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diff --git a/14745-0.txt b/14745-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..4d87f86 --- /dev/null +++ b/14745-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1213 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14745 *** + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 14745-h.htm or 14745-h.zip: + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/4/7/4/14745/14745-h/14745-h.htm) + or + (http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/1/4/7/4/14745/14745-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 102 + +June 18, 1892 + + + + + + + +THE COURIER OF THE HAGUE. + +(_BY THE "VACUUS VIATOR."_) + +He is an elderly amiable little Dutchman in a soft felt hat; his name +is BOSCH, and he is taking me about. _Why_ I engaged him I don't quite +know--unless from a general sense of helplessness in Holland, and +a craving for any kind of companionship. Now I have got him, I feel +rather more helpless than ever--a sort of composite of _Sandford_ +and _Merton_, with a didactic, but frequently incomprehensible _Dutch +Barlow_. My _Sandford_ half would like to exhibit an intelligent +curiosity, but is generally suppressed by _Merton_, who has a morbid +horror of useful information. Not that BOSCH is remarkably erudite, +but nevertheless he contrives to reduce me to a state of imbecility, +which I catch myself noting with a pained surprise. There is a statue +in the Plein, and the _Sandford_ element in me finds a satisfaction in +recognising it aloud as WILLIAM the Silent. It is--but, as my _Merton_ +part thinks, a fellow _would_ be a fool if he didn't recognise WILLIAM +after a few hours in Holland--his images, in one form or another, +are tolerably numerous. Still, BOSCH is gratified. "Yass, dot is +ole VOLLIAM," he says, approvingly, as to a precocious infant just +beginning to take notice. "Lokeer," he says, "you see dot Apoteek?" He +indicates a chemist's shop opposite, with nothing remarkable about it +externally, except a Turk's head with his tongue out over the door. +"Yes, I, speaking for _Sandford_ and _Merton_, see it--has it some +historical interest--did VOLLIAM get medicine there, or what?" "Woll, +dis mornin dare vas two sairvans dere, and de von cot two blaces out +of de odder's haid, and afderwarts he go opstairs and vas hang himself +mit a pedbost," BOSCH evidently rather proud of this as illustrating +the liveliness of The Hague. "Was he mad?" "Yass, he vas mard, mit +a vife and seeks childrens." "No, but was he out of his senses?" "I +tink it vas oud of Omsterdam he vas com," says BOSCH. "But how did +it happen?" "Wol-sare, de broprietor vas die, and leaf de successor +de pusiness, and he dells him in von mons he will go, begause he +nod egsamin to be a Chimigal--so he do it, and dey dake him to de +hosbital, and I tink _he_ vas die too by now!" adds BOSCH, cheerfully. +Very sad affair evidently--but a little complicated. _Sandford_ would +like to get to the bottom of it, but _Merton_ convinced there is _no_ +bottom. So, between us, subject allowed to drop. _Sandford_ (now +in the ascendant again) notices, as the clever boy, inscription on +house-front, "Hier woonden GROEN VAN PRINSTERER, 1838-76." "I suppose +that means VAN PRINSTERER lived here, BOSCH?" "Yass, dot vas it." "And +who was he?" "He vas--wol, he vos a Member of de Barliaments." "Was +he celebrated?" "Celebrated? oh, yass!" "What did he _do_?" (I think +_Merton_ gets this in.) "Do?" says BOSCH, quite indignantly, "he nefer +do _nodings_!" BOSCH takes me into the Fishmarket, when he directs my +attention to a couple of very sooty live storks, who are pecking about +at the refuse. "Dose birts are shtorks; hier dey vas oblige to keep +alvays two shtorks for de arms of de Haag. Ven de yong shtorks porn, +de old vons vas kill." _Sandford_ shocked--_Merton_ sceptical. "Keel +dem? Oh, yass, do anytings mit dem ven dey vas old," says BOSCH, +and adds:--"Ve haf de breference mit de shtorks, eh?" What _is_ he +driving at? "Yass--ven _ve_ vas old, ve vas nod kill." This reminds +BOSCH--_Barlow_-like--of an anecdote. "Dere vas a vrent to me," he +begins, "he com and say to me, 'BOSCH, I am god so shtout and my bark +is so dick, I can go no more on my lacks--vat vas I do?' To him I say, +'Wol, I dell you vat I do mit you--I dake you at de booshair to be cot +op; I tink you vas make vary goot shdeak-meat!'" Wonder whether this +is a typical sample of BOSCH's _badinage_. "What did he say to that, +BOSCH?" "Oh, he vas vair moch loff, a-course!" says BOSCH, with the +natural complacency of a successful humorist. + +[Illustration: "Some story of a scandalous but infinitely humorous +nature."] + +We go into the Old Prison, and see some horrible implements of +torture, which seem to exhilarate BOSCH. "Lokeer!" he says, "Dis vas a +pinition" (BOSCH for "punishment") "mit a can. Dey lie de man down and +vasten his foots, and efery dime he was shdrook mit de can, he jomp op +and hit his vorehaid.... Hier dey lie down de beoples on de back, and +pull dis shdring queeck, and all dese tings go roundt, and preak deir +bones. Ven de pinition vas feenish you vas det." He shows where the +Water-torture was practised. "Nottice 'ow de vater vas vork a 'ole in +de tile," he chuckles. "I tink de tile vas vary hardt det, eh?" Then +he points out a pole with a spiked prong. "Tief-catcher--put'em in +de tief's nack--and ged 'im!" Before a grim-looking cauldron he halts +appreciatively. "You know vat dat vas for?" he says. "Dat vas for de +blode-foots; put 'em in dere, yass, and light de vire onderneat." +No idea what "_blode-foots_" may be, but from the relish in BOSCH's +tone, evidently something very unpleasant, so don't press him for +explanations. We go upstairs, and see some dark and very mouldy +dungeons, which BOSCH is most anxious that I should enter. Make him go +in _first_, for the surroundings seem to have excited his sense of the +humorous to such a degree, that he might be unable to resist locking +me in, and leaving me, if I gave him a chance. + +Outside at last, thank goodness! The Groote Kerk, according to BOSCH, +"is not vort de see," so we don't see it. _Sandford_ has a sneaking +impression that I ought to go in, but _Merton_ glad to be let off. +We go to see the pictures at the Mauritshuis instead. BOSCH exchanges +greetings with the attendants in Dutch. "Got _another_ of 'em +in tow, you see--and collar-work, _I_ can tell you!" would be a +free translation, I suspect, of his remarks. Must say that, in a +Picture-gallery, BOSCH is a superfluous luxury. He _does_ take my +ignorance just a trifle too much for granted. He _might_ give me +credit for knowing the story of ADAM and EVE, at all events! "De +Sairpan gif EVA de opple, an' EVA she gif him to ADAM," BOSCH +carefully informs me, before a "_Paradise_," by RUBENS and BRUEGHEL. +This rouses my _Merton_ half to inquire what ADAM did with it. "Oh, +_he_ ead him too!" says BOSCH in perfect good faith. I do wish, +too, he wouldn't lead me up to PAUL POTTER's "_Bull_," and ask me +enthusiastically if it isn't "real meat." I shouldn't mind it so much +if there were not several English people about, without couriers--but +there _are_. My only revenge is (as _Merton_) to carefully pick out +the unsigned canvases and ask BOSCH who painted them; whereupon, BOSCH +endeavours furtively to make out the label on the frames, and then +informs me in desperation, "it was '_School_.'--yass, _he_ baint +him!" BOSCH kindly explains the subject of every picture in detail. +He tells me a DROOCHSLOOT represents a "balsham pedder." I suppose +I look bewildered, for he adds--"oppen air tance mit a village." +"Hier dey vas haf a tispute; dis man say de ham vas more value as de +cheese--dere is de cheese, and dere is the ham." "Hier is an old man +dot marry a yong vife, and two tevils com in, and de old man he ron +avay." "Hier he dress him in voman, and de vife is vrighten." "Hier is +JAN STEEN himself as a medicine, and he veel de yong voman's polse and +say dere is nodings de madder, and de modder ask him to trink a glass +of vine." "Hier is de beach at Skavening--now dey puild houses on +de dunes--bot de beach is schdill dere." Such are BOSCH's valuable +and instructive comments, to which, as representing _Sandford_ and +_Merton_, I listen with depressed docility. All the same, can't help +coming to the conclusion that Art is _not_ BOSCH's strong point. +Shall come here again--alone. We go on to the Municipal Museum, where +he shows me what _he_ considers the treasures of the collection--a +glass goblet, engraved "mit dails of tobaggo bipes," and the pipes +themselves; a painting of a rose "mit ade beople's faces in de leafs;" +and a drawing of "two pirts mit only von foots." + +Outside again. BOSCH shows me a house. "Lokeer. In dot house leef an +oldt lady all mit herself and ade sairvans. She com from Friesland, +yassir." Really, I think BOSCH is going to be interesting--at last. +There is a sly twinkle in his eye, denoting some story of a scandalous +but infinitely humorous nature. "Well, BOSCH, go on--what about the +old lady?" I ask, eagerly, as _Merton_. "Wol, Sir," says BOSCH, "she +nefer go noveres." ... That's _all_! "A devilish interesting story, +_Sumph_, indeed!" to quote _Mr. Wagg_. + +But, as BOSCH frequently reminds me, "It vas pedder, you see, as a +schendlemans like you go apout mit me; I dell you tings dot vas nod in +de guide-books." Which I am not in a position to deny. + + * * * * * + +BY ONE OF THE UNEMPLOYED.--"It is a curious fact," wrote the Recording +Angel, a very superior sort of person to "the Printer's Devil," on +the _Daily Telegraph_, "that in Greater London last week the births +registered were just one more than twice the number of deaths. Thus +grows the population in this great Babylon." Very appropriate, in +this instance, is the title of "Great Baby-lon." If you put it down +an "e," my Lord, and spell it "berths," then these are by no means in +proportion to the unemployed youth in search of them. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DISSOLUTION--(AS THE ENEMY OF THE LONDON SEASON).] + + There was a sound of revelry by day, + And England's Capital had gathered then, + Her Beauty and her Masherdom, and gay + Spring's sun shone o'er smart women and swell men; + A thousand shops shone showily; and when + MAY came to Mayfair, FLORA to Pall-Mall, + Shrewd eyes winked hope to eyes which winked again, + And maids heard sounds as of the marriage-bell. + But hush! hark! a harsh sound strikes like a sudden knell! + + Did ye not hear it? Is it howling wind? + The tram-car rattling o'er the stony street? + The groans of M.P.'s wearily confined + To the dull House when night and morning meet, + Dragged to Divisions drear with dawdling feet? + + No, hark! that heavy sound breaks in once more, + The street, the hall its echoes now repeat, + And nearer, clearer, deadlier than before! + Arm! Arm! it is--it is--the Elections' opening roar! + + 'Tis in our midst--that figure draped and dim, + Whose mocking music makes us all afraid. + "Death as the Foe!" Can it indeed be _Him_? + Duller, more dirge-like tune was never played + On strings more spirit-chilling. Feet are stayed + Though in mid-waltz, and laughter, though at height, + Hushes, and maidens modishly arrayed + For matrimonial conquest, shrink with fright; + And Fashion palsied sits, and Shopdom takes to flight. + + Ah! then and there are hurryings to and fro + And gathering tears, and poutings of distress, + And cheeks all pale, which some short hours ago + Glowed with the deep delights of Dance and Dress; + And there are sudden partings, such as press + The hope from Spoons of promise, meaning sighs + Which ne'er may be repeated; who can guess + If ever more shall meet those mutual eyes, + When Dissolution snaps the Season's tenderest ties? + + And there is scuttling in hot haste: the steed, + The Coaching Meet, the Opera's latest star, + The Row, the River, the Vitellian feed,-- + All the munitions of the Social War, + Seem fruitless now, when peal on peal afar + And near, the beat of the great Party Drum + Rouses M.P.'s to platform joust and jar, + While tongue-tied dullards scarcely dare be dumb, + When the Whips whisper "Go!" Wirepullers clamour "Come!" + + "Too bad! Too bad!" The Influenza chilled, + Court-mourning marred, the Season's earliest prime, + And now, just as with hope young breasts are filled, + When young leaves still are verdant on the lime, + When diners-out are having a good time, + When Epsom's o'er and Ascot is at hand; + To cut all short, is scarcely less than crime. + Confusion on that wrangling party-band + Whose Dissolution deals the doldrums round the land! + + Ah! wild and high those Phantom-fiddlings rise!-- + All jocund June with palsying terror thrills; + Fashion sits frozen dead with staring eyes. + How that dread dirge the ambient Summer fills + Savage and shrill! Smart frocks, soft snowy frills, + Long trains which dancing Beauty deftly steers. + Through waltzes wild or devious quadrilles,-- + All vanish; bosoms white, beset with fears; + Beat flight as that fell strain falls harsh on Beauty's ears. + + And June yet waves above them her green leaves, + Dewy with Springtide's night-drops as they pass + Grieving,--if aught that's modish ever grieves,-- + Over the unreturning chance. Alas! + Their hopes are all cut down ere falls the grass. + That with corn-harvest might have seen full blow. + See how foiled Shopdom flies, a huddled mass + Of disappointment, hurrying from the foe, + Who all their Season's prospects shatters, and lays low. + + Last month beheld them full of lusty life. + Beauty, and Wealth, and Pleasure, proudly gay; + This music brings the signal-sound of strife, + This month the marshalling to arms. Away! + Party's magnificently sham array + The muster of Mode's mob will soon have rent. + Play on, O Phantom, ominously play! + Death as the Foe! They fly before thee, blent, + Maid, Matron, Masher, Mime, in general discontent! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE DARWINIAN THEORY--VARIATION FROM ENVIRONMENT. + +"KNOCKED 'EM IN THE OLD KENT KOAD!" + +"ATTRACTED ALL EYES AT CHURCH PARADE."] + + * * * * * + +ADVICE GRATIS. + +DEBT.--"SIMPLE SIMON" writes: "A man owes me money which he cannot +pay. He lives in furnished lodgings, and has given me a Bill of Sale +on the furniture. Is this sufficient security? He also offers to +insure his life for £200 if I will advance him £100, which will be +the cost of the first premium, which he says is always heavy. I am +disposed to close with this offer. Am I prudent?"--Prudent is hardly +the word to describe you. We should not in your position make the +advance mentioned. A retreat would be much better tactics. We fancy, +from your description, that your friend would do well as a Company +Promoter. + +STOCK-DEALING TRANSACTIONS.--"Will you advise me under the following +circumstances?" asks "CHEERFUL SOUL," on a post-card. "I placed £50 +with an Outside Broker as a speculation for the rise in Cashville and +Toothpeka First Preference. Yesterday I received a note to say I had +lost my money, as 'cover had run off.' On repairing to the Broker's +Office, I was surprised to find it apparently deserted. What is my +remedy?"--We should imagine that the Broker had "run off" too. Your +remedy is--not to speculate again. "Flutters" lead to the Gutters. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE EXPRESSED OTHERWISE. + +_Married Vicar_, "WELL, MY BISHOP WAS VERY PARTICULAR WITH _ME_. AMONG +OTHER THINGS, HE ASKED ME, BEFORE PRESENTING ME, _WHETHER MY WIFE WAS +A LADY_!" + +_His Curate_ (_reflectively_). "I CAN _QUITE_ UNDERSTAND _THAT_!"] + + * * * * * + +THE WAY THEY HAVE IN THE ARMY. + +(_A CONVERSATION--PURELY IMAGINARY._) + + SCENE--_Pall Mall. Present, SECRETARY OF STATE and Military + Adviser._ + +_Mil. A._ I want to know your ideas about the Autumn Manoeuvres. Are +we to have any this year? + +_Sec. of S._ (_with a melancholy smile_). That depends upon +circumstances not entirely under my control. + +_Mil. A._ Oh, yes; I know. But Governments may come and Governments +may go, but the State flows on for ever. Whatever _you_ commence +_they_ will have to carry out. + +_Sec. of S._ Can we have these Manoeuvres without expense? + +_Mil. A._ Well, scarcely. For instance, there is the ammunition. + +_Sec. of S._ Oh, we can get over that! Every soldier, when he is +supposed to fire, can say, "Bang!" or words to that effect. We might +add the direction to the new Provisional Drill-Book. + +_Mil. A._ (_drily_). Yes, you might; and it would prove about as +useful as the other regulations in that remarkable volume! Well, +suppose the difficulty of ammunition surmounted, what next? + +_Sec. of S._ Well, I suppose we shall have to spend some money on the +farmers for rights of way and the rest of it? + +_Mil. A._ I suppose so, if you want the troops to move over an +unfamiliar country. + +_Sec. of S._ But I am not sure I do. Why shouldn't they learn how to +defend Aldershot? Then it would cost nothing. What next? + +_Mil. A._ Well, there will be the Commissariat expenses. + +_Sec. of S._ Suppose food costs the same in most places. Besides, +isn't TOMMY ATKINS supposed to purchase his own victuals? + +_Mil. A._ Yes, theoretically I suppose he is; but practically he-- + +_Sec. of S._ Oh, bother practice! Of course he must, somehow; he must +pay for the Commissariat out of his own pocket. + +_Mil. A._ Well, then there is the question of transport. Of course, +many regiments have their own waggons and carts, but for a special +occasion I think it would be advisable if-- + +_Sec. of S._ (_interrupting_). What nonsense! Why, of course we will +make them all walk. It will do them a world of good! + +_Mil. A._ Well, as we want to bring some from Scotland, it will +distinctly be a long walk--a very long walk indeed! + +_Sec. of S._ (_heartily_). So much the better--so much the better! + +_Mil. A._ (_sarcastically_). I fancy you will have to pay a large bill +in shoe-leather! + +_Sec. of S._ (_aghast_). So we shall! Oh, bother the Manoeuvres just +now! The fact is, I have to think of other things! + + [_Scene closes in upon Secretary thinking of other things._ + + * * * * * + +STUDIES IN THE NEW POETRY. + +NO. II. + +MR. PUNCH's first example of the New Poetry was, it may be remembered, +in the rhymed, irregular style. It is not a difficult style. The +lines may be long or short; some may groan under an accumulation of +words, while others consist of merely two or three--a most unfair +distribution. The style of the following specimen, (also by Mr. +H-NL-Y) is, however, even easier to manage. There are no rhymes and +very few restrictions. The lines are very short, and a few words, +therefore, go a very long way, which is always a consideration, even +if you don't happen to be paid by the column. This style is very +fierce and bloodthirsty and terrible. Timid people are, therefore, +advised, for the sake of their nerves, not to read any farther. + +THE SONG OF THE POKER. + +[Illustration] + + The Poker, + Clanging. + I am the Poker the straight and the strong, + Prone in the fire grate, + Black at the nether end, + Knobby and nebulous. + + Fashioned for fight + In the Pit Acherontic: + Many have grappled me, + Poised me and thrust me + Into the glowing, + The flashing and furious + Heart of the fire. + Raked with me, prized with me, + Till on a sudden + Besparked and encircled + With Welsh or with Wallsend, + Shattering, battering + They drew me away. + Others in rivalry, + Thinking to better + The previous performance, + Seized me again; + Pushed with a leverage + Hard on the haft of me, + Till with the shocks + Sank the red fire, + Shivered and sank + Subdued into blackness. + That is my Toil; + I am the Poker. + + Oh, and the burglar's head + Often hath felt me, + Hard, undesirable + Cracker of craniums. + I have drunk of the blood, + The red blood, the life-blood + Of the wife of the drunkard. + Hoh! then, the glory. + The joyous, ineffable + Cup of fulfilment, + When the policeman, + Tall with a bull's-eye, + Took me and shook me, + Produced me in evidence, + There in the dim + Unappeasable grisliness + Of the Police-Court. + Women to shrink at me, + Men to be cursed with me, + Bloodstained, contemptuous, + Laid on the table. + I am the Minister, + Azrael's Minister. + I am the Poker. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: VENUS (ANNO DOMINI 1892) RISES FROM THE SEA!!] + + * * * * * + +OPERATIC NOTES. + +_Wednesday_.--Great German Night. Third Part of the Festival Play for +Four Nights by RICHARD WAGNER, with (thank goodness just to lighten +it) an English translation by the Messrs. CORDER. + +"_Sursum Corder!_" A light and airy work as everyone knows is _Der +Ring des Nibelungen_, or _The Nibelung's Ring_, requiring all the +power of lungs to get the true ring out of the work. Hard work for +singers, more so for orchestra, and most so for audience. As for the +"Ring," there are a lot of animals in the Opera, but no horse, so the +Circus entertainment is not complete until _Brünnhilde_ shall appear +in the next part of the tetralogy, with her highly-trained steed. +Odd! Throughout two long (and, ahem! somewhat weary, eh?) Acts, not +a female singer visible on stage (though one sings "like a bird" off +it,--that is, quite appropriately, "at the wings"), and not until the +Third Act, does _Erda_ the witch "rise from below," and we all saw +her and 'Erd 'er. Then, later on, appears _Brünnhilde_, asleep, "in +a complete suit of gleaming plate-armour, with helmet on her head and +long shield over her body," a style of free-and-easy costume which, as +everyone knows, is highly conducive to sleeping in perfect comfort. +No wonder _Siegfried_ mistakes her for a man-in-armour out of the Lord +Mayor's Show, and exclaims, + +[Illustration: Scenes in the Ring. Sir Alvary Siegfried, with Nothung +on, as Master of "the Ring," gives a Special Entertainment.] + + "Ha, a Warrior, sure! + I scan with wonder his form!" + +(I was scanning with wonder the verses,--but _passons!_)--he +continues:-- + + "His haughty head + Is pressed by the helm!" + +This at first sight looks nautical; and therefore his next question +is, "Can I speak to the man at the wheel?" He decides that, as the +sleeping warrior "heaveth his breast," and "is heavily breathing," it +will be a humane act to give him a little air,--[which is done in the +orchestra whatever air there is],--and then _Siegfried_ asks himself +if it won't be as well, or "better, to open his byrnie?" Those among +the audience who have been carefully reading the translation up to +this point, here look up and closely watch _Siegfried's_ proceedings, +being evidently uncertain as to what "his byrnie" may be. Some clever +person in Stalls observes that up to now, he has always thought that +"'byrnie' was the affectionate diminutive for a mountain 'byrne' in +Scotland." Which clever person had evidently much to learn. However +the effect of the operation for "byrnie" (which ought to have been +performed by Dr. BYRNIE YEO, ever ready to rescue a fellow-creature +in distress) is to show that the supposed Knight is a Lady. Whereupon +_Siegfried_ with "surprise and astonishment starts back" exclaiming:-- + +"This is no man! Burning enchantment"--he meant "Byrnieing"--"charges +my heart;"--(what charge does a heart make in these +circumstances?)--"fiery awe falls on my eyesight;" (bad symptoms +these!)--"My senses stagger and sway,"--So _he_ swaggers and stays. + +It is some time before he can pull himself together, and then the +"Bewitched Maiden" awakes and addresses him bewitchingly. This causes +him to be taken with a fit of "exalted rapture," while the lady, on +her part, cannot help being "deeply stirred." + +After a mad wooing, she laughs in a "wild transport of passion," calls +him a "high-minded boy," likewise "a blossoming hero," also "a babe of +prowess;" all which epithets, styles and titles, are in quite the vein +of _Falstaff_ addressing _Prince Hal_. Then, in return, _Siegfried_ +can hit on no better compliment than to style her "a Sun" and "a +Star." Having thus exhausted their joint-stock of complimentary +endearments, they throw themselves into each other's arms. On which +situation the Curtain discreetly falls. + +[Illustration: Sir Druriolanus Wagnerensis offering the Tea-tray-logy +to his Patrons.] + +All very fine and large, of course. Orchestra splendid. _Siegfried_ +and _Brünnhilde_ recalled four times. Everybody, including Mr. MAHLER +the Conductor, and Sir AUGUSTUS WAGNERENSIS, called before Curtain. +Madame ROSA SUCHER had her evening all to herself, to go wherever she +liked, as she had only to drop in at the Opera at 11 P.M., don her +armour in which to appear before the public at midnight, sing a +few solos, join in a duet, and be off the stage again by 12:30 A.M. +punctually. + +The English translation will repay perusal. There are in it some +really choice morsels. This subject must be considered at the earliest +operatunity. + +The Singing Dragon is delightful throughout, and his death as tragic +as anything in _Pyramis_ and _Thisbe_ as played by _Bottom the Weaver +& Co_, _Limited_. + +_Saturday_.--Production of the Illustrious ISIDORE DE LARA's _Light +of Asia_. So the operatic day, that is Saturde-ay, finishes with +generally-expressed opinion that this Opera is a + + "DE-LA-RA-Boom-de-ay!" + +Everything scenically and stage-managerially that could be done to +make _The Light of Asia_ brilliant, Sir DRURIOLANUS has done; but, +after a first hearing, it strikes me that, regarded as a work for the +stage, it is a mere _Night-light of Asia_, which, like _Macbeth's_ +"brief candle," will go "out," and "then be heard no more." If, +however, it be relegated to the concert-hall, as a Cantata, _The +Light of Asia_ may appear lighter than it does on the boards of Covent +Garden, where, intended to be a dramatic Opera, it only recalls to me +the title of one of RUDYARD KIPLING's stories, viz., _The Light that +Failed_. + + * * * * * + +A SUTTON THOUGHT.--Mr. CHAMBERLAIN can now allude to Lord ROSEBERY as +"a Sutton person of his acquaintance." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS. + +_Unfashionable Mother._ "WHAT A SWEET CHILD! HOW OLD IS SHE?" + +_Fashionable Mother._ "WELL, REALLY, IF YOU ARE GOING TO ASK _THAT_ +SORT OF QUESTION, I'D BETTER SEND FOR THE NURSE!"] + + * * * * * + +AN OLD SONG REVIVED. + + (_As sung by the Champion Ulster "Comique," Colonel S-nd-rs-n, + to the old tune of "De Groves of de Pool," written by "honest + Dick Millikin."_) + + Whillaloo! If they droive us to foighting, + 'Tis ourselves who will lead 'em a dance, + Till, loike the Cork bhoys, they're deloighting, + _Back again_ to their homes to _advance_! + No longer in beating such rebels + We'll take than in baiting a bull. + How they'll squake, in effeminate trebles, + When Ulster's battalions are full! + Ri fol didder rol didder rol! + + _We_ trate 'em as loving relations? + _We_ trust to the "Union of Hearts"? + _We_ heed the Grand Old One's orations? + _We_ play the Minority's parts? + _We_ bow to the yoke of TIM HEALY? + _We_ stoop to the Papisthry rule? + Faix! them who imagine it really + Must fancy that "Orange" spells "fool." + Ri fol didder rol didder rol! + + _We_ consint to a sham House o' Commons + Established on ould College Green? + They fancy we're Radical rum 'uns! + Allaygiance we owe to our QUEEN! + But we're fly to _their_ thraitorous dodges; + Our loyalty's edge would they dull? + Fwit! We'll pour like a flood from our Lodges, + And crack every "National" skull! + Ri fol didder rol didder rol! + + We're all friends of Law and of Order, + But would they wrench _us_ from the Crown? + We'll soon be a-singing "_Boyne Water_," + And marching to "_Croppies, lie down!_" + 'Tis we have the Men and the Money, + We don't _want_ to foight, we're quite cool. + But, by Jingo, our foes will look funny, + When Ulster turns out 'gin Home Rule! + Ri fol didder rol didder rol! + + To-day in our myriads we muster. + Friendly _warning_ is all that _we_ mean. + About SOLLY's "incitement" Rads fluster; + We're thrue to the Crown and the QUEEN: + But Ulster no "pathriot" shall sever, + And Ulster no "Papish" shall school. + Whillaloo! Here's the Union for ever, + And into the Boyne wid Home Rule! + Ri fol didder rol didder rol! + + Och! Here's to Dutch WILLIAM the Pious! + And here's to VICTORIA the Good! + If they think we _won't_ foight, let 'em try us! + They mock at an Orangeman's mood, + But once set the Green 'gainst the Yellow, + (Wid no one our coat-tails to pull,) + And I pity the pathriots who bellow + (Like bhoys in a bog) for Home Rule! + Ri fol didder rol didder rol! + + Come, all loyal props of the nation, + Come fill up a bumper all round! + Drink success to our great federation; + With Brummy JOE's blessing 'tis crowned. + _He_ says we are heroes, right stingo, + _He_ vows W.G.'s an old fool. + No, we _don't_ want to fight, but, by Jingo, + Whin we _do_--it's all up wid Home Rule! + Ri fol didder rol didder rol! + [_Left "bombinating."_ + + * * * * * + +A BACHELOR'S GROWL. + + Oh, the beautiful women, the women of ancient days, + The ripe and the red, who are done and dead, + With never a word of praise; + The rich, round SALLIES and SUSANS, the POLLIES and JOANS and PRUES, + Who guarded their fame, and saw no shame + In walking in low-heeled shoes. + + They never shrieked on a platform; they never desired a vote; + They sat in a row and liked things slow, + While they knitted or patched a coat. + They lived with nothing of Latin, and a jolly sight less of Greek, + And made up their books, and changed their cooks + On an average once a week. + + They never ventured in hansoms, nor climbed to the topmost 'bus, + Nor talked with a twang in the latest slang; + They left these fashions to us. + But, ah, she was sweet and pleasant, though possibly not well-read, + The excellent wife who cheered your life, + And vanished at ten to bed. + + And it's oh the pity, the pity that time should ever annul + The wearers of skirts who mended shirts, + And never thought nurseries dull. + For everything's topsy-turvy now, the men are bedded at ten, + While the women sit up, and smoke and sup + In the Club of the Chickless Hen. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AN OLD SONG REVIVED. + +COLONEL S-ND-RS-N _(the Irish "Lion Comique") sings_-- + + "WE DON'T WANT TO FIGHT, + BUT, BY JINGO, IF WE DO, ----"] + + * * * * * + +THE USEFUL CRICKETER. + +(_A CANDID VETERAN'S CONFESSION._) + +[Illustration] + + I am rather a "pootlesome" bat-- + I seldom, indeed, make a run; + But I'm rather the gainer by that, + For it's bad to work hard in the sun. + + As a "field" I am not worth a jot, + And no one expects me to be; + My run is an adipose trot, + My "chances" I never can see. + + I am never invited to bowl, + And though, p'raps, this seems like a slight + In the depths of my innermost soul + I've a notion the Captain is right. + + In short, I may freely admit + I am not what you'd call a great catch; + But yet my initials are writ + In the book against every match! + + For although--ay, and there is the rub-- + I am forty and running to fat, + I have made it all right with the Club, + By presenting an Average Bat! + + * * * * * + +PRIVATE REFLECTIONS OF THE PUBLIC ORATOR AT CAMBRIDGE. + +(_AS RECORDED BY MR. PUNCH'S PATENT PHONOGRAPH._) + +Deadly business, this Latin joking. One speech is bad enough, but +fifteen are absolutely crushing. Still it must be done. Shade of +CICERO, befriend me! Here goes:-- + +"What on earth can I say about the DUKE OF EDINBURGH? Mustn't offend +these blessed Royalties. Am told they never take kindly to jokes. +Let me see, he served on the _Euryalus_ (query? ought I to bring in +_Nisus_). Travelled a great deal--_multorum vidit et urbes_. _Mem._ +Work this up. By the way, ALFRED's his name. Bring in ALFRED and the +cakes. ALFRED thrashed Danes. PRINCE OF WALES married a Dane. To be +worked up. Sailor-Prince: _mem._ _O navis referent, etc._ See also +VIRGIL's description of storm. Prince plays fiddle. Might say that +VIRGIL was poet _quem vicina Cremonæ Mantua genuit_. Did this, years +ago, for old JOACHIM, but can use it again. Never mind the _væ nimium +miseræ vicina Cremonæ_. Prince won't know about that. What's the best +Latin for Admiral? Daughter betrothed to Crown PRINCE OF ROUMANIA. Can +get in Roman legionaries. Ripping!! + +"NORTHBROOK's fairly easy. Oxford man. Mustn't mention he only got +Second Class. Never mind, India will pull me through. Conquests of +ALEXANDER, and all that sort of thing. Must look up RUDYARD KIPLING +for latest tips. Dusky brothers (Query, _sub-fusci fratres?_) good +Academical joke this; sure to fetch the VICE-CHANCELLOR. Pity the +CHANCELLOR's so poor in Latin. + +"CRANBROOK next. Bother all these brooks! He's a Viscount (_Vice-Comes_ +DE CRANBROOK). Lord President of Council; looks after education. +That'll do it. Who's this fool that has sent a post-card asking me to +say something about _Educatio libera_? _Num est tuus servus canis ut +hanc rem faciat?_ + +"HENRY JAMES. Dear me! No University education. Must refer to CICERO +as a barrister. _Solicitor Generalis_ doesn't sound right somehow. +Refused to be Lord Chancellor. _Mem._ Get good joking Latin for +Woolsack. Factory and Workshops Act must see me through. + +"JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN. Hard nut to crack. Can't say I like him myself. +_Birminghamiæ decus; civium consensu ter_--What the dickens is +Mayor in Latin? Did anybody make screws in ancient Rome? _Mem._ Work +up orchids and eyeglass. _Una cum Cancellario nostro seni grandi +restitit._ Absolutely no literary distinction. Still, he's got a son +who was a Cambridge man. Must get in a sly dig at OSCAR BROWNING and +East Worcestershire. Something about old-age pensions. Bah, I hate the +job! + +"JOHN MORLEY. Humph! Delicate ground. Home Rule's got to be skimmed +over. Only consistent Home-Ruler of the lot (_sibi constat_). Books +by the dozen (_lucidus ordo, etc._). French Revolution (_res novæ_). +Ardent reformer (_res renovanda radicitus_). Ought to drag in +_impiger, iracundus, inexorabilis acer_. Better not, on second +thoughts. + +"That's enough for one morning. Polish off the rest to-morrow. +_Mem._ WEBSTER won two miles against Oxford (_duo millia passuum; +Oxoniensibus triumphatus_, and a few japes about Isthmian games. Must +fetch them). Remember to give ROBY one or two for himself over his +Latin grammar. Mostly wrong. He'd better stick to making reels of +cotton. SEELEY and the others can wait." + + * * * * * + +MR. HARDUP lately came into a large fortune, and changed his name to +SKATTERKASH. He has started a coach, and drives four duns. "The duns +used always to be after me," says he; "now I've got 'em before me. +It's a pleasant reminder of unpleasant times." + + * * * * * + +KENSINGTON GARDENS. + +(_IN THE SUMMER EVENINGS, AFTER EIGHT._) + +_As they are, always._--Closed. Within, a solitary policeman, moping. +Without, the jaded citizens, gasping on a dusty road, and gazing +through the iron railings at the cool groves within. A mile away, or +nearer, some military bands (paid--by whom?--no matter--ultimately by +tax-payers, who don't get much for their money), bored to death for +lack of work, and any number of charitable institutions spending half +their funds in advertising for more. + +_As they might be, sometimes._--Open. At the gate energetic policemen +taking the shillings of eager citizens who crowd in to sit and smoke +in the cool groves, lighted by inexpensive Chinese lanterns, and to +listen to the music of the military bands, now alert, cheerful and +occupied. Scattered through the cool groves a few energetic, but +unobtrusive, policemen, seeing that everyone behaves as quietly as at +the Fisheries or the Healtheries. And (the next morning) any number +of charitable institutions receiving the shillings thus virtuously and +profitably spent. + + * * * * * + +SYLLOGISMS OF THE STUMP. + +(_SELECTED--AND CONDENSED--FROM RECENT PLATFORM "ARGUMENTS."_) + +There is no principle, no precedent, no reason why, if the majority +desire anything, a Legislative sanction should not be given to their +decision. + +The majority in Ireland desire Home Rule. + +Therefore, it would be an outrage to the minority to give Legislative +sanction to that desire. + +[Illustration: Going to the Country with a Cry.] + + * * * * * + +The influence of Women in politics must be elevating and refining. + +That influence can be most effectively and legitimately exercised by +and through possession of the Electoral Franchise. + +Therefore it would unsex and degrade women to give them the +Parliamentary vote. + + * * * * * + +It is useless to receive a deputation (say, upon Eight Hours' Day +legislation) unless you "mean business" in that matter. + +_I_ do not mean business in that matter--at present. + +Therefore I shall be delighted to receive the deputation. + + * * * * * + +Liberal Legislation is bad for the country. + +The present Government has successfully accomplished more Liberal +Legislation than any of its predecessors. + +Therefore the country should vote for the present Government. + + * * * * * + +The Gladstone Government of 1880 made many serious mistakes. + +_I_ was a leading Member of that Government. + +Therefore you cannot go wrong in following me now. + + * * * * * + +Mr. C. made a slashing attack on Lord R., and addressed to him certain +awkward questions and posing arguments to which he is bound to attempt +an answer. + +Lord R. made a dashing rejoinder to Mr. C., and devoted the whole of +his speech to answering Mr. C.'s questions and arguments. + +Therefore Lord R. showed bad taste and temper, and wasted his own time +and the public's. + + * * * * * + +I have altered my opinion of many men since 1885. + +Many men have altered their opinion of _me_ since that same date. + +Therefore they are either fickle fools or idolatrous items. + + * * * * * + +I followed my Leader until 1881. + +Some follow him still. + +Therefore either they don't know what they do, or don't mean what they +say. + + * * * * * + +If any logical-minded reader should object that these so-called +syllogisms are not really syllogisms at all, we should agree with +him. But then they are not only the brief and formal expression of +long-winded so-called arguments, which are not really arguments at +all, but which, veiled in floods of verbiage, are duly presented to +the public, from platform and Press, as though they really were so. +_Moral_:--The clear analysis of stump-oratory generally takes the form +of a _reductio ad absurdum_. + + * * * * * + +MUTUAL ADVERTISEMENT BY THE COURT JESTER.--At the Shaftesbury Theatre +is announced _A Play in Little_. At the Court they might announce a +LITTLE in a Play. [N.B.--For explanation see Cast under Clock.] Just +now, very little in any play. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A DISTINCTION WITH A DIFFERENCE. + +_Mistress_ (_to applicant for situation, who has been dismissed, from +her last place_). "SO YOU'VE JUST LEFT? DIDN'T YOUR SITUATION SUIT +YOU?" + +_Martha._ "OH YES, 'M. SITUATION SOOTED ME VERY WELL. IT WAS ME, MUM, +AS DIDN'T SOOT THE SITUATION!"] + + * * * * * + +FROM A LAHORE PAPER.--"_Punch_," the writer ought to have said "_Mr. +Punch_,"--"possesses a battery of guns, and maintains a standing army +of 1,200 men." Quite correct. Wonderful how they get the news out +there. The guns fire a hundred jokes per minute; all killing ones. The +standing army do the thing well, and will stand anything (well-iced) +to all friends within reasonable limits, under command of _Mr. Punch_, +President. + + * * * * * + +VERY NATURAL.--Mrs. BROWN POTTER, tired of playing a Hero, is now +coming out as a Heroine before the Chaff'dsbury Theatre is shut up. + + * * * * * + +_ROD and RIVER_ is the title of a useful book about fly-fishing (it +only needs "fly-leaves" for notes to make it perfect), written by a +Major bearing the appropriate name of FISHER. One note he might append +for the benefit of intending Etonians, that those who, not having +"passed" their swimming examination, venture to go on the "river", are +in danger of the "rod." + + * * * * * + +MRS. RAM was told that Mr. JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN is a giant in intellect. +She said, "I don't know much about intellect, but he must be a very +big giant to carry an orchard in his buttonhole." + + * * * * * + +ODONT.! + +(_AN ODE TO THE MODERN FLORA._) + + Oh, Flora, fair Goddess of Flowers, skies brighten, the gardens + are glowing, + And lo! 'tis the season of Flower Shows, when everything seems + "All-a-blowing!" + And what the dickens you've been up to with the dictionary, I'm + dashed if there's any possibility of knowing. + + Talk about "Volapück." Why, it isn't a circumstance compared with + the floral goddess's crack-jaw. + I've been trying to read the account of a Flower Show to my wife. + Now, at patter-songs I've a slick tongue and slack jaw. + I can do "_John Wellington Wells_" pretty patly; but to read + through a horticultural article + Would give an alligator instantaneous tetanus; and of _meaning_ + the words seem to have no particle. + I should like to be introduced, in its Bornean home, to the + glorious plant called Cælo Dyana. + But fancy a footman having to announce Madame SPATHOGLOTTIS + KIMBALLIANA! + Odont. Uro-Skinneri _sounds_ like something medical and epidermic, + but then we're informed that its sepals and petals + Are "reticulated in tender brown and broad rosy-mauve," which + immediately sends one "off the metals." + The Masdevallias may be a respectable family, though _I_ should + not care to marry into it, + But "the hybrid M. Mundyana representing M. Veitchii × M. Ignea" + (though "a wonderfully glowing orange" by all accounts), + sounds so exceedingly mixed and mongrel that I'd certainly + eschew it. + "A noble Catt: Gigas" _sounds_ rather aristocratic: "Catt: + Jacomb," I suppose, is a sort of a relative; + But Od. Citrosmum, sounds awfully odd, and is not _my_ notion of a + reassuring appellative. + And what _are_ you to make of Odont. crisp. Sanderæ, which, + whomsoever "Sanderæ" may be, _I_ don't want to "crisp" + him; + "A sport of nature unequalled" they call him, and no doubt his + _name_ is, for I can neither clearly articulate, stutter + or lisp him. + I've not a doubt that, whoever he is, he is probably liked and + considered by some a gem. + Gyp. Chamberlainianum has a political sound, and has a strong + savour of a floral Brummagem. + + And then comes "Odont. vex. Bleui splendidissimum," which sounds + like an appeal for "_Two Lovely Blue Eyes_." + But if it means something entirely different, I shall hear it + without the smallest surprise. + In fact, looking further, I find, it's "an artificial hybrid from + Odont. vexillarium × Odont. Roezlii." That's a staggerer. + But Dend. phalænopsis Schroderæ Dellense is a still bigger + horticultural swaggerer. + O. Coradenei! likewise O. Crispum! I only wish that your + Godmother, Flora, + Would insist upon shorter and more intelligible names for her + modern offspring. By bright Aurora, + I can't go on worshipping at your floral shrine if the ritual is + polyglot gibberish, and what's more, I won't, Ma'am. + In the word (queerly spelt) of which you seem very fond, I + earnestly say, Flower Goddess, Odont. Ma'am!!! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE RACE FOR THE COUNTRY. WAITING FOR THE SIGNAL. + +(_By Our Americanised Artist._)] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +[Illustration: "Standing at Bar."] + +_Thursday, June 9._--The great strength of the Liberal Party lies in +its illimitable resources of Leadership. When in ordinary times Mr. G. +is away, there is either the SQUIRE OF MALWOOD or JOHN MORLEY to take +his place. Now, in these last days of dying Parliament, the Squire +follows Mr. G.'s leadership even to extent of stopping away from +House. JOHN MORLEY been here for short while to-night, but as soon as +he saw House comfortably in Committee he, too, departed. Seemed as +if Opposition, thus deserted, would stagger blindly on till it fell +in some ditch. At critical moment BOBBY SPENCER quietly appeared +on scene; naturally and irresistibly dropped into seat of Mr. G. on +otherwise almost empty front Bench. No sounding of drums or braying of +trumpets. BOBBY quietly walks up, brushing past ATHERLY JONES standing +at the Bar, and takes his proper place. + +[Illustration: "Question! Question!"] + +Effect upon House instant and soothing. Prince ARTHUR looks up +relieved. No one more interested in presence of strong hand on the +rein of Opposition than the Leader of the House. Business immediately +settles down to even and rapid pace. It is generally understood that +BOBBY is desirous that the Government shall have every assistance +given them in disposing of the remaining business. ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS +shows himself a little restive. Here is a great opportunity fleeting +past; vote after vote put from Chair agreed to almost as rapidly as it +can be recited. After half-a-dozen have been galloped through, ALPHEUS +CLEOPHAS moves uneasily in his seat. Anxiously watches the youthful +figure seated on front Bench. Bang goes another Million. ALPHEUS +CLEOPHAS can sit it no longer; jumps up and wants to know something. +BOBBY, half-turning, regards him with grave eyes. Speaks no word, but +ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS knows what is passing through his mind; his fluent +speech falters; presently he sits down, shrivelled up, as it were, +under the reproachful glance of the new Leader. Thus the hours pass, +and the votes too, till by midnight all the money is voted for the +Navy, and whole blocks of Civil Service Estimates have been passed. + +[Illustration: Poltalloch.] + +_Business done._--Supply voted with both hands. + +_Friday._--Army Estimates on in Committee of Supply. Gather from +general conversation that things are awful. FRASER, V.C., says they +are going to the dogs. WALTER BARTTELOT "going," as he sometimes asks +permission to do, "one step farther," says they've gone. STANHOPE +evidently expecting an assault on his Department, brought in with +him a stout stick. "When JULIUS 'ANNIBAL PICTON got up just now, and +gave a brief _résumé_ of the operations in which his great ancestor +defeated FLAMINIUS and SERVILIUS at the Lake of Thrasymenus; pretty +to see how STANHOPE almost involuntarily made a pass at him with the +stick. + +"Question! Question!" cried STUART WORTLEY, from behind the SPEAKER's +chair. + +"This is the question," retorted J.A.P., "or it is at least leading +me up to it. I am about, Mr. COURTNEY, to show how, supposing the War +Office at Carthage had been managed on the same principles as those +which govern the conduct of the Right Hon. Gentleman, my illustrious +ancestor, instead of routing the enemy, would have fled from the face +of FLAMINIUS, scuttled off before SERVILIUS, and would never have +lived to vanquish VARROW at Cannes." + +"You rather had STANHOPE there," said POLTALLOCH meeting J.A.P. in +the Lobby afterwards, and shouting down at him a few words of hearty +encouragement. + +_Business done._--Another gallop through the Votes. + + * * * * * + +LADY GAY'S SELECTIONS. + +_Phantom Lodge, Ascot._ + +DEAR MR. PUNCH, + +[Illustration] + +Here I am once more at Ascot--beloved of Women and Milliners! +_Ascot_, I mean, not _myself_, as I'm thankful to say women don't +like me--Milliners don't count as women, of course, being so very +liberal-minded; and that's the advantage of being "somebody," and +having a figure--you can get all your gowns on the condition of +telling everyone (in strict confidence) who "built" them! I had a +most fatiguing day yesterday, as, after arriving, I had to show the +Baroness all my Ascot "confections," and I made the poor dear quite +jealous, which, of _course_, vexed me, as she is quite my dearest +friend! I was much gratified to see my protest against these +"glove contests" so admirably and cleverly "seconded" (I'm afraid +that's a fighting expression) by one of your wonderful Artists in +Black-and-White (black and blue it might have well been on this +occasion)--though, by the way, he must have been present himself, or +he wouldn't have seen how ashamed of his own face every man was! We +shall have the dear wretches wearing veils next, I suppose! + +On every hand I hear great complaints of the "moderate lot" +our English Three-year-olds have turned out; and the Vicomte DE +FOSSE-TERRE (a descendant of the historical QUEEN OF NAVARRE) quite +upset our dinner-party last night by claiming immense superiority +for the French horses of the same age--why should this be?--I don't +consider the French ahead of us in politeness, so why should they be +so in breeding? However, the fact remains, that no English Horse will +run in the French Derby this year! + +Lord STONEHENGE tells me we may expect the "Dissolution" very shortly, +and I'm sure the poor Members must be glad of it, for this weather +makes one long to dissolve--though I must say it seems to me an absurd +time to choose, as it will stop the Season and upset everybody's +arrangements! These things will be better managed when we get a "House +of Peeresses" at the head of affairs--and _that_ is only a question of +time, I feel sure! + +But now to glance at the Ascot Programme--it is such a lengthy and +important one, that a mere glance will be quite sufficient for me, +whereas a _man_ would study the thing for a week and then know nothing +about it! I will just mention a few horses that my readers will do +well to "keep their eye on," that is if they can--for really at Ascot +one does not pay much attention to the races--and in conclusion I +will give my "one-horse selection" for the _last_ in the Gold Cup. The +expression "one-horsed," is, I believe, generally used contemptuously, +but it must serve till I find time to think out another, which is +impossible at present, as the luncheon-gong has just sounded, and +I have visions of a lobster-salad and iced Hock-Cup! And now to +prophesy? On the "_Queen's Birthday_" a "_Sprightly_" "_Buccaneer_" +gave an "_Order_" to attack "_Harfleur_", captured the town, and at +the end of the "_Comedy_" paid the "_Bill_!" + + Yours devotedly, + LADY GAY. + +GOLD CUP TIP. + + The bloom on the leaf of a first-rate cigar + Is expressed by the trade as "Flor Fina," + But the sight, to a racing-man, finer by far + Is the bloom of the mare "_Caterina_!" + + * * * * * + +GOOD NEWS!!--"Apprehended Great Cyclone!" So ran the heading of +a paragraph in the _Daily Telegraph_ last Friday. We trust this +turbulent person once apprehended, will be sentenced and imprisoned. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14745 *** |