Mind very uneasy. Capting says we shall have plenty of +squalls to-night; and I heard him just now tell the mate to look to +the main shrouds, so I spose it’s all dickey with us, and +that this log will be my sad epilog. The idear of being made fish +meat was so orrible to my sensitive mind, that I couldn’t +refrain from weaping, which made the capting send me down stairs, +to vent my sorros in the cable <em>tiers</em>.</p> +<p><em>5 o’clock.</em>—I’m sure we shan’t +srwive this night, therefore I av determined to put my heavy log +into an M T rum-bottle, and throw it overbord, in bops it may be +pickd up by some pirson who will bare my sad tail to my dear Sally. +And now I conclewd with this short advice:—Let awl yung men +take warning by my crewel fate. Let them avide bad kumpany and keep +out of the Palass; and above all, let them mind their bissnesses on +dri land, and never cast their fortunes on any <em>main</em>, like +their unfortinet</p> +<p>Servant, THE BOY JONES.</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page47" name="page47"></a>[pg +47]</span> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/004-13.png"><img src= +"images/004-13.png" alt= +"Two men in kilt costume: one is standing haughtily upright, the other is hunched over. They are tied together with a sash that reads 'Hay Market'." +id="img004-13" name="img004-13" width="100%" /></a></div> +<h2>THE TWO MACBETHS.</h2> +<h3>OR THE HAY MARKET GEMINI.</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i6">O, Gemini-</p> +<p class="i6">Crimini!</p> +<p class="i6">Nimini-</p> +<p class="i6">Pimini</p> +<p>Representatives of the Tartan hero,</p> +<p>Who wildly tear a passion into rags</p> +<p>More ragged than the hags</p> +<p>That round about the cauldron go!</p> +<p>Murderers! who murder Shakspeare so,</p> +<p>That ’stead of murdering sleep, ye do not do it;</p> +<p>But, <em>vice versa</em>, send the audience to it.</p> +<p class="i8">And, oh!—</p> +<p class="i8">But no—</p> +<p class="i6">Illustrious Mac-</p> +<p class="i6">Beth, or -ready,</p> +<p class="i6">And thou, small quack,</p> +<p class="i6">Of plaudits greedy!</p> +<p>Our pen, deserted by the tuneful Muses,</p> +<p>To write on such a barren theme refuses.</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<h2>THEATRE ROYAL, DRURY LANE,</h2> +<h4>POLITICAL PROMENADE AND CONSERVATIVE CONCERTS.</h4> +<p class="cen">The most splendid night of the season! Friday, the +20th of August.</p> +<h5>CAPTAIN ROUS’S NIGHT!</h5> +<p class="cen">British Champagne and the British +Constitution!—The Church, the State, and Real Turtle!</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<p class="cen">The performances will commence with</p> +<h3>FISH OUT OF WATER,</h3> +<h5>Sam Savory—Captain Rous, R.N.</h5> +<p class="cen">After which,</p> +<h3>HIS FIRST CHAMPAGNE;</h3> +<p class="cen">Which will embrace the whole strength of THE +STEWARDS.</p> +<p class="cen">In the course of the Evening, the ENLIGHTENED</p> +<h3>LICENSED VICTUALLERS,</h3> +<p class="cen">(Those zealous admirers of <em>true British +spirit</em>) will parade the room amid</p> +<h5>A GRAND DISPLAY OF ELECTION ACCOUNTS.</h5> +<p class="cen">To be followed by a GRAND PANTOMIME, called</p> +<h3>HARLEQUIN HUMBUG;</h3> +<h5>OR, BRAVO ROUS!</h5> +<p class="cen">OLD GLORY (afterwards Pantaloon) SIR F. BURDETT,</p> +<p class="cen">who has kindly offered his services on this +occasion.</p> +<p class="cen">HARRY HUMBUG (a true British Sailor, afterwards +Harlequin), CAPT. ROUS.</p> +<p class="cen">DON WHISKERANDOS (afterwards Clown), COL. +SIBTHORPE.</p> +<p class="cen">The whole to conclude with a grand +<em>mélange</em> of</p> +<h3>HATS, COATS, AND UMBRELLAS.</h3> +<h5>TICKETS TO BE HAD AT ANY PRICE.</h5> +<p>Stretchers to be at the doors at half-past 2, and policemen to +take up with their heads towards Bow-street.</p> +<p style="text-align:right;">VIVAT REGINA.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>THE ADVANTAGES OF ANIMAL MAGNETISM.</h3> +<p>The experiments of M. Delafontaine having again raised an outcry +against this noble science, from the apparent absence of any +benefit likely to arise from it, beyond converting human beings +into pincushions and galvanic dummies. We, who look deeper into +things than the generality of the world, hail it as an inestimable +boon to mankind, and proceed at once to answer the numerous +enquirers as to the <em>cui bono</em> of this novel soporific.</p> +<p>By a judicious application of the mesmeric fluid, the greatest +domestic comfort can be insured at the least possible trouble. The +happiest Benedict is too well aware that ladies will occasionally +exercise their tongues in a way not altogether compatible with +marital ideas of quietude. A few passes of the hand (“in the +way of kindness for he who would,” &c. <em>vide</em> +Tobin) will now silence the most powerful oral battery; and Tacitus +himself might, with the aid of mesmerism, pitch his study in a +milliner’s work-room. Hen-pecked husbands have now other +means at their command, to secure quiet, than their razors and +their garters. We have experimentalised upon our Judy, and find it +answer to a miracle. Mrs. Johnson may shut up her laboratory for +American Soothing Syrup; mesmerism is the only panacea for those +morning and evening infantile ebullitions which affectionate mammas +always assign to the teeth, the wind, or a pain in the stomach, and +never to that possible cause, a pain in the temper. Mesmerism is +“the real blessing to mothers,” and Elliotson the Mrs. +Johnson of the day. We have tried it upon our Punchininny, and find +it superior to our old practice of throwing him out of the +window.</p> +<p>Lovers, to you it is a boon sent by Cupid. Mammas, who will keep +in the room when your bosoms are bursting with +adoration—fathers, who will wake on the morning of an +elopement, when the last trunk and the parrot are confided to you +from the window—bailiffs, who will hunt you up and down their +bailiwick, even to the church-door, though an heiress is depending +upon your character for weekly payments—all are rendered +powerless and unobtrusive by this inexplicable palmistry. +Candidates, save your money; mesmerise your opponents instead of +bribing them, and you may become a patriot by a show of hands.</p> +<p>These are a few of its social advantages—its political +uses are unbounded. Why not mesmerise the Chinese? and, as for the +Chartists, call out Delafontaine instead of the magistrates—a +few mesmeric passes would be an easy and efficient substitute for +the “Riot Act.” Then the powers of +<em>clairvoyance</em>—the faculty of seeing with their eyes +shut—that it gives to the patient. Mrs. Ratsey, your royal +charge might be soothed and instructed at the same time, by +substituting a sheet of PUNCH for the purple and fine linen of her +little Royal Highness’s nautilus-shell.</p> +<p>Lord John Russell, the policy of your wily adversary would no +longer be concealed. Jealous husbands, do you not see a haven of +security, for brick walls may be seen through, and letters read in +the pocket of your rival, by this magnetic telescope? whilst +studious young gentleman may place Homer under their arms, and +study Greek without looking at it.</p> +<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/004-14.png"><img src= +"images/004-14.png" alt= +"A man reads in front of a bench full of sleeping people." id= +"img004-14" name="img004-14" width="50%" /></a> +<p>MESMERISM.</p> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>FASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE.</h3> +<p>The Marquis of Waterford and party visited Vauxhall Gardens on +Monday. The turnpike man on the bridge was much <em>struck</em> by +their easy manner of dealing with their inferiors.</p> +<p>Alderman Magnay laid the first shell of an oyster grotto one +night this week in the Minories. There was a large party of boys, +who, with the worthy Alderman, repaired to a neighbouring +fruit-stall, where the festivity of the occasion was kept up for +several minutes.</p> +<p>The New Cut was, as usual, a scene of much animation on Saturday +last, and there was rather a more brilliant display than customary +of new and elegant baked-potato stands. The well-known turn-out, +with five lanterns and four apertures for the steam, was the +general admiration of the host of pedestrians who throng the Cut +between the hours of eight and twelve on Saturday.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>A BITTER DRAUGHT.</h3> +<p>SIR R. PEEL, in the celebrated medicinal metaphor with which he +lately favoured his constituents at Tamworth, concludes by stating, +“that he really believes he does more than any political +physician ever did by referring to the prescriptions which he +offered in 1835 and 1840, and by saying that he sees no reason to +alter them.” This is, to carry out the physical figure, only +another version of “<em>the mixture as before</em>.” We +are afraid there are no hopes of the patient.</p> +<p>“Why are the Whigs like the toes of a +dancing-master?”—“Because they <em>must</em> be +turned out.”</p> +<p>“Why are Colonel Sibthorp and Mr. Peter Borthwick like the +covering of the dancing-master’s +toes?”—“Because they are a <em>pair of +pumps</em>.”</p> +<p>“Why are the Whigs and Tories like the scarlet fever and +the measles?”—“Because there’s no telling +which is the worst.”</p> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a id="page48" name="page48"></a>[pg +48]</span> +<h2>A HINT TO THE UGLY.</h2> +<p>My uncle Septimus Snagglegrable is no more! Excellent old man! +no one knew his worthiness whilst he was of the living, for every +one called him a scoundrel.</p> +<p>It is reserved for me to do justice to his memory, and one short +sentence will be sufficient for the purpose—he has left me +five thousand pounds! I have determined that his benevolence shall +not want an imitator, and I have resolved, at a great personal +sacrifice, to benefit that portion of my fellow creatures who are +denominated ugly. I am particularly so. My complexion is a bright +snuff-colour; my eyes are grey, and unprotected by the usual +verandahs of eye-lashes; my nose is <em>retroussé</em>, and +if it has a bridge, it must be of the suspension order, for it is +decidedly concave. I wish Rennie would turn his attention to the +state of numerous noses in the metropolis. I am sure a lucrative +company might he established for the purpose of erecting bridges to +noses that, like my own, have been unprovided by nature. I should +be happy to become a director. <em>Revenons nous</em>—my +mouth is decidedly large, and my teeth singularly irregular. My +father was violently opposed to Dr. Jenner’s “repeal of +the small-pox,”<sup>4</sup><span class="sidenote">4. +Baylis.</span> and would not have me vaccinated; the consequence of +which has been that my chin is full of little dells, thickly +studded with dark and stunted bristles. I have bunions and legs +that (as “the right line of beauty’s a curve”) +are the perfection of symmetry. My poor mother used to lament what +she, in the plenitude of her ignorance, was pleased to denominate +my disadvantages. She knew not the power of genius. To me +these—well, I’ll call them <em>defects</em>—have +been the source of great profit. For years I have walked about the +great metropolis without any known or even conjectural means of +subsistence; my coat has always been without a patch—my linen +without spot!</p> +<p>Ugly brothers, I am about to impart to you the secret of my +existence! I have lived by the fine arts—yes, by sitting +as</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>A model for door-knockers and cherubim for tomb-stones.</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>The latter may perhaps surprise you, but the contour of my +countenance is decidedly infantile—for when had a babby a +bridge?—and the addition of a penny trumpet completes the +full-blown expression of the light-headed things known to +stone-masons as cherubim.</p> +<p>But it is to the art of knocker-designing that I flatter myself +I have been of most service. By the elevation of my chin, and the +assistance of a long wig, I can present an excellent resemblance of +a lion, with this great advantage over the real animal—I can +vary the expression according to circumstances—</p> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>“As mild as milk, or raging as the storm.”</p> +</div> +</div> +<p>So that nervous single ladies need not be terrified out of their +senses every time they knock at their door, by the grim +personification of a Nero at feeding time; or a tender-hearted +poor-law guardian be pestered during dinner by invitations afforded +to the starving poor by the benevolent expression of his +knocker.</p> +<p>Ugly ones! I have now imparted to you my secret.</p> +<hr /> +<h3>ON THE POPULARITY OF MR. CH—S K—N.</h3> +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Oh, Mr. Punch! what glorious times</p> +<p>Are these, for humbly gifted mimes;</p> +<p class="i2">When, spite of each detracter,</p> +<p>Paternal name and filial love,</p> +<p>Assisted by “the powers above,”</p> +<p class="i2">Have made C——s K——n an +actor!</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>“’Tis true,” his generous patrons say,</p> +<p>“Of genius he ne’er had a ray;</p> +<p class="i2">Yet, all his faults to smother,</p> +<p>The youth inherits, from his sire,</p> +<p>A name which all the world admire,</p> +<p class="i2">And dearly loves his mother!”</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Stripp’d of his adventitious aid,</p> +<p>He ne’er ten pounds a week had made;</p> +<p class="i2">Yet every Thespian brother</p> +<p>Is now kept down, or put to flight,</p> +<p>While <em>he</em> gets fifty pounds a night,</p> +<p class="i2">Because—he loves his mother!</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Though I’m, in heart and soul, a friend</p> +<p>To genuine talent, Heaven forefend</p> +<p class="i2">That I should raise a pother,</p> +<p>Because the philanthropic folks</p> +<p>Wink and applaud a pious hoax,</p> +<p class="i2">For one who—loves his mother!</p> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>No! Heaven prolong his parent’s life</p> +<p>And grant that no untimely strife</p> +<p class="i2">May wean them from each other!</p> +<p>For soon he’d find the golden fleece</p> +<p>Slip from his grasp, should he e’er cease</p> +<p class="i2">To <em>keep</em> and—love his mother!</p> +</div> +</div> +<hr /> +<h3>A CON. BY COLONEL SIBTHORP.</h3> +<p>Why is a chesnut horse, going at a rapid pace up an inclined +plane, like an individual in white trousers presenting a young lady +in book muslin with an infantine specimen of the canine +species?—Because he is giving <em>a gallop up</em> (a girl a +pup).</p> +<hr /> +<h3>THE DRAMA.</h3> +<h4>ASTLEY’S COMPANY AT THE OLYMPIC.</h4> +<p>The distresses of actors distress nobody but themselves. A tale +of woe told off the stage by a broad comedian, begets little +sympathy; and if he is in the “heavy line,” people say +he is used to it, and is only acting—playing off upon you a +melancholy joke, that he may judge how it will <em>tell</em> at +night. Thus, when misfortune takes a benefit, charity seldom takes +tickets; for she is always sceptical about the so-called miseries +of the most giddy, volatile, jolly, careless, uncomplaining (where +managers and bad parts are not concerned) vainest, and apparently, +happiest possible members of the community, who are so completely +associated with fiction, that they are hardly believed when telling +the truth. <em>Par exemple</em>—nothing can be more true than +that Astley’s Theatre was burnt down the other day; that the +whole of that large establishment were suddenly thrown out of +employ; that their wardrobes were burnt to rags, their properties +reduced to a cinder, and their means of subsistence roasted in a +too rapid fire. True also is it, that to keep the wolf from their +own doors, those of the Olympic have been opened, where the really +dismounted cavalry of Astley’s are continuing their campaign, +having appealed to the public to support them. Judging from the +night we were present, that support has been extended with a degree +of lukewarmness which is exactly proportionate to the effect +produced by the appeals of actors when misfortune overtakes +them.</p> +<p>But, besides public sympathy, they put forth other claims for +support. The amusements they offer are of extraordinary merit. The +acting of Mr. H. Widdicomb, of Miss Daly, and Mr. Sidney Forster, +was, in the piece we saw—“The Old House at +Home”—full of nature and quiet touches of feeling +scarcely to be met with on any other stage. Still these are +qualifications the “general” do not always appreciate; +though they often draw tears, they seldom draw money. Very well, to +meet that deficiency, other and more popular actors have come +forward to offer their aid. Mr. T.P. Cooke has already done his +part, as he always does it, nobly. The same may be said of Mr. +Hammond. When we were present, Mrs. H.L. Grattan and Mr. Balls +appeared in the “Lady of Munster.” Mr. Sloan, a popular +Irish comedian from the provinces, has lent a helping hand, by +coming out in a new drama. Mr. Keeley is also announced.</p> +<p>The pieces we saw were well got up and carefully acted; so that +the patrons of the drama need not dread that, in this instance, the +Astleyan-Olympic actors believe that “charity covers a +multitude of sins.” They don’t care who sees their +faults—the more the better.</p> +<hr class="short" /> +<h4>“BEHIND THE SCENES.”</h4> +<p>When a certain class of persons, whose antipathy to gratis +sea-voyages is by no means remarkable, are overtaken by the police +and misfortune; when the last legal quibble has been raised upon +their case and failed; when, indeed, to use their own elegant +phraseology, they are “regularly stumped and done up;” +then—and, to do them justice, not till then—they resort +to confession, and to turning king’s evidence against their +accomplices.</p> +<p>This seems to be exactly the case with the drama, which is +evidently in the last stage of decline; the consumption of new +subjects having exhausted the supply. The French has been +“taken from” till it has nothing more to give; the +Newgate Calendar no longer affords materials; for an entire +dramatic edition of it might be collected (a valuable hint this for +the Syncretic Society, that desperate association for producing +un-actable dramas)—the very air is exhausted in a theatrical +sense; for “life in the clouds” has been long voted +“law;” whilst the play-writing craft have already +robbed the regions below of every spark of poetic fire; devils are +decidedly out of date. In short, and not to mince the matter, as +hyenas are said to stave off starvation by eating their own +haunches, so the drama <em>must</em> be on its last legs, when +actors turn king’s evidence, and exhibit to the public how +they flirt and quarrel, and eat oysters and drink porter, and +scandalise and make fun—how, in fact, they disport themselves +“Behind the Scenes.”</p> +<p>A visit to the English Opera will gratify those of the +uninitiated, who are anxious to get acquainted with the manners and +customs of the ladies and gentlemen of the <em>corps +dramatique</em> “at the wing.” Otherwise than as a sign +of dramatic destitution, the piece called “Behind the +Scenes” is highly amusing. Mr. Wild’s acting displays +that happy medium between jocularity and earnest, which is the +perfection of burlesque. Mrs. Selby plays the “leading +lady” without the smallest effort, and invites the first +tragedian to her treat of oysters and beer with considerable +<em>empressement</em>, though supposed to be labouring at the time +<em>under</em> the stroke of the headsman’s axe. Lastly, it +would be an act of injustice to Mr. Selby to pass his <em>Spooney +Negus</em> over in silence. PUNCH has too brotherly an affection +for his fellow-actors, to hide their faults; in the hope that, by +shewing them <em>veluti in speculum</em>, they may be amended. In +all kindness, therefore, he entreats Mr. Selby, if he be not bent +upon hastening his own ruin, if he have any regard for the feelings +of unoffending audiences, who always witness the degradation of +human nature with pain—he implores him to provide a +substitute for <em>Negus</em>. Every actor knows the difference +between portraying imbecility and <em>being</em> silly +himself—between puerility, as characteristic of a part <em>in +posse</em>, and as being a trait of the performer <em>in esse</em>. +To this rule Mr. Selby, in this part, is a melancholy exception; +for he seems utterly ignorant of such a distinction, broad as it +is—he is silly himself, instead of causing silliness in +<em>Spooney</em>. This is the more to be regretted, as whoever +witnessed, with us, the first piece, saw in Mr. Selby a respectable +representative of an old dandy in “Barnaby Rudge.” +Moreover, the same gentleman is, we understand, the adapter of the +drama from Boz’s tale. That too proves him to be a clever +contriver of situations, and an ingenious adept with the pen and +scissors.</p> +<hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +1, August 7, 1841, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14922-h.htm or 14922-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/9/2/14922/ + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, August 7, 1841 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14922] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 1. + + + +FOR THE WEEK ENDING AUGUST 7, 1841. + + * * * * * + + +THE WIFE-CATCHERS. + +A LEGEND OF MY UNCLE'S BOOTS. + +_In Four Chapters._ + + "His name 'tis proper you should hear, + 'Twas Timothy Thady Mulligin: + And whenever he finish'd his tumbler of punch, + He always wished it full agin." + + +CHAPTER II. + + +[Illustration: Y]"You can have no idea, Jack, how deeply the loss of those +venerated family retainers affected me." + +My uncle paused. I perceived that his eyes were full, and his tumbler +empty; I therefore thought it advisable to divert his sorrow, by reminding +him of our national proverb, "_Iss farr doch na skeal_[1]." + + [1] A drink is better than a story. + +The old man's eyes glistened with pleasure, as he grasped my hand, saying, +"I see, Jack, you are worthy of your name. I was afraid that +school-learning and college would have spoiled your taste for honest +drinking; but the right drop is in you still, my boy. I mentioned," +continued he, resuming the thread of his story, "that my grandfather died, +leaving to his heirs the topped boots, spurs, buckskin-breeches, and red +waistcoat; but it is about the first-mentioned articles I mean especially +to speak, as it was mainly through their respectable appearance that so +many excellent matches and successful negotiations have been concluded by +our family. If one of our cousins was about to wait on his landlord or his +sweetheart, if he meditated taking a farm or a wife, 'the tops' were +instantly brushed up, and put into requisition. Indeed, so fortunate had +they been in all the matrimonial embassies to which they had been attached, +that they acquired the name of 'the wife-catchers,' amongst the young +fellows of our family. Something of the favour they enjoyed in the eyes of +the fair sex should, perhaps, be attributed to the fact, that all the +Duffys were fine strapping fellows, with legs that seemed made for setting +off topped boots to the best advantage. + +"Well, years rolled by; the sons of mothers whose hearts had been won by +the irresistible buckism of Shawn Duffy's boots, grew to maturity, and, in +their turn, furbished up 'the wife-catchers,' when intent upon invading the +affections of other rustic fair ones. At length these invaluable relics +descended to me, as the representative of our family. It was ten years on +last Lady-day since they came into my possession, and I am proud to say, +that during that time the Duffys and 'the wife-catchers' lost nothing of +the reputation they had previously gained, for no less than nineteen +marriages and ninety-six christenings have occurred in our family during +the time. I had every hope, too, that another chalk would have been added +to the matrimonial tally, and that I should have the pleasure of completing +the score before Lent; for, one evening, about four months ago, I received +a note from your cousin Peter, informing me that he intended riding over, +on the following Sunday, to Miss Peggy Haggarty's, for the purpose of +popping the question, and requesting of me the loan of the lucky +'wife-catchers' for the occasion. + +"I need not tell you I was delighted to oblige poor Peter, who is the best +fellow and surest shot in the county, and accordingly took down the boots +from their peg in the hall. Through the negligence of the servant they have +been hung up in a damp state, and had become covered with blue mould. In +order to render them decent and comfortable for Peter, I placed them to dry +inside the fender, opposite the fire; then lighting my pipe, I threw myself +back in my chair, and as the fragrant fumes of the Indian weed curled and +wreathed around my head, with half-closed eyes turned upon the renowned +'wife-catchers,' I indulged in delightful visions of future weddings and +christenings, and recalled, with a sigh, the many pleasant ones I had +witnessed in their company." + +Here my uncle applied the tumbler to his face to conceal his emotion. "I +brought to mind," he continued (ordering; in a parenthesis, another jug of +boiling water), "I brought to mind the first time I had myself sported the +envied 'wife-catchers' at the _pattron_ of Moycullen. I was then as wild a +blade as any in Connaught, and the 'tops' were in the prime of their +beauty. In fact, I am not guilty of flattery or egotism in saying, that the +girl who could then turn up her nose at the boots, or their master, must +have been devilish hard to please. But though the hey-day of our youth had +passed, I consoled myself with the reflection that with the help of the +saints, and a pair of new soles, we might yet hold out to marry and bury +three generations to come. + +"As these anticipations passed through my mind, I was startled by a sudden +rustling near me. I raised my eyes to discover the cause, and fancy my +surprise when I beheld 'the wife-catchers,' by some marvellous power, +suddenly become animated, gradually elongating and altering themselves, +until they assumed the appearance of a couple of tall gentlemen clad in +black, with extremely sallow countenances; and what was still more +extraordinary, though they possessed separate bodies, their actions seemed +to be governed by a single mind. I stared, and doubtless so would you, +Jack, had you been in my place; but my astonishment was at its height, when +the partners, keeping side by side as closely as the Siamese twins, stepped +gracefully over the fender, and taking a seat directly opposite me, +addressed me in a voice broken by an irrepressible chuckle-- + +"'Here we are, old boy. Ugh, ugh, ugh, hoo!' + +"So I perceive, gentlemen," I replied, rather drily. + +"'You look a little alarmed--ugh, ugh, hoo, hoo, hoo!' cried the pair. +'Excuse our laughter--hoo! hoo! hoo! We mean no offence--none whatever. +Ugh, hoo, hoo, hoo! We know we are somewhat changed in appearance.' + +"I assured the transformed 'tops' I was delighted in being honoured with +their company, under any shape; hoped they would make themselves quite at +home, and take a glass with me in the friendly way. The friends shook their +heads simultaneously, declining the offer; and he whom I had hitherto known +as the _right_ foot, said in a grave voice:-- + +"'We feel obliged, sir, but we never take anything but water; moreover, our +business now is to relate to you some of the singular adventures of our +life, convinced, that in your hand they will be given to the world in three +handsome volumes.' + +"My curiosity was instantly awakened, and I drew my chair closer to my +communicative friends, who, stretching out their legs, prepared to commence +their recital." + +"'Hem!' cried the right foot, who appeared to be the spokesman, clearing +his throat and turning to his companion--'hem! which of our adventures +shall I relate first, brother?' + +"'Why,' replied the left foot, after a few moments' reflection, 'I don't +think you can do better than tell our friend the story of Terence Duffy and +the heiress.' + +"'Egad! you're right, brother; that was a droll affair:' and then, +addressing himself to me, he continued, 'You remember your Uncle Terence? A +funny dog he was, and in his young days the very devil for lovemaking and +fighting. Look here,' said the speaker, pointing to a small circular +perforation in his side, which had been neatly patched. 'This mark, which I +shall carry with me to my grave, I received in an affair between your uncle +and Captain Donovan of the North Cork Militia. The captain one day asserted +in the public library at Ballybreesthawn, that a certain Miss Biddy +O'Brannigan had hair red as a carrot. This calumny was not long in reaching +the ears of your Uncle Terence, who prided himself on being the champion of +the _sex_ in general, and of Miss Biddy O'Brannigan in particular. +Accordingly he took the earliest opportunity of demanding from the captain +an apology, and a confession that the lady's locks were a beautiful auburn. +The militia hero, who was too courageous to desert his _colours_, +maintained they were red. The result was a meeting on the daisies at four +o'clock in the morning, when the captain's ball grazed your uncle's leg, +and in return he received a compliment from Terence, in the hip, that +spoiled his dancing for life. + +"'I will not insult your penetration by telling you what I perceive you are +already aware of, that Terence Duffy was the professed admirer of Miss +Biddy. The affair with Captain Donovan raised him materially in her +estimation, and it was whispered that the hand and fortune of the heiress +were destined for her successful champion. There's an old saying, though, +that the best dog don't always catch the hare, as Terence found to his +cost. He had a rival candidate for the affections of Miss Biddy; but such a +rival--however I will not anticipate.'" + + * * * * * + + +SONGS FOR THE SENTIMENTAL, NO. 3. + + + I am thine in _my_ gladness, + I'm thine in _thy_ tears; + My love it can change not + With absence or years. + Were a dungeon thy dwelling, + My home it should be, + For its gloom would be sunshine + If I were with thee. + But the light has no beauty + Of thee, love bereft: + I am thine, and thine only! + _Thine!_--over the left! + Over the left! + + As the wild Arab hails, + On his desolate way, + The palm-tree which tells + Where the cool fountains play, + So thy presence is ever + The herald of bliss, + For there's love in thy smile, + And there's joy in thy kiss. + Thou hast won me--then wear me! + Of thee, love, bereft, + I should fade like a flower, + _Yes!_--over the left! + Over the left! + + * * * * * + + +A gentleman in Mobile has a watch that goes so fast, he is obliged to +calculate a week back to know the time of day. + +A new bass singer has lately appeared at New Orleans, who sings so +remarkably _deep_, it takes nine Kentucky lawyers to understand a single +bar! + + * * * * * + + +A NATURAL DEDUCTION + + Why S--e is long-lived at once appears-- + The ass was always famed for _length of ears_. + + * * * * * + + +WIT WITHOUT MONEY; + +OR, HOW TO LIVE UPON NOTHING. + +BY VAMPYRE HORSELEECH, ESQ. + +"Creation's heir--the world, the world is mine."--GOLDSMITH. + + +Philosophers, moralists, poets, in all ages, have never better pleased +themselves or satisfied their readers than when they have descanted upon, +deplored, and denounced the pernicious influence of money upon the heart +and the understanding. "Filthy lucre"--"so much trash as may be grasped +thus"--"yellow mischief," I know not, or choose not, to recount how many +justly injurious names have been applied to coin by those who knew, because +they had felt, its consequences. Wherefore, I say at once, it is better to +have none on't--to live without it. And yet, now I think better upon that +point, it is well not altogether to discourage its approach. On the +contrary, lay hold upon it, seize it, rescue it from hands which in all +probability would work ruin with it, and resolutely refuse, when it is once +got, to let it go out of your grasp. Let no absurd talk about quittance, +discharge, remuneration, payment, induce the holder to relax from his +inflexible purpose of palm. Pay, like party, is the madness of many for the +gain of a few. + +Unhappily, vile gold, or its representation or equivalent, has been, during +many centuries, the sole medium through which the majority of mankind have +supplied their wants, or ministered to their luxuries. It is high time that +a sage should arise to expound how the discerning few--those who have the +wit and the will (both must concur to the great end) may live--LIVE--not +like him who buys and balances himself by the book of the groveller who +wrote "How to _Live_ upon Fifty Pounds a Year"--(O shame to manhood!)--but +live, I say--"be free and merry"--"laugh and grow fat"--exchange the +courtesies of life--be a pattern of the "minor morals"--and yet: all this +without a doit in bank, bureau, or breeches' pocket. + +I am that sage. Let none deride. Haply, I shall only remind some, but I may +teach many. Those that come to scoff, may perchance go home to prey. + +Let no gentleman of the old school (for whom, indeed, my brief treatise is +not designed) be startled when I advance this proposition: That more +discreditable methods are daily practised by those who live to get money, +than are resorted to by those who without money are nevertheless under the +necessity of living. If this proposition be assented to--as, in truth, I +know not how it can be gainsaid,--nothing need be urged in vindication of +my art of _free_ living. Proceed I then at once. + +Here is a youth of promise--born, like Jaffier, with "elegant desires"--one +who does not agnize a prompt alacrity in carrying burdens--one, rather, who +recognizes a moral and physical unfitness for such, and indeed all other +dorsal and manual operations--one who has been born a Briton, and would +not, therefore, sell his birthright for a mess of pottage; but, on the +contrary, holds that his birthright entitles him to as many messes of +pottage as there may be days to his mortal span, though time's fingers +stretched beyond the distance allotted to extreme Parr or extremest +Jenkins. "Elegant desires" are gratified to the extent I purpose treating +of them, by handsome clothes--comfortable lodgings--good dinners. + +1st. _Of Handsome Clothes._--Here, I confess, I find myself in some +difficulty. The man who knows not how to have his name entered in the +day-book of a tailor, is not one who could derive any benefit from +instruction of mine. He must be a born natural. Why, it comes by instinct. + +2nd. _Of Comfortable Lodgings._--Easily obtained and secured. The easiest +thing in life. But the wit without money must possess very little more of +the former than of the latter, if he do not, even when snugly ensconced in +one splendid suite of apartments, have his eye upon many others; for +landladies are sometimes vexatiously impertinent, and novelty is desirable. +Besides, his departure may be (nay, often is) extremely sudden. When in +quest of apartments, I have found tarnished cards in the windows +preferable. They imply a length of vacancy of the floor, and a consequent +relaxation of those narrow, worldly (some call them prudent) scruples, +which landladies are apt to nourish. Hints of a regular income, payable +four times a year, have their weight; nay, often convert weekly into +quarterly lodgings. Be sure there are no children in your house. They are +vociferous when you would enjoy domestic retirement, and inquisitive when +you take the air. Once (_horresco referens!_) on returning from my +peripatetics, I was accosted with brutally open-mouthed clamour, by my +landlady, who, dragging me in a state of bewilderment into her room, +pointed to numerous specimens of granite, which her "young people" had, in +their unhallowed thirst for knowledge, discovered and drawn from my trunk, +which, by some strange mischance, had been left unlocked! In vain I mumbled +something touching my love of mineralogy, and that a lapidary had offered I +knew not what for my collection. I was compelled to "bundle," as the +idiomatic, but ignorant woman expressed herself. To resume. + +Let not the nervous or sensitive wit imagine that, in a vast metropolis +like London, his chance of securing an appropriate lodging and a confiding +landlady is at all doubtful. He might lodge safe from the past, certain of +the future, till the crash of doom. I shall be met by Ferguson's case. +Ferguson I knew well, and I respected him. But he had a most unfortunate +countenance. It was a very solemn, but by no means a solvent face; and yet +he had a manner with him too, and his language was choice, if not +persuasive. That the matter of his speech was plausible, none ever presumed +to deny. "It is all very well, Mr. Ferguson,"--_that_ was always conceded. +I do not wish to speak ill of the dead; but Ferguson never entered a +lodging without being compelled to pay a fortnight in advance, and always + +[Illustration: EXPECTED TO BE OUT SHORTLY.] + +3rd. _Of Good Dinners._--Wits, like other men, are distinguished by a +variety of tastes and inclinations. Some prefer dining at taverns and +eating-houses; others, more discreet or less daring, love the quiet +security of the private house, with its hospitable inmates, courteous +guests, and no possibility of "bill transactions." I confess when I was +young and inexperienced, wanting that wisdom which I am now happy to +impart, I was a constant frequenter of taverns, eating-houses, +oyster-rooms, and similar places of entertainment. I am old now, and have +been persecuted by a brutal world, and am grown timid. But I was ever a +peaceable man--hated quarrels--never came to words if I could help it. _I +do not recommend the tavern, eating-house, oyster-room system._ These are +the words of wisdom. The waiters at these places are invariably sturdy, +fleet, abusive rascals, who cannot speak and will not listen to reason. To +eat one's dinner, drink a pint of sherry, and then, calling for the bill, +take out one's pocket-book, and post it in its rotation in a neat hand, +informing the waiter the while, that it is a simple debt, and so forth; +this really requires nerve. Great spirits only are equal to it. It is an +innovation upon old, established forms, however absurd--and innovators +bring down upon themselves much obloquy. To run from the score you have run +up--not to pay your shot, but to shoot from payment--this is not always +safe, and invariably spoils digestion. No; it is not more honourable--far +from it--but it is better; for you should strive to become, what is +commonly called--"A Diner Out"--that is to say, one who continues to sit +at the private tables of other men every day of his life, and by his so +potent art, succeeds in making them believe that they are very much +obliged to him. + +How to be this thing--this "Diner Out"--I shall teach you, by a few short +rules next week. Till then--farewell! + + * * * * * + + +Lord William Paget has applied to the Lord Chancellor, to inquire whether +the word "jackass" is not opprobrious and actionable. His lordship says, +"No, decidedly, in this case only synonymous." + + * * * * * + + +THE POLITICAL QUACK. + +Sir Robert Peel has convinced us of one thing by his Tamworth speech, that +whatever danger the constitution may be in, he will not proscribe for the +patient until he is _regularly called in_. A beautiful specimen of the old +Tory leaven. Sir Robert objects to give _Advice gratis_. + + * * * * * + + +TO FANCY BUILDERS AND CAPITALISTS. + +A large assortment of peculiarly fine oyster-shells, warranted fire-proof +and of first-rate quality; exquisitely adapted for the construction of +grottoes. May be seen by cards only, to be procured of Mr. George Robins, +or the clerks of Billingsgate or Hungerfofd markets. + +N.B.--Some splendid ground at the corners of popular and well-frequented +streets, to be let on short leases for edifices of the above description. +Apply as before. + + * * * * * + + +LITERARY RECIPES. + + +The following invaluable literary recipes have been most kindly forwarded +by the celebrated Ude. They are the produce of many years' intense study, +and, we must say, the very best things of the sort we have ever met with. +There is much delicacy in M. Ude leaving it to us, as to whether the +communication should be anonymous. We think not, as the peculiarity of the +style would at once establish the talented authorship, and, therefore, +attempted concealment would be considered as the result of a too morbidly +modest feeling. + + +HOW TO COOK UP A FASHIONABLE NOVEL. + +Take a consummate puppy--M.P.s preferable (as they are generally the +softest, and don't require much pressing)--baste with self-conceit--stuff +with slang--season with maudlin sentiment--hash up with a popular +publisher--simmer down with preparatory advertisements. Add six reams of +gilt-edged paper--grate in a thousand quills--garnish with marble covers, +and morocco backs and corners. Stir up with magazine puffs--skim off +sufficient for preface. Shred scraps of French and small-talk, very fine. +Add "superfine coats"--"satin stocks"--"bouquets"--"opera-boxes"--"a +duel"--an elopement--St. George's Church--silver bride favours--eight +footmen--four postilions--the like number of horses--a "dredger" of +smiles--some filtered tears--half-mourning for a dead uncle (the better if +he has a twitch in his nose), and serve with anything that will bear +"_frittering_." + + +A SENTIMENTAL DITTO. + +(_By the same Author._) + +Take a young lady--dress her in blue ribbons--sprinkle with innocence, +spring flowers, and primroses. Procure a Baronet (a Lord if in season); if +not, a depraved "younger son"--trim him with ecarte, rouge et noir, Epsom, +Derby, and a slice of Crockford's. Work up with rustic cottage, an aged +father, blind mother, and little brothers and sisters in brown holland +pinafores. Introduce mock abduction--strong dose of virtue and repentance. +Serve up with village church--happy parent--delighted daughter--reformed +rake--blissful brothers--syren sisters--and perfect _denouement_. + +N.B. Season with perspective christening and postponed epitaph. + + +A STARTLING ROMANCE. + +Take a small boy, charity, factory, carpenter's apprentice, or otherwise, +as occasion may serve--stew him well down in vice--garnish largely with +oaths and flash songs--boil him in a cauldron of crime and improbabilities. +Season equally with good and bad qualities--infuse petty larceny, +affection, benevolence, and burglary, honour and housebreaking, amiability +and arson--boil all gently. Stew down a mad mother--a gang of +robbers--several pistols--a bloody knife. Serve up with a couple of +murders--and season with a hanging-match. + +N.B. Alter the ingredients to a beadle and a workhouse--the scenes may be +the same, but the whole flavour of vice will be lost, and the boy will turn +out a perfect pattern.--Strongly recommended for weak stomachs. + + +AN HISTORICAL DITTO. + +Take a young man six feet high--mix up with a horse--draw a squire from his +father's estate (the broad-shouldered and loquacious are the best +sort)--prepare both for potting (that is, exporting). When abroad, +introduce a well-pounded Saracen--a foreign princess--stew down a couple of +dwarfs and a conquered giant--fill two sauce-tureens with a prodigious +ransom. Garnish with garlands and dead Turks. Serve up with a royal +marriage and cloth of gold. + + +A NARRATIVE. + +Take a distant village--follow with high-road--introduce and boil down +pedlar, gut his pack, and cut his throat--hang him up by the heels--when +enough, let his brother cut him down--get both into a stew--pepper the real +murderer--grill the innocent for a short time--then take them off, and put +delinquents in their place (these can scarcely be broiled too much, and a +strong fire is particularly recommended). When real perpetrators are +_done_, all is complete. + +If the parties have been poor, serve up with mint sauce, and the name of +the enriched sufferer. + + +BIOGRAPHY OF KINGS. + +Lay in a large stock of "gammon" and pennyroyal--carefully strip and pare +all the tainted parts away, when this can be done without destroying the +whole--wrap it up in printed paper, containing all possible virtues--baste +with flattery, stuff with adulation, garnish with fictitious attributes, +and a strong infusion of sycophancy. + +Serve up to prepared courtiers, who have been previously well seasoned with +long-received pensions or sinecures. + + +DRAMATIC RECIPES. + +FOR THE ADELPHI.--VERY FINE! + +Take a beautiful and highly-accomplished young female, imbued with every +virtue, but slightly addicted to bigamy! Let her stew through the first act +as the bride of a condemned convict--then season with a benevolent but very +ignorant lover--add a marriage. Stir up with a gentleman in dusty boots and +large whiskers. _Dredge_ in a meeting, and baste with the knowledge of the +dusty boot proprietor being her husband. Let this steam for some time; +during which, prepare, as a covering, a pair of pistols--carefully insert +the bullet in the head of him of the dusty boots. Dessert--general offering +of LADIES' FINGERS! Serve up with red fire and tableaux. + + +FOR MESSRS. MACREADY AND CHARLES KEAN. + +Take an enormous hero--work him up with improbabilities--dress him in +spangles and a long train--disguise his head as much as possible, as the +great beauty of this dish is to avoid any resemblance to the "_tete de veau +au naturel_." + +[Illustration: A TETE A TETE.] + +Grill him for three acts. When well worked up, add a murder or large dose +of innocence (according to the palate of the guests)--Season, with a strong +infusion of claqueurs and box orders. Serve up with twelve-sheet posters, +and imaginary Shaksperian announcements. + +N.B. Be careful, in cooking the heroes, not to turn their backs _to the +front range_--should you do so the dish will be spoiled. + + +FOR THE ROYAL VIC. + +(_A Domestic Sketch._) + +Take a young woman--give her six pounds a year--work up her father and +mother into a viscous paste--bind all with an abandoned poacher--throw in a +"dust of virtue," and a "handful of vice." When the poacher is about to +boil over, put him into another saucepan, let him simmer for some time, and +then he will turn out "lord of the manor," and marry the young woman. Serve +up with bludgeons, handcuffs, a sentimental gaoler, and a large tureen of +innocence preserved. + + +FOR THE SURREY NAUTICAL. + +Take a big man with a loud voice, dress him with a pair of ducks, and, if +pork is comeatable, a pigtail--stuff his jaws with an imitation quid, and +his mouth with a large assortment of _dammes_. Garnish with two +broad-swords and a hornpipe. Boil down a press-gang and six or seven +smugglers, and (if in season) a bo'swain and large +cat-o'-nine-tails.--Sprinkle the dish with two lieutenants, four +midshipmen, and about seven or eight common sailors. Serve up with a pair +of epaulettes and an admiral in a white wig, silk stockings, smalls, and +the Mutiny Act. + + * * * * * + + +OUR CITY ARTICLE. + +We have no arrivals to-day, but are looking out anxiously for the overland +mail from Battersea. It is expected that news will be brought of the state +of the mushroom market, and great inconvenience in the mean time is felt by +the dealers, who are holding all they have got, in the anticipation of a +fall; while commodities are, of course, every moment getting heavier. + +The London and Westminster steam-boat _Tulip_, with letters from Milbank, +was planted in the mud off Westminster for several hours, and those who +looked for the correspondence, had to look much longer than could have been +agreeable. + +The egg market has been in a very unsettled state all the week; and we have +heard whispers of a large breakage in one of the wholesale houses. This is +caused by the dead weight of the packing-cases, to which every house in the +trade is liable. In the fruit market, there is positively nothing doing; +and the _growers_, who are every day becoming _less_, complain bitterly. +Raspberries were very slack, at 2-1/2d. per pottle; but dry goods still +brought their prices. We have heard of several severe smashes in currants, +and the bakers, who, it is said, generally contrive to get a finger in the +pie, are among the sufferers. + +The salmon trade is, for the most part, in a pickle; but we should regret +to say anything that might be misinterpreted. The periwinkle and wilk +interest has sustained a severe shock; but potatoes continue to be _done_ +much as usual. + + * * * * * + +TO SIR F--S B--T. + + "A dinner is to be given to Captain Rous on the 20th inst., at + which Sir Francis Burdett has promised to preside."--_Morning + Paper._ + + Egyptian revels often boast a guest + In sparkling robes and blooming chaplets drest; + But, oh! what loathsomeness is hid beneath-- + A fleshless, mould'ring effigy of death; + A thing to check the smile and wake the sigh, + With thoughts that living excellence can die. + How many at the coming feast will see + THE SKELETON OF HONOURED WORTH IN THEE! + + * * * * * + + +SUPREME: COURT OF THE LORD HIGH INQUISITOR PUNCH. + + "Laselato ogni speranza, voi ch' intrate!" + +JOHN BULL _v._ THE PEEL PLACE-HUNTING COMPANY. + +MR. JOBTICKLER said he had to move in this cause for an injunction to +restrain the Peel Place-hunting Company from entering into possession of +the estates of plaintiff. It appeared from the affidavits on which he +moved, that the defendants, though not in actual possession, laid an +equitable claim to the fee simple of the large estates rightfully belonging +to the plaintiff, over which they were about to exercise sovereign +dominion. They had entered into private treaty with the blind old man who +held the post of chief law-grubber of the Exchequer, offering him a bribe +to pretend illness, and take half his present pay, in order to fasten one +of the young and long-lived leeches--one Sir Frederick Smal-luck--to the +vacant bench. They were about to compel a decentish sort of man, who did +the business of Chancery as well as such business can be done under the +present system, to retire upon half allowance, in order to make room for +one Sir William Fullhat, who had no objection to L14,000 a year and a +peerage. They were about to fill two sub-chancellorships, which they would +not on any account allow the company in the present actual possession of +the estates to fill up with a couple of their own shareholders; and were, +in fine, proceeding to dispose of, by open sale, and by private contract, +the freehold, leasehold, and funded property of plaintiff, to the +incalculable danger of the estate, and to the disregard of decency and +justice. What rendered this assumption and exercise of power the more +intolerable, was, that the persons the most unfit were selected; and as if, +it would appear, from a "hateful love of contraries," the man learned in +law being sent to preside over the business of equity, of which he knew +nothing, and the man learned in equity being entrusted with the direction +of law of which he knew worse than nothing; being obliged to unlearn all he +had previously learnt, before he began to learn his new craft. + +LORD HIGH INQUISITOR.--Don't you know, sir, that _poeta nascitur non fit?_ +Is not a judge a judge the moment he applies himself to the seat of +justice? + +MR. JOBTICKLER.--Most undoubtedly it is so, my lord, as your lordship is a +glorious example, but-- + +LORD HIGH INQUISITOR.--But me no buts, sir. I'll have no allusions made to +my person. What way are the cases on the point you would press on the +court? + +MR. JOBTICKLER.--The cases, I am sorry to say, are all in favour of the +Peel Place-hunting Company's proceedings; but the principle, my lord, the +principle! + +LORD HIGH INQUISITOR.--Principle! What has principle to do with law, Sir? +Really the bar is losing all reverence for authority, all regard for +consistency. I must put a stop to such revolutionary tendencies on the part +of gentlemen who practise in my court. Sit down, sir. + +MR. JOBTICKLER.--May my client have the injunction? + +LORD HIGH INQUISITOR.--No-o-o-o! But he shall pay all the costs, and I only +wish I could double them for his impertinence. You, sir, you deserve to be +stripped of your gown for insulting the ears of the court with such a +motion. + +CRIER.--Any more appeals, causes, or motions, in the Supreme Court of the +Lord High Inquisitor Punch, to-day? (A dead silence.) + +LORD HIGH INQUISITOR (bowing gracefully to the bar).--Good morning, +gentlemen. You behold how carefully we fulfil the letter of Magna Charta. + + "Nulli vendemus, nulli negabimus, aut differemus rectum vel + justitiam." [_Exit._] + +CRIER.--This Court will sit the next time it is the Lord High Inquisitor's +pleasure that it should sit, and at no other period or time.--God save the +Queen! + + * * * * * + + +AN AN-TEA ANACREONTIC.--No. 3. + +[Greek: EIS LYRAN.] + + Apollo! ere the adverse fates + Gave thy lyre to Mr. Yates[2], + I have melted at thy strain + When Bunn reign'd o'er Drury-lane; + For the music of thy strings + Haunts the ear when Romer sings. + But to me _that_ voice is mute! + Tuneless kettle-drum and flute + I but hear _one_ liquid lyre-- + Kettle bubbling on the fire, + Whizzing, fizzing, steaming out + Music from its curved spot, + Wak'ning visions by its song + Of thy nut-brown streams, Souchong; + Lumps of crystal saccharine-- + Liquid pearl distill'd from kine; + Nymphs whose gentle voices mingle + With the silver tea-spoons' jingle! + Symposiarch I o'er all preside, + The Pidding of the fragrant tide. + Such the dreams that fancy brings, + When my tuneful kettle sings! + + [2] This celebrated instrument now crowns the chaste yet elaborate + front of the Adelphi Theatre, where full-length effigies of Mr. + and Mrs. Yates may be seen silently inviting the public to walk + in. + + * * * * * + +AUTHENTIC. + +FROM EBENEZER BEWLEY, OF LONDON, TO HIS FRIEND REUBEN PIM, OF LIVERPOOL. + +7th mo. 29th, 1841. + +Friend Reuben,--I am in rect. of thine of 27th inst., and note contents. It +affordeth me consolation that the brig _Hazard_ hath arrived safely in thy +port--whereof I myself was an underwriter--also, that a man-child hath been +born unto thee and to thy faithful spouse Rebecca. Nevertheless, the house +of Crash and Crackitt hath stopped payment, which hath caused sore +lamentation amongst the faithful, who have discounted their paper. It hath +pleased Providence to raise the price of E.I. sugars; the quotations of +B.P. coffee are likewise improving, in both of which articles I am a large +holder. Yet am I not puffed up with foolish vanity, but have girded myself +round with the girdle of lowliness, even as with the band which is all +round my hat! In token whereof, I offered to hand 20 puncheons of the +former, as [Symbol: profit] margin. + +There are serious ferments and heartburnings amongst the great ones of this +land: and those that sit on the benches called "The Treasury" are become +sore afraid, for he whom men call Lord John Russell hath had notice to +quit. Thereat, the Tories rejoice mightily, and lick their chops for the +fat morsels and the sops in the pan that Robert the son of _Jenny_ hath +promised unto his followers. Nevertheless, tidings have reached me that a +good spec. might be made in Y.C. tallow, whereon I desire thy opinion; as +also on the practice of stuffing roast turkey with green walnuts, which +hath been highly recommended by certain of the brethren here, who have with +long diligence and great anxiety meditated upon the subject. + +And now, I counsel thee, hold fast the change which thou hast, striving +earnestly for that which thou hast not, taking heed especially that no man +comes the "artful" over thee; whereby I caution thee against one Tom +Kitefly of Manchester, whose bills have returned back unto me, clothed with +that unseemly garment which the notary calleth "a protest." Assuredly he is +a viper in the paths of the unwary, and will bewray thee with his fair +speeches; therefore, I say, take heed unto him. + +I remain thy friend, +EBEN. BEWLEY. +Mincing Lane. + + * * * * * + + +TO BAD JOKERS. + +Sir,--Seeing in the first number of your paper an announcement from Mr. +Thomas Hood, that he was in want of a laugher, I beg to offer my services +in that comic capacity, and to hand you my card and certificates of my +cachinnatory powers. + +T.C. + + CARD. + + Mr. Toady Chuckle begs to inform wits, punsters, and jokers in + general that he + + GOES OUT LAUGHING. + + His truly invaluable zest for bad jokes has been patronised by + several popular farce-writers and parliamentary Pasquins. + + Mr. T.C. always has at command smiles for satire, simpers for + repartee, sniggers for conundrums, titters for puns, and guffaws for + jocular anecdotes. By Mr. T.C.'s system, cues for laughter are + rendered unnecessary, as, from a long course of practical + experience, the moment of cachinnation is always judiciously + selected. + + N.B. The worst Jokes laughed at, and rendered successful. Old Joes + made to tell as well as new. + + * * * * * + + + COMIC CREDENTIALS. + + T.R.C.G. + + Sir,--I feel myself bound in justice to you and your invaluable + laughter, as well as to others who may be suffering, as I have + been, with a weakly farce, to inform you of its extraordinary + results in my case. My bantling was given up by all the faculty, + when you were happily shown into the boxes. One laugh removed all + sibillatory indications; a second application of your invaluable + cachinnation elicited slight applause; whilst a third, in the form + of a _guffaw_, rendered it perfectly successful. + + From the prevalence of dulness among dramatic writers, I have no + doubt that your services will be in general requisition. + + I am, yours, very respectfully, + J.R. Planche. + C---- C----. + + + Sir,--I beg to inform you, for the good of other bad jokers, that I + deem the introduction of your truly valuable cachinnation one of + the most important ever made; in proof of which, allow me to state, + that after a joke of mine had proved a failure for weeks, I was + induced to try your cachinnation, by the use of which it met with + unequivocal success; and, I declare, if the cost were five guineas + a _guffaw_, I would not be without it. + + Yours truly, + Charles Delaet Waldo Sibthorp (Colonel). + + * * * * * + + +"MY NAME'S THE DOCTOR"--(_vide_ Peel's Speech at Tamworth.) + +The two doctors, Peel and Russell, who have been so long engaged in +renovating John Bull's "glorious constitution!" though they both adopt the +lowering system at present, differ as to the form of practice to be +pursued. Russell still strenuously advocates his _purge_, while Sir Robert +insists upon the efficacy of _bleeding_. + + "Who shall decide when doctors disagree?" + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH'S INFORMATION FOR THE PEOPLE.--NO. 1. + +BEING A VERY FAMILIAR TREATISE ON ASTRONOMY. + + +Our opinion is, that science cannot be too familiarly dealt with; and +though too much familiarity certainly breeds contempt, we are only +following the fashion of the day, in rendering science somewhat +contemptible, by the strange liberties that publishers of _Penny +Cyclopaedias_, three-halfpenny _Informations_, and twopenny _Stores of +Knowledge_, are prone to take with it. + +In order to show that we intend going at high game, we shall begin with the +stars; and if we do not succeed in levelling the heavens to the very +meanest capacity--even to that of + +[Illustration: AN INFANT IN ARMS--] + +we shall at once give up all claims to the title of an enlightener of the +people. + +Every body knows there are planets in the air, which are called the +_planetary_ system. Every one knows our globe goes upon its axis, and has +two poles, but what is the axis, and what the poles are made of--whether of +wood, or any other material--are matters which, as far as the mass are +concerned, are involved in the greatest possible obscurity. + +The north pole is chiefly remarkable for no one having ever succeeded in +reaching it, though there seems to have been a regular communication to it +by post in the time of Pope, whose lines-- + + "Speed the soft intercourse from zone to zone. + And waft a sigh from Indus _to the pole_," + +imply, without doubt, that packages reached the pole; not, however, without +regard to the _size_ (SIGHS), which may have been limited. + +The sun, every body knows, is very large, and indeed the size has been +ascertained to an inch, though we must say we should like to see the +gentleman who measured it. Astronomers declare there are spots upon it, +which may be the case, unless the _savans_ have been misled by specks of +dirt on the bottom of their telescopes. As these spots are said to +disappear from time to time, we are strongly inclined to think our idea is +the correct one. Some insist that the sun is liquid like water, but if it +were, the probability is, that from its intense heat, the whole must have +boiled away long ago, or put itself out, which is rather more feasible. + +We do not think it necessary to go into the planets, for, if we did, it is +not unlikely we should be some time time before we got out again; but we +shall say a few words about our own Earth, in which our readers must, of +course, take a special interest. + +It has been decided, that, viewed from the moon, our globe presents a +mottled appearance; but, as this assertion can possibly rest on no better +authority than that of the Man in the Moon, we must decline putting the +smallest faith in it. + +It is calculated that a day in the moon lasts just a fortnight, and that +the night is of the same duration. If this be the case, the watchmen in the +moon must be horridly over-worked, and daily labourers must be fatigued in +proportion. When the moon is on the increase, it is seen in the crescent; +but whether Mornington-crescent or Burton-crescent, or any other crescent +in particular, has not been mentioned by either ancient or modern +astronomers. The only articles we get from the moon, are moonlight and +madness. _Lunar_ caustic is not derived from the planet alluded to. + +Of the stars, one of the most brilliant is _Sirius_, or _the Dog-star_, +which it is calculated gives just one-twenty-millionth part of the light of +the sun, or about as much as that of a farthing rushlight. It would seem +that such a shabby degree of brilliancy was hardly worth having; but when +it is remembered that it takes three years to come, it really seems hardly +worth while to travel so far to so very little purpose. + +The most magnificent of the starry phenomena, is the Milky Way or _Whey_; +and, indeed, the epithet seems superfluous, for all _whey_ is to a certain +extent milky. The _Band of Orion_ is familiar to all of us by name; but it +is not a musical band, as most people are inclined to think it is. Perhaps +the allusion to the _music of the spheres_ may have led to this popular +error, as well as to that which regards Orion's _band_ as one of _wind_ +instruments. + +We shall not go into those ingenious calculations that some astronomers +have indulged in, as to the time it would take for a cannon-ball to come +from the sun to the earth, for we really hope the earth will never be +troubled by so unwelcome a visitor. Nor shall we throw out any suggestions +as to how long a bullet would be going from the globe to the moon; for we +do not think any one would be found goose enough to take up his rifle with +the intention of trying the experiment. + +Comets are, at present, though very luminous bodies, involved in +considerable obscurity. Though there is plenty of light in comets, we are +almost entirely in the dark concerning them. All we know about them is, +that they are often coming, but never come, and that, after frightening us +every now and then, by threatening destruction to our earth, they turn +sharp off, all of a sudden, and we see no more of them. Astronomers have +spied at them, learned committees have sat upon them, and old women have +been frightened out of their wits by them; but, notwithstanding all this, +the _comet_ is so utterly mysterious, that "thereby _hangs a tail_" is all +we are prepared to say respecting it. + +We trust the above remarks will have thrown a light on the sun and moon, +illustrated the stars, and furnished a key to the skies in general; but +those who require further information are referred to Messrs. Adams and +Walker, whose plans of the universe, consisting of several yellow spots on +a few yards of black calico, are exactly the things to give the students of +astronomy a full development of those ideas which it has been our aim to +open out to him. + + * * * * * + + +NEW STUFFING FOR THE SPEAKER'S CHAIR. + + "With too much blood and too little brain, these two may run mad; + but if with too much brain and too little blood, they do, I'll be a + curer of madmen."--_Troilus and Cressida_. + + +MR. PETER BORTHWICK and Colonel Sibthorpe are both named as candidates for +the Speaker's chair. Peter has a certificate of being "a _bould_ speaker," +from old Richardson, in whose company he was engaged as parade-clown and +check-taker. The gallant Colonel, however, is decidedly the favourite, +notwithstanding his very ungracious summary of the Whigs some time ago. We +would give one of the buttons off our hump to see + +[Illustration: SIBTHORPE IN THE CHAIR.] + + * * * * * + + +MR. JOSEPH MUGGINS begs to inform his old crony, PUNCH, that the report of +Sir John Pullon, "as to the possibility of elevating an ass to the head of +the poll by bribery and corruption" is perfectly correct, provided there is +no abatement in the price. Let him canvass again, and Mr. J.M. pledges +himself, whatever his weight, if he will only stand "one penny more, up +goes the donkey!" + +[Illustration: CANDIDATE AT THE HEAD OF THE POLE.] + + * * * * * + + +OLD BAILEY. + +Robbed--Melbourne's butcher of his twelvemonth's billings. + +Verdict--Stealing under forty shillings. + + * * * * * + + +LEGAL PUGILISM. + +The Chancery bar has been lately occupied with a question relating to a +patent for pins' heads. The costs are estimated at L5000. The lawyers are +the best boxers, after all. Only let them get a _head in chancery_, even a +_pin's_, and see how they make the proprietor _bleed_. + + * * * * * + + +INQUEST. + +Died, Eagle Rouse--Verdict, _Felo de se_. + +Induced by being ta'en for--Ross, M.P. + + * * * * * + + +RUMBALL THE COMEDIAN. + +When Mr. Rumball was at the Surrey Theatre, the treasurer paid him the +proceeds of a share of a benefit in half-crowns, shillings, and sixpences, +which Rumball boasted that he had carried home on his head. His friends, +from that day, accounted for his _silvery_ hair! + + * * * * * + + +FOREIGN AFFAIRS. + +We beg to invite attention to the aspect of our Foreign Affairs. It is +dark, lowering, gloomy--some would say, alarming. When it smiles, its +smiles deceive. To use the very mildest term, it is exceedingly suspicious. +Let John Bull look to his pockets. + +It is, nevertheless, but a piece of justice to state, that, formidable as +the appearance of Foreign Affairs may be, no blame whatever can, in our +opinion, be attached to Lord Palmerston. + +The truth is, that the Foreign Affairs of PUNCH are not the Foreign Affairs +of Politics. They are certain living beings; and we call them Affairs, by +way of compromise with some naturalists, to whom the respective claims of +man and the ape to their relationship may appear as yet undecided. + +In their anatomical construction they undoubtedly resemble mankind; they +are also endowed with the faculty of speech. Their clothes, moreover, do +not grow upon their backs, although they look very much as if they did. +They come over here in large numbers from other countries, chiefly from +France; and in London abound in Leicester-square, and are constantly to be +met with under the Quadrant in Regent-street, where they grin, gabble, +chatter, and sometimes dance, to the no small diversion of the passengers. + +As these Foreign Affairs have long been the leaders of fashion, and +continue still to give the tone to the manners and sentiments of the +politer circles, where also their language is, perhaps, more frequently +spoken than the vernacular tongue; and as there is something about them--no +matter what--which renders them great favourites with a portion of the +softer sex, we shall endeavour to point out, for the edification of those +who may be disposed to copy them, those peculiarities of person, +deportment, and dress, by which their tribe is distinguished. + +We address ourselves more particularly to those whose animal part--every +man is said to resemble, in some respect, one of the lower animals--is made +up of the marmozet and the puppy. + +Be it known, then, to all those whom it may concern, that there are, to +speak in a general way, two great classes of Foreign Affairs--the shining +and the dingy. + +The characteristic appearance of the former might, perhaps, be obtained by +treating the apparel with a preparation of plumbago or black lead; that of +the latter by the use of some fuliginous substance, as a dye, or, perhaps, +by direct fumigation. The gloss upon the cheeks might be produced by +perseverance in the process of dry-rubbing; the more humid style of visage, +by the application of emollient cataplasms. General sallowness would +result, as a matter of course, from assiduous dissipation. Young gentlemen +thus glazed and varnished, _French_-polished, in fact, from top to toe, +might glitter in the sun like beetles; or adopt, if they preferred it, as +being better adapted for lady-catching, the more sombre guise of the +spider. + +Foreign Affairs have two opposite modes of wearing the hair; we can +recommend both to those studious of elegance. The locks may be suffered to +flow about the shoulders in ringlets, resembling the tendrils of the vine, +by which means much will be done towards softening down the asperities of +sex; or they may be cropped close to the scalp in such a manner as to +impart a becoming prominence to the ears. When the development of those +appendages is more than usually ample, and when nature has given the head a +particularly stiff and erect covering, descending in two lateral +semicircles, and a central point on the forehead, the last mentioned style +is the more appropriate By its adoption, the most will be made of certain +personal, we might almost say generic, advantages;--we shall call it, in +the language of the Foreign Affairs themselves, the _coiffure a-la-singe_. + +Useful hints, with respect to the management of the whiskers, may be +derived from the study of Foreign Affairs. The broad, shorn, smooth extent +of jaw, darkened merely on its denuded surface, and the trimmed regular +fringe surrounding the face, are both, in perhaps equal degrees, worthy of +the attention of the tasteful. The shaggy beard and mustachios, especially, +if aided by the effect of a ferocious scowl, will admirably suit those who +would wish to have an imposing appearance; the chin, with its pointed tuft +_a la capricorne_, will, at all events, ensure distinction from the human +herd; and the decorated upper lip, with its downy growth dyed black, and +gummed (the cheek at the same time having been faintly tinged with rouge, +the locks parted, perfumed, and curled, the waist duly compressed, a slight +addition, if necessary, made to the breadth of the hips, and the feet +confined by the most taper and diminutive _chausserie_ imaginable), will +just serve to give to the _tout ensemble_ that one touch of the masculine +character which, perhaps, it may be well to retain. + +The remarkable tightness and plumpness of limbs and person exhibited by +Foreign Affairs cannot have escaped observation. This attractive quality +may be acquired by purchasing the material out of which the clothes are to +be made, and giving the tailor only just as much as may exactly suffice for +the purpose. Its general effect will be much aided by wearing wristbands +turned up over the cuff, and collars turned down upon the stock. An +agreeable contrast of black and white will thus also be produced. Those who +are fonder of harmony will do well to emulate the closely-buttoned sables +likewise worn by a large class of Foreign Affairs, who, affecting a uniform +tint, eschew the ostentation of linen. + +The diminution of the width of their coat collars, and the increase of the +convexity of their coat tails, an object which, by artificial assistance, +might easily be gained, are measures which we would earnestly press on all +who are ambitious of displaying an especial resemblance to Foreign Affairs. +We also advise them to have lofty, napless, steeple-crowned hats. + +He who would pass for a shining specimen, in every sense of the word, of a +Foreign Affair, should wear varnished boots, which, if composed partly of +striped cloth, or what is much prettier, of silk, will display the ancles +to the better advantage. + +With regard to colours in the matter of costume, the contemplation of +Foreign Affairs will probably induce a preference for black, as being +better suited to the complexion, though it will, at the same time, teach +that the hues of the rainbow are capable, under certain circumstances, of +furnishing useful suggestions. + +It will have been perceived that the Foreign Affairs of which we have been +treating are the Affairs of one particular nation: beside these, however, +there are others; but since all of their characteristics may be acquired by +letting the clothes alone, never interfering with the hair, abstaining from +the practice of ablution, and smoking German pipes about the streets, they +are hardly worth dwelling upon. Those who have light and somewhat shaggy +locks will study such models with the best success. + +Not only the appearance, but the manners also, of Foreign Affairs, may be +copied with signal benefit. Two of their accomplishments will be found +eminently serviceable--the art of looking black, and that of leering. These +physiognomical attainments, exhibited by turns, have a marvellous power of +attracting female eyes--those of them, at least, that have a tendency to +wander abroad. The best way of becoming master of these acquisitions is, to +peruse with attention the features of bravoes and brigands on the one hand, +and those of opera-dancers on the other. The progress of Foreign Affairs +should be attentively watched, as the manner of it is distinguished by a +peculiar grace. This, perhaps, we cannot better teach anyone to catch, than +by telling him to endeavour, in walking, to communicate, at each step, a +lateral motion to his coat tail. The gait of a popular actress, dressed as +a young officer, affords, next to that actually in question, the best +exemplification of our meaning. Habitual dancing before a looking-glass, by +begetting a kind of second nature, which will render the movements almost +instinctive, will be of great assistance in this particular. + +In order to secure that general style and bearing for which Foreign Affairs +are so remarkable, the mind must be carefully divested of divers +incompatible qualities--such as self-respect, the sense of shame, the +reverential instinct, and that of conscience, as certain feelings are +termed. It must also be relieved of any inconvenient weight of knowledge +under which it may labour; though these directions are perhaps needless, as +those who have any inclination to form themselves after the pattern of +Foreign Affairs, are not very likely to have any such moral or intellectual +disqualifications to get rid of. However, it would only be necessary to +become conversant with the Affairs themselves, in order, if requisite, to +remove all difficulties of the sort. "There is a thing," reader, "which +thou hast often heard of, and it is known to many in our land by the name +of pitch;" we need not finish the quotation. + +To defend the preceding observations from misconstruction, we will make, in +conclusion, one additional remark; Foreign _Affairs_ are one thing--Foreign +_Gentlemen_ another. + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH'S PENCILLINGS--No. IV. + +[Illustration: FOREIGN AFFAIRS by (a drawing of an ink bottle)] + + * * * * * + + +THE MINTO-HOUSE MANIFESTO + +Some of our big mothers of the broad-sheet have expressed their surprise +that Lord John Russell should have penned so long an address to the +citizens of London, only the day before his wedding. For ourselves, we +think, it would have augured a far worse compliment to Lady John had he +written it the day after. These gentlemen very properly look upon marriage +as a most awful ceremony, and would, therefore, indirectly compliment the +nerve of a statesman who pens a political manifesto with the torch of Hymen +in his eyes, and the whole house odorous of wedding-cake. In the like +manner have we known the last signature of an unfortunate gentleman, about +to undergo a great public and private change, eulogized for the firmness +and clearness of its letters, with the perfect mastery of the supplementary +flourish. However, what is written is written; whether penned to the +rustling of bridesmaids' satins, or the surplice of the consolatory +ordinary--whether to the anticipated music of a marriage peal, or to the +more solemn accompaniment of the bell of St. Sepulchre's. + +Ha! Lord John, had you only spoken out a little year ago--had you only told +her Majesty's Commons what you told the Livery of London--then, at this +moment, you had been no moribund minister--then had Sir Robert Peel been as +far from St. James's as he has ever been from Chatham. But so it is: the +Whig Ministry, like martyr Trappists, have died rather than open their +mouths. They would not hear the counsel of their friends, and they refused +to _speak out_ to their enemies. They retire from office with, at least, +this distinction--they are henceforth honorary members of the Asylum for +the Deaf and Dumb! + +Again, the Whigs are victims to their inherent sense of politeness--to +their instinctive observance of courtesy towards the Tories. There has been +no bold defiance--no challenge to mortal combat for the cause of public +good; but when Whig has called out Tory, it has been in picked and holiday +phrase-- + + "As if a brother should a brother dare, + To gentle exercise and proof of arms." + +For a long time the people have expected to see "cracked crowns and bloody +noses," and at length, with true John Bull disgust, turned from the ring, +convinced that the Whigs, whatever play they might make, would never go in +and fight. + +But have the Tories been correspondingly courteous? By no means; the +generosity of politeness has been wholly with the Whigs. They, like +frolicsome youths at a carnival, have pelted their antagonists with nothing +harder than sugar-plums--with egg-shells filled with rose-water; while the +Tories have acknowledged such holiday missiles with showers of brickbats, +and eggs _not_ filled with aromatic dew. What was the result? The Tories +increased in confidence and strength with every new assault; whilst the +battered Whigs, from their sheer pusillanimity, became noisome in the +nostrils of the country. + +At length, the loaves and fishes being about to be carried off, the Whigs +speak out: like sulky Master Johnny, who, pouting all dinner-time, with his +finger in his mouth, suddenly finds his tongue when the apple-dumplings are +to be taken from the table. Then does he advance his plate, seize his ivory +knife and fork, put on a look of determined animation, and cry aloud for +plenty of paste, plenty of fruit, and plenty of sugar! And then _Mrs. Tory_ +(it must be confessed a wicked old _Mother Cole_ in her time), with a face +not unlike the countenance of a certain venerable paramour at a baptismal +rite, declares upon her hopes of immortality that the child shall have +nothing of the sort, there being nothing so dangerous to the constitution +as plenty of flour, plenty of fruit, and plenty of sugar. Therefore, there +is a great uproar with Master Johnny: the House, to use a familiar phrase, +is turned out of the windows; the neighbourhood is roused; Master Johnny +rallies his friends about him, that is, all the other boys of _the court_, +and the fight begins. Johnny and his mates make a very good fight, but +certain heavy Buckinghamshire countrymen--fellows of fifty stone--are +brought to the assistance of that screaming beldame _Mother Tory_, and poor +Master Johnny has no other election than to listen to the shouts of triumph +that declare there never shall be plenty of flour, plenty of sugar, or, in +a word, plenty of pudding. + +However, Lord Russell is not discouraged. No; he says "there _shall_ be +cakes and ale, and ginger shall be hot i' the mouth, too!" We only trust +that his Lordship's manifesto is not tinged by those feelings of hope (and +in the case of his lordship we may add, resignation) that animate most men +about to enter wedlock. We trust he does not confound his own anticipations +of happiness with the prospects of the country; for in allusion to the +probable policy of the Tories, he says--"Returned to office--they may adopt +our measures, and submit to the influence of reason." Reason from the +Stanleys--reason from the Goulburns--reason from the Aberdeens! When the +Marquis of Londonderry shall have discovered the longitude, and Colonel +Sibthorp have found out the philosopher's stone, we may then begin to +expect the greater miracle. + +The Whigs, according to Lord Russell's letter, have really done so much +when out of power, and--as he insinuates, are again ready to do so much the +instant they are expelled the Treasury--that for the sake of the country, +it must be a matter of lamentation if ever they get in again. + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH AND SIR JOHN POLLEN. + +Punch, we regret to state, was taken into custody on Monday night at a late +hour, on a warrant, for the purpose of being bound over to keep the peace +towards Sir John Pollen, Bart. The circumstances giving rise to this affair +will be better explained by a perusal of the following correspondence, +which took place between ourselves and Sir John, on the occasion, a copy of +which we subjoin:-- + + +_Wellington Street, July_ 30, 1841. + +SIR,--I have this moment read in the _Morning Chronicle_, the +correspondence between you and Lord William Paget, wherein you are reported +to say, that your recent defeat at the Andover election was effected by +"tampering with some of the smaller voters, who would have voted for _Punch +or any other puppet_;" and that such expressions were not intended to be +_personally offensive_ to Lord William Paget! The members of her Majesty's +puppetry not permitting derogatory conclusions to be drawn at their +expense, I call upon you to state whether the above assertions are correct; +and if so, whether, in the former case, you intended to allude personally +to myself, or my friend Colonel Sibthorp; or, in the latter, to infer that +you considered Lord W. Paget in any way our superior. + +I have the honour to be, Sir, your obedient servant, +PUNCH. + +Sir John Pollen, Bart. + + +_Redenham, July 30, 1841._ + +SIGNOR,--I have just received a note in which you complain of a speech made +by me at Andover. I have sent express for my Lord Wilkshire, and will then +endeavour to recollect what I did say. + +I have the honour to be, your admirer, +JOHN POLLEN. + +To Signor Punch. + + +_White Hart._ + +SIGNOR,--My friend Lord Wilkshire has just arrived. It is his opinion that: +I did use the terms "Punch, or any other puppet;" but I intended them to +have been highly complimentary, as applied to Lord William Paget. + +I have the honour to be, your increased admirer, +JOHN POLLEN. + +To Signor Punch. + + +_Wellington Street._ + +SIR,--I and the Colonel are perfectly satisfied. Yours ever, + +PUNCH + + +_Wellington Street._ + +MY LORD,--It would have afforded me satisfaction to have consulted the +wishes of Sir John Pollen in regard to the publication of this +correspondence. The over-zeal of Sir John's friends have left me no choice +in the matter, I shall print. + +Your obedient servant, +PUNCH. + +Earl of Wilkshire. + + +Thus ended this-- + +[Illustration: CURIOUS CORRESPONDENCE.] + + * * * * * + + +HUMFERY CHEAT-'EM.--(_Vide_ Ainsworth's "Guy Fawkes.") + +A city friend met us the other morning: "Hark 'ee," said he, "Alderman +Humfery has been selling shares of the Blackwall Railway, which were not in +his possession; and when the directors complained, and gave him notice that +they would bring his conduct before a full meeting, inviting him at the +same time to attend, and vindicate or explain his conduct as he best might, +he not only declined to do so, but hurried off to Dublin. Now, I want to +know this," and he took me by the button, "why was Alderman Humfery, when +he ran away to Dublin, like the boy who ripped up his goose which laid +golden eggs?"--We were fain to give it up.--"Because," said he, with a +cruel dig in the ribs, "because he _cut his lucky!_" + + * * * * * + + +THE BOY JONES'S LOG. + +PICKED UP AT SEA. + + +The following interesting narrative of the sufferings of the youth Jones, +whose indefatigable pursuit of knowledge, under the most discouraging +circumstances, has been the cause of his banishment to a distant shore, was +lately picked up at sea, in a sealed bottle, by a homeward-bound East +Indiaman, and since placed in our hands by the captain of the vessel; who +complimented us by saying, he felt such confidence in PUNCH'S honour and +honesty! (these were his very words), that he unhesitatingly confided to +him the precious document, in order that it might be given to the world +without alteration or curtailment. + +We hasten to realise the captain's flattering estimate of our character. + + +_At see, on board the ship Apollo._ + +_June 30._--So soon as the fust aggytation of my mind is woar off, I take +up my pen to put my scentiments on peaper, in hops that my friends as nose +the misfortin wich as oc-_curd_ to me, may think off me wen I'm far a +_whey_. Halass! sir, the wicktim of that crewel blewbeard, Lord Melbun, who +got affeard of my rising poplarity in the Palass, and as sent me to _see_ +for my _peeping_, though, heaven nose, I was acktyated by the pewrest +motiffs in what I did. The reel fax of the case is, I'm a young man of an +ighly cultiwated mind and a very _ink_-wisitive disposition, wich naturally +led me to the use of the _pen_. I ad also bean in the abit of reading "Jak +Sheppard," and I may add, that I O all my eleygant tastes to the perowsal +of that faxinating book. O! wot a noble mind the author of these wollums +must have!--what a frootful inwention and fine feelings he displays!--what +a delicat weal he throws over the piccadillys of his ero, making petty +larceny lovely, and burglarly butiful. + +However, I don't mean now to enter into a reglar crickitism of this +egxtrornary work, but merely to observe, when I read it fust I felt a thust +for literrerry fame spring up in my buzzem; and I thort I should to be an +orthor. Unfortinnet delusion!--that thort has proved my rooin. It was the +_bean_ of my life, and the destroyer of my _pease_. From that moment I +could think of nothink else; I neglekted my wittles and my master, and +wanderd about like a knight-errand-boy who had forgotten his message. Sleap +deserted my lowly pillar, and, like a wachful shepherd, I lay all night +awake amongst my _flocks_. I had got hold of a single idear--it was the +axle of my mind, and, like a wheelbarrow, my head was always turning upon +it. At last I resolved to rite, and I cast my i's about for a subject--they +fell on the Palass! Ear, as my friend Litton Bulwer ses, ear was a field +for genus to sore into;--ear was an area for fillophosy to dive into;--ear +was a truly magnificient and comprehensive desine for a great _nash_-ional +picture! I had got a splendid title, too--not for myself--I've a sole above +such trumperry--but for my book. Boox is like humane beings--a good title +goes a grate way with the crowd:--the one I ad chose for my _shed-oove_, +was "Pencillings in the Palass; or, a Small Voice from the Royal Larder," +with commick illustriations by Fiz or Krokvill. Mr. Bentley wantid to be +engaged as monthly nuss for my expected projeny; and a nother gen'leman, +whose "name" shall be "never heard," offered to go _shears_ with me, if I'd +consent to _cut-uup_ the Cort ladies. "No," ses I, indignantly, "I leave +Cort scandle to my betters--I go on independent principals into the Palass, +and that's more than Lord Melbun, or Sir Robert Peal, or any one of the +insiders or outsiders ever could or ever can say of theirselves. + +That's what I said _then_,--but now I think, what a cussed fool I was. All +my eye-flown bubbles were fated to be busted and melted, like the _wigs_, +"into thin _hair_." + +_Nong port!_ We gets wiser as we gets * * * + +Genteel Reader,--I beg your parding. I'm better now. Bless me, how the ship +waggles! It's reelly hawful; the sailors only laff at it, but I suppose as +they're all _tars_ they don't mind being _pitched_ a little. + +The capting tells me we are now reglarly at see, having just passt the +North 4 land; so, ackording to custom, I begin my journal, or, as +naughtical men call it--to keep my log. + +_12 o'clock._--Wind.--All in my eye. Mate said we had our larburd tax +aboard--never herd of that tax on shore. Told me I should learn to box the +compass--tried, but couldn't do it--so boxt the cabbing boy insted. Capting +several times calld to a man who was steering--"_Port, port_;" but though +he always anserd, "Eye, eye, sir," he didn't bring him a drop. The black +cook fell into the hold on the topp of his hed. Everybody sed he was gone +to Davy Jones's locker; but he warn't, for he soon came to again, drank 1/2 +a pint of rumm, and declared it was-- + +[Illustration: THE REAL BLACK REVIVER.] + +Saw a yung salor sitting on the top of one of the masts--thort of Dibdings +faymos see-song, and asked if he warn't + + "The sweet little cherub that sits up aloft?" + +Man laff'd, and said it wor only Bill Junk clearing the pennant halliards. + +_1 o'clock._--Thort formerly that every sailer wore his pigtale at the back +of his head, like Mr. Tippy Cook--find I labored under a groce +mistake--they all carry their pigtale in their backy-boxes. When I beheld +the sailors working and heaving, and found that I was also beginning to +heave-too, I cuddn't help repeting the varse of the old song--which fitted +my case egsactly:-- + + "There's the capt'n he is our kimmander, + There's the bos'n and all the ship's crew, + There's the married men as well as the single, + Ken-ows what we poor sailors goes through." + +However, I made up my mind not to look inward on my own wose any longer, so +I put my head out of a hole in the side of the ship--and, my wiskers! how +she did whizz along. Saw the white cliffs of Halbion a long way off, wich +brought tiers in my i, thinking of those I had left behind, particular +Sally Martin the young gal I was paying my attentions to, who gave me a +_lock_ of her air when I was a leaving of the _key_. Oh! Lord Melbun, Lord +Melbun! how can you rest in youre 4-post bed at nite, nowing you have broke +the tize of affexion and divided 2 fond arts for hever! This mellancholly +reflexion threw me into a poeticle fitte, and though I was werry uneasy in +my _stommik_, and had nothing to rite on but my _chest_. I threw off as +follows in a few 2nds, and arterards sung it to the well-none hair of +"Willy Reilly:"-- + + Oakum to me[3], ye sailors bold, + Wot plows upon the sea; + To you I mean for to unfold + My mournful histo-ree. + So pay attention to my song, + And quick-el-ly shall appear, + How innocently, all along, + I vos in-weigle-ed here. + + One night, returnin home to bed, + I walk'd through Pim-li-co, + And, twigging of the Palass, sed, + "I'm _Jones_ and _In-i-go_." + But afore I could get out, my boys + Pollise-man 20 A, + He caught me by the corderoys, + And lugged me right a-way. + + My cuss upon Lord Melbun, and + On Jonny Russ-all-so, + That forc'd me from my native land + Across the vaves to go-o-oh. + But all their spiteful arts is wain, + My spirit down to keep; + I hopes I'll soon git back again, + To take another peep. + + [3] The nautical mode of writing--"Oh! come to me."--PRINTER'S + DEVIL. + +_2 o'clock._--Bell rung for all hands to come down to dinner. Thought I +never saw dirtier hands in my life. They call their dinner "a mess" on +broad ship, and a preshious mess it did look--no bread but hard biskit and +plenty of ship's _rolls_, besides biled pork and P-soop--both these +articles seemed rayther queer--felt my stommick growing quear too--got on +deck, and asked where we were--was told we were in the Straits of Dover. I +never was in such dreadful straits in my life--ship leaning very much on +one side, which made me feel like a man + +[Illustration: GOING OFF IN A RAPID DECLINE.] + +_3 o'clock._--Weather getting rather worse than better. Mind very uneasy. +Capting says we shall have plenty of squalls to-night; and I heard him just +now tell the mate to look to the main shrouds, so I spose it's all dickey +with us, and that this log will be my sad epilog. The idear of being made +fish meat was so orrible to my sensitive mind, that I couldn't refrain from +weaping, which made the capting send me down stairs, to vent my sorros in +the cable _tiers_. + +_5 o'clock._--I'm sure we shan't srwive this night, therefore I av +determined to put my heavy log into an M T rum-bottle, and throw it +overbord, in bops it may be pickd up by some pirson who will bare my sad +tail to my dear Sally. And now I conclewd with this short advice:--Let awl +yung men take warning by my crewel fate. Let them avide bad kumpany and +keep out of the Palass; and above all, let them mind their bissnesses on +dri land, and never cast their fortunes on any _main_, like their +unfortinet + +Servant, +THE BOY JONES. + + * * * * * + + +[Illustration] + +THE TWO MACBETHS. + +OR THE HAY MARKET GEMINI. + + O, Gemini- + Crimini! + Nimini- + Pimini + Representatives of the Tartan hero, + Who wildly tear a passion into rags + More ragged than the hags + That round about the cauldron go! + Murderers! who murder Shakspeare so, + That 'stead of murdering sleep, ye do not do it; + But, _vice versa_, send the audience to it. + And, oh!-- + But no-- + Illustrious Mac- + Beth, or -ready, + And thou, small quack, + Of plaudits greedy! + Our pen, deserted by the tuneful Muses, + To write on such a barren theme refuses. + + * * * * * + + + THEATRE ROYAL, DRURY LANE, + POLITICAL PROMENADE AND CONSERVATIVE CONCERTS. + The most splendid night of the season! Friday, the 20th of August. + CAPTAIN ROUS'S NIGHT! + British Champagne and the British Constitution!--The Church, the + State, and Real Turtle! + + The performances will commence with + FISH OUT OF WATER, + Sam Savory--Captain Rous, R.N. + After which, + HIS FIRST CHAMPAGNE; + Which will embrace the whole strength of THE STEWARDS. + In the course of the Evening, the ENLIGHTENED + LICENSED VICTUALLERS, + (Those zealous admirers of _true British spirit_) will parade the + room amid + A GRAND DISPLAY OF ELECTION ACCOUNTS. + + To be followed by a GRAND PANTOMIME, called + HARLEQUIN HUMBUG; + OR, BRAVO ROUS! + OLD GLORY (afterwards Pantaloon) SIR F. BURDETT, + who has kindly offered his services on this occasion. + HARRY HUMBUG (a true British Sailor, afterwards Harlequin), CAPT. ROUS. + DON WHISKERANDOS (afterwards Clown), COL. SIBTHORPE. + The whole to conclude with a grand _melange_ of + HATS, COATS, AND UMBRELLAS. + + TICKETS TO BE HAD AT ANY PRICE. + + Stretchers to be at the doors at half-past 2, and policemen to take + up with their heads towards Bow-street. + + VIVAT REGINA. + + * * * * * + + +THE ADVANTAGES OF ANIMAL MAGNETISM. + +The experiments of M. Delafontaine having again raised an outcry against +this noble science, from the apparent absence of any benefit likely to +arise from it, beyond converting human beings into pincushions and galvanic +dummies. We, who look deeper into things than the generality of the world, +hail it as an inestimable boon to mankind, and proceed at once to answer +the numerous enquirers as to the _cui bono_ of this novel soporific. + +By a judicious application of the mesmeric fluid, the greatest domestic +comfort can be insured at the least possible trouble. The happiest Benedict +is too well aware that ladies will occasionally exercise their tongues in a +way not altogether compatible with marital ideas of quietude. A few passes +of the hand ("in the way of kindness for he who would," &c. _vide_ Tobin) +will now silence the most powerful oral battery; and Tacitus himself might, +with the aid of mesmerism, pitch his study in a milliner's work-room. +Hen-pecked husbands have now other means at their command, to secure quiet, +than their razors and their garters. We have experimentalised upon our +Judy, and find it answer to a miracle. Mrs. Johnson may shut up her +laboratory for American Soothing Syrup; mesmerism is the only panacea for +those morning and evening infantile ebullitions which affectionate mammas +always assign to the teeth, the wind, or a pain in the stomach, and never +to that possible cause, a pain in the temper. Mesmerism is "the real +blessing to mothers," and Elliotson the Mrs. Johnson of the day. We have +tried it upon our Punchininny, and find it superior to our old practice of +throwing him out of the window. + +Lovers, to you it is a boon sent by Cupid. Mammas, who will keep in the +room when your bosoms are bursting with adoration--fathers, who will wake +on the morning of an elopement, when the last trunk and the parrot are +confided to you from the window--bailiffs, who will hunt you up and down +their bailiwick, even to the church-door, though an heiress is depending +upon your character for weekly payments--all are rendered powerless and +unobtrusive by this inexplicable palmistry. Candidates, save your money; +mesmerise your opponents instead of bribing them, and you may become a +patriot by a show of hands. + +These are a few of its social advantages--its political uses are unbounded. +Why not mesmerise the Chinese? and, as for the Chartists, call out +Delafontaine instead of the magistrates--a few mesmeric passes would be an +easy and efficient substitute for the "Riot Act." Then the powers of +_clairvoyance_--the faculty of seeing with their eyes shut--that it gives +to the patient. Mrs. Ratsey, your royal charge might be soothed and +instructed at the same time, by substituting a sheet of PUNCH for the +purple and fine linen of her little Royal Highness's nautilus-shell. + +Lord John Russell, the policy of your wily adversary would no longer be +concealed. Jealous husbands, do you not see a haven of security, for brick +walls may be seen through, and letters read in the pocket of your rival, by +this magnetic telescope? whilst studious young gentleman may place Homer +under their arms, and study Greek without looking at it. + +[Illustration: MESMERISM.] + + * * * * * + + +FASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE. + +The Marquis of Waterford and party visited Vauxhall Gardens on Monday. The +turnpike man on the bridge was much _struck_ by their easy manner of +dealing with their inferiors. + +Alderman Magnay laid the first shell of an oyster grotto one night this +week in the Minories. There was a large party of boys, who, with the worthy +Alderman, repaired to a neighbouring fruit-stall, where the festivity of +the occasion was kept up for several minutes. + +The New Cut was, as usual, a scene of much animation on Saturday last, and +there was rather a more brilliant display than customary of new and elegant +baked-potato stands. The well-known turn-out, with five lanterns and four +apertures for the steam, was the general admiration of the host of +pedestrians who throng the Cut between the hours of eight and twelve on +Saturday. + + * * * * * + + +A BITTER DRAUGHT. + +SIR R. PEEL, in the celebrated medicinal metaphor with which he lately +favoured his constituents at Tamworth, concludes by stating, "that he +really believes he does more than any political physician ever did by +referring to the prescriptions which he offered in 1835 and 1840, and by +saying that he sees no reason to alter them." This is, to carry out the +physical figure, only another version of "_the mixture as before_." We are +afraid there are no hopes of the patient. + +"Why are the Whigs like the toes of a dancing-master?"--"Because they +_must_ be turned out." + +"Why are Colonel Sibthorp and Mr. Peter Borthwick like the covering of the +dancing-master's toes?"--"Because they are a _pair of pumps_." + +"Why are the Whigs and Tories like the scarlet fever and the +measles?"--"Because there's no telling which is the worst." + + * * * * * + + +A HINT TO THE UGLY. + +My uncle Septimus Snagglegrable is no more! Excellent old man! no one knew +his worthiness whilst he was of the living, for every one called him a +scoundrel. + +It is reserved for me to do justice to his memory, and one short sentence +will be sufficient for the purpose--he has left me five thousand pounds! I +have determined that his benevolence shall not want an imitator, and I have +resolved, at a great personal sacrifice, to benefit that portion of my +fellow creatures who are denominated ugly. I am particularly so. My +complexion is a bright snuff-colour; my eyes are grey, and unprotected by +the usual verandahs of eye-lashes; my nose is _retrousse_, and if it has a +bridge, it must be of the suspension order, for it is decidedly concave. I +wish Rennie would turn his attention to the state of numerous noses in the +metropolis. I am sure a lucrative company might he established for the +purpose of erecting bridges to noses that, like my own, have been +unprovided by nature. I should be happy to become a director. _Revenons +nous_--my mouth is decidedly large, and my teeth singularly irregular. My +father was violently opposed to Dr. Jenner's "repeal of the small-pox,"[4] +and would not have me vaccinated; the consequence of which has been that my +chin is full of little dells, thickly studded with dark and stunted +bristles. I have bunions and legs that (as "the right line of beauty's a +curve") are the perfection of symmetry. My poor mother used to lament what +she, in the plenitude of her ignorance, was pleased to denominate my +disadvantages. She knew not the power of genius. To me these--well, I'll +call them _defects_--have been the source of great profit. For years I have +walked about the great metropolis without any known or even conjectural +means of subsistence; my coat has always been without a patch--my linen +without spot! + + [4] Baylis. + +Ugly brothers, I am about to impart to you the secret of my existence! I +have lived by the fine arts--yes, by sitting as + + A model for door-knockers and cherubim for tomb-stones. + +The latter may perhaps surprise you, but the contour of my countenance is +decidedly infantile--for when had a babby a bridge?--and the addition of a +penny trumpet completes the full-blown expression of the light-headed +things known to stone-masons as cherubim. + +But it is to the art of knocker-designing that I flatter myself I have been +of most service. By the elevation of my chin, and the assistance of a long +wig, I can present an excellent resemblance of a lion, with this great +advantage over the real animal--I can vary the expression according to +circumstances-- + + "As mild as milk, or raging as the storm." + +So that nervous single ladies need not be terrified out of their senses +every time they knock at their door, by the grim personification of a Nero +at feeding time; or a tender-hearted poor-law guardian be pestered during +dinner by invitations afforded to the starving poor by the benevolent +expression of his knocker. + +Ugly ones! I have now imparted to you my secret. + + * * * * * + + +ON THE POPULARITY OF MR. CH--S K--N. + + Oh, Mr. Punch! what glorious times + Are these, for humbly gifted mimes; + When, spite of each detracter, + Paternal name and filial love, + Assisted by "the powers above," + Have made C----s K----n an actor! + + "'Tis true," his generous patrons say, + "Of genius he ne'er had a ray; + Yet, all his faults to smother, + The youth inherits, from his sire, + A name which all the world admire, + And dearly loves his mother!" + + Stripp'd of his adventitious aid, + He ne'er ten pounds a week had made; + Yet every Thespian brother + Is now kept down, or put to flight, + While _he_ gets fifty pounds a night, + Because--he loves his mother! + + Though I'm, in heart and soul, a friend + To genuine talent, Heaven forefend + That I should raise a pother, + Because the philanthropic folks + Wink and applaud a pious hoax, + For one who--loves his mother! + + No! Heaven prolong his parent's life + And grant that no untimely strife + May wean them from each other! + For soon he'd find the golden fleece + Slip from his grasp, should he e'er cease + To _keep_ and--love his mother! + + * * * * * + + +A CON. BY COLONEL SIBTHORP. + +Why is a chesnut horse, going at a rapid pace up an inclined plane, like an +individual in white trousers presenting a young lady in book muslin with an +infantine specimen of the canine species?--Because he is giving _a gallop +up_ (a girl a pup). + + * * * * * + + +THE DRAMA. + +ASTLEY'S COMPANY AT THE OLYMPIC. + +The distresses of actors distress nobody but themselves. A tale of woe told +off the stage by a broad comedian, begets little sympathy; and if he is in +the "heavy line," people say he is used to it, and is only acting--playing +off upon you a melancholy joke, that he may judge how it will _tell_ at +night. Thus, when misfortune takes a benefit, charity seldom takes tickets; +for she is always sceptical about the so-called miseries of the most giddy, +volatile, jolly, careless, uncomplaining (where managers and bad parts are +not concerned) vainest, and apparently, happiest possible members of the +community, who are so completely associated with fiction, that they are +hardly believed when telling the truth. _Par exemple_--nothing can be more +true than that Astley's Theatre was burnt down the other day; that the +whole of that large establishment were suddenly thrown out of employ; that +their wardrobes were burnt to rags, their properties reduced to a cinder, +and their means of subsistence roasted in a too rapid fire. True also is +it, that to keep the wolf from their own doors, those of the Olympic have +been opened, where the really dismounted cavalry of Astley's are continuing +their campaign, having appealed to the public to support them. Judging from +the night we were present, that support has been extended with a degree of +lukewarmness which is exactly proportionate to the effect produced by the +appeals of actors when misfortune overtakes them. + +But, besides public sympathy, they put forth other claims for support. The +amusements they offer are of extraordinary merit. The acting of Mr. H. +Widdicomb, of Miss Daly, and Mr. Sidney Forster, was, in the piece we +saw--"The Old House at Home"--full of nature and quiet touches of feeling +scarcely to be met with on any other stage. Still these are qualifications +the "general" do not always appreciate; though they often draw tears, they +seldom draw money. Very well, to meet that deficiency, other and more +popular actors have come forward to offer their aid. Mr. T.P. Cooke has +already done his part, as he always does it, nobly. The same may be said of +Mr. Hammond. When we were present, Mrs. H.L. Grattan and Mr. Balls appeared +in the "Lady of Munster." Mr. Sloan, a popular Irish comedian from the +provinces, has lent a helping hand, by coming out in a new drama. Mr. +Keeley is also announced. + +The pieces we saw were well got up and carefully acted; so that the patrons +of the drama need not dread that, in this instance, the Astleyan-Olympic +actors believe that "charity covers a multitude of sins." They don't care +who sees their faults--the more the better. + + * * * * * + + +"BEHIND THE SCENES." + +When a certain class of persons, whose antipathy to gratis sea-voyages is +by no means remarkable, are overtaken by the police and misfortune; when +the last legal quibble has been raised upon their case and failed; when, +indeed, to use their own elegant phraseology, they are "regularly stumped +and done up;" then--and, to do them justice, not till then--they resort to +confession, and to turning king's evidence against their accomplices. + +This seems to be exactly the case with the drama, which is evidently in the +last stage of decline; the consumption of new subjects having exhausted the +supply. The French has been "taken from" till it has nothing more to give; +the Newgate Calendar no longer affords materials; for an entire dramatic +edition of it might be collected (a valuable hint this for the Syncretic +Society, that desperate association for producing un-actable dramas)--the +very air is exhausted in a theatrical sense; for "life in the clouds" has +been long voted "law;" whilst the play-writing craft have already robbed +the regions below of every spark of poetic fire; devils are decidedly out +of date. In short, and not to mince the matter, as hyenas are said to stave +off starvation by eating their own haunches, so the drama _must_ be on its +last legs, when actors turn king's evidence, and exhibit to the public how +they flirt and quarrel, and eat oysters and drink porter, and scandalise +and make fun--how, in fact, they disport themselves "Behind the Scenes." + +A visit to the English Opera will gratify those of the uninitiated, who are +anxious to get acquainted with the manners and customs of the ladies and +gentlemen of the _corps dramatique_ "at the wing." Otherwise than as a sign +of dramatic destitution, the piece called "Behind the Scenes" is highly +amusing. Mr. Wild's acting displays that happy medium between jocularity +and earnest, which is the perfection of burlesque. Mrs. Selby plays the +"leading lady" without the smallest effort, and invites the first tragedian +to her treat of oysters and beer with considerable _empressement_, though +supposed to be labouring at the time _under_ the stroke of the headsman's +axe. Lastly, it would be an act of injustice to Mr. Selby to pass his +_Spooney Negus_ over in silence. PUNCH has too brotherly an affection for +his fellow-actors, to hide their faults; in the hope that, by shewing them +_veluti in speculum_, they may be amended. In all kindness, therefore, he +entreats Mr. Selby, if he be not bent upon hastening his own ruin, if he +have any regard for the feelings of unoffending audiences, who always +witness the degradation of human nature with pain--he implores him to +provide a substitute for _Negus_. Every actor knows the difference between +portraying imbecility and _being_ silly himself--between puerility, as +characteristic of a part _in posse_, and as being a trait of the performer +_in esse_. To this rule Mr. Selby, in this part, is a melancholy exception; +for he seems utterly ignorant of such a distinction, broad as it is--he is +silly himself, instead of causing silliness in _Spooney_. This is the more +to be regretted, as whoever witnessed, with us, the first piece, saw in Mr. +Selby a respectable representative of an old dandy in "Barnaby Rudge." +Moreover, the same gentleman is, we understand, the adapter of the drama +from Boz's tale. That too proves him to be a clever contriver of +situations, and an ingenious adept with the pen and scissors. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +1, August 7, 1841, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14922.txt or 14922.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/9/2/14922/ + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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