20 files changed, 6882 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/old/14769-8.txt b/old/14769-8.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..7e8b23f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/14769-8.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,2049 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152,
+April 11, 1917, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, April 11, 1917
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: January 23, 2005 [EBook #14769]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Punch, or the London Charivari, Keith
+Edkins and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 152.
+
+
+
+April 11th, 1917.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+The question as to how America's army will assist the Allies has not yet
+been decided, so that President WILSON will still be glad of suggestions
+from our halfpenny morning papers.
+
+       ***
+
+The military absentee who said he had just dined at a London restaurant,
+and therefore did not mind going back to the trenches, acted rightly in not
+disclosing the name of the restaurant.
+
+       ***
+
+The report that M. VENEZELOS was in London has been denied by _The Daily
+Mail_ and the Press Bureau. It is expected that the news will at once be
+telegraphed to M. VENEZELOS.
+
+       ***
+
+There is a proposal to shorten theatrical performances, and several
+managers of revue, unable to determine which joke to retain, have in
+desperation resolved to sacrifice both.
+
+       ***
+
+Owing to travelling and other difficulties the British Association have
+decided not to hold their annual meeting this year. Unofficially, the
+decision is attributed to the growing prejudice against a continuance of
+the more frivolous forms of entertainment.
+
+       ***
+
+A soldier in Salonika has asked a friend in Surrey to send him some flower
+seeds for a garden in his camp. We hear that Mr. LYNCH, M.P., is convinced
+that this is merely an inspired attempt to obscure the real object of the
+campaign.
+
+       ***
+
+We learn with satisfaction that it is proposed to form a Ministry of
+Health, for many of the Government Departments seem to be suffering from a
+variety of complaints.
+
+       ***
+
+In connection with a recent law case, in which a certain Mr. SHAW was
+referred to as "one of the public," we hasten to point out that it did not
+refer to Mr. GEORGE BERNARD SHAW, who, of course, is not in that category.
+
+       ***
+
+"Peanuts," says _The Daily Chronicle,_ "do not seem to be receiving the
+attention they deserve from our food experts." Several of our younger
+readers who profess to be food experts declare that they are ready to
+attend to all the peanuts that our contemporary cares to put in their way.
+
+       ***
+
+In a duel with revolvers last week two Spanish officers wounded one
+another. We have all along maintained that duels with revolvers are
+becoming positively dangerous.
+
+       ***
+
+A cheque for twenty-five million dollars has just been handed to M. BRON,
+Danish Minister at Washington, in payment for the Danish West Indies. This,
+we understand, includes cost of packing and delivery.
+
+       ***
+
+[Illustration: _Master (after the event)._ "DO YOU KNOW, YOUNG MAN, THAT
+THIS PAINS ME MUCH MORE THAN IT DOES YOU?"
+
+_The Terror._ "NO, I DIDN'T KNOW, SIR. BUT IF THAT ASSERTION GENUINELY
+EXPRESSES YOUR CONSIDERED OPINION I FEEL VERY MUCH BETTER."]
+
+       ***
+
+There is a serious shortage of margarine and many people have been
+compelled to fall back on butter.
+
+       ***
+
+A gossip writer states that one of the recent additions to the Metropolitan
+Special constabulary weighs seventeen stone. It is not yet decided whether
+he will take one beat or two.
+
+       ***
+
+There is to be no General Election this year for fear that it might clash
+with the other War.
+
+       ***
+
+Another military absentee having told the Thames Police Court magistrate
+that he did not know there was a War on, it is expected that the Government
+will have to announce the fact.
+
+       ***
+
+It is no longer the fashion to regard the British as a degenerate race.
+Still it is good to know that one of our rat clubs has killed no fewer than
+three hundred of these ferocious beasts.
+
+       ***
+
+A contemporary suggests that we may yet institute a system of pigeon post,
+and thus assist the postal services. There will be fine mornings when the
+exasperated house-holder will be waiting behind the door with a shot-gun
+for the bird which attempts to deliver the Income Tax papers.
+
+       ***
+
+Two litigants in the Bombay High Court have settled their differences by
+agreeing that the sum in dispute shall be paid into the War Fund. This is
+considered to be a marked improvement on the old method of dividing it
+between the lawyers in the case.
+
+       ***
+
+"It is my supreme war aim," said Count VON ROON in the Prussian House of
+Lords, "to keep the Throne and the Dynasty sky high." Once we have knocked
+them sky high the Count can keep them in any old place he likes.
+
+       ***
+
+At a recent concert at Cripplegate Institute in aid of St. Dunstan's Hostel
+for Blinded Soldiers, lightning sketches of cats by Louis WAIN were sold by
+auction. The sketching of these night-prowlers by lightning is, we
+understand, a most exhilarating pursuit, but the opportunities for it are
+comparatively rare, and most artists have to utilise the moon or the
+searchlight.
+
+       ***
+
+It is announced that owing to the shortage of paper the number of
+propagandist pamphlets published by the German Government will be
+diminished. The decision may also have been influenced by the increasing
+shortage of neutrals.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Father Waring's boat became jammed while being lowered and hung
+    dangerously, but the ship's surgeon cut the cackles and they descended
+    safely."--_The Pioneer (Allahabad)_
+
+Another of our strong silent men.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SYMPOSIUM OF THE CENTRAL WEAKNESSES.
+
+              FERDIE.
+
+  My nerves are feeling rather bad
+  About the news from Petrograd.
+  Briefly, and speaking as a Tsar,
+  I think the game has gone too far.
+  When Liberty gets on the wing
+  You cannot always stop the thing.
+  Vices from ill examples grow,
+  And I might be the next to go.
+
+              TINO.
+
+  Yes, what has happened over there
+  May very well occur elsewhere.
+  Fortune with me may prove as fickle as
+  It did with poor lamented NICHOLAS.
+  It was a silly thing to do
+  To ape the airs of WILLIAM TWO;
+  I cannot think what I was at,
+  Trying to be an autocrat.
+
+              MEHMED.
+
+  I take a very dubious tone
+  About the fate of Allah's Own.
+  The Young Turk Party's been my bane
+  And caused me hours and hours of pain;
+  But, what would be a bitterer pill,
+  There may be others younger still,
+  Who, if the facts should get about,
+  Would want to rise and throw me out.
+
+              FERDIE.
+
+  I don't believe that WILLIAM cares
+  One little fig for my affairs.
+  He roped me in to this concern
+  Simply to serve his private turn;
+  And never shed a single tear
+  Over my loss of Monastir.
+  For tuppence, if I saw my way,
+  I'd join the others any day.
+
+              TINO.
+
+  Last year (its memory still is green) O
+  How WILLIAM loved his precious TINO!
+  He talked about our family ties
+  And sent me such a lot of spies.
+  But since his foes began to squeeze
+  My guns inside the Peloponnese
+  His interest in me has ceased;
+  I do not like it in the least.
+
+              MEHMED.
+
+  I lent him troops when things were slack,
+  And now the beast won't pay 'em back.
+  He never mentions any "line"
+  Of HINDENBURG'S in Palestine.
+  I cannot sleep; I get such frights
+  During these dark Arabian Nights.
+  But he--he doesn't care a dem.
+  O Allah! O Jerusalem!
+                  O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE ONE NEW SPRING FASHION.
+
+    Every woman who wants the most economical new garment, should buy
+    to-morrow's DAILY SKETCH."--_Evening Standard._
+
+It sounds cheap, but would it wear?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BLANCHE'S LETTERS.
+
+SOCIETY "WAR-WORKERS."
+
+DEAREST DAPHNE,--The scarcity of paper isn't altogether an unmixed
+misfortune, as far as one's correspondence is concerned. Letters that don't
+matter, letters from the insignificant and the boresome, simply aren't
+answered. For small spur-of-the-moment notes to one's _intimes_ who're not
+too far off, there's quite a little feeling for using _slates_. One writes
+what one's to say on one's slate (which may be just as dilly a little
+affair as you please, with plain or chased silver frame, enamelled monogram
+or coronet, and pencil hanging by a little silver chain), and sends it by a
+servant. When the note's been read, it's wiped off, the answer written, and
+the slate brought back. _Isn't_ that fragrant? I may claim to have set this
+fashion. Of course a very _voyant_ slate is not just-so. The
+Bullyon-Boundermere woman set up one with a deep, heavily-chased gold
+frame, and "B.-B." at the top set with big diamonds. _C'est bien elle!_
+She'd used it only half-a-dozen times when it was snatched from her
+footwoman, who was taking it to somebody's house, and hasn't been heard of
+since!
+
+_People Who Matter_ gave a double-page to illustrating "War-Time
+Correspondence Slates of Social Leaders." _My_ slate's there, and Stella
+Clackmannan's, and Beryl's and several more. � propos, have you seen the
+series of "Well-known War-Workers" they've been having lately in _People
+Who Matter_? They're really quite worth while. There's dear Lala
+Middleshire in one of those charming "Olga" trench coats (khaki face-cloth
+lined self-coloured satin and with big, lovely, gilt-and-enamelled
+buttons), high brown boots, and one of those saucy little Belgian caps with
+a distracting little tassel wagging in front. The pickie is called "The
+Duchess of Middleshire Takes a War-Worker's Lunch," and dear Lala is shown
+standing by a table, looking so _bravely_ at two cutlets, a potato, a piece
+of war bread, a piece of war cheese and a small pudding.
+
+Then there's Hermione Shropshire, in a perfectly _haunting_ lace and
+taffetas morning robe, with a clock near her (marked with a cross) pointing
+to eight o'clock! (She lets her maid dress her at that hour now, so that
+the girl may go and make munitions.) And Edelfleda Saxonbury is shown in an
+evening gown, wearing her famous pearls. She's leaning her chin on her hand
+and gazing with a sweet wistful look at an inset view of the hostel where
+she's washed plates and cups quite several times.
+
+And last but not least there's a pickie that the journalist people have
+dubbed, "Distinguished Society Women distinguish themselves as Carpenters,"
+_et voil�_ Beryl, Babs and your Blanche, in delicious cream serge overall
+things, with hammers, planes, and saws embroidered in crewels on the big
+square collars and turn-up cuffs, and enormously becoming carpenter's caps,
+looking at a rest-hut we've just finished. Oh, my dearest and best, you
+don't know what it is to _live_ till you've learned to _carpent_! It's
+positively _enthralling_! When we're skilful enough we're to go abroad--
+_mais il faut se taire_! _I_ don't see why we shouldn't go _now_. We're as
+skilful as we shall ever be. And even if one or two of our huts _had_ no
+doors what's that matter? Besides, a hut with no door has a tremendous
+pull--there wouldn't be any draughts!
+
+Everyone's _furious_ at the way the powers that be have treated Sybil
+Easthampton. You know what a wonderful thing her Ollyoola Love Dance is. Of
+course she's lived among the Ollyoolas and knows them in all their moods.
+(They're natives somewhere ever and ever so far off, where there are palms
+and coral reefs, and the people don't believe in wrapping themselves up
+much.) And so she's given the dance at a great many War Fund matinees. That
+little Mrs. Jimmy Sharpe, daring to criticise it, said there was too much
+Ollyoola and not enough dance; but everybody who _counts_ simply raves
+about it. And then, when some manager person offered Sybil big terms to do
+it at the "Incandescent," he was "officially informed" that, if the
+Ollyoola Love Dance went into the bill the "Incandescent" would be "placed
+out of bounds"! What do you, _do_ you think of that, _m'amie_? A piece of
+sheer _artistry_ like the Ollyoola Love Dance to be treated so! And it's
+wonderful not only artistically but scientifically. Each of dear Sybil's
+amazing wriggles and squirms and crouches and springs is _absolutely_
+true--_exactly_ what an Ollyoola _does_ when it's in love.
+
+We're all glad to think we can _still_ see the Ollyoola Love Dance at War
+Fund matin�es.
+
+Ever thine,
+BLANCHE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SECRETS OF THE SALES.
+
+"A splendid line in corsets, in fine white coutil, usually sold at 14s.
+11d., are offered sale at 17s. 11d. each."--_Fashions for All._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "BRITISH HARRY THE ENEMY."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+And all this time the Germans have been under the impression that it was
+British Tommy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ALIMENTARY INTELLIGENCE.
+
+MR. PUNCH. "DO YOU CONTROL FOOD HERE?"
+
+COMMISSIONAIRE. "WELL, SIR, 'CONTROL' IS PERHAPS RATHER A STRONG WORD. BUT
+WE GIVE HINTS TO HOUSEHOLDERS, AND WE ISSUE 'GRAVE WARNINGS.'"
+
+(Mr. Punch, however, is glad to note that more drastic regulations are
+about to be enforced.)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WATCH DOGS.
+
+LIX.
+
+MY DEAR CHARLES,--Reference the German withdrawal. The matter is proceeding
+in machine-like order, and one of the first great men to cross No-Man's
+Land was myself in the noblest of cars. It was, I confess, a purely
+temporary and fortuitous arrangement which put me in such a conveyance, but
+I had the feeling that it was excellently fitted to my particular form of
+greatness, and there were moments when I was so enamoured of it that I was
+on the verge of getting into a hole with it and staying hid there till the
+end of the War. Just the right hole was provided at every cross-roads, but
+the driver wouldn't try them and went round by the fields.
+
+Of the flattened villages and the severed fruit-trees you will have read as
+much as I have seen. It's a gruesome business, but one charred village is
+much like another, and the sight is, alas, a familiar one nowadays. For me
+all else was forgotten in speechless admiration of the French people. Their
+self-restraint and adaptability are beyond words. These hundreds of honest
+people, just relieved from the domineering of the Master Swine and restored
+to their own good France again, were neither hysterical nor exhausted. They
+were just their happy selves, very pleased about it all, standing in their
+doorways, strolling about the market-place, watching the march of events as
+one might watch a play. Every house had its tricolor bravely flying; where
+they'd got them from so soon I don't know, but no Frenchman ever yet
+failed, under any circumstances, to produce exactly the right thing at
+exactly the right moment. There was a nice old Adjoint at the Mairie who
+wasn't for doing any business at all, with the English or anyone else,
+until a certain formality had been observed. He had a bottle of old brandy
+in his cellar, which somehow or other had escaped the German eye these last
+two years. This, said Monsieur, had first to be disposed of before any
+other business could conceivably be entertained ... I gathered he had
+risked much, everything possibly, in keeping this bottle two years; but
+nothing on earth would induce him to retain it two minutes longer.
+
+Madame, the doctor's wife, approached me as a friend with a request. Would
+I expedite a letter to her people, to announce her restoration to liberty?
+I was at Madame's disposal. She handed me the letter. I observed that the
+envelope was not closed down. Madame's look indicated that this was
+intentional, and her expression indicated that this was the sort of thing
+she was used to.
+
+There was no weeping, no extreme emotion. There was a philosophical
+detachment, a very prevalent humour, and, for the rest, signs of a quiet
+waiting for "The Day." There is only one day for France, the day of the
+arrival of Frenchmen on German soil. When the English arrive in Germany
+there will be nothing doing, except some short and precise orders that we
+must salute all civilians and pay double for what we buy; but when the
+French arrive in Germany ... and Heaven send we are going to help them to
+get well in!
+
+There is a story current, turning on these events, of a young German
+officer and an official correspondence. It just possibly may be true, since
+even among such a rotten lot there might conceivably have been one
+tolerable fellow. The Higher Command had been much intrigued as to a church
+window, wanting to know (in writing) exactly why and how it had been
+broken; or rather, as it was the German Higher Command, exactly why and how
+it had been allowed to remain unbroken. You know how these affairs develop
+in interest and excitement as the correspondence passes down and down, from
+one formation to another, and what an air of urgency and bitterness they
+wear when they reach the last man. In this case the young German subaltern,
+who had no one else below him on whom to put the burden of explaining in
+writing, took advantage of his position, and wrote upon a slip, which he
+attached to the top of the others: "To Officer Commanding British Troops.
+Passed to you, please, as this town is now in your area...."
+
+Probably the tale isn't true, for if the officer was a German he must have
+had German blood in him, and if he had German blood in him there couldn't
+be room for anything else, certainly not for a sense of humour.
+
+We stayed longer than we should have done; this was an occasion upon which
+one could not insist on the limit of ten handshakes per person. I was
+delayed also by the Institutrice, who wanted to borrow my uniform, so that
+she might put it on and so be in a position to start right off at once,
+paying back. She meant it too, and I should not be surprised to hear that
+she's been caught doing it by this time. Her mother was there in great
+form. Asked for her opinion of the dear departed, she said she had already
+told it to themselves and saw no reason to alter it. "They make war only on
+women and children; they are _l�ches_." My N.C.O. got out his
+pocket-dictionary to discover the exact meaning of the word. She told us he
+needn't trouble; it meant two months' imprisonment. She had a face like a
+russet apple--a very nice russet apple, too.
+
+We didn't get away before dark, and we found it very hard to discover our
+way about new country when large hunks of it were missing altogether. One
+of the party would walk on to find the way, and later I would go forth to
+find him. We could see the road stretching away in front of us for
+kilometres; but between us and it there would be twenty yards of nil.
+
+However, the car eventually learnt to stand on its back wheels, climb
+hedges and make its way home across country, having confirmed its general
+opinion of the Bosch, that he is only good at one thing, and that is
+destroying other people's property. I am now back in comfort again, and
+able to remember your suffering. I send herewith a slice of bully beef
+(one) and potatoes (two), hoping that they will not be torpedoed, and
+urging you to hang on, for we are now beginning to think of moving towards
+Germany, if only to see, when we get there, exactly what the Frenchman has
+been evolving in his mind all this time.
+
+Yours ever,
+HENRY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "WELL, SO YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE THE VOTE AT LAST."
+
+"OH, ONLY WOMEN OVER THIRTY, YOU KNOW."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "General Ludendorff has received the Red Eagle of the First Class."--
+    _Central News_.
+
+An appropriate reward for his rapid flight.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Customer_. "LOOK OUT! YOU'RE CONFOUNDEDLY CLUMSY!"
+
+_New Assistant_. "WELL, YOU CAN'T BE PARTICKLER WHAT YOU DO NOWADAYS. I
+NEVER WAS A BARBER AFORE, AND I 'ATE AND DESPISE THE JOB--SEE?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COMRADES.
+
+  In every home in England you will find their wistful faces,
+    Where, weary of adventure, lying lonely by the fire,
+  Untempted by the sunlight and the call of open spaces,
+    They are listening, listening, listening for the step of their desire.
+
+  And, watching, we remember all the tried and never failing,
+    The good ones and the game ones that have run the years at heel;
+  Old Scamp that killed the badger single-handed by the railing,
+    And Fan, the champion ratter, with her fifty off the reel.
+
+  The bitches under Ranksboro' with hackles up for slaughter,
+    The otter hounds on Irfon as they part the alder bowers,
+  The tufters drawing to their stag above the Horner Water,
+    The setters on Ben Lomond when the purple heather flowers.
+
+  The collie climbing Cheviot to head his hill sheep stringing,
+    The Dandie digging to his fox among the Lakeside scars,
+  The Clumber in the marshes when the evening flight is winging
+    And the wild geese coming over through the rose light and the stars.
+
+  And my heart goes out in pity to each faithful one that's fretting
+    Day by day in cot or castle with his dim eyes on the door.
+  In his dreams he hunts with sorrow. And for us there's no forgetting
+    That he helped our love of England and he hardened us for war.
+                  W.H.O.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_AUTRE TEMPS--AUTRES MOEURS._
+
+  When MOSES fought with AMALEK in days of long ago,
+    And slew him for the glory of the Lord,
+  'Is longest range artill'ry was an arrow and a bow,
+    And 'is small arms was a barrel-lid and sword;
+  But to-day 'e would 'ave done 'em in with gas,
+    Or blowed 'em up with just a mine or so,
+  Then broken up their ranks by advancing with 'is tanks,
+    And started 'ome to draw his D.S.O.
+
+  When ST. GEORGE 'e went a-ridin' all naked through the lands--
+    You can see 'im on the back of 'arf-a-quid--
+  'E  spiked the fiery  dragon with a spear in both 'is 'ands,
+    But to-day, if 'e 'd to do what then he did,
+  'E 'd roll up easy in an armoured car,
+    'E 'd loose off a little Lewis gun,
+  Then 'e 'd 'oist the scaly dragon upon a G.S. wagon
+    And cart 'im 'ome to show the job was done.
+
+  Then there weren't no airyplanes and there weren't no bombs and guns;
+    You just biffed the opposition on the 'ead.
+  If the world could take all weapons from the British and the 'Uns,
+    Could scrap the steel, the copper and the lead;
+  If we fought it out with pick-'andles and fists,
+    If the good old times would only come agin,
+  When there weren't no dirty trenches with their rats and lice and
+      stenches,
+    Why, a month 'ud see us whoopin' through Berlin!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SPOOP.
+
+A REPERTORY DRAMA IN ONE ACT.
+
+    ["A repertory play is one that is unlikely to be repeated."--_Old
+    Saying_.]
+
+CHARACTERS.
+
+  _John Bullyum, J.P._ (Member of the Town Council of Mudslush).
+  _Mrs. Bullyum_ (his wife).
+  _Janet_ (their daughter).
+  _David_ (their son).
+
+    SCENE.--_The living-room of a smallish house in the dullest street of a
+    provincial suburb._ [_N.B.--This merely means that practically any
+    scenery will do, provided the wall-paper is sufficiently hideous.
+    Furnish with the scourings of the property-room--a great convenience
+    for Sunday evening productions._] _The room contains rather less than
+    the usual allowance of doors and windows, thus demonstrating a fine
+    contempt for stage traditions. An electric-light, disguised within a
+    mid-Victorian gas-globe, occupies a conspicuous position on one wall.
+    You will see why presently. When the curtain rises_ Janet, _an awkward
+    girl of any age over thirty_ (_and made up to look it_) _is seated
+    before the fire knitting. Her mother, also knitting, faces her. The
+    appearance of the elder woman contains a very careful suggestion of the
+    nearest this kind of play ever gets to low-comedy._
+
+_Janet_ (_glancing at clock on mantelpiece_). It's close on nine. David is
+late again.
+
+_Mrs. B._ He's aye late these nights. 'Tis the lectures at the Institute
+that keeps him.
+
+    [_N.B.--Naturally both women speak with a pronounced accent, South
+    Lancashire if possible. Failing that, anything sufficiently unlike
+    ordinary English will serve._
+
+_Janet_. He's that anxious to get on, is David.
+
+_Mrs. B._ Ay, he's fair set on being a town councillor one day, like thy
+feyther.
+
+_Janet_ (_quietly_). That 'ud be fine.
+
+_Mrs. B._ You'd a rare long meeting at the women's guild to-night.
+
+_Janet_ (_without emotion_). Ay. They've elected me to go to Manchester on
+the deputation.
+
+_Mrs. B._ You'll like that.
+
+_Janet_ (_suppressing a secret pride so that it is wholly imperceptible by
+the audience_). It'll be well enough. I'm to go first-class. (_A pause._)
+Young Mr. Inkslinger is going too.
+
+_Mrs. B._ (_with interest_). Can they spare him from the boot-shop?
+
+_Janet_. He's left them. He's writing a play.
+
+_Mrs. B._ (_concerned_). Dear, dear! And he used to be such a steady young
+fellow.
+
+    [_All that matters in their conversation is now finished, but as the
+    play has got to be filled up they continue to talk for some ten minutes
+    longer. At the end of that time_--
+
+_Janet_ (_glancing at clock again_). It's half-past nine, and neither of
+they men back yet.
+
+    [_Which means that, while the attention of the audience was diverted,
+    the stage-manager must have twiddled the clock-hands round from behind.
+    This is called realism._
+
+_Mrs. B._ Listen! Yer feyther's comin' now.
+
+    [_A door in the far distance is heard to bang. At the same instant_
+    John Bullyum _enters quickly. He is the typical British parent of
+    repertory; that is to say, he has iron-grey hair, a chin beard, a
+    lie-down collar, and the rest of his appearance is a cross between a
+    gamekeeper and an undertaker._
+
+_Bullyum_ (_He is evidently in a state of some excitement; speaks
+scornfully_). Well, here's a fine thing happened.
+
+_Mrs. B._ What is it, feyther?
+
+_Bully_, (_showing letter_). That young puppy, Inkslinger, had the
+impudence to write me asking for our Janet. But I've told him off to
+rights. He's nobbut a boot-builder.
+
+_Janet_ (_in a level voice_). Ye're wrong there, feyther. Bob Inkslinger's
+a dramatist now.
+
+_Bully_, (_thunderstruck_). What?
+
+_Janet_ (_as before_). He's had a play taken by the Sad Sundays Society.
+
+_Bully_. Great Powers, a repertory dramatist! And I've insulted him!--me, a
+town councillor. (_He has grown white to the lips; this is not easy, but
+can be managed._) There'll be a play about me--about us, this house--
+everything. But (_passionately_) I'll thwart him yet. Janet, my girl, do
+thee write at once and say that I withdraw my opposition to the engagement.
+
+_Janet_ (_dully_). But I don't want the man.
+
+_Bully_, (_hectoring_). Am I your feyther or am I not? I tell you you shall
+marry him. And what's more, he shan't find us what he looks for. No, no
+(_with rising agitation_), he thinks that because I'm a town councillor I'm
+to be made game of, does he? Well, I'll learn him different! (_Glaring
+round_) This room--it's got to be changed. And you (_to_ Janet) put on a
+short frock, something lively and up-to-date--d' ye hear? At once!
+
+_Mrs. B._ (_as_ Janet _only stares without moving_). Well, I never.
+
+_Bully_. And let's have some books about the place--BERNARD SHAW--
+
+_Janet_ (_icily_). He's a back number now, feyther.
+
+_Bully_. Well, whoever's the latest. Then you must go to plays and dances,
+lots of dances. (_Struck with an idea_) Where's David?
+
+    [_As he speaks_ David _enters, a tall ungainly youth with spectacles
+    and a projecting brow._
+
+_David_. Here I yam, feyther.
+
+_Bully_. It's close on ten. (_Hopefully_) Have ye been at a night-club?
+
+_David_. I were kept late at evenin' class.
+
+_Bully_. Brr! (_In an ecstasy of fury_) See ye belong to a night-club
+before the week's out. (_He does his glare again._) I'll establish
+frivolity and a spirit of modernism in this household, if I have to take
+the stick to every member of it.
+
+_Janet_ (_springing up suddenly_). Feyther! (_A pause; she collects herself
+for her big effort._) Feyther, I'm one o' they dour silent girls to whom
+expression comes hardly, but (_with veiled menace_) when it does come it
+means fifteen minutes' unrelieved monologue. So tak' heed. We're not
+wanting these changes, and to be up-to-date, and all that. I'm happy as I
+am, and so's David. He has his hope of the council, and the bribes and them
+things. And I've my guild and my friends, with their odd clothes and
+variable accents. That's the life I want, and I won't change it. I won't--
+
+    [_Quite suddenly she breaks from them and rushes out of the room,
+    slamming the door after her. The others remain silent, apparently from
+    emotion, but really to see if there will be any applause. When this is
+    settled in the negative old_ Bullyum _speaks again._
+
+_Bully_, (_slowly and as if with an immense effort_). Why couldn't she
+wait?... She might have known we wouldn't decide anything--that we never do
+decide anything--because it would be too much like a rounded climax. Well
+(_rousing himself_), let's put out the gas. [_He moves heavily towards the
+conspicuous bracket._
+
+_David_ (_protesting)_. But, feyther, 'tisn't near time for bed yet.
+
+_Bully_, (_grimly_). Maybe; but 'tis more than time play was finished. And
+this is how.
+
+    [_He turns the tap. A few moments later the light is switched off with
+    a faintly audible click, and upon a stage in total darkness the curtain
+    falls._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Officer_ (_anxious to pass his recruit who is not shooting
+well_). "DO YOU SMOKE MUCH?"
+
+_Recruit._ "ABOUT A PACKET OF WOODBINES A DAY, SIR."
+
+_Officer._ "DO YOU INHALE?"       _Recruit._ "NOT MORE THAN A PINT A DAY,
+SIR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WOBBLER.
+
+My friend, whom for the purpose of concealing his identity I will call
+Wiggles, opened fire upon me on March 1st (coming in like a lion) with
+this:
+
+"DEAR WILLIAM,--I have not been well and my doctor thinks it might do me
+good to come to Cornwall for a few weeks. May I invite myself to stay with
+you?..."
+
+I accepted his invitation, if I may put it so, and on March 6th received
+the following:--
+
+"DEAR WILLIAM,--I am not, as I think I said, at all well, and my doctor
+considers I had better break the journey at Plymouth, as it is a long way
+from Malvern to Cornwall. Would you recommend me some hotels to choose
+from? I hope to start by the middle of the month ..."
+
+I recommended hotels, and on the 12th heard from him again:--
+
+"DEAR WILLIAM,--I am very obliged to you. In this severe weather my doctor
+says that I cannot be too careful, and I doubt if I shall be able to start
+for ten days or so. Has your house a south aspect, and is it far from the
+sea? I require air but not wind. And could you tell me ..."
+
+I told him all right, though as a guest I began to think him a little
+_exigeant_. But he was unwell.
+
+On the 17th he answered me:--
+
+"DEAR WILLIAM,--I understand you live _quite_ in the country. Would you
+tell me whether a doctor lives near to you and whether you have a chemist
+within reasonable distance? My doctor, who really understands my case,
+won't hear of my starting until the wind changes: but I hope ..."
+
+I drew a map showing my house, the nearest chemist's shop, the doctor's
+surgery and a few other points of interest, such as Land's End and the
+Lizard. This I sent to him, and on the 22nd he replied:--
+
+"DEAR WILLIAM,--I acknowledge your map with many thanks. There is one more
+thing. My doctor insists on a very special diet. Can your cook make
+porridge? I rely very largely on porridge for breakfast and ..."
+
+I saw myself smiling at Lord DEVONPORT and wired back, "Have you ever known
+a cook who couldn't make porridge?"
+
+And on the 27th he issued his ultimatum:--
+
+"DEAR WILLIAM,--I have consulted my doctor and he thinks I ought not to
+tempt Providence by travelling at present, so I have decided to remain in
+Malvern. I do hope ..."
+
+To this I replied:--
+
+"DEAR WIGGLES,--Holding as you do the old pagan view of Providence, you are
+quite right not to tempt it. The loss is mine. I hope you will soon be
+rather less unwell."
+
+Then I went away for three days without leaving an address, and when I
+returned it was to learn that Wiggles had arrived on the previous evening.
+And in my study I found him, together with four wires (two to say he wasn't
+coming and two to say he was) and a table loaded with prescriptions.
+
+He eats enormously.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+INKOMANIA.
+
+(_Suggested by Mr. SIMONIS' recently published volume._)
+
+  O Street of Ink, O Street of Ink,
+  Where printers and machinsts swink
+  Amid the buzz and hum and clink;
+  By night one cannot sleep a wink,
+  There is no time to stop or think,
+  One half forgets to eat or drink,
+  One's brains are knotted in a kink,
+  One always lives upon the brink
+  Of "happenings" that strike one pink.
+  One day the dollars gaily chink,
+  The next your funds to zero shrink.
+  And yet I'm such a perfect ninc-
+  Ompoop I cannot break the link
+  That binds me to the Street of Ink.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Tommy_ (_to Officer who has only arrived in the trench by
+accident_). "IF YOU'RE A-LOOKIN' FOR THE BURIED CABLE, SIR, IT'S FURTHER
+ALONG."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHILDREN'S TALES FOR GROWN-UPS.
+
+VI.
+
+THE CAT AND THE KING.
+
+The cat looked at the King.
+
+She was the boldest cat in the world, but her heart stood still as she
+vindicated the immemorial right of her race.
+
+What would the King say? What would the King do?
+
+Would he call her up to sit on his royal shoulder? If so, she would purr
+her loudest to drown the beating of her heart, and she would rub her head
+against the royal ear. How splendid to be a royal cat!
+
+Or perhaps he would appoint her Mouser to the King's Household, and she
+would keep the King's peace with tooth and claw.
+
+Or perhaps she would become playmate to the Royal children, and live on
+cream and sleep all day on a silken cushion.
+
+Or--and this is where her heart ceased to beat--perhaps she would pay the
+price of her temerity and the Hereditary Executioner would smite off her
+head.
+
+She had put it boldly to the test, to sink or swim. What would the King do?
+
+The King rose slowly from his throne and passed out to his own apartments,
+whilst all the Court bowed.
+
+The King had not noticed the cat.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE RULING PASSION.
+
+    "A Russian official accredited to this country, in an interview with a
+    representative of the Morning Post yesterday, said:--Potatoes."--
+    _Evening Times and Echo_ (_Bristol_).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "I could well enter into the feelings of this lad's colonel when, with
+    a lint in his eye, he descrihimbed as 'a riceless youngster.'"--_Civil
+    and Military Gazette_.
+
+We fear that the insertion of the bandage in the colonel's eye must have
+prevented him from forming a true appreciation of the young fellow.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Headline to a leading article in _The Evening News_:--
+
+    "WATCH ITALY AND RUSSIA."
+
+Extract from same:--
+
+    "We ought to keep our eyes fixed on the Western front."
+
+Correspondents should address their inquiries to Carmelite, Squinting House
+Square.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HERBS OF GRACE.
+
+VI.
+
+ROSEMARY.
+
+  Whenas on summer days I see
+  That sacred herb, the Rosemary,
+  The which, since once Our Lady threw
+  Upon its flow'rs her robe of blue,
+  Has never shown them white again,
+      But still in blue doth dress them--
+          _Then, oh, then_
+  _I think upon old friends and bless them._
+
+  And when beside my winter fire
+  I feel its fragrant leaves suspire,
+  Hung from my hearth-beam on a hook,
+  Or laid within a quiet book
+  There to awake dear ghosts of men
+      When pages ope that press them--
+          _Then, oh, then_
+  _I think upon old friends and bless them._
+
+  The gentle Rosemary, I wis,
+  Is Friendship's herb and Memory's.
+  Ah, ye whom this small herb of grace
+  Brings back,  yet brings not face to face,
+  Yea, all who read these lines I pen,
+      Would ye for truth confess them?
+          _Then, oh, then_
+  _Think upon old friends and bless them._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: VICTORY FIRST.
+
+GERMAN SOCIALIST. "I HOLD OUT MY HANDS TO YOU, COMRADE!"
+
+RUSSIAN REVOLUTIONARY. "HOLD THEM _UP_, AND THEN I MAY TALK TO YOU."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE UNITED STATES OF GREAT BRITAIN AND AMERICA.
+
+_John Bull_ (_to President Wilson_). "BRAVO, SIR! DELIGHTED TO HAVE YOU ON
+OUR SIDE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Monday, April 2nd_.--The MINISTER OF MUNITIONS informed the House that,
+owing to the demand for explosives, there is a shortage of acid for
+artificial fertilisers. It is rumoured that Mr. SNOWDEN, Mr. OUTHWAITE and
+Mr. PRINGLE, feeling that it is up to them to do something useful for their
+country, have placed at Dr. ADDISON'S disposal a selection from the
+speeches delivered by them during the War, containing an abundant supply of
+the necessary commodity.
+
+Mr. JOSEPH MARTIN has all the migratory instincts of his well-known family,
+and flits from East St. Pancras to British Columbia and back again with
+engaging irregularity. On his rare visits to Westminster he is always ready
+to impart in a somewhat strident voice (another family characteristic) the
+political wisdom that he has garnered from the New World and the Old. But
+somehow the House fails to take him at his own valuation, and when he tried
+to belittle the Imperial Conference, on the ground that the Dominion
+Premier and his colleagues would be much better employed at home, I think
+there was a general feeling that the physician would be none the worse for
+a dose of his own prescription.
+
+Cheers greeted little Mr. STEPHEN WALSH as he stepped to the Table to give
+his first answer as Parliamentary Secretary to the Ministry of National
+Service. There were more cheers (in which, had etiquette permitted, the
+Press Gallery would have liked to join) when it was found that the new
+Minister needed no megaphone, every word being audible all over the House.
+And when finally he gave Mr. PRINGLE a much-needed corrective, by telling
+him that if he wanted further information he must put a Question down, the
+House cheered again. So far as a single incident enables one to judge,
+another representative of Labour has "made good."
+
+Viscount VALENTIA has gone to the Lords, and the Commons will henceforth
+miss the elegant and well-groomed figure which lent distinction to a
+Treasury Bench not in these days too careful of the Graces. Happily Oxford
+City has found another distinguished man to succeed him. Mr. J.A.R.
+MARRIOTT may indeed be said to have obtained a Parliamentary reputation
+even before, strictly speaking, he was a Member. Usually the taking of the
+oath is a private affair between the neophyte and the Clerk, and the House
+hears nothing more than a confused murmur before the ceremony is concluded
+by the new Member kissing the Book or--more often in these days--adopting
+the Scottish fashion of holding up the right hand. Oxford's elect would
+have none of this. Like the Highland chieftain, "she just stude in the
+middle of ta fluir and swoor at lairge." Not since Mr. BRADLAUGH insisted
+upon administering the oath to himself has the House been so much stirred;
+even Members loitering in the Lobby could almost have heard the ringing
+tones in which Mr. MARRIOTT proclaimed his allegiance to our Sovereign
+Lord, KING GEORGE THE FIFTH.
+
+_Tuesday, April 3rd_.--Mr. KING really displays a good deal of ingenuity in
+his endeavours to get men out of the Army. His latest notion is that all
+Commanding Officers at home should be ordered to give leave to those men
+who have gardens so that they may return to cultivate them. There would, no
+doubt, be a remarkable development of horticultural enthusiasm among our
+home forces if the War Office were to smile upon the idea; but, though
+fully alive to the value of food-production, the UNDER-SECRETARY was unable
+to assent to this wide extension of "agricultural furlough."
+
+A request by the Press Bureau that newspapers would submit for its approval
+any articles dealing with disputes in the coal-trade gave umbrage to
+several Members, who saw in it an attempt by the Government to fetter
+public criticism. Mr. BRACE mildly explained that the object was only to
+prevent the appearance of inaccurate statements likely to cause friction in
+an inflammable trade. When Mr. KING still protested, Mr. BRACE again showed
+that his velvet paw conceals a very serviceable weapon. "Surely the
+Honourable Member does not believe that inaccurate statements can ever be
+helpful." Then there was silence.
+
+Mr. BONAR LAW stoutly denied that the National Service scheme was a
+failure, but admitted that the Cabinet was looking into it with a view to
+its improvement. Up to the present some 220,000 men have volunteered, but
+as about half of these are already engaged on work of national importance
+Mr. NEVILLE CHAMBERLAIN is still a long way short of his hoped-for
+half-a-million ready, like the British Army, to go anywhere and do
+anything.
+
+A telegram from the British Ambassador at Washington, stating that
+President WILSON'S War-speech had been very well received, and that
+Congress was expected to take his advice, gave great satisfaction. As the
+MINISTER FOR AGRICULTURE observed, "The outlook for early potatoes may be
+doubtful, but our SPRING-RICE promises excellently."
+
+Mr. PROTHERO has made up his alleged differences with the SECRETARY OF
+STATE FOR WAR, and signalized the treaty of peace first by snuggling up to
+Mr. MACPHERSON on the Treasury Bench, and next by handsomely supporting the
+new Military Service Bill. In return the UNDER-SECRETARY FOR WAR introduced
+a much-needed amendment by which men wholly engaged on food-production may
+be exempted by the Board of Agriculture from the process of "re-combing"
+now to be applied to the rest of the population.
+
+_Wednesday, April 4th._--Mr. SNOWDEN disapproves of the selection of the
+two Labour Members who are to form part of a deputation about to proceed to
+Petrograd to convey to the Russian Government the congratulations of the
+British people. Possibly the neckties of the proposed envoys are not of a
+sufficiently sanguinary shade, or their brows are not lofty enough to
+proclaim them true "leaders of thought." The suggestion that the Member for
+Blackburn should himself be despatched to Petrograd (without a return
+ticket) has been regretfully abandoned.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Jock (in captured trench)_. "COOM AWA' UP HERE, DONAL';
+IT'S DRIER."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PREPARED FOR THE WORST.
+
+Extract from a Canadian lease-form:--
+
+    "Will during the said term keep and at its expiration leave the
+    premises in good repair (reasonable wear and tear and accidents by fire
+    or tempest expected)."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Gentleman single letterarian sportsman 5 linguages tennant pretty
+    little cottage charmingly situated between Montreux Vevey, complete
+    sanitary accommodations vicinity boat, seabaths, golf-grounds
+    excursions receives
+               PAYING GUEST
+    moderate terms, Prussians and Austro-Germans, alcoholists undesired."--
+    _Swiss Paper._
+
+We do not quite know what a single letterarian is, but he seems to be a
+person of discriminating taste.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"AVIARIES, POULTRY AND PETS.
+
+    Lady ----'s Teeth Society, Ltd.--Gas 2s., teeth at hospital prices,
+    weekly if desired."--_Daily Paper_.
+
+We are not told under which category Lady ----'s dentures come, but venture
+to point out that in these days no one should make a pet of them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MAXIMS OF THE MONTHS.
+
+(_Composed during the recent Spring snowstorm._)
+
+  From January's start to close
+  It rains or hails or sleets or snows.
+
+  For atmospherical vagaries
+  The palm perhaps is February's.
+
+  To say March exits like a lamb
+  Is Falsehood's very grandest slam.
+
+  April may smile in Patagonia,
+  But here it always breeds pneumonia.
+
+  May, alternating sun and blizzard,
+  Plays havoc with the stoutest gizzard.
+
+  No part of England is immune
+  From frost and thunder-storms in June.
+
+  Only the suicide lays by
+  His thickest hose throughout July.
+
+  August, in spite of dog-days' heat,
+  For floods is very hard to beat.
+
+  The equinoctial gales, remember,
+  Are at their worst in mid-September.
+
+  Old folk, however hale and sober,
+  Die very freely in October.
+
+  November with its clammy fogs
+  The bronchial region chokes and clogs.
+
+  December, with its dearth of sun,
+  For sheer discomfort takes the bun.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ITALIAN IN ENGLAND.
+
+In the course of a recent search for Italian conversation manuals I came
+upon one which put so strangely novel a complexion on our own tongue that,
+though it was not quite what I was seeking, I bought it. To see ourselves
+as others see us may be a difficult operation, but to hear ourselves as
+others hear us is by this little book made quite easy. Everyone knows the
+old story of the Italian who entered an East-bound omnibus in the Strand
+and asked to be put down at Kay-ahp-see-day. Well, this book should prevent
+him from doing it again.
+
+But its great attraction is the courageous personality of the protagonist
+as revealed by his various remarks. For example, most of us who are not
+linguists confine our conversations in foreign places to the necessities
+of life, rarely leaving the beaten track of bread and butter, knives and
+forks, the times of trains, cab fares, the way to the station, the way to
+the post-office, hotel prices and washing lists. And even then we disdain
+or flee from syntax. But this conversationalist embroiders and dilates.
+He is intrepid. He has no reluctances. Where we in Italy would, at the
+most, say to the _cameriere_, "_Portaci una tazza di caff�_," and think
+ourselves lucky to get it, he lures the London waiter to invite a
+disquistion on the precious berry. Thus, he begins: "C�ffi is rI-march�bl
+f�r iZ v�rE stim-i�l�tin pr�p�Rt�. Du ju n� hau it u�s disc�vvaRd?" The
+waiter very promptly and properly saying, "N�, S�r," the Italian unloads
+as follows: "U�l, ai uil t�l ju th�t iZ disc�vvar� is s�d tu h�v bin
+�ch�sci�nt bai thi f�ll�in s�rc�mstanZ. Som g�tS, hu brauS-t �p-�n thi
+pl�nt fr�m huicc thi c�ffi s�ds aR g�thaRd, ueaR �bs�rv-D bai thi
+g�thaRds tu bi �chs�dinglE u�chful, �nd �fn tu ch�paR �baut in thi nait;
+thi pr�ioR �v � n�bArin m�nnastErE, uiscin tu chip his m�nchs �u�ch �t
+th�aR mat-tins, traid if thi c�ffi ud pr�di�S thi s�m �ff�cht �p-�n th�m,
+�s it u�s �bs�rv-D tu du �p-�n thi g�tS; thi s�ch-s�s �v his �chsp�rim�nt
+l�d tu thi appr�sci�sci�n �v iZ valli�."
+
+A little later a London bookseller has the temerity to place some of the
+latest fiction before our chatty alien, but pays dearly for his rash act.
+In these words did the Italian let him have it:--"Ai du n�t laich n�v-�ls
+�t �l, bic�-S � n�v-�l is b�t � fichtisci�s t�l stof-T �v s� m�nE
+fantastical d�ds �nd n�ns�nsical w�rDs, huicc �ps�t maind �nd h�Rt.
+An-h�ppe th�-S an-u�rE j�ngh p�rs�ns, hu sp�nd th�aR pr�-sci�s taim in
+ridin n�v-�ls! Th� du n�t n� th�t n�v-�llists, g�nn�rallE spichin, aR thi
+lait�st �nd thi m�st huim-sical raittaRs, hu h�v u�st�d �nd u�st th�aR
+laif in li�dn�s."
+
+English people abroad do not, as a rule, drop aphorisms by the way; but
+our Italian loves to do so. Thus, to one stranger (in the section devoted
+to Virtues and Vices), he remarks, "Uith-aut Riligi�n ui sci�d bi u�rS
+th�n b�sts." To another, "Thi igotist sp�chs c�ntinni�allE �v himself �nd
+m�chs hims�lf thi s�ntaR �v �vv�rE thingh." And to a third, a little
+tactlessly perhaps, "Imp�lait-n�s is disg�stin." He is sententious even
+to his hatter: "� h�t sci�d bi pr�p�rsci�nD tu thi h�d �nd p�rs�n, f�r it
+is l�f-�bl tu s� � laRgg h�t �p-�n � sm�l h�d, �nd � sm�l h�t �p-�n �
+laRgg h�d." But sometimes he goes all astray. He is, for instance,
+desperately ill-informed as to English law. In England, he tells us, and
+believes the pathetic fallacy, "thi tr�ns st�rt �nd arraiv v�rE
+p�ngh-ci�AllE, �thaR-uais pass�n-gi�Rs hu arraiv-l�t f�r th�aR bis-n�s
+cud si� thi CompAnE f�r d�m-�gg-S."
+
+He is calm and collected in an emergency. Thus, to a lady who has burst
+into flames, "Bi not �fr�d, Madam," he says, "thi faiR h�s c�t jur gaun.
+L� daun �p-�n thi fl�R, �nd ju uil put aut thi faiR uith jur h�ndS." His
+presence of mind saves him from using his own hands for the purpose.
+Resourcefulness is indeed as natural to him as to Sir CHRISTOPHER WREN in
+the famous poem. "Uilliam," he says to his man, "if �nEb�dE asch-s f�r
+mi, ju uil s� th�t ai sc�l bi b�ch in � f�rt-nait."
+
+He meets Miss Butterfield.
+
+"Mis B�ttaRfild," he says, "uil ju ghiv mi � gl�s �v u�taR, if ju pl�S?"
+And that is the end of the lady. Or I think so. But there is just a
+possibility that it is she (no longer Miss Butterfield, but now a
+Signora) whom he rebukes in a coffee-house: "Mai diaR, du n�t sp�ch �v
+p�llitichs in � C�ffi-Haus, f�r n� travvEllaR, if pri�d�nt, �vvaR t�chs
+�baut p�llitichs in p�blich." And again it may be for Miss Butterfield
+that he orders a charming present (first saying it is for a lady): "Ghiv
+mi th�t ripittaR s�t uith rub�s, th�t straich-S thi aurS �nd thi
+h�f-aurS."
+
+Finally he embarks for Australia and quickly becomes as human as the rest
+of us. "Thi uind," he murmurs uneasily, "is raisin. Thi si is v�rE r�f.
+Thi m�-sci�n �v thi Stim-b�t m�ch-S mi an-u�l. Ai f�l v�rE sich. Mai h�d
+is diZZE. Ai h�v g�t � h�d-�ch." But he assures a fellow- passenger that
+there is no cause for fear, even if a storm should come on. "Du n�t bi
+�laRmD," he says; "th�aR is n� d�ngg-aR. Thi Ch�p-t�n �v this Stima-R is
+� v�rE cl�vaR m�n."
+
+His last words, addressed apparently to the rest of the passengers as
+they reach Adelaide, are these: "L�t �s m�ch h�st �nd g� tu thi
+C�st�m-HauS tu h�v aur l�gh-�ggS �ch-samint. In �str�lIa, thi C�st�m-HauS
+�ffIsaRs aR n�t h�ttE, b�t v�rE p�lait."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "I AIN'T ENOUGH PAPER TO WROP HIM UP, MISTER; BUT NO ONE'LL
+NOTICE A NOOD WURZEL IN WAR-TIME."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EMERGENCY RATIONS.
+
+In our village many disruptions have been wrought by the War, but nothing
+has ever approached the state of turveydom which came in with the system of
+daily rations.
+
+Margery brought home the first news of the revolution.
+
+"Most extraordinary thing," she said. "The Joneses have got the two old
+Miss Singleweeds staying with them."
+
+"What!" I exclaimed, swallowing my ration of mammalia in one astonished
+gulp. "Why, only two or three days ago Jones told me very privately that
+the Singleweeds were two of the most interfering, bigoted, cabbage-eating
+old cats that he had ever come across."
+
+"Cabbage-eating!" repeated Margery thoughtfully. "How stupid we are. That's
+it, of course."
+
+"What's it?"
+
+"Why, cabbage-eating. The Singleweeds haven't touched meat since I don't
+know when, so for a consideration of brussels-sprouts and a few digestive
+biscuits the Joneses will have five pounds of genuine beef to play with."
+
+"Hogs!" I said.
+
+The hospitable influence of the new scheme of rationing spread very
+rapidly. A few days later we heard that Sir Meesly Goormay, the most
+self-indulgent and incorrigible egotist in the neighbourhood, had
+introduced a collection of octogenarian aunts to his household, and, when I
+was performing my afternoon beat, I was just in time to see the butcher's
+boy, assisted by the gardener, delivering what looked to be a baron of beef
+at Sir Meesly's back door. It was an enervating and disgusting spectacle,
+well calculated to upset the _moral_ of the steadiest special in the local
+force.
+
+That night at dinner I had a Machiavellian thought.
+
+"Look here," I said, stabbing at a plate of _petit pois_ (1911) and
+mis-cueing badly, "what about having Uncle Tom to stay for a few weeks?"
+
+"Last time he came," replied Margery, "you said that nothing would induce
+you to ask him again. You haven't forgotten his chronic dyspepsia, have
+you?"
+
+"Of course not," I retorted, looking a little pained at such flagrant
+gaucherie; "but you can't cast off a respectable blood relation because he
+happens to live on charcoal and hot water."
+
+I delivered an irritable attack on a lentil pudding.
+
+"Right-O," agreed Marjory. "And I'll ask Joan as well. She won't be able to
+come until Friday, because she's having some teeth extracted on Thursday."
+
+After all Marjory is not altogether without perception.
+
+Dinner over I wrote, in my best style, a short spontaneous invitation to
+Uncle Tom. Margery wrote a more discursive one to Joan.
+
+"I think we ought to celebrate this," I suggested. "Let's be extravagant."
+
+"All right," said Margery. "What shall it be, champagne or potatoes?"
+
+Two days later I received the following:--
+
+"MY DEAR JAMES,--Thank you very much for your invitation, which I am very
+pleased to accept. The country, after all, is the proper place for old
+fogeys like myself, as it is very difficult for them to live up to the
+present-day bustle of a large city. For the last six months I have been
+doing odd jobs at a munition factory, which, I must admit, has benefited my
+health in an extraordinary manner, so much so that I have entirely lost the
+troublesome dyspepsia I suffered from, and now, you will be glad to hear, I
+am able to eat like a hunter, as we used to say. Hoping to find you all
+flourishing on Thursday next, about lunch-time,
+
+"Your affectionate
+UNCLE TOM."
+
+Instinctively I took my belt in a hole. Then Margery silently placed this
+in front of me:--
+
+"DARLING MARGERY,--How perfectly sweet of you! I shall simply love it. I am
+feeling especially beany as I have just finished with the dentist--usually
+a hateful person--who found out, after all, that it was not necessary to
+take out any of my teeth. I adore him. No time for more. Heaps to tell you
+on Friday,
+
+"Your loving
+J.J."
+
+"Hullo! Where are you off to?" I asked, as Margery made for the door.
+
+"Off to? Why, to put our names down on the Singleweeds' waiting list."
+
+I took my belt up another hole and, whistling _The Bing Boys_ out of sheer
+desperate bravado, made my gloomy way to the potato patch.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Plough Girl_. "MABEL, DO GO AND ASK THE FARMER IF WE CAN
+HAVE A SMALLER HORSE. THIS ONE'S TOO TALL FOR THE SHAFTS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A MASTER OF THE QUILL.
+
+    "Of Swinburne's personal characteristics Mr. Goose, as was to be
+    expected, writes admirably."--_Daily News and Leader_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GERMAN MEASLES.
+
+"Francesca," I said, "you must admit that at last I have you at a
+disadvantage."
+
+"I admit nothing of the sort."
+
+"Well," I said, "have you or have you not got German measles? It seems
+almost an insult to put such a question to a woman of your energy and
+brilliant intellectual capacity, but you force me to it."
+
+"Dr. Manley--"
+
+"Come, come, don't fob it off on the Doctor. He didn't wilfully provide you
+with an absurd attack of this childish disease."
+
+"No, he didn't; but when I was getting along quite nicely with the idea
+that I was suffering from a passing headache he butted in and sent me to
+bed as a German measler--and now we've all got it."
+
+"Yes," I said, "you've all got it, all my little chickens and their
+dam--you're the dam, remember that, Francesca--Muriel's got it, Nina's got
+it, Alice has got it and Frederick has got it very slightly, but he insists
+on having all the privileges of the worst kind of invalid; and you've got
+it, Francesca, and I'm left scatheless in a position of unlimited power and
+no responsibility."
+
+"Yes," she said, "it's terrible, but you will use your strength
+mercifully."
+
+"I'm not at all sure about that. At first I felt like one of those old
+prisoner Johnnies--Baron TRENCK, you know, or LATUDE--who were all shaky
+and mild when they were at last released; but now I've had time to
+think--yes, I've had time to think."
+
+"And what is the result of your thoughts?"
+
+"The result," I said, "is that I'm determined to do things thoroughly. I've
+mastered all your jealously-guarded secrets and I've allowed the strong
+wind of a man's intellect to blow through them. I am facing the cook on a
+new system and am dealing with the tradesmen in a spirit of inexorable
+resolution. The housemaid is being brought to heel and has already begun
+not to leave her brushes and dust-pans lying about on the floors of the
+library and the drawing-room. Stern measures are being taken with the
+kitchen-maid; and Parkins, that ancient servitor, is slowly being reduced
+to obedience. Even the garden is feeling the new influence and potatoes are
+being planted where no potatoes were ever planted before. Everything, in
+fact, is being reformed."
+
+"I warn you," said Francesca, "that your reforms will not be allowed to go
+on. As soon as I can get rid of the German measles I shall restore
+everything to its former condition."
+
+"But that," I said, "is the counter-revolution."
+
+"It is; and it's going to begin as soon as I get out of bed."
+
+"And what are you going to bring out of bed with you?"
+
+"Common sense," said Francesca.
+
+"Not at all," I said. "You're going to bring out of bed with you that hard
+reactionary bureaucratic spirit which all but ruined Russia and is in
+process of ruining Germany. It will be just as if the TSARITSA got loose
+and began to have her own way again. By the way, Francesca, what does one
+do when the butcher says there won't be any haunch of mutton till Tuesday,
+or when the grocer refuses you your due amount of sugar?"
+
+"A TSARITSA," said Francesca haughtily, "cannot concern herself with sugar
+or haunches of mutton."
+
+"But suppose that the TSARITSA has got German measles. Couldn't she manage
+to beat up an interest in mundane affairs?"
+
+"I'll tell you what," said Francesca.
+
+"Do," I said; "I'm dying to hear it."
+
+"Well, you'd better let the strong wind of a man's intellect blow through
+them."
+
+"What," I said--"through the haunch of mutton?"
+
+"Yes, you could do without the haunch, you know, and score off the
+butcher."
+
+"That's a sound idea. You're not so badly measled as I thought you were."
+
+"Oh," she said, "I shall soon be rid of them altogether."
+
+"To tell you the truth, I wish you'd hurry up."
+
+"Long live the counter-revolution!"
+
+"Oh, as long as you like," I said.
+
+"Have you given the children their medicine and taken their temperatures?"
+
+"I'm just off to do it," I said.
+
+R.C.L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SCENE: _A lonely road somewhere in France._
+
+_Diminutive Warrior_ (_suddenly confronted with ferocious specimen of the
+local fauna_). "LUMME! IF IT AIN'T THE REGIMENTAL COAT-OF-ARMS COME TO
+LIFE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Wady Ghuzzeh, or river of Gaza, a stream-bed which makes no large
+    assertion on the map. But it 'just divides the desert from the sewn.'"
+    --_Sunday Paper_.
+
+Being, as you might say, a mere thread.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Extracts from an article entitled "London Sights: An Australian's
+Impressions":--
+
+    "When all is over and we are back where the coyote cries ... when the
+    Rockies are looking down at us from their snowy heights, and the
+    night-time silence steals across the fir-bordered
+    foothills...."--_Sunday Times_.
+
+Yet what is all this to the longing of the Canadian for the nightly howl of
+the kangaroo and the song of the wombat flitting among the blue-gums in his
+native bush?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+According to a French philosopher mankind is divided into two categories,
+_Les Huns et les autres_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Sydney, January 2.
+
+    Concurrently with the inauguration of the new time schedule at 2 a.m.
+    on Monday a violent earth tremor was experienced at Orange. An
+    accompanying noise lasted about a half minute."--_Brisbane Courier_.
+
+Another family quarrel between [Greek: Kronos] and [Greek: G�].
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Petrograd, Wednesday,
+
+    The Council of Workmen's Delegates has issued an appeal to the
+    proletariat, which contains the following striking passage: We shall
+    defend our liberty to the utmost against all attacks within and
+    without. The Russian revolution will not quail before the bayca fwyaa,
+    mfwyawayqawyqa."--_Dublin Evening Mail_.
+
+If that won't frighten it nothing will.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "YOU WOULDN'T THINK IT TO LOOK AT 'IM, BUT WHEN I SAYS
+''ANDS UP,' 'E ANSWERS BACK IN PUFFICK ENGLISH, 'STEADY ON WITH YER
+BLINKIN' TOOTHPICK,' 'E SEZ, 'AND I'LL COME QUIET.'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+I am wondering whether, among the myriad by-products of the War, there
+should be numbered a certain note of virility hitherto (if he will forgive
+me for saying so) foreign to the literary style of Mr. E. TEMPLE THURSTON.
+Because I have certainly found _Enchantment_ (UNWIN) a far more vigorous
+and less saccharine affair than previous experience had led me to expect
+from him. For which reason I find it far and away my favourite of the
+stories by this author that I have so far encountered. I certainly think
+(for example) that not one of his Cities of Beautiful Barley-Sugar contains
+any figures so alive as those of _John Desmond_, the hard-drinking Irish
+squireen, and _Mrs. Slattery_, his adoring housekeeper. There is red blood
+in both, and not less in _Charles Stuart_, a hero whose earlier adventures
+with smugglers, secret passages and the like have an almost STEVENSONIAN
+vigour. All the life of impoverished Waterpark, with its wonderful
+drawing-room full of precarious furniture, is excellently drawn. I
+willingly allow Mr. THURSTON so much of his earlier manner as is implied in
+the (quite pleasant) conceit of the fairy-tale. The point is that the real
+tale here is neither of fairies nor of sugar dolls, but of genuine human
+beings, vastly entertaining to read about and quite convincingly credible.
+I can only entreat the author to continue this rationing of sentiment for
+our mutual benefit.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When a book rejoices in such a title as _The Amazing Years_ (HODDER AND
+STOUGHTON) and begins with a prosperous English family contemplating their
+summer holiday in August 1914, you may be tolerably certain beforehand of
+its subject-matter. When, moreover, the name on the title-page is that of
+Mr. W. PETT RIDGE, you may with equal security anticipate that, whatever
+troubles befall this English family by the way, they will eventually reach
+a happy ending, and find all for the best in the best of all genially
+humorous worlds. As indeed it proves. But of course the _Hilliers_ were
+exceptionally fortunate in the fact that when the crash came they had one
+of those quite invaluable super-domestics whom Mr. PETT RIDGE delights in
+to steer them back to prosperity. The story tells us how the KAISER
+compelled the _Hilliers_ to leave "The Croft," and how that very capable
+woman, _Miss Weston_, restored it to them again, chiefly by the aid of her
+antique shop; and to anyone who has recently been a customer in such an
+establishment this result fully explains itself. I need not further enlarge
+upon the theme of the book. Your previous knowledge of Mr. PETT RIDGE'S
+method will enable you to imagine how the various members of the _Hillier_
+household confront the changes brought by The Amazing Years; but this will
+not make you less anxious to read it for yourself in the author's own
+inimitable telling. I won't call this his best novel; now and again,
+indeed, there seemed rather too much padding for so slender a plot; but,
+take it for all in all, and bearing in mind the strange fact that we all
+love to read about events with which we are already familiar, I can at
+least promise you a cheery and optimistic entertainment.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Jan Ross_, grey-haired at twenty-seven, but sweet of face and of a most
+taking way, found herself unexpectedly confronted, a year or two ago, with
+a "job." It was eventually to include the looking after a certain _Peter_,
+of the Indian Civil Service, a thoroughly good sort, who by now is making
+her as happy as she deserves; but in the first place it meant the care of a
+little motherless niece and nephew and their protection from a scoundrelly
+father. How successfully she has been doing it and what charmingly human
+babies are her charges, _Tony_ and _Fay_, you will realise when I say that
+it is Mrs. L. ALLEN HARKER who has been telling me all about _Jan and Her
+Job_ (MURRAY). You will understand, too, how pleasantly peaceful, how
+utterly removed from the artificially forced crispness of the special
+correspondent, is the telling of the story; but you must read it yourself
+to learn how simply and naturally the writer has used the coming of the War
+for her last chapter, and above all to get to know not only _Jan_ herself
+but also that most loyal of comrades, her pal _Meg_. _Meg_, indeed, is
+almost as much in the middle of the stage as the friend whose nursemaid she
+has elected to become; and as the completion of her own private happiness
+has to remain in doubt until the coming of peace, since Mrs. HARKER has
+resolutely refused to guarantee the survival of the soldier-sweetheart, you
+must join me in wishing him the best of good fortune. He is still rubbing
+it into the Bosches. Perhaps some day the author will be able to reassure
+us.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When I have said that _Twentieth-Century France_ (CHAPMAN AND HALL) is
+rather over-weighted by its title my grumble is made. To deal adequately
+with twentieth-century France in a volume of little more than two hundred
+amply-margined pages is beyond the powers of Miss M. BETHAM-EDWARDS or of
+any other writer. But, under any title, whatever she writes about France
+must be worth reading, and to-day of all times the French need to be
+explained to us almost as much as we need to be explained to them. Miss
+BETHAM-EDWARDS can be trusted to do this good work with admirable sympathy
+and discretion. Here she writes intimately of many people whose names are
+already household words in France. The more books we have of the kind the
+better. VOLTAIRE, we are reminded, once said that "when a Frenchman and an
+Englishman agree upon any subject we may be quite sure they have reason on
+their side." Well, they are agreeing at present upon a certain subject with
+what the Huns must regard as considerable unanimity. If in the last century
+there was any misunderstanding between us and our neighbours it is now in a
+fair way to be removed to the back of beyond; and in this removal Miss
+EDWARDS has lent a very helping hand.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+What chiefly impressed me about _Marshdikes_ (UNWIN) was what I can only
+call the blazing indiscretion of the chief characters. To begin with, you
+have a happily married young couple asking a nice man down for the week-end
+to meet a girl, and as good as telling him that the party has been
+arranged, as the advertisements put it, with a view to matrimony. Passing
+from this, we find a doctor (surely unique) blurting out to a fellow-guest
+at dinner that a mutual friend had consulted him for heart trouble. To
+crown all, when the match arranged by the young couple has got as far as an
+engagement, the wife must needs go and tell the girl that the whole affair
+was manoeuvred by herself. Which naturally upset that apple-cart. It had
+also the effect of making me a somewhat impatient spectator of the
+subsequent developments, mainly political, of the plot. I smiled, though,
+when the hero was worsted in his by-election. After all, with a set of
+supporters so destitute of elementary tact.... But, of course, I know quite
+well what is my real grievance. Miss HELEN ASHTON began her story with a
+chapter so full of sparkle that I am peevish at being disappointed of the
+comedy that this promised. Perhaps next time she will take the hint, and
+give us an entire novel in the key which, I am sure, suits her best.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_A Little World Apart_ (LANE) is one of those gentle stories that please as
+much by reminding you of others like them as by any qualities of their own.
+Indeed you might call it, with no disparagement intended, a fragrant
+pot-pourri of many rustic romances--_Our Village_, for example, and more
+than a touch of _Cranford_. Your literary memory may also suggest to you
+another scene in fiction almost startlingly like the one here, in which the
+gently-born lover (named _Arthur_) of the village beauty is forced to
+combat by her rustic suitor. Fortunately, however, Mr. GEORGE STEVENSON has
+no tragedy like that of _Hetty_ in store for his _Rose_. His picture of
+rural life is more mellow than melodramatic; and his tale reaches a happy
+end, unchequered by anything more sensational than a mild outbreak of
+scandal from the local wag-tongues. There are many pleasant, if rather
+familiar, characters; though I own to a certain sense of repletion arising
+from the elderly and domineering dowagers of fiction, of whom _Lady Crane_
+may be regarded as embodying the common form. _A Little World Apart_, in
+short, is no very sensational discovery, but good enough as a quiet corner
+for repose.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A MODEL FOR THE HUNS IN BELGIUM.
+
+NERO MAKES HIMSELF POPULAR ON A FLAG-DAY IN AID OF HOMELESS ROMANS REDUCED
+TO DESTITUTION BY THE GREAT FIRE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A VISION OF BLIGHTY.
+
+  I do not ask, when back on Blighty's shore
+    My frozen frame in liberty shall rest,
+  For pleasure to beguile the hours in store
+    With long-drawn revel or with antique jest.
+  I do not ask to probe the tedious pomp
+    And tinsel splendour of the last Revue;
+  The Fox-trot's mysteries, the giddy Romp,
+    And all such folly I would fain eschew.
+  But, propt on cushions of my long desire,
+    Deep-buried in the vastest of armchairs,
+  Let me recline what time the roaring fire
+    Consumes itself and all my former cares.
+  I shall not think nor speak, nor laugh nor weep,
+  But simply sit and sleep and sleep and sleep.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Wanted, Ladyhelp or General, for country, no bread or butter.--Apply
+    'Gay,' 'Dominion' Office."--_The Dominion_ (_Wellington, N.Z._).
+
+We congratulate the advertiser on her cheery optimism.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+152, April 11, 1917, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+***** This file should be named 14769-8.txt or 14769-8.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/7/6/14769/
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Punch, or the London Charivari, Keith
+Edkins and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+https://gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at
+https://pglaf.org/fundraising.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at https://pglaf.org
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit https://pglaf.org
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including including checks, online payments and credit card
+donations.  To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     https://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
diff --git a/old/14769-8.zip b/old/14769-8.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..86093a4
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/14769-8.zip
diff --git a/old/14769-h.zip b/old/14769-h.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..4b71932
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/14769-h.zip
diff --git a/old/14769-h/14769-h.htm b/old/14769-h/14769-h.htm
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..0acce60
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/14769-h/14769-h.htm
@@ -0,0 +1,2784 @@
+<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN"
+    "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd">
+
+<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml">
+<head>
+    <meta http-equiv="Content-Type"
+          content="text/html; charset=us-ascii" />
+
+    <title>Punch, April 11th, 1917.</title>
+    <style type="text/css">
+    /*<![CDATA[*/
+
+    <!--
+    body                 {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;}
+    p                    {text-align: justify;}
+    p.center             {text-align: center;}
+    p.author             {text-align: right; margin-top: -1em; margin-right: 5%;}
+    p.right              {text-align: right; margin-right: 5%;}
+    blockquote           {text-align: justify;}
+    h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6    {text-align: center;}
+    pre                  {font-size: 0.7em;}
+
+    hr                   {text-align: center; width: 50%;}
+    html>body hr         {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;}
+    hr.full              {width: 100%;}
+    html>body hr.full    {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;}
+    hr.short             {text-align: center; width: 20%;}
+    html>body hr.short   {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;}
+
+    .note
+    {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;}
+
+    span.pagenum
+    {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;}
+
+    .poem
+    {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;}
+    .poem .stanza        {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;}
+    .poem p              {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;}
+    .poem p.i2           {margin-left: 1em;}
+    .poem p.i4           {margin-left: 2em;}
+    .poem p.i6           {margin-left: 3em;}
+    .poem p.i8           {margin-left: 4em;}
+    .poem p.i12          {margin-left: 6em;}
+    .poem p.i16          {margin-left: 8em;}
+
+    .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft
+    {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;}
+    .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img
+                       {border: none;}
+    .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p
+                       {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;}
+    .figcenter           {margin: auto;}
+    .figright            {float: right;}
+    .figleft             {float: left;}
+    -->
+    /*]]>*/
+    </style>
+</head>
+
+<body>
+
+
+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152,
+April 11, 1917, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, April 11, 1917
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: January 23, 2005 [EBook #14769]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Punch, or the London Charivari, Keith
+Edkins and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+    <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+     OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+    <h2>Vol. 152.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+    <h2>April 11th, 1917.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page233"
+       id="page233"></a>[pg 233]</span>
+
+    <h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2>
+
+    <p>The question as to how America's army will assist the Allies
+    has not yet been decided, so that President WILSON will still
+    be glad of suggestions from our halfpenny morning papers.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>The military absentee who said he had just dined at a London
+    restaurant, and therefore did not mind going back to the
+    trenches, acted rightly in not disclosing the name of the
+    restaurant.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>The report that M. VENEZELOS was in London has been denied
+    by <i>The Daily Mail</i> and the Press Bureau. It is expected
+    that the news will at once be telegraphed to M. VENEZELOS.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>There is a proposal to shorten theatrical performances, and
+    several managers of revue, unable to determine which joke to
+    retain, have in desperation resolved to sacrifice both.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Owing to travelling and other difficulties the British
+    Association have decided not to hold their annual meeting this
+    year. Unofficially, the decision is attributed to the growing
+    prejudice against a continuance of the more frivolous forms of
+    entertainment.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>A soldier in Salonika has asked a friend in Surrey to send
+    him some flower seeds for a garden in his camp. We hear that
+    Mr. LYNCH, M.P., is convinced that this is merely an inspired
+    attempt to obscure the real object of the campaign.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>We learn with satisfaction that it is proposed to form a
+    Ministry of Health, for many of the Government Departments seem
+    to be suffering from a variety of complaints.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>In connection with a recent law case, in which a certain Mr.
+    SHAW was referred to as "one of the public," we hasten to point
+    out that it did not refer to Mr. GEORGE BERNARD SHAW, who, of
+    course, is not in that category.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>"Peanuts," says <i>The Daily Chronicle,</i> "do not seem to
+    be receiving the attention they deserve from our food experts."
+    Several of our younger readers who profess to be food experts
+    declare that they are ready to attend to all the peanuts that
+    our contemporary cares to put in their way.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>In a duel with revolvers last week two Spanish officers
+    wounded one another. We have all along maintained that duels
+    with revolvers are becoming positively dangerous.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>A cheque for twenty-five million dollars has just been
+    handed to M. BRON, Danish Minister at Washington, in payment
+    for the Danish West Indies. This, we understand, includes cost
+    of packing and delivery.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/233.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/233.png"
+             alt="This pains me much more than it does you!" /></a>
+
+
+        <p><i>Master (after the event).</i> "DO YOU KNOW, YOUNG
+        MAN, THAT THIS PAINS ME MUCH MORE THAN IT DOES YOU?"</p>
+
+        <p><i>The Terror.</i> "NO, I DIDN'T KNOW, SIR. BUT IF THAT
+        ASSERTION GENUINELY EXPRESSES YOUR CONSIDERED OPINION I
+        FEEL VERY MUCH BETTER."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>There is a serious shortage of margarine and many people
+    have been compelled to fall back on butter.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>A gossip writer states that one of the recent additions to
+    the Metropolitan Special constabulary weighs seventeen stone.
+    It is not yet decided whether he will take one beat or two.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>There is to be no General Election this year for fear that
+    it might clash with the other War.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Another military absentee having told the Thames Police
+    Court magistrate that he did not know there was a War on, it is
+    expected that the Government will have to announce the
+    fact.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>It is no longer the fashion to regard the British as a
+    degenerate race. Still it is good to know that one of our rat
+    clubs has killed no fewer than three hundred of these ferocious
+    beasts.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>A contemporary suggests that we may yet institute a system
+    of pigeon post, and thus assist the postal services. There will
+    be fine mornings when the exasperated house-holder will be
+    waiting behind the door with a shot-gun for the bird which
+    attempts to deliver the Income Tax papers.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Two litigants in the Bombay High Court have settled their
+    differences by agreeing that the sum in dispute shall be paid
+    into the War Fund. This is considered to be a marked
+    improvement on the old method of dividing it between the
+    lawyers in the case.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>"It is my supreme war aim," said Count VON ROON in the
+    Prussian House of Lords, "to keep the Throne and the Dynasty
+    sky high." Once we have knocked them sky high the Count can
+    keep them in any old place he likes.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>At a recent concert at Cripplegate Institute in aid of St.
+    Dunstan's Hostel for Blinded Soldiers, lightning sketches of
+    cats by Louis WAIN were sold by auction. The sketching of these
+    night-prowlers by lightning is, we understand, a most
+    exhilarating pursuit, but the opportunities for it are
+    comparatively rare, and most artists have to utilise the moon
+    or the searchlight.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>It is announced that owing to the shortage of paper the
+    number of propagandist pamphlets published by the German
+    Government will be diminished. The decision may also have been
+    influenced by the increasing shortage of neutrals.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Father Waring's boat became jammed while being lowered and
+        hung dangerously, but the ship's surgeon cut the cackles
+        and they descended safely."&mdash;<i>The Pioneer
+        (Allahabad)</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Another of our strong silent
+    men.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page234"
+       id="page234"></a>[pg 234]</span>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>SYMPOSIUM OF THE CENTRAL WEAKNESSES.</h2>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p class="i12">FERDIE.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>My nerves are feeling rather bad</p>
+
+            <p>About the news from Petrograd.</p>
+
+            <p>Briefly, and speaking as a Tsar,</p>
+
+            <p>I think the game has gone too far.</p>
+
+            <p>When Liberty gets on the wing</p>
+
+            <p>You cannot always stop the thing.</p>
+
+            <p>Vices from ill examples grow,</p>
+
+            <p>And I might be the next to go.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p class="i12">TINO.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Yes, what has happened over there</p>
+
+            <p>May very well occur elsewhere.</p>
+
+            <p>Fortune with me may prove as fickle as</p>
+
+            <p>It did with poor lamented NICHOLAS.</p>
+
+            <p>It was a silly thing to do</p>
+
+            <p>To ape the airs of WILLIAM TWO;</p>
+
+            <p>I cannot think what I was at,</p>
+
+            <p>Trying to be an autocrat.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p class="i12">MEHMED.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I take a very dubious tone</p>
+
+            <p>About the fate of Allah's Own.</p>
+
+            <p>The Young Turk Party's been my bane</p>
+
+            <p>And caused me hours and hours of pain;</p>
+
+            <p>But, what would be a bitterer pill,</p>
+
+            <p>There may be others younger still,</p>
+
+            <p>Who, if the facts should get about,</p>
+
+            <p>Would want to rise and throw me out.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p class="i12">FERDIE.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I don't believe that WILLIAM cares</p>
+
+            <p>One little fig for my affairs.</p>
+
+            <p>He roped me in to this concern</p>
+
+            <p>Simply to serve his private turn;</p>
+
+            <p>And never shed a single tear</p>
+
+            <p>Over my loss of Monastir.</p>
+
+            <p>For tuppence, if I saw my way,</p>
+
+            <p>I'd join the others any day.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p class="i12">TINO.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Last year (its memory still is green) O</p>
+
+            <p>How WILLIAM loved his precious TINO!</p>
+
+            <p>He talked about our family ties</p>
+
+            <p>And sent me such a lot of spies.</p>
+
+            <p>But since his foes began to squeeze</p>
+
+            <p>My guns inside the Peloponnese</p>
+
+            <p>His interest in me has ceased;</p>
+
+            <p>I do not like it in the least.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p class="i12">MEHMED.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I lent him troops when things were slack,</p>
+
+            <p>And now the beast won't pay 'em back.</p>
+
+            <p>He never mentions any "line"</p>
+
+            <p>Of HINDENBURG'S in Palestine.</p>
+
+            <p>I cannot sleep; I get such frights</p>
+
+            <p>During these dark Arabian Nights.</p>
+
+            <p>But he&mdash;he doesn't care a dem.</p>
+
+            <p>O Allah! O Jerusalem!</p>
+
+            <p class="i16">O.S.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p class="center">"THE ONE NEW SPRING FASHION.</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        Every woman who wants the most economical new garment,
+        should buy to-morrow's DAILY SKETCH."&mdash;<i>Evening
+        Standard.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>It sounds cheap, but would it wear?</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>BLANCHE'S LETTERS.</h2>
+
+    <p class="center">SOCIETY "WAR-WORKERS."</p>
+
+    <p>DEAREST DAPHNE,&mdash;The scarcity of paper isn't altogether
+    an unmixed misfortune, as far as one's correspondence is
+    concerned. Letters that don't matter, letters from the
+    insignificant and the boresome, simply aren't answered. For
+    small spur-of-the-moment notes to one's <i>intimes</i> who're
+    not too far off, there's quite a little feeling for using
+    <i>slates</i>. One writes what one's to say on one's slate
+    (which may be just as dilly a little affair as you please, with
+    plain or chased silver frame, enamelled monogram or coronet,
+    and pencil hanging by a little silver chain), and sends it by a
+    servant. When the note's been read, it's wiped off, the answer
+    written, and the slate brought back. <i>Isn't</i> that
+    fragrant? I may claim to have set this fashion. Of course a
+    very <i>voyant</i> slate is not just-so. The
+    Bullyon-Boundermere woman set up one with a deep,
+    heavily-chased gold frame, and "B.-B." at the top set with big
+    diamonds. <i>C'est bien elle!</i> She'd used it only
+    half-a-dozen times when it was snatched from her footwoman, who
+    was taking it to somebody's house, and hasn't been heard of
+    since!</p>
+
+    <p><i>People Who Matter</i> gave a double-page to illustrating
+    "War-Time Correspondence Slates of Social Leaders." <i>My</i>
+    slate's there, and Stella Clackmannan's, and Beryl's and
+    several more. &Agrave; propos, have you seen the series of
+    "Well-known War-Workers" they've been having lately in
+    <i>People Who Matter</i>? They're really quite worth while.
+    There's dear Lala Middleshire in one of those charming "Olga"
+    trench coats (khaki face-cloth lined self-coloured satin and
+    with big, lovely, gilt-and-enamelled buttons), high brown
+    boots, and one of those saucy little Belgian caps with a
+    distracting little tassel wagging in front. The pickie is
+    called "The Duchess of Middleshire Takes a War-Worker's Lunch,"
+    and dear Lala is shown standing by a table, looking so
+    <i>bravely</i> at two cutlets, a potato, a piece of war bread,
+    a piece of war cheese and a small pudding.</p>
+
+    <p>Then there's Hermione Shropshire, in a perfectly
+    <i>haunting</i> lace and taffetas morning robe, with a clock
+    near her (marked with a cross) pointing to eight o'clock! (She
+    lets her maid dress her at that hour now, so that the girl may
+    go and make munitions.) And Edelfleda Saxonbury is shown in an
+    evening gown, wearing her famous pearls. She's leaning her chin
+    on her hand and gazing with a sweet wistful look at an inset
+    view of the hostel where she's washed plates and cups quite
+    several times.</p>
+
+    <p>And last but not least there's a pickie that the journalist
+    people have dubbed, "Distinguished Society Women distinguish
+    themselves as Carpenters," <i>et voil&agrave;</i> Beryl, Babs
+    and your Blanche, in delicious cream serge overall things, with
+    hammers, planes, and saws embroidered in crewels on the big
+    square collars and turn-up cuffs, and enormously becoming
+    carpenter's caps, looking at a rest-hut we've just finished.
+    Oh, my dearest and best, you don't know what it is to
+    <i>live</i> till you've learned to <i>carpent</i>! It's
+    positively <i>enthralling</i>! When we're skilful enough we're
+    to go abroad&mdash;<i>mais il faut se taire</i>! <i>I</i> don't
+    see why we shouldn't go <i>now</i>. We're as skilful as we
+    shall ever be. And even if one or two of our huts <i>had</i> no
+    doors what's that matter? Besides, a hut with no door has a
+    tremendous pull&mdash;there wouldn't be any draughts!</p>
+
+    <p>Everyone's <i>furious</i> at the way the powers that be have
+    treated Sybil Easthampton. You know what a wonderful thing her
+    Ollyoola Love Dance is. Of course she's lived among the
+    Ollyoolas and knows them in all their moods. (They're natives
+    somewhere ever and ever so far off, where there are palms and
+    coral reefs, and the people don't believe in wrapping
+    themselves up much.) And so she's given the dance at a great
+    many War Fund matinees. That little Mrs. Jimmy Sharpe, daring
+    to criticise it, said there was too much Ollyoola and not
+    enough dance; but everybody who <i>counts</i> simply raves
+    about it. And then, when some manager person offered Sybil big
+    terms to do it at the "Incandescent," he was "officially
+    informed" that, if the Ollyoola Love Dance went into the bill
+    the "Incandescent" would be "placed out of bounds"! What do
+    you, <i>do</i> you think of that, <i>m'amie</i>? A piece of
+    sheer <i>artistry</i> like the Ollyoola Love Dance to be
+    treated so! And it's wonderful not only artistically but
+    scientifically. Each of dear Sybil's amazing wriggles and
+    squirms and crouches and springs is <i>absolutely</i>
+    true&mdash;<i>exactly</i> what an Ollyoola <i>does</i> when
+    it's in love.</p>
+
+    <p>We're all glad to think we can <i>still</i> see the Ollyoola
+    Love Dance at War Fund matin&eacute;es.</p>
+
+    <p class="center">Ever thine,<br />
+    BLANCHE.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h4>The Secrets of the Sales.</h4>
+
+    <p>"A splendid line in corsets, in fine white coutil, usually
+    sold at 14s. 11d., are offered sale at 17s. 11d.
+    each."&mdash;<i>Fashions for All.</i></p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "BRITISH HARRY THE ENEMY."&mdash;<i>Provincial Paper.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>And all this time the Germans have been under the impression
+    that it was British
+    Tommy.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page235"
+       id="page235"></a>[pg 235]</span>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/235.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/235.png"
+             alt="Alimentary Intelligence." /></a>
+
+        <h3>ALIMENTARY INTELLIGENCE.</h3>
+
+        <p>MR. PUNCH. "DO YOU CONTROL FOOD HERE?"</p>
+
+        <p>COMMISSIONAIRE. "WELL, SIR, 'CONTROL' IS PERHAPS RATHER
+        A STRONG WORD. BUT WE GIVE HINTS TO HOUSEHOLDERS, AND WE
+        ISSUE 'GRAVE WARNINGS.'"</p>
+
+        <p class="center">(Mr. Punch, however, is glad to note that
+        more drastic regulations are about to be enforced.)</p>
+    </div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page236"
+       id="page236"></a>[pg 236]</span>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>THE WATCH DOGS.</h2>
+
+    <p class="center">LIX.</p>
+
+    <p>MY DEAR CHARLES,&mdash;Reference the German withdrawal. The
+    matter is proceeding in machine-like order, and one of the
+    first great men to cross No-Man's Land was myself in the
+    noblest of cars. It was, I confess, a purely temporary and
+    fortuitous arrangement which put me in such a conveyance, but I
+    had the feeling that it was excellently fitted to my particular
+    form of greatness, and there were moments when I was so
+    enamoured of it that I was on the verge of getting into a hole
+    with it and staying hid there till the end of the War. Just the
+    right hole was provided at every cross-roads, but the driver
+    wouldn't try them and went round by the fields.</p>
+
+    <p>Of the flattened villages and the severed fruit-trees you
+    will have read as much as I have seen. It's a gruesome
+    business, but one charred village is much like another, and the
+    sight is, alas, a familiar one nowadays. For me all else was
+    forgotten in speechless admiration of the French people. Their
+    self-restraint and adaptability are beyond words. These
+    hundreds of honest people, just relieved from the domineering
+    of the Master Swine and restored to their own good France
+    again, were neither hysterical nor exhausted. They were just
+    their happy selves, very pleased about it all, standing in
+    their doorways, strolling about the market-place, watching the
+    march of events as one might watch a play. Every house had its
+    tricolor bravely flying; where they'd got them from so soon I
+    don't know, but no Frenchman ever yet failed, under any
+    circumstances, to produce exactly the right thing at exactly
+    the right moment. There was a nice old Adjoint at the Mairie
+    who wasn't for doing any business at all, with the English or
+    anyone else, until a certain formality had been observed. He
+    had a bottle of old brandy in his cellar, which somehow or
+    other had escaped the German eye these last two years. This,
+    said Monsieur, had first to be disposed of before any other
+    business could conceivably be entertained ... I gathered he had
+    risked much, everything possibly, in keeping this bottle two
+    years; but nothing on earth would induce him to retain it two
+    minutes longer.</p>
+
+    <p>Madame, the doctor's wife, approached me as a friend with a
+    request. Would I expedite a letter to her people, to announce
+    her restoration to liberty? I was at Madame's disposal. She
+    handed me the letter. I observed that the envelope was not
+    closed down. Madame's look indicated that this was intentional,
+    and her expression indicated that this was the sort of thing
+    she was used to.</p>
+
+    <p>There was no weeping, no extreme emotion. There was a
+    philosophical detachment, a very prevalent humour, and, for the
+    rest, signs of a quiet waiting for "The Day." There is only one
+    day for France, the day of the arrival of Frenchmen on German
+    soil. When the English arrive in Germany there will be nothing
+    doing, except some short and precise orders that we must salute
+    all civilians and pay double for what we buy; but when the
+    French arrive in Germany ... and Heaven send we are going to
+    help them to get well in!</p>
+
+    <p>There is a story current, turning on these events, of a
+    young German officer and an official correspondence. It just
+    possibly may be true, since even among such a rotten lot there
+    might conceivably have been one tolerable fellow. The Higher
+    Command had been much intrigued as to a church window, wanting
+    to know (in writing) exactly why and how it had been broken; or
+    rather, as it was the German Higher Command, exactly why and
+    how it had been allowed to remain unbroken. You know how these
+    affairs develop in interest and excitement as the
+    correspondence passes down and down, from one formation to
+    another, and what an air of urgency and bitterness they wear
+    when they reach the last man. In this case the young German
+    subaltern, who had no one else below him on whom to put the
+    burden of explaining in writing, took advantage of his
+    position, and wrote upon a slip, which he attached to the top
+    of the others: "To Officer Commanding British Troops. Passed to
+    you, please, as this town is now in your area...."</p>
+
+    <p>Probably the tale isn't true, for if the officer was a
+    German he must have had German blood in him, and if he had
+    German blood in him there couldn't be room for anything else,
+    certainly not for a sense of humour.</p>
+
+    <p>We stayed longer than we should have done; this was an
+    occasion upon which one could not insist on the limit of ten
+    handshakes per person. I was delayed also by the Institutrice,
+    who wanted to borrow my uniform, so that she might put it on
+    and so be in a position to start right off at once, paying
+    back. She meant it too, and I should not be surprised to hear
+    that she's been caught doing it by this time. Her mother was
+    there in great form. Asked for her opinion of the dear
+    departed, she said she had already told it to themselves and
+    saw no reason to alter it. "They make war only on women and
+    children; they are <i>l&acirc;ches</i>." My N.C.O. got out his
+    pocket-dictionary to discover the exact meaning of the word.
+    She told us he needn't trouble; it meant two months'
+    imprisonment. She had a face like a russet apple&mdash;a very
+    nice russet apple, too.</p>
+
+    <p>We didn't get away before dark, and we found it very hard to
+    discover our way about new country when large hunks of it were
+    missing altogether. One of the party would walk on to find the
+    way, and later I would go forth to find him. We could see the
+    road stretching away in front of us for kilometres; but between
+    us and it there would be twenty yards of nil.</p>
+
+    <p>However, the car eventually learnt to stand on its back
+    wheels, climb hedges and make its way home across country,
+    having confirmed its general opinion of the Bosch, that he is
+    only good at one thing, and that is destroying other people's
+    property. I am now back in comfort again, and able to remember
+    your suffering. I send herewith a slice of bully beef (one) and
+    potatoes (two), hoping that they will not be torpedoed, and
+    urging you to hang on, for we are now beginning to think of
+    moving towards Germany, if only to see, when we get there,
+    exactly what the Frenchman has been evolving in his mind all
+    this time.</p>
+
+    <p class="center">Yours ever,<br />
+    HENRY.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:33%;">
+        <a href="images/236.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/236.png"
+             alt="You're going to have the vote at last." /></a>
+
+        <p>"WELL, SO YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE THE VOTE AT LAST."</p>
+
+        <p>"OH, ONLY WOMEN OVER THIRTY, YOU KNOW."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "General Ludendorff has received the Red Eagle of the First
+        Class."&mdash;<i>Central News</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>An appropriate reward for his rapid
+    flight.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page237"
+       id="page237"></a>[pg 237]</span>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/237.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/237.png"
+             alt="I never was a barber afore" /></a>
+
+        <p><i>Customer</i>. "LOOK OUT! YOU'RE CONFOUNDEDLY
+        CLUMSY!"</p>
+
+        <p><i>New Assistant</i>. "WELL, YOU CAN'T BE PARTICKLER
+        WHAT YOU DO NOWADAYS. I NEVER WAS A BARBER AFORE, AND I
+        'ATE AND DESPISE THE JOB&mdash;SEE?"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>COMRADES.</h3>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>In every home in England you will find their wistful
+            faces,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Where, weary of adventure, lying lonely
+            by the fire,</p>
+
+            <p>Untempted by the sunlight and the call of open
+            spaces,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">They are listening, listening, listening
+            for the step of their desire.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>And, watching, we remember all the tried and never
+            failing,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The good ones and the game ones that have
+            run the years at heel;</p>
+
+            <p>Old Scamp that killed the badger single-handed by
+            the railing,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And Fan, the champion ratter, with her
+            fifty off the reel.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The bitches under Ranksboro' with hackles up for
+            slaughter,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The otter hounds on Irfon as they part
+            the alder bowers,</p>
+
+            <p>The tufters drawing to their stag above the Horner
+            Water,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The setters on Ben Lomond when the purple
+            heather flowers.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The collie climbing Cheviot to head his hill sheep
+            stringing,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The Dandie digging to his fox among the
+            Lakeside scars,</p>
+
+            <p>The Clumber in the marshes when the evening flight
+            is winging</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And the wild geese coming over through
+            the rose light and the stars.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>And my heart goes out in pity to each faithful one
+            that's fretting</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Day by day in cot or castle with his dim
+            eyes on the door.</p>
+
+            <p>In his dreams he hunts with sorrow. And for us
+            there's no forgetting</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">That he helped our love of England and he
+            hardened us for war.</p>
+
+            <p class="i16">W.H.O.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3><i>AUTRE TEMPS&mdash;AUTRES M&OElig;URS.</i></h3>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>When MOSES fought with AMALEK in days of long
+            ago,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And slew him for the glory of the
+            Lord,</p>
+
+            <p>'Is longest range artill'ry was an arrow and a
+            bow,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And 'is small arms was a barrel-lid and
+            sword;</p>
+
+            <p>But to-day 'e would 'ave done 'em in with gas,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Or blowed 'em up with just a mine or
+            so,</p>
+
+            <p>Then broken up their ranks by advancing with 'is
+            tanks,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And started 'ome to draw his D.S.O.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>When ST. GEORGE 'e went a-ridin' all naked through
+            the lands&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">You can see 'im on the back of
+            'arf-a-quid&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>'E spiked the fiery dragon with a spear in both 'is
+            'ands,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">But to-day, if 'e 'd to do what then he
+            did,</p>
+
+            <p>'E 'd roll up easy in an armoured car,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">'E 'd loose off a little Lewis gun,</p>
+
+            <p>Then 'e 'd 'oist the scaly dragon upon a G.S.
+            wagon</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And cart 'im 'ome to show the job was
+            done.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Then there weren't no airyplanes and there weren't
+            no bombs and guns;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">You just biffed the opposition on the
+            'ead.</p>
+
+            <p>If the world could take all weapons from the British
+            and the 'Uns,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Could scrap the steel, the copper and the
+            lead;</p>
+
+            <p>If we fought it out with pick-'andles and fists,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">If the good old times would only come
+            agin,</p>
+
+            <p>When there weren't no dirty trenches with their rats
+            and lice and stenches,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Why, a month 'ud see us whoopin' through
+            Berlin!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page238"
+       id="page238"></a>[pg 238]</span>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>SPOOP.</h2>
+
+    <p class="center">A REPERTORY DRAMA IN ONE ACT.</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        ["A repertory play is one that is unlikely to be
+        repeated."&mdash;<i>Old Saying</i>.]
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p class="center">CHARACTERS.</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p><i>John Bullyum, J.P.</i> (Member of the Town
+            Council of Mudslush).</p>
+
+            <p><i>Mrs. Bullyum</i> (his wife).</p>
+
+            <p><i>Janet</i> (their daughter).</p>
+
+            <p><i>David</i> (their son).</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        SCENE.&mdash;<i>The living-room of a smallish house in the
+        dullest street of a provincial suburb.</i>
+        [<i>N.B.&mdash;This merely means that practically any
+        scenery will do, provided the wall-paper is sufficiently
+        hideous. Furnish with the scourings of the
+        property-room&mdash;a great convenience for Sunday evening
+        productions.</i>] <i>The room contains rather less than the
+        usual allowance of doors and windows, thus demonstrating a
+        fine contempt for stage traditions. An electric-light,
+        disguised within a mid-Victorian gas-globe, occupies a
+        conspicuous position on one wall. You will see why
+        presently. When the curtain rises</i> Janet, <i>an awkward
+        girl of any age over thirty</i> (<i>and made up to look
+        it</i>) <i>is seated before the fire knitting. Her mother,
+        also knitting, faces her. The appearance of the elder woman
+        contains a very careful suggestion of the nearest this kind
+        of play ever gets to low-comedy.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Janet</i> (<i>glancing at clock on mantelpiece</i>). It's
+    close on nine. David is late again.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mrs. B.</i> He's aye late these nights. 'Tis the lectures
+    at the Institute that keeps him.</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        [<i>N.B.&mdash;Naturally both women speak with a pronounced
+        accent, South Lancashire if possible. Failing that,
+        anything sufficiently unlike ordinary English will
+        serve.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Janet</i>. He's that anxious to get on, is David.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mrs. B.</i> Ay, he's fair set on being a town councillor
+    one day, like thy feyther.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Janet</i> (<i>quietly</i>). That 'ud be fine.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mrs. B.</i> You'd a rare long meeting at the women's
+    guild to-night.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Janet</i> (<i>without emotion</i>). Ay. They've elected
+    me to go to Manchester on the deputation.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mrs. B.</i> You'll like that.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Janet</i> (<i>suppressing a secret pride so that it is
+    wholly imperceptible by the audience</i>). It'll be well
+    enough. I'm to go first-class. (<i>A pause.</i>) Young Mr.
+    Inkslinger is going too.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mrs. B.</i> (<i>with interest</i>). Can they spare him
+    from the boot-shop?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Janet</i>. He's left them. He's writing a play.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mrs. B.</i> (<i>concerned</i>). Dear, dear! And he used
+    to be such a steady young fellow.</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        [<i>All that matters in their conversation is now finished,
+        but as the play has got to be filled up they continue to
+        talk for some ten minutes longer. At the end of that
+        time</i>&mdash;
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Janet</i> (<i>glancing at clock again</i>). It's
+    half-past nine, and neither of they men back yet.</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        [<i>Which means that, while the attention of the audience
+        was diverted, the stage-manager must have twiddled the
+        clock-hands round from behind. This is called realism.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Mrs. B.</i> Listen! Yer feyther's comin' now.</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        [<i>A door in the far distance is heard to bang. At the
+        same instant</i> John Bullyum <i>enters quickly. He is the
+        typical British parent of repertory; that is to say, he has
+        iron-grey hair, a chin beard, a lie-down collar, and the
+        rest of his appearance is a cross between a gamekeeper and
+        an undertaker.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Bullyum</i> (<i>He is evidently in a state of some
+    excitement; speaks scornfully</i>). Well, here's a fine thing
+    happened.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mrs. B.</i> What is it, feyther?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Bully</i>, (<i>showing letter</i>). That young puppy,
+    Inkslinger, had the impudence to write me asking for our Janet.
+    But I've told him off to rights. He's nobbut a
+    boot-builder.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Janet</i> (<i>in a level voice</i>). Ye're wrong there,
+    feyther. Bob Inkslinger's a dramatist now.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Bully</i>, (<i>thunderstruck</i>). What?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Janet</i> (<i>as before</i>). He's had a play taken by
+    the Sad Sundays Society.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Bully</i>. Great Powers, a repertory dramatist! And I've
+    insulted him!&mdash;me, a town councillor. (<i>He has grown
+    white to the lips; this is not easy, but can be managed.</i>)
+    There'll be a play about me&mdash;about us, this
+    house&mdash;everything. But (<i>passionately</i>) I'll thwart
+    him yet. Janet, my girl, do thee write at once and say that I
+    withdraw my opposition to the engagement.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Janet</i> (<i>dully</i>). But I don't want the man.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Bully</i>, (<i>hectoring</i>). Am I your feyther or am I
+    not? I tell you you shall marry him. And what's more, he shan't
+    find us what he looks for. No, no (<i>with rising
+    agitation</i>), he thinks that because I'm a town councillor
+    I'm to be made game of, does he? Well, I'll learn him
+    different! (<i>Glaring round</i>) This room&mdash;it's got to
+    be changed. And you (<i>to</i> Janet) put on a short frock,
+    something lively and up-to-date&mdash;d' ye hear? At once!</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mrs. B.</i> (<i>as</i> Janet <i>only stares without
+    moving</i>). Well, I never.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Bully</i>. And let's have some books about the
+    place&mdash;BERNARD SHAW&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p><i>Janet</i> (<i>icily</i>). He's a back number now,
+    feyther.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Bully</i>. Well, whoever's the latest. Then you must go
+    to plays and dances, lots of dances. (<i>Struck with an
+    idea</i>) Where's David?</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        [<i>As he speaks</i> David <i>enters, a tall ungainly youth
+        with spectacles and a projecting brow.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>David</i>. Here I yam, feyther.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Bully</i>. It's close on ten. (<i>Hopefully</i>) Have ye
+    been at a night-club?</p>
+
+    <p><i>David</i>. I were kept late at evenin' class.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Bully</i>. Brr! (<i>In an ecstasy of fury</i>) See ye
+    belong to a night-club before the week's out. (<i>He does his
+    glare again.</i>) I'll establish frivolity and a spirit of
+    modernism in this household, if I have to take the stick to
+    every member of it.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Janet</i> (<i>springing up suddenly</i>). Feyther! (<i>A
+    pause; she collects herself for her big effort.</i>) Feyther,
+    I'm one o' they dour silent girls to whom expression comes
+    hardly, but (<i>with veiled menace</i>) when it does come it
+    means fifteen minutes' unrelieved monologue. So tak' heed.
+    We're not wanting these changes, and to be up-to-date, and all
+    that. I'm happy as I am, and so's David. He has his hope of the
+    council, and the bribes and them things. And I've my guild and
+    my friends, with their odd clothes and variable accents. That's
+    the life I want, and I won't change it. I won't&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        [<i>Quite suddenly she breaks from them and rushes out of
+        the room, slamming the door after her. The others remain
+        silent, apparently from emotion, but really to see if there
+        will be any applause. When this is settled in the negative
+        old</i> Bullyum <i>speaks again.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Bully</i>, (<i>slowly and as if with an immense
+    effort</i>). Why couldn't she wait?... She might have known we
+    wouldn't decide anything&mdash;that we never do decide
+    anything&mdash;because it would be too much like a rounded
+    climax. Well (<i>rousing himself</i>), let's put out the gas.
+    [<i>He moves heavily towards the conspicuous bracket.</i></p>
+
+    <p><i>David</i> (<i>protesting)</i>. But, feyther, 'tisn't near
+    time for bed yet.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Bully</i>, (<i>grimly</i>). Maybe; but 'tis more than
+    time play was finished. And this is how.</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        [<i>He turns the tap. A few moments later the light is
+        switched off with a faintly audible click, and upon a stage
+        in total darkness the curtain falls.</i>
+    </blockquote><span class="pagenum"><a name="page239"
+       id="page239"></a>[pg 239]</span>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/239.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/239.png"
+             alt="Do you smoke much?" /></a>
+
+        <p><i>Officer</i> (<i>anxious to pass his recruit who is
+        not shooting well</i>). "DO YOU SMOKE MUCH?"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Recruit.</i> "ABOUT A PACKET OF WOODBINES A DAY,
+        SIR."</p>
+
+        <p><i>Officer.</i> "DO YOU INHALE?" &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;
+        &nbsp; &nbsp; <i>Recruit.</i> "NOT MORE THAN A PINT A DAY,
+        SIR."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>THE WOBBLER.</h3>
+
+    <p>My friend, whom for the purpose of concealing his identity I
+    will call Wiggles, opened fire upon me on March 1st (coming in
+    like a lion) with this:</p>
+
+    <p>"DEAR WILLIAM,&mdash;I have not been well and my doctor
+    thinks it might do me good to come to Cornwall for a few weeks.
+    May I invite myself to stay with you?..."</p>
+
+    <p>I accepted his invitation, if I may put it so, and on March
+    6th received the following:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p>"DEAR WILLIAM,&mdash;I am not, as I think I said, at all
+    well, and my doctor considers I had better break the journey at
+    Plymouth, as it is a long way from Malvern to Cornwall. Would
+    you recommend me some hotels to choose from? I hope to start by
+    the middle of the month ..."</p>
+
+    <p>I recommended hotels, and on the 12th heard from him
+    again:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p>"DEAR WILLIAM,&mdash;I am very obliged to you. In this
+    severe weather my doctor says that I cannot be too careful, and
+    I doubt if I shall be able to start for ten days or so. Has
+    your house a south aspect, and is it far from the sea? I
+    require air but not wind. And could you tell me ..."</p>
+
+    <p>I told him all right, though as a guest I began to think him
+    a little <i>exigeant</i>. But he was unwell.</p>
+
+    <p>On the 17th he answered me:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p>"DEAR WILLIAM,&mdash;I understand you live <i>quite</i> in
+    the country. Would you tell me whether a doctor lives near to
+    you and whether you have a chemist within reasonable distance?
+    My doctor, who really understands my case, won't hear of my
+    starting until the wind changes: but I hope ..."</p>
+
+    <p>I drew a map showing my house, the nearest chemist's shop,
+    the doctor's surgery and a few other points of interest, such
+    as Land's End and the Lizard. This I sent to him, and on the
+    22nd he replied:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p>"DEAR WILLIAM,&mdash;I acknowledge your map with many
+    thanks. There is one more thing. My doctor insists on a very
+    special diet. Can your cook make porridge? I rely very largely
+    on porridge for breakfast and ..."</p>
+
+    <p>I saw myself smiling at Lord DEVONPORT and wired back, "Have
+    you ever known a cook who couldn't make porridge?"</p>
+
+    <p>And on the 27th he issued his ultimatum:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p>"DEAR WILLIAM,&mdash;I have consulted my doctor and he
+    thinks I ought not to tempt Providence by travelling at
+    present, so I have decided to remain in Malvern. I do hope
+    ..."</p>
+
+    <p>To this I replied:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p>"DEAR WIGGLES,&mdash;Holding as you do the old pagan view of
+    Providence, you are quite right not to tempt it. The loss is
+    mine. I hope you will soon be rather less unwell."</p>
+
+    <p>Then I went away for three days without leaving an address,
+    and when I returned it was to learn that Wiggles had arrived on
+    the previous evening. And in my study I found him, together
+    with four wires (two to say he wasn't coming and two to say he
+    was) and a table loaded with prescriptions.</p>
+
+    <p>He eats enormously.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>INKOMANIA.</h3>
+
+    <p class="center">(<i>Suggested by Mr. SIMONIS' recently
+    published volume.</i>)</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>O Street of Ink, O Street of Ink,</p>
+
+            <p>Where printers and machinsts swink</p>
+
+            <p>Amid the buzz and hum and clink;</p>
+
+            <p>By night one cannot sleep a wink,</p>
+
+            <p>There is no time to stop or think,</p>
+
+            <p>One half forgets to eat or drink,</p>
+
+            <p>One's brains are knotted in a kink,</p>
+
+            <p>One always lives upon the brink</p>
+
+            <p>Of "happenings" that strike one pink.</p>
+
+            <p>One day the dollars gaily chink,</p>
+
+            <p>The next your funds to zero shrink.</p>
+
+            <p>And yet I'm such a perfect ninc-</p>
+
+            <p>Ompoop I cannot break the link</p>
+
+            <p>That binds me to the Street of Ink.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page240"
+       id="page240"></a>[pg 240]</span>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/240.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/240.png"
+             alt="It's further along!" /></a>
+
+        <p><i>Tommy</i> (<i>to Officer who has only arrived in the
+        trench by accident</i>). "IF YOU'RE A-LOOKIN' FOR THE
+        BURIED CABLE, SIR, IT'S FURTHER ALONG."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>CHILDREN'S TALES FOR GROWN-UPS.</h3>
+
+    <p class="center">VI.</p>
+
+    <p class="center">THE CAT AND THE KING.</p>
+
+    <p>The cat looked at the King.</p>
+
+    <p>She was the boldest cat in the world, but her heart stood
+    still as she vindicated the immemorial right of her race.</p>
+
+    <p>What would the King say? What would the King do?</p>
+
+    <p>Would he call her up to sit on his royal shoulder? If so,
+    she would purr her loudest to drown the beating of her heart,
+    and she would rub her head against the royal ear. How splendid
+    to be a royal cat!</p>
+
+    <p>Or perhaps he would appoint her Mouser to the King's
+    Household, and she would keep the King's peace with tooth and
+    claw.</p>
+
+    <p>Or perhaps she would become playmate to the Royal children,
+    and live on cream and sleep all day on a silken cushion.</p>
+
+    <p>Or&mdash;and this is where her heart ceased to
+    beat&mdash;perhaps she would pay the price of her temerity and
+    the Hereditary Executioner would smite off her head.</p>
+
+    <p>She had put it boldly to the test, to sink or swim. What
+    would the King do?</p>
+
+    <p>The King rose slowly from his throne and passed out to his
+    own apartments, whilst all the Court bowed.</p>
+
+    <p>The King had not noticed the cat.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h4>The Ruling Passion.</h4>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "A Russian official accredited to this country, in an
+        interview with a representative of the Morning Post
+        yesterday, said:&mdash;Potatoes."&mdash; <i>Evening Times
+        and Echo</i> (<i>Bristol</i>).
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "I could well enter into the feelings of this lad's colonel
+        when, with a lint in his eye, he descrihimbed as 'a
+        riceless youngster.'"&mdash;<i>Civil and Military
+        Gazette</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>We fear that the insertion of the bandage in the colonel's
+    eye must have prevented him from forming a true appreciation of
+    the young fellow.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>Headline to a leading article in <i>The Evening
+    News</i>:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "WATCH ITALY AND RUSSIA."
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Extract from same:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "We ought to keep our eyes fixed on the Western front."
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Correspondents should address their inquiries to Carmelite,
+    Squinting House Square.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>HERBS OF GRACE.</h3>
+
+    <p class="center">VI.</p>
+
+    <p class="center">ROSEMARY.</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Whenas on summer days I see</p>
+
+            <p>That sacred herb, the Rosemary,</p>
+
+            <p>The which, since once Our Lady threw</p>
+
+            <p>Upon its flow'rs her robe of blue,</p>
+
+            <p>Has never shown them white again,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">But still in blue doth dress
+            them&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i8"><i>Then, oh, then</i></p>
+
+            <p><i>I think upon old friends and bless them.</i></p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>And when beside my winter fire</p>
+
+            <p>I feel its fragrant leaves suspire,</p>
+
+            <p>Hung from my hearth-beam on a hook,</p>
+
+            <p>Or laid within a quiet book</p>
+
+            <p>There to awake dear ghosts of men</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">When pages ope that press them&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i8"><i>Then, oh, then</i></p>
+
+            <p><i>I think upon old friends and bless them.</i></p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The gentle Rosemary, I wis,</p>
+
+            <p>Is Friendship's herb and Memory's.</p>
+
+            <p>Ah, ye whom this small herb of grace</p>
+
+            <p>Brings back, yet brings not face to face,</p>
+
+            <p>Yea, all who read these lines I pen,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Would ye for truth confess them?</p>
+
+            <p class="i8"><i>Then, oh, then</i></p>
+
+            <p><i>Think upon old friends and bless them.</i></p>
+        </div>
+    </div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page241"
+       id="page241"></a>[pg 241]</span>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/241.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/241.png"
+             alt="Victory First." /></a>
+
+        <h3>VICTORY FIRST.</h3>
+
+        <p>GERMAN SOCIALIST. "I HOLD OUT MY HANDS TO YOU,
+        COMRADE!"</p>
+
+        <p>RUSSIAN REVOLUTIONARY. "HOLD THEM <i>UP</i>, AND THEN I
+        MAY TALK TO YOU."</p>
+    </div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page242"
+       id="page242"></a>[pg 242]</span>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/242.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/242.png"
+             alt="The United States of Great Britain and America." />
+             </a>
+
+        <p class="center">THE UNITED STATES OF GREAT BRITAIN AND
+        AMERICA.</p>
+
+        <p><i>John Bull</i> (<i>to President Wilson</i>). "BRAVO,
+        SIR! DELIGHTED TO HAVE YOU ON OUR SIDE."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+    <p><i>Monday, April 2nd</i>.&mdash;The MINISTER OF MUNITIONS
+    informed the House that, owing to the demand for explosives,
+    there is a shortage of acid for artificial fertilisers. It is
+    rumoured that Mr. SNOWDEN, Mr. OUTHWAITE and Mr. PRINGLE,
+    feeling that it is up to them to do something useful for their
+    country, have placed at Dr. ADDISON'S disposal a selection from
+    the speeches delivered by them during the War, containing an
+    abundant supply of the necessary commodity.</p>
+
+    <p>Mr. JOSEPH MARTIN has all the migratory instincts of his
+    well-known family, and flits from East St. Pancras to British
+    Columbia and back again with engaging irregularity. On his rare
+    visits to Westminster he is always ready to impart in a
+    somewhat strident voice (another family characteristic) the
+    political wisdom that he has garnered from the New World and
+    the Old. But somehow the House fails to take him at his own
+    valuation, and when he tried to belittle the Imperial
+    Conference, on the ground that the Dominion Premier and his
+    colleagues would be much better employed at home, I think there
+    was a general feeling that the physician would be none the
+    worse for a dose of his own prescription.</p>
+
+    <p>Cheers greeted little Mr. STEPHEN WALSH as he stepped to the
+    Table to give his first answer as Parliamentary Secretary to
+    the Ministry of National Service. There were more cheers (in
+    which, had etiquette permitted, the Press Gallery would have
+    liked to join) when it was found that the new Minister needed
+    no megaphone, every word being audible all over the House. And
+    when finally he gave Mr. PRINGLE a much-needed corrective, by
+    telling him that if he wanted further information he must put a
+    Question down, the House cheered again. So far as a single
+    incident enables one to judge, another representative of Labour
+    has "made good."</p>
+
+    <p>Viscount VALENTIA has gone to the Lords, and the Commons
+    will henceforth miss the elegant and well-groomed figure which
+    lent distinction to a Treasury Bench not in these days too
+    careful of the Graces. Happily Oxford City has found another
+    distinguished man to succeed him. Mr. J.A.R. MARRIOTT may
+    indeed be said to have obtained a Parliamentary reputation even
+    before, strictly speaking, he was a Member. Usually the taking
+    of the oath is a private affair between the neophyte and the
+    Clerk, and the House hears nothing more than a confused murmur
+    before the ceremony is concluded by the new Member kissing the
+    Book or&mdash;more often in these days&mdash;adopting the
+    Scottish fashion of holding up the right hand. Oxford's elect
+    would have none of this. Like the Highland chieftain, "she just
+    stude in the middle of ta fluir and swoor at lairge." Not since
+    Mr. BRADLAUGH insisted upon administering the oath to himself
+    has the House been so much stirred; even Members loitering in
+    the Lobby could almost have heard the ringing tones in which
+    Mr. MARRIOTT proclaimed his allegiance to our Sovereign Lord,
+    KING GEORGE THE FIFTH.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Tuesday, April 3rd</i>.&mdash;Mr. KING really displays a
+    good deal of ingenuity in his endeavours to get men out of the
+    Army. His latest notion is that all Commanding Officers at home
+    should be ordered to give leave to those men who have gardens
+    so that they may return to cultivate them. There would, no
+    doubt, be a remarkable development of horticultural enthusiasm
+    among our home forces if the War Office were to smile upon the
+    idea; but, though fully alive to the value of food-production,
+    the UNDER-SECRETARY was unable to assent to this wide extension
+    of "agricultural furlough."</p>
+
+    <p>A request by the Press Bureau that newspapers would submit
+    for its approval any articles dealing with disputes in the
+    coal-trade gave umbrage to several Members, who saw in it an
+    attempt by the Government to fetter public criticism. Mr. BRACE
+    mildly explained that the object was only to prevent the
+    appearance of inaccurate statements likely to cause friction in
+    an inflammable trade. When Mr. KING still protested, Mr. BRACE
+    again showed that his velvet paw conceals a very serviceable
+    weapon. "Surely the Honourable Member does not believe that
+    inaccurate statements can ever be helpful." Then there was
+    silence.</p>
+
+    <p>Mr. BONAR LAW stoutly denied that the National Service
+    scheme was a failure, but admitted that the Cabinet was looking
+    into it with a view to its improvement. Up to the present some
+    220,000 men have volunteered, but as about half of these are
+    already engaged on work of national importance Mr. NEVILLE
+    CHAMBERLAIN is still a long way short of his hoped-for
+    half-a-million <span class="pagenum"><a name="page243"
+       id="page243"></a>[pg 243]</span> ready, like the British
+       Army, to go anywhere and do anything.</p>
+
+    <p>A telegram from the British Ambassador at Washington,
+    stating that President WILSON'S War-speech had been very well
+    received, and that Congress was expected to take his advice,
+    gave great satisfaction. As the MINISTER FOR AGRICULTURE
+    observed, "The outlook for early potatoes may be doubtful, but
+    our SPRING-RICE promises excellently."</p>
+
+    <p>Mr. PROTHERO has made up his alleged differences with the
+    SECRETARY OF STATE FOR WAR, and signalized the treaty of peace
+    first by snuggling up to Mr. MACPHERSON on the Treasury Bench,
+    and next by handsomely supporting the new Military Service
+    Bill. In return the UNDER-SECRETARY FOR WAR introduced a
+    much-needed amendment by which men wholly engaged on
+    food-production may be exempted by the Board of Agriculture
+    from the process of "re-combing" now to be applied to the rest
+    of the population.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Wednesday, April 4th.</i>&mdash;Mr. SNOWDEN disapproves
+    of the selection of the two Labour Members who are to form part
+    of a deputation about to proceed to Petrograd to convey to the
+    Russian Government the congratulations of the British people.
+    Possibly the neckties of the proposed envoys are not of a
+    sufficiently sanguinary shade, or their brows are not lofty
+    enough to proclaim them true "leaders of thought." The
+    suggestion that the Member for Blackburn should himself be
+    despatched to Petrograd (without a return ticket) has been
+    regretfully abandoned.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/243.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/243.png"
+             alt="COOM AWA' UP HERE, DONAL'!" /></a>
+
+        <p class="center"><i>Jock (in captured trench)</i>. "COOM
+        AWA' UP HERE, DONAL'; IT'S DRIER."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h4>Prepared for the Worst.</h4>
+
+    <p>Extract from a Canadian lease-form:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Will during the said term keep and at its expiration leave
+        the premises in good repair (reasonable wear and tear and
+        accidents by fire or tempest expected)."
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Gentleman single letterarian sportsman 5 linguages tennant
+        pretty little cottage charmingly situated between Montreux
+        Vevey, complete sanitary accommodations vicinity boat,
+        seabaths, golf-grounds excursions receives<br />
+         &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;
+        &nbsp; &nbsp;PAYING GUEST<br />
+         moderate terms, Prussians and Austro-Germans, alcoholists
+        undesired."&mdash;<i>Swiss Paper.</i>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>We do not quite know what a single letterarian is, but he
+    seems to be a person of discriminating taste.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p class="center">"AVIARIES, POULTRY AND PETS.</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        Lady &mdash;&mdash;'s Teeth Society, Ltd.&mdash;Gas 2s.,
+        teeth at hospital prices, weekly if
+        desired."&mdash;<i>Daily Paper</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>We are not told under which category Lady &mdash;&mdash;'s
+    dentures come, but venture to point out that in these days no
+    one should make a pet of them.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>MAXIMS OF THE MONTHS.</h3>
+
+    <p class="center">(<i>Composed during the recent Spring
+    snowstorm.</i>)</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>From January's start to close</p>
+
+            <p>It rains or hails or sleets or snows.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>For atmospherical vagaries</p>
+
+            <p>The palm perhaps is February's.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>To say March exits like a lamb</p>
+
+            <p>Is Falsehood's very grandest slam.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>April may smile in Patagonia,</p>
+
+            <p>But here it always breeds pneumonia.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>May, alternating sun and blizzard,</p>
+
+            <p>Plays havoc with the stoutest gizzard.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>No part of England is immune</p>
+
+            <p>From frost and thunder-storms in June.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Only the suicide lays by</p>
+
+            <p>His thickest hose throughout July.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>August, in spite of dog-days' heat,</p>
+
+            <p>For floods is very hard to beat.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The equinoctial gales, remember,</p>
+
+            <p>Are at their worst in mid-September.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Old folk, however hale and sober,</p>
+
+            <p>Die very freely in October.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>November with its clammy fogs</p>
+
+            <p>The bronchial region chokes and clogs.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>December, with its dearth of sun,</p>
+
+            <p>For sheer discomfort takes the bun.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page244"
+       id="page244"></a>[pg 244]</span>
+
+    <h2>THE ITALIAN IN ENGLAND.</h2>
+
+    <p>In the course of a recent search for Italian conversation
+    manuals I came upon one which put so strangely novel a
+    complexion on our own tongue that, though it was not quite what
+    I was seeking, I bought it. To see ourselves as others see us
+    may be a difficult operation, but to hear ourselves as others
+    hear us is by this little book made quite easy. Everyone knows
+    the old story of the Italian who entered an East-bound omnibus
+    in the Strand and asked to be put down at Kay-ahp-see-day.
+    Well, this book should prevent him from doing it again.</p>
+
+    <p>But its great attraction is the courageous personality of
+    the protagonist as revealed by his various remarks. For
+    example, most of us who are not linguists confine our
+    conversations in foreign places to the necessities of life,
+    rarely leaving the beaten track of bread and butter, knives and
+    forks, the times of trains, cab fares, the way to the station,
+    the way to the post-office, hotel prices and washing lists. And
+    even then we disdain or flee from syntax. But this
+    conversationalist embroiders and dilates. He is intrepid. He
+    has no reluctances. Where we in Italy would, at the most, say
+    to the <i>cameriere</i>, "<i>Portaci una tazza di
+    caff&egrave;</i>," and think ourselves lucky to get it, he
+    lures the London waiter to invite a disquistion on the precious
+    berry. Thus, he begins: "<i>C&ograve;ffi is
+    r</i><b>i</b>-<i>march&ecirc;bl f&ograve;r i</i><b>z</b>
+    <i>v&egrave;r</i><b>e</b> <i>stim-i&ugrave;l&ecirc;tin
+    pr&ograve;p&egrave;</i><b>r</b><i>t</i><b>&ecirc;</b>. <i>Du ju
+    n&ocirc; hau it u&ograve;s
+    disc&ograve;vva</i><b>r</b><i>d?</i>" The waiter very promptly
+    and properly saying, "<i>N&ocirc;, S&ocirc;r</i>," the Italian
+    unloads as follows: "<i>U&egrave;l, ai uil t&egrave;l ju
+    th&egrave;t i</i><b>z</b> <i>disc&ograve;vvar&ecirc; is
+    s&ecirc;d tu h&egrave;v bin &ograve;ch&ecirc;sci&ograve;nt bai
+    thi f&ograve;ll&ocirc;in s&ocirc;rc&ograve;mstan</i><b>z</b>.
+    <i>Som g&ocirc;t</i><b>s</b>, <i>hu brau</i><b>s</b>-<i>t
+    &ograve;p-&ograve;n thi pl&egrave;nt fr&ograve;m huicc thi
+    c&ograve;ffi s&icirc;ds a</i><b>r</b>
+    <i>g&agrave;tha</i><b>r</b><i>d, uea</i><b>r</b>
+    <i>&ograve;bs&egrave;rv</i>-<b>d</b> <i>bai thi
+    g&ocirc;tha</i><b>r</b><i>ds tu bi
+    &egrave;chs&icirc;dingl</i><b>e</b> <i>u&ecirc;chful,
+    &egrave;nd &ograve;fn tu ch&ecirc;pa</i><b>r</b>
+    <i>&egrave;baut in thi nait; thi pr&agrave;io</i><b>r</b>
+    <b>&ocirc;</b><i>v &ecirc; n&ecirc;b</i><b>a</b><i>rin
+    m&ograve;nnast</i><b>e</b><i>r</i><b>e</b>, <i>uiscin tu chip
+    his m&ograve;nchs &ecirc;u&ecirc;ch &egrave;t
+    th&egrave;a</i><b>r</b> <i>mat-tins, traid if thi c&ocirc;ffi
+    ud pr&ocirc;di&ugrave;<b>s</b> thi s&ecirc;m
+    &egrave;ff&egrave;cht &ograve;p-&ograve;n th&egrave;m,
+    &egrave;s it u&ograve;s &ograve;bs&egrave;rv</i>-<b>d</b> <i>tu
+    du &ograve;p-&ograve;n thi g&ocirc;t</i><b>s</b>; <i>thi
+    s&ograve;ch-s&egrave;s &ograve;v his
+    &egrave;chsp&egrave;rim&egrave;nt l&egrave;d tu thi
+    appr&egrave;sci&ecirc;sci&ograve;n &ograve;v i</i><b>z</b>
+    <i>valli&ugrave;.</i>"</p>
+
+    <p>A little later a London bookseller has the temerity to place
+    some of the latest fiction before our chatty alien, but pays
+    dearly for his rash act. In these words did the Italian let him
+    have it:&mdash;"<i>Ai du n&ograve;t laich n&ograve;v-&egrave;ls
+    &egrave;t &ograve;l, bic&ocirc;</i>-<b>s</b> <i>&ecirc;
+    n&ograve;v-&egrave;l is b&agrave;t &ecirc; fichtisci&ograve;s
+    t&ecirc;l stof</i>-<b>t</b> <i>&ograve;v s&ocirc;
+    m&egrave;n</i><b>e</b> <i>fantastical d&icirc;ds &egrave;nd
+    n&ograve;ns&egrave;nsical w&ograve;r</i><b>d</b><i>s, huicc
+    &ograve;ps&egrave;t maind &egrave;nd h&agrave;</i><b>r</b><i>t.
+    An-h&ecirc;ppe th&ocirc;</i>-<b>s</b>
+    <i>an-u&ecirc;r</i><b>e</b> <i>j&ograve;ngh
+    p&egrave;rs&ograve;ns, hu sp&egrave;nd th&egrave;a</i><b>r</b>
+    <i>pr&ecirc;-sci&ograve;s taim in ridin n&ograve;v-&egrave;ls!
+    Th&ecirc; du n&ograve;t n&ocirc; th&egrave;t
+    n&ograve;v-&egrave;llists, g&egrave;nn&egrave;rall</i><b>e</b>
+    <i>spichin, a</i><b>r</b> <i>thi lait&egrave;st &egrave;nd thi
+    m&ocirc;st huim-sical raitta</i><b>r</b><i>s, hu h&egrave;v
+    u&ecirc;st&egrave;d &egrave;nd u&ecirc;st
+    th&egrave;a</i><b>r</b> <i>laif in
+    li&ugrave;dn&egrave;s.</i>"</p>
+
+    <p>English people abroad do not, as a rule, drop aphorisms by
+    the way; but our Italian loves to do so. Thus, to one stranger
+    (in the section devoted to Virtues and Vices), he remarks,
+    "<i>Uith-aut Riligi&ograve;n ui sci&ugrave;d bi
+    u&ograve;r</i><b>s</b> <i>th&egrave;n b&icirc;sts.</i>" To
+    another, "<i>Thi igotist sp&icirc;chs
+    c&ograve;ntinni&ugrave;all</i><b>e</b> <i>&ograve;v himself
+    &egrave;nd m&ecirc;chs hims&egrave;lf thi
+    s&egrave;nta</i><b>r</b> <i>&ograve;v
+    &egrave;vv&egrave;r</i><b>e</b> <i>thingh.</i>" And to a third,
+    a little tactlessly perhaps, "<i>Imp&oacute;lait-n&egrave;s is
+    disg&ograve;stin.</i>" He is sententious even to his hatter:
+    "<i>&Ecirc; h&egrave;t sci&ugrave;d bi
+    pr&ocirc;p&ocirc;rsci&ograve;n</i><b>d</b> <i>tu thi h&egrave;d
+    &egrave;nd p&egrave;rs&ograve;n, f&ograve;r it is
+    l&acirc;f-&egrave;bl tu s&icirc; &ecirc; la</i><b>r</b><i>gg
+    h&egrave;t &ograve;p-&ograve;n &ecirc; sm&ograve;l h&egrave;d,
+    &egrave;nd &ecirc; sm&ograve;l h&egrave;t &ograve;p-&ograve;n
+    &ecirc; la</i><b>r</b><i>gg h&egrave;d.</i>" But sometimes he
+    goes all astray. He is, for instance, desperately ill-informed
+    as to English law. In England, he tells us, and believes the
+    pathetic fallacy, "<i>thi tr&ecirc;ns st&agrave;rt &egrave;nd
+    arraiv v&egrave;r</i><b>e</b>
+    <i>p&ograve;ngh-ci&ugrave;</i><b>a</b><i>ll</i><b>e</b>,
+    <i>&ograve;tha</i><b>r</b>-<i>uais
+    pass&egrave;n-gi&agrave;</i><b>r</b><i>s hu arraiv-l&ecirc;t
+    f&ograve;r th&egrave;a</i><b>r</b> <i>bis-n&egrave;s cud
+    si&ugrave; thi Comp</i><b>a</b><i>n</i><b>e</b> <i>f&ocirc;r
+    d&egrave;m-&ecirc;gg</i>-<b>s</b>."</p>
+
+    <p>He is calm and collected in an emergency. Thus, to a lady
+    who has burst into flames, "<i>Bi not &ecirc;fr&ecirc;d,
+    Madam</i>," he says, "<i>thi fai</i><b>r</b> <i>h&egrave;s
+    c&ograve;t jur gaun. L&eacute; daun &ograve;p-&ograve;n thi
+    fl&ograve;</i><b>r</b>, <i>&egrave;nd ju uil put aut thi
+    fai</i><b>r</b> <i>uith jur h&egrave;nd</i><b>s</b>." His
+    presence of mind saves him from using his own hands for the
+    purpose. Resourcefulness is indeed as natural to him as to Sir
+    CHRISTOPHER WREN in the famous poem. "<i>Uilliam,</i>" he says
+    to his man, "<i>if
+    &egrave;n</i><b>e</b><i>b&ograve;d</i><b>e</b> <i>asch-s
+    f&ograve;r mi, ju uil s&ecirc; th&egrave;t ai sc&egrave;l bi
+    b&egrave;ch in &ecirc; f&ograve;rt-nait.</i>"</p>
+
+    <p>He meets Miss Butterfield.</p>
+
+    <p>"<i>Mis B&ograve;tta</i><b>r</b><i>fild</i>," he says,
+    "<i>uil ju ghiv mi &ecirc; gl&agrave;s &ograve;v
+    u&ograve;ta</i><b>r</b>, <i>if ju
+    pl&icirc;</i><b>s</b><i>?</i>" And that is the end of the lady.
+    Or I think so. But there is just a possibility that it is she
+    (no longer Miss Butterfield, but now a Signora) whom he rebukes
+    in a coffee-house: "<i>Mai dia</i><b>r</b>, <i>du n&ograve;t
+    sp&iacute;ch &ograve;v p&ograve;llitichs in &ecirc;
+    C&ograve;ffi-Haus, f&ograve;r n&ograve;
+    travv</i><b>e</b><i>lla</i><b>r</b>, <i>if
+    pri&ugrave;d&egrave;nt, &egrave;vva</i><b>r</b> <i>t&ograve;chs
+    &egrave;baut p&ograve;llitichs in p&ograve;blich.</i>" And
+    again it may be for Miss Butterfield that he orders a charming
+    present (first saying it is for a lady): "<i>Ghiv mi
+    th&egrave;t ripitta</i><b>r</b> <i>s&egrave;t uith
+    rub&egrave;s, th&egrave;t straich</i>-<b>s</b> <i>thi
+    aur</i><b>s</b> <i>&egrave;nd thi
+    h&acirc;f-aur</i><b>s</b>."</p>
+
+    <p>Finally he embarks for Australia and quickly becomes as
+    human as the rest of us. "<i>Thi uind,</i>" he murmurs
+    uneasily, "<i>is raisin. Thi si is v&egrave;r</i><b>e</b>
+    <i>r&ograve;f. Thi m&ocirc;-sci&ograve;n &ograve;v thi
+    Stim-b&ocirc;t m&ecirc;ch</i>-<b>s</b> <i>mi an-u&egrave;l. Ai
+    f&icirc;l v&egrave;r</i><b>e</b> <i>sich. Mai h&egrave;d is
+    di</i><b>zze</b>. <i>Ai h&egrave;v g&ograve;t &ecirc;
+    h&egrave;d-&ecirc;ch.</i>" But he assures a fellow-passenger
+    that there is no cause for fear, even if a storm should come
+    on. "<i>Du n&ograve;t bi
+    &agrave;la</i><b>r</b><i>m</i><b>d</b>," he says;
+    "<i>th&egrave;a</i><b>r</b> <i>is n&ocirc;
+    d&ecirc;ngg-a</i><b>r</b>. <i>Thi Ch&egrave;p-t&egrave;n
+    &ograve;v this Stima</i>-<b>r</b> <i>is &egrave;
+    v&egrave;r</i><b>e</b> <i>cl&egrave;va</i><b>r</b>
+    <i>m&egrave;n."</i></p>
+
+    <p>His last words, addressed apparently to the rest of the
+    passengers as they reach Adelaide, are these: "<i>L&egrave;t
+    &ograve;s m&ecirc;ch h&ecirc;st &egrave;nd g&ocirc; tu thi
+    C&ograve;st&ograve;m-Hau</i><b>s</b> <i>tu h&egrave;v aur
+    l&ograve;gh-&ecirc;gg</i><b>s</b> <i>&egrave;ch-samint. In
+    &Ograve;str&ecirc;l</i><b>i</b><i>a, thi
+    C&ograve;st&ograve;m-Hau</i><b>s</b>
+    <i>&Ograve;ff</i><b>i</b><i>sa</i><b>r</b><i>s a</i><b>r</b>
+    <i>n&ograve;t h&ograve;tt</i><b>e</b>, <i>b&agrave;t
+    v&egrave;r</i><b>e</b> <i>p&ocirc;lait.</i>"</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/244.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/244.png"
+             alt="A nood wurzel in war-time." /></a>
+
+        <p>"I AIN'T ENOUGH PAPER TO WROP HIM UP, MISTER; BUT NO
+        ONE'LL NOTICE A NOOD WURZEL IN WAR-TIME."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>EMERGENCY RATIONS.</h2>
+
+    <p>In our village many disruptions have been wrought by the
+    War, but nothing has ever approached the state of turveydom
+    which came in with the system of daily rations.</p>
+
+    <p>Margery brought home the first news of the revolution.</p>
+
+    <p>"Most extraordinary thing," she said. "The Joneses have got
+    the two old Miss Singleweeds staying with them."</p>
+
+    <p>"What!" I exclaimed, swallowing my ration of mammalia in one
+    astonished gulp. "Why, only two or three days ago Jones told me
+    very privately that the Singleweeds were two of the most
+    interfering, bigoted, cabbage-eating
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page245"
+       id="page245"></a>[pg 245]</span> old cats that he had ever
+       come across."</p>
+
+    <p>"Cabbage-eating!" repeated Margery thoughtfully. "How stupid
+    we are. That's it, of course."</p>
+
+    <p>"What's it?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Why, cabbage-eating. The Singleweeds haven't touched meat
+    since I don't know when, so for a consideration of
+    brussels-sprouts and a few digestive biscuits the Joneses will
+    have five pounds of genuine beef to play with."</p>
+
+    <p>"Hogs!" I said.</p>
+
+    <p>The hospitable influence of the new scheme of rationing
+    spread very rapidly. A few days later we heard that Sir Meesly
+    Goormay, the most self-indulgent and incorrigible egotist in
+    the neighbourhood, had introduced a collection of octogenarian
+    aunts to his household, and, when I was performing my afternoon
+    beat, I was just in time to see the butcher's boy, assisted by
+    the gardener, delivering what looked to be a baron of beef at
+    Sir Meesly's back door. It was an enervating and disgusting
+    spectacle, well calculated to upset the <i>moral</i> of the
+    steadiest special in the local force.</p>
+
+    <p>That night at dinner I had a Machiavellian thought.</p>
+
+    <p>"Look here," I said, stabbing at a plate of <i>petit
+    pois</i> (1911) and mis-cueing badly, "what about having Uncle
+    Tom to stay for a few weeks?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Last time he came," replied Margery, "you said that nothing
+    would induce you to ask him again. You haven't forgotten his
+    chronic dyspepsia, have you?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Of course not," I retorted, looking a little pained at such
+    flagrant gaucherie; "but you can't cast off a respectable blood
+    relation because he happens to live on charcoal and hot
+    water."</p>
+
+    <p>I delivered an irritable attack on a lentil pudding.</p>
+
+    <p>"Right-O," agreed Marjory. "And I'll ask Joan as well. She
+    won't be able to come until Friday, because she's having some
+    teeth extracted on Thursday."</p>
+
+    <p>After all Marjory is not altogether without perception.</p>
+
+    <p>Dinner over I wrote, in my best style, a short spontaneous
+    invitation to Uncle Tom. Margery wrote a more discursive one to
+    Joan.</p>
+
+    <p>"I think we ought to celebrate this," I suggested. "Let's be
+    extravagant."</p>
+
+    <p>"All right," said Margery. "What shall it be, champagne or
+    potatoes?"</p>
+
+    <p>Two days later I received the following:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p>"MY DEAR JAMES,&mdash;Thank you very much for your
+    invitation, which I am very pleased to accept. The country,
+    after all, is the proper place for old fogeys like myself, as
+    it is very difficult for them to live up to the present-day
+    bustle of a large city. For the last six months I have been
+    doing odd jobs at a munition factory, which, I must admit, has
+    benefited my health in an extraordinary manner, so much so that
+    I have entirely lost the troublesome dyspepsia I suffered from,
+    and now, you will be glad to hear, I am able to eat like a
+    hunter, as we used to say. Hoping to find you all flourishing
+    on Thursday next, about lunch-time,</p>
+
+    <p class="center">"Your affectionate<br />
+    UNCLE TOM."</p>
+
+    <p>Instinctively I took my belt in a hole. Then Margery
+    silently placed this in front of me:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p>"DARLING MARGERY,&mdash;How perfectly sweet of you! I shall
+    simply love it. I am feeling especially beany as I have just
+    finished with the dentist&mdash;usually a hateful
+    person&mdash;who found out, after all, that it was not
+    necessary to take out any of my teeth. I adore him. No time for
+    more. Heaps to tell you on Friday,</p>
+
+    <p class="center">"Your loving<br />
+    J.J."</p>
+
+    <p>"Hullo! Where are you off to?" I asked, as Margery made for
+    the door.</p>
+
+    <p>"Off to? Why, to put our names down on the Singleweeds'
+    waiting list."</p>
+
+    <p>I took my belt up another hole and, whistling <i>The Bing
+    Boys</i> out of sheer desperate bravado, made my gloomy way to
+    the potato patch.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/245.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/245.png"
+             alt="Ask the farmer if we can have a smaller horse." />
+             </a>
+
+        <p><i>Plough Girl</i>. "MABEL, DO GO AND ASK THE FARMER IF
+        WE CAN HAVE A SMALLER HORSE. THIS ONE'S TOO TALL FOR THE
+        SHAFTS."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h4>A Master of the Quill.</h4>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Of Swinburne's personal characteristics Mr. Goose, as was
+        to be expected, writes admirably."&mdash;<i>Daily News and
+        Leader</i>.
+    </blockquote><span class="pagenum"><a name="page246"
+       id="page246"></a>[pg 246]</span>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>GERMAN MEASLES.</h2>
+
+    <p>"Francesca," I said, "you must admit that at last I have you
+    at a disadvantage."</p>
+
+    <p>"I admit nothing of the sort."</p>
+
+    <p>"Well," I said, "have you or have you not got German
+    measles? It seems almost an insult to put such a question to a
+    woman of your energy and brilliant intellectual capacity, but
+    you force me to it."</p>
+
+    <p>"Dr. Manley&mdash;"</p>
+
+    <p>"Come, come, don't fob it off on the Doctor. He didn't
+    wilfully provide you with an absurd attack of this childish
+    disease."</p>
+
+    <p>"No, he didn't; but when I was getting along quite nicely
+    with the idea that I was suffering from a passing headache he
+    butted in and sent me to bed as a German measler&mdash;and now
+    we've all got it."</p>
+
+    <p>"Yes," I said, "you've all got it, all my little chickens
+    and their dam&mdash;you're the dam, remember that,
+    Francesca&mdash;Muriel's got it, Nina's got it, Alice has got
+    it and Frederick has got it very slightly, but he insists on
+    having all the privileges of the worst kind of invalid; and
+    you've got it, Francesca, and I'm left scatheless in a position
+    of unlimited power and no responsibility."</p>
+
+    <p>"Yes," she said, "it's terrible, but you will use your
+    strength mercifully."</p>
+
+    <p>"I'm not at all sure about that. At first I felt like one of
+    those old prisoner Johnnies&mdash;Baron TRENCK, you know, or
+    LATUDE&mdash;who were all shaky and mild when they were at last
+    released; but now I've had time to think&mdash;yes, I've had
+    time to think."</p>
+
+    <p>"And what is the result of your thoughts?"</p>
+
+    <p>"The result," I said, "is that I'm determined to do things
+    thoroughly. I've mastered all your jealously-guarded secrets
+    and I've allowed the strong wind of a man's intellect to blow
+    through them. I am facing the cook on a new system and am
+    dealing with the tradesmen in a spirit of inexorable
+    resolution. The housemaid is being brought to heel and has
+    already begun not to leave her brushes and dust-pans lying
+    about on the floors of the library and the drawing-room. Stern
+    measures are being taken with the kitchen-maid; and Parkins,
+    that ancient servitor, is slowly being reduced to obedience.
+    Even the garden is feeling the new influence and potatoes are
+    being planted where no potatoes were ever planted before.
+    Everything, in fact, is being reformed."</p>
+
+    <p>"I warn you," said Francesca, "that your reforms will not be
+    allowed to go on. As soon as I can get rid of the German
+    measles I shall restore everything to its former
+    condition."</p>
+
+    <p>"But that," I said, "is the counter-revolution."</p>
+
+    <p>"It is; and it's going to begin as soon as I get out of
+    bed."</p>
+
+    <p>"And what are you going to bring out of bed with you?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Common sense," said Francesca.</p>
+
+    <p>"Not at all," I said. "You're going to bring out of bed with
+    you that hard reactionary bureaucratic spirit which all but
+    ruined Russia and is in process of ruining Germany. It will be
+    just as if the TSARITSA got loose and began to have her own way
+    again. By the way, Francesca, what does one do when the butcher
+    says there won't be any haunch of mutton till Tuesday, or when
+    the grocer refuses you your due amount of sugar?"</p>
+
+    <p>"A TSARITSA," said Francesca haughtily, "cannot concern
+    herself with sugar or haunches of mutton."</p>
+
+    <p>"But suppose that the TSARITSA has got German measles.
+    Couldn't she manage to beat up an interest in mundane
+    affairs?"</p>
+
+    <p>"I'll tell you what," said Francesca.</p>
+
+    <p>"Do," I said; "I'm dying to hear it."</p>
+
+    <p>"Well, you'd better let the strong wind of a man's intellect
+    blow through them."</p>
+
+    <p>"What," I said&mdash;"through the haunch of mutton?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Yes, you could do without the haunch, you know, and score
+    off the butcher."</p>
+
+    <p>"That's a sound idea. You're not so badly measled as I
+    thought you were."</p>
+
+    <p>"Oh," she said, "I shall soon be rid of them
+    altogether."</p>
+
+    <p>"To tell you the truth, I wish you'd hurry up."</p>
+
+    <p>"Long live the counter-revolution!"</p>
+
+    <p>"Oh, as long as you like," I said.</p>
+
+    <p>"Have you given the children their medicine and taken their
+    temperatures?"</p>
+
+    <p>"I'm just off to do it," I said.</p>
+
+    <p class="center">R.C.L.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/246.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/246.png"
+             alt="The Regimental coat-of-arms come to life." /></a>
+
+
+        <p>SCENE: <i>A lonely road somewhere in France.</i></p>
+
+        <p><i>Diminutive Warrior</i> (<i>suddenly confronted with
+        ferocious specimen of the local fauna</i>). "LUMME! IF IT
+        AIN'T THE REGIMENTAL COAT-OF-ARMS COME TO LIFE!"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "The Wady Ghuzzeh, or river of Gaza, a stream-bed which
+        makes no large assertion on the map. But it 'just divides
+        the desert from the sewn.'"&mdash;<i>Sunday Paper</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Being, as you might say, a mere thread.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Extracts from an article entitled "London Sights: An
+    Australian's Impressions":&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "When all is over and we are back where the coyote cries
+        ... when the Rockies are looking down at us from their
+        snowy heights, and the night-time silence steals across the
+        fir-bordered foothills...."&mdash;<i>Sunday Times</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Yet what is all this to the longing of the Canadian for the
+    nightly howl of the kangaroo and the song of the wombat
+    flitting among the blue-gums in his native bush?</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>According to a French philosopher mankind is divided into
+    two categories, <i>Les Huns et les autres</i>.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p class="right">"Sydney, January 2.</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        Concurrently with the inauguration of the new time schedule
+        at 2 a.m. on Monday a violent earth tremor was experienced
+        at Orange. An accompanying noise lasted about a half
+        minute."&mdash;<i>Brisbane Courier</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Another family quarrel between
+    &Kappa;&rho;&omicron;&nu;&omicron;&sigmaf; and
+    &Gamma;&eta;.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p class="right">"Petrograd, Wednesday,</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        The Council of Workmen's Delegates has issued an appeal to
+        the proletariat, which contains the following striking
+        passage: We shall defend our liberty to the utmost against
+        all attacks within and without. The Russian revolution will
+        not quail before the bayca fwyaa,
+        mfwyawayqawyqa."&mdash;<i>Dublin Evening Mail</i>.
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>If that won't frighten it nothing
+    will.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page247"
+       id="page247"></a>[pg 247]</span>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/247.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/247.png"
+             alt="You wouldn't think it to look at 'im." /></a>
+
+        <p>"YOU WOULDN'T THINK IT TO LOOK AT 'IM, BUT WHEN I SAYS
+        ''ANDS UP,' 'E ANSWERS BACK IN PUFFICK ENGLISH, 'STEADY ON
+        WITH YER BLINKIN' TOOTHPICK,' 'E SEZ, 'AND I'LL COME
+        QUIET.'"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+    <p class="center">(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned
+    Clerks.</i>)</p>
+
+    <p>I am wondering whether, among the myriad by-products of the
+    War, there should be numbered a certain note of virility
+    hitherto (if he will forgive me for saying so) foreign to the
+    literary style of Mr. E. TEMPLE THURSTON. Because I have
+    certainly found <i>Enchantment</i> (UNWIN) a far more vigorous
+    and less saccharine affair than previous experience had led me
+    to expect from him. For which reason I find it far and away my
+    favourite of the stories by this author that I have so far
+    encountered. I certainly think (for example) that not one of
+    his Cities of Beautiful Barley-Sugar contains any figures so
+    alive as those of <i>John Desmond</i>, the hard-drinking Irish
+    squireen, and <i>Mrs. Slattery</i>, his adoring housekeeper.
+    There is red blood in both, and not less in <i>Charles
+    Stuart</i>, a hero whose earlier adventures with smugglers,
+    secret passages and the like have an almost STEVENSONIAN
+    vigour. All the life of impoverished Waterpark, with its
+    wonderful drawing-room full of precarious furniture, is
+    excellently drawn. I willingly allow Mr. THURSTON so much of
+    his earlier manner as is implied in the (quite pleasant)
+    conceit of the fairy-tale. The point is that the real tale here
+    is neither of fairies nor of sugar dolls, but of genuine human
+    beings, vastly entertaining to read about and quite
+    convincingly credible. I can only entreat the author to
+    continue this rationing of sentiment for our mutual
+    benefit.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>When a book rejoices in such a title as <i>The Amazing
+    Years</i> (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) and begins with a prosperous
+    English family contemplating their summer holiday in August
+    1914, you may be tolerably certain beforehand of its
+    subject-matter. When, moreover, the name on the title-page is
+    that of Mr. W. PETT RIDGE, you may with equal security
+    anticipate that, whatever troubles befall this English family
+    by the way, they will eventually reach a happy ending, and find
+    all for the best in the best of all genially humorous worlds.
+    As indeed it proves. But of course the <i>Hilliers</i> were
+    exceptionally fortunate in the fact that when the crash came
+    they had one of those quite invaluable super-domestics whom Mr.
+    PETT RIDGE delights in to steer them back to prosperity. The
+    story tells us how the KAISER compelled the <i>Hilliers</i> to
+    leave "The Croft," and how that very capable woman, <i>Miss
+    Weston</i>, restored it to them again, chiefly by the aid of
+    her antique shop; and to anyone who has recently been a
+    customer in such an establishment this result fully explains
+    itself. I need not further enlarge upon the theme of the book.
+    Your previous knowledge of Mr. PETT RIDGE'S method will enable
+    you to imagine how the various members of the <i>Hillier</i>
+    household confront the changes brought by The Amazing Years;
+    but this will not make you less anxious to read it for yourself
+    in the author's own inimitable telling. I won't call this his
+    best novel; now and again, indeed, there seemed rather too much
+    padding for so slender a plot; but, take it for all in all, and
+    bearing in mind the strange fact that we all love to read about
+    events with which we are already familiar, I can at least
+    promise you a cheery and optimistic entertainment.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p><i>Jan Ross</i>, grey-haired at twenty-seven, but sweet of
+    face and of a most taking way, found herself unexpectedly
+    confronted, a year or two ago, with a "job." It was eventually
+    to include the looking after a certain <i>Peter</i>, of the
+    Indian Civil Service, a thoroughly good sort, who by now is
+    making <span class="pagenum"><a name="page248"
+       id="page248"></a>[pg 248]</span> her as happy as she
+       deserves; but in the first place it meant the care of a
+       little motherless niece and nephew and their protection from
+       a scoundrelly father. How successfully she has been doing it
+       and what charmingly human babies are her charges,
+       <i>Tony</i> and <i>Fay</i>, you will realise when I say that
+       it is Mrs. L. ALLEN HARKER who has been telling me all about
+       <i>Jan and Her Job</i> (MURRAY). You will understand, too,
+       how pleasantly peaceful, how utterly removed from the
+       artificially forced crispness of the special correspondent,
+       is the telling of the story; but you must read it yourself
+       to learn how simply and naturally the writer has used the
+       coming of the War for her last chapter, and above all to get
+       to know not only <i>Jan</i> herself but also that most loyal
+       of comrades, her pal <i>Meg</i>. <i>Meg</i>, indeed, is
+       almost as much in the middle of the stage as the friend
+       whose nursemaid she has elected to become; and as the
+       completion of her own private happiness has to remain in
+       doubt until the coming of peace, since Mrs. HARKER has
+       resolutely refused to guarantee the survival of the
+       soldier-sweetheart, you must join me in wishing him the best
+       of good fortune. He is still rubbing it into the Bosches.
+       Perhaps some day the author will be able to reassure us.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>When I have said that <i>Twentieth-Century France</i>
+    (CHAPMAN AND HALL) is rather over-weighted by its title my
+    grumble is made. To deal adequately with twentieth-century
+    France in a volume of little more than two hundred
+    amply-margined pages is beyond the powers of Miss M.
+    BETHAM-EDWARDS or of any other writer. But, under any title,
+    whatever she writes about France must be worth reading, and
+    to-day of all times the French need to be explained to us
+    almost as much as we need to be explained to them. Miss
+    BETHAM-EDWARDS can be trusted to do this good work with
+    admirable sympathy and discretion. Here she writes intimately
+    of many people whose names are already household words in
+    France. The more books we have of the kind the better.
+    VOLTAIRE, we are reminded, once said that "when a Frenchman and
+    an Englishman agree upon any subject we may be quite sure they
+    have reason on their side." Well, they are agreeing at present
+    upon a certain subject with what the Huns must regard as
+    considerable unanimity. If in the last century there was any
+    misunderstanding between us and our neighbours it is now in a
+    fair way to be removed to the back of beyond; and in this
+    removal Miss EDWARDS has lent a very helping hand.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>What chiefly impressed me about <i>Marshdikes</i> (UNWIN)
+    was what I can only call the blazing indiscretion of the chief
+    characters. To begin with, you have a happily married young
+    couple asking a nice man down for the week-end to meet a girl,
+    and as good as telling him that the party has been arranged, as
+    the advertisements put it, with a view to matrimony. Passing
+    from this, we find a doctor (surely unique) blurting out to a
+    fellow-guest at dinner that a mutual friend had consulted him
+    for heart trouble. To crown all, when the match arranged by the
+    young couple has got as far as an engagement, the wife must
+    needs go and tell the girl that the whole affair was
+    man&oelig;uvred by herself. Which naturally upset that
+    apple-cart. It had also the effect of making me a somewhat
+    impatient spectator of the subsequent developments, mainly
+    political, of the plot. I smiled, though, when the hero was
+    worsted in his by-election. After all, with a set of supporters
+    so destitute of elementary tact.... But, of course, I know
+    quite well what is my real grievance. Miss HELEN ASHTON began
+    her story with a chapter so full of sparkle that I am peevish
+    at being disappointed of the comedy that this promised. Perhaps
+    next time she will take the hint, and give us an entire novel
+    in the key which, I am sure, suits her best.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p><i>A Little World Apart</i> (LANE) is one of those gentle
+    stories that please as much by reminding you of others like
+    them as by any qualities of their own. Indeed you might call
+    it, with no disparagement intended, a fragrant pot-pourri of
+    many rustic romances&mdash;<i>Our Village</i>, for example, and
+    more than a touch of <i>Cranford</i>. Your literary memory may
+    also suggest to you another scene in fiction almost startlingly
+    like the one here, in which the gently-born lover (named
+    <i>Arthur</i>) of the village beauty is forced to combat by her
+    rustic suitor. Fortunately, however, Mr. GEORGE STEVENSON has
+    no tragedy like that of <i>Hetty</i> in store for his
+    <i>Rose</i>. His picture of rural life is more mellow than
+    melodramatic; and his tale reaches a happy end, unchequered by
+    anything more sensational than a mild outbreak of scandal from
+    the local wag-tongues. There are many pleasant, if rather
+    familiar, characters; though I own to a certain sense of
+    repletion arising from the elderly and domineering dowagers of
+    fiction, of whom <i>Lady Crane</i> may be regarded as embodying
+    the common form. <i>A Little World Apart</i>, in short, is no
+    very sensational discovery, but good enough as a quiet corner
+    for repose.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/248.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/248.png"
+             alt="A model for the Huns in Belgium." /></a> A MODEL
+             FOR THE HUNS IN BELGIUM.
+
+        <p>NERO MAKES HIMSELF POPULAR ON A FLAG-DAY IN AID OF
+        HOMELESS ROMANS REDUCED TO DESTITUTION BY THE GREAT
+        FIRE.</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>A VISION OF BLIGHTY.</h3>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I do not ask, when back on Blighty's shore</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">My frozen frame in liberty shall
+            rest,</p>
+
+            <p>For pleasure to beguile the hours in store</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">With long-drawn revel or with antique
+            jest.</p>
+
+            <p>I do not ask to probe the tedious pomp</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And tinsel splendour of the last
+            Revue;</p>
+
+            <p>The Fox-trot's mysteries, the giddy Romp,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And all such folly I would fain
+            eschew.</p>
+
+            <p>But, propt on cushions of my long desire,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Deep-buried in the vastest of
+            armchairs,</p>
+
+            <p>Let me recline what time the roaring fire</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Consumes itself and all my former
+            cares.</p>
+
+            <p>I shall not think nor speak, nor laugh nor weep,</p>
+
+            <p>But simply sit and sleep and sleep and sleep.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        "Wanted, Ladyhelp or General, for country, no bread or
+        butter.&mdash;Apply 'Gay,' 'Dominion' Office."&mdash;<i>The
+        Dominion</i> (<i>Wellington, N.Z.</i>).
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>We congratulate the advertiser on her cheery optimism.</p>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+152, April 11, 1917, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+***** This file should be named 14769-h.htm or 14769-h.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/7/6/14769/
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Punch, or the London Charivari, Keith
+Edkins and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+https://gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at
+https://pglaf.org/fundraising.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at https://pglaf.org
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit https://pglaf.org
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including including checks, online payments and credit card
+donations.  To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     https://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
+
+
+</pre>
+
+</body>
+</html>
diff --git a/old/14769-h/images/233.png b/old/14769-h/images/233.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..e64218c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/14769-h/images/233.png
diff --git a/old/14769-h/images/235.png b/old/14769-h/images/235.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..dee3fe5
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/14769-h/images/235.png
diff --git a/old/14769-h/images/236.png b/old/14769-h/images/236.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..cfa708b
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/14769-h/images/236.png
diff --git a/old/14769-h/images/237.png b/old/14769-h/images/237.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..2597aa3
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/14769-h/images/237.png
diff --git a/old/14769-h/images/239.png b/old/14769-h/images/239.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..7efe837
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/14769-h/images/239.png
diff --git a/old/14769-h/images/240.png b/old/14769-h/images/240.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b18c0a1
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/14769-h/images/240.png
diff --git a/old/14769-h/images/241.png b/old/14769-h/images/241.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..fe1a4e9
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/14769-h/images/241.png
diff --git a/old/14769-h/images/242.png b/old/14769-h/images/242.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6e1ecf5
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/14769-h/images/242.png
diff --git a/old/14769-h/images/243.png b/old/14769-h/images/243.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..c2c4e9e
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/14769-h/images/243.png
diff --git a/old/14769-h/images/244.png b/old/14769-h/images/244.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..5ab2fbe
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/14769-h/images/244.png
diff --git a/old/14769-h/images/245.png b/old/14769-h/images/245.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..7746c29
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/14769-h/images/245.png
diff --git a/old/14769-h/images/246.png b/old/14769-h/images/246.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..c2ebe1e
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/14769-h/images/246.png
diff --git a/old/14769-h/images/247.png b/old/14769-h/images/247.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..3251bd8
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/14769-h/images/247.png
diff --git a/old/14769-h/images/248.png b/old/14769-h/images/248.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..98d0996
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/14769-h/images/248.png
diff --git a/old/14769.txt b/old/14769.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..1853f7f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/14769.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,2049 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152,
+April 11, 1917, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 152, April 11, 1917
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: January 23, 2005 [EBook #14769]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Punch, or the London Charivari, Keith
+Edkins and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 152.
+
+
+
+April 11th, 1917.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+The question as to how America's army will assist the Allies has not yet
+been decided, so that President WILSON will still be glad of suggestions
+from our halfpenny morning papers.
+
+       ***
+
+The military absentee who said he had just dined at a London restaurant,
+and therefore did not mind going back to the trenches, acted rightly in not
+disclosing the name of the restaurant.
+
+       ***
+
+The report that M. VENEZELOS was in London has been denied by _The Daily
+Mail_ and the Press Bureau. It is expected that the news will at once be
+telegraphed to M. VENEZELOS.
+
+       ***
+
+There is a proposal to shorten theatrical performances, and several
+managers of revue, unable to determine which joke to retain, have in
+desperation resolved to sacrifice both.
+
+       ***
+
+Owing to travelling and other difficulties the British Association have
+decided not to hold their annual meeting this year. Unofficially, the
+decision is attributed to the growing prejudice against a continuance of
+the more frivolous forms of entertainment.
+
+       ***
+
+A soldier in Salonika has asked a friend in Surrey to send him some flower
+seeds for a garden in his camp. We hear that Mr. LYNCH, M.P., is convinced
+that this is merely an inspired attempt to obscure the real object of the
+campaign.
+
+       ***
+
+We learn with satisfaction that it is proposed to form a Ministry of
+Health, for many of the Government Departments seem to be suffering from a
+variety of complaints.
+
+       ***
+
+In connection with a recent law case, in which a certain Mr. SHAW was
+referred to as "one of the public," we hasten to point out that it did not
+refer to Mr. GEORGE BERNARD SHAW, who, of course, is not in that category.
+
+       ***
+
+"Peanuts," says _The Daily Chronicle,_ "do not seem to be receiving the
+attention they deserve from our food experts." Several of our younger
+readers who profess to be food experts declare that they are ready to
+attend to all the peanuts that our contemporary cares to put in their way.
+
+       ***
+
+In a duel with revolvers last week two Spanish officers wounded one
+another. We have all along maintained that duels with revolvers are
+becoming positively dangerous.
+
+       ***
+
+A cheque for twenty-five million dollars has just been handed to M. BRON,
+Danish Minister at Washington, in payment for the Danish West Indies. This,
+we understand, includes cost of packing and delivery.
+
+       ***
+
+[Illustration: _Master (after the event)._ "DO YOU KNOW, YOUNG MAN, THAT
+THIS PAINS ME MUCH MORE THAN IT DOES YOU?"
+
+_The Terror._ "NO, I DIDN'T KNOW, SIR. BUT IF THAT ASSERTION GENUINELY
+EXPRESSES YOUR CONSIDERED OPINION I FEEL VERY MUCH BETTER."]
+
+       ***
+
+There is a serious shortage of margarine and many people have been
+compelled to fall back on butter.
+
+       ***
+
+A gossip writer states that one of the recent additions to the Metropolitan
+Special constabulary weighs seventeen stone. It is not yet decided whether
+he will take one beat or two.
+
+       ***
+
+There is to be no General Election this year for fear that it might clash
+with the other War.
+
+       ***
+
+Another military absentee having told the Thames Police Court magistrate
+that he did not know there was a War on, it is expected that the Government
+will have to announce the fact.
+
+       ***
+
+It is no longer the fashion to regard the British as a degenerate race.
+Still it is good to know that one of our rat clubs has killed no fewer than
+three hundred of these ferocious beasts.
+
+       ***
+
+A contemporary suggests that we may yet institute a system of pigeon post,
+and thus assist the postal services. There will be fine mornings when the
+exasperated house-holder will be waiting behind the door with a shot-gun
+for the bird which attempts to deliver the Income Tax papers.
+
+       ***
+
+Two litigants in the Bombay High Court have settled their differences by
+agreeing that the sum in dispute shall be paid into the War Fund. This is
+considered to be a marked improvement on the old method of dividing it
+between the lawyers in the case.
+
+       ***
+
+"It is my supreme war aim," said Count VON ROON in the Prussian House of
+Lords, "to keep the Throne and the Dynasty sky high." Once we have knocked
+them sky high the Count can keep them in any old place he likes.
+
+       ***
+
+At a recent concert at Cripplegate Institute in aid of St. Dunstan's Hostel
+for Blinded Soldiers, lightning sketches of cats by Louis WAIN were sold by
+auction. The sketching of these night-prowlers by lightning is, we
+understand, a most exhilarating pursuit, but the opportunities for it are
+comparatively rare, and most artists have to utilise the moon or the
+searchlight.
+
+       ***
+
+It is announced that owing to the shortage of paper the number of
+propagandist pamphlets published by the German Government will be
+diminished. The decision may also have been influenced by the increasing
+shortage of neutrals.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Father Waring's boat became jammed while being lowered and hung
+    dangerously, but the ship's surgeon cut the cackles and they descended
+    safely."--_The Pioneer (Allahabad)_
+
+Another of our strong silent men.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SYMPOSIUM OF THE CENTRAL WEAKNESSES.
+
+              FERDIE.
+
+  My nerves are feeling rather bad
+  About the news from Petrograd.
+  Briefly, and speaking as a Tsar,
+  I think the game has gone too far.
+  When Liberty gets on the wing
+  You cannot always stop the thing.
+  Vices from ill examples grow,
+  And I might be the next to go.
+
+              TINO.
+
+  Yes, what has happened over there
+  May very well occur elsewhere.
+  Fortune with me may prove as fickle as
+  It did with poor lamented NICHOLAS.
+  It was a silly thing to do
+  To ape the airs of WILLIAM TWO;
+  I cannot think what I was at,
+  Trying to be an autocrat.
+
+              MEHMED.
+
+  I take a very dubious tone
+  About the fate of Allah's Own.
+  The Young Turk Party's been my bane
+  And caused me hours and hours of pain;
+  But, what would be a bitterer pill,
+  There may be others younger still,
+  Who, if the facts should get about,
+  Would want to rise and throw me out.
+
+              FERDIE.
+
+  I don't believe that WILLIAM cares
+  One little fig for my affairs.
+  He roped me in to this concern
+  Simply to serve his private turn;
+  And never shed a single tear
+  Over my loss of Monastir.
+  For tuppence, if I saw my way,
+  I'd join the others any day.
+
+              TINO.
+
+  Last year (its memory still is green) O
+  How WILLIAM loved his precious TINO!
+  He talked about our family ties
+  And sent me such a lot of spies.
+  But since his foes began to squeeze
+  My guns inside the Peloponnese
+  His interest in me has ceased;
+  I do not like it in the least.
+
+              MEHMED.
+
+  I lent him troops when things were slack,
+  And now the beast won't pay 'em back.
+  He never mentions any "line"
+  Of HINDENBURG'S in Palestine.
+  I cannot sleep; I get such frights
+  During these dark Arabian Nights.
+  But he--he doesn't care a dem.
+  O Allah! O Jerusalem!
+                  O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE ONE NEW SPRING FASHION.
+
+    Every woman who wants the most economical new garment, should buy
+    to-morrow's DAILY SKETCH."--_Evening Standard._
+
+It sounds cheap, but would it wear?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BLANCHE'S LETTERS.
+
+SOCIETY "WAR-WORKERS."
+
+DEAREST DAPHNE,--The scarcity of paper isn't altogether an unmixed
+misfortune, as far as one's correspondence is concerned. Letters that don't
+matter, letters from the insignificant and the boresome, simply aren't
+answered. For small spur-of-the-moment notes to one's _intimes_ who're not
+too far off, there's quite a little feeling for using _slates_. One writes
+what one's to say on one's slate (which may be just as dilly a little
+affair as you please, with plain or chased silver frame, enamelled monogram
+or coronet, and pencil hanging by a little silver chain), and sends it by a
+servant. When the note's been read, it's wiped off, the answer written, and
+the slate brought back. _Isn't_ that fragrant? I may claim to have set this
+fashion. Of course a very _voyant_ slate is not just-so. The
+Bullyon-Boundermere woman set up one with a deep, heavily-chased gold
+frame, and "B.-B." at the top set with big diamonds. _C'est bien elle!_
+She'd used it only half-a-dozen times when it was snatched from her
+footwoman, who was taking it to somebody's house, and hasn't been heard of
+since!
+
+_People Who Matter_ gave a double-page to illustrating "War-Time
+Correspondence Slates of Social Leaders." _My_ slate's there, and Stella
+Clackmannan's, and Beryl's and several more. A propos, have you seen the
+series of "Well-known War-Workers" they've been having lately in _People
+Who Matter_? They're really quite worth while. There's dear Lala
+Middleshire in one of those charming "Olga" trench coats (khaki face-cloth
+lined self-coloured satin and with big, lovely, gilt-and-enamelled
+buttons), high brown boots, and one of those saucy little Belgian caps with
+a distracting little tassel wagging in front. The pickie is called "The
+Duchess of Middleshire Takes a War-Worker's Lunch," and dear Lala is shown
+standing by a table, looking so _bravely_ at two cutlets, a potato, a piece
+of war bread, a piece of war cheese and a small pudding.
+
+Then there's Hermione Shropshire, in a perfectly _haunting_ lace and
+taffetas morning robe, with a clock near her (marked with a cross) pointing
+to eight o'clock! (She lets her maid dress her at that hour now, so that
+the girl may go and make munitions.) And Edelfleda Saxonbury is shown in an
+evening gown, wearing her famous pearls. She's leaning her chin on her hand
+and gazing with a sweet wistful look at an inset view of the hostel where
+she's washed plates and cups quite several times.
+
+And last but not least there's a pickie that the journalist people have
+dubbed, "Distinguished Society Women distinguish themselves as Carpenters,"
+_et voila_ Beryl, Babs and your Blanche, in delicious cream serge overall
+things, with hammers, planes, and saws embroidered in crewels on the big
+square collars and turn-up cuffs, and enormously becoming carpenter's caps,
+looking at a rest-hut we've just finished. Oh, my dearest and best, you
+don't know what it is to _live_ till you've learned to _carpent_! It's
+positively _enthralling_! When we're skilful enough we're to go abroad--
+_mais il faut se taire_! _I_ don't see why we shouldn't go _now_. We're as
+skilful as we shall ever be. And even if one or two of our huts _had_ no
+doors what's that matter? Besides, a hut with no door has a tremendous
+pull--there wouldn't be any draughts!
+
+Everyone's _furious_ at the way the powers that be have treated Sybil
+Easthampton. You know what a wonderful thing her Ollyoola Love Dance is. Of
+course she's lived among the Ollyoolas and knows them in all their moods.
+(They're natives somewhere ever and ever so far off, where there are palms
+and coral reefs, and the people don't believe in wrapping themselves up
+much.) And so she's given the dance at a great many War Fund matinees. That
+little Mrs. Jimmy Sharpe, daring to criticise it, said there was too much
+Ollyoola and not enough dance; but everybody who _counts_ simply raves
+about it. And then, when some manager person offered Sybil big terms to do
+it at the "Incandescent," he was "officially informed" that, if the
+Ollyoola Love Dance went into the bill the "Incandescent" would be "placed
+out of bounds"! What do you, _do_ you think of that, _m'amie_? A piece of
+sheer _artistry_ like the Ollyoola Love Dance to be treated so! And it's
+wonderful not only artistically but scientifically. Each of dear Sybil's
+amazing wriggles and squirms and crouches and springs is _absolutely_
+true--_exactly_ what an Ollyoola _does_ when it's in love.
+
+We're all glad to think we can _still_ see the Ollyoola Love Dance at War
+Fund matinees.
+
+Ever thine,
+BLANCHE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SECRETS OF THE SALES.
+
+"A splendid line in corsets, in fine white coutil, usually sold at 14s.
+11d., are offered sale at 17s. 11d. each."--_Fashions for All._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "BRITISH HARRY THE ENEMY."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+And all this time the Germans have been under the impression that it was
+British Tommy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ALIMENTARY INTELLIGENCE.
+
+MR. PUNCH. "DO YOU CONTROL FOOD HERE?"
+
+COMMISSIONAIRE. "WELL, SIR, 'CONTROL' IS PERHAPS RATHER A STRONG WORD. BUT
+WE GIVE HINTS TO HOUSEHOLDERS, AND WE ISSUE 'GRAVE WARNINGS.'"
+
+(Mr. Punch, however, is glad to note that more drastic regulations are
+about to be enforced.)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WATCH DOGS.
+
+LIX.
+
+MY DEAR CHARLES,--Reference the German withdrawal. The matter is proceeding
+in machine-like order, and one of the first great men to cross No-Man's
+Land was myself in the noblest of cars. It was, I confess, a purely
+temporary and fortuitous arrangement which put me in such a conveyance, but
+I had the feeling that it was excellently fitted to my particular form of
+greatness, and there were moments when I was so enamoured of it that I was
+on the verge of getting into a hole with it and staying hid there till the
+end of the War. Just the right hole was provided at every cross-roads, but
+the driver wouldn't try them and went round by the fields.
+
+Of the flattened villages and the severed fruit-trees you will have read as
+much as I have seen. It's a gruesome business, but one charred village is
+much like another, and the sight is, alas, a familiar one nowadays. For me
+all else was forgotten in speechless admiration of the French people. Their
+self-restraint and adaptability are beyond words. These hundreds of honest
+people, just relieved from the domineering of the Master Swine and restored
+to their own good France again, were neither hysterical nor exhausted. They
+were just their happy selves, very pleased about it all, standing in their
+doorways, strolling about the market-place, watching the march of events as
+one might watch a play. Every house had its tricolor bravely flying; where
+they'd got them from so soon I don't know, but no Frenchman ever yet
+failed, under any circumstances, to produce exactly the right thing at
+exactly the right moment. There was a nice old Adjoint at the Mairie who
+wasn't for doing any business at all, with the English or anyone else,
+until a certain formality had been observed. He had a bottle of old brandy
+in his cellar, which somehow or other had escaped the German eye these last
+two years. This, said Monsieur, had first to be disposed of before any
+other business could conceivably be entertained ... I gathered he had
+risked much, everything possibly, in keeping this bottle two years; but
+nothing on earth would induce him to retain it two minutes longer.
+
+Madame, the doctor's wife, approached me as a friend with a request. Would
+I expedite a letter to her people, to announce her restoration to liberty?
+I was at Madame's disposal. She handed me the letter. I observed that the
+envelope was not closed down. Madame's look indicated that this was
+intentional, and her expression indicated that this was the sort of thing
+she was used to.
+
+There was no weeping, no extreme emotion. There was a philosophical
+detachment, a very prevalent humour, and, for the rest, signs of a quiet
+waiting for "The Day." There is only one day for France, the day of the
+arrival of Frenchmen on German soil. When the English arrive in Germany
+there will be nothing doing, except some short and precise orders that we
+must salute all civilians and pay double for what we buy; but when the
+French arrive in Germany ... and Heaven send we are going to help them to
+get well in!
+
+There is a story current, turning on these events, of a young German
+officer and an official correspondence. It just possibly may be true, since
+even among such a rotten lot there might conceivably have been one
+tolerable fellow. The Higher Command had been much intrigued as to a church
+window, wanting to know (in writing) exactly why and how it had been
+broken; or rather, as it was the German Higher Command, exactly why and how
+it had been allowed to remain unbroken. You know how these affairs develop
+in interest and excitement as the correspondence passes down and down, from
+one formation to another, and what an air of urgency and bitterness they
+wear when they reach the last man. In this case the young German subaltern,
+who had no one else below him on whom to put the burden of explaining in
+writing, took advantage of his position, and wrote upon a slip, which he
+attached to the top of the others: "To Officer Commanding British Troops.
+Passed to you, please, as this town is now in your area...."
+
+Probably the tale isn't true, for if the officer was a German he must have
+had German blood in him, and if he had German blood in him there couldn't
+be room for anything else, certainly not for a sense of humour.
+
+We stayed longer than we should have done; this was an occasion upon which
+one could not insist on the limit of ten handshakes per person. I was
+delayed also by the Institutrice, who wanted to borrow my uniform, so that
+she might put it on and so be in a position to start right off at once,
+paying back. She meant it too, and I should not be surprised to hear that
+she's been caught doing it by this time. Her mother was there in great
+form. Asked for her opinion of the dear departed, she said she had already
+told it to themselves and saw no reason to alter it. "They make war only on
+women and children; they are _laches_." My N.C.O. got out his
+pocket-dictionary to discover the exact meaning of the word. She told us he
+needn't trouble; it meant two months' imprisonment. She had a face like a
+russet apple--a very nice russet apple, too.
+
+We didn't get away before dark, and we found it very hard to discover our
+way about new country when large hunks of it were missing altogether. One
+of the party would walk on to find the way, and later I would go forth to
+find him. We could see the road stretching away in front of us for
+kilometres; but between us and it there would be twenty yards of nil.
+
+However, the car eventually learnt to stand on its back wheels, climb
+hedges and make its way home across country, having confirmed its general
+opinion of the Bosch, that he is only good at one thing, and that is
+destroying other people's property. I am now back in comfort again, and
+able to remember your suffering. I send herewith a slice of bully beef
+(one) and potatoes (two), hoping that they will not be torpedoed, and
+urging you to hang on, for we are now beginning to think of moving towards
+Germany, if only to see, when we get there, exactly what the Frenchman has
+been evolving in his mind all this time.
+
+Yours ever,
+HENRY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "WELL, SO YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE THE VOTE AT LAST."
+
+"OH, ONLY WOMEN OVER THIRTY, YOU KNOW."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "General Ludendorff has received the Red Eagle of the First Class."--
+    _Central News_.
+
+An appropriate reward for his rapid flight.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Customer_. "LOOK OUT! YOU'RE CONFOUNDEDLY CLUMSY!"
+
+_New Assistant_. "WELL, YOU CAN'T BE PARTICKLER WHAT YOU DO NOWADAYS. I
+NEVER WAS A BARBER AFORE, AND I 'ATE AND DESPISE THE JOB--SEE?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COMRADES.
+
+  In every home in England you will find their wistful faces,
+    Where, weary of adventure, lying lonely by the fire,
+  Untempted by the sunlight and the call of open spaces,
+    They are listening, listening, listening for the step of their desire.
+
+  And, watching, we remember all the tried and never failing,
+    The good ones and the game ones that have run the years at heel;
+  Old Scamp that killed the badger single-handed by the railing,
+    And Fan, the champion ratter, with her fifty off the reel.
+
+  The bitches under Ranksboro' with hackles up for slaughter,
+    The otter hounds on Irfon as they part the alder bowers,
+  The tufters drawing to their stag above the Horner Water,
+    The setters on Ben Lomond when the purple heather flowers.
+
+  The collie climbing Cheviot to head his hill sheep stringing,
+    The Dandie digging to his fox among the Lakeside scars,
+  The Clumber in the marshes when the evening flight is winging
+    And the wild geese coming over through the rose light and the stars.
+
+  And my heart goes out in pity to each faithful one that's fretting
+    Day by day in cot or castle with his dim eyes on the door.
+  In his dreams he hunts with sorrow. And for us there's no forgetting
+    That he helped our love of England and he hardened us for war.
+                  W.H.O.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_AUTRE TEMPS--AUTRES MOEURS._
+
+  When MOSES fought with AMALEK in days of long ago,
+    And slew him for the glory of the Lord,
+  'Is longest range artill'ry was an arrow and a bow,
+    And 'is small arms was a barrel-lid and sword;
+  But to-day 'e would 'ave done 'em in with gas,
+    Or blowed 'em up with just a mine or so,
+  Then broken up their ranks by advancing with 'is tanks,
+    And started 'ome to draw his D.S.O.
+
+  When ST. GEORGE 'e went a-ridin' all naked through the lands--
+    You can see 'im on the back of 'arf-a-quid--
+  'E  spiked the fiery  dragon with a spear in both 'is 'ands,
+    But to-day, if 'e 'd to do what then he did,
+  'E 'd roll up easy in an armoured car,
+    'E 'd loose off a little Lewis gun,
+  Then 'e 'd 'oist the scaly dragon upon a G.S. wagon
+    And cart 'im 'ome to show the job was done.
+
+  Then there weren't no airyplanes and there weren't no bombs and guns;
+    You just biffed the opposition on the 'ead.
+  If the world could take all weapons from the British and the 'Uns,
+    Could scrap the steel, the copper and the lead;
+  If we fought it out with pick-'andles and fists,
+    If the good old times would only come agin,
+  When there weren't no dirty trenches with their rats and lice and
+      stenches,
+    Why, a month 'ud see us whoopin' through Berlin!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SPOOP.
+
+A REPERTORY DRAMA IN ONE ACT.
+
+    ["A repertory play is one that is unlikely to be repeated."--_Old
+    Saying_.]
+
+CHARACTERS.
+
+  _John Bullyum, J.P._ (Member of the Town Council of Mudslush).
+  _Mrs. Bullyum_ (his wife).
+  _Janet_ (their daughter).
+  _David_ (their son).
+
+    SCENE.--_The living-room of a smallish house in the dullest street of a
+    provincial suburb._ [_N.B.--This merely means that practically any
+    scenery will do, provided the wall-paper is sufficiently hideous.
+    Furnish with the scourings of the property-room--a great convenience
+    for Sunday evening productions._] _The room contains rather less than
+    the usual allowance of doors and windows, thus demonstrating a fine
+    contempt for stage traditions. An electric-light, disguised within a
+    mid-Victorian gas-globe, occupies a conspicuous position on one wall.
+    You will see why presently. When the curtain rises_ Janet, _an awkward
+    girl of any age over thirty_ (_and made up to look it_) _is seated
+    before the fire knitting. Her mother, also knitting, faces her. The
+    appearance of the elder woman contains a very careful suggestion of the
+    nearest this kind of play ever gets to low-comedy._
+
+_Janet_ (_glancing at clock on mantelpiece_). It's close on nine. David is
+late again.
+
+_Mrs. B._ He's aye late these nights. 'Tis the lectures at the Institute
+that keeps him.
+
+    [_N.B.--Naturally both women speak with a pronounced accent, South
+    Lancashire if possible. Failing that, anything sufficiently unlike
+    ordinary English will serve._
+
+_Janet_. He's that anxious to get on, is David.
+
+_Mrs. B._ Ay, he's fair set on being a town councillor one day, like thy
+feyther.
+
+_Janet_ (_quietly_). That 'ud be fine.
+
+_Mrs. B._ You'd a rare long meeting at the women's guild to-night.
+
+_Janet_ (_without emotion_). Ay. They've elected me to go to Manchester on
+the deputation.
+
+_Mrs. B._ You'll like that.
+
+_Janet_ (_suppressing a secret pride so that it is wholly imperceptible by
+the audience_). It'll be well enough. I'm to go first-class. (_A pause._)
+Young Mr. Inkslinger is going too.
+
+_Mrs. B._ (_with interest_). Can they spare him from the boot-shop?
+
+_Janet_. He's left them. He's writing a play.
+
+_Mrs. B._ (_concerned_). Dear, dear! And he used to be such a steady young
+fellow.
+
+    [_All that matters in their conversation is now finished, but as the
+    play has got to be filled up they continue to talk for some ten minutes
+    longer. At the end of that time_--
+
+_Janet_ (_glancing at clock again_). It's half-past nine, and neither of
+they men back yet.
+
+    [_Which means that, while the attention of the audience was diverted,
+    the stage-manager must have twiddled the clock-hands round from behind.
+    This is called realism._
+
+_Mrs. B._ Listen! Yer feyther's comin' now.
+
+    [_A door in the far distance is heard to bang. At the same instant_
+    John Bullyum _enters quickly. He is the typical British parent of
+    repertory; that is to say, he has iron-grey hair, a chin beard, a
+    lie-down collar, and the rest of his appearance is a cross between a
+    gamekeeper and an undertaker._
+
+_Bullyum_ (_He is evidently in a state of some excitement; speaks
+scornfully_). Well, here's a fine thing happened.
+
+_Mrs. B._ What is it, feyther?
+
+_Bully_, (_showing letter_). That young puppy, Inkslinger, had the
+impudence to write me asking for our Janet. But I've told him off to
+rights. He's nobbut a boot-builder.
+
+_Janet_ (_in a level voice_). Ye're wrong there, feyther. Bob Inkslinger's
+a dramatist now.
+
+_Bully_, (_thunderstruck_). What?
+
+_Janet_ (_as before_). He's had a play taken by the Sad Sundays Society.
+
+_Bully_. Great Powers, a repertory dramatist! And I've insulted him!--me, a
+town councillor. (_He has grown white to the lips; this is not easy, but
+can be managed._) There'll be a play about me--about us, this house--
+everything. But (_passionately_) I'll thwart him yet. Janet, my girl, do
+thee write at once and say that I withdraw my opposition to the engagement.
+
+_Janet_ (_dully_). But I don't want the man.
+
+_Bully_, (_hectoring_). Am I your feyther or am I not? I tell you you shall
+marry him. And what's more, he shan't find us what he looks for. No, no
+(_with rising agitation_), he thinks that because I'm a town councillor I'm
+to be made game of, does he? Well, I'll learn him different! (_Glaring
+round_) This room--it's got to be changed. And you (_to_ Janet) put on a
+short frock, something lively and up-to-date--d' ye hear? At once!
+
+_Mrs. B._ (_as_ Janet _only stares without moving_). Well, I never.
+
+_Bully_. And let's have some books about the place--BERNARD SHAW--
+
+_Janet_ (_icily_). He's a back number now, feyther.
+
+_Bully_. Well, whoever's the latest. Then you must go to plays and dances,
+lots of dances. (_Struck with an idea_) Where's David?
+
+    [_As he speaks_ David _enters, a tall ungainly youth with spectacles
+    and a projecting brow._
+
+_David_. Here I yam, feyther.
+
+_Bully_. It's close on ten. (_Hopefully_) Have ye been at a night-club?
+
+_David_. I were kept late at evenin' class.
+
+_Bully_. Brr! (_In an ecstasy of fury_) See ye belong to a night-club
+before the week's out. (_He does his glare again._) I'll establish
+frivolity and a spirit of modernism in this household, if I have to take
+the stick to every member of it.
+
+_Janet_ (_springing up suddenly_). Feyther! (_A pause; she collects herself
+for her big effort._) Feyther, I'm one o' they dour silent girls to whom
+expression comes hardly, but (_with veiled menace_) when it does come it
+means fifteen minutes' unrelieved monologue. So tak' heed. We're not
+wanting these changes, and to be up-to-date, and all that. I'm happy as I
+am, and so's David. He has his hope of the council, and the bribes and them
+things. And I've my guild and my friends, with their odd clothes and
+variable accents. That's the life I want, and I won't change it. I won't--
+
+    [_Quite suddenly she breaks from them and rushes out of the room,
+    slamming the door after her. The others remain silent, apparently from
+    emotion, but really to see if there will be any applause. When this is
+    settled in the negative old_ Bullyum _speaks again._
+
+_Bully_, (_slowly and as if with an immense effort_). Why couldn't she
+wait?... She might have known we wouldn't decide anything--that we never do
+decide anything--because it would be too much like a rounded climax. Well
+(_rousing himself_), let's put out the gas. [_He moves heavily towards the
+conspicuous bracket._
+
+_David_ (_protesting)_. But, feyther, 'tisn't near time for bed yet.
+
+_Bully_, (_grimly_). Maybe; but 'tis more than time play was finished. And
+this is how.
+
+    [_He turns the tap. A few moments later the light is switched off with
+    a faintly audible click, and upon a stage in total darkness the curtain
+    falls._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Officer_ (_anxious to pass his recruit who is not shooting
+well_). "DO YOU SMOKE MUCH?"
+
+_Recruit._ "ABOUT A PACKET OF WOODBINES A DAY, SIR."
+
+_Officer._ "DO YOU INHALE?"       _Recruit._ "NOT MORE THAN A PINT A DAY,
+SIR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WOBBLER.
+
+My friend, whom for the purpose of concealing his identity I will call
+Wiggles, opened fire upon me on March 1st (coming in like a lion) with
+this:
+
+"DEAR WILLIAM,--I have not been well and my doctor thinks it might do me
+good to come to Cornwall for a few weeks. May I invite myself to stay with
+you?..."
+
+I accepted his invitation, if I may put it so, and on March 6th received
+the following:--
+
+"DEAR WILLIAM,--I am not, as I think I said, at all well, and my doctor
+considers I had better break the journey at Plymouth, as it is a long way
+from Malvern to Cornwall. Would you recommend me some hotels to choose
+from? I hope to start by the middle of the month ..."
+
+I recommended hotels, and on the 12th heard from him again:--
+
+"DEAR WILLIAM,--I am very obliged to you. In this severe weather my doctor
+says that I cannot be too careful, and I doubt if I shall be able to start
+for ten days or so. Has your house a south aspect, and is it far from the
+sea? I require air but not wind. And could you tell me ..."
+
+I told him all right, though as a guest I began to think him a little
+_exigeant_. But he was unwell.
+
+On the 17th he answered me:--
+
+"DEAR WILLIAM,--I understand you live _quite_ in the country. Would you
+tell me whether a doctor lives near to you and whether you have a chemist
+within reasonable distance? My doctor, who really understands my case,
+won't hear of my starting until the wind changes: but I hope ..."
+
+I drew a map showing my house, the nearest chemist's shop, the doctor's
+surgery and a few other points of interest, such as Land's End and the
+Lizard. This I sent to him, and on the 22nd he replied:--
+
+"DEAR WILLIAM,--I acknowledge your map with many thanks. There is one more
+thing. My doctor insists on a very special diet. Can your cook make
+porridge? I rely very largely on porridge for breakfast and ..."
+
+I saw myself smiling at Lord DEVONPORT and wired back, "Have you ever known
+a cook who couldn't make porridge?"
+
+And on the 27th he issued his ultimatum:--
+
+"DEAR WILLIAM,--I have consulted my doctor and he thinks I ought not to
+tempt Providence by travelling at present, so I have decided to remain in
+Malvern. I do hope ..."
+
+To this I replied:--
+
+"DEAR WIGGLES,--Holding as you do the old pagan view of Providence, you are
+quite right not to tempt it. The loss is mine. I hope you will soon be
+rather less unwell."
+
+Then I went away for three days without leaving an address, and when I
+returned it was to learn that Wiggles had arrived on the previous evening.
+And in my study I found him, together with four wires (two to say he wasn't
+coming and two to say he was) and a table loaded with prescriptions.
+
+He eats enormously.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+INKOMANIA.
+
+(_Suggested by Mr. SIMONIS' recently published volume._)
+
+  O Street of Ink, O Street of Ink,
+  Where printers and machinsts swink
+  Amid the buzz and hum and clink;
+  By night one cannot sleep a wink,
+  There is no time to stop or think,
+  One half forgets to eat or drink,
+  One's brains are knotted in a kink,
+  One always lives upon the brink
+  Of "happenings" that strike one pink.
+  One day the dollars gaily chink,
+  The next your funds to zero shrink.
+  And yet I'm such a perfect ninc-
+  Ompoop I cannot break the link
+  That binds me to the Street of Ink.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Tommy_ (_to Officer who has only arrived in the trench by
+accident_). "IF YOU'RE A-LOOKIN' FOR THE BURIED CABLE, SIR, IT'S FURTHER
+ALONG."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHILDREN'S TALES FOR GROWN-UPS.
+
+VI.
+
+THE CAT AND THE KING.
+
+The cat looked at the King.
+
+She was the boldest cat in the world, but her heart stood still as she
+vindicated the immemorial right of her race.
+
+What would the King say? What would the King do?
+
+Would he call her up to sit on his royal shoulder? If so, she would purr
+her loudest to drown the beating of her heart, and she would rub her head
+against the royal ear. How splendid to be a royal cat!
+
+Or perhaps he would appoint her Mouser to the King's Household, and she
+would keep the King's peace with tooth and claw.
+
+Or perhaps she would become playmate to the Royal children, and live on
+cream and sleep all day on a silken cushion.
+
+Or--and this is where her heart ceased to beat--perhaps she would pay the
+price of her temerity and the Hereditary Executioner would smite off her
+head.
+
+She had put it boldly to the test, to sink or swim. What would the King do?
+
+The King rose slowly from his throne and passed out to his own apartments,
+whilst all the Court bowed.
+
+The King had not noticed the cat.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE RULING PASSION.
+
+    "A Russian official accredited to this country, in an interview with a
+    representative of the Morning Post yesterday, said:--Potatoes."--
+    _Evening Times and Echo_ (_Bristol_).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "I could well enter into the feelings of this lad's colonel when, with
+    a lint in his eye, he descrihimbed as 'a riceless youngster.'"--_Civil
+    and Military Gazette_.
+
+We fear that the insertion of the bandage in the colonel's eye must have
+prevented him from forming a true appreciation of the young fellow.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Headline to a leading article in _The Evening News_:--
+
+    "WATCH ITALY AND RUSSIA."
+
+Extract from same:--
+
+    "We ought to keep our eyes fixed on the Western front."
+
+Correspondents should address their inquiries to Carmelite, Squinting House
+Square.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HERBS OF GRACE.
+
+VI.
+
+ROSEMARY.
+
+  Whenas on summer days I see
+  That sacred herb, the Rosemary,
+  The which, since once Our Lady threw
+  Upon its flow'rs her robe of blue,
+  Has never shown them white again,
+      But still in blue doth dress them--
+          _Then, oh, then_
+  _I think upon old friends and bless them._
+
+  And when beside my winter fire
+  I feel its fragrant leaves suspire,
+  Hung from my hearth-beam on a hook,
+  Or laid within a quiet book
+  There to awake dear ghosts of men
+      When pages ope that press them--
+          _Then, oh, then_
+  _I think upon old friends and bless them._
+
+  The gentle Rosemary, I wis,
+  Is Friendship's herb and Memory's.
+  Ah, ye whom this small herb of grace
+  Brings back,  yet brings not face to face,
+  Yea, all who read these lines I pen,
+      Would ye for truth confess them?
+          _Then, oh, then_
+  _Think upon old friends and bless them._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: VICTORY FIRST.
+
+GERMAN SOCIALIST. "I HOLD OUT MY HANDS TO YOU, COMRADE!"
+
+RUSSIAN REVOLUTIONARY. "HOLD THEM _UP_, AND THEN I MAY TALK TO YOU."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE UNITED STATES OF GREAT BRITAIN AND AMERICA.
+
+_John Bull_ (_to President Wilson_). "BRAVO, SIR! DELIGHTED TO HAVE YOU ON
+OUR SIDE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Monday, April 2nd_.--The MINISTER OF MUNITIONS informed the House that,
+owing to the demand for explosives, there is a shortage of acid for
+artificial fertilisers. It is rumoured that Mr. SNOWDEN, Mr. OUTHWAITE and
+Mr. PRINGLE, feeling that it is up to them to do something useful for their
+country, have placed at Dr. ADDISON'S disposal a selection from the
+speeches delivered by them during the War, containing an abundant supply of
+the necessary commodity.
+
+Mr. JOSEPH MARTIN has all the migratory instincts of his well-known family,
+and flits from East St. Pancras to British Columbia and back again with
+engaging irregularity. On his rare visits to Westminster he is always ready
+to impart in a somewhat strident voice (another family characteristic) the
+political wisdom that he has garnered from the New World and the Old. But
+somehow the House fails to take him at his own valuation, and when he tried
+to belittle the Imperial Conference, on the ground that the Dominion
+Premier and his colleagues would be much better employed at home, I think
+there was a general feeling that the physician would be none the worse for
+a dose of his own prescription.
+
+Cheers greeted little Mr. STEPHEN WALSH as he stepped to the Table to give
+his first answer as Parliamentary Secretary to the Ministry of National
+Service. There were more cheers (in which, had etiquette permitted, the
+Press Gallery would have liked to join) when it was found that the new
+Minister needed no megaphone, every word being audible all over the House.
+And when finally he gave Mr. PRINGLE a much-needed corrective, by telling
+him that if he wanted further information he must put a Question down, the
+House cheered again. So far as a single incident enables one to judge,
+another representative of Labour has "made good."
+
+Viscount VALENTIA has gone to the Lords, and the Commons will henceforth
+miss the elegant and well-groomed figure which lent distinction to a
+Treasury Bench not in these days too careful of the Graces. Happily Oxford
+City has found another distinguished man to succeed him. Mr. J.A.R.
+MARRIOTT may indeed be said to have obtained a Parliamentary reputation
+even before, strictly speaking, he was a Member. Usually the taking of the
+oath is a private affair between the neophyte and the Clerk, and the House
+hears nothing more than a confused murmur before the ceremony is concluded
+by the new Member kissing the Book or--more often in these days--adopting
+the Scottish fashion of holding up the right hand. Oxford's elect would
+have none of this. Like the Highland chieftain, "she just stude in the
+middle of ta fluir and swoor at lairge." Not since Mr. BRADLAUGH insisted
+upon administering the oath to himself has the House been so much stirred;
+even Members loitering in the Lobby could almost have heard the ringing
+tones in which Mr. MARRIOTT proclaimed his allegiance to our Sovereign
+Lord, KING GEORGE THE FIFTH.
+
+_Tuesday, April 3rd_.--Mr. KING really displays a good deal of ingenuity in
+his endeavours to get men out of the Army. His latest notion is that all
+Commanding Officers at home should be ordered to give leave to those men
+who have gardens so that they may return to cultivate them. There would, no
+doubt, be a remarkable development of horticultural enthusiasm among our
+home forces if the War Office were to smile upon the idea; but, though
+fully alive to the value of food-production, the UNDER-SECRETARY was unable
+to assent to this wide extension of "agricultural furlough."
+
+A request by the Press Bureau that newspapers would submit for its approval
+any articles dealing with disputes in the coal-trade gave umbrage to
+several Members, who saw in it an attempt by the Government to fetter
+public criticism. Mr. BRACE mildly explained that the object was only to
+prevent the appearance of inaccurate statements likely to cause friction in
+an inflammable trade. When Mr. KING still protested, Mr. BRACE again showed
+that his velvet paw conceals a very serviceable weapon. "Surely the
+Honourable Member does not believe that inaccurate statements can ever be
+helpful." Then there was silence.
+
+Mr. BONAR LAW stoutly denied that the National Service scheme was a
+failure, but admitted that the Cabinet was looking into it with a view to
+its improvement. Up to the present some 220,000 men have volunteered, but
+as about half of these are already engaged on work of national importance
+Mr. NEVILLE CHAMBERLAIN is still a long way short of his hoped-for
+half-a-million ready, like the British Army, to go anywhere and do
+anything.
+
+A telegram from the British Ambassador at Washington, stating that
+President WILSON'S War-speech had been very well received, and that
+Congress was expected to take his advice, gave great satisfaction. As the
+MINISTER FOR AGRICULTURE observed, "The outlook for early potatoes may be
+doubtful, but our SPRING-RICE promises excellently."
+
+Mr. PROTHERO has made up his alleged differences with the SECRETARY OF
+STATE FOR WAR, and signalized the treaty of peace first by snuggling up to
+Mr. MACPHERSON on the Treasury Bench, and next by handsomely supporting the
+new Military Service Bill. In return the UNDER-SECRETARY FOR WAR introduced
+a much-needed amendment by which men wholly engaged on food-production may
+be exempted by the Board of Agriculture from the process of "re-combing"
+now to be applied to the rest of the population.
+
+_Wednesday, April 4th._--Mr. SNOWDEN disapproves of the selection of the
+two Labour Members who are to form part of a deputation about to proceed to
+Petrograd to convey to the Russian Government the congratulations of the
+British people. Possibly the neckties of the proposed envoys are not of a
+sufficiently sanguinary shade, or their brows are not lofty enough to
+proclaim them true "leaders of thought." The suggestion that the Member for
+Blackburn should himself be despatched to Petrograd (without a return
+ticket) has been regretfully abandoned.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Jock (in captured trench)_. "COOM AWA' UP HERE, DONAL';
+IT'S DRIER."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PREPARED FOR THE WORST.
+
+Extract from a Canadian lease-form:--
+
+    "Will during the said term keep and at its expiration leave the
+    premises in good repair (reasonable wear and tear and accidents by fire
+    or tempest expected)."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Gentleman single letterarian sportsman 5 linguages tennant pretty
+    little cottage charmingly situated between Montreux Vevey, complete
+    sanitary accommodations vicinity boat, seabaths, golf-grounds
+    excursions receives
+               PAYING GUEST
+    moderate terms, Prussians and Austro-Germans, alcoholists undesired."--
+    _Swiss Paper._
+
+We do not quite know what a single letterarian is, but he seems to be a
+person of discriminating taste.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"AVIARIES, POULTRY AND PETS.
+
+    Lady ----'s Teeth Society, Ltd.--Gas 2s., teeth at hospital prices,
+    weekly if desired."--_Daily Paper_.
+
+We are not told under which category Lady ----'s dentures come, but venture
+to point out that in these days no one should make a pet of them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MAXIMS OF THE MONTHS.
+
+(_Composed during the recent Spring snowstorm._)
+
+  From January's start to close
+  It rains or hails or sleets or snows.
+
+  For atmospherical vagaries
+  The palm perhaps is February's.
+
+  To say March exits like a lamb
+  Is Falsehood's very grandest slam.
+
+  April may smile in Patagonia,
+  But here it always breeds pneumonia.
+
+  May, alternating sun and blizzard,
+  Plays havoc with the stoutest gizzard.
+
+  No part of England is immune
+  From frost and thunder-storms in June.
+
+  Only the suicide lays by
+  His thickest hose throughout July.
+
+  August, in spite of dog-days' heat,
+  For floods is very hard to beat.
+
+  The equinoctial gales, remember,
+  Are at their worst in mid-September.
+
+  Old folk, however hale and sober,
+  Die very freely in October.
+
+  November with its clammy fogs
+  The bronchial region chokes and clogs.
+
+  December, with its dearth of sun,
+  For sheer discomfort takes the bun.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ITALIAN IN ENGLAND.
+
+In the course of a recent search for Italian conversation manuals I came
+upon one which put so strangely novel a complexion on our own tongue that,
+though it was not quite what I was seeking, I bought it. To see ourselves
+as others see us may be a difficult operation, but to hear ourselves as
+others hear us is by this little book made quite easy. Everyone knows the
+old story of the Italian who entered an East-bound omnibus in the Strand
+and asked to be put down at Kay-ahp-see-day. Well, this book should prevent
+him from doing it again.
+
+But its great attraction is the courageous personality of the protagonist
+as revealed by his various remarks. For example, most of us who are not
+linguists confine our conversations in foreign places to the necessities
+of life, rarely leaving the beaten track of bread and butter, knives and
+forks, the times of trains, cab fares, the way to the station, the way to
+the post-office, hotel prices and washing lists. And even then we disdain
+or flee from syntax. But this conversationalist embroiders and dilates.
+He is intrepid. He has no reluctances. Where we in Italy would, at the
+most, say to the _cameriere_, "_Portaci una tazza di caffe_," and think
+ourselves lucky to get it, he lures the London waiter to invite a
+disquistion on the precious berry. Thus, he begins: "Coffi is rI-marchebl
+for iZ verE stim-iuletin propeRtE. Du ju no hau it uos discovvaRd?" The
+waiter very promptly and properly saying, "No, Sor," the Italian unloads
+as follows: "Uel, ai uil tel ju thet iZ discovvare is sed tu hev bin
+ochesciont bai thi folloin sorcomstanZ. Som gotS, hu brauS-t op-on thi
+plent from huicc thi coffi sids aR gathaRd, ueaR observ-D bai thi
+gothaRds tu bi echsidinglE uechful, end ofn tu chepaR ebaut in thi nait;
+thi praioR Ov e nebArin monnastErE, uiscin tu chip his monchs euech et
+theaR mat-tins, traid if thi coffi ud prodiuS thi sem effecht op-on them,
+es it uos observ-D tu du op-on thi gotS; thi soch-ses ov his echsperiment
+led tu thi appresciescion ov iZ valliu."
+
+A little later a London bookseller has the temerity to place some of the
+latest fiction before our chatty alien, but pays dearly for his rash act.
+In these words did the Italian let him have it:--"Ai du not laich nov-els
+et ol, bico-S e nov-el is bat e fichtiscios tel stof-T ov so menE
+fantastical dids end nonsensical worDs, huicc opset maind end haRt.
+An-heppe tho-S an-uerE jongh persons, hu spend theaR pre-scios taim in
+ridin nov-els! The du not no thet nov-ellists, gennerallE spichin, aR thi
+laitest end thi most huim-sical raittaRs, hu hev uested end uest theaR
+laif in liudnes."
+
+English people abroad do not, as a rule, drop aphorisms by the way; but
+our Italian loves to do so. Thus, to one stranger (in the section devoted
+to Virtues and Vices), he remarks, "Uith-aut Riligion ui sciud bi uorS
+then bists." To another, "Thi igotist spichs continniuallE ov himself end
+mechs himself thi sentaR ov evverE thingh." And to a third, a little
+tactlessly perhaps, "Impolait-nes is disgostin." He is sententious even
+to his hatter: "E het sciud bi proporscionD tu thi hed end person, for it
+is laf-ebl tu si e laRgg het op-on e smol hed, end e smol het op-on e
+laRgg hed." But sometimes he goes all astray. He is, for instance,
+desperately ill-informed as to English law. In England, he tells us, and
+believes the pathetic fallacy, "thi trens start end arraiv verE
+pongh-ciuAllE, othaR-uais passen-giaRs hu arraiv-let for theaR bis-nes
+cud siu thi CompAnE for dem-egg-S."
+
+He is calm and collected in an emergency. Thus, to a lady who has burst
+into flames, "Bi not efred, Madam," he says, "thi faiR hes cot jur gaun.
+Le daun op-on thi floR, end ju uil put aut thi faiR uith jur hendS." His
+presence of mind saves him from using his own hands for the purpose.
+Resourcefulness is indeed as natural to him as to Sir CHRISTOPHER WREN in
+the famous poem. "Uilliam," he says to his man, "if enEbodE asch-s for
+mi, ju uil se thet ai scel bi bech in e fort-nait."
+
+He meets Miss Butterfield.
+
+"Mis BottaRfild," he says, "uil ju ghiv mi e glas ov uotaR, if ju pliS?"
+And that is the end of the lady. Or I think so. But there is just a
+possibility that it is she (no longer Miss Butterfield, but now a
+Signora) whom he rebukes in a coffee-house: "Mai diaR, du not spich ov
+pollitichs in e Coffi-Haus, for no travvEllaR, if priudent, evvaR tochs
+ebaut pollitichs in poblich." And again it may be for Miss Butterfield
+that he orders a charming present (first saying it is for a lady): "Ghiv
+mi thet ripittaR set uith rubes, thet straich-S thi aurS end thi
+haf-aurS."
+
+Finally he embarks for Australia and quickly becomes as human as the rest
+of us. "Thi uind," he murmurs uneasily, "is raisin. Thi si is verE rof.
+Thi mo-scion ov thi Stim-bot mech-S mi an-uel. Ai fil verE sich. Mai hed
+is diZZE. Ai hev got e hed-ech." But he assures a fellow- passenger that
+there is no cause for fear, even if a storm should come on. "Du not bi
+alaRmD," he says; "theaR is no dengg-aR. Thi Chep-ten ov this Stima-R is
+e verE clevaR men."
+
+His last words, addressed apparently to the rest of the passengers as
+they reach Adelaide, are these: "Let os mech hest end go tu thi
+Costom-HauS tu hev aur logh-eggS ech-samint. In OstrelIa, thi Costom-HauS
+OffIsaRs aR not hottE, bat verE polait."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "I AIN'T ENOUGH PAPER TO WROP HIM UP, MISTER; BUT NO ONE'LL
+NOTICE A NOOD WURZEL IN WAR-TIME."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EMERGENCY RATIONS.
+
+In our village many disruptions have been wrought by the War, but nothing
+has ever approached the state of turveydom which came in with the system of
+daily rations.
+
+Margery brought home the first news of the revolution.
+
+"Most extraordinary thing," she said. "The Joneses have got the two old
+Miss Singleweeds staying with them."
+
+"What!" I exclaimed, swallowing my ration of mammalia in one astonished
+gulp. "Why, only two or three days ago Jones told me very privately that
+the Singleweeds were two of the most interfering, bigoted, cabbage-eating
+old cats that he had ever come across."
+
+"Cabbage-eating!" repeated Margery thoughtfully. "How stupid we are. That's
+it, of course."
+
+"What's it?"
+
+"Why, cabbage-eating. The Singleweeds haven't touched meat since I don't
+know when, so for a consideration of brussels-sprouts and a few digestive
+biscuits the Joneses will have five pounds of genuine beef to play with."
+
+"Hogs!" I said.
+
+The hospitable influence of the new scheme of rationing spread very
+rapidly. A few days later we heard that Sir Meesly Goormay, the most
+self-indulgent and incorrigible egotist in the neighbourhood, had
+introduced a collection of octogenarian aunts to his household, and, when I
+was performing my afternoon beat, I was just in time to see the butcher's
+boy, assisted by the gardener, delivering what looked to be a baron of beef
+at Sir Meesly's back door. It was an enervating and disgusting spectacle,
+well calculated to upset the _moral_ of the steadiest special in the local
+force.
+
+That night at dinner I had a Machiavellian thought.
+
+"Look here," I said, stabbing at a plate of _petit pois_ (1911) and
+mis-cueing badly, "what about having Uncle Tom to stay for a few weeks?"
+
+"Last time he came," replied Margery, "you said that nothing would induce
+you to ask him again. You haven't forgotten his chronic dyspepsia, have
+you?"
+
+"Of course not," I retorted, looking a little pained at such flagrant
+gaucherie; "but you can't cast off a respectable blood relation because he
+happens to live on charcoal and hot water."
+
+I delivered an irritable attack on a lentil pudding.
+
+"Right-O," agreed Marjory. "And I'll ask Joan as well. She won't be able to
+come until Friday, because she's having some teeth extracted on Thursday."
+
+After all Marjory is not altogether without perception.
+
+Dinner over I wrote, in my best style, a short spontaneous invitation to
+Uncle Tom. Margery wrote a more discursive one to Joan.
+
+"I think we ought to celebrate this," I suggested. "Let's be extravagant."
+
+"All right," said Margery. "What shall it be, champagne or potatoes?"
+
+Two days later I received the following:--
+
+"MY DEAR JAMES,--Thank you very much for your invitation, which I am very
+pleased to accept. The country, after all, is the proper place for old
+fogeys like myself, as it is very difficult for them to live up to the
+present-day bustle of a large city. For the last six months I have been
+doing odd jobs at a munition factory, which, I must admit, has benefited my
+health in an extraordinary manner, so much so that I have entirely lost the
+troublesome dyspepsia I suffered from, and now, you will be glad to hear, I
+am able to eat like a hunter, as we used to say. Hoping to find you all
+flourishing on Thursday next, about lunch-time,
+
+"Your affectionate
+UNCLE TOM."
+
+Instinctively I took my belt in a hole. Then Margery silently placed this
+in front of me:--
+
+"DARLING MARGERY,--How perfectly sweet of you! I shall simply love it. I am
+feeling especially beany as I have just finished with the dentist--usually
+a hateful person--who found out, after all, that it was not necessary to
+take out any of my teeth. I adore him. No time for more. Heaps to tell you
+on Friday,
+
+"Your loving
+J.J."
+
+"Hullo! Where are you off to?" I asked, as Margery made for the door.
+
+"Off to? Why, to put our names down on the Singleweeds' waiting list."
+
+I took my belt up another hole and, whistling _The Bing Boys_ out of sheer
+desperate bravado, made my gloomy way to the potato patch.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Plough Girl_. "MABEL, DO GO AND ASK THE FARMER IF WE CAN
+HAVE A SMALLER HORSE. THIS ONE'S TOO TALL FOR THE SHAFTS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A MASTER OF THE QUILL.
+
+    "Of Swinburne's personal characteristics Mr. Goose, as was to be
+    expected, writes admirably."--_Daily News and Leader_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GERMAN MEASLES.
+
+"Francesca," I said, "you must admit that at last I have you at a
+disadvantage."
+
+"I admit nothing of the sort."
+
+"Well," I said, "have you or have you not got German measles? It seems
+almost an insult to put such a question to a woman of your energy and
+brilliant intellectual capacity, but you force me to it."
+
+"Dr. Manley--"
+
+"Come, come, don't fob it off on the Doctor. He didn't wilfully provide you
+with an absurd attack of this childish disease."
+
+"No, he didn't; but when I was getting along quite nicely with the idea
+that I was suffering from a passing headache he butted in and sent me to
+bed as a German measler--and now we've all got it."
+
+"Yes," I said, "you've all got it, all my little chickens and their
+dam--you're the dam, remember that, Francesca--Muriel's got it, Nina's got
+it, Alice has got it and Frederick has got it very slightly, but he insists
+on having all the privileges of the worst kind of invalid; and you've got
+it, Francesca, and I'm left scatheless in a position of unlimited power and
+no responsibility."
+
+"Yes," she said, "it's terrible, but you will use your strength
+mercifully."
+
+"I'm not at all sure about that. At first I felt like one of those old
+prisoner Johnnies--Baron TRENCK, you know, or LATUDE--who were all shaky
+and mild when they were at last released; but now I've had time to
+think--yes, I've had time to think."
+
+"And what is the result of your thoughts?"
+
+"The result," I said, "is that I'm determined to do things thoroughly. I've
+mastered all your jealously-guarded secrets and I've allowed the strong
+wind of a man's intellect to blow through them. I am facing the cook on a
+new system and am dealing with the tradesmen in a spirit of inexorable
+resolution. The housemaid is being brought to heel and has already begun
+not to leave her brushes and dust-pans lying about on the floors of the
+library and the drawing-room. Stern measures are being taken with the
+kitchen-maid; and Parkins, that ancient servitor, is slowly being reduced
+to obedience. Even the garden is feeling the new influence and potatoes are
+being planted where no potatoes were ever planted before. Everything, in
+fact, is being reformed."
+
+"I warn you," said Francesca, "that your reforms will not be allowed to go
+on. As soon as I can get rid of the German measles I shall restore
+everything to its former condition."
+
+"But that," I said, "is the counter-revolution."
+
+"It is; and it's going to begin as soon as I get out of bed."
+
+"And what are you going to bring out of bed with you?"
+
+"Common sense," said Francesca.
+
+"Not at all," I said. "You're going to bring out of bed with you that hard
+reactionary bureaucratic spirit which all but ruined Russia and is in
+process of ruining Germany. It will be just as if the TSARITSA got loose
+and began to have her own way again. By the way, Francesca, what does one
+do when the butcher says there won't be any haunch of mutton till Tuesday,
+or when the grocer refuses you your due amount of sugar?"
+
+"A TSARITSA," said Francesca haughtily, "cannot concern herself with sugar
+or haunches of mutton."
+
+"But suppose that the TSARITSA has got German measles. Couldn't she manage
+to beat up an interest in mundane affairs?"
+
+"I'll tell you what," said Francesca.
+
+"Do," I said; "I'm dying to hear it."
+
+"Well, you'd better let the strong wind of a man's intellect blow through
+them."
+
+"What," I said--"through the haunch of mutton?"
+
+"Yes, you could do without the haunch, you know, and score off the
+butcher."
+
+"That's a sound idea. You're not so badly measled as I thought you were."
+
+"Oh," she said, "I shall soon be rid of them altogether."
+
+"To tell you the truth, I wish you'd hurry up."
+
+"Long live the counter-revolution!"
+
+"Oh, as long as you like," I said.
+
+"Have you given the children their medicine and taken their temperatures?"
+
+"I'm just off to do it," I said.
+
+R.C.L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SCENE: _A lonely road somewhere in France._
+
+_Diminutive Warrior_ (_suddenly confronted with ferocious specimen of the
+local fauna_). "LUMME! IF IT AIN'T THE REGIMENTAL COAT-OF-ARMS COME TO
+LIFE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Wady Ghuzzeh, or river of Gaza, a stream-bed which makes no large
+    assertion on the map. But it 'just divides the desert from the sewn.'"
+    --_Sunday Paper_.
+
+Being, as you might say, a mere thread.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Extracts from an article entitled "London Sights: An Australian's
+Impressions":--
+
+    "When all is over and we are back where the coyote cries ... when the
+    Rockies are looking down at us from their snowy heights, and the
+    night-time silence steals across the fir-bordered
+    foothills...."--_Sunday Times_.
+
+Yet what is all this to the longing of the Canadian for the nightly howl of
+the kangaroo and the song of the wombat flitting among the blue-gums in his
+native bush?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+According to a French philosopher mankind is divided into two categories,
+_Les Huns et les autres_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Sydney, January 2.
+
+    Concurrently with the inauguration of the new time schedule at 2 a.m.
+    on Monday a violent earth tremor was experienced at Orange. An
+    accompanying noise lasted about a half minute."--_Brisbane Courier_.
+
+Another family quarrel between [Greek: Kronos] and [Greek: Ge].
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Petrograd, Wednesday,
+
+    The Council of Workmen's Delegates has issued an appeal to the
+    proletariat, which contains the following striking passage: We shall
+    defend our liberty to the utmost against all attacks within and
+    without. The Russian revolution will not quail before the bayca fwyaa,
+    mfwyawayqawyqa."--_Dublin Evening Mail_.
+
+If that won't frighten it nothing will.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "YOU WOULDN'T THINK IT TO LOOK AT 'IM, BUT WHEN I SAYS
+''ANDS UP,' 'E ANSWERS BACK IN PUFFICK ENGLISH, 'STEADY ON WITH YER
+BLINKIN' TOOTHPICK,' 'E SEZ, 'AND I'LL COME QUIET.'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+I am wondering whether, among the myriad by-products of the War, there
+should be numbered a certain note of virility hitherto (if he will forgive
+me for saying so) foreign to the literary style of Mr. E. TEMPLE THURSTON.
+Because I have certainly found _Enchantment_ (UNWIN) a far more vigorous
+and less saccharine affair than previous experience had led me to expect
+from him. For which reason I find it far and away my favourite of the
+stories by this author that I have so far encountered. I certainly think
+(for example) that not one of his Cities of Beautiful Barley-Sugar contains
+any figures so alive as those of _John Desmond_, the hard-drinking Irish
+squireen, and _Mrs. Slattery_, his adoring housekeeper. There is red blood
+in both, and not less in _Charles Stuart_, a hero whose earlier adventures
+with smugglers, secret passages and the like have an almost STEVENSONIAN
+vigour. All the life of impoverished Waterpark, with its wonderful
+drawing-room full of precarious furniture, is excellently drawn. I
+willingly allow Mr. THURSTON so much of his earlier manner as is implied in
+the (quite pleasant) conceit of the fairy-tale. The point is that the real
+tale here is neither of fairies nor of sugar dolls, but of genuine human
+beings, vastly entertaining to read about and quite convincingly credible.
+I can only entreat the author to continue this rationing of sentiment for
+our mutual benefit.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When a book rejoices in such a title as _The Amazing Years_ (HODDER AND
+STOUGHTON) and begins with a prosperous English family contemplating their
+summer holiday in August 1914, you may be tolerably certain beforehand of
+its subject-matter. When, moreover, the name on the title-page is that of
+Mr. W. PETT RIDGE, you may with equal security anticipate that, whatever
+troubles befall this English family by the way, they will eventually reach
+a happy ending, and find all for the best in the best of all genially
+humorous worlds. As indeed it proves. But of course the _Hilliers_ were
+exceptionally fortunate in the fact that when the crash came they had one
+of those quite invaluable super-domestics whom Mr. PETT RIDGE delights in
+to steer them back to prosperity. The story tells us how the KAISER
+compelled the _Hilliers_ to leave "The Croft," and how that very capable
+woman, _Miss Weston_, restored it to them again, chiefly by the aid of her
+antique shop; and to anyone who has recently been a customer in such an
+establishment this result fully explains itself. I need not further enlarge
+upon the theme of the book. Your previous knowledge of Mr. PETT RIDGE'S
+method will enable you to imagine how the various members of the _Hillier_
+household confront the changes brought by The Amazing Years; but this will
+not make you less anxious to read it for yourself in the author's own
+inimitable telling. I won't call this his best novel; now and again,
+indeed, there seemed rather too much padding for so slender a plot; but,
+take it for all in all, and bearing in mind the strange fact that we all
+love to read about events with which we are already familiar, I can at
+least promise you a cheery and optimistic entertainment.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Jan Ross_, grey-haired at twenty-seven, but sweet of face and of a most
+taking way, found herself unexpectedly confronted, a year or two ago, with
+a "job." It was eventually to include the looking after a certain _Peter_,
+of the Indian Civil Service, a thoroughly good sort, who by now is making
+her as happy as she deserves; but in the first place it meant the care of a
+little motherless niece and nephew and their protection from a scoundrelly
+father. How successfully she has been doing it and what charmingly human
+babies are her charges, _Tony_ and _Fay_, you will realise when I say that
+it is Mrs. L. ALLEN HARKER who has been telling me all about _Jan and Her
+Job_ (MURRAY). You will understand, too, how pleasantly peaceful, how
+utterly removed from the artificially forced crispness of the special
+correspondent, is the telling of the story; but you must read it yourself
+to learn how simply and naturally the writer has used the coming of the War
+for her last chapter, and above all to get to know not only _Jan_ herself
+but also that most loyal of comrades, her pal _Meg_. _Meg_, indeed, is
+almost as much in the middle of the stage as the friend whose nursemaid she
+has elected to become; and as the completion of her own private happiness
+has to remain in doubt until the coming of peace, since Mrs. HARKER has
+resolutely refused to guarantee the survival of the soldier-sweetheart, you
+must join me in wishing him the best of good fortune. He is still rubbing
+it into the Bosches. Perhaps some day the author will be able to reassure
+us.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When I have said that _Twentieth-Century France_ (CHAPMAN AND HALL) is
+rather over-weighted by its title my grumble is made. To deal adequately
+with twentieth-century France in a volume of little more than two hundred
+amply-margined pages is beyond the powers of Miss M. BETHAM-EDWARDS or of
+any other writer. But, under any title, whatever she writes about France
+must be worth reading, and to-day of all times the French need to be
+explained to us almost as much as we need to be explained to them. Miss
+BETHAM-EDWARDS can be trusted to do this good work with admirable sympathy
+and discretion. Here she writes intimately of many people whose names are
+already household words in France. The more books we have of the kind the
+better. VOLTAIRE, we are reminded, once said that "when a Frenchman and an
+Englishman agree upon any subject we may be quite sure they have reason on
+their side." Well, they are agreeing at present upon a certain subject with
+what the Huns must regard as considerable unanimity. If in the last century
+there was any misunderstanding between us and our neighbours it is now in a
+fair way to be removed to the back of beyond; and in this removal Miss
+EDWARDS has lent a very helping hand.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+What chiefly impressed me about _Marshdikes_ (UNWIN) was what I can only
+call the blazing indiscretion of the chief characters. To begin with, you
+have a happily married young couple asking a nice man down for the week-end
+to meet a girl, and as good as telling him that the party has been
+arranged, as the advertisements put it, with a view to matrimony. Passing
+from this, we find a doctor (surely unique) blurting out to a fellow-guest
+at dinner that a mutual friend had consulted him for heart trouble. To
+crown all, when the match arranged by the young couple has got as far as an
+engagement, the wife must needs go and tell the girl that the whole affair
+was manoeuvred by herself. Which naturally upset that apple-cart. It had
+also the effect of making me a somewhat impatient spectator of the
+subsequent developments, mainly political, of the plot. I smiled, though,
+when the hero was worsted in his by-election. After all, with a set of
+supporters so destitute of elementary tact.... But, of course, I know quite
+well what is my real grievance. Miss HELEN ASHTON began her story with a
+chapter so full of sparkle that I am peevish at being disappointed of the
+comedy that this promised. Perhaps next time she will take the hint, and
+give us an entire novel in the key which, I am sure, suits her best.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_A Little World Apart_ (LANE) is one of those gentle stories that please as
+much by reminding you of others like them as by any qualities of their own.
+Indeed you might call it, with no disparagement intended, a fragrant
+pot-pourri of many rustic romances--_Our Village_, for example, and more
+than a touch of _Cranford_. Your literary memory may also suggest to you
+another scene in fiction almost startlingly like the one here, in which the
+gently-born lover (named _Arthur_) of the village beauty is forced to
+combat by her rustic suitor. Fortunately, however, Mr. GEORGE STEVENSON has
+no tragedy like that of _Hetty_ in store for his _Rose_. His picture of
+rural life is more mellow than melodramatic; and his tale reaches a happy
+end, unchequered by anything more sensational than a mild outbreak of
+scandal from the local wag-tongues. There are many pleasant, if rather
+familiar, characters; though I own to a certain sense of repletion arising
+from the elderly and domineering dowagers of fiction, of whom _Lady Crane_
+may be regarded as embodying the common form. _A Little World Apart_, in
+short, is no very sensational discovery, but good enough as a quiet corner
+for repose.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A MODEL FOR THE HUNS IN BELGIUM.
+
+NERO MAKES HIMSELF POPULAR ON A FLAG-DAY IN AID OF HOMELESS ROMANS REDUCED
+TO DESTITUTION BY THE GREAT FIRE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A VISION OF BLIGHTY.
+
+  I do not ask, when back on Blighty's shore
+    My frozen frame in liberty shall rest,
+  For pleasure to beguile the hours in store
+    With long-drawn revel or with antique jest.
+  I do not ask to probe the tedious pomp
+    And tinsel splendour of the last Revue;
+  The Fox-trot's mysteries, the giddy Romp,
+    And all such folly I would fain eschew.
+  But, propt on cushions of my long desire,
+    Deep-buried in the vastest of armchairs,
+  Let me recline what time the roaring fire
+    Consumes itself and all my former cares.
+  I shall not think nor speak, nor laugh nor weep,
+  But simply sit and sleep and sleep and sleep.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Wanted, Ladyhelp or General, for country, no bread or butter.--Apply
+    'Gay,' 'Dominion' Office."--_The Dominion_ (_Wellington, N.Z._).
+
+We congratulate the advertiser on her cheery optimism.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+152, April 11, 1917, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+***** This file should be named 14769.txt or 14769.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/7/6/14769/
+
+Produced by Jonathan Ingram, Punch, or the London Charivari, Keith
+Edkins and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+https://gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at
+https://pglaf.org/fundraising.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at https://pglaf.org
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit https://pglaf.org
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including including checks, online payments and credit card
+donations.  To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     https://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
diff --git a/old/14769.zip b/old/14769.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..abce1a4
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/14769.zip