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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1,
+July 24, 1841, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, July 24, 1841
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14920]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 1.
+
+
+
+FOR THE WEEK ENDING JULY 24, 1841.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A MODEST METHOD OF FORMING A NEW BUDGET
+
+SO AS TO PROVIDE FOR THE DEFICIENCY OF THE REVENUE.
+
+
+[Illustration: P] Poor Mr. Dyer! And so this gentleman has been dismissed
+from the commission of the peace for humanely endeavouring to obtain the
+release of Medhurst from confinement. Two or three thousand pounds, he
+thought, given to some public charity, might persuade the Home Secretary to
+remit the remainder of his sentence, and dispose the public to look upon
+the prisoner with an indulgent eye.
+
+Now, Mr. Punch, incline thy head, and let me whisper a secret into thine
+ear. If the Whig ministry had not gone downright mad with the result of the
+elections, instead of dismissing delectable Dyer, they would have had him
+down upon the Pension List to such a tune as you wot not of, although of
+tunes you are most curiously excellent. For, oh! what a project did he
+unwittingly shadow forth of recruiting the exhausted budget! Such a one as
+a sane Chancellor of the Exchequer would have seized upon, and shaken in
+the face of "Robert the Devil," and his crew of "odious monopolists." Peel
+must still have pined in hopeless opposition, when Baring opened his plan.
+
+Listen! Mandeville wrote a book, entitled "Private Vices Public Benefits."
+Why cannot public crimes, let me ask, be made so? you, perhaps, are not on
+the instant prepared with an answer--but I am.
+
+Let the Chancellor of the Exchequer forthwith prepare to discharge all the
+criminals in Great Britain, of whatever description, from her respective
+prisons, on the payment of a certain sum, to be regulated on the principle
+of a graduated or "sliding scale."
+
+A vast sum will be thus instantaneously raised,--not enough, however, you
+will say, to supply the deficiency. I know it. But a moment's further
+attention. Mr. Goulburn, many years since, being then Chancellor of the
+Exchequer, and, like brother Baring, in a financial hobble, proposed that
+on the payment, three years in advance, of the dog and hair-powder tax, all
+parties so handsomely coming down with the "tin," should henceforth and for
+ever rejoice in duty-free dog, and enjoy untaxed cranium. Now, why not a
+proposition to this effect--that on the payment of a good round sum (let it
+be pretty large, for the ready is required), a man shall be exempt from the
+present legal consequences of any crime or crimes he may hereafter commit;
+or, if this be thought an extravagant scheme, and not likely to take with
+the public, at least let a list of prices be drawn up, that a man may know,
+at a glance, at what cost he may gratify a pet crime or favourite little
+foible. Thus:--
+
+For cutting one's own child's head off--so much. (I really think I would
+fix this at a high price, although I am well aware it has been done for
+nothing.)
+
+For murdering a father or a mother--a good sum.
+
+For ditto, a grand ditto, or a great-grand ditto--not so much: their
+leases, it is presumed, being about to fall in.
+
+Uncles, aunts, cousins, friends, companions, and the community in
+general--in proportion.
+
+The cost of assaults and batteries, and other diversions, might be easily
+arranged; only I must remark, that for assaulting policemen I would charge
+high; that being, like the Italian Opera, for the most part, the
+entertainment of the nobility.
+
+You may object that the propounding such a scheme would be discreditable,
+and that the thing is unprecedented. Reflect, my dear PUNCH, for an
+instant. Surely, nothing can be deemed to be discreditable by a Whig
+government, after the cheap sugar, cheap timber, cheap bread rigs. Why,
+this is just what might have been expected from them. I wonder they had not
+hit upon it. How it would have "agitated the masses!"
+
+As to the want of a precedent, that is easily supplied. Pardons for all
+sorts and sizes of crimes were commonly bought and sold in the reign of
+James I.; nay, pardon granted in anticipation of crimes to be at a future
+time committed.
+
+After all, you see, Mr. Dyer's idea was not altogether original.
+
+Your affectionate friend,
+
+CHRISTOPHER SLY.
+
+_Pump_ Court.
+
+P.S.--Permit me to congratulate you on the determination you have come to,
+of entering the literary world. Your modesty may be alarmed, but I must
+tell you that several of our "popular and talented" authors are commonly
+thought to be greatly indebted to you. They are said to derive valuable
+hints from you, particularly in their management of the pathetic.
+
+Keep a strict eye upon your wife, Judith. You say she will superintend your
+notices of the fashions, &c.; but I fear she has been already too long and
+exclusively employed on certain newspapers and other periodicals. Her style
+is not easily mistaken.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+WHIG-WAGGERIES.
+
+  The Whigs must go: to reign instead
+    The Tories will be call'd;
+  The Whigs should ne'er be at the head--
+    _Dear me, I'm getting bald_!
+
+  The Whigs! they pass'd that Poor Law Bill;
+    That's true, beyond a doubt;
+  The poor they've treated very ill--
+    _There, kick that beggar out_!
+
+  The Whigs about the sugar prate!
+    They do not care one dump
+  About the blacks and their sad state--
+    _Just please to pass the lump_!
+
+  Those niggers, for their sufferings here,
+    Will angels be when dying;
+  Have wings, and flit above us--dear--
+    _Why, how those blacks are flying_!
+
+  The Whigs are in a state forlorn;
+    In fact, were ne'er so low:
+  They make a fuss about the corn--
+    _My love, you're on my toe_!
+
+  The Whigs the timber duty say
+    They will bring down a peg;
+  More wooden-pated blockheads they!
+    _Fetch me my wooden leg_!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+COURT CIRCULAR.
+
+Deaf Burke took an airing yesterday afternoon in an open cart. He was
+accompanied by Jerry Donovan. They afterwards stood up out of the rain
+under the piazzas in Covent Garden. In the evening they walked through the
+slops.
+
+The dinner at the Harp, yesterday, was composed of many delicacies of the
+season, including bread-and-cheese and onions. The hilarity of the evening
+was highly increased by the admirable style in which Signor Jonesi sang
+"Nix my dolly pals."
+
+Despatches yesterday arrived at the house of Reuben Martin, enclosing a
+post order for three-and six-pence.
+
+The Signor and Deaf Burke walked out at five o'clock. They after wards
+tossed for a pint of half-and-half.
+
+Jerry Donovan and Bill Paul were seen in close conversation yesterday. It
+is rumoured that the former is in treaty with the latter for a pair of
+left-off six-and-eightpenny Clarences.
+
+Paddy Green intends shortly to remove to a three-pair back-room in Little
+Wild-street, Drury-lane, which he has taken for the summer. His loss will
+be much felt in the neighbourhood.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+AN AN-TEA ANACREONTIC.--No. 2.
+
+  Rundell! pride of Ludgate Hill!
+  I would task thine utmost skill;
+  I would have a bowl from thee
+  Fit to hold my Howqua tea.
+  And oh! leave it not without
+  Ivory handle and a spout.
+  Where thy curious hand must trace
+  Father Mathew's temperate face,
+  So that he may ever seem
+  Spouting tea and breathing steam.
+  On its sides do not display
+  Fawns and laughing nymphs at play
+  But portray, instead of these,
+  Funny groups of fat Chinese:
+  On its lid a mandarin,
+  Modelled to resemble Lin.
+  When completed, artisan,
+  I will pay you--if I can.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SPORTING.
+
+THE KNOCKER HUNT.
+
+
+On Thursday, July 8, 1841, the celebrated pack of Knocker Boys met at the
+Cavendish, in Jermyn Street. These animals, which have acquired for
+themselves a celebrity as undying as that of Tom and Jerry, are of a fine
+powerful breed, and in excellent condition. The success which invariably
+attends them must be highly gratifying to the distinguished nobleman who,
+if he did not introduce this particular species into the metropolis, has at
+least done much to bring it to its present extraordinary state of
+perfection.
+
+As there may be some of our readers who are ignorant of the purposes for
+which this invaluable pack has been organised, it may be as well to state a
+few particulars, before proceeding to the detail of one of the most
+splendid nights upon record in the annals of disorderism.
+
+The knocker is a thing which is generally composed of brass or iron. It has
+frequently a violent resemblance to the "human face divine," or the
+ravenous expressiveness of a beast of prey. It assumes a variety of phases
+under peculiar _vinous_ influences. A gentleman, in whose veracity and
+experience we have the most unlimited confidence, for a series of years
+kept an account of the phenomena of his own knocker; and by his permission
+the following extracts are now submitted to the public:--
+
+    1840.
+
+    Nov. 12--Dined with Captain ----. Capital spread--exquisite
+    _liqueurs_--magnificent wines--unparalleled cigars--drank _my_
+    four bottles--should have made it five, but found I had eaten
+    something which disagreed with me--Home at four.
+
+    _State of Knocker_.--Jumping up and down the surface of the door
+    like a rope dancer, occasionally diverging into a zig-zag, the
+    key-hole partaking of the same eccentricities.
+
+    Nov. 13.--Supped with Charley B----. Brandy, _genuine
+    cognac_--Cigars _principe_. ESTIMATED CONSUMPTION: brandy and
+    water, eighteen glasses--cigars, two dozen--porter with a cabman,
+    two pots.
+
+    _State of Knocker_.--Peripatetic--moved from our house to the
+    next--remained till it roused the family--returned to its own
+    door, and became duplicated--wouldn't wake the house-porter till
+    five.
+
+    N.B. Found I had used my own thumb for a sounding-plate, and had
+    bruised my nail awfully.
+
+    Nov. 14.--Devoted the day to soda-water and my tailor's bill--gave
+    a draught for the amount, and took another on my own account.
+
+    Nov. 15.--Lectured by the "governor"--left the house savage--met
+    the Marquess--got very drunk unconsciously--fancied myself a
+    merman, and that the gutter in the Haymarket was the
+    Archipelago--grew preposterous, and felt that I should like to be
+    run over--thought I was waltzing with Cerito, but found I was
+    being carried on a stretcher to the station-house--somebody sent
+    somewhere for bail, and somebody bailed me.
+
+    _State of Knocker_.--Very indistinct--then became uncommonly like
+    the "governor" in his nightcap--_could_ NOT reach it--presume it
+    was filial affection that prevented me--knocked of its own accord,
+    no doubt agitated by sympathy--reverberated in my ears all night,
+    and left me with a confounded head-ache in the morning.
+
+The above examples are sufficient to show the variability of this singular
+article.
+
+Formerly the knocker was devoted entirely to the menial occupation of
+announcing, by a single dab, or a variation of raps, the desire of persons
+on the door-step to communicate with the occupants of the interior of a
+mansion. Modern genius has elevated it into a source of refined pleasure
+and practical humour, affording at the same time employment to the artisan,
+excitement to the gentleman, and broken heads and dislocations of every
+variety to the police!
+
+We will now proceed to the details of an event which PUNCH alone is worthy
+to record:--
+
+Notice of a meet having been despatched to all the members of the "Knocker
+Hunt," a splendid field--no _street_--met at the Cavendish--the hotel of
+the hospitable Marquess. The white damask which covered the mahogany was
+dotted here and there with rich and invigorating viands; whilst decanters
+of port and sherry--jugs of Chateau Margaux--bottles of exhilarating
+spirits, and boxes of cigars, agreeably diversified the scene. After a
+plentiful but orderly discussion of the "creature comforts," (for all
+ebullitions at home are strictly prohibited by the Marquess) it was
+proposed to _draw_ St. James's Square. This suggestion was, however,
+abandoned, as it was reported by Captain Pepperwell, that a party of snobs
+had been hunting bell-handles in the same locality, on the preceding night.
+Clarges Street was then named; and off we started in that direction, trying
+the west end of Jermyn Street and Piccadilly in our way; but, as was
+expected, both coverts proved blank. We were almost afraid of the same
+result in the Clarges Street gorse; for it was not until we arrived at No.
+33, that any one gave tongue. Young Dashover was the first, and clearly and
+beautifully came his shrill tone upon the ear, as he exclaimed "Hereth a
+knocker--thuch a one, too!" The rush was instantaneous; and in the space of
+a moment one feeling seemed to have taken possession of the whole pack. A
+more splendid struggle was never witnessed by the oldest knocker-hunter! A
+more pertinacious piece of cast-iron never contended against the prowess of
+the Corinthian! After a gallant pull of an hour and a half, "the affair
+came off," and now graces the club-room of the "Knocker Hunt."
+
+The pack having been called off, were taken to the kennel in the Haymarket,
+when one young dog, who had run counter at a bell-handle, was found to be
+missing; but the gratifying intelligence was soon brought, that he was safe
+in the Vine-street station-house.
+
+The various compounds known as champagne, port, sherry, brandy, &c., having
+been very freely distributed, Captain Pepperwell made a proposition that
+will so intimately connect his name with that of the immortal Marquess,
+that, like the twin-born of Jupiter and Leda, to mention one will be to
+imply the other.
+
+Having obtained silence by throwing a quart measure at the waiter, he
+wriggled himself into an upright position, and in a voice tremulous from
+emotion--perhaps brandy, said--
+
+"Gentlemen of--the Knocker Hunt--there are times when a man can't make--a
+speech without con-considerable inconvenience to himself--that's my case at
+the present moment--but my admiration for the distinguished foun--der of
+the Knocker Hunt--compels me--to stand as well as I can--and propose, that
+as soon as we have knockers enough--they be melted down--by some other
+respectable founder, and cast into a statue of--the Marquess of Waterford!"
+
+Deafening were the cheers which greeted the gallant captain! A meeting of
+ladies has since been held, at which resolutions were passed for the
+furtherance of so desirable an object, and a committee formed for the
+selection of a design worthy of the originator of the Knocker Hunt. To that
+committee we now appeal.
+
+[Illustration:
+  TO HENRY, MARQUESS OF WATERFORD,
+  AND HIS JOLLY COMPANIONS IN LOWE,
+  THIS STATUE OF ACHILLES,
+  CAST FROM KNOCKERS TAKEN IN THE VICINITIES
+  OF SACKVILLE-STREET, VIGO-LANE, AND WATERLOO-PLACE,
+  IS INSCRIBED
+  BY THEIR GENTLEWOMEN.
+  PLACED ON THIS SPOT
+  ON THE FIRST DAY OF APRIL, MDCCCXLII.
+  BY COMMAND OF
+  COLONEL ROWAN.]
+
+_Mem_. The hunt meet again on Monday next, as information has been
+received that a splendid knocker occupies the door of Laing's shooting
+gallery in the Haymarket.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+STENOTYPOGRAPHY.
+
+Our _printer's devil_, with a laudable anxiety for our success, has
+communicated the following pathetic story. As a specimen of
+stenotypography, or compositor's short-hand, we consider it _unique_.
+
+SERAPHINA POPPS;
+
+OR, THE BEAUTY OF BLOOMSBURY.
+
+Seraphina Popps was the daughter of Mr. Hezekiah Popps, a highly
+respectable pawnbroker, residing in ---- Street, Bloomsbury. Being an only
+child, from her earliest infancy she wanted for 0, as everything had been
+made ready to her [Symbol: hand hand].
+
+She grew up as most little girls do, who live long enough, and became the
+universal ![1] of all who knew her, for
+
+  "None but herself could be her ||."[2]
+
+Amongst the most devoted of her admirers was Julian Fitzorphandale.
+Seraphina was not insensible to the worth of Julian Fitzorphandale; and
+when she received from him a letter, asking permission to visit her, she
+felt some difficulty in replying to his ?[3]; for, at this very critical
+.[4], an unamiable young man, named Augustus St. Tomkins, who possessed
+considerable L. _s._ _d._ had become a suitor for her [Symbol: hand]. She
+loved Fitzorphandale +[5] St. Tomkins, but the former was [Symbol: empty]
+of money; and Seraphina, though sensitive to an extreme, was fully aware
+that a competency was a very comfortable "appendix."
+
+She seized her pen, but found that her mind was all 6's and 7's. She spelt
+Fitzorphandale, P-h-i-t-z; and though she commenced ¶[6] after ¶, she never
+could come to a "finis." She upbraided her unlucky * *, either for making
+Fitzorphandale so poor, or St. Tomkins so ugly, which he really was. In
+this dilemma we must leave her at present.
+
+Although Augustus St. Tomkins was a [Symbol: Freemason][7], he did not
+possess the universal benevolence which that ancient order inculcates; but
+revolving in his mind the probable reasons for Seraphina's hesitation, he
+came to this conclusion: she either loved him -[8] somebody else, or she
+did not love him at all. This conviction only X[9] his worst feelings, and
+he resolved that no [Symbol: scruple scruple][10] of conscience should
+stand between him and his desires.
+
+On the following day, Fitzorphandale had invited Seraphina to a pic-nic
+party. He had opened the &[11] placed some boiled beef and ^^[12] on the
+verdant grass, when Seraphina exclaimed, in the mildest ``''[13], "I like
+it well done, Fitzorphandale!"
+
+As Julian proceeded to supply his beloved one with a Sec.[14]
+of the provender, St. Tomkins stood before them with a [Symbol: dagger][15]
+in his [Symbol: hand].
+
+Want of space compels us to leave the conclusion of this interesting
+romance to the imagination of the reader, and to those ingenious
+playwrights who so liberally supply our most popular authors with
+gratuitous catastrophes.
+
+    NOTES BY THE FLY-BOY.
+
+    1. Admiration. 2. Parallel. 3. Note of Interrogation. 4. Period.
+    5. More than. 6. Paragraph. 7. Freemason. 8. Less than.
+    9. Multiplied. 10. Scruples. 11. Hampers-and. 12. Carets.
+    13. Accents. 14. Section. 15. Dagger.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+NEWS OF EXTRAORDINARY INTEREST.
+
+A mechanic in Berlin has invented a balance of extremely delicate
+construction. Sir Robert Peel, it is said, intends to avail himself of the
+invention, to keep his political principles so nicely balanced between Whig
+and Tory, that the most accurate observer shall be unable to tell which way
+they tend.
+
+The London Fire Brigade have received directions to hold themselves in
+readiness at the meeting of Parliament, to extinguish any conflagration
+that may take place, from the amazing quantity of inflammatory speeches and
+political fireworks that will be let off by the performers on both sides of
+the house.
+
+The following extraordinary inducement was held out by a solicitor, who
+advertised last week in a morning paper, for an office-clerk; "A small
+salary will be given, but he will have enough of _over-work_ to make up for
+the deficiency."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"MORE WAYS THAN ONE," &c.
+
+The incomplete state of the Treasury has been frequently lamented by all
+lovers of good taste. We are happy to announce that a tablet is about to be
+placed in the front of the building, with the following inscription:--
+
+  TREASURY.
+  FINISHED BY THE WIGS,
+  ANNO DOM. MDCCCXLI.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A CON. BY TOM COOKE.
+
+Why is the common chord in music like a portion of the
+Mediterranean?--Because it's the E G & C (AEgean Sea).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+[ILLUSTRATION]
+
+MONSIEUR JULLIEN.
+
+        "One!"--crash!
+        "Two!"--clash!
+        "Three!"--dash!
+        "Four!"--smash!
+        Diminuendo,
+        Now crescendo:--
+  Thus play the furious band,
+  Led by the kid-gloved hand
+  Of Jullien--that Napoleon of quadrille,
+  Of Piccolo-nians shrillest of the shrill;
+        Perspiring raver
+        Over a semi-quaver;
+  Who tunes his pipes so well, he'll tell you that
+  The natural key of Johnny Bull's--A flat.
+  Demon of discord, with mustaches cloven--
+  Arch impudent _improver_ of Beethoven--
+  Tricksy professor of _charlatanerie_--
+  Inventor of musical artillery--
+  Barbarous rain and thunder maker--
+  Unconscionable money taker--
+  Travelling about both near and far,
+  Toll to exact at every _bar_--
+    What brings thee here again,
+    To desecrate old Drury's fane?
+      Egregious attitudiniser!
+      Antic fifer! com'st to advise her
+  'Gainst intellect and sense to close her walls?
+      To raze her benches,
+      That Gallic wenches
+  Might play their brazen antics at masked balls?
+      _Ci-devant_ waiter
+      Of a _quarante-sous traiteur_,
+  Why did you leave your stew-pans and meat-oven,
+  To make a fricassee of the great Beet-hoven?
+  And whilst your piccolos unceasing squeak on,
+  Saucily serve Mozart with _sauce-piquant_;
+  Mawkishly cast your eyes to the cerulean--
+  Turn Matthew Locke to _potage a la julienne_!
+      Go! go! sir, do,
+      Back to the _rue_,
+      Where lately you
+  Waited upon each hungry feeder,
+  Playing the _garcon_, not the leader.
+      Pray, put your hat on,
+      _Coupez votre baton._
+        Bah
+        _Va!!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+CLAR' DE KITCHEN.
+
+It is now pretty well understood, that if the Tories come into office,
+there will be a regular turn out of the present royal household. Her
+Majesty, through the gracious condescension of the new powers, will be
+permitted to retain her situation in the royal establishment, but on the
+express condition that there shall be--
+
+[ILLUSTRATION: NO FOLLOWERS ALLOWED.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A PARTY OF MEDALLERS.
+
+A subscription has been opened for a medal to commemorate the return of
+Lord John Russell for the city of London. We would suggest that his speech
+to the citizens against the corn-laws would form an appropriate inscription
+for the face of the medal, while that to the Huntingdonshire farmers in
+favour of them would be found just the thing for the _reverse_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A CHAPTER ON BOOTS.
+
+"Boots? Boots!" Yes, Boots! we can write upon boots--we can moralise upon
+boots; we can convert them, as _Jacques_ does the weeping stag in "As You
+Like It," (or, whether you like it or not,) into a thousand similes. First,
+for--but, "our _sole's_ in arms and eager for the fray," and so we will at
+once head our dissertation as we would a warrior's host with
+
+[Illustration]
+
+WELLINGTONS.
+
+These are the most judicious species of manufactured calf-skin; like their
+great "godfather," they are perfect as a whole; from the binding at the top
+to the finish at the toe, there is a beautiful unity about their
+well-conceived proportions: kindly considerate of the calf, amiably
+inclined to the instep, and devotedly serviceable to the whole foot, they
+shed their protecting influence over all they encase. They are walked about
+in not only as protectors of the feet, but of the honour of the wearer.
+Quarrel with a man if you like, let your passion get its steam up even to
+blood-heat, be magnificent while glancing at your adversary's Brutus, grand
+as you survey his chin, heroic at the last button of his waistcoat,
+unappeased at the very knees of his superior kersey continuations,
+inexorable at the commencement of his straps, and about to become abusive
+at his shoe-ties, the first cooler of your wrath will be the Hoby-like
+arched instep of his genuine Wellingtons, which, even as a drop of oil upon
+the troubled ocean, will extend itself over the heretofore ruffled surface
+of your temper.--Now for
+
+[Illustration]
+
+BLUCHERS.
+
+Well, we don't like them. They are shocking impostors--walking discomforts!
+They had no right to be made at all; or, if made, 'twas a sin for them to
+be so christened (are Bluchers Christians?).
+
+They are Wellingtons cut down; so, in point of genius, was their baptismal
+sponsor: but these are _vilely tied_, and that the hardy old Prussian would
+never have been while body and soul held together. He was no beauty, but
+these are decidedly ugly commodities, chiefly tenanted by swell purveyors
+of cat's-meat, and burly-looking prize-fighters. They have the _fortiter in
+re_ for kicking, but not the _suaviter in modo_ for corns. Look at them
+villanously treed out at the "Noah's Ark" and elsewhere; what are they but
+eight-and-six-penny worth of discomfort! They will no more accommodate a
+decent foot than the old general would have turned his back in a charge, or
+cut off his grizzled mustachios. If it wasn't for the look of the thing,
+one might as well shove one's foot into a box-iron. We wouldn't be the man
+that christened them, and take a trifle to meet the fighting old marshal,
+even in a world of peace; in short, they are ambulating humbugs, and the
+would-be respectables that wear 'em are a huge fraternity of "false
+pretenders." Don't trust 'em, reader; they are sure to do you! there's
+deceit in their straps, prevarication in their trousers, and connivance in
+their distended braces. We never met but one exception to the above
+rule--it was John Smith. Every reader has a friend of the name of John
+Smith--in confidence, that _is_ the man. We would have sworn by him; in
+fact, we did swear by him, for ten long years he was our oracle. Never
+shall we forget the first, the only time our faith was shaken. We gazed
+upon and loved his honest face; we reciprocated the firm pressure of his
+manly grasp; our eyes descended in admiration even unto the ground on which
+he stood, and there, upon that very ground--the ground whose upward growth
+of five feet eight seemed Heaven's boast, an "honest man"--we saw what
+struck us sightless to all else--a pair of Bluchers!
+
+We did not dream _his_ feet were in them; ten years' probation seemed to
+vanish at the sight!--we wept! He spoke--could we believe our ears? "Marvel
+of marvels!" despite the propinquity of the Bluchers, despite their
+wide-spreading contamination, his voice was unaltered. We were puzzled! we
+were like the first farourite when "he has a leg," or, "a LEG has him,"
+i.e., nowhere!
+
+John Smith coughed, not healthily, as of yore; it was a hollow emanation
+from hypocritical lungs: he sneezed; it was a vile imitation of his
+original "hi-catch-yew!" he invited us to dinner, suggested the best cut of
+a glorious haunch--we had always had it in the days of the Wellingtons--now
+our imagination conjured up cold plates, tough mutton, gravy thick enough
+in grease to save the Humane Society the trouble of admonitory
+advertisements as to the danger of reckless young gentlemen skating
+thereon, and a total absence of sweet sauce and currant-jelly. We
+paused--we grieved--John Smith saw it--he inquired the cause--we felt for
+him, but determined, with Spartan fortitude, to speak the truth. Our native
+modesty and bursting heart caused our drooping eyes once more to scan the
+ground, and, next to the ground, the wretched Bluchers. But, joy of joys!
+we saw them all! ay, all!--all--from the seam in the sides to the
+leech-like fat cotton-ties. We counted the six lace-holes; we examined the
+texture of the stockings above, "curious three-thread"--we gloated over the
+trousers uncontaminated by straps, we hugged ourselves in the contemplation
+of the naked truth.
+
+John Smith--our own John Smith--your John Smith--everybody's John
+Smith--again entered the arm-chair of our affections, the fire of our love
+stirred, like a self-acting poker, the embers of cooling good fellowship,
+and the strong blaze of resuscitated friendship burst forth with all its
+pristine warmth. John Smith wore Bluchers but he wore them like an honest
+man; and he was the only specimen of the _genus homo_ (who sported
+trowsers) that was above the weakness of tugging up his suspenders and
+stretching his broadcloth for the contemptible purpose of giving a
+fictitious, Wellingtonian appearance to his eight-and-sixpennies.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+ANKLE-JACKS,
+
+to indulge in the sporting phraseology of the _Racing Calendar_, appear to
+be "got by Highlows out of Bluchers." They thrive chiefly in the
+neighbourhoods of Houndsditch, Whitechapel, and Billingsgate. They attach
+themselves principally to butchers' boys, Israelitish disposers of _vix_
+and _pinthils_, and itinerant misnomers of "live fish." On their first
+introduction to their masters, by prigging or purchase, they represent some
+of the glories of "Day and Martin;" but, strange to say, though little
+skilled in the penman's art, their various owners appear to be imbued with
+extraordinary veneration for the wholesome advice contained in the
+round-text copy, wherein youths are admonished to "avoid useless
+repetition," hence that polish is the Alpha and Omega of their shining
+days. Their term of servitude varies from three to six weeks: during the
+first they are fastened to the topmost of their ten holes; the next
+fortnight, owing to the breaking of the lace, and its frequent knotting,
+they are shorn of half their glories, and upon the total destruction of the
+thong (a thing never replaced), it appears a matter of courtesy on their
+parts to remain on at all. On some occasions various of their wearers have
+transferred them as a legacy to very considerable mobs, without
+particularly stating for which especial individual they were intended. This
+kicking off their shoes "because they wouldn't die in them," has generally
+proved but a sorry method of lengthening existence.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+HESSIANS,
+
+are little more than ambitious Wellingtons, curved at the top--wrinkled at
+the bottom (showing symptoms of superannuation even in their infancy), and
+betasselled in the front, offering what a _Wellington_ never did--a weak
+point for an enemy to seize and shake at his pleasure.
+
+There's no "speculation" in them--they are entirely superficial: like a
+shallow fellow, you at once see through, and know all about them. There is
+no mystery as to the height they reach, how far they are polished, or the
+description of leg they cling round. Save Count D'Oraay, we never saw a
+calf in a pair of them--that is, we never saw a leg with a calf. Their
+general tenants are speculative Jew clothesmen who have bought them "vorth
+the monish" (at tenth hand), seedy chamber counsel, or still more seedy
+collectors of rents. They are fast falling into decay; like _dogs_, they
+have had their "Day (and Martin's") Acts, but both are past. But woh! ho!
+
+[Illustration]
+
+TOPS! TOPS!! TOPS!!!
+
+Derby!--Epsom!--Ledger!--Spring Summer, Autumn Meetings--Miles,
+Half-miles--T.Y.C.--Hurdles, Heats, names, weights, colours of the
+riders--jockies, jackets,--Dead
+Heats--sweats--distances--trainings--scales--caps, and all--what would you
+be without Top Boots? What! and echo answers--nothing!
+
+Ay, worse than nothing--a chancery suit without money--an Old Bailey
+culprit without an _alibi_--a debtor without an excuse--a new play without
+a titled author--a manager without impudence--a thief without a
+character--a lawyer without a wig--or a Guy Faux without matches!
+
+Tops, you must be "made to measure." Wellingtons, Hessians, Bluchers,
+Ankle-Jacks, and Highlows, can be chosen from, fitted, and tried on; but
+_you_ must be measured for, lasted, back-strapped, top'd, wrinkled and
+bottomed, according to order.
+
+So it is with your proprietors--the little men who ride the great running
+horses. There's an impenetrable mystery about those little men--they _are_,
+we know that, but we know not how. Bill Scott is in the secret--Chifney is
+well aware of it--John Day could enlighten the world--but they won't! They
+know the value of being "light characters"--their fame is as "a feather,"
+and _downey_ are they, even as the illustration of that fame. They conspire
+together like so many little Frankensteins. The world is treated with a
+very small proportion of very small jockeys; they never increase beyond a
+certain number, which proves they are not born in the regular way: as the
+old ones drop off, the young ones just fill their places, and not one to
+spare. Whoever heard of a "mob of jockeys," a glut of "light-weights," or
+even a handful of "feathers?"--no one!
+
+It's like Freemasonry--it's an awful mystery! Bill Scott knows all about
+the one, and the Duke of Sussex knows all about the other, but the
+uninitiated know nothing of either! Jockeys are wonders--so are their
+boots! Crickets have as much calf, grasshoppers as much ostensible thigh;
+and yet these superhuman specimens of manufactured leather fit like a
+glove, and never pull the little gentlemen's legs off. That's the
+extraordinary part of it; they never even so much as dislocate a joint!
+Jockey bootmakers are wonderful men! Jockeys ain't men at all!
+
+Look, look, look! Oh, dear! do you see that little fellow, with his
+merry-thought-like looking legs, clinging round that gallant bright
+chesnut, thoro'bred, and sticking to his ribs as if he meant to crimp him
+for the dinner of some gourmand curious in horse-flesh! There he is,
+screwing his sharp knees into the saddle, sitting well up from his loins,
+stretching his neck, curving his back, stiffening the wire-like muscles of
+his small arms, and holding in the noble brute he strides, as a
+saftey-valve controls the foaming steam; only loosing him at his very
+pleasure.
+
+Look, look! there's the grey filly, with the other made-to-measure feather
+on her back; do you notice how she has crawled up to the chesnut? Mark,
+mark! his arms appear to be India-rubber! Mercy on us, how they stretch!
+and the bridle, which looked just now like a solid bar of wrought iron,
+begins to curve! See how gently he leans over the filly's neck; while the
+chesnut's rider turns his eyes, like a boiled lobster, almost to the back
+of his head! Oh, he's awake! he still keeps the lead: but the grey filly is
+nothing but a good 'un. Now, the Top-boots riding her have become excited,
+and commence tickling her sides with their flashing silver spurs, putting
+an extra foot into every bound. She gains upon the chesnut! This is
+something like a race! The distance-post is reached! The Top-boots on the
+grey are at work again. Bravo! the tip of the white nose is beyond the
+level of the opposing boots! Ten strides, and no change! "She must win!"
+"No, she can't!" "Grey for ever!" "Chesnut for a hundred!" "Done!
+done!"--Magnificent!--neck and neck!--splendid!--any body's race! Bravo
+grey!--bravo chesnut!--bravo both! Ten yards will settle it. The chesnut
+rider throws up his arms--a slight dash of blood soils the "Day and
+Martin"--an earth-disdaining bound lands chesnut a winner of three thousand
+guineas! and all the world are in raptures with the judgment displayed in
+the last kick of the little man's TOP BOOTS.
+
+FUSBOS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+HINTS ON MELO-DRAMATIC MUSIC.
+
+It has often struck us forcibly that the science of melo-dramatic music has
+been hitherto very imperfectly understood amongst us. The art of making
+"the sound an echo of the sense"--of expressing, by orchestral effects, the
+business of the drama, and of forming a chromatic commentary to the
+emotions of the soul and the motions of the body, has been shamefully
+neglected on the English stage. Ignorant composers and ignoble fiddlers
+have attempted to develop the dark mysteries and intricate horrors of the
+melo-drama; but unable to cope with the grandeur of their subject, they
+have been betrayed into the grossest absurdities. What, for instance, could
+be more preposterous than to assign the same music for "storming a fort,"
+and "stabbing a virtuous father!" Equally ridiculous would it be to express
+"the breaking of the sun through a fog," and "a breach of promise of
+marriage;" or the "rising of a ghost," and the "entrance of a lady's maid,"
+in the same keys.
+
+The adaptation of the different instruments in the orchestra to the
+circumstance of the drama, is also a matter of extreme importance. How
+often has the effect of a highly-interesting suicide been destroyed by an
+injudicious use of the trombone; and a scene of domestic distress been
+rendered ludicrous by the intervention of the double-drum!
+
+If our musical composers would attend more closely than they have been in
+the habit of doing, to the minutiae of the scene which is intrusted to them
+to illustrate, and study the delicate lights and shades of human nature, as
+we behold it nightly on the Surrey stage, we might confidently hope, at no
+very distant period, to see melo-drama take the lofty position it deserves
+in the histrionic literature of this country. We feel that there is a wide
+field here laid open for the exercise of British talent, and have
+therefore, made a few desultory mems. on the subject, which we subjoin;
+intended as modest hints for the guidance of composers of melodramatic
+music. The situations we have selected from the most popular Melos. of the
+day; the music to be employed in each instance, we have endeavoured to
+describe in such a manner as to render it intelligible to all our readers.
+
+Music for the entrance of a brigand in the dark, should be slow and
+mysterious, with an effective double _bass_ in it.
+
+Ditto, for taking wine--an allegro, movement, with _da capo_ for the second
+glass.
+
+Ditto, for taking porter, beer, or any other inferior swipes--a similar
+movement, but not _con spirito_.
+
+Ditto, for the entrance of an attorney--a _coda_ in one sharp, 6-8 time. If
+accompanied by a client, an accidental _flat_ may be introduced.
+
+Ditto, for discovering a lost babby--a simply _affettuoso_ strain, in a
+_minor_ key.
+
+Ditto, for recognising a disguised count--a flourish of trumpets, and three
+bars rest, to allow time for the countess to faint in his arms.
+
+Ditto, for concealing a lover in a closet, and the sudden appearance of the
+father, guardian, or husband, as the case may be--a _prestissimo_ movement,
+with an agitated _cadenza_.
+
+Ditto, for taking an oath or affidavit--slow, solemn music, with a marked
+emphasis when the deponent kisses the book.
+
+Ditto, for a lover's vow--a tender, broken _adagio_.
+
+Ditto, for kicking a low comedy man--a brisk rapid _stoccato_ passage, with
+a running accompaniment on the kettle-drums.
+
+The examples we have given above will sufficiently explain our views; but
+there are a vast number of dramatic situations that we have not noticed,
+which might be expressed by harmonious sounds, such as music for the
+appearance of a dun or a devil--music for paying a tailor--music for
+serving a writ--music for an affectionate embrace--music for ditto, very
+warm--music for fainting--music for coming-to--music for the death of a
+villain, with a confession of bigamy; and many others "too numerous to
+mention;" but we trust from what we have said, that the subject will not be
+lost sight of by those interested in the elevation of our national drama.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE RISING SUN.
+
+The residence of Sir Robert Peel has been so besieged of late by
+place-hunters, that it has been aptly termed the _New Post Office_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE PUNCH CORRESPONDENCE.
+
+    In presenting the following epistle to my readers, it may be
+    necessary to apprise them, that it is the genuine production of my
+    eldest daughter, Julia, who has lately obtained the situation of
+    lady's-maid in the house of Mr. Samuel Briggs, an independent wax
+    and tallow-chandler, of Fenchurch-street, City, but who keeps his
+    family away from business, in fashionable style, in
+    Russell-square, Bloomsbury. The example of many of our most
+    successful literary _chiffonniers_, who have not thought it
+    disgraceful to publish scraps of private history and unedited
+    scandal, picked up by them in the houses to which they happened to
+    be admitted, will, it is presumed, sufficiently justify my
+    daughter in communicating, for the amusement of an enlightened
+    public, and the benefit of an affectionate parent, a few
+    circumstances connected with Briggs' family, with such
+    observations and reflections of her own as would naturally suggest
+    themselves to a refined and intelligent mind. Should this first
+    essay of a timid girl in the thorny path of literature be
+    favourably received by my friends and patrons, it will stimulate
+    her to fresh exertions; and, I fondly hope, may be the means of
+    placing her name in the same rank by those of Lady Morgan, Madame
+    Tussaud, Mrs. Glasse, the Invisible Lady, and other national
+    ornaments of the feminine species.--[PUNCH.
+
+Russl Squear, July 14.
+
+Dear PA,--I nose yew will he angxious to ear how I get on sins I left the
+wing of the best of feathers. I am appy to say I am hear in a very
+respeckble fammaly, ware they keeps too tawl footmen to my hand; one of
+them is cawld John, and the other Pea-taw,--the latter is as vane as a
+P-cock of his leggs, wich is really beutyful, and puffickly
+streight--though the howskeaper ses he has bad angles; but some pipple loox
+at things with only 1 i, and sea butt there defex. Mr. Wheazey is the
+ass-matick butler and cotchman, who has lately lost his heir, and can't get
+no moar, wich is very diffycult after a serting age, even with the help of
+Rowland's Madagascar isle. Mrs. Tuffney, the howsekeaper, is a prowd and
+oystere sort of person. I rather suspex that she's jellows of me and
+Pea-taw, who as bean throwink ship's i's at me. She thinks to look down on
+me, but she can't, for I hold myself up; and though we brekfists and t's at
+the same _board_, I treat with a _deal_ of _hot-tar_, and shoes her how
+much I dispeyses her supper-silly-ous conduck. Besides these indyvidules,
+there's another dome-stick, wich I wish to menshun particlar--wich is the
+paige Theodore, that, as the poat says, as bean
+
+  "--contrived a double debt to pay,
+  A _paige_ at night--a _tigger_ all the day."
+
+In the mornink he's a tigger, drest in a tite froc-cote, top-boots, buxkin
+smawl-closes, and stuck up behind Master Ahghustusses cab. In the heavening
+he gives up the tigger, and comes out as the paige, in a fansy jackit, with
+too rose of guilt buttings, wich makes him the perfeck immidge of Mr.
+Widdycomb, that ice sea in the serkul at Hashley's Amphitheatre. The
+paige's bisiness is to _weight_ on the ladies, wich is naterally _light_
+work; and being such a small chap, you may suppose they can never make
+enuff of him. These are all the upper servants, of coarse, I shan't lower
+myself by notusing the infearyour crechurs; such as the owsmade, coke,
+_edcett rar_, but shall purceed drackly to the other potion of the fammaly,
+beginning with the old guv'nor (as Pee-taw cawls him), who as no idear of i
+life, and, like one of his own taller lites, has only _dipped_ into good
+sosiety. Next comes Missus:--in fact, I ot to have put her fust, for the
+grey mayor is the best boss in our staybill, (Exkews the wulgarisrm.) After
+Missus, I give persedince to Mr. Ahghustuss, who, bean the only sun in the
+house, is natrally looked up to by everybody in it. He as bean brot up a
+perfick genelman, at Oxfut, and is consekently fond of spending his knights
+in _le trou de charbon_, and afterwards of skewering the streets--twisting
+double knockers, pulling singlebelles, and indulging in other fashonable
+divertions, to wich the low-minded polease, and the settin madgistrets have
+strong objexions. His Pa allows him only sicks hundred a-year, wich isn't
+above 1/2 enuff to keep a cabb, a cupple of hosses, and other thinks, which
+it's not necessary to elude to here. Isn't it ogious to curb so fine a
+spirit? I wish you see him, Pa; such i's, and such a pear of beutyful black
+musquitoes on his lip--enuff to turn the hidds of all the wimming he meats.
+The other membranes of this fammaly are the 3 dorters--Miss Sofiar, Miss
+Selinar, and Miss Jorgina, wich are all young ladyes, full groan, and goes
+in public characters to the Kaledonian bawls, and is likewise angxious to
+get off hands as soon as a feverable opportunity hoffers. It's beleaved the
+old guv'nor can give them ten thowsand lbs. a-peace, wich of coarse will
+have great weight with a husband. There's some Qrious stoaries going--Law!
+there's Missuses bell. I must run up-stairs, so must conclewd obroply, but
+hope to resoom my pen necks weak.
+
+Believe me, my dear Pa,
+Your affeckshnt
+JULIA PUNCH.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+CHARACTERISTIC CORRESPONDENCE.
+
+The following notes actually passed between two (_now_) celebrated
+comedians:--
+
+  Dear J----, Send me a shilling.
+            Yours, B----,
+      P.S.--On second thoughts, make it _two_.
+
+To which his friend replied--
+
+  Dear B----, I have but one shilling in the world.
+            Yours, J----,
+      P.S.--On second thoughts, I want that for dinner.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A young artist in Picayune takes such perfect likenesses, that a lady
+married the portrait of her lover instead of the original.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH AND PEEL.
+
+Arcades ambo.
+
+READER.--God bless us, Mr. PUNCH! who is that tall, fair-haired, somewhat
+parrot-faced gentleman, smiling like a schoolboy over a mess of treacle,
+and now kissing the tips of his five fingers as gingerly as if he were
+doomed to kiss a nettle?
+
+PUNCH.--That, Mr. Reader, is the great cotton-plant, Sir Robert Peel; and
+at this moment he has, in his own conceit, seized upon "the white wonder"
+of Victoria's hand, and is kissing it with Saint James's devotion.
+
+READER.--What for, Mr. PUNCH?
+
+PUNCH.--What for! At court, Mr. Reader, you always kiss when you obtain an
+honour. 'Tis a very old fashion, sir--old as the court of King David. Well
+do I recollect what a smack Uriah gave to his majesty when he was appointed
+to the post which made Bathsheba a widow. Poor Uriah! as we say of the
+stag, that was when his horns were in the velvet.
+
+READER.--_You_ recollect it, Mr. PUNCH!--_you_ at the court of King David!
+
+PUNCH.--I, Mr. Reader, I!--and at every court, from the court of Cain in
+Mesopotamia to the court of Victoria in this present, flinty-hearted
+London; only the truth is, as I have travelled I have changed my name.
+Bless you, half the _Proverbs_ given to Solomon are mine. What I have lost
+by keeping company with kings, not even Joseph Hume can calculate.
+
+READER.--And are you really in court confidence at this moment?
+
+PUNCH.--Am I? What! Hav'n't you heard of the elections? Have you not heard
+the shouts _Io Punch_? Doesn't my nose glow like coral--ar'n't my chops
+radiant as a rainbow--hath not my hunch gone up at least two inches--am I
+not, from crown to toe-nails, brightened, sublimated? Like Alexander--he
+was a particular friend of mine, that same Alexander, and therefore stole
+many of my best sayings--I only know that I am mortal by two sensations--a
+yearning for loaves and fishes, and a love for Judy.
+
+READER.--And you really take office under Peel?
+
+PUNCH.--Ha! ha! ha! A good joke! Peel takes office under _me_. Ha! ha! I'm
+only thinking what sport I shall have with the bedchamber women. But out
+they must go. The constitution gives a minister the selection of his own
+petticoats; and therefore there sha'n't be a yard of Welsh flannel about
+her Majesty that isn't of my choice.
+
+READER.--Do you really think that the royal bedchamber is in fact a third
+house of Parliament--that the affairs of the state are always to be put in
+the feminine gender?
+
+PUNCH.--Most certainly: the ropes of the state rudder are nothing more than
+cap-ribbons; if the minister hav'n't hold of them, what can he do with the
+ship? As for the debates in parliament, they have no more to do with the
+real affairs of the country than the gossip of the apple-women in
+Palace-yard. They're made, like the maccaroni in Naples, for the poor to
+swallow; and so that they gulp down length, they think, poor fellows, they
+get strength. But for the real affairs of the country! Who shall tell what
+correspondence can be conveyed in a warming-pan, what intelligence--for
+
+  "There may be wisdom in a papillote"--
+
+may be wrapt up in the curl-papers of the Crown? What subtle, sinister
+advice may, by a crafty disposition of royal pins, be given on the royal
+pincushion? What minister shall answer for the sound repose of Royalty, if
+he be not permitted to make Royalty's bed? How shall he answer for the
+comely appearance of Royalty, if he do not, by his own delegated hands,
+lace Royalty's stays? I shudder to think of it; but, without the key of the
+bedchamber, could my friend Peel be made responsible for the health of the
+Princess? Instead of the very best and most scrupulously-aired diaper,
+might not--by negligence or design, it matters not which--the Princess
+Royal be rolled in an Act of Parliament, wet from Hansard's press?
+
+READER.--Dreadful, soul perturbing suggestion! Go on, Mr. PUNCH.
+
+PUNCH.--Not but what I think it--if their constitution will stand damp
+paper--an admirable way of rearing young princesses. Queen Elizabeth--my
+wife Judy was her wet nurse--was reared after that fashion.
+
+READER.--David Hume says nothing of it.
+
+PUNCH.--David Hume was one of the wonders of the earth--he was a lazy
+Scotchman; but had he searched the State Paper Office, he would have found
+the documents there--yes, the very Acts of Parliament--the very printed
+rollers. To those rollers Queen Elizabeth owed her knowledge of the English
+Constitution.
+
+READER.--Explain--I can't see how.
+
+PUNCH.--Then you are very dull. Is not Parliament the assembled wisdom of
+the country?
+
+READER.--By a fiction, Mr. PUNCH.
+
+PUNCH--Very well, Mr. Reader; what's all the world but a fiction? I say,
+the assembled wisdom; an Act of Parliament is the sifted wisdom of the
+wise--the essence of an essence. Very well; know you not the mystic, the
+medicinal effects of printer's ink? The devil himself isn't proof to a
+blister of printer's ink. Well, you take an Act of Parliament--and what is
+it but the finest plaster of the finest brains--wet, reeking wet from the
+press. Eschewing diaper, you roll the Act round the royal infant; you roll
+it up and pin it in the conglomerated wisdom of the nation. Now, consider
+the tenderness of a baby's cuticle; the pores are open, and a rapid and
+continual absorption takes place, so that long before the Royal infant cuts
+its first tooth, it has taken up into its system the whole body of the
+Statutes.
+
+READER.--Might not some patriots object to the application of the wisdom of
+the country to so domestic a purpose?
+
+PUNCH.--Such patriots are more squeamish than wise. Sir, how many grown up
+kings have we had, who have shown no more respect for the laws of the
+country, than if they had been swaddled in 'em?
+
+READER.--Do you think your friend Sir Robert is for statute rollers?
+
+PUNCH.--I can answer for Sir Robert on every point. His first attack before
+he kisses hands--and he has, as you perceive, been practising this
+half-hour--will be upon the women of the bedchamber. The war with
+China--the price of sugar--the corn-laws--the fourteen new Bishops about to
+be hatched--timber--cotton--a property tax, and the penny post--all these
+matters and persons are of secondary importance to this greater
+question--whether the female who hands the Queen her gown shall think Lord
+Melbourne a "very pretty fellow in his day;" or whether she shall believe
+my friend Sir Robert to be as great a conjuror as Roger Bacon or the Wizard
+of the North--if the lady can look upon O'Connell and not call for burnt
+feathers or scream for _sal volatile_; or if she really thinks the Pope to
+be a woman with a naughty name, clothed in most exceptionable scarlet. It
+is whether Lady Mary thinks black, or Lady Clementina thinks white; whether
+her father who begot her voted with the Marquis of Londonderry or Earl
+Grey--_that_ is the grand question to be solved, before my friend Sir
+Robert can condescend to be the saviour of his country. To have the
+privilege of making a batch of peers, or a handful of bishops is nothing,
+positively nothing--no, the crowning work is to manufacture a lady's maid.
+What's a mitre to a mob-cap--what the garters of a peer to the garters of
+the Lady Adeliza?
+
+READER.--You are getting warm, Mr. PUNCH--very warm.
+
+PUNCH.--I always do get warm when I talk of the delicious sex: for though
+now and then I thrash my wife before company, who shall imagine how cosy we
+are when we're alone? Do you not remember that great axiom of Sir
+Robert's--an axiom that should make Machiavelli howl with envy--that "_the
+battle of the Constitution is to fought in the bedchamber_."
+
+READER.--I remember it.
+
+PUNCH.--That was a great sentence. Had Sir Robert known his true fame, he
+would never after have opened his mouth.
+
+READER.--Has the Queen sent for Sir Robert yet?
+
+PUNCH.--No: though I know he has staid at home these ten days, and answers
+every knock at the door himself, in expectation of a message.
+
+READER.--They say the Queen doesn't like Sir Robert.
+
+PUNCH.--I'm also told that her Majesty has a great antipathy to physic--yet
+when the Constitution requires medicine, why--
+
+READER.--Sir Robert must be swallowed.
+
+PUNCH.--Exactly so. We shall have warm work of it, no doubt--but I fear
+nothing, when we have once got rid of the women. And then, we have a few
+such nice wenches of our own to place about her Majesty; the Queen shall
+take Conservatism as she might take measles--without knowing it.
+
+READER.--And when, Mr. PUNCH--when you have got rid of the women, what do
+you and Sir Robert purpose then?
+
+PUNCH.--I beg your pardon: we shall meet again next week: it's now two
+o'clock. I have an appointment with half-a-dozen of my godsons; I have
+promised them all places in the new government, and they're come to take
+their choice.
+
+READER.--Do tell me this: Who has Peel selected for Commander of the
+Forces?
+
+PUNCH.--Who? Colonel Sibthorp.
+
+READER.--And who for Chancellor of the Exchequer?
+
+PUNCH.--Mr. Henry Moreton Dyer!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH'S PENCILLINGS.--No. II.
+
+[Illustration: HERCULES TEARING THESEUS FROM THE ROCK TO WHICH HE HAD
+GROWN.
+
+(MODERNIZED.)
+
+APOLLODORUS relates that THESEUS sat so long on a rock, that at length he
+grew to it, so that when HERCULES tore him forcibly away, he left all the
+nether part of the man behind him.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE ELECTION OF BALLINAFAD.
+
+(FROM OUR SPECIAL CORRESPONDENT.)
+
+
+We have been at considerable expense in procuring the subjoined account of
+the election which has just terminated in the borough of Ballinafad, in
+Ireland. Our readers may rest assured that our report is perfectly
+exclusive, being taken, as the artists say, "on the spot," by a special
+bullet-proof reporter whom we engaged, at an enormous expense, for this
+double hazardous service.
+
+BALLINAFAD, 20th JULY.
+
+_Tuesday Morning, Eight o'clock._--The contest has begun! The struggle for
+the independence of Ballinafad has commenced! Griggles, the opposition
+candidate, is in the field, backed by a vile faction. The rank, wealth, and
+independence of Ballinafad are all ranged under the banner of Figsby and
+freedom. A party of Griggles' voters have just marched into the town,
+preceded by a piper and a blind fiddler, playing the most obnoxious tunes.
+A barrel of beer has been broached at Griggles' committee-rooms. We are all
+in a state of the greatest excitement.
+
+_Half-past Eight._--Mr. Figsby is this moment proceeding from his hotel to
+the hustings, surrounded by his friends and a large body of the independent
+teetotal electors. A wheelbarrow full of rotten eggs has been sent up to
+the hustings, to be used, as occasion requires, by the Figsby voters, who
+are bent upon
+
+[Illustration: "GOING THE WHOLE HOG."]
+
+A serious riot has occurred at the town pump, where two of the independent
+teetotalers have been ducked by the opposite party. Stones are beginning to
+fly in all directions. A general row is expected.
+
+_Nine o'clock._--Polling has commenced. Tom Daly, of Galway, the fighting
+friend of Mr. Figsby, has just arrived, with three brace of duelling
+pistols, and a carpet-bag full of powder and ball. This looks like
+business. I have heard that six of Mr. Figsby's voters have been locked up
+in a barn by Griggles' people. The poll is proceeding vigorously.
+
+_Ten o'clock._--State of the poll to this time:--
+
+    Figsby          19
+    Griggles        22
+
+The most barefaced bribery is being employed by Griggles. A lady, known to
+be in his interest, was seen buying half-a-pound of tea, in the shop of Mr.
+Fad, the grocer, for which she paid with a whole sovereign, _and took no
+change_. _Two legs of mutton_ have also been sent up to Griggles' house, by
+Reilly, the butcher. Heaven knows what will be the result. The voting is
+become serious--four men with fractured skulls have, within these ten
+minutes, been carried into the apothecary's over the way. A couple of
+policemen have been thrown over the bridge; but we are in too great a state
+of agitation to mind trifles.
+
+_Half-past Twelve o'clock._--State of the poll to this time:--
+
+    Figsby          27
+    Griggles        36
+
+You can have no idea of the frightful state of the town. The faction are
+employing all sorts of bribery and intimidation. The wife of a liberal
+greengrocer has just been seen with the Griggles ribbons in her cap. Five
+pounds have been offered for a sucking-pig. Figsby must come in,
+notwithstanding two cart-loads of the temperance voters are now riding up
+to the poll, most of them being too drunk to walk. Three duels have been
+this morning reported. Results not known. The coroner has been holding
+inquests in the market-house all the morning.
+
+_Three o'clock._--State of the poll to this time:--
+
+    Figsby          45
+    Griggles        39
+
+The rascally corrupt assessor has decided that the temperance electors who
+came up to vote for the Liberal candidate, being too drunk to speak, were
+disentitled to vote. Some dead men had been polled by Griggles.
+
+The verdict of the coroner's inquest on those who unfortunately lost their
+lives this morning, has been, "Found dead." Everybody admires the sagacious
+conclusion at which the jury have arrived. It is reported that Figsby has
+resigned! I am able to contradict the gross falsehood. Mr. F. is now
+addressing the electors from his committee-room window, and has this
+instant received a plumper--in the eye--in the shape of a rotten potato. I
+have ascertained that the casualties amount to no more than six men, two
+pigs, and two policemen, killed; thirteen men, women, and children,
+wounded.
+
+_Four o'clock_--State of the poll up to this time:--
+
+    Figsby          29
+    Griggles        41
+
+The poll-clerks on both sides are drunk, the assessor has closed the
+booths, and I am grieved to inform you that Griggles has just been duly
+elected.
+
+_Half past Four o'clock._--Figsby has given Grigglcs the lie on the open
+hustings. Will Griggles fight?
+
+_Five o'clock._--His wife insists he shall; so, of course, he must. I hear
+that a message has just been delivered to Figsby. Tom Daly and his
+carpet-bag passed under my window a few minutes ago.
+
+_Half-past Five o'clock._--Two post-chaises have just dashed by at full
+speed--I got a glimpse of Tom Daly smoking a cigar in one of them.
+
+_Six o'clock._--I open my letter to tell you that Figsby is the favourite;
+3 to 1 has been offered at the club, that he wings his man; and 3 to 2 that
+he drills him. The public anxiety is intense.
+
+_Half-past Six._--I again open my letter to say, that I have nothing
+further to add, except that the betting continues in favour of the popular
+candidate.
+
+_Seven o'clock._--Huzza!--Griggles is shot! The glorious principles of
+constitutional freedom have been triumphant! The town is in an uproar of
+delight! We are making preparations to illuminate. BALLINAFAD IS SAVED!
+FIGSBY FOR EVER!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+EPIGRAM.
+
+  Lord Johnny from Stroud thought it best to retreat.
+  Being certain of getting the sack,
+  So he ran to the City, and begged for a seat,
+  Crying, "Please to _re-member Poor Jack_!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+CONUNDRUMS BY COL. SIBTHORP.
+
+Why is a tall nobleman like a poker?--Because he's a _high'un_ belonging to
+the _great_.
+
+Why is a defunct mother like a dog?--Because she's a _ma-stiff_.
+
+When is _a horse_ like _a herring?_--When he's _hard rode_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+EPIGRAM ON SEEING AN EXECUTION.
+
+  One morn, two friends before the Newgate drop,
+  To see a culprit throttled, chanced to stop:
+  "Alas!" cried one as round in air he spun,
+  "That miserable wretch's _race is run_."
+  "True," said the other drily, "to his cost,
+  The race is run--but, by a _neck_ 'tis lost."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+FASHIONABLE ARRIVALS.
+
+Lord John Russell has arrived at a conviction--that the Whigs are not so
+popular as they were.
+
+Sir Peter Laurie has arrived at the conclusion--that Solon was a greater
+man than himself.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE POET FOILED.
+
+  To win the maid the poet tries,
+  And sonnets writes to Julia's eyes;--
+  She likes a _verse_--but cruel whim,
+  She still appears _a-verse_ to him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A most cruel hoax has recently been played off upon that deserving class
+the housemaids of London, by the insertion of an advertisement in the
+morning papers, announcing that a servant in the above capacity was wanted
+by Lord Melbourne. Had it been for a _cook_, the absurdity would have been
+too palpable, as Melbourne has frequently expressed his opposition to
+sinecures.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+ECCLESIASTICAL TRANSPORTATION.
+
+  Now B--y P--l has beat the Whigs,
+    The Church can't understand
+  Why Bot'ny Bay should be all sea,
+    And have no _see_ on land.
+
+  For such a lamentable want
+    Our good Archbishop grieves;
+  'Tis very strange the Tories should
+    Remind him _of the thieves!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+EPIGRAM.
+
+An American paper tells us of a woman named Dobbs, who was killed in a
+preaching-house at Nashville, by the fall of a chandelier on her head.
+Brett's Patent Brandy poet, who would as soon make a witticism on a cracked
+crown as a cracked bottle, has sent us the following:--
+
+  "The _light of life_ comes from above,"
+  Old Dingdrum snuffling said;
+  "The _light_ came down on Peggy Dobbs,
+  And Peggy Dobbs was _dead_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A man in Kentucky was so absent, that he put himself on the toasting-fork,
+and did not discover his mistake until he was _done brown_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+CONSISTENCY.
+
+  No wonder Tory landlords flout
+    "Fix'd Duty," for 'tis plain,
+  With them the Anti-Corn-Law Bill
+    Must _go against the grain._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+The anticipated eruption of Mount Vesuvius is said to have been prevented
+by throwing a box of Holloway's Ointment into the crater.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE SAILOR'S SECRET.
+
+In the year--let me see--but no matter about the date--my father and mother
+died of a typhus fever, leaving me to the care of an only relative, and
+uncle, by my father's side. His name was Box, as my name is Box. I was a
+babby in long clothes at that time, not even so much as christened; so
+uncle, taking the hint, I suppose, from the lid of his sea-chest, had me
+called Bellophron Box. Bellophron being the name of the ship of which he
+was sailing-master.
+
+I sha'n't say anything about my education; though I was brought up in
+
+[Illustration: A FIRST RATE BOARDING-SCHOOL.]
+
+It's not much to boast of; but as soon as I could bear the weight of a
+cockade and a dirk, uncle got me a berth as midshipman on board his own
+ship. So there I was, _Mr._ Bellophron Box. I didn't like the sea or the
+service, being continually disgusted at the partiality shown towards me,
+for in less than a month I was put over the heads of all my superior
+officers. You may stare--but it's true; for _I was mast-headed_ for a week
+at a stretch. When we put into port, Captain ---- called me into his cabin,
+and politely informed me that if I chose to go on shore, and should find it
+inconvenient to return, no impertinent inquiries should be made after me. I
+availed myself of the hint, and exactly one year and two months after
+setting foot on board the Bellophron, I was _Master_ Bellophron Box again.
+
+Well, now for my story. There was one Tom Johnson on board, a _fok'sell_
+man, as they called him, who was very kind to me; he tried to teach me to
+turn a quid, and generously helped me to drink my grog. As I was
+unmercifully quizzed in the cockpit, I grew more partial to the society of
+Tom than to that of my brother middies. Tom always addressed me,'Sir,' and
+they named me Puddinghead; till at last we might be called friends. During
+many a night-watch, when I have sneaked away for a snooze among the
+hen-coops, has Tom saved me from detection, and the consequent pleasant
+occupation of carrying about a bucket of water on the end of a capstan bar.
+
+I had been on board about a month--perhaps two--when the order came down
+from the Admiralty, for the men to cut off their tails. Lord, what a scene
+was there! I wonder it didn't cause a mutiny! I think it would have done
+so, but half the crew were laid up with colds in their heads, from the
+suddenness of the change, though an extra allowance of rum was served out
+to rub them with to prevent such consequences; but the purser not giving
+any definite directions, whether the application was to be external or
+internal, the liquor, I regret to say, for the honour of the British navy,
+was applied much lower down. For some weeks the men seemed half-crazed, and
+were almost as unmanageable as ships that had lost their rudders. Well, so
+they had! It was a melancholy sight to see piles of beautiful tails with
+little labels tied to them, like the instructions on a physic-bottle; each
+directed to some favoured relative or sweetheart of the _curtailed_ seamen.
+What a strange appearance must Portsmouth, and Falmouth, and Plymouth, and
+all the other mouths that are filled with sea-stores, have presented, when
+the precious remembrances were distributed! I wish some artist would
+consider it; for I think it's a shame that there should be no record of
+such an interesting circumstance.
+
+One night, shortly after this visitation, it blew great guns. Large black
+clouds, like chimney-sweepers' feather-beds, scudded over our heads, and
+the rain came pouring down like--like winking. Tom had been promoted, and
+was sent up aloft to reef a sail, when one of the horses giving way, down
+came Tom Johnson, and snap went a leg and an arm. I was ordered to see him
+carried below, an office which I readily performed, for I liked the
+man--and they don't allow umbrellas in the navy.
+
+"What's the matter?" said the surgeon.
+
+"Nothing particular, sir; on'y Tom's broke his legs and his arms by a fall
+from the yard," replied a seaman.
+
+Tom groaned, as though he _did_ consider it something _very_ particular.
+
+He was soon stripped and the shattered bones set, which was no easy matter,
+the ship pitching and tossing about as she did. I sat down beside his
+berth, holding on as well as I could. The wind howled through the rigging,
+making the vessel seem like an infernal Eolian harp; the thunder rumbled
+like an indisposed giant, and to make things more agreeable, a gun broke
+from its lashings, and had it all its own way for about a quarter of an
+hour. Tom groaned most pitiably. I looked at him, and if I were to live for
+a thousand years, I shall never forget the expression of his face. His lips
+were blue, and--no matter, I'm not clever at portrait painting: but imagine
+an old-fashioned Saracen's Head--not the fine handsome fellow they have
+stuck on Snow Hill, but one of the griffins of 1809--and you have Tom's
+phiz, only it wants touching with all the colours of a painter's palette. I
+was quite frightened, and could only stammer out, "Why T-o-o-m!"
+
+"It's all up, sir," says he; "I must go; I feel it."
+
+"Don't be foolish," I replied; "Don't die till I call the surgeon." It was
+a stupid speech, I acknowledge, but I could not help it at the time.
+
+"No, no; don't call the surgeon, Mr. Box; he's done all he can, sir. But
+it's here--it's here!" and then he made an effort to thump his heart, or
+the back of his head, I couldn't make out which.
+
+I trembled like a jelly. I had once seen a melodrama, and I recollected
+that the villain of the piece had used the same action, the same words.
+
+"Mr. Box," groaned Tom, "I've a-a-secret as makes me very uneasy, sir,"
+
+"Indeed, Tom," I replied; "hadn't you better confess the mur--" murder, I
+was a going to say, but I thought it might not be polite, considering Tom's
+situation.
+
+The ruffian, for such he looked then, tried to raise himself, but another
+lurch of the Bellophron sent him on his back, and myself on my beam-ends.
+As soon as I recovered my former position, Tom continued--
+
+"Mr. Box, dare I trust you, sir? if I could do so, I'm sartin as how I
+should soon be easier."
+
+"Of course," said I, "of course; out with it, and I promise never to betray
+your confidence."
+
+"Then come, come here," gasped the suffering wretch; "give us your hand,
+sir."
+
+I instinctively shrunk back with horror!
+
+"Don't be long, Mr. Box, for every minute makes it worse," and then his
+Saracen's Head changed to a feminine expression, and resembled the _Belle
+Sauvage_.
+
+I couldn't resist the appeal; so placing my hand in his, Tom put it over
+his shoulder, and, with a ghastly smile, said, "Pull it out, sir!"
+
+"Pull what out?"
+
+"My secret, Mr. Box; it's hurting on me!"
+
+I thought that he had grown delirious; so, in order to soothe him as much
+as possible, I forced my hand under his shirt-collar, and what do you think
+I found? Why, a PIGTAIL--his pigtail, which he had contrived to conceal
+between his shirt and his skin, when the barbarous order of the Admiralty
+had been put into execution.
+
+[Illustration: A NAUTICAL TALE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SONGS FOR THE SENTIMENTAL.
+
+No. II.
+
+  You say you would find
+    But one, and one only,
+  Who'd feel without you
+    That the revel was lonely:
+  That when you were near,
+    Time ever was fleetest,
+  And deem your loved voice
+    Of all music the sweetest.
+  Who would own her heart thine,
+    Though a monarch beset it,
+  And love on unchanged--
+    Don't you wish you may get it?
+
+  You say you would rove
+    Where the bud cannot wither;
+  Where Araby's perfumes
+    Each breeze wafteth thither.
+  Where the lute hath no string
+    That can waken a sorrow;
+  Where the soft twilight blends
+    With the dawn of the morrow;
+  Where joy kindles joy,
+    Ere you learn to forget it,
+  And care never comes--
+    Don't you wish you may get it?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"SYLLABLES WHICH BREATHE OF THE SWEET SOUTH."
+
+JOEY HUME is about to depart for Switzerland: for, finding his flummery of
+no avail at Leeds, we presume he intends to go to _Schaff_-hausen, to try
+the _Cant_-on.
+
+
+MARRIAGE AND CHRISTENING EXTRAORDINARY.
+
+We beg to congratulate Lord John Russell on his approaching union with Lady
+Fanny Elliot. His lordship is such a persevering votary of Hymen, that we
+think he should be named "_Union-Jack_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+OMINOUS.
+
+LORD PALMERSTON, on his road to Windsor, narrowly escaped being upset by a
+gentleman in a gig. We have been privately informed that the party with
+whom he came in collision was--Sir Robert Peel.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+CROSS READINGS.
+
+          (REC.)
+        If you ever should be
+        In a state of _ennui_,
+        Just listen to me,
+        And without any fee
+    I'll give you a hint how to set yourself free.
+    Though dearth of intelligence weaken the news,
+    And you feel an incipient attack of the blues,
+    For amusement you never need be at a loss,
+    If you take up the paper and _read it_ across.
+        (INTER ARIA DEMI LOQUI.)
+        Here's the _Times_, apropos,
+          And so,
+        With your patience, I'll show
+    What I mean, by perusing a passage or two.
+          (ARIA.)
+  "Hem! Mr. George Robins is anxious to tell,
+  In very plain prose, he's instructed to sell"--
+  "A vote for the county"--"packed neatly in straw"--
+  "Set by Holloway's Ointment"--"a limb of the law."
+  "The army has had secret orders to seize"--
+  "As soon as they can"--"the industrious fleas."
+    For amusement you never need be at a loss,
+    If you take a newspaper and read it across.
+
+  "The opera opens with"--"elegant coats"--
+  "For silver and gold we exchange foreign notes"--
+  "Specific to soften mortality's ills"--
+  "And cure Yorkshire bacon"--"take Morison's pills."
+  "Curious coincidence"--"steam to Gravesend."
+  "Tale of deep interest"--"money to lend"--
+  "Louisa is waiting for William to send."
+    For amusement you never need be at a loss,
+    If you take a newspaper and read it across.
+
+  "For relief of the Poles"--"an astounding feat!"--
+  "A respectable man"--"for a water will eat"--
+  "The Macadamised portion of Parliament-street."
+  "Mysterious occurrence!"--"expected _incog_."
+  "To be viewed by cards only"--"a terrible fog."
+  "At eight in the morning the steam carriage starts"--
+  "Takes passengers now"--"to be finished in parts."
+    For amusement you never need be at a loss,
+    If you take a newspaper and read it across.
+
+  "Left in a cab, and"--"the number not known"
+  "A famous prize ox, weighing 200 stone"--
+  "He speaks with a lisp"--"has a delicate shape"--
+  "And had _on_, when he quitted, a Macintosh cape."
+  "For China direct, a fine"--"dealer in slops."
+  "To the curious in shaving"--"new way to dress chops."
+  "Repeal of the corn"--"was roasted for lunch"--
+  "Teetotal beverage "--"Triumph of PUNCH!"
+    For amusement you never need be at a loss,
+    If you take a newspaper and read it across.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A CON. BY DUNCOMBE.
+
+"Why are four thousand eight hundred and forty yards of land obtained on
+credit like a drinking song?"--"Because it's _an-acre-on-tic_."--"I think I
+had you there!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A WOOD CUT.
+
+A correspondent of one of the morning papers exultingly observes, that the
+_wood-blocks_ which are about being removed from Whitehall are in
+_excellent condition_. If this is an allusion to the present ministry, we
+should say, emphatically, NOT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+REVENGE IS SWEET.
+
+The Tories in Beverley have been wreaking their vengeance on their
+opponents at the late election, by ordering their tradesmen who voted
+against the Conservative candidate to _send in their bills_. Mr. Duncombe
+declares that this is a mode of revenge he never would condescend to adopt.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+  If Farren, cleverest of men,
+    Should go to the right about,
+  What part of town will he be then?--
+    Why, _Farren-done-without!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"WHAT HO! APOTHECARY."
+
+Cox, a pill-doctor at Leeds, it is reported, modestly requested a check for
+L10, for the honour of his vote. Had his demand been complied with, we
+presume the bribe would have been endorsed, "This draught to be taken at
+poll time."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+QUESTION BY THE DISOWNED OF NOTTINGHAM.
+
+Why do men who are about to fight a duel generally choose a _field_ for the
+place of action?
+
+
+ANSWER BY COLONEL SIBTHORP.
+
+I really cannot tell; unless it be for the purpose of allowing the balls to
+_graze_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+REVIEW.
+
+_Two Prize Essays_. By LORD MELBOURNE and SIR ROBERT PEEL. 8 vols. folio.
+London: Messrs. SOFTSKIN and TINGLE, Downing-street.
+
+We congratulate the refined and sensitive publishers on the production of
+these elaborately-written gilt-edged folios, and trust that no remarks will
+issue from the press calculated to affect the digestion of any of the
+parties concerned. The sale of the volumes will, no doubt, be commensurate
+with the public spirit, the wisdom, and the benevolence which has uniformly
+characterised the career of their illustrated authors. Two more
+_statesmanlike_ volumes never issued from the press; in fact, the books may
+be regarded as typical of _all_ statesmen. The subject, or rather the line
+of argument, is thus designated by the respective writers:--
+
+ESSAY I.--"On the Fine Art of Government, or how to do the least possible
+good to the country in the longest possible time, and enjoy, meanwhile, the
+most ease and luxury." By LORD MELBOURNE.
+
+ESSAY II.--"On the Science of Governing, or how to do the utmost possible
+good for ourselves in the shortest possible time, under the name of our
+altars, and our throne, and everybody that is good and wise." By SIR ROBERT
+PEEL.
+
+We are quite unable to enter into a review of these very costly
+productions, an estimate of the _value_ of which the public will be sure to
+receive from "authority," and be required to meet the amount, not only with
+cheerful loyalty, but a more weighty and less noisy _acknowledgment_.
+
+As to the Prize, it has been adjudged by PUNCH to be divided equally
+between the two illustrious essayists; to the one, in virtue of his
+incorrigible laziness, and to the other, in honour of his audacious
+rapacity.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+TO THE LAUGHTER-LOVING PUBLIC.
+
+PUNCH begs to inform the inhabitants of Great Britain, Ireland, and the
+Isle of Dogs, that he has just opened on an entirely new line, an Universal
+Comic Railroad, and Cosmopolitan Pleasure Van for the transmission of _bon
+mots_, puns, witticisms, humorous passengers, and queer figures, to every
+part of the world. The engines have been constructed on the most laughable
+principles, and being on the high-pressure principle, the manager has
+provided a vast number of patent anti-explosive fun-belts, to secure his
+passengers against the danger of suddenly bursting.
+
+The train starts every Saturday morning, under the guidance of an
+experienced punster. The departure of the train is always attended with
+immense laughter, and a tremendous rush to the booking-office. PUNCH,
+therefore, requests those who purpose taking places to apply early, as
+there will be no
+
+[Illustration: RESERVED SEATS!]
+
+N.B.--Light jokes booked, and forwarded free of expense. Heavy articles not
+admitted at any price.
+
+*** Wanted an epigrammatic porter, who can carry on a smart dialogue, and
+occasionally deliver light jokes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+CHANT.
+
+TO OLD FATHER TIME.
+
+  Time--old Time--whither away?
+  Linger a moment with us, I pray;
+  Too soon thou spreadest thy wings for flight;
+          Dip, boy, dip
+          In the bowl thy lip,
+  And be jolly, old Time, with us to-night.
+                          Dip, dip, &c.
+
+  Time--old Time--thy scythe fling down;
+  Garland thy pate with a myrtle crown,
+  And fill thy goblet with rosy wine;--
+          Fill, fill up,
+          The joy-giving cup,
+  Till it foams and flows o'er the brim like mine.
+                          Fill, fill, &c.
+
+  Time--old Time--sighing is vain,
+  Pleasure from thee not a moment can gain;
+  Fly, old greybeard, but leave us your glass
+          To fill as we please,
+          And drink at our ease,
+  And count by our brimmers the hours as they pass.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE DRAMA
+
+
+ROMEO AND JULIET.
+
+Italy! land of love and maccaroni, of pathos and puppets--tomb of Romeo and
+Juliet--birth-place of Punch and Judy--region of romance--country of the
+concentrated essences of all these;--carnivals--I, PUNCH, the first and
+last, the alpha and omega of fun, adore thee! From the moment when I was
+cast upon thy shores, like Venus, out of the sea, to this sad day, when I
+am forced to descend from my own stage to mere criticism; have I preserved
+every token that would endear my memory to thee! My nose is still Roman, my
+mouth-organ plays the "genteelest of" Italian "tunes"--my scenes represent
+the choicest of Italian villas--in "choice Italian" doth my devil swear--to
+wit, "_shal-la-bella!_"
+
+Longing to be still more reminded of thee, dear Italy, I threw a large
+cloak over my hunch, and a huge pair of spectacles over my nose, and
+ensconced myself in a box at the Haymarket Theatre, to witness the fourth
+appearance of my rival puppet, Charles Kean, in Romeo. He is an actor! What
+a deep voice--what an interesting lisp--what a charming whine--what a
+vigorous stamp, he hath! How hard he strikes his forehead when he is going
+into a rage--how flat he falls upon the ground when he is going to die! And
+then, when he has killed Tybalt, what an attitude he strikes, what an
+appalling grin he indulges his gaping admirers withal!
+
+This is real acting that one pays one's money to see, and not such an
+unblushing imposition as Miss Tree practises upon us. Do we go to the play
+to see nature? of course not: we only desire to see the actors playing at
+being natural, like Mr. Gallot, Mr. Howe, Mr. Worral, or Mr. Kean, and
+other actors. This system of being too natural will, in the end, be the
+ruin of the drama. It has already driven me from the Stage, and will, I
+fear, serve the great performers I nave named above in the same manner. But
+the Haymarket Juliet overdoes it; she is more natural than nature, for she
+makes one or two improbabilities in the plot of the play seem like
+every-day matters of fact. Whether she falls madly in love at the first
+glance, agrees to be married the next afternoon, takes a sleeping draught,
+throws herself lifeless upon the bed, or wakes in the tomb to behold her
+poisoned lover, still in all these situations she behaves like a sensible,
+high-minded girl, that takes such circumstances, and makes them appear to
+the audience--quite as a matter of course! What let me ask, was the use of
+the author--whose name, I believe, was Shakspere--purposely contriving
+these improbabilities, if the actors do not make the most of them? I do
+hope Miss Tree will no longer impose upon the public by pretending to _act_
+Juliet. Let her try some of the characters in Bulwer's plays, which want
+all her help to make them resemble women of any nation, kindred, or
+country.
+
+Much as I admire Kean, I always prefer the acting of Wallack; there is more
+variety in the tones of his voice, for Kean tunes his pipes exactly as my
+long-drummer sets his drum;--to one pitch: but as to action, Wallack--more
+like my drummer--beats him hollow; he points his toes, stands a-kimbo,
+takes off his hat, and puts it on again, quite as naturally as if he
+belonged to the really legitimate drama, and was worked by strings cleverly
+pulled to suit the action to _every_ word. Wallack is an honest performer;
+_he_ don't impose upon you, like Webster, for instance, who as the
+Apothecary, speaks with a hungry voice, walks with a tottering step, moves
+with a helpless gait, which plainly shows that he never studied the
+part--he must have starved for it. Where will this confounded naturalness
+end?
+
+The play is "got up," as we managers call it, capitally. The dresses are
+superb, and so are the properties. The scenery exhibited views of different
+parts of the city, and was, so far as I am a judge, well painted. I have
+only one objection to the balcony scene. Plagiarism is mean and
+contemptible--I despise it. I will not apply to the Vice-Chancellor for an
+injunction, because the imitation is so vilely caricatured; but the balcony
+itself is the very counterpart of PUNCH'S theatre!--PUNCH.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+MY FRIEND THE CAPTAIN.
+
+When a new farce begins with duck and green peas, it promises well; the
+sympathies of the audience are secured, especially as the curtain rises but
+a short time before every sober play-goer is ready for his supper. Mr.
+Gabriel Snoxall is seated before the comsstibles above mentioned--he is
+just established in a new lodging. It is snug--the furniture is neat--being
+his own property, for he is an _un_furnished lodger. A bachelor so situated
+must be a happy fellow. Mr. Snoxall is happy--a smile radiates his face--he
+takes wine with himself; but has scarcely tapped the decanter for his first
+glass, before he hears a tap at his door. The hospitable "Come in!" is
+answered by the appearance of Mr. Dunne Brown, a captain by courtesy, and
+Snoxall's neighbour by misfortune. Here business begins.
+
+The ancient natural historian has divided the _genus homo_ into the two
+grand divisions of victimiser and victim. Behold one of each class before
+you--the yeast and sweat-wort, as it were, which brew the plot! Brown
+invites himself to dinner, and does the invitation ample justice; for he
+finds the peas as green as the host; who he determines shall be done no
+less brown than the duck. He possesses two valuable qualifications in a
+diner-out--an excellent appetite, and a habit of eating fast, consequently
+the meal is soon over. Mr. Brown's own tiger clears away, by the ingenious
+method of eating up what is left. Mr. Snoxall is angry, for he is hungry;
+but, good easy man, allows himself to be mollified to a degree of softness
+that allows Mr. Brown to borrow, not only his tables and chairs, but his
+coat, hat, and watch; just, too, in the very nick of time, for the bailiffs
+are announced. What is the hunted creditor to do? Exit by the window to be
+sure.
+
+A character invented by farce-writers, and retained exclusively for their
+use--for such folks are seldom met with out of a farce--lives in the next
+street. He has a lovely daughter, and a nephew momentarily expected from
+India, and with those persons he has, of course, not the slighest
+acquaintance; and a niece, by marriage, of whose relationship he is also
+entirely unconscious. His parlours are made with French windows; they are
+open, and invite the bailiff-hunted Brown into the house. What so natural
+as that he should find out the state of family affairs from a loquacious
+Abigail, and should personate the expected nephew? Mr. Tidmarsh (the
+property old gentleman of the farce-writers) is in ecstacics. Mrs. T. sees
+in the supposed Selbourne a son-in-law for her daughter, whose vision is
+directed to the same prospects. Happy, domestic circle! unequalled family
+felicity! too soon, alas! to be disturbed by a singular coincidence. Mr.
+Snoxall, the victim, is in love with Miss Sophia, the daughter. Ruin
+impends over Brown; but he is master of his art: he persuades Snoxall not
+to undeceive the family of Tidmarsh, and kindly undertakes to pop the
+question to Sophia on behalf of his friend, whose sheepishness quite equals
+his softness. Thus emboldened, Brown inquires after a "few loose
+sovereigns," and Snoxall, having been already done out of his chairs,
+clothes, and watch, of course lends the victimiser his purse, which
+contains twenty.
+
+Mr. Brown's career advances prosperously; he makes love in the dark to his
+supposed cousin _pro_ Snoxall, in the hearing of the supposed wife (for the
+real Selbourne has been married privately) and his supposed friend, both
+supposing him false, mightily abuse him, all being still in the dark. At
+length the real Selbourne enters, and all supposition ends, as does the
+farce, poetical justice being administered upon the captain by courtesy, by
+the bailiffs who arrest him. Thus he, at last, becomes really Mr. Dunne
+Brown.
+
+The farce was successful, for the actors were perfect, and the audience
+good-humoured. We need hardly say who played the hero; and having named
+Wrench, as the nephew, who was much as usual, everybody will know how. Mr.
+David Rees is well adapted for Snoxall, being a good figure for the part,
+especially in the duck-and-green-peas season. The ladies, of whom there
+were four, performed as ladies generally do in farces on a first night.
+
+We recommend the readers of PUNCH to cultivate the acquaintance of "My
+Friend the Captain." They will find him at home every evening at the
+Haymarket. We suspect his paternity may be traced to a certain _corner_,
+from whose merit several equally successful broad-pieces have been issued.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+LITERARY QUERIES AND REPLIES
+
+BY DISTINGUISHED PERSONAGES.
+
+
+QUESTION BY SIR EDWARD LYTTON BULWER, BART,
+
+"What romance is that which outght to be most admired in the kitchen?"
+
+ANSWER BY THEODORE HOOK.
+
+"Don Quixote; because it was written by _Cervantes_--(servantes).--Rather
+low, Sir Ned."
+
+
+QUESTION BY LADY BLESSINGTON,
+
+"When is a lady's neck not a neck?"
+
+ANSWER BY LADY MORGAN.
+
+"For shame now!--When it is a _little bare_ (bear), I suppose."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A SPEECH FROM THE HUSTINGS.
+
+The following is a correct report of a speech made by one of the candidates
+at a recent election in the north of England.
+
+    THOMAS SMITH, Esq., then presented himself, and said--" *   *   *
+    *      *      *     *     *      crisis      *     *      *     *
+    *      *      *     *     *     *     *     *      *    important
+    dreadful   *     *     *     *      *     industry    *    *    *
+    *     *     *    enemies     *     *         slaves      *      *
+    independence      *     *     *     *       *      *      freedom
+    *      *      *     *     *     firmly      *      *      *     *
+    gloriously     *     *     *     *    contested    *     *      *
+    *      *     *     support      *      *     *     *     victory,
+    Hurrah!----"
+
+Mr. Smith then sat down; but we regret that the uproar which prevailed,
+prevents us giving a fuller report of his very eloquent and impressive
+speech.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+FASHIONABLE MOVEMENTS.
+
+COUNT D'ORSAY declares that no gentleman having the slightest pretensions
+to fashionable consideration can be seen out of doors except on a Sunday,
+as on that day bailiffs and other low people keep at home.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+EPIGRAM ON A VERY LARGE WOMAN.
+
+    "All flesh is grass," so do the Scriptures say;
+    But grass, when cut and dried, is turned to hay;
+  Then, lo; if Death to thee his scythe should take,
+  God bless us! what a haycock thou wouldst make.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+An author that lived somewhere has such a _brilliant_ wit, that he
+contracted to light the parish with it, and did it.
+
+"Our church clock," say the editors of a down-cast paper, "_keeps time_ so
+well that we _get_ a day out of every week by it."
+
+A man in Kentucky has a horse which is so slow, that his hind legs always
+get first to his journey's end.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+1, July 24, 1841, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
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