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C. Burnand</h1> +<pre> +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at <a href = "https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre> +<p>Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 102, June 18, 1892</p> +<p>Author: Various</p> +<p>Release Date: January 20, 2005 [eBook #14745]</p> +<p>Language: English</p> +<p>Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1</p> +<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 102, JUNE 18, 1892***</p> +<br /><br /><h3>E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis,<br /> + and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team</h3><br /><br /> +<hr class="full" /> + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 102.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>June 18, 1892.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page289" + id="page289"></a>[pg 289]</span> + + <h2>THE COURIER OF THE HAGUE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By the "Vacuus Viator."</i>)</h4> + + <p>He is an elderly amiable little Dutchman in a soft felt hat; + his name is BOSCH, and he is taking me about. <i>Why</i> I + engaged him I don't quite know—unless from a general + sense of helplessness in Holland, and a craving for any kind of + companionship. Now I have got him, I feel rather more helpless + than ever—a sort of composite of <i>Sandford</i> and + <i>Merton</i>, with a didactic, but frequently incomprehensible + <i>Dutch Barlow</i>. My <i>Sandford</i> half would like to + exhibit an intelligent curiosity, but is generally suppressed + by <i>Merton</i>, who has a morbid horror of useful + information. Not that BOSCH is remarkably erudite, but + nevertheless he contrives to reduce me to a state of + imbecility, which I catch myself noting with a pained surprise. + There is a statue in the Plein, and the <i>Sandford</i> element + in me finds a satisfaction in recognising it aloud as WILLIAM + the Silent. It is—but, as my <i>Merton</i> part thinks, a + fellow <i>would</i> be a fool if he didn't recognise WILLIAM + after a few hours in Holland—his images, in one form or + another, are tolerably numerous. Still, BOSCH is gratified. + "Yass, dot is ole VOLLIAM," he says, approvingly, as to a + precocious infant just beginning to take notice. "Lokeer," he + says, "you see dot Apoteek?" He indicates a chemist's shop + opposite, with nothing remarkable about it externally, except a + Turk's head with his tongue out over the door. "Yes, I, + speaking for <i>Sandford</i> and <i>Merton</i>, see + it—has it some historical interest—did VOLLIAM get + medicine there, or what?" "Woll, dis mornin dare vas two + sairvans dere, and de von cot two blaces out of de odder's + haid, and afderwarts he go opstairs and vas hang himself mit a + pedbost," BOSCH evidently rather proud of this as illustrating + the liveliness of The Hague. "Was he mad?" "Yass, he vas mard, + mit a vife and seeks childrens." "No, but was he out of his + senses?" "I tink it vas oud of Omsterdam he vas com," says + BOSCH. "But how did it happen?" "Wol-sare, de broprietor vas + die, and leaf de successor de pusiness, and he dells him in von + mons he will go, begause he nod egsamin to be a + Chimigal—so he do it, and dey dake him to de hosbital, + and I tink <i>he</i> vas die too by now!" adds BOSCH, + cheerfully. Very sad affair evidently—but a little + complicated. <i>Sandford</i> would like to get to the bottom of + it, but <i>Merton</i> convinced there is <i>no</i> bottom. So, + between us, subject allowed to drop. <i>Sandford</i> (now in + the ascendant again) notices, as the clever boy, inscription on + house-front, "Hier woonden GROEN VAN PRINSTERER, 1838-76." "I + suppose that means VAN PRINSTERER lived here, BOSCH?" "Yass, + dot vas it." "And who was he?" "He vas—wol, he vos a + Member of de Barliaments." "Was he celebrated?" "Celebrated? + oh, yass!" "What did he <i>do</i>?" (I think <i>Merton</i> gets + this in.) "Do?" says BOSCH, quite indignantly, "he nefer do + <i>nodings</i>!" BOSCH takes me into the Fishmarket, when he + directs my attention to a couple of very sooty live storks, who + are pecking about at the refuse. "Dose birts are shtorks; hier + dey vas oblige to keep alvays two shtorks for de arms of de + Haag. Ven de yong shtorks porn, de old vons vas kill." + <i>Sandford</i> shocked—<i>Merton</i> sceptical. "Keel + dem? Oh, yass, do anytings mit dem ven dey vas old," says + BOSCH, and adds:—"Ve haf de breference mit de shtorks, + eh?" What <i>is</i> he driving at? "Yass—ven <i>ve</i> + vas old, ve vas nod kill." This reminds + BOSCH—<i>Barlow</i>-like—of an anecdote. "Dere vas + a vrent to me," he begins, "he com and say to me, 'BOSCH, I am + god so shtout and my bark is so dick, I can go no more on my + lacks—vat vas I do?' To him I say, 'Wol, I dell you vat I + do mit you—I dake you at de booshair to be cot op; I tink + you vas make vary goot shdeak-meat!'" Wonder whether this is a + typical sample of BOSCH's <i>badinage</i>. "What did he say to + that, BOSCH?" "Oh, he vas vair moch loff, a-course!" says + BOSCH, with the natural complacency of a successful + humorist.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/289.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/289.png" + alt="'Some story of a scandalous but infinitely humorous nature.'" /> + </a>"Some story of a scandalous but infinitely humorous + nature." + </div> + + <p>We go into the Old Prison, and see some horrible implements + of torture, which seem to exhilarate BOSCH. "Lokeer!" he says, + "Dis vas a pinition" (BOSCH for "punishment") "mit a can. Dey + lie de man down and vasten his foots, and efery dime he was + shdrook mit de can, he jomp op and hit his vorehaid.... Hier + dey lie down de beoples on de back, and pull dis shdring + queeck, and all dese tings go roundt, and preak deir bones. Ven + de pinition vas feenish you vas det." He shows where the + Water-torture was practised. "Nottice 'ow de vater vas vork a + 'ole in de tile," he chuckles. "I tink de tile vas vary hardt + det, eh?" Then he points out a pole with a spiked prong. + "Tief-catcher—put'em in de tief's nack—and ged + 'im!" Before a grim-looking cauldron he halts appreciatively. + "You know vat dat vas for?" he says. "Dat vas for de + blode-foots; put 'em in dere, yass, and light de vire + onderneat." No idea what "<i>blode-foots</i>" may be, but from + the relish in BOSCH's tone, evidently something very + unpleasant, so don't press him for explanations. We go + upstairs, and see some dark and very mouldy dungeons, which + BOSCH is most anxious that I should enter. Make him go in + <i>first</i>, for the surroundings seem to have excited his + sense of the humorous to such a degree, that he might be unable + to resist locking me in, and leaving me, if I gave him a + chance.</p> + + <p>Outside at last, thank goodness! The Groote Kerk, according + to BOSCH, "is not vort de see," so we don't see it. + <i>Sandford</i> has a sneaking impression that I ought to go + in, but <i>Merton</i> glad to be let off. We go to see the + pictures at the Mauritshuis instead. BOSCH exchanges greetings + with the attendants in Dutch. "Got <i>another</i> of 'em in + tow, you see—and collar-work, <i>I</i> can tell you!" + would be a free translation, I suspect, of his remarks. Must + say that, in a Picture-gallery, BOSCH is a superfluous luxury. + He <i>does</i> take my ignorance just a trifle too much for + granted. He <i>might</i> give me credit for knowing the story + of ADAM and EVE, at all events! "De Sairpan gif EVA de opple, + an' EVA she gif him to ADAM," BOSCH carefully informs me, + before a "<i>Paradise</i>," by RUBENS and BRUEGHEL. This rouses + my <i>Merton</i> half to inquire what ADAM did with it. "Oh, + <i>he</i> ead him too!" says BOSCH in perfect good faith. I do + wish, too, he wouldn't lead me up to PAUL POTTER's + "<i>Bull</i>," and ask me enthusiastically if it isn't "real + meat." I shouldn't mind it so much if there were not several + English people about, without couriers—but there + <i>are</i>. My only revenge is (as <i>Merton</i>) to carefully + pick out the unsigned canvases and ask BOSCH who painted them; + whereupon, BOSCH endeavours furtively to make out the label on + the frames, and then informs me in desperation, "it was + '<i>School</i>.'—yass, <i>he</i> baint him!" BOSCH kindly + explains the subject of every picture in detail. He tells me a + DROOCHSLOOT represents a "balsham pedder." I suppose I look + bewildered, for he adds—"oppen air tance mit a village." + "Hier dey vas haf a tispute; dis man say de ham vas more value + as de cheese—dere is de cheese, and dere is the ham." + "Hier is an old man dot marry a yong vife, and two tevils com + in, and de old man he ron avay." "Hier he dress him in voman, + and de vife is vrighten." "Hier is JAN STEEN himself as a + medicine, and he veel de yong voman's polse and say dere is + nodings de madder, and de modder ask him to trink a glass of + vine." "Hier is de beach at Skavening—now dey puild + houses on de dunes—bot de beach is schdill dere." Such + are BOSCH's valuable and instructive comments, to which, as + representing <i>Sandford</i> and <i>Merton</i>, I listen with + depressed docility. All the same, can't help coming to the + conclusion that Art is <i>not</i> BOSCH's strong point. Shall + come here again—alone. We go on to the Municipal Museum, + where he shows me what <i>he</i> considers the treasures of the + collection—a glass goblet, engraved "mit dails of tobaggo + bipes," and the pipes themselves; a painting of a rose "mit ade + beople's faces in de leafs;" and a drawing of "two pirts mit + only von foots."</p> + + <p>Outside again. BOSCH shows me a house. "Lokeer. In dot house + leef an oldt lady all mit herself and ade sairvans. She com + from Friesland, yassir." Really, I think BOSCH is going to be + interesting—at last. There is a sly twinkle in his eye, + denoting some story of a scandalous but infinitely humorous + nature. "Well, BOSCH, go on—what about the old lady?" I + ask, eagerly, as <i>Merton</i>. "Wol, Sir," says BOSCH, "she + nefer go noveres." ... That's <i>all</i>! "A devilish + interesting story, <i>Sumph</i>, indeed!" to quote <i>Mr. + Wagg</i>.</p> + + <p>But, as BOSCH frequently reminds me, "It vas pedder, you + see, as a schendlemans like you go apout mit me; I dell you + tings dot vas nod in de guide-books." Which I am not in a + position to deny.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>BY ONE OF THE UNEMPLOYED.—"It is a curious fact," + wrote the Recording Angel, a very superior sort of person to + "the Printer's Devil," on the <i>Daily Telegraph</i>, "that in + Greater London last week the births registered were just one + more than twice the number of deaths. Thus grows the population + in this great Babylon." Very appropriate, in this instance, is + the title of "Great Baby-lon." If you put it down an "e," my + Lord, and spell it "berths," then these are by no means in + proportion to the unemployed youth in search of them.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page290" + id="page290"></a>[pg 290]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <h3>DISSOLUTION—(AS THE ENEMY OF THE LONDON + SEASON).</h3><a href="images/290.png"><img width="60%" + src="images/290.png" + alt="DISSOLUTION--(AS THE ENEMY OF THE LONDON SEASON)." /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There was a sound of revelry by day,</p> + + <p>And England's Capital had gathered then,</p> + + <p>Her Beauty and her Masherdom, and gay</p> + + <p>Spring's sun shone o'er smart women and swell + men;</p> + + <p>A thousand shops shone showily; and when</p> + + <p>MAY came to Mayfair, FLORA to Pall-Mall,</p> + + <p>Shrewd eyes winked hope to eyes which winked + again,</p> + + <p>And maids heard sounds as of the marriage-bell.</p> + + <p class="i2">But hush! hark! a harsh sound strikes + like a sudden knell!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Did ye not hear it? Is it howling wind?</p> + + <p>The tram-car rattling o'er the stony street?</p> + + <p>The groans of M.P.'s wearily confined</p> + + <p>To the dull House when night and morning meet,</p> + + <p>Dragged to Divisions drear with dawdling feet?</p> + </div> + </div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page291" + id="page291"></a>[pg 291]</span> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>No, hark! that heavy sound breaks in once more,</p> + + <p>The street, the hall its echoes now repeat,</p> + + <p>And nearer, clearer, deadlier than before!</p> + + <p class="i2">Arm! Arm! it is—it is—the + Elections' opening roar!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>'Tis in our midst—that figure draped and + dim,</p> + + <p>Whose mocking music makes us all afraid.</p> + + <p>"Death as the Foe!" Can it indeed be <i>Him</i>?</p> + + <p>Duller, more dirge-like tune was never played</p> + + <p>On strings more spirit-chilling. Feet are stayed</p> + + <p>Though in mid-waltz, and laughter, though at + height,</p> + + <p>Hushes, and maidens modishly arrayed</p> + + <p>For matrimonial conquest, shrink with fright;</p> + + <p class="i2">And Fashion palsied sits, and Shopdom + takes to flight.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Ah! then and there are hurryings to and fro</p> + + <p>And gathering tears, and poutings of distress,</p> + + <p>And cheeks all pale, which some short hours ago</p> + + <p>Glowed with the deep delights of Dance and + Dress;</p> + + <p>And there are sudden partings, such as press</p> + + <p>The hope from Spoons of promise, meaning sighs</p> + + <p>Which ne'er may be repeated; who can guess</p> + + <p>If ever more shall meet those mutual eyes,</p> + + <p class="i2">When Dissolution snaps the Season's + tenderest ties?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And there is scuttling in hot haste: the steed,</p> + + <p>The Coaching Meet, the Opera's latest star,</p> + + <p>The Row, the River, the Vitellian feed,—</p> + + <p>All the munitions of the Social War,</p> + + <p>Seem fruitless now, when peal on peal afar</p> + + <p>And near, the beat of the great Party Drum</p> + + <p>Rouses M.P.'s to platform joust and jar,</p> + + <p>While tongue-tied dullards scarcely dare be + dumb,</p> + + <p class="i2">When the Whips whisper "Go!" Wirepullers + clamour "Come!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Too bad! Too bad!" The Influenza chilled,</p> + + <p>Court-mourning marred, the Season's earliest + prime,</p> + + <p>And now, just as with hope young breasts are + filled,</p> + + <p>When young leaves still are verdant on the lime,</p> + + <p>When diners-out are having a good time,</p> + + <p>When Epsom's o'er and Ascot is at hand;</p> + + <p>To cut all short, is scarcely less than crime.</p> + + <p>Confusion on that wrangling party-band</p> + + <p class="i2">Whose Dissolution deals the doldrums + round the land!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Ah! wild and high those Phantom-fiddlings + rise!—</p> + + <p>All jocund June with palsying terror thrills;</p> + + <p>Fashion sits frozen dead with staring eyes.</p> + + <p>How that dread dirge the ambient Summer fills</p> + + <p>Savage and shrill! Smart frocks, soft snowy + frills,</p> + + <p>Long trains which dancing Beauty deftly steers.</p> + + <p>Through waltzes wild or devious + quadrilles,—</p> + + <p>All vanish; bosoms white, beset with fears;</p> + + <p class="i2">Beat flight as that fell strain falls + harsh on Beauty's ears.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And June yet waves above them her green leaves,</p> + + <p>Dewy with Springtide's night-drops as they pass</p> + + <p>Grieving,—if aught that's modish ever + grieves,—</p> + + <p>Over the unreturning chance. Alas!</p> + + <p>Their hopes are all cut down ere falls the + grass.</p> + + <p>That with corn-harvest might have seen full + blow.</p> + + <p>See how foiled Shopdom flies, a huddled mass</p> + + <p>Of disappointment, hurrying from the foe,</p> + + <p class="i2">Who all their Season's prospects + shatters, and lays low.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Last month beheld them full of lusty life.</p> + + <p>Beauty, and Wealth, and Pleasure, proudly gay;</p> + + <p>This music brings the signal-sound of strife,</p> + + <p>This month the marshalling to arms. Away!</p> + + <p>Party's magnificently sham array</p> + + <p>The muster of Mode's mob will soon have rent.</p> + + <p>Play on, O Phantom, ominously play!</p> + + <p>Death as the Foe! They fly before thee, blent,</p> + + <p class="i2">Maid, Matron, Masher, Mime, in general + discontent!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:70%;"> + <a href="images/291.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/291.png" + alt="THE DARWINIAN THEORY—VARIATION FROM ENVIRONMENT." /> + </a> + + <h3>THE DARWINIAN THEORY—VARIATION FROM + ENVIRONMENT.</h3> + + <table align="center" + summary="caption"> + <tr> + <td>"KNOCKED 'EM IN THE OLD KENT KOAD!"</td> + + <td>"ATTRACTED ALL EYES AT CHURCH PARADE."</td> + </tr> + </table> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>ADVICE GRATIS.</h3> + + <p>DEBT.—"SIMPLE SIMON" writes: "A man owes me money + which he cannot pay. He lives in furnished lodgings, and has + given me a Bill of Sale on the furniture. Is this sufficient + security? He also offers to insure his life for £200 if I will + advance him £100, which will be the cost of the first premium, + which he says is always heavy. I am disposed to close with this + offer. Am I prudent?"—Prudent is hardly the word to + describe you. We should not in your position make the advance + mentioned. A retreat would be much better tactics. We fancy, + from your description, that your friend would do well as a + Company Promoter.</p> + + <p>STOCK-DEALING TRANSACTIONS.—"Will you advise me under + the following circumstances?" asks "CHEERFUL SOUL," on a + post-card. "I placed £50 with an Outside Broker as a + speculation for the rise in Cashville and Toothpeka First + Preference. Yesterday I received a note to say I had lost my + money, as 'cover had run off.' On repairing to the Broker's + Office, I was surprised to find it apparently deserted. What is + my remedy?"—We should imagine that the Broker had "run + off" too. Your remedy is—not to speculate again. + "Flutters" lead to the Gutters.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page292" + id="page292"></a>[pg 292]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:55%;"> + <a href="images/292-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/292-1.png" + alt="THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE EXPRESSED OTHERWISE." /> + </a> + + <h3>THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE EXPRESSED OTHERWISE.</h3> + + <p><i>Married Vicar</i>, "WELL, MY BISHOP WAS VERY + PARTICULAR WITH <i>ME</i>. AMONG OTHER THINGS, HE ASKED ME, + BEFORE PRESENTING ME, <i>WHETHER MY WIFE WAS A + LADY</i>!"</p> + + <p><i>His Curate</i> (<i>reflectively</i>). "I CAN + <i>QUITE</i> UNDERSTAND <i>THAT</i>!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE WAY THEY HAVE IN THE ARMY.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>A Conversation—Purely Imaginary.</i>)</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>Pall Mall. Present</i>, SECRETARY OF + STATE <i>and</i> Military Adviser.</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Mil. A.</i> I want to know your ideas about the + Autumn Manoeuvres. Are we to have any this year?</p> + + <p><i>Sec. of S.</i> (<i>with a melancholy smile</i>). That + depends upon circumstances not entirely under my + control.</p> + + <p><i>Mil. A.</i> Oh, yes; I know. But Governments may come + and Governments may go, but the State flows on for ever. + Whatever <i>you</i> commence <i>they</i> will have to carry + out.</p> + + <p><i>Sec. of S.</i> Can we have these Manoeuvres without + expense?</p> + + <p><i>Mil. A.</i> Well, scarcely. For instance, there is + the ammunition.</p> + + <p><i>Sec. of S.</i> Oh, we can get over that! Every + soldier, when he is supposed to fire, can say, "Bang!" or + words to that effect. We might add the direction to the new + Provisional Drill-Book.</p> + + <p><i>Mil. A.</i> (<i>drily</i>). Yes, you might; and it + would prove about as useful as the other regulations in + that remarkable volume! Well, suppose the difficulty of + ammunition surmounted, what next?</p> + + <p><i>Sec. of S.</i> Well, I suppose we shall have to spend + some money on the farmers for rights of way and the rest of + it?</p> + + <p><i>Mil. A.</i> I suppose so, if you want the troops to + move over an unfamiliar country.</p> + + <p><i>Sec. of S.</i> But I am not sure I do. Why shouldn't + they learn how to defend Aldershot? Then it would cost + nothing. What next?</p> + + <p><i>Mil. A.</i> Well, there will be the Commissariat + expenses.</p> + + <p><i>Sec. of S.</i> Suppose food costs the same in most + places. Besides, isn't TOMMY ATKINS supposed to purchase + his own victuals?</p> + + <p><i>Mil. A.</i> Yes, theoretically I suppose he is; but + practically he—</p> + + <p><i>Sec. of S.</i> Oh, bother practice! Of course he + must, somehow; he must pay for the Commissariat out of his + own pocket.</p> + + <p><i>Mil. A.</i> Well, then there is the question of + transport. Of course, many regiments have their own waggons + and carts, but for a special occasion I think it would be + advisable if—</p> + + <p><i>Sec. of S.</i> (<i>interrupting</i>). What nonsense! + Why, of course we will make them all walk. It will do them + a world of good!</p> + + <p><i>Mil. A.</i> Well, as we want to bring some from + Scotland, it will distinctly be a long walk—a very + long walk indeed!</p> + + <p><i>Sec. of S.</i> (<i>heartily</i>). So much the + better—so much the better!</p> + + <p><i>Mil. A.</i> (<i>sarcastically</i>). I fancy you will + have to pay a large bill in shoe-leather!</p> + + <p><i>Sec. of S.</i> (<i>aghast</i>). So we shall! Oh, + bother the Manoeuvres just now! The fact is, I have to + think of other things!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Scene closes in upon</i> Secretary <i>thinking + of other things.</i></p> + </blockquote> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>STUDIES IN THE NEW POETRY.</h2> + + <h3>No. II.</h3> + + <p>MR. PUNCH's first example of the New Poetry was, it may be + remembered, in the rhymed, irregular style. It is not a + difficult style. The lines may be long or short; some may groan + under an accumulation of words, while others consist of merely + two or three—a most unfair distribution. The style of the + following specimen, (also by Mr. H-NL-Y) is, however, even + easier to manage. There are no rhymes and very few + restrictions. The lines are very short, and a few words, + therefore, go a very long way, which is always a consideration, + even if you don't happen to be paid by the column. This style + is very fierce and bloodthirsty and terrible. Timid people are, + therefore, advised, for the sake of their nerves, not to read + any farther.</p> + + <h3>THE SONG OF THE POKER.</h3> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/292-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/292-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i4">The Poker,</p> + + <p class="i4">Clanging.</p> + + <p>I am the Poker the straight and the strong,</p> + + <p class="i2">Prone in the fire grate,</p> + + <p class="i2">Black at the nether end,</p> + + <p class="i2">Knobby and nebulous.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">Fashioned for fight</p> + + <p class="i2">In the Pit Acherontic:</p> + + <p class="i2">Many have grappled me,</p> + + <p class="i2">Poised me and thrust me</p> + + <p class="i4">Into the glowing,</p> + + <p class="i2">The flashing and furious</p> + + <p class="i4">Heart of the fire.</p> + + <p class="i2">Raked with me, prized with me,</p> + + <p class="i4">Till on a sudden</p> + + <p class="i2">Besparked and encircled</p> + + <p class="i2">With Welsh or with Wallsend,</p> + + <p class="i4">Shattering, battering</p> + + <p class="i6">They drew me away.</p> + + <p class="i4">Others in rivalry,</p> + + <p class="i6">Thinking to better</p> + + <p class="i2">The previous performance,</p> + + <p class="i4">Seized me again;</p> + + <p class="i2">Pushed with a leverage</p> + + <p class="i4">Hard on the haft of me,</p> + + <p class="i2">Till with the shocks</p> + + <p class="i2">Sank the red fire,</p> + + <p class="i2">Shivered and sank</p> + + <p class="i2">Subdued into blackness.</p> + + <p class="i4">That is my Toil;</p> + + <p class="i2">I am the Poker.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, and the burglar's head</p> + + <p class="i2">Often hath felt me,</p> + + <p class="i2">Hard, undesirable</p> + + <p class="i2">Cracker of craniums.</p> + + <p>I have drunk of the blood,</p> + + <p>The red blood, the life-blood</p> + + <p class="i2">Of the wife of the drunkard.</p> + + <p>Hoh! then, the glory.</p> + + <p class="i2">The joyous, ineffable</p> + + <p class="i2">Cup of fulfilment,</p> + + <p class="i2">When the policeman,</p> + + <p class="i2">Tall with a bull's-eye,</p> + + <p class="i2">Took me and shook me,</p> + + <p class="i2">Produced me in evidence,</p> + + <p class="i2">There in the dim</p> + + <p class="i2">Unappeasable grisliness</p> + + <p class="i2">Of the Police-Court.</p> + + <p>Women to shrink at me,</p> + + <p>Men to be cursed with me,</p> + + <p>Bloodstained, contemptuous,</p> + + <p class="i2">Laid on the table.</p> + + <p class="i2">I am the Minister,</p> + + <p class="i4">Azrael's Minister.</p> + + <p class="i4">I am the Poker.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page293" + id="page293"></a>[pg 293]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/293-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/293-1.png" + alt="VENUS (ANNO DOMINI 1892) RISES FROM THE SEA!!" /> + </a> + + <h3>VENUS (ANNO DOMINI 1892) RISES FROM THE SEA!!</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OPERATIC NOTES.</h2> + + <p><i>Wednesday</i>.—Great German Night. Third Part of + the Festival Play for Four Nights by RICHARD WAGNER, with + (thank goodness just to lighten it) an English translation by + the Messrs. CORDER.</p> + + <p>"<i>Sursum Corder!</i>" A light and airy work as everyone + knows is <i>Der Ring des Nibelungen</i>, or <i>The Nibelung's + Ring</i>, requiring all the power of lungs to get the true ring + out of the work. Hard work for singers, more so for orchestra, + and most so for audience. As for the "Ring," there are a lot of + animals in the Opera, but no horse, so the Circus entertainment + is not complete until <i>Brünnhilde</i> shall appear in the + next part of the tetralogy, with her highly-trained steed. Odd! + Throughout two long (and, ahem! somewhat weary, eh?) Acts, not + a female singer visible on stage (though one sings "like a + bird" off it,—that is, quite appropriately, "at the + wings"), and not until the Third Act, does <i>Erda</i> the + witch "rise from below," and we all saw her and 'Erd 'er. Then, + later on, appears <i>Brünnhilde</i>, asleep, "in a complete + suit of gleaming plate-armour, with helmet on her head and long + shield over her body," a style of free-and-easy costume which, + as everyone knows, is highly conducive to sleeping in perfect + comfort. No wonder <i>Siegfried</i> mistakes her for a + man-in-armour out of the Lord Mayor's Show, and exclaims,</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/293-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/293-2.png" + alt="Scenes in the Ring. Sir Alvary Siegfried, with Nothung on, as Master of 'the Ring,' gives a Special Entertainment." /> + </a>Scenes in the Ring. Sir Alvary Siegfried, with Nothung + on, as Master of "the Ring," gives a Special Entertainment. + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Ha, a Warrior, sure!</p> + + <p>I scan with wonder his form!"</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>(I was scanning with wonder the verses,—but + <i>passons!</i>)—he continues:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"His haughty head</p> + + <p>Is pressed by the helm!"</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>This at first sight looks nautical; and therefore his next + question is, "Can I speak to the man at the wheel?" He decides + that, as the sleeping warrior "heaveth his breast," and "is + heavily breathing," it will be a humane act to give him a + little air,—[which is done in the orchestra whatever air + there is],—and then <i>Siegfried</i> asks himself if it + won't be as well, or "better, to open his byrnie?" Those among + the audience who have been carefully reading the translation up + to this point, here look up and closely watch + <i>Siegfried's</i> proceedings, being evidently uncertain as to + what "his byrnie" may be. Some clever person in Stalls observes + that up to now, he has always thought that "'byrnie' was the + affectionate diminutive for a mountain 'byrne' in Scotland." + Which clever person had evidently much to learn. However the + effect of the operation for "byrnie" (which ought to have been + performed by Dr. BYRNIE YEO, ever ready to rescue a + fellow-creature in distress) is to show that the supposed + Knight is a Lady. Whereupon <i>Siegfried</i> with "surprise and + astonishment starts back" exclaiming:—</p> + + <p>"This is no man! Burning enchantment"—he meant + "Byrnieing"—"charges my heart;"—(what charge does a + heart make in these circumstances?)—"fiery awe falls on + my eyesight;" (bad symptoms these!)—"My senses stagger + and sway,"—So <i>he</i> swaggers and stays.</p> + + <p>It is some time before he can pull himself together, and + then the "Bewitched Maiden" awakes and addresses him + bewitchingly. This causes him to be taken with a fit of + "exalted rapture," while the lady, on her part, cannot help + being "deeply stirred."</p> + + <p>After a mad wooing, she laughs in a "wild transport of + passion," calls him a "high-minded boy," likewise "a blossoming + hero," also "a babe of prowess;" all which epithets, styles and + titles, are in quite the vein of <i>Falstaff</i> addressing + <i>Prince Hal</i>. Then, in return, <i>Siegfried</i> can hit on + no better compliment than to style her "a Sun" and "a Star." + Having thus exhausted their joint-stock of complimentary + endearments, they throw themselves into each other's arms. On + which situation the Curtain discreetly falls.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:32%;"> + <a href="images/293-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/293-3.png" + alt="Sir Druriolanus Wagnerensis offering the Tea-tray-logy to his Patrons." /> + </a>Sir Druriolanus Wagnerensis offering the Tea-tray-logy + to his Patrons. + </div> + + <p>All very fine and large, of course. Orchestra splendid. + <i>Siegfried</i> and <i>Brünnhilde</i> recalled four times. + Everybody, including Mr. MAHLER the Conductor, and Sir AUGUSTUS + WAGNERENSIS, called before Curtain. Madame ROSA SUCHER had her + evening all to herself, to go wherever she liked, as she had + only to drop in at the Opera at 11 P.M., don her armour in + which to appear before the public at midnight, sing a few + solos, join in a duet, and be off the stage again by 12:30 A.M. + punctually.</p> + + <p>The English translation will repay perusal. There are in it + some really choice morsels. This subject must be considered at + the earliest operatunity.</p> + + <p>The Singing Dragon is delightful throughout, and his death + as tragic as anything in <i>Pyramis</i> and <i>Thisbe</i> as + played by <i>Bottom the Weaver & Co</i>, + <i>Limited</i>.</p> + + <p><i>Saturday</i>.—Production of the Illustrious ISIDORE + DE LARA's <i>Light of Asia</i>. So the operatic day, that is + Saturde-ay, finishes with generally-expressed opinion that this + Opera is a</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"DE-LA-RA-Boom-de-ay!"</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Everything scenically and stage-managerially that could be + done to make <i>The Light of Asia</i> brilliant, Sir + DRURIOLANUS has done; but, after a first hearing, it strikes me + that, regarded as a work for the stage, it is a mere + <i>Night-light of Asia</i>, which, like <i>Macbeth's</i> "brief + candle," will go "out," and "then be heard no more." If, + however, it be relegated to the concert-hall, as a Cantata, + <i>The Light of Asia</i> may appear lighter than it does on the + boards of Covent Garden, where, intended to be a dramatic + Opera, it only recalls to me the title of one of RUDYARD + KIPLING's stories, viz., <i>The Light that Failed</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A SUTTON THOUGHT.—Mr. CHAMBERLAIN can now allude to + Lord ROSEBERY as "a Sutton person of his acquaintance."</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page294" + id="page294"></a>[pg 294]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/294.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/294.png" + alt="QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS." /></a> + + <h3>QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS.</h3> + + <p><i>Unfashionable Mother.</i> "WHAT A SWEET CHILD! HOW + OLD IS SHE?"</p> + + <p><i>Fashionable Mother.</i> "WELL, REALLY, IF YOU ARE + GOING TO ASK <i>THAT</i> SORT OF QUESTION, I'D BETTER SEND + FOR THE NURSE!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>AN OLD SONG REVIVED.</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>(<i>As sung by the Champion Ulster "Comique," Colonel + S-nd-rs-n, to the old tune of "De Groves of de Pool," + written by "honest Dick Millikin."</i>)</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Whillaloo! If they droive us to foighting,</p> + + <p class="i2">'Tis ourselves who will lead 'em a + dance,</p> + + <p>Till, loike the Cork bhoys, they're deloighting,</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>Back again</i> to their homes to + <i>advance</i>!</p> + + <p>No longer in beating such rebels</p> + + <p class="i2">We'll take than in baiting a bull.</p> + + <p>How they'll squake, in effeminate trebles,</p> + + <p class="i2">When Ulster's battalions are full!</p> + + <p class="i10">Ri fol didder rol didder rol!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>We</i> trate 'em as loving relations?</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>We</i> trust to the "Union of + Hearts"?</p> + + <p><i>We</i> heed the Grand Old One's orations?</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>We</i> play the Minority's parts?</p> + + <p><i>We</i> bow to the yoke of TIM HEALY?</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>We</i> stoop to the Papisthry + rule?</p> + + <p>Faix! them who imagine it really</p> + + <p class="i2">Must fancy that "Orange" spells + "fool."</p> + + <p class="i10">Ri fol didder rol didder rol!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>We</i> consint to a sham House o' Commons</p> + + <p class="i2">Established on ould College Green?</p> + + <p>They fancy we're Radical rum 'uns!</p> + + <p class="i2">Allaygiance we owe to our QUEEN!</p> + + <p>But we're fly to <i>their</i> thraitorous + dodges;</p> + + <p class="i2">Our loyalty's edge would they dull?</p> + + <p>Fwit! We'll pour like a flood from our Lodges,</p> + + <p class="i2">And crack every "National" skull!</p> + + <p class="i10">Ri fol didder rol didder rol!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>We're all friends of Law and of Order,</p> + + <p class="i2">But would they wrench <i>us</i> from the + Crown?</p> + + <p>We'll soon be a-singing "<i>Boyne Water</i>,"</p> + + <p class="i2">And marching to "<i>Croppies, lie + down!</i>"</p> + + <p>'Tis we have the Men and the Money,</p> + + <p class="i2">We don't <i>want</i> to foight, we're + quite cool.</p> + + <p>But, by Jingo, our foes will look funny,</p> + + <p class="i2">When Ulster turns out 'gin Home Rule!</p> + + <p class="i10">Ri fol didder rol didder rol!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>To-day in our myriads we muster.</p> + + <p class="i2">Friendly <i>warning</i> is all that + <i>we</i> mean.</p> + + <p>About SOLLY's "incitement" Rads fluster;</p> + + <p class="i2">We're thrue to the Crown and the + QUEEN:</p> + + <p>But Ulster no "pathriot" shall sever,</p> + + <p class="i2">And Ulster no "Papish" shall school.</p> + + <p>Whillaloo! Here's the Union for ever,</p> + + <p class="i2">And into the Boyne wid Home Rule!</p> + + <p class="i10">Ri fol didder rol didder rol!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Och! Here's to Dutch WILLIAM the Pious!</p> + + <p class="i2">And here's to VICTORIA the Good!</p> + + <p>If they think we <i>won't</i> foight, let 'em try + us!</p> + + <p class="i2">They mock at an Orangeman's mood,</p> + + <p>But once set the Green 'gainst the Yellow,</p> + + <p class="i2">(Wid no one our coat-tails to pull,)</p> + + <p>And I pity the pathriots who bellow</p> + + <p class="i2">(Like bhoys in a bog) for Home Rule!</p> + + <p class="i10">Ri fol didder rol didder rol!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Come, all loyal props of the nation,</p> + + <p class="i2">Come fill up a bumper all round!</p> + + <p>Drink success to our great federation;</p> + + <p class="i2">With Brummy JOE's blessing 'tis + crowned.</p> + + <p><i>He</i> says we are heroes, right stingo,</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>He</i> vows W.G.'s an old fool.</p> + + <p>No, we <i>don't</i> want to fight, but, by + Jingo,</p> + + <p class="i2">Whin we <i>do</i>—it's all up wid + Home Rule!</p> + + <p class="i10">Ri fol didder rol didder rol!</p> + + <p class="i10">[<i>Left "bombinating."</i></p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>A BACHELOR'S GROWL.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, the beautiful women, the women of ancient + days,</p> + + <p class="i2">The ripe and the red, who are done and + dead,</p> + + <p class="i4">With never a word of praise;</p> + + <p>The rich, round SALLIES and SUSANS, the POLLIES and + JOANS and PRUES,</p> + + <p class="i2">Who guarded their fame, and saw no + shame</p> + + <p class="i4">In walking in low-heeled shoes.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>They never shrieked on a platform; they never + desired a vote;</p> + + <p class="i2">They sat in a row and liked things + slow,</p> + + <p class="i4">While they knitted or patched a coat.</p> + + <p>They lived with nothing of Latin, and a jolly sight + less of Greek,</p> + + <p class="i2">And made up their books, and changed + their cooks</p> + + <p class="i4">On an average once a week.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>They never ventured in hansoms, nor climbed to the + topmost 'bus,</p> + + <p class="i2">Nor talked with a twang in the latest + slang;</p> + + <p class="i4">They left these fashions to us.</p> + + <p>But, ah, she was sweet and pleasant, though possibly + not well-read,</p> + + <p class="i2">The excellent wife who cheered your + life,</p> + + <p class="i4">And vanished at ten to bed.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And it's oh the pity, the pity that time should ever + annul</p> + + <p class="i2">The wearers of skirts who mended + shirts,</p> + + <p class="i4">And never thought nurseries dull.</p> + + <p>For everything's topsy-turvy now, the men are bedded + at ten,</p> + + <p class="i2">While the women sit up, and smoke and + sup</p> + + <p class="i4">In the Club of the Chickless Hen.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page295" + id="page295"></a>[pg 295]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/295.png"><img width="70%" + src="images/295.png" + alt="AN OLD SONG REVIVED." /></a> + + <h3>AN OLD SONG REVIVED.</h3>COLONEL S-ND-RS-N <i>(the + Irish "Lion Comique") sings</i>— + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"WE DON'T WANT TO FIGHT,</p> + + <p>BUT, BY JINGO, IF WE DO, ——"</p> + </div> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page297" + id="page297"></a>[pg 297]</span> + + <h3>THE USEFUL CRICKETER.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>A Candid Veteran's Confession.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:18%;"> + <a href="images/297-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/297-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I am rather a "pootlesome" bat—</p> + + <p class="i2">I seldom, indeed, make a run;</p> + + <p>But I'm rather the gainer by that,</p> + + <p class="i2">For it's bad to work hard in the sun.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>As a "field" I am not worth a jot,</p> + + <p class="i2">And no one expects me to be;</p> + + <p>My run is an adipose trot,</p> + + <p class="i2">My "chances" I never can see.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I am never invited to bowl,</p> + + <p class="i2">And though, p'raps, this seems like a + slight</p> + + <p>In the depths of my innermost soul</p> + + <p class="i2">I've a notion the Captain is right.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In short, I may freely admit</p> + + <p class="i2">I am not what you'd call a great + catch;</p> + + <p>But yet my initials are writ</p> + + <p class="i2">In the book against every match!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>For although—ay, and there is the + rub—</p> + + <p class="i2">I am forty and running to fat,</p> + + <p>I have made it all right with the Club,</p> + + <p class="i2">By presenting an Average Bat!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>PRIVATE REFLECTIONS OF THE PUBLIC ORATOR AT CAMBRIDGE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>As recorded by Mr. Punch's Patent Phonograph.</i>)</h4> + + <p>Deadly business, this Latin joking. One speech is bad + enough, but fifteen are absolutely crushing. Still it must be + done. Shade of CICERO, befriend me! Here goes:—</p> + + <p>"What on earth can I say about the DUKE OF EDINBURGH? + Mustn't offend these blessed Royalties. Am told they never take + kindly to jokes. Let me see, he served on the <i>Euryalus</i> + (query? ought I to bring in <i>Nisus</i>). Travelled a great + deal—<i>multorum vidit et urbes</i>. <i>Mem.</i> Work + this up. By the way, ALFRED's his name. Bring in ALFRED and the + cakes. ALFRED thrashed Danes. PRINCE OF WALES married a Dane. + To be worked up. Sailor-Prince: <i>mem.</i> <i>O navis + referent, etc.</i> See also VIRGIL's description of storm. + Prince plays fiddle. Might say that VIRGIL was poet <i>quem + vicina Cremonæ Mantua genuit</i>. Did this, years ago, for old + JOACHIM, but can use it again. Never mind the <i>væ nimium + miseræ vicina Cremonæ</i>. Prince won't know about that. What's + the best Latin for Admiral? Daughter betrothed to Crown PRINCE + OF ROUMANIA. Can get in Roman legionaries. Ripping!!</p> + + <p>"NORTHBROOK's fairly easy. Oxford man. Mustn't mention he + only got Second Class. Never mind, India will pull me through. + Conquests of ALEXANDER, and all that sort of thing. Must look + up RUDYARD KIPLING for latest tips. Dusky brothers (Query, + <i>sub-fusci fratres?</i>) good Academical joke this; sure to + fetch the VICE-CHANCELLOR. Pity the CHANCELLOR's so poor in + Latin.</p> + + <p>"CRANBROOK next. Bother all these brooks! He's a Viscount + (<i>Vice-Comes</i> DE CRANBROOK). Lord President of Council; + looks after education. That'll do it. Who's this fool that has + sent a post-card asking me to say something about <i>Educatio + libera</i>? <i>Num est tuus servus canis ut hanc rem + faciat?</i></p> + + <p>"HENRY JAMES. Dear me! No University education. Must refer to + CICERO as a barrister. <i>Solicitor Generalis</i> doesn't sound + right somehow. Refused to be Lord Chancellor. <i>Mem.</i> Get + good joking Latin for Woolsack. Factory and Workshops Act must + see me through.</p> + + <p>"JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN. Hard nut to crack. Can't say I like him + myself. <i>Birminghamiæ decus; civium consensu + ter</i>—What the dickens is Mayor in Latin? Did anybody + make screws in ancient Rome? <i>Mem.</i> Work up orchids and + eyeglass. <i>Una cum Cancellario nostro seni grandi + restitit.</i> Absolutely no literary distinction. Still, he's + got a son who was a Cambridge man. Must get in a sly dig at + OSCAR BROWNING and East Worcestershire. Something about old-age + pensions. Bah, I hate the job!</p> + + <p>"JOHN MORLEY. Humph! Delicate ground. Home Rule's got to be + skimmed over. Only consistent Home-Ruler of the lot (<i>sibi + constat</i>). Books by the dozen (<i>lucidus ordo, etc.</i>). + French Revolution (<i>res novæ</i>). Ardent reformer (<i>res + renovanda radicitus</i>). Ought to drag in <i>impiger, + iracundus, inexorabilis acer</i>. Better not, on second + thoughts.</p> + + <p>"That's enough for one morning. Polish off the rest + to-morrow. <i>Mem.</i> WEBSTER won two miles against Oxford + (<i>duo millia passuum; Oxoniensibus triumphatus</i>, and a few + japes about Isthmian games. Must fetch them). Remember to give + ROBY one or two for himself over his Latin grammar. Mostly + wrong. He'd better stick to making reels of cotton. SEELEY and + the others can wait."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MR. HARDUP lately came into a large fortune, and changed his + name to SKATTERKASH. He has started a coach, and drives four + duns. "The duns used always to be after me," says he; "now I've + got 'em before me. It's a pleasant reminder of unpleasant + times."</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>KENSINGTON GARDENS.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>In the Summer Evenings, after Eight.</i>)</h4> + + <p><i>As they are, always.</i>—Closed. Within, a solitary + policeman, moping. Without, the jaded citizens, gasping on a + dusty road, and gazing through the iron railings at the cool + groves within. A mile away, or nearer, some military bands + (paid—by whom?—no matter—ultimately by + tax-payers, who don't get much for their money), bored to death + for lack of work, and any number of charitable institutions + spending half their funds in advertising for more.</p> + + <p><i>As they might be, sometimes.</i>—Open. At the gate + energetic policemen taking the shillings of eager citizens who + crowd in to sit and smoke in the cool groves, lighted by + inexpensive Chinese lanterns, and to listen to the music of the + military bands, now alert, cheerful and occupied. Scattered + through the cool groves a few energetic, but unobtrusive, + policemen, seeing that everyone behaves as quietly as at the + Fisheries or the Healtheries. And (the next morning) any number + of charitable institutions receiving the shillings thus + virtuously and profitably spent.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>SYLLOGISMS OF THE STUMP.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Selected—and condensed—from recent Platform + "Arguments."</i>)</h4> + + <p>There is no principle, no precedent, no reason why, if the + majority desire anything, a Legislative sanction should not be + given to their decision.</p> + + <p>The majority in Ireland desire Home Rule.</p> + + <p>Therefore, it would be an outrage to the minority to give + Legislative sanction to that desire.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/297-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/297-2.png" + alt="Going to the Country with a Cry." /></a>Going to + the Country with a Cry. + </div> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The influence of Women in politics must be elevating and + refining.</p> + + <p>That influence can be most effectively and legitimately + exercised by and through possession of the Electoral + Franchise.</p> + + <p>Therefore it would unsex and degrade women to give them the + Parliamentary vote.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is useless to receive a deputation (say, upon Eight + Hours' Day legislation) unless you "mean business" in that + matter.</p> + + <p><i>I</i> do not mean business in that matter—at + present.</p> + + <p>Therefore I shall be delighted to receive the + deputation.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Liberal Legislation is bad for the country.</p> + + <p>The present Government has successfully accomplished more + Liberal Legislation than any of its predecessors.</p> + + <p>Therefore the country should vote for the present + Government.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The Gladstone Government of 1880 made many serious + mistakes.</p> + + <p><i>I</i> was a leading Member of that Government.</p> + + <p>Therefore you cannot go wrong in following me now.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Mr. C. made a slashing attack on Lord R., and addressed to + him certain awkward questions and posing arguments to which he + is bound to attempt an answer.</p> + + <p>Lord R. made a dashing rejoinder to Mr. C., and devoted the + whole of his speech to answering Mr. C.'s questions and + arguments.</p> + + <p>Therefore Lord R. showed bad taste and temper, and wasted + his own time and the public's.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>I have altered my opinion of many men since 1885.</p> + + <p>Many men have altered their opinion of <i>me</i> since that + same date.</p> + + <p>Therefore they are either fickle fools or idolatrous + items.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>I followed my Leader until 1881.</p> + + <p>Some follow him still.</p> + + <p>Therefore either they don't know what they do, or don't mean + what they say.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>If any logical-minded reader should object that these + so-called syllogisms are not really syllogisms at all, we + should agree with him. But then they are not only the brief and + formal expression of long-winded so-called arguments, which are + not really arguments at all, but which, veiled in floods of + verbiage, are duly presented to the public, from platform and + Press, as though they really were so. <i>Moral</i>:—The + clear analysis of stump-oratory generally takes the form of a + <i>reductio ad absurdum</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MUTUAL ADVERTISEMENT BY THE COURT JESTER.—At the + Shaftesbury Theatre is announced <i>A Play in Little</i>. At + the Court they might announce a LITTLE in a Play. + [N.B.—For explanation see Cast under Clock.] Just now, + very little in any play.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page298" + id="page298"></a>[pg 298]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/298.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/298.png" + alt="A DISTINCTION WITH A DIFFERENCE." /></a> + + <h3>A DISTINCTION WITH A DIFFERENCE.</h3> + + <p><i>Mistress</i> (<i>to applicant for situation, who has + been dismissed, from her last place</i>). "SO YOU'VE JUST + LEFT? DIDN'T YOUR SITUATION SUIT YOU?"</p> + + <p><i>Martha.</i> "OH YES, 'M. SITUATION SOOTED ME VERY + WELL. IT WAS ME, MUM, AS DIDN'T SOOT THE SITUATION!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>FROM A LAHORE PAPER.—"<i>Punch</i>," the writer ought + to have said "<i>Mr. Punch</i>,"—"possesses a battery of + guns, and maintains a standing army of 1,200 men." Quite + correct. Wonderful how they get the news out there. The guns + fire a hundred jokes per minute; all killing ones. The standing + army do the thing well, and will stand anything (well-iced) to + all friends within reasonable limits, under command of <i>Mr. + Punch</i>, President.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>VERY NATURAL.—Mrs. BROWN POTTER, tired of playing a + Hero, is now coming out as a Heroine before the Chaff'dsbury + Theatre is shut up.</p> + <hr /> + + <p><i>ROD and RIVER</i> is the title of a useful book about + fly-fishing (it only needs "fly-leaves" for notes to make it + perfect), written by a Major bearing the appropriate name of + FISHER. One note he might append for the benefit of intending + Etonians, that those who, not having "passed" their swimming + examination, venture to go on the "river", are in danger of the + "rod."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MRS. RAM was told that Mr. JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN is a giant in + intellect. She said, "I don't know much about intellect, but he + must be a very big giant to carry an orchard in his + buttonhole."</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>ODONT.!</h2> + + <h4>(<i>An Ode to the Modern Flora.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, Flora, fair Goddess of Flowers, skies brighten, + the gardens are glowing,</p> + + <p>And lo! 'tis the season of Flower Shows, when + everything seems "All-a-blowing!"</p> + + <p>And what the dickens you've been up to with the + dictionary, I'm dashed if there's any possibility of + knowing.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Talk about "Volapück." Why, it isn't a circumstance + compared with the floral goddess's crack-jaw.</p> + + <p>I've been trying to read the account of a Flower + Show to my wife. Now, at patter-songs I've a slick + tongue and slack jaw.</p> + + <p>I can do "<i>John Wellington Wells</i>" pretty + patly; but to read through a horticultural article</p> + + <p>Would give an alligator instantaneous tetanus; and + of <i>meaning</i> the words seem to have no + particle.</p> + + <p>I should like to be introduced, in its Bornean home, + to the glorious plant called Cælo Dyana.</p> + + <p>But fancy a footman having to announce Madame + SPATHOGLOTTIS KIMBALLIANA!</p> + + <p>Odont. Uro-Skinneri <i>sounds</i> like something + medical and epidermic, but then we're informed that its + sepals and petals</p> + + <p>Are "reticulated in tender brown and broad + rosy-mauve," which immediately sends one "off the + metals."</p> + + <p>The Masdevallias may be a respectable family, though + <i>I</i> should not care to marry into it,</p> + + <p>But "the hybrid M. Mundyana representing M. Veitchii + × M. Ignea" (though "a wonderfully glowing orange" by + all accounts), sounds so exceedingly mixed and mongrel + that I'd certainly eschew it.</p> + + <p>"A noble Catt: Gigas" <i>sounds</i> rather + aristocratic: "Catt: Jacomb," I suppose, is a sort of a + relative;</p> + + <p>But Od. Citrosmum, sounds awfully odd, and is not + <i>my</i> notion of a reassuring appellative.</p> + + <p>And what <i>are</i> you to make of Odont. crisp. + Sanderæ, which, whomsoever "Sanderæ" may be, <i>I</i> + don't want to "crisp" him;</p> + + <p>"A sport of nature unequalled" they call him, and no + doubt his <i>name</i> is, for I can neither clearly + articulate, stutter or lisp him.</p> + + <p>I've not a doubt that, whoever he is, he is probably + liked and considered by some a gem.</p> + + <p>Gyp. Chamberlainianum has a political sound, and has + a strong savour of a floral Brummagem.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And then comes "Odont. vex. Bleui splendidissimum," + which sounds like an appeal for "<i>Two Lovely Blue + Eyes</i>."</p> + + <p>But if it means something entirely different, I + shall hear it without the smallest surprise.</p> + + <p>In fact, looking further, I find, it's "an + artificial hybrid from Odont. vexillarium × Odont. + Roezlii." That's a staggerer.</p> + + <p>But Dend. phalænopsis Schroderæ Dellense is a still + bigger horticultural swaggerer.</p> + + <p>O. Coradenei! likewise O. Crispum! I only wish that + your Godmother, Flora,</p> + + <p>Would insist upon shorter and more intelligible + names for her modern offspring. By bright Aurora,</p> + + <p>I can't go on worshipping at your floral shrine if + the ritual is polyglot gibberish, and what's more, I + won't, Ma'am.</p> + + <p>In the word (queerly spelt) of which you seem very + fond, I earnestly say, Flower Goddess, Odont. + Ma'am!!!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page299" + id="page299"></a>[pg 299]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/299.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/299.png" + alt="THE RACE FOR THE COUNTRY. WAITING FOR THE SIGNAL." /> + </a> + + <h3>THE RACE FOR THE COUNTRY. WAITING FOR THE + SIGNAL.</h3>(<i>By Our Americanised Artist.</i>) + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page300" + id="page300"></a>[pg 300]</span> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <h3>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h3> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:15%;"> + <a href="images/300-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/300-1.png" + alt="'Standing at Bar.'" /></a>"Standing at Bar." + </div> + + <p><i>Thursday, June 9.</i>—The great strength of the + Liberal Party lies in its illimitable resources of Leadership. + When in ordinary times Mr. G. is away, there is either the + SQUIRE OF MALWOOD or JOHN MORLEY to take his place. Now, in + these last days of dying Parliament, the Squire follows Mr. + G.'s leadership even to extent of stopping away from House. + JOHN MORLEY been here for short while to-night, but as soon as + he saw House comfortably in Committee he, too, departed. Seemed + as if Opposition, thus deserted, would stagger blindly on till + it fell in some ditch. At critical moment BOBBY SPENCER quietly + appeared on scene; naturally and irresistibly dropped into seat + of Mr. G. on otherwise almost empty front Bench. No sounding of + drums or braying of trumpets. BOBBY quietly walks up, brushing + past ATHERLY JONES standing at the Bar, and takes his proper + place.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/300-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/300-2.png" + alt="'Question! Question!'" /></a>"Question! + Question!" + </div> + + <p>Effect upon House instant and soothing. Prince ARTHUR looks + up relieved. No one more interested in presence of strong hand + on the rein of Opposition than the Leader of the House. + Business immediately settles down to even and rapid pace. It is + generally understood that BOBBY is desirous that the Government + shall have every assistance given them in disposing of the + remaining business. ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS shows himself a little + restive. Here is a great opportunity fleeting past; vote after + vote put from Chair agreed to almost as rapidly as it can be + recited. After half-a-dozen have been galloped through, ALPHEUS + CLEOPHAS moves uneasily in his seat. Anxiously watches the + youthful figure seated on front Bench. Bang goes another + Million. ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS can sit it no longer; jumps up and + wants to know something. BOBBY, half-turning, regards him with + grave eyes. Speaks no word, but ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS knows what is + passing through his mind; his fluent speech falters; presently + he sits down, shrivelled up, as it were, under the reproachful + glance of the new Leader. Thus the hours pass, and the votes + too, till by midnight all the money is voted for the Navy, and + whole blocks of Civil Service Estimates have been passed.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/300-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/300-3.png" + alt="Poltalloch." /></a>Poltalloch. + </div> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—Supply voted with both + hands.</p> + + <p><i>Friday.</i>—Army Estimates on in Committee of + Supply. Gather from general conversation that things are awful. + FRASER, V.C., says they are going to the dogs. WALTER BARTTELOT + "going," as he sometimes asks permission to do, "one step + farther," says they've gone. STANHOPE evidently expecting an + assault on his Department, brought in with him a stout stick. + "When JULIUS 'ANNIBAL PICTON got up just now, and gave a brief + <i>résumé</i> of the operations in which his great ancestor + defeated FLAMINIUS and SERVILIUS at the Lake of Thrasymenus; + pretty to see how STANHOPE almost involuntarily made a pass at + him with the stick.</p> + + <p>"Question! Question!" cried STUART WORTLEY, from behind the + SPEAKER's chair.</p> + + <p>"This is the question," retorted J.A.P., "or it is at least + leading me up to it. I am about, Mr. COURTNEY, to show how, + supposing the War Office at Carthage had been managed on the + same principles as those which govern the conduct of the Right + Hon. Gentleman, my illustrious ancestor, instead of routing the + enemy, would have fled from the face of FLAMINIUS, scuttled off + before SERVILIUS, and would never have lived to vanquish VARROW + at Cannes."</p> + + <p>"You rather had STANHOPE there," said POLTALLOCH meeting + J.A.P. in the Lobby afterwards, and shouting down at him a few + words of hearty encouragement.</p> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—Another gallop through the + Votes.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>LADY GAY'S SELECTIONS.</h2> + + <p class="author"><i>Phantom Lodge, Ascot.</i></p> + + <p>DEAR MR. PUNCH,</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:28%;"> + <a href="images/300-4.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/300-4.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>Here I am once more at Ascot—beloved of Women and + Milliners! <i>Ascot</i>, I mean, not <i>myself</i>, as I'm + thankful to say women don't like me—Milliners don't count + as women, of course, being so very liberal-minded; and that's + the advantage of being "somebody," and having a + figure—you can get all your gowns on the condition of + telling everyone (in strict confidence) who "built" them! I had + a most fatiguing day yesterday, as, after arriving, I had to + show the Baroness all my Ascot "confections," and I made the + poor dear quite jealous, which, of <i>course</i>, vexed me, as + she is quite my dearest friend! I was much gratified to see my + protest against these "glove contests" so admirably and + cleverly "seconded" (I'm afraid that's a fighting expression) + by one of your wonderful Artists in Black-and-White (black and + blue it might have well been on this occasion)—though, by + the way, he must have been present himself, or he wouldn't have + seen how ashamed of his own face every man was! We shall have + the dear wretches wearing veils next, I suppose!</p> + + <p>On every hand I hear great complaints of the "moderate lot" + our English Three-year-olds have turned out; and the Vicomte DE + FOSSE-TERRE (a descendant of the historical QUEEN OF NAVARRE) + quite upset our dinner-party last night by claiming immense + superiority for the French horses of the same age—why + should this be?—I don't consider the French ahead of us + in politeness, so why should they be so in breeding? However, + the fact remains, that no English Horse will run in the French + Derby this year!</p> + + <p>Lord STONEHENGE tells me we may expect the "Dissolution" + very shortly, and I'm sure the poor Members must be glad of it, + for this weather makes one long to dissolve—though I must + say it seems to me an absurd time to choose, as it will stop + the Season and upset everybody's arrangements! These things + will be better managed when we get a "House of Peeresses" at + the head of affairs—and <i>that</i> is only a question of + time, I feel sure!</p> + + <p>But now to glance at the Ascot Programme—it is such a + lengthy and important one, that a mere glance will be quite + sufficient for me, whereas a <i>man</i> would study the thing + for a week and then know nothing about it! I will just mention + a few horses that my readers will do well to "keep their eye + on," that is if they can—for really at Ascot one does not + pay much attention to the races—and in conclusion I will + give my "one-horse selection" for the <i>last</i> in the Gold + Cup. The expression "one-horsed," is, I believe, generally used + contemptuously, but it must serve till I find time to think out + another, which is impossible at present, as the luncheon-gong + has just sounded, and I have visions of a lobster-salad and + iced Hock-Cup! And now to prophesy? On the "<i>Queen's + Birthday</i>" a "<i>Sprightly</i>" "<i>Buccaneer</i>" gave an + "<i>Order</i>" to attack "<i>Harfleur</i>", captured the town, + and at the end of the "<i>Comedy</i>" paid the + "<i>Bill</i>!"</p> + + <p class="author">Yours devotedly,<br /> + LADY GAY.</p> + + <h3 class="sc">Gold Cup Tip.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The bloom on the leaf of a first-rate cigar</p> + + <p class="i2">Is expressed by the trade as "Flor + Fina,"</p> + + <p>But the sight, to a racing-man, finer by far</p> + + <p class="i2">Is the bloom of the mare + "<i>Caterina</i>!"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>GOOD NEWS!!—"Apprehended Great Cyclone!" So ran the + heading of a paragraph in the <i>Daily Telegraph</i> last + Friday. We trust this turbulent person once apprehended, will + be sentenced and imprisoned.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. 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