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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/14745-0.txt b/14745-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..4d87f86 --- /dev/null +++ b/14745-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1213 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14745 *** + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 14745-h.htm or 14745-h.zip: + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/4/7/4/14745/14745-h/14745-h.htm) + or + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/4/7/4/14745/14745-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 102 + +June 18, 1892 + + + + + + + +THE COURIER OF THE HAGUE. + +(_BY THE "VACUUS VIATOR."_) + +He is an elderly amiable little Dutchman in a soft felt hat; his name +is BOSCH, and he is taking me about. _Why_ I engaged him I don't quite +know--unless from a general sense of helplessness in Holland, and +a craving for any kind of companionship. Now I have got him, I feel +rather more helpless than ever--a sort of composite of _Sandford_ +and _Merton_, with a didactic, but frequently incomprehensible _Dutch +Barlow_. My _Sandford_ half would like to exhibit an intelligent +curiosity, but is generally suppressed by _Merton_, who has a morbid +horror of useful information. Not that BOSCH is remarkably erudite, +but nevertheless he contrives to reduce me to a state of imbecility, +which I catch myself noting with a pained surprise. There is a statue +in the Plein, and the _Sandford_ element in me finds a satisfaction in +recognising it aloud as WILLIAM the Silent. It is--but, as my _Merton_ +part thinks, a fellow _would_ be a fool if he didn't recognise WILLIAM +after a few hours in Holland--his images, in one form or another, +are tolerably numerous. Still, BOSCH is gratified. "Yass, dot is +ole VOLLIAM," he says, approvingly, as to a precocious infant just +beginning to take notice. "Lokeer," he says, "you see dot Apoteek?" He +indicates a chemist's shop opposite, with nothing remarkable about it +externally, except a Turk's head with his tongue out over the door. +"Yes, I, speaking for _Sandford_ and _Merton_, see it--has it some +historical interest--did VOLLIAM get medicine there, or what?" "Woll, +dis mornin dare vas two sairvans dere, and de von cot two blaces out +of de odder's haid, and afderwarts he go opstairs and vas hang himself +mit a pedbost," BOSCH evidently rather proud of this as illustrating +the liveliness of The Hague. "Was he mad?" "Yass, he vas mard, mit +a vife and seeks childrens." "No, but was he out of his senses?" "I +tink it vas oud of Omsterdam he vas com," says BOSCH. "But how did +it happen?" "Wol-sare, de broprietor vas die, and leaf de successor +de pusiness, and he dells him in von mons he will go, begause he +nod egsamin to be a Chimigal--so he do it, and dey dake him to de +hosbital, and I tink _he_ vas die too by now!" adds BOSCH, cheerfully. +Very sad affair evidently--but a little complicated. _Sandford_ would +like to get to the bottom of it, but _Merton_ convinced there is _no_ +bottom. So, between us, subject allowed to drop. _Sandford_ (now +in the ascendant again) notices, as the clever boy, inscription on +house-front, "Hier woonden GROEN VAN PRINSTERER, 1838-76." "I suppose +that means VAN PRINSTERER lived here, BOSCH?" "Yass, dot vas it." "And +who was he?" "He vas--wol, he vos a Member of de Barliaments." "Was +he celebrated?" "Celebrated? oh, yass!" "What did he _do_?" (I think +_Merton_ gets this in.) "Do?" says BOSCH, quite indignantly, "he nefer +do _nodings_!" BOSCH takes me into the Fishmarket, when he directs my +attention to a couple of very sooty live storks, who are pecking about +at the refuse. "Dose birts are shtorks; hier dey vas oblige to keep +alvays two shtorks for de arms of de Haag. Ven de yong shtorks porn, +de old vons vas kill." _Sandford_ shocked--_Merton_ sceptical. "Keel +dem? Oh, yass, do anytings mit dem ven dey vas old," says BOSCH, +and adds:--"Ve haf de breference mit de shtorks, eh?" What _is_ he +driving at? "Yass--ven _ve_ vas old, ve vas nod kill." This reminds +BOSCH--_Barlow_-like--of an anecdote. "Dere vas a vrent to me," he +begins, "he com and say to me, 'BOSCH, I am god so shtout and my bark +is so dick, I can go no more on my lacks--vat vas I do?' To him I say, +'Wol, I dell you vat I do mit you--I dake you at de booshair to be cot +op; I tink you vas make vary goot shdeak-meat!'" Wonder whether this +is a typical sample of BOSCH's _badinage_. "What did he say to that, +BOSCH?" "Oh, he vas vair moch loff, a-course!" says BOSCH, with the +natural complacency of a successful humorist. + +[Illustration: "Some story of a scandalous but infinitely humorous +nature."] + +We go into the Old Prison, and see some horrible implements of +torture, which seem to exhilarate BOSCH. "Lokeer!" he says, "Dis vas a +pinition" (BOSCH for "punishment") "mit a can. Dey lie de man down and +vasten his foots, and efery dime he was shdrook mit de can, he jomp op +and hit his vorehaid.... Hier dey lie down de beoples on de back, and +pull dis shdring queeck, and all dese tings go roundt, and preak deir +bones. Ven de pinition vas feenish you vas det." He shows where the +Water-torture was practised. "Nottice 'ow de vater vas vork a 'ole in +de tile," he chuckles. "I tink de tile vas vary hardt det, eh?" Then +he points out a pole with a spiked prong. "Tief-catcher--put'em in +de tief's nack--and ged 'im!" Before a grim-looking cauldron he halts +appreciatively. "You know vat dat vas for?" he says. "Dat vas for de +blode-foots; put 'em in dere, yass, and light de vire onderneat." +No idea what "_blode-foots_" may be, but from the relish in BOSCH's +tone, evidently something very unpleasant, so don't press him for +explanations. We go upstairs, and see some dark and very mouldy +dungeons, which BOSCH is most anxious that I should enter. Make him go +in _first_, for the surroundings seem to have excited his sense of the +humorous to such a degree, that he might be unable to resist locking +me in, and leaving me, if I gave him a chance. + +Outside at last, thank goodness! The Groote Kerk, according to BOSCH, +"is not vort de see," so we don't see it. _Sandford_ has a sneaking +impression that I ought to go in, but _Merton_ glad to be let off. +We go to see the pictures at the Mauritshuis instead. BOSCH exchanges +greetings with the attendants in Dutch. "Got _another_ of 'em +in tow, you see--and collar-work, _I_ can tell you!" would be a +free translation, I suspect, of his remarks. Must say that, in a +Picture-gallery, BOSCH is a superfluous luxury. He _does_ take my +ignorance just a trifle too much for granted. He _might_ give me +credit for knowing the story of ADAM and EVE, at all events! "De +Sairpan gif EVA de opple, an' EVA she gif him to ADAM," BOSCH +carefully informs me, before a "_Paradise_," by RUBENS and BRUEGHEL. +This rouses my _Merton_ half to inquire what ADAM did with it. "Oh, +_he_ ead him too!" says BOSCH in perfect good faith. I do wish, +too, he wouldn't lead me up to PAUL POTTER's "_Bull_," and ask me +enthusiastically if it isn't "real meat." I shouldn't mind it so much +if there were not several English people about, without couriers--but +there _are_. My only revenge is (as _Merton_) to carefully pick out +the unsigned canvases and ask BOSCH who painted them; whereupon, BOSCH +endeavours furtively to make out the label on the frames, and then +informs me in desperation, "it was '_School_.'--yass, _he_ baint +him!" BOSCH kindly explains the subject of every picture in detail. +He tells me a DROOCHSLOOT represents a "balsham pedder." I suppose +I look bewildered, for he adds--"oppen air tance mit a village." +"Hier dey vas haf a tispute; dis man say de ham vas more value as de +cheese--dere is de cheese, and dere is the ham." "Hier is an old man +dot marry a yong vife, and two tevils com in, and de old man he ron +avay." "Hier he dress him in voman, and de vife is vrighten." "Hier is +JAN STEEN himself as a medicine, and he veel de yong voman's polse and +say dere is nodings de madder, and de modder ask him to trink a glass +of vine." "Hier is de beach at Skavening--now dey puild houses on +de dunes--bot de beach is schdill dere." Such are BOSCH's valuable +and instructive comments, to which, as representing _Sandford_ and +_Merton_, I listen with depressed docility. All the same, can't help +coming to the conclusion that Art is _not_ BOSCH's strong point. +Shall come here again--alone. We go on to the Municipal Museum, where +he shows me what _he_ considers the treasures of the collection--a +glass goblet, engraved "mit dails of tobaggo bipes," and the pipes +themselves; a painting of a rose "mit ade beople's faces in de leafs;" +and a drawing of "two pirts mit only von foots." + +Outside again. BOSCH shows me a house. "Lokeer. In dot house leef an +oldt lady all mit herself and ade sairvans. She com from Friesland, +yassir." Really, I think BOSCH is going to be interesting--at last. +There is a sly twinkle in his eye, denoting some story of a scandalous +but infinitely humorous nature. "Well, BOSCH, go on--what about the +old lady?" I ask, eagerly, as _Merton_. "Wol, Sir," says BOSCH, "she +nefer go noveres." ... That's _all_! "A devilish interesting story, +_Sumph_, indeed!" to quote _Mr. Wagg_. + +But, as BOSCH frequently reminds me, "It vas pedder, you see, as a +schendlemans like you go apout mit me; I dell you tings dot vas nod in +de guide-books." Which I am not in a position to deny. + + * * * * * + +BY ONE OF THE UNEMPLOYED.--"It is a curious fact," wrote the Recording +Angel, a very superior sort of person to "the Printer's Devil," on +the _Daily Telegraph_, "that in Greater London last week the births +registered were just one more than twice the number of deaths. Thus +grows the population in this great Babylon." Very appropriate, in +this instance, is the title of "Great Baby-lon." If you put it down +an "e," my Lord, and spell it "berths," then these are by no means in +proportion to the unemployed youth in search of them. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DISSOLUTION--(AS THE ENEMY OF THE LONDON SEASON).] + + There was a sound of revelry by day, + And England's Capital had gathered then, + Her Beauty and her Masherdom, and gay + Spring's sun shone o'er smart women and swell men; + A thousand shops shone showily; and when + MAY came to Mayfair, FLORA to Pall-Mall, + Shrewd eyes winked hope to eyes which winked again, + And maids heard sounds as of the marriage-bell. + But hush! hark! a harsh sound strikes like a sudden knell! + + Did ye not hear it? Is it howling wind? + The tram-car rattling o'er the stony street? + The groans of M.P.'s wearily confined + To the dull House when night and morning meet, + Dragged to Divisions drear with dawdling feet? + + No, hark! that heavy sound breaks in once more, + The street, the hall its echoes now repeat, + And nearer, clearer, deadlier than before! + Arm! Arm! it is--it is--the Elections' opening roar! + + 'Tis in our midst--that figure draped and dim, + Whose mocking music makes us all afraid. + "Death as the Foe!" Can it indeed be _Him_? + Duller, more dirge-like tune was never played + On strings more spirit-chilling. Feet are stayed + Though in mid-waltz, and laughter, though at height, + Hushes, and maidens modishly arrayed + For matrimonial conquest, shrink with fright; + And Fashion palsied sits, and Shopdom takes to flight. + + Ah! then and there are hurryings to and fro + And gathering tears, and poutings of distress, + And cheeks all pale, which some short hours ago + Glowed with the deep delights of Dance and Dress; + And there are sudden partings, such as press + The hope from Spoons of promise, meaning sighs + Which ne'er may be repeated; who can guess + If ever more shall meet those mutual eyes, + When Dissolution snaps the Season's tenderest ties? + + And there is scuttling in hot haste: the steed, + The Coaching Meet, the Opera's latest star, + The Row, the River, the Vitellian feed,-- + All the munitions of the Social War, + Seem fruitless now, when peal on peal afar + And near, the beat of the great Party Drum + Rouses M.P.'s to platform joust and jar, + While tongue-tied dullards scarcely dare be dumb, + When the Whips whisper "Go!" Wirepullers clamour "Come!" + + "Too bad! Too bad!" The Influenza chilled, + Court-mourning marred, the Season's earliest prime, + And now, just as with hope young breasts are filled, + When young leaves still are verdant on the lime, + When diners-out are having a good time, + When Epsom's o'er and Ascot is at hand; + To cut all short, is scarcely less than crime. + Confusion on that wrangling party-band + Whose Dissolution deals the doldrums round the land! + + Ah! wild and high those Phantom-fiddlings rise!-- + All jocund June with palsying terror thrills; + Fashion sits frozen dead with staring eyes. + How that dread dirge the ambient Summer fills + Savage and shrill! Smart frocks, soft snowy frills, + Long trains which dancing Beauty deftly steers. + Through waltzes wild or devious quadrilles,-- + All vanish; bosoms white, beset with fears; + Beat flight as that fell strain falls harsh on Beauty's ears. + + And June yet waves above them her green leaves, + Dewy with Springtide's night-drops as they pass + Grieving,--if aught that's modish ever grieves,-- + Over the unreturning chance. Alas! + Their hopes are all cut down ere falls the grass. + That with corn-harvest might have seen full blow. + See how foiled Shopdom flies, a huddled mass + Of disappointment, hurrying from the foe, + Who all their Season's prospects shatters, and lays low. + + Last month beheld them full of lusty life. + Beauty, and Wealth, and Pleasure, proudly gay; + This music brings the signal-sound of strife, + This month the marshalling to arms. Away! + Party's magnificently sham array + The muster of Mode's mob will soon have rent. + Play on, O Phantom, ominously play! + Death as the Foe! They fly before thee, blent, + Maid, Matron, Masher, Mime, in general discontent! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE DARWINIAN THEORY--VARIATION FROM ENVIRONMENT. + +"KNOCKED 'EM IN THE OLD KENT KOAD!" + +"ATTRACTED ALL EYES AT CHURCH PARADE."] + + * * * * * + +ADVICE GRATIS. + +DEBT.--"SIMPLE SIMON" writes: "A man owes me money which he cannot +pay. He lives in furnished lodgings, and has given me a Bill of Sale +on the furniture. Is this sufficient security? He also offers to +insure his life for £200 if I will advance him £100, which will be +the cost of the first premium, which he says is always heavy. I am +disposed to close with this offer. Am I prudent?"--Prudent is hardly +the word to describe you. We should not in your position make the +advance mentioned. A retreat would be much better tactics. We fancy, +from your description, that your friend would do well as a Company +Promoter. + +STOCK-DEALING TRANSACTIONS.--"Will you advise me under the following +circumstances?" asks "CHEERFUL SOUL," on a post-card. "I placed £50 +with an Outside Broker as a speculation for the rise in Cashville and +Toothpeka First Preference. Yesterday I received a note to say I had +lost my money, as 'cover had run off.' On repairing to the Broker's +Office, I was surprised to find it apparently deserted. What is my +remedy?"--We should imagine that the Broker had "run off" too. Your +remedy is--not to speculate again. "Flutters" lead to the Gutters. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE EXPRESSED OTHERWISE. + +_Married Vicar_, "WELL, MY BISHOP WAS VERY PARTICULAR WITH _ME_. AMONG +OTHER THINGS, HE ASKED ME, BEFORE PRESENTING ME, _WHETHER MY WIFE WAS +A LADY_!" + +_His Curate_ (_reflectively_). "I CAN _QUITE_ UNDERSTAND _THAT_!"] + + * * * * * + +THE WAY THEY HAVE IN THE ARMY. + +(_A CONVERSATION--PURELY IMAGINARY._) + + SCENE--_Pall Mall. Present, SECRETARY OF STATE and Military + Adviser._ + +_Mil. A._ I want to know your ideas about the Autumn Manoeuvres. Are +we to have any this year? + +_Sec. of S._ (_with a melancholy smile_). That depends upon +circumstances not entirely under my control. + +_Mil. A._ Oh, yes; I know. But Governments may come and Governments +may go, but the State flows on for ever. Whatever _you_ commence +_they_ will have to carry out. + +_Sec. of S._ Can we have these Manoeuvres without expense? + +_Mil. A._ Well, scarcely. For instance, there is the ammunition. + +_Sec. of S._ Oh, we can get over that! Every soldier, when he is +supposed to fire, can say, "Bang!" or words to that effect. We might +add the direction to the new Provisional Drill-Book. + +_Mil. A._ (_drily_). Yes, you might; and it would prove about as +useful as the other regulations in that remarkable volume! Well, +suppose the difficulty of ammunition surmounted, what next? + +_Sec. of S._ Well, I suppose we shall have to spend some money on the +farmers for rights of way and the rest of it? + +_Mil. A._ I suppose so, if you want the troops to move over an +unfamiliar country. + +_Sec. of S._ But I am not sure I do. Why shouldn't they learn how to +defend Aldershot? Then it would cost nothing. What next? + +_Mil. A._ Well, there will be the Commissariat expenses. + +_Sec. of S._ Suppose food costs the same in most places. Besides, +isn't TOMMY ATKINS supposed to purchase his own victuals? + +_Mil. A._ Yes, theoretically I suppose he is; but practically he-- + +_Sec. of S._ Oh, bother practice! Of course he must, somehow; he must +pay for the Commissariat out of his own pocket. + +_Mil. A._ Well, then there is the question of transport. Of course, +many regiments have their own waggons and carts, but for a special +occasion I think it would be advisable if-- + +_Sec. of S._ (_interrupting_). What nonsense! Why, of course we will +make them all walk. It will do them a world of good! + +_Mil. A._ Well, as we want to bring some from Scotland, it will +distinctly be a long walk--a very long walk indeed! + +_Sec. of S._ (_heartily_). So much the better--so much the better! + +_Mil. A._ (_sarcastically_). I fancy you will have to pay a large bill +in shoe-leather! + +_Sec. of S._ (_aghast_). So we shall! Oh, bother the Manoeuvres just +now! The fact is, I have to think of other things! + + [_Scene closes in upon Secretary thinking of other things._ + + * * * * * + +STUDIES IN THE NEW POETRY. + +NO. II. + +MR. PUNCH's first example of the New Poetry was, it may be remembered, +in the rhymed, irregular style. It is not a difficult style. The +lines may be long or short; some may groan under an accumulation of +words, while others consist of merely two or three--a most unfair +distribution. The style of the following specimen, (also by Mr. +H-NL-Y) is, however, even easier to manage. There are no rhymes and +very few restrictions. The lines are very short, and a few words, +therefore, go a very long way, which is always a consideration, even +if you don't happen to be paid by the column. This style is very +fierce and bloodthirsty and terrible. Timid people are, therefore, +advised, for the sake of their nerves, not to read any farther. + +THE SONG OF THE POKER. + +[Illustration] + + The Poker, + Clanging. + I am the Poker the straight and the strong, + Prone in the fire grate, + Black at the nether end, + Knobby and nebulous. + + Fashioned for fight + In the Pit Acherontic: + Many have grappled me, + Poised me and thrust me + Into the glowing, + The flashing and furious + Heart of the fire. + Raked with me, prized with me, + Till on a sudden + Besparked and encircled + With Welsh or with Wallsend, + Shattering, battering + They drew me away. + Others in rivalry, + Thinking to better + The previous performance, + Seized me again; + Pushed with a leverage + Hard on the haft of me, + Till with the shocks + Sank the red fire, + Shivered and sank + Subdued into blackness. + That is my Toil; + I am the Poker. + + Oh, and the burglar's head + Often hath felt me, + Hard, undesirable + Cracker of craniums. + I have drunk of the blood, + The red blood, the life-blood + Of the wife of the drunkard. + Hoh! then, the glory. + The joyous, ineffable + Cup of fulfilment, + When the policeman, + Tall with a bull's-eye, + Took me and shook me, + Produced me in evidence, + There in the dim + Unappeasable grisliness + Of the Police-Court. + Women to shrink at me, + Men to be cursed with me, + Bloodstained, contemptuous, + Laid on the table. + I am the Minister, + Azrael's Minister. + I am the Poker. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: VENUS (ANNO DOMINI 1892) RISES FROM THE SEA!!] + + * * * * * + +OPERATIC NOTES. + +_Wednesday_.--Great German Night. Third Part of the Festival Play for +Four Nights by RICHARD WAGNER, with (thank goodness just to lighten +it) an English translation by the Messrs. CORDER. + +"_Sursum Corder!_" A light and airy work as everyone knows is _Der +Ring des Nibelungen_, or _The Nibelung's Ring_, requiring all the +power of lungs to get the true ring out of the work. Hard work for +singers, more so for orchestra, and most so for audience. As for the +"Ring," there are a lot of animals in the Opera, but no horse, so the +Circus entertainment is not complete until _Brünnhilde_ shall appear +in the next part of the tetralogy, with her highly-trained steed. +Odd! Throughout two long (and, ahem! somewhat weary, eh?) Acts, not +a female singer visible on stage (though one sings "like a bird" off +it,--that is, quite appropriately, "at the wings"), and not until the +Third Act, does _Erda_ the witch "rise from below," and we all saw +her and 'Erd 'er. Then, later on, appears _Brünnhilde_, asleep, "in +a complete suit of gleaming plate-armour, with helmet on her head and +long shield over her body," a style of free-and-easy costume which, as +everyone knows, is highly conducive to sleeping in perfect comfort. +No wonder _Siegfried_ mistakes her for a man-in-armour out of the Lord +Mayor's Show, and exclaims, + +[Illustration: Scenes in the Ring. Sir Alvary Siegfried, with Nothung +on, as Master of "the Ring," gives a Special Entertainment.] + + "Ha, a Warrior, sure! + I scan with wonder his form!" + +(I was scanning with wonder the verses,--but _passons!_)--he +continues:-- + + "His haughty head + Is pressed by the helm!" + +This at first sight looks nautical; and therefore his next question +is, "Can I speak to the man at the wheel?" He decides that, as the +sleeping warrior "heaveth his breast," and "is heavily breathing," it +will be a humane act to give him a little air,--[which is done in the +orchestra whatever air there is],--and then _Siegfried_ asks himself +if it won't be as well, or "better, to open his byrnie?" Those among +the audience who have been carefully reading the translation up to +this point, here look up and closely watch _Siegfried's_ proceedings, +being evidently uncertain as to what "his byrnie" may be. Some clever +person in Stalls observes that up to now, he has always thought that +"'byrnie' was the affectionate diminutive for a mountain 'byrne' in +Scotland." Which clever person had evidently much to learn. However +the effect of the operation for "byrnie" (which ought to have been +performed by Dr. BYRNIE YEO, ever ready to rescue a fellow-creature +in distress) is to show that the supposed Knight is a Lady. Whereupon +_Siegfried_ with "surprise and astonishment starts back" exclaiming:-- + +"This is no man! Burning enchantment"--he meant "Byrnieing"--"charges +my heart;"--(what charge does a heart make in these +circumstances?)--"fiery awe falls on my eyesight;" (bad symptoms +these!)--"My senses stagger and sway,"--So _he_ swaggers and stays. + +It is some time before he can pull himself together, and then the +"Bewitched Maiden" awakes and addresses him bewitchingly. This causes +him to be taken with a fit of "exalted rapture," while the lady, on +her part, cannot help being "deeply stirred." + +After a mad wooing, she laughs in a "wild transport of passion," calls +him a "high-minded boy," likewise "a blossoming hero," also "a babe of +prowess;" all which epithets, styles and titles, are in quite the vein +of _Falstaff_ addressing _Prince Hal_. Then, in return, _Siegfried_ +can hit on no better compliment than to style her "a Sun" and "a +Star." Having thus exhausted their joint-stock of complimentary +endearments, they throw themselves into each other's arms. On which +situation the Curtain discreetly falls. + +[Illustration: Sir Druriolanus Wagnerensis offering the Tea-tray-logy +to his Patrons.] + +All very fine and large, of course. Orchestra splendid. _Siegfried_ +and _Brünnhilde_ recalled four times. Everybody, including Mr. MAHLER +the Conductor, and Sir AUGUSTUS WAGNERENSIS, called before Curtain. +Madame ROSA SUCHER had her evening all to herself, to go wherever she +liked, as she had only to drop in at the Opera at 11 P.M., don her +armour in which to appear before the public at midnight, sing a +few solos, join in a duet, and be off the stage again by 12:30 A.M. +punctually. + +The English translation will repay perusal. There are in it some +really choice morsels. This subject must be considered at the earliest +operatunity. + +The Singing Dragon is delightful throughout, and his death as tragic +as anything in _Pyramis_ and _Thisbe_ as played by _Bottom the Weaver +& Co_, _Limited_. + +_Saturday_.--Production of the Illustrious ISIDORE DE LARA's _Light +of Asia_. So the operatic day, that is Saturde-ay, finishes with +generally-expressed opinion that this Opera is a + + "DE-LA-RA-Boom-de-ay!" + +Everything scenically and stage-managerially that could be done to +make _The Light of Asia_ brilliant, Sir DRURIOLANUS has done; but, +after a first hearing, it strikes me that, regarded as a work for the +stage, it is a mere _Night-light of Asia_, which, like _Macbeth's_ +"brief candle," will go "out," and "then be heard no more." If, +however, it be relegated to the concert-hall, as a Cantata, _The +Light of Asia_ may appear lighter than it does on the boards of Covent +Garden, where, intended to be a dramatic Opera, it only recalls to me +the title of one of RUDYARD KIPLING's stories, viz., _The Light that +Failed_. + + * * * * * + +A SUTTON THOUGHT.--Mr. CHAMBERLAIN can now allude to Lord ROSEBERY as +"a Sutton person of his acquaintance." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS. + +_Unfashionable Mother._ "WHAT A SWEET CHILD! HOW OLD IS SHE?" + +_Fashionable Mother._ "WELL, REALLY, IF YOU ARE GOING TO ASK _THAT_ +SORT OF QUESTION, I'D BETTER SEND FOR THE NURSE!"] + + * * * * * + +AN OLD SONG REVIVED. + + (_As sung by the Champion Ulster "Comique," Colonel S-nd-rs-n, + to the old tune of "De Groves of de Pool," written by "honest + Dick Millikin."_) + + Whillaloo! If they droive us to foighting, + 'Tis ourselves who will lead 'em a dance, + Till, loike the Cork bhoys, they're deloighting, + _Back again_ to their homes to _advance_! + No longer in beating such rebels + We'll take than in baiting a bull. + How they'll squake, in effeminate trebles, + When Ulster's battalions are full! + Ri fol didder rol didder rol! + + _We_ trate 'em as loving relations? + _We_ trust to the "Union of Hearts"? + _We_ heed the Grand Old One's orations? + _We_ play the Minority's parts? + _We_ bow to the yoke of TIM HEALY? + _We_ stoop to the Papisthry rule? + Faix! them who imagine it really + Must fancy that "Orange" spells "fool." + Ri fol didder rol didder rol! + + _We_ consint to a sham House o' Commons + Established on ould College Green? + They fancy we're Radical rum 'uns! + Allaygiance we owe to our QUEEN! + But we're fly to _their_ thraitorous dodges; + Our loyalty's edge would they dull? + Fwit! We'll pour like a flood from our Lodges, + And crack every "National" skull! + Ri fol didder rol didder rol! + + We're all friends of Law and of Order, + But would they wrench _us_ from the Crown? + We'll soon be a-singing "_Boyne Water_," + And marching to "_Croppies, lie down!_" + 'Tis we have the Men and the Money, + We don't _want_ to foight, we're quite cool. + But, by Jingo, our foes will look funny, + When Ulster turns out 'gin Home Rule! + Ri fol didder rol didder rol! + + To-day in our myriads we muster. + Friendly _warning_ is all that _we_ mean. + About SOLLY's "incitement" Rads fluster; + We're thrue to the Crown and the QUEEN: + But Ulster no "pathriot" shall sever, + And Ulster no "Papish" shall school. + Whillaloo! Here's the Union for ever, + And into the Boyne wid Home Rule! + Ri fol didder rol didder rol! + + Och! Here's to Dutch WILLIAM the Pious! + And here's to VICTORIA the Good! + If they think we _won't_ foight, let 'em try us! + They mock at an Orangeman's mood, + But once set the Green 'gainst the Yellow, + (Wid no one our coat-tails to pull,) + And I pity the pathriots who bellow + (Like bhoys in a bog) for Home Rule! + Ri fol didder rol didder rol! + + Come, all loyal props of the nation, + Come fill up a bumper all round! + Drink success to our great federation; + With Brummy JOE's blessing 'tis crowned. + _He_ says we are heroes, right stingo, + _He_ vows W.G.'s an old fool. + No, we _don't_ want to fight, but, by Jingo, + Whin we _do_--it's all up wid Home Rule! + Ri fol didder rol didder rol! + [_Left "bombinating."_ + + * * * * * + +A BACHELOR'S GROWL. + + Oh, the beautiful women, the women of ancient days, + The ripe and the red, who are done and dead, + With never a word of praise; + The rich, round SALLIES and SUSANS, the POLLIES and JOANS and PRUES, + Who guarded their fame, and saw no shame + In walking in low-heeled shoes. + + They never shrieked on a platform; they never desired a vote; + They sat in a row and liked things slow, + While they knitted or patched a coat. + They lived with nothing of Latin, and a jolly sight less of Greek, + And made up their books, and changed their cooks + On an average once a week. + + They never ventured in hansoms, nor climbed to the topmost 'bus, + Nor talked with a twang in the latest slang; + They left these fashions to us. + But, ah, she was sweet and pleasant, though possibly not well-read, + The excellent wife who cheered your life, + And vanished at ten to bed. + + And it's oh the pity, the pity that time should ever annul + The wearers of skirts who mended shirts, + And never thought nurseries dull. + For everything's topsy-turvy now, the men are bedded at ten, + While the women sit up, and smoke and sup + In the Club of the Chickless Hen. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AN OLD SONG REVIVED. + +COLONEL S-ND-RS-N _(the Irish "Lion Comique") sings_-- + + "WE DON'T WANT TO FIGHT, + BUT, BY JINGO, IF WE DO, ----"] + + * * * * * + +THE USEFUL CRICKETER. + +(_A CANDID VETERAN'S CONFESSION._) + +[Illustration] + + I am rather a "pootlesome" bat-- + I seldom, indeed, make a run; + But I'm rather the gainer by that, + For it's bad to work hard in the sun. + + As a "field" I am not worth a jot, + And no one expects me to be; + My run is an adipose trot, + My "chances" I never can see. + + I am never invited to bowl, + And though, p'raps, this seems like a slight + In the depths of my innermost soul + I've a notion the Captain is right. + + In short, I may freely admit + I am not what you'd call a great catch; + But yet my initials are writ + In the book against every match! + + For although--ay, and there is the rub-- + I am forty and running to fat, + I have made it all right with the Club, + By presenting an Average Bat! + + * * * * * + +PRIVATE REFLECTIONS OF THE PUBLIC ORATOR AT CAMBRIDGE. + +(_AS RECORDED BY MR. PUNCH'S PATENT PHONOGRAPH._) + +Deadly business, this Latin joking. One speech is bad enough, but +fifteen are absolutely crushing. Still it must be done. Shade of +CICERO, befriend me! Here goes:-- + +"What on earth can I say about the DUKE OF EDINBURGH? Mustn't offend +these blessed Royalties. Am told they never take kindly to jokes. +Let me see, he served on the _Euryalus_ (query? ought I to bring in +_Nisus_). Travelled a great deal--_multorum vidit et urbes_. _Mem._ +Work this up. By the way, ALFRED's his name. Bring in ALFRED and the +cakes. ALFRED thrashed Danes. PRINCE OF WALES married a Dane. To be +worked up. Sailor-Prince: _mem._ _O navis referent, etc._ See also +VIRGIL's description of storm. Prince plays fiddle. Might say that +VIRGIL was poet _quem vicina Cremonæ Mantua genuit_. Did this, years +ago, for old JOACHIM, but can use it again. Never mind the _væ nimium +miseræ vicina Cremonæ_. Prince won't know about that. What's the best +Latin for Admiral? Daughter betrothed to Crown PRINCE OF ROUMANIA. Can +get in Roman legionaries. Ripping!! + +"NORTHBROOK's fairly easy. Oxford man. Mustn't mention he only got +Second Class. Never mind, India will pull me through. Conquests of +ALEXANDER, and all that sort of thing. Must look up RUDYARD KIPLING +for latest tips. Dusky brothers (Query, _sub-fusci fratres?_) good +Academical joke this; sure to fetch the VICE-CHANCELLOR. Pity the +CHANCELLOR's so poor in Latin. + +"CRANBROOK next. Bother all these brooks! He's a Viscount (_Vice-Comes_ +DE CRANBROOK). Lord President of Council; looks after education. +That'll do it. Who's this fool that has sent a post-card asking me to +say something about _Educatio libera_? _Num est tuus servus canis ut +hanc rem faciat?_ + +"HENRY JAMES. Dear me! No University education. Must refer to CICERO +as a barrister. _Solicitor Generalis_ doesn't sound right somehow. +Refused to be Lord Chancellor. _Mem._ Get good joking Latin for +Woolsack. Factory and Workshops Act must see me through. + +"JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN. Hard nut to crack. Can't say I like him myself. +_Birminghamiæ decus; civium consensu ter_--What the dickens is +Mayor in Latin? Did anybody make screws in ancient Rome? _Mem._ Work +up orchids and eyeglass. _Una cum Cancellario nostro seni grandi +restitit._ Absolutely no literary distinction. Still, he's got a son +who was a Cambridge man. Must get in a sly dig at OSCAR BROWNING and +East Worcestershire. Something about old-age pensions. Bah, I hate the +job! + +"JOHN MORLEY. Humph! Delicate ground. Home Rule's got to be skimmed +over. Only consistent Home-Ruler of the lot (_sibi constat_). Books +by the dozen (_lucidus ordo, etc._). French Revolution (_res novæ_). +Ardent reformer (_res renovanda radicitus_). Ought to drag in +_impiger, iracundus, inexorabilis acer_. Better not, on second +thoughts. + +"That's enough for one morning. Polish off the rest to-morrow. +_Mem._ WEBSTER won two miles against Oxford (_duo millia passuum; +Oxoniensibus triumphatus_, and a few japes about Isthmian games. Must +fetch them). Remember to give ROBY one or two for himself over his +Latin grammar. Mostly wrong. He'd better stick to making reels of +cotton. SEELEY and the others can wait." + + * * * * * + +MR. HARDUP lately came into a large fortune, and changed his name to +SKATTERKASH. He has started a coach, and drives four duns. "The duns +used always to be after me," says he; "now I've got 'em before me. +It's a pleasant reminder of unpleasant times." + + * * * * * + +KENSINGTON GARDENS. + +(_IN THE SUMMER EVENINGS, AFTER EIGHT._) + +_As they are, always._--Closed. Within, a solitary policeman, moping. +Without, the jaded citizens, gasping on a dusty road, and gazing +through the iron railings at the cool groves within. A mile away, or +nearer, some military bands (paid--by whom?--no matter--ultimately by +tax-payers, who don't get much for their money), bored to death for +lack of work, and any number of charitable institutions spending half +their funds in advertising for more. + +_As they might be, sometimes._--Open. At the gate energetic policemen +taking the shillings of eager citizens who crowd in to sit and smoke +in the cool groves, lighted by inexpensive Chinese lanterns, and to +listen to the music of the military bands, now alert, cheerful and +occupied. Scattered through the cool groves a few energetic, but +unobtrusive, policemen, seeing that everyone behaves as quietly as at +the Fisheries or the Healtheries. And (the next morning) any number +of charitable institutions receiving the shillings thus virtuously and +profitably spent. + + * * * * * + +SYLLOGISMS OF THE STUMP. + +(_SELECTED--AND CONDENSED--FROM RECENT PLATFORM "ARGUMENTS."_) + +There is no principle, no precedent, no reason why, if the majority +desire anything, a Legislative sanction should not be given to their +decision. + +The majority in Ireland desire Home Rule. + +Therefore, it would be an outrage to the minority to give Legislative +sanction to that desire. + +[Illustration: Going to the Country with a Cry.] + + * * * * * + +The influence of Women in politics must be elevating and refining. + +That influence can be most effectively and legitimately exercised by +and through possession of the Electoral Franchise. + +Therefore it would unsex and degrade women to give them the +Parliamentary vote. + + * * * * * + +It is useless to receive a deputation (say, upon Eight Hours' Day +legislation) unless you "mean business" in that matter. + +_I_ do not mean business in that matter--at present. + +Therefore I shall be delighted to receive the deputation. + + * * * * * + +Liberal Legislation is bad for the country. + +The present Government has successfully accomplished more Liberal +Legislation than any of its predecessors. + +Therefore the country should vote for the present Government. + + * * * * * + +The Gladstone Government of 1880 made many serious mistakes. + +_I_ was a leading Member of that Government. + +Therefore you cannot go wrong in following me now. + + * * * * * + +Mr. C. made a slashing attack on Lord R., and addressed to him certain +awkward questions and posing arguments to which he is bound to attempt +an answer. + +Lord R. made a dashing rejoinder to Mr. C., and devoted the whole of +his speech to answering Mr. C.'s questions and arguments. + +Therefore Lord R. showed bad taste and temper, and wasted his own time +and the public's. + + * * * * * + +I have altered my opinion of many men since 1885. + +Many men have altered their opinion of _me_ since that same date. + +Therefore they are either fickle fools or idolatrous items. + + * * * * * + +I followed my Leader until 1881. + +Some follow him still. + +Therefore either they don't know what they do, or don't mean what they +say. + + * * * * * + +If any logical-minded reader should object that these so-called +syllogisms are not really syllogisms at all, we should agree with +him. But then they are not only the brief and formal expression of +long-winded so-called arguments, which are not really arguments at +all, but which, veiled in floods of verbiage, are duly presented to +the public, from platform and Press, as though they really were so. +_Moral_:--The clear analysis of stump-oratory generally takes the form +of a _reductio ad absurdum_. + + * * * * * + +MUTUAL ADVERTISEMENT BY THE COURT JESTER.--At the Shaftesbury Theatre +is announced _A Play in Little_. At the Court they might announce a +LITTLE in a Play. [N.B.--For explanation see Cast under Clock.] Just +now, very little in any play. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A DISTINCTION WITH A DIFFERENCE. + +_Mistress_ (_to applicant for situation, who has been dismissed, from +her last place_). "SO YOU'VE JUST LEFT? DIDN'T YOUR SITUATION SUIT +YOU?" + +_Martha._ "OH YES, 'M. SITUATION SOOTED ME VERY WELL. IT WAS ME, MUM, +AS DIDN'T SOOT THE SITUATION!"] + + * * * * * + +FROM A LAHORE PAPER.--"_Punch_," the writer ought to have said "_Mr. +Punch_,"--"possesses a battery of guns, and maintains a standing army +of 1,200 men." Quite correct. Wonderful how they get the news out +there. The guns fire a hundred jokes per minute; all killing ones. The +standing army do the thing well, and will stand anything (well-iced) +to all friends within reasonable limits, under command of _Mr. Punch_, +President. + + * * * * * + +VERY NATURAL.--Mrs. BROWN POTTER, tired of playing a Hero, is now +coming out as a Heroine before the Chaff'dsbury Theatre is shut up. + + * * * * * + +_ROD and RIVER_ is the title of a useful book about fly-fishing (it +only needs "fly-leaves" for notes to make it perfect), written by a +Major bearing the appropriate name of FISHER. One note he might append +for the benefit of intending Etonians, that those who, not having +"passed" their swimming examination, venture to go on the "river", are +in danger of the "rod." + + * * * * * + +MRS. RAM was told that Mr. JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN is a giant in intellect. +She said, "I don't know much about intellect, but he must be a very +big giant to carry an orchard in his buttonhole." + + * * * * * + +ODONT.! + +(_AN ODE TO THE MODERN FLORA._) + + Oh, Flora, fair Goddess of Flowers, skies brighten, the gardens + are glowing, + And lo! 'tis the season of Flower Shows, when everything seems + "All-a-blowing!" + And what the dickens you've been up to with the dictionary, I'm + dashed if there's any possibility of knowing. + + Talk about "Volapück." Why, it isn't a circumstance compared with + the floral goddess's crack-jaw. + I've been trying to read the account of a Flower Show to my wife. + Now, at patter-songs I've a slick tongue and slack jaw. + I can do "_John Wellington Wells_" pretty patly; but to read + through a horticultural article + Would give an alligator instantaneous tetanus; and of _meaning_ + the words seem to have no particle. + I should like to be introduced, in its Bornean home, to the + glorious plant called Cælo Dyana. + But fancy a footman having to announce Madame SPATHOGLOTTIS + KIMBALLIANA! + Odont. Uro-Skinneri _sounds_ like something medical and epidermic, + but then we're informed that its sepals and petals + Are "reticulated in tender brown and broad rosy-mauve," which + immediately sends one "off the metals." + The Masdevallias may be a respectable family, though _I_ should + not care to marry into it, + But "the hybrid M. Mundyana representing M. Veitchii × M. Ignea" + (though "a wonderfully glowing orange" by all accounts), + sounds so exceedingly mixed and mongrel that I'd certainly + eschew it. + "A noble Catt: Gigas" _sounds_ rather aristocratic: "Catt: + Jacomb," I suppose, is a sort of a relative; + But Od. Citrosmum, sounds awfully odd, and is not _my_ notion of a + reassuring appellative. + And what _are_ you to make of Odont. crisp. Sanderæ, which, + whomsoever "Sanderæ" may be, _I_ don't want to "crisp" + him; + "A sport of nature unequalled" they call him, and no doubt his + _name_ is, for I can neither clearly articulate, stutter + or lisp him. + I've not a doubt that, whoever he is, he is probably liked and + considered by some a gem. + Gyp. Chamberlainianum has a political sound, and has a strong + savour of a floral Brummagem. + + And then comes "Odont. vex. Bleui splendidissimum," which sounds + like an appeal for "_Two Lovely Blue Eyes_." + But if it means something entirely different, I shall hear it + without the smallest surprise. + In fact, looking further, I find, it's "an artificial hybrid from + Odont. vexillarium × Odont. Roezlii." That's a staggerer. + But Dend. phalænopsis Schroderæ Dellense is a still bigger + horticultural swaggerer. + O. Coradenei! likewise O. Crispum! I only wish that your + Godmother, Flora, + Would insist upon shorter and more intelligible names for her + modern offspring. By bright Aurora, + I can't go on worshipping at your floral shrine if the ritual is + polyglot gibberish, and what's more, I won't, Ma'am. + In the word (queerly spelt) of which you seem very fond, I + earnestly say, Flower Goddess, Odont. Ma'am!!! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE RACE FOR THE COUNTRY. WAITING FOR THE SIGNAL. + +(_By Our Americanised Artist._)] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +[Illustration: "Standing at Bar."] + +_Thursday, June 9._--The great strength of the Liberal Party lies in +its illimitable resources of Leadership. When in ordinary times Mr. G. +is away, there is either the SQUIRE OF MALWOOD or JOHN MORLEY to take +his place. Now, in these last days of dying Parliament, the Squire +follows Mr. G.'s leadership even to extent of stopping away from +House. JOHN MORLEY been here for short while to-night, but as soon as +he saw House comfortably in Committee he, too, departed. Seemed as +if Opposition, thus deserted, would stagger blindly on till it fell +in some ditch. At critical moment BOBBY SPENCER quietly appeared +on scene; naturally and irresistibly dropped into seat of Mr. G. on +otherwise almost empty front Bench. No sounding of drums or braying of +trumpets. BOBBY quietly walks up, brushing past ATHERLY JONES standing +at the Bar, and takes his proper place. + +[Illustration: "Question! Question!"] + +Effect upon House instant and soothing. Prince ARTHUR looks up +relieved. No one more interested in presence of strong hand on the +rein of Opposition than the Leader of the House. Business immediately +settles down to even and rapid pace. It is generally understood that +BOBBY is desirous that the Government shall have every assistance +given them in disposing of the remaining business. ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS +shows himself a little restive. Here is a great opportunity fleeting +past; vote after vote put from Chair agreed to almost as rapidly as it +can be recited. After half-a-dozen have been galloped through, ALPHEUS +CLEOPHAS moves uneasily in his seat. Anxiously watches the youthful +figure seated on front Bench. Bang goes another Million. ALPHEUS +CLEOPHAS can sit it no longer; jumps up and wants to know something. +BOBBY, half-turning, regards him with grave eyes. Speaks no word, but +ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS knows what is passing through his mind; his fluent +speech falters; presently he sits down, shrivelled up, as it were, +under the reproachful glance of the new Leader. Thus the hours pass, +and the votes too, till by midnight all the money is voted for the +Navy, and whole blocks of Civil Service Estimates have been passed. + +[Illustration: Poltalloch.] + +_Business done._--Supply voted with both hands. + +_Friday._--Army Estimates on in Committee of Supply. Gather from +general conversation that things are awful. FRASER, V.C., says they +are going to the dogs. WALTER BARTTELOT "going," as he sometimes asks +permission to do, "one step farther," says they've gone. STANHOPE +evidently expecting an assault on his Department, brought in with +him a stout stick. "When JULIUS 'ANNIBAL PICTON got up just now, and +gave a brief _résumé_ of the operations in which his great ancestor +defeated FLAMINIUS and SERVILIUS at the Lake of Thrasymenus; pretty +to see how STANHOPE almost involuntarily made a pass at him with the +stick. + +"Question! Question!" cried STUART WORTLEY, from behind the SPEAKER's +chair. + +"This is the question," retorted J.A.P., "or it is at least leading +me up to it. I am about, Mr. COURTNEY, to show how, supposing the War +Office at Carthage had been managed on the same principles as those +which govern the conduct of the Right Hon. Gentleman, my illustrious +ancestor, instead of routing the enemy, would have fled from the face +of FLAMINIUS, scuttled off before SERVILIUS, and would never have +lived to vanquish VARROW at Cannes." + +"You rather had STANHOPE there," said POLTALLOCH meeting J.A.P. in +the Lobby afterwards, and shouting down at him a few words of hearty +encouragement. + +_Business done._--Another gallop through the Votes. + + * * * * * + +LADY GAY'S SELECTIONS. + +_Phantom Lodge, Ascot._ + +DEAR MR. PUNCH, + +[Illustration] + +Here I am once more at Ascot--beloved of Women and Milliners! +_Ascot_, I mean, not _myself_, as I'm thankful to say women don't +like me--Milliners don't count as women, of course, being so very +liberal-minded; and that's the advantage of being "somebody," and +having a figure--you can get all your gowns on the condition of +telling everyone (in strict confidence) who "built" them! I had a +most fatiguing day yesterday, as, after arriving, I had to show the +Baroness all my Ascot "confections," and I made the poor dear quite +jealous, which, of _course_, vexed me, as she is quite my dearest +friend! I was much gratified to see my protest against these +"glove contests" so admirably and cleverly "seconded" (I'm afraid +that's a fighting expression) by one of your wonderful Artists in +Black-and-White (black and blue it might have well been on this +occasion)--though, by the way, he must have been present himself, or +he wouldn't have seen how ashamed of his own face every man was! We +shall have the dear wretches wearing veils next, I suppose! + +On every hand I hear great complaints of the "moderate lot" +our English Three-year-olds have turned out; and the Vicomte DE +FOSSE-TERRE (a descendant of the historical QUEEN OF NAVARRE) quite +upset our dinner-party last night by claiming immense superiority +for the French horses of the same age--why should this be?--I don't +consider the French ahead of us in politeness, so why should they be +so in breeding? However, the fact remains, that no English Horse will +run in the French Derby this year! + +Lord STONEHENGE tells me we may expect the "Dissolution" very shortly, +and I'm sure the poor Members must be glad of it, for this weather +makes one long to dissolve--though I must say it seems to me an absurd +time to choose, as it will stop the Season and upset everybody's +arrangements! These things will be better managed when we get a "House +of Peeresses" at the head of affairs--and _that_ is only a question of +time, I feel sure! + +But now to glance at the Ascot Programme--it is such a lengthy and +important one, that a mere glance will be quite sufficient for me, +whereas a _man_ would study the thing for a week and then know nothing +about it! I will just mention a few horses that my readers will do +well to "keep their eye on," that is if they can--for really at Ascot +one does not pay much attention to the races--and in conclusion I +will give my "one-horse selection" for the _last_ in the Gold Cup. The +expression "one-horsed," is, I believe, generally used contemptuously, +but it must serve till I find time to think out another, which is +impossible at present, as the luncheon-gong has just sounded, and +I have visions of a lobster-salad and iced Hock-Cup! And now to +prophesy? On the "_Queen's Birthday_" a "_Sprightly_" "_Buccaneer_" +gave an "_Order_" to attack "_Harfleur_", captured the town, and at +the end of the "_Comedy_" paid the "_Bill_!" + + Yours devotedly, + LADY GAY. + +GOLD CUP TIP. + + The bloom on the leaf of a first-rate cigar + Is expressed by the trade as "Flor Fina," + But the sight, to a racing-man, finer by far + Is the bloom of the mare "_Caterina_!" + + * * * * * + +GOOD NEWS!!--"Apprehended Great Cyclone!" So ran the heading of +a paragraph in the _Daily Telegraph_ last Friday. We trust this +turbulent person once apprehended, will be sentenced and imprisoned. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14745 *** diff --git a/14745-h/14745-h.htm b/14745-h/14745-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..af93913 --- /dev/null +++ b/14745-h/14745-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1902 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> +<html> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 102, June 18, 1892, by Various</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + .sc {font-variant: small-caps;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note, .footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .drama {margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .drama p {margin: 1em 0em 0em 0em;; padding-left: 2em; text-indent: -2em;} + .drama p.i2 {margin: 0; margin-left: 1em;} + .drama p.i4 {margin: 0; margin-left: 2em;} + .drama p.i6 {margin: 0; margin-left: 3em;} + .drama p.i8 {margin: 0; margin-left: 4em;} + .drama p.i10 {margin: 0; margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + p.author {text-align: right;} + a:link {color:#0000ff; + text-decoration:none} + link {color:#0000ff; + text-decoration:none} + a:visited {color:#0000ff; + text-decoration:none} + a:hover {color:#ff0000} + pre {font-size: 8pt;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14745 ***</div> +<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 102, +June 18, 1892, by Various, Edited by F. C. Burnand</h1> +<hr class="full" /> + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 102.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>June 18, 1892.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page289" + id="page289"></a>[pg 289]</span> + + <h2>THE COURIER OF THE HAGUE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By the "Vacuus Viator."</i>)</h4> + + <p>He is an elderly amiable little Dutchman in a soft felt hat; + his name is BOSCH, and he is taking me about. <i>Why</i> I + engaged him I don't quite know—unless from a general + sense of helplessness in Holland, and a craving for any kind of + companionship. Now I have got him, I feel rather more helpless + than ever—a sort of composite of <i>Sandford</i> and + <i>Merton</i>, with a didactic, but frequently incomprehensible + <i>Dutch Barlow</i>. My <i>Sandford</i> half would like to + exhibit an intelligent curiosity, but is generally suppressed + by <i>Merton</i>, who has a morbid horror of useful + information. Not that BOSCH is remarkably erudite, but + nevertheless he contrives to reduce me to a state of + imbecility, which I catch myself noting with a pained surprise. + There is a statue in the Plein, and the <i>Sandford</i> element + in me finds a satisfaction in recognising it aloud as WILLIAM + the Silent. It is—but, as my <i>Merton</i> part thinks, a + fellow <i>would</i> be a fool if he didn't recognise WILLIAM + after a few hours in Holland—his images, in one form or + another, are tolerably numerous. Still, BOSCH is gratified. + "Yass, dot is ole VOLLIAM," he says, approvingly, as to a + precocious infant just beginning to take notice. "Lokeer," he + says, "you see dot Apoteek?" He indicates a chemist's shop + opposite, with nothing remarkable about it externally, except a + Turk's head with his tongue out over the door. "Yes, I, + speaking for <i>Sandford</i> and <i>Merton</i>, see + it—has it some historical interest—did VOLLIAM get + medicine there, or what?" "Woll, dis mornin dare vas two + sairvans dere, and de von cot two blaces out of de odder's + haid, and afderwarts he go opstairs and vas hang himself mit a + pedbost," BOSCH evidently rather proud of this as illustrating + the liveliness of The Hague. "Was he mad?" "Yass, he vas mard, + mit a vife and seeks childrens." "No, but was he out of his + senses?" "I tink it vas oud of Omsterdam he vas com," says + BOSCH. "But how did it happen?" "Wol-sare, de broprietor vas + die, and leaf de successor de pusiness, and he dells him in von + mons he will go, begause he nod egsamin to be a + Chimigal—so he do it, and dey dake him to de hosbital, + and I tink <i>he</i> vas die too by now!" adds BOSCH, + cheerfully. Very sad affair evidently—but a little + complicated. <i>Sandford</i> would like to get to the bottom of + it, but <i>Merton</i> convinced there is <i>no</i> bottom. So, + between us, subject allowed to drop. <i>Sandford</i> (now in + the ascendant again) notices, as the clever boy, inscription on + house-front, "Hier woonden GROEN VAN PRINSTERER, 1838-76." "I + suppose that means VAN PRINSTERER lived here, BOSCH?" "Yass, + dot vas it." "And who was he?" "He vas—wol, he vos a + Member of de Barliaments." "Was he celebrated?" "Celebrated? + oh, yass!" "What did he <i>do</i>?" (I think <i>Merton</i> gets + this in.) "Do?" says BOSCH, quite indignantly, "he nefer do + <i>nodings</i>!" BOSCH takes me into the Fishmarket, when he + directs my attention to a couple of very sooty live storks, who + are pecking about at the refuse. "Dose birts are shtorks; hier + dey vas oblige to keep alvays two shtorks for de arms of de + Haag. Ven de yong shtorks porn, de old vons vas kill." + <i>Sandford</i> shocked—<i>Merton</i> sceptical. "Keel + dem? Oh, yass, do anytings mit dem ven dey vas old," says + BOSCH, and adds:—"Ve haf de breference mit de shtorks, + eh?" What <i>is</i> he driving at? "Yass—ven <i>ve</i> + vas old, ve vas nod kill." This reminds + BOSCH—<i>Barlow</i>-like—of an anecdote. "Dere vas + a vrent to me," he begins, "he com and say to me, 'BOSCH, I am + god so shtout and my bark is so dick, I can go no more on my + lacks—vat vas I do?' To him I say, 'Wol, I dell you vat I + do mit you—I dake you at de booshair to be cot op; I tink + you vas make vary goot shdeak-meat!'" Wonder whether this is a + typical sample of BOSCH's <i>badinage</i>. "What did he say to + that, BOSCH?" "Oh, he vas vair moch loff, a-course!" says + BOSCH, with the natural complacency of a successful + humorist.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/289.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/289.png" + alt="'Some story of a scandalous but infinitely humorous nature.'" /> + </a>"Some story of a scandalous but infinitely humorous + nature." + </div> + + <p>We go into the Old Prison, and see some horrible implements + of torture, which seem to exhilarate BOSCH. "Lokeer!" he says, + "Dis vas a pinition" (BOSCH for "punishment") "mit a can. Dey + lie de man down and vasten his foots, and efery dime he was + shdrook mit de can, he jomp op and hit his vorehaid.... Hier + dey lie down de beoples on de back, and pull dis shdring + queeck, and all dese tings go roundt, and preak deir bones. Ven + de pinition vas feenish you vas det." He shows where the + Water-torture was practised. "Nottice 'ow de vater vas vork a + 'ole in de tile," he chuckles. "I tink de tile vas vary hardt + det, eh?" Then he points out a pole with a spiked prong. + "Tief-catcher—put'em in de tief's nack—and ged + 'im!" Before a grim-looking cauldron he halts appreciatively. + "You know vat dat vas for?" he says. "Dat vas for de + blode-foots; put 'em in dere, yass, and light de vire + onderneat." No idea what "<i>blode-foots</i>" may be, but from + the relish in BOSCH's tone, evidently something very + unpleasant, so don't press him for explanations. We go + upstairs, and see some dark and very mouldy dungeons, which + BOSCH is most anxious that I should enter. Make him go in + <i>first</i>, for the surroundings seem to have excited his + sense of the humorous to such a degree, that he might be unable + to resist locking me in, and leaving me, if I gave him a + chance.</p> + + <p>Outside at last, thank goodness! The Groote Kerk, according + to BOSCH, "is not vort de see," so we don't see it. + <i>Sandford</i> has a sneaking impression that I ought to go + in, but <i>Merton</i> glad to be let off. We go to see the + pictures at the Mauritshuis instead. BOSCH exchanges greetings + with the attendants in Dutch. "Got <i>another</i> of 'em in + tow, you see—and collar-work, <i>I</i> can tell you!" + would be a free translation, I suspect, of his remarks. Must + say that, in a Picture-gallery, BOSCH is a superfluous luxury. + He <i>does</i> take my ignorance just a trifle too much for + granted. He <i>might</i> give me credit for knowing the story + of ADAM and EVE, at all events! "De Sairpan gif EVA de opple, + an' EVA she gif him to ADAM," BOSCH carefully informs me, + before a "<i>Paradise</i>," by RUBENS and BRUEGHEL. This rouses + my <i>Merton</i> half to inquire what ADAM did with it. "Oh, + <i>he</i> ead him too!" says BOSCH in perfect good faith. I do + wish, too, he wouldn't lead me up to PAUL POTTER's + "<i>Bull</i>," and ask me enthusiastically if it isn't "real + meat." I shouldn't mind it so much if there were not several + English people about, without couriers—but there + <i>are</i>. My only revenge is (as <i>Merton</i>) to carefully + pick out the unsigned canvases and ask BOSCH who painted them; + whereupon, BOSCH endeavours furtively to make out the label on + the frames, and then informs me in desperation, "it was + '<i>School</i>.'—yass, <i>he</i> baint him!" BOSCH kindly + explains the subject of every picture in detail. He tells me a + DROOCHSLOOT represents a "balsham pedder." I suppose I look + bewildered, for he adds—"oppen air tance mit a village." + "Hier dey vas haf a tispute; dis man say de ham vas more value + as de cheese—dere is de cheese, and dere is the ham." + "Hier is an old man dot marry a yong vife, and two tevils com + in, and de old man he ron avay." "Hier he dress him in voman, + and de vife is vrighten." "Hier is JAN STEEN himself as a + medicine, and he veel de yong voman's polse and say dere is + nodings de madder, and de modder ask him to trink a glass of + vine." "Hier is de beach at Skavening—now dey puild + houses on de dunes—bot de beach is schdill dere." Such + are BOSCH's valuable and instructive comments, to which, as + representing <i>Sandford</i> and <i>Merton</i>, I listen with + depressed docility. All the same, can't help coming to the + conclusion that Art is <i>not</i> BOSCH's strong point. Shall + come here again—alone. We go on to the Municipal Museum, + where he shows me what <i>he</i> considers the treasures of the + collection—a glass goblet, engraved "mit dails of tobaggo + bipes," and the pipes themselves; a painting of a rose "mit ade + beople's faces in de leafs;" and a drawing of "two pirts mit + only von foots."</p> + + <p>Outside again. BOSCH shows me a house. "Lokeer. In dot house + leef an oldt lady all mit herself and ade sairvans. She com + from Friesland, yassir." Really, I think BOSCH is going to be + interesting—at last. There is a sly twinkle in his eye, + denoting some story of a scandalous but infinitely humorous + nature. "Well, BOSCH, go on—what about the old lady?" I + ask, eagerly, as <i>Merton</i>. "Wol, Sir," says BOSCH, "she + nefer go noveres." ... That's <i>all</i>! "A devilish + interesting story, <i>Sumph</i>, indeed!" to quote <i>Mr. + Wagg</i>.</p> + + <p>But, as BOSCH frequently reminds me, "It vas pedder, you + see, as a schendlemans like you go apout mit me; I dell you + tings dot vas nod in de guide-books." Which I am not in a + position to deny.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>BY ONE OF THE UNEMPLOYED.—"It is a curious fact," + wrote the Recording Angel, a very superior sort of person to + "the Printer's Devil," on the <i>Daily Telegraph</i>, "that in + Greater London last week the births registered were just one + more than twice the number of deaths. Thus grows the population + in this great Babylon." Very appropriate, in this instance, is + the title of "Great Baby-lon." If you put it down an "e," my + Lord, and spell it "berths," then these are by no means in + proportion to the unemployed youth in search of them.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page290" + id="page290"></a>[pg 290]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <h3>DISSOLUTION—(AS THE ENEMY OF THE LONDON + SEASON).</h3><a href="images/290.png"><img width="60%" + src="images/290.png" + alt="DISSOLUTION--(AS THE ENEMY OF THE LONDON SEASON)." /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There was a sound of revelry by day,</p> + + <p>And England's Capital had gathered then,</p> + + <p>Her Beauty and her Masherdom, and gay</p> + + <p>Spring's sun shone o'er smart women and swell + men;</p> + + <p>A thousand shops shone showily; and when</p> + + <p>MAY came to Mayfair, FLORA to Pall-Mall,</p> + + <p>Shrewd eyes winked hope to eyes which winked + again,</p> + + <p>And maids heard sounds as of the marriage-bell.</p> + + <p class="i2">But hush! hark! a harsh sound strikes + like a sudden knell!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Did ye not hear it? Is it howling wind?</p> + + <p>The tram-car rattling o'er the stony street?</p> + + <p>The groans of M.P.'s wearily confined</p> + + <p>To the dull House when night and morning meet,</p> + + <p>Dragged to Divisions drear with dawdling feet?</p> + </div> + </div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page291" + id="page291"></a>[pg 291]</span> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>No, hark! that heavy sound breaks in once more,</p> + + <p>The street, the hall its echoes now repeat,</p> + + <p>And nearer, clearer, deadlier than before!</p> + + <p class="i2">Arm! Arm! it is—it is—the + Elections' opening roar!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>'Tis in our midst—that figure draped and + dim,</p> + + <p>Whose mocking music makes us all afraid.</p> + + <p>"Death as the Foe!" Can it indeed be <i>Him</i>?</p> + + <p>Duller, more dirge-like tune was never played</p> + + <p>On strings more spirit-chilling. Feet are stayed</p> + + <p>Though in mid-waltz, and laughter, though at + height,</p> + + <p>Hushes, and maidens modishly arrayed</p> + + <p>For matrimonial conquest, shrink with fright;</p> + + <p class="i2">And Fashion palsied sits, and Shopdom + takes to flight.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Ah! then and there are hurryings to and fro</p> + + <p>And gathering tears, and poutings of distress,</p> + + <p>And cheeks all pale, which some short hours ago</p> + + <p>Glowed with the deep delights of Dance and + Dress;</p> + + <p>And there are sudden partings, such as press</p> + + <p>The hope from Spoons of promise, meaning sighs</p> + + <p>Which ne'er may be repeated; who can guess</p> + + <p>If ever more shall meet those mutual eyes,</p> + + <p class="i2">When Dissolution snaps the Season's + tenderest ties?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And there is scuttling in hot haste: the steed,</p> + + <p>The Coaching Meet, the Opera's latest star,</p> + + <p>The Row, the River, the Vitellian feed,—</p> + + <p>All the munitions of the Social War,</p> + + <p>Seem fruitless now, when peal on peal afar</p> + + <p>And near, the beat of the great Party Drum</p> + + <p>Rouses M.P.'s to platform joust and jar,</p> + + <p>While tongue-tied dullards scarcely dare be + dumb,</p> + + <p class="i2">When the Whips whisper "Go!" Wirepullers + clamour "Come!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Too bad! Too bad!" The Influenza chilled,</p> + + <p>Court-mourning marred, the Season's earliest + prime,</p> + + <p>And now, just as with hope young breasts are + filled,</p> + + <p>When young leaves still are verdant on the lime,</p> + + <p>When diners-out are having a good time,</p> + + <p>When Epsom's o'er and Ascot is at hand;</p> + + <p>To cut all short, is scarcely less than crime.</p> + + <p>Confusion on that wrangling party-band</p> + + <p class="i2">Whose Dissolution deals the doldrums + round the land!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Ah! wild and high those Phantom-fiddlings + rise!—</p> + + <p>All jocund June with palsying terror thrills;</p> + + <p>Fashion sits frozen dead with staring eyes.</p> + + <p>How that dread dirge the ambient Summer fills</p> + + <p>Savage and shrill! Smart frocks, soft snowy + frills,</p> + + <p>Long trains which dancing Beauty deftly steers.</p> + + <p>Through waltzes wild or devious + quadrilles,—</p> + + <p>All vanish; bosoms white, beset with fears;</p> + + <p class="i2">Beat flight as that fell strain falls + harsh on Beauty's ears.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And June yet waves above them her green leaves,</p> + + <p>Dewy with Springtide's night-drops as they pass</p> + + <p>Grieving,—if aught that's modish ever + grieves,—</p> + + <p>Over the unreturning chance. Alas!</p> + + <p>Their hopes are all cut down ere falls the + grass.</p> + + <p>That with corn-harvest might have seen full + blow.</p> + + <p>See how foiled Shopdom flies, a huddled mass</p> + + <p>Of disappointment, hurrying from the foe,</p> + + <p class="i2">Who all their Season's prospects + shatters, and lays low.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Last month beheld them full of lusty life.</p> + + <p>Beauty, and Wealth, and Pleasure, proudly gay;</p> + + <p>This music brings the signal-sound of strife,</p> + + <p>This month the marshalling to arms. Away!</p> + + <p>Party's magnificently sham array</p> + + <p>The muster of Mode's mob will soon have rent.</p> + + <p>Play on, O Phantom, ominously play!</p> + + <p>Death as the Foe! They fly before thee, blent,</p> + + <p class="i2">Maid, Matron, Masher, Mime, in general + discontent!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:70%;"> + <a href="images/291.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/291.png" + alt="THE DARWINIAN THEORY—VARIATION FROM ENVIRONMENT." /> + </a> + + <h3>THE DARWINIAN THEORY—VARIATION FROM + ENVIRONMENT.</h3> + + <table align="center" + summary="caption"> + <tr> + <td>"KNOCKED 'EM IN THE OLD KENT KOAD!"</td> + + <td>"ATTRACTED ALL EYES AT CHURCH PARADE."</td> + </tr> + </table> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>ADVICE GRATIS.</h3> + + <p>DEBT.—"SIMPLE SIMON" writes: "A man owes me money + which he cannot pay. He lives in furnished lodgings, and has + given me a Bill of Sale on the furniture. Is this sufficient + security? He also offers to insure his life for £200 if I will + advance him £100, which will be the cost of the first premium, + which he says is always heavy. I am disposed to close with this + offer. Am I prudent?"—Prudent is hardly the word to + describe you. We should not in your position make the advance + mentioned. A retreat would be much better tactics. We fancy, + from your description, that your friend would do well as a + Company Promoter.</p> + + <p>STOCK-DEALING TRANSACTIONS.—"Will you advise me under + the following circumstances?" asks "CHEERFUL SOUL," on a + post-card. "I placed £50 with an Outside Broker as a + speculation for the rise in Cashville and Toothpeka First + Preference. Yesterday I received a note to say I had lost my + money, as 'cover had run off.' On repairing to the Broker's + Office, I was surprised to find it apparently deserted. What is + my remedy?"—We should imagine that the Broker had "run + off" too. Your remedy is—not to speculate again. + "Flutters" lead to the Gutters.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page292" + id="page292"></a>[pg 292]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:55%;"> + <a href="images/292-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/292-1.png" + alt="THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE EXPRESSED OTHERWISE." /> + </a> + + <h3>THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE EXPRESSED OTHERWISE.</h3> + + <p><i>Married Vicar</i>, "WELL, MY BISHOP WAS VERY + PARTICULAR WITH <i>ME</i>. AMONG OTHER THINGS, HE ASKED ME, + BEFORE PRESENTING ME, <i>WHETHER MY WIFE WAS A + LADY</i>!"</p> + + <p><i>His Curate</i> (<i>reflectively</i>). "I CAN + <i>QUITE</i> UNDERSTAND <i>THAT</i>!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE WAY THEY HAVE IN THE ARMY.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>A Conversation—Purely Imaginary.</i>)</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>Pall Mall. Present</i>, SECRETARY OF + STATE <i>and</i> Military Adviser.</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Mil. A.</i> I want to know your ideas about the + Autumn Manoeuvres. Are we to have any this year?</p> + + <p><i>Sec. of S.</i> (<i>with a melancholy smile</i>). That + depends upon circumstances not entirely under my + control.</p> + + <p><i>Mil. A.</i> Oh, yes; I know. But Governments may come + and Governments may go, but the State flows on for ever. + Whatever <i>you</i> commence <i>they</i> will have to carry + out.</p> + + <p><i>Sec. of S.</i> Can we have these Manoeuvres without + expense?</p> + + <p><i>Mil. A.</i> Well, scarcely. For instance, there is + the ammunition.</p> + + <p><i>Sec. of S.</i> Oh, we can get over that! Every + soldier, when he is supposed to fire, can say, "Bang!" or + words to that effect. We might add the direction to the new + Provisional Drill-Book.</p> + + <p><i>Mil. A.</i> (<i>drily</i>). Yes, you might; and it + would prove about as useful as the other regulations in + that remarkable volume! Well, suppose the difficulty of + ammunition surmounted, what next?</p> + + <p><i>Sec. of S.</i> Well, I suppose we shall have to spend + some money on the farmers for rights of way and the rest of + it?</p> + + <p><i>Mil. A.</i> I suppose so, if you want the troops to + move over an unfamiliar country.</p> + + <p><i>Sec. of S.</i> But I am not sure I do. Why shouldn't + they learn how to defend Aldershot? Then it would cost + nothing. What next?</p> + + <p><i>Mil. A.</i> Well, there will be the Commissariat + expenses.</p> + + <p><i>Sec. of S.</i> Suppose food costs the same in most + places. Besides, isn't TOMMY ATKINS supposed to purchase + his own victuals?</p> + + <p><i>Mil. A.</i> Yes, theoretically I suppose he is; but + practically he—</p> + + <p><i>Sec. of S.</i> Oh, bother practice! Of course he + must, somehow; he must pay for the Commissariat out of his + own pocket.</p> + + <p><i>Mil. A.</i> Well, then there is the question of + transport. Of course, many regiments have their own waggons + and carts, but for a special occasion I think it would be + advisable if—</p> + + <p><i>Sec. of S.</i> (<i>interrupting</i>). What nonsense! + Why, of course we will make them all walk. It will do them + a world of good!</p> + + <p><i>Mil. A.</i> Well, as we want to bring some from + Scotland, it will distinctly be a long walk—a very + long walk indeed!</p> + + <p><i>Sec. of S.</i> (<i>heartily</i>). So much the + better—so much the better!</p> + + <p><i>Mil. A.</i> (<i>sarcastically</i>). I fancy you will + have to pay a large bill in shoe-leather!</p> + + <p><i>Sec. of S.</i> (<i>aghast</i>). So we shall! Oh, + bother the Manoeuvres just now! The fact is, I have to + think of other things!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Scene closes in upon</i> Secretary <i>thinking + of other things.</i></p> + </blockquote> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>STUDIES IN THE NEW POETRY.</h2> + + <h3>No. II.</h3> + + <p>MR. PUNCH's first example of the New Poetry was, it may be + remembered, in the rhymed, irregular style. It is not a + difficult style. The lines may be long or short; some may groan + under an accumulation of words, while others consist of merely + two or three—a most unfair distribution. The style of the + following specimen, (also by Mr. H-NL-Y) is, however, even + easier to manage. There are no rhymes and very few + restrictions. The lines are very short, and a few words, + therefore, go a very long way, which is always a consideration, + even if you don't happen to be paid by the column. This style + is very fierce and bloodthirsty and terrible. Timid people are, + therefore, advised, for the sake of their nerves, not to read + any farther.</p> + + <h3>THE SONG OF THE POKER.</h3> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/292-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/292-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i4">The Poker,</p> + + <p class="i4">Clanging.</p> + + <p>I am the Poker the straight and the strong,</p> + + <p class="i2">Prone in the fire grate,</p> + + <p class="i2">Black at the nether end,</p> + + <p class="i2">Knobby and nebulous.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">Fashioned for fight</p> + + <p class="i2">In the Pit Acherontic:</p> + + <p class="i2">Many have grappled me,</p> + + <p class="i2">Poised me and thrust me</p> + + <p class="i4">Into the glowing,</p> + + <p class="i2">The flashing and furious</p> + + <p class="i4">Heart of the fire.</p> + + <p class="i2">Raked with me, prized with me,</p> + + <p class="i4">Till on a sudden</p> + + <p class="i2">Besparked and encircled</p> + + <p class="i2">With Welsh or with Wallsend,</p> + + <p class="i4">Shattering, battering</p> + + <p class="i6">They drew me away.</p> + + <p class="i4">Others in rivalry,</p> + + <p class="i6">Thinking to better</p> + + <p class="i2">The previous performance,</p> + + <p class="i4">Seized me again;</p> + + <p class="i2">Pushed with a leverage</p> + + <p class="i4">Hard on the haft of me,</p> + + <p class="i2">Till with the shocks</p> + + <p class="i2">Sank the red fire,</p> + + <p class="i2">Shivered and sank</p> + + <p class="i2">Subdued into blackness.</p> + + <p class="i4">That is my Toil;</p> + + <p class="i2">I am the Poker.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, and the burglar's head</p> + + <p class="i2">Often hath felt me,</p> + + <p class="i2">Hard, undesirable</p> + + <p class="i2">Cracker of craniums.</p> + + <p>I have drunk of the blood,</p> + + <p>The red blood, the life-blood</p> + + <p class="i2">Of the wife of the drunkard.</p> + + <p>Hoh! then, the glory.</p> + + <p class="i2">The joyous, ineffable</p> + + <p class="i2">Cup of fulfilment,</p> + + <p class="i2">When the policeman,</p> + + <p class="i2">Tall with a bull's-eye,</p> + + <p class="i2">Took me and shook me,</p> + + <p class="i2">Produced me in evidence,</p> + + <p class="i2">There in the dim</p> + + <p class="i2">Unappeasable grisliness</p> + + <p class="i2">Of the Police-Court.</p> + + <p>Women to shrink at me,</p> + + <p>Men to be cursed with me,</p> + + <p>Bloodstained, contemptuous,</p> + + <p class="i2">Laid on the table.</p> + + <p class="i2">I am the Minister,</p> + + <p class="i4">Azrael's Minister.</p> + + <p class="i4">I am the Poker.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page293" + id="page293"></a>[pg 293]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/293-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/293-1.png" + alt="VENUS (ANNO DOMINI 1892) RISES FROM THE SEA!!" /> + </a> + + <h3>VENUS (ANNO DOMINI 1892) RISES FROM THE SEA!!</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OPERATIC NOTES.</h2> + + <p><i>Wednesday</i>.—Great German Night. Third Part of + the Festival Play for Four Nights by RICHARD WAGNER, with + (thank goodness just to lighten it) an English translation by + the Messrs. CORDER.</p> + + <p>"<i>Sursum Corder!</i>" A light and airy work as everyone + knows is <i>Der Ring des Nibelungen</i>, or <i>The Nibelung's + Ring</i>, requiring all the power of lungs to get the true ring + out of the work. Hard work for singers, more so for orchestra, + and most so for audience. As for the "Ring," there are a lot of + animals in the Opera, but no horse, so the Circus entertainment + is not complete until <i>Brünnhilde</i> shall appear in the + next part of the tetralogy, with her highly-trained steed. Odd! + Throughout two long (and, ahem! somewhat weary, eh?) Acts, not + a female singer visible on stage (though one sings "like a + bird" off it,—that is, quite appropriately, "at the + wings"), and not until the Third Act, does <i>Erda</i> the + witch "rise from below," and we all saw her and 'Erd 'er. Then, + later on, appears <i>Brünnhilde</i>, asleep, "in a complete + suit of gleaming plate-armour, with helmet on her head and long + shield over her body," a style of free-and-easy costume which, + as everyone knows, is highly conducive to sleeping in perfect + comfort. No wonder <i>Siegfried</i> mistakes her for a + man-in-armour out of the Lord Mayor's Show, and exclaims,</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/293-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/293-2.png" + alt="Scenes in the Ring. Sir Alvary Siegfried, with Nothung on, as Master of 'the Ring,' gives a Special Entertainment." /> + </a>Scenes in the Ring. Sir Alvary Siegfried, with Nothung + on, as Master of "the Ring," gives a Special Entertainment. + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Ha, a Warrior, sure!</p> + + <p>I scan with wonder his form!"</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>(I was scanning with wonder the verses,—but + <i>passons!</i>)—he continues:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"His haughty head</p> + + <p>Is pressed by the helm!"</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>This at first sight looks nautical; and therefore his next + question is, "Can I speak to the man at the wheel?" He decides + that, as the sleeping warrior "heaveth his breast," and "is + heavily breathing," it will be a humane act to give him a + little air,—[which is done in the orchestra whatever air + there is],—and then <i>Siegfried</i> asks himself if it + won't be as well, or "better, to open his byrnie?" Those among + the audience who have been carefully reading the translation up + to this point, here look up and closely watch + <i>Siegfried's</i> proceedings, being evidently uncertain as to + what "his byrnie" may be. Some clever person in Stalls observes + that up to now, he has always thought that "'byrnie' was the + affectionate diminutive for a mountain 'byrne' in Scotland." + Which clever person had evidently much to learn. However the + effect of the operation for "byrnie" (which ought to have been + performed by Dr. BYRNIE YEO, ever ready to rescue a + fellow-creature in distress) is to show that the supposed + Knight is a Lady. Whereupon <i>Siegfried</i> with "surprise and + astonishment starts back" exclaiming:—</p> + + <p>"This is no man! Burning enchantment"—he meant + "Byrnieing"—"charges my heart;"—(what charge does a + heart make in these circumstances?)—"fiery awe falls on + my eyesight;" (bad symptoms these!)—"My senses stagger + and sway,"—So <i>he</i> swaggers and stays.</p> + + <p>It is some time before he can pull himself together, and + then the "Bewitched Maiden" awakes and addresses him + bewitchingly. This causes him to be taken with a fit of + "exalted rapture," while the lady, on her part, cannot help + being "deeply stirred."</p> + + <p>After a mad wooing, she laughs in a "wild transport of + passion," calls him a "high-minded boy," likewise "a blossoming + hero," also "a babe of prowess;" all which epithets, styles and + titles, are in quite the vein of <i>Falstaff</i> addressing + <i>Prince Hal</i>. Then, in return, <i>Siegfried</i> can hit on + no better compliment than to style her "a Sun" and "a Star." + Having thus exhausted their joint-stock of complimentary + endearments, they throw themselves into each other's arms. On + which situation the Curtain discreetly falls.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:32%;"> + <a href="images/293-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/293-3.png" + alt="Sir Druriolanus Wagnerensis offering the Tea-tray-logy to his Patrons." /> + </a>Sir Druriolanus Wagnerensis offering the Tea-tray-logy + to his Patrons. + </div> + + <p>All very fine and large, of course. Orchestra splendid. + <i>Siegfried</i> and <i>Brünnhilde</i> recalled four times. + Everybody, including Mr. MAHLER the Conductor, and Sir AUGUSTUS + WAGNERENSIS, called before Curtain. Madame ROSA SUCHER had her + evening all to herself, to go wherever she liked, as she had + only to drop in at the Opera at 11 P.M., don her armour in + which to appear before the public at midnight, sing a few + solos, join in a duet, and be off the stage again by 12:30 A.M. + punctually.</p> + + <p>The English translation will repay perusal. There are in it + some really choice morsels. This subject must be considered at + the earliest operatunity.</p> + + <p>The Singing Dragon is delightful throughout, and his death + as tragic as anything in <i>Pyramis</i> and <i>Thisbe</i> as + played by <i>Bottom the Weaver & Co</i>, + <i>Limited</i>.</p> + + <p><i>Saturday</i>.—Production of the Illustrious ISIDORE + DE LARA's <i>Light of Asia</i>. So the operatic day, that is + Saturde-ay, finishes with generally-expressed opinion that this + Opera is a</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"DE-LA-RA-Boom-de-ay!"</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Everything scenically and stage-managerially that could be + done to make <i>The Light of Asia</i> brilliant, Sir + DRURIOLANUS has done; but, after a first hearing, it strikes me + that, regarded as a work for the stage, it is a mere + <i>Night-light of Asia</i>, which, like <i>Macbeth's</i> "brief + candle," will go "out," and "then be heard no more." If, + however, it be relegated to the concert-hall, as a Cantata, + <i>The Light of Asia</i> may appear lighter than it does on the + boards of Covent Garden, where, intended to be a dramatic + Opera, it only recalls to me the title of one of RUDYARD + KIPLING's stories, viz., <i>The Light that Failed</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A SUTTON THOUGHT.—Mr. CHAMBERLAIN can now allude to + Lord ROSEBERY as "a Sutton person of his acquaintance."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page294" + id="page294"></a>[pg 294]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/294.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/294.png" + alt="QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS." /></a> + + <h3>QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS.</h3> + + <p><i>Unfashionable Mother.</i> "WHAT A SWEET CHILD! HOW + OLD IS SHE?"</p> + + <p><i>Fashionable Mother.</i> "WELL, REALLY, IF YOU ARE + GOING TO ASK <i>THAT</i> SORT OF QUESTION, I'D BETTER SEND + FOR THE NURSE!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>AN OLD SONG REVIVED.</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>(<i>As sung by the Champion Ulster "Comique," Colonel + S-nd-rs-n, to the old tune of "De Groves of de Pool," + written by "honest Dick Millikin."</i>)</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Whillaloo! If they droive us to foighting,</p> + + <p class="i2">'Tis ourselves who will lead 'em a + dance,</p> + + <p>Till, loike the Cork bhoys, they're deloighting,</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>Back again</i> to their homes to + <i>advance</i>!</p> + + <p>No longer in beating such rebels</p> + + <p class="i2">We'll take than in baiting a bull.</p> + + <p>How they'll squake, in effeminate trebles,</p> + + <p class="i2">When Ulster's battalions are full!</p> + + <p class="i10">Ri fol didder rol didder rol!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>We</i> trate 'em as loving relations?</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>We</i> trust to the "Union of + Hearts"?</p> + + <p><i>We</i> heed the Grand Old One's orations?</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>We</i> play the Minority's parts?</p> + + <p><i>We</i> bow to the yoke of TIM HEALY?</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>We</i> stoop to the Papisthry + rule?</p> + + <p>Faix! them who imagine it really</p> + + <p class="i2">Must fancy that "Orange" spells + "fool."</p> + + <p class="i10">Ri fol didder rol didder rol!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>We</i> consint to a sham House o' Commons</p> + + <p class="i2">Established on ould College Green?</p> + + <p>They fancy we're Radical rum 'uns!</p> + + <p class="i2">Allaygiance we owe to our QUEEN!</p> + + <p>But we're fly to <i>their</i> thraitorous + dodges;</p> + + <p class="i2">Our loyalty's edge would they dull?</p> + + <p>Fwit! We'll pour like a flood from our Lodges,</p> + + <p class="i2">And crack every "National" skull!</p> + + <p class="i10">Ri fol didder rol didder rol!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>We're all friends of Law and of Order,</p> + + <p class="i2">But would they wrench <i>us</i> from the + Crown?</p> + + <p>We'll soon be a-singing "<i>Boyne Water</i>,"</p> + + <p class="i2">And marching to "<i>Croppies, lie + down!</i>"</p> + + <p>'Tis we have the Men and the Money,</p> + + <p class="i2">We don't <i>want</i> to foight, we're + quite cool.</p> + + <p>But, by Jingo, our foes will look funny,</p> + + <p class="i2">When Ulster turns out 'gin Home Rule!</p> + + <p class="i10">Ri fol didder rol didder rol!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>To-day in our myriads we muster.</p> + + <p class="i2">Friendly <i>warning</i> is all that + <i>we</i> mean.</p> + + <p>About SOLLY's "incitement" Rads fluster;</p> + + <p class="i2">We're thrue to the Crown and the + QUEEN:</p> + + <p>But Ulster no "pathriot" shall sever,</p> + + <p class="i2">And Ulster no "Papish" shall school.</p> + + <p>Whillaloo! Here's the Union for ever,</p> + + <p class="i2">And into the Boyne wid Home Rule!</p> + + <p class="i10">Ri fol didder rol didder rol!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Och! Here's to Dutch WILLIAM the Pious!</p> + + <p class="i2">And here's to VICTORIA the Good!</p> + + <p>If they think we <i>won't</i> foight, let 'em try + us!</p> + + <p class="i2">They mock at an Orangeman's mood,</p> + + <p>But once set the Green 'gainst the Yellow,</p> + + <p class="i2">(Wid no one our coat-tails to pull,)</p> + + <p>And I pity the pathriots who bellow</p> + + <p class="i2">(Like bhoys in a bog) for Home Rule!</p> + + <p class="i10">Ri fol didder rol didder rol!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Come, all loyal props of the nation,</p> + + <p class="i2">Come fill up a bumper all round!</p> + + <p>Drink success to our great federation;</p> + + <p class="i2">With Brummy JOE's blessing 'tis + crowned.</p> + + <p><i>He</i> says we are heroes, right stingo,</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>He</i> vows W.G.'s an old fool.</p> + + <p>No, we <i>don't</i> want to fight, but, by + Jingo,</p> + + <p class="i2">Whin we <i>do</i>—it's all up wid + Home Rule!</p> + + <p class="i10">Ri fol didder rol didder rol!</p> + + <p class="i10">[<i>Left "bombinating."</i></p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>A BACHELOR'S GROWL.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, the beautiful women, the women of ancient + days,</p> + + <p class="i2">The ripe and the red, who are done and + dead,</p> + + <p class="i4">With never a word of praise;</p> + + <p>The rich, round SALLIES and SUSANS, the POLLIES and + JOANS and PRUES,</p> + + <p class="i2">Who guarded their fame, and saw no + shame</p> + + <p class="i4">In walking in low-heeled shoes.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>They never shrieked on a platform; they never + desired a vote;</p> + + <p class="i2">They sat in a row and liked things + slow,</p> + + <p class="i4">While they knitted or patched a coat.</p> + + <p>They lived with nothing of Latin, and a jolly sight + less of Greek,</p> + + <p class="i2">And made up their books, and changed + their cooks</p> + + <p class="i4">On an average once a week.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>They never ventured in hansoms, nor climbed to the + topmost 'bus,</p> + + <p class="i2">Nor talked with a twang in the latest + slang;</p> + + <p class="i4">They left these fashions to us.</p> + + <p>But, ah, she was sweet and pleasant, though possibly + not well-read,</p> + + <p class="i2">The excellent wife who cheered your + life,</p> + + <p class="i4">And vanished at ten to bed.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And it's oh the pity, the pity that time should ever + annul</p> + + <p class="i2">The wearers of skirts who mended + shirts,</p> + + <p class="i4">And never thought nurseries dull.</p> + + <p>For everything's topsy-turvy now, the men are bedded + at ten,</p> + + <p class="i2">While the women sit up, and smoke and + sup</p> + + <p class="i4">In the Club of the Chickless Hen.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page295" + id="page295"></a>[pg 295]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/295.png"><img width="70%" + src="images/295.png" + alt="AN OLD SONG REVIVED." /></a> + + <h3>AN OLD SONG REVIVED.</h3>COLONEL S-ND-RS-N <i>(the + Irish "Lion Comique") sings</i>— + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"WE DON'T WANT TO FIGHT,</p> + + <p>BUT, BY JINGO, IF WE DO, ——"</p> + </div> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page297" + id="page297"></a>[pg 297]</span> + + <h3>THE USEFUL CRICKETER.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>A Candid Veteran's Confession.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:18%;"> + <a href="images/297-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/297-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I am rather a "pootlesome" bat—</p> + + <p class="i2">I seldom, indeed, make a run;</p> + + <p>But I'm rather the gainer by that,</p> + + <p class="i2">For it's bad to work hard in the sun.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>As a "field" I am not worth a jot,</p> + + <p class="i2">And no one expects me to be;</p> + + <p>My run is an adipose trot,</p> + + <p class="i2">My "chances" I never can see.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I am never invited to bowl,</p> + + <p class="i2">And though, p'raps, this seems like a + slight</p> + + <p>In the depths of my innermost soul</p> + + <p class="i2">I've a notion the Captain is right.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In short, I may freely admit</p> + + <p class="i2">I am not what you'd call a great + catch;</p> + + <p>But yet my initials are writ</p> + + <p class="i2">In the book against every match!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>For although—ay, and there is the + rub—</p> + + <p class="i2">I am forty and running to fat,</p> + + <p>I have made it all right with the Club,</p> + + <p class="i2">By presenting an Average Bat!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>PRIVATE REFLECTIONS OF THE PUBLIC ORATOR AT CAMBRIDGE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>As recorded by Mr. Punch's Patent Phonograph.</i>)</h4> + + <p>Deadly business, this Latin joking. One speech is bad + enough, but fifteen are absolutely crushing. Still it must be + done. Shade of CICERO, befriend me! Here goes:—</p> + + <p>"What on earth can I say about the DUKE OF EDINBURGH? + Mustn't offend these blessed Royalties. Am told they never take + kindly to jokes. Let me see, he served on the <i>Euryalus</i> + (query? ought I to bring in <i>Nisus</i>). Travelled a great + deal—<i>multorum vidit et urbes</i>. <i>Mem.</i> Work + this up. By the way, ALFRED's his name. Bring in ALFRED and the + cakes. ALFRED thrashed Danes. PRINCE OF WALES married a Dane. + To be worked up. Sailor-Prince: <i>mem.</i> <i>O navis + referent, etc.</i> See also VIRGIL's description of storm. + Prince plays fiddle. Might say that VIRGIL was poet <i>quem + vicina Cremonæ Mantua genuit</i>. Did this, years ago, for old + JOACHIM, but can use it again. Never mind the <i>væ nimium + miseræ vicina Cremonæ</i>. Prince won't know about that. What's + the best Latin for Admiral? Daughter betrothed to Crown PRINCE + OF ROUMANIA. Can get in Roman legionaries. Ripping!!</p> + + <p>"NORTHBROOK's fairly easy. Oxford man. Mustn't mention he + only got Second Class. Never mind, India will pull me through. + Conquests of ALEXANDER, and all that sort of thing. Must look + up RUDYARD KIPLING for latest tips. Dusky brothers (Query, + <i>sub-fusci fratres?</i>) good Academical joke this; sure to + fetch the VICE-CHANCELLOR. Pity the CHANCELLOR's so poor in + Latin.</p> + + <p>"CRANBROOK next. Bother all these brooks! He's a Viscount + (<i>Vice-Comes</i> DE CRANBROOK). Lord President of Council; + looks after education. That'll do it. Who's this fool that has + sent a post-card asking me to say something about <i>Educatio + libera</i>? <i>Num est tuus servus canis ut hanc rem + faciat?</i></p> + + <p>"HENRY JAMES. Dear me! No University education. Must refer to + CICERO as a barrister. <i>Solicitor Generalis</i> doesn't sound + right somehow. Refused to be Lord Chancellor. <i>Mem.</i> Get + good joking Latin for Woolsack. Factory and Workshops Act must + see me through.</p> + + <p>"JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN. Hard nut to crack. Can't say I like him + myself. <i>Birminghamiæ decus; civium consensu + ter</i>—What the dickens is Mayor in Latin? Did anybody + make screws in ancient Rome? <i>Mem.</i> Work up orchids and + eyeglass. <i>Una cum Cancellario nostro seni grandi + restitit.</i> Absolutely no literary distinction. Still, he's + got a son who was a Cambridge man. Must get in a sly dig at + OSCAR BROWNING and East Worcestershire. Something about old-age + pensions. Bah, I hate the job!</p> + + <p>"JOHN MORLEY. Humph! Delicate ground. Home Rule's got to be + skimmed over. Only consistent Home-Ruler of the lot (<i>sibi + constat</i>). Books by the dozen (<i>lucidus ordo, etc.</i>). + French Revolution (<i>res novæ</i>). Ardent reformer (<i>res + renovanda radicitus</i>). Ought to drag in <i>impiger, + iracundus, inexorabilis acer</i>. Better not, on second + thoughts.</p> + + <p>"That's enough for one morning. Polish off the rest + to-morrow. <i>Mem.</i> WEBSTER won two miles against Oxford + (<i>duo millia passuum; Oxoniensibus triumphatus</i>, and a few + japes about Isthmian games. Must fetch them). Remember to give + ROBY one or two for himself over his Latin grammar. Mostly + wrong. He'd better stick to making reels of cotton. SEELEY and + the others can wait."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MR. HARDUP lately came into a large fortune, and changed his + name to SKATTERKASH. He has started a coach, and drives four + duns. "The duns used always to be after me," says he; "now I've + got 'em before me. It's a pleasant reminder of unpleasant + times."</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>KENSINGTON GARDENS.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>In the Summer Evenings, after Eight.</i>)</h4> + + <p><i>As they are, always.</i>—Closed. Within, a solitary + policeman, moping. Without, the jaded citizens, gasping on a + dusty road, and gazing through the iron railings at the cool + groves within. A mile away, or nearer, some military bands + (paid—by whom?—no matter—ultimately by + tax-payers, who don't get much for their money), bored to death + for lack of work, and any number of charitable institutions + spending half their funds in advertising for more.</p> + + <p><i>As they might be, sometimes.</i>—Open. At the gate + energetic policemen taking the shillings of eager citizens who + crowd in to sit and smoke in the cool groves, lighted by + inexpensive Chinese lanterns, and to listen to the music of the + military bands, now alert, cheerful and occupied. Scattered + through the cool groves a few energetic, but unobtrusive, + policemen, seeing that everyone behaves as quietly as at the + Fisheries or the Healtheries. And (the next morning) any number + of charitable institutions receiving the shillings thus + virtuously and profitably spent.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>SYLLOGISMS OF THE STUMP.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Selected—and condensed—from recent Platform + "Arguments."</i>)</h4> + + <p>There is no principle, no precedent, no reason why, if the + majority desire anything, a Legislative sanction should not be + given to their decision.</p> + + <p>The majority in Ireland desire Home Rule.</p> + + <p>Therefore, it would be an outrage to the minority to give + Legislative sanction to that desire.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/297-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/297-2.png" + alt="Going to the Country with a Cry." /></a>Going to + the Country with a Cry. + </div> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The influence of Women in politics must be elevating and + refining.</p> + + <p>That influence can be most effectively and legitimately + exercised by and through possession of the Electoral + Franchise.</p> + + <p>Therefore it would unsex and degrade women to give them the + Parliamentary vote.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is useless to receive a deputation (say, upon Eight + Hours' Day legislation) unless you "mean business" in that + matter.</p> + + <p><i>I</i> do not mean business in that matter—at + present.</p> + + <p>Therefore I shall be delighted to receive the + deputation.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Liberal Legislation is bad for the country.</p> + + <p>The present Government has successfully accomplished more + Liberal Legislation than any of its predecessors.</p> + + <p>Therefore the country should vote for the present + Government.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The Gladstone Government of 1880 made many serious + mistakes.</p> + + <p><i>I</i> was a leading Member of that Government.</p> + + <p>Therefore you cannot go wrong in following me now.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Mr. C. made a slashing attack on Lord R., and addressed to + him certain awkward questions and posing arguments to which he + is bound to attempt an answer.</p> + + <p>Lord R. made a dashing rejoinder to Mr. C., and devoted the + whole of his speech to answering Mr. C.'s questions and + arguments.</p> + + <p>Therefore Lord R. showed bad taste and temper, and wasted + his own time and the public's.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>I have altered my opinion of many men since 1885.</p> + + <p>Many men have altered their opinion of <i>me</i> since that + same date.</p> + + <p>Therefore they are either fickle fools or idolatrous + items.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>I followed my Leader until 1881.</p> + + <p>Some follow him still.</p> + + <p>Therefore either they don't know what they do, or don't mean + what they say.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>If any logical-minded reader should object that these + so-called syllogisms are not really syllogisms at all, we + should agree with him. But then they are not only the brief and + formal expression of long-winded so-called arguments, which are + not really arguments at all, but which, veiled in floods of + verbiage, are duly presented to the public, from platform and + Press, as though they really were so. <i>Moral</i>:—The + clear analysis of stump-oratory generally takes the form of a + <i>reductio ad absurdum</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MUTUAL ADVERTISEMENT BY THE COURT JESTER.—At the + Shaftesbury Theatre is announced <i>A Play in Little</i>. At + the Court they might announce a LITTLE in a Play. + [N.B.—For explanation see Cast under Clock.] Just now, + very little in any play.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page298" + id="page298"></a>[pg 298]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/298.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/298.png" + alt="A DISTINCTION WITH A DIFFERENCE." /></a> + + <h3>A DISTINCTION WITH A DIFFERENCE.</h3> + + <p><i>Mistress</i> (<i>to applicant for situation, who has + been dismissed, from her last place</i>). "SO YOU'VE JUST + LEFT? DIDN'T YOUR SITUATION SUIT YOU?"</p> + + <p><i>Martha.</i> "OH YES, 'M. SITUATION SOOTED ME VERY + WELL. IT WAS ME, MUM, AS DIDN'T SOOT THE SITUATION!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>FROM A LAHORE PAPER.—"<i>Punch</i>," the writer ought + to have said "<i>Mr. Punch</i>,"—"possesses a battery of + guns, and maintains a standing army of 1,200 men." Quite + correct. Wonderful how they get the news out there. The guns + fire a hundred jokes per minute; all killing ones. The standing + army do the thing well, and will stand anything (well-iced) to + all friends within reasonable limits, under command of <i>Mr. + Punch</i>, President.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>VERY NATURAL.—Mrs. BROWN POTTER, tired of playing a + Hero, is now coming out as a Heroine before the Chaff'dsbury + Theatre is shut up.</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>ROD and RIVER</i> is the title of a useful book about + fly-fishing (it only needs "fly-leaves" for notes to make it + perfect), written by a Major bearing the appropriate name of + FISHER. One note he might append for the benefit of intending + Etonians, that those who, not having "passed" their swimming + examination, venture to go on the "river", are in danger of the + "rod."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MRS. RAM was told that Mr. JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN is a giant in + intellect. She said, "I don't know much about intellect, but he + must be a very big giant to carry an orchard in his + buttonhole."</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>ODONT.!</h2> + + <h4>(<i>An Ode to the Modern Flora.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, Flora, fair Goddess of Flowers, skies brighten, + the gardens are glowing,</p> + + <p>And lo! 'tis the season of Flower Shows, when + everything seems "All-a-blowing!"</p> + + <p>And what the dickens you've been up to with the + dictionary, I'm dashed if there's any possibility of + knowing.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Talk about "Volapück." Why, it isn't a circumstance + compared with the floral goddess's crack-jaw.</p> + + <p>I've been trying to read the account of a Flower + Show to my wife. Now, at patter-songs I've a slick + tongue and slack jaw.</p> + + <p>I can do "<i>John Wellington Wells</i>" pretty + patly; but to read through a horticultural article</p> + + <p>Would give an alligator instantaneous tetanus; and + of <i>meaning</i> the words seem to have no + particle.</p> + + <p>I should like to be introduced, in its Bornean home, + to the glorious plant called Cælo Dyana.</p> + + <p>But fancy a footman having to announce Madame + SPATHOGLOTTIS KIMBALLIANA!</p> + + <p>Odont. Uro-Skinneri <i>sounds</i> like something + medical and epidermic, but then we're informed that its + sepals and petals</p> + + <p>Are "reticulated in tender brown and broad + rosy-mauve," which immediately sends one "off the + metals."</p> + + <p>The Masdevallias may be a respectable family, though + <i>I</i> should not care to marry into it,</p> + + <p>But "the hybrid M. Mundyana representing M. Veitchii + × M. Ignea" (though "a wonderfully glowing orange" by + all accounts), sounds so exceedingly mixed and mongrel + that I'd certainly eschew it.</p> + + <p>"A noble Catt: Gigas" <i>sounds</i> rather + aristocratic: "Catt: Jacomb," I suppose, is a sort of a + relative;</p> + + <p>But Od. Citrosmum, sounds awfully odd, and is not + <i>my</i> notion of a reassuring appellative.</p> + + <p>And what <i>are</i> you to make of Odont. crisp. + Sanderæ, which, whomsoever "Sanderæ" may be, <i>I</i> + don't want to "crisp" him;</p> + + <p>"A sport of nature unequalled" they call him, and no + doubt his <i>name</i> is, for I can neither clearly + articulate, stutter or lisp him.</p> + + <p>I've not a doubt that, whoever he is, he is probably + liked and considered by some a gem.</p> + + <p>Gyp. Chamberlainianum has a political sound, and has + a strong savour of a floral Brummagem.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And then comes "Odont. vex. Bleui splendidissimum," + which sounds like an appeal for "<i>Two Lovely Blue + Eyes</i>."</p> + + <p>But if it means something entirely different, I + shall hear it without the smallest surprise.</p> + + <p>In fact, looking further, I find, it's "an + artificial hybrid from Odont. vexillarium × Odont. + Roezlii." That's a staggerer.</p> + + <p>But Dend. phalænopsis Schroderæ Dellense is a still + bigger horticultural swaggerer.</p> + + <p>O. Coradenei! likewise O. Crispum! I only wish that + your Godmother, Flora,</p> + + <p>Would insist upon shorter and more intelligible + names for her modern offspring. By bright Aurora,</p> + + <p>I can't go on worshipping at your floral shrine if + the ritual is polyglot gibberish, and what's more, I + won't, Ma'am.</p> + + <p>In the word (queerly spelt) of which you seem very + fond, I earnestly say, Flower Goddess, Odont. + Ma'am!!!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page299" + id="page299"></a>[pg 299]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/299.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/299.png" + alt="THE RACE FOR THE COUNTRY. WAITING FOR THE SIGNAL." /> + </a> + + <h3>THE RACE FOR THE COUNTRY. WAITING FOR THE + SIGNAL.</h3>(<i>By Our Americanised Artist.</i>) + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page300" + id="page300"></a>[pg 300]</span> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <h3>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h3> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:15%;"> + <a href="images/300-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/300-1.png" + alt="'Standing at Bar.'" /></a>"Standing at Bar." + </div> + + <p><i>Thursday, June 9.</i>—The great strength of the + Liberal Party lies in its illimitable resources of Leadership. + When in ordinary times Mr. G. is away, there is either the + SQUIRE OF MALWOOD or JOHN MORLEY to take his place. Now, in + these last days of dying Parliament, the Squire follows Mr. + G.'s leadership even to extent of stopping away from House. + JOHN MORLEY been here for short while to-night, but as soon as + he saw House comfortably in Committee he, too, departed. Seemed + as if Opposition, thus deserted, would stagger blindly on till + it fell in some ditch. At critical moment BOBBY SPENCER quietly + appeared on scene; naturally and irresistibly dropped into seat + of Mr. G. on otherwise almost empty front Bench. No sounding of + drums or braying of trumpets. BOBBY quietly walks up, brushing + past ATHERLY JONES standing at the Bar, and takes his proper + place.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/300-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/300-2.png" + alt="'Question! Question!'" /></a>"Question! + Question!" + </div> + + <p>Effect upon House instant and soothing. Prince ARTHUR looks + up relieved. No one more interested in presence of strong hand + on the rein of Opposition than the Leader of the House. + Business immediately settles down to even and rapid pace. It is + generally understood that BOBBY is desirous that the Government + shall have every assistance given them in disposing of the + remaining business. ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS shows himself a little + restive. Here is a great opportunity fleeting past; vote after + vote put from Chair agreed to almost as rapidly as it can be + recited. After half-a-dozen have been galloped through, ALPHEUS + CLEOPHAS moves uneasily in his seat. Anxiously watches the + youthful figure seated on front Bench. Bang goes another + Million. ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS can sit it no longer; jumps up and + wants to know something. BOBBY, half-turning, regards him with + grave eyes. Speaks no word, but ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS knows what is + passing through his mind; his fluent speech falters; presently + he sits down, shrivelled up, as it were, under the reproachful + glance of the new Leader. Thus the hours pass, and the votes + too, till by midnight all the money is voted for the Navy, and + whole blocks of Civil Service Estimates have been passed.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/300-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/300-3.png" + alt="Poltalloch." /></a>Poltalloch. + </div> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—Supply voted with both + hands.</p> + + <p><i>Friday.</i>—Army Estimates on in Committee of + Supply. Gather from general conversation that things are awful. + FRASER, V.C., says they are going to the dogs. WALTER BARTTELOT + "going," as he sometimes asks permission to do, "one step + farther," says they've gone. STANHOPE evidently expecting an + assault on his Department, brought in with him a stout stick. + "When JULIUS 'ANNIBAL PICTON got up just now, and gave a brief + <i>résumé</i> of the operations in which his great ancestor + defeated FLAMINIUS and SERVILIUS at the Lake of Thrasymenus; + pretty to see how STANHOPE almost involuntarily made a pass at + him with the stick.</p> + + <p>"Question! Question!" cried STUART WORTLEY, from behind the + SPEAKER's chair.</p> + + <p>"This is the question," retorted J.A.P., "or it is at least + leading me up to it. I am about, Mr. COURTNEY, to show how, + supposing the War Office at Carthage had been managed on the + same principles as those which govern the conduct of the Right + Hon. Gentleman, my illustrious ancestor, instead of routing the + enemy, would have fled from the face of FLAMINIUS, scuttled off + before SERVILIUS, and would never have lived to vanquish VARROW + at Cannes."</p> + + <p>"You rather had STANHOPE there," said POLTALLOCH meeting + J.A.P. in the Lobby afterwards, and shouting down at him a few + words of hearty encouragement.</p> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—Another gallop through the + Votes.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>LADY GAY'S SELECTIONS.</h2> + + <p class="author"><i>Phantom Lodge, Ascot.</i></p> + + <p>DEAR MR. PUNCH,</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:28%;"> + <a href="images/300-4.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/300-4.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>Here I am once more at Ascot—beloved of Women and + Milliners! <i>Ascot</i>, I mean, not <i>myself</i>, as I'm + thankful to say women don't like me—Milliners don't count + as women, of course, being so very liberal-minded; and that's + the advantage of being "somebody," and having a + figure—you can get all your gowns on the condition of + telling everyone (in strict confidence) who "built" them! I had + a most fatiguing day yesterday, as, after arriving, I had to + show the Baroness all my Ascot "confections," and I made the + poor dear quite jealous, which, of <i>course</i>, vexed me, as + she is quite my dearest friend! I was much gratified to see my + protest against these "glove contests" so admirably and + cleverly "seconded" (I'm afraid that's a fighting expression) + by one of your wonderful Artists in Black-and-White (black and + blue it might have well been on this occasion)—though, by + the way, he must have been present himself, or he wouldn't have + seen how ashamed of his own face every man was! We shall have + the dear wretches wearing veils next, I suppose!</p> + + <p>On every hand I hear great complaints of the "moderate lot" + our English Three-year-olds have turned out; and the Vicomte DE + FOSSE-TERRE (a descendant of the historical QUEEN OF NAVARRE) + quite upset our dinner-party last night by claiming immense + superiority for the French horses of the same age—why + should this be?—I don't consider the French ahead of us + in politeness, so why should they be so in breeding? However, + the fact remains, that no English Horse will run in the French + Derby this year!</p> + + <p>Lord STONEHENGE tells me we may expect the "Dissolution" + very shortly, and I'm sure the poor Members must be glad of it, + for this weather makes one long to dissolve—though I must + say it seems to me an absurd time to choose, as it will stop + the Season and upset everybody's arrangements! These things + will be better managed when we get a "House of Peeresses" at + the head of affairs—and <i>that</i> is only a question of + time, I feel sure!</p> + + <p>But now to glance at the Ascot Programme—it is such a + lengthy and important one, that a mere glance will be quite + sufficient for me, whereas a <i>man</i> would study the thing + for a week and then know nothing about it! I will just mention + a few horses that my readers will do well to "keep their eye + on," that is if they can—for really at Ascot one does not + pay much attention to the races—and in conclusion I will + give my "one-horse selection" for the <i>last</i> in the Gold + Cup. The expression "one-horsed," is, I believe, generally used + contemptuously, but it must serve till I find time to think out + another, which is impossible at present, as the luncheon-gong + has just sounded, and I have visions of a lobster-salad and + iced Hock-Cup! And now to prophesy? On the "<i>Queen's + Birthday</i>" a "<i>Sprightly</i>" "<i>Buccaneer</i>" gave an + "<i>Order</i>" to attack "<i>Harfleur</i>", captured the town, + and at the end of the "<i>Comedy</i>" paid the + "<i>Bill</i>!"</p> + + <p class="author">Yours devotedly,<br /> + LADY GAY.</p> + + <h3 class="sc">Gold Cup Tip.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The bloom on the leaf of a first-rate cigar</p> + + <p class="i2">Is expressed by the trade as "Flor + Fina,"</p> + + <p>But the sight, to a racing-man, finer by far</p> + + <p class="i2">Is the bloom of the mare + "<i>Caterina</i>!"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>GOOD NEWS!!—"Apprehended Great Cyclone!" So ran the + heading of a paragraph in the <i>Daily Telegraph</i> last + Friday. We trust this turbulent person once apprehended, will + be sentenced and imprisoned.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14745 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/14745-h/images/289.png b/14745-h/images/289.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f1bcd56 --- /dev/null +++ b/14745-h/images/289.png diff --git a/14745-h/images/290.png b/14745-h/images/290.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..0075ae7 --- /dev/null +++ b/14745-h/images/290.png diff --git a/14745-h/images/291.png b/14745-h/images/291.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..47c7c7b --- /dev/null +++ b/14745-h/images/291.png diff --git a/14745-h/images/292-1.png b/14745-h/images/292-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d9363b1 --- /dev/null +++ b/14745-h/images/292-1.png diff --git a/14745-h/images/292-2.png b/14745-h/images/292-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..36bfdcb --- /dev/null +++ b/14745-h/images/292-2.png diff --git a/14745-h/images/293-1.png b/14745-h/images/293-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..09b6ef6 --- /dev/null +++ b/14745-h/images/293-1.png diff --git a/14745-h/images/293-2.png b/14745-h/images/293-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..15b0c39 --- /dev/null +++ b/14745-h/images/293-2.png diff --git a/14745-h/images/293-3.png b/14745-h/images/293-3.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..812d7fb --- /dev/null +++ b/14745-h/images/293-3.png diff --git a/14745-h/images/294.png b/14745-h/images/294.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b457fa8 --- /dev/null +++ b/14745-h/images/294.png diff --git a/14745-h/images/295.png b/14745-h/images/295.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..11a2adc --- /dev/null +++ b/14745-h/images/295.png diff --git a/14745-h/images/297-1.png b/14745-h/images/297-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..31bb1bb --- /dev/null +++ b/14745-h/images/297-1.png diff --git a/14745-h/images/297-2.png b/14745-h/images/297-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..df1bb54 --- /dev/null +++ b/14745-h/images/297-2.png diff --git a/14745-h/images/298.png b/14745-h/images/298.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5e86b0d --- /dev/null +++ b/14745-h/images/298.png diff --git a/14745-h/images/299.png b/14745-h/images/299.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a5b4e1b --- /dev/null +++ b/14745-h/images/299.png diff --git a/14745-h/images/300-1.png b/14745-h/images/300-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..1852b5f --- /dev/null +++ b/14745-h/images/300-1.png diff --git a/14745-h/images/300-2.png b/14745-h/images/300-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..2c2495e --- /dev/null +++ b/14745-h/images/300-2.png diff --git a/14745-h/images/300-3.png b/14745-h/images/300-3.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..603b2b3 --- /dev/null +++ b/14745-h/images/300-3.png diff --git a/14745-h/images/300-4.png b/14745-h/images/300-4.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..facb56b --- /dev/null +++ b/14745-h/images/300-4.png diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..9a90a24 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #14745 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/14745) diff --git a/old/14745-8.txt b/old/14745-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..31e5810 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14745-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1606 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 102, +June 18, 1892, by Various, Edited by F. C. Burnand + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 102, June 18, 1892 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: January 20, 2005 [eBook #14745] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 102, JUNE 18, 1892*** + + +E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Project Gutenberg +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 14745-h.htm or 14745-h.zip: + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/4/7/4/14745/14745-h/14745-h.htm) + or + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/4/7/4/14745/14745-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 102 + +June 18, 1892 + + + + + + + +THE COURIER OF THE HAGUE. + +(_BY THE "VACUUS VIATOR."_) + +He is an elderly amiable little Dutchman in a soft felt hat; his name +is BOSCH, and he is taking me about. _Why_ I engaged him I don't quite +know--unless from a general sense of helplessness in Holland, and +a craving for any kind of companionship. Now I have got him, I feel +rather more helpless than ever--a sort of composite of _Sandford_ +and _Merton_, with a didactic, but frequently incomprehensible _Dutch +Barlow_. My _Sandford_ half would like to exhibit an intelligent +curiosity, but is generally suppressed by _Merton_, who has a morbid +horror of useful information. Not that BOSCH is remarkably erudite, +but nevertheless he contrives to reduce me to a state of imbecility, +which I catch myself noting with a pained surprise. There is a statue +in the Plein, and the _Sandford_ element in me finds a satisfaction in +recognising it aloud as WILLIAM the Silent. It is--but, as my _Merton_ +part thinks, a fellow _would_ be a fool if he didn't recognise WILLIAM +after a few hours in Holland--his images, in one form or another, +are tolerably numerous. Still, BOSCH is gratified. "Yass, dot is +ole VOLLIAM," he says, approvingly, as to a precocious infant just +beginning to take notice. "Lokeer," he says, "you see dot Apoteek?" He +indicates a chemist's shop opposite, with nothing remarkable about it +externally, except a Turk's head with his tongue out over the door. +"Yes, I, speaking for _Sandford_ and _Merton_, see it--has it some +historical interest--did VOLLIAM get medicine there, or what?" "Woll, +dis mornin dare vas two sairvans dere, and de von cot two blaces out +of de odder's haid, and afderwarts he go opstairs and vas hang himself +mit a pedbost," BOSCH evidently rather proud of this as illustrating +the liveliness of The Hague. "Was he mad?" "Yass, he vas mard, mit +a vife and seeks childrens." "No, but was he out of his senses?" "I +tink it vas oud of Omsterdam he vas com," says BOSCH. "But how did +it happen?" "Wol-sare, de broprietor vas die, and leaf de successor +de pusiness, and he dells him in von mons he will go, begause he +nod egsamin to be a Chimigal--so he do it, and dey dake him to de +hosbital, and I tink _he_ vas die too by now!" adds BOSCH, cheerfully. +Very sad affair evidently--but a little complicated. _Sandford_ would +like to get to the bottom of it, but _Merton_ convinced there is _no_ +bottom. So, between us, subject allowed to drop. _Sandford_ (now +in the ascendant again) notices, as the clever boy, inscription on +house-front, "Hier woonden GROEN VAN PRINSTERER, 1838-76." "I suppose +that means VAN PRINSTERER lived here, BOSCH?" "Yass, dot vas it." "And +who was he?" "He vas--wol, he vos a Member of de Barliaments." "Was +he celebrated?" "Celebrated? oh, yass!" "What did he _do_?" (I think +_Merton_ gets this in.) "Do?" says BOSCH, quite indignantly, "he nefer +do _nodings_!" BOSCH takes me into the Fishmarket, when he directs my +attention to a couple of very sooty live storks, who are pecking about +at the refuse. "Dose birts are shtorks; hier dey vas oblige to keep +alvays two shtorks for de arms of de Haag. Ven de yong shtorks porn, +de old vons vas kill." _Sandford_ shocked--_Merton_ sceptical. "Keel +dem? Oh, yass, do anytings mit dem ven dey vas old," says BOSCH, +and adds:--"Ve haf de breference mit de shtorks, eh?" What _is_ he +driving at? "Yass--ven _ve_ vas old, ve vas nod kill." This reminds +BOSCH--_Barlow_-like--of an anecdote. "Dere vas a vrent to me," he +begins, "he com and say to me, 'BOSCH, I am god so shtout and my bark +is so dick, I can go no more on my lacks--vat vas I do?' To him I say, +'Wol, I dell you vat I do mit you--I dake you at de booshair to be cot +op; I tink you vas make vary goot shdeak-meat!'" Wonder whether this +is a typical sample of BOSCH's _badinage_. "What did he say to that, +BOSCH?" "Oh, he vas vair moch loff, a-course!" says BOSCH, with the +natural complacency of a successful humorist. + +[Illustration: "Some story of a scandalous but infinitely humorous +nature."] + +We go into the Old Prison, and see some horrible implements of +torture, which seem to exhilarate BOSCH. "Lokeer!" he says, "Dis vas a +pinition" (BOSCH for "punishment") "mit a can. Dey lie de man down and +vasten his foots, and efery dime he was shdrook mit de can, he jomp op +and hit his vorehaid.... Hier dey lie down de beoples on de back, and +pull dis shdring queeck, and all dese tings go roundt, and preak deir +bones. Ven de pinition vas feenish you vas det." He shows where the +Water-torture was practised. "Nottice 'ow de vater vas vork a 'ole in +de tile," he chuckles. "I tink de tile vas vary hardt det, eh?" Then +he points out a pole with a spiked prong. "Tief-catcher--put'em in +de tief's nack--and ged 'im!" Before a grim-looking cauldron he halts +appreciatively. "You know vat dat vas for?" he says. "Dat vas for de +blode-foots; put 'em in dere, yass, and light de vire onderneat." +No idea what "_blode-foots_" may be, but from the relish in BOSCH's +tone, evidently something very unpleasant, so don't press him for +explanations. We go upstairs, and see some dark and very mouldy +dungeons, which BOSCH is most anxious that I should enter. Make him go +in _first_, for the surroundings seem to have excited his sense of the +humorous to such a degree, that he might be unable to resist locking +me in, and leaving me, if I gave him a chance. + +Outside at last, thank goodness! The Groote Kerk, according to BOSCH, +"is not vort de see," so we don't see it. _Sandford_ has a sneaking +impression that I ought to go in, but _Merton_ glad to be let off. +We go to see the pictures at the Mauritshuis instead. BOSCH exchanges +greetings with the attendants in Dutch. "Got _another_ of 'em +in tow, you see--and collar-work, _I_ can tell you!" would be a +free translation, I suspect, of his remarks. Must say that, in a +Picture-gallery, BOSCH is a superfluous luxury. He _does_ take my +ignorance just a trifle too much for granted. He _might_ give me +credit for knowing the story of ADAM and EVE, at all events! "De +Sairpan gif EVA de opple, an' EVA she gif him to ADAM," BOSCH +carefully informs me, before a "_Paradise_," by RUBENS and BRUEGHEL. +This rouses my _Merton_ half to inquire what ADAM did with it. "Oh, +_he_ ead him too!" says BOSCH in perfect good faith. I do wish, +too, he wouldn't lead me up to PAUL POTTER's "_Bull_," and ask me +enthusiastically if it isn't "real meat." I shouldn't mind it so much +if there were not several English people about, without couriers--but +there _are_. My only revenge is (as _Merton_) to carefully pick out +the unsigned canvases and ask BOSCH who painted them; whereupon, BOSCH +endeavours furtively to make out the label on the frames, and then +informs me in desperation, "it was '_School_.'--yass, _he_ baint +him!" BOSCH kindly explains the subject of every picture in detail. +He tells me a DROOCHSLOOT represents a "balsham pedder." I suppose +I look bewildered, for he adds--"oppen air tance mit a village." +"Hier dey vas haf a tispute; dis man say de ham vas more value as de +cheese--dere is de cheese, and dere is the ham." "Hier is an old man +dot marry a yong vife, and two tevils com in, and de old man he ron +avay." "Hier he dress him in voman, and de vife is vrighten." "Hier is +JAN STEEN himself as a medicine, and he veel de yong voman's polse and +say dere is nodings de madder, and de modder ask him to trink a glass +of vine." "Hier is de beach at Skavening--now dey puild houses on +de dunes--bot de beach is schdill dere." Such are BOSCH's valuable +and instructive comments, to which, as representing _Sandford_ and +_Merton_, I listen with depressed docility. All the same, can't help +coming to the conclusion that Art is _not_ BOSCH's strong point. +Shall come here again--alone. We go on to the Municipal Museum, where +he shows me what _he_ considers the treasures of the collection--a +glass goblet, engraved "mit dails of tobaggo bipes," and the pipes +themselves; a painting of a rose "mit ade beople's faces in de leafs;" +and a drawing of "two pirts mit only von foots." + +Outside again. BOSCH shows me a house. "Lokeer. In dot house leef an +oldt lady all mit herself and ade sairvans. She com from Friesland, +yassir." Really, I think BOSCH is going to be interesting--at last. +There is a sly twinkle in his eye, denoting some story of a scandalous +but infinitely humorous nature. "Well, BOSCH, go on--what about the +old lady?" I ask, eagerly, as _Merton_. "Wol, Sir," says BOSCH, "she +nefer go noveres." ... That's _all_! "A devilish interesting story, +_Sumph_, indeed!" to quote _Mr. Wagg_. + +But, as BOSCH frequently reminds me, "It vas pedder, you see, as a +schendlemans like you go apout mit me; I dell you tings dot vas nod in +de guide-books." Which I am not in a position to deny. + + * * * * * + +BY ONE OF THE UNEMPLOYED.--"It is a curious fact," wrote the Recording +Angel, a very superior sort of person to "the Printer's Devil," on +the _Daily Telegraph_, "that in Greater London last week the births +registered were just one more than twice the number of deaths. Thus +grows the population in this great Babylon." Very appropriate, in +this instance, is the title of "Great Baby-lon." If you put it down +an "e," my Lord, and spell it "berths," then these are by no means in +proportion to the unemployed youth in search of them. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DISSOLUTION--(AS THE ENEMY OF THE LONDON SEASON).] + + There was a sound of revelry by day, + And England's Capital had gathered then, + Her Beauty and her Masherdom, and gay + Spring's sun shone o'er smart women and swell men; + A thousand shops shone showily; and when + MAY came to Mayfair, FLORA to Pall-Mall, + Shrewd eyes winked hope to eyes which winked again, + And maids heard sounds as of the marriage-bell. + But hush! hark! a harsh sound strikes like a sudden knell! + + Did ye not hear it? Is it howling wind? + The tram-car rattling o'er the stony street? + The groans of M.P.'s wearily confined + To the dull House when night and morning meet, + Dragged to Divisions drear with dawdling feet? + + No, hark! that heavy sound breaks in once more, + The street, the hall its echoes now repeat, + And nearer, clearer, deadlier than before! + Arm! Arm! it is--it is--the Elections' opening roar! + + 'Tis in our midst--that figure draped and dim, + Whose mocking music makes us all afraid. + "Death as the Foe!" Can it indeed be _Him_? + Duller, more dirge-like tune was never played + On strings more spirit-chilling. Feet are stayed + Though in mid-waltz, and laughter, though at height, + Hushes, and maidens modishly arrayed + For matrimonial conquest, shrink with fright; + And Fashion palsied sits, and Shopdom takes to flight. + + Ah! then and there are hurryings to and fro + And gathering tears, and poutings of distress, + And cheeks all pale, which some short hours ago + Glowed with the deep delights of Dance and Dress; + And there are sudden partings, such as press + The hope from Spoons of promise, meaning sighs + Which ne'er may be repeated; who can guess + If ever more shall meet those mutual eyes, + When Dissolution snaps the Season's tenderest ties? + + And there is scuttling in hot haste: the steed, + The Coaching Meet, the Opera's latest star, + The Row, the River, the Vitellian feed,-- + All the munitions of the Social War, + Seem fruitless now, when peal on peal afar + And near, the beat of the great Party Drum + Rouses M.P.'s to platform joust and jar, + While tongue-tied dullards scarcely dare be dumb, + When the Whips whisper "Go!" Wirepullers clamour "Come!" + + "Too bad! Too bad!" The Influenza chilled, + Court-mourning marred, the Season's earliest prime, + And now, just as with hope young breasts are filled, + When young leaves still are verdant on the lime, + When diners-out are having a good time, + When Epsom's o'er and Ascot is at hand; + To cut all short, is scarcely less than crime. + Confusion on that wrangling party-band + Whose Dissolution deals the doldrums round the land! + + Ah! wild and high those Phantom-fiddlings rise!-- + All jocund June with palsying terror thrills; + Fashion sits frozen dead with staring eyes. + How that dread dirge the ambient Summer fills + Savage and shrill! Smart frocks, soft snowy frills, + Long trains which dancing Beauty deftly steers. + Through waltzes wild or devious quadrilles,-- + All vanish; bosoms white, beset with fears; + Beat flight as that fell strain falls harsh on Beauty's ears. + + And June yet waves above them her green leaves, + Dewy with Springtide's night-drops as they pass + Grieving,--if aught that's modish ever grieves,-- + Over the unreturning chance. Alas! + Their hopes are all cut down ere falls the grass. + That with corn-harvest might have seen full blow. + See how foiled Shopdom flies, a huddled mass + Of disappointment, hurrying from the foe, + Who all their Season's prospects shatters, and lays low. + + Last month beheld them full of lusty life. + Beauty, and Wealth, and Pleasure, proudly gay; + This music brings the signal-sound of strife, + This month the marshalling to arms. Away! + Party's magnificently sham array + The muster of Mode's mob will soon have rent. + Play on, O Phantom, ominously play! + Death as the Foe! They fly before thee, blent, + Maid, Matron, Masher, Mime, in general discontent! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE DARWINIAN THEORY--VARIATION FROM ENVIRONMENT. + +"KNOCKED 'EM IN THE OLD KENT KOAD!" + +"ATTRACTED ALL EYES AT CHURCH PARADE."] + + * * * * * + +ADVICE GRATIS. + +DEBT.--"SIMPLE SIMON" writes: "A man owes me money which he cannot +pay. He lives in furnished lodgings, and has given me a Bill of Sale +on the furniture. Is this sufficient security? He also offers to +insure his life for £200 if I will advance him £100, which will be +the cost of the first premium, which he says is always heavy. I am +disposed to close with this offer. Am I prudent?"--Prudent is hardly +the word to describe you. We should not in your position make the +advance mentioned. A retreat would be much better tactics. We fancy, +from your description, that your friend would do well as a Company +Promoter. + +STOCK-DEALING TRANSACTIONS.--"Will you advise me under the following +circumstances?" asks "CHEERFUL SOUL," on a post-card. "I placed £50 +with an Outside Broker as a speculation for the rise in Cashville and +Toothpeka First Preference. Yesterday I received a note to say I had +lost my money, as 'cover had run off.' On repairing to the Broker's +Office, I was surprised to find it apparently deserted. What is my +remedy?"--We should imagine that the Broker had "run off" too. Your +remedy is--not to speculate again. "Flutters" lead to the Gutters. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE EXPRESSED OTHERWISE. + +_Married Vicar_, "WELL, MY BISHOP WAS VERY PARTICULAR WITH _ME_. AMONG +OTHER THINGS, HE ASKED ME, BEFORE PRESENTING ME, _WHETHER MY WIFE WAS +A LADY_!" + +_His Curate_ (_reflectively_). "I CAN _QUITE_ UNDERSTAND _THAT_!"] + + * * * * * + +THE WAY THEY HAVE IN THE ARMY. + +(_A CONVERSATION--PURELY IMAGINARY._) + + SCENE--_Pall Mall. Present, SECRETARY OF STATE and Military + Adviser._ + +_Mil. A._ I want to know your ideas about the Autumn Manoeuvres. Are +we to have any this year? + +_Sec. of S._ (_with a melancholy smile_). That depends upon +circumstances not entirely under my control. + +_Mil. A._ Oh, yes; I know. But Governments may come and Governments +may go, but the State flows on for ever. Whatever _you_ commence +_they_ will have to carry out. + +_Sec. of S._ Can we have these Manoeuvres without expense? + +_Mil. A._ Well, scarcely. For instance, there is the ammunition. + +_Sec. of S._ Oh, we can get over that! Every soldier, when he is +supposed to fire, can say, "Bang!" or words to that effect. We might +add the direction to the new Provisional Drill-Book. + +_Mil. A._ (_drily_). Yes, you might; and it would prove about as +useful as the other regulations in that remarkable volume! Well, +suppose the difficulty of ammunition surmounted, what next? + +_Sec. of S._ Well, I suppose we shall have to spend some money on the +farmers for rights of way and the rest of it? + +_Mil. A._ I suppose so, if you want the troops to move over an +unfamiliar country. + +_Sec. of S._ But I am not sure I do. Why shouldn't they learn how to +defend Aldershot? Then it would cost nothing. What next? + +_Mil. A._ Well, there will be the Commissariat expenses. + +_Sec. of S._ Suppose food costs the same in most places. Besides, +isn't TOMMY ATKINS supposed to purchase his own victuals? + +_Mil. A._ Yes, theoretically I suppose he is; but practically he-- + +_Sec. of S._ Oh, bother practice! Of course he must, somehow; he must +pay for the Commissariat out of his own pocket. + +_Mil. A._ Well, then there is the question of transport. Of course, +many regiments have their own waggons and carts, but for a special +occasion I think it would be advisable if-- + +_Sec. of S._ (_interrupting_). What nonsense! Why, of course we will +make them all walk. It will do them a world of good! + +_Mil. A._ Well, as we want to bring some from Scotland, it will +distinctly be a long walk--a very long walk indeed! + +_Sec. of S._ (_heartily_). So much the better--so much the better! + +_Mil. A._ (_sarcastically_). I fancy you will have to pay a large bill +in shoe-leather! + +_Sec. of S._ (_aghast_). So we shall! Oh, bother the Manoeuvres just +now! The fact is, I have to think of other things! + + [_Scene closes in upon Secretary thinking of other things._ + + * * * * * + +STUDIES IN THE NEW POETRY. + +NO. II. + +MR. PUNCH's first example of the New Poetry was, it may be remembered, +in the rhymed, irregular style. It is not a difficult style. The +lines may be long or short; some may groan under an accumulation of +words, while others consist of merely two or three--a most unfair +distribution. The style of the following specimen, (also by Mr. +H-NL-Y) is, however, even easier to manage. There are no rhymes and +very few restrictions. The lines are very short, and a few words, +therefore, go a very long way, which is always a consideration, even +if you don't happen to be paid by the column. This style is very +fierce and bloodthirsty and terrible. Timid people are, therefore, +advised, for the sake of their nerves, not to read any farther. + +THE SONG OF THE POKER. + +[Illustration] + + The Poker, + Clanging. + I am the Poker the straight and the strong, + Prone in the fire grate, + Black at the nether end, + Knobby and nebulous. + + Fashioned for fight + In the Pit Acherontic: + Many have grappled me, + Poised me and thrust me + Into the glowing, + The flashing and furious + Heart of the fire. + Raked with me, prized with me, + Till on a sudden + Besparked and encircled + With Welsh or with Wallsend, + Shattering, battering + They drew me away. + Others in rivalry, + Thinking to better + The previous performance, + Seized me again; + Pushed with a leverage + Hard on the haft of me, + Till with the shocks + Sank the red fire, + Shivered and sank + Subdued into blackness. + That is my Toil; + I am the Poker. + + Oh, and the burglar's head + Often hath felt me, + Hard, undesirable + Cracker of craniums. + I have drunk of the blood, + The red blood, the life-blood + Of the wife of the drunkard. + Hoh! then, the glory. + The joyous, ineffable + Cup of fulfilment, + When the policeman, + Tall with a bull's-eye, + Took me and shook me, + Produced me in evidence, + There in the dim + Unappeasable grisliness + Of the Police-Court. + Women to shrink at me, + Men to be cursed with me, + Bloodstained, contemptuous, + Laid on the table. + I am the Minister, + Azrael's Minister. + I am the Poker. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: VENUS (ANNO DOMINI 1892) RISES FROM THE SEA!!] + + * * * * * + +OPERATIC NOTES. + +_Wednesday_.--Great German Night. Third Part of the Festival Play for +Four Nights by RICHARD WAGNER, with (thank goodness just to lighten +it) an English translation by the Messrs. CORDER. + +"_Sursum Corder!_" A light and airy work as everyone knows is _Der +Ring des Nibelungen_, or _The Nibelung's Ring_, requiring all the +power of lungs to get the true ring out of the work. Hard work for +singers, more so for orchestra, and most so for audience. As for the +"Ring," there are a lot of animals in the Opera, but no horse, so the +Circus entertainment is not complete until _Brünnhilde_ shall appear +in the next part of the tetralogy, with her highly-trained steed. +Odd! Throughout two long (and, ahem! somewhat weary, eh?) Acts, not +a female singer visible on stage (though one sings "like a bird" off +it,--that is, quite appropriately, "at the wings"), and not until the +Third Act, does _Erda_ the witch "rise from below," and we all saw +her and 'Erd 'er. Then, later on, appears _Brünnhilde_, asleep, "in +a complete suit of gleaming plate-armour, with helmet on her head and +long shield over her body," a style of free-and-easy costume which, as +everyone knows, is highly conducive to sleeping in perfect comfort. +No wonder _Siegfried_ mistakes her for a man-in-armour out of the Lord +Mayor's Show, and exclaims, + +[Illustration: Scenes in the Ring. Sir Alvary Siegfried, with Nothung +on, as Master of "the Ring," gives a Special Entertainment.] + + "Ha, a Warrior, sure! + I scan with wonder his form!" + +(I was scanning with wonder the verses,--but _passons!_)--he +continues:-- + + "His haughty head + Is pressed by the helm!" + +This at first sight looks nautical; and therefore his next question +is, "Can I speak to the man at the wheel?" He decides that, as the +sleeping warrior "heaveth his breast," and "is heavily breathing," it +will be a humane act to give him a little air,--[which is done in the +orchestra whatever air there is],--and then _Siegfried_ asks himself +if it won't be as well, or "better, to open his byrnie?" Those among +the audience who have been carefully reading the translation up to +this point, here look up and closely watch _Siegfried's_ proceedings, +being evidently uncertain as to what "his byrnie" may be. Some clever +person in Stalls observes that up to now, he has always thought that +"'byrnie' was the affectionate diminutive for a mountain 'byrne' in +Scotland." Which clever person had evidently much to learn. However +the effect of the operation for "byrnie" (which ought to have been +performed by Dr. BYRNIE YEO, ever ready to rescue a fellow-creature +in distress) is to show that the supposed Knight is a Lady. Whereupon +_Siegfried_ with "surprise and astonishment starts back" exclaiming:-- + +"This is no man! Burning enchantment"--he meant "Byrnieing"--"charges +my heart;"--(what charge does a heart make in these +circumstances?)--"fiery awe falls on my eyesight;" (bad symptoms +these!)--"My senses stagger and sway,"--So _he_ swaggers and stays. + +It is some time before he can pull himself together, and then the +"Bewitched Maiden" awakes and addresses him bewitchingly. This causes +him to be taken with a fit of "exalted rapture," while the lady, on +her part, cannot help being "deeply stirred." + +After a mad wooing, she laughs in a "wild transport of passion," calls +him a "high-minded boy," likewise "a blossoming hero," also "a babe of +prowess;" all which epithets, styles and titles, are in quite the vein +of _Falstaff_ addressing _Prince Hal_. Then, in return, _Siegfried_ +can hit on no better compliment than to style her "a Sun" and "a +Star." Having thus exhausted their joint-stock of complimentary +endearments, they throw themselves into each other's arms. On which +situation the Curtain discreetly falls. + +[Illustration: Sir Druriolanus Wagnerensis offering the Tea-tray-logy +to his Patrons.] + +All very fine and large, of course. Orchestra splendid. _Siegfried_ +and _Brünnhilde_ recalled four times. Everybody, including Mr. MAHLER +the Conductor, and Sir AUGUSTUS WAGNERENSIS, called before Curtain. +Madame ROSA SUCHER had her evening all to herself, to go wherever she +liked, as she had only to drop in at the Opera at 11 P.M., don her +armour in which to appear before the public at midnight, sing a +few solos, join in a duet, and be off the stage again by 12:30 A.M. +punctually. + +The English translation will repay perusal. There are in it some +really choice morsels. This subject must be considered at the earliest +operatunity. + +The Singing Dragon is delightful throughout, and his death as tragic +as anything in _Pyramis_ and _Thisbe_ as played by _Bottom the Weaver +& Co_, _Limited_. + +_Saturday_.--Production of the Illustrious ISIDORE DE LARA's _Light +of Asia_. So the operatic day, that is Saturde-ay, finishes with +generally-expressed opinion that this Opera is a + + "DE-LA-RA-Boom-de-ay!" + +Everything scenically and stage-managerially that could be done to +make _The Light of Asia_ brilliant, Sir DRURIOLANUS has done; but, +after a first hearing, it strikes me that, regarded as a work for the +stage, it is a mere _Night-light of Asia_, which, like _Macbeth's_ +"brief candle," will go "out," and "then be heard no more." If, +however, it be relegated to the concert-hall, as a Cantata, _The +Light of Asia_ may appear lighter than it does on the boards of Covent +Garden, where, intended to be a dramatic Opera, it only recalls to me +the title of one of RUDYARD KIPLING's stories, viz., _The Light that +Failed_. + + * * * * * + +A SUTTON THOUGHT.--Mr. CHAMBERLAIN can now allude to Lord ROSEBERY as +"a Sutton person of his acquaintance." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS. + +_Unfashionable Mother._ "WHAT A SWEET CHILD! HOW OLD IS SHE?" + +_Fashionable Mother._ "WELL, REALLY, IF YOU ARE GOING TO ASK _THAT_ +SORT OF QUESTION, I'D BETTER SEND FOR THE NURSE!"] + + * * * * * + +AN OLD SONG REVIVED. + + (_As sung by the Champion Ulster "Comique," Colonel S-nd-rs-n, + to the old tune of "De Groves of de Pool," written by "honest + Dick Millikin."_) + + Whillaloo! If they droive us to foighting, + 'Tis ourselves who will lead 'em a dance, + Till, loike the Cork bhoys, they're deloighting, + _Back again_ to their homes to _advance_! + No longer in beating such rebels + We'll take than in baiting a bull. + How they'll squake, in effeminate trebles, + When Ulster's battalions are full! + Ri fol didder rol didder rol! + + _We_ trate 'em as loving relations? + _We_ trust to the "Union of Hearts"? + _We_ heed the Grand Old One's orations? + _We_ play the Minority's parts? + _We_ bow to the yoke of TIM HEALY? + _We_ stoop to the Papisthry rule? + Faix! them who imagine it really + Must fancy that "Orange" spells "fool." + Ri fol didder rol didder rol! + + _We_ consint to a sham House o' Commons + Established on ould College Green? + They fancy we're Radical rum 'uns! + Allaygiance we owe to our QUEEN! + But we're fly to _their_ thraitorous dodges; + Our loyalty's edge would they dull? + Fwit! We'll pour like a flood from our Lodges, + And crack every "National" skull! + Ri fol didder rol didder rol! + + We're all friends of Law and of Order, + But would they wrench _us_ from the Crown? + We'll soon be a-singing "_Boyne Water_," + And marching to "_Croppies, lie down!_" + 'Tis we have the Men and the Money, + We don't _want_ to foight, we're quite cool. + But, by Jingo, our foes will look funny, + When Ulster turns out 'gin Home Rule! + Ri fol didder rol didder rol! + + To-day in our myriads we muster. + Friendly _warning_ is all that _we_ mean. + About SOLLY's "incitement" Rads fluster; + We're thrue to the Crown and the QUEEN: + But Ulster no "pathriot" shall sever, + And Ulster no "Papish" shall school. + Whillaloo! Here's the Union for ever, + And into the Boyne wid Home Rule! + Ri fol didder rol didder rol! + + Och! Here's to Dutch WILLIAM the Pious! + And here's to VICTORIA the Good! + If they think we _won't_ foight, let 'em try us! + They mock at an Orangeman's mood, + But once set the Green 'gainst the Yellow, + (Wid no one our coat-tails to pull,) + And I pity the pathriots who bellow + (Like bhoys in a bog) for Home Rule! + Ri fol didder rol didder rol! + + Come, all loyal props of the nation, + Come fill up a bumper all round! + Drink success to our great federation; + With Brummy JOE's blessing 'tis crowned. + _He_ says we are heroes, right stingo, + _He_ vows W.G.'s an old fool. + No, we _don't_ want to fight, but, by Jingo, + Whin we _do_--it's all up wid Home Rule! + Ri fol didder rol didder rol! + [_Left "bombinating."_ + + * * * * * + +A BACHELOR'S GROWL. + + Oh, the beautiful women, the women of ancient days, + The ripe and the red, who are done and dead, + With never a word of praise; + The rich, round SALLIES and SUSANS, the POLLIES and JOANS and PRUES, + Who guarded their fame, and saw no shame + In walking in low-heeled shoes. + + They never shrieked on a platform; they never desired a vote; + They sat in a row and liked things slow, + While they knitted or patched a coat. + They lived with nothing of Latin, and a jolly sight less of Greek, + And made up their books, and changed their cooks + On an average once a week. + + They never ventured in hansoms, nor climbed to the topmost 'bus, + Nor talked with a twang in the latest slang; + They left these fashions to us. + But, ah, she was sweet and pleasant, though possibly not well-read, + The excellent wife who cheered your life, + And vanished at ten to bed. + + And it's oh the pity, the pity that time should ever annul + The wearers of skirts who mended shirts, + And never thought nurseries dull. + For everything's topsy-turvy now, the men are bedded at ten, + While the women sit up, and smoke and sup + In the Club of the Chickless Hen. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AN OLD SONG REVIVED. + +COLONEL S-ND-RS-N _(the Irish "Lion Comique") sings_-- + + "WE DON'T WANT TO FIGHT, + BUT, BY JINGO, IF WE DO, ----"] + + * * * * * + +THE USEFUL CRICKETER. + +(_A CANDID VETERAN'S CONFESSION._) + +[Illustration] + + I am rather a "pootlesome" bat-- + I seldom, indeed, make a run; + But I'm rather the gainer by that, + For it's bad to work hard in the sun. + + As a "field" I am not worth a jot, + And no one expects me to be; + My run is an adipose trot, + My "chances" I never can see. + + I am never invited to bowl, + And though, p'raps, this seems like a slight + In the depths of my innermost soul + I've a notion the Captain is right. + + In short, I may freely admit + I am not what you'd call a great catch; + But yet my initials are writ + In the book against every match! + + For although--ay, and there is the rub-- + I am forty and running to fat, + I have made it all right with the Club, + By presenting an Average Bat! + + * * * * * + +PRIVATE REFLECTIONS OF THE PUBLIC ORATOR AT CAMBRIDGE. + +(_AS RECORDED BY MR. PUNCH'S PATENT PHONOGRAPH._) + +Deadly business, this Latin joking. One speech is bad enough, but +fifteen are absolutely crushing. Still it must be done. Shade of +CICERO, befriend me! Here goes:-- + +"What on earth can I say about the DUKE OF EDINBURGH? Mustn't offend +these blessed Royalties. Am told they never take kindly to jokes. +Let me see, he served on the _Euryalus_ (query? ought I to bring in +_Nisus_). Travelled a great deal--_multorum vidit et urbes_. _Mem._ +Work this up. By the way, ALFRED's his name. Bring in ALFRED and the +cakes. ALFRED thrashed Danes. PRINCE OF WALES married a Dane. To be +worked up. Sailor-Prince: _mem._ _O navis referent, etc._ See also +VIRGIL's description of storm. Prince plays fiddle. Might say that +VIRGIL was poet _quem vicina Cremonæ Mantua genuit_. Did this, years +ago, for old JOACHIM, but can use it again. Never mind the _væ nimium +miseræ vicina Cremonæ_. Prince won't know about that. What's the best +Latin for Admiral? Daughter betrothed to Crown PRINCE OF ROUMANIA. Can +get in Roman legionaries. Ripping!! + +"NORTHBROOK's fairly easy. Oxford man. Mustn't mention he only got +Second Class. Never mind, India will pull me through. Conquests of +ALEXANDER, and all that sort of thing. Must look up RUDYARD KIPLING +for latest tips. Dusky brothers (Query, _sub-fusci fratres?_) good +Academical joke this; sure to fetch the VICE-CHANCELLOR. Pity the +CHANCELLOR's so poor in Latin. + +"CRANBROOK next. Bother all these brooks! He's a Viscount (_Vice-Comes_ +DE CRANBROOK). Lord President of Council; looks after education. +That'll do it. Who's this fool that has sent a post-card asking me to +say something about _Educatio libera_? _Num est tuus servus canis ut +hanc rem faciat?_ + +"HENRY JAMES. Dear me! No University education. Must refer to CICERO +as a barrister. _Solicitor Generalis_ doesn't sound right somehow. +Refused to be Lord Chancellor. _Mem._ Get good joking Latin for +Woolsack. Factory and Workshops Act must see me through. + +"JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN. Hard nut to crack. Can't say I like him myself. +_Birminghamiæ decus; civium consensu ter_--What the dickens is +Mayor in Latin? Did anybody make screws in ancient Rome? _Mem._ Work +up orchids and eyeglass. _Una cum Cancellario nostro seni grandi +restitit._ Absolutely no literary distinction. Still, he's got a son +who was a Cambridge man. Must get in a sly dig at OSCAR BROWNING and +East Worcestershire. Something about old-age pensions. Bah, I hate the +job! + +"JOHN MORLEY. Humph! Delicate ground. Home Rule's got to be skimmed +over. Only consistent Home-Ruler of the lot (_sibi constat_). Books +by the dozen (_lucidus ordo, etc._). French Revolution (_res novæ_). +Ardent reformer (_res renovanda radicitus_). Ought to drag in +_impiger, iracundus, inexorabilis acer_. Better not, on second +thoughts. + +"That's enough for one morning. Polish off the rest to-morrow. +_Mem._ WEBSTER won two miles against Oxford (_duo millia passuum; +Oxoniensibus triumphatus_, and a few japes about Isthmian games. Must +fetch them). Remember to give ROBY one or two for himself over his +Latin grammar. Mostly wrong. He'd better stick to making reels of +cotton. SEELEY and the others can wait." + + * * * * * + +MR. HARDUP lately came into a large fortune, and changed his name to +SKATTERKASH. He has started a coach, and drives four duns. "The duns +used always to be after me," says he; "now I've got 'em before me. +It's a pleasant reminder of unpleasant times." + + * * * * * + +KENSINGTON GARDENS. + +(_IN THE SUMMER EVENINGS, AFTER EIGHT._) + +_As they are, always._--Closed. Within, a solitary policeman, moping. +Without, the jaded citizens, gasping on a dusty road, and gazing +through the iron railings at the cool groves within. A mile away, or +nearer, some military bands (paid--by whom?--no matter--ultimately by +tax-payers, who don't get much for their money), bored to death for +lack of work, and any number of charitable institutions spending half +their funds in advertising for more. + +_As they might be, sometimes._--Open. At the gate energetic policemen +taking the shillings of eager citizens who crowd in to sit and smoke +in the cool groves, lighted by inexpensive Chinese lanterns, and to +listen to the music of the military bands, now alert, cheerful and +occupied. Scattered through the cool groves a few energetic, but +unobtrusive, policemen, seeing that everyone behaves as quietly as at +the Fisheries or the Healtheries. And (the next morning) any number +of charitable institutions receiving the shillings thus virtuously and +profitably spent. + + * * * * * + +SYLLOGISMS OF THE STUMP. + +(_SELECTED--AND CONDENSED--FROM RECENT PLATFORM "ARGUMENTS."_) + +There is no principle, no precedent, no reason why, if the majority +desire anything, a Legislative sanction should not be given to their +decision. + +The majority in Ireland desire Home Rule. + +Therefore, it would be an outrage to the minority to give Legislative +sanction to that desire. + +[Illustration: Going to the Country with a Cry.] + + * * * * * + +The influence of Women in politics must be elevating and refining. + +That influence can be most effectively and legitimately exercised by +and through possession of the Electoral Franchise. + +Therefore it would unsex and degrade women to give them the +Parliamentary vote. + + * * * * * + +It is useless to receive a deputation (say, upon Eight Hours' Day +legislation) unless you "mean business" in that matter. + +_I_ do not mean business in that matter--at present. + +Therefore I shall be delighted to receive the deputation. + + * * * * * + +Liberal Legislation is bad for the country. + +The present Government has successfully accomplished more Liberal +Legislation than any of its predecessors. + +Therefore the country should vote for the present Government. + + * * * * * + +The Gladstone Government of 1880 made many serious mistakes. + +_I_ was a leading Member of that Government. + +Therefore you cannot go wrong in following me now. + + * * * * * + +Mr. C. made a slashing attack on Lord R., and addressed to him certain +awkward questions and posing arguments to which he is bound to attempt +an answer. + +Lord R. made a dashing rejoinder to Mr. C., and devoted the whole of +his speech to answering Mr. C.'s questions and arguments. + +Therefore Lord R. showed bad taste and temper, and wasted his own time +and the public's. + + * * * * * + +I have altered my opinion of many men since 1885. + +Many men have altered their opinion of _me_ since that same date. + +Therefore they are either fickle fools or idolatrous items. + + * * * * * + +I followed my Leader until 1881. + +Some follow him still. + +Therefore either they don't know what they do, or don't mean what they +say. + + * * * * * + +If any logical-minded reader should object that these so-called +syllogisms are not really syllogisms at all, we should agree with +him. But then they are not only the brief and formal expression of +long-winded so-called arguments, which are not really arguments at +all, but which, veiled in floods of verbiage, are duly presented to +the public, from platform and Press, as though they really were so. +_Moral_:--The clear analysis of stump-oratory generally takes the form +of a _reductio ad absurdum_. + + * * * * * + +MUTUAL ADVERTISEMENT BY THE COURT JESTER.--At the Shaftesbury Theatre +is announced _A Play in Little_. At the Court they might announce a +LITTLE in a Play. [N.B.--For explanation see Cast under Clock.] Just +now, very little in any play. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A DISTINCTION WITH A DIFFERENCE. + +_Mistress_ (_to applicant for situation, who has been dismissed, from +her last place_). "SO YOU'VE JUST LEFT? DIDN'T YOUR SITUATION SUIT +YOU?" + +_Martha._ "OH YES, 'M. SITUATION SOOTED ME VERY WELL. IT WAS ME, MUM, +AS DIDN'T SOOT THE SITUATION!"] + + * * * * * + +FROM A LAHORE PAPER.--"_Punch_," the writer ought to have said "_Mr. +Punch_,"--"possesses a battery of guns, and maintains a standing army +of 1,200 men." Quite correct. Wonderful how they get the news out +there. The guns fire a hundred jokes per minute; all killing ones. The +standing army do the thing well, and will stand anything (well-iced) +to all friends within reasonable limits, under command of _Mr. Punch_, +President. + + * * * * * + +VERY NATURAL.--Mrs. BROWN POTTER, tired of playing a Hero, is now +coming out as a Heroine before the Chaff'dsbury Theatre is shut up. + + * * * * * + +_ROD and RIVER_ is the title of a useful book about fly-fishing (it +only needs "fly-leaves" for notes to make it perfect), written by a +Major bearing the appropriate name of FISHER. One note he might append +for the benefit of intending Etonians, that those who, not having +"passed" their swimming examination, venture to go on the "river", are +in danger of the "rod." + + * * * * * + +MRS. RAM was told that Mr. JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN is a giant in intellect. +She said, "I don't know much about intellect, but he must be a very +big giant to carry an orchard in his buttonhole." + + * * * * * + +ODONT.! + +(_AN ODE TO THE MODERN FLORA._) + + Oh, Flora, fair Goddess of Flowers, skies brighten, the gardens + are glowing, + And lo! 'tis the season of Flower Shows, when everything seems + "All-a-blowing!" + And what the dickens you've been up to with the dictionary, I'm + dashed if there's any possibility of knowing. + + Talk about "Volapück." Why, it isn't a circumstance compared with + the floral goddess's crack-jaw. + I've been trying to read the account of a Flower Show to my wife. + Now, at patter-songs I've a slick tongue and slack jaw. + I can do "_John Wellington Wells_" pretty patly; but to read + through a horticultural article + Would give an alligator instantaneous tetanus; and of _meaning_ + the words seem to have no particle. + I should like to be introduced, in its Bornean home, to the + glorious plant called Cælo Dyana. + But fancy a footman having to announce Madame SPATHOGLOTTIS + KIMBALLIANA! + Odont. Uro-Skinneri _sounds_ like something medical and epidermic, + but then we're informed that its sepals and petals + Are "reticulated in tender brown and broad rosy-mauve," which + immediately sends one "off the metals." + The Masdevallias may be a respectable family, though _I_ should + not care to marry into it, + But "the hybrid M. Mundyana representing M. Veitchii × M. Ignea" + (though "a wonderfully glowing orange" by all accounts), + sounds so exceedingly mixed and mongrel that I'd certainly + eschew it. + "A noble Catt: Gigas" _sounds_ rather aristocratic: "Catt: + Jacomb," I suppose, is a sort of a relative; + But Od. Citrosmum, sounds awfully odd, and is not _my_ notion of a + reassuring appellative. + And what _are_ you to make of Odont. crisp. Sanderæ, which, + whomsoever "Sanderæ" may be, _I_ don't want to "crisp" + him; + "A sport of nature unequalled" they call him, and no doubt his + _name_ is, for I can neither clearly articulate, stutter + or lisp him. + I've not a doubt that, whoever he is, he is probably liked and + considered by some a gem. + Gyp. Chamberlainianum has a political sound, and has a strong + savour of a floral Brummagem. + + And then comes "Odont. vex. Bleui splendidissimum," which sounds + like an appeal for "_Two Lovely Blue Eyes_." + But if it means something entirely different, I shall hear it + without the smallest surprise. + In fact, looking further, I find, it's "an artificial hybrid from + Odont. vexillarium × Odont. Roezlii." That's a staggerer. + But Dend. phalænopsis Schroderæ Dellense is a still bigger + horticultural swaggerer. + O. Coradenei! likewise O. Crispum! I only wish that your + Godmother, Flora, + Would insist upon shorter and more intelligible names for her + modern offspring. By bright Aurora, + I can't go on worshipping at your floral shrine if the ritual is + polyglot gibberish, and what's more, I won't, Ma'am. + In the word (queerly spelt) of which you seem very fond, I + earnestly say, Flower Goddess, Odont. Ma'am!!! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE RACE FOR THE COUNTRY. WAITING FOR THE SIGNAL. + +(_By Our Americanised Artist._)] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +[Illustration: "Standing at Bar."] + +_Thursday, June 9._--The great strength of the Liberal Party lies in +its illimitable resources of Leadership. When in ordinary times Mr. G. +is away, there is either the SQUIRE OF MALWOOD or JOHN MORLEY to take +his place. Now, in these last days of dying Parliament, the Squire +follows Mr. G.'s leadership even to extent of stopping away from +House. JOHN MORLEY been here for short while to-night, but as soon as +he saw House comfortably in Committee he, too, departed. Seemed as +if Opposition, thus deserted, would stagger blindly on till it fell +in some ditch. At critical moment BOBBY SPENCER quietly appeared +on scene; naturally and irresistibly dropped into seat of Mr. G. on +otherwise almost empty front Bench. No sounding of drums or braying of +trumpets. BOBBY quietly walks up, brushing past ATHERLY JONES standing +at the Bar, and takes his proper place. + +[Illustration: "Question! Question!"] + +Effect upon House instant and soothing. Prince ARTHUR looks up +relieved. No one more interested in presence of strong hand on the +rein of Opposition than the Leader of the House. Business immediately +settles down to even and rapid pace. It is generally understood that +BOBBY is desirous that the Government shall have every assistance +given them in disposing of the remaining business. ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS +shows himself a little restive. Here is a great opportunity fleeting +past; vote after vote put from Chair agreed to almost as rapidly as it +can be recited. After half-a-dozen have been galloped through, ALPHEUS +CLEOPHAS moves uneasily in his seat. Anxiously watches the youthful +figure seated on front Bench. Bang goes another Million. ALPHEUS +CLEOPHAS can sit it no longer; jumps up and wants to know something. +BOBBY, half-turning, regards him with grave eyes. Speaks no word, but +ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS knows what is passing through his mind; his fluent +speech falters; presently he sits down, shrivelled up, as it were, +under the reproachful glance of the new Leader. Thus the hours pass, +and the votes too, till by midnight all the money is voted for the +Navy, and whole blocks of Civil Service Estimates have been passed. + +[Illustration: Poltalloch.] + +_Business done._--Supply voted with both hands. + +_Friday._--Army Estimates on in Committee of Supply. Gather from +general conversation that things are awful. FRASER, V.C., says they +are going to the dogs. WALTER BARTTELOT "going," as he sometimes asks +permission to do, "one step farther," says they've gone. STANHOPE +evidently expecting an assault on his Department, brought in with +him a stout stick. "When JULIUS 'ANNIBAL PICTON got up just now, and +gave a brief _résumé_ of the operations in which his great ancestor +defeated FLAMINIUS and SERVILIUS at the Lake of Thrasymenus; pretty +to see how STANHOPE almost involuntarily made a pass at him with the +stick. + +"Question! Question!" cried STUART WORTLEY, from behind the SPEAKER's +chair. + +"This is the question," retorted J.A.P., "or it is at least leading +me up to it. I am about, Mr. COURTNEY, to show how, supposing the War +Office at Carthage had been managed on the same principles as those +which govern the conduct of the Right Hon. Gentleman, my illustrious +ancestor, instead of routing the enemy, would have fled from the face +of FLAMINIUS, scuttled off before SERVILIUS, and would never have +lived to vanquish VARROW at Cannes." + +"You rather had STANHOPE there," said POLTALLOCH meeting J.A.P. in +the Lobby afterwards, and shouting down at him a few words of hearty +encouragement. + +_Business done._--Another gallop through the Votes. + + * * * * * + +LADY GAY'S SELECTIONS. + +_Phantom Lodge, Ascot._ + +DEAR MR. PUNCH, + +[Illustration] + +Here I am once more at Ascot--beloved of Women and Milliners! +_Ascot_, I mean, not _myself_, as I'm thankful to say women don't +like me--Milliners don't count as women, of course, being so very +liberal-minded; and that's the advantage of being "somebody," and +having a figure--you can get all your gowns on the condition of +telling everyone (in strict confidence) who "built" them! I had a +most fatiguing day yesterday, as, after arriving, I had to show the +Baroness all my Ascot "confections," and I made the poor dear quite +jealous, which, of _course_, vexed me, as she is quite my dearest +friend! I was much gratified to see my protest against these +"glove contests" so admirably and cleverly "seconded" (I'm afraid +that's a fighting expression) by one of your wonderful Artists in +Black-and-White (black and blue it might have well been on this +occasion)--though, by the way, he must have been present himself, or +he wouldn't have seen how ashamed of his own face every man was! We +shall have the dear wretches wearing veils next, I suppose! + +On every hand I hear great complaints of the "moderate lot" +our English Three-year-olds have turned out; and the Vicomte DE +FOSSE-TERRE (a descendant of the historical QUEEN OF NAVARRE) quite +upset our dinner-party last night by claiming immense superiority +for the French horses of the same age--why should this be?--I don't +consider the French ahead of us in politeness, so why should they be +so in breeding? However, the fact remains, that no English Horse will +run in the French Derby this year! + +Lord STONEHENGE tells me we may expect the "Dissolution" very shortly, +and I'm sure the poor Members must be glad of it, for this weather +makes one long to dissolve--though I must say it seems to me an absurd +time to choose, as it will stop the Season and upset everybody's +arrangements! These things will be better managed when we get a "House +of Peeresses" at the head of affairs--and _that_ is only a question of +time, I feel sure! + +But now to glance at the Ascot Programme--it is such a lengthy and +important one, that a mere glance will be quite sufficient for me, +whereas a _man_ would study the thing for a week and then know nothing +about it! I will just mention a few horses that my readers will do +well to "keep their eye on," that is if they can--for really at Ascot +one does not pay much attention to the races--and in conclusion I +will give my "one-horse selection" for the _last_ in the Gold Cup. The +expression "one-horsed," is, I believe, generally used contemptuously, +but it must serve till I find time to think out another, which is +impossible at present, as the luncheon-gong has just sounded, and +I have visions of a lobster-salad and iced Hock-Cup! And now to +prophesy? On the "_Queen's Birthday_" a "_Sprightly_" "_Buccaneer_" +gave an "_Order_" to attack "_Harfleur_", captured the town, and at +the end of the "_Comedy_" paid the "_Bill_!" + + Yours devotedly, + LADY GAY. + +GOLD CUP TIP. + + The bloom on the leaf of a first-rate cigar + Is expressed by the trade as "Flor Fina," + But the sight, to a racing-man, finer by far + Is the bloom of the mare "_Caterina_!" + + * * * * * + +GOOD NEWS!!--"Apprehended Great Cyclone!" So ran the heading of +a paragraph in the _Daily Telegraph_ last Friday. We trust this +turbulent person once apprehended, will be sentenced and imprisoned. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. +102, JUNE 18, 1892*** + + +******* This file should be named 14745-8.txt or 14745-8.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/4/7/4/14745 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. 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C. Burnand</h1> +<pre> +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at <a href = "https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre> +<p>Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 102, June 18, 1892</p> +<p>Author: Various</p> +<p>Release Date: January 20, 2005 [eBook #14745]</p> +<p>Language: English</p> +<p>Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1</p> +<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 102, JUNE 18, 1892***</p> +<br /><br /><h3>E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis,<br /> + and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team</h3><br /><br /> +<hr class="full" /> + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 102.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>June 18, 1892.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page289" + id="page289"></a>[pg 289]</span> + + <h2>THE COURIER OF THE HAGUE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By the "Vacuus Viator."</i>)</h4> + + <p>He is an elderly amiable little Dutchman in a soft felt hat; + his name is BOSCH, and he is taking me about. <i>Why</i> I + engaged him I don't quite know—unless from a general + sense of helplessness in Holland, and a craving for any kind of + companionship. Now I have got him, I feel rather more helpless + than ever—a sort of composite of <i>Sandford</i> and + <i>Merton</i>, with a didactic, but frequently incomprehensible + <i>Dutch Barlow</i>. My <i>Sandford</i> half would like to + exhibit an intelligent curiosity, but is generally suppressed + by <i>Merton</i>, who has a morbid horror of useful + information. Not that BOSCH is remarkably erudite, but + nevertheless he contrives to reduce me to a state of + imbecility, which I catch myself noting with a pained surprise. + There is a statue in the Plein, and the <i>Sandford</i> element + in me finds a satisfaction in recognising it aloud as WILLIAM + the Silent. It is—but, as my <i>Merton</i> part thinks, a + fellow <i>would</i> be a fool if he didn't recognise WILLIAM + after a few hours in Holland—his images, in one form or + another, are tolerably numerous. Still, BOSCH is gratified. + "Yass, dot is ole VOLLIAM," he says, approvingly, as to a + precocious infant just beginning to take notice. "Lokeer," he + says, "you see dot Apoteek?" He indicates a chemist's shop + opposite, with nothing remarkable about it externally, except a + Turk's head with his tongue out over the door. "Yes, I, + speaking for <i>Sandford</i> and <i>Merton</i>, see + it—has it some historical interest—did VOLLIAM get + medicine there, or what?" "Woll, dis mornin dare vas two + sairvans dere, and de von cot two blaces out of de odder's + haid, and afderwarts he go opstairs and vas hang himself mit a + pedbost," BOSCH evidently rather proud of this as illustrating + the liveliness of The Hague. "Was he mad?" "Yass, he vas mard, + mit a vife and seeks childrens." "No, but was he out of his + senses?" "I tink it vas oud of Omsterdam he vas com," says + BOSCH. "But how did it happen?" "Wol-sare, de broprietor vas + die, and leaf de successor de pusiness, and he dells him in von + mons he will go, begause he nod egsamin to be a + Chimigal—so he do it, and dey dake him to de hosbital, + and I tink <i>he</i> vas die too by now!" adds BOSCH, + cheerfully. Very sad affair evidently—but a little + complicated. <i>Sandford</i> would like to get to the bottom of + it, but <i>Merton</i> convinced there is <i>no</i> bottom. So, + between us, subject allowed to drop. <i>Sandford</i> (now in + the ascendant again) notices, as the clever boy, inscription on + house-front, "Hier woonden GROEN VAN PRINSTERER, 1838-76." "I + suppose that means VAN PRINSTERER lived here, BOSCH?" "Yass, + dot vas it." "And who was he?" "He vas—wol, he vos a + Member of de Barliaments." "Was he celebrated?" "Celebrated? + oh, yass!" "What did he <i>do</i>?" (I think <i>Merton</i> gets + this in.) "Do?" says BOSCH, quite indignantly, "he nefer do + <i>nodings</i>!" BOSCH takes me into the Fishmarket, when he + directs my attention to a couple of very sooty live storks, who + are pecking about at the refuse. "Dose birts are shtorks; hier + dey vas oblige to keep alvays two shtorks for de arms of de + Haag. Ven de yong shtorks porn, de old vons vas kill." + <i>Sandford</i> shocked—<i>Merton</i> sceptical. "Keel + dem? Oh, yass, do anytings mit dem ven dey vas old," says + BOSCH, and adds:—"Ve haf de breference mit de shtorks, + eh?" What <i>is</i> he driving at? "Yass—ven <i>ve</i> + vas old, ve vas nod kill." This reminds + BOSCH—<i>Barlow</i>-like—of an anecdote. "Dere vas + a vrent to me," he begins, "he com and say to me, 'BOSCH, I am + god so shtout and my bark is so dick, I can go no more on my + lacks—vat vas I do?' To him I say, 'Wol, I dell you vat I + do mit you—I dake you at de booshair to be cot op; I tink + you vas make vary goot shdeak-meat!'" Wonder whether this is a + typical sample of BOSCH's <i>badinage</i>. "What did he say to + that, BOSCH?" "Oh, he vas vair moch loff, a-course!" says + BOSCH, with the natural complacency of a successful + humorist.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/289.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/289.png" + alt="'Some story of a scandalous but infinitely humorous nature.'" /> + </a>"Some story of a scandalous but infinitely humorous + nature." + </div> + + <p>We go into the Old Prison, and see some horrible implements + of torture, which seem to exhilarate BOSCH. "Lokeer!" he says, + "Dis vas a pinition" (BOSCH for "punishment") "mit a can. Dey + lie de man down and vasten his foots, and efery dime he was + shdrook mit de can, he jomp op and hit his vorehaid.... Hier + dey lie down de beoples on de back, and pull dis shdring + queeck, and all dese tings go roundt, and preak deir bones. Ven + de pinition vas feenish you vas det." He shows where the + Water-torture was practised. "Nottice 'ow de vater vas vork a + 'ole in de tile," he chuckles. "I tink de tile vas vary hardt + det, eh?" Then he points out a pole with a spiked prong. + "Tief-catcher—put'em in de tief's nack—and ged + 'im!" Before a grim-looking cauldron he halts appreciatively. + "You know vat dat vas for?" he says. "Dat vas for de + blode-foots; put 'em in dere, yass, and light de vire + onderneat." No idea what "<i>blode-foots</i>" may be, but from + the relish in BOSCH's tone, evidently something very + unpleasant, so don't press him for explanations. We go + upstairs, and see some dark and very mouldy dungeons, which + BOSCH is most anxious that I should enter. Make him go in + <i>first</i>, for the surroundings seem to have excited his + sense of the humorous to such a degree, that he might be unable + to resist locking me in, and leaving me, if I gave him a + chance.</p> + + <p>Outside at last, thank goodness! The Groote Kerk, according + to BOSCH, "is not vort de see," so we don't see it. + <i>Sandford</i> has a sneaking impression that I ought to go + in, but <i>Merton</i> glad to be let off. We go to see the + pictures at the Mauritshuis instead. BOSCH exchanges greetings + with the attendants in Dutch. "Got <i>another</i> of 'em in + tow, you see—and collar-work, <i>I</i> can tell you!" + would be a free translation, I suspect, of his remarks. Must + say that, in a Picture-gallery, BOSCH is a superfluous luxury. + He <i>does</i> take my ignorance just a trifle too much for + granted. He <i>might</i> give me credit for knowing the story + of ADAM and EVE, at all events! "De Sairpan gif EVA de opple, + an' EVA she gif him to ADAM," BOSCH carefully informs me, + before a "<i>Paradise</i>," by RUBENS and BRUEGHEL. This rouses + my <i>Merton</i> half to inquire what ADAM did with it. "Oh, + <i>he</i> ead him too!" says BOSCH in perfect good faith. I do + wish, too, he wouldn't lead me up to PAUL POTTER's + "<i>Bull</i>," and ask me enthusiastically if it isn't "real + meat." I shouldn't mind it so much if there were not several + English people about, without couriers—but there + <i>are</i>. My only revenge is (as <i>Merton</i>) to carefully + pick out the unsigned canvases and ask BOSCH who painted them; + whereupon, BOSCH endeavours furtively to make out the label on + the frames, and then informs me in desperation, "it was + '<i>School</i>.'—yass, <i>he</i> baint him!" BOSCH kindly + explains the subject of every picture in detail. He tells me a + DROOCHSLOOT represents a "balsham pedder." I suppose I look + bewildered, for he adds—"oppen air tance mit a village." + "Hier dey vas haf a tispute; dis man say de ham vas more value + as de cheese—dere is de cheese, and dere is the ham." + "Hier is an old man dot marry a yong vife, and two tevils com + in, and de old man he ron avay." "Hier he dress him in voman, + and de vife is vrighten." "Hier is JAN STEEN himself as a + medicine, and he veel de yong voman's polse and say dere is + nodings de madder, and de modder ask him to trink a glass of + vine." "Hier is de beach at Skavening—now dey puild + houses on de dunes—bot de beach is schdill dere." Such + are BOSCH's valuable and instructive comments, to which, as + representing <i>Sandford</i> and <i>Merton</i>, I listen with + depressed docility. All the same, can't help coming to the + conclusion that Art is <i>not</i> BOSCH's strong point. Shall + come here again—alone. We go on to the Municipal Museum, + where he shows me what <i>he</i> considers the treasures of the + collection—a glass goblet, engraved "mit dails of tobaggo + bipes," and the pipes themselves; a painting of a rose "mit ade + beople's faces in de leafs;" and a drawing of "two pirts mit + only von foots."</p> + + <p>Outside again. BOSCH shows me a house. "Lokeer. In dot house + leef an oldt lady all mit herself and ade sairvans. She com + from Friesland, yassir." Really, I think BOSCH is going to be + interesting—at last. There is a sly twinkle in his eye, + denoting some story of a scandalous but infinitely humorous + nature. "Well, BOSCH, go on—what about the old lady?" I + ask, eagerly, as <i>Merton</i>. "Wol, Sir," says BOSCH, "she + nefer go noveres." ... That's <i>all</i>! "A devilish + interesting story, <i>Sumph</i>, indeed!" to quote <i>Mr. + Wagg</i>.</p> + + <p>But, as BOSCH frequently reminds me, "It vas pedder, you + see, as a schendlemans like you go apout mit me; I dell you + tings dot vas nod in de guide-books." Which I am not in a + position to deny.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>BY ONE OF THE UNEMPLOYED.—"It is a curious fact," + wrote the Recording Angel, a very superior sort of person to + "the Printer's Devil," on the <i>Daily Telegraph</i>, "that in + Greater London last week the births registered were just one + more than twice the number of deaths. Thus grows the population + in this great Babylon." Very appropriate, in this instance, is + the title of "Great Baby-lon." If you put it down an "e," my + Lord, and spell it "berths," then these are by no means in + proportion to the unemployed youth in search of them.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page290" + id="page290"></a>[pg 290]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <h3>DISSOLUTION—(AS THE ENEMY OF THE LONDON + SEASON).</h3><a href="images/290.png"><img width="60%" + src="images/290.png" + alt="DISSOLUTION--(AS THE ENEMY OF THE LONDON SEASON)." /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There was a sound of revelry by day,</p> + + <p>And England's Capital had gathered then,</p> + + <p>Her Beauty and her Masherdom, and gay</p> + + <p>Spring's sun shone o'er smart women and swell + men;</p> + + <p>A thousand shops shone showily; and when</p> + + <p>MAY came to Mayfair, FLORA to Pall-Mall,</p> + + <p>Shrewd eyes winked hope to eyes which winked + again,</p> + + <p>And maids heard sounds as of the marriage-bell.</p> + + <p class="i2">But hush! hark! a harsh sound strikes + like a sudden knell!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Did ye not hear it? Is it howling wind?</p> + + <p>The tram-car rattling o'er the stony street?</p> + + <p>The groans of M.P.'s wearily confined</p> + + <p>To the dull House when night and morning meet,</p> + + <p>Dragged to Divisions drear with dawdling feet?</p> + </div> + </div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page291" + id="page291"></a>[pg 291]</span> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>No, hark! that heavy sound breaks in once more,</p> + + <p>The street, the hall its echoes now repeat,</p> + + <p>And nearer, clearer, deadlier than before!</p> + + <p class="i2">Arm! Arm! it is—it is—the + Elections' opening roar!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>'Tis in our midst—that figure draped and + dim,</p> + + <p>Whose mocking music makes us all afraid.</p> + + <p>"Death as the Foe!" Can it indeed be <i>Him</i>?</p> + + <p>Duller, more dirge-like tune was never played</p> + + <p>On strings more spirit-chilling. Feet are stayed</p> + + <p>Though in mid-waltz, and laughter, though at + height,</p> + + <p>Hushes, and maidens modishly arrayed</p> + + <p>For matrimonial conquest, shrink with fright;</p> + + <p class="i2">And Fashion palsied sits, and Shopdom + takes to flight.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Ah! then and there are hurryings to and fro</p> + + <p>And gathering tears, and poutings of distress,</p> + + <p>And cheeks all pale, which some short hours ago</p> + + <p>Glowed with the deep delights of Dance and + Dress;</p> + + <p>And there are sudden partings, such as press</p> + + <p>The hope from Spoons of promise, meaning sighs</p> + + <p>Which ne'er may be repeated; who can guess</p> + + <p>If ever more shall meet those mutual eyes,</p> + + <p class="i2">When Dissolution snaps the Season's + tenderest ties?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And there is scuttling in hot haste: the steed,</p> + + <p>The Coaching Meet, the Opera's latest star,</p> + + <p>The Row, the River, the Vitellian feed,—</p> + + <p>All the munitions of the Social War,</p> + + <p>Seem fruitless now, when peal on peal afar</p> + + <p>And near, the beat of the great Party Drum</p> + + <p>Rouses M.P.'s to platform joust and jar,</p> + + <p>While tongue-tied dullards scarcely dare be + dumb,</p> + + <p class="i2">When the Whips whisper "Go!" Wirepullers + clamour "Come!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Too bad! Too bad!" The Influenza chilled,</p> + + <p>Court-mourning marred, the Season's earliest + prime,</p> + + <p>And now, just as with hope young breasts are + filled,</p> + + <p>When young leaves still are verdant on the lime,</p> + + <p>When diners-out are having a good time,</p> + + <p>When Epsom's o'er and Ascot is at hand;</p> + + <p>To cut all short, is scarcely less than crime.</p> + + <p>Confusion on that wrangling party-band</p> + + <p class="i2">Whose Dissolution deals the doldrums + round the land!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Ah! wild and high those Phantom-fiddlings + rise!—</p> + + <p>All jocund June with palsying terror thrills;</p> + + <p>Fashion sits frozen dead with staring eyes.</p> + + <p>How that dread dirge the ambient Summer fills</p> + + <p>Savage and shrill! Smart frocks, soft snowy + frills,</p> + + <p>Long trains which dancing Beauty deftly steers.</p> + + <p>Through waltzes wild or devious + quadrilles,—</p> + + <p>All vanish; bosoms white, beset with fears;</p> + + <p class="i2">Beat flight as that fell strain falls + harsh on Beauty's ears.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And June yet waves above them her green leaves,</p> + + <p>Dewy with Springtide's night-drops as they pass</p> + + <p>Grieving,—if aught that's modish ever + grieves,—</p> + + <p>Over the unreturning chance. Alas!</p> + + <p>Their hopes are all cut down ere falls the + grass.</p> + + <p>That with corn-harvest might have seen full + blow.</p> + + <p>See how foiled Shopdom flies, a huddled mass</p> + + <p>Of disappointment, hurrying from the foe,</p> + + <p class="i2">Who all their Season's prospects + shatters, and lays low.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Last month beheld them full of lusty life.</p> + + <p>Beauty, and Wealth, and Pleasure, proudly gay;</p> + + <p>This music brings the signal-sound of strife,</p> + + <p>This month the marshalling to arms. Away!</p> + + <p>Party's magnificently sham array</p> + + <p>The muster of Mode's mob will soon have rent.</p> + + <p>Play on, O Phantom, ominously play!</p> + + <p>Death as the Foe! They fly before thee, blent,</p> + + <p class="i2">Maid, Matron, Masher, Mime, in general + discontent!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:70%;"> + <a href="images/291.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/291.png" + alt="THE DARWINIAN THEORY—VARIATION FROM ENVIRONMENT." /> + </a> + + <h3>THE DARWINIAN THEORY—VARIATION FROM + ENVIRONMENT.</h3> + + <table align="center" + summary="caption"> + <tr> + <td>"KNOCKED 'EM IN THE OLD KENT KOAD!"</td> + + <td>"ATTRACTED ALL EYES AT CHURCH PARADE."</td> + </tr> + </table> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>ADVICE GRATIS.</h3> + + <p>DEBT.—"SIMPLE SIMON" writes: "A man owes me money + which he cannot pay. He lives in furnished lodgings, and has + given me a Bill of Sale on the furniture. Is this sufficient + security? He also offers to insure his life for £200 if I will + advance him £100, which will be the cost of the first premium, + which he says is always heavy. I am disposed to close with this + offer. Am I prudent?"—Prudent is hardly the word to + describe you. We should not in your position make the advance + mentioned. A retreat would be much better tactics. We fancy, + from your description, that your friend would do well as a + Company Promoter.</p> + + <p>STOCK-DEALING TRANSACTIONS.—"Will you advise me under + the following circumstances?" asks "CHEERFUL SOUL," on a + post-card. "I placed £50 with an Outside Broker as a + speculation for the rise in Cashville and Toothpeka First + Preference. Yesterday I received a note to say I had lost my + money, as 'cover had run off.' On repairing to the Broker's + Office, I was surprised to find it apparently deserted. What is + my remedy?"—We should imagine that the Broker had "run + off" too. Your remedy is—not to speculate again. + "Flutters" lead to the Gutters.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page292" + id="page292"></a>[pg 292]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:55%;"> + <a href="images/292-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/292-1.png" + alt="THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE EXPRESSED OTHERWISE." /> + </a> + + <h3>THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE EXPRESSED OTHERWISE.</h3> + + <p><i>Married Vicar</i>, "WELL, MY BISHOP WAS VERY + PARTICULAR WITH <i>ME</i>. AMONG OTHER THINGS, HE ASKED ME, + BEFORE PRESENTING ME, <i>WHETHER MY WIFE WAS A + LADY</i>!"</p> + + <p><i>His Curate</i> (<i>reflectively</i>). "I CAN + <i>QUITE</i> UNDERSTAND <i>THAT</i>!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE WAY THEY HAVE IN THE ARMY.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>A Conversation—Purely Imaginary.</i>)</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>Pall Mall. Present</i>, SECRETARY OF + STATE <i>and</i> Military Adviser.</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Mil. A.</i> I want to know your ideas about the + Autumn Manoeuvres. Are we to have any this year?</p> + + <p><i>Sec. of S.</i> (<i>with a melancholy smile</i>). That + depends upon circumstances not entirely under my + control.</p> + + <p><i>Mil. A.</i> Oh, yes; I know. But Governments may come + and Governments may go, but the State flows on for ever. + Whatever <i>you</i> commence <i>they</i> will have to carry + out.</p> + + <p><i>Sec. of S.</i> Can we have these Manoeuvres without + expense?</p> + + <p><i>Mil. A.</i> Well, scarcely. For instance, there is + the ammunition.</p> + + <p><i>Sec. of S.</i> Oh, we can get over that! Every + soldier, when he is supposed to fire, can say, "Bang!" or + words to that effect. We might add the direction to the new + Provisional Drill-Book.</p> + + <p><i>Mil. A.</i> (<i>drily</i>). Yes, you might; and it + would prove about as useful as the other regulations in + that remarkable volume! Well, suppose the difficulty of + ammunition surmounted, what next?</p> + + <p><i>Sec. of S.</i> Well, I suppose we shall have to spend + some money on the farmers for rights of way and the rest of + it?</p> + + <p><i>Mil. A.</i> I suppose so, if you want the troops to + move over an unfamiliar country.</p> + + <p><i>Sec. of S.</i> But I am not sure I do. Why shouldn't + they learn how to defend Aldershot? Then it would cost + nothing. What next?</p> + + <p><i>Mil. A.</i> Well, there will be the Commissariat + expenses.</p> + + <p><i>Sec. of S.</i> Suppose food costs the same in most + places. Besides, isn't TOMMY ATKINS supposed to purchase + his own victuals?</p> + + <p><i>Mil. A.</i> Yes, theoretically I suppose he is; but + practically he—</p> + + <p><i>Sec. of S.</i> Oh, bother practice! Of course he + must, somehow; he must pay for the Commissariat out of his + own pocket.</p> + + <p><i>Mil. A.</i> Well, then there is the question of + transport. Of course, many regiments have their own waggons + and carts, but for a special occasion I think it would be + advisable if—</p> + + <p><i>Sec. of S.</i> (<i>interrupting</i>). What nonsense! + Why, of course we will make them all walk. It will do them + a world of good!</p> + + <p><i>Mil. A.</i> Well, as we want to bring some from + Scotland, it will distinctly be a long walk—a very + long walk indeed!</p> + + <p><i>Sec. of S.</i> (<i>heartily</i>). So much the + better—so much the better!</p> + + <p><i>Mil. A.</i> (<i>sarcastically</i>). I fancy you will + have to pay a large bill in shoe-leather!</p> + + <p><i>Sec. of S.</i> (<i>aghast</i>). So we shall! Oh, + bother the Manoeuvres just now! The fact is, I have to + think of other things!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Scene closes in upon</i> Secretary <i>thinking + of other things.</i></p> + </blockquote> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>STUDIES IN THE NEW POETRY.</h2> + + <h3>No. II.</h3> + + <p>MR. PUNCH's first example of the New Poetry was, it may be + remembered, in the rhymed, irregular style. It is not a + difficult style. The lines may be long or short; some may groan + under an accumulation of words, while others consist of merely + two or three—a most unfair distribution. The style of the + following specimen, (also by Mr. H-NL-Y) is, however, even + easier to manage. There are no rhymes and very few + restrictions. The lines are very short, and a few words, + therefore, go a very long way, which is always a consideration, + even if you don't happen to be paid by the column. This style + is very fierce and bloodthirsty and terrible. Timid people are, + therefore, advised, for the sake of their nerves, not to read + any farther.</p> + + <h3>THE SONG OF THE POKER.</h3> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/292-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/292-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i4">The Poker,</p> + + <p class="i4">Clanging.</p> + + <p>I am the Poker the straight and the strong,</p> + + <p class="i2">Prone in the fire grate,</p> + + <p class="i2">Black at the nether end,</p> + + <p class="i2">Knobby and nebulous.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">Fashioned for fight</p> + + <p class="i2">In the Pit Acherontic:</p> + + <p class="i2">Many have grappled me,</p> + + <p class="i2">Poised me and thrust me</p> + + <p class="i4">Into the glowing,</p> + + <p class="i2">The flashing and furious</p> + + <p class="i4">Heart of the fire.</p> + + <p class="i2">Raked with me, prized with me,</p> + + <p class="i4">Till on a sudden</p> + + <p class="i2">Besparked and encircled</p> + + <p class="i2">With Welsh or with Wallsend,</p> + + <p class="i4">Shattering, battering</p> + + <p class="i6">They drew me away.</p> + + <p class="i4">Others in rivalry,</p> + + <p class="i6">Thinking to better</p> + + <p class="i2">The previous performance,</p> + + <p class="i4">Seized me again;</p> + + <p class="i2">Pushed with a leverage</p> + + <p class="i4">Hard on the haft of me,</p> + + <p class="i2">Till with the shocks</p> + + <p class="i2">Sank the red fire,</p> + + <p class="i2">Shivered and sank</p> + + <p class="i2">Subdued into blackness.</p> + + <p class="i4">That is my Toil;</p> + + <p class="i2">I am the Poker.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, and the burglar's head</p> + + <p class="i2">Often hath felt me,</p> + + <p class="i2">Hard, undesirable</p> + + <p class="i2">Cracker of craniums.</p> + + <p>I have drunk of the blood,</p> + + <p>The red blood, the life-blood</p> + + <p class="i2">Of the wife of the drunkard.</p> + + <p>Hoh! then, the glory.</p> + + <p class="i2">The joyous, ineffable</p> + + <p class="i2">Cup of fulfilment,</p> + + <p class="i2">When the policeman,</p> + + <p class="i2">Tall with a bull's-eye,</p> + + <p class="i2">Took me and shook me,</p> + + <p class="i2">Produced me in evidence,</p> + + <p class="i2">There in the dim</p> + + <p class="i2">Unappeasable grisliness</p> + + <p class="i2">Of the Police-Court.</p> + + <p>Women to shrink at me,</p> + + <p>Men to be cursed with me,</p> + + <p>Bloodstained, contemptuous,</p> + + <p class="i2">Laid on the table.</p> + + <p class="i2">I am the Minister,</p> + + <p class="i4">Azrael's Minister.</p> + + <p class="i4">I am the Poker.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page293" + id="page293"></a>[pg 293]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/293-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/293-1.png" + alt="VENUS (ANNO DOMINI 1892) RISES FROM THE SEA!!" /> + </a> + + <h3>VENUS (ANNO DOMINI 1892) RISES FROM THE SEA!!</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OPERATIC NOTES.</h2> + + <p><i>Wednesday</i>.—Great German Night. Third Part of + the Festival Play for Four Nights by RICHARD WAGNER, with + (thank goodness just to lighten it) an English translation by + the Messrs. CORDER.</p> + + <p>"<i>Sursum Corder!</i>" A light and airy work as everyone + knows is <i>Der Ring des Nibelungen</i>, or <i>The Nibelung's + Ring</i>, requiring all the power of lungs to get the true ring + out of the work. Hard work for singers, more so for orchestra, + and most so for audience. As for the "Ring," there are a lot of + animals in the Opera, but no horse, so the Circus entertainment + is not complete until <i>Brünnhilde</i> shall appear in the + next part of the tetralogy, with her highly-trained steed. Odd! + Throughout two long (and, ahem! somewhat weary, eh?) Acts, not + a female singer visible on stage (though one sings "like a + bird" off it,—that is, quite appropriately, "at the + wings"), and not until the Third Act, does <i>Erda</i> the + witch "rise from below," and we all saw her and 'Erd 'er. Then, + later on, appears <i>Brünnhilde</i>, asleep, "in a complete + suit of gleaming plate-armour, with helmet on her head and long + shield over her body," a style of free-and-easy costume which, + as everyone knows, is highly conducive to sleeping in perfect + comfort. No wonder <i>Siegfried</i> mistakes her for a + man-in-armour out of the Lord Mayor's Show, and exclaims,</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/293-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/293-2.png" + alt="Scenes in the Ring. Sir Alvary Siegfried, with Nothung on, as Master of 'the Ring,' gives a Special Entertainment." /> + </a>Scenes in the Ring. Sir Alvary Siegfried, with Nothung + on, as Master of "the Ring," gives a Special Entertainment. + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Ha, a Warrior, sure!</p> + + <p>I scan with wonder his form!"</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>(I was scanning with wonder the verses,—but + <i>passons!</i>)—he continues:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"His haughty head</p> + + <p>Is pressed by the helm!"</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>This at first sight looks nautical; and therefore his next + question is, "Can I speak to the man at the wheel?" He decides + that, as the sleeping warrior "heaveth his breast," and "is + heavily breathing," it will be a humane act to give him a + little air,—[which is done in the orchestra whatever air + there is],—and then <i>Siegfried</i> asks himself if it + won't be as well, or "better, to open his byrnie?" Those among + the audience who have been carefully reading the translation up + to this point, here look up and closely watch + <i>Siegfried's</i> proceedings, being evidently uncertain as to + what "his byrnie" may be. Some clever person in Stalls observes + that up to now, he has always thought that "'byrnie' was the + affectionate diminutive for a mountain 'byrne' in Scotland." + Which clever person had evidently much to learn. However the + effect of the operation for "byrnie" (which ought to have been + performed by Dr. BYRNIE YEO, ever ready to rescue a + fellow-creature in distress) is to show that the supposed + Knight is a Lady. Whereupon <i>Siegfried</i> with "surprise and + astonishment starts back" exclaiming:—</p> + + <p>"This is no man! Burning enchantment"—he meant + "Byrnieing"—"charges my heart;"—(what charge does a + heart make in these circumstances?)—"fiery awe falls on + my eyesight;" (bad symptoms these!)—"My senses stagger + and sway,"—So <i>he</i> swaggers and stays.</p> + + <p>It is some time before he can pull himself together, and + then the "Bewitched Maiden" awakes and addresses him + bewitchingly. This causes him to be taken with a fit of + "exalted rapture," while the lady, on her part, cannot help + being "deeply stirred."</p> + + <p>After a mad wooing, she laughs in a "wild transport of + passion," calls him a "high-minded boy," likewise "a blossoming + hero," also "a babe of prowess;" all which epithets, styles and + titles, are in quite the vein of <i>Falstaff</i> addressing + <i>Prince Hal</i>. Then, in return, <i>Siegfried</i> can hit on + no better compliment than to style her "a Sun" and "a Star." + Having thus exhausted their joint-stock of complimentary + endearments, they throw themselves into each other's arms. On + which situation the Curtain discreetly falls.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:32%;"> + <a href="images/293-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/293-3.png" + alt="Sir Druriolanus Wagnerensis offering the Tea-tray-logy to his Patrons." /> + </a>Sir Druriolanus Wagnerensis offering the Tea-tray-logy + to his Patrons. + </div> + + <p>All very fine and large, of course. Orchestra splendid. + <i>Siegfried</i> and <i>Brünnhilde</i> recalled four times. + Everybody, including Mr. MAHLER the Conductor, and Sir AUGUSTUS + WAGNERENSIS, called before Curtain. Madame ROSA SUCHER had her + evening all to herself, to go wherever she liked, as she had + only to drop in at the Opera at 11 P.M., don her armour in + which to appear before the public at midnight, sing a few + solos, join in a duet, and be off the stage again by 12:30 A.M. + punctually.</p> + + <p>The English translation will repay perusal. There are in it + some really choice morsels. This subject must be considered at + the earliest operatunity.</p> + + <p>The Singing Dragon is delightful throughout, and his death + as tragic as anything in <i>Pyramis</i> and <i>Thisbe</i> as + played by <i>Bottom the Weaver & Co</i>, + <i>Limited</i>.</p> + + <p><i>Saturday</i>.—Production of the Illustrious ISIDORE + DE LARA's <i>Light of Asia</i>. So the operatic day, that is + Saturde-ay, finishes with generally-expressed opinion that this + Opera is a</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"DE-LA-RA-Boom-de-ay!"</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Everything scenically and stage-managerially that could be + done to make <i>The Light of Asia</i> brilliant, Sir + DRURIOLANUS has done; but, after a first hearing, it strikes me + that, regarded as a work for the stage, it is a mere + <i>Night-light of Asia</i>, which, like <i>Macbeth's</i> "brief + candle," will go "out," and "then be heard no more." If, + however, it be relegated to the concert-hall, as a Cantata, + <i>The Light of Asia</i> may appear lighter than it does on the + boards of Covent Garden, where, intended to be a dramatic + Opera, it only recalls to me the title of one of RUDYARD + KIPLING's stories, viz., <i>The Light that Failed</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A SUTTON THOUGHT.—Mr. CHAMBERLAIN can now allude to + Lord ROSEBERY as "a Sutton person of his acquaintance."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page294" + id="page294"></a>[pg 294]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/294.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/294.png" + alt="QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS." /></a> + + <h3>QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS.</h3> + + <p><i>Unfashionable Mother.</i> "WHAT A SWEET CHILD! HOW + OLD IS SHE?"</p> + + <p><i>Fashionable Mother.</i> "WELL, REALLY, IF YOU ARE + GOING TO ASK <i>THAT</i> SORT OF QUESTION, I'D BETTER SEND + FOR THE NURSE!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>AN OLD SONG REVIVED.</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>(<i>As sung by the Champion Ulster "Comique," Colonel + S-nd-rs-n, to the old tune of "De Groves of de Pool," + written by "honest Dick Millikin."</i>)</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Whillaloo! If they droive us to foighting,</p> + + <p class="i2">'Tis ourselves who will lead 'em a + dance,</p> + + <p>Till, loike the Cork bhoys, they're deloighting,</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>Back again</i> to their homes to + <i>advance</i>!</p> + + <p>No longer in beating such rebels</p> + + <p class="i2">We'll take than in baiting a bull.</p> + + <p>How they'll squake, in effeminate trebles,</p> + + <p class="i2">When Ulster's battalions are full!</p> + + <p class="i10">Ri fol didder rol didder rol!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>We</i> trate 'em as loving relations?</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>We</i> trust to the "Union of + Hearts"?</p> + + <p><i>We</i> heed the Grand Old One's orations?</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>We</i> play the Minority's parts?</p> + + <p><i>We</i> bow to the yoke of TIM HEALY?</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>We</i> stoop to the Papisthry + rule?</p> + + <p>Faix! them who imagine it really</p> + + <p class="i2">Must fancy that "Orange" spells + "fool."</p> + + <p class="i10">Ri fol didder rol didder rol!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>We</i> consint to a sham House o' Commons</p> + + <p class="i2">Established on ould College Green?</p> + + <p>They fancy we're Radical rum 'uns!</p> + + <p class="i2">Allaygiance we owe to our QUEEN!</p> + + <p>But we're fly to <i>their</i> thraitorous + dodges;</p> + + <p class="i2">Our loyalty's edge would they dull?</p> + + <p>Fwit! We'll pour like a flood from our Lodges,</p> + + <p class="i2">And crack every "National" skull!</p> + + <p class="i10">Ri fol didder rol didder rol!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>We're all friends of Law and of Order,</p> + + <p class="i2">But would they wrench <i>us</i> from the + Crown?</p> + + <p>We'll soon be a-singing "<i>Boyne Water</i>,"</p> + + <p class="i2">And marching to "<i>Croppies, lie + down!</i>"</p> + + <p>'Tis we have the Men and the Money,</p> + + <p class="i2">We don't <i>want</i> to foight, we're + quite cool.</p> + + <p>But, by Jingo, our foes will look funny,</p> + + <p class="i2">When Ulster turns out 'gin Home Rule!</p> + + <p class="i10">Ri fol didder rol didder rol!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>To-day in our myriads we muster.</p> + + <p class="i2">Friendly <i>warning</i> is all that + <i>we</i> mean.</p> + + <p>About SOLLY's "incitement" Rads fluster;</p> + + <p class="i2">We're thrue to the Crown and the + QUEEN:</p> + + <p>But Ulster no "pathriot" shall sever,</p> + + <p class="i2">And Ulster no "Papish" shall school.</p> + + <p>Whillaloo! Here's the Union for ever,</p> + + <p class="i2">And into the Boyne wid Home Rule!</p> + + <p class="i10">Ri fol didder rol didder rol!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Och! Here's to Dutch WILLIAM the Pious!</p> + + <p class="i2">And here's to VICTORIA the Good!</p> + + <p>If they think we <i>won't</i> foight, let 'em try + us!</p> + + <p class="i2">They mock at an Orangeman's mood,</p> + + <p>But once set the Green 'gainst the Yellow,</p> + + <p class="i2">(Wid no one our coat-tails to pull,)</p> + + <p>And I pity the pathriots who bellow</p> + + <p class="i2">(Like bhoys in a bog) for Home Rule!</p> + + <p class="i10">Ri fol didder rol didder rol!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Come, all loyal props of the nation,</p> + + <p class="i2">Come fill up a bumper all round!</p> + + <p>Drink success to our great federation;</p> + + <p class="i2">With Brummy JOE's blessing 'tis + crowned.</p> + + <p><i>He</i> says we are heroes, right stingo,</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>He</i> vows W.G.'s an old fool.</p> + + <p>No, we <i>don't</i> want to fight, but, by + Jingo,</p> + + <p class="i2">Whin we <i>do</i>—it's all up wid + Home Rule!</p> + + <p class="i10">Ri fol didder rol didder rol!</p> + + <p class="i10">[<i>Left "bombinating."</i></p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>A BACHELOR'S GROWL.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, the beautiful women, the women of ancient + days,</p> + + <p class="i2">The ripe and the red, who are done and + dead,</p> + + <p class="i4">With never a word of praise;</p> + + <p>The rich, round SALLIES and SUSANS, the POLLIES and + JOANS and PRUES,</p> + + <p class="i2">Who guarded their fame, and saw no + shame</p> + + <p class="i4">In walking in low-heeled shoes.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>They never shrieked on a platform; they never + desired a vote;</p> + + <p class="i2">They sat in a row and liked things + slow,</p> + + <p class="i4">While they knitted or patched a coat.</p> + + <p>They lived with nothing of Latin, and a jolly sight + less of Greek,</p> + + <p class="i2">And made up their books, and changed + their cooks</p> + + <p class="i4">On an average once a week.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>They never ventured in hansoms, nor climbed to the + topmost 'bus,</p> + + <p class="i2">Nor talked with a twang in the latest + slang;</p> + + <p class="i4">They left these fashions to us.</p> + + <p>But, ah, she was sweet and pleasant, though possibly + not well-read,</p> + + <p class="i2">The excellent wife who cheered your + life,</p> + + <p class="i4">And vanished at ten to bed.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And it's oh the pity, the pity that time should ever + annul</p> + + <p class="i2">The wearers of skirts who mended + shirts,</p> + + <p class="i4">And never thought nurseries dull.</p> + + <p>For everything's topsy-turvy now, the men are bedded + at ten,</p> + + <p class="i2">While the women sit up, and smoke and + sup</p> + + <p class="i4">In the Club of the Chickless Hen.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page295" + id="page295"></a>[pg 295]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/295.png"><img width="70%" + src="images/295.png" + alt="AN OLD SONG REVIVED." /></a> + + <h3>AN OLD SONG REVIVED.</h3>COLONEL S-ND-RS-N <i>(the + Irish "Lion Comique") sings</i>— + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"WE DON'T WANT TO FIGHT,</p> + + <p>BUT, BY JINGO, IF WE DO, ——"</p> + </div> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page297" + id="page297"></a>[pg 297]</span> + + <h3>THE USEFUL CRICKETER.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>A Candid Veteran's Confession.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:18%;"> + <a href="images/297-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/297-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I am rather a "pootlesome" bat—</p> + + <p class="i2">I seldom, indeed, make a run;</p> + + <p>But I'm rather the gainer by that,</p> + + <p class="i2">For it's bad to work hard in the sun.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>As a "field" I am not worth a jot,</p> + + <p class="i2">And no one expects me to be;</p> + + <p>My run is an adipose trot,</p> + + <p class="i2">My "chances" I never can see.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I am never invited to bowl,</p> + + <p class="i2">And though, p'raps, this seems like a + slight</p> + + <p>In the depths of my innermost soul</p> + + <p class="i2">I've a notion the Captain is right.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In short, I may freely admit</p> + + <p class="i2">I am not what you'd call a great + catch;</p> + + <p>But yet my initials are writ</p> + + <p class="i2">In the book against every match!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>For although—ay, and there is the + rub—</p> + + <p class="i2">I am forty and running to fat,</p> + + <p>I have made it all right with the Club,</p> + + <p class="i2">By presenting an Average Bat!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>PRIVATE REFLECTIONS OF THE PUBLIC ORATOR AT CAMBRIDGE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>As recorded by Mr. Punch's Patent Phonograph.</i>)</h4> + + <p>Deadly business, this Latin joking. One speech is bad + enough, but fifteen are absolutely crushing. Still it must be + done. Shade of CICERO, befriend me! Here goes:—</p> + + <p>"What on earth can I say about the DUKE OF EDINBURGH? + Mustn't offend these blessed Royalties. Am told they never take + kindly to jokes. Let me see, he served on the <i>Euryalus</i> + (query? ought I to bring in <i>Nisus</i>). Travelled a great + deal—<i>multorum vidit et urbes</i>. <i>Mem.</i> Work + this up. By the way, ALFRED's his name. Bring in ALFRED and the + cakes. ALFRED thrashed Danes. PRINCE OF WALES married a Dane. + To be worked up. Sailor-Prince: <i>mem.</i> <i>O navis + referent, etc.</i> See also VIRGIL's description of storm. + Prince plays fiddle. Might say that VIRGIL was poet <i>quem + vicina Cremonæ Mantua genuit</i>. Did this, years ago, for old + JOACHIM, but can use it again. Never mind the <i>væ nimium + miseræ vicina Cremonæ</i>. Prince won't know about that. What's + the best Latin for Admiral? Daughter betrothed to Crown PRINCE + OF ROUMANIA. Can get in Roman legionaries. Ripping!!</p> + + <p>"NORTHBROOK's fairly easy. Oxford man. Mustn't mention he + only got Second Class. Never mind, India will pull me through. + Conquests of ALEXANDER, and all that sort of thing. Must look + up RUDYARD KIPLING for latest tips. Dusky brothers (Query, + <i>sub-fusci fratres?</i>) good Academical joke this; sure to + fetch the VICE-CHANCELLOR. Pity the CHANCELLOR's so poor in + Latin.</p> + + <p>"CRANBROOK next. Bother all these brooks! He's a Viscount + (<i>Vice-Comes</i> DE CRANBROOK). Lord President of Council; + looks after education. That'll do it. Who's this fool that has + sent a post-card asking me to say something about <i>Educatio + libera</i>? <i>Num est tuus servus canis ut hanc rem + faciat?</i></p> + + <p>"HENRY JAMES. Dear me! No University education. Must refer to + CICERO as a barrister. <i>Solicitor Generalis</i> doesn't sound + right somehow. Refused to be Lord Chancellor. <i>Mem.</i> Get + good joking Latin for Woolsack. Factory and Workshops Act must + see me through.</p> + + <p>"JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN. Hard nut to crack. Can't say I like him + myself. <i>Birminghamiæ decus; civium consensu + ter</i>—What the dickens is Mayor in Latin? Did anybody + make screws in ancient Rome? <i>Mem.</i> Work up orchids and + eyeglass. <i>Una cum Cancellario nostro seni grandi + restitit.</i> Absolutely no literary distinction. Still, he's + got a son who was a Cambridge man. Must get in a sly dig at + OSCAR BROWNING and East Worcestershire. Something about old-age + pensions. Bah, I hate the job!</p> + + <p>"JOHN MORLEY. Humph! Delicate ground. Home Rule's got to be + skimmed over. Only consistent Home-Ruler of the lot (<i>sibi + constat</i>). Books by the dozen (<i>lucidus ordo, etc.</i>). + French Revolution (<i>res novæ</i>). Ardent reformer (<i>res + renovanda radicitus</i>). Ought to drag in <i>impiger, + iracundus, inexorabilis acer</i>. Better not, on second + thoughts.</p> + + <p>"That's enough for one morning. Polish off the rest + to-morrow. <i>Mem.</i> WEBSTER won two miles against Oxford + (<i>duo millia passuum; Oxoniensibus triumphatus</i>, and a few + japes about Isthmian games. Must fetch them). Remember to give + ROBY one or two for himself over his Latin grammar. Mostly + wrong. He'd better stick to making reels of cotton. SEELEY and + the others can wait."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MR. HARDUP lately came into a large fortune, and changed his + name to SKATTERKASH. He has started a coach, and drives four + duns. "The duns used always to be after me," says he; "now I've + got 'em before me. It's a pleasant reminder of unpleasant + times."</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>KENSINGTON GARDENS.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>In the Summer Evenings, after Eight.</i>)</h4> + + <p><i>As they are, always.</i>—Closed. Within, a solitary + policeman, moping. Without, the jaded citizens, gasping on a + dusty road, and gazing through the iron railings at the cool + groves within. A mile away, or nearer, some military bands + (paid—by whom?—no matter—ultimately by + tax-payers, who don't get much for their money), bored to death + for lack of work, and any number of charitable institutions + spending half their funds in advertising for more.</p> + + <p><i>As they might be, sometimes.</i>—Open. At the gate + energetic policemen taking the shillings of eager citizens who + crowd in to sit and smoke in the cool groves, lighted by + inexpensive Chinese lanterns, and to listen to the music of the + military bands, now alert, cheerful and occupied. Scattered + through the cool groves a few energetic, but unobtrusive, + policemen, seeing that everyone behaves as quietly as at the + Fisheries or the Healtheries. And (the next morning) any number + of charitable institutions receiving the shillings thus + virtuously and profitably spent.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>SYLLOGISMS OF THE STUMP.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Selected—and condensed—from recent Platform + "Arguments."</i>)</h4> + + <p>There is no principle, no precedent, no reason why, if the + majority desire anything, a Legislative sanction should not be + given to their decision.</p> + + <p>The majority in Ireland desire Home Rule.</p> + + <p>Therefore, it would be an outrage to the minority to give + Legislative sanction to that desire.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/297-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/297-2.png" + alt="Going to the Country with a Cry." /></a>Going to + the Country with a Cry. + </div> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The influence of Women in politics must be elevating and + refining.</p> + + <p>That influence can be most effectively and legitimately + exercised by and through possession of the Electoral + Franchise.</p> + + <p>Therefore it would unsex and degrade women to give them the + Parliamentary vote.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is useless to receive a deputation (say, upon Eight + Hours' Day legislation) unless you "mean business" in that + matter.</p> + + <p><i>I</i> do not mean business in that matter—at + present.</p> + + <p>Therefore I shall be delighted to receive the + deputation.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Liberal Legislation is bad for the country.</p> + + <p>The present Government has successfully accomplished more + Liberal Legislation than any of its predecessors.</p> + + <p>Therefore the country should vote for the present + Government.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The Gladstone Government of 1880 made many serious + mistakes.</p> + + <p><i>I</i> was a leading Member of that Government.</p> + + <p>Therefore you cannot go wrong in following me now.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Mr. C. made a slashing attack on Lord R., and addressed to + him certain awkward questions and posing arguments to which he + is bound to attempt an answer.</p> + + <p>Lord R. made a dashing rejoinder to Mr. C., and devoted the + whole of his speech to answering Mr. C.'s questions and + arguments.</p> + + <p>Therefore Lord R. showed bad taste and temper, and wasted + his own time and the public's.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>I have altered my opinion of many men since 1885.</p> + + <p>Many men have altered their opinion of <i>me</i> since that + same date.</p> + + <p>Therefore they are either fickle fools or idolatrous + items.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>I followed my Leader until 1881.</p> + + <p>Some follow him still.</p> + + <p>Therefore either they don't know what they do, or don't mean + what they say.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>If any logical-minded reader should object that these + so-called syllogisms are not really syllogisms at all, we + should agree with him. But then they are not only the brief and + formal expression of long-winded so-called arguments, which are + not really arguments at all, but which, veiled in floods of + verbiage, are duly presented to the public, from platform and + Press, as though they really were so. <i>Moral</i>:—The + clear analysis of stump-oratory generally takes the form of a + <i>reductio ad absurdum</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MUTUAL ADVERTISEMENT BY THE COURT JESTER.—At the + Shaftesbury Theatre is announced <i>A Play in Little</i>. At + the Court they might announce a LITTLE in a Play. + [N.B.—For explanation see Cast under Clock.] Just now, + very little in any play.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page298" + id="page298"></a>[pg 298]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/298.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/298.png" + alt="A DISTINCTION WITH A DIFFERENCE." /></a> + + <h3>A DISTINCTION WITH A DIFFERENCE.</h3> + + <p><i>Mistress</i> (<i>to applicant for situation, who has + been dismissed, from her last place</i>). "SO YOU'VE JUST + LEFT? DIDN'T YOUR SITUATION SUIT YOU?"</p> + + <p><i>Martha.</i> "OH YES, 'M. SITUATION SOOTED ME VERY + WELL. IT WAS ME, MUM, AS DIDN'T SOOT THE SITUATION!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>FROM A LAHORE PAPER.—"<i>Punch</i>," the writer ought + to have said "<i>Mr. Punch</i>,"—"possesses a battery of + guns, and maintains a standing army of 1,200 men." Quite + correct. Wonderful how they get the news out there. The guns + fire a hundred jokes per minute; all killing ones. The standing + army do the thing well, and will stand anything (well-iced) to + all friends within reasonable limits, under command of <i>Mr. + Punch</i>, President.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>VERY NATURAL.—Mrs. BROWN POTTER, tired of playing a + Hero, is now coming out as a Heroine before the Chaff'dsbury + Theatre is shut up.</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>ROD and RIVER</i> is the title of a useful book about + fly-fishing (it only needs "fly-leaves" for notes to make it + perfect), written by a Major bearing the appropriate name of + FISHER. One note he might append for the benefit of intending + Etonians, that those who, not having "passed" their swimming + examination, venture to go on the "river", are in danger of the + "rod."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MRS. RAM was told that Mr. JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN is a giant in + intellect. She said, "I don't know much about intellect, but he + must be a very big giant to carry an orchard in his + buttonhole."</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>ODONT.!</h2> + + <h4>(<i>An Ode to the Modern Flora.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, Flora, fair Goddess of Flowers, skies brighten, + the gardens are glowing,</p> + + <p>And lo! 'tis the season of Flower Shows, when + everything seems "All-a-blowing!"</p> + + <p>And what the dickens you've been up to with the + dictionary, I'm dashed if there's any possibility of + knowing.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Talk about "Volapück." Why, it isn't a circumstance + compared with the floral goddess's crack-jaw.</p> + + <p>I've been trying to read the account of a Flower + Show to my wife. Now, at patter-songs I've a slick + tongue and slack jaw.</p> + + <p>I can do "<i>John Wellington Wells</i>" pretty + patly; but to read through a horticultural article</p> + + <p>Would give an alligator instantaneous tetanus; and + of <i>meaning</i> the words seem to have no + particle.</p> + + <p>I should like to be introduced, in its Bornean home, + to the glorious plant called Cælo Dyana.</p> + + <p>But fancy a footman having to announce Madame + SPATHOGLOTTIS KIMBALLIANA!</p> + + <p>Odont. Uro-Skinneri <i>sounds</i> like something + medical and epidermic, but then we're informed that its + sepals and petals</p> + + <p>Are "reticulated in tender brown and broad + rosy-mauve," which immediately sends one "off the + metals."</p> + + <p>The Masdevallias may be a respectable family, though + <i>I</i> should not care to marry into it,</p> + + <p>But "the hybrid M. Mundyana representing M. Veitchii + × M. Ignea" (though "a wonderfully glowing orange" by + all accounts), sounds so exceedingly mixed and mongrel + that I'd certainly eschew it.</p> + + <p>"A noble Catt: Gigas" <i>sounds</i> rather + aristocratic: "Catt: Jacomb," I suppose, is a sort of a + relative;</p> + + <p>But Od. Citrosmum, sounds awfully odd, and is not + <i>my</i> notion of a reassuring appellative.</p> + + <p>And what <i>are</i> you to make of Odont. crisp. + Sanderæ, which, whomsoever "Sanderæ" may be, <i>I</i> + don't want to "crisp" him;</p> + + <p>"A sport of nature unequalled" they call him, and no + doubt his <i>name</i> is, for I can neither clearly + articulate, stutter or lisp him.</p> + + <p>I've not a doubt that, whoever he is, he is probably + liked and considered by some a gem.</p> + + <p>Gyp. Chamberlainianum has a political sound, and has + a strong savour of a floral Brummagem.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And then comes "Odont. vex. Bleui splendidissimum," + which sounds like an appeal for "<i>Two Lovely Blue + Eyes</i>."</p> + + <p>But if it means something entirely different, I + shall hear it without the smallest surprise.</p> + + <p>In fact, looking further, I find, it's "an + artificial hybrid from Odont. vexillarium × Odont. + Roezlii." That's a staggerer.</p> + + <p>But Dend. phalænopsis Schroderæ Dellense is a still + bigger horticultural swaggerer.</p> + + <p>O. Coradenei! likewise O. Crispum! I only wish that + your Godmother, Flora,</p> + + <p>Would insist upon shorter and more intelligible + names for her modern offspring. By bright Aurora,</p> + + <p>I can't go on worshipping at your floral shrine if + the ritual is polyglot gibberish, and what's more, I + won't, Ma'am.</p> + + <p>In the word (queerly spelt) of which you seem very + fond, I earnestly say, Flower Goddess, Odont. + Ma'am!!!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page299" + id="page299"></a>[pg 299]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/299.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/299.png" + alt="THE RACE FOR THE COUNTRY. WAITING FOR THE SIGNAL." /> + </a> + + <h3>THE RACE FOR THE COUNTRY. WAITING FOR THE + SIGNAL.</h3>(<i>By Our Americanised Artist.</i>) + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page300" + id="page300"></a>[pg 300]</span> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <h3>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h3> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:15%;"> + <a href="images/300-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/300-1.png" + alt="'Standing at Bar.'" /></a>"Standing at Bar." + </div> + + <p><i>Thursday, June 9.</i>—The great strength of the + Liberal Party lies in its illimitable resources of Leadership. + When in ordinary times Mr. G. is away, there is either the + SQUIRE OF MALWOOD or JOHN MORLEY to take his place. Now, in + these last days of dying Parliament, the Squire follows Mr. + G.'s leadership even to extent of stopping away from House. + JOHN MORLEY been here for short while to-night, but as soon as + he saw House comfortably in Committee he, too, departed. Seemed + as if Opposition, thus deserted, would stagger blindly on till + it fell in some ditch. At critical moment BOBBY SPENCER quietly + appeared on scene; naturally and irresistibly dropped into seat + of Mr. G. on otherwise almost empty front Bench. No sounding of + drums or braying of trumpets. BOBBY quietly walks up, brushing + past ATHERLY JONES standing at the Bar, and takes his proper + place.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/300-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/300-2.png" + alt="'Question! Question!'" /></a>"Question! + Question!" + </div> + + <p>Effect upon House instant and soothing. Prince ARTHUR looks + up relieved. No one more interested in presence of strong hand + on the rein of Opposition than the Leader of the House. + Business immediately settles down to even and rapid pace. It is + generally understood that BOBBY is desirous that the Government + shall have every assistance given them in disposing of the + remaining business. ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS shows himself a little + restive. Here is a great opportunity fleeting past; vote after + vote put from Chair agreed to almost as rapidly as it can be + recited. After half-a-dozen have been galloped through, ALPHEUS + CLEOPHAS moves uneasily in his seat. Anxiously watches the + youthful figure seated on front Bench. Bang goes another + Million. ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS can sit it no longer; jumps up and + wants to know something. BOBBY, half-turning, regards him with + grave eyes. Speaks no word, but ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS knows what is + passing through his mind; his fluent speech falters; presently + he sits down, shrivelled up, as it were, under the reproachful + glance of the new Leader. Thus the hours pass, and the votes + too, till by midnight all the money is voted for the Navy, and + whole blocks of Civil Service Estimates have been passed.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/300-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/300-3.png" + alt="Poltalloch." /></a>Poltalloch. + </div> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—Supply voted with both + hands.</p> + + <p><i>Friday.</i>—Army Estimates on in Committee of + Supply. Gather from general conversation that things are awful. + FRASER, V.C., says they are going to the dogs. WALTER BARTTELOT + "going," as he sometimes asks permission to do, "one step + farther," says they've gone. STANHOPE evidently expecting an + assault on his Department, brought in with him a stout stick. + "When JULIUS 'ANNIBAL PICTON got up just now, and gave a brief + <i>résumé</i> of the operations in which his great ancestor + defeated FLAMINIUS and SERVILIUS at the Lake of Thrasymenus; + pretty to see how STANHOPE almost involuntarily made a pass at + him with the stick.</p> + + <p>"Question! Question!" cried STUART WORTLEY, from behind the + SPEAKER's chair.</p> + + <p>"This is the question," retorted J.A.P., "or it is at least + leading me up to it. I am about, Mr. COURTNEY, to show how, + supposing the War Office at Carthage had been managed on the + same principles as those which govern the conduct of the Right + Hon. Gentleman, my illustrious ancestor, instead of routing the + enemy, would have fled from the face of FLAMINIUS, scuttled off + before SERVILIUS, and would never have lived to vanquish VARROW + at Cannes."</p> + + <p>"You rather had STANHOPE there," said POLTALLOCH meeting + J.A.P. in the Lobby afterwards, and shouting down at him a few + words of hearty encouragement.</p> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—Another gallop through the + Votes.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>LADY GAY'S SELECTIONS.</h2> + + <p class="author"><i>Phantom Lodge, Ascot.</i></p> + + <p>DEAR MR. PUNCH,</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:28%;"> + <a href="images/300-4.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/300-4.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>Here I am once more at Ascot—beloved of Women and + Milliners! <i>Ascot</i>, I mean, not <i>myself</i>, as I'm + thankful to say women don't like me—Milliners don't count + as women, of course, being so very liberal-minded; and that's + the advantage of being "somebody," and having a + figure—you can get all your gowns on the condition of + telling everyone (in strict confidence) who "built" them! I had + a most fatiguing day yesterday, as, after arriving, I had to + show the Baroness all my Ascot "confections," and I made the + poor dear quite jealous, which, of <i>course</i>, vexed me, as + she is quite my dearest friend! I was much gratified to see my + protest against these "glove contests" so admirably and + cleverly "seconded" (I'm afraid that's a fighting expression) + by one of your wonderful Artists in Black-and-White (black and + blue it might have well been on this occasion)—though, by + the way, he must have been present himself, or he wouldn't have + seen how ashamed of his own face every man was! We shall have + the dear wretches wearing veils next, I suppose!</p> + + <p>On every hand I hear great complaints of the "moderate lot" + our English Three-year-olds have turned out; and the Vicomte DE + FOSSE-TERRE (a descendant of the historical QUEEN OF NAVARRE) + quite upset our dinner-party last night by claiming immense + superiority for the French horses of the same age—why + should this be?—I don't consider the French ahead of us + in politeness, so why should they be so in breeding? However, + the fact remains, that no English Horse will run in the French + Derby this year!</p> + + <p>Lord STONEHENGE tells me we may expect the "Dissolution" + very shortly, and I'm sure the poor Members must be glad of it, + for this weather makes one long to dissolve—though I must + say it seems to me an absurd time to choose, as it will stop + the Season and upset everybody's arrangements! These things + will be better managed when we get a "House of Peeresses" at + the head of affairs—and <i>that</i> is only a question of + time, I feel sure!</p> + + <p>But now to glance at the Ascot Programme—it is such a + lengthy and important one, that a mere glance will be quite + sufficient for me, whereas a <i>man</i> would study the thing + for a week and then know nothing about it! I will just mention + a few horses that my readers will do well to "keep their eye + on," that is if they can—for really at Ascot one does not + pay much attention to the races—and in conclusion I will + give my "one-horse selection" for the <i>last</i> in the Gold + Cup. The expression "one-horsed," is, I believe, generally used + contemptuously, but it must serve till I find time to think out + another, which is impossible at present, as the luncheon-gong + has just sounded, and I have visions of a lobster-salad and + iced Hock-Cup! And now to prophesy? On the "<i>Queen's + Birthday</i>" a "<i>Sprightly</i>" "<i>Buccaneer</i>" gave an + "<i>Order</i>" to attack "<i>Harfleur</i>", captured the town, + and at the end of the "<i>Comedy</i>" paid the + "<i>Bill</i>!"</p> + + <p class="author">Yours devotedly,<br /> + LADY GAY.</p> + + <h3 class="sc">Gold Cup Tip.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The bloom on the leaf of a first-rate cigar</p> + + <p class="i2">Is expressed by the trade as "Flor + Fina,"</p> + + <p>But the sight, to a racing-man, finer by far</p> + + <p class="i2">Is the bloom of the mare + "<i>Caterina</i>!"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>GOOD NEWS!!—"Apprehended Great Cyclone!" So ran the + heading of a paragraph in the <i>Daily Telegraph</i> last + Friday. We trust this turbulent person once apprehended, will + be sentenced and imprisoned.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> +<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 102, JUNE 18, 1892***</p> +<p>******* This file should be named 14745-h.txt or 14745-h.zip *******</p> +<p>This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:<br /> +<a href="https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/4/7/4/14745">https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/7/4/14745</a></p> +<p>Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed.</p> + +<p>Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. 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C. Burnand + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 102, June 18, 1892 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: January 20, 2005 [eBook #14745] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 102, JUNE 18, 1892*** + + +E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Project Gutenberg +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 14745-h.htm or 14745-h.zip: + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/4/7/4/14745/14745-h/14745-h.htm) + or + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/4/7/4/14745/14745-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 102 + +June 18, 1892 + + + + + + + +THE COURIER OF THE HAGUE. + +(_BY THE "VACUUS VIATOR."_) + +He is an elderly amiable little Dutchman in a soft felt hat; his name +is BOSCH, and he is taking me about. _Why_ I engaged him I don't quite +know--unless from a general sense of helplessness in Holland, and +a craving for any kind of companionship. Now I have got him, I feel +rather more helpless than ever--a sort of composite of _Sandford_ +and _Merton_, with a didactic, but frequently incomprehensible _Dutch +Barlow_. My _Sandford_ half would like to exhibit an intelligent +curiosity, but is generally suppressed by _Merton_, who has a morbid +horror of useful information. Not that BOSCH is remarkably erudite, +but nevertheless he contrives to reduce me to a state of imbecility, +which I catch myself noting with a pained surprise. There is a statue +in the Plein, and the _Sandford_ element in me finds a satisfaction in +recognising it aloud as WILLIAM the Silent. It is--but, as my _Merton_ +part thinks, a fellow _would_ be a fool if he didn't recognise WILLIAM +after a few hours in Holland--his images, in one form or another, +are tolerably numerous. Still, BOSCH is gratified. "Yass, dot is +ole VOLLIAM," he says, approvingly, as to a precocious infant just +beginning to take notice. "Lokeer," he says, "you see dot Apoteek?" He +indicates a chemist's shop opposite, with nothing remarkable about it +externally, except a Turk's head with his tongue out over the door. +"Yes, I, speaking for _Sandford_ and _Merton_, see it--has it some +historical interest--did VOLLIAM get medicine there, or what?" "Woll, +dis mornin dare vas two sairvans dere, and de von cot two blaces out +of de odder's haid, and afderwarts he go opstairs and vas hang himself +mit a pedbost," BOSCH evidently rather proud of this as illustrating +the liveliness of The Hague. "Was he mad?" "Yass, he vas mard, mit +a vife and seeks childrens." "No, but was he out of his senses?" "I +tink it vas oud of Omsterdam he vas com," says BOSCH. "But how did +it happen?" "Wol-sare, de broprietor vas die, and leaf de successor +de pusiness, and he dells him in von mons he will go, begause he +nod egsamin to be a Chimigal--so he do it, and dey dake him to de +hosbital, and I tink _he_ vas die too by now!" adds BOSCH, cheerfully. +Very sad affair evidently--but a little complicated. _Sandford_ would +like to get to the bottom of it, but _Merton_ convinced there is _no_ +bottom. So, between us, subject allowed to drop. _Sandford_ (now +in the ascendant again) notices, as the clever boy, inscription on +house-front, "Hier woonden GROEN VAN PRINSTERER, 1838-76." "I suppose +that means VAN PRINSTERER lived here, BOSCH?" "Yass, dot vas it." "And +who was he?" "He vas--wol, he vos a Member of de Barliaments." "Was +he celebrated?" "Celebrated? oh, yass!" "What did he _do_?" (I think +_Merton_ gets this in.) "Do?" says BOSCH, quite indignantly, "he nefer +do _nodings_!" BOSCH takes me into the Fishmarket, when he directs my +attention to a couple of very sooty live storks, who are pecking about +at the refuse. "Dose birts are shtorks; hier dey vas oblige to keep +alvays two shtorks for de arms of de Haag. Ven de yong shtorks porn, +de old vons vas kill." _Sandford_ shocked--_Merton_ sceptical. "Keel +dem? Oh, yass, do anytings mit dem ven dey vas old," says BOSCH, +and adds:--"Ve haf de breference mit de shtorks, eh?" What _is_ he +driving at? "Yass--ven _ve_ vas old, ve vas nod kill." This reminds +BOSCH--_Barlow_-like--of an anecdote. "Dere vas a vrent to me," he +begins, "he com and say to me, 'BOSCH, I am god so shtout and my bark +is so dick, I can go no more on my lacks--vat vas I do?' To him I say, +'Wol, I dell you vat I do mit you--I dake you at de booshair to be cot +op; I tink you vas make vary goot shdeak-meat!'" Wonder whether this +is a typical sample of BOSCH's _badinage_. "What did he say to that, +BOSCH?" "Oh, he vas vair moch loff, a-course!" says BOSCH, with the +natural complacency of a successful humorist. + +[Illustration: "Some story of a scandalous but infinitely humorous +nature."] + +We go into the Old Prison, and see some horrible implements of +torture, which seem to exhilarate BOSCH. "Lokeer!" he says, "Dis vas a +pinition" (BOSCH for "punishment") "mit a can. Dey lie de man down and +vasten his foots, and efery dime he was shdrook mit de can, he jomp op +and hit his vorehaid.... Hier dey lie down de beoples on de back, and +pull dis shdring queeck, and all dese tings go roundt, and preak deir +bones. Ven de pinition vas feenish you vas det." He shows where the +Water-torture was practised. "Nottice 'ow de vater vas vork a 'ole in +de tile," he chuckles. "I tink de tile vas vary hardt det, eh?" Then +he points out a pole with a spiked prong. "Tief-catcher--put'em in +de tief's nack--and ged 'im!" Before a grim-looking cauldron he halts +appreciatively. "You know vat dat vas for?" he says. "Dat vas for de +blode-foots; put 'em in dere, yass, and light de vire onderneat." +No idea what "_blode-foots_" may be, but from the relish in BOSCH's +tone, evidently something very unpleasant, so don't press him for +explanations. We go upstairs, and see some dark and very mouldy +dungeons, which BOSCH is most anxious that I should enter. Make him go +in _first_, for the surroundings seem to have excited his sense of the +humorous to such a degree, that he might be unable to resist locking +me in, and leaving me, if I gave him a chance. + +Outside at last, thank goodness! The Groote Kerk, according to BOSCH, +"is not vort de see," so we don't see it. _Sandford_ has a sneaking +impression that I ought to go in, but _Merton_ glad to be let off. +We go to see the pictures at the Mauritshuis instead. BOSCH exchanges +greetings with the attendants in Dutch. "Got _another_ of 'em +in tow, you see--and collar-work, _I_ can tell you!" would be a +free translation, I suspect, of his remarks. Must say that, in a +Picture-gallery, BOSCH is a superfluous luxury. He _does_ take my +ignorance just a trifle too much for granted. He _might_ give me +credit for knowing the story of ADAM and EVE, at all events! "De +Sairpan gif EVA de opple, an' EVA she gif him to ADAM," BOSCH +carefully informs me, before a "_Paradise_," by RUBENS and BRUEGHEL. +This rouses my _Merton_ half to inquire what ADAM did with it. "Oh, +_he_ ead him too!" says BOSCH in perfect good faith. I do wish, +too, he wouldn't lead me up to PAUL POTTER's "_Bull_," and ask me +enthusiastically if it isn't "real meat." I shouldn't mind it so much +if there were not several English people about, without couriers--but +there _are_. My only revenge is (as _Merton_) to carefully pick out +the unsigned canvases and ask BOSCH who painted them; whereupon, BOSCH +endeavours furtively to make out the label on the frames, and then +informs me in desperation, "it was '_School_.'--yass, _he_ baint +him!" BOSCH kindly explains the subject of every picture in detail. +He tells me a DROOCHSLOOT represents a "balsham pedder." I suppose +I look bewildered, for he adds--"oppen air tance mit a village." +"Hier dey vas haf a tispute; dis man say de ham vas more value as de +cheese--dere is de cheese, and dere is the ham." "Hier is an old man +dot marry a yong vife, and two tevils com in, and de old man he ron +avay." "Hier he dress him in voman, and de vife is vrighten." "Hier is +JAN STEEN himself as a medicine, and he veel de yong voman's polse and +say dere is nodings de madder, and de modder ask him to trink a glass +of vine." "Hier is de beach at Skavening--now dey puild houses on +de dunes--bot de beach is schdill dere." Such are BOSCH's valuable +and instructive comments, to which, as representing _Sandford_ and +_Merton_, I listen with depressed docility. All the same, can't help +coming to the conclusion that Art is _not_ BOSCH's strong point. +Shall come here again--alone. We go on to the Municipal Museum, where +he shows me what _he_ considers the treasures of the collection--a +glass goblet, engraved "mit dails of tobaggo bipes," and the pipes +themselves; a painting of a rose "mit ade beople's faces in de leafs;" +and a drawing of "two pirts mit only von foots." + +Outside again. BOSCH shows me a house. "Lokeer. In dot house leef an +oldt lady all mit herself and ade sairvans. She com from Friesland, +yassir." Really, I think BOSCH is going to be interesting--at last. +There is a sly twinkle in his eye, denoting some story of a scandalous +but infinitely humorous nature. "Well, BOSCH, go on--what about the +old lady?" I ask, eagerly, as _Merton_. "Wol, Sir," says BOSCH, "she +nefer go noveres." ... That's _all_! "A devilish interesting story, +_Sumph_, indeed!" to quote _Mr. Wagg_. + +But, as BOSCH frequently reminds me, "It vas pedder, you see, as a +schendlemans like you go apout mit me; I dell you tings dot vas nod in +de guide-books." Which I am not in a position to deny. + + * * * * * + +BY ONE OF THE UNEMPLOYED.--"It is a curious fact," wrote the Recording +Angel, a very superior sort of person to "the Printer's Devil," on +the _Daily Telegraph_, "that in Greater London last week the births +registered were just one more than twice the number of deaths. Thus +grows the population in this great Babylon." Very appropriate, in +this instance, is the title of "Great Baby-lon." If you put it down +an "e," my Lord, and spell it "berths," then these are by no means in +proportion to the unemployed youth in search of them. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DISSOLUTION--(AS THE ENEMY OF THE LONDON SEASON).] + + There was a sound of revelry by day, + And England's Capital had gathered then, + Her Beauty and her Masherdom, and gay + Spring's sun shone o'er smart women and swell men; + A thousand shops shone showily; and when + MAY came to Mayfair, FLORA to Pall-Mall, + Shrewd eyes winked hope to eyes which winked again, + And maids heard sounds as of the marriage-bell. + But hush! hark! a harsh sound strikes like a sudden knell! + + Did ye not hear it? Is it howling wind? + The tram-car rattling o'er the stony street? + The groans of M.P.'s wearily confined + To the dull House when night and morning meet, + Dragged to Divisions drear with dawdling feet? + + No, hark! that heavy sound breaks in once more, + The street, the hall its echoes now repeat, + And nearer, clearer, deadlier than before! + Arm! Arm! it is--it is--the Elections' opening roar! + + 'Tis in our midst--that figure draped and dim, + Whose mocking music makes us all afraid. + "Death as the Foe!" Can it indeed be _Him_? + Duller, more dirge-like tune was never played + On strings more spirit-chilling. Feet are stayed + Though in mid-waltz, and laughter, though at height, + Hushes, and maidens modishly arrayed + For matrimonial conquest, shrink with fright; + And Fashion palsied sits, and Shopdom takes to flight. + + Ah! then and there are hurryings to and fro + And gathering tears, and poutings of distress, + And cheeks all pale, which some short hours ago + Glowed with the deep delights of Dance and Dress; + And there are sudden partings, such as press + The hope from Spoons of promise, meaning sighs + Which ne'er may be repeated; who can guess + If ever more shall meet those mutual eyes, + When Dissolution snaps the Season's tenderest ties? + + And there is scuttling in hot haste: the steed, + The Coaching Meet, the Opera's latest star, + The Row, the River, the Vitellian feed,-- + All the munitions of the Social War, + Seem fruitless now, when peal on peal afar + And near, the beat of the great Party Drum + Rouses M.P.'s to platform joust and jar, + While tongue-tied dullards scarcely dare be dumb, + When the Whips whisper "Go!" Wirepullers clamour "Come!" + + "Too bad! Too bad!" The Influenza chilled, + Court-mourning marred, the Season's earliest prime, + And now, just as with hope young breasts are filled, + When young leaves still are verdant on the lime, + When diners-out are having a good time, + When Epsom's o'er and Ascot is at hand; + To cut all short, is scarcely less than crime. + Confusion on that wrangling party-band + Whose Dissolution deals the doldrums round the land! + + Ah! wild and high those Phantom-fiddlings rise!-- + All jocund June with palsying terror thrills; + Fashion sits frozen dead with staring eyes. + How that dread dirge the ambient Summer fills + Savage and shrill! Smart frocks, soft snowy frills, + Long trains which dancing Beauty deftly steers. + Through waltzes wild or devious quadrilles,-- + All vanish; bosoms white, beset with fears; + Beat flight as that fell strain falls harsh on Beauty's ears. + + And June yet waves above them her green leaves, + Dewy with Springtide's night-drops as they pass + Grieving,--if aught that's modish ever grieves,-- + Over the unreturning chance. Alas! + Their hopes are all cut down ere falls the grass. + That with corn-harvest might have seen full blow. + See how foiled Shopdom flies, a huddled mass + Of disappointment, hurrying from the foe, + Who all their Season's prospects shatters, and lays low. + + Last month beheld them full of lusty life. + Beauty, and Wealth, and Pleasure, proudly gay; + This music brings the signal-sound of strife, + This month the marshalling to arms. Away! + Party's magnificently sham array + The muster of Mode's mob will soon have rent. + Play on, O Phantom, ominously play! + Death as the Foe! They fly before thee, blent, + Maid, Matron, Masher, Mime, in general discontent! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE DARWINIAN THEORY--VARIATION FROM ENVIRONMENT. + +"KNOCKED 'EM IN THE OLD KENT KOAD!" + +"ATTRACTED ALL EYES AT CHURCH PARADE."] + + * * * * * + +ADVICE GRATIS. + +DEBT.--"SIMPLE SIMON" writes: "A man owes me money which he cannot +pay. He lives in furnished lodgings, and has given me a Bill of Sale +on the furniture. Is this sufficient security? He also offers to +insure his life for L200 if I will advance him L100, which will be +the cost of the first premium, which he says is always heavy. I am +disposed to close with this offer. Am I prudent?"--Prudent is hardly +the word to describe you. We should not in your position make the +advance mentioned. A retreat would be much better tactics. We fancy, +from your description, that your friend would do well as a Company +Promoter. + +STOCK-DEALING TRANSACTIONS.--"Will you advise me under the following +circumstances?" asks "CHEERFUL SOUL," on a post-card. "I placed L50 +with an Outside Broker as a speculation for the rise in Cashville and +Toothpeka First Preference. Yesterday I received a note to say I had +lost my money, as 'cover had run off.' On repairing to the Broker's +Office, I was surprised to find it apparently deserted. What is my +remedy?"--We should imagine that the Broker had "run off" too. Your +remedy is--not to speculate again. "Flutters" lead to the Gutters. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE EXPRESSED OTHERWISE. + +_Married Vicar_, "WELL, MY BISHOP WAS VERY PARTICULAR WITH _ME_. AMONG +OTHER THINGS, HE ASKED ME, BEFORE PRESENTING ME, _WHETHER MY WIFE WAS +A LADY_!" + +_His Curate_ (_reflectively_). "I CAN _QUITE_ UNDERSTAND _THAT_!"] + + * * * * * + +THE WAY THEY HAVE IN THE ARMY. + +(_A CONVERSATION--PURELY IMAGINARY._) + + SCENE--_Pall Mall. Present, SECRETARY OF STATE and Military + Adviser._ + +_Mil. A._ I want to know your ideas about the Autumn Manoeuvres. Are +we to have any this year? + +_Sec. of S._ (_with a melancholy smile_). That depends upon +circumstances not entirely under my control. + +_Mil. A._ Oh, yes; I know. But Governments may come and Governments +may go, but the State flows on for ever. Whatever _you_ commence +_they_ will have to carry out. + +_Sec. of S._ Can we have these Manoeuvres without expense? + +_Mil. A._ Well, scarcely. For instance, there is the ammunition. + +_Sec. of S._ Oh, we can get over that! Every soldier, when he is +supposed to fire, can say, "Bang!" or words to that effect. We might +add the direction to the new Provisional Drill-Book. + +_Mil. A._ (_drily_). Yes, you might; and it would prove about as +useful as the other regulations in that remarkable volume! Well, +suppose the difficulty of ammunition surmounted, what next? + +_Sec. of S._ Well, I suppose we shall have to spend some money on the +farmers for rights of way and the rest of it? + +_Mil. A._ I suppose so, if you want the troops to move over an +unfamiliar country. + +_Sec. of S._ But I am not sure I do. Why shouldn't they learn how to +defend Aldershot? Then it would cost nothing. What next? + +_Mil. A._ Well, there will be the Commissariat expenses. + +_Sec. of S._ Suppose food costs the same in most places. Besides, +isn't TOMMY ATKINS supposed to purchase his own victuals? + +_Mil. A._ Yes, theoretically I suppose he is; but practically he-- + +_Sec. of S._ Oh, bother practice! Of course he must, somehow; he must +pay for the Commissariat out of his own pocket. + +_Mil. A._ Well, then there is the question of transport. Of course, +many regiments have their own waggons and carts, but for a special +occasion I think it would be advisable if-- + +_Sec. of S._ (_interrupting_). What nonsense! Why, of course we will +make them all walk. It will do them a world of good! + +_Mil. A._ Well, as we want to bring some from Scotland, it will +distinctly be a long walk--a very long walk indeed! + +_Sec. of S._ (_heartily_). So much the better--so much the better! + +_Mil. A._ (_sarcastically_). I fancy you will have to pay a large bill +in shoe-leather! + +_Sec. of S._ (_aghast_). So we shall! Oh, bother the Manoeuvres just +now! The fact is, I have to think of other things! + + [_Scene closes in upon Secretary thinking of other things._ + + * * * * * + +STUDIES IN THE NEW POETRY. + +NO. II. + +MR. PUNCH's first example of the New Poetry was, it may be remembered, +in the rhymed, irregular style. It is not a difficult style. The +lines may be long or short; some may groan under an accumulation of +words, while others consist of merely two or three--a most unfair +distribution. The style of the following specimen, (also by Mr. +H-NL-Y) is, however, even easier to manage. There are no rhymes and +very few restrictions. The lines are very short, and a few words, +therefore, go a very long way, which is always a consideration, even +if you don't happen to be paid by the column. This style is very +fierce and bloodthirsty and terrible. Timid people are, therefore, +advised, for the sake of their nerves, not to read any farther. + +THE SONG OF THE POKER. + +[Illustration] + + The Poker, + Clanging. + I am the Poker the straight and the strong, + Prone in the fire grate, + Black at the nether end, + Knobby and nebulous. + + Fashioned for fight + In the Pit Acherontic: + Many have grappled me, + Poised me and thrust me + Into the glowing, + The flashing and furious + Heart of the fire. + Raked with me, prized with me, + Till on a sudden + Besparked and encircled + With Welsh or with Wallsend, + Shattering, battering + They drew me away. + Others in rivalry, + Thinking to better + The previous performance, + Seized me again; + Pushed with a leverage + Hard on the haft of me, + Till with the shocks + Sank the red fire, + Shivered and sank + Subdued into blackness. + That is my Toil; + I am the Poker. + + Oh, and the burglar's head + Often hath felt me, + Hard, undesirable + Cracker of craniums. + I have drunk of the blood, + The red blood, the life-blood + Of the wife of the drunkard. + Hoh! then, the glory. + The joyous, ineffable + Cup of fulfilment, + When the policeman, + Tall with a bull's-eye, + Took me and shook me, + Produced me in evidence, + There in the dim + Unappeasable grisliness + Of the Police-Court. + Women to shrink at me, + Men to be cursed with me, + Bloodstained, contemptuous, + Laid on the table. + I am the Minister, + Azrael's Minister. + I am the Poker. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: VENUS (ANNO DOMINI 1892) RISES FROM THE SEA!!] + + * * * * * + +OPERATIC NOTES. + +_Wednesday_.--Great German Night. Third Part of the Festival Play for +Four Nights by RICHARD WAGNER, with (thank goodness just to lighten +it) an English translation by the Messrs. CORDER. + +"_Sursum Corder!_" A light and airy work as everyone knows is _Der +Ring des Nibelungen_, or _The Nibelung's Ring_, requiring all the +power of lungs to get the true ring out of the work. Hard work for +singers, more so for orchestra, and most so for audience. As for the +"Ring," there are a lot of animals in the Opera, but no horse, so the +Circus entertainment is not complete until _Bruennhilde_ shall appear +in the next part of the tetralogy, with her highly-trained steed. +Odd! Throughout two long (and, ahem! somewhat weary, eh?) Acts, not +a female singer visible on stage (though one sings "like a bird" off +it,--that is, quite appropriately, "at the wings"), and not until the +Third Act, does _Erda_ the witch "rise from below," and we all saw +her and 'Erd 'er. Then, later on, appears _Bruennhilde_, asleep, "in +a complete suit of gleaming plate-armour, with helmet on her head and +long shield over her body," a style of free-and-easy costume which, as +everyone knows, is highly conducive to sleeping in perfect comfort. +No wonder _Siegfried_ mistakes her for a man-in-armour out of the Lord +Mayor's Show, and exclaims, + +[Illustration: Scenes in the Ring. Sir Alvary Siegfried, with Nothung +on, as Master of "the Ring," gives a Special Entertainment.] + + "Ha, a Warrior, sure! + I scan with wonder his form!" + +(I was scanning with wonder the verses,--but _passons!_)--he +continues:-- + + "His haughty head + Is pressed by the helm!" + +This at first sight looks nautical; and therefore his next question +is, "Can I speak to the man at the wheel?" He decides that, as the +sleeping warrior "heaveth his breast," and "is heavily breathing," it +will be a humane act to give him a little air,--[which is done in the +orchestra whatever air there is],--and then _Siegfried_ asks himself +if it won't be as well, or "better, to open his byrnie?" Those among +the audience who have been carefully reading the translation up to +this point, here look up and closely watch _Siegfried's_ proceedings, +being evidently uncertain as to what "his byrnie" may be. Some clever +person in Stalls observes that up to now, he has always thought that +"'byrnie' was the affectionate diminutive for a mountain 'byrne' in +Scotland." Which clever person had evidently much to learn. However +the effect of the operation for "byrnie" (which ought to have been +performed by Dr. BYRNIE YEO, ever ready to rescue a fellow-creature +in distress) is to show that the supposed Knight is a Lady. Whereupon +_Siegfried_ with "surprise and astonishment starts back" exclaiming:-- + +"This is no man! Burning enchantment"--he meant "Byrnieing"--"charges +my heart;"--(what charge does a heart make in these +circumstances?)--"fiery awe falls on my eyesight;" (bad symptoms +these!)--"My senses stagger and sway,"--So _he_ swaggers and stays. + +It is some time before he can pull himself together, and then the +"Bewitched Maiden" awakes and addresses him bewitchingly. This causes +him to be taken with a fit of "exalted rapture," while the lady, on +her part, cannot help being "deeply stirred." + +After a mad wooing, she laughs in a "wild transport of passion," calls +him a "high-minded boy," likewise "a blossoming hero," also "a babe of +prowess;" all which epithets, styles and titles, are in quite the vein +of _Falstaff_ addressing _Prince Hal_. Then, in return, _Siegfried_ +can hit on no better compliment than to style her "a Sun" and "a +Star." Having thus exhausted their joint-stock of complimentary +endearments, they throw themselves into each other's arms. On which +situation the Curtain discreetly falls. + +[Illustration: Sir Druriolanus Wagnerensis offering the Tea-tray-logy +to his Patrons.] + +All very fine and large, of course. Orchestra splendid. _Siegfried_ +and _Bruennhilde_ recalled four times. Everybody, including Mr. MAHLER +the Conductor, and Sir AUGUSTUS WAGNERENSIS, called before Curtain. +Madame ROSA SUCHER had her evening all to herself, to go wherever she +liked, as she had only to drop in at the Opera at 11 P.M., don her +armour in which to appear before the public at midnight, sing a +few solos, join in a duet, and be off the stage again by 12:30 A.M. +punctually. + +The English translation will repay perusal. There are in it some +really choice morsels. This subject must be considered at the earliest +operatunity. + +The Singing Dragon is delightful throughout, and his death as tragic +as anything in _Pyramis_ and _Thisbe_ as played by _Bottom the Weaver +& Co_, _Limited_. + +_Saturday_.--Production of the Illustrious ISIDORE DE LARA's _Light +of Asia_. So the operatic day, that is Saturde-ay, finishes with +generally-expressed opinion that this Opera is a + + "DE-LA-RA-Boom-de-ay!" + +Everything scenically and stage-managerially that could be done to +make _The Light of Asia_ brilliant, Sir DRURIOLANUS has done; but, +after a first hearing, it strikes me that, regarded as a work for the +stage, it is a mere _Night-light of Asia_, which, like _Macbeth's_ +"brief candle," will go "out," and "then be heard no more." If, +however, it be relegated to the concert-hall, as a Cantata, _The +Light of Asia_ may appear lighter than it does on the boards of Covent +Garden, where, intended to be a dramatic Opera, it only recalls to me +the title of one of RUDYARD KIPLING's stories, viz., _The Light that +Failed_. + + * * * * * + +A SUTTON THOUGHT.--Mr. CHAMBERLAIN can now allude to Lord ROSEBERY as +"a Sutton person of his acquaintance." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS. + +_Unfashionable Mother._ "WHAT A SWEET CHILD! HOW OLD IS SHE?" + +_Fashionable Mother._ "WELL, REALLY, IF YOU ARE GOING TO ASK _THAT_ +SORT OF QUESTION, I'D BETTER SEND FOR THE NURSE!"] + + * * * * * + +AN OLD SONG REVIVED. + + (_As sung by the Champion Ulster "Comique," Colonel S-nd-rs-n, + to the old tune of "De Groves of de Pool," written by "honest + Dick Millikin."_) + + Whillaloo! If they droive us to foighting, + 'Tis ourselves who will lead 'em a dance, + Till, loike the Cork bhoys, they're deloighting, + _Back again_ to their homes to _advance_! + No longer in beating such rebels + We'll take than in baiting a bull. + How they'll squake, in effeminate trebles, + When Ulster's battalions are full! + Ri fol didder rol didder rol! + + _We_ trate 'em as loving relations? + _We_ trust to the "Union of Hearts"? + _We_ heed the Grand Old One's orations? + _We_ play the Minority's parts? + _We_ bow to the yoke of TIM HEALY? + _We_ stoop to the Papisthry rule? + Faix! them who imagine it really + Must fancy that "Orange" spells "fool." + Ri fol didder rol didder rol! + + _We_ consint to a sham House o' Commons + Established on ould College Green? + They fancy we're Radical rum 'uns! + Allaygiance we owe to our QUEEN! + But we're fly to _their_ thraitorous dodges; + Our loyalty's edge would they dull? + Fwit! We'll pour like a flood from our Lodges, + And crack every "National" skull! + Ri fol didder rol didder rol! + + We're all friends of Law and of Order, + But would they wrench _us_ from the Crown? + We'll soon be a-singing "_Boyne Water_," + And marching to "_Croppies, lie down!_" + 'Tis we have the Men and the Money, + We don't _want_ to foight, we're quite cool. + But, by Jingo, our foes will look funny, + When Ulster turns out 'gin Home Rule! + Ri fol didder rol didder rol! + + To-day in our myriads we muster. + Friendly _warning_ is all that _we_ mean. + About SOLLY's "incitement" Rads fluster; + We're thrue to the Crown and the QUEEN: + But Ulster no "pathriot" shall sever, + And Ulster no "Papish" shall school. + Whillaloo! Here's the Union for ever, + And into the Boyne wid Home Rule! + Ri fol didder rol didder rol! + + Och! Here's to Dutch WILLIAM the Pious! + And here's to VICTORIA the Good! + If they think we _won't_ foight, let 'em try us! + They mock at an Orangeman's mood, + But once set the Green 'gainst the Yellow, + (Wid no one our coat-tails to pull,) + And I pity the pathriots who bellow + (Like bhoys in a bog) for Home Rule! + Ri fol didder rol didder rol! + + Come, all loyal props of the nation, + Come fill up a bumper all round! + Drink success to our great federation; + With Brummy JOE's blessing 'tis crowned. + _He_ says we are heroes, right stingo, + _He_ vows W.G.'s an old fool. + No, we _don't_ want to fight, but, by Jingo, + Whin we _do_--it's all up wid Home Rule! + Ri fol didder rol didder rol! + [_Left "bombinating."_ + + * * * * * + +A BACHELOR'S GROWL. + + Oh, the beautiful women, the women of ancient days, + The ripe and the red, who are done and dead, + With never a word of praise; + The rich, round SALLIES and SUSANS, the POLLIES and JOANS and PRUES, + Who guarded their fame, and saw no shame + In walking in low-heeled shoes. + + They never shrieked on a platform; they never desired a vote; + They sat in a row and liked things slow, + While they knitted or patched a coat. + They lived with nothing of Latin, and a jolly sight less of Greek, + And made up their books, and changed their cooks + On an average once a week. + + They never ventured in hansoms, nor climbed to the topmost 'bus, + Nor talked with a twang in the latest slang; + They left these fashions to us. + But, ah, she was sweet and pleasant, though possibly not well-read, + The excellent wife who cheered your life, + And vanished at ten to bed. + + And it's oh the pity, the pity that time should ever annul + The wearers of skirts who mended shirts, + And never thought nurseries dull. + For everything's topsy-turvy now, the men are bedded at ten, + While the women sit up, and smoke and sup + In the Club of the Chickless Hen. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AN OLD SONG REVIVED. + +COLONEL S-ND-RS-N _(the Irish "Lion Comique") sings_-- + + "WE DON'T WANT TO FIGHT, + BUT, BY JINGO, IF WE DO, ----"] + + * * * * * + +THE USEFUL CRICKETER. + +(_A CANDID VETERAN'S CONFESSION._) + +[Illustration] + + I am rather a "pootlesome" bat-- + I seldom, indeed, make a run; + But I'm rather the gainer by that, + For it's bad to work hard in the sun. + + As a "field" I am not worth a jot, + And no one expects me to be; + My run is an adipose trot, + My "chances" I never can see. + + I am never invited to bowl, + And though, p'raps, this seems like a slight + In the depths of my innermost soul + I've a notion the Captain is right. + + In short, I may freely admit + I am not what you'd call a great catch; + But yet my initials are writ + In the book against every match! + + For although--ay, and there is the rub-- + I am forty and running to fat, + I have made it all right with the Club, + By presenting an Average Bat! + + * * * * * + +PRIVATE REFLECTIONS OF THE PUBLIC ORATOR AT CAMBRIDGE. + +(_AS RECORDED BY MR. PUNCH'S PATENT PHONOGRAPH._) + +Deadly business, this Latin joking. One speech is bad enough, but +fifteen are absolutely crushing. Still it must be done. Shade of +CICERO, befriend me! Here goes:-- + +"What on earth can I say about the DUKE OF EDINBURGH? Mustn't offend +these blessed Royalties. Am told they never take kindly to jokes. +Let me see, he served on the _Euryalus_ (query? ought I to bring in +_Nisus_). Travelled a great deal--_multorum vidit et urbes_. _Mem._ +Work this up. By the way, ALFRED's his name. Bring in ALFRED and the +cakes. ALFRED thrashed Danes. PRINCE OF WALES married a Dane. To be +worked up. Sailor-Prince: _mem._ _O navis referent, etc._ See also +VIRGIL's description of storm. Prince plays fiddle. Might say that +VIRGIL was poet _quem vicina Cremonae Mantua genuit_. Did this, years +ago, for old JOACHIM, but can use it again. Never mind the _vae nimium +miserae vicina Cremonae_. Prince won't know about that. What's the best +Latin for Admiral? Daughter betrothed to Crown PRINCE OF ROUMANIA. Can +get in Roman legionaries. Ripping!! + +"NORTHBROOK's fairly easy. Oxford man. Mustn't mention he only got +Second Class. Never mind, India will pull me through. Conquests of +ALEXANDER, and all that sort of thing. Must look up RUDYARD KIPLING +for latest tips. Dusky brothers (Query, _sub-fusci fratres?_) good +Academical joke this; sure to fetch the VICE-CHANCELLOR. Pity the +CHANCELLOR's so poor in Latin. + +"CRANBROOK next. Bother all these brooks! He's a Viscount (_Vice-Comes_ +DE CRANBROOK). Lord President of Council; looks after education. +That'll do it. Who's this fool that has sent a post-card asking me to +say something about _Educatio libera_? _Num est tuus servus canis ut +hanc rem faciat?_ + +"HENRY JAMES. Dear me! No University education. Must refer to CICERO +as a barrister. _Solicitor Generalis_ doesn't sound right somehow. +Refused to be Lord Chancellor. _Mem._ Get good joking Latin for +Woolsack. Factory and Workshops Act must see me through. + +"JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN. Hard nut to crack. Can't say I like him myself. +_Birminghamiae decus; civium consensu ter_--What the dickens is +Mayor in Latin? Did anybody make screws in ancient Rome? _Mem._ Work +up orchids and eyeglass. _Una cum Cancellario nostro seni grandi +restitit._ Absolutely no literary distinction. Still, he's got a son +who was a Cambridge man. Must get in a sly dig at OSCAR BROWNING and +East Worcestershire. Something about old-age pensions. Bah, I hate the +job! + +"JOHN MORLEY. Humph! Delicate ground. Home Rule's got to be skimmed +over. Only consistent Home-Ruler of the lot (_sibi constat_). Books +by the dozen (_lucidus ordo, etc._). French Revolution (_res novae_). +Ardent reformer (_res renovanda radicitus_). Ought to drag in +_impiger, iracundus, inexorabilis acer_. Better not, on second +thoughts. + +"That's enough for one morning. Polish off the rest to-morrow. +_Mem._ WEBSTER won two miles against Oxford (_duo millia passuum; +Oxoniensibus triumphatus_, and a few japes about Isthmian games. Must +fetch them). Remember to give ROBY one or two for himself over his +Latin grammar. Mostly wrong. He'd better stick to making reels of +cotton. SEELEY and the others can wait." + + * * * * * + +MR. HARDUP lately came into a large fortune, and changed his name to +SKATTERKASH. He has started a coach, and drives four duns. "The duns +used always to be after me," says he; "now I've got 'em before me. +It's a pleasant reminder of unpleasant times." + + * * * * * + +KENSINGTON GARDENS. + +(_IN THE SUMMER EVENINGS, AFTER EIGHT._) + +_As they are, always._--Closed. Within, a solitary policeman, moping. +Without, the jaded citizens, gasping on a dusty road, and gazing +through the iron railings at the cool groves within. A mile away, or +nearer, some military bands (paid--by whom?--no matter--ultimately by +tax-payers, who don't get much for their money), bored to death for +lack of work, and any number of charitable institutions spending half +their funds in advertising for more. + +_As they might be, sometimes._--Open. At the gate energetic policemen +taking the shillings of eager citizens who crowd in to sit and smoke +in the cool groves, lighted by inexpensive Chinese lanterns, and to +listen to the music of the military bands, now alert, cheerful and +occupied. Scattered through the cool groves a few energetic, but +unobtrusive, policemen, seeing that everyone behaves as quietly as at +the Fisheries or the Healtheries. And (the next morning) any number +of charitable institutions receiving the shillings thus virtuously and +profitably spent. + + * * * * * + +SYLLOGISMS OF THE STUMP. + +(_SELECTED--AND CONDENSED--FROM RECENT PLATFORM "ARGUMENTS."_) + +There is no principle, no precedent, no reason why, if the majority +desire anything, a Legislative sanction should not be given to their +decision. + +The majority in Ireland desire Home Rule. + +Therefore, it would be an outrage to the minority to give Legislative +sanction to that desire. + +[Illustration: Going to the Country with a Cry.] + + * * * * * + +The influence of Women in politics must be elevating and refining. + +That influence can be most effectively and legitimately exercised by +and through possession of the Electoral Franchise. + +Therefore it would unsex and degrade women to give them the +Parliamentary vote. + + * * * * * + +It is useless to receive a deputation (say, upon Eight Hours' Day +legislation) unless you "mean business" in that matter. + +_I_ do not mean business in that matter--at present. + +Therefore I shall be delighted to receive the deputation. + + * * * * * + +Liberal Legislation is bad for the country. + +The present Government has successfully accomplished more Liberal +Legislation than any of its predecessors. + +Therefore the country should vote for the present Government. + + * * * * * + +The Gladstone Government of 1880 made many serious mistakes. + +_I_ was a leading Member of that Government. + +Therefore you cannot go wrong in following me now. + + * * * * * + +Mr. C. made a slashing attack on Lord R., and addressed to him certain +awkward questions and posing arguments to which he is bound to attempt +an answer. + +Lord R. made a dashing rejoinder to Mr. C., and devoted the whole of +his speech to answering Mr. C.'s questions and arguments. + +Therefore Lord R. showed bad taste and temper, and wasted his own time +and the public's. + + * * * * * + +I have altered my opinion of many men since 1885. + +Many men have altered their opinion of _me_ since that same date. + +Therefore they are either fickle fools or idolatrous items. + + * * * * * + +I followed my Leader until 1881. + +Some follow him still. + +Therefore either they don't know what they do, or don't mean what they +say. + + * * * * * + +If any logical-minded reader should object that these so-called +syllogisms are not really syllogisms at all, we should agree with +him. But then they are not only the brief and formal expression of +long-winded so-called arguments, which are not really arguments at +all, but which, veiled in floods of verbiage, are duly presented to +the public, from platform and Press, as though they really were so. +_Moral_:--The clear analysis of stump-oratory generally takes the form +of a _reductio ad absurdum_. + + * * * * * + +MUTUAL ADVERTISEMENT BY THE COURT JESTER.--At the Shaftesbury Theatre +is announced _A Play in Little_. At the Court they might announce a +LITTLE in a Play. [N.B.--For explanation see Cast under Clock.] Just +now, very little in any play. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A DISTINCTION WITH A DIFFERENCE. + +_Mistress_ (_to applicant for situation, who has been dismissed, from +her last place_). "SO YOU'VE JUST LEFT? DIDN'T YOUR SITUATION SUIT +YOU?" + +_Martha._ "OH YES, 'M. SITUATION SOOTED ME VERY WELL. IT WAS ME, MUM, +AS DIDN'T SOOT THE SITUATION!"] + + * * * * * + +FROM A LAHORE PAPER.--"_Punch_," the writer ought to have said "_Mr. +Punch_,"--"possesses a battery of guns, and maintains a standing army +of 1,200 men." Quite correct. Wonderful how they get the news out +there. The guns fire a hundred jokes per minute; all killing ones. The +standing army do the thing well, and will stand anything (well-iced) +to all friends within reasonable limits, under command of _Mr. Punch_, +President. + + * * * * * + +VERY NATURAL.--Mrs. BROWN POTTER, tired of playing a Hero, is now +coming out as a Heroine before the Chaff'dsbury Theatre is shut up. + + * * * * * + +_ROD and RIVER_ is the title of a useful book about fly-fishing (it +only needs "fly-leaves" for notes to make it perfect), written by a +Major bearing the appropriate name of FISHER. One note he might append +for the benefit of intending Etonians, that those who, not having +"passed" their swimming examination, venture to go on the "river", are +in danger of the "rod." + + * * * * * + +MRS. RAM was told that Mr. JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN is a giant in intellect. +She said, "I don't know much about intellect, but he must be a very +big giant to carry an orchard in his buttonhole." + + * * * * * + +ODONT.! + +(_AN ODE TO THE MODERN FLORA._) + + Oh, Flora, fair Goddess of Flowers, skies brighten, the gardens + are glowing, + And lo! 'tis the season of Flower Shows, when everything seems + "All-a-blowing!" + And what the dickens you've been up to with the dictionary, I'm + dashed if there's any possibility of knowing. + + Talk about "Volapueck." Why, it isn't a circumstance compared with + the floral goddess's crack-jaw. + I've been trying to read the account of a Flower Show to my wife. + Now, at patter-songs I've a slick tongue and slack jaw. + I can do "_John Wellington Wells_" pretty patly; but to read + through a horticultural article + Would give an alligator instantaneous tetanus; and of _meaning_ + the words seem to have no particle. + I should like to be introduced, in its Bornean home, to the + glorious plant called Caelo Dyana. + But fancy a footman having to announce Madame SPATHOGLOTTIS + KIMBALLIANA! + Odont. Uro-Skinneri _sounds_ like something medical and epidermic, + but then we're informed that its sepals and petals + Are "reticulated in tender brown and broad rosy-mauve," which + immediately sends one "off the metals." + The Masdevallias may be a respectable family, though _I_ should + not care to marry into it, + But "the hybrid M. Mundyana representing M. Veitchii x M. Ignea" + (though "a wonderfully glowing orange" by all accounts), + sounds so exceedingly mixed and mongrel that I'd certainly + eschew it. + "A noble Catt: Gigas" _sounds_ rather aristocratic: "Catt: + Jacomb," I suppose, is a sort of a relative; + But Od. Citrosmum, sounds awfully odd, and is not _my_ notion of a + reassuring appellative. + And what _are_ you to make of Odont. crisp. Sanderae, which, + whomsoever "Sanderae" may be, _I_ don't want to "crisp" + him; + "A sport of nature unequalled" they call him, and no doubt his + _name_ is, for I can neither clearly articulate, stutter + or lisp him. + I've not a doubt that, whoever he is, he is probably liked and + considered by some a gem. + Gyp. Chamberlainianum has a political sound, and has a strong + savour of a floral Brummagem. + + And then comes "Odont. vex. Bleui splendidissimum," which sounds + like an appeal for "_Two Lovely Blue Eyes_." + But if it means something entirely different, I shall hear it + without the smallest surprise. + In fact, looking further, I find, it's "an artificial hybrid from + Odont. vexillarium x Odont. Roezlii." That's a staggerer. + But Dend. phalaenopsis Schroderae Dellense is a still bigger + horticultural swaggerer. + O. Coradenei! likewise O. Crispum! I only wish that your + Godmother, Flora, + Would insist upon shorter and more intelligible names for her + modern offspring. By bright Aurora, + I can't go on worshipping at your floral shrine if the ritual is + polyglot gibberish, and what's more, I won't, Ma'am. + In the word (queerly spelt) of which you seem very fond, I + earnestly say, Flower Goddess, Odont. Ma'am!!! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE RACE FOR THE COUNTRY. WAITING FOR THE SIGNAL. + +(_By Our Americanised Artist._)] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +[Illustration: "Standing at Bar."] + +_Thursday, June 9._--The great strength of the Liberal Party lies in +its illimitable resources of Leadership. When in ordinary times Mr. G. +is away, there is either the SQUIRE OF MALWOOD or JOHN MORLEY to take +his place. Now, in these last days of dying Parliament, the Squire +follows Mr. G.'s leadership even to extent of stopping away from +House. JOHN MORLEY been here for short while to-night, but as soon as +he saw House comfortably in Committee he, too, departed. Seemed as +if Opposition, thus deserted, would stagger blindly on till it fell +in some ditch. At critical moment BOBBY SPENCER quietly appeared +on scene; naturally and irresistibly dropped into seat of Mr. G. on +otherwise almost empty front Bench. No sounding of drums or braying of +trumpets. BOBBY quietly walks up, brushing past ATHERLY JONES standing +at the Bar, and takes his proper place. + +[Illustration: "Question! Question!"] + +Effect upon House instant and soothing. Prince ARTHUR looks up +relieved. No one more interested in presence of strong hand on the +rein of Opposition than the Leader of the House. Business immediately +settles down to even and rapid pace. It is generally understood that +BOBBY is desirous that the Government shall have every assistance +given them in disposing of the remaining business. ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS +shows himself a little restive. Here is a great opportunity fleeting +past; vote after vote put from Chair agreed to almost as rapidly as it +can be recited. After half-a-dozen have been galloped through, ALPHEUS +CLEOPHAS moves uneasily in his seat. Anxiously watches the youthful +figure seated on front Bench. Bang goes another Million. ALPHEUS +CLEOPHAS can sit it no longer; jumps up and wants to know something. +BOBBY, half-turning, regards him with grave eyes. Speaks no word, but +ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS knows what is passing through his mind; his fluent +speech falters; presently he sits down, shrivelled up, as it were, +under the reproachful glance of the new Leader. Thus the hours pass, +and the votes too, till by midnight all the money is voted for the +Navy, and whole blocks of Civil Service Estimates have been passed. + +[Illustration: Poltalloch.] + +_Business done._--Supply voted with both hands. + +_Friday._--Army Estimates on in Committee of Supply. Gather from +general conversation that things are awful. FRASER, V.C., says they +are going to the dogs. WALTER BARTTELOT "going," as he sometimes asks +permission to do, "one step farther," says they've gone. STANHOPE +evidently expecting an assault on his Department, brought in with +him a stout stick. "When JULIUS 'ANNIBAL PICTON got up just now, and +gave a brief _resume_ of the operations in which his great ancestor +defeated FLAMINIUS and SERVILIUS at the Lake of Thrasymenus; pretty +to see how STANHOPE almost involuntarily made a pass at him with the +stick. + +"Question! Question!" cried STUART WORTLEY, from behind the SPEAKER's +chair. + +"This is the question," retorted J.A.P., "or it is at least leading +me up to it. I am about, Mr. COURTNEY, to show how, supposing the War +Office at Carthage had been managed on the same principles as those +which govern the conduct of the Right Hon. Gentleman, my illustrious +ancestor, instead of routing the enemy, would have fled from the face +of FLAMINIUS, scuttled off before SERVILIUS, and would never have +lived to vanquish VARROW at Cannes." + +"You rather had STANHOPE there," said POLTALLOCH meeting J.A.P. in +the Lobby afterwards, and shouting down at him a few words of hearty +encouragement. + +_Business done._--Another gallop through the Votes. + + * * * * * + +LADY GAY'S SELECTIONS. + +_Phantom Lodge, Ascot._ + +DEAR MR. PUNCH, + +[Illustration] + +Here I am once more at Ascot--beloved of Women and Milliners! +_Ascot_, I mean, not _myself_, as I'm thankful to say women don't +like me--Milliners don't count as women, of course, being so very +liberal-minded; and that's the advantage of being "somebody," and +having a figure--you can get all your gowns on the condition of +telling everyone (in strict confidence) who "built" them! I had a +most fatiguing day yesterday, as, after arriving, I had to show the +Baroness all my Ascot "confections," and I made the poor dear quite +jealous, which, of _course_, vexed me, as she is quite my dearest +friend! I was much gratified to see my protest against these +"glove contests" so admirably and cleverly "seconded" (I'm afraid +that's a fighting expression) by one of your wonderful Artists in +Black-and-White (black and blue it might have well been on this +occasion)--though, by the way, he must have been present himself, or +he wouldn't have seen how ashamed of his own face every man was! We +shall have the dear wretches wearing veils next, I suppose! + +On every hand I hear great complaints of the "moderate lot" +our English Three-year-olds have turned out; and the Vicomte DE +FOSSE-TERRE (a descendant of the historical QUEEN OF NAVARRE) quite +upset our dinner-party last night by claiming immense superiority +for the French horses of the same age--why should this be?--I don't +consider the French ahead of us in politeness, so why should they be +so in breeding? However, the fact remains, that no English Horse will +run in the French Derby this year! + +Lord STONEHENGE tells me we may expect the "Dissolution" very shortly, +and I'm sure the poor Members must be glad of it, for this weather +makes one long to dissolve--though I must say it seems to me an absurd +time to choose, as it will stop the Season and upset everybody's +arrangements! These things will be better managed when we get a "House +of Peeresses" at the head of affairs--and _that_ is only a question of +time, I feel sure! + +But now to glance at the Ascot Programme--it is such a lengthy and +important one, that a mere glance will be quite sufficient for me, +whereas a _man_ would study the thing for a week and then know nothing +about it! I will just mention a few horses that my readers will do +well to "keep their eye on," that is if they can--for really at Ascot +one does not pay much attention to the races--and in conclusion I +will give my "one-horse selection" for the _last_ in the Gold Cup. The +expression "one-horsed," is, I believe, generally used contemptuously, +but it must serve till I find time to think out another, which is +impossible at present, as the luncheon-gong has just sounded, and +I have visions of a lobster-salad and iced Hock-Cup! And now to +prophesy? On the "_Queen's Birthday_" a "_Sprightly_" "_Buccaneer_" +gave an "_Order_" to attack "_Harfleur_", captured the town, and at +the end of the "_Comedy_" paid the "_Bill_!" + + Yours devotedly, + LADY GAY. + +GOLD CUP TIP. + + The bloom on the leaf of a first-rate cigar + Is expressed by the trade as "Flor Fina," + But the sight, to a racing-man, finer by far + Is the bloom of the mare "_Caterina_!" + + * * * * * + +GOOD NEWS!!--"Apprehended Great Cyclone!" So ran the heading of +a paragraph in the _Daily Telegraph_ last Friday. We trust this +turbulent person once apprehended, will be sentenced and imprisoned. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. +102, JUNE 18, 1892*** + + +******* This file should be named 14745.txt or 14745.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/4/7/4/14745 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. 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