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diff --git a/14919.txt b/14919.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..bdd6579 --- /dev/null +++ b/14919.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1670 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 103, +July 30, 1892, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 103, July 30, 1892 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14919] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 103. + + + +July 30, 1892. + + + + +IAGO IN BIRMINGHAM. + +(_SHAKSPEARE ONCE MORE ON THE SITUATION._) + +[Illustration] + + _Iago_ MR. J-S-PH CH-MB-RL-N. + _Roderigo_ MR. J-SSE C-LL-NS. + +_Roderigo._ Thou told'st me thou did'st hold him in thy hate. + +_Iago._ Despise me, if I did not. The great ones of the City, + In personal suit to make me his Lieutenant, + Off-capped to him:--and, by the faith of man, + I know my price--I am worth no worse a place; + But he, as loving his own pride and purposes, + Evades them with a bombast circumstance, + Horribly stuffed with epithets of war; + And, in conclusion, + Nonsuits my meditators; for, "Certes," says he, + "I have already chose my officer." And who was he? + Forsooth, a great Arithmetician. + * * * * * + That never set a squadron in the field, + Nor the division of a battle knows + More than a spinster; unless the bookish theorick, + Wherein the toged Consul can propose + As masterly as he; mere prattle, without practice, + Is all his soldiership. + _But, Sir, he had the Election!_ + + * * * * * + +A RESULT OF BEING HOSPITABLE. + + SCENE--_Small, but Fashionable Club in West-End._ + +_Algy._ Waiter! bring me a brandy-and-soda. Don't feel up to the +average to-day. + +_Hughie._ Late last night? + +_Algy._ Yes. Went to Mrs. CRAMMERLY's Dance, Prince's Gate. Goodness +knows _why_ I went! I don't think they'll get me there again in a +hurry. + +_Charlie_ (_waking up from arm-chair_). Were _you_ a victim too? I +didn't see you there! + +_Algy._ No. Because I probably left before you arrived. I had had +enough of it in an hour, and came on here to supper; not before I +had nearly poisoned myself with a concoction that old CRAMMERLY was +asserting loudly, was an "'80 wine." + +_Charlie_ (_laughing_). Ah! my dear friend, _I_ had been there before, +and knew the ropes. Took pretty good care to steer clear of the wine, +and got a chap to give me a whiskey-and-soda. + +_Uninvited Member._ May I ask where was this charming Party? + +_Algy._ At the CRAMMERLY's, Prince's Gate. Colonel CRAMMERLY. + +_Uninvited M._ Colonel CRAMMERLY! Let's see, was he an old Crimea man? + +_Algy._ _No_!--He _was_ Colonel in the Bounders Green Volunteers. +(_Roars of laughter._) You know "CRAMMERLY's Starch"--made a fortune +out of it. + +_Charlie._ He must have spent a bit of it last night. They say the +flowers alone cost over a thousand pounds. + +[Illustration] + + _Enter_ Captain O. + +_Captain O._ Talking about the Colonel CRAMMERLY Party, eh? (_To_ +Uninvited M.) Were you there? + +_Uninvited M._ (_very satirically_). Oh, dear no! I fear I'm not +smart enough to warrant my admittance into that _charmed_ and _select_ +circle. [_Roars of laughter._ + +_Capt. O._ By Jove, you were well out of it. (_Addressing the Club +generally._) Did--you ever see such--eh? + +_Charlie._ I want to know where the deuce they get their men from. + +_Algy._ I fancy they discover them in the City. + +_Jack._ _I_ never met--such shocking people before. + +_Capt. O._ Too dreadful for words. I could only conclude they must +have been relations. [_Roars of laughter._ + +_Jack._ By the way, did you notice that there was a "bounder" who was +reversing? + +_Uninvited M._ (_with great indignation_). No!!! + +_Jack._ I tell you it's a positive fact--I know it to my cost; for I +was dancing with that youngest daughter, you know--the one who has the +fluffy fringe over her forehead--and the brute bounced against us, +and sent us flying. Never even apologised. If I could have got him +outside, I declare I would have given him a deuced good hiding. A man +like that ought to be kicked. + +_Uninvited M._ Were the women any better? + +_Algy._ Well, if you call Mrs. DASH any better! + +_Uninvited M._ (_with tragic intensity_). You _don't_ mean to say +_she_ was there! + +_Algy._ I _do_. + +_Uninvited M._ But do you mean to say that Mrs. CRAMMERLY has heard-- + +_Jack._ No. She's deaf. [_Laughter._ + +_Uninvited M._ Well, you _do_ surprise me! (_After a long pause._) Any +other shining lights of London Society? + +_Jack._ No--except that fearful Mrs. JUSSOPH and her daughters, who +honoured me with an invitation to their afternoon party at their +suburban residence at _West Kensington_. I don't know whether you +regard them as an illumination. [_Roars of laughter._ + +_Uninvited M._ (_triumphantly._) Good gracious! Then there was +positively no one there that one knows. + +_Algy_ (_thinking he has said something original_). No one, that one +_wants_ to know. + +_Uninvited M._ I suppose the whole thing was done for an +advertisement--? + +_Algy._ Possibly. Anyhow, once bitten, twice shy. They won't get _me_ +inside their stuccoed palace again. + +_Chorus of Those who were at the Party._ Same here! [_Pause._ + +_Capt. O._ (_lighting cigar by candle_). By the way, JACK, did old +CRAM. ask you to Scotland for the 12th? + +_Jack._ Yes. + +_Capt. O._ So he did me. Shall you go? + +_Jack._ It depends--I think so--if I don't get anything better. I'm +told it's a wonderful shoot. They pulled down over a thousand birds +the first day, last year. + +_Capt. O._ Does old CRAMMERLY shoot? + +_Jack._ Oh dear no! He's as blind as a bat. He only rents it for his +friends. + +_Capt. O._ (_greatly relieved_). That's good news, for he's a terrible +bore. He'd be a shocking nuisance on the Moors. I must say, I can't +stand _him_ at any price. + +_Jack._ No, nor any of the family, for the matter of that. Well, ta, +ta! Perhaps we shall meet there. I'm off to the Empire, to join some +friends who've got a box. + + [_Exit to enjoy further hospitality._ + + * * * * * + +"PERFIDIOUS ALBION" AGAIN.--Lieutenant MIZON, with his grievances +against the British Niger Company, was _feted_ last week in Paris. +To inform Frenchmen that the British Company in question is not so +_niger_ as it has been painted would be useless at the present moment, +when Frenchmen are still loud in their applause of the speech made by +the Prefect of the Seine in such a _Mizon-scene_. [N.B.--_Jeu de mot_ +forwarded by our own "Prefect of the In-Seine."] + + * * * * * + +FROM NEWCASTLE.--Mr. HAMOND, M.P. for Newcastle, charged Mr. JOHN +MORLEY with having made a certain statement. Mr. MORLEY denied it, and +asked Mr. HAMOND to substantiate the charge. Mr. HAMOND could not do +this, nor did he apologise. Is this the "_'Amond honorable_"? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SIR CARLOS EUAN-SMITHEZ; OR, THE INSULTING SULTAN AND +THE HIGH-TONED CHRISTIAN KNIGHT. + +_A MODERN MOORISH BALLAD, AFTER THE FASHION OF BON GAULTIER._] + + Brave Sir CARLOS EUAN-SMITHEZ! basely have they borne thee down; + Thousands, thirty, would they tip thee as a churl they'd tip a + crown? + Thou at home hadst shown that Sultan with emphatic toe the door; + In Morocco thou didst coolly turn thy back upon the Moor. + + Long in fiery Fez he lingered, subtle SMITHEZ, being bound + To contract Commercial Treaty with the minions of MAHOUND. + Full eight weeks' negociations smoothed that Treaty's parlous way; + On the fifth July the Sultan swore it should be signed next day. + + But the false Frank's furtive whisper at the Sultan's ear was heard. + (When the Frank may foil the Saxon won't he do so? Like a bird!) + And the treacherous Moorish Monarch, to his people's interest blind, + Sold the sham he dubbed his honour, changed the thing he deemed + his mind. + + "Christian Knight," began the Monarch ("knight" was diplomat for + "dog"), + "There is something in your Treaty, that I relish--like roast hog. + Know Morocco is no home for Factories and Colossal Stores; + And the omnipresent Bagman is a bugbear to my Moors! + + "All my Cadis, all my ladies, wish at--Hades Western Trade. + You must make large alterations in the Treaty we've half made; + Shape it not in Christian interests, Christian Knight, but in + MAHOUND's, + And--incline thine ear!--I'll give thee, Christian, Thirty + Thousand Pounds!!!" + + Enter black slave bearing Treasure! Ranged bags of glittering gold! + Then upspake brave EUAN-SMITHEZ. "Hold, base Sultan; minion, hold! + Dost thou think to bribe and buy a Christian Knight? A Paynim plan! + If _I_ take it, thou mayst sell me to a Moorish dog's-meat man!" + + Then his steed obeyed his master, and he whinnied loud and free, + Turned his back upon the tempter, caracoled with coltish glee; + Struck out with his heels behind him, smote that slave upon the + nose, + Kicked the bags until the bullion in a Danae shower arose. + + Never DON FERNANDO's charger, _Bavieca_, gave such spring, + In the sawdust-sprinkled circus of AL-WIDDICOMB, the King! + Never did DON GOMERSALEZ fill the Moslem with more fear, + When he smote him o'er the mazzard with his streak-o'-lightning + spear! + + And the scattered gold flew widely, urged by that prodigious kick, + Smote the Frank behind the throne, although he dodged amazing quick; + Spattered that insulting Sultan, like a splash of London mud, + Blackening his dexter eye, and from his "boko" drawing blood. + + Then Sir CARLOS EUAN-SMITHEZ gave that Moorish Sultan beans, + Holding it foul scorn--as did the pluckiest of Christian Queens-- + a Christian Knight should take an insult from a turban'd Moor, + Without landing him a hot 'un, without giving him what-for! + + Speed thee, speed thee, noble charger! Speed thee faster than the + wind! + Stout Sir CARLOS EUAN-SMITHEZ leaves that Moorish Fez behind; + Shakes its sand from off his shoes, and, having wiped the Sultan's + eye, + Turns his back, and takes his hook, without e'en wishing him + "Good-bye!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PARLIAMENTARY PRIVILEGE. + +_Wife of the Late Member for Tooting._ "ARCHIBALD, WHY WERE YOU SO +GRUMPY AT THE BIGGE BOOTHBYS' TO-NIGHT?" + +_L.M. for T._ "SUCH PEOPLE, SUCH A DINNER, FOR A MAN WHO HAS JUST LOST +HIS SEAT!" + +_Wife._ "I'M SURE PARLIAMENT DIDN'T DO ANYTHING FOR YOU!" + +_L.M. for T._ "AT LEAST IT SPARED ME THIS SORT OF THING HAPPENING SIX +TIMES A WEEK!"] + + * * * * * + +OPERATIC NOTES. + +_Last Nights of the Season._--_Monday._--"By General Desire," the +Second and Third Acts of DE LARA-Boom-de-ay's Opera, called _La Luce +dell' Asia_, followed by _Cavalleria Rusticana_. Was "by general +desire" applied to the entire programme, or only to its first part? +Well, we may take for granted that everyone wanted to hear and see +again--but especially to hear--the _Cavalleria_. So the "special +desire" must apply to _La Luce_ solely and only. If so, then from this +wording we gather that the general and uncontrollable desire to hear +the Second and Third Acts of DE LA-RA-Boom's Opera did not extend to +its Prologue, First Act, Fourth Act (if any), and Epilogue. But is +it complimentary to a Composer to express a general wish to hear only +certain portions of his work, implying thereby that the generally +un-expressed desire is rather against than for re-hearing the other +portions? All the same Sir COVENT GARDENIUS exercises a _sound_ +discretion in thus dealing with this particular Opera. + +_Tuesday._--BEMBERG's New Opera, _Elaine_. + + _Chorus._--Why was _Elaine_ + Given again? + O DRURIOLAN- + US, please explain! + +And he did so, by saying in the programme "[fist] In consequence of +its Great Success and by general desire." Ha! ha! look at the hand, +with index-finger outstretched! By this sign, Sir DRURIOLANUS would +have us to understand that "this Opera was not one which ever went +_without a hand_." Moreover, Sir ORACLE tells us of its "Great +Success;" note the capitals, and note also, the expression itself, +which was not found in the announcement of the repetition of the +Second and Third Acts of the Light Asian Opera on Monday. Isn't +this an artful way of pitting Admirable BEMBERG against our own +accomplished DE-LARA-Boom? "We" were not there either Monday or +Tuesday, which, as far as the inimitable _intermezzo_ of the "Rustic +Chivalry" goes, was distinctly "our" loss. But they were going to do +without us, and they did so; but whether ill or well, this deponent, +meaning "We," knoweth not; and so, we're like Brer Rabbit, who lay low +and said nothin'. Brer Wolf sezzee were kinder sorry he was unable to +go Satterday arternoon for to hear Brer Fox's new Opera, _Nydia, the +Blind Girl_. + +_Friday._--_Don Giovanni._--Madame DOTTI, in taking the _role_ +of _Donna Anna_, "took the cake." Not going "a bit dotty," but in +excellent form. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +BE-LITTLER-ING MR. GLADSTONE'S MAJORITY.--Not that the G.O.M. is +"coming of age in the olden times,"--as somebody's picture has +it,--but that he is coming in with a mixed Majority of atoms difficult +to be assimilated. This much exercises the wigorous brain of Mr. +R.D.M. LITTLER, Q.C. writing to the _Times_. Of course R.D.M. LITTLER, +Q.C.--which initials, being interpreted, may mean, "Railway Directors' +Man"--is the Conservativest of Conservatives--"but that's another +Tory," as one may say, adapting RUDYARD KIPLING's phrase,--and, +difficult as the G.O.M. may find it to get on with the aid of a Little +Majority, he couldn't get on any better with the aid of a Littler. + + * * * * * + +NOTE.--The Guide to Wild West Kensington should announce the objects +of interest in this Buffalo Bill Show, not as "classified," but +"Codyfied." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE EXPRESSED OTHERWISE. + +_Host._ "TAKE A LITTLE WHISKEY BEFORE YOU GO, JONES!" + +_Jones_ (_after helping himself_). "THANKS! MAY I POUR YOU OUT SOME?" + +_Host._ "PLEASE--NOT TOO MUCH--JUST ABOUT HALF WHAT YOU'VE GIVEN +YOURSELF!"] + + * * * * * + +THE TRAVELLER. + +(_MODERN VERSION BY A GRATEFUL COOK'S TOURIST._) + + [Mr. THOMAS COOK, originator of the great "Personally + Conducted" Tourist and Excursionist System, died on Monday the + 18th July, aged 84 years.] + + "Remote, unfriended, melancholy slow, + Or by the lazy Scheldt, or wandering Po?" + Nay, gentle GOLDSMITH, it is thus no more, + None now need fear "the rude Carinthian boor," + The bandit Greek, the Swiss of avid grin, + Or e'en the predatory Bedouin. + Where'er we roam, whatever realms to see, + Our thoughts, great Agent, must revert to thee. + From Parthenon or Pyramid, we look + In travelled ease, and bless the name of COOK! + Eternal blessings crown the wanderer's friend! + At Ludgate Hill may all the world attend. + Blest be that spot where the great world instructor + Assumed the _role_ of Personal Conductor! + Blest be those "parties," with safe-conduct crowned, + Who do in marshalled hosts the Regular Round; + Gregarious gaze at Pyramid or Dome, + The heights of Athens, or the walls of Rome, + Then like flock-folded sheep, are shepherded safe home. + + "Let observation, with extensive view, + Survey mankind from China to Peru." + By all means, yes, or even further fare, + And Afric's forest huge and poisonous Pigmies dare. + But, to avoid the lonely traveller's pain, + From Ludgate Circus drag the well-linked chain; + As Amurath to Amurath succeeds, + So COOK to COOK! THOMAS's grandiose deeds + What Tourist may forget? The great one's gone, + But his vast enterprise shall still march on. + What THOMAS started, is pursued by JOHN. + Peace to the dust of the Great Pioneer, + "Great COOK is dead, long live Great COOK!" we cheer. + + * * * * * + +DARK DOINGS.--Mrs. MARTHA RICKS, the emancipated black slave, who came +all the way from Liberia to pay Her Gracious MAJESTY a morning call, +may be now known as "The QUEEN's Black Woman," or as a companion +silhouette to "SALISBURY's Black Man." Of course she will go back +laden with valuable presents, quite a wealthy old lady, or "_Ricks +Pecuniarum_." + + * * * * * + +THE DUFFER IN POLITICS. + +My country neighbours at Mount Duffer are not literary. So very remote +from this condition are they, that they regard men of letters as +"awful men," in the Shakspearian sense of the word. Consequently, +since those papers began to appear, sometimes, in the pages of _Mr. +Punch_, I have risen in the general esteem. Even JOHN DUC MACNAB has +been heard to admit, that though the MAC DUFFER is "nae gude ava' with +the rod or the rifle, he's a fell ane with the pen in his hand. Nae +man kens what he means, he's that deep." In consequence of the spread +of this flattering belief, I have been approached by various local +Parties, to sound my fathomless depths as a possible Candidate. + +[Illustration] + +First came a deputation of Jacobites. They were all ladies, of +different ages, young and old; all wore ornaments in which the locks +of Queen MARY, CHARLES THE FIRST, Prince CHARLIE, and other Saints and +Martyrs, were conspicuously displayed. Would I stand as a Jacobite? +they asked, and generally in the interests of Romance and Royalism. I +said that I would be delighted; but inquired as to whether we had not +better wait for Female Suffrage. That seemed our best chance, I said. +They replied, that FLORA MACDONALD had no vote, and what was good +enough for her was good enough for them. I then hinted that it would +be well to know for which King, or Queen, I was to unfurl the banner +at Glenfinnon. I also suggested that the modern Crofters did not seem +likely to rally round us. The first question provoked a split, or +rather several splits in our Party. It appeared that some five or +six Pretenders of both sexes, and of intricate genealogies, had their +advocates. An unpleasant scene followed, and things were said which +could never be forgiven. The deputation, which had been expected +to stay to luncheon, retired in tears, exclaiming for a variety of +monarchs all "over the water." + +The local Gladstonians came next. I had never declared myself, they +said. Was I for Home Rule? I said we must first review Mr. GLADSTONE's +numerous writings about HOMER, and then come to Home Rule. "HOMER +stops the way!" Were Mr. GLADSTONES Homeric theories compatible with +a rational frame of mind? Here I felt very strong, and animated with +a keen desire to impart information. The deputation said all this +was ancient history. As to Home Rule itself, they said it really +did not matter. What they wanted was, free poaching, free private +whiskey-stills, free land, and a large head of game, to be kept up by +the proprietor, for the benefit of the glen, as in old times. I said +that these seemed to me to be Utopian demands. If you all fish, and +shoot, and drown the keepers in the linn, I urged, there will soon be +no game left for any of you. No Game-laws, I observed, and you will +obviously have no poaching. There will be nothing to poach, and no +fun in doing it. They said that they would pay keepers to hold the +Southern bodies off, out of the rates, and the rates would be paid by +the Laird--meaning me. I said I knew that several Lairds were standing +on this platform, but that, personally, if my land and rents were to +be taken away, I did not see how the rates were to be got out of my +empty sporran. This was a new idea to them, but I cheered them up +by saying I was in favour of Compulsory Access to Mountains, with +no Personal Option in the matter. This was what the people needed, I +said--they needed to be made to climb mountains, beginning with Box +Hill. On Bank Holidays, I remarked, they never go to the top. They +stay where the beer is. I would have a staff of Inspectors, to see +that they went. The general limbs and lungs would be greatly improved, +and the sale of whiskey, from private stills, would be increased. + +This unlucky remark divided my Party. The Free Kirk Minister wore a +blue ribbon, and was a Temperance-at-any-price politician. Two of "The +Men," however,--a kind of inspired Highland prophets--had a still of +their own, and they and the Minister nearly came to blows. The Party +then withdrew, giving three cheers for Mr. GLADSTONE, but not pledging +themselves to vote for me. + +The Eight Hours' people were at me next. I said I saw that the Bill +would provide employment for a number of people, but I added, that I +did not see who was to pay the wages, nor who was to buy the goods. +For, I remarked, you certainly cannot compete with foreign countries +at this rate, and at home the Classes will be competing with _you_, +being obliged to have recourse to manual labour. They said that was +just what they wanted, everybody to labour with his hands. I answered +that many of the Classes, a poor lot at best (_cheers_), would come +on the Parish. Who was to pay the rates when everybody was working, +and nobody was buying what was made? If there were no markets, where +were you to sell your produce? They said they would live on the land. +I answered that the land would not support the population: you would +need to import bread-stuffs, with what were you going to pay for them? +I added that my heart was with them, but that they could only attain +their ends by massacring or starving three-fourths of the population, +and who knew how he himself might fare, with a three-to-one chance +against his survival? Suppose it did not come to that, I urged, +suppose the Bill gave all the world employment; suppose that, somehow, +it also paid their wages, or supported them, in a very short time you +would need a Four Hours' Bill (_cheers_), a Two Hours' Bill, a One +Hour's Bill, of course with no fall in wages. The constitution of +things would not run to it. + +They said that I had clearly not fought out the economic aspect of +the question. I said that was how my hair was blanched, with trying to +fight it out, but that, somehow, it always baffled me. I added remarks +about squaring the circle, but they said it was a good deal easier to +square Mr. GLADSTONE. The friends of Total Prohibition of Vaccination +and of Beer were waiting, also a deputation, who wanted subscriptions +for a SHELLEY Memorial, Russian Jews, Maxim guns for Missionaries, +and other benevolent objects. I declined to see _them_, however, and +was left to solitude, and to the reflection that I am unfitted for +the sphere of active politics. In this belief the neighbours are now +pretty generally agreed, which, as I have no keen ambition to shine in +Parliament, is a very fortunate circumstance. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A VICTORY OF THE POLLS. + +MENTAL COLLAPSE OF AN ELECTION EDITOR AFTER COMPILING STATISTICS DAY +AND NIGHT FOR THE LAST THREE WEEKS!] + + * * * * * + +LADY GAY'S SELECTIONS. + +_Mount Street, Grosvenor Square._ + +DEAR MR. PUNCH, + +The Race for the Eclipse Stakes at Sandown was productive of +tremendous excitement, and everybody turned pale as the two gallant +horses came up the straight, locked together, but the key to +the situation--Parliamentary phrase, due to the prevalence of +Elections--was held by the champion _Orme_, who managed to get home, +"all out" by a neck!--at least, Lord ARTHUR said he was "_all out_," +though how he could be "_home_" at the same time I don't quite +understand--but he may have been alluding to the backers of _Orvieto_. +I was told that _St. Damien_ "made up a lot of ground at the finish;" +but I can't say I noticed it myself, as the course looked to me +exactly as it did before the race! Dear me! how pleased my friends +the Duke and Duchess of WESTMINSTER did look! and with good reason, +too--it was a wonderful task for _Orme_ to accomplish, with only six +weeks' training!--it must have been a _special_ train all the time; +in fact, the one he was brought to Sandown in, I suppose. + +Being unable to go to Leicester, I took advantage of a military +escort, offered me by--(no--let the gallant officer's name remain a +secret--he little thought he was escorting a Press-lady)--to pay a +visit to the New Wimbledon--and being nothing if not loyal, I chose +the day when the shooting for the "Queen's" commenced. My escort +informed me with an inane smile, that the Camp had experienced "Bisley +weather;" the feebleness of which joke so annoyed me, that I am half +inclined to put his name in the pillory of public print--(what a +glorious expression for our own Midlothian Mouther)--but I refrain, +for reasons connected with Lord ARTHUR. + +I must say that I think Bisley has a more business-like look than +Wimbledon ever had, though perhaps this is scarcely to the taste of +the average feminine visitor, who used to enjoy pic-nicing to the +accompaniment of whizzing bullets, and does not appreciate the latter +without the former. The shooting was very uncertain in the first +stage of the Queen's, as the wind was in a variable mood--(is the wind +_feminine_, I wonder?)--going sometimes at eighteen and sometimes +at thirty miles an hour, which was disconcerting and inconsiderate +behaviour (it _must_ be feminine!)--calculated to annoy any +right-minded Volunteer! Indeed, one notoriously good shot, Private +CHICKEN, although a good _plucked_ one--having made six misses in ten +shots--declined to be _roasted_ by his friends, and retired into his +_casserole_--which is French for tent, I believe--while several other +marksmen (why marksmen?) found themselves carefully placing their +bullets on other people's targets. + +However, I was much struck with the equanimity with which reverses +were accepted by the members of our gallant Amateur Army, and +intend composing an ode in their honour, to be sung in camp to +the accompaniment of bullets, bagpipes, and brass bands! (more +alliteration for the Midlothian Maltese Marriage Merchant), the +refrain of which will run thus:-- + + The Volunteer! The Volunteer!! + No matter how the wind may veer! + Will have no fear! and will not sweer! so do not jeer!!! the + Volunteer!!!" + +--appropriate _patriotic_ music to which will be written by Signor +CLEMENTI SCHIOTTI! + +There is no racing of any importance this week, there being only a +small Meeting under Pic Nic Rules, at a place called Goodwood--(I +write of it in this contemptuous way, as I am not going +myself)--somewhere on the coast of the Solent--to which I need not +allude at any length; I will, therefore, only mention one race +having been so successful lately, that I can afford to rest on my +oars--(rather an insecure position by the way, for anyone who can't +swim!) and remain as usual + +Yours devotedly, LADY GAY. + +CHESTERFIELD CUP SELECTION. + + To win such a race as the Chesterfield Cup, + Is a task wanting speed and endurance; + And the duty of all, ere the ghost giving up, + Is to quickly effect an _Insurance_." + +_P.S._--I don't see any _sense_ in this, but the _rhyme_ is good! + +L.G. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: UNPLEASANT DUTIES OF CLUB LIFE. + +MONSIEUR VICTOR ACHILLE PETROLY, THE NEW CHEF, IS SUDDENLY SUMMONED +BEFORE THE COMMITTEE TO RECEIVE A REPRIMAND. + +THE QUESTION IS, WHO'S TO ADMINISTER IT?] + + * * * * * + +WILLIAM THE WHEELMAN. + +_Enthusiastic Cyclist loquitur_:-- + + I have noticed with unfeigned and real pleasure, + The rapid growth of Cycling. (_How it jumps!_) + To those who have the energy and leisure + It affords--(_Confound this saddle! it so bumps!_) + What otherwise would be quite unattainable, + A healthy, and a pleasurable form + Of exercise. (_Yes, health is hereby gainable;_ + _But I am most uncomfortably warm!_) + + It gives them the advantages of travel, + (_By Jingo! I was nearly over then!_ + _A tumble and the "gravel-rash" would gravel_ + _The nimblest of extremely Grand Old Men_) + Which, previous to the Cycle's happy advent, + Were out of almost everybody's reach. + (_And to the "spirits" of the cycling-cad vent._ + _'Arry on Wheels the law must manners teach._) + + It's really very much more profitable + Than is the long luxurious rail way journey. + (_If in the saddle I feel not more stable,_ + _I'll be "unhorsed," like tilter in a tourney!_) + Monotonous the journey from the City, + Along a fixed unalterable route. + (_This is an old "bone-shaker." 'Tis a pity!_ + _For over the front wheel one's apt to shoot._) + + The traveller's whirled from station unto station, + (_I wish there were more stations on this road_,) + With hardly half a chance for observation. + (_If I know where I am, may I be blowed!_), + Without an opportunity to examine + The district. (_Wish that I could spot a pub!_ + _For I am overdone with thirst and famine,_ + _And see no chance of tipple or of grub!_) + + (_I must travel many miles o'er clay or cobble,_ + _I fear, before I'll have a real rest,_ + _The big wheel and the little shift and wobble,_ + _I think the low pneumatic Cycle's best._ + _Eh? "Dangerous to Cyclists!" That's a notice,_ + _I fancy, that suggests a spin down-hill._ + _How stiff I feel! How very parched my throat is!_ + _Hold up! By Jove, but that was near a spill!_) + + I emphasise the fact that I consider + That, physically--(_Pheugh! that little wheel_ + _Is dangerous as poor old WELLER's "widder_,") + Yes, morally, and socially, I feel + The benefits of Cycling are unbounded, + Almost--(_Almost I fear a nasty fall!_ + _I wish, with big and little wheel confounded,_ + _That I were on a Safety, after all!_) + + * * * * * + +WHISPER BY _AN ILL_ WIND.--If Alderman KNILL cannot conscientiously +attend the Established Church service, whereat it is not essential for +a Lord Mayor to be present, the Court of Aldermen ought to be proud +of him, and elect him "Willy-Knilly" to be Lord Mayor all the same. +Whatever may be the result, of Alderman KNILL nothing but good can be +said. "_Nil nisi bonum._" + + * * * * * + +BLACK GAME.--"Bother Morocco!" says a Sportsman. "What's the news from +the Moors?" + + * * * * * + +A PROSPECT OF THE TWELFTH. + +(_BY AN IMPRESSIONIST._) + +Certainly, I can foresee my adventures. I can tell of my march over +the heather, of my delight as the breezy air sweeps over the moors, +and helps to bronze my already sunburnt face! + +I can fancy the chatter of the keeper as he holds my second gun, and +pays me that attention which can only be wiped off by tips! I can hear +the sound of the first shot, and decipher the meaning of the initial +puff of smoke! + +I can see the shadows disappearing as lunchtime comes to hand. I can +recognise the cart with its goodly contents, and the girls who will +sit beside us as we discuss our modest pies (hot and savoury,) and +quaff our '84. And then I can hear the retreating footsteps as the +darlings trip away, leaving us to resume our chase after the birds. + +And then the shadows will grow longer, and the sun will set behind +the hills in a mass of purple, red, and gold; and it will be time for +us to turn our faces towards the shooting-box that will shelter us +through the long watches of the summer's night. + +And lastly I can see the final halt at the poulterer's, as we purchase +the grouse to fill our bags before the journeying home. + + * * * * * + +A GEOGRAPHICAL THEORY.--"Where _is_ Liberia?" inquired one cultured +person of another, _a propos_ of Mrs. RICKS's interview with the +QUEEN. "I'm sure _I_ don't know," was the answer, "but--judging by the +name--I should think it was _exactly opposite_ to Siberia." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WILLIAM THE WHEELMAN. + +"'I CAN ONLY EMPHASISE THE FACT THAT I CONSIDER THAT PHYSICALLY, +MORALLY, AND SOCIALLY, THE BENEFITS THAT CYCLING CONFERS ON THE MEN +OF THE PRESENT DAY ARE ALMOST UNBOUNDED.' (_Aside._) _WISH I WERE ON +A 'SAFETY'!!_"] + + * * * * * + +MINOR MISERIES. + +NO. I.--TO A LADY ON WHOSE TABLE-CLOTH HE HAD UPSET THE MUSTARD-POT. + + Dear Lady, in your dining-room + I sat, a melancholy slave. + Your smiles could hardly chase my gloom; + While others jested, I was grave. + And still you saw me sit and sit-- + "Enough of this," you said, "come, come, + Be cheerful." While I merely bit + A foolish, irresponsive thumb, + And found no comfort in the act, + And cursed myself, the clumsy Goth, + As void of fingers as of tact, + Who spilt the mustard on the cloth! + + That was the cause of all my woe-- + Good lack, I blame my thumbs in vain; + Still on the cloth's expanded snow + I seem to see that yellow stain. + And still you sit and speak me fair, + And still your Butler grimly smiles, + The while I paint in mustard there + A sketch-map of the British Isles. + I think it had repaid my guilt + Had you flashed fire like Ashtaroth, + And scorched the clumsy wretch who spilt + That flood of mustard on your cloth. + + Beef, pudding, cherry-tart, and cream, + What more could mortal man desire? + I munched them idly in a dream, + My head sang like a village choir. + I fumbled with the silver pot + From which that tawny torrent ran; + I heard you say it mattered not, + To cheer a miserable man. + So here I thank you; may I be + Extinct as is the Behemoth + Rather than spill by Fate's decree + Once more the mustard on your cloth. + + * * * * * + +THE NEXT AFRICAN MISSION. + +(_TELEGRAPHIC PRECIS OF THE NEGOCIATIONS._) + +_First Day._--Arrived safely at the Sultan's capital. Everything in +proper order. Draft Treaty in my trunk with my diplomatic uniform. +Escort in marching order. Ammunition in waggon. Quite ready to +commence negociations. Only waiting for the conjuring paraphernalia +of Herr VON KLEVERMANN to come up with us. Thought that that special +morning performance before the King and Queen of the Cannibal Islands +would delay matters. + +_Second Day._--Herr VON KLEVERMANN and his traps have arrived in +camp. Looked over the conjuring tricks. Sorry to find that one of the +best (the Inexhaustible Bottle) has been stolen by the Queen of the +Cannibal Islands. As time is an object, unable to send back to recover +it. Might have to fight for it, too, which would possibly lessen the +numbers of our escort. Experts declare that the Inexhaustible Bottle +could only be secured at the point of the bayonet. Have arranged for +a meeting with the Sultan to-morrow. + +_Third Day._--Sultan's toothache better. His Majesty having sent word +that he would be glad to see me, I, accompanied by the Interpreter, +the Commander of the Escort, and last, but certainly not least, +Herr VON KLEVERMANN, arrived at the Palace. Found that the Lord High +Chamberlain had been removed yesterday. The Lord High Executioner +was acting in his stead. In fact, this overworked official seemed +to be the solitary survivor of the Imperial Household. The Lord +High Executioner told us that His Majesty had been very irritable +yesterday. The Sultan, he said, was now in a good temper, and was +quite harmless. I found His Majesty most gracious. However, he +said that he was not quite prepared to sign a Commercial Treaty. He +offered, in lieu of signature, to give me twelve sacks of emeralds +(uncut), and the wives of six of his Field-Marshals. Explained that +no representative of England could entertain such a suggestion. The +Sultan, upon this, terminated the interview. + +_Fourth Day._--The Sultan having learned that Herr VON KLEVERMANN +was a member of my _suite_, expressed a wish for a second meeting. +I consequently attended at the Palace. Herr VON KLEVERMANN, having +produced a number of artificial-flowers, a birdcage, and a rabbit, +from an Opera-hat, His Majesty asked the price. I immediately replied, +a Treaty of Commerce. I am to sail again to-morrow. + +_Fifth Day._--Had another interview with His Majesty. The Sultan +wanted to know the terms of the proposed Treaty. I replied, free +access to the interior for British merchandise, and the abolition of +slavery. His Majesty replied, he did not mind the abolition of slavery +so much, on the understanding that the regulation did not apply to +him. Herr VON KLEVERMANN then produced his Magic hat, and brought out +from it a cup of coffee, half-a-dozen recently-washed handkerchiefs, +and a white mouse. The last item caused us to be hurriedly expelled +from the Palace. It appears that the Sultan greatly objects to mice. +The Interpreter should have informed me of this peculiarity. + +_Sixth Day._--Received a message from His Majesty to the effect that +he would be glad to see me and Herr VON KLEVERMANN again, on the +condition that nothing objectionable should be produced from the +Magic hat. Herr VON KLEVERMANN once more gave a _seance_. The eminent +entertainer extracted from the Gibus a portmanteau, a soup-tureen, and +a lady's watch. His Majesty greatly delighted. He signed the Treaty, +and possessed himself of the hat. + +_Seventh Day._--Knowing that it was as well to leave the country as +soon as possible, started early. Herr VON KLEVERMANN had expressed +his doubts whether His Majesty would be satisfied. It appears that +the Magic hat requires a good deal of preparation to be effective. The +Herr's forebodings of evil were speedily verified. The Mission had +not gone a mile before we were followed by the entire army. We made a +demonstration with the machine-gun, which had the effect of destroying +six or seven brigades of the enemy. The Sultan in person, declared +that he considered the Treaty null. Nothing to do but retire as best +we could. + +_Eighth Day._--Deeply regret failure of the Mission. However, find +that the King and Queen of the Cannibal Islands are anxious for +annexation to England. They seem impressed with the notion that +the British Government have power to cause a flow of spirits from +the Inexhaustible Bottle which, since the departure of Herr VON +KLEVERMANN, has ceased to yield alcoholic drinks. Of course, shall do +nothing in this new matter until I receive further instructions. + +_Ninth Day._--Embarked on my return home. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FANCY PORTRAIT. + +THE RIGHT MAN IN THE RIGHT PLACE--BENNETT, M.P. FOR LINCOLN.] + + * * * * * + +ADVICE TO THE G.O.M. + +(_FROM A MATHEMATICAL TORY._) + + Take forty-two, and carry eight + (Eight hours, I mean), then mind your eye; + Bring all your items up to date, + And do your best to multiply + Your sheep by next subtracting votes + From over-suffraged Tory goats. + By Registration Law perplexed, + Take "qualifying periods" next, + And at one swoop reduce with glee + Twelve months, or more, to only three. + Add labour to your motley crew, + Subtract (from life) a church or two. + Produce, with geometric skill, + The lines of many a promised bill. + But state--the Unionists to vex-- + That Home Rule always equals _x_. + Raise, in a rash, disastrous hour, + Campaigning Ireland to a power. + And thus, to prayers and protests deaf, + Bisect the Empire. _Q.E.F._ + + * * * * * + +PRETENCE VERSUS DEFENCE. + + SCENE--_Whitehall. Time--The Present. Enter Universal + Inspector-General, accompanied by Mr. Admiralty Official._ + +_Universal Inspector-General._ So you are going to have Naval +Manoeuvres after all, Mr. Admiralty Official? + +_Mr. Adm. Official._ Yes, General, we are. + +_Un. Ins.-Gen._ And are you going to do anything new this time? + +_Mr. Ad. Off._ Nothing more than the usual meaningless cruising. + +_Un. Ins.-Gen._ I read something about the landing of the wounded? + +_Mr. Ad. Off._ Ah--that _is_ new! We are going to "assume" a number +of wounded. To quote from the _Regulations_--"Before the ships leave +for the ports, officers in command of fleets and squadrons are to +communicate to each Commander-in-Chief, by telegraph, the aggregate +number of assumed wounded that may be expected to reach his port." + +_Un. Ins.-Gen._ Tell me what do we want with these pointless +Manoeuvres? Wouldn't it have answered everyone's purpose if there +had been a lecture in lieu of them at the Royal United Service +Institution? + +_Mr. Ad. Off._ I should not be surprised. + +_Un. Ins.-Gen._ Then why run into this unnecessary expense? + +_Mr. Ad. Off._ You really must ask my successor! + + [_Exeunt severally._ + + * * * * * + +THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CANVASS. + +(_A PURELY IMAGINARY SKETCH._) + +[Illustration: "_You_ know 'ow to do it!"] + + SCENE--_A Portico in Portman Square. Mr. BENJAMIN GULCHER + (an ardent Radical Artisan, canvassing the district on behalf + of a "pal" of his, who is putting up as a Labour Candidate), + discovered on the doorstep._ + +_Mr. Gulcher_ (_to himself--after knocking_). Some might think it was +on'y waste of time me callin' at a swell 'ouse o' this sort--but them +as lives in the 'ighest style is orfen the biggest demmycrats. Yer +_never_ know! Or p'raps this Sir NORMAN NASEBY ain't made his mind up +yet, and I can tork him over to _our_ way o' thinking. (_The doors +are suddenly flung open by two young men in a very plain and sombre +livery._) Two o' the _young_ 'uns, I s'pose. (_Aloud._) 'Ow _are_ yer? +Father in, d'yer know? + +_First Footman_ (_loftily_). I don't know anything about your father, +I'm sure. Better go down the airey-steps and inquire there. + +_Mr. G._ (_annoyed with himself._) It's my mistake. I didn't see yer +were on'y flunkeys at first. It's yer Guv'nor _I_ want--the ole man! + +_First Footman_ (_with cold dignity_). If you are illewding to Sir +NORMAN, he is not at home. + +_Mr. G._ (_indignantly_). 'Ow can yer tell me sech a falsehood, when +I can see him myself, a-dodgin' about down there in the passage! +(_Forces his way past the astonished men into the hall, and addresses +a stately Butler in plain clothes._) 'Ere, Sir NASEBY, I've come in to +'ave a little tork with you on the quiet like. + +_The Butler_ (_not displeased_). I don't happen to be Sir NORMAN +himself, my good man. Sir NORMAN is out. + +_Mr. G._ Out, is he? _that's_ a pity! I wanted to see him on important +business. But look 'ere--p'raps his Missus is in--_She'll_ do! (_To +himself._) I gen'ally git along with the wimmin-folk--_some_ 'ow! + +_The Butler._ I can't say if her Ladyship is at home. If you like to +send up your name, I'll inquire. + +_Mr. G._ You tell her Mr. BENJAMIN GULCHER is 'ere, if she'll step +down a minnit. She needn't _'urry_, yer know, if she's 'aving her +dinner or cleanin' herself. (_To himself, as the_ Butler _departs +noiselessly._) Civil-spoken party that--one o' the lodgers, seemin'ly. +Roomy sort o' crib this 'ere. Wonder what they pay a week for it! + +_Butler_ (_returning_). Her Ladyship will see you, if you will step +this way. + + [_Mr. G. is taken up a staircase, and ushered into + the presence of Lady NASEBY, who is seated at her + writing-table._ + +_Lady N._ (_still writing_). One moment, please. My husband is out +just now--but if you will kindly state the nature of your business +with him, I daresay I could--(_She looks up._) Good Heavens! What +could have possessed CLARKSON to show such a person as that in _here_! +(_To herself._) + +_Mr. G._ (_in his most ingratiating manner_). Well, Mum, in the +absence of his Lordship, I am sure you'll prove a 'ighly agreerble +substitoot! + +_Lady N._ (_freezingly_). May I ask you to tell me--in two words--what +it is you wish to see him about. + +_Mr. G._ _Certingly_ you may, Mum! It's like this 'ere. I want your +good Gentleman to promise me his vote and influence for Mr. JOE +QUELCH, as we're runnin' for a Labour Candidate this Election. + +_Lady N._ I really cannot answer for my husband's views on political +matters, Mr.--a--SQUELCHER; I make it a rule _never_ to interfere. + +_Mr. G._ Jest what _my_ old woman sez. I've learnt her not to argy +with _me_ on politics. But, yer see, a deal depends on the way a +thing is _done_, and--(_insinuatingly_)--a good-lookin' woman liks +yourself--(Lady N. _gasps out a faint little "Oh!" here_)--oh, I'm +on'y tellin' yer what yer know already--'ud find it easy enough to get +her better 'alf to vote _her_ way, if she chooses. You take him some +evenin'--say a Saturday, now--when he's jest 'ad enough to feel 'appy, +and coax him into giving his vote to QUELCH. _You_ know 'ow to do it! +And he's the _right_ man, mind yer, QUELCH is--the right _man_! + +_Lady N._ (_almost inaudibly_). How--how _dare_ you come into my +house, and offer me this impertinent advice! How--? + +_Mr. G._ (_good-temperedly_). Easy there, Lady--no impertinence +intended, I'm sure. I shouldn't come in 'ere, intrudin' on the sacred +privacy of the British 'Ome, which I'm quite aware an Englishman's +'Ouse is his Castle--and rightly so--if I didn't feel privileged like. +I'm _canvassing_, I am! + +_Lady N._ You are taking a most unpardonable liberty, and, if you have +the _slightest_ sense of decency-- + +_Mr. G._ (_imploringly_). Now look 'ere--don't let us 'ave a vulgar +_row_ over this! I ain't goin' to lose _my_ temper. Strike--but 'ear +me! If we don't think alike, there's no reason why you and me should +fall out. I put that to _you_. It's likely enough you don't _know_ JOE +QUELCH? + +_Lady N._ (_with temper_). I never heard of the man in my life! + +_Mr. G._ (_triumphantly_). See there, now. That's where canvassing +comes in, d'yer see? It's our honly way of combating the hignirance +and hapathy of the Upper Classes. Well, I'll tell yer somethink +_about_ 'im. QUELCH worked as a lighterman on a barge fourteen years +for eighteen bob a-week. Ain't _that_ a Man of the People for yer? And +if he gits into Parliment, he'll insist on Labour bein' served fust; +he's in favour of Shortened Hours of Labour, Taxation o' Ground +Rents, One Man one Vote, Triannual Parliments and Payment o' Members, +Compulsory Allotments, Providin' Work by Gov'ment for the Unemployed, +Abolition o' the 'Ouse o' Lords, and a Free Breakfast Table. Ah, and +he means _'aving_ it too. That's what JOE is. But look 'ere, why +not come and 'ear what he's got to say for yerself? He's 'oldin' a +small open-air meetin' in Kipper's Court this evenin', ar-past eight +percisely. You come and bring yer 'usban', and I'll guarantee you +git a good place close to the cheer. I'll interdooce yer to him +arterwards, and he'll answer any questions yer like to arsk him--fair +_and_ straight! + +_Lady N._ (_feebly_). Thank you very much; but--but we are +unfortunately dining out this evening, so I'm _afraid_-- + +_Mr. G._ (_more in sorrow than in anger_). There it _is_, yer see. Yer +afraid. Afraid o' 'earing the truth. Carn't trust yerself to listen to +both sides. But I don't despair of yer yet. See 'ere; is it 'Ome Rule +that separates us? 'Cos, if so, it needn't. QUELCH don't care no more +for 'Ome Rule than that 'ere penwiper do, between you and me! On'y, +yer see, he carn't _say_ so at present, d'yer ketch my meanin'? (Lady +N. _rings the bell in despair_.) Oh, thankee, Mum, if you _are_ +so kind, I'll take whatever yer goin' to 'ave yerself, _I_ ain't +partickler. + +[Illustration: NEW FACES IN THE HOUSE OF COMMONS. + +(_According to the Portraits that have appeared in the Illustrated +Papers._)] + +_Lady N._ (_as the Butler appears_). CLARKSON, show this--this +gentleman the way out. + +_Mr. G._ Don't you trouble, old pal, I can find it for myself. (_To_ +Lady N.) I b'lieve, if the truth was known, you're comin' round +already, Mum. I'll tell yer what I'll do. I'll leave some o' these +'ere little pamphlicks, as you might git your good man to run his eye +over. "_Why_ I am a Radikil," "The Infamy of Tory Gov'ment," "'Ow we +are Robbed!" &c. And 'ere's a picter-poster--"The 'Orrers of Coercion +under the Brutal BALFOUR!" Yer might put it up in yer front winder--it +don't _commit_ yer to nothing, yer know!--it'll amuse the kids, if +you've any family. + +_Clarkson_ (_in his ear_). Will you walk downstairs quietly, or shall +I have to pitch you? + +_Mr. G._ (_roused at last_). What, I'm to cop the push, am I? An' +what _for_, eh? What 'ave I done more than you swells ha' bin doin' +ever since the Elections started? (_To_ Lady N.) You come pokin' into +_our_ 'ouses, without waitin' to be invited, arskin' questions and +soft-sawderin', and leavin' tracks and coloured picters--and we put +up with it all. But as soon as one of _us_ tries it on, what do yer +do?--ring for the Chucker-out! Ah, and reason enough, too--yer know +yer'll get beaten on the argyments! (_Here he is gently but firmly +led out by_ CLARKSON, _and concludes his observations on the' stairs +outside._) Stuck-up, pudden'-'eaded fossils!... battenin' on the +People's brains!... your time'll come some day!... Wait till QUELCH +'ears o' this! &c., &c. + +_Lady N._ (_alone_). Thank goodness he's gone!--but _what_ an ordeal! +I really _must_ part with CLARKSON. And--whatever the Primrose +League Council may say--I shall have to tell them I _must_ give up +canvassing. I don't think I _can_ do it any more--after this! + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +"Read it!" said Everyone. "Read what?" asked the Baron. "_The +Wrecker_," answered Everyone. "I will," quoth the Baron, promptly. +And--it was done. It took some time to do, but of this more anon. +The Baron's time is fully occupied, never mind how, but fully, take +his word for it. A copy of _The Wrecker_ was at once provided by its +publishers, Messrs. CASSELL & Co., and the question for the Baron to +consider, was not "What will I do with it?" but How, when, and where, +will I read it? Clearly 'twas no ordinary book. Everybody was saying +so, and what Everybody is saying has considerable weight. A book not +to be trained through at express pace, so that the beauties of the +surrounding scenery would be lost, but something that when once +taken up cannot be put down again, like the brass knobs worked by an +electric-battery,--something giving you fits and starts, and shocks, +as do the electric brass-knobs aforesaid; something that, if you begin +it at 4 P.M., exhausts you by dinner-time, and after dinner, keeps you +awake till you read the last line at 2 A.M., and then tumble into bed +parched, fevered, exhausted, but in ecstasies of delight, feeling as +if you were the hero who had experienced all the dangers, and had come +out of them triumphantly. + +[Illustration] + +Such were the Baron's anticipations as to the joys in store for him +on reading _The Wrecker_, by Messrs. ROBERT LOUIS STEVENSON and LLOYD +OSBOURNE. The Baron hit on a plan, he must isolate himself as if he +were a telephone-wire. "Good," quoth he, "Isolation is the sincerest +flattery,--towards authors." The friend in need, not in the sense of +being out at elbows, appeared at the right moment, as did the Slave +of the Lamp to _Aladdin_. "Come to my house in the mountains," said +this Genius, heartily; "come to the wold where the foxes dwell, not +a hundred miles from a cab-stand, yet far far away,--amid lovely +scenery, in beautiful air, to quiet reposeful rooms, with the silence +of the cloister and the jollity of the Hall where beards wag all, in +the evening, when the daily task is done." "Friend REGINALD SYDE, I +thank thee," responded gratefully the Baron. "I am there!" And in less +time than it takes to go the whole distance in a four-horsed coach +with a horn blowing and the horses blown, the Baron, travelling by +special express, was there,--all there! The Authorities on the line +made no extra charge for taking _The Wrecker_ as luggage. + +The weather was favourable for reading; an interminable downpour, when +one is grateful for any book, even a _Dictionary of Dates_, or the +remains of a _Boyle's Court Guide_. The Brave Baron shut himself into +his room, laid in stores of tobacco and grog, decided, in the course +of half an hour, on a comfortable position, and then laid himself out +for the perusal, not to say the study, of _The Wrecker_. Introductory +Chapter excellent,--appetising. "_Oliver_ asks for more," murmurs +the Baron to himself, settling down to "the Yarn." Chapter I. Now a +strange thing happened. The Story broke off! suddenly--inexplicably. +Descriptions, yes, by the handful, by the cartload--all excellent, no +doubt--and much to be appreciated by a reader with nothing on earth +to do the whole year round; but, about page 53, the Baron began to be +uneasy, shifted his pillows, refilled pipe, took "modest quencher," +and then turned to grapple with _The Wrecker_. No good. Where the +deuce had the Story got to? When would the excitement come in? Where +was the sensation? Toiling on, went the Baron, stopping frequently +to wish he had a dictionary wherein he might ascertain the meaning of +strange, uncouth words and phrases, and to anathematise the Authors +separately or together. Had OSBOURNE interfered with STEVENSON, or was +STEVENSON allowing OSBOURNE to have his say, reserving himself for a +grand _coup_ at half-price? Would OSBOURNE chuck STEVENSON overboard, +or was it to be t'other way off? At page 90 the Baron decided he +would take a walk round, even if it were pouring cats and dogs, and +exclaiming, "Air, air, give me air!" he rushed forth. It was fine. +A brisk walk and a talk--just like King CHARLES "who walked and +talked"--with his genial host REGI SYDE, restored the Baron's +circulation, and made him wonder to himself at the reported great +circulation of the book. Back to his room again--into easy chair--p. +100--_Happy Thought_. This book is about ships and sea, The Baron will +be a Skipper!--and so he skips, skips, with great relief, until "A +sail in sight appears,"--spell it "sale," and there's a picture of +it--"He hails it with three cheers!" + +Now the Story, at p. 134, begins in good earnest, and, except for the +idle dilletante reader, all the foregoing, from the first Chapter, +might go by the board--that is, as far as the Baron can make out. He +speaks only for himself. The Chapter describing the sale by auction is +first-rate; no doubt about it. The Baron's spirits, just now down to +zero, rose to over 100 deg.. On we go: Throw over OSBOURNE, and come along +with Louis STEVENSON of _Treasure Island_. Bah! that exciting Chapter +was but a flash in the pan: brilliant but brief: and "Here we are!" +growls the Baron, "struggling along among a lot of puzzling lumber +in search of excitement number two, which does not seem to come until +Chapter XXIV., p. 383." Then there is a good blow out--of brains, a +scrimmaging, a banging, and a firing, and a scuffling, and a fainting, +and one marvellous effect. And then--is heard no more. The Baron harks +back, harks for'ard. No: puzzlement is his portion. Who was who, when +everybody turned out to be somebody else? Where was the Money? or more +important, Where is the Interest? "Well, that I cannot tell," quoth +he, "but 'twas a famous queer Sto-_ree_!" Perhaps the Baron, reading +against time, did not do it justice; or, perhaps he did. Anyway, +meeting a Lady-Stevensonian admirer, the Baron ventured to communicate +to her his great disappointment; whereupon she timidly whispered, +"Well, Baron, to tell you the truth, I quite agree with you. I found +it awfully tedious--except the sensations; but everybody is praising +it; so please, O please, do not betray my secret!" "Madam, a lady's +secret, even the universally-known _Lady Audley's Secret_, is +inviolable when intrusted to + +Your devoted Servant, THE BARON DE B.-W." + + * * * * * + +SUMMERUMBRELLA. + +[Illustration] + + I long for sunshine, such as there must be + In Egypt, blazing on the native Fellah; + I see no sun or sky, I only see + My own Umbrella! + + "No sun, no moon," as HOOD wrote long ago, + "No sky," no star--called, by the Romans, _stella_-- + Like negative November here below, + My own Umbrella! + + Think not of "AMARYLLIS in the shade"! + Can I play tennis in the rain with BELLA, + Holding aloft, while through the flood I wade, + My own Umbrella? + + I'm sick of sitting in the Club to scoff; + I'll take a walk. Hang me! Some English "fellah" + Has left his rotten gamp, and carried off + My own Umbrella! + + * * * * * + +[fist] NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +103, July 30, 1892, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14919.txt or 14919.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/9/1/14919/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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