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diff --git a/14922.txt b/14922.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..9ee1f70 --- /dev/null +++ b/14922.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2325 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, +August 7, 1841, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, August 7, 1841 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14922] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 1. + + + +FOR THE WEEK ENDING AUGUST 7, 1841. + + * * * * * + + +THE WIFE-CATCHERS. + +A LEGEND OF MY UNCLE'S BOOTS. + +_In Four Chapters._ + + "His name 'tis proper you should hear, + 'Twas Timothy Thady Mulligin: + And whenever he finish'd his tumbler of punch, + He always wished it full agin." + + +CHAPTER II. + + +[Illustration: Y]"You can have no idea, Jack, how deeply the loss of those +venerated family retainers affected me." + +My uncle paused. I perceived that his eyes were full, and his tumbler +empty; I therefore thought it advisable to divert his sorrow, by reminding +him of our national proverb, "_Iss farr doch na skeal_[1]." + + [1] A drink is better than a story. + +The old man's eyes glistened with pleasure, as he grasped my hand, saying, +"I see, Jack, you are worthy of your name. I was afraid that +school-learning and college would have spoiled your taste for honest +drinking; but the right drop is in you still, my boy. I mentioned," +continued he, resuming the thread of his story, "that my grandfather died, +leaving to his heirs the topped boots, spurs, buckskin-breeches, and red +waistcoat; but it is about the first-mentioned articles I mean especially +to speak, as it was mainly through their respectable appearance that so +many excellent matches and successful negotiations have been concluded by +our family. If one of our cousins was about to wait on his landlord or his +sweetheart, if he meditated taking a farm or a wife, 'the tops' were +instantly brushed up, and put into requisition. Indeed, so fortunate had +they been in all the matrimonial embassies to which they had been attached, +that they acquired the name of 'the wife-catchers,' amongst the young +fellows of our family. Something of the favour they enjoyed in the eyes of +the fair sex should, perhaps, be attributed to the fact, that all the +Duffys were fine strapping fellows, with legs that seemed made for setting +off topped boots to the best advantage. + +"Well, years rolled by; the sons of mothers whose hearts had been won by +the irresistible buckism of Shawn Duffy's boots, grew to maturity, and, in +their turn, furbished up 'the wife-catchers,' when intent upon invading the +affections of other rustic fair ones. At length these invaluable relics +descended to me, as the representative of our family. It was ten years on +last Lady-day since they came into my possession, and I am proud to say, +that during that time the Duffys and 'the wife-catchers' lost nothing of +the reputation they had previously gained, for no less than nineteen +marriages and ninety-six christenings have occurred in our family during +the time. I had every hope, too, that another chalk would have been added +to the matrimonial tally, and that I should have the pleasure of completing +the score before Lent; for, one evening, about four months ago, I received +a note from your cousin Peter, informing me that he intended riding over, +on the following Sunday, to Miss Peggy Haggarty's, for the purpose of +popping the question, and requesting of me the loan of the lucky +'wife-catchers' for the occasion. + +"I need not tell you I was delighted to oblige poor Peter, who is the best +fellow and surest shot in the county, and accordingly took down the boots +from their peg in the hall. Through the negligence of the servant they have +been hung up in a damp state, and had become covered with blue mould. In +order to render them decent and comfortable for Peter, I placed them to dry +inside the fender, opposite the fire; then lighting my pipe, I threw myself +back in my chair, and as the fragrant fumes of the Indian weed curled and +wreathed around my head, with half-closed eyes turned upon the renowned +'wife-catchers,' I indulged in delightful visions of future weddings and +christenings, and recalled, with a sigh, the many pleasant ones I had +witnessed in their company." + +Here my uncle applied the tumbler to his face to conceal his emotion. "I +brought to mind," he continued (ordering; in a parenthesis, another jug of +boiling water), "I brought to mind the first time I had myself sported the +envied 'wife-catchers' at the _pattron_ of Moycullen. I was then as wild a +blade as any in Connaught, and the 'tops' were in the prime of their +beauty. In fact, I am not guilty of flattery or egotism in saying, that the +girl who could then turn up her nose at the boots, or their master, must +have been devilish hard to please. But though the hey-day of our youth had +passed, I consoled myself with the reflection that with the help of the +saints, and a pair of new soles, we might yet hold out to marry and bury +three generations to come. + +"As these anticipations passed through my mind, I was startled by a sudden +rustling near me. I raised my eyes to discover the cause, and fancy my +surprise when I beheld 'the wife-catchers,' by some marvellous power, +suddenly become animated, gradually elongating and altering themselves, +until they assumed the appearance of a couple of tall gentlemen clad in +black, with extremely sallow countenances; and what was still more +extraordinary, though they possessed separate bodies, their actions seemed +to be governed by a single mind. I stared, and doubtless so would you, +Jack, had you been in my place; but my astonishment was at its height, when +the partners, keeping side by side as closely as the Siamese twins, stepped +gracefully over the fender, and taking a seat directly opposite me, +addressed me in a voice broken by an irrepressible chuckle-- + +"'Here we are, old boy. Ugh, ugh, ugh, hoo!' + +"So I perceive, gentlemen," I replied, rather drily. + +"'You look a little alarmed--ugh, ugh, hoo, hoo, hoo!' cried the pair. +'Excuse our laughter--hoo! hoo! hoo! We mean no offence--none whatever. +Ugh, hoo, hoo, hoo! We know we are somewhat changed in appearance.' + +"I assured the transformed 'tops' I was delighted in being honoured with +their company, under any shape; hoped they would make themselves quite at +home, and take a glass with me in the friendly way. The friends shook their +heads simultaneously, declining the offer; and he whom I had hitherto known +as the _right_ foot, said in a grave voice:-- + +"'We feel obliged, sir, but we never take anything but water; moreover, our +business now is to relate to you some of the singular adventures of our +life, convinced, that in your hand they will be given to the world in three +handsome volumes.' + +"My curiosity was instantly awakened, and I drew my chair closer to my +communicative friends, who, stretching out their legs, prepared to commence +their recital." + +"'Hem!' cried the right foot, who appeared to be the spokesman, clearing +his throat and turning to his companion--'hem! which of our adventures +shall I relate first, brother?' + +"'Why,' replied the left foot, after a few moments' reflection, 'I don't +think you can do better than tell our friend the story of Terence Duffy and +the heiress.' + +"'Egad! you're right, brother; that was a droll affair:' and then, +addressing himself to me, he continued, 'You remember your Uncle Terence? A +funny dog he was, and in his young days the very devil for lovemaking and +fighting. Look here,' said the speaker, pointing to a small circular +perforation in his side, which had been neatly patched. 'This mark, which I +shall carry with me to my grave, I received in an affair between your uncle +and Captain Donovan of the North Cork Militia. The captain one day asserted +in the public library at Ballybreesthawn, that a certain Miss Biddy +O'Brannigan had hair red as a carrot. This calumny was not long in reaching +the ears of your Uncle Terence, who prided himself on being the champion of +the _sex_ in general, and of Miss Biddy O'Brannigan in particular. +Accordingly he took the earliest opportunity of demanding from the captain +an apology, and a confession that the lady's locks were a beautiful auburn. +The militia hero, who was too courageous to desert his _colours_, +maintained they were red. The result was a meeting on the daisies at four +o'clock in the morning, when the captain's ball grazed your uncle's leg, +and in return he received a compliment from Terence, in the hip, that +spoiled his dancing for life. + +"'I will not insult your penetration by telling you what I perceive you are +already aware of, that Terence Duffy was the professed admirer of Miss +Biddy. The affair with Captain Donovan raised him materially in her +estimation, and it was whispered that the hand and fortune of the heiress +were destined for her successful champion. There's an old saying, though, +that the best dog don't always catch the hare, as Terence found to his +cost. He had a rival candidate for the affections of Miss Biddy; but such a +rival--however I will not anticipate.'" + + * * * * * + + +SONGS FOR THE SENTIMENTAL, NO. 3. + + + I am thine in _my_ gladness, + I'm thine in _thy_ tears; + My love it can change not + With absence or years. + Were a dungeon thy dwelling, + My home it should be, + For its gloom would be sunshine + If I were with thee. + But the light has no beauty + Of thee, love bereft: + I am thine, and thine only! + _Thine!_--over the left! + Over the left! + + As the wild Arab hails, + On his desolate way, + The palm-tree which tells + Where the cool fountains play, + So thy presence is ever + The herald of bliss, + For there's love in thy smile, + And there's joy in thy kiss. + Thou hast won me--then wear me! + Of thee, love, bereft, + I should fade like a flower, + _Yes!_--over the left! + Over the left! + + * * * * * + + +A gentleman in Mobile has a watch that goes so fast, he is obliged to +calculate a week back to know the time of day. + +A new bass singer has lately appeared at New Orleans, who sings so +remarkably _deep_, it takes nine Kentucky lawyers to understand a single +bar! + + * * * * * + + +A NATURAL DEDUCTION + + Why S--e is long-lived at once appears-- + The ass was always famed for _length of ears_. + + * * * * * + + +WIT WITHOUT MONEY; + +OR, HOW TO LIVE UPON NOTHING. + +BY VAMPYRE HORSELEECH, ESQ. + +"Creation's heir--the world, the world is mine."--GOLDSMITH. + + +Philosophers, moralists, poets, in all ages, have never better pleased +themselves or satisfied their readers than when they have descanted upon, +deplored, and denounced the pernicious influence of money upon the heart +and the understanding. "Filthy lucre"--"so much trash as may be grasped +thus"--"yellow mischief," I know not, or choose not, to recount how many +justly injurious names have been applied to coin by those who knew, because +they had felt, its consequences. Wherefore, I say at once, it is better to +have none on't--to live without it. And yet, now I think better upon that +point, it is well not altogether to discourage its approach. On the +contrary, lay hold upon it, seize it, rescue it from hands which in all +probability would work ruin with it, and resolutely refuse, when it is once +got, to let it go out of your grasp. Let no absurd talk about quittance, +discharge, remuneration, payment, induce the holder to relax from his +inflexible purpose of palm. Pay, like party, is the madness of many for the +gain of a few. + +Unhappily, vile gold, or its representation or equivalent, has been, during +many centuries, the sole medium through which the majority of mankind have +supplied their wants, or ministered to their luxuries. It is high time that +a sage should arise to expound how the discerning few--those who have the +wit and the will (both must concur to the great end) may live--LIVE--not +like him who buys and balances himself by the book of the groveller who +wrote "How to _Live_ upon Fifty Pounds a Year"--(O shame to manhood!)--but +live, I say--"be free and merry"--"laugh and grow fat"--exchange the +courtesies of life--be a pattern of the "minor morals"--and yet: all this +without a doit in bank, bureau, or breeches' pocket. + +I am that sage. Let none deride. Haply, I shall only remind some, but I may +teach many. Those that come to scoff, may perchance go home to prey. + +Let no gentleman of the old school (for whom, indeed, my brief treatise is +not designed) be startled when I advance this proposition: That more +discreditable methods are daily practised by those who live to get money, +than are resorted to by those who without money are nevertheless under the +necessity of living. If this proposition be assented to--as, in truth, I +know not how it can be gainsaid,--nothing need be urged in vindication of +my art of _free_ living. Proceed I then at once. + +Here is a youth of promise--born, like Jaffier, with "elegant desires"--one +who does not agnize a prompt alacrity in carrying burdens--one, rather, who +recognizes a moral and physical unfitness for such, and indeed all other +dorsal and manual operations--one who has been born a Briton, and would +not, therefore, sell his birthright for a mess of pottage; but, on the +contrary, holds that his birthright entitles him to as many messes of +pottage as there may be days to his mortal span, though time's fingers +stretched beyond the distance allotted to extreme Parr or extremest +Jenkins. "Elegant desires" are gratified to the extent I purpose treating +of them, by handsome clothes--comfortable lodgings--good dinners. + +1st. _Of Handsome Clothes._--Here, I confess, I find myself in some +difficulty. The man who knows not how to have his name entered in the +day-book of a tailor, is not one who could derive any benefit from +instruction of mine. He must be a born natural. Why, it comes by instinct. + +2nd. _Of Comfortable Lodgings._--Easily obtained and secured. The easiest +thing in life. But the wit without money must possess very little more of +the former than of the latter, if he do not, even when snugly ensconced in +one splendid suite of apartments, have his eye upon many others; for +landladies are sometimes vexatiously impertinent, and novelty is desirable. +Besides, his departure may be (nay, often is) extremely sudden. When in +quest of apartments, I have found tarnished cards in the windows +preferable. They imply a length of vacancy of the floor, and a consequent +relaxation of those narrow, worldly (some call them prudent) scruples, +which landladies are apt to nourish. Hints of a regular income, payable +four times a year, have their weight; nay, often convert weekly into +quarterly lodgings. Be sure there are no children in your house. They are +vociferous when you would enjoy domestic retirement, and inquisitive when +you take the air. Once (_horresco referens!_) on returning from my +peripatetics, I was accosted with brutally open-mouthed clamour, by my +landlady, who, dragging me in a state of bewilderment into her room, +pointed to numerous specimens of granite, which her "young people" had, in +their unhallowed thirst for knowledge, discovered and drawn from my trunk, +which, by some strange mischance, had been left unlocked! In vain I mumbled +something touching my love of mineralogy, and that a lapidary had offered I +knew not what for my collection. I was compelled to "bundle," as the +idiomatic, but ignorant woman expressed herself. To resume. + +Let not the nervous or sensitive wit imagine that, in a vast metropolis +like London, his chance of securing an appropriate lodging and a confiding +landlady is at all doubtful. He might lodge safe from the past, certain of +the future, till the crash of doom. I shall be met by Ferguson's case. +Ferguson I knew well, and I respected him. But he had a most unfortunate +countenance. It was a very solemn, but by no means a solvent face; and yet +he had a manner with him too, and his language was choice, if not +persuasive. That the matter of his speech was plausible, none ever presumed +to deny. "It is all very well, Mr. Ferguson,"--_that_ was always conceded. +I do not wish to speak ill of the dead; but Ferguson never entered a +lodging without being compelled to pay a fortnight in advance, and always + +[Illustration: EXPECTED TO BE OUT SHORTLY.] + +3rd. _Of Good Dinners._--Wits, like other men, are distinguished by a +variety of tastes and inclinations. Some prefer dining at taverns and +eating-houses; others, more discreet or less daring, love the quiet +security of the private house, with its hospitable inmates, courteous +guests, and no possibility of "bill transactions." I confess when I was +young and inexperienced, wanting that wisdom which I am now happy to +impart, I was a constant frequenter of taverns, eating-houses, +oyster-rooms, and similar places of entertainment. I am old now, and have +been persecuted by a brutal world, and am grown timid. But I was ever a +peaceable man--hated quarrels--never came to words if I could help it. _I +do not recommend the tavern, eating-house, oyster-room system._ These are +the words of wisdom. The waiters at these places are invariably sturdy, +fleet, abusive rascals, who cannot speak and will not listen to reason. To +eat one's dinner, drink a pint of sherry, and then, calling for the bill, +take out one's pocket-book, and post it in its rotation in a neat hand, +informing the waiter the while, that it is a simple debt, and so forth; +this really requires nerve. Great spirits only are equal to it. It is an +innovation upon old, established forms, however absurd--and innovators +bring down upon themselves much obloquy. To run from the score you have run +up--not to pay your shot, but to shoot from payment--this is not always +safe, and invariably spoils digestion. No; it is not more honourable--far +from it--but it is better; for you should strive to become, what is +commonly called--"A Diner Out"--that is to say, one who continues to sit +at the private tables of other men every day of his life, and by his so +potent art, succeeds in making them believe that they are very much +obliged to him. + +How to be this thing--this "Diner Out"--I shall teach you, by a few short +rules next week. Till then--farewell! + + * * * * * + + +Lord William Paget has applied to the Lord Chancellor, to inquire whether +the word "jackass" is not opprobrious and actionable. His lordship says, +"No, decidedly, in this case only synonymous." + + * * * * * + + +THE POLITICAL QUACK. + +Sir Robert Peel has convinced us of one thing by his Tamworth speech, that +whatever danger the constitution may be in, he will not proscribe for the +patient until he is _regularly called in_. A beautiful specimen of the old +Tory leaven. Sir Robert objects to give _Advice gratis_. + + * * * * * + + +TO FANCY BUILDERS AND CAPITALISTS. + +A large assortment of peculiarly fine oyster-shells, warranted fire-proof +and of first-rate quality; exquisitely adapted for the construction of +grottoes. May be seen by cards only, to be procured of Mr. George Robins, +or the clerks of Billingsgate or Hungerfofd markets. + +N.B.--Some splendid ground at the corners of popular and well-frequented +streets, to be let on short leases for edifices of the above description. +Apply as before. + + * * * * * + + +LITERARY RECIPES. + + +The following invaluable literary recipes have been most kindly forwarded +by the celebrated Ude. They are the produce of many years' intense study, +and, we must say, the very best things of the sort we have ever met with. +There is much delicacy in M. Ude leaving it to us, as to whether the +communication should be anonymous. We think not, as the peculiarity of the +style would at once establish the talented authorship, and, therefore, +attempted concealment would be considered as the result of a too morbidly +modest feeling. + + +HOW TO COOK UP A FASHIONABLE NOVEL. + +Take a consummate puppy--M.P.s preferable (as they are generally the +softest, and don't require much pressing)--baste with self-conceit--stuff +with slang--season with maudlin sentiment--hash up with a popular +publisher--simmer down with preparatory advertisements. Add six reams of +gilt-edged paper--grate in a thousand quills--garnish with marble covers, +and morocco backs and corners. Stir up with magazine puffs--skim off +sufficient for preface. Shred scraps of French and small-talk, very fine. +Add "superfine coats"--"satin stocks"--"bouquets"--"opera-boxes"--"a +duel"--an elopement--St. George's Church--silver bride favours--eight +footmen--four postilions--the like number of horses--a "dredger" of +smiles--some filtered tears--half-mourning for a dead uncle (the better if +he has a twitch in his nose), and serve with anything that will bear +"_frittering_." + + +A SENTIMENTAL DITTO. + +(_By the same Author._) + +Take a young lady--dress her in blue ribbons--sprinkle with innocence, +spring flowers, and primroses. Procure a Baronet (a Lord if in season); if +not, a depraved "younger son"--trim him with ecarte, rouge et noir, Epsom, +Derby, and a slice of Crockford's. Work up with rustic cottage, an aged +father, blind mother, and little brothers and sisters in brown holland +pinafores. Introduce mock abduction--strong dose of virtue and repentance. +Serve up with village church--happy parent--delighted daughter--reformed +rake--blissful brothers--syren sisters--and perfect _denouement_. + +N.B. Season with perspective christening and postponed epitaph. + + +A STARTLING ROMANCE. + +Take a small boy, charity, factory, carpenter's apprentice, or otherwise, +as occasion may serve--stew him well down in vice--garnish largely with +oaths and flash songs--boil him in a cauldron of crime and improbabilities. +Season equally with good and bad qualities--infuse petty larceny, +affection, benevolence, and burglary, honour and housebreaking, amiability +and arson--boil all gently. Stew down a mad mother--a gang of +robbers--several pistols--a bloody knife. Serve up with a couple of +murders--and season with a hanging-match. + +N.B. Alter the ingredients to a beadle and a workhouse--the scenes may be +the same, but the whole flavour of vice will be lost, and the boy will turn +out a perfect pattern.--Strongly recommended for weak stomachs. + + +AN HISTORICAL DITTO. + +Take a young man six feet high--mix up with a horse--draw a squire from his +father's estate (the broad-shouldered and loquacious are the best +sort)--prepare both for potting (that is, exporting). When abroad, +introduce a well-pounded Saracen--a foreign princess--stew down a couple of +dwarfs and a conquered giant--fill two sauce-tureens with a prodigious +ransom. Garnish with garlands and dead Turks. Serve up with a royal +marriage and cloth of gold. + + +A NARRATIVE. + +Take a distant village--follow with high-road--introduce and boil down +pedlar, gut his pack, and cut his throat--hang him up by the heels--when +enough, let his brother cut him down--get both into a stew--pepper the real +murderer--grill the innocent for a short time--then take them off, and put +delinquents in their place (these can scarcely be broiled too much, and a +strong fire is particularly recommended). When real perpetrators are +_done_, all is complete. + +If the parties have been poor, serve up with mint sauce, and the name of +the enriched sufferer. + + +BIOGRAPHY OF KINGS. + +Lay in a large stock of "gammon" and pennyroyal--carefully strip and pare +all the tainted parts away, when this can be done without destroying the +whole--wrap it up in printed paper, containing all possible virtues--baste +with flattery, stuff with adulation, garnish with fictitious attributes, +and a strong infusion of sycophancy. + +Serve up to prepared courtiers, who have been previously well seasoned with +long-received pensions or sinecures. + + +DRAMATIC RECIPES. + +FOR THE ADELPHI.--VERY FINE! + +Take a beautiful and highly-accomplished young female, imbued with every +virtue, but slightly addicted to bigamy! Let her stew through the first act +as the bride of a condemned convict--then season with a benevolent but very +ignorant lover--add a marriage. Stir up with a gentleman in dusty boots and +large whiskers. _Dredge_ in a meeting, and baste with the knowledge of the +dusty boot proprietor being her husband. Let this steam for some time; +during which, prepare, as a covering, a pair of pistols--carefully insert +the bullet in the head of him of the dusty boots. Dessert--general offering +of LADIES' FINGERS! Serve up with red fire and tableaux. + + +FOR MESSRS. MACREADY AND CHARLES KEAN. + +Take an enormous hero--work him up with improbabilities--dress him in +spangles and a long train--disguise his head as much as possible, as the +great beauty of this dish is to avoid any resemblance to the "_tete de veau +au naturel_." + +[Illustration: A TETE A TETE.] + +Grill him for three acts. When well worked up, add a murder or large dose +of innocence (according to the palate of the guests)--Season, with a strong +infusion of claqueurs and box orders. Serve up with twelve-sheet posters, +and imaginary Shaksperian announcements. + +N.B. Be careful, in cooking the heroes, not to turn their backs _to the +front range_--should you do so the dish will be spoiled. + + +FOR THE ROYAL VIC. + +(_A Domestic Sketch._) + +Take a young woman--give her six pounds a year--work up her father and +mother into a viscous paste--bind all with an abandoned poacher--throw in a +"dust of virtue," and a "handful of vice." When the poacher is about to +boil over, put him into another saucepan, let him simmer for some time, and +then he will turn out "lord of the manor," and marry the young woman. Serve +up with bludgeons, handcuffs, a sentimental gaoler, and a large tureen of +innocence preserved. + + +FOR THE SURREY NAUTICAL. + +Take a big man with a loud voice, dress him with a pair of ducks, and, if +pork is comeatable, a pigtail--stuff his jaws with an imitation quid, and +his mouth with a large assortment of _dammes_. Garnish with two +broad-swords and a hornpipe. Boil down a press-gang and six or seven +smugglers, and (if in season) a bo'swain and large +cat-o'-nine-tails.--Sprinkle the dish with two lieutenants, four +midshipmen, and about seven or eight common sailors. Serve up with a pair +of epaulettes and an admiral in a white wig, silk stockings, smalls, and +the Mutiny Act. + + * * * * * + + +OUR CITY ARTICLE. + +We have no arrivals to-day, but are looking out anxiously for the overland +mail from Battersea. It is expected that news will be brought of the state +of the mushroom market, and great inconvenience in the mean time is felt by +the dealers, who are holding all they have got, in the anticipation of a +fall; while commodities are, of course, every moment getting heavier. + +The London and Westminster steam-boat _Tulip_, with letters from Milbank, +was planted in the mud off Westminster for several hours, and those who +looked for the correspondence, had to look much longer than could have been +agreeable. + +The egg market has been in a very unsettled state all the week; and we have +heard whispers of a large breakage in one of the wholesale houses. This is +caused by the dead weight of the packing-cases, to which every house in the +trade is liable. In the fruit market, there is positively nothing doing; +and the _growers_, who are every day becoming _less_, complain bitterly. +Raspberries were very slack, at 2-1/2d. per pottle; but dry goods still +brought their prices. We have heard of several severe smashes in currants, +and the bakers, who, it is said, generally contrive to get a finger in the +pie, are among the sufferers. + +The salmon trade is, for the most part, in a pickle; but we should regret +to say anything that might be misinterpreted. The periwinkle and wilk +interest has sustained a severe shock; but potatoes continue to be _done_ +much as usual. + + * * * * * + +TO SIR F--S B--T. + + "A dinner is to be given to Captain Rous on the 20th inst., at + which Sir Francis Burdett has promised to preside."--_Morning + Paper._ + + Egyptian revels often boast a guest + In sparkling robes and blooming chaplets drest; + But, oh! what loathsomeness is hid beneath-- + A fleshless, mould'ring effigy of death; + A thing to check the smile and wake the sigh, + With thoughts that living excellence can die. + How many at the coming feast will see + THE SKELETON OF HONOURED WORTH IN THEE! + + * * * * * + + +SUPREME: COURT OF THE LORD HIGH INQUISITOR PUNCH. + + "Laselato ogni speranza, voi ch' intrate!" + +JOHN BULL _v._ THE PEEL PLACE-HUNTING COMPANY. + +MR. JOBTICKLER said he had to move in this cause for an injunction to +restrain the Peel Place-hunting Company from entering into possession of +the estates of plaintiff. It appeared from the affidavits on which he +moved, that the defendants, though not in actual possession, laid an +equitable claim to the fee simple of the large estates rightfully belonging +to the plaintiff, over which they were about to exercise sovereign +dominion. They had entered into private treaty with the blind old man who +held the post of chief law-grubber of the Exchequer, offering him a bribe +to pretend illness, and take half his present pay, in order to fasten one +of the young and long-lived leeches--one Sir Frederick Smal-luck--to the +vacant bench. They were about to compel a decentish sort of man, who did +the business of Chancery as well as such business can be done under the +present system, to retire upon half allowance, in order to make room for +one Sir William Fullhat, who had no objection to L14,000 a year and a +peerage. They were about to fill two sub-chancellorships, which they would +not on any account allow the company in the present actual possession of +the estates to fill up with a couple of their own shareholders; and were, +in fine, proceeding to dispose of, by open sale, and by private contract, +the freehold, leasehold, and funded property of plaintiff, to the +incalculable danger of the estate, and to the disregard of decency and +justice. What rendered this assumption and exercise of power the more +intolerable, was, that the persons the most unfit were selected; and as if, +it would appear, from a "hateful love of contraries," the man learned in +law being sent to preside over the business of equity, of which he knew +nothing, and the man learned in equity being entrusted with the direction +of law of which he knew worse than nothing; being obliged to unlearn all he +had previously learnt, before he began to learn his new craft. + +LORD HIGH INQUISITOR.--Don't you know, sir, that _poeta nascitur non fit?_ +Is not a judge a judge the moment he applies himself to the seat of +justice? + +MR. JOBTICKLER.--Most undoubtedly it is so, my lord, as your lordship is a +glorious example, but-- + +LORD HIGH INQUISITOR.--But me no buts, sir. I'll have no allusions made to +my person. What way are the cases on the point you would press on the +court? + +MR. JOBTICKLER.--The cases, I am sorry to say, are all in favour of the +Peel Place-hunting Company's proceedings; but the principle, my lord, the +principle! + +LORD HIGH INQUISITOR.--Principle! What has principle to do with law, Sir? +Really the bar is losing all reverence for authority, all regard for +consistency. I must put a stop to such revolutionary tendencies on the part +of gentlemen who practise in my court. Sit down, sir. + +MR. JOBTICKLER.--May my client have the injunction? + +LORD HIGH INQUISITOR.--No-o-o-o! But he shall pay all the costs, and I only +wish I could double them for his impertinence. You, sir, you deserve to be +stripped of your gown for insulting the ears of the court with such a +motion. + +CRIER.--Any more appeals, causes, or motions, in the Supreme Court of the +Lord High Inquisitor Punch, to-day? (A dead silence.) + +LORD HIGH INQUISITOR (bowing gracefully to the bar).--Good morning, +gentlemen. You behold how carefully we fulfil the letter of Magna Charta. + + "Nulli vendemus, nulli negabimus, aut differemus rectum vel + justitiam." [_Exit._] + +CRIER.--This Court will sit the next time it is the Lord High Inquisitor's +pleasure that it should sit, and at no other period or time.--God save the +Queen! + + * * * * * + + +AN AN-TEA ANACREONTIC.--No. 3. + +[Greek: EIS LYRAN.] + + Apollo! ere the adverse fates + Gave thy lyre to Mr. Yates[2], + I have melted at thy strain + When Bunn reign'd o'er Drury-lane; + For the music of thy strings + Haunts the ear when Romer sings. + But to me _that_ voice is mute! + Tuneless kettle-drum and flute + I but hear _one_ liquid lyre-- + Kettle bubbling on the fire, + Whizzing, fizzing, steaming out + Music from its curved spot, + Wak'ning visions by its song + Of thy nut-brown streams, Souchong; + Lumps of crystal saccharine-- + Liquid pearl distill'd from kine; + Nymphs whose gentle voices mingle + With the silver tea-spoons' jingle! + Symposiarch I o'er all preside, + The Pidding of the fragrant tide. + Such the dreams that fancy brings, + When my tuneful kettle sings! + + [2] This celebrated instrument now crowns the chaste yet elaborate + front of the Adelphi Theatre, where full-length effigies of Mr. + and Mrs. Yates may be seen silently inviting the public to walk + in. + + * * * * * + +AUTHENTIC. + +FROM EBENEZER BEWLEY, OF LONDON, TO HIS FRIEND REUBEN PIM, OF LIVERPOOL. + +7th mo. 29th, 1841. + +Friend Reuben,--I am in rect. of thine of 27th inst., and note contents. It +affordeth me consolation that the brig _Hazard_ hath arrived safely in thy +port--whereof I myself was an underwriter--also, that a man-child hath been +born unto thee and to thy faithful spouse Rebecca. Nevertheless, the house +of Crash and Crackitt hath stopped payment, which hath caused sore +lamentation amongst the faithful, who have discounted their paper. It hath +pleased Providence to raise the price of E.I. sugars; the quotations of +B.P. coffee are likewise improving, in both of which articles I am a large +holder. Yet am I not puffed up with foolish vanity, but have girded myself +round with the girdle of lowliness, even as with the band which is all +round my hat! In token whereof, I offered to hand 20 puncheons of the +former, as [Symbol: profit] margin. + +There are serious ferments and heartburnings amongst the great ones of this +land: and those that sit on the benches called "The Treasury" are become +sore afraid, for he whom men call Lord John Russell hath had notice to +quit. Thereat, the Tories rejoice mightily, and lick their chops for the +fat morsels and the sops in the pan that Robert the son of _Jenny_ hath +promised unto his followers. Nevertheless, tidings have reached me that a +good spec. might be made in Y.C. tallow, whereon I desire thy opinion; as +also on the practice of stuffing roast turkey with green walnuts, which +hath been highly recommended by certain of the brethren here, who have with +long diligence and great anxiety meditated upon the subject. + +And now, I counsel thee, hold fast the change which thou hast, striving +earnestly for that which thou hast not, taking heed especially that no man +comes the "artful" over thee; whereby I caution thee against one Tom +Kitefly of Manchester, whose bills have returned back unto me, clothed with +that unseemly garment which the notary calleth "a protest." Assuredly he is +a viper in the paths of the unwary, and will bewray thee with his fair +speeches; therefore, I say, take heed unto him. + +I remain thy friend, +EBEN. BEWLEY. +Mincing Lane. + + * * * * * + + +TO BAD JOKERS. + +Sir,--Seeing in the first number of your paper an announcement from Mr. +Thomas Hood, that he was in want of a laugher, I beg to offer my services +in that comic capacity, and to hand you my card and certificates of my +cachinnatory powers. + +T.C. + + CARD. + + Mr. Toady Chuckle begs to inform wits, punsters, and jokers in + general that he + + GOES OUT LAUGHING. + + His truly invaluable zest for bad jokes has been patronised by + several popular farce-writers and parliamentary Pasquins. + + Mr. T.C. always has at command smiles for satire, simpers for + repartee, sniggers for conundrums, titters for puns, and guffaws for + jocular anecdotes. By Mr. T.C.'s system, cues for laughter are + rendered unnecessary, as, from a long course of practical + experience, the moment of cachinnation is always judiciously + selected. + + N.B. The worst Jokes laughed at, and rendered successful. Old Joes + made to tell as well as new. + + * * * * * + + + COMIC CREDENTIALS. + + T.R.C.G. + + Sir,--I feel myself bound in justice to you and your invaluable + laughter, as well as to others who may be suffering, as I have + been, with a weakly farce, to inform you of its extraordinary + results in my case. My bantling was given up by all the faculty, + when you were happily shown into the boxes. One laugh removed all + sibillatory indications; a second application of your invaluable + cachinnation elicited slight applause; whilst a third, in the form + of a _guffaw_, rendered it perfectly successful. + + From the prevalence of dulness among dramatic writers, I have no + doubt that your services will be in general requisition. + + I am, yours, very respectfully, + J.R. Planche. + C---- C----. + + + Sir,--I beg to inform you, for the good of other bad jokers, that I + deem the introduction of your truly valuable cachinnation one of + the most important ever made; in proof of which, allow me to state, + that after a joke of mine had proved a failure for weeks, I was + induced to try your cachinnation, by the use of which it met with + unequivocal success; and, I declare, if the cost were five guineas + a _guffaw_, I would not be without it. + + Yours truly, + Charles Delaet Waldo Sibthorp (Colonel). + + * * * * * + + +"MY NAME'S THE DOCTOR"--(_vide_ Peel's Speech at Tamworth.) + +The two doctors, Peel and Russell, who have been so long engaged in +renovating John Bull's "glorious constitution!" though they both adopt the +lowering system at present, differ as to the form of practice to be +pursued. Russell still strenuously advocates his _purge_, while Sir Robert +insists upon the efficacy of _bleeding_. + + "Who shall decide when doctors disagree?" + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH'S INFORMATION FOR THE PEOPLE.--NO. 1. + +BEING A VERY FAMILIAR TREATISE ON ASTRONOMY. + + +Our opinion is, that science cannot be too familiarly dealt with; and +though too much familiarity certainly breeds contempt, we are only +following the fashion of the day, in rendering science somewhat +contemptible, by the strange liberties that publishers of _Penny +Cyclopaedias_, three-halfpenny _Informations_, and twopenny _Stores of +Knowledge_, are prone to take with it. + +In order to show that we intend going at high game, we shall begin with the +stars; and if we do not succeed in levelling the heavens to the very +meanest capacity--even to that of + +[Illustration: AN INFANT IN ARMS--] + +we shall at once give up all claims to the title of an enlightener of the +people. + +Every body knows there are planets in the air, which are called the +_planetary_ system. Every one knows our globe goes upon its axis, and has +two poles, but what is the axis, and what the poles are made of--whether of +wood, or any other material--are matters which, as far as the mass are +concerned, are involved in the greatest possible obscurity. + +The north pole is chiefly remarkable for no one having ever succeeded in +reaching it, though there seems to have been a regular communication to it +by post in the time of Pope, whose lines-- + + "Speed the soft intercourse from zone to zone. + And waft a sigh from Indus _to the pole_," + +imply, without doubt, that packages reached the pole; not, however, without +regard to the _size_ (SIGHS), which may have been limited. + +The sun, every body knows, is very large, and indeed the size has been +ascertained to an inch, though we must say we should like to see the +gentleman who measured it. Astronomers declare there are spots upon it, +which may be the case, unless the _savans_ have been misled by specks of +dirt on the bottom of their telescopes. As these spots are said to +disappear from time to time, we are strongly inclined to think our idea is +the correct one. Some insist that the sun is liquid like water, but if it +were, the probability is, that from its intense heat, the whole must have +boiled away long ago, or put itself out, which is rather more feasible. + +We do not think it necessary to go into the planets, for, if we did, it is +not unlikely we should be some time time before we got out again; but we +shall say a few words about our own Earth, in which our readers must, of +course, take a special interest. + +It has been decided, that, viewed from the moon, our globe presents a +mottled appearance; but, as this assertion can possibly rest on no better +authority than that of the Man in the Moon, we must decline putting the +smallest faith in it. + +It is calculated that a day in the moon lasts just a fortnight, and that +the night is of the same duration. If this be the case, the watchmen in the +moon must be horridly over-worked, and daily labourers must be fatigued in +proportion. When the moon is on the increase, it is seen in the crescent; +but whether Mornington-crescent or Burton-crescent, or any other crescent +in particular, has not been mentioned by either ancient or modern +astronomers. The only articles we get from the moon, are moonlight and +madness. _Lunar_ caustic is not derived from the planet alluded to. + +Of the stars, one of the most brilliant is _Sirius_, or _the Dog-star_, +which it is calculated gives just one-twenty-millionth part of the light of +the sun, or about as much as that of a farthing rushlight. It would seem +that such a shabby degree of brilliancy was hardly worth having; but when +it is remembered that it takes three years to come, it really seems hardly +worth while to travel so far to so very little purpose. + +The most magnificent of the starry phenomena, is the Milky Way or _Whey_; +and, indeed, the epithet seems superfluous, for all _whey_ is to a certain +extent milky. The _Band of Orion_ is familiar to all of us by name; but it +is not a musical band, as most people are inclined to think it is. Perhaps +the allusion to the _music of the spheres_ may have led to this popular +error, as well as to that which regards Orion's _band_ as one of _wind_ +instruments. + +We shall not go into those ingenious calculations that some astronomers +have indulged in, as to the time it would take for a cannon-ball to come +from the sun to the earth, for we really hope the earth will never be +troubled by so unwelcome a visitor. Nor shall we throw out any suggestions +as to how long a bullet would be going from the globe to the moon; for we +do not think any one would be found goose enough to take up his rifle with +the intention of trying the experiment. + +Comets are, at present, though very luminous bodies, involved in +considerable obscurity. Though there is plenty of light in comets, we are +almost entirely in the dark concerning them. All we know about them is, +that they are often coming, but never come, and that, after frightening us +every now and then, by threatening destruction to our earth, they turn +sharp off, all of a sudden, and we see no more of them. Astronomers have +spied at them, learned committees have sat upon them, and old women have +been frightened out of their wits by them; but, notwithstanding all this, +the _comet_ is so utterly mysterious, that "thereby _hangs a tail_" is all +we are prepared to say respecting it. + +We trust the above remarks will have thrown a light on the sun and moon, +illustrated the stars, and furnished a key to the skies in general; but +those who require further information are referred to Messrs. Adams and +Walker, whose plans of the universe, consisting of several yellow spots on +a few yards of black calico, are exactly the things to give the students of +astronomy a full development of those ideas which it has been our aim to +open out to him. + + * * * * * + + +NEW STUFFING FOR THE SPEAKER'S CHAIR. + + "With too much blood and too little brain, these two may run mad; + but if with too much brain and too little blood, they do, I'll be a + curer of madmen."--_Troilus and Cressida_. + + +MR. PETER BORTHWICK and Colonel Sibthorpe are both named as candidates for +the Speaker's chair. Peter has a certificate of being "a _bould_ speaker," +from old Richardson, in whose company he was engaged as parade-clown and +check-taker. The gallant Colonel, however, is decidedly the favourite, +notwithstanding his very ungracious summary of the Whigs some time ago. We +would give one of the buttons off our hump to see + +[Illustration: SIBTHORPE IN THE CHAIR.] + + * * * * * + + +MR. JOSEPH MUGGINS begs to inform his old crony, PUNCH, that the report of +Sir John Pullon, "as to the possibility of elevating an ass to the head of +the poll by bribery and corruption" is perfectly correct, provided there is +no abatement in the price. Let him canvass again, and Mr. J.M. pledges +himself, whatever his weight, if he will only stand "one penny more, up +goes the donkey!" + +[Illustration: CANDIDATE AT THE HEAD OF THE POLE.] + + * * * * * + + +OLD BAILEY. + +Robbed--Melbourne's butcher of his twelvemonth's billings. + +Verdict--Stealing under forty shillings. + + * * * * * + + +LEGAL PUGILISM. + +The Chancery bar has been lately occupied with a question relating to a +patent for pins' heads. The costs are estimated at L5000. The lawyers are +the best boxers, after all. Only let them get a _head in chancery_, even a +_pin's_, and see how they make the proprietor _bleed_. + + * * * * * + + +INQUEST. + +Died, Eagle Rouse--Verdict, _Felo de se_. + +Induced by being ta'en for--Ross, M.P. + + * * * * * + + +RUMBALL THE COMEDIAN. + +When Mr. Rumball was at the Surrey Theatre, the treasurer paid him the +proceeds of a share of a benefit in half-crowns, shillings, and sixpences, +which Rumball boasted that he had carried home on his head. His friends, +from that day, accounted for his _silvery_ hair! + + * * * * * + + +FOREIGN AFFAIRS. + +We beg to invite attention to the aspect of our Foreign Affairs. It is +dark, lowering, gloomy--some would say, alarming. When it smiles, its +smiles deceive. To use the very mildest term, it is exceedingly suspicious. +Let John Bull look to his pockets. + +It is, nevertheless, but a piece of justice to state, that, formidable as +the appearance of Foreign Affairs may be, no blame whatever can, in our +opinion, be attached to Lord Palmerston. + +The truth is, that the Foreign Affairs of PUNCH are not the Foreign Affairs +of Politics. They are certain living beings; and we call them Affairs, by +way of compromise with some naturalists, to whom the respective claims of +man and the ape to their relationship may appear as yet undecided. + +In their anatomical construction they undoubtedly resemble mankind; they +are also endowed with the faculty of speech. Their clothes, moreover, do +not grow upon their backs, although they look very much as if they did. +They come over here in large numbers from other countries, chiefly from +France; and in London abound in Leicester-square, and are constantly to be +met with under the Quadrant in Regent-street, where they grin, gabble, +chatter, and sometimes dance, to the no small diversion of the passengers. + +As these Foreign Affairs have long been the leaders of fashion, and +continue still to give the tone to the manners and sentiments of the +politer circles, where also their language is, perhaps, more frequently +spoken than the vernacular tongue; and as there is something about them--no +matter what--which renders them great favourites with a portion of the +softer sex, we shall endeavour to point out, for the edification of those +who may be disposed to copy them, those peculiarities of person, +deportment, and dress, by which their tribe is distinguished. + +We address ourselves more particularly to those whose animal part--every +man is said to resemble, in some respect, one of the lower animals--is made +up of the marmozet and the puppy. + +Be it known, then, to all those whom it may concern, that there are, to +speak in a general way, two great classes of Foreign Affairs--the shining +and the dingy. + +The characteristic appearance of the former might, perhaps, be obtained by +treating the apparel with a preparation of plumbago or black lead; that of +the latter by the use of some fuliginous substance, as a dye, or, perhaps, +by direct fumigation. The gloss upon the cheeks might be produced by +perseverance in the process of dry-rubbing; the more humid style of visage, +by the application of emollient cataplasms. General sallowness would +result, as a matter of course, from assiduous dissipation. Young gentlemen +thus glazed and varnished, _French_-polished, in fact, from top to toe, +might glitter in the sun like beetles; or adopt, if they preferred it, as +being better adapted for lady-catching, the more sombre guise of the +spider. + +Foreign Affairs have two opposite modes of wearing the hair; we can +recommend both to those studious of elegance. The locks may be suffered to +flow about the shoulders in ringlets, resembling the tendrils of the vine, +by which means much will be done towards softening down the asperities of +sex; or they may be cropped close to the scalp in such a manner as to +impart a becoming prominence to the ears. When the development of those +appendages is more than usually ample, and when nature has given the head a +particularly stiff and erect covering, descending in two lateral +semicircles, and a central point on the forehead, the last mentioned style +is the more appropriate By its adoption, the most will be made of certain +personal, we might almost say generic, advantages;--we shall call it, in +the language of the Foreign Affairs themselves, the _coiffure a-la-singe_. + +Useful hints, with respect to the management of the whiskers, may be +derived from the study of Foreign Affairs. The broad, shorn, smooth extent +of jaw, darkened merely on its denuded surface, and the trimmed regular +fringe surrounding the face, are both, in perhaps equal degrees, worthy of +the attention of the tasteful. The shaggy beard and mustachios, especially, +if aided by the effect of a ferocious scowl, will admirably suit those who +would wish to have an imposing appearance; the chin, with its pointed tuft +_a la capricorne_, will, at all events, ensure distinction from the human +herd; and the decorated upper lip, with its downy growth dyed black, and +gummed (the cheek at the same time having been faintly tinged with rouge, +the locks parted, perfumed, and curled, the waist duly compressed, a slight +addition, if necessary, made to the breadth of the hips, and the feet +confined by the most taper and diminutive _chausserie_ imaginable), will +just serve to give to the _tout ensemble_ that one touch of the masculine +character which, perhaps, it may be well to retain. + +The remarkable tightness and plumpness of limbs and person exhibited by +Foreign Affairs cannot have escaped observation. This attractive quality +may be acquired by purchasing the material out of which the clothes are to +be made, and giving the tailor only just as much as may exactly suffice for +the purpose. Its general effect will be much aided by wearing wristbands +turned up over the cuff, and collars turned down upon the stock. An +agreeable contrast of black and white will thus also be produced. Those who +are fonder of harmony will do well to emulate the closely-buttoned sables +likewise worn by a large class of Foreign Affairs, who, affecting a uniform +tint, eschew the ostentation of linen. + +The diminution of the width of their coat collars, and the increase of the +convexity of their coat tails, an object which, by artificial assistance, +might easily be gained, are measures which we would earnestly press on all +who are ambitious of displaying an especial resemblance to Foreign Affairs. +We also advise them to have lofty, napless, steeple-crowned hats. + +He who would pass for a shining specimen, in every sense of the word, of a +Foreign Affair, should wear varnished boots, which, if composed partly of +striped cloth, or what is much prettier, of silk, will display the ancles +to the better advantage. + +With regard to colours in the matter of costume, the contemplation of +Foreign Affairs will probably induce a preference for black, as being +better suited to the complexion, though it will, at the same time, teach +that the hues of the rainbow are capable, under certain circumstances, of +furnishing useful suggestions. + +It will have been perceived that the Foreign Affairs of which we have been +treating are the Affairs of one particular nation: beside these, however, +there are others; but since all of their characteristics may be acquired by +letting the clothes alone, never interfering with the hair, abstaining from +the practice of ablution, and smoking German pipes about the streets, they +are hardly worth dwelling upon. Those who have light and somewhat shaggy +locks will study such models with the best success. + +Not only the appearance, but the manners also, of Foreign Affairs, may be +copied with signal benefit. Two of their accomplishments will be found +eminently serviceable--the art of looking black, and that of leering. These +physiognomical attainments, exhibited by turns, have a marvellous power of +attracting female eyes--those of them, at least, that have a tendency to +wander abroad. The best way of becoming master of these acquisitions is, to +peruse with attention the features of bravoes and brigands on the one hand, +and those of opera-dancers on the other. The progress of Foreign Affairs +should be attentively watched, as the manner of it is distinguished by a +peculiar grace. This, perhaps, we cannot better teach anyone to catch, than +by telling him to endeavour, in walking, to communicate, at each step, a +lateral motion to his coat tail. The gait of a popular actress, dressed as +a young officer, affords, next to that actually in question, the best +exemplification of our meaning. Habitual dancing before a looking-glass, by +begetting a kind of second nature, which will render the movements almost +instinctive, will be of great assistance in this particular. + +In order to secure that general style and bearing for which Foreign Affairs +are so remarkable, the mind must be carefully divested of divers +incompatible qualities--such as self-respect, the sense of shame, the +reverential instinct, and that of conscience, as certain feelings are +termed. It must also be relieved of any inconvenient weight of knowledge +under which it may labour; though these directions are perhaps needless, as +those who have any inclination to form themselves after the pattern of +Foreign Affairs, are not very likely to have any such moral or intellectual +disqualifications to get rid of. However, it would only be necessary to +become conversant with the Affairs themselves, in order, if requisite, to +remove all difficulties of the sort. "There is a thing," reader, "which +thou hast often heard of, and it is known to many in our land by the name +of pitch;" we need not finish the quotation. + +To defend the preceding observations from misconstruction, we will make, in +conclusion, one additional remark; Foreign _Affairs_ are one thing--Foreign +_Gentlemen_ another. + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH'S PENCILLINGS--No. IV. + +[Illustration: FOREIGN AFFAIRS by (a drawing of an ink bottle)] + + * * * * * + + +THE MINTO-HOUSE MANIFESTO + +Some of our big mothers of the broad-sheet have expressed their surprise +that Lord John Russell should have penned so long an address to the +citizens of London, only the day before his wedding. For ourselves, we +think, it would have augured a far worse compliment to Lady John had he +written it the day after. These gentlemen very properly look upon marriage +as a most awful ceremony, and would, therefore, indirectly compliment the +nerve of a statesman who pens a political manifesto with the torch of Hymen +in his eyes, and the whole house odorous of wedding-cake. In the like +manner have we known the last signature of an unfortunate gentleman, about +to undergo a great public and private change, eulogized for the firmness +and clearness of its letters, with the perfect mastery of the supplementary +flourish. However, what is written is written; whether penned to the +rustling of bridesmaids' satins, or the surplice of the consolatory +ordinary--whether to the anticipated music of a marriage peal, or to the +more solemn accompaniment of the bell of St. Sepulchre's. + +Ha! Lord John, had you only spoken out a little year ago--had you only told +her Majesty's Commons what you told the Livery of London--then, at this +moment, you had been no moribund minister--then had Sir Robert Peel been as +far from St. James's as he has ever been from Chatham. But so it is: the +Whig Ministry, like martyr Trappists, have died rather than open their +mouths. They would not hear the counsel of their friends, and they refused +to _speak out_ to their enemies. They retire from office with, at least, +this distinction--they are henceforth honorary members of the Asylum for +the Deaf and Dumb! + +Again, the Whigs are victims to their inherent sense of politeness--to +their instinctive observance of courtesy towards the Tories. There has been +no bold defiance--no challenge to mortal combat for the cause of public +good; but when Whig has called out Tory, it has been in picked and holiday +phrase-- + + "As if a brother should a brother dare, + To gentle exercise and proof of arms." + +For a long time the people have expected to see "cracked crowns and bloody +noses," and at length, with true John Bull disgust, turned from the ring, +convinced that the Whigs, whatever play they might make, would never go in +and fight. + +But have the Tories been correspondingly courteous? By no means; the +generosity of politeness has been wholly with the Whigs. They, like +frolicsome youths at a carnival, have pelted their antagonists with nothing +harder than sugar-plums--with egg-shells filled with rose-water; while the +Tories have acknowledged such holiday missiles with showers of brickbats, +and eggs _not_ filled with aromatic dew. What was the result? The Tories +increased in confidence and strength with every new assault; whilst the +battered Whigs, from their sheer pusillanimity, became noisome in the +nostrils of the country. + +At length, the loaves and fishes being about to be carried off, the Whigs +speak out: like sulky Master Johnny, who, pouting all dinner-time, with his +finger in his mouth, suddenly finds his tongue when the apple-dumplings are +to be taken from the table. Then does he advance his plate, seize his ivory +knife and fork, put on a look of determined animation, and cry aloud for +plenty of paste, plenty of fruit, and plenty of sugar! And then _Mrs. Tory_ +(it must be confessed a wicked old _Mother Cole_ in her time), with a face +not unlike the countenance of a certain venerable paramour at a baptismal +rite, declares upon her hopes of immortality that the child shall have +nothing of the sort, there being nothing so dangerous to the constitution +as plenty of flour, plenty of fruit, and plenty of sugar. Therefore, there +is a great uproar with Master Johnny: the House, to use a familiar phrase, +is turned out of the windows; the neighbourhood is roused; Master Johnny +rallies his friends about him, that is, all the other boys of _the court_, +and the fight begins. Johnny and his mates make a very good fight, but +certain heavy Buckinghamshire countrymen--fellows of fifty stone--are +brought to the assistance of that screaming beldame _Mother Tory_, and poor +Master Johnny has no other election than to listen to the shouts of triumph +that declare there never shall be plenty of flour, plenty of sugar, or, in +a word, plenty of pudding. + +However, Lord Russell is not discouraged. No; he says "there _shall_ be +cakes and ale, and ginger shall be hot i' the mouth, too!" We only trust +that his Lordship's manifesto is not tinged by those feelings of hope (and +in the case of his lordship we may add, resignation) that animate most men +about to enter wedlock. We trust he does not confound his own anticipations +of happiness with the prospects of the country; for in allusion to the +probable policy of the Tories, he says--"Returned to office--they may adopt +our measures, and submit to the influence of reason." Reason from the +Stanleys--reason from the Goulburns--reason from the Aberdeens! When the +Marquis of Londonderry shall have discovered the longitude, and Colonel +Sibthorp have found out the philosopher's stone, we may then begin to +expect the greater miracle. + +The Whigs, according to Lord Russell's letter, have really done so much +when out of power, and--as he insinuates, are again ready to do so much the +instant they are expelled the Treasury--that for the sake of the country, +it must be a matter of lamentation if ever they get in again. + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH AND SIR JOHN POLLEN. + +Punch, we regret to state, was taken into custody on Monday night at a late +hour, on a warrant, for the purpose of being bound over to keep the peace +towards Sir John Pollen, Bart. The circumstances giving rise to this affair +will be better explained by a perusal of the following correspondence, +which took place between ourselves and Sir John, on the occasion, a copy of +which we subjoin:-- + + +_Wellington Street, July_ 30, 1841. + +SIR,--I have this moment read in the _Morning Chronicle_, the +correspondence between you and Lord William Paget, wherein you are reported +to say, that your recent defeat at the Andover election was effected by +"tampering with some of the smaller voters, who would have voted for _Punch +or any other puppet_;" and that such expressions were not intended to be +_personally offensive_ to Lord William Paget! The members of her Majesty's +puppetry not permitting derogatory conclusions to be drawn at their +expense, I call upon you to state whether the above assertions are correct; +and if so, whether, in the former case, you intended to allude personally +to myself, or my friend Colonel Sibthorp; or, in the latter, to infer that +you considered Lord W. Paget in any way our superior. + +I have the honour to be, Sir, your obedient servant, +PUNCH. + +Sir John Pollen, Bart. + + +_Redenham, July 30, 1841._ + +SIGNOR,--I have just received a note in which you complain of a speech made +by me at Andover. I have sent express for my Lord Wilkshire, and will then +endeavour to recollect what I did say. + +I have the honour to be, your admirer, +JOHN POLLEN. + +To Signor Punch. + + +_White Hart._ + +SIGNOR,--My friend Lord Wilkshire has just arrived. It is his opinion that: +I did use the terms "Punch, or any other puppet;" but I intended them to +have been highly complimentary, as applied to Lord William Paget. + +I have the honour to be, your increased admirer, +JOHN POLLEN. + +To Signor Punch. + + +_Wellington Street._ + +SIR,--I and the Colonel are perfectly satisfied. Yours ever, + +PUNCH + + +_Wellington Street._ + +MY LORD,--It would have afforded me satisfaction to have consulted the +wishes of Sir John Pollen in regard to the publication of this +correspondence. The over-zeal of Sir John's friends have left me no choice +in the matter, I shall print. + +Your obedient servant, +PUNCH. + +Earl of Wilkshire. + + +Thus ended this-- + +[Illustration: CURIOUS CORRESPONDENCE.] + + * * * * * + + +HUMFERY CHEAT-'EM.--(_Vide_ Ainsworth's "Guy Fawkes.") + +A city friend met us the other morning: "Hark 'ee," said he, "Alderman +Humfery has been selling shares of the Blackwall Railway, which were not in +his possession; and when the directors complained, and gave him notice that +they would bring his conduct before a full meeting, inviting him at the +same time to attend, and vindicate or explain his conduct as he best might, +he not only declined to do so, but hurried off to Dublin. Now, I want to +know this," and he took me by the button, "why was Alderman Humfery, when +he ran away to Dublin, like the boy who ripped up his goose which laid +golden eggs?"--We were fain to give it up.--"Because," said he, with a +cruel dig in the ribs, "because he _cut his lucky!_" + + * * * * * + + +THE BOY JONES'S LOG. + +PICKED UP AT SEA. + + +The following interesting narrative of the sufferings of the youth Jones, +whose indefatigable pursuit of knowledge, under the most discouraging +circumstances, has been the cause of his banishment to a distant shore, was +lately picked up at sea, in a sealed bottle, by a homeward-bound East +Indiaman, and since placed in our hands by the captain of the vessel; who +complimented us by saying, he felt such confidence in PUNCH'S honour and +honesty! (these were his very words), that he unhesitatingly confided to +him the precious document, in order that it might be given to the world +without alteration or curtailment. + +We hasten to realise the captain's flattering estimate of our character. + + +_At see, on board the ship Apollo._ + +_June 30._--So soon as the fust aggytation of my mind is woar off, I take +up my pen to put my scentiments on peaper, in hops that my friends as nose +the misfortin wich as oc-_curd_ to me, may think off me wen I'm far a +_whey_. Halass! sir, the wicktim of that crewel blewbeard, Lord Melbun, who +got affeard of my rising poplarity in the Palass, and as sent me to _see_ +for my _peeping_, though, heaven nose, I was acktyated by the pewrest +motiffs in what I did. The reel fax of the case is, I'm a young man of an +ighly cultiwated mind and a very _ink_-wisitive disposition, wich naturally +led me to the use of the _pen_. I ad also bean in the abit of reading "Jak +Sheppard," and I may add, that I O all my eleygant tastes to the perowsal +of that faxinating book. O! wot a noble mind the author of these wollums +must have!--what a frootful inwention and fine feelings he displays!--what +a delicat weal he throws over the piccadillys of his ero, making petty +larceny lovely, and burglarly butiful. + +However, I don't mean now to enter into a reglar crickitism of this +egxtrornary work, but merely to observe, when I read it fust I felt a thust +for literrerry fame spring up in my buzzem; and I thort I should to be an +orthor. Unfortinnet delusion!--that thort has proved my rooin. It was the +_bean_ of my life, and the destroyer of my _pease_. From that moment I +could think of nothink else; I neglekted my wittles and my master, and +wanderd about like a knight-errand-boy who had forgotten his message. Sleap +deserted my lowly pillar, and, like a wachful shepherd, I lay all night +awake amongst my _flocks_. I had got hold of a single idear--it was the +axle of my mind, and, like a wheelbarrow, my head was always turning upon +it. At last I resolved to rite, and I cast my i's about for a subject--they +fell on the Palass! Ear, as my friend Litton Bulwer ses, ear was a field +for genus to sore into;--ear was an area for fillophosy to dive into;--ear +was a truly magnificient and comprehensive desine for a great _nash_-ional +picture! I had got a splendid title, too--not for myself--I've a sole above +such trumperry--but for my book. Boox is like humane beings--a good title +goes a grate way with the crowd:--the one I ad chose for my _shed-oove_, +was "Pencillings in the Palass; or, a Small Voice from the Royal Larder," +with commick illustriations by Fiz or Krokvill. Mr. Bentley wantid to be +engaged as monthly nuss for my expected projeny; and a nother gen'leman, +whose "name" shall be "never heard," offered to go _shears_ with me, if I'd +consent to _cut-uup_ the Cort ladies. "No," ses I, indignantly, "I leave +Cort scandle to my betters--I go on independent principals into the Palass, +and that's more than Lord Melbun, or Sir Robert Peal, or any one of the +insiders or outsiders ever could or ever can say of theirselves. + +That's what I said _then_,--but now I think, what a cussed fool I was. All +my eye-flown bubbles were fated to be busted and melted, like the _wigs_, +"into thin _hair_." + +_Nong port!_ We gets wiser as we gets * * * + +Genteel Reader,--I beg your parding. I'm better now. Bless me, how the ship +waggles! It's reelly hawful; the sailors only laff at it, but I suppose as +they're all _tars_ they don't mind being _pitched_ a little. + +The capting tells me we are now reglarly at see, having just passt the +North 4 land; so, ackording to custom, I begin my journal, or, as +naughtical men call it--to keep my log. + +_12 o'clock._--Wind.--All in my eye. Mate said we had our larburd tax +aboard--never herd of that tax on shore. Told me I should learn to box the +compass--tried, but couldn't do it--so boxt the cabbing boy insted. Capting +several times calld to a man who was steering--"_Port, port_;" but though +he always anserd, "Eye, eye, sir," he didn't bring him a drop. The black +cook fell into the hold on the topp of his hed. Everybody sed he was gone +to Davy Jones's locker; but he warn't, for he soon came to again, drank 1/2 +a pint of rumm, and declared it was-- + +[Illustration: THE REAL BLACK REVIVER.] + +Saw a yung salor sitting on the top of one of the masts--thort of Dibdings +faymos see-song, and asked if he warn't + + "The sweet little cherub that sits up aloft?" + +Man laff'd, and said it wor only Bill Junk clearing the pennant halliards. + +_1 o'clock._--Thort formerly that every sailer wore his pigtale at the back +of his head, like Mr. Tippy Cook--find I labored under a groce +mistake--they all carry their pigtale in their backy-boxes. When I beheld +the sailors working and heaving, and found that I was also beginning to +heave-too, I cuddn't help repeting the varse of the old song--which fitted +my case egsactly:-- + + "There's the capt'n he is our kimmander, + There's the bos'n and all the ship's crew, + There's the married men as well as the single, + Ken-ows what we poor sailors goes through." + +However, I made up my mind not to look inward on my own wose any longer, so +I put my head out of a hole in the side of the ship--and, my wiskers! how +she did whizz along. Saw the white cliffs of Halbion a long way off, wich +brought tiers in my i, thinking of those I had left behind, particular +Sally Martin the young gal I was paying my attentions to, who gave me a +_lock_ of her air when I was a leaving of the _key_. Oh! Lord Melbun, Lord +Melbun! how can you rest in youre 4-post bed at nite, nowing you have broke +the tize of affexion and divided 2 fond arts for hever! This mellancholly +reflexion threw me into a poeticle fitte, and though I was werry uneasy in +my _stommik_, and had nothing to rite on but my _chest_. I threw off as +follows in a few 2nds, and arterards sung it to the well-none hair of +"Willy Reilly:"-- + + Oakum to me[3], ye sailors bold, + Wot plows upon the sea; + To you I mean for to unfold + My mournful histo-ree. + So pay attention to my song, + And quick-el-ly shall appear, + How innocently, all along, + I vos in-weigle-ed here. + + One night, returnin home to bed, + I walk'd through Pim-li-co, + And, twigging of the Palass, sed, + "I'm _Jones_ and _In-i-go_." + But afore I could get out, my boys + Pollise-man 20 A, + He caught me by the corderoys, + And lugged me right a-way. + + My cuss upon Lord Melbun, and + On Jonny Russ-all-so, + That forc'd me from my native land + Across the vaves to go-o-oh. + But all their spiteful arts is wain, + My spirit down to keep; + I hopes I'll soon git back again, + To take another peep. + + [3] The nautical mode of writing--"Oh! come to me."--PRINTER'S + DEVIL. + +_2 o'clock._--Bell rung for all hands to come down to dinner. Thought I +never saw dirtier hands in my life. They call their dinner "a mess" on +broad ship, and a preshious mess it did look--no bread but hard biskit and +plenty of ship's _rolls_, besides biled pork and P-soop--both these +articles seemed rayther queer--felt my stommick growing quear too--got on +deck, and asked where we were--was told we were in the Straits of Dover. I +never was in such dreadful straits in my life--ship leaning very much on +one side, which made me feel like a man + +[Illustration: GOING OFF IN A RAPID DECLINE.] + +_3 o'clock._--Weather getting rather worse than better. Mind very uneasy. +Capting says we shall have plenty of squalls to-night; and I heard him just +now tell the mate to look to the main shrouds, so I spose it's all dickey +with us, and that this log will be my sad epilog. The idear of being made +fish meat was so orrible to my sensitive mind, that I couldn't refrain from +weaping, which made the capting send me down stairs, to vent my sorros in +the cable _tiers_. + +_5 o'clock._--I'm sure we shan't srwive this night, therefore I av +determined to put my heavy log into an M T rum-bottle, and throw it +overbord, in bops it may be pickd up by some pirson who will bare my sad +tail to my dear Sally. And now I conclewd with this short advice:--Let awl +yung men take warning by my crewel fate. Let them avide bad kumpany and +keep out of the Palass; and above all, let them mind their bissnesses on +dri land, and never cast their fortunes on any _main_, like their +unfortinet + +Servant, +THE BOY JONES. + + * * * * * + + +[Illustration] + +THE TWO MACBETHS. + +OR THE HAY MARKET GEMINI. + + O, Gemini- + Crimini! + Nimini- + Pimini + Representatives of the Tartan hero, + Who wildly tear a passion into rags + More ragged than the hags + That round about the cauldron go! + Murderers! who murder Shakspeare so, + That 'stead of murdering sleep, ye do not do it; + But, _vice versa_, send the audience to it. + And, oh!-- + But no-- + Illustrious Mac- + Beth, or -ready, + And thou, small quack, + Of plaudits greedy! + Our pen, deserted by the tuneful Muses, + To write on such a barren theme refuses. + + * * * * * + + + THEATRE ROYAL, DRURY LANE, + POLITICAL PROMENADE AND CONSERVATIVE CONCERTS. + The most splendid night of the season! Friday, the 20th of August. + CAPTAIN ROUS'S NIGHT! + British Champagne and the British Constitution!--The Church, the + State, and Real Turtle! + + The performances will commence with + FISH OUT OF WATER, + Sam Savory--Captain Rous, R.N. + After which, + HIS FIRST CHAMPAGNE; + Which will embrace the whole strength of THE STEWARDS. + In the course of the Evening, the ENLIGHTENED + LICENSED VICTUALLERS, + (Those zealous admirers of _true British spirit_) will parade the + room amid + A GRAND DISPLAY OF ELECTION ACCOUNTS. + + To be followed by a GRAND PANTOMIME, called + HARLEQUIN HUMBUG; + OR, BRAVO ROUS! + OLD GLORY (afterwards Pantaloon) SIR F. BURDETT, + who has kindly offered his services on this occasion. + HARRY HUMBUG (a true British Sailor, afterwards Harlequin), CAPT. ROUS. + DON WHISKERANDOS (afterwards Clown), COL. SIBTHORPE. + The whole to conclude with a grand _melange_ of + HATS, COATS, AND UMBRELLAS. + + TICKETS TO BE HAD AT ANY PRICE. + + Stretchers to be at the doors at half-past 2, and policemen to take + up with their heads towards Bow-street. + + VIVAT REGINA. + + * * * * * + + +THE ADVANTAGES OF ANIMAL MAGNETISM. + +The experiments of M. Delafontaine having again raised an outcry against +this noble science, from the apparent absence of any benefit likely to +arise from it, beyond converting human beings into pincushions and galvanic +dummies. We, who look deeper into things than the generality of the world, +hail it as an inestimable boon to mankind, and proceed at once to answer +the numerous enquirers as to the _cui bono_ of this novel soporific. + +By a judicious application of the mesmeric fluid, the greatest domestic +comfort can be insured at the least possible trouble. The happiest Benedict +is too well aware that ladies will occasionally exercise their tongues in a +way not altogether compatible with marital ideas of quietude. A few passes +of the hand ("in the way of kindness for he who would," &c. _vide_ Tobin) +will now silence the most powerful oral battery; and Tacitus himself might, +with the aid of mesmerism, pitch his study in a milliner's work-room. +Hen-pecked husbands have now other means at their command, to secure quiet, +than their razors and their garters. We have experimentalised upon our +Judy, and find it answer to a miracle. Mrs. Johnson may shut up her +laboratory for American Soothing Syrup; mesmerism is the only panacea for +those morning and evening infantile ebullitions which affectionate mammas +always assign to the teeth, the wind, or a pain in the stomach, and never +to that possible cause, a pain in the temper. Mesmerism is "the real +blessing to mothers," and Elliotson the Mrs. Johnson of the day. We have +tried it upon our Punchininny, and find it superior to our old practice of +throwing him out of the window. + +Lovers, to you it is a boon sent by Cupid. Mammas, who will keep in the +room when your bosoms are bursting with adoration--fathers, who will wake +on the morning of an elopement, when the last trunk and the parrot are +confided to you from the window--bailiffs, who will hunt you up and down +their bailiwick, even to the church-door, though an heiress is depending +upon your character for weekly payments--all are rendered powerless and +unobtrusive by this inexplicable palmistry. Candidates, save your money; +mesmerise your opponents instead of bribing them, and you may become a +patriot by a show of hands. + +These are a few of its social advantages--its political uses are unbounded. +Why not mesmerise the Chinese? and, as for the Chartists, call out +Delafontaine instead of the magistrates--a few mesmeric passes would be an +easy and efficient substitute for the "Riot Act." Then the powers of +_clairvoyance_--the faculty of seeing with their eyes shut--that it gives +to the patient. Mrs. Ratsey, your royal charge might be soothed and +instructed at the same time, by substituting a sheet of PUNCH for the +purple and fine linen of her little Royal Highness's nautilus-shell. + +Lord John Russell, the policy of your wily adversary would no longer be +concealed. Jealous husbands, do you not see a haven of security, for brick +walls may be seen through, and letters read in the pocket of your rival, by +this magnetic telescope? whilst studious young gentleman may place Homer +under their arms, and study Greek without looking at it. + +[Illustration: MESMERISM.] + + * * * * * + + +FASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE. + +The Marquis of Waterford and party visited Vauxhall Gardens on Monday. The +turnpike man on the bridge was much _struck_ by their easy manner of +dealing with their inferiors. + +Alderman Magnay laid the first shell of an oyster grotto one night this +week in the Minories. There was a large party of boys, who, with the worthy +Alderman, repaired to a neighbouring fruit-stall, where the festivity of +the occasion was kept up for several minutes. + +The New Cut was, as usual, a scene of much animation on Saturday last, and +there was rather a more brilliant display than customary of new and elegant +baked-potato stands. The well-known turn-out, with five lanterns and four +apertures for the steam, was the general admiration of the host of +pedestrians who throng the Cut between the hours of eight and twelve on +Saturday. + + * * * * * + + +A BITTER DRAUGHT. + +SIR R. PEEL, in the celebrated medicinal metaphor with which he lately +favoured his constituents at Tamworth, concludes by stating, "that he +really believes he does more than any political physician ever did by +referring to the prescriptions which he offered in 1835 and 1840, and by +saying that he sees no reason to alter them." This is, to carry out the +physical figure, only another version of "_the mixture as before_." We are +afraid there are no hopes of the patient. + +"Why are the Whigs like the toes of a dancing-master?"--"Because they +_must_ be turned out." + +"Why are Colonel Sibthorp and Mr. Peter Borthwick like the covering of the +dancing-master's toes?"--"Because they are a _pair of pumps_." + +"Why are the Whigs and Tories like the scarlet fever and the +measles?"--"Because there's no telling which is the worst." + + * * * * * + + +A HINT TO THE UGLY. + +My uncle Septimus Snagglegrable is no more! Excellent old man! no one knew +his worthiness whilst he was of the living, for every one called him a +scoundrel. + +It is reserved for me to do justice to his memory, and one short sentence +will be sufficient for the purpose--he has left me five thousand pounds! I +have determined that his benevolence shall not want an imitator, and I have +resolved, at a great personal sacrifice, to benefit that portion of my +fellow creatures who are denominated ugly. I am particularly so. My +complexion is a bright snuff-colour; my eyes are grey, and unprotected by +the usual verandahs of eye-lashes; my nose is _retrousse_, and if it has a +bridge, it must be of the suspension order, for it is decidedly concave. I +wish Rennie would turn his attention to the state of numerous noses in the +metropolis. I am sure a lucrative company might he established for the +purpose of erecting bridges to noses that, like my own, have been +unprovided by nature. I should be happy to become a director. _Revenons +nous_--my mouth is decidedly large, and my teeth singularly irregular. My +father was violently opposed to Dr. Jenner's "repeal of the small-pox,"[4] +and would not have me vaccinated; the consequence of which has been that my +chin is full of little dells, thickly studded with dark and stunted +bristles. I have bunions and legs that (as "the right line of beauty's a +curve") are the perfection of symmetry. My poor mother used to lament what +she, in the plenitude of her ignorance, was pleased to denominate my +disadvantages. She knew not the power of genius. To me these--well, I'll +call them _defects_--have been the source of great profit. For years I have +walked about the great metropolis without any known or even conjectural +means of subsistence; my coat has always been without a patch--my linen +without spot! + + [4] Baylis. + +Ugly brothers, I am about to impart to you the secret of my existence! I +have lived by the fine arts--yes, by sitting as + + A model for door-knockers and cherubim for tomb-stones. + +The latter may perhaps surprise you, but the contour of my countenance is +decidedly infantile--for when had a babby a bridge?--and the addition of a +penny trumpet completes the full-blown expression of the light-headed +things known to stone-masons as cherubim. + +But it is to the art of knocker-designing that I flatter myself I have been +of most service. By the elevation of my chin, and the assistance of a long +wig, I can present an excellent resemblance of a lion, with this great +advantage over the real animal--I can vary the expression according to +circumstances-- + + "As mild as milk, or raging as the storm." + +So that nervous single ladies need not be terrified out of their senses +every time they knock at their door, by the grim personification of a Nero +at feeding time; or a tender-hearted poor-law guardian be pestered during +dinner by invitations afforded to the starving poor by the benevolent +expression of his knocker. + +Ugly ones! I have now imparted to you my secret. + + * * * * * + + +ON THE POPULARITY OF MR. CH--S K--N. + + Oh, Mr. Punch! what glorious times + Are these, for humbly gifted mimes; + When, spite of each detracter, + Paternal name and filial love, + Assisted by "the powers above," + Have made C----s K----n an actor! + + "'Tis true," his generous patrons say, + "Of genius he ne'er had a ray; + Yet, all his faults to smother, + The youth inherits, from his sire, + A name which all the world admire, + And dearly loves his mother!" + + Stripp'd of his adventitious aid, + He ne'er ten pounds a week had made; + Yet every Thespian brother + Is now kept down, or put to flight, + While _he_ gets fifty pounds a night, + Because--he loves his mother! + + Though I'm, in heart and soul, a friend + To genuine talent, Heaven forefend + That I should raise a pother, + Because the philanthropic folks + Wink and applaud a pious hoax, + For one who--loves his mother! + + No! Heaven prolong his parent's life + And grant that no untimely strife + May wean them from each other! + For soon he'd find the golden fleece + Slip from his grasp, should he e'er cease + To _keep_ and--love his mother! + + * * * * * + + +A CON. BY COLONEL SIBTHORP. + +Why is a chesnut horse, going at a rapid pace up an inclined plane, like an +individual in white trousers presenting a young lady in book muslin with an +infantine specimen of the canine species?--Because he is giving _a gallop +up_ (a girl a pup). + + * * * * * + + +THE DRAMA. + +ASTLEY'S COMPANY AT THE OLYMPIC. + +The distresses of actors distress nobody but themselves. A tale of woe told +off the stage by a broad comedian, begets little sympathy; and if he is in +the "heavy line," people say he is used to it, and is only acting--playing +off upon you a melancholy joke, that he may judge how it will _tell_ at +night. Thus, when misfortune takes a benefit, charity seldom takes tickets; +for she is always sceptical about the so-called miseries of the most giddy, +volatile, jolly, careless, uncomplaining (where managers and bad parts are +not concerned) vainest, and apparently, happiest possible members of the +community, who are so completely associated with fiction, that they are +hardly believed when telling the truth. _Par exemple_--nothing can be more +true than that Astley's Theatre was burnt down the other day; that the +whole of that large establishment were suddenly thrown out of employ; that +their wardrobes were burnt to rags, their properties reduced to a cinder, +and their means of subsistence roasted in a too rapid fire. True also is +it, that to keep the wolf from their own doors, those of the Olympic have +been opened, where the really dismounted cavalry of Astley's are continuing +their campaign, having appealed to the public to support them. Judging from +the night we were present, that support has been extended with a degree of +lukewarmness which is exactly proportionate to the effect produced by the +appeals of actors when misfortune overtakes them. + +But, besides public sympathy, they put forth other claims for support. The +amusements they offer are of extraordinary merit. The acting of Mr. H. +Widdicomb, of Miss Daly, and Mr. Sidney Forster, was, in the piece we +saw--"The Old House at Home"--full of nature and quiet touches of feeling +scarcely to be met with on any other stage. Still these are qualifications +the "general" do not always appreciate; though they often draw tears, they +seldom draw money. Very well, to meet that deficiency, other and more +popular actors have come forward to offer their aid. Mr. T.P. Cooke has +already done his part, as he always does it, nobly. The same may be said of +Mr. Hammond. When we were present, Mrs. H.L. Grattan and Mr. Balls appeared +in the "Lady of Munster." Mr. Sloan, a popular Irish comedian from the +provinces, has lent a helping hand, by coming out in a new drama. Mr. +Keeley is also announced. + +The pieces we saw were well got up and carefully acted; so that the patrons +of the drama need not dread that, in this instance, the Astleyan-Olympic +actors believe that "charity covers a multitude of sins." They don't care +who sees their faults--the more the better. + + * * * * * + + +"BEHIND THE SCENES." + +When a certain class of persons, whose antipathy to gratis sea-voyages is +by no means remarkable, are overtaken by the police and misfortune; when +the last legal quibble has been raised upon their case and failed; when, +indeed, to use their own elegant phraseology, they are "regularly stumped +and done up;" then--and, to do them justice, not till then--they resort to +confession, and to turning king's evidence against their accomplices. + +This seems to be exactly the case with the drama, which is evidently in the +last stage of decline; the consumption of new subjects having exhausted the +supply. The French has been "taken from" till it has nothing more to give; +the Newgate Calendar no longer affords materials; for an entire dramatic +edition of it might be collected (a valuable hint this for the Syncretic +Society, that desperate association for producing un-actable dramas)--the +very air is exhausted in a theatrical sense; for "life in the clouds" has +been long voted "law;" whilst the play-writing craft have already robbed +the regions below of every spark of poetic fire; devils are decidedly out +of date. In short, and not to mince the matter, as hyenas are said to stave +off starvation by eating their own haunches, so the drama _must_ be on its +last legs, when actors turn king's evidence, and exhibit to the public how +they flirt and quarrel, and eat oysters and drink porter, and scandalise +and make fun--how, in fact, they disport themselves "Behind the Scenes." + +A visit to the English Opera will gratify those of the uninitiated, who are +anxious to get acquainted with the manners and customs of the ladies and +gentlemen of the _corps dramatique_ "at the wing." Otherwise than as a sign +of dramatic destitution, the piece called "Behind the Scenes" is highly +amusing. Mr. Wild's acting displays that happy medium between jocularity +and earnest, which is the perfection of burlesque. Mrs. Selby plays the +"leading lady" without the smallest effort, and invites the first tragedian +to her treat of oysters and beer with considerable _empressement_, though +supposed to be labouring at the time _under_ the stroke of the headsman's +axe. Lastly, it would be an act of injustice to Mr. Selby to pass his +_Spooney Negus_ over in silence. PUNCH has too brotherly an affection for +his fellow-actors, to hide their faults; in the hope that, by shewing them +_veluti in speculum_, they may be amended. In all kindness, therefore, he +entreats Mr. Selby, if he be not bent upon hastening his own ruin, if he +have any regard for the feelings of unoffending audiences, who always +witness the degradation of human nature with pain--he implores him to +provide a substitute for _Negus_. Every actor knows the difference between +portraying imbecility and _being_ silly himself--between puerility, as +characteristic of a part _in posse_, and as being a trait of the performer +_in esse_. To this rule Mr. Selby, in this part, is a melancholy exception; +for he seems utterly ignorant of such a distinction, broad as it is--he is +silly himself, instead of causing silliness in _Spooney_. This is the more +to be regretted, as whoever witnessed, with us, the first piece, saw in Mr. +Selby a respectable representative of an old dandy in "Barnaby Rudge." +Moreover, the same gentleman is, we understand, the adapter of the drama +from Boz's tale. That too proves him to be a clever contriver of +situations, and an ingenious adept with the pen and scissors. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +1, August 7, 1841, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14922.txt or 14922.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/9/2/14922/ + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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