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diff --git a/old/14769.txt b/old/14769.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1853f7f --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14769.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2049 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, +April 11, 1917, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, April 11, 1917 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: January 23, 2005 [EBook #14769] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Punch, or the London Charivari, Keith +Edkins and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 152. + + + +April 11th, 1917. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +The question as to how America's army will assist the Allies has not yet +been decided, so that President WILSON will still be glad of suggestions +from our halfpenny morning papers. + + *** + +The military absentee who said he had just dined at a London restaurant, +and therefore did not mind going back to the trenches, acted rightly in not +disclosing the name of the restaurant. + + *** + +The report that M. VENEZELOS was in London has been denied by _The Daily +Mail_ and the Press Bureau. It is expected that the news will at once be +telegraphed to M. VENEZELOS. + + *** + +There is a proposal to shorten theatrical performances, and several +managers of revue, unable to determine which joke to retain, have in +desperation resolved to sacrifice both. + + *** + +Owing to travelling and other difficulties the British Association have +decided not to hold their annual meeting this year. Unofficially, the +decision is attributed to the growing prejudice against a continuance of +the more frivolous forms of entertainment. + + *** + +A soldier in Salonika has asked a friend in Surrey to send him some flower +seeds for a garden in his camp. We hear that Mr. LYNCH, M.P., is convinced +that this is merely an inspired attempt to obscure the real object of the +campaign. + + *** + +We learn with satisfaction that it is proposed to form a Ministry of +Health, for many of the Government Departments seem to be suffering from a +variety of complaints. + + *** + +In connection with a recent law case, in which a certain Mr. SHAW was +referred to as "one of the public," we hasten to point out that it did not +refer to Mr. GEORGE BERNARD SHAW, who, of course, is not in that category. + + *** + +"Peanuts," says _The Daily Chronicle,_ "do not seem to be receiving the +attention they deserve from our food experts." Several of our younger +readers who profess to be food experts declare that they are ready to +attend to all the peanuts that our contemporary cares to put in their way. + + *** + +In a duel with revolvers last week two Spanish officers wounded one +another. We have all along maintained that duels with revolvers are +becoming positively dangerous. + + *** + +A cheque for twenty-five million dollars has just been handed to M. BRON, +Danish Minister at Washington, in payment for the Danish West Indies. This, +we understand, includes cost of packing and delivery. + + *** + +[Illustration: _Master (after the event)._ "DO YOU KNOW, YOUNG MAN, THAT +THIS PAINS ME MUCH MORE THAN IT DOES YOU?" + +_The Terror._ "NO, I DIDN'T KNOW, SIR. BUT IF THAT ASSERTION GENUINELY +EXPRESSES YOUR CONSIDERED OPINION I FEEL VERY MUCH BETTER."] + + *** + +There is a serious shortage of margarine and many people have been +compelled to fall back on butter. + + *** + +A gossip writer states that one of the recent additions to the Metropolitan +Special constabulary weighs seventeen stone. It is not yet decided whether +he will take one beat or two. + + *** + +There is to be no General Election this year for fear that it might clash +with the other War. + + *** + +Another military absentee having told the Thames Police Court magistrate +that he did not know there was a War on, it is expected that the Government +will have to announce the fact. + + *** + +It is no longer the fashion to regard the British as a degenerate race. +Still it is good to know that one of our rat clubs has killed no fewer than +three hundred of these ferocious beasts. + + *** + +A contemporary suggests that we may yet institute a system of pigeon post, +and thus assist the postal services. There will be fine mornings when the +exasperated house-holder will be waiting behind the door with a shot-gun +for the bird which attempts to deliver the Income Tax papers. + + *** + +Two litigants in the Bombay High Court have settled their differences by +agreeing that the sum in dispute shall be paid into the War Fund. This is +considered to be a marked improvement on the old method of dividing it +between the lawyers in the case. + + *** + +"It is my supreme war aim," said Count VON ROON in the Prussian House of +Lords, "to keep the Throne and the Dynasty sky high." Once we have knocked +them sky high the Count can keep them in any old place he likes. + + *** + +At a recent concert at Cripplegate Institute in aid of St. Dunstan's Hostel +for Blinded Soldiers, lightning sketches of cats by Louis WAIN were sold by +auction. The sketching of these night-prowlers by lightning is, we +understand, a most exhilarating pursuit, but the opportunities for it are +comparatively rare, and most artists have to utilise the moon or the +searchlight. + + *** + +It is announced that owing to the shortage of paper the number of +propagandist pamphlets published by the German Government will be +diminished. The decision may also have been influenced by the increasing +shortage of neutrals. + + * * * * * + + "Father Waring's boat became jammed while being lowered and hung + dangerously, but the ship's surgeon cut the cackles and they descended + safely."--_The Pioneer (Allahabad)_ + +Another of our strong silent men. + + * * * * * + +SYMPOSIUM OF THE CENTRAL WEAKNESSES. + + FERDIE. + + My nerves are feeling rather bad + About the news from Petrograd. + Briefly, and speaking as a Tsar, + I think the game has gone too far. + When Liberty gets on the wing + You cannot always stop the thing. + Vices from ill examples grow, + And I might be the next to go. + + TINO. + + Yes, what has happened over there + May very well occur elsewhere. + Fortune with me may prove as fickle as + It did with poor lamented NICHOLAS. + It was a silly thing to do + To ape the airs of WILLIAM TWO; + I cannot think what I was at, + Trying to be an autocrat. + + MEHMED. + + I take a very dubious tone + About the fate of Allah's Own. + The Young Turk Party's been my bane + And caused me hours and hours of pain; + But, what would be a bitterer pill, + There may be others younger still, + Who, if the facts should get about, + Would want to rise and throw me out. + + FERDIE. + + I don't believe that WILLIAM cares + One little fig for my affairs. + He roped me in to this concern + Simply to serve his private turn; + And never shed a single tear + Over my loss of Monastir. + For tuppence, if I saw my way, + I'd join the others any day. + + TINO. + + Last year (its memory still is green) O + How WILLIAM loved his precious TINO! + He talked about our family ties + And sent me such a lot of spies. + But since his foes began to squeeze + My guns inside the Peloponnese + His interest in me has ceased; + I do not like it in the least. + + MEHMED. + + I lent him troops when things were slack, + And now the beast won't pay 'em back. + He never mentions any "line" + Of HINDENBURG'S in Palestine. + I cannot sleep; I get such frights + During these dark Arabian Nights. + But he--he doesn't care a dem. + O Allah! O Jerusalem! + O.S. + + * * * * * + +"THE ONE NEW SPRING FASHION. + + Every woman who wants the most economical new garment, should buy + to-morrow's DAILY SKETCH."--_Evening Standard._ + +It sounds cheap, but would it wear? + + * * * * * + +BLANCHE'S LETTERS. + +SOCIETY "WAR-WORKERS." + +DEAREST DAPHNE,--The scarcity of paper isn't altogether an unmixed +misfortune, as far as one's correspondence is concerned. Letters that don't +matter, letters from the insignificant and the boresome, simply aren't +answered. For small spur-of-the-moment notes to one's _intimes_ who're not +too far off, there's quite a little feeling for using _slates_. One writes +what one's to say on one's slate (which may be just as dilly a little +affair as you please, with plain or chased silver frame, enamelled monogram +or coronet, and pencil hanging by a little silver chain), and sends it by a +servant. When the note's been read, it's wiped off, the answer written, and +the slate brought back. _Isn't_ that fragrant? I may claim to have set this +fashion. Of course a very _voyant_ slate is not just-so. The +Bullyon-Boundermere woman set up one with a deep, heavily-chased gold +frame, and "B.-B." at the top set with big diamonds. _C'est bien elle!_ +She'd used it only half-a-dozen times when it was snatched from her +footwoman, who was taking it to somebody's house, and hasn't been heard of +since! + +_People Who Matter_ gave a double-page to illustrating "War-Time +Correspondence Slates of Social Leaders." _My_ slate's there, and Stella +Clackmannan's, and Beryl's and several more. A propos, have you seen the +series of "Well-known War-Workers" they've been having lately in _People +Who Matter_? They're really quite worth while. There's dear Lala +Middleshire in one of those charming "Olga" trench coats (khaki face-cloth +lined self-coloured satin and with big, lovely, gilt-and-enamelled +buttons), high brown boots, and one of those saucy little Belgian caps with +a distracting little tassel wagging in front. The pickie is called "The +Duchess of Middleshire Takes a War-Worker's Lunch," and dear Lala is shown +standing by a table, looking so _bravely_ at two cutlets, a potato, a piece +of war bread, a piece of war cheese and a small pudding. + +Then there's Hermione Shropshire, in a perfectly _haunting_ lace and +taffetas morning robe, with a clock near her (marked with a cross) pointing +to eight o'clock! (She lets her maid dress her at that hour now, so that +the girl may go and make munitions.) And Edelfleda Saxonbury is shown in an +evening gown, wearing her famous pearls. She's leaning her chin on her hand +and gazing with a sweet wistful look at an inset view of the hostel where +she's washed plates and cups quite several times. + +And last but not least there's a pickie that the journalist people have +dubbed, "Distinguished Society Women distinguish themselves as Carpenters," +_et voila_ Beryl, Babs and your Blanche, in delicious cream serge overall +things, with hammers, planes, and saws embroidered in crewels on the big +square collars and turn-up cuffs, and enormously becoming carpenter's caps, +looking at a rest-hut we've just finished. Oh, my dearest and best, you +don't know what it is to _live_ till you've learned to _carpent_! It's +positively _enthralling_! When we're skilful enough we're to go abroad-- +_mais il faut se taire_! _I_ don't see why we shouldn't go _now_. We're as +skilful as we shall ever be. And even if one or two of our huts _had_ no +doors what's that matter? Besides, a hut with no door has a tremendous +pull--there wouldn't be any draughts! + +Everyone's _furious_ at the way the powers that be have treated Sybil +Easthampton. You know what a wonderful thing her Ollyoola Love Dance is. Of +course she's lived among the Ollyoolas and knows them in all their moods. +(They're natives somewhere ever and ever so far off, where there are palms +and coral reefs, and the people don't believe in wrapping themselves up +much.) And so she's given the dance at a great many War Fund matinees. That +little Mrs. Jimmy Sharpe, daring to criticise it, said there was too much +Ollyoola and not enough dance; but everybody who _counts_ simply raves +about it. And then, when some manager person offered Sybil big terms to do +it at the "Incandescent," he was "officially informed" that, if the +Ollyoola Love Dance went into the bill the "Incandescent" would be "placed +out of bounds"! What do you, _do_ you think of that, _m'amie_? A piece of +sheer _artistry_ like the Ollyoola Love Dance to be treated so! And it's +wonderful not only artistically but scientifically. Each of dear Sybil's +amazing wriggles and squirms and crouches and springs is _absolutely_ +true--_exactly_ what an Ollyoola _does_ when it's in love. + +We're all glad to think we can _still_ see the Ollyoola Love Dance at War +Fund matinees. + +Ever thine, +BLANCHE. + + * * * * * + +THE SECRETS OF THE SALES. + +"A splendid line in corsets, in fine white coutil, usually sold at 14s. +11d., are offered sale at 17s. 11d. each."--_Fashions for All._ + + * * * * * + + "BRITISH HARRY THE ENEMY."--_Provincial Paper._ + +And all this time the Germans have been under the impression that it was +British Tommy. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ALIMENTARY INTELLIGENCE. + +MR. PUNCH. "DO YOU CONTROL FOOD HERE?" + +COMMISSIONAIRE. "WELL, SIR, 'CONTROL' IS PERHAPS RATHER A STRONG WORD. BUT +WE GIVE HINTS TO HOUSEHOLDERS, AND WE ISSUE 'GRAVE WARNINGS.'" + +(Mr. Punch, however, is glad to note that more drastic regulations are +about to be enforced.)] + + * * * * * + +THE WATCH DOGS. + +LIX. + +MY DEAR CHARLES,--Reference the German withdrawal. The matter is proceeding +in machine-like order, and one of the first great men to cross No-Man's +Land was myself in the noblest of cars. It was, I confess, a purely +temporary and fortuitous arrangement which put me in such a conveyance, but +I had the feeling that it was excellently fitted to my particular form of +greatness, and there were moments when I was so enamoured of it that I was +on the verge of getting into a hole with it and staying hid there till the +end of the War. Just the right hole was provided at every cross-roads, but +the driver wouldn't try them and went round by the fields. + +Of the flattened villages and the severed fruit-trees you will have read as +much as I have seen. It's a gruesome business, but one charred village is +much like another, and the sight is, alas, a familiar one nowadays. For me +all else was forgotten in speechless admiration of the French people. Their +self-restraint and adaptability are beyond words. These hundreds of honest +people, just relieved from the domineering of the Master Swine and restored +to their own good France again, were neither hysterical nor exhausted. They +were just their happy selves, very pleased about it all, standing in their +doorways, strolling about the market-place, watching the march of events as +one might watch a play. Every house had its tricolor bravely flying; where +they'd got them from so soon I don't know, but no Frenchman ever yet +failed, under any circumstances, to produce exactly the right thing at +exactly the right moment. There was a nice old Adjoint at the Mairie who +wasn't for doing any business at all, with the English or anyone else, +until a certain formality had been observed. He had a bottle of old brandy +in his cellar, which somehow or other had escaped the German eye these last +two years. This, said Monsieur, had first to be disposed of before any +other business could conceivably be entertained ... I gathered he had +risked much, everything possibly, in keeping this bottle two years; but +nothing on earth would induce him to retain it two minutes longer. + +Madame, the doctor's wife, approached me as a friend with a request. Would +I expedite a letter to her people, to announce her restoration to liberty? +I was at Madame's disposal. She handed me the letter. I observed that the +envelope was not closed down. Madame's look indicated that this was +intentional, and her expression indicated that this was the sort of thing +she was used to. + +There was no weeping, no extreme emotion. There was a philosophical +detachment, a very prevalent humour, and, for the rest, signs of a quiet +waiting for "The Day." There is only one day for France, the day of the +arrival of Frenchmen on German soil. When the English arrive in Germany +there will be nothing doing, except some short and precise orders that we +must salute all civilians and pay double for what we buy; but when the +French arrive in Germany ... and Heaven send we are going to help them to +get well in! + +There is a story current, turning on these events, of a young German +officer and an official correspondence. It just possibly may be true, since +even among such a rotten lot there might conceivably have been one +tolerable fellow. The Higher Command had been much intrigued as to a church +window, wanting to know (in writing) exactly why and how it had been +broken; or rather, as it was the German Higher Command, exactly why and how +it had been allowed to remain unbroken. You know how these affairs develop +in interest and excitement as the correspondence passes down and down, from +one formation to another, and what an air of urgency and bitterness they +wear when they reach the last man. In this case the young German subaltern, +who had no one else below him on whom to put the burden of explaining in +writing, took advantage of his position, and wrote upon a slip, which he +attached to the top of the others: "To Officer Commanding British Troops. +Passed to you, please, as this town is now in your area...." + +Probably the tale isn't true, for if the officer was a German he must have +had German blood in him, and if he had German blood in him there couldn't +be room for anything else, certainly not for a sense of humour. + +We stayed longer than we should have done; this was an occasion upon which +one could not insist on the limit of ten handshakes per person. I was +delayed also by the Institutrice, who wanted to borrow my uniform, so that +she might put it on and so be in a position to start right off at once, +paying back. She meant it too, and I should not be surprised to hear that +she's been caught doing it by this time. Her mother was there in great +form. Asked for her opinion of the dear departed, she said she had already +told it to themselves and saw no reason to alter it. "They make war only on +women and children; they are _laches_." My N.C.O. got out his +pocket-dictionary to discover the exact meaning of the word. She told us he +needn't trouble; it meant two months' imprisonment. She had a face like a +russet apple--a very nice russet apple, too. + +We didn't get away before dark, and we found it very hard to discover our +way about new country when large hunks of it were missing altogether. One +of the party would walk on to find the way, and later I would go forth to +find him. We could see the road stretching away in front of us for +kilometres; but between us and it there would be twenty yards of nil. + +However, the car eventually learnt to stand on its back wheels, climb +hedges and make its way home across country, having confirmed its general +opinion of the Bosch, that he is only good at one thing, and that is +destroying other people's property. I am now back in comfort again, and +able to remember your suffering. I send herewith a slice of bully beef +(one) and potatoes (two), hoping that they will not be torpedoed, and +urging you to hang on, for we are now beginning to think of moving towards +Germany, if only to see, when we get there, exactly what the Frenchman has +been evolving in his mind all this time. + +Yours ever, +HENRY. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "WELL, SO YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE THE VOTE AT LAST." + +"OH, ONLY WOMEN OVER THIRTY, YOU KNOW."] + + * * * * * + + "General Ludendorff has received the Red Eagle of the First Class."-- + _Central News_. + +An appropriate reward for his rapid flight. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Customer_. "LOOK OUT! YOU'RE CONFOUNDEDLY CLUMSY!" + +_New Assistant_. "WELL, YOU CAN'T BE PARTICKLER WHAT YOU DO NOWADAYS. I +NEVER WAS A BARBER AFORE, AND I 'ATE AND DESPISE THE JOB--SEE?"] + + * * * * * + +COMRADES. + + In every home in England you will find their wistful faces, + Where, weary of adventure, lying lonely by the fire, + Untempted by the sunlight and the call of open spaces, + They are listening, listening, listening for the step of their desire. + + And, watching, we remember all the tried and never failing, + The good ones and the game ones that have run the years at heel; + Old Scamp that killed the badger single-handed by the railing, + And Fan, the champion ratter, with her fifty off the reel. + + The bitches under Ranksboro' with hackles up for slaughter, + The otter hounds on Irfon as they part the alder bowers, + The tufters drawing to their stag above the Horner Water, + The setters on Ben Lomond when the purple heather flowers. + + The collie climbing Cheviot to head his hill sheep stringing, + The Dandie digging to his fox among the Lakeside scars, + The Clumber in the marshes when the evening flight is winging + And the wild geese coming over through the rose light and the stars. + + And my heart goes out in pity to each faithful one that's fretting + Day by day in cot or castle with his dim eyes on the door. + In his dreams he hunts with sorrow. And for us there's no forgetting + That he helped our love of England and he hardened us for war. + W.H.O. + + * * * * * + +_AUTRE TEMPS--AUTRES MOEURS._ + + When MOSES fought with AMALEK in days of long ago, + And slew him for the glory of the Lord, + 'Is longest range artill'ry was an arrow and a bow, + And 'is small arms was a barrel-lid and sword; + But to-day 'e would 'ave done 'em in with gas, + Or blowed 'em up with just a mine or so, + Then broken up their ranks by advancing with 'is tanks, + And started 'ome to draw his D.S.O. + + When ST. GEORGE 'e went a-ridin' all naked through the lands-- + You can see 'im on the back of 'arf-a-quid-- + 'E spiked the fiery dragon with a spear in both 'is 'ands, + But to-day, if 'e 'd to do what then he did, + 'E 'd roll up easy in an armoured car, + 'E 'd loose off a little Lewis gun, + Then 'e 'd 'oist the scaly dragon upon a G.S. wagon + And cart 'im 'ome to show the job was done. + + Then there weren't no airyplanes and there weren't no bombs and guns; + You just biffed the opposition on the 'ead. + If the world could take all weapons from the British and the 'Uns, + Could scrap the steel, the copper and the lead; + If we fought it out with pick-'andles and fists, + If the good old times would only come agin, + When there weren't no dirty trenches with their rats and lice and + stenches, + Why, a month 'ud see us whoopin' through Berlin! + + * * * * * + +SPOOP. + +A REPERTORY DRAMA IN ONE ACT. + + ["A repertory play is one that is unlikely to be repeated."--_Old + Saying_.] + +CHARACTERS. + + _John Bullyum, J.P._ (Member of the Town Council of Mudslush). + _Mrs. Bullyum_ (his wife). + _Janet_ (their daughter). + _David_ (their son). + + SCENE.--_The living-room of a smallish house in the dullest street of a + provincial suburb._ [_N.B.--This merely means that practically any + scenery will do, provided the wall-paper is sufficiently hideous. + Furnish with the scourings of the property-room--a great convenience + for Sunday evening productions._] _The room contains rather less than + the usual allowance of doors and windows, thus demonstrating a fine + contempt for stage traditions. An electric-light, disguised within a + mid-Victorian gas-globe, occupies a conspicuous position on one wall. + You will see why presently. When the curtain rises_ Janet, _an awkward + girl of any age over thirty_ (_and made up to look it_) _is seated + before the fire knitting. Her mother, also knitting, faces her. The + appearance of the elder woman contains a very careful suggestion of the + nearest this kind of play ever gets to low-comedy._ + +_Janet_ (_glancing at clock on mantelpiece_). It's close on nine. David is +late again. + +_Mrs. B._ He's aye late these nights. 'Tis the lectures at the Institute +that keeps him. + + [_N.B.--Naturally both women speak with a pronounced accent, South + Lancashire if possible. Failing that, anything sufficiently unlike + ordinary English will serve._ + +_Janet_. He's that anxious to get on, is David. + +_Mrs. B._ Ay, he's fair set on being a town councillor one day, like thy +feyther. + +_Janet_ (_quietly_). That 'ud be fine. + +_Mrs. B._ You'd a rare long meeting at the women's guild to-night. + +_Janet_ (_without emotion_). Ay. They've elected me to go to Manchester on +the deputation. + +_Mrs. B._ You'll like that. + +_Janet_ (_suppressing a secret pride so that it is wholly imperceptible by +the audience_). It'll be well enough. I'm to go first-class. (_A pause._) +Young Mr. Inkslinger is going too. + +_Mrs. B._ (_with interest_). Can they spare him from the boot-shop? + +_Janet_. He's left them. He's writing a play. + +_Mrs. B._ (_concerned_). Dear, dear! And he used to be such a steady young +fellow. + + [_All that matters in their conversation is now finished, but as the + play has got to be filled up they continue to talk for some ten minutes + longer. At the end of that time_-- + +_Janet_ (_glancing at clock again_). It's half-past nine, and neither of +they men back yet. + + [_Which means that, while the attention of the audience was diverted, + the stage-manager must have twiddled the clock-hands round from behind. + This is called realism._ + +_Mrs. B._ Listen! Yer feyther's comin' now. + + [_A door in the far distance is heard to bang. At the same instant_ + John Bullyum _enters quickly. He is the typical British parent of + repertory; that is to say, he has iron-grey hair, a chin beard, a + lie-down collar, and the rest of his appearance is a cross between a + gamekeeper and an undertaker._ + +_Bullyum_ (_He is evidently in a state of some excitement; speaks +scornfully_). Well, here's a fine thing happened. + +_Mrs. B._ What is it, feyther? + +_Bully_, (_showing letter_). That young puppy, Inkslinger, had the +impudence to write me asking for our Janet. But I've told him off to +rights. He's nobbut a boot-builder. + +_Janet_ (_in a level voice_). Ye're wrong there, feyther. Bob Inkslinger's +a dramatist now. + +_Bully_, (_thunderstruck_). What? + +_Janet_ (_as before_). He's had a play taken by the Sad Sundays Society. + +_Bully_. Great Powers, a repertory dramatist! And I've insulted him!--me, a +town councillor. (_He has grown white to the lips; this is not easy, but +can be managed._) There'll be a play about me--about us, this house-- +everything. But (_passionately_) I'll thwart him yet. Janet, my girl, do +thee write at once and say that I withdraw my opposition to the engagement. + +_Janet_ (_dully_). But I don't want the man. + +_Bully_, (_hectoring_). Am I your feyther or am I not? I tell you you shall +marry him. And what's more, he shan't find us what he looks for. No, no +(_with rising agitation_), he thinks that because I'm a town councillor I'm +to be made game of, does he? Well, I'll learn him different! (_Glaring +round_) This room--it's got to be changed. And you (_to_ Janet) put on a +short frock, something lively and up-to-date--d' ye hear? At once! + +_Mrs. B._ (_as_ Janet _only stares without moving_). Well, I never. + +_Bully_. And let's have some books about the place--BERNARD SHAW-- + +_Janet_ (_icily_). He's a back number now, feyther. + +_Bully_. Well, whoever's the latest. Then you must go to plays and dances, +lots of dances. (_Struck with an idea_) Where's David? + + [_As he speaks_ David _enters, a tall ungainly youth with spectacles + and a projecting brow._ + +_David_. Here I yam, feyther. + +_Bully_. It's close on ten. (_Hopefully_) Have ye been at a night-club? + +_David_. I were kept late at evenin' class. + +_Bully_. Brr! (_In an ecstasy of fury_) See ye belong to a night-club +before the week's out. (_He does his glare again._) I'll establish +frivolity and a spirit of modernism in this household, if I have to take +the stick to every member of it. + +_Janet_ (_springing up suddenly_). Feyther! (_A pause; she collects herself +for her big effort._) Feyther, I'm one o' they dour silent girls to whom +expression comes hardly, but (_with veiled menace_) when it does come it +means fifteen minutes' unrelieved monologue. So tak' heed. We're not +wanting these changes, and to be up-to-date, and all that. I'm happy as I +am, and so's David. He has his hope of the council, and the bribes and them +things. And I've my guild and my friends, with their odd clothes and +variable accents. That's the life I want, and I won't change it. I won't-- + + [_Quite suddenly she breaks from them and rushes out of the room, + slamming the door after her. The others remain silent, apparently from + emotion, but really to see if there will be any applause. When this is + settled in the negative old_ Bullyum _speaks again._ + +_Bully_, (_slowly and as if with an immense effort_). Why couldn't she +wait?... She might have known we wouldn't decide anything--that we never do +decide anything--because it would be too much like a rounded climax. Well +(_rousing himself_), let's put out the gas. [_He moves heavily towards the +conspicuous bracket._ + +_David_ (_protesting)_. But, feyther, 'tisn't near time for bed yet. + +_Bully_, (_grimly_). Maybe; but 'tis more than time play was finished. And +this is how. + + [_He turns the tap. A few moments later the light is switched off with + a faintly audible click, and upon a stage in total darkness the curtain + falls._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Officer_ (_anxious to pass his recruit who is not shooting +well_). "DO YOU SMOKE MUCH?" + +_Recruit._ "ABOUT A PACKET OF WOODBINES A DAY, SIR." + +_Officer._ "DO YOU INHALE?" _Recruit._ "NOT MORE THAN A PINT A DAY, +SIR."] + + * * * * * + +THE WOBBLER. + +My friend, whom for the purpose of concealing his identity I will call +Wiggles, opened fire upon me on March 1st (coming in like a lion) with +this: + +"DEAR WILLIAM,--I have not been well and my doctor thinks it might do me +good to come to Cornwall for a few weeks. May I invite myself to stay with +you?..." + +I accepted his invitation, if I may put it so, and on March 6th received +the following:-- + +"DEAR WILLIAM,--I am not, as I think I said, at all well, and my doctor +considers I had better break the journey at Plymouth, as it is a long way +from Malvern to Cornwall. Would you recommend me some hotels to choose +from? I hope to start by the middle of the month ..." + +I recommended hotels, and on the 12th heard from him again:-- + +"DEAR WILLIAM,--I am very obliged to you. In this severe weather my doctor +says that I cannot be too careful, and I doubt if I shall be able to start +for ten days or so. Has your house a south aspect, and is it far from the +sea? I require air but not wind. And could you tell me ..." + +I told him all right, though as a guest I began to think him a little +_exigeant_. But he was unwell. + +On the 17th he answered me:-- + +"DEAR WILLIAM,--I understand you live _quite_ in the country. Would you +tell me whether a doctor lives near to you and whether you have a chemist +within reasonable distance? My doctor, who really understands my case, +won't hear of my starting until the wind changes: but I hope ..." + +I drew a map showing my house, the nearest chemist's shop, the doctor's +surgery and a few other points of interest, such as Land's End and the +Lizard. This I sent to him, and on the 22nd he replied:-- + +"DEAR WILLIAM,--I acknowledge your map with many thanks. There is one more +thing. My doctor insists on a very special diet. Can your cook make +porridge? I rely very largely on porridge for breakfast and ..." + +I saw myself smiling at Lord DEVONPORT and wired back, "Have you ever known +a cook who couldn't make porridge?" + +And on the 27th he issued his ultimatum:-- + +"DEAR WILLIAM,--I have consulted my doctor and he thinks I ought not to +tempt Providence by travelling at present, so I have decided to remain in +Malvern. I do hope ..." + +To this I replied:-- + +"DEAR WIGGLES,--Holding as you do the old pagan view of Providence, you are +quite right not to tempt it. The loss is mine. I hope you will soon be +rather less unwell." + +Then I went away for three days without leaving an address, and when I +returned it was to learn that Wiggles had arrived on the previous evening. +And in my study I found him, together with four wires (two to say he wasn't +coming and two to say he was) and a table loaded with prescriptions. + +He eats enormously. + + * * * * * + +INKOMANIA. + +(_Suggested by Mr. SIMONIS' recently published volume._) + + O Street of Ink, O Street of Ink, + Where printers and machinsts swink + Amid the buzz and hum and clink; + By night one cannot sleep a wink, + There is no time to stop or think, + One half forgets to eat or drink, + One's brains are knotted in a kink, + One always lives upon the brink + Of "happenings" that strike one pink. + One day the dollars gaily chink, + The next your funds to zero shrink. + And yet I'm such a perfect ninc- + Ompoop I cannot break the link + That binds me to the Street of Ink. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Tommy_ (_to Officer who has only arrived in the trench by +accident_). "IF YOU'RE A-LOOKIN' FOR THE BURIED CABLE, SIR, IT'S FURTHER +ALONG."] + + * * * * * + +CHILDREN'S TALES FOR GROWN-UPS. + +VI. + +THE CAT AND THE KING. + +The cat looked at the King. + +She was the boldest cat in the world, but her heart stood still as she +vindicated the immemorial right of her race. + +What would the King say? What would the King do? + +Would he call her up to sit on his royal shoulder? If so, she would purr +her loudest to drown the beating of her heart, and she would rub her head +against the royal ear. How splendid to be a royal cat! + +Or perhaps he would appoint her Mouser to the King's Household, and she +would keep the King's peace with tooth and claw. + +Or perhaps she would become playmate to the Royal children, and live on +cream and sleep all day on a silken cushion. + +Or--and this is where her heart ceased to beat--perhaps she would pay the +price of her temerity and the Hereditary Executioner would smite off her +head. + +She had put it boldly to the test, to sink or swim. What would the King do? + +The King rose slowly from his throne and passed out to his own apartments, +whilst all the Court bowed. + +The King had not noticed the cat. + + * * * * * + +THE RULING PASSION. + + "A Russian official accredited to this country, in an interview with a + representative of the Morning Post yesterday, said:--Potatoes."-- + _Evening Times and Echo_ (_Bristol_). + + * * * * * + + "I could well enter into the feelings of this lad's colonel when, with + a lint in his eye, he descrihimbed as 'a riceless youngster.'"--_Civil + and Military Gazette_. + +We fear that the insertion of the bandage in the colonel's eye must have +prevented him from forming a true appreciation of the young fellow. + + * * * * * + +Headline to a leading article in _The Evening News_:-- + + "WATCH ITALY AND RUSSIA." + +Extract from same:-- + + "We ought to keep our eyes fixed on the Western front." + +Correspondents should address their inquiries to Carmelite, Squinting House +Square. + + * * * * * + +HERBS OF GRACE. + +VI. + +ROSEMARY. + + Whenas on summer days I see + That sacred herb, the Rosemary, + The which, since once Our Lady threw + Upon its flow'rs her robe of blue, + Has never shown them white again, + But still in blue doth dress them-- + _Then, oh, then_ + _I think upon old friends and bless them._ + + And when beside my winter fire + I feel its fragrant leaves suspire, + Hung from my hearth-beam on a hook, + Or laid within a quiet book + There to awake dear ghosts of men + When pages ope that press them-- + _Then, oh, then_ + _I think upon old friends and bless them._ + + The gentle Rosemary, I wis, + Is Friendship's herb and Memory's. + Ah, ye whom this small herb of grace + Brings back, yet brings not face to face, + Yea, all who read these lines I pen, + Would ye for truth confess them? + _Then, oh, then_ + _Think upon old friends and bless them._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: VICTORY FIRST. + +GERMAN SOCIALIST. "I HOLD OUT MY HANDS TO YOU, COMRADE!" + +RUSSIAN REVOLUTIONARY. "HOLD THEM _UP_, AND THEN I MAY TALK TO YOU."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE UNITED STATES OF GREAT BRITAIN AND AMERICA. + +_John Bull_ (_to President Wilson_). "BRAVO, SIR! DELIGHTED TO HAVE YOU ON +OUR SIDE."] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, April 2nd_.--The MINISTER OF MUNITIONS informed the House that, +owing to the demand for explosives, there is a shortage of acid for +artificial fertilisers. It is rumoured that Mr. SNOWDEN, Mr. OUTHWAITE and +Mr. PRINGLE, feeling that it is up to them to do something useful for their +country, have placed at Dr. ADDISON'S disposal a selection from the +speeches delivered by them during the War, containing an abundant supply of +the necessary commodity. + +Mr. JOSEPH MARTIN has all the migratory instincts of his well-known family, +and flits from East St. Pancras to British Columbia and back again with +engaging irregularity. On his rare visits to Westminster he is always ready +to impart in a somewhat strident voice (another family characteristic) the +political wisdom that he has garnered from the New World and the Old. But +somehow the House fails to take him at his own valuation, and when he tried +to belittle the Imperial Conference, on the ground that the Dominion +Premier and his colleagues would be much better employed at home, I think +there was a general feeling that the physician would be none the worse for +a dose of his own prescription. + +Cheers greeted little Mr. STEPHEN WALSH as he stepped to the Table to give +his first answer as Parliamentary Secretary to the Ministry of National +Service. There were more cheers (in which, had etiquette permitted, the +Press Gallery would have liked to join) when it was found that the new +Minister needed no megaphone, every word being audible all over the House. +And when finally he gave Mr. PRINGLE a much-needed corrective, by telling +him that if he wanted further information he must put a Question down, the +House cheered again. So far as a single incident enables one to judge, +another representative of Labour has "made good." + +Viscount VALENTIA has gone to the Lords, and the Commons will henceforth +miss the elegant and well-groomed figure which lent distinction to a +Treasury Bench not in these days too careful of the Graces. Happily Oxford +City has found another distinguished man to succeed him. Mr. J.A.R. +MARRIOTT may indeed be said to have obtained a Parliamentary reputation +even before, strictly speaking, he was a Member. Usually the taking of the +oath is a private affair between the neophyte and the Clerk, and the House +hears nothing more than a confused murmur before the ceremony is concluded +by the new Member kissing the Book or--more often in these days--adopting +the Scottish fashion of holding up the right hand. Oxford's elect would +have none of this. Like the Highland chieftain, "she just stude in the +middle of ta fluir and swoor at lairge." Not since Mr. BRADLAUGH insisted +upon administering the oath to himself has the House been so much stirred; +even Members loitering in the Lobby could almost have heard the ringing +tones in which Mr. MARRIOTT proclaimed his allegiance to our Sovereign +Lord, KING GEORGE THE FIFTH. + +_Tuesday, April 3rd_.--Mr. KING really displays a good deal of ingenuity in +his endeavours to get men out of the Army. His latest notion is that all +Commanding Officers at home should be ordered to give leave to those men +who have gardens so that they may return to cultivate them. There would, no +doubt, be a remarkable development of horticultural enthusiasm among our +home forces if the War Office were to smile upon the idea; but, though +fully alive to the value of food-production, the UNDER-SECRETARY was unable +to assent to this wide extension of "agricultural furlough." + +A request by the Press Bureau that newspapers would submit for its approval +any articles dealing with disputes in the coal-trade gave umbrage to +several Members, who saw in it an attempt by the Government to fetter +public criticism. Mr. BRACE mildly explained that the object was only to +prevent the appearance of inaccurate statements likely to cause friction in +an inflammable trade. When Mr. KING still protested, Mr. BRACE again showed +that his velvet paw conceals a very serviceable weapon. "Surely the +Honourable Member does not believe that inaccurate statements can ever be +helpful." Then there was silence. + +Mr. BONAR LAW stoutly denied that the National Service scheme was a +failure, but admitted that the Cabinet was looking into it with a view to +its improvement. Up to the present some 220,000 men have volunteered, but +as about half of these are already engaged on work of national importance +Mr. NEVILLE CHAMBERLAIN is still a long way short of his hoped-for +half-a-million ready, like the British Army, to go anywhere and do +anything. + +A telegram from the British Ambassador at Washington, stating that +President WILSON'S War-speech had been very well received, and that +Congress was expected to take his advice, gave great satisfaction. As the +MINISTER FOR AGRICULTURE observed, "The outlook for early potatoes may be +doubtful, but our SPRING-RICE promises excellently." + +Mr. PROTHERO has made up his alleged differences with the SECRETARY OF +STATE FOR WAR, and signalized the treaty of peace first by snuggling up to +Mr. MACPHERSON on the Treasury Bench, and next by handsomely supporting the +new Military Service Bill. In return the UNDER-SECRETARY FOR WAR introduced +a much-needed amendment by which men wholly engaged on food-production may +be exempted by the Board of Agriculture from the process of "re-combing" +now to be applied to the rest of the population. + +_Wednesday, April 4th._--Mr. SNOWDEN disapproves of the selection of the +two Labour Members who are to form part of a deputation about to proceed to +Petrograd to convey to the Russian Government the congratulations of the +British people. Possibly the neckties of the proposed envoys are not of a +sufficiently sanguinary shade, or their brows are not lofty enough to +proclaim them true "leaders of thought." The suggestion that the Member for +Blackburn should himself be despatched to Petrograd (without a return +ticket) has been regretfully abandoned. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Jock (in captured trench)_. "COOM AWA' UP HERE, DONAL'; +IT'S DRIER."] + + * * * * * + +PREPARED FOR THE WORST. + +Extract from a Canadian lease-form:-- + + "Will during the said term keep and at its expiration leave the + premises in good repair (reasonable wear and tear and accidents by fire + or tempest expected)." + + * * * * * + + "Gentleman single letterarian sportsman 5 linguages tennant pretty + little cottage charmingly situated between Montreux Vevey, complete + sanitary accommodations vicinity boat, seabaths, golf-grounds + excursions receives + PAYING GUEST + moderate terms, Prussians and Austro-Germans, alcoholists undesired."-- + _Swiss Paper._ + +We do not quite know what a single letterarian is, but he seems to be a +person of discriminating taste. + + * * * * * + +"AVIARIES, POULTRY AND PETS. + + Lady ----'s Teeth Society, Ltd.--Gas 2s., teeth at hospital prices, + weekly if desired."--_Daily Paper_. + +We are not told under which category Lady ----'s dentures come, but venture +to point out that in these days no one should make a pet of them. + + * * * * * + +MAXIMS OF THE MONTHS. + +(_Composed during the recent Spring snowstorm._) + + From January's start to close + It rains or hails or sleets or snows. + + For atmospherical vagaries + The palm perhaps is February's. + + To say March exits like a lamb + Is Falsehood's very grandest slam. + + April may smile in Patagonia, + But here it always breeds pneumonia. + + May, alternating sun and blizzard, + Plays havoc with the stoutest gizzard. + + No part of England is immune + From frost and thunder-storms in June. + + Only the suicide lays by + His thickest hose throughout July. + + August, in spite of dog-days' heat, + For floods is very hard to beat. + + The equinoctial gales, remember, + Are at their worst in mid-September. + + Old folk, however hale and sober, + Die very freely in October. + + November with its clammy fogs + The bronchial region chokes and clogs. + + December, with its dearth of sun, + For sheer discomfort takes the bun. + + * * * * * + +THE ITALIAN IN ENGLAND. + +In the course of a recent search for Italian conversation manuals I came +upon one which put so strangely novel a complexion on our own tongue that, +though it was not quite what I was seeking, I bought it. To see ourselves +as others see us may be a difficult operation, but to hear ourselves as +others hear us is by this little book made quite easy. Everyone knows the +old story of the Italian who entered an East-bound omnibus in the Strand +and asked to be put down at Kay-ahp-see-day. Well, this book should prevent +him from doing it again. + +But its great attraction is the courageous personality of the protagonist +as revealed by his various remarks. For example, most of us who are not +linguists confine our conversations in foreign places to the necessities +of life, rarely leaving the beaten track of bread and butter, knives and +forks, the times of trains, cab fares, the way to the station, the way to +the post-office, hotel prices and washing lists. And even then we disdain +or flee from syntax. But this conversationalist embroiders and dilates. +He is intrepid. He has no reluctances. Where we in Italy would, at the +most, say to the _cameriere_, "_Portaci una tazza di caffe_," and think +ourselves lucky to get it, he lures the London waiter to invite a +disquistion on the precious berry. Thus, he begins: "Coffi is rI-marchebl +for iZ verE stim-iuletin propeRtE. Du ju no hau it uos discovvaRd?" The +waiter very promptly and properly saying, "No, Sor," the Italian unloads +as follows: "Uel, ai uil tel ju thet iZ discovvare is sed tu hev bin +ochesciont bai thi folloin sorcomstanZ. Som gotS, hu brauS-t op-on thi +plent from huicc thi coffi sids aR gathaRd, ueaR observ-D bai thi +gothaRds tu bi echsidinglE uechful, end ofn tu chepaR ebaut in thi nait; +thi praioR Ov e nebArin monnastErE, uiscin tu chip his monchs euech et +theaR mat-tins, traid if thi coffi ud prodiuS thi sem effecht op-on them, +es it uos observ-D tu du op-on thi gotS; thi soch-ses ov his echsperiment +led tu thi appresciescion ov iZ valliu." + +A little later a London bookseller has the temerity to place some of the +latest fiction before our chatty alien, but pays dearly for his rash act. +In these words did the Italian let him have it:--"Ai du not laich nov-els +et ol, bico-S e nov-el is bat e fichtiscios tel stof-T ov so menE +fantastical dids end nonsensical worDs, huicc opset maind end haRt. +An-heppe tho-S an-uerE jongh persons, hu spend theaR pre-scios taim in +ridin nov-els! The du not no thet nov-ellists, gennerallE spichin, aR thi +laitest end thi most huim-sical raittaRs, hu hev uested end uest theaR +laif in liudnes." + +English people abroad do not, as a rule, drop aphorisms by the way; but +our Italian loves to do so. Thus, to one stranger (in the section devoted +to Virtues and Vices), he remarks, "Uith-aut Riligion ui sciud bi uorS +then bists." To another, "Thi igotist spichs continniuallE ov himself end +mechs himself thi sentaR ov evverE thingh." And to a third, a little +tactlessly perhaps, "Impolait-nes is disgostin." He is sententious even +to his hatter: "E het sciud bi proporscionD tu thi hed end person, for it +is laf-ebl tu si e laRgg het op-on e smol hed, end e smol het op-on e +laRgg hed." But sometimes he goes all astray. He is, for instance, +desperately ill-informed as to English law. In England, he tells us, and +believes the pathetic fallacy, "thi trens start end arraiv verE +pongh-ciuAllE, othaR-uais passen-giaRs hu arraiv-let for theaR bis-nes +cud siu thi CompAnE for dem-egg-S." + +He is calm and collected in an emergency. Thus, to a lady who has burst +into flames, "Bi not efred, Madam," he says, "thi faiR hes cot jur gaun. +Le daun op-on thi floR, end ju uil put aut thi faiR uith jur hendS." His +presence of mind saves him from using his own hands for the purpose. +Resourcefulness is indeed as natural to him as to Sir CHRISTOPHER WREN in +the famous poem. "Uilliam," he says to his man, "if enEbodE asch-s for +mi, ju uil se thet ai scel bi bech in e fort-nait." + +He meets Miss Butterfield. + +"Mis BottaRfild," he says, "uil ju ghiv mi e glas ov uotaR, if ju pliS?" +And that is the end of the lady. Or I think so. But there is just a +possibility that it is she (no longer Miss Butterfield, but now a +Signora) whom he rebukes in a coffee-house: "Mai diaR, du not spich ov +pollitichs in e Coffi-Haus, for no travvEllaR, if priudent, evvaR tochs +ebaut pollitichs in poblich." And again it may be for Miss Butterfield +that he orders a charming present (first saying it is for a lady): "Ghiv +mi thet ripittaR set uith rubes, thet straich-S thi aurS end thi +haf-aurS." + +Finally he embarks for Australia and quickly becomes as human as the rest +of us. "Thi uind," he murmurs uneasily, "is raisin. Thi si is verE rof. +Thi mo-scion ov thi Stim-bot mech-S mi an-uel. Ai fil verE sich. Mai hed +is diZZE. Ai hev got e hed-ech." But he assures a fellow- passenger that +there is no cause for fear, even if a storm should come on. "Du not bi +alaRmD," he says; "theaR is no dengg-aR. Thi Chep-ten ov this Stima-R is +e verE clevaR men." + +His last words, addressed apparently to the rest of the passengers as +they reach Adelaide, are these: "Let os mech hest end go tu thi +Costom-HauS tu hev aur logh-eggS ech-samint. In OstrelIa, thi Costom-HauS +OffIsaRs aR not hottE, bat verE polait." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "I AIN'T ENOUGH PAPER TO WROP HIM UP, MISTER; BUT NO ONE'LL +NOTICE A NOOD WURZEL IN WAR-TIME."] + + * * * * * + +EMERGENCY RATIONS. + +In our village many disruptions have been wrought by the War, but nothing +has ever approached the state of turveydom which came in with the system of +daily rations. + +Margery brought home the first news of the revolution. + +"Most extraordinary thing," she said. "The Joneses have got the two old +Miss Singleweeds staying with them." + +"What!" I exclaimed, swallowing my ration of mammalia in one astonished +gulp. "Why, only two or three days ago Jones told me very privately that +the Singleweeds were two of the most interfering, bigoted, cabbage-eating +old cats that he had ever come across." + +"Cabbage-eating!" repeated Margery thoughtfully. "How stupid we are. That's +it, of course." + +"What's it?" + +"Why, cabbage-eating. The Singleweeds haven't touched meat since I don't +know when, so for a consideration of brussels-sprouts and a few digestive +biscuits the Joneses will have five pounds of genuine beef to play with." + +"Hogs!" I said. + +The hospitable influence of the new scheme of rationing spread very +rapidly. A few days later we heard that Sir Meesly Goormay, the most +self-indulgent and incorrigible egotist in the neighbourhood, had +introduced a collection of octogenarian aunts to his household, and, when I +was performing my afternoon beat, I was just in time to see the butcher's +boy, assisted by the gardener, delivering what looked to be a baron of beef +at Sir Meesly's back door. It was an enervating and disgusting spectacle, +well calculated to upset the _moral_ of the steadiest special in the local +force. + +That night at dinner I had a Machiavellian thought. + +"Look here," I said, stabbing at a plate of _petit pois_ (1911) and +mis-cueing badly, "what about having Uncle Tom to stay for a few weeks?" + +"Last time he came," replied Margery, "you said that nothing would induce +you to ask him again. You haven't forgotten his chronic dyspepsia, have +you?" + +"Of course not," I retorted, looking a little pained at such flagrant +gaucherie; "but you can't cast off a respectable blood relation because he +happens to live on charcoal and hot water." + +I delivered an irritable attack on a lentil pudding. + +"Right-O," agreed Marjory. "And I'll ask Joan as well. She won't be able to +come until Friday, because she's having some teeth extracted on Thursday." + +After all Marjory is not altogether without perception. + +Dinner over I wrote, in my best style, a short spontaneous invitation to +Uncle Tom. Margery wrote a more discursive one to Joan. + +"I think we ought to celebrate this," I suggested. "Let's be extravagant." + +"All right," said Margery. "What shall it be, champagne or potatoes?" + +Two days later I received the following:-- + +"MY DEAR JAMES,--Thank you very much for your invitation, which I am very +pleased to accept. The country, after all, is the proper place for old +fogeys like myself, as it is very difficult for them to live up to the +present-day bustle of a large city. For the last six months I have been +doing odd jobs at a munition factory, which, I must admit, has benefited my +health in an extraordinary manner, so much so that I have entirely lost the +troublesome dyspepsia I suffered from, and now, you will be glad to hear, I +am able to eat like a hunter, as we used to say. Hoping to find you all +flourishing on Thursday next, about lunch-time, + +"Your affectionate +UNCLE TOM." + +Instinctively I took my belt in a hole. Then Margery silently placed this +in front of me:-- + +"DARLING MARGERY,--How perfectly sweet of you! I shall simply love it. I am +feeling especially beany as I have just finished with the dentist--usually +a hateful person--who found out, after all, that it was not necessary to +take out any of my teeth. I adore him. No time for more. Heaps to tell you +on Friday, + +"Your loving +J.J." + +"Hullo! Where are you off to?" I asked, as Margery made for the door. + +"Off to? Why, to put our names down on the Singleweeds' waiting list." + +I took my belt up another hole and, whistling _The Bing Boys_ out of sheer +desperate bravado, made my gloomy way to the potato patch. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Plough Girl_. "MABEL, DO GO AND ASK THE FARMER IF WE CAN +HAVE A SMALLER HORSE. THIS ONE'S TOO TALL FOR THE SHAFTS."] + + * * * * * + +A MASTER OF THE QUILL. + + "Of Swinburne's personal characteristics Mr. Goose, as was to be + expected, writes admirably."--_Daily News and Leader_. + + * * * * * + +GERMAN MEASLES. + +"Francesca," I said, "you must admit that at last I have you at a +disadvantage." + +"I admit nothing of the sort." + +"Well," I said, "have you or have you not got German measles? It seems +almost an insult to put such a question to a woman of your energy and +brilliant intellectual capacity, but you force me to it." + +"Dr. Manley--" + +"Come, come, don't fob it off on the Doctor. He didn't wilfully provide you +with an absurd attack of this childish disease." + +"No, he didn't; but when I was getting along quite nicely with the idea +that I was suffering from a passing headache he butted in and sent me to +bed as a German measler--and now we've all got it." + +"Yes," I said, "you've all got it, all my little chickens and their +dam--you're the dam, remember that, Francesca--Muriel's got it, Nina's got +it, Alice has got it and Frederick has got it very slightly, but he insists +on having all the privileges of the worst kind of invalid; and you've got +it, Francesca, and I'm left scatheless in a position of unlimited power and +no responsibility." + +"Yes," she said, "it's terrible, but you will use your strength +mercifully." + +"I'm not at all sure about that. At first I felt like one of those old +prisoner Johnnies--Baron TRENCK, you know, or LATUDE--who were all shaky +and mild when they were at last released; but now I've had time to +think--yes, I've had time to think." + +"And what is the result of your thoughts?" + +"The result," I said, "is that I'm determined to do things thoroughly. I've +mastered all your jealously-guarded secrets and I've allowed the strong +wind of a man's intellect to blow through them. I am facing the cook on a +new system and am dealing with the tradesmen in a spirit of inexorable +resolution. The housemaid is being brought to heel and has already begun +not to leave her brushes and dust-pans lying about on the floors of the +library and the drawing-room. Stern measures are being taken with the +kitchen-maid; and Parkins, that ancient servitor, is slowly being reduced +to obedience. Even the garden is feeling the new influence and potatoes are +being planted where no potatoes were ever planted before. Everything, in +fact, is being reformed." + +"I warn you," said Francesca, "that your reforms will not be allowed to go +on. As soon as I can get rid of the German measles I shall restore +everything to its former condition." + +"But that," I said, "is the counter-revolution." + +"It is; and it's going to begin as soon as I get out of bed." + +"And what are you going to bring out of bed with you?" + +"Common sense," said Francesca. + +"Not at all," I said. "You're going to bring out of bed with you that hard +reactionary bureaucratic spirit which all but ruined Russia and is in +process of ruining Germany. It will be just as if the TSARITSA got loose +and began to have her own way again. By the way, Francesca, what does one +do when the butcher says there won't be any haunch of mutton till Tuesday, +or when the grocer refuses you your due amount of sugar?" + +"A TSARITSA," said Francesca haughtily, "cannot concern herself with sugar +or haunches of mutton." + +"But suppose that the TSARITSA has got German measles. Couldn't she manage +to beat up an interest in mundane affairs?" + +"I'll tell you what," said Francesca. + +"Do," I said; "I'm dying to hear it." + +"Well, you'd better let the strong wind of a man's intellect blow through +them." + +"What," I said--"through the haunch of mutton?" + +"Yes, you could do without the haunch, you know, and score off the +butcher." + +"That's a sound idea. You're not so badly measled as I thought you were." + +"Oh," she said, "I shall soon be rid of them altogether." + +"To tell you the truth, I wish you'd hurry up." + +"Long live the counter-revolution!" + +"Oh, as long as you like," I said. + +"Have you given the children their medicine and taken their temperatures?" + +"I'm just off to do it," I said. + +R.C.L. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SCENE: _A lonely road somewhere in France._ + +_Diminutive Warrior_ (_suddenly confronted with ferocious specimen of the +local fauna_). "LUMME! IF IT AIN'T THE REGIMENTAL COAT-OF-ARMS COME TO +LIFE!"] + + * * * * * + + "The Wady Ghuzzeh, or river of Gaza, a stream-bed which makes no large + assertion on the map. But it 'just divides the desert from the sewn.'" + --_Sunday Paper_. + +Being, as you might say, a mere thread. + + * * * * * + +Extracts from an article entitled "London Sights: An Australian's +Impressions":-- + + "When all is over and we are back where the coyote cries ... when the + Rockies are looking down at us from their snowy heights, and the + night-time silence steals across the fir-bordered + foothills...."--_Sunday Times_. + +Yet what is all this to the longing of the Canadian for the nightly howl of +the kangaroo and the song of the wombat flitting among the blue-gums in his +native bush? + + * * * * * + +According to a French philosopher mankind is divided into two categories, +_Les Huns et les autres_. + + * * * * * + +"Sydney, January 2. + + Concurrently with the inauguration of the new time schedule at 2 a.m. + on Monday a violent earth tremor was experienced at Orange. An + accompanying noise lasted about a half minute."--_Brisbane Courier_. + +Another family quarrel between [Greek: Kronos] and [Greek: Ge]. + + * * * * * + +"Petrograd, Wednesday, + + The Council of Workmen's Delegates has issued an appeal to the + proletariat, which contains the following striking passage: We shall + defend our liberty to the utmost against all attacks within and + without. The Russian revolution will not quail before the bayca fwyaa, + mfwyawayqawyqa."--_Dublin Evening Mail_. + +If that won't frighten it nothing will. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "YOU WOULDN'T THINK IT TO LOOK AT 'IM, BUT WHEN I SAYS +''ANDS UP,' 'E ANSWERS BACK IN PUFFICK ENGLISH, 'STEADY ON WITH YER +BLINKIN' TOOTHPICK,' 'E SEZ, 'AND I'LL COME QUIET.'"] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +I am wondering whether, among the myriad by-products of the War, there +should be numbered a certain note of virility hitherto (if he will forgive +me for saying so) foreign to the literary style of Mr. E. TEMPLE THURSTON. +Because I have certainly found _Enchantment_ (UNWIN) a far more vigorous +and less saccharine affair than previous experience had led me to expect +from him. For which reason I find it far and away my favourite of the +stories by this author that I have so far encountered. I certainly think +(for example) that not one of his Cities of Beautiful Barley-Sugar contains +any figures so alive as those of _John Desmond_, the hard-drinking Irish +squireen, and _Mrs. Slattery_, his adoring housekeeper. There is red blood +in both, and not less in _Charles Stuart_, a hero whose earlier adventures +with smugglers, secret passages and the like have an almost STEVENSONIAN +vigour. All the life of impoverished Waterpark, with its wonderful +drawing-room full of precarious furniture, is excellently drawn. I +willingly allow Mr. THURSTON so much of his earlier manner as is implied in +the (quite pleasant) conceit of the fairy-tale. The point is that the real +tale here is neither of fairies nor of sugar dolls, but of genuine human +beings, vastly entertaining to read about and quite convincingly credible. +I can only entreat the author to continue this rationing of sentiment for +our mutual benefit. + + * * * * * + +When a book rejoices in such a title as _The Amazing Years_ (HODDER AND +STOUGHTON) and begins with a prosperous English family contemplating their +summer holiday in August 1914, you may be tolerably certain beforehand of +its subject-matter. When, moreover, the name on the title-page is that of +Mr. W. PETT RIDGE, you may with equal security anticipate that, whatever +troubles befall this English family by the way, they will eventually reach +a happy ending, and find all for the best in the best of all genially +humorous worlds. As indeed it proves. But of course the _Hilliers_ were +exceptionally fortunate in the fact that when the crash came they had one +of those quite invaluable super-domestics whom Mr. PETT RIDGE delights in +to steer them back to prosperity. The story tells us how the KAISER +compelled the _Hilliers_ to leave "The Croft," and how that very capable +woman, _Miss Weston_, restored it to them again, chiefly by the aid of her +antique shop; and to anyone who has recently been a customer in such an +establishment this result fully explains itself. I need not further enlarge +upon the theme of the book. Your previous knowledge of Mr. PETT RIDGE'S +method will enable you to imagine how the various members of the _Hillier_ +household confront the changes brought by The Amazing Years; but this will +not make you less anxious to read it for yourself in the author's own +inimitable telling. I won't call this his best novel; now and again, +indeed, there seemed rather too much padding for so slender a plot; but, +take it for all in all, and bearing in mind the strange fact that we all +love to read about events with which we are already familiar, I can at +least promise you a cheery and optimistic entertainment. + + * * * * * + +_Jan Ross_, grey-haired at twenty-seven, but sweet of face and of a most +taking way, found herself unexpectedly confronted, a year or two ago, with +a "job." It was eventually to include the looking after a certain _Peter_, +of the Indian Civil Service, a thoroughly good sort, who by now is making +her as happy as she deserves; but in the first place it meant the care of a +little motherless niece and nephew and their protection from a scoundrelly +father. How successfully she has been doing it and what charmingly human +babies are her charges, _Tony_ and _Fay_, you will realise when I say that +it is Mrs. L. ALLEN HARKER who has been telling me all about _Jan and Her +Job_ (MURRAY). You will understand, too, how pleasantly peaceful, how +utterly removed from the artificially forced crispness of the special +correspondent, is the telling of the story; but you must read it yourself +to learn how simply and naturally the writer has used the coming of the War +for her last chapter, and above all to get to know not only _Jan_ herself +but also that most loyal of comrades, her pal _Meg_. _Meg_, indeed, is +almost as much in the middle of the stage as the friend whose nursemaid she +has elected to become; and as the completion of her own private happiness +has to remain in doubt until the coming of peace, since Mrs. HARKER has +resolutely refused to guarantee the survival of the soldier-sweetheart, you +must join me in wishing him the best of good fortune. He is still rubbing +it into the Bosches. Perhaps some day the author will be able to reassure +us. + + * * * * * + +When I have said that _Twentieth-Century France_ (CHAPMAN AND HALL) is +rather over-weighted by its title my grumble is made. To deal adequately +with twentieth-century France in a volume of little more than two hundred +amply-margined pages is beyond the powers of Miss M. BETHAM-EDWARDS or of +any other writer. But, under any title, whatever she writes about France +must be worth reading, and to-day of all times the French need to be +explained to us almost as much as we need to be explained to them. Miss +BETHAM-EDWARDS can be trusted to do this good work with admirable sympathy +and discretion. Here she writes intimately of many people whose names are +already household words in France. The more books we have of the kind the +better. VOLTAIRE, we are reminded, once said that "when a Frenchman and an +Englishman agree upon any subject we may be quite sure they have reason on +their side." Well, they are agreeing at present upon a certain subject with +what the Huns must regard as considerable unanimity. If in the last century +there was any misunderstanding between us and our neighbours it is now in a +fair way to be removed to the back of beyond; and in this removal Miss +EDWARDS has lent a very helping hand. + + * * * * * + +What chiefly impressed me about _Marshdikes_ (UNWIN) was what I can only +call the blazing indiscretion of the chief characters. To begin with, you +have a happily married young couple asking a nice man down for the week-end +to meet a girl, and as good as telling him that the party has been +arranged, as the advertisements put it, with a view to matrimony. Passing +from this, we find a doctor (surely unique) blurting out to a fellow-guest +at dinner that a mutual friend had consulted him for heart trouble. To +crown all, when the match arranged by the young couple has got as far as an +engagement, the wife must needs go and tell the girl that the whole affair +was manoeuvred by herself. Which naturally upset that apple-cart. It had +also the effect of making me a somewhat impatient spectator of the +subsequent developments, mainly political, of the plot. I smiled, though, +when the hero was worsted in his by-election. After all, with a set of +supporters so destitute of elementary tact.... But, of course, I know quite +well what is my real grievance. Miss HELEN ASHTON began her story with a +chapter so full of sparkle that I am peevish at being disappointed of the +comedy that this promised. Perhaps next time she will take the hint, and +give us an entire novel in the key which, I am sure, suits her best. + + * * * * * + +_A Little World Apart_ (LANE) is one of those gentle stories that please as +much by reminding you of others like them as by any qualities of their own. +Indeed you might call it, with no disparagement intended, a fragrant +pot-pourri of many rustic romances--_Our Village_, for example, and more +than a touch of _Cranford_. Your literary memory may also suggest to you +another scene in fiction almost startlingly like the one here, in which the +gently-born lover (named _Arthur_) of the village beauty is forced to +combat by her rustic suitor. Fortunately, however, Mr. GEORGE STEVENSON has +no tragedy like that of _Hetty_ in store for his _Rose_. His picture of +rural life is more mellow than melodramatic; and his tale reaches a happy +end, unchequered by anything more sensational than a mild outbreak of +scandal from the local wag-tongues. There are many pleasant, if rather +familiar, characters; though I own to a certain sense of repletion arising +from the elderly and domineering dowagers of fiction, of whom _Lady Crane_ +may be regarded as embodying the common form. _A Little World Apart_, in +short, is no very sensational discovery, but good enough as a quiet corner +for repose. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A MODEL FOR THE HUNS IN BELGIUM. + +NERO MAKES HIMSELF POPULAR ON A FLAG-DAY IN AID OF HOMELESS ROMANS REDUCED +TO DESTITUTION BY THE GREAT FIRE.] + + * * * * * + +A VISION OF BLIGHTY. + + I do not ask, when back on Blighty's shore + My frozen frame in liberty shall rest, + For pleasure to beguile the hours in store + With long-drawn revel or with antique jest. + I do not ask to probe the tedious pomp + And tinsel splendour of the last Revue; + The Fox-trot's mysteries, the giddy Romp, + And all such folly I would fain eschew. + But, propt on cushions of my long desire, + Deep-buried in the vastest of armchairs, + Let me recline what time the roaring fire + Consumes itself and all my former cares. + I shall not think nor speak, nor laugh nor weep, + But simply sit and sleep and sleep and sleep. + + * * * * * + + "Wanted, Ladyhelp or General, for country, no bread or butter.--Apply + 'Gay,' 'Dominion' Office."--_The Dominion_ (_Wellington, N.Z._). + +We congratulate the advertiser on her cheery optimism. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +152, April 11, 1917, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14769.txt or 14769.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/7/6/14769/ + +Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Punch, or the London Charivari, Keith +Edkins and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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