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diff --git a/1446-0.txt b/1446-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..9b82a9d --- /dev/null +++ b/1446-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4764 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Perfect Behavior, by Donald Ogden Stewart + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most +other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions +whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of +the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at +www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have +to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. + +Title: Perfect Behavior + A Guide for Ladies and Gentlemen in all Social Crises + +Author: Donald Ogden Stewart + +Illustrator: Ralph Barton + +Release Date: September, 1998 [EBook #1446] +[Most recently updated: February 14, 2020] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PERFECT BEHAVIOR *** + + + + +Produced by Charles Keller, and David Widger + + + + +Perfect Behavior + +by Donald Ogden Stewart + +Illustrated by Ralph Barton + +A Guide for Ladies and Gentlemen in all Social Crises + +[Illustration] + +Those who are not self-possessed obtrude +and pain us.—EMERSON + +A parody outline of etiquette by the Author of “A Parody +Outline of History” + +The perfect gentleman is he who never unintentionally causes +pain.—OLD PROVERB + + + TO THE BRIDEGROOM WHOSE WEDDING WAS RUINED + BECAUSE THE BRIDE CAME DOWN THE AISLE + ON THE RIGHT INSTEAD OF THE LEFT + ARM OF HER FATHER + _With Deepest Sympathy_ + +Contents + + CHAPTER ONE: THE ETIQUETTE OF COURTSHIP + CHAPTER TWO: THE ETIQUETTE OF ENGAGEMENTS AND WEDDINGS + CHAPTER THREE: THE ETIQUETTE OF TRAVEL + CHAPTER FOUR: AT THE CONCERT AND THE OPERA + CHAPTER FIVE: ETIQUETTE FOR DRY AGENTS + CHAPTER SIX: A CHAPTER FOR SCHOOLGIRLS + CHAPTER SEVEN: THE ETIQUETTE OF GAMES AND SPORTS + CHAPTER EIGHT: CORRESPONDENCE AND INVITATIONS + CHAPTER NINE: THE ETIQUETTE OF DINNERS AND BALLS + + + CONTENTS + +I. THE ETIQUETTE OF COURTSHIP A Few Words about Love—Curious Incident +in a Yellow Taxicab—A Silly Girl—Correct Introductions and how to Make +Them—A Well Known Congressman’s Ludicrous Mistake in a Turkish +Bath—Cards and Flowers—Flowers and their Message in Courtship—“A Clean +Tooth Never Decays”—Receiving an Invitation to Call—The Etiquette of +Telephoning-A Telephone Girl’s Horrible End—Making the First +Call—Conversation and Some of its Uses—A Proper Call—The Proposal +Proper-The Proposal Improper—What Henry Wadsworth Longfellow Said to +the ex-Clergyman’s Niece. + +II. THE ETIQUETTE OF ENGAGEMENTS AND WEDDINGS The Historic +Aspect—Announcing the Engagement—A Breton Fisher Girl’s Experience with +a Traveling Salesman—The Bride-to-Be—The Engagement Luncheon—Selecting +the Bridal Party—Invitations and Wedding Presents—A Good Joke on the +Groom—“Madam, those are my trousers”—Duties of the Best Man—A Demented +Taxidermist’s Strange Gift—The Bride’s Tea—The Maid of Honor—What Aunt +Edna Saw on the Club Porch-The Bachelor Dinner and After-Some Practical +Uses for Bi-Carbonate of Soda—The Rehearsal—The Bridal Dinner—A Church +Wedding. + +III. THE ETIQUETTE OF TRAVEL Hints for the Correct +Pedestrianism—Description of a Walk around Philadelphia with a Pueblo +Indian in 1837—Travelling by Rail— Good Form on a Street Car—In the +Subway—Fun with an Old Gentleman’s Whiskers—A Honeymoon in a +Subway—Travelling under Steam-A Correct Night in a Pullman-What Burton +Holmes Found in His Lower Berth. + +IV. AT THE CONCERT AND THE OPERA Listening to a Symphony +Orchestra—Curious Effect of Debussy’s “Apres-midi d’un Faune” and four +gin fizzes on Uncle Frederick—“No, fool like an old fool”—Correct +Behavior at a Piano Recital—Choosing One’s Nearest Exit—In a Box at the +Opera—What a Kansas City Society Leader Did with Her Old Victrola +Records. + +V. ETIQUETTE FOR DRY AGENTS Some Broader Aspects of +Prohibition—Interesting Effect of Whisky on Goldfish—The College +Graduate as Dry Agent—Aunt Emily’s Amusing Experiences with a Quart of +Gin Planning a Dry Raid on a Masquerade Ball A Word About Correct +Costumes—A California Motion Picture Actress’s Bad Taste—Good Form for +Dry Agents During a Raid-What the New York Clubman Said About Mr. +Volstead. + +VI. A CHAPTER FOR SCHOOLGIRLS Selecting a Proper School—Account of an +Interesting Trip Down the Eric Canal with Miss Spence—Correct Equipment +for the Schoolgirl—En Route—ln New York—A journey Around the +City—Description of the Visit of Ed. Pinaud to the Aquarium in 1858—The +First Days in the New School—“After Lights” in a Dormitory—An “Old +Schoolgirl’s” Confessions—Becoming Acclimatized—A Visitor from +Princeton-Strange Pets. + +VII. THE ETIQUETTE OF GAMES AND SPORTS Golf as a Pastime—What Henry +Ward Beecher Said When He Broke His Niblic—An Afternoon at the Old Farm +with the Dice—“Shoot you for your ear trumpet, grandfather!”—Correct +Behavior on a Picnic—A Swedish Nobleman’s Curious Method of Eating +Potato Chips—Boxing in American Society—A Good Joke on an Amateur +Boxer—“He didn’t know it was Jack Dempsey!”—Bridge Whist—Formal and +Informal Drinking—A jolly Hallowe’en Party—Invitations—Receiving the +Guests—How to Mystify—Games. + +VIII. CORRESPONDENCE AND INVITATIONS Correspondence for Young +Ladies—College Boys How to Order a Full Dress Suit by Mail—Letters to +Parents—A Prominent Retired Bank President’s Advice to +Correspondents—Letters from Parents—Peculiarities of the Divorce Laws +of New York—Letters to Prospective Fathers-in-Law—A Correct Form of +Letter to a Society Matron Asking Her How About that Grocery Bill for +Eighty-Two Dollars and Sixty-Seven Cents—Love Letters—Correspondence of +Public Officials—-Letters to Strangers—Letters to Newspapers, +Magazines, etc.—Invitations, Acceptances and Regrets. + +IX. THE ETIQUETTE OF DINNERS AND BALLS Formal Dinners in America-Table +Manners for Children—Removing Stains from Gray Silk—A Child’s Garden of +Etiquette—Etiquette in the School—Conversation at Dinner—What a New +Jersey Lady Did with Her Olive Seeds—Stewart’s Lightning Calculator of +Dinner Table Conversation—“It Seems that Pat and Mike”—Balls and +Dances—-Artificial Respiration—Mixed Dancing—Hints for Stags. A Word of +Warning and Encouragement + + + + +CHAPTER ONE: THE ETIQUETTE OF COURTSHIP + + + A FEW WORDS ABOUT LOVE + + Courtship is one of the oldest of social customs, even antedating + in some countries such long-established usages as marriage, or + the wearing of white neckties with full evening dress. The + beginnings of the etiquette of courtship were apparently + connected in some way with the custom of “love” between the + sexes, and many of the old amatory forms still survive in the + modern courtship. It is generally agreed among students of the + history of etiquette that when “love” first began to become + popular among the better class of younger people they took to it + with such avidity that it was necessary to devise some sort of + rules for the conduct of formal or informal love-making. These + rules, together with various amendments, now constitute the + etiquette of courtship. + + Suppose, for example, that you are a young gentleman named + Richard Roe desirous of entering upon a formal courtship with + some refined young girl of fashion. You are also, being a college + graduate, engaged in the bond business. One morning there comes + into your financial institution a young lady, named Dorothy Doe, + who at once attracts your attention by her genteel manners, as + exemplified by the fact that she calls the president of your + company “father.” So many young people seem to think it “smart” + to refer to their parents as “dad” or “my old man”; you are + certain, as soon as you hear her say “Hello, father” to your + employer, that she is undoubtedly a worthy object of courtship. + + CORRECT INTRODUCTIONS; HOW TO MAKE THEM + + Your first step should be, of course, the securing of an + introduction. Introductions still play an important part in + social intercourse, and many errors are often perpetrated by + those ignorant of _savoir faire_ (correct form). When introducing + a young lady to a stranger for example, it is not _au fait_ + (correct form) to simply say, “Mr. Roe, I want you to shake hands + with my friend Dorothy.” Under the rules of the _beau monde_ + (correct form) this would probably be done as follows: “Dorothy + (or Miss Doe), shake hands with Mr. Roe.” Always give the name of + the lady first, unless you are introducing some one to the + President of the United States, the Archbishop of Canterbury, a + member of the nobility above a baron, or a customer. The person + who is being “introduced” then extends his (or her) right + ungloved hand and says, “Shake.” You “shake,” saying at the same + time, “It’s warm (cool) for November (May),” to which the other + replies, “I’ll say it is.” + + This brings up the interesting question of introducing two people + to each other, neither of whose names you can remember. This is + generally done by saying very quickly to one of the parties, “Of + course you know Miss Unkunkunk.” Say the last “unk” very quickly, + so that it sounds like any name from Ab to Zinc. You might even + sneeze violently. Of course, in nine cases out of ten, one of the + two people will at once say, “I didn’t get the name,” at which + you laugh, “Ha! Ha! Ha!” in a carefree manner several times, + saying at the same time, “Well, well—so you didn’t get the + name—you didn’t get the name—well, well.” If the man still + persists in wishing to know who it is to whom he is being + introduced, the best procedure consists in simply braining him on + the spot with a club or convenient slab of paving stone. + + The “introduction,” in cases where you have no mutual friend to + do the introducing, is somewhat more difficult but can generally + be arranged as follows: + + Procure a few feet of stout manila rope or clothes-line, from any + of the better-class hardware stores. Ascertain (from the Social + Register, preferably) the location of the young lady’s residence, + and go there on some dark evening about nine o’clock. Fasten the + rope across the sidewalk in front of the residence about six + inches or a foot from the ground. Then, with the aid of a match + and some kerosene, set fire to the young lady’s house in several + places and retire behind a convenient tree. After some time, if + she is at home, she will probably be forced to run out of her + house to avoid being burned to death. In her excitement she will + fail to notice the rope which you have stretched across the + sidewalk and will fall. This is your opportunity to obtain an + introduction. Stepping up to her and touching your hat politely, + you say, in a well modulated voice, “I beg your pardon, Miss Doe, + but I cannot help noticing that you are lying prone on the + sidewalk.” If she is well bred, she will not at first speak to + you, as you are a perfect stranger. This silence, however, should + be your cue to once more tip your hat and remark, “I realize, + Miss Doe, that I have not had the honor of an introduction, but + you will admit that you are lying prone on the sidewalk. Here is + my card—and here is one for Mrs. Doe, your mother.” At that you + should hand her two plain engraved calling cards, each containing + your name and address. If there are any other ladies in her + family—aunts, grandmothers, et cetera—it is correct to leave + cards for them also. Be sure that the cards are clean, as the + name on the calling card is generally sufficient for + identification purposes without the addition of the thumbprint. + + When she has accepted your cards, she will give you one of hers, + after which it will be perfectly correct for you to assist her to + rise from the sidewalk. Do not, however, press your attentions + further upon her at this time, but after expressing the proper + regret over her misfortune it would be well to bow and retire. + +[Illustration] + +Table Manners Betray One’s Bringing-Up _Every one knows that table +manners betray one’s bringing-up mercilessly. The young man in the +picture has good reason to wish a meteorite would fall on him. His +perpendicularity has just been restored by a deft upward movement of +Aunt Harriet’s shoulder, upon which he had inadvertently rested his +head during a quiet snooze while Cousin Edna was making her little +speech at the Bridal Dinner._ PERFECT BEHAVIOR _would have Pasteurized +him against even Bridal Dinners_. + +[Illustration] + +Hat? Toupee? or Book? _When a woman recognizes and nods to a man to +whom she has been formally introduced several times, or to whom she has +been married, is the man expected to accept the greeting and politely +lift his hat or should he lift both his hat and his toupee? Street +etiquette is disposed authoritatively and finally in_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR. + +[Illustration] + +Park Benches and Their Uses _You are, let us pretend, walking in the +park. You come upon two benches arranged as shown in the above diagram. +Would you know which bench it would be proper to sit on if you are (1) +a young man just out of college—(2) a rather homely young woman? To +avoid embarrassment look this up in_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR. + +[Illustration] + +Travelling with a Player Piano _A jolly crowd is boarding the 4:56 for +a house-party in the suburbs. The gentleman at the right, having been +educated abroad, has never learned to play the ukelele, the banjo, the +jew’s harp or the saxophone, and is, with the best intentions in the +world, attempting to contribute his share to the gaiety of the coming +evenings by bringing along his player-piano. Would you—be honest!—have +recognized his action as a serious social blunder without having +referred to_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR? + +[Illustration] + +A Child, a Banana, A Hard-Boiled Egg _The young mother in the picture +is traveling from one point to another in a Pullman. In the effort to +commit as great a nuisance as possible, she has provided her child with +a banana and a hard boiled egg. Not having dipped into the chapter on +travel in_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR, _she is ignorant of the fact that a peach +would have produced quite as much mess and far more permanent stains +and a folding cup for the water cooler would have spread the +disturbance over a wider area_. + + CARDS AND FLOWERS + + The next day, however, you should send flowers, enclosing another + of your cards. It might be well to write some message on the card + recalling the events of the preceding evening—nothing intimate, + but simply a reminder of your first meeting and a suggestion that + you might possibly desire to continue the acquaintanceship. + Quotations from poetry of the better sort are always appropriate; + thus, on this occasion, it might be nice to write on the card + accompanying the flowers—“‘This is the forest primeval’—H. W. + Longfellow,” or “‘Take, oh take, those lips away’—W. + Shakespeare.” You will find there are hundreds of lines equally + appropriate for this and other occasions, and in this connection + it might be well to display a little originality at times by + substituting pertinent verses of your own in place of the + conventional quotations. For example—“This is the forest + primeval, I regret your last evening’s upheaval,” shows the young + lady in question that not only are you well-read in classic + poetry, but also you have no mean talent of your own. Too much + originality, however, is dangerous, especially in polite social + intercourse, and I need hardly remind you that the floors of the + social ocean are watered with the tears of those who seek to walk + on their own hook. + + Within a week after you have sent the young lady the flowers, you + should receive a polite note of thanks, somewhat as follows: “My + dear Mr. Roe: Those lovely flowers came quite as a surprise. They + are lovely, and I cannot thank you enough for your + thoughtfulness. Their lovely fragrance fills my room as I write, + and I wish to thank you again. It was lovely of you.” + + FLOWERS AND THEIR MESSAGE IN COURTSHIP + + It is now time to settle down to the more serious business of + courtship. Her letter shows beyond the shadow of a figurative + doubt that she is “interested,” and the next move is “up to you.” + Probably she will soon come into the office to see her father, in + which case you should have ready at hand some appropriate gift, + such as, for example, a nice potted geranium. Great care should + be taken, however, that it is a plant of the correct species, for + in the etiquette of courtship all flowers have different meanings + and many a promising affair has been ruined because a suitor sent + his lady a buttercup, meaning “That’s the last dance I’ll ever + take you to, you big cow,” instead of a plant with a more tender + significance. Some of the commoner flowers and their meaning in + courtship are as follows: + + Fringed Gentian—“I am going out to get a shave. Back at 3:30.” + + Poppy—“I would be proud to be the father of your children.” + + Golden-rod—“I hear that you have hay-fever.” + + Tuberose—“Meet me Saturday at the Fourteenth Street subway + station.” + + Blood-root—“Aunt Kitty murdered Uncle Fred Thursday.” + + Dutchman’s Breeches—“That case of Holland gin and Old Tailor has + arrived. Come on over.” + + Iris—“Could you learn to love an optician?” + + Aster—“Who was that stout Jewish-looking party I saw you with in + the hotel lobby Friday?” + + Deadly Nightshade—“Pull down those blinds, quick!” + + Passion Flower—“Phone Main 1249—ask for Eddie.” + + Raspberry—“I am announcing my engagement to Charlie O’Keefe + Tuesday.” + + Wild Thyme—“I have seats for the Hippodrome Saturday afternoon.” + + The above flowers can also be combined to make different + meanings, as, for example, a bouquet composed of three tuberoses + and some Virginia creeper generally signifies the following, “The + reason I didn’t call for you yesterday was that I had three inner + tube punctures, besides a lot of engine trouble in that old car I + bought in Virginia last year. Gosh, I’m sorry!” + + But to return to the etiquette of our present courtship. As Miss + Doe leaves the office you follow her, holding the potted plant in + your left hand. After she has gone a few paces you step up to + her, remove your hat (or cap) with your right hand, and offer her + the geranium, remarking, “I beg your pardon, miss, but didn’t you + drop this?” A great deal depends upon the manner in which you + offer the plant and the way she receives it. If you hand it to + her with the flower pointing upward it means, “Dare I hope?” + Reversed, it signifies, “Your petticoat shows about an inch, or + an inch and a half.” If she receives the plant in her right hand, + it means, “I am”; left hand, “You are”; both hands—“He, she or it + is.” If, however, she takes the pot firmly in both hands and + breaks it with great force on your head, the meaning is usually + negative and your only correct course of procedure is a hasty bow + and a brief apology. + + RECEIVING AN INVITATION TO CALL + + Let us suppose, however, that she accepts the geranium in such a + manner that you are encouraged to continue the acquaintance. Your + next move should be a request for an invitation to call upon her + at her home. This should, above all things, not be done crudely. + It is better merely to suggest your wish by some indirect method + such as, “Oh—so you live on William Street. Well, well! I often + walk on William Street in the evening, but I have never called on + any girl there—_yet_.” The “yet” may be accompanied by a slight + raising of your eyebrows, a wink, or a friendly nudge with your + elbow. Unless she is unusually “dense” she will probably “take + the hint” and invite you to come and see her some evening. At + once you should say, “_What_ evening? How about _to-night_?” If + she says that she is already engaged for that evening, take a + calendar out of your pocket and remark, “Tomorrow? Wednesday? + Thursday? Friday? I really have no engagements between now and + October. Saturday? Sunday?” This will show her that you are + really desirous of calling upon her and she will probably say, + “Well, I think I am free Thursday night, but you had better + telephone me first.” + + THE ETIQUETTE OF TELEPHONING + + On Thursday morning, therefore, you should go to a public + telephone-booth in order to call the young lady’s house. The + etiquette of telephoning is quite important and many otherwise + perfectly well-bred people often make themselves conspicuous + because they do not know the correct procedure in using this + modern but almost indispensable invention. Upon entering the + telephone-booth, which is located, say, in some drug store, you + remove the receiver from the hook and deposit the requisite coin + in the coin box. After an interval of some minutes a young lady + (referred to as “Central”) will ask for your “Number, please.” + Suppose, for example, that you wish to get Bryant 4310. Remove + your hat politely and speak that number into the mouthpiece. + “Central” will then say, “Rhinelander 4310.” To which you reply, + “NO, Central—_Bryant_ 4310.” Central then says, “I beg your + pardon—Bryant 4310,” to which you reply, “Yes, please.” In a few + minutes a voice at the other end of the line says, “Hello,” to + which you answer, “Is Miss Doe at home?” The voice then says, + “Who?” You say, “Miss Doe, please—Miss Dorothy Doe.” You then + hear the following, “Wait a minute. Say, Charlie, is they anybody + works around here by the name of Doe? There’s a guy wants to talk + to a Miss Doe. Here—you answer it.” Another voice then says, + “Hello.” You reply “Hello.” He says, “What do you want?” You + reply, “I wish to speak to Miss Dorothy Doe.” He says, “What + department does she work in?” You reply, “Is this the residence + of J. Franklin Doe, President of the First National Bank?” He + says, “Wait a minute.” You wait a minute. You wait several. + Another voice—a new voice says-“Hello.” You reply “Hello.” He + says, “Give me Stuyvesant 8864.” You say, “But I’m trying to get + Miss Doe—Miss Dorothy Doe.” He says, “Who?” You say, “Is this the + residence of—” He says, “Naw—this is Goebel Brothers, Wholesale + Grocers—what number do you want?” You say, “Bryant 4310.” He + says, “Well, this is Rhinelander 4310.” You then hang up the + receiver and count twenty. The telephone bell then rings, and + inasmuch as you are the only person near the phone you take up + the receiver and say, “Hello.” A female voice, says, “Hello, + dearie—don’t you know who this is?” You say, politely but firmly, + “No.” She says, “Guess!” You guess “Mrs. Warren G. Harding.” She + says, “No. This is Ethel. Is Walter there?” You reply, “Walter?” + She says, “Ask him to come to the phone, will you? He lives + up-stairs over the drug store. Just yell ‘Walter’ at the third + door down the hall. Tell him Ethyl wants to speak to him—no, + wait—tell him it’s Madge.” Being a gentleman, you comply with the + lady’s request. After bringing Walter to the phone, you + obligingly wait for some twenty minutes while he converses with + Ethel—no, Madge. When he has finished, you once more enter the + booth and tell “Central” you want Bryant 4310. After a few + minutes “Central” says, “What number did you call?” You say + patiently, “Bryant 4310.” She replies, “Bryant 4310 has been + changed to Schuyler 6372.” You ask for Schuyler 6372. Finally a + woman’s voice says, “Yass.” You say, “Is Miss Doe in?” She + replies, “Yass.” You say, “May I speak to her?” She says, “Who?” + You reply, “You said Miss Doe was at home, didn’t you?” She + replies, “Yass.” You say, “Well, may I speak to her?” The voice + says, “Who?” You shout, “Miss Doe.” The voice says, “She ban + out.” You shriek, “Oh, go to hell!” and assuming a graceful, easy + position in the booth, you proceed to tear the telephone from the + wall. Later on in the day, when you have two or three hours of + spare time, you can telephone Miss Doe again and arrange for the + evening’s visit. + +[Illustration] + +A Crude Bridegroom _Not realizing his mistake, the Groom stands waiting +for the Bridal Procession, apparently in high spirits and the best of +health. Such an attitude toward a wedding is in the worst possible +taste._ PERFECT BEHAVIOR _tells all about the correct appearance and +conduct of Bridegrooms_. + +[Illustration] + +A Best Man’s Blunder _The Best Man has just been introduced to the Maid +of Honor. Instead of waiting for her to extend her hand and make the +acknowledgment, he has turned on his heel and bolted from the room. +This constitutes a social blunder, after the commission of which he +could never again, in polite society, be considered quite a gentleman_. +PERFECT BEHAVIOR _would have told him how the man of birth and breeding +learns to face anything with perfect “Sang froid.”_ + +[Illustration] + +The Pun “De Rigueur” _The Groom has just presented his Best Man to his +sister, who, though she is more than eager to make every one feel at +home, has failed to make at once the pun “de rigueur” on the words +“best man.” An awkward silence has ensued. What is to be done? Should +one of the gentlemen fill the breach by making the pun for her? If so, +which?_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR _covers the whole subject of making the “best +man” pun authoritatively._ + +[Illustration] + +The Young Man Doesn’t Know How to Drink _The young man at the right +does not know how to drink. Nevertheless, he has been selected by a +friend to act as Best Man at his wedding and has attended the Bachelor +Dinner. Instead of doing what he should do under the circumstances, he +is making himself conspicuous by remaining coherent while the others +sing “Mademoiselle from Alabam’.” Had the Bridegroom provided himself +with a copy of_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR _he would have known better than to +have selected him._ + + MAKING THE FIRST CALL + + The custom of social “calls” between young men and young women is + one of the prettiest of etiquette’s older conventions, and one + around which clusters a romantic group of delightful traditions. + In this day and generation, what with horseless carriages, + electric telephones and telegraphs, and dirigible gas bags, a + great many of the older forms have been allowed to die out, + greatly, I believe, to our discredit. “Speed, not manners,” seems + to be the motto of this century. I hope that there still exist a + few young men who care enough about “good form” to study + carefully to perfect themselves in the art of “calling.” Come, + Tom, Dick and Harry—drop your bicycles for an afternoon and fill + your minds with something besides steam engines and pneumatic + tires! + + The first call at the home of any young lady of fashion is an + extremely important social function, and too great care can not + be taken that you prepare yourself thoroughly in advance. It + would be well to leave your work an hour or two earlier in the + afternoon, so that you can go home and practice such necessary + things as entering or leaving a room correctly. Most young men + are extremely careless in this particular, and unless you + rehearse yourself thoroughly in the proper procedure you are apt + to find later on to your dismay that you have made your exit + through a window onto the fire-escape instead of through the + proper door. + + CONVERSATION AND SOME OF ITS USES + + Your conversation should also be planned more or less in advance. + Select some topic in which you think your lady friend will be + interested, such as, for example, the removal of tonsils and + adenoids, and “read up” on the subject so that you can discuss it + in an intelligent manner. Find out, for example, how many people + had tonsils removed in February, March, April. Contrast this with + the same figures for 1880, 1890, 1900. Learn two or three amusing + anecdotes about adenoids. Consult Bartlett’s “Familiar + Quotations” for appropriate verses dealing with tonsils and + throat troubles. Finally, and above all, take time to glance + through four or five volumes of Dr. Eliot’s Five Foot Shelf, for + nothing so completely marks the cultivated man as the ability to + refer familiarly to the various volumes of the Harvard classics. + + A PROPER CALL + + Promptly at the time appointed you should arrive at the house + where the young lady is staying. In answer to your ring a German + police dog will begin to bark furiously inside the house, and a + maid will finally come to the door. Removing your hat and one + glove, you say, “Is Miss Doe home?” The maid replies, “Yass, ay + tank so.” You give her your card and the dog rushes out and bites + you on either the right or left leg. You are then ushered into a + room in which is seated an old man with a long white beard. He is + fast asleep. “Dot’s grampaw,” says the maid, to which you reply, + “Oh.” She retires, leaving you alone with grampaw. After a while + he opens his eyes and stares at you for a few minutes. He then + says, “Did the dog bite you?” You answer, “Yes, sir.” Grampaw + then says, “He bites everybody,” and goes back to sleep. + Reassured, you light a cigaret. A little boy and girl then come + to the door, and, after examining you carefully for several + minutes, they burst into giggling laughter and run away. You feel + to see if you have forgotten to put on a necktie. A severe + looking old lady then enters the room. You rise and bow. “I am + Miss Doe’s grandmother. Some one has been smoking in here,” she + says, and sits down opposite you. Her remark is not, however, a + hint for a cigaret and you should not make the mistake of saying, + “I’ve only got Fatimas, but if you care to try one—” It should be + your aim to seek to impress yourself favorably upon every member + of the young lady’s family. Try to engage the grandmother in + conversation, taking care to select subjects in which you feel + she would be interested. Conversation is largely the art of + “playing up” to the other person’s favorite subject. In this + particular case, for example, it would be a mistake to say to + Miss Doe’s grandmother, “Have you ever tried making synthetic + gin?” or “Do you think any one will _ever_ lick Dempsey?” A more + experienced person, and some one who had studied the hobbies of + old people, would probably begin by remarking, “Well, I see that + Jeremiah Smith died of cancer Thursday,” or “That was a lovely + burial they gave Mrs. Watts, wasn’t it?” If you are tactful, you + should soon win the old lady’s favor completely, so that before + long she will tell you all about her rheumatism and what grampaw + can and can’t eat. + + Finally Miss Doe arrives. Her first words are, “Have you been + waiting long? Hilda didn’t tell me you were here,” to which you + reply, “No—I just arrived.” She then says, “Shall we go in the + drawing-room?” The answer to this is, “For God’s sake, yes!” In a + few minutes you find yourself alone in the drawing-room with the + lady of your choice and the courtship proper can then begin. + + The best way to proceed is gradually to bring the conversation + around to the subject of the “modern girl.” After your + preliminary remarks about tonsils and adenoids have been + thoroughly exhausted, you should suddenly say, “Well I don’t + think girls—nice girls—are really that way.” She replies, of + course, “_What_ way?” You answer, “Oh, the way they are in these + modern novels. This ‘petting,’ for instance.” She says, “_What_ + petting’?” You walk over and sit down on the sofa beside her. + “Oh,” you say, “these novelists make me sick—they seem to think + that in our generation every time a young man and woman are left + alone on a lounge together, they haven’t a thing better to do + than put out the light and ‘pet.’ It’s disgusting, isn’t it?” + “Isn’t it?” she agrees and reaching over she accidentally pulls + the lamp cord, which puts out the light. + + On your first visit you should not stay after 12:30. + + THE PROPOSAL PROPER + + About the second or third month of a formal courtship it is + customary for the man to propose matrimony, and if the girl has + been “out” for three or four years and has several younger + sisters coming along, it is customary for her to accept him. They + then become “engaged,” and the courtship is concluded. + + + + +CHAPTER TWO: THE ETIQUETTE OF ENGAGEMENTS AND WEDDINGS + + + THE HISTORIC ASPECT + + “Matrimony,” sings Homer, the poet, “is a holy estate and not + lightly to be entered into.” The “old Roman” is right. + + A modern wedding is one of the most intricate and exhausting of + social customs. Young men and women of our better classes are now + forced to devote a large part of their lives to acting as brides, + grooms, ushers and bridesmaids at various elaborate nuptials. + Weeks are generally required in preparation for an up-to-date + wedding; months are necessary in recovering from such an affair. + Indeed, some of the participants, notably the bride and groom, + never quite get over the effects of a marriage. + + It was not “always thus.” Time was when the wedding was a + comparatively simple affair. In the Paleolithic Age, for example, + (as Mr. H. G. Wells of England points out in his able “Outline of + History”), there is no evidence of any particular ceremony + conjunctive with the marriage of “a male and a female.” Even with + the advent of Neolithic man, a wedding seems to have been + consummated by the rather simple process of having the bridegroom + crack the bride over the head with a plain, unornamented stone + ax. There were no ushers—no bridesmaids. But shortly after that + (c- 10,329—30 B.C. to be exact) two young Neoliths named Haig, + living in what is now supposed to be Scotland, discovered that + the prolonged distillation of common barley resulted in the + creation of an amber-colored liquid which, when taken internally, + produced a curious and not unpleasant effect. + + This discovery had—and still has—a remarkable effect upon the + celebration of the marriage rite. Gradually there grew up around + the wedding a number of customs. With the Haig brothers’ + discovery of Scotch whiskey began, as a matter of course, the + institution of the “bachelor dinner.” “Necessity is the mother of + invention,” and exactly twelve years after the first “bachelor + dinner” came the discovery of bicarbonate of soda. From that time + down to the present day the history of the etiquette of weddings + has been that of an increasing number of intricate forms and + ceremonies, each age having added its particular bit of ritual. + The modern wedding may be said to be, therefore, almost an + “Outline of History” itself. + + ANNOUNCING THE ENGAGEMENT + + Let us begin, first of all, with the duties of one of the minor + characters at a wedding—the Groom. Suppose that you are an + eligible young man named Richard Roe, who has just become + “engaged” to a young lady named Dorothy Doe. If you really intend + to “marry the girl,” it is customary that some formal + announcement of the engagement be made, for which you must have + the permission of Miss Dorothy and her father. It is not + generally difficult to become engaged to most girls, but it will + surprise you to discover how hard it is to get the young lady + whom you believe to be your fiancée to consent to a public + announcement of the fact. The reason for this probably is that an + engagement which has been “announced” often leads to matrimony, + and matrimony, in polite society, often lasts for several years. + After you have secured the girl’s permission, it is next + necessary that you notify her father of the engagement. In this + particular case, as he happens to be your employer, the + notification can take place in his office. First of all, however, + it would be advisable to prepare some sort of speech in advance. + Aim to put him as far as possible at his ease, lead up to the + subject gradually and tactfully. Abruptness is never “good form.” + The following is suggested as a possible model. “Good morning, + Mr. Doe, say, I heard a good story from a traveling salesman last + night. It seems that there was a young married couple—(here + insert a good story about a young married couple). Wasn’t that + _rich_? Yes, sir, marriage is a great thing—a great institution. + Every young man ought to get married, don’t you think? You do? + Well, Mr. Doe, I’ve got a surprise for you, (here move toward the + door). I’m going to (here open the door) marry (step out of the + room) your daughter” (close the door quickly). + + THE BRIDE-TO-BE + + Before the public announcement of the engagement it is customary + for the bride-to-be to write personal letters to all other young + men to whom she happens to be engaged at the time. These notes + should be kindly, sympathetic and tactful. The same note can be + written to all, provided there is no chance of their comparing + notes. The following is suggested: + + “Dear Bob— + + Bob, I want you to be the very first to know that I am engaged to + Richard Roe. I want you to like him, Bob, because he is a fine + fellow and I would rather have you like him than any one I know. + I feel that he and I shall be very happy together, and I want you + to be the first to know about it. Your friendship will always + remain one of the brightest things in my life, Bob, but, of + course, I probably won’t be able to go to the Aiken dance with + you now. Please don’t tell anybody about it yet. I shall never + forget the happy times you and I had together, Bob, and will you + please return those silly letters of mine. I am sending you + yours.” + +[Illustration] + +Ignorance of Sporting Terms Betrays the “Cockney” _Nothing so +completely betrays the “Cockney” as a faulty knowledge of sporting +terms. The young lady at the left has just returned from the hunting +field hand-in-hand with the dashing “lead,” who happens to be an +eligible billionaire. Her hostess, the mother of the sub-deb at the +right, has greeted her by hissing, “S—o—o! I see you’ve had a good +day’s hunting!” The use of this unsportsmanlike expression—in stead of +the correct “Hope you had a good run,” or “Where did you find?”—at once +discloses the hostess’s mean origin and the young lady will almost +certainly never accept another invitation to her house._ + +[Illustration] + +Proper Attitude Towards the Hostess’ Furniture _In this work-a-day +world, one is likely to forget that there is an etiquette of pleasure, +just as there is an etiquette of dancing or the opera. One often hears +a charming hostess refuse to invite this or that person to her home for +a game of billiards on the ground that he or she is a “bum sport” or a +“rotten loser.” The above scene illustrates one of the little, but +conspicuous, blunders that people make. The gentleman, having missed +his fifth consecutive shot, has broken his cue over his knee and is +ripping the baize off the table with the sharp end. This display is not +in the best taste._ + +[Illustration] + +Correct Bathing Costumes for Ladies _Good form at the beach is still a +question of debate. Some authorities on the subject insist that the +Rubenesque type is preferable, while others claim that the Byzantine is +more fashionable. One thing is certain—it is absolutely incorrect for +ladies who weigh less than 75 or more than 275 pounds (avoirdupois) to +appear in costumes that would offend against modesty. It is also +considered rude to hold one’s swimming partner under water for more +then the formal quarter of an hour._ + + THE ENGAGEMENT LUNCHEON + + The engagement is generally announced at a luncheon given by the + parents of the prospective bride. This is usually a small affair, + only fifteen or twenty of the most intimate friends of the + engaged “couple” being invited. It is one of the customs of + engagement luncheons that all the guests shall be tremendously + surprised at the news, and great care should be taken to aid them + in carrying out this tradition. On the invitations, for example, + should be written some misleading phrase, such as “To meet + General Pershing” or “Not to Announce the Engagement of our + Daughter.” + + The announcement itself which should be made soon after the + guests are seated, offers a splendid opportunity for the display + of originality and should aim to afford the guest a surprise and + perhaps a laugh, for laughter of a certain quiet kind is often + welcome at social functions. One of the most favored methods of + announcing an engagement is by the use of symbolic figures + embodying the names of the affianced pair. Thus, for example, in + the case of the present engagement of Richard Roe to Dorothy Doe + it would be “unique” to have the first course at luncheon consist + of a diminutive candy or paper-mache doe seated amorously upon a + heart shaped order of a shad roe. The guests will at first be + mystified, but soon cries of “Oh, how sweet!” will arise and + congratulations are then in order. Great care should be taken, + however, that the symbolic figures are not misunderstood; it + would be extremely embarrassing, for example, if in the above + instance, a young man named “Shad” or “Aquarium” were to receive + the congratulations instead of the proper person. Other + suggestions for symbolistic announcements of some of the more + common names are as follows: + + “_Cohan-O’Brien_”—ice cream cones on a plate of O’Brien potatoes. + + “_Ames-Green_—green ice cream in the shape of a man aiming at + something. + + “_Thorne-Hoyt_—figure of a man from Brooklyn pulling a thorn from + foot with expression on his face signifying “This hoits.” + + “_Bullitt-Bartlett_—bartlett pears full of small 22 or 33 calibre + bullets. + + “_Tweed-Ellis_”—frosted cake in the shape of Ellis Island with a + solitary figure of a man in a nice fitting tweed suit. + + “_Gordon-Fuller_”—two paper-mache figures—one representing a + young man full of Gordon gin, the other representing a young man + fuller. + + “_Hatch-Gillette_”—figure of a chicken surprised at having + hatched a safety razor. + + “_Graves-Colgate_”—figure of a man brushing his teeth in a + cemetery. + + “_Heinz-Fish_”—57 assorted small fish tastily arranged on one + plate. + + SELECTING THE BRIDAL PARTY + + AS soon as the engagement has been announced it is the duty of + the prospective bride to select a maid-of-honor and eight or ten + bridesmaids, while the groom must choose his best man and ushers. + In making these selections it should be carefully borne in mind + that no wedding party is complete without the following: + +1 bridesmaid who danced twice with the Prince of Wales. +2 Bridesmaids who never danced more than once with anybody. +1 bridesmaid who doesn’t “Pet.” +1 bridesmaid who was expelled from Miss Spence’s. +1 bridesmaid who talks “Southern.” +1 bridesmaid who met Douglas Fairbanks once. +1 bridesmaid who rowed on the crew at Wellesley. +1 usher who doesn’t drink anything. +9 ushers who drink anything. + + In some localities, following the announcement, it is customary + for the bride’s friends, to give for her a number of “showers.” + These are for the purpose of providing her with various + necessities for her wedded household life. These affairs should + be informal and only her dearest or wealthiest friends should be + invited. A clever bride will generally arrange secretly for + several of these “showers” by promising a certain percentage + (usually 15% of the gross up to $500.00 and 25% bonus on all over + that amount) to the friend who gives the party. Some of the more + customary “showers” of common household articles for the new + bride are toothpaste, milk of magnesia, screen doors, copies of + Service’s poems, Cape Cod lighters, pictures of “Age of + Innocence” and back numbers of the “Atlantic Monthly.” + + INVITATIONS AND WEDDING PRESENTS + + The proper time to send out invitations to a wedding is between + two and three weeks before the day set for the ceremony, although + the out-of-town invitations should be mailed in plenty of time to + allow the recipient to purchase and forward a suitable present. + As the gifts are received, a check mark should be placed after + the name of the donor, together with a short description of the + present and an estimate as to its probable cost. This list is to + be used later, at the wedding reception, in determining the + manner in which the bride is to greet the various guests. It has + been found helpful by many brides to devise some sort of memory + system whereby certain names immediately suggest certain + responses, thus: + + “Mr. Snodgrass—copy of ‘Highways and Byways in Old France’”—c. + $6.50—“how do you do, Mr. Snodgrass, have you met my mother?” + + “Mr. Brackett—Solid silver candlesticks—$68.50”—“hello, Bob, you + old peach. How about a kiss?” + + The real festivities of a wedding start about three days before + the ceremony, with the arrival of the “wedding party,” in which + party the most responsible position is that of best man. Let us + suppose that you are to be the best man at the Roe-Doe nuptials. + What are your duties? + + In the first place, you must prepare yourself for the wedding by + a course of training extending for over a month or more prior to + the actual event. It should be your aim to work yourself into + such a condition that you can go for three nights without sleep, + talk for hours to the most impossibly stupid of young women, and + consume an unending amount of alcohol. You are then prepared for + the bachelor dinner, the bridal dinner, the bridesmaids, the + wedding, and the wedding reception. + + DUTIES OF THE BEST MAN + + Upon your arrival in the city where the wedding is to take place + you will be met by the bridegroom, who will take you to the home + of the bride where you are to stay. There you are met by the + bride’s father. “This is my best man,” says the groom. “The best + man?” replies her father. “Well, may the best man win.” At once + you reply, “Ha! Ha! Ha!” He then says, “Is this your first visit + to Chicago?” to which the correct answer is, “Yes, sir, but I + hope it isn’t my last.” + + The bride’s mother then appears. “This is my best man,” says the + groom. “Well,” says she, “remember—the best man doesn’t always + win.” “Ha! Ha! Ha!” you at once reply. “Is this your first visit + to Chicago?” says she, to which you answer, “Yes—but I hope it + isn’t my last.” + + You are then conducted to your room, where you are left alone to + unpack. In a few minutes the door will open and a small boy + enter. This is the brother of the bride. You smile at him + pleasantly and remark, “Is this your first visit to Chicago?” + “What are you doing?” is his answer. “Unpacking,” you reply. + “What’s that?” says he. “A cutaway,” you reply. “What’s that?” + says he. “A collar bag.” “What’s that?” “A dress shirt.” “What’s + that?” says he. “Another dress shirt.” “What’s that?” says he. + “Say, listen,” you reply, “don’t I hear some one calling you?” + “No,” says he, “what’s that?” “That,” you reply, with a sigh of + relief, “is a razor. Here—take it and play with it.” In three + minutes, if you have any luck at all, the bride’s brother will + have cut himself severely in several places which will cause him + to run crying from the room. You can then finish unpacking. + + THE BRIDE’S TEA + + The first function of the pre-nuptial festivities is generally a + tea at the bride’s home, where the ushers and bridesmaids meet to + become “acquainted.” It is your duty, as best man, to go to the + hotel where the ushers are stopping and bring them to this tea. + Just as you will leave on this mission the groom will whisper in + your ear, “For God’s sake, remember to tell them that her father + and mother are terribly opposed to drinking in any form.” This is + an awfully good joke on her father and mother. + + As you step out of the hotel elevator you hear at the end of the + hall a chorus shouting, “Mademoiselle from Armentières—_parlez + vous!_” Those are your ushers. + + Opening the door of the room you step forward and announce, + “Fellows, we have got to go to a tea right away. Come on—let’s + go.” At this, ten young men in cutaways will stand up and shout, + “Yeaaa—the best man—give the best man a drink!” From then on, at + twelve minute intervals, it is your duty to say, “Fellows, we + have got to go to a tea right away. Come on—let’s go.” Each time + you will be handed another drink, which you may take with either + your right or left hand. + + After an hour the telephone will ring. It will be the groom. He + will say, “Everybody is waiting for you and the ushers,” to which + you reply, “We are just leaving.” He then says, “And don’t forget + to tell them what I told you about her father and mother.” + + You then hang up the receiver, take a drink in one hand and say, + “Fellows, I have a very solemn message for you. It’s a message + which is of deep importance to each one of us. Fellows—her father + and mother object to the use of alcohol in any form.” + + This statement will be greeted with applause and cheers. You will + all then take one more drink, put on your silk hats and gray + gloves, and leave the room singing, “Her father and mother object + to drink—_parlez vous_.” + + The tea given by the bride’s parents is generally a small affair + to which only the members of the wedding party are invited. When + you and the ushers arrive, you will find the bride, the maid of + honor and the bridesmaids waiting for you. As you enter the room, + make a polite bow to the bride’s father and mother, and be sure + to apologize for your lateness. Nothing so betrays the social + “oil can” as a failure to make a plausible excuse for tardiness. + Whenever you are late for a party you must always have ready some + good reason for your fault, such as, “Excuse me, Mrs. Doe, I’m + afraid I am a little late, but you see, just as I was dressing, + this filling dropped out of my tooth and I had to have it put + back in.” If the host and hostess seem to doubt your statement, + it would be well to show them the recalcitrant filling in + question, although if they are “well-bred” they will probably in + most cases take you at your word. + + THE MAID OF HONOR + + You and the ushers will then be introduced to the bridesmaids and + the maid of honor. As you meet this latter young lady, who is the + bride’s older sister and, of course, your partner for the + remainder of the wedding festivities, she will say, “The best + man? Well, they say that the best man wins... Ha! Ha! Ha!” This + puts her in class G 6 without further examination, and your only + hope of prolonging your life throughout the next two days lies in + the frequent and periodic administration of stimulants. + + THE BACHELOR DINNER AND AFTER + + That evening the groom gives for the best man and the ushers what + is known as a “bachelor dinner.” It is his farewell to his men + friends as he passes out of the state of bachelorhood. The formal + passing out generally occurs toward the end of the dinner, and is + a quaint ceremony participated in by most of those present. + + It is customary for the best man to wake up about noon of the + following day. You will not have the slightest idea as to where + you are or how you got there. You will be wearing your dress + trousers, your stiff or pleated bosom dress shirt, black socks + and pumps, and the coat of your pajamas. In one hand you will be + clutching a chrysanthemum. After a few minutes there will come a + low moan from the next bed. That is usually the groom, also in + evening dress with the exception that he has tried to put on the + trousers of your pajamas over his dress trousers. You then say, + “What happened?” to which he replies, “Oh, Judas.” You wait + several minutes. In the next room you hear the sound of a shower + bath and some one whistling. The bath stops; the whistling + continues. The door then opens and there enters one of the + ushers. He is the usher who always “feels great” the next day + after the bachelor dinner. He says to you, “Well, boys, you look + all in.” You do not reply. He continues, “Gosh, I feel fine.” You + make no response. He then begins to chuckle, “I don’t suppose you + remember,” he says, “what you said to the bride’s mother when I + brought you home last night.” You sit quickly up in bed. “What + did I say?” you ask. “Was I tight?” “Were you tight?” he replies, + still chuckling. “Don’t you remember what you said? And don’t you + remember trying to get the bride’s father to slide down the + banisters with you? Were you tight—Oh, my gosh!” He then exits, + chuckling. Statistics of several important life insurance + companies show that that type of man generally dies a violent + death before the age of thirty. + + THE REHEARSAL + + The rehearsal for the wedding is usually held in the church on + the afternoon preceding the day of the nuptials. The ushers, of + course, are an hour late, which gives the bridegroom (Bap.) an + opportunity to meet the minister (Epis.) and have a nice, long + chat about religion, while the best man (Atheist) talks to the + eighty-three year old sexton who buried the bride’s grandpa and + grandma and has knowed little Miss Dorothy come twenty years next + Michaelmas. The best man’s offer of twenty-five dollars, if the + sexton will at once bury the maid of honor, is generally refused + as a matter of courtesy. + + THE BRIDAL DINNER + + In the evening, the parents of the bride give the bridal dinner, + to which all the relatives and close friends of the family are + invited. Toasts are drunk in orange juice and rare old Virginia + Dare wine, and much good-natured fun is indulged in by all. + Speeches are usually made by the bride and groom, their parents, + the best man, the maid of honor, the minister and Aunt Harriet. + + Just a word about the speeches at a bridal dinner. Terrible! + + A CHURCH WEDDING + + On the day of the wedding the ushers should arrange to be at the + church an hour or so in advance of the time set for the ceremony. + They should be dressed in cutaways, with ties, gloves and + gardenias provided by the groom. + + It is the duty of the best man to dress the bridegroom for the + wedding. As you enter his room you see, lying half-dressed on the + bed, a pale, wan, emaciated creature, who is staring fixedly at + the ceiling. It is the happy bridegroom. His lips open. He speaks + feebly. “What time is it?” he says. You reply, “Two-thirty, old + man. Time to start getting dressed.” “Oh, my God!” says the + groom. Ten minutes pass. “What time is it?” says the groom. + “Twenty of three,” you reply. “Here’s your shirt.” “Oh, my God!” + says the groom. + + He takes the shirt and tries to put it on. You help him. “Better + have a little Scotch, old man,” you say. “What time is it?” he + replies. “Five of three,” you say. “Oh, my God!” says the groom. + + At three-thirty you and he are dressed in cutaways and promptly + at three-forty-two you arrive at the church. You are ushered into + a little side room where it is your duty to sit with the corpse + for the few brief hours which elapse between three-forty-five and + four o’clock. Occasionally he stirs and a faint spark of life + seems to struggle in his sunken eyes. His lips move feebly. You + bend over to catch his dying words. “Have—you—got—the ring?” he + whispers. “Yes,” you reply. “Everything’s fine. You look great, + too, old man.” The sound of the organ reaches your ears. The + groom groans. “Have you got the ring?” he says. + + Meanwhile the ushers have been performing their duty of showing + the invited guests to the various pews. A correctly trained usher + will always have ready some cheery word or sprightly bit of + conversation to make the guests feel perfectly at home as he + conducts them to their seats. “It’s a nice day, isn’t it?” is + suggested as a perfectly safe and yet not too unusual topic of + conversation. This can be varied by remarking, “Isn’t it a nice + day?” or in some cases, where you do not wish to appear too + forward, “Is it a nice day, or isn’t it?” An usher should also + remember that although he has on a cutaway, he is neither a + floor-walker nor a bond salesman, and remarks such as “Something + in a dotted Swiss?” or “Third aisle over—second pew—next the + ribbon goods,” are decidedly _non au fait_. + + The first two pews on each side of the center aisle are always + reserved for members of the immediate family, but it is a firmly + established custom that the ushers shall seat in these “family + pews” at least three people with whom the family are barely on + speaking terms. This slight error always causes Aunt Nellie and + Uncle Fred to sit up in the gallery with the family cook. + + With the arrival of the bride, the signal is given to the + organist to start the wedding march, usually either Mendelssohn’s + or Wagner’s. About this time the mother of the bride generally + discovers that the third candle from the left on the rear altar + has not been lighted, which causes a delay of some fifteen + minutes during which time the organist improvises one hundred and + seventy-three variations on the opening strains of the march. + + Finally all is adjusted and the procession starts down the aisle + led by the ushers swaying slowly side by side. It is always + customary for three or four of the eight ushers to have + absolutely no conception of time or rhythm, which adds a quaint + touch of uncertainty and often a little humor to the performance. + + After the Scotch mist left by the passing ushers has cleared, + there come the bridesmaids, the maid of honor, and then, leaning + on her father’s arm (unless, of course, her father is dead), the + bride. + + In the meantime, the bridegroom has been carried in by the best + man and awaits the procession at the foot of the aisle, which is + usually four hundred and forty yards long. The ushers and + bridesmaids step awkwardly to one side; the groom advances and a + hush falls over the congregation which is the signal for the + bride’s little niece to ask loudly, “What’s that funny looking + man going to do, Aunt Dotty?” + + Then follows the religious ceremony. + + Immediately after the church service, a reception is held at the + bride’s home, where refreshments are served and two hundred and + forty-two invited guests make the same joke about kissing the + bride. At the reception it is customary for the ushers and the + best man to crawl off in separate corners and die. + + The wedding “festivities” are generally concluded with the + disappearance of the bride, the bridegroom, one of the uninvited + guests and four of the most valuable presents. + +[Illustration] + +The Man of Refinement Controls His Emotions _The man of culture and +refinement, while always considerate to those beneath him in station, +never, under any circumstances, loses control of his emotions for an +instant. Though the gentleman-rider in the picture may be touchingly +fond of his steeplechase horse, it is unpardonably bad form for him to +make an exhibition of his affection while going over the brush in plain +view of numbers of total strangers. In doing so he simply is making a +“guy” of himself, and it is no more than he deserves if those in the +gallery raise their eyebrows at each other and smile knowingly._ + +[Illustration] + +Comparative Advantages of the Pen—the Phone _The Romans had a proverb, +“Litera scripta manet,” which means “The written letter remains.” The +subtle wisdom of these words was no doubt well known to the men of the +later Paleolithic Age before them, but evidently the gentleman in the +engraving never heard of it. If he had kept this simple little rule of +social correspondence in mind he would have avoided the painful +experience of hearing his obsolete emotions exposed to the eager ears +of twelve perfect strangers. It is customary nowadays for unmarried +elder sons of our most aristocratic families to express their +appreciation of the qualities of fascinating bachelor girls over the +sensible, though plebeian, telephone._ + + + + +CHAPTER THREE: THE ETIQUETTE OF TRAVEL + + + The etiquette of travel, like that of courtship and marriage, has + undergone several important changes with the advent of + “democracy” and the “mechanical age.” Time was when travel was + indulged in only by the better classes of society and the rules + of travellers’ etiquette were well defined and acknowledged by + all. But Yankee ingenuity has indeed brought the “mountain to + Mahomet”; the “iron horse” and the “Pullman coach” have, I + believe, come to stay, bringing with them many new customs and + manners for the well-bred gentleman or lady who would travel + correctly. Truly, the “old order changeth” and it is, perhaps, + only proper that one should keep (if you will pardon the use of + the word), “abreast” of the times. + + HINTS FOR THE CORRECT PEDESTRIAN + + Let us suppose, for example, that you are a young gentleman of + established social position in one of the many cities of our + great middle west, and it is your desire to travel from your home + to New York City for the purpose of viewing the many attractions + of that metropolis of which I need perhaps only mention the + Aquarium or Grant’s Tomb or the Eden Musee. Now there are many + ways of getting to New York, such as (a) on foot, (b) via “rail”; + it should be your first duty to select one of these methods of + transportation. Walking to New York (“a” above) is often rejected + because of the time and effort involved and it is undoubtedly + true that if one attempted to journey afoot from the middle west + one would probably be quite fatigued at the end of one’s journey. + The etiquette of walking, however, is the same for short as for + long distances, and I shall at this point give a few of the many + rules for correct behavior among pedestrians. + + In the first place, it is always customary in a city for a young + lady, either accompanied or unaccompanied, to walk on the + sidewalk. A young “miss” who persists in walking in the gutters + is more apt to lose than to make friends among the socially + “worth while.” + + Gentlemen, either with or without ladies, are never seen walking + after dark in the sewers or along the elevated, tracks. + + It is not _au fait_ for gentlemen or ladies wearing evening dress + to “catch on behind” passing ice wagons, trucks, etc.; the time + and energy saved are doubtfully repaid should one happen to be + driven thus past other members of one’s particular social “set.” + + Ladies walking alone on the street after dark do not speak to + gentlemen unless they have been previously introduced or are out + of work with winter coming on. + + A gentleman walking alone at night, when accosted by a young + woman whom he has not met socially, removes his hat politely, + bows and passes on, unless she looks awfully good. + + Débutantes meeting traffic policemen always bow first in America; + in the Continental countries, with their age-old flavor of + aristocratic court life, this custom is reversed. + + A bachelor, accompanied by a young unmarried woman, when stepping + accidentally into an open coal or sewer hole in the sidewalk, + removes his hat and gloves as inconspicuously as possible. + + It is never correct for young people of either “sex” to push + older ladies in front of swiftly approaching motor vehicles or + street cars. + + A young man, if run over by an automobile driven by a strange + lady, should lie perfectly still (unless dead) until an + introduction can be arranged; the person driving the car usually + speaks first. + + An unmarried woman, if run into and knocked down by a taxicab + driven by someone in her own “set,” usually says “Why the hell + don’t you look where you’re going?” to which the taxi driver, + removing his hat, replies “Why the hell don’t _you?_” + + A correct costume for gentlemen walking in the parks or streets + of a city, either before or after dark, consists of shoes (2), + socks (2), undergarments, trousers, shirt, necktie, collar, vest, + coat and hat. For pedestrians of the “opposite” sex the costume + is practically the same with the exception of the socks, + trousers, shirt, necktie, collar, vest and coat. However, many + women now affect “knickerbockers” and _vice versa_. + + A young lady of good breeding, when walking alone, should not + talk or laugh in a loud boisterous manner. “Capers” (e. g. + climbing trees, etc.), while good exercise and undoubtedly + fashionable in certain “speedy” circles, are of questionable + taste for ladies, especially if indulged in to excess or while + walking with young gentlemen on the Sabbath. Sport is sport, and + no one loves a stiff game of “fives” or “rounders” more than I, + but the spectacle of a young unmarried lady and her escort + hanging by their limbs on the Lord’s Day from the second or third + cross arm of an electric telegraph pole is certainly carrying + things a bit too far, in my opinion, even in this age of “golf” + and lawn “tennis.” + + A young gentleman escorting a young lady on foot to a formal ball + or the opera should walk on the outside, especially if they are + both in evening dress and have a long distance to go. It is never + incorrect to suggest the use of a street car, or as one gets near + the Opera House, a carriage or a “taxicab.” + + A young man walking with a young lady, when accosted by a beggar, + always gives the beggar something unless the young lady is his + wife or his sister. + + So much for pedestrians. I can not, of course, pretend to give + here all the rules for those who “go afoot” and I can only say + that the safest principle for correct behavior in this, as in + many social matters, is the now famous reply Thomas Edison once + made to the stranger who asked him with what he mixed his paints + in order to get such marvellous effects. “One part inspiration,” + replied the great inventor, “and NINE parts perspiration.” In + other words, etiquette is not so much a matter of “genius” as of + steady application to small details. + + TRAVELLING BY RAIL + + In America much of the travelling is done by “rail.” The + etiquette of railroad behavior is extremely complicated, + especially if one is forced to spend the night _en route_ (on the + way) and many and ludicrous are the mistakes made by those whose + social training has apparently fitted them more for a freight car + than for an up-to-date “parlor” or “Pullman” coach. + + GOOD FORM ON A STREET CAR + + Let us, first of all, however, take up some of the simpler forms + of rail transportation, such as, for example, the electric street + or “tram” car now to be seen on the main highways and byways of + all our larger cities. The rules governing behavior on these + vehicles often appear at first quite complicated, but when one + has learned the “ropes,” as they say in the Navy, one should have + no difficulty. + + An elderly lady with a closed umbrella, for example, desiring to + take a street car, should always stand directly under a large + sign marked “Street Cars Do Not Stop On This Corner.” As the car + approaches she should run quickly out to the car tracks and + signal violently to the motorman with the umbrella. As the car + whizzes past without stopping she should cease signalling, remark + “Well I’ll be God damned!” and return to the curbstone. After + this performance has been repeated with three successive cars she + should then walk slowly out and lie down, in a dignified manner, + across the car tracks. In nine cases out of ten the motorman of + the next “tram” will see her lying there and will be gentleman + enough to stop his car. + + When this happens the elderly lady should get quietly up from the + street and stand outside the door marked “Exit Only” until the + motorman opens it for her. She should then enter with the remark, + “I signalled to three cars and not one of them stopped,” to which + the motorman will reply, “But, lady, that sign there says they + don’t stop on this corner.” The lady should then say “What’s your + number—I’m going to report you.” + + After taking his number she should enter the car. At the opposite + end of the vehicle there will undoubtedly be three or four vacant + seats; instead of taking one of these she should stand up in + front of some young man and glare at him until he gets up and + gives her his place. + + It is not customary in American cities for ladies to thank + gentlemen who provide them with seats. + + After a few minutes she should turn to the man at her right and + ask “Does this car go to Madison Heights?” He will answer “No.” + She should then turn to the man on her left and ask “Does this + car go to Madison Heights?” He will answer “No.” Her next + question—“Does this car go to Madison Heights?”—should be + addressed to a man across the aisle, and the answer will be “No.” + She should then listen attentively while the conductor calls out + the names of the streets and as he shouts “Blawmnoo!” she should + ask the man at her right “Did he say Madison Heights?” He will + reply “No.” At the next street the conductor will shout + “Blawmnoo!” at which she should ask “Did he say Madison Heights?” + Once more the answer will be in the negative. The car will + proceed, the conductor will now call “Blawmnoo!” and as the + elderly lady once more says “Did he say Madison Heights?” the man + at her left, the man at her right, the man across the aisle and + eight other male passengers will shout “YES!” + + It is then correct for her to pickup her umbrella and, carefully + waiting until the conductor has pulled the “go ahead” signal, she + should cry “Wait a minute, conductor—I want to get off here.” The + car will then be stopped and she should say “Is this Madison + Heights?” to which the conductor will reply “This ain’t the + Madison Heights car, lady.” She should then say “But you called + out Madison Heights,” to which he will answer “No, lady—that’s + eight miles in the opposite direction.” She should then leave the + street car, not forgetting, however, to take the conductor’s + number again. + + The above hints for “tram” car etiquette apply, of course, only + to elderly ladies. For young men and women the procedure would be + in many cases quite different. A young married woman, for + example, on entering a street car, should always have her ticket + or small “change” so securely buried in the fourth inside + pocketbook of her handbag that she cannot possibly find it inside + of twelve minutes. Three or more middle-aged ladies, riding + together, should never decide as to who is to pay the fare until + the conductor has gone stark raving mad. + +[Illustration] + +Hints on Homely Young Ladies at a Dance _Her conduct has stamped the +young lady as a provincial and it is not to be wondered at if +suppressed titters and half audible chuckles follow her about the +room._ PERFECT BEHAVIOR _would have taught her that it is not the +prerogative of a muddy-complexioned dud—even if she has had only one +dance and her costume is very expensive—to cut in on a gentleman (by +grabbing his neck or any other method) when he is dancing with the +wide-eyed beauty from the South who leaves in five minutes to catch a +train. He will be within his rights when, at the end of five minutes, +after three unsuccessful attempts to loosen her grip, he will carry her +into the garden under false pretences and there play the hose on her +until she drowns._ + +[Illustration] + +The Law of Reprisal in Etiquette _They are leaving the home of an +intimate friend of several weeks’ standing, after having witnessed a +Private Theatrical. Both feel that some return should be made for their +hostess’s kindness but neither is certain as to just what form the +return should take. The Book of_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR _would have pointed +out to them that the only adequate and satisfactory revenge for this +sort of thing is to invite the lady, as soon as possible without +exciting her suspicion, to attend an Italian opera or a drawing-room +musicale._ + + IN THE SUBWAY + + The rules governing correct behavior in the underground “subway” + systems of our great cities (particularly the New York subways) + are, however, much more simple and elemental than the etiquette + for surface cars. In the subway, for example, if you are a + married man and living with your wife, or head of a family, i. + e., a person who actually supports one or more persons living in + (or under) his (or her) household on the last day of the + preceding calendar year, provided that such person or persons + shall not on or before July 1 or if July 1 shall fall on a Sunday + then on the day nearest preceding July 1, himself (or themselves) + have filed a separate report as provided in paragraph (g), you + should precede a lady when entering, and follow a lady when + leaving, the train. + + A HONEYMOON IN A SUBWAY + + On the other hand, a wedding or a “honeymoon” trip in a subway + brings up certain problems of etiquette which are entirely + different from the above. Let us suppose, for example, that the + wedding takes place at high noon in exclusive old “Trinity” + church, New York. The nearest subway is of course the + “Interborough” (West Side) and immediately after the ceremony the + lucky couple can run poste haste to the “Battery” and board a + Lenox Ave. Local. Arriving at romantic Chambers St. they should + change at once to a Bronx Park Express which will speedily whizz + them past 18th St., 23rd St. and 28th St. to the Pennsylvania + Station where they can again transfer, this time to a Broadway + Local. In a jiffy and two winks of an eye they will be at Times + Square, the heart of the “Great White Way” (that Mecca of + pleasure seekers and excitement lovers) where they can either + change to a Broadway Express, journeying under Broadway to + historic Columbia University and Harlem, or they can take the + busy little “shuttle” which will hurry them over to the Grand + Central Station. There they can board the aristocratic East Side + Subway, either “up” or “down” town. The trip “up town” (Lexington + Ave. Express) passes under some of the better class residential + districts, but the journey in the other direction is perhaps more + interesting, including as it does such stops as 14th St., + Brooklyn Bridge, Fulton Street, Wall Street (the financial + center) etc., not to mention a delightful passage under the East + River to Brooklyn, the city of homes and churches. Thus without + getting out of their seats the happy pair can be transported from + one fascinating end of the great city to the other and when they + have exhausted the possibilities of a honeymoon in the + Interborough they can change, with the additional cost of only a + few cents apiece, to the B. R. T. or the Hudson Tubes which will + gladly carry them to a thousand new and interesting places—a + veritable Aladdin’s lamp on rails. + + TRAVELLING UNDER STEAM + + And now we come to that most complex form of travel—the railroad + journey. Let us suppose that instead of attempting to walk to New + York you have elected to go on the “train.” On the day of your + departure you should carefully pack your bag or suitcase, taking + care to strap and lock it securely. You can then immediately + unstrap and unlock it in order to put in the tooth paste and + shaving brush which you forgot to bring from the bathroom. + + Arriving at the station promptly on the time scheduled for the + train to depart you will find that because of “daylight saving + time” you have exactly an hour to wait. The time, however, can be + amusingly and economically spent in the station as follows: 11 + weighing machines @.01 =.11; 3 weighing machines @.05 =.15; 1 + weighing machine (out of order).09; 17 slot machines (chocolate + and gum) @.01 =.17. Total cost—.50, unless, of course, you eat + the chocolate. + + Upon the arrival of the train you consult your ticket to find + that you have “lower 9” in car 43. Walking back to the end of the + train and entering car 43 you will find, in berth number 9, a + tired woman and two small children. You will also find a hat box, + a bird cage, a bag of oranges, a bag of orange peelings, a + shoe-box of lunch, a rag doll, a toy balloon, half a “cookie” and + 8,000,000 crumbs. The tired woman will then say to you “Are you + the gentleman who has the lower berth?” to which you answer + “Yes.” She will then say “Well say—we’ve got the upper—and I + wonder if you would mind—” “Not at, all,” you reply, “I should be + only too glad to give you my lower.” This is always done. + + After you have seated yourself and the train has started the + lady’s little boy will announce, “I want a drink, Mama.” After he + has repeated this eleven times his mother will say to you “I + wonder if you would mind holding the baby while I take Elmer to + get a drink?” + + The etiquette of holding babies is somewhat difficult for + bachelors to master at first as there are no hard and fast rules + governing conduct under these circumstances. An easy “hold” for + beginners and one which is difficult for the ordinary baby to + break consists in wrapping the left and right arms firmly around + the center of the child, at the same time clutching the clothing + with the right hand and the toes with the left and praying to God + that the damn thing won’t drop. + + In this particular case, after Elmer and his mother have gone + down the aisle after a drink, the baby which you are holding will + at once begin to cry. Now as every mother knows, and especially + those mothers who have had children, a baby does not cry without + some specific reason and all that is necessary in the present + instance is to discover this reason. First of all, the child may + be merely hungry, in which case you should at once ask the porter + to bring you the a la carte menu. You should then carefully go + over the list of dishes with the infant, taking care to spell out + and explain such names as he may not understand. “How would you + like some nice assorted hors d’œuvres?” you say. “Waaaaa!” says + the baby. “No hors d’œuvres,” you say to the waiter. “Some blue + points, perhaps—you know, o-y-s-t-e-r-s?” You might even act out + a blue point or two, as in charades, so that the child will + understand what you mean. In case, however, the baby does not + cease crying after having eaten the first three or four courses, + you should not insist on a salad and a dessert, for probably it + is not hunger which is occasioning the outcry. Perhaps it is a + pin, in which case you should at once bend every effort to the + discovery and removal of the irritant. The most generally + accepted modern way of effecting this consists in passing a large + electro-magnet over every portion of the child’s anatomy and the + pin (if pin there be) will of course at once come to light. Then, + too, many small children cry merely because they have swallowed + something which does not agree with them, such as, for example, a + gold tooth or a shoe horn; the remedy in this case consists in + _immediately_ feeding the child the proper counter irritant. + There is, really, no great mystery about the successful raising + of children and with a few common sense principles, such as + presented above, any mother may relieve herself of a great deal + of useless anxiety. I hope I may be pardoned for a digression + here, but I feel very strongly that “today’s babies are + tomorrow’s citizens” and I do want to see them brought up in the + proper way. + + But to return to our train. Perhaps by this time the mother and + Elmer will have returned and you will be relieved of further + investigation as to the cause of the infant’s discomfort. A few + minutes later, however, little Elmer will say “Mama, I want the + window open.” This request will be duly referred to you via the + line of authority. It is then your duty to assume a firm upright + stance, with the weight evenly distributed on both feet, and work + for twelve minutes and thirty-nine seconds in a terrific struggle + to raise the windows. At the end of twelve minutes and forty + seconds you will succeed, the window will slowly go up, and the + train will at once enter a tunnel, filling the car and you with + coal smoke. In the resulting darkness and confusion you should + seize little Elmer, throw him quickly out of the open window and + make your escape to the gentlemen’s smoking compartment in the + rear of your car. + + In the “smoker” you will find three men. The first of these will + be saying “and he told me that a bootlegger he knew had cleaned + up a thousand dollars a week since January.” The second will say + “Well down where I come from there’s men who never took a drink + before prohibition who get drunk all the time now.” The third + will say “Well, I tell you, men—the saloon had to go.” + + Provision for satisfying the “inner man” is now a regular part of + the equipment of all modern trains, and about 6:30 or 7 you + should leave your companions in the “smoker” and walk through the + train until you reach the “diner.” Here you will seat yourself at + a table with three other gentlemen, the first of whom will be + remarking, as you sit down, “and I know for a fact that this + bootlegger is making over fifty thousand dollars a year.” + + A CORRECT NIGHT IN A PULLMAN + + Before the days of modern railroads one could not very well + travel over night but now, thanks to Mr. Pullman, it is possible + for the traveller to go to bed en route and be every bit as snug + and comfortable as the proverbial insect in a rug. Shortly after + dinner the porter will “make up” the berths in the car and when + you desire to retire for the night you should ask him to bring + you the ladder in order that you may ascend to upper 9. While you + are waiting you should stand in the aisle and remove your coat, + vest and shoes, and then begin to search for your suitcase which + you will finally locate by crawling on your chin and stomach + under berth number 11. When you again resume an upright position + the train will give a sudden lurch, precipitating you into berth + number 12. A woman’s voice will then say “Alice?” to which you + should of course answer “No” and climb quickly up the ladder into + your proper berth. + + A great deal of “to do” is often made of the difficulty involved + in undressing in an upper berth but most of this is quite + uncalled for. Experienced travellers now generally wait until the + lights of the car have been dimmed or extinguished when the + disrobing can be done quite simply in five counts, as follows: + _One_—unloosen all clothing and lie flat on the back. The + respiration should be natural, easy and through the lungs. The + muscles should be relaxed; _Two_—pivoting on the back of the head + and neck, inhale quickly, at the same time drawing the muscles of + the legs and arms sharply under the body, as for a spring; + _Three_—spring suddenly upward and to the right (or left), + catching the bell cord (which extends along the roof of the + train) with the teeth, hands and feet; _Four_—holding firmly to + the cord with the knees, describe a sudden arc downward with the + head and body, returning to position as soon as the shirt and + undershirt have dropped off into the aisle; _Five_—taking a firm + hold on the cord with the teeth, let go sharply with the knees. + The trousers, etc., should at once slide off, and you can (and, + in fact, should) then swing yourself quickly back into your berth + and pajamas. + + Once inside your “bunk” you should drift quickly off to + slumberland, and when you wake up it will be five minutes later + and the————engineer will be trying to see what he can do with an + air brake and a few steel sleeping cars. + + In the morning you will be in New York. + + + + +CHAPTER FOUR: AT THE CONCERT AND THE OPERA + + + In order to listen to music intelligently—or what is really much + more important—in order to give the appearance of listening to + music intelligently, it is necessary for the novice to master + thoroughly two fundamental facts. + + The first, and most important of these, is that the letter “w” in + Russian is pronounced like “v”; the second, that Rachmaninoff has + a daughter at Vassar. + + Not very difficult, surely—but it is remarkable how much + enjoyment one can get out of music by the simple use of these two + formulas. With a little practise in their use, the veriest tyro + can bewilder her escort even though she be herself so musically + uninformed as to think that the celeste is only used in + connection with _Aïda_, or that a minor triad is perhaps a young + wood nymph. + + One other important fundamental is that enthusiasm should never + be expressed for any music written after 1870; by a careful + observance of this rule one will constantly experience that + delightful satisfaction which comes with finding one’s opinions + shared by the music critics in the daily press. + +[Illustration] + +Chivalry or the Instinct of Self-Preservation? A Fine Point _The young +lady in the picture has just laid out a perfect drive. She had, +unfortunately, neglected to wait until the gentleman playing ahead of +her had progressed more than fifteen yards down the fairway, and her +ball, traveling at a velocity of 1675 f.s., has caught the gentleman +squarely in the half-pint bottle. What mistake, if any, is the +gentleman making in chasing her off the course with his niblick, if we +assume that she called “Fore!” when the ball had attained to within +three feet of the gentleman?_ + +[Illustration] + +An Inexperienced “Gun” _You will exclaim, no doubt, on looking at the +scene depicted above, “Cherchez la femme.” It is, however, nothing so +serious as you will pardonably suppose. The gentleman is merely an +inexperienced “gun” at a shooting-party, who has begun following his +bird before it has risen above the head of his loader. This very clumsy +violation of the etiquette of sport proves, beyond the shadow of a +doubt, that he has learned to shoot from the comic papers, and that his +coat-of-arms can never again be looked upon as anything but bogus._ + + LISTENING TO A SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA + + The first thing to do on arriving at a symphony concert is to + express the wish that the orchestra will play Beethoven’s Fifth. + If your companion then says “Fifth what?” you are safe with him + for the rest of the evening; no metal can touch you. If, however, + he says “So do I”—this is a danger signal and he may require + careful handling. + + The next step is a glance at the program. If your escort is quite + good looking and worth cultivating, the obvious remark is “Oh + dear—not a very interesting program, to-night. But George—_look_ + at what they are playing next Thursday! My, I wish—.” If George + shies at this, it can be tried again later—say during an + “appassionato” passage for the violins and cellos. + + As soon as the music starts, all your attention should be + directed toward discovering someone who is making a + noise—whispering or coughing; having once located such a + creature, you should immediately “sh-sh” him. Should he continue + the offence, a severe frown must accompany the next “sh-sh,” a + lorgnette—if available—adding great effectiveness to the rebuke. + This will win you the gratitude of your neighbors and serve to + establish your position socially, as well as musically—for + perfect “sh-shers” do not come from the lower classes. + + At the conclusion of the first number the proper remark is + “hmmm,” accompanied by a slow shake of the head. After this you + may use any one of a number of remarks, as for example, “Well, I + suppose Mendelssohn appeals to a great many people,” or “That was + meaningless enough to have been written by a Russian.” This + latter is to be preferred, for it leads your companion to say, + “But don’t you like TschaiKOWsky?”, pronouncing the second + syllable as if the composer were a female bull. You can then + reply, “Why, yes, TschaiKOFFsky _did_ write some rather good + music—although it’s all neurotic and obviously Teutonic.” Don’t + fail to stress the “v.” + + The next number on the program will probably be the soloist—say, + a coloratura soprano. Your first remark should be that you don’t + really care for the human voice—the reason being, of course, that + symphonic Music, ABSOLUTE music, has spoiled you for things like + vocal gymnastics. This leads your bewildered friend to ask you + what sort of soloist you prefer. + + Ans.—Why, a piano concerto, of course. + + Ques.—And who is your favorite pianist? + + Ans.—Rachmaninoff. And then, before the boy has time to breathe + —SHOOT! _“Did you knoow that he has a daughter at Vassar?”_ + + Although not necessary, it might be well to finish off the poor + fellow at the end of the concert with one or two well placed + depth bombs. My own particular favorite for this is the + following, accompanied by a low sigh: “After all—Beethoven IS + Beethoven.” + + CORRECT BEHAVIOR AT A PIANO RECITAL + + The same procedure is recommended for the piano or violin + recital, with the possible addition of certain phrases such as + “Yes—of course, she has technique—but, my dear, so has an + electric piano.” This remark gives you a splendid opportunity for + sarcasm at the expense of Mr. Duo-Art and other manufacturers of + mere mechanical perfection; the word “soul”—pronounced with deep + feeling, as when repeating a fish order to a stupid waiter—may be + introduced effectively several times. + + The program at these recitals is likely to be more complex than + that at a symphony concert. This is a distinct advantage, for it + gives you a splendid opportunity to catch some wretch applauding + before the music is really finished. Nothing is quite comparable + to the satisfaction of smiling knowingly at your neighbors when + this _faux pas_ is committed, unless it be the joy of being the + first to applaud at the _real_ conclusion. This latter course, + however, is fraught with danger for the beginner; the chances for + errors in judgment are many, and the only sure way to avoid + anachronistic applause is to play the safe game and refrain + altogether from any expression of approval—a procedure which is + heartily recommended for the musically ignorant, it being also + the practise among the majority of the critics. + + IN A BOX AT THE OPERA + + The opera differs from the symphony concert, or piano recital, in + the same way that the army drill command of “At Ease!” differs + from “Rest!” When one of these orders (I never could remember + which is given to a battalion in formation), it signifies that + talking is permitted; opera, of course, corresponds to that + command. + + Before the invention of the phonograph it was often necessary for + the opera goer to pay some attention to the performance—at least + while certain favorite arias were being sung; this handicap to + the enjoyment of opera has now fortunately been overcome and one + can devote one’s entire attention to other more important things, + safe in one’s knowledge that one has Galli-Curci at home on the + Vic. + + In order really to get the most out of an opera a great deal of + study and preparation is required in advance; I have not space at + this time to cover these preliminaries thoroughly, but would + recommend to the earnest student such supplemental information as + can be obtained from Lady Duff-Gordon, or Messrs. Tiffany, Técla + and Pinaud. + + Upon entering one’s box the true opera lover at once assumes a + musical attitude; this should be practised at home, by my lady, + before a mirror until she is absolutely sure that the shoulders + and back can be seen from any part of the house. Then, with the + aid of a pair of strong opera glasses, she may proceed to + scrutinize carefully the occupants of the boxes—noting carefully + any irregular features. Technical phraseology, useful in this + connection, includes “unearthly creature,” “stray leopard” or, + simply, “that person.” + + Your two magical formulas—the Russian “w” and the sad story about + Rachmaninoff’s daughter—may, of course, be held in reserve—but + the chances are that you will be unable to use them, for during + an evening at the opera there will probably be no mention of + music. + + + + +CHAPTER FIVE: ETIQUETTE FOR DRY AGENTS + + + SOME BROADER ASPECTS OF PROHIBITION + + In spite of the great pride and joy which we Americans feel over + the success of National Prohibition; in spite of the universal + popularity of the act and the method of its enforcement; in spite + of the fact that it is now almost impossible to obtain in any of + our ex-saloons anything in the least resembling whiskey or + gin,—there still remains the distressing suspicion that quite + possibly, at some of the dinner parties and dances of our more + socially prominent people, liquor—or its equivalent—is openly + being served. Dry agents have, of course, tried on several + occasions to verify this suspicion; their praiseworthy efforts + have met, for the most part, with scant success. + + The main difficulty has been, I believe, that the average dry + agent is too little versed in the customs and manners of polite + society. It is lamentably true that, too often, has a carefully + planned society dry raid been spoiled because the host noticed + that one of his guests was wearing white socks with a black tie, + or that the intruder was using his dessert spoon on the hors + d’œuvres. + + The solution of this difficulty lies, of course, in the gradual + procuring of a better class of dry agent. There are signs + (though, unfortunately, in the wrong direction) that some of our + younger college generation are already casting envious eyes + toward the rich rewards, the social opportunities and the + exciting life of the professional bootlegger. + + It might be well to interest some of these promising youngsters + in the no less exciting occupation of National Prohibition + Enforcement Officer. At present the chief difficulty seems to lie + in the fact that, in our preparatory schools and colleges, a + young man acquires a certain code of honor which causes him to + look with distaste on what he calls pussyfooting and sneaking. + + People too often forget that, in order to make effective such a + universally beneficent law, any means are justified. It will be, + I hope, only a matter of years before this distrust of the + “sneak” will have died out, and the Dry Agent will come to be + regarded with the reverence and respect due to one who devotes + his life to the altruistic investigation of his neighbor’s + affairs. + + THE COLLEGE GRADUATE AS DRY AGENT + + Then, too, many young college men are deterred from becoming Dry + Agents by thinking of the comparative scantiness of the monetary + rewards. This difficulty is only an imaginary one—for, luckily, + as soon as a man’s code of honor has been elevated to the extent + that it permits him to take up a career of pussy-footing there is + generally eliminated at the same time any objection he might have + to what is often called bribery. Thus, by a fortunate combination + of circumstances, a Dry Agent is enabled to serve mankind and, at + the same time, greatly increase his own personal fortune. + + But we cannot wait until our college graduates come to regard + pussyfooting as a career. We must do what we can with the + material at our disposal. We must in some way educate our present + Dry Agents so that they can go to any function in polite society + and remain as inconspicuous and as completely disregarded as the + host. As a first step in such a social training I offer the + following suggestions, in the hope that before long no function + will be complete without the presence of four or five correctly + dressed National Prohibition Enforcement Officers, ready and + eager to arrest the host and hostess and all the guests on the + slightest provocation. + + PLANNING A DRY RAID ON A MASQUERADE BALL + + Let us suppose, for example, that you are a Dry Agent and that + your name is Isador Eisenberg, and, one day, you and your chief + are sitting around the Dry Agent’s Club and he says to you, + “Izzy—I see by the paper that there’s a swell society masquerade + ball to be given by the younger married set tomorrow night at the + Glen Cove Country Club. Take your squad to cover it.” At this + point you doubtless say, “Chief, I’m afraid I can’t use my squad. + My men have been disguised as trained seals all this week, and + tomorrow night, they are to raid all the actresses’ dressing + rooms at the Hippodrome” and then the Chief says, “Well, Izzy, + you’ll have to rent a costume and pull off the raid all by + yourself.” + + A WORD ABOUT CORRECT COSTUMES + + Your first concern should be, of course, your costume. If you + have a high voice (although really there is no reason for + supposing that all Dry Agents have high voices), you might well + attend the masquerade disguised as a lady. One of the neatest + and, on the whole, most satisfactory of ladies’ disguises is that + of Cleopatra. Cleopatra, as you know, was once Queen of Egypt and + the costume is quite simple and attractive. It may be, however, + that you would prefer to appear as a modern rather than an + ancient queen. A modern Queen (if one may judge from the + illustrated foreign periodicals) always wears a plain suit and + carries a tightly rolled umbrella. Should you care to attend the + masquerade as an allegorical figure—say “2000 Years of + Progress”—you might wear the Cleopatra costume and carry the + umbrella. Or you might go attired as some other less prominent + member of the nobility—for instance, Lady Dartmouth, whose + delightful costume is more or less featured in the advertising on + our better class subways and street cars, and can be obtained at + a comparatively small cost at any reliable dry goods store. + + Should you, however, feel that you would be more at ease in a + male costume, there are several suggestions which might cleverly + conceal your real identity. You might, for example, attend the + ball as Jurgen—a costume which would assure you a pleasurable + evening and many pleasing acquaintances. You might, with equal + satisfaction, go as an Indian. + + It occurs to me that it might even be a clever move to attend the + party dressed as a Dry Agent. All suspicion would be instantly + lost in the uproar of laughter which would greet your + announcement of your disguise; many men would probably so far + enter into the spirit of the joke as to offer you drinks from + their flasks, and much valuable evidence could be obtained in + this way. And the costume is quite easy—simply wear a pleated + soft-bosom dress shirt with your evening dress, and tuck the ends + of your black tie under your collar. + +[Illustration] + +Packets of Old Letters Make Acceptable Wedding Gifts _Packets of old +letters, bits of verse, locks of hair, pressed flowers, inscribed +books, photographs, etc., all make acceptable wedding gifts. By telling +you whether they should be presented to the Bride or to the Groom_ +PERFECT BEHAVIOR _has, we feel, settled the question of future +happiness in many a new-made home._ + +[Illustration] + +Correct Methods of Using Table Hardware _You are, let us say, one of +the Ushers attending the Bachelor Dinner. You are handed a bottle of +Chateau Lafitte ’69. Can you select, from the diagram above, the proper +implement to use in getting at its contents? The correct methods of +choosing and using table hardware are explained in_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR. + +[Illustration] + +It Is Sometimes Best to Be Frank _The young couple in the picture are +trying to word a plausible letter of regret in answer to an invitation +to a house-party. Had they consulted their_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR _they +would have known that there is no plausible excuse for not accepting +any invitation whatever, and that the simplest and most dignified, +method is to write the attached model letter._ + + GOOD FORM FOR DRY AGENTS DURING A RAID + + After the costume, you should arrange to obtain a mask and a + breath. The former is, of course, for the purpose of hiding your + identity; the latter is essential at any party where you wish to + remain inconspicuous. A good whisky breath can usually be + obtained from a bottle of any of the better known brands of + Scotch or Rye whisky by holding a small quantity of the liquor in + the mouth for a short period of time. It is not, of course, + necessary to swallow the liquor and in this connection I would + suggest that you use only the best grade whisky, for there are at + present being manufactured for domestic consumption several + brands which, if held in the mouth for a longer interval than, + say, three seconds, are apt to eat away the tongue or dissolve + several of your more important teeth. + + On the night of the party, therefore, having donned your Dry + Agent costume, having put on your mask, having secured a good + breath—you jump into a taxicab and drive to the Glen Cove Country + Club. And, as you enter the door of the club, some girl, dressed, + probably, as Martha Washington, will run up and kiss you. This is + not because she thinks you are George Washington; it is because + she drank that eighth Bronx cocktail at dinner. + + And right at this point is where most Dry Agents have displayed + their ignorance of the usages of polite society, for most of them + are wofully ignorant of the correct way to handle such a + situation. Your average Dry Agent, not being accustomed to the + ways of Younger Marrieds, is often confused upon being + unexpectedly kissed, and in his confusion betrays his unfortunate + lack of social training. + + The correct way to meet the above situation is based on the + fundamental rule of all social etiquette—common sense. Return the + lady’s kiss in an easy, natural manner and pass on. If she + follows you, lead her at once to a quiet unoccupied corner of the + club and knock her over the head with a chair or some other + convenient implement. It has been found that this is the only + effective way to deal with this type of woman and it is really + only a kindness to her and her husband to keep her from + embarrassing you with her attentions during the rest of the + evening. + + After you have removed your coat, you should go to the ball room + where you will find the dance in full swing—full being of course + used in its common or alcoholic sense. Take your place in the + stag line and don’t, under any circumstances, allow anyone to + induce you to cut in on any of the dancers. In the first place, + you won’t be able to dance because Dry Agents, like Englishmen, + never can; secondly, if you _try_ to dance, you are taking the + enormous chance, especially at a masquerade, that the man who + introduced you to your partner will disappear for the rest of the + evening, leaving you with Somebody’s Albatross hanging around + your neck. And, of all Albatrosses, the married one is perhaps + farthest South—especially if she happens to be a little tight and + wants to talk about her husband and children. + + Your policy, therefore, should be one of complete + non-partisanship. If you do not dance, do not let yourself be + drawn into conversation, and do not, above all things, show any + consideration for the host or hostess. By closely observing the + actions of the men and women about you, by wandering down into + the club bar, by peeking into the automobiles parked outside the + club, you will probably be able to obtain sufficient evidence of + the presence of alcohol to justify a raid. And then, when you + have raided the Glen Cove Country Club, you can turn your + attention to the 12,635,439 other clubs and private houses where + the same thing is going on. And, if Mr. Volstead has a dress + suit, you might take him with you, and show him just how + beautifully Prohibition is working and how enthusiastic the + better classes of American society are about it. + + + + +CHAPTER SIX: A CHAPTER FOR SCHOOLGIRLS + + + Every Fall a larger number of young girls leave home to come East + to the various Finishing Schools in this section of the country. + For the benefit of those who are making this trip for the first + time, we outline a few of the more important points in connection + with the preliminaries to the trip East, together with minute + instructions as to the journey itself. + + SELECTING A PROPER SCHOOL + + This is, of course, mainly a parent’s problem and is best solved + by resorting to the following formula: Let A and B represent two + young girls’ finishing schools in the East. Mrs. Raleigh-Jones + (X), from the West, sends her daughter to A; Mrs. Borax (Y), from + the same city, sends her daughter to B. Upon consulting the local + social register, it is found that Mr. Raleigh-Jones is a member + of the Union, Colonial, Town and Country, and Valley Hunt Clubs; + upon consulting the telephone directory it is found that the + Boraxes live at 1217 S. Main Street, and that Mr. Borax is an + undertaker. Shall Mrs. F. B. Gerald (Z) send her daughter Annette + to A or to B, and why? + + Answer: A, because life is real, life is earnest, and the grave + is not its goal. + + CORRECT EQUIPMENT FOR THE SCHOOLGIRL + + Having selected an educational institution, the next requisite is + a suitable equipment. Girls who live in other parts of the United + States are often surprised to discover that the clothes which + they have purchased at the best store in their home town are + totally unsuited for the rough climate of the East. I would, + therefore, recommend the following list, subject, of course, to + variation in individual cases. + + 1 Dress, chine, crepe de, pink, for dancing. + 1 Dress, chine, crepe de, pink, for petting. + 1 Dress, Swiss, Dotted, blue, or + 1 Dress, Swiss, undotted, white. + 15 yards Tulle, best quality, pink. + 4 bottles perfume, domestic, or + 1 bottle, perfume, French. + 12 Dozen Dorine, men’s pocket size. + 6 Soles, cami, assorted. + 1 Brassiere, or riding habit. + 100 boxes aspirin, for dances and house-parties. + 1 wave, permanent, for conversation. + 24 waves, temporary. + 10,000 nets, hair. + 100,000 pins, hair. + 1 bottle Quelques Fleurs, for knockout. + + EN ROUTE + + After the purchase of a complete outfit, it will be necessary to + say goodbye to one’s local friends. Partings are always somewhat + sad, but it will be found that much simple pleasure may be + derived from the last nights with the various boys to whom one is + engaged. + + In this connection, however, it would be well to avoid making any + rash statements regarding undying friendship and affection, + because, when you next see Eddie or Walter, at Christmas time, + you will have been three months in the East, while they have been + at the State University, and really, after one starts dancing + with Yale men—well, it’s a funny world. + + In case you do not happen to meet any friends on the train, the + surest way to protect yourself from any unwelcome advances is to + buy a copy of the _Atlantic Monthly_ and carry it, in plain view. + Next to a hare lip, this is the safest protection for a + travelling young girl that I know of; it has, however, the one + objection that all the old ladies on the train are likely to tell + you what they think of Katherine Fullerton Gerould, or their + rheumatism. + + If you are compelled to go to the dining car alone, you will + probably sit beside an Elk with white socks, who will call the + waiter “George.” Along about the second course he will say to + you, “It’s warm for September, isn’t it?” to which you should + answer “No.” That will dispose of the Elk. + + Across the table from you will be a Grand Army man and his wife, + going to visit their boy Elmer’s wife’s folks in Schenectady. + When the fish is served, the Grand Army man will choke on a bone. + Let him choke, but do not be too hopeful, as the chances are that + he will dislodge the bone. All will go well until the dessert, + when his wife will begin telling how raspberry sherbet always + disagrees with her. Offer her your raspberry sherbet. + + After dinner you may wish to read for a while, but the porter + will probably have made up all the berths for the night. It will + also be found that the light in your berth does not work, so you + will be awake for a long time; finally, just as you are leaving + Buffalo, you will at last get to sleep, and when you open your + eyes again, you will be—in Buffalo. + + There will be two more awakenings that night—once at Batavia, + where a merry wedding party with horns and cow bells will follow + the lucky bride and groom into your car, and once at Schenectady, + where the Pullman car shock-absorbing tests are held. The next + morning, tired but unhappy, you will reach New York. + + A JOURNEY AROUND NEW YORK + + _The Aquarium_. Take Fifth Avenue Bus to Times Square. Transfer + to 42nd Street Crosstown. Get off at 44th Street, and walk one + block south to the Biltmore. The most interesting fish will be + found underneath the hanging clock, near the telephone booths. + + _Grant’s Tomb_. Take Fifth Avenue bus, and a light lunch. Change + at Washington Square to a blue serge or dotted Swiss. Ride to the + end of the line, and walk three blocks east. Then return the same + way you came, followed by three fast sets of tennis, a light + supper and early to bed. If you do not feel better in the + morning, cut out milk, fresh fruit and uncooked foods for a + while. + + _Metropolitan Museum of Art_. Take Subway to Brooklyn. + (Flatbush.) Then ask the subway guard where to go; he will tell + you. + + _The Bronx_. Take three oranges, a lemon, three of gin, to one of + vermouth, with a dash of bitters. Serve cold. + + _The Ritz_. Take taxicab and fifty dollars. If you have only + fifty dollars the filet of sole Marguéry is very good. + + _Brooklyn Bridge_. Terrible. And their auction is worse. + + When you have visited all these places, it will probably be time + to take the train to your school. + + THE FIRST DAYS IN THE NEW SCHOOL + + The first week of school life is apt to be quite discouraging, + and we can not too emphatically warn the young girl not to do + anything rash under the influence of homesickness. It is in this + initial period that many girls, feeling utterly alone and + friendless, write those letters to boys back home which are later + so difficult to pass off with a laugh. It is during this first + attack of homesickness also that many girls, in their loneliness, + recklessly accept the friendship of other strange girls, only to + find out later that their new acquaintance’s mother was a Miss + Gundlefinger of Council Bluffs, or that she lives on the south + side of Chicago. We advise: Go slow at first. + + BECOMING ACCLIMATIZED + + In your first day at school you will be shown your room; in your + room you will find a sad-eyed fat girl. You will be told that + this will be your room mate for the year. You will find that you + have drawn a blank, that she comes from Topeka, Kan., that her + paw made his money in oil, and that she is religious. You will be + nice to her for the first week, because you aren’t taking any + chances at the start; you will tolerate her for the rest of the + year, because she will do your lessons for you every night. + + Across the hall from you there will be two older girls who are + back for their second year. One of them will remind you of the + angel painted on the ceiling of the Victory Theatre back home, + until she starts telling about her summer at Narragansett; from + the other you will learn how to inhale. + + A VISITOR FROM PRINCETON + + About the middle of the first term your cousin Charley Waldron, + that freshman at Princeton, will write and say that he would like + to come up and see you. You go to Miss French and ask her if you + can have your cousin visit you. She sniffs at the “cousin” and + tell’s you that she must have a letter from Charley’s father, one + from Charley’s minister, one from the governor of your state, and + one from some disinterested party certifying that Charley has + never been in the penitentiary, has never committed arson, and is + a legitimate child. After you have secured these letters, Miss + French will tell you that Charley will be allowed to see you next + Saturday from four till five. + + Charley will come and will be ushered into the reception room. + While he is sitting there alone, the entire school will walk + slowly, one by one, past the open door and look in at him. This + will cause Charley to perspire freely and to wish to God he had + worn his dark suit. + + It is not at all likely that you will be allowed to go to New + Haven during your first year, which is quite a pity, as this + city, founded in 1638, is rich in historical interest. It was + here, for example, in 1893, that Yale defeated Harvard at + football, and the historic Pigskin which was used that day is + still preserved intact. Many other quaint relics are to be seen + in and around the city of elms, mementos of the past which bring + to the younger generation a knowledge and respect for things + gone. In the month of June, for example, there is really nothing + which quite conjures up for the college youth of today a sense of + the mutability and impermanence of this mortal life so much as + the sight of a member of the class of 1875 after three days’ + intensive drinking. _Eheu fugaces!_ + +[Illustration] + +“Who Shall Write First?” _“Who shall write first?” is a question that +has perplexed many a lady or gentleman who is anxious to do the correct +thing under any circumstances. A lady who has left town may send a +brief note or a “P. P. C.” (“pour prendre congé,” i.e., “to take +leave”) card to a gentleman who remains at home, if the gentleman is +her husband and if she has left town with his business partner. Neither +the note nor the card requires an acknowledgment, but many a husband +takes pleasure in penning his congratulations to the lady, concluding +with an expression of gratitude to his friend._ + + + + +CHAPTER SEVEN: THE ETIQUETTE OF GAMES AND SPORTS + + + GOLF AS A PASTIME + + “Golf” (from an old Scottish word meaning “golf”) is becoming + increasingly popular in the United States, and almost every city + now has at least one private club devoted to the pursuit of this + stylish pastime. Indeed, in many of our larger metropolises, the + popular enthusiasm has reached such heights that free “public” + courses have been provided for the citizens with, I may say, + somewhat laughable results, as witness the fact that I myself + have often seen persons playing on these “public” courses in + ordinary shirts and trousers, tennis shoes, and _suspenders_. + + The influence of this “democratization” on the etiquette of what + was once an exclusive sport has been, in many instances, + deplorable, and I am sure that our golf-playing forefathers would + turn over in their graves were they to “play around” today on one + of the “public” courses. In no pastime are the customs and + unwritten laws more clearly defined, and it is essential that the + young lady or gentleman of fashion who contemplates an afternoon + on the “links” devote considerable time and attention to the + various niceties of the etiquette of this ancient and honorable + game. + + A young man, for example, when playing with his employer, should + always take pains to let his employer win. This is sometimes + extremely difficult, but with practice even the most stubborn of + obstacles can be overcome. On the first tee, for instance, after + the employer, having swung and missed the ball completely one or + two times, has managed to drive a distance of some forty-nine + yards to the extreme right, the young man should take care to + miss the ball completely _three_ times, and then drive + forty-eight yards to the extreme left. This is generally done by + closing the eyes tightly and rising up sharply on both toes just + before hitting the ball. + + On the “greens” it is customary for a young man to “concede” his + employer every “putt” which is within twenty feet of the hole. If + the employer insists on “putting” [Ed. note:—He won’t] and + misses, the young man should take care to miss his own “putt.” + After both have “holed out,” the young man should ask, “how many + strokes, sir?” The employer will reply, “Let me see—I think I + took seven for this hole, didn’t I?” A well-bred young man will + not under any circumstances remind his employer that he saw him + use at least three strokes for the drive, three strokes for his + second shot, four strokes in the “rough,” seven strokes in the + “bunker,” and three “putts” on the “green,” but will at once + reply, “No, sir, I think you only took six, altogether.” The + employer will then say, “Well, well, call it six. I generally get + five on this hole. What did you take?” The young man should then + laugh cheerily and reply, “Oh, I took my customary seven.” To + which the employer will sympathetically say, “Too bad!” + + After the employer has thus won his first three holes he will + begin to offer the young man advice on how to improve his game. + This is perhaps the most trying part of the afternoon’s sport, + but a young man of correct breeding and good taste will always + remember the respect due an older man, and will not make the + vulgar error of telling his employer for God’s sake shut up + before he gets a brassie in his———— ear. + + A wife playing with her husband should do everything in her power + to make the game enjoyable for the latter. She should encourage + him, when possible, with little cheering proverbs, such as, “If + at first you don’t succeed, try, try again,” and she should aid + him with her advice when she thinks he is in need of it. Thus, + when he drives into the sycamore tree on number eleven, she + should say, “Don’t you think, dear, that if you aimed a little + bit more to the right....” et cetera. When they come to number + fourteen, and his second shot lands in the middle of the lake, + she should remark, “Perhaps you didn’t hit it hard enough, dear.” + And when, on the eighteenth, his approach goes through the + second-story window of the club-house, she should say, “Dear, I + wonder if you didn’t hit that too hard?” Such a wife is a true + helpmate, and not merely a pretty ornament on which a silly + husband can hang expensive clothes, and if he is the right sort + of man, he will appreciate this, and refrain from striking her + with a niblick after this last remark. + + A young wife who does not play the game herself can, + nevertheless, be of great help to her husband by listening + patiently, night after night, while he tells her how he drove the + green on number three, and took a four on number eight (Par + five), and came up to the fourteenth one under fours. Caddies + should be treated at all times with the respect and pity due + one’s fellow creatures who are “unfortunate.” The sins of the + fathers are visited upon the children, and one should always + remember that it is not, after all, the poor caddy’s fault that + he was born blind. + + AN AFTERNOON AT THE OLD FARM WITH THE DICE + + “Craps” is a game played with dice, which is often popular in the + men’s coat and smoking-rooms before and during formal receptions, + balls, recitals, etcetera. It should not be imagined, however, + that “craps” is a sport for men only; on the contrary, smart + women are enthusiastically taking up this sport in numerous + localities, and many an affair which started as a dinner party or + a musicale has ended in a crap game, with all the guests seated + in an excited circle on the floor, contributing to the host’s + efforts to make expenses for the evening. + + It is in connection with these “mixed” games, however, that most + of the more serious questions of “craps” etiquette arise. If, for + example, you are a young man desirous of “shooting craps” with + your grandmother, the correct way of indicating your desire when + you meet the old lady in a public place is for you to remove your + hat deferentially and say “Shoot a nickel, Grandmother?” If she + wishes to play she will reply “Shoot, boy!” and you should then + select some spot suitable for the game and assist her, if she + wishes your aid, to kneel on the ground. It might be an added + mark of gentility to offer her your handkerchief or coat upon + which to rest her knees. + + You should then take out the dice and “shoot.” Your grandmother + will look at your “throw” and say, “Oh, boy! He fives—he fives—a + three and a two—never make a five—come on, you baby seven!” You + should then take up the dice again and shake them in your right + hand while your grandmother chants, “A four and a three—a four + and a two—dicety dice, and an old black joe—come on, you SEVEN!” + You should then again “shoot.” This time, as you have thrown a + six and a one, your grandmother will then exclaim, “He sevens—the + boy sevens—come on to grandmother, dice—talk to the nice old + lady—Phoebe for grandma, dice, for grandpa needs a new pair of + shoes—shoot a dime!” + + She will then “throw,” and so the game will go on until the old + lady evidences a desire to stop, or, possibly, until either you + or she are “cleaned out.” In this latter case, however, it would + be a customary act of courtesy towards an older person for you to + offer to shoot your grandmother for her shawl or her side combs, + thus giving her several more chances to win back the money she + has lost. It should be recommended that young men never make a + mistake in going a little out of their way on occasion to make + life more pleasant and agreeable for the aged. + + CORRECT BEHAVIOR ON A PICNIC + + There often comes a time in the life of the members of “society” + when they grow a little weary of the ceaseless round of teas, + balls and dinners, and for such I would not hesitate to recommend + a “picnic.” + + A day spent in the “open,” with the blue sky over one’s head, is + indeed a splendid tonic for jaded nerves. But one should not make + the mistake of thinking that because he (or she) is “roughing it” + for a day, he (or she) can therefore leave behind his (or her) + “manners,” for such is not the case. There is a distinct + etiquette for picnics, and any one who disregards this fact is + apt to find to his (or her) sorrow that the “shoe” in this case + is decidedly “on the other foot.” + + A young man, for example, is often asked by a young lady to + accompany her on a “family picnic.” To this invitation he should, + after some consideration, reply either “Yes” or “No,” and if the + former, he should present himself at the young lady’s house + promptly on the day set for the affair (usually Sunday). + + A “family picnic” generally consists of a Buick, a father, a + mother, a daughter, a small son, beef loaf, lettuce sandwiches, a + young man (you), two blow-outs, one spare tire, and Aunt + Florence. + + The father drives with his small boy beside him; in the rear are + the mother, the daughter, Aunt Florence, the thermos bottles, the + lunch baskets and you. As you take your seat you must remember + that it is a distinct evidence of bad breeding to show in any way + that you are conscious of the fact that the car has been standing + for the last hour and forty-four minutes in the hot July sun. + + “We’re off!” cries father, pressing his foot on the self-starting + pedal. Thirty minutes later you roll away from the curb and the + picnic has begun. The intervening time has, of course, been + profitably spent by you in walking to the nearest garage for two + new sparkplugs. + + It should be your duty, as guest, to see that the conversation in + the rear seat is not allowed to lag. “It’s a great day,” you + remark, as the car speeds along. “I think it’s going to rain,” + replies Aunt Florence. “Not too fast, Will!” says mother. + “Mother!” says the daughter. + + Ten minutes later you should again remark, “My, what a wonderful + day!” “Those clouds are gathering in the west,” says Aunt + Florence, “I think we had better put the top up.” “I think this + is the wrong road,” says mother. + + “Dear, I know what I’m doing,” replies father. + + The secret of good conversation lies in discovering the “hobby” + of the person with whom one is conversing, and a good talker + always throws out several “feelers” in order to find out the + things in which his partner is most interested. You should, + therefore, next say to mother, “Don’t you think this is a + glorious day for a picnic?” to which she will reply, “Well, I’m + sure this is the wrong road. Hadn’t you better ask?” The husband + will answer nothing, but Aunt Florence will murmur, “I think I + felt a drop of rain, Will. If you don’t put the top up now, we’ll + all be drenched.” + + The husband will then stop the car, and you and he will proceed + to put up the top. In doing this, it is customary for the guest + to get the second and third fingers of his right hand so severely + pinched that he can not use the hand for several days. As soon as + the top is up and the rain curtains are in place the sun will + come out and you can at once get out and put the top down, taking + care this time to ruin two fingers of the _left_ hand. + + No good conversationalist confines himself exclusively to one + subject, and when you are once more “under way” you should remark + to the mother, “I think that motoring is great fun, don’t you, + Mrs. Caldwell?” Her answer will be, “I wish you wouldn’t drive so + fast!” You should then smile and say to Aunt Florence, “Don’t + _you_ think that motoring is great fun, Mrs. Lockwood?” As she is + about to reply, the left rear tire will blow out with a loud + noise and the car will come to a bumping stop. + + The etiquette of changing a tire is fairly simple. As soon as the + “puncture” occurs one should at once remark, “Is there anything I + can do?” This request should be repeated from time to time, + always taking care, however, that no one takes it at all + seriously. The real duty of a young man who is a “guest” on a + motor trip on which a “blow-out” occurs is, of course, to keep + the ladies of the party amused during the delay. This can be + accomplished by any of the conventional methods, such as card + tricks, handsprings, and other feats of athletic agility, or + making funny jokes about the host who is at work on the tire. + + When the damage has been repaired and the car is once more + speeding along, leaving behind it mile after mile of dusty road + as well as father’s best “jack” and set of tire tools, the small + boy will suddenly remark, “I’m hungry.” His father will then + reply, “We’ll be at a fine place to eat in ten minutes.” Thirty + minutes later mother will remark, “Will, that looks like a good + place for a picnic over there.” The father will reply, “No—we’re + coming to a wonderful place—just trust me, Mary!” Twenty minutes + later Aunt Florence will say, “Will, I think that grove over + there would be fine for our lunch,” to which the husband will + reply, “We’re almost at the place I know about—it’s ideal for a + picnic.” Forty minutes after this, father will stop the car and + point to a clump of trees. “There,” he will say, “what do you + think of that?” “Oh, we can’t eat _there!_” will be the answer of + mother, daughter and Aunt Florence. “Drive on a bit further—I + think I know a place.” + + Three hours and thirty minutes later (i. e. four hours past your + normal lunch hour) there will be another puncture and as the car + stops beside a wheat field it will begin to rain, and the + daughter will sigh, “Well, we might as well eat here.” The + “picnic” will then be held in the car, and nothing really quite + carries one back to nature and primeval man as does warm lemonade + and a lettuce sandwich in a Buick with the top up and side + curtains on. + + After lunch it will be time to return home, and after you and + father have ruined your clothes in repairing the punctures, the + merry party will proceed on its way. The next morning, if you + have not caught pneumonia, you will be able to go to your work + greatly refreshed by your day’s outing in the lap of old Mother + Nature. + +[Illustration] + +Correct Negotiations for a Seat in the Subway _Nowhere is the etiquette +of travel more abused than our subways. The gentleman shown above is en +route to his fiancée’s flat in the Bronx. He has neglected to purchase +the customary bouquet for his intended and has offered his seat to the +lady, who is standing, in exchange for her corsage bouquet. Should she +accept the proposition without further ado, or should she request the +guard to introduce the gentleman first?_ + +[Illustration] + +Old Fashioned Letter and Writers vs. Perfect Behavior _The young lady +has received an invitation to a quilting-bee from a Mrs. Steenwyck and, +anxious to make a correct reply, she has bought a Complete Letter +Writer to aid her to this end. To her surprise and dismay, she finds +that it contains three model replies to such an invitation beginning +“Dear Mrs. Peartree,” “Dear Mrs. Rombouts,” and “Dear Mrs. Bevy,” and +one invitation to a christening beginning, “Dear Mrs. Steenwyck,” but +no reply to an invitation to a quilting-bee beginning “Dear Mrs. +Steenwyck.”_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR _settles such perplexities._ + +[Illustration] + +What to Avoid in Crests _Crests or other armorial bearings on notepaper +are no longer considered absolutely necessary to establish one’s social +position. Nevertheless, if one feels that note-paper that does not bear +the family escutcheon is not quite all that note-paper should be, it is +permissible to have it stamped neatly at the top of the first sheet. +Care should be exercised to avoid selecting coats-of-arms that might be +recognized, such as that of the United States or Great Britain. Rather +solicit the taste of a good stationer than commit the blunders depicted +above._ + + BOXING IN AMERICAN SOCIETY + + Although many of America’s foremost boxers have been persons whom + one would not care to know socially, yet much fun and pleasure + can be had out of the “manly art” if practised in a gentlemanly + manner. + + “Boxing parties” are generally held in the evening. The ballroom + of one’s home can be pleasantly decorated for the occasion, with + a square ring roped off in the centre surrounded by seats for the + ladies and gentlemen who come as invited guests. Evening dress is + usually worn. + + The contests should be between various members of one’s social + “set” who are fond of the sport and can be counted on to remember + at all times that they are gentlemen. + + The matches should be arranged in tournament form, so that the + winner of one bout meets the winner of the next bout, et cetera, + until all but two have been eliminated. The boxer who wins this + final contest shall be proclaimed the “champion.” + + Great fun can then be had by announcing that the “champion” will + be permitted to box three rounds with a “masked marvel.” The + identity of this “unknown” (who is usually Jack Dempsey or some + other noted professional pugilist) should be kept carefully + secret, so that all the guests are in a glow of mystified + excitement when the contest begins, and you can imagine their + delight and happy enthusiasm when the “masked marvel” cleverly + knocks the “champion” for a double loop through the ropes into + the lap of some tittering “dowager.” + + Refreshments should then be served and the “champion” can be + carried home in a car or ambulance provided by the thoughtful + host. + + BRIDGE WHIST + + “Bridge whist,” or “Bridge,” as it is often called by the younger + generation, is rapidly replacing whist as the favorite card game + of good society, and “bridge” parties are much _en vogue_ for + both afternoon and evening entertainments. In order to become an + expert “bridge” player one must, of course, spend many months and + even years in a study of the game, but any gentleman or lady of + average intelligence can, I believe, pick up the fundamentals of + “bridge” in a short while. + + Let us suppose, for example, that you, as a “young man about + town,” are invited to play “bridge” on the evening of Friday, + November seventeenth, at the home of Mrs. Franklin Gregory. Now, + although you may have played the game only once or twice in your + life, it would never do to admit the fact, for in good society + one is supposed to play “bridge” just as one is supposed to hate + newspaper publicity, and on the evening of Friday, November + seventeenth, you should present yourself in suitable attire at + Mrs. Gregory’s home. + + There you will find fifteen or twenty other guests, and after a + few minutes of light social banter a bell will ring and the + players will take their places. At your table will be Mrs. F. + Jamison Dollings (your partner) and Mr. and Mrs. Theodore Watts. + Mrs. Dollings (Sept. 6, 1880) is considered one of the most + expert “bridge” players in the city, while Mr. Watts has one of + the largest retail clothing stores in the central part of the + State. Mrs. Watts was one of the Van Cortlandt girls (the plain + one). + + As you are probably (next to Mr. and Mrs. Watts) the worst + “bridge” player in the room it should be your duty to make up for + this deficiency by keeping the other three players + conversationally stimulated, for nothing so enlivens a game of + “bridge” as a young man or woman with a pleasing personality and + a gift for “small talk.” Thus, at the very beginning, after you + have finished dealing the cards, you should fill in what seems to + you an embarrassing pause by telling one of your cleverest + stories, at the conclusion of which Mrs. Dollings will remark, + “We are waiting for your bid, Mr. S——.” + + The etiquette of “bidding,” as far as you are concerned, should + resolve itself into a consistent effort on your part to become + “dummy” for each and every game. The minute your partner (Mrs. + Dollings) bids anything, it should be your duty as a gentleman to + see that she gets it, no matter what the cost. + + Thus, on the first hand, you “pass.” Mr. Watts then says, “Wait a + minute, till I get these cards fixed”; to which Mrs. Watts + replies, “Theodore, for Heaven’s sake, how long do you want?” Mr. + Watts then says, “Which is higher—clubs or hearts?” to which Mrs. + Watts replies, “Clubs.” Mrs. Dollings then says, “I beg your + pardon, but hearts have always been considered higher than + clubs.” Mrs. Watts says, “Oh, yes, of course,” and gives Mr. + Watts a mean look. Mr. Watts then says, “I bid—let’s see—I bid + two spades—no, two diamonds.” Mrs. Dollings quickly says, “Two + lilies,” Mr. Watts says, “What’s a lily?” to which Mrs. Watts + replies, “Theodore!” and then bids “Two spades,” at which Mrs. + Dollings says, “I beg your pardon, but I have just bid two + spades.” Mr. Watts then chuckles, and Mrs. Watts says (but not to + Mr. Watts), “I beg your pardon.” Mrs. Watts then bids “Three + spades,” at which you quickly say, “Four spades.” + + This bid is not “raised.” Mrs. Dollings then says to you, “I am + counting on your spades to help me out,” at which you look at the + only spade in your hand (the three) and answer, “Ha! Ha! Ha!” + There is then a wait of four minutes, at the end of which Mrs. + Dollings wearily says, “It is your first lead, is it not, Mrs. + Watts?” Mrs. Watts then blushes, says, “Oh, I beg your pardon!” + and leads the four of hearts. You then lay down your “dummy” + hand. Before Mrs. Dollings has had time to discover just what you + have done to her, you should rise quickly and say, “Excuse me, + but I want to use the telephone a minute.” You should then go + into the next room and wait ten or fifteen minutes. When you + return Mrs. Dollings will have disappeared, Mrs. Watts will be + looking fixedly at Mr. Watts, and Mr. Watts will be saying, + “Well, it’s a silly game, anyway.” + + You and Mr. and Mrs. Watts can then have a nice game of + twenty-five cent limit stud poker for the rest of the evening, + and it would certainly be considered a thoughtful and gracious + “gesture” if, during the next two or three weeks, you should call + occasionally at the hospital to see how Mrs. Dollings is “getting + on,” or you might even send some flowers or a nice potted plant. + + FORMAL AND INFORMAL DRINKING + + “Drinking” has, of course, always been a popular sport among the + members of the better classes of society, but never has the + enthusiasm for this pastime been so great in America as since the + advent of “prohibition.” Gentlemen and ladies who never before + cared much for “drinking” have now given up almost all other + amusements in favor of this fascinating sport; young men and + debutantes have become, in the last few years, fully as expert in + the game as their parents. In many cities “drinking” has become + more popular than “bridge” or dancing and it is predicted that, + with a few more years of “prohibition,” “drinking” will supersede + golf and baseball as the great American pastime. + + The effect of this has been to change radically many of the + fundamental rules of the sport, and the influence on the + etiquette of the game has been no less marked. What was + considered “good form” in this pastime among our forefathers now + decidedly _démodé_, and the correct drinker of 1910 is as + obsolete and out of date in the present decade as the + “frock-coat.” + + The game today is divided into (a) formal and (b) informal + drinking. “Formal drinking” is usually played after dinner and is + more and more coming to take the place of charades, + sleight-of-hand performances, magic lantern shows, “dumb crambo,” + et cetera, as the parlor amusement _par excellence_. “Formal + drinking” can be played by from one to fifteen people in a house + of ordinary dimensions; for a larger number it is generally + better to provide a garage, a large yard, and special police, + fire and plate glass insurance. The game is played with glasses, + ice, and a dozen bottles of either whisky or gin. + + The sport is begun by the host’s wife, who says, “How would you + all like to play a little bridge?” This is followed by silence. + Another wife then says, “I think it would be awfully nice to play + a little bridge.” One of the men players then steps forward and + says “I think it would be awfully nice to have a little drink.” + + An “It” is then selected—always, by courtesy, the host. The “It” + then says, “How would you all like to have a little drink?” The + men players then answer in the affirmative and the “It’s” wife + says, “Now Henry dear, please—remember what happened last time.” + The “It” replies, “Yes, dear,” and goes into the cellar, while + the “It’s” wife, after providing each guest with a glass, puts + away the Dresden china clock, the porcelain parrot. and the gold + fish globe. + + Sides are chosen—usually with the husbands on one “team” and the + wives on the other. The purpose of the game is for the + “husbands’, team” to try to drink up all the “It’s” liquor before + the “wives’ team” can get them to go home. + + When the “It” returns with the liquor he pours out a portion for + each player and at a given signal all drink steadily for several + minutes. The “It’s” wife then says, “Now—how about a few rubbers + of bridge?” She is immediately elected “team captain” for the + rest of the evening. It is the duty of the “team captain” to + provide cracked ice and water, to get ready the two spare + bedrooms, to hold Wallie Spencer’s hand, to keep Eddie Armstrong + from putting his lighted cigaret ends on the piano, and to break + up the party as soon as possible. The game generally ends when + (1) the liquor is all gone, (2) the “It” (or three guests) have + passed “out,” (3) Wallie Spencer starts telling about his war + experiences. “Informal” drinking needs, of course, no such + elaborate preparations and can be played anywhere and any time + there is anything to drink. The person who is caught with the + liquor is “It,” and the object of the game is to take all the + liquor away from the “It” as soon as possible. In order to avoid + being “It,” many players sometimes resort to various low + subterfuges, such as sneaking down alone to the club locker-room + during a dance, but this practise is generally looked upon with + great disfavor—especially by that increasingly large group of + citizens who are unselfishly devoting their lives to the cause of + a “dry America” by consuming all of the present rapidly + diminishing visible supply. + + A JOLLY HALLOWE’EN PARTY + + The problem of providing suitable entertainment for one’s + informal parties is something which has perplexed many a host and + hostess in recent years. How often has it happened that just when + you had gotten your guests nicely seated around the parlor + listening to the Caruso record, some ill-mannered fellow would + remark, “Oh, Lord—let’s go over to the Tom Phillips’ and get + something to drink.” How many times in the past have you prepared + original little “get-together” games, such as Carol Kennicott did + in _Main Street_, only to find that, when you again turned the + lights on, half the company had disappeared for the evening. + + Of course we cannot all be as startlingly clever as Carol, but + Hallowe’en, which comes this year on October 31st, offers a + splendid opportunity for originality and “peppy” fun. The + following suggestions are presented to ambitious hostesses with + the absolute guaranty that no matter what other reactions her + guests may have, they will certainly not be bored. + +[Illustration] + +Care Should Be Exercised in the Choice of Post-Cards _Few people +realize the value of picture post-cards as indicators of the birth, +breeding, and character of the sender, yet nothing so definitely +“places” a person socially as his choice of these souvenirs. Could you +have selected the senders of the above cards?_ + +[Illustration] + +Cards Concealed about the Person Betray the Boor _In spite of his +haughty airs and fine clothes, the gentleman betrays that he is not +much accustomed to good society when, having been asked by his hostess +if he would care to remove his coat and waistcoat during the warm +evening of bridge, he, in doing so, reveals the presence of several +useful cards hidden about his person. This sort of thing, while often +tolerated at less formal “stag” poker-parties, is seldom, ever, +permissible when ladies are present. The young man was simply ignorant +of the fact that Hoyle and not Herman the Great is the generally +accepted authority on cards in the “beau monde.”_ + + INVITATIONS + + The whole spirit of Hallowe’en is, of course, one of “spooky” + gayety and light-hearted ghastliness. Witches and ghosts run + riot; corpses dance and black cats howl. “More work for the + undertaker” should be the leitmotif of the evening’s fun. + + The moribund spirit can be delightfully observed, first of all, + in the preparation of the invitations. I know of one hostess, for + instance, who gained a great reputation for originality by + enclosing a dead fish with each bidding to the evening’s + gayeties. It is, of course, not at all necessary to follow her + example to the letter; the enclosure of anything dead will + suffice, providing, of course, that it is not TOO dead. There is + such a thing as carrying a joke beyond the limits of propriety, + and the canons of good taste should always be respectfully + observed. + + Another amusing way of preparing invitations is to cut out + colored paper in the shape of cats, witches, etc., upon which + appropriate verses are inscribed. Such as: + + “Next Monday night is Hallowe’en, + You big stiff.” + or + “On Monday next comes All-Hallows-Even, + My grandmother’s maiden name was Stephens.” + or + “On Hallowe’en you may see a witch + If you don’t look out, you funny fellow.” + or + “Harry and I are giving a Hallowe’en party; + Harry says you owe him four dollars; please be prompt. + or + “Monday night the ghosts do dance; + Why didn’t you enlist and go to France, + You slacker?” + + Another novel invitation is made by cutting a piece of yellow + paper thirteen inches long and four inches wide, and writing on + each inch one of the lines given below. Then begin at the bottom + and fold the paper up, inch by inch. Fasten the last turn down + with a “spooky” gummed sticker, and slip into a small envelope. + When the recipient unfolds the invitation, he will be surprised + to read the following: + + Now what on earth + do you suppose + is in this + little folder + keep turning + ha ha ha + further + ha ha ha + further + ha ha ha, + further + ha ha ha + further + + It would perhaps be best to telephone the next day to those + guests whom you really want, and give them further details as to + the date and time of the party. Additional fun can be gotten out + of this invitation by failing to put postage stamps on the + envelopes when you mail them; the two cents which each guest will + have to pay for postage due can be returned in a novel manner on + the night of the party by inserting them in sandwiches or stuffed + tomatoes. + + For those who may wish to send out more elaborate invitations, + the following distinctly original plan is suggested: Procure a + number of small alarm clocks and a quantity of nitroglycerine or + other high explosive. Insert in each clock a small amount of the + nitroglycerine, being careful not to put too much; a quantity + sufficient to wreck a room 20 X 30 Will generally suffice. Then + arrange the alarm mechanism so that the explosion will occur at + 12 midnight. Attach to the clock a card, neatly decorated with + witches, goblins, etc., on which is written + + “Midnight is the mystic hour + Of yawning graves and coffins dour. + Beneath your bed this clock please hide + And when it strikes—you’ll be surprised.” + + These clocks should then be delivered in the afternoon to those + of the guests whom you are merely inviting because they are your + husband’s business associates, or because they were nice to your + mother when she did her own work. Later on, in order to avoid + hard feelings on the part of relatives and friends of the + deceased, it might be well to explain to them that you sent the + clocks only in the spirit of Hallowe’en fun; it might even help + to invite them to one of your next parties. + + RECEIVING THE GUESTS + + On Hallowe’en night great care should be taken in the + preparations for receiving the guests in a mystic manner; no + pains should be spared in the effort to start the evening off + with a “bang.” + + Several novel ideas are offered for starting the guests off on + the right informal spirit. Before they arrive, it is a good plan + to take the street number off your house and fasten it to the + porch of your next door neighbors, who will, of course, be at + home because they are perfectly impossible people whom no one + would invite anywhere. Extinguish all the lights in your own + house; your neighbor, as he comes downstairs twenty-five or + thirty times in the next hour, will obligingly tell your + bewildered friends specifically where to go. + + When the guest finally learns from the neighborhood policeman + which house on the block is really yours he will discover on your + door a sign reading: + + “If you would be my Valentine, + Follow please the bright green line.” + + Leading from the door is a green cord which the mystified guest + proceeds to follow, according to directions. This cord should + guide the way to the coal cellar of your other neighbor who has + recently purchased an automatic revolver under the delusion that + burglars are operating in the neighborhood. As your bewildered + guest gropes his way about the cellar, it is quite likely that he + will be shot at several times and by the time he emerges (if he + does emerge) he will be quite delightfully full of the informal + spirit of Hallowe’en and ready for anything. + + HOW TO MYSTIFY + + At this point, your wife, dressed as a witch, should unexpectedly + rush out at him; there is always the delightful possibility that + he will pick up a convenient rock and brain her on the spot—an + event which often adds an unexpected touch of gayety to the + evening’s fun. If, however, no such event occurs, the guest + should be blindfolded and led into the house. Once inside he is + conducted upstairs to the attic, where he will find three or four + earlier arrivals also blindfolded. + + The hands and feet of these four are then securely tied and they + are told that they are to be left there all evening. This is + really a great joke, because they do not, of course, at the time, + believe what you say, and when you come up to untie them the next + morning, their shame-faced discomposure is truly laughable. + + The green-cord-into-neighbor’s-coal-cellar joke can be cleverly + varied by taking the lid off your cistern and making the green + line lead in that direction. Great care should be taken, however, + to keep an exact account of the number of guests who succumb to + this trick, for although an unexpected “ducking” is + excruciatingly humorous, drowning often results fatally. + + Great fun can be added to the evening’s entertainment by dressing + several of the guests as ghosts, witches, corpses, etc; these + costumes can be quite simply and economically made in the home, + or can be procured from some reliable department store. + + An “old-fashioned” witch’s costume consists of a union suit + (Munsing or any other standard brand), corset, brassiere, + chemise, underpetticoat, overpetticoat, long black skirt, long + black stockings, shoes, black waist and shawl, with a pointed + witch’s hat and a broomstick. The “modern” witch’s costume is + much simpler and inexpensive in many details. + + A particularly novel and “hair raising” effect may be produced by + painting the entire body of one of the male guests with + phosphorus. As this glowing nude stalks uncannily through the + darkened rooms you may easily imagine the ghastly + effect—especially upon his wife. + + GAMES + + After the guests have sufficiently amused themselves with the + ghosts and witches it will be time to commence some of the many + games which are always associated with Hallowe’en. “Bobbing for + apples” is, of course, the most common of these games and great + sport it is, too, to watch the awkward efforts of the guests as + they try to pick up with their teeth the apples floating in a + large tub. I know of one hostess who added greatly to the + evening’s fun by pouring twelve quarts of gin into the tub; the + effect on the bobbers was, of course, extremely comical, except + for the unfortunate conduct of two gentlemen, one of whom went to + sleep in the tub, the other so far forgetting himself as + playfully to throw all the floating fruit at the hostess’ pet + Pomeranian. + + Most Hallowe’en games concern themselves with delving into the + future in the hopes that one may there discover one’s husband or + bride-to-be. In one of these games the men stand at one end of + the room, facing the girls, with their hands behind their backs + and eyes tightly closed. The girls are blindfolded and one by one + they are led to within six feet of the expectant men and given a + soft pin cushion which they hurl forward. The tradition is that + whichever man the girl hits, him will she marry. Great fun can be + added to the game by occasionally substituting a rock or iron + dumb-bell in place of the romantic pin cushion. + + Another game based on a delightful old Hallowe’en tradition is as + follows: A girl is given a lighted candle and told to walk + upstairs into the room at the end of the hall where, by looking + in a mirror, she will see her future husband. Have it arranged so + that you are concealed alone in the room. When the girl arrives, + look over her shoulder into the mirror. She had better go + downstairs after ten minutes, though, so that another girl can + come up. This tradition dates from before William the Conqueror. + + No Hallowe’en is complete, of course, without fortune telling. + Dress yourself as a wizard and have the guests led in one by one + to hear their fortune told. Hanging in front of you should be a + caldron, from which you extract the slip of paper containing the + particular fortune. These slips of paper should be prepared + beforehand. The following are suggested: + + “You will meet a well dressed, good looking man who understands + you better than your husband. How about Thursday at the Plaza?” + + “You are about to receive a shipment of Scotch whisky that you + ordered last month. And it’s about time you kicked across with + some of your own.” + + “You will have much trouble in your life if you lie about your + golf score as you did last Sunday on Number 12.” + + Still another pleasing Hallowe’en game, based on the revelation + of one’s matrimonial future, is played as follows: Seven lighted + candles are placed in a row on a table. The men are then + blindfolded, whirled around three times and commanded to blow out + the candles. The number extinguished at a blow tells the number + of years before they meet their bride. This game only grows + interesting, of course, when some old goat with long whiskers can + be induced to take a blind shot at blowing out the candles. Have + Pyrene convenient—but not too convenient to spoil the fun. + + For the older members of the party, the host should provide + various games of cards and dice. In keeping with the ghastly + spirit of the occasion, it would be well to have the dice + carefully loaded. Many hosts have thus been able to make all + expenses and often a handsome profit out of the evening’s + entertainment. + + If the crap game goes particularly well, many hosts do not + hesitate to provide elaborate refreshments for the guests. Here, + too, the spirit of fun and jollity should prevail, and great + merriment is always provoked by the ludicrous expression of the + guest who has broken two teeth on the cast-iron olive. Other + delightful surprises should be arranged, and a little Sloan’s + liniment in the punch or ground glass in the ice cream will go a + long way toward making the supper amusing. And finally, when the + guests are ready to depart and just before they discover that you + have cut cute little black cats and witches out of the backs of + their evening wraps and over coats, it would perhaps be well to + run up stairs and lock yourself securely in your room. + + + + +CHAPTER EIGHT: CORRESPONDENCE AND INVITATIONS + + + CORRESPONDENCE + + It is narrated of a well-known English lady (who is noted on the + other side of the Atlantic for the sharpness of her wit) that on + one occasion, when a vainglorious American was boasting of his + country’s prowess in digging the Panama Canal, she calmly waited + until he had finished and then replied, with an indescribable + smile, “Ah—but you Americans do not know how to write letters.” + Needless to say the discomfited young man took himself off at the + earliest opportunity. + + There is much truth, alas, in the English lady’s clever retort, + for the automatic typewriter, the telegraph, and the penny postal + card have done much to cause a gradual decline in the gentle art + of correspondence. As one American woman recently remarked to a + visitor (with more wit, however, than good taste), “Yes, we do + have correspondents here—but they are all in the divorce courts.” + + CORRESPONDENCE FOR YOUNG LADIES + + There are certain rules in regard to correct letter-writing which + must be followed by all who would “take their pen in hand.” Young + people are the most apt to offend in this respect against the + accepted canons of good taste and it is to these that I would + first address the contents of this chapter. A young girl often + lets her high spirits run away with her _amour propre_, with the + result that her letters, especially those addressed to strangers, + are often lacking in that dignity which is the _sine qua non_ of + correct correspondence. + + Consider, for example, the following two letters composed by Miss + Florence ......, a debutante of New York City, who is writing to + a taxidermist thanking him for his neat work in having recently + stuffed her deceased pet Alice. The first of these letters + illustrates the evil to which I have just referred, viz., the + complete absence of proper dignity. The second, written with the + aid of her mama, whose experience in social affairs has been + considerable, shows the correct method of corresponding with + comparative strangers. + + An Incorrect Letter from a Débutante to a Taxidermist Thanking + Him for Having Stuffed Her Pet Alice + + DEAR MR. Epps: + + Aren’t you an old _peach_ to have gone and stuffed Alice so prettily! + Really, Mr. Epps, I never saw such a knockout piece of taxidermy, + even in Europe, and I simply adore it. Mother gave a dinner party + last night and _everybody_ was just wild about it and wanted to know + who had done it. How on _earth_ did you manage to get the wings to + stay like that? And the eyes are just too priceless for words. + Honestly, every time I look at it, it’s so _darned_ natural that I + can’t believe Alice is really dead. I guess you must be pretty + dog-goned crazy about birds yourself to have done such a lovely job + on Alice, and I guess you know how perfectly sick I was over her + death. Honestly, Mr. Epps, she was such a _peach_ of an owl. But I + suppose it had to be, and anyway, thanks just heaps for having done + such a really perfectly gorgeous bit of taxidermy. + + Gratefully, + FLORENCE CHASE. + _593 Fifth Avenue, + New York City._ + + The above is, you observe, quite lacking in that reserve with + which young ladies should always treat strange gentlemen and + especially those who are not in their own social “set.” Slang may + be excusable in shop girls or baseball players, but never in the + mouth of a young lady with any pretensions to breeding. And the + use of “darned” and “dog-goned” is simply unpardonable. Notice, + now, the way in which Miss Florence writes the letter after, her + mama has given her the proper instruction. + + A Correct Letter from a Débutante to a Taxidermist Thanking Him + for Having Stuffed Her Pet Alice + + Mr. Lloyd Epps, Taxidermist, + New York City. + DEAR SIR: + + It is with sincere pleasure that I take my pen in hand to compliment + you upon the successful manner in which you have rendered your + services as taxidermist upon my late owl Alice. Death in the animal + kingdom is all too often regarded with an unbecoming levity or, at + least, a careless lack of sympathetic appreciation, and it is with + genuine feelings of gratitude that I pen these lines upon the + occasion of the receipt of the sample of the excellent manner in + which you have performed your task. Of the same opinion is my father, + a vice-president of the Guaranty Trust Co., and himself a taxidermist + of no inconsiderable merit, who joins me in expressing to you our + most grateful appreciation. + + Sincerely yours, + FLORENCE ELIOT CHASE. + _December_ 11, 1922. + +[Illustration] + +It Is Not the Custom to Comment on the Quantity of Soup Consumed by a +Guest _The young man is leaving the home of his host in “high dudgeon.” +He is of the type rather slangily known among the members of our +younger set as “finale hopper” which means, in the “King’s English,” +one who is very fond of dancing. His indignation is well founded, since +it is not the custom among members of the socially elite to comment in +the presence of the guest on either the quantity of soup consumed or +the method of consumption adopted. These things should be left for the +privacy of the boudoir or smoking den where they will afford much +innocent amusement. Nor is the host mending matters by his kindly meant +but perhaps tactless offer of a nickel for carfare._ + +[Illustration] + +False Teeth Should Remain in the Mouth throughout any Given Dinner _The +gentleman with the excellent teeth has just been guilty of a gross +social error. Wrongly supposing that the secret of popularity lies in a +helpful spirit and having discovered that the son of his hostess is +about to enter a dental school, he has removed the excellent teeth +(false) from his mouth and passed them around for inspection. The fact +that the teeth are of the latest mode does not in any way condone the +breach. Leniency in such matters is not recommended. “Facilis descensus +Averni” as one of the great poets of the Middle Ages so aptly put it._ + + COLLEGE BOYS + + It is the tendency of the age to excuse many social errors in + young people, and especially is this true of the mischievous + pranks of college boys. If Harvard football heroes and their + “rooters,” for example, wish to let their hair grow long and wear + high turtle-necked red “sweaters,” corduroy trousers and huge + “frat” pins, I, for one, can see no grave objection, for “boys + will be boys” and I am, I hope, no “old fogy” in such matters. + But I also see no reason why these same young fellows should not + be interested in the graces of the salon and the arts of the + drawing-room. Consider, for example, the following two letters, + illustrating the correct and incorrect method in which two young + college men should correspond, and tell me if there is not some + place in our college curriculum for a Professor of Deportment: + + An Incorrect Letter from a Princeton Student to a Yale Student + Congratulating the Latter on His Football Victory + + DEAR MIKE: + Here’s your damn money. I was a fool to give you odds. ED. P. S. What + happened at the Nass? I woke up Sunday with a terrific welt on my + forehead and somebody’s hat with the initials L. G. T., also a Brooks + coat. Do you know whose they are? P. P. S. Please for God’s sake + don’t cash this check until the fifteenth or I’m ruined. + + And here is the way in which I would suggest that this same + letter be indited. + + A Correct Letter from a Princeton Student to a Yale Student + Congratulating the Latter on His Football Victory + + MY DEAR “FRIENDLY ENEMY”: + Well, well, it was a jolly game, wasn’t it, and it was so good to see + you in “Old Nassau.” I am sorry that you could not have come earlier + in the fall, when the trees were still bronze and gold. I also regret + exceedingly that you did not stay over until Sunday, for it would + have been such a treat to have taken you to see the Graduate School + buildings and the Cleveland Memorial Tower. However, “better luck + next time.” + The enclosed check is, as you may well guess, in payment of our wager + on the result of the gridiron-contest. Truly, I am almost glad that I + lost, for I can not but think that gambling in any form is at best an + unprofitable diversion, and this has taught me, I hope, a lesson from + which I may well benefit. Do not think me a “prig,” dear Harry, I beg + of you, for I am sure that you will agree with me that even a + seemingly innocent wager on a football match may lead in later life + to a taste for gambling with dice and cards or even worse. Shall we + not agree to make this our last wager—or at least, next time, let us + not lend it the appearance of professional gambling by giving “odds,” + such as I gave you this year. + You must have thought it frightfully rude of me not to have seen you + to the train after that enjoyable evening at the Nassau Inn, but to + tell you the truth, Harry, the nervous excitement of the day proved + too much for me and I was forced to retire. My indisposition was + further accentuated by a slight mishap which befell me outside the + Inn but which need cause you no alarm as a scalp wound was the only + result and a few days’ rest in my cozy dormitory room will soon set + matters to rights. I trust, however, that you will explain to your + friends the cause of my sudden departure and my seeming + inhospitality. Such jolly fellows they were—and I am only too glad to + find that the “bulldogs” are as thoroughly nice as the chaps we have + down here. Incidentally, I discovered, somewhat to my dismay, as you + may well imagine, that in taking my departure I inadvertently “walked + off” with the hat and overcoat of one of your friends whose initials + are L. G. T. I am mortified beyond words and shall send the garments + to you by the next post with my deepest apologies to the unlucky + owner. + Rest assured, Harry my friend, that I am looking forward to visiting + you some time in the near future, for I have always been curious to + observe the many interesting sights of “Eli land.” Particularly + anxious am I to see the beautiful trees which have given New Haven + its name of “the City of Elms,” and the collection of primitive + paintings for which your college is justly celebrated. And in closing + may I make the slight request that you postpone the cashing of my + enclosed check until the fifteenth of this month, as, due to some + slight misunderstanding, I find that my account is in the unfortunate + condition of being “overdrawn.” + Believe me, Harry, with kindest regards to your nice friends and + yourself and with congratulations on the well deserved victory of + your “eleven,” Your devoted friend and well wisher, EDWARD ELLIS + COCHRAN. + + LETTERS TO PARENTS + + Of course, when young people write to the members of their + immediate family, it is not necessary that they employ such + reserve as in correspondence with friends. The following letter + well illustrates the change in tone which is permissible in such + intimate correspondence: + + A Correct Letter from a Young Lady in Boarding School to Her + Parents + + DEAR MOTHER: + Of course I am terribly glad that you and father are thinking of + coming to visit me here at school next week, but don’t you think it + would be better if, instead of your coming all the way up here, I + should come down and stay with you in New York? The railroad trip up + here will be very hard on you, as the trains are usually late and the + porters and conductors are notorious for their gruffness and it is + awfully hard to get parlor-car seats and you know what sitting in a + day-coach means. I should love to have you come only I wouldn’t want + you or father to get some terrible sickness on the train and last + month there were at least three wrecks on that road, with many + fatalities, and when you get here the accommodations aren’t very good + for outsiders, many of the guests having been severely poisoned only + last year by eating ripe olives and the beds, they say, are extremely + hard. Don’t you really think it would be ever so much nicer if you + and father stayed in some comfortable hotel in New York with all the + conveniences in the world and there are some wonderful things at the + theaters which you really ought to see. I could probably get + permission from Miss Spencer to come and visit you over Saturday and + Sunday if you are stopping at one of the five hotels on her + “permitted” list. + However, if you do decide to come here, perhaps it would be better to + leave father in New York because I know he wouldn’t like it at all + with nothing but women and girls around and I am sure that he + couldn’t get his glass of hot water in the morning before breakfast + and he would have a much better time in New York. But if he does come + please mother don’t let him wear that old gray hat or that brown + suit, and mother couldn’t you get him to get some gloves and a cane + in New York before he comes? And please, mother dear, make him put + those “stogies” of his in an inside pocket and would you mind, + mother, not wearing that brooch father’s employees gave you last + Christmas? + I shall be awfully glad to see you both but as I say it would be + better if you let me come to New York where you and father will be + ever so much more comfortable. Your loving daughter, JEANNETTE. + + LETTERS FROM PARENTS + + THE same familiarity may be observed by parents when + corresponding with their children, with, of course, the addition + of a certain amount of dignity commensurate with the fact that + they are, as it were, _in loco parentis_. The following example + will no doubt be of aid to parents in correctly corresponding + with their children: + + A Correct Letter from a Mother to Her Son Congratulating Him on + His Election to the Presidency of the United States + + DEAR FREDERICK: + I am very glad that you have been elected President of the United + States, Frederick, and I hope that now you will have sense enough to + see Dr. Kincaid about your teeth. It would be well to have him give + you a thorough looking over at this time. And Mrs. Peasely has given + me the name of a splendid throat specialist in New York whom I wish + you would see as soon as possible, for it has been almost a year + since you went to Dr. Ryan. Are you getting good wholesome food? Mrs. + Dennison stopped in this morning and she told me that Washington is + very damp in the spring and I think you had better get a new + overcoat—a heavy warm one. She also told me the name of a place where + you can buy real woolen socks and pajamas. I hope that you aren’t + going to be so foolish as to wear those short B. V. D.’s all winter + because now that you are president you must take care of yourself, + Edward dear. Are you keeping up those exercises in the morning? I + found those dumb-bells of yours in the attic yesterday and will send + them on to you if you wish. And, dear, please keep your throat + covered when you go out—Mrs. Kennedy says that the subways are always + cold and full of draughts. I saw a picture of you at the “movies” the + other evening and you were making a speech in the rain without a hat + or rubbers. Your uncle Frederick was just such a fool as you are + about wearing rubbers and he almost died of pneumonia the winter we + moved to Jefferson Avenue. Be sure and let me know what Dr. Kincaid + says and tell him _everything_. Your _loving_ mother. P. S. What + direction does your window face? + + LETTERS TO PROSPECTIVE FATHERS-IN-LAW + + A young man desiring to marry a young girl does not, in polite + society, “pop the question” to her by mail, unless she happens, + at the time, to be out of the city or otherwise unable to + “receive.” It is often advisable, however, after she has said + “yes,” to write a letter to her father instead of calling on him + to ask for his permission to the match, as a personal interview + is often apt to result unsatisfactorily. In writing these letters + to prospective fathers-in-law, the cardinal point is, of course, + the creation by the young man of a good impression in the mind of + the father, and for this purpose he should study to make his + letter one which will appeal irresistibly to the older + gentleman’s habits and tastes. + + Thus, in writing to a father who is above everything else a + “business man,” the following form is suggested: + + A Correct Letter to a Prospective Father-in-Law Who Is a Business + Man + + My letter, 10-6-22 Your letter, In + reply please refer to: ———— + File—Love—personal— N. Y.—1922 No. G, + 16 19 Mr. Harrison Williams, Vice-Pres. + Kinnear-Williams Mfg. Co., Buffalo, N. + Y. + DEAR SIR: + Confirming verbal message of even date re: being in love with your + daughter, this is to advise that I am in love with your daughter. Any + favorable action which you would care to take in this matter would be + greatly appreciated. Yours truly, EDWARD FISH. Copy to your Daughter + per E. F. “ “ “ Wife EF/F + + Or, should the girl’s father be prominent in the advertising + business, the following would probably create a favorable + impression, especially if printed on a blotter or other useful + article: + + A Correct Letter to a Prospective Father-in-Law Who Is in the + Advertising Business + + JUST A MOMENT! + Have you ever stopped to consider the problem of grandchildren? + Do you know, for example, that ONLY 58% of the fathers in America are + GRANDFATHERS? + Did it ever occur to you that only 39% of the grandfathers in America + EVER HAVE GRANDCHILDREN? + Honestly, now, don’t there come moments, after the day’s work is done + and you are sitting in your slippers before the fire, when you would + give any thing in the world for a soft little voice to call you + GRANDPA? + _Be fair to your daughter Give her a College educated husband!_ + COMPLIMENTS OF EDWARD FISH + + Perhaps, if the old gentleman is employed in the Credit + Department of Brooks Brothers, Frank Brothers, or any one of the + better class stores, the following might prove effective: + + A Correct Letter to a Prospective Father-in-Law Who Is Employed + in a Credit Department + + MY DEAR MR. ROBERTS: 10-6-22 + I am writing you in regard to a little matter of matrimony which no + doubt you have overlooked in the press of business elsewhere. This is + not to be considered as a “dun” but merely as a gentle reminder of + the fact that it would be extremely agreeable if you could see fit to + let me marry your daughter before the first of next month. I feel + sure that you will give this matter your immediate attention. Yours + truly, ED. FISH. + 11-2-22 DEAR MR. ROBERTS: + As you have not as yet replied to my communication of 10-6-22 + regarding marriage to your daughter, I presume that you were not at + the time disposed to take care of the matter to which I referred. I + feel sure that upon consideration you will agree that my terms are + exceedingly liberal and I must therefore request that you let me have + some word from you before the first of next month. Yours truly, + EDWARD FISH. + (Registered Mail) 12-2-22 DEAR SIR: + You have not as yet replied to my communication of 10-6-22 and + 11-2-22. I should regret exceedingly being forced to place this + matter in the hands of my attorneys, Messrs. Goldstein and + Nusselmann, 41 City Nat’l Bank Bldg. E. FISH. + + Of course, it would never do to carry this series to its + conclusion and if no reply is received to this last letter it + might be well to call on the gentleman in his place of + business—or, possibly, it might even be better to call off the + engagement. “None but the brave deserve the fair”—but there is + also a line in one of Byron’s poems which goes, I believe, “Here + sleep the brave.” + + LOVE LETTERS + + A young man corresponding with his fiancée is never, of course, + as formal as in his letters to other people. This does not mean, + however, that his correspondence should be full of silly + meaningless “nothings.” On the contrary, he should aim to + instruct and benefit his future spouse as well as convey to her + his tokens of affection. The following letter well illustrates + the manner in which a young man may write his fiancée a letter + which, while it is replete with proper expressions of amatory + good will, yet manages to embody a fund of sensible and useful + information: + + A Correct Letter from a Young Man Traveling in Europe to His + Fiancée + + MY DEAREST EDITH: + How I long to see you—to hold tight your hand—to look into your eyes. + But alas! you are in Toledo and I am in Paris, which, as you know, is + situated on the Seine River near the middle of the so-called Paris + basin at a height above sea-level varying from 85 feet to 419 feet + and extending 7 1/2 miles from W. to E. and 5 1/2 miles from N. to S. + But, dearest, I carry your image with me in my heart wherever I go in + this vast city with its population (1921) of 2,856,986 and its + average mean rainfall Of 2.6 inches, and I wish—oh, how I wish—that + you might be here with me. Yesterday, for example, I went to the Père + Lachaise cemetery which is the largest (106 acres) and most + fashionable cemetery in Paris, its 90,148 (est.) tombs forming a + veritable open-air sculpture gallery. And what do you think I found + there which made me think of you more than ever? Not the tombs of La + Fontaine (d. 1695) and Molière (d. 1673) whose remains, transferred + to this cemetery in 1804, constituted the first interments—not the + last resting place of Rosa Bonheur (d. 1899) or the victims of the + Opéra Comique fire (1887)—no, dearest, it was the tomb of Abelard and + Heloïse, those late 11th early 12th century lovers, and you may well + imagine what thoughts, centering upon a young lady whose first name + begins with E, filled my heart as I gazed at this impressive tomb, + the canopy of which is composed of sculptured fragments collected by + Lenoir from the Abbey of Nogent-sur-Seine (Aube). + Edith dearest, I am sitting in my room gazing first at your dear + picture and then out of my window at the Eiffel Tower which is the + tallest structure in the world, being 984 feet high (Woolworth + Building 750 feet, Washington Obelisk 555 feet, Great Pyramid 450 + feet). And although it may sound too romantic, yet it seems to me, + dearest, that our love is as strong and as sturdy as this masterpiece + of engineering construction which weighs 7,000 tons, being composed + of 12,000 pieces of metal fastened by 2,500,000 iron rivets. + Farewell, my dearest one—I must go now to visit the Catacombs, a huge + charnelhouse which is said to contain the remains of nearly three + million persons, consisting of a labyrinth of galleries lined with + bones and rows of skulls through which visitors are escorted on the + first and third Saturday of each month at 2 P. M. I long to hold you + in my arms. Devotedly, PAUL. + + CORRESPONDENCE OF PUBLIC OFFICIALS + + Congressmen and other public officials are as a rule more careful + correspondents than are men whose letters are never to be seen by + the public at large. There is a certain well-defined form for a + letter meant for public consumption which distinguishes it from + correspondence of a more private nature. Thus a Congressman, + writing a “public letter,” would cast it in the following form: + + A Correct “Public Letter” from a Congressman + + Mr. Ellison Lothrop, Vice-Pres. Washington Co.. “Better Citizenship” + League, + MY DEAR MR. LOTHROP: + You have requested that I give to the Washington County Better + Citizenship League, of which you are an active vice-president, some + expression of my views upon the question of Prohibition. + Sir, can there be any doubt as to the belief of every right thinking + American citizen in this matter? The Eighteenth Amendment is here and + here, thank God, to stay! The great benefit which Prohibition has + done to the poor and the working classes is reason enough for its + continued existence. It is for the manufacturers, the professional + class, the capitalists to give up gladly whatever small pleasure they + may have derived from the use of alcohol, in order that John Jones, + workingman, may have money in the bank and a happy home, instead of + his Saturday night debauch. In every democracy the few sacrifice for + the many—“the greatest good of the greatest number” is the slogan. + And I, for one, am proud to have been a member of that legislative + body which passed so truly God-bidden and democratic an act as the + Eighteenth Amendment. + I beg to remain, with best wishes to your great organization, + Sincerely yours, WALTER G. TOWNSLEY. + + A Correct Private Letter of a Congressman + + DEAR BOB: + Tell that fellow on Mulberry Street that I will pay $135 a case for + Scotch and $90 for gin _delivered_ and not a cent more. W. G. T. + +[Illustration] + +Vision and Ingenuity in Courtship _The problem of an introduction when +there is no mutual acquaintance is sometimes perplexing. But the young +man, having had the good taste to purchase a copy of_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR, +_is having no difficulty. He has fastened a rope across the sidewalk in +front of the lady’s house and, with the aid of a match and some +kerosene, has set fire to the house. Driven by the heat, the young lady +will eventually emerge and in her haste will fall over the rope. To a +gentleman of gallantry and ingenuity the rest should be comparatively +simple._ + +[Illustration] + +“Say It with Flowers” _A knowledge of the language of flowers is +essential to a successful courtship and may avoid much unnecessary +pain. With the best intentions in the world the young man is about to +present the young lady with a flower of whose meaning he is in total +ignorance. The young lady, being a faithful student of_ PERFECT +BEHAVIOR, _knows its exact meaning and it will be perfectly correct for +her to turn and, with a frigid bow, break the pot over the young man’s +head. Alas, how differently this romance might have ended if the +so-called “friends” of the young man had tactfully but firmly pointed +out to him the value of a book on etiquette such as_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR. + + LETTERS TO NEWSPAPERS, MAGAZINES, ETC. + + Another type of public correspondence is the letter which is + intended for publication in some periodical. This is usually + written by elderly gentlemen with whiskers and should be cast in + the following form: + + A Correct Letter from an Elderly Gentleman to the Editor of a + Newspaper or Magazine + + To the Editor: SIR: + On February next, _Deo volente_, I shall have been a constant reader + of your worthy publication for forty-one years. I feel, sir, that + that record gives me the right _ipso facto_ to offer my humble + criticism of a statement made in your November number by that worthy + critic of the drama, Mr. Heywood Broun. _Humanum est errare_, and I + am sure that Mr. Broun (with whom I have unfortunately not the honour + of an acquaintance) will forgive me for calling his attention to what + is indeed a serious, and I might say, unbelievable, misstatement. In + my younger days, now long past, it was not considered _infra dig_ for + a critic to reply to such letters as this, and I hope that Mr. Broun + will deem this epistle worthy of consideration, and recognize the + justice of my complaint. + I remember well a controversy that raged between critic and public + for many weeks in the days when Joe Jefferson was playing Rip Van + Winkle. Ah, sir, do you remember (but, of course, you don’t) that + entrance of Joe in the first act with his dog Schneider? That was not + my first play by many years, but I believe that it is still my + favorite. I think the first time I ever attended a dramatic + performance was in the winter of ’68 when I was a student at Harvard + College. Five of us freshmen went into the old Boston Museum to see + _Our American Cousin_. Joe Chappell was with us that night and the + two Dawes boys and, I think, Elmer Mitchell. One of the Dawes twins + was, I believe, afterwards prominent in the Hayes administration. + There were many men besides Will Dawes in that Harvard class who were + heard from in later years. Ed Twitchell for one, and “Sam” Caldwell, + who was one of the nominees for vice president in ’92. I sat next to + Sam in “Bull” Warren’s Greek class. _There_ was one of the finest + scholars this country has ever produced—a stern taskmaster, and a + thorough gentleman. It would be well for this younger generation if + they could spend a few hours in that old classroom, with “Bull” + pacing up and down the aisle and all of us trembling in our shoes. + But _Delenda est Carthago—fuit Ilium—Requiescat in pace_. I last saw + “Bull” at our fifteenth reunion and we were all just as afraid of him + as in the old days at Hollis. + But I digress. _Tempus fugit_,—which reminds me of a story “Billy” + Hallowell once told at a meeting of the American Bar Association in + Minneapolis, in 1906. Hallowell was perhaps the most brilliant + after-dinner speaker I have ever heard—with the possible exception of + W. D. Evarts. I shall never forget the speech that Evarts made during + the second Blaine campaign. + But I digress. Your critic, Mr. Heywood Broun, says on page 33 of the + November issue of your worthy magazine that _The Easiest Way_ is the + father of all modern American tragedy. Sir, does Mr. Broun forget + that there once lived a man named William Shakespeare? Is it possible + to overlook such immortal tragedies as _Hamlet_ and _Othello?_ I + think not. _Fiat justitia, ruat cœlum._ Sincerely, SHERWIN G. + COLLINS. + + A Correct Letter from an Indignant Father to an Editor of Low + Ideals + + To the Editor: Sir: + I have a son—a little fourteen-year-old boy who proudly bears my + name. This lad I have brought up with the greatest care. I have + spared no pains to make him an upright, moral, God-fearing youth. + I had succeeded, I thought, in inculcating in him all those worthy + principles for which our Puritan fathers fought and—aye—died. I do + not believe that there existed in our neighborhood a more virtuous, + more righteous boy. + From his earliest childhood until now Mrs. Pringle and I have kept + him carefully free from any suggestion of evil. We have put in his + hands only the best and purest of books; we have not allowed him to + attend any motion picture performances other than the yearly visit of + the Burton Holmes travelogues, and, last year, a film called _Snow + White and Rose Red;_ we have forbidden him to enter a theater. Roland + (for that is his name) has never in his life exhibited any interest + in what is known as sex. + Sir, you may imagine my chagrin when my Roland—my boy who, for + fourteen years, I have carefully shielded from sin—rushed in last + night to where Mrs. Pringle and I were enjoying our evening game of + Bézique, bearing in his hand a copy of your magazine which, I + presume, he had picked up at some so-called friend’s house. “Papa, + look,” said my boy to me, pointing to the cover of the magazine. + “What are these?” + Sir, I looked. Mrs. Pringle gave a shriek, and well may she have. My + boy was pointing to a cover on which was what is called—in barroom + parlance—a “nude.” And not _one_ nude but _twelve!_ + Sir, you have destroyed the parental labors of fourteen years. I + trust you are satisfied. Yours, etc., EVERETT G. PRINGLE. + + A Letter from a Member of the Lower Classes. Particular pains + should be taken in answering such letters as it should always be + our aim to lend a hand to those aspiring toward better things. + + To the Editor: Dear Sir: + I am a motorman on the Third Ave. South Ferry local, and the other + day one of the passengers left a copy of your magazine on my car and + I want to ask you something which maybe you can tell me and anyway it + don’t do no harm to ask what I want to know is will it be O. K to + wear a white vest with a dinner coat this coming winter and what + color socks I enclose stamps for reply. Yrs. ED. WALSH. + + A Correct Letter to the Lost and Found Department of a + Periodical, inquiring for a Missing Relative. This should be + referred to the persons mentioned in the letter who will probably + take prompt and vigorous action. + + Literary Editors: Dear Sirs: + I have been very much interested in the clever work of Nancy and + Ernest Boyd which has been appearing in your magazine, and I wonder + if you could take the time to give me a little piece of information + about them. You see there was a Nancy Boyd (her mother was Nancy + Kroomen of Beaver Dam) and her bro. Ernest, who was neighbors to us + for several years, and when they moved I sort of lost track of them. + You know how those things are. But it’s a small world after all, + isn’t it? and I shouldn’t be at all surprised if this was the same + party and, if it is, will you say hello to Nancy for me, and tell + Ernest that Ed. Gold still comes down from Akron to see E. W. every + Saturday. He’ll know who I mean. Ever sincerely, MAY WINTERS. + + LETTERS TO STRANGERS + + In writing to a person with whom you have only a slight + acquaintance, it is a sign of proper breeding to attempt to show + the stranger that you are interested in the things in which he is + interested. Thus, for example, if you were to write a letter to a + Frenchman who was visiting your city for the first time, you + would endeavor, as in the following example, to speak to him in + his own idiom and put him at his ease by referring to the things + with which he is undoubtedly familiar. It is only a “boor” who + seeks to impose his own hobbies and interests upon a stranger, + disregarding entirely the presumable likes and dislikes of the + latter. + + A CORRECT LETTER TO A FRENCH VISITOR + + Monsieur Jules La Chaise, Hotel Enterprise, City. + MONSIEUR: + I hope that you have had a _bon voyage_ on your trip from _la belle + France_, and my wife and I are looking forward to welcoming you to + our city. Although I cannot say, as your great king Louis XV. so + justly remarked, “_L’etat, c’est moi_,” yet I believe that I can + entertain you _comme il faut_ during your stay here. But all _bon + mots_ aside, would you care to join us this afternoon in a ride + around the city? If you say the word, _voila!_ we shall be at your + hotel in our automobile and I think that you will find here much that + is interesting to a native of Lafayette’s great country and + especially to a citizen of Paris. Did you know, for example, that + this city manufactures 38% of the toilet soap and perfumery _je ne + sais quoi_ which are used in this state? Of course, our sewers are + not to be compared to yours, _mon Dieu_, but we have recently + completed a pumping station on the outskirts of the city which I + think might almost be denominated an _objet d’art_. + I am enclosing a visitor’s card to the City Club here, which I wish + you would use during your stay. I am sure that you will find there + several _bon vivants_ who will be glad to join you in a game of + _vingt et un_, and in the large room on the second floor is a + victrola with splendid instrumental and vocal records of “La + Marseillaise.” + _Au revoir_ until I see you this afternoon. Robert C. Crocker. + + And above all, in writing to strangers or comparative strangers, + seek to avoid the mention of subjects which might be distasteful + to the recipient of the letter. Many a friendship has been + utterly ruined because one of the parties, in her correspondence + or conversation, carelessly referred to some matter—perhaps some + physical peculiarity—upon which the other was extremely + sensitive. The following letter well illustrates how the use of a + little tact may go “a long way.” + + A CORRECT LETTER TO A BEARDED LADY + + My dear Mrs. Lenox: + I wonder if you would care to go with us to the opera Wednesday + evening? The Cromwells have offered us their box for that night, + which accounts for our selection of that particular evening. “Beggars + cannot be choosers,” and while personally we would all rather go on + some other night, yet it is perhaps best that we do not refuse the + Cromwells’ generous offer. Then, too, Wednesday is really the only + evening that my husband and I are free to go, for the children take + so much of our time on other nights. I do hope, therefore, that you + can go with us Wednesday to hear “The Barber of Seville.” Sincerely, + Esther G. (Mrs. Thomas D.) Franklin. + + INVITATIONS + + The form of the invitation depends a great deal upon the + character of the function to which one wishes to invite the + guests to whom one issues the invitation. Or, to put it more + simply, invitations differ according to the nature of the party + to which one invites the guests. In other words, when issuing + invitations to invited guests one must have due regard for the + fact that these invitations vary with the various types of + entertainments for which one issues the invitations. That is to + say, one would obviously not send out the same form of invitation + to a wedding as to a dinner party, and vice versa. This is an + iron-clad rule in polite society. + + For example, a gentleman and lady named Mr. and Mrs. Weems, + respectively, living at 1063 Railroad Ave., wishing to invite a + gentleman named Mr. Cleek to dinner, would send him the following + engraved invitation: + + MR. AND MRS. LIONEL THONG WEEMS + _request the pleasure of_ + MR. WALLACE TILFORD CLEEK’S + _company at dinner + on Tuesday January the tenth + at half after seven o’clock_ + 1063 Railroad Avenue. + + This invitation would of course be worded differently for + different circumstances, such as, for example, if the name of the + people giving the party wasn’t Weems or if they didn’t live at + 1063 Railroad Ave., or if they didn’t have any intention of + giving a dinner party on that particular evening. + + Many prospective hostesses prefer to send written notes instead + of the engraved invitation, especially if the dinner is to be + fairly informal. This sort of invitation should, however, be + extremely simple. I think that most well-informed hostesses would + agree that the following is too verbose: + + DEAR MR. BURPEE. + It would give us great pleasure if you would dine with us on Monday + next at seven-thirty. By the way, did you know that Mr. Sheldon died + yesterday of pneumonia? Cordially, ESTELLE G. BESSERABO. + + For receptions in honor of noted guests, word the invitation in + this manner: + + MR. AND MRS. CORNELIUS VANDERBILT + _request the pleasure of your company + on Friday evening February sixth + from nine to twelve_ + AT DELMONICO’S + to meet Asst. Fire-Chief CHARLEY SCHMIDT and + Mrs. SCHMIDT + + Invitations to graduating exercises are worded thus: + + THE SENIOR CLASS + of the + SOUTH ROCHESTER FEMALE DENTAL INSTITUTE + requests the honor of your presence at the + Commencement Exercises + _on Tuesday evening, June the fifth + at eight o’clock_ + MASONIC OPERA HOUSE + _“That Six” Orchestra._ + + ACCEPTANCES AND REGRETS + + Responses to invitations usually take the form of “acceptances” + or “regrets.” It is never correct, for example, to write the + following sort of note: + + DEAR MRS. CRONICK: + Your invitation for the 12th inst. received and in reply would advise + that I am not at the present time in a position to signify whether or + not I can accept. Could you at your convenience furnish me with + additional particulars re the proposed affair—number of guests, + character of refreshments, size of orchestra, etc.? Awaiting an early + reply, I am, Yours truly, ALFRED CASS NAPE. + + If one wishes to attend the party, one “accepts” on a clean sheet + of note-paper with black ink from a “fountain” pen or inkwell. A + hostess should not, however, make the mistake of thinking that a + large number of “acceptances” implies that anybody really wishes + to attend her party. + + The following is a standard form of acceptance: + + Dr. Tanner accepts with pleasure the kind invitation of Mrs. + Frederick Cummings Bussey for Thursday evening, December twelfth, at + half after eight. + + This note need not be signed. The following “acceptance” is + decidedly demode: + + DEAR MRS. ASTOR: + Will I be at your ball? Say, can a duck swim? Count on me sure. + FRED. + + It is also incorrect and somewhat boorish to write “accepted” + across the face of the invitation and return it signed to the + hostess. + + If one does not care to attend the party, one often sends one’s + “regrets” although one just as often sends one’s “acceptances,” + depending largely upon the social position of one’s hostess. The + proper form of “regret” is generally as follows: + + Alice Ben Bolt regrets that she will be unable to accept the kind + invitation of Major General and Mrs. Hannafield for Wednesday evening + at half after eight. + + Sometimes it is better to explain in some manner the cause of the + “regret,” as for example: + + Alice Ben Bolt regrets that, owing to an ulcerated tooth in the left + side of her mouth, and severe neuralgic pains all up and down her + left side, she will be unable to accept the kind invitation of Major + General and Mrs. Hannafield for Wednesday evening at half after + eight, at “The Bananas.” + + This is not, however, always necessary. + +[Illustration] + +Etiquette without Tears, Mother’s Artful Aid _This is an admirable +picture with which to test the “kiddies’” knowledge of good manners at +a dinner table. It will also keep them occupied as a puzzle picture +since the “faux pas” illustrated herewith will probably not be apparent +to the little ones except after careful examination. If, however, they +have been conscientiously trained it will not be long, before the +brighter ones discover that the spoon has been incorrectly left +standing in the cup, that the coffee is being served from the right +instead of the left side, and that the lettering of the motto on the +wall too nearly resembles the German style to be quite “au fait” in the +home of any red-blooded American citizen._ + +[Illustration] + +Illustrating the Inestimable Value of Stewart’s Lightning Calculation +_Dessert has been reached and the gentleman in the picture is +perspiring freely—in itself a deplorable breach of etiquette. He has +been attempting all evening to engage the ladies on either side of him +in conversation on babies, Camp’s Reducing Exercises, politics, Camp’s +Developing Exercises, music or Charlie Chaplin, only to be rebuffed by +a haughty chin on the one hand and a cold shoulder on the other. If he +had taken the precaution to consult Stewart’s Lightning Calculator of +Dinner Table Conversation (one of the many aids to social success to be +found in_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR) _he would have realized the bad taste +characterizing his choice of topics and would not have made himself a +marked figure at this well-appointed dinner table._ + + + + +CHAPTER NINE: THE ETIQUETTE OF DINNERS AND BALLS + + + FORMAL DINNERS IN AMERICA + + Eating is an extremely old custom and has been practiced by the + better classes of society almost without interruption from + earliest times. And “society,” like the potentate of the parable + whose touch transformed every object into gold, has embellished + and adorned the all-too-common habit of eating, until there has + been evolved throughout the ages that most charming and exquisite + product of human culture—the formal dinner party. The gentleman + of today who delightedly dons his dress suit and escorts into a + ten-course dinner some lady mountain climber or other celebrity, + is probably little aware of what he owes to his forefathers for + having so painstakingly devised for him such a pleasant method of + spending his time. + + But “before one runs, one must learn to walk”—and the joys of the + dinner-party are not to be partaken of without a long preliminary + course of training, as many a young man has learned to his sorrow + when he discovered that his inelegant use of knife and fork was + causing humorous comment up and down the “board” and was drawing + upon himself the haughty glances of an outraged hostess. The + first requisite of success in dining out is the possession of a + complete set of correct table manners—and these, like anything + worth while, can be achieved only by patient study and daily + practise. + + TABLE MANNERS FOR CHILDREN + + AS a matter of fact, it is never too early to begin to acquire + the technique of correct eating, and the nursery is the best + possible place for the first lessons in dining-room behavior. + Children should be taught at an early age the fundamentals of + “table” manners in such a way that by the time they have reached + the years of manhood the correct use of knife, fork, spoon and + fingerbowl is to them almost second nature. But the parents + should remember, above everything else, to instruct their + children in such a way that the pupil takes pleasure in his + lessons. This is the method which is employed today in every + successful school or “kindergarten”; this is the method which + really produces satisfactory results. + + Thus, for example, if you are a father and your boy Edward + persists in bringing his pet tadpole to the table in a glass jar, + you should not punish or scold him; a much more effective and + graphic method of correcting this habit would be for you to + suddenly pick up the tadpole one day at luncheon and swallow it. + No whipping or scolding would so impress upon the growing boy the + importance of the fact that the dinner table is not the place for + pets. + + Another effective way of teaching table manners to children + consists in making up attractive games about the various lessons + to be learned. Thus, whenever you have guests for dinner, the + children can play “Boner” which consists in watching the visitor + closely all during the meal in order to catch him in any + irregularity in table etiquette. As soon as the guest has + committed a mistake, the first Child to discover it points his + finger at him and shouts, “Pulled a Boner, Pulled a Boner!” and + the boy or girl who discovers the greatest number of “Boners” + during the evening is rewarded with a prize, based on the + following table of points: + + If the guest has dirty hands, 5 points. + If the guest uses wrong fork or spoon, 5 points. + If the guest chokes on bone, 8 points. + If the guest blows on soup, 5 points. + If the guest drops fork or spoon, 3 points. + If the guest spills soup on table, 10 points. + If the guest spills soup on self, 1 point. + + Of course it is often well to tell the guests about the game in + advance in order that they may not feel embarrassed but will + enter thoroughly into the spirit of this helpful sport. + + A CHILD’S GARDEN OF ETIQUETTE + + Children can also acquire knowledge more easily if it is imparted + to them in the form of verse or easy rhymes, and many valuable + facts about the dinner table can be embodied in children’s + verses. A few of these which I can remember from my own happy + childhood are as follows: + + Oh, wouldn’t it be jolly + To be a nice _hors d’œuvre_ + And just bring joy to people + Whom fondest you were of. + + Soup is eaten with a spoon + But not to any haunting tune. + + Oysters live down in the sea + In zones both temp. and torrid, + And when they are good they are very good indeed, + And when they are bad they are horrid. + + My papa makes a lovely Bronx + With gin so rare and old, + And two of them will set you right + But four will knock you cold. + + The boys with Polly will not frolic + Because she’s eaten too much garlic. + Mama said the other day, + “A little goes a long, long way.” + + A wind came up out of the sea + And said, “Those dams are not for me.” + + Uncle Frank choked on a bone + From eating shad _au gratin_ + Aunt Ethel said it served him right + And went back to her flat in + NEWARK (spoken) + Poor Uncle Frank! (chanted) + + I love my little finger bowl + So full of late filet of sole. + + Cousin George at lunch one day + Remarked, “That apple looks quite tasty. + Now George a dentist’s bill must pay + Because he was so very hasty. + The proverb’s teachings we must hold + “All that glitters is not gold.” + And mama said to George, “Oh, shoot, + You’ve gone and ruined my glass fruit.” + + Jim broke bread into his soup, + Jim knocked Mrs. Vanderbilt for a loop. + Kate drank from her finger bowl, + Kate knocked Mrs. Vanderbilt for a goal. + Children who perform such tricks + Are socially in Class G-6. + + ETIQUETTE IN THE SCHOOL + + Of course, as the children become older, the instruction should + gradually come to embrace all forms of correct behaviour, and the + youthful games and rhymes should give way to the more complex and + intricate problems of mature social etiquette. It is suggested + that the teachings during this period may be successfully + combined with the young gentleman’s or lady’s other schoolroom + studies; in the case of mathematics, for example, the instruction + might be handled in somewhat the following manner: + + _A Problem in Mathematics (7th grade)_ + + _A swimmer starts across a stream which is 450 yards wide. He + swims for five minutes at the rate of three miles per hour, and + for three minutes at the rate of four miles per hour. He then + reaches the other bank, where he sees a young lady five feet ten + inches tall, walking around a tree, in a circle the circumference + of which is forty-two yards._ + + _A. What is the diameter of the circle? + B. How fast is the current flowing in the stream? + C. At what point would the swimmer land if there were no current + in the stream? + D. At what point does the swimmer actually land? + E. But suppose that he has no bathing suit on?_ + + And so, when the young person has reached the age for his first + formal dinner party, he will undoubtedly be able to handle the + fundamentals of correct etiquette in a satisfactory manner. But, + as in every sport or profession, there are certain + refinements—certain niceties which come only after long + experience—and it is with a view of helping the ambitious + diner-out to master these more complex details, that I suggest + that he study carefully the following “unwritten laws” which + govern every dinner party. + + In the first place, a guest is supposed tacitly to consent to the + menu which the hostess has arranged, and the diner-out who makes + a habit of saying “Squab, you know, never agrees with me—I wonder + if I might have a couple of poached eggs,” is apt to find that + such squeamishness does not pay in the long run. + + Practical jokes are never countenanced at a formal affair of this + sort. I do not mean that a certain amount of good-natured fun is + out of place, but such “stunts” as pulling the hostess’ chair out + from under her—or gleefully kicking the shins of your neighbor + under the table and shouting “Guess who?”—are decidedly among the + “non-ests” of correct modern dinner-table behaviour. + + Then, too, it is now distinctly bad form to practise legerdemain + or feats of sleight-of-hand at a dinner party. Time was when it + was considered correct for a young man who could do card or other + tricks to add to the gayety of the party by displaying his skill, + but that time is past, and the guest of today, who thinks to make + a “hit” by pulling a live rabbit or a potted plant from the back + of the mystified hostess or one of the butlers, is in reality + only making a “fool” of himself if he only knew it. The same + “taboo” also holds good as concerns feats of juggling and no + hostess of today will, I am sure, ever issue a second invitation + to a young man who has attempted to enliven her evening by + balancing, on his nose, a knife, a radish, a plate of soup and a + lighted candle. “Cleverness” is a valuable asset but only up to a + certain point, and I know of one unfortunately “clever” young + chap who almost completely ruined a promising social career by + the unexpected failure of one of his pet juggling tricks and the + consequent dumping of a large dish of mashed potatoes on the head + of a vice-president of the Equitable Trust Company. Besides, + people almost always distrust “clever” persons. + + It does not “do,” either, to “ride your hobby” at a dinner party, + and the real truth as to the cause of the sudden social ostracism + of young Freddie H——, a New York clubman of some years ago (now + happily deceased), is that on one occasion this young fellow, who + had developed a craze for marksmanship amounting almost to a + mania, very nearly ruined a dinner party given by a prominent + Boston society matron by attempting to shoot the whiskers off a + certain elderly gentleman, who happened to be a direct descendant + of John Smith and Priscilla Alden. + + It might also be remarked that the possession of certain physical + gifts—such as the ability to wriggle one’s ears or do the + “splits”—is in itself no “open sesame” to lasting social success. + “Slow and sure” is a good rule for the young man to follow, and + although he may somewhat enviously watch his more brilliant + colleagues as they gain momentary applause by their ability to + throw their thumbs out of joint or squirt water through a hole in + their front teeth, yet he may console himself with the thought + that “the race is not always to the swift” and that “Rome was not + built in a day.” The gifts of this world have been distributed + fairly equally, and you may be sure that the young girl who has + been born a ventriloquist very likely is totally unable to spell + difficult words correctly or carry even a simple tune. + Ventriloquism, by the way, is also passing out as a form of + dinner party diversion, and it is no longer considered a + priceless accomplishment to be able to make a dog bark or a baby + cry under the hostess’s chair. + + CONVERSATION AT DINNER + + Gradually, however, conversation—real conversation—is coming into + its own as the favorite pastime of dinner guests, and the young + man or lady who can keep the conversational “ball” rolling is + coming more and more into demand. Good conversationalists are, I + fear, born and not made—but by study and practise any ambitious + young man can probably acquire the technique, and, with time, + mould himself into the kind of person upon whom hostesses depend + for the success of their party. As an aid in this direction I + have prepared the following chart which I would advise all my + readers to cut out and paste in some convenient place so that at + their next dinner party it can be readily consulted. + + STEWART’S LIGHTNING CALCULATOR OF DINNER TABLE CONVERSATION + + This chart divides the dinner into its various courses, and under + each course is given what I call an “opening sentence,” together + with your partner’s probable reply and the topic which is then + introduced for discussion. And, most valuable of all, under each + such topic I have listed certain helpful facts which will enable + you to prolong the conversation along those lines until the + arrival of the next course, and the consequent opening of another + field for discussion. The chart follows: + + I. _Cocktails._ + + You say to the partner on your right: “What terrible gin!” She + (he) replies: “Perfectly ghastly.” This leads to a discussion of: + Some Aspects of Alcohol. Helpful Facts: + + 1. An oyster soaked in alcohol becomes quite rigid in eleven + minutes. + + 2. Senator Volstead was born Sept. 4, 1869. + + 3. Alcohol, if taken in too great quantities, often produces + internal disorders. + + II. _Oysters._ + + You say to the partner on your right: “Think of being an oyster!” + + She (he) replies: “How perfectly ghastly.” + + This leads to a discussion of: Home Life of Oysters. + + Helpful Facts: + + 1. The average life of an oyster is 38 days, 11 hours. + + 2. Polygamy is practised among certain classes of oysters. + + 3. The first oyster was eaten by Ossip Gatch, a Pole (d. 1783). + + III. _Fish._ + + You say to the partner at your right: “Do you enjoy fish?” + + She (he) replies: “I simply adore fish.” + + This leads to a discussion of: Fish—Then, and Now. + + Helpful Facts: + + 1. Fish make notoriously bad pets, whereas seals can be taught to + do many novel tricks. + + 2. Gloucester (Mass.) smells badly in summer. + + 3. Gloucester (Mass.) smells badly in winter. + + IV. _Meat._ + + You say to the partner at your right: “Have you ever been through + the Stock-Yards?” + + She (he) replies: “No.” (“Yes.”) + + This leads to a discussion of: “The Meat Industry in America.” + + Helpful Facts: + + 1. Every time a street car goes over the Brooklyn Bridge, a steer + is killed in Chicago—and oftener. + + 2. Raw beefsteak in quantities is harmful to children under two + years of age. + + 3. A man died recently in Topeka, Kansas, weighing 312 pounds. + + 4. Many prominent people live on the North Side of Chicago. + + V. _Salad._ + + You say to the partner at your right: “What is your favorite + salad?” + + She (he) replies: “I don’t know, what’s yours?” + + This leads to a discussion of: Favorite Things. + + Helpful Facts: + + 1. Richard Barthelmess is married. + + 2. B. V. D. stands for “Best Value Delivered.” + + 3. Amy Lowell is fond of cigars. + + _VI. Dessert._ + + You say to the partner at your right: “I love ice cream.” + + She (he) replies: “So do I.” + + This leads to a discussion of: Love. + + Helpful Facts: + + 1. New York is the hardest state in which to get a divorce in + America. + + 2. Dr. Sigmund Freud is now living in Vienna, Austria. + + 3. D. H. Lawrence has a black beard. + + BALLS AND DANCES + + In order to succeed in the modern ballroom, and especially in the + ballrooms of our exclusive country clubs, a young gentleman or + lady of fashion must today be possessed of the following two + requisites: i. A “Line.” 2. A closed car. The latter of these + “sine qua nons” is now owned as a matter of course by most + families and is no longer regarded as a mark of distinction. The + former requisite, however, is not so common, but it is + nevertheless true that any young person with ambition and a good + memory can eventually acquire a quite effective “Line.” It is a + great aid in this direction if one happens to have spent a year + or more at one of our leading eastern universities or “finishing + schools.” These vary, of course, in degree of excellence, but it + does not pay to be dogmatic on this subject, and to those who + would insist that the Princeton “Line” is more effective than the + Harvard ditto, or that the Westover “Line” flows more smoothly + than that of Farmington or Spence, one can only say “De gustibus + non disputandum est.” “Lines” vary also in accordance with the + different types of girls who happen to be using them, and (to + misquote a rather vulgar proverb) “What is one girl’s food may be + another girl’s poison.” Thus it happens that the “Line” which is + most universally and interminably employed by the “beautiful” + type of girl (consisting, in its entirety, of the three words + “How perfectly priceless”) would never in the world do for the + young miss whose chief asset is a kind heart or a love for really + good books. + +[Illustration] + +A Word of Warning and Encouragement _The above diagram (one of man), +filling the instructive and refined pages of_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR, _will +serve as a model to any debutante or dancing man who seriously sets out +to achieve social eminence. It is only fair to warn aspirants that +rigid adherence to the formula is essential and that any slight +slackening of the pace is likely to prove fatal. On the other hand, we +confidently guarantee complete success to those who, in reverence and +faith, keep the final goal always in sight. His (or hers) be it to keep +the sacred flame burning and to pass the torch along from father to +son, from mother to daughter till the end of time, or so long as they +do not make any mesalliances, which is just as important in America, +whatever may be said to the contrary, as among our “English cousins.”_ + + MIXED DANCING + + Another quality which is often helpful on the dance floor, + especially to girls, is the ability to dance. This seems to have + become largely a trick of keeping abreast of the latest “mode” + and while, personally, I greatly regret the passing of the + stately lancers and other dignified “round dances,” yet, if + “mixed dancing” has come to stay, it is the duty of every young + person to learn to dance as well as possible in the generally + accepted manner, even though this often involves some + compromising of one’s _amour propre_. + + But in addition to all these necessary qualifications the really + great person—the true super man or woman of the ballroom—must be + possessed of that certain divine something, that _je ne sais + quoi_ ability to rise superior to all occasions, to overcome the + most difficult situations, which has distinguished the great men + and women of all ages. Joan of Arc had it, George Washington had + it, Napoleon had it—and I venture to say that any of these three, + had they lived today, Would have been a social success. But + perhaps this fact can best be illustrated by taking a typical + instance in the ballroom in which “When duty whispered low ‘Thou + must,’ the youth replied ‘I can.’” + + HINTS FOR STAGS + + Let us suppose, for example, that you are a young man who has + been invited to a dance to be given at the East Shore Country + Club. It is your original intention, let us say, to attend as a + “stag,” but on the afternoon of the party you receive a note from + a young lady of your acquaintance asking if you would be so kind + as to accompany to the ball a guest of hers, a “sweet girl from + South Orange” who was in her class at college. + + The correct costume for a dance of this sort is usually a dinner + coat with a black or white vest, and when you have robed yourself + correctly, you should drive in your car to the young lady’s home. + There you are presented to the sweet girl from South Orange, who + is six feet tall and has protruding teeth. After the customary + words of greeting and a few brief bits of pleasantry, you set off + with your partner for the dance. + + Arrived at the East Shore Club, you find the party in “full + swing,” and after shaking hands with your host and hostess, you + should ask your partner if she would care to dance. + + The first three times that she steps on your left foot, you + should politely murmur, “My fault.” But when she begins to sing + in your ear it is proper to steer her over toward the “stag line” + in order to petition for an injunction or a temporary restraining + order. + + The “stag line” consists of a group of the wisest, shrewdest and + most hard-hearted young men ever gathered together under one + roof. The original purpose of a “stag line” was to provide a + place where unattached young men might stand while searching for + a partner, but the institution has now come to be a form of + Supreme Court, passing life or death sentence upon the various + debutantes who pass before it. + + After you have piloted your partner five times along the length + of this line you have a pretty fair idea as to her merits or + demerits, and, in this particular case, you have a pretty fair + idea as to just what the evening holds out for you. When the + music stops you should therefore lead the girl over to a chair + and ask to be allowed to bring her a glass of punch. + + Instead of going directly to the punch bowl, you should turn your + steps toward the “stag line.” There you will find several young + men whom only as late as that afternoon you counted among your + very best friends, but who do not, at the present, seem to + remember ever having met you before. Seizing the arm of one of + these you say, “Tom, I want you to meet——” That is as far as you + will get, for Tom will suddenly interrupt you by remarking, + “Excuse me a minute, Ed—, I see a girl over there I’ve simply got + to speak to. I’ll come right back.” + + He will not come right back. He will not come back at all. And + after you have met with the same response from four other + so-called friends, you should return to the South Orange visitor + and “carry on.” + + At the end of the second hour, however, your mind should begin to + clear, and if you are at all possessed of the qualifications for + future ballroom leadership, you should gradually throw off the + slough of despond and determine to make a fight for life, liberty + and the pursuit of happiness. And when the music has once more + ceased, you should ask your partner if she would not care to take + a jaunt in the open air. + + “I know a lovely walk,” you should say, “across a quaint old + bridge.” + + The rest is, of course, easy. Arrived in the middle of the quaint + old bridge, which leads across a cavern some three hundred feet + deep, you should quickly seize the tall college graduate, and + push her, not too roughly or ungentlemanly, off the bridge. + + And, if you are really a genius, and not merely “one of the + crowd” you will return to the ballroom and, going up to the young + lady who was responsible for your having met the sweet girl from + South Orange, you will offer her your arm, and smile invitingly. + + “I know a lovely walk,” you will say, “across a quaint old + bridge.” + +[Illustration] + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Perfect Behavior, by Donald Ogden Stewart + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PERFECT BEHAVIOR *** + +***** This file should be named 1446-0.txt or 1446-0.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/4/1446/ + +Produced by Charles Keller, and David Widger + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will +be renamed. + +Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright +law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, +so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United +States without permission and without paying copyright +royalties. 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