diff options
| -rw-r--r-- | .gitattributes | 3 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14919-8.txt | 1670 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14919-8.zip | bin | 0 -> 33146 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14919-h.zip | bin | 0 -> 1454603 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14919-h/14919-h.htm | 2372 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14919-h/images/37-1.png | bin | 0 -> 74282 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14919-h/images/37-2.png | bin | 0 -> 8657 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14919-h/images/38.png | bin | 0 -> 206494 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14919-h/images/39-1.png | bin | 0 -> 105624 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14919-h/images/39-2.png | bin | 0 -> 6411 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14919-h/images/40-1.png | bin | 0 -> 97894 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14919-h/images/40-2.png | bin | 0 -> 8285 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14919-h/images/41.png | bin | 0 -> 75387 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14919-h/images/42.png | bin | 0 -> 160183 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14919-h/images/43.png | bin | 0 -> 227261 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14919-h/images/45.png | bin | 0 -> 36318 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14919-h/images/46.png | bin | 0 -> 96387 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14919-h/images/47.png | bin | 0 -> 280102 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14919-h/images/48-1.png | bin | 0 -> 22883 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14919-h/images/48-2.png | bin | 0 -> 9647 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14919.txt | 1670 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14919.zip | bin | 0 -> 33105 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | LICENSE.txt | 11 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | README.md | 2 |
24 files changed, 5728 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/14919-8.txt b/14919-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ec054f2 --- /dev/null +++ b/14919-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1670 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 103, +July 30, 1892, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 103, July 30, 1892 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14919] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 103. + + + +July 30, 1892. + + + + +IAGO IN BIRMINGHAM. + +(_SHAKSPEARE ONCE MORE ON THE SITUATION._) + +[Illustration] + + _Iago_ MR. J-S-PH CH-MB-RL-N. + _Roderigo_ MR. J-SSE C-LL-NS. + +_Roderigo._ Thou told'st me thou did'st hold him in thy hate. + +_Iago._ Despise me, if I did not. The great ones of the City, + In personal suit to make me his Lieutenant, + Off-capped to him:--and, by the faith of man, + I know my price--I am worth no worse a place; + But he, as loving his own pride and purposes, + Evades them with a bombast circumstance, + Horribly stuffed with epithets of war; + And, in conclusion, + Nonsuits my meditators; for, "Certes," says he, + "I have already chose my officer." And who was he? + Forsooth, a great Arithmetician. + * * * * * + That never set a squadron in the field, + Nor the division of a battle knows + More than a spinster; unless the bookish theorick, + Wherein the toged Consul can propose + As masterly as he; mere prattle, without practice, + Is all his soldiership. + _But, Sir, he had the Election!_ + + * * * * * + +A RESULT OF BEING HOSPITABLE. + + SCENE--_Small, but Fashionable Club in West-End._ + +_Algy._ Waiter! bring me a brandy-and-soda. Don't feel up to the +average to-day. + +_Hughie._ Late last night? + +_Algy._ Yes. Went to Mrs. CRAMMERLY's Dance, Prince's Gate. Goodness +knows _why_ I went! I don't think they'll get me there again in a +hurry. + +_Charlie_ (_waking up from arm-chair_). Were _you_ a victim too? I +didn't see you there! + +_Algy._ No. Because I probably left before you arrived. I had had +enough of it in an hour, and came on here to supper; not before I +had nearly poisoned myself with a concoction that old CRAMMERLY was +asserting loudly, was an "'80 wine." + +_Charlie_ (_laughing_). Ah! my dear friend, _I_ had been there before, +and knew the ropes. Took pretty good care to steer clear of the wine, +and got a chap to give me a whiskey-and-soda. + +_Uninvited Member._ May I ask where was this charming Party? + +_Algy._ At the CRAMMERLY's, Prince's Gate. Colonel CRAMMERLY. + +_Uninvited M._ Colonel CRAMMERLY! Let's see, was he an old Crimea man? + +_Algy._ _No_!--He _was_ Colonel in the Bounders Green Volunteers. +(_Roars of laughter._) You know "CRAMMERLY's Starch"--made a fortune +out of it. + +_Charlie._ He must have spent a bit of it last night. They say the +flowers alone cost over a thousand pounds. + +[Illustration] + + _Enter_ Captain O. + +_Captain O._ Talking about the Colonel CRAMMERLY Party, eh? (_To_ +Uninvited M.) Were you there? + +_Uninvited M._ (_very satirically_). Oh, dear no! I fear I'm not +smart enough to warrant my admittance into that _charmed_ and _select_ +circle. [_Roars of laughter._ + +_Capt. O._ By Jove, you were well out of it. (_Addressing the Club +generally._) Did--you ever see such--eh? + +_Charlie._ I want to know where the deuce they get their men from. + +_Algy._ I fancy they discover them in the City. + +_Jack._ _I_ never met--such shocking people before. + +_Capt. O._ Too dreadful for words. I could only conclude they must +have been relations. [_Roars of laughter._ + +_Jack._ By the way, did you notice that there was a "bounder" who was +reversing? + +_Uninvited M._ (_with great indignation_). No!!! + +_Jack._ I tell you it's a positive fact--I know it to my cost; for I +was dancing with that youngest daughter, you know--the one who has the +fluffy fringe over her forehead--and the brute bounced against us, +and sent us flying. Never even apologised. If I could have got him +outside, I declare I would have given him a deuced good hiding. A man +like that ought to be kicked. + +_Uninvited M._ Were the women any better? + +_Algy._ Well, if you call Mrs. DASH any better! + +_Uninvited M._ (_with tragic intensity_). You _don't_ mean to say +_she_ was there! + +_Algy._ I _do_. + +_Uninvited M._ But do you mean to say that Mrs. CRAMMERLY has heard-- + +_Jack._ No. She's deaf. [_Laughter._ + +_Uninvited M._ Well, you _do_ surprise me! (_After a long pause._) Any +other shining lights of London Society? + +_Jack._ No--except that fearful Mrs. JUSSOPH and her daughters, who +honoured me with an invitation to their afternoon party at their +suburban residence at _West Kensington_. I don't know whether you +regard them as an illumination. [_Roars of laughter._ + +_Uninvited M._ (_triumphantly._) Good gracious! Then there was +positively no one there that one knows. + +_Algy_ (_thinking he has said something original_). No one, that one +_wants_ to know. + +_Uninvited M._ I suppose the whole thing was done for an +advertisement--? + +_Algy._ Possibly. Anyhow, once bitten, twice shy. They won't get _me_ +inside their stuccoed palace again. + +_Chorus of Those who were at the Party._ Same here! [_Pause._ + +_Capt. O._ (_lighting cigar by candle_). By the way, JACK, did old +CRAM. ask you to Scotland for the 12th? + +_Jack._ Yes. + +_Capt. O._ So he did me. Shall you go? + +_Jack._ It depends--I think so--if I don't get anything better. I'm +told it's a wonderful shoot. They pulled down over a thousand birds +the first day, last year. + +_Capt. O._ Does old CRAMMERLY shoot? + +_Jack._ Oh dear no! He's as blind as a bat. He only rents it for his +friends. + +_Capt. O._ (_greatly relieved_). That's good news, for he's a terrible +bore. He'd be a shocking nuisance on the Moors. I must say, I can't +stand _him_ at any price. + +_Jack._ No, nor any of the family, for the matter of that. Well, ta, +ta! Perhaps we shall meet there. I'm off to the Empire, to join some +friends who've got a box. + + [_Exit to enjoy further hospitality._ + + * * * * * + +"PERFIDIOUS ALBION" AGAIN.--Lieutenant MIZON, with his grievances +against the British Niger Company, was _fêted_ last week in Paris. +To inform Frenchmen that the British Company in question is not so +_niger_ as it has been painted would be useless at the present moment, +when Frenchmen are still loud in their applause of the speech made by +the Prefect of the Seine in such a _Mizon-scène_. [N.B.--_Jeu de mot_ +forwarded by our own "Prefect of the In-Seine."] + + * * * * * + +FROM NEWCASTLE.--Mr. HAMOND, M.P. for Newcastle, charged Mr. JOHN +MORLEY with having made a certain statement. Mr. MORLEY denied it, and +asked Mr. HAMOND to substantiate the charge. Mr. HAMOND could not do +this, nor did he apologise. Is this the "_'Amond honorable_"? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SIR CARLOS EUAN-SMITHEZ; OR, THE INSULTING SULTAN AND +THE HIGH-TONED CHRISTIAN KNIGHT. + +_A MODERN MOORISH BALLAD, AFTER THE FASHION OF BON GAULTIER._] + + Brave Sir CARLOS EUAN-SMITHEZ! basely have they borne thee down; + Thousands, thirty, would they tip thee as a churl they'd tip a + crown? + Thou at home hadst shown that Sultan with emphatic toe the door; + In Morocco thou didst coolly turn thy back upon the Moor. + + Long in fiery Fez he lingered, subtle SMITHEZ, being bound + To contract Commercial Treaty with the minions of MAHOUND. + Full eight weeks' negociations smoothed that Treaty's parlous way; + On the fifth July the Sultan swore it should be signed next day. + + But the false Frank's furtive whisper at the Sultan's ear was heard. + (When the Frank may foil the Saxon won't he do so? Like a bird!) + And the treacherous Moorish Monarch, to his people's interest blind, + Sold the sham he dubbed his honour, changed the thing he deemed + his mind. + + "Christian Knight," began the Monarch ("knight" was diplomat for + "dog"), + "There is something in your Treaty, that I relish--like roast hog. + Know Morocco is no home for Factories and Colossal Stores; + And the omnipresent Bagman is a bugbear to my Moors! + + "All my Cadis, all my ladies, wish at--Hades Western Trade. + You must make large alterations in the Treaty we've half made; + Shape it not in Christian interests, Christian Knight, but in + MAHOUND's, + And--incline thine ear!--I'll give thee, Christian, Thirty + Thousand Pounds!!!" + + Enter black slave bearing Treasure! Rangèd bags of glittering gold! + Then upspake brave EUAN-SMITHEZ. "Hold, base Sultan; minion, hold! + Dost thou think to bribe and buy a Christian Knight? A Paynim plan! + If _I_ take it, thou mayst sell me to a Moorish dog's-meat man!" + + Then his steed obeyed his master, and he whinnied loud and free, + Turned his back upon the tempter, caracoled with coltish glee; + Struck out with his heels behind him, smote that slave upon the + nose, + Kicked the bags until the bullion in a Danaë shower arose. + + Never DON FERNANDO's charger, _Bavieca_, gave such spring, + In the sawdust-sprinkled circus of AL-WIDDICOMB, the King! + Never did DON GOMERSALEZ fill the Moslem with more fear, + When he smote him o'er the mazzard with his streak-o'-lightning + spear! + + And the scattered gold flew widely, urged by that prodigious kick, + Smote the Frank behind the throne, although he dodged amazing quick; + Spattered that insulting Sultan, like a splash of London mud, + Blackening his dexter eye, and from his "boko" drawing blood. + + Then Sir CARLOS EUAN-SMITHEZ gave that Moorish Sultan beans, + Holding it foul scorn--as did the pluckiest of Christian Queens-- + a Christian Knight should take an insult from a turban'd Moor, + Without landing him a hot 'un, without giving him what-for! + + Speed thee, speed thee, noble charger! Speed thee faster than the + wind! + Stout Sir CARLOS EUAN-SMITHEZ leaves that Moorish Fez behind; + Shakes its sand from off his shoes, and, having wiped the Sultan's + eye, + Turns his back, and takes his hook, without e'en wishing him + "Good-bye!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PARLIAMENTARY PRIVILEGE. + +_Wife of the Late Member for Tooting._ "ARCHIBALD, WHY WERE YOU SO +GRUMPY AT THE BIGGE BOOTHBYS' TO-NIGHT?" + +_L.M. for T._ "SUCH PEOPLE, SUCH A DINNER, FOR A MAN WHO HAS JUST LOST +HIS SEAT!" + +_Wife._ "I'M SURE PARLIAMENT DIDN'T DO ANYTHING FOR YOU!" + +_L.M. for T._ "AT LEAST IT SPARED ME THIS SORT OF THING HAPPENING SIX +TIMES A WEEK!"] + + * * * * * + +OPERATIC NOTES. + +_Last Nights of the Season._--_Monday._--"By General Desire," the +Second and Third Acts of DE LARA-Boom-de-ay's Opera, called _La Luce +dell' Asia_, followed by _Cavalleria Rusticana_. Was "by general +desire" applied to the entire programme, or only to its first part? +Well, we may take for granted that everyone wanted to hear and see +again--but especially to hear--the _Cavalleria_. So the "special +desire" must apply to _La Luce_ solely and only. If so, then from this +wording we gather that the general and uncontrollable desire to hear +the Second and Third Acts of DE LA-RA-Boom's Opera did not extend to +its Prologue, First Act, Fourth Act (if any), and Epilogue. But is +it complimentary to a Composer to express a general wish to hear only +certain portions of his work, implying thereby that the generally +un-expressed desire is rather against than for re-hearing the other +portions? All the same Sir COVENT GARDENIUS exercises a _sound_ +discretion in thus dealing with this particular Opera. + +_Tuesday._--BEMBERG's New Opera, _Elaine_. + + _Chorus._--Why was _Elaine_ + Given again? + O DRURIOLAN- + US, please explain! + +And he did so, by saying in the programme "[fist] In consequence of +its Great Success and by general desire." Ha! ha! look at the hand, +with index-finger outstretched! By this sign, Sir DRURIOLANUS would +have us to understand that "this Opera was not one which ever went +_without a hand_." Moreover, Sir ORACLE tells us of its "Great +Success;" note the capitals, and note also, the expression itself, +which was not found in the announcement of the repetition of the +Second and Third Acts of the Light Asian Opera on Monday. Isn't +this an artful way of pitting Admirable BEMBERG against our own +accomplished DE-LARA-Boom? "We" were not there either Monday or +Tuesday, which, as far as the inimitable _intermezzo_ of the "Rustic +Chivalry" goes, was distinctly "our" loss. But they were going to do +without us, and they did so; but whether ill or well, this deponent, +meaning "We," knoweth not; and so, we're like Brer Rabbit, who lay low +and said nothin'. Brer Wolf sezzee were kinder sorry he was unable to +go Satterday arternoon for to hear Brer Fox's new Opera, _Nydia, the +Blind Girl_. + +_Friday._--_Don Giovanni._--Madame DOTTI, in taking the _rôle_ +of _Donna Anna_, "took the cake." Not going "a bit dotty," but in +excellent form. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +BE-LITTLER-ING MR. GLADSTONE'S MAJORITY.--Not that the G.O.M. is +"coming of age in the olden times,"--as somebody's picture has +it,--but that he is coming in with a mixed Majority of atoms difficult +to be assimilated. This much exercises the wigorous brain of Mr. +R.D.M. LITTLER, Q.C. writing to the _Times_. Of course R.D.M. LITTLER, +Q.C.--which initials, being interpreted, may mean, "Railway Directors' +Man"--is the Conservativest of Conservatives--"but that's another +Tory," as one may say, adapting RUDYARD KIPLING's phrase,--and, +difficult as the G.O.M. may find it to get on with the aid of a Little +Majority, he couldn't get on any better with the aid of a Littler. + + * * * * * + +NOTE.--The Guide to Wild West Kensington should announce the objects +of interest in this Buffalo Bill Show, not as "classified," but +"Codyfied." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE EXPRESSED OTHERWISE. + +_Host._ "TAKE A LITTLE WHISKEY BEFORE YOU GO, JONES!" + +_Jones_ (_after helping himself_). "THANKS! MAY I POUR YOU OUT SOME?" + +_Host._ "PLEASE--NOT TOO MUCH--JUST ABOUT HALF WHAT YOU'VE GIVEN +YOURSELF!"] + + * * * * * + +THE TRAVELLER. + +(_MODERN VERSION BY A GRATEFUL COOK'S TOURIST._) + + [Mr. THOMAS COOK, originator of the great "Personally + Conducted" Tourist and Excursionist System, died on Monday the + 18th July, aged 84 years.] + + "Remote, unfriended, melancholy slow, + Or by the lazy Scheldt, or wandering Po?" + Nay, gentle GOLDSMITH, it is thus no more, + None now need fear "the rude Carinthian boor," + The bandit Greek, the Swiss of avid grin, + Or e'en the predatory Bedouin. + Where'er we roam, whatever realms to see, + Our thoughts, great Agent, must revert to thee. + From Parthenon or Pyramid, we look + In travelled ease, and bless the name of COOK! + Eternal blessings crown the wanderer's friend! + At Ludgate Hill may all the world attend. + Blest be that spot where the great world instructor + Assumed the _rôle_ of Personal Conductor! + Blest be those "parties," with safe-conduct crowned, + Who do in marshalled hosts the Regular Round; + Gregarious gaze at Pyramid or Dome, + The heights of Athens, or the walls of Rome, + Then like flock-folded sheep, are shepherded safe home. + + "Let observation, with extensive view, + Survey mankind from China to Peru." + By all means, yes, or even further fare, + And Afric's forest huge and poisonous Pigmies dare. + But, to avoid the lonely traveller's pain, + From Ludgate Circus drag the well-linked chain; + As Amurath to Amurath succeeds, + So COOK to COOK! THOMAS's grandiose deeds + What Tourist may forget? The great one's gone, + But his vast enterprise shall still march on. + What THOMAS started, is pursued by JOHN. + Peace to the dust of the Great Pioneer, + "Great COOK is dead, long live Great COOK!" we cheer. + + * * * * * + +DARK DOINGS.--Mrs. MARTHA RICKS, the emancipated black slave, who came +all the way from Liberia to pay Her Gracious MAJESTY a morning call, +may be now known as "The QUEEN's Black Woman," or as a companion +silhouette to "SALISBURY's Black Man." Of course she will go back +laden with valuable presents, quite a wealthy old lady, or "_Ricks +Pecuniarum_." + + * * * * * + +THE DUFFER IN POLITICS. + +My country neighbours at Mount Duffer are not literary. So very remote +from this condition are they, that they regard men of letters as +"awful men," in the Shakspearian sense of the word. Consequently, +since those papers began to appear, sometimes, in the pages of _Mr. +Punch_, I have risen in the general esteem. Even JOHN DUC MACNAB has +been heard to admit, that though the MAC DUFFER is "nae gude ava' with +the rod or the rifle, he's a fell ane with the pen in his hand. Nae +man kens what he means, he's that deep." In consequence of the spread +of this flattering belief, I have been approached by various local +Parties, to sound my fathomless depths as a possible Candidate. + +[Illustration] + +First came a deputation of Jacobites. They were all ladies, of +different ages, young and old; all wore ornaments in which the locks +of Queen MARY, CHARLES THE FIRST, Prince CHARLIE, and other Saints and +Martyrs, were conspicuously displayed. Would I stand as a Jacobite? +they asked, and generally in the interests of Romance and Royalism. I +said that I would be delighted; but inquired as to whether we had not +better wait for Female Suffrage. That seemed our best chance, I said. +They replied, that FLORA MACDONALD had no vote, and what was good +enough for her was good enough for them. I then hinted that it would +be well to know for which King, or Queen, I was to unfurl the banner +at Glenfinnon. I also suggested that the modern Crofters did not seem +likely to rally round us. The first question provoked a split, or +rather several splits in our Party. It appeared that some five or +six Pretenders of both sexes, and of intricate genealogies, had their +advocates. An unpleasant scene followed, and things were said which +could never be forgiven. The deputation, which had been expected +to stay to luncheon, retired in tears, exclaiming for a variety of +monarchs all "over the water." + +The local Gladstonians came next. I had never declared myself, they +said. Was I for Home Rule? I said we must first review Mr. GLADSTONE's +numerous writings about HOMER, and then come to Home Rule. "HOMER +stops the way!" Were Mr. GLADSTONES Homeric theories compatible with +a rational frame of mind? Here I felt very strong, and animated with +a keen desire to impart information. The deputation said all this +was ancient history. As to Home Rule itself, they said it really +did not matter. What they wanted was, free poaching, free private +whiskey-stills, free land, and a large head of game, to be kept up by +the proprietor, for the benefit of the glen, as in old times. I said +that these seemed to me to be Utopian demands. If you all fish, and +shoot, and drown the keepers in the linn, I urged, there will soon be +no game left for any of you. No Game-laws, I observed, and you will +obviously have no poaching. There will be nothing to poach, and no +fun in doing it. They said that they would pay keepers to hold the +Southern bodies off, out of the rates, and the rates would be paid by +the Laird--meaning me. I said I knew that several Lairds were standing +on this platform, but that, personally, if my land and rents were to +be taken away, I did not see how the rates were to be got out of my +empty sporran. This was a new idea to them, but I cheered them up +by saying I was in favour of Compulsory Access to Mountains, with +no Personal Option in the matter. This was what the people needed, I +said--they needed to be made to climb mountains, beginning with Box +Hill. On Bank Holidays, I remarked, they never go to the top. They +stay where the beer is. I would have a staff of Inspectors, to see +that they went. The general limbs and lungs would be greatly improved, +and the sale of whiskey, from private stills, would be increased. + +This unlucky remark divided my Party. The Free Kirk Minister wore a +blue ribbon, and was a Temperance-at-any-price politician. Two of "The +Men," however,--a kind of inspired Highland prophets--had a still of +their own, and they and the Minister nearly came to blows. The Party +then withdrew, giving three cheers for Mr. GLADSTONE, but not pledging +themselves to vote for me. + +The Eight Hours' people were at me next. I said I saw that the Bill +would provide employment for a number of people, but I added, that I +did not see who was to pay the wages, nor who was to buy the goods. +For, I remarked, you certainly cannot compete with foreign countries +at this rate, and at home the Classes will be competing with _you_, +being obliged to have recourse to manual labour. They said that was +just what they wanted, everybody to labour with his hands. I answered +that many of the Classes, a poor lot at best (_cheers_), would come +on the Parish. Who was to pay the rates when everybody was working, +and nobody was buying what was made? If there were no markets, where +were you to sell your produce? They said they would live on the land. +I answered that the land would not support the population: you would +need to import bread-stuffs, with what were you going to pay for them? +I added that my heart was with them, but that they could only attain +their ends by massacring or starving three-fourths of the population, +and who knew how he himself might fare, with a three-to-one chance +against his survival? Suppose it did not come to that, I urged, +suppose the Bill gave all the world employment; suppose that, somehow, +it also paid their wages, or supported them, in a very short time you +would need a Four Hours' Bill (_cheers_), a Two Hours' Bill, a One +Hour's Bill, of course with no fall in wages. The constitution of +things would not run to it. + +They said that I had clearly not fought out the economic aspect of +the question. I said that was how my hair was blanched, with trying to +fight it out, but that, somehow, it always baffled me. I added remarks +about squaring the circle, but they said it was a good deal easier to +square Mr. GLADSTONE. The friends of Total Prohibition of Vaccination +and of Beer were waiting, also a deputation, who wanted subscriptions +for a SHELLEY Memorial, Russian Jews, Maxim guns for Missionaries, +and other benevolent objects. I declined to see _them_, however, and +was left to solitude, and to the reflection that I am unfitted for +the sphere of active politics. In this belief the neighbours are now +pretty generally agreed, which, as I have no keen ambition to shine in +Parliament, is a very fortunate circumstance. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A VICTORY OF THE POLLS. + +MENTAL COLLAPSE OF AN ELECTION EDITOR AFTER COMPILING STATISTICS DAY +AND NIGHT FOR THE LAST THREE WEEKS!] + + * * * * * + +LADY GAY'S SELECTIONS. + +_Mount Street, Grosvenor Square._ + +DEAR MR. PUNCH, + +The Race for the Eclipse Stakes at Sandown was productive of +tremendous excitement, and everybody turned pale as the two gallant +horses came up the straight, locked together, but the key to +the situation--Parliamentary phrase, due to the prevalence of +Elections--was held by the champion _Orme_, who managed to get home, +"all out" by a neck!--at least, Lord ARTHUR said he was "_all out_," +though how he could be "_home_" at the same time I don't quite +understand--but he may have been alluding to the backers of _Orvieto_. +I was told that _St. Damien_ "made up a lot of ground at the finish;" +but I can't say I noticed it myself, as the course looked to me +exactly as it did before the race! Dear me! how pleased my friends +the Duke and Duchess of WESTMINSTER did look! and with good reason, +too--it was a wonderful task for _Orme_ to accomplish, with only six +weeks' training!--it must have been a _special_ train all the time; +in fact, the one he was brought to Sandown in, I suppose. + +Being unable to go to Leicester, I took advantage of a military +escort, offered me by--(no--let the gallant officer's name remain a +secret--he little thought he was escorting a Press-lady)--to pay a +visit to the New Wimbledon--and being nothing if not loyal, I chose +the day when the shooting for the "Queen's" commenced. My escort +informed me with an inane smile, that the Camp had experienced "Bisley +weather;" the feebleness of which joke so annoyed me, that I am half +inclined to put his name in the pillory of public print--(what a +glorious expression for our own Midlothian Mouther)--but I refrain, +for reasons connected with Lord ARTHUR. + +I must say that I think Bisley has a more business-like look than +Wimbledon ever had, though perhaps this is scarcely to the taste of +the average feminine visitor, who used to enjoy pic-nicing to the +accompaniment of whizzing bullets, and does not appreciate the latter +without the former. The shooting was very uncertain in the first +stage of the Queen's, as the wind was in a variable mood--(is the wind +_feminine_, I wonder?)--going sometimes at eighteen and sometimes +at thirty miles an hour, which was disconcerting and inconsiderate +behaviour (it _must_ be feminine!)--calculated to annoy any +right-minded Volunteer! Indeed, one notoriously good shot, Private +CHICKEN, although a good _plucked_ one--having made six misses in ten +shots--declined to be _roasted_ by his friends, and retired into his +_casserole_--which is French for tent, I believe--while several other +marksmen (why marksmen?) found themselves carefully placing their +bullets on other people's targets. + +However, I was much struck with the equanimity with which reverses +were accepted by the members of our gallant Amateur Army, and +intend composing an ode in their honour, to be sung in camp to +the accompaniment of bullets, bagpipes, and brass bands! (more +alliteration for the Midlothian Maltese Marriage Merchant), the +refrain of which will run thus:-- + + The Volunteer! The Volunteer!! + No matter how the wind may veer! + Will have no fear! and will not sweer! so do not jeer!!! the + Volunteer!!!" + +--appropriate _patriotic_ music to which will be written by Signor +CLEMENTI SCHIOTTI! + +There is no racing of any importance this week, there being only a +small Meeting under Pic Nic Rules, at a place called Goodwood--(I +write of it in this contemptuous way, as I am not going +myself)--somewhere on the coast of the Solent--to which I need not +allude at any length; I will, therefore, only mention one race +having been so successful lately, that I can afford to rest on my +oars--(rather an insecure position by the way, for anyone who can't +swim!) and remain as usual + +Yours devotedly, LADY GAY. + +CHESTERFIELD CUP SELECTION. + + To win such a race as the Chesterfield Cup, + Is a task wanting speed and endurance; + And the duty of all, ere the ghost giving up, + Is to quickly effect an _Insurance_." + +_P.S._--I don't see any _sense_ in this, but the _rhyme_ is good! + +L.G. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: UNPLEASANT DUTIES OF CLUB LIFE. + +MONSIEUR VICTOR ACHILLE PÉTROLY, THE NEW CHEF, IS SUDDENLY SUMMONED +BEFORE THE COMMITTEE TO RECEIVE A REPRIMAND. + +THE QUESTION IS, WHO'S TO ADMINISTER IT?] + + * * * * * + +WILLIAM THE WHEELMAN. + +_Enthusiastic Cyclist loquitur_:-- + + I have noticed with unfeigned and real pleasure, + The rapid growth of Cycling. (_How it jumps!_) + To those who have the energy and leisure + It affords--(_Confound this saddle! it so bumps!_) + What otherwise would be quite unattainable, + A healthy, and a pleasurable form + Of exercise. (_Yes, health is hereby gainable;_ + _But I am most uncomfortably warm!_) + + It gives them the advantages of travel, + (_By Jingo! I was nearly over then!_ + _A tumble and the "gravel-rash" would gravel_ + _The nimblest of extremely Grand Old Men_) + Which, previous to the Cycle's happy advent, + Were out of almost everybody's reach. + (_And to the "spirits" of the cycling-cad vent._ + _'Arry on Wheels the law must manners teach._) + + It's really very much more profitable + Than is the long luxurious rail way journey. + (_If in the saddle I feel not more stable,_ + _I'll be "unhorsed," like tilter in a tourney!_) + Monotonous the journey from the City, + Along a fixed unalterable route. + (_This is an old "bone-shaker." 'Tis a pity!_ + _For over the front wheel one's apt to shoot._) + + The traveller's whirled from station unto station, + (_I wish there were more stations on this road_,) + With hardly half a chance for observation. + (_If I know where I am, may I be blowed!_), + Without an opportunity to examine + The district. (_Wish that I could spot a pub!_ + _For I am overdone with thirst and famine,_ + _And see no chance of tipple or of grub!_) + + (_I must travel many miles o'er clay or cobble,_ + _I fear, before I'll have a real rest,_ + _The big wheel and the little shift and wobble,_ + _I think the low pneumatic Cycle's best._ + _Eh? "Dangerous to Cyclists!" That's a notice,_ + _I fancy, that suggests a spin down-hill._ + _How stiff I feel! How very parched my throat is!_ + _Hold up! By Jove, but that was near a spill!_) + + I emphasise the fact that I consider + That, physically--(_Pheugh! that little wheel_ + _Is dangerous as poor old WELLER's "widder_,") + Yes, morally, and socially, I feel + The benefits of Cycling are unbounded, + Almost--(_Almost I fear a nasty fall!_ + _I wish, with big and little wheel confounded,_ + _That I were on a Safety, after all!_) + + * * * * * + +WHISPER BY _AN ILL_ WIND.--If Alderman KNILL cannot conscientiously +attend the Established Church service, whereat it is not essential for +a Lord Mayor to be present, the Court of Aldermen ought to be proud +of him, and elect him "Willy-Knilly" to be Lord Mayor all the same. +Whatever may be the result, of Alderman KNILL nothing but good can be +said. "_Nil nisi bonum._" + + * * * * * + +BLACK GAME.--"Bother Morocco!" says a Sportsman. "What's the news from +the Moors?" + + * * * * * + +A PROSPECT OF THE TWELFTH. + +(_BY AN IMPRESSIONIST._) + +Certainly, I can foresee my adventures. I can tell of my march over +the heather, of my delight as the breezy air sweeps over the moors, +and helps to bronze my already sunburnt face! + +I can fancy the chatter of the keeper as he holds my second gun, and +pays me that attention which can only be wiped off by tips! I can hear +the sound of the first shot, and decipher the meaning of the initial +puff of smoke! + +I can see the shadows disappearing as lunchtime comes to hand. I can +recognise the cart with its goodly contents, and the girls who will +sit beside us as we discuss our modest pies (hot and savoury,) and +quaff our '84. And then I can hear the retreating footsteps as the +darlings trip away, leaving us to resume our chase after the birds. + +And then the shadows will grow longer, and the sun will set behind +the hills in a mass of purple, red, and gold; and it will be time for +us to turn our faces towards the shooting-box that will shelter us +through the long watches of the summer's night. + +And lastly I can see the final halt at the poulterer's, as we purchase +the grouse to fill our bags before the journeying home. + + * * * * * + +A GEOGRAPHICAL THEORY.--"Where _is_ Liberia?" inquired one cultured +person of another, _à propos_ of Mrs. RICKS's interview with the +QUEEN. "I'm sure _I_ don't know," was the answer, "but--judging by the +name--I should think it was _exactly opposite_ to Siberia." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WILLIAM THE WHEELMAN. + +"'I CAN ONLY EMPHASISE THE FACT THAT I CONSIDER THAT PHYSICALLY, +MORALLY, AND SOCIALLY, THE BENEFITS THAT CYCLING CONFERS ON THE MEN +OF THE PRESENT DAY ARE ALMOST UNBOUNDED.' (_Aside._) _WISH I WERE ON +A 'SAFETY'!!_"] + + * * * * * + +MINOR MISERIES. + +NO. I.--TO A LADY ON WHOSE TABLE-CLOTH HE HAD UPSET THE MUSTARD-POT. + + Dear Lady, in your dining-room + I sat, a melancholy slave. + Your smiles could hardly chase my gloom; + While others jested, I was grave. + And still you saw me sit and sit-- + "Enough of this," you said, "come, come, + Be cheerful." While I merely bit + A foolish, irresponsive thumb, + And found no comfort in the act, + And cursed myself, the clumsy Goth, + As void of fingers as of tact, + Who spilt the mustard on the cloth! + + That was the cause of all my woe-- + Good lack, I blame my thumbs in vain; + Still on the cloth's expanded snow + I seem to see that yellow stain. + And still you sit and speak me fair, + And still your Butler grimly smiles, + The while I paint in mustard there + A sketch-map of the British Isles. + I think it had repaid my guilt + Had you flashed fire like Ashtaroth, + And scorched the clumsy wretch who spilt + That flood of mustard on your cloth. + + Beef, pudding, cherry-tart, and cream, + What more could mortal man desire? + I munched them idly in a dream, + My head sang like a village choir. + I fumbled with the silver pot + From which that tawny torrent ran; + I heard you say it mattered not, + To cheer a miserable man. + So here I thank you; may I be + Extinct as is the Behemoth + Rather than spill by Fate's decree + Once more the mustard on your cloth. + + * * * * * + +THE NEXT AFRICAN MISSION. + +(_TELEGRAPHIC PRÉCIS OF THE NEGOCIATIONS._) + +_First Day._--Arrived safely at the Sultan's capital. Everything in +proper order. Draft Treaty in my trunk with my diplomatic uniform. +Escort in marching order. Ammunition in waggon. Quite ready to +commence negociations. Only waiting for the conjuring paraphernalia +of Herr VON KLEVERMANN to come up with us. Thought that that special +morning performance before the King and Queen of the Cannibal Islands +would delay matters. + +_Second Day._--Herr VON KLEVERMANN and his traps have arrived in +camp. Looked over the conjuring tricks. Sorry to find that one of the +best (the Inexhaustible Bottle) has been stolen by the Queen of the +Cannibal Islands. As time is an object, unable to send back to recover +it. Might have to fight for it, too, which would possibly lessen the +numbers of our escort. Experts declare that the Inexhaustible Bottle +could only be secured at the point of the bayonet. Have arranged for +a meeting with the Sultan to-morrow. + +_Third Day._--Sultan's toothache better. His Majesty having sent word +that he would be glad to see me, I, accompanied by the Interpreter, +the Commander of the Escort, and last, but certainly not least, +Herr VON KLEVERMANN, arrived at the Palace. Found that the Lord High +Chamberlain had been removed yesterday. The Lord High Executioner +was acting in his stead. In fact, this overworked official seemed +to be the solitary survivor of the Imperial Household. The Lord +High Executioner told us that His Majesty had been very irritable +yesterday. The Sultan, he said, was now in a good temper, and was +quite harmless. I found His Majesty most gracious. However, he +said that he was not quite prepared to sign a Commercial Treaty. He +offered, in lieu of signature, to give me twelve sacks of emeralds +(uncut), and the wives of six of his Field-Marshals. Explained that +no representative of England could entertain such a suggestion. The +Sultan, upon this, terminated the interview. + +_Fourth Day._--The Sultan having learned that Herr VON KLEVERMANN +was a member of my _suite_, expressed a wish for a second meeting. +I consequently attended at the Palace. Herr VON KLEVERMANN, having +produced a number of artificial-flowers, a birdcage, and a rabbit, +from an Opera-hat, His Majesty asked the price. I immediately replied, +a Treaty of Commerce. I am to sail again to-morrow. + +_Fifth Day._--Had another interview with His Majesty. The Sultan +wanted to know the terms of the proposed Treaty. I replied, free +access to the interior for British merchandise, and the abolition of +slavery. His Majesty replied, he did not mind the abolition of slavery +so much, on the understanding that the regulation did not apply to +him. Herr VON KLEVERMANN then produced his Magic hat, and brought out +from it a cup of coffee, half-a-dozen recently-washed handkerchiefs, +and a white mouse. The last item caused us to be hurriedly expelled +from the Palace. It appears that the Sultan greatly objects to mice. +The Interpreter should have informed me of this peculiarity. + +_Sixth Day._--Received a message from His Majesty to the effect that +he would be glad to see me and Herr VON KLEVERMANN again, on the +condition that nothing objectionable should be produced from the +Magic hat. Herr VON KLEVERMANN once more gave a _séance_. The eminent +entertainer extracted from the Gibus a portmanteau, a soup-tureen, and +a lady's watch. His Majesty greatly delighted. He signed the Treaty, +and possessed himself of the hat. + +_Seventh Day._--Knowing that it was as well to leave the country as +soon as possible, started early. Herr VON KLEVERMANN had expressed +his doubts whether His Majesty would be satisfied. It appears that +the Magic hat requires a good deal of preparation to be effective. The +Herr's forebodings of evil were speedily verified. The Mission had +not gone a mile before we were followed by the entire army. We made a +demonstration with the machine-gun, which had the effect of destroying +six or seven brigades of the enemy. The Sultan in person, declared +that he considered the Treaty null. Nothing to do but retire as best +we could. + +_Eighth Day._--Deeply regret failure of the Mission. However, find +that the King and Queen of the Cannibal Islands are anxious for +annexation to England. They seem impressed with the notion that +the British Government have power to cause a flow of spirits from +the Inexhaustible Bottle which, since the departure of Herr VON +KLEVERMANN, has ceased to yield alcoholic drinks. Of course, shall do +nothing in this new matter until I receive further instructions. + +_Ninth Day._--Embarked on my return home. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FANCY PORTRAIT. + +THE RIGHT MAN IN THE RIGHT PLACE--BENNETT, M.P. FOR LINCOLN.] + + * * * * * + +ADVICE TO THE G.O.M. + +(_FROM A MATHEMATICAL TORY._) + + Take forty-two, and carry eight + (Eight hours, I mean), then mind your eye; + Bring all your items up to date, + And do your best to multiply + Your sheep by next subtracting votes + From over-suffraged Tory goats. + By Registration Law perplexed, + Take "qualifying periods" next, + And at one swoop reduce with glee + Twelve months, or more, to only three. + Add labour to your motley crew, + Subtract (from life) a church or two. + Produce, with geometric skill, + The lines of many a promised bill. + But state--the Unionists to vex-- + That Home Rule always equals _x_. + Raise, in a rash, disastrous hour, + Campaigning Ireland to a power. + And thus, to prayers and protests deaf, + Bisect the Empire. _Q.E.F._ + + * * * * * + +PRETENCE VERSUS DEFENCE. + + SCENE--_Whitehall. Time--The Present. Enter Universal + Inspector-General, accompanied by Mr. Admiralty Official._ + +_Universal Inspector-General._ So you are going to have Naval +Manoeuvres after all, Mr. Admiralty Official? + +_Mr. Adm. Official._ Yes, General, we are. + +_Un. Ins.-Gen._ And are you going to do anything new this time? + +_Mr. Ad. Off._ Nothing more than the usual meaningless cruising. + +_Un. Ins.-Gen._ I read something about the landing of the wounded? + +_Mr. Ad. Off._ Ah--that _is_ new! We are going to "assume" a number +of wounded. To quote from the _Regulations_--"Before the ships leave +for the ports, officers in command of fleets and squadrons are to +communicate to each Commander-in-Chief, by telegraph, the aggregate +number of assumed wounded that may be expected to reach his port." + +_Un. Ins.-Gen._ Tell me what do we want with these pointless +Manoeuvres? Wouldn't it have answered everyone's purpose if there +had been a lecture in lieu of them at the Royal United Service +Institution? + +_Mr. Ad. Off._ I should not be surprised. + +_Un. Ins.-Gen._ Then why run into this unnecessary expense? + +_Mr. Ad. Off._ You really must ask my successor! + + [_Exeunt severally._ + + * * * * * + +THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CANVASS. + +(_A PURELY IMAGINARY SKETCH._) + +[Illustration: "_You_ know 'ow to do it!"] + + SCENE--_A Portico in Portman Square. Mr. BENJAMIN GULCHER + (an ardent Radical Artisan, canvassing the district on behalf + of a "pal" of his, who is putting up as a Labour Candidate), + discovered on the doorstep._ + +_Mr. Gulcher_ (_to himself--after knocking_). Some might think it was +on'y waste of time me callin' at a swell 'ouse o' this sort--but them +as lives in the 'ighest style is orfen the biggest demmycrats. Yer +_never_ know! Or p'raps this Sir NORMAN NASEBY ain't made his mind up +yet, and I can tork him over to _our_ way o' thinking. (_The doors +are suddenly flung open by two young men in a very plain and sombre +livery._) Two o' the _young_ 'uns, I s'pose. (_Aloud._) 'Ow _are_ yer? +Father in, d'yer know? + +_First Footman_ (_loftily_). I don't know anything about your father, +I'm sure. Better go down the airey-steps and inquire there. + +_Mr. G._ (_annoyed with himself._) It's my mistake. I didn't see yer +were on'y flunkeys at first. It's yer Guv'nor _I_ want--the ole man! + +_First Footman_ (_with cold dignity_). If you are illewding to Sir +NORMAN, he is not at home. + +_Mr. G._ (_indignantly_). 'Ow can yer tell me sech a falsehood, when +I can see him myself, a-dodgin' about down there in the passage! +(_Forces his way past the astonished men into the hall, and addresses +a stately Butler in plain clothes._) 'Ere, Sir NASEBY, I've come in to +'ave a little tork with you on the quiet like. + +_The Butler_ (_not displeased_). I don't happen to be Sir NORMAN +himself, my good man. Sir NORMAN is out. + +_Mr. G._ Out, is he? _that's_ a pity! I wanted to see him on important +business. But look 'ere--p'raps his Missus is in--_She'll_ do! (_To +himself._) I gen'ally git along with the wimmin-folk--_some_ 'ow! + +_The Butler._ I can't say if her Ladyship is at home. If you like to +send up your name, I'll inquire. + +_Mr. G._ You tell her Mr. BENJAMIN GULCHER is 'ere, if she'll step +down a minnit. She needn't _'urry_, yer know, if she's 'aving her +dinner or cleanin' herself. (_To himself, as the_ Butler _departs +noiselessly._) Civil-spoken party that--one o' the lodgers, seemin'ly. +Roomy sort o' crib this 'ere. Wonder what they pay a week for it! + +_Butler_ (_returning_). Her Ladyship will see you, if you will step +this way. + + [_Mr. G. is taken up a staircase, and ushered into + the presence of Lady NASEBY, who is seated at her + writing-table._ + +_Lady N._ (_still writing_). One moment, please. My husband is out +just now--but if you will kindly state the nature of your business +with him, I daresay I could--(_She looks up._) Good Heavens! What +could have possessed CLARKSON to show such a person as that in _here_! +(_To herself._) + +_Mr. G._ (_in his most ingratiating manner_). Well, Mum, in the +absence of his Lordship, I am sure you'll prove a 'ighly agreerble +substitoot! + +_Lady N._ (_freezingly_). May I ask you to tell me--in two words--what +it is you wish to see him about. + +_Mr. G._ _Certingly_ you may, Mum! It's like this 'ere. I want your +good Gentleman to promise me his vote and influence for Mr. JOE +QUELCH, as we're runnin' for a Labour Candidate this Election. + +_Lady N._ I really cannot answer for my husband's views on political +matters, Mr.--a--SQUELCHER; I make it a rule _never_ to interfere. + +_Mr. G._ Jest what _my_ old woman sez. I've learnt her not to argy +with _me_ on politics. But, yer see, a deal depends on the way a +thing is _done_, and--(_insinuatingly_)--a good-lookin' woman liks +yourself--(Lady N. _gasps out a faint little "Oh!" here_)--oh, I'm +on'y tellin' yer what yer know already--'ud find it easy enough to get +her better 'alf to vote _her_ way, if she chooses. You take him some +evenin'--say a Saturday, now--when he's jest 'ad enough to feel 'appy, +and coax him into giving his vote to QUELCH. _You_ know 'ow to do it! +And he's the _right_ man, mind yer, QUELCH is--the right _man_! + +_Lady N._ (_almost inaudibly_). How--how _dare_ you come into my +house, and offer me this impertinent advice! How--? + +_Mr. G._ (_good-temperedly_). Easy there, Lady--no impertinence +intended, I'm sure. I shouldn't come in 'ere, intrudin' on the sacred +privacy of the British 'Ome, which I'm quite aware an Englishman's +'Ouse is his Castle--and rightly so--if I didn't feel privileged like. +I'm _canvassing_, I am! + +_Lady N._ You are taking a most unpardonable liberty, and, if you have +the _slightest_ sense of decency-- + +_Mr. G._ (_imploringly_). Now look 'ere--don't let us 'ave a vulgar +_row_ over this! I ain't goin' to lose _my_ temper. Strike--but 'ear +me! If we don't think alike, there's no reason why you and me should +fall out. I put that to _you_. It's likely enough you don't _know_ JOE +QUELCH? + +_Lady N._ (_with temper_). I never heard of the man in my life! + +_Mr. G._ (_triumphantly_). See there, now. That's where canvassing +comes in, d'yer see? It's our honly way of combating the hignirance +and hapathy of the Upper Classes. Well, I'll tell yer somethink +_about_ 'im. QUELCH worked as a lighterman on a barge fourteen years +for eighteen bob a-week. Ain't _that_ a Man of the People for yer? And +if he gits into Parliment, he'll insist on Labour bein' served fust; +he's in favour of Shortened Hours of Labour, Taxation o' Ground +Rents, One Man one Vote, Triannual Parliments and Payment o' Members, +Compulsory Allotments, Providin' Work by Gov'ment for the Unemployed, +Abolition o' the 'Ouse o' Lords, and a Free Breakfast Table. Ah, and +he means _'aving_ it too. That's what JOE is. But look 'ere, why +not come and 'ear what he's got to say for yerself? He's 'oldin' a +small open-air meetin' in Kipper's Court this evenin', ar-past eight +percisely. You come and bring yer 'usban', and I'll guarantee you +git a good place close to the cheer. I'll interdooce yer to him +arterwards, and he'll answer any questions yer like to arsk him--fair +_and_ straight! + +_Lady N._ (_feebly_). Thank you very much; but--but we are +unfortunately dining out this evening, so I'm _afraid_-- + +_Mr. G._ (_more in sorrow than in anger_). There it _is_, yer see. Yer +afraid. Afraid o' 'earing the truth. Carn't trust yerself to listen to +both sides. But I don't despair of yer yet. See 'ere; is it 'Ome Rule +that separates us? 'Cos, if so, it needn't. QUELCH don't care no more +for 'Ome Rule than that 'ere penwiper do, between you and me! On'y, +yer see, he carn't _say_ so at present, d'yer ketch my meanin'? (Lady +N. _rings the bell in despair_.) Oh, thankee, Mum, if you _are_ +so kind, I'll take whatever yer goin' to 'ave yerself, _I_ ain't +partickler. + +[Illustration: NEW FACES IN THE HOUSE OF COMMONS. + +(_According to the Portraits that have appeared in the Illustrated +Papers._)] + +_Lady N._ (_as the Butler appears_). CLARKSON, show this--this +gentleman the way out. + +_Mr. G._ Don't you trouble, old pal, I can find it for myself. (_To_ +Lady N.) I b'lieve, if the truth was known, you're comin' round +already, Mum. I'll tell yer what I'll do. I'll leave some o' these +'ere little pamphlicks, as you might git your good man to run his eye +over. "_Why_ I am a Radikil," "The Infamy of Tory Gov'ment," "'Ow we +are Robbed!" &c. And 'ere's a picter-poster--"The 'Orrers of Coercion +under the Brutal BALFOUR!" Yer might put it up in yer front winder--it +don't _commit_ yer to nothing, yer know!--it'll amuse the kids, if +you've any family. + +_Clarkson_ (_in his ear_). Will you walk downstairs quietly, or shall +I have to pitch you? + +_Mr. G._ (_roused at last_). What, I'm to cop the push, am I? An' +what _for_, eh? What 'ave I done more than you swells ha' bin doin' +ever since the Elections started? (_To_ Lady N.) You come pokin' into +_our_ 'ouses, without waitin' to be invited, arskin' questions and +soft-sawderin', and leavin' tracks and coloured picters--and we put +up with it all. But as soon as one of _us_ tries it on, what do yer +do?--ring for the Chucker-out! Ah, and reason enough, too--yer know +yer'll get beaten on the argyments! (_Here he is gently but firmly +led out by_ CLARKSON, _and concludes his observations on the' stairs +outside._) Stuck-up, pudden'-'eaded fossils!... battenin' on the +People's brains!... your time'll come some day!... Wait till QUELCH +'ears o' this! &c., &c. + +_Lady N._ (_alone_). Thank goodness he's gone!--but _what_ an ordeal! +I really _must_ part with CLARKSON. And--whatever the Primrose +League Council may say--I shall have to tell them I _must_ give up +canvassing. I don't think I _can_ do it any more--after this! + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +"Read it!" said Everyone. "Read what?" asked the Baron. "_The +Wrecker_," answered Everyone. "I will," quoth the Baron, promptly. +And--it was done. It took some time to do, but of this more anon. +The Baron's time is fully occupied, never mind how, but fully, take +his word for it. A copy of _The Wrecker_ was at once provided by its +publishers, Messrs. CASSELL & Co., and the question for the Baron to +consider, was not "What will I do with it?" but How, when, and where, +will I read it? Clearly 'twas no ordinary book. Everybody was saying +so, and what Everybody is saying has considerable weight. A book not +to be trained through at express pace, so that the beauties of the +surrounding scenery would be lost, but something that when once +taken up cannot be put down again, like the brass knobs worked by an +electric-battery,--something giving you fits and starts, and shocks, +as do the electric brass-knobs aforesaid; something that, if you begin +it at 4 P.M., exhausts you by dinner-time, and after dinner, keeps you +awake till you read the last line at 2 A.M., and then tumble into bed +parched, fevered, exhausted, but in ecstasies of delight, feeling as +if you were the hero who had experienced all the dangers, and had come +out of them triumphantly. + +[Illustration] + +Such were the Baron's anticipations as to the joys in store for him +on reading _The Wrecker_, by Messrs. ROBERT LOUIS STEVENSON and LLOYD +OSBOURNE. The Baron hit on a plan, he must isolate himself as if he +were a telephone-wire. "Good," quoth he, "Isolation is the sincerest +flattery,--towards authors." The friend in need, not in the sense of +being out at elbows, appeared at the right moment, as did the Slave +of the Lamp to _Aladdin_. "Come to my house in the mountains," said +this Genius, heartily; "come to the wold where the foxes dwell, not +a hundred miles from a cab-stand, yet far far away,--amid lovely +scenery, in beautiful air, to quiet reposeful rooms, with the silence +of the cloister and the jollity of the Hall where beards wag all, in +the evening, when the daily task is done." "Friend REGINALD SYDE, I +thank thee," responded gratefully the Baron. "I am there!" And in less +time than it takes to go the whole distance in a four-horsed coach +with a horn blowing and the horses blown, the Baron, travelling by +special express, was there,--all there! The Authorities on the line +made no extra charge for taking _The Wrecker_ as luggage. + +The weather was favourable for reading; an interminable downpour, when +one is grateful for any book, even a _Dictionary of Dates_, or the +remains of a _Boyle's Court Guide_. The Brave Baron shut himself into +his room, laid in stores of tobacco and grog, decided, in the course +of half an hour, on a comfortable position, and then laid himself out +for the perusal, not to say the study, of _The Wrecker_. Introductory +Chapter excellent,--appetising. "_Oliver_ asks for more," murmurs +the Baron to himself, settling down to "the Yarn." Chapter I. Now a +strange thing happened. The Story broke off! suddenly--inexplicably. +Descriptions, yes, by the handful, by the cartload--all excellent, no +doubt--and much to be appreciated by a reader with nothing on earth +to do the whole year round; but, about page 53, the Baron began to be +uneasy, shifted his pillows, refilled pipe, took "modest quencher," +and then turned to grapple with _The Wrecker_. No good. Where the +deuce had the Story got to? When would the excitement come in? Where +was the sensation? Toiling on, went the Baron, stopping frequently +to wish he had a dictionary wherein he might ascertain the meaning of +strange, uncouth words and phrases, and to anathematise the Authors +separately or together. Had OSBOURNE interfered with STEVENSON, or was +STEVENSON allowing OSBOURNE to have his say, reserving himself for a +grand _coup_ at half-price? Would OSBOURNE chuck STEVENSON overboard, +or was it to be t'other way off? At page 90 the Baron decided he +would take a walk round, even if it were pouring cats and dogs, and +exclaiming, "Air, air, give me air!" he rushed forth. It was fine. +A brisk walk and a talk--just like King CHARLES "who walked and +talked"--with his genial host REGI SYDE, restored the Baron's +circulation, and made him wonder to himself at the reported great +circulation of the book. Back to his room again--into easy chair--p. +100--_Happy Thought_. This book is about ships and sea, The Baron will +be a Skipper!--and so he skips, skips, with great relief, until "A +sail in sight appears,"--spell it "sale," and there's a picture of +it--"He hails it with three cheers!" + +Now the Story, at p. 134, begins in good earnest, and, except for the +idle dilletante reader, all the foregoing, from the first Chapter, +might go by the board--that is, as far as the Baron can make out. He +speaks only for himself. The Chapter describing the sale by auction is +first-rate; no doubt about it. The Baron's spirits, just now down to +zero, rose to over 100°. On we go: Throw over OSBOURNE, and come along +with Louis STEVENSON of _Treasure Island_. Bah! that exciting Chapter +was but a flash in the pan: brilliant but brief: and "Here we are!" +growls the Baron, "struggling along among a lot of puzzling lumber +in search of excitement number two, which does not seem to come until +Chapter XXIV., p. 383." Then there is a good blow out--of brains, a +scrimmaging, a banging, and a firing, and a scuffling, and a fainting, +and one marvellous effect. And then--is heard no more. The Baron harks +back, harks for'ard. No: puzzlement is his portion. Who was who, when +everybody turned out to be somebody else? Where was the Money? or more +important, Where is the Interest? "Well, that I cannot tell," quoth +he, "but 'twas a famous queer Sto-_ree_!" Perhaps the Baron, reading +against time, did not do it justice; or, perhaps he did. Anyway, +meeting a Lady-Stevensonian admirer, the Baron ventured to communicate +to her his great disappointment; whereupon she timidly whispered, +"Well, Baron, to tell you the truth, I quite agree with you. I found +it awfully tedious--except the sensations; but everybody is praising +it; so please, O please, do not betray my secret!" "Madam, a lady's +secret, even the universally-known _Lady Audley's Secret_, is +inviolable when intrusted to + +Your devoted Servant, THE BARON DE B.-W." + + * * * * * + +SUMMERUMBRELLA. + +[Illustration] + + I long for sunshine, such as there must be + In Egypt, blazing on the native Fellah; + I see no sun or sky, I only see + My own Umbrella! + + "No sun, no moon," as HOOD wrote long ago, + "No sky," no star--called, by the Romans, _stella_-- + Like negative November here below, + My own Umbrella! + + Think not of "AMARYLLIS in the shade"! + Can I play tennis in the rain with BELLA, + Holding aloft, while through the flood I wade, + My own Umbrella? + + I'm sick of sitting in the Club to scoff; + I'll take a walk. Hang me! Some English "fellah" + Has left his rotten gamp, and carried off + My own Umbrella! + + * * * * * + +[fist] NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +103, July 30, 1892, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14919-8.txt or 14919-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/9/1/14919/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +https://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +https://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at https://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit https://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including including checks, online payments and credit card +donations. To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. diff --git a/14919-8.zip b/14919-8.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..649502f --- /dev/null +++ b/14919-8.zip diff --git a/14919-h.zip b/14919-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9f3aa8b --- /dev/null +++ b/14919-h.zip diff --git a/14919-h/14919-h.htm b/14919-h/14919-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..55204fe --- /dev/null +++ b/14919-h/14919-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2372 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" /> + + <title>Punch, July 30, 1892.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + .sc {font-variant: small-caps;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note, .footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt; text-indent: 0;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .drama {margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .drama p {margin: 1em 0em 0em 0em;; padding-left: 2em; text-indent: -2em;} + .drama p.i2 {margin: 0; margin-left: 1em;} + .drama p.i4 {margin: 0; margin-left: 2em;} + .drama p.i6 {margin: 0; margin-left: 3em;} + .drama p.i8 {margin: 0; margin-left: 4em;} + .drama p.i10 {margin: 0; margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + p.author {text-align: right;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> + +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 103, +July 30, 1892, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 103, July 30, 1892 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14919] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 103.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>July 30, 1892.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page37" + id="page37"></a>[pg 37]</span> + + <h2>IAGO IN BIRMINGHAM.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Shakspeare once more on the Situation.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/37-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/37-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Iago</i> MR. J-S-PH CH-MB-RL-N.</p> + + <p><i>Roderigo</i> MR. J-SSE C-LL-NS.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Roderigo.</i> Thou told'st me thou did'st hold him in + thy hate.</p> + + <p><i>Iago.</i> Despise me, if I did not. The great ones of + the City,</p> + + <p class="i4">In personal suit to make me his + Lieutenant,</p> + + <p class="i4">Off-capped to him:—and, by the faith of + man,</p> + + <p class="i4">I know my price—I am worth no worse a + place;</p> + + <p class="i4">But he, as loving his own pride and + purposes,</p> + + <p class="i4">Evades them with a bombast circumstance,</p> + + <p class="i4">Horribly stuffed with epithets of war;</p> + + <p class="i4">And, in conclusion,</p> + + <p class="i4">Nonsuits my meditators; for, "Certes," says + he,</p> + + <p class="i4">"I have already chose my officer." And who + was he?</p> + + <p class="i4">Forsooth, a great Arithmetician.</p> + <hr /> + + <p class="i4">That never set a squadron in the field,</p> + + <p class="i4">Nor the division of a battle knows</p> + + <p class="i4">More than a spinster; unless the bookish + theorick,</p> + + <p class="i4">Wherein the toged Consul can propose</p> + + <p class="i4">As masterly as he; mere prattle, without + practice,</p> + + <p class="i4">Is all his soldiership.</p> + + <p class="i8"><i>But, Sir, he had the Election!</i></p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>A RESULT OF BEING HOSPITABLE.</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>Small, but Fashionable Club in + West-End.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Algy.</i> Waiter! bring me a brandy-and-soda. Don't + feel up to the average to-day.</p> + + <p><i>Hughie.</i> Late last night?</p> + + <p><i>Algy.</i> Yes. Went to Mrs. CRAMMERLY's Dance, + Prince's Gate. Goodness knows <i>why</i> I went! I don't + think they'll get me there again in a hurry.</p> + + <p><i>Charlie</i> (<i>waking up from arm-chair</i>). Were + <i>you</i> a victim too? I didn't see you there!</p> + + <p><i>Algy.</i> No. Because I probably left before you + arrived. I had had enough of it in an hour, and came on + here to supper; not before I had nearly poisoned myself + with a concoction that old CRAMMERLY was asserting loudly, + was an "'80 wine."</p> + + <p><i>Charlie</i> (<i>laughing</i>). Ah! my dear friend, + <i>I</i> had been there before, and knew the ropes. Took + pretty good care to steer clear of the wine, and got a chap + to give me a whiskey-and-soda.</p> + + <p><i>Uninvited Member.</i> May I ask where was this + charming Party?</p> + + <p><i>Algy.</i> At the CRAMMERLY's, Prince's Gate. Colonel + CRAMMERLY.</p> + + <p><i>Uninvited M.</i> Colonel CRAMMERLY! Let's see, was he + an old Crimea man?</p> + + <p><i>Algy.</i> <i>No</i>!—He <i>was</i> Colonel in + the Bounders Green Volunteers. (<i>Roars of laughter.</i>) + You know "CRAMMERLY's Starch"—made a fortune out of + it.</p> + + <p><i>Charlie.</i> He must have spent a bit of it last + night. They say the flowers alone cost over a thousand + pounds.</p> + </div> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:13%;"> + <a href="images/37-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/37-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p><i>Enter</i> Captain O.</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Captain O.</i> Talking about the Colonel CRAMMERLY + Party, eh? (<i>To</i> Uninvited M.) Were you there?</p> + + <p><i>Uninvited M.</i> (<i>very satirically</i>). Oh, dear + no! I fear I'm not smart enough to warrant my admittance + into that <i>charmed</i> and <i>select</i> circle. + [<i>Roars of laughter.</i></p> + + <p><i>Capt. O.</i> By Jove, you were well out of it. + (<i>Addressing the Club generally.</i>) Did—you ever + see such—eh?</p> + + <p><i>Charlie.</i> I want to know where the deuce they get + their men from.</p> + + <p><i>Algy.</i> I fancy they discover them in the City.</p> + + <p><i>Jack.</i> <i>I</i> never met—such shocking + people before.</p> + + <p><i>Capt. O.</i> Too dreadful for words. I could only + conclude they must have been relations. [<i>Roars of + laughter.</i></p> + + <p><i>Jack.</i> By the way, did you notice that there was a + "bounder" who was reversing?</p> + + <p><i>Uninvited M.</i> (<i>with great indignation</i>). + No!!!</p> + + <p><i>Jack.</i> I tell you it's a positive fact—I + know it to my cost; for I was dancing with that youngest + daughter, you know—the one who has the fluffy fringe + over her forehead—and the brute bounced against us, + and sent us flying. Never even apologised. If I could have + got him outside, I declare I would have given him a deuced + good hiding. A man like that ought to be kicked.</p> + + <p><i>Uninvited M.</i> Were the women any better?</p> + + <p><i>Algy.</i> Well, if you call Mrs. DASH any better!</p> + + <p><i>Uninvited M.</i> (<i>with tragic intensity</i>). You + <i>don't</i> mean to say <i>she</i> was there!</p> + + <p><i>Algy.</i> I <i>do</i>.</p> + + <p><i>Uninvited M.</i> But do you mean to say that Mrs. + CRAMMERLY has heard—</p> + + <p><i>Jack.</i> No. She's deaf. [<i>Laughter.</i></p> + + <p><i>Uninvited M.</i> Well, you <i>do</i> surprise me! + (<i>After a long pause.</i>) Any other shining lights of + London Society?</p> + + <p><i>Jack.</i> No—except that fearful Mrs. JUSSOPH + and her daughters, who honoured me with an invitation to + their afternoon party at their suburban residence at + <i>West Kensington</i>. I don't know whether you regard + them as an illumination. [<i>Roars of laughter.</i></p> + + <p><i>Uninvited M.</i> (<i>triumphantly.</i>) Good + gracious! Then there was positively no one there that one + knows.</p> + + <p><i>Algy</i> (<i>thinking he has said something + original</i>). No one, that one <i>wants</i> to know.</p> + + <p><i>Uninvited M.</i> I suppose the whole thing was done + for an advertisement—?</p> + + <p><i>Algy.</i> Possibly. Anyhow, once bitten, twice shy. + They won't get <i>me</i> inside their stuccoed palace + again.</p> + + <p><i>Chorus of Those who were at the Party.</i> Same here! + [<i>Pause.</i></p> + + <p><i>Capt. O.</i> (<i>lighting cigar by candle</i>). By + the way, JACK, did old CRAM. ask you to Scotland for the + 12th?</p> + + <p><i>Jack.</i> Yes.</p> + + <p><i>Capt. O.</i> So he did me. Shall you go?</p> + + <p><i>Jack.</i> It depends—I think so—if I + don't get anything better. I'm told it's a wonderful shoot. + They pulled down over a thousand birds the first day, last + year.</p> + + <p><i>Capt. O.</i> Does old CRAMMERLY shoot?</p> + + <p><i>Jack.</i> Oh dear no! He's as blind as a bat. He only + rents it for his friends.</p> + + <p><i>Capt. O.</i> (<i>greatly relieved</i>). That's good + news, for he's a terrible bore. He'd be a shocking nuisance + on the Moors. I must say, I can't stand <i>him</i> at any + price.</p> + + <p><i>Jack.</i> No, nor any of the family, for the matter + of that. Well, ta, ta! Perhaps we shall meet there. I'm off + to the Empire, to join some friends who've got a box.</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Exit to enjoy further hospitality.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <p>"PERFIDIOUS ALBION" AGAIN.—Lieutenant MIZON, with his + grievances against the British Niger Company, was <i>fêted</i> + last week in Paris. To inform Frenchmen that the British + Company in question is not so <i>niger</i> as it has been + painted would be useless at the present moment, when Frenchmen + are still loud in their applause of the speech made by the + Prefect of the Seine in such a <i>Mizon-scène</i>. + [N.B.—<i>Jeu de mot</i> forwarded by our own "Prefect of + the In-Seine."]</p> + <hr /> + + <p>FROM NEWCASTLE.—Mr. HAMOND, M.P. for Newcastle, + charged Mr. JOHN MORLEY with having made a certain statement. + Mr. MORLEY denied it, and asked Mr. HAMOND to substantiate the + charge. Mr. HAMOND could not do this, nor did he apologise. Is + this the "<i>'Amond honorable</i>"?</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page38" + id="page38"></a>[pg 38]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/38.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/38.png" + alt="SIR CARLOS EUAN-SMITHEZ; OR, THE INSULTING SULTAN AND THE HIGH-TONED CHRISTIAN KNIGHT." /> + </a> + + <h3>SIR CARLOS EUAN-SMITHEZ; OR, THE INSULTING SULTAN AND + THE HIGH-TONED CHRISTIAN KNIGHT.</h3> + + <h4><i>A Modern Moorish Ballad, after the fashion of Bon + Gaultier.</i></h4> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Brave Sir CARLOS EUAN-SMITHEZ! basely have they + borne thee down;</p> + + <p>Thousands, thirty, would they tip thee as a churl + they'd tip a crown?</p> + + <p>Thou at home hadst shown that Sultan with emphatic + toe the door;</p> + + <p>In Morocco thou didst coolly turn thy back upon the + Moor.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Long in fiery Fez he lingered, subtle SMITHEZ, being + bound</p> + + <p>To contract Commercial Treaty with the minions of + MAHOUND.</p> + + <p>Full eight weeks' negociations smoothed that + Treaty's parlous way;</p> + + <p>On the fifth July the Sultan swore it should be + signed next day.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But the false Frank's furtive whisper at the + Sultan's ear was heard.</p> + + <p>(When the Frank may foil the Saxon won't he do so? + Like a bird!)</p> + + <p>And the treacherous Moorish Monarch, to his people's + interest blind,</p> + + <p>Sold the sham he dubbed his honour, changed the + thing he deemed his mind.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Christian Knight," began the Monarch ("knight" was + diplomat for "dog"),</p> + + <p>"There is something in your Treaty, that I + relish—like roast hog.</p> + + <p>Know Morocco is no home for Factories and Colossal + Stores;</p> + + <p>And the omnipresent Bagman is a bugbear to my + Moors!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"All my Cadis, all my ladies, wish at—Hades + Western Trade.</p> + + <p>You must make large alterations in the Treaty we've + half made;</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page39" + id="page39"></a>[pg 39]</span> + + <p>Shape it not in Christian interests, Christian + Knight, but in MAHOUND's,</p> + + <p>And—incline thine ear!—I'll give thee, + Christian, Thirty Thousand Pounds!!!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Enter black slave bearing Treasure! Rangèd bags of + glittering gold!</p> + + <p>Then upspake brave EUAN-SMITHEZ. "Hold, base Sultan; + minion, hold!</p> + + <p>Dost thou think to bribe and buy a Christian Knight? + A Paynim plan!</p> + + <p>If <i>I</i> take it, thou mayst sell me to a Moorish + dog's-meat man!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Then his steed obeyed his master, and he whinnied + loud and free,</p> + + <p>Turned his back upon the tempter, caracoled with + coltish glee;</p> + + <p>Struck out with his heels behind him, smote that + slave upon the nose,</p> + + <p>Kicked the bags until the bullion in a Danaë shower + arose.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Never DON FERNANDO's charger, <i>Bavieca</i>, gave + such spring,</p> + + <p>In the sawdust-sprinkled circus of AL-WIDDICOMB, the + King!</p> + + <p>Never did DON GOMERSALEZ fill the Moslem with more + fear,</p> + + <p>When he smote him o'er the mazzard with his + streak-o'-lightning spear!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And the scattered gold flew widely, urged by that + prodigious kick,</p> + + <p>Smote the Frank behind the throne, although he + dodged amazing quick;</p> + + <p>Spattered that insulting Sultan, like a splash of + London mud,</p> + + <p>Blackening his dexter eye, and from his "boko" + drawing blood.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Then Sir CARLOS EUAN-SMITHEZ gave that Moorish + Sultan beans,</p> + + <p>Holding it foul scorn—as did the pluckiest of + Christian Queens—</p> + + <p>a Christian Knight should take an insult from a + turban'd Moor,</p> + + <p>Without landing him a hot 'un, without giving him + what-for!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Speed thee, speed thee, noble charger! Speed thee + faster than the wind!</p> + + <p>Stout Sir CARLOS EUAN-SMITHEZ leaves that Moorish + Fez behind;</p> + + <p>Shakes its sand from off his shoes, and, having + wiped the Sultan's eye,</p> + + <p>Turns his back, and takes his hook, without e'en + wishing him "Good-bye!"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/39-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/39-1.png" + alt="PARLIAMENTARY PRIVILEGE." /></a> + + <h3>PARLIAMENTARY PRIVILEGE.</h3> + + <p><i>Wife of the Late Member for Tooting.</i> "ARCHIBALD, + WHY WERE YOU SO GRUMPY AT THE BIGGE BOOTHBYS' + TO-NIGHT?"</p> + + <p><i>L.M. for T.</i> "SUCH PEOPLE, SUCH A DINNER, FOR A + MAN WHO HAS JUST LOST HIS SEAT!"</p> + + <p><i>Wife.</i> "I'M SURE PARLIAMENT DIDN'T DO ANYTHING FOR + YOU!"</p> + + <p><i>L.M. for T.</i> "AT LEAST IT SPARED ME THIS SORT OF + THING HAPPENING SIX TIMES A WEEK!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OPERATIC NOTES.</h2> + + <p><i>Last Nights of the + Season.</i>—<i>Monday.</i>—"By General Desire," the + Second and Third Acts of DE LARA-Boom-de-ay's Opera, called + <i>La Luce dell' Asia</i>, followed by <i>Cavalleria + Rusticana</i>. Was "by general desire" applied to the entire + programme, or only to its first part? Well, we may take for + granted that everyone wanted to hear and see again—but + especially to hear—the <i>Cavalleria</i>. So the "special + desire" must apply to <i>La Luce</i> solely and only. If so, + then from this wording we gather that the general and + uncontrollable desire to hear the Second and Third Acts of DE + LA-RA-Boom's Opera did not extend to its Prologue, First Act, + Fourth Act (if any), and Epilogue. But is it complimentary to a + Composer to express a general wish to hear only certain + portions of his work, implying thereby that the generally + un-expressed desire is rather against than for re-hearing the + other portions? All the same Sir COVENT GARDENIUS exercises a + <i>sound</i> discretion in thus dealing with this particular + Opera.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday.</i>—BEMBERG's New Opera, + <i>Elaine</i>.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Chorus.</i>—Why was <i>Elaine</i></p> + + <p class="i6">Given again?</p> + + <p class="i6">O DRURIOLAN-</p> + + <p class="i6">US, please explain!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>And he did so, by saying in the programme "☞ In + consequence of its Great Success and by general desire." Ha! + ha! look at the hand, with index-finger outstretched! By this + sign, Sir DRURIOLANUS would have us to understand that "this + Opera was not one which ever went <i>without a hand</i>." + Moreover, Sir ORACLE tells us of its "Great Success;" note the + capitals, and note also, the expression itself, which was not + found in the announcement of the repetition of the Second and + Third Acts of the Light Asian Opera on Monday. Isn't this an + artful way of pitting Admirable BEMBERG against our own + accomplished DE-LARA-Boom? "We" were not there either Monday or + Tuesday, which, as far as the inimitable <i>intermezzo</i> of + the "Rustic Chivalry" goes, was distinctly "our" loss. But they + were going to do without us, and they did so; but whether ill + or well, this deponent, meaning "We," knoweth not; and so, + we're like Brer Rabbit, who lay low and said nothin'. Brer Wolf + sezzee were kinder sorry he was unable to go Satterday + arternoon for to hear Brer Fox's new Opera, <i>Nydia, the Blind + Girl</i>.</p> + + <p><i>Friday.</i>—<i>Don Giovanni.</i>—Madame + DOTTI, in taking the <i>rôle</i> of <i>Donna Anna</i>, "took + the cake." Not going "a bit dotty," but in excellent form.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/39-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/39-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>BE-LITTLER-ING MR. GLADSTONE'S MAJORITY.—Not that the + G.O.M. is "coming of age in the olden times,"—as + somebody's picture has it,—but that he is coming in with + a mixed Majority of atoms difficult to be assimilated. This + much exercises the wigorous brain of Mr. R.D.M. LITTLER, Q.C. + writing to the <i>Times</i>. Of course R.D.M. LITTLER, + Q.C.—which initials, being interpreted, may mean, + "Railway Directors' Man"—is the Conservativest of + Conservatives—"but that's another Tory," as one may say, + adapting RUDYARD KIPLING's phrase,—and, difficult as the + G.O.M. may find it to get on with the aid of a Little Majority, + he couldn't get on any better with the aid of a Littler.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTE.—The Guide to Wild West Kensington should + announce the objects of interest in this Buffalo Bill Show, not + as "classified," but "Codyfied."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page40" + id="page40"></a>[pg 40]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/40-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/40-1.png" + alt="THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE EXPRESSED OTHERWISE." /> + </a> + + <h3>THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE EXPRESSED OTHERWISE.</h3> + + <p><i>Host.</i> "TAKE A LITTLE WHISKEY BEFORE YOU GO, + JONES!"</p> + + <p><i>Jones</i> (<i>after helping himself</i>). "THANKS! + MAY I POUR YOU OUT SOME?"</p> + + <p><i>Host.</i> "PLEASE—NOT TOO MUCH—JUST ABOUT + HALF WHAT YOU'VE GIVEN YOURSELF!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE TRAVELLER.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Modern Version by a Grateful Cook's Tourist.</i>)</h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[Mr. THOMAS COOK, originator of the great "Personally + Conducted" Tourist and Excursionist System, died on Monday + the 18th July, aged 84 years.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Remote, unfriended, melancholy slow,</p> + + <p>Or by the lazy Scheldt, or wandering Po?"</p> + + <p>Nay, gentle GOLDSMITH, it is thus no more,</p> + + <p>None now need fear "the rude Carinthian boor,"</p> + + <p>The bandit Greek, the Swiss of avid grin,</p> + + <p>Or e'en the predatory Bedouin.</p> + + <p>Where'er we roam, whatever realms to see,</p> + + <p>Our thoughts, great Agent, must revert to thee.</p> + + <p>From Parthenon or Pyramid, we look</p> + + <p>In travelled ease, and bless the name of COOK!</p> + + <p>Eternal blessings crown the wanderer's friend!</p> + + <p>At Ludgate Hill may all the world attend.</p> + + <p>Blest be that spot where the great world + instructor</p> + + <p>Assumed the <i>rôle</i> of Personal Conductor!</p> + + <p>Blest be those "parties," with safe-conduct + crowned,</p> + + <p>Who do in marshalled hosts the Regular Round;</p> + + <p>Gregarious gaze at Pyramid or Dome,</p> + + <p>The heights of Athens, or the walls of Rome,</p> + + <p>Then like flock-folded sheep, are shepherded safe + home.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Let observation, with extensive view,</p> + + <p>Survey mankind from China to Peru."</p> + + <p>By all means, yes, or even further fare,</p> + + <p>And Afric's forest huge and poisonous Pigmies + dare.</p> + + <p>But, to avoid the lonely traveller's pain,</p> + + <p>From Ludgate Circus drag the well-linked chain;</p> + + <p>As Amurath to Amurath succeeds,</p> + + <p>So COOK to COOK! THOMAS's grandiose deeds</p> + + <p>What Tourist may forget? The great one's gone,</p> + + <p>But his vast enterprise shall still march on.</p> + + <p>What THOMAS started, is pursued by JOHN.</p> + + <p>Peace to the dust of the Great Pioneer,</p> + + <p>"Great COOK is dead, long live Great COOK!" we + cheer.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>DARK DOINGS.—Mrs. MARTHA RICKS, the emancipated black + slave, who came all the way from Liberia to pay Her Gracious + MAJESTY a morning call, may be now known as "The QUEEN's Black + Woman," or as a companion silhouette to "SALISBURY's Black + Man." Of course she will go back laden with valuable presents, + quite a wealthy old lady, or "<i>Ricks Pecuniarum</i>."</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE DUFFER IN POLITICS.</h2> + + <p>My country neighbours at Mount Duffer are not literary. So + very remote from this condition are they, that they regard men + of letters as "awful men," in the Shakspearian sense of the + word. Consequently, since those papers began to appear, + sometimes, in the pages of <i>Mr. Punch</i>, I have risen in + the general esteem. Even JOHN DUC MACNAB has been heard to + admit, that though the MAC DUFFER is "nae gude ava' with the + rod or the rifle, he's a fell ane with the pen in his hand. Nae + man kens what he means, he's that deep." In consequence of the + spread of this flattering belief, I have been approached by + various local Parties, to sound my fathomless depths as a + possible Candidate.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:16%;"> + <a href="images/40-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/40-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>First came a deputation of Jacobites. They were all ladies, + of different ages, young and old; all wore ornaments in which + the locks of Queen MARY, CHARLES THE FIRST, Prince CHARLIE, and + other Saints and Martyrs, were conspicuously displayed. Would I + stand as a Jacobite? they asked, and generally in the interests + of Romance and Royalism. I said that I would be delighted; but + inquired as to whether we had not better wait for Female + Suffrage. That seemed our best chance, I said. They replied, + that FLORA MACDONALD had no vote, and what was good enough for + her was good enough for them. I then hinted that it would be + well to know for which King, or Queen, I was to unfurl the + banner at Glenfinnon. I also suggested that the modern Crofters + did not seem likely to rally round us. The first question + provoked a split, or rather several splits in our Party. It + appeared that some five or six Pretenders of both sexes, and of + intricate genealogies, had their advocates. An unpleasant scene + followed, and things were said which could never be forgiven. + The deputation, which had been expected to stay to luncheon, + retired in tears, exclaiming for a variety of monarchs all + "over the water."</p> + + <p>The local Gladstonians came next. I had never declared + myself, they said. Was I for Home Rule? I said we must first + review Mr. GLADSTONE's numerous writings about HOMER, and then + come to Home Rule. "HOMER stops the way!" Were Mr. GLADSTONES + Homeric theories compatible with a rational frame of mind? Here + I felt very strong, and animated with a keen desire to impart + information. The deputation said all this was ancient history. + As to Home Rule itself, they said it really did not matter. + What they wanted was, free poaching, free private + whiskey-stills, free land, and a large head of game, to be kept + up by the proprietor, for the benefit of the glen, as in old + times. I said that these seemed to me to be Utopian demands. If + you all fish, and shoot, and drown the keepers in the linn, I + urged, there will soon be no game left for any of you. No + Game-laws, I observed, and you will obviously have no poaching. + There will be nothing to poach, and no fun in doing it. They + said that they would pay keepers to hold the Southern bodies + off, out of the rates, and the rates would be paid by the + Laird—meaning me. I said I knew that several Lairds were + standing on this platform, but that, personally, if my land and + rents were to be taken away, I did not see how the rates were + to be got out of my empty sporran. This was a new idea to them, + but I cheered them up by saying I was in favour of Compulsory + Access to Mountains, with no Personal Option in the matter. + This was what the people needed, I said—they needed to be + made to climb mountains, beginning with Box Hill. On Bank + Holidays, I remarked, they never go to the top. They stay where + the beer is. I would have a staff of Inspectors, to see that + they went. The general limbs and lungs would be greatly + improved, and the sale of whiskey, from private stills, would + be increased.</p> + + <p>This unlucky remark divided my Party. The Free Kirk Minister + wore a blue ribbon, and was a Temperance-at-any-price + politician. Two of "The Men," however,—a kind of inspired + Highland prophets—had a still of their own, and they and + the Minister nearly came <span class="pagenum"><a name="page41" + id="page41"></a>[pg 41]</span> to blows. The Party then + withdrew, giving three cheers for Mr. GLADSTONE, but not + pledging themselves to vote for me.</p> + + <p>The Eight Hours' people were at me next. I said I saw that + the Bill would provide employment for a number of people, but I + added, that I did not see who was to pay the wages, nor who was + to buy the goods. For, I remarked, you certainly cannot compete + with foreign countries at this rate, and at home the Classes + will be competing with <i>you</i>, being obliged to have + recourse to manual labour. They said that was just what they + wanted, everybody to labour with his hands. I answered that + many of the Classes, a poor lot at best (<i>cheers</i>), would + come on the Parish. Who was to pay the rates when everybody was + working, and nobody was buying what was made? If there were no + markets, where were you to sell your produce? They said they + would live on the land. I answered that the land would not + support the population: you would need to import bread-stuffs, + with what were you going to pay for them? I added that my heart + was with them, but that they could only attain their ends by + massacring or starving three-fourths of the population, and who + knew how he himself might fare, with a three-to-one chance + against his survival? Suppose it did not come to that, I urged, + suppose the Bill gave all the world employment; suppose that, + somehow, it also paid their wages, or supported them, in a very + short time you would need a Four Hours' Bill (<i>cheers</i>), a + Two Hours' Bill, a One Hour's Bill, of course with no fall in + wages. The constitution of things would not run to it.</p> + + <p>They said that I had clearly not fought out the economic + aspect of the question. I said that was how my hair was + blanched, with trying to fight it out, but that, somehow, it + always baffled me. I added remarks about squaring the circle, + but they said it was a good deal easier to square Mr. + GLADSTONE. The friends of Total Prohibition of Vaccination and + of Beer were waiting, also a deputation, who wanted + subscriptions for a SHELLEY Memorial, Russian Jews, Maxim guns + for Missionaries, and other benevolent objects. I declined to + see <i>them</i>, however, and was left to solitude, and to the + reflection that I am unfitted for the sphere of active + politics. In this belief the neighbours are now pretty + generally agreed, which, as I have no keen ambition to shine in + Parliament, is a very fortunate circumstance.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/41.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/41.png" + alt="A VICTORY OF THE POLLS." /></a> + + <h3>A VICTORY OF THE POLLS.</h3>MENTAL COLLAPSE OF AN + ELECTION EDITOR AFTER COMPILING STATISTICS DAY AND NIGHT + FOR THE LAST THREE WEEKS! + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>LADY GAY'S SELECTIONS.</h2> + + <p class="author"><i>Mount Street, Grosvenor Square.</i></p> + + <p>DEAR MR. PUNCH,</p> + + <p>The Race for the Eclipse Stakes at Sandown was productive of + tremendous excitement, and everybody turned pale as the two + gallant horses came up the straight, locked together, but the + key to the situation—Parliamentary phrase, due to the + prevalence of Elections—was held by the champion + <i>Orme</i>, who managed to get home, "all out" by a + neck!—at least, Lord ARTHUR said he was "<i>all out</i>," + though how he could be "<i>home</i>" at the same time I don't + quite understand—but he may have been alluding to the + backers of <i>Orvieto</i>. I was told that <i>St. Damien</i> + "made up a lot of ground at the finish;" but I can't say I + noticed it myself, as the course looked to me exactly as it did + before the race! Dear me! how pleased my friends the Duke and + Duchess of WESTMINSTER did look! and with good reason, + too—it was a wonderful task for <i>Orme</i> to + accomplish, with only six weeks' training!—it must have + been a <i>special</i> train all the time; in fact, the one he + was brought to Sandown in, I suppose.</p> + + <p>Being unable to go to Leicester, I took advantage of a + military escort, offered me by—(no—let the gallant + officer's name remain a secret—he little thought he was + escorting a Press-lady)—to pay a visit to the New + Wimbledon—and being nothing if not loyal, I chose the day + when the shooting for the "Queen's" commenced. My escort + informed me with an inane smile, that the Camp had experienced + "Bisley weather;" the feebleness of which joke so annoyed me, + that I am half inclined to put his name in the pillory of + public print—(what a glorious expression for our own + Midlothian Mouther)—but I refrain, for reasons connected + with Lord ARTHUR.</p> + + <p>I must say that I think Bisley has a more business-like look + than Wimbledon ever had, though perhaps this is scarcely to the + taste of the average feminine visitor, who used to enjoy + pic-nicing to the accompaniment of whizzing bullets, and does + not appreciate the latter without the former. The shooting was + very uncertain in the first stage of the Queen's, as the wind + was in a variable mood—(is the wind <i>feminine</i>, I + wonder?)—going sometimes at eighteen and sometimes at + thirty miles an hour, which was disconcerting and inconsiderate + behaviour (it <i>must</i> be feminine!)—calculated to + annoy any right-minded Volunteer! Indeed, one notoriously good + shot, Private CHICKEN, although a good <i>plucked</i> + one—having made six misses in ten shots—declined to + be <i>roasted</i> by his friends, and retired into his + <i>casserole</i>—which is French for tent, I + believe—while several other marksmen (why marksmen?) + found themselves carefully placing their bullets on other + people's targets.</p> + + <p>However, I was much struck with the equanimity with which + reverses were accepted by the members of our gallant Amateur + Army, and intend composing an ode in their honour, to be sung + in camp to the accompaniment of bullets, bagpipes, and brass + bands! (more alliteration for the Midlothian Maltese Marriage + Merchant), the refrain of which will run thus:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i10">The Volunteer! The Volunteer!!</p> + + <p class="i10">No matter how the wind may veer!</p> + + <p>Will have no fear! and will not sweer! so do not + jeer!!! the Volunteer!!!"</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>—appropriate <i>patriotic</i> music to which will be + written by Signor CLEMENTI SCHIOTTI!</p> + + <p>There is no racing of any importance this week, there being + only a small Meeting under P<small>ic</small> + N<small>ic</small> Rules, at a place called Goodwood—(I + write of it in this contemptuous way, as I am not going + myself)—somewhere on the coast of the Solent—to + which I need not allude at any length; I will, therefore, only + mention one race having been so successful lately, that I can + afford to rest on my oars—(rather an insecure position by + the way, for anyone who can't swim!) and remain as usual</p> + + <p class="author">Yours devotedly, LADY GAY.</p> + + <h3 class="sc">Chesterfield Cup Selection.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>To win such a race as the Chesterfield Cup,</p> + + <p class="i2">Is a task wanting speed and + endurance;</p> + + <p>And the duty of all, ere the ghost giving up,</p> + + <p class="i2">Is to quickly effect an + <i>Insurance</i>."</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p><i>P.S.</i>—I don't see any <i>sense</i> in this, but + the <i>rhyme</i> is good!</p> + + <p class="author">L.G.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page42" + id="page42"></a>[pg 42]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/42.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/42.png" + alt="UNPLEASANT DUTIES OF CLUB LIFE." /></a> + + <h3>UNPLEASANT DUTIES OF CLUB LIFE.</h3>MONSIEUR VICTOR + ACHILLE PÉTROLY, THE NEW CHEF, IS SUDDENLY SUMMONED BEFORE + THE COMMITTEE TO RECEIVE A REPRIMAND.<br /> + THE QUESTION IS, WHO'S TO ADMINISTER IT? + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>WILLIAM THE WHEELMAN.</h2> + + <center> + <i>Enthusiastic Cyclist loquitur</i>:— + </center> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I have noticed with unfeigned and real pleasure,</p> + + <p class="i2">The rapid growth of Cycling. (<i>How it + jumps!</i>)</p> + + <p>To those who have the energy and leisure</p> + + <p class="i2">It affords—(<i>Confound this + saddle! it so bumps!</i>)</p> + + <p>What otherwise would be quite unattainable,</p> + + <p class="i2">A healthy, and a pleasurable form</p> + + <p>Of exercise. (<i>Yes, health is hereby + gainable;</i></p> + + <p class="i2"><i>But I am most uncomfortably + warm!</i>)</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It gives them the advantages of travel,</p> + + <p class="i2">(<i>By Jingo! I was nearly over + then!</i></p> + + <p><i>A tumble and the "gravel-rash" would + gravel</i></p> + + <p class="i2"><i>The nimblest of extremely Grand Old + Men</i>)</p> + + <p>Which, previous to the Cycle's happy advent,</p> + + <p class="i2">Were out of almost everybody's reach.</p> + + <p>(<i>And to the "spirits" of the cycling-cad + vent.</i></p> + + <p class="i2"><i>'Arry on Wheels the law must manners + teach.</i>)</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It's really very much more profitable</p> + + <p class="i2">Than is the long luxurious rail way + journey.</p> + + <p>(<i>If in the saddle I feel not more stable,</i></p> + + <p class="i2"><i>I'll be "unhorsed," like tilter in a + tourney!</i>)</p> + + <p>Monotonous the journey from the City,</p> + + <p class="i2">Along a fixed unalterable route.</p> + + <p>(<i>This is an old "bone-shaker." 'Tis a + pity!</i></p> + + <p class="i2"><i>For over the front wheel one's apt to + shoot.</i>)</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The traveller's whirled from station unto + station,</p> + + <p class="i2">(<i>I wish there were more stations on + this road</i>,)</p> + + <p>With hardly half a chance for observation.</p> + + <p class="i2">(<i>If I know where I am, may I be + blowed!</i>),</p> + + <p>Without an opportunity to examine</p> + + <p class="i2">The district. (<i>Wish that I could spot + a pub!</i></p> + + <p><i>For I am overdone with thirst and famine,</i></p> + + <p class="i2"><i>And see no chance of tipple or of + grub!</i>)</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>(<i>I must travel many miles o'er clay or + cobble,</i></p> + + <p class="i2"><i>I fear, before I'll have a real + rest,</i></p> + + <p><i>The big wheel and the little shift and + wobble,</i></p> + + <p class="i2"><i>I think the low pneumatic Cycle's + best.</i></p> + + <p><i>Eh? "Dangerous to Cyclists!" That's a + notice,</i></p> + + <p class="i2"><i>I fancy, that suggests a spin + down-hill.</i></p> + + <p><i>How stiff I feel! How very parched my throat + is!</i></p> + + <p class="i2"><i>Hold up! By Jove, but that was near a + spill!</i>)</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I emphasise the fact that I consider</p> + + <p class="i2">That, physically—(<i>Pheugh! that + little wheel</i></p> + + <p><i>Is dangerous as poor old</i> WELLER's + "<i>widder</i>,")</p> + + <p class="i2">Yes, morally, and socially, I feel</p> + + <p>The benefits of Cycling are unbounded,</p> + + <p class="i2">Almost—(<i>Almost I fear a nasty + fall!</i></p> + + <p><i>I wish, with big and little wheel + confounded,</i></p> + + <p class="i2"><i>That I were on a Safety, after + all!</i>)</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>WHISPER BY <i>AN ILL</i> WIND.—If Alderman KNILL + cannot conscientiously attend the Established Church service, + whereat it is not essential for a Lord Mayor to be present, the + Court of Aldermen ought to be proud of him, and elect him + "Willy-Knilly" to be Lord Mayor all the same. Whatever may be + the result, of Alderman KNILL nothing but good can be said. + "<i>Nil nisi bonum.</i>"</p> + <hr /> + + <p>BLACK GAME.—"Bother Morocco!" says a Sportsman. + "What's the news from the Moors?"</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>A PROSPECT OF THE TWELFTH.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By an Impressionist.</i>)</h4> + + <p>Certainly, I can foresee my adventures. I can tell of my + march over the heather, of my delight as the breezy air sweeps + over the moors, and helps to bronze my already sunburnt + face!</p> + + <p>I can fancy the chatter of the keeper as he holds my second + gun, and pays me that attention which can only be wiped off by + tips! I can hear the sound of the first shot, and decipher the + meaning of the initial puff of smoke!</p> + + <p>I can see the shadows disappearing as lunchtime comes to + hand. I can recognise the cart with its goodly contents, and + the girls who will sit beside us as we discuss our modest pies + (hot and savoury,) and quaff our '84. And then I can hear the + retreating footsteps as the darlings trip away, leaving us to + resume our chase after the birds.</p> + + <p>And then the shadows will grow longer, and the sun will set + behind the hills in a mass of purple, red, and gold; and it + will be time for us to turn our faces towards the shooting-box + that will shelter us through the long watches of the summer's + night.</p> + + <p>And lastly I can see the final halt at the poulterer's, as + we purchase the grouse to fill our bags before the journeying + home.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A GEOGRAPHICAL THEORY.—"Where <i>is</i> Liberia?" + inquired one cultured person of another, <i>à propos</i> of + Mrs. RICKS's interview with the QUEEN. "I'm sure <i>I</i> don't + know," was the answer, "but—judging by the name—I + should think it was <i>exactly opposite</i> to Siberia."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page43" + id="page43"></a>[pg 43]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/43.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/43.png" + alt="WILLIAM THE WHEELMAN." /></a> + + <h3>WILLIAM THE WHEELMAN.</h3> + + <p>"'I CAN ONLY EMPHASISE THE FACT THAT I CONSIDER THAT + PHYSICALLY, MORALLY, AND SOCIALLY, THE BENEFITS THAT + CYCLING CONFERS ON THE MEN OF THE PRESENT DAY ARE ALMOST + UNBOUNDED.' (<i>Aside.</i>) <i>WISH I WERE ON A + 'SAFETY'!!</i>"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page45" + id="page45"></a>[pg 45]</span> + + <h2>MINOR MISERIES.</h2> + + <h3 class="sc">No. I.—To a Lady on whose Table-Cloth he + had upset the Mustard-Pot.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Dear Lady, in your dining-room</p> + + <p class="i2">I sat, a melancholy slave.</p> + + <p>Your smiles could hardly chase my gloom;</p> + + <p class="i2">While others jested, I was grave.</p> + + <p>And still you saw me sit and sit—</p> + + <p class="i2">"Enough of this," you said, "come, + come,</p> + + <p>Be cheerful." While I merely bit</p> + + <p class="i2">A foolish, irresponsive thumb,</p> + + <p>And found no comfort in the act,</p> + + <p class="i2">And cursed myself, the clumsy Goth,</p> + + <p>As void of fingers as of tact,</p> + + <p class="i2">Who spilt the mustard on the cloth!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>That was the cause of all my woe—</p> + + <p class="i2">Good lack, I blame my thumbs in vain;</p> + + <p>Still on the cloth's expanded snow</p> + + <p class="i2">I seem to see that yellow stain.</p> + + <p>And still you sit and speak me fair,</p> + + <p class="i2">And still your Butler grimly smiles,</p> + + <p>The while I paint in mustard there</p> + + <p class="i2">A sketch-map of the British Isles.</p> + + <p>I think it had repaid my guilt</p> + + <p class="i2">Had you flashed fire like Ashtaroth,</p> + + <p>And scorched the clumsy wretch who spilt</p> + + <p class="i2">That flood of mustard on your cloth.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Beef, pudding, cherry-tart, and cream,</p> + + <p class="i2">What more could mortal man desire?</p> + + <p>I munched them idly in a dream,</p> + + <p class="i2">My head sang like a village choir.</p> + + <p>I fumbled with the silver pot</p> + + <p class="i2">From which that tawny torrent ran;</p> + + <p>I heard you say it mattered not,</p> + + <p class="i2">To cheer a miserable man.</p> + + <p>So here I thank you; may I be</p> + + <p class="i2">Extinct as is the Behemoth</p> + + <p>Rather than spill by Fate's decree</p> + + <p class="i2">Once more the mustard on your cloth.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE NEXT AFRICAN MISSION.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Telegraphic Précis of the Negociations.</i>)</h4> + + <p><i>First Day.</i>—Arrived safely at the Sultan's + capital. Everything in proper order. Draft Treaty in my trunk + with my diplomatic uniform. Escort in marching order. + Ammunition in waggon. Quite ready to commence negociations. + Only waiting for the conjuring paraphernalia of Herr VON + KLEVERMANN to come up with us. Thought that that special + morning performance before the King and Queen of the Cannibal + Islands would delay matters.</p> + + <p><i>Second Day.</i>—Herr VON KLEVERMANN and his traps + have arrived in camp. Looked over the conjuring tricks. Sorry + to find that one of the best (the Inexhaustible Bottle) has + been stolen by the Queen of the Cannibal Islands. As time is an + object, unable to send back to recover it. Might have to fight + for it, too, which would possibly lessen the numbers of our + escort. Experts declare that the Inexhaustible Bottle could + only be secured at the point of the bayonet. Have arranged for + a meeting with the Sultan to-morrow.</p> + + <p><i>Third Day.</i>—Sultan's toothache better. His + Majesty having sent word that he would be glad to see me, I, + accompanied by the Interpreter, the Commander of the Escort, + and last, but certainly not least, Herr VON KLEVERMANN, arrived + at the Palace. Found that the Lord High Chamberlain had been + removed yesterday. The Lord High Executioner was acting in his + stead. In fact, this overworked official seemed to be the + solitary survivor of the Imperial Household. The Lord High + Executioner told us that His Majesty had been very irritable + yesterday. The Sultan, he said, was now in a good temper, and + was quite harmless. I found His Majesty most gracious. However, + he said that he was not quite prepared to sign a Commercial + Treaty. He offered, in lieu of signature, to give me twelve + sacks of emeralds (uncut), and the wives of six of his + Field-Marshals. Explained that no representative of England + could entertain such a suggestion. The Sultan, upon this, + terminated the interview.</p> + + <p><i>Fourth Day.</i>—The Sultan having learned that Herr + VON KLEVERMANN was a member of my <i>suite</i>, expressed a + wish for a second meeting. I consequently attended at the + Palace. Herr VON KLEVERMANN, having produced a number of + artificial-flowers, a birdcage, and a rabbit, from an + Opera-hat, His Majesty asked the price. I immediately replied, + a Treaty of Commerce. I am to sail again to-morrow.</p> + + <p><i>Fifth Day.</i>—Had another interview with His + Majesty. The Sultan wanted to know the terms of the proposed + Treaty. I replied, free access to the interior for British + merchandise, and the abolition of slavery. His Majesty replied, + he did not mind the abolition of slavery so much, on the + understanding that the regulation did not apply to him. Herr + VON KLEVERMANN then produced his Magic hat, and brought out + from it a cup of coffee, half-a-dozen recently-washed + handkerchiefs, and a white mouse. The last item caused us to be + hurriedly expelled from the Palace. It appears that the Sultan + greatly objects to mice. The Interpreter should have informed + me of this peculiarity.</p> + + <p><i>Sixth Day.</i>—Received a message from His Majesty + to the effect that he would be glad to see me and Herr VON + KLEVERMANN again, on the condition that nothing objectionable + should be produced from the Magic hat. Herr VON KLEVERMANN once + more gave a <i>séance</i>. The eminent entertainer extracted + from the Gibus a portmanteau, a soup-tureen, and a lady's + watch. His Majesty greatly delighted. He signed the Treaty, and + possessed himself of the hat.</p> + + <p><i>Seventh Day.</i>—Knowing that it was as well to + leave the country as soon as possible, started early. Herr VON + KLEVERMANN had expressed his doubts whether His Majesty would + be satisfied. It appears that the Magic hat requires a good + deal of preparation to be effective. The Herr's forebodings of + evil were speedily verified. The Mission had not gone a mile + before we were followed by the entire army. We made a + demonstration with the machine-gun, which had the effect of + destroying six or seven brigades of the enemy. The Sultan in + person, declared that he considered the Treaty null. Nothing to + do but retire as best we could.</p> + + <p><i>Eighth Day.</i>—Deeply regret failure of the + Mission. However, find that the King and Queen of the Cannibal + Islands are anxious for annexation to England. They seem + impressed with the notion that the British Government have + power to cause a flow of spirits from the Inexhaustible Bottle + which, since the departure of Herr VON KLEVERMANN, has ceased + to yield alcoholic drinks. Of course, shall do nothing in this + new matter until I receive further instructions.</p> + + <p><i>Ninth Day.</i>—Embarked on my return home.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/45.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/45.png" + alt="FANCY PORTRAIT." /></a> + + <h3>FANCY PORTRAIT.</h3>THE RIGHT MAN IN THE RIGHT + PLACE—BENNETT, M.P. FOR LINCOLN. + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>ADVICE TO THE G.O.M.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>From a Mathematical Tory.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Take forty-two, and carry eight</p> + + <p>(Eight hours, I mean), then mind your eye;</p> + + <p>Bring all your items up to date,</p> + + <p>And do your best to multiply</p> + + <p>Your sheep by next subtracting votes</p> + + <p>From over-suffraged Tory goats.</p> + + <p>By Registration Law perplexed,</p> + + <p>Take "qualifying periods" next,</p> + + <p>And at one swoop reduce with glee</p> + + <p>Twelve months, or more, to only three.</p> + + <p>Add labour to your motley crew,</p> + + <p>Subtract (from life) a church or two.</p> + + <p>Produce, with geometric skill,</p> + + <p>The lines of many a promised bill.</p> + + <p>But state—the Unionists to vex—</p> + + <p>That Home Rule always equals <i>x</i>.</p> + + <p>Raise, in a rash, disastrous hour,</p> + + <p>Campaigning Ireland to a power.</p> + + <p>And thus, to prayers and protests deaf,</p> + + <p>Bisect the Empire. <i>Q.E.F.</i></p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>PRETENCE VERSUS DEFENCE.</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>Whitehall</i>. <i>Time—The + Present.</i> <i>Enter</i> Universal Inspector-General, + <i>accompanied by</i> Mr. Admiralty Official.</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Universal Inspector-General.</i> So you are going to + have Naval Manoeuvres after all, Mr. Admiralty + Official?</p> + + <p><i>Mr. Adm. Official.</i> Yes, General, we are.</p> + + <p><i>Un. Ins.-Gen.</i> And are you going to do anything + new this time?</p> + + <p><i>Mr. Ad. Off.</i> Nothing more than the usual + meaningless cruising.</p> + + <p><i>Un. Ins.-Gen.</i> I read something about the landing + of the wounded?</p> + + <p><i>Mr. Ad. Off.</i> Ah—that <i>is</i> new! We are + going to "assume" a number of wounded. To quote from the + <i>Regulations</i>—"Before the ships leave for the + ports, officers in command of fleets and squadrons are to + communicate to each Commander-in-Chief, by telegraph, the + aggregate number of assumed wounded that may be expected to + reach his port."</p> + + <p><i>Un. Ins.-Gen.</i> Tell me what do we want with these + pointless Manoeuvres? Wouldn't it have answered everyone's + purpose if there had been a lecture in lieu of them at the + Royal United Service Institution?</p> + + <p><i>Mr. Ad. Off.</i> I should not be surprised.</p> + + <p><i>Un. Ins.-Gen.</i> Then why run into this unnecessary + expense?</p> + + <p><i>Mr. Ad. Off.</i> You really must ask my + successor!</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Exeunt severally.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page46" + id="page46"></a>[pg 46]</span> + + <h2>THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CANVASS.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>A Purely Imaginary Sketch.</i>)</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>A Portico in Portman Square.</i> Mr. + BENJAMIN GULCHER (<i>an ardent Radical Artisan, canvassing + the district on behalf of a "pal" of his, who is putting up + as a Labour Candidate), discovered on the doorstep.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Mr. Gulcher</i> (<i>to himself—after + knocking</i>). Some might think it was on'y waste of time + me callin' at a swell 'ouse o' this sort—but them as + lives in the 'ighest style is orfen the biggest demmycrats. + Yer <i>never</i> know! Or p'raps this Sir NORMAN NASEBY + ain't made his mind up yet, and I can tork him over to + <i>our</i> way o' thinking. (<i>The doors are suddenly + flung open by two young men in a very plain and sombre + livery.</i>) Two o' the <i>young</i> 'uns, I s'pose. + (<i>Aloud.</i>) 'Ow <i>are</i> yer? Father in, d'yer + know?</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/46.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/46.png" + alt="'<i>You</i> know 'ow to do it!'" /> + </a>"<i>You</i> know 'ow to do it!" + </div> + + <p><i>First Footman</i> (<i>loftily</i>). I don't know + anything about your father, I'm sure. Better go down the + airey-steps and inquire there.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. G.</i> (<i>annoyed with himself.</i>) It's my + mistake. I didn't see yer were on'y flunkeys at first. It's + yer Guv'nor <i>I</i> want—the ole man!</p> + + <p><i>First Footman</i> (<i>with cold dignity</i>). If you + are illewding to Sir NORMAN, he is not at home.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. G.</i> (<i>indignantly</i>). 'Ow can yer tell me + sech a falsehood, when I can see him myself, a-dodgin' + about down there in the passage! (<i>Forces his way past + the astonished men into the hall, and addresses a stately + Butler in plain clothes.</i>) 'Ere, Sir NASEBY, I've come + in to 'ave a little tork with you on the quiet like.</p> + + <p><i>The Butler</i> (<i>not displeased</i>). I don't + happen to be Sir NORMAN himself, my good man. Sir NORMAN is + out.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. G.</i> Out, is he? <i>that's</i> a pity! I wanted + to see him on important business. But look + 'ere—p'raps his Missus is in—<i>She'll</i> do! + (<i>To himself.</i>) I gen'ally git along with the + wimmin-folk—<i>some</i> 'ow!</p> + + <p><i>The Butler.</i> I can't say if her Ladyship is at + home. If you like to send up your name, I'll inquire.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. G.</i> You tell her Mr. BENJAMIN GULCHER is 'ere, + if she'll step down a minnit. She needn't <i>'urry</i>, yer + know, if she's 'aving her dinner or cleanin' herself. + (<i>To himself, as the</i> Butler <i>departs + noiselessly.</i>) Civil-spoken party that—one o' the + lodgers, seemin'ly. Roomy sort o' crib this 'ere. Wonder + what they pay a week for it!</p> + + <p><i>Butler</i> (<i>returning</i>). Her Ladyship will see + you, if you will step this way.</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[Mr. G. <i>is taken up a staircase, and ushered into the + presence of</i> Lady NASEBY, <i>who is seated at her + writing-table.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Lady N.</i> (<i>still writing</i>). One moment, + please. My husband is out just now—but if you will + kindly state the nature of your business with him, I + daresay I could—(<i>She looks up.</i>) Good Heavens! + What could have possessed CLARKSON to show such a person as + that in <i>here</i>! (<i>To herself.</i>)</p> + + <p><i>Mr. G.</i> (<i>in his most ingratiating manner</i>). + Well, Mum, in the absence of his Lordship, I am sure you'll + prove a 'ighly agreerble substitoot!</p> + + <p><i>Lady N.</i> (<i>freezingly</i>). May I ask you to + tell me—in two words—what it is you wish to see + him about.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. G.</i> <i>Certingly</i> you may, Mum! It's like + this 'ere. I want your good Gentleman to promise me his + vote and influence for Mr. JOE QUELCH, as we're runnin' for + a Labour Candidate this Election.</p> + + <p><i>Lady N.</i> I really cannot answer for my husband's + views on political matters, Mr.—a—SQUELCHER; I + make it a rule <i>never</i> to interfere.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. G.</i> Jest what <i>my</i> old woman sez. I've + learnt her not to argy with <i>me</i> on politics. But, yer + see, a deal depends on the way a thing is <i>done</i>, + and—(<i>insinuatingly</i>)—a good-lookin' woman + liks yourself—(Lady N. <i>gasps out a faint little + "Oh!" here</i>)—oh, I'm on'y tellin' yer what yer + know already—'ud find it easy enough to get her + better 'alf to vote <i>her</i> way, if she chooses. You + take him some evenin'—say a Saturday, now—when + he's jest 'ad enough to feel 'appy, and coax him into + giving his vote to QUELCH. <i>You</i> know 'ow to do it! + And he's the <i>right</i> man, mind yer, QUELCH + is—the right <i>man</i>!</p> + + <p><i>Lady N.</i> (<i>almost inaudibly</i>). How—how + <i>dare</i> you come into my house, and offer me this + impertinent advice! How—?</p> + + <p><i>Mr. G.</i> (<i>good-temperedly</i>). Easy there, + Lady—no impertinence intended, I'm sure. I shouldn't + come in 'ere, intrudin' on the sacred privacy of the + British 'Ome, which I'm quite aware an Englishman's 'Ouse + is his Castle—and rightly so—if I didn't feel + privileged like. I'm <i>canvassing</i>, I am!</p> + + <p><i>Lady N.</i> You are taking a most unpardonable + liberty, and, if you have the <i>slightest</i> sense of + decency—</p> + + <p><i>Mr. G.</i> (<i>imploringly</i>). Now look + 'ere—don't let us 'ave a vulgar <i>row</i> over this! + I ain't goin' to lose <i>my</i> temper. Strike—but + 'ear me! If we don't think alike, there's no reason why you + and me should fall out. I put that to <i>you</i>. It's + likely enough you don't <i>know</i> JOE QUELCH?</p> + + <p><i>Lady N.</i> (<i>with temper</i>). I never heard of + the man in my life!</p> + + <p><i>Mr. G.</i> (<i>triumphantly</i>). See there, now. + That's where canvassing comes in, d'yer see? It's our honly + way of combating the hignirance and hapathy of the Upper + Classes. Well, I'll tell yer somethink <i>about</i> 'im. + QUELCH worked as a lighterman on a barge fourteen years for + eighteen bob a-week. Ain't <i>that</i> a Man of the People + for yer? And if he gits into Parliment, he'll insist on + Labour bein' served fust; he's in favour of Shortened Hours + of Labour, Taxation o' Ground Rents, One Man one Vote, + Triannual Parliments and Payment o' Members, Compulsory + Allotments, Providin' Work by Gov'ment for the Unemployed, + Abolition o' the 'Ouse o' Lords, and a Free Breakfast + Table. Ah, and he means <i>'aving</i> it too. That's what + JOE is. But look 'ere, why not come and 'ear what he's got + to say for yerself? He's 'oldin' a small open-air meetin' + in Kipper's Court this evenin', ar-past eight percisely. + You come and bring yer 'usban', and I'll guarantee you git + a good place close to the cheer. I'll interdooce yer to him + arterwards, and he'll answer any questions yer like to arsk + him—fair <i>and</i> straight!</p> + + <p><i>Lady N.</i> (<i>feebly</i>). Thank you very much; + but—but we are unfortunately dining out this evening, + so I'm <i>afraid</i>—</p> + + <p><i>Mr. G.</i> (<i>more in sorrow than in anger</i>). + There it <i>is</i>, yer see. Yer afraid. Afraid o' 'earing + the truth. Carn't trust yerself to listen to both sides. + But I don't despair of yer yet. See 'ere; is it 'Ome Rule + that separates us? 'Cos, if so, it needn't. QUELCH don't + care no more for 'Ome Rule than that 'ere penwiper do, + between you and me! On'y, yer see, he carn't <i>say</i> so + at present, d'yer ketch my meanin'? (Lady N. <i>rings the + bell in despair</i>.) Oh, thankee, Mum, + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page47" + id="page47"></a>[pg 47]</span> if you <i>are</i> so + kind, I'll take whatever yer goin' to 'ave yerself, + <i>I</i> ain't partickler.</p> + </div> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/47.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/47.png" + alt="NEW FACES IN THE HOUSE OF COMMONS." /></a> + + <h3>NEW FACES IN THE HOUSE OF COMMONS.</h3>(<i>According to + the Portraits that have appeared in the Illustrated + Papers.</i>) + </div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page48" + id="page48"></a>[pg 48]</span> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Lady N.</i> (<i>as the</i> Butler <i>appears</i>). + CLARKSON, show this—this gentleman the way out.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. G.</i> Don't you trouble, old pal, I can find it + for myself. (<i>To</i> Lady N.) I b'lieve, if the truth was + known, you're comin' round already, Mum. I'll tell yer what + I'll do. I'll leave some o' these 'ere little pamphlicks, + as you might git your good man to run his eye over. + "<i>Why</i> I am a Radikil," "The Infamy of Tory Gov'ment," + "'Ow we are Robbed!" &c. And 'ere's a + picter-poster—"The 'Orrers of Coercion under the + Brutal BALFOUR!" Yer might put it up in yer front + winder—it don't <i>commit</i> yer to nothing, yer + know!—it'll amuse the kids, if you've any family.</p> + + <p><i>Clarkson</i> (<i>in his ear</i>). Will you walk + downstairs quietly, or shall I have to pitch you?</p> + + <p><i>Mr. G.</i> (<i>roused at last</i>). What, I'm to cop + the push, am I? An' what <i>for</i>, eh? What 'ave I done + more than you swells ha' bin doin' ever since the Elections + started? (<i>To</i> Lady N.) You come pokin' into + <i>our</i> 'ouses, without waitin' to be invited, arskin' + questions and soft-sawderin', and leavin' tracks and + coloured picters—and we put up with it all. But as + soon as one of <i>us</i> tries it on, what do yer + do?—ring for the Chucker-out! Ah, and reason enough, + too—yer know yer'll get beaten on the argyments! + (<i>Here he is gently but firmly led out by</i> CLARKSON, + <i>and concludes his observations on the' stairs + outside.</i>) Stuck-up, pudden'-'eaded fossils!... + battenin' on the People's brains!... your time'll come some + day!... Wait till QUELCH 'ears o' this! &c., + &c.</p> + + <p><i>Lady N.</i> (<i>alone</i>). Thank goodness he's + gone!—but <i>what</i> an ordeal! I really <i>must</i> + part with CLARKSON. And—whatever the Primrose League + Council may say—I shall have to tell them I + <i>must</i> give up canvassing. I don't think I <i>can</i> + do it any more—after this!</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <p>"Read it!" said Everyone. "Read what?" asked the Baron. + "<i>The Wrecker</i>," answered Everyone. "I will," quoth the + Baron, promptly. And—it was done. It took some time to + do, but of this more anon. The Baron's time is fully occupied, + never mind how, but fully, take his word for it. A copy of + <i>The Wrecker</i> was at once provided by its publishers, + Messrs. CASSELL & Co., and the question for the Baron to + consider, was not "What will I do with it?" but How, when, and + where, will I read it? Clearly 'twas no ordinary book. + Everybody was saying so, and what Everybody is saying has + considerable weight. A book not to be trained through at + express pace, so that the beauties of the surrounding scenery + would be lost, but something that when once taken up cannot be + put down again, like the brass knobs worked by an + electric-battery,—something giving you fits and starts, + and shocks, as do the electric brass-knobs aforesaid; something + that, if you begin it at 4 P.M., exhausts you by dinner-time, + and after dinner, keeps you awake till you read the last line + at 2 A.M., and then tumble into bed parched, fevered, + exhausted, but in ecstasies of delight, feeling as if you were + the hero who had experienced all the dangers, and had come out + of them triumphantly.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/48-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/48-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>Such were the Baron's anticipations as to the joys in store + for him on reading <i>The Wrecker</i>, by Messrs. ROBERT LOUIS + STEVENSON and LLOYD OSBOURNE. The Baron hit on a plan, he must + isolate himself as if he were a telephone-wire. "Good," quoth + he, "Isolation is the sincerest flattery,—towards + authors." The friend in need, not in the sense of being out at + elbows, appeared at the right moment, as did the Slave of the + Lamp to <i>Aladdin</i>. "Come to my house in the mountains," + said this Genius, heartily; "come to the wold where the foxes + dwell, not a hundred miles from a cab-stand, yet far far + away,—amid lovely scenery, in beautiful air, to quiet + reposeful rooms, with the silence of the cloister and the + jollity of the Hall where beards wag all, in the evening, when + the daily task is done." "Friend REGINALD SYDE, I thank thee," + responded gratefully the Baron. "I am there!" And in less time + than it takes to go the whole distance in a four-horsed coach + with a horn blowing and the horses blown, the Baron, travelling + by special express, was there,—all there! The Authorities + on the line made no extra charge for taking <i>The Wrecker</i> + as luggage.</p> + + <p>The weather was favourable for reading; an interminable + downpour, when one is grateful for any book, even a + <i>Dictionary of Dates</i>, or the remains of a <i>Boyle's + Court Guide</i>. The Brave Baron shut himself into his room, + laid in stores of tobacco and grog, decided, in the course of + half an hour, on a comfortable position, and then laid himself + out for the perusal, not to say the study, of <i>The + Wrecker</i>. Introductory Chapter excellent,—appetising. + "<i>Oliver</i> asks for more," murmurs the Baron to himself, + settling down to "the Yarn." Chapter I. Now a strange thing + happened. The Story broke off! suddenly—inexplicably. + Descriptions, yes, by the handful, by the cartload—all + excellent, no doubt—and much to be appreciated by a + reader with nothing on earth to do the whole year round; but, + about page 53, the Baron began to be uneasy, shifted his + pillows, refilled pipe, took "modest quencher," and then turned + to grapple with <i>The Wrecker</i>. No good. Where the deuce + had the Story got to? When would the excitement come in? Where + was the sensation? Toiling on, went the Baron, stopping + frequently to wish he had a dictionary wherein he might + ascertain the meaning of strange, uncouth words and phrases, + and to anathematise the Authors separately or together. Had + OSBOURNE interfered with STEVENSON, or was STEVENSON allowing + OSBOURNE to have his say, reserving himself for a grand + <i>coup</i> at half-price? Would OSBOURNE chuck STEVENSON + overboard, or was it to be t'other way off? At page 90 the + Baron decided he would take a walk round, even if it were + pouring cats and dogs, and exclaiming, "Air, air, give me air!" + he rushed forth. It was fine. A brisk walk and a + talk—just like King CHARLES "who walked and + talked"—with his genial host REGI SYDE, restored the + Baron's circulation, and made him wonder to himself at the + reported great circulation of the book. Back to his room + again—into easy chair—p. 100—<i>Happy + Thought</i>. This book is about ships and sea, The Baron will + be a Skipper!—and so he skips, skips, with great relief, + until "A sail in sight appears,"—spell it "sale," and + there's a picture of it—"He hails it with three + cheers!"</p> + + <p>Now the Story, at p. 134, begins in good earnest, and, + except for the idle dilletante reader, all the foregoing, from + the first Chapter, might go by the board—that is, as far + as the Baron can make out. He speaks only for himself. The + Chapter describing the sale by auction is first-rate; no doubt + about it. The Baron's spirits, just now down to zero, rose to + over 100°. On we go: Throw over OSBOURNE, and come along with + Louis STEVENSON of <i>Treasure Island</i>. Bah! that exciting + Chapter was but a flash in the pan: brilliant but brief: and + "Here we are!" growls the Baron, "struggling along among a lot + of puzzling lumber in search of excitement number two, which + does not seem to come until Chapter XXIV., p. 383." Then there + is a good blow out—of brains, a scrimmaging, a banging, + and a firing, and a scuffling, and a fainting, and one + marvellous effect. And then—is heard no more. The Baron + harks back, harks for'ard. No: puzzlement is his portion. Who + was who, when everybody turned out to be somebody else? Where + was the Money? or more important, Where is the Interest? "Well, + that I cannot tell," quoth he, "but 'twas a famous queer + Sto-<i>ree</i>!" Perhaps the Baron, reading against time, did + not do it justice; or, perhaps he did. Anyway, meeting a + Lady-Stevensonian admirer, the Baron ventured to communicate to + her his great disappointment; whereupon she timidly whispered, + "Well, Baron, to tell you the truth, I quite agree with you. I + found it awfully tedious—except the sensations; but + everybody is praising it; so please, O please, do not betray my + secret!" "Madam, a lady's secret, even the universally-known + <i>Lady Audley's Secret</i>, is inviolable when intrusted + to</p> + + <p class="author">Your devoted Servant,<br /> + THE BARON DE B.-W."</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>SUMMERUMBRELLA.</h3> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:18%;"> + <a href="images/48-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/48-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I long for sunshine, such as there must be</p> + + <p class="i2">In Egypt, blazing on the native + Fellah;</p> + + <p>I see no sun or sky, I only see</p> + + <p class="i10">My own Umbrella!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"No sun, no moon," as HOOD wrote long ago,</p> + + <p class="i2">"No sky," no star—called, by the + Romans, <i>stella</i>—</p> + + <p>Like negative November here below,</p> + + <p class="i10">My own Umbrella!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Think not of "AMARYLLIS in the shade"!</p> + + <p class="i2">Can I play tennis in the rain with + BELLA,</p> + + <p>Holding aloft, while through the flood I wade,</p> + + <p class="i10">My own Umbrella?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I'm sick of sitting in the Club to scoff;</p> + + <p>I'll take a walk. Hang me! Some English "fellah"</p> + + <p>Has left his rotten gamp, and carried off</p> + + <p class="i10">My own Umbrella!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p><big>☞</big> NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or + Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or + Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not + even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, + Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +103, July 30, 1892, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14919-h.htm or 14919-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/9/1/14919/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +https://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +https://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at https://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit https://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including including checks, online payments and credit card +donations. To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + + +</pre> + +</body> +</html> diff --git a/14919-h/images/37-1.png b/14919-h/images/37-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..77b2100 --- /dev/null +++ b/14919-h/images/37-1.png diff --git a/14919-h/images/37-2.png b/14919-h/images/37-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..656575b --- /dev/null +++ b/14919-h/images/37-2.png diff --git a/14919-h/images/38.png b/14919-h/images/38.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b0ff839 --- /dev/null +++ b/14919-h/images/38.png diff --git a/14919-h/images/39-1.png b/14919-h/images/39-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9fb82d0 --- /dev/null +++ b/14919-h/images/39-1.png diff --git a/14919-h/images/39-2.png b/14919-h/images/39-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c132dcd --- /dev/null +++ b/14919-h/images/39-2.png diff --git a/14919-h/images/40-1.png b/14919-h/images/40-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..41a436d --- /dev/null +++ b/14919-h/images/40-1.png diff --git a/14919-h/images/40-2.png b/14919-h/images/40-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4de89d0 --- /dev/null +++ b/14919-h/images/40-2.png diff --git a/14919-h/images/41.png b/14919-h/images/41.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7146ec9 --- /dev/null +++ b/14919-h/images/41.png diff --git a/14919-h/images/42.png b/14919-h/images/42.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..0ad90d0 --- /dev/null +++ b/14919-h/images/42.png diff --git a/14919-h/images/43.png b/14919-h/images/43.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..80fc373 --- /dev/null +++ b/14919-h/images/43.png diff --git a/14919-h/images/45.png b/14919-h/images/45.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ff6cdff --- /dev/null +++ b/14919-h/images/45.png diff --git a/14919-h/images/46.png b/14919-h/images/46.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ddc8424 --- /dev/null +++ b/14919-h/images/46.png diff --git a/14919-h/images/47.png b/14919-h/images/47.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f09a462 --- /dev/null +++ b/14919-h/images/47.png diff --git a/14919-h/images/48-1.png b/14919-h/images/48-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..3b8980a --- /dev/null +++ b/14919-h/images/48-1.png diff --git a/14919-h/images/48-2.png b/14919-h/images/48-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..878bc61 --- /dev/null +++ b/14919-h/images/48-2.png diff --git a/14919.txt b/14919.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..bdd6579 --- /dev/null +++ b/14919.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1670 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 103, +July 30, 1892, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 103, July 30, 1892 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14919] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 103. + + + +July 30, 1892. + + + + +IAGO IN BIRMINGHAM. + +(_SHAKSPEARE ONCE MORE ON THE SITUATION._) + +[Illustration] + + _Iago_ MR. J-S-PH CH-MB-RL-N. + _Roderigo_ MR. J-SSE C-LL-NS. + +_Roderigo._ Thou told'st me thou did'st hold him in thy hate. + +_Iago._ Despise me, if I did not. The great ones of the City, + In personal suit to make me his Lieutenant, + Off-capped to him:--and, by the faith of man, + I know my price--I am worth no worse a place; + But he, as loving his own pride and purposes, + Evades them with a bombast circumstance, + Horribly stuffed with epithets of war; + And, in conclusion, + Nonsuits my meditators; for, "Certes," says he, + "I have already chose my officer." And who was he? + Forsooth, a great Arithmetician. + * * * * * + That never set a squadron in the field, + Nor the division of a battle knows + More than a spinster; unless the bookish theorick, + Wherein the toged Consul can propose + As masterly as he; mere prattle, without practice, + Is all his soldiership. + _But, Sir, he had the Election!_ + + * * * * * + +A RESULT OF BEING HOSPITABLE. + + SCENE--_Small, but Fashionable Club in West-End._ + +_Algy._ Waiter! bring me a brandy-and-soda. Don't feel up to the +average to-day. + +_Hughie._ Late last night? + +_Algy._ Yes. Went to Mrs. CRAMMERLY's Dance, Prince's Gate. Goodness +knows _why_ I went! I don't think they'll get me there again in a +hurry. + +_Charlie_ (_waking up from arm-chair_). Were _you_ a victim too? I +didn't see you there! + +_Algy._ No. Because I probably left before you arrived. I had had +enough of it in an hour, and came on here to supper; not before I +had nearly poisoned myself with a concoction that old CRAMMERLY was +asserting loudly, was an "'80 wine." + +_Charlie_ (_laughing_). Ah! my dear friend, _I_ had been there before, +and knew the ropes. Took pretty good care to steer clear of the wine, +and got a chap to give me a whiskey-and-soda. + +_Uninvited Member._ May I ask where was this charming Party? + +_Algy._ At the CRAMMERLY's, Prince's Gate. Colonel CRAMMERLY. + +_Uninvited M._ Colonel CRAMMERLY! Let's see, was he an old Crimea man? + +_Algy._ _No_!--He _was_ Colonel in the Bounders Green Volunteers. +(_Roars of laughter._) You know "CRAMMERLY's Starch"--made a fortune +out of it. + +_Charlie._ He must have spent a bit of it last night. They say the +flowers alone cost over a thousand pounds. + +[Illustration] + + _Enter_ Captain O. + +_Captain O._ Talking about the Colonel CRAMMERLY Party, eh? (_To_ +Uninvited M.) Were you there? + +_Uninvited M._ (_very satirically_). Oh, dear no! I fear I'm not +smart enough to warrant my admittance into that _charmed_ and _select_ +circle. [_Roars of laughter._ + +_Capt. O._ By Jove, you were well out of it. (_Addressing the Club +generally._) Did--you ever see such--eh? + +_Charlie._ I want to know where the deuce they get their men from. + +_Algy._ I fancy they discover them in the City. + +_Jack._ _I_ never met--such shocking people before. + +_Capt. O._ Too dreadful for words. I could only conclude they must +have been relations. [_Roars of laughter._ + +_Jack._ By the way, did you notice that there was a "bounder" who was +reversing? + +_Uninvited M._ (_with great indignation_). No!!! + +_Jack._ I tell you it's a positive fact--I know it to my cost; for I +was dancing with that youngest daughter, you know--the one who has the +fluffy fringe over her forehead--and the brute bounced against us, +and sent us flying. Never even apologised. If I could have got him +outside, I declare I would have given him a deuced good hiding. A man +like that ought to be kicked. + +_Uninvited M._ Were the women any better? + +_Algy._ Well, if you call Mrs. DASH any better! + +_Uninvited M._ (_with tragic intensity_). You _don't_ mean to say +_she_ was there! + +_Algy._ I _do_. + +_Uninvited M._ But do you mean to say that Mrs. CRAMMERLY has heard-- + +_Jack._ No. She's deaf. [_Laughter._ + +_Uninvited M._ Well, you _do_ surprise me! (_After a long pause._) Any +other shining lights of London Society? + +_Jack._ No--except that fearful Mrs. JUSSOPH and her daughters, who +honoured me with an invitation to their afternoon party at their +suburban residence at _West Kensington_. I don't know whether you +regard them as an illumination. [_Roars of laughter._ + +_Uninvited M._ (_triumphantly._) Good gracious! Then there was +positively no one there that one knows. + +_Algy_ (_thinking he has said something original_). No one, that one +_wants_ to know. + +_Uninvited M._ I suppose the whole thing was done for an +advertisement--? + +_Algy._ Possibly. Anyhow, once bitten, twice shy. They won't get _me_ +inside their stuccoed palace again. + +_Chorus of Those who were at the Party._ Same here! [_Pause._ + +_Capt. O._ (_lighting cigar by candle_). By the way, JACK, did old +CRAM. ask you to Scotland for the 12th? + +_Jack._ Yes. + +_Capt. O._ So he did me. Shall you go? + +_Jack._ It depends--I think so--if I don't get anything better. I'm +told it's a wonderful shoot. They pulled down over a thousand birds +the first day, last year. + +_Capt. O._ Does old CRAMMERLY shoot? + +_Jack._ Oh dear no! He's as blind as a bat. He only rents it for his +friends. + +_Capt. O._ (_greatly relieved_). That's good news, for he's a terrible +bore. He'd be a shocking nuisance on the Moors. I must say, I can't +stand _him_ at any price. + +_Jack._ No, nor any of the family, for the matter of that. Well, ta, +ta! Perhaps we shall meet there. I'm off to the Empire, to join some +friends who've got a box. + + [_Exit to enjoy further hospitality._ + + * * * * * + +"PERFIDIOUS ALBION" AGAIN.--Lieutenant MIZON, with his grievances +against the British Niger Company, was _feted_ last week in Paris. +To inform Frenchmen that the British Company in question is not so +_niger_ as it has been painted would be useless at the present moment, +when Frenchmen are still loud in their applause of the speech made by +the Prefect of the Seine in such a _Mizon-scene_. [N.B.--_Jeu de mot_ +forwarded by our own "Prefect of the In-Seine."] + + * * * * * + +FROM NEWCASTLE.--Mr. HAMOND, M.P. for Newcastle, charged Mr. JOHN +MORLEY with having made a certain statement. Mr. MORLEY denied it, and +asked Mr. HAMOND to substantiate the charge. Mr. HAMOND could not do +this, nor did he apologise. Is this the "_'Amond honorable_"? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SIR CARLOS EUAN-SMITHEZ; OR, THE INSULTING SULTAN AND +THE HIGH-TONED CHRISTIAN KNIGHT. + +_A MODERN MOORISH BALLAD, AFTER THE FASHION OF BON GAULTIER._] + + Brave Sir CARLOS EUAN-SMITHEZ! basely have they borne thee down; + Thousands, thirty, would they tip thee as a churl they'd tip a + crown? + Thou at home hadst shown that Sultan with emphatic toe the door; + In Morocco thou didst coolly turn thy back upon the Moor. + + Long in fiery Fez he lingered, subtle SMITHEZ, being bound + To contract Commercial Treaty with the minions of MAHOUND. + Full eight weeks' negociations smoothed that Treaty's parlous way; + On the fifth July the Sultan swore it should be signed next day. + + But the false Frank's furtive whisper at the Sultan's ear was heard. + (When the Frank may foil the Saxon won't he do so? Like a bird!) + And the treacherous Moorish Monarch, to his people's interest blind, + Sold the sham he dubbed his honour, changed the thing he deemed + his mind. + + "Christian Knight," began the Monarch ("knight" was diplomat for + "dog"), + "There is something in your Treaty, that I relish--like roast hog. + Know Morocco is no home for Factories and Colossal Stores; + And the omnipresent Bagman is a bugbear to my Moors! + + "All my Cadis, all my ladies, wish at--Hades Western Trade. + You must make large alterations in the Treaty we've half made; + Shape it not in Christian interests, Christian Knight, but in + MAHOUND's, + And--incline thine ear!--I'll give thee, Christian, Thirty + Thousand Pounds!!!" + + Enter black slave bearing Treasure! Ranged bags of glittering gold! + Then upspake brave EUAN-SMITHEZ. "Hold, base Sultan; minion, hold! + Dost thou think to bribe and buy a Christian Knight? A Paynim plan! + If _I_ take it, thou mayst sell me to a Moorish dog's-meat man!" + + Then his steed obeyed his master, and he whinnied loud and free, + Turned his back upon the tempter, caracoled with coltish glee; + Struck out with his heels behind him, smote that slave upon the + nose, + Kicked the bags until the bullion in a Danae shower arose. + + Never DON FERNANDO's charger, _Bavieca_, gave such spring, + In the sawdust-sprinkled circus of AL-WIDDICOMB, the King! + Never did DON GOMERSALEZ fill the Moslem with more fear, + When he smote him o'er the mazzard with his streak-o'-lightning + spear! + + And the scattered gold flew widely, urged by that prodigious kick, + Smote the Frank behind the throne, although he dodged amazing quick; + Spattered that insulting Sultan, like a splash of London mud, + Blackening his dexter eye, and from his "boko" drawing blood. + + Then Sir CARLOS EUAN-SMITHEZ gave that Moorish Sultan beans, + Holding it foul scorn--as did the pluckiest of Christian Queens-- + a Christian Knight should take an insult from a turban'd Moor, + Without landing him a hot 'un, without giving him what-for! + + Speed thee, speed thee, noble charger! Speed thee faster than the + wind! + Stout Sir CARLOS EUAN-SMITHEZ leaves that Moorish Fez behind; + Shakes its sand from off his shoes, and, having wiped the Sultan's + eye, + Turns his back, and takes his hook, without e'en wishing him + "Good-bye!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PARLIAMENTARY PRIVILEGE. + +_Wife of the Late Member for Tooting._ "ARCHIBALD, WHY WERE YOU SO +GRUMPY AT THE BIGGE BOOTHBYS' TO-NIGHT?" + +_L.M. for T._ "SUCH PEOPLE, SUCH A DINNER, FOR A MAN WHO HAS JUST LOST +HIS SEAT!" + +_Wife._ "I'M SURE PARLIAMENT DIDN'T DO ANYTHING FOR YOU!" + +_L.M. for T._ "AT LEAST IT SPARED ME THIS SORT OF THING HAPPENING SIX +TIMES A WEEK!"] + + * * * * * + +OPERATIC NOTES. + +_Last Nights of the Season._--_Monday._--"By General Desire," the +Second and Third Acts of DE LARA-Boom-de-ay's Opera, called _La Luce +dell' Asia_, followed by _Cavalleria Rusticana_. Was "by general +desire" applied to the entire programme, or only to its first part? +Well, we may take for granted that everyone wanted to hear and see +again--but especially to hear--the _Cavalleria_. So the "special +desire" must apply to _La Luce_ solely and only. If so, then from this +wording we gather that the general and uncontrollable desire to hear +the Second and Third Acts of DE LA-RA-Boom's Opera did not extend to +its Prologue, First Act, Fourth Act (if any), and Epilogue. But is +it complimentary to a Composer to express a general wish to hear only +certain portions of his work, implying thereby that the generally +un-expressed desire is rather against than for re-hearing the other +portions? All the same Sir COVENT GARDENIUS exercises a _sound_ +discretion in thus dealing with this particular Opera. + +_Tuesday._--BEMBERG's New Opera, _Elaine_. + + _Chorus._--Why was _Elaine_ + Given again? + O DRURIOLAN- + US, please explain! + +And he did so, by saying in the programme "[fist] In consequence of +its Great Success and by general desire." Ha! ha! look at the hand, +with index-finger outstretched! By this sign, Sir DRURIOLANUS would +have us to understand that "this Opera was not one which ever went +_without a hand_." Moreover, Sir ORACLE tells us of its "Great +Success;" note the capitals, and note also, the expression itself, +which was not found in the announcement of the repetition of the +Second and Third Acts of the Light Asian Opera on Monday. Isn't +this an artful way of pitting Admirable BEMBERG against our own +accomplished DE-LARA-Boom? "We" were not there either Monday or +Tuesday, which, as far as the inimitable _intermezzo_ of the "Rustic +Chivalry" goes, was distinctly "our" loss. But they were going to do +without us, and they did so; but whether ill or well, this deponent, +meaning "We," knoweth not; and so, we're like Brer Rabbit, who lay low +and said nothin'. Brer Wolf sezzee were kinder sorry he was unable to +go Satterday arternoon for to hear Brer Fox's new Opera, _Nydia, the +Blind Girl_. + +_Friday._--_Don Giovanni._--Madame DOTTI, in taking the _role_ +of _Donna Anna_, "took the cake." Not going "a bit dotty," but in +excellent form. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +BE-LITTLER-ING MR. GLADSTONE'S MAJORITY.--Not that the G.O.M. is +"coming of age in the olden times,"--as somebody's picture has +it,--but that he is coming in with a mixed Majority of atoms difficult +to be assimilated. This much exercises the wigorous brain of Mr. +R.D.M. LITTLER, Q.C. writing to the _Times_. Of course R.D.M. LITTLER, +Q.C.--which initials, being interpreted, may mean, "Railway Directors' +Man"--is the Conservativest of Conservatives--"but that's another +Tory," as one may say, adapting RUDYARD KIPLING's phrase,--and, +difficult as the G.O.M. may find it to get on with the aid of a Little +Majority, he couldn't get on any better with the aid of a Littler. + + * * * * * + +NOTE.--The Guide to Wild West Kensington should announce the objects +of interest in this Buffalo Bill Show, not as "classified," but +"Codyfied." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE EXPRESSED OTHERWISE. + +_Host._ "TAKE A LITTLE WHISKEY BEFORE YOU GO, JONES!" + +_Jones_ (_after helping himself_). "THANKS! MAY I POUR YOU OUT SOME?" + +_Host._ "PLEASE--NOT TOO MUCH--JUST ABOUT HALF WHAT YOU'VE GIVEN +YOURSELF!"] + + * * * * * + +THE TRAVELLER. + +(_MODERN VERSION BY A GRATEFUL COOK'S TOURIST._) + + [Mr. THOMAS COOK, originator of the great "Personally + Conducted" Tourist and Excursionist System, died on Monday the + 18th July, aged 84 years.] + + "Remote, unfriended, melancholy slow, + Or by the lazy Scheldt, or wandering Po?" + Nay, gentle GOLDSMITH, it is thus no more, + None now need fear "the rude Carinthian boor," + The bandit Greek, the Swiss of avid grin, + Or e'en the predatory Bedouin. + Where'er we roam, whatever realms to see, + Our thoughts, great Agent, must revert to thee. + From Parthenon or Pyramid, we look + In travelled ease, and bless the name of COOK! + Eternal blessings crown the wanderer's friend! + At Ludgate Hill may all the world attend. + Blest be that spot where the great world instructor + Assumed the _role_ of Personal Conductor! + Blest be those "parties," with safe-conduct crowned, + Who do in marshalled hosts the Regular Round; + Gregarious gaze at Pyramid or Dome, + The heights of Athens, or the walls of Rome, + Then like flock-folded sheep, are shepherded safe home. + + "Let observation, with extensive view, + Survey mankind from China to Peru." + By all means, yes, or even further fare, + And Afric's forest huge and poisonous Pigmies dare. + But, to avoid the lonely traveller's pain, + From Ludgate Circus drag the well-linked chain; + As Amurath to Amurath succeeds, + So COOK to COOK! THOMAS's grandiose deeds + What Tourist may forget? The great one's gone, + But his vast enterprise shall still march on. + What THOMAS started, is pursued by JOHN. + Peace to the dust of the Great Pioneer, + "Great COOK is dead, long live Great COOK!" we cheer. + + * * * * * + +DARK DOINGS.--Mrs. MARTHA RICKS, the emancipated black slave, who came +all the way from Liberia to pay Her Gracious MAJESTY a morning call, +may be now known as "The QUEEN's Black Woman," or as a companion +silhouette to "SALISBURY's Black Man." Of course she will go back +laden with valuable presents, quite a wealthy old lady, or "_Ricks +Pecuniarum_." + + * * * * * + +THE DUFFER IN POLITICS. + +My country neighbours at Mount Duffer are not literary. So very remote +from this condition are they, that they regard men of letters as +"awful men," in the Shakspearian sense of the word. Consequently, +since those papers began to appear, sometimes, in the pages of _Mr. +Punch_, I have risen in the general esteem. Even JOHN DUC MACNAB has +been heard to admit, that though the MAC DUFFER is "nae gude ava' with +the rod or the rifle, he's a fell ane with the pen in his hand. Nae +man kens what he means, he's that deep." In consequence of the spread +of this flattering belief, I have been approached by various local +Parties, to sound my fathomless depths as a possible Candidate. + +[Illustration] + +First came a deputation of Jacobites. They were all ladies, of +different ages, young and old; all wore ornaments in which the locks +of Queen MARY, CHARLES THE FIRST, Prince CHARLIE, and other Saints and +Martyrs, were conspicuously displayed. Would I stand as a Jacobite? +they asked, and generally in the interests of Romance and Royalism. I +said that I would be delighted; but inquired as to whether we had not +better wait for Female Suffrage. That seemed our best chance, I said. +They replied, that FLORA MACDONALD had no vote, and what was good +enough for her was good enough for them. I then hinted that it would +be well to know for which King, or Queen, I was to unfurl the banner +at Glenfinnon. I also suggested that the modern Crofters did not seem +likely to rally round us. The first question provoked a split, or +rather several splits in our Party. It appeared that some five or +six Pretenders of both sexes, and of intricate genealogies, had their +advocates. An unpleasant scene followed, and things were said which +could never be forgiven. The deputation, which had been expected +to stay to luncheon, retired in tears, exclaiming for a variety of +monarchs all "over the water." + +The local Gladstonians came next. I had never declared myself, they +said. Was I for Home Rule? I said we must first review Mr. GLADSTONE's +numerous writings about HOMER, and then come to Home Rule. "HOMER +stops the way!" Were Mr. GLADSTONES Homeric theories compatible with +a rational frame of mind? Here I felt very strong, and animated with +a keen desire to impart information. The deputation said all this +was ancient history. As to Home Rule itself, they said it really +did not matter. What they wanted was, free poaching, free private +whiskey-stills, free land, and a large head of game, to be kept up by +the proprietor, for the benefit of the glen, as in old times. I said +that these seemed to me to be Utopian demands. If you all fish, and +shoot, and drown the keepers in the linn, I urged, there will soon be +no game left for any of you. No Game-laws, I observed, and you will +obviously have no poaching. There will be nothing to poach, and no +fun in doing it. They said that they would pay keepers to hold the +Southern bodies off, out of the rates, and the rates would be paid by +the Laird--meaning me. I said I knew that several Lairds were standing +on this platform, but that, personally, if my land and rents were to +be taken away, I did not see how the rates were to be got out of my +empty sporran. This was a new idea to them, but I cheered them up +by saying I was in favour of Compulsory Access to Mountains, with +no Personal Option in the matter. This was what the people needed, I +said--they needed to be made to climb mountains, beginning with Box +Hill. On Bank Holidays, I remarked, they never go to the top. They +stay where the beer is. I would have a staff of Inspectors, to see +that they went. The general limbs and lungs would be greatly improved, +and the sale of whiskey, from private stills, would be increased. + +This unlucky remark divided my Party. The Free Kirk Minister wore a +blue ribbon, and was a Temperance-at-any-price politician. Two of "The +Men," however,--a kind of inspired Highland prophets--had a still of +their own, and they and the Minister nearly came to blows. The Party +then withdrew, giving three cheers for Mr. GLADSTONE, but not pledging +themselves to vote for me. + +The Eight Hours' people were at me next. I said I saw that the Bill +would provide employment for a number of people, but I added, that I +did not see who was to pay the wages, nor who was to buy the goods. +For, I remarked, you certainly cannot compete with foreign countries +at this rate, and at home the Classes will be competing with _you_, +being obliged to have recourse to manual labour. They said that was +just what they wanted, everybody to labour with his hands. I answered +that many of the Classes, a poor lot at best (_cheers_), would come +on the Parish. Who was to pay the rates when everybody was working, +and nobody was buying what was made? If there were no markets, where +were you to sell your produce? They said they would live on the land. +I answered that the land would not support the population: you would +need to import bread-stuffs, with what were you going to pay for them? +I added that my heart was with them, but that they could only attain +their ends by massacring or starving three-fourths of the population, +and who knew how he himself might fare, with a three-to-one chance +against his survival? Suppose it did not come to that, I urged, +suppose the Bill gave all the world employment; suppose that, somehow, +it also paid their wages, or supported them, in a very short time you +would need a Four Hours' Bill (_cheers_), a Two Hours' Bill, a One +Hour's Bill, of course with no fall in wages. The constitution of +things would not run to it. + +They said that I had clearly not fought out the economic aspect of +the question. I said that was how my hair was blanched, with trying to +fight it out, but that, somehow, it always baffled me. I added remarks +about squaring the circle, but they said it was a good deal easier to +square Mr. GLADSTONE. The friends of Total Prohibition of Vaccination +and of Beer were waiting, also a deputation, who wanted subscriptions +for a SHELLEY Memorial, Russian Jews, Maxim guns for Missionaries, +and other benevolent objects. I declined to see _them_, however, and +was left to solitude, and to the reflection that I am unfitted for +the sphere of active politics. In this belief the neighbours are now +pretty generally agreed, which, as I have no keen ambition to shine in +Parliament, is a very fortunate circumstance. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A VICTORY OF THE POLLS. + +MENTAL COLLAPSE OF AN ELECTION EDITOR AFTER COMPILING STATISTICS DAY +AND NIGHT FOR THE LAST THREE WEEKS!] + + * * * * * + +LADY GAY'S SELECTIONS. + +_Mount Street, Grosvenor Square._ + +DEAR MR. PUNCH, + +The Race for the Eclipse Stakes at Sandown was productive of +tremendous excitement, and everybody turned pale as the two gallant +horses came up the straight, locked together, but the key to +the situation--Parliamentary phrase, due to the prevalence of +Elections--was held by the champion _Orme_, who managed to get home, +"all out" by a neck!--at least, Lord ARTHUR said he was "_all out_," +though how he could be "_home_" at the same time I don't quite +understand--but he may have been alluding to the backers of _Orvieto_. +I was told that _St. Damien_ "made up a lot of ground at the finish;" +but I can't say I noticed it myself, as the course looked to me +exactly as it did before the race! Dear me! how pleased my friends +the Duke and Duchess of WESTMINSTER did look! and with good reason, +too--it was a wonderful task for _Orme_ to accomplish, with only six +weeks' training!--it must have been a _special_ train all the time; +in fact, the one he was brought to Sandown in, I suppose. + +Being unable to go to Leicester, I took advantage of a military +escort, offered me by--(no--let the gallant officer's name remain a +secret--he little thought he was escorting a Press-lady)--to pay a +visit to the New Wimbledon--and being nothing if not loyal, I chose +the day when the shooting for the "Queen's" commenced. My escort +informed me with an inane smile, that the Camp had experienced "Bisley +weather;" the feebleness of which joke so annoyed me, that I am half +inclined to put his name in the pillory of public print--(what a +glorious expression for our own Midlothian Mouther)--but I refrain, +for reasons connected with Lord ARTHUR. + +I must say that I think Bisley has a more business-like look than +Wimbledon ever had, though perhaps this is scarcely to the taste of +the average feminine visitor, who used to enjoy pic-nicing to the +accompaniment of whizzing bullets, and does not appreciate the latter +without the former. The shooting was very uncertain in the first +stage of the Queen's, as the wind was in a variable mood--(is the wind +_feminine_, I wonder?)--going sometimes at eighteen and sometimes +at thirty miles an hour, which was disconcerting and inconsiderate +behaviour (it _must_ be feminine!)--calculated to annoy any +right-minded Volunteer! Indeed, one notoriously good shot, Private +CHICKEN, although a good _plucked_ one--having made six misses in ten +shots--declined to be _roasted_ by his friends, and retired into his +_casserole_--which is French for tent, I believe--while several other +marksmen (why marksmen?) found themselves carefully placing their +bullets on other people's targets. + +However, I was much struck with the equanimity with which reverses +were accepted by the members of our gallant Amateur Army, and +intend composing an ode in their honour, to be sung in camp to +the accompaniment of bullets, bagpipes, and brass bands! (more +alliteration for the Midlothian Maltese Marriage Merchant), the +refrain of which will run thus:-- + + The Volunteer! The Volunteer!! + No matter how the wind may veer! + Will have no fear! and will not sweer! so do not jeer!!! the + Volunteer!!!" + +--appropriate _patriotic_ music to which will be written by Signor +CLEMENTI SCHIOTTI! + +There is no racing of any importance this week, there being only a +small Meeting under Pic Nic Rules, at a place called Goodwood--(I +write of it in this contemptuous way, as I am not going +myself)--somewhere on the coast of the Solent--to which I need not +allude at any length; I will, therefore, only mention one race +having been so successful lately, that I can afford to rest on my +oars--(rather an insecure position by the way, for anyone who can't +swim!) and remain as usual + +Yours devotedly, LADY GAY. + +CHESTERFIELD CUP SELECTION. + + To win such a race as the Chesterfield Cup, + Is a task wanting speed and endurance; + And the duty of all, ere the ghost giving up, + Is to quickly effect an _Insurance_." + +_P.S._--I don't see any _sense_ in this, but the _rhyme_ is good! + +L.G. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: UNPLEASANT DUTIES OF CLUB LIFE. + +MONSIEUR VICTOR ACHILLE PETROLY, THE NEW CHEF, IS SUDDENLY SUMMONED +BEFORE THE COMMITTEE TO RECEIVE A REPRIMAND. + +THE QUESTION IS, WHO'S TO ADMINISTER IT?] + + * * * * * + +WILLIAM THE WHEELMAN. + +_Enthusiastic Cyclist loquitur_:-- + + I have noticed with unfeigned and real pleasure, + The rapid growth of Cycling. (_How it jumps!_) + To those who have the energy and leisure + It affords--(_Confound this saddle! it so bumps!_) + What otherwise would be quite unattainable, + A healthy, and a pleasurable form + Of exercise. (_Yes, health is hereby gainable;_ + _But I am most uncomfortably warm!_) + + It gives them the advantages of travel, + (_By Jingo! I was nearly over then!_ + _A tumble and the "gravel-rash" would gravel_ + _The nimblest of extremely Grand Old Men_) + Which, previous to the Cycle's happy advent, + Were out of almost everybody's reach. + (_And to the "spirits" of the cycling-cad vent._ + _'Arry on Wheels the law must manners teach._) + + It's really very much more profitable + Than is the long luxurious rail way journey. + (_If in the saddle I feel not more stable,_ + _I'll be "unhorsed," like tilter in a tourney!_) + Monotonous the journey from the City, + Along a fixed unalterable route. + (_This is an old "bone-shaker." 'Tis a pity!_ + _For over the front wheel one's apt to shoot._) + + The traveller's whirled from station unto station, + (_I wish there were more stations on this road_,) + With hardly half a chance for observation. + (_If I know where I am, may I be blowed!_), + Without an opportunity to examine + The district. (_Wish that I could spot a pub!_ + _For I am overdone with thirst and famine,_ + _And see no chance of tipple or of grub!_) + + (_I must travel many miles o'er clay or cobble,_ + _I fear, before I'll have a real rest,_ + _The big wheel and the little shift and wobble,_ + _I think the low pneumatic Cycle's best._ + _Eh? "Dangerous to Cyclists!" That's a notice,_ + _I fancy, that suggests a spin down-hill._ + _How stiff I feel! How very parched my throat is!_ + _Hold up! By Jove, but that was near a spill!_) + + I emphasise the fact that I consider + That, physically--(_Pheugh! that little wheel_ + _Is dangerous as poor old WELLER's "widder_,") + Yes, morally, and socially, I feel + The benefits of Cycling are unbounded, + Almost--(_Almost I fear a nasty fall!_ + _I wish, with big and little wheel confounded,_ + _That I were on a Safety, after all!_) + + * * * * * + +WHISPER BY _AN ILL_ WIND.--If Alderman KNILL cannot conscientiously +attend the Established Church service, whereat it is not essential for +a Lord Mayor to be present, the Court of Aldermen ought to be proud +of him, and elect him "Willy-Knilly" to be Lord Mayor all the same. +Whatever may be the result, of Alderman KNILL nothing but good can be +said. "_Nil nisi bonum._" + + * * * * * + +BLACK GAME.--"Bother Morocco!" says a Sportsman. "What's the news from +the Moors?" + + * * * * * + +A PROSPECT OF THE TWELFTH. + +(_BY AN IMPRESSIONIST._) + +Certainly, I can foresee my adventures. I can tell of my march over +the heather, of my delight as the breezy air sweeps over the moors, +and helps to bronze my already sunburnt face! + +I can fancy the chatter of the keeper as he holds my second gun, and +pays me that attention which can only be wiped off by tips! I can hear +the sound of the first shot, and decipher the meaning of the initial +puff of smoke! + +I can see the shadows disappearing as lunchtime comes to hand. I can +recognise the cart with its goodly contents, and the girls who will +sit beside us as we discuss our modest pies (hot and savoury,) and +quaff our '84. And then I can hear the retreating footsteps as the +darlings trip away, leaving us to resume our chase after the birds. + +And then the shadows will grow longer, and the sun will set behind +the hills in a mass of purple, red, and gold; and it will be time for +us to turn our faces towards the shooting-box that will shelter us +through the long watches of the summer's night. + +And lastly I can see the final halt at the poulterer's, as we purchase +the grouse to fill our bags before the journeying home. + + * * * * * + +A GEOGRAPHICAL THEORY.--"Where _is_ Liberia?" inquired one cultured +person of another, _a propos_ of Mrs. RICKS's interview with the +QUEEN. "I'm sure _I_ don't know," was the answer, "but--judging by the +name--I should think it was _exactly opposite_ to Siberia." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WILLIAM THE WHEELMAN. + +"'I CAN ONLY EMPHASISE THE FACT THAT I CONSIDER THAT PHYSICALLY, +MORALLY, AND SOCIALLY, THE BENEFITS THAT CYCLING CONFERS ON THE MEN +OF THE PRESENT DAY ARE ALMOST UNBOUNDED.' (_Aside._) _WISH I WERE ON +A 'SAFETY'!!_"] + + * * * * * + +MINOR MISERIES. + +NO. I.--TO A LADY ON WHOSE TABLE-CLOTH HE HAD UPSET THE MUSTARD-POT. + + Dear Lady, in your dining-room + I sat, a melancholy slave. + Your smiles could hardly chase my gloom; + While others jested, I was grave. + And still you saw me sit and sit-- + "Enough of this," you said, "come, come, + Be cheerful." While I merely bit + A foolish, irresponsive thumb, + And found no comfort in the act, + And cursed myself, the clumsy Goth, + As void of fingers as of tact, + Who spilt the mustard on the cloth! + + That was the cause of all my woe-- + Good lack, I blame my thumbs in vain; + Still on the cloth's expanded snow + I seem to see that yellow stain. + And still you sit and speak me fair, + And still your Butler grimly smiles, + The while I paint in mustard there + A sketch-map of the British Isles. + I think it had repaid my guilt + Had you flashed fire like Ashtaroth, + And scorched the clumsy wretch who spilt + That flood of mustard on your cloth. + + Beef, pudding, cherry-tart, and cream, + What more could mortal man desire? + I munched them idly in a dream, + My head sang like a village choir. + I fumbled with the silver pot + From which that tawny torrent ran; + I heard you say it mattered not, + To cheer a miserable man. + So here I thank you; may I be + Extinct as is the Behemoth + Rather than spill by Fate's decree + Once more the mustard on your cloth. + + * * * * * + +THE NEXT AFRICAN MISSION. + +(_TELEGRAPHIC PRECIS OF THE NEGOCIATIONS._) + +_First Day._--Arrived safely at the Sultan's capital. Everything in +proper order. Draft Treaty in my trunk with my diplomatic uniform. +Escort in marching order. Ammunition in waggon. Quite ready to +commence negociations. Only waiting for the conjuring paraphernalia +of Herr VON KLEVERMANN to come up with us. Thought that that special +morning performance before the King and Queen of the Cannibal Islands +would delay matters. + +_Second Day._--Herr VON KLEVERMANN and his traps have arrived in +camp. Looked over the conjuring tricks. Sorry to find that one of the +best (the Inexhaustible Bottle) has been stolen by the Queen of the +Cannibal Islands. As time is an object, unable to send back to recover +it. Might have to fight for it, too, which would possibly lessen the +numbers of our escort. Experts declare that the Inexhaustible Bottle +could only be secured at the point of the bayonet. Have arranged for +a meeting with the Sultan to-morrow. + +_Third Day._--Sultan's toothache better. His Majesty having sent word +that he would be glad to see me, I, accompanied by the Interpreter, +the Commander of the Escort, and last, but certainly not least, +Herr VON KLEVERMANN, arrived at the Palace. Found that the Lord High +Chamberlain had been removed yesterday. The Lord High Executioner +was acting in his stead. In fact, this overworked official seemed +to be the solitary survivor of the Imperial Household. The Lord +High Executioner told us that His Majesty had been very irritable +yesterday. The Sultan, he said, was now in a good temper, and was +quite harmless. I found His Majesty most gracious. However, he +said that he was not quite prepared to sign a Commercial Treaty. He +offered, in lieu of signature, to give me twelve sacks of emeralds +(uncut), and the wives of six of his Field-Marshals. Explained that +no representative of England could entertain such a suggestion. The +Sultan, upon this, terminated the interview. + +_Fourth Day._--The Sultan having learned that Herr VON KLEVERMANN +was a member of my _suite_, expressed a wish for a second meeting. +I consequently attended at the Palace. Herr VON KLEVERMANN, having +produced a number of artificial-flowers, a birdcage, and a rabbit, +from an Opera-hat, His Majesty asked the price. I immediately replied, +a Treaty of Commerce. I am to sail again to-morrow. + +_Fifth Day._--Had another interview with His Majesty. The Sultan +wanted to know the terms of the proposed Treaty. I replied, free +access to the interior for British merchandise, and the abolition of +slavery. His Majesty replied, he did not mind the abolition of slavery +so much, on the understanding that the regulation did not apply to +him. Herr VON KLEVERMANN then produced his Magic hat, and brought out +from it a cup of coffee, half-a-dozen recently-washed handkerchiefs, +and a white mouse. The last item caused us to be hurriedly expelled +from the Palace. It appears that the Sultan greatly objects to mice. +The Interpreter should have informed me of this peculiarity. + +_Sixth Day._--Received a message from His Majesty to the effect that +he would be glad to see me and Herr VON KLEVERMANN again, on the +condition that nothing objectionable should be produced from the +Magic hat. Herr VON KLEVERMANN once more gave a _seance_. The eminent +entertainer extracted from the Gibus a portmanteau, a soup-tureen, and +a lady's watch. His Majesty greatly delighted. He signed the Treaty, +and possessed himself of the hat. + +_Seventh Day._--Knowing that it was as well to leave the country as +soon as possible, started early. Herr VON KLEVERMANN had expressed +his doubts whether His Majesty would be satisfied. It appears that +the Magic hat requires a good deal of preparation to be effective. The +Herr's forebodings of evil were speedily verified. The Mission had +not gone a mile before we were followed by the entire army. We made a +demonstration with the machine-gun, which had the effect of destroying +six or seven brigades of the enemy. The Sultan in person, declared +that he considered the Treaty null. Nothing to do but retire as best +we could. + +_Eighth Day._--Deeply regret failure of the Mission. However, find +that the King and Queen of the Cannibal Islands are anxious for +annexation to England. They seem impressed with the notion that +the British Government have power to cause a flow of spirits from +the Inexhaustible Bottle which, since the departure of Herr VON +KLEVERMANN, has ceased to yield alcoholic drinks. Of course, shall do +nothing in this new matter until I receive further instructions. + +_Ninth Day._--Embarked on my return home. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FANCY PORTRAIT. + +THE RIGHT MAN IN THE RIGHT PLACE--BENNETT, M.P. FOR LINCOLN.] + + * * * * * + +ADVICE TO THE G.O.M. + +(_FROM A MATHEMATICAL TORY._) + + Take forty-two, and carry eight + (Eight hours, I mean), then mind your eye; + Bring all your items up to date, + And do your best to multiply + Your sheep by next subtracting votes + From over-suffraged Tory goats. + By Registration Law perplexed, + Take "qualifying periods" next, + And at one swoop reduce with glee + Twelve months, or more, to only three. + Add labour to your motley crew, + Subtract (from life) a church or two. + Produce, with geometric skill, + The lines of many a promised bill. + But state--the Unionists to vex-- + That Home Rule always equals _x_. + Raise, in a rash, disastrous hour, + Campaigning Ireland to a power. + And thus, to prayers and protests deaf, + Bisect the Empire. _Q.E.F._ + + * * * * * + +PRETENCE VERSUS DEFENCE. + + SCENE--_Whitehall. Time--The Present. Enter Universal + Inspector-General, accompanied by Mr. Admiralty Official._ + +_Universal Inspector-General._ So you are going to have Naval +Manoeuvres after all, Mr. Admiralty Official? + +_Mr. Adm. Official._ Yes, General, we are. + +_Un. Ins.-Gen._ And are you going to do anything new this time? + +_Mr. Ad. Off._ Nothing more than the usual meaningless cruising. + +_Un. Ins.-Gen._ I read something about the landing of the wounded? + +_Mr. Ad. Off._ Ah--that _is_ new! We are going to "assume" a number +of wounded. To quote from the _Regulations_--"Before the ships leave +for the ports, officers in command of fleets and squadrons are to +communicate to each Commander-in-Chief, by telegraph, the aggregate +number of assumed wounded that may be expected to reach his port." + +_Un. Ins.-Gen._ Tell me what do we want with these pointless +Manoeuvres? Wouldn't it have answered everyone's purpose if there +had been a lecture in lieu of them at the Royal United Service +Institution? + +_Mr. Ad. Off._ I should not be surprised. + +_Un. Ins.-Gen._ Then why run into this unnecessary expense? + +_Mr. Ad. Off._ You really must ask my successor! + + [_Exeunt severally._ + + * * * * * + +THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CANVASS. + +(_A PURELY IMAGINARY SKETCH._) + +[Illustration: "_You_ know 'ow to do it!"] + + SCENE--_A Portico in Portman Square. Mr. BENJAMIN GULCHER + (an ardent Radical Artisan, canvassing the district on behalf + of a "pal" of his, who is putting up as a Labour Candidate), + discovered on the doorstep._ + +_Mr. Gulcher_ (_to himself--after knocking_). Some might think it was +on'y waste of time me callin' at a swell 'ouse o' this sort--but them +as lives in the 'ighest style is orfen the biggest demmycrats. Yer +_never_ know! Or p'raps this Sir NORMAN NASEBY ain't made his mind up +yet, and I can tork him over to _our_ way o' thinking. (_The doors +are suddenly flung open by two young men in a very plain and sombre +livery._) Two o' the _young_ 'uns, I s'pose. (_Aloud._) 'Ow _are_ yer? +Father in, d'yer know? + +_First Footman_ (_loftily_). I don't know anything about your father, +I'm sure. Better go down the airey-steps and inquire there. + +_Mr. G._ (_annoyed with himself._) It's my mistake. I didn't see yer +were on'y flunkeys at first. It's yer Guv'nor _I_ want--the ole man! + +_First Footman_ (_with cold dignity_). If you are illewding to Sir +NORMAN, he is not at home. + +_Mr. G._ (_indignantly_). 'Ow can yer tell me sech a falsehood, when +I can see him myself, a-dodgin' about down there in the passage! +(_Forces his way past the astonished men into the hall, and addresses +a stately Butler in plain clothes._) 'Ere, Sir NASEBY, I've come in to +'ave a little tork with you on the quiet like. + +_The Butler_ (_not displeased_). I don't happen to be Sir NORMAN +himself, my good man. Sir NORMAN is out. + +_Mr. G._ Out, is he? _that's_ a pity! I wanted to see him on important +business. But look 'ere--p'raps his Missus is in--_She'll_ do! (_To +himself._) I gen'ally git along with the wimmin-folk--_some_ 'ow! + +_The Butler._ I can't say if her Ladyship is at home. If you like to +send up your name, I'll inquire. + +_Mr. G._ You tell her Mr. BENJAMIN GULCHER is 'ere, if she'll step +down a minnit. She needn't _'urry_, yer know, if she's 'aving her +dinner or cleanin' herself. (_To himself, as the_ Butler _departs +noiselessly._) Civil-spoken party that--one o' the lodgers, seemin'ly. +Roomy sort o' crib this 'ere. Wonder what they pay a week for it! + +_Butler_ (_returning_). Her Ladyship will see you, if you will step +this way. + + [_Mr. G. is taken up a staircase, and ushered into + the presence of Lady NASEBY, who is seated at her + writing-table._ + +_Lady N._ (_still writing_). One moment, please. My husband is out +just now--but if you will kindly state the nature of your business +with him, I daresay I could--(_She looks up._) Good Heavens! What +could have possessed CLARKSON to show such a person as that in _here_! +(_To herself._) + +_Mr. G._ (_in his most ingratiating manner_). Well, Mum, in the +absence of his Lordship, I am sure you'll prove a 'ighly agreerble +substitoot! + +_Lady N._ (_freezingly_). May I ask you to tell me--in two words--what +it is you wish to see him about. + +_Mr. G._ _Certingly_ you may, Mum! It's like this 'ere. I want your +good Gentleman to promise me his vote and influence for Mr. JOE +QUELCH, as we're runnin' for a Labour Candidate this Election. + +_Lady N._ I really cannot answer for my husband's views on political +matters, Mr.--a--SQUELCHER; I make it a rule _never_ to interfere. + +_Mr. G._ Jest what _my_ old woman sez. I've learnt her not to argy +with _me_ on politics. But, yer see, a deal depends on the way a +thing is _done_, and--(_insinuatingly_)--a good-lookin' woman liks +yourself--(Lady N. _gasps out a faint little "Oh!" here_)--oh, I'm +on'y tellin' yer what yer know already--'ud find it easy enough to get +her better 'alf to vote _her_ way, if she chooses. You take him some +evenin'--say a Saturday, now--when he's jest 'ad enough to feel 'appy, +and coax him into giving his vote to QUELCH. _You_ know 'ow to do it! +And he's the _right_ man, mind yer, QUELCH is--the right _man_! + +_Lady N._ (_almost inaudibly_). How--how _dare_ you come into my +house, and offer me this impertinent advice! How--? + +_Mr. G._ (_good-temperedly_). Easy there, Lady--no impertinence +intended, I'm sure. I shouldn't come in 'ere, intrudin' on the sacred +privacy of the British 'Ome, which I'm quite aware an Englishman's +'Ouse is his Castle--and rightly so--if I didn't feel privileged like. +I'm _canvassing_, I am! + +_Lady N._ You are taking a most unpardonable liberty, and, if you have +the _slightest_ sense of decency-- + +_Mr. G._ (_imploringly_). Now look 'ere--don't let us 'ave a vulgar +_row_ over this! I ain't goin' to lose _my_ temper. Strike--but 'ear +me! If we don't think alike, there's no reason why you and me should +fall out. I put that to _you_. It's likely enough you don't _know_ JOE +QUELCH? + +_Lady N._ (_with temper_). I never heard of the man in my life! + +_Mr. G._ (_triumphantly_). See there, now. That's where canvassing +comes in, d'yer see? It's our honly way of combating the hignirance +and hapathy of the Upper Classes. Well, I'll tell yer somethink +_about_ 'im. QUELCH worked as a lighterman on a barge fourteen years +for eighteen bob a-week. Ain't _that_ a Man of the People for yer? And +if he gits into Parliment, he'll insist on Labour bein' served fust; +he's in favour of Shortened Hours of Labour, Taxation o' Ground +Rents, One Man one Vote, Triannual Parliments and Payment o' Members, +Compulsory Allotments, Providin' Work by Gov'ment for the Unemployed, +Abolition o' the 'Ouse o' Lords, and a Free Breakfast Table. Ah, and +he means _'aving_ it too. That's what JOE is. But look 'ere, why +not come and 'ear what he's got to say for yerself? He's 'oldin' a +small open-air meetin' in Kipper's Court this evenin', ar-past eight +percisely. You come and bring yer 'usban', and I'll guarantee you +git a good place close to the cheer. I'll interdooce yer to him +arterwards, and he'll answer any questions yer like to arsk him--fair +_and_ straight! + +_Lady N._ (_feebly_). Thank you very much; but--but we are +unfortunately dining out this evening, so I'm _afraid_-- + +_Mr. G._ (_more in sorrow than in anger_). There it _is_, yer see. Yer +afraid. Afraid o' 'earing the truth. Carn't trust yerself to listen to +both sides. But I don't despair of yer yet. See 'ere; is it 'Ome Rule +that separates us? 'Cos, if so, it needn't. QUELCH don't care no more +for 'Ome Rule than that 'ere penwiper do, between you and me! On'y, +yer see, he carn't _say_ so at present, d'yer ketch my meanin'? (Lady +N. _rings the bell in despair_.) Oh, thankee, Mum, if you _are_ +so kind, I'll take whatever yer goin' to 'ave yerself, _I_ ain't +partickler. + +[Illustration: NEW FACES IN THE HOUSE OF COMMONS. + +(_According to the Portraits that have appeared in the Illustrated +Papers._)] + +_Lady N._ (_as the Butler appears_). CLARKSON, show this--this +gentleman the way out. + +_Mr. G._ Don't you trouble, old pal, I can find it for myself. (_To_ +Lady N.) I b'lieve, if the truth was known, you're comin' round +already, Mum. I'll tell yer what I'll do. I'll leave some o' these +'ere little pamphlicks, as you might git your good man to run his eye +over. "_Why_ I am a Radikil," "The Infamy of Tory Gov'ment," "'Ow we +are Robbed!" &c. And 'ere's a picter-poster--"The 'Orrers of Coercion +under the Brutal BALFOUR!" Yer might put it up in yer front winder--it +don't _commit_ yer to nothing, yer know!--it'll amuse the kids, if +you've any family. + +_Clarkson_ (_in his ear_). Will you walk downstairs quietly, or shall +I have to pitch you? + +_Mr. G._ (_roused at last_). What, I'm to cop the push, am I? An' +what _for_, eh? What 'ave I done more than you swells ha' bin doin' +ever since the Elections started? (_To_ Lady N.) You come pokin' into +_our_ 'ouses, without waitin' to be invited, arskin' questions and +soft-sawderin', and leavin' tracks and coloured picters--and we put +up with it all. But as soon as one of _us_ tries it on, what do yer +do?--ring for the Chucker-out! Ah, and reason enough, too--yer know +yer'll get beaten on the argyments! (_Here he is gently but firmly +led out by_ CLARKSON, _and concludes his observations on the' stairs +outside._) Stuck-up, pudden'-'eaded fossils!... battenin' on the +People's brains!... your time'll come some day!... Wait till QUELCH +'ears o' this! &c., &c. + +_Lady N._ (_alone_). Thank goodness he's gone!--but _what_ an ordeal! +I really _must_ part with CLARKSON. And--whatever the Primrose +League Council may say--I shall have to tell them I _must_ give up +canvassing. I don't think I _can_ do it any more--after this! + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +"Read it!" said Everyone. "Read what?" asked the Baron. "_The +Wrecker_," answered Everyone. "I will," quoth the Baron, promptly. +And--it was done. It took some time to do, but of this more anon. +The Baron's time is fully occupied, never mind how, but fully, take +his word for it. A copy of _The Wrecker_ was at once provided by its +publishers, Messrs. CASSELL & Co., and the question for the Baron to +consider, was not "What will I do with it?" but How, when, and where, +will I read it? Clearly 'twas no ordinary book. Everybody was saying +so, and what Everybody is saying has considerable weight. A book not +to be trained through at express pace, so that the beauties of the +surrounding scenery would be lost, but something that when once +taken up cannot be put down again, like the brass knobs worked by an +electric-battery,--something giving you fits and starts, and shocks, +as do the electric brass-knobs aforesaid; something that, if you begin +it at 4 P.M., exhausts you by dinner-time, and after dinner, keeps you +awake till you read the last line at 2 A.M., and then tumble into bed +parched, fevered, exhausted, but in ecstasies of delight, feeling as +if you were the hero who had experienced all the dangers, and had come +out of them triumphantly. + +[Illustration] + +Such were the Baron's anticipations as to the joys in store for him +on reading _The Wrecker_, by Messrs. ROBERT LOUIS STEVENSON and LLOYD +OSBOURNE. The Baron hit on a plan, he must isolate himself as if he +were a telephone-wire. "Good," quoth he, "Isolation is the sincerest +flattery,--towards authors." The friend in need, not in the sense of +being out at elbows, appeared at the right moment, as did the Slave +of the Lamp to _Aladdin_. "Come to my house in the mountains," said +this Genius, heartily; "come to the wold where the foxes dwell, not +a hundred miles from a cab-stand, yet far far away,--amid lovely +scenery, in beautiful air, to quiet reposeful rooms, with the silence +of the cloister and the jollity of the Hall where beards wag all, in +the evening, when the daily task is done." "Friend REGINALD SYDE, I +thank thee," responded gratefully the Baron. "I am there!" And in less +time than it takes to go the whole distance in a four-horsed coach +with a horn blowing and the horses blown, the Baron, travelling by +special express, was there,--all there! The Authorities on the line +made no extra charge for taking _The Wrecker_ as luggage. + +The weather was favourable for reading; an interminable downpour, when +one is grateful for any book, even a _Dictionary of Dates_, or the +remains of a _Boyle's Court Guide_. The Brave Baron shut himself into +his room, laid in stores of tobacco and grog, decided, in the course +of half an hour, on a comfortable position, and then laid himself out +for the perusal, not to say the study, of _The Wrecker_. Introductory +Chapter excellent,--appetising. "_Oliver_ asks for more," murmurs +the Baron to himself, settling down to "the Yarn." Chapter I. Now a +strange thing happened. The Story broke off! suddenly--inexplicably. +Descriptions, yes, by the handful, by the cartload--all excellent, no +doubt--and much to be appreciated by a reader with nothing on earth +to do the whole year round; but, about page 53, the Baron began to be +uneasy, shifted his pillows, refilled pipe, took "modest quencher," +and then turned to grapple with _The Wrecker_. No good. Where the +deuce had the Story got to? When would the excitement come in? Where +was the sensation? Toiling on, went the Baron, stopping frequently +to wish he had a dictionary wherein he might ascertain the meaning of +strange, uncouth words and phrases, and to anathematise the Authors +separately or together. Had OSBOURNE interfered with STEVENSON, or was +STEVENSON allowing OSBOURNE to have his say, reserving himself for a +grand _coup_ at half-price? Would OSBOURNE chuck STEVENSON overboard, +or was it to be t'other way off? At page 90 the Baron decided he +would take a walk round, even if it were pouring cats and dogs, and +exclaiming, "Air, air, give me air!" he rushed forth. It was fine. +A brisk walk and a talk--just like King CHARLES "who walked and +talked"--with his genial host REGI SYDE, restored the Baron's +circulation, and made him wonder to himself at the reported great +circulation of the book. Back to his room again--into easy chair--p. +100--_Happy Thought_. This book is about ships and sea, The Baron will +be a Skipper!--and so he skips, skips, with great relief, until "A +sail in sight appears,"--spell it "sale," and there's a picture of +it--"He hails it with three cheers!" + +Now the Story, at p. 134, begins in good earnest, and, except for the +idle dilletante reader, all the foregoing, from the first Chapter, +might go by the board--that is, as far as the Baron can make out. He +speaks only for himself. The Chapter describing the sale by auction is +first-rate; no doubt about it. The Baron's spirits, just now down to +zero, rose to over 100 deg.. On we go: Throw over OSBOURNE, and come along +with Louis STEVENSON of _Treasure Island_. Bah! that exciting Chapter +was but a flash in the pan: brilliant but brief: and "Here we are!" +growls the Baron, "struggling along among a lot of puzzling lumber +in search of excitement number two, which does not seem to come until +Chapter XXIV., p. 383." Then there is a good blow out--of brains, a +scrimmaging, a banging, and a firing, and a scuffling, and a fainting, +and one marvellous effect. And then--is heard no more. The Baron harks +back, harks for'ard. No: puzzlement is his portion. Who was who, when +everybody turned out to be somebody else? Where was the Money? or more +important, Where is the Interest? "Well, that I cannot tell," quoth +he, "but 'twas a famous queer Sto-_ree_!" Perhaps the Baron, reading +against time, did not do it justice; or, perhaps he did. Anyway, +meeting a Lady-Stevensonian admirer, the Baron ventured to communicate +to her his great disappointment; whereupon she timidly whispered, +"Well, Baron, to tell you the truth, I quite agree with you. I found +it awfully tedious--except the sensations; but everybody is praising +it; so please, O please, do not betray my secret!" "Madam, a lady's +secret, even the universally-known _Lady Audley's Secret_, is +inviolable when intrusted to + +Your devoted Servant, THE BARON DE B.-W." + + * * * * * + +SUMMERUMBRELLA. + +[Illustration] + + I long for sunshine, such as there must be + In Egypt, blazing on the native Fellah; + I see no sun or sky, I only see + My own Umbrella! + + "No sun, no moon," as HOOD wrote long ago, + "No sky," no star--called, by the Romans, _stella_-- + Like negative November here below, + My own Umbrella! + + Think not of "AMARYLLIS in the shade"! + Can I play tennis in the rain with BELLA, + Holding aloft, while through the flood I wade, + My own Umbrella? + + I'm sick of sitting in the Club to scoff; + I'll take a walk. Hang me! Some English "fellah" + Has left his rotten gamp, and carried off + My own Umbrella! + + * * * * * + +[fist] NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +103, July 30, 1892, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14919.txt or 14919.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/9/1/14919/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +https://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +https://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at https://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit https://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including including checks, online payments and credit card +donations. To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. diff --git a/14919.zip b/14919.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..50112ab --- /dev/null +++ b/14919.zip diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..9795b41 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #14919 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/14919) |
