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diff --git a/14920.txt b/14920.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..07f7bdf --- /dev/null +++ b/14920.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2444 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, +July 24, 1841, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, July 24, 1841 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14920] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 1. + + + +FOR THE WEEK ENDING JULY 24, 1841. + + * * * * * + + +A MODEST METHOD OF FORMING A NEW BUDGET + +SO AS TO PROVIDE FOR THE DEFICIENCY OF THE REVENUE. + + +[Illustration: P] Poor Mr. Dyer! And so this gentleman has been dismissed +from the commission of the peace for humanely endeavouring to obtain the +release of Medhurst from confinement. Two or three thousand pounds, he +thought, given to some public charity, might persuade the Home Secretary to +remit the remainder of his sentence, and dispose the public to look upon +the prisoner with an indulgent eye. + +Now, Mr. Punch, incline thy head, and let me whisper a secret into thine +ear. If the Whig ministry had not gone downright mad with the result of the +elections, instead of dismissing delectable Dyer, they would have had him +down upon the Pension List to such a tune as you wot not of, although of +tunes you are most curiously excellent. For, oh! what a project did he +unwittingly shadow forth of recruiting the exhausted budget! Such a one as +a sane Chancellor of the Exchequer would have seized upon, and shaken in +the face of "Robert the Devil," and his crew of "odious monopolists." Peel +must still have pined in hopeless opposition, when Baring opened his plan. + +Listen! Mandeville wrote a book, entitled "Private Vices Public Benefits." +Why cannot public crimes, let me ask, be made so? you, perhaps, are not on +the instant prepared with an answer--but I am. + +Let the Chancellor of the Exchequer forthwith prepare to discharge all the +criminals in Great Britain, of whatever description, from her respective +prisons, on the payment of a certain sum, to be regulated on the principle +of a graduated or "sliding scale." + +A vast sum will be thus instantaneously raised,--not enough, however, you +will say, to supply the deficiency. I know it. But a moment's further +attention. Mr. Goulburn, many years since, being then Chancellor of the +Exchequer, and, like brother Baring, in a financial hobble, proposed that +on the payment, three years in advance, of the dog and hair-powder tax, all +parties so handsomely coming down with the "tin," should henceforth and for +ever rejoice in duty-free dog, and enjoy untaxed cranium. Now, why not a +proposition to this effect--that on the payment of a good round sum (let it +be pretty large, for the ready is required), a man shall be exempt from the +present legal consequences of any crime or crimes he may hereafter commit; +or, if this be thought an extravagant scheme, and not likely to take with +the public, at least let a list of prices be drawn up, that a man may know, +at a glance, at what cost he may gratify a pet crime or favourite little +foible. Thus:-- + +For cutting one's own child's head off--so much. (I really think I would +fix this at a high price, although I am well aware it has been done for +nothing.) + +For murdering a father or a mother--a good sum. + +For ditto, a grand ditto, or a great-grand ditto--not so much: their +leases, it is presumed, being about to fall in. + +Uncles, aunts, cousins, friends, companions, and the community in +general--in proportion. + +The cost of assaults and batteries, and other diversions, might be easily +arranged; only I must remark, that for assaulting policemen I would charge +high; that being, like the Italian Opera, for the most part, the +entertainment of the nobility. + +You may object that the propounding such a scheme would be discreditable, +and that the thing is unprecedented. Reflect, my dear PUNCH, for an +instant. Surely, nothing can be deemed to be discreditable by a Whig +government, after the cheap sugar, cheap timber, cheap bread rigs. Why, +this is just what might have been expected from them. I wonder they had not +hit upon it. How it would have "agitated the masses!" + +As to the want of a precedent, that is easily supplied. Pardons for all +sorts and sizes of crimes were commonly bought and sold in the reign of +James I.; nay, pardon granted in anticipation of crimes to be at a future +time committed. + +After all, you see, Mr. Dyer's idea was not altogether original. + +Your affectionate friend, + +CHRISTOPHER SLY. + +_Pump_ Court. + +P.S.--Permit me to congratulate you on the determination you have come to, +of entering the literary world. Your modesty may be alarmed, but I must +tell you that several of our "popular and talented" authors are commonly +thought to be greatly indebted to you. They are said to derive valuable +hints from you, particularly in their management of the pathetic. + +Keep a strict eye upon your wife, Judith. You say she will superintend your +notices of the fashions, &c.; but I fear she has been already too long and +exclusively employed on certain newspapers and other periodicals. Her style +is not easily mistaken. + + * * * * * + + +WHIG-WAGGERIES. + + The Whigs must go: to reign instead + The Tories will be call'd; + The Whigs should ne'er be at the head-- + _Dear me, I'm getting bald_! + + The Whigs! they pass'd that Poor Law Bill; + That's true, beyond a doubt; + The poor they've treated very ill-- + _There, kick that beggar out_! + + The Whigs about the sugar prate! + They do not care one dump + About the blacks and their sad state-- + _Just please to pass the lump_! + + Those niggers, for their sufferings here, + Will angels be when dying; + Have wings, and flit above us--dear-- + _Why, how those blacks are flying_! + + The Whigs are in a state forlorn; + In fact, were ne'er so low: + They make a fuss about the corn-- + _My love, you're on my toe_! + + The Whigs the timber duty say + They will bring down a peg; + More wooden-pated blockheads they! + _Fetch me my wooden leg_! + + * * * * * + + +COURT CIRCULAR. + +Deaf Burke took an airing yesterday afternoon in an open cart. He was +accompanied by Jerry Donovan. They afterwards stood up out of the rain +under the piazzas in Covent Garden. In the evening they walked through the +slops. + +The dinner at the Harp, yesterday, was composed of many delicacies of the +season, including bread-and-cheese and onions. The hilarity of the evening +was highly increased by the admirable style in which Signor Jonesi sang +"Nix my dolly pals." + +Despatches yesterday arrived at the house of Reuben Martin, enclosing a +post order for three-and six-pence. + +The Signor and Deaf Burke walked out at five o'clock. They after wards +tossed for a pint of half-and-half. + +Jerry Donovan and Bill Paul were seen in close conversation yesterday. It +is rumoured that the former is in treaty with the latter for a pair of +left-off six-and-eightpenny Clarences. + +Paddy Green intends shortly to remove to a three-pair back-room in Little +Wild-street, Drury-lane, which he has taken for the summer. His loss will +be much felt in the neighbourhood. + + * * * * * + + +AN AN-TEA ANACREONTIC.--No. 2. + + Rundell! pride of Ludgate Hill! + I would task thine utmost skill; + I would have a bowl from thee + Fit to hold my Howqua tea. + And oh! leave it not without + Ivory handle and a spout. + Where thy curious hand must trace + Father Mathew's temperate face, + So that he may ever seem + Spouting tea and breathing steam. + On its sides do not display + Fawns and laughing nymphs at play + But portray, instead of these, + Funny groups of fat Chinese: + On its lid a mandarin, + Modelled to resemble Lin. + When completed, artisan, + I will pay you--if I can. + + * * * * * + + +SPORTING. + +THE KNOCKER HUNT. + + +On Thursday, July 8, 1841, the celebrated pack of Knocker Boys met at the +Cavendish, in Jermyn Street. These animals, which have acquired for +themselves a celebrity as undying as that of Tom and Jerry, are of a fine +powerful breed, and in excellent condition. The success which invariably +attends them must be highly gratifying to the distinguished nobleman who, +if he did not introduce this particular species into the metropolis, has at +least done much to bring it to its present extraordinary state of +perfection. + +As there may be some of our readers who are ignorant of the purposes for +which this invaluable pack has been organised, it may be as well to state a +few particulars, before proceeding to the detail of one of the most +splendid nights upon record in the annals of disorderism. + +The knocker is a thing which is generally composed of brass or iron. It has +frequently a violent resemblance to the "human face divine," or the +ravenous expressiveness of a beast of prey. It assumes a variety of phases +under peculiar _vinous_ influences. A gentleman, in whose veracity and +experience we have the most unlimited confidence, for a series of years +kept an account of the phenomena of his own knocker; and by his permission +the following extracts are now submitted to the public:-- + + 1840. + + Nov. 12--Dined with Captain ----. Capital spread--exquisite + _liqueurs_--magnificent wines--unparalleled cigars--drank _my_ + four bottles--should have made it five, but found I had eaten + something which disagreed with me--Home at four. + + _State of Knocker_.--Jumping up and down the surface of the door + like a rope dancer, occasionally diverging into a zig-zag, the + key-hole partaking of the same eccentricities. + + Nov. 13.--Supped with Charley B----. Brandy, _genuine + cognac_--Cigars _principe_. ESTIMATED CONSUMPTION: brandy and + water, eighteen glasses--cigars, two dozen--porter with a cabman, + two pots. + + _State of Knocker_.--Peripatetic--moved from our house to the + next--remained till it roused the family--returned to its own + door, and became duplicated--wouldn't wake the house-porter till + five. + + N.B. Found I had used my own thumb for a sounding-plate, and had + bruised my nail awfully. + + Nov. 14.--Devoted the day to soda-water and my tailor's bill--gave + a draught for the amount, and took another on my own account. + + Nov. 15.--Lectured by the "governor"--left the house savage--met + the Marquess--got very drunk unconsciously--fancied myself a + merman, and that the gutter in the Haymarket was the + Archipelago--grew preposterous, and felt that I should like to be + run over--thought I was waltzing with Cerito, but found I was + being carried on a stretcher to the station-house--somebody sent + somewhere for bail, and somebody bailed me. + + _State of Knocker_.--Very indistinct--then became uncommonly like + the "governor" in his nightcap--_could_ NOT reach it--presume it + was filial affection that prevented me--knocked of its own accord, + no doubt agitated by sympathy--reverberated in my ears all night, + and left me with a confounded head-ache in the morning. + +The above examples are sufficient to show the variability of this singular +article. + +Formerly the knocker was devoted entirely to the menial occupation of +announcing, by a single dab, or a variation of raps, the desire of persons +on the door-step to communicate with the occupants of the interior of a +mansion. Modern genius has elevated it into a source of refined pleasure +and practical humour, affording at the same time employment to the artisan, +excitement to the gentleman, and broken heads and dislocations of every +variety to the police! + +We will now proceed to the details of an event which PUNCH alone is worthy +to record:-- + +Notice of a meet having been despatched to all the members of the "Knocker +Hunt," a splendid field--no _street_--met at the Cavendish--the hotel of +the hospitable Marquess. The white damask which covered the mahogany was +dotted here and there with rich and invigorating viands; whilst decanters +of port and sherry--jugs of Chateau Margaux--bottles of exhilarating +spirits, and boxes of cigars, agreeably diversified the scene. After a +plentiful but orderly discussion of the "creature comforts," (for all +ebullitions at home are strictly prohibited by the Marquess) it was +proposed to _draw_ St. James's Square. This suggestion was, however, +abandoned, as it was reported by Captain Pepperwell, that a party of snobs +had been hunting bell-handles in the same locality, on the preceding night. +Clarges Street was then named; and off we started in that direction, trying +the west end of Jermyn Street and Piccadilly in our way; but, as was +expected, both coverts proved blank. We were almost afraid of the same +result in the Clarges Street gorse; for it was not until we arrived at No. +33, that any one gave tongue. Young Dashover was the first, and clearly and +beautifully came his shrill tone upon the ear, as he exclaimed "Hereth a +knocker--thuch a one, too!" The rush was instantaneous; and in the space of +a moment one feeling seemed to have taken possession of the whole pack. A +more splendid struggle was never witnessed by the oldest knocker-hunter! A +more pertinacious piece of cast-iron never contended against the prowess of +the Corinthian! After a gallant pull of an hour and a half, "the affair +came off," and now graces the club-room of the "Knocker Hunt." + +The pack having been called off, were taken to the kennel in the Haymarket, +when one young dog, who had run counter at a bell-handle, was found to be +missing; but the gratifying intelligence was soon brought, that he was safe +in the Vine-street station-house. + +The various compounds known as champagne, port, sherry, brandy, &c., having +been very freely distributed, Captain Pepperwell made a proposition that +will so intimately connect his name with that of the immortal Marquess, +that, like the twin-born of Jupiter and Leda, to mention one will be to +imply the other. + +Having obtained silence by throwing a quart measure at the waiter, he +wriggled himself into an upright position, and in a voice tremulous from +emotion--perhaps brandy, said-- + +"Gentlemen of--the Knocker Hunt--there are times when a man can't make--a +speech without con-considerable inconvenience to himself--that's my case at +the present moment--but my admiration for the distinguished foun--der of +the Knocker Hunt--compels me--to stand as well as I can--and propose, that +as soon as we have knockers enough--they be melted down--by some other +respectable founder, and cast into a statue of--the Marquess of Waterford!" + +Deafening were the cheers which greeted the gallant captain! A meeting of +ladies has since been held, at which resolutions were passed for the +furtherance of so desirable an object, and a committee formed for the +selection of a design worthy of the originator of the Knocker Hunt. To that +committee we now appeal. + +[Illustration: + TO HENRY, MARQUESS OF WATERFORD, + AND HIS JOLLY COMPANIONS IN LOWE, + THIS STATUE OF ACHILLES, + CAST FROM KNOCKERS TAKEN IN THE VICINITIES + OF SACKVILLE-STREET, VIGO-LANE, AND WATERLOO-PLACE, + IS INSCRIBED + BY THEIR GENTLEWOMEN. + PLACED ON THIS SPOT + ON THE FIRST DAY OF APRIL, MDCCCXLII. + BY COMMAND OF + COLONEL ROWAN.] + +_Mem_. The hunt meet again on Monday next, as information has been +received that a splendid knocker occupies the door of Laing's shooting +gallery in the Haymarket. + + * * * * * + + +STENOTYPOGRAPHY. + +Our _printer's devil_, with a laudable anxiety for our success, has +communicated the following pathetic story. As a specimen of +stenotypography, or compositor's short-hand, we consider it _unique_. + +SERAPHINA POPPS; + +OR, THE BEAUTY OF BLOOMSBURY. + +Seraphina Popps was the daughter of Mr. Hezekiah Popps, a highly +respectable pawnbroker, residing in ---- Street, Bloomsbury. Being an only +child, from her earliest infancy she wanted for 0, as everything had been +made ready to her [Symbol: hand hand]. + +She grew up as most little girls do, who live long enough, and became the +universal ![1] of all who knew her, for + + "None but herself could be her ||."[2] + +Amongst the most devoted of her admirers was Julian Fitzorphandale. +Seraphina was not insensible to the worth of Julian Fitzorphandale; and +when she received from him a letter, asking permission to visit her, she +felt some difficulty in replying to his ?[3]; for, at this very critical +.[4], an unamiable young man, named Augustus St. Tomkins, who possessed +considerable L. _s._ _d._ had become a suitor for her [Symbol: hand]. She +loved Fitzorphandale +[5] St. Tomkins, but the former was [Symbol: empty] +of money; and Seraphina, though sensitive to an extreme, was fully aware +that a competency was a very comfortable "appendix." + +She seized her pen, but found that her mind was all 6's and 7's. She spelt +Fitzorphandale, P-h-i-t-z; and though she commenced ¶[6] after ¶, she never +could come to a "finis." She upbraided her unlucky * *, either for making +Fitzorphandale so poor, or St. Tomkins so ugly, which he really was. In +this dilemma we must leave her at present. + +Although Augustus St. Tomkins was a [Symbol: Freemason][7], he did not +possess the universal benevolence which that ancient order inculcates; but +revolving in his mind the probable reasons for Seraphina's hesitation, he +came to this conclusion: she either loved him -[8] somebody else, or she +did not love him at all. This conviction only X[9] his worst feelings, and +he resolved that no [Symbol: scruple scruple][10] of conscience should +stand between him and his desires. + +On the following day, Fitzorphandale had invited Seraphina to a pic-nic +party. He had opened the &[11] placed some boiled beef and ^^[12] on the +verdant grass, when Seraphina exclaimed, in the mildest ``''[13], "I like +it well done, Fitzorphandale!" + +As Julian proceeded to supply his beloved one with a Sec.[14] +of the provender, St. Tomkins stood before them with a [Symbol: dagger][15] +in his [Symbol: hand]. + +Want of space compels us to leave the conclusion of this interesting +romance to the imagination of the reader, and to those ingenious +playwrights who so liberally supply our most popular authors with +gratuitous catastrophes. + + NOTES BY THE FLY-BOY. + + 1. Admiration. 2. Parallel. 3. Note of Interrogation. 4. Period. + 5. More than. 6. Paragraph. 7. Freemason. 8. Less than. + 9. Multiplied. 10. Scruples. 11. Hampers-and. 12. Carets. + 13. Accents. 14. Section. 15. Dagger. + + * * * * * + + +NEWS OF EXTRAORDINARY INTEREST. + +A mechanic in Berlin has invented a balance of extremely delicate +construction. Sir Robert Peel, it is said, intends to avail himself of the +invention, to keep his political principles so nicely balanced between Whig +and Tory, that the most accurate observer shall be unable to tell which way +they tend. + +The London Fire Brigade have received directions to hold themselves in +readiness at the meeting of Parliament, to extinguish any conflagration +that may take place, from the amazing quantity of inflammatory speeches and +political fireworks that will be let off by the performers on both sides of +the house. + +The following extraordinary inducement was held out by a solicitor, who +advertised last week in a morning paper, for an office-clerk; "A small +salary will be given, but he will have enough of _over-work_ to make up for +the deficiency." + + * * * * * + + +"MORE WAYS THAN ONE," &c. + +The incomplete state of the Treasury has been frequently lamented by all +lovers of good taste. We are happy to announce that a tablet is about to be +placed in the front of the building, with the following inscription:-- + + TREASURY. + FINISHED BY THE WIGS, + ANNO DOM. MDCCCXLI. + + * * * * * + + +A CON. BY TOM COOKE. + +Why is the common chord in music like a portion of the +Mediterranean?--Because it's the E G & C (AEgean Sea). + + * * * * * + + +[ILLUSTRATION] + +MONSIEUR JULLIEN. + + "One!"--crash! + "Two!"--clash! + "Three!"--dash! + "Four!"--smash! + Diminuendo, + Now crescendo:-- + Thus play the furious band, + Led by the kid-gloved hand + Of Jullien--that Napoleon of quadrille, + Of Piccolo-nians shrillest of the shrill; + Perspiring raver + Over a semi-quaver; + Who tunes his pipes so well, he'll tell you that + The natural key of Johnny Bull's--A flat. + Demon of discord, with mustaches cloven-- + Arch impudent _improver_ of Beethoven-- + Tricksy professor of _charlatanerie_-- + Inventor of musical artillery-- + Barbarous rain and thunder maker-- + Unconscionable money taker-- + Travelling about both near and far, + Toll to exact at every _bar_-- + What brings thee here again, + To desecrate old Drury's fane? + Egregious attitudiniser! + Antic fifer! com'st to advise her + 'Gainst intellect and sense to close her walls? + To raze her benches, + That Gallic wenches + Might play their brazen antics at masked balls? + _Ci-devant_ waiter + Of a _quarante-sous traiteur_, + Why did you leave your stew-pans and meat-oven, + To make a fricassee of the great Beet-hoven? + And whilst your piccolos unceasing squeak on, + Saucily serve Mozart with _sauce-piquant_; + Mawkishly cast your eyes to the cerulean-- + Turn Matthew Locke to _potage a la julienne_! + Go! go! sir, do, + Back to the _rue_, + Where lately you + Waited upon each hungry feeder, + Playing the _garcon_, not the leader. + Pray, put your hat on, + _Coupez votre baton._ + Bah + _Va!!_ + + * * * * * + + +CLAR' DE KITCHEN. + +It is now pretty well understood, that if the Tories come into office, +there will be a regular turn out of the present royal household. Her +Majesty, through the gracious condescension of the new powers, will be +permitted to retain her situation in the royal establishment, but on the +express condition that there shall be-- + +[ILLUSTRATION: NO FOLLOWERS ALLOWED.] + + * * * * * + + +A PARTY OF MEDALLERS. + +A subscription has been opened for a medal to commemorate the return of +Lord John Russell for the city of London. We would suggest that his speech +to the citizens against the corn-laws would form an appropriate inscription +for the face of the medal, while that to the Huntingdonshire farmers in +favour of them would be found just the thing for the _reverse_. + + * * * * * + + +A CHAPTER ON BOOTS. + +"Boots? Boots!" Yes, Boots! we can write upon boots--we can moralise upon +boots; we can convert them, as _Jacques_ does the weeping stag in "As You +Like It," (or, whether you like it or not,) into a thousand similes. First, +for--but, "our _sole's_ in arms and eager for the fray," and so we will at +once head our dissertation as we would a warrior's host with + +[Illustration] + +WELLINGTONS. + +These are the most judicious species of manufactured calf-skin; like their +great "godfather," they are perfect as a whole; from the binding at the top +to the finish at the toe, there is a beautiful unity about their +well-conceived proportions: kindly considerate of the calf, amiably +inclined to the instep, and devotedly serviceable to the whole foot, they +shed their protecting influence over all they encase. They are walked about +in not only as protectors of the feet, but of the honour of the wearer. +Quarrel with a man if you like, let your passion get its steam up even to +blood-heat, be magnificent while glancing at your adversary's Brutus, grand +as you survey his chin, heroic at the last button of his waistcoat, +unappeased at the very knees of his superior kersey continuations, +inexorable at the commencement of his straps, and about to become abusive +at his shoe-ties, the first cooler of your wrath will be the Hoby-like +arched instep of his genuine Wellingtons, which, even as a drop of oil upon +the troubled ocean, will extend itself over the heretofore ruffled surface +of your temper.--Now for + +[Illustration] + +BLUCHERS. + +Well, we don't like them. They are shocking impostors--walking discomforts! +They had no right to be made at all; or, if made, 'twas a sin for them to +be so christened (are Bluchers Christians?). + +They are Wellingtons cut down; so, in point of genius, was their baptismal +sponsor: but these are _vilely tied_, and that the hardy old Prussian would +never have been while body and soul held together. He was no beauty, but +these are decidedly ugly commodities, chiefly tenanted by swell purveyors +of cat's-meat, and burly-looking prize-fighters. They have the _fortiter in +re_ for kicking, but not the _suaviter in modo_ for corns. Look at them +villanously treed out at the "Noah's Ark" and elsewhere; what are they but +eight-and-six-penny worth of discomfort! They will no more accommodate a +decent foot than the old general would have turned his back in a charge, or +cut off his grizzled mustachios. If it wasn't for the look of the thing, +one might as well shove one's foot into a box-iron. We wouldn't be the man +that christened them, and take a trifle to meet the fighting old marshal, +even in a world of peace; in short, they are ambulating humbugs, and the +would-be respectables that wear 'em are a huge fraternity of "false +pretenders." Don't trust 'em, reader; they are sure to do you! there's +deceit in their straps, prevarication in their trousers, and connivance in +their distended braces. We never met but one exception to the above +rule--it was John Smith. Every reader has a friend of the name of John +Smith--in confidence, that _is_ the man. We would have sworn by him; in +fact, we did swear by him, for ten long years he was our oracle. Never +shall we forget the first, the only time our faith was shaken. We gazed +upon and loved his honest face; we reciprocated the firm pressure of his +manly grasp; our eyes descended in admiration even unto the ground on which +he stood, and there, upon that very ground--the ground whose upward growth +of five feet eight seemed Heaven's boast, an "honest man"--we saw what +struck us sightless to all else--a pair of Bluchers! + +We did not dream _his_ feet were in them; ten years' probation seemed to +vanish at the sight!--we wept! He spoke--could we believe our ears? "Marvel +of marvels!" despite the propinquity of the Bluchers, despite their +wide-spreading contamination, his voice was unaltered. We were puzzled! we +were like the first farourite when "he has a leg," or, "a LEG has him," +i.e., nowhere! + +John Smith coughed, not healthily, as of yore; it was a hollow emanation +from hypocritical lungs: he sneezed; it was a vile imitation of his +original "hi-catch-yew!" he invited us to dinner, suggested the best cut of +a glorious haunch--we had always had it in the days of the Wellingtons--now +our imagination conjured up cold plates, tough mutton, gravy thick enough +in grease to save the Humane Society the trouble of admonitory +advertisements as to the danger of reckless young gentlemen skating +thereon, and a total absence of sweet sauce and currant-jelly. We +paused--we grieved--John Smith saw it--he inquired the cause--we felt for +him, but determined, with Spartan fortitude, to speak the truth. Our native +modesty and bursting heart caused our drooping eyes once more to scan the +ground, and, next to the ground, the wretched Bluchers. But, joy of joys! +we saw them all! ay, all!--all--from the seam in the sides to the +leech-like fat cotton-ties. We counted the six lace-holes; we examined the +texture of the stockings above, "curious three-thread"--we gloated over the +trousers uncontaminated by straps, we hugged ourselves in the contemplation +of the naked truth. + +John Smith--our own John Smith--your John Smith--everybody's John +Smith--again entered the arm-chair of our affections, the fire of our love +stirred, like a self-acting poker, the embers of cooling good fellowship, +and the strong blaze of resuscitated friendship burst forth with all its +pristine warmth. John Smith wore Bluchers but he wore them like an honest +man; and he was the only specimen of the _genus homo_ (who sported +trowsers) that was above the weakness of tugging up his suspenders and +stretching his broadcloth for the contemptible purpose of giving a +fictitious, Wellingtonian appearance to his eight-and-sixpennies. + +[Illustration] + +ANKLE-JACKS, + +to indulge in the sporting phraseology of the _Racing Calendar_, appear to +be "got by Highlows out of Bluchers." They thrive chiefly in the +neighbourhoods of Houndsditch, Whitechapel, and Billingsgate. They attach +themselves principally to butchers' boys, Israelitish disposers of _vix_ +and _pinthils_, and itinerant misnomers of "live fish." On their first +introduction to their masters, by prigging or purchase, they represent some +of the glories of "Day and Martin;" but, strange to say, though little +skilled in the penman's art, their various owners appear to be imbued with +extraordinary veneration for the wholesome advice contained in the +round-text copy, wherein youths are admonished to "avoid useless +repetition," hence that polish is the Alpha and Omega of their shining +days. Their term of servitude varies from three to six weeks: during the +first they are fastened to the topmost of their ten holes; the next +fortnight, owing to the breaking of the lace, and its frequent knotting, +they are shorn of half their glories, and upon the total destruction of the +thong (a thing never replaced), it appears a matter of courtesy on their +parts to remain on at all. On some occasions various of their wearers have +transferred them as a legacy to very considerable mobs, without +particularly stating for which especial individual they were intended. This +kicking off their shoes "because they wouldn't die in them," has generally +proved but a sorry method of lengthening existence. + +[Illustration] + +HESSIANS, + +are little more than ambitious Wellingtons, curved at the top--wrinkled at +the bottom (showing symptoms of superannuation even in their infancy), and +betasselled in the front, offering what a _Wellington_ never did--a weak +point for an enemy to seize and shake at his pleasure. + +There's no "speculation" in them--they are entirely superficial: like a +shallow fellow, you at once see through, and know all about them. There is +no mystery as to the height they reach, how far they are polished, or the +description of leg they cling round. Save Count D'Oraay, we never saw a +calf in a pair of them--that is, we never saw a leg with a calf. Their +general tenants are speculative Jew clothesmen who have bought them "vorth +the monish" (at tenth hand), seedy chamber counsel, or still more seedy +collectors of rents. They are fast falling into decay; like _dogs_, they +have had their "Day (and Martin's") Acts, but both are past. But woh! ho! + +[Illustration] + +TOPS! TOPS!! TOPS!!! + +Derby!--Epsom!--Ledger!--Spring Summer, Autumn Meetings--Miles, +Half-miles--T.Y.C.--Hurdles, Heats, names, weights, colours of the +riders--jockies, jackets,--Dead +Heats--sweats--distances--trainings--scales--caps, and all--what would you +be without Top Boots? What! and echo answers--nothing! + +Ay, worse than nothing--a chancery suit without money--an Old Bailey +culprit without an _alibi_--a debtor without an excuse--a new play without +a titled author--a manager without impudence--a thief without a +character--a lawyer without a wig--or a Guy Faux without matches! + +Tops, you must be "made to measure." Wellingtons, Hessians, Bluchers, +Ankle-Jacks, and Highlows, can be chosen from, fitted, and tried on; but +_you_ must be measured for, lasted, back-strapped, top'd, wrinkled and +bottomed, according to order. + +So it is with your proprietors--the little men who ride the great running +horses. There's an impenetrable mystery about those little men--they _are_, +we know that, but we know not how. Bill Scott is in the secret--Chifney is +well aware of it--John Day could enlighten the world--but they won't! They +know the value of being "light characters"--their fame is as "a feather," +and _downey_ are they, even as the illustration of that fame. They conspire +together like so many little Frankensteins. The world is treated with a +very small proportion of very small jockeys; they never increase beyond a +certain number, which proves they are not born in the regular way: as the +old ones drop off, the young ones just fill their places, and not one to +spare. Whoever heard of a "mob of jockeys," a glut of "light-weights," or +even a handful of "feathers?"--no one! + +It's like Freemasonry--it's an awful mystery! Bill Scott knows all about +the one, and the Duke of Sussex knows all about the other, but the +uninitiated know nothing of either! Jockeys are wonders--so are their +boots! Crickets have as much calf, grasshoppers as much ostensible thigh; +and yet these superhuman specimens of manufactured leather fit like a +glove, and never pull the little gentlemen's legs off. That's the +extraordinary part of it; they never even so much as dislocate a joint! +Jockey bootmakers are wonderful men! Jockeys ain't men at all! + +Look, look, look! Oh, dear! do you see that little fellow, with his +merry-thought-like looking legs, clinging round that gallant bright +chesnut, thoro'bred, and sticking to his ribs as if he meant to crimp him +for the dinner of some gourmand curious in horse-flesh! There he is, +screwing his sharp knees into the saddle, sitting well up from his loins, +stretching his neck, curving his back, stiffening the wire-like muscles of +his small arms, and holding in the noble brute he strides, as a +saftey-valve controls the foaming steam; only loosing him at his very +pleasure. + +Look, look! there's the grey filly, with the other made-to-measure feather +on her back; do you notice how she has crawled up to the chesnut? Mark, +mark! his arms appear to be India-rubber! Mercy on us, how they stretch! +and the bridle, which looked just now like a solid bar of wrought iron, +begins to curve! See how gently he leans over the filly's neck; while the +chesnut's rider turns his eyes, like a boiled lobster, almost to the back +of his head! Oh, he's awake! he still keeps the lead: but the grey filly is +nothing but a good 'un. Now, the Top-boots riding her have become excited, +and commence tickling her sides with their flashing silver spurs, putting +an extra foot into every bound. She gains upon the chesnut! This is +something like a race! The distance-post is reached! The Top-boots on the +grey are at work again. Bravo! the tip of the white nose is beyond the +level of the opposing boots! Ten strides, and no change! "She must win!" +"No, she can't!" "Grey for ever!" "Chesnut for a hundred!" "Done! +done!"--Magnificent!--neck and neck!--splendid!--any body's race! Bravo +grey!--bravo chesnut!--bravo both! Ten yards will settle it. The chesnut +rider throws up his arms--a slight dash of blood soils the "Day and +Martin"--an earth-disdaining bound lands chesnut a winner of three thousand +guineas! and all the world are in raptures with the judgment displayed in +the last kick of the little man's TOP BOOTS. + +FUSBOS. + + * * * * * + + +HINTS ON MELO-DRAMATIC MUSIC. + +It has often struck us forcibly that the science of melo-dramatic music has +been hitherto very imperfectly understood amongst us. The art of making +"the sound an echo of the sense"--of expressing, by orchestral effects, the +business of the drama, and of forming a chromatic commentary to the +emotions of the soul and the motions of the body, has been shamefully +neglected on the English stage. Ignorant composers and ignoble fiddlers +have attempted to develop the dark mysteries and intricate horrors of the +melo-drama; but unable to cope with the grandeur of their subject, they +have been betrayed into the grossest absurdities. What, for instance, could +be more preposterous than to assign the same music for "storming a fort," +and "stabbing a virtuous father!" Equally ridiculous would it be to express +"the breaking of the sun through a fog," and "a breach of promise of +marriage;" or the "rising of a ghost," and the "entrance of a lady's maid," +in the same keys. + +The adaptation of the different instruments in the orchestra to the +circumstance of the drama, is also a matter of extreme importance. How +often has the effect of a highly-interesting suicide been destroyed by an +injudicious use of the trombone; and a scene of domestic distress been +rendered ludicrous by the intervention of the double-drum! + +If our musical composers would attend more closely than they have been in +the habit of doing, to the minutiae of the scene which is intrusted to them +to illustrate, and study the delicate lights and shades of human nature, as +we behold it nightly on the Surrey stage, we might confidently hope, at no +very distant period, to see melo-drama take the lofty position it deserves +in the histrionic literature of this country. We feel that there is a wide +field here laid open for the exercise of British talent, and have +therefore, made a few desultory mems. on the subject, which we subjoin; +intended as modest hints for the guidance of composers of melodramatic +music. The situations we have selected from the most popular Melos. of the +day; the music to be employed in each instance, we have endeavoured to +describe in such a manner as to render it intelligible to all our readers. + +Music for the entrance of a brigand in the dark, should be slow and +mysterious, with an effective double _bass_ in it. + +Ditto, for taking wine--an allegro, movement, with _da capo_ for the second +glass. + +Ditto, for taking porter, beer, or any other inferior swipes--a similar +movement, but not _con spirito_. + +Ditto, for the entrance of an attorney--a _coda_ in one sharp, 6-8 time. If +accompanied by a client, an accidental _flat_ may be introduced. + +Ditto, for discovering a lost babby--a simply _affettuoso_ strain, in a +_minor_ key. + +Ditto, for recognising a disguised count--a flourish of trumpets, and three +bars rest, to allow time for the countess to faint in his arms. + +Ditto, for concealing a lover in a closet, and the sudden appearance of the +father, guardian, or husband, as the case may be--a _prestissimo_ movement, +with an agitated _cadenza_. + +Ditto, for taking an oath or affidavit--slow, solemn music, with a marked +emphasis when the deponent kisses the book. + +Ditto, for a lover's vow--a tender, broken _adagio_. + +Ditto, for kicking a low comedy man--a brisk rapid _stoccato_ passage, with +a running accompaniment on the kettle-drums. + +The examples we have given above will sufficiently explain our views; but +there are a vast number of dramatic situations that we have not noticed, +which might be expressed by harmonious sounds, such as music for the +appearance of a dun or a devil--music for paying a tailor--music for +serving a writ--music for an affectionate embrace--music for ditto, very +warm--music for fainting--music for coming-to--music for the death of a +villain, with a confession of bigamy; and many others "too numerous to +mention;" but we trust from what we have said, that the subject will not be +lost sight of by those interested in the elevation of our national drama. + + * * * * * + + +THE RISING SUN. + +The residence of Sir Robert Peel has been so besieged of late by +place-hunters, that it has been aptly termed the _New Post Office_. + + * * * * * + + +THE PUNCH CORRESPONDENCE. + + In presenting the following epistle to my readers, it may be + necessary to apprise them, that it is the genuine production of my + eldest daughter, Julia, who has lately obtained the situation of + lady's-maid in the house of Mr. Samuel Briggs, an independent wax + and tallow-chandler, of Fenchurch-street, City, but who keeps his + family away from business, in fashionable style, in + Russell-square, Bloomsbury. The example of many of our most + successful literary _chiffonniers_, who have not thought it + disgraceful to publish scraps of private history and unedited + scandal, picked up by them in the houses to which they happened to + be admitted, will, it is presumed, sufficiently justify my + daughter in communicating, for the amusement of an enlightened + public, and the benefit of an affectionate parent, a few + circumstances connected with Briggs' family, with such + observations and reflections of her own as would naturally suggest + themselves to a refined and intelligent mind. Should this first + essay of a timid girl in the thorny path of literature be + favourably received by my friends and patrons, it will stimulate + her to fresh exertions; and, I fondly hope, may be the means of + placing her name in the same rank by those of Lady Morgan, Madame + Tussaud, Mrs. Glasse, the Invisible Lady, and other national + ornaments of the feminine species.--[PUNCH. + +Russl Squear, July 14. + +Dear PA,--I nose yew will he angxious to ear how I get on sins I left the +wing of the best of feathers. I am appy to say I am hear in a very +respeckble fammaly, ware they keeps too tawl footmen to my hand; one of +them is cawld John, and the other Pea-taw,--the latter is as vane as a +P-cock of his leggs, wich is really beutyful, and puffickly +streight--though the howskeaper ses he has bad angles; but some pipple loox +at things with only 1 i, and sea butt there defex. Mr. Wheazey is the +ass-matick butler and cotchman, who has lately lost his heir, and can't get +no moar, wich is very diffycult after a serting age, even with the help of +Rowland's Madagascar isle. Mrs. Tuffney, the howsekeaper, is a prowd and +oystere sort of person. I rather suspex that she's jellows of me and +Pea-taw, who as bean throwink ship's i's at me. She thinks to look down on +me, but she can't, for I hold myself up; and though we brekfists and t's at +the same _board_, I treat with a _deal_ of _hot-tar_, and shoes her how +much I dispeyses her supper-silly-ous conduck. Besides these indyvidules, +there's another dome-stick, wich I wish to menshun particlar--wich is the +paige Theodore, that, as the poat says, as bean + + "--contrived a double debt to pay, + A _paige_ at night--a _tigger_ all the day." + +In the mornink he's a tigger, drest in a tite froc-cote, top-boots, buxkin +smawl-closes, and stuck up behind Master Ahghustusses cab. In the heavening +he gives up the tigger, and comes out as the paige, in a fansy jackit, with +too rose of guilt buttings, wich makes him the perfeck immidge of Mr. +Widdycomb, that ice sea in the serkul at Hashley's Amphitheatre. The +paige's bisiness is to _weight_ on the ladies, wich is naterally _light_ +work; and being such a small chap, you may suppose they can never make +enuff of him. These are all the upper servants, of coarse, I shan't lower +myself by notusing the infearyour crechurs; such as the owsmade, coke, +_edcett rar_, but shall purceed drackly to the other potion of the fammaly, +beginning with the old guv'nor (as Pee-taw cawls him), who as no idear of i +life, and, like one of his own taller lites, has only _dipped_ into good +sosiety. Next comes Missus:--in fact, I ot to have put her fust, for the +grey mayor is the best boss in our staybill, (Exkews the wulgarisrm.) After +Missus, I give persedince to Mr. Ahghustuss, who, bean the only sun in the +house, is natrally looked up to by everybody in it. He as bean brot up a +perfick genelman, at Oxfut, and is consekently fond of spending his knights +in _le trou de charbon_, and afterwards of skewering the streets--twisting +double knockers, pulling singlebelles, and indulging in other fashonable +divertions, to wich the low-minded polease, and the settin madgistrets have +strong objexions. His Pa allows him only sicks hundred a-year, wich isn't +above 1/2 enuff to keep a cabb, a cupple of hosses, and other thinks, which +it's not necessary to elude to here. Isn't it ogious to curb so fine a +spirit? I wish you see him, Pa; such i's, and such a pear of beutyful black +musquitoes on his lip--enuff to turn the hidds of all the wimming he meats. +The other membranes of this fammaly are the 3 dorters--Miss Sofiar, Miss +Selinar, and Miss Jorgina, wich are all young ladyes, full groan, and goes +in public characters to the Kaledonian bawls, and is likewise angxious to +get off hands as soon as a feverable opportunity hoffers. It's beleaved the +old guv'nor can give them ten thowsand lbs. a-peace, wich of coarse will +have great weight with a husband. There's some Qrious stoaries going--Law! +there's Missuses bell. I must run up-stairs, so must conclewd obroply, but +hope to resoom my pen necks weak. + +Believe me, my dear Pa, +Your affeckshnt +JULIA PUNCH. + + * * * * * + + +CHARACTERISTIC CORRESPONDENCE. + +The following notes actually passed between two (_now_) celebrated +comedians:-- + + Dear J----, Send me a shilling. + Yours, B----, + P.S.--On second thoughts, make it _two_. + +To which his friend replied-- + + Dear B----, I have but one shilling in the world. + Yours, J----, + P.S.--On second thoughts, I want that for dinner. + + * * * * * + + +A young artist in Picayune takes such perfect likenesses, that a lady +married the portrait of her lover instead of the original. + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH AND PEEL. + +Arcades ambo. + +READER.--God bless us, Mr. PUNCH! who is that tall, fair-haired, somewhat +parrot-faced gentleman, smiling like a schoolboy over a mess of treacle, +and now kissing the tips of his five fingers as gingerly as if he were +doomed to kiss a nettle? + +PUNCH.--That, Mr. Reader, is the great cotton-plant, Sir Robert Peel; and +at this moment he has, in his own conceit, seized upon "the white wonder" +of Victoria's hand, and is kissing it with Saint James's devotion. + +READER.--What for, Mr. PUNCH? + +PUNCH.--What for! At court, Mr. Reader, you always kiss when you obtain an +honour. 'Tis a very old fashion, sir--old as the court of King David. Well +do I recollect what a smack Uriah gave to his majesty when he was appointed +to the post which made Bathsheba a widow. Poor Uriah! as we say of the +stag, that was when his horns were in the velvet. + +READER.--_You_ recollect it, Mr. PUNCH!--_you_ at the court of King David! + +PUNCH.--I, Mr. Reader, I!--and at every court, from the court of Cain in +Mesopotamia to the court of Victoria in this present, flinty-hearted +London; only the truth is, as I have travelled I have changed my name. +Bless you, half the _Proverbs_ given to Solomon are mine. What I have lost +by keeping company with kings, not even Joseph Hume can calculate. + +READER.--And are you really in court confidence at this moment? + +PUNCH.--Am I? What! Hav'n't you heard of the elections? Have you not heard +the shouts _Io Punch_? Doesn't my nose glow like coral--ar'n't my chops +radiant as a rainbow--hath not my hunch gone up at least two inches--am I +not, from crown to toe-nails, brightened, sublimated? Like Alexander--he +was a particular friend of mine, that same Alexander, and therefore stole +many of my best sayings--I only know that I am mortal by two sensations--a +yearning for loaves and fishes, and a love for Judy. + +READER.--And you really take office under Peel? + +PUNCH.--Ha! ha! ha! A good joke! Peel takes office under _me_. Ha! ha! I'm +only thinking what sport I shall have with the bedchamber women. But out +they must go. The constitution gives a minister the selection of his own +petticoats; and therefore there sha'n't be a yard of Welsh flannel about +her Majesty that isn't of my choice. + +READER.--Do you really think that the royal bedchamber is in fact a third +house of Parliament--that the affairs of the state are always to be put in +the feminine gender? + +PUNCH.--Most certainly: the ropes of the state rudder are nothing more than +cap-ribbons; if the minister hav'n't hold of them, what can he do with the +ship? As for the debates in parliament, they have no more to do with the +real affairs of the country than the gossip of the apple-women in +Palace-yard. They're made, like the maccaroni in Naples, for the poor to +swallow; and so that they gulp down length, they think, poor fellows, they +get strength. But for the real affairs of the country! Who shall tell what +correspondence can be conveyed in a warming-pan, what intelligence--for + + "There may be wisdom in a papillote"-- + +may be wrapt up in the curl-papers of the Crown? What subtle, sinister +advice may, by a crafty disposition of royal pins, be given on the royal +pincushion? What minister shall answer for the sound repose of Royalty, if +he be not permitted to make Royalty's bed? How shall he answer for the +comely appearance of Royalty, if he do not, by his own delegated hands, +lace Royalty's stays? I shudder to think of it; but, without the key of the +bedchamber, could my friend Peel be made responsible for the health of the +Princess? Instead of the very best and most scrupulously-aired diaper, +might not--by negligence or design, it matters not which--the Princess +Royal be rolled in an Act of Parliament, wet from Hansard's press? + +READER.--Dreadful, soul perturbing suggestion! Go on, Mr. PUNCH. + +PUNCH.--Not but what I think it--if their constitution will stand damp +paper--an admirable way of rearing young princesses. Queen Elizabeth--my +wife Judy was her wet nurse--was reared after that fashion. + +READER.--David Hume says nothing of it. + +PUNCH.--David Hume was one of the wonders of the earth--he was a lazy +Scotchman; but had he searched the State Paper Office, he would have found +the documents there--yes, the very Acts of Parliament--the very printed +rollers. To those rollers Queen Elizabeth owed her knowledge of the English +Constitution. + +READER.--Explain--I can't see how. + +PUNCH.--Then you are very dull. Is not Parliament the assembled wisdom of +the country? + +READER.--By a fiction, Mr. PUNCH. + +PUNCH--Very well, Mr. Reader; what's all the world but a fiction? I say, +the assembled wisdom; an Act of Parliament is the sifted wisdom of the +wise--the essence of an essence. Very well; know you not the mystic, the +medicinal effects of printer's ink? The devil himself isn't proof to a +blister of printer's ink. Well, you take an Act of Parliament--and what is +it but the finest plaster of the finest brains--wet, reeking wet from the +press. Eschewing diaper, you roll the Act round the royal infant; you roll +it up and pin it in the conglomerated wisdom of the nation. Now, consider +the tenderness of a baby's cuticle; the pores are open, and a rapid and +continual absorption takes place, so that long before the Royal infant cuts +its first tooth, it has taken up into its system the whole body of the +Statutes. + +READER.--Might not some patriots object to the application of the wisdom of +the country to so domestic a purpose? + +PUNCH.--Such patriots are more squeamish than wise. Sir, how many grown up +kings have we had, who have shown no more respect for the laws of the +country, than if they had been swaddled in 'em? + +READER.--Do you think your friend Sir Robert is for statute rollers? + +PUNCH.--I can answer for Sir Robert on every point. His first attack before +he kisses hands--and he has, as you perceive, been practising this +half-hour--will be upon the women of the bedchamber. The war with +China--the price of sugar--the corn-laws--the fourteen new Bishops about to +be hatched--timber--cotton--a property tax, and the penny post--all these +matters and persons are of secondary importance to this greater +question--whether the female who hands the Queen her gown shall think Lord +Melbourne a "very pretty fellow in his day;" or whether she shall believe +my friend Sir Robert to be as great a conjuror as Roger Bacon or the Wizard +of the North--if the lady can look upon O'Connell and not call for burnt +feathers or scream for _sal volatile_; or if she really thinks the Pope to +be a woman with a naughty name, clothed in most exceptionable scarlet. It +is whether Lady Mary thinks black, or Lady Clementina thinks white; whether +her father who begot her voted with the Marquis of Londonderry or Earl +Grey--_that_ is the grand question to be solved, before my friend Sir +Robert can condescend to be the saviour of his country. To have the +privilege of making a batch of peers, or a handful of bishops is nothing, +positively nothing--no, the crowning work is to manufacture a lady's maid. +What's a mitre to a mob-cap--what the garters of a peer to the garters of +the Lady Adeliza? + +READER.--You are getting warm, Mr. PUNCH--very warm. + +PUNCH.--I always do get warm when I talk of the delicious sex: for though +now and then I thrash my wife before company, who shall imagine how cosy we +are when we're alone? Do you not remember that great axiom of Sir +Robert's--an axiom that should make Machiavelli howl with envy--that "_the +battle of the Constitution is to fought in the bedchamber_." + +READER.--I remember it. + +PUNCH.--That was a great sentence. Had Sir Robert known his true fame, he +would never after have opened his mouth. + +READER.--Has the Queen sent for Sir Robert yet? + +PUNCH.--No: though I know he has staid at home these ten days, and answers +every knock at the door himself, in expectation of a message. + +READER.--They say the Queen doesn't like Sir Robert. + +PUNCH.--I'm also told that her Majesty has a great antipathy to physic--yet +when the Constitution requires medicine, why-- + +READER.--Sir Robert must be swallowed. + +PUNCH.--Exactly so. We shall have warm work of it, no doubt--but I fear +nothing, when we have once got rid of the women. And then, we have a few +such nice wenches of our own to place about her Majesty; the Queen shall +take Conservatism as she might take measles--without knowing it. + +READER.--And when, Mr. PUNCH--when you have got rid of the women, what do +you and Sir Robert purpose then? + +PUNCH.--I beg your pardon: we shall meet again next week: it's now two +o'clock. I have an appointment with half-a-dozen of my godsons; I have +promised them all places in the new government, and they're come to take +their choice. + +READER.--Do tell me this: Who has Peel selected for Commander of the +Forces? + +PUNCH.--Who? Colonel Sibthorp. + +READER.--And who for Chancellor of the Exchequer? + +PUNCH.--Mr. Henry Moreton Dyer! + + * * * * * + + +PUNCH'S PENCILLINGS.--No. II. + +[Illustration: HERCULES TEARING THESEUS FROM THE ROCK TO WHICH HE HAD +GROWN. + +(MODERNIZED.) + +APOLLODORUS relates that THESEUS sat so long on a rock, that at length he +grew to it, so that when HERCULES tore him forcibly away, he left all the +nether part of the man behind him.] + + * * * * * + + +THE ELECTION OF BALLINAFAD. + +(FROM OUR SPECIAL CORRESPONDENT.) + + +We have been at considerable expense in procuring the subjoined account of +the election which has just terminated in the borough of Ballinafad, in +Ireland. Our readers may rest assured that our report is perfectly +exclusive, being taken, as the artists say, "on the spot," by a special +bullet-proof reporter whom we engaged, at an enormous expense, for this +double hazardous service. + +BALLINAFAD, 20th JULY. + +_Tuesday Morning, Eight o'clock._--The contest has begun! The struggle for +the independence of Ballinafad has commenced! Griggles, the opposition +candidate, is in the field, backed by a vile faction. The rank, wealth, and +independence of Ballinafad are all ranged under the banner of Figsby and +freedom. A party of Griggles' voters have just marched into the town, +preceded by a piper and a blind fiddler, playing the most obnoxious tunes. +A barrel of beer has been broached at Griggles' committee-rooms. We are all +in a state of the greatest excitement. + +_Half-past Eight._--Mr. Figsby is this moment proceeding from his hotel to +the hustings, surrounded by his friends and a large body of the independent +teetotal electors. A wheelbarrow full of rotten eggs has been sent up to +the hustings, to be used, as occasion requires, by the Figsby voters, who +are bent upon + +[Illustration: "GOING THE WHOLE HOG."] + +A serious riot has occurred at the town pump, where two of the independent +teetotalers have been ducked by the opposite party. Stones are beginning to +fly in all directions. A general row is expected. + +_Nine o'clock._--Polling has commenced. Tom Daly, of Galway, the fighting +friend of Mr. Figsby, has just arrived, with three brace of duelling +pistols, and a carpet-bag full of powder and ball. This looks like +business. I have heard that six of Mr. Figsby's voters have been locked up +in a barn by Griggles' people. The poll is proceeding vigorously. + +_Ten o'clock._--State of the poll to this time:-- + + Figsby 19 + Griggles 22 + +The most barefaced bribery is being employed by Griggles. A lady, known to +be in his interest, was seen buying half-a-pound of tea, in the shop of Mr. +Fad, the grocer, for which she paid with a whole sovereign, _and took no +change_. _Two legs of mutton_ have also been sent up to Griggles' house, by +Reilly, the butcher. Heaven knows what will be the result. The voting is +become serious--four men with fractured skulls have, within these ten +minutes, been carried into the apothecary's over the way. A couple of +policemen have been thrown over the bridge; but we are in too great a state +of agitation to mind trifles. + +_Half-past Twelve o'clock._--State of the poll to this time:-- + + Figsby 27 + Griggles 36 + +You can have no idea of the frightful state of the town. The faction are +employing all sorts of bribery and intimidation. The wife of a liberal +greengrocer has just been seen with the Griggles ribbons in her cap. Five +pounds have been offered for a sucking-pig. Figsby must come in, +notwithstanding two cart-loads of the temperance voters are now riding up +to the poll, most of them being too drunk to walk. Three duels have been +this morning reported. Results not known. The coroner has been holding +inquests in the market-house all the morning. + +_Three o'clock._--State of the poll to this time:-- + + Figsby 45 + Griggles 39 + +The rascally corrupt assessor has decided that the temperance electors who +came up to vote for the Liberal candidate, being too drunk to speak, were +disentitled to vote. Some dead men had been polled by Griggles. + +The verdict of the coroner's inquest on those who unfortunately lost their +lives this morning, has been, "Found dead." Everybody admires the sagacious +conclusion at which the jury have arrived. It is reported that Figsby has +resigned! I am able to contradict the gross falsehood. Mr. F. is now +addressing the electors from his committee-room window, and has this +instant received a plumper--in the eye--in the shape of a rotten potato. I +have ascertained that the casualties amount to no more than six men, two +pigs, and two policemen, killed; thirteen men, women, and children, +wounded. + +_Four o'clock_--State of the poll up to this time:-- + + Figsby 29 + Griggles 41 + +The poll-clerks on both sides are drunk, the assessor has closed the +booths, and I am grieved to inform you that Griggles has just been duly +elected. + +_Half past Four o'clock._--Figsby has given Grigglcs the lie on the open +hustings. Will Griggles fight? + +_Five o'clock._--His wife insists he shall; so, of course, he must. I hear +that a message has just been delivered to Figsby. Tom Daly and his +carpet-bag passed under my window a few minutes ago. + +_Half-past Five o'clock._--Two post-chaises have just dashed by at full +speed--I got a glimpse of Tom Daly smoking a cigar in one of them. + +_Six o'clock._--I open my letter to tell you that Figsby is the favourite; +3 to 1 has been offered at the club, that he wings his man; and 3 to 2 that +he drills him. The public anxiety is intense. + +_Half-past Six._--I again open my letter to say, that I have nothing +further to add, except that the betting continues in favour of the popular +candidate. + +_Seven o'clock._--Huzza!--Griggles is shot! The glorious principles of +constitutional freedom have been triumphant! The town is in an uproar of +delight! We are making preparations to illuminate. BALLINAFAD IS SAVED! +FIGSBY FOR EVER! + + * * * * * + + +EPIGRAM. + + Lord Johnny from Stroud thought it best to retreat. + Being certain of getting the sack, + So he ran to the City, and begged for a seat, + Crying, "Please to _re-member Poor Jack_!" + + * * * * * + + +CONUNDRUMS BY COL. SIBTHORP. + +Why is a tall nobleman like a poker?--Because he's a _high'un_ belonging to +the _great_. + +Why is a defunct mother like a dog?--Because she's a _ma-stiff_. + +When is _a horse_ like _a herring?_--When he's _hard rode_. + + * * * * * + + +EPIGRAM ON SEEING AN EXECUTION. + + One morn, two friends before the Newgate drop, + To see a culprit throttled, chanced to stop: + "Alas!" cried one as round in air he spun, + "That miserable wretch's _race is run_." + "True," said the other drily, "to his cost, + The race is run--but, by a _neck_ 'tis lost." + + * * * * * + + +FASHIONABLE ARRIVALS. + +Lord John Russell has arrived at a conviction--that the Whigs are not so +popular as they were. + +Sir Peter Laurie has arrived at the conclusion--that Solon was a greater +man than himself. + + * * * * * + + +THE POET FOILED. + + To win the maid the poet tries, + And sonnets writes to Julia's eyes;-- + She likes a _verse_--but cruel whim, + She still appears _a-verse_ to him. + + * * * * * + + +A most cruel hoax has recently been played off upon that deserving class +the housemaids of London, by the insertion of an advertisement in the +morning papers, announcing that a servant in the above capacity was wanted +by Lord Melbourne. Had it been for a _cook_, the absurdity would have been +too palpable, as Melbourne has frequently expressed his opposition to +sinecures. + + * * * * * + + +ECCLESIASTICAL TRANSPORTATION. + + Now B--y P--l has beat the Whigs, + The Church can't understand + Why Bot'ny Bay should be all sea, + And have no _see_ on land. + + For such a lamentable want + Our good Archbishop grieves; + 'Tis very strange the Tories should + Remind him _of the thieves!_ + + * * * * * + + +EPIGRAM. + +An American paper tells us of a woman named Dobbs, who was killed in a +preaching-house at Nashville, by the fall of a chandelier on her head. +Brett's Patent Brandy poet, who would as soon make a witticism on a cracked +crown as a cracked bottle, has sent us the following:-- + + "The _light of life_ comes from above," + Old Dingdrum snuffling said; + "The _light_ came down on Peggy Dobbs, + And Peggy Dobbs was _dead_." + + * * * * * + + +A man in Kentucky was so absent, that he put himself on the toasting-fork, +and did not discover his mistake until he was _done brown_. + + * * * * * + + +CONSISTENCY. + + No wonder Tory landlords flout + "Fix'd Duty," for 'tis plain, + With them the Anti-Corn-Law Bill + Must _go against the grain._ + + * * * * * + + +The anticipated eruption of Mount Vesuvius is said to have been prevented +by throwing a box of Holloway's Ointment into the crater. + + * * * * * + + +THE SAILOR'S SECRET. + +In the year--let me see--but no matter about the date--my father and mother +died of a typhus fever, leaving me to the care of an only relative, and +uncle, by my father's side. His name was Box, as my name is Box. I was a +babby in long clothes at that time, not even so much as christened; so +uncle, taking the hint, I suppose, from the lid of his sea-chest, had me +called Bellophron Box. Bellophron being the name of the ship of which he +was sailing-master. + +I sha'n't say anything about my education; though I was brought up in + +[Illustration: A FIRST RATE BOARDING-SCHOOL.] + +It's not much to boast of; but as soon as I could bear the weight of a +cockade and a dirk, uncle got me a berth as midshipman on board his own +ship. So there I was, _Mr._ Bellophron Box. I didn't like the sea or the +service, being continually disgusted at the partiality shown towards me, +for in less than a month I was put over the heads of all my superior +officers. You may stare--but it's true; for _I was mast-headed_ for a week +at a stretch. When we put into port, Captain ---- called me into his cabin, +and politely informed me that if I chose to go on shore, and should find it +inconvenient to return, no impertinent inquiries should be made after me. I +availed myself of the hint, and exactly one year and two months after +setting foot on board the Bellophron, I was _Master_ Bellophron Box again. + +Well, now for my story. There was one Tom Johnson on board, a _fok'sell_ +man, as they called him, who was very kind to me; he tried to teach me to +turn a quid, and generously helped me to drink my grog. As I was +unmercifully quizzed in the cockpit, I grew more partial to the society of +Tom than to that of my brother middies. Tom always addressed me,'Sir,' and +they named me Puddinghead; till at last we might be called friends. During +many a night-watch, when I have sneaked away for a snooze among the +hen-coops, has Tom saved me from detection, and the consequent pleasant +occupation of carrying about a bucket of water on the end of a capstan bar. + +I had been on board about a month--perhaps two--when the order came down +from the Admiralty, for the men to cut off their tails. Lord, what a scene +was there! I wonder it didn't cause a mutiny! I think it would have done +so, but half the crew were laid up with colds in their heads, from the +suddenness of the change, though an extra allowance of rum was served out +to rub them with to prevent such consequences; but the purser not giving +any definite directions, whether the application was to be external or +internal, the liquor, I regret to say, for the honour of the British navy, +was applied much lower down. For some weeks the men seemed half-crazed, and +were almost as unmanageable as ships that had lost their rudders. Well, so +they had! It was a melancholy sight to see piles of beautiful tails with +little labels tied to them, like the instructions on a physic-bottle; each +directed to some favoured relative or sweetheart of the _curtailed_ seamen. +What a strange appearance must Portsmouth, and Falmouth, and Plymouth, and +all the other mouths that are filled with sea-stores, have presented, when +the precious remembrances were distributed! I wish some artist would +consider it; for I think it's a shame that there should be no record of +such an interesting circumstance. + +One night, shortly after this visitation, it blew great guns. Large black +clouds, like chimney-sweepers' feather-beds, scudded over our heads, and +the rain came pouring down like--like winking. Tom had been promoted, and +was sent up aloft to reef a sail, when one of the horses giving way, down +came Tom Johnson, and snap went a leg and an arm. I was ordered to see him +carried below, an office which I readily performed, for I liked the +man--and they don't allow umbrellas in the navy. + +"What's the matter?" said the surgeon. + +"Nothing particular, sir; on'y Tom's broke his legs and his arms by a fall +from the yard," replied a seaman. + +Tom groaned, as though he _did_ consider it something _very_ particular. + +He was soon stripped and the shattered bones set, which was no easy matter, +the ship pitching and tossing about as she did. I sat down beside his +berth, holding on as well as I could. The wind howled through the rigging, +making the vessel seem like an infernal Eolian harp; the thunder rumbled +like an indisposed giant, and to make things more agreeable, a gun broke +from its lashings, and had it all its own way for about a quarter of an +hour. Tom groaned most pitiably. I looked at him, and if I were to live for +a thousand years, I shall never forget the expression of his face. His lips +were blue, and--no matter, I'm not clever at portrait painting: but imagine +an old-fashioned Saracen's Head--not the fine handsome fellow they have +stuck on Snow Hill, but one of the griffins of 1809--and you have Tom's +phiz, only it wants touching with all the colours of a painter's palette. I +was quite frightened, and could only stammer out, "Why T-o-o-m!" + +"It's all up, sir," says he; "I must go; I feel it." + +"Don't be foolish," I replied; "Don't die till I call the surgeon." It was +a stupid speech, I acknowledge, but I could not help it at the time. + +"No, no; don't call the surgeon, Mr. Box; he's done all he can, sir. But +it's here--it's here!" and then he made an effort to thump his heart, or +the back of his head, I couldn't make out which. + +I trembled like a jelly. I had once seen a melodrama, and I recollected +that the villain of the piece had used the same action, the same words. + +"Mr. Box," groaned Tom, "I've a-a-secret as makes me very uneasy, sir," + +"Indeed, Tom," I replied; "hadn't you better confess the mur--" murder, I +was a going to say, but I thought it might not be polite, considering Tom's +situation. + +The ruffian, for such he looked then, tried to raise himself, but another +lurch of the Bellophron sent him on his back, and myself on my beam-ends. +As soon as I recovered my former position, Tom continued-- + +"Mr. Box, dare I trust you, sir? if I could do so, I'm sartin as how I +should soon be easier." + +"Of course," said I, "of course; out with it, and I promise never to betray +your confidence." + +"Then come, come here," gasped the suffering wretch; "give us your hand, +sir." + +I instinctively shrunk back with horror! + +"Don't be long, Mr. Box, for every minute makes it worse," and then his +Saracen's Head changed to a feminine expression, and resembled the _Belle +Sauvage_. + +I couldn't resist the appeal; so placing my hand in his, Tom put it over +his shoulder, and, with a ghastly smile, said, "Pull it out, sir!" + +"Pull what out?" + +"My secret, Mr. Box; it's hurting on me!" + +I thought that he had grown delirious; so, in order to soothe him as much +as possible, I forced my hand under his shirt-collar, and what do you think +I found? Why, a PIGTAIL--his pigtail, which he had contrived to conceal +between his shirt and his skin, when the barbarous order of the Admiralty +had been put into execution. + +[Illustration: A NAUTICAL TALE.] + + * * * * * + + +SONGS FOR THE SENTIMENTAL. + +No. II. + + You say you would find + But one, and one only, + Who'd feel without you + That the revel was lonely: + That when you were near, + Time ever was fleetest, + And deem your loved voice + Of all music the sweetest. + Who would own her heart thine, + Though a monarch beset it, + And love on unchanged-- + Don't you wish you may get it? + + You say you would rove + Where the bud cannot wither; + Where Araby's perfumes + Each breeze wafteth thither. + Where the lute hath no string + That can waken a sorrow; + Where the soft twilight blends + With the dawn of the morrow; + Where joy kindles joy, + Ere you learn to forget it, + And care never comes-- + Don't you wish you may get it? + + * * * * * + + +"SYLLABLES WHICH BREATHE OF THE SWEET SOUTH." + +JOEY HUME is about to depart for Switzerland: for, finding his flummery of +no avail at Leeds, we presume he intends to go to _Schaff_-hausen, to try +the _Cant_-on. + + +MARRIAGE AND CHRISTENING EXTRAORDINARY. + +We beg to congratulate Lord John Russell on his approaching union with Lady +Fanny Elliot. His lordship is such a persevering votary of Hymen, that we +think he should be named "_Union-Jack_." + + * * * * * + + +OMINOUS. + +LORD PALMERSTON, on his road to Windsor, narrowly escaped being upset by a +gentleman in a gig. We have been privately informed that the party with +whom he came in collision was--Sir Robert Peel. + + * * * * * + + +CROSS READINGS. + + (REC.) + If you ever should be + In a state of _ennui_, + Just listen to me, + And without any fee + I'll give you a hint how to set yourself free. + Though dearth of intelligence weaken the news, + And you feel an incipient attack of the blues, + For amusement you never need be at a loss, + If you take up the paper and _read it_ across. + (INTER ARIA DEMI LOQUI.) + Here's the _Times_, apropos, + And so, + With your patience, I'll show + What I mean, by perusing a passage or two. + (ARIA.) + "Hem! Mr. George Robins is anxious to tell, + In very plain prose, he's instructed to sell"-- + "A vote for the county"--"packed neatly in straw"-- + "Set by Holloway's Ointment"--"a limb of the law." + "The army has had secret orders to seize"-- + "As soon as they can"--"the industrious fleas." + For amusement you never need be at a loss, + If you take a newspaper and read it across. + + "The opera opens with"--"elegant coats"-- + "For silver and gold we exchange foreign notes"-- + "Specific to soften mortality's ills"-- + "And cure Yorkshire bacon"--"take Morison's pills." + "Curious coincidence"--"steam to Gravesend." + "Tale of deep interest"--"money to lend"-- + "Louisa is waiting for William to send." + For amusement you never need be at a loss, + If you take a newspaper and read it across. + + "For relief of the Poles"--"an astounding feat!"-- + "A respectable man"--"for a water will eat"-- + "The Macadamised portion of Parliament-street." + "Mysterious occurrence!"--"expected _incog_." + "To be viewed by cards only"--"a terrible fog." + "At eight in the morning the steam carriage starts"-- + "Takes passengers now"--"to be finished in parts." + For amusement you never need be at a loss, + If you take a newspaper and read it across. + + "Left in a cab, and"--"the number not known" + "A famous prize ox, weighing 200 stone"-- + "He speaks with a lisp"--"has a delicate shape"-- + "And had _on_, when he quitted, a Macintosh cape." + "For China direct, a fine"--"dealer in slops." + "To the curious in shaving"--"new way to dress chops." + "Repeal of the corn"--"was roasted for lunch"-- + "Teetotal beverage "--"Triumph of PUNCH!" + For amusement you never need be at a loss, + If you take a newspaper and read it across. + + * * * * * + + +A CON. BY DUNCOMBE. + +"Why are four thousand eight hundred and forty yards of land obtained on +credit like a drinking song?"--"Because it's _an-acre-on-tic_."--"I think I +had you there!" + + * * * * * + + +A WOOD CUT. + +A correspondent of one of the morning papers exultingly observes, that the +_wood-blocks_ which are about being removed from Whitehall are in +_excellent condition_. If this is an allusion to the present ministry, we +should say, emphatically, NOT. + + * * * * * + + +REVENGE IS SWEET. + +The Tories in Beverley have been wreaking their vengeance on their +opponents at the late election, by ordering their tradesmen who voted +against the Conservative candidate to _send in their bills_. Mr. Duncombe +declares that this is a mode of revenge he never would condescend to adopt. + + * * * * * + + + If Farren, cleverest of men, + Should go to the right about, + What part of town will he be then?-- + Why, _Farren-done-without!_ + + * * * * * + + +"WHAT HO! APOTHECARY." + +Cox, a pill-doctor at Leeds, it is reported, modestly requested a check for +L10, for the honour of his vote. Had his demand been complied with, we +presume the bribe would have been endorsed, "This draught to be taken at +poll time." + + * * * * * + + +QUESTION BY THE DISOWNED OF NOTTINGHAM. + +Why do men who are about to fight a duel generally choose a _field_ for the +place of action? + + +ANSWER BY COLONEL SIBTHORP. + +I really cannot tell; unless it be for the purpose of allowing the balls to +_graze_. + + * * * * * + + +REVIEW. + +_Two Prize Essays_. By LORD MELBOURNE and SIR ROBERT PEEL. 8 vols. folio. +London: Messrs. SOFTSKIN and TINGLE, Downing-street. + +We congratulate the refined and sensitive publishers on the production of +these elaborately-written gilt-edged folios, and trust that no remarks will +issue from the press calculated to affect the digestion of any of the +parties concerned. The sale of the volumes will, no doubt, be commensurate +with the public spirit, the wisdom, and the benevolence which has uniformly +characterised the career of their illustrated authors. Two more +_statesmanlike_ volumes never issued from the press; in fact, the books may +be regarded as typical of _all_ statesmen. The subject, or rather the line +of argument, is thus designated by the respective writers:-- + +ESSAY I.--"On the Fine Art of Government, or how to do the least possible +good to the country in the longest possible time, and enjoy, meanwhile, the +most ease and luxury." By LORD MELBOURNE. + +ESSAY II.--"On the Science of Governing, or how to do the utmost possible +good for ourselves in the shortest possible time, under the name of our +altars, and our throne, and everybody that is good and wise." By SIR ROBERT +PEEL. + +We are quite unable to enter into a review of these very costly +productions, an estimate of the _value_ of which the public will be sure to +receive from "authority," and be required to meet the amount, not only with +cheerful loyalty, but a more weighty and less noisy _acknowledgment_. + +As to the Prize, it has been adjudged by PUNCH to be divided equally +between the two illustrious essayists; to the one, in virtue of his +incorrigible laziness, and to the other, in honour of his audacious +rapacity. + + * * * * * + + +TO THE LAUGHTER-LOVING PUBLIC. + +PUNCH begs to inform the inhabitants of Great Britain, Ireland, and the +Isle of Dogs, that he has just opened on an entirely new line, an Universal +Comic Railroad, and Cosmopolitan Pleasure Van for the transmission of _bon +mots_, puns, witticisms, humorous passengers, and queer figures, to every +part of the world. The engines have been constructed on the most laughable +principles, and being on the high-pressure principle, the manager has +provided a vast number of patent anti-explosive fun-belts, to secure his +passengers against the danger of suddenly bursting. + +The train starts every Saturday morning, under the guidance of an +experienced punster. The departure of the train is always attended with +immense laughter, and a tremendous rush to the booking-office. PUNCH, +therefore, requests those who purpose taking places to apply early, as +there will be no + +[Illustration: RESERVED SEATS!] + +N.B.--Light jokes booked, and forwarded free of expense. Heavy articles not +admitted at any price. + +*** Wanted an epigrammatic porter, who can carry on a smart dialogue, and +occasionally deliver light jokes. + + * * * * * + + +CHANT. + +TO OLD FATHER TIME. + + Time--old Time--whither away? + Linger a moment with us, I pray; + Too soon thou spreadest thy wings for flight; + Dip, boy, dip + In the bowl thy lip, + And be jolly, old Time, with us to-night. + Dip, dip, &c. + + Time--old Time--thy scythe fling down; + Garland thy pate with a myrtle crown, + And fill thy goblet with rosy wine;-- + Fill, fill up, + The joy-giving cup, + Till it foams and flows o'er the brim like mine. + Fill, fill, &c. + + Time--old Time--sighing is vain, + Pleasure from thee not a moment can gain; + Fly, old greybeard, but leave us your glass + To fill as we please, + And drink at our ease, + And count by our brimmers the hours as they pass. + + * * * * * + + +THE DRAMA + + +ROMEO AND JULIET. + +Italy! land of love and maccaroni, of pathos and puppets--tomb of Romeo and +Juliet--birth-place of Punch and Judy--region of romance--country of the +concentrated essences of all these;--carnivals--I, PUNCH, the first and +last, the alpha and omega of fun, adore thee! From the moment when I was +cast upon thy shores, like Venus, out of the sea, to this sad day, when I +am forced to descend from my own stage to mere criticism; have I preserved +every token that would endear my memory to thee! My nose is still Roman, my +mouth-organ plays the "genteelest of" Italian "tunes"--my scenes represent +the choicest of Italian villas--in "choice Italian" doth my devil swear--to +wit, "_shal-la-bella!_" + +Longing to be still more reminded of thee, dear Italy, I threw a large +cloak over my hunch, and a huge pair of spectacles over my nose, and +ensconced myself in a box at the Haymarket Theatre, to witness the fourth +appearance of my rival puppet, Charles Kean, in Romeo. He is an actor! What +a deep voice--what an interesting lisp--what a charming whine--what a +vigorous stamp, he hath! How hard he strikes his forehead when he is going +into a rage--how flat he falls upon the ground when he is going to die! And +then, when he has killed Tybalt, what an attitude he strikes, what an +appalling grin he indulges his gaping admirers withal! + +This is real acting that one pays one's money to see, and not such an +unblushing imposition as Miss Tree practises upon us. Do we go to the play +to see nature? of course not: we only desire to see the actors playing at +being natural, like Mr. Gallot, Mr. Howe, Mr. Worral, or Mr. Kean, and +other actors. This system of being too natural will, in the end, be the +ruin of the drama. It has already driven me from the Stage, and will, I +fear, serve the great performers I nave named above in the same manner. But +the Haymarket Juliet overdoes it; she is more natural than nature, for she +makes one or two improbabilities in the plot of the play seem like +every-day matters of fact. Whether she falls madly in love at the first +glance, agrees to be married the next afternoon, takes a sleeping draught, +throws herself lifeless upon the bed, or wakes in the tomb to behold her +poisoned lover, still in all these situations she behaves like a sensible, +high-minded girl, that takes such circumstances, and makes them appear to +the audience--quite as a matter of course! What let me ask, was the use of +the author--whose name, I believe, was Shakspere--purposely contriving +these improbabilities, if the actors do not make the most of them? I do +hope Miss Tree will no longer impose upon the public by pretending to _act_ +Juliet. Let her try some of the characters in Bulwer's plays, which want +all her help to make them resemble women of any nation, kindred, or +country. + +Much as I admire Kean, I always prefer the acting of Wallack; there is more +variety in the tones of his voice, for Kean tunes his pipes exactly as my +long-drummer sets his drum;--to one pitch: but as to action, Wallack--more +like my drummer--beats him hollow; he points his toes, stands a-kimbo, +takes off his hat, and puts it on again, quite as naturally as if he +belonged to the really legitimate drama, and was worked by strings cleverly +pulled to suit the action to _every_ word. Wallack is an honest performer; +_he_ don't impose upon you, like Webster, for instance, who as the +Apothecary, speaks with a hungry voice, walks with a tottering step, moves +with a helpless gait, which plainly shows that he never studied the +part--he must have starved for it. Where will this confounded naturalness +end? + +The play is "got up," as we managers call it, capitally. The dresses are +superb, and so are the properties. The scenery exhibited views of different +parts of the city, and was, so far as I am a judge, well painted. I have +only one objection to the balcony scene. Plagiarism is mean and +contemptible--I despise it. I will not apply to the Vice-Chancellor for an +injunction, because the imitation is so vilely caricatured; but the balcony +itself is the very counterpart of PUNCH'S theatre!--PUNCH. + + * * * * * + + +MY FRIEND THE CAPTAIN. + +When a new farce begins with duck and green peas, it promises well; the +sympathies of the audience are secured, especially as the curtain rises but +a short time before every sober play-goer is ready for his supper. Mr. +Gabriel Snoxall is seated before the comsstibles above mentioned--he is +just established in a new lodging. It is snug--the furniture is neat--being +his own property, for he is an _un_furnished lodger. A bachelor so situated +must be a happy fellow. Mr. Snoxall is happy--a smile radiates his face--he +takes wine with himself; but has scarcely tapped the decanter for his first +glass, before he hears a tap at his door. The hospitable "Come in!" is +answered by the appearance of Mr. Dunne Brown, a captain by courtesy, and +Snoxall's neighbour by misfortune. Here business begins. + +The ancient natural historian has divided the _genus homo_ into the two +grand divisions of victimiser and victim. Behold one of each class before +you--the yeast and sweat-wort, as it were, which brew the plot! Brown +invites himself to dinner, and does the invitation ample justice; for he +finds the peas as green as the host; who he determines shall be done no +less brown than the duck. He possesses two valuable qualifications in a +diner-out--an excellent appetite, and a habit of eating fast, consequently +the meal is soon over. Mr. Brown's own tiger clears away, by the ingenious +method of eating up what is left. Mr. Snoxall is angry, for he is hungry; +but, good easy man, allows himself to be mollified to a degree of softness +that allows Mr. Brown to borrow, not only his tables and chairs, but his +coat, hat, and watch; just, too, in the very nick of time, for the bailiffs +are announced. What is the hunted creditor to do? Exit by the window to be +sure. + +A character invented by farce-writers, and retained exclusively for their +use--for such folks are seldom met with out of a farce--lives in the next +street. He has a lovely daughter, and a nephew momentarily expected from +India, and with those persons he has, of course, not the slighest +acquaintance; and a niece, by marriage, of whose relationship he is also +entirely unconscious. His parlours are made with French windows; they are +open, and invite the bailiff-hunted Brown into the house. What so natural +as that he should find out the state of family affairs from a loquacious +Abigail, and should personate the expected nephew? Mr. Tidmarsh (the +property old gentleman of the farce-writers) is in ecstacics. Mrs. T. sees +in the supposed Selbourne a son-in-law for her daughter, whose vision is +directed to the same prospects. Happy, domestic circle! unequalled family +felicity! too soon, alas! to be disturbed by a singular coincidence. Mr. +Snoxall, the victim, is in love with Miss Sophia, the daughter. Ruin +impends over Brown; but he is master of his art: he persuades Snoxall not +to undeceive the family of Tidmarsh, and kindly undertakes to pop the +question to Sophia on behalf of his friend, whose sheepishness quite equals +his softness. Thus emboldened, Brown inquires after a "few loose +sovereigns," and Snoxall, having been already done out of his chairs, +clothes, and watch, of course lends the victimiser his purse, which +contains twenty. + +Mr. Brown's career advances prosperously; he makes love in the dark to his +supposed cousin _pro_ Snoxall, in the hearing of the supposed wife (for the +real Selbourne has been married privately) and his supposed friend, both +supposing him false, mightily abuse him, all being still in the dark. At +length the real Selbourne enters, and all supposition ends, as does the +farce, poetical justice being administered upon the captain by courtesy, by +the bailiffs who arrest him. Thus he, at last, becomes really Mr. Dunne +Brown. + +The farce was successful, for the actors were perfect, and the audience +good-humoured. We need hardly say who played the hero; and having named +Wrench, as the nephew, who was much as usual, everybody will know how. Mr. +David Rees is well adapted for Snoxall, being a good figure for the part, +especially in the duck-and-green-peas season. The ladies, of whom there +were four, performed as ladies generally do in farces on a first night. + +We recommend the readers of PUNCH to cultivate the acquaintance of "My +Friend the Captain." They will find him at home every evening at the +Haymarket. We suspect his paternity may be traced to a certain _corner_, +from whose merit several equally successful broad-pieces have been issued. + + * * * * * + + +LITERARY QUERIES AND REPLIES + +BY DISTINGUISHED PERSONAGES. + + +QUESTION BY SIR EDWARD LYTTON BULWER, BART, + +"What romance is that which outght to be most admired in the kitchen?" + +ANSWER BY THEODORE HOOK. + +"Don Quixote; because it was written by _Cervantes_--(servantes).--Rather +low, Sir Ned." + + +QUESTION BY LADY BLESSINGTON, + +"When is a lady's neck not a neck?" + +ANSWER BY LADY MORGAN. + +"For shame now!--When it is a _little bare_ (bear), I suppose." + + * * * * * + + +A SPEECH FROM THE HUSTINGS. + +The following is a correct report of a speech made by one of the candidates +at a recent election in the north of England. + + THOMAS SMITH, Esq., then presented himself, and said--" * * * + * * * * * crisis * * * * + * * * * * * * * * important + dreadful * * * * * industry * * * + * * * enemies * * slaves * * + independence * * * * * * freedom + * * * * * firmly * * * * + gloriously * * * * contested * * * + * * * support * * * * victory, + Hurrah!----" + +Mr. Smith then sat down; but we regret that the uproar which prevailed, +prevents us giving a fuller report of his very eloquent and impressive +speech. + + * * * * * + + +FASHIONABLE MOVEMENTS. + +COUNT D'ORSAY declares that no gentleman having the slightest pretensions +to fashionable consideration can be seen out of doors except on a Sunday, +as on that day bailiffs and other low people keep at home. + + * * * * * + + +EPIGRAM ON A VERY LARGE WOMAN. + + "All flesh is grass," so do the Scriptures say; + But grass, when cut and dried, is turned to hay; + Then, lo; if Death to thee his scythe should take, + God bless us! what a haycock thou wouldst make. + + * * * * * + + +An author that lived somewhere has such a _brilliant_ wit, that he +contracted to light the parish with it, and did it. + +"Our church clock," say the editors of a down-cast paper, "_keeps time_ so +well that we _get_ a day out of every week by it." + +A man in Kentucky has a horse which is so slow, that his hind legs always +get first to his journey's end. + + * * * * * + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +1, July 24, 1841, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14920.txt or 14920.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/9/2/14920/ + +Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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