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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Perfect Behavior, by Donald Ogden Stewart
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most
+other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions
+whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of
+the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at
+www.gutenberg.org.  If you are not located in the United States, you'll have
+to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook.
+
+Title: Perfect Behavior
+       A Guide for Ladies and Gentlemen in all Social Crises
+
+Author: Donald Ogden Stewart
+
+Illustrator:  Ralph Barton
+
+Release Date: September, 1998 [EBook #1446]
+[Most recently updated: February 14, 2020]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: UTF-8
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PERFECT BEHAVIOR ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Charles Keller, and David Widger
+
+
+
+
+Perfect Behavior
+
+by Donald Ogden Stewart
+
+Illustrated by Ralph Barton
+
+A Guide for Ladies and Gentlemen in all Social Crises
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Those who are not self-possessed obtrude
+and pain us.—EMERSON
+
+A parody outline of etiquette by the Author of “A Parody
+Outline of History”
+
+The perfect gentleman is he who never unintentionally causes
+pain.—OLD PROVERB
+
+
+               TO THE BRIDEGROOM WHOSE WEDDING WAS RUINED
+               BECAUSE THE BRIDE CAME DOWN THE AISLE
+               ON THE RIGHT INSTEAD OF THE LEFT
+               ARM OF HER FATHER
+               _With Deepest Sympathy_
+
+Contents
+
+ CHAPTER ONE: THE ETIQUETTE OF COURTSHIP
+ CHAPTER TWO: THE ETIQUETTE OF ENGAGEMENTS AND WEDDINGS
+ CHAPTER THREE: THE ETIQUETTE OF TRAVEL
+ CHAPTER FOUR: AT THE CONCERT AND THE OPERA
+ CHAPTER FIVE: ETIQUETTE FOR DRY AGENTS
+ CHAPTER SIX: A CHAPTER FOR SCHOOLGIRLS
+ CHAPTER SEVEN: THE ETIQUETTE OF GAMES AND SPORTS
+ CHAPTER EIGHT: CORRESPONDENCE AND INVITATIONS
+ CHAPTER NINE: THE ETIQUETTE OF DINNERS AND BALLS
+
+
+      CONTENTS
+
+I. THE ETIQUETTE OF COURTSHIP A Few Words about Love—Curious Incident
+in a Yellow Taxicab—A Silly Girl—Correct Introductions and how to Make
+Them—A Well Known Congressman’s Ludicrous Mistake in a Turkish
+Bath—Cards and Flowers—Flowers and their Message in Courtship—“A Clean
+Tooth Never Decays”—Receiving an Invitation to Call—The Etiquette of
+Telephoning-A Telephone Girl’s Horrible End—Making the First
+Call—Conversation and Some of its Uses—A Proper Call—The Proposal
+Proper-The Proposal Improper—What Henry Wadsworth Longfellow Said to
+the ex-Clergyman’s Niece.
+
+II. THE ETIQUETTE OF ENGAGEMENTS AND WEDDINGS The Historic
+Aspect—Announcing the Engagement—A Breton Fisher Girl’s Experience with
+a Traveling Salesman—The Bride-to-Be—The Engagement Luncheon—Selecting
+the Bridal Party—Invitations and Wedding Presents—A Good Joke on the
+Groom—“Madam, those are my trousers”—Duties of the Best Man—A Demented
+Taxidermist’s Strange Gift—The Bride’s Tea—The Maid of Honor—What Aunt
+Edna Saw on the Club Porch-The Bachelor Dinner and After-Some Practical
+Uses for Bi-Carbonate of Soda—The Rehearsal—The Bridal Dinner—A Church
+Wedding.
+
+III. THE ETIQUETTE OF TRAVEL Hints for the Correct
+Pedestrianism—Description of a Walk around Philadelphia with a Pueblo
+Indian in 1837—Travelling by Rail— Good Form on a Street Car—In the
+Subway—Fun with an Old Gentleman’s Whiskers—A Honeymoon in a
+Subway—Travelling under Steam-A Correct Night in a Pullman-What Burton
+Holmes Found in His Lower Berth.
+
+IV. AT THE CONCERT AND THE OPERA Listening to a Symphony
+Orchestra—Curious Effect of Debussy’s “Apres-midi d’un Faune” and four
+gin fizzes on Uncle Frederick—“No, fool like an old fool”—Correct
+Behavior at a Piano Recital—Choosing One’s Nearest Exit—In a Box at the
+Opera—What a Kansas City Society Leader Did with Her Old Victrola
+Records.
+
+V. ETIQUETTE FOR DRY AGENTS Some Broader Aspects of
+Prohibition—Interesting Effect of Whisky on Goldfish—The College
+Graduate as Dry Agent—Aunt Emily’s Amusing Experiences with a Quart of
+Gin Planning a Dry Raid on a Masquerade Ball A Word About Correct
+Costumes—A California Motion Picture Actress’s Bad Taste—Good Form for
+Dry Agents During a Raid-What the New York Clubman Said About Mr.
+Volstead.
+
+VI. A CHAPTER FOR SCHOOLGIRLS Selecting a Proper School—Account of an
+Interesting Trip Down the Eric Canal with Miss Spence—Correct Equipment
+for the Schoolgirl—En Route—ln New York—A journey Around the
+City—Description of the Visit of Ed. Pinaud to the Aquarium in 1858—The
+First Days in the New School—“After Lights” in a Dormitory—An “Old
+Schoolgirl’s” Confessions—Becoming Acclimatized—A Visitor from
+Princeton-Strange Pets.
+
+VII. THE ETIQUETTE OF GAMES AND SPORTS Golf as a Pastime—What Henry
+Ward Beecher Said When He Broke His Niblic—An Afternoon at the Old Farm
+with the Dice—“Shoot you for your ear trumpet, grandfather!”—Correct
+Behavior on a Picnic—A Swedish Nobleman’s Curious Method of Eating
+Potato Chips—Boxing in American Society—A Good Joke on an Amateur
+Boxer—“He didn’t know it was Jack Dempsey!”—Bridge Whist—Formal and
+Informal Drinking—A jolly Hallowe’en Party—Invitations—Receiving the
+Guests—How to Mystify—Games.
+
+VIII. CORRESPONDENCE AND INVITATIONS Correspondence for Young
+Ladies—College Boys How to Order a Full Dress Suit by Mail—Letters to
+Parents—A Prominent Retired Bank President’s Advice to
+Correspondents—Letters from Parents—Peculiarities of the Divorce Laws
+of New York—Letters to Prospective Fathers-in-Law—A Correct Form of
+Letter to a Society Matron Asking Her How About that Grocery Bill for
+Eighty-Two Dollars and Sixty-Seven Cents—Love Letters—Correspondence of
+Public Officials—-Letters to Strangers—Letters to Newspapers,
+Magazines, etc.—Invitations, Acceptances and Regrets.
+
+IX. THE ETIQUETTE OF DINNERS AND BALLS Formal Dinners in America-Table
+Manners for Children—Removing Stains from Gray Silk—A Child’s Garden of
+Etiquette—Etiquette in the School—Conversation at Dinner—What a New
+Jersey Lady Did with Her Olive Seeds—Stewart’s Lightning Calculator of
+Dinner Table Conversation—“It Seems that Pat and Mike”—Balls and
+Dances—-Artificial Respiration—Mixed Dancing—Hints for Stags. A Word of
+Warning and Encouragement
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER ONE: THE ETIQUETTE OF COURTSHIP
+
+
+      A FEW WORDS ABOUT LOVE
+
+      Courtship is one of the oldest of social customs, even antedating
+      in some countries such long-established usages as marriage, or
+      the wearing of white neckties with full evening dress. The
+      beginnings of the etiquette of courtship were apparently
+      connected in some way with the custom of “love” between the
+      sexes, and many of the old amatory forms still survive in the
+      modern courtship. It is generally agreed among students of the
+      history of etiquette that when “love” first began to become
+      popular among the better class of younger people they took to it
+      with such avidity that it was necessary to devise some sort of
+      rules for the conduct of formal or informal love-making. These
+      rules, together with various amendments, now constitute the
+      etiquette of courtship.
+
+      Suppose, for example, that you are a young gentleman named
+      Richard Roe desirous of entering upon a formal courtship with
+      some refined young girl of fashion. You are also, being a college
+      graduate, engaged in the bond business. One morning there comes
+      into your financial institution a young lady, named Dorothy Doe,
+      who at once attracts your attention by her genteel manners, as
+      exemplified by the fact that she calls the president of your
+      company “father.” So many young people seem to think it “smart”
+      to refer to their parents as “dad” or “my old man”; you are
+      certain, as soon as you hear her say “Hello, father” to your
+      employer, that she is undoubtedly a worthy object of courtship.
+
+      CORRECT INTRODUCTIONS; HOW TO MAKE THEM
+
+      Your first step should be, of course, the securing of an
+      introduction. Introductions still play an important part in
+      social intercourse, and many errors are often perpetrated by
+      those ignorant of _savoir faire_ (correct form). When introducing
+      a young lady to a stranger for example, it is not _au fait_
+      (correct form) to simply say, “Mr. Roe, I want you to shake hands
+      with my friend Dorothy.” Under the rules of the _beau monde_
+      (correct form) this would probably be done as follows: “Dorothy
+      (or Miss Doe), shake hands with Mr. Roe.” Always give the name of
+      the lady first, unless you are introducing some one to the
+      President of the United States, the Archbishop of Canterbury, a
+      member of the nobility above a baron, or a customer. The person
+      who is being “introduced” then extends his (or her) right
+      ungloved hand and says, “Shake.” You “shake,” saying at the same
+      time, “It’s warm (cool) for November (May),” to which the other
+      replies, “I’ll say it is.”
+
+      This brings up the interesting question of introducing two people
+      to each other, neither of whose names you can remember. This is
+      generally done by saying very quickly to one of the parties, “Of
+      course you know Miss Unkunkunk.” Say the last “unk” very quickly,
+      so that it sounds like any name from Ab to Zinc. You might even
+      sneeze violently. Of course, in nine cases out of ten, one of the
+      two people will at once say, “I didn’t get the name,” at which
+      you laugh, “Ha! Ha! Ha!” in a carefree manner several times,
+      saying at the same time, “Well, well—so you didn’t get the
+      name—you didn’t get the name—well, well.” If the man still
+      persists in wishing to know who it is to whom he is being
+      introduced, the best procedure consists in simply braining him on
+      the spot with a club or convenient slab of paving stone.
+
+      The “introduction,” in cases where you have no mutual friend to
+      do the introducing, is somewhat more difficult but can generally
+      be arranged as follows:
+
+      Procure a few feet of stout manila rope or clothes-line, from any
+      of the better-class hardware stores. Ascertain (from the Social
+      Register, preferably) the location of the young lady’s residence,
+      and go there on some dark evening about nine o’clock. Fasten the
+      rope across the sidewalk in front of the residence about six
+      inches or a foot from the ground. Then, with the aid of a match
+      and some kerosene, set fire to the young lady’s house in several
+      places and retire behind a convenient tree. After some time, if
+      she is at home, she will probably be forced to run out of her
+      house to avoid being burned to death. In her excitement she will
+      fail to notice the rope which you have stretched across the
+      sidewalk and will fall. This is your opportunity to obtain an
+      introduction. Stepping up to her and touching your hat politely,
+      you say, in a well modulated voice, “I beg your pardon, Miss Doe,
+      but I cannot help noticing that you are lying prone on the
+      sidewalk.” If she is well bred, she will not at first speak to
+      you, as you are a perfect stranger. This silence, however, should
+      be your cue to once more tip your hat and remark, “I realize,
+      Miss Doe, that I have not had the honor of an introduction, but
+      you will admit that you are lying prone on the sidewalk. Here is
+      my card—and here is one for Mrs. Doe, your mother.” At that you
+      should hand her two plain engraved calling cards, each containing
+      your name and address. If there are any other ladies in her
+      family—aunts, grandmothers, et cetera—it is correct to leave
+      cards for them also. Be sure that the cards are clean, as the
+      name on the calling card is generally sufficient for
+      identification purposes without the addition of the thumbprint.
+
+      When she has accepted your cards, she will give you one of hers,
+      after which it will be perfectly correct for you to assist her to
+      rise from the sidewalk. Do not, however, press your attentions
+      further upon her at this time, but after expressing the proper
+      regret over her misfortune it would be well to bow and retire.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Table Manners Betray One’s Bringing-Up _Every one knows that table
+manners betray one’s bringing-up mercilessly. The young man in the
+picture has good reason to wish a meteorite would fall on him. His
+perpendicularity has just been restored by a deft upward movement of
+Aunt Harriet’s shoulder, upon which he had inadvertently rested his
+head during a quiet snooze while Cousin Edna was making her little
+speech at the Bridal Dinner._ PERFECT BEHAVIOR _would have Pasteurized
+him against even Bridal Dinners_.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Hat? Toupee? or Book? _When a woman recognizes and nods to a man to
+whom she has been formally introduced several times, or to whom she has
+been married, is the man expected to accept the greeting and politely
+lift his hat or should he lift both his hat and his toupee? Street
+etiquette is disposed authoritatively and finally in_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Park Benches and Their Uses _You are, let us pretend, walking in the
+park. You come upon two benches arranged as shown in the above diagram.
+Would you know which bench it would be proper to sit on if you are (1)
+a young man just out of college—(2) a rather homely young woman? To
+avoid embarrassment look this up in_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Travelling with a Player Piano _A jolly crowd is boarding the 4:56 for
+a house-party in the suburbs. The gentleman at the right, having been
+educated abroad, has never learned to play the ukelele, the banjo, the
+jew’s harp or the saxophone, and is, with the best intentions in the
+world, attempting to contribute his share to the gaiety of the coming
+evenings by bringing along his player-piano. Would you—be honest!—have
+recognized his action as a serious social blunder without having
+referred to_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR?
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A Child, a Banana, A Hard-Boiled Egg _The young mother in the picture
+is traveling from one point to another in a Pullman. In the effort to
+commit as great a nuisance as possible, she has provided her child with
+a banana and a hard boiled egg. Not having dipped into the chapter on
+travel in_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR, _she is ignorant of the fact that a peach
+would have produced quite as much mess and far more permanent stains
+and a folding cup for the water cooler would have spread the
+disturbance over a wider area_.
+
+      CARDS AND FLOWERS
+
+      The next day, however, you should send flowers, enclosing another
+      of your cards. It might be well to write some message on the card
+      recalling the events of the preceding evening—nothing intimate,
+      but simply a reminder of your first meeting and a suggestion that
+      you might possibly desire to continue the acquaintanceship.
+      Quotations from poetry of the better sort are always appropriate;
+      thus, on this occasion, it might be nice to write on the card
+      accompanying the flowers—“‘This is the forest primeval’—H. W.
+      Longfellow,” or “‘Take, oh take, those lips away’—W.
+      Shakespeare.” You will find there are hundreds of lines equally
+      appropriate for this and other occasions, and in this connection
+      it might be well to display a little originality at times by
+      substituting pertinent verses of your own in place of the
+      conventional quotations. For example—“This is the forest
+      primeval, I regret your last evening’s upheaval,” shows the young
+      lady in question that not only are you well-read in classic
+      poetry, but also you have no mean talent of your own. Too much
+      originality, however, is dangerous, especially in polite social
+      intercourse, and I need hardly remind you that the floors of the
+      social ocean are watered with the tears of those who seek to walk
+      on their own hook.
+
+      Within a week after you have sent the young lady the flowers, you
+      should receive a polite note of thanks, somewhat as follows: “My
+      dear Mr. Roe: Those lovely flowers came quite as a surprise. They
+      are lovely, and I cannot thank you enough for your
+      thoughtfulness. Their lovely fragrance fills my room as I write,
+      and I wish to thank you again. It was lovely of you.”
+
+      FLOWERS AND THEIR MESSAGE IN COURTSHIP
+
+      It is now time to settle down to the more serious business of
+      courtship. Her letter shows beyond the shadow of a figurative
+      doubt that she is “interested,” and the next move is “up to you.”
+      Probably she will soon come into the office to see her father, in
+      which case you should have ready at hand some appropriate gift,
+      such as, for example, a nice potted geranium. Great care should
+      be taken, however, that it is a plant of the correct species, for
+      in the etiquette of courtship all flowers have different meanings
+      and many a promising affair has been ruined because a suitor sent
+      his lady a buttercup, meaning “That’s the last dance I’ll ever
+      take you to, you big cow,” instead of a plant with a more tender
+      significance. Some of the commoner flowers and their meaning in
+      courtship are as follows:
+
+      Fringed Gentian—“I am going out to get a shave. Back at 3:30.”
+
+      Poppy—“I would be proud to be the father of your children.”
+
+      Golden-rod—“I hear that you have hay-fever.”
+
+      Tuberose—“Meet me Saturday at the Fourteenth Street subway
+      station.”
+
+      Blood-root—“Aunt Kitty murdered Uncle Fred Thursday.”
+
+      Dutchman’s Breeches—“That case of Holland gin and Old Tailor has
+      arrived. Come on over.”
+
+      Iris—“Could you learn to love an optician?”
+
+      Aster—“Who was that stout Jewish-looking party I saw you with in
+      the hotel lobby Friday?”
+
+      Deadly Nightshade—“Pull down those blinds, quick!”
+
+      Passion Flower—“Phone Main 1249—ask for Eddie.”
+
+      Raspberry—“I am announcing my engagement to Charlie O’Keefe
+      Tuesday.”
+
+      Wild Thyme—“I have seats for the Hippodrome Saturday afternoon.”
+
+      The above flowers can also be combined to make different
+      meanings, as, for example, a bouquet composed of three tuberoses
+      and some Virginia creeper generally signifies the following, “The
+      reason I didn’t call for you yesterday was that I had three inner
+      tube punctures, besides a lot of engine trouble in that old car I
+      bought in Virginia last year. Gosh, I’m sorry!”
+
+      But to return to the etiquette of our present courtship. As Miss
+      Doe leaves the office you follow her, holding the potted plant in
+      your left hand. After she has gone a few paces you step up to
+      her, remove your hat (or cap) with your right hand, and offer her
+      the geranium, remarking, “I beg your pardon, miss, but didn’t you
+      drop this?” A great deal depends upon the manner in which you
+      offer the plant and the way she receives it. If you hand it to
+      her with the flower pointing upward it means, “Dare I hope?”
+      Reversed, it signifies, “Your petticoat shows about an inch, or
+      an inch and a half.” If she receives the plant in her right hand,
+      it means, “I am”; left hand, “You are”; both hands—“He, she or it
+      is.” If, however, she takes the pot firmly in both hands and
+      breaks it with great force on your head, the meaning is usually
+      negative and your only correct course of procedure is a hasty bow
+      and a brief apology.
+
+      RECEIVING AN INVITATION TO CALL
+
+      Let us suppose, however, that she accepts the geranium in such a
+      manner that you are encouraged to continue the acquaintance. Your
+      next move should be a request for an invitation to call upon her
+      at her home. This should, above all things, not be done crudely.
+      It is better merely to suggest your wish by some indirect method
+      such as, “Oh—so you live on William Street. Well, well! I often
+      walk on William Street in the evening, but I have never called on
+      any girl there—_yet_.” The “yet” may be accompanied by a slight
+      raising of your eyebrows, a wink, or a friendly nudge with your
+      elbow. Unless she is unusually “dense” she will probably “take
+      the hint” and invite you to come and see her some evening. At
+      once you should say, “_What_ evening? How about _to-night_?” If
+      she says that she is already engaged for that evening, take a
+      calendar out of your pocket and remark, “Tomorrow? Wednesday?
+      Thursday? Friday? I really have no engagements between now and
+      October. Saturday? Sunday?” This will show her that you are
+      really desirous of calling upon her and she will probably say,
+      “Well, I think I am free Thursday night, but you had better
+      telephone me first.”
+
+      THE ETIQUETTE OF TELEPHONING
+
+      On Thursday morning, therefore, you should go to a public
+      telephone-booth in order to call the young lady’s house. The
+      etiquette of telephoning is quite important and many otherwise
+      perfectly well-bred people often make themselves conspicuous
+      because they do not know the correct procedure in using this
+      modern but almost indispensable invention. Upon entering the
+      telephone-booth, which is located, say, in some drug store, you
+      remove the receiver from the hook and deposit the requisite coin
+      in the coin box. After an interval of some minutes a young lady
+      (referred to as “Central”) will ask for your “Number, please.”
+      Suppose, for example, that you wish to get Bryant 4310. Remove
+      your hat politely and speak that number into the mouthpiece.
+      “Central” will then say, “Rhinelander 4310.” To which you reply,
+      “NO, Central—_Bryant_ 4310.” Central then says, “I beg your
+      pardon—Bryant 4310,” to which you reply, “Yes, please.” In a few
+      minutes a voice at the other end of the line says, “Hello,” to
+      which you answer, “Is Miss Doe at home?” The voice then says,
+      “Who?” You say, “Miss Doe, please—Miss Dorothy Doe.” You then
+      hear the following, “Wait a minute. Say, Charlie, is they anybody
+      works around here by the name of Doe? There’s a guy wants to talk
+      to a Miss Doe. Here—you answer it.” Another voice then says,
+      “Hello.” You reply “Hello.” He says, “What do you want?” You
+      reply, “I wish to speak to Miss Dorothy Doe.” He says, “What
+      department does she work in?” You reply, “Is this the residence
+      of J. Franklin Doe, President of the First National Bank?” He
+      says, “Wait a minute.” You wait a minute. You wait several.
+      Another voice—a new voice says-“Hello.” You reply “Hello.” He
+      says, “Give me Stuyvesant 8864.” You say, “But I’m trying to get
+      Miss Doe—Miss Dorothy Doe.” He says, “Who?” You say, “Is this the
+      residence of—” He says, “Naw—this is Goebel Brothers, Wholesale
+      Grocers—what number do you want?” You say, “Bryant 4310.” He
+      says, “Well, this is Rhinelander 4310.” You then hang up the
+      receiver and count twenty. The telephone bell then rings, and
+      inasmuch as you are the only person near the phone you take up
+      the receiver and say, “Hello.” A female voice, says, “Hello,
+      dearie—don’t you know who this is?” You say, politely but firmly,
+      “No.” She says, “Guess!” You guess “Mrs. Warren G. Harding.” She
+      says, “No. This is Ethel. Is Walter there?” You reply, “Walter?”
+      She says, “Ask him to come to the phone, will you? He lives
+      up-stairs over the drug store. Just yell ‘Walter’ at the third
+      door down the hall. Tell him Ethyl wants to speak to him—no,
+      wait—tell him it’s Madge.” Being a gentleman, you comply with the
+      lady’s request. After bringing Walter to the phone, you
+      obligingly wait for some twenty minutes while he converses with
+      Ethel—no, Madge. When he has finished, you once more enter the
+      booth and tell “Central” you want Bryant 4310. After a few
+      minutes “Central” says, “What number did you call?” You say
+      patiently, “Bryant 4310.” She replies, “Bryant 4310 has been
+      changed to Schuyler 6372.” You ask for Schuyler 6372. Finally a
+      woman’s voice says, “Yass.” You say, “Is Miss Doe in?” She
+      replies, “Yass.” You say, “May I speak to her?” She says, “Who?”
+      You reply, “You said Miss Doe was at home, didn’t you?” She
+      replies, “Yass.” You say, “Well, may I speak to her?” The voice
+      says, “Who?” You shout, “Miss Doe.” The voice says, “She ban
+      out.” You shriek, “Oh, go to hell!” and assuming a graceful, easy
+      position in the booth, you proceed to tear the telephone from the
+      wall. Later on in the day, when you have two or three hours of
+      spare time, you can telephone Miss Doe again and arrange for the
+      evening’s visit.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A Crude Bridegroom _Not realizing his mistake, the Groom stands waiting
+for the Bridal Procession, apparently in high spirits and the best of
+health. Such an attitude toward a wedding is in the worst possible
+taste._ PERFECT BEHAVIOR _tells all about the correct appearance and
+conduct of Bridegrooms_.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A Best Man’s Blunder _The Best Man has just been introduced to the Maid
+of Honor. Instead of waiting for her to extend her hand and make the
+acknowledgment, he has turned on his heel and bolted from the room.
+This constitutes a social blunder, after the commission of which he
+could never again, in polite society, be considered quite a gentleman_.
+PERFECT BEHAVIOR _would have told him how the man of birth and breeding
+learns to face anything with perfect “Sang froid.”_
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The Pun “De Rigueur” _The Groom has just presented his Best Man to his
+sister, who, though she is more than eager to make every one feel at
+home, has failed to make at once the pun “de rigueur” on the words
+“best man.” An awkward silence has ensued. What is to be done? Should
+one of the gentlemen fill the breach by making the pun for her? If so,
+which?_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR _covers the whole subject of making the “best
+man” pun authoritatively._
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The Young Man Doesn’t Know How to Drink _The young man at the right
+does not know how to drink. Nevertheless, he has been selected by a
+friend to act as Best Man at his wedding and has attended the Bachelor
+Dinner. Instead of doing what he should do under the circumstances, he
+is making himself conspicuous by remaining coherent while the others
+sing “Mademoiselle from Alabam’.” Had the Bridegroom provided himself
+with a copy of_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR _he would have known better than to
+have selected him._
+
+      MAKING THE FIRST CALL
+
+      The custom of social “calls” between young men and young women is
+      one of the prettiest of etiquette’s older conventions, and one
+      around which clusters a romantic group of delightful traditions.
+      In this day and generation, what with horseless carriages,
+      electric telephones and telegraphs, and dirigible gas bags, a
+      great many of the older forms have been allowed to die out,
+      greatly, I believe, to our discredit. “Speed, not manners,” seems
+      to be the motto of this century. I hope that there still exist a
+      few young men who care enough about “good form” to study
+      carefully to perfect themselves in the art of “calling.” Come,
+      Tom, Dick and Harry—drop your bicycles for an afternoon and fill
+      your minds with something besides steam engines and pneumatic
+      tires!
+
+      The first call at the home of any young lady of fashion is an
+      extremely important social function, and too great care can not
+      be taken that you prepare yourself thoroughly in advance. It
+      would be well to leave your work an hour or two earlier in the
+      afternoon, so that you can go home and practice such necessary
+      things as entering or leaving a room correctly. Most young men
+      are extremely careless in this particular, and unless you
+      rehearse yourself thoroughly in the proper procedure you are apt
+      to find later on to your dismay that you have made your exit
+      through a window onto the fire-escape instead of through the
+      proper door.
+
+      CONVERSATION AND SOME OF ITS USES
+
+      Your conversation should also be planned more or less in advance.
+      Select some topic in which you think your lady friend will be
+      interested, such as, for example, the removal of tonsils and
+      adenoids, and “read up” on the subject so that you can discuss it
+      in an intelligent manner. Find out, for example, how many people
+      had tonsils removed in February, March, April. Contrast this with
+      the same figures for 1880, 1890, 1900. Learn two or three amusing
+      anecdotes about adenoids. Consult Bartlett’s “Familiar
+      Quotations” for appropriate verses dealing with tonsils and
+      throat troubles. Finally, and above all, take time to glance
+      through four or five volumes of Dr. Eliot’s Five Foot Shelf, for
+      nothing so completely marks the cultivated man as the ability to
+      refer familiarly to the various volumes of the Harvard classics.
+
+      A PROPER CALL
+
+      Promptly at the time appointed you should arrive at the house
+      where the young lady is staying. In answer to your ring a German
+      police dog will begin to bark furiously inside the house, and a
+      maid will finally come to the door. Removing your hat and one
+      glove, you say, “Is Miss Doe home?” The maid replies, “Yass, ay
+      tank so.” You give her your card and the dog rushes out and bites
+      you on either the right or left leg. You are then ushered into a
+      room in which is seated an old man with a long white beard. He is
+      fast asleep. “Dot’s grampaw,” says the maid, to which you reply,
+      “Oh.” She retires, leaving you alone with grampaw. After a while
+      he opens his eyes and stares at you for a few minutes. He then
+      says, “Did the dog bite you?” You answer, “Yes, sir.” Grampaw
+      then says, “He bites everybody,” and goes back to sleep.
+      Reassured, you light a cigaret. A little boy and girl then come
+      to the door, and, after examining you carefully for several
+      minutes, they burst into giggling laughter and run away. You feel
+      to see if you have forgotten to put on a necktie. A severe
+      looking old lady then enters the room. You rise and bow. “I am
+      Miss Doe’s grandmother. Some one has been smoking in here,” she
+      says, and sits down opposite you. Her remark is not, however, a
+      hint for a cigaret and you should not make the mistake of saying,
+      “I’ve only got Fatimas, but if you care to try one—” It should be
+      your aim to seek to impress yourself favorably upon every member
+      of the young lady’s family. Try to engage the grandmother in
+      conversation, taking care to select subjects in which you feel
+      she would be interested. Conversation is largely the art of
+      “playing up” to the other person’s favorite subject. In this
+      particular case, for example, it would be a mistake to say to
+      Miss Doe’s grandmother, “Have you ever tried making synthetic
+      gin?” or “Do you think any one will _ever_ lick Dempsey?” A more
+      experienced person, and some one who had studied the hobbies of
+      old people, would probably begin by remarking, “Well, I see that
+      Jeremiah Smith died of cancer Thursday,” or “That was a lovely
+      burial they gave Mrs. Watts, wasn’t it?” If you are tactful, you
+      should soon win the old lady’s favor completely, so that before
+      long she will tell you all about her rheumatism and what grampaw
+      can and can’t eat.
+
+      Finally Miss Doe arrives. Her first words are, “Have you been
+      waiting long? Hilda didn’t tell me you were here,” to which you
+      reply, “No—I just arrived.” She then says, “Shall we go in the
+      drawing-room?” The answer to this is, “For God’s sake, yes!” In a
+      few minutes you find yourself alone in the drawing-room with the
+      lady of your choice and the courtship proper can then begin.
+
+      The best way to proceed is gradually to bring the conversation
+      around to the subject of the “modern girl.” After your
+      preliminary remarks about tonsils and adenoids have been
+      thoroughly exhausted, you should suddenly say, “Well I don’t
+      think girls—nice girls—are really that way.” She replies, of
+      course, “_What_ way?” You answer, “Oh, the way they are in these
+      modern novels. This ‘petting,’ for instance.” She says, “_What_
+      petting’?” You walk over and sit down on the sofa beside her.
+      “Oh,” you say, “these novelists make me sick—they seem to think
+      that in our generation every time a young man and woman are left
+      alone on a lounge together, they haven’t a thing better to do
+      than put out the light and ‘pet.’ It’s disgusting, isn’t it?”
+      “Isn’t it?” she agrees and reaching over she accidentally pulls
+      the lamp cord, which puts out the light.
+
+      On your first visit you should not stay after 12:30.
+
+      THE PROPOSAL PROPER
+
+      About the second or third month of a formal courtship it is
+      customary for the man to propose matrimony, and if the girl has
+      been “out” for three or four years and has several younger
+      sisters coming along, it is customary for her to accept him. They
+      then become “engaged,” and the courtship is concluded.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER TWO: THE ETIQUETTE OF ENGAGEMENTS AND WEDDINGS
+
+
+      THE HISTORIC ASPECT
+
+      “Matrimony,” sings Homer, the poet, “is a holy estate and not
+      lightly to be entered into.” The “old Roman” is right.
+
+      A modern wedding is one of the most intricate and exhausting of
+      social customs. Young men and women of our better classes are now
+      forced to devote a large part of their lives to acting as brides,
+      grooms, ushers and bridesmaids at various elaborate nuptials.
+      Weeks are generally required in preparation for an up-to-date
+      wedding; months are necessary in recovering from such an affair.
+      Indeed, some of the participants, notably the bride and groom,
+      never quite get over the effects of a marriage.
+
+      It was not “always thus.” Time was when the wedding was a
+      comparatively simple affair. In the Paleolithic Age, for example,
+      (as Mr. H. G. Wells of England points out in his able “Outline of
+      History”), there is no evidence of any particular ceremony
+      conjunctive with the marriage of “a male and a female.” Even with
+      the advent of Neolithic man, a wedding seems to have been
+      consummated by the rather simple process of having the bridegroom
+      crack the bride over the head with a plain, unornamented stone
+      ax. There were no ushers—no bridesmaids. But shortly after that
+      (c- 10,329—30 B.C. to be exact) two young Neoliths named Haig,
+      living in what is now supposed to be Scotland, discovered that
+      the prolonged distillation of common barley resulted in the
+      creation of an amber-colored liquid which, when taken internally,
+      produced a curious and not unpleasant effect.
+
+      This discovery had—and still has—a remarkable effect upon the
+      celebration of the marriage rite. Gradually there grew up around
+      the wedding a number of customs. With the Haig brothers’
+      discovery of Scotch whiskey began, as a matter of course, the
+      institution of the “bachelor dinner.” “Necessity is the mother of
+      invention,” and exactly twelve years after the first “bachelor
+      dinner” came the discovery of bicarbonate of soda. From that time
+      down to the present day the history of the etiquette of weddings
+      has been that of an increasing number of intricate forms and
+      ceremonies, each age having added its particular bit of ritual.
+      The modern wedding may be said to be, therefore, almost an
+      “Outline of History” itself.
+
+      ANNOUNCING THE ENGAGEMENT
+
+      Let us begin, first of all, with the duties of one of the minor
+      characters at a wedding—the Groom. Suppose that you are an
+      eligible young man named Richard Roe, who has just become
+      “engaged” to a young lady named Dorothy Doe. If you really intend
+      to “marry the girl,” it is customary that some formal
+      announcement of the engagement be made, for which you must have
+      the permission of Miss Dorothy and her father. It is not
+      generally difficult to become engaged to most girls, but it will
+      surprise you to discover how hard it is to get the young lady
+      whom you believe to be your fiancée to consent to a public
+      announcement of the fact. The reason for this probably is that an
+      engagement which has been “announced” often leads to matrimony,
+      and matrimony, in polite society, often lasts for several years.
+      After you have secured the girl’s permission, it is next
+      necessary that you notify her father of the engagement. In this
+      particular case, as he happens to be your employer, the
+      notification can take place in his office. First of all, however,
+      it would be advisable to prepare some sort of speech in advance.
+      Aim to put him as far as possible at his ease, lead up to the
+      subject gradually and tactfully. Abruptness is never “good form.”
+      The following is suggested as a possible model. “Good morning,
+      Mr. Doe, say, I heard a good story from a traveling salesman last
+      night. It seems that there was a young married couple—(here
+      insert a good story about a young married couple). Wasn’t that
+      _rich_? Yes, sir, marriage is a great thing—a great institution.
+      Every young man ought to get married, don’t you think? You do?
+      Well, Mr. Doe, I’ve got a surprise for you, (here move toward the
+      door). I’m going to (here open the door) marry (step out of the
+      room) your daughter” (close the door quickly).
+
+      THE BRIDE-TO-BE
+
+      Before the public announcement of the engagement it is customary
+      for the bride-to-be to write personal letters to all other young
+      men to whom she happens to be engaged at the time. These notes
+      should be kindly, sympathetic and tactful. The same note can be
+      written to all, provided there is no chance of their comparing
+      notes. The following is suggested:
+
+      “Dear Bob—
+
+      Bob, I want you to be the very first to know that I am engaged to
+      Richard Roe. I want you to like him, Bob, because he is a fine
+      fellow and I would rather have you like him than any one I know.
+      I feel that he and I shall be very happy together, and I want you
+      to be the first to know about it. Your friendship will always
+      remain one of the brightest things in my life, Bob, but, of
+      course, I probably won’t be able to go to the Aiken dance with
+      you now. Please don’t tell anybody about it yet. I shall never
+      forget the happy times you and I had together, Bob, and will you
+      please return those silly letters of mine. I am sending you
+      yours.”
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Ignorance of Sporting Terms Betrays the “Cockney” _Nothing so
+completely betrays the “Cockney” as a faulty knowledge of sporting
+terms. The young lady at the left has just returned from the hunting
+field hand-in-hand with the dashing “lead,” who happens to be an
+eligible billionaire. Her hostess, the mother of the sub-deb at the
+right, has greeted her by hissing, “S—o—o! I see you’ve had a good
+day’s hunting!” The use of this unsportsmanlike expression—in stead of
+the correct “Hope you had a good run,” or “Where did you find?”—at once
+discloses the hostess’s mean origin and the young lady will almost
+certainly never accept another invitation to her house._
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Proper Attitude Towards the Hostess’ Furniture _In this work-a-day
+world, one is likely to forget that there is an etiquette of pleasure,
+just as there is an etiquette of dancing or the opera. One often hears
+a charming hostess refuse to invite this or that person to her home for
+a game of billiards on the ground that he or she is a “bum sport” or a
+“rotten loser.” The above scene illustrates one of the little, but
+conspicuous, blunders that people make. The gentleman, having missed
+his fifth consecutive shot, has broken his cue over his knee and is
+ripping the baize off the table with the sharp end. This display is not
+in the best taste._
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Correct Bathing Costumes for Ladies _Good form at the beach is still a
+question of debate. Some authorities on the subject insist that the
+Rubenesque type is preferable, while others claim that the Byzantine is
+more fashionable. One thing is certain—it is absolutely incorrect for
+ladies who weigh less than 75 or more than 275 pounds (avoirdupois) to
+appear in costumes that would offend against modesty. It is also
+considered rude to hold one’s swimming partner under water for more
+then the formal quarter of an hour._
+
+      THE ENGAGEMENT LUNCHEON
+
+      The engagement is generally announced at a luncheon given by the
+      parents of the prospective bride. This is usually a small affair,
+      only fifteen or twenty of the most intimate friends of the
+      engaged “couple” being invited. It is one of the customs of
+      engagement luncheons that all the guests shall be tremendously
+      surprised at the news, and great care should be taken to aid them
+      in carrying out this tradition. On the invitations, for example,
+      should be written some misleading phrase, such as “To meet
+      General Pershing” or “Not to Announce the Engagement of our
+      Daughter.”
+
+      The announcement itself which should be made soon after the
+      guests are seated, offers a splendid opportunity for the display
+      of originality and should aim to afford the guest a surprise and
+      perhaps a laugh, for laughter of a certain quiet kind is often
+      welcome at social functions. One of the most favored methods of
+      announcing an engagement is by the use of symbolic figures
+      embodying the names of the affianced pair. Thus, for example, in
+      the case of the present engagement of Richard Roe to Dorothy Doe
+      it would be “unique” to have the first course at luncheon consist
+      of a diminutive candy or paper-mache doe seated amorously upon a
+      heart shaped order of a shad roe. The guests will at first be
+      mystified, but soon cries of “Oh, how sweet!” will arise and
+      congratulations are then in order. Great care should be taken,
+      however, that the symbolic figures are not misunderstood; it
+      would be extremely embarrassing, for example, if in the above
+      instance, a young man named “Shad” or “Aquarium” were to receive
+      the congratulations instead of the proper person. Other
+      suggestions for symbolistic announcements of some of the more
+      common names are as follows:
+
+      “_Cohan-O’Brien_”—ice cream cones on a plate of O’Brien potatoes.
+
+      “_Ames-Green_—green ice cream in the shape of a man aiming at
+      something.
+
+      “_Thorne-Hoyt_—figure of a man from Brooklyn pulling a thorn from
+      foot with expression on his face signifying “This hoits.”
+
+      “_Bullitt-Bartlett_—bartlett pears full of small 22 or 33 calibre
+      bullets.
+
+      “_Tweed-Ellis_”—frosted cake in the shape of Ellis Island with a
+      solitary figure of a man in a nice fitting tweed suit.
+
+      “_Gordon-Fuller_”—two paper-mache figures—one representing a
+      young man full of Gordon gin, the other representing a young man
+      fuller.
+
+      “_Hatch-Gillette_”—figure of a chicken surprised at having
+      hatched a safety razor.
+
+      “_Graves-Colgate_”—figure of a man brushing his teeth in a
+      cemetery.
+
+      “_Heinz-Fish_”—57 assorted small fish tastily arranged on one
+      plate.
+
+      SELECTING THE BRIDAL PARTY
+
+      AS soon as the engagement has been announced it is the duty of
+      the prospective bride to select a maid-of-honor and eight or ten
+      bridesmaids, while the groom must choose his best man and ushers.
+      In making these selections it should be carefully borne in mind
+      that no wedding party is complete without the following:
+
+1 bridesmaid who danced twice with the Prince of Wales.
+2 Bridesmaids who never danced more than once with anybody.
+1 bridesmaid who doesn’t “Pet.”
+1 bridesmaid who was expelled from Miss Spence’s.
+1 bridesmaid who talks “Southern.”
+1 bridesmaid who met Douglas Fairbanks once.
+1 bridesmaid who rowed on the crew at Wellesley.
+1 usher who doesn’t drink anything.
+9 ushers who drink anything.
+
+      In some localities, following the announcement, it is customary
+      for the bride’s friends, to give for her a number of “showers.”
+      These are for the purpose of providing her with various
+      necessities for her wedded household life. These affairs should
+      be informal and only her dearest or wealthiest friends should be
+      invited. A clever bride will generally arrange secretly for
+      several of these “showers” by promising a certain percentage
+      (usually 15% of the gross up to $500.00 and 25% bonus on all over
+      that amount) to the friend who gives the party. Some of the more
+      customary “showers” of common household articles for the new
+      bride are toothpaste, milk of magnesia, screen doors, copies of
+      Service’s poems, Cape Cod lighters, pictures of “Age of
+      Innocence” and back numbers of the “Atlantic Monthly.”
+
+      INVITATIONS AND WEDDING PRESENTS
+
+      The proper time to send out invitations to a wedding is between
+      two and three weeks before the day set for the ceremony, although
+      the out-of-town invitations should be mailed in plenty of time to
+      allow the recipient to purchase and forward a suitable present.
+      As the gifts are received, a check mark should be placed after
+      the name of the donor, together with a short description of the
+      present and an estimate as to its probable cost. This list is to
+      be used later, at the wedding reception, in determining the
+      manner in which the bride is to greet the various guests. It has
+      been found helpful by many brides to devise some sort of memory
+      system whereby certain names immediately suggest certain
+      responses, thus:
+
+      “Mr. Snodgrass—copy of ‘Highways and Byways in Old France’”—c.
+      $6.50—“how do you do, Mr. Snodgrass, have you met my mother?”
+
+      “Mr. Brackett—Solid silver candlesticks—$68.50”—“hello, Bob, you
+      old peach. How about a kiss?”
+
+      The real festivities of a wedding start about three days before
+      the ceremony, with the arrival of the “wedding party,” in which
+      party the most responsible position is that of best man. Let us
+      suppose that you are to be the best man at the Roe-Doe nuptials.
+      What are your duties?
+
+      In the first place, you must prepare yourself for the wedding by
+      a course of training extending for over a month or more prior to
+      the actual event. It should be your aim to work yourself into
+      such a condition that you can go for three nights without sleep,
+      talk for hours to the most impossibly stupid of young women, and
+      consume an unending amount of alcohol. You are then prepared for
+      the bachelor dinner, the bridal dinner, the bridesmaids, the
+      wedding, and the wedding reception.
+
+      DUTIES OF THE BEST MAN
+
+      Upon your arrival in the city where the wedding is to take place
+      you will be met by the bridegroom, who will take you to the home
+      of the bride where you are to stay. There you are met by the
+      bride’s father. “This is my best man,” says the groom. “The best
+      man?” replies her father. “Well, may the best man win.” At once
+      you reply, “Ha! Ha! Ha!” He then says, “Is this your first visit
+      to Chicago?” to which the correct answer is, “Yes, sir, but I
+      hope it isn’t my last.”
+
+      The bride’s mother then appears. “This is my best man,” says the
+      groom. “Well,” says she, “remember—the best man doesn’t always
+      win.” “Ha! Ha! Ha!” you at once reply. “Is this your first visit
+      to Chicago?” says she, to which you answer, “Yes—but I hope it
+      isn’t my last.”
+
+      You are then conducted to your room, where you are left alone to
+      unpack. In a few minutes the door will open and a small boy
+      enter. This is the brother of the bride. You smile at him
+      pleasantly and remark, “Is this your first visit to Chicago?”
+      “What are you doing?” is his answer. “Unpacking,” you reply.
+      “What’s that?” says he. “A cutaway,” you reply. “What’s that?”
+      says he. “A collar bag.” “What’s that?” “A dress shirt.” “What’s
+      that?” says he. “Another dress shirt.” “What’s that?” says he.
+      “Say, listen,” you reply, “don’t I hear some one calling you?”
+      “No,” says he, “what’s that?” “That,” you reply, with a sigh of
+      relief, “is a razor. Here—take it and play with it.” In three
+      minutes, if you have any luck at all, the bride’s brother will
+      have cut himself severely in several places which will cause him
+      to run crying from the room. You can then finish unpacking.
+
+      THE BRIDE’S TEA
+
+      The first function of the pre-nuptial festivities is generally a
+      tea at the bride’s home, where the ushers and bridesmaids meet to
+      become “acquainted.” It is your duty, as best man, to go to the
+      hotel where the ushers are stopping and bring them to this tea.
+      Just as you will leave on this mission the groom will whisper in
+      your ear, “For God’s sake, remember to tell them that her father
+      and mother are terribly opposed to drinking in any form.” This is
+      an awfully good joke on her father and mother.
+
+      As you step out of the hotel elevator you hear at the end of the
+      hall a chorus shouting, “Mademoiselle from Armentières—_parlez
+      vous!_” Those are your ushers.
+
+      Opening the door of the room you step forward and announce,
+      “Fellows, we have got to go to a tea right away. Come on—let’s
+      go.” At this, ten young men in cutaways will stand up and shout,
+      “Yeaaa—the best man—give the best man a drink!” From then on, at
+      twelve minute intervals, it is your duty to say, “Fellows, we
+      have got to go to a tea right away. Come on—let’s go.” Each time
+      you will be handed another drink, which you may take with either
+      your right or left hand.
+
+      After an hour the telephone will ring. It will be the groom. He
+      will say, “Everybody is waiting for you and the ushers,” to which
+      you reply, “We are just leaving.” He then says, “And don’t forget
+      to tell them what I told you about her father and mother.”
+
+      You then hang up the receiver, take a drink in one hand and say,
+      “Fellows, I have a very solemn message for you. It’s a message
+      which is of deep importance to each one of us. Fellows—her father
+      and mother object to the use of alcohol in any form.”
+
+      This statement will be greeted with applause and cheers. You will
+      all then take one more drink, put on your silk hats and gray
+      gloves, and leave the room singing, “Her father and mother object
+      to drink—_parlez vous_.”
+
+      The tea given by the bride’s parents is generally a small affair
+      to which only the members of the wedding party are invited. When
+      you and the ushers arrive, you will find the bride, the maid of
+      honor and the bridesmaids waiting for you. As you enter the room,
+      make a polite bow to the bride’s father and mother, and be sure
+      to apologize for your lateness. Nothing so betrays the social
+      “oil can” as a failure to make a plausible excuse for tardiness.
+      Whenever you are late for a party you must always have ready some
+      good reason for your fault, such as, “Excuse me, Mrs. Doe, I’m
+      afraid I am a little late, but you see, just as I was dressing,
+      this filling dropped out of my tooth and I had to have it put
+      back in.” If the host and hostess seem to doubt your statement,
+      it would be well to show them the recalcitrant filling in
+      question, although if they are “well-bred” they will probably in
+      most cases take you at your word.
+
+      THE MAID OF HONOR
+
+      You and the ushers will then be introduced to the bridesmaids and
+      the maid of honor. As you meet this latter young lady, who is the
+      bride’s older sister and, of course, your partner for the
+      remainder of the wedding festivities, she will say, “The best
+      man? Well, they say that the best man wins... Ha! Ha! Ha!” This
+      puts her in class G 6 without further examination, and your only
+      hope of prolonging your life throughout the next two days lies in
+      the frequent and periodic administration of stimulants.
+
+      THE BACHELOR DINNER AND AFTER
+
+      That evening the groom gives for the best man and the ushers what
+      is known as a “bachelor dinner.” It is his farewell to his men
+      friends as he passes out of the state of bachelorhood. The formal
+      passing out generally occurs toward the end of the dinner, and is
+      a quaint ceremony participated in by most of those present.
+
+      It is customary for the best man to wake up about noon of the
+      following day. You will not have the slightest idea as to where
+      you are or how you got there. You will be wearing your dress
+      trousers, your stiff or pleated bosom dress shirt, black socks
+      and pumps, and the coat of your pajamas. In one hand you will be
+      clutching a chrysanthemum. After a few minutes there will come a
+      low moan from the next bed. That is usually the groom, also in
+      evening dress with the exception that he has tried to put on the
+      trousers of your pajamas over his dress trousers. You then say,
+      “What happened?” to which he replies, “Oh, Judas.” You wait
+      several minutes. In the next room you hear the sound of a shower
+      bath and some one whistling. The bath stops; the whistling
+      continues. The door then opens and there enters one of the
+      ushers. He is the usher who always “feels great” the next day
+      after the bachelor dinner. He says to you, “Well, boys, you look
+      all in.” You do not reply. He continues, “Gosh, I feel fine.” You
+      make no response. He then begins to chuckle, “I don’t suppose you
+      remember,” he says, “what you said to the bride’s mother when I
+      brought you home last night.” You sit quickly up in bed. “What
+      did I say?” you ask. “Was I tight?” “Were you tight?” he replies,
+      still chuckling. “Don’t you remember what you said? And don’t you
+      remember trying to get the bride’s father to slide down the
+      banisters with you? Were you tight—Oh, my gosh!” He then exits,
+      chuckling. Statistics of several important life insurance
+      companies show that that type of man generally dies a violent
+      death before the age of thirty.
+
+      THE REHEARSAL
+
+      The rehearsal for the wedding is usually held in the church on
+      the afternoon preceding the day of the nuptials. The ushers, of
+      course, are an hour late, which gives the bridegroom (Bap.) an
+      opportunity to meet the minister (Epis.) and have a nice, long
+      chat about religion, while the best man (Atheist) talks to the
+      eighty-three year old sexton who buried the bride’s grandpa and
+      grandma and has knowed little Miss Dorothy come twenty years next
+      Michaelmas. The best man’s offer of twenty-five dollars, if the
+      sexton will at once bury the maid of honor, is generally refused
+      as a matter of courtesy.
+
+      THE BRIDAL DINNER
+
+      In the evening, the parents of the bride give the bridal dinner,
+      to which all the relatives and close friends of the family are
+      invited. Toasts are drunk in orange juice and rare old Virginia
+      Dare wine, and much good-natured fun is indulged in by all.
+      Speeches are usually made by the bride and groom, their parents,
+      the best man, the maid of honor, the minister and Aunt Harriet.
+
+      Just a word about the speeches at a bridal dinner. Terrible!
+
+      A CHURCH WEDDING
+
+      On the day of the wedding the ushers should arrange to be at the
+      church an hour or so in advance of the time set for the ceremony.
+      They should be dressed in cutaways, with ties, gloves and
+      gardenias provided by the groom.
+
+      It is the duty of the best man to dress the bridegroom for the
+      wedding. As you enter his room you see, lying half-dressed on the
+      bed, a pale, wan, emaciated creature, who is staring fixedly at
+      the ceiling. It is the happy bridegroom. His lips open. He speaks
+      feebly. “What time is it?” he says. You reply, “Two-thirty, old
+      man. Time to start getting dressed.” “Oh, my God!” says the
+      groom. Ten minutes pass. “What time is it?” says the groom.
+      “Twenty of three,” you reply. “Here’s your shirt.” “Oh, my God!”
+      says the groom.
+
+      He takes the shirt and tries to put it on. You help him. “Better
+      have a little Scotch, old man,” you say. “What time is it?” he
+      replies. “Five of three,” you say. “Oh, my God!” says the groom.
+
+      At three-thirty you and he are dressed in cutaways and promptly
+      at three-forty-two you arrive at the church. You are ushered into
+      a little side room where it is your duty to sit with the corpse
+      for the few brief hours which elapse between three-forty-five and
+      four o’clock. Occasionally he stirs and a faint spark of life
+      seems to struggle in his sunken eyes. His lips move feebly. You
+      bend over to catch his dying words. “Have—you—got—the ring?” he
+      whispers. “Yes,” you reply. “Everything’s fine. You look great,
+      too, old man.” The sound of the organ reaches your ears. The
+      groom groans. “Have you got the ring?” he says.
+
+      Meanwhile the ushers have been performing their duty of showing
+      the invited guests to the various pews. A correctly trained usher
+      will always have ready some cheery word or sprightly bit of
+      conversation to make the guests feel perfectly at home as he
+      conducts them to their seats. “It’s a nice day, isn’t it?” is
+      suggested as a perfectly safe and yet not too unusual topic of
+      conversation. This can be varied by remarking, “Isn’t it a nice
+      day?” or in some cases, where you do not wish to appear too
+      forward, “Is it a nice day, or isn’t it?” An usher should also
+      remember that although he has on a cutaway, he is neither a
+      floor-walker nor a bond salesman, and remarks such as “Something
+      in a dotted Swiss?” or “Third aisle over—second pew—next the
+      ribbon goods,” are decidedly _non au fait_.
+
+      The first two pews on each side of the center aisle are always
+      reserved for members of the immediate family, but it is a firmly
+      established custom that the ushers shall seat in these “family
+      pews” at least three people with whom the family are barely on
+      speaking terms. This slight error always causes Aunt Nellie and
+      Uncle Fred to sit up in the gallery with the family cook.
+
+      With the arrival of the bride, the signal is given to the
+      organist to start the wedding march, usually either Mendelssohn’s
+      or Wagner’s. About this time the mother of the bride generally
+      discovers that the third candle from the left on the rear altar
+      has not been lighted, which causes a delay of some fifteen
+      minutes during which time the organist improvises one hundred and
+      seventy-three variations on the opening strains of the march.
+
+      Finally all is adjusted and the procession starts down the aisle
+      led by the ushers swaying slowly side by side. It is always
+      customary for three or four of the eight ushers to have
+      absolutely no conception of time or rhythm, which adds a quaint
+      touch of uncertainty and often a little humor to the performance.
+
+      After the Scotch mist left by the passing ushers has cleared,
+      there come the bridesmaids, the maid of honor, and then, leaning
+      on her father’s arm (unless, of course, her father is dead), the
+      bride.
+
+      In the meantime, the bridegroom has been carried in by the best
+      man and awaits the procession at the foot of the aisle, which is
+      usually four hundred and forty yards long. The ushers and
+      bridesmaids step awkwardly to one side; the groom advances and a
+      hush falls over the congregation which is the signal for the
+      bride’s little niece to ask loudly, “What’s that funny looking
+      man going to do, Aunt Dotty?”
+
+      Then follows the religious ceremony.
+
+      Immediately after the church service, a reception is held at the
+      bride’s home, where refreshments are served and two hundred and
+      forty-two invited guests make the same joke about kissing the
+      bride. At the reception it is customary for the ushers and the
+      best man to crawl off in separate corners and die.
+
+      The wedding “festivities” are generally concluded with the
+      disappearance of the bride, the bridegroom, one of the uninvited
+      guests and four of the most valuable presents.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The Man of Refinement Controls His Emotions _The man of culture and
+refinement, while always considerate to those beneath him in station,
+never, under any circumstances, loses control of his emotions for an
+instant. Though the gentleman-rider in the picture may be touchingly
+fond of his steeplechase horse, it is unpardonably bad form for him to
+make an exhibition of his affection while going over the brush in plain
+view of numbers of total strangers. In doing so he simply is making a
+“guy” of himself, and it is no more than he deserves if those in the
+gallery raise their eyebrows at each other and smile knowingly._
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Comparative Advantages of the Pen—the Phone _The Romans had a proverb,
+“Litera scripta manet,” which means “The written letter remains.” The
+subtle wisdom of these words was no doubt well known to the men of the
+later Paleolithic Age before them, but evidently the gentleman in the
+engraving never heard of it. If he had kept this simple little rule of
+social correspondence in mind he would have avoided the painful
+experience of hearing his obsolete emotions exposed to the eager ears
+of twelve perfect strangers. It is customary nowadays for unmarried
+elder sons of our most aristocratic families to express their
+appreciation of the qualities of fascinating bachelor girls over the
+sensible, though plebeian, telephone._
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER THREE: THE ETIQUETTE OF TRAVEL
+
+
+      The etiquette of travel, like that of courtship and marriage, has
+      undergone several important changes with the advent of
+      “democracy” and the “mechanical age.” Time was when travel was
+      indulged in only by the better classes of society and the rules
+      of travellers’ etiquette were well defined and acknowledged by
+      all. But Yankee ingenuity has indeed brought the “mountain to
+      Mahomet”; the “iron horse” and the “Pullman coach” have, I
+      believe, come to stay, bringing with them many new customs and
+      manners for the well-bred gentleman or lady who would travel
+      correctly. Truly, the “old order changeth” and it is, perhaps,
+      only proper that one should keep (if you will pardon the use of
+      the word), “abreast” of the times.
+
+      HINTS FOR THE CORRECT PEDESTRIAN
+
+      Let us suppose, for example, that you are a young gentleman of
+      established social position in one of the many cities of our
+      great middle west, and it is your desire to travel from your home
+      to New York City for the purpose of viewing the many attractions
+      of that metropolis of which I need perhaps only mention the
+      Aquarium or Grant’s Tomb or the Eden Musee. Now there are many
+      ways of getting to New York, such as (a) on foot, (b) via “rail”;
+      it should be your first duty to select one of these methods of
+      transportation. Walking to New York (“a” above) is often rejected
+      because of the time and effort involved and it is undoubtedly
+      true that if one attempted to journey afoot from the middle west
+      one would probably be quite fatigued at the end of one’s journey.
+      The etiquette of walking, however, is the same for short as for
+      long distances, and I shall at this point give a few of the many
+      rules for correct behavior among pedestrians.
+
+      In the first place, it is always customary in a city for a young
+      lady, either accompanied or unaccompanied, to walk on the
+      sidewalk. A young “miss” who persists in walking in the gutters
+      is more apt to lose than to make friends among the socially
+      “worth while.”
+
+      Gentlemen, either with or without ladies, are never seen walking
+      after dark in the sewers or along the elevated, tracks.
+
+      It is not _au fait_ for gentlemen or ladies wearing evening dress
+      to “catch on behind” passing ice wagons, trucks, etc.; the time
+      and energy saved are doubtfully repaid should one happen to be
+      driven thus past other members of one’s particular social “set.”
+
+      Ladies walking alone on the street after dark do not speak to
+      gentlemen unless they have been previously introduced or are out
+      of work with winter coming on.
+
+      A gentleman walking alone at night, when accosted by a young
+      woman whom he has not met socially, removes his hat politely,
+      bows and passes on, unless she looks awfully good.
+
+      Débutantes meeting traffic policemen always bow first in America;
+      in the Continental countries, with their age-old flavor of
+      aristocratic court life, this custom is reversed.
+
+      A bachelor, accompanied by a young unmarried woman, when stepping
+      accidentally into an open coal or sewer hole in the sidewalk,
+      removes his hat and gloves as inconspicuously as possible.
+
+      It is never correct for young people of either “sex” to push
+      older ladies in front of swiftly approaching motor vehicles or
+      street cars.
+
+      A young man, if run over by an automobile driven by a strange
+      lady, should lie perfectly still (unless dead) until an
+      introduction can be arranged; the person driving the car usually
+      speaks first.
+
+      An unmarried woman, if run into and knocked down by a taxicab
+      driven by someone in her own “set,” usually says “Why the hell
+      don’t you look where you’re going?” to which the taxi driver,
+      removing his hat, replies “Why the hell don’t _you?_”
+
+      A correct costume for gentlemen walking in the parks or streets
+      of a city, either before or after dark, consists of shoes (2),
+      socks (2), undergarments, trousers, shirt, necktie, collar, vest,
+      coat and hat. For pedestrians of the “opposite” sex the costume
+      is practically the same with the exception of the socks,
+      trousers, shirt, necktie, collar, vest and coat. However, many
+      women now affect “knickerbockers” and _vice versa_.
+
+      A young lady of good breeding, when walking alone, should not
+      talk or laugh in a loud boisterous manner. “Capers” (e. g.
+      climbing trees, etc.), while good exercise and undoubtedly
+      fashionable in certain “speedy” circles, are of questionable
+      taste for ladies, especially if indulged in to excess or while
+      walking with young gentlemen on the Sabbath. Sport is sport, and
+      no one loves a stiff game of “fives” or “rounders” more than I,
+      but the spectacle of a young unmarried lady and her escort
+      hanging by their limbs on the Lord’s Day from the second or third
+      cross arm of an electric telegraph pole is certainly carrying
+      things a bit too far, in my opinion, even in this age of “golf”
+      and lawn “tennis.”
+
+      A young gentleman escorting a young lady on foot to a formal ball
+      or the opera should walk on the outside, especially if they are
+      both in evening dress and have a long distance to go. It is never
+      incorrect to suggest the use of a street car, or as one gets near
+      the Opera House, a carriage or a “taxicab.”
+
+      A young man walking with a young lady, when accosted by a beggar,
+      always gives the beggar something unless the young lady is his
+      wife or his sister.
+
+      So much for pedestrians. I can not, of course, pretend to give
+      here all the rules for those who “go afoot” and I can only say
+      that the safest principle for correct behavior in this, as in
+      many social matters, is the now famous reply Thomas Edison once
+      made to the stranger who asked him with what he mixed his paints
+      in order to get such marvellous effects. “One part inspiration,”
+      replied the great inventor, “and NINE parts perspiration.” In
+      other words, etiquette is not so much a matter of “genius” as of
+      steady application to small details.
+
+      TRAVELLING BY RAIL
+
+      In America much of the travelling is done by “rail.” The
+      etiquette of railroad behavior is extremely complicated,
+      especially if one is forced to spend the night _en route_ (on the
+      way) and many and ludicrous are the mistakes made by those whose
+      social training has apparently fitted them more for a freight car
+      than for an up-to-date “parlor” or “Pullman” coach.
+
+      GOOD FORM ON A STREET CAR
+
+      Let us, first of all, however, take up some of the simpler forms
+      of rail transportation, such as, for example, the electric street
+      or “tram” car now to be seen on the main highways and byways of
+      all our larger cities. The rules governing behavior on these
+      vehicles often appear at first quite complicated, but when one
+      has learned the “ropes,” as they say in the Navy, one should have
+      no difficulty.
+
+      An elderly lady with a closed umbrella, for example, desiring to
+      take a street car, should always stand directly under a large
+      sign marked “Street Cars Do Not Stop On This Corner.” As the car
+      approaches she should run quickly out to the car tracks and
+      signal violently to the motorman with the umbrella. As the car
+      whizzes past without stopping she should cease signalling, remark
+      “Well I’ll be God damned!” and return to the curbstone. After
+      this performance has been repeated with three successive cars she
+      should then walk slowly out and lie down, in a dignified manner,
+      across the car tracks. In nine cases out of ten the motorman of
+      the next “tram” will see her lying there and will be gentleman
+      enough to stop his car.
+
+      When this happens the elderly lady should get quietly up from the
+      street and stand outside the door marked “Exit Only” until the
+      motorman opens it for her. She should then enter with the remark,
+      “I signalled to three cars and not one of them stopped,” to which
+      the motorman will reply, “But, lady, that sign there says they
+      don’t stop on this corner.” The lady should then say “What’s your
+      number—I’m going to report you.”
+
+      After taking his number she should enter the car. At the opposite
+      end of the vehicle there will undoubtedly be three or four vacant
+      seats; instead of taking one of these she should stand up in
+      front of some young man and glare at him until he gets up and
+      gives her his place.
+
+      It is not customary in American cities for ladies to thank
+      gentlemen who provide them with seats.
+
+      After a few minutes she should turn to the man at her right and
+      ask “Does this car go to Madison Heights?” He will answer “No.”
+      She should then turn to the man on her left and ask “Does this
+      car go to Madison Heights?” He will answer “No.” Her next
+      question—“Does this car go to Madison Heights?”—should be
+      addressed to a man across the aisle, and the answer will be “No.”
+      She should then listen attentively while the conductor calls out
+      the names of the streets and as he shouts “Blawmnoo!” she should
+      ask the man at her right “Did he say Madison Heights?” He will
+      reply “No.” At the next street the conductor will shout
+      “Blawmnoo!” at which she should ask “Did he say Madison Heights?”
+      Once more the answer will be in the negative. The car will
+      proceed, the conductor will now call “Blawmnoo!” and as the
+      elderly lady once more says “Did he say Madison Heights?” the man
+      at her left, the man at her right, the man across the aisle and
+      eight other male passengers will shout “YES!”
+
+      It is then correct for her to pickup her umbrella and, carefully
+      waiting until the conductor has pulled the “go ahead” signal, she
+      should cry “Wait a minute, conductor—I want to get off here.” The
+      car will then be stopped and she should say “Is this Madison
+      Heights?” to which the conductor will reply “This ain’t the
+      Madison Heights car, lady.” She should then say “But you called
+      out Madison Heights,” to which he will answer “No, lady—that’s
+      eight miles in the opposite direction.” She should then leave the
+      street car, not forgetting, however, to take the conductor’s
+      number again.
+
+      The above hints for “tram” car etiquette apply, of course, only
+      to elderly ladies. For young men and women the procedure would be
+      in many cases quite different. A young married woman, for
+      example, on entering a street car, should always have her ticket
+      or small “change” so securely buried in the fourth inside
+      pocketbook of her handbag that she cannot possibly find it inside
+      of twelve minutes. Three or more middle-aged ladies, riding
+      together, should never decide as to who is to pay the fare until
+      the conductor has gone stark raving mad.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Hints on Homely Young Ladies at a Dance _Her conduct has stamped the
+young lady as a provincial and it is not to be wondered at if
+suppressed titters and half audible chuckles follow her about the
+room._ PERFECT BEHAVIOR _would have taught her that it is not the
+prerogative of a muddy-complexioned dud—even if she has had only one
+dance and her costume is very expensive—to cut in on a gentleman (by
+grabbing his neck or any other method) when he is dancing with the
+wide-eyed beauty from the South who leaves in five minutes to catch a
+train. He will be within his rights when, at the end of five minutes,
+after three unsuccessful attempts to loosen her grip, he will carry her
+into the garden under false pretences and there play the hose on her
+until she drowns._
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The Law of Reprisal in Etiquette _They are leaving the home of an
+intimate friend of several weeks’ standing, after having witnessed a
+Private Theatrical. Both feel that some return should be made for their
+hostess’s kindness but neither is certain as to just what form the
+return should take. The Book of_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR _would have pointed
+out to them that the only adequate and satisfactory revenge for this
+sort of thing is to invite the lady, as soon as possible without
+exciting her suspicion, to attend an Italian opera or a drawing-room
+musicale._
+
+      IN THE SUBWAY
+
+      The rules governing correct behavior in the underground “subway”
+      systems of our great cities (particularly the New York subways)
+      are, however, much more simple and elemental than the etiquette
+      for surface cars. In the subway, for example, if you are a
+      married man and living with your wife, or head of a family, i.
+      e., a person who actually supports one or more persons living in
+      (or under) his (or her) household on the last day of the
+      preceding calendar year, provided that such person or persons
+      shall not on or before July 1 or if July 1 shall fall on a Sunday
+      then on the day nearest preceding July 1, himself (or themselves)
+      have filed a separate report as provided in paragraph (g), you
+      should precede a lady when entering, and follow a lady when
+      leaving, the train.
+
+      A HONEYMOON IN A SUBWAY
+
+      On the other hand, a wedding or a “honeymoon” trip in a subway
+      brings up certain problems of etiquette which are entirely
+      different from the above. Let us suppose, for example, that the
+      wedding takes place at high noon in exclusive old “Trinity”
+      church, New York. The nearest subway is of course the
+      “Interborough” (West Side) and immediately after the ceremony the
+      lucky couple can run poste haste to the “Battery” and board a
+      Lenox Ave. Local. Arriving at romantic Chambers St. they should
+      change at once to a Bronx Park Express which will speedily whizz
+      them past 18th St., 23rd St. and 28th St. to the Pennsylvania
+      Station where they can again transfer, this time to a Broadway
+      Local. In a jiffy and two winks of an eye they will be at Times
+      Square, the heart of the “Great White Way” (that Mecca of
+      pleasure seekers and excitement lovers) where they can either
+      change to a Broadway Express, journeying under Broadway to
+      historic Columbia University and Harlem, or they can take the
+      busy little “shuttle” which will hurry them over to the Grand
+      Central Station. There they can board the aristocratic East Side
+      Subway, either “up” or “down” town. The trip “up town” (Lexington
+      Ave. Express) passes under some of the better class residential
+      districts, but the journey in the other direction is perhaps more
+      interesting, including as it does such stops as 14th St.,
+      Brooklyn Bridge, Fulton Street, Wall Street (the financial
+      center) etc., not to mention a delightful passage under the East
+      River to Brooklyn, the city of homes and churches. Thus without
+      getting out of their seats the happy pair can be transported from
+      one fascinating end of the great city to the other and when they
+      have exhausted the possibilities of a honeymoon in the
+      Interborough they can change, with the additional cost of only a
+      few cents apiece, to the B. R. T. or the Hudson Tubes which will
+      gladly carry them to a thousand new and interesting places—a
+      veritable Aladdin’s lamp on rails.
+
+      TRAVELLING UNDER STEAM
+
+      And now we come to that most complex form of travel—the railroad
+      journey. Let us suppose that instead of attempting to walk to New
+      York you have elected to go on the “train.” On the day of your
+      departure you should carefully pack your bag or suitcase, taking
+      care to strap and lock it securely. You can then immediately
+      unstrap and unlock it in order to put in the tooth paste and
+      shaving brush which you forgot to bring from the bathroom.
+
+      Arriving at the station promptly on the time scheduled for the
+      train to depart you will find that because of “daylight saving
+      time” you have exactly an hour to wait. The time, however, can be
+      amusingly and economically spent in the station as follows: 11
+      weighing machines @.01 =.11; 3 weighing machines @.05 =.15; 1
+      weighing machine (out of order).09; 17 slot machines (chocolate
+      and gum) @.01 =.17. Total cost—.50, unless, of course, you eat
+      the chocolate.
+
+      Upon the arrival of the train you consult your ticket to find
+      that you have “lower 9” in car 43. Walking back to the end of the
+      train and entering car 43 you will find, in berth number 9, a
+      tired woman and two small children. You will also find a hat box,
+      a bird cage, a bag of oranges, a bag of orange peelings, a
+      shoe-box of lunch, a rag doll, a toy balloon, half a “cookie” and
+      8,000,000 crumbs. The tired woman will then say to you “Are you
+      the gentleman who has the lower berth?” to which you answer
+      “Yes.” She will then say “Well say—we’ve got the upper—and I
+      wonder if you would mind—” “Not at, all,” you reply, “I should be
+      only too glad to give you my lower.” This is always done.
+
+      After you have seated yourself and the train has started the
+      lady’s little boy will announce, “I want a drink, Mama.” After he
+      has repeated this eleven times his mother will say to you “I
+      wonder if you would mind holding the baby while I take Elmer to
+      get a drink?”
+
+      The etiquette of holding babies is somewhat difficult for
+      bachelors to master at first as there are no hard and fast rules
+      governing conduct under these circumstances. An easy “hold” for
+      beginners and one which is difficult for the ordinary baby to
+      break consists in wrapping the left and right arms firmly around
+      the center of the child, at the same time clutching the clothing
+      with the right hand and the toes with the left and praying to God
+      that the damn thing won’t drop.
+
+      In this particular case, after Elmer and his mother have gone
+      down the aisle after a drink, the baby which you are holding will
+      at once begin to cry. Now as every mother knows, and especially
+      those mothers who have had children, a baby does not cry without
+      some specific reason and all that is necessary in the present
+      instance is to discover this reason. First of all, the child may
+      be merely hungry, in which case you should at once ask the porter
+      to bring you the a la carte menu. You should then carefully go
+      over the list of dishes with the infant, taking care to spell out
+      and explain such names as he may not understand. “How would you
+      like some nice assorted hors d’œuvres?” you say. “Waaaaa!” says
+      the baby. “No hors d’œuvres,” you say to the waiter. “Some blue
+      points, perhaps—you know, o-y-s-t-e-r-s?” You might even act out
+      a blue point or two, as in charades, so that the child will
+      understand what you mean. In case, however, the baby does not
+      cease crying after having eaten the first three or four courses,
+      you should not insist on a salad and a dessert, for probably it
+      is not hunger which is occasioning the outcry. Perhaps it is a
+      pin, in which case you should at once bend every effort to the
+      discovery and removal of the irritant. The most generally
+      accepted modern way of effecting this consists in passing a large
+      electro-magnet over every portion of the child’s anatomy and the
+      pin (if pin there be) will of course at once come to light. Then,
+      too, many small children cry merely because they have swallowed
+      something which does not agree with them, such as, for example, a
+      gold tooth or a shoe horn; the remedy in this case consists in
+      _immediately_ feeding the child the proper counter irritant.
+      There is, really, no great mystery about the successful raising
+      of children and with a few common sense principles, such as
+      presented above, any mother may relieve herself of a great deal
+      of useless anxiety. I hope I may be pardoned for a digression
+      here, but I feel very strongly that “today’s babies are
+      tomorrow’s citizens” and I do want to see them brought up in the
+      proper way.
+
+      But to return to our train. Perhaps by this time the mother and
+      Elmer will have returned and you will be relieved of further
+      investigation as to the cause of the infant’s discomfort. A few
+      minutes later, however, little Elmer will say “Mama, I want the
+      window open.” This request will be duly referred to you via the
+      line of authority. It is then your duty to assume a firm upright
+      stance, with the weight evenly distributed on both feet, and work
+      for twelve minutes and thirty-nine seconds in a terrific struggle
+      to raise the windows. At the end of twelve minutes and forty
+      seconds you will succeed, the window will slowly go up, and the
+      train will at once enter a tunnel, filling the car and you with
+      coal smoke. In the resulting darkness and confusion you should
+      seize little Elmer, throw him quickly out of the open window and
+      make your escape to the gentlemen’s smoking compartment in the
+      rear of your car.
+
+      In the “smoker” you will find three men. The first of these will
+      be saying “and he told me that a bootlegger he knew had cleaned
+      up a thousand dollars a week since January.” The second will say
+      “Well down where I come from there’s men who never took a drink
+      before prohibition who get drunk all the time now.” The third
+      will say “Well, I tell you, men—the saloon had to go.”
+
+      Provision for satisfying the “inner man” is now a regular part of
+      the equipment of all modern trains, and about 6:30 or 7 you
+      should leave your companions in the “smoker” and walk through the
+      train until you reach the “diner.” Here you will seat yourself at
+      a table with three other gentlemen, the first of whom will be
+      remarking, as you sit down, “and I know for a fact that this
+      bootlegger is making over fifty thousand dollars a year.”
+
+      A CORRECT NIGHT IN A PULLMAN
+
+      Before the days of modern railroads one could not very well
+      travel over night but now, thanks to Mr. Pullman, it is possible
+      for the traveller to go to bed en route and be every bit as snug
+      and comfortable as the proverbial insect in a rug. Shortly after
+      dinner the porter will “make up” the berths in the car and when
+      you desire to retire for the night you should ask him to bring
+      you the ladder in order that you may ascend to upper 9. While you
+      are waiting you should stand in the aisle and remove your coat,
+      vest and shoes, and then begin to search for your suitcase which
+      you will finally locate by crawling on your chin and stomach
+      under berth number 11. When you again resume an upright position
+      the train will give a sudden lurch, precipitating you into berth
+      number 12. A woman’s voice will then say “Alice?” to which you
+      should of course answer “No” and climb quickly up the ladder into
+      your proper berth.
+
+      A great deal of “to do” is often made of the difficulty involved
+      in undressing in an upper berth but most of this is quite
+      uncalled for. Experienced travellers now generally wait until the
+      lights of the car have been dimmed or extinguished when the
+      disrobing can be done quite simply in five counts, as follows:
+      _One_—unloosen all clothing and lie flat on the back. The
+      respiration should be natural, easy and through the lungs. The
+      muscles should be relaxed; _Two_—pivoting on the back of the head
+      and neck, inhale quickly, at the same time drawing the muscles of
+      the legs and arms sharply under the body, as for a spring;
+      _Three_—spring suddenly upward and to the right (or left),
+      catching the bell cord (which extends along the roof of the
+      train) with the teeth, hands and feet; _Four_—holding firmly to
+      the cord with the knees, describe a sudden arc downward with the
+      head and body, returning to position as soon as the shirt and
+      undershirt have dropped off into the aisle; _Five_—taking a firm
+      hold on the cord with the teeth, let go sharply with the knees.
+      The trousers, etc., should at once slide off, and you can (and,
+      in fact, should) then swing yourself quickly back into your berth
+      and pajamas.
+
+      Once inside your “bunk” you should drift quickly off to
+      slumberland, and when you wake up it will be five minutes later
+      and the————engineer will be trying to see what he can do with an
+      air brake and a few steel sleeping cars.
+
+      In the morning you will be in New York.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER FOUR: AT THE CONCERT AND THE OPERA
+
+
+      In order to listen to music intelligently—or what is really much
+      more important—in order to give the appearance of listening to
+      music intelligently, it is necessary for the novice to master
+      thoroughly two fundamental facts.
+
+      The first, and most important of these, is that the letter “w” in
+      Russian is pronounced like “v”; the second, that Rachmaninoff has
+      a daughter at Vassar.
+
+      Not very difficult, surely—but it is remarkable how much
+      enjoyment one can get out of music by the simple use of these two
+      formulas. With a little practise in their use, the veriest tyro
+      can bewilder her escort even though she be herself so musically
+      uninformed as to think that the celeste is only used in
+      connection with _Aïda_, or that a minor triad is perhaps a young
+      wood nymph.
+
+      One other important fundamental is that enthusiasm should never
+      be expressed for any music written after 1870; by a careful
+      observance of this rule one will constantly experience that
+      delightful satisfaction which comes with finding one’s opinions
+      shared by the music critics in the daily press.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Chivalry or the Instinct of Self-Preservation? A Fine Point _The young
+lady in the picture has just laid out a perfect drive. She had,
+unfortunately, neglected to wait until the gentleman playing ahead of
+her had progressed more than fifteen yards down the fairway, and her
+ball, traveling at a velocity of 1675 f.s., has caught the gentleman
+squarely in the half-pint bottle. What mistake, if any, is the
+gentleman making in chasing her off the course with his niblick, if we
+assume that she called “Fore!” when the ball had attained to within
+three feet of the gentleman?_
+
+[Illustration]
+
+An Inexperienced “Gun” _You will exclaim, no doubt, on looking at the
+scene depicted above, “Cherchez la femme.” It is, however, nothing so
+serious as you will pardonably suppose. The gentleman is merely an
+inexperienced “gun” at a shooting-party, who has begun following his
+bird before it has risen above the head of his loader. This very clumsy
+violation of the etiquette of sport proves, beyond the shadow of a
+doubt, that he has learned to shoot from the comic papers, and that his
+coat-of-arms can never again be looked upon as anything but bogus._
+
+      LISTENING TO A SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA
+
+      The first thing to do on arriving at a symphony concert is to
+      express the wish that the orchestra will play Beethoven’s Fifth.
+      If your companion then says “Fifth what?” you are safe with him
+      for the rest of the evening; no metal can touch you. If, however,
+      he says “So do I”—this is a danger signal and he may require
+      careful handling.
+
+      The next step is a glance at the program. If your escort is quite
+      good looking and worth cultivating, the obvious remark is “Oh
+      dear—not a very interesting program, to-night. But George—_look_
+      at what they are playing next Thursday! My, I wish—.” If George
+      shies at this, it can be tried again later—say during an
+      “appassionato” passage for the violins and cellos.
+
+      As soon as the music starts, all your attention should be
+      directed toward discovering someone who is making a
+      noise—whispering or coughing; having once located such a
+      creature, you should immediately “sh-sh” him. Should he continue
+      the offence, a severe frown must accompany the next “sh-sh,” a
+      lorgnette—if available—adding great effectiveness to the rebuke.
+      This will win you the gratitude of your neighbors and serve to
+      establish your position socially, as well as musically—for
+      perfect “sh-shers” do not come from the lower classes.
+
+      At the conclusion of the first number the proper remark is
+      “hmmm,” accompanied by a slow shake of the head. After this you
+      may use any one of a number of remarks, as for example, “Well, I
+      suppose Mendelssohn appeals to a great many people,” or “That was
+      meaningless enough to have been written by a Russian.” This
+      latter is to be preferred, for it leads your companion to say,
+      “But don’t you like TschaiKOWsky?”, pronouncing the second
+      syllable as if the composer were a female bull. You can then
+      reply, “Why, yes, TschaiKOFFsky _did_ write some rather good
+      music—although it’s all neurotic and obviously Teutonic.” Don’t
+      fail to stress the “v.”
+
+      The next number on the program will probably be the soloist—say,
+      a coloratura soprano. Your first remark should be that you don’t
+      really care for the human voice—the reason being, of course, that
+      symphonic Music, ABSOLUTE music, has spoiled you for things like
+      vocal gymnastics. This leads your bewildered friend to ask you
+      what sort of soloist you prefer.
+
+      Ans.—Why, a piano concerto, of course.
+
+      Ques.—And who is your favorite pianist?
+
+      Ans.—Rachmaninoff. And then, before the boy has time to breathe
+      —SHOOT! _“Did you knoow that he has a daughter at Vassar?”_
+
+      Although not necessary, it might be well to finish off the poor
+      fellow at the end of the concert with one or two well placed
+      depth bombs. My own particular favorite for this is the
+      following, accompanied by a low sigh: “After all—Beethoven IS
+      Beethoven.”
+
+      CORRECT BEHAVIOR AT A PIANO RECITAL
+
+      The same procedure is recommended for the piano or violin
+      recital, with the possible addition of certain phrases such as
+      “Yes—of course, she has technique—but, my dear, so has an
+      electric piano.” This remark gives you a splendid opportunity for
+      sarcasm at the expense of Mr. Duo-Art and other manufacturers of
+      mere mechanical perfection; the word “soul”—pronounced with deep
+      feeling, as when repeating a fish order to a stupid waiter—may be
+      introduced effectively several times.
+
+      The program at these recitals is likely to be more complex than
+      that at a symphony concert. This is a distinct advantage, for it
+      gives you a splendid opportunity to catch some wretch applauding
+      before the music is really finished. Nothing is quite comparable
+      to the satisfaction of smiling knowingly at your neighbors when
+      this _faux pas_ is committed, unless it be the joy of being the
+      first to applaud at the _real_ conclusion. This latter course,
+      however, is fraught with danger for the beginner; the chances for
+      errors in judgment are many, and the only sure way to avoid
+      anachronistic applause is to play the safe game and refrain
+      altogether from any expression of approval—a procedure which is
+      heartily recommended for the musically ignorant, it being also
+      the practise among the majority of the critics.
+
+      IN A BOX AT THE OPERA
+
+      The opera differs from the symphony concert, or piano recital, in
+      the same way that the army drill command of “At Ease!” differs
+      from “Rest!” When one of these orders (I never could remember
+      which is given to a battalion in formation), it signifies that
+      talking is permitted; opera, of course, corresponds to that
+      command.
+
+      Before the invention of the phonograph it was often necessary for
+      the opera goer to pay some attention to the performance—at least
+      while certain favorite arias were being sung; this handicap to
+      the enjoyment of opera has now fortunately been overcome and one
+      can devote one’s entire attention to other more important things,
+      safe in one’s knowledge that one has Galli-Curci at home on the
+      Vic.
+
+      In order really to get the most out of an opera a great deal of
+      study and preparation is required in advance; I have not space at
+      this time to cover these preliminaries thoroughly, but would
+      recommend to the earnest student such supplemental information as
+      can be obtained from Lady Duff-Gordon, or Messrs. Tiffany, Técla
+      and Pinaud.
+
+      Upon entering one’s box the true opera lover at once assumes a
+      musical attitude; this should be practised at home, by my lady,
+      before a mirror until she is absolutely sure that the shoulders
+      and back can be seen from any part of the house. Then, with the
+      aid of a pair of strong opera glasses, she may proceed to
+      scrutinize carefully the occupants of the boxes—noting carefully
+      any irregular features. Technical phraseology, useful in this
+      connection, includes “unearthly creature,” “stray leopard” or,
+      simply, “that person.”
+
+      Your two magical formulas—the Russian “w” and the sad story about
+      Rachmaninoff’s daughter—may, of course, be held in reserve—but
+      the chances are that you will be unable to use them, for during
+      an evening at the opera there will probably be no mention of
+      music.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER FIVE: ETIQUETTE FOR DRY AGENTS
+
+
+      SOME BROADER ASPECTS OF PROHIBITION
+
+      In spite of the great pride and joy which we Americans feel over
+      the success of National Prohibition; in spite of the universal
+      popularity of the act and the method of its enforcement; in spite
+      of the fact that it is now almost impossible to obtain in any of
+      our ex-saloons anything in the least resembling whiskey or
+      gin,—there still remains the distressing suspicion that quite
+      possibly, at some of the dinner parties and dances of our more
+      socially prominent people, liquor—or its equivalent—is openly
+      being served. Dry agents have, of course, tried on several
+      occasions to verify this suspicion; their praiseworthy efforts
+      have met, for the most part, with scant success.
+
+      The main difficulty has been, I believe, that the average dry
+      agent is too little versed in the customs and manners of polite
+      society. It is lamentably true that, too often, has a carefully
+      planned society dry raid been spoiled because the host noticed
+      that one of his guests was wearing white socks with a black tie,
+      or that the intruder was using his dessert spoon on the hors
+      d’œuvres.
+
+      The solution of this difficulty lies, of course, in the gradual
+      procuring of a better class of dry agent. There are signs
+      (though, unfortunately, in the wrong direction) that some of our
+      younger college generation are already casting envious eyes
+      toward the rich rewards, the social opportunities and the
+      exciting life of the professional bootlegger.
+
+      It might be well to interest some of these promising youngsters
+      in the no less exciting occupation of National Prohibition
+      Enforcement Officer. At present the chief difficulty seems to lie
+      in the fact that, in our preparatory schools and colleges, a
+      young man acquires a certain code of honor which causes him to
+      look with distaste on what he calls pussyfooting and sneaking.
+
+      People too often forget that, in order to make effective such a
+      universally beneficent law, any means are justified. It will be,
+      I hope, only a matter of years before this distrust of the
+      “sneak” will have died out, and the Dry Agent will come to be
+      regarded with the reverence and respect due to one who devotes
+      his life to the altruistic investigation of his neighbor’s
+      affairs.
+
+      THE COLLEGE GRADUATE AS DRY AGENT
+
+      Then, too, many young college men are deterred from becoming Dry
+      Agents by thinking of the comparative scantiness of the monetary
+      rewards. This difficulty is only an imaginary one—for, luckily,
+      as soon as a man’s code of honor has been elevated to the extent
+      that it permits him to take up a career of pussy-footing there is
+      generally eliminated at the same time any objection he might have
+      to what is often called bribery. Thus, by a fortunate combination
+      of circumstances, a Dry Agent is enabled to serve mankind and, at
+      the same time, greatly increase his own personal fortune.
+
+      But we cannot wait until our college graduates come to regard
+      pussyfooting as a career. We must do what we can with the
+      material at our disposal. We must in some way educate our present
+      Dry Agents so that they can go to any function in polite society
+      and remain as inconspicuous and as completely disregarded as the
+      host. As a first step in such a social training I offer the
+      following suggestions, in the hope that before long no function
+      will be complete without the presence of four or five correctly
+      dressed National Prohibition Enforcement Officers, ready and
+      eager to arrest the host and hostess and all the guests on the
+      slightest provocation.
+
+      PLANNING A DRY RAID ON A MASQUERADE BALL
+
+      Let us suppose, for example, that you are a Dry Agent and that
+      your name is Isador Eisenberg, and, one day, you and your chief
+      are sitting around the Dry Agent’s Club and he says to you,
+      “Izzy—I see by the paper that there’s a swell society masquerade
+      ball to be given by the younger married set tomorrow night at the
+      Glen Cove Country Club. Take your squad to cover it.” At this
+      point you doubtless say, “Chief, I’m afraid I can’t use my squad.
+      My men have been disguised as trained seals all this week, and
+      tomorrow night, they are to raid all the actresses’ dressing
+      rooms at the Hippodrome” and then the Chief says, “Well, Izzy,
+      you’ll have to rent a costume and pull off the raid all by
+      yourself.”
+
+      A WORD ABOUT CORRECT COSTUMES
+
+      Your first concern should be, of course, your costume. If you
+      have a high voice (although really there is no reason for
+      supposing that all Dry Agents have high voices), you might well
+      attend the masquerade disguised as a lady. One of the neatest
+      and, on the whole, most satisfactory of ladies’ disguises is that
+      of Cleopatra. Cleopatra, as you know, was once Queen of Egypt and
+      the costume is quite simple and attractive. It may be, however,
+      that you would prefer to appear as a modern rather than an
+      ancient queen. A modern Queen (if one may judge from the
+      illustrated foreign periodicals) always wears a plain suit and
+      carries a tightly rolled umbrella. Should you care to attend the
+      masquerade as an allegorical figure—say “2000 Years of
+      Progress”—you might wear the Cleopatra costume and carry the
+      umbrella. Or you might go attired as some other less prominent
+      member of the nobility—for instance, Lady Dartmouth, whose
+      delightful costume is more or less featured in the advertising on
+      our better class subways and street cars, and can be obtained at
+      a comparatively small cost at any reliable dry goods store.
+
+      Should you, however, feel that you would be more at ease in a
+      male costume, there are several suggestions which might cleverly
+      conceal your real identity. You might, for example, attend the
+      ball as Jurgen—a costume which would assure you a pleasurable
+      evening and many pleasing acquaintances. You might, with equal
+      satisfaction, go as an Indian.
+
+      It occurs to me that it might even be a clever move to attend the
+      party dressed as a Dry Agent. All suspicion would be instantly
+      lost in the uproar of laughter which would greet your
+      announcement of your disguise; many men would probably so far
+      enter into the spirit of the joke as to offer you drinks from
+      their flasks, and much valuable evidence could be obtained in
+      this way. And the costume is quite easy—simply wear a pleated
+      soft-bosom dress shirt with your evening dress, and tuck the ends
+      of your black tie under your collar.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Packets of Old Letters Make Acceptable Wedding Gifts _Packets of old
+letters, bits of verse, locks of hair, pressed flowers, inscribed
+books, photographs, etc., all make acceptable wedding gifts. By telling
+you whether they should be presented to the Bride or to the Groom_
+PERFECT BEHAVIOR _has, we feel, settled the question of future
+happiness in many a new-made home._
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Correct Methods of Using Table Hardware _You are, let us say, one of
+the Ushers attending the Bachelor Dinner. You are handed a bottle of
+Chateau Lafitte ’69. Can you select, from the diagram above, the proper
+implement to use in getting at its contents? The correct methods of
+choosing and using table hardware are explained in_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+It Is Sometimes Best to Be Frank _The young couple in the picture are
+trying to word a plausible letter of regret in answer to an invitation
+to a house-party. Had they consulted their_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR _they
+would have known that there is no plausible excuse for not accepting
+any invitation whatever, and that the simplest and most dignified,
+method is to write the attached model letter._
+
+      GOOD FORM FOR DRY AGENTS DURING A RAID
+
+      After the costume, you should arrange to obtain a mask and a
+      breath. The former is, of course, for the purpose of hiding your
+      identity; the latter is essential at any party where you wish to
+      remain inconspicuous. A good whisky breath can usually be
+      obtained from a bottle of any of the better known brands of
+      Scotch or Rye whisky by holding a small quantity of the liquor in
+      the mouth for a short period of time. It is not, of course,
+      necessary to swallow the liquor and in this connection I would
+      suggest that you use only the best grade whisky, for there are at
+      present being manufactured for domestic consumption several
+      brands which, if held in the mouth for a longer interval than,
+      say, three seconds, are apt to eat away the tongue or dissolve
+      several of your more important teeth.
+
+      On the night of the party, therefore, having donned your Dry
+      Agent costume, having put on your mask, having secured a good
+      breath—you jump into a taxicab and drive to the Glen Cove Country
+      Club. And, as you enter the door of the club, some girl, dressed,
+      probably, as Martha Washington, will run up and kiss you. This is
+      not because she thinks you are George Washington; it is because
+      she drank that eighth Bronx cocktail at dinner.
+
+      And right at this point is where most Dry Agents have displayed
+      their ignorance of the usages of polite society, for most of them
+      are wofully ignorant of the correct way to handle such a
+      situation. Your average Dry Agent, not being accustomed to the
+      ways of Younger Marrieds, is often confused upon being
+      unexpectedly kissed, and in his confusion betrays his unfortunate
+      lack of social training.
+
+      The correct way to meet the above situation is based on the
+      fundamental rule of all social etiquette—common sense. Return the
+      lady’s kiss in an easy, natural manner and pass on. If she
+      follows you, lead her at once to a quiet unoccupied corner of the
+      club and knock her over the head with a chair or some other
+      convenient implement. It has been found that this is the only
+      effective way to deal with this type of woman and it is really
+      only a kindness to her and her husband to keep her from
+      embarrassing you with her attentions during the rest of the
+      evening.
+
+      After you have removed your coat, you should go to the ball room
+      where you will find the dance in full swing—full being of course
+      used in its common or alcoholic sense. Take your place in the
+      stag line and don’t, under any circumstances, allow anyone to
+      induce you to cut in on any of the dancers. In the first place,
+      you won’t be able to dance because Dry Agents, like Englishmen,
+      never can; secondly, if you _try_ to dance, you are taking the
+      enormous chance, especially at a masquerade, that the man who
+      introduced you to your partner will disappear for the rest of the
+      evening, leaving you with Somebody’s Albatross hanging around
+      your neck. And, of all Albatrosses, the married one is perhaps
+      farthest South—especially if she happens to be a little tight and
+      wants to talk about her husband and children.
+
+      Your policy, therefore, should be one of complete
+      non-partisanship. If you do not dance, do not let yourself be
+      drawn into conversation, and do not, above all things, show any
+      consideration for the host or hostess. By closely observing the
+      actions of the men and women about you, by wandering down into
+      the club bar, by peeking into the automobiles parked outside the
+      club, you will probably be able to obtain sufficient evidence of
+      the presence of alcohol to justify a raid. And then, when you
+      have raided the Glen Cove Country Club, you can turn your
+      attention to the 12,635,439 other clubs and private houses where
+      the same thing is going on. And, if Mr. Volstead has a dress
+      suit, you might take him with you, and show him just how
+      beautifully Prohibition is working and how enthusiastic the
+      better classes of American society are about it.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER SIX: A CHAPTER FOR SCHOOLGIRLS
+
+
+      Every Fall a larger number of young girls leave home to come East
+      to the various Finishing Schools in this section of the country.
+      For the benefit of those who are making this trip for the first
+      time, we outline a few of the more important points in connection
+      with the preliminaries to the trip East, together with minute
+      instructions as to the journey itself.
+
+      SELECTING A PROPER SCHOOL
+
+      This is, of course, mainly a parent’s problem and is best solved
+      by resorting to the following formula: Let A and B represent two
+      young girls’ finishing schools in the East. Mrs. Raleigh-Jones
+      (X), from the West, sends her daughter to A; Mrs. Borax (Y), from
+      the same city, sends her daughter to B. Upon consulting the local
+      social register, it is found that Mr. Raleigh-Jones is a member
+      of the Union, Colonial, Town and Country, and Valley Hunt Clubs;
+      upon consulting the telephone directory it is found that the
+      Boraxes live at 1217 S. Main Street, and that Mr. Borax is an
+      undertaker. Shall Mrs. F. B. Gerald (Z) send her daughter Annette
+      to A or to B, and why?
+
+      Answer: A, because life is real, life is earnest, and the grave
+      is not its goal.
+
+      CORRECT EQUIPMENT FOR THE SCHOOLGIRL
+
+      Having selected an educational institution, the next requisite is
+      a suitable equipment. Girls who live in other parts of the United
+      States are often surprised to discover that the clothes which
+      they have purchased at the best store in their home town are
+      totally unsuited for the rough climate of the East. I would,
+      therefore, recommend the following list, subject, of course, to
+      variation in individual cases.
+
+     1 Dress, chine, crepe de, pink, for dancing.
+     1 Dress, chine, crepe de, pink, for petting.
+     1 Dress, Swiss, Dotted, blue, or
+     1 Dress, Swiss, undotted, white.
+     15 yards Tulle, best quality, pink.
+     4 bottles perfume, domestic, or
+     1 bottle, perfume, French.
+     12 Dozen Dorine, men’s pocket size.
+     6 Soles, cami, assorted.
+     1 Brassiere, or riding habit.
+     100 boxes aspirin, for dances and house-parties.
+     1 wave, permanent, for conversation.
+     24 waves, temporary.
+     10,000 nets, hair.
+     100,000 pins, hair.
+     1 bottle Quelques Fleurs, for knockout.
+
+      EN ROUTE
+
+      After the purchase of a complete outfit, it will be necessary to
+      say goodbye to one’s local friends. Partings are always somewhat
+      sad, but it will be found that much simple pleasure may be
+      derived from the last nights with the various boys to whom one is
+      engaged.
+
+      In this connection, however, it would be well to avoid making any
+      rash statements regarding undying friendship and affection,
+      because, when you next see Eddie or Walter, at Christmas time,
+      you will have been three months in the East, while they have been
+      at the State University, and really, after one starts dancing
+      with Yale men—well, it’s a funny world.
+
+      In case you do not happen to meet any friends on the train, the
+      surest way to protect yourself from any unwelcome advances is to
+      buy a copy of the _Atlantic Monthly_ and carry it, in plain view.
+      Next to a hare lip, this is the safest protection for a
+      travelling young girl that I know of; it has, however, the one
+      objection that all the old ladies on the train are likely to tell
+      you what they think of Katherine Fullerton Gerould, or their
+      rheumatism.
+
+      If you are compelled to go to the dining car alone, you will
+      probably sit beside an Elk with white socks, who will call the
+      waiter “George.” Along about the second course he will say to
+      you, “It’s warm for September, isn’t it?” to which you should
+      answer “No.” That will dispose of the Elk.
+
+      Across the table from you will be a Grand Army man and his wife,
+      going to visit their boy Elmer’s wife’s folks in Schenectady.
+      When the fish is served, the Grand Army man will choke on a bone.
+      Let him choke, but do not be too hopeful, as the chances are that
+      he will dislodge the bone. All will go well until the dessert,
+      when his wife will begin telling how raspberry sherbet always
+      disagrees with her. Offer her your raspberry sherbet.
+
+      After dinner you may wish to read for a while, but the porter
+      will probably have made up all the berths for the night. It will
+      also be found that the light in your berth does not work, so you
+      will be awake for a long time; finally, just as you are leaving
+      Buffalo, you will at last get to sleep, and when you open your
+      eyes again, you will be—in Buffalo.
+
+      There will be two more awakenings that night—once at Batavia,
+      where a merry wedding party with horns and cow bells will follow
+      the lucky bride and groom into your car, and once at Schenectady,
+      where the Pullman car shock-absorbing tests are held. The next
+      morning, tired but unhappy, you will reach New York.
+
+      A JOURNEY AROUND NEW YORK
+
+      _The Aquarium_. Take Fifth Avenue Bus to Times Square. Transfer
+      to 42nd Street Crosstown. Get off at 44th Street, and walk one
+      block south to the Biltmore. The most interesting fish will be
+      found underneath the hanging clock, near the telephone booths.
+
+      _Grant’s Tomb_. Take Fifth Avenue bus, and a light lunch. Change
+      at Washington Square to a blue serge or dotted Swiss. Ride to the
+      end of the line, and walk three blocks east. Then return the same
+      way you came, followed by three fast sets of tennis, a light
+      supper and early to bed. If you do not feel better in the
+      morning, cut out milk, fresh fruit and uncooked foods for a
+      while.
+
+      _Metropolitan Museum of Art_. Take Subway to Brooklyn.
+      (Flatbush.) Then ask the subway guard where to go; he will tell
+      you.
+
+      _The Bronx_. Take three oranges, a lemon, three of gin, to one of
+      vermouth, with a dash of bitters. Serve cold.
+
+      _The Ritz_. Take taxicab and fifty dollars. If you have only
+      fifty dollars the filet of sole Marguéry is very good.
+
+      _Brooklyn Bridge_. Terrible. And their auction is worse.
+
+      When you have visited all these places, it will probably be time
+      to take the train to your school.
+
+      THE FIRST DAYS IN THE NEW SCHOOL
+
+      The first week of school life is apt to be quite discouraging,
+      and we can not too emphatically warn the young girl not to do
+      anything rash under the influence of homesickness. It is in this
+      initial period that many girls, feeling utterly alone and
+      friendless, write those letters to boys back home which are later
+      so difficult to pass off with a laugh. It is during this first
+      attack of homesickness also that many girls, in their loneliness,
+      recklessly accept the friendship of other strange girls, only to
+      find out later that their new acquaintance’s mother was a Miss
+      Gundlefinger of Council Bluffs, or that she lives on the south
+      side of Chicago. We advise: Go slow at first.
+
+      BECOMING ACCLIMATIZED
+
+      In your first day at school you will be shown your room; in your
+      room you will find a sad-eyed fat girl. You will be told that
+      this will be your room mate for the year. You will find that you
+      have drawn a blank, that she comes from Topeka, Kan., that her
+      paw made his money in oil, and that she is religious. You will be
+      nice to her for the first week, because you aren’t taking any
+      chances at the start; you will tolerate her for the rest of the
+      year, because she will do your lessons for you every night.
+
+      Across the hall from you there will be two older girls who are
+      back for their second year. One of them will remind you of the
+      angel painted on the ceiling of the Victory Theatre back home,
+      until she starts telling about her summer at Narragansett; from
+      the other you will learn how to inhale.
+
+      A VISITOR FROM PRINCETON
+
+      About the middle of the first term your cousin Charley Waldron,
+      that freshman at Princeton, will write and say that he would like
+      to come up and see you. You go to Miss French and ask her if you
+      can have your cousin visit you. She sniffs at the “cousin” and
+      tell’s you that she must have a letter from Charley’s father, one
+      from Charley’s minister, one from the governor of your state, and
+      one from some disinterested party certifying that Charley has
+      never been in the penitentiary, has never committed arson, and is
+      a legitimate child. After you have secured these letters, Miss
+      French will tell you that Charley will be allowed to see you next
+      Saturday from four till five.
+
+      Charley will come and will be ushered into the reception room.
+      While he is sitting there alone, the entire school will walk
+      slowly, one by one, past the open door and look in at him. This
+      will cause Charley to perspire freely and to wish to God he had
+      worn his dark suit.
+
+      It is not at all likely that you will be allowed to go to New
+      Haven during your first year, which is quite a pity, as this
+      city, founded in 1638, is rich in historical interest. It was
+      here, for example, in 1893, that Yale defeated Harvard at
+      football, and the historic Pigskin which was used that day is
+      still preserved intact. Many other quaint relics are to be seen
+      in and around the city of elms, mementos of the past which bring
+      to the younger generation a knowledge and respect for things
+      gone. In the month of June, for example, there is really nothing
+      which quite conjures up for the college youth of today a sense of
+      the mutability and impermanence of this mortal life so much as
+      the sight of a member of the class of 1875 after three days’
+      intensive drinking. _Eheu fugaces!_
+
+[Illustration]
+
+“Who Shall Write First?” _“Who shall write first?” is a question that
+has perplexed many a lady or gentleman who is anxious to do the correct
+thing under any circumstances. A lady who has left town may send a
+brief note or a “P. P. C.” (“pour prendre congé,” i.e., “to take
+leave”) card to a gentleman who remains at home, if the gentleman is
+her husband and if she has left town with his business partner. Neither
+the note nor the card requires an acknowledgment, but many a husband
+takes pleasure in penning his congratulations to the lady, concluding
+with an expression of gratitude to his friend._
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER SEVEN: THE ETIQUETTE OF GAMES AND SPORTS
+
+
+      GOLF AS A PASTIME
+
+      “Golf” (from an old Scottish word meaning “golf”) is becoming
+      increasingly popular in the United States, and almost every city
+      now has at least one private club devoted to the pursuit of this
+      stylish pastime. Indeed, in many of our larger metropolises, the
+      popular enthusiasm has reached such heights that free “public”
+      courses have been provided for the citizens with, I may say,
+      somewhat laughable results, as witness the fact that I myself
+      have often seen persons playing on these “public” courses in
+      ordinary shirts and trousers, tennis shoes, and _suspenders_.
+
+      The influence of this “democratization” on the etiquette of what
+      was once an exclusive sport has been, in many instances,
+      deplorable, and I am sure that our golf-playing forefathers would
+      turn over in their graves were they to “play around” today on one
+      of the “public” courses. In no pastime are the customs and
+      unwritten laws more clearly defined, and it is essential that the
+      young lady or gentleman of fashion who contemplates an afternoon
+      on the “links” devote considerable time and attention to the
+      various niceties of the etiquette of this ancient and honorable
+      game.
+
+      A young man, for example, when playing with his employer, should
+      always take pains to let his employer win. This is sometimes
+      extremely difficult, but with practice even the most stubborn of
+      obstacles can be overcome. On the first tee, for instance, after
+      the employer, having swung and missed the ball completely one or
+      two times, has managed to drive a distance of some forty-nine
+      yards to the extreme right, the young man should take care to
+      miss the ball completely _three_ times, and then drive
+      forty-eight yards to the extreme left. This is generally done by
+      closing the eyes tightly and rising up sharply on both toes just
+      before hitting the ball.
+
+      On the “greens” it is customary for a young man to “concede” his
+      employer every “putt” which is within twenty feet of the hole. If
+      the employer insists on “putting” [Ed. note:—He won’t] and
+      misses, the young man should take care to miss his own “putt.”
+      After both have “holed out,” the young man should ask, “how many
+      strokes, sir?” The employer will reply, “Let me see—I think I
+      took seven for this hole, didn’t I?” A well-bred young man will
+      not under any circumstances remind his employer that he saw him
+      use at least three strokes for the drive, three strokes for his
+      second shot, four strokes in the “rough,” seven strokes in the
+      “bunker,” and three “putts” on the “green,” but will at once
+      reply, “No, sir, I think you only took six, altogether.” The
+      employer will then say, “Well, well, call it six. I generally get
+      five on this hole. What did you take?” The young man should then
+      laugh cheerily and reply, “Oh, I took my customary seven.” To
+      which the employer will sympathetically say, “Too bad!”
+
+      After the employer has thus won his first three holes he will
+      begin to offer the young man advice on how to improve his game.
+      This is perhaps the most trying part of the afternoon’s sport,
+      but a young man of correct breeding and good taste will always
+      remember the respect due an older man, and will not make the
+      vulgar error of telling his employer for God’s sake shut up
+      before he gets a brassie in his———— ear.
+
+      A wife playing with her husband should do everything in her power
+      to make the game enjoyable for the latter. She should encourage
+      him, when possible, with little cheering proverbs, such as, “If
+      at first you don’t succeed, try, try again,” and she should aid
+      him with her advice when she thinks he is in need of it. Thus,
+      when he drives into the sycamore tree on number eleven, she
+      should say, “Don’t you think, dear, that if you aimed a little
+      bit more to the right....” et cetera. When they come to number
+      fourteen, and his second shot lands in the middle of the lake,
+      she should remark, “Perhaps you didn’t hit it hard enough, dear.”
+      And when, on the eighteenth, his approach goes through the
+      second-story window of the club-house, she should say, “Dear, I
+      wonder if you didn’t hit that too hard?” Such a wife is a true
+      helpmate, and not merely a pretty ornament on which a silly
+      husband can hang expensive clothes, and if he is the right sort
+      of man, he will appreciate this, and refrain from striking her
+      with a niblick after this last remark.
+
+      A young wife who does not play the game herself can,
+      nevertheless, be of great help to her husband by listening
+      patiently, night after night, while he tells her how he drove the
+      green on number three, and took a four on number eight (Par
+      five), and came up to the fourteenth one under fours. Caddies
+      should be treated at all times with the respect and pity due
+      one’s fellow creatures who are “unfortunate.” The sins of the
+      fathers are visited upon the children, and one should always
+      remember that it is not, after all, the poor caddy’s fault that
+      he was born blind.
+
+      AN AFTERNOON AT THE OLD FARM WITH THE DICE
+
+      “Craps” is a game played with dice, which is often popular in the
+      men’s coat and smoking-rooms before and during formal receptions,
+      balls, recitals, etcetera. It should not be imagined, however,
+      that “craps” is a sport for men only; on the contrary, smart
+      women are enthusiastically taking up this sport in numerous
+      localities, and many an affair which started as a dinner party or
+      a musicale has ended in a crap game, with all the guests seated
+      in an excited circle on the floor, contributing to the host’s
+      efforts to make expenses for the evening.
+
+      It is in connection with these “mixed” games, however, that most
+      of the more serious questions of “craps” etiquette arise. If, for
+      example, you are a young man desirous of “shooting craps” with
+      your grandmother, the correct way of indicating your desire when
+      you meet the old lady in a public place is for you to remove your
+      hat deferentially and say “Shoot a nickel, Grandmother?” If she
+      wishes to play she will reply “Shoot, boy!” and you should then
+      select some spot suitable for the game and assist her, if she
+      wishes your aid, to kneel on the ground. It might be an added
+      mark of gentility to offer her your handkerchief or coat upon
+      which to rest her knees.
+
+      You should then take out the dice and “shoot.” Your grandmother
+      will look at your “throw” and say, “Oh, boy! He fives—he fives—a
+      three and a two—never make a five—come on, you baby seven!” You
+      should then take up the dice again and shake them in your right
+      hand while your grandmother chants, “A four and a three—a four
+      and a two—dicety dice, and an old black joe—come on, you SEVEN!”
+      You should then again “shoot.” This time, as you have thrown a
+      six and a one, your grandmother will then exclaim, “He sevens—the
+      boy sevens—come on to grandmother, dice—talk to the nice old
+      lady—Phoebe for grandma, dice, for grandpa needs a new pair of
+      shoes—shoot a dime!”
+
+      She will then “throw,” and so the game will go on until the old
+      lady evidences a desire to stop, or, possibly, until either you
+      or she are “cleaned out.” In this latter case, however, it would
+      be a customary act of courtesy towards an older person for you to
+      offer to shoot your grandmother for her shawl or her side combs,
+      thus giving her several more chances to win back the money she
+      has lost. It should be recommended that young men never make a
+      mistake in going a little out of their way on occasion to make
+      life more pleasant and agreeable for the aged.
+
+      CORRECT BEHAVIOR ON A PICNIC
+
+      There often comes a time in the life of the members of “society”
+      when they grow a little weary of the ceaseless round of teas,
+      balls and dinners, and for such I would not hesitate to recommend
+      a “picnic.”
+
+      A day spent in the “open,” with the blue sky over one’s head, is
+      indeed a splendid tonic for jaded nerves. But one should not make
+      the mistake of thinking that because he (or she) is “roughing it”
+      for a day, he (or she) can therefore leave behind his (or her)
+      “manners,” for such is not the case. There is a distinct
+      etiquette for picnics, and any one who disregards this fact is
+      apt to find to his (or her) sorrow that the “shoe” in this case
+      is decidedly “on the other foot.”
+
+      A young man, for example, is often asked by a young lady to
+      accompany her on a “family picnic.” To this invitation he should,
+      after some consideration, reply either “Yes” or “No,” and if the
+      former, he should present himself at the young lady’s house
+      promptly on the day set for the affair (usually Sunday).
+
+      A “family picnic” generally consists of a Buick, a father, a
+      mother, a daughter, a small son, beef loaf, lettuce sandwiches, a
+      young man (you), two blow-outs, one spare tire, and Aunt
+      Florence.
+
+      The father drives with his small boy beside him; in the rear are
+      the mother, the daughter, Aunt Florence, the thermos bottles, the
+      lunch baskets and you. As you take your seat you must remember
+      that it is a distinct evidence of bad breeding to show in any way
+      that you are conscious of the fact that the car has been standing
+      for the last hour and forty-four minutes in the hot July sun.
+
+      “We’re off!” cries father, pressing his foot on the self-starting
+      pedal. Thirty minutes later you roll away from the curb and the
+      picnic has begun. The intervening time has, of course, been
+      profitably spent by you in walking to the nearest garage for two
+      new sparkplugs.
+
+      It should be your duty, as guest, to see that the conversation in
+      the rear seat is not allowed to lag. “It’s a great day,” you
+      remark, as the car speeds along. “I think it’s going to rain,”
+      replies Aunt Florence. “Not too fast, Will!” says mother.
+      “Mother!” says the daughter.
+
+      Ten minutes later you should again remark, “My, what a wonderful
+      day!” “Those clouds are gathering in the west,” says Aunt
+      Florence, “I think we had better put the top up.” “I think this
+      is the wrong road,” says mother.
+
+      “Dear, I know what I’m doing,” replies father.
+
+      The secret of good conversation lies in discovering the “hobby”
+      of the person with whom one is conversing, and a good talker
+      always throws out several “feelers” in order to find out the
+      things in which his partner is most interested. You should,
+      therefore, next say to mother, “Don’t you think this is a
+      glorious day for a picnic?” to which she will reply, “Well, I’m
+      sure this is the wrong road. Hadn’t you better ask?” The husband
+      will answer nothing, but Aunt Florence will murmur, “I think I
+      felt a drop of rain, Will. If you don’t put the top up now, we’ll
+      all be drenched.”
+
+      The husband will then stop the car, and you and he will proceed
+      to put up the top. In doing this, it is customary for the guest
+      to get the second and third fingers of his right hand so severely
+      pinched that he can not use the hand for several days. As soon as
+      the top is up and the rain curtains are in place the sun will
+      come out and you can at once get out and put the top down, taking
+      care this time to ruin two fingers of the _left_ hand.
+
+      No good conversationalist confines himself exclusively to one
+      subject, and when you are once more “under way” you should remark
+      to the mother, “I think that motoring is great fun, don’t you,
+      Mrs. Caldwell?” Her answer will be, “I wish you wouldn’t drive so
+      fast!” You should then smile and say to Aunt Florence, “Don’t
+      _you_ think that motoring is great fun, Mrs. Lockwood?” As she is
+      about to reply, the left rear tire will blow out with a loud
+      noise and the car will come to a bumping stop.
+
+      The etiquette of changing a tire is fairly simple. As soon as the
+      “puncture” occurs one should at once remark, “Is there anything I
+      can do?” This request should be repeated from time to time,
+      always taking care, however, that no one takes it at all
+      seriously. The real duty of a young man who is a “guest” on a
+      motor trip on which a “blow-out” occurs is, of course, to keep
+      the ladies of the party amused during the delay. This can be
+      accomplished by any of the conventional methods, such as card
+      tricks, handsprings, and other feats of athletic agility, or
+      making funny jokes about the host who is at work on the tire.
+
+      When the damage has been repaired and the car is once more
+      speeding along, leaving behind it mile after mile of dusty road
+      as well as father’s best “jack” and set of tire tools, the small
+      boy will suddenly remark, “I’m hungry.” His father will then
+      reply, “We’ll be at a fine place to eat in ten minutes.” Thirty
+      minutes later mother will remark, “Will, that looks like a good
+      place for a picnic over there.” The father will reply, “No—we’re
+      coming to a wonderful place—just trust me, Mary!” Twenty minutes
+      later Aunt Florence will say, “Will, I think that grove over
+      there would be fine for our lunch,” to which the husband will
+      reply, “We’re almost at the place I know about—it’s ideal for a
+      picnic.” Forty minutes after this, father will stop the car and
+      point to a clump of trees. “There,” he will say, “what do you
+      think of that?” “Oh, we can’t eat _there!_” will be the answer of
+      mother, daughter and Aunt Florence. “Drive on a bit further—I
+      think I know a place.”
+
+      Three hours and thirty minutes later (i. e. four hours past your
+      normal lunch hour) there will be another puncture and as the car
+      stops beside a wheat field it will begin to rain, and the
+      daughter will sigh, “Well, we might as well eat here.” The
+      “picnic” will then be held in the car, and nothing really quite
+      carries one back to nature and primeval man as does warm lemonade
+      and a lettuce sandwich in a Buick with the top up and side
+      curtains on.
+
+      After lunch it will be time to return home, and after you and
+      father have ruined your clothes in repairing the punctures, the
+      merry party will proceed on its way. The next morning, if you
+      have not caught pneumonia, you will be able to go to your work
+      greatly refreshed by your day’s outing in the lap of old Mother
+      Nature.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Correct Negotiations for a Seat in the Subway _Nowhere is the etiquette
+of travel more abused than our subways. The gentleman shown above is en
+route to his fiancée’s flat in the Bronx. He has neglected to purchase
+the customary bouquet for his intended and has offered his seat to the
+lady, who is standing, in exchange for her corsage bouquet. Should she
+accept the proposition without further ado, or should she request the
+guard to introduce the gentleman first?_
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Old Fashioned Letter and Writers vs. Perfect Behavior _The young lady
+has received an invitation to a quilting-bee from a Mrs. Steenwyck and,
+anxious to make a correct reply, she has bought a Complete Letter
+Writer to aid her to this end. To her surprise and dismay, she finds
+that it contains three model replies to such an invitation beginning
+“Dear Mrs. Peartree,” “Dear Mrs. Rombouts,” and “Dear Mrs. Bevy,” and
+one invitation to a christening beginning, “Dear Mrs. Steenwyck,” but
+no reply to an invitation to a quilting-bee beginning “Dear Mrs.
+Steenwyck.”_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR _settles such perplexities._
+
+[Illustration]
+
+What to Avoid in Crests _Crests or other armorial bearings on notepaper
+are no longer considered absolutely necessary to establish one’s social
+position. Nevertheless, if one feels that note-paper that does not bear
+the family escutcheon is not quite all that note-paper should be, it is
+permissible to have it stamped neatly at the top of the first sheet.
+Care should be exercised to avoid selecting coats-of-arms that might be
+recognized, such as that of the United States or Great Britain. Rather
+solicit the taste of a good stationer than commit the blunders depicted
+above._
+
+      BOXING IN AMERICAN SOCIETY
+
+      Although many of America’s foremost boxers have been persons whom
+      one would not care to know socially, yet much fun and pleasure
+      can be had out of the “manly art” if practised in a gentlemanly
+      manner.
+
+      “Boxing parties” are generally held in the evening. The ballroom
+      of one’s home can be pleasantly decorated for the occasion, with
+      a square ring roped off in the centre surrounded by seats for the
+      ladies and gentlemen who come as invited guests. Evening dress is
+      usually worn.
+
+      The contests should be between various members of one’s social
+      “set” who are fond of the sport and can be counted on to remember
+      at all times that they are gentlemen.
+
+      The matches should be arranged in tournament form, so that the
+      winner of one bout meets the winner of the next bout, et cetera,
+      until all but two have been eliminated. The boxer who wins this
+      final contest shall be proclaimed the “champion.”
+
+      Great fun can then be had by announcing that the “champion” will
+      be permitted to box three rounds with a “masked marvel.” The
+      identity of this “unknown” (who is usually Jack Dempsey or some
+      other noted professional pugilist) should be kept carefully
+      secret, so that all the guests are in a glow of mystified
+      excitement when the contest begins, and you can imagine their
+      delight and happy enthusiasm when the “masked marvel” cleverly
+      knocks the “champion” for a double loop through the ropes into
+      the lap of some tittering “dowager.”
+
+      Refreshments should then be served and the “champion” can be
+      carried home in a car or ambulance provided by the thoughtful
+      host.
+
+      BRIDGE WHIST
+
+      “Bridge whist,” or “Bridge,” as it is often called by the younger
+      generation, is rapidly replacing whist as the favorite card game
+      of good society, and “bridge” parties are much _en vogue_ for
+      both afternoon and evening entertainments. In order to become an
+      expert “bridge” player one must, of course, spend many months and
+      even years in a study of the game, but any gentleman or lady of
+      average intelligence can, I believe, pick up the fundamentals of
+      “bridge” in a short while.
+
+      Let us suppose, for example, that you, as a “young man about
+      town,” are invited to play “bridge” on the evening of Friday,
+      November seventeenth, at the home of Mrs. Franklin Gregory. Now,
+      although you may have played the game only once or twice in your
+      life, it would never do to admit the fact, for in good society
+      one is supposed to play “bridge” just as one is supposed to hate
+      newspaper publicity, and on the evening of Friday, November
+      seventeenth, you should present yourself in suitable attire at
+      Mrs. Gregory’s home.
+
+      There you will find fifteen or twenty other guests, and after a
+      few minutes of light social banter a bell will ring and the
+      players will take their places. At your table will be Mrs. F.
+      Jamison Dollings (your partner) and Mr. and Mrs. Theodore Watts.
+      Mrs. Dollings (Sept. 6, 1880) is considered one of the most
+      expert “bridge” players in the city, while Mr. Watts has one of
+      the largest retail clothing stores in the central part of the
+      State. Mrs. Watts was one of the Van Cortlandt girls (the plain
+      one).
+
+      As you are probably (next to Mr. and Mrs. Watts) the worst
+      “bridge” player in the room it should be your duty to make up for
+      this deficiency by keeping the other three players
+      conversationally stimulated, for nothing so enlivens a game of
+      “bridge” as a young man or woman with a pleasing personality and
+      a gift for “small talk.” Thus, at the very beginning, after you
+      have finished dealing the cards, you should fill in what seems to
+      you an embarrassing pause by telling one of your cleverest
+      stories, at the conclusion of which Mrs. Dollings will remark,
+      “We are waiting for your bid, Mr. S——.”
+
+      The etiquette of “bidding,” as far as you are concerned, should
+      resolve itself into a consistent effort on your part to become
+      “dummy” for each and every game. The minute your partner (Mrs.
+      Dollings) bids anything, it should be your duty as a gentleman to
+      see that she gets it, no matter what the cost.
+
+      Thus, on the first hand, you “pass.” Mr. Watts then says, “Wait a
+      minute, till I get these cards fixed”; to which Mrs. Watts
+      replies, “Theodore, for Heaven’s sake, how long do you want?” Mr.
+      Watts then says, “Which is higher—clubs or hearts?” to which Mrs.
+      Watts replies, “Clubs.” Mrs. Dollings then says, “I beg your
+      pardon, but hearts have always been considered higher than
+      clubs.” Mrs. Watts says, “Oh, yes, of course,” and gives Mr.
+      Watts a mean look. Mr. Watts then says, “I bid—let’s see—I bid
+      two spades—no, two diamonds.” Mrs. Dollings quickly says, “Two
+      lilies,” Mr. Watts says, “What’s a lily?” to which Mrs. Watts
+      replies, “Theodore!” and then bids “Two spades,” at which Mrs.
+      Dollings says, “I beg your pardon, but I have just bid two
+      spades.” Mr. Watts then chuckles, and Mrs. Watts says (but not to
+      Mr. Watts), “I beg your pardon.” Mrs. Watts then bids “Three
+      spades,” at which you quickly say, “Four spades.”
+
+      This bid is not “raised.” Mrs. Dollings then says to you, “I am
+      counting on your spades to help me out,” at which you look at the
+      only spade in your hand (the three) and answer, “Ha! Ha! Ha!”
+      There is then a wait of four minutes, at the end of which Mrs.
+      Dollings wearily says, “It is your first lead, is it not, Mrs.
+      Watts?” Mrs. Watts then blushes, says, “Oh, I beg your pardon!”
+      and leads the four of hearts. You then lay down your “dummy”
+      hand. Before Mrs. Dollings has had time to discover just what you
+      have done to her, you should rise quickly and say, “Excuse me,
+      but I want to use the telephone a minute.” You should then go
+      into the next room and wait ten or fifteen minutes. When you
+      return Mrs. Dollings will have disappeared, Mrs. Watts will be
+      looking fixedly at Mr. Watts, and Mr. Watts will be saying,
+      “Well, it’s a silly game, anyway.”
+
+      You and Mr. and Mrs. Watts can then have a nice game of
+      twenty-five cent limit stud poker for the rest of the evening,
+      and it would certainly be considered a thoughtful and gracious
+      “gesture” if, during the next two or three weeks, you should call
+      occasionally at the hospital to see how Mrs. Dollings is “getting
+      on,” or you might even send some flowers or a nice potted plant.
+
+      FORMAL AND INFORMAL DRINKING
+
+      “Drinking” has, of course, always been a popular sport among the
+      members of the better classes of society, but never has the
+      enthusiasm for this pastime been so great in America as since the
+      advent of “prohibition.” Gentlemen and ladies who never before
+      cared much for “drinking” have now given up almost all other
+      amusements in favor of this fascinating sport; young men and
+      debutantes have become, in the last few years, fully as expert in
+      the game as their parents. In many cities “drinking” has become
+      more popular than “bridge” or dancing and it is predicted that,
+      with a few more years of “prohibition,” “drinking” will supersede
+      golf and baseball as the great American pastime.
+
+      The effect of this has been to change radically many of the
+      fundamental rules of the sport, and the influence on the
+      etiquette of the game has been no less marked. What was
+      considered “good form” in this pastime among our forefathers now
+      decidedly _démodé_, and the correct drinker of 1910 is as
+      obsolete and out of date in the present decade as the
+      “frock-coat.”
+
+      The game today is divided into (a) formal and (b) informal
+      drinking. “Formal drinking” is usually played after dinner and is
+      more and more coming to take the place of charades,
+      sleight-of-hand performances, magic lantern shows, “dumb crambo,”
+      et cetera, as the parlor amusement _par excellence_. “Formal
+      drinking” can be played by from one to fifteen people in a house
+      of ordinary dimensions; for a larger number it is generally
+      better to provide a garage, a large yard, and special police,
+      fire and plate glass insurance. The game is played with glasses,
+      ice, and a dozen bottles of either whisky or gin.
+
+      The sport is begun by the host’s wife, who says, “How would you
+      all like to play a little bridge?” This is followed by silence.
+      Another wife then says, “I think it would be awfully nice to play
+      a little bridge.” One of the men players then steps forward and
+      says “I think it would be awfully nice to have a little drink.”
+
+      An “It” is then selected—always, by courtesy, the host. The “It”
+      then says, “How would you all like to have a little drink?” The
+      men players then answer in the affirmative and the “It’s” wife
+      says, “Now Henry dear, please—remember what happened last time.”
+      The “It” replies, “Yes, dear,” and goes into the cellar, while
+      the “It’s” wife, after providing each guest with a glass, puts
+      away the Dresden china clock, the porcelain parrot. and the gold
+      fish globe.
+
+      Sides are chosen—usually with the husbands on one “team” and the
+      wives on the other. The purpose of the game is for the
+      “husbands’, team” to try to drink up all the “It’s” liquor before
+      the “wives’ team” can get them to go home.
+
+      When the “It” returns with the liquor he pours out a portion for
+      each player and at a given signal all drink steadily for several
+      minutes. The “It’s” wife then says, “Now—how about a few rubbers
+      of bridge?” She is immediately elected “team captain” for the
+      rest of the evening. It is the duty of the “team captain” to
+      provide cracked ice and water, to get ready the two spare
+      bedrooms, to hold Wallie Spencer’s hand, to keep Eddie Armstrong
+      from putting his lighted cigaret ends on the piano, and to break
+      up the party as soon as possible. The game generally ends when
+      (1) the liquor is all gone, (2) the “It” (or three guests) have
+      passed “out,” (3) Wallie Spencer starts telling about his war
+      experiences. “Informal” drinking needs, of course, no such
+      elaborate preparations and can be played anywhere and any time
+      there is anything to drink. The person who is caught with the
+      liquor is “It,” and the object of the game is to take all the
+      liquor away from the “It” as soon as possible. In order to avoid
+      being “It,” many players sometimes resort to various low
+      subterfuges, such as sneaking down alone to the club locker-room
+      during a dance, but this practise is generally looked upon with
+      great disfavor—especially by that increasingly large group of
+      citizens who are unselfishly devoting their lives to the cause of
+      a “dry America” by consuming all of the present rapidly
+      diminishing visible supply.
+
+      A JOLLY HALLOWE’EN PARTY
+
+      The problem of providing suitable entertainment for one’s
+      informal parties is something which has perplexed many a host and
+      hostess in recent years. How often has it happened that just when
+      you had gotten your guests nicely seated around the parlor
+      listening to the Caruso record, some ill-mannered fellow would
+      remark, “Oh, Lord—let’s go over to the Tom Phillips’ and get
+      something to drink.” How many times in the past have you prepared
+      original little “get-together” games, such as Carol Kennicott did
+      in _Main Street_, only to find that, when you again turned the
+      lights on, half the company had disappeared for the evening.
+
+      Of course we cannot all be as startlingly clever as Carol, but
+      Hallowe’en, which comes this year on October 31st, offers a
+      splendid opportunity for originality and “peppy” fun. The
+      following suggestions are presented to ambitious hostesses with
+      the absolute guaranty that no matter what other reactions her
+      guests may have, they will certainly not be bored.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Care Should Be Exercised in the Choice of Post-Cards _Few people
+realize the value of picture post-cards as indicators of the birth,
+breeding, and character of the sender, yet nothing so definitely
+“places” a person socially as his choice of these souvenirs. Could you
+have selected the senders of the above cards?_
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Cards Concealed about the Person Betray the Boor _In spite of his
+haughty airs and fine clothes, the gentleman betrays that he is not
+much accustomed to good society when, having been asked by his hostess
+if he would care to remove his coat and waistcoat during the warm
+evening of bridge, he, in doing so, reveals the presence of several
+useful cards hidden about his person. This sort of thing, while often
+tolerated at less formal “stag” poker-parties, is seldom, ever,
+permissible when ladies are present. The young man was simply ignorant
+of the fact that Hoyle and not Herman the Great is the generally
+accepted authority on cards in the “beau monde.”_
+
+      INVITATIONS
+
+      The whole spirit of Hallowe’en is, of course, one of “spooky”
+      gayety and light-hearted ghastliness. Witches and ghosts run
+      riot; corpses dance and black cats howl. “More work for the
+      undertaker” should be the leitmotif of the evening’s fun.
+
+      The moribund spirit can be delightfully observed, first of all,
+      in the preparation of the invitations. I know of one hostess, for
+      instance, who gained a great reputation for originality by
+      enclosing a dead fish with each bidding to the evening’s
+      gayeties. It is, of course, not at all necessary to follow her
+      example to the letter; the enclosure of anything dead will
+      suffice, providing, of course, that it is not TOO dead. There is
+      such a thing as carrying a joke beyond the limits of propriety,
+      and the canons of good taste should always be respectfully
+      observed.
+
+      Another amusing way of preparing invitations is to cut out
+      colored paper in the shape of cats, witches, etc., upon which
+      appropriate verses are inscribed. Such as:
+
+ “Next Monday night is Hallowe’en,
+ You big stiff.”
+                    or
+ “On Monday next comes All-Hallows-Even,
+ My grandmother’s maiden name was Stephens.”
+                    or
+ “On Hallowe’en you may see a witch
+ If you don’t look out, you funny fellow.”
+                    or
+ “Harry and I are giving a Hallowe’en party;
+ Harry says you owe him four dollars; please be prompt.
+                    or
+ “Monday night the ghosts do dance;
+ Why didn’t you enlist and go to France,
+ You slacker?”
+
+      Another novel invitation is made by cutting a piece of yellow
+      paper thirteen inches long and four inches wide, and writing on
+      each inch one of the lines given below. Then begin at the bottom
+      and fold the paper up, inch by inch. Fasten the last turn down
+      with a “spooky” gummed sticker, and slip into a small envelope.
+      When the recipient unfolds the invitation, he will be surprised
+      to read the following:
+
+ Now what on earth
+ do you suppose
+ is in this
+ little folder
+ keep turning
+ ha ha ha
+ further
+ ha ha ha
+ further
+ ha ha ha,
+ further
+ ha ha ha
+ further
+
+      It would perhaps be best to telephone the next day to those
+      guests whom you really want, and give them further details as to
+      the date and time of the party. Additional fun can be gotten out
+      of this invitation by failing to put postage stamps on the
+      envelopes when you mail them; the two cents which each guest will
+      have to pay for postage due can be returned in a novel manner on
+      the night of the party by inserting them in sandwiches or stuffed
+      tomatoes.
+
+      For those who may wish to send out more elaborate invitations,
+      the following distinctly original plan is suggested: Procure a
+      number of small alarm clocks and a quantity of nitroglycerine or
+      other high explosive. Insert in each clock a small amount of the
+      nitroglycerine, being careful not to put too much; a quantity
+      sufficient to wreck a room 20 X 30 Will generally suffice. Then
+      arrange the alarm mechanism so that the explosion will occur at
+      12 midnight. Attach to the clock a card, neatly decorated with
+      witches, goblins, etc., on which is written
+
+ “Midnight is the mystic hour
+ Of yawning graves and coffins dour.
+ Beneath your bed this clock please hide
+ And when it strikes—you’ll be surprised.”
+
+      These clocks should then be delivered in the afternoon to those
+      of the guests whom you are merely inviting because they are your
+      husband’s business associates, or because they were nice to your
+      mother when she did her own work. Later on, in order to avoid
+      hard feelings on the part of relatives and friends of the
+      deceased, it might be well to explain to them that you sent the
+      clocks only in the spirit of Hallowe’en fun; it might even help
+      to invite them to one of your next parties.
+
+      RECEIVING THE GUESTS
+
+      On Hallowe’en night great care should be taken in the
+      preparations for receiving the guests in a mystic manner; no
+      pains should be spared in the effort to start the evening off
+      with a “bang.”
+
+      Several novel ideas are offered for starting the guests off on
+      the right informal spirit. Before they arrive, it is a good plan
+      to take the street number off your house and fasten it to the
+      porch of your next door neighbors, who will, of course, be at
+      home because they are perfectly impossible people whom no one
+      would invite anywhere. Extinguish all the lights in your own
+      house; your neighbor, as he comes downstairs twenty-five or
+      thirty times in the next hour, will obligingly tell your
+      bewildered friends specifically where to go.
+
+      When the guest finally learns from the neighborhood policeman
+      which house on the block is really yours he will discover on your
+      door a sign reading:
+
+ “If you would be my Valentine,
+ Follow please the bright green line.”
+
+      Leading from the door is a green cord which the mystified guest
+      proceeds to follow, according to directions. This cord should
+      guide the way to the coal cellar of your other neighbor who has
+      recently purchased an automatic revolver under the delusion that
+      burglars are operating in the neighborhood. As your bewildered
+      guest gropes his way about the cellar, it is quite likely that he
+      will be shot at several times and by the time he emerges (if he
+      does emerge) he will be quite delightfully full of the informal
+      spirit of Hallowe’en and ready for anything.
+
+      HOW TO MYSTIFY
+
+      At this point, your wife, dressed as a witch, should unexpectedly
+      rush out at him; there is always the delightful possibility that
+      he will pick up a convenient rock and brain her on the spot—an
+      event which often adds an unexpected touch of gayety to the
+      evening’s fun. If, however, no such event occurs, the guest
+      should be blindfolded and led into the house. Once inside he is
+      conducted upstairs to the attic, where he will find three or four
+      earlier arrivals also blindfolded.
+
+      The hands and feet of these four are then securely tied and they
+      are told that they are to be left there all evening. This is
+      really a great joke, because they do not, of course, at the time,
+      believe what you say, and when you come up to untie them the next
+      morning, their shame-faced discomposure is truly laughable.
+
+      The green-cord-into-neighbor’s-coal-cellar joke can be cleverly
+      varied by taking the lid off your cistern and making the green
+      line lead in that direction. Great care should be taken, however,
+      to keep an exact account of the number of guests who succumb to
+      this trick, for although an unexpected “ducking” is
+      excruciatingly humorous, drowning often results fatally.
+
+      Great fun can be added to the evening’s entertainment by dressing
+      several of the guests as ghosts, witches, corpses, etc; these
+      costumes can be quite simply and economically made in the home,
+      or can be procured from some reliable department store.
+
+      An “old-fashioned” witch’s costume consists of a union suit
+      (Munsing or any other standard brand), corset, brassiere,
+      chemise, underpetticoat, overpetticoat, long black skirt, long
+      black stockings, shoes, black waist and shawl, with a pointed
+      witch’s hat and a broomstick. The “modern” witch’s costume is
+      much simpler and inexpensive in many details.
+
+      A particularly novel and “hair raising” effect may be produced by
+      painting the entire body of one of the male guests with
+      phosphorus. As this glowing nude stalks uncannily through the
+      darkened rooms you may easily imagine the ghastly
+      effect—especially upon his wife.
+
+      GAMES
+
+      After the guests have sufficiently amused themselves with the
+      ghosts and witches it will be time to commence some of the many
+      games which are always associated with Hallowe’en. “Bobbing for
+      apples” is, of course, the most common of these games and great
+      sport it is, too, to watch the awkward efforts of the guests as
+      they try to pick up with their teeth the apples floating in a
+      large tub. I know of one hostess who added greatly to the
+      evening’s fun by pouring twelve quarts of gin into the tub; the
+      effect on the bobbers was, of course, extremely comical, except
+      for the unfortunate conduct of two gentlemen, one of whom went to
+      sleep in the tub, the other so far forgetting himself as
+      playfully to throw all the floating fruit at the hostess’ pet
+      Pomeranian.
+
+      Most Hallowe’en games concern themselves with delving into the
+      future in the hopes that one may there discover one’s husband or
+      bride-to-be. In one of these games the men stand at one end of
+      the room, facing the girls, with their hands behind their backs
+      and eyes tightly closed. The girls are blindfolded and one by one
+      they are led to within six feet of the expectant men and given a
+      soft pin cushion which they hurl forward. The tradition is that
+      whichever man the girl hits, him will she marry. Great fun can be
+      added to the game by occasionally substituting a rock or iron
+      dumb-bell in place of the romantic pin cushion.
+
+      Another game based on a delightful old Hallowe’en tradition is as
+      follows: A girl is given a lighted candle and told to walk
+      upstairs into the room at the end of the hall where, by looking
+      in a mirror, she will see her future husband. Have it arranged so
+      that you are concealed alone in the room. When the girl arrives,
+      look over her shoulder into the mirror. She had better go
+      downstairs after ten minutes, though, so that another girl can
+      come up. This tradition dates from before William the Conqueror.
+
+      No Hallowe’en is complete, of course, without fortune telling.
+      Dress yourself as a wizard and have the guests led in one by one
+      to hear their fortune told. Hanging in front of you should be a
+      caldron, from which you extract the slip of paper containing the
+      particular fortune. These slips of paper should be prepared
+      beforehand. The following are suggested:
+
+      “You will meet a well dressed, good looking man who understands
+      you better than your husband. How about Thursday at the Plaza?”
+
+      “You are about to receive a shipment of Scotch whisky that you
+      ordered last month. And it’s about time you kicked across with
+      some of your own.”
+
+      “You will have much trouble in your life if you lie about your
+      golf score as you did last Sunday on Number 12.”
+
+      Still another pleasing Hallowe’en game, based on the revelation
+      of one’s matrimonial future, is played as follows: Seven lighted
+      candles are placed in a row on a table. The men are then
+      blindfolded, whirled around three times and commanded to blow out
+      the candles. The number extinguished at a blow tells the number
+      of years before they meet their bride. This game only grows
+      interesting, of course, when some old goat with long whiskers can
+      be induced to take a blind shot at blowing out the candles. Have
+      Pyrene convenient—but not too convenient to spoil the fun.
+
+      For the older members of the party, the host should provide
+      various games of cards and dice. In keeping with the ghastly
+      spirit of the occasion, it would be well to have the dice
+      carefully loaded. Many hosts have thus been able to make all
+      expenses and often a handsome profit out of the evening’s
+      entertainment.
+
+      If the crap game goes particularly well, many hosts do not
+      hesitate to provide elaborate refreshments for the guests. Here,
+      too, the spirit of fun and jollity should prevail, and great
+      merriment is always provoked by the ludicrous expression of the
+      guest who has broken two teeth on the cast-iron olive. Other
+      delightful surprises should be arranged, and a little Sloan’s
+      liniment in the punch or ground glass in the ice cream will go a
+      long way toward making the supper amusing. And finally, when the
+      guests are ready to depart and just before they discover that you
+      have cut cute little black cats and witches out of the backs of
+      their evening wraps and over coats, it would perhaps be well to
+      run up stairs and lock yourself securely in your room.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER EIGHT: CORRESPONDENCE AND INVITATIONS
+
+
+      CORRESPONDENCE
+
+      It is narrated of a well-known English lady (who is noted on the
+      other side of the Atlantic for the sharpness of her wit) that on
+      one occasion, when a vainglorious American was boasting of his
+      country’s prowess in digging the Panama Canal, she calmly waited
+      until he had finished and then replied, with an indescribable
+      smile, “Ah—but you Americans do not know how to write letters.”
+      Needless to say the discomfited young man took himself off at the
+      earliest opportunity.
+
+      There is much truth, alas, in the English lady’s clever retort,
+      for the automatic typewriter, the telegraph, and the penny postal
+      card have done much to cause a gradual decline in the gentle art
+      of correspondence. As one American woman recently remarked to a
+      visitor (with more wit, however, than good taste), “Yes, we do
+      have correspondents here—but they are all in the divorce courts.”
+
+      CORRESPONDENCE FOR YOUNG LADIES
+
+      There are certain rules in regard to correct letter-writing which
+      must be followed by all who would “take their pen in hand.” Young
+      people are the most apt to offend in this respect against the
+      accepted canons of good taste and it is to these that I would
+      first address the contents of this chapter. A young girl often
+      lets her high spirits run away with her _amour propre_, with the
+      result that her letters, especially those addressed to strangers,
+      are often lacking in that dignity which is the _sine qua non_ of
+      correct correspondence.
+
+      Consider, for example, the following two letters composed by Miss
+      Florence ......, a debutante of New York City, who is writing to
+      a taxidermist thanking him for his neat work in having recently
+      stuffed her deceased pet Alice. The first of these letters
+      illustrates the evil to which I have just referred, viz., the
+      complete absence of proper dignity. The second, written with the
+      aid of her mama, whose experience in social affairs has been
+      considerable, shows the correct method of corresponding with
+      comparative strangers.
+
+      An Incorrect Letter from a Débutante to a Taxidermist Thanking
+      Him for Having Stuffed Her Pet Alice
+
+  DEAR MR. Epps:
+
+  Aren’t you an old _peach_ to have gone and stuffed Alice so prettily!
+  Really, Mr. Epps, I never saw such a knockout piece of taxidermy,
+  even in Europe, and I simply adore it. Mother gave a dinner party
+  last night and _everybody_ was just wild about it and wanted to know
+  who had done it. How on _earth_ did you manage to get the wings to
+  stay like that? And the eyes are just too priceless for words.
+  Honestly, every time I look at it, it’s so _darned_ natural that I
+  can’t believe Alice is really dead. I guess you must be pretty
+  dog-goned crazy about birds yourself to have done such a lovely job
+  on Alice, and I guess you know how perfectly sick I was over her
+  death. Honestly, Mr. Epps, she was such a _peach_ of an owl. But I
+  suppose it had to be, and anyway, thanks just heaps for having done
+  such a really perfectly gorgeous bit of taxidermy.
+
+                 Gratefully,
+                      FLORENCE CHASE.
+  _593 Fifth Avenue,
+  New York City._
+
+      The above is, you observe, quite lacking in that reserve with
+      which young ladies should always treat strange gentlemen and
+      especially those who are not in their own social “set.” Slang may
+      be excusable in shop girls or baseball players, but never in the
+      mouth of a young lady with any pretensions to breeding. And the
+      use of “darned” and “dog-goned” is simply unpardonable. Notice,
+      now, the way in which Miss Florence writes the letter after, her
+      mama has given her the proper instruction.
+
+      A Correct Letter from a Débutante to a Taxidermist Thanking Him
+      for Having Stuffed Her Pet Alice
+
+  Mr. Lloyd Epps, Taxidermist,
+  New York City.
+  DEAR SIR:
+
+  It is with sincere pleasure that I take my pen in hand to compliment
+  you upon the successful manner in which you have rendered your
+  services as taxidermist upon my late owl Alice. Death in the animal
+  kingdom is all too often regarded with an unbecoming levity or, at
+  least, a careless lack of sympathetic appreciation, and it is with
+  genuine feelings of gratitude that I pen these lines upon the
+  occasion of the receipt of the sample of the excellent manner in
+  which you have performed your task. Of the same opinion is my father,
+  a vice-president of the Guaranty Trust Co., and himself a taxidermist
+  of no inconsiderable merit, who joins me in expressing to you our
+  most grateful appreciation.
+
+                 Sincerely yours,
+                      FLORENCE ELIOT CHASE.
+  _December_ 11, 1922.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+It Is Not the Custom to Comment on the Quantity of Soup Consumed by a
+Guest _The young man is leaving the home of his host in “high dudgeon.”
+He is of the type rather slangily known among the members of our
+younger set as “finale hopper” which means, in the “King’s English,”
+one who is very fond of dancing. His indignation is well founded, since
+it is not the custom among members of the socially elite to comment in
+the presence of the guest on either the quantity of soup consumed or
+the method of consumption adopted. These things should be left for the
+privacy of the boudoir or smoking den where they will afford much
+innocent amusement. Nor is the host mending matters by his kindly meant
+but perhaps tactless offer of a nickel for carfare._
+
+[Illustration]
+
+False Teeth Should Remain in the Mouth throughout any Given Dinner _The
+gentleman with the excellent teeth has just been guilty of a gross
+social error. Wrongly supposing that the secret of popularity lies in a
+helpful spirit and having discovered that the son of his hostess is
+about to enter a dental school, he has removed the excellent teeth
+(false) from his mouth and passed them around for inspection. The fact
+that the teeth are of the latest mode does not in any way condone the
+breach. Leniency in such matters is not recommended. “Facilis descensus
+Averni” as one of the great poets of the Middle Ages so aptly put it._
+
+      COLLEGE BOYS
+
+      It is the tendency of the age to excuse many social errors in
+      young people, and especially is this true of the mischievous
+      pranks of college boys. If Harvard football heroes and their
+      “rooters,” for example, wish to let their hair grow long and wear
+      high turtle-necked red “sweaters,” corduroy trousers and huge
+      “frat” pins, I, for one, can see no grave objection, for “boys
+      will be boys” and I am, I hope, no “old fogy” in such matters.
+      But I also see no reason why these same young fellows should not
+      be interested in the graces of the salon and the arts of the
+      drawing-room. Consider, for example, the following two letters,
+      illustrating the correct and incorrect method in which two young
+      college men should correspond, and tell me if there is not some
+      place in our college curriculum for a Professor of Deportment:
+
+      An Incorrect Letter from a Princeton Student to a Yale Student
+      Congratulating the Latter on His Football Victory
+
+  DEAR MIKE:
+  Here’s your damn money. I was a fool to give you odds. ED. P. S. What
+  happened at the Nass? I woke up Sunday with a terrific welt on my
+  forehead and somebody’s hat with the initials L. G. T., also a Brooks
+  coat. Do you know whose they are? P. P. S. Please for God’s sake
+  don’t cash this check until the fifteenth or I’m ruined.
+
+      And here is the way in which I would suggest that this same
+      letter be indited.
+
+      A Correct Letter from a Princeton Student to a Yale Student
+      Congratulating the Latter on His Football Victory
+
+  MY DEAR “FRIENDLY ENEMY”:
+  Well, well, it was a jolly game, wasn’t it, and it was so good to see
+  you in “Old Nassau.” I am sorry that you could not have come earlier
+  in the fall, when the trees were still bronze and gold. I also regret
+  exceedingly that you did not stay over until Sunday, for it would
+  have been such a treat to have taken you to see the Graduate School
+  buildings and the Cleveland Memorial Tower. However, “better luck
+  next time.”
+  The enclosed check is, as you may well guess, in payment of our wager
+  on the result of the gridiron-contest. Truly, I am almost glad that I
+  lost, for I can not but think that gambling in any form is at best an
+  unprofitable diversion, and this has taught me, I hope, a lesson from
+  which I may well benefit. Do not think me a “prig,” dear Harry, I beg
+  of you, for I am sure that you will agree with me that even a
+  seemingly innocent wager on a football match may lead in later life
+  to a taste for gambling with dice and cards or even worse. Shall we
+  not agree to make this our last wager—or at least, next time, let us
+  not lend it the appearance of professional gambling by giving “odds,”
+  such as I gave you this year.
+  You must have thought it frightfully rude of me not to have seen you
+  to the train after that enjoyable evening at the Nassau Inn, but to
+  tell you the truth, Harry, the nervous excitement of the day proved
+  too much for me and I was forced to retire. My indisposition was
+  further accentuated by a slight mishap which befell me outside the
+  Inn but which need cause you no alarm as a scalp wound was the only
+  result and a few days’ rest in my cozy dormitory room will soon set
+  matters to rights. I trust, however, that you will explain to your
+  friends the cause of my sudden departure and my seeming
+  inhospitality. Such jolly fellows they were—and I am only too glad to
+  find that the “bulldogs” are as thoroughly nice as the chaps we have
+  down here. Incidentally, I discovered, somewhat to my dismay, as you
+  may well imagine, that in taking my departure I inadvertently “walked
+  off” with the hat and overcoat of one of your friends whose initials
+  are L. G. T. I am mortified beyond words and shall send the garments
+  to you by the next post with my deepest apologies to the unlucky
+  owner.
+  Rest assured, Harry my friend, that I am looking forward to visiting
+  you some time in the near future, for I have always been curious to
+  observe the many interesting sights of “Eli land.” Particularly
+  anxious am I to see the beautiful trees which have given New Haven
+  its name of “the City of Elms,” and the collection of primitive
+  paintings for which your college is justly celebrated. And in closing
+  may I make the slight request that you postpone the cashing of my
+  enclosed check until the fifteenth of this month, as, due to some
+  slight misunderstanding, I find that my account is in the unfortunate
+  condition of being “overdrawn.”
+  Believe me, Harry, with kindest regards to your nice friends and
+  yourself and with congratulations on the well deserved victory of
+  your “eleven,” Your devoted friend and well wisher, EDWARD ELLIS
+  COCHRAN.
+
+      LETTERS TO PARENTS
+
+      Of course, when young people write to the members of their
+      immediate family, it is not necessary that they employ such
+      reserve as in correspondence with friends. The following letter
+      well illustrates the change in tone which is permissible in such
+      intimate correspondence:
+
+      A Correct Letter from a Young Lady in Boarding School to Her
+      Parents
+
+  DEAR MOTHER:
+  Of course I am terribly glad that you and father are thinking of
+  coming to visit me here at school next week, but don’t you think it
+  would be better if, instead of your coming all the way up here, I
+  should come down and stay with you in New York? The railroad trip up
+  here will be very hard on you, as the trains are usually late and the
+  porters and conductors are notorious for their gruffness and it is
+  awfully hard to get parlor-car seats and you know what sitting in a
+  day-coach means. I should love to have you come only I wouldn’t want
+  you or father to get some terrible sickness on the train and last
+  month there were at least three wrecks on that road, with many
+  fatalities, and when you get here the accommodations aren’t very good
+  for outsiders, many of the guests having been severely poisoned only
+  last year by eating ripe olives and the beds, they say, are extremely
+  hard. Don’t you really think it would be ever so much nicer if you
+  and father stayed in some comfortable hotel in New York with all the
+  conveniences in the world and there are some wonderful things at the
+  theaters which you really ought to see. I could probably get
+  permission from Miss Spencer to come and visit you over Saturday and
+  Sunday if you are stopping at one of the five hotels on her
+  “permitted” list.
+  However, if you do decide to come here, perhaps it would be better to
+  leave father in New York because I know he wouldn’t like it at all
+  with nothing but women and girls around and I am sure that he
+  couldn’t get his glass of hot water in the morning before breakfast
+  and he would have a much better time in New York. But if he does come
+  please mother don’t let him wear that old gray hat or that brown
+  suit, and mother couldn’t you get him to get some gloves and a cane
+  in New York before he comes? And please, mother dear, make him put
+  those “stogies” of his in an inside pocket and would you mind,
+  mother, not wearing that brooch father’s employees gave you last
+  Christmas?
+  I shall be awfully glad to see you both but as I say it would be
+  better if you let me come to New York where you and father will be
+  ever so much more comfortable. Your loving daughter, JEANNETTE.
+
+      LETTERS FROM PARENTS
+
+      THE same familiarity may be observed by parents when
+      corresponding with their children, with, of course, the addition
+      of a certain amount of dignity commensurate with the fact that
+      they are, as it were, _in loco parentis_. The following example
+      will no doubt be of aid to parents in correctly corresponding
+      with their children:
+
+      A Correct Letter from a Mother to Her Son Congratulating Him on
+      His Election to the Presidency of the United States
+
+  DEAR FREDERICK:
+  I am very glad that you have been elected President of the United
+  States, Frederick, and I hope that now you will have sense enough to
+  see Dr. Kincaid about your teeth. It would be well to have him give
+  you a thorough looking over at this time. And Mrs. Peasely has given
+  me the name of a splendid throat specialist in New York whom I wish
+  you would see as soon as possible, for it has been almost a year
+  since you went to Dr. Ryan. Are you getting good wholesome food? Mrs.
+  Dennison stopped in this morning and she told me that Washington is
+  very damp in the spring and I think you had better get a new
+  overcoat—a heavy warm one. She also told me the name of a place where
+  you can buy real woolen socks and pajamas. I hope that you aren’t
+  going to be so foolish as to wear those short B. V. D.’s all winter
+  because now that you are president you must take care of yourself,
+  Edward dear. Are you keeping up those exercises in the morning? I
+  found those dumb-bells of yours in the attic yesterday and will send
+  them on to you if you wish. And, dear, please keep your throat
+  covered when you go out—Mrs. Kennedy says that the subways are always
+  cold and full of draughts. I saw a picture of you at the “movies” the
+  other evening and you were making a speech in the rain without a hat
+  or rubbers. Your uncle Frederick was just such a fool as you are
+  about wearing rubbers and he almost died of pneumonia the winter we
+  moved to Jefferson Avenue. Be sure and let me know what Dr. Kincaid
+  says and tell him _everything_. Your _loving_ mother. P. S. What
+  direction does your window face?
+
+      LETTERS TO PROSPECTIVE FATHERS-IN-LAW
+
+      A young man desiring to marry a young girl does not, in polite
+      society, “pop the question” to her by mail, unless she happens,
+      at the time, to be out of the city or otherwise unable to
+      “receive.” It is often advisable, however, after she has said
+      “yes,” to write a letter to her father instead of calling on him
+      to ask for his permission to the match, as a personal interview
+      is often apt to result unsatisfactorily. In writing these letters
+      to prospective fathers-in-law, the cardinal point is, of course,
+      the creation by the young man of a good impression in the mind of
+      the father, and for this purpose he should study to make his
+      letter one which will appeal irresistibly to the older
+      gentleman’s habits and tastes.
+
+      Thus, in writing to a father who is above everything else a
+      “business man,” the following form is suggested:
+
+      A Correct Letter to a Prospective Father-in-Law Who Is a Business
+      Man
+
+                                My letter, 10-6-22 Your letter, In
+                                reply please refer to: ————
+                                File—Love—personal— N. Y.—1922 No. G,
+                                16 19 Mr. Harrison Williams, Vice-Pres.
+                                Kinnear-Williams Mfg. Co., Buffalo, N.
+                                Y.
+  DEAR SIR:
+  Confirming verbal message of even date re: being in love with your
+  daughter, this is to advise that I am in love with your daughter. Any
+  favorable action which you would care to take in this matter would be
+  greatly appreciated. Yours truly, EDWARD FISH. Copy to your Daughter 
+                   per E. F. “  “  “   Wife EF/F
+
+      Or, should the girl’s father be prominent in the advertising
+      business, the following would probably create a favorable
+      impression, especially if printed on a blotter or other useful
+      article:
+
+      A Correct Letter to a Prospective Father-in-Law Who Is in the
+      Advertising Business
+
+  JUST A MOMENT!
+  Have you ever stopped to consider the problem of grandchildren?
+  Do you know, for example, that ONLY 58% of the fathers in America are
+  GRANDFATHERS?
+  Did it ever occur to you that only 39% of the grandfathers in America
+  EVER HAVE GRANDCHILDREN?
+  Honestly, now, don’t there come moments, after the day’s work is done
+  and you are sitting in your slippers before the fire, when you would
+  give any thing in the world for a soft little voice to call you
+  GRANDPA?
+  _Be fair to your daughter Give her a College educated husband!_
+  COMPLIMENTS OF EDWARD FISH
+
+      Perhaps, if the old gentleman is employed in the Credit
+      Department of Brooks Brothers, Frank Brothers, or any one of the
+      better class stores, the following might prove effective:
+
+      A Correct Letter to a Prospective Father-in-Law Who Is Employed
+      in a Credit Department
+
+  MY DEAR MR. ROBERTS:     10-6-22
+  I am writing you in regard to a little matter of matrimony which no
+  doubt you have overlooked in the press of business elsewhere. This is
+  not to be considered as a “dun” but merely as a gentle reminder of
+  the fact that it would be extremely agreeable if you could see fit to
+  let me marry your daughter before the first of next month. I feel
+  sure that you will give this matter your immediate attention. Yours
+  truly, ED. FISH.
+                                11-2-22 DEAR MR. ROBERTS:
+  As you have not as yet replied to my communication of 10-6-22
+  regarding marriage to your daughter, I presume that you were not at
+  the time disposed to take care of the matter to which I referred. I
+  feel sure that upon consideration you will agree that my terms are
+  exceedingly liberal and I must therefore request that you let me have
+  some word from you before the first of next month. Yours truly,
+  EDWARD FISH.
+            (Registered Mail)             12-2-22 DEAR SIR:
+  You have not as yet replied to my communication of 10-6-22 and
+  11-2-22. I should regret exceedingly being forced to place this
+  matter in the hands of my attorneys, Messrs. Goldstein and
+  Nusselmann, 41 City Nat’l Bank Bldg. E. FISH.
+
+      Of course, it would never do to carry this series to its
+      conclusion and if no reply is received to this last letter it
+      might be well to call on the gentleman in his place of
+      business—or, possibly, it might even be better to call off the
+      engagement. “None but the brave deserve the fair”—but there is
+      also a line in one of Byron’s poems which goes, I believe, “Here
+      sleep the brave.”
+
+      LOVE LETTERS
+
+      A young man corresponding with his fiancée is never, of course,
+      as formal as in his letters to other people. This does not mean,
+      however, that his correspondence should be full of silly
+      meaningless “nothings.” On the contrary, he should aim to
+      instruct and benefit his future spouse as well as convey to her
+      his tokens of affection. The following letter well illustrates
+      the manner in which a young man may write his fiancée a letter
+      which, while it is replete with proper expressions of amatory
+      good will, yet manages to embody a fund of sensible and useful
+      information:
+
+      A Correct Letter from a Young Man Traveling in Europe to His
+      Fiancée
+
+  MY DEAREST EDITH:
+  How I long to see you—to hold tight your hand—to look into your eyes.
+  But alas! you are in Toledo and I am in Paris, which, as you know, is
+  situated on the Seine River near the middle of the so-called Paris
+  basin at a height above sea-level varying from 85 feet to 419 feet
+  and extending 7 1/2 miles from W. to E. and 5 1/2 miles from N. to S.
+  But, dearest, I carry your image with me in my heart wherever I go in
+  this vast city with its population (1921) of 2,856,986 and its
+  average mean rainfall Of 2.6 inches, and I wish—oh, how I wish—that
+  you might be here with me. Yesterday, for example, I went to the Père
+  Lachaise cemetery which is the largest (106 acres) and most
+  fashionable cemetery in Paris, its 90,148 (est.) tombs forming a
+  veritable open-air sculpture gallery. And what do you think I found
+  there which made me think of you more than ever? Not the tombs of La
+  Fontaine (d. 1695) and Molière (d. 1673) whose remains, transferred
+  to this cemetery in 1804, constituted the first interments—not the
+  last resting place of Rosa Bonheur (d. 1899) or the victims of the
+  Opéra Comique fire (1887)—no, dearest, it was the tomb of Abelard and
+  Heloïse, those late 11th early 12th century lovers, and you may well
+  imagine what thoughts, centering upon a young lady whose first name
+  begins with E, filled my heart as I gazed at this impressive tomb,
+  the canopy of which is composed of sculptured fragments collected by
+  Lenoir from the Abbey of Nogent-sur-Seine (Aube).
+  Edith dearest, I am sitting in my room gazing first at your dear
+  picture and then out of my window at the Eiffel Tower which is the
+  tallest structure in the world, being 984 feet high (Woolworth
+  Building 750 feet, Washington Obelisk 555 feet, Great Pyramid 450
+  feet). And although it may sound too romantic, yet it seems to me,
+  dearest, that our love is as strong and as sturdy as this masterpiece
+  of engineering construction which weighs 7,000 tons, being composed
+  of 12,000 pieces of metal fastened by 2,500,000 iron rivets.
+  Farewell, my dearest one—I must go now to visit the Catacombs, a huge
+  charnelhouse which is said to contain the remains of nearly three
+  million persons, consisting of a labyrinth of galleries lined with
+  bones and rows of skulls through which visitors are escorted on the
+  first and third Saturday of each month at 2 P. M. I long to hold you
+  in my arms. Devotedly, PAUL.
+
+      CORRESPONDENCE OF PUBLIC OFFICIALS
+
+      Congressmen and other public officials are as a rule more careful
+      correspondents than are men whose letters are never to be seen by
+      the public at large. There is a certain well-defined form for a
+      letter meant for public consumption which distinguishes it from
+      correspondence of a more private nature. Thus a Congressman,
+      writing a “public letter,” would cast it in the following form:
+
+      A Correct “Public Letter” from a Congressman
+
+  Mr. Ellison Lothrop, Vice-Pres. Washington Co.. “Better Citizenship”
+  League,
+  MY DEAR MR. LOTHROP:
+  You have requested that I give to the Washington County Better
+  Citizenship League, of which you are an active vice-president, some
+  expression of my views upon the question of Prohibition.
+  Sir, can there be any doubt as to the belief of every right thinking
+  American citizen in this matter? The Eighteenth Amendment is here and
+  here, thank God, to stay! The great benefit which Prohibition has
+  done to the poor and the working classes is reason enough for its
+  continued existence. It is for the manufacturers, the professional
+  class, the capitalists to give up gladly whatever small pleasure they
+  may have derived from the use of alcohol, in order that John Jones,
+  workingman, may have money in the bank and a happy home, instead of
+  his Saturday night debauch. In every democracy the few sacrifice for
+  the many—“the greatest good of the greatest number” is the slogan.
+  And I, for one, am proud to have been a member of that legislative
+  body which passed so truly God-bidden and democratic an act as the
+  Eighteenth Amendment.
+  I beg to remain, with best wishes to your great organization,
+  Sincerely yours, WALTER G. TOWNSLEY.
+
+      A Correct Private Letter of a Congressman
+
+  DEAR BOB:
+  Tell that fellow on Mulberry Street that I will pay $135 a case for
+  Scotch and $90 for gin _delivered_ and not a cent more. W. G. T.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Vision and Ingenuity in Courtship _The problem of an introduction when
+there is no mutual acquaintance is sometimes perplexing. But the young
+man, having had the good taste to purchase a copy of_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR,
+_is having no difficulty. He has fastened a rope across the sidewalk in
+front of the lady’s house and, with the aid of a match and some
+kerosene, has set fire to the house. Driven by the heat, the young lady
+will eventually emerge and in her haste will fall over the rope. To a
+gentleman of gallantry and ingenuity the rest should be comparatively
+simple._
+
+[Illustration]
+
+“Say It with Flowers” _A knowledge of the language of flowers is
+essential to a successful courtship and may avoid much unnecessary
+pain. With the best intentions in the world the young man is about to
+present the young lady with a flower of whose meaning he is in total
+ignorance. The young lady, being a faithful student of_ PERFECT
+BEHAVIOR, _knows its exact meaning and it will be perfectly correct for
+her to turn and, with a frigid bow, break the pot over the young man’s
+head. Alas, how differently this romance might have ended if the
+so-called “friends” of the young man had tactfully but firmly pointed
+out to him the value of a book on etiquette such as_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR.
+
+      LETTERS TO NEWSPAPERS, MAGAZINES, ETC.
+
+      Another type of public correspondence is the letter which is
+      intended for publication in some periodical. This is usually
+      written by elderly gentlemen with whiskers and should be cast in
+      the following form:
+
+      A Correct Letter from an Elderly Gentleman to the Editor of a
+      Newspaper or Magazine
+
+  To the Editor: SIR:
+  On February next, _Deo volente_, I shall have been a constant reader
+  of your worthy publication for forty-one years. I feel, sir, that
+  that record gives me the right _ipso facto_ to offer my humble
+  criticism of a statement made in your November number by that worthy
+  critic of the drama, Mr. Heywood Broun. _Humanum est errare_, and I
+  am sure that Mr. Broun (with whom I have unfortunately not the honour
+  of an acquaintance) will forgive me for calling his attention to what
+  is indeed a serious, and I might say, unbelievable, misstatement. In
+  my younger days, now long past, it was not considered _infra dig_ for
+  a critic to reply to such letters as this, and I hope that Mr. Broun
+  will deem this epistle worthy of consideration, and recognize the
+  justice of my complaint.
+  I remember well a controversy that raged between critic and public
+  for many weeks in the days when Joe Jefferson was playing Rip Van
+  Winkle. Ah, sir, do you remember (but, of course, you don’t) that
+  entrance of Joe in the first act with his dog Schneider? That was not
+  my first play by many years, but I believe that it is still my
+  favorite. I think the first time I ever attended a dramatic
+  performance was in the winter of ’68 when I was a student at Harvard
+  College. Five of us freshmen went into the old Boston Museum to see
+  _Our American Cousin_. Joe Chappell was with us that night and the
+  two Dawes boys and, I think, Elmer Mitchell. One of the Dawes twins
+  was, I believe, afterwards prominent in the Hayes administration.
+  There were many men besides Will Dawes in that Harvard class who were
+  heard from in later years. Ed Twitchell for one, and “Sam” Caldwell,
+  who was one of the nominees for vice president in ’92. I sat next to
+  Sam in “Bull” Warren’s Greek class. _There_ was one of the finest
+  scholars this country has ever produced—a stern taskmaster, and a
+  thorough gentleman. It would be well for this younger generation if
+  they could spend a few hours in that old classroom, with “Bull”
+  pacing up and down the aisle and all of us trembling in our shoes.
+  But _Delenda est Carthago—fuit Ilium—Requiescat in pace_. I last saw
+  “Bull” at our fifteenth reunion and we were all just as afraid of him
+  as in the old days at Hollis.
+  But I digress. _Tempus fugit_,—which reminds me of a story “Billy”
+  Hallowell once told at a meeting of the American Bar Association in
+  Minneapolis, in 1906. Hallowell was perhaps the most brilliant
+  after-dinner speaker I have ever heard—with the possible exception of
+  W. D. Evarts. I shall never forget the speech that Evarts made during
+  the second Blaine campaign.
+  But I digress. Your critic, Mr. Heywood Broun, says on page 33 of the
+  November issue of your worthy magazine that _The Easiest Way_ is the
+  father of all modern American tragedy. Sir, does Mr. Broun forget
+  that there once lived a man named William Shakespeare? Is it possible
+  to overlook such immortal tragedies as _Hamlet_ and _Othello?_ I
+  think not. _Fiat justitia, ruat cœlum._ Sincerely, SHERWIN G.
+  COLLINS.
+
+      A Correct Letter from an Indignant Father to an Editor of Low
+      Ideals
+
+  To the Editor: Sir:
+  I have a son—a little fourteen-year-old boy who proudly bears my
+  name. This lad I have brought up with the greatest care. I have
+  spared no pains to make him an upright, moral, God-fearing youth.
+  I had succeeded, I thought, in inculcating in him all those worthy
+  principles for which our Puritan fathers fought and—aye—died. I do
+  not believe that there existed in our neighborhood a more virtuous,
+  more righteous boy.
+  From his earliest childhood until now Mrs. Pringle and I have kept
+  him carefully free from any suggestion of evil. We have put in his
+  hands only the best and purest of books; we have not allowed him to
+  attend any motion picture performances other than the yearly visit of
+  the Burton Holmes travelogues, and, last year, a film called _Snow
+  White and Rose Red;_ we have forbidden him to enter a theater. Roland
+  (for that is his name) has never in his life exhibited any interest
+  in what is known as sex.
+  Sir, you may imagine my chagrin when my Roland—my boy who, for
+  fourteen years, I have carefully shielded from sin—rushed in last
+  night to where Mrs. Pringle and I were enjoying our evening game of
+  Bézique, bearing in his hand a copy of your magazine which, I
+  presume, he had picked up at some so-called friend’s house. “Papa,
+  look,” said my boy to me, pointing to the cover of the magazine.
+  “What are these?”
+  Sir, I looked. Mrs. Pringle gave a shriek, and well may she have. My
+  boy was pointing to a cover on which was what is called—in barroom
+  parlance—a “nude.” And not _one_ nude but _twelve!_
+  Sir, you have destroyed the parental labors of fourteen years. I
+  trust you are satisfied. Yours, etc., EVERETT G. PRINGLE.
+
+      A Letter from a Member of the Lower Classes. Particular pains
+      should be taken in answering such letters as it should always be
+      our aim to lend a hand to those aspiring toward better things.
+
+  To the Editor: Dear Sir:
+  I am a motorman on the Third Ave. South Ferry local, and the other
+  day one of the passengers left a copy of your magazine on my car and
+  I want to ask you something which maybe you can tell me and anyway it
+  don’t do no harm to ask what I want to know is will it be O. K to
+  wear a white vest with a dinner coat this coming winter and what
+  color socks I enclose stamps for reply. Yrs. ED. WALSH.
+
+      A Correct Letter to the Lost and Found Department of a
+      Periodical, inquiring for a Missing Relative. This should be
+      referred to the persons mentioned in the letter who will probably
+      take prompt and vigorous action.
+
+  Literary Editors: Dear Sirs:
+  I have been very much interested in the clever work of Nancy and
+  Ernest Boyd which has been appearing in your magazine, and I wonder
+  if you could take the time to give me a little piece of information
+  about them. You see there was a Nancy Boyd (her mother was Nancy
+  Kroomen of Beaver Dam) and her bro. Ernest, who was neighbors to us
+  for several years, and when they moved I sort of lost track of them.
+  You know how those things are. But it’s a small world after all,
+  isn’t it? and I shouldn’t be at all surprised if this was the same
+  party and, if it is, will you say hello to Nancy for me, and tell
+  Ernest that Ed. Gold still comes down from Akron to see E. W. every
+  Saturday. He’ll know who I mean. Ever sincerely, MAY WINTERS.
+
+      LETTERS TO STRANGERS
+
+      In writing to a person with whom you have only a slight
+      acquaintance, it is a sign of proper breeding to attempt to show
+      the stranger that you are interested in the things in which he is
+      interested. Thus, for example, if you were to write a letter to a
+      Frenchman who was visiting your city for the first time, you
+      would endeavor, as in the following example, to speak to him in
+      his own idiom and put him at his ease by referring to the things
+      with which he is undoubtedly familiar. It is only a “boor” who
+      seeks to impose his own hobbies and interests upon a stranger,
+      disregarding entirely the presumable likes and dislikes of the
+      latter.
+
+      A CORRECT LETTER TO A FRENCH VISITOR
+
+  Monsieur Jules La Chaise, Hotel Enterprise, City.
+  MONSIEUR:
+  I hope that you have had a _bon voyage_ on your trip from _la belle
+  France_, and my wife and I are looking forward to welcoming you to
+  our city. Although I cannot say, as your great king Louis XV. so
+  justly remarked, “_L’etat, c’est moi_,” yet I believe that I can
+  entertain you _comme il faut_ during your stay here. But all _bon
+  mots_ aside, would you care to join us this afternoon in a ride
+  around the city? If you say the word, _voila!_ we shall be at your
+  hotel in our automobile and I think that you will find here much that
+  is interesting to a native of Lafayette’s great country and
+  especially to a citizen of Paris. Did you know, for example, that
+  this city manufactures 38% of the toilet soap and perfumery _je ne
+  sais quoi_ which are used in this state? Of course, our sewers are
+  not to be compared to yours, _mon Dieu_, but we have recently
+  completed a pumping station on the outskirts of the city which I
+  think might almost be denominated an _objet d’art_.
+  I am enclosing a visitor’s card to the City Club here, which I wish
+  you would use during your stay. I am sure that you will find there
+  several _bon vivants_ who will be glad to join you in a game of
+  _vingt et un_, and in the large room on the second floor is a
+  victrola with splendid instrumental and vocal records of “La
+  Marseillaise.”
+  _Au revoir_ until I see you this afternoon. Robert C. Crocker.
+
+      And above all, in writing to strangers or comparative strangers,
+      seek to avoid the mention of subjects which might be distasteful
+      to the recipient of the letter. Many a friendship has been
+      utterly ruined because one of the parties, in her correspondence
+      or conversation, carelessly referred to some matter—perhaps some
+      physical peculiarity—upon which the other was extremely
+      sensitive. The following letter well illustrates how the use of a
+      little tact may go “a long way.”
+
+      A CORRECT LETTER TO A BEARDED LADY
+
+  My dear Mrs. Lenox:
+  I wonder if you would care to go with us to the opera Wednesday
+  evening? The Cromwells have offered us their box for that night,
+  which accounts for our selection of that particular evening. “Beggars
+  cannot be choosers,” and while personally we would all rather go on
+  some other night, yet it is perhaps best that we do not refuse the
+  Cromwells’ generous offer. Then, too, Wednesday is really the only
+  evening that my husband and I are free to go, for the children take
+  so much of our time on other nights. I do hope, therefore, that you
+  can go with us Wednesday to hear “The Barber of Seville.” Sincerely,
+  Esther G. (Mrs. Thomas D.) Franklin.
+
+      INVITATIONS
+
+      The form of the invitation depends a great deal upon the
+      character of the function to which one wishes to invite the
+      guests to whom one issues the invitation. Or, to put it more
+      simply, invitations differ according to the nature of the party
+      to which one invites the guests. In other words, when issuing
+      invitations to invited guests one must have due regard for the
+      fact that these invitations vary with the various types of
+      entertainments for which one issues the invitations. That is to
+      say, one would obviously not send out the same form of invitation
+      to a wedding as to a dinner party, and vice versa. This is an
+      iron-clad rule in polite society.
+
+      For example, a gentleman and lady named Mr. and Mrs. Weems,
+      respectively, living at 1063 Railroad Ave., wishing to invite a
+      gentleman named Mr. Cleek to dinner, would send him the following
+      engraved invitation:
+
+          MR. AND MRS. LIONEL THONG WEEMS
+          _request the pleasure of_
+          MR. WALLACE TILFORD CLEEK’S
+          _company at dinner
+          on Tuesday January the tenth
+          at half after seven o’clock_
+          1063 Railroad Avenue.
+
+      This invitation would of course be worded differently for
+      different circumstances, such as, for example, if the name of the
+      people giving the party wasn’t Weems or if they didn’t live at
+      1063 Railroad Ave., or if they didn’t have any intention of
+      giving a dinner party on that particular evening.
+
+      Many prospective hostesses prefer to send written notes instead
+      of the engraved invitation, especially if the dinner is to be
+      fairly informal. This sort of invitation should, however, be
+      extremely simple. I think that most well-informed hostesses would
+      agree that the following is too verbose:
+
+  DEAR MR. BURPEE.
+  It would give us great pleasure if you would dine with us on Monday
+  next at seven-thirty. By the way, did you know that Mr. Sheldon died
+  yesterday of pneumonia? Cordially, ESTELLE G. BESSERABO.
+
+      For receptions in honor of noted guests, word the invitation in
+      this manner:
+
+          MR. AND MRS. CORNELIUS VANDERBILT
+          _request the pleasure of your company
+          on Friday evening February sixth
+          from nine to twelve_
+          AT DELMONICO’S
+          to meet Asst. Fire-Chief CHARLEY SCHMIDT and
+          Mrs. SCHMIDT
+
+      Invitations to graduating exercises are worded thus:
+
+     THE SENIOR CLASS
+     of the
+     SOUTH ROCHESTER FEMALE DENTAL INSTITUTE
+     requests the honor of your presence at the
+     Commencement Exercises
+     _on Tuesday evening, June the fifth
+     at eight o’clock_
+     MASONIC OPERA HOUSE
+     _“That Six” Orchestra._
+
+      ACCEPTANCES AND REGRETS
+
+      Responses to invitations usually take the form of “acceptances”
+      or “regrets.” It is never correct, for example, to write the
+      following sort of note:
+
+  DEAR MRS. CRONICK:
+  Your invitation for the 12th inst. received and in reply would advise
+  that I am not at the present time in a position to signify whether or
+  not I can accept. Could you at your convenience furnish me with
+  additional particulars re the proposed affair—number of guests,
+  character of refreshments, size of orchestra, etc.? Awaiting an early
+  reply, I am, Yours truly, ALFRED CASS NAPE.
+
+      If one wishes to attend the party, one “accepts” on a clean sheet
+      of note-paper with black ink from a “fountain” pen or inkwell. A
+      hostess should not, however, make the mistake of thinking that a
+      large number of “acceptances” implies that anybody really wishes
+      to attend her party.
+
+      The following is a standard form of acceptance:
+
+  Dr. Tanner accepts with pleasure the kind invitation of Mrs.
+  Frederick Cummings Bussey for Thursday evening, December twelfth, at
+  half after eight.
+
+      This note need not be signed. The following “acceptance” is
+      decidedly demode:
+
+  DEAR MRS. ASTOR:
+  Will I be at your ball? Say, can a duck swim? Count on me sure.      
+                  FRED.
+
+      It is also incorrect and somewhat boorish to write “accepted”
+      across the face of the invitation and return it signed to the
+      hostess.
+
+      If one does not care to attend the party, one often sends one’s
+      “regrets” although one just as often sends one’s “acceptances,”
+      depending largely upon the social position of one’s hostess. The
+      proper form of “regret” is generally as follows:
+
+  Alice Ben Bolt regrets that she will be unable to accept the kind
+  invitation of Major General and Mrs. Hannafield for Wednesday evening
+  at half after eight.
+
+      Sometimes it is better to explain in some manner the cause of the
+      “regret,” as for example:
+
+  Alice Ben Bolt regrets that, owing to an ulcerated tooth in the left
+  side of her mouth, and severe neuralgic pains all up and down her
+  left side, she will be unable to accept the kind invitation of Major
+  General and Mrs. Hannafield for Wednesday evening at half after
+  eight, at “The Bananas.”
+
+      This is not, however, always necessary.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Etiquette without Tears, Mother’s Artful Aid _This is an admirable
+picture with which to test the “kiddies’” knowledge of good manners at
+a dinner table. It will also keep them occupied as a puzzle picture
+since the “faux pas” illustrated herewith will probably not be apparent
+to the little ones except after careful examination. If, however, they
+have been conscientiously trained it will not be long, before the
+brighter ones discover that the spoon has been incorrectly left
+standing in the cup, that the coffee is being served from the right
+instead of the left side, and that the lettering of the motto on the
+wall too nearly resembles the German style to be quite “au fait” in the
+home of any red-blooded American citizen._
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Illustrating the Inestimable Value of Stewart’s Lightning Calculation
+_Dessert has been reached and the gentleman in the picture is
+perspiring freely—in itself a deplorable breach of etiquette. He has
+been attempting all evening to engage the ladies on either side of him
+in conversation on babies, Camp’s Reducing Exercises, politics, Camp’s
+Developing Exercises, music or Charlie Chaplin, only to be rebuffed by
+a haughty chin on the one hand and a cold shoulder on the other. If he
+had taken the precaution to consult Stewart’s Lightning Calculator of
+Dinner Table Conversation (one of the many aids to social success to be
+found in_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR) _he would have realized the bad taste
+characterizing his choice of topics and would not have made himself a
+marked figure at this well-appointed dinner table._
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER NINE: THE ETIQUETTE OF DINNERS AND BALLS
+
+
+      FORMAL DINNERS IN AMERICA
+
+      Eating is an extremely old custom and has been practiced by the
+      better classes of society almost without interruption from
+      earliest times. And “society,” like the potentate of the parable
+      whose touch transformed every object into gold, has embellished
+      and adorned the all-too-common habit of eating, until there has
+      been evolved throughout the ages that most charming and exquisite
+      product of human culture—the formal dinner party. The gentleman
+      of today who delightedly dons his dress suit and escorts into a
+      ten-course dinner some lady mountain climber or other celebrity,
+      is probably little aware of what he owes to his forefathers for
+      having so painstakingly devised for him such a pleasant method of
+      spending his time.
+
+      But “before one runs, one must learn to walk”—and the joys of the
+      dinner-party are not to be partaken of without a long preliminary
+      course of training, as many a young man has learned to his sorrow
+      when he discovered that his inelegant use of knife and fork was
+      causing humorous comment up and down the “board” and was drawing
+      upon himself the haughty glances of an outraged hostess. The
+      first requisite of success in dining out is the possession of a
+      complete set of correct table manners—and these, like anything
+      worth while, can be achieved only by patient study and daily
+      practise.
+
+      TABLE MANNERS FOR CHILDREN
+
+      AS a matter of fact, it is never too early to begin to acquire
+      the technique of correct eating, and the nursery is the best
+      possible place for the first lessons in dining-room behavior.
+      Children should be taught at an early age the fundamentals of
+      “table” manners in such a way that by the time they have reached
+      the years of manhood the correct use of knife, fork, spoon and
+      fingerbowl is to them almost second nature. But the parents
+      should remember, above everything else, to instruct their
+      children in such a way that the pupil takes pleasure in his
+      lessons. This is the method which is employed today in every
+      successful school or “kindergarten”; this is the method which
+      really produces satisfactory results.
+
+      Thus, for example, if you are a father and your boy Edward
+      persists in bringing his pet tadpole to the table in a glass jar,
+      you should not punish or scold him; a much more effective and
+      graphic method of correcting this habit would be for you to
+      suddenly pick up the tadpole one day at luncheon and swallow it.
+      No whipping or scolding would so impress upon the growing boy the
+      importance of the fact that the dinner table is not the place for
+      pets.
+
+      Another effective way of teaching table manners to children
+      consists in making up attractive games about the various lessons
+      to be learned. Thus, whenever you have guests for dinner, the
+      children can play “Boner” which consists in watching the visitor
+      closely all during the meal in order to catch him in any
+      irregularity in table etiquette. As soon as the guest has
+      committed a mistake, the first Child to discover it points his
+      finger at him and shouts, “Pulled a Boner, Pulled a Boner!” and
+      the boy or girl who discovers the greatest number of “Boners”
+      during the evening is rewarded with a prize, based on the
+      following table of points:
+
+ If the guest has dirty hands, 5 points.
+ If the guest uses wrong fork or spoon, 5 points.
+ If the guest chokes on bone, 8 points.
+ If the guest blows on soup, 5 points.
+ If the guest drops fork or spoon, 3 points.
+ If the guest spills soup on table, 10 points.
+ If the guest spills soup on self, 1 point.
+
+      Of course it is often well to tell the guests about the game in
+      advance in order that they may not feel embarrassed but will
+      enter thoroughly into the spirit of this helpful sport.
+
+      A CHILD’S GARDEN OF ETIQUETTE
+
+      Children can also acquire knowledge more easily if it is imparted
+      to them in the form of verse or easy rhymes, and many valuable
+      facts about the dinner table can be embodied in children’s
+      verses. A few of these which I can remember from my own happy
+      childhood are as follows:
+
+ Oh, wouldn’t it be jolly
+ To be a nice _hors d’œuvre_
+ And just bring joy to people
+ Whom fondest you were of.
+
+ Soup is eaten with a spoon
+ But not to any haunting tune.
+
+ Oysters live down in the sea
+ In zones both temp. and torrid,
+ And when they are good they are very good indeed,
+ And when they are bad they are horrid.
+
+ My papa makes a lovely Bronx
+ With gin so rare and old,
+ And two of them will set you right
+ But four will knock you cold.
+
+ The boys with Polly will not frolic
+ Because she’s eaten too much garlic.
+ Mama said the other day,
+ “A little goes a long, long way.”
+
+ A wind came up out of the sea
+ And said, “Those dams are not for me.”
+
+ Uncle Frank choked on a bone
+ From eating shad _au gratin_
+ Aunt Ethel said it served him right
+ And went back to her flat in
+     NEWARK (spoken)
+     Poor Uncle Frank! (chanted)
+
+ I love my little finger bowl
+ So full of late filet of sole.
+
+ Cousin George at lunch one day
+ Remarked, “That apple looks quite tasty.
+ Now George a dentist’s bill must pay
+ Because he was so very hasty.
+ The proverb’s teachings we must hold
+ “All that glitters is not gold.”
+ And mama said to George, “Oh, shoot,
+ You’ve gone and ruined my glass fruit.”
+
+ Jim broke bread into his soup,
+ Jim knocked Mrs. Vanderbilt for a loop.
+ Kate drank from her finger bowl,
+ Kate knocked Mrs. Vanderbilt for a goal.
+ Children who perform such tricks
+ Are socially in Class G-6.
+
+      ETIQUETTE IN THE SCHOOL
+
+      Of course, as the children become older, the instruction should
+      gradually come to embrace all forms of correct behaviour, and the
+      youthful games and rhymes should give way to the more complex and
+      intricate problems of mature social etiquette. It is suggested
+      that the teachings during this period may be successfully
+      combined with the young gentleman’s or lady’s other schoolroom
+      studies; in the case of mathematics, for example, the instruction
+      might be handled in somewhat the following manner:
+
+      _A Problem in Mathematics (7th grade)_
+
+      _A swimmer starts across a stream which is 450 yards wide. He
+      swims for five minutes at the rate of three miles per hour, and
+      for three minutes at the rate of four miles per hour. He then
+      reaches the other bank, where he sees a young lady five feet ten
+      inches tall, walking around a tree, in a circle the circumference
+      of which is forty-two yards._
+
+  _A. What is the diameter of the circle?
+  B. How fast is the current flowing in the stream?
+  C. At what point would the swimmer land if there were no current
+  in the stream?
+  D. At what point does the swimmer actually land?
+  E. But suppose that he has no bathing suit on?_
+
+      And so, when the young person has reached the age for his first
+      formal dinner party, he will undoubtedly be able to handle the
+      fundamentals of correct etiquette in a satisfactory manner. But,
+      as in every sport or profession, there are certain
+      refinements—certain niceties which come only after long
+      experience—and it is with a view of helping the ambitious
+      diner-out to master these more complex details, that I suggest
+      that he study carefully the following “unwritten laws” which
+      govern every dinner party.
+
+      In the first place, a guest is supposed tacitly to consent to the
+      menu which the hostess has arranged, and the diner-out who makes
+      a habit of saying “Squab, you know, never agrees with me—I wonder
+      if I might have a couple of poached eggs,” is apt to find that
+      such squeamishness does not pay in the long run.
+
+      Practical jokes are never countenanced at a formal affair of this
+      sort. I do not mean that a certain amount of good-natured fun is
+      out of place, but such “stunts” as pulling the hostess’ chair out
+      from under her—or gleefully kicking the shins of your neighbor
+      under the table and shouting “Guess who?”—are decidedly among the
+      “non-ests” of correct modern dinner-table behaviour.
+
+      Then, too, it is now distinctly bad form to practise legerdemain
+      or feats of sleight-of-hand at a dinner party. Time was when it
+      was considered correct for a young man who could do card or other
+      tricks to add to the gayety of the party by displaying his skill,
+      but that time is past, and the guest of today, who thinks to make
+      a “hit” by pulling a live rabbit or a potted plant from the back
+      of the mystified hostess or one of the butlers, is in reality
+      only making a “fool” of himself if he only knew it. The same
+      “taboo” also holds good as concerns feats of juggling and no
+      hostess of today will, I am sure, ever issue a second invitation
+      to a young man who has attempted to enliven her evening by
+      balancing, on his nose, a knife, a radish, a plate of soup and a
+      lighted candle. “Cleverness” is a valuable asset but only up to a
+      certain point, and I know of one unfortunately “clever” young
+      chap who almost completely ruined a promising social career by
+      the unexpected failure of one of his pet juggling tricks and the
+      consequent dumping of a large dish of mashed potatoes on the head
+      of a vice-president of the Equitable Trust Company. Besides,
+      people almost always distrust “clever” persons.
+
+      It does not “do,” either, to “ride your hobby” at a dinner party,
+      and the real truth as to the cause of the sudden social ostracism
+      of young Freddie H——, a New York clubman of some years ago (now
+      happily deceased), is that on one occasion this young fellow, who
+      had developed a craze for marksmanship amounting almost to a
+      mania, very nearly ruined a dinner party given by a prominent
+      Boston society matron by attempting to shoot the whiskers off a
+      certain elderly gentleman, who happened to be a direct descendant
+      of John Smith and Priscilla Alden.
+
+      It might also be remarked that the possession of certain physical
+      gifts—such as the ability to wriggle one’s ears or do the
+      “splits”—is in itself no “open sesame” to lasting social success.
+      “Slow and sure” is a good rule for the young man to follow, and
+      although he may somewhat enviously watch his more brilliant
+      colleagues as they gain momentary applause by their ability to
+      throw their thumbs out of joint or squirt water through a hole in
+      their front teeth, yet he may console himself with the thought
+      that “the race is not always to the swift” and that “Rome was not
+      built in a day.” The gifts of this world have been distributed
+      fairly equally, and you may be sure that the young girl who has
+      been born a ventriloquist very likely is totally unable to spell
+      difficult words correctly or carry even a simple tune.
+      Ventriloquism, by the way, is also passing out as a form of
+      dinner party diversion, and it is no longer considered a
+      priceless accomplishment to be able to make a dog bark or a baby
+      cry under the hostess’s chair.
+
+      CONVERSATION AT DINNER
+
+      Gradually, however, conversation—real conversation—is coming into
+      its own as the favorite pastime of dinner guests, and the young
+      man or lady who can keep the conversational “ball” rolling is
+      coming more and more into demand. Good conversationalists are, I
+      fear, born and not made—but by study and practise any ambitious
+      young man can probably acquire the technique, and, with time,
+      mould himself into the kind of person upon whom hostesses depend
+      for the success of their party. As an aid in this direction I
+      have prepared the following chart which I would advise all my
+      readers to cut out and paste in some convenient place so that at
+      their next dinner party it can be readily consulted.
+
+      STEWART’S LIGHTNING CALCULATOR OF DINNER TABLE CONVERSATION
+
+      This chart divides the dinner into its various courses, and under
+      each course is given what I call an “opening sentence,” together
+      with your partner’s probable reply and the topic which is then
+      introduced for discussion. And, most valuable of all, under each
+      such topic I have listed certain helpful facts which will enable
+      you to prolong the conversation along those lines until the
+      arrival of the next course, and the consequent opening of another
+      field for discussion. The chart follows:
+
+      I. _Cocktails._
+
+      You say to the partner on your right: “What terrible gin!” She
+      (he) replies: “Perfectly ghastly.” This leads to a discussion of:
+      Some Aspects of Alcohol. Helpful Facts:
+
+      1. An oyster soaked in alcohol becomes quite rigid in eleven
+      minutes.
+
+      2. Senator Volstead was born Sept. 4, 1869.
+
+      3. Alcohol, if taken in too great quantities, often produces
+      internal disorders.
+
+      II. _Oysters._
+
+      You say to the partner on your right: “Think of being an oyster!”
+
+      She (he) replies: “How perfectly ghastly.”
+
+      This leads to a discussion of: Home Life of Oysters.
+
+      Helpful Facts:
+
+      1. The average life of an oyster is 38 days, 11 hours.
+
+      2. Polygamy is practised among certain classes of oysters.
+
+      3. The first oyster was eaten by Ossip Gatch, a Pole (d. 1783).
+
+      III. _Fish._
+
+      You say to the partner at your right: “Do you enjoy fish?”
+
+      She (he) replies: “I simply adore fish.”
+
+      This leads to a discussion of: Fish—Then, and Now.
+
+      Helpful Facts:
+
+      1. Fish make notoriously bad pets, whereas seals can be taught to
+      do many novel tricks.
+
+      2. Gloucester (Mass.) smells badly in summer.
+
+      3. Gloucester (Mass.) smells badly in winter.
+
+      IV. _Meat._
+
+      You say to the partner at your right: “Have you ever been through
+      the Stock-Yards?”
+
+      She (he) replies: “No.” (“Yes.”)
+
+      This leads to a discussion of: “The Meat Industry in America.”
+
+      Helpful Facts:
+
+      1. Every time a street car goes over the Brooklyn Bridge, a steer
+      is killed in Chicago—and oftener.
+
+      2. Raw beefsteak in quantities is harmful to children under two
+      years of age.
+
+      3. A man died recently in Topeka, Kansas, weighing 312 pounds.
+
+      4. Many prominent people live on the North Side of Chicago.
+
+      V. _Salad._
+
+      You say to the partner at your right: “What is your favorite
+      salad?”
+
+      She (he) replies: “I don’t know, what’s yours?”
+
+      This leads to a discussion of: Favorite Things.
+
+      Helpful Facts:
+
+      1. Richard Barthelmess is married.
+
+      2. B. V. D. stands for “Best Value Delivered.”
+
+      3. Amy Lowell is fond of cigars.
+
+      _VI. Dessert._
+
+      You say to the partner at your right: “I love ice cream.”
+
+      She (he) replies: “So do I.”
+
+      This leads to a discussion of: Love.
+
+      Helpful Facts:
+
+      1. New York is the hardest state in which to get a divorce in
+      America.
+
+      2. Dr. Sigmund Freud is now living in Vienna, Austria.
+
+      3. D. H. Lawrence has a black beard.
+
+      BALLS AND DANCES
+
+      In order to succeed in the modern ballroom, and especially in the
+      ballrooms of our exclusive country clubs, a young gentleman or
+      lady of fashion must today be possessed of the following two
+      requisites: i. A “Line.” 2. A closed car. The latter of these
+      “sine qua nons” is now owned as a matter of course by most
+      families and is no longer regarded as a mark of distinction. The
+      former requisite, however, is not so common, but it is
+      nevertheless true that any young person with ambition and a good
+      memory can eventually acquire a quite effective “Line.” It is a
+      great aid in this direction if one happens to have spent a year
+      or more at one of our leading eastern universities or “finishing
+      schools.” These vary, of course, in degree of excellence, but it
+      does not pay to be dogmatic on this subject, and to those who
+      would insist that the Princeton “Line” is more effective than the
+      Harvard ditto, or that the Westover “Line” flows more smoothly
+      than that of Farmington or Spence, one can only say “De gustibus
+      non disputandum est.” “Lines” vary also in accordance with the
+      different types of girls who happen to be using them, and (to
+      misquote a rather vulgar proverb) “What is one girl’s food may be
+      another girl’s poison.” Thus it happens that the “Line” which is
+      most universally and interminably employed by the “beautiful”
+      type of girl (consisting, in its entirety, of the three words
+      “How perfectly priceless”) would never in the world do for the
+      young miss whose chief asset is a kind heart or a love for really
+      good books.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A Word of Warning and Encouragement _The above diagram (one of man),
+filling the instructive and refined pages of_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR, _will
+serve as a model to any debutante or dancing man who seriously sets out
+to achieve social eminence. It is only fair to warn aspirants that
+rigid adherence to the formula is essential and that any slight
+slackening of the pace is likely to prove fatal. On the other hand, we
+confidently guarantee complete success to those who, in reverence and
+faith, keep the final goal always in sight. His (or hers) be it to keep
+the sacred flame burning and to pass the torch along from father to
+son, from mother to daughter till the end of time, or so long as they
+do not make any mesalliances, which is just as important in America,
+whatever may be said to the contrary, as among our “English cousins.”_
+
+      MIXED DANCING
+
+      Another quality which is often helpful on the dance floor,
+      especially to girls, is the ability to dance. This seems to have
+      become largely a trick of keeping abreast of the latest “mode”
+      and while, personally, I greatly regret the passing of the
+      stately lancers and other dignified “round dances,” yet, if
+      “mixed dancing” has come to stay, it is the duty of every young
+      person to learn to dance as well as possible in the generally
+      accepted manner, even though this often involves some
+      compromising of one’s _amour propre_.
+
+      But in addition to all these necessary qualifications the really
+      great person—the true super man or woman of the ballroom—must be
+      possessed of that certain divine something, that _je ne sais
+      quoi_ ability to rise superior to all occasions, to overcome the
+      most difficult situations, which has distinguished the great men
+      and women of all ages. Joan of Arc had it, George Washington had
+      it, Napoleon had it—and I venture to say that any of these three,
+      had they lived today, Would have been a social success. But
+      perhaps this fact can best be illustrated by taking a typical
+      instance in the ballroom in which “When duty whispered low ‘Thou
+      must,’ the youth replied ‘I can.’”
+
+      HINTS FOR STAGS
+
+      Let us suppose, for example, that you are a young man who has
+      been invited to a dance to be given at the East Shore Country
+      Club. It is your original intention, let us say, to attend as a
+      “stag,” but on the afternoon of the party you receive a note from
+      a young lady of your acquaintance asking if you would be so kind
+      as to accompany to the ball a guest of hers, a “sweet girl from
+      South Orange” who was in her class at college.
+
+      The correct costume for a dance of this sort is usually a dinner
+      coat with a black or white vest, and when you have robed yourself
+      correctly, you should drive in your car to the young lady’s home.
+      There you are presented to the sweet girl from South Orange, who
+      is six feet tall and has protruding teeth. After the customary
+      words of greeting and a few brief bits of pleasantry, you set off
+      with your partner for the dance.
+
+      Arrived at the East Shore Club, you find the party in “full
+      swing,” and after shaking hands with your host and hostess, you
+      should ask your partner if she would care to dance.
+
+      The first three times that she steps on your left foot, you
+      should politely murmur, “My fault.” But when she begins to sing
+      in your ear it is proper to steer her over toward the “stag line”
+      in order to petition for an injunction or a temporary restraining
+      order.
+
+      The “stag line” consists of a group of the wisest, shrewdest and
+      most hard-hearted young men ever gathered together under one
+      roof. The original purpose of a “stag line” was to provide a
+      place where unattached young men might stand while searching for
+      a partner, but the institution has now come to be a form of
+      Supreme Court, passing life or death sentence upon the various
+      debutantes who pass before it.
+
+      After you have piloted your partner five times along the length
+      of this line you have a pretty fair idea as to her merits or
+      demerits, and, in this particular case, you have a pretty fair
+      idea as to just what the evening holds out for you. When the
+      music stops you should therefore lead the girl over to a chair
+      and ask to be allowed to bring her a glass of punch.
+
+      Instead of going directly to the punch bowl, you should turn your
+      steps toward the “stag line.” There you will find several young
+      men whom only as late as that afternoon you counted among your
+      very best friends, but who do not, at the present, seem to
+      remember ever having met you before. Seizing the arm of one of
+      these you say, “Tom, I want you to meet——” That is as far as you
+      will get, for Tom will suddenly interrupt you by remarking,
+      “Excuse me a minute, Ed—, I see a girl over there I’ve simply got
+      to speak to. I’ll come right back.”
+
+      He will not come right back. He will not come back at all. And
+      after you have met with the same response from four other
+      so-called friends, you should return to the South Orange visitor
+      and “carry on.”
+
+      At the end of the second hour, however, your mind should begin to
+      clear, and if you are at all possessed of the qualifications for
+      future ballroom leadership, you should gradually throw off the
+      slough of despond and determine to make a fight for life, liberty
+      and the pursuit of happiness. And when the music has once more
+      ceased, you should ask your partner if she would not care to take
+      a jaunt in the open air.
+
+      “I know a lovely walk,” you should say, “across a quaint old
+      bridge.”
+
+      The rest is, of course, easy. Arrived in the middle of the quaint
+      old bridge, which leads across a cavern some three hundred feet
+      deep, you should quickly seize the tall college graduate, and
+      push her, not too roughly or ungentlemanly, off the bridge.
+
+      And, if you are really a genius, and not merely “one of the
+      crowd” you will return to the ballroom and, going up to the young
+      lady who was responsible for your having met the sweet girl from
+      South Orange, you will offer her your arm, and smile invitingly.
+
+      “I know a lovely walk,” you will say, “across a quaint old
+      bridge.”
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Perfect Behavior, by Donald Ogden Stewart
+
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