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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/1446-0.txt b/1446-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..9b82a9d --- /dev/null +++ b/1446-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4764 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Perfect Behavior, by Donald Ogden Stewart + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most +other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions +whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of +the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at +www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have +to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. + +Title: Perfect Behavior + A Guide for Ladies and Gentlemen in all Social Crises + +Author: Donald Ogden Stewart + +Illustrator: Ralph Barton + +Release Date: September, 1998 [EBook #1446] +[Most recently updated: February 14, 2020] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PERFECT BEHAVIOR *** + + + + +Produced by Charles Keller, and David Widger + + + + +Perfect Behavior + +by Donald Ogden Stewart + +Illustrated by Ralph Barton + +A Guide for Ladies and Gentlemen in all Social Crises + +[Illustration] + +Those who are not self-possessed obtrude +and pain us.—EMERSON + +A parody outline of etiquette by the Author of “A Parody +Outline of History” + +The perfect gentleman is he who never unintentionally causes +pain.—OLD PROVERB + + + TO THE BRIDEGROOM WHOSE WEDDING WAS RUINED + BECAUSE THE BRIDE CAME DOWN THE AISLE + ON THE RIGHT INSTEAD OF THE LEFT + ARM OF HER FATHER + _With Deepest Sympathy_ + +Contents + + CHAPTER ONE: THE ETIQUETTE OF COURTSHIP + CHAPTER TWO: THE ETIQUETTE OF ENGAGEMENTS AND WEDDINGS + CHAPTER THREE: THE ETIQUETTE OF TRAVEL + CHAPTER FOUR: AT THE CONCERT AND THE OPERA + CHAPTER FIVE: ETIQUETTE FOR DRY AGENTS + CHAPTER SIX: A CHAPTER FOR SCHOOLGIRLS + CHAPTER SEVEN: THE ETIQUETTE OF GAMES AND SPORTS + CHAPTER EIGHT: CORRESPONDENCE AND INVITATIONS + CHAPTER NINE: THE ETIQUETTE OF DINNERS AND BALLS + + + CONTENTS + +I. THE ETIQUETTE OF COURTSHIP A Few Words about Love—Curious Incident +in a Yellow Taxicab—A Silly Girl—Correct Introductions and how to Make +Them—A Well Known Congressman’s Ludicrous Mistake in a Turkish +Bath—Cards and Flowers—Flowers and their Message in Courtship—“A Clean +Tooth Never Decays”—Receiving an Invitation to Call—The Etiquette of +Telephoning-A Telephone Girl’s Horrible End—Making the First +Call—Conversation and Some of its Uses—A Proper Call—The Proposal +Proper-The Proposal Improper—What Henry Wadsworth Longfellow Said to +the ex-Clergyman’s Niece. + +II. THE ETIQUETTE OF ENGAGEMENTS AND WEDDINGS The Historic +Aspect—Announcing the Engagement—A Breton Fisher Girl’s Experience with +a Traveling Salesman—The Bride-to-Be—The Engagement Luncheon—Selecting +the Bridal Party—Invitations and Wedding Presents—A Good Joke on the +Groom—“Madam, those are my trousers”—Duties of the Best Man—A Demented +Taxidermist’s Strange Gift—The Bride’s Tea—The Maid of Honor—What Aunt +Edna Saw on the Club Porch-The Bachelor Dinner and After-Some Practical +Uses for Bi-Carbonate of Soda—The Rehearsal—The Bridal Dinner—A Church +Wedding. + +III. THE ETIQUETTE OF TRAVEL Hints for the Correct +Pedestrianism—Description of a Walk around Philadelphia with a Pueblo +Indian in 1837—Travelling by Rail— Good Form on a Street Car—In the +Subway—Fun with an Old Gentleman’s Whiskers—A Honeymoon in a +Subway—Travelling under Steam-A Correct Night in a Pullman-What Burton +Holmes Found in His Lower Berth. + +IV. AT THE CONCERT AND THE OPERA Listening to a Symphony +Orchestra—Curious Effect of Debussy’s “Apres-midi d’un Faune” and four +gin fizzes on Uncle Frederick—“No, fool like an old fool”—Correct +Behavior at a Piano Recital—Choosing One’s Nearest Exit—In a Box at the +Opera—What a Kansas City Society Leader Did with Her Old Victrola +Records. + +V. ETIQUETTE FOR DRY AGENTS Some Broader Aspects of +Prohibition—Interesting Effect of Whisky on Goldfish—The College +Graduate as Dry Agent—Aunt Emily’s Amusing Experiences with a Quart of +Gin Planning a Dry Raid on a Masquerade Ball A Word About Correct +Costumes—A California Motion Picture Actress’s Bad Taste—Good Form for +Dry Agents During a Raid-What the New York Clubman Said About Mr. +Volstead. + +VI. A CHAPTER FOR SCHOOLGIRLS Selecting a Proper School—Account of an +Interesting Trip Down the Eric Canal with Miss Spence—Correct Equipment +for the Schoolgirl—En Route—ln New York—A journey Around the +City—Description of the Visit of Ed. Pinaud to the Aquarium in 1858—The +First Days in the New School—“After Lights” in a Dormitory—An “Old +Schoolgirl’s” Confessions—Becoming Acclimatized—A Visitor from +Princeton-Strange Pets. + +VII. THE ETIQUETTE OF GAMES AND SPORTS Golf as a Pastime—What Henry +Ward Beecher Said When He Broke His Niblic—An Afternoon at the Old Farm +with the Dice—“Shoot you for your ear trumpet, grandfather!”—Correct +Behavior on a Picnic—A Swedish Nobleman’s Curious Method of Eating +Potato Chips—Boxing in American Society—A Good Joke on an Amateur +Boxer—“He didn’t know it was Jack Dempsey!”—Bridge Whist—Formal and +Informal Drinking—A jolly Hallowe’en Party—Invitations—Receiving the +Guests—How to Mystify—Games. + +VIII. CORRESPONDENCE AND INVITATIONS Correspondence for Young +Ladies—College Boys How to Order a Full Dress Suit by Mail—Letters to +Parents—A Prominent Retired Bank President’s Advice to +Correspondents—Letters from Parents—Peculiarities of the Divorce Laws +of New York—Letters to Prospective Fathers-in-Law—A Correct Form of +Letter to a Society Matron Asking Her How About that Grocery Bill for +Eighty-Two Dollars and Sixty-Seven Cents—Love Letters—Correspondence of +Public Officials—-Letters to Strangers—Letters to Newspapers, +Magazines, etc.—Invitations, Acceptances and Regrets. + +IX. THE ETIQUETTE OF DINNERS AND BALLS Formal Dinners in America-Table +Manners for Children—Removing Stains from Gray Silk—A Child’s Garden of +Etiquette—Etiquette in the School—Conversation at Dinner—What a New +Jersey Lady Did with Her Olive Seeds—Stewart’s Lightning Calculator of +Dinner Table Conversation—“It Seems that Pat and Mike”—Balls and +Dances—-Artificial Respiration—Mixed Dancing—Hints for Stags. A Word of +Warning and Encouragement + + + + +CHAPTER ONE: THE ETIQUETTE OF COURTSHIP + + + A FEW WORDS ABOUT LOVE + + Courtship is one of the oldest of social customs, even antedating + in some countries such long-established usages as marriage, or + the wearing of white neckties with full evening dress. The + beginnings of the etiquette of courtship were apparently + connected in some way with the custom of “love” between the + sexes, and many of the old amatory forms still survive in the + modern courtship. It is generally agreed among students of the + history of etiquette that when “love” first began to become + popular among the better class of younger people they took to it + with such avidity that it was necessary to devise some sort of + rules for the conduct of formal or informal love-making. These + rules, together with various amendments, now constitute the + etiquette of courtship. + + Suppose, for example, that you are a young gentleman named + Richard Roe desirous of entering upon a formal courtship with + some refined young girl of fashion. You are also, being a college + graduate, engaged in the bond business. One morning there comes + into your financial institution a young lady, named Dorothy Doe, + who at once attracts your attention by her genteel manners, as + exemplified by the fact that she calls the president of your + company “father.” So many young people seem to think it “smart” + to refer to their parents as “dad” or “my old man”; you are + certain, as soon as you hear her say “Hello, father” to your + employer, that she is undoubtedly a worthy object of courtship. + + CORRECT INTRODUCTIONS; HOW TO MAKE THEM + + Your first step should be, of course, the securing of an + introduction. Introductions still play an important part in + social intercourse, and many errors are often perpetrated by + those ignorant of _savoir faire_ (correct form). When introducing + a young lady to a stranger for example, it is not _au fait_ + (correct form) to simply say, “Mr. Roe, I want you to shake hands + with my friend Dorothy.” Under the rules of the _beau monde_ + (correct form) this would probably be done as follows: “Dorothy + (or Miss Doe), shake hands with Mr. Roe.” Always give the name of + the lady first, unless you are introducing some one to the + President of the United States, the Archbishop of Canterbury, a + member of the nobility above a baron, or a customer. The person + who is being “introduced” then extends his (or her) right + ungloved hand and says, “Shake.” You “shake,” saying at the same + time, “It’s warm (cool) for November (May),” to which the other + replies, “I’ll say it is.” + + This brings up the interesting question of introducing two people + to each other, neither of whose names you can remember. This is + generally done by saying very quickly to one of the parties, “Of + course you know Miss Unkunkunk.” Say the last “unk” very quickly, + so that it sounds like any name from Ab to Zinc. You might even + sneeze violently. Of course, in nine cases out of ten, one of the + two people will at once say, “I didn’t get the name,” at which + you laugh, “Ha! Ha! Ha!” in a carefree manner several times, + saying at the same time, “Well, well—so you didn’t get the + name—you didn’t get the name—well, well.” If the man still + persists in wishing to know who it is to whom he is being + introduced, the best procedure consists in simply braining him on + the spot with a club or convenient slab of paving stone. + + The “introduction,” in cases where you have no mutual friend to + do the introducing, is somewhat more difficult but can generally + be arranged as follows: + + Procure a few feet of stout manila rope or clothes-line, from any + of the better-class hardware stores. Ascertain (from the Social + Register, preferably) the location of the young lady’s residence, + and go there on some dark evening about nine o’clock. Fasten the + rope across the sidewalk in front of the residence about six + inches or a foot from the ground. Then, with the aid of a match + and some kerosene, set fire to the young lady’s house in several + places and retire behind a convenient tree. After some time, if + she is at home, she will probably be forced to run out of her + house to avoid being burned to death. In her excitement she will + fail to notice the rope which you have stretched across the + sidewalk and will fall. This is your opportunity to obtain an + introduction. Stepping up to her and touching your hat politely, + you say, in a well modulated voice, “I beg your pardon, Miss Doe, + but I cannot help noticing that you are lying prone on the + sidewalk.” If she is well bred, she will not at first speak to + you, as you are a perfect stranger. This silence, however, should + be your cue to once more tip your hat and remark, “I realize, + Miss Doe, that I have not had the honor of an introduction, but + you will admit that you are lying prone on the sidewalk. Here is + my card—and here is one for Mrs. Doe, your mother.” At that you + should hand her two plain engraved calling cards, each containing + your name and address. If there are any other ladies in her + family—aunts, grandmothers, et cetera—it is correct to leave + cards for them also. Be sure that the cards are clean, as the + name on the calling card is generally sufficient for + identification purposes without the addition of the thumbprint. + + When she has accepted your cards, she will give you one of hers, + after which it will be perfectly correct for you to assist her to + rise from the sidewalk. Do not, however, press your attentions + further upon her at this time, but after expressing the proper + regret over her misfortune it would be well to bow and retire. + +[Illustration] + +Table Manners Betray One’s Bringing-Up _Every one knows that table +manners betray one’s bringing-up mercilessly. The young man in the +picture has good reason to wish a meteorite would fall on him. His +perpendicularity has just been restored by a deft upward movement of +Aunt Harriet’s shoulder, upon which he had inadvertently rested his +head during a quiet snooze while Cousin Edna was making her little +speech at the Bridal Dinner._ PERFECT BEHAVIOR _would have Pasteurized +him against even Bridal Dinners_. + +[Illustration] + +Hat? Toupee? or Book? _When a woman recognizes and nods to a man to +whom she has been formally introduced several times, or to whom she has +been married, is the man expected to accept the greeting and politely +lift his hat or should he lift both his hat and his toupee? Street +etiquette is disposed authoritatively and finally in_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR. + +[Illustration] + +Park Benches and Their Uses _You are, let us pretend, walking in the +park. You come upon two benches arranged as shown in the above diagram. +Would you know which bench it would be proper to sit on if you are (1) +a young man just out of college—(2) a rather homely young woman? To +avoid embarrassment look this up in_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR. + +[Illustration] + +Travelling with a Player Piano _A jolly crowd is boarding the 4:56 for +a house-party in the suburbs. The gentleman at the right, having been +educated abroad, has never learned to play the ukelele, the banjo, the +jew’s harp or the saxophone, and is, with the best intentions in the +world, attempting to contribute his share to the gaiety of the coming +evenings by bringing along his player-piano. Would you—be honest!—have +recognized his action as a serious social blunder without having +referred to_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR? + +[Illustration] + +A Child, a Banana, A Hard-Boiled Egg _The young mother in the picture +is traveling from one point to another in a Pullman. In the effort to +commit as great a nuisance as possible, she has provided her child with +a banana and a hard boiled egg. Not having dipped into the chapter on +travel in_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR, _she is ignorant of the fact that a peach +would have produced quite as much mess and far more permanent stains +and a folding cup for the water cooler would have spread the +disturbance over a wider area_. + + CARDS AND FLOWERS + + The next day, however, you should send flowers, enclosing another + of your cards. It might be well to write some message on the card + recalling the events of the preceding evening—nothing intimate, + but simply a reminder of your first meeting and a suggestion that + you might possibly desire to continue the acquaintanceship. + Quotations from poetry of the better sort are always appropriate; + thus, on this occasion, it might be nice to write on the card + accompanying the flowers—“‘This is the forest primeval’—H. W. + Longfellow,” or “‘Take, oh take, those lips away’—W. + Shakespeare.” You will find there are hundreds of lines equally + appropriate for this and other occasions, and in this connection + it might be well to display a little originality at times by + substituting pertinent verses of your own in place of the + conventional quotations. For example—“This is the forest + primeval, I regret your last evening’s upheaval,” shows the young + lady in question that not only are you well-read in classic + poetry, but also you have no mean talent of your own. Too much + originality, however, is dangerous, especially in polite social + intercourse, and I need hardly remind you that the floors of the + social ocean are watered with the tears of those who seek to walk + on their own hook. + + Within a week after you have sent the young lady the flowers, you + should receive a polite note of thanks, somewhat as follows: “My + dear Mr. Roe: Those lovely flowers came quite as a surprise. They + are lovely, and I cannot thank you enough for your + thoughtfulness. Their lovely fragrance fills my room as I write, + and I wish to thank you again. It was lovely of you.” + + FLOWERS AND THEIR MESSAGE IN COURTSHIP + + It is now time to settle down to the more serious business of + courtship. Her letter shows beyond the shadow of a figurative + doubt that she is “interested,” and the next move is “up to you.” + Probably she will soon come into the office to see her father, in + which case you should have ready at hand some appropriate gift, + such as, for example, a nice potted geranium. Great care should + be taken, however, that it is a plant of the correct species, for + in the etiquette of courtship all flowers have different meanings + and many a promising affair has been ruined because a suitor sent + his lady a buttercup, meaning “That’s the last dance I’ll ever + take you to, you big cow,” instead of a plant with a more tender + significance. Some of the commoner flowers and their meaning in + courtship are as follows: + + Fringed Gentian—“I am going out to get a shave. Back at 3:30.” + + Poppy—“I would be proud to be the father of your children.” + + Golden-rod—“I hear that you have hay-fever.” + + Tuberose—“Meet me Saturday at the Fourteenth Street subway + station.” + + Blood-root—“Aunt Kitty murdered Uncle Fred Thursday.” + + Dutchman’s Breeches—“That case of Holland gin and Old Tailor has + arrived. Come on over.” + + Iris—“Could you learn to love an optician?” + + Aster—“Who was that stout Jewish-looking party I saw you with in + the hotel lobby Friday?” + + Deadly Nightshade—“Pull down those blinds, quick!” + + Passion Flower—“Phone Main 1249—ask for Eddie.” + + Raspberry—“I am announcing my engagement to Charlie O’Keefe + Tuesday.” + + Wild Thyme—“I have seats for the Hippodrome Saturday afternoon.” + + The above flowers can also be combined to make different + meanings, as, for example, a bouquet composed of three tuberoses + and some Virginia creeper generally signifies the following, “The + reason I didn’t call for you yesterday was that I had three inner + tube punctures, besides a lot of engine trouble in that old car I + bought in Virginia last year. Gosh, I’m sorry!” + + But to return to the etiquette of our present courtship. As Miss + Doe leaves the office you follow her, holding the potted plant in + your left hand. After she has gone a few paces you step up to + her, remove your hat (or cap) with your right hand, and offer her + the geranium, remarking, “I beg your pardon, miss, but didn’t you + drop this?” A great deal depends upon the manner in which you + offer the plant and the way she receives it. If you hand it to + her with the flower pointing upward it means, “Dare I hope?” + Reversed, it signifies, “Your petticoat shows about an inch, or + an inch and a half.” If she receives the plant in her right hand, + it means, “I am”; left hand, “You are”; both hands—“He, she or it + is.” If, however, she takes the pot firmly in both hands and + breaks it with great force on your head, the meaning is usually + negative and your only correct course of procedure is a hasty bow + and a brief apology. + + RECEIVING AN INVITATION TO CALL + + Let us suppose, however, that she accepts the geranium in such a + manner that you are encouraged to continue the acquaintance. Your + next move should be a request for an invitation to call upon her + at her home. This should, above all things, not be done crudely. + It is better merely to suggest your wish by some indirect method + such as, “Oh—so you live on William Street. Well, well! I often + walk on William Street in the evening, but I have never called on + any girl there—_yet_.” The “yet” may be accompanied by a slight + raising of your eyebrows, a wink, or a friendly nudge with your + elbow. Unless she is unusually “dense” she will probably “take + the hint” and invite you to come and see her some evening. At + once you should say, “_What_ evening? How about _to-night_?” If + she says that she is already engaged for that evening, take a + calendar out of your pocket and remark, “Tomorrow? Wednesday? + Thursday? Friday? I really have no engagements between now and + October. Saturday? Sunday?” This will show her that you are + really desirous of calling upon her and she will probably say, + “Well, I think I am free Thursday night, but you had better + telephone me first.” + + THE ETIQUETTE OF TELEPHONING + + On Thursday morning, therefore, you should go to a public + telephone-booth in order to call the young lady’s house. The + etiquette of telephoning is quite important and many otherwise + perfectly well-bred people often make themselves conspicuous + because they do not know the correct procedure in using this + modern but almost indispensable invention. Upon entering the + telephone-booth, which is located, say, in some drug store, you + remove the receiver from the hook and deposit the requisite coin + in the coin box. After an interval of some minutes a young lady + (referred to as “Central”) will ask for your “Number, please.” + Suppose, for example, that you wish to get Bryant 4310. Remove + your hat politely and speak that number into the mouthpiece. + “Central” will then say, “Rhinelander 4310.” To which you reply, + “NO, Central—_Bryant_ 4310.” Central then says, “I beg your + pardon—Bryant 4310,” to which you reply, “Yes, please.” In a few + minutes a voice at the other end of the line says, “Hello,” to + which you answer, “Is Miss Doe at home?” The voice then says, + “Who?” You say, “Miss Doe, please—Miss Dorothy Doe.” You then + hear the following, “Wait a minute. Say, Charlie, is they anybody + works around here by the name of Doe? There’s a guy wants to talk + to a Miss Doe. Here—you answer it.” Another voice then says, + “Hello.” You reply “Hello.” He says, “What do you want?” You + reply, “I wish to speak to Miss Dorothy Doe.” He says, “What + department does she work in?” You reply, “Is this the residence + of J. Franklin Doe, President of the First National Bank?” He + says, “Wait a minute.” You wait a minute. You wait several. + Another voice—a new voice says-“Hello.” You reply “Hello.” He + says, “Give me Stuyvesant 8864.” You say, “But I’m trying to get + Miss Doe—Miss Dorothy Doe.” He says, “Who?” You say, “Is this the + residence of—” He says, “Naw—this is Goebel Brothers, Wholesale + Grocers—what number do you want?” You say, “Bryant 4310.” He + says, “Well, this is Rhinelander 4310.” You then hang up the + receiver and count twenty. The telephone bell then rings, and + inasmuch as you are the only person near the phone you take up + the receiver and say, “Hello.” A female voice, says, “Hello, + dearie—don’t you know who this is?” You say, politely but firmly, + “No.” She says, “Guess!” You guess “Mrs. Warren G. Harding.” She + says, “No. This is Ethel. Is Walter there?” You reply, “Walter?” + She says, “Ask him to come to the phone, will you? He lives + up-stairs over the drug store. Just yell ‘Walter’ at the third + door down the hall. Tell him Ethyl wants to speak to him—no, + wait—tell him it’s Madge.” Being a gentleman, you comply with the + lady’s request. After bringing Walter to the phone, you + obligingly wait for some twenty minutes while he converses with + Ethel—no, Madge. When he has finished, you once more enter the + booth and tell “Central” you want Bryant 4310. After a few + minutes “Central” says, “What number did you call?” You say + patiently, “Bryant 4310.” She replies, “Bryant 4310 has been + changed to Schuyler 6372.” You ask for Schuyler 6372. Finally a + woman’s voice says, “Yass.” You say, “Is Miss Doe in?” She + replies, “Yass.” You say, “May I speak to her?” She says, “Who?” + You reply, “You said Miss Doe was at home, didn’t you?” She + replies, “Yass.” You say, “Well, may I speak to her?” The voice + says, “Who?” You shout, “Miss Doe.” The voice says, “She ban + out.” You shriek, “Oh, go to hell!” and assuming a graceful, easy + position in the booth, you proceed to tear the telephone from the + wall. Later on in the day, when you have two or three hours of + spare time, you can telephone Miss Doe again and arrange for the + evening’s visit. + +[Illustration] + +A Crude Bridegroom _Not realizing his mistake, the Groom stands waiting +for the Bridal Procession, apparently in high spirits and the best of +health. Such an attitude toward a wedding is in the worst possible +taste._ PERFECT BEHAVIOR _tells all about the correct appearance and +conduct of Bridegrooms_. + +[Illustration] + +A Best Man’s Blunder _The Best Man has just been introduced to the Maid +of Honor. Instead of waiting for her to extend her hand and make the +acknowledgment, he has turned on his heel and bolted from the room. +This constitutes a social blunder, after the commission of which he +could never again, in polite society, be considered quite a gentleman_. +PERFECT BEHAVIOR _would have told him how the man of birth and breeding +learns to face anything with perfect “Sang froid.”_ + +[Illustration] + +The Pun “De Rigueur” _The Groom has just presented his Best Man to his +sister, who, though she is more than eager to make every one feel at +home, has failed to make at once the pun “de rigueur” on the words +“best man.” An awkward silence has ensued. What is to be done? Should +one of the gentlemen fill the breach by making the pun for her? If so, +which?_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR _covers the whole subject of making the “best +man” pun authoritatively._ + +[Illustration] + +The Young Man Doesn’t Know How to Drink _The young man at the right +does not know how to drink. Nevertheless, he has been selected by a +friend to act as Best Man at his wedding and has attended the Bachelor +Dinner. Instead of doing what he should do under the circumstances, he +is making himself conspicuous by remaining coherent while the others +sing “Mademoiselle from Alabam’.” Had the Bridegroom provided himself +with a copy of_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR _he would have known better than to +have selected him._ + + MAKING THE FIRST CALL + + The custom of social “calls” between young men and young women is + one of the prettiest of etiquette’s older conventions, and one + around which clusters a romantic group of delightful traditions. + In this day and generation, what with horseless carriages, + electric telephones and telegraphs, and dirigible gas bags, a + great many of the older forms have been allowed to die out, + greatly, I believe, to our discredit. “Speed, not manners,” seems + to be the motto of this century. I hope that there still exist a + few young men who care enough about “good form” to study + carefully to perfect themselves in the art of “calling.” Come, + Tom, Dick and Harry—drop your bicycles for an afternoon and fill + your minds with something besides steam engines and pneumatic + tires! + + The first call at the home of any young lady of fashion is an + extremely important social function, and too great care can not + be taken that you prepare yourself thoroughly in advance. It + would be well to leave your work an hour or two earlier in the + afternoon, so that you can go home and practice such necessary + things as entering or leaving a room correctly. Most young men + are extremely careless in this particular, and unless you + rehearse yourself thoroughly in the proper procedure you are apt + to find later on to your dismay that you have made your exit + through a window onto the fire-escape instead of through the + proper door. + + CONVERSATION AND SOME OF ITS USES + + Your conversation should also be planned more or less in advance. + Select some topic in which you think your lady friend will be + interested, such as, for example, the removal of tonsils and + adenoids, and “read up” on the subject so that you can discuss it + in an intelligent manner. Find out, for example, how many people + had tonsils removed in February, March, April. Contrast this with + the same figures for 1880, 1890, 1900. Learn two or three amusing + anecdotes about adenoids. Consult Bartlett’s “Familiar + Quotations” for appropriate verses dealing with tonsils and + throat troubles. Finally, and above all, take time to glance + through four or five volumes of Dr. Eliot’s Five Foot Shelf, for + nothing so completely marks the cultivated man as the ability to + refer familiarly to the various volumes of the Harvard classics. + + A PROPER CALL + + Promptly at the time appointed you should arrive at the house + where the young lady is staying. In answer to your ring a German + police dog will begin to bark furiously inside the house, and a + maid will finally come to the door. Removing your hat and one + glove, you say, “Is Miss Doe home?” The maid replies, “Yass, ay + tank so.” You give her your card and the dog rushes out and bites + you on either the right or left leg. You are then ushered into a + room in which is seated an old man with a long white beard. He is + fast asleep. “Dot’s grampaw,” says the maid, to which you reply, + “Oh.” She retires, leaving you alone with grampaw. After a while + he opens his eyes and stares at you for a few minutes. He then + says, “Did the dog bite you?” You answer, “Yes, sir.” Grampaw + then says, “He bites everybody,” and goes back to sleep. + Reassured, you light a cigaret. A little boy and girl then come + to the door, and, after examining you carefully for several + minutes, they burst into giggling laughter and run away. You feel + to see if you have forgotten to put on a necktie. A severe + looking old lady then enters the room. You rise and bow. “I am + Miss Doe’s grandmother. Some one has been smoking in here,” she + says, and sits down opposite you. Her remark is not, however, a + hint for a cigaret and you should not make the mistake of saying, + “I’ve only got Fatimas, but if you care to try one—” It should be + your aim to seek to impress yourself favorably upon every member + of the young lady’s family. Try to engage the grandmother in + conversation, taking care to select subjects in which you feel + she would be interested. Conversation is largely the art of + “playing up” to the other person’s favorite subject. In this + particular case, for example, it would be a mistake to say to + Miss Doe’s grandmother, “Have you ever tried making synthetic + gin?” or “Do you think any one will _ever_ lick Dempsey?” A more + experienced person, and some one who had studied the hobbies of + old people, would probably begin by remarking, “Well, I see that + Jeremiah Smith died of cancer Thursday,” or “That was a lovely + burial they gave Mrs. Watts, wasn’t it?” If you are tactful, you + should soon win the old lady’s favor completely, so that before + long she will tell you all about her rheumatism and what grampaw + can and can’t eat. + + Finally Miss Doe arrives. Her first words are, “Have you been + waiting long? Hilda didn’t tell me you were here,” to which you + reply, “No—I just arrived.” She then says, “Shall we go in the + drawing-room?” The answer to this is, “For God’s sake, yes!” In a + few minutes you find yourself alone in the drawing-room with the + lady of your choice and the courtship proper can then begin. + + The best way to proceed is gradually to bring the conversation + around to the subject of the “modern girl.” After your + preliminary remarks about tonsils and adenoids have been + thoroughly exhausted, you should suddenly say, “Well I don’t + think girls—nice girls—are really that way.” She replies, of + course, “_What_ way?” You answer, “Oh, the way they are in these + modern novels. This ‘petting,’ for instance.” She says, “_What_ + petting’?” You walk over and sit down on the sofa beside her. + “Oh,” you say, “these novelists make me sick—they seem to think + that in our generation every time a young man and woman are left + alone on a lounge together, they haven’t a thing better to do + than put out the light and ‘pet.’ It’s disgusting, isn’t it?” + “Isn’t it?” she agrees and reaching over she accidentally pulls + the lamp cord, which puts out the light. + + On your first visit you should not stay after 12:30. + + THE PROPOSAL PROPER + + About the second or third month of a formal courtship it is + customary for the man to propose matrimony, and if the girl has + been “out” for three or four years and has several younger + sisters coming along, it is customary for her to accept him. They + then become “engaged,” and the courtship is concluded. + + + + +CHAPTER TWO: THE ETIQUETTE OF ENGAGEMENTS AND WEDDINGS + + + THE HISTORIC ASPECT + + “Matrimony,” sings Homer, the poet, “is a holy estate and not + lightly to be entered into.” The “old Roman” is right. + + A modern wedding is one of the most intricate and exhausting of + social customs. Young men and women of our better classes are now + forced to devote a large part of their lives to acting as brides, + grooms, ushers and bridesmaids at various elaborate nuptials. + Weeks are generally required in preparation for an up-to-date + wedding; months are necessary in recovering from such an affair. + Indeed, some of the participants, notably the bride and groom, + never quite get over the effects of a marriage. + + It was not “always thus.” Time was when the wedding was a + comparatively simple affair. In the Paleolithic Age, for example, + (as Mr. H. G. Wells of England points out in his able “Outline of + History”), there is no evidence of any particular ceremony + conjunctive with the marriage of “a male and a female.” Even with + the advent of Neolithic man, a wedding seems to have been + consummated by the rather simple process of having the bridegroom + crack the bride over the head with a plain, unornamented stone + ax. There were no ushers—no bridesmaids. But shortly after that + (c- 10,329—30 B.C. to be exact) two young Neoliths named Haig, + living in what is now supposed to be Scotland, discovered that + the prolonged distillation of common barley resulted in the + creation of an amber-colored liquid which, when taken internally, + produced a curious and not unpleasant effect. + + This discovery had—and still has—a remarkable effect upon the + celebration of the marriage rite. Gradually there grew up around + the wedding a number of customs. With the Haig brothers’ + discovery of Scotch whiskey began, as a matter of course, the + institution of the “bachelor dinner.” “Necessity is the mother of + invention,” and exactly twelve years after the first “bachelor + dinner” came the discovery of bicarbonate of soda. From that time + down to the present day the history of the etiquette of weddings + has been that of an increasing number of intricate forms and + ceremonies, each age having added its particular bit of ritual. + The modern wedding may be said to be, therefore, almost an + “Outline of History” itself. + + ANNOUNCING THE ENGAGEMENT + + Let us begin, first of all, with the duties of one of the minor + characters at a wedding—the Groom. Suppose that you are an + eligible young man named Richard Roe, who has just become + “engaged” to a young lady named Dorothy Doe. If you really intend + to “marry the girl,” it is customary that some formal + announcement of the engagement be made, for which you must have + the permission of Miss Dorothy and her father. It is not + generally difficult to become engaged to most girls, but it will + surprise you to discover how hard it is to get the young lady + whom you believe to be your fiancée to consent to a public + announcement of the fact. The reason for this probably is that an + engagement which has been “announced” often leads to matrimony, + and matrimony, in polite society, often lasts for several years. + After you have secured the girl’s permission, it is next + necessary that you notify her father of the engagement. In this + particular case, as he happens to be your employer, the + notification can take place in his office. First of all, however, + it would be advisable to prepare some sort of speech in advance. + Aim to put him as far as possible at his ease, lead up to the + subject gradually and tactfully. Abruptness is never “good form.” + The following is suggested as a possible model. “Good morning, + Mr. Doe, say, I heard a good story from a traveling salesman last + night. It seems that there was a young married couple—(here + insert a good story about a young married couple). Wasn’t that + _rich_? Yes, sir, marriage is a great thing—a great institution. + Every young man ought to get married, don’t you think? You do? + Well, Mr. Doe, I’ve got a surprise for you, (here move toward the + door). I’m going to (here open the door) marry (step out of the + room) your daughter” (close the door quickly). + + THE BRIDE-TO-BE + + Before the public announcement of the engagement it is customary + for the bride-to-be to write personal letters to all other young + men to whom she happens to be engaged at the time. These notes + should be kindly, sympathetic and tactful. The same note can be + written to all, provided there is no chance of their comparing + notes. The following is suggested: + + “Dear Bob— + + Bob, I want you to be the very first to know that I am engaged to + Richard Roe. I want you to like him, Bob, because he is a fine + fellow and I would rather have you like him than any one I know. + I feel that he and I shall be very happy together, and I want you + to be the first to know about it. Your friendship will always + remain one of the brightest things in my life, Bob, but, of + course, I probably won’t be able to go to the Aiken dance with + you now. Please don’t tell anybody about it yet. I shall never + forget the happy times you and I had together, Bob, and will you + please return those silly letters of mine. I am sending you + yours.” + +[Illustration] + +Ignorance of Sporting Terms Betrays the “Cockney” _Nothing so +completely betrays the “Cockney” as a faulty knowledge of sporting +terms. The young lady at the left has just returned from the hunting +field hand-in-hand with the dashing “lead,” who happens to be an +eligible billionaire. Her hostess, the mother of the sub-deb at the +right, has greeted her by hissing, “S—o—o! I see you’ve had a good +day’s hunting!” The use of this unsportsmanlike expression—in stead of +the correct “Hope you had a good run,” or “Where did you find?”—at once +discloses the hostess’s mean origin and the young lady will almost +certainly never accept another invitation to her house._ + +[Illustration] + +Proper Attitude Towards the Hostess’ Furniture _In this work-a-day +world, one is likely to forget that there is an etiquette of pleasure, +just as there is an etiquette of dancing or the opera. One often hears +a charming hostess refuse to invite this or that person to her home for +a game of billiards on the ground that he or she is a “bum sport” or a +“rotten loser.” The above scene illustrates one of the little, but +conspicuous, blunders that people make. The gentleman, having missed +his fifth consecutive shot, has broken his cue over his knee and is +ripping the baize off the table with the sharp end. This display is not +in the best taste._ + +[Illustration] + +Correct Bathing Costumes for Ladies _Good form at the beach is still a +question of debate. Some authorities on the subject insist that the +Rubenesque type is preferable, while others claim that the Byzantine is +more fashionable. One thing is certain—it is absolutely incorrect for +ladies who weigh less than 75 or more than 275 pounds (avoirdupois) to +appear in costumes that would offend against modesty. It is also +considered rude to hold one’s swimming partner under water for more +then the formal quarter of an hour._ + + THE ENGAGEMENT LUNCHEON + + The engagement is generally announced at a luncheon given by the + parents of the prospective bride. This is usually a small affair, + only fifteen or twenty of the most intimate friends of the + engaged “couple” being invited. It is one of the customs of + engagement luncheons that all the guests shall be tremendously + surprised at the news, and great care should be taken to aid them + in carrying out this tradition. On the invitations, for example, + should be written some misleading phrase, such as “To meet + General Pershing” or “Not to Announce the Engagement of our + Daughter.” + + The announcement itself which should be made soon after the + guests are seated, offers a splendid opportunity for the display + of originality and should aim to afford the guest a surprise and + perhaps a laugh, for laughter of a certain quiet kind is often + welcome at social functions. One of the most favored methods of + announcing an engagement is by the use of symbolic figures + embodying the names of the affianced pair. Thus, for example, in + the case of the present engagement of Richard Roe to Dorothy Doe + it would be “unique” to have the first course at luncheon consist + of a diminutive candy or paper-mache doe seated amorously upon a + heart shaped order of a shad roe. The guests will at first be + mystified, but soon cries of “Oh, how sweet!” will arise and + congratulations are then in order. Great care should be taken, + however, that the symbolic figures are not misunderstood; it + would be extremely embarrassing, for example, if in the above + instance, a young man named “Shad” or “Aquarium” were to receive + the congratulations instead of the proper person. Other + suggestions for symbolistic announcements of some of the more + common names are as follows: + + “_Cohan-O’Brien_”—ice cream cones on a plate of O’Brien potatoes. + + “_Ames-Green_—green ice cream in the shape of a man aiming at + something. + + “_Thorne-Hoyt_—figure of a man from Brooklyn pulling a thorn from + foot with expression on his face signifying “This hoits.” + + “_Bullitt-Bartlett_—bartlett pears full of small 22 or 33 calibre + bullets. + + “_Tweed-Ellis_”—frosted cake in the shape of Ellis Island with a + solitary figure of a man in a nice fitting tweed suit. + + “_Gordon-Fuller_”—two paper-mache figures—one representing a + young man full of Gordon gin, the other representing a young man + fuller. + + “_Hatch-Gillette_”—figure of a chicken surprised at having + hatched a safety razor. + + “_Graves-Colgate_”—figure of a man brushing his teeth in a + cemetery. + + “_Heinz-Fish_”—57 assorted small fish tastily arranged on one + plate. + + SELECTING THE BRIDAL PARTY + + AS soon as the engagement has been announced it is the duty of + the prospective bride to select a maid-of-honor and eight or ten + bridesmaids, while the groom must choose his best man and ushers. + In making these selections it should be carefully borne in mind + that no wedding party is complete without the following: + +1 bridesmaid who danced twice with the Prince of Wales. +2 Bridesmaids who never danced more than once with anybody. +1 bridesmaid who doesn’t “Pet.” +1 bridesmaid who was expelled from Miss Spence’s. +1 bridesmaid who talks “Southern.” +1 bridesmaid who met Douglas Fairbanks once. +1 bridesmaid who rowed on the crew at Wellesley. +1 usher who doesn’t drink anything. +9 ushers who drink anything. + + In some localities, following the announcement, it is customary + for the bride’s friends, to give for her a number of “showers.” + These are for the purpose of providing her with various + necessities for her wedded household life. These affairs should + be informal and only her dearest or wealthiest friends should be + invited. A clever bride will generally arrange secretly for + several of these “showers” by promising a certain percentage + (usually 15% of the gross up to $500.00 and 25% bonus on all over + that amount) to the friend who gives the party. Some of the more + customary “showers” of common household articles for the new + bride are toothpaste, milk of magnesia, screen doors, copies of + Service’s poems, Cape Cod lighters, pictures of “Age of + Innocence” and back numbers of the “Atlantic Monthly.” + + INVITATIONS AND WEDDING PRESENTS + + The proper time to send out invitations to a wedding is between + two and three weeks before the day set for the ceremony, although + the out-of-town invitations should be mailed in plenty of time to + allow the recipient to purchase and forward a suitable present. + As the gifts are received, a check mark should be placed after + the name of the donor, together with a short description of the + present and an estimate as to its probable cost. This list is to + be used later, at the wedding reception, in determining the + manner in which the bride is to greet the various guests. It has + been found helpful by many brides to devise some sort of memory + system whereby certain names immediately suggest certain + responses, thus: + + “Mr. Snodgrass—copy of ‘Highways and Byways in Old France’”—c. + $6.50—“how do you do, Mr. Snodgrass, have you met my mother?” + + “Mr. Brackett—Solid silver candlesticks—$68.50”—“hello, Bob, you + old peach. How about a kiss?” + + The real festivities of a wedding start about three days before + the ceremony, with the arrival of the “wedding party,” in which + party the most responsible position is that of best man. Let us + suppose that you are to be the best man at the Roe-Doe nuptials. + What are your duties? + + In the first place, you must prepare yourself for the wedding by + a course of training extending for over a month or more prior to + the actual event. It should be your aim to work yourself into + such a condition that you can go for three nights without sleep, + talk for hours to the most impossibly stupid of young women, and + consume an unending amount of alcohol. You are then prepared for + the bachelor dinner, the bridal dinner, the bridesmaids, the + wedding, and the wedding reception. + + DUTIES OF THE BEST MAN + + Upon your arrival in the city where the wedding is to take place + you will be met by the bridegroom, who will take you to the home + of the bride where you are to stay. There you are met by the + bride’s father. “This is my best man,” says the groom. “The best + man?” replies her father. “Well, may the best man win.” At once + you reply, “Ha! Ha! Ha!” He then says, “Is this your first visit + to Chicago?” to which the correct answer is, “Yes, sir, but I + hope it isn’t my last.” + + The bride’s mother then appears. “This is my best man,” says the + groom. “Well,” says she, “remember—the best man doesn’t always + win.” “Ha! Ha! Ha!” you at once reply. “Is this your first visit + to Chicago?” says she, to which you answer, “Yes—but I hope it + isn’t my last.” + + You are then conducted to your room, where you are left alone to + unpack. In a few minutes the door will open and a small boy + enter. This is the brother of the bride. You smile at him + pleasantly and remark, “Is this your first visit to Chicago?” + “What are you doing?” is his answer. “Unpacking,” you reply. + “What’s that?” says he. “A cutaway,” you reply. “What’s that?” + says he. “A collar bag.” “What’s that?” “A dress shirt.” “What’s + that?” says he. “Another dress shirt.” “What’s that?” says he. + “Say, listen,” you reply, “don’t I hear some one calling you?” + “No,” says he, “what’s that?” “That,” you reply, with a sigh of + relief, “is a razor. Here—take it and play with it.” In three + minutes, if you have any luck at all, the bride’s brother will + have cut himself severely in several places which will cause him + to run crying from the room. You can then finish unpacking. + + THE BRIDE’S TEA + + The first function of the pre-nuptial festivities is generally a + tea at the bride’s home, where the ushers and bridesmaids meet to + become “acquainted.” It is your duty, as best man, to go to the + hotel where the ushers are stopping and bring them to this tea. + Just as you will leave on this mission the groom will whisper in + your ear, “For God’s sake, remember to tell them that her father + and mother are terribly opposed to drinking in any form.” This is + an awfully good joke on her father and mother. + + As you step out of the hotel elevator you hear at the end of the + hall a chorus shouting, “Mademoiselle from Armentières—_parlez + vous!_” Those are your ushers. + + Opening the door of the room you step forward and announce, + “Fellows, we have got to go to a tea right away. Come on—let’s + go.” At this, ten young men in cutaways will stand up and shout, + “Yeaaa—the best man—give the best man a drink!” From then on, at + twelve minute intervals, it is your duty to say, “Fellows, we + have got to go to a tea right away. Come on—let’s go.” Each time + you will be handed another drink, which you may take with either + your right or left hand. + + After an hour the telephone will ring. It will be the groom. He + will say, “Everybody is waiting for you and the ushers,” to which + you reply, “We are just leaving.” He then says, “And don’t forget + to tell them what I told you about her father and mother.” + + You then hang up the receiver, take a drink in one hand and say, + “Fellows, I have a very solemn message for you. It’s a message + which is of deep importance to each one of us. Fellows—her father + and mother object to the use of alcohol in any form.” + + This statement will be greeted with applause and cheers. You will + all then take one more drink, put on your silk hats and gray + gloves, and leave the room singing, “Her father and mother object + to drink—_parlez vous_.” + + The tea given by the bride’s parents is generally a small affair + to which only the members of the wedding party are invited. When + you and the ushers arrive, you will find the bride, the maid of + honor and the bridesmaids waiting for you. As you enter the room, + make a polite bow to the bride’s father and mother, and be sure + to apologize for your lateness. Nothing so betrays the social + “oil can” as a failure to make a plausible excuse for tardiness. + Whenever you are late for a party you must always have ready some + good reason for your fault, such as, “Excuse me, Mrs. Doe, I’m + afraid I am a little late, but you see, just as I was dressing, + this filling dropped out of my tooth and I had to have it put + back in.” If the host and hostess seem to doubt your statement, + it would be well to show them the recalcitrant filling in + question, although if they are “well-bred” they will probably in + most cases take you at your word. + + THE MAID OF HONOR + + You and the ushers will then be introduced to the bridesmaids and + the maid of honor. As you meet this latter young lady, who is the + bride’s older sister and, of course, your partner for the + remainder of the wedding festivities, she will say, “The best + man? Well, they say that the best man wins... Ha! Ha! Ha!” This + puts her in class G 6 without further examination, and your only + hope of prolonging your life throughout the next two days lies in + the frequent and periodic administration of stimulants. + + THE BACHELOR DINNER AND AFTER + + That evening the groom gives for the best man and the ushers what + is known as a “bachelor dinner.” It is his farewell to his men + friends as he passes out of the state of bachelorhood. The formal + passing out generally occurs toward the end of the dinner, and is + a quaint ceremony participated in by most of those present. + + It is customary for the best man to wake up about noon of the + following day. You will not have the slightest idea as to where + you are or how you got there. You will be wearing your dress + trousers, your stiff or pleated bosom dress shirt, black socks + and pumps, and the coat of your pajamas. In one hand you will be + clutching a chrysanthemum. After a few minutes there will come a + low moan from the next bed. That is usually the groom, also in + evening dress with the exception that he has tried to put on the + trousers of your pajamas over his dress trousers. You then say, + “What happened?” to which he replies, “Oh, Judas.” You wait + several minutes. In the next room you hear the sound of a shower + bath and some one whistling. The bath stops; the whistling + continues. The door then opens and there enters one of the + ushers. He is the usher who always “feels great” the next day + after the bachelor dinner. He says to you, “Well, boys, you look + all in.” You do not reply. He continues, “Gosh, I feel fine.” You + make no response. He then begins to chuckle, “I don’t suppose you + remember,” he says, “what you said to the bride’s mother when I + brought you home last night.” You sit quickly up in bed. “What + did I say?” you ask. “Was I tight?” “Were you tight?” he replies, + still chuckling. “Don’t you remember what you said? And don’t you + remember trying to get the bride’s father to slide down the + banisters with you? Were you tight—Oh, my gosh!” He then exits, + chuckling. Statistics of several important life insurance + companies show that that type of man generally dies a violent + death before the age of thirty. + + THE REHEARSAL + + The rehearsal for the wedding is usually held in the church on + the afternoon preceding the day of the nuptials. The ushers, of + course, are an hour late, which gives the bridegroom (Bap.) an + opportunity to meet the minister (Epis.) and have a nice, long + chat about religion, while the best man (Atheist) talks to the + eighty-three year old sexton who buried the bride’s grandpa and + grandma and has knowed little Miss Dorothy come twenty years next + Michaelmas. The best man’s offer of twenty-five dollars, if the + sexton will at once bury the maid of honor, is generally refused + as a matter of courtesy. + + THE BRIDAL DINNER + + In the evening, the parents of the bride give the bridal dinner, + to which all the relatives and close friends of the family are + invited. Toasts are drunk in orange juice and rare old Virginia + Dare wine, and much good-natured fun is indulged in by all. + Speeches are usually made by the bride and groom, their parents, + the best man, the maid of honor, the minister and Aunt Harriet. + + Just a word about the speeches at a bridal dinner. Terrible! + + A CHURCH WEDDING + + On the day of the wedding the ushers should arrange to be at the + church an hour or so in advance of the time set for the ceremony. + They should be dressed in cutaways, with ties, gloves and + gardenias provided by the groom. + + It is the duty of the best man to dress the bridegroom for the + wedding. As you enter his room you see, lying half-dressed on the + bed, a pale, wan, emaciated creature, who is staring fixedly at + the ceiling. It is the happy bridegroom. His lips open. He speaks + feebly. “What time is it?” he says. You reply, “Two-thirty, old + man. Time to start getting dressed.” “Oh, my God!” says the + groom. Ten minutes pass. “What time is it?” says the groom. + “Twenty of three,” you reply. “Here’s your shirt.” “Oh, my God!” + says the groom. + + He takes the shirt and tries to put it on. You help him. “Better + have a little Scotch, old man,” you say. “What time is it?” he + replies. “Five of three,” you say. “Oh, my God!” says the groom. + + At three-thirty you and he are dressed in cutaways and promptly + at three-forty-two you arrive at the church. You are ushered into + a little side room where it is your duty to sit with the corpse + for the few brief hours which elapse between three-forty-five and + four o’clock. Occasionally he stirs and a faint spark of life + seems to struggle in his sunken eyes. His lips move feebly. You + bend over to catch his dying words. “Have—you—got—the ring?” he + whispers. “Yes,” you reply. “Everything’s fine. You look great, + too, old man.” The sound of the organ reaches your ears. The + groom groans. “Have you got the ring?” he says. + + Meanwhile the ushers have been performing their duty of showing + the invited guests to the various pews. A correctly trained usher + will always have ready some cheery word or sprightly bit of + conversation to make the guests feel perfectly at home as he + conducts them to their seats. “It’s a nice day, isn’t it?” is + suggested as a perfectly safe and yet not too unusual topic of + conversation. This can be varied by remarking, “Isn’t it a nice + day?” or in some cases, where you do not wish to appear too + forward, “Is it a nice day, or isn’t it?” An usher should also + remember that although he has on a cutaway, he is neither a + floor-walker nor a bond salesman, and remarks such as “Something + in a dotted Swiss?” or “Third aisle over—second pew—next the + ribbon goods,” are decidedly _non au fait_. + + The first two pews on each side of the center aisle are always + reserved for members of the immediate family, but it is a firmly + established custom that the ushers shall seat in these “family + pews” at least three people with whom the family are barely on + speaking terms. This slight error always causes Aunt Nellie and + Uncle Fred to sit up in the gallery with the family cook. + + With the arrival of the bride, the signal is given to the + organist to start the wedding march, usually either Mendelssohn’s + or Wagner’s. About this time the mother of the bride generally + discovers that the third candle from the left on the rear altar + has not been lighted, which causes a delay of some fifteen + minutes during which time the organist improvises one hundred and + seventy-three variations on the opening strains of the march. + + Finally all is adjusted and the procession starts down the aisle + led by the ushers swaying slowly side by side. It is always + customary for three or four of the eight ushers to have + absolutely no conception of time or rhythm, which adds a quaint + touch of uncertainty and often a little humor to the performance. + + After the Scotch mist left by the passing ushers has cleared, + there come the bridesmaids, the maid of honor, and then, leaning + on her father’s arm (unless, of course, her father is dead), the + bride. + + In the meantime, the bridegroom has been carried in by the best + man and awaits the procession at the foot of the aisle, which is + usually four hundred and forty yards long. The ushers and + bridesmaids step awkwardly to one side; the groom advances and a + hush falls over the congregation which is the signal for the + bride’s little niece to ask loudly, “What’s that funny looking + man going to do, Aunt Dotty?” + + Then follows the religious ceremony. + + Immediately after the church service, a reception is held at the + bride’s home, where refreshments are served and two hundred and + forty-two invited guests make the same joke about kissing the + bride. At the reception it is customary for the ushers and the + best man to crawl off in separate corners and die. + + The wedding “festivities” are generally concluded with the + disappearance of the bride, the bridegroom, one of the uninvited + guests and four of the most valuable presents. + +[Illustration] + +The Man of Refinement Controls His Emotions _The man of culture and +refinement, while always considerate to those beneath him in station, +never, under any circumstances, loses control of his emotions for an +instant. Though the gentleman-rider in the picture may be touchingly +fond of his steeplechase horse, it is unpardonably bad form for him to +make an exhibition of his affection while going over the brush in plain +view of numbers of total strangers. In doing so he simply is making a +“guy” of himself, and it is no more than he deserves if those in the +gallery raise their eyebrows at each other and smile knowingly._ + +[Illustration] + +Comparative Advantages of the Pen—the Phone _The Romans had a proverb, +“Litera scripta manet,” which means “The written letter remains.” The +subtle wisdom of these words was no doubt well known to the men of the +later Paleolithic Age before them, but evidently the gentleman in the +engraving never heard of it. If he had kept this simple little rule of +social correspondence in mind he would have avoided the painful +experience of hearing his obsolete emotions exposed to the eager ears +of twelve perfect strangers. It is customary nowadays for unmarried +elder sons of our most aristocratic families to express their +appreciation of the qualities of fascinating bachelor girls over the +sensible, though plebeian, telephone._ + + + + +CHAPTER THREE: THE ETIQUETTE OF TRAVEL + + + The etiquette of travel, like that of courtship and marriage, has + undergone several important changes with the advent of + “democracy” and the “mechanical age.” Time was when travel was + indulged in only by the better classes of society and the rules + of travellers’ etiquette were well defined and acknowledged by + all. But Yankee ingenuity has indeed brought the “mountain to + Mahomet”; the “iron horse” and the “Pullman coach” have, I + believe, come to stay, bringing with them many new customs and + manners for the well-bred gentleman or lady who would travel + correctly. Truly, the “old order changeth” and it is, perhaps, + only proper that one should keep (if you will pardon the use of + the word), “abreast” of the times. + + HINTS FOR THE CORRECT PEDESTRIAN + + Let us suppose, for example, that you are a young gentleman of + established social position in one of the many cities of our + great middle west, and it is your desire to travel from your home + to New York City for the purpose of viewing the many attractions + of that metropolis of which I need perhaps only mention the + Aquarium or Grant’s Tomb or the Eden Musee. Now there are many + ways of getting to New York, such as (a) on foot, (b) via “rail”; + it should be your first duty to select one of these methods of + transportation. Walking to New York (“a” above) is often rejected + because of the time and effort involved and it is undoubtedly + true that if one attempted to journey afoot from the middle west + one would probably be quite fatigued at the end of one’s journey. + The etiquette of walking, however, is the same for short as for + long distances, and I shall at this point give a few of the many + rules for correct behavior among pedestrians. + + In the first place, it is always customary in a city for a young + lady, either accompanied or unaccompanied, to walk on the + sidewalk. A young “miss” who persists in walking in the gutters + is more apt to lose than to make friends among the socially + “worth while.” + + Gentlemen, either with or without ladies, are never seen walking + after dark in the sewers or along the elevated, tracks. + + It is not _au fait_ for gentlemen or ladies wearing evening dress + to “catch on behind” passing ice wagons, trucks, etc.; the time + and energy saved are doubtfully repaid should one happen to be + driven thus past other members of one’s particular social “set.” + + Ladies walking alone on the street after dark do not speak to + gentlemen unless they have been previously introduced or are out + of work with winter coming on. + + A gentleman walking alone at night, when accosted by a young + woman whom he has not met socially, removes his hat politely, + bows and passes on, unless she looks awfully good. + + Débutantes meeting traffic policemen always bow first in America; + in the Continental countries, with their age-old flavor of + aristocratic court life, this custom is reversed. + + A bachelor, accompanied by a young unmarried woman, when stepping + accidentally into an open coal or sewer hole in the sidewalk, + removes his hat and gloves as inconspicuously as possible. + + It is never correct for young people of either “sex” to push + older ladies in front of swiftly approaching motor vehicles or + street cars. + + A young man, if run over by an automobile driven by a strange + lady, should lie perfectly still (unless dead) until an + introduction can be arranged; the person driving the car usually + speaks first. + + An unmarried woman, if run into and knocked down by a taxicab + driven by someone in her own “set,” usually says “Why the hell + don’t you look where you’re going?” to which the taxi driver, + removing his hat, replies “Why the hell don’t _you?_” + + A correct costume for gentlemen walking in the parks or streets + of a city, either before or after dark, consists of shoes (2), + socks (2), undergarments, trousers, shirt, necktie, collar, vest, + coat and hat. For pedestrians of the “opposite” sex the costume + is practically the same with the exception of the socks, + trousers, shirt, necktie, collar, vest and coat. However, many + women now affect “knickerbockers” and _vice versa_. + + A young lady of good breeding, when walking alone, should not + talk or laugh in a loud boisterous manner. “Capers” (e. g. + climbing trees, etc.), while good exercise and undoubtedly + fashionable in certain “speedy” circles, are of questionable + taste for ladies, especially if indulged in to excess or while + walking with young gentlemen on the Sabbath. Sport is sport, and + no one loves a stiff game of “fives” or “rounders” more than I, + but the spectacle of a young unmarried lady and her escort + hanging by their limbs on the Lord’s Day from the second or third + cross arm of an electric telegraph pole is certainly carrying + things a bit too far, in my opinion, even in this age of “golf” + and lawn “tennis.” + + A young gentleman escorting a young lady on foot to a formal ball + or the opera should walk on the outside, especially if they are + both in evening dress and have a long distance to go. It is never + incorrect to suggest the use of a street car, or as one gets near + the Opera House, a carriage or a “taxicab.” + + A young man walking with a young lady, when accosted by a beggar, + always gives the beggar something unless the young lady is his + wife or his sister. + + So much for pedestrians. I can not, of course, pretend to give + here all the rules for those who “go afoot” and I can only say + that the safest principle for correct behavior in this, as in + many social matters, is the now famous reply Thomas Edison once + made to the stranger who asked him with what he mixed his paints + in order to get such marvellous effects. “One part inspiration,” + replied the great inventor, “and NINE parts perspiration.” In + other words, etiquette is not so much a matter of “genius” as of + steady application to small details. + + TRAVELLING BY RAIL + + In America much of the travelling is done by “rail.” The + etiquette of railroad behavior is extremely complicated, + especially if one is forced to spend the night _en route_ (on the + way) and many and ludicrous are the mistakes made by those whose + social training has apparently fitted them more for a freight car + than for an up-to-date “parlor” or “Pullman” coach. + + GOOD FORM ON A STREET CAR + + Let us, first of all, however, take up some of the simpler forms + of rail transportation, such as, for example, the electric street + or “tram” car now to be seen on the main highways and byways of + all our larger cities. The rules governing behavior on these + vehicles often appear at first quite complicated, but when one + has learned the “ropes,” as they say in the Navy, one should have + no difficulty. + + An elderly lady with a closed umbrella, for example, desiring to + take a street car, should always stand directly under a large + sign marked “Street Cars Do Not Stop On This Corner.” As the car + approaches she should run quickly out to the car tracks and + signal violently to the motorman with the umbrella. As the car + whizzes past without stopping she should cease signalling, remark + “Well I’ll be God damned!” and return to the curbstone. After + this performance has been repeated with three successive cars she + should then walk slowly out and lie down, in a dignified manner, + across the car tracks. In nine cases out of ten the motorman of + the next “tram” will see her lying there and will be gentleman + enough to stop his car. + + When this happens the elderly lady should get quietly up from the + street and stand outside the door marked “Exit Only” until the + motorman opens it for her. She should then enter with the remark, + “I signalled to three cars and not one of them stopped,” to which + the motorman will reply, “But, lady, that sign there says they + don’t stop on this corner.” The lady should then say “What’s your + number—I’m going to report you.” + + After taking his number she should enter the car. At the opposite + end of the vehicle there will undoubtedly be three or four vacant + seats; instead of taking one of these she should stand up in + front of some young man and glare at him until he gets up and + gives her his place. + + It is not customary in American cities for ladies to thank + gentlemen who provide them with seats. + + After a few minutes she should turn to the man at her right and + ask “Does this car go to Madison Heights?” He will answer “No.” + She should then turn to the man on her left and ask “Does this + car go to Madison Heights?” He will answer “No.” Her next + question—“Does this car go to Madison Heights?”—should be + addressed to a man across the aisle, and the answer will be “No.” + She should then listen attentively while the conductor calls out + the names of the streets and as he shouts “Blawmnoo!” she should + ask the man at her right “Did he say Madison Heights?” He will + reply “No.” At the next street the conductor will shout + “Blawmnoo!” at which she should ask “Did he say Madison Heights?” + Once more the answer will be in the negative. The car will + proceed, the conductor will now call “Blawmnoo!” and as the + elderly lady once more says “Did he say Madison Heights?” the man + at her left, the man at her right, the man across the aisle and + eight other male passengers will shout “YES!” + + It is then correct for her to pickup her umbrella and, carefully + waiting until the conductor has pulled the “go ahead” signal, she + should cry “Wait a minute, conductor—I want to get off here.” The + car will then be stopped and she should say “Is this Madison + Heights?” to which the conductor will reply “This ain’t the + Madison Heights car, lady.” She should then say “But you called + out Madison Heights,” to which he will answer “No, lady—that’s + eight miles in the opposite direction.” She should then leave the + street car, not forgetting, however, to take the conductor’s + number again. + + The above hints for “tram” car etiquette apply, of course, only + to elderly ladies. For young men and women the procedure would be + in many cases quite different. A young married woman, for + example, on entering a street car, should always have her ticket + or small “change” so securely buried in the fourth inside + pocketbook of her handbag that she cannot possibly find it inside + of twelve minutes. Three or more middle-aged ladies, riding + together, should never decide as to who is to pay the fare until + the conductor has gone stark raving mad. + +[Illustration] + +Hints on Homely Young Ladies at a Dance _Her conduct has stamped the +young lady as a provincial and it is not to be wondered at if +suppressed titters and half audible chuckles follow her about the +room._ PERFECT BEHAVIOR _would have taught her that it is not the +prerogative of a muddy-complexioned dud—even if she has had only one +dance and her costume is very expensive—to cut in on a gentleman (by +grabbing his neck or any other method) when he is dancing with the +wide-eyed beauty from the South who leaves in five minutes to catch a +train. He will be within his rights when, at the end of five minutes, +after three unsuccessful attempts to loosen her grip, he will carry her +into the garden under false pretences and there play the hose on her +until she drowns._ + +[Illustration] + +The Law of Reprisal in Etiquette _They are leaving the home of an +intimate friend of several weeks’ standing, after having witnessed a +Private Theatrical. Both feel that some return should be made for their +hostess’s kindness but neither is certain as to just what form the +return should take. The Book of_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR _would have pointed +out to them that the only adequate and satisfactory revenge for this +sort of thing is to invite the lady, as soon as possible without +exciting her suspicion, to attend an Italian opera or a drawing-room +musicale._ + + IN THE SUBWAY + + The rules governing correct behavior in the underground “subway” + systems of our great cities (particularly the New York subways) + are, however, much more simple and elemental than the etiquette + for surface cars. In the subway, for example, if you are a + married man and living with your wife, or head of a family, i. + e., a person who actually supports one or more persons living in + (or under) his (or her) household on the last day of the + preceding calendar year, provided that such person or persons + shall not on or before July 1 or if July 1 shall fall on a Sunday + then on the day nearest preceding July 1, himself (or themselves) + have filed a separate report as provided in paragraph (g), you + should precede a lady when entering, and follow a lady when + leaving, the train. + + A HONEYMOON IN A SUBWAY + + On the other hand, a wedding or a “honeymoon” trip in a subway + brings up certain problems of etiquette which are entirely + different from the above. Let us suppose, for example, that the + wedding takes place at high noon in exclusive old “Trinity” + church, New York. The nearest subway is of course the + “Interborough” (West Side) and immediately after the ceremony the + lucky couple can run poste haste to the “Battery” and board a + Lenox Ave. Local. Arriving at romantic Chambers St. they should + change at once to a Bronx Park Express which will speedily whizz + them past 18th St., 23rd St. and 28th St. to the Pennsylvania + Station where they can again transfer, this time to a Broadway + Local. In a jiffy and two winks of an eye they will be at Times + Square, the heart of the “Great White Way” (that Mecca of + pleasure seekers and excitement lovers) where they can either + change to a Broadway Express, journeying under Broadway to + historic Columbia University and Harlem, or they can take the + busy little “shuttle” which will hurry them over to the Grand + Central Station. There they can board the aristocratic East Side + Subway, either “up” or “down” town. The trip “up town” (Lexington + Ave. Express) passes under some of the better class residential + districts, but the journey in the other direction is perhaps more + interesting, including as it does such stops as 14th St., + Brooklyn Bridge, Fulton Street, Wall Street (the financial + center) etc., not to mention a delightful passage under the East + River to Brooklyn, the city of homes and churches. Thus without + getting out of their seats the happy pair can be transported from + one fascinating end of the great city to the other and when they + have exhausted the possibilities of a honeymoon in the + Interborough they can change, with the additional cost of only a + few cents apiece, to the B. R. T. or the Hudson Tubes which will + gladly carry them to a thousand new and interesting places—a + veritable Aladdin’s lamp on rails. + + TRAVELLING UNDER STEAM + + And now we come to that most complex form of travel—the railroad + journey. Let us suppose that instead of attempting to walk to New + York you have elected to go on the “train.” On the day of your + departure you should carefully pack your bag or suitcase, taking + care to strap and lock it securely. You can then immediately + unstrap and unlock it in order to put in the tooth paste and + shaving brush which you forgot to bring from the bathroom. + + Arriving at the station promptly on the time scheduled for the + train to depart you will find that because of “daylight saving + time” you have exactly an hour to wait. The time, however, can be + amusingly and economically spent in the station as follows: 11 + weighing machines @.01 =.11; 3 weighing machines @.05 =.15; 1 + weighing machine (out of order).09; 17 slot machines (chocolate + and gum) @.01 =.17. Total cost—.50, unless, of course, you eat + the chocolate. + + Upon the arrival of the train you consult your ticket to find + that you have “lower 9” in car 43. Walking back to the end of the + train and entering car 43 you will find, in berth number 9, a + tired woman and two small children. You will also find a hat box, + a bird cage, a bag of oranges, a bag of orange peelings, a + shoe-box of lunch, a rag doll, a toy balloon, half a “cookie” and + 8,000,000 crumbs. The tired woman will then say to you “Are you + the gentleman who has the lower berth?” to which you answer + “Yes.” She will then say “Well say—we’ve got the upper—and I + wonder if you would mind—” “Not at, all,” you reply, “I should be + only too glad to give you my lower.” This is always done. + + After you have seated yourself and the train has started the + lady’s little boy will announce, “I want a drink, Mama.” After he + has repeated this eleven times his mother will say to you “I + wonder if you would mind holding the baby while I take Elmer to + get a drink?” + + The etiquette of holding babies is somewhat difficult for + bachelors to master at first as there are no hard and fast rules + governing conduct under these circumstances. An easy “hold” for + beginners and one which is difficult for the ordinary baby to + break consists in wrapping the left and right arms firmly around + the center of the child, at the same time clutching the clothing + with the right hand and the toes with the left and praying to God + that the damn thing won’t drop. + + In this particular case, after Elmer and his mother have gone + down the aisle after a drink, the baby which you are holding will + at once begin to cry. Now as every mother knows, and especially + those mothers who have had children, a baby does not cry without + some specific reason and all that is necessary in the present + instance is to discover this reason. First of all, the child may + be merely hungry, in which case you should at once ask the porter + to bring you the a la carte menu. You should then carefully go + over the list of dishes with the infant, taking care to spell out + and explain such names as he may not understand. “How would you + like some nice assorted hors d’œuvres?” you say. “Waaaaa!” says + the baby. “No hors d’œuvres,” you say to the waiter. “Some blue + points, perhaps—you know, o-y-s-t-e-r-s?” You might even act out + a blue point or two, as in charades, so that the child will + understand what you mean. In case, however, the baby does not + cease crying after having eaten the first three or four courses, + you should not insist on a salad and a dessert, for probably it + is not hunger which is occasioning the outcry. Perhaps it is a + pin, in which case you should at once bend every effort to the + discovery and removal of the irritant. The most generally + accepted modern way of effecting this consists in passing a large + electro-magnet over every portion of the child’s anatomy and the + pin (if pin there be) will of course at once come to light. Then, + too, many small children cry merely because they have swallowed + something which does not agree with them, such as, for example, a + gold tooth or a shoe horn; the remedy in this case consists in + _immediately_ feeding the child the proper counter irritant. + There is, really, no great mystery about the successful raising + of children and with a few common sense principles, such as + presented above, any mother may relieve herself of a great deal + of useless anxiety. I hope I may be pardoned for a digression + here, but I feel very strongly that “today’s babies are + tomorrow’s citizens” and I do want to see them brought up in the + proper way. + + But to return to our train. Perhaps by this time the mother and + Elmer will have returned and you will be relieved of further + investigation as to the cause of the infant’s discomfort. A few + minutes later, however, little Elmer will say “Mama, I want the + window open.” This request will be duly referred to you via the + line of authority. It is then your duty to assume a firm upright + stance, with the weight evenly distributed on both feet, and work + for twelve minutes and thirty-nine seconds in a terrific struggle + to raise the windows. At the end of twelve minutes and forty + seconds you will succeed, the window will slowly go up, and the + train will at once enter a tunnel, filling the car and you with + coal smoke. In the resulting darkness and confusion you should + seize little Elmer, throw him quickly out of the open window and + make your escape to the gentlemen’s smoking compartment in the + rear of your car. + + In the “smoker” you will find three men. The first of these will + be saying “and he told me that a bootlegger he knew had cleaned + up a thousand dollars a week since January.” The second will say + “Well down where I come from there’s men who never took a drink + before prohibition who get drunk all the time now.” The third + will say “Well, I tell you, men—the saloon had to go.” + + Provision for satisfying the “inner man” is now a regular part of + the equipment of all modern trains, and about 6:30 or 7 you + should leave your companions in the “smoker” and walk through the + train until you reach the “diner.” Here you will seat yourself at + a table with three other gentlemen, the first of whom will be + remarking, as you sit down, “and I know for a fact that this + bootlegger is making over fifty thousand dollars a year.” + + A CORRECT NIGHT IN A PULLMAN + + Before the days of modern railroads one could not very well + travel over night but now, thanks to Mr. Pullman, it is possible + for the traveller to go to bed en route and be every bit as snug + and comfortable as the proverbial insect in a rug. Shortly after + dinner the porter will “make up” the berths in the car and when + you desire to retire for the night you should ask him to bring + you the ladder in order that you may ascend to upper 9. While you + are waiting you should stand in the aisle and remove your coat, + vest and shoes, and then begin to search for your suitcase which + you will finally locate by crawling on your chin and stomach + under berth number 11. When you again resume an upright position + the train will give a sudden lurch, precipitating you into berth + number 12. A woman’s voice will then say “Alice?” to which you + should of course answer “No” and climb quickly up the ladder into + your proper berth. + + A great deal of “to do” is often made of the difficulty involved + in undressing in an upper berth but most of this is quite + uncalled for. Experienced travellers now generally wait until the + lights of the car have been dimmed or extinguished when the + disrobing can be done quite simply in five counts, as follows: + _One_—unloosen all clothing and lie flat on the back. The + respiration should be natural, easy and through the lungs. The + muscles should be relaxed; _Two_—pivoting on the back of the head + and neck, inhale quickly, at the same time drawing the muscles of + the legs and arms sharply under the body, as for a spring; + _Three_—spring suddenly upward and to the right (or left), + catching the bell cord (which extends along the roof of the + train) with the teeth, hands and feet; _Four_—holding firmly to + the cord with the knees, describe a sudden arc downward with the + head and body, returning to position as soon as the shirt and + undershirt have dropped off into the aisle; _Five_—taking a firm + hold on the cord with the teeth, let go sharply with the knees. + The trousers, etc., should at once slide off, and you can (and, + in fact, should) then swing yourself quickly back into your berth + and pajamas. + + Once inside your “bunk” you should drift quickly off to + slumberland, and when you wake up it will be five minutes later + and the————engineer will be trying to see what he can do with an + air brake and a few steel sleeping cars. + + In the morning you will be in New York. + + + + +CHAPTER FOUR: AT THE CONCERT AND THE OPERA + + + In order to listen to music intelligently—or what is really much + more important—in order to give the appearance of listening to + music intelligently, it is necessary for the novice to master + thoroughly two fundamental facts. + + The first, and most important of these, is that the letter “w” in + Russian is pronounced like “v”; the second, that Rachmaninoff has + a daughter at Vassar. + + Not very difficult, surely—but it is remarkable how much + enjoyment one can get out of music by the simple use of these two + formulas. With a little practise in their use, the veriest tyro + can bewilder her escort even though she be herself so musically + uninformed as to think that the celeste is only used in + connection with _Aïda_, or that a minor triad is perhaps a young + wood nymph. + + One other important fundamental is that enthusiasm should never + be expressed for any music written after 1870; by a careful + observance of this rule one will constantly experience that + delightful satisfaction which comes with finding one’s opinions + shared by the music critics in the daily press. + +[Illustration] + +Chivalry or the Instinct of Self-Preservation? A Fine Point _The young +lady in the picture has just laid out a perfect drive. She had, +unfortunately, neglected to wait until the gentleman playing ahead of +her had progressed more than fifteen yards down the fairway, and her +ball, traveling at a velocity of 1675 f.s., has caught the gentleman +squarely in the half-pint bottle. What mistake, if any, is the +gentleman making in chasing her off the course with his niblick, if we +assume that she called “Fore!” when the ball had attained to within +three feet of the gentleman?_ + +[Illustration] + +An Inexperienced “Gun” _You will exclaim, no doubt, on looking at the +scene depicted above, “Cherchez la femme.” It is, however, nothing so +serious as you will pardonably suppose. The gentleman is merely an +inexperienced “gun” at a shooting-party, who has begun following his +bird before it has risen above the head of his loader. This very clumsy +violation of the etiquette of sport proves, beyond the shadow of a +doubt, that he has learned to shoot from the comic papers, and that his +coat-of-arms can never again be looked upon as anything but bogus._ + + LISTENING TO A SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA + + The first thing to do on arriving at a symphony concert is to + express the wish that the orchestra will play Beethoven’s Fifth. + If your companion then says “Fifth what?” you are safe with him + for the rest of the evening; no metal can touch you. If, however, + he says “So do I”—this is a danger signal and he may require + careful handling. + + The next step is a glance at the program. If your escort is quite + good looking and worth cultivating, the obvious remark is “Oh + dear—not a very interesting program, to-night. But George—_look_ + at what they are playing next Thursday! My, I wish—.” If George + shies at this, it can be tried again later—say during an + “appassionato” passage for the violins and cellos. + + As soon as the music starts, all your attention should be + directed toward discovering someone who is making a + noise—whispering or coughing; having once located such a + creature, you should immediately “sh-sh” him. Should he continue + the offence, a severe frown must accompany the next “sh-sh,” a + lorgnette—if available—adding great effectiveness to the rebuke. + This will win you the gratitude of your neighbors and serve to + establish your position socially, as well as musically—for + perfect “sh-shers” do not come from the lower classes. + + At the conclusion of the first number the proper remark is + “hmmm,” accompanied by a slow shake of the head. After this you + may use any one of a number of remarks, as for example, “Well, I + suppose Mendelssohn appeals to a great many people,” or “That was + meaningless enough to have been written by a Russian.” This + latter is to be preferred, for it leads your companion to say, + “But don’t you like TschaiKOWsky?”, pronouncing the second + syllable as if the composer were a female bull. You can then + reply, “Why, yes, TschaiKOFFsky _did_ write some rather good + music—although it’s all neurotic and obviously Teutonic.” Don’t + fail to stress the “v.” + + The next number on the program will probably be the soloist—say, + a coloratura soprano. Your first remark should be that you don’t + really care for the human voice—the reason being, of course, that + symphonic Music, ABSOLUTE music, has spoiled you for things like + vocal gymnastics. This leads your bewildered friend to ask you + what sort of soloist you prefer. + + Ans.—Why, a piano concerto, of course. + + Ques.—And who is your favorite pianist? + + Ans.—Rachmaninoff. And then, before the boy has time to breathe + —SHOOT! _“Did you knoow that he has a daughter at Vassar?”_ + + Although not necessary, it might be well to finish off the poor + fellow at the end of the concert with one or two well placed + depth bombs. My own particular favorite for this is the + following, accompanied by a low sigh: “After all—Beethoven IS + Beethoven.” + + CORRECT BEHAVIOR AT A PIANO RECITAL + + The same procedure is recommended for the piano or violin + recital, with the possible addition of certain phrases such as + “Yes—of course, she has technique—but, my dear, so has an + electric piano.” This remark gives you a splendid opportunity for + sarcasm at the expense of Mr. Duo-Art and other manufacturers of + mere mechanical perfection; the word “soul”—pronounced with deep + feeling, as when repeating a fish order to a stupid waiter—may be + introduced effectively several times. + + The program at these recitals is likely to be more complex than + that at a symphony concert. This is a distinct advantage, for it + gives you a splendid opportunity to catch some wretch applauding + before the music is really finished. Nothing is quite comparable + to the satisfaction of smiling knowingly at your neighbors when + this _faux pas_ is committed, unless it be the joy of being the + first to applaud at the _real_ conclusion. This latter course, + however, is fraught with danger for the beginner; the chances for + errors in judgment are many, and the only sure way to avoid + anachronistic applause is to play the safe game and refrain + altogether from any expression of approval—a procedure which is + heartily recommended for the musically ignorant, it being also + the practise among the majority of the critics. + + IN A BOX AT THE OPERA + + The opera differs from the symphony concert, or piano recital, in + the same way that the army drill command of “At Ease!” differs + from “Rest!” When one of these orders (I never could remember + which is given to a battalion in formation), it signifies that + talking is permitted; opera, of course, corresponds to that + command. + + Before the invention of the phonograph it was often necessary for + the opera goer to pay some attention to the performance—at least + while certain favorite arias were being sung; this handicap to + the enjoyment of opera has now fortunately been overcome and one + can devote one’s entire attention to other more important things, + safe in one’s knowledge that one has Galli-Curci at home on the + Vic. + + In order really to get the most out of an opera a great deal of + study and preparation is required in advance; I have not space at + this time to cover these preliminaries thoroughly, but would + recommend to the earnest student such supplemental information as + can be obtained from Lady Duff-Gordon, or Messrs. Tiffany, Técla + and Pinaud. + + Upon entering one’s box the true opera lover at once assumes a + musical attitude; this should be practised at home, by my lady, + before a mirror until she is absolutely sure that the shoulders + and back can be seen from any part of the house. Then, with the + aid of a pair of strong opera glasses, she may proceed to + scrutinize carefully the occupants of the boxes—noting carefully + any irregular features. Technical phraseology, useful in this + connection, includes “unearthly creature,” “stray leopard” or, + simply, “that person.” + + Your two magical formulas—the Russian “w” and the sad story about + Rachmaninoff’s daughter—may, of course, be held in reserve—but + the chances are that you will be unable to use them, for during + an evening at the opera there will probably be no mention of + music. + + + + +CHAPTER FIVE: ETIQUETTE FOR DRY AGENTS + + + SOME BROADER ASPECTS OF PROHIBITION + + In spite of the great pride and joy which we Americans feel over + the success of National Prohibition; in spite of the universal + popularity of the act and the method of its enforcement; in spite + of the fact that it is now almost impossible to obtain in any of + our ex-saloons anything in the least resembling whiskey or + gin,—there still remains the distressing suspicion that quite + possibly, at some of the dinner parties and dances of our more + socially prominent people, liquor—or its equivalent—is openly + being served. Dry agents have, of course, tried on several + occasions to verify this suspicion; their praiseworthy efforts + have met, for the most part, with scant success. + + The main difficulty has been, I believe, that the average dry + agent is too little versed in the customs and manners of polite + society. It is lamentably true that, too often, has a carefully + planned society dry raid been spoiled because the host noticed + that one of his guests was wearing white socks with a black tie, + or that the intruder was using his dessert spoon on the hors + d’œuvres. + + The solution of this difficulty lies, of course, in the gradual + procuring of a better class of dry agent. There are signs + (though, unfortunately, in the wrong direction) that some of our + younger college generation are already casting envious eyes + toward the rich rewards, the social opportunities and the + exciting life of the professional bootlegger. + + It might be well to interest some of these promising youngsters + in the no less exciting occupation of National Prohibition + Enforcement Officer. At present the chief difficulty seems to lie + in the fact that, in our preparatory schools and colleges, a + young man acquires a certain code of honor which causes him to + look with distaste on what he calls pussyfooting and sneaking. + + People too often forget that, in order to make effective such a + universally beneficent law, any means are justified. It will be, + I hope, only a matter of years before this distrust of the + “sneak” will have died out, and the Dry Agent will come to be + regarded with the reverence and respect due to one who devotes + his life to the altruistic investigation of his neighbor’s + affairs. + + THE COLLEGE GRADUATE AS DRY AGENT + + Then, too, many young college men are deterred from becoming Dry + Agents by thinking of the comparative scantiness of the monetary + rewards. This difficulty is only an imaginary one—for, luckily, + as soon as a man’s code of honor has been elevated to the extent + that it permits him to take up a career of pussy-footing there is + generally eliminated at the same time any objection he might have + to what is often called bribery. Thus, by a fortunate combination + of circumstances, a Dry Agent is enabled to serve mankind and, at + the same time, greatly increase his own personal fortune. + + But we cannot wait until our college graduates come to regard + pussyfooting as a career. We must do what we can with the + material at our disposal. We must in some way educate our present + Dry Agents so that they can go to any function in polite society + and remain as inconspicuous and as completely disregarded as the + host. As a first step in such a social training I offer the + following suggestions, in the hope that before long no function + will be complete without the presence of four or five correctly + dressed National Prohibition Enforcement Officers, ready and + eager to arrest the host and hostess and all the guests on the + slightest provocation. + + PLANNING A DRY RAID ON A MASQUERADE BALL + + Let us suppose, for example, that you are a Dry Agent and that + your name is Isador Eisenberg, and, one day, you and your chief + are sitting around the Dry Agent’s Club and he says to you, + “Izzy—I see by the paper that there’s a swell society masquerade + ball to be given by the younger married set tomorrow night at the + Glen Cove Country Club. Take your squad to cover it.” At this + point you doubtless say, “Chief, I’m afraid I can’t use my squad. + My men have been disguised as trained seals all this week, and + tomorrow night, they are to raid all the actresses’ dressing + rooms at the Hippodrome” and then the Chief says, “Well, Izzy, + you’ll have to rent a costume and pull off the raid all by + yourself.” + + A WORD ABOUT CORRECT COSTUMES + + Your first concern should be, of course, your costume. If you + have a high voice (although really there is no reason for + supposing that all Dry Agents have high voices), you might well + attend the masquerade disguised as a lady. One of the neatest + and, on the whole, most satisfactory of ladies’ disguises is that + of Cleopatra. Cleopatra, as you know, was once Queen of Egypt and + the costume is quite simple and attractive. It may be, however, + that you would prefer to appear as a modern rather than an + ancient queen. A modern Queen (if one may judge from the + illustrated foreign periodicals) always wears a plain suit and + carries a tightly rolled umbrella. Should you care to attend the + masquerade as an allegorical figure—say “2000 Years of + Progress”—you might wear the Cleopatra costume and carry the + umbrella. Or you might go attired as some other less prominent + member of the nobility—for instance, Lady Dartmouth, whose + delightful costume is more or less featured in the advertising on + our better class subways and street cars, and can be obtained at + a comparatively small cost at any reliable dry goods store. + + Should you, however, feel that you would be more at ease in a + male costume, there are several suggestions which might cleverly + conceal your real identity. You might, for example, attend the + ball as Jurgen—a costume which would assure you a pleasurable + evening and many pleasing acquaintances. You might, with equal + satisfaction, go as an Indian. + + It occurs to me that it might even be a clever move to attend the + party dressed as a Dry Agent. All suspicion would be instantly + lost in the uproar of laughter which would greet your + announcement of your disguise; many men would probably so far + enter into the spirit of the joke as to offer you drinks from + their flasks, and much valuable evidence could be obtained in + this way. And the costume is quite easy—simply wear a pleated + soft-bosom dress shirt with your evening dress, and tuck the ends + of your black tie under your collar. + +[Illustration] + +Packets of Old Letters Make Acceptable Wedding Gifts _Packets of old +letters, bits of verse, locks of hair, pressed flowers, inscribed +books, photographs, etc., all make acceptable wedding gifts. By telling +you whether they should be presented to the Bride or to the Groom_ +PERFECT BEHAVIOR _has, we feel, settled the question of future +happiness in many a new-made home._ + +[Illustration] + +Correct Methods of Using Table Hardware _You are, let us say, one of +the Ushers attending the Bachelor Dinner. You are handed a bottle of +Chateau Lafitte ’69. Can you select, from the diagram above, the proper +implement to use in getting at its contents? The correct methods of +choosing and using table hardware are explained in_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR. + +[Illustration] + +It Is Sometimes Best to Be Frank _The young couple in the picture are +trying to word a plausible letter of regret in answer to an invitation +to a house-party. Had they consulted their_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR _they +would have known that there is no plausible excuse for not accepting +any invitation whatever, and that the simplest and most dignified, +method is to write the attached model letter._ + + GOOD FORM FOR DRY AGENTS DURING A RAID + + After the costume, you should arrange to obtain a mask and a + breath. The former is, of course, for the purpose of hiding your + identity; the latter is essential at any party where you wish to + remain inconspicuous. A good whisky breath can usually be + obtained from a bottle of any of the better known brands of + Scotch or Rye whisky by holding a small quantity of the liquor in + the mouth for a short period of time. It is not, of course, + necessary to swallow the liquor and in this connection I would + suggest that you use only the best grade whisky, for there are at + present being manufactured for domestic consumption several + brands which, if held in the mouth for a longer interval than, + say, three seconds, are apt to eat away the tongue or dissolve + several of your more important teeth. + + On the night of the party, therefore, having donned your Dry + Agent costume, having put on your mask, having secured a good + breath—you jump into a taxicab and drive to the Glen Cove Country + Club. And, as you enter the door of the club, some girl, dressed, + probably, as Martha Washington, will run up and kiss you. This is + not because she thinks you are George Washington; it is because + she drank that eighth Bronx cocktail at dinner. + + And right at this point is where most Dry Agents have displayed + their ignorance of the usages of polite society, for most of them + are wofully ignorant of the correct way to handle such a + situation. Your average Dry Agent, not being accustomed to the + ways of Younger Marrieds, is often confused upon being + unexpectedly kissed, and in his confusion betrays his unfortunate + lack of social training. + + The correct way to meet the above situation is based on the + fundamental rule of all social etiquette—common sense. Return the + lady’s kiss in an easy, natural manner and pass on. If she + follows you, lead her at once to a quiet unoccupied corner of the + club and knock her over the head with a chair or some other + convenient implement. It has been found that this is the only + effective way to deal with this type of woman and it is really + only a kindness to her and her husband to keep her from + embarrassing you with her attentions during the rest of the + evening. + + After you have removed your coat, you should go to the ball room + where you will find the dance in full swing—full being of course + used in its common or alcoholic sense. Take your place in the + stag line and don’t, under any circumstances, allow anyone to + induce you to cut in on any of the dancers. In the first place, + you won’t be able to dance because Dry Agents, like Englishmen, + never can; secondly, if you _try_ to dance, you are taking the + enormous chance, especially at a masquerade, that the man who + introduced you to your partner will disappear for the rest of the + evening, leaving you with Somebody’s Albatross hanging around + your neck. And, of all Albatrosses, the married one is perhaps + farthest South—especially if she happens to be a little tight and + wants to talk about her husband and children. + + Your policy, therefore, should be one of complete + non-partisanship. If you do not dance, do not let yourself be + drawn into conversation, and do not, above all things, show any + consideration for the host or hostess. By closely observing the + actions of the men and women about you, by wandering down into + the club bar, by peeking into the automobiles parked outside the + club, you will probably be able to obtain sufficient evidence of + the presence of alcohol to justify a raid. And then, when you + have raided the Glen Cove Country Club, you can turn your + attention to the 12,635,439 other clubs and private houses where + the same thing is going on. And, if Mr. Volstead has a dress + suit, you might take him with you, and show him just how + beautifully Prohibition is working and how enthusiastic the + better classes of American society are about it. + + + + +CHAPTER SIX: A CHAPTER FOR SCHOOLGIRLS + + + Every Fall a larger number of young girls leave home to come East + to the various Finishing Schools in this section of the country. + For the benefit of those who are making this trip for the first + time, we outline a few of the more important points in connection + with the preliminaries to the trip East, together with minute + instructions as to the journey itself. + + SELECTING A PROPER SCHOOL + + This is, of course, mainly a parent’s problem and is best solved + by resorting to the following formula: Let A and B represent two + young girls’ finishing schools in the East. Mrs. Raleigh-Jones + (X), from the West, sends her daughter to A; Mrs. Borax (Y), from + the same city, sends her daughter to B. Upon consulting the local + social register, it is found that Mr. Raleigh-Jones is a member + of the Union, Colonial, Town and Country, and Valley Hunt Clubs; + upon consulting the telephone directory it is found that the + Boraxes live at 1217 S. Main Street, and that Mr. Borax is an + undertaker. Shall Mrs. F. B. Gerald (Z) send her daughter Annette + to A or to B, and why? + + Answer: A, because life is real, life is earnest, and the grave + is not its goal. + + CORRECT EQUIPMENT FOR THE SCHOOLGIRL + + Having selected an educational institution, the next requisite is + a suitable equipment. Girls who live in other parts of the United + States are often surprised to discover that the clothes which + they have purchased at the best store in their home town are + totally unsuited for the rough climate of the East. I would, + therefore, recommend the following list, subject, of course, to + variation in individual cases. + + 1 Dress, chine, crepe de, pink, for dancing. + 1 Dress, chine, crepe de, pink, for petting. + 1 Dress, Swiss, Dotted, blue, or + 1 Dress, Swiss, undotted, white. + 15 yards Tulle, best quality, pink. + 4 bottles perfume, domestic, or + 1 bottle, perfume, French. + 12 Dozen Dorine, men’s pocket size. + 6 Soles, cami, assorted. + 1 Brassiere, or riding habit. + 100 boxes aspirin, for dances and house-parties. + 1 wave, permanent, for conversation. + 24 waves, temporary. + 10,000 nets, hair. + 100,000 pins, hair. + 1 bottle Quelques Fleurs, for knockout. + + EN ROUTE + + After the purchase of a complete outfit, it will be necessary to + say goodbye to one’s local friends. Partings are always somewhat + sad, but it will be found that much simple pleasure may be + derived from the last nights with the various boys to whom one is + engaged. + + In this connection, however, it would be well to avoid making any + rash statements regarding undying friendship and affection, + because, when you next see Eddie or Walter, at Christmas time, + you will have been three months in the East, while they have been + at the State University, and really, after one starts dancing + with Yale men—well, it’s a funny world. + + In case you do not happen to meet any friends on the train, the + surest way to protect yourself from any unwelcome advances is to + buy a copy of the _Atlantic Monthly_ and carry it, in plain view. + Next to a hare lip, this is the safest protection for a + travelling young girl that I know of; it has, however, the one + objection that all the old ladies on the train are likely to tell + you what they think of Katherine Fullerton Gerould, or their + rheumatism. + + If you are compelled to go to the dining car alone, you will + probably sit beside an Elk with white socks, who will call the + waiter “George.” Along about the second course he will say to + you, “It’s warm for September, isn’t it?” to which you should + answer “No.” That will dispose of the Elk. + + Across the table from you will be a Grand Army man and his wife, + going to visit their boy Elmer’s wife’s folks in Schenectady. + When the fish is served, the Grand Army man will choke on a bone. + Let him choke, but do not be too hopeful, as the chances are that + he will dislodge the bone. All will go well until the dessert, + when his wife will begin telling how raspberry sherbet always + disagrees with her. Offer her your raspberry sherbet. + + After dinner you may wish to read for a while, but the porter + will probably have made up all the berths for the night. It will + also be found that the light in your berth does not work, so you + will be awake for a long time; finally, just as you are leaving + Buffalo, you will at last get to sleep, and when you open your + eyes again, you will be—in Buffalo. + + There will be two more awakenings that night—once at Batavia, + where a merry wedding party with horns and cow bells will follow + the lucky bride and groom into your car, and once at Schenectady, + where the Pullman car shock-absorbing tests are held. The next + morning, tired but unhappy, you will reach New York. + + A JOURNEY AROUND NEW YORK + + _The Aquarium_. Take Fifth Avenue Bus to Times Square. Transfer + to 42nd Street Crosstown. Get off at 44th Street, and walk one + block south to the Biltmore. The most interesting fish will be + found underneath the hanging clock, near the telephone booths. + + _Grant’s Tomb_. Take Fifth Avenue bus, and a light lunch. Change + at Washington Square to a blue serge or dotted Swiss. Ride to the + end of the line, and walk three blocks east. Then return the same + way you came, followed by three fast sets of tennis, a light + supper and early to bed. If you do not feel better in the + morning, cut out milk, fresh fruit and uncooked foods for a + while. + + _Metropolitan Museum of Art_. Take Subway to Brooklyn. + (Flatbush.) Then ask the subway guard where to go; he will tell + you. + + _The Bronx_. Take three oranges, a lemon, three of gin, to one of + vermouth, with a dash of bitters. Serve cold. + + _The Ritz_. Take taxicab and fifty dollars. If you have only + fifty dollars the filet of sole Marguéry is very good. + + _Brooklyn Bridge_. Terrible. And their auction is worse. + + When you have visited all these places, it will probably be time + to take the train to your school. + + THE FIRST DAYS IN THE NEW SCHOOL + + The first week of school life is apt to be quite discouraging, + and we can not too emphatically warn the young girl not to do + anything rash under the influence of homesickness. It is in this + initial period that many girls, feeling utterly alone and + friendless, write those letters to boys back home which are later + so difficult to pass off with a laugh. It is during this first + attack of homesickness also that many girls, in their loneliness, + recklessly accept the friendship of other strange girls, only to + find out later that their new acquaintance’s mother was a Miss + Gundlefinger of Council Bluffs, or that she lives on the south + side of Chicago. We advise: Go slow at first. + + BECOMING ACCLIMATIZED + + In your first day at school you will be shown your room; in your + room you will find a sad-eyed fat girl. You will be told that + this will be your room mate for the year. You will find that you + have drawn a blank, that she comes from Topeka, Kan., that her + paw made his money in oil, and that she is religious. You will be + nice to her for the first week, because you aren’t taking any + chances at the start; you will tolerate her for the rest of the + year, because she will do your lessons for you every night. + + Across the hall from you there will be two older girls who are + back for their second year. One of them will remind you of the + angel painted on the ceiling of the Victory Theatre back home, + until she starts telling about her summer at Narragansett; from + the other you will learn how to inhale. + + A VISITOR FROM PRINCETON + + About the middle of the first term your cousin Charley Waldron, + that freshman at Princeton, will write and say that he would like + to come up and see you. You go to Miss French and ask her if you + can have your cousin visit you. She sniffs at the “cousin” and + tell’s you that she must have a letter from Charley’s father, one + from Charley’s minister, one from the governor of your state, and + one from some disinterested party certifying that Charley has + never been in the penitentiary, has never committed arson, and is + a legitimate child. After you have secured these letters, Miss + French will tell you that Charley will be allowed to see you next + Saturday from four till five. + + Charley will come and will be ushered into the reception room. + While he is sitting there alone, the entire school will walk + slowly, one by one, past the open door and look in at him. This + will cause Charley to perspire freely and to wish to God he had + worn his dark suit. + + It is not at all likely that you will be allowed to go to New + Haven during your first year, which is quite a pity, as this + city, founded in 1638, is rich in historical interest. It was + here, for example, in 1893, that Yale defeated Harvard at + football, and the historic Pigskin which was used that day is + still preserved intact. Many other quaint relics are to be seen + in and around the city of elms, mementos of the past which bring + to the younger generation a knowledge and respect for things + gone. In the month of June, for example, there is really nothing + which quite conjures up for the college youth of today a sense of + the mutability and impermanence of this mortal life so much as + the sight of a member of the class of 1875 after three days’ + intensive drinking. _Eheu fugaces!_ + +[Illustration] + +“Who Shall Write First?” _“Who shall write first?” is a question that +has perplexed many a lady or gentleman who is anxious to do the correct +thing under any circumstances. A lady who has left town may send a +brief note or a “P. P. C.” (“pour prendre congé,” i.e., “to take +leave”) card to a gentleman who remains at home, if the gentleman is +her husband and if she has left town with his business partner. Neither +the note nor the card requires an acknowledgment, but many a husband +takes pleasure in penning his congratulations to the lady, concluding +with an expression of gratitude to his friend._ + + + + +CHAPTER SEVEN: THE ETIQUETTE OF GAMES AND SPORTS + + + GOLF AS A PASTIME + + “Golf” (from an old Scottish word meaning “golf”) is becoming + increasingly popular in the United States, and almost every city + now has at least one private club devoted to the pursuit of this + stylish pastime. Indeed, in many of our larger metropolises, the + popular enthusiasm has reached such heights that free “public” + courses have been provided for the citizens with, I may say, + somewhat laughable results, as witness the fact that I myself + have often seen persons playing on these “public” courses in + ordinary shirts and trousers, tennis shoes, and _suspenders_. + + The influence of this “democratization” on the etiquette of what + was once an exclusive sport has been, in many instances, + deplorable, and I am sure that our golf-playing forefathers would + turn over in their graves were they to “play around” today on one + of the “public” courses. In no pastime are the customs and + unwritten laws more clearly defined, and it is essential that the + young lady or gentleman of fashion who contemplates an afternoon + on the “links” devote considerable time and attention to the + various niceties of the etiquette of this ancient and honorable + game. + + A young man, for example, when playing with his employer, should + always take pains to let his employer win. This is sometimes + extremely difficult, but with practice even the most stubborn of + obstacles can be overcome. On the first tee, for instance, after + the employer, having swung and missed the ball completely one or + two times, has managed to drive a distance of some forty-nine + yards to the extreme right, the young man should take care to + miss the ball completely _three_ times, and then drive + forty-eight yards to the extreme left. This is generally done by + closing the eyes tightly and rising up sharply on both toes just + before hitting the ball. + + On the “greens” it is customary for a young man to “concede” his + employer every “putt” which is within twenty feet of the hole. If + the employer insists on “putting” [Ed. note:—He won’t] and + misses, the young man should take care to miss his own “putt.” + After both have “holed out,” the young man should ask, “how many + strokes, sir?” The employer will reply, “Let me see—I think I + took seven for this hole, didn’t I?” A well-bred young man will + not under any circumstances remind his employer that he saw him + use at least three strokes for the drive, three strokes for his + second shot, four strokes in the “rough,” seven strokes in the + “bunker,” and three “putts” on the “green,” but will at once + reply, “No, sir, I think you only took six, altogether.” The + employer will then say, “Well, well, call it six. I generally get + five on this hole. What did you take?” The young man should then + laugh cheerily and reply, “Oh, I took my customary seven.” To + which the employer will sympathetically say, “Too bad!” + + After the employer has thus won his first three holes he will + begin to offer the young man advice on how to improve his game. + This is perhaps the most trying part of the afternoon’s sport, + but a young man of correct breeding and good taste will always + remember the respect due an older man, and will not make the + vulgar error of telling his employer for God’s sake shut up + before he gets a brassie in his———— ear. + + A wife playing with her husband should do everything in her power + to make the game enjoyable for the latter. She should encourage + him, when possible, with little cheering proverbs, such as, “If + at first you don’t succeed, try, try again,” and she should aid + him with her advice when she thinks he is in need of it. Thus, + when he drives into the sycamore tree on number eleven, she + should say, “Don’t you think, dear, that if you aimed a little + bit more to the right....” et cetera. When they come to number + fourteen, and his second shot lands in the middle of the lake, + she should remark, “Perhaps you didn’t hit it hard enough, dear.” + And when, on the eighteenth, his approach goes through the + second-story window of the club-house, she should say, “Dear, I + wonder if you didn’t hit that too hard?” Such a wife is a true + helpmate, and not merely a pretty ornament on which a silly + husband can hang expensive clothes, and if he is the right sort + of man, he will appreciate this, and refrain from striking her + with a niblick after this last remark. + + A young wife who does not play the game herself can, + nevertheless, be of great help to her husband by listening + patiently, night after night, while he tells her how he drove the + green on number three, and took a four on number eight (Par + five), and came up to the fourteenth one under fours. Caddies + should be treated at all times with the respect and pity due + one’s fellow creatures who are “unfortunate.” The sins of the + fathers are visited upon the children, and one should always + remember that it is not, after all, the poor caddy’s fault that + he was born blind. + + AN AFTERNOON AT THE OLD FARM WITH THE DICE + + “Craps” is a game played with dice, which is often popular in the + men’s coat and smoking-rooms before and during formal receptions, + balls, recitals, etcetera. It should not be imagined, however, + that “craps” is a sport for men only; on the contrary, smart + women are enthusiastically taking up this sport in numerous + localities, and many an affair which started as a dinner party or + a musicale has ended in a crap game, with all the guests seated + in an excited circle on the floor, contributing to the host’s + efforts to make expenses for the evening. + + It is in connection with these “mixed” games, however, that most + of the more serious questions of “craps” etiquette arise. If, for + example, you are a young man desirous of “shooting craps” with + your grandmother, the correct way of indicating your desire when + you meet the old lady in a public place is for you to remove your + hat deferentially and say “Shoot a nickel, Grandmother?” If she + wishes to play she will reply “Shoot, boy!” and you should then + select some spot suitable for the game and assist her, if she + wishes your aid, to kneel on the ground. It might be an added + mark of gentility to offer her your handkerchief or coat upon + which to rest her knees. + + You should then take out the dice and “shoot.” Your grandmother + will look at your “throw” and say, “Oh, boy! He fives—he fives—a + three and a two—never make a five—come on, you baby seven!” You + should then take up the dice again and shake them in your right + hand while your grandmother chants, “A four and a three—a four + and a two—dicety dice, and an old black joe—come on, you SEVEN!” + You should then again “shoot.” This time, as you have thrown a + six and a one, your grandmother will then exclaim, “He sevens—the + boy sevens—come on to grandmother, dice—talk to the nice old + lady—Phoebe for grandma, dice, for grandpa needs a new pair of + shoes—shoot a dime!” + + She will then “throw,” and so the game will go on until the old + lady evidences a desire to stop, or, possibly, until either you + or she are “cleaned out.” In this latter case, however, it would + be a customary act of courtesy towards an older person for you to + offer to shoot your grandmother for her shawl or her side combs, + thus giving her several more chances to win back the money she + has lost. It should be recommended that young men never make a + mistake in going a little out of their way on occasion to make + life more pleasant and agreeable for the aged. + + CORRECT BEHAVIOR ON A PICNIC + + There often comes a time in the life of the members of “society” + when they grow a little weary of the ceaseless round of teas, + balls and dinners, and for such I would not hesitate to recommend + a “picnic.” + + A day spent in the “open,” with the blue sky over one’s head, is + indeed a splendid tonic for jaded nerves. But one should not make + the mistake of thinking that because he (or she) is “roughing it” + for a day, he (or she) can therefore leave behind his (or her) + “manners,” for such is not the case. There is a distinct + etiquette for picnics, and any one who disregards this fact is + apt to find to his (or her) sorrow that the “shoe” in this case + is decidedly “on the other foot.” + + A young man, for example, is often asked by a young lady to + accompany her on a “family picnic.” To this invitation he should, + after some consideration, reply either “Yes” or “No,” and if the + former, he should present himself at the young lady’s house + promptly on the day set for the affair (usually Sunday). + + A “family picnic” generally consists of a Buick, a father, a + mother, a daughter, a small son, beef loaf, lettuce sandwiches, a + young man (you), two blow-outs, one spare tire, and Aunt + Florence. + + The father drives with his small boy beside him; in the rear are + the mother, the daughter, Aunt Florence, the thermos bottles, the + lunch baskets and you. As you take your seat you must remember + that it is a distinct evidence of bad breeding to show in any way + that you are conscious of the fact that the car has been standing + for the last hour and forty-four minutes in the hot July sun. + + “We’re off!” cries father, pressing his foot on the self-starting + pedal. Thirty minutes later you roll away from the curb and the + picnic has begun. The intervening time has, of course, been + profitably spent by you in walking to the nearest garage for two + new sparkplugs. + + It should be your duty, as guest, to see that the conversation in + the rear seat is not allowed to lag. “It’s a great day,” you + remark, as the car speeds along. “I think it’s going to rain,” + replies Aunt Florence. “Not too fast, Will!” says mother. + “Mother!” says the daughter. + + Ten minutes later you should again remark, “My, what a wonderful + day!” “Those clouds are gathering in the west,” says Aunt + Florence, “I think we had better put the top up.” “I think this + is the wrong road,” says mother. + + “Dear, I know what I’m doing,” replies father. + + The secret of good conversation lies in discovering the “hobby” + of the person with whom one is conversing, and a good talker + always throws out several “feelers” in order to find out the + things in which his partner is most interested. You should, + therefore, next say to mother, “Don’t you think this is a + glorious day for a picnic?” to which she will reply, “Well, I’m + sure this is the wrong road. Hadn’t you better ask?” The husband + will answer nothing, but Aunt Florence will murmur, “I think I + felt a drop of rain, Will. If you don’t put the top up now, we’ll + all be drenched.” + + The husband will then stop the car, and you and he will proceed + to put up the top. In doing this, it is customary for the guest + to get the second and third fingers of his right hand so severely + pinched that he can not use the hand for several days. As soon as + the top is up and the rain curtains are in place the sun will + come out and you can at once get out and put the top down, taking + care this time to ruin two fingers of the _left_ hand. + + No good conversationalist confines himself exclusively to one + subject, and when you are once more “under way” you should remark + to the mother, “I think that motoring is great fun, don’t you, + Mrs. Caldwell?” Her answer will be, “I wish you wouldn’t drive so + fast!” You should then smile and say to Aunt Florence, “Don’t + _you_ think that motoring is great fun, Mrs. Lockwood?” As she is + about to reply, the left rear tire will blow out with a loud + noise and the car will come to a bumping stop. + + The etiquette of changing a tire is fairly simple. As soon as the + “puncture” occurs one should at once remark, “Is there anything I + can do?” This request should be repeated from time to time, + always taking care, however, that no one takes it at all + seriously. The real duty of a young man who is a “guest” on a + motor trip on which a “blow-out” occurs is, of course, to keep + the ladies of the party amused during the delay. This can be + accomplished by any of the conventional methods, such as card + tricks, handsprings, and other feats of athletic agility, or + making funny jokes about the host who is at work on the tire. + + When the damage has been repaired and the car is once more + speeding along, leaving behind it mile after mile of dusty road + as well as father’s best “jack” and set of tire tools, the small + boy will suddenly remark, “I’m hungry.” His father will then + reply, “We’ll be at a fine place to eat in ten minutes.” Thirty + minutes later mother will remark, “Will, that looks like a good + place for a picnic over there.” The father will reply, “No—we’re + coming to a wonderful place—just trust me, Mary!” Twenty minutes + later Aunt Florence will say, “Will, I think that grove over + there would be fine for our lunch,” to which the husband will + reply, “We’re almost at the place I know about—it’s ideal for a + picnic.” Forty minutes after this, father will stop the car and + point to a clump of trees. “There,” he will say, “what do you + think of that?” “Oh, we can’t eat _there!_” will be the answer of + mother, daughter and Aunt Florence. “Drive on a bit further—I + think I know a place.” + + Three hours and thirty minutes later (i. e. four hours past your + normal lunch hour) there will be another puncture and as the car + stops beside a wheat field it will begin to rain, and the + daughter will sigh, “Well, we might as well eat here.” The + “picnic” will then be held in the car, and nothing really quite + carries one back to nature and primeval man as does warm lemonade + and a lettuce sandwich in a Buick with the top up and side + curtains on. + + After lunch it will be time to return home, and after you and + father have ruined your clothes in repairing the punctures, the + merry party will proceed on its way. The next morning, if you + have not caught pneumonia, you will be able to go to your work + greatly refreshed by your day’s outing in the lap of old Mother + Nature. + +[Illustration] + +Correct Negotiations for a Seat in the Subway _Nowhere is the etiquette +of travel more abused than our subways. The gentleman shown above is en +route to his fiancée’s flat in the Bronx. He has neglected to purchase +the customary bouquet for his intended and has offered his seat to the +lady, who is standing, in exchange for her corsage bouquet. Should she +accept the proposition without further ado, or should she request the +guard to introduce the gentleman first?_ + +[Illustration] + +Old Fashioned Letter and Writers vs. Perfect Behavior _The young lady +has received an invitation to a quilting-bee from a Mrs. Steenwyck and, +anxious to make a correct reply, she has bought a Complete Letter +Writer to aid her to this end. To her surprise and dismay, she finds +that it contains three model replies to such an invitation beginning +“Dear Mrs. Peartree,” “Dear Mrs. Rombouts,” and “Dear Mrs. Bevy,” and +one invitation to a christening beginning, “Dear Mrs. Steenwyck,” but +no reply to an invitation to a quilting-bee beginning “Dear Mrs. +Steenwyck.”_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR _settles such perplexities._ + +[Illustration] + +What to Avoid in Crests _Crests or other armorial bearings on notepaper +are no longer considered absolutely necessary to establish one’s social +position. Nevertheless, if one feels that note-paper that does not bear +the family escutcheon is not quite all that note-paper should be, it is +permissible to have it stamped neatly at the top of the first sheet. +Care should be exercised to avoid selecting coats-of-arms that might be +recognized, such as that of the United States or Great Britain. Rather +solicit the taste of a good stationer than commit the blunders depicted +above._ + + BOXING IN AMERICAN SOCIETY + + Although many of America’s foremost boxers have been persons whom + one would not care to know socially, yet much fun and pleasure + can be had out of the “manly art” if practised in a gentlemanly + manner. + + “Boxing parties” are generally held in the evening. The ballroom + of one’s home can be pleasantly decorated for the occasion, with + a square ring roped off in the centre surrounded by seats for the + ladies and gentlemen who come as invited guests. Evening dress is + usually worn. + + The contests should be between various members of one’s social + “set” who are fond of the sport and can be counted on to remember + at all times that they are gentlemen. + + The matches should be arranged in tournament form, so that the + winner of one bout meets the winner of the next bout, et cetera, + until all but two have been eliminated. The boxer who wins this + final contest shall be proclaimed the “champion.” + + Great fun can then be had by announcing that the “champion” will + be permitted to box three rounds with a “masked marvel.” The + identity of this “unknown” (who is usually Jack Dempsey or some + other noted professional pugilist) should be kept carefully + secret, so that all the guests are in a glow of mystified + excitement when the contest begins, and you can imagine their + delight and happy enthusiasm when the “masked marvel” cleverly + knocks the “champion” for a double loop through the ropes into + the lap of some tittering “dowager.” + + Refreshments should then be served and the “champion” can be + carried home in a car or ambulance provided by the thoughtful + host. + + BRIDGE WHIST + + “Bridge whist,” or “Bridge,” as it is often called by the younger + generation, is rapidly replacing whist as the favorite card game + of good society, and “bridge” parties are much _en vogue_ for + both afternoon and evening entertainments. In order to become an + expert “bridge” player one must, of course, spend many months and + even years in a study of the game, but any gentleman or lady of + average intelligence can, I believe, pick up the fundamentals of + “bridge” in a short while. + + Let us suppose, for example, that you, as a “young man about + town,” are invited to play “bridge” on the evening of Friday, + November seventeenth, at the home of Mrs. Franklin Gregory. Now, + although you may have played the game only once or twice in your + life, it would never do to admit the fact, for in good society + one is supposed to play “bridge” just as one is supposed to hate + newspaper publicity, and on the evening of Friday, November + seventeenth, you should present yourself in suitable attire at + Mrs. Gregory’s home. + + There you will find fifteen or twenty other guests, and after a + few minutes of light social banter a bell will ring and the + players will take their places. At your table will be Mrs. F. + Jamison Dollings (your partner) and Mr. and Mrs. Theodore Watts. + Mrs. Dollings (Sept. 6, 1880) is considered one of the most + expert “bridge” players in the city, while Mr. Watts has one of + the largest retail clothing stores in the central part of the + State. Mrs. Watts was one of the Van Cortlandt girls (the plain + one). + + As you are probably (next to Mr. and Mrs. Watts) the worst + “bridge” player in the room it should be your duty to make up for + this deficiency by keeping the other three players + conversationally stimulated, for nothing so enlivens a game of + “bridge” as a young man or woman with a pleasing personality and + a gift for “small talk.” Thus, at the very beginning, after you + have finished dealing the cards, you should fill in what seems to + you an embarrassing pause by telling one of your cleverest + stories, at the conclusion of which Mrs. Dollings will remark, + “We are waiting for your bid, Mr. S——.” + + The etiquette of “bidding,” as far as you are concerned, should + resolve itself into a consistent effort on your part to become + “dummy” for each and every game. The minute your partner (Mrs. + Dollings) bids anything, it should be your duty as a gentleman to + see that she gets it, no matter what the cost. + + Thus, on the first hand, you “pass.” Mr. Watts then says, “Wait a + minute, till I get these cards fixed”; to which Mrs. Watts + replies, “Theodore, for Heaven’s sake, how long do you want?” Mr. + Watts then says, “Which is higher—clubs or hearts?” to which Mrs. + Watts replies, “Clubs.” Mrs. Dollings then says, “I beg your + pardon, but hearts have always been considered higher than + clubs.” Mrs. Watts says, “Oh, yes, of course,” and gives Mr. + Watts a mean look. Mr. Watts then says, “I bid—let’s see—I bid + two spades—no, two diamonds.” Mrs. Dollings quickly says, “Two + lilies,” Mr. Watts says, “What’s a lily?” to which Mrs. Watts + replies, “Theodore!” and then bids “Two spades,” at which Mrs. + Dollings says, “I beg your pardon, but I have just bid two + spades.” Mr. Watts then chuckles, and Mrs. Watts says (but not to + Mr. Watts), “I beg your pardon.” Mrs. Watts then bids “Three + spades,” at which you quickly say, “Four spades.” + + This bid is not “raised.” Mrs. Dollings then says to you, “I am + counting on your spades to help me out,” at which you look at the + only spade in your hand (the three) and answer, “Ha! Ha! Ha!” + There is then a wait of four minutes, at the end of which Mrs. + Dollings wearily says, “It is your first lead, is it not, Mrs. + Watts?” Mrs. Watts then blushes, says, “Oh, I beg your pardon!” + and leads the four of hearts. You then lay down your “dummy” + hand. Before Mrs. Dollings has had time to discover just what you + have done to her, you should rise quickly and say, “Excuse me, + but I want to use the telephone a minute.” You should then go + into the next room and wait ten or fifteen minutes. When you + return Mrs. Dollings will have disappeared, Mrs. Watts will be + looking fixedly at Mr. Watts, and Mr. Watts will be saying, + “Well, it’s a silly game, anyway.” + + You and Mr. and Mrs. Watts can then have a nice game of + twenty-five cent limit stud poker for the rest of the evening, + and it would certainly be considered a thoughtful and gracious + “gesture” if, during the next two or three weeks, you should call + occasionally at the hospital to see how Mrs. Dollings is “getting + on,” or you might even send some flowers or a nice potted plant. + + FORMAL AND INFORMAL DRINKING + + “Drinking” has, of course, always been a popular sport among the + members of the better classes of society, but never has the + enthusiasm for this pastime been so great in America as since the + advent of “prohibition.” Gentlemen and ladies who never before + cared much for “drinking” have now given up almost all other + amusements in favor of this fascinating sport; young men and + debutantes have become, in the last few years, fully as expert in + the game as their parents. In many cities “drinking” has become + more popular than “bridge” or dancing and it is predicted that, + with a few more years of “prohibition,” “drinking” will supersede + golf and baseball as the great American pastime. + + The effect of this has been to change radically many of the + fundamental rules of the sport, and the influence on the + etiquette of the game has been no less marked. What was + considered “good form” in this pastime among our forefathers now + decidedly _démodé_, and the correct drinker of 1910 is as + obsolete and out of date in the present decade as the + “frock-coat.” + + The game today is divided into (a) formal and (b) informal + drinking. “Formal drinking” is usually played after dinner and is + more and more coming to take the place of charades, + sleight-of-hand performances, magic lantern shows, “dumb crambo,” + et cetera, as the parlor amusement _par excellence_. “Formal + drinking” can be played by from one to fifteen people in a house + of ordinary dimensions; for a larger number it is generally + better to provide a garage, a large yard, and special police, + fire and plate glass insurance. The game is played with glasses, + ice, and a dozen bottles of either whisky or gin. + + The sport is begun by the host’s wife, who says, “How would you + all like to play a little bridge?” This is followed by silence. + Another wife then says, “I think it would be awfully nice to play + a little bridge.” One of the men players then steps forward and + says “I think it would be awfully nice to have a little drink.” + + An “It” is then selected—always, by courtesy, the host. The “It” + then says, “How would you all like to have a little drink?” The + men players then answer in the affirmative and the “It’s” wife + says, “Now Henry dear, please—remember what happened last time.” + The “It” replies, “Yes, dear,” and goes into the cellar, while + the “It’s” wife, after providing each guest with a glass, puts + away the Dresden china clock, the porcelain parrot. and the gold + fish globe. + + Sides are chosen—usually with the husbands on one “team” and the + wives on the other. The purpose of the game is for the + “husbands’, team” to try to drink up all the “It’s” liquor before + the “wives’ team” can get them to go home. + + When the “It” returns with the liquor he pours out a portion for + each player and at a given signal all drink steadily for several + minutes. The “It’s” wife then says, “Now—how about a few rubbers + of bridge?” She is immediately elected “team captain” for the + rest of the evening. It is the duty of the “team captain” to + provide cracked ice and water, to get ready the two spare + bedrooms, to hold Wallie Spencer’s hand, to keep Eddie Armstrong + from putting his lighted cigaret ends on the piano, and to break + up the party as soon as possible. The game generally ends when + (1) the liquor is all gone, (2) the “It” (or three guests) have + passed “out,” (3) Wallie Spencer starts telling about his war + experiences. “Informal” drinking needs, of course, no such + elaborate preparations and can be played anywhere and any time + there is anything to drink. The person who is caught with the + liquor is “It,” and the object of the game is to take all the + liquor away from the “It” as soon as possible. In order to avoid + being “It,” many players sometimes resort to various low + subterfuges, such as sneaking down alone to the club locker-room + during a dance, but this practise is generally looked upon with + great disfavor—especially by that increasingly large group of + citizens who are unselfishly devoting their lives to the cause of + a “dry America” by consuming all of the present rapidly + diminishing visible supply. + + A JOLLY HALLOWE’EN PARTY + + The problem of providing suitable entertainment for one’s + informal parties is something which has perplexed many a host and + hostess in recent years. How often has it happened that just when + you had gotten your guests nicely seated around the parlor + listening to the Caruso record, some ill-mannered fellow would + remark, “Oh, Lord—let’s go over to the Tom Phillips’ and get + something to drink.” How many times in the past have you prepared + original little “get-together” games, such as Carol Kennicott did + in _Main Street_, only to find that, when you again turned the + lights on, half the company had disappeared for the evening. + + Of course we cannot all be as startlingly clever as Carol, but + Hallowe’en, which comes this year on October 31st, offers a + splendid opportunity for originality and “peppy” fun. The + following suggestions are presented to ambitious hostesses with + the absolute guaranty that no matter what other reactions her + guests may have, they will certainly not be bored. + +[Illustration] + +Care Should Be Exercised in the Choice of Post-Cards _Few people +realize the value of picture post-cards as indicators of the birth, +breeding, and character of the sender, yet nothing so definitely +“places” a person socially as his choice of these souvenirs. Could you +have selected the senders of the above cards?_ + +[Illustration] + +Cards Concealed about the Person Betray the Boor _In spite of his +haughty airs and fine clothes, the gentleman betrays that he is not +much accustomed to good society when, having been asked by his hostess +if he would care to remove his coat and waistcoat during the warm +evening of bridge, he, in doing so, reveals the presence of several +useful cards hidden about his person. This sort of thing, while often +tolerated at less formal “stag” poker-parties, is seldom, ever, +permissible when ladies are present. The young man was simply ignorant +of the fact that Hoyle and not Herman the Great is the generally +accepted authority on cards in the “beau monde.”_ + + INVITATIONS + + The whole spirit of Hallowe’en is, of course, one of “spooky” + gayety and light-hearted ghastliness. Witches and ghosts run + riot; corpses dance and black cats howl. “More work for the + undertaker” should be the leitmotif of the evening’s fun. + + The moribund spirit can be delightfully observed, first of all, + in the preparation of the invitations. I know of one hostess, for + instance, who gained a great reputation for originality by + enclosing a dead fish with each bidding to the evening’s + gayeties. It is, of course, not at all necessary to follow her + example to the letter; the enclosure of anything dead will + suffice, providing, of course, that it is not TOO dead. There is + such a thing as carrying a joke beyond the limits of propriety, + and the canons of good taste should always be respectfully + observed. + + Another amusing way of preparing invitations is to cut out + colored paper in the shape of cats, witches, etc., upon which + appropriate verses are inscribed. Such as: + + “Next Monday night is Hallowe’en, + You big stiff.” + or + “On Monday next comes All-Hallows-Even, + My grandmother’s maiden name was Stephens.” + or + “On Hallowe’en you may see a witch + If you don’t look out, you funny fellow.” + or + “Harry and I are giving a Hallowe’en party; + Harry says you owe him four dollars; please be prompt. + or + “Monday night the ghosts do dance; + Why didn’t you enlist and go to France, + You slacker?” + + Another novel invitation is made by cutting a piece of yellow + paper thirteen inches long and four inches wide, and writing on + each inch one of the lines given below. Then begin at the bottom + and fold the paper up, inch by inch. Fasten the last turn down + with a “spooky” gummed sticker, and slip into a small envelope. + When the recipient unfolds the invitation, he will be surprised + to read the following: + + Now what on earth + do you suppose + is in this + little folder + keep turning + ha ha ha + further + ha ha ha + further + ha ha ha, + further + ha ha ha + further + + It would perhaps be best to telephone the next day to those + guests whom you really want, and give them further details as to + the date and time of the party. Additional fun can be gotten out + of this invitation by failing to put postage stamps on the + envelopes when you mail them; the two cents which each guest will + have to pay for postage due can be returned in a novel manner on + the night of the party by inserting them in sandwiches or stuffed + tomatoes. + + For those who may wish to send out more elaborate invitations, + the following distinctly original plan is suggested: Procure a + number of small alarm clocks and a quantity of nitroglycerine or + other high explosive. Insert in each clock a small amount of the + nitroglycerine, being careful not to put too much; a quantity + sufficient to wreck a room 20 X 30 Will generally suffice. Then + arrange the alarm mechanism so that the explosion will occur at + 12 midnight. Attach to the clock a card, neatly decorated with + witches, goblins, etc., on which is written + + “Midnight is the mystic hour + Of yawning graves and coffins dour. + Beneath your bed this clock please hide + And when it strikes—you’ll be surprised.” + + These clocks should then be delivered in the afternoon to those + of the guests whom you are merely inviting because they are your + husband’s business associates, or because they were nice to your + mother when she did her own work. Later on, in order to avoid + hard feelings on the part of relatives and friends of the + deceased, it might be well to explain to them that you sent the + clocks only in the spirit of Hallowe’en fun; it might even help + to invite them to one of your next parties. + + RECEIVING THE GUESTS + + On Hallowe’en night great care should be taken in the + preparations for receiving the guests in a mystic manner; no + pains should be spared in the effort to start the evening off + with a “bang.” + + Several novel ideas are offered for starting the guests off on + the right informal spirit. Before they arrive, it is a good plan + to take the street number off your house and fasten it to the + porch of your next door neighbors, who will, of course, be at + home because they are perfectly impossible people whom no one + would invite anywhere. Extinguish all the lights in your own + house; your neighbor, as he comes downstairs twenty-five or + thirty times in the next hour, will obligingly tell your + bewildered friends specifically where to go. + + When the guest finally learns from the neighborhood policeman + which house on the block is really yours he will discover on your + door a sign reading: + + “If you would be my Valentine, + Follow please the bright green line.” + + Leading from the door is a green cord which the mystified guest + proceeds to follow, according to directions. This cord should + guide the way to the coal cellar of your other neighbor who has + recently purchased an automatic revolver under the delusion that + burglars are operating in the neighborhood. As your bewildered + guest gropes his way about the cellar, it is quite likely that he + will be shot at several times and by the time he emerges (if he + does emerge) he will be quite delightfully full of the informal + spirit of Hallowe’en and ready for anything. + + HOW TO MYSTIFY + + At this point, your wife, dressed as a witch, should unexpectedly + rush out at him; there is always the delightful possibility that + he will pick up a convenient rock and brain her on the spot—an + event which often adds an unexpected touch of gayety to the + evening’s fun. If, however, no such event occurs, the guest + should be blindfolded and led into the house. Once inside he is + conducted upstairs to the attic, where he will find three or four + earlier arrivals also blindfolded. + + The hands and feet of these four are then securely tied and they + are told that they are to be left there all evening. This is + really a great joke, because they do not, of course, at the time, + believe what you say, and when you come up to untie them the next + morning, their shame-faced discomposure is truly laughable. + + The green-cord-into-neighbor’s-coal-cellar joke can be cleverly + varied by taking the lid off your cistern and making the green + line lead in that direction. Great care should be taken, however, + to keep an exact account of the number of guests who succumb to + this trick, for although an unexpected “ducking” is + excruciatingly humorous, drowning often results fatally. + + Great fun can be added to the evening’s entertainment by dressing + several of the guests as ghosts, witches, corpses, etc; these + costumes can be quite simply and economically made in the home, + or can be procured from some reliable department store. + + An “old-fashioned” witch’s costume consists of a union suit + (Munsing or any other standard brand), corset, brassiere, + chemise, underpetticoat, overpetticoat, long black skirt, long + black stockings, shoes, black waist and shawl, with a pointed + witch’s hat and a broomstick. The “modern” witch’s costume is + much simpler and inexpensive in many details. + + A particularly novel and “hair raising” effect may be produced by + painting the entire body of one of the male guests with + phosphorus. As this glowing nude stalks uncannily through the + darkened rooms you may easily imagine the ghastly + effect—especially upon his wife. + + GAMES + + After the guests have sufficiently amused themselves with the + ghosts and witches it will be time to commence some of the many + games which are always associated with Hallowe’en. “Bobbing for + apples” is, of course, the most common of these games and great + sport it is, too, to watch the awkward efforts of the guests as + they try to pick up with their teeth the apples floating in a + large tub. I know of one hostess who added greatly to the + evening’s fun by pouring twelve quarts of gin into the tub; the + effect on the bobbers was, of course, extremely comical, except + for the unfortunate conduct of two gentlemen, one of whom went to + sleep in the tub, the other so far forgetting himself as + playfully to throw all the floating fruit at the hostess’ pet + Pomeranian. + + Most Hallowe’en games concern themselves with delving into the + future in the hopes that one may there discover one’s husband or + bride-to-be. In one of these games the men stand at one end of + the room, facing the girls, with their hands behind their backs + and eyes tightly closed. The girls are blindfolded and one by one + they are led to within six feet of the expectant men and given a + soft pin cushion which they hurl forward. The tradition is that + whichever man the girl hits, him will she marry. Great fun can be + added to the game by occasionally substituting a rock or iron + dumb-bell in place of the romantic pin cushion. + + Another game based on a delightful old Hallowe’en tradition is as + follows: A girl is given a lighted candle and told to walk + upstairs into the room at the end of the hall where, by looking + in a mirror, she will see her future husband. Have it arranged so + that you are concealed alone in the room. When the girl arrives, + look over her shoulder into the mirror. She had better go + downstairs after ten minutes, though, so that another girl can + come up. This tradition dates from before William the Conqueror. + + No Hallowe’en is complete, of course, without fortune telling. + Dress yourself as a wizard and have the guests led in one by one + to hear their fortune told. Hanging in front of you should be a + caldron, from which you extract the slip of paper containing the + particular fortune. These slips of paper should be prepared + beforehand. The following are suggested: + + “You will meet a well dressed, good looking man who understands + you better than your husband. How about Thursday at the Plaza?” + + “You are about to receive a shipment of Scotch whisky that you + ordered last month. And it’s about time you kicked across with + some of your own.” + + “You will have much trouble in your life if you lie about your + golf score as you did last Sunday on Number 12.” + + Still another pleasing Hallowe’en game, based on the revelation + of one’s matrimonial future, is played as follows: Seven lighted + candles are placed in a row on a table. The men are then + blindfolded, whirled around three times and commanded to blow out + the candles. The number extinguished at a blow tells the number + of years before they meet their bride. This game only grows + interesting, of course, when some old goat with long whiskers can + be induced to take a blind shot at blowing out the candles. Have + Pyrene convenient—but not too convenient to spoil the fun. + + For the older members of the party, the host should provide + various games of cards and dice. In keeping with the ghastly + spirit of the occasion, it would be well to have the dice + carefully loaded. Many hosts have thus been able to make all + expenses and often a handsome profit out of the evening’s + entertainment. + + If the crap game goes particularly well, many hosts do not + hesitate to provide elaborate refreshments for the guests. Here, + too, the spirit of fun and jollity should prevail, and great + merriment is always provoked by the ludicrous expression of the + guest who has broken two teeth on the cast-iron olive. Other + delightful surprises should be arranged, and a little Sloan’s + liniment in the punch or ground glass in the ice cream will go a + long way toward making the supper amusing. And finally, when the + guests are ready to depart and just before they discover that you + have cut cute little black cats and witches out of the backs of + their evening wraps and over coats, it would perhaps be well to + run up stairs and lock yourself securely in your room. + + + + +CHAPTER EIGHT: CORRESPONDENCE AND INVITATIONS + + + CORRESPONDENCE + + It is narrated of a well-known English lady (who is noted on the + other side of the Atlantic for the sharpness of her wit) that on + one occasion, when a vainglorious American was boasting of his + country’s prowess in digging the Panama Canal, she calmly waited + until he had finished and then replied, with an indescribable + smile, “Ah—but you Americans do not know how to write letters.” + Needless to say the discomfited young man took himself off at the + earliest opportunity. + + There is much truth, alas, in the English lady’s clever retort, + for the automatic typewriter, the telegraph, and the penny postal + card have done much to cause a gradual decline in the gentle art + of correspondence. As one American woman recently remarked to a + visitor (with more wit, however, than good taste), “Yes, we do + have correspondents here—but they are all in the divorce courts.” + + CORRESPONDENCE FOR YOUNG LADIES + + There are certain rules in regard to correct letter-writing which + must be followed by all who would “take their pen in hand.” Young + people are the most apt to offend in this respect against the + accepted canons of good taste and it is to these that I would + first address the contents of this chapter. A young girl often + lets her high spirits run away with her _amour propre_, with the + result that her letters, especially those addressed to strangers, + are often lacking in that dignity which is the _sine qua non_ of + correct correspondence. + + Consider, for example, the following two letters composed by Miss + Florence ......, a debutante of New York City, who is writing to + a taxidermist thanking him for his neat work in having recently + stuffed her deceased pet Alice. The first of these letters + illustrates the evil to which I have just referred, viz., the + complete absence of proper dignity. The second, written with the + aid of her mama, whose experience in social affairs has been + considerable, shows the correct method of corresponding with + comparative strangers. + + An Incorrect Letter from a Débutante to a Taxidermist Thanking + Him for Having Stuffed Her Pet Alice + + DEAR MR. Epps: + + Aren’t you an old _peach_ to have gone and stuffed Alice so prettily! + Really, Mr. Epps, I never saw such a knockout piece of taxidermy, + even in Europe, and I simply adore it. Mother gave a dinner party + last night and _everybody_ was just wild about it and wanted to know + who had done it. How on _earth_ did you manage to get the wings to + stay like that? And the eyes are just too priceless for words. + Honestly, every time I look at it, it’s so _darned_ natural that I + can’t believe Alice is really dead. I guess you must be pretty + dog-goned crazy about birds yourself to have done such a lovely job + on Alice, and I guess you know how perfectly sick I was over her + death. Honestly, Mr. Epps, she was such a _peach_ of an owl. But I + suppose it had to be, and anyway, thanks just heaps for having done + such a really perfectly gorgeous bit of taxidermy. + + Gratefully, + FLORENCE CHASE. + _593 Fifth Avenue, + New York City._ + + The above is, you observe, quite lacking in that reserve with + which young ladies should always treat strange gentlemen and + especially those who are not in their own social “set.” Slang may + be excusable in shop girls or baseball players, but never in the + mouth of a young lady with any pretensions to breeding. And the + use of “darned” and “dog-goned” is simply unpardonable. Notice, + now, the way in which Miss Florence writes the letter after, her + mama has given her the proper instruction. + + A Correct Letter from a Débutante to a Taxidermist Thanking Him + for Having Stuffed Her Pet Alice + + Mr. Lloyd Epps, Taxidermist, + New York City. + DEAR SIR: + + It is with sincere pleasure that I take my pen in hand to compliment + you upon the successful manner in which you have rendered your + services as taxidermist upon my late owl Alice. Death in the animal + kingdom is all too often regarded with an unbecoming levity or, at + least, a careless lack of sympathetic appreciation, and it is with + genuine feelings of gratitude that I pen these lines upon the + occasion of the receipt of the sample of the excellent manner in + which you have performed your task. Of the same opinion is my father, + a vice-president of the Guaranty Trust Co., and himself a taxidermist + of no inconsiderable merit, who joins me in expressing to you our + most grateful appreciation. + + Sincerely yours, + FLORENCE ELIOT CHASE. + _December_ 11, 1922. + +[Illustration] + +It Is Not the Custom to Comment on the Quantity of Soup Consumed by a +Guest _The young man is leaving the home of his host in “high dudgeon.” +He is of the type rather slangily known among the members of our +younger set as “finale hopper” which means, in the “King’s English,” +one who is very fond of dancing. His indignation is well founded, since +it is not the custom among members of the socially elite to comment in +the presence of the guest on either the quantity of soup consumed or +the method of consumption adopted. These things should be left for the +privacy of the boudoir or smoking den where they will afford much +innocent amusement. Nor is the host mending matters by his kindly meant +but perhaps tactless offer of a nickel for carfare._ + +[Illustration] + +False Teeth Should Remain in the Mouth throughout any Given Dinner _The +gentleman with the excellent teeth has just been guilty of a gross +social error. Wrongly supposing that the secret of popularity lies in a +helpful spirit and having discovered that the son of his hostess is +about to enter a dental school, he has removed the excellent teeth +(false) from his mouth and passed them around for inspection. The fact +that the teeth are of the latest mode does not in any way condone the +breach. Leniency in such matters is not recommended. “Facilis descensus +Averni” as one of the great poets of the Middle Ages so aptly put it._ + + COLLEGE BOYS + + It is the tendency of the age to excuse many social errors in + young people, and especially is this true of the mischievous + pranks of college boys. If Harvard football heroes and their + “rooters,” for example, wish to let their hair grow long and wear + high turtle-necked red “sweaters,” corduroy trousers and huge + “frat” pins, I, for one, can see no grave objection, for “boys + will be boys” and I am, I hope, no “old fogy” in such matters. + But I also see no reason why these same young fellows should not + be interested in the graces of the salon and the arts of the + drawing-room. Consider, for example, the following two letters, + illustrating the correct and incorrect method in which two young + college men should correspond, and tell me if there is not some + place in our college curriculum for a Professor of Deportment: + + An Incorrect Letter from a Princeton Student to a Yale Student + Congratulating the Latter on His Football Victory + + DEAR MIKE: + Here’s your damn money. I was a fool to give you odds. ED. P. S. What + happened at the Nass? I woke up Sunday with a terrific welt on my + forehead and somebody’s hat with the initials L. G. T., also a Brooks + coat. Do you know whose they are? P. P. S. Please for God’s sake + don’t cash this check until the fifteenth or I’m ruined. + + And here is the way in which I would suggest that this same + letter be indited. + + A Correct Letter from a Princeton Student to a Yale Student + Congratulating the Latter on His Football Victory + + MY DEAR “FRIENDLY ENEMY”: + Well, well, it was a jolly game, wasn’t it, and it was so good to see + you in “Old Nassau.” I am sorry that you could not have come earlier + in the fall, when the trees were still bronze and gold. I also regret + exceedingly that you did not stay over until Sunday, for it would + have been such a treat to have taken you to see the Graduate School + buildings and the Cleveland Memorial Tower. However, “better luck + next time.” + The enclosed check is, as you may well guess, in payment of our wager + on the result of the gridiron-contest. Truly, I am almost glad that I + lost, for I can not but think that gambling in any form is at best an + unprofitable diversion, and this has taught me, I hope, a lesson from + which I may well benefit. Do not think me a “prig,” dear Harry, I beg + of you, for I am sure that you will agree with me that even a + seemingly innocent wager on a football match may lead in later life + to a taste for gambling with dice and cards or even worse. Shall we + not agree to make this our last wager—or at least, next time, let us + not lend it the appearance of professional gambling by giving “odds,” + such as I gave you this year. + You must have thought it frightfully rude of me not to have seen you + to the train after that enjoyable evening at the Nassau Inn, but to + tell you the truth, Harry, the nervous excitement of the day proved + too much for me and I was forced to retire. My indisposition was + further accentuated by a slight mishap which befell me outside the + Inn but which need cause you no alarm as a scalp wound was the only + result and a few days’ rest in my cozy dormitory room will soon set + matters to rights. I trust, however, that you will explain to your + friends the cause of my sudden departure and my seeming + inhospitality. Such jolly fellows they were—and I am only too glad to + find that the “bulldogs” are as thoroughly nice as the chaps we have + down here. Incidentally, I discovered, somewhat to my dismay, as you + may well imagine, that in taking my departure I inadvertently “walked + off” with the hat and overcoat of one of your friends whose initials + are L. G. T. I am mortified beyond words and shall send the garments + to you by the next post with my deepest apologies to the unlucky + owner. + Rest assured, Harry my friend, that I am looking forward to visiting + you some time in the near future, for I have always been curious to + observe the many interesting sights of “Eli land.” Particularly + anxious am I to see the beautiful trees which have given New Haven + its name of “the City of Elms,” and the collection of primitive + paintings for which your college is justly celebrated. And in closing + may I make the slight request that you postpone the cashing of my + enclosed check until the fifteenth of this month, as, due to some + slight misunderstanding, I find that my account is in the unfortunate + condition of being “overdrawn.” + Believe me, Harry, with kindest regards to your nice friends and + yourself and with congratulations on the well deserved victory of + your “eleven,” Your devoted friend and well wisher, EDWARD ELLIS + COCHRAN. + + LETTERS TO PARENTS + + Of course, when young people write to the members of their + immediate family, it is not necessary that they employ such + reserve as in correspondence with friends. The following letter + well illustrates the change in tone which is permissible in such + intimate correspondence: + + A Correct Letter from a Young Lady in Boarding School to Her + Parents + + DEAR MOTHER: + Of course I am terribly glad that you and father are thinking of + coming to visit me here at school next week, but don’t you think it + would be better if, instead of your coming all the way up here, I + should come down and stay with you in New York? The railroad trip up + here will be very hard on you, as the trains are usually late and the + porters and conductors are notorious for their gruffness and it is + awfully hard to get parlor-car seats and you know what sitting in a + day-coach means. I should love to have you come only I wouldn’t want + you or father to get some terrible sickness on the train and last + month there were at least three wrecks on that road, with many + fatalities, and when you get here the accommodations aren’t very good + for outsiders, many of the guests having been severely poisoned only + last year by eating ripe olives and the beds, they say, are extremely + hard. Don’t you really think it would be ever so much nicer if you + and father stayed in some comfortable hotel in New York with all the + conveniences in the world and there are some wonderful things at the + theaters which you really ought to see. I could probably get + permission from Miss Spencer to come and visit you over Saturday and + Sunday if you are stopping at one of the five hotels on her + “permitted” list. + However, if you do decide to come here, perhaps it would be better to + leave father in New York because I know he wouldn’t like it at all + with nothing but women and girls around and I am sure that he + couldn’t get his glass of hot water in the morning before breakfast + and he would have a much better time in New York. But if he does come + please mother don’t let him wear that old gray hat or that brown + suit, and mother couldn’t you get him to get some gloves and a cane + in New York before he comes? And please, mother dear, make him put + those “stogies” of his in an inside pocket and would you mind, + mother, not wearing that brooch father’s employees gave you last + Christmas? + I shall be awfully glad to see you both but as I say it would be + better if you let me come to New York where you and father will be + ever so much more comfortable. Your loving daughter, JEANNETTE. + + LETTERS FROM PARENTS + + THE same familiarity may be observed by parents when + corresponding with their children, with, of course, the addition + of a certain amount of dignity commensurate with the fact that + they are, as it were, _in loco parentis_. The following example + will no doubt be of aid to parents in correctly corresponding + with their children: + + A Correct Letter from a Mother to Her Son Congratulating Him on + His Election to the Presidency of the United States + + DEAR FREDERICK: + I am very glad that you have been elected President of the United + States, Frederick, and I hope that now you will have sense enough to + see Dr. Kincaid about your teeth. It would be well to have him give + you a thorough looking over at this time. And Mrs. Peasely has given + me the name of a splendid throat specialist in New York whom I wish + you would see as soon as possible, for it has been almost a year + since you went to Dr. Ryan. Are you getting good wholesome food? Mrs. + Dennison stopped in this morning and she told me that Washington is + very damp in the spring and I think you had better get a new + overcoat—a heavy warm one. She also told me the name of a place where + you can buy real woolen socks and pajamas. I hope that you aren’t + going to be so foolish as to wear those short B. V. D.’s all winter + because now that you are president you must take care of yourself, + Edward dear. Are you keeping up those exercises in the morning? I + found those dumb-bells of yours in the attic yesterday and will send + them on to you if you wish. And, dear, please keep your throat + covered when you go out—Mrs. Kennedy says that the subways are always + cold and full of draughts. I saw a picture of you at the “movies” the + other evening and you were making a speech in the rain without a hat + or rubbers. Your uncle Frederick was just such a fool as you are + about wearing rubbers and he almost died of pneumonia the winter we + moved to Jefferson Avenue. Be sure and let me know what Dr. Kincaid + says and tell him _everything_. Your _loving_ mother. P. S. What + direction does your window face? + + LETTERS TO PROSPECTIVE FATHERS-IN-LAW + + A young man desiring to marry a young girl does not, in polite + society, “pop the question” to her by mail, unless she happens, + at the time, to be out of the city or otherwise unable to + “receive.” It is often advisable, however, after she has said + “yes,” to write a letter to her father instead of calling on him + to ask for his permission to the match, as a personal interview + is often apt to result unsatisfactorily. In writing these letters + to prospective fathers-in-law, the cardinal point is, of course, + the creation by the young man of a good impression in the mind of + the father, and for this purpose he should study to make his + letter one which will appeal irresistibly to the older + gentleman’s habits and tastes. + + Thus, in writing to a father who is above everything else a + “business man,” the following form is suggested: + + A Correct Letter to a Prospective Father-in-Law Who Is a Business + Man + + My letter, 10-6-22 Your letter, In + reply please refer to: ———— + File—Love—personal— N. Y.—1922 No. G, + 16 19 Mr. Harrison Williams, Vice-Pres. + Kinnear-Williams Mfg. Co., Buffalo, N. + Y. + DEAR SIR: + Confirming verbal message of even date re: being in love with your + daughter, this is to advise that I am in love with your daughter. Any + favorable action which you would care to take in this matter would be + greatly appreciated. Yours truly, EDWARD FISH. Copy to your Daughter + per E. F. “ “ “ Wife EF/F + + Or, should the girl’s father be prominent in the advertising + business, the following would probably create a favorable + impression, especially if printed on a blotter or other useful + article: + + A Correct Letter to a Prospective Father-in-Law Who Is in the + Advertising Business + + JUST A MOMENT! + Have you ever stopped to consider the problem of grandchildren? + Do you know, for example, that ONLY 58% of the fathers in America are + GRANDFATHERS? + Did it ever occur to you that only 39% of the grandfathers in America + EVER HAVE GRANDCHILDREN? + Honestly, now, don’t there come moments, after the day’s work is done + and you are sitting in your slippers before the fire, when you would + give any thing in the world for a soft little voice to call you + GRANDPA? + _Be fair to your daughter Give her a College educated husband!_ + COMPLIMENTS OF EDWARD FISH + + Perhaps, if the old gentleman is employed in the Credit + Department of Brooks Brothers, Frank Brothers, or any one of the + better class stores, the following might prove effective: + + A Correct Letter to a Prospective Father-in-Law Who Is Employed + in a Credit Department + + MY DEAR MR. ROBERTS: 10-6-22 + I am writing you in regard to a little matter of matrimony which no + doubt you have overlooked in the press of business elsewhere. This is + not to be considered as a “dun” but merely as a gentle reminder of + the fact that it would be extremely agreeable if you could see fit to + let me marry your daughter before the first of next month. I feel + sure that you will give this matter your immediate attention. Yours + truly, ED. FISH. + 11-2-22 DEAR MR. ROBERTS: + As you have not as yet replied to my communication of 10-6-22 + regarding marriage to your daughter, I presume that you were not at + the time disposed to take care of the matter to which I referred. I + feel sure that upon consideration you will agree that my terms are + exceedingly liberal and I must therefore request that you let me have + some word from you before the first of next month. Yours truly, + EDWARD FISH. + (Registered Mail) 12-2-22 DEAR SIR: + You have not as yet replied to my communication of 10-6-22 and + 11-2-22. I should regret exceedingly being forced to place this + matter in the hands of my attorneys, Messrs. Goldstein and + Nusselmann, 41 City Nat’l Bank Bldg. E. FISH. + + Of course, it would never do to carry this series to its + conclusion and if no reply is received to this last letter it + might be well to call on the gentleman in his place of + business—or, possibly, it might even be better to call off the + engagement. “None but the brave deserve the fair”—but there is + also a line in one of Byron’s poems which goes, I believe, “Here + sleep the brave.” + + LOVE LETTERS + + A young man corresponding with his fiancée is never, of course, + as formal as in his letters to other people. This does not mean, + however, that his correspondence should be full of silly + meaningless “nothings.” On the contrary, he should aim to + instruct and benefit his future spouse as well as convey to her + his tokens of affection. The following letter well illustrates + the manner in which a young man may write his fiancée a letter + which, while it is replete with proper expressions of amatory + good will, yet manages to embody a fund of sensible and useful + information: + + A Correct Letter from a Young Man Traveling in Europe to His + Fiancée + + MY DEAREST EDITH: + How I long to see you—to hold tight your hand—to look into your eyes. + But alas! you are in Toledo and I am in Paris, which, as you know, is + situated on the Seine River near the middle of the so-called Paris + basin at a height above sea-level varying from 85 feet to 419 feet + and extending 7 1/2 miles from W. to E. and 5 1/2 miles from N. to S. + But, dearest, I carry your image with me in my heart wherever I go in + this vast city with its population (1921) of 2,856,986 and its + average mean rainfall Of 2.6 inches, and I wish—oh, how I wish—that + you might be here with me. Yesterday, for example, I went to the Père + Lachaise cemetery which is the largest (106 acres) and most + fashionable cemetery in Paris, its 90,148 (est.) tombs forming a + veritable open-air sculpture gallery. And what do you think I found + there which made me think of you more than ever? Not the tombs of La + Fontaine (d. 1695) and Molière (d. 1673) whose remains, transferred + to this cemetery in 1804, constituted the first interments—not the + last resting place of Rosa Bonheur (d. 1899) or the victims of the + Opéra Comique fire (1887)—no, dearest, it was the tomb of Abelard and + Heloïse, those late 11th early 12th century lovers, and you may well + imagine what thoughts, centering upon a young lady whose first name + begins with E, filled my heart as I gazed at this impressive tomb, + the canopy of which is composed of sculptured fragments collected by + Lenoir from the Abbey of Nogent-sur-Seine (Aube). + Edith dearest, I am sitting in my room gazing first at your dear + picture and then out of my window at the Eiffel Tower which is the + tallest structure in the world, being 984 feet high (Woolworth + Building 750 feet, Washington Obelisk 555 feet, Great Pyramid 450 + feet). And although it may sound too romantic, yet it seems to me, + dearest, that our love is as strong and as sturdy as this masterpiece + of engineering construction which weighs 7,000 tons, being composed + of 12,000 pieces of metal fastened by 2,500,000 iron rivets. + Farewell, my dearest one—I must go now to visit the Catacombs, a huge + charnelhouse which is said to contain the remains of nearly three + million persons, consisting of a labyrinth of galleries lined with + bones and rows of skulls through which visitors are escorted on the + first and third Saturday of each month at 2 P. M. I long to hold you + in my arms. Devotedly, PAUL. + + CORRESPONDENCE OF PUBLIC OFFICIALS + + Congressmen and other public officials are as a rule more careful + correspondents than are men whose letters are never to be seen by + the public at large. There is a certain well-defined form for a + letter meant for public consumption which distinguishes it from + correspondence of a more private nature. Thus a Congressman, + writing a “public letter,” would cast it in the following form: + + A Correct “Public Letter” from a Congressman + + Mr. Ellison Lothrop, Vice-Pres. Washington Co.. “Better Citizenship” + League, + MY DEAR MR. LOTHROP: + You have requested that I give to the Washington County Better + Citizenship League, of which you are an active vice-president, some + expression of my views upon the question of Prohibition. + Sir, can there be any doubt as to the belief of every right thinking + American citizen in this matter? The Eighteenth Amendment is here and + here, thank God, to stay! The great benefit which Prohibition has + done to the poor and the working classes is reason enough for its + continued existence. It is for the manufacturers, the professional + class, the capitalists to give up gladly whatever small pleasure they + may have derived from the use of alcohol, in order that John Jones, + workingman, may have money in the bank and a happy home, instead of + his Saturday night debauch. In every democracy the few sacrifice for + the many—“the greatest good of the greatest number” is the slogan. + And I, for one, am proud to have been a member of that legislative + body which passed so truly God-bidden and democratic an act as the + Eighteenth Amendment. + I beg to remain, with best wishes to your great organization, + Sincerely yours, WALTER G. TOWNSLEY. + + A Correct Private Letter of a Congressman + + DEAR BOB: + Tell that fellow on Mulberry Street that I will pay $135 a case for + Scotch and $90 for gin _delivered_ and not a cent more. W. G. T. + +[Illustration] + +Vision and Ingenuity in Courtship _The problem of an introduction when +there is no mutual acquaintance is sometimes perplexing. But the young +man, having had the good taste to purchase a copy of_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR, +_is having no difficulty. He has fastened a rope across the sidewalk in +front of the lady’s house and, with the aid of a match and some +kerosene, has set fire to the house. Driven by the heat, the young lady +will eventually emerge and in her haste will fall over the rope. To a +gentleman of gallantry and ingenuity the rest should be comparatively +simple._ + +[Illustration] + +“Say It with Flowers” _A knowledge of the language of flowers is +essential to a successful courtship and may avoid much unnecessary +pain. With the best intentions in the world the young man is about to +present the young lady with a flower of whose meaning he is in total +ignorance. The young lady, being a faithful student of_ PERFECT +BEHAVIOR, _knows its exact meaning and it will be perfectly correct for +her to turn and, with a frigid bow, break the pot over the young man’s +head. Alas, how differently this romance might have ended if the +so-called “friends” of the young man had tactfully but firmly pointed +out to him the value of a book on etiquette such as_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR. + + LETTERS TO NEWSPAPERS, MAGAZINES, ETC. + + Another type of public correspondence is the letter which is + intended for publication in some periodical. This is usually + written by elderly gentlemen with whiskers and should be cast in + the following form: + + A Correct Letter from an Elderly Gentleman to the Editor of a + Newspaper or Magazine + + To the Editor: SIR: + On February next, _Deo volente_, I shall have been a constant reader + of your worthy publication for forty-one years. I feel, sir, that + that record gives me the right _ipso facto_ to offer my humble + criticism of a statement made in your November number by that worthy + critic of the drama, Mr. Heywood Broun. _Humanum est errare_, and I + am sure that Mr. Broun (with whom I have unfortunately not the honour + of an acquaintance) will forgive me for calling his attention to what + is indeed a serious, and I might say, unbelievable, misstatement. In + my younger days, now long past, it was not considered _infra dig_ for + a critic to reply to such letters as this, and I hope that Mr. Broun + will deem this epistle worthy of consideration, and recognize the + justice of my complaint. + I remember well a controversy that raged between critic and public + for many weeks in the days when Joe Jefferson was playing Rip Van + Winkle. Ah, sir, do you remember (but, of course, you don’t) that + entrance of Joe in the first act with his dog Schneider? That was not + my first play by many years, but I believe that it is still my + favorite. I think the first time I ever attended a dramatic + performance was in the winter of ’68 when I was a student at Harvard + College. Five of us freshmen went into the old Boston Museum to see + _Our American Cousin_. Joe Chappell was with us that night and the + two Dawes boys and, I think, Elmer Mitchell. One of the Dawes twins + was, I believe, afterwards prominent in the Hayes administration. + There were many men besides Will Dawes in that Harvard class who were + heard from in later years. Ed Twitchell for one, and “Sam” Caldwell, + who was one of the nominees for vice president in ’92. I sat next to + Sam in “Bull” Warren’s Greek class. _There_ was one of the finest + scholars this country has ever produced—a stern taskmaster, and a + thorough gentleman. It would be well for this younger generation if + they could spend a few hours in that old classroom, with “Bull” + pacing up and down the aisle and all of us trembling in our shoes. + But _Delenda est Carthago—fuit Ilium—Requiescat in pace_. I last saw + “Bull” at our fifteenth reunion and we were all just as afraid of him + as in the old days at Hollis. + But I digress. _Tempus fugit_,—which reminds me of a story “Billy” + Hallowell once told at a meeting of the American Bar Association in + Minneapolis, in 1906. Hallowell was perhaps the most brilliant + after-dinner speaker I have ever heard—with the possible exception of + W. D. Evarts. I shall never forget the speech that Evarts made during + the second Blaine campaign. + But I digress. Your critic, Mr. Heywood Broun, says on page 33 of the + November issue of your worthy magazine that _The Easiest Way_ is the + father of all modern American tragedy. Sir, does Mr. Broun forget + that there once lived a man named William Shakespeare? Is it possible + to overlook such immortal tragedies as _Hamlet_ and _Othello?_ I + think not. _Fiat justitia, ruat cœlum._ Sincerely, SHERWIN G. + COLLINS. + + A Correct Letter from an Indignant Father to an Editor of Low + Ideals + + To the Editor: Sir: + I have a son—a little fourteen-year-old boy who proudly bears my + name. This lad I have brought up with the greatest care. I have + spared no pains to make him an upright, moral, God-fearing youth. + I had succeeded, I thought, in inculcating in him all those worthy + principles for which our Puritan fathers fought and—aye—died. I do + not believe that there existed in our neighborhood a more virtuous, + more righteous boy. + From his earliest childhood until now Mrs. Pringle and I have kept + him carefully free from any suggestion of evil. We have put in his + hands only the best and purest of books; we have not allowed him to + attend any motion picture performances other than the yearly visit of + the Burton Holmes travelogues, and, last year, a film called _Snow + White and Rose Red;_ we have forbidden him to enter a theater. Roland + (for that is his name) has never in his life exhibited any interest + in what is known as sex. + Sir, you may imagine my chagrin when my Roland—my boy who, for + fourteen years, I have carefully shielded from sin—rushed in last + night to where Mrs. Pringle and I were enjoying our evening game of + Bézique, bearing in his hand a copy of your magazine which, I + presume, he had picked up at some so-called friend’s house. “Papa, + look,” said my boy to me, pointing to the cover of the magazine. + “What are these?” + Sir, I looked. Mrs. Pringle gave a shriek, and well may she have. My + boy was pointing to a cover on which was what is called—in barroom + parlance—a “nude.” And not _one_ nude but _twelve!_ + Sir, you have destroyed the parental labors of fourteen years. I + trust you are satisfied. Yours, etc., EVERETT G. PRINGLE. + + A Letter from a Member of the Lower Classes. Particular pains + should be taken in answering such letters as it should always be + our aim to lend a hand to those aspiring toward better things. + + To the Editor: Dear Sir: + I am a motorman on the Third Ave. South Ferry local, and the other + day one of the passengers left a copy of your magazine on my car and + I want to ask you something which maybe you can tell me and anyway it + don’t do no harm to ask what I want to know is will it be O. K to + wear a white vest with a dinner coat this coming winter and what + color socks I enclose stamps for reply. Yrs. ED. WALSH. + + A Correct Letter to the Lost and Found Department of a + Periodical, inquiring for a Missing Relative. This should be + referred to the persons mentioned in the letter who will probably + take prompt and vigorous action. + + Literary Editors: Dear Sirs: + I have been very much interested in the clever work of Nancy and + Ernest Boyd which has been appearing in your magazine, and I wonder + if you could take the time to give me a little piece of information + about them. You see there was a Nancy Boyd (her mother was Nancy + Kroomen of Beaver Dam) and her bro. Ernest, who was neighbors to us + for several years, and when they moved I sort of lost track of them. + You know how those things are. But it’s a small world after all, + isn’t it? and I shouldn’t be at all surprised if this was the same + party and, if it is, will you say hello to Nancy for me, and tell + Ernest that Ed. Gold still comes down from Akron to see E. W. every + Saturday. He’ll know who I mean. Ever sincerely, MAY WINTERS. + + LETTERS TO STRANGERS + + In writing to a person with whom you have only a slight + acquaintance, it is a sign of proper breeding to attempt to show + the stranger that you are interested in the things in which he is + interested. Thus, for example, if you were to write a letter to a + Frenchman who was visiting your city for the first time, you + would endeavor, as in the following example, to speak to him in + his own idiom and put him at his ease by referring to the things + with which he is undoubtedly familiar. It is only a “boor” who + seeks to impose his own hobbies and interests upon a stranger, + disregarding entirely the presumable likes and dislikes of the + latter. + + A CORRECT LETTER TO A FRENCH VISITOR + + Monsieur Jules La Chaise, Hotel Enterprise, City. + MONSIEUR: + I hope that you have had a _bon voyage_ on your trip from _la belle + France_, and my wife and I are looking forward to welcoming you to + our city. Although I cannot say, as your great king Louis XV. so + justly remarked, “_L’etat, c’est moi_,” yet I believe that I can + entertain you _comme il faut_ during your stay here. But all _bon + mots_ aside, would you care to join us this afternoon in a ride + around the city? If you say the word, _voila!_ we shall be at your + hotel in our automobile and I think that you will find here much that + is interesting to a native of Lafayette’s great country and + especially to a citizen of Paris. Did you know, for example, that + this city manufactures 38% of the toilet soap and perfumery _je ne + sais quoi_ which are used in this state? Of course, our sewers are + not to be compared to yours, _mon Dieu_, but we have recently + completed a pumping station on the outskirts of the city which I + think might almost be denominated an _objet d’art_. + I am enclosing a visitor’s card to the City Club here, which I wish + you would use during your stay. I am sure that you will find there + several _bon vivants_ who will be glad to join you in a game of + _vingt et un_, and in the large room on the second floor is a + victrola with splendid instrumental and vocal records of “La + Marseillaise.” + _Au revoir_ until I see you this afternoon. Robert C. Crocker. + + And above all, in writing to strangers or comparative strangers, + seek to avoid the mention of subjects which might be distasteful + to the recipient of the letter. Many a friendship has been + utterly ruined because one of the parties, in her correspondence + or conversation, carelessly referred to some matter—perhaps some + physical peculiarity—upon which the other was extremely + sensitive. The following letter well illustrates how the use of a + little tact may go “a long way.” + + A CORRECT LETTER TO A BEARDED LADY + + My dear Mrs. Lenox: + I wonder if you would care to go with us to the opera Wednesday + evening? The Cromwells have offered us their box for that night, + which accounts for our selection of that particular evening. “Beggars + cannot be choosers,” and while personally we would all rather go on + some other night, yet it is perhaps best that we do not refuse the + Cromwells’ generous offer. Then, too, Wednesday is really the only + evening that my husband and I are free to go, for the children take + so much of our time on other nights. I do hope, therefore, that you + can go with us Wednesday to hear “The Barber of Seville.” Sincerely, + Esther G. (Mrs. Thomas D.) Franklin. + + INVITATIONS + + The form of the invitation depends a great deal upon the + character of the function to which one wishes to invite the + guests to whom one issues the invitation. Or, to put it more + simply, invitations differ according to the nature of the party + to which one invites the guests. In other words, when issuing + invitations to invited guests one must have due regard for the + fact that these invitations vary with the various types of + entertainments for which one issues the invitations. That is to + say, one would obviously not send out the same form of invitation + to a wedding as to a dinner party, and vice versa. This is an + iron-clad rule in polite society. + + For example, a gentleman and lady named Mr. and Mrs. Weems, + respectively, living at 1063 Railroad Ave., wishing to invite a + gentleman named Mr. Cleek to dinner, would send him the following + engraved invitation: + + MR. AND MRS. LIONEL THONG WEEMS + _request the pleasure of_ + MR. WALLACE TILFORD CLEEK’S + _company at dinner + on Tuesday January the tenth + at half after seven o’clock_ + 1063 Railroad Avenue. + + This invitation would of course be worded differently for + different circumstances, such as, for example, if the name of the + people giving the party wasn’t Weems or if they didn’t live at + 1063 Railroad Ave., or if they didn’t have any intention of + giving a dinner party on that particular evening. + + Many prospective hostesses prefer to send written notes instead + of the engraved invitation, especially if the dinner is to be + fairly informal. This sort of invitation should, however, be + extremely simple. I think that most well-informed hostesses would + agree that the following is too verbose: + + DEAR MR. BURPEE. + It would give us great pleasure if you would dine with us on Monday + next at seven-thirty. By the way, did you know that Mr. Sheldon died + yesterday of pneumonia? Cordially, ESTELLE G. BESSERABO. + + For receptions in honor of noted guests, word the invitation in + this manner: + + MR. AND MRS. CORNELIUS VANDERBILT + _request the pleasure of your company + on Friday evening February sixth + from nine to twelve_ + AT DELMONICO’S + to meet Asst. Fire-Chief CHARLEY SCHMIDT and + Mrs. SCHMIDT + + Invitations to graduating exercises are worded thus: + + THE SENIOR CLASS + of the + SOUTH ROCHESTER FEMALE DENTAL INSTITUTE + requests the honor of your presence at the + Commencement Exercises + _on Tuesday evening, June the fifth + at eight o’clock_ + MASONIC OPERA HOUSE + _“That Six” Orchestra._ + + ACCEPTANCES AND REGRETS + + Responses to invitations usually take the form of “acceptances” + or “regrets.” It is never correct, for example, to write the + following sort of note: + + DEAR MRS. CRONICK: + Your invitation for the 12th inst. received and in reply would advise + that I am not at the present time in a position to signify whether or + not I can accept. Could you at your convenience furnish me with + additional particulars re the proposed affair—number of guests, + character of refreshments, size of orchestra, etc.? Awaiting an early + reply, I am, Yours truly, ALFRED CASS NAPE. + + If one wishes to attend the party, one “accepts” on a clean sheet + of note-paper with black ink from a “fountain” pen or inkwell. A + hostess should not, however, make the mistake of thinking that a + large number of “acceptances” implies that anybody really wishes + to attend her party. + + The following is a standard form of acceptance: + + Dr. Tanner accepts with pleasure the kind invitation of Mrs. + Frederick Cummings Bussey for Thursday evening, December twelfth, at + half after eight. + + This note need not be signed. The following “acceptance” is + decidedly demode: + + DEAR MRS. ASTOR: + Will I be at your ball? Say, can a duck swim? Count on me sure. + FRED. + + It is also incorrect and somewhat boorish to write “accepted” + across the face of the invitation and return it signed to the + hostess. + + If one does not care to attend the party, one often sends one’s + “regrets” although one just as often sends one’s “acceptances,” + depending largely upon the social position of one’s hostess. The + proper form of “regret” is generally as follows: + + Alice Ben Bolt regrets that she will be unable to accept the kind + invitation of Major General and Mrs. Hannafield for Wednesday evening + at half after eight. + + Sometimes it is better to explain in some manner the cause of the + “regret,” as for example: + + Alice Ben Bolt regrets that, owing to an ulcerated tooth in the left + side of her mouth, and severe neuralgic pains all up and down her + left side, she will be unable to accept the kind invitation of Major + General and Mrs. Hannafield for Wednesday evening at half after + eight, at “The Bananas.” + + This is not, however, always necessary. + +[Illustration] + +Etiquette without Tears, Mother’s Artful Aid _This is an admirable +picture with which to test the “kiddies’” knowledge of good manners at +a dinner table. It will also keep them occupied as a puzzle picture +since the “faux pas” illustrated herewith will probably not be apparent +to the little ones except after careful examination. If, however, they +have been conscientiously trained it will not be long, before the +brighter ones discover that the spoon has been incorrectly left +standing in the cup, that the coffee is being served from the right +instead of the left side, and that the lettering of the motto on the +wall too nearly resembles the German style to be quite “au fait” in the +home of any red-blooded American citizen._ + +[Illustration] + +Illustrating the Inestimable Value of Stewart’s Lightning Calculation +_Dessert has been reached and the gentleman in the picture is +perspiring freely—in itself a deplorable breach of etiquette. He has +been attempting all evening to engage the ladies on either side of him +in conversation on babies, Camp’s Reducing Exercises, politics, Camp’s +Developing Exercises, music or Charlie Chaplin, only to be rebuffed by +a haughty chin on the one hand and a cold shoulder on the other. If he +had taken the precaution to consult Stewart’s Lightning Calculator of +Dinner Table Conversation (one of the many aids to social success to be +found in_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR) _he would have realized the bad taste +characterizing his choice of topics and would not have made himself a +marked figure at this well-appointed dinner table._ + + + + +CHAPTER NINE: THE ETIQUETTE OF DINNERS AND BALLS + + + FORMAL DINNERS IN AMERICA + + Eating is an extremely old custom and has been practiced by the + better classes of society almost without interruption from + earliest times. And “society,” like the potentate of the parable + whose touch transformed every object into gold, has embellished + and adorned the all-too-common habit of eating, until there has + been evolved throughout the ages that most charming and exquisite + product of human culture—the formal dinner party. The gentleman + of today who delightedly dons his dress suit and escorts into a + ten-course dinner some lady mountain climber or other celebrity, + is probably little aware of what he owes to his forefathers for + having so painstakingly devised for him such a pleasant method of + spending his time. + + But “before one runs, one must learn to walk”—and the joys of the + dinner-party are not to be partaken of without a long preliminary + course of training, as many a young man has learned to his sorrow + when he discovered that his inelegant use of knife and fork was + causing humorous comment up and down the “board” and was drawing + upon himself the haughty glances of an outraged hostess. The + first requisite of success in dining out is the possession of a + complete set of correct table manners—and these, like anything + worth while, can be achieved only by patient study and daily + practise. + + TABLE MANNERS FOR CHILDREN + + AS a matter of fact, it is never too early to begin to acquire + the technique of correct eating, and the nursery is the best + possible place for the first lessons in dining-room behavior. + Children should be taught at an early age the fundamentals of + “table” manners in such a way that by the time they have reached + the years of manhood the correct use of knife, fork, spoon and + fingerbowl is to them almost second nature. But the parents + should remember, above everything else, to instruct their + children in such a way that the pupil takes pleasure in his + lessons. This is the method which is employed today in every + successful school or “kindergarten”; this is the method which + really produces satisfactory results. + + Thus, for example, if you are a father and your boy Edward + persists in bringing his pet tadpole to the table in a glass jar, + you should not punish or scold him; a much more effective and + graphic method of correcting this habit would be for you to + suddenly pick up the tadpole one day at luncheon and swallow it. + No whipping or scolding would so impress upon the growing boy the + importance of the fact that the dinner table is not the place for + pets. + + Another effective way of teaching table manners to children + consists in making up attractive games about the various lessons + to be learned. Thus, whenever you have guests for dinner, the + children can play “Boner” which consists in watching the visitor + closely all during the meal in order to catch him in any + irregularity in table etiquette. As soon as the guest has + committed a mistake, the first Child to discover it points his + finger at him and shouts, “Pulled a Boner, Pulled a Boner!” and + the boy or girl who discovers the greatest number of “Boners” + during the evening is rewarded with a prize, based on the + following table of points: + + If the guest has dirty hands, 5 points. + If the guest uses wrong fork or spoon, 5 points. + If the guest chokes on bone, 8 points. + If the guest blows on soup, 5 points. + If the guest drops fork or spoon, 3 points. + If the guest spills soup on table, 10 points. + If the guest spills soup on self, 1 point. + + Of course it is often well to tell the guests about the game in + advance in order that they may not feel embarrassed but will + enter thoroughly into the spirit of this helpful sport. + + A CHILD’S GARDEN OF ETIQUETTE + + Children can also acquire knowledge more easily if it is imparted + to them in the form of verse or easy rhymes, and many valuable + facts about the dinner table can be embodied in children’s + verses. A few of these which I can remember from my own happy + childhood are as follows: + + Oh, wouldn’t it be jolly + To be a nice _hors d’œuvre_ + And just bring joy to people + Whom fondest you were of. + + Soup is eaten with a spoon + But not to any haunting tune. + + Oysters live down in the sea + In zones both temp. and torrid, + And when they are good they are very good indeed, + And when they are bad they are horrid. + + My papa makes a lovely Bronx + With gin so rare and old, + And two of them will set you right + But four will knock you cold. + + The boys with Polly will not frolic + Because she’s eaten too much garlic. + Mama said the other day, + “A little goes a long, long way.” + + A wind came up out of the sea + And said, “Those dams are not for me.” + + Uncle Frank choked on a bone + From eating shad _au gratin_ + Aunt Ethel said it served him right + And went back to her flat in + NEWARK (spoken) + Poor Uncle Frank! (chanted) + + I love my little finger bowl + So full of late filet of sole. + + Cousin George at lunch one day + Remarked, “That apple looks quite tasty. + Now George a dentist’s bill must pay + Because he was so very hasty. + The proverb’s teachings we must hold + “All that glitters is not gold.” + And mama said to George, “Oh, shoot, + You’ve gone and ruined my glass fruit.” + + Jim broke bread into his soup, + Jim knocked Mrs. Vanderbilt for a loop. + Kate drank from her finger bowl, + Kate knocked Mrs. Vanderbilt for a goal. + Children who perform such tricks + Are socially in Class G-6. + + ETIQUETTE IN THE SCHOOL + + Of course, as the children become older, the instruction should + gradually come to embrace all forms of correct behaviour, and the + youthful games and rhymes should give way to the more complex and + intricate problems of mature social etiquette. It is suggested + that the teachings during this period may be successfully + combined with the young gentleman’s or lady’s other schoolroom + studies; in the case of mathematics, for example, the instruction + might be handled in somewhat the following manner: + + _A Problem in Mathematics (7th grade)_ + + _A swimmer starts across a stream which is 450 yards wide. He + swims for five minutes at the rate of three miles per hour, and + for three minutes at the rate of four miles per hour. He then + reaches the other bank, where he sees a young lady five feet ten + inches tall, walking around a tree, in a circle the circumference + of which is forty-two yards._ + + _A. What is the diameter of the circle? + B. How fast is the current flowing in the stream? + C. At what point would the swimmer land if there were no current + in the stream? + D. At what point does the swimmer actually land? + E. But suppose that he has no bathing suit on?_ + + And so, when the young person has reached the age for his first + formal dinner party, he will undoubtedly be able to handle the + fundamentals of correct etiquette in a satisfactory manner. But, + as in every sport or profession, there are certain + refinements—certain niceties which come only after long + experience—and it is with a view of helping the ambitious + diner-out to master these more complex details, that I suggest + that he study carefully the following “unwritten laws” which + govern every dinner party. + + In the first place, a guest is supposed tacitly to consent to the + menu which the hostess has arranged, and the diner-out who makes + a habit of saying “Squab, you know, never agrees with me—I wonder + if I might have a couple of poached eggs,” is apt to find that + such squeamishness does not pay in the long run. + + Practical jokes are never countenanced at a formal affair of this + sort. I do not mean that a certain amount of good-natured fun is + out of place, but such “stunts” as pulling the hostess’ chair out + from under her—or gleefully kicking the shins of your neighbor + under the table and shouting “Guess who?”—are decidedly among the + “non-ests” of correct modern dinner-table behaviour. + + Then, too, it is now distinctly bad form to practise legerdemain + or feats of sleight-of-hand at a dinner party. Time was when it + was considered correct for a young man who could do card or other + tricks to add to the gayety of the party by displaying his skill, + but that time is past, and the guest of today, who thinks to make + a “hit” by pulling a live rabbit or a potted plant from the back + of the mystified hostess or one of the butlers, is in reality + only making a “fool” of himself if he only knew it. The same + “taboo” also holds good as concerns feats of juggling and no + hostess of today will, I am sure, ever issue a second invitation + to a young man who has attempted to enliven her evening by + balancing, on his nose, a knife, a radish, a plate of soup and a + lighted candle. “Cleverness” is a valuable asset but only up to a + certain point, and I know of one unfortunately “clever” young + chap who almost completely ruined a promising social career by + the unexpected failure of one of his pet juggling tricks and the + consequent dumping of a large dish of mashed potatoes on the head + of a vice-president of the Equitable Trust Company. Besides, + people almost always distrust “clever” persons. + + It does not “do,” either, to “ride your hobby” at a dinner party, + and the real truth as to the cause of the sudden social ostracism + of young Freddie H——, a New York clubman of some years ago (now + happily deceased), is that on one occasion this young fellow, who + had developed a craze for marksmanship amounting almost to a + mania, very nearly ruined a dinner party given by a prominent + Boston society matron by attempting to shoot the whiskers off a + certain elderly gentleman, who happened to be a direct descendant + of John Smith and Priscilla Alden. + + It might also be remarked that the possession of certain physical + gifts—such as the ability to wriggle one’s ears or do the + “splits”—is in itself no “open sesame” to lasting social success. + “Slow and sure” is a good rule for the young man to follow, and + although he may somewhat enviously watch his more brilliant + colleagues as they gain momentary applause by their ability to + throw their thumbs out of joint or squirt water through a hole in + their front teeth, yet he may console himself with the thought + that “the race is not always to the swift” and that “Rome was not + built in a day.” The gifts of this world have been distributed + fairly equally, and you may be sure that the young girl who has + been born a ventriloquist very likely is totally unable to spell + difficult words correctly or carry even a simple tune. + Ventriloquism, by the way, is also passing out as a form of + dinner party diversion, and it is no longer considered a + priceless accomplishment to be able to make a dog bark or a baby + cry under the hostess’s chair. + + CONVERSATION AT DINNER + + Gradually, however, conversation—real conversation—is coming into + its own as the favorite pastime of dinner guests, and the young + man or lady who can keep the conversational “ball” rolling is + coming more and more into demand. Good conversationalists are, I + fear, born and not made—but by study and practise any ambitious + young man can probably acquire the technique, and, with time, + mould himself into the kind of person upon whom hostesses depend + for the success of their party. As an aid in this direction I + have prepared the following chart which I would advise all my + readers to cut out and paste in some convenient place so that at + their next dinner party it can be readily consulted. + + STEWART’S LIGHTNING CALCULATOR OF DINNER TABLE CONVERSATION + + This chart divides the dinner into its various courses, and under + each course is given what I call an “opening sentence,” together + with your partner’s probable reply and the topic which is then + introduced for discussion. And, most valuable of all, under each + such topic I have listed certain helpful facts which will enable + you to prolong the conversation along those lines until the + arrival of the next course, and the consequent opening of another + field for discussion. The chart follows: + + I. _Cocktails._ + + You say to the partner on your right: “What terrible gin!” She + (he) replies: “Perfectly ghastly.” This leads to a discussion of: + Some Aspects of Alcohol. Helpful Facts: + + 1. An oyster soaked in alcohol becomes quite rigid in eleven + minutes. + + 2. Senator Volstead was born Sept. 4, 1869. + + 3. Alcohol, if taken in too great quantities, often produces + internal disorders. + + II. _Oysters._ + + You say to the partner on your right: “Think of being an oyster!” + + She (he) replies: “How perfectly ghastly.” + + This leads to a discussion of: Home Life of Oysters. + + Helpful Facts: + + 1. The average life of an oyster is 38 days, 11 hours. + + 2. Polygamy is practised among certain classes of oysters. + + 3. The first oyster was eaten by Ossip Gatch, a Pole (d. 1783). + + III. _Fish._ + + You say to the partner at your right: “Do you enjoy fish?” + + She (he) replies: “I simply adore fish.” + + This leads to a discussion of: Fish—Then, and Now. + + Helpful Facts: + + 1. Fish make notoriously bad pets, whereas seals can be taught to + do many novel tricks. + + 2. Gloucester (Mass.) smells badly in summer. + + 3. Gloucester (Mass.) smells badly in winter. + + IV. _Meat._ + + You say to the partner at your right: “Have you ever been through + the Stock-Yards?” + + She (he) replies: “No.” (“Yes.”) + + This leads to a discussion of: “The Meat Industry in America.” + + Helpful Facts: + + 1. Every time a street car goes over the Brooklyn Bridge, a steer + is killed in Chicago—and oftener. + + 2. Raw beefsteak in quantities is harmful to children under two + years of age. + + 3. A man died recently in Topeka, Kansas, weighing 312 pounds. + + 4. Many prominent people live on the North Side of Chicago. + + V. _Salad._ + + You say to the partner at your right: “What is your favorite + salad?” + + She (he) replies: “I don’t know, what’s yours?” + + This leads to a discussion of: Favorite Things. + + Helpful Facts: + + 1. Richard Barthelmess is married. + + 2. B. V. D. stands for “Best Value Delivered.” + + 3. Amy Lowell is fond of cigars. + + _VI. Dessert._ + + You say to the partner at your right: “I love ice cream.” + + She (he) replies: “So do I.” + + This leads to a discussion of: Love. + + Helpful Facts: + + 1. New York is the hardest state in which to get a divorce in + America. + + 2. Dr. Sigmund Freud is now living in Vienna, Austria. + + 3. D. H. Lawrence has a black beard. + + BALLS AND DANCES + + In order to succeed in the modern ballroom, and especially in the + ballrooms of our exclusive country clubs, a young gentleman or + lady of fashion must today be possessed of the following two + requisites: i. A “Line.” 2. A closed car. The latter of these + “sine qua nons” is now owned as a matter of course by most + families and is no longer regarded as a mark of distinction. The + former requisite, however, is not so common, but it is + nevertheless true that any young person with ambition and a good + memory can eventually acquire a quite effective “Line.” It is a + great aid in this direction if one happens to have spent a year + or more at one of our leading eastern universities or “finishing + schools.” These vary, of course, in degree of excellence, but it + does not pay to be dogmatic on this subject, and to those who + would insist that the Princeton “Line” is more effective than the + Harvard ditto, or that the Westover “Line” flows more smoothly + than that of Farmington or Spence, one can only say “De gustibus + non disputandum est.” “Lines” vary also in accordance with the + different types of girls who happen to be using them, and (to + misquote a rather vulgar proverb) “What is one girl’s food may be + another girl’s poison.” Thus it happens that the “Line” which is + most universally and interminably employed by the “beautiful” + type of girl (consisting, in its entirety, of the three words + “How perfectly priceless”) would never in the world do for the + young miss whose chief asset is a kind heart or a love for really + good books. + +[Illustration] + +A Word of Warning and Encouragement _The above diagram (one of man), +filling the instructive and refined pages of_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR, _will +serve as a model to any debutante or dancing man who seriously sets out +to achieve social eminence. It is only fair to warn aspirants that +rigid adherence to the formula is essential and that any slight +slackening of the pace is likely to prove fatal. On the other hand, we +confidently guarantee complete success to those who, in reverence and +faith, keep the final goal always in sight. His (or hers) be it to keep +the sacred flame burning and to pass the torch along from father to +son, from mother to daughter till the end of time, or so long as they +do not make any mesalliances, which is just as important in America, +whatever may be said to the contrary, as among our “English cousins.”_ + + MIXED DANCING + + Another quality which is often helpful on the dance floor, + especially to girls, is the ability to dance. This seems to have + become largely a trick of keeping abreast of the latest “mode” + and while, personally, I greatly regret the passing of the + stately lancers and other dignified “round dances,” yet, if + “mixed dancing” has come to stay, it is the duty of every young + person to learn to dance as well as possible in the generally + accepted manner, even though this often involves some + compromising of one’s _amour propre_. + + But in addition to all these necessary qualifications the really + great person—the true super man or woman of the ballroom—must be + possessed of that certain divine something, that _je ne sais + quoi_ ability to rise superior to all occasions, to overcome the + most difficult situations, which has distinguished the great men + and women of all ages. Joan of Arc had it, George Washington had + it, Napoleon had it—and I venture to say that any of these three, + had they lived today, Would have been a social success. But + perhaps this fact can best be illustrated by taking a typical + instance in the ballroom in which “When duty whispered low ‘Thou + must,’ the youth replied ‘I can.’” + + HINTS FOR STAGS + + Let us suppose, for example, that you are a young man who has + been invited to a dance to be given at the East Shore Country + Club. It is your original intention, let us say, to attend as a + “stag,” but on the afternoon of the party you receive a note from + a young lady of your acquaintance asking if you would be so kind + as to accompany to the ball a guest of hers, a “sweet girl from + South Orange” who was in her class at college. + + The correct costume for a dance of this sort is usually a dinner + coat with a black or white vest, and when you have robed yourself + correctly, you should drive in your car to the young lady’s home. + There you are presented to the sweet girl from South Orange, who + is six feet tall and has protruding teeth. After the customary + words of greeting and a few brief bits of pleasantry, you set off + with your partner for the dance. + + Arrived at the East Shore Club, you find the party in “full + swing,” and after shaking hands with your host and hostess, you + should ask your partner if she would care to dance. + + The first three times that she steps on your left foot, you + should politely murmur, “My fault.” But when she begins to sing + in your ear it is proper to steer her over toward the “stag line” + in order to petition for an injunction or a temporary restraining + order. + + The “stag line” consists of a group of the wisest, shrewdest and + most hard-hearted young men ever gathered together under one + roof. The original purpose of a “stag line” was to provide a + place where unattached young men might stand while searching for + a partner, but the institution has now come to be a form of + Supreme Court, passing life or death sentence upon the various + debutantes who pass before it. + + After you have piloted your partner five times along the length + of this line you have a pretty fair idea as to her merits or + demerits, and, in this particular case, you have a pretty fair + idea as to just what the evening holds out for you. When the + music stops you should therefore lead the girl over to a chair + and ask to be allowed to bring her a glass of punch. + + Instead of going directly to the punch bowl, you should turn your + steps toward the “stag line.” There you will find several young + men whom only as late as that afternoon you counted among your + very best friends, but who do not, at the present, seem to + remember ever having met you before. Seizing the arm of one of + these you say, “Tom, I want you to meet——” That is as far as you + will get, for Tom will suddenly interrupt you by remarking, + “Excuse me a minute, Ed—, I see a girl over there I’ve simply got + to speak to. I’ll come right back.” + + He will not come right back. He will not come back at all. And + after you have met with the same response from four other + so-called friends, you should return to the South Orange visitor + and “carry on.” + + At the end of the second hour, however, your mind should begin to + clear, and if you are at all possessed of the qualifications for + future ballroom leadership, you should gradually throw off the + slough of despond and determine to make a fight for life, liberty + and the pursuit of happiness. And when the music has once more + ceased, you should ask your partner if she would not care to take + a jaunt in the open air. + + “I know a lovely walk,” you should say, “across a quaint old + bridge.” + + The rest is, of course, easy. Arrived in the middle of the quaint + old bridge, which leads across a cavern some three hundred feet + deep, you should quickly seize the tall college graduate, and + push her, not too roughly or ungentlemanly, off the bridge. + + And, if you are really a genius, and not merely “one of the + crowd” you will return to the ballroom and, going up to the young + lady who was responsible for your having met the sweet girl from + South Orange, you will offer her your arm, and smile invitingly. + + “I know a lovely walk,” you will say, “across a quaint old + bridge.” + +[Illustration] + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Perfect Behavior, by Donald Ogden Stewart + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PERFECT BEHAVIOR *** + +***** This file should be named 1446-0.txt or 1446-0.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/4/1446/ + +Produced by Charles Keller, and David Widger + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will +be renamed. + +Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright +law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, +so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United +States without permission and without paying copyright +royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of +the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at +www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have +to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. + +Title: Perfect Behavior + A Guide for Ladies and Gentlemen in all Social Crises + +Author: Donald Ogden Stewart + +Illustrator: Ralph Barton + +Release Date: September, 1998 [EBook #1446] +[Most recently updated: February 14, 2020] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PERFECT BEHAVIOR *** + + + + +Produced by Charles Keller, and David Widger + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<h1>Perfect Behavior</h1> + +<h2>by Donald Ogden Stewart</h2> + +<h3>Illustrated by Ralph Barton</h3> + +<h4>A Guide for Ladies and Gentlemen in all Social Crises</h4> + +<hr /> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image01.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="frontispiece" /> +</div> + +<p class="letter"> +Those who are not self-possessed obtrude +and pain us.—EMERSON +<br/> +<br/> +<br/> +A parody outline of etiquette by the Author of “A Parody +Outline of History”<br/> +<br/> +The perfect gentleman is he who never unintentionally causes +pain.—OLD PROVERB +<br/><br/><br/><br/> +</p> + +<p class="center"> + TO THE BRIDEGROOM WHOSE WEDDING WAS RUINED<br/> + BECAUSE THE BRIDE CAME DOWN THE AISLE<br/> + ON THE RIGHT INSTEAD OF THE LEFT<br/> + ARM OF HER FATHER<br/> + <i>With Deepest Sympathy</i> +</p> + +<h2>Contents</h2> + +<table summary="" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto"> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#chap01">CHAPTER ONE: THE ETIQUETTE OF COURTSHIP</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#chap02">CHAPTER TWO: THE ETIQUETTE OF ENGAGEMENTS AND WEDDINGS</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#chap03">CHAPTER THREE: THE ETIQUETTE OF TRAVEL</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#chap04">CHAPTER FOUR: AT THE CONCERT AND THE OPERA</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#chap05">CHAPTER FIVE: ETIQUETTE FOR DRY AGENTS</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#chap06">CHAPTER SIX: A CHAPTER FOR SCHOOLGIRLS</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#chap07">CHAPTER SEVEN: THE ETIQUETTE OF GAMES AND SPORTS</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#chap08">CHAPTER EIGHT: CORRESPONDENCE AND INVITATIONS</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#chap09">CHAPTER NINE: THE ETIQUETTE OF DINNERS AND BALLS</a></td> +</tr> + +</table> + + + <h2> + CONTENTS + </h2> + +<p class="noindent"> +<a href="#chap01">I. THE ETIQUETTE OF COURTSHIP</a> A Few Words about +Love—Curious Incident in a Yellow Taxicab—A Silly +Girl—Correct Introductions and how to Make Them—A Well Known +Congressman’s Ludicrous Mistake in a Turkish Bath—Cards and +Flowers—Flowers and their Message in Courtship—“A Clean Tooth +Never Decays”—Receiving an Invitation to Call—The Etiquette +of Telephoning-A Telephone Girl’s Horrible End—Making the First +Call—Conversation and Some of its Uses—A Proper Call—The +Proposal Proper-The Proposal Improper—What Henry Wadsworth Longfellow +Said to the ex-Clergyman’s Niece.<br/><br/> +</p> + +<p class="noindent"> +<a href="#chap02">II. THE ETIQUETTE OF ENGAGEMENTS AND WEDDINGS</a> The +Historic Aspect—Announcing the Engagement—A Breton Fisher +Girl’s Experience with a Traveling Salesman—The +Bride-to-Be—The Engagement Luncheon—Selecting the Bridal +Party—Invitations and Wedding Presents—A Good Joke on the +Groom—“Madam, those are my trousers”—Duties of the Best +Man—A Demented Taxidermist’s Strange Gift—The Bride’s +Tea—The Maid of Honor—What Aunt Edna Saw on the Club Porch-The +Bachelor Dinner and After-Some Practical Uses for Bi-Carbonate of +Soda—The Rehearsal—The Bridal Dinner—A Church Wedding.<br/><br/> +</p> + +<p class="noindent"> +<a href="#chap03">III. THE ETIQUETTE OF TRAVEL</a> Hints for the Correct +Pedestrianism—Description of a Walk around Philadelphia with a Pueblo +Indian in 1837—Travelling by Rail— Good Form on a Street +Car—In the Subway—Fun with an Old Gentleman’s +Whiskers—A Honeymoon in a Subway—Travelling under Steam-A Correct +Night in a Pullman-What Burton Holmes Found in His Lower Berth.<br/><br/> +</p> + +<p class="noindent"> +<a href="#chap04">IV. AT THE CONCERT AND THE OPERA</a> Listening to a Symphony +Orchestra—Curious Effect of Debussy’s “Apres-midi d’un +Faune” and four gin fizzes on Uncle Frederick—“No, fool like +an old fool”—Correct Behavior at a Piano Recital—Choosing +One’s Nearest Exit—In a Box at the Opera—What a Kansas City +Society Leader Did with Her Old Victrola Records.<br/><br/> +</p> + +<p class="noindent"> +<a href="#chap05">V. ETIQUETTE FOR DRY AGENTS</a> Some Broader Aspects of +Prohibition—Interesting Effect of Whisky on Goldfish—The College +Graduate as Dry Agent—Aunt Emily’s Amusing Experiences with a Quart +of Gin Planning a Dry Raid on a Masquerade Ball A Word About Correct +Costumes—A California Motion Picture Actress’s Bad Taste—Good +Form for Dry Agents During a Raid-What the New York Clubman Said About Mr. +Volstead.<br/><br/> +</p> + +<p class="noindent"> +<a href="#chap06">VI. A CHAPTER FOR SCHOOLGIRLS</a> Selecting a Proper +School—Account of an Interesting Trip Down the Eric Canal with Miss +Spence—Correct Equipment for the Schoolgirl—En Route—ln New +York—A journey Around the City—Description of the Visit of Ed. +Pinaud to the Aquarium in 1858—The First Days in the New +School—“After Lights” in a Dormitory—An “Old +Schoolgirl’s” Confessions—Becoming Acclimatized—A +Visitor from Princeton-Strange Pets.<br/><br/> +</p> + +<p class="noindent"> +<a href="#chap07">VII. THE ETIQUETTE OF GAMES AND SPORTS</a> Golf as a +Pastime—What Henry Ward Beecher Said When He Broke His Niblic—An +Afternoon at the Old Farm with the Dice—“Shoot you for your ear +trumpet, grandfather!”—Correct Behavior on a Picnic—A Swedish +Nobleman’s Curious Method of Eating Potato Chips—Boxing in American +Society—A Good Joke on an Amateur Boxer—“He didn’t know +it was Jack Dempsey!”—Bridge Whist—Formal and Informal +Drinking—A jolly Hallowe’en Party—Invitations—Receiving +the Guests—How to Mystify—Games.<br/><br/> +</p> + +<p class="noindent"> +<a href="#chap08">VIII. CORRESPONDENCE AND INVITATIONS</a> Correspondence for +Young Ladies—College Boys How to Order a Full Dress Suit by +Mail—Letters to Parents—A Prominent Retired Bank President’s +Advice to Correspondents—Letters from Parents—Peculiarities of the +Divorce Laws of New York—Letters to Prospective Fathers-in-Law—A +Correct Form of Letter to a Society Matron Asking Her How About that Grocery +Bill for Eighty-Two Dollars and Sixty-Seven Cents—Love +Letters—Correspondence of Public Officials—-Letters to +Strangers—Letters to Newspapers, Magazines, etc.—Invitations, +Acceptances and Regrets.<br/><br/> +</p> + +<p class="noindent"> +<a href="#chap09">IX. THE ETIQUETTE OF DINNERS AND BALLS</a> Formal Dinners in +America-Table Manners for Children—Removing Stains from Gray Silk—A +Child’s Garden of Etiquette—Etiquette in the +School—Conversation at Dinner—What a New Jersey Lady Did with Her +Olive Seeds—Stewart’s Lightning Calculator of Dinner Table +Conversation—“It Seems that Pat and Mike”—Balls and +Dances—-Artificial Respiration—Mixed Dancing—Hints for Stags. +A Word of Warning and Encouragement +</p> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2><a name="chap01"></a>CHAPTER ONE:<br/>THE ETIQUETTE OF COURTSHIP</h2> + + <h3> + A FEW WORDS ABOUT LOVE + </h3> + <p> + Courtship is one of the oldest of social customs, even antedating in some + countries such long-established usages as marriage, or the wearing of + white neckties with full evening dress. The beginnings of the etiquette of + courtship were apparently connected in some way with the custom of “love” + between the sexes, and many of the old amatory forms still survive in the + modern courtship. It is generally agreed among students of the history of + etiquette that when “love” first began to become popular among the better + class of younger people they took to it with such avidity that it was + necessary to devise some sort of rules for the conduct of formal or + informal love-making. These rules, together with various amendments, now + constitute the etiquette of courtship. + </p> + <p> + Suppose, for example, that you are a young gentleman named Richard Roe + desirous of entering upon a formal courtship with some refined young girl + of fashion. You are also, being a college graduate, engaged in the bond + business. One morning there comes into your financial institution a young + lady, named Dorothy Doe, who at once attracts your attention by her + genteel manners, as exemplified by the fact that she calls the president + of your company “father.” So many young people seem to think it “smart” to + refer to their parents as “dad” or “my old man”; you are certain, as soon + as you hear her say “Hello, father” to your employer, that she is + undoubtedly a worthy object of courtship. + </p> + <h3> + CORRECT INTRODUCTIONS; HOW TO MAKE THEM + </h3> + <p> + Your first step should be, of course, the securing of an introduction. + Introductions still play an important part in social intercourse, and many + errors are often perpetrated by those ignorant of <i>savoir faire</i> (correct + form). When introducing a young lady to a stranger for example, it is not + <i>au fait</i> (correct form) to simply say, “Mr. Roe, I want you to shake hands + with my friend Dorothy.” Under the rules of the <i>beau monde</i> (correct form) + this would probably be done as follows: “Dorothy (or Miss Doe), shake + hands with Mr. Roe.” Always give the name of the lady first, unless you + are introducing some one to the President of the United States, the + Archbishop of Canterbury, a member of the nobility above a baron, or a + customer. The person who is being “introduced” then extends his (or her) + right ungloved hand and says, “Shake.” You “shake,” saying at the same + time, “It’s warm (cool) for November (May),” to which the other replies, + “I’ll say it is.” + </p> + <p> + This brings up the interesting question of introducing two people to each + other, neither of whose names you can remember. This is generally done by + saying very quickly to one of the parties, “Of course you know Miss + Unkunkunk.” Say the last “unk” very quickly, so that it sounds like any + name from Ab to Zinc. You might even sneeze violently. Of course, in nine + cases out of ten, one of the two people will at once say, “I didn’t get + the name,” at which you laugh, “Ha! Ha! Ha!” in a carefree manner several + times, saying at the same time, “Well, well—so you didn’t get the + name—you didn’t get the name—well, well.” If the man still + persists in wishing to know who it is to whom he is being introduced, the + best procedure consists in simply braining him on the spot with a club or + convenient slab of paving stone. + </p> + <p> + The “introduction,” in cases where you have no mutual friend to do the + introducing, is somewhat more difficult but can generally be arranged as + follows: + </p> + <p> + Procure a few feet of stout manila rope or clothes-line, from any of the + better-class hardware stores. Ascertain (from the Social Register, + preferably) the location of the young lady’s residence, and go there on + some dark evening about nine o’clock. Fasten the rope across the sidewalk + in front of the residence about six inches or a foot from the ground. + Then, with the aid of a match and some kerosene, set fire to the young + lady’s house in several places and retire behind a convenient tree. After + some time, if she is at home, she will probably be forced to run out of + her house to avoid being burned to death. In her excitement she will fail + to notice the rope which you have stretched across the sidewalk and will + fall. This is your opportunity to obtain an introduction. Stepping up to + her and touching your hat politely, you say, in a well modulated voice, “I + beg your pardon, Miss Doe, but I cannot help noticing that you are lying + prone on the sidewalk.” If she is well bred, she will not at first speak + to you, as you are a perfect stranger. This silence, however, should be + your cue to once more tip your hat and remark, “I realize, Miss Doe, that + I have not had the honor of an introduction, but you will admit that you + are lying prone on the sidewalk. Here is my card—and here is one for + Mrs. Doe, your mother.” At that you should hand her two plain engraved + calling cards, each containing your name and address. If there are any + other ladies in her family—aunts, grandmothers, et cetera—it + is correct to leave cards for them also. Be sure that the cards are clean, + as the name on the calling card is generally sufficient for identification + purposes without the addition of the thumbprint. + </p> + <p> + When she has accepted your cards, she will give you one of hers, after + which it will be perfectly correct for you to assist her to rise from the + sidewalk. Do not, however, press your attentions further upon her at this + time, but after expressing the proper regret over her misfortune it would + be well to bow and retire. + </p> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image02.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Table Manners Betray One’s Bringing-Up" /> +<span class="caption"><i>Every one knows that table manners betray one’s +bringing-up mercilessly. The young man in the picture has good reason to wish a +meteorite would fall on him. His perpendicularity has just been restored by a +deft upward movement of Aunt Harriet’s shoulder, upon which he had +inadvertently rested his head during a quiet snooze while Cousin Edna was +making her little speech at the Bridal Dinner.</i> <small>PERFECT +BEHAVIOR</small> <i>would have Pasteurized him against even Bridal +Dinners</i>.</span> +</div> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image03.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Hat? Toupee? or Book?" /> +<span class="caption"><i>When a woman recognizes and nods to a man to whom she +has been formally introduced several times, or to whom she has been married, is +the man expected to accept the greeting and politely lift his hat or should he +lift both his hat and his toupee? Street etiquette is disposed authoritatively +and finally in</i> <small>PERFECT BEHAVIOR</small>.</span> +</div> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image04.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Park Benches and Their Uses" /> +<span class="caption"><i>You are, let us pretend, walking in the park. You come +upon two benches arranged as shown in the above diagram. Would you know which +bench it would be proper to sit on if you are (1) a young man just out of +college—(2) a rather homely young woman? To avoid embarrassment look this +up in</i> <small>PERFECT BEHAVIOR</small>.</span> +</div> + +<div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> +<img src="images/image05.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Travelling with a Player Piano" /> +<span class="caption"><i>A jolly crowd is boarding the 4:56 for a house-party +in the suburbs. The gentleman at the right, having been educated abroad, has +never learned to play the ukelele, the banjo, the jew’s harp or the +saxophone, and is, with the best intentions in the world, attempting to +contribute his share to the gaiety of the coming evenings by bringing along his +player-piano. Would you—be honest!—have recognized his action as a +serious social blunder without having referred to</i> <small>PERFECT +BEHAVIOR</small>?</span> +</div> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image06.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="A Child, a Banana, A Hard-Boiled Egg" /> +<span class="caption"><i>The young mother in the picture is traveling from one +point to another in a Pullman. In the effort to commit as great a nuisance as +possible, she has provided her child with a banana and a hard boiled egg. Not +having dipped into the chapter on travel in</i> <small>PERFECT +BEHAVIOR</small>, <i>she is ignorant of the fact that a peach would have +produced quite as much mess and far more permanent stains and a folding cup for +the water cooler would have spread the disturbance over a wider +area</i>.</span> +</div> + + <h3> + CARDS AND FLOWERS + </h3> + + <p> + The next day, however, you should send flowers, enclosing another of your + cards. It might be well to write some message on the card recalling the + events of the preceding evening—nothing intimate, but simply a + reminder of your first meeting and a suggestion that you might possibly + desire to continue the acquaintanceship. Quotations from poetry of the + better sort are always appropriate; thus, on this occasion, it might be + nice to write on the card accompanying the flowers—“‘This is the + forest primeval’—H. W. Longfellow,” or “‘Take, oh take, those lips + away’—W. Shakespeare.” You will find there are hundreds of lines + equally appropriate for this and other occasions, and in this connection + it might be well to display a little originality at times by substituting + pertinent verses of your own in place of the conventional quotations. For + example—“This is the forest primeval, I regret your last evening’s + upheaval,” shows the young lady in question that not only are you + well-read in classic poetry, but also you have no mean talent of your own. + Too much originality, however, is dangerous, especially in polite social + intercourse, and I need hardly remind you that the floors of the social + ocean are watered with the tears of those who seek to walk on their own + hook. + </p> + <p> + Within a week after you have sent the young lady the flowers, you should + receive a polite note of thanks, somewhat as follows: “My dear Mr. Roe: + Those lovely flowers came quite as a surprise. They are lovely, and I + cannot thank you enough for your thoughtfulness. Their lovely fragrance + fills my room as I write, and I wish to thank you again. It was lovely of + you.” + </p> + <h3> + FLOWERS AND THEIR MESSAGE IN COURTSHIP + </h3> + <p> + It is now time to settle down to the more serious business of courtship. + Her letter shows beyond the shadow of a figurative doubt that she is + “interested,” and the next move is “up to you.” Probably she will soon + come into the office to see her father, in which case you should have + ready at hand some appropriate gift, such as, for example, a nice potted + geranium. Great care should be taken, however, that it is a plant of the + correct species, for in the etiquette of courtship all flowers have + different meanings and many a promising affair has been ruined because a + suitor sent his lady a buttercup, meaning “That’s the last dance I’ll ever + take you to, you big cow,” instead of a plant with a more tender + significance. Some of the commoner flowers and their meaning in courtship + are as follows: + </p> + <p> + Fringed Gentian—“I am going out to get a shave. Back at 3:30.” + </p> + <p> + Poppy—“I would be proud to be the father of your children.” + </p> + <p> + Golden-rod—“I hear that you have hay-fever.” + </p> + <p> + Tuberose—“Meet me Saturday at the Fourteenth Street subway station.” + </p> + <p> + Blood-root—“Aunt Kitty murdered Uncle Fred Thursday.” + </p> + <p> + Dutchman’s Breeches—“That case of Holland gin and Old Tailor has + arrived. Come on over.” + </p> + <p> + Iris—“Could you learn to love an optician?” + </p> + <p> + Aster—“Who was that stout Jewish-looking party I saw you with in the + hotel lobby Friday?” + </p> + <p> + Deadly Nightshade—“Pull down those blinds, quick!” + </p> + <p> + Passion Flower—“Phone Main 1249—ask for Eddie.” + </p> + <p> + Raspberry—“I am announcing my engagement to Charlie O’Keefe + Tuesday.” + </p> + <p> + Wild Thyme—“I have seats for the Hippodrome Saturday afternoon.” + </p> + <p> + The above flowers can also be combined to make different meanings, as, for + example, a bouquet composed of three tuberoses and some Virginia creeper + generally signifies the following, “The reason I didn’t call for you + yesterday was that I had three inner tube punctures, besides a lot of + engine trouble in that old car I bought in Virginia last year. Gosh, I’m + sorry!” + </p> + <p> + But to return to the etiquette of our present courtship. As Miss Doe + leaves the office you follow her, holding the potted plant in your left + hand. After she has gone a few paces you step up to her, remove your hat + (or cap) with your right hand, and offer her the geranium, remarking, “I + beg your pardon, miss, but didn’t you drop this?” A great deal depends + upon the manner in which you offer the plant and the way she receives it. + If you hand it to her with the flower pointing upward it means, “Dare I + hope?” Reversed, it signifies, “Your petticoat shows about an inch, or an + inch and a half.” If she receives the plant in her right hand, it means, + “I am”; left hand, “You are”; both hands—“He, she or it is.” If, + however, she takes the pot firmly in both hands and breaks it with great + force on your head, the meaning is usually negative and your only correct + course of procedure is a hasty bow and a brief apology. + </p> + <h3> + RECEIVING AN INVITATION TO CALL + </h3> + <p> + Let us suppose, however, that she accepts the geranium in such a manner + that you are encouraged to continue the acquaintance. Your next move + should be a request for an invitation to call upon her at her home. This + should, above all things, not be done crudely. It is better merely to + suggest your wish by some indirect method such as, “Oh—so you live + on William Street. Well, well! I often walk on William Street in the + evening, but I have never called on any girl there—<i>yet</i>.” The “yet” + may be accompanied by a slight raising of your eyebrows, a wink, or a + friendly nudge with your elbow. Unless she is unusually “dense” she will + probably “take the hint” and invite you to come and see her some evening. + At once you should say, “<i>What</i> evening? How about <i>to-night</i>?” If she says + that she is already engaged for that evening, take a calendar out of your + pocket and remark, “Tomorrow? Wednesday? Thursday? Friday? I really have + no engagements between now and October. Saturday? Sunday?” This will show + her that you are really desirous of calling upon her and she will probably + say, “Well, I think I am free Thursday night, but you had better telephone + me first.” + </p> + <h3> + THE ETIQUETTE OF TELEPHONING + </h3> + <p> + On Thursday morning, therefore, you should go to a public telephone-booth + in order to call the young lady’s house. The etiquette of telephoning is + quite important and many otherwise perfectly well-bred people often make + themselves conspicuous because they do not know the correct procedure in + using this modern but almost indispensable invention. Upon entering the + telephone-booth, which is located, say, in some drug store, you remove the + receiver from the hook and deposit the requisite coin in the coin box. + After an interval of some minutes a young lady (referred to as “Central”) + will ask for your “Number, please.” Suppose, for example, that you wish to + get Bryant 4310. Remove your hat politely and speak that number into the + mouthpiece. “Central” will then say, “Rhinelander 4310.” To which you + reply, “NO, Central—<i>Bryant</i> 4310.” Central then says, “I beg your + pardon—Bryant 4310,” to which you reply, “Yes, please.” In a few + minutes a voice at the other end of the line says, “Hello,” to which you + answer, “Is Miss Doe at home?” The voice then says, “Who?” You say, “Miss + Doe, please—Miss Dorothy Doe.” You then hear the following, “Wait a + minute. Say, Charlie, is they anybody works around here by the name of + Doe? There’s a guy wants to talk to a Miss Doe. Here—you answer it.” + Another voice then says, “Hello.” You reply “Hello.” He says, “What do you + want?” You reply, “I wish to speak to Miss Dorothy Doe.” He says, “What + department does she work in?” You reply, “Is this the residence of J. + Franklin Doe, President of the First National Bank?” He says, “Wait a + minute.” You wait a minute. You wait several. Another voice—a new + voice says-“Hello.” You reply “Hello.” He says, “Give me Stuyvesant 8864.” + You say, “But I’m trying to get Miss Doe—Miss Dorothy Doe.” He says, + “Who?” You say, “Is this the residence of—” He says, “Naw—this + is Goebel Brothers, Wholesale Grocers—what number do you want?” You + say, “Bryant 4310.” He says, “Well, this is Rhinelander 4310.” You then + hang up the receiver and count twenty. The telephone bell then rings, and + inasmuch as you are the only person near the phone you take up the + receiver and say, “Hello.” A female voice, says, “Hello, dearie—don’t + you know who this is?” You say, politely but firmly, “No.” She says, + “Guess!” You guess “Mrs. Warren G. Harding.” She says, “No. This is Ethel. + Is Walter there?” You reply, “Walter?” She says, “Ask him to come to the + phone, will you? He lives up-stairs over the drug store. Just yell + ‘Walter’ at the third door down the hall. Tell him Ethyl wants to speak to + him—no, wait—tell him it’s Madge.” Being a gentleman, you + comply with the lady’s request. After bringing Walter to the phone, you + obligingly wait for some twenty minutes while he converses with Ethel—no, + Madge. When he has finished, you once more enter the booth and tell + “Central” you want Bryant 4310. After a few minutes “Central” says, “What + number did you call?” You say patiently, “Bryant 4310.” She replies, + “Bryant 4310 has been changed to Schuyler 6372.” You ask for Schuyler + 6372. Finally a woman’s voice says, “Yass.” You say, “Is Miss Doe in?” She + replies, “Yass.” You say, “May I speak to her?” She says, “Who?” You + reply, “You said Miss Doe was at home, didn’t you?” She replies, “Yass.” + You say, “Well, may I speak to her?” The voice says, “Who?” You shout, + “Miss Doe.” The voice says, “She ban out.” You shriek, “Oh, go to hell!” + and assuming a graceful, easy position in the booth, you proceed to tear + the telephone from the wall. Later on in the day, when you have two or + three hours of spare time, you can telephone Miss Doe again and arrange + for the evening’s visit. + </p> + +<div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> +<img src="images/image07.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="A Crude Bridegroom" /> +<span class="caption"><i>Not realizing his mistake, the Groom stands waiting +for the Bridal Procession, apparently in high spirits and the best of health. +Such an attitude toward a wedding is in the worst possible taste.</i> +<small>PERFECT BEHAVIOR</small> <i>tells all about the correct appearance and +conduct of Bridegrooms</i>.</span> +</div> + +<div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> +<img src="images/image08.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="A Best Man’s Blunder" /> +<span class="caption"><i>The Best Man has just been introduced to the Maid of +Honor. Instead of waiting for her to extend her hand and make the +acknowledgment, he has turned on his heel and bolted from the room. This +constitutes a social blunder, after the commission of which he could never +again, in polite society, be considered quite a gentleman</i>. <small>PERFECT +BEHAVIOR</small> <i>would have told him how the man of birth and breeding +learns to face anything with perfect “Sang froid.”</i></span> +</div> + +<div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> +<img src="images/image09.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="The Pun “De Rigueur”" /> +<span class="caption"><i>The Groom has just presented his Best Man to his +sister, who, though she is more than eager to make every one feel at home, has +failed to make at once the pun “de rigueur” on the words +“best man.” An awkward silence has ensued. What is to be done? +Should one of the gentlemen fill the breach by making the pun for her? If so, +which?</i> <small>PERFECT BEHAVIOR</small> <i>covers the whole subject of +making the “best man” pun authoritatively.</i></span> +</div> + +<div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> +<img src="images/image10.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="The Young Man Doesn’t Know How to Drink" /> +<span class="caption"><i>The young man at the right does not know how to drink. +Nevertheless, he has been selected by a friend to act as Best Man at his +wedding and has attended the Bachelor Dinner. Instead of doing what he should +do under the circumstances, he is making himself conspicuous by remaining +coherent while the others sing “Mademoiselle from Alabam’.” +Had the Bridegroom provided himself with a copy of</i> <small>PERFECT +BEHAVIOR</small> <i>he would have known better than to have selected +him.</i></span> +</div> + + <h3> + MAKING THE FIRST CALL + </h3> + <p> + The custom of social “calls” between young men and young women is one of + the prettiest of etiquette’s older conventions, and one around which + clusters a romantic group of delightful traditions. In this day and + generation, what with horseless carriages, electric telephones and + telegraphs, and dirigible gas bags, a great many of the older forms have + been allowed to die out, greatly, I believe, to our discredit. “Speed, not + manners,” seems to be the motto of this century. I hope that there still + exist a few young men who care enough about “good form” to study carefully + to perfect themselves in the art of “calling.” Come, Tom, Dick and Harry—drop + your bicycles for an afternoon and fill your minds with something besides + steam engines and pneumatic tires! + </p> + <p> + The first call at the home of any young lady of fashion is an extremely + important social function, and too great care can not be taken that you + prepare yourself thoroughly in advance. It would be well to leave your + work an hour or two earlier in the afternoon, so that you can go home and + practice such necessary things as entering or leaving a room correctly. + Most young men are extremely careless in this particular, and unless you + rehearse yourself thoroughly in the proper procedure you are apt to find + later on to your dismay that you have made your exit through a window onto + the fire-escape instead of through the proper door. + </p> + <h3> + CONVERSATION AND SOME OF ITS USES + </h3> + <p> + Your conversation should also be planned more or less in advance. Select + some topic in which you think your lady friend will be interested, such + as, for example, the removal of tonsils and adenoids, and “read up” on the + subject so that you can discuss it in an intelligent manner. Find out, for + example, how many people had tonsils removed in February, March, April. + Contrast this with the same figures for 1880, 1890, 1900. Learn two or + three amusing anecdotes about adenoids. Consult Bartlett’s “Familiar + Quotations” for appropriate verses dealing with tonsils and throat + troubles. Finally, and above all, take time to glance through four or five + volumes of Dr. Eliot’s Five Foot Shelf, for nothing so completely marks + the cultivated man as the ability to refer familiarly to the various + volumes of the Harvard classics. + </p> + <h3> + A PROPER CALL + </h3> + <p> + Promptly at the time appointed you should arrive at the house where the + young lady is staying. In answer to your ring a German police dog will + begin to bark furiously inside the house, and a maid will finally come to + the door. Removing your hat and one glove, you say, “Is Miss Doe home?” + The maid replies, “Yass, ay tank so.” You give her your card and the dog + rushes out and bites you on either the right or left leg. You are then + ushered into a room in which is seated an old man with a long white beard. + He is fast asleep. “Dot’s grampaw,” says the maid, to which you reply, + “Oh.” She retires, leaving you alone with grampaw. After a while he opens + his eyes and stares at you for a few minutes. He then says, “Did the dog + bite you?” You answer, “Yes, sir.” Grampaw then says, “He bites + everybody,” and goes back to sleep. Reassured, you light a cigaret. A + little boy and girl then come to the door, and, after examining you + carefully for several minutes, they burst into giggling laughter and run + away. You feel to see if you have forgotten to put on a necktie. A severe + looking old lady then enters the room. You rise and bow. “I am Miss Doe’s + grandmother. Some one has been smoking in here,” she says, and sits down + opposite you. Her remark is not, however, a hint for a cigaret and you + should not make the mistake of saying, “I’ve only got Fatimas, but if you + care to try one—” It should be your aim to seek to impress yourself + favorably upon every member of the young lady’s family. Try to engage the + grandmother in conversation, taking care to select subjects in which you + feel she would be interested. Conversation is largely the art of “playing + up” to the other person’s favorite subject. In this particular case, for + example, it would be a mistake to say to Miss Doe’s grandmother, “Have you + ever tried making synthetic gin?” or “Do you think any one will <i>ever</i> lick + Dempsey?” A more experienced person, and some one who had studied the + hobbies of old people, would probably begin by remarking, “Well, I see + that Jeremiah Smith died of cancer Thursday,” or “That was a lovely burial + they gave Mrs. Watts, wasn’t it?” If you are tactful, you should soon win + the old lady’s favor completely, so that before long she will tell you all + about her rheumatism and what grampaw can and can’t eat. + </p> + <p> + Finally Miss Doe arrives. Her first words are, “Have you been waiting + long? Hilda didn’t tell me you were here,” to which you reply, “No—I + just arrived.” She then says, “Shall we go in the drawing-room?” The + answer to this is, “For God’s sake, yes!” In a few minutes you find + yourself alone in the drawing-room with the lady of your choice and the + courtship proper can then begin. + </p> + <p> + The best way to proceed is gradually to bring the conversation around to + the subject of the “modern girl.” After your preliminary remarks about + tonsils and adenoids have been thoroughly exhausted, you should suddenly + say, “Well I don’t think girls—nice girls—are really that + way.” She replies, of course, “<i>What</i> way?” You answer, “Oh, the way they + are in these modern novels. This ‘petting,’ for instance.” She says, “<i>What</i> + petting’?” You walk over and sit down on the sofa beside her. “Oh,” you + say, “these novelists make me sick—they seem to think that in our + generation every time a young man and woman are left alone on a lounge + together, they haven’t a thing better to do than put out the light and + ‘pet.’ It’s disgusting, isn’t it?” “Isn’t it?” she agrees and reaching + over she accidentally pulls the lamp cord, which puts out the light. + </p> + <p> + On your first visit you should not stay after 12:30. + </p> + <h3> + THE PROPOSAL PROPER + </h3> + <p> + About the second or third month of a formal courtship it is customary for + the man to propose matrimony, and if the girl has been “out” for three or + four years and has several younger sisters coming along, it is customary + for her to accept him. They then become “engaged,” and the courtship is + concluded. + </p> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2><a name="chap02"></a>CHAPTER TWO:<br/>THE ETIQUETTE OF ENGAGEMENTS AND WEDDINGS</h2> + + <h3> + THE HISTORIC ASPECT + </h3> + <p> + “Matrimony,” sings Homer, the poet, “is a holy estate and not lightly to + be entered into.” The “old Roman” is right. + </p> + <p> + A modern wedding is one of the most intricate and exhausting of social + customs. Young men and women of our better classes are now forced to + devote a large part of their lives to acting as brides, grooms, ushers and + bridesmaids at various elaborate nuptials. Weeks are generally required in + preparation for an up-to-date wedding; months are necessary in recovering + from such an affair. Indeed, some of the participants, notably the bride + and groom, never quite get over the effects of a marriage. + </p> + <p> + It was not “always thus.” Time was when the wedding was a comparatively + simple affair. In the Paleolithic Age, for example, (as Mr. H. G. Wells of + England points out in his able “Outline of History”), there is no evidence + of any particular ceremony conjunctive with the marriage of “a male and a + female.” Even with the advent of Neolithic man, a wedding seems to have + been consummated by the rather simple process of having the bridegroom + crack the bride over the head with a plain, unornamented stone ax. There + were no ushers—no bridesmaids. But shortly after that (c- 10,329—30 + B.C. to be exact) two young Neoliths named Haig, living in what is now + supposed to be Scotland, discovered that the prolonged distillation of + common barley resulted in the creation of an amber-colored liquid which, + when taken internally, produced a curious and not unpleasant effect. + </p> + <p> + This discovery had—and still has—a remarkable effect upon the + celebration of the marriage rite. Gradually there grew up around the + wedding a number of customs. With the Haig brothers’ discovery of Scotch + whiskey began, as a matter of course, the institution of the “bachelor + dinner.” “Necessity is the mother of invention,” and exactly twelve years + after the first “bachelor dinner” came the discovery of bicarbonate of + soda. From that time down to the present day the history of the etiquette + of weddings has been that of an increasing number of intricate forms and + ceremonies, each age having added its particular bit of ritual. The modern + wedding may be said to be, therefore, almost an “Outline of History” + itself. + </p> + <h3> + ANNOUNCING THE ENGAGEMENT + </h3> + <p> + Let us begin, first of all, with the duties of one of the minor characters + at a wedding—the Groom. Suppose that you are an eligible young man + named Richard Roe, who has just become “engaged” to a young lady named + Dorothy Doe. If you really intend to “marry the girl,” it is customary + that some formal announcement of the engagement be made, for which you + must have the permission of Miss Dorothy and her father. It is not + generally difficult to become engaged to most girls, but it will surprise + you to discover how hard it is to get the young lady whom you believe to + be your fiancée to consent to a public announcement of the fact. The + reason for this probably is that an engagement which has been “announced” + often leads to matrimony, and matrimony, in polite society, often lasts + for several years. After you have secured the girl’s permission, it is + next necessary that you notify her father of the engagement. In this + particular case, as he happens to be your employer, the notification can + take place in his office. First of all, however, it would be advisable to + prepare some sort of speech in advance. Aim to put him as far as possible + at his ease, lead up to the subject gradually and tactfully. Abruptness is + never “good form.” The following is suggested as a possible model. “Good + morning, Mr. Doe, say, I heard a good story from a traveling salesman last + night. It seems that there was a young married couple—(here insert a + good story about a young married couple). Wasn’t that <i>rich</i>? Yes, sir, + marriage is a great thing—a great institution. Every young man ought + to get married, don’t you think? You do? Well, Mr. Doe, I’ve got a + surprise for you, (here move toward the door). I’m going to (here open the + door) marry (step out of the room) your daughter” (close the door + quickly). + </p> + <h3> + THE BRIDE-TO-BE + </h3> + <p> + Before the public announcement of the engagement it is customary for the + bride-to-be to write personal letters to all other young men to whom she + happens to be engaged at the time. These notes should be kindly, + sympathetic and tactful. The same note can be written to all, provided + there is no chance of their comparing notes. The following is suggested: + </p> + <p> + “Dear Bob— + </p> + <p> + Bob, I want you to be the very first to know that I am engaged to Richard + Roe. I want you to like him, Bob, because he is a fine fellow and I would + rather have you like him than any one I know. I feel that he and I shall + be very happy together, and I want you to be the first to know about it. + Your friendship will always remain one of the brightest things in my life, + Bob, but, of course, I probably won’t be able to go to the Aiken dance + with you now. Please don’t tell anybody about it yet. I shall never forget + the happy times you and I had together, Bob, and will you please return + those silly letters of mine. I am sending you yours.” + </p> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image11.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Ignorance of Sporting Terms Betrays the “Cockney”" /> +<span class="caption"><i>Nothing so completely betrays the +“Cockney” as a faulty knowledge of sporting terms. The young lady +at the left has just returned from the hunting field hand-in-hand with the +dashing “lead,” who happens to be an eligible billionaire. Her +hostess, the mother of the sub-deb at the right, has greeted her by hissing, +“S—o—o! I see you’ve had a good day’s +hunting!” The use of this unsportsmanlike expression—in stead of +the correct “Hope you had a good run,” or “Where did you +find?”—at once discloses the hostess’s mean origin and the +young lady will almost certainly never accept another invitation to her +house.</i></span> +</div> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image12.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Proper Attitude Towards the Hostess’ Furniture" /> +<span class="caption"><i>In this work-a-day world, one is likely to forget that +there is an etiquette of pleasure, just as there is an etiquette of dancing or +the opera. One often hears a charming hostess refuse to invite this or that +person to her home for a game of billiards on the ground that he or she is a +“bum sport” or a “rotten loser.” The above scene +illustrates one of the little, but conspicuous, blunders that people make. The +gentleman, having missed his fifth consecutive shot, has broken his cue over +his knee and is ripping the baize off the table with the sharp end. This +display is not in the best taste.</i></span> +</div> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image13.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Correct Bathing Costumes for Ladies" /> +<span class="caption"><i>Good form at the beach is still a question of debate. +Some authorities on the subject insist that the Rubenesque type is preferable, +while others claim that the Byzantine is more fashionable. One thing is +certain—it is absolutely incorrect for ladies who weigh less than 75 or +more than 275 pounds (avoirdupois) to appear in costumes that would offend +against modesty. It is also considered rude to hold one’s swimming +partner under water for more then the formal quarter of an hour.</i></span> +</div> + + <h3> + THE ENGAGEMENT LUNCHEON + </h3> + <p> + The engagement is generally announced at a luncheon given by the parents + of the prospective bride. This is usually a small affair, only fifteen or + twenty of the most intimate friends of the engaged “couple” being invited. + It is one of the customs of engagement luncheons that all the guests shall + be tremendously surprised at the news, and great care should be taken to + aid them in carrying out this tradition. On the invitations, for example, + should be written some misleading phrase, such as “To meet General + Pershing” or “Not to Announce the Engagement of our Daughter.” + </p> + <p> + The announcement itself which should be made soon after the guests are + seated, offers a splendid opportunity for the display of originality and + should aim to afford the guest a surprise and perhaps a laugh, for + laughter of a certain quiet kind is often welcome at social functions. One + of the most favored methods of announcing an engagement is by the use of + symbolic figures embodying the names of the affianced pair. Thus, for + example, in the case of the present engagement of Richard Roe to Dorothy + Doe it would be “unique” to have the first course at luncheon consist of a + diminutive candy or paper-mache doe seated amorously upon a heart shaped + order of a shad roe. The guests will at first be mystified, but soon cries + of “Oh, how sweet!” will arise and congratulations are then in order. + Great care should be taken, however, that the symbolic figures are not + misunderstood; it would be extremely embarrassing, for example, if in the + above instance, a young man named “Shad” or “Aquarium” were to receive the + congratulations instead of the proper person. Other suggestions for + symbolistic announcements of some of the more common names are as follows: + </p> + <p> + “<i>Cohan-O’Brien</i>”—ice cream cones on a plate of O’Brien potatoes. + </p> + <p> + “<i>Ames-Green</i>—green ice cream in the shape of a man aiming at + something. + </p> + <p> + “<i>Thorne-Hoyt</i>—figure of a man from Brooklyn pulling a thorn from foot + with expression on his face signifying “This hoits.” + </p> + <p> + “<i>Bullitt-Bartlett</i>—bartlett pears full of small 22 or 33 calibre + bullets. + </p> + <p> + “<i>Tweed-Ellis</i>”—frosted cake in the shape of Ellis Island with a + solitary figure of a man in a nice fitting tweed suit. + </p> + <p> + “<i>Gordon-Fuller</i>”—two paper-mache figures—one representing a + young man full of Gordon gin, the other representing a young man fuller. + </p> + <p> + “<i>Hatch-Gillette</i>”—figure of a chicken surprised at having hatched a + safety razor. + </p> + <p> + “<i>Graves-Colgate</i>”—figure of a man brushing his teeth in a cemetery. + </p> + <p> + “<i>Heinz-Fish</i>”—57 assorted small fish tastily arranged on one plate. + </p> + <h3> + SELECTING THE BRIDAL PARTY + </h3> + <p> + AS soon as the engagement has been announced it is the duty of the + prospective bride to select a maid-of-honor and eight or ten bridesmaids, + while the groom must choose his best man and ushers. In making these + selections it should be carefully borne in mind that no wedding party is + complete without the following: + </p> + <p class="letter"> +1 bridesmaid who danced twice with the Prince of Wales.<br/> +2 Bridesmaids who never danced more than once with anybody.<br/> +1 bridesmaid who doesn’t “Pet.”<br/> +1 bridesmaid who was expelled from Miss Spence’s.<br/> +1 bridesmaid who talks “Southern.”<br/> +1 bridesmaid who met Douglas Fairbanks once.<br/> +1 bridesmaid who rowed on the crew at Wellesley.<br/> +1 usher who doesn’t drink anything.<br/> +9 ushers who drink anything. + </p> + <p> + In some localities, following the announcement, it is customary for the + bride’s friends, to give for her a number of “showers.” These are for the + purpose of providing her with various necessities for her wedded household + life. These affairs should be informal and only her dearest or wealthiest + friends should be invited. A clever bride will generally arrange secretly + for several of these “showers” by promising a certain percentage (usually + 15% of the gross up to $500.00 and 25% bonus on all over that amount) to + the friend who gives the party. Some of the more customary “showers” of + common household articles for the new bride are toothpaste, milk of + magnesia, screen doors, copies of Service’s poems, Cape Cod lighters, + pictures of “Age of Innocence” and back numbers of the “Atlantic Monthly.” + </p> + <h3> + INVITATIONS AND WEDDING PRESENTS + </h3> + <p> + The proper time to send out invitations to a wedding is between two and + three weeks before the day set for the ceremony, although the out-of-town + invitations should be mailed in plenty of time to allow the recipient to + purchase and forward a suitable present. As the gifts are received, a + check mark should be placed after the name of the donor, together with a + short description of the present and an estimate as to its probable cost. + This list is to be used later, at the wedding reception, in determining + the manner in which the bride is to greet the various guests. It has been + found helpful by many brides to devise some sort of memory system whereby + certain names immediately suggest certain responses, thus: + </p> + <p> + “Mr. Snodgrass—copy of ‘Highways and Byways in Old France’”—c. + $6.50—“how do you do, Mr. Snodgrass, have you met my mother?” + </p> + <p> + “Mr. Brackett—Solid silver candlesticks—$68.50”—“hello, + Bob, you old peach. How about a kiss?” + </p> + <p> + The real festivities of a wedding start about three days before the + ceremony, with the arrival of the “wedding party,” in which party the most + responsible position is that of best man. Let us suppose that you are to + be the best man at the Roe-Doe nuptials. What are your duties? + </p> + <p> + In the first place, you must prepare yourself for the wedding by a course + of training extending for over a month or more prior to the actual event. + It should be your aim to work yourself into such a condition that you can + go for three nights without sleep, talk for hours to the most impossibly + stupid of young women, and consume an unending amount of alcohol. You are + then prepared for the bachelor dinner, the bridal dinner, the bridesmaids, + the wedding, and the wedding reception. + </p> + <h3> + DUTIES OF THE BEST MAN + </h3> + <p> + Upon your arrival in the city where the wedding is to take place you will + be met by the bridegroom, who will take you to the home of the bride where + you are to stay. There you are met by the bride’s father. “This is my best + man,” says the groom. “The best man?” replies her father. “Well, may the + best man win.” At once you reply, “Ha! Ha! Ha!” He then says, “Is this + your first visit to Chicago?” to which the correct answer is, “Yes, sir, + but I hope it isn’t my last.” + </p> + <p> + The bride’s mother then appears. “This is my best man,” says the groom. + “Well,” says she, “remember—the best man doesn’t always win.” “Ha! + Ha! Ha!” you at once reply. “Is this your first visit to Chicago?” says + she, to which you answer, “Yes—but I hope it isn’t my last.” + </p> + <p> + You are then conducted to your room, where you are left alone to unpack. + In a few minutes the door will open and a small boy enter. This is the + brother of the bride. You smile at him pleasantly and remark, “Is this + your first visit to Chicago?” “What are you doing?” is his answer. + “Unpacking,” you reply. “What’s that?” says he. “A cutaway,” you reply. + “What’s that?” says he. “A collar bag.” “What’s that?” “A dress shirt.” + “What’s that?” says he. “Another dress shirt.” “What’s that?” says he. + “Say, listen,” you reply, “don’t I hear some one calling you?” “No,” says + he, “what’s that?” “That,” you reply, with a sigh of relief, “is a razor. + Here—take it and play with it.” In three minutes, if you have any + luck at all, the bride’s brother will have cut himself severely in several + places which will cause him to run crying from the room. You can then + finish unpacking. + </p> + <h3> + THE BRIDE’S TEA + </h3> + <p> + The first function of the pre-nuptial festivities is generally a tea at + the bride’s home, where the ushers and bridesmaids meet to become + “acquainted.” It is your duty, as best man, to go to the hotel where the + ushers are stopping and bring them to this tea. Just as you will leave on + this mission the groom will whisper in your ear, “For God’s sake, remember + to tell them that her father and mother are terribly opposed to drinking + in any form.” This is an awfully good joke on her father and mother. + </p> + <p> + As you step out of the hotel elevator you hear at the end of the hall a + chorus shouting, “Mademoiselle from Armentières—<i>parlez vous!</i>” Those + are your ushers. + </p> + <p> + Opening the door of the room you step forward and announce, “Fellows, we + have got to go to a tea right away. Come on—let’s go.” At this, ten + young men in cutaways will stand up and shout, “Yeaaa—the best man—give + the best man a drink!” From then on, at twelve minute intervals, it is + your duty to say, “Fellows, we have got to go to a tea right away. Come on—let’s + go.” Each time you will be handed another drink, which you may take with + either your right or left hand. + </p> + <p> + After an hour the telephone will ring. It will be the groom. He will say, + “Everybody is waiting for you and the ushers,” to which you reply, “We are + just leaving.” He then says, “And don’t forget to tell them what I told + you about her father and mother.” + </p> + <p> + You then hang up the receiver, take a drink in one hand and say, “Fellows, + I have a very solemn message for you. It’s a message which is of deep + importance to each one of us. Fellows—her father and mother object + to the use of alcohol in any form.” + </p> + <p> + This statement will be greeted with applause and cheers. You will all then + take one more drink, put on your silk hats and gray gloves, and leave the + room singing, “Her father and mother object to drink—<i>parlez vous</i>.” + </p> + <p> + The tea given by the bride’s parents is generally a small affair to which + only the members of the wedding party are invited. When you and the ushers + arrive, you will find the bride, the maid of honor and the bridesmaids + waiting for you. As you enter the room, make a polite bow to the bride’s + father and mother, and be sure to apologize for your lateness. Nothing so + betrays the social “oil can” as a failure to make a plausible excuse for + tardiness. Whenever you are late for a party you must always have ready + some good reason for your fault, such as, “Excuse me, Mrs. Doe, I’m afraid + I am a little late, but you see, just as I was dressing, this filling + dropped out of my tooth and I had to have it put back in.” If the host and + hostess seem to doubt your statement, it would be well to show them the + recalcitrant filling in question, although if they are “well-bred” they + will probably in most cases take you at your word. + </p> + <h3> + THE MAID OF HONOR + </h3> + <p> + You and the ushers will then be introduced to the bridesmaids and the maid + of honor. As you meet this latter young lady, who is the bride’s older + sister and, of course, your partner for the remainder of the wedding + festivities, she will say, “The best man? Well, they say that the best man + wins... Ha! Ha! Ha!” This puts her in class G 6 without further + examination, and your only hope of prolonging your life throughout the + next two days lies in the frequent and periodic administration of + stimulants. + </p> + <h3> + THE BACHELOR DINNER AND AFTER + </h3> + <p> + That evening the groom gives for the best man and the ushers what is known + as a “bachelor dinner.” It is his farewell to his men friends as he passes + out of the state of bachelorhood. The formal passing out generally occurs + toward the end of the dinner, and is a quaint ceremony participated in by + most of those present. + </p> + <p> + It is customary for the best man to wake up about noon of the following + day. You will not have the slightest idea as to where you are or how you + got there. You will be wearing your dress trousers, your stiff or pleated + bosom dress shirt, black socks and pumps, and the coat of your pajamas. In + one hand you will be clutching a chrysanthemum. After a few minutes there + will come a low moan from the next bed. That is usually the groom, also in + evening dress with the exception that he has tried to put on the trousers + of your pajamas over his dress trousers. You then say, “What happened?” to + which he replies, “Oh, Judas.” You wait several minutes. In the next room + you hear the sound of a shower bath and some one whistling. The bath + stops; the whistling continues. The door then opens and there enters one + of the ushers. He is the usher who always “feels great” the next day after + the bachelor dinner. He says to you, “Well, boys, you look all in.” You do + not reply. He continues, “Gosh, I feel fine.” You make no response. He + then begins to chuckle, “I don’t suppose you remember,” he says, “what you + said to the bride’s mother when I brought you home last night.” You sit + quickly up in bed. “What did I say?” you ask. “Was I tight?” “Were you + tight?” he replies, still chuckling. “Don’t you remember what you said? + And don’t you remember trying to get the bride’s father to slide down the + banisters with you? Were you tight—Oh, my gosh!” He then exits, + chuckling. Statistics of several important life insurance companies show + that that type of man generally dies a violent death before the age of + thirty. + </p> + <h3> + THE REHEARSAL + </h3> + <p> + The rehearsal for the wedding is usually held in the church on the + afternoon preceding the day of the nuptials. The ushers, of course, are an + hour late, which gives the bridegroom (Bap.) an opportunity to meet the + minister (Epis.) and have a nice, long chat about religion, while the best + man (Atheist) talks to the eighty-three year old sexton who buried the + bride’s grandpa and grandma and has knowed little Miss Dorothy come twenty + years next Michaelmas. The best man’s offer of twenty-five dollars, if the + sexton will at once bury the maid of honor, is generally refused as a + matter of courtesy. + </p> + <h3> + THE BRIDAL DINNER + </h3> + <p> + In the evening, the parents of the bride give the bridal dinner, to which + all the relatives and close friends of the family are invited. Toasts are + drunk in orange juice and rare old Virginia Dare wine, and much + good-natured fun is indulged in by all. Speeches are usually made by the + bride and groom, their parents, the best man, the maid of honor, the + minister and Aunt Harriet. + </p> + <p> + Just a word about the speeches at a bridal dinner. Terrible! + </p> + <h3> + A CHURCH WEDDING + </h3> + <p> + On the day of the wedding the ushers should arrange to be at the church an + hour or so in advance of the time set for the ceremony. They should be + dressed in cutaways, with ties, gloves and gardenias provided by the + groom. + </p> + <p> + It is the duty of the best man to dress the bridegroom for the wedding. As + you enter his room you see, lying half-dressed on the bed, a pale, wan, + emaciated creature, who is staring fixedly at the ceiling. It is the happy + bridegroom. His lips open. He speaks feebly. “What time is it?” he says. + You reply, “Two-thirty, old man. Time to start getting dressed.” “Oh, my + God!” says the groom. Ten minutes pass. “What time is it?” says the groom. + “Twenty of three,” you reply. “Here’s your shirt.” “Oh, my God!” says the + groom. + </p> + <p> + He takes the shirt and tries to put it on. You help him. “Better have a + little Scotch, old man,” you say. “What time is it?” he replies. “Five of + three,” you say. “Oh, my God!” says the groom. + </p> + <p> + At three-thirty you and he are dressed in cutaways and promptly at + three-forty-two you arrive at the church. You are ushered into a little + side room where it is your duty to sit with the corpse for the few brief + hours which elapse between three-forty-five and four o’clock. Occasionally + he stirs and a faint spark of life seems to struggle in his sunken eyes. + His lips move feebly. You bend over to catch his dying words. “Have—you—got—the + ring?” he whispers. “Yes,” you reply. “Everything’s fine. You look great, + too, old man.” The sound of the organ reaches your ears. The groom groans. + “Have you got the ring?” he says. + </p> + <p> + Meanwhile the ushers have been performing their duty of showing the + invited guests to the various pews. A correctly trained usher will always + have ready some cheery word or sprightly bit of conversation to make the + guests feel perfectly at home as he conducts them to their seats. “It’s a + nice day, isn’t it?” is suggested as a perfectly safe and yet not too + unusual topic of conversation. This can be varied by remarking, “Isn’t it + a nice day?” or in some cases, where you do not wish to appear too + forward, “Is it a nice day, or isn’t it?” An usher should also remember + that although he has on a cutaway, he is neither a floor-walker nor a bond + salesman, and remarks such as “Something in a dotted Swiss?” or “Third + aisle over—second pew—next the ribbon goods,” are decidedly + <i>non au fait</i>. + </p> + <p> + The first two pews on each side of the center aisle are always reserved + for members of the immediate family, but it is a firmly established custom + that the ushers shall seat in these “family pews” at least three people + with whom the family are barely on speaking terms. This slight error + always causes Aunt Nellie and Uncle Fred to sit up in the gallery with the + family cook. + </p> + <p> + With the arrival of the bride, the signal is given to the organist to + start the wedding march, usually either Mendelssohn’s or Wagner’s. About + this time the mother of the bride generally discovers that the third + candle from the left on the rear altar has not been lighted, which causes + a delay of some fifteen minutes during which time the organist improvises + one hundred and seventy-three variations on the opening strains of the + march. + </p> + <p> + Finally all is adjusted and the procession starts down the aisle led by + the ushers swaying slowly side by side. It is always customary for three + or four of the eight ushers to have absolutely no conception of time or + rhythm, which adds a quaint touch of uncertainty and often a little humor + to the performance. + </p> + <p> + After the Scotch mist left by the passing ushers has cleared, there come + the bridesmaids, the maid of honor, and then, leaning on her father’s arm + (unless, of course, her father is dead), the bride. + </p> + <p> + In the meantime, the bridegroom has been carried in by the best man and + awaits the procession at the foot of the aisle, which is usually four + hundred and forty yards long. The ushers and bridesmaids step awkwardly to + one side; the groom advances and a hush falls over the congregation which + is the signal for the bride’s little niece to ask loudly, “What’s that + funny looking man going to do, Aunt Dotty?” + </p> + <p> + Then follows the religious ceremony. + </p> + <p> + Immediately after the church service, a reception is held at the bride’s + home, where refreshments are served and two hundred and forty-two invited + guests make the same joke about kissing the bride. At the reception it is + customary for the ushers and the best man to crawl off in separate corners + and die. + </p> + <p> + The wedding “festivities” are generally concluded with the disappearance + of the bride, the bridegroom, one of the uninvited guests and four of the + most valuable presents. + </p> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image14.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="The Man of Refinement Controls His Emotions" /> +<span class="caption"><i>The man of culture and refinement, while always +considerate to those beneath him in station, never, under any circumstances, +loses control of his emotions for an instant. Though the gentleman-rider in the +picture may be touchingly fond of his steeplechase horse, it is unpardonably +bad form for him to make an exhibition of his affection while going over the +brush in plain view of numbers of total strangers. In doing so he simply is +making a “guy” of himself, and it is no more than he deserves if +those in the gallery raise their eyebrows at each other and smile +knowingly.</i></span> +</div> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image15.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Comparative Advantages of the Pen—the Phone" /> +<span class="caption"><i>The Romans had a proverb, “Litera scripta +manet,” which means “The written letter remains.” The subtle +wisdom of these words was no doubt well known to the men of the later +Paleolithic Age before them, but evidently the gentleman in the engraving never +heard of it. If he had kept this simple little rule of social correspondence in +mind he would have avoided the painful experience of hearing his obsolete +emotions exposed to the eager ears of twelve perfect strangers. It is customary +nowadays for unmarried elder sons of our most aristocratic families to express +their appreciation of the qualities of fascinating bachelor girls over the +sensible, though plebeian, telephone.</i></span> +</div> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2><a name="chap03"></a>CHAPTER THREE:<br/>THE ETIQUETTE OF TRAVEL</h2> + + <p> + The etiquette of travel, like that of courtship and marriage, has + undergone several important changes with the advent of “democracy” and the + “mechanical age.” Time was when travel was indulged in only by the better + classes of society and the rules of travellers’ etiquette were well + defined and acknowledged by all. But Yankee ingenuity has indeed brought + the “mountain to Mahomet”; the “iron horse” and the “Pullman coach” have, + I believe, come to stay, bringing with them many new customs and manners + for the well-bred gentleman or lady who would travel correctly. Truly, the + “old order changeth” and it is, perhaps, only proper that one should keep + (if you will pardon the use of the word), “abreast” of the times. + </p> + <h3> + HINTS FOR THE CORRECT PEDESTRIAN + </h3> + <p> + Let us suppose, for example, that you are a young gentleman of established + social position in one of the many cities of our great middle west, and it + is your desire to travel from your home to New York City for the purpose + of viewing the many attractions of that metropolis of which I need perhaps + only mention the Aquarium or Grant’s Tomb or the Eden Musee. Now there are + many ways of getting to New York, such as (a) on foot, (b) via “rail”; it + should be your first duty to select one of these methods of + transportation. Walking to New York (“a” above) is often rejected because + of the time and effort involved and it is undoubtedly true that if one + attempted to journey afoot from the middle west one would probably be + quite fatigued at the end of one’s journey. The etiquette of walking, + however, is the same for short as for long distances, and I shall at this + point give a few of the many rules for correct behavior among pedestrians. + </p> + <p> + In the first place, it is always customary in a city for a young lady, + either accompanied or unaccompanied, to walk on the sidewalk. A young + “miss” who persists in walking in the gutters is more apt to lose than to + make friends among the socially “worth while.” + </p> + <p> + Gentlemen, either with or without ladies, are never seen walking after + dark in the sewers or along the elevated, tracks. + </p> + <p> + It is not <i>au fait</i> for gentlemen or ladies wearing evening dress to “catch + on behind” passing ice wagons, trucks, etc.; the time and energy saved are + doubtfully repaid should one happen to be driven thus past other members + of one’s particular social “set.” + </p> + <p> + Ladies walking alone on the street after dark do not speak to gentlemen + unless they have been previously introduced or are out of work with winter + coming on. + </p> + <p> + A gentleman walking alone at night, when accosted by a young woman whom he + has not met socially, removes his hat politely, bows and passes on, unless + she looks awfully good. + </p> + <p> + Débutantes meeting traffic policemen always bow first in America; in the + Continental countries, with their age-old flavor of aristocratic court + life, this custom is reversed. + </p> + <p> + A bachelor, accompanied by a young unmarried woman, when stepping + accidentally into an open coal or sewer hole in the sidewalk, removes his + hat and gloves as inconspicuously as possible. + </p> + <p> + It is never correct for young people of either “sex” to push older ladies + in front of swiftly approaching motor vehicles or street cars. + </p> + <p> + A young man, if run over by an automobile driven by a strange lady, should + lie perfectly still (unless dead) until an introduction can be arranged; + the person driving the car usually speaks first. + </p> + <p> + An unmarried woman, if run into and knocked down by a taxicab driven by + someone in her own “set,” usually says “Why the hell don’t you look where + you’re going?” to which the taxi driver, removing his hat, replies “Why + the hell don’t <i>you?</i>” + </p> + <p> + A correct costume for gentlemen walking in the parks or streets of a city, + either before or after dark, consists of shoes (2), socks (2), + undergarments, trousers, shirt, necktie, collar, vest, coat and hat. For + pedestrians of the “opposite” sex the costume is practically the same with + the exception of the socks, trousers, shirt, necktie, collar, vest and + coat. However, many women now affect “knickerbockers” and <i>vice versa</i>. + </p> + <p> + A young lady of good breeding, when walking alone, should not talk or + laugh in a loud boisterous manner. “Capers” (e. g. climbing trees, etc.), + while good exercise and undoubtedly fashionable in certain “speedy” + circles, are of questionable taste for ladies, especially if indulged in + to excess or while walking with young gentlemen on the Sabbath. Sport is + sport, and no one loves a stiff game of “fives” or “rounders” more than I, + but the spectacle of a young unmarried lady and her escort hanging by + their limbs on the Lord’s Day from the second or third cross arm of an + electric telegraph pole is certainly carrying things a bit too far, in my + opinion, even in this age of “golf” and lawn “tennis.” + </p> + <p> + A young gentleman escorting a young lady on foot to a formal ball or the + opera should walk on the outside, especially if they are both in evening + dress and have a long distance to go. It is never incorrect to suggest the + use of a street car, or as one gets near the Opera House, a carriage or a + “taxicab.” + </p> + <p> + A young man walking with a young lady, when accosted by a beggar, always + gives the beggar something unless the young lady is his wife or his + sister. + </p> + <p> + So much for pedestrians. I can not, of course, pretend to give here all + the rules for those who “go afoot” and I can only say that the safest + principle for correct behavior in this, as in many social matters, is the + now famous reply Thomas Edison once made to the stranger who asked him + with what he mixed his paints in order to get such marvellous effects. + “One part inspiration,” replied the great inventor, “and NINE parts + perspiration.” In other words, etiquette is not so much a matter of + “genius” as of steady application to small details. + </p> + <h3> + TRAVELLING BY RAIL + </h3> + <p> + In America much of the travelling is done by “rail.” The etiquette of + railroad behavior is extremely complicated, especially if one is forced to + spend the night <i>en route</i> (on the way) and many and ludicrous are the + mistakes made by those whose social training has apparently fitted them + more for a freight car than for an up-to-date “parlor” or “Pullman” coach. + </p> + <h3> + GOOD FORM ON A STREET CAR + </h3> + <p> + Let us, first of all, however, take up some of the simpler forms of rail + transportation, such as, for example, the electric street or “tram” car + now to be seen on the main highways and byways of all our larger cities. + The rules governing behavior on these vehicles often appear at first quite + complicated, but when one has learned the “ropes,” as they say in the + Navy, one should have no difficulty. + </p> + <p> + An elderly lady with a closed umbrella, for example, desiring to take a + street car, should always stand directly under a large sign marked “Street + Cars Do Not Stop On This Corner.” As the car approaches she should run + quickly out to the car tracks and signal violently to the motorman with + the umbrella. As the car whizzes past without stopping she should cease + signalling, remark “Well I’ll be God damned!” and return to the curbstone. + After this performance has been repeated with three successive cars she + should then walk slowly out and lie down, in a dignified manner, across + the car tracks. In nine cases out of ten the motorman of the next “tram” + will see her lying there and will be gentleman enough to stop his car. + </p> + <p> + When this happens the elderly lady should get quietly up from the street + and stand outside the door marked “Exit Only” until the motorman opens it + for her. She should then enter with the remark, “I signalled to three cars + and not one of them stopped,” to which the motorman will reply, “But, + lady, that sign there says they don’t stop on this corner.” The lady + should then say “What’s your number—I’m going to report you.” + </p> + <p> + After taking his number she should enter the car. At the opposite end of + the vehicle there will undoubtedly be three or four vacant seats; instead + of taking one of these she should stand up in front of some young man and + glare at him until he gets up and gives her his place. + </p> + <p> + It is not customary in American cities for ladies to thank gentlemen who + provide them with seats. + </p> + <p> + After a few minutes she should turn to the man at her right and ask “Does + this car go to Madison Heights?” He will answer “No.” She should then turn + to the man on her left and ask “Does this car go to Madison Heights?” He + will answer “No.” Her next question—“Does this car go to Madison + Heights?”—should be addressed to a man across the aisle, and the + answer will be “No.” She should then listen attentively while the + conductor calls out the names of the streets and as he shouts “Blawmnoo!” + she should ask the man at her right “Did he say Madison Heights?” He will + reply “No.” At the next street the conductor will shout “Blawmnoo!” at + which she should ask “Did he say Madison Heights?” Once more the answer + will be in the negative. The car will proceed, the conductor will now call + “Blawmnoo!” and as the elderly lady once more says “Did he say Madison + Heights?” the man at her left, the man at her right, the man across the + aisle and eight other male passengers will shout “YES!” + </p> + <p> + It is then correct for her to pickup her umbrella and, carefully waiting + until the conductor has pulled the “go ahead” signal, she should cry “Wait + a minute, conductor—I want to get off here.” The car will then be + stopped and she should say “Is this Madison Heights?” to which the + conductor will reply “This ain’t the Madison Heights car, lady.” She + should then say “But you called out Madison Heights,” to which he will + answer “No, lady—that’s eight miles in the opposite direction.” She + should then leave the street car, not forgetting, however, to take the + conductor’s number again. + </p> + <p> + The above hints for “tram” car etiquette apply, of course, only to elderly + ladies. For young men and women the procedure would be in many cases quite + different. A young married woman, for example, on entering a street car, + should always have her ticket or small “change” so securely buried in the + fourth inside pocketbook of her handbag that she cannot possibly find it + inside of twelve minutes. Three or more middle-aged ladies, riding + together, should never decide as to who is to pay the fare until the + conductor has gone stark raving mad. + </p> + +<div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> +<img src="images/image16.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Hints on Homely Young Ladies at a Dance" /> +<span class="caption"><i>Her conduct has stamped the young lady as a provincial +and it is not to be wondered at if suppressed titters and half audible chuckles +follow her about the room.</i> <small>PERFECT BEHAVIOR</small> <i>would have +taught her that it is not the prerogative of a muddy-complexioned +dud—even if she has had only one dance and her costume is very +expensive—to cut in on a gentleman (by grabbing his neck or any other +method) when he is dancing with the wide-eyed beauty from the South who leaves +in five minutes to catch a train. He will be within his rights when, at the end +of five minutes, after three unsuccessful attempts to loosen her grip, he will +carry her into the garden under false pretences and there play the hose on her +until she drowns.</i></span> +</div> + +<div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> +<img src="images/image17.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="The Law of Reprisal in Etiquette" /> +<span class="caption"><i>They are leaving the home of an intimate friend of +several weeks’ standing, after having witnessed a Private Theatrical. +Both feel that some return should be made for their hostess’s kindness +but neither is certain as to just what form the return should take. The Book +of</i> <small>PERFECT BEHAVIOR</small> <i>would have pointed out to them that +the only adequate and satisfactory revenge for this sort of thing is to invite +the lady, as soon as possible without exciting her suspicion, to attend an +Italian opera or a drawing-room musicale.</i></span> +</div> + + <h3> + IN THE SUBWAY + </h3> + <p> + The rules governing correct behavior in the underground “subway” systems + of our great cities (particularly the New York subways) are, however, much + more simple and elemental than the etiquette for surface cars. In the + subway, for example, if you are a married man and living with your wife, + or head of a family, i. e., a person who actually supports one or more + persons living in (or under) his (or her) household on the last day of the + preceding calendar year, provided that such person or persons shall not on + or before July 1 or if July 1 shall fall on a Sunday then on the day + nearest preceding July 1, himself (or themselves) have filed a separate + report as provided in paragraph (g), you should precede a lady when + entering, and follow a lady when leaving, the train. + </p> + <h3> + A HONEYMOON IN A SUBWAY + </h3> + <p> + On the other hand, a wedding or a “honeymoon” trip in a subway brings up + certain problems of etiquette which are entirely different from the above. + Let us suppose, for example, that the wedding takes place at high noon in + exclusive old “Trinity” church, New York. The nearest subway is of course + the “Interborough” (West Side) and immediately after the ceremony the + lucky couple can run poste haste to the “Battery” and board a Lenox Ave. + Local. Arriving at romantic Chambers St. they should change at once to a + Bronx Park Express which will speedily whizz them past 18th St., 23rd St. + and 28th St. to the Pennsylvania Station where they can again transfer, + this time to a Broadway Local. In a jiffy and two winks of an eye they + will be at Times Square, the heart of the “Great White Way” (that Mecca of + pleasure seekers and excitement lovers) where they can either change to a + Broadway Express, journeying under Broadway to historic Columbia + University and Harlem, or they can take the busy little “shuttle” which + will hurry them over to the Grand Central Station. There they can board + the aristocratic East Side Subway, either “up” or “down” town. The trip + “up town” (Lexington Ave. Express) passes under some of the better class + residential districts, but the journey in the other direction is perhaps + more interesting, including as it does such stops as 14th St., Brooklyn + Bridge, Fulton Street, Wall Street (the financial center) etc., not to + mention a delightful passage under the East River to Brooklyn, the city of + homes and churches. Thus without getting out of their seats the happy pair + can be transported from one fascinating end of the great city to the other + and when they have exhausted the possibilities of a honeymoon in the + Interborough they can change, with the additional cost of only a few cents + apiece, to the B. R. T. or the Hudson Tubes which will gladly carry them + to a thousand new and interesting places—a veritable Aladdin’s lamp + on rails. + </p> + <h3> + TRAVELLING UNDER STEAM + </h3> + <p> + And now we come to that most complex form of travel—the railroad + journey. Let us suppose that instead of attempting to walk to New York you + have elected to go on the “train.” On the day of your departure you should + carefully pack your bag or suitcase, taking care to strap and lock it + securely. You can then immediately unstrap and unlock it in order to put + in the tooth paste and shaving brush which you forgot to bring from the + bathroom. + </p> + <p> + Arriving at the station promptly on the time scheduled for the train to + depart you will find that because of “daylight saving time” you have + exactly an hour to wait. The time, however, can be amusingly and + economically spent in the station as follows: 11 weighing machines @.01 + =.11; 3 weighing machines @.05 =.15; 1 weighing machine (out of order).09; + 17 slot machines (chocolate and gum) @.01 =.17. Total cost—.50, + unless, of course, you eat the chocolate. + </p> + <p> + Upon the arrival of the train you consult your ticket to find that you + have “lower 9” in car 43. Walking back to the end of the train and + entering car 43 you will find, in berth number 9, a tired woman and two + small children. You will also find a hat box, a bird cage, a bag of + oranges, a bag of orange peelings, a shoe-box of lunch, a rag doll, a toy + balloon, half a “cookie” and 8,000,000 crumbs. The tired woman will then + say to you “Are you the gentleman who has the lower berth?” to which you + answer “Yes.” She will then say “Well say—we’ve got the upper—and + I wonder if you would mind—” “Not at, all,” you reply, “I should be + only too glad to give you my lower.” This is always done. + </p> + <p> + After you have seated yourself and the train has started the lady’s little + boy will announce, “I want a drink, Mama.” After he has repeated this + eleven times his mother will say to you “I wonder if you would mind + holding the baby while I take Elmer to get a drink?” + </p> + <p> + The etiquette of holding babies is somewhat difficult for bachelors to + master at first as there are no hard and fast rules governing conduct + under these circumstances. An easy “hold” for beginners and one which is + difficult for the ordinary baby to break consists in wrapping the left and + right arms firmly around the center of the child, at the same time + clutching the clothing with the right hand and the toes with the left and + praying to God that the damn thing won’t drop. + </p> + <p> + In this particular case, after Elmer and his mother have gone down the + aisle after a drink, the baby which you are holding will at once begin to + cry. Now as every mother knows, and especially those mothers who have had + children, a baby does not cry without some specific reason and all that is + necessary in the present instance is to discover this reason. First of + all, the child may be merely hungry, in which case you should at once ask + the porter to bring you the a la carte menu. You should then carefully go + over the list of dishes with the infant, taking care to spell out and + explain such names as he may not understand. “How would you like some nice + assorted hors d’œuvres?” you say. “Waaaaa!” says the baby. “No hors + d’œuvres,” you say to the waiter. “Some blue points, perhaps—you + know, o-y-s-t-e-r-s?” You might even act out a blue point or two, as in + charades, so that the child will understand what you mean. In case, + however, the baby does not cease crying after having eaten the first three + or four courses, you should not insist on a salad and a dessert, for + probably it is not hunger which is occasioning the outcry. Perhaps it is a + pin, in which case you should at once bend every effort to the discovery + and removal of the irritant. The most generally accepted modern way of + effecting this consists in passing a large electro-magnet over every + portion of the child’s anatomy and the pin (if pin there be) will of + course at once come to light. Then, too, many small children cry merely + because they have swallowed something which does not agree with them, such + as, for example, a gold tooth or a shoe horn; the remedy in this case + consists in <i>immediately</i> feeding the child the proper counter irritant. + There is, really, no great mystery about the successful raising of + children and with a few common sense principles, such as presented above, + any mother may relieve herself of a great deal of useless anxiety. I hope + I may be pardoned for a digression here, but I feel very strongly that + “today’s babies are tomorrow’s citizens” and I do want to see them brought + up in the proper way. + </p> + <p> + But to return to our train. Perhaps by this time the mother and Elmer will + have returned and you will be relieved of further investigation as to the + cause of the infant’s discomfort. A few minutes later, however, little + Elmer will say “Mama, I want the window open.” This request will be duly + referred to you via the line of authority. It is then your duty to assume + a firm upright stance, with the weight evenly distributed on both feet, + and work for twelve minutes and thirty-nine seconds in a terrific struggle + to raise the windows. At the end of twelve minutes and forty seconds you + will succeed, the window will slowly go up, and the train will at once + enter a tunnel, filling the car and you with coal smoke. In the resulting + darkness and confusion you should seize little Elmer, throw him quickly + out of the open window and make your escape to the gentlemen’s smoking + compartment in the rear of your car. + </p> + <p> + In the “smoker” you will find three men. The first of these will be saying + “and he told me that a bootlegger he knew had cleaned up a thousand + dollars a week since January.” The second will say “Well down where I come + from there’s men who never took a drink before prohibition who get drunk + all the time now.” The third will say “Well, I tell you, men—the + saloon had to go.” + </p> + <p> + Provision for satisfying the “inner man” is now a regular part of the + equipment of all modern trains, and about 6:30 or 7 you should leave your + companions in the “smoker” and walk through the train until you reach the + “diner.” Here you will seat yourself at a table with three other + gentlemen, the first of whom will be remarking, as you sit down, “and I + know for a fact that this bootlegger is making over fifty thousand dollars + a year.” + </p> + <h3> + A CORRECT NIGHT IN A PULLMAN + </h3> + <p> + Before the days of modern railroads one could not very well travel over + night but now, thanks to Mr. Pullman, it is possible for the traveller to + go to bed en route and be every bit as snug and comfortable as the + proverbial insect in a rug. Shortly after dinner the porter will “make up” + the berths in the car and when you desire to retire for the night you + should ask him to bring you the ladder in order that you may ascend to + upper 9. While you are waiting you should stand in the aisle and remove + your coat, vest and shoes, and then begin to search for your suitcase + which you will finally locate by crawling on your chin and stomach under + berth number 11. When you again resume an upright position the train will + give a sudden lurch, precipitating you into berth number 12. A woman’s + voice will then say “Alice?” to which you should of course answer “No” and + climb quickly up the ladder into your proper berth. + </p> + <p> + A great deal of “to do” is often made of the difficulty involved in + undressing in an upper berth but most of this is quite uncalled for. + Experienced travellers now generally wait until the lights of the car have + been dimmed or extinguished when the disrobing can be done quite simply in + five counts, as follows: <i>One</i>—unloosen all clothing and lie flat on + the back. The respiration should be natural, easy and through the lungs. + The muscles should be relaxed; <i>Two</i>—pivoting on the back of the head + and neck, inhale quickly, at the same time drawing the muscles of the legs + and arms sharply under the body, as for a spring; <i>Three</i>—spring + suddenly upward and to the right (or left), catching the bell cord (which + extends along the roof of the train) with the teeth, hands and feet; <i>Four</i>—holding + firmly to the cord with the knees, describe a sudden arc downward with the + head and body, returning to position as soon as the shirt and undershirt + have dropped off into the aisle; <i>Five</i>—taking a firm hold on the cord + with the teeth, let go sharply with the knees. The trousers, etc., should + at once slide off, and you can (and, in fact, should) then swing yourself + quickly back into your berth and pajamas. + </p> + <p> + Once inside your “bunk” you should drift quickly off to slumberland, and + when you wake up it will be five minutes later and the————engineer + will be trying to see what he can do with an air brake and a few steel + sleeping cars. + </p> + <p> + In the morning you will be in New York. + </p> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2><a name="chap04"></a>CHAPTER FOUR:<br/>AT THE CONCERT AND THE OPERA</h2> + + <p> + In order to listen to music intelligently—or what is really much + more important—in order to give the appearance of listening to music + intelligently, it is necessary for the novice to master thoroughly two + fundamental facts. + </p> + <p> + The first, and most important of these, is that the letter “w” in Russian + is pronounced like “v”; the second, that Rachmaninoff has a daughter at + Vassar. + </p> + <p> + Not very difficult, surely—but it is remarkable how much enjoyment + one can get out of music by the simple use of these two formulas. With a + little practise in their use, the veriest tyro can bewilder her escort + even though she be herself so musically uninformed as to think that the + celeste is only used in connection with <i>Aïda</i>, or that a minor triad is + perhaps a young wood nymph. + </p> + <p> + One other important fundamental is that enthusiasm should never be + expressed for any music written after 1870; by a careful observance of + this rule one will constantly experience that delightful satisfaction + which comes with finding one’s opinions shared by the music critics in the + daily press. + </p> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image18.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Chivalry or the Instinct of Self-Preservation? A Fine Point" /> +<span class="caption"><i>The young lady in the picture has just laid out a +perfect drive. She had, unfortunately, neglected to wait until the gentleman +playing ahead of her had progressed more than fifteen yards down the fairway, +and her ball, traveling at a velocity of 1675 f.s., has caught the gentleman +squarely in the half-pint bottle. What mistake, if any, is the gentleman making +in chasing her off the course with his niblick, if we assume that she called +“Fore!” when the ball had attained to within three feet of the +gentleman?</i></span> +</div> + +<div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> +<img src="images/image19.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="An Inexperienced “Gun”" /> +<span class="caption"><i>You will exclaim, no doubt, on looking at the scene +depicted above, “Cherchez la femme.” It is, however, nothing so +serious as you will pardonably suppose. The gentleman is merely an +inexperienced “gun” at a shooting-party, who has begun following +his bird before it has risen above the head of his loader. This very clumsy +violation of the etiquette of sport proves, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that +he has learned to shoot from the comic papers, and that his coat-of-arms can +never again be looked upon as anything but bogus.</i></span> +</div> + + <h3> + LISTENING TO A SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA + </h3> + <p> + The first thing to do on arriving at a symphony concert is to express the + wish that the orchestra will play Beethoven’s Fifth. If your companion + then says “Fifth what?” you are safe with him for the rest of the evening; + no metal can touch you. If, however, he says “So do I”—this is a + danger signal and he may require careful handling. + </p> + <p> + The next step is a glance at the program. If your escort is quite good + looking and worth cultivating, the obvious remark is “Oh dear—not a + very interesting program, to-night. But George—<i>look</i> at what they are + playing next Thursday! My, I wish—.” If George shies at this, it can + be tried again later—say during an “appassionato” passage for the + violins and cellos. + </p> + <p> + As soon as the music starts, all your attention should be directed toward + discovering someone who is making a noise—whispering or coughing; + having once located such a creature, you should immediately “sh-sh” him. + Should he continue the offence, a severe frown must accompany the next + “sh-sh,” a lorgnette—if available—adding great effectiveness + to the rebuke. This will win you the gratitude of your neighbors and serve + to establish your position socially, as well as musically—for + perfect “sh-shers” do not come from the lower classes. + </p> + <p> + At the conclusion of the first number the proper remark is “hmmm,” + accompanied by a slow shake of the head. After this you may use any one of + a number of remarks, as for example, “Well, I suppose Mendelssohn appeals + to a great many people,” or “That was meaningless enough to have been + written by a Russian.” This latter is to be preferred, for it leads your + companion to say, “But don’t you like TschaiKOWsky?”, pronouncing the + second syllable as if the composer were a female bull. You can then reply, + “Why, yes, TschaiKOFFsky <i>did</i> write some rather good music—although + it’s all neurotic and obviously Teutonic.” Don’t fail to stress the “v.” + </p> + <p> + The next number on the program will probably be the soloist—say, a + coloratura soprano. Your first remark should be that you don’t really care + for the human voice—the reason being, of course, that symphonic + Music, ABSOLUTE music, has spoiled you for things like vocal gymnastics. + This leads your bewildered friend to ask you what sort of soloist you + prefer. + </p> + <p> + Ans.—Why, a piano concerto, of course. + </p> + <p> + Ques.—And who is your favorite pianist? + </p> + <p> + Ans.—Rachmaninoff. And then, before the boy has time to breathe + —SHOOT! <i>“Did you knoow that he has a daughter at Vassar?”</i> + </p> + <p> + Although not necessary, it might be well to finish off the poor fellow at + the end of the concert with one or two well placed depth bombs. My own + particular favorite for this is the following, accompanied by a low sigh: + “After all—Beethoven IS Beethoven.” + </p> + <h3> + CORRECT BEHAVIOR AT A PIANO RECITAL + </h3> + <p> + The same procedure is recommended for the piano or violin recital, with + the possible addition of certain phrases such as “Yes—of course, she + has technique—but, my dear, so has an electric piano.” This remark + gives you a splendid opportunity for sarcasm at the expense of Mr. Duo-Art + and other manufacturers of mere mechanical perfection; the word “soul”—pronounced + with deep feeling, as when repeating a fish order to a stupid waiter—may + be introduced effectively several times. + </p> + <p> + The program at these recitals is likely to be more complex than that at a + symphony concert. This is a distinct advantage, for it gives you a + splendid opportunity to catch some wretch applauding before the music is + really finished. Nothing is quite comparable to the satisfaction of + smiling knowingly at your neighbors when this <i>faux pas</i> is committed, + unless it be the joy of being the first to applaud at the <i>real</i> conclusion. + This latter course, however, is fraught with danger for the beginner; the + chances for errors in judgment are many, and the only sure way to avoid + anachronistic applause is to play the safe game and refrain altogether + from any expression of approval—a procedure which is heartily + recommended for the musically ignorant, it being also the practise among + the majority of the critics. + </p> + <h3> + IN A BOX AT THE OPERA + </h3> + <p> + The opera differs from the symphony concert, or piano recital, in the same + way that the army drill command of “At Ease!” differs from “Rest!” When + one of these orders (I never could remember which is given to a battalion + in formation), it signifies that talking is permitted; opera, of course, + corresponds to that command. + </p> + <p> + Before the invention of the phonograph it was often necessary for the + opera goer to pay some attention to the performance—at least while + certain favorite arias were being sung; this handicap to the enjoyment of + opera has now fortunately been overcome and one can devote one’s entire + attention to other more important things, safe in one’s knowledge that one + has Galli-Curci at home on the Vic. + </p> + <p> + In order really to get the most out of an opera a great deal of study and + preparation is required in advance; I have not space at this time to cover + these preliminaries thoroughly, but would recommend to the earnest student + such supplemental information as can be obtained from Lady Duff-Gordon, or + Messrs. Tiffany, Técla and Pinaud. + </p> + <p> + Upon entering one’s box the true opera lover at once assumes a musical + attitude; this should be practised at home, by my lady, before a mirror + until she is absolutely sure that the shoulders and back can be seen from + any part of the house. Then, with the aid of a pair of strong opera + glasses, she may proceed to scrutinize carefully the occupants of the + boxes—noting carefully any irregular features. Technical + phraseology, useful in this connection, includes “unearthly creature,” + “stray leopard” or, simply, “that person.” + </p> + <p> + Your two magical formulas—the Russian “w” and the sad story about + Rachmaninoff’s daughter—may, of course, be held in reserve—but + the chances are that you will be unable to use them, for during an evening + at the opera there will probably be no mention of music. + </p> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2><a name="chap05"></a>CHAPTER FIVE:<br/>ETIQUETTE FOR DRY AGENTS</h2> + + <h3> + SOME BROADER ASPECTS OF PROHIBITION + </h3> + <p> + In spite of the great pride and joy which we Americans feel over the + success of National Prohibition; in spite of the universal popularity of + the act and the method of its enforcement; in spite of the fact that it is + now almost impossible to obtain in any of our ex-saloons anything in the + least resembling whiskey or gin,—there still remains the distressing + suspicion that quite possibly, at some of the dinner parties and dances of + our more socially prominent people, liquor—or its equivalent—is + openly being served. Dry agents have, of course, tried on several + occasions to verify this suspicion; their praiseworthy efforts have met, + for the most part, with scant success. + </p> + <p> + The main difficulty has been, I believe, that the average dry agent is too + little versed in the customs and manners of polite society. It is + lamentably true that, too often, has a carefully planned society dry raid + been spoiled because the host noticed that one of his guests was wearing + white socks with a black tie, or that the intruder was using his dessert + spoon on the hors d’œuvres. + </p> + <p> + The solution of this difficulty lies, of course, in the gradual procuring + of a better class of dry agent. There are signs (though, unfortunately, in + the wrong direction) that some of our younger college generation are + already casting envious eyes toward the rich rewards, the social + opportunities and the exciting life of the professional bootlegger. + </p> + <p> + It might be well to interest some of these promising youngsters in the no + less exciting occupation of National Prohibition Enforcement Officer. At + present the chief difficulty seems to lie in the fact that, in our + preparatory schools and colleges, a young man acquires a certain code of + honor which causes him to look with distaste on what he calls pussyfooting + and sneaking. + </p> + <p> + People too often forget that, in order to make effective such a + universally beneficent law, any means are justified. It will be, I hope, + only a matter of years before this distrust of the “sneak” will have died + out, and the Dry Agent will come to be regarded with the reverence and + respect due to one who devotes his life to the altruistic investigation of + his neighbor’s affairs. + </p> + <h3> + THE COLLEGE GRADUATE AS DRY AGENT + </h3> + <p> + Then, too, many young college men are deterred from becoming Dry Agents by + thinking of the comparative scantiness of the monetary rewards. This + difficulty is only an imaginary one—for, luckily, as soon as a man’s + code of honor has been elevated to the extent that it permits him to take + up a career of pussy-footing there is generally eliminated at the same + time any objection he might have to what is often called bribery. Thus, by + a fortunate combination of circumstances, a Dry Agent is enabled to serve + mankind and, at the same time, greatly increase his own personal fortune. + </p> + <p> + But we cannot wait until our college graduates come to regard pussyfooting + as a career. We must do what we can with the material at our disposal. We + must in some way educate our present Dry Agents so that they can go to any + function in polite society and remain as inconspicuous and as completely + disregarded as the host. As a first step in such a social training I offer + the following suggestions, in the hope that before long no function will + be complete without the presence of four or five correctly dressed + National Prohibition Enforcement Officers, ready and eager to arrest the + host and hostess and all the guests on the slightest provocation. + </p> + <h3> + PLANNING A DRY RAID ON A MASQUERADE BALL + </h3> + <p> + Let us suppose, for example, that you are a Dry Agent and that your name + is Isador Eisenberg, and, one day, you and your chief are sitting around + the Dry Agent’s Club and he says to you, “Izzy—I see by the paper + that there’s a swell society masquerade ball to be given by the younger + married set tomorrow night at the Glen Cove Country Club. Take your squad + to cover it.” At this point you doubtless say, “Chief, I’m afraid I can’t + use my squad. My men have been disguised as trained seals all this week, + and tomorrow night, they are to raid all the actresses’ dressing rooms at + the Hippodrome” and then the Chief says, “Well, Izzy, you’ll have to rent + a costume and pull off the raid all by yourself.” + </p> + <h3> + A WORD ABOUT CORRECT COSTUMES + </h3> + <p> + Your first concern should be, of course, your costume. If you have a high + voice (although really there is no reason for supposing that all Dry + Agents have high voices), you might well attend the masquerade disguised + as a lady. One of the neatest and, on the whole, most satisfactory of + ladies’ disguises is that of Cleopatra. Cleopatra, as you know, was once + Queen of Egypt and the costume is quite simple and attractive. It may be, + however, that you would prefer to appear as a modern rather than an + ancient queen. A modern Queen (if one may judge from the illustrated + foreign periodicals) always wears a plain suit and carries a tightly + rolled umbrella. Should you care to attend the masquerade as an + allegorical figure—say “2000 Years of Progress”—you might wear + the Cleopatra costume and carry the umbrella. Or you might go attired as + some other less prominent member of the nobility—for instance, Lady + Dartmouth, whose delightful costume is more or less featured in the + advertising on our better class subways and street cars, and can be + obtained at a comparatively small cost at any reliable dry goods store. + </p> + <p> + Should you, however, feel that you would be more at ease in a male + costume, there are several suggestions which might cleverly conceal your + real identity. You might, for example, attend the ball as Jurgen—a + costume which would assure you a pleasurable evening and many pleasing + acquaintances. You might, with equal satisfaction, go as an Indian. + </p> + <p> + It occurs to me that it might even be a clever move to attend the party + dressed as a Dry Agent. All suspicion would be instantly lost in the + uproar of laughter which would greet your announcement of your disguise; + many men would probably so far enter into the spirit of the joke as to + offer you drinks from their flasks, and much valuable evidence could be + obtained in this way. And the costume is quite easy—simply wear a + pleated soft-bosom dress shirt with your evening dress, and tuck the ends + of your black tie under your collar. + </p> + +<div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> +<img src="images/image20.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Packets of Old Letters Make Acceptable Wedding Gifts" /> +<span class="caption"><i>Packets of old letters, bits of verse, locks of hair, +pressed flowers, inscribed books, photographs, etc., all make acceptable +wedding gifts. By telling you whether they should be presented to the Bride or +to the Groom</i> <small>PERFECT BEHAVIOR</small> <i>has, we feel, settled the +question of future happiness in many a new-made home.</i></span> +</div> + +<div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> +<img src="images/image21.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Correct Methods of Using Table Hardware" /> +<span class="caption"><i>You are, let us say, one of the Ushers attending the +Bachelor Dinner. You are handed a bottle of Chateau Lafitte ’69. Can you +select, from the diagram above, the proper implement to use in getting at its +contents? The correct methods of choosing and using table hardware are +explained in</i> <small>PERFECT BEHAVIOR</small>.</span> +</div> + +<div class="fig" style="width:70%;"> +<img src="images/image22.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="It Is Sometimes Best to Be Frank" /> +<span class="caption"><i>The young couple in the picture are trying to word a +plausible letter of regret in answer to an invitation to a house-party. Had +they consulted their</i> <small>PERFECT BEHAVIOR</small> <i>they would have +known that there is no plausible excuse for not accepting any invitation +whatever, and that the simplest and most dignified, method is to write the +attached model letter.</i></span> +</div> + + <h3> + GOOD FORM FOR DRY AGENTS DURING A RAID + </h3> + <p> + After the costume, you should arrange to obtain a mask and a breath. The + former is, of course, for the purpose of hiding your identity; the latter + is essential at any party where you wish to remain inconspicuous. A good + whisky breath can usually be obtained from a bottle of any of the better + known brands of Scotch or Rye whisky by holding a small quantity of the + liquor in the mouth for a short period of time. It is not, of course, + necessary to swallow the liquor and in this connection I would suggest + that you use only the best grade whisky, for there are at present being + manufactured for domestic consumption several brands which, if held in the + mouth for a longer interval than, say, three seconds, are apt to eat away + the tongue or dissolve several of your more important teeth. + </p> + <p> + On the night of the party, therefore, having donned your Dry Agent + costume, having put on your mask, having secured a good breath—you + jump into a taxicab and drive to the Glen Cove Country Club. And, as you + enter the door of the club, some girl, dressed, probably, as Martha + Washington, will run up and kiss you. This is not because she thinks you + are George Washington; it is because she drank that eighth Bronx cocktail + at dinner. + </p> + <p> + And right at this point is where most Dry Agents have displayed their + ignorance of the usages of polite society, for most of them are wofully + ignorant of the correct way to handle such a situation. Your average Dry + Agent, not being accustomed to the ways of Younger Marrieds, is often + confused upon being unexpectedly kissed, and in his confusion betrays his + unfortunate lack of social training. + </p> + <p> + The correct way to meet the above situation is based on the fundamental + rule of all social etiquette—common sense. Return the lady’s kiss in + an easy, natural manner and pass on. If she follows you, lead her at once + to a quiet unoccupied corner of the club and knock her over the head with + a chair or some other convenient implement. It has been found that this is + the only effective way to deal with this type of woman and it is really + only a kindness to her and her husband to keep her from embarrassing you + with her attentions during the rest of the evening. + </p> + <p> + After you have removed your coat, you should go to the ball room where you + will find the dance in full swing—full being of course used in its + common or alcoholic sense. Take your place in the stag line and don’t, + under any circumstances, allow anyone to induce you to cut in on any of + the dancers. In the first place, you won’t be able to dance because Dry + Agents, like Englishmen, never can; secondly, if you <i>try</i> to dance, you are + taking the enormous chance, especially at a masquerade, that the man who + introduced you to your partner will disappear for the rest of the evening, + leaving you with Somebody’s Albatross hanging around your neck. And, of + all Albatrosses, the married one is perhaps farthest South—especially + if she happens to be a little tight and wants to talk about her husband + and children. + </p> + <p> + Your policy, therefore, should be one of complete non-partisanship. If you + do not dance, do not let yourself be drawn into conversation, and do not, + above all things, show any consideration for the host or hostess. By + closely observing the actions of the men and women about you, by wandering + down into the club bar, by peeking into the automobiles parked outside the + club, you will probably be able to obtain sufficient evidence of the + presence of alcohol to justify a raid. And then, when you have raided the + Glen Cove Country Club, you can turn your attention to the 12,635,439 + other clubs and private houses where the same thing is going on. And, if + Mr. Volstead has a dress suit, you might take him with you, and show him + just how beautifully Prohibition is working and how enthusiastic the + better classes of American society are about it. + </p> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2><a name="chap06"></a>CHAPTER SIX:<br/>A CHAPTER FOR SCHOOLGIRLS</h2> + + <p> + Every Fall a larger number of young girls leave home to come East to the + various Finishing Schools in this section of the country. For the benefit + of those who are making this trip for the first time, we outline a few of + the more important points in connection with the preliminaries to the trip + East, together with minute instructions as to the journey itself. + </p> + <h3> + SELECTING A PROPER SCHOOL + </h3> + <p> + This is, of course, mainly a parent’s problem and is best solved by + resorting to the following formula: Let A and B represent two young girls’ + finishing schools in the East. Mrs. Raleigh-Jones (X), from the West, + sends her daughter to A; Mrs. Borax (Y), from the same city, sends her + daughter to B. Upon consulting the local social register, it is found that + Mr. Raleigh-Jones is a member of the Union, Colonial, Town and Country, + and Valley Hunt Clubs; upon consulting the telephone directory it is found + that the Boraxes live at 1217 S. Main Street, and that Mr. Borax is an + undertaker. Shall Mrs. F. B. Gerald (Z) send her daughter Annette to A or + to B, and why? + </p> + <p> + Answer: A, because life is real, life is earnest, and the grave is not its + goal. + </p> + <h3> + CORRECT EQUIPMENT FOR THE SCHOOLGIRL + </h3> + <p> + Having selected an educational institution, the next requisite is a + suitable equipment. Girls who live in other parts of the United States are + often surprised to discover that the clothes which they have purchased at + the best store in their home town are totally unsuited for the rough + climate of the East. I would, therefore, recommend the following list, + subject, of course, to variation in individual cases. + </p> +<p class="letter"> + 1 Dress, chine, crepe de, pink, for dancing.<br/> + 1 Dress, chine, crepe de, pink, for petting.<br/> + 1 Dress, Swiss, Dotted, blue, or<br/> + 1 Dress, Swiss, undotted, white.<br/> + 15 yards Tulle, best quality, pink.<br/> + 4 bottles perfume, domestic, or<br/> + 1 bottle, perfume, French.<br/> + 12 Dozen Dorine, men’s pocket size.<br/> + 6 Soles, cami, assorted.<br/> + 1 Brassiere, or riding habit.<br/> + 100 boxes aspirin, for dances and house-parties.<br/> + 1 wave, permanent, for conversation.<br/> + 24 waves, temporary.<br/> + 10,000 nets, hair.<br/> + 100,000 pins, hair.<br/> + 1 bottle Quelques Fleurs, for knockout. +</p> + <h3> + EN ROUTE + </h3> + <p> + After the purchase of a complete outfit, it will be necessary to say + goodbye to one’s local friends. Partings are always somewhat sad, but it + will be found that much simple pleasure may be derived from the last + nights with the various boys to whom one is engaged. + </p> + <p> + In this connection, however, it would be well to avoid making any rash + statements regarding undying friendship and affection, because, when you + next see Eddie or Walter, at Christmas time, you will have been three + months in the East, while they have been at the State University, and + really, after one starts dancing with Yale men—well, it’s a funny + world. + </p> + <p> + In case you do not happen to meet any friends on the train, the surest way + to protect yourself from any unwelcome advances is to buy a copy of the + <i>Atlantic Monthly</i> and carry it, in plain view. Next to a hare lip, this is + the safest protection for a travelling young girl that I know of; it has, + however, the one objection that all the old ladies on the train are likely + to tell you what they think of Katherine Fullerton Gerould, or their + rheumatism. + </p> + <p> + If you are compelled to go to the dining car alone, you will probably sit + beside an Elk with white socks, who will call the waiter “George.” Along + about the second course he will say to you, “It’s warm for September, + isn’t it?” to which you should answer “No.” That will dispose of the Elk. + </p> + <p> + Across the table from you will be a Grand Army man and his wife, going to + visit their boy Elmer’s wife’s folks in Schenectady. When the fish is + served, the Grand Army man will choke on a bone. Let him choke, but do not + be too hopeful, as the chances are that he will dislodge the bone. All + will go well until the dessert, when his wife will begin telling how + raspberry sherbet always disagrees with her. Offer her your raspberry + sherbet. + </p> + <p> + After dinner you may wish to read for a while, but the porter will + probably have made up all the berths for the night. It will also be found + that the light in your berth does not work, so you will be awake for a + long time; finally, just as you are leaving Buffalo, you will at last get + to sleep, and when you open your eyes again, you will be—in Buffalo. + </p> + <p> + There will be two more awakenings that night—once at Batavia, where + a merry wedding party with horns and cow bells will follow the lucky bride + and groom into your car, and once at Schenectady, where the Pullman car + shock-absorbing tests are held. The next morning, tired but unhappy, you + will reach New York. + </p> + <h3> + A JOURNEY AROUND NEW YORK + </h3> + <p> + <i>The Aquarium</i>. Take Fifth Avenue Bus to Times Square. Transfer to 42nd + Street Crosstown. Get off at 44th Street, and walk one block south to the + Biltmore. The most interesting fish will be found underneath the hanging + clock, near the telephone booths. + </p> + <p> + <i>Grant’s Tomb</i>. Take Fifth Avenue bus, and a light lunch. Change at + Washington Square to a blue serge or dotted Swiss. Ride to the end of the + line, and walk three blocks east. Then return the same way you came, + followed by three fast sets of tennis, a light supper and early to bed. If + you do not feel better in the morning, cut out milk, fresh fruit and + uncooked foods for a while. + </p> + <p> + <i>Metropolitan Museum of Art</i>. Take Subway to Brooklyn. (Flatbush.) Then ask + the subway guard where to go; he will tell you. + </p> + <p> + <i>The Bronx</i>. Take three oranges, a lemon, three of gin, to one of vermouth, + with a dash of bitters. Serve cold. + </p> + <p> + <i>The Ritz</i>. Take taxicab and fifty dollars. If you have only fifty dollars + the filet of sole Marguéry is very good. + </p> + <p> + <i>Brooklyn Bridge</i>. Terrible. And their auction is worse. + </p> + <p> + When you have visited all these places, it will probably be time to take + the train to your school. + </p> + <h3> + THE FIRST DAYS IN THE NEW SCHOOL + </h3> + <p> + The first week of school life is apt to be quite discouraging, and we can + not too emphatically warn the young girl not to do anything rash under the + influence of homesickness. It is in this initial period that many girls, + feeling utterly alone and friendless, write those letters to boys back + home which are later so difficult to pass off with a laugh. It is during + this first attack of homesickness also that many girls, in their + loneliness, recklessly accept the friendship of other strange girls, only + to find out later that their new acquaintance’s mother was a Miss + Gundlefinger of Council Bluffs, or that she lives on the south side of + Chicago. We advise: Go slow at first. + </p> + <h3> + BECOMING ACCLIMATIZED + </h3> + <p> + In your first day at school you will be shown your room; in your room you + will find a sad-eyed fat girl. You will be told that this will be your + room mate for the year. You will find that you have drawn a blank, that + she comes from Topeka, Kan., that her paw made his money in oil, and that + she is religious. You will be nice to her for the first week, because you + aren’t taking any chances at the start; you will tolerate her for the rest + of the year, because she will do your lessons for you every night. + </p> + <p> + Across the hall from you there will be two older girls who are back for + their second year. One of them will remind you of the angel painted on the + ceiling of the Victory Theatre back home, until she starts telling about + her summer at Narragansett; from the other you will learn how to inhale. + </p> + <h3> + A VISITOR FROM PRINCETON + </h3> + <p> + About the middle of the first term your cousin Charley Waldron, that + freshman at Princeton, will write and say that he would like to come up + and see you. You go to Miss French and ask her if you can have your cousin + visit you. She sniffs at the “cousin” and tell’s you that she must have a + letter from Charley’s father, one from Charley’s minister, one from the + governor of your state, and one from some disinterested party certifying + that Charley has never been in the penitentiary, has never committed + arson, and is a legitimate child. After you have secured these letters, + Miss French will tell you that Charley will be allowed to see you next + Saturday from four till five. + </p> + <p> + Charley will come and will be ushered into the reception room. While he is + sitting there alone, the entire school will walk slowly, one by one, past + the open door and look in at him. This will cause Charley to perspire + freely and to wish to God he had worn his dark suit. + </p> + <p> + It is not at all likely that you will be allowed to go to New Haven during + your first year, which is quite a pity, as this city, founded in 1638, is + rich in historical interest. It was here, for example, in 1893, that Yale + defeated Harvard at football, and the historic Pigskin which was used that + day is still preserved intact. Many other quaint relics are to be seen in + and around the city of elms, mementos of the past which bring to the + younger generation a knowledge and respect for things gone. In the month + of June, for example, there is really nothing which quite conjures up for + the college youth of today a sense of the mutability and impermanence of + this mortal life so much as the sight of a member of the class of 1875 + after three days’ intensive drinking. <i>Eheu fugaces!</i> + </p> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image23.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="“Who Shall Write First?”" /> +<span class="caption"><i>“Who shall write first?” is a question that has + perplexed many a lady or gentleman who is anxious to do the correct thing + under any circumstances. A lady who has left town may send a brief note or + a “P. P. C.” (“pour prendre congé,” i.e., “to take leave”) card to a + gentleman who remains at home, if the gentleman is her husband and if she + has left town with his business partner. Neither the note nor the card + requires an acknowledgment, but many a husband takes pleasure in penning + his congratulations to the lady, concluding with an expression of + gratitude to his friend.</i></span> +</div> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2><a name="chap07"></a>CHAPTER SEVEN:<br/>THE ETIQUETTE OF GAMES AND SPORTS</h2> + + <h3> + GOLF AS A PASTIME + </h3> + <p> + “Golf” (from an old Scottish word meaning “golf”) is becoming increasingly + popular in the United States, and almost every city now has at least one + private club devoted to the pursuit of this stylish pastime. Indeed, in + many of our larger metropolises, the popular enthusiasm has reached such + heights that free “public” courses have been provided for the citizens + with, I may say, somewhat laughable results, as witness the fact that I + myself have often seen persons playing on these “public” courses in + ordinary shirts and trousers, tennis shoes, and <i>suspenders</i>. + </p> + <p> + The influence of this “democratization” on the etiquette of what was once + an exclusive sport has been, in many instances, deplorable, and I am sure + that our golf-playing forefathers would turn over in their graves were + they to “play around” today on one of the “public” courses. In no pastime + are the customs and unwritten laws more clearly defined, and it is + essential that the young lady or gentleman of fashion who contemplates an + afternoon on the “links” devote considerable time and attention to the + various niceties of the etiquette of this ancient and honorable game. + </p> + <p> + A young man, for example, when playing with his employer, should always + take pains to let his employer win. This is sometimes extremely difficult, + but with practice even the most stubborn of obstacles can be overcome. On + the first tee, for instance, after the employer, having swung and missed + the ball completely one or two times, has managed to drive a distance of + some forty-nine yards to the extreme right, the young man should take care + to miss the ball completely <i>three</i> times, and then drive forty-eight yards + to the extreme left. This is generally done by closing the eyes tightly + and rising up sharply on both toes just before hitting the ball. + </p> + <p> + On the “greens” it is customary for a young man to “concede” his employer + every “putt” which is within twenty feet of the hole. If the employer + insists on “putting” [Ed. note:—He won’t] and misses, the young man + should take care to miss his own “putt.” After both have “holed out,” the + young man should ask, “how many strokes, sir?” The employer will reply, + “Let me see—I think I took seven for this hole, didn’t I?” A + well-bred young man will not under any circumstances remind his employer + that he saw him use at least three strokes for the drive, three strokes + for his second shot, four strokes in the “rough,” seven strokes in the + “bunker,” and three “putts” on the “green,” but will at once reply, “No, + sir, I think you only took six, altogether.” The employer will then say, + “Well, well, call it six. I generally get five on this hole. What did you + take?” The young man should then laugh cheerily and reply, “Oh, I took my + customary seven.” To which the employer will sympathetically say, “Too + bad!” + </p> + <p> + After the employer has thus won his first three holes he will begin to + offer the young man advice on how to improve his game. This is perhaps the + most trying part of the afternoon’s sport, but a young man of correct + breeding and good taste will always remember the respect due an older man, + and will not make the vulgar error of telling his employer for God’s sake + shut up before he gets a brassie in his———— ear. + </p> + <p> + A wife playing with her husband should do everything in her power to make + the game enjoyable for the latter. She should encourage him, when + possible, with little cheering proverbs, such as, “If at first you don’t + succeed, try, try again,” and she should aid him with her advice when she + thinks he is in need of it. Thus, when he drives into the sycamore tree on + number eleven, she should say, “Don’t you think, dear, that if you aimed a + little bit more to the right....” et cetera. When they come to number + fourteen, and his second shot lands in the middle of the lake, she should + remark, “Perhaps you didn’t hit it hard enough, dear.” And when, on the + eighteenth, his approach goes through the second-story window of the + club-house, she should say, “Dear, I wonder if you didn’t hit that too + hard?” Such a wife is a true helpmate, and not merely a pretty ornament on + which a silly husband can hang expensive clothes, and if he is the right + sort of man, he will appreciate this, and refrain from striking her with a + niblick after this last remark. + </p> + <p> + A young wife who does not play the game herself can, nevertheless, be of + great help to her husband by listening patiently, night after night, while + he tells her how he drove the green on number three, and took a four on + number eight (Par five), and came up to the fourteenth one under fours. + Caddies should be treated at all times with the respect and pity due one’s + fellow creatures who are “unfortunate.” The sins of the fathers are + visited upon the children, and one should always remember that it is not, + after all, the poor caddy’s fault that he was born blind. + </p> + <h3> + AN AFTERNOON AT THE OLD FARM WITH THE DICE + </h3> + <p> + “Craps” is a game played with dice, which is often popular in the men’s + coat and smoking-rooms before and during formal receptions, balls, + recitals, etcetera. It should not be imagined, however, that “craps” is a + sport for men only; on the contrary, smart women are enthusiastically + taking up this sport in numerous localities, and many an affair which + started as a dinner party or a musicale has ended in a crap game, with all + the guests seated in an excited circle on the floor, contributing to the + host’s efforts to make expenses for the evening. + </p> + <p> + It is in connection with these “mixed” games, however, that most of the + more serious questions of “craps” etiquette arise. If, for example, you + are a young man desirous of “shooting craps” with your grandmother, the + correct way of indicating your desire when you meet the old lady in a + public place is for you to remove your hat deferentially and say “Shoot a + nickel, Grandmother?” If she wishes to play she will reply “Shoot, boy!” + and you should then select some spot suitable for the game and assist her, + if she wishes your aid, to kneel on the ground. It might be an added mark + of gentility to offer her your handkerchief or coat upon which to rest her + knees. + </p> + <p> + You should then take out the dice and “shoot.” Your grandmother will look + at your “throw” and say, “Oh, boy! He fives—he fives—a three + and a two—never make a five—come on, you baby seven!” You + should then take up the dice again and shake them in your right hand while + your grandmother chants, “A four and a three—a four and a two—dicety + dice, and an old black joe—come on, you SEVEN!” You should then + again “shoot.” This time, as you have thrown a six and a one, your + grandmother will then exclaim, “He sevens—the boy sevens—come + on to grandmother, dice—talk to the nice old lady—Phoebe for + grandma, dice, for grandpa needs a new pair of shoes—shoot a dime!” + </p> + <p> + She will then “throw,” and so the game will go on until the old lady + evidences a desire to stop, or, possibly, until either you or she are + “cleaned out.” In this latter case, however, it would be a customary act + of courtesy towards an older person for you to offer to shoot your + grandmother for her shawl or her side combs, thus giving her several more + chances to win back the money she has lost. It should be recommended that + young men never make a mistake in going a little out of their way on + occasion to make life more pleasant and agreeable for the aged. + </p> + <h3> + CORRECT BEHAVIOR ON A PICNIC + </h3> + <p> + There often comes a time in the life of the members of “society” when they + grow a little weary of the ceaseless round of teas, balls and dinners, and + for such I would not hesitate to recommend a “picnic.” + </p> + <p> + A day spent in the “open,” with the blue sky over one’s head, is indeed a + splendid tonic for jaded nerves. But one should not make the mistake of + thinking that because he (or she) is “roughing it” for a day, he (or she) + can therefore leave behind his (or her) “manners,” for such is not the + case. There is a distinct etiquette for picnics, and any one who + disregards this fact is apt to find to his (or her) sorrow that the “shoe” + in this case is decidedly “on the other foot.” + </p> + <p> + A young man, for example, is often asked by a young lady to accompany her + on a “family picnic.” To this invitation he should, after some + consideration, reply either “Yes” or “No,” and if the former, he should + present himself at the young lady’s house promptly on the day set for the + affair (usually Sunday). + </p> + <p> + A “family picnic” generally consists of a Buick, a father, a mother, a + daughter, a small son, beef loaf, lettuce sandwiches, a young man (you), + two blow-outs, one spare tire, and Aunt Florence. + </p> + <p> + The father drives with his small boy beside him; in the rear are the + mother, the daughter, Aunt Florence, the thermos bottles, the lunch + baskets and you. As you take your seat you must remember that it is a + distinct evidence of bad breeding to show in any way that you are + conscious of the fact that the car has been standing for the last hour and + forty-four minutes in the hot July sun. + </p> + <p> + “We’re off!” cries father, pressing his foot on the self-starting pedal. + Thirty minutes later you roll away from the curb and the picnic has begun. + The intervening time has, of course, been profitably spent by you in + walking to the nearest garage for two new sparkplugs. + </p> + <p> + It should be your duty, as guest, to see that the conversation in the rear + seat is not allowed to lag. “It’s a great day,” you remark, as the car + speeds along. “I think it’s going to rain,” replies Aunt Florence. “Not + too fast, Will!” says mother. “Mother!” says the daughter. + </p> + <p> + Ten minutes later you should again remark, “My, what a wonderful day!” + “Those clouds are gathering in the west,” says Aunt Florence, “I think we + had better put the top up.” “I think this is the wrong road,” says mother. + </p> + <p> + “Dear, I know what I’m doing,” replies father. + </p> + <p> + The secret of good conversation lies in discovering the “hobby” of the + person with whom one is conversing, and a good talker always throws out + several “feelers” in order to find out the things in which his partner is + most interested. You should, therefore, next say to mother, “Don’t you + think this is a glorious day for a picnic?” to which she will reply, + “Well, I’m sure this is the wrong road. Hadn’t you better ask?” The + husband will answer nothing, but Aunt Florence will murmur, “I think I + felt a drop of rain, Will. If you don’t put the top up now, we’ll all be + drenched.” + </p> + <p> + The husband will then stop the car, and you and he will proceed to put up + the top. In doing this, it is customary for the guest to get the second + and third fingers of his right hand so severely pinched that he can not + use the hand for several days. As soon as the top is up and the rain + curtains are in place the sun will come out and you can at once get out + and put the top down, taking care this time to ruin two fingers of the + <i>left</i> hand. + </p> + <p> + No good conversationalist confines himself exclusively to one subject, and + when you are once more “under way” you should remark to the mother, “I + think that motoring is great fun, don’t you, Mrs. Caldwell?” Her answer + will be, “I wish you wouldn’t drive so fast!” You should then smile and + say to Aunt Florence, “Don’t <i>you</i> think that motoring is great fun, Mrs. + Lockwood?” As she is about to reply, the left rear tire will blow out with + a loud noise and the car will come to a bumping stop. + </p> + <p> + The etiquette of changing a tire is fairly simple. As soon as the + “puncture” occurs one should at once remark, “Is there anything I can do?” + This request should be repeated from time to time, always taking care, + however, that no one takes it at all seriously. The real duty of a young + man who is a “guest” on a motor trip on which a “blow-out” occurs is, of + course, to keep the ladies of the party amused during the delay. This can + be accomplished by any of the conventional methods, such as card tricks, + handsprings, and other feats of athletic agility, or making funny jokes + about the host who is at work on the tire. + </p> + <p> + When the damage has been repaired and the car is once more speeding along, + leaving behind it mile after mile of dusty road as well as father’s best + “jack” and set of tire tools, the small boy will suddenly remark, “I’m + hungry.” His father will then reply, “We’ll be at a fine place to eat in + ten minutes.” Thirty minutes later mother will remark, “Will, that looks + like a good place for a picnic over there.” The father will reply, “No—we’re + coming to a wonderful place—just trust me, Mary!” Twenty minutes + later Aunt Florence will say, “Will, I think that grove over there would + be fine for our lunch,” to which the husband will reply, “We’re almost at + the place I know about—it’s ideal for a picnic.” Forty minutes after + this, father will stop the car and point to a clump of trees. “There,” he + will say, “what do you think of that?” “Oh, we can’t eat <i>there!</i>” will be + the answer of mother, daughter and Aunt Florence. “Drive on a bit further—I + think I know a place.” + </p> + <p> + Three hours and thirty minutes later (i. e. four hours past your normal + lunch hour) there will be another puncture and as the car stops beside a + wheat field it will begin to rain, and the daughter will sigh, “Well, we + might as well eat here.” The “picnic” will then be held in the car, and + nothing really quite carries one back to nature and primeval man as does + warm lemonade and a lettuce sandwich in a Buick with the top up and side + curtains on. + </p> + <p> + After lunch it will be time to return home, and after you and father have + ruined your clothes in repairing the punctures, the merry party will + proceed on its way. The next morning, if you have not caught pneumonia, + you will be able to go to your work greatly refreshed by your day’s outing + in the lap of old Mother Nature. + </p> + +<div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> +<img src="images/image24.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Correct Negotiations for a Seat in the Subway" /> +<span class="caption"><i>Nowhere is the etiquette of travel more abused than +our subways. The gentleman shown above is en route to his fiancée’s flat +in the Bronx. He has neglected to purchase the customary bouquet for his +intended and has offered his seat to the lady, who is standing, in exchange for +her corsage bouquet. Should she accept the proposition without further ado, or +should she request the guard to introduce the gentleman first?</i></span> +</div> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image25.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Old Fashioned Letter and Writers vs. Perfect Behavior" /> +<span class="caption"><i>The young lady has received an invitation to a +quilting-bee from a Mrs. Steenwyck and, anxious to make a correct reply, she +has bought a Complete Letter Writer to aid her to this end. To her surprise and +dismay, she finds that it contains three model replies to such an invitation +beginning “Dear Mrs. Peartree,” “Dear Mrs. Rombouts,” +and “Dear Mrs. Bevy,” and one invitation to a christening +beginning, “Dear Mrs. Steenwyck,” but no reply to an invitation to +a quilting-bee beginning “Dear Mrs. Steenwyck.”</i> <small>PERFECT +BEHAVIOR</small> <i>settles such perplexities.</i></span> +</div> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image26.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="What to Avoid in Crests" /> +<span class="caption"><i>Crests or other armorial bearings on notepaper are no +longer considered absolutely necessary to establish one’s social +position. Nevertheless, if one feels that note-paper that does not bear the +family escutcheon is not quite all that note-paper should be, it is permissible +to have it stamped neatly at the top of the first sheet. Care should be +exercised to avoid selecting coats-of-arms that might be recognized, such as +that of the United States or Great Britain. Rather solicit the taste of a good +stationer than commit the blunders depicted above.</i></span> +</div> + + <h3> + BOXING IN AMERICAN SOCIETY + </h3> + <p> + Although many of America’s foremost boxers have been persons whom one + would not care to know socially, yet much fun and pleasure can be had out + of the “manly art” if practised in a gentlemanly manner. + </p> + <p> + “Boxing parties” are generally held in the evening. The ballroom of one’s + home can be pleasantly decorated for the occasion, with a square ring + roped off in the centre surrounded by seats for the ladies and gentlemen + who come as invited guests. Evening dress is usually worn. + </p> + <p> + The contests should be between various members of one’s social “set” who + are fond of the sport and can be counted on to remember at all times that + they are gentlemen. + </p> + <p> + The matches should be arranged in tournament form, so that the winner of + one bout meets the winner of the next bout, et cetera, until all but two + have been eliminated. The boxer who wins this final contest shall be + proclaimed the “champion.” + </p> + <p> + Great fun can then be had by announcing that the “champion” will be + permitted to box three rounds with a “masked marvel.” The identity of this + “unknown” (who is usually Jack Dempsey or some other noted professional + pugilist) should be kept carefully secret, so that all the guests are in a + glow of mystified excitement when the contest begins, and you can imagine + their delight and happy enthusiasm when the “masked marvel” cleverly + knocks the “champion” for a double loop through the ropes into the lap of + some tittering “dowager.” + </p> + <p> + Refreshments should then be served and the “champion” can be carried home + in a car or ambulance provided by the thoughtful host. + </p> + <h3> + BRIDGE WHIST + </h3> + <p> + “Bridge whist,” or “Bridge,” as it is often called by the younger + generation, is rapidly replacing whist as the favorite card game of good + society, and “bridge” parties are much <i>en vogue</i> for both afternoon and + evening entertainments. In order to become an expert “bridge” player one + must, of course, spend many months and even years in a study of the game, + but any gentleman or lady of average intelligence can, I believe, pick up + the fundamentals of “bridge” in a short while. + </p> + <p> + Let us suppose, for example, that you, as a “young man about town,” are + invited to play “bridge” on the evening of Friday, November seventeenth, + at the home of Mrs. Franklin Gregory. Now, although you may have played + the game only once or twice in your life, it would never do to admit the + fact, for in good society one is supposed to play “bridge” just as one is + supposed to hate newspaper publicity, and on the evening of Friday, + November seventeenth, you should present yourself in suitable attire at + Mrs. Gregory’s home. + </p> + <p> + There you will find fifteen or twenty other guests, and after a few + minutes of light social banter a bell will ring and the players will take + their places. At your table will be Mrs. F. Jamison Dollings (your + partner) and Mr. and Mrs. Theodore Watts. Mrs. Dollings (Sept. 6, 1880) is + considered one of the most expert “bridge” players in the city, while Mr. + Watts has one of the largest retail clothing stores in the central part of + the State. Mrs. Watts was one of the Van Cortlandt girls (the plain one). + </p> + <p> + As you are probably (next to Mr. and Mrs. Watts) the worst “bridge” player + in the room it should be your duty to make up for this deficiency by + keeping the other three players conversationally stimulated, for nothing + so enlivens a game of “bridge” as a young man or woman with a pleasing + personality and a gift for “small talk.” Thus, at the very beginning, + after you have finished dealing the cards, you should fill in what seems + to you an embarrassing pause by telling one of your cleverest stories, at + the conclusion of which Mrs. Dollings will remark, “We are waiting for + your bid, Mr. S——.” + </p> + <p> + The etiquette of “bidding,” as far as you are concerned, should resolve + itself into a consistent effort on your part to become “dummy” for each + and every game. The minute your partner (Mrs. Dollings) bids anything, it + should be your duty as a gentleman to see that she gets it, no matter what + the cost. + </p> + <p> + Thus, on the first hand, you “pass.” Mr. Watts then says, “Wait a minute, + till I get these cards fixed”; to which Mrs. Watts replies, “Theodore, for + Heaven’s sake, how long do you want?” Mr. Watts then says, “Which is + higher—clubs or hearts?” to which Mrs. Watts replies, “Clubs.” Mrs. + Dollings then says, “I beg your pardon, but hearts have always been + considered higher than clubs.” Mrs. Watts says, “Oh, yes, of course,” and + gives Mr. Watts a mean look. Mr. Watts then says, “I bid—let’s see—I + bid two spades—no, two diamonds.” Mrs. Dollings quickly says, “Two + lilies,” Mr. Watts says, “What’s a lily?” to which Mrs. Watts replies, + “Theodore!” and then bids “Two spades,” at which Mrs. Dollings says, “I + beg your pardon, but I have just bid two spades.” Mr. Watts then chuckles, + and Mrs. Watts says (but not to Mr. Watts), “I beg your pardon.” Mrs. + Watts then bids “Three spades,” at which you quickly say, “Four spades.” + </p> + <p> + This bid is not “raised.” Mrs. Dollings then says to you, “I am counting + on your spades to help me out,” at which you look at the only spade in + your hand (the three) and answer, “Ha! Ha! Ha!” There is then a wait of + four minutes, at the end of which Mrs. Dollings wearily says, “It is your + first lead, is it not, Mrs. Watts?” Mrs. Watts then blushes, says, “Oh, I + beg your pardon!” and leads the four of hearts. You then lay down your + “dummy” hand. Before Mrs. Dollings has had time to discover just what you + have done to her, you should rise quickly and say, “Excuse me, but I want + to use the telephone a minute.” You should then go into the next room and + wait ten or fifteen minutes. When you return Mrs. Dollings will have + disappeared, Mrs. Watts will be looking fixedly at Mr. Watts, and Mr. + Watts will be saying, “Well, it’s a silly game, anyway.” + </p> + <p> + You and Mr. and Mrs. Watts can then have a nice game of twenty-five cent + limit stud poker for the rest of the evening, and it would certainly be + considered a thoughtful and gracious “gesture” if, during the next two or + three weeks, you should call occasionally at the hospital to see how Mrs. + Dollings is “getting on,” or you might even send some flowers or a nice + potted plant. + </p> + <h3> + FORMAL AND INFORMAL DRINKING + </h3> + <p> + “Drinking” has, of course, always been a popular sport among the members + of the better classes of society, but never has the enthusiasm for this + pastime been so great in America as since the advent of “prohibition.” + Gentlemen and ladies who never before cared much for “drinking” have now + given up almost all other amusements in favor of this fascinating sport; + young men and debutantes have become, in the last few years, fully as + expert in the game as their parents. In many cities “drinking” has become + more popular than “bridge” or dancing and it is predicted that, with a few + more years of “prohibition,” “drinking” will supersede golf and baseball + as the great American pastime. + </p> + <p> + The effect of this has been to change radically many of the fundamental + rules of the sport, and the influence on the etiquette of the game has + been no less marked. What was considered “good form” in this pastime among + our forefathers now decidedly <i>démodé</i>, and the correct drinker of 1910 is + as obsolete and out of date in the present decade as the “frock-coat.” + </p> + <p> + The game today is divided into (a) formal and (b) informal drinking. + “Formal drinking” is usually played after dinner and is more and more + coming to take the place of charades, sleight-of-hand performances, magic + lantern shows, “dumb crambo,” et cetera, as the parlor amusement <i>par + excellence</i>. “Formal drinking” can be played by from one to fifteen people + in a house of ordinary dimensions; for a larger number it is generally + better to provide a garage, a large yard, and special police, fire and + plate glass insurance. The game is played with glasses, ice, and a dozen + bottles of either whisky or gin. + </p> + <p> + The sport is begun by the host’s wife, who says, “How would you all like + to play a little bridge?” This is followed by silence. Another wife then + says, “I think it would be awfully nice to play a little bridge.” One of + the men players then steps forward and says “I think it would be awfully + nice to have a little drink.” + </p> + <p> + An “It” is then selected—always, by courtesy, the host. The “It” + then says, “How would you all like to have a little drink?” The men + players then answer in the affirmative and the “It’s” wife says, “Now + Henry dear, please—remember what happened last time.” The “It” + replies, “Yes, dear,” and goes into the cellar, while the “It’s” wife, + after providing each guest with a glass, puts away the Dresden china + clock, the porcelain parrot. and the gold fish globe. + </p> + <p> + Sides are chosen—usually with the husbands on one “team” and the + wives on the other. The purpose of the game is for the “husbands’, team” + to try to drink up all the “It’s” liquor before the “wives’ team” can get + them to go home. + </p> + <p> + When the “It” returns with the liquor he pours out a portion for each + player and at a given signal all drink steadily for several minutes. The + “It’s” wife then says, “Now—how about a few rubbers of bridge?” She + is immediately elected “team captain” for the rest of the evening. It is + the duty of the “team captain” to provide cracked ice and water, to get + ready the two spare bedrooms, to hold Wallie Spencer’s hand, to keep Eddie + Armstrong from putting his lighted cigaret ends on the piano, and to break + up the party as soon as possible. The game generally ends when (1) the + liquor is all gone, (2) the “It” (or three guests) have passed “out,” (3) + Wallie Spencer starts telling about his war experiences. “Informal” + drinking needs, of course, no such elaborate preparations and can be + played anywhere and any time there is anything to drink. The person who is + caught with the liquor is “It,” and the object of the game is to take all + the liquor away from the “It” as soon as possible. In order to avoid being + “It,” many players sometimes resort to various low subterfuges, such as + sneaking down alone to the club locker-room during a dance, but this + practise is generally looked upon with great disfavor—especially by + that increasingly large group of citizens who are unselfishly devoting + their lives to the cause of a “dry America” by consuming all of the + present rapidly diminishing visible supply. + </p> + <h3> + A JOLLY HALLOWE’EN PARTY + </h3> + <p> + The problem of providing suitable entertainment for one’s informal parties + is something which has perplexed many a host and hostess in recent years. + How often has it happened that just when you had gotten your guests nicely + seated around the parlor listening to the Caruso record, some ill-mannered + fellow would remark, “Oh, Lord—let’s go over to the Tom Phillips’ + and get something to drink.” How many times in the past have you prepared + original little “get-together” games, such as Carol Kennicott did in <i>Main + Street</i>, only to find that, when you again turned the lights on, half the + company had disappeared for the evening. + </p> + <p> + Of course we cannot all be as startlingly clever as Carol, but Hallowe’en, + which comes this year on October 31st, offers a splendid opportunity for + originality and “peppy” fun. The following suggestions are presented to + ambitious hostesses with the absolute guaranty that no matter what other + reactions her guests may have, they will certainly not be bored. + </p> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image27.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Care Should Be Exercised in the Choice of Post-Cards" /> +<span class="caption"><i>Few people realize the value of picture post-cards as +indicators of the birth, breeding, and character of the sender, yet nothing so +definitely “places” a person socially as his choice of these +souvenirs. Could you have selected the senders of the above cards?</i></span> +</div> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image28.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Cards Concealed about the Person Betray the Boor" /> +<span class="caption"><i>In spite of his haughty airs and fine clothes, the +gentleman betrays that he is not much accustomed to good society when, having +been asked by his hostess if he would care to remove his coat and waistcoat +during the warm evening of bridge, he, in doing so, reveals the presence of +several useful cards hidden about his person. This sort of thing, while often +tolerated at less formal “stag” poker-parties, is seldom, ever, +permissible when ladies are present. The young man was simply ignorant of the +fact that Hoyle and not Herman the Great is the generally accepted authority on +cards in the “beau monde.”</i></span> +</div> + + <h3> + INVITATIONS + </h3> + <p> + The whole spirit of Hallowe’en is, of course, one of “spooky” gayety and + light-hearted ghastliness. Witches and ghosts run riot; corpses dance and + black cats howl. “More work for the undertaker” should be the leitmotif of + the evening’s fun. + </p> + <p> + The moribund spirit can be delightfully observed, first of all, in the + preparation of the invitations. I know of one hostess, for instance, who + gained a great reputation for originality by enclosing a dead fish with + each bidding to the evening’s gayeties. It is, of course, not at all + necessary to follow her example to the letter; the enclosure of anything + dead will suffice, providing, of course, that it is not TOO dead. There is + such a thing as carrying a joke beyond the limits of propriety, and the + canons of good taste should always be respectfully observed. + </p> + <p> + Another amusing way of preparing invitations is to cut out colored paper + in the shape of cats, witches, etc., upon which appropriate verses are + inscribed. Such as: + </p> +<p class="poem"> + “Next Monday night is Hallowe’en,<br/> + You big stiff.”<br/> + or<br/> + “On Monday next comes All-Hallows-Even,<br/> + My grandmother’s maiden name was Stephens.”<br/> + or<br/> + “On Hallowe’en you may see a witch<br/> + If you don’t look out, you funny fellow.”<br/> + or<br/> + “Harry and I are giving a Hallowe’en party;<br/> + Harry says you owe him four dollars; please be prompt.<br/> + or<br/> + “Monday night the ghosts do dance;<br/> + Why didn’t you enlist and go to France,<br/> + You slacker?” +</p> + <p> + Another novel invitation is made by cutting a piece of yellow paper + thirteen inches long and four inches wide, and writing on each inch one of + the lines given below. Then begin at the bottom and fold the paper up, + inch by inch. Fasten the last turn down with a “spooky” gummed sticker, + and slip into a small envelope. When the recipient unfolds the invitation, + he will be surprised to read the following: + </p> +<p class="poem"> + Now what on earth<br/> + do you suppose<br/> + is in this<br/> + little folder<br/> + keep turning<br/> + ha ha ha<br/> + further<br/> + ha ha ha<br/> + further<br/> + ha ha ha,<br/> + further<br/> + ha ha ha<br/> + further +</p> + <p> + It would perhaps be best to telephone the next day to those guests whom + you really want, and give them further details as to the date and time of + the party. Additional fun can be gotten out of this invitation by failing + to put postage stamps on the envelopes when you mail them; the two cents + which each guest will have to pay for postage due can be returned in a + novel manner on the night of the party by inserting them in sandwiches or + stuffed tomatoes. + </p> + <p> + For those who may wish to send out more elaborate invitations, the + following distinctly original plan is suggested: Procure a number of small + alarm clocks and a quantity of nitroglycerine or other high explosive. + Insert in each clock a small amount of the nitroglycerine, being careful + not to put too much; a quantity sufficient to wreck a room 20 X 30 Will + generally suffice. Then arrange the alarm mechanism so that the explosion + will occur at 12 midnight. Attach to the clock a card, neatly decorated + with witches, goblins, etc., on which is written + </p> +<p class="poem"> + “Midnight is the mystic hour<br/> + Of yawning graves and coffins dour.<br/> + Beneath your bed this clock please hide<br/> + And when it strikes—you’ll be surprised.” +</p> + <p> + These clocks should then be delivered in the afternoon to those of the + guests whom you are merely inviting because they are your husband’s + business associates, or because they were nice to your mother when she did + her own work. Later on, in order to avoid hard feelings on the part of + relatives and friends of the deceased, it might be well to explain to them + that you sent the clocks only in the spirit of Hallowe’en fun; it might + even help to invite them to one of your next parties. + </p> + <h3> + RECEIVING THE GUESTS + </h3> + <p> + On Hallowe’en night great care should be taken in the preparations for + receiving the guests in a mystic manner; no pains should be spared in the + effort to start the evening off with a “bang.” + </p> + <p> + Several novel ideas are offered for starting the guests off on the right + informal spirit. Before they arrive, it is a good plan to take the street + number off your house and fasten it to the porch of your next door + neighbors, who will, of course, be at home because they are perfectly + impossible people whom no one would invite anywhere. Extinguish all the + lights in your own house; your neighbor, as he comes downstairs + twenty-five or thirty times in the next hour, will obligingly tell your + bewildered friends specifically where to go. + </p> + <p> + When the guest finally learns from the neighborhood policeman which house + on the block is really yours he will discover on your door a sign reading: + </p> +<p class="poem"> + “If you would be my Valentine,<br/> + Follow please the bright green line.” +</p> + <p> + Leading from the door is a green cord which the mystified guest proceeds + to follow, according to directions. This cord should guide the way to the + coal cellar of your other neighbor who has recently purchased an automatic + revolver under the delusion that burglars are operating in the + neighborhood. As your bewildered guest gropes his way about the cellar, it + is quite likely that he will be shot at several times and by the time he + emerges (if he does emerge) he will be quite delightfully full of the + informal spirit of Hallowe’en and ready for anything. + </p> + <h3> + HOW TO MYSTIFY + </h3> + <p> + At this point, your wife, dressed as a witch, should unexpectedly rush out + at him; there is always the delightful possibility that he will pick up a + convenient rock and brain her on the spot—an event which often adds + an unexpected touch of gayety to the evening’s fun. If, however, no such + event occurs, the guest should be blindfolded and led into the house. Once + inside he is conducted upstairs to the attic, where he will find three or + four earlier arrivals also blindfolded. + </p> + <p> + The hands and feet of these four are then securely tied and they are told + that they are to be left there all evening. This is really a great joke, + because they do not, of course, at the time, believe what you say, and + when you come up to untie them the next morning, their shame-faced + discomposure is truly laughable. + </p> + <p> + The green-cord-into-neighbor’s-coal-cellar joke can be cleverly varied by + taking the lid off your cistern and making the green line lead in that + direction. Great care should be taken, however, to keep an exact account + of the number of guests who succumb to this trick, for although an + unexpected “ducking” is excruciatingly humorous, drowning often results + fatally. + </p> + <p> + Great fun can be added to the evening’s entertainment by dressing several + of the guests as ghosts, witches, corpses, etc; these costumes can be + quite simply and economically made in the home, or can be procured from + some reliable department store. + </p> + <p> + An “old-fashioned” witch’s costume consists of a union suit (Munsing or + any other standard brand), corset, brassiere, chemise, underpetticoat, + overpetticoat, long black skirt, long black stockings, shoes, black waist + and shawl, with a pointed witch’s hat and a broomstick. The “modern” + witch’s costume is much simpler and inexpensive in many details. + </p> + <p> + A particularly novel and “hair raising” effect may be produced by painting + the entire body of one of the male guests with phosphorus. As this glowing + nude stalks uncannily through the darkened rooms you may easily imagine + the ghastly effect—especially upon his wife. + </p> + <h3> + GAMES + </h3> + <p> + After the guests have sufficiently amused themselves with the ghosts and + witches it will be time to commence some of the many games which are + always associated with Hallowe’en. “Bobbing for apples” is, of course, the + most common of these games and great sport it is, too, to watch the + awkward efforts of the guests as they try to pick up with their teeth the + apples floating in a large tub. I know of one hostess who added greatly to + the evening’s fun by pouring twelve quarts of gin into the tub; the effect + on the bobbers was, of course, extremely comical, except for the + unfortunate conduct of two gentlemen, one of whom went to sleep in the + tub, the other so far forgetting himself as playfully to throw all the + floating fruit at the hostess’ pet Pomeranian. + </p> + <p> + Most Hallowe’en games concern themselves with delving into the future in + the hopes that one may there discover one’s husband or bride-to-be. In one + of these games the men stand at one end of the room, facing the girls, + with their hands behind their backs and eyes tightly closed. The girls are + blindfolded and one by one they are led to within six feet of the + expectant men and given a soft pin cushion which they hurl forward. The + tradition is that whichever man the girl hits, him will she marry. Great + fun can be added to the game by occasionally substituting a rock or iron + dumb-bell in place of the romantic pin cushion. + </p> + <p> + Another game based on a delightful old Hallowe’en tradition is as follows: + A girl is given a lighted candle and told to walk upstairs into the room + at the end of the hall where, by looking in a mirror, she will see her + future husband. Have it arranged so that you are concealed alone in the + room. When the girl arrives, look over her shoulder into the mirror. She + had better go downstairs after ten minutes, though, so that another girl + can come up. This tradition dates from before William the Conqueror. + </p> + <p> + No Hallowe’en is complete, of course, without fortune telling. Dress + yourself as a wizard and have the guests led in one by one to hear their + fortune told. Hanging in front of you should be a caldron, from which you + extract the slip of paper containing the particular fortune. These slips + of paper should be prepared beforehand. The following are suggested: + </p> + <p> + “You will meet a well dressed, good looking man who understands you better + than your husband. How about Thursday at the Plaza?” + </p> + <p> + “You are about to receive a shipment of Scotch whisky that you ordered + last month. And it’s about time you kicked across with some of your own.” + </p> + <p> + “You will have much trouble in your life if you lie about your golf score + as you did last Sunday on Number 12.” + </p> + <p> + Still another pleasing Hallowe’en game, based on the revelation of one’s + matrimonial future, is played as follows: Seven lighted candles are placed + in a row on a table. The men are then blindfolded, whirled around three + times and commanded to blow out the candles. The number extinguished at a + blow tells the number of years before they meet their bride. This game + only grows interesting, of course, when some old goat with long whiskers + can be induced to take a blind shot at blowing out the candles. Have + Pyrene convenient—but not too convenient to spoil the fun. + </p> + <p> + For the older members of the party, the host should provide various games + of cards and dice. In keeping with the ghastly spirit of the occasion, it + would be well to have the dice carefully loaded. Many hosts have thus been + able to make all expenses and often a handsome profit out of the evening’s + entertainment. + </p> + <p> + If the crap game goes particularly well, many hosts do not hesitate to + provide elaborate refreshments for the guests. Here, too, the spirit of + fun and jollity should prevail, and great merriment is always provoked by + the ludicrous expression of the guest who has broken two teeth on the + cast-iron olive. Other delightful surprises should be arranged, and a + little Sloan’s liniment in the punch or ground glass in the ice cream will + go a long way toward making the supper amusing. And finally, when the + guests are ready to depart and just before they discover that you have cut + cute little black cats and witches out of the backs of their evening wraps + and over coats, it would perhaps be well to run up stairs and lock + yourself securely in your room. + </p> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2><a name="chap08"></a>CHAPTER EIGHT:<br/>CORRESPONDENCE AND INVITATIONS</h2> + + <h3> + CORRESPONDENCE + </h3> + <p> + It is narrated of a well-known English lady (who is noted on the other + side of the Atlantic for the sharpness of her wit) that on one occasion, + when a vainglorious American was boasting of his country’s prowess in + digging the Panama Canal, she calmly waited until he had finished and then + replied, with an indescribable smile, “Ah—but you Americans do not + know how to write letters.” Needless to say the discomfited young man took + himself off at the earliest opportunity. + </p> + <p> + There is much truth, alas, in the English lady’s clever retort, for the + automatic typewriter, the telegraph, and the penny postal card have done + much to cause a gradual decline in the gentle art of correspondence. As + one American woman recently remarked to a visitor (with more wit, however, + than good taste), “Yes, we do have correspondents here—but they are + all in the divorce courts.” + </p> + <h3> + CORRESPONDENCE FOR YOUNG LADIES + </h3> + <p> + There are certain rules in regard to correct letter-writing which must be + followed by all who would “take their pen in hand.” Young people are the + most apt to offend in this respect against the accepted canons of good + taste and it is to these that I would first address the contents of this + chapter. A young girl often lets her high spirits run away with her <i>amour + propre</i>, with the result that her letters, especially those addressed to + strangers, are often lacking in that dignity which is the <i>sine qua non</i> of + correct correspondence. + </p> + <p> + Consider, for example, the following two letters composed by Miss Florence + ......, a debutante of New York City, who is writing to a taxidermist + thanking him for his neat work in having recently stuffed her deceased pet + Alice. The first of these letters illustrates the evil to which I have + just referred, viz., the complete absence of proper dignity. The second, + written with the aid of her mama, whose experience in social affairs has + been considerable, shows the correct method of corresponding with + comparative strangers. + </p> + <h3> + An Incorrect Letter from a Débutante to a Taxidermist Thanking Him for + Having Stuffed Her Pet Alice + </h3> +<p class="letter"> + DEAR MR. Epps:<br/> +<br/> + Aren’t you an old <i>peach</i> to have gone and stuffed Alice so + prettily! Really, Mr. Epps, I never saw such a knockout piece of + taxidermy, even in Europe, and I simply adore it. Mother gave a + dinner party last night and <i>everybody</i> was just wild about it and + wanted to know who had done it. How on <i>earth</i> did you manage to + get the wings to stay like that? And the eyes are just too + priceless for words. Honestly, every time I look at it, it’s so + <i>darned</i> natural that I can’t believe Alice is really dead. I guess + you must be pretty dog-goned crazy about birds yourself to have + done such a lovely job on Alice, and I guess you know how + perfectly sick I was over her death. Honestly, Mr. Epps, she was + such a <i>peach</i> of an owl. But I suppose it had to be, and anyway, + thanks just heaps for having done such a really perfectly + gorgeous bit of taxidermy.<br/> + </p> +<p class="right"> + Gratefully,<br/> + FLORENCE CHASE.<br/> + <i>593 Fifth Avenue,<br/> + New York City.</i> +</p> + <p> + The above is, you observe, quite lacking in that reserve with which young + ladies should always treat strange gentlemen and especially those who are + not in their own social “set.” Slang may be excusable in shop girls or + baseball players, but never in the mouth of a young lady with any + pretensions to breeding. And the use of “darned” and “dog-goned” is simply + unpardonable. Notice, now, the way in which Miss Florence writes the + letter after, her mama has given her the proper instruction. + </p> + <h3> + A Correct Letter from a Débutante to a Taxidermist Thanking Him for Having + Stuffed Her Pet Alice + </h3> +<p class="letter"> + Mr. Lloyd Epps, Taxidermist,<br/> + New York City.<br/> + DEAR SIR:<br/> +<br/> + It is with sincere pleasure that I take my pen in hand to + compliment you upon the successful manner in which you have + rendered your services as taxidermist upon my late owl Alice. + Death in the animal kingdom is all too often regarded with an + unbecoming levity or, at least, a careless lack of sympathetic + appreciation, and it is with genuine feelings of gratitude that I + pen these lines upon the occasion of the receipt of the sample of + the excellent manner in which you have performed your task. Of + the same opinion is my father, a vice-president of the Guaranty + Trust Co., and himself a taxidermist of no inconsiderable merit, + who joins me in expressing to you our most grateful appreciation.<br/> +</p> +<p class="right"> + Sincerely yours,<br/> + FLORENCE ELIOT CHASE.<br/> + <i>December</i> 11, 1922. +</p> + +<div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> +<img src="images/image29.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="It Is Not the Custom to Comment on the Quantity of Soup Consumed by a Guest" /> +<span class="caption"><i>The young man is leaving the home of his host in +“high dudgeon.” He is of the type rather slangily known among the +members of our younger set as “finale hopper” which means, in the +“King’s English,” one who is very fond of dancing. His +indignation is well founded, since it is not the custom among members of the +socially elite to comment in the presence of the guest on either the quantity +of soup consumed or the method of consumption adopted. These things should be +left for the privacy of the boudoir or smoking den where they will afford much +innocent amusement. Nor is the host mending matters by his kindly meant but +perhaps tactless offer of a nickel for carfare.</i></span> +</div> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image30.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="False Teeth Should Remain in the Mouth throughout any Given Dinner" /> +<span class="caption"><i>The gentleman with the excellent teeth has just been +guilty of a gross social error. Wrongly supposing that the secret of popularity +lies in a helpful spirit and having discovered that the son of his hostess is +about to enter a dental school, he has removed the excellent teeth (false) from +his mouth and passed them around for inspection. The fact that the teeth are of +the latest mode does not in any way condone the breach. Leniency in such +matters is not recommended. “Facilis descensus Averni” as one of +the great poets of the Middle Ages so aptly put it.</i></span> +</div> + + <h3> + COLLEGE BOYS + </h3> + <p> + It is the tendency of the age to excuse many social errors in young + people, and especially is this true of the mischievous pranks of college + boys. If Harvard football heroes and their “rooters,” for example, wish to + let their hair grow long and wear high turtle-necked red “sweaters,” + corduroy trousers and huge “frat” pins, I, for one, can see no grave + objection, for “boys will be boys” and I am, I hope, no “old fogy” in such + matters. But I also see no reason why these same young fellows should not + be interested in the graces of the salon and the arts of the drawing-room. + Consider, for example, the following two letters, illustrating the correct + and incorrect method in which two young college men should correspond, and + tell me if there is not some place in our college curriculum for a + Professor of Deportment: + </p> + <h3> + An Incorrect Letter from a Princeton Student to a Yale Student + Congratulating the Latter on His Football Victory + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + DEAR MIKE: + + Here’s your damn money. I was a fool to give you odds. + ED. + P. S. What happened at the Nass? I woke up Sunday with a terrific + welt on my forehead and somebody’s hat with the initials L. G. + T., also a Brooks coat. Do you know whose they are? P. P. S. + Please for God’s sake don’t cash this check until the fifteenth + or I’m ruined. +</pre> + <p> + And here is the way in which I would suggest that this same letter be + indited. + </p> + <h3> + A Correct Letter from a Princeton Student to a Yale Student Congratulating + the Latter on His Football Victory + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + MY DEAR “FRIENDLY ENEMY”: + + Well, well, it was a jolly game, wasn’t it, and it was so good to + see you in “Old Nassau.” I am sorry that you could not have come + earlier in the fall, when the trees were still bronze and gold. I + also regret exceedingly that you did not stay over until Sunday, + for it would have been such a treat to have taken you to see the + Graduate School buildings and the Cleveland Memorial Tower. + However, “better luck next time.” + + The enclosed check is, as you may well guess, in payment of our + wager on the result of the gridiron-contest. Truly, I am almost + glad that I lost, for I can not but think that gambling in any + form is at best an unprofitable diversion, and this has taught + me, I hope, a lesson from which I may well benefit. Do not think + me a “prig,” dear Harry, I beg of you, for I am sure that you + will agree with me that even a seemingly innocent wager on a + football match may lead in later life to a taste for gambling + with dice and cards or even worse. Shall we not agree to make + this our last wager—or at least, next time, let us not lend it + the appearance of professional gambling by giving “odds,” such as + I gave you this year. + + You must have thought it frightfully rude of me not to have seen + you to the train after that enjoyable evening at the Nassau Inn, + but to tell you the truth, Harry, the nervous excitement of the + day proved too much for me and I was forced to retire. My + indisposition was further accentuated by a slight mishap which + befell me outside the Inn but which need cause you no alarm as a + scalp wound was the only result and a few days’ rest in my cozy + dormitory room will soon set matters to rights. I trust, however, + that you will explain to your friends the cause of my sudden + departure and my seeming inhospitality. Such jolly fellows they + were—and I am only too glad to find that the “bulldogs” are as + thoroughly nice as the chaps we have down here. Incidentally, I + discovered, somewhat to my dismay, as you may well imagine, that + in taking my departure I inadvertently “walked off” with the hat + and overcoat of one of your friends whose initials are L. G. T. I + am mortified beyond words and shall send the garments to you by + the next post with my deepest apologies to the unlucky owner. + + Rest assured, Harry my friend, that I am looking forward to + visiting you some time in the near future, for I have always been + curious to observe the many interesting sights of “Eli land.” + Particularly anxious am I to see the beautiful trees which have + given New Haven its name of “the City of Elms,” and the + collection of primitive paintings for which your college is + justly celebrated. And in closing may I make the slight request + that you postpone the cashing of my enclosed check until the + fifteenth of this month, as, due to some slight misunderstanding, + I find that my account is in the unfortunate condition of being + “overdrawn.” + + Believe me, Harry, with kindest regards to your nice friends and + yourself and with congratulations on the well deserved victory of + your “eleven,” + Your devoted friend and well wisher, + EDWARD ELLIS COCHRAN. +</pre> + <h3> + LETTERS TO PARENTS + </h3> + <p> + Of course, when young people write to the members of their immediate + family, it is not necessary that they employ such reserve as in + correspondence with friends. The following letter well illustrates the + change in tone which is permissible in such intimate correspondence: + </p> + <h3> + A Correct Letter from a Young Lady in Boarding School to Her Parents + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + DEAR MOTHER: + + Of course I am terribly glad that you and father are thinking of + coming to visit me here at school next week, but don’t you think + it would be better if, instead of your coming all the way up + here, I should come down and stay with you in New York? The + railroad trip up here will be very hard on you, as the trains are + usually late and the porters and conductors are notorious for + their gruffness and it is awfully hard to get parlor-car seats + and you know what sitting in a day-coach means. I should love to + have you come only I wouldn’t want you or father to get some + terrible sickness on the train and last month there were at least + three wrecks on that road, with many fatalities, and when you get + here the accommodations aren’t very good for outsiders, many of + the guests having been severely poisoned only last year by eating + ripe olives and the beds, they say, are extremely hard. Don’t you + really think it would be ever so much nicer if you and father + stayed in some comfortable hotel in New York with all the + conveniences in the world and there are some wonderful things at + the theaters which you really ought to see. I could probably get + permission from Miss Spencer to come and visit you over Saturday + and Sunday if you are stopping at one of the five hotels on her + “permitted” list. + + However, if you do decide to come here, perhaps it would be + better to leave father in New York because I know he wouldn’t + like it at all with nothing but women and girls around and I am + sure that he couldn’t get his glass of hot water in the morning + before breakfast and he would have a much better time in New + York. But if he does come please mother don’t let him wear that + old gray hat or that brown suit, and mother couldn’t you get him + to get some gloves and a cane in New York before he comes? And + please, mother dear, make him put those “stogies” of his in an + inside pocket and would you mind, mother, not wearing that brooch + father’s employees gave you last Christmas? + + I shall be awfully glad to see you both but as I say it would be + better if you let me come to New York where you and father will + be ever so much more comfortable. + Your loving daughter, + JEANNETTE. +</pre> + <h3> + LETTERS FROM PARENTS + </h3> + <p> + THE same familiarity may be observed by parents when corresponding with + their children, with, of course, the addition of a certain amount of + dignity commensurate with the fact that they are, as it were, <i>in loco + parentis</i>. The following example will no doubt be of aid to parents in + correctly corresponding with their children: + </p> + <h3> + A Correct Letter from a Mother to Her Son Congratulating Him on His + Election to the Presidency of the United States + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + DEAR FREDERICK: + + I am very glad that you have been elected President of the United + States, Frederick, and I hope that now you will have sense enough + to see Dr. Kincaid about your teeth. It would be well to have him + give you a thorough looking over at this time. And Mrs. Peasely + has given me the name of a splendid throat specialist in New York + whom I wish you would see as soon as possible, for it has been + almost a year since you went to Dr. Ryan. Are you getting good + wholesome food? Mrs. Dennison stopped in this morning and she + told me that Washington is very damp in the spring and I think + you had better get a new overcoat—a heavy warm one. She also + told me the name of a place where you can buy real woolen socks + and pajamas. I hope that you aren’t going to be so foolish as to + wear those short B. V. D.’s all winter because now that you are + president you must take care of yourself, Edward dear. Are you + keeping up those exercises in the morning? I found those + dumb-bells of yours in the attic yesterday and will send them on + to you if you wish. And, dear, please keep your throat covered + when you go out—Mrs. Kennedy says that the subways are always + cold and full of draughts. I saw a picture of you at the “movies” + the other evening and you were making a speech in the rain + without a hat or rubbers. Your uncle Frederick was just such a + fool as you are about wearing rubbers and he almost died of + pneumonia the winter we moved to Jefferson Avenue. Be sure and + let me know what Dr. Kincaid says and tell him <i>everything</i>. + Your <i>loving</i> mother. + P. S. What direction does your window face? +</pre> + <h3> + LETTERS TO PROSPECTIVE FATHERS-IN-LAW + </h3> + <p> + A young man desiring to marry a young girl does not, in polite society, + “pop the question” to her by mail, unless she happens, at the time, to be + out of the city or otherwise unable to “receive.” It is often advisable, + however, after she has said “yes,” to write a letter to her father instead + of calling on him to ask for his permission to the match, as a personal + interview is often apt to result unsatisfactorily. In writing these + letters to prospective fathers-in-law, the cardinal point is, of course, + the creation by the young man of a good impression in the mind of the + father, and for this purpose he should study to make his letter one which + will appeal irresistibly to the older gentleman’s habits and tastes. + </p> + <p> + Thus, in writing to a father who is above everything else a “business + man,” the following form is suggested: + </p> + <h3> + A Correct Letter to a Prospective Father-in-Law Who Is a Business Man + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + My letter, + 10-6-22 + Your letter, + In reply please refer to: ———— + File—Love—personal— + N. Y.—1922 + No. G, 16 19 + Mr. Harrison Williams, + Vice-Pres. Kinnear-Williams Mfg. Co., + Buffalo, N. Y. + + DEAR SIR: + + Confirming verbal message of even date re: being in love with + your daughter, this is to advise that I am in love with your + daughter. Any favorable action which you would care to take in + this matter would be greatly appreciated. + Yours truly, + EDWARD FISH. + Copy to your Daughter per E. F. + “ “ “ Wife + EF/F +</pre> + <p> + Or, should the girl’s father be prominent in the advertising business, the + following would probably create a favorable impression, especially if + printed on a blotter or other useful article: + </p> + <h3> + A Correct Letter to a Prospective Father-in-Law Who Is in the Advertising + Business + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + JUST A MOMENT! + + Have you ever stopped to consider the problem of grandchildren? + + Do you know, for example, that ONLY 58% of the fathers in America + are GRANDFATHERS? + + Did it ever occur to you that only 39% of the grandfathers in + America EVER HAVE GRANDCHILDREN? + + Honestly, now, don’t there come moments, after the day’s work is + done and you are sitting in your slippers before the fire, when + you would give any thing in the world for a soft little voice to + call you GRANDPA? + + <i>Be fair to your daughter + Give her a College educated husband!</i> + COMPLIMENTS OF EDWARD FISH +</pre> + <p> + Perhaps, if the old gentleman is employed in the Credit Department of + Brooks Brothers, Frank Brothers, or any one of the better class stores, + the following might prove effective: + </p> + <p> + A Correct Letter to a Prospective Father-in-Law Who Is Employed in a + Credit Department + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + MY DEAR MR. ROBERTS: 10-6-22 + + I am writing you in regard to a little matter of matrimony which + no doubt you have overlooked in the press of business elsewhere. + This is not to be considered as a “dun” but merely as a gentle + reminder of the fact that it would be extremely agreeable if you + could see fit to let me marry your daughter before the first of + next month. I feel sure that you will give this matter your + immediate attention. + Yours truly, + ED. FISH. + + 11-2-22 + DEAR MR. ROBERTS: + + As you have not as yet replied to my communication of 10-6-22 + regarding marriage to your daughter, I presume that you were not + at the time disposed to take care of the matter to which I + referred. I feel sure that upon consideration you will agree that + my terms are exceedingly liberal and I must therefore request + that you let me have some word from you before the first of next + month. + Yours truly, + EDWARD FISH. + + (Registered Mail) 12-2-22 + DEAR SIR: + + You have not as yet replied to my communication of 10-6-22 and + 11-2-22. I should regret exceedingly being forced to place this + matter in the hands of my attorneys, Messrs. Goldstein and + Nusselmann, 41 City Nat’l Bank Bldg. + E. FISH. +</pre> + <p> + Of course, it would never do to carry this series to its conclusion and if + no reply is received to this last letter it might be well to call on the + gentleman in his place of business—or, possibly, it might even be + better to call off the engagement. “None but the brave deserve the fair”—but + there is also a line in one of Byron’s poems which goes, I believe, “Here + sleep the brave.” + </p> + <h3> + LOVE LETTERS + </h3> + <p> + A young man corresponding with his fiancée is never, of course, as formal + as in his letters to other people. This does not mean, however, that his + correspondence should be full of silly meaningless “nothings.” On the + contrary, he should aim to instruct and benefit his future spouse as well + as convey to her his tokens of affection. The following letter well + illustrates the manner in which a young man may write his fiancée a letter + which, while it is replete with proper expressions of amatory good will, + yet manages to embody a fund of sensible and useful information: + </p> + <h3> + A Correct Letter from a Young Man Traveling in Europe to His Fiancée + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + MY DEAREST EDITH: + + How I long to see you—to hold tight your hand—to look into your + eyes. But alas! you are in Toledo and I am in Paris, which, as + you know, is situated on the Seine River near the middle of the + so-called Paris basin at a height above sea-level varying from 85 + feet to 419 feet and extending 7 1/2 miles from W. to E. and 5 + 1/2 miles from N. to S. But, dearest, I carry your image with me + in my heart wherever I go in this vast city with its population + (1921) of 2,856,986 and its average mean rainfall Of 2.6 inches, + and I wish—oh, how I wish—that you might be here with me. + Yesterday, for example, I went to the Père Lachaise cemetery + which is the largest (106 acres) and most fashionable cemetery in + Paris, its 90,148 (est.) tombs forming a veritable open-air + sculpture gallery. And what do you think I found there which made + me think of you more than ever? Not the tombs of La Fontaine (d. + 1695) and Molière (d. 1673) whose remains, transferred to this + cemetery in 1804, constituted the first interments—not the last + resting place of Rosa Bonheur (d. 1899) or the victims of the + Opéra Comique fire (1887)—no, dearest, it was the tomb of + Abelard and Heloïse, those late 11th early 12th century lovers, + and you may well imagine what thoughts, centering upon a young + lady whose first name begins with E, filled my heart as I gazed + at this impressive tomb, the canopy of which is composed of + sculptured fragments collected by Lenoir from the Abbey of + Nogent-sur-Seine (Aube). + + Edith dearest, I am sitting in my room gazing first at your dear + picture and then out of my window at the Eiffel Tower which is + the tallest structure in the world, being 984 feet high + (Woolworth Building 750 feet, Washington Obelisk 555 feet, Great + Pyramid 450 feet). And although it may sound too romantic, yet it + seems to me, dearest, that our love is as strong and as sturdy as + this masterpiece of engineering construction which weighs 7,000 + tons, being composed of 12,000 pieces of metal fastened by + 2,500,000 iron rivets. + + Farewell, my dearest one—I must go now to visit the Catacombs, a + huge charnelhouse which is said to contain the remains of nearly + three million persons, consisting of a labyrinth of galleries + lined with bones and rows of skulls through which visitors are + escorted on the first and third Saturday of each month at 2 P. M. + I long to hold you in my arms. + Devotedly, + PAUL. +</pre> + <h3> + CORRESPONDENCE OF PUBLIC OFFICIALS + </h3> + <p> + Congressmen and other public officials are as a rule more careful + correspondents than are men whose letters are never to be seen by the + public at large. There is a certain well-defined form for a letter meant + for public consumption which distinguishes it from correspondence of a + more private nature. Thus a Congressman, writing a “public letter,” would + cast it in the following form: + </p> + <h3> + A Correct “Public Letter” from a Congressman + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Mr. Ellison Lothrop, + Vice-Pres. Washington Co.. “Better Citizenship” League, + + MY DEAR MR. LOTHROP: + + You have requested that I give to the Washington County Better + Citizenship League, of which you are an active vice-president, + some expression of my views upon the question of Prohibition. + + Sir, can there be any doubt as to the belief of every right + thinking American citizen in this matter? The Eighteenth + Amendment is here and here, thank God, to stay! The great benefit + which Prohibition has done to the poor and the working classes is + reason enough for its continued existence. It is for the + manufacturers, the professional class, the capitalists to give up + gladly whatever small pleasure they may have derived from the use + of alcohol, in order that John Jones, workingman, may have money + in the bank and a happy home, instead of his Saturday night + debauch. In every democracy the few sacrifice for the many—“the + greatest good of the greatest number” is the slogan. And I, for + one, am proud to have been a member of that legislative body + which passed so truly God-bidden and democratic an act as the + Eighteenth Amendment. + + I beg to remain, with best wishes to your great + organization, + Sincerely yours, + WALTER G. TOWNSLEY. +</pre> + <h3> + A Correct Private Letter of a Congressman + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + DEAR BOB: + + Tell that fellow on Mulberry Street that I will pay $135 a case + for Scotch and $90 for gin <i>delivered</i> and not a cent more. + W. G. T. +</pre> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image31.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Vision and Ingenuity in Courtship" /> +<span class="caption"><i>The problem of an introduction when there is no mutual +acquaintance is sometimes perplexing. But the young man, having had the good +taste to purchase a copy of</i> <small>PERFECT BEHAVIOR</small>, <i>is having +no difficulty. He has fastened a rope across the sidewalk in front of the +lady’s house and, with the aid of a match and some kerosene, has set fire +to the house. Driven by the heat, the young lady will eventually emerge and in +her haste will fall over the rope. To a gentleman of gallantry and ingenuity +the rest should be comparatively simple.</i></span> +</div> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image32.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="“Say It with Flowers”" /> +<span class="caption"><i>A knowledge of the language of flowers is essential to +a successful courtship and may avoid much unnecessary pain. With the best +intentions in the world the young man is about to present the young lady with a +flower of whose meaning he is in total ignorance. The young lady, being a +faithful student of</i> <small>PERFECT BEHAVIOR</small>, <i>knows its exact +meaning and it will be perfectly correct for her to turn and, with a frigid +bow, break the pot over the young man’s head. Alas, how differently this +romance might have ended if the so-called “friends” of the young +man had tactfully but firmly pointed out to him the value of a book on +etiquette such as</i> <small>PERFECT BEHAVIOR</small>.</span> +</div> + + <h3> + LETTERS TO NEWSPAPERS, MAGAZINES, ETC. + </h3> + <p> + Another type of public correspondence is the letter which is intended for + publication in some periodical. This is usually written by elderly + gentlemen with whiskers and should be cast in the following form: + </p> + <h3> + A Correct Letter from an Elderly Gentleman to the Editor of a Newspaper or + Magazine + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + To the Editor: + SIR: + + On February next, <i>Deo volente</i>, I shall have been a constant + reader of your worthy publication for forty-one years. I feel, + sir, that that record gives me the right <i>ipso facto</i> to offer my + humble criticism of a statement made in your November number by + that worthy critic of the drama, Mr. Heywood Broun. <i>Humanum est + errare</i>, and I am sure that Mr. Broun (with whom I have + unfortunately not the honour of an acquaintance) will forgive me + for calling his attention to what is indeed a serious, and I + might say, unbelievable, misstatement. In my younger days, now + long past, it was not considered <i>infra dig</i> for a critic to reply + to such letters as this, and I hope that Mr. Broun will deem this + epistle worthy of consideration, and recognize the justice of my + complaint. + + I remember well a controversy that raged between critic and + public for many weeks in the days when Joe Jefferson was playing + Rip Van Winkle. Ah, sir, do you remember (but, of course, you + don’t) that entrance of Joe in the first act with his dog + Schneider? That was not my first play by many years, but I + believe that it is still my favorite. I think the first time I + ever attended a dramatic performance was in the winter of ’68 + when I was a student at Harvard College. Five of us freshmen went + into the old Boston Museum to see <i>Our American Cousin</i>. Joe + Chappell was with us that night and the two Dawes boys and, I + think, Elmer Mitchell. One of the Dawes twins was, I believe, + afterwards prominent in the Hayes administration. There were many + men besides Will Dawes in that Harvard class who were heard from + in later years. Ed Twitchell for one, and “Sam” Caldwell, who was + one of the nominees for vice president in ’92. I sat next to Sam + in “Bull” Warren’s Greek class. <i>There</i> was one of the finest + scholars this country has ever produced—a stern taskmaster, and + a thorough gentleman. It would be well for this younger + generation if they could spend a few hours in that old classroom, + with “Bull” pacing up and down the aisle and all of us trembling + in our shoes. But <i>Delenda est Carthago—fuit Ilium—Requiescat in + pace</i>. I last saw “Bull” at our fifteenth reunion and we were all + just as afraid of him as in the old days at Hollis. + + But I digress. <i>Tempus fugit</i>,—which reminds me of a story “Billy” + Hallowell once told at a meeting of the American Bar Association + in Minneapolis, in 1906. Hallowell was perhaps the most brilliant + after-dinner speaker I have ever heard—with the possible + exception of W. D. Evarts. I shall never forget the speech that + Evarts made during the second Blaine campaign. + + But I digress. Your critic, Mr. Heywood Broun, says on page 33 of + the November issue of your worthy magazine that <i>The Easiest Way</i> + is the father of all modern American tragedy. Sir, does Mr. Broun + forget that there once lived a man named William Shakespeare? Is + it possible to overlook such immortal tragedies as <i>Hamlet</i> and + <i>Othello?</i> I think not. <i>Fiat justitia, ruat cœlum.</i> + Sincerely, + SHERWIN G. COLLINS. +</pre> + <h3> + A Correct Letter from an Indignant Father to an Editor of Low Ideals + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + To the Editor: Sir: + + I have a son—a little fourteen-year-old boy who proudly bears my + name. This lad I have brought up with the greatest care. I have + spared no pains to make him an upright, moral, God-fearing youth. + + I had succeeded, I thought, in inculcating in him all those + worthy principles for which our Puritan fathers fought + and—aye—died. I do not believe that there existed in our + neighborhood a more virtuous, more righteous boy. + + From his earliest childhood until now Mrs. Pringle and I have + kept him carefully free from any suggestion of evil. We have put + in his hands only the best and purest of books; we have not + allowed him to attend any motion picture performances other than + the yearly visit of the Burton Holmes travelogues, and, last + year, a film called <i>Snow White and Rose Red;</i> we have forbidden + him to enter a theater. Roland (for that is his name) has never + in his life exhibited any interest in what is known as sex. + + Sir, you may imagine my chagrin when my Roland—my boy who, for + fourteen years, I have carefully shielded from sin—rushed in + last night to where Mrs. Pringle and I were enjoying our evening + game of Bézique, bearing in his hand a copy of your magazine + which, I presume, he had picked up at some so-called friend’s + house. “Papa, look,” said my boy to me, pointing to the cover of + the magazine. “What are these?” + + Sir, I looked. Mrs. Pringle gave a shriek, and well may she have. + My boy was pointing to a cover on which was what is called—in + barroom parlance—a “nude.” And not <i>one</i> nude but <i>twelve!</i> + + Sir, you have destroyed the parental labors of fourteen years. I + trust you are satisfied. + Yours, etc., + EVERETT G. PRINGLE. +</pre> + <h3> + A Letter from a Member of the Lower Classes. Particular pains should be + taken in answering such letters as it should always be our aim to lend a + hand to those aspiring toward better things. + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + To the Editor: + Dear Sir: + + I am a motorman on the Third Ave. South Ferry local, and the + other day one of the passengers left a copy of your magazine on + my car and I want to ask you something which maybe you can tell + me and anyway it don’t do no harm to ask what I want to know is + will it be O. K to wear a white vest with a dinner coat this + coming winter and what color socks I enclose stamps for reply. + Yrs. + ED. WALSH. +</pre> + <h3> + A Correct Letter to the Lost and Found Department of a Periodical, + inquiring for a Missing Relative. This should be referred to the persons + mentioned in the letter who will probably take prompt and vigorous action. + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Literary Editors: + Dear Sirs: + + I have been very much interested in the clever work of Nancy and + Ernest Boyd which has been appearing in your magazine, and I + wonder if you could take the time to give me a little piece of + information about them. You see there was a Nancy Boyd (her + mother was Nancy Kroomen of Beaver Dam) and her bro. Ernest, who + was neighbors to us for several years, and when they moved I sort + of lost track of them. You know how those things are. But it’s a + small world after all, isn’t it? and I shouldn’t be at all + surprised if this was the same party and, if it is, will you say + hello to Nancy for me, and tell Ernest that Ed. Gold still comes + down from Akron to see E. W. every Saturday. He’ll know who I + mean. + Ever sincerely, + MAY WINTERS. +</pre> + <h3> + LETTERS TO STRANGERS + </h3> + <p> + In writing to a person with whom you have only a slight acquaintance, it + is a sign of proper breeding to attempt to show the stranger that you are + interested in the things in which he is interested. Thus, for example, if + you were to write a letter to a Frenchman who was visiting your city for + the first time, you would endeavor, as in the following example, to speak + to him in his own idiom and put him at his ease by referring to the things + with which he is undoubtedly familiar. It is only a “boor” who seeks to + impose his own hobbies and interests upon a stranger, disregarding + entirely the presumable likes and dislikes of the latter. + </p> + <h3> + A CORRECT LETTER TO A FRENCH VISITOR + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Monsieur Jules La Chaise, + Hotel Enterprise, + City. + + MONSIEUR: + + I hope that you have had a <i>bon voyage</i> on your trip from <i>la belle + France</i>, and my wife and I are looking forward to welcoming you to + our city. Although I cannot say, as your great king Louis XV. so + justly remarked, “<i>L’etat, c’est moi</i>,” yet I believe that I can + entertain you <i>comme il faut</i> during your stay here. But all <i>bon + mots</i> aside, would you care to join us this afternoon in a ride + around the city? If you say the word, <i>voila!</i> we shall be at your + hotel in our automobile and I think that you will find here much + that is interesting to a native of Lafayette’s great country and + especially to a citizen of Paris. Did you know, for example, that + this city manufactures 38% of the toilet soap and perfumery <i>je ne + sais quoi</i> which are used in this state? Of course, our sewers are + not to be compared to yours, <i>mon Dieu</i>, but we have recently + completed a pumping station on the outskirts of the city which I + think might almost be denominated an <i>objet d’art</i>. + + I am enclosing a visitor’s card to the City Club here, which I + wish you would use during your stay. I am sure that you will find + there several <i>bon vivants</i> who will be glad to join you in a game + of <i>vingt et un</i>, and in the large room on the second floor is a + victrola with splendid instrumental and vocal records of “La + Marseillaise.” + + <i>Au revoir</i> until I see you this afternoon. + Robert C. Crocker. +</pre> + <p> + And above all, in writing to strangers or comparative strangers, seek to + avoid the mention of subjects which might be distasteful to the recipient + of the letter. Many a friendship has been utterly ruined because one of + the parties, in her correspondence or conversation, carelessly referred to + some matter—perhaps some physical peculiarity—upon which the + other was extremely sensitive. The following letter well illustrates how + the use of a little tact may go “a long way.” + </p> + <h3> + A CORRECT LETTER TO A BEARDED LADY + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + My dear Mrs. Lenox: + + I wonder if you would care to go with us to the opera Wednesday + evening? The Cromwells have offered us their box for that night, + which accounts for our selection of that particular evening. + “Beggars cannot be choosers,” and while personally we would all + rather go on some other night, yet it is perhaps best that we do + not refuse the Cromwells’ generous offer. Then, too, Wednesday is + really the only evening that my husband and I are free to go, for + the children take so much of our time on other nights. I do hope, + therefore, that you can go with us Wednesday to hear “The Barber + of Seville.” + Sincerely, + Esther G. (Mrs. Thomas D.) Franklin. +</pre> + <h3> + INVITATIONS + </h3> + <p> + The form of the invitation depends a great deal upon the character of the + function to which one wishes to invite the guests to whom one issues the + invitation. Or, to put it more simply, invitations differ according to the + nature of the party to which one invites the guests. In other words, when + issuing invitations to invited guests one must have due regard for the + fact that these invitations vary with the various types of entertainments + for which one issues the invitations. That is to say, one would obviously + not send out the same form of invitation to a wedding as to a dinner + party, and vice versa. This is an iron-clad rule in polite society. + </p> + <p> + For example, a gentleman and lady named Mr. and Mrs. Weems, respectively, + living at 1063 Railroad Ave., wishing to invite a gentleman named Mr. + Cleek to dinner, would send him the following engraved invitation: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + MR. AND MRS. LIONEL THONG WEEMS + + <i>request the pleasure of</i> + + MR. WALLACE TILFORD CLEEK’S + + <i>company at dinner + + on Tuesday January the tenth + + at half after seven o’clock</i> + + 1063 Railroad Avenue. +</pre> + <p> + This invitation would of course be worded differently for different + circumstances, such as, for example, if the name of the people giving the + party wasn’t Weems or if they didn’t live at 1063 Railroad Ave., or if + they didn’t have any intention of giving a dinner party on that particular + evening. + </p> + <p> + Many prospective hostesses prefer to send written notes instead of the + engraved invitation, especially if the dinner is to be fairly informal. + This sort of invitation should, however, be extremely simple. I think that + most well-informed hostesses would agree that the following is too + verbose: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + DEAR MR. BURPEE. + + It would give us great pleasure if you would dine with us on + Monday next at seven-thirty. By the way, did you know that Mr. + Sheldon died yesterday of pneumonia? + Cordially, + ESTELLE G. BESSERABO. +</pre> + <p> + For receptions in honor of noted guests, word the invitation in this + manner: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + MR. AND MRS. CORNELIUS VANDERBILT + + <i>request the pleasure of your company + + on Friday evening February sixth + + from nine to twelve</i> + + AT DELMONICO’S + + to meet Asst. Fire-Chief CHARLEY SCHMIDT and + + Mrs. SCHMIDT +</pre> + <p> + Invitations to graduating exercises are worded thus: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + THE SENIOR CLASS + + of the + + SOUTH ROCHESTER FEMALE DENTAL INSTITUTE + + requests the honor of your presence at the + + Commencement Exercises + + <i>on Tuesday evening, June the fifth + + at eight o’clock</i> + + MASONIC OPERA HOUSE + + <i>“That Six” Orchestra.</i> +</pre> + <h3> + ACCEPTANCES AND REGRETS + </h3> + <p> + Responses to invitations usually take the form of “acceptances” or + “regrets.” It is never correct, for example, to write the following sort + of note: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + DEAR MRS. CRONICK: + + Your invitation for the 12th inst. received and in reply would + advise that I am not at the present time in a position to signify + whether or not I can accept. Could you at your convenience + furnish me with additional particulars re the proposed + affair—number of guests, character of refreshments, size of + orchestra, etc.? Awaiting an early reply, I am, + Yours truly, + ALFRED CASS NAPE. +</pre> + <p> + If one wishes to attend the party, one “accepts” on a clean sheet of + note-paper with black ink from a “fountain” pen or inkwell. A hostess + should not, however, make the mistake of thinking that a large number of + “acceptances” implies that anybody really wishes to attend her party. + </p> + <p> + The following is a standard form of acceptance: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Dr. Tanner accepts with pleasure the kind invitation of Mrs. + Frederick Cummings Bussey for Thursday evening, December twelfth, + at half after eight. +</pre> + <p> + This note need not be signed. The following “acceptance” is decidedly + demode: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + DEAR MRS. ASTOR: + + Will I be at your ball? Say, can a duck swim? + Count on me sure. FRED. +</pre> + <p> + It is also incorrect and somewhat boorish to write “accepted” across the + face of the invitation and return it signed to the hostess. + </p> + <p> + If one does not care to attend the party, one often sends one’s “regrets” + although one just as often sends one’s “acceptances,” depending largely + upon the social position of one’s hostess. The proper form of “regret” is + generally as follows: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Alice Ben Bolt regrets that she will be unable to accept the kind + invitation of Major General and Mrs. Hannafield for Wednesday + evening at half after eight. +</pre> + <p> + Sometimes it is better to explain in some manner the cause of the + “regret,” as for example: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Alice Ben Bolt regrets that, owing to an ulcerated tooth in the + left side of her mouth, and severe neuralgic pains all up and + down her left side, she will be unable to accept the kind + invitation of Major General and Mrs. Hannafield for Wednesday + evening at half after eight, at “The Bananas.” +</pre> + <p> + This is not, however, always necessary. + </p> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image33.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Etiquette without Tears, Mother’s Artful Aid" /> +<span class="caption"><i>This is an admirable picture with which to test the +“kiddies’” knowledge of good manners at a dinner table. It +will also keep them occupied as a puzzle picture since the “faux +pas” illustrated herewith will probably not be apparent to the little +ones except after careful examination. If, however, they have been +conscientiously trained it will not be long, before the brighter ones discover +that the spoon has been incorrectly left standing in the cup, that the coffee +is being served from the right instead of the left side, and that the lettering +of the motto on the wall too nearly resembles the German style to be quite +“au fait” in the home of any red-blooded American +citizen.</i></span> +</div> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image34.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Illustrating the Inestimable Value of Stewart’s Lightning Calculation" /> +<span class="caption"><i>Dessert has been reached and the gentleman in the +picture is perspiring freely—in itself a deplorable breach of etiquette. +He has been attempting all evening to engage the ladies on either side of him +in conversation on babies, Camp’s Reducing Exercises, politics, +Camp’s Developing Exercises, music or Charlie Chaplin, only to be +rebuffed by a haughty chin on the one hand and a cold shoulder on the other. If +he had taken the precaution to consult Stewart’s Lightning Calculator of +Dinner Table Conversation (one of the many aids to social success to be found +in</i> <small>PERFECT BEHAVIOR</small>) <i>he would have realized the bad taste +characterizing his choice of topics and would not have made himself a marked +figure at this well-appointed dinner table.</i></span> +</div> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2><a name="chap09"></a>CHAPTER NINE:<br/>THE ETIQUETTE OF DINNERS AND BALLS</h2> + + <h3> + FORMAL DINNERS IN AMERICA + </h3> + <p> + Eating is an extremely old custom and has been practiced by the better + classes of society almost without interruption from earliest times. And + “society,” like the potentate of the parable whose touch transformed every + object into gold, has embellished and adorned the all-too-common habit of + eating, until there has been evolved throughout the ages that most + charming and exquisite product of human culture—the formal dinner + party. The gentleman of today who delightedly dons his dress suit and + escorts into a ten-course dinner some lady mountain climber or other + celebrity, is probably little aware of what he owes to his forefathers for + having so painstakingly devised for him such a pleasant method of spending + his time. + </p> + <p> + But “before one runs, one must learn to walk”—and the joys of the + dinner-party are not to be partaken of without a long preliminary course + of training, as many a young man has learned to his sorrow when he + discovered that his inelegant use of knife and fork was causing humorous + comment up and down the “board” and was drawing upon himself the haughty + glances of an outraged hostess. The first requisite of success in dining + out is the possession of a complete set of correct table manners—and + these, like anything worth while, can be achieved only by patient study + and daily practise. + </p> + <h3> + TABLE MANNERS FOR CHILDREN + </h3> + <p> + AS a matter of fact, it is never too early to begin to acquire the + technique of correct eating, and the nursery is the best possible place + for the first lessons in dining-room behavior. Children should be taught + at an early age the fundamentals of “table” manners in such a way that by + the time they have reached the years of manhood the correct use of knife, + fork, spoon and fingerbowl is to them almost second nature. But the + parents should remember, above everything else, to instruct their children + in such a way that the pupil takes pleasure in his lessons. This is the + method which is employed today in every successful school or + “kindergarten”; this is the method which really produces satisfactory + results. + </p> + <p> + Thus, for example, if you are a father and your boy Edward persists in + bringing his pet tadpole to the table in a glass jar, you should not + punish or scold him; a much more effective and graphic method of + correcting this habit would be for you to suddenly pick up the tadpole one + day at luncheon and swallow it. No whipping or scolding would so impress + upon the growing boy the importance of the fact that the dinner table is + not the place for pets. + </p> + <p> + Another effective way of teaching table manners to children consists in + making up attractive games about the various lessons to be learned. Thus, + whenever you have guests for dinner, the children can play “Boner” which + consists in watching the visitor closely all during the meal in order to + catch him in any irregularity in table etiquette. As soon as the guest has + committed a mistake, the first Child to discover it points his finger at + him and shouts, “Pulled a Boner, Pulled a Boner!” and the boy or girl who + discovers the greatest number of “Boners” during the evening is rewarded + with a prize, based on the following table of points: + </p> +<p class="letter"> + If the guest has dirty hands, 5 points.<br/> + If the guest uses wrong fork or spoon, 5 points.<br/> + If the guest chokes on bone, 8 points.<br/> + If the guest blows on soup, 5 points.<br/> + If the guest drops fork or spoon, 3 points.<br/> + If the guest spills soup on table, 10 points.<br/> + If the guest spills soup on self, 1 point. +</p> + <p> + Of course it is often well to tell the guests about the game in advance in + order that they may not feel embarrassed but will enter thoroughly into + the spirit of this helpful sport. + </p> + <h3> + A CHILD’S GARDEN OF ETIQUETTE + </h3> + <p> + Children can also acquire knowledge more easily if it is imparted to them + in the form of verse or easy rhymes, and many valuable facts about the + dinner table can be embodied in children’s verses. A few of these which I + can remember from my own happy childhood are as follows: + </p> +<p class="poem"> + Oh, wouldn’t it be jolly<br/> + To be a nice <i>hors d’œuvre</i><br/> + And just bring joy to people<br/> + Whom fondest you were of.<br/> +<br/> + Soup is eaten with a spoon<br/> + But not to any haunting tune.<br/> +<br/> + Oysters live down in the sea<br/> + In zones both temp. and torrid,<br/> + And when they are good they are very good indeed,<br/> + And when they are bad they are horrid.<br/> +<br/> + My papa makes a lovely Bronx<br/> + With gin so rare and old,<br/> + And two of them will set you right<br/> + But four will knock you cold.<br/> +<br/> + The boys with Polly will not frolic<br/> + Because she’s eaten too much garlic.<br/> + Mama said the other day,<br/> + “A little goes a long, long way.”<br/> +<br/> + A wind came up out of the sea<br/> + And said, “Those dams are not for me.”<br/> +<br/> + Uncle Frank choked on a bone<br/> + From eating shad <i>au gratin</i><br/> + Aunt Ethel said it served him right<br/> + And went back to her flat in<br/> + NEWARK (spoken)<br/> + Poor Uncle Frank! (chanted)<br/> +<br/> + I love my little finger bowl<br/> + So full of late filet of sole.<br/> +<br/> + Cousin George at lunch one day<br/> + Remarked, “That apple looks quite tasty.<br/> + Now George a dentist’s bill must pay<br/> + Because he was so very hasty.<br/> + The proverb’s teachings we must hold<br/> + “All that glitters is not gold.”<br/> + And mama said to George, “Oh, shoot,<br/> + You’ve gone and ruined my glass fruit.”<br/> +<br/> + Jim broke bread into his soup,<br/> + Jim knocked Mrs. Vanderbilt for a loop.<br/> + Kate drank from her finger bowl,<br/> + Kate knocked Mrs. Vanderbilt for a goal.<br/> + Children who perform such tricks<br/> + Are socially in Class G-6.<br/> +</p> + <h3> + ETIQUETTE IN THE SCHOOL + </h3> + <p> + Of course, as the children become older, the instruction should gradually + come to embrace all forms of correct behaviour, and the youthful games and + rhymes should give way to the more complex and intricate problems of + mature social etiquette. It is suggested that the teachings during this + period may be successfully combined with the young gentleman’s or lady’s + other schoolroom studies; in the case of mathematics, for example, the + instruction might be handled in somewhat the following manner: + </p> + <p class="p2"> + <i>A Problem in Mathematics (7th grade)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>A swimmer starts across a stream which is 450 yards wide. He swims for + five minutes at the rate of three miles per hour, and for three minutes at + the rate of four miles per hour. He then reaches the other bank, where he + sees a young lady five feet ten inches tall, walking around a tree, in a + circle the circumference of which is forty-two yards.</i> + </p> +<p class="letter"> + <i>A. What is the diameter of the circle?<br/> + B. How fast is the current flowing in the stream?<br/> + C. At what point would the swimmer land if there were no current<br/> + in the stream?<br/> + D. At what point does the swimmer actually land?<br/> + E. But suppose that he has no bathing suit on?</i> +</p> + <p class="p2"> + And so, when the young person has reached the age for his first formal + dinner party, he will undoubtedly be able to handle the fundamentals of + correct etiquette in a satisfactory manner. But, as in every sport or + profession, there are certain refinements—certain niceties which + come only after long experience—and it is with a view of helping the + ambitious diner-out to master these more complex details, that I suggest + that he study carefully the following “unwritten laws” which govern every + dinner party. + </p> + <p> + In the first place, a guest is supposed tacitly to consent to the menu + which the hostess has arranged, and the diner-out who makes a habit of + saying “Squab, you know, never agrees with me—I wonder if I might + have a couple of poached eggs,” is apt to find that such squeamishness + does not pay in the long run. + </p> + <p> + Practical jokes are never countenanced at a formal affair of this sort. I + do not mean that a certain amount of good-natured fun is out of place, but + such “stunts” as pulling the hostess’ chair out from under her—or + gleefully kicking the shins of your neighbor under the table and shouting + “Guess who?”—are decidedly among the “non-ests” of correct modern + dinner-table behaviour. + </p> + <p> + Then, too, it is now distinctly bad form to practise legerdemain or feats + of sleight-of-hand at a dinner party. Time was when it was considered + correct for a young man who could do card or other tricks to add to the + gayety of the party by displaying his skill, but that time is past, and + the guest of today, who thinks to make a “hit” by pulling a live rabbit or + a potted plant from the back of the mystified hostess or one of the + butlers, is in reality only making a “fool” of himself if he only knew it. + The same “taboo” also holds good as concerns feats of juggling and no + hostess of today will, I am sure, ever issue a second invitation to a + young man who has attempted to enliven her evening by balancing, on his + nose, a knife, a radish, a plate of soup and a lighted candle. + “Cleverness” is a valuable asset but only up to a certain point, and I + know of one unfortunately “clever” young chap who almost completely ruined + a promising social career by the unexpected failure of one of his pet + juggling tricks and the consequent dumping of a large dish of mashed + potatoes on the head of a vice-president of the Equitable Trust Company. + Besides, people almost always distrust “clever” persons. + </p> + <p> + It does not “do,” either, to “ride your hobby” at a dinner party, and the + real truth as to the cause of the sudden social ostracism of young Freddie + H——, a New York clubman of some years ago (now happily + deceased), is that on one occasion this young fellow, who had developed a + craze for marksmanship amounting almost to a mania, very nearly ruined a + dinner party given by a prominent Boston society matron by attempting to + shoot the whiskers off a certain elderly gentleman, who happened to be a + direct descendant of John Smith and Priscilla Alden. + </p> + <p> + It might also be remarked that the possession of certain physical gifts—such + as the ability to wriggle one’s ears or do the “splits”—is in itself + no “open sesame” to lasting social success. “Slow and sure” is a good rule + for the young man to follow, and although he may somewhat enviously watch + his more brilliant colleagues as they gain momentary applause by their + ability to throw their thumbs out of joint or squirt water through a hole + in their front teeth, yet he may console himself with the thought that + “the race is not always to the swift” and that “Rome was not built in a + day.” The gifts of this world have been distributed fairly equally, and + you may be sure that the young girl who has been born a ventriloquist very + likely is totally unable to spell difficult words correctly or carry even + a simple tune. Ventriloquism, by the way, is also passing out as a form of + dinner party diversion, and it is no longer considered a priceless + accomplishment to be able to make a dog bark or a baby cry under the + hostess’s chair. + </p> + <h3> + CONVERSATION AT DINNER + </h3> + <p> + Gradually, however, conversation—real conversation—is coming + into its own as the favorite pastime of dinner guests, and the young man + or lady who can keep the conversational “ball” rolling is coming more and + more into demand. Good conversationalists are, I fear, born and not made—but + by study and practise any ambitious young man can probably acquire the + technique, and, with time, mould himself into the kind of person upon whom + hostesses depend for the success of their party. As an aid in this + direction I have prepared the following chart which I would advise all my + readers to cut out and paste in some convenient place so that at their + next dinner party it can be readily consulted. + </p> + <h3> + STEWART’S LIGHTNING CALCULATOR OF DINNER TABLE CONVERSATION + </h3> + <p> + This chart divides the dinner into its various courses, and under each + course is given what I call an “opening sentence,” together with your + partner’s probable reply and the topic which is then introduced for + discussion. And, most valuable of all, under each such topic I have listed + certain helpful facts which will enable you to prolong the conversation + along those lines until the arrival of the next course, and the consequent + opening of another field for discussion. The chart follows: + </p> + <p> + I. <i>Cocktails.</i> + </p> + <p> + You say to the partner on your right: “What terrible gin!” She (he) + replies: “Perfectly ghastly.” This leads to a discussion of: Some Aspects + of Alcohol. Helpful Facts: + </p> + <p> + 1. An oyster soaked in alcohol becomes quite rigid in eleven minutes. + </p> + <p> + 2. Senator Volstead was born Sept. 4, 1869. + </p> + <p> + 3. Alcohol, if taken in too great quantities, often produces internal + disorders. + </p> + <p> + II. <i>Oysters.</i> + </p> + <p> + You say to the partner on your right: “Think of being an oyster!” + </p> + <p> + She (he) replies: “How perfectly ghastly.” + </p> + <p> + This leads to a discussion of: Home Life of Oysters. + </p> + <p> + Helpful Facts: + </p> + <p> + 1. The average life of an oyster is 38 days, 11 hours. + </p> + <p> + 2. Polygamy is practised among certain classes of oysters. + </p> + <p> + 3. The first oyster was eaten by Ossip Gatch, a Pole (d. 1783). + </p> + <p> + III. <i>Fish.</i> + </p> + <p> + You say to the partner at your right: “Do you enjoy fish?” + </p> + <p> + She (he) replies: “I simply adore fish.” + </p> + <p> + This leads to a discussion of: Fish—Then, and Now. + </p> + <p> + Helpful Facts: + </p> + <p> + 1. Fish make notoriously bad pets, whereas seals can be taught to do many + novel tricks. + </p> + <p> + 2. Gloucester (Mass.) smells badly in summer. + </p> + <p> + 3. Gloucester (Mass.) smells badly in winter. + </p> + <p> + IV. <i>Meat.</i> + </p> + <p> + You say to the partner at your right: “Have you ever been + through the Stock-Yards?” + </p> + <p> + She (he) replies: “No.” (“Yes.”) + </p> + <p> + This leads to a discussion of: “The Meat Industry in America.” + </p> + <p> + Helpful Facts: + </p> + <p> + 1. Every time a street car goes over the Brooklyn Bridge, a steer is + killed in Chicago—and oftener. + </p> + <p> + 2. Raw beefsteak in quantities is harmful to children under two years of + age. + </p> + <p> + 3. A man died recently in Topeka, Kansas, weighing 312 pounds. + </p> + <p> + 4. Many prominent people live on the North Side of Chicago. + </p> + <p> + V. <i>Salad.</i> + </p> + <p> + You say to the partner at your right: “What is your favorite salad?” + </p> + <p> + She (he) replies: “I don’t know, what’s yours?” + </p> + <p> + This leads to a discussion of: Favorite Things. + </p> + <p> + Helpful Facts: + </p> + <p> + 1. Richard Barthelmess is married. + </p> + <p> + 2. B. V. D. stands for “Best Value Delivered.” + </p> + <p> + 3. Amy Lowell is fond of cigars. + </p> + <p> + <i>VI. Dessert.</i> + </p> + <p> + You say to the partner at your right: “I love ice cream.” + </p> + <p> + She (he) replies: “So do I.” + </p> + <p> + This leads to a discussion of: Love. + </p> + <p> + Helpful Facts: + </p> + <p> + 1. New York is the hardest state in which to get a divorce in America. + </p> + <p> + 2. Dr. Sigmund Freud is now living in Vienna, Austria. + </p> + <p> + 3. D. H. Lawrence has a black beard. + </p> + <h3> + BALLS AND DANCES + </h3> + <p> + In order to succeed in the modern ballroom, and especially in the + ballrooms of our exclusive country clubs, a young gentleman or lady of + fashion must today be possessed of the following two requisites: i. A + “Line.” 2. A closed car. The latter of these “sine qua nons” is now owned + as a matter of course by most families and is no longer regarded as a mark + of distinction. The former requisite, however, is not so common, but it is + nevertheless true that any young person with ambition and a good memory + can eventually acquire a quite effective “Line.” It is a great aid in this + direction if one happens to have spent a year or more at one of our + leading eastern universities or “finishing schools.” These vary, of + course, in degree of excellence, but it does not pay to be dogmatic on + this subject, and to those who would insist that the Princeton “Line” is + more effective than the Harvard ditto, or that the Westover “Line” flows + more smoothly than that of Farmington or Spence, one can only say “De + gustibus non disputandum est.” “Lines” vary also in accordance with the + different types of girls who happen to be using them, and (to misquote a + rather vulgar proverb) “What is one girl’s food may be another girl’s + poison.” Thus it happens that the “Line” which is most universally and + interminably employed by the “beautiful” type of girl (consisting, in its + entirety, of the three words “How perfectly priceless”) would never in the + world do for the young miss whose chief asset is a kind heart or a love + for really good books. + </p> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image35.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="A Word of Warning and Encouragement" /> +<span class="caption"><i>The above diagram (one of man), filling the +instructive and refined pages of</i> <small>PERFECT BEHAVIOR</small>, <i>will +serve as a model to any debutante or dancing man who seriously sets out to +achieve social eminence. It is only fair to warn aspirants that rigid adherence +to the formula is essential and that any slight slackening of the pace is +likely to prove fatal. On the other hand, we confidently guarantee complete +success to those who, in reverence and faith, keep the final goal always in +sight. His (or hers) be it to keep the sacred flame burning and to pass the +torch along from father to son, from mother to daughter till the end of time, +or so long as they do not make any mesalliances, which is just as important in +America, whatever may be said to the contrary, as among our “English +cousins.”</i></span> +</div> + + <h3> + MIXED DANCING + </h3> + <p> + Another quality which is often helpful on the dance floor, especially to + girls, is the ability to dance. This seems to have become largely a trick + of keeping abreast of the latest “mode” and while, personally, I greatly + regret the passing of the stately lancers and other dignified “round + dances,” yet, if “mixed dancing” has come to stay, it is the duty of every + young person to learn to dance as well as possible in the generally + accepted manner, even though this often involves some compromising of + one’s <i>amour propre</i>. + </p> + <p> + But in addition to all these necessary qualifications the really great + person—the true super man or woman of the ballroom—must be + possessed of that certain divine something, that <i>je ne sais quoi</i> ability + to rise superior to all occasions, to overcome the most difficult + situations, which has distinguished the great men and women of all ages. + Joan of Arc had it, George Washington had it, Napoleon had it—and I + venture to say that any of these three, had they lived today, Would have + been a social success. But perhaps this fact can best be illustrated by + taking a typical instance in the ballroom in which “When duty whispered + low ‘Thou must,’ the youth replied ‘I can.’” + </p> + <h3> + HINTS FOR STAGS + </h3> + <p> + Let us suppose, for example, that you are a young man who has been invited + to a dance to be given at the East Shore Country Club. It is your original + intention, let us say, to attend as a “stag,” but on the afternoon of the + party you receive a note from a young lady of your acquaintance asking if + you would be so kind as to accompany to the ball a guest of hers, a “sweet + girl from South Orange” who was in her class at college. + </p> + <p> + The correct costume for a dance of this sort is usually a dinner coat with + a black or white vest, and when you have robed yourself correctly, you + should drive in your car to the young lady’s home. There you are presented + to the sweet girl from South Orange, who is six feet tall and has + protruding teeth. After the customary words of greeting and a few brief + bits of pleasantry, you set off with your partner for the dance. + </p> + <p> + Arrived at the East Shore Club, you find the party in “full swing,” and + after shaking hands with your host and hostess, you should ask your + partner if she would care to dance. + </p> + <p> + The first three times that she steps on your left foot, you should + politely murmur, “My fault.” But when she begins to sing in your ear it is + proper to steer her over toward the “stag line” in order to petition for + an injunction or a temporary restraining order. + </p> + <p> + The “stag line” consists of a group of the wisest, shrewdest and most + hard-hearted young men ever gathered together under one roof. The original + purpose of a “stag line” was to provide a place where unattached young men + might stand while searching for a partner, but the institution has now + come to be a form of Supreme Court, passing life or death sentence upon + the various debutantes who pass before it. + </p> + <p> + After you have piloted your partner five times along the length of this + line you have a pretty fair idea as to her merits or demerits, and, in + this particular case, you have a pretty fair idea as to just what the + evening holds out for you. When the music stops you should therefore lead + the girl over to a chair and ask to be allowed to bring her a glass of + punch. + </p> + <p> + Instead of going directly to the punch bowl, you should turn your steps + toward the “stag line.” There you will find several young men whom only as + late as that afternoon you counted among your very best friends, but who + do not, at the present, seem to remember ever having met you before. + Seizing the arm of one of these you say, “Tom, I want you to meet——” + That is as far as you will get, for Tom will suddenly interrupt you by + remarking, “Excuse me a minute, Ed—, I see a girl over there I’ve + simply got to speak to. I’ll come right back.” + </p> + <p> + He will not come right back. He will not come back at all. And after you + have met with the same response from four other so-called friends, you + should return to the South Orange visitor and “carry on.” + </p> + <p> + At the end of the second hour, however, your mind should begin to clear, + and if you are at all possessed of the qualifications for future ballroom + leadership, you should gradually throw off the slough of despond and + determine to make a fight for life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. + And when the music has once more ceased, you should ask your partner if + she would not care to take a jaunt in the open air. + </p> + <p> + “I know a lovely walk,” you should say, “across a quaint old bridge.” + </p> + <p> + The rest is, of course, easy. Arrived in the middle of the quaint old + bridge, which leads across a cavern some three hundred feet deep, you + should quickly seize the tall college graduate, and push her, not too + roughly or ungentlemanly, off the bridge. + </p> + <p> + And, if you are really a genius, and not merely “one of the crowd” you + will return to the ballroom and, going up to the young lady who was + responsible for your having met the sweet girl from South Orange, you will + offer her your arm, and smile invitingly. + </p> + <p> + “I know a lovely walk,” you will say, “across a quaint old bridge.” + </p> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image36.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="endpiece" /> +</div> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Perfect Behavior, by Donald Ogden Stewart + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PERFECT BEHAVIOR *** + +***** This file should be named 1446-h.htm or 1446-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/4/1446/ + +Produced by Charles Keller, and David Widger + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will +be renamed. + +Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright +law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, +so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United +States without permission and without paying copyright +royalties. 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files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ba28bb2 --- /dev/null +++ b/1446-h/images/image34.jpg diff --git a/1446-h/images/image35.jpg b/1446-h/images/image35.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..dff688c --- /dev/null +++ b/1446-h/images/image35.jpg diff --git a/1446-h/images/image36.jpg b/1446-h/images/image36.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..88989e6 --- /dev/null +++ b/1446-h/images/image36.jpg diff --git a/1446.txt b/1446.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d2d509e --- /dev/null +++ b/1446.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4697 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Perfect Behavior, by Donald Ogden Stewart + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Perfect Behavior + A Guide for Ladies and Gentlemen in all Social Crises + +Author: Donald Ogden Stewart + +Posting Date: August 26, 2008 [EBook #1446] +Release Date: September, 1998 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PERFECT BEHAVIOR *** + + + + +Produced by Charles Keller + + + + + +PERFECT BEHAVIOR + +By Donald Ogden Stewart + +A Guide for Ladies and Gentlemen in all Social Crises + + + Those who are not self-possessed obtrude + and pain us.--EMERSON + + + + +PERFECT BEHAVIOR + + + A parody outline of etiquette by the Author of "A Parody + Outline of History" + + The perfect gentleman is he who never unintentionally causes + pain.--OLD PROVERB + + + + + TO THE BRIDEGROOM WHOSE WEDDING WAS RUINED + BECAUSE THE BRIDE CAME DOWN THE AISLE + ON THE RIGHT INSTEAD OF THE LEFT + ARM OF HER FATHER + With Deepest Sympathy + + + + +CONTENTS + + Chapter + I. THE ETIQUETTE OF COURTSHIP + A Few Words about Love--Curious Incident in a Yellow Taxicab--A + Silly Girl--Correct Introductions and how to Make Them--A + Well Known Congressman's Ludicrous Mistake in a Turkish + Bath--Cards and Flowers--Flowers and their Message in + Courtship--"A Clean Tooth Never Decays"--Receiving an + Invitation to Call--The Etiquette of Telephoning-A Telephone + Girl's Horrible End--Making the First Call--Conversation and + Some of its Uses--A Proper Call--The Proposal Proper-The Proposal + Improper--What Henry Wadsworth Longfellow Said to the + ex-Clergyman's Niece. + + II. THE ETIQUETTE OF ENGAGEMENTS AND WEDDINGS + The Historic Aspect--Announcing the Engagement--A Breton Fisher + Girl's Experience with a Traveling Salesman--The Bride-to-Be--The + Engagement Luncheon--Selecting the Bridal Party--Invitations and + Wedding Presents--A Good Joke on the Groom--"Madam, those are + my trousers"--Duties of the Best Man--A Demented Taxidermist's + Strange Gift--The Bride's Tea--The Maid of Honor--What Aunt + Edna Saw on the Club Porch-The Bachelor Dinner and After-Some + Practical Uses for Bi-Carbonate of Soda--The Rehearsal--The + Bridal Dinner--A Church Wedding. + + III. THE ETIQUETTE OF TRAVEL + Hints for the Correct Pedestrianism--Description of a Walk around + Philadelphia with a Pueblo Indian in 1837--Travelling by Rail-- + Good Form on a Street Car--In the Subway--Fun with an Old + Gentleman's Whiskers--A Honeymoon in a Subway--Travelling under + Steam-A Correct Night in a Pullman-What Burton Holmes Found in + His Lower Berth. + + IV. AT THE CONCERT AND THE OPERA + Listening to a Symphony Orchestra--Curious Effect of Debussy's + "Apres-midi d'un Faune" and four gin fizzes on Uncle + Frederick--"No, fool like an old fool"--Correct Behavior at a + Piano Recital--Choosing One's Nearest Exit--In a Box at the + Opera--What a Kansas City Society Leader Did with Her Old + Victrola Records. + + V. ETIQUETTE FOR DRY AGENTS + Some Broader Aspects of Prohibition--Interesting Effect of Whisky + on Goldfish--The College Graduate as Dry Agent--Aunt Emily's + Amusing Experiences with a Quart of Gin Planning a Dry Raid on a + Masquerade Ball A Word About Correct Costumes--A California + Motion Picture Actress's Bad Taste--Good Form for Dry Agents + During a Raid-What the New York Clubman Said About Mr. Volstead. + + VI. A CHAPTER FOR SCHOOLGIRLS + Selecting a Proper School--Account of an Interesting Trip Down + the Eric Canal with Miss Spence--Correct Equipment for the + Schoolgirl--En Route--ln New York--A journey Around the + City--Description of the Visit of Ed. Pinaud to the Aquarium in + 1858--The First Days in the New School--"After Lights" in a + Dormitory--An "Old Schoolgirl's" Confessions--Becoming + Acclimatized--A Visitor from Princeton-Strange Pets. + + VIIS. THE ETIQUETTE OF GAMES AND SPORTS + Golf as a Pastime--What Henry Ward Beecher Said When He Broke His + Niblic--An Afternoon at the Old Farm with the Dice--"Shoot you + for your ear trumpet, grandfather!"--Correct Behavior on a + Picnic--A Swedish Nobleman's Curious Method of Eating Potato + Chips--Boxing in American Society--A Good Joke on an Amateur + Boxer--"He didn't know it was Jack Dempsey!"--Bridge + Whist--Formal and Informal Drinking--A jolly Hallowe'en + Party--Invitations--Receiving the Guests--How to + Mystify--Games. + + VIII. CORRESPONDENCE AND INVITATIONS + Correspondence for Young Ladies--College Boys How to Order a Full + Dress Suit by Mail--Letters to Parents--A Prominent Retired + Bank President's Advice to Correspondents--Letters from + Parents--Peculiarities of the Divorce Laws of New York--Letters + to Prospective Fathers-in-Law--A Correct Form of Letter to a + Society Matron Asking Her How About that Grocery Bill for + Eighty-Two Dollars and Sixty-Seven Cents--Love + Letters--Correspondence of Public Officials---Letters to + Strangers--Letters to Newspapers, Magazines, etc.--Invitations, + Acceptances and Regrets. + + IX. THE ETIQUETTE OF DINNERS AND BALLS + Formal Dinners in America-Table Manners for Children--Removing + Stains from Gray Silk--A Child's Garden of Etiquette--Etiquette + in the School--Conversation at Dinner--What a New Jersey Lady Did + with Her Olive Seeds--Stewart's Lightning Calculator of Dinner + Table Conversation--"It Seems that Pat and Mike"--Balls and + Dances---Artificial Respiration--Mixed Dancing--Hints for Stags. + + A Word of Warning and Encouragement + + + + + +CHAPTER ONE: THE ETIQUETTE OF COURTSHIP + + +A FEW WORDS ABOUT LOVE + +Courtship is one of the oldest of social customs, even antedating in +some countries such long-established usages as marriage, or the wearing +of white neckties with full evening dress. The beginnings of the +etiquette of courtship were apparently connected in some way with the +custom of "love" between the sexes, and many of the old amatory forms +still survive in the modern courtship. It is generally agreed among +students of the history of etiquette that when "love" first began to +become popular among the better class of younger people they took to it +with such avidity that it was necessary to devise some sort of rules +for the conduct of formal or informal love-making. These rules, together +with various amendments, now constitute the etiquette of courtship. + +Suppose, for example, that you are a young gentleman named Richard Roe +desirous of entering upon a formal courtship with some refined young +girl of fashion. You are also, being a college graduate, engaged in the +bond business. One morning there comes into your financial institution +a young lady, named Dorothy Doe, who at once attracts your attention +by her genteel manners, as exemplified by the fact that she calls the +president of your company "father." So many young people seem to think +it "smart" to refer to their parents as "dad" or "my old man"; you are +certain, as soon as you hear her say "Hello, father" to your employer, +that she is undoubtedly a worthy object of courtship. + + +CORRECT INTRODUCTIONS; HOW TO MAKE THEM + +Your first step should be, of course, the securing of an introduction. +Introductions still play an important part in social intercourse, and +many errors are often perpetrated by those ignorant of savoir faire +(correct form). When introducing a young lady to a stranger for example, +it is not au fait (correct form) to simply say, "Mr. Roe, I want you to +shake hands with my friend Dorothy." Under the rules of the beau monde +(correct form) this would probably be done as follows: "Dorothy (or Miss +Doe), shake hands with Mr. Roe." Always give the name of the lady first, +unless you are introducing some one to the President of the United +States, the Archbishop of Canterbury, a member of the nobility above a +baron, or a customer. The person who is being "introduced" then extends +his (or her) right ungloved hand and says, "Shake." You "shake," saying +at the same time, "It's warm (cool) for November (May)," to which the +other replies, "I'll say it is." + +This brings up the interesting question of introducing two people to +each other, neither of whose names you can remember. This is generally +done by saying very quickly to one of the parties, "Of course you know +Miss Unkunkunk." Say the last "unk" very quickly, so that it sounds like +any name from Ab to Zinc. You might even sneeze violently. Of course, in +nine cases out of ten, one of the two people will at once say, "I didn't +get the name," at which you laugh, "Ha! Ha! Ha!" in a carefree manner +several times, saying at the same time, "Well, well--so you didn't +get the name--you didn't get the name--well, well." If the man still +persists in wishing to know who it is to whom he is being introduced, +the best procedure consists in simply braining him on the spot with a +club or convenient slab of paving stone. + +The "introduction," in cases where you have no mutual friend to do the +introducing, is somewhat more difficult but can generally be arranged as +follows: + +Procure a few feet of stout manila rope or clothes-line, from any of +the better-class hardware stores. Ascertain (from the Social Register, +preferably) the location of the young lady's residence, and go there +on some dark evening about nine o'clock. Fasten the rope across the +sidewalk in front of the residence about six inches or a foot from the +ground. Then, with the aid of a match and some kerosene, set fire to +the young lady's house in several places and retire behind a convenient +tree. After some time, if she is at home, she will probably be forced to +run out of her house to avoid being burned to death. In her excitement +she will fail to notice the rope which you have stretched across +the sidewalk and will fall. This is your opportunity to obtain an +introduction. Stepping up to her and touching your hat politely, you +say, in a well modulated voice, "I beg your pardon, Miss Doe, but I +cannot help noticing that you are lying prone on the sidewalk." If she +is well bred, she will not at first speak to you, as you are a perfect +stranger. This silence, however, should be your cue to once more tip +your hat and remark, "I realize, Miss Doe, that I have not had the honor +of an introduction, but you will admit that you are lying prone on the +sidewalk. Here is my card--and here is one for Mrs. Doe, your mother." +At that you should hand her two plain engraved calling cards, each +containing your name and address. If there are any other ladies in her +family--aunts, grandmothers, et cetera--it is correct to leave cards for +them also. Be sure that the cards are clean, as the name on the calling +card is generally sufficient for identification purposes without the +addition of the thumbprint. + +When she has accepted your cards, she will give you one of hers, after +which it will be perfectly correct for you to assist her to rise from +the sidewalk. Do not, however, press your attentions further upon her at +this time, but after expressing the proper regret over her misfortune it +would be well to bow and retire. + + +{illustration caption = Every one knows that table manners betray one's +bringing-up mercilessly. The young man in the picture has good reason to +wish a meteorite would fall on him. His perpendicularity has just been +restored by a deft upward movement of Aunt Harriet's shoulder, upon +which he had inadvertently rested his head during a quiet snooze while +Cousin Edna was making her little speech at the Bridal Dinner. PERFECT +BEHAVIOR would have Pasteurized him against even Bridal Dinners.} + + +{illustration caption = When a woman recognizes and nods to a man to +whom she has been formally introduced several times, or to whom she has +been married, is the man expected to accept the greeting and politely +lift his hat or should he lift both his hat and his toupee? Street +etiquette is disposed authoritatively and finally in PERFECT BEHAVIOR.} + +{illustration caption = You are, let us pretend, walking in the park. +You come upon two benches arranged as shown in the above diagram. Would +you know which bench it would be proper to sit on if you are (1) a +young man just out of college--(2) a rather homely young woman? To avoid +embarrassment look this up in PERFECT BEHAVIOR.} + + +{illustration caption = A jolly crowd is boarding the 4:56 for a +house-party in the suburbs. The gentleman at the right, having been +educated abroad, has never learned to play the ukelele, the banjo, the +jew's harp or the saxophone, and is, with the best intentions in the +world, attempting to contribute his share to the gaiety of the coming +evenings by bringing along his player-piano. Would you--be honest!--have +recognized his action as a serious social blunder without having +referred to PERFECT BEHAVIOR?} + + +{illustration caption = The young mother in the picture is traveling +from one point to another in a Pullman. In the effort to commit as great +a nuisance as possible, she has provided her child with a banana and a +hard boiled egg. Not having dipped into the chapter on travel in PERFECT +BEHAVIOR, she is ignorant of the fact that a peach would have produced +quite as much mess and far more permanent stains and a folding cup for +the water cooler would have spread the disturbance over a wider area.} + + + +CARDS AND FLOWERS + +The next day, however, you should send flowers, enclosing another of +your cards. It might be well to write some message on the card recalling +the events of the preceding evening--nothing intimate, but simply a +reminder of your first meeting and a suggestion that you might possibly +desire to continue the acquaintanceship. Quotations from poetry of the +better sort are always appropriate; thus, on this occasion, it might +be nice to write on the card accompanying the flowers--"'This is the +forest primeval'--H. W. Longfellow," or "'Take, oh take, those lips +away'--W. Shakespeare." You will find there are hundreds of lines +equally appropriate for this and other occasions, and in this +connection it might be well to display a little originality at times by +substituting pertinent verses of your own in place of the conventional +quotations. For example--"This is the forest primeval, I regret your +last evening's upheaval," shows the young lady in question that not only +are you well-read in classic poetry, but also you have no mean talent +of your own. Too much originality, however, is dangerous, especially in +polite social intercourse, and I need hardly remind you that the floors +of the social ocean are watered with the tears of those who seek to walk +on their own hook. + +Within a week after you have sent the young lady the flowers, you should +receive a polite note of thanks, somewhat as follows: "My dear Mr. Roe: +Those lovely flowers came quite as a surprise. They are lovely, and I +cannot thank you enough for your thoughtfulness. Their lovely fragrance +fills my room as I write, and I wish to thank you again. It was lovely +of you." + + +FLOWERS AND THEIR MESSAGE IN COURTSHIP + +It is now time to settle down to the more serious business of courtship. +Her letter shows beyond the shadow of a figurative doubt that she is +"interested," and the next move is "up to you." Probably she will soon +come into the office to see her father, in which case you should have +ready at hand some appropriate gift, such as, for example, a nice potted +geranium. Great care should be taken, however, that it is a plant of +the correct species, for in the etiquette of courtship all flowers have +different meanings and many a promising affair has been ruined because +a suitor sent his lady a buttercup, meaning "That's the last dance I'll +ever take you to, you big cow," instead of a plant with a more tender +significance. Some of the commoner flowers and their meaning in +courtship are as follows: + +Fringed Gentian--"I am going out to get a shave. Back at 3:30." + +Poppy--"I would be proud to be the father of your children." + +Golden-rod--"I hear that you have hay-fever." + +Tuberose--"Meet me Saturday at the Fourteenth Street subway station." + +Blood-root--"Aunt Kitty murdered Uncle Fred Thursday." + +Dutchman's Breeches--"That case of Holland gin and Old Tailor has +arrived. Come on over." + +Iris--"Could you learn to love an optician?" + +Aster--"Who was that stout Jewish-looking party I saw you with in the +hotel lobby Friday?" + +Deadly Nightshade--"Pull down those blinds, quick!" + +Passion Flower--"Phone Main 1249--ask for Eddie." + +Raspberry--"I am announcing my engagement to Charlie O'Keefe Tuesday." + +Wild Thyme--"I have seats for the Hippodrome Saturday afternoon." + + +The above flowers can also be combined to make different meanings, as, +for example, a bouquet composed of three tuberoses and some Virginia +creeper generally signifies the following, "The reason I didn't call for +you yesterday was that I had three inner tube punctures, besides a lot +of engine trouble in that old car I bought in Virginia last year. Gosh, +I'm sorry!" + +But to return to the etiquette of our present courtship. As Miss Doe +leaves the office you follow her, holding the potted plant in your left +hand. After she has gone a few paces you step up to her, remove your hat +(or cap) with your right hand, and offer her the geranium, remarking, "I +beg your pardon, miss, but didn't you drop this?" A great deal depends +upon the manner in which you offer the plant and the way she receives +it. If you hand it to her with the flower pointing upward it means, +"Dare I hope?" Reversed, it signifies, "Your petticoat shows about an +inch, or an inch and a half." If she receives the plant in her right +hand, it means, "I am"; left hand, "You are"; both hands--"He, she or it +is." If, however, she takes the pot firmly in both hands and breaks it +with great force on your head, the meaning is usually negative and your +only correct course of procedure is a hasty bow and a brief apology. + + +RECEIVING AN INVITATION TO CALL + +Let us suppose, however, that she accepts the geranium in such a manner +that you are encouraged to continue the acquaintance. Your next move +should be a request for an invitation to call upon her at her home. This +should, above all things, not be done crudely. It is better merely to +suggest your wish by some indirect method such as, "Oh--so you live +on William Street. Well, well! I often walk on William Street in the +evening, but I have never called on any girl there--YET." The "yet" +may be accompanied by a slight raising of your eyebrows, a wink, or a +friendly nudge with your elbow. Unless she is unusually "dense" she +will probably "take the hint" and invite you to come and see her some +evening. At once you should say, "WHAT evening? How about TO-NIGHT?" If +she says that she is already engaged for that evening, take a calendar +out of your pocket and remark, "Tomorrow? Wednesday? Thursday? Friday? +I really have no engagements between now and October. Saturday? Sunday?" +This will show her that you are really desirous of calling upon her and +she will probably say, "Well, I think I am free Thursday night, but you +had better telephone me first." + + +THE ETIQUETTE OF TELEPHONING + +On Thursday morning, therefore, you should go to a public +telephone-booth in order to call the young lady's house. The etiquette +of telephoning is quite important and many otherwise perfectly well-bred +people often make themselves conspicuous because they do not know +the correct procedure in using this modern but almost indispensable +invention. Upon entering the telephone-booth, which is located, say, in +some drug store, you remove the receiver from the hook and deposit the +requisite coin in the coin box. After an interval of some minutes +a young lady (referred to as "Central") will ask for your "Number, +please." Suppose, for example, that you wish to get Bryant 4310. Remove +your hat politely and speak that number into the mouthpiece. +"Central" will then say, "Rhinelander 4310." To which you reply, "NO, +Central--BRYANT 4310." Central then says, "I beg your pardon--Bryant +4310," to which you reply, "Yes, please." In a few minutes a voice at +the other end of the line says, "Hello," to which you answer, "Is +Miss Doe at home?" The voice then says, "Who?" You say, "Miss Doe, +please--Miss Dorothy Doe." You then hear the following, "Wait a minute. +Say, Charlie, is they anybody works around here by the name of Doe? +There's a guy wants to talk to a Miss Doe. Here--you answer it." Another +voice then says, "Hello." You reply "Hello." He says, "What do you +want?" You reply, "I wish to speak to Miss Dorothy Doe." He says, "What +department does she work in?" You reply, "Is this the residence of J. +Franklin Doe, President of the First National Bank?" He says, "Wait a +minute." You wait a minute. You wait several. Another voice--a new voice +says-"Hello." You reply "Hello." He says, "Give me Stuyvesant 8864." You +say, "But I'm trying to get Miss Doe--Miss Dorothy Doe." He says, "Who?" +You say, "Is this the residence of--" He says, "Naw--this is Goebel +Brothers, Wholesale Grocers--what number do you want?" You say, "Bryant +4310." He says, "Well, this is Rhinelander 4310." You then hang up the +receiver and count twenty. The telephone bell then rings, and inasmuch +as you are the only person near the phone you take up the receiver and +say, "Hello." A female voice, says, "Hello, dearie--don't you know who +this is?" You say, politely but firmly, "No." She says, "Guess!" You +guess "Mrs. Warren G. Harding." She says, "No. This is Ethel. Is Walter +there?" You reply, "Walter?" She says, "Ask him to come to the phone, +will you? He lives up-stairs over the drug store. Just yell 'Walter' at +the third door down the hall. Tell him Ethyl wants to speak to him--no, +wait--tell him it's Madge." Being a gentleman, you comply with the +lady's request. After bringing Walter to the phone, you obligingly wait +for some twenty minutes while he converses with Ethel--no, Madge. When +he has finished, you once more enter the booth and tell "Central" you +want Bryant 4310. After a few minutes "Central" says, "What number did +you call?" You say patiently, "Bryant 4310." She replies, "Bryant 4310 +has been changed to Schuyler 6372." You ask for Schuyler 6372. Finally +a woman's voice says, "Yass." You say, "Is Miss Doe in?" She replies, +"Yass." You say, "May I speak to her?" She says, "Who?" You reply, "You +said Miss Doe was at home, didn't you?" She replies, "Yass." You say, +"Well, may I speak to her?" The voice says, "Who?" You shout, "Miss +Doe." The voice says, "She ban out." You shriek, "Oh, go to hell!" and +assuming a graceful, easy position in the booth, you proceed to tear the +telephone from the wall. Later on in the day, when you have two or three +hours of spare time, you can telephone Miss Doe again and arrange for +the evening's visit. + + +MAKING THE FIRST CALL + +The custom of social "calls" between young men and young women is one +of the prettiest of etiquette's older conventions, and one around which +clusters a romantic group of delightful traditions. In this day and +generation, what with horseless carriages, electric telephones and +telegraphs, and dirigible gas bags, a great many of the older forms have +been allowed to die out, greatly, I believe, to our discredit. "Speed, +not manners," seems to be the motto of this century. I hope that there +still exist a few young men who care enough about "good form" to study +carefully to perfect themselves in the art of "calling." Come, Tom, Dick +and Harry--drop your bicycles for an afternoon and fill your minds with +something besides steam engines and pneumatic tires! + +The first call at the home of any young lady of fashion is an extremely +important social function, and too great care can not be taken that you +prepare yourself thoroughly in advance. It would be well to leave your +work an hour or two earlier in the afternoon, so that you can go +home and practice such necessary things as entering or leaving a room +correctly. Most young men are extremely careless in this particular, and +unless you rehearse yourself thoroughly in the proper procedure you are +apt to find later on to your dismay that you have made your exit through +a window onto the fire-escape instead of through the proper door. + + +CONVERSATION AND SOME OF ITS USES + +Your conversation should also be planned more or less in advance. Select +some topic in which you think your lady friend will be interested, such +as, for example, the removal of tonsils and adenoids, and "read up" on +the subject so that you can discuss it in an intelligent manner. Find +out, for example, how many people had tonsils removed in February, +March, April. Contrast this with the same figures for 1880, 1890, 1900. +Learn two or three amusing anecdotes about adenoids. Consult Bartlett's +"Familiar Quotations" for appropriate verses dealing with tonsils and +throat troubles. Finally, and above all, take time to glance through +four or five volumes of Dr. Eliot's Five Foot Shelf, for nothing so +completely marks the cultivated man as the ability to refer familiarly +to the various volumes of the Harvard classics. + + +A PROPER CALL + +Promptly at the time appointed you should arrive at the house where the +young lady is staying. In answer to your ring a German police dog will +begin to bark furiously inside the house, and a maid will finally come +to the door. Removing your hat and one glove, you say, "Is Miss Doe +home?" The maid replies, "Yass, ay tank so." You give her your card and +the dog rushes out and bites you on either the right or left leg. You +are then ushered into a room in which is seated an old man with a long +white beard. He is fast asleep. "Dot's grampaw," says the maid, to which +you reply, "Oh." She retires, leaving you alone with grampaw. After a +while he opens his eyes and stares at you for a few minutes. He then +says, "Did the dog bite you?" You answer, "Yes, sir." Grampaw then says, +"He bites everybody," and goes back to sleep. Reassured, you light +a cigaret. A little boy and girl then come to the door, and, after +examining you carefully for several minutes, they burst into giggling +laughter and run away. You feel to see if you have forgotten to put on +a necktie. A severe looking old lady then enters the room. You rise and +bow. "I am Miss Doe's grandmother. Some one has been smoking in here," +she says, and sits down opposite you. Her remark is not, however, a hint +for a cigaret and you should not make the mistake of saying, "I've only +got Fatimas, but if you care to try one--" It should be your aim to +seek to impress yourself favorably upon every member of the young lady's +family. Try to engage the grandmother in conversation, taking care to +select subjects in which you feel she would be interested. Conversation +is largely the art of "playing up" to the other person's favorite +subject. In this particular case, for example, it would be a mistake +to say to Miss Doe's grandmother, "Have you ever tried making synthetic +gin?" or "Do you think any one will EVER lick Dempsey?" A more +experienced person, and some one who had studied the hobbies of old +people, would probably begin by remarking, "Well, I see that Jeremiah +Smith died of cancer Thursday," or "That was a lovely burial they gave +Mrs. Watts, wasn't it?" If you are tactful, you should soon win the old +lady's favor completely, so that before long she will tell you all about +her rheumatism and what grampaw can and can't eat. + +Finally Miss Doe arrives. Her first words are, "Have you been waiting +long? Hilda didn't tell me you were here," to which you reply, "No--I +just arrived." She then says, "Shall we go in the drawing-room?" The +answer to this is, "For God's sake, yes!" In a few minutes you find +yourself alone in the drawing-room with the lady of your choice and the +courtship proper can then begin. + +The best way to proceed is gradually to bring the conversation around to +the subject of the "modern girl." After your preliminary remarks about +tonsils and adenoids have been thoroughly exhausted, you should suddenly +say, "Well I don't think girls--nice girls--are really that way." She +replies, of course, "WHAT way?" You answer, "Oh, the way they are in +these modern novels. This 'petting,' for instance." She says, "WHAT +petting'?" You walk over and sit down on the sofa beside her. "Oh," +you say, "these novelists make me sick--they seem to think that in our +generation every time a young man and woman are left alone on a lounge +together, they haven't a thing better to do than put out the light and +'pet.' It's disgusting, isn't it?" "Isn't it?" she agrees and reaching +over she accidentally pulls the lamp cord, which puts out the light. + +On your first visit you should not stay after 12:30. + + +THE PROPOSAL PROPER + +About the second or third month of a formal courtship it is customary +for the man to propose matrimony, and if the girl has been "out" for +three or four years and has several younger sisters coming along, it +is customary for her to accept him. They then become "engaged," and the +courtship is concluded. + + + +CHAPTER TWO: THE ETIQUETTE OF ENGAGEMENTS AND WEDDINGS + +THE HISTORIC ASPECT + +"Matrimony," sings Homer, the poet, "is a holy estate and not lightly to +be entered into." The "old Roman" is right. + +A modern wedding is one of the most intricate and exhausting of social +customs. Young men and women of our better classes are now forced to +devote a large part of their lives to acting as brides, grooms, ushers +and bridesmaids at various elaborate nuptials. Weeks are generally +required in preparation for an up-to-date wedding; months are necessary +in recovering from such an affair. Indeed, some of the participants, +notably the bride and groom, never quite get over the effects of a +marriage. + +It was not "always thus." Time was when the wedding was a comparatively +simple affair. In the Paleolithic Age, for example, (as Mr. H. G. Wells +of England points out in his able "Outline of History"), there is no +evidence of any particular ceremony conjunctive with the marriage of +"a male and a female." Even with the advent of Neolithic man, a wedding +seems to have been consummated by the rather simple process of having +the bridegroom crack the bride over the head with a plain, unornamented +stone ax. There were no ushers--no bridesmaids. But shortly after that +(c- 10,329--30 B.C. to be exact) two young Neoliths named Haig, living +in what is now supposed to be Scotland, discovered that the prolonged +distillation of common barley resulted in the creation of an +amber-colored liquid which, when taken internally, produced a curious +and not unpleasant effect. + +This discovery had--and still has--a remarkable effect upon the +celebration of the marriage rite. Gradually there grew up around the +wedding a number of customs. With the Haig brothers' discovery of Scotch +whiskey began, as a matter of course, the institution of the "bachelor +dinner." "Necessity is the mother of invention," and exactly twelve +years after the first "bachelor dinner" came the discovery of +bicarbonate of soda. From that time down to the present day the history +of the etiquette of weddings has been that of an increasing number of +intricate forms and ceremonies, each age having added its particular bit +of ritual. The modern wedding may be said to be, therefore, almost an +"Outline of History" itself. + + +ANNOUNCING THE ENGAGEMENT + +LET us begin, first of all, with the duties of one of the minor +characters at a wedding--the Groom. Suppose that you are an eligible +young man named Richard Roe, who has just become "engaged" to a young +lady named Dorothy Doe. If you really intend to "marry the girl," it is +customary that some formal announcement of the engagement be made, for +which you must have the permission of Miss Dorothy and her father. It +is not generally difficult to become engaged to most girls, but it will +surprise you to discover how hard it is to get the young lady whom you +believe to be your fiancee to consent to a public announcement of the +fact. The reason for this probably is that an engagement which has been +"announced" often leads to matrimony, and matrimony, in polite society, +often lasts for several years. After you have secured the girl's +permission, it is next necessary that you notify her father of the +engagement. In this particular case, as he happens to be your employer, +the notification can take place in his office. First of all, however, it +would be advisable to prepare some sort of speech in advance. Aim to put +him as far as possible at his ease, lead up to the subject gradually and +tactfully. Abruptness is never "good form." The following is suggested +as a possible model. "Good morning, Mr. Doe, say, I heard a good story +from a traveling salesman last night. It seems that there was a young +married couple--(here insert a good story about a young married +couple). Wasn't that RICH? Yes, sir, marriage is a great thing--a great +institution. Every young man ought to get married, don't you think? You +do? Well, Mr. Doe, I've got a surprise for you, (here move toward the +door). I'm going to (here open the door) marry (step out of the room) +your daughter" (close the door quickly). + + +THE BRIDE-TO-BE + +Before the public announcement of the engagement it is customary for the +bride-to-be to write personal letters to all other young men to whom +she happens to be engaged at the time. These notes should be kindly, +sympathetic and tactful. The same note can be written to all, provided +there is no chance of their comparing notes. The following is suggested: + +"Dear Bob-- + +Bob, I want you to be the very first to know that I am engaged to +Richard Roe. I want you to like him, Bob, because he is a fine fellow +and I would rather have you like him than any one I know. I feel that +he and I shall be very happy together, and I want you to be the first to +know about it. Your friendship will always remain one of the brightest +things in my life, Bob, but, of course, I probably won't be able to go +to the Aiken dance with you now. Please don't tell anybody about it yet. +I shall never forget the happy times you and I had together, Bob, and +will you please return those silly letters of mine. I am sending you +yours." + + +{illustration caption = Nothing so completely betrays the "Cockney" as a +faulty knowledge of sporting terms. The young lady at the left has just +returned from the hunting field hand-in-hand with the dashing "lead," +who happens to be an eligible billionaire. Her hostess, the mother of +the sub-deb at the right, has greeted her by hissing, "S--o--o! I +see you've had a good day's hunting!" The use of this unsportsmanlike +expression--in stead of the correct "Hope you had a good run," or "Where +did you find?"--at once discloses the hostess's mean origin and the +young lady will almost certainly never accept another invitation to her +house.} + +{illustration caption = In this work-a-day world, one is likely to +forget that there is an etiquette of pleasure, just as there is an +etiquette of dancing or the opera. One often hears a charming hostess +refuse to invite this or that person to her home for a game of billiards +on the ground that he or she is a "bum sport" or a "rotten loser." The +above scene illustrates one of the little, but conspicuous, blunders +that people make. The gentleman, having missed his fifth consecutive +shot, has broken his cue over his knee and is ripping the baize off the +table with the sharp end. This display is not in the best taste. + +{illustration caption = Good form at the beach is still a question of +debate. Some authorities on the subject insist that the Rubenesque +type is preferable, while others claim that the Byzantine is more +fashionable. One thing is certain--it is absolutely incorrect for ladies +who weigh less than 75 or more than 275 pounds (avoirdupois) to appear +in costumes that would offend against modesty. It is also considered +rude to hold one's swimming partner under water for more then the formal +quarter of an hour.} + + +THE ENGAGEMENT LUNCHEON + +THE engagement is generally announced at a luncheon given by the parents +of the prospective bride. This is usually a small affair, only fifteen +or twenty of the most intimate friends of the engaged "couple" being +invited. It is one of the customs of engagement luncheons that all +the guests shall be tremendously surprised at the news, and great care +should be taken to aid them in carrying out this tradition. On the +invitations, for example, should be written some misleading phrase, such +as "To meet General Pershing" or "Not to Announce the Engagement of our +Daughter." + +The announcement itself which should be made soon after the guests are +seated, offers a splendid opportunity for the display of originality +and should aim to afford the guest a surprise and perhaps a laugh, for +laughter of a certain quiet kind is often welcome at social functions. +One of the most favored methods of announcing an engagement is by the +use of symbolic figures embodying the names of the affianced pair. Thus, +for example, in the case of the present engagement of Richard Roe to +Dorothy Doe it would be "unique" to have the first course at luncheon +consist of a diminutive candy or paper-mache doe seated amorously upon a +heart shaped order of a shad roe. The guests will at first be mystified, +but soon cries of "Oh, how sweet!" will arise and congratulations are +then in order. Great care should be taken, however, that the symbolic +figures are not misunderstood; it would be extremely embarrassing, +for example, if in the above instance, a young man named "Shad" or +"Aquarium" were to receive the congratulations instead of the proper +person. Other suggestions for symbolistic announcements of some of the +more common names are as follows: + +"Cohan-O'Brien"--ice cream cones on a plate of O'Brien potatoes. + +"Ames-Green--green ice cream in the shape of a man aiming at something. + +"Thorne-Hoyt--figure of a man from Brooklyn pulling a thorn from foot +with expression on his face signifying "This hoits." + +"Bullitt-Bartlett--bartlett pears full of small 22 or 33 calibre +bullets. + +"Tweed-Ellis"--frosted cake in the shape of Ellis Island with a solitary +figure of a man in a nice fitting tweed suit. + +"Gordon-Fuller"--two paper-mache figures--one representing a young man +full of Gordon gin, the other representing a young man fuller. + +"Hatch-Gillette"--figure of a chicken surprised at having hatched a +safety razor. + +"Graves-Colgate"--figure of a man brushing his teeth in a cemetery. + +"Heinz-Fish"--57 assorted small fish tastily arranged on one plate. + + +SELECTING THE BRIDAL PARTY + +AS soon as the engagement has been announced it is the duty of +the prospective bride to select a maid-of-honor and eight or ten +bridesmaids, while the groom must choose his best man and ushers. In +making these selections it should be carefully borne in mind that no +wedding party is complete without the following: + +1 bridesmaid who danced twice with the Prince of Wales. + +2 Bridesmaids who never danced more than once with anybody. + +1 bridesmaid who doesn't "Pet." + +1 bridesmaid who was expelled from Miss Spence's. + +1 bridesmaid who talks "Southern." + +1 bridesmaid who met Douglas Fairbanks once. + +1 bridesmaid who rowed on the crew at Wellesley. + +1 usher who doesn't drink anything. + +9 ushers who drink anything. + + +In some localities, following the announcement, it is customary for the +bride's friends, to give for her a number of "showers." These are for +the purpose of providing her with various necessities for her wedded +household life. These affairs should be informal and only her dearest +or wealthiest friends should be invited. A clever bride will generally +arrange secretly for several of these "showers" by promising a certain +percentage (usually 15% of the gross up to $500.00 and 25% bonus on all +over that amount) to the friend who gives the party. Some of the more +customary "showers" of common household articles for the new bride are +toothpaste, milk of magnesia, screen doors, copies of Service's poems, +Cape Cod lighters, pictures of "Age of Innocence" and back numbers of +the "Atlantic Monthly." + + +INVITATIONS AND WEDDING PRESENTS + +The proper time to send out invitations to a wedding is between two +and three weeks before the day set for the ceremony, although the +out-of-town invitations should be mailed in plenty of time to allow the +recipient to purchase and forward a suitable present. As the gifts are +received, a check mark should be placed after the name of the donor, +together with a short description of the present and an estimate as +to its probable cost. This list is to be used later, at the wedding +reception, in determining the manner in which the bride is to greet the +various guests. It has been found helpful by many brides to devise some +sort of memory system whereby certain names immediately suggest certain +responses, thus: + +"Mr. Snodgrass--copy of 'Highways and Byways in Old France'"--c. +$6.50--"how do you do, Mr. Snodgrass, have you met my mother?" + +"Mr. Brackett--Solid silver candlesticks--$68.50"--"hello, Bob, you old +peach. How about a kiss?" + +The real festivities of a wedding start about three days before the +ceremony, with the arrival of the "wedding party," in which party the +most responsible position is that of best man. Let us suppose that you +are to be the best man at the Roe-Doe nuptials. What are your duties? + +In the first place, you must prepare yourself for the wedding by a +course of training extending for over a month or more prior to the +actual event. It should be your aim to work yourself into such a +condition that you can go for three nights without sleep, talk for hours +to the most impossibly stupid of young women, and consume an unending +amount of alcohol. You are then prepared for the bachelor dinner, the +bridal dinner, the bridesmaids, the wedding, and the wedding reception. + + +DUTIES OF THE BEST MAN + +Upon your arrival in the city where the wedding is to take place you +will be met by the bridegroom, who will take you to the home of the +bride where you are to stay. There you are met by the bride's father. +"This is my best man," says the groom. "The best man?" replies her +father. "Well, may the best man win." At once you reply, "Ha! Ha! +Ha!" He then says, "Is this your first visit to Chicago?" to which the +correct answer is, "Yes, sir, but I hope it isn't my last." + +The bride's mother then appears. "This is my best man," says the groom. +"Well," says she, "remember--the best man doesn't always win." "Ha! Ha! +Ha!" you at once reply. "Is this your first visit to Chicago?" says she, +to which you answer, "Yes--but I hope it isn't my last." + +You are then conducted to your room, where you are left alone to unpack. +In a few minutes the door will open and a small boy enter. This is the +brother of the bride. You smile at him pleasantly and remark, "Is this +your first visit to Chicago?" "What are you doing?" is his answer. +"Unpacking," you reply. "What's that?" says he. "A cutaway," you reply. +"What's that?" says he. "A collar bag." "What's that?" "A dress shirt." +"What's that?" says he. "Another dress shirt." "What's that?" says he. +"Say, listen," you reply, "don't I hear some one calling you?" "No," +says he, "what's that?" "That," you reply, with a sigh of relief, "is +a razor. Here--take it and play with it." In three minutes, if you have +any luck at all, the bride's brother will have cut himself severely in +several places which will cause him to run crying from the room. You can +then finish unpacking. + + +THE BRIDE'S TEA + +The first function of the pre-nuptial festivities is generally a tea +at the bride's home, where the ushers and bridesmaids meet to become +"acquainted." It is your duty, as best man, to go to the hotel where the +ushers are stopping and bring them to this tea. Just as you will leave +on this mission the groom will whisper in your ear, "For God's sake, +remember to tell them that her father and mother are terribly opposed +to drinking in any form." This is an awfully good joke on her father and +mother. + +As you step out of the hotel elevator you hear at the end of the hall a +chorus shouting, "Mademoiselle from Armentieres--parlez vous!" Those are +your ushers. + +Opening the door of the room you step forward and announce, "Fellows, +we have got to go to a tea right away. Come on--let's go." At this, +ten young men in cutaways will stand up and shout, "Yeaaa--the best +man--give the best man a drink!" From then on, at twelve minute +intervals, it is your duty to say, "Fellows, we have got to go to a tea +right away. Come on--let's go." Each time you will be handed another +drink, which you may take with either your right or left hand. + +After an hour the telephone will ring. It will be the groom. He will +say, "Everybody is waiting for you and the ushers," to which you reply, +"We are just leaving." He then says, "And don't forget to tell them what +I told you about her father and mother." + +You then hang up the receiver, take a drink in one hand and say, +"Fellows, I have a very solemn message for you. It's a message which +is of deep importance to each one of us. Fellows--her father and mother +object to the use of alcohol in any form." + +This statement will be greeted with applause and cheers. You will all +then take one more drink, put on your silk hats and gray gloves, and +leave the room singing, "Her father and mother object to drink--parlez +vous." + +The tea given by the bride's parents is generally a small affair to +which only the members of the wedding party are invited. When you and +the ushers arrive, you will find the bride, the maid of honor and the +bridesmaids waiting for you. As you enter the room, make a polite bow +to the bride's father and mother, and be sure to apologize for your +lateness. Nothing so betrays the social "oil can" as a failure to make +a plausible excuse for tardiness. Whenever you are late for a party you +must always have ready some good reason for your fault, such as, "Excuse +me, Mrs. Doe, I'm afraid I am a little late, but you see, just as I was +dressing, this filling dropped out of my tooth and I had to have it put +back in." If the host and hostess seem to doubt your statement, it would +be well to show them the recalcitrant filling in question, although if +they are "well-bred" they will probably in most cases take you at your +word. + + +THE MAID OF HONOR + +You and the ushers will then be introduced to the bridesmaids and the +maid of honor. As you meet this latter young lady, who is the bride's +older sister and, of course, your partner for the remainder of the +wedding festivities, she will say, "The best man? Well, they say that +the best man wins... Ha! Ha! Ha!" This puts her in class G 6 without +further examination, and your only hope of prolonging your life +throughout the next two days lies in the frequent and periodic +administration of stimulants. + + +THE BACHELOR DINNER AND AFTER + +That evening the groom gives for the best man and the ushers what is +known as a "bachelor dinner." It is his farewell to his men friends +as he passes out of the state of bachelorhood. The formal passing out +generally occurs toward the end of the dinner, and is a quaint ceremony +participated in by most of those present. + +It is customary for the best man to wake up about noon of the following +day. You will not have the slightest idea as to where you are or how +you got there. You will be wearing your dress trousers, your stiff or +pleated bosom dress shirt, black socks and pumps, and the coat of your +pajamas. In one hand you will be clutching a chrysanthemum. After a few +minutes there will come a low moan from the next bed. That is usually +the groom, also in evening dress with the exception that he has tried +to put on the trousers of your pajamas over his dress trousers. You then +say, "What happened?" to which he replies, "Oh, Judas." You wait several +minutes. In the next room you hear the sound of a shower bath and some +one whistling. The bath stops; the whistling continues. The door then +opens and there enters one of the ushers. He is the usher who always +"feels great" the next day after the bachelor dinner. He says to you, +"Well, boys, you look all in." You do not reply. He continues, "Gosh, +I feel fine." You make no response. He then begins to chuckle, "I don't +suppose you remember," he says, "what you said to the bride's mother +when I brought you home last night." You sit quickly up in bed. "What +did I say?" you ask. "Was I tight?" "Were you tight?" he replies, still +chuckling. "Don't you remember what you said? And don't you remember +trying to get the bride's father to slide down the banisters with you? +Were you tight--Oh, my gosh!" He then exits, chuckling. Statistics of +several important life insurance companies show that that type of man +generally dies a violent death before the age of thirty. + + +THE REHEARSAL + +The rehearsal for the wedding is usually held in the church on the +afternoon preceding the day of the nuptials. The ushers, of course, are +an hour late, which gives the bridegroom (Bap.) an opportunity to meet +the minister (Epis.) and have a nice, long chat about religion, while +the best man (Atheist) talks to the eighty-three year old sexton who +buried the bride's grandpa and grandma and has knowed little Miss +Dorothy come twenty years next Michaelmas. The best man's offer of +twenty-five dollars, if the sexton will at once bury the maid of honor, +is generally refused as a matter of courtesy. + + +THE BRIDAL DINNER + +In the evening, the parents of the bride give the bridal dinner, to +which all the relatives and close friends of the family are invited. +Toasts are drunk in orange juice and rare old Virginia Dare wine, and +much good-natured fun is indulged in by all. Speeches are usually made +by the bride and groom, their parents, the best man, the maid of honor, +the minister and Aunt Harriet. + +Just a word about the speeches at a bridal dinner. Terrible! + + +A CHURCH WEDDING + +On the day of the wedding the ushers should arrange to be at the church +an hour or so in advance of the time set for the ceremony. They should +be dressed in cutaways, with ties, gloves and gardenias provided by the +groom. + +It is the duty of the best man to dress the bridegroom for the wedding. +As you enter his room you see, lying half-dressed on the bed, a pale, +wan, emaciated creature, who is staring fixedly at the ceiling. It is +the happy bridegroom. His lips open. He speaks feebly. "What time is +it?" he says. You reply, "Two-thirty, old man. Time to start getting +dressed." "Oh, my God!" says the groom. Ten minutes pass. "What time is +it?" says the groom. "Twenty of three," you reply. "Here's your shirt." +"Oh, my God!" says the groom. + +He takes the shirt and tries to put it on. You help him. "Better have a +little Scotch, old man," you say. "What time is it?" he replies. "Five +of three," you say. "Oh, my God!" says the groom. + +At three-thirty you and he are dressed in cutaways and promptly at +three-forty-two you arrive at the church. You are ushered into a little +side room where it is your duty to sit with the corpse for the few +brief hours which elapse between three-forty-five and four o'clock. +Occasionally he stirs and a faint spark of life seems to struggle in +his sunken eyes. His lips move feebly. You bend over to catch his +dying words. "Have--you--got--the ring?" he whispers. "Yes," you reply. +"Everything's fine. You look great, too, old man." The sound of the +organ reaches your ears. The groom groans. "Have you got the ring?" he +says. + +Meanwhile the ushers have been performing their duty of showing the +invited guests to the various pews. A correctly trained usher will +always have ready some cheery word or sprightly bit of conversation +to make the guests feel perfectly at home as he conducts them to their +seats. "It's a nice day, isn't it?" is suggested as a perfectly safe +and yet not too unusual topic of conversation. This can be varied by +remarking, "Isn't it a nice day?" or in some cases, where you do not +wish to appear too forward, "Is it a nice day, or isn't it?" An usher +should also remember that although he has on a cutaway, he is neither +a floor-walker nor a bond salesman, and remarks such as "Something in a +dotted Swiss?" or "Third aisle over--second pew--next the ribbon goods," +are decidedly non au fait. + +The first two pews on each side of the center aisle are always reserved +for members of the immediate family, but it is a firmly established +custom that the ushers shall seat in these "family pews" at least three +people with whom the family are barely on speaking terms. This slight +error always causes Aunt Nellie and Uncle Fred to sit up in the gallery +with the family cook. + +With the arrival of the bride, the signal is given to the organist to +start the wedding march, usually either Mendelssohn's or Wagner's. About +this time the mother of the bride generally discovers that the third +candle from the left on the rear altar has not been lighted, which +causes a delay of some fifteen minutes during which time the organist +improvises one hundred and seventy-three variations on the opening +strains of the march. + +Finally all is adjusted and the procession starts down the aisle led by +the ushers swaying slowly side by side. It is always customary for three +or four of the eight ushers to have absolutely no conception of time +or rhythm, which adds a quaint touch of uncertainty and often a little +humor to the performance. + +After the Scotch mist left by the passing ushers has cleared, there come +the bridesmaids, the maid of honor, and then, leaning on her father's +arm (unless, of course, her father is dead), the bride. + +In the meantime, the bridegroom has been carried in by the best man and +awaits the procession at the foot of the aisle, which is usually four +hundred and forty yards long. The ushers and bridesmaids step awkwardly +to one side; the groom advances and a hush falls over the congregation +which is the signal for the bride's little niece to ask loudly, "What's +that funny looking man going to do, Aunt Dotty?" + +Then follows the religious ceremony. + +Immediately after the church service, a reception is held at the bride's +home, where refreshments are served and two hundred and forty-two +invited guests make the same joke about kissing the bride. At the +reception it is customary for the ushers and the best man to crawl off +in separate corners and die. + +The wedding "festivities" are generally concluded with the disappearance +of the bride, the bridegroom, one of the uninvited guests and four of +the most valuable presents. + + +{illustration caption = The man of culture and refinement, while +always considerate to those beneath him in station, never, under any +circumstances, loses control of his emotions for an instant. Though +the gentleman-rider in the picture may be touchingly fond of his +steeplechase horse, it is unpardonably bad form for him to make an +exhibition of his affection while going over the brush in plain view of +numbers of total strangers. In doing so he simply is making a "guy" +of himself, and it is no more than he deserves if those in the gallery +raise their eyebrows at each other and smile knowingly.} + + +{illustration caption = The Romans had a proverb, "Litera scripta +manet," which means "The written letter remains." The subtle wisdom of +these words was no doubt well known to the men of the later Paleolithic +Age before them, but evidently the gentleman in the engraving +never heard of it. If he had kept this simple little rule of social +correspondence in mind he would have avoided the painful experience +of hearing his obsolete emotions exposed to the eager ears of twelve +perfect strangers. It is customary nowadays for unmarried elder sons +of our most aristocratic families to express their appreciation of +the qualities of fascinating bachelor girls over the sensible, though +plebeian, telephone.} + + + +CHAPTER THREE: THE ETIQUETTE OF TRAVEL + +The etiquette of travel, like that of courtship and marriage, has +undergone several important changes with the advent of "democracy" and +the "mechanical age." Time was when travel was indulged in only by the +better classes of society and the rules of travellers' etiquette were +well defined and acknowledged by all. But Yankee ingenuity has indeed +brought the "mountain to Mahomet"; the "iron horse" and the "Pullman +coach" have, I believe, come to stay, bringing with them many new +customs and manners for the well-bred gentleman or lady who would travel +correctly. Truly, the "old order changeth" and it is, perhaps, only +proper that one should keep (if you will pardon the use of the word), +"abreast" of the times. + + +HINTS FOR THE CORRECT PEDESTRIAN + +Let us suppose, for example, that you are a young gentleman of +established social position in one of the many cities of our great +middle west, and it is your desire to travel from your home to New York +City for the purpose of viewing the many attractions of that metropolis +of which I need perhaps only mention the Aquarium or Grant's Tomb or the +Eden Musee. Now there are many ways of getting to New York, such as (a) +on foot, (b) via "rail"; it should be your first duty to select one +of these methods of transportation. Walking to New York ("a" above) +is often rejected because of the time and effort involved and it is +undoubtedly true that if one attempted to journey afoot from the middle +west one would probably be quite fatigued at the end of one's journey. +The etiquette of walking, however, is the same for short as for long +distances, and I shall at this point give a few of the many rules for +correct behavior among pedestrians. + +In the first place, it is always customary in a city for a young lady, +either accompanied or unaccompanied, to walk on the sidewalk. A young +"miss" who persists in walking in the gutters is more apt to lose than +to make friends among the socially "worth while." + +Gentlemen, either with or without ladies, are never seen walking after +dark in the sewers or along the elevated, tracks. + +It is not au fait for gentlemen or ladies wearing evening dress to +"catch on behind" passing ice wagons, trucks, etc.; the time and energy +saved are doubtfully repaid should one happen to be driven thus past +other members of one's particular social "set." + +Ladies walking alone on the street after dark do not speak to gentlemen +unless they have been previously introduced or are out of work with +winter coming on. + +A gentleman walking alone at night, when accosted by a young woman whom +he has not met socially, removes his hat politely, bows and passes on, +unless she looks awfully good. + +Debutantes meeting traffic policemen always bow first in America; in the +Continental countries, with their age-old flavor of aristocratic court +life, this custom is reversed. + +A bachelor, accompanied by a young unmarried woman, when stepping +accidentally into an open coal or sewer hole in the sidewalk, removes +his hat and gloves as inconspicuously as possible. + +It is never correct for young people of either "sex" to push older +ladies in front of swiftly approaching motor vehicles or street cars. + +A young man, if run over by an automobile driven by a strange lady, +should lie perfectly still (unless dead) until an introduction can be +arranged; the person driving the car usually speaks first. + +An unmarried woman, if run into and knocked down by a taxicab driven +by someone in her own "set," usually says "Why the hell don't you look +where you're going?" to which the taxi driver, removing his hat, replies +"Why the hell don't YOU?" + +A correct costume for gentlemen walking in the parks or streets of a +city, either before or after dark, consists of shoes (2), socks (2), +undergarments, trousers, shirt, necktie, collar, vest, coat and hat. For +pedestrians of the "opposite" sex the costume is practically the same +with the exception of the socks, trousers, shirt, necktie, collar, +vest and coat. However, many women now affect "knickerbockers" and vice +versa. + +A young lady of good breeding, when walking alone, should not talk +or laugh in a loud boisterous manner. "Capers" (e. g. climbing trees, +etc.), while good exercise and undoubtedly fashionable in certain +"speedy" circles, are of questionable taste for ladies, especially +if indulged in to excess or while walking with young gentlemen on the +Sabbath. Sport is sport, and no one loves a stiff game of "fives" or +"rounders" more than I, but the spectacle of a young unmarried lady and +her escort hanging by their limbs on the Lord's Day from the second +or third cross arm of an electric telegraph pole is certainly carrying +things a bit too far, in my opinion, even in this age of "golf" and lawn +"tennis." + +A young gentleman escorting a young lady on foot to a formal ball or the +opera should walk on the outside, especially if they are both in evening +dress and have a long distance to go. It is never incorrect to suggest +the use of a street car, or as one gets near the Opera House, a carriage +or a "taxicab." + +A young man walking with a young lady, when accosted by a beggar, always +gives the beggar something unless the young lady is his wife or his +sister. + +So much for pedestrians. I can not, of course, pretend to give here all +the rules for those who "go afoot" and I can only say that the safest +principle for correct behavior in this, as in many social matters, is +the now famous reply Thomas Edison once made to the stranger who asked +him with what he mixed his paints in order to get such marvellous +effects. "One part inspiration," replied the great inventor, "and NINE +parts perspiration." In other words, etiquette is not so much a matter +of "genius" as of steady application to small details. + + +TRAVELLING BY RAIL + +In America much of the travelling is done by "rail." The etiquette of +railroad behavior is extremely complicated, especially if one is forced +to spend the night en route (on the way) and many and ludicrous are the +mistakes made by those whose social training has apparently fitted them +more for a freight car than for an up-to-date "parlor" or "Pullman" +coach. + + +GOOD FORM ON A STREET CAR + +Let us, first of all, however, take up some of the simpler forms of rail +transportation, such as, for example, the electric street or "tram" car +now to be seen on the main highways and byways of all our larger cities. +The rules governing behavior on these vehicles often appear at first +quite complicated, but when one has learned the "ropes," as they say in +the Navy, one should have no difficulty. + +An elderly lady with a closed umbrella, for example, desiring to take +a street car, should always stand directly under a large sign marked +"Street Cars Do Not Stop On This Corner." As the car approaches she +should run quickly out to the car tracks and signal violently to the +motorman with the umbrella. As the car whizzes past without stopping she +should cease signalling, remark "Well I'll be God damned!" and return +to the curbstone. After this performance has been repeated with three +successive cars she should then walk slowly out and lie down, in a +dignified manner, across the car tracks. In nine cases out of ten +the motorman of the next "tram" will see her lying there and will be +gentleman enough to stop his car. + +When this happens the elderly lady should get quietly up from the street +and stand outside the door marked "Exit Only" until the motorman opens +it for her. She should then enter with the remark, "I signalled to three +cars and not one of them stopped," to which the motorman will reply, +"But, lady, that sign there says they don't stop on this corner." The +lady should then say "What's your number--I'm going to report you." + +After taking his number she should enter the car. At the opposite end +of the vehicle there will undoubtedly be three or four vacant seats; +instead of taking one of these she should stand up in front of some +young man and glare at him until he gets up and gives her his place. + +It is not customary in American cities for ladies to thank gentlemen who +provide them with seats. + +After a few minutes she should turn to the man at her right and ask +"Does this car go to Madison Heights?" He will answer "No." She should +then turn to the man on her left and ask "Does this car go to Madison +Heights?" He will answer "No." Her next question--"Does this car go to +Madison Heights?"--should be addressed to a man across the aisle, and +the answer will be "No." She should then listen attentively while +the conductor calls out the names of the streets and as he shouts +"Blawmnoo!" she should ask the man at her right "Did he say Madison +Heights?" He will reply "No." At the next street the conductor will +shout "Blawmnoo!" at which she should ask "Did he say Madison Heights?" +Once more the answer will be in the negative. The car will proceed, the +conductor will now call "Blawmnoo!" and as the elderly lady once more +says "Did he say Madison Heights?" the man at her left, the man at her +right, the man across the aisle and eight other male passengers will +shout "YES!" + +It is then correct for her to pickup her umbrella and, carefully waiting +until the conductor has pulled the "go ahead" signal, she should cry +"Wait a minute, conductor--I want to get off here." The car will then +be stopped and she should say "Is this Madison Heights?" to which the +conductor will reply "This ain't the Madison Heights car, lady." She +should then say "But you called out Madison Heights," to which he will +answer "No, lady--that's eight miles in the opposite direction." She +should then leave the street car, not forgetting, however, to take the +conductor's number again. + +The above hints for "tram" car etiquette apply, of course, only to +elderly ladies. For young men and women the procedure would be in many +cases quite different. A young married woman, for example, on entering a +street car, should always have her ticket or small "change" so securely +buried in the fourth inside pocketbook of her handbag that she cannot +possibly find it inside of twelve minutes. Three or more middle-aged +ladies, riding together, should never decide as to who is to pay the +fare until the conductor has gone stark raving mad. + + +{illustration caption = Her conduct has stamped the young lady as a +provincial and it is not to be wondered at if suppressed titters and +half audible chuckles follow her about the room. PERFECT BEHAVIOR would +have taught her that it is not the prerogative of a muddy-complexioned +dud--even if she has had only one dance and her costume is very +expensive--to cut in on a gentleman (by grabbing his neck or any other +method) when he is dancing with the wide-eyed beauty from the South who +leaves in five minutes to catch a train. He will be within his rights +when, at the end of five minutes, after three unsuccessful attempts to +loosen her grip, he will carry her into the garden under false pretences +and there play the hose on her until she drowns. + + +{illustration caption = They are leaving the home of an intimate friend +of several weeks' standing, after having witnessed a Private Theatrical. +Both feel that some return should be made for their hostess's kindness +but neither is certain as to just what form the return should take. The +Book of PERFECT BEHAVIOR would have pointed out to them that the only +adequate and satisfactory revenge for this sort of thing is to invite +the lady, as soon as possible without exciting her suspicion, to attend +an Italian opera or a drawing-room musicale. + + + +IN THE SUBWAY + +The rules governing correct behavior in the underground "subway" systems +of our great cities (particularly the New York subways) are, however, +much more simple and elemental than the etiquette for surface cars. In +the subway, for example, if you are a married man and living with your +wife, or head of a family, i. e., a person who actually supports one or +more persons living in (or under) his (or her) household on the last +day of the preceding calendar year, provided that such person or persons +shall not on or before July 1 or if July 1 shall fall on a Sunday then +on the day nearest preceding July 1, himself (or themselves) have filed +a separate report as provided in paragraph (g), you should precede a +lady when entering, and follow a lady when leaving, the train. + + +A HONEYMOON IN A SUBWAY + +On the other hand, a wedding or a "honeymoon" trip in a subway brings +up certain problems of etiquette which are entirely different from the +above. Let us suppose, for example, that the wedding takes place at high +noon in exclusive old "Trinity" church, New York. The nearest subway +is of course the "Interborough" (West Side) and immediately after the +ceremony the lucky couple can run poste haste to the "Battery" and board +a Lenox Ave. Local. Arriving at romantic Chambers St. they should change +at once to a Bronx Park Express which will speedily whizz them past 18th +St., 23rd St. and 28th St. to the Pennsylvania Station where they can +again transfer, this time to a Broadway Local. In a jiffy and two winks +of an eye they will be at Times Square, the heart of the "Great White +Way" (that Mecca of pleasure seekers and excitement lovers) where they +can either change to a Broadway Express, journeying under Broadway +to historic Columbia University and Harlem, or they can take the +busy little "shuttle" which will hurry them over to the Grand Central +Station. There they can board the aristocratic East Side Subway, either +"up" or "down" town. The trip "up town" (Lexington Ave. Express) passes +under some of the better class residential districts, but the journey +in the other direction is perhaps more interesting, including as it does +such stops as 14th St., Brooklyn Bridge, Fulton Street, Wall Street (the +financial center) etc., not to mention a delightful passage under the +East River to Brooklyn, the city of homes and churches. Thus without +getting out of their seats the happy pair can be transported from +one fascinating end of the great city to the other and when they have +exhausted the possibilities of a honeymoon in the Interborough they can +change, with the additional cost of only a few cents apiece, to the B. +R. T. or the Hudson Tubes which will gladly carry them to a thousand new +and interesting places--a veritable Aladdin's lamp on rails. + + +TRAVELLING UNDER STEAM + +And now we come to that most complex form of travel--the railroad +journey. Let us suppose that instead of attempting to walk to New York +you have elected to go on the "train." On the day of your departure you +should carefully pack your bag or suitcase, taking care to strap and +lock it securely. You can then immediately unstrap and unlock it in +order to put in the tooth paste and shaving brush which you forgot to +bring from the bathroom. + +Arriving at the station promptly on the time scheduled for the train +to depart you will find that because of "daylight saving time" you +have exactly an hour to wait. The time, however, can be amusingly and +economically spent in the station as follows: 11 weighing machines +@.01 =.11; 3 weighing machines @.05 =.15; 1 weighing machine (out +of order).09; 17 slot machines (chocolate and gum) @.01 =.17. Total +cost--.50, unless, of course, you eat the chocolate. + +Upon the arrival of the train you consult your ticket to find that +you have "lower 9" in car 43. Walking back to the end of the train and +entering car 43 you will find, in berth number 9, a tired woman and +two small children. You will also find a hat box, a bird cage, a bag of +oranges, a bag of orange peelings, a shoe-box of lunch, a rag doll, a +toy balloon, half a "cookie" and 8,000,000 crumbs. The tired woman will +then say to you "Are you the gentleman who has the lower berth?" to +which you answer "Yes." She will then say "Well say--we've got the +upper--and I wonder if you would mind--" "Not at, all," you reply, "I +should be only too glad to give you my lower." This is always done. + +After you have seated yourself and the train has started the lady's +little boy will announce, "I want a drink, Mama." After he has repeated +this eleven times his mother will say to you "I wonder if you would mind +holding the baby while I take Elmer to get a drink?" + +The etiquette of holding babies is somewhat difficult for bachelors to +master at first as there are no hard and fast rules governing conduct +under these circumstances. An easy "hold" for beginners and one which is +difficult for the ordinary baby to break consists in wrapping the left +and right arms firmly around the center of the child, at the same time +clutching the clothing with the right hand and the toes with the left +and praying to God that the damn thing won't drop. + +In this particular case, after Elmer and his mother have gone down the +aisle after a drink, the baby which you are holding will at once begin +to cry. Now as every mother knows, and especially those mothers who have +had children, a baby does not cry without some specific reason and all +that is necessary in the present instance is to discover this reason. +First of all, the child may be merely hungry, in which case you should +at once ask the porter to bring you the a la carte menu. You should then +carefully go over the list of dishes with the infant, taking care to +spell out and explain such names as he may not understand. "How would +you like some nice assorted hors d'oeuvres?" you say. "Waaaaa!" says +the baby. "No hors d'oeuvres," you say to the waiter. "Some blue points, +perhaps--you know, o-y-s-t-e-r-s?" You might even act out a blue point +or two, as in charades, so that the child will understand what you mean. +In case, however, the baby does not cease crying after having eaten +the first three or four courses, you should not insist on a salad and a +dessert, for probably it is not hunger which is occasioning the outcry. +Perhaps it is a pin, in which case you should at once bend every +effort to the discovery and removal of the irritant. The most generally +accepted modern way of effecting this consists in passing a large +electro-magnet over every portion of the child's anatomy and the pin +(if pin there be) will of course at once come to light. Then, too, many +small children cry merely because they have swallowed something which +does not agree with them, such as, for example, a gold tooth or a shoe +horn; the remedy in this case consists in IMMEDIATELY feeding the child +the proper counter irritant. There is, really, no great mystery +about the successful raising of children and with a few common sense +principles, such as presented above, any mother may relieve herself of a +great deal of useless anxiety. I hope I may be pardoned for a digression +here, but I feel very strongly that "today's babies are tomorrow's +citizens" and I do want to see them brought up in the proper way. + +But to return to our train. Perhaps by this time the mother and Elmer +will have returned and you will be relieved of further investigation as +to the cause of the infant's discomfort. A few minutes later, however, +little Elmer will say "Mama, I want the window open." This request will +be duly referred to you via the line of authority. It is then your duty +to assume a firm upright stance, with the weight evenly distributed +on both feet, and work for twelve minutes and thirty-nine seconds in a +terrific struggle to raise the windows. At the end of twelve minutes and +forty seconds you will succeed, the window will slowly go up, and the +train will at once enter a tunnel, filling the car and you with coal +smoke. In the resulting darkness and confusion you should seize little +Elmer, throw him quickly out of the open window and make your escape to +the gentlemen's smoking compartment in the rear of your car. + +In the "smoker" you will find three men. The first of these will be +saying "and he told me that a bootlegger he knew had cleaned up a +thousand dollars a week since January." The second will say "Well down +where I come from there's men who never took a drink before prohibition +who get drunk all the time now." The third will say "Well, I tell you, +men--the saloon had to go." + +Provision for satisfying the "inner man" is now a regular part of the +equipment of all modern trains, and about 6:30 or 7 you should leave +your companions in the "smoker" and walk through the train until you +reach the "diner." Here you will seat yourself at a table with three +other gentlemen, the first of whom will be remarking, as you sit +down, "and I know for a fact that this bootlegger is making over fifty +thousand dollars a year." + + +A CORRECT NIGHT IN A PULLMAN + +Before the days of modern railroads one could not very well travel over +night but now, thanks to Mr. Pullman, it is possible for the traveller +to go to bed en route and be every bit as snug and comfortable as the +proverbial insect in a rug. Shortly after dinner the porter will "make +up" the berths in the car and when you desire to retire for the night you +should ask him to bring you the ladder in order that you may ascend to +upper 9. While you are waiting you should stand in the aisle and remove +your coat, vest and shoes, and then begin to search for your suitcase +which you will finally locate by crawling on your chin and stomach under +berth number 11. When you again resume an upright position the train +will give a sudden lurch, precipitating you into berth number 12. A +woman's voice will then say "Alice?" to which you should of course +answer "No" and climb quickly up the ladder into your proper berth. + +A great deal of "to do" is often made of the difficulty involved in +undressing in an upper berth but most of this is quite uncalled for. +Experienced travellers now generally wait until the lights of the car +have been dimmed or extinguished when the disrobing can be done quite +simply in five counts, as follows: One--unloosen all clothing and lie +flat on the back. The respiration should be natural, easy and through +the lungs. The muscles should be relaxed; Two--pivoting on the back of +the head and neck, inhale quickly, at the same time drawing the +muscles of the legs and arms sharply under the body, as for a spring; +Three--spring suddenly upward and to the right (or left), catching the +bell cord (which extends along the roof of the train) with the teeth, +hands and feet; Four--holding firmly to the cord with the knees, +describe a sudden arc downward with the head and body, returning to +position as soon as the shirt and undershirt have dropped off into +the aisle; Five--taking a firm hold on the cord with the teeth, let go +sharply with the knees. The trousers, etc., should at once slide off, +and you can (and, in fact, should) then swing yourself quickly back into +your berth and pajamas. + +Once inside your "bunk" you should drift quickly off to slumberland, and +when you wake up it will be five minutes later and the--------engineer +will be trying to see what he can do with an air brake and a few steel +sleeping cars. + +In the morning you will be in New York. + + + +CHAPTER FOUR: AT THE CONCERT AND THE OPERA + +In order to listen to music intelligently--or what is really much +more important--in order to give the appearance of listening to music +intelligently, it is necessary for the novice to master thoroughly two +fundamental facts. + +The first, and most important of these, is that the letter "w" in +Russian is pronounced like "v"; the second, that Rachmaninoff has a +daughter at Vassar. + +Not very difficult, surely--but it is remarkable how much enjoyment one +can get out of music by the simple use of these two formulas. With a +little practise in their use, the veriest tyro can bewilder her escort +even though she be herself so musically uninformed as to think that the +celeste is only used in connection with Aida, or that a minor triad is +perhaps a young wood nymph. + +One other important fundamental is that enthusiasm should never be +expressed for any music written after 1870; by a careful observance of +this rule one will constantly experience that delightful satisfaction +which comes with finding one's opinions shared by the music critics in +the daily press. + + +{illustration caption = The young lady in the picture has just laid out +a perfect drive. She had, unfortunately, neglected to wait until the +gentleman playing ahead of her had progressed more than fifteen yards +down the fairway, and her ball, traveling at a velocity of 1675 f.s., +has caught the gentleman squarely in the half-pint bottle. What mistake, +if any, is the gentleman making in chasing her off the course with his +niblick, if we assume that she called "Fore!" when the ball had attained +to within three feet of the gentleman?} + +{illustration caption = You will exclaim, no doubt, on looking at the +scene depicted above, "Cherchez la femme." It is, however, nothing +so serious as you will pardonably suppose. The gentleman is merely an +inexperienced "gun" at a shooting-party, who has begun following his +bird before it has risen above the head of his loader. This very clumsy +violation of the etiquette of sport proves, beyond the shadow of a +doubt, that he has learned to shoot from the comic papers, and that his +coat-of-arms can never again be looked upon as anything but bogus.} + + +LISTENING TO A SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA + +The first thing to do on arriving at a symphony concert is to express +the wish that the orchestra will play Beethoven's Fifth. If your +companion then says "Fifth what?" you are safe with him for the rest +of the evening; no metal can touch you. If, however, he says "So do +I"--this is a danger signal and he may require careful handling. + +The next step is a glance at the program. If your escort is quite good +looking and worth cultivating, the obvious remark is "Oh dear--not a +very interesting program, to-night. But George--LOOK at what they are +playing next Thursday! My, I wish--." If George shies at this, it can be +tried again later--say during an "appassionato" passage for the violins +and cellos. + +As soon as the music starts, all your attention should be directed +toward discovering someone who is making a noise--whispering or +coughing; having once located such a creature, you should immediately +"sh-sh" him. Should he continue the offence, a severe frown must +accompany the next "sh-sh," a lorgnette--if available--adding great +effectiveness to the rebuke. This will win you the gratitude of your +neighbors and serve to establish your position socially, as well as +musically--for perfect "sh-shers" do not come from the lower classes. + +At the conclusion of the first number the proper remark is "hmmm," +accompanied by a slow shake of the head. After this you may use any one +of a number of remarks, as for example, "Well, I suppose Mendelssohn +appeals to a great many people," or "That was meaningless enough to have +been written by a Russian." This latter is to be preferred, for it leads +your companion to say, "But don't you like TschaiKOWsky?", pronouncing +the second syllable as if the composer were a female bull. You can +then reply, "Why, yes, TschaiKOFFsky DID write some rather good +music--although it's all neurotic and obviously Teutonic." Don't fail to +stress the "v." + +The next number on the program will probably be the soloist--say, a +coloratura soprano. Your first remark should be that you don't really +care for the human voice--the reason being, of course, that symphonic +Music, ABSOLUTE music, has spoiled you for things like vocal gymnastics. +This leads your bewildered friend to ask you what sort of soloist you +prefer. + +Ans.--Why, a piano concerto, of course. + +Ques.--And who is your favorite pianist? + +Ans.--Rachmaninoff. And then, before the boy has time to breathe +--SHOOT! "Did you knoow that he has a daughter at Vassar?" + +Although not necessary, it might be well to finish off the poor fellow +at the end of the concert with one or two well placed depth bombs. My +own particular favorite for this is the following, accompanied by a low +sigh: "After all--Beethoven IS Beethoven." + + +CORRECT BEHAVIOR AT A PIANO RECITAL + +The same procedure is recommended for the piano or violin recital, with +the possible addition of certain phrases such as "Yes--of course, she +has technique--but, my dear, so has an electric piano." This remark +gives you a splendid opportunity for sarcasm at the expense of Mr. +Duo-Art and other manufacturers of mere mechanical perfection; the word +"soul"--pronounced with deep feeling, as when repeating a fish order to +a stupid waiter--may be introduced effectively several times. + +The program at these recitals is likely to be more complex than that +at a symphony concert. This is a distinct advantage, for it gives you a +splendid opportunity to catch some wretch applauding before the music +is really finished. Nothing is quite comparable to the satisfaction of +smiling knowingly at your neighbors when this faux pas is committed, +unless it be the joy of being the first to applaud at the REAL +conclusion. This latter course, however, is fraught with danger for the +beginner; the chances for errors in judgment are many, and the only sure +way to avoid anachronistic applause is to play the safe game and +refrain altogether from any expression of approval--a procedure which +is heartily recommended for the musically ignorant, it being also the +practise among the majority of the critics. + + +IN A BOX AT THE OPERA + +The opera differs from the symphony concert, or piano recital, in the +same way that the army drill command of "At Ease!" differs from "Rest!" +When one of these orders (I never could remember which is given to a +battalion in formation), it signifies that talking is permitted; opera, +of course, corresponds to that command. + +Before the invention of the phonograph it was often necessary for the +opera goer to pay some attention to the performance--at least while +certain favorite arias were being sung; this handicap to the enjoyment +of opera has now fortunately been overcome and one can devote one's +entire attention to other more important things, safe in one's knowledge +that one has Galli-Curci at home on the Vic. + +In order really to get the most out of an opera a great deal of study +and preparation is required in advance; I have not space at this time to +cover these preliminaries thoroughly, but would recommend to the earnest +student such supplemental information as can be obtained from Lady +Duff-Gordon, or Messrs. Tiffany, Tecla and Pinaud. + +Upon entering one's box the true opera lover at once assumes a musical +attitude; this should be practised at home, by my lady, before a mirror +until she is absolutely sure that the shoulders and back can be seen +from any part of the house. Then, with the aid of a pair of strong opera +glasses, she may proceed to scrutinize carefully the occupants of the +boxes--noting carefully any irregular features. Technical phraseology, +useful in this connection, includes "unearthly creature," "stray +leopard" or, simply, "that person." + +Your two magical formulas--the Russian "w" and the sad story about +Rachmaninoff's daughter--may, of course, be held in reserve--but the +chances are that you will be unable to use them, for during an evening +at the opera there will probably be no mention of music. + + + + +CHAPTER FIVE: ETIQUETTE FOR DRY AGENTS + +SOME BROADER ASPECTS OF PROHIBITION + +In spite of the great pride and joy which we Americans feel over the +success of National Prohibition; in spite of the universal popularity of +the act and the method of its enforcement; in spite of the fact that it +is now almost impossible to obtain in any of our ex-saloons anything +in the least resembling whiskey or gin,--there still remains the +distressing suspicion that quite possibly, at some of the dinner +parties and dances of our more socially prominent people, liquor--or its +equivalent--is openly being served. Dry agents have, of course, tried on +several occasions to verify this suspicion; their praiseworthy efforts +have met, for the most part, with scant success. + +The main difficulty has been, I believe, that the average dry agent is +too little versed in the customs and manners of polite society. It is +lamentably true that, too often, has a carefully planned society dry +raid been spoiled because the host noticed that one of his guests was +wearing white socks with a black tie, or that the intruder was using his +dessert spoon on the hors d'oeuvres. + +The solution of this difficulty lies, of course, in the gradual +procuring of a better class of dry agent. There are signs (though, +unfortunately, in the wrong direction) that some of our younger college +generation are already casting envious eyes toward the rich rewards, +the social opportunities and the exciting life of the professional +bootlegger. + +It might be well to interest some of these promising youngsters in the +no less exciting occupation of National Prohibition Enforcement Officer. +At present the chief difficulty seems to lie in the fact that, in our +preparatory schools and colleges, a young man acquires a certain code +of honor which causes him to look with distaste on what he calls +pussyfooting and sneaking. + +People too often forget that, in order to make effective such a +universally beneficent law, any means are justified. It will be, I hope, +only a matter of years before this distrust of the "sneak" will have +died out, and the Dry Agent will come to be regarded with the +reverence and respect due to one who devotes his life to the altruistic +investigation of his neighbor's affairs. + + +THE COLLEGE GRADUATE AS DRY AGENT + +Then, too, many young college men are deterred from becoming Dry Agents +by thinking of the comparative scantiness of the monetary rewards. This +difficulty is only an imaginary one--for, luckily, as soon as a man's +code of honor has been elevated to the extent that it permits him to +take up a career of pussy-footing there is generally eliminated at the +same time any objection he might have to what is often called bribery. +Thus, by a fortunate combination of circumstances, a Dry Agent is +enabled to serve mankind and, at the same time, greatly increase his own +personal fortune. + +But we cannot wait until our college graduates come to regard +pussyfooting as a career. We must do what we can with the material at +our disposal. We must in some way educate our present Dry Agents so +that they can go to any function in polite society and remain as +inconspicuous and as completely disregarded as the host. As a first step +in such a social training I offer the following suggestions, in the hope +that before long no function will be complete without the presence +of four or five correctly dressed National Prohibition Enforcement +Officers, ready and eager to arrest the host and hostess and all the +guests on the slightest provocation. + + +PLANNING A DRY RAID ON A MASQUERADE BALL + +Let us suppose, for example, that you are a Dry Agent and that your name +is Isador Eisenberg, and, one day, you and your chief are sitting around +the Dry Agent's Club and he says to you, "Izzy--I see by the paper +that there's a swell society masquerade ball to be given by the younger +married set tomorrow night at the Glen Cove Country Club. Take your +squad to cover it." At this point you doubtless say, "Chief, I'm afraid +I can't use my squad. My men have been disguised as trained seals all +this week, and tomorrow night, they are to raid all the actresses' +dressing rooms at the Hippodrome" and then the Chief says, "Well, Izzy, +you'll have to rent a costume and pull off the raid all by yourself." + + +A WORD ABOUT CORRECT COSTUMES + +Your first concern should be, of course, your costume. If you have a +high voice (although really there is no reason for supposing that all +Dry Agents have high voices), you might well attend the masquerade +disguised as a lady. One of the neatest and, on the whole, most +satisfactory of ladies' disguises is that of Cleopatra. Cleopatra, as +you know, was once Queen of Egypt and the costume is quite simple and +attractive. It may be, however, that you would prefer to appear as a +modern rather than an ancient queen. A modern Queen (if one may judge +from the illustrated foreign periodicals) always wears a plain suit +and carries a tightly rolled umbrella. Should you care to attend the +masquerade as an allegorical figure--say "2000 Years of Progress"--you +might wear the Cleopatra costume and carry the umbrella. Or you might +go attired as some other less prominent member of the nobility--for +instance, Lady Dartmouth, whose delightful costume is more or less +featured in the advertising on our better class subways and street cars, +and can be obtained at a comparatively small cost at any reliable dry +goods store. + +Should you, however, feel that you would be more at ease in a male +costume, there are several suggestions which might cleverly conceal +your real identity. You might, for example, attend the ball as Jurgen--a +costume which would assure you a pleasurable evening and many pleasing +acquaintances. You might, with equal satisfaction, go as an Indian. + +It occurs to me that it might even be a clever move to attend the party +dressed as a Dry Agent. All suspicion would be instantly lost in the +uproar of laughter which would greet your announcement of your disguise; +many men would probably so far enter into the spirit of the joke as to +offer you drinks from their flasks, and much valuable evidence could +be obtained in this way. And the costume is quite easy--simply wear a +pleated soft-bosom dress shirt with your evening dress, and tuck the +ends of your black tie under your collar. + + +{illustration caption = Packets of old letters, bits of verse, locks +of hair, pressed flowers, inscribed books, photographs, etc., all +make acceptable wedding gifts. By telling you whether they should be +presented to the Bride or to the Groom PERFECT BEHAVIOR has, we feel, +settled the question of future happiness in many a new-made home.} + +{illustration caption = You are, let us say, one of the Ushers attending +the Bachelor Dinner. You are handed a bottle of Chateau Lafitte '69. +Can you select, from the diagram above, the proper implement to use in +getting at its contents? The correct methods of choosing and using table +hardware are explained in PERFECT BEHAVIOR.} + +{illustration caption = The young couple in the picture are trying +to word a plausible letter of regret in answer to an invitation to a +house-party. Had they consulted their PERFECT BEHAVIOR they would have +known that there is no plausible excuse for not accepting any invitation +whatever, and that the simplest and most dignified, method is to write +the attached model letter.} + +{illustration caption = Not realizing his mistake, the Groom stands +waiting for the Bridal Procession, apparently in high spirits and +the best of health. Such an attitude toward a wedding is in the worst +possible taste. PERFECT BEHAVIOR tells all about the correct appearance +and conduct of Bridegrooms.} + +{illustration caption = The Best Man has just been introduced to the +Maid of Honor. Instead of waiting for her to extend her hand and make +the acknowledgment, he has turned on his heel and bolted from the room. +This constitutes a social blunder, after the commission of which he +could never again, in polite society, be considered quite a gentleman. +PERFECT BEHAVIOR would have told him how the man of birth and breeding +learns to face anything with perfect "Sang froid."} + +{illustration caption = The Groom has just presented his Best Man to +his sister, who, though she is more than eager to make every one feel at +home, has failed to make at once the pun "de rigueur" on the words "best +man." An awkward silence has ensued. What is to be done? Should one of +the gentlemen fill the breach by making the pun for her? If so, which? +PERFECT BEHAVIOR covers the whole subject of making the "best man" pun +authoritatively.} + +{illustration caption = The young man at the right does not know how to +drink. Nevertheless, he has been selected by a friend to act as Best Man +at his wedding and has attended the Bachelor Dinner. Instead of +doing what he should do under the circumstances, he is making himself +conspicuous by remaining coherent while the others sing "Mademoiselle +from Alabam'." Had the Bridegroom provided himself with a copy of +PERFECT BEHAVIOR he would have known better than to have selected him.} + + +GOOD FORM FOR DRY AGENTS DURING A RAID + +After the costume, you should arrange to obtain a mask and a breath. +The former is, of course, for the purpose of hiding your identity; the +latter is essential at any party where you wish to remain inconspicuous. +A good whisky breath can usually be obtained from a bottle of any of the +better known brands of Scotch or Rye whisky by holding a small quantity +of the liquor in the mouth for a short period of time. It is not, of +course, necessary to swallow the liquor and in this connection I would +suggest that you use only the best grade whisky, for there are at +present being manufactured for domestic consumption several brands +which, if held in the mouth for a longer interval than, say, three +seconds, are apt to eat away the tongue or dissolve several of your more +important teeth. + +On the night of the party, therefore, having donned your Dry Agent +costume, having put on your mask, having secured a good breath--you +jump into a taxicab and drive to the Glen Cove Country Club. And, as +you enter the door of the club, some girl, dressed, probably, as Martha +Washington, will run up and kiss you. This is not because she thinks +you are George Washington; it is because she drank that eighth Bronx +cocktail at dinner. + +And right at this point is where most Dry Agents have displayed their +ignorance of the usages of polite society, for most of them are wofully +ignorant of the correct way to handle such a situation. Your average Dry +Agent, not being accustomed to the ways of Younger Marrieds, is often +confused upon being unexpectedly kissed, and in his confusion betrays +his unfortunate lack of social training. + +The correct way to meet the above situation is based on the fundamental +rule of all social etiquette--common sense. Return the lady's kiss in an +easy, natural manner and pass on. If she follows you, lead her at once +to a quiet unoccupied corner of the club and knock her over the head +with a chair or some other convenient implement. It has been found that +this is the only effective way to deal with this type of woman and it +is really only a kindness to her and her husband to keep her from +embarrassing you with her attentions during the rest of the evening. + +After you have removed your coat, you should go to the ball room where +you will find the dance in full swing--full being of course used in its +common or alcoholic sense. Take your place in the stag line and don't, +under any circumstances, allow anyone to induce you to cut in on any of +the dancers. In the first place, you won't be able to dance because Dry +Agents, like Englishmen, never can; secondly, if you TRY to dance, you +are taking the enormous chance, especially at a masquerade, that the man +who introduced you to your partner will disappear for the rest of the +evening, leaving you with Somebody's Albatross hanging around your +neck. And, of all Albatrosses, the married one is perhaps farthest +South--especially if she happens to be a little tight and wants to talk +about her husband and children. + +Your policy, therefore, should be one of complete non-partisanship. If +you do not dance, do not let yourself be drawn into conversation, and do +not, above all things, show any consideration for the host or hostess. +By closely observing the actions of the men and women about you, by +wandering down into the club bar, by peeking into the automobiles +parked outside the club, you will probably be able to obtain sufficient +evidence of the presence of alcohol to justify a raid. And then, when +you have raided the Glen Cove Country Club, you can turn your attention +to the 12,635,439 other clubs and private houses where the same thing is +going on. And, if Mr. Volstead has a dress suit, you might take him with +you, and show him just how beautifully Prohibition is working and how +enthusiastic the better classes of American society are about it. + + + +CHAPTER SIX: A CHAPTER FOR SCHOOLGIRLS + +Every Fall a larger number of young girls leave home to come East to +the various Finishing Schools in this section of the country. For the +benefit of those who are making this trip for the first time, we outline +a few of the more important points in connection with the preliminaries +to the trip East, together with minute instructions as to the journey +itself. + + +SELECTING A PROPER SCHOOL + +This is, of course, mainly a parent's problem and is best solved by +resorting to the following formula: Let A and B represent two young +girls' finishing schools in the East. Mrs. Raleigh-Jones (X), from the +West, sends her daughter to A; Mrs. Borax (Y), from the same city, sends +her daughter to B. Upon consulting the local social register, it is +found that Mr. Raleigh-Jones is a member of the Union, Colonial, Town +and Country, and Valley Hunt Clubs; upon consulting the telephone +directory it is found that the Boraxes live at 1217 S. Main Street, and +that Mr. Borax is an undertaker. Shall Mrs. F. B. Gerald (Z) send her +daughter Annette to A or to B, and why? + +Answer: A, because life is real, life is earnest, and the grave is not +its goal. + + +CORRECT EQUIPMENT FOR THE SCHOOLGIRL + +Having selected an educational institution, the next requisite is a +suitable equipment. Girls who live in other parts of the United States +are often surprised to discover that the clothes which they have +purchased at the best store in their home town are totally unsuited +for the rough climate of the East. I would, therefore, recommend the +following list, subject, of course, to variation in individual cases. + + 1 Dress, chine, crepe de, pink, for dancing. + 1 Dress, chine, crepe de, pink, for petting. + 1 Dress, Swiss, Dotted, blue, or + 1 Dress, Swiss, undotted, white. + 15 yards Tulle, best quality, pink. + 4 bottles perfume, domestic, or + 1 bottle, perfume, French. + 12 Dozen Dorine, men's pocket size. + 6 Soles, cami, assorted. + 1 Brassiere, or riding habit. + 100 boxes aspirin, for dances and house-parties. + 1 wave, permanent, for conversation. + 24 waves, temporary. + 10,000 nets, hair. + 100,000 pins, hair. + 1 bottle Quelques Fleurs, for knockout. + + +EN ROUTE + +After the purchase of a complete outfit, it will be necessary to say +goodbye to one's local friends. Partings are always somewhat sad, but +it will be found that much simple pleasure may be derived from the last +nights with the various boys to whom one is engaged. + +In this connection, however, it would be well to avoid making any rash +statements regarding undying friendship and affection, because, when you +next see Eddie or Walter, at Christmas time, you will have been three +months in the East, while they have been at the State University, and +really, after one starts dancing with Yale men--well, it's a funny +world. + +In case you do not happen to meet any friends on the train, the surest +way to protect yourself from any unwelcome advances is to buy a copy of +the Atlantic Monthly and carry it, in plain view. Next to a hare lip, +this is the safest protection for a travelling young girl that I know +of; it has, however, the one objection that all the old ladies on the +train are likely to tell you what they think of Katherine Fullerton +Gerould, or their rheumatism. + +If you are compelled to go to the dining car alone, you will probably +sit beside an Elk with white socks, who will call the waiter "George." +Along about the second course he will say to you, "It's warm for +September, isn't it?" to which you should answer "No." That will dispose +of the Elk. + +Across the table from you will be a Grand Army man and his wife, going +to visit their boy Elmer's wife's folks in Schenectady. When the fish is +served, the Grand Army man will choke on a bone. Let him choke, but do +not be too hopeful, as the chances are that he will dislodge the bone. +All will go well until the dessert, when his wife will begin telling how +raspberry sherbet always disagrees with her. Offer her your raspberry +sherbet. + +After dinner you may wish to read for a while, but the porter will +probably have made up all the berths for the night. It will also be +found that the light in your berth does not work, so you will be awake +for a long time; finally, just as you are leaving Buffalo, you will at +last get to sleep, and when you open your eyes again, you will be--in +Buffalo. + +There will be two more awakenings that night--once at Batavia, where a +merry wedding party with horns and cow bells will follow the lucky bride +and groom into your car, and once at Schenectady, where the Pullman car +shock-absorbing tests are held. The next morning, tired but unhappy, you +will reach New York. + + +A JOURNEY AROUND NEW YORK + +The Aquarium. Take Fifth Avenue Bus to Times Square. Transfer to 42nd +Street Crosstown. Get off at 44th Street, and walk one block south to +the Biltmore. The most interesting fish will be found underneath the +hanging clock, near the telephone booths. + +Grant's Tomb. Take Fifth Avenue bus, and a light lunch. Change at +Washington Square to a blue serge or dotted Swiss. Ride to the end of +the line, and walk three blocks east. Then return the same way you came, +followed by three fast sets of tennis, a light supper and early to bed. +If you do not feel better in the morning, cut out milk, fresh fruit and +uncooked foods for a while. + +Metropolitan Museum of Art. Take Subway to Brooklyn. (Flatbush.) Then +ask the subway guard where to go; he will tell you. + +The Bronx. Take three oranges, a lemon, three of gin, to one of +vermouth, with a dash of bitters. Serve cold. + +The Ritz. Take taxicab and fifty dollars. If you have only fifty dollars +the filet of sole Marguery is very good. + +Brooklyn Bridge. Terrible. And their auction is worse. + +When you have visited all these places, it will probably be time to take +the train to your school. + + +THE FIRST DAYS IN THE NEW SCHOOL + +The first week of school life is apt to be quite discouraging, and we +can not too emphatically warn the young girl not to do anything rash +under the influence of homesickness. It is in this initial period that +many girls, feeling utterly alone and friendless, write those letters to +boys back home which are later so difficult to pass off with a laugh. +It is during this first attack of homesickness also that many girls, +in their loneliness, recklessly accept the friendship of other strange +girls, only to find out later that their new acquaintance's mother was a +Miss Gundlefinger of Council Bluffs, or that she lives on the south side +of Chicago. We advise: Go slow at first. + + +BECOMING ACCLIMATIZED + +In your first day at school you will be shown your room; in your room +you will find a sad-eyed fat girl. You will be told that this will be +your room mate for the year. You will find that you have drawn a blank, +that she comes from Topeka, Kan., that her paw made his money in oil, +and that she is religious. You will be nice to her for the first week, +because you aren't taking any chances at the start; you will tolerate +her for the rest of the year, because she will do your lessons for you +every night. + +Across the hall from you there will be two older girls who are back for +their second year. One of them will remind you of the angel painted on +the ceiling of the Victory Theatre back home, until she starts telling +about her summer at Narragansett; from the other you will learn how to +inhale. + + +A VISITOR FROM PRINCETON + +About the middle of the first term your cousin Charley Waldron, that +freshman at Princeton, will write and say that he would like to come +up and see you. You go to Miss French and ask her if you can have your +cousin visit you. She sniffs at the "cousin" and tell's you that she +must have a letter from Charley's father, one from Charley's minister, +one from the governor of your state, and one from some disinterested +party certifying that Charley has never been in the penitentiary, has +never committed arson, and is a legitimate child. After you have secured +these letters, Miss French will tell you that Charley will be allowed to +see you next Saturday from four till five. + +Charley will come and will be ushered into the reception room. While he +is sitting there alone, the entire school will walk slowly, one by +one, past the open door and look in at him. This will cause Charley to +perspire freely and to wish to God he had worn his dark suit. + +It is not at all likely that you will be allowed to go to New Haven +during your first year, which is quite a pity, as this city, founded in +1638, is rich in historical interest. It was here, for example, in 1893, +that Yale defeated Harvard at football, and the historic Pigskin which +was used that day is still preserved intact. Many other quaint relics +are to be seen in and around the city of elms, mementos of the past +which bring to the younger generation a knowledge and respect for things +gone. In the month of June, for example, there is really nothing +which quite conjures up for the college youth of today a sense of the +mutability and impermanence of this mortal life so much as the sight of +a member of the class of 1875 after three days' intensive drinking. Eheu +fugaces! + + +{illustration caption = "Who shall write first?" is a question that +has perplexed many a lady or gentleman who is anxious to do the correct +thing under any circumstances. A lady who has left town may send a brief +note or a "P. P. C." ("pour prendre conge," i.e., "to take leave") card +to a gentleman who remains at home, if the gentleman is her husband and +if she has left town with his business partner. Neither the note nor the +card requires an acknowledgment, but many a husband takes pleasure in +penning his congratulations to the lady, concluding with an expression +of gratitude to his friend.} + + + +CHAPTER SEVEN: THE ETIQUETTE OF GAMES AND SPORTS + +GOLF AS A PASTIME + +"Golf" (from an old Scottish word meaning "golf") is becoming +increasingly popular in the United States, and almost every city now +has at least one private club devoted to the pursuit of this stylish +pastime. Indeed, in many of our larger metropolises, the popular +enthusiasm has reached such heights that free "public" courses have been +provided for the citizens with, I may say, somewhat laughable results, +as witness the fact that I myself have often seen persons playing on +these "public" courses in ordinary shirts and trousers, tennis shoes, +and SUSPENDERS. + +The influence of this "democratization" on the etiquette of what was +once an exclusive sport has been, in many instances, deplorable, and +I am sure that our golf-playing forefathers would turn over in their +graves were they to "play around" today on one of the "public" courses. +In no pastime are the customs and unwritten laws more clearly defined, +and it is essential that the young lady or gentleman of fashion who +contemplates an afternoon on the "links" devote considerable time and +attention to the various niceties of the etiquette of this ancient and +honorable game. + +A young man, for example, when playing with his employer, should +always take pains to let his employer win. This is sometimes extremely +difficult, but with practice even the most stubborn of obstacles can +be overcome. On the first tee, for instance, after the employer, having +swung and missed the ball completely one or two times, has managed to +drive a distance of some forty-nine yards to the extreme right, the +young man should take care to miss the ball completely THREE times, and +then drive forty-eight yards to the extreme left. This is generally +done by closing the eyes tightly and rising up sharply on both toes just +before hitting the ball. + +On the "greens" it is customary for a young man to "concede" his +employer every "putt" which is within twenty feet of the hole. If the +employer insists on "putting" [Ed. note:--He won't] and misses, the +young man should take care to miss his own "putt." After both have +"holed out," the young man should ask, "how many strokes, sir?" The +employer will reply, "Let me see--I think I took seven for this hole, +didn't I?" A well-bred young man will not under any circumstances remind +his employer that he saw him use at least three strokes for the drive, +three strokes for his second shot, four strokes in the "rough," seven +strokes in the "bunker," and three "putts" on the "green," but will +at once reply, "No, sir, I think you only took six, altogether." The +employer will then say, "Well, well, call it six. I generally get +five on this hole. What did you take?" The young man should then laugh +cheerily and reply, "Oh, I took my customary seven." To which the +employer will sympathetically say, "Too bad!" + +After the employer has thus won his first three holes he will begin to +offer the young man advice on how to improve his game. This is perhaps +the most trying part of the afternoon's sport, but a young man of +correct breeding and good taste will always remember the respect due an +older man, and will not make the vulgar error of telling his employer +for God's sake shut up before he gets a brassie in his-------- ear. + +A wife playing with her husband should do everything in her power to +make the game enjoyable for the latter. She should encourage him, when +possible, with little cheering proverbs, such as, "If at first you don't +succeed, try, try again," and she should aid him with her advice when +she thinks he is in need of it. Thus, when he drives into the sycamore +tree on number eleven, she should say, "Don't you think, dear, that if +you aimed a little bit more to the right...." et cetera. When they come +to number fourteen, and his second shot lands in the middle of the lake, +she should remark, "Perhaps you didn't hit it hard enough, dear." And +when, on the eighteenth, his approach goes through the second-story +window of the club-house, she should say, "Dear, I wonder if you didn't +hit that too hard?" Such a wife is a true helpmate, and not merely a +pretty ornament on which a silly husband can hang expensive clothes, +and if he is the right sort of man, he will appreciate this, and refrain +from striking her with a niblick after this last remark. + +A young wife who does not play the game herself can, nevertheless, be +of great help to her husband by listening patiently, night after night, +while he tells her how he drove the green on number three, and took a +four on number eight (Par five), and came up to the fourteenth one under +fours. Caddies should be treated at all times with the respect and +pity due one's fellow creatures who are "unfortunate." The sins of the +fathers are visited upon the children, and one should always remember +that it is not, after all, the poor caddy's fault that he was born +blind. + + +AN AFTERNOON AT THE OLD FARM WITH THE DICE + +"Craps" is a game played with dice, which is often popular in the men's +coat and smoking-rooms before and during formal receptions, balls, +recitals, etcetera. It should not be imagined, however, that "craps" is +a sport for men only; on the contrary, smart women are enthusiastically +taking up this sport in numerous localities, and many an affair which +started as a dinner party or a musicale has ended in a crap game, with +all the guests seated in an excited circle on the floor, contributing to +the host's efforts to make expenses for the evening. + +It is in connection with these "mixed" games, however, that most of the +more serious questions of "craps" etiquette arise. If, for example, you +are a young man desirous of "shooting craps" with your grandmother, the +correct way of indicating your desire when you meet the old lady in a +public place is for you to remove your hat deferentially and say "Shoot +a nickel, Grandmother?" If she wishes to play she will reply "Shoot, +boy!" and you should then select some spot suitable for the game and +assist her, if she wishes your aid, to kneel on the ground. It might be +an added mark of gentility to offer her your handkerchief or coat upon +which to rest her knees. + +You should then take out the dice and "shoot." Your grandmother will +look at your "throw" and say, "Oh, boy! He fives--he fives--a three and +a two--never make a five--come on, you baby seven!" You should then +take up the dice again and shake them in your right hand while your +grandmother chants, "A four and a three--a four and a two--dicety +dice, and an old black joe--come on, you SEVEN!" You should then again +"shoot." This time, as you have thrown a six and a one, your grandmother +will then exclaim, "He sevens--the boy sevens--come on to grandmother, +dice--talk to the nice old lady--Phoebe for grandma, dice, for grandpa +needs a new pair of shoes--shoot a dime!" + +She will then "throw," and so the game will go on until the old lady +evidences a desire to stop, or, possibly, until either you or she are +"cleaned out." In this latter case, however, it would be a customary +act of courtesy towards an older person for you to offer to shoot your +grandmother for her shawl or her side combs, thus giving her several +more chances to win back the money she has lost. It should be +recommended that young men never make a mistake in going a little out of +their way on occasion to make life more pleasant and agreeable for the +aged. + + +CORRECT BEHAVIOR ON A PICNIC + +There often comes a time in the life of the members of "society" when +they grow a little weary of the ceaseless round of teas, balls and +dinners, and for such I would not hesitate to recommend a "picnic." + +A day spent in the "open," with the blue sky over one's head, is indeed +a splendid tonic for jaded nerves. But one should not make the mistake +of thinking that because he (or she) is "roughing it" for a day, he (or +she) can therefore leave behind his (or her) "manners," for such is not +the case. There is a distinct etiquette for picnics, and any one who +disregards this fact is apt to find to his (or her) sorrow that the +"shoe" in this case is decidedly "on the other foot." + +A young man, for example, is often asked by a young lady to accompany +her on a "family picnic." To this invitation he should, after some +consideration, reply either "Yes" or "No," and if the former, he should +present himself at the young lady's house promptly on the day set for +the affair (usually Sunday). + +A "family picnic" generally consists of a Buick, a father, a mother, a +daughter, a small son, beef loaf, lettuce sandwiches, a young man (you), +two blow-outs, one spare tire, and Aunt Florence. + +The father drives with his small boy beside him; in the rear are the +mother, the daughter, Aunt Florence, the thermos bottles, the lunch +baskets and you. As you take your seat you must remember that it is +a distinct evidence of bad breeding to show in any way that you are +conscious of the fact that the car has been standing for the last hour +and forty-four minutes in the hot July sun. + +"We're off!" cries father, pressing his foot on the self-starting pedal. +Thirty minutes later you roll away from the curb and the picnic has +begun. The intervening time has, of course, been profitably spent by you +in walking to the nearest garage for two new sparkplugs. + +It should be your duty, as guest, to see that the conversation in the +rear seat is not allowed to lag. "It's a great day," you remark, as the +car speeds along. "I think it's going to rain," replies Aunt Florence. +"Not too fast, Will!" says mother. "Mother!" says the daughter. + +Ten minutes later you should again remark, "My, what a wonderful day!" +"Those clouds are gathering in the west," says Aunt Florence, "I think +we had better put the top up." "I think this is the wrong road," says +mother. + +"Dear, I know what I'm doing," replies father. + +The secret of good conversation lies in discovering the "hobby" of the +person with whom one is conversing, and a good talker always throws out +several "feelers" in order to find out the things in which his partner +is most interested. You should, therefore, next say to mother, "Don't +you think this is a glorious day for a picnic?" to which she will reply, +"Well, I'm sure this is the wrong road. Hadn't you better ask?" The +husband will answer nothing, but Aunt Florence will murmur, "I think I +felt a drop of rain, Will. If you don't put the top up now, we'll all be +drenched." + +The husband will then stop the car, and you and he will proceed to put +up the top. In doing this, it is customary for the guest to get the +second and third fingers of his right hand so severely pinched that he +can not use the hand for several days. As soon as the top is up and the +rain curtains are in place the sun will come out and you can at once get +out and put the top down, taking care this time to ruin two fingers of +the LEFT hand. + +No good conversationalist confines himself exclusively to one subject, +and when you are once more "under way" you should remark to the mother, +"I think that motoring is great fun, don't you, Mrs. Caldwell?" Her +answer will be, "I wish you wouldn't drive so fast!" You should then +smile and say to Aunt Florence, "Don't YOU think that motoring is great +fun, Mrs. Lockwood?" As she is about to reply, the left rear tire will +blow out with a loud noise and the car will come to a bumping stop. + +The etiquette of changing a tire is fairly simple. As soon as the +"puncture" occurs one should at once remark, "Is there anything I can +do?" This request should be repeated from time to time, always taking +care, however, that no one takes it at all seriously. The real duty of a +young man who is a "guest" on a motor trip on which a "blow-out" occurs +is, of course, to keep the ladies of the party amused during the delay. +This can be accomplished by any of the conventional methods, such as +card tricks, handsprings, and other feats of athletic agility, or making +funny jokes about the host who is at work on the tire. + +When the damage has been repaired and the car is once more speeding +along, leaving behind it mile after mile of dusty road as well as +father's best "jack" and set of tire tools, the small boy will suddenly +remark, "I'm hungry." His father will then reply, "We'll be at a fine +place to eat in ten minutes." Thirty minutes later mother will remark, +"Will, that looks like a good place for a picnic over there." The father +will reply, "No--we're coming to a wonderful place--just trust me, +Mary!" Twenty minutes later Aunt Florence will say, "Will, I think that +grove over there would be fine for our lunch," to which the husband +will reply, "We're almost at the place I know about--it's ideal for a +picnic." Forty minutes after this, father will stop the car and point +to a clump of trees. "There," he will say, "what do you think of that?" +"Oh, we can't eat THERE!" will be the answer of mother, daughter and +Aunt Florence. "Drive on a bit further--I think I know a place." + +Three hours and thirty minutes later (i. e. four hours past your normal +lunch hour) there will be another puncture and as the car stops beside a +wheat field it will begin to rain, and the daughter will sigh, "Well, we +might as well eat here." The "picnic" will then be held in the car, and +nothing really quite carries one back to nature and primeval man as does +warm lemonade and a lettuce sandwich in a Buick with the top up and side +curtains on. + +After lunch it will be time to return home, and after you and father +have ruined your clothes in repairing the punctures, the merry party +will proceed on its way. The next morning, if you have not caught +pneumonia, you will be able to go to your work greatly refreshed by your +day's outing in the lap of old Mother Nature. + + +{illustration caption = Nowhere is the etiquette of travel more abused +than our subways. The gentleman shown above is en route to his fiancee's +flat in the Bronx. He has neglected to purchase the customary bouquet +for his intended and has offered his seat to the lady, who is standing, +in exchange for her corsage bouquet. Should she accept the proposition +without further ado, or should she request the guard to introduce the +gentleman first?} + + +{illustration caption = The young lady has received an invitation to a +quilting-bee from a Mrs. Steenwyck and, anxious to make a correct reply, +she has bought a Complete Letter Writer to aid her to this end. To her +surprise and dismay, she finds that it contains three model replies to +such an invitation beginning "Dear Mrs. Peartree," "Dear Mrs. Rombouts," +and "Dear Mrs. Bevy," and one invitation to a christening beginning, +"Dear Mrs. Steenwyck," but no reply to an invitation to a quilting-bee +beginning "Dear Mrs. Steenwyck." PERFECT BEHAVIOR settles such +perplexities.} + +{illustration caption = Crests or other armorial bearings on notepaper +are no longer considered absolutely necessary to establish one's social +position. Nevertheless, if one feels that note-paper that does not bear +the family escutcheon is not quite all that note-paper should be, it +is permissible to have it stamped neatly at the top of the first sheet. +Care should be exercised to avoid selecting coats-of-arms that might be +recognized, such as that of the United States or Great Britain. Rather +solicit the taste of a good stationer than commit the blunders depicted +above.} + + + +BOXING IN AMERICAN SOCIETY + +Although many of America's foremost boxers have been persons whom one +would not care to know socially, yet much fun and pleasure can be had +out of the "manly art" if practised in a gentlemanly manner. + +"Boxing parties" are generally held in the evening. The ballroom of +one's home can be pleasantly decorated for the occasion, with a square +ring roped off in the centre surrounded by seats for the ladies and +gentlemen who come as invited guests. Evening dress is usually worn. + +The contests should be between various members of one's social "set" +who are fond of the sport and can be counted on to remember at all times +that they are gentlemen. + +The matches should be arranged in tournament form, so that the winner of +one bout meets the winner of the next bout, et cetera, until all but +two have been eliminated. The boxer who wins this final contest shall be +proclaimed the "champion." + +Great fun can then be had by announcing that the "champion" will be +permitted to box three rounds with a "masked marvel." The identity +of this "unknown" (who is usually Jack Dempsey or some other noted +professional pugilist) should be kept carefully secret, so that all the +guests are in a glow of mystified excitement when the contest begins, +and you can imagine their delight and happy enthusiasm when the "masked +marvel" cleverly knocks the "champion" for a double loop through the +ropes into the lap of some tittering "dowager." + +Refreshments should then be served and the "champion" can be carried +home in a car or ambulance provided by the thoughtful host. + + +BRIDGE WHIST + +"Bridge whist," or "Bridge," as it is often called by the younger +generation, is rapidly replacing whist as the favorite card game of good +society, and "bridge" parties are much en vogue for both afternoon and +evening entertainments. In order to become an expert "bridge" player +one must, of course, spend many months and even years in a study of the +game, but any gentleman or lady of average intelligence can, I believe, +pick up the fundamentals of "bridge" in a short while. + +Let us suppose, for example, that you, as a "young man about town," are +invited to play "bridge" on the evening of Friday, November seventeenth, +at the home of Mrs. Franklin Gregory. Now, although you may have played +the game only once or twice in your life, it would never do to admit the +fact, for in good society one is supposed to play "bridge" just as one +is supposed to hate newspaper publicity, and on the evening of Friday, +November seventeenth, you should present yourself in suitable attire at +Mrs. Gregory's home. + +There you will find fifteen or twenty other guests, and after a few +minutes of light social banter a bell will ring and the players will +take their places. At your table will be Mrs. F. Jamison Dollings (your +partner) and Mr. and Mrs. Theodore Watts. Mrs. Dollings (Sept. 6, 1880) +is considered one of the most expert "bridge" players in the city, while +Mr. Watts has one of the largest retail clothing stores in the central +part of the State. Mrs. Watts was one of the Van Cortlandt girls (the +plain one). + +As you are probably (next to Mr. and Mrs. Watts) the worst "bridge" +player in the room it should be your duty to make up for this deficiency +by keeping the other three players conversationally stimulated, for +nothing so enlivens a game of "bridge" as a young man or woman with +a pleasing personality and a gift for "small talk." Thus, at the very +beginning, after you have finished dealing the cards, you should fill in +what seems to you an embarrassing pause by telling one of your cleverest +stories, at the conclusion of which Mrs. Dollings will remark, "We are +waiting for your bid, Mr. S----." + +The etiquette of "bidding," as far as you are concerned, should resolve +itself into a consistent effort on your part to become "dummy" for each +and every game. The minute your partner (Mrs. Dollings) bids anything, +it should be your duty as a gentleman to see that she gets it, no matter +what the cost. + +Thus, on the first hand, you "pass." Mr. Watts then says, "Wait a +minute, till I get these cards fixed"; to which Mrs. Watts replies, +"Theodore, for Heaven's sake, how long do you want?" Mr. Watts then +says, "Which is higher--clubs or hearts?" to which Mrs. Watts replies, +"Clubs." Mrs. Dollings then says, "I beg your pardon, but hearts have +always been considered higher than clubs." Mrs. Watts says, "Oh, yes, +of course," and gives Mr. Watts a mean look. Mr. Watts then says, "I +bid--let's see--I bid two spades--no, two diamonds." Mrs. Dollings +quickly says, "Two lilies," Mr. Watts says, "What's a lily?" to which +Mrs. Watts replies, "Theodore!" and then bids "Two spades," at which +Mrs. Dollings says, "I beg your pardon, but I have just bid two spades." +Mr. Watts then chuckles, and Mrs. Watts says (but not to Mr. Watts), +"I beg your pardon." Mrs. Watts then bids "Three spades," at which you +quickly say, "Four spades." + +This bid is not "raised." Mrs. Dollings then says to you, "I am counting +on your spades to help me out," at which you look at the only spade in +your hand (the three) and answer, "Ha! Ha! Ha!" There is then a wait +of four minutes, at the end of which Mrs. Dollings wearily says, "It is +your first lead, is it not, Mrs. Watts?" Mrs. Watts then blushes, says, +"Oh, I beg your pardon!" and leads the four of hearts. You then lay down +your "dummy" hand. Before Mrs. Dollings has had time to discover just +what you have done to her, you should rise quickly and say, "Excuse me, +but I want to use the telephone a minute." You should then go into the +next room and wait ten or fifteen minutes. When you return Mrs. Dollings +will have disappeared, Mrs. Watts will be looking fixedly at Mr. Watts, +and Mr. Watts will be saying, "Well, it's a silly game, anyway." + +You and Mr. and Mrs. Watts can then have a nice game of twenty-five cent +limit stud poker for the rest of the evening, and it would certainly be +considered a thoughtful and gracious "gesture" if, during the next two +or three weeks, you should call occasionally at the hospital to see how +Mrs. Dollings is "getting on," or you might even send some flowers or a +nice potted plant. + + +FORMAL AND INFORMAL DRINKING + +"Drinking" has, of course, always been a popular sport among the members +of the better classes of society, but never has the enthusiasm for this +pastime been so great in America as since the advent of "prohibition." +Gentlemen and ladies who never before cared much for "drinking" have now +given up almost all other amusements in favor of this fascinating sport; +young men and debutantes have become, in the last few years, fully +as expert in the game as their parents. In many cities "drinking" has +become more popular than "bridge" or dancing and it is predicted that, +with a few more years of "prohibition," "drinking" will supersede golf +and baseball as the great American pastime. + +The effect of this has been to change radically many of the fundamental +rules of the sport, and the influence on the etiquette of the game has +been no less marked. What was considered "good form" in this pastime +among our forefathers now decidedly demode, and the correct drinker +of 1910 is as obsolete and out of date in the present decade as the +"frock-coat." + +The game today is divided into (a) formal and (b) informal drinking. +"Formal drinking" is usually played after dinner and is more and more +coming to take the place of charades, sleight-of-hand performances, +magic lantern shows, "dumb crambo," et cetera, as the parlor amusement +par excellence. "Formal drinking" can be played by from one to fifteen +people in a house of ordinary dimensions; for a larger number it is +generally better to provide a garage, a large yard, and special police, +fire and plate glass insurance. The game is played with glasses, ice, +and a dozen bottles of either whisky or gin. + +The sport is begun by the host's wife, who says, "How would you all like +to play a little bridge?" This is followed by silence. Another wife then +says, "I think it would be awfully nice to play a little bridge." One of +the men players then steps forward and says "I think it would be awfully +nice to have a little drink." + +An "It" is then selected--always, by courtesy, the host. The "It" then +says, "How would you all like to have a little drink?" The men players +then answer in the affirmative and the "It's" wife says, "Now Henry +dear, please--remember what happened last time." The "It" replies, "Yes, +dear," and goes into the cellar, while the "It's" wife, after providing +each guest with a glass, puts away the Dresden china clock, the +porcelain parrot. and the gold fish globe. + +Sides are chosen--usually with the husbands on one "team" and the wives +on the other. The purpose of the game is for the "husbands', team" to +try to drink up all the "It's" liquor before the "wives' team" can get +them to go home. + +When the "It" returns with the liquor he pours out a portion for each +player and at a given signal all drink steadily for several minutes. The +"It's" wife then says, "Now--how about a few rubbers of bridge?" She is +immediately elected "team captain" for the rest of the evening. It is +the duty of the "team captain" to provide cracked ice and water, to get +ready the two spare bedrooms, to hold Wallie Spencer's hand, to keep +Eddie Armstrong from putting his lighted cigaret ends on the piano, and +to break up the party as soon as possible. The game generally ends when +(1) the liquor is all gone, (2) the "It" (or three guests) have passed +"out," (3) Wallie Spencer starts telling about his war experiences. +"Informal" drinking needs, of course, no such elaborate preparations +and can be played anywhere and any time there is anything to drink. The +person who is caught with the liquor is "It," and the object of the game +is to take all the liquor away from the "It" as soon as possible. In +order to avoid being "It," many players sometimes resort to various low +subterfuges, such as sneaking down alone to the club locker-room +during a dance, but this practise is generally looked upon with great +disfavor--especially by that increasingly large group of citizens who +are unselfishly devoting their lives to the cause of a "dry America" by +consuming all of the present rapidly diminishing visible supply. + + +A JOLLY HALLOWE'EN PARTY + +The problem of providing suitable entertainment for one's informal +parties is something which has perplexed many a host and hostess in +recent years. How often has it happened that just when you had gotten +your guests nicely seated around the parlor listening to the Caruso +record, some ill-mannered fellow would remark, "Oh, Lord--let's go over +to the Tom Phillips' and get something to drink." How many times in the +past have you prepared original little "get-together" games, such as +Carol Kennicott did in Main Street, only to find that, when you again +turned the lights on, half the company had disappeared for the evening. + +Of course we cannot all be as startlingly clever as Carol, but +Hallowe'en, which comes this year on October 31st, offers a splendid +opportunity for originality and "peppy" fun. The following suggestions +are presented to ambitious hostesses with the absolute guaranty that no +matter what other reactions her guests may have, they will certainly not +be bored. + + +{illustration caption = Few people realize the value of picture +post-cards as indicators of the birth, breeding, and character of the +sender, yet nothing so definitely "places" a person socially as his +choice of these souvenirs. Could you have selected the senders of the +above cards?} + +{illustration caption = In spite of his haughty airs and fine clothes, +the gentleman betrays that he is not much accustomed to good society +when, having been asked by his hostess if he would care to remove his +coat and waistcoat during the warm evening of bridge, he, in doing so, +reveals the presence of several useful cards hidden about his person. +This sort of thing, while often tolerated at less formal "stag" +poker-parties, is seldom, ever, permissible when ladies are present. The +young man was simply ignorant of the fact that Hoyle and not Herman the +Great is the generally accepted authority on cards in the "beau monde."} + + + +INVITATIONS + +The whole spirit of Hallowe'en is, of course, one of "spooky" gayety and +light-hearted ghastliness. Witches and ghosts run riot; corpses dance +and black cats howl. "More work for the undertaker" should be the +leitmotif of the evening's fun. + +The moribund spirit can be delightfully observed, first of all, in the +preparation of the invitations. I know of one hostess, for instance, who +gained a great reputation for originality by enclosing a dead fish with +each bidding to the evening's gayeties. It is, of course, not at all +necessary to follow her example to the letter; the enclosure of anything +dead will suffice, providing, of course, that it is not TOO dead. There +is such a thing as carrying a joke beyond the limits of propriety, and +the canons of good taste should always be respectfully observed. + +Another amusing way of preparing invitations is to cut out colored paper +in the shape of cats, witches, etc., upon which appropriate verses are +inscribed. Such as: + + "Next Monday night is Hallowe'en, + You big stiff." + or + "On Monday next comes All-Hallows-Even, + My grandmother's maiden name was Stephens." + or + "On Hallowe'en you may see a witch + If you don't look out, you funny fellow." + or + "Harry and I are giving a Hallowe'en party; + Harry says you owe him four dollars; please be + prompt. + or + "Monday night the ghosts do dance; + Why didn't you enlist and go to France, + You slacker?" + + +Another novel invitation is made by cutting a piece of yellow paper +thirteen inches long and four inches wide, and writing on each inch one +of the lines given below. Then begin at the bottom and fold the paper +up, inch by inch. Fasten the last turn down with a "spooky" gummed +sticker, and slip into a small envelope. When the recipient unfolds the +invitation, he will be surprised to read the following: + + Now what on earth + do you suppose + is in this + little folder + keep turning + ha ha ha + further + ha ha ha + further + ha ha ha, + further + ha ha ha + further + + +It would perhaps be best to telephone the next day to those guests whom +you really want, and give them further details as to the date and time +of the party. Additional fun can be gotten out of this invitation by +failing to put postage stamps on the envelopes when you mail them; +the two cents which each guest will have to pay for postage due can be +returned in a novel manner on the night of the party by inserting them +in sandwiches or stuffed tomatoes. + +For those who may wish to send out more elaborate invitations, the +following distinctly original plan is suggested: Procure a number +of small alarm clocks and a quantity of nitroglycerine or other high +explosive. Insert in each clock a small amount of the nitroglycerine, +being careful not to put too much; a quantity sufficient to wreck a room +20 X 30 Will generally suffice. Then arrange the alarm mechanism so that +the explosion will occur at 12 midnight. Attach to the clock a card, +neatly decorated with witches, goblins, etc., on which is written + + "Midnight is the mystic hour + Of yawning graves and coffins dour. + Beneath your bed this clock please hide + And when it strikes---you'll be surprised." + + +These clocks should then be delivered in the afternoon to those of the +guests whom you are merely inviting because they are your husband's +business associates, or because they were nice to your mother when she +did her own work. Later on, in order to avoid hard feelings on the part +of relatives and friends of the deceased, it might be well to explain to +them that you sent the clocks only in the spirit of Hallowe'en fun; it +might even help to invite them to one of your next parties. + + +RECEIVING THE GUESTS + +On Hallowe'en night great care should be taken in the preparations for +receiving the guests in a mystic manner; no pains should be spared in +the effort to start the evening off with a "bang." + +Several novel ideas are offered for starting the guests off on the +right informal spirit. Before they arrive, it is a good plan to take +the street number off your house and fasten it to the porch of your +next door neighbors, who will, of course, be at home because they +are perfectly impossible people whom no one would invite anywhere. +Extinguish all the lights in your own house; your neighbor, as he comes +downstairs twenty-five or thirty times in the next hour, will obligingly +tell your bewildered friends specifically where to go. + +When the guest finally learns from the neighborhood policeman which +house on the block is really yours he will discover on your door a sign +reading: + + "If you would be my Valentine, + Follow please the bright green line." + + +Leading from the door is a green cord which the mystified guest proceeds +to follow, according to directions. This cord should guide the way to +the coal cellar of your other neighbor who has recently purchased an +automatic revolver under the delusion that burglars are operating in the +neighborhood. As your bewildered guest gropes his way about the cellar, +it is quite likely that he will be shot at several times and by the time +he emerges (if he does emerge) he will be quite delightfully full of the +informal spirit of Hallowe'en and ready for anything. + + +HOW TO MYSTIFY + +At this point, your wife, dressed as a witch, should unexpectedly rush +out at him; there is always the delightful possibility that he will pick +up a convenient rock and brain her on the spot--an event which often +adds an unexpected touch of gayety to the evening's fun. If, however, +no such event occurs, the guest should be blindfolded and led into the +house. Once inside he is conducted upstairs to the attic, where he will +find three or four earlier arrivals also blindfolded. + +The hands and feet of these four are then securely tied and they are +told that they are to be left there all evening. This is really a great +joke, because they do not, of course, at the time, believe what you say, +and when you come up to untie them the next morning, their shame-faced +discomposure is truly laughable. + +The green-cord-into-neighbor's-coal-cellar joke can be cleverly varied +by taking the lid off your cistern and making the green line lead in +that direction. Great care should be taken, however, to keep an exact +account of the number of guests who succumb to this trick, for although +an unexpected "ducking" is excruciatingly humorous, drowning often +results fatally. + +Great fun can be added to the evening's entertainment by dressing +several of the guests as ghosts, witches, corpses, etc; these costumes +can be quite simply and economically made in the home, or can be +procured from some reliable department store. + +An "old-fashioned" witch's costume consists of a union suit (Munsing or +any other standard brand), corset, brassiere, chemise, underpetticoat, +overpetticoat, long black skirt, long black stockings, shoes, black +waist and shawl, with a pointed witch's hat and a broomstick. The +"modern" witch's costume is much simpler and inexpensive in many +details. + +A particularly novel and "hair raising" effect may be produced by +painting the entire body of one of the male guests with phosphorus. As +this glowing nude stalks uncannily through the darkened rooms you may +easily imagine the ghastly effect--especially upon his wife. + + +GAMES + +After the guests have sufficiently amused themselves with the ghosts +and witches it will be time to commence some of the many games which are +always associated with Hallowe'en. "Bobbing for apples" is, of course, +the most common of these games and great sport it is, too, to watch the +awkward efforts of the guests as they try to pick up with their teeth +the apples floating in a large tub. I know of one hostess who added +greatly to the evening's fun by pouring twelve quarts of gin into the +tub; the effect on the bobbers was, of course, extremely comical, except +for the unfortunate conduct of two gentlemen, one of whom went to sleep +in the tub, the other so far forgetting himself as playfully to throw +all the floating fruit at the hostess' pet Pomeranian. + +Most Hallowe'en games concern themselves with delving into the future in +the hopes that one may there discover one's husband or bride-to-be. +In one of these games the men stand at one end of the room, facing the +girls, with their hands behind their backs and eyes tightly closed. The +girls are blindfolded and one by one they are led to within six feet of +the expectant men and given a soft pin cushion which they hurl forward. +The tradition is that whichever man the girl hits, him will she marry. +Great fun can be added to the game by occasionally substituting a rock +or iron dumb-bell in place of the romantic pin cushion. + +Another game based on a delightful old Hallowe'en tradition is as +follows: A girl is given a lighted candle and told to walk upstairs into +the room at the end of the hall where, by looking in a mirror, she will +see her future husband. Have it arranged so that you are concealed alone +in the room. When the girl arrives, look over her shoulder into the +mirror. She had better go downstairs after ten minutes, though, so that +another girl can come up. This tradition dates from before William the +Conqueror. + +No Hallowe'en is complete, of course, without fortune telling. Dress +yourself as a wizard and have the guests led in one by one to hear their +fortune told. Hanging in front of you should be a caldron, from which +you extract the slip of paper containing the particular fortune. +These slips of paper should be prepared beforehand. The following are +suggested: + +"You will meet a well dressed, good looking man who understands you +better than your husband. How about Thursday at the Plaza?" + +"You are about to receive a shipment of Scotch whisky that you ordered +last month. And it's about time you kicked across with some of your +own." + +"You will have much trouble in your life if you lie about your golf +score as you did last Sunday on Number 12." + +Still another pleasing Hallowe'en game, based on the revelation of one's +matrimonial future, is played as follows: Seven lighted candles are +placed in a row on a table. The men are then blindfolded, whirled +around three times and commanded to blow out the candles. The number +extinguished at a blow tells the number of years before they meet their +bride. This game only grows interesting, of course, when some old goat +with long whiskers can be induced to take a blind shot at blowing out +the candles. Have Pyrene convenient--but not too convenient to spoil the +fun. + +For the older members of the party, the host should provide various +games of cards and dice. In keeping with the ghastly spirit of the +occasion, it would be well to have the dice carefully loaded. Many hosts +have thus been able to make all expenses and often a handsome profit out +of the evening's entertainment. + +If the crap game goes particularly well, many hosts do not hesitate to +provide elaborate refreshments for the guests. Here, too, the spirit of +fun and jollity should prevail, and great merriment is always provoked +by the ludicrous expression of the guest who has broken two teeth on the +cast-iron olive. Other delightful surprises should be arranged, and a +little Sloan's liniment in the punch or ground glass in the ice cream +will go a long way toward making the supper amusing. And finally, when +the guests are ready to depart and just before they discover that you +have cut cute little black cats and witches out of the backs of their +evening wraps and over coats, it would perhaps be well to run up stairs +and lock yourself securely in your room. + + + +CHAPTER EIGHT: CORRESPONDENCE AND INVITATIONS + +CORRESPONDENCE + +It is narrated of a well-known English lady (who is noted on the other +side of the Atlantic for the sharpness of her wit) that on one occasion, +when a vainglorious American was boasting of his country's prowess in +digging the Panama Canal, she calmly waited until he had finished and +then replied, with an indescribable smile, "Ah--but you Americans do not +know how to write letters." Needless to say the discomfited young man +took himself off at the earliest opportunity. + +There is much truth, alas, in the English lady's clever retort, for the +automatic typewriter, the telegraph, and the penny postal card have done +much to cause a gradual decline in the gentle art of correspondence. +As one American woman recently remarked to a visitor (with more wit, +however, than good taste), "Yes, we do have correspondents here--but +they are all in the divorce courts." + + +CORRESPONDENCE FOR YOUNG LADIES + +There are certain rules in regard to correct letter-writing which must +be followed by all who would "take their pen in hand." Young people are +the most apt to offend in this respect against the accepted canons of +good taste and it is to these that I would first address the contents of +this chapter. A young girl often lets her high spirits run away with +her amour propre, with the result that her letters, especially those +addressed to strangers, are often lacking in that dignity which is the +sine qua non of correct correspondence. + +Consider, for example, the following two letters composed by Miss +Florence ......, a debutante of New York City, who is writing to a +taxidermist thanking him for his neat work in having recently stuffed +her deceased pet Alice. The first of these letters illustrates the evil +to which I have just referred, viz., the complete absence of proper +dignity. The second, written with the aid of her mama, whose experience +in social affairs has been considerable, shows the correct method of +corresponding with comparative strangers. + + +An Incorrect Letter from a Debutante to a Taxidermist Thanking Him for +Having Stuffed Her Pet Alice + + DEAR MR. Epps: + + Aren't you an old PEACH to have gone and stuffed Alice so + prettily! Really, Mr. Epps, I never saw such a knockout piece of + taxidermy, even in Europe, and I simply adore it. Mother gave a + dinner party last night and EVERYBODY was just wild about it and + wanted to know who had done it. How on EARTH did you manage to + get the wings to stay like that? And the eyes are just too + priceless for words. Honestly, every time I look at it, it's so + DARNED natural that I can't believe Alice is really dead. I guess + you must be pretty dog-goned crazy about birds yourself to have + done such a lovely job on Alice, and I guess you know how + perfectly sick I was over her death. Honestly, Mr. Epps, she was + such a PEACH of an owl. But I suppose it had to be, and anyway, + thanks just heaps for having done such a really perfectly + gorgeous bit of taxidermy. + Gratefully, + FLORENCE CHASE. + 593 Fifth Avenue, + New York City. + + +The above is, you observe, quite lacking in that reserve with which +young ladies should always treat strange gentlemen and especially those +who are not in their own social "set." Slang may be excusable in shop +girls or baseball players, but never in the mouth of a young lady with +any pretensions to breeding. And the use of "darned" and "dog-goned" is +simply unpardonable. Notice, now, the way in which Miss Florence writes +the letter after, her mama has given her the proper instruction. + +A Correct Letter from a Debutante to a Taxidermist Thanking Him for +Having Stuffed Her Pet Alice + + Mr. Lloyd Epps, Taxidermist, + New York City. + DEAR SIR: + + It is with sincere pleasure that I take my pen in hand to + compliment you upon the successful manner in which you have + rendered your services as taxidermist upon my late owl Alice. + Death in the animal kingdom is all too often regarded with an + unbecoming levity or, at least, a careless lack of sympathetic + appreciation, and it is with genuine feelings of gratitude that I + pen these lines upon the occasion of the receipt of the sample of + the excellent manner in which you have performed your task. Of + the same opinion is my father, a vice-president of the Guaranty + Trust Co., and himself a taxidermist of no inconsiderable merit, + who joins me in expressing to you our most grateful appreciation. + Sincerely yours, + FLORENCE ELIOT CHASE. + December 11, 1922. + + +{illustration caption = The young man is leaving the home of his host +in "high dudgeon." He is of the type rather slangily known among the +members of our younger set as "finale hopper" which means, in the +"King's English," one who is very fond of dancing. His indignation is +well founded, since it is not the custom among members of the socially +elite to comment in the presence of the guest on either the quantity of +soup consumed or the method of consumption adopted. These things should +be left for the privacy of the boudoir or smoking den where they will +afford much innocent amusement. Nor is the host mending matters by his +kindly meant but perhaps tactless offer of a nickel for carfare.} + +{illustration caption = The gentleman with the excellent teeth has just +been guilty of a gross social error. Wrongly supposing that the secret +of popularity lies in a helpful spirit and having discovered that the +son of his hostess is about to enter a dental school, he has removed +the excellent teeth (false) from his mouth and passed them around for +inspection. The fact that the teeth are of the latest mode does not in +any way condone the breach. Leniency in such matters is not recommended. +"Facilis descensus Averni" as one of the great poets of the Middle Ages +so aptly put it.} + + + +COLLEGE BOYS + +It is the tendency of the age to excuse many social errors in young +people, and especially is this true of the mischievous pranks of college +boys. If Harvard football heroes and their "rooters," for example, wish +to let their hair grow long and wear high turtle-necked red "sweaters," +corduroy trousers and huge "frat" pins, I, for one, can see no grave +objection, for "boys will be boys" and I am, I hope, no "old fogy" in +such matters. But I also see no reason why these same young fellows +should not be interested in the graces of the salon and the arts of +the drawing-room. Consider, for example, the following two letters, +illustrating the correct and incorrect method in which two young college +men should correspond, and tell me if there is not some place in our +college curriculum for a Professor of Deportment: + +An Incorrect Letter from a Princeton Student to a Yale Student +Congratulating the Latter on His Football Victory + + DEAR MIKE: + + Here's your damn money. I was a fool to give you odds. + ED. + P. S. What happened at the Nass? I woke up Sunday with a terrific + welt on my forehead and somebody's hat with the initials L. G. + T., also a Brooks coat. Do you know whose they are? P. P. S. + Please for God's sake don't cash this check until the fifteenth + or I'm ruined. + + +And here is the way in which I would suggest that this same letter be +indited. + +A Correct Letter from a Princeton Student to a Yale Student +Congratulating the Latter on His Football Victory + + + MY DEAR "FRIENDLY ENEMY": + + Well, well, it was a jolly game, wasn't it, and it was so good to + see you in "Old Nassau." I am sorry that you could not have come + earlier in the fall, when the trees were still bronze and gold. I + also regret exceedingly that you did not stay over until Sunday, + for it would have been such a treat to have taken you to see the + Graduate School buildings and the Cleveland Memorial Tower. + However, "better luck next time." + + The enclosed check is, as you may well guess, in payment of our + wager on the result of the gridiron-contest. Truly, I am almost + glad that I lost, for I can not but think that gambling in any + form is at best an unprofitable diversion, and this has taught + me, I hope, a lesson from which I may well benefit. Do not think + me a "prig," dear Harry, I beg of you, for I am sure that you + will agree with me that even a seemingly innocent wager on a + football match may lead in later life to a taste for gambling + with dice and cards or even worse. Shall we not agree to make + this our last wager--or at least, next time, let us not lend it + the appearance of professional gambling by giving "odds," such as + I gave you this year. + + You must have thought it frightfully rude of me not to have seen + you to the train after that enjoyable evening at the Nassau Inn, + but to tell you the truth, Harry, the nervous excitement of the + day proved too much for me and I was forced to retire. My + indisposition was further accentuated by a slight mishap which + befell me outside the Inn but which need cause you no alarm as a + scalp wound was the only result and a few days' rest in my cozy + dormitory room will soon set matters to rights. I trust, however, + that you will explain to your friends the cause of my sudden + departure and my seeming inhospitality. Such jolly fellows they + were--and I am only too glad to find that the "bulldogs" are as + thoroughly nice as the chaps we have down here. Incidentally, I + discovered, somewhat to my dismay, as you may well imagine, that + in taking my departure I inadvertently "walked off" with the hat + and overcoat of one of your friends whose initials are L. G. T. I + am mortified beyond words and shall send the garments to you by + the next post with my deepest apologies to the unlucky owner. + + Rest assured, Harry my friend, that I am looking forward to + visiting you some time in the near future, for I have always been + curious to observe the many interesting sights of "Eli land." + Particularly anxious am I to see the beautiful trees which have + given New Haven its name of "the City of Elms," and the + collection of primitive paintings for which your college is + justly celebrated. And in closing may I make the slight request + that you postpone the cashing of my enclosed check until the + fifteenth of this month, as, due to some slight misunderstanding, + I find that my account is in the unfortunate condition of being + "overdrawn." + + Believe me, Harry, with kindest regards to your nice friends and + yourself and with congratulations on the well deserved victory of + your "eleven," + Your devoted friend and well wisher, + EDWARD ELLIS COCHRAN. + + +LETTERS TO PARENTS + +Of course, when young people write to the members of their immediate +family, it is not necessary that they employ such reserve as in +correspondence with friends. The following letter well illustrates the +change in tone which is permissible in such intimate correspondence: + +A Correct Letter from a Young Lady in Boarding School to Her Parents + + + DEAR MOTHER: + + Of course I am terribly glad that you and father are thinking of + coming to visit me here at school next week, but don't you think + it would be better if, instead of your coming all the way up + here, I should come down and stay with you in New York? The + railroad trip up here will be very hard on you, as the trains are + usually late and the porters and conductors are notorious for + their gruffness and it is awfully hard to get parlor-car seats + and you know what sitting in a day-coach means. I should love to + have you come only I wouldn't want you or father to get some + terrible sickness on the train and last month there were at least + three wrecks on that road, with many fatalities, and when you get + here the accommodations aren't very good for outsiders, many of + the guests having been severely poisoned only last year by eating + ripe olives and the beds, they say, are extremely hard. Don't you + really think it would be ever so much nicer if you and father + stayed in some comfortable hotel in New York with all the + conveniences in the world and there are some wonderful things at + the theaters which you really ought to see. I could probably get + permission from Miss Spencer to come and visit you over Saturday + and Sunday if you are stopping at one of the five hotels on her + "permitted" list. + + However, if you do decide to come here, perhaps it would be + better to leave father in New York because I know he wouldn't + like it at all with nothing but women and girls around and I am + sure that he couldn't get his glass of hot water in the morning + before breakfast and he would have a much better time in New + York. But if he does come please mother don't let him wear that + old gray hat or that brown suit, and mother couldn't you get him + to get some gloves and a cane in New York before he comes? And + please, mother dear, make him put those "stogies" of his in an + inside pocket and would you mind, mother, not wearing that brooch + father's employees gave you last Christmas? + + I shall be awfully glad to see you both but as I say it would be + better if you let me come to New York where you and father will + be ever so much more comfortable. + Your loving daughter, + JEANNETTE. + + +LETTERS FROM PARENTS + +THE same familiarity may be observed by parents when corresponding with +their children, with, of course, the addition of a certain amount of +dignity commensurate with the fact that they are, as it were, in loco +parentis. The following example will no doubt be of aid to parents in +correctly corresponding with their children: + +A Correct Letter from a Mother to Her Son Congratulating Him on His +Election to the Presidency of the United States + + DEAR FREDERICK: + + I am very glad that you have been elected President of the United + States, Frederick, and I hope that now you will have sense enough + to see Dr. Kincaid about your teeth. It would be well to have him + give you a thorough looking over at this time. And Mrs. Peasely + has given me the name of a splendid throat specialist in New York + whom I wish you would see as soon as possible, for it has been + almost a year since you went to Dr. Ryan. Are you getting good + wholesome food? Mrs. Dennison stopped in this morning and she + told me that Washington is very damp in the spring and I think + you had better get a new overcoat--a heavy warm one. She also + told me the name of a place where you can buy real woolen socks + and pajamas. I hope that you aren't going to be so foolish as to + wear those short B. V. D.'s all winter because now that you are + president you must take care of yourself, Edward dear. Are you + keeping up those exercises in the morning? I found those + dumb-bells of yours in the attic yesterday and will send them on + to you if you wish. And, dear, please keep your throat covered + when you go out--Mrs. Kennedy says that the subways are always + cold and full of draughts. I saw a picture of you at the "movies" + the other evening and you were making a speech in the rain + without a hat or rubbers. Your uncle Frederick was just such a + fool as you are about wearing rubbers and he almost died of + pneumonia the winter we moved to Jefferson Avenue. Be sure and + let me know what Dr. Kincaid says and tell him EVERYTHING. + Your LOVING mother. + P. S. What direction does your window face? + + +LETTERS TO PROSPECTIVE FATHERS-IN-LAW + +A young man desiring to marry a young girl does not, in polite society, +"pop the question" to her by mail, unless she happens, at the time, +to be out of the city or otherwise unable to "receive." It is often +advisable, however, after she has said "yes," to write a letter to her +father instead of calling on him to ask for his permission to the match, +as a personal interview is often apt to result unsatisfactorily. In +writing these letters to prospective fathers-in-law, the cardinal point +is, of course, the creation by the young man of a good impression in +the mind of the father, and for this purpose he should study to make +his letter one which will appeal irresistibly to the older gentleman's +habits and tastes. + +Thus, in writing to a father who is above everything else a "business +man," the following form is suggested: + +A Correct Letter to a Prospective Father-in-Law Who Is a Business Man + + + My letter, + 10-6-22 + Your letter, + In reply please refer to: -------- + File--Love--personal-- + N. Y.--1922 + No. G, 16 19 + Mr. Harrison Williams, + Vice-Pres. Kinnear-Williams Mfg. Co., + Buffalo, N. Y. + + DEAR SIR: + + Confirming verbal message of even date re: being in love with + your daughter, this is to advise that I am in love with your + daughter. Any favorable action which you would care to take in + this matter would be greatly appreciated. + Yours truly, + EDWARD FISH. + Copy to your Daughter per E. F. + " " " Wife + EF/F + + +Or, should the girl's father be prominent in the advertising business, +the following would probably create a favorable impression, especially +if printed on a blotter or other useful article: + +A Correct Letter to a Prospective Father-in-Law Who Is in the +Advertising Business + + JUST A MOMENT! + + Have you ever stopped to consider the problem of grandchildren? + + Do you know, for example, that ONLY 58% of the fathers in America + are GRANDFATHERS? + + Did it ever occur to you that only 39% of the grandfathers in + America EVER HAVE GRANDCHILDREN? + + Honestly, now, don't there come moments, after the day's work is + done and you are sitting in your slippers before the fire, when + you would give any thing in the world for a soft little voice to + call you GRANDPA? + + Be fair to your daughter + Give her a College educated husband! + COMPLIMENTS OF EDWARD FISH + + +Perhaps, if the old gentleman is employed in the Credit Department of +Brooks Brothers, Frank Brothers, or any one of the better class stores, +the following might prove effective: + +A Correct Letter to a Prospective Father-in-Law Who Is Employed in a +Credit Department + + MY DEAR MR. ROBERTS: 10-6-22 + + I am writing you in regard to a little matter of matrimony which + no doubt you have overlooked in the press of business elsewhere. + This is not to be considered as a "dun" but merely as a gentle + reminder of the fact that it would be extremely agreeable if you + could see fit to let me marry your daughter before the first of + next month. I feel sure that you will give this matter your + immediate attention. + Yours truly, + ED. FISH. + + 11-2-22 + DEAR MR. ROBERTS: + + As you have not as yet replied to my communication of 10-6-22 + regarding marriage to your daughter, I presume that you were not + at the time disposed to take care of the matter to which I + referred. I feel sure that upon consideration you will agree that + my terms are exceedingly liberal and I must therefore request + that you let me have some word from you before the first of next + month. + Yours truly, + EDWARD FISH. + + (Registered Mail) 12-2-22 + DEAR SIR: + + You have not as yet replied to my communication of 10-6-22 and + 11-2-22. I should regret exceedingly being forced to place this + matter in the hands of my attorneys, Messrs. Goldstein and + Nusselmann, 41 City Nat'l Bank Bldg. + E. FISH. + + +Of course, it would never do to carry this series to its conclusion and +if no reply is received to this last letter it might be well to call on +the gentleman in his place of business--or, possibly, it might even +be better to call off the engagement. "None but the brave deserve the +fair"--but there is also a line in one of Byron's poems which goes, I +believe, "Here sleep the brave." + + +LOVE LETTERS + +A young man corresponding with his fiancee is never, of course, as +formal as in his letters to other people. This does not mean, however, +that his correspondence should be full of silly meaningless "nothings." +On the contrary, he should aim to instruct and benefit his future spouse +as well as convey to her his tokens of affection. The following letter +well illustrates the manner in which a young man may write his fiancee +a letter which, while it is replete with proper expressions of +amatory good will, yet manages to embody a fund of sensible and useful +information: + +A Correct Letter from a Young Man Traveling in Europe to His Fiancee + + + MY DEAREST EDITH: + + How I long to see you--to hold tight your hand--to look into your + eyes. But alas! you are in Toledo and I am in Paris, which, as + you know, is situated on the Seine River near the middle of the + so-called Paris basin at a height above sea-level varying from 85 + feet to 419 feet and extending 7 1/2 miles from W. to E. and 5 + 1/2 miles from N. to S. But, dearest, I carry your image with me + in my heart wherever I go in this vast city with its population + (1921) of 2,856,986 and its average mean rainfall Of 2.6 inches, + and I wish--oh, how I wish--that you might be here with me. + Yesterday, for example, I went to the Pere Lachaise cemetery + which is the largest (106 acres) and most fashionable cemetery in + Paris, its 90,148 (est.) tombs forming a veritable open-air + sculpture gallery. And what do you think I found there which made + me think of you more than ever? Not the tombs of La Fontaine (d. + 1695) and Moliere (d. 1673) whose remains, transferred to this + cemetery in 1804, constituted the first interments--not the last + resting place of Rosa Bonheur (d. 1899) or the victims of the + Op<ra Comique fire (1887)--no, dearest, it was the tomb of + Abelard and Heloise, those late 11th early 12th century lovers, + and you may well imagine what thoughts, centering upon a young + lady whose first name begins with E, filled my heart as I gazed + at this impressive tomb, the canopy of which is composed of + sculptured fragments collected by Lenoir from the Abbey of + Nogent-sur-Seine (Aube). + + Edith dearest, I am sitting in my room gazing first at your dear + picture and then out of my window at the Eiffel Tower which is + the tallest structure in the world, being 984 feet high + (Woolworth Building 750 feet, Washington Obelisk 555 feet, Great + Pyramid 450 feet). And although it may sound too romantic, yet it + seems to me, dearest, that our love is as strong and as sturdy as + this masterpiece of engineering construction which weighs 7,000 + tons, being composed of 12,000 pieces of metal fastened by + 2,500,000 iron rivets. + + Farewell, my dearest one--I must go now to visit the Catacombs, a + huge charnelhouse which is said to contain the remains of nearly + three million persons, consisting of a labyrinth of galleries + lined with bones and rows of skulls through which visitors are + escorted on the first and third Saturday of each month at 2 P. M. + I long to hold you in my arms. + Devotedly, + PAUL. + + +CORRESPONDENCE OF PUBLIC OFFICIALS + +Congressmen and other public officials are as a rule more careful +correspondents than are men whose letters are never to be seen by the +public at large. There is a certain well-defined form for a letter meant +for public consumption which distinguishes it from correspondence of +a more private nature. Thus a Congressman, writing a "public letter," +would cast it in the following form: + +A Correct "Public Letter" from a Congressman + + Mr. Ellison Lothrop, + Vice-Pres. Washington Co.. "Better Citizenship" League, + + MY DEAR MR. LOTHROP: + + You have requested that I give to the Washington County Better + Citizenship League, of which you are an active vice-president, + some expression of my views upon the question of Prohibition. + + Sir, can there be any doubt as to the belief of every right + thinking American citizen in this matter? The Eighteenth + Amendment is here and here, thank God, to stay! The great benefit + which Prohibition has done to the poor and the working classes is + reason enough for its continued existence. It is for the + manufacturers, the professional class, the capitalists to give up + gladly whatever small pleasure they may have derived from the use + of alcohol, in order that John Jones, workingman, may have money + in the bank and a happy home, instead of his Saturday night + debauch. In every democracy the few sacrifice for the many--"the + greatest good of the greatest number" is the slogan. And I, for + one, am proud to have been a member of that legislative body + which passed so truly God-bidden and democratic an act as the + Eighteenth Amendment. + + I beg to remain, with best wishes to your great + organization, + Sincerely yours, + WALTER G. TOWNSLEY. + + +A Correct Private Letter of a Congressman + + DEAR BOB: + + Tell that fellow on Mulberry Street that I will pay $135 a case + for Scotch and $90 for gin DELIVERED and not a cent more. + W. G. T. + + +{illustration caption = The problem of an introduction when there is no +mutual acquaintance is sometimes perplexing. But the young man, having +had the good taste to purchase a copy of PERFECT BEHAVIOR, is having no +difficulty. He has fastened a rope across the sidewalk in front of the +lady's house and, with the aid of a match and some kerosene, has set +fire to the house. Driven by the heat, the young lady will eventually +emerge and in her haste will fall over the rope. To a gentleman of +gallantry and ingenuity the rest should be comparatively simple.} + +{illustration caption = A knowledge of the language of flowers is +essential to a successful courtship and may avoid much unnecessary pain. +With the best intentions in the world the young man is about to present +the young lady with a flower of whose meaning he is in total ignorance. +The young lady, being a faithful student of PERFECT BEHAVIOR, knows its +exact meaning and it will be perfectly correct for her to turn and, +with a frigid bow, break the pot over the young man's head. Alas, how +differently this romance might have ended if the so-called "friends" of +the young man had tactfully but firmly pointed out to him the value of a +book on etiquette such as PERFECT BEHAVIOR.} + + + +LETTERS TO NEWSPAPERS, MAGAZINES, ETC. + +Another type of public correspondence is the letter which is intended +for publication in some periodical. This is usually written by elderly +gentlemen with whiskers and should be cast in the following form: + + +A Correct Letter from an Elderly Gentleman to the Editor of a Newspaper +or Magazine + + To the Editor: + SIR: + + On February next, Deo volente, I shall have been a constant + reader of your worthy publication for forty-one years. I feel, + sir, that that record gives me the right ipso facto to offer my + humble criticism of a statement made in your November number by + that worthy critic of the drama, Mr. Heywood Broun. Humanum est + errare, and I am sure that Mr. Broun (with whom I have + unfortunately not the honour of an acquaintance) will forgive me + for calling his attention to what is indeed a serious, and I + might say, unbelievable, misstatement. In my younger days, now + long past, it was not considered infra dig for a critic to reply + to such letters as this, and I hope that Mr. Broun will deem this + epistle worthy of consideration, and recognize the justice of my + complaint. + + I remember well a controversy that raged between critic and + public for many weeks in the days when Joe Jefferson was playing + Rip Van Winkle. Ah, sir, do you remember (but, of course, you + don't) that entrance of Joe in the first act with his dog + Schneider? That was not my first play by many years, but I + believe that it is still my favorite. I think the first time I + ever attended a dramatic performance was in the winter of '68 + when I was a student at Harvard College. Five of us freshmen went + into the old Boston Museum to see Our American Cousin. Joe + Chappell was with us that night and the two Dawes boys and, I + think, Elmer Mitchell. One of the Dawes twins was, I believe, + afterwards prominent in the Hayes administration. There were many + men besides Will Dawes in that Harvard class who were heard from + in later years. Ed Twitchell for one, and "Sam" Caldwell, who was + one of the nominees for vice president in '92. I sat next to Sam + in "Bull" Warren's Greek class. THERE was one of the finest + scholars this country has ever produced--a stern taskmaster, and + a thorough gentleman. It would be well for this younger + generation if they could spend a few hours in that old classroom, + with "Bull" pacing up and down the aisle and all of us trembling + in our shoes. But Delenda est Carthago--fuit Ilium--Requiescat in + pace. I last saw "Bull" at our fifteenth reunion and we were all + just as afraid of him as in the old days at Hollis. + + But I digress. Tempus fugit,--which reminds me of a story "Billy" + Hallowell once told at a meeting of the American Bar Association + in Minneapolis, in 1906. Hallowell was perhaps the most brilliant + after-dinner speaker I have ever heard--with the possible + exception of W. D. Evarts. I shall never forget the speech that + Evarts made during the second Blaine campaign. + + But I digress. Your critic, Mr. Heywood Broun, says on page 33 of + the November issue of your worthy magazine that The Easiest Way + is the father of all modern American tragedy. Sir, does Mr. Broun + forget that there once lived a man named William Shakespeare? Is + it possible to overlook such immortal tragedies as Hamlet and + Othello? I think not. Fiat justitia, ruat colum. + Sincerely, + SHERWIN G. COLLINS. + + +A Correct Letter from an Indignant Father to an Editor of Low Ideals + + To the Editor: Sir: + + I have a son--a little fourteen-year-old boy who proudly bears my + name. This lad I have brought up with the greatest care. I have + spared no pains to make him an upright, moral, God-fearing youth. + + I had succeeded, I thought, in inculcating in him all those + worthy principles for which our Puritan fathers fought + and--aye--died. I do not believe that there existed in our + neighborhood a more virtuous, more righteous boy. + + From his earliest childhood until now Mrs. Pringle and I have + kept him carefully free from any suggestion of evil. We have put + in his hands only the best and purest of books; we have not + allowed him to attend any motion picture performances other than + the yearly visit of the Burton Holmes travelogues, and, last + year, a film called Snow White and Rose Red; we have forbidden + him to enter a theater. Roland (for that is his name) has never + in his life exhibited any interest in what is known as sex. + + Sir, you may imagine my chagrin when my Roland--my boy who, for + fourteen years, I have carefully shielded from sin--rushed in + last night to where Mrs. Pringle and I were enjoying our evening + game of Bezique, bearing in his hand a copy of your magazine + which, I presume, he had picked up at some so-called friend's + house. "Papa, look," said my boy to me, pointing to the cover of + the magazine. "What are these?" + + Sir, I looked. Mrs. Pringle gave a shriek, and well may she have. + My boy was pointing to a cover on which was what is called--in + barroom parlance--a "nude." And not ONE nude but TWELVE! + + Sir, you have destroyed the parental labors of fourteen years. I + trust you are satisfied. + Yours, etc., + EVERETT G. PRINGLE. + +A Letter from a Member of the Lower Classes. Particular pains should be +taken in answering such letters as it should always be our aim to lend a +hand to those aspiring toward better things. + + To the Editor: + Dear Sir: + + I am a motorman on the Third Ave. South Ferry local, and the + other day one of the passengers left a copy of your magazine on + my car and I want to ask you something which maybe you can tell + me and anyway it don't do no harm to ask what I want to know is + will it be O. K to wear a white vest with a dinner coat this + coming winter and what color socks I enclose stamps for reply. + Yrs. + ED. WALSH. + +A Correct Letter to the Lost and Found Department of a Periodical, +inquiring for a Missing Relative. This should be referred to the persons +mentioned in the letter who will probably take prompt and vigorous +action. + + Literary Editors: + Dear Sirs: + + I have been very much interested in the clever work of Nancy and + Ernest Boyd which has been appearing in your magazine, and I + wonder if you could take the time to give me a little piece of + information about them. You see there was a Nancy Boyd (her + mother was Nancy Kroomen of Beaver Dam) and her bro. Ernest, who + was neighbors to us for several years, and when they moved I sort + of lost track of them. You know how those things are. But it's a + small world after all, isn't it? and I shouldn't be at all + surprised if this was the same party and, if it is, will you say + hello to Nancy for me, and tell Ernest that Ed. Gold still comes + down from Akron to see E. W. every Saturday. He'll know who I + mean. + Ever sincerely, + MAY WINTERS. + + +LETTERS TO STRANGERS + +In writing to a person with whom you have only a slight acquaintance, +it is a sign of proper breeding to attempt to show the stranger that +you are interested in the things in which he is interested. Thus, for +example, if you were to write a letter to a Frenchman who was visiting +your city for the first time, you would endeavor, as in the following +example, to speak to him in his own idiom and put him at his ease by +referring to the things with which he is undoubtedly familiar. It is +only a "boor" who seeks to impose his own hobbies and interests upon a +stranger, disregarding entirely the presumable likes and dislikes of the +latter. + + +A CORRECT LETTER TO A FRENCH VISITOR + + Monsieur Jules La Chaise, + Hotel Enterprise, + City. + + MONSIEUR: + + I hope that you have had a bon voyage on your trip from la belle + France, and my wife and I are looking forward to welcoming you to + our city. Although I cannot say, as your great king Louis XV. so + justly remarked, "L'etat, c'est moi," yet I believe that I can + entertain you comme il faut during your stay here. But all bon + mots aside, would you care to join us this afternoon in a ride + around the city? If you say the word, voila! we shall be at your + hotel in our automobile and I think that you will find here much + that is interesting to a native of Lafayette's great country and + especially to a citizen of Paris. Did you know, for example, that + this city manufactures 38% of the toilet soap and perfumery je ne + sais quoi which are used in this state? Of course, our sewers are + not to be compared to yours, mon Dieu, but we have recently + completed a pumping station on the outskirts of the city which I + think might almost be denominated an objet d'art. + + I am enclosing a visitor's card to the City Club here, which I + wish you would use during your stay. I am sure that you will find + there several bon vivants who will be glad to join you in a game + of vingt et un, and in the large room on the second floor is a + victrola with splendid instrumental and vocal records of "La + Marseillaise." + + Au revoir until I see you this afternoon. + Robert C. Crocker. + + +And above all, in writing to strangers or comparative strangers, seek +to avoid the mention of subjects which might be distasteful to the +recipient of the letter. Many a friendship has been utterly ruined +because one of the parties, in her correspondence or conversation, +carelessly referred to some matter--perhaps some physical +peculiarity--upon which the other was extremely sensitive. The following +letter well illustrates how the use of a little tact may go "a long +way." + + +A CORRECT LETTER TO A BEARDED LADY + + My dear Mrs. Lenox: + + I wonder if you would care to go with us to the opera Wednesday + evening? The Cromwells have offered us their box for that night, + which accounts for our selection of that particular evening. + "Beggars cannot be choosers," and while personally we would all + rather go on some other night, yet it is perhaps best that we do + not refuse the Cromwells' generous offer. Then, too, Wednesday is + really the only evening that my husband and I are free to go, for + the children take so much of our time on other nights. I do hope, + therefore, that you can go with us Wednesday to hear "The Barber + of Seville." + Sincerely, + Esther G. (Mrs. Thomas D.) Franklin. + + +INVITATIONS + +The form of the invitation depends a great deal upon the character of +the function to which one wishes to invite the guests to whom one issues +the invitation. Or, to put it more simply, invitations differ according +to the nature of the party to which one invites the guests. In other +words, when issuing invitations to invited guests one must have due +regard for the fact that these invitations vary with the various types +of entertainments for which one issues the invitations. That is to +say, one would obviously not send out the same form of invitation to a +wedding as to a dinner party, and vice versa. This is an iron-clad rule +in polite society. + +For example, a gentleman and lady named Mr. and Mrs. Weems, +respectively, living at 1063 Railroad Ave., wishing to invite a +gentleman named Mr. Cleek to dinner, would send him the following +engraved invitation: + + MR. AND MRS. LIONEL THONG WEEMS + + request the pleasure of + + MR. WALLACE TILFORD CLEEK'S + + company at dinner + + on Tuesday January the tenth + + at half after seven o'clock + + 1063 Railroad Avenue. + + +This invitation would of course be worded differently for different +circumstances, such as, for example, if the name of the people giving +the party wasn't Weems or if they didn't live at 1063 Railroad Ave., +or if they didn't have any intention of giving a dinner party on that +particular evening. + +Many prospective hostesses prefer to send written notes instead of the +engraved invitation, especially if the dinner is to be fairly informal. +This sort of invitation should, however, be extremely simple. I think +that most well-informed hostesses would agree that the following is too +verbose: + + + DEAR MR. BURPEE. + + It would give us great pleasure if you would dine with us on + Monday next at seven-thirty. By the way, did you know that Mr. + Sheldon died yesterday of pneumonia? + Cordially, + ESTELLE G. BESSERABO. + + +For receptions in honor of noted guests, word the invitation in this +manner: + + + MR. AND MRS. CORNELIUS VANDERBILT + + request the pleasure of your company + + on Friday evening February sixth + + from nine to twelve + + AT DELMONICO'S + + to meet Asst. Fire-Chief CHARLEY SCHMIDT and + + Mrs. SCHMIDT + + +Invitations to graduating exercises are worded thus: + + THE SENIOR CLASS + + of the + + SOUTH ROCHESTER FEMALE DENTAL INSTITUTE + + requests the honor of your presence at the + + Commencement Exercises + + on Tuesday evening, June the fifth + + at eight o'clock + + MASONIC OPERA HOUSE + + "That Six- Orchestra. + + +ACCEPTANCES AND REGRETS + +Responses to invitations usually take the form of "acceptances" or +"regrets." It is never correct, for example, to write the following sort +of note: + + DEAR MRS. CRONICK: + + Your invitation for the 12th inst. received and in reply would + advise that I am not at the present time in a position to signify + whether or not I can accept. Could you at your convenience + furnish me with additional particulars re the proposed + affair--number of guests, character of refreshments, size of + orchestra, etc.? Awaiting an early reply, I am, + Yours truly, + ALFRED CASS NAPE. + + +If one wishes to attend the party, one "accepts" on a clean sheet of +note-paper with black ink from a "fountain" pen or inkwell. A hostess +should not, however, make the mistake of thinking that a large number of +"acceptances" implies that anybody really wishes to attend her party. + +The following is a standard form of acceptance: + + + Dr. Tanner accepts with pleasure the kind invitation of Mrs. + Frederick Cummings Bussey for Thursday evening, December twelfth, + at half after eight. + +This note need not be signed. The following "acceptance" is decidedly +demode: + + DEAR MRS. ASTOR: + + Will I be at your ball? Say, can a duck swim? + Count on me sure. FRED. + + +It is also incorrect and somewhat boorish to write "accepted" across the +face of the invitation and return it signed to the hostess. + +If one does not care to attend the party, one often sends one's +"regrets" although one just as often sends one's "acceptances," +depending largely upon the social position of one's hostess. The proper +form of "regret" is generally as follows: + + + Alice Ben Bolt regrets that she will be unable to accept the kind + invitation of Major General and Mrs. Hannafield for Wednesday + evening at half after eight. + + +Sometimes it is better to explain in some manner the cause of the +"regret," as for example: + + + Alice Ben Bolt regrets that, owing to an ulcerated tooth in the + left side of her mouth, and severe neuralgic pains all up and + down her left side, she will be unable to accept the kind + invitation of Major General and Mrs. Hannafield for Wednesday + evening at half after eight, at "The Bananas." + +This is not, however, always necessary. + +{illustration caption = This is an admirable picture with which to test +the "kiddies'" knowledge of good manners at a dinner table. It will +also keep them occupied as a puzzle picture since the "faux pas" +illustrated herewith will probably not be apparent to the little +ones except after careful examination. If, however, they have been +conscientiously trained it will not be long, before the brighter ones +discover that the spoon has been incorrectly left standing in the cup, +that the coffee is being served from the right instead of the left side, +and that the lettering of the motto on the wall too nearly resembles +the German style to be quite "au fait" in the home of any red-blooded +American citizen.} + + +{illustration caption = Dessert has been reached and the gentleman +in the picture is perspiring freely--in itself a deplorable breach of +etiquette. He has been attempting all evening to engage the ladies on +either side of him in conversation on babies, Camp's Reducing Exercises, +politics, Camp's Developing Exercises, music or Charlie Chaplin, only to +be rebuffed by a haughty chin on the one hand and a cold shoulder on +the other. If he had taken the precaution to consult Stewart's Lightning +Calculator of Dinner Table Conversation (one of the many aids to social +success to be found in PERFECT BEHAVIOR) he would have realized the +bad taste characterizing his choice of topics and would not have made +himself a marked figure at this well-appointed dinner table.} + + + + +CHAPTER NINE: THE ETIQUETTE OF DINNERS AND BALLS + +FORMAL DINNERS IN AMERICA + +Eating is an extremely old custom and has been practiced by the better +classes of society almost without interruption from earliest times. And +"society," like the potentate of the parable whose touch transformed +every object into gold, has embellished and adorned the all-too-common +habit of eating, until there has been evolved throughout the ages that +most charming and exquisite product of human culture--the formal dinner +party. The gentleman of today who delightedly dons his dress suit and +escorts into a ten-course dinner some lady mountain climber or other +celebrity, is probably little aware of what he owes to his forefathers +for having so painstakingly devised for him such a pleasant method of +spending his time. + +But "before one runs, one must learn to walk"--and the joys of the +dinner-party are not to be partaken of without a long preliminary course +of training, as many a young man has learned to his sorrow when he +discovered that his inelegant use of knife and fork was causing humorous +comment up and down the "board" and was drawing upon himself the haughty +glances of an outraged hostess. The first requisite of success in dining +out is the possession of a complete set of correct table manners--and +these, like anything worth while, can be achieved only by patient study +and daily practise. + + +TABLE MANNERS FOR CHILDREN + +AS a matter of fact, it is never too early to begin to acquire the +technique of correct eating, and the nursery is the best possible place +for the first lessons in dining-room behavior. Children should be taught +at an early age the fundamentals of "table" manners in such a way that +by the time they have reached the years of manhood the correct use of +knife, fork, spoon and fingerbowl is to them almost second nature. But +the parents should remember, above everything else, to instruct their +children in such a way that the pupil takes pleasure in his lessons. +This is the method which is employed today in every successful school +or "kindergarten"; this is the method which really produces satisfactory +results. + +Thus, for example, if you are a father and your boy Edward persists in +bringing his pet tadpole to the table in a glass jar, you should +not punish or scold him; a much more effective and graphic method of +correcting this habit would be for you to suddenly pick up the tadpole +one day at luncheon and swallow it. No whipping or scolding would so +impress upon the growing boy the importance of the fact that the dinner +table is not the place for pets. + +Another effective way of teaching table manners to children consists +in making up attractive games about the various lessons to be learned. +Thus, whenever you have guests for dinner, the children can play "Boner" +which consists in watching the visitor closely all during the meal in +order to catch him in any irregularity in table etiquette. As soon as +the guest has committed a mistake, the first Child to discover it points +his finger at him and shouts, "Pulled a Boner, Pulled a Boner!" and the +boy or girl who discovers the greatest number of "Boners" during the +evening is rewarded with a prize, based on the following table of +points: + + If the guest has dirty hands, 5 points. + If the guest uses wrong fork or spoon, 5 points. + If the guest chokes on bone, 8 points. + If the guest blows on soup, 5 points. + If the guest drops fork or spoon, 3 points. + If the guest spills soup on table, 10 points. + If the guest spills soup on self, 1 point. + + +Of course it is often well to tell the guests about the game in advance +in order that they may not feel embarrassed but will enter thoroughly +into the spirit of this helpful sport. + + +A CHILD'S GARDEN OF ETIQUETTE + +Children can also acquire knowledge more easily if it is imparted to +them in the form of verse or easy rhymes, and many valuable facts about +the dinner table can be embodied in children's verses. A few of these +which I can remember from my own happy childhood are as follows: + + Oh, wouldn't it be jolly + To be a nice hors d'oeuvre + And just bring joy to people + Whom fondest you were of. + + Soup is eaten with a spoon + But not to any haunting tune. + + Oysters live down in the sea + In zones both temp. and torrid, + And when they are good they are very good indeed, + And when they are bad they are horrid. + + My papa makes a lovely Bronx + With gin so rare and old, + And two of them will set you right + But four will knock you cold. + + The boys with Polly will not frolic + Because she's eaten too much garlic. + Mama said the other day, + "A little goes a long, long way." + + A wind came up out of the sea + And said, "Those dams are not for me." + + Uncle Frank choked on a bone + From eating shad au gratin + Aunt Ethel said it served him right + And went back to her flat in + NEWARK (spoken) + Poor Uncle Frank! (chanted) + + I love my little finger bowl + So full of late filet of sole. + + Cousin George at lunch one day + Remarked, "That apple looks quite tasty. + Now George a dentist's bill must pay + Because he was so very hasty. + The proverb's teachings we must hold + "All that glitters is not gold." + And mama said to George, "Oh, shoot, + You've gone and ruined my glass fruit." + + Jim broke bread into his soup, + Jim knocked Mrs. Vanderbilt for a loop. + Kate drank from her finger bowl, + Kate knocked Mrs. Vanderbilt for a goal. + Children who perform such tricks + Are socially in Class G-6. + + +ETIQUETTE IN THE SCHOOL + +OF course, as the children become older, the instruction should +gradually come to embrace all forms of correct behaviour, and the +youthful games and rhymes should give way to the more complex and +intricate problems of mature social etiquette. It is suggested that the +teachings during this period may be successfully combined with the +young gentleman's or lady's other schoolroom studies; in the case of +mathematics, for example, the instruction might be handled in somewhat +the following manner: + + +A Problem in Mathematics (7th grade) + +A swimmer starts across a stream which is 450 yards wide. He swims for +five minutes at the rate of three miles per hour, and for three minutes +at the rate of four miles per hour. He then reaches the other bank, +where he sees a young lady five feet ten inches tall, walking around a +tree, in a circle the circumference of which is forty-two yards. + + A. What is the diameter of the circle? + B. How fast is the current flowing in the stream? + C. At what point would the swimmer land if there were no current + in the stream? + D. At what point does the swimmer actually land? + E. But suppose that he has no bathing suit on? + + +And so, when the young person has reached the age for his first formal +dinner party, he will undoubtedly be able to handle the fundamentals of +correct etiquette in a satisfactory manner. But, as in every sport or +profession, there are certain refinements--certain niceties which +come only after long experience--and it is with a view of helping the +ambitious diner-out to master these more complex details, that I suggest +that he study carefully the following "unwritten laws" which govern +every dinner party. + +In the first place, a guest is supposed tacitly to consent to the menu +which the hostess has arranged, and the diner-out who makes a habit of +saying "Squab, you know, never agrees with me--I wonder if I might have +a couple of poached eggs," is apt to find that such squeamishness does +not pay in the long run. + +Practical jokes are never countenanced at a formal affair of this sort. +I do not mean that a certain amount of good-natured fun is out of place, +but such "stunts" as pulling the hostess' chair out from under her--or +gleefully kicking the shins of your neighbor under the table and +shouting "Guess who?"--are decidedly among the "non-ests" of correct +modern dinner-table behaviour. + +Then, too, it is now distinctly bad form to practise legerdemain +or feats of sleight-of-hand at a dinner party. Time was when it was +considered correct for a young man who could do card or other tricks to +add to the gayety of the party by displaying his skill, but that time +is past, and the guest of today, who thinks to make a "hit" by pulling a +live rabbit or a potted plant from the back of the mystified hostess or +one of the butlers, is in reality only making a "fool" of himself if +he only knew it. The same "taboo" also holds good as concerns feats of +juggling and no hostess of today will, I am sure, ever issue a second +invitation to a young man who has attempted to enliven her evening by +balancing, on his nose, a knife, a radish, a plate of soup and a lighted +candle. "Cleverness" is a valuable asset but only up to a certain +point, and I know of one unfortunately "clever" young chap who almost +completely ruined a promising social career by the unexpected failure +of one of his pet juggling tricks and the consequent dumping of a large +dish of mashed potatoes on the head of a vice-president of the Equitable +Trust Company. Besides, people almost always distrust "clever" persons. + +It does not "do," either, to "ride your hobby" at a dinner party, and +the real truth as to the cause of the sudden social ostracism of +young Freddie H----, a New York clubman of some years ago (now happily +deceased), is that on one occasion this young fellow, who had developed +a craze for marksmanship amounting almost to a mania, very nearly ruined +a dinner party given by a prominent Boston society matron by attempting +to shoot the whiskers off a certain elderly gentleman, who happened to +be a direct descendant of John Smith and Priscilla Alden. + +It might also be remarked that the possession of certain physical +gifts--such as the ability to wriggle one's ears or do the "splits"--is +in itself no "open sesame" to lasting social success. "Slow and sure" +is a good rule for the young man to follow, and although he may somewhat +enviously watch his more brilliant colleagues as they gain momentary +applause by their ability to throw their thumbs out of joint or squirt +water through a hole in their front teeth, yet he may console himself +with the thought that "the race is not always to the swift" and that +"Rome was not built in a day." The gifts of this world have been +distributed fairly equally, and you may be sure that the young girl who +has been born a ventriloquist very likely is totally unable to spell +difficult words correctly or carry even a simple tune. Ventriloquism, by +the way, is also passing out as a form of dinner party diversion, and it +is no longer considered a priceless accomplishment to be able to make a +dog bark or a baby cry under the hostess's chair. + + +CONVERSATION AT DINNER + +Gradually, however, conversation--real conversation--is coming into its +own as the favorite pastime of dinner guests, and the young man or lady +who can keep the conversational "ball" rolling is coming more and more +into demand. Good conversationalists are, I fear, born and not made--but +by study and practise any ambitious young man can probably acquire the +technique, and, with time, mould himself into the kind of person upon +whom hostesses depend for the success of their party. As an aid in this +direction I have prepared the following chart which I would advise all +my readers to cut out and paste in some convenient place so that at +their next dinner party it can be readily consulted. + + +STEWART'S LIGHTNING CALCULATOR OF DINNER TABLE CONVERSATION + +This chart divides the dinner into its various courses, and under each +course is given what I call an "opening sentence," together with your +partner's probable reply and the topic which is then introduced for +discussion. And, most valuable of all, under each such topic I have +listed certain helpful facts which will enable you to prolong the +conversation along those lines until the arrival of the next course, +and the consequent opening of another field for discussion. The chart +follows: + +I. Cocktails. + +You say to the partner on your right: "What terrible gin!" She (he) +replies: "Perfectly ghastly." This leads to a discussion of: Some +Aspects of Alcohol. Helpful Facts: + +1. An oyster soaked in alcohol becomes quite rigid in eleven minutes. + +2. Senator Volstead was born Sept. 4, 1869. + +3. Alcohol, if taken in too great quantities, often produces internal +disorders. + +II. Oysters. + +You say to the partner on your right: "Think of being an oyster!" + +She (he) replies: "How perfectly ghastly." + +This leads to a discussion of: Home Life of Oysters. + +Helpful Facts: + +1. The average life of an oyster is 38 days, 11 hours. + +2. Polygamy is practised among certain classes of oysters. + +3. The first oyster was eaten by Ossip Gatch, a Pole (d. 1783). + +III. Fish. + +You say to the partner at your right: "Do you enjoy fish?" + +She (he) replies: "I simply adore fish." + +This leads to a discussion of: Fish--Then, and Now. + +Helpful Facts: + +1. Fish make notoriously bad pets, whereas seals can be taught to do +many novel tricks. + +2. Gloucester (Mass.) smells badly in summer. + +3. Gloucester (Mass.) smells badly in winter. + + +IV. Meat. You say to the partner at your right: "Have you ever been +through the Stock-Yards?" + +She (he) replies: "No." ("Yes.") + +This leads to a discussion of: "The Meat Industry in America." + +Helpful Facts: + +1. Every time a street car goes over the Brooklyn Bridge, a steer is +killed in Chicago--and oftener. + +2. Raw beefsteak in quantities is harmful to children under two years of +age. + +3. A man died recently in Topeka, Kansas, weighing 312 pounds. + +4. Many prominent people live on the North Side of Chicago. + +V. Salad. + +You say to the partner at your right: "What is your favorite salad?" + +She (he) replies: "I don't know, what's yours?" + +This leads to a discussion of: Favorite Things. + + +Helpful Facts: + +1. Richard Barthelmess is married. + +2. B. V. D. stands for "Best Value Delivered." + +3. Amy Lowell is fond of cigars. + +VI. Dessert. + +You say to the partner at your right: "I love ice cream." + +She (he) replies: "So do I." + +This leads to a discussion of: Love. + +Helpful Facts: + +1. New York is the hardest state in which to get a divorce in America. + +2. Dr. Sigmund Freud is now living in Vienna, Austria. + +3. D. H. Lawrence has a black beard. + + +BALLS AND DANCES + +In order to succeed in the modern ballroom, and especially in the +ballrooms of our exclusive country clubs, a young gentleman or lady of +fashion must today be possessed of the following two requisites: i. +A "Line." 2. A closed car. The latter of these "sine qua nons" is now +owned as a matter of course by most families and is no longer regarded +as a mark of distinction. The former requisite, however, is not so +common, but it is nevertheless true that any young person with ambition +and a good memory can eventually acquire a quite effective "Line." It +is a great aid in this direction if one happens to have spent a year or +more at one of our leading eastern universities or "finishing schools." +These vary, of course, in degree of excellence, but it does not pay +to be dogmatic on this subject, and to those who would insist that the +Princeton "Line" is more effective than the Harvard ditto, or that the +Westover "Line" flows more smoothly than that of Farmington or Spence, +one can only say "De gustibus non disputandum est." "Lines" vary also +in accordance with the different types of girls who happen to be using +them, and (to misquote a rather vulgar proverb) "What is one girl's food +may be another girl's poison." Thus it happens that the "Line" which is +most universally and interminably employed by the "beautiful" type of +girl (consisting, in its entirety, of the three words "How perfectly +priceless") would never in the world do for the young miss whose chief +asset is a kind heart or a love for really good books. + + +{illustration caption = The above diagram (one of man), filling the +instructive and refined pages of PERFECT BEHAVIOR, will serve as a model +to any debutante or dancing man who seriously sets out to achieve social +eminence. It is only fair to warn aspirants that rigid adherence to +the formula is essential and that any slight slackening of the pace +is likely to prove fatal. On the other hand, we confidently guarantee +complete success to those who, in reverence and faith, keep the final +goal always in sight. His (or hers) be it to keep the sacred flame +burning and to pass the torch along from father to son, from mother +to daughter till the end of time, or so long as they do not make any +mesalliances, which is just as important in America, whatever may be +said to the contrary, as among our "English cousins."} + + + +MIXED DANCING + +Another quality which is often helpful on the dance floor, especially +to girls, is the ability to dance. This seems to have become largely a +trick of keeping abreast of the latest "mode" and while, personally, I +greatly regret the passing of the stately lancers and other dignified +"round dances," yet, if "mixed dancing" has come to stay, it is the +duty of every young person to learn to dance as well as possible in +the generally accepted manner, even though this often involves some +compromising of one's amour propre. + +But in addition to all these necessary qualifications the really great +person--the true super man or woman of the ballroom--must be possessed +of that certain divine something, that je ne sais quoi ability to rise +superior to all occasions, to overcome the most difficult situations, +which has distinguished the great men and women of all ages. Joan of Arc +had it, George Washington had it, Napoleon had it--and I venture to say +that any of these three, had they lived today, Would have been a social +success. But perhaps this fact can best be illustrated by taking a +typical instance in the ballroom in which "When duty whispered low 'Thou +must,' the youth replied 'I can.'" + + +HINTS FOR STAGS + +Let us suppose, for example, that you are a young man who has been +invited to a dance to be given at the East Shore Country Club. It is +your original intention, let us say, to attend as a "stag," but on the +afternoon of the party you receive a note from a young lady of your +acquaintance asking if you would be so kind as to accompany to the ball +a guest of hers, a "sweet girl from South Orange" who was in her class +at college. + +The correct costume for a dance of this sort is usually a dinner coat +with a black or white vest, and when you have robed yourself correctly, +you should drive in your car to the young lady's home. There you are +presented to the sweet girl from South Orange, who is six feet tall and +has protruding teeth. After the customary words of greeting and a few +brief bits of pleasantry, you set off with your partner for the dance. + +Arrived at the East Shore Club, you find the party in "full swing," +and after shaking hands with your host and hostess, you should ask your +partner if she would care to dance. + +The first three times that she steps on your left foot, you should +politely murmur, "My fault." But when she begins to sing in your ear it +is proper to steer her over toward the "stag line" in order to petition +for an injunction or a temporary restraining order. + +The "stag line" consists of a group of the wisest, shrewdest and most +hard-hearted young men ever gathered together under one roof. The +original purpose of a "stag line" was to provide a place where +unattached young men might stand while searching for a partner, but the +institution has now come to be a form of Supreme Court, passing life or +death sentence upon the various debutantes who pass before it. + +After you have piloted your partner five times along the length of this +line you have a pretty fair idea as to her merits or demerits, and, in +this particular case, you have a pretty fair idea as to just what the +evening holds out for you. When the music stops you should therefore +lead the girl over to a chair and ask to be allowed to bring her a glass +of punch. + +Instead of going directly to the punch bowl, you should turn your steps +toward the "stag line." There you will find several young men whom only +as late as that afternoon you counted among your very best friends, but +who do not, at the present, seem to remember ever having met you before. +Seizing the arm of one of these you say, "Tom, I want you to meet----" +That is as far as you will get, for Tom will suddenly interrupt you +by remarking, "Excuse me a minute, Ed--, I see a girl over there I've +simply got to speak to. I'll come right back." + +He will not come right back. He will not come back at all. And after you +have met with the same response from four other so-called friends, you +should return to the South Orange visitor and "carry on." + +At the end of the second hour, however, your mind should begin to +clear, and if you are at all possessed of the qualifications for future +ballroom leadership, you should gradually throw off the slough of +despond and determine to make a fight for life, liberty and the pursuit +of happiness. And when the music has once more ceased, you should ask +your partner if she would not care to take a jaunt in the open air. + +"I know a lovely walk," you should say, "across a quaint old bridge." + +The rest is, of course, easy. Arrived in the middle of the quaint old +bridge, which leads across a cavern some three hundred feet deep, you +should quickly seize the tall college graduate, and push her, not too +roughly or ungentlemanly, off the bridge. + +And, if you are really a genius, and not merely "one of the crowd" you +will return to the ballroom and, going up to the young lady who was +responsible for your having met the sweet girl from South Orange, you +will offer her your arm, and smile invitingly. + +"I know a lovely walk," you will say, "across a quaint old bridge." + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Perfect Behavior, by Donald Ogden Stewart + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PERFECT BEHAVIOR *** + +***** This file should be named 1446.txt or 1446.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/4/1446/ + +Produced by Charles Keller + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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If you are not located in the United States, you'll have +to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. + +Title: Perfect Behavior + A Guide for Ladies and Gentlemen in all Social Crises + +Author: Donald Ogden Stewart + +Illustrator: Ralph Barton + +Release Date: September, 1998 [EBook #1446] +[Most recently updated: February 14, 2020] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PERFECT BEHAVIOR *** + + + + +Produced by Charles Keller, and David Widger + + + + +Perfect Behavior + +by Donald Ogden Stewart + +Illustrated by Ralph Barton + +A Guide for Ladies and Gentlemen in all Social Crises + +[Illustration] + +Those who are not self-possessed obtrude +and pain us.—EMERSON + +A parody outline of etiquette by the Author of “A Parody +Outline of History” + +The perfect gentleman is he who never unintentionally causes +pain.—OLD PROVERB + + + TO THE BRIDEGROOM WHOSE WEDDING WAS RUINED + BECAUSE THE BRIDE CAME DOWN THE AISLE + ON THE RIGHT INSTEAD OF THE LEFT + ARM OF HER FATHER + _With Deepest Sympathy_ + +Contents + + CHAPTER ONE: THE ETIQUETTE OF COURTSHIP + CHAPTER TWO: THE ETIQUETTE OF ENGAGEMENTS AND WEDDINGS + CHAPTER THREE: THE ETIQUETTE OF TRAVEL + CHAPTER FOUR: AT THE CONCERT AND THE OPERA + CHAPTER FIVE: ETIQUETTE FOR DRY AGENTS + CHAPTER SIX: A CHAPTER FOR SCHOOLGIRLS + CHAPTER SEVEN: THE ETIQUETTE OF GAMES AND SPORTS + CHAPTER EIGHT: CORRESPONDENCE AND INVITATIONS + CHAPTER NINE: THE ETIQUETTE OF DINNERS AND BALLS + + + CONTENTS + +I. THE ETIQUETTE OF COURTSHIP A Few Words about Love—Curious Incident +in a Yellow Taxicab—A Silly Girl—Correct Introductions and how to Make +Them—A Well Known Congressman’s Ludicrous Mistake in a Turkish +Bath—Cards and Flowers—Flowers and their Message in Courtship—“A Clean +Tooth Never Decays”—Receiving an Invitation to Call—The Etiquette of +Telephoning-A Telephone Girl’s Horrible End—Making the First +Call—Conversation and Some of its Uses—A Proper Call—The Proposal +Proper-The Proposal Improper—What Henry Wadsworth Longfellow Said to +the ex-Clergyman’s Niece. + +II. THE ETIQUETTE OF ENGAGEMENTS AND WEDDINGS The Historic +Aspect—Announcing the Engagement—A Breton Fisher Girl’s Experience with +a Traveling Salesman—The Bride-to-Be—The Engagement Luncheon—Selecting +the Bridal Party—Invitations and Wedding Presents—A Good Joke on the +Groom—“Madam, those are my trousers”—Duties of the Best Man—A Demented +Taxidermist’s Strange Gift—The Bride’s Tea—The Maid of Honor—What Aunt +Edna Saw on the Club Porch-The Bachelor Dinner and After-Some Practical +Uses for Bi-Carbonate of Soda—The Rehearsal—The Bridal Dinner—A Church +Wedding. + +III. THE ETIQUETTE OF TRAVEL Hints for the Correct +Pedestrianism—Description of a Walk around Philadelphia with a Pueblo +Indian in 1837—Travelling by Rail— Good Form on a Street Car—In the +Subway—Fun with an Old Gentleman’s Whiskers—A Honeymoon in a +Subway—Travelling under Steam-A Correct Night in a Pullman-What Burton +Holmes Found in His Lower Berth. + +IV. AT THE CONCERT AND THE OPERA Listening to a Symphony +Orchestra—Curious Effect of Debussy’s “Apres-midi d’un Faune” and four +gin fizzes on Uncle Frederick—“No, fool like an old fool”—Correct +Behavior at a Piano Recital—Choosing One’s Nearest Exit—In a Box at the +Opera—What a Kansas City Society Leader Did with Her Old Victrola +Records. + +V. ETIQUETTE FOR DRY AGENTS Some Broader Aspects of +Prohibition—Interesting Effect of Whisky on Goldfish—The College +Graduate as Dry Agent—Aunt Emily’s Amusing Experiences with a Quart of +Gin Planning a Dry Raid on a Masquerade Ball A Word About Correct +Costumes—A California Motion Picture Actress’s Bad Taste—Good Form for +Dry Agents During a Raid-What the New York Clubman Said About Mr. +Volstead. + +VI. A CHAPTER FOR SCHOOLGIRLS Selecting a Proper School—Account of an +Interesting Trip Down the Eric Canal with Miss Spence—Correct Equipment +for the Schoolgirl—En Route—ln New York—A journey Around the +City—Description of the Visit of Ed. Pinaud to the Aquarium in 1858—The +First Days in the New School—“After Lights” in a Dormitory—An “Old +Schoolgirl’s” Confessions—Becoming Acclimatized—A Visitor from +Princeton-Strange Pets. + +VII. THE ETIQUETTE OF GAMES AND SPORTS Golf as a Pastime—What Henry +Ward Beecher Said When He Broke His Niblic—An Afternoon at the Old Farm +with the Dice—“Shoot you for your ear trumpet, grandfather!”—Correct +Behavior on a Picnic—A Swedish Nobleman’s Curious Method of Eating +Potato Chips—Boxing in American Society—A Good Joke on an Amateur +Boxer—“He didn’t know it was Jack Dempsey!”—Bridge Whist—Formal and +Informal Drinking—A jolly Hallowe’en Party—Invitations—Receiving the +Guests—How to Mystify—Games. + +VIII. CORRESPONDENCE AND INVITATIONS Correspondence for Young +Ladies—College Boys How to Order a Full Dress Suit by Mail—Letters to +Parents—A Prominent Retired Bank President’s Advice to +Correspondents—Letters from Parents—Peculiarities of the Divorce Laws +of New York—Letters to Prospective Fathers-in-Law—A Correct Form of +Letter to a Society Matron Asking Her How About that Grocery Bill for +Eighty-Two Dollars and Sixty-Seven Cents—Love Letters—Correspondence of +Public Officials—-Letters to Strangers—Letters to Newspapers, +Magazines, etc.—Invitations, Acceptances and Regrets. + +IX. THE ETIQUETTE OF DINNERS AND BALLS Formal Dinners in America-Table +Manners for Children—Removing Stains from Gray Silk—A Child’s Garden of +Etiquette—Etiquette in the School—Conversation at Dinner—What a New +Jersey Lady Did with Her Olive Seeds—Stewart’s Lightning Calculator of +Dinner Table Conversation—“It Seems that Pat and Mike”—Balls and +Dances—-Artificial Respiration—Mixed Dancing—Hints for Stags. A Word of +Warning and Encouragement + + + + +CHAPTER ONE: THE ETIQUETTE OF COURTSHIP + + + A FEW WORDS ABOUT LOVE + + Courtship is one of the oldest of social customs, even antedating + in some countries such long-established usages as marriage, or + the wearing of white neckties with full evening dress. The + beginnings of the etiquette of courtship were apparently + connected in some way with the custom of “love” between the + sexes, and many of the old amatory forms still survive in the + modern courtship. It is generally agreed among students of the + history of etiquette that when “love” first began to become + popular among the better class of younger people they took to it + with such avidity that it was necessary to devise some sort of + rules for the conduct of formal or informal love-making. These + rules, together with various amendments, now constitute the + etiquette of courtship. + + Suppose, for example, that you are a young gentleman named + Richard Roe desirous of entering upon a formal courtship with + some refined young girl of fashion. You are also, being a college + graduate, engaged in the bond business. One morning there comes + into your financial institution a young lady, named Dorothy Doe, + who at once attracts your attention by her genteel manners, as + exemplified by the fact that she calls the president of your + company “father.” So many young people seem to think it “smart” + to refer to their parents as “dad” or “my old man”; you are + certain, as soon as you hear her say “Hello, father” to your + employer, that she is undoubtedly a worthy object of courtship. + + CORRECT INTRODUCTIONS; HOW TO MAKE THEM + + Your first step should be, of course, the securing of an + introduction. Introductions still play an important part in + social intercourse, and many errors are often perpetrated by + those ignorant of _savoir faire_ (correct form). When introducing + a young lady to a stranger for example, it is not _au fait_ + (correct form) to simply say, “Mr. Roe, I want you to shake hands + with my friend Dorothy.” Under the rules of the _beau monde_ + (correct form) this would probably be done as follows: “Dorothy + (or Miss Doe), shake hands with Mr. Roe.” Always give the name of + the lady first, unless you are introducing some one to the + President of the United States, the Archbishop of Canterbury, a + member of the nobility above a baron, or a customer. The person + who is being “introduced” then extends his (or her) right + ungloved hand and says, “Shake.” You “shake,” saying at the same + time, “It’s warm (cool) for November (May),” to which the other + replies, “I’ll say it is.” + + This brings up the interesting question of introducing two people + to each other, neither of whose names you can remember. This is + generally done by saying very quickly to one of the parties, “Of + course you know Miss Unkunkunk.” Say the last “unk” very quickly, + so that it sounds like any name from Ab to Zinc. You might even + sneeze violently. Of course, in nine cases out of ten, one of the + two people will at once say, “I didn’t get the name,” at which + you laugh, “Ha! Ha! Ha!” in a carefree manner several times, + saying at the same time, “Well, well—so you didn’t get the + name—you didn’t get the name—well, well.” If the man still + persists in wishing to know who it is to whom he is being + introduced, the best procedure consists in simply braining him on + the spot with a club or convenient slab of paving stone. + + The “introduction,” in cases where you have no mutual friend to + do the introducing, is somewhat more difficult but can generally + be arranged as follows: + + Procure a few feet of stout manila rope or clothes-line, from any + of the better-class hardware stores. Ascertain (from the Social + Register, preferably) the location of the young lady’s residence, + and go there on some dark evening about nine o’clock. Fasten the + rope across the sidewalk in front of the residence about six + inches or a foot from the ground. Then, with the aid of a match + and some kerosene, set fire to the young lady’s house in several + places and retire behind a convenient tree. After some time, if + she is at home, she will probably be forced to run out of her + house to avoid being burned to death. In her excitement she will + fail to notice the rope which you have stretched across the + sidewalk and will fall. This is your opportunity to obtain an + introduction. Stepping up to her and touching your hat politely, + you say, in a well modulated voice, “I beg your pardon, Miss Doe, + but I cannot help noticing that you are lying prone on the + sidewalk.” If she is well bred, she will not at first speak to + you, as you are a perfect stranger. This silence, however, should + be your cue to once more tip your hat and remark, “I realize, + Miss Doe, that I have not had the honor of an introduction, but + you will admit that you are lying prone on the sidewalk. Here is + my card—and here is one for Mrs. Doe, your mother.” At that you + should hand her two plain engraved calling cards, each containing + your name and address. If there are any other ladies in her + family—aunts, grandmothers, et cetera—it is correct to leave + cards for them also. Be sure that the cards are clean, as the + name on the calling card is generally sufficient for + identification purposes without the addition of the thumbprint. + + When she has accepted your cards, she will give you one of hers, + after which it will be perfectly correct for you to assist her to + rise from the sidewalk. Do not, however, press your attentions + further upon her at this time, but after expressing the proper + regret over her misfortune it would be well to bow and retire. + +[Illustration] + +Table Manners Betray One’s Bringing-Up _Every one knows that table +manners betray one’s bringing-up mercilessly. The young man in the +picture has good reason to wish a meteorite would fall on him. His +perpendicularity has just been restored by a deft upward movement of +Aunt Harriet’s shoulder, upon which he had inadvertently rested his +head during a quiet snooze while Cousin Edna was making her little +speech at the Bridal Dinner._ PERFECT BEHAVIOR _would have Pasteurized +him against even Bridal Dinners_. + +[Illustration] + +Hat? Toupee? or Book? _When a woman recognizes and nods to a man to +whom she has been formally introduced several times, or to whom she has +been married, is the man expected to accept the greeting and politely +lift his hat or should he lift both his hat and his toupee? Street +etiquette is disposed authoritatively and finally in_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR. + +[Illustration] + +Park Benches and Their Uses _You are, let us pretend, walking in the +park. You come upon two benches arranged as shown in the above diagram. +Would you know which bench it would be proper to sit on if you are (1) +a young man just out of college—(2) a rather homely young woman? To +avoid embarrassment look this up in_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR. + +[Illustration] + +Travelling with a Player Piano _A jolly crowd is boarding the 4:56 for +a house-party in the suburbs. The gentleman at the right, having been +educated abroad, has never learned to play the ukelele, the banjo, the +jew’s harp or the saxophone, and is, with the best intentions in the +world, attempting to contribute his share to the gaiety of the coming +evenings by bringing along his player-piano. Would you—be honest!—have +recognized his action as a serious social blunder without having +referred to_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR? + +[Illustration] + +A Child, a Banana, A Hard-Boiled Egg _The young mother in the picture +is traveling from one point to another in a Pullman. In the effort to +commit as great a nuisance as possible, she has provided her child with +a banana and a hard boiled egg. Not having dipped into the chapter on +travel in_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR, _she is ignorant of the fact that a peach +would have produced quite as much mess and far more permanent stains +and a folding cup for the water cooler would have spread the +disturbance over a wider area_. + + CARDS AND FLOWERS + + The next day, however, you should send flowers, enclosing another + of your cards. It might be well to write some message on the card + recalling the events of the preceding evening—nothing intimate, + but simply a reminder of your first meeting and a suggestion that + you might possibly desire to continue the acquaintanceship. + Quotations from poetry of the better sort are always appropriate; + thus, on this occasion, it might be nice to write on the card + accompanying the flowers—“‘This is the forest primeval’—H. W. + Longfellow,” or “‘Take, oh take, those lips away’—W. + Shakespeare.” You will find there are hundreds of lines equally + appropriate for this and other occasions, and in this connection + it might be well to display a little originality at times by + substituting pertinent verses of your own in place of the + conventional quotations. For example—“This is the forest + primeval, I regret your last evening’s upheaval,” shows the young + lady in question that not only are you well-read in classic + poetry, but also you have no mean talent of your own. Too much + originality, however, is dangerous, especially in polite social + intercourse, and I need hardly remind you that the floors of the + social ocean are watered with the tears of those who seek to walk + on their own hook. + + Within a week after you have sent the young lady the flowers, you + should receive a polite note of thanks, somewhat as follows: “My + dear Mr. Roe: Those lovely flowers came quite as a surprise. They + are lovely, and I cannot thank you enough for your + thoughtfulness. Their lovely fragrance fills my room as I write, + and I wish to thank you again. It was lovely of you.” + + FLOWERS AND THEIR MESSAGE IN COURTSHIP + + It is now time to settle down to the more serious business of + courtship. Her letter shows beyond the shadow of a figurative + doubt that she is “interested,” and the next move is “up to you.” + Probably she will soon come into the office to see her father, in + which case you should have ready at hand some appropriate gift, + such as, for example, a nice potted geranium. Great care should + be taken, however, that it is a plant of the correct species, for + in the etiquette of courtship all flowers have different meanings + and many a promising affair has been ruined because a suitor sent + his lady a buttercup, meaning “That’s the last dance I’ll ever + take you to, you big cow,” instead of a plant with a more tender + significance. Some of the commoner flowers and their meaning in + courtship are as follows: + + Fringed Gentian—“I am going out to get a shave. Back at 3:30.” + + Poppy—“I would be proud to be the father of your children.” + + Golden-rod—“I hear that you have hay-fever.” + + Tuberose—“Meet me Saturday at the Fourteenth Street subway + station.” + + Blood-root—“Aunt Kitty murdered Uncle Fred Thursday.” + + Dutchman’s Breeches—“That case of Holland gin and Old Tailor has + arrived. Come on over.” + + Iris—“Could you learn to love an optician?” + + Aster—“Who was that stout Jewish-looking party I saw you with in + the hotel lobby Friday?” + + Deadly Nightshade—“Pull down those blinds, quick!” + + Passion Flower—“Phone Main 1249—ask for Eddie.” + + Raspberry—“I am announcing my engagement to Charlie O’Keefe + Tuesday.” + + Wild Thyme—“I have seats for the Hippodrome Saturday afternoon.” + + The above flowers can also be combined to make different + meanings, as, for example, a bouquet composed of three tuberoses + and some Virginia creeper generally signifies the following, “The + reason I didn’t call for you yesterday was that I had three inner + tube punctures, besides a lot of engine trouble in that old car I + bought in Virginia last year. Gosh, I’m sorry!” + + But to return to the etiquette of our present courtship. As Miss + Doe leaves the office you follow her, holding the potted plant in + your left hand. After she has gone a few paces you step up to + her, remove your hat (or cap) with your right hand, and offer her + the geranium, remarking, “I beg your pardon, miss, but didn’t you + drop this?” A great deal depends upon the manner in which you + offer the plant and the way she receives it. If you hand it to + her with the flower pointing upward it means, “Dare I hope?” + Reversed, it signifies, “Your petticoat shows about an inch, or + an inch and a half.” If she receives the plant in her right hand, + it means, “I am”; left hand, “You are”; both hands—“He, she or it + is.” If, however, she takes the pot firmly in both hands and + breaks it with great force on your head, the meaning is usually + negative and your only correct course of procedure is a hasty bow + and a brief apology. + + RECEIVING AN INVITATION TO CALL + + Let us suppose, however, that she accepts the geranium in such a + manner that you are encouraged to continue the acquaintance. Your + next move should be a request for an invitation to call upon her + at her home. This should, above all things, not be done crudely. + It is better merely to suggest your wish by some indirect method + such as, “Oh—so you live on William Street. Well, well! I often + walk on William Street in the evening, but I have never called on + any girl there—_yet_.” The “yet” may be accompanied by a slight + raising of your eyebrows, a wink, or a friendly nudge with your + elbow. Unless she is unusually “dense” she will probably “take + the hint” and invite you to come and see her some evening. At + once you should say, “_What_ evening? How about _to-night_?” If + she says that she is already engaged for that evening, take a + calendar out of your pocket and remark, “Tomorrow? Wednesday? + Thursday? Friday? I really have no engagements between now and + October. Saturday? Sunday?” This will show her that you are + really desirous of calling upon her and she will probably say, + “Well, I think I am free Thursday night, but you had better + telephone me first.” + + THE ETIQUETTE OF TELEPHONING + + On Thursday morning, therefore, you should go to a public + telephone-booth in order to call the young lady’s house. The + etiquette of telephoning is quite important and many otherwise + perfectly well-bred people often make themselves conspicuous + because they do not know the correct procedure in using this + modern but almost indispensable invention. Upon entering the + telephone-booth, which is located, say, in some drug store, you + remove the receiver from the hook and deposit the requisite coin + in the coin box. After an interval of some minutes a young lady + (referred to as “Central”) will ask for your “Number, please.” + Suppose, for example, that you wish to get Bryant 4310. Remove + your hat politely and speak that number into the mouthpiece. + “Central” will then say, “Rhinelander 4310.” To which you reply, + “NO, Central—_Bryant_ 4310.” Central then says, “I beg your + pardon—Bryant 4310,” to which you reply, “Yes, please.” In a few + minutes a voice at the other end of the line says, “Hello,” to + which you answer, “Is Miss Doe at home?” The voice then says, + “Who?” You say, “Miss Doe, please—Miss Dorothy Doe.” You then + hear the following, “Wait a minute. Say, Charlie, is they anybody + works around here by the name of Doe? There’s a guy wants to talk + to a Miss Doe. Here—you answer it.” Another voice then says, + “Hello.” You reply “Hello.” He says, “What do you want?” You + reply, “I wish to speak to Miss Dorothy Doe.” He says, “What + department does she work in?” You reply, “Is this the residence + of J. Franklin Doe, President of the First National Bank?” He + says, “Wait a minute.” You wait a minute. You wait several. + Another voice—a new voice says-“Hello.” You reply “Hello.” He + says, “Give me Stuyvesant 8864.” You say, “But I’m trying to get + Miss Doe—Miss Dorothy Doe.” He says, “Who?” You say, “Is this the + residence of—” He says, “Naw—this is Goebel Brothers, Wholesale + Grocers—what number do you want?” You say, “Bryant 4310.” He + says, “Well, this is Rhinelander 4310.” You then hang up the + receiver and count twenty. The telephone bell then rings, and + inasmuch as you are the only person near the phone you take up + the receiver and say, “Hello.” A female voice, says, “Hello, + dearie—don’t you know who this is?” You say, politely but firmly, + “No.” She says, “Guess!” You guess “Mrs. Warren G. Harding.” She + says, “No. This is Ethel. Is Walter there?” You reply, “Walter?” + She says, “Ask him to come to the phone, will you? He lives + up-stairs over the drug store. Just yell ‘Walter’ at the third + door down the hall. Tell him Ethyl wants to speak to him—no, + wait—tell him it’s Madge.” Being a gentleman, you comply with the + lady’s request. After bringing Walter to the phone, you + obligingly wait for some twenty minutes while he converses with + Ethel—no, Madge. When he has finished, you once more enter the + booth and tell “Central” you want Bryant 4310. After a few + minutes “Central” says, “What number did you call?” You say + patiently, “Bryant 4310.” She replies, “Bryant 4310 has been + changed to Schuyler 6372.” You ask for Schuyler 6372. Finally a + woman’s voice says, “Yass.” You say, “Is Miss Doe in?” She + replies, “Yass.” You say, “May I speak to her?” She says, “Who?” + You reply, “You said Miss Doe was at home, didn’t you?” She + replies, “Yass.” You say, “Well, may I speak to her?” The voice + says, “Who?” You shout, “Miss Doe.” The voice says, “She ban + out.” You shriek, “Oh, go to hell!” and assuming a graceful, easy + position in the booth, you proceed to tear the telephone from the + wall. Later on in the day, when you have two or three hours of + spare time, you can telephone Miss Doe again and arrange for the + evening’s visit. + +[Illustration] + +A Crude Bridegroom _Not realizing his mistake, the Groom stands waiting +for the Bridal Procession, apparently in high spirits and the best of +health. Such an attitude toward a wedding is in the worst possible +taste._ PERFECT BEHAVIOR _tells all about the correct appearance and +conduct of Bridegrooms_. + +[Illustration] + +A Best Man’s Blunder _The Best Man has just been introduced to the Maid +of Honor. Instead of waiting for her to extend her hand and make the +acknowledgment, he has turned on his heel and bolted from the room. +This constitutes a social blunder, after the commission of which he +could never again, in polite society, be considered quite a gentleman_. +PERFECT BEHAVIOR _would have told him how the man of birth and breeding +learns to face anything with perfect “Sang froid.”_ + +[Illustration] + +The Pun “De Rigueur” _The Groom has just presented his Best Man to his +sister, who, though she is more than eager to make every one feel at +home, has failed to make at once the pun “de rigueur” on the words +“best man.” An awkward silence has ensued. What is to be done? Should +one of the gentlemen fill the breach by making the pun for her? If so, +which?_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR _covers the whole subject of making the “best +man” pun authoritatively._ + +[Illustration] + +The Young Man Doesn’t Know How to Drink _The young man at the right +does not know how to drink. Nevertheless, he has been selected by a +friend to act as Best Man at his wedding and has attended the Bachelor +Dinner. Instead of doing what he should do under the circumstances, he +is making himself conspicuous by remaining coherent while the others +sing “Mademoiselle from Alabam’.” Had the Bridegroom provided himself +with a copy of_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR _he would have known better than to +have selected him._ + + MAKING THE FIRST CALL + + The custom of social “calls” between young men and young women is + one of the prettiest of etiquette’s older conventions, and one + around which clusters a romantic group of delightful traditions. + In this day and generation, what with horseless carriages, + electric telephones and telegraphs, and dirigible gas bags, a + great many of the older forms have been allowed to die out, + greatly, I believe, to our discredit. “Speed, not manners,” seems + to be the motto of this century. I hope that there still exist a + few young men who care enough about “good form” to study + carefully to perfect themselves in the art of “calling.” Come, + Tom, Dick and Harry—drop your bicycles for an afternoon and fill + your minds with something besides steam engines and pneumatic + tires! + + The first call at the home of any young lady of fashion is an + extremely important social function, and too great care can not + be taken that you prepare yourself thoroughly in advance. It + would be well to leave your work an hour or two earlier in the + afternoon, so that you can go home and practice such necessary + things as entering or leaving a room correctly. Most young men + are extremely careless in this particular, and unless you + rehearse yourself thoroughly in the proper procedure you are apt + to find later on to your dismay that you have made your exit + through a window onto the fire-escape instead of through the + proper door. + + CONVERSATION AND SOME OF ITS USES + + Your conversation should also be planned more or less in advance. + Select some topic in which you think your lady friend will be + interested, such as, for example, the removal of tonsils and + adenoids, and “read up” on the subject so that you can discuss it + in an intelligent manner. Find out, for example, how many people + had tonsils removed in February, March, April. Contrast this with + the same figures for 1880, 1890, 1900. Learn two or three amusing + anecdotes about adenoids. Consult Bartlett’s “Familiar + Quotations” for appropriate verses dealing with tonsils and + throat troubles. Finally, and above all, take time to glance + through four or five volumes of Dr. Eliot’s Five Foot Shelf, for + nothing so completely marks the cultivated man as the ability to + refer familiarly to the various volumes of the Harvard classics. + + A PROPER CALL + + Promptly at the time appointed you should arrive at the house + where the young lady is staying. In answer to your ring a German + police dog will begin to bark furiously inside the house, and a + maid will finally come to the door. Removing your hat and one + glove, you say, “Is Miss Doe home?” The maid replies, “Yass, ay + tank so.” You give her your card and the dog rushes out and bites + you on either the right or left leg. You are then ushered into a + room in which is seated an old man with a long white beard. He is + fast asleep. “Dot’s grampaw,” says the maid, to which you reply, + “Oh.” She retires, leaving you alone with grampaw. After a while + he opens his eyes and stares at you for a few minutes. He then + says, “Did the dog bite you?” You answer, “Yes, sir.” Grampaw + then says, “He bites everybody,” and goes back to sleep. + Reassured, you light a cigaret. A little boy and girl then come + to the door, and, after examining you carefully for several + minutes, they burst into giggling laughter and run away. You feel + to see if you have forgotten to put on a necktie. A severe + looking old lady then enters the room. You rise and bow. “I am + Miss Doe’s grandmother. Some one has been smoking in here,” she + says, and sits down opposite you. Her remark is not, however, a + hint for a cigaret and you should not make the mistake of saying, + “I’ve only got Fatimas, but if you care to try one—” It should be + your aim to seek to impress yourself favorably upon every member + of the young lady’s family. Try to engage the grandmother in + conversation, taking care to select subjects in which you feel + she would be interested. Conversation is largely the art of + “playing up” to the other person’s favorite subject. In this + particular case, for example, it would be a mistake to say to + Miss Doe’s grandmother, “Have you ever tried making synthetic + gin?” or “Do you think any one will _ever_ lick Dempsey?” A more + experienced person, and some one who had studied the hobbies of + old people, would probably begin by remarking, “Well, I see that + Jeremiah Smith died of cancer Thursday,” or “That was a lovely + burial they gave Mrs. Watts, wasn’t it?” If you are tactful, you + should soon win the old lady’s favor completely, so that before + long she will tell you all about her rheumatism and what grampaw + can and can’t eat. + + Finally Miss Doe arrives. Her first words are, “Have you been + waiting long? Hilda didn’t tell me you were here,” to which you + reply, “No—I just arrived.” She then says, “Shall we go in the + drawing-room?” The answer to this is, “For God’s sake, yes!” In a + few minutes you find yourself alone in the drawing-room with the + lady of your choice and the courtship proper can then begin. + + The best way to proceed is gradually to bring the conversation + around to the subject of the “modern girl.” After your + preliminary remarks about tonsils and adenoids have been + thoroughly exhausted, you should suddenly say, “Well I don’t + think girls—nice girls—are really that way.” She replies, of + course, “_What_ way?” You answer, “Oh, the way they are in these + modern novels. This ‘petting,’ for instance.” She says, “_What_ + petting’?” You walk over and sit down on the sofa beside her. + “Oh,” you say, “these novelists make me sick—they seem to think + that in our generation every time a young man and woman are left + alone on a lounge together, they haven’t a thing better to do + than put out the light and ‘pet.’ It’s disgusting, isn’t it?” + “Isn’t it?” she agrees and reaching over she accidentally pulls + the lamp cord, which puts out the light. + + On your first visit you should not stay after 12:30. + + THE PROPOSAL PROPER + + About the second or third month of a formal courtship it is + customary for the man to propose matrimony, and if the girl has + been “out” for three or four years and has several younger + sisters coming along, it is customary for her to accept him. They + then become “engaged,” and the courtship is concluded. + + + + +CHAPTER TWO: THE ETIQUETTE OF ENGAGEMENTS AND WEDDINGS + + + THE HISTORIC ASPECT + + “Matrimony,” sings Homer, the poet, “is a holy estate and not + lightly to be entered into.” The “old Roman” is right. + + A modern wedding is one of the most intricate and exhausting of + social customs. Young men and women of our better classes are now + forced to devote a large part of their lives to acting as brides, + grooms, ushers and bridesmaids at various elaborate nuptials. + Weeks are generally required in preparation for an up-to-date + wedding; months are necessary in recovering from such an affair. + Indeed, some of the participants, notably the bride and groom, + never quite get over the effects of a marriage. + + It was not “always thus.” Time was when the wedding was a + comparatively simple affair. In the Paleolithic Age, for example, + (as Mr. H. G. Wells of England points out in his able “Outline of + History”), there is no evidence of any particular ceremony + conjunctive with the marriage of “a male and a female.” Even with + the advent of Neolithic man, a wedding seems to have been + consummated by the rather simple process of having the bridegroom + crack the bride over the head with a plain, unornamented stone + ax. There were no ushers—no bridesmaids. But shortly after that + (c- 10,329—30 B.C. to be exact) two young Neoliths named Haig, + living in what is now supposed to be Scotland, discovered that + the prolonged distillation of common barley resulted in the + creation of an amber-colored liquid which, when taken internally, + produced a curious and not unpleasant effect. + + This discovery had—and still has—a remarkable effect upon the + celebration of the marriage rite. Gradually there grew up around + the wedding a number of customs. With the Haig brothers’ + discovery of Scotch whiskey began, as a matter of course, the + institution of the “bachelor dinner.” “Necessity is the mother of + invention,” and exactly twelve years after the first “bachelor + dinner” came the discovery of bicarbonate of soda. From that time + down to the present day the history of the etiquette of weddings + has been that of an increasing number of intricate forms and + ceremonies, each age having added its particular bit of ritual. + The modern wedding may be said to be, therefore, almost an + “Outline of History” itself. + + ANNOUNCING THE ENGAGEMENT + + Let us begin, first of all, with the duties of one of the minor + characters at a wedding—the Groom. Suppose that you are an + eligible young man named Richard Roe, who has just become + “engaged” to a young lady named Dorothy Doe. If you really intend + to “marry the girl,” it is customary that some formal + announcement of the engagement be made, for which you must have + the permission of Miss Dorothy and her father. It is not + generally difficult to become engaged to most girls, but it will + surprise you to discover how hard it is to get the young lady + whom you believe to be your fiancée to consent to a public + announcement of the fact. The reason for this probably is that an + engagement which has been “announced” often leads to matrimony, + and matrimony, in polite society, often lasts for several years. + After you have secured the girl’s permission, it is next + necessary that you notify her father of the engagement. In this + particular case, as he happens to be your employer, the + notification can take place in his office. First of all, however, + it would be advisable to prepare some sort of speech in advance. + Aim to put him as far as possible at his ease, lead up to the + subject gradually and tactfully. Abruptness is never “good form.” + The following is suggested as a possible model. “Good morning, + Mr. Doe, say, I heard a good story from a traveling salesman last + night. It seems that there was a young married couple—(here + insert a good story about a young married couple). Wasn’t that + _rich_? Yes, sir, marriage is a great thing—a great institution. + Every young man ought to get married, don’t you think? You do? + Well, Mr. Doe, I’ve got a surprise for you, (here move toward the + door). I’m going to (here open the door) marry (step out of the + room) your daughter” (close the door quickly). + + THE BRIDE-TO-BE + + Before the public announcement of the engagement it is customary + for the bride-to-be to write personal letters to all other young + men to whom she happens to be engaged at the time. These notes + should be kindly, sympathetic and tactful. The same note can be + written to all, provided there is no chance of their comparing + notes. The following is suggested: + + “Dear Bob— + + Bob, I want you to be the very first to know that I am engaged to + Richard Roe. I want you to like him, Bob, because he is a fine + fellow and I would rather have you like him than any one I know. + I feel that he and I shall be very happy together, and I want you + to be the first to know about it. Your friendship will always + remain one of the brightest things in my life, Bob, but, of + course, I probably won’t be able to go to the Aiken dance with + you now. Please don’t tell anybody about it yet. I shall never + forget the happy times you and I had together, Bob, and will you + please return those silly letters of mine. I am sending you + yours.” + +[Illustration] + +Ignorance of Sporting Terms Betrays the “Cockney” _Nothing so +completely betrays the “Cockney” as a faulty knowledge of sporting +terms. The young lady at the left has just returned from the hunting +field hand-in-hand with the dashing “lead,” who happens to be an +eligible billionaire. Her hostess, the mother of the sub-deb at the +right, has greeted her by hissing, “S—o—o! I see you’ve had a good +day’s hunting!” The use of this unsportsmanlike expression—in stead of +the correct “Hope you had a good run,” or “Where did you find?”—at once +discloses the hostess’s mean origin and the young lady will almost +certainly never accept another invitation to her house._ + +[Illustration] + +Proper Attitude Towards the Hostess’ Furniture _In this work-a-day +world, one is likely to forget that there is an etiquette of pleasure, +just as there is an etiquette of dancing or the opera. One often hears +a charming hostess refuse to invite this or that person to her home for +a game of billiards on the ground that he or she is a “bum sport” or a +“rotten loser.” The above scene illustrates one of the little, but +conspicuous, blunders that people make. The gentleman, having missed +his fifth consecutive shot, has broken his cue over his knee and is +ripping the baize off the table with the sharp end. This display is not +in the best taste._ + +[Illustration] + +Correct Bathing Costumes for Ladies _Good form at the beach is still a +question of debate. Some authorities on the subject insist that the +Rubenesque type is preferable, while others claim that the Byzantine is +more fashionable. One thing is certain—it is absolutely incorrect for +ladies who weigh less than 75 or more than 275 pounds (avoirdupois) to +appear in costumes that would offend against modesty. It is also +considered rude to hold one’s swimming partner under water for more +then the formal quarter of an hour._ + + THE ENGAGEMENT LUNCHEON + + The engagement is generally announced at a luncheon given by the + parents of the prospective bride. This is usually a small affair, + only fifteen or twenty of the most intimate friends of the + engaged “couple” being invited. It is one of the customs of + engagement luncheons that all the guests shall be tremendously + surprised at the news, and great care should be taken to aid them + in carrying out this tradition. On the invitations, for example, + should be written some misleading phrase, such as “To meet + General Pershing” or “Not to Announce the Engagement of our + Daughter.” + + The announcement itself which should be made soon after the + guests are seated, offers a splendid opportunity for the display + of originality and should aim to afford the guest a surprise and + perhaps a laugh, for laughter of a certain quiet kind is often + welcome at social functions. One of the most favored methods of + announcing an engagement is by the use of symbolic figures + embodying the names of the affianced pair. Thus, for example, in + the case of the present engagement of Richard Roe to Dorothy Doe + it would be “unique” to have the first course at luncheon consist + of a diminutive candy or paper-mache doe seated amorously upon a + heart shaped order of a shad roe. The guests will at first be + mystified, but soon cries of “Oh, how sweet!” will arise and + congratulations are then in order. Great care should be taken, + however, that the symbolic figures are not misunderstood; it + would be extremely embarrassing, for example, if in the above + instance, a young man named “Shad” or “Aquarium” were to receive + the congratulations instead of the proper person. Other + suggestions for symbolistic announcements of some of the more + common names are as follows: + + “_Cohan-O’Brien_”—ice cream cones on a plate of O’Brien potatoes. + + “_Ames-Green_—green ice cream in the shape of a man aiming at + something. + + “_Thorne-Hoyt_—figure of a man from Brooklyn pulling a thorn from + foot with expression on his face signifying “This hoits.” + + “_Bullitt-Bartlett_—bartlett pears full of small 22 or 33 calibre + bullets. + + “_Tweed-Ellis_”—frosted cake in the shape of Ellis Island with a + solitary figure of a man in a nice fitting tweed suit. + + “_Gordon-Fuller_”—two paper-mache figures—one representing a + young man full of Gordon gin, the other representing a young man + fuller. + + “_Hatch-Gillette_”—figure of a chicken surprised at having + hatched a safety razor. + + “_Graves-Colgate_”—figure of a man brushing his teeth in a + cemetery. + + “_Heinz-Fish_”—57 assorted small fish tastily arranged on one + plate. + + SELECTING THE BRIDAL PARTY + + AS soon as the engagement has been announced it is the duty of + the prospective bride to select a maid-of-honor and eight or ten + bridesmaids, while the groom must choose his best man and ushers. + In making these selections it should be carefully borne in mind + that no wedding party is complete without the following: + +1 bridesmaid who danced twice with the Prince of Wales. +2 Bridesmaids who never danced more than once with anybody. +1 bridesmaid who doesn’t “Pet.” +1 bridesmaid who was expelled from Miss Spence’s. +1 bridesmaid who talks “Southern.” +1 bridesmaid who met Douglas Fairbanks once. +1 bridesmaid who rowed on the crew at Wellesley. +1 usher who doesn’t drink anything. +9 ushers who drink anything. + + In some localities, following the announcement, it is customary + for the bride’s friends, to give for her a number of “showers.” + These are for the purpose of providing her with various + necessities for her wedded household life. These affairs should + be informal and only her dearest or wealthiest friends should be + invited. A clever bride will generally arrange secretly for + several of these “showers” by promising a certain percentage + (usually 15% of the gross up to $500.00 and 25% bonus on all over + that amount) to the friend who gives the party. Some of the more + customary “showers” of common household articles for the new + bride are toothpaste, milk of magnesia, screen doors, copies of + Service’s poems, Cape Cod lighters, pictures of “Age of + Innocence” and back numbers of the “Atlantic Monthly.” + + INVITATIONS AND WEDDING PRESENTS + + The proper time to send out invitations to a wedding is between + two and three weeks before the day set for the ceremony, although + the out-of-town invitations should be mailed in plenty of time to + allow the recipient to purchase and forward a suitable present. + As the gifts are received, a check mark should be placed after + the name of the donor, together with a short description of the + present and an estimate as to its probable cost. This list is to + be used later, at the wedding reception, in determining the + manner in which the bride is to greet the various guests. It has + been found helpful by many brides to devise some sort of memory + system whereby certain names immediately suggest certain + responses, thus: + + “Mr. Snodgrass—copy of ‘Highways and Byways in Old France’”—c. + $6.50—“how do you do, Mr. Snodgrass, have you met my mother?” + + “Mr. Brackett—Solid silver candlesticks—$68.50”—“hello, Bob, you + old peach. How about a kiss?” + + The real festivities of a wedding start about three days before + the ceremony, with the arrival of the “wedding party,” in which + party the most responsible position is that of best man. Let us + suppose that you are to be the best man at the Roe-Doe nuptials. + What are your duties? + + In the first place, you must prepare yourself for the wedding by + a course of training extending for over a month or more prior to + the actual event. It should be your aim to work yourself into + such a condition that you can go for three nights without sleep, + talk for hours to the most impossibly stupid of young women, and + consume an unending amount of alcohol. You are then prepared for + the bachelor dinner, the bridal dinner, the bridesmaids, the + wedding, and the wedding reception. + + DUTIES OF THE BEST MAN + + Upon your arrival in the city where the wedding is to take place + you will be met by the bridegroom, who will take you to the home + of the bride where you are to stay. There you are met by the + bride’s father. “This is my best man,” says the groom. “The best + man?” replies her father. “Well, may the best man win.” At once + you reply, “Ha! Ha! Ha!” He then says, “Is this your first visit + to Chicago?” to which the correct answer is, “Yes, sir, but I + hope it isn’t my last.” + + The bride’s mother then appears. “This is my best man,” says the + groom. “Well,” says she, “remember—the best man doesn’t always + win.” “Ha! Ha! Ha!” you at once reply. “Is this your first visit + to Chicago?” says she, to which you answer, “Yes—but I hope it + isn’t my last.” + + You are then conducted to your room, where you are left alone to + unpack. In a few minutes the door will open and a small boy + enter. This is the brother of the bride. You smile at him + pleasantly and remark, “Is this your first visit to Chicago?” + “What are you doing?” is his answer. “Unpacking,” you reply. + “What’s that?” says he. “A cutaway,” you reply. “What’s that?” + says he. “A collar bag.” “What’s that?” “A dress shirt.” “What’s + that?” says he. “Another dress shirt.” “What’s that?” says he. + “Say, listen,” you reply, “don’t I hear some one calling you?” + “No,” says he, “what’s that?” “That,” you reply, with a sigh of + relief, “is a razor. Here—take it and play with it.” In three + minutes, if you have any luck at all, the bride’s brother will + have cut himself severely in several places which will cause him + to run crying from the room. You can then finish unpacking. + + THE BRIDE’S TEA + + The first function of the pre-nuptial festivities is generally a + tea at the bride’s home, where the ushers and bridesmaids meet to + become “acquainted.” It is your duty, as best man, to go to the + hotel where the ushers are stopping and bring them to this tea. + Just as you will leave on this mission the groom will whisper in + your ear, “For God’s sake, remember to tell them that her father + and mother are terribly opposed to drinking in any form.” This is + an awfully good joke on her father and mother. + + As you step out of the hotel elevator you hear at the end of the + hall a chorus shouting, “Mademoiselle from Armentières—_parlez + vous!_” Those are your ushers. + + Opening the door of the room you step forward and announce, + “Fellows, we have got to go to a tea right away. Come on—let’s + go.” At this, ten young men in cutaways will stand up and shout, + “Yeaaa—the best man—give the best man a drink!” From then on, at + twelve minute intervals, it is your duty to say, “Fellows, we + have got to go to a tea right away. Come on—let’s go.” Each time + you will be handed another drink, which you may take with either + your right or left hand. + + After an hour the telephone will ring. It will be the groom. He + will say, “Everybody is waiting for you and the ushers,” to which + you reply, “We are just leaving.” He then says, “And don’t forget + to tell them what I told you about her father and mother.” + + You then hang up the receiver, take a drink in one hand and say, + “Fellows, I have a very solemn message for you. It’s a message + which is of deep importance to each one of us. Fellows—her father + and mother object to the use of alcohol in any form.” + + This statement will be greeted with applause and cheers. You will + all then take one more drink, put on your silk hats and gray + gloves, and leave the room singing, “Her father and mother object + to drink—_parlez vous_.” + + The tea given by the bride’s parents is generally a small affair + to which only the members of the wedding party are invited. When + you and the ushers arrive, you will find the bride, the maid of + honor and the bridesmaids waiting for you. As you enter the room, + make a polite bow to the bride’s father and mother, and be sure + to apologize for your lateness. Nothing so betrays the social + “oil can” as a failure to make a plausible excuse for tardiness. + Whenever you are late for a party you must always have ready some + good reason for your fault, such as, “Excuse me, Mrs. Doe, I’m + afraid I am a little late, but you see, just as I was dressing, + this filling dropped out of my tooth and I had to have it put + back in.” If the host and hostess seem to doubt your statement, + it would be well to show them the recalcitrant filling in + question, although if they are “well-bred” they will probably in + most cases take you at your word. + + THE MAID OF HONOR + + You and the ushers will then be introduced to the bridesmaids and + the maid of honor. As you meet this latter young lady, who is the + bride’s older sister and, of course, your partner for the + remainder of the wedding festivities, she will say, “The best + man? Well, they say that the best man wins... Ha! Ha! Ha!” This + puts her in class G 6 without further examination, and your only + hope of prolonging your life throughout the next two days lies in + the frequent and periodic administration of stimulants. + + THE BACHELOR DINNER AND AFTER + + That evening the groom gives for the best man and the ushers what + is known as a “bachelor dinner.” It is his farewell to his men + friends as he passes out of the state of bachelorhood. The formal + passing out generally occurs toward the end of the dinner, and is + a quaint ceremony participated in by most of those present. + + It is customary for the best man to wake up about noon of the + following day. You will not have the slightest idea as to where + you are or how you got there. You will be wearing your dress + trousers, your stiff or pleated bosom dress shirt, black socks + and pumps, and the coat of your pajamas. In one hand you will be + clutching a chrysanthemum. After a few minutes there will come a + low moan from the next bed. That is usually the groom, also in + evening dress with the exception that he has tried to put on the + trousers of your pajamas over his dress trousers. You then say, + “What happened?” to which he replies, “Oh, Judas.” You wait + several minutes. In the next room you hear the sound of a shower + bath and some one whistling. The bath stops; the whistling + continues. The door then opens and there enters one of the + ushers. He is the usher who always “feels great” the next day + after the bachelor dinner. He says to you, “Well, boys, you look + all in.” You do not reply. He continues, “Gosh, I feel fine.” You + make no response. He then begins to chuckle, “I don’t suppose you + remember,” he says, “what you said to the bride’s mother when I + brought you home last night.” You sit quickly up in bed. “What + did I say?” you ask. “Was I tight?” “Were you tight?” he replies, + still chuckling. “Don’t you remember what you said? And don’t you + remember trying to get the bride’s father to slide down the + banisters with you? Were you tight—Oh, my gosh!” He then exits, + chuckling. Statistics of several important life insurance + companies show that that type of man generally dies a violent + death before the age of thirty. + + THE REHEARSAL + + The rehearsal for the wedding is usually held in the church on + the afternoon preceding the day of the nuptials. The ushers, of + course, are an hour late, which gives the bridegroom (Bap.) an + opportunity to meet the minister (Epis.) and have a nice, long + chat about religion, while the best man (Atheist) talks to the + eighty-three year old sexton who buried the bride’s grandpa and + grandma and has knowed little Miss Dorothy come twenty years next + Michaelmas. The best man’s offer of twenty-five dollars, if the + sexton will at once bury the maid of honor, is generally refused + as a matter of courtesy. + + THE BRIDAL DINNER + + In the evening, the parents of the bride give the bridal dinner, + to which all the relatives and close friends of the family are + invited. Toasts are drunk in orange juice and rare old Virginia + Dare wine, and much good-natured fun is indulged in by all. + Speeches are usually made by the bride and groom, their parents, + the best man, the maid of honor, the minister and Aunt Harriet. + + Just a word about the speeches at a bridal dinner. Terrible! + + A CHURCH WEDDING + + On the day of the wedding the ushers should arrange to be at the + church an hour or so in advance of the time set for the ceremony. + They should be dressed in cutaways, with ties, gloves and + gardenias provided by the groom. + + It is the duty of the best man to dress the bridegroom for the + wedding. As you enter his room you see, lying half-dressed on the + bed, a pale, wan, emaciated creature, who is staring fixedly at + the ceiling. It is the happy bridegroom. His lips open. He speaks + feebly. “What time is it?” he says. You reply, “Two-thirty, old + man. Time to start getting dressed.” “Oh, my God!” says the + groom. Ten minutes pass. “What time is it?” says the groom. + “Twenty of three,” you reply. “Here’s your shirt.” “Oh, my God!” + says the groom. + + He takes the shirt and tries to put it on. You help him. “Better + have a little Scotch, old man,” you say. “What time is it?” he + replies. “Five of three,” you say. “Oh, my God!” says the groom. + + At three-thirty you and he are dressed in cutaways and promptly + at three-forty-two you arrive at the church. You are ushered into + a little side room where it is your duty to sit with the corpse + for the few brief hours which elapse between three-forty-five and + four o’clock. Occasionally he stirs and a faint spark of life + seems to struggle in his sunken eyes. His lips move feebly. You + bend over to catch his dying words. “Have—you—got—the ring?” he + whispers. “Yes,” you reply. “Everything’s fine. You look great, + too, old man.” The sound of the organ reaches your ears. The + groom groans. “Have you got the ring?” he says. + + Meanwhile the ushers have been performing their duty of showing + the invited guests to the various pews. A correctly trained usher + will always have ready some cheery word or sprightly bit of + conversation to make the guests feel perfectly at home as he + conducts them to their seats. “It’s a nice day, isn’t it?” is + suggested as a perfectly safe and yet not too unusual topic of + conversation. This can be varied by remarking, “Isn’t it a nice + day?” or in some cases, where you do not wish to appear too + forward, “Is it a nice day, or isn’t it?” An usher should also + remember that although he has on a cutaway, he is neither a + floor-walker nor a bond salesman, and remarks such as “Something + in a dotted Swiss?” or “Third aisle over—second pew—next the + ribbon goods,” are decidedly _non au fait_. + + The first two pews on each side of the center aisle are always + reserved for members of the immediate family, but it is a firmly + established custom that the ushers shall seat in these “family + pews” at least three people with whom the family are barely on + speaking terms. This slight error always causes Aunt Nellie and + Uncle Fred to sit up in the gallery with the family cook. + + With the arrival of the bride, the signal is given to the + organist to start the wedding march, usually either Mendelssohn’s + or Wagner’s. About this time the mother of the bride generally + discovers that the third candle from the left on the rear altar + has not been lighted, which causes a delay of some fifteen + minutes during which time the organist improvises one hundred and + seventy-three variations on the opening strains of the march. + + Finally all is adjusted and the procession starts down the aisle + led by the ushers swaying slowly side by side. It is always + customary for three or four of the eight ushers to have + absolutely no conception of time or rhythm, which adds a quaint + touch of uncertainty and often a little humor to the performance. + + After the Scotch mist left by the passing ushers has cleared, + there come the bridesmaids, the maid of honor, and then, leaning + on her father’s arm (unless, of course, her father is dead), the + bride. + + In the meantime, the bridegroom has been carried in by the best + man and awaits the procession at the foot of the aisle, which is + usually four hundred and forty yards long. The ushers and + bridesmaids step awkwardly to one side; the groom advances and a + hush falls over the congregation which is the signal for the + bride’s little niece to ask loudly, “What’s that funny looking + man going to do, Aunt Dotty?” + + Then follows the religious ceremony. + + Immediately after the church service, a reception is held at the + bride’s home, where refreshments are served and two hundred and + forty-two invited guests make the same joke about kissing the + bride. At the reception it is customary for the ushers and the + best man to crawl off in separate corners and die. + + The wedding “festivities” are generally concluded with the + disappearance of the bride, the bridegroom, one of the uninvited + guests and four of the most valuable presents. + +[Illustration] + +The Man of Refinement Controls His Emotions _The man of culture and +refinement, while always considerate to those beneath him in station, +never, under any circumstances, loses control of his emotions for an +instant. Though the gentleman-rider in the picture may be touchingly +fond of his steeplechase horse, it is unpardonably bad form for him to +make an exhibition of his affection while going over the brush in plain +view of numbers of total strangers. In doing so he simply is making a +“guy” of himself, and it is no more than he deserves if those in the +gallery raise their eyebrows at each other and smile knowingly._ + +[Illustration] + +Comparative Advantages of the Pen—the Phone _The Romans had a proverb, +“Litera scripta manet,” which means “The written letter remains.” The +subtle wisdom of these words was no doubt well known to the men of the +later Paleolithic Age before them, but evidently the gentleman in the +engraving never heard of it. If he had kept this simple little rule of +social correspondence in mind he would have avoided the painful +experience of hearing his obsolete emotions exposed to the eager ears +of twelve perfect strangers. It is customary nowadays for unmarried +elder sons of our most aristocratic families to express their +appreciation of the qualities of fascinating bachelor girls over the +sensible, though plebeian, telephone._ + + + + +CHAPTER THREE: THE ETIQUETTE OF TRAVEL + + + The etiquette of travel, like that of courtship and marriage, has + undergone several important changes with the advent of + “democracy” and the “mechanical age.” Time was when travel was + indulged in only by the better classes of society and the rules + of travellers’ etiquette were well defined and acknowledged by + all. But Yankee ingenuity has indeed brought the “mountain to + Mahomet”; the “iron horse” and the “Pullman coach” have, I + believe, come to stay, bringing with them many new customs and + manners for the well-bred gentleman or lady who would travel + correctly. Truly, the “old order changeth” and it is, perhaps, + only proper that one should keep (if you will pardon the use of + the word), “abreast” of the times. + + HINTS FOR THE CORRECT PEDESTRIAN + + Let us suppose, for example, that you are a young gentleman of + established social position in one of the many cities of our + great middle west, and it is your desire to travel from your home + to New York City for the purpose of viewing the many attractions + of that metropolis of which I need perhaps only mention the + Aquarium or Grant’s Tomb or the Eden Musee. Now there are many + ways of getting to New York, such as (a) on foot, (b) via “rail”; + it should be your first duty to select one of these methods of + transportation. Walking to New York (“a” above) is often rejected + because of the time and effort involved and it is undoubtedly + true that if one attempted to journey afoot from the middle west + one would probably be quite fatigued at the end of one’s journey. + The etiquette of walking, however, is the same for short as for + long distances, and I shall at this point give a few of the many + rules for correct behavior among pedestrians. + + In the first place, it is always customary in a city for a young + lady, either accompanied or unaccompanied, to walk on the + sidewalk. A young “miss” who persists in walking in the gutters + is more apt to lose than to make friends among the socially + “worth while.” + + Gentlemen, either with or without ladies, are never seen walking + after dark in the sewers or along the elevated, tracks. + + It is not _au fait_ for gentlemen or ladies wearing evening dress + to “catch on behind” passing ice wagons, trucks, etc.; the time + and energy saved are doubtfully repaid should one happen to be + driven thus past other members of one’s particular social “set.” + + Ladies walking alone on the street after dark do not speak to + gentlemen unless they have been previously introduced or are out + of work with winter coming on. + + A gentleman walking alone at night, when accosted by a young + woman whom he has not met socially, removes his hat politely, + bows and passes on, unless she looks awfully good. + + Débutantes meeting traffic policemen always bow first in America; + in the Continental countries, with their age-old flavor of + aristocratic court life, this custom is reversed. + + A bachelor, accompanied by a young unmarried woman, when stepping + accidentally into an open coal or sewer hole in the sidewalk, + removes his hat and gloves as inconspicuously as possible. + + It is never correct for young people of either “sex” to push + older ladies in front of swiftly approaching motor vehicles or + street cars. + + A young man, if run over by an automobile driven by a strange + lady, should lie perfectly still (unless dead) until an + introduction can be arranged; the person driving the car usually + speaks first. + + An unmarried woman, if run into and knocked down by a taxicab + driven by someone in her own “set,” usually says “Why the hell + don’t you look where you’re going?” to which the taxi driver, + removing his hat, replies “Why the hell don’t _you?_” + + A correct costume for gentlemen walking in the parks or streets + of a city, either before or after dark, consists of shoes (2), + socks (2), undergarments, trousers, shirt, necktie, collar, vest, + coat and hat. For pedestrians of the “opposite” sex the costume + is practically the same with the exception of the socks, + trousers, shirt, necktie, collar, vest and coat. However, many + women now affect “knickerbockers” and _vice versa_. + + A young lady of good breeding, when walking alone, should not + talk or laugh in a loud boisterous manner. “Capers” (e. g. + climbing trees, etc.), while good exercise and undoubtedly + fashionable in certain “speedy” circles, are of questionable + taste for ladies, especially if indulged in to excess or while + walking with young gentlemen on the Sabbath. Sport is sport, and + no one loves a stiff game of “fives” or “rounders” more than I, + but the spectacle of a young unmarried lady and her escort + hanging by their limbs on the Lord’s Day from the second or third + cross arm of an electric telegraph pole is certainly carrying + things a bit too far, in my opinion, even in this age of “golf” + and lawn “tennis.” + + A young gentleman escorting a young lady on foot to a formal ball + or the opera should walk on the outside, especially if they are + both in evening dress and have a long distance to go. It is never + incorrect to suggest the use of a street car, or as one gets near + the Opera House, a carriage or a “taxicab.” + + A young man walking with a young lady, when accosted by a beggar, + always gives the beggar something unless the young lady is his + wife or his sister. + + So much for pedestrians. I can not, of course, pretend to give + here all the rules for those who “go afoot” and I can only say + that the safest principle for correct behavior in this, as in + many social matters, is the now famous reply Thomas Edison once + made to the stranger who asked him with what he mixed his paints + in order to get such marvellous effects. “One part inspiration,” + replied the great inventor, “and NINE parts perspiration.” In + other words, etiquette is not so much a matter of “genius” as of + steady application to small details. + + TRAVELLING BY RAIL + + In America much of the travelling is done by “rail.” The + etiquette of railroad behavior is extremely complicated, + especially if one is forced to spend the night _en route_ (on the + way) and many and ludicrous are the mistakes made by those whose + social training has apparently fitted them more for a freight car + than for an up-to-date “parlor” or “Pullman” coach. + + GOOD FORM ON A STREET CAR + + Let us, first of all, however, take up some of the simpler forms + of rail transportation, such as, for example, the electric street + or “tram” car now to be seen on the main highways and byways of + all our larger cities. The rules governing behavior on these + vehicles often appear at first quite complicated, but when one + has learned the “ropes,” as they say in the Navy, one should have + no difficulty. + + An elderly lady with a closed umbrella, for example, desiring to + take a street car, should always stand directly under a large + sign marked “Street Cars Do Not Stop On This Corner.” As the car + approaches she should run quickly out to the car tracks and + signal violently to the motorman with the umbrella. As the car + whizzes past without stopping she should cease signalling, remark + “Well I’ll be God damned!” and return to the curbstone. After + this performance has been repeated with three successive cars she + should then walk slowly out and lie down, in a dignified manner, + across the car tracks. In nine cases out of ten the motorman of + the next “tram” will see her lying there and will be gentleman + enough to stop his car. + + When this happens the elderly lady should get quietly up from the + street and stand outside the door marked “Exit Only” until the + motorman opens it for her. She should then enter with the remark, + “I signalled to three cars and not one of them stopped,” to which + the motorman will reply, “But, lady, that sign there says they + don’t stop on this corner.” The lady should then say “What’s your + number—I’m going to report you.” + + After taking his number she should enter the car. At the opposite + end of the vehicle there will undoubtedly be three or four vacant + seats; instead of taking one of these she should stand up in + front of some young man and glare at him until he gets up and + gives her his place. + + It is not customary in American cities for ladies to thank + gentlemen who provide them with seats. + + After a few minutes she should turn to the man at her right and + ask “Does this car go to Madison Heights?” He will answer “No.” + She should then turn to the man on her left and ask “Does this + car go to Madison Heights?” He will answer “No.” Her next + question—“Does this car go to Madison Heights?”—should be + addressed to a man across the aisle, and the answer will be “No.” + She should then listen attentively while the conductor calls out + the names of the streets and as he shouts “Blawmnoo!” she should + ask the man at her right “Did he say Madison Heights?” He will + reply “No.” At the next street the conductor will shout + “Blawmnoo!” at which she should ask “Did he say Madison Heights?” + Once more the answer will be in the negative. The car will + proceed, the conductor will now call “Blawmnoo!” and as the + elderly lady once more says “Did he say Madison Heights?” the man + at her left, the man at her right, the man across the aisle and + eight other male passengers will shout “YES!” + + It is then correct for her to pickup her umbrella and, carefully + waiting until the conductor has pulled the “go ahead” signal, she + should cry “Wait a minute, conductor—I want to get off here.” The + car will then be stopped and she should say “Is this Madison + Heights?” to which the conductor will reply “This ain’t the + Madison Heights car, lady.” She should then say “But you called + out Madison Heights,” to which he will answer “No, lady—that’s + eight miles in the opposite direction.” She should then leave the + street car, not forgetting, however, to take the conductor’s + number again. + + The above hints for “tram” car etiquette apply, of course, only + to elderly ladies. For young men and women the procedure would be + in many cases quite different. A young married woman, for + example, on entering a street car, should always have her ticket + or small “change” so securely buried in the fourth inside + pocketbook of her handbag that she cannot possibly find it inside + of twelve minutes. Three or more middle-aged ladies, riding + together, should never decide as to who is to pay the fare until + the conductor has gone stark raving mad. + +[Illustration] + +Hints on Homely Young Ladies at a Dance _Her conduct has stamped the +young lady as a provincial and it is not to be wondered at if +suppressed titters and half audible chuckles follow her about the +room._ PERFECT BEHAVIOR _would have taught her that it is not the +prerogative of a muddy-complexioned dud—even if she has had only one +dance and her costume is very expensive—to cut in on a gentleman (by +grabbing his neck or any other method) when he is dancing with the +wide-eyed beauty from the South who leaves in five minutes to catch a +train. He will be within his rights when, at the end of five minutes, +after three unsuccessful attempts to loosen her grip, he will carry her +into the garden under false pretences and there play the hose on her +until she drowns._ + +[Illustration] + +The Law of Reprisal in Etiquette _They are leaving the home of an +intimate friend of several weeks’ standing, after having witnessed a +Private Theatrical. Both feel that some return should be made for their +hostess’s kindness but neither is certain as to just what form the +return should take. The Book of_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR _would have pointed +out to them that the only adequate and satisfactory revenge for this +sort of thing is to invite the lady, as soon as possible without +exciting her suspicion, to attend an Italian opera or a drawing-room +musicale._ + + IN THE SUBWAY + + The rules governing correct behavior in the underground “subway” + systems of our great cities (particularly the New York subways) + are, however, much more simple and elemental than the etiquette + for surface cars. In the subway, for example, if you are a + married man and living with your wife, or head of a family, i. + e., a person who actually supports one or more persons living in + (or under) his (or her) household on the last day of the + preceding calendar year, provided that such person or persons + shall not on or before July 1 or if July 1 shall fall on a Sunday + then on the day nearest preceding July 1, himself (or themselves) + have filed a separate report as provided in paragraph (g), you + should precede a lady when entering, and follow a lady when + leaving, the train. + + A HONEYMOON IN A SUBWAY + + On the other hand, a wedding or a “honeymoon” trip in a subway + brings up certain problems of etiquette which are entirely + different from the above. Let us suppose, for example, that the + wedding takes place at high noon in exclusive old “Trinity” + church, New York. The nearest subway is of course the + “Interborough” (West Side) and immediately after the ceremony the + lucky couple can run poste haste to the “Battery” and board a + Lenox Ave. Local. Arriving at romantic Chambers St. they should + change at once to a Bronx Park Express which will speedily whizz + them past 18th St., 23rd St. and 28th St. to the Pennsylvania + Station where they can again transfer, this time to a Broadway + Local. In a jiffy and two winks of an eye they will be at Times + Square, the heart of the “Great White Way” (that Mecca of + pleasure seekers and excitement lovers) where they can either + change to a Broadway Express, journeying under Broadway to + historic Columbia University and Harlem, or they can take the + busy little “shuttle” which will hurry them over to the Grand + Central Station. There they can board the aristocratic East Side + Subway, either “up” or “down” town. The trip “up town” (Lexington + Ave. Express) passes under some of the better class residential + districts, but the journey in the other direction is perhaps more + interesting, including as it does such stops as 14th St., + Brooklyn Bridge, Fulton Street, Wall Street (the financial + center) etc., not to mention a delightful passage under the East + River to Brooklyn, the city of homes and churches. Thus without + getting out of their seats the happy pair can be transported from + one fascinating end of the great city to the other and when they + have exhausted the possibilities of a honeymoon in the + Interborough they can change, with the additional cost of only a + few cents apiece, to the B. R. T. or the Hudson Tubes which will + gladly carry them to a thousand new and interesting places—a + veritable Aladdin’s lamp on rails. + + TRAVELLING UNDER STEAM + + And now we come to that most complex form of travel—the railroad + journey. Let us suppose that instead of attempting to walk to New + York you have elected to go on the “train.” On the day of your + departure you should carefully pack your bag or suitcase, taking + care to strap and lock it securely. You can then immediately + unstrap and unlock it in order to put in the tooth paste and + shaving brush which you forgot to bring from the bathroom. + + Arriving at the station promptly on the time scheduled for the + train to depart you will find that because of “daylight saving + time” you have exactly an hour to wait. The time, however, can be + amusingly and economically spent in the station as follows: 11 + weighing machines @.01 =.11; 3 weighing machines @.05 =.15; 1 + weighing machine (out of order).09; 17 slot machines (chocolate + and gum) @.01 =.17. Total cost—.50, unless, of course, you eat + the chocolate. + + Upon the arrival of the train you consult your ticket to find + that you have “lower 9” in car 43. Walking back to the end of the + train and entering car 43 you will find, in berth number 9, a + tired woman and two small children. You will also find a hat box, + a bird cage, a bag of oranges, a bag of orange peelings, a + shoe-box of lunch, a rag doll, a toy balloon, half a “cookie” and + 8,000,000 crumbs. The tired woman will then say to you “Are you + the gentleman who has the lower berth?” to which you answer + “Yes.” She will then say “Well say—we’ve got the upper—and I + wonder if you would mind—” “Not at, all,” you reply, “I should be + only too glad to give you my lower.” This is always done. + + After you have seated yourself and the train has started the + lady’s little boy will announce, “I want a drink, Mama.” After he + has repeated this eleven times his mother will say to you “I + wonder if you would mind holding the baby while I take Elmer to + get a drink?” + + The etiquette of holding babies is somewhat difficult for + bachelors to master at first as there are no hard and fast rules + governing conduct under these circumstances. An easy “hold” for + beginners and one which is difficult for the ordinary baby to + break consists in wrapping the left and right arms firmly around + the center of the child, at the same time clutching the clothing + with the right hand and the toes with the left and praying to God + that the damn thing won’t drop. + + In this particular case, after Elmer and his mother have gone + down the aisle after a drink, the baby which you are holding will + at once begin to cry. Now as every mother knows, and especially + those mothers who have had children, a baby does not cry without + some specific reason and all that is necessary in the present + instance is to discover this reason. First of all, the child may + be merely hungry, in which case you should at once ask the porter + to bring you the a la carte menu. You should then carefully go + over the list of dishes with the infant, taking care to spell out + and explain such names as he may not understand. “How would you + like some nice assorted hors d’œuvres?” you say. “Waaaaa!” says + the baby. “No hors d’œuvres,” you say to the waiter. “Some blue + points, perhaps—you know, o-y-s-t-e-r-s?” You might even act out + a blue point or two, as in charades, so that the child will + understand what you mean. In case, however, the baby does not + cease crying after having eaten the first three or four courses, + you should not insist on a salad and a dessert, for probably it + is not hunger which is occasioning the outcry. Perhaps it is a + pin, in which case you should at once bend every effort to the + discovery and removal of the irritant. The most generally + accepted modern way of effecting this consists in passing a large + electro-magnet over every portion of the child’s anatomy and the + pin (if pin there be) will of course at once come to light. Then, + too, many small children cry merely because they have swallowed + something which does not agree with them, such as, for example, a + gold tooth or a shoe horn; the remedy in this case consists in + _immediately_ feeding the child the proper counter irritant. + There is, really, no great mystery about the successful raising + of children and with a few common sense principles, such as + presented above, any mother may relieve herself of a great deal + of useless anxiety. I hope I may be pardoned for a digression + here, but I feel very strongly that “today’s babies are + tomorrow’s citizens” and I do want to see them brought up in the + proper way. + + But to return to our train. Perhaps by this time the mother and + Elmer will have returned and you will be relieved of further + investigation as to the cause of the infant’s discomfort. A few + minutes later, however, little Elmer will say “Mama, I want the + window open.” This request will be duly referred to you via the + line of authority. It is then your duty to assume a firm upright + stance, with the weight evenly distributed on both feet, and work + for twelve minutes and thirty-nine seconds in a terrific struggle + to raise the windows. At the end of twelve minutes and forty + seconds you will succeed, the window will slowly go up, and the + train will at once enter a tunnel, filling the car and you with + coal smoke. In the resulting darkness and confusion you should + seize little Elmer, throw him quickly out of the open window and + make your escape to the gentlemen’s smoking compartment in the + rear of your car. + + In the “smoker” you will find three men. The first of these will + be saying “and he told me that a bootlegger he knew had cleaned + up a thousand dollars a week since January.” The second will say + “Well down where I come from there’s men who never took a drink + before prohibition who get drunk all the time now.” The third + will say “Well, I tell you, men—the saloon had to go.” + + Provision for satisfying the “inner man” is now a regular part of + the equipment of all modern trains, and about 6:30 or 7 you + should leave your companions in the “smoker” and walk through the + train until you reach the “diner.” Here you will seat yourself at + a table with three other gentlemen, the first of whom will be + remarking, as you sit down, “and I know for a fact that this + bootlegger is making over fifty thousand dollars a year.” + + A CORRECT NIGHT IN A PULLMAN + + Before the days of modern railroads one could not very well + travel over night but now, thanks to Mr. Pullman, it is possible + for the traveller to go to bed en route and be every bit as snug + and comfortable as the proverbial insect in a rug. Shortly after + dinner the porter will “make up” the berths in the car and when + you desire to retire for the night you should ask him to bring + you the ladder in order that you may ascend to upper 9. While you + are waiting you should stand in the aisle and remove your coat, + vest and shoes, and then begin to search for your suitcase which + you will finally locate by crawling on your chin and stomach + under berth number 11. When you again resume an upright position + the train will give a sudden lurch, precipitating you into berth + number 12. A woman’s voice will then say “Alice?” to which you + should of course answer “No” and climb quickly up the ladder into + your proper berth. + + A great deal of “to do” is often made of the difficulty involved + in undressing in an upper berth but most of this is quite + uncalled for. Experienced travellers now generally wait until the + lights of the car have been dimmed or extinguished when the + disrobing can be done quite simply in five counts, as follows: + _One_—unloosen all clothing and lie flat on the back. The + respiration should be natural, easy and through the lungs. The + muscles should be relaxed; _Two_—pivoting on the back of the head + and neck, inhale quickly, at the same time drawing the muscles of + the legs and arms sharply under the body, as for a spring; + _Three_—spring suddenly upward and to the right (or left), + catching the bell cord (which extends along the roof of the + train) with the teeth, hands and feet; _Four_—holding firmly to + the cord with the knees, describe a sudden arc downward with the + head and body, returning to position as soon as the shirt and + undershirt have dropped off into the aisle; _Five_—taking a firm + hold on the cord with the teeth, let go sharply with the knees. + The trousers, etc., should at once slide off, and you can (and, + in fact, should) then swing yourself quickly back into your berth + and pajamas. + + Once inside your “bunk” you should drift quickly off to + slumberland, and when you wake up it will be five minutes later + and the————engineer will be trying to see what he can do with an + air brake and a few steel sleeping cars. + + In the morning you will be in New York. + + + + +CHAPTER FOUR: AT THE CONCERT AND THE OPERA + + + In order to listen to music intelligently—or what is really much + more important—in order to give the appearance of listening to + music intelligently, it is necessary for the novice to master + thoroughly two fundamental facts. + + The first, and most important of these, is that the letter “w” in + Russian is pronounced like “v”; the second, that Rachmaninoff has + a daughter at Vassar. + + Not very difficult, surely—but it is remarkable how much + enjoyment one can get out of music by the simple use of these two + formulas. With a little practise in their use, the veriest tyro + can bewilder her escort even though she be herself so musically + uninformed as to think that the celeste is only used in + connection with _Aïda_, or that a minor triad is perhaps a young + wood nymph. + + One other important fundamental is that enthusiasm should never + be expressed for any music written after 1870; by a careful + observance of this rule one will constantly experience that + delightful satisfaction which comes with finding one’s opinions + shared by the music critics in the daily press. + +[Illustration] + +Chivalry or the Instinct of Self-Preservation? A Fine Point _The young +lady in the picture has just laid out a perfect drive. She had, +unfortunately, neglected to wait until the gentleman playing ahead of +her had progressed more than fifteen yards down the fairway, and her +ball, traveling at a velocity of 1675 f.s., has caught the gentleman +squarely in the half-pint bottle. What mistake, if any, is the +gentleman making in chasing her off the course with his niblick, if we +assume that she called “Fore!” when the ball had attained to within +three feet of the gentleman?_ + +[Illustration] + +An Inexperienced “Gun” _You will exclaim, no doubt, on looking at the +scene depicted above, “Cherchez la femme.” It is, however, nothing so +serious as you will pardonably suppose. The gentleman is merely an +inexperienced “gun” at a shooting-party, who has begun following his +bird before it has risen above the head of his loader. This very clumsy +violation of the etiquette of sport proves, beyond the shadow of a +doubt, that he has learned to shoot from the comic papers, and that his +coat-of-arms can never again be looked upon as anything but bogus._ + + LISTENING TO A SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA + + The first thing to do on arriving at a symphony concert is to + express the wish that the orchestra will play Beethoven’s Fifth. + If your companion then says “Fifth what?” you are safe with him + for the rest of the evening; no metal can touch you. If, however, + he says “So do I”—this is a danger signal and he may require + careful handling. + + The next step is a glance at the program. If your escort is quite + good looking and worth cultivating, the obvious remark is “Oh + dear—not a very interesting program, to-night. But George—_look_ + at what they are playing next Thursday! My, I wish—.” If George + shies at this, it can be tried again later—say during an + “appassionato” passage for the violins and cellos. + + As soon as the music starts, all your attention should be + directed toward discovering someone who is making a + noise—whispering or coughing; having once located such a + creature, you should immediately “sh-sh” him. Should he continue + the offence, a severe frown must accompany the next “sh-sh,” a + lorgnette—if available—adding great effectiveness to the rebuke. + This will win you the gratitude of your neighbors and serve to + establish your position socially, as well as musically—for + perfect “sh-shers” do not come from the lower classes. + + At the conclusion of the first number the proper remark is + “hmmm,” accompanied by a slow shake of the head. After this you + may use any one of a number of remarks, as for example, “Well, I + suppose Mendelssohn appeals to a great many people,” or “That was + meaningless enough to have been written by a Russian.” This + latter is to be preferred, for it leads your companion to say, + “But don’t you like TschaiKOWsky?”, pronouncing the second + syllable as if the composer were a female bull. You can then + reply, “Why, yes, TschaiKOFFsky _did_ write some rather good + music—although it’s all neurotic and obviously Teutonic.” Don’t + fail to stress the “v.” + + The next number on the program will probably be the soloist—say, + a coloratura soprano. Your first remark should be that you don’t + really care for the human voice—the reason being, of course, that + symphonic Music, ABSOLUTE music, has spoiled you for things like + vocal gymnastics. This leads your bewildered friend to ask you + what sort of soloist you prefer. + + Ans.—Why, a piano concerto, of course. + + Ques.—And who is your favorite pianist? + + Ans.—Rachmaninoff. And then, before the boy has time to breathe + —SHOOT! _“Did you knoow that he has a daughter at Vassar?”_ + + Although not necessary, it might be well to finish off the poor + fellow at the end of the concert with one or two well placed + depth bombs. My own particular favorite for this is the + following, accompanied by a low sigh: “After all—Beethoven IS + Beethoven.” + + CORRECT BEHAVIOR AT A PIANO RECITAL + + The same procedure is recommended for the piano or violin + recital, with the possible addition of certain phrases such as + “Yes—of course, she has technique—but, my dear, so has an + electric piano.” This remark gives you a splendid opportunity for + sarcasm at the expense of Mr. Duo-Art and other manufacturers of + mere mechanical perfection; the word “soul”—pronounced with deep + feeling, as when repeating a fish order to a stupid waiter—may be + introduced effectively several times. + + The program at these recitals is likely to be more complex than + that at a symphony concert. This is a distinct advantage, for it + gives you a splendid opportunity to catch some wretch applauding + before the music is really finished. Nothing is quite comparable + to the satisfaction of smiling knowingly at your neighbors when + this _faux pas_ is committed, unless it be the joy of being the + first to applaud at the _real_ conclusion. This latter course, + however, is fraught with danger for the beginner; the chances for + errors in judgment are many, and the only sure way to avoid + anachronistic applause is to play the safe game and refrain + altogether from any expression of approval—a procedure which is + heartily recommended for the musically ignorant, it being also + the practise among the majority of the critics. + + IN A BOX AT THE OPERA + + The opera differs from the symphony concert, or piano recital, in + the same way that the army drill command of “At Ease!” differs + from “Rest!” When one of these orders (I never could remember + which is given to a battalion in formation), it signifies that + talking is permitted; opera, of course, corresponds to that + command. + + Before the invention of the phonograph it was often necessary for + the opera goer to pay some attention to the performance—at least + while certain favorite arias were being sung; this handicap to + the enjoyment of opera has now fortunately been overcome and one + can devote one’s entire attention to other more important things, + safe in one’s knowledge that one has Galli-Curci at home on the + Vic. + + In order really to get the most out of an opera a great deal of + study and preparation is required in advance; I have not space at + this time to cover these preliminaries thoroughly, but would + recommend to the earnest student such supplemental information as + can be obtained from Lady Duff-Gordon, or Messrs. Tiffany, Técla + and Pinaud. + + Upon entering one’s box the true opera lover at once assumes a + musical attitude; this should be practised at home, by my lady, + before a mirror until she is absolutely sure that the shoulders + and back can be seen from any part of the house. Then, with the + aid of a pair of strong opera glasses, she may proceed to + scrutinize carefully the occupants of the boxes—noting carefully + any irregular features. Technical phraseology, useful in this + connection, includes “unearthly creature,” “stray leopard” or, + simply, “that person.” + + Your two magical formulas—the Russian “w” and the sad story about + Rachmaninoff’s daughter—may, of course, be held in reserve—but + the chances are that you will be unable to use them, for during + an evening at the opera there will probably be no mention of + music. + + + + +CHAPTER FIVE: ETIQUETTE FOR DRY AGENTS + + + SOME BROADER ASPECTS OF PROHIBITION + + In spite of the great pride and joy which we Americans feel over + the success of National Prohibition; in spite of the universal + popularity of the act and the method of its enforcement; in spite + of the fact that it is now almost impossible to obtain in any of + our ex-saloons anything in the least resembling whiskey or + gin,—there still remains the distressing suspicion that quite + possibly, at some of the dinner parties and dances of our more + socially prominent people, liquor—or its equivalent—is openly + being served. Dry agents have, of course, tried on several + occasions to verify this suspicion; their praiseworthy efforts + have met, for the most part, with scant success. + + The main difficulty has been, I believe, that the average dry + agent is too little versed in the customs and manners of polite + society. It is lamentably true that, too often, has a carefully + planned society dry raid been spoiled because the host noticed + that one of his guests was wearing white socks with a black tie, + or that the intruder was using his dessert spoon on the hors + d’œuvres. + + The solution of this difficulty lies, of course, in the gradual + procuring of a better class of dry agent. There are signs + (though, unfortunately, in the wrong direction) that some of our + younger college generation are already casting envious eyes + toward the rich rewards, the social opportunities and the + exciting life of the professional bootlegger. + + It might be well to interest some of these promising youngsters + in the no less exciting occupation of National Prohibition + Enforcement Officer. At present the chief difficulty seems to lie + in the fact that, in our preparatory schools and colleges, a + young man acquires a certain code of honor which causes him to + look with distaste on what he calls pussyfooting and sneaking. + + People too often forget that, in order to make effective such a + universally beneficent law, any means are justified. It will be, + I hope, only a matter of years before this distrust of the + “sneak” will have died out, and the Dry Agent will come to be + regarded with the reverence and respect due to one who devotes + his life to the altruistic investigation of his neighbor’s + affairs. + + THE COLLEGE GRADUATE AS DRY AGENT + + Then, too, many young college men are deterred from becoming Dry + Agents by thinking of the comparative scantiness of the monetary + rewards. This difficulty is only an imaginary one—for, luckily, + as soon as a man’s code of honor has been elevated to the extent + that it permits him to take up a career of pussy-footing there is + generally eliminated at the same time any objection he might have + to what is often called bribery. Thus, by a fortunate combination + of circumstances, a Dry Agent is enabled to serve mankind and, at + the same time, greatly increase his own personal fortune. + + But we cannot wait until our college graduates come to regard + pussyfooting as a career. We must do what we can with the + material at our disposal. We must in some way educate our present + Dry Agents so that they can go to any function in polite society + and remain as inconspicuous and as completely disregarded as the + host. As a first step in such a social training I offer the + following suggestions, in the hope that before long no function + will be complete without the presence of four or five correctly + dressed National Prohibition Enforcement Officers, ready and + eager to arrest the host and hostess and all the guests on the + slightest provocation. + + PLANNING A DRY RAID ON A MASQUERADE BALL + + Let us suppose, for example, that you are a Dry Agent and that + your name is Isador Eisenberg, and, one day, you and your chief + are sitting around the Dry Agent’s Club and he says to you, + “Izzy—I see by the paper that there’s a swell society masquerade + ball to be given by the younger married set tomorrow night at the + Glen Cove Country Club. Take your squad to cover it.” At this + point you doubtless say, “Chief, I’m afraid I can’t use my squad. + My men have been disguised as trained seals all this week, and + tomorrow night, they are to raid all the actresses’ dressing + rooms at the Hippodrome” and then the Chief says, “Well, Izzy, + you’ll have to rent a costume and pull off the raid all by + yourself.” + + A WORD ABOUT CORRECT COSTUMES + + Your first concern should be, of course, your costume. If you + have a high voice (although really there is no reason for + supposing that all Dry Agents have high voices), you might well + attend the masquerade disguised as a lady. One of the neatest + and, on the whole, most satisfactory of ladies’ disguises is that + of Cleopatra. Cleopatra, as you know, was once Queen of Egypt and + the costume is quite simple and attractive. It may be, however, + that you would prefer to appear as a modern rather than an + ancient queen. A modern Queen (if one may judge from the + illustrated foreign periodicals) always wears a plain suit and + carries a tightly rolled umbrella. Should you care to attend the + masquerade as an allegorical figure—say “2000 Years of + Progress”—you might wear the Cleopatra costume and carry the + umbrella. Or you might go attired as some other less prominent + member of the nobility—for instance, Lady Dartmouth, whose + delightful costume is more or less featured in the advertising on + our better class subways and street cars, and can be obtained at + a comparatively small cost at any reliable dry goods store. + + Should you, however, feel that you would be more at ease in a + male costume, there are several suggestions which might cleverly + conceal your real identity. You might, for example, attend the + ball as Jurgen—a costume which would assure you a pleasurable + evening and many pleasing acquaintances. You might, with equal + satisfaction, go as an Indian. + + It occurs to me that it might even be a clever move to attend the + party dressed as a Dry Agent. All suspicion would be instantly + lost in the uproar of laughter which would greet your + announcement of your disguise; many men would probably so far + enter into the spirit of the joke as to offer you drinks from + their flasks, and much valuable evidence could be obtained in + this way. And the costume is quite easy—simply wear a pleated + soft-bosom dress shirt with your evening dress, and tuck the ends + of your black tie under your collar. + +[Illustration] + +Packets of Old Letters Make Acceptable Wedding Gifts _Packets of old +letters, bits of verse, locks of hair, pressed flowers, inscribed +books, photographs, etc., all make acceptable wedding gifts. By telling +you whether they should be presented to the Bride or to the Groom_ +PERFECT BEHAVIOR _has, we feel, settled the question of future +happiness in many a new-made home._ + +[Illustration] + +Correct Methods of Using Table Hardware _You are, let us say, one of +the Ushers attending the Bachelor Dinner. You are handed a bottle of +Chateau Lafitte ’69. Can you select, from the diagram above, the proper +implement to use in getting at its contents? The correct methods of +choosing and using table hardware are explained in_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR. + +[Illustration] + +It Is Sometimes Best to Be Frank _The young couple in the picture are +trying to word a plausible letter of regret in answer to an invitation +to a house-party. Had they consulted their_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR _they +would have known that there is no plausible excuse for not accepting +any invitation whatever, and that the simplest and most dignified, +method is to write the attached model letter._ + + GOOD FORM FOR DRY AGENTS DURING A RAID + + After the costume, you should arrange to obtain a mask and a + breath. The former is, of course, for the purpose of hiding your + identity; the latter is essential at any party where you wish to + remain inconspicuous. A good whisky breath can usually be + obtained from a bottle of any of the better known brands of + Scotch or Rye whisky by holding a small quantity of the liquor in + the mouth for a short period of time. It is not, of course, + necessary to swallow the liquor and in this connection I would + suggest that you use only the best grade whisky, for there are at + present being manufactured for domestic consumption several + brands which, if held in the mouth for a longer interval than, + say, three seconds, are apt to eat away the tongue or dissolve + several of your more important teeth. + + On the night of the party, therefore, having donned your Dry + Agent costume, having put on your mask, having secured a good + breath—you jump into a taxicab and drive to the Glen Cove Country + Club. And, as you enter the door of the club, some girl, dressed, + probably, as Martha Washington, will run up and kiss you. This is + not because she thinks you are George Washington; it is because + she drank that eighth Bronx cocktail at dinner. + + And right at this point is where most Dry Agents have displayed + their ignorance of the usages of polite society, for most of them + are wofully ignorant of the correct way to handle such a + situation. Your average Dry Agent, not being accustomed to the + ways of Younger Marrieds, is often confused upon being + unexpectedly kissed, and in his confusion betrays his unfortunate + lack of social training. + + The correct way to meet the above situation is based on the + fundamental rule of all social etiquette—common sense. Return the + lady’s kiss in an easy, natural manner and pass on. If she + follows you, lead her at once to a quiet unoccupied corner of the + club and knock her over the head with a chair or some other + convenient implement. It has been found that this is the only + effective way to deal with this type of woman and it is really + only a kindness to her and her husband to keep her from + embarrassing you with her attentions during the rest of the + evening. + + After you have removed your coat, you should go to the ball room + where you will find the dance in full swing—full being of course + used in its common or alcoholic sense. Take your place in the + stag line and don’t, under any circumstances, allow anyone to + induce you to cut in on any of the dancers. In the first place, + you won’t be able to dance because Dry Agents, like Englishmen, + never can; secondly, if you _try_ to dance, you are taking the + enormous chance, especially at a masquerade, that the man who + introduced you to your partner will disappear for the rest of the + evening, leaving you with Somebody’s Albatross hanging around + your neck. And, of all Albatrosses, the married one is perhaps + farthest South—especially if she happens to be a little tight and + wants to talk about her husband and children. + + Your policy, therefore, should be one of complete + non-partisanship. If you do not dance, do not let yourself be + drawn into conversation, and do not, above all things, show any + consideration for the host or hostess. By closely observing the + actions of the men and women about you, by wandering down into + the club bar, by peeking into the automobiles parked outside the + club, you will probably be able to obtain sufficient evidence of + the presence of alcohol to justify a raid. And then, when you + have raided the Glen Cove Country Club, you can turn your + attention to the 12,635,439 other clubs and private houses where + the same thing is going on. And, if Mr. Volstead has a dress + suit, you might take him with you, and show him just how + beautifully Prohibition is working and how enthusiastic the + better classes of American society are about it. + + + + +CHAPTER SIX: A CHAPTER FOR SCHOOLGIRLS + + + Every Fall a larger number of young girls leave home to come East + to the various Finishing Schools in this section of the country. + For the benefit of those who are making this trip for the first + time, we outline a few of the more important points in connection + with the preliminaries to the trip East, together with minute + instructions as to the journey itself. + + SELECTING A PROPER SCHOOL + + This is, of course, mainly a parent’s problem and is best solved + by resorting to the following formula: Let A and B represent two + young girls’ finishing schools in the East. Mrs. Raleigh-Jones + (X), from the West, sends her daughter to A; Mrs. Borax (Y), from + the same city, sends her daughter to B. Upon consulting the local + social register, it is found that Mr. Raleigh-Jones is a member + of the Union, Colonial, Town and Country, and Valley Hunt Clubs; + upon consulting the telephone directory it is found that the + Boraxes live at 1217 S. Main Street, and that Mr. Borax is an + undertaker. Shall Mrs. F. B. Gerald (Z) send her daughter Annette + to A or to B, and why? + + Answer: A, because life is real, life is earnest, and the grave + is not its goal. + + CORRECT EQUIPMENT FOR THE SCHOOLGIRL + + Having selected an educational institution, the next requisite is + a suitable equipment. Girls who live in other parts of the United + States are often surprised to discover that the clothes which + they have purchased at the best store in their home town are + totally unsuited for the rough climate of the East. I would, + therefore, recommend the following list, subject, of course, to + variation in individual cases. + + 1 Dress, chine, crepe de, pink, for dancing. + 1 Dress, chine, crepe de, pink, for petting. + 1 Dress, Swiss, Dotted, blue, or + 1 Dress, Swiss, undotted, white. + 15 yards Tulle, best quality, pink. + 4 bottles perfume, domestic, or + 1 bottle, perfume, French. + 12 Dozen Dorine, men’s pocket size. + 6 Soles, cami, assorted. + 1 Brassiere, or riding habit. + 100 boxes aspirin, for dances and house-parties. + 1 wave, permanent, for conversation. + 24 waves, temporary. + 10,000 nets, hair. + 100,000 pins, hair. + 1 bottle Quelques Fleurs, for knockout. + + EN ROUTE + + After the purchase of a complete outfit, it will be necessary to + say goodbye to one’s local friends. Partings are always somewhat + sad, but it will be found that much simple pleasure may be + derived from the last nights with the various boys to whom one is + engaged. + + In this connection, however, it would be well to avoid making any + rash statements regarding undying friendship and affection, + because, when you next see Eddie or Walter, at Christmas time, + you will have been three months in the East, while they have been + at the State University, and really, after one starts dancing + with Yale men—well, it’s a funny world. + + In case you do not happen to meet any friends on the train, the + surest way to protect yourself from any unwelcome advances is to + buy a copy of the _Atlantic Monthly_ and carry it, in plain view. + Next to a hare lip, this is the safest protection for a + travelling young girl that I know of; it has, however, the one + objection that all the old ladies on the train are likely to tell + you what they think of Katherine Fullerton Gerould, or their + rheumatism. + + If you are compelled to go to the dining car alone, you will + probably sit beside an Elk with white socks, who will call the + waiter “George.” Along about the second course he will say to + you, “It’s warm for September, isn’t it?” to which you should + answer “No.” That will dispose of the Elk. + + Across the table from you will be a Grand Army man and his wife, + going to visit their boy Elmer’s wife’s folks in Schenectady. + When the fish is served, the Grand Army man will choke on a bone. + Let him choke, but do not be too hopeful, as the chances are that + he will dislodge the bone. All will go well until the dessert, + when his wife will begin telling how raspberry sherbet always + disagrees with her. Offer her your raspberry sherbet. + + After dinner you may wish to read for a while, but the porter + will probably have made up all the berths for the night. It will + also be found that the light in your berth does not work, so you + will be awake for a long time; finally, just as you are leaving + Buffalo, you will at last get to sleep, and when you open your + eyes again, you will be—in Buffalo. + + There will be two more awakenings that night—once at Batavia, + where a merry wedding party with horns and cow bells will follow + the lucky bride and groom into your car, and once at Schenectady, + where the Pullman car shock-absorbing tests are held. The next + morning, tired but unhappy, you will reach New York. + + A JOURNEY AROUND NEW YORK + + _The Aquarium_. Take Fifth Avenue Bus to Times Square. Transfer + to 42nd Street Crosstown. Get off at 44th Street, and walk one + block south to the Biltmore. The most interesting fish will be + found underneath the hanging clock, near the telephone booths. + + _Grant’s Tomb_. Take Fifth Avenue bus, and a light lunch. Change + at Washington Square to a blue serge or dotted Swiss. Ride to the + end of the line, and walk three blocks east. Then return the same + way you came, followed by three fast sets of tennis, a light + supper and early to bed. If you do not feel better in the + morning, cut out milk, fresh fruit and uncooked foods for a + while. + + _Metropolitan Museum of Art_. Take Subway to Brooklyn. + (Flatbush.) Then ask the subway guard where to go; he will tell + you. + + _The Bronx_. Take three oranges, a lemon, three of gin, to one of + vermouth, with a dash of bitters. Serve cold. + + _The Ritz_. Take taxicab and fifty dollars. If you have only + fifty dollars the filet of sole Marguéry is very good. + + _Brooklyn Bridge_. Terrible. And their auction is worse. + + When you have visited all these places, it will probably be time + to take the train to your school. + + THE FIRST DAYS IN THE NEW SCHOOL + + The first week of school life is apt to be quite discouraging, + and we can not too emphatically warn the young girl not to do + anything rash under the influence of homesickness. It is in this + initial period that many girls, feeling utterly alone and + friendless, write those letters to boys back home which are later + so difficult to pass off with a laugh. It is during this first + attack of homesickness also that many girls, in their loneliness, + recklessly accept the friendship of other strange girls, only to + find out later that their new acquaintance’s mother was a Miss + Gundlefinger of Council Bluffs, or that she lives on the south + side of Chicago. We advise: Go slow at first. + + BECOMING ACCLIMATIZED + + In your first day at school you will be shown your room; in your + room you will find a sad-eyed fat girl. You will be told that + this will be your room mate for the year. You will find that you + have drawn a blank, that she comes from Topeka, Kan., that her + paw made his money in oil, and that she is religious. You will be + nice to her for the first week, because you aren’t taking any + chances at the start; you will tolerate her for the rest of the + year, because she will do your lessons for you every night. + + Across the hall from you there will be two older girls who are + back for their second year. One of them will remind you of the + angel painted on the ceiling of the Victory Theatre back home, + until she starts telling about her summer at Narragansett; from + the other you will learn how to inhale. + + A VISITOR FROM PRINCETON + + About the middle of the first term your cousin Charley Waldron, + that freshman at Princeton, will write and say that he would like + to come up and see you. You go to Miss French and ask her if you + can have your cousin visit you. She sniffs at the “cousin” and + tell’s you that she must have a letter from Charley’s father, one + from Charley’s minister, one from the governor of your state, and + one from some disinterested party certifying that Charley has + never been in the penitentiary, has never committed arson, and is + a legitimate child. After you have secured these letters, Miss + French will tell you that Charley will be allowed to see you next + Saturday from four till five. + + Charley will come and will be ushered into the reception room. + While he is sitting there alone, the entire school will walk + slowly, one by one, past the open door and look in at him. This + will cause Charley to perspire freely and to wish to God he had + worn his dark suit. + + It is not at all likely that you will be allowed to go to New + Haven during your first year, which is quite a pity, as this + city, founded in 1638, is rich in historical interest. It was + here, for example, in 1893, that Yale defeated Harvard at + football, and the historic Pigskin which was used that day is + still preserved intact. Many other quaint relics are to be seen + in and around the city of elms, mementos of the past which bring + to the younger generation a knowledge and respect for things + gone. In the month of June, for example, there is really nothing + which quite conjures up for the college youth of today a sense of + the mutability and impermanence of this mortal life so much as + the sight of a member of the class of 1875 after three days’ + intensive drinking. _Eheu fugaces!_ + +[Illustration] + +“Who Shall Write First?” _“Who shall write first?” is a question that +has perplexed many a lady or gentleman who is anxious to do the correct +thing under any circumstances. A lady who has left town may send a +brief note or a “P. P. C.” (“pour prendre congé,” i.e., “to take +leave”) card to a gentleman who remains at home, if the gentleman is +her husband and if she has left town with his business partner. Neither +the note nor the card requires an acknowledgment, but many a husband +takes pleasure in penning his congratulations to the lady, concluding +with an expression of gratitude to his friend._ + + + + +CHAPTER SEVEN: THE ETIQUETTE OF GAMES AND SPORTS + + + GOLF AS A PASTIME + + “Golf” (from an old Scottish word meaning “golf”) is becoming + increasingly popular in the United States, and almost every city + now has at least one private club devoted to the pursuit of this + stylish pastime. Indeed, in many of our larger metropolises, the + popular enthusiasm has reached such heights that free “public” + courses have been provided for the citizens with, I may say, + somewhat laughable results, as witness the fact that I myself + have often seen persons playing on these “public” courses in + ordinary shirts and trousers, tennis shoes, and _suspenders_. + + The influence of this “democratization” on the etiquette of what + was once an exclusive sport has been, in many instances, + deplorable, and I am sure that our golf-playing forefathers would + turn over in their graves were they to “play around” today on one + of the “public” courses. In no pastime are the customs and + unwritten laws more clearly defined, and it is essential that the + young lady or gentleman of fashion who contemplates an afternoon + on the “links” devote considerable time and attention to the + various niceties of the etiquette of this ancient and honorable + game. + + A young man, for example, when playing with his employer, should + always take pains to let his employer win. This is sometimes + extremely difficult, but with practice even the most stubborn of + obstacles can be overcome. On the first tee, for instance, after + the employer, having swung and missed the ball completely one or + two times, has managed to drive a distance of some forty-nine + yards to the extreme right, the young man should take care to + miss the ball completely _three_ times, and then drive + forty-eight yards to the extreme left. This is generally done by + closing the eyes tightly and rising up sharply on both toes just + before hitting the ball. + + On the “greens” it is customary for a young man to “concede” his + employer every “putt” which is within twenty feet of the hole. If + the employer insists on “putting” [Ed. note:—He won’t] and + misses, the young man should take care to miss his own “putt.” + After both have “holed out,” the young man should ask, “how many + strokes, sir?” The employer will reply, “Let me see—I think I + took seven for this hole, didn’t I?” A well-bred young man will + not under any circumstances remind his employer that he saw him + use at least three strokes for the drive, three strokes for his + second shot, four strokes in the “rough,” seven strokes in the + “bunker,” and three “putts” on the “green,” but will at once + reply, “No, sir, I think you only took six, altogether.” The + employer will then say, “Well, well, call it six. I generally get + five on this hole. What did you take?” The young man should then + laugh cheerily and reply, “Oh, I took my customary seven.” To + which the employer will sympathetically say, “Too bad!” + + After the employer has thus won his first three holes he will + begin to offer the young man advice on how to improve his game. + This is perhaps the most trying part of the afternoon’s sport, + but a young man of correct breeding and good taste will always + remember the respect due an older man, and will not make the + vulgar error of telling his employer for God’s sake shut up + before he gets a brassie in his———— ear. + + A wife playing with her husband should do everything in her power + to make the game enjoyable for the latter. She should encourage + him, when possible, with little cheering proverbs, such as, “If + at first you don’t succeed, try, try again,” and she should aid + him with her advice when she thinks he is in need of it. Thus, + when he drives into the sycamore tree on number eleven, she + should say, “Don’t you think, dear, that if you aimed a little + bit more to the right....” et cetera. When they come to number + fourteen, and his second shot lands in the middle of the lake, + she should remark, “Perhaps you didn’t hit it hard enough, dear.” + And when, on the eighteenth, his approach goes through the + second-story window of the club-house, she should say, “Dear, I + wonder if you didn’t hit that too hard?” Such a wife is a true + helpmate, and not merely a pretty ornament on which a silly + husband can hang expensive clothes, and if he is the right sort + of man, he will appreciate this, and refrain from striking her + with a niblick after this last remark. + + A young wife who does not play the game herself can, + nevertheless, be of great help to her husband by listening + patiently, night after night, while he tells her how he drove the + green on number three, and took a four on number eight (Par + five), and came up to the fourteenth one under fours. Caddies + should be treated at all times with the respect and pity due + one’s fellow creatures who are “unfortunate.” The sins of the + fathers are visited upon the children, and one should always + remember that it is not, after all, the poor caddy’s fault that + he was born blind. + + AN AFTERNOON AT THE OLD FARM WITH THE DICE + + “Craps” is a game played with dice, which is often popular in the + men’s coat and smoking-rooms before and during formal receptions, + balls, recitals, etcetera. It should not be imagined, however, + that “craps” is a sport for men only; on the contrary, smart + women are enthusiastically taking up this sport in numerous + localities, and many an affair which started as a dinner party or + a musicale has ended in a crap game, with all the guests seated + in an excited circle on the floor, contributing to the host’s + efforts to make expenses for the evening. + + It is in connection with these “mixed” games, however, that most + of the more serious questions of “craps” etiquette arise. If, for + example, you are a young man desirous of “shooting craps” with + your grandmother, the correct way of indicating your desire when + you meet the old lady in a public place is for you to remove your + hat deferentially and say “Shoot a nickel, Grandmother?” If she + wishes to play she will reply “Shoot, boy!” and you should then + select some spot suitable for the game and assist her, if she + wishes your aid, to kneel on the ground. It might be an added + mark of gentility to offer her your handkerchief or coat upon + which to rest her knees. + + You should then take out the dice and “shoot.” Your grandmother + will look at your “throw” and say, “Oh, boy! He fives—he fives—a + three and a two—never make a five—come on, you baby seven!” You + should then take up the dice again and shake them in your right + hand while your grandmother chants, “A four and a three—a four + and a two—dicety dice, and an old black joe—come on, you SEVEN!” + You should then again “shoot.” This time, as you have thrown a + six and a one, your grandmother will then exclaim, “He sevens—the + boy sevens—come on to grandmother, dice—talk to the nice old + lady—Phoebe for grandma, dice, for grandpa needs a new pair of + shoes—shoot a dime!” + + She will then “throw,” and so the game will go on until the old + lady evidences a desire to stop, or, possibly, until either you + or she are “cleaned out.” In this latter case, however, it would + be a customary act of courtesy towards an older person for you to + offer to shoot your grandmother for her shawl or her side combs, + thus giving her several more chances to win back the money she + has lost. It should be recommended that young men never make a + mistake in going a little out of their way on occasion to make + life more pleasant and agreeable for the aged. + + CORRECT BEHAVIOR ON A PICNIC + + There often comes a time in the life of the members of “society” + when they grow a little weary of the ceaseless round of teas, + balls and dinners, and for such I would not hesitate to recommend + a “picnic.” + + A day spent in the “open,” with the blue sky over one’s head, is + indeed a splendid tonic for jaded nerves. But one should not make + the mistake of thinking that because he (or she) is “roughing it” + for a day, he (or she) can therefore leave behind his (or her) + “manners,” for such is not the case. There is a distinct + etiquette for picnics, and any one who disregards this fact is + apt to find to his (or her) sorrow that the “shoe” in this case + is decidedly “on the other foot.” + + A young man, for example, is often asked by a young lady to + accompany her on a “family picnic.” To this invitation he should, + after some consideration, reply either “Yes” or “No,” and if the + former, he should present himself at the young lady’s house + promptly on the day set for the affair (usually Sunday). + + A “family picnic” generally consists of a Buick, a father, a + mother, a daughter, a small son, beef loaf, lettuce sandwiches, a + young man (you), two blow-outs, one spare tire, and Aunt + Florence. + + The father drives with his small boy beside him; in the rear are + the mother, the daughter, Aunt Florence, the thermos bottles, the + lunch baskets and you. As you take your seat you must remember + that it is a distinct evidence of bad breeding to show in any way + that you are conscious of the fact that the car has been standing + for the last hour and forty-four minutes in the hot July sun. + + “We’re off!” cries father, pressing his foot on the self-starting + pedal. Thirty minutes later you roll away from the curb and the + picnic has begun. The intervening time has, of course, been + profitably spent by you in walking to the nearest garage for two + new sparkplugs. + + It should be your duty, as guest, to see that the conversation in + the rear seat is not allowed to lag. “It’s a great day,” you + remark, as the car speeds along. “I think it’s going to rain,” + replies Aunt Florence. “Not too fast, Will!” says mother. + “Mother!” says the daughter. + + Ten minutes later you should again remark, “My, what a wonderful + day!” “Those clouds are gathering in the west,” says Aunt + Florence, “I think we had better put the top up.” “I think this + is the wrong road,” says mother. + + “Dear, I know what I’m doing,” replies father. + + The secret of good conversation lies in discovering the “hobby” + of the person with whom one is conversing, and a good talker + always throws out several “feelers” in order to find out the + things in which his partner is most interested. You should, + therefore, next say to mother, “Don’t you think this is a + glorious day for a picnic?” to which she will reply, “Well, I’m + sure this is the wrong road. Hadn’t you better ask?” The husband + will answer nothing, but Aunt Florence will murmur, “I think I + felt a drop of rain, Will. If you don’t put the top up now, we’ll + all be drenched.” + + The husband will then stop the car, and you and he will proceed + to put up the top. In doing this, it is customary for the guest + to get the second and third fingers of his right hand so severely + pinched that he can not use the hand for several days. As soon as + the top is up and the rain curtains are in place the sun will + come out and you can at once get out and put the top down, taking + care this time to ruin two fingers of the _left_ hand. + + No good conversationalist confines himself exclusively to one + subject, and when you are once more “under way” you should remark + to the mother, “I think that motoring is great fun, don’t you, + Mrs. Caldwell?” Her answer will be, “I wish you wouldn’t drive so + fast!” You should then smile and say to Aunt Florence, “Don’t + _you_ think that motoring is great fun, Mrs. Lockwood?” As she is + about to reply, the left rear tire will blow out with a loud + noise and the car will come to a bumping stop. + + The etiquette of changing a tire is fairly simple. As soon as the + “puncture” occurs one should at once remark, “Is there anything I + can do?” This request should be repeated from time to time, + always taking care, however, that no one takes it at all + seriously. The real duty of a young man who is a “guest” on a + motor trip on which a “blow-out” occurs is, of course, to keep + the ladies of the party amused during the delay. This can be + accomplished by any of the conventional methods, such as card + tricks, handsprings, and other feats of athletic agility, or + making funny jokes about the host who is at work on the tire. + + When the damage has been repaired and the car is once more + speeding along, leaving behind it mile after mile of dusty road + as well as father’s best “jack” and set of tire tools, the small + boy will suddenly remark, “I’m hungry.” His father will then + reply, “We’ll be at a fine place to eat in ten minutes.” Thirty + minutes later mother will remark, “Will, that looks like a good + place for a picnic over there.” The father will reply, “No—we’re + coming to a wonderful place—just trust me, Mary!” Twenty minutes + later Aunt Florence will say, “Will, I think that grove over + there would be fine for our lunch,” to which the husband will + reply, “We’re almost at the place I know about—it’s ideal for a + picnic.” Forty minutes after this, father will stop the car and + point to a clump of trees. “There,” he will say, “what do you + think of that?” “Oh, we can’t eat _there!_” will be the answer of + mother, daughter and Aunt Florence. “Drive on a bit further—I + think I know a place.” + + Three hours and thirty minutes later (i. e. four hours past your + normal lunch hour) there will be another puncture and as the car + stops beside a wheat field it will begin to rain, and the + daughter will sigh, “Well, we might as well eat here.” The + “picnic” will then be held in the car, and nothing really quite + carries one back to nature and primeval man as does warm lemonade + and a lettuce sandwich in a Buick with the top up and side + curtains on. + + After lunch it will be time to return home, and after you and + father have ruined your clothes in repairing the punctures, the + merry party will proceed on its way. The next morning, if you + have not caught pneumonia, you will be able to go to your work + greatly refreshed by your day’s outing in the lap of old Mother + Nature. + +[Illustration] + +Correct Negotiations for a Seat in the Subway _Nowhere is the etiquette +of travel more abused than our subways. The gentleman shown above is en +route to his fiancée’s flat in the Bronx. He has neglected to purchase +the customary bouquet for his intended and has offered his seat to the +lady, who is standing, in exchange for her corsage bouquet. Should she +accept the proposition without further ado, or should she request the +guard to introduce the gentleman first?_ + +[Illustration] + +Old Fashioned Letter and Writers vs. Perfect Behavior _The young lady +has received an invitation to a quilting-bee from a Mrs. Steenwyck and, +anxious to make a correct reply, she has bought a Complete Letter +Writer to aid her to this end. To her surprise and dismay, she finds +that it contains three model replies to such an invitation beginning +“Dear Mrs. Peartree,” “Dear Mrs. Rombouts,” and “Dear Mrs. Bevy,” and +one invitation to a christening beginning, “Dear Mrs. Steenwyck,” but +no reply to an invitation to a quilting-bee beginning “Dear Mrs. +Steenwyck.”_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR _settles such perplexities._ + +[Illustration] + +What to Avoid in Crests _Crests or other armorial bearings on notepaper +are no longer considered absolutely necessary to establish one’s social +position. Nevertheless, if one feels that note-paper that does not bear +the family escutcheon is not quite all that note-paper should be, it is +permissible to have it stamped neatly at the top of the first sheet. +Care should be exercised to avoid selecting coats-of-arms that might be +recognized, such as that of the United States or Great Britain. Rather +solicit the taste of a good stationer than commit the blunders depicted +above._ + + BOXING IN AMERICAN SOCIETY + + Although many of America’s foremost boxers have been persons whom + one would not care to know socially, yet much fun and pleasure + can be had out of the “manly art” if practised in a gentlemanly + manner. + + “Boxing parties” are generally held in the evening. The ballroom + of one’s home can be pleasantly decorated for the occasion, with + a square ring roped off in the centre surrounded by seats for the + ladies and gentlemen who come as invited guests. Evening dress is + usually worn. + + The contests should be between various members of one’s social + “set” who are fond of the sport and can be counted on to remember + at all times that they are gentlemen. + + The matches should be arranged in tournament form, so that the + winner of one bout meets the winner of the next bout, et cetera, + until all but two have been eliminated. The boxer who wins this + final contest shall be proclaimed the “champion.” + + Great fun can then be had by announcing that the “champion” will + be permitted to box three rounds with a “masked marvel.” The + identity of this “unknown” (who is usually Jack Dempsey or some + other noted professional pugilist) should be kept carefully + secret, so that all the guests are in a glow of mystified + excitement when the contest begins, and you can imagine their + delight and happy enthusiasm when the “masked marvel” cleverly + knocks the “champion” for a double loop through the ropes into + the lap of some tittering “dowager.” + + Refreshments should then be served and the “champion” can be + carried home in a car or ambulance provided by the thoughtful + host. + + BRIDGE WHIST + + “Bridge whist,” or “Bridge,” as it is often called by the younger + generation, is rapidly replacing whist as the favorite card game + of good society, and “bridge” parties are much _en vogue_ for + both afternoon and evening entertainments. In order to become an + expert “bridge” player one must, of course, spend many months and + even years in a study of the game, but any gentleman or lady of + average intelligence can, I believe, pick up the fundamentals of + “bridge” in a short while. + + Let us suppose, for example, that you, as a “young man about + town,” are invited to play “bridge” on the evening of Friday, + November seventeenth, at the home of Mrs. Franklin Gregory. Now, + although you may have played the game only once or twice in your + life, it would never do to admit the fact, for in good society + one is supposed to play “bridge” just as one is supposed to hate + newspaper publicity, and on the evening of Friday, November + seventeenth, you should present yourself in suitable attire at + Mrs. Gregory’s home. + + There you will find fifteen or twenty other guests, and after a + few minutes of light social banter a bell will ring and the + players will take their places. At your table will be Mrs. F. + Jamison Dollings (your partner) and Mr. and Mrs. Theodore Watts. + Mrs. Dollings (Sept. 6, 1880) is considered one of the most + expert “bridge” players in the city, while Mr. Watts has one of + the largest retail clothing stores in the central part of the + State. Mrs. Watts was one of the Van Cortlandt girls (the plain + one). + + As you are probably (next to Mr. and Mrs. Watts) the worst + “bridge” player in the room it should be your duty to make up for + this deficiency by keeping the other three players + conversationally stimulated, for nothing so enlivens a game of + “bridge” as a young man or woman with a pleasing personality and + a gift for “small talk.” Thus, at the very beginning, after you + have finished dealing the cards, you should fill in what seems to + you an embarrassing pause by telling one of your cleverest + stories, at the conclusion of which Mrs. Dollings will remark, + “We are waiting for your bid, Mr. S——.” + + The etiquette of “bidding,” as far as you are concerned, should + resolve itself into a consistent effort on your part to become + “dummy” for each and every game. The minute your partner (Mrs. + Dollings) bids anything, it should be your duty as a gentleman to + see that she gets it, no matter what the cost. + + Thus, on the first hand, you “pass.” Mr. Watts then says, “Wait a + minute, till I get these cards fixed”; to which Mrs. Watts + replies, “Theodore, for Heaven’s sake, how long do you want?” Mr. + Watts then says, “Which is higher—clubs or hearts?” to which Mrs. + Watts replies, “Clubs.” Mrs. Dollings then says, “I beg your + pardon, but hearts have always been considered higher than + clubs.” Mrs. Watts says, “Oh, yes, of course,” and gives Mr. + Watts a mean look. Mr. Watts then says, “I bid—let’s see—I bid + two spades—no, two diamonds.” Mrs. Dollings quickly says, “Two + lilies,” Mr. Watts says, “What’s a lily?” to which Mrs. Watts + replies, “Theodore!” and then bids “Two spades,” at which Mrs. + Dollings says, “I beg your pardon, but I have just bid two + spades.” Mr. Watts then chuckles, and Mrs. Watts says (but not to + Mr. Watts), “I beg your pardon.” Mrs. Watts then bids “Three + spades,” at which you quickly say, “Four spades.” + + This bid is not “raised.” Mrs. Dollings then says to you, “I am + counting on your spades to help me out,” at which you look at the + only spade in your hand (the three) and answer, “Ha! Ha! Ha!” + There is then a wait of four minutes, at the end of which Mrs. + Dollings wearily says, “It is your first lead, is it not, Mrs. + Watts?” Mrs. Watts then blushes, says, “Oh, I beg your pardon!” + and leads the four of hearts. You then lay down your “dummy” + hand. Before Mrs. Dollings has had time to discover just what you + have done to her, you should rise quickly and say, “Excuse me, + but I want to use the telephone a minute.” You should then go + into the next room and wait ten or fifteen minutes. When you + return Mrs. Dollings will have disappeared, Mrs. Watts will be + looking fixedly at Mr. Watts, and Mr. Watts will be saying, + “Well, it’s a silly game, anyway.” + + You and Mr. and Mrs. Watts can then have a nice game of + twenty-five cent limit stud poker for the rest of the evening, + and it would certainly be considered a thoughtful and gracious + “gesture” if, during the next two or three weeks, you should call + occasionally at the hospital to see how Mrs. Dollings is “getting + on,” or you might even send some flowers or a nice potted plant. + + FORMAL AND INFORMAL DRINKING + + “Drinking” has, of course, always been a popular sport among the + members of the better classes of society, but never has the + enthusiasm for this pastime been so great in America as since the + advent of “prohibition.” Gentlemen and ladies who never before + cared much for “drinking” have now given up almost all other + amusements in favor of this fascinating sport; young men and + debutantes have become, in the last few years, fully as expert in + the game as their parents. In many cities “drinking” has become + more popular than “bridge” or dancing and it is predicted that, + with a few more years of “prohibition,” “drinking” will supersede + golf and baseball as the great American pastime. + + The effect of this has been to change radically many of the + fundamental rules of the sport, and the influence on the + etiquette of the game has been no less marked. What was + considered “good form” in this pastime among our forefathers now + decidedly _démodé_, and the correct drinker of 1910 is as + obsolete and out of date in the present decade as the + “frock-coat.” + + The game today is divided into (a) formal and (b) informal + drinking. “Formal drinking” is usually played after dinner and is + more and more coming to take the place of charades, + sleight-of-hand performances, magic lantern shows, “dumb crambo,” + et cetera, as the parlor amusement _par excellence_. “Formal + drinking” can be played by from one to fifteen people in a house + of ordinary dimensions; for a larger number it is generally + better to provide a garage, a large yard, and special police, + fire and plate glass insurance. The game is played with glasses, + ice, and a dozen bottles of either whisky or gin. + + The sport is begun by the host’s wife, who says, “How would you + all like to play a little bridge?” This is followed by silence. + Another wife then says, “I think it would be awfully nice to play + a little bridge.” One of the men players then steps forward and + says “I think it would be awfully nice to have a little drink.” + + An “It” is then selected—always, by courtesy, the host. The “It” + then says, “How would you all like to have a little drink?” The + men players then answer in the affirmative and the “It’s” wife + says, “Now Henry dear, please—remember what happened last time.” + The “It” replies, “Yes, dear,” and goes into the cellar, while + the “It’s” wife, after providing each guest with a glass, puts + away the Dresden china clock, the porcelain parrot. and the gold + fish globe. + + Sides are chosen—usually with the husbands on one “team” and the + wives on the other. The purpose of the game is for the + “husbands’, team” to try to drink up all the “It’s” liquor before + the “wives’ team” can get them to go home. + + When the “It” returns with the liquor he pours out a portion for + each player and at a given signal all drink steadily for several + minutes. The “It’s” wife then says, “Now—how about a few rubbers + of bridge?” She is immediately elected “team captain” for the + rest of the evening. It is the duty of the “team captain” to + provide cracked ice and water, to get ready the two spare + bedrooms, to hold Wallie Spencer’s hand, to keep Eddie Armstrong + from putting his lighted cigaret ends on the piano, and to break + up the party as soon as possible. The game generally ends when + (1) the liquor is all gone, (2) the “It” (or three guests) have + passed “out,” (3) Wallie Spencer starts telling about his war + experiences. “Informal” drinking needs, of course, no such + elaborate preparations and can be played anywhere and any time + there is anything to drink. The person who is caught with the + liquor is “It,” and the object of the game is to take all the + liquor away from the “It” as soon as possible. In order to avoid + being “It,” many players sometimes resort to various low + subterfuges, such as sneaking down alone to the club locker-room + during a dance, but this practise is generally looked upon with + great disfavor—especially by that increasingly large group of + citizens who are unselfishly devoting their lives to the cause of + a “dry America” by consuming all of the present rapidly + diminishing visible supply. + + A JOLLY HALLOWE’EN PARTY + + The problem of providing suitable entertainment for one’s + informal parties is something which has perplexed many a host and + hostess in recent years. How often has it happened that just when + you had gotten your guests nicely seated around the parlor + listening to the Caruso record, some ill-mannered fellow would + remark, “Oh, Lord—let’s go over to the Tom Phillips’ and get + something to drink.” How many times in the past have you prepared + original little “get-together” games, such as Carol Kennicott did + in _Main Street_, only to find that, when you again turned the + lights on, half the company had disappeared for the evening. + + Of course we cannot all be as startlingly clever as Carol, but + Hallowe’en, which comes this year on October 31st, offers a + splendid opportunity for originality and “peppy” fun. The + following suggestions are presented to ambitious hostesses with + the absolute guaranty that no matter what other reactions her + guests may have, they will certainly not be bored. + +[Illustration] + +Care Should Be Exercised in the Choice of Post-Cards _Few people +realize the value of picture post-cards as indicators of the birth, +breeding, and character of the sender, yet nothing so definitely +“places” a person socially as his choice of these souvenirs. Could you +have selected the senders of the above cards?_ + +[Illustration] + +Cards Concealed about the Person Betray the Boor _In spite of his +haughty airs and fine clothes, the gentleman betrays that he is not +much accustomed to good society when, having been asked by his hostess +if he would care to remove his coat and waistcoat during the warm +evening of bridge, he, in doing so, reveals the presence of several +useful cards hidden about his person. This sort of thing, while often +tolerated at less formal “stag” poker-parties, is seldom, ever, +permissible when ladies are present. The young man was simply ignorant +of the fact that Hoyle and not Herman the Great is the generally +accepted authority on cards in the “beau monde.”_ + + INVITATIONS + + The whole spirit of Hallowe’en is, of course, one of “spooky” + gayety and light-hearted ghastliness. Witches and ghosts run + riot; corpses dance and black cats howl. “More work for the + undertaker” should be the leitmotif of the evening’s fun. + + The moribund spirit can be delightfully observed, first of all, + in the preparation of the invitations. I know of one hostess, for + instance, who gained a great reputation for originality by + enclosing a dead fish with each bidding to the evening’s + gayeties. It is, of course, not at all necessary to follow her + example to the letter; the enclosure of anything dead will + suffice, providing, of course, that it is not TOO dead. There is + such a thing as carrying a joke beyond the limits of propriety, + and the canons of good taste should always be respectfully + observed. + + Another amusing way of preparing invitations is to cut out + colored paper in the shape of cats, witches, etc., upon which + appropriate verses are inscribed. Such as: + + “Next Monday night is Hallowe’en, + You big stiff.” + or + “On Monday next comes All-Hallows-Even, + My grandmother’s maiden name was Stephens.” + or + “On Hallowe’en you may see a witch + If you don’t look out, you funny fellow.” + or + “Harry and I are giving a Hallowe’en party; + Harry says you owe him four dollars; please be prompt. + or + “Monday night the ghosts do dance; + Why didn’t you enlist and go to France, + You slacker?” + + Another novel invitation is made by cutting a piece of yellow + paper thirteen inches long and four inches wide, and writing on + each inch one of the lines given below. Then begin at the bottom + and fold the paper up, inch by inch. Fasten the last turn down + with a “spooky” gummed sticker, and slip into a small envelope. + When the recipient unfolds the invitation, he will be surprised + to read the following: + + Now what on earth + do you suppose + is in this + little folder + keep turning + ha ha ha + further + ha ha ha + further + ha ha ha, + further + ha ha ha + further + + It would perhaps be best to telephone the next day to those + guests whom you really want, and give them further details as to + the date and time of the party. Additional fun can be gotten out + of this invitation by failing to put postage stamps on the + envelopes when you mail them; the two cents which each guest will + have to pay for postage due can be returned in a novel manner on + the night of the party by inserting them in sandwiches or stuffed + tomatoes. + + For those who may wish to send out more elaborate invitations, + the following distinctly original plan is suggested: Procure a + number of small alarm clocks and a quantity of nitroglycerine or + other high explosive. Insert in each clock a small amount of the + nitroglycerine, being careful not to put too much; a quantity + sufficient to wreck a room 20 X 30 Will generally suffice. Then + arrange the alarm mechanism so that the explosion will occur at + 12 midnight. Attach to the clock a card, neatly decorated with + witches, goblins, etc., on which is written + + “Midnight is the mystic hour + Of yawning graves and coffins dour. + Beneath your bed this clock please hide + And when it strikes—you’ll be surprised.” + + These clocks should then be delivered in the afternoon to those + of the guests whom you are merely inviting because they are your + husband’s business associates, or because they were nice to your + mother when she did her own work. Later on, in order to avoid + hard feelings on the part of relatives and friends of the + deceased, it might be well to explain to them that you sent the + clocks only in the spirit of Hallowe’en fun; it might even help + to invite them to one of your next parties. + + RECEIVING THE GUESTS + + On Hallowe’en night great care should be taken in the + preparations for receiving the guests in a mystic manner; no + pains should be spared in the effort to start the evening off + with a “bang.” + + Several novel ideas are offered for starting the guests off on + the right informal spirit. Before they arrive, it is a good plan + to take the street number off your house and fasten it to the + porch of your next door neighbors, who will, of course, be at + home because they are perfectly impossible people whom no one + would invite anywhere. Extinguish all the lights in your own + house; your neighbor, as he comes downstairs twenty-five or + thirty times in the next hour, will obligingly tell your + bewildered friends specifically where to go. + + When the guest finally learns from the neighborhood policeman + which house on the block is really yours he will discover on your + door a sign reading: + + “If you would be my Valentine, + Follow please the bright green line.” + + Leading from the door is a green cord which the mystified guest + proceeds to follow, according to directions. This cord should + guide the way to the coal cellar of your other neighbor who has + recently purchased an automatic revolver under the delusion that + burglars are operating in the neighborhood. As your bewildered + guest gropes his way about the cellar, it is quite likely that he + will be shot at several times and by the time he emerges (if he + does emerge) he will be quite delightfully full of the informal + spirit of Hallowe’en and ready for anything. + + HOW TO MYSTIFY + + At this point, your wife, dressed as a witch, should unexpectedly + rush out at him; there is always the delightful possibility that + he will pick up a convenient rock and brain her on the spot—an + event which often adds an unexpected touch of gayety to the + evening’s fun. If, however, no such event occurs, the guest + should be blindfolded and led into the house. Once inside he is + conducted upstairs to the attic, where he will find three or four + earlier arrivals also blindfolded. + + The hands and feet of these four are then securely tied and they + are told that they are to be left there all evening. This is + really a great joke, because they do not, of course, at the time, + believe what you say, and when you come up to untie them the next + morning, their shame-faced discomposure is truly laughable. + + The green-cord-into-neighbor’s-coal-cellar joke can be cleverly + varied by taking the lid off your cistern and making the green + line lead in that direction. Great care should be taken, however, + to keep an exact account of the number of guests who succumb to + this trick, for although an unexpected “ducking” is + excruciatingly humorous, drowning often results fatally. + + Great fun can be added to the evening’s entertainment by dressing + several of the guests as ghosts, witches, corpses, etc; these + costumes can be quite simply and economically made in the home, + or can be procured from some reliable department store. + + An “old-fashioned” witch’s costume consists of a union suit + (Munsing or any other standard brand), corset, brassiere, + chemise, underpetticoat, overpetticoat, long black skirt, long + black stockings, shoes, black waist and shawl, with a pointed + witch’s hat and a broomstick. The “modern” witch’s costume is + much simpler and inexpensive in many details. + + A particularly novel and “hair raising” effect may be produced by + painting the entire body of one of the male guests with + phosphorus. As this glowing nude stalks uncannily through the + darkened rooms you may easily imagine the ghastly + effect—especially upon his wife. + + GAMES + + After the guests have sufficiently amused themselves with the + ghosts and witches it will be time to commence some of the many + games which are always associated with Hallowe’en. “Bobbing for + apples” is, of course, the most common of these games and great + sport it is, too, to watch the awkward efforts of the guests as + they try to pick up with their teeth the apples floating in a + large tub. I know of one hostess who added greatly to the + evening’s fun by pouring twelve quarts of gin into the tub; the + effect on the bobbers was, of course, extremely comical, except + for the unfortunate conduct of two gentlemen, one of whom went to + sleep in the tub, the other so far forgetting himself as + playfully to throw all the floating fruit at the hostess’ pet + Pomeranian. + + Most Hallowe’en games concern themselves with delving into the + future in the hopes that one may there discover one’s husband or + bride-to-be. In one of these games the men stand at one end of + the room, facing the girls, with their hands behind their backs + and eyes tightly closed. The girls are blindfolded and one by one + they are led to within six feet of the expectant men and given a + soft pin cushion which they hurl forward. The tradition is that + whichever man the girl hits, him will she marry. Great fun can be + added to the game by occasionally substituting a rock or iron + dumb-bell in place of the romantic pin cushion. + + Another game based on a delightful old Hallowe’en tradition is as + follows: A girl is given a lighted candle and told to walk + upstairs into the room at the end of the hall where, by looking + in a mirror, she will see her future husband. Have it arranged so + that you are concealed alone in the room. When the girl arrives, + look over her shoulder into the mirror. She had better go + downstairs after ten minutes, though, so that another girl can + come up. This tradition dates from before William the Conqueror. + + No Hallowe’en is complete, of course, without fortune telling. + Dress yourself as a wizard and have the guests led in one by one + to hear their fortune told. Hanging in front of you should be a + caldron, from which you extract the slip of paper containing the + particular fortune. These slips of paper should be prepared + beforehand. The following are suggested: + + “You will meet a well dressed, good looking man who understands + you better than your husband. How about Thursday at the Plaza?” + + “You are about to receive a shipment of Scotch whisky that you + ordered last month. And it’s about time you kicked across with + some of your own.” + + “You will have much trouble in your life if you lie about your + golf score as you did last Sunday on Number 12.” + + Still another pleasing Hallowe’en game, based on the revelation + of one’s matrimonial future, is played as follows: Seven lighted + candles are placed in a row on a table. The men are then + blindfolded, whirled around three times and commanded to blow out + the candles. The number extinguished at a blow tells the number + of years before they meet their bride. This game only grows + interesting, of course, when some old goat with long whiskers can + be induced to take a blind shot at blowing out the candles. Have + Pyrene convenient—but not too convenient to spoil the fun. + + For the older members of the party, the host should provide + various games of cards and dice. In keeping with the ghastly + spirit of the occasion, it would be well to have the dice + carefully loaded. Many hosts have thus been able to make all + expenses and often a handsome profit out of the evening’s + entertainment. + + If the crap game goes particularly well, many hosts do not + hesitate to provide elaborate refreshments for the guests. Here, + too, the spirit of fun and jollity should prevail, and great + merriment is always provoked by the ludicrous expression of the + guest who has broken two teeth on the cast-iron olive. Other + delightful surprises should be arranged, and a little Sloan’s + liniment in the punch or ground glass in the ice cream will go a + long way toward making the supper amusing. And finally, when the + guests are ready to depart and just before they discover that you + have cut cute little black cats and witches out of the backs of + their evening wraps and over coats, it would perhaps be well to + run up stairs and lock yourself securely in your room. + + + + +CHAPTER EIGHT: CORRESPONDENCE AND INVITATIONS + + + CORRESPONDENCE + + It is narrated of a well-known English lady (who is noted on the + other side of the Atlantic for the sharpness of her wit) that on + one occasion, when a vainglorious American was boasting of his + country’s prowess in digging the Panama Canal, she calmly waited + until he had finished and then replied, with an indescribable + smile, “Ah—but you Americans do not know how to write letters.” + Needless to say the discomfited young man took himself off at the + earliest opportunity. + + There is much truth, alas, in the English lady’s clever retort, + for the automatic typewriter, the telegraph, and the penny postal + card have done much to cause a gradual decline in the gentle art + of correspondence. As one American woman recently remarked to a + visitor (with more wit, however, than good taste), “Yes, we do + have correspondents here—but they are all in the divorce courts.” + + CORRESPONDENCE FOR YOUNG LADIES + + There are certain rules in regard to correct letter-writing which + must be followed by all who would “take their pen in hand.” Young + people are the most apt to offend in this respect against the + accepted canons of good taste and it is to these that I would + first address the contents of this chapter. A young girl often + lets her high spirits run away with her _amour propre_, with the + result that her letters, especially those addressed to strangers, + are often lacking in that dignity which is the _sine qua non_ of + correct correspondence. + + Consider, for example, the following two letters composed by Miss + Florence ......, a debutante of New York City, who is writing to + a taxidermist thanking him for his neat work in having recently + stuffed her deceased pet Alice. The first of these letters + illustrates the evil to which I have just referred, viz., the + complete absence of proper dignity. The second, written with the + aid of her mama, whose experience in social affairs has been + considerable, shows the correct method of corresponding with + comparative strangers. + + An Incorrect Letter from a Débutante to a Taxidermist Thanking + Him for Having Stuffed Her Pet Alice + + DEAR MR. Epps: + + Aren’t you an old _peach_ to have gone and stuffed Alice so prettily! + Really, Mr. Epps, I never saw such a knockout piece of taxidermy, + even in Europe, and I simply adore it. Mother gave a dinner party + last night and _everybody_ was just wild about it and wanted to know + who had done it. How on _earth_ did you manage to get the wings to + stay like that? And the eyes are just too priceless for words. + Honestly, every time I look at it, it’s so _darned_ natural that I + can’t believe Alice is really dead. I guess you must be pretty + dog-goned crazy about birds yourself to have done such a lovely job + on Alice, and I guess you know how perfectly sick I was over her + death. Honestly, Mr. Epps, she was such a _peach_ of an owl. But I + suppose it had to be, and anyway, thanks just heaps for having done + such a really perfectly gorgeous bit of taxidermy. + + Gratefully, + FLORENCE CHASE. + _593 Fifth Avenue, + New York City._ + + The above is, you observe, quite lacking in that reserve with + which young ladies should always treat strange gentlemen and + especially those who are not in their own social “set.” Slang may + be excusable in shop girls or baseball players, but never in the + mouth of a young lady with any pretensions to breeding. And the + use of “darned” and “dog-goned” is simply unpardonable. Notice, + now, the way in which Miss Florence writes the letter after, her + mama has given her the proper instruction. + + A Correct Letter from a Débutante to a Taxidermist Thanking Him + for Having Stuffed Her Pet Alice + + Mr. Lloyd Epps, Taxidermist, + New York City. + DEAR SIR: + + It is with sincere pleasure that I take my pen in hand to compliment + you upon the successful manner in which you have rendered your + services as taxidermist upon my late owl Alice. Death in the animal + kingdom is all too often regarded with an unbecoming levity or, at + least, a careless lack of sympathetic appreciation, and it is with + genuine feelings of gratitude that I pen these lines upon the + occasion of the receipt of the sample of the excellent manner in + which you have performed your task. Of the same opinion is my father, + a vice-president of the Guaranty Trust Co., and himself a taxidermist + of no inconsiderable merit, who joins me in expressing to you our + most grateful appreciation. + + Sincerely yours, + FLORENCE ELIOT CHASE. + _December_ 11, 1922. + +[Illustration] + +It Is Not the Custom to Comment on the Quantity of Soup Consumed by a +Guest _The young man is leaving the home of his host in “high dudgeon.” +He is of the type rather slangily known among the members of our +younger set as “finale hopper” which means, in the “King’s English,” +one who is very fond of dancing. His indignation is well founded, since +it is not the custom among members of the socially elite to comment in +the presence of the guest on either the quantity of soup consumed or +the method of consumption adopted. These things should be left for the +privacy of the boudoir or smoking den where they will afford much +innocent amusement. Nor is the host mending matters by his kindly meant +but perhaps tactless offer of a nickel for carfare._ + +[Illustration] + +False Teeth Should Remain in the Mouth throughout any Given Dinner _The +gentleman with the excellent teeth has just been guilty of a gross +social error. Wrongly supposing that the secret of popularity lies in a +helpful spirit and having discovered that the son of his hostess is +about to enter a dental school, he has removed the excellent teeth +(false) from his mouth and passed them around for inspection. The fact +that the teeth are of the latest mode does not in any way condone the +breach. Leniency in such matters is not recommended. “Facilis descensus +Averni” as one of the great poets of the Middle Ages so aptly put it._ + + COLLEGE BOYS + + It is the tendency of the age to excuse many social errors in + young people, and especially is this true of the mischievous + pranks of college boys. If Harvard football heroes and their + “rooters,” for example, wish to let their hair grow long and wear + high turtle-necked red “sweaters,” corduroy trousers and huge + “frat” pins, I, for one, can see no grave objection, for “boys + will be boys” and I am, I hope, no “old fogy” in such matters. + But I also see no reason why these same young fellows should not + be interested in the graces of the salon and the arts of the + drawing-room. Consider, for example, the following two letters, + illustrating the correct and incorrect method in which two young + college men should correspond, and tell me if there is not some + place in our college curriculum for a Professor of Deportment: + + An Incorrect Letter from a Princeton Student to a Yale Student + Congratulating the Latter on His Football Victory + + DEAR MIKE: + Here’s your damn money. I was a fool to give you odds. ED. P. S. What + happened at the Nass? I woke up Sunday with a terrific welt on my + forehead and somebody’s hat with the initials L. G. T., also a Brooks + coat. Do you know whose they are? P. P. S. Please for God’s sake + don’t cash this check until the fifteenth or I’m ruined. + + And here is the way in which I would suggest that this same + letter be indited. + + A Correct Letter from a Princeton Student to a Yale Student + Congratulating the Latter on His Football Victory + + MY DEAR “FRIENDLY ENEMY”: + Well, well, it was a jolly game, wasn’t it, and it was so good to see + you in “Old Nassau.” I am sorry that you could not have come earlier + in the fall, when the trees were still bronze and gold. I also regret + exceedingly that you did not stay over until Sunday, for it would + have been such a treat to have taken you to see the Graduate School + buildings and the Cleveland Memorial Tower. However, “better luck + next time.” + The enclosed check is, as you may well guess, in payment of our wager + on the result of the gridiron-contest. Truly, I am almost glad that I + lost, for I can not but think that gambling in any form is at best an + unprofitable diversion, and this has taught me, I hope, a lesson from + which I may well benefit. Do not think me a “prig,” dear Harry, I beg + of you, for I am sure that you will agree with me that even a + seemingly innocent wager on a football match may lead in later life + to a taste for gambling with dice and cards or even worse. Shall we + not agree to make this our last wager—or at least, next time, let us + not lend it the appearance of professional gambling by giving “odds,” + such as I gave you this year. + You must have thought it frightfully rude of me not to have seen you + to the train after that enjoyable evening at the Nassau Inn, but to + tell you the truth, Harry, the nervous excitement of the day proved + too much for me and I was forced to retire. My indisposition was + further accentuated by a slight mishap which befell me outside the + Inn but which need cause you no alarm as a scalp wound was the only + result and a few days’ rest in my cozy dormitory room will soon set + matters to rights. I trust, however, that you will explain to your + friends the cause of my sudden departure and my seeming + inhospitality. Such jolly fellows they were—and I am only too glad to + find that the “bulldogs” are as thoroughly nice as the chaps we have + down here. Incidentally, I discovered, somewhat to my dismay, as you + may well imagine, that in taking my departure I inadvertently “walked + off” with the hat and overcoat of one of your friends whose initials + are L. G. T. I am mortified beyond words and shall send the garments + to you by the next post with my deepest apologies to the unlucky + owner. + Rest assured, Harry my friend, that I am looking forward to visiting + you some time in the near future, for I have always been curious to + observe the many interesting sights of “Eli land.” Particularly + anxious am I to see the beautiful trees which have given New Haven + its name of “the City of Elms,” and the collection of primitive + paintings for which your college is justly celebrated. And in closing + may I make the slight request that you postpone the cashing of my + enclosed check until the fifteenth of this month, as, due to some + slight misunderstanding, I find that my account is in the unfortunate + condition of being “overdrawn.” + Believe me, Harry, with kindest regards to your nice friends and + yourself and with congratulations on the well deserved victory of + your “eleven,” Your devoted friend and well wisher, EDWARD ELLIS + COCHRAN. + + LETTERS TO PARENTS + + Of course, when young people write to the members of their + immediate family, it is not necessary that they employ such + reserve as in correspondence with friends. The following letter + well illustrates the change in tone which is permissible in such + intimate correspondence: + + A Correct Letter from a Young Lady in Boarding School to Her + Parents + + DEAR MOTHER: + Of course I am terribly glad that you and father are thinking of + coming to visit me here at school next week, but don’t you think it + would be better if, instead of your coming all the way up here, I + should come down and stay with you in New York? The railroad trip up + here will be very hard on you, as the trains are usually late and the + porters and conductors are notorious for their gruffness and it is + awfully hard to get parlor-car seats and you know what sitting in a + day-coach means. I should love to have you come only I wouldn’t want + you or father to get some terrible sickness on the train and last + month there were at least three wrecks on that road, with many + fatalities, and when you get here the accommodations aren’t very good + for outsiders, many of the guests having been severely poisoned only + last year by eating ripe olives and the beds, they say, are extremely + hard. Don’t you really think it would be ever so much nicer if you + and father stayed in some comfortable hotel in New York with all the + conveniences in the world and there are some wonderful things at the + theaters which you really ought to see. I could probably get + permission from Miss Spencer to come and visit you over Saturday and + Sunday if you are stopping at one of the five hotels on her + “permitted” list. + However, if you do decide to come here, perhaps it would be better to + leave father in New York because I know he wouldn’t like it at all + with nothing but women and girls around and I am sure that he + couldn’t get his glass of hot water in the morning before breakfast + and he would have a much better time in New York. But if he does come + please mother don’t let him wear that old gray hat or that brown + suit, and mother couldn’t you get him to get some gloves and a cane + in New York before he comes? And please, mother dear, make him put + those “stogies” of his in an inside pocket and would you mind, + mother, not wearing that brooch father’s employees gave you last + Christmas? + I shall be awfully glad to see you both but as I say it would be + better if you let me come to New York where you and father will be + ever so much more comfortable. Your loving daughter, JEANNETTE. + + LETTERS FROM PARENTS + + THE same familiarity may be observed by parents when + corresponding with their children, with, of course, the addition + of a certain amount of dignity commensurate with the fact that + they are, as it were, _in loco parentis_. The following example + will no doubt be of aid to parents in correctly corresponding + with their children: + + A Correct Letter from a Mother to Her Son Congratulating Him on + His Election to the Presidency of the United States + + DEAR FREDERICK: + I am very glad that you have been elected President of the United + States, Frederick, and I hope that now you will have sense enough to + see Dr. Kincaid about your teeth. It would be well to have him give + you a thorough looking over at this time. And Mrs. Peasely has given + me the name of a splendid throat specialist in New York whom I wish + you would see as soon as possible, for it has been almost a year + since you went to Dr. Ryan. Are you getting good wholesome food? Mrs. + Dennison stopped in this morning and she told me that Washington is + very damp in the spring and I think you had better get a new + overcoat—a heavy warm one. She also told me the name of a place where + you can buy real woolen socks and pajamas. I hope that you aren’t + going to be so foolish as to wear those short B. V. D.’s all winter + because now that you are president you must take care of yourself, + Edward dear. Are you keeping up those exercises in the morning? I + found those dumb-bells of yours in the attic yesterday and will send + them on to you if you wish. And, dear, please keep your throat + covered when you go out—Mrs. Kennedy says that the subways are always + cold and full of draughts. I saw a picture of you at the “movies” the + other evening and you were making a speech in the rain without a hat + or rubbers. Your uncle Frederick was just such a fool as you are + about wearing rubbers and he almost died of pneumonia the winter we + moved to Jefferson Avenue. Be sure and let me know what Dr. Kincaid + says and tell him _everything_. Your _loving_ mother. P. S. What + direction does your window face? + + LETTERS TO PROSPECTIVE FATHERS-IN-LAW + + A young man desiring to marry a young girl does not, in polite + society, “pop the question” to her by mail, unless she happens, + at the time, to be out of the city or otherwise unable to + “receive.” It is often advisable, however, after she has said + “yes,” to write a letter to her father instead of calling on him + to ask for his permission to the match, as a personal interview + is often apt to result unsatisfactorily. In writing these letters + to prospective fathers-in-law, the cardinal point is, of course, + the creation by the young man of a good impression in the mind of + the father, and for this purpose he should study to make his + letter one which will appeal irresistibly to the older + gentleman’s habits and tastes. + + Thus, in writing to a father who is above everything else a + “business man,” the following form is suggested: + + A Correct Letter to a Prospective Father-in-Law Who Is a Business + Man + + My letter, 10-6-22 Your letter, In + reply please refer to: ———— + File—Love—personal— N. Y.—1922 No. G, + 16 19 Mr. Harrison Williams, Vice-Pres. + Kinnear-Williams Mfg. Co., Buffalo, N. + Y. + DEAR SIR: + Confirming verbal message of even date re: being in love with your + daughter, this is to advise that I am in love with your daughter. Any + favorable action which you would care to take in this matter would be + greatly appreciated. Yours truly, EDWARD FISH. Copy to your Daughter + per E. F. “ “ “ Wife EF/F + + Or, should the girl’s father be prominent in the advertising + business, the following would probably create a favorable + impression, especially if printed on a blotter or other useful + article: + + A Correct Letter to a Prospective Father-in-Law Who Is in the + Advertising Business + + JUST A MOMENT! + Have you ever stopped to consider the problem of grandchildren? + Do you know, for example, that ONLY 58% of the fathers in America are + GRANDFATHERS? + Did it ever occur to you that only 39% of the grandfathers in America + EVER HAVE GRANDCHILDREN? + Honestly, now, don’t there come moments, after the day’s work is done + and you are sitting in your slippers before the fire, when you would + give any thing in the world for a soft little voice to call you + GRANDPA? + _Be fair to your daughter Give her a College educated husband!_ + COMPLIMENTS OF EDWARD FISH + + Perhaps, if the old gentleman is employed in the Credit + Department of Brooks Brothers, Frank Brothers, or any one of the + better class stores, the following might prove effective: + + A Correct Letter to a Prospective Father-in-Law Who Is Employed + in a Credit Department + + MY DEAR MR. ROBERTS: 10-6-22 + I am writing you in regard to a little matter of matrimony which no + doubt you have overlooked in the press of business elsewhere. This is + not to be considered as a “dun” but merely as a gentle reminder of + the fact that it would be extremely agreeable if you could see fit to + let me marry your daughter before the first of next month. I feel + sure that you will give this matter your immediate attention. Yours + truly, ED. FISH. + 11-2-22 DEAR MR. ROBERTS: + As you have not as yet replied to my communication of 10-6-22 + regarding marriage to your daughter, I presume that you were not at + the time disposed to take care of the matter to which I referred. I + feel sure that upon consideration you will agree that my terms are + exceedingly liberal and I must therefore request that you let me have + some word from you before the first of next month. Yours truly, + EDWARD FISH. + (Registered Mail) 12-2-22 DEAR SIR: + You have not as yet replied to my communication of 10-6-22 and + 11-2-22. I should regret exceedingly being forced to place this + matter in the hands of my attorneys, Messrs. Goldstein and + Nusselmann, 41 City Nat’l Bank Bldg. E. FISH. + + Of course, it would never do to carry this series to its + conclusion and if no reply is received to this last letter it + might be well to call on the gentleman in his place of + business—or, possibly, it might even be better to call off the + engagement. “None but the brave deserve the fair”—but there is + also a line in one of Byron’s poems which goes, I believe, “Here + sleep the brave.” + + LOVE LETTERS + + A young man corresponding with his fiancée is never, of course, + as formal as in his letters to other people. This does not mean, + however, that his correspondence should be full of silly + meaningless “nothings.” On the contrary, he should aim to + instruct and benefit his future spouse as well as convey to her + his tokens of affection. The following letter well illustrates + the manner in which a young man may write his fiancée a letter + which, while it is replete with proper expressions of amatory + good will, yet manages to embody a fund of sensible and useful + information: + + A Correct Letter from a Young Man Traveling in Europe to His + Fiancée + + MY DEAREST EDITH: + How I long to see you—to hold tight your hand—to look into your eyes. + But alas! you are in Toledo and I am in Paris, which, as you know, is + situated on the Seine River near the middle of the so-called Paris + basin at a height above sea-level varying from 85 feet to 419 feet + and extending 7 1/2 miles from W. to E. and 5 1/2 miles from N. to S. + But, dearest, I carry your image with me in my heart wherever I go in + this vast city with its population (1921) of 2,856,986 and its + average mean rainfall Of 2.6 inches, and I wish—oh, how I wish—that + you might be here with me. Yesterday, for example, I went to the Père + Lachaise cemetery which is the largest (106 acres) and most + fashionable cemetery in Paris, its 90,148 (est.) tombs forming a + veritable open-air sculpture gallery. And what do you think I found + there which made me think of you more than ever? Not the tombs of La + Fontaine (d. 1695) and Molière (d. 1673) whose remains, transferred + to this cemetery in 1804, constituted the first interments—not the + last resting place of Rosa Bonheur (d. 1899) or the victims of the + Opéra Comique fire (1887)—no, dearest, it was the tomb of Abelard and + Heloïse, those late 11th early 12th century lovers, and you may well + imagine what thoughts, centering upon a young lady whose first name + begins with E, filled my heart as I gazed at this impressive tomb, + the canopy of which is composed of sculptured fragments collected by + Lenoir from the Abbey of Nogent-sur-Seine (Aube). + Edith dearest, I am sitting in my room gazing first at your dear + picture and then out of my window at the Eiffel Tower which is the + tallest structure in the world, being 984 feet high (Woolworth + Building 750 feet, Washington Obelisk 555 feet, Great Pyramid 450 + feet). And although it may sound too romantic, yet it seems to me, + dearest, that our love is as strong and as sturdy as this masterpiece + of engineering construction which weighs 7,000 tons, being composed + of 12,000 pieces of metal fastened by 2,500,000 iron rivets. + Farewell, my dearest one—I must go now to visit the Catacombs, a huge + charnelhouse which is said to contain the remains of nearly three + million persons, consisting of a labyrinth of galleries lined with + bones and rows of skulls through which visitors are escorted on the + first and third Saturday of each month at 2 P. M. I long to hold you + in my arms. Devotedly, PAUL. + + CORRESPONDENCE OF PUBLIC OFFICIALS + + Congressmen and other public officials are as a rule more careful + correspondents than are men whose letters are never to be seen by + the public at large. There is a certain well-defined form for a + letter meant for public consumption which distinguishes it from + correspondence of a more private nature. Thus a Congressman, + writing a “public letter,” would cast it in the following form: + + A Correct “Public Letter” from a Congressman + + Mr. Ellison Lothrop, Vice-Pres. Washington Co.. “Better Citizenship” + League, + MY DEAR MR. LOTHROP: + You have requested that I give to the Washington County Better + Citizenship League, of which you are an active vice-president, some + expression of my views upon the question of Prohibition. + Sir, can there be any doubt as to the belief of every right thinking + American citizen in this matter? The Eighteenth Amendment is here and + here, thank God, to stay! The great benefit which Prohibition has + done to the poor and the working classes is reason enough for its + continued existence. It is for the manufacturers, the professional + class, the capitalists to give up gladly whatever small pleasure they + may have derived from the use of alcohol, in order that John Jones, + workingman, may have money in the bank and a happy home, instead of + his Saturday night debauch. In every democracy the few sacrifice for + the many—“the greatest good of the greatest number” is the slogan. + And I, for one, am proud to have been a member of that legislative + body which passed so truly God-bidden and democratic an act as the + Eighteenth Amendment. + I beg to remain, with best wishes to your great organization, + Sincerely yours, WALTER G. TOWNSLEY. + + A Correct Private Letter of a Congressman + + DEAR BOB: + Tell that fellow on Mulberry Street that I will pay $135 a case for + Scotch and $90 for gin _delivered_ and not a cent more. W. G. T. + +[Illustration] + +Vision and Ingenuity in Courtship _The problem of an introduction when +there is no mutual acquaintance is sometimes perplexing. But the young +man, having had the good taste to purchase a copy of_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR, +_is having no difficulty. He has fastened a rope across the sidewalk in +front of the lady’s house and, with the aid of a match and some +kerosene, has set fire to the house. Driven by the heat, the young lady +will eventually emerge and in her haste will fall over the rope. To a +gentleman of gallantry and ingenuity the rest should be comparatively +simple._ + +[Illustration] + +“Say It with Flowers” _A knowledge of the language of flowers is +essential to a successful courtship and may avoid much unnecessary +pain. With the best intentions in the world the young man is about to +present the young lady with a flower of whose meaning he is in total +ignorance. The young lady, being a faithful student of_ PERFECT +BEHAVIOR, _knows its exact meaning and it will be perfectly correct for +her to turn and, with a frigid bow, break the pot over the young man’s +head. Alas, how differently this romance might have ended if the +so-called “friends” of the young man had tactfully but firmly pointed +out to him the value of a book on etiquette such as_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR. + + LETTERS TO NEWSPAPERS, MAGAZINES, ETC. + + Another type of public correspondence is the letter which is + intended for publication in some periodical. This is usually + written by elderly gentlemen with whiskers and should be cast in + the following form: + + A Correct Letter from an Elderly Gentleman to the Editor of a + Newspaper or Magazine + + To the Editor: SIR: + On February next, _Deo volente_, I shall have been a constant reader + of your worthy publication for forty-one years. I feel, sir, that + that record gives me the right _ipso facto_ to offer my humble + criticism of a statement made in your November number by that worthy + critic of the drama, Mr. Heywood Broun. _Humanum est errare_, and I + am sure that Mr. Broun (with whom I have unfortunately not the honour + of an acquaintance) will forgive me for calling his attention to what + is indeed a serious, and I might say, unbelievable, misstatement. In + my younger days, now long past, it was not considered _infra dig_ for + a critic to reply to such letters as this, and I hope that Mr. Broun + will deem this epistle worthy of consideration, and recognize the + justice of my complaint. + I remember well a controversy that raged between critic and public + for many weeks in the days when Joe Jefferson was playing Rip Van + Winkle. Ah, sir, do you remember (but, of course, you don’t) that + entrance of Joe in the first act with his dog Schneider? That was not + my first play by many years, but I believe that it is still my + favorite. I think the first time I ever attended a dramatic + performance was in the winter of ’68 when I was a student at Harvard + College. Five of us freshmen went into the old Boston Museum to see + _Our American Cousin_. Joe Chappell was with us that night and the + two Dawes boys and, I think, Elmer Mitchell. One of the Dawes twins + was, I believe, afterwards prominent in the Hayes administration. + There were many men besides Will Dawes in that Harvard class who were + heard from in later years. Ed Twitchell for one, and “Sam” Caldwell, + who was one of the nominees for vice president in ’92. I sat next to + Sam in “Bull” Warren’s Greek class. _There_ was one of the finest + scholars this country has ever produced—a stern taskmaster, and a + thorough gentleman. It would be well for this younger generation if + they could spend a few hours in that old classroom, with “Bull” + pacing up and down the aisle and all of us trembling in our shoes. + But _Delenda est Carthago—fuit Ilium—Requiescat in pace_. I last saw + “Bull” at our fifteenth reunion and we were all just as afraid of him + as in the old days at Hollis. + But I digress. _Tempus fugit_,—which reminds me of a story “Billy” + Hallowell once told at a meeting of the American Bar Association in + Minneapolis, in 1906. Hallowell was perhaps the most brilliant + after-dinner speaker I have ever heard—with the possible exception of + W. D. Evarts. I shall never forget the speech that Evarts made during + the second Blaine campaign. + But I digress. Your critic, Mr. Heywood Broun, says on page 33 of the + November issue of your worthy magazine that _The Easiest Way_ is the + father of all modern American tragedy. Sir, does Mr. Broun forget + that there once lived a man named William Shakespeare? Is it possible + to overlook such immortal tragedies as _Hamlet_ and _Othello?_ I + think not. _Fiat justitia, ruat cœlum._ Sincerely, SHERWIN G. + COLLINS. + + A Correct Letter from an Indignant Father to an Editor of Low + Ideals + + To the Editor: Sir: + I have a son—a little fourteen-year-old boy who proudly bears my + name. This lad I have brought up with the greatest care. I have + spared no pains to make him an upright, moral, God-fearing youth. + I had succeeded, I thought, in inculcating in him all those worthy + principles for which our Puritan fathers fought and—aye—died. I do + not believe that there existed in our neighborhood a more virtuous, + more righteous boy. + From his earliest childhood until now Mrs. Pringle and I have kept + him carefully free from any suggestion of evil. We have put in his + hands only the best and purest of books; we have not allowed him to + attend any motion picture performances other than the yearly visit of + the Burton Holmes travelogues, and, last year, a film called _Snow + White and Rose Red;_ we have forbidden him to enter a theater. Roland + (for that is his name) has never in his life exhibited any interest + in what is known as sex. + Sir, you may imagine my chagrin when my Roland—my boy who, for + fourteen years, I have carefully shielded from sin—rushed in last + night to where Mrs. Pringle and I were enjoying our evening game of + Bézique, bearing in his hand a copy of your magazine which, I + presume, he had picked up at some so-called friend’s house. “Papa, + look,” said my boy to me, pointing to the cover of the magazine. + “What are these?” + Sir, I looked. Mrs. Pringle gave a shriek, and well may she have. My + boy was pointing to a cover on which was what is called—in barroom + parlance—a “nude.” And not _one_ nude but _twelve!_ + Sir, you have destroyed the parental labors of fourteen years. I + trust you are satisfied. Yours, etc., EVERETT G. PRINGLE. + + A Letter from a Member of the Lower Classes. Particular pains + should be taken in answering such letters as it should always be + our aim to lend a hand to those aspiring toward better things. + + To the Editor: Dear Sir: + I am a motorman on the Third Ave. South Ferry local, and the other + day one of the passengers left a copy of your magazine on my car and + I want to ask you something which maybe you can tell me and anyway it + don’t do no harm to ask what I want to know is will it be O. K to + wear a white vest with a dinner coat this coming winter and what + color socks I enclose stamps for reply. Yrs. ED. WALSH. + + A Correct Letter to the Lost and Found Department of a + Periodical, inquiring for a Missing Relative. This should be + referred to the persons mentioned in the letter who will probably + take prompt and vigorous action. + + Literary Editors: Dear Sirs: + I have been very much interested in the clever work of Nancy and + Ernest Boyd which has been appearing in your magazine, and I wonder + if you could take the time to give me a little piece of information + about them. You see there was a Nancy Boyd (her mother was Nancy + Kroomen of Beaver Dam) and her bro. Ernest, who was neighbors to us + for several years, and when they moved I sort of lost track of them. + You know how those things are. But it’s a small world after all, + isn’t it? and I shouldn’t be at all surprised if this was the same + party and, if it is, will you say hello to Nancy for me, and tell + Ernest that Ed. Gold still comes down from Akron to see E. W. every + Saturday. He’ll know who I mean. Ever sincerely, MAY WINTERS. + + LETTERS TO STRANGERS + + In writing to a person with whom you have only a slight + acquaintance, it is a sign of proper breeding to attempt to show + the stranger that you are interested in the things in which he is + interested. Thus, for example, if you were to write a letter to a + Frenchman who was visiting your city for the first time, you + would endeavor, as in the following example, to speak to him in + his own idiom and put him at his ease by referring to the things + with which he is undoubtedly familiar. It is only a “boor” who + seeks to impose his own hobbies and interests upon a stranger, + disregarding entirely the presumable likes and dislikes of the + latter. + + A CORRECT LETTER TO A FRENCH VISITOR + + Monsieur Jules La Chaise, Hotel Enterprise, City. + MONSIEUR: + I hope that you have had a _bon voyage_ on your trip from _la belle + France_, and my wife and I are looking forward to welcoming you to + our city. Although I cannot say, as your great king Louis XV. so + justly remarked, “_L’etat, c’est moi_,” yet I believe that I can + entertain you _comme il faut_ during your stay here. But all _bon + mots_ aside, would you care to join us this afternoon in a ride + around the city? If you say the word, _voila!_ we shall be at your + hotel in our automobile and I think that you will find here much that + is interesting to a native of Lafayette’s great country and + especially to a citizen of Paris. Did you know, for example, that + this city manufactures 38% of the toilet soap and perfumery _je ne + sais quoi_ which are used in this state? Of course, our sewers are + not to be compared to yours, _mon Dieu_, but we have recently + completed a pumping station on the outskirts of the city which I + think might almost be denominated an _objet d’art_. + I am enclosing a visitor’s card to the City Club here, which I wish + you would use during your stay. I am sure that you will find there + several _bon vivants_ who will be glad to join you in a game of + _vingt et un_, and in the large room on the second floor is a + victrola with splendid instrumental and vocal records of “La + Marseillaise.” + _Au revoir_ until I see you this afternoon. Robert C. Crocker. + + And above all, in writing to strangers or comparative strangers, + seek to avoid the mention of subjects which might be distasteful + to the recipient of the letter. Many a friendship has been + utterly ruined because one of the parties, in her correspondence + or conversation, carelessly referred to some matter—perhaps some + physical peculiarity—upon which the other was extremely + sensitive. The following letter well illustrates how the use of a + little tact may go “a long way.” + + A CORRECT LETTER TO A BEARDED LADY + + My dear Mrs. Lenox: + I wonder if you would care to go with us to the opera Wednesday + evening? The Cromwells have offered us their box for that night, + which accounts for our selection of that particular evening. “Beggars + cannot be choosers,” and while personally we would all rather go on + some other night, yet it is perhaps best that we do not refuse the + Cromwells’ generous offer. Then, too, Wednesday is really the only + evening that my husband and I are free to go, for the children take + so much of our time on other nights. I do hope, therefore, that you + can go with us Wednesday to hear “The Barber of Seville.” Sincerely, + Esther G. (Mrs. Thomas D.) Franklin. + + INVITATIONS + + The form of the invitation depends a great deal upon the + character of the function to which one wishes to invite the + guests to whom one issues the invitation. Or, to put it more + simply, invitations differ according to the nature of the party + to which one invites the guests. In other words, when issuing + invitations to invited guests one must have due regard for the + fact that these invitations vary with the various types of + entertainments for which one issues the invitations. That is to + say, one would obviously not send out the same form of invitation + to a wedding as to a dinner party, and vice versa. This is an + iron-clad rule in polite society. + + For example, a gentleman and lady named Mr. and Mrs. Weems, + respectively, living at 1063 Railroad Ave., wishing to invite a + gentleman named Mr. Cleek to dinner, would send him the following + engraved invitation: + + MR. AND MRS. LIONEL THONG WEEMS + _request the pleasure of_ + MR. WALLACE TILFORD CLEEK’S + _company at dinner + on Tuesday January the tenth + at half after seven o’clock_ + 1063 Railroad Avenue. + + This invitation would of course be worded differently for + different circumstances, such as, for example, if the name of the + people giving the party wasn’t Weems or if they didn’t live at + 1063 Railroad Ave., or if they didn’t have any intention of + giving a dinner party on that particular evening. + + Many prospective hostesses prefer to send written notes instead + of the engraved invitation, especially if the dinner is to be + fairly informal. This sort of invitation should, however, be + extremely simple. I think that most well-informed hostesses would + agree that the following is too verbose: + + DEAR MR. BURPEE. + It would give us great pleasure if you would dine with us on Monday + next at seven-thirty. By the way, did you know that Mr. Sheldon died + yesterday of pneumonia? Cordially, ESTELLE G. BESSERABO. + + For receptions in honor of noted guests, word the invitation in + this manner: + + MR. AND MRS. CORNELIUS VANDERBILT + _request the pleasure of your company + on Friday evening February sixth + from nine to twelve_ + AT DELMONICO’S + to meet Asst. Fire-Chief CHARLEY SCHMIDT and + Mrs. SCHMIDT + + Invitations to graduating exercises are worded thus: + + THE SENIOR CLASS + of the + SOUTH ROCHESTER FEMALE DENTAL INSTITUTE + requests the honor of your presence at the + Commencement Exercises + _on Tuesday evening, June the fifth + at eight o’clock_ + MASONIC OPERA HOUSE + _“That Six” Orchestra._ + + ACCEPTANCES AND REGRETS + + Responses to invitations usually take the form of “acceptances” + or “regrets.” It is never correct, for example, to write the + following sort of note: + + DEAR MRS. CRONICK: + Your invitation for the 12th inst. received and in reply would advise + that I am not at the present time in a position to signify whether or + not I can accept. Could you at your convenience furnish me with + additional particulars re the proposed affair—number of guests, + character of refreshments, size of orchestra, etc.? Awaiting an early + reply, I am, Yours truly, ALFRED CASS NAPE. + + If one wishes to attend the party, one “accepts” on a clean sheet + of note-paper with black ink from a “fountain” pen or inkwell. A + hostess should not, however, make the mistake of thinking that a + large number of “acceptances” implies that anybody really wishes + to attend her party. + + The following is a standard form of acceptance: + + Dr. Tanner accepts with pleasure the kind invitation of Mrs. + Frederick Cummings Bussey for Thursday evening, December twelfth, at + half after eight. + + This note need not be signed. The following “acceptance” is + decidedly demode: + + DEAR MRS. ASTOR: + Will I be at your ball? Say, can a duck swim? Count on me sure. + FRED. + + It is also incorrect and somewhat boorish to write “accepted” + across the face of the invitation and return it signed to the + hostess. + + If one does not care to attend the party, one often sends one’s + “regrets” although one just as often sends one’s “acceptances,” + depending largely upon the social position of one’s hostess. The + proper form of “regret” is generally as follows: + + Alice Ben Bolt regrets that she will be unable to accept the kind + invitation of Major General and Mrs. Hannafield for Wednesday evening + at half after eight. + + Sometimes it is better to explain in some manner the cause of the + “regret,” as for example: + + Alice Ben Bolt regrets that, owing to an ulcerated tooth in the left + side of her mouth, and severe neuralgic pains all up and down her + left side, she will be unable to accept the kind invitation of Major + General and Mrs. Hannafield for Wednesday evening at half after + eight, at “The Bananas.” + + This is not, however, always necessary. + +[Illustration] + +Etiquette without Tears, Mother’s Artful Aid _This is an admirable +picture with which to test the “kiddies’” knowledge of good manners at +a dinner table. It will also keep them occupied as a puzzle picture +since the “faux pas” illustrated herewith will probably not be apparent +to the little ones except after careful examination. If, however, they +have been conscientiously trained it will not be long, before the +brighter ones discover that the spoon has been incorrectly left +standing in the cup, that the coffee is being served from the right +instead of the left side, and that the lettering of the motto on the +wall too nearly resembles the German style to be quite “au fait” in the +home of any red-blooded American citizen._ + +[Illustration] + +Illustrating the Inestimable Value of Stewart’s Lightning Calculation +_Dessert has been reached and the gentleman in the picture is +perspiring freely—in itself a deplorable breach of etiquette. He has +been attempting all evening to engage the ladies on either side of him +in conversation on babies, Camp’s Reducing Exercises, politics, Camp’s +Developing Exercises, music or Charlie Chaplin, only to be rebuffed by +a haughty chin on the one hand and a cold shoulder on the other. If he +had taken the precaution to consult Stewart’s Lightning Calculator of +Dinner Table Conversation (one of the many aids to social success to be +found in_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR) _he would have realized the bad taste +characterizing his choice of topics and would not have made himself a +marked figure at this well-appointed dinner table._ + + + + +CHAPTER NINE: THE ETIQUETTE OF DINNERS AND BALLS + + + FORMAL DINNERS IN AMERICA + + Eating is an extremely old custom and has been practiced by the + better classes of society almost without interruption from + earliest times. And “society,” like the potentate of the parable + whose touch transformed every object into gold, has embellished + and adorned the all-too-common habit of eating, until there has + been evolved throughout the ages that most charming and exquisite + product of human culture—the formal dinner party. The gentleman + of today who delightedly dons his dress suit and escorts into a + ten-course dinner some lady mountain climber or other celebrity, + is probably little aware of what he owes to his forefathers for + having so painstakingly devised for him such a pleasant method of + spending his time. + + But “before one runs, one must learn to walk”—and the joys of the + dinner-party are not to be partaken of without a long preliminary + course of training, as many a young man has learned to his sorrow + when he discovered that his inelegant use of knife and fork was + causing humorous comment up and down the “board” and was drawing + upon himself the haughty glances of an outraged hostess. The + first requisite of success in dining out is the possession of a + complete set of correct table manners—and these, like anything + worth while, can be achieved only by patient study and daily + practise. + + TABLE MANNERS FOR CHILDREN + + AS a matter of fact, it is never too early to begin to acquire + the technique of correct eating, and the nursery is the best + possible place for the first lessons in dining-room behavior. + Children should be taught at an early age the fundamentals of + “table” manners in such a way that by the time they have reached + the years of manhood the correct use of knife, fork, spoon and + fingerbowl is to them almost second nature. But the parents + should remember, above everything else, to instruct their + children in such a way that the pupil takes pleasure in his + lessons. This is the method which is employed today in every + successful school or “kindergarten”; this is the method which + really produces satisfactory results. + + Thus, for example, if you are a father and your boy Edward + persists in bringing his pet tadpole to the table in a glass jar, + you should not punish or scold him; a much more effective and + graphic method of correcting this habit would be for you to + suddenly pick up the tadpole one day at luncheon and swallow it. + No whipping or scolding would so impress upon the growing boy the + importance of the fact that the dinner table is not the place for + pets. + + Another effective way of teaching table manners to children + consists in making up attractive games about the various lessons + to be learned. Thus, whenever you have guests for dinner, the + children can play “Boner” which consists in watching the visitor + closely all during the meal in order to catch him in any + irregularity in table etiquette. As soon as the guest has + committed a mistake, the first Child to discover it points his + finger at him and shouts, “Pulled a Boner, Pulled a Boner!” and + the boy or girl who discovers the greatest number of “Boners” + during the evening is rewarded with a prize, based on the + following table of points: + + If the guest has dirty hands, 5 points. + If the guest uses wrong fork or spoon, 5 points. + If the guest chokes on bone, 8 points. + If the guest blows on soup, 5 points. + If the guest drops fork or spoon, 3 points. + If the guest spills soup on table, 10 points. + If the guest spills soup on self, 1 point. + + Of course it is often well to tell the guests about the game in + advance in order that they may not feel embarrassed but will + enter thoroughly into the spirit of this helpful sport. + + A CHILD’S GARDEN OF ETIQUETTE + + Children can also acquire knowledge more easily if it is imparted + to them in the form of verse or easy rhymes, and many valuable + facts about the dinner table can be embodied in children’s + verses. A few of these which I can remember from my own happy + childhood are as follows: + + Oh, wouldn’t it be jolly + To be a nice _hors d’œuvre_ + And just bring joy to people + Whom fondest you were of. + + Soup is eaten with a spoon + But not to any haunting tune. + + Oysters live down in the sea + In zones both temp. and torrid, + And when they are good they are very good indeed, + And when they are bad they are horrid. + + My papa makes a lovely Bronx + With gin so rare and old, + And two of them will set you right + But four will knock you cold. + + The boys with Polly will not frolic + Because she’s eaten too much garlic. + Mama said the other day, + “A little goes a long, long way.” + + A wind came up out of the sea + And said, “Those dams are not for me.” + + Uncle Frank choked on a bone + From eating shad _au gratin_ + Aunt Ethel said it served him right + And went back to her flat in + NEWARK (spoken) + Poor Uncle Frank! (chanted) + + I love my little finger bowl + So full of late filet of sole. + + Cousin George at lunch one day + Remarked, “That apple looks quite tasty. + Now George a dentist’s bill must pay + Because he was so very hasty. + The proverb’s teachings we must hold + “All that glitters is not gold.” + And mama said to George, “Oh, shoot, + You’ve gone and ruined my glass fruit.” + + Jim broke bread into his soup, + Jim knocked Mrs. Vanderbilt for a loop. + Kate drank from her finger bowl, + Kate knocked Mrs. Vanderbilt for a goal. + Children who perform such tricks + Are socially in Class G-6. + + ETIQUETTE IN THE SCHOOL + + Of course, as the children become older, the instruction should + gradually come to embrace all forms of correct behaviour, and the + youthful games and rhymes should give way to the more complex and + intricate problems of mature social etiquette. It is suggested + that the teachings during this period may be successfully + combined with the young gentleman’s or lady’s other schoolroom + studies; in the case of mathematics, for example, the instruction + might be handled in somewhat the following manner: + + _A Problem in Mathematics (7th grade)_ + + _A swimmer starts across a stream which is 450 yards wide. He + swims for five minutes at the rate of three miles per hour, and + for three minutes at the rate of four miles per hour. He then + reaches the other bank, where he sees a young lady five feet ten + inches tall, walking around a tree, in a circle the circumference + of which is forty-two yards._ + + _A. What is the diameter of the circle? + B. How fast is the current flowing in the stream? + C. At what point would the swimmer land if there were no current + in the stream? + D. At what point does the swimmer actually land? + E. But suppose that he has no bathing suit on?_ + + And so, when the young person has reached the age for his first + formal dinner party, he will undoubtedly be able to handle the + fundamentals of correct etiquette in a satisfactory manner. But, + as in every sport or profession, there are certain + refinements—certain niceties which come only after long + experience—and it is with a view of helping the ambitious + diner-out to master these more complex details, that I suggest + that he study carefully the following “unwritten laws” which + govern every dinner party. + + In the first place, a guest is supposed tacitly to consent to the + menu which the hostess has arranged, and the diner-out who makes + a habit of saying “Squab, you know, never agrees with me—I wonder + if I might have a couple of poached eggs,” is apt to find that + such squeamishness does not pay in the long run. + + Practical jokes are never countenanced at a formal affair of this + sort. I do not mean that a certain amount of good-natured fun is + out of place, but such “stunts” as pulling the hostess’ chair out + from under her—or gleefully kicking the shins of your neighbor + under the table and shouting “Guess who?”—are decidedly among the + “non-ests” of correct modern dinner-table behaviour. + + Then, too, it is now distinctly bad form to practise legerdemain + or feats of sleight-of-hand at a dinner party. Time was when it + was considered correct for a young man who could do card or other + tricks to add to the gayety of the party by displaying his skill, + but that time is past, and the guest of today, who thinks to make + a “hit” by pulling a live rabbit or a potted plant from the back + of the mystified hostess or one of the butlers, is in reality + only making a “fool” of himself if he only knew it. The same + “taboo” also holds good as concerns feats of juggling and no + hostess of today will, I am sure, ever issue a second invitation + to a young man who has attempted to enliven her evening by + balancing, on his nose, a knife, a radish, a plate of soup and a + lighted candle. “Cleverness” is a valuable asset but only up to a + certain point, and I know of one unfortunately “clever” young + chap who almost completely ruined a promising social career by + the unexpected failure of one of his pet juggling tricks and the + consequent dumping of a large dish of mashed potatoes on the head + of a vice-president of the Equitable Trust Company. Besides, + people almost always distrust “clever” persons. + + It does not “do,” either, to “ride your hobby” at a dinner party, + and the real truth as to the cause of the sudden social ostracism + of young Freddie H——, a New York clubman of some years ago (now + happily deceased), is that on one occasion this young fellow, who + had developed a craze for marksmanship amounting almost to a + mania, very nearly ruined a dinner party given by a prominent + Boston society matron by attempting to shoot the whiskers off a + certain elderly gentleman, who happened to be a direct descendant + of John Smith and Priscilla Alden. + + It might also be remarked that the possession of certain physical + gifts—such as the ability to wriggle one’s ears or do the + “splits”—is in itself no “open sesame” to lasting social success. + “Slow and sure” is a good rule for the young man to follow, and + although he may somewhat enviously watch his more brilliant + colleagues as they gain momentary applause by their ability to + throw their thumbs out of joint or squirt water through a hole in + their front teeth, yet he may console himself with the thought + that “the race is not always to the swift” and that “Rome was not + built in a day.” The gifts of this world have been distributed + fairly equally, and you may be sure that the young girl who has + been born a ventriloquist very likely is totally unable to spell + difficult words correctly or carry even a simple tune. + Ventriloquism, by the way, is also passing out as a form of + dinner party diversion, and it is no longer considered a + priceless accomplishment to be able to make a dog bark or a baby + cry under the hostess’s chair. + + CONVERSATION AT DINNER + + Gradually, however, conversation—real conversation—is coming into + its own as the favorite pastime of dinner guests, and the young + man or lady who can keep the conversational “ball” rolling is + coming more and more into demand. Good conversationalists are, I + fear, born and not made—but by study and practise any ambitious + young man can probably acquire the technique, and, with time, + mould himself into the kind of person upon whom hostesses depend + for the success of their party. As an aid in this direction I + have prepared the following chart which I would advise all my + readers to cut out and paste in some convenient place so that at + their next dinner party it can be readily consulted. + + STEWART’S LIGHTNING CALCULATOR OF DINNER TABLE CONVERSATION + + This chart divides the dinner into its various courses, and under + each course is given what I call an “opening sentence,” together + with your partner’s probable reply and the topic which is then + introduced for discussion. And, most valuable of all, under each + such topic I have listed certain helpful facts which will enable + you to prolong the conversation along those lines until the + arrival of the next course, and the consequent opening of another + field for discussion. The chart follows: + + I. _Cocktails._ + + You say to the partner on your right: “What terrible gin!” She + (he) replies: “Perfectly ghastly.” This leads to a discussion of: + Some Aspects of Alcohol. Helpful Facts: + + 1. An oyster soaked in alcohol becomes quite rigid in eleven + minutes. + + 2. Senator Volstead was born Sept. 4, 1869. + + 3. Alcohol, if taken in too great quantities, often produces + internal disorders. + + II. _Oysters._ + + You say to the partner on your right: “Think of being an oyster!” + + She (he) replies: “How perfectly ghastly.” + + This leads to a discussion of: Home Life of Oysters. + + Helpful Facts: + + 1. The average life of an oyster is 38 days, 11 hours. + + 2. Polygamy is practised among certain classes of oysters. + + 3. The first oyster was eaten by Ossip Gatch, a Pole (d. 1783). + + III. _Fish._ + + You say to the partner at your right: “Do you enjoy fish?” + + She (he) replies: “I simply adore fish.” + + This leads to a discussion of: Fish—Then, and Now. + + Helpful Facts: + + 1. Fish make notoriously bad pets, whereas seals can be taught to + do many novel tricks. + + 2. Gloucester (Mass.) smells badly in summer. + + 3. Gloucester (Mass.) smells badly in winter. + + IV. _Meat._ + + You say to the partner at your right: “Have you ever been through + the Stock-Yards?” + + She (he) replies: “No.” (“Yes.”) + + This leads to a discussion of: “The Meat Industry in America.” + + Helpful Facts: + + 1. Every time a street car goes over the Brooklyn Bridge, a steer + is killed in Chicago—and oftener. + + 2. Raw beefsteak in quantities is harmful to children under two + years of age. + + 3. A man died recently in Topeka, Kansas, weighing 312 pounds. + + 4. Many prominent people live on the North Side of Chicago. + + V. _Salad._ + + You say to the partner at your right: “What is your favorite + salad?” + + She (he) replies: “I don’t know, what’s yours?” + + This leads to a discussion of: Favorite Things. + + Helpful Facts: + + 1. Richard Barthelmess is married. + + 2. B. V. D. stands for “Best Value Delivered.” + + 3. Amy Lowell is fond of cigars. + + _VI. Dessert._ + + You say to the partner at your right: “I love ice cream.” + + She (he) replies: “So do I.” + + This leads to a discussion of: Love. + + Helpful Facts: + + 1. New York is the hardest state in which to get a divorce in + America. + + 2. Dr. Sigmund Freud is now living in Vienna, Austria. + + 3. D. H. Lawrence has a black beard. + + BALLS AND DANCES + + In order to succeed in the modern ballroom, and especially in the + ballrooms of our exclusive country clubs, a young gentleman or + lady of fashion must today be possessed of the following two + requisites: i. A “Line.” 2. A closed car. The latter of these + “sine qua nons” is now owned as a matter of course by most + families and is no longer regarded as a mark of distinction. The + former requisite, however, is not so common, but it is + nevertheless true that any young person with ambition and a good + memory can eventually acquire a quite effective “Line.” It is a + great aid in this direction if one happens to have spent a year + or more at one of our leading eastern universities or “finishing + schools.” These vary, of course, in degree of excellence, but it + does not pay to be dogmatic on this subject, and to those who + would insist that the Princeton “Line” is more effective than the + Harvard ditto, or that the Westover “Line” flows more smoothly + than that of Farmington or Spence, one can only say “De gustibus + non disputandum est.” “Lines” vary also in accordance with the + different types of girls who happen to be using them, and (to + misquote a rather vulgar proverb) “What is one girl’s food may be + another girl’s poison.” Thus it happens that the “Line” which is + most universally and interminably employed by the “beautiful” + type of girl (consisting, in its entirety, of the three words + “How perfectly priceless”) would never in the world do for the + young miss whose chief asset is a kind heart or a love for really + good books. + +[Illustration] + +A Word of Warning and Encouragement _The above diagram (one of man), +filling the instructive and refined pages of_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR, _will +serve as a model to any debutante or dancing man who seriously sets out +to achieve social eminence. It is only fair to warn aspirants that +rigid adherence to the formula is essential and that any slight +slackening of the pace is likely to prove fatal. On the other hand, we +confidently guarantee complete success to those who, in reverence and +faith, keep the final goal always in sight. His (or hers) be it to keep +the sacred flame burning and to pass the torch along from father to +son, from mother to daughter till the end of time, or so long as they +do not make any mesalliances, which is just as important in America, +whatever may be said to the contrary, as among our “English cousins.”_ + + MIXED DANCING + + Another quality which is often helpful on the dance floor, + especially to girls, is the ability to dance. This seems to have + become largely a trick of keeping abreast of the latest “mode” + and while, personally, I greatly regret the passing of the + stately lancers and other dignified “round dances,” yet, if + “mixed dancing” has come to stay, it is the duty of every young + person to learn to dance as well as possible in the generally + accepted manner, even though this often involves some + compromising of one’s _amour propre_. + + But in addition to all these necessary qualifications the really + great person—the true super man or woman of the ballroom—must be + possessed of that certain divine something, that _je ne sais + quoi_ ability to rise superior to all occasions, to overcome the + most difficult situations, which has distinguished the great men + and women of all ages. Joan of Arc had it, George Washington had + it, Napoleon had it—and I venture to say that any of these three, + had they lived today, Would have been a social success. But + perhaps this fact can best be illustrated by taking a typical + instance in the ballroom in which “When duty whispered low ‘Thou + must,’ the youth replied ‘I can.’” + + HINTS FOR STAGS + + Let us suppose, for example, that you are a young man who has + been invited to a dance to be given at the East Shore Country + Club. It is your original intention, let us say, to attend as a + “stag,” but on the afternoon of the party you receive a note from + a young lady of your acquaintance asking if you would be so kind + as to accompany to the ball a guest of hers, a “sweet girl from + South Orange” who was in her class at college. + + The correct costume for a dance of this sort is usually a dinner + coat with a black or white vest, and when you have robed yourself + correctly, you should drive in your car to the young lady’s home. + There you are presented to the sweet girl from South Orange, who + is six feet tall and has protruding teeth. After the customary + words of greeting and a few brief bits of pleasantry, you set off + with your partner for the dance. + + Arrived at the East Shore Club, you find the party in “full + swing,” and after shaking hands with your host and hostess, you + should ask your partner if she would care to dance. + + The first three times that she steps on your left foot, you + should politely murmur, “My fault.” But when she begins to sing + in your ear it is proper to steer her over toward the “stag line” + in order to petition for an injunction or a temporary restraining + order. + + The “stag line” consists of a group of the wisest, shrewdest and + most hard-hearted young men ever gathered together under one + roof. The original purpose of a “stag line” was to provide a + place where unattached young men might stand while searching for + a partner, but the institution has now come to be a form of + Supreme Court, passing life or death sentence upon the various + debutantes who pass before it. + + After you have piloted your partner five times along the length + of this line you have a pretty fair idea as to her merits or + demerits, and, in this particular case, you have a pretty fair + idea as to just what the evening holds out for you. When the + music stops you should therefore lead the girl over to a chair + and ask to be allowed to bring her a glass of punch. + + Instead of going directly to the punch bowl, you should turn your + steps toward the “stag line.” There you will find several young + men whom only as late as that afternoon you counted among your + very best friends, but who do not, at the present, seem to + remember ever having met you before. Seizing the arm of one of + these you say, “Tom, I want you to meet——” That is as far as you + will get, for Tom will suddenly interrupt you by remarking, + “Excuse me a minute, Ed—, I see a girl over there I’ve simply got + to speak to. I’ll come right back.” + + He will not come right back. He will not come back at all. And + after you have met with the same response from four other + so-called friends, you should return to the South Orange visitor + and “carry on.” + + At the end of the second hour, however, your mind should begin to + clear, and if you are at all possessed of the qualifications for + future ballroom leadership, you should gradually throw off the + slough of despond and determine to make a fight for life, liberty + and the pursuit of happiness. And when the music has once more + ceased, you should ask your partner if she would not care to take + a jaunt in the open air. + + “I know a lovely walk,” you should say, “across a quaint old + bridge.” + + The rest is, of course, easy. Arrived in the middle of the quaint + old bridge, which leads across a cavern some three hundred feet + deep, you should quickly seize the tall college graduate, and + push her, not too roughly or ungentlemanly, off the bridge. + + And, if you are really a genius, and not merely “one of the + crowd” you will return to the ballroom and, going up to the young + lady who was responsible for your having met the sweet girl from + South Orange, you will offer her your arm, and smile invitingly. + + “I know a lovely walk,” you will say, “across a quaint old + bridge.” + +[Illustration] + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Perfect Behavior, by Donald Ogden Stewart + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PERFECT BEHAVIOR *** + +***** This file should be named 1446-0.txt or 1446-0.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/4/1446/ + +Produced by Charles Keller, and David Widger + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will +be renamed. + +Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright +law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, +so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United +States without permission and without paying copyright +royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of +the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at +www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have +to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. + +Title: Perfect Behavior + A Guide for Ladies and Gentlemen in all Social Crises + +Author: Donald Ogden Stewart + +Illustrator: Ralph Barton + +Release Date: September, 1998 [EBook #1446] +[Most recently updated: February 14, 2020] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PERFECT BEHAVIOR *** + + + + +Produced by Charles Keller, and David Widger + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<h1>Perfect Behavior</h1> + +<h2>by Donald Ogden Stewart</h2> + +<h3>Illustrated by Ralph Barton</h3> + +<h4>A Guide for Ladies and Gentlemen in all Social Crises</h4> + +<hr /> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image01.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="frontispiece" /> +</div> + +<p class="letter"> +Those who are not self-possessed obtrude +and pain us.—EMERSON +<br/> +<br/> +<br/> +A parody outline of etiquette by the Author of “A Parody +Outline of History”<br/> +<br/> +The perfect gentleman is he who never unintentionally causes +pain.—OLD PROVERB +<br/><br/><br/><br/> +</p> + +<p class="center"> + TO THE BRIDEGROOM WHOSE WEDDING WAS RUINED<br/> + BECAUSE THE BRIDE CAME DOWN THE AISLE<br/> + ON THE RIGHT INSTEAD OF THE LEFT<br/> + ARM OF HER FATHER<br/> + <i>With Deepest Sympathy</i> +</p> + +<h2>Contents</h2> + +<table summary="" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto"> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#chap01">CHAPTER ONE: THE ETIQUETTE OF COURTSHIP</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#chap02">CHAPTER TWO: THE ETIQUETTE OF ENGAGEMENTS AND WEDDINGS</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#chap03">CHAPTER THREE: THE ETIQUETTE OF TRAVEL</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#chap04">CHAPTER FOUR: AT THE CONCERT AND THE OPERA</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#chap05">CHAPTER FIVE: ETIQUETTE FOR DRY AGENTS</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#chap06">CHAPTER SIX: A CHAPTER FOR SCHOOLGIRLS</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#chap07">CHAPTER SEVEN: THE ETIQUETTE OF GAMES AND SPORTS</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#chap08">CHAPTER EIGHT: CORRESPONDENCE AND INVITATIONS</a></td> +</tr> + +<tr> +<td> <a href="#chap09">CHAPTER NINE: THE ETIQUETTE OF DINNERS AND BALLS</a></td> +</tr> + +</table> + + + <h2> + CONTENTS + </h2> + +<p class="noindent"> +<a href="#chap01">I. THE ETIQUETTE OF COURTSHIP</a> A Few Words about +Love—Curious Incident in a Yellow Taxicab—A Silly +Girl—Correct Introductions and how to Make Them—A Well Known +Congressman’s Ludicrous Mistake in a Turkish Bath—Cards and +Flowers—Flowers and their Message in Courtship—“A Clean Tooth +Never Decays”—Receiving an Invitation to Call—The Etiquette +of Telephoning-A Telephone Girl’s Horrible End—Making the First +Call—Conversation and Some of its Uses—A Proper Call—The +Proposal Proper-The Proposal Improper—What Henry Wadsworth Longfellow +Said to the ex-Clergyman’s Niece.<br/><br/> +</p> + +<p class="noindent"> +<a href="#chap02">II. THE ETIQUETTE OF ENGAGEMENTS AND WEDDINGS</a> The +Historic Aspect—Announcing the Engagement—A Breton Fisher +Girl’s Experience with a Traveling Salesman—The +Bride-to-Be—The Engagement Luncheon—Selecting the Bridal +Party—Invitations and Wedding Presents—A Good Joke on the +Groom—“Madam, those are my trousers”—Duties of the Best +Man—A Demented Taxidermist’s Strange Gift—The Bride’s +Tea—The Maid of Honor—What Aunt Edna Saw on the Club Porch-The +Bachelor Dinner and After-Some Practical Uses for Bi-Carbonate of +Soda—The Rehearsal—The Bridal Dinner—A Church Wedding.<br/><br/> +</p> + +<p class="noindent"> +<a href="#chap03">III. THE ETIQUETTE OF TRAVEL</a> Hints for the Correct +Pedestrianism—Description of a Walk around Philadelphia with a Pueblo +Indian in 1837—Travelling by Rail— Good Form on a Street +Car—In the Subway—Fun with an Old Gentleman’s +Whiskers—A Honeymoon in a Subway—Travelling under Steam-A Correct +Night in a Pullman-What Burton Holmes Found in His Lower Berth.<br/><br/> +</p> + +<p class="noindent"> +<a href="#chap04">IV. AT THE CONCERT AND THE OPERA</a> Listening to a Symphony +Orchestra—Curious Effect of Debussy’s “Apres-midi d’un +Faune” and four gin fizzes on Uncle Frederick—“No, fool like +an old fool”—Correct Behavior at a Piano Recital—Choosing +One’s Nearest Exit—In a Box at the Opera—What a Kansas City +Society Leader Did with Her Old Victrola Records.<br/><br/> +</p> + +<p class="noindent"> +<a href="#chap05">V. ETIQUETTE FOR DRY AGENTS</a> Some Broader Aspects of +Prohibition—Interesting Effect of Whisky on Goldfish—The College +Graduate as Dry Agent—Aunt Emily’s Amusing Experiences with a Quart +of Gin Planning a Dry Raid on a Masquerade Ball A Word About Correct +Costumes—A California Motion Picture Actress’s Bad Taste—Good +Form for Dry Agents During a Raid-What the New York Clubman Said About Mr. +Volstead.<br/><br/> +</p> + +<p class="noindent"> +<a href="#chap06">VI. A CHAPTER FOR SCHOOLGIRLS</a> Selecting a Proper +School—Account of an Interesting Trip Down the Eric Canal with Miss +Spence—Correct Equipment for the Schoolgirl—En Route—ln New +York—A journey Around the City—Description of the Visit of Ed. +Pinaud to the Aquarium in 1858—The First Days in the New +School—“After Lights” in a Dormitory—An “Old +Schoolgirl’s” Confessions—Becoming Acclimatized—A +Visitor from Princeton-Strange Pets.<br/><br/> +</p> + +<p class="noindent"> +<a href="#chap07">VII. THE ETIQUETTE OF GAMES AND SPORTS</a> Golf as a +Pastime—What Henry Ward Beecher Said When He Broke His Niblic—An +Afternoon at the Old Farm with the Dice—“Shoot you for your ear +trumpet, grandfather!”—Correct Behavior on a Picnic—A Swedish +Nobleman’s Curious Method of Eating Potato Chips—Boxing in American +Society—A Good Joke on an Amateur Boxer—“He didn’t know +it was Jack Dempsey!”—Bridge Whist—Formal and Informal +Drinking—A jolly Hallowe’en Party—Invitations—Receiving +the Guests—How to Mystify—Games.<br/><br/> +</p> + +<p class="noindent"> +<a href="#chap08">VIII. CORRESPONDENCE AND INVITATIONS</a> Correspondence for +Young Ladies—College Boys How to Order a Full Dress Suit by +Mail—Letters to Parents—A Prominent Retired Bank President’s +Advice to Correspondents—Letters from Parents—Peculiarities of the +Divorce Laws of New York—Letters to Prospective Fathers-in-Law—A +Correct Form of Letter to a Society Matron Asking Her How About that Grocery +Bill for Eighty-Two Dollars and Sixty-Seven Cents—Love +Letters—Correspondence of Public Officials—-Letters to +Strangers—Letters to Newspapers, Magazines, etc.—Invitations, +Acceptances and Regrets.<br/><br/> +</p> + +<p class="noindent"> +<a href="#chap09">IX. THE ETIQUETTE OF DINNERS AND BALLS</a> Formal Dinners in +America-Table Manners for Children—Removing Stains from Gray Silk—A +Child’s Garden of Etiquette—Etiquette in the +School—Conversation at Dinner—What a New Jersey Lady Did with Her +Olive Seeds—Stewart’s Lightning Calculator of Dinner Table +Conversation—“It Seems that Pat and Mike”—Balls and +Dances—-Artificial Respiration—Mixed Dancing—Hints for Stags. +A Word of Warning and Encouragement +</p> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2><a name="chap01"></a>CHAPTER ONE:<br/>THE ETIQUETTE OF COURTSHIP</h2> + + <h3> + A FEW WORDS ABOUT LOVE + </h3> + <p> + Courtship is one of the oldest of social customs, even antedating in some + countries such long-established usages as marriage, or the wearing of + white neckties with full evening dress. The beginnings of the etiquette of + courtship were apparently connected in some way with the custom of “love” + between the sexes, and many of the old amatory forms still survive in the + modern courtship. It is generally agreed among students of the history of + etiquette that when “love” first began to become popular among the better + class of younger people they took to it with such avidity that it was + necessary to devise some sort of rules for the conduct of formal or + informal love-making. These rules, together with various amendments, now + constitute the etiquette of courtship. + </p> + <p> + Suppose, for example, that you are a young gentleman named Richard Roe + desirous of entering upon a formal courtship with some refined young girl + of fashion. You are also, being a college graduate, engaged in the bond + business. One morning there comes into your financial institution a young + lady, named Dorothy Doe, who at once attracts your attention by her + genteel manners, as exemplified by the fact that she calls the president + of your company “father.” So many young people seem to think it “smart” to + refer to their parents as “dad” or “my old man”; you are certain, as soon + as you hear her say “Hello, father” to your employer, that she is + undoubtedly a worthy object of courtship. + </p> + <h3> + CORRECT INTRODUCTIONS; HOW TO MAKE THEM + </h3> + <p> + Your first step should be, of course, the securing of an introduction. + Introductions still play an important part in social intercourse, and many + errors are often perpetrated by those ignorant of <i>savoir faire</i> (correct + form). When introducing a young lady to a stranger for example, it is not + <i>au fait</i> (correct form) to simply say, “Mr. Roe, I want you to shake hands + with my friend Dorothy.” Under the rules of the <i>beau monde</i> (correct form) + this would probably be done as follows: “Dorothy (or Miss Doe), shake + hands with Mr. Roe.” Always give the name of the lady first, unless you + are introducing some one to the President of the United States, the + Archbishop of Canterbury, a member of the nobility above a baron, or a + customer. The person who is being “introduced” then extends his (or her) + right ungloved hand and says, “Shake.” You “shake,” saying at the same + time, “It’s warm (cool) for November (May),” to which the other replies, + “I’ll say it is.” + </p> + <p> + This brings up the interesting question of introducing two people to each + other, neither of whose names you can remember. This is generally done by + saying very quickly to one of the parties, “Of course you know Miss + Unkunkunk.” Say the last “unk” very quickly, so that it sounds like any + name from Ab to Zinc. You might even sneeze violently. Of course, in nine + cases out of ten, one of the two people will at once say, “I didn’t get + the name,” at which you laugh, “Ha! Ha! Ha!” in a carefree manner several + times, saying at the same time, “Well, well—so you didn’t get the + name—you didn’t get the name—well, well.” If the man still + persists in wishing to know who it is to whom he is being introduced, the + best procedure consists in simply braining him on the spot with a club or + convenient slab of paving stone. + </p> + <p> + The “introduction,” in cases where you have no mutual friend to do the + introducing, is somewhat more difficult but can generally be arranged as + follows: + </p> + <p> + Procure a few feet of stout manila rope or clothes-line, from any of the + better-class hardware stores. Ascertain (from the Social Register, + preferably) the location of the young lady’s residence, and go there on + some dark evening about nine o’clock. Fasten the rope across the sidewalk + in front of the residence about six inches or a foot from the ground. + Then, with the aid of a match and some kerosene, set fire to the young + lady’s house in several places and retire behind a convenient tree. After + some time, if she is at home, she will probably be forced to run out of + her house to avoid being burned to death. In her excitement she will fail + to notice the rope which you have stretched across the sidewalk and will + fall. This is your opportunity to obtain an introduction. Stepping up to + her and touching your hat politely, you say, in a well modulated voice, “I + beg your pardon, Miss Doe, but I cannot help noticing that you are lying + prone on the sidewalk.” If she is well bred, she will not at first speak + to you, as you are a perfect stranger. This silence, however, should be + your cue to once more tip your hat and remark, “I realize, Miss Doe, that + I have not had the honor of an introduction, but you will admit that you + are lying prone on the sidewalk. Here is my card—and here is one for + Mrs. Doe, your mother.” At that you should hand her two plain engraved + calling cards, each containing your name and address. If there are any + other ladies in her family—aunts, grandmothers, et cetera—it + is correct to leave cards for them also. Be sure that the cards are clean, + as the name on the calling card is generally sufficient for identification + purposes without the addition of the thumbprint. + </p> + <p> + When she has accepted your cards, she will give you one of hers, after + which it will be perfectly correct for you to assist her to rise from the + sidewalk. Do not, however, press your attentions further upon her at this + time, but after expressing the proper regret over her misfortune it would + be well to bow and retire. + </p> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image02.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Table Manners Betray One’s Bringing-Up" /> +<span class="caption"><i>Every one knows that table manners betray one’s +bringing-up mercilessly. The young man in the picture has good reason to wish a +meteorite would fall on him. His perpendicularity has just been restored by a +deft upward movement of Aunt Harriet’s shoulder, upon which he had +inadvertently rested his head during a quiet snooze while Cousin Edna was +making her little speech at the Bridal Dinner.</i> <small>PERFECT +BEHAVIOR</small> <i>would have Pasteurized him against even Bridal +Dinners</i>.</span> +</div> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image03.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Hat? Toupee? or Book?" /> +<span class="caption"><i>When a woman recognizes and nods to a man to whom she +has been formally introduced several times, or to whom she has been married, is +the man expected to accept the greeting and politely lift his hat or should he +lift both his hat and his toupee? Street etiquette is disposed authoritatively +and finally in</i> <small>PERFECT BEHAVIOR</small>.</span> +</div> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image04.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Park Benches and Their Uses" /> +<span class="caption"><i>You are, let us pretend, walking in the park. You come +upon two benches arranged as shown in the above diagram. Would you know which +bench it would be proper to sit on if you are (1) a young man just out of +college—(2) a rather homely young woman? To avoid embarrassment look this +up in</i> <small>PERFECT BEHAVIOR</small>.</span> +</div> + +<div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> +<img src="images/image05.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Travelling with a Player Piano" /> +<span class="caption"><i>A jolly crowd is boarding the 4:56 for a house-party +in the suburbs. The gentleman at the right, having been educated abroad, has +never learned to play the ukelele, the banjo, the jew’s harp or the +saxophone, and is, with the best intentions in the world, attempting to +contribute his share to the gaiety of the coming evenings by bringing along his +player-piano. Would you—be honest!—have recognized his action as a +serious social blunder without having referred to</i> <small>PERFECT +BEHAVIOR</small>?</span> +</div> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image06.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="A Child, a Banana, A Hard-Boiled Egg" /> +<span class="caption"><i>The young mother in the picture is traveling from one +point to another in a Pullman. In the effort to commit as great a nuisance as +possible, she has provided her child with a banana and a hard boiled egg. Not +having dipped into the chapter on travel in</i> <small>PERFECT +BEHAVIOR</small>, <i>she is ignorant of the fact that a peach would have +produced quite as much mess and far more permanent stains and a folding cup for +the water cooler would have spread the disturbance over a wider +area</i>.</span> +</div> + + <h3> + CARDS AND FLOWERS + </h3> + + <p> + The next day, however, you should send flowers, enclosing another of your + cards. It might be well to write some message on the card recalling the + events of the preceding evening—nothing intimate, but simply a + reminder of your first meeting and a suggestion that you might possibly + desire to continue the acquaintanceship. Quotations from poetry of the + better sort are always appropriate; thus, on this occasion, it might be + nice to write on the card accompanying the flowers—“‘This is the + forest primeval’—H. W. Longfellow,” or “‘Take, oh take, those lips + away’—W. Shakespeare.” You will find there are hundreds of lines + equally appropriate for this and other occasions, and in this connection + it might be well to display a little originality at times by substituting + pertinent verses of your own in place of the conventional quotations. For + example—“This is the forest primeval, I regret your last evening’s + upheaval,” shows the young lady in question that not only are you + well-read in classic poetry, but also you have no mean talent of your own. + Too much originality, however, is dangerous, especially in polite social + intercourse, and I need hardly remind you that the floors of the social + ocean are watered with the tears of those who seek to walk on their own + hook. + </p> + <p> + Within a week after you have sent the young lady the flowers, you should + receive a polite note of thanks, somewhat as follows: “My dear Mr. Roe: + Those lovely flowers came quite as a surprise. They are lovely, and I + cannot thank you enough for your thoughtfulness. Their lovely fragrance + fills my room as I write, and I wish to thank you again. It was lovely of + you.” + </p> + <h3> + FLOWERS AND THEIR MESSAGE IN COURTSHIP + </h3> + <p> + It is now time to settle down to the more serious business of courtship. + Her letter shows beyond the shadow of a figurative doubt that she is + “interested,” and the next move is “up to you.” Probably she will soon + come into the office to see her father, in which case you should have + ready at hand some appropriate gift, such as, for example, a nice potted + geranium. Great care should be taken, however, that it is a plant of the + correct species, for in the etiquette of courtship all flowers have + different meanings and many a promising affair has been ruined because a + suitor sent his lady a buttercup, meaning “That’s the last dance I’ll ever + take you to, you big cow,” instead of a plant with a more tender + significance. Some of the commoner flowers and their meaning in courtship + are as follows: + </p> + <p> + Fringed Gentian—“I am going out to get a shave. Back at 3:30.” + </p> + <p> + Poppy—“I would be proud to be the father of your children.” + </p> + <p> + Golden-rod—“I hear that you have hay-fever.” + </p> + <p> + Tuberose—“Meet me Saturday at the Fourteenth Street subway station.” + </p> + <p> + Blood-root—“Aunt Kitty murdered Uncle Fred Thursday.” + </p> + <p> + Dutchman’s Breeches—“That case of Holland gin and Old Tailor has + arrived. Come on over.” + </p> + <p> + Iris—“Could you learn to love an optician?” + </p> + <p> + Aster—“Who was that stout Jewish-looking party I saw you with in the + hotel lobby Friday?” + </p> + <p> + Deadly Nightshade—“Pull down those blinds, quick!” + </p> + <p> + Passion Flower—“Phone Main 1249—ask for Eddie.” + </p> + <p> + Raspberry—“I am announcing my engagement to Charlie O’Keefe + Tuesday.” + </p> + <p> + Wild Thyme—“I have seats for the Hippodrome Saturday afternoon.” + </p> + <p> + The above flowers can also be combined to make different meanings, as, for + example, a bouquet composed of three tuberoses and some Virginia creeper + generally signifies the following, “The reason I didn’t call for you + yesterday was that I had three inner tube punctures, besides a lot of + engine trouble in that old car I bought in Virginia last year. Gosh, I’m + sorry!” + </p> + <p> + But to return to the etiquette of our present courtship. As Miss Doe + leaves the office you follow her, holding the potted plant in your left + hand. After she has gone a few paces you step up to her, remove your hat + (or cap) with your right hand, and offer her the geranium, remarking, “I + beg your pardon, miss, but didn’t you drop this?” A great deal depends + upon the manner in which you offer the plant and the way she receives it. + If you hand it to her with the flower pointing upward it means, “Dare I + hope?” Reversed, it signifies, “Your petticoat shows about an inch, or an + inch and a half.” If she receives the plant in her right hand, it means, + “I am”; left hand, “You are”; both hands—“He, she or it is.” If, + however, she takes the pot firmly in both hands and breaks it with great + force on your head, the meaning is usually negative and your only correct + course of procedure is a hasty bow and a brief apology. + </p> + <h3> + RECEIVING AN INVITATION TO CALL + </h3> + <p> + Let us suppose, however, that she accepts the geranium in such a manner + that you are encouraged to continue the acquaintance. Your next move + should be a request for an invitation to call upon her at her home. This + should, above all things, not be done crudely. It is better merely to + suggest your wish by some indirect method such as, “Oh—so you live + on William Street. Well, well! I often walk on William Street in the + evening, but I have never called on any girl there—<i>yet</i>.” The “yet” + may be accompanied by a slight raising of your eyebrows, a wink, or a + friendly nudge with your elbow. Unless she is unusually “dense” she will + probably “take the hint” and invite you to come and see her some evening. + At once you should say, “<i>What</i> evening? How about <i>to-night</i>?” If she says + that she is already engaged for that evening, take a calendar out of your + pocket and remark, “Tomorrow? Wednesday? Thursday? Friday? I really have + no engagements between now and October. Saturday? Sunday?” This will show + her that you are really desirous of calling upon her and she will probably + say, “Well, I think I am free Thursday night, but you had better telephone + me first.” + </p> + <h3> + THE ETIQUETTE OF TELEPHONING + </h3> + <p> + On Thursday morning, therefore, you should go to a public telephone-booth + in order to call the young lady’s house. The etiquette of telephoning is + quite important and many otherwise perfectly well-bred people often make + themselves conspicuous because they do not know the correct procedure in + using this modern but almost indispensable invention. Upon entering the + telephone-booth, which is located, say, in some drug store, you remove the + receiver from the hook and deposit the requisite coin in the coin box. + After an interval of some minutes a young lady (referred to as “Central”) + will ask for your “Number, please.” Suppose, for example, that you wish to + get Bryant 4310. Remove your hat politely and speak that number into the + mouthpiece. “Central” will then say, “Rhinelander 4310.” To which you + reply, “NO, Central—<i>Bryant</i> 4310.” Central then says, “I beg your + pardon—Bryant 4310,” to which you reply, “Yes, please.” In a few + minutes a voice at the other end of the line says, “Hello,” to which you + answer, “Is Miss Doe at home?” The voice then says, “Who?” You say, “Miss + Doe, please—Miss Dorothy Doe.” You then hear the following, “Wait a + minute. Say, Charlie, is they anybody works around here by the name of + Doe? There’s a guy wants to talk to a Miss Doe. Here—you answer it.” + Another voice then says, “Hello.” You reply “Hello.” He says, “What do you + want?” You reply, “I wish to speak to Miss Dorothy Doe.” He says, “What + department does she work in?” You reply, “Is this the residence of J. + Franklin Doe, President of the First National Bank?” He says, “Wait a + minute.” You wait a minute. You wait several. Another voice—a new + voice says-“Hello.” You reply “Hello.” He says, “Give me Stuyvesant 8864.” + You say, “But I’m trying to get Miss Doe—Miss Dorothy Doe.” He says, + “Who?” You say, “Is this the residence of—” He says, “Naw—this + is Goebel Brothers, Wholesale Grocers—what number do you want?” You + say, “Bryant 4310.” He says, “Well, this is Rhinelander 4310.” You then + hang up the receiver and count twenty. The telephone bell then rings, and + inasmuch as you are the only person near the phone you take up the + receiver and say, “Hello.” A female voice, says, “Hello, dearie—don’t + you know who this is?” You say, politely but firmly, “No.” She says, + “Guess!” You guess “Mrs. Warren G. Harding.” She says, “No. This is Ethel. + Is Walter there?” You reply, “Walter?” She says, “Ask him to come to the + phone, will you? He lives up-stairs over the drug store. Just yell + ‘Walter’ at the third door down the hall. Tell him Ethyl wants to speak to + him—no, wait—tell him it’s Madge.” Being a gentleman, you + comply with the lady’s request. After bringing Walter to the phone, you + obligingly wait for some twenty minutes while he converses with Ethel—no, + Madge. When he has finished, you once more enter the booth and tell + “Central” you want Bryant 4310. After a few minutes “Central” says, “What + number did you call?” You say patiently, “Bryant 4310.” She replies, + “Bryant 4310 has been changed to Schuyler 6372.” You ask for Schuyler + 6372. Finally a woman’s voice says, “Yass.” You say, “Is Miss Doe in?” She + replies, “Yass.” You say, “May I speak to her?” She says, “Who?” You + reply, “You said Miss Doe was at home, didn’t you?” She replies, “Yass.” + You say, “Well, may I speak to her?” The voice says, “Who?” You shout, + “Miss Doe.” The voice says, “She ban out.” You shriek, “Oh, go to hell!” + and assuming a graceful, easy position in the booth, you proceed to tear + the telephone from the wall. Later on in the day, when you have two or + three hours of spare time, you can telephone Miss Doe again and arrange + for the evening’s visit. + </p> + +<div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> +<img src="images/image07.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="A Crude Bridegroom" /> +<span class="caption"><i>Not realizing his mistake, the Groom stands waiting +for the Bridal Procession, apparently in high spirits and the best of health. +Such an attitude toward a wedding is in the worst possible taste.</i> +<small>PERFECT BEHAVIOR</small> <i>tells all about the correct appearance and +conduct of Bridegrooms</i>.</span> +</div> + +<div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> +<img src="images/image08.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="A Best Man’s Blunder" /> +<span class="caption"><i>The Best Man has just been introduced to the Maid of +Honor. Instead of waiting for her to extend her hand and make the +acknowledgment, he has turned on his heel and bolted from the room. This +constitutes a social blunder, after the commission of which he could never +again, in polite society, be considered quite a gentleman</i>. <small>PERFECT +BEHAVIOR</small> <i>would have told him how the man of birth and breeding +learns to face anything with perfect “Sang froid.”</i></span> +</div> + +<div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> +<img src="images/image09.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="The Pun “De Rigueur”" /> +<span class="caption"><i>The Groom has just presented his Best Man to his +sister, who, though she is more than eager to make every one feel at home, has +failed to make at once the pun “de rigueur” on the words +“best man.” An awkward silence has ensued. What is to be done? +Should one of the gentlemen fill the breach by making the pun for her? If so, +which?</i> <small>PERFECT BEHAVIOR</small> <i>covers the whole subject of +making the “best man” pun authoritatively.</i></span> +</div> + +<div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> +<img src="images/image10.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="The Young Man Doesn’t Know How to Drink" /> +<span class="caption"><i>The young man at the right does not know how to drink. +Nevertheless, he has been selected by a friend to act as Best Man at his +wedding and has attended the Bachelor Dinner. Instead of doing what he should +do under the circumstances, he is making himself conspicuous by remaining +coherent while the others sing “Mademoiselle from Alabam’.” +Had the Bridegroom provided himself with a copy of</i> <small>PERFECT +BEHAVIOR</small> <i>he would have known better than to have selected +him.</i></span> +</div> + + <h3> + MAKING THE FIRST CALL + </h3> + <p> + The custom of social “calls” between young men and young women is one of + the prettiest of etiquette’s older conventions, and one around which + clusters a romantic group of delightful traditions. In this day and + generation, what with horseless carriages, electric telephones and + telegraphs, and dirigible gas bags, a great many of the older forms have + been allowed to die out, greatly, I believe, to our discredit. “Speed, not + manners,” seems to be the motto of this century. I hope that there still + exist a few young men who care enough about “good form” to study carefully + to perfect themselves in the art of “calling.” Come, Tom, Dick and Harry—drop + your bicycles for an afternoon and fill your minds with something besides + steam engines and pneumatic tires! + </p> + <p> + The first call at the home of any young lady of fashion is an extremely + important social function, and too great care can not be taken that you + prepare yourself thoroughly in advance. It would be well to leave your + work an hour or two earlier in the afternoon, so that you can go home and + practice such necessary things as entering or leaving a room correctly. + Most young men are extremely careless in this particular, and unless you + rehearse yourself thoroughly in the proper procedure you are apt to find + later on to your dismay that you have made your exit through a window onto + the fire-escape instead of through the proper door. + </p> + <h3> + CONVERSATION AND SOME OF ITS USES + </h3> + <p> + Your conversation should also be planned more or less in advance. Select + some topic in which you think your lady friend will be interested, such + as, for example, the removal of tonsils and adenoids, and “read up” on the + subject so that you can discuss it in an intelligent manner. Find out, for + example, how many people had tonsils removed in February, March, April. + Contrast this with the same figures for 1880, 1890, 1900. Learn two or + three amusing anecdotes about adenoids. Consult Bartlett’s “Familiar + Quotations” for appropriate verses dealing with tonsils and throat + troubles. Finally, and above all, take time to glance through four or five + volumes of Dr. Eliot’s Five Foot Shelf, for nothing so completely marks + the cultivated man as the ability to refer familiarly to the various + volumes of the Harvard classics. + </p> + <h3> + A PROPER CALL + </h3> + <p> + Promptly at the time appointed you should arrive at the house where the + young lady is staying. In answer to your ring a German police dog will + begin to bark furiously inside the house, and a maid will finally come to + the door. Removing your hat and one glove, you say, “Is Miss Doe home?” + The maid replies, “Yass, ay tank so.” You give her your card and the dog + rushes out and bites you on either the right or left leg. You are then + ushered into a room in which is seated an old man with a long white beard. + He is fast asleep. “Dot’s grampaw,” says the maid, to which you reply, + “Oh.” She retires, leaving you alone with grampaw. After a while he opens + his eyes and stares at you for a few minutes. He then says, “Did the dog + bite you?” You answer, “Yes, sir.” Grampaw then says, “He bites + everybody,” and goes back to sleep. Reassured, you light a cigaret. A + little boy and girl then come to the door, and, after examining you + carefully for several minutes, they burst into giggling laughter and run + away. You feel to see if you have forgotten to put on a necktie. A severe + looking old lady then enters the room. You rise and bow. “I am Miss Doe’s + grandmother. Some one has been smoking in here,” she says, and sits down + opposite you. Her remark is not, however, a hint for a cigaret and you + should not make the mistake of saying, “I’ve only got Fatimas, but if you + care to try one—” It should be your aim to seek to impress yourself + favorably upon every member of the young lady’s family. Try to engage the + grandmother in conversation, taking care to select subjects in which you + feel she would be interested. Conversation is largely the art of “playing + up” to the other person’s favorite subject. In this particular case, for + example, it would be a mistake to say to Miss Doe’s grandmother, “Have you + ever tried making synthetic gin?” or “Do you think any one will <i>ever</i> lick + Dempsey?” A more experienced person, and some one who had studied the + hobbies of old people, would probably begin by remarking, “Well, I see + that Jeremiah Smith died of cancer Thursday,” or “That was a lovely burial + they gave Mrs. Watts, wasn’t it?” If you are tactful, you should soon win + the old lady’s favor completely, so that before long she will tell you all + about her rheumatism and what grampaw can and can’t eat. + </p> + <p> + Finally Miss Doe arrives. Her first words are, “Have you been waiting + long? Hilda didn’t tell me you were here,” to which you reply, “No—I + just arrived.” She then says, “Shall we go in the drawing-room?” The + answer to this is, “For God’s sake, yes!” In a few minutes you find + yourself alone in the drawing-room with the lady of your choice and the + courtship proper can then begin. + </p> + <p> + The best way to proceed is gradually to bring the conversation around to + the subject of the “modern girl.” After your preliminary remarks about + tonsils and adenoids have been thoroughly exhausted, you should suddenly + say, “Well I don’t think girls—nice girls—are really that + way.” She replies, of course, “<i>What</i> way?” You answer, “Oh, the way they + are in these modern novels. This ‘petting,’ for instance.” She says, “<i>What</i> + petting’?” You walk over and sit down on the sofa beside her. “Oh,” you + say, “these novelists make me sick—they seem to think that in our + generation every time a young man and woman are left alone on a lounge + together, they haven’t a thing better to do than put out the light and + ‘pet.’ It’s disgusting, isn’t it?” “Isn’t it?” she agrees and reaching + over she accidentally pulls the lamp cord, which puts out the light. + </p> + <p> + On your first visit you should not stay after 12:30. + </p> + <h3> + THE PROPOSAL PROPER + </h3> + <p> + About the second or third month of a formal courtship it is customary for + the man to propose matrimony, and if the girl has been “out” for three or + four years and has several younger sisters coming along, it is customary + for her to accept him. They then become “engaged,” and the courtship is + concluded. + </p> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2><a name="chap02"></a>CHAPTER TWO:<br/>THE ETIQUETTE OF ENGAGEMENTS AND WEDDINGS</h2> + + <h3> + THE HISTORIC ASPECT + </h3> + <p> + “Matrimony,” sings Homer, the poet, “is a holy estate and not lightly to + be entered into.” The “old Roman” is right. + </p> + <p> + A modern wedding is one of the most intricate and exhausting of social + customs. Young men and women of our better classes are now forced to + devote a large part of their lives to acting as brides, grooms, ushers and + bridesmaids at various elaborate nuptials. Weeks are generally required in + preparation for an up-to-date wedding; months are necessary in recovering + from such an affair. Indeed, some of the participants, notably the bride + and groom, never quite get over the effects of a marriage. + </p> + <p> + It was not “always thus.” Time was when the wedding was a comparatively + simple affair. In the Paleolithic Age, for example, (as Mr. H. G. Wells of + England points out in his able “Outline of History”), there is no evidence + of any particular ceremony conjunctive with the marriage of “a male and a + female.” Even with the advent of Neolithic man, a wedding seems to have + been consummated by the rather simple process of having the bridegroom + crack the bride over the head with a plain, unornamented stone ax. There + were no ushers—no bridesmaids. But shortly after that (c- 10,329—30 + B.C. to be exact) two young Neoliths named Haig, living in what is now + supposed to be Scotland, discovered that the prolonged distillation of + common barley resulted in the creation of an amber-colored liquid which, + when taken internally, produced a curious and not unpleasant effect. + </p> + <p> + This discovery had—and still has—a remarkable effect upon the + celebration of the marriage rite. Gradually there grew up around the + wedding a number of customs. With the Haig brothers’ discovery of Scotch + whiskey began, as a matter of course, the institution of the “bachelor + dinner.” “Necessity is the mother of invention,” and exactly twelve years + after the first “bachelor dinner” came the discovery of bicarbonate of + soda. From that time down to the present day the history of the etiquette + of weddings has been that of an increasing number of intricate forms and + ceremonies, each age having added its particular bit of ritual. The modern + wedding may be said to be, therefore, almost an “Outline of History” + itself. + </p> + <h3> + ANNOUNCING THE ENGAGEMENT + </h3> + <p> + Let us begin, first of all, with the duties of one of the minor characters + at a wedding—the Groom. Suppose that you are an eligible young man + named Richard Roe, who has just become “engaged” to a young lady named + Dorothy Doe. If you really intend to “marry the girl,” it is customary + that some formal announcement of the engagement be made, for which you + must have the permission of Miss Dorothy and her father. It is not + generally difficult to become engaged to most girls, but it will surprise + you to discover how hard it is to get the young lady whom you believe to + be your fiancée to consent to a public announcement of the fact. The + reason for this probably is that an engagement which has been “announced” + often leads to matrimony, and matrimony, in polite society, often lasts + for several years. After you have secured the girl’s permission, it is + next necessary that you notify her father of the engagement. In this + particular case, as he happens to be your employer, the notification can + take place in his office. First of all, however, it would be advisable to + prepare some sort of speech in advance. Aim to put him as far as possible + at his ease, lead up to the subject gradually and tactfully. Abruptness is + never “good form.” The following is suggested as a possible model. “Good + morning, Mr. Doe, say, I heard a good story from a traveling salesman last + night. It seems that there was a young married couple—(here insert a + good story about a young married couple). Wasn’t that <i>rich</i>? Yes, sir, + marriage is a great thing—a great institution. Every young man ought + to get married, don’t you think? You do? Well, Mr. Doe, I’ve got a + surprise for you, (here move toward the door). I’m going to (here open the + door) marry (step out of the room) your daughter” (close the door + quickly). + </p> + <h3> + THE BRIDE-TO-BE + </h3> + <p> + Before the public announcement of the engagement it is customary for the + bride-to-be to write personal letters to all other young men to whom she + happens to be engaged at the time. These notes should be kindly, + sympathetic and tactful. The same note can be written to all, provided + there is no chance of their comparing notes. The following is suggested: + </p> + <p> + “Dear Bob— + </p> + <p> + Bob, I want you to be the very first to know that I am engaged to Richard + Roe. I want you to like him, Bob, because he is a fine fellow and I would + rather have you like him than any one I know. I feel that he and I shall + be very happy together, and I want you to be the first to know about it. + Your friendship will always remain one of the brightest things in my life, + Bob, but, of course, I probably won’t be able to go to the Aiken dance + with you now. Please don’t tell anybody about it yet. I shall never forget + the happy times you and I had together, Bob, and will you please return + those silly letters of mine. I am sending you yours.” + </p> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image11.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Ignorance of Sporting Terms Betrays the “Cockney”" /> +<span class="caption"><i>Nothing so completely betrays the +“Cockney” as a faulty knowledge of sporting terms. The young lady +at the left has just returned from the hunting field hand-in-hand with the +dashing “lead,” who happens to be an eligible billionaire. Her +hostess, the mother of the sub-deb at the right, has greeted her by hissing, +“S—o—o! I see you’ve had a good day’s +hunting!” The use of this unsportsmanlike expression—in stead of +the correct “Hope you had a good run,” or “Where did you +find?”—at once discloses the hostess’s mean origin and the +young lady will almost certainly never accept another invitation to her +house.</i></span> +</div> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image12.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Proper Attitude Towards the Hostess’ Furniture" /> +<span class="caption"><i>In this work-a-day world, one is likely to forget that +there is an etiquette of pleasure, just as there is an etiquette of dancing or +the opera. One often hears a charming hostess refuse to invite this or that +person to her home for a game of billiards on the ground that he or she is a +“bum sport” or a “rotten loser.” The above scene +illustrates one of the little, but conspicuous, blunders that people make. The +gentleman, having missed his fifth consecutive shot, has broken his cue over +his knee and is ripping the baize off the table with the sharp end. This +display is not in the best taste.</i></span> +</div> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image13.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Correct Bathing Costumes for Ladies" /> +<span class="caption"><i>Good form at the beach is still a question of debate. +Some authorities on the subject insist that the Rubenesque type is preferable, +while others claim that the Byzantine is more fashionable. One thing is +certain—it is absolutely incorrect for ladies who weigh less than 75 or +more than 275 pounds (avoirdupois) to appear in costumes that would offend +against modesty. It is also considered rude to hold one’s swimming +partner under water for more then the formal quarter of an hour.</i></span> +</div> + + <h3> + THE ENGAGEMENT LUNCHEON + </h3> + <p> + The engagement is generally announced at a luncheon given by the parents + of the prospective bride. This is usually a small affair, only fifteen or + twenty of the most intimate friends of the engaged “couple” being invited. + It is one of the customs of engagement luncheons that all the guests shall + be tremendously surprised at the news, and great care should be taken to + aid them in carrying out this tradition. On the invitations, for example, + should be written some misleading phrase, such as “To meet General + Pershing” or “Not to Announce the Engagement of our Daughter.” + </p> + <p> + The announcement itself which should be made soon after the guests are + seated, offers a splendid opportunity for the display of originality and + should aim to afford the guest a surprise and perhaps a laugh, for + laughter of a certain quiet kind is often welcome at social functions. One + of the most favored methods of announcing an engagement is by the use of + symbolic figures embodying the names of the affianced pair. Thus, for + example, in the case of the present engagement of Richard Roe to Dorothy + Doe it would be “unique” to have the first course at luncheon consist of a + diminutive candy or paper-mache doe seated amorously upon a heart shaped + order of a shad roe. The guests will at first be mystified, but soon cries + of “Oh, how sweet!” will arise and congratulations are then in order. + Great care should be taken, however, that the symbolic figures are not + misunderstood; it would be extremely embarrassing, for example, if in the + above instance, a young man named “Shad” or “Aquarium” were to receive the + congratulations instead of the proper person. Other suggestions for + symbolistic announcements of some of the more common names are as follows: + </p> + <p> + “<i>Cohan-O’Brien</i>”—ice cream cones on a plate of O’Brien potatoes. + </p> + <p> + “<i>Ames-Green</i>—green ice cream in the shape of a man aiming at + something. + </p> + <p> + “<i>Thorne-Hoyt</i>—figure of a man from Brooklyn pulling a thorn from foot + with expression on his face signifying “This hoits.” + </p> + <p> + “<i>Bullitt-Bartlett</i>—bartlett pears full of small 22 or 33 calibre + bullets. + </p> + <p> + “<i>Tweed-Ellis</i>”—frosted cake in the shape of Ellis Island with a + solitary figure of a man in a nice fitting tweed suit. + </p> + <p> + “<i>Gordon-Fuller</i>”—two paper-mache figures—one representing a + young man full of Gordon gin, the other representing a young man fuller. + </p> + <p> + “<i>Hatch-Gillette</i>”—figure of a chicken surprised at having hatched a + safety razor. + </p> + <p> + “<i>Graves-Colgate</i>”—figure of a man brushing his teeth in a cemetery. + </p> + <p> + “<i>Heinz-Fish</i>”—57 assorted small fish tastily arranged on one plate. + </p> + <h3> + SELECTING THE BRIDAL PARTY + </h3> + <p> + AS soon as the engagement has been announced it is the duty of the + prospective bride to select a maid-of-honor and eight or ten bridesmaids, + while the groom must choose his best man and ushers. In making these + selections it should be carefully borne in mind that no wedding party is + complete without the following: + </p> + <p class="letter"> +1 bridesmaid who danced twice with the Prince of Wales.<br/> +2 Bridesmaids who never danced more than once with anybody.<br/> +1 bridesmaid who doesn’t “Pet.”<br/> +1 bridesmaid who was expelled from Miss Spence’s.<br/> +1 bridesmaid who talks “Southern.”<br/> +1 bridesmaid who met Douglas Fairbanks once.<br/> +1 bridesmaid who rowed on the crew at Wellesley.<br/> +1 usher who doesn’t drink anything.<br/> +9 ushers who drink anything. + </p> + <p> + In some localities, following the announcement, it is customary for the + bride’s friends, to give for her a number of “showers.” These are for the + purpose of providing her with various necessities for her wedded household + life. These affairs should be informal and only her dearest or wealthiest + friends should be invited. A clever bride will generally arrange secretly + for several of these “showers” by promising a certain percentage (usually + 15% of the gross up to $500.00 and 25% bonus on all over that amount) to + the friend who gives the party. Some of the more customary “showers” of + common household articles for the new bride are toothpaste, milk of + magnesia, screen doors, copies of Service’s poems, Cape Cod lighters, + pictures of “Age of Innocence” and back numbers of the “Atlantic Monthly.” + </p> + <h3> + INVITATIONS AND WEDDING PRESENTS + </h3> + <p> + The proper time to send out invitations to a wedding is between two and + three weeks before the day set for the ceremony, although the out-of-town + invitations should be mailed in plenty of time to allow the recipient to + purchase and forward a suitable present. As the gifts are received, a + check mark should be placed after the name of the donor, together with a + short description of the present and an estimate as to its probable cost. + This list is to be used later, at the wedding reception, in determining + the manner in which the bride is to greet the various guests. It has been + found helpful by many brides to devise some sort of memory system whereby + certain names immediately suggest certain responses, thus: + </p> + <p> + “Mr. Snodgrass—copy of ‘Highways and Byways in Old France’”—c. + $6.50—“how do you do, Mr. Snodgrass, have you met my mother?” + </p> + <p> + “Mr. Brackett—Solid silver candlesticks—$68.50”—“hello, + Bob, you old peach. How about a kiss?” + </p> + <p> + The real festivities of a wedding start about three days before the + ceremony, with the arrival of the “wedding party,” in which party the most + responsible position is that of best man. Let us suppose that you are to + be the best man at the Roe-Doe nuptials. What are your duties? + </p> + <p> + In the first place, you must prepare yourself for the wedding by a course + of training extending for over a month or more prior to the actual event. + It should be your aim to work yourself into such a condition that you can + go for three nights without sleep, talk for hours to the most impossibly + stupid of young women, and consume an unending amount of alcohol. You are + then prepared for the bachelor dinner, the bridal dinner, the bridesmaids, + the wedding, and the wedding reception. + </p> + <h3> + DUTIES OF THE BEST MAN + </h3> + <p> + Upon your arrival in the city where the wedding is to take place you will + be met by the bridegroom, who will take you to the home of the bride where + you are to stay. There you are met by the bride’s father. “This is my best + man,” says the groom. “The best man?” replies her father. “Well, may the + best man win.” At once you reply, “Ha! Ha! Ha!” He then says, “Is this + your first visit to Chicago?” to which the correct answer is, “Yes, sir, + but I hope it isn’t my last.” + </p> + <p> + The bride’s mother then appears. “This is my best man,” says the groom. + “Well,” says she, “remember—the best man doesn’t always win.” “Ha! + Ha! Ha!” you at once reply. “Is this your first visit to Chicago?” says + she, to which you answer, “Yes—but I hope it isn’t my last.” + </p> + <p> + You are then conducted to your room, where you are left alone to unpack. + In a few minutes the door will open and a small boy enter. This is the + brother of the bride. You smile at him pleasantly and remark, “Is this + your first visit to Chicago?” “What are you doing?” is his answer. + “Unpacking,” you reply. “What’s that?” says he. “A cutaway,” you reply. + “What’s that?” says he. “A collar bag.” “What’s that?” “A dress shirt.” + “What’s that?” says he. “Another dress shirt.” “What’s that?” says he. + “Say, listen,” you reply, “don’t I hear some one calling you?” “No,” says + he, “what’s that?” “That,” you reply, with a sigh of relief, “is a razor. + Here—take it and play with it.” In three minutes, if you have any + luck at all, the bride’s brother will have cut himself severely in several + places which will cause him to run crying from the room. You can then + finish unpacking. + </p> + <h3> + THE BRIDE’S TEA + </h3> + <p> + The first function of the pre-nuptial festivities is generally a tea at + the bride’s home, where the ushers and bridesmaids meet to become + “acquainted.” It is your duty, as best man, to go to the hotel where the + ushers are stopping and bring them to this tea. Just as you will leave on + this mission the groom will whisper in your ear, “For God’s sake, remember + to tell them that her father and mother are terribly opposed to drinking + in any form.” This is an awfully good joke on her father and mother. + </p> + <p> + As you step out of the hotel elevator you hear at the end of the hall a + chorus shouting, “Mademoiselle from Armentières—<i>parlez vous!</i>” Those + are your ushers. + </p> + <p> + Opening the door of the room you step forward and announce, “Fellows, we + have got to go to a tea right away. Come on—let’s go.” At this, ten + young men in cutaways will stand up and shout, “Yeaaa—the best man—give + the best man a drink!” From then on, at twelve minute intervals, it is + your duty to say, “Fellows, we have got to go to a tea right away. Come on—let’s + go.” Each time you will be handed another drink, which you may take with + either your right or left hand. + </p> + <p> + After an hour the telephone will ring. It will be the groom. He will say, + “Everybody is waiting for you and the ushers,” to which you reply, “We are + just leaving.” He then says, “And don’t forget to tell them what I told + you about her father and mother.” + </p> + <p> + You then hang up the receiver, take a drink in one hand and say, “Fellows, + I have a very solemn message for you. It’s a message which is of deep + importance to each one of us. Fellows—her father and mother object + to the use of alcohol in any form.” + </p> + <p> + This statement will be greeted with applause and cheers. You will all then + take one more drink, put on your silk hats and gray gloves, and leave the + room singing, “Her father and mother object to drink—<i>parlez vous</i>.” + </p> + <p> + The tea given by the bride’s parents is generally a small affair to which + only the members of the wedding party are invited. When you and the ushers + arrive, you will find the bride, the maid of honor and the bridesmaids + waiting for you. As you enter the room, make a polite bow to the bride’s + father and mother, and be sure to apologize for your lateness. Nothing so + betrays the social “oil can” as a failure to make a plausible excuse for + tardiness. Whenever you are late for a party you must always have ready + some good reason for your fault, such as, “Excuse me, Mrs. Doe, I’m afraid + I am a little late, but you see, just as I was dressing, this filling + dropped out of my tooth and I had to have it put back in.” If the host and + hostess seem to doubt your statement, it would be well to show them the + recalcitrant filling in question, although if they are “well-bred” they + will probably in most cases take you at your word. + </p> + <h3> + THE MAID OF HONOR + </h3> + <p> + You and the ushers will then be introduced to the bridesmaids and the maid + of honor. As you meet this latter young lady, who is the bride’s older + sister and, of course, your partner for the remainder of the wedding + festivities, she will say, “The best man? Well, they say that the best man + wins... Ha! Ha! Ha!” This puts her in class G 6 without further + examination, and your only hope of prolonging your life throughout the + next two days lies in the frequent and periodic administration of + stimulants. + </p> + <h3> + THE BACHELOR DINNER AND AFTER + </h3> + <p> + That evening the groom gives for the best man and the ushers what is known + as a “bachelor dinner.” It is his farewell to his men friends as he passes + out of the state of bachelorhood. The formal passing out generally occurs + toward the end of the dinner, and is a quaint ceremony participated in by + most of those present. + </p> + <p> + It is customary for the best man to wake up about noon of the following + day. You will not have the slightest idea as to where you are or how you + got there. You will be wearing your dress trousers, your stiff or pleated + bosom dress shirt, black socks and pumps, and the coat of your pajamas. In + one hand you will be clutching a chrysanthemum. After a few minutes there + will come a low moan from the next bed. That is usually the groom, also in + evening dress with the exception that he has tried to put on the trousers + of your pajamas over his dress trousers. You then say, “What happened?” to + which he replies, “Oh, Judas.” You wait several minutes. In the next room + you hear the sound of a shower bath and some one whistling. The bath + stops; the whistling continues. The door then opens and there enters one + of the ushers. He is the usher who always “feels great” the next day after + the bachelor dinner. He says to you, “Well, boys, you look all in.” You do + not reply. He continues, “Gosh, I feel fine.” You make no response. He + then begins to chuckle, “I don’t suppose you remember,” he says, “what you + said to the bride’s mother when I brought you home last night.” You sit + quickly up in bed. “What did I say?” you ask. “Was I tight?” “Were you + tight?” he replies, still chuckling. “Don’t you remember what you said? + And don’t you remember trying to get the bride’s father to slide down the + banisters with you? Were you tight—Oh, my gosh!” He then exits, + chuckling. Statistics of several important life insurance companies show + that that type of man generally dies a violent death before the age of + thirty. + </p> + <h3> + THE REHEARSAL + </h3> + <p> + The rehearsal for the wedding is usually held in the church on the + afternoon preceding the day of the nuptials. The ushers, of course, are an + hour late, which gives the bridegroom (Bap.) an opportunity to meet the + minister (Epis.) and have a nice, long chat about religion, while the best + man (Atheist) talks to the eighty-three year old sexton who buried the + bride’s grandpa and grandma and has knowed little Miss Dorothy come twenty + years next Michaelmas. The best man’s offer of twenty-five dollars, if the + sexton will at once bury the maid of honor, is generally refused as a + matter of courtesy. + </p> + <h3> + THE BRIDAL DINNER + </h3> + <p> + In the evening, the parents of the bride give the bridal dinner, to which + all the relatives and close friends of the family are invited. Toasts are + drunk in orange juice and rare old Virginia Dare wine, and much + good-natured fun is indulged in by all. Speeches are usually made by the + bride and groom, their parents, the best man, the maid of honor, the + minister and Aunt Harriet. + </p> + <p> + Just a word about the speeches at a bridal dinner. Terrible! + </p> + <h3> + A CHURCH WEDDING + </h3> + <p> + On the day of the wedding the ushers should arrange to be at the church an + hour or so in advance of the time set for the ceremony. They should be + dressed in cutaways, with ties, gloves and gardenias provided by the + groom. + </p> + <p> + It is the duty of the best man to dress the bridegroom for the wedding. As + you enter his room you see, lying half-dressed on the bed, a pale, wan, + emaciated creature, who is staring fixedly at the ceiling. It is the happy + bridegroom. His lips open. He speaks feebly. “What time is it?” he says. + You reply, “Two-thirty, old man. Time to start getting dressed.” “Oh, my + God!” says the groom. Ten minutes pass. “What time is it?” says the groom. + “Twenty of three,” you reply. “Here’s your shirt.” “Oh, my God!” says the + groom. + </p> + <p> + He takes the shirt and tries to put it on. You help him. “Better have a + little Scotch, old man,” you say. “What time is it?” he replies. “Five of + three,” you say. “Oh, my God!” says the groom. + </p> + <p> + At three-thirty you and he are dressed in cutaways and promptly at + three-forty-two you arrive at the church. You are ushered into a little + side room where it is your duty to sit with the corpse for the few brief + hours which elapse between three-forty-five and four o’clock. Occasionally + he stirs and a faint spark of life seems to struggle in his sunken eyes. + His lips move feebly. You bend over to catch his dying words. “Have—you—got—the + ring?” he whispers. “Yes,” you reply. “Everything’s fine. You look great, + too, old man.” The sound of the organ reaches your ears. The groom groans. + “Have you got the ring?” he says. + </p> + <p> + Meanwhile the ushers have been performing their duty of showing the + invited guests to the various pews. A correctly trained usher will always + have ready some cheery word or sprightly bit of conversation to make the + guests feel perfectly at home as he conducts them to their seats. “It’s a + nice day, isn’t it?” is suggested as a perfectly safe and yet not too + unusual topic of conversation. This can be varied by remarking, “Isn’t it + a nice day?” or in some cases, where you do not wish to appear too + forward, “Is it a nice day, or isn’t it?” An usher should also remember + that although he has on a cutaway, he is neither a floor-walker nor a bond + salesman, and remarks such as “Something in a dotted Swiss?” or “Third + aisle over—second pew—next the ribbon goods,” are decidedly + <i>non au fait</i>. + </p> + <p> + The first two pews on each side of the center aisle are always reserved + for members of the immediate family, but it is a firmly established custom + that the ushers shall seat in these “family pews” at least three people + with whom the family are barely on speaking terms. This slight error + always causes Aunt Nellie and Uncle Fred to sit up in the gallery with the + family cook. + </p> + <p> + With the arrival of the bride, the signal is given to the organist to + start the wedding march, usually either Mendelssohn’s or Wagner’s. About + this time the mother of the bride generally discovers that the third + candle from the left on the rear altar has not been lighted, which causes + a delay of some fifteen minutes during which time the organist improvises + one hundred and seventy-three variations on the opening strains of the + march. + </p> + <p> + Finally all is adjusted and the procession starts down the aisle led by + the ushers swaying slowly side by side. It is always customary for three + or four of the eight ushers to have absolutely no conception of time or + rhythm, which adds a quaint touch of uncertainty and often a little humor + to the performance. + </p> + <p> + After the Scotch mist left by the passing ushers has cleared, there come + the bridesmaids, the maid of honor, and then, leaning on her father’s arm + (unless, of course, her father is dead), the bride. + </p> + <p> + In the meantime, the bridegroom has been carried in by the best man and + awaits the procession at the foot of the aisle, which is usually four + hundred and forty yards long. The ushers and bridesmaids step awkwardly to + one side; the groom advances and a hush falls over the congregation which + is the signal for the bride’s little niece to ask loudly, “What’s that + funny looking man going to do, Aunt Dotty?” + </p> + <p> + Then follows the religious ceremony. + </p> + <p> + Immediately after the church service, a reception is held at the bride’s + home, where refreshments are served and two hundred and forty-two invited + guests make the same joke about kissing the bride. At the reception it is + customary for the ushers and the best man to crawl off in separate corners + and die. + </p> + <p> + The wedding “festivities” are generally concluded with the disappearance + of the bride, the bridegroom, one of the uninvited guests and four of the + most valuable presents. + </p> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image14.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="The Man of Refinement Controls His Emotions" /> +<span class="caption"><i>The man of culture and refinement, while always +considerate to those beneath him in station, never, under any circumstances, +loses control of his emotions for an instant. Though the gentleman-rider in the +picture may be touchingly fond of his steeplechase horse, it is unpardonably +bad form for him to make an exhibition of his affection while going over the +brush in plain view of numbers of total strangers. In doing so he simply is +making a “guy” of himself, and it is no more than he deserves if +those in the gallery raise their eyebrows at each other and smile +knowingly.</i></span> +</div> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image15.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Comparative Advantages of the Pen—the Phone" /> +<span class="caption"><i>The Romans had a proverb, “Litera scripta +manet,” which means “The written letter remains.” The subtle +wisdom of these words was no doubt well known to the men of the later +Paleolithic Age before them, but evidently the gentleman in the engraving never +heard of it. If he had kept this simple little rule of social correspondence in +mind he would have avoided the painful experience of hearing his obsolete +emotions exposed to the eager ears of twelve perfect strangers. It is customary +nowadays for unmarried elder sons of our most aristocratic families to express +their appreciation of the qualities of fascinating bachelor girls over the +sensible, though plebeian, telephone.</i></span> +</div> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2><a name="chap03"></a>CHAPTER THREE:<br/>THE ETIQUETTE OF TRAVEL</h2> + + <p> + The etiquette of travel, like that of courtship and marriage, has + undergone several important changes with the advent of “democracy” and the + “mechanical age.” Time was when travel was indulged in only by the better + classes of society and the rules of travellers’ etiquette were well + defined and acknowledged by all. But Yankee ingenuity has indeed brought + the “mountain to Mahomet”; the “iron horse” and the “Pullman coach” have, + I believe, come to stay, bringing with them many new customs and manners + for the well-bred gentleman or lady who would travel correctly. Truly, the + “old order changeth” and it is, perhaps, only proper that one should keep + (if you will pardon the use of the word), “abreast” of the times. + </p> + <h3> + HINTS FOR THE CORRECT PEDESTRIAN + </h3> + <p> + Let us suppose, for example, that you are a young gentleman of established + social position in one of the many cities of our great middle west, and it + is your desire to travel from your home to New York City for the purpose + of viewing the many attractions of that metropolis of which I need perhaps + only mention the Aquarium or Grant’s Tomb or the Eden Musee. Now there are + many ways of getting to New York, such as (a) on foot, (b) via “rail”; it + should be your first duty to select one of these methods of + transportation. Walking to New York (“a” above) is often rejected because + of the time and effort involved and it is undoubtedly true that if one + attempted to journey afoot from the middle west one would probably be + quite fatigued at the end of one’s journey. The etiquette of walking, + however, is the same for short as for long distances, and I shall at this + point give a few of the many rules for correct behavior among pedestrians. + </p> + <p> + In the first place, it is always customary in a city for a young lady, + either accompanied or unaccompanied, to walk on the sidewalk. A young + “miss” who persists in walking in the gutters is more apt to lose than to + make friends among the socially “worth while.” + </p> + <p> + Gentlemen, either with or without ladies, are never seen walking after + dark in the sewers or along the elevated, tracks. + </p> + <p> + It is not <i>au fait</i> for gentlemen or ladies wearing evening dress to “catch + on behind” passing ice wagons, trucks, etc.; the time and energy saved are + doubtfully repaid should one happen to be driven thus past other members + of one’s particular social “set.” + </p> + <p> + Ladies walking alone on the street after dark do not speak to gentlemen + unless they have been previously introduced or are out of work with winter + coming on. + </p> + <p> + A gentleman walking alone at night, when accosted by a young woman whom he + has not met socially, removes his hat politely, bows and passes on, unless + she looks awfully good. + </p> + <p> + Débutantes meeting traffic policemen always bow first in America; in the + Continental countries, with their age-old flavor of aristocratic court + life, this custom is reversed. + </p> + <p> + A bachelor, accompanied by a young unmarried woman, when stepping + accidentally into an open coal or sewer hole in the sidewalk, removes his + hat and gloves as inconspicuously as possible. + </p> + <p> + It is never correct for young people of either “sex” to push older ladies + in front of swiftly approaching motor vehicles or street cars. + </p> + <p> + A young man, if run over by an automobile driven by a strange lady, should + lie perfectly still (unless dead) until an introduction can be arranged; + the person driving the car usually speaks first. + </p> + <p> + An unmarried woman, if run into and knocked down by a taxicab driven by + someone in her own “set,” usually says “Why the hell don’t you look where + you’re going?” to which the taxi driver, removing his hat, replies “Why + the hell don’t <i>you?</i>” + </p> + <p> + A correct costume for gentlemen walking in the parks or streets of a city, + either before or after dark, consists of shoes (2), socks (2), + undergarments, trousers, shirt, necktie, collar, vest, coat and hat. For + pedestrians of the “opposite” sex the costume is practically the same with + the exception of the socks, trousers, shirt, necktie, collar, vest and + coat. However, many women now affect “knickerbockers” and <i>vice versa</i>. + </p> + <p> + A young lady of good breeding, when walking alone, should not talk or + laugh in a loud boisterous manner. “Capers” (e. g. climbing trees, etc.), + while good exercise and undoubtedly fashionable in certain “speedy” + circles, are of questionable taste for ladies, especially if indulged in + to excess or while walking with young gentlemen on the Sabbath. Sport is + sport, and no one loves a stiff game of “fives” or “rounders” more than I, + but the spectacle of a young unmarried lady and her escort hanging by + their limbs on the Lord’s Day from the second or third cross arm of an + electric telegraph pole is certainly carrying things a bit too far, in my + opinion, even in this age of “golf” and lawn “tennis.” + </p> + <p> + A young gentleman escorting a young lady on foot to a formal ball or the + opera should walk on the outside, especially if they are both in evening + dress and have a long distance to go. It is never incorrect to suggest the + use of a street car, or as one gets near the Opera House, a carriage or a + “taxicab.” + </p> + <p> + A young man walking with a young lady, when accosted by a beggar, always + gives the beggar something unless the young lady is his wife or his + sister. + </p> + <p> + So much for pedestrians. I can not, of course, pretend to give here all + the rules for those who “go afoot” and I can only say that the safest + principle for correct behavior in this, as in many social matters, is the + now famous reply Thomas Edison once made to the stranger who asked him + with what he mixed his paints in order to get such marvellous effects. + “One part inspiration,” replied the great inventor, “and NINE parts + perspiration.” In other words, etiquette is not so much a matter of + “genius” as of steady application to small details. + </p> + <h3> + TRAVELLING BY RAIL + </h3> + <p> + In America much of the travelling is done by “rail.” The etiquette of + railroad behavior is extremely complicated, especially if one is forced to + spend the night <i>en route</i> (on the way) and many and ludicrous are the + mistakes made by those whose social training has apparently fitted them + more for a freight car than for an up-to-date “parlor” or “Pullman” coach. + </p> + <h3> + GOOD FORM ON A STREET CAR + </h3> + <p> + Let us, first of all, however, take up some of the simpler forms of rail + transportation, such as, for example, the electric street or “tram” car + now to be seen on the main highways and byways of all our larger cities. + The rules governing behavior on these vehicles often appear at first quite + complicated, but when one has learned the “ropes,” as they say in the + Navy, one should have no difficulty. + </p> + <p> + An elderly lady with a closed umbrella, for example, desiring to take a + street car, should always stand directly under a large sign marked “Street + Cars Do Not Stop On This Corner.” As the car approaches she should run + quickly out to the car tracks and signal violently to the motorman with + the umbrella. As the car whizzes past without stopping she should cease + signalling, remark “Well I’ll be God damned!” and return to the curbstone. + After this performance has been repeated with three successive cars she + should then walk slowly out and lie down, in a dignified manner, across + the car tracks. In nine cases out of ten the motorman of the next “tram” + will see her lying there and will be gentleman enough to stop his car. + </p> + <p> + When this happens the elderly lady should get quietly up from the street + and stand outside the door marked “Exit Only” until the motorman opens it + for her. She should then enter with the remark, “I signalled to three cars + and not one of them stopped,” to which the motorman will reply, “But, + lady, that sign there says they don’t stop on this corner.” The lady + should then say “What’s your number—I’m going to report you.” + </p> + <p> + After taking his number she should enter the car. At the opposite end of + the vehicle there will undoubtedly be three or four vacant seats; instead + of taking one of these she should stand up in front of some young man and + glare at him until he gets up and gives her his place. + </p> + <p> + It is not customary in American cities for ladies to thank gentlemen who + provide them with seats. + </p> + <p> + After a few minutes she should turn to the man at her right and ask “Does + this car go to Madison Heights?” He will answer “No.” She should then turn + to the man on her left and ask “Does this car go to Madison Heights?” He + will answer “No.” Her next question—“Does this car go to Madison + Heights?”—should be addressed to a man across the aisle, and the + answer will be “No.” She should then listen attentively while the + conductor calls out the names of the streets and as he shouts “Blawmnoo!” + she should ask the man at her right “Did he say Madison Heights?” He will + reply “No.” At the next street the conductor will shout “Blawmnoo!” at + which she should ask “Did he say Madison Heights?” Once more the answer + will be in the negative. The car will proceed, the conductor will now call + “Blawmnoo!” and as the elderly lady once more says “Did he say Madison + Heights?” the man at her left, the man at her right, the man across the + aisle and eight other male passengers will shout “YES!” + </p> + <p> + It is then correct for her to pickup her umbrella and, carefully waiting + until the conductor has pulled the “go ahead” signal, she should cry “Wait + a minute, conductor—I want to get off here.” The car will then be + stopped and she should say “Is this Madison Heights?” to which the + conductor will reply “This ain’t the Madison Heights car, lady.” She + should then say “But you called out Madison Heights,” to which he will + answer “No, lady—that’s eight miles in the opposite direction.” She + should then leave the street car, not forgetting, however, to take the + conductor’s number again. + </p> + <p> + The above hints for “tram” car etiquette apply, of course, only to elderly + ladies. For young men and women the procedure would be in many cases quite + different. A young married woman, for example, on entering a street car, + should always have her ticket or small “change” so securely buried in the + fourth inside pocketbook of her handbag that she cannot possibly find it + inside of twelve minutes. Three or more middle-aged ladies, riding + together, should never decide as to who is to pay the fare until the + conductor has gone stark raving mad. + </p> + +<div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> +<img src="images/image16.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Hints on Homely Young Ladies at a Dance" /> +<span class="caption"><i>Her conduct has stamped the young lady as a provincial +and it is not to be wondered at if suppressed titters and half audible chuckles +follow her about the room.</i> <small>PERFECT BEHAVIOR</small> <i>would have +taught her that it is not the prerogative of a muddy-complexioned +dud—even if she has had only one dance and her costume is very +expensive—to cut in on a gentleman (by grabbing his neck or any other +method) when he is dancing with the wide-eyed beauty from the South who leaves +in five minutes to catch a train. He will be within his rights when, at the end +of five minutes, after three unsuccessful attempts to loosen her grip, he will +carry her into the garden under false pretences and there play the hose on her +until she drowns.</i></span> +</div> + +<div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> +<img src="images/image17.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="The Law of Reprisal in Etiquette" /> +<span class="caption"><i>They are leaving the home of an intimate friend of +several weeks’ standing, after having witnessed a Private Theatrical. +Both feel that some return should be made for their hostess’s kindness +but neither is certain as to just what form the return should take. The Book +of</i> <small>PERFECT BEHAVIOR</small> <i>would have pointed out to them that +the only adequate and satisfactory revenge for this sort of thing is to invite +the lady, as soon as possible without exciting her suspicion, to attend an +Italian opera or a drawing-room musicale.</i></span> +</div> + + <h3> + IN THE SUBWAY + </h3> + <p> + The rules governing correct behavior in the underground “subway” systems + of our great cities (particularly the New York subways) are, however, much + more simple and elemental than the etiquette for surface cars. In the + subway, for example, if you are a married man and living with your wife, + or head of a family, i. e., a person who actually supports one or more + persons living in (or under) his (or her) household on the last day of the + preceding calendar year, provided that such person or persons shall not on + or before July 1 or if July 1 shall fall on a Sunday then on the day + nearest preceding July 1, himself (or themselves) have filed a separate + report as provided in paragraph (g), you should precede a lady when + entering, and follow a lady when leaving, the train. + </p> + <h3> + A HONEYMOON IN A SUBWAY + </h3> + <p> + On the other hand, a wedding or a “honeymoon” trip in a subway brings up + certain problems of etiquette which are entirely different from the above. + Let us suppose, for example, that the wedding takes place at high noon in + exclusive old “Trinity” church, New York. The nearest subway is of course + the “Interborough” (West Side) and immediately after the ceremony the + lucky couple can run poste haste to the “Battery” and board a Lenox Ave. + Local. Arriving at romantic Chambers St. they should change at once to a + Bronx Park Express which will speedily whizz them past 18th St., 23rd St. + and 28th St. to the Pennsylvania Station where they can again transfer, + this time to a Broadway Local. In a jiffy and two winks of an eye they + will be at Times Square, the heart of the “Great White Way” (that Mecca of + pleasure seekers and excitement lovers) where they can either change to a + Broadway Express, journeying under Broadway to historic Columbia + University and Harlem, or they can take the busy little “shuttle” which + will hurry them over to the Grand Central Station. There they can board + the aristocratic East Side Subway, either “up” or “down” town. The trip + “up town” (Lexington Ave. Express) passes under some of the better class + residential districts, but the journey in the other direction is perhaps + more interesting, including as it does such stops as 14th St., Brooklyn + Bridge, Fulton Street, Wall Street (the financial center) etc., not to + mention a delightful passage under the East River to Brooklyn, the city of + homes and churches. Thus without getting out of their seats the happy pair + can be transported from one fascinating end of the great city to the other + and when they have exhausted the possibilities of a honeymoon in the + Interborough they can change, with the additional cost of only a few cents + apiece, to the B. R. T. or the Hudson Tubes which will gladly carry them + to a thousand new and interesting places—a veritable Aladdin’s lamp + on rails. + </p> + <h3> + TRAVELLING UNDER STEAM + </h3> + <p> + And now we come to that most complex form of travel—the railroad + journey. Let us suppose that instead of attempting to walk to New York you + have elected to go on the “train.” On the day of your departure you should + carefully pack your bag or suitcase, taking care to strap and lock it + securely. You can then immediately unstrap and unlock it in order to put + in the tooth paste and shaving brush which you forgot to bring from the + bathroom. + </p> + <p> + Arriving at the station promptly on the time scheduled for the train to + depart you will find that because of “daylight saving time” you have + exactly an hour to wait. The time, however, can be amusingly and + economically spent in the station as follows: 11 weighing machines @.01 + =.11; 3 weighing machines @.05 =.15; 1 weighing machine (out of order).09; + 17 slot machines (chocolate and gum) @.01 =.17. Total cost—.50, + unless, of course, you eat the chocolate. + </p> + <p> + Upon the arrival of the train you consult your ticket to find that you + have “lower 9” in car 43. Walking back to the end of the train and + entering car 43 you will find, in berth number 9, a tired woman and two + small children. You will also find a hat box, a bird cage, a bag of + oranges, a bag of orange peelings, a shoe-box of lunch, a rag doll, a toy + balloon, half a “cookie” and 8,000,000 crumbs. The tired woman will then + say to you “Are you the gentleman who has the lower berth?” to which you + answer “Yes.” She will then say “Well say—we’ve got the upper—and + I wonder if you would mind—” “Not at, all,” you reply, “I should be + only too glad to give you my lower.” This is always done. + </p> + <p> + After you have seated yourself and the train has started the lady’s little + boy will announce, “I want a drink, Mama.” After he has repeated this + eleven times his mother will say to you “I wonder if you would mind + holding the baby while I take Elmer to get a drink?” + </p> + <p> + The etiquette of holding babies is somewhat difficult for bachelors to + master at first as there are no hard and fast rules governing conduct + under these circumstances. An easy “hold” for beginners and one which is + difficult for the ordinary baby to break consists in wrapping the left and + right arms firmly around the center of the child, at the same time + clutching the clothing with the right hand and the toes with the left and + praying to God that the damn thing won’t drop. + </p> + <p> + In this particular case, after Elmer and his mother have gone down the + aisle after a drink, the baby which you are holding will at once begin to + cry. Now as every mother knows, and especially those mothers who have had + children, a baby does not cry without some specific reason and all that is + necessary in the present instance is to discover this reason. First of + all, the child may be merely hungry, in which case you should at once ask + the porter to bring you the a la carte menu. You should then carefully go + over the list of dishes with the infant, taking care to spell out and + explain such names as he may not understand. “How would you like some nice + assorted hors d’œuvres?” you say. “Waaaaa!” says the baby. “No hors + d’œuvres,” you say to the waiter. “Some blue points, perhaps—you + know, o-y-s-t-e-r-s?” You might even act out a blue point or two, as in + charades, so that the child will understand what you mean. In case, + however, the baby does not cease crying after having eaten the first three + or four courses, you should not insist on a salad and a dessert, for + probably it is not hunger which is occasioning the outcry. Perhaps it is a + pin, in which case you should at once bend every effort to the discovery + and removal of the irritant. The most generally accepted modern way of + effecting this consists in passing a large electro-magnet over every + portion of the child’s anatomy and the pin (if pin there be) will of + course at once come to light. Then, too, many small children cry merely + because they have swallowed something which does not agree with them, such + as, for example, a gold tooth or a shoe horn; the remedy in this case + consists in <i>immediately</i> feeding the child the proper counter irritant. + There is, really, no great mystery about the successful raising of + children and with a few common sense principles, such as presented above, + any mother may relieve herself of a great deal of useless anxiety. I hope + I may be pardoned for a digression here, but I feel very strongly that + “today’s babies are tomorrow’s citizens” and I do want to see them brought + up in the proper way. + </p> + <p> + But to return to our train. Perhaps by this time the mother and Elmer will + have returned and you will be relieved of further investigation as to the + cause of the infant’s discomfort. A few minutes later, however, little + Elmer will say “Mama, I want the window open.” This request will be duly + referred to you via the line of authority. It is then your duty to assume + a firm upright stance, with the weight evenly distributed on both feet, + and work for twelve minutes and thirty-nine seconds in a terrific struggle + to raise the windows. At the end of twelve minutes and forty seconds you + will succeed, the window will slowly go up, and the train will at once + enter a tunnel, filling the car and you with coal smoke. In the resulting + darkness and confusion you should seize little Elmer, throw him quickly + out of the open window and make your escape to the gentlemen’s smoking + compartment in the rear of your car. + </p> + <p> + In the “smoker” you will find three men. The first of these will be saying + “and he told me that a bootlegger he knew had cleaned up a thousand + dollars a week since January.” The second will say “Well down where I come + from there’s men who never took a drink before prohibition who get drunk + all the time now.” The third will say “Well, I tell you, men—the + saloon had to go.” + </p> + <p> + Provision for satisfying the “inner man” is now a regular part of the + equipment of all modern trains, and about 6:30 or 7 you should leave your + companions in the “smoker” and walk through the train until you reach the + “diner.” Here you will seat yourself at a table with three other + gentlemen, the first of whom will be remarking, as you sit down, “and I + know for a fact that this bootlegger is making over fifty thousand dollars + a year.” + </p> + <h3> + A CORRECT NIGHT IN A PULLMAN + </h3> + <p> + Before the days of modern railroads one could not very well travel over + night but now, thanks to Mr. Pullman, it is possible for the traveller to + go to bed en route and be every bit as snug and comfortable as the + proverbial insect in a rug. Shortly after dinner the porter will “make up” + the berths in the car and when you desire to retire for the night you + should ask him to bring you the ladder in order that you may ascend to + upper 9. While you are waiting you should stand in the aisle and remove + your coat, vest and shoes, and then begin to search for your suitcase + which you will finally locate by crawling on your chin and stomach under + berth number 11. When you again resume an upright position the train will + give a sudden lurch, precipitating you into berth number 12. A woman’s + voice will then say “Alice?” to which you should of course answer “No” and + climb quickly up the ladder into your proper berth. + </p> + <p> + A great deal of “to do” is often made of the difficulty involved in + undressing in an upper berth but most of this is quite uncalled for. + Experienced travellers now generally wait until the lights of the car have + been dimmed or extinguished when the disrobing can be done quite simply in + five counts, as follows: <i>One</i>—unloosen all clothing and lie flat on + the back. The respiration should be natural, easy and through the lungs. + The muscles should be relaxed; <i>Two</i>—pivoting on the back of the head + and neck, inhale quickly, at the same time drawing the muscles of the legs + and arms sharply under the body, as for a spring; <i>Three</i>—spring + suddenly upward and to the right (or left), catching the bell cord (which + extends along the roof of the train) with the teeth, hands and feet; <i>Four</i>—holding + firmly to the cord with the knees, describe a sudden arc downward with the + head and body, returning to position as soon as the shirt and undershirt + have dropped off into the aisle; <i>Five</i>—taking a firm hold on the cord + with the teeth, let go sharply with the knees. The trousers, etc., should + at once slide off, and you can (and, in fact, should) then swing yourself + quickly back into your berth and pajamas. + </p> + <p> + Once inside your “bunk” you should drift quickly off to slumberland, and + when you wake up it will be five minutes later and the————engineer + will be trying to see what he can do with an air brake and a few steel + sleeping cars. + </p> + <p> + In the morning you will be in New York. + </p> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2><a name="chap04"></a>CHAPTER FOUR:<br/>AT THE CONCERT AND THE OPERA</h2> + + <p> + In order to listen to music intelligently—or what is really much + more important—in order to give the appearance of listening to music + intelligently, it is necessary for the novice to master thoroughly two + fundamental facts. + </p> + <p> + The first, and most important of these, is that the letter “w” in Russian + is pronounced like “v”; the second, that Rachmaninoff has a daughter at + Vassar. + </p> + <p> + Not very difficult, surely—but it is remarkable how much enjoyment + one can get out of music by the simple use of these two formulas. With a + little practise in their use, the veriest tyro can bewilder her escort + even though she be herself so musically uninformed as to think that the + celeste is only used in connection with <i>Aïda</i>, or that a minor triad is + perhaps a young wood nymph. + </p> + <p> + One other important fundamental is that enthusiasm should never be + expressed for any music written after 1870; by a careful observance of + this rule one will constantly experience that delightful satisfaction + which comes with finding one’s opinions shared by the music critics in the + daily press. + </p> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image18.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Chivalry or the Instinct of Self-Preservation? A Fine Point" /> +<span class="caption"><i>The young lady in the picture has just laid out a +perfect drive. She had, unfortunately, neglected to wait until the gentleman +playing ahead of her had progressed more than fifteen yards down the fairway, +and her ball, traveling at a velocity of 1675 f.s., has caught the gentleman +squarely in the half-pint bottle. What mistake, if any, is the gentleman making +in chasing her off the course with his niblick, if we assume that she called +“Fore!” when the ball had attained to within three feet of the +gentleman?</i></span> +</div> + +<div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> +<img src="images/image19.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="An Inexperienced “Gun”" /> +<span class="caption"><i>You will exclaim, no doubt, on looking at the scene +depicted above, “Cherchez la femme.” It is, however, nothing so +serious as you will pardonably suppose. The gentleman is merely an +inexperienced “gun” at a shooting-party, who has begun following +his bird before it has risen above the head of his loader. This very clumsy +violation of the etiquette of sport proves, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that +he has learned to shoot from the comic papers, and that his coat-of-arms can +never again be looked upon as anything but bogus.</i></span> +</div> + + <h3> + LISTENING TO A SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA + </h3> + <p> + The first thing to do on arriving at a symphony concert is to express the + wish that the orchestra will play Beethoven’s Fifth. If your companion + then says “Fifth what?” you are safe with him for the rest of the evening; + no metal can touch you. If, however, he says “So do I”—this is a + danger signal and he may require careful handling. + </p> + <p> + The next step is a glance at the program. If your escort is quite good + looking and worth cultivating, the obvious remark is “Oh dear—not a + very interesting program, to-night. But George—<i>look</i> at what they are + playing next Thursday! My, I wish—.” If George shies at this, it can + be tried again later—say during an “appassionato” passage for the + violins and cellos. + </p> + <p> + As soon as the music starts, all your attention should be directed toward + discovering someone who is making a noise—whispering or coughing; + having once located such a creature, you should immediately “sh-sh” him. + Should he continue the offence, a severe frown must accompany the next + “sh-sh,” a lorgnette—if available—adding great effectiveness + to the rebuke. This will win you the gratitude of your neighbors and serve + to establish your position socially, as well as musically—for + perfect “sh-shers” do not come from the lower classes. + </p> + <p> + At the conclusion of the first number the proper remark is “hmmm,” + accompanied by a slow shake of the head. After this you may use any one of + a number of remarks, as for example, “Well, I suppose Mendelssohn appeals + to a great many people,” or “That was meaningless enough to have been + written by a Russian.” This latter is to be preferred, for it leads your + companion to say, “But don’t you like TschaiKOWsky?”, pronouncing the + second syllable as if the composer were a female bull. You can then reply, + “Why, yes, TschaiKOFFsky <i>did</i> write some rather good music—although + it’s all neurotic and obviously Teutonic.” Don’t fail to stress the “v.” + </p> + <p> + The next number on the program will probably be the soloist—say, a + coloratura soprano. Your first remark should be that you don’t really care + for the human voice—the reason being, of course, that symphonic + Music, ABSOLUTE music, has spoiled you for things like vocal gymnastics. + This leads your bewildered friend to ask you what sort of soloist you + prefer. + </p> + <p> + Ans.—Why, a piano concerto, of course. + </p> + <p> + Ques.—And who is your favorite pianist? + </p> + <p> + Ans.—Rachmaninoff. And then, before the boy has time to breathe + —SHOOT! <i>“Did you knoow that he has a daughter at Vassar?”</i> + </p> + <p> + Although not necessary, it might be well to finish off the poor fellow at + the end of the concert with one or two well placed depth bombs. My own + particular favorite for this is the following, accompanied by a low sigh: + “After all—Beethoven IS Beethoven.” + </p> + <h3> + CORRECT BEHAVIOR AT A PIANO RECITAL + </h3> + <p> + The same procedure is recommended for the piano or violin recital, with + the possible addition of certain phrases such as “Yes—of course, she + has technique—but, my dear, so has an electric piano.” This remark + gives you a splendid opportunity for sarcasm at the expense of Mr. Duo-Art + and other manufacturers of mere mechanical perfection; the word “soul”—pronounced + with deep feeling, as when repeating a fish order to a stupid waiter—may + be introduced effectively several times. + </p> + <p> + The program at these recitals is likely to be more complex than that at a + symphony concert. This is a distinct advantage, for it gives you a + splendid opportunity to catch some wretch applauding before the music is + really finished. Nothing is quite comparable to the satisfaction of + smiling knowingly at your neighbors when this <i>faux pas</i> is committed, + unless it be the joy of being the first to applaud at the <i>real</i> conclusion. + This latter course, however, is fraught with danger for the beginner; the + chances for errors in judgment are many, and the only sure way to avoid + anachronistic applause is to play the safe game and refrain altogether + from any expression of approval—a procedure which is heartily + recommended for the musically ignorant, it being also the practise among + the majority of the critics. + </p> + <h3> + IN A BOX AT THE OPERA + </h3> + <p> + The opera differs from the symphony concert, or piano recital, in the same + way that the army drill command of “At Ease!” differs from “Rest!” When + one of these orders (I never could remember which is given to a battalion + in formation), it signifies that talking is permitted; opera, of course, + corresponds to that command. + </p> + <p> + Before the invention of the phonograph it was often necessary for the + opera goer to pay some attention to the performance—at least while + certain favorite arias were being sung; this handicap to the enjoyment of + opera has now fortunately been overcome and one can devote one’s entire + attention to other more important things, safe in one’s knowledge that one + has Galli-Curci at home on the Vic. + </p> + <p> + In order really to get the most out of an opera a great deal of study and + preparation is required in advance; I have not space at this time to cover + these preliminaries thoroughly, but would recommend to the earnest student + such supplemental information as can be obtained from Lady Duff-Gordon, or + Messrs. Tiffany, Técla and Pinaud. + </p> + <p> + Upon entering one’s box the true opera lover at once assumes a musical + attitude; this should be practised at home, by my lady, before a mirror + until she is absolutely sure that the shoulders and back can be seen from + any part of the house. Then, with the aid of a pair of strong opera + glasses, she may proceed to scrutinize carefully the occupants of the + boxes—noting carefully any irregular features. Technical + phraseology, useful in this connection, includes “unearthly creature,” + “stray leopard” or, simply, “that person.” + </p> + <p> + Your two magical formulas—the Russian “w” and the sad story about + Rachmaninoff’s daughter—may, of course, be held in reserve—but + the chances are that you will be unable to use them, for during an evening + at the opera there will probably be no mention of music. + </p> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2><a name="chap05"></a>CHAPTER FIVE:<br/>ETIQUETTE FOR DRY AGENTS</h2> + + <h3> + SOME BROADER ASPECTS OF PROHIBITION + </h3> + <p> + In spite of the great pride and joy which we Americans feel over the + success of National Prohibition; in spite of the universal popularity of + the act and the method of its enforcement; in spite of the fact that it is + now almost impossible to obtain in any of our ex-saloons anything in the + least resembling whiskey or gin,—there still remains the distressing + suspicion that quite possibly, at some of the dinner parties and dances of + our more socially prominent people, liquor—or its equivalent—is + openly being served. Dry agents have, of course, tried on several + occasions to verify this suspicion; their praiseworthy efforts have met, + for the most part, with scant success. + </p> + <p> + The main difficulty has been, I believe, that the average dry agent is too + little versed in the customs and manners of polite society. It is + lamentably true that, too often, has a carefully planned society dry raid + been spoiled because the host noticed that one of his guests was wearing + white socks with a black tie, or that the intruder was using his dessert + spoon on the hors d’œuvres. + </p> + <p> + The solution of this difficulty lies, of course, in the gradual procuring + of a better class of dry agent. There are signs (though, unfortunately, in + the wrong direction) that some of our younger college generation are + already casting envious eyes toward the rich rewards, the social + opportunities and the exciting life of the professional bootlegger. + </p> + <p> + It might be well to interest some of these promising youngsters in the no + less exciting occupation of National Prohibition Enforcement Officer. At + present the chief difficulty seems to lie in the fact that, in our + preparatory schools and colleges, a young man acquires a certain code of + honor which causes him to look with distaste on what he calls pussyfooting + and sneaking. + </p> + <p> + People too often forget that, in order to make effective such a + universally beneficent law, any means are justified. It will be, I hope, + only a matter of years before this distrust of the “sneak” will have died + out, and the Dry Agent will come to be regarded with the reverence and + respect due to one who devotes his life to the altruistic investigation of + his neighbor’s affairs. + </p> + <h3> + THE COLLEGE GRADUATE AS DRY AGENT + </h3> + <p> + Then, too, many young college men are deterred from becoming Dry Agents by + thinking of the comparative scantiness of the monetary rewards. This + difficulty is only an imaginary one—for, luckily, as soon as a man’s + code of honor has been elevated to the extent that it permits him to take + up a career of pussy-footing there is generally eliminated at the same + time any objection he might have to what is often called bribery. Thus, by + a fortunate combination of circumstances, a Dry Agent is enabled to serve + mankind and, at the same time, greatly increase his own personal fortune. + </p> + <p> + But we cannot wait until our college graduates come to regard pussyfooting + as a career. We must do what we can with the material at our disposal. We + must in some way educate our present Dry Agents so that they can go to any + function in polite society and remain as inconspicuous and as completely + disregarded as the host. As a first step in such a social training I offer + the following suggestions, in the hope that before long no function will + be complete without the presence of four or five correctly dressed + National Prohibition Enforcement Officers, ready and eager to arrest the + host and hostess and all the guests on the slightest provocation. + </p> + <h3> + PLANNING A DRY RAID ON A MASQUERADE BALL + </h3> + <p> + Let us suppose, for example, that you are a Dry Agent and that your name + is Isador Eisenberg, and, one day, you and your chief are sitting around + the Dry Agent’s Club and he says to you, “Izzy—I see by the paper + that there’s a swell society masquerade ball to be given by the younger + married set tomorrow night at the Glen Cove Country Club. Take your squad + to cover it.” At this point you doubtless say, “Chief, I’m afraid I can’t + use my squad. My men have been disguised as trained seals all this week, + and tomorrow night, they are to raid all the actresses’ dressing rooms at + the Hippodrome” and then the Chief says, “Well, Izzy, you’ll have to rent + a costume and pull off the raid all by yourself.” + </p> + <h3> + A WORD ABOUT CORRECT COSTUMES + </h3> + <p> + Your first concern should be, of course, your costume. If you have a high + voice (although really there is no reason for supposing that all Dry + Agents have high voices), you might well attend the masquerade disguised + as a lady. One of the neatest and, on the whole, most satisfactory of + ladies’ disguises is that of Cleopatra. Cleopatra, as you know, was once + Queen of Egypt and the costume is quite simple and attractive. It may be, + however, that you would prefer to appear as a modern rather than an + ancient queen. A modern Queen (if one may judge from the illustrated + foreign periodicals) always wears a plain suit and carries a tightly + rolled umbrella. Should you care to attend the masquerade as an + allegorical figure—say “2000 Years of Progress”—you might wear + the Cleopatra costume and carry the umbrella. Or you might go attired as + some other less prominent member of the nobility—for instance, Lady + Dartmouth, whose delightful costume is more or less featured in the + advertising on our better class subways and street cars, and can be + obtained at a comparatively small cost at any reliable dry goods store. + </p> + <p> + Should you, however, feel that you would be more at ease in a male + costume, there are several suggestions which might cleverly conceal your + real identity. You might, for example, attend the ball as Jurgen—a + costume which would assure you a pleasurable evening and many pleasing + acquaintances. You might, with equal satisfaction, go as an Indian. + </p> + <p> + It occurs to me that it might even be a clever move to attend the party + dressed as a Dry Agent. All suspicion would be instantly lost in the + uproar of laughter which would greet your announcement of your disguise; + many men would probably so far enter into the spirit of the joke as to + offer you drinks from their flasks, and much valuable evidence could be + obtained in this way. And the costume is quite easy—simply wear a + pleated soft-bosom dress shirt with your evening dress, and tuck the ends + of your black tie under your collar. + </p> + +<div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> +<img src="images/image20.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Packets of Old Letters Make Acceptable Wedding Gifts" /> +<span class="caption"><i>Packets of old letters, bits of verse, locks of hair, +pressed flowers, inscribed books, photographs, etc., all make acceptable +wedding gifts. By telling you whether they should be presented to the Bride or +to the Groom</i> <small>PERFECT BEHAVIOR</small> <i>has, we feel, settled the +question of future happiness in many a new-made home.</i></span> +</div> + +<div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> +<img src="images/image21.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Correct Methods of Using Table Hardware" /> +<span class="caption"><i>You are, let us say, one of the Ushers attending the +Bachelor Dinner. You are handed a bottle of Chateau Lafitte ’69. Can you +select, from the diagram above, the proper implement to use in getting at its +contents? The correct methods of choosing and using table hardware are +explained in</i> <small>PERFECT BEHAVIOR</small>.</span> +</div> + +<div class="fig" style="width:70%;"> +<img src="images/image22.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="It Is Sometimes Best to Be Frank" /> +<span class="caption"><i>The young couple in the picture are trying to word a +plausible letter of regret in answer to an invitation to a house-party. Had +they consulted their</i> <small>PERFECT BEHAVIOR</small> <i>they would have +known that there is no plausible excuse for not accepting any invitation +whatever, and that the simplest and most dignified, method is to write the +attached model letter.</i></span> +</div> + + <h3> + GOOD FORM FOR DRY AGENTS DURING A RAID + </h3> + <p> + After the costume, you should arrange to obtain a mask and a breath. The + former is, of course, for the purpose of hiding your identity; the latter + is essential at any party where you wish to remain inconspicuous. A good + whisky breath can usually be obtained from a bottle of any of the better + known brands of Scotch or Rye whisky by holding a small quantity of the + liquor in the mouth for a short period of time. It is not, of course, + necessary to swallow the liquor and in this connection I would suggest + that you use only the best grade whisky, for there are at present being + manufactured for domestic consumption several brands which, if held in the + mouth for a longer interval than, say, three seconds, are apt to eat away + the tongue or dissolve several of your more important teeth. + </p> + <p> + On the night of the party, therefore, having donned your Dry Agent + costume, having put on your mask, having secured a good breath—you + jump into a taxicab and drive to the Glen Cove Country Club. And, as you + enter the door of the club, some girl, dressed, probably, as Martha + Washington, will run up and kiss you. This is not because she thinks you + are George Washington; it is because she drank that eighth Bronx cocktail + at dinner. + </p> + <p> + And right at this point is where most Dry Agents have displayed their + ignorance of the usages of polite society, for most of them are wofully + ignorant of the correct way to handle such a situation. Your average Dry + Agent, not being accustomed to the ways of Younger Marrieds, is often + confused upon being unexpectedly kissed, and in his confusion betrays his + unfortunate lack of social training. + </p> + <p> + The correct way to meet the above situation is based on the fundamental + rule of all social etiquette—common sense. Return the lady’s kiss in + an easy, natural manner and pass on. If she follows you, lead her at once + to a quiet unoccupied corner of the club and knock her over the head with + a chair or some other convenient implement. It has been found that this is + the only effective way to deal with this type of woman and it is really + only a kindness to her and her husband to keep her from embarrassing you + with her attentions during the rest of the evening. + </p> + <p> + After you have removed your coat, you should go to the ball room where you + will find the dance in full swing—full being of course used in its + common or alcoholic sense. Take your place in the stag line and don’t, + under any circumstances, allow anyone to induce you to cut in on any of + the dancers. In the first place, you won’t be able to dance because Dry + Agents, like Englishmen, never can; secondly, if you <i>try</i> to dance, you are + taking the enormous chance, especially at a masquerade, that the man who + introduced you to your partner will disappear for the rest of the evening, + leaving you with Somebody’s Albatross hanging around your neck. And, of + all Albatrosses, the married one is perhaps farthest South—especially + if she happens to be a little tight and wants to talk about her husband + and children. + </p> + <p> + Your policy, therefore, should be one of complete non-partisanship. If you + do not dance, do not let yourself be drawn into conversation, and do not, + above all things, show any consideration for the host or hostess. By + closely observing the actions of the men and women about you, by wandering + down into the club bar, by peeking into the automobiles parked outside the + club, you will probably be able to obtain sufficient evidence of the + presence of alcohol to justify a raid. And then, when you have raided the + Glen Cove Country Club, you can turn your attention to the 12,635,439 + other clubs and private houses where the same thing is going on. And, if + Mr. Volstead has a dress suit, you might take him with you, and show him + just how beautifully Prohibition is working and how enthusiastic the + better classes of American society are about it. + </p> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2><a name="chap06"></a>CHAPTER SIX:<br/>A CHAPTER FOR SCHOOLGIRLS</h2> + + <p> + Every Fall a larger number of young girls leave home to come East to the + various Finishing Schools in this section of the country. For the benefit + of those who are making this trip for the first time, we outline a few of + the more important points in connection with the preliminaries to the trip + East, together with minute instructions as to the journey itself. + </p> + <h3> + SELECTING A PROPER SCHOOL + </h3> + <p> + This is, of course, mainly a parent’s problem and is best solved by + resorting to the following formula: Let A and B represent two young girls’ + finishing schools in the East. Mrs. Raleigh-Jones (X), from the West, + sends her daughter to A; Mrs. Borax (Y), from the same city, sends her + daughter to B. Upon consulting the local social register, it is found that + Mr. Raleigh-Jones is a member of the Union, Colonial, Town and Country, + and Valley Hunt Clubs; upon consulting the telephone directory it is found + that the Boraxes live at 1217 S. Main Street, and that Mr. Borax is an + undertaker. Shall Mrs. F. B. Gerald (Z) send her daughter Annette to A or + to B, and why? + </p> + <p> + Answer: A, because life is real, life is earnest, and the grave is not its + goal. + </p> + <h3> + CORRECT EQUIPMENT FOR THE SCHOOLGIRL + </h3> + <p> + Having selected an educational institution, the next requisite is a + suitable equipment. Girls who live in other parts of the United States are + often surprised to discover that the clothes which they have purchased at + the best store in their home town are totally unsuited for the rough + climate of the East. I would, therefore, recommend the following list, + subject, of course, to variation in individual cases. + </p> +<p class="letter"> + 1 Dress, chine, crepe de, pink, for dancing.<br/> + 1 Dress, chine, crepe de, pink, for petting.<br/> + 1 Dress, Swiss, Dotted, blue, or<br/> + 1 Dress, Swiss, undotted, white.<br/> + 15 yards Tulle, best quality, pink.<br/> + 4 bottles perfume, domestic, or<br/> + 1 bottle, perfume, French.<br/> + 12 Dozen Dorine, men’s pocket size.<br/> + 6 Soles, cami, assorted.<br/> + 1 Brassiere, or riding habit.<br/> + 100 boxes aspirin, for dances and house-parties.<br/> + 1 wave, permanent, for conversation.<br/> + 24 waves, temporary.<br/> + 10,000 nets, hair.<br/> + 100,000 pins, hair.<br/> + 1 bottle Quelques Fleurs, for knockout. +</p> + <h3> + EN ROUTE + </h3> + <p> + After the purchase of a complete outfit, it will be necessary to say + goodbye to one’s local friends. Partings are always somewhat sad, but it + will be found that much simple pleasure may be derived from the last + nights with the various boys to whom one is engaged. + </p> + <p> + In this connection, however, it would be well to avoid making any rash + statements regarding undying friendship and affection, because, when you + next see Eddie or Walter, at Christmas time, you will have been three + months in the East, while they have been at the State University, and + really, after one starts dancing with Yale men—well, it’s a funny + world. + </p> + <p> + In case you do not happen to meet any friends on the train, the surest way + to protect yourself from any unwelcome advances is to buy a copy of the + <i>Atlantic Monthly</i> and carry it, in plain view. Next to a hare lip, this is + the safest protection for a travelling young girl that I know of; it has, + however, the one objection that all the old ladies on the train are likely + to tell you what they think of Katherine Fullerton Gerould, or their + rheumatism. + </p> + <p> + If you are compelled to go to the dining car alone, you will probably sit + beside an Elk with white socks, who will call the waiter “George.” Along + about the second course he will say to you, “It’s warm for September, + isn’t it?” to which you should answer “No.” That will dispose of the Elk. + </p> + <p> + Across the table from you will be a Grand Army man and his wife, going to + visit their boy Elmer’s wife’s folks in Schenectady. When the fish is + served, the Grand Army man will choke on a bone. Let him choke, but do not + be too hopeful, as the chances are that he will dislodge the bone. All + will go well until the dessert, when his wife will begin telling how + raspberry sherbet always disagrees with her. Offer her your raspberry + sherbet. + </p> + <p> + After dinner you may wish to read for a while, but the porter will + probably have made up all the berths for the night. It will also be found + that the light in your berth does not work, so you will be awake for a + long time; finally, just as you are leaving Buffalo, you will at last get + to sleep, and when you open your eyes again, you will be—in Buffalo. + </p> + <p> + There will be two more awakenings that night—once at Batavia, where + a merry wedding party with horns and cow bells will follow the lucky bride + and groom into your car, and once at Schenectady, where the Pullman car + shock-absorbing tests are held. The next morning, tired but unhappy, you + will reach New York. + </p> + <h3> + A JOURNEY AROUND NEW YORK + </h3> + <p> + <i>The Aquarium</i>. Take Fifth Avenue Bus to Times Square. Transfer to 42nd + Street Crosstown. Get off at 44th Street, and walk one block south to the + Biltmore. The most interesting fish will be found underneath the hanging + clock, near the telephone booths. + </p> + <p> + <i>Grant’s Tomb</i>. Take Fifth Avenue bus, and a light lunch. Change at + Washington Square to a blue serge or dotted Swiss. Ride to the end of the + line, and walk three blocks east. Then return the same way you came, + followed by three fast sets of tennis, a light supper and early to bed. If + you do not feel better in the morning, cut out milk, fresh fruit and + uncooked foods for a while. + </p> + <p> + <i>Metropolitan Museum of Art</i>. Take Subway to Brooklyn. (Flatbush.) Then ask + the subway guard where to go; he will tell you. + </p> + <p> + <i>The Bronx</i>. Take three oranges, a lemon, three of gin, to one of vermouth, + with a dash of bitters. Serve cold. + </p> + <p> + <i>The Ritz</i>. Take taxicab and fifty dollars. If you have only fifty dollars + the filet of sole Marguéry is very good. + </p> + <p> + <i>Brooklyn Bridge</i>. Terrible. And their auction is worse. + </p> + <p> + When you have visited all these places, it will probably be time to take + the train to your school. + </p> + <h3> + THE FIRST DAYS IN THE NEW SCHOOL + </h3> + <p> + The first week of school life is apt to be quite discouraging, and we can + not too emphatically warn the young girl not to do anything rash under the + influence of homesickness. It is in this initial period that many girls, + feeling utterly alone and friendless, write those letters to boys back + home which are later so difficult to pass off with a laugh. It is during + this first attack of homesickness also that many girls, in their + loneliness, recklessly accept the friendship of other strange girls, only + to find out later that their new acquaintance’s mother was a Miss + Gundlefinger of Council Bluffs, or that she lives on the south side of + Chicago. We advise: Go slow at first. + </p> + <h3> + BECOMING ACCLIMATIZED + </h3> + <p> + In your first day at school you will be shown your room; in your room you + will find a sad-eyed fat girl. You will be told that this will be your + room mate for the year. You will find that you have drawn a blank, that + she comes from Topeka, Kan., that her paw made his money in oil, and that + she is religious. You will be nice to her for the first week, because you + aren’t taking any chances at the start; you will tolerate her for the rest + of the year, because she will do your lessons for you every night. + </p> + <p> + Across the hall from you there will be two older girls who are back for + their second year. One of them will remind you of the angel painted on the + ceiling of the Victory Theatre back home, until she starts telling about + her summer at Narragansett; from the other you will learn how to inhale. + </p> + <h3> + A VISITOR FROM PRINCETON + </h3> + <p> + About the middle of the first term your cousin Charley Waldron, that + freshman at Princeton, will write and say that he would like to come up + and see you. You go to Miss French and ask her if you can have your cousin + visit you. She sniffs at the “cousin” and tell’s you that she must have a + letter from Charley’s father, one from Charley’s minister, one from the + governor of your state, and one from some disinterested party certifying + that Charley has never been in the penitentiary, has never committed + arson, and is a legitimate child. After you have secured these letters, + Miss French will tell you that Charley will be allowed to see you next + Saturday from four till five. + </p> + <p> + Charley will come and will be ushered into the reception room. While he is + sitting there alone, the entire school will walk slowly, one by one, past + the open door and look in at him. This will cause Charley to perspire + freely and to wish to God he had worn his dark suit. + </p> + <p> + It is not at all likely that you will be allowed to go to New Haven during + your first year, which is quite a pity, as this city, founded in 1638, is + rich in historical interest. It was here, for example, in 1893, that Yale + defeated Harvard at football, and the historic Pigskin which was used that + day is still preserved intact. Many other quaint relics are to be seen in + and around the city of elms, mementos of the past which bring to the + younger generation a knowledge and respect for things gone. In the month + of June, for example, there is really nothing which quite conjures up for + the college youth of today a sense of the mutability and impermanence of + this mortal life so much as the sight of a member of the class of 1875 + after three days’ intensive drinking. <i>Eheu fugaces!</i> + </p> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image23.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="“Who Shall Write First?”" /> +<span class="caption"><i>“Who shall write first?” is a question that has + perplexed many a lady or gentleman who is anxious to do the correct thing + under any circumstances. A lady who has left town may send a brief note or + a “P. P. C.” (“pour prendre congé,” i.e., “to take leave”) card to a + gentleman who remains at home, if the gentleman is her husband and if she + has left town with his business partner. Neither the note nor the card + requires an acknowledgment, but many a husband takes pleasure in penning + his congratulations to the lady, concluding with an expression of + gratitude to his friend.</i></span> +</div> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2><a name="chap07"></a>CHAPTER SEVEN:<br/>THE ETIQUETTE OF GAMES AND SPORTS</h2> + + <h3> + GOLF AS A PASTIME + </h3> + <p> + “Golf” (from an old Scottish word meaning “golf”) is becoming increasingly + popular in the United States, and almost every city now has at least one + private club devoted to the pursuit of this stylish pastime. Indeed, in + many of our larger metropolises, the popular enthusiasm has reached such + heights that free “public” courses have been provided for the citizens + with, I may say, somewhat laughable results, as witness the fact that I + myself have often seen persons playing on these “public” courses in + ordinary shirts and trousers, tennis shoes, and <i>suspenders</i>. + </p> + <p> + The influence of this “democratization” on the etiquette of what was once + an exclusive sport has been, in many instances, deplorable, and I am sure + that our golf-playing forefathers would turn over in their graves were + they to “play around” today on one of the “public” courses. In no pastime + are the customs and unwritten laws more clearly defined, and it is + essential that the young lady or gentleman of fashion who contemplates an + afternoon on the “links” devote considerable time and attention to the + various niceties of the etiquette of this ancient and honorable game. + </p> + <p> + A young man, for example, when playing with his employer, should always + take pains to let his employer win. This is sometimes extremely difficult, + but with practice even the most stubborn of obstacles can be overcome. On + the first tee, for instance, after the employer, having swung and missed + the ball completely one or two times, has managed to drive a distance of + some forty-nine yards to the extreme right, the young man should take care + to miss the ball completely <i>three</i> times, and then drive forty-eight yards + to the extreme left. This is generally done by closing the eyes tightly + and rising up sharply on both toes just before hitting the ball. + </p> + <p> + On the “greens” it is customary for a young man to “concede” his employer + every “putt” which is within twenty feet of the hole. If the employer + insists on “putting” [Ed. note:—He won’t] and misses, the young man + should take care to miss his own “putt.” After both have “holed out,” the + young man should ask, “how many strokes, sir?” The employer will reply, + “Let me see—I think I took seven for this hole, didn’t I?” A + well-bred young man will not under any circumstances remind his employer + that he saw him use at least three strokes for the drive, three strokes + for his second shot, four strokes in the “rough,” seven strokes in the + “bunker,” and three “putts” on the “green,” but will at once reply, “No, + sir, I think you only took six, altogether.” The employer will then say, + “Well, well, call it six. I generally get five on this hole. What did you + take?” The young man should then laugh cheerily and reply, “Oh, I took my + customary seven.” To which the employer will sympathetically say, “Too + bad!” + </p> + <p> + After the employer has thus won his first three holes he will begin to + offer the young man advice on how to improve his game. This is perhaps the + most trying part of the afternoon’s sport, but a young man of correct + breeding and good taste will always remember the respect due an older man, + and will not make the vulgar error of telling his employer for God’s sake + shut up before he gets a brassie in his———— ear. + </p> + <p> + A wife playing with her husband should do everything in her power to make + the game enjoyable for the latter. She should encourage him, when + possible, with little cheering proverbs, such as, “If at first you don’t + succeed, try, try again,” and she should aid him with her advice when she + thinks he is in need of it. Thus, when he drives into the sycamore tree on + number eleven, she should say, “Don’t you think, dear, that if you aimed a + little bit more to the right....” et cetera. When they come to number + fourteen, and his second shot lands in the middle of the lake, she should + remark, “Perhaps you didn’t hit it hard enough, dear.” And when, on the + eighteenth, his approach goes through the second-story window of the + club-house, she should say, “Dear, I wonder if you didn’t hit that too + hard?” Such a wife is a true helpmate, and not merely a pretty ornament on + which a silly husband can hang expensive clothes, and if he is the right + sort of man, he will appreciate this, and refrain from striking her with a + niblick after this last remark. + </p> + <p> + A young wife who does not play the game herself can, nevertheless, be of + great help to her husband by listening patiently, night after night, while + he tells her how he drove the green on number three, and took a four on + number eight (Par five), and came up to the fourteenth one under fours. + Caddies should be treated at all times with the respect and pity due one’s + fellow creatures who are “unfortunate.” The sins of the fathers are + visited upon the children, and one should always remember that it is not, + after all, the poor caddy’s fault that he was born blind. + </p> + <h3> + AN AFTERNOON AT THE OLD FARM WITH THE DICE + </h3> + <p> + “Craps” is a game played with dice, which is often popular in the men’s + coat and smoking-rooms before and during formal receptions, balls, + recitals, etcetera. It should not be imagined, however, that “craps” is a + sport for men only; on the contrary, smart women are enthusiastically + taking up this sport in numerous localities, and many an affair which + started as a dinner party or a musicale has ended in a crap game, with all + the guests seated in an excited circle on the floor, contributing to the + host’s efforts to make expenses for the evening. + </p> + <p> + It is in connection with these “mixed” games, however, that most of the + more serious questions of “craps” etiquette arise. If, for example, you + are a young man desirous of “shooting craps” with your grandmother, the + correct way of indicating your desire when you meet the old lady in a + public place is for you to remove your hat deferentially and say “Shoot a + nickel, Grandmother?” If she wishes to play she will reply “Shoot, boy!” + and you should then select some spot suitable for the game and assist her, + if she wishes your aid, to kneel on the ground. It might be an added mark + of gentility to offer her your handkerchief or coat upon which to rest her + knees. + </p> + <p> + You should then take out the dice and “shoot.” Your grandmother will look + at your “throw” and say, “Oh, boy! He fives—he fives—a three + and a two—never make a five—come on, you baby seven!” You + should then take up the dice again and shake them in your right hand while + your grandmother chants, “A four and a three—a four and a two—dicety + dice, and an old black joe—come on, you SEVEN!” You should then + again “shoot.” This time, as you have thrown a six and a one, your + grandmother will then exclaim, “He sevens—the boy sevens—come + on to grandmother, dice—talk to the nice old lady—Phoebe for + grandma, dice, for grandpa needs a new pair of shoes—shoot a dime!” + </p> + <p> + She will then “throw,” and so the game will go on until the old lady + evidences a desire to stop, or, possibly, until either you or she are + “cleaned out.” In this latter case, however, it would be a customary act + of courtesy towards an older person for you to offer to shoot your + grandmother for her shawl or her side combs, thus giving her several more + chances to win back the money she has lost. It should be recommended that + young men never make a mistake in going a little out of their way on + occasion to make life more pleasant and agreeable for the aged. + </p> + <h3> + CORRECT BEHAVIOR ON A PICNIC + </h3> + <p> + There often comes a time in the life of the members of “society” when they + grow a little weary of the ceaseless round of teas, balls and dinners, and + for such I would not hesitate to recommend a “picnic.” + </p> + <p> + A day spent in the “open,” with the blue sky over one’s head, is indeed a + splendid tonic for jaded nerves. But one should not make the mistake of + thinking that because he (or she) is “roughing it” for a day, he (or she) + can therefore leave behind his (or her) “manners,” for such is not the + case. There is a distinct etiquette for picnics, and any one who + disregards this fact is apt to find to his (or her) sorrow that the “shoe” + in this case is decidedly “on the other foot.” + </p> + <p> + A young man, for example, is often asked by a young lady to accompany her + on a “family picnic.” To this invitation he should, after some + consideration, reply either “Yes” or “No,” and if the former, he should + present himself at the young lady’s house promptly on the day set for the + affair (usually Sunday). + </p> + <p> + A “family picnic” generally consists of a Buick, a father, a mother, a + daughter, a small son, beef loaf, lettuce sandwiches, a young man (you), + two blow-outs, one spare tire, and Aunt Florence. + </p> + <p> + The father drives with his small boy beside him; in the rear are the + mother, the daughter, Aunt Florence, the thermos bottles, the lunch + baskets and you. As you take your seat you must remember that it is a + distinct evidence of bad breeding to show in any way that you are + conscious of the fact that the car has been standing for the last hour and + forty-four minutes in the hot July sun. + </p> + <p> + “We’re off!” cries father, pressing his foot on the self-starting pedal. + Thirty minutes later you roll away from the curb and the picnic has begun. + The intervening time has, of course, been profitably spent by you in + walking to the nearest garage for two new sparkplugs. + </p> + <p> + It should be your duty, as guest, to see that the conversation in the rear + seat is not allowed to lag. “It’s a great day,” you remark, as the car + speeds along. “I think it’s going to rain,” replies Aunt Florence. “Not + too fast, Will!” says mother. “Mother!” says the daughter. + </p> + <p> + Ten minutes later you should again remark, “My, what a wonderful day!” + “Those clouds are gathering in the west,” says Aunt Florence, “I think we + had better put the top up.” “I think this is the wrong road,” says mother. + </p> + <p> + “Dear, I know what I’m doing,” replies father. + </p> + <p> + The secret of good conversation lies in discovering the “hobby” of the + person with whom one is conversing, and a good talker always throws out + several “feelers” in order to find out the things in which his partner is + most interested. You should, therefore, next say to mother, “Don’t you + think this is a glorious day for a picnic?” to which she will reply, + “Well, I’m sure this is the wrong road. Hadn’t you better ask?” The + husband will answer nothing, but Aunt Florence will murmur, “I think I + felt a drop of rain, Will. If you don’t put the top up now, we’ll all be + drenched.” + </p> + <p> + The husband will then stop the car, and you and he will proceed to put up + the top. In doing this, it is customary for the guest to get the second + and third fingers of his right hand so severely pinched that he can not + use the hand for several days. As soon as the top is up and the rain + curtains are in place the sun will come out and you can at once get out + and put the top down, taking care this time to ruin two fingers of the + <i>left</i> hand. + </p> + <p> + No good conversationalist confines himself exclusively to one subject, and + when you are once more “under way” you should remark to the mother, “I + think that motoring is great fun, don’t you, Mrs. Caldwell?” Her answer + will be, “I wish you wouldn’t drive so fast!” You should then smile and + say to Aunt Florence, “Don’t <i>you</i> think that motoring is great fun, Mrs. + Lockwood?” As she is about to reply, the left rear tire will blow out with + a loud noise and the car will come to a bumping stop. + </p> + <p> + The etiquette of changing a tire is fairly simple. As soon as the + “puncture” occurs one should at once remark, “Is there anything I can do?” + This request should be repeated from time to time, always taking care, + however, that no one takes it at all seriously. The real duty of a young + man who is a “guest” on a motor trip on which a “blow-out” occurs is, of + course, to keep the ladies of the party amused during the delay. This can + be accomplished by any of the conventional methods, such as card tricks, + handsprings, and other feats of athletic agility, or making funny jokes + about the host who is at work on the tire. + </p> + <p> + When the damage has been repaired and the car is once more speeding along, + leaving behind it mile after mile of dusty road as well as father’s best + “jack” and set of tire tools, the small boy will suddenly remark, “I’m + hungry.” His father will then reply, “We’ll be at a fine place to eat in + ten minutes.” Thirty minutes later mother will remark, “Will, that looks + like a good place for a picnic over there.” The father will reply, “No—we’re + coming to a wonderful place—just trust me, Mary!” Twenty minutes + later Aunt Florence will say, “Will, I think that grove over there would + be fine for our lunch,” to which the husband will reply, “We’re almost at + the place I know about—it’s ideal for a picnic.” Forty minutes after + this, father will stop the car and point to a clump of trees. “There,” he + will say, “what do you think of that?” “Oh, we can’t eat <i>there!</i>” will be + the answer of mother, daughter and Aunt Florence. “Drive on a bit further—I + think I know a place.” + </p> + <p> + Three hours and thirty minutes later (i. e. four hours past your normal + lunch hour) there will be another puncture and as the car stops beside a + wheat field it will begin to rain, and the daughter will sigh, “Well, we + might as well eat here.” The “picnic” will then be held in the car, and + nothing really quite carries one back to nature and primeval man as does + warm lemonade and a lettuce sandwich in a Buick with the top up and side + curtains on. + </p> + <p> + After lunch it will be time to return home, and after you and father have + ruined your clothes in repairing the punctures, the merry party will + proceed on its way. The next morning, if you have not caught pneumonia, + you will be able to go to your work greatly refreshed by your day’s outing + in the lap of old Mother Nature. + </p> + +<div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> +<img src="images/image24.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Correct Negotiations for a Seat in the Subway" /> +<span class="caption"><i>Nowhere is the etiquette of travel more abused than +our subways. The gentleman shown above is en route to his fiancée’s flat +in the Bronx. He has neglected to purchase the customary bouquet for his +intended and has offered his seat to the lady, who is standing, in exchange for +her corsage bouquet. Should she accept the proposition without further ado, or +should she request the guard to introduce the gentleman first?</i></span> +</div> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image25.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Old Fashioned Letter and Writers vs. Perfect Behavior" /> +<span class="caption"><i>The young lady has received an invitation to a +quilting-bee from a Mrs. Steenwyck and, anxious to make a correct reply, she +has bought a Complete Letter Writer to aid her to this end. To her surprise and +dismay, she finds that it contains three model replies to such an invitation +beginning “Dear Mrs. Peartree,” “Dear Mrs. Rombouts,” +and “Dear Mrs. Bevy,” and one invitation to a christening +beginning, “Dear Mrs. Steenwyck,” but no reply to an invitation to +a quilting-bee beginning “Dear Mrs. Steenwyck.”</i> <small>PERFECT +BEHAVIOR</small> <i>settles such perplexities.</i></span> +</div> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image26.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="What to Avoid in Crests" /> +<span class="caption"><i>Crests or other armorial bearings on notepaper are no +longer considered absolutely necessary to establish one’s social +position. Nevertheless, if one feels that note-paper that does not bear the +family escutcheon is not quite all that note-paper should be, it is permissible +to have it stamped neatly at the top of the first sheet. Care should be +exercised to avoid selecting coats-of-arms that might be recognized, such as +that of the United States or Great Britain. Rather solicit the taste of a good +stationer than commit the blunders depicted above.</i></span> +</div> + + <h3> + BOXING IN AMERICAN SOCIETY + </h3> + <p> + Although many of America’s foremost boxers have been persons whom one + would not care to know socially, yet much fun and pleasure can be had out + of the “manly art” if practised in a gentlemanly manner. + </p> + <p> + “Boxing parties” are generally held in the evening. The ballroom of one’s + home can be pleasantly decorated for the occasion, with a square ring + roped off in the centre surrounded by seats for the ladies and gentlemen + who come as invited guests. Evening dress is usually worn. + </p> + <p> + The contests should be between various members of one’s social “set” who + are fond of the sport and can be counted on to remember at all times that + they are gentlemen. + </p> + <p> + The matches should be arranged in tournament form, so that the winner of + one bout meets the winner of the next bout, et cetera, until all but two + have been eliminated. The boxer who wins this final contest shall be + proclaimed the “champion.” + </p> + <p> + Great fun can then be had by announcing that the “champion” will be + permitted to box three rounds with a “masked marvel.” The identity of this + “unknown” (who is usually Jack Dempsey or some other noted professional + pugilist) should be kept carefully secret, so that all the guests are in a + glow of mystified excitement when the contest begins, and you can imagine + their delight and happy enthusiasm when the “masked marvel” cleverly + knocks the “champion” for a double loop through the ropes into the lap of + some tittering “dowager.” + </p> + <p> + Refreshments should then be served and the “champion” can be carried home + in a car or ambulance provided by the thoughtful host. + </p> + <h3> + BRIDGE WHIST + </h3> + <p> + “Bridge whist,” or “Bridge,” as it is often called by the younger + generation, is rapidly replacing whist as the favorite card game of good + society, and “bridge” parties are much <i>en vogue</i> for both afternoon and + evening entertainments. In order to become an expert “bridge” player one + must, of course, spend many months and even years in a study of the game, + but any gentleman or lady of average intelligence can, I believe, pick up + the fundamentals of “bridge” in a short while. + </p> + <p> + Let us suppose, for example, that you, as a “young man about town,” are + invited to play “bridge” on the evening of Friday, November seventeenth, + at the home of Mrs. Franklin Gregory. Now, although you may have played + the game only once or twice in your life, it would never do to admit the + fact, for in good society one is supposed to play “bridge” just as one is + supposed to hate newspaper publicity, and on the evening of Friday, + November seventeenth, you should present yourself in suitable attire at + Mrs. Gregory’s home. + </p> + <p> + There you will find fifteen or twenty other guests, and after a few + minutes of light social banter a bell will ring and the players will take + their places. At your table will be Mrs. F. Jamison Dollings (your + partner) and Mr. and Mrs. Theodore Watts. Mrs. Dollings (Sept. 6, 1880) is + considered one of the most expert “bridge” players in the city, while Mr. + Watts has one of the largest retail clothing stores in the central part of + the State. Mrs. Watts was one of the Van Cortlandt girls (the plain one). + </p> + <p> + As you are probably (next to Mr. and Mrs. Watts) the worst “bridge” player + in the room it should be your duty to make up for this deficiency by + keeping the other three players conversationally stimulated, for nothing + so enlivens a game of “bridge” as a young man or woman with a pleasing + personality and a gift for “small talk.” Thus, at the very beginning, + after you have finished dealing the cards, you should fill in what seems + to you an embarrassing pause by telling one of your cleverest stories, at + the conclusion of which Mrs. Dollings will remark, “We are waiting for + your bid, Mr. S——.” + </p> + <p> + The etiquette of “bidding,” as far as you are concerned, should resolve + itself into a consistent effort on your part to become “dummy” for each + and every game. The minute your partner (Mrs. Dollings) bids anything, it + should be your duty as a gentleman to see that she gets it, no matter what + the cost. + </p> + <p> + Thus, on the first hand, you “pass.” Mr. Watts then says, “Wait a minute, + till I get these cards fixed”; to which Mrs. Watts replies, “Theodore, for + Heaven’s sake, how long do you want?” Mr. Watts then says, “Which is + higher—clubs or hearts?” to which Mrs. Watts replies, “Clubs.” Mrs. + Dollings then says, “I beg your pardon, but hearts have always been + considered higher than clubs.” Mrs. Watts says, “Oh, yes, of course,” and + gives Mr. Watts a mean look. Mr. Watts then says, “I bid—let’s see—I + bid two spades—no, two diamonds.” Mrs. Dollings quickly says, “Two + lilies,” Mr. Watts says, “What’s a lily?” to which Mrs. Watts replies, + “Theodore!” and then bids “Two spades,” at which Mrs. Dollings says, “I + beg your pardon, but I have just bid two spades.” Mr. Watts then chuckles, + and Mrs. Watts says (but not to Mr. Watts), “I beg your pardon.” Mrs. + Watts then bids “Three spades,” at which you quickly say, “Four spades.” + </p> + <p> + This bid is not “raised.” Mrs. Dollings then says to you, “I am counting + on your spades to help me out,” at which you look at the only spade in + your hand (the three) and answer, “Ha! Ha! Ha!” There is then a wait of + four minutes, at the end of which Mrs. Dollings wearily says, “It is your + first lead, is it not, Mrs. Watts?” Mrs. Watts then blushes, says, “Oh, I + beg your pardon!” and leads the four of hearts. You then lay down your + “dummy” hand. Before Mrs. Dollings has had time to discover just what you + have done to her, you should rise quickly and say, “Excuse me, but I want + to use the telephone a minute.” You should then go into the next room and + wait ten or fifteen minutes. When you return Mrs. Dollings will have + disappeared, Mrs. Watts will be looking fixedly at Mr. Watts, and Mr. + Watts will be saying, “Well, it’s a silly game, anyway.” + </p> + <p> + You and Mr. and Mrs. Watts can then have a nice game of twenty-five cent + limit stud poker for the rest of the evening, and it would certainly be + considered a thoughtful and gracious “gesture” if, during the next two or + three weeks, you should call occasionally at the hospital to see how Mrs. + Dollings is “getting on,” or you might even send some flowers or a nice + potted plant. + </p> + <h3> + FORMAL AND INFORMAL DRINKING + </h3> + <p> + “Drinking” has, of course, always been a popular sport among the members + of the better classes of society, but never has the enthusiasm for this + pastime been so great in America as since the advent of “prohibition.” + Gentlemen and ladies who never before cared much for “drinking” have now + given up almost all other amusements in favor of this fascinating sport; + young men and debutantes have become, in the last few years, fully as + expert in the game as their parents. In many cities “drinking” has become + more popular than “bridge” or dancing and it is predicted that, with a few + more years of “prohibition,” “drinking” will supersede golf and baseball + as the great American pastime. + </p> + <p> + The effect of this has been to change radically many of the fundamental + rules of the sport, and the influence on the etiquette of the game has + been no less marked. What was considered “good form” in this pastime among + our forefathers now decidedly <i>démodé</i>, and the correct drinker of 1910 is + as obsolete and out of date in the present decade as the “frock-coat.” + </p> + <p> + The game today is divided into (a) formal and (b) informal drinking. + “Formal drinking” is usually played after dinner and is more and more + coming to take the place of charades, sleight-of-hand performances, magic + lantern shows, “dumb crambo,” et cetera, as the parlor amusement <i>par + excellence</i>. “Formal drinking” can be played by from one to fifteen people + in a house of ordinary dimensions; for a larger number it is generally + better to provide a garage, a large yard, and special police, fire and + plate glass insurance. The game is played with glasses, ice, and a dozen + bottles of either whisky or gin. + </p> + <p> + The sport is begun by the host’s wife, who says, “How would you all like + to play a little bridge?” This is followed by silence. Another wife then + says, “I think it would be awfully nice to play a little bridge.” One of + the men players then steps forward and says “I think it would be awfully + nice to have a little drink.” + </p> + <p> + An “It” is then selected—always, by courtesy, the host. The “It” + then says, “How would you all like to have a little drink?” The men + players then answer in the affirmative and the “It’s” wife says, “Now + Henry dear, please—remember what happened last time.” The “It” + replies, “Yes, dear,” and goes into the cellar, while the “It’s” wife, + after providing each guest with a glass, puts away the Dresden china + clock, the porcelain parrot. and the gold fish globe. + </p> + <p> + Sides are chosen—usually with the husbands on one “team” and the + wives on the other. The purpose of the game is for the “husbands’, team” + to try to drink up all the “It’s” liquor before the “wives’ team” can get + them to go home. + </p> + <p> + When the “It” returns with the liquor he pours out a portion for each + player and at a given signal all drink steadily for several minutes. The + “It’s” wife then says, “Now—how about a few rubbers of bridge?” She + is immediately elected “team captain” for the rest of the evening. It is + the duty of the “team captain” to provide cracked ice and water, to get + ready the two spare bedrooms, to hold Wallie Spencer’s hand, to keep Eddie + Armstrong from putting his lighted cigaret ends on the piano, and to break + up the party as soon as possible. The game generally ends when (1) the + liquor is all gone, (2) the “It” (or three guests) have passed “out,” (3) + Wallie Spencer starts telling about his war experiences. “Informal” + drinking needs, of course, no such elaborate preparations and can be + played anywhere and any time there is anything to drink. The person who is + caught with the liquor is “It,” and the object of the game is to take all + the liquor away from the “It” as soon as possible. In order to avoid being + “It,” many players sometimes resort to various low subterfuges, such as + sneaking down alone to the club locker-room during a dance, but this + practise is generally looked upon with great disfavor—especially by + that increasingly large group of citizens who are unselfishly devoting + their lives to the cause of a “dry America” by consuming all of the + present rapidly diminishing visible supply. + </p> + <h3> + A JOLLY HALLOWE’EN PARTY + </h3> + <p> + The problem of providing suitable entertainment for one’s informal parties + is something which has perplexed many a host and hostess in recent years. + How often has it happened that just when you had gotten your guests nicely + seated around the parlor listening to the Caruso record, some ill-mannered + fellow would remark, “Oh, Lord—let’s go over to the Tom Phillips’ + and get something to drink.” How many times in the past have you prepared + original little “get-together” games, such as Carol Kennicott did in <i>Main + Street</i>, only to find that, when you again turned the lights on, half the + company had disappeared for the evening. + </p> + <p> + Of course we cannot all be as startlingly clever as Carol, but Hallowe’en, + which comes this year on October 31st, offers a splendid opportunity for + originality and “peppy” fun. The following suggestions are presented to + ambitious hostesses with the absolute guaranty that no matter what other + reactions her guests may have, they will certainly not be bored. + </p> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image27.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Care Should Be Exercised in the Choice of Post-Cards" /> +<span class="caption"><i>Few people realize the value of picture post-cards as +indicators of the birth, breeding, and character of the sender, yet nothing so +definitely “places” a person socially as his choice of these +souvenirs. Could you have selected the senders of the above cards?</i></span> +</div> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image28.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Cards Concealed about the Person Betray the Boor" /> +<span class="caption"><i>In spite of his haughty airs and fine clothes, the +gentleman betrays that he is not much accustomed to good society when, having +been asked by his hostess if he would care to remove his coat and waistcoat +during the warm evening of bridge, he, in doing so, reveals the presence of +several useful cards hidden about his person. This sort of thing, while often +tolerated at less formal “stag” poker-parties, is seldom, ever, +permissible when ladies are present. The young man was simply ignorant of the +fact that Hoyle and not Herman the Great is the generally accepted authority on +cards in the “beau monde.”</i></span> +</div> + + <h3> + INVITATIONS + </h3> + <p> + The whole spirit of Hallowe’en is, of course, one of “spooky” gayety and + light-hearted ghastliness. Witches and ghosts run riot; corpses dance and + black cats howl. “More work for the undertaker” should be the leitmotif of + the evening’s fun. + </p> + <p> + The moribund spirit can be delightfully observed, first of all, in the + preparation of the invitations. I know of one hostess, for instance, who + gained a great reputation for originality by enclosing a dead fish with + each bidding to the evening’s gayeties. It is, of course, not at all + necessary to follow her example to the letter; the enclosure of anything + dead will suffice, providing, of course, that it is not TOO dead. There is + such a thing as carrying a joke beyond the limits of propriety, and the + canons of good taste should always be respectfully observed. + </p> + <p> + Another amusing way of preparing invitations is to cut out colored paper + in the shape of cats, witches, etc., upon which appropriate verses are + inscribed. Such as: + </p> +<p class="poem"> + “Next Monday night is Hallowe’en,<br/> + You big stiff.”<br/> + or<br/> + “On Monday next comes All-Hallows-Even,<br/> + My grandmother’s maiden name was Stephens.”<br/> + or<br/> + “On Hallowe’en you may see a witch<br/> + If you don’t look out, you funny fellow.”<br/> + or<br/> + “Harry and I are giving a Hallowe’en party;<br/> + Harry says you owe him four dollars; please be prompt.<br/> + or<br/> + “Monday night the ghosts do dance;<br/> + Why didn’t you enlist and go to France,<br/> + You slacker?” +</p> + <p> + Another novel invitation is made by cutting a piece of yellow paper + thirteen inches long and four inches wide, and writing on each inch one of + the lines given below. Then begin at the bottom and fold the paper up, + inch by inch. Fasten the last turn down with a “spooky” gummed sticker, + and slip into a small envelope. When the recipient unfolds the invitation, + he will be surprised to read the following: + </p> +<p class="poem"> + Now what on earth<br/> + do you suppose<br/> + is in this<br/> + little folder<br/> + keep turning<br/> + ha ha ha<br/> + further<br/> + ha ha ha<br/> + further<br/> + ha ha ha,<br/> + further<br/> + ha ha ha<br/> + further +</p> + <p> + It would perhaps be best to telephone the next day to those guests whom + you really want, and give them further details as to the date and time of + the party. Additional fun can be gotten out of this invitation by failing + to put postage stamps on the envelopes when you mail them; the two cents + which each guest will have to pay for postage due can be returned in a + novel manner on the night of the party by inserting them in sandwiches or + stuffed tomatoes. + </p> + <p> + For those who may wish to send out more elaborate invitations, the + following distinctly original plan is suggested: Procure a number of small + alarm clocks and a quantity of nitroglycerine or other high explosive. + Insert in each clock a small amount of the nitroglycerine, being careful + not to put too much; a quantity sufficient to wreck a room 20 X 30 Will + generally suffice. Then arrange the alarm mechanism so that the explosion + will occur at 12 midnight. Attach to the clock a card, neatly decorated + with witches, goblins, etc., on which is written + </p> +<p class="poem"> + “Midnight is the mystic hour<br/> + Of yawning graves and coffins dour.<br/> + Beneath your bed this clock please hide<br/> + And when it strikes—you’ll be surprised.” +</p> + <p> + These clocks should then be delivered in the afternoon to those of the + guests whom you are merely inviting because they are your husband’s + business associates, or because they were nice to your mother when she did + her own work. Later on, in order to avoid hard feelings on the part of + relatives and friends of the deceased, it might be well to explain to them + that you sent the clocks only in the spirit of Hallowe’en fun; it might + even help to invite them to one of your next parties. + </p> + <h3> + RECEIVING THE GUESTS + </h3> + <p> + On Hallowe’en night great care should be taken in the preparations for + receiving the guests in a mystic manner; no pains should be spared in the + effort to start the evening off with a “bang.” + </p> + <p> + Several novel ideas are offered for starting the guests off on the right + informal spirit. Before they arrive, it is a good plan to take the street + number off your house and fasten it to the porch of your next door + neighbors, who will, of course, be at home because they are perfectly + impossible people whom no one would invite anywhere. Extinguish all the + lights in your own house; your neighbor, as he comes downstairs + twenty-five or thirty times in the next hour, will obligingly tell your + bewildered friends specifically where to go. + </p> + <p> + When the guest finally learns from the neighborhood policeman which house + on the block is really yours he will discover on your door a sign reading: + </p> +<p class="poem"> + “If you would be my Valentine,<br/> + Follow please the bright green line.” +</p> + <p> + Leading from the door is a green cord which the mystified guest proceeds + to follow, according to directions. This cord should guide the way to the + coal cellar of your other neighbor who has recently purchased an automatic + revolver under the delusion that burglars are operating in the + neighborhood. As your bewildered guest gropes his way about the cellar, it + is quite likely that he will be shot at several times and by the time he + emerges (if he does emerge) he will be quite delightfully full of the + informal spirit of Hallowe’en and ready for anything. + </p> + <h3> + HOW TO MYSTIFY + </h3> + <p> + At this point, your wife, dressed as a witch, should unexpectedly rush out + at him; there is always the delightful possibility that he will pick up a + convenient rock and brain her on the spot—an event which often adds + an unexpected touch of gayety to the evening’s fun. If, however, no such + event occurs, the guest should be blindfolded and led into the house. Once + inside he is conducted upstairs to the attic, where he will find three or + four earlier arrivals also blindfolded. + </p> + <p> + The hands and feet of these four are then securely tied and they are told + that they are to be left there all evening. This is really a great joke, + because they do not, of course, at the time, believe what you say, and + when you come up to untie them the next morning, their shame-faced + discomposure is truly laughable. + </p> + <p> + The green-cord-into-neighbor’s-coal-cellar joke can be cleverly varied by + taking the lid off your cistern and making the green line lead in that + direction. Great care should be taken, however, to keep an exact account + of the number of guests who succumb to this trick, for although an + unexpected “ducking” is excruciatingly humorous, drowning often results + fatally. + </p> + <p> + Great fun can be added to the evening’s entertainment by dressing several + of the guests as ghosts, witches, corpses, etc; these costumes can be + quite simply and economically made in the home, or can be procured from + some reliable department store. + </p> + <p> + An “old-fashioned” witch’s costume consists of a union suit (Munsing or + any other standard brand), corset, brassiere, chemise, underpetticoat, + overpetticoat, long black skirt, long black stockings, shoes, black waist + and shawl, with a pointed witch’s hat and a broomstick. The “modern” + witch’s costume is much simpler and inexpensive in many details. + </p> + <p> + A particularly novel and “hair raising” effect may be produced by painting + the entire body of one of the male guests with phosphorus. As this glowing + nude stalks uncannily through the darkened rooms you may easily imagine + the ghastly effect—especially upon his wife. + </p> + <h3> + GAMES + </h3> + <p> + After the guests have sufficiently amused themselves with the ghosts and + witches it will be time to commence some of the many games which are + always associated with Hallowe’en. “Bobbing for apples” is, of course, the + most common of these games and great sport it is, too, to watch the + awkward efforts of the guests as they try to pick up with their teeth the + apples floating in a large tub. I know of one hostess who added greatly to + the evening’s fun by pouring twelve quarts of gin into the tub; the effect + on the bobbers was, of course, extremely comical, except for the + unfortunate conduct of two gentlemen, one of whom went to sleep in the + tub, the other so far forgetting himself as playfully to throw all the + floating fruit at the hostess’ pet Pomeranian. + </p> + <p> + Most Hallowe’en games concern themselves with delving into the future in + the hopes that one may there discover one’s husband or bride-to-be. In one + of these games the men stand at one end of the room, facing the girls, + with their hands behind their backs and eyes tightly closed. The girls are + blindfolded and one by one they are led to within six feet of the + expectant men and given a soft pin cushion which they hurl forward. The + tradition is that whichever man the girl hits, him will she marry. Great + fun can be added to the game by occasionally substituting a rock or iron + dumb-bell in place of the romantic pin cushion. + </p> + <p> + Another game based on a delightful old Hallowe’en tradition is as follows: + A girl is given a lighted candle and told to walk upstairs into the room + at the end of the hall where, by looking in a mirror, she will see her + future husband. Have it arranged so that you are concealed alone in the + room. When the girl arrives, look over her shoulder into the mirror. She + had better go downstairs after ten minutes, though, so that another girl + can come up. This tradition dates from before William the Conqueror. + </p> + <p> + No Hallowe’en is complete, of course, without fortune telling. Dress + yourself as a wizard and have the guests led in one by one to hear their + fortune told. Hanging in front of you should be a caldron, from which you + extract the slip of paper containing the particular fortune. These slips + of paper should be prepared beforehand. The following are suggested: + </p> + <p> + “You will meet a well dressed, good looking man who understands you better + than your husband. How about Thursday at the Plaza?” + </p> + <p> + “You are about to receive a shipment of Scotch whisky that you ordered + last month. And it’s about time you kicked across with some of your own.” + </p> + <p> + “You will have much trouble in your life if you lie about your golf score + as you did last Sunday on Number 12.” + </p> + <p> + Still another pleasing Hallowe’en game, based on the revelation of one’s + matrimonial future, is played as follows: Seven lighted candles are placed + in a row on a table. The men are then blindfolded, whirled around three + times and commanded to blow out the candles. The number extinguished at a + blow tells the number of years before they meet their bride. This game + only grows interesting, of course, when some old goat with long whiskers + can be induced to take a blind shot at blowing out the candles. Have + Pyrene convenient—but not too convenient to spoil the fun. + </p> + <p> + For the older members of the party, the host should provide various games + of cards and dice. In keeping with the ghastly spirit of the occasion, it + would be well to have the dice carefully loaded. Many hosts have thus been + able to make all expenses and often a handsome profit out of the evening’s + entertainment. + </p> + <p> + If the crap game goes particularly well, many hosts do not hesitate to + provide elaborate refreshments for the guests. Here, too, the spirit of + fun and jollity should prevail, and great merriment is always provoked by + the ludicrous expression of the guest who has broken two teeth on the + cast-iron olive. Other delightful surprises should be arranged, and a + little Sloan’s liniment in the punch or ground glass in the ice cream will + go a long way toward making the supper amusing. And finally, when the + guests are ready to depart and just before they discover that you have cut + cute little black cats and witches out of the backs of their evening wraps + and over coats, it would perhaps be well to run up stairs and lock + yourself securely in your room. + </p> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2><a name="chap08"></a>CHAPTER EIGHT:<br/>CORRESPONDENCE AND INVITATIONS</h2> + + <h3> + CORRESPONDENCE + </h3> + <p> + It is narrated of a well-known English lady (who is noted on the other + side of the Atlantic for the sharpness of her wit) that on one occasion, + when a vainglorious American was boasting of his country’s prowess in + digging the Panama Canal, she calmly waited until he had finished and then + replied, with an indescribable smile, “Ah—but you Americans do not + know how to write letters.” Needless to say the discomfited young man took + himself off at the earliest opportunity. + </p> + <p> + There is much truth, alas, in the English lady’s clever retort, for the + automatic typewriter, the telegraph, and the penny postal card have done + much to cause a gradual decline in the gentle art of correspondence. As + one American woman recently remarked to a visitor (with more wit, however, + than good taste), “Yes, we do have correspondents here—but they are + all in the divorce courts.” + </p> + <h3> + CORRESPONDENCE FOR YOUNG LADIES + </h3> + <p> + There are certain rules in regard to correct letter-writing which must be + followed by all who would “take their pen in hand.” Young people are the + most apt to offend in this respect against the accepted canons of good + taste and it is to these that I would first address the contents of this + chapter. A young girl often lets her high spirits run away with her <i>amour + propre</i>, with the result that her letters, especially those addressed to + strangers, are often lacking in that dignity which is the <i>sine qua non</i> of + correct correspondence. + </p> + <p> + Consider, for example, the following two letters composed by Miss Florence + ......, a debutante of New York City, who is writing to a taxidermist + thanking him for his neat work in having recently stuffed her deceased pet + Alice. The first of these letters illustrates the evil to which I have + just referred, viz., the complete absence of proper dignity. The second, + written with the aid of her mama, whose experience in social affairs has + been considerable, shows the correct method of corresponding with + comparative strangers. + </p> + <h3> + An Incorrect Letter from a Débutante to a Taxidermist Thanking Him for + Having Stuffed Her Pet Alice + </h3> +<p class="letter"> + DEAR MR. Epps:<br/> +<br/> + Aren’t you an old <i>peach</i> to have gone and stuffed Alice so + prettily! Really, Mr. Epps, I never saw such a knockout piece of + taxidermy, even in Europe, and I simply adore it. Mother gave a + dinner party last night and <i>everybody</i> was just wild about it and + wanted to know who had done it. How on <i>earth</i> did you manage to + get the wings to stay like that? And the eyes are just too + priceless for words. Honestly, every time I look at it, it’s so + <i>darned</i> natural that I can’t believe Alice is really dead. I guess + you must be pretty dog-goned crazy about birds yourself to have + done such a lovely job on Alice, and I guess you know how + perfectly sick I was over her death. Honestly, Mr. Epps, she was + such a <i>peach</i> of an owl. But I suppose it had to be, and anyway, + thanks just heaps for having done such a really perfectly + gorgeous bit of taxidermy.<br/> + </p> +<p class="right"> + Gratefully,<br/> + FLORENCE CHASE.<br/> + <i>593 Fifth Avenue,<br/> + New York City.</i> +</p> + <p> + The above is, you observe, quite lacking in that reserve with which young + ladies should always treat strange gentlemen and especially those who are + not in their own social “set.” Slang may be excusable in shop girls or + baseball players, but never in the mouth of a young lady with any + pretensions to breeding. And the use of “darned” and “dog-goned” is simply + unpardonable. Notice, now, the way in which Miss Florence writes the + letter after, her mama has given her the proper instruction. + </p> + <h3> + A Correct Letter from a Débutante to a Taxidermist Thanking Him for Having + Stuffed Her Pet Alice + </h3> +<p class="letter"> + Mr. Lloyd Epps, Taxidermist,<br/> + New York City.<br/> + DEAR SIR:<br/> +<br/> + It is with sincere pleasure that I take my pen in hand to + compliment you upon the successful manner in which you have + rendered your services as taxidermist upon my late owl Alice. + Death in the animal kingdom is all too often regarded with an + unbecoming levity or, at least, a careless lack of sympathetic + appreciation, and it is with genuine feelings of gratitude that I + pen these lines upon the occasion of the receipt of the sample of + the excellent manner in which you have performed your task. Of + the same opinion is my father, a vice-president of the Guaranty + Trust Co., and himself a taxidermist of no inconsiderable merit, + who joins me in expressing to you our most grateful appreciation.<br/> +</p> +<p class="right"> + Sincerely yours,<br/> + FLORENCE ELIOT CHASE.<br/> + <i>December</i> 11, 1922. +</p> + +<div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> +<img src="images/image29.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="It Is Not the Custom to Comment on the Quantity of Soup Consumed by a Guest" /> +<span class="caption"><i>The young man is leaving the home of his host in +“high dudgeon.” He is of the type rather slangily known among the +members of our younger set as “finale hopper” which means, in the +“King’s English,” one who is very fond of dancing. His +indignation is well founded, since it is not the custom among members of the +socially elite to comment in the presence of the guest on either the quantity +of soup consumed or the method of consumption adopted. These things should be +left for the privacy of the boudoir or smoking den where they will afford much +innocent amusement. Nor is the host mending matters by his kindly meant but +perhaps tactless offer of a nickel for carfare.</i></span> +</div> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image30.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="False Teeth Should Remain in the Mouth throughout any Given Dinner" /> +<span class="caption"><i>The gentleman with the excellent teeth has just been +guilty of a gross social error. Wrongly supposing that the secret of popularity +lies in a helpful spirit and having discovered that the son of his hostess is +about to enter a dental school, he has removed the excellent teeth (false) from +his mouth and passed them around for inspection. The fact that the teeth are of +the latest mode does not in any way condone the breach. Leniency in such +matters is not recommended. “Facilis descensus Averni” as one of +the great poets of the Middle Ages so aptly put it.</i></span> +</div> + + <h3> + COLLEGE BOYS + </h3> + <p> + It is the tendency of the age to excuse many social errors in young + people, and especially is this true of the mischievous pranks of college + boys. If Harvard football heroes and their “rooters,” for example, wish to + let their hair grow long and wear high turtle-necked red “sweaters,” + corduroy trousers and huge “frat” pins, I, for one, can see no grave + objection, for “boys will be boys” and I am, I hope, no “old fogy” in such + matters. But I also see no reason why these same young fellows should not + be interested in the graces of the salon and the arts of the drawing-room. + Consider, for example, the following two letters, illustrating the correct + and incorrect method in which two young college men should correspond, and + tell me if there is not some place in our college curriculum for a + Professor of Deportment: + </p> + <h3> + An Incorrect Letter from a Princeton Student to a Yale Student + Congratulating the Latter on His Football Victory + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + DEAR MIKE: + + Here’s your damn money. I was a fool to give you odds. + ED. + P. S. What happened at the Nass? I woke up Sunday with a terrific + welt on my forehead and somebody’s hat with the initials L. G. + T., also a Brooks coat. Do you know whose they are? P. P. S. + Please for God’s sake don’t cash this check until the fifteenth + or I’m ruined. +</pre> + <p> + And here is the way in which I would suggest that this same letter be + indited. + </p> + <h3> + A Correct Letter from a Princeton Student to a Yale Student Congratulating + the Latter on His Football Victory + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + MY DEAR “FRIENDLY ENEMY”: + + Well, well, it was a jolly game, wasn’t it, and it was so good to + see you in “Old Nassau.” I am sorry that you could not have come + earlier in the fall, when the trees were still bronze and gold. I + also regret exceedingly that you did not stay over until Sunday, + for it would have been such a treat to have taken you to see the + Graduate School buildings and the Cleveland Memorial Tower. + However, “better luck next time.” + + The enclosed check is, as you may well guess, in payment of our + wager on the result of the gridiron-contest. Truly, I am almost + glad that I lost, for I can not but think that gambling in any + form is at best an unprofitable diversion, and this has taught + me, I hope, a lesson from which I may well benefit. Do not think + me a “prig,” dear Harry, I beg of you, for I am sure that you + will agree with me that even a seemingly innocent wager on a + football match may lead in later life to a taste for gambling + with dice and cards or even worse. Shall we not agree to make + this our last wager—or at least, next time, let us not lend it + the appearance of professional gambling by giving “odds,” such as + I gave you this year. + + You must have thought it frightfully rude of me not to have seen + you to the train after that enjoyable evening at the Nassau Inn, + but to tell you the truth, Harry, the nervous excitement of the + day proved too much for me and I was forced to retire. My + indisposition was further accentuated by a slight mishap which + befell me outside the Inn but which need cause you no alarm as a + scalp wound was the only result and a few days’ rest in my cozy + dormitory room will soon set matters to rights. I trust, however, + that you will explain to your friends the cause of my sudden + departure and my seeming inhospitality. Such jolly fellows they + were—and I am only too glad to find that the “bulldogs” are as + thoroughly nice as the chaps we have down here. Incidentally, I + discovered, somewhat to my dismay, as you may well imagine, that + in taking my departure I inadvertently “walked off” with the hat + and overcoat of one of your friends whose initials are L. G. T. I + am mortified beyond words and shall send the garments to you by + the next post with my deepest apologies to the unlucky owner. + + Rest assured, Harry my friend, that I am looking forward to + visiting you some time in the near future, for I have always been + curious to observe the many interesting sights of “Eli land.” + Particularly anxious am I to see the beautiful trees which have + given New Haven its name of “the City of Elms,” and the + collection of primitive paintings for which your college is + justly celebrated. And in closing may I make the slight request + that you postpone the cashing of my enclosed check until the + fifteenth of this month, as, due to some slight misunderstanding, + I find that my account is in the unfortunate condition of being + “overdrawn.” + + Believe me, Harry, with kindest regards to your nice friends and + yourself and with congratulations on the well deserved victory of + your “eleven,” + Your devoted friend and well wisher, + EDWARD ELLIS COCHRAN. +</pre> + <h3> + LETTERS TO PARENTS + </h3> + <p> + Of course, when young people write to the members of their immediate + family, it is not necessary that they employ such reserve as in + correspondence with friends. The following letter well illustrates the + change in tone which is permissible in such intimate correspondence: + </p> + <h3> + A Correct Letter from a Young Lady in Boarding School to Her Parents + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + DEAR MOTHER: + + Of course I am terribly glad that you and father are thinking of + coming to visit me here at school next week, but don’t you think + it would be better if, instead of your coming all the way up + here, I should come down and stay with you in New York? The + railroad trip up here will be very hard on you, as the trains are + usually late and the porters and conductors are notorious for + their gruffness and it is awfully hard to get parlor-car seats + and you know what sitting in a day-coach means. I should love to + have you come only I wouldn’t want you or father to get some + terrible sickness on the train and last month there were at least + three wrecks on that road, with many fatalities, and when you get + here the accommodations aren’t very good for outsiders, many of + the guests having been severely poisoned only last year by eating + ripe olives and the beds, they say, are extremely hard. Don’t you + really think it would be ever so much nicer if you and father + stayed in some comfortable hotel in New York with all the + conveniences in the world and there are some wonderful things at + the theaters which you really ought to see. I could probably get + permission from Miss Spencer to come and visit you over Saturday + and Sunday if you are stopping at one of the five hotels on her + “permitted” list. + + However, if you do decide to come here, perhaps it would be + better to leave father in New York because I know he wouldn’t + like it at all with nothing but women and girls around and I am + sure that he couldn’t get his glass of hot water in the morning + before breakfast and he would have a much better time in New + York. But if he does come please mother don’t let him wear that + old gray hat or that brown suit, and mother couldn’t you get him + to get some gloves and a cane in New York before he comes? And + please, mother dear, make him put those “stogies” of his in an + inside pocket and would you mind, mother, not wearing that brooch + father’s employees gave you last Christmas? + + I shall be awfully glad to see you both but as I say it would be + better if you let me come to New York where you and father will + be ever so much more comfortable. + Your loving daughter, + JEANNETTE. +</pre> + <h3> + LETTERS FROM PARENTS + </h3> + <p> + THE same familiarity may be observed by parents when corresponding with + their children, with, of course, the addition of a certain amount of + dignity commensurate with the fact that they are, as it were, <i>in loco + parentis</i>. The following example will no doubt be of aid to parents in + correctly corresponding with their children: + </p> + <h3> + A Correct Letter from a Mother to Her Son Congratulating Him on His + Election to the Presidency of the United States + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + DEAR FREDERICK: + + I am very glad that you have been elected President of the United + States, Frederick, and I hope that now you will have sense enough + to see Dr. Kincaid about your teeth. It would be well to have him + give you a thorough looking over at this time. And Mrs. Peasely + has given me the name of a splendid throat specialist in New York + whom I wish you would see as soon as possible, for it has been + almost a year since you went to Dr. Ryan. Are you getting good + wholesome food? Mrs. Dennison stopped in this morning and she + told me that Washington is very damp in the spring and I think + you had better get a new overcoat—a heavy warm one. She also + told me the name of a place where you can buy real woolen socks + and pajamas. I hope that you aren’t going to be so foolish as to + wear those short B. V. D.’s all winter because now that you are + president you must take care of yourself, Edward dear. Are you + keeping up those exercises in the morning? I found those + dumb-bells of yours in the attic yesterday and will send them on + to you if you wish. And, dear, please keep your throat covered + when you go out—Mrs. Kennedy says that the subways are always + cold and full of draughts. I saw a picture of you at the “movies” + the other evening and you were making a speech in the rain + without a hat or rubbers. Your uncle Frederick was just such a + fool as you are about wearing rubbers and he almost died of + pneumonia the winter we moved to Jefferson Avenue. Be sure and + let me know what Dr. Kincaid says and tell him <i>everything</i>. + Your <i>loving</i> mother. + P. S. What direction does your window face? +</pre> + <h3> + LETTERS TO PROSPECTIVE FATHERS-IN-LAW + </h3> + <p> + A young man desiring to marry a young girl does not, in polite society, + “pop the question” to her by mail, unless she happens, at the time, to be + out of the city or otherwise unable to “receive.” It is often advisable, + however, after she has said “yes,” to write a letter to her father instead + of calling on him to ask for his permission to the match, as a personal + interview is often apt to result unsatisfactorily. In writing these + letters to prospective fathers-in-law, the cardinal point is, of course, + the creation by the young man of a good impression in the mind of the + father, and for this purpose he should study to make his letter one which + will appeal irresistibly to the older gentleman’s habits and tastes. + </p> + <p> + Thus, in writing to a father who is above everything else a “business + man,” the following form is suggested: + </p> + <h3> + A Correct Letter to a Prospective Father-in-Law Who Is a Business Man + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + My letter, + 10-6-22 + Your letter, + In reply please refer to: ———— + File—Love—personal— + N. Y.—1922 + No. G, 16 19 + Mr. Harrison Williams, + Vice-Pres. Kinnear-Williams Mfg. Co., + Buffalo, N. Y. + + DEAR SIR: + + Confirming verbal message of even date re: being in love with + your daughter, this is to advise that I am in love with your + daughter. Any favorable action which you would care to take in + this matter would be greatly appreciated. + Yours truly, + EDWARD FISH. + Copy to your Daughter per E. F. + “ “ “ Wife + EF/F +</pre> + <p> + Or, should the girl’s father be prominent in the advertising business, the + following would probably create a favorable impression, especially if + printed on a blotter or other useful article: + </p> + <h3> + A Correct Letter to a Prospective Father-in-Law Who Is in the Advertising + Business + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + JUST A MOMENT! + + Have you ever stopped to consider the problem of grandchildren? + + Do you know, for example, that ONLY 58% of the fathers in America + are GRANDFATHERS? + + Did it ever occur to you that only 39% of the grandfathers in + America EVER HAVE GRANDCHILDREN? + + Honestly, now, don’t there come moments, after the day’s work is + done and you are sitting in your slippers before the fire, when + you would give any thing in the world for a soft little voice to + call you GRANDPA? + + <i>Be fair to your daughter + Give her a College educated husband!</i> + COMPLIMENTS OF EDWARD FISH +</pre> + <p> + Perhaps, if the old gentleman is employed in the Credit Department of + Brooks Brothers, Frank Brothers, or any one of the better class stores, + the following might prove effective: + </p> + <p> + A Correct Letter to a Prospective Father-in-Law Who Is Employed in a + Credit Department + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + MY DEAR MR. ROBERTS: 10-6-22 + + I am writing you in regard to a little matter of matrimony which + no doubt you have overlooked in the press of business elsewhere. + This is not to be considered as a “dun” but merely as a gentle + reminder of the fact that it would be extremely agreeable if you + could see fit to let me marry your daughter before the first of + next month. I feel sure that you will give this matter your + immediate attention. + Yours truly, + ED. FISH. + + 11-2-22 + DEAR MR. ROBERTS: + + As you have not as yet replied to my communication of 10-6-22 + regarding marriage to your daughter, I presume that you were not + at the time disposed to take care of the matter to which I + referred. I feel sure that upon consideration you will agree that + my terms are exceedingly liberal and I must therefore request + that you let me have some word from you before the first of next + month. + Yours truly, + EDWARD FISH. + + (Registered Mail) 12-2-22 + DEAR SIR: + + You have not as yet replied to my communication of 10-6-22 and + 11-2-22. I should regret exceedingly being forced to place this + matter in the hands of my attorneys, Messrs. Goldstein and + Nusselmann, 41 City Nat’l Bank Bldg. + E. FISH. +</pre> + <p> + Of course, it would never do to carry this series to its conclusion and if + no reply is received to this last letter it might be well to call on the + gentleman in his place of business—or, possibly, it might even be + better to call off the engagement. “None but the brave deserve the fair”—but + there is also a line in one of Byron’s poems which goes, I believe, “Here + sleep the brave.” + </p> + <h3> + LOVE LETTERS + </h3> + <p> + A young man corresponding with his fiancée is never, of course, as formal + as in his letters to other people. This does not mean, however, that his + correspondence should be full of silly meaningless “nothings.” On the + contrary, he should aim to instruct and benefit his future spouse as well + as convey to her his tokens of affection. The following letter well + illustrates the manner in which a young man may write his fiancée a letter + which, while it is replete with proper expressions of amatory good will, + yet manages to embody a fund of sensible and useful information: + </p> + <h3> + A Correct Letter from a Young Man Traveling in Europe to His Fiancée + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + MY DEAREST EDITH: + + How I long to see you—to hold tight your hand—to look into your + eyes. But alas! you are in Toledo and I am in Paris, which, as + you know, is situated on the Seine River near the middle of the + so-called Paris basin at a height above sea-level varying from 85 + feet to 419 feet and extending 7 1/2 miles from W. to E. and 5 + 1/2 miles from N. to S. But, dearest, I carry your image with me + in my heart wherever I go in this vast city with its population + (1921) of 2,856,986 and its average mean rainfall Of 2.6 inches, + and I wish—oh, how I wish—that you might be here with me. + Yesterday, for example, I went to the Père Lachaise cemetery + which is the largest (106 acres) and most fashionable cemetery in + Paris, its 90,148 (est.) tombs forming a veritable open-air + sculpture gallery. And what do you think I found there which made + me think of you more than ever? Not the tombs of La Fontaine (d. + 1695) and Molière (d. 1673) whose remains, transferred to this + cemetery in 1804, constituted the first interments—not the last + resting place of Rosa Bonheur (d. 1899) or the victims of the + Opéra Comique fire (1887)—no, dearest, it was the tomb of + Abelard and Heloïse, those late 11th early 12th century lovers, + and you may well imagine what thoughts, centering upon a young + lady whose first name begins with E, filled my heart as I gazed + at this impressive tomb, the canopy of which is composed of + sculptured fragments collected by Lenoir from the Abbey of + Nogent-sur-Seine (Aube). + + Edith dearest, I am sitting in my room gazing first at your dear + picture and then out of my window at the Eiffel Tower which is + the tallest structure in the world, being 984 feet high + (Woolworth Building 750 feet, Washington Obelisk 555 feet, Great + Pyramid 450 feet). And although it may sound too romantic, yet it + seems to me, dearest, that our love is as strong and as sturdy as + this masterpiece of engineering construction which weighs 7,000 + tons, being composed of 12,000 pieces of metal fastened by + 2,500,000 iron rivets. + + Farewell, my dearest one—I must go now to visit the Catacombs, a + huge charnelhouse which is said to contain the remains of nearly + three million persons, consisting of a labyrinth of galleries + lined with bones and rows of skulls through which visitors are + escorted on the first and third Saturday of each month at 2 P. M. + I long to hold you in my arms. + Devotedly, + PAUL. +</pre> + <h3> + CORRESPONDENCE OF PUBLIC OFFICIALS + </h3> + <p> + Congressmen and other public officials are as a rule more careful + correspondents than are men whose letters are never to be seen by the + public at large. There is a certain well-defined form for a letter meant + for public consumption which distinguishes it from correspondence of a + more private nature. Thus a Congressman, writing a “public letter,” would + cast it in the following form: + </p> + <h3> + A Correct “Public Letter” from a Congressman + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Mr. Ellison Lothrop, + Vice-Pres. Washington Co.. “Better Citizenship” League, + + MY DEAR MR. LOTHROP: + + You have requested that I give to the Washington County Better + Citizenship League, of which you are an active vice-president, + some expression of my views upon the question of Prohibition. + + Sir, can there be any doubt as to the belief of every right + thinking American citizen in this matter? The Eighteenth + Amendment is here and here, thank God, to stay! The great benefit + which Prohibition has done to the poor and the working classes is + reason enough for its continued existence. It is for the + manufacturers, the professional class, the capitalists to give up + gladly whatever small pleasure they may have derived from the use + of alcohol, in order that John Jones, workingman, may have money + in the bank and a happy home, instead of his Saturday night + debauch. In every democracy the few sacrifice for the many—“the + greatest good of the greatest number” is the slogan. And I, for + one, am proud to have been a member of that legislative body + which passed so truly God-bidden and democratic an act as the + Eighteenth Amendment. + + I beg to remain, with best wishes to your great + organization, + Sincerely yours, + WALTER G. TOWNSLEY. +</pre> + <h3> + A Correct Private Letter of a Congressman + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + DEAR BOB: + + Tell that fellow on Mulberry Street that I will pay $135 a case + for Scotch and $90 for gin <i>delivered</i> and not a cent more. + W. G. T. +</pre> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image31.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Vision and Ingenuity in Courtship" /> +<span class="caption"><i>The problem of an introduction when there is no mutual +acquaintance is sometimes perplexing. But the young man, having had the good +taste to purchase a copy of</i> <small>PERFECT BEHAVIOR</small>, <i>is having +no difficulty. He has fastened a rope across the sidewalk in front of the +lady’s house and, with the aid of a match and some kerosene, has set fire +to the house. Driven by the heat, the young lady will eventually emerge and in +her haste will fall over the rope. To a gentleman of gallantry and ingenuity +the rest should be comparatively simple.</i></span> +</div> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image32.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="“Say It with Flowers”" /> +<span class="caption"><i>A knowledge of the language of flowers is essential to +a successful courtship and may avoid much unnecessary pain. With the best +intentions in the world the young man is about to present the young lady with a +flower of whose meaning he is in total ignorance. The young lady, being a +faithful student of</i> <small>PERFECT BEHAVIOR</small>, <i>knows its exact +meaning and it will be perfectly correct for her to turn and, with a frigid +bow, break the pot over the young man’s head. Alas, how differently this +romance might have ended if the so-called “friends” of the young +man had tactfully but firmly pointed out to him the value of a book on +etiquette such as</i> <small>PERFECT BEHAVIOR</small>.</span> +</div> + + <h3> + LETTERS TO NEWSPAPERS, MAGAZINES, ETC. + </h3> + <p> + Another type of public correspondence is the letter which is intended for + publication in some periodical. This is usually written by elderly + gentlemen with whiskers and should be cast in the following form: + </p> + <h3> + A Correct Letter from an Elderly Gentleman to the Editor of a Newspaper or + Magazine + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + To the Editor: + SIR: + + On February next, <i>Deo volente</i>, I shall have been a constant + reader of your worthy publication for forty-one years. I feel, + sir, that that record gives me the right <i>ipso facto</i> to offer my + humble criticism of a statement made in your November number by + that worthy critic of the drama, Mr. Heywood Broun. <i>Humanum est + errare</i>, and I am sure that Mr. Broun (with whom I have + unfortunately not the honour of an acquaintance) will forgive me + for calling his attention to what is indeed a serious, and I + might say, unbelievable, misstatement. In my younger days, now + long past, it was not considered <i>infra dig</i> for a critic to reply + to such letters as this, and I hope that Mr. Broun will deem this + epistle worthy of consideration, and recognize the justice of my + complaint. + + I remember well a controversy that raged between critic and + public for many weeks in the days when Joe Jefferson was playing + Rip Van Winkle. Ah, sir, do you remember (but, of course, you + don’t) that entrance of Joe in the first act with his dog + Schneider? That was not my first play by many years, but I + believe that it is still my favorite. I think the first time I + ever attended a dramatic performance was in the winter of ’68 + when I was a student at Harvard College. Five of us freshmen went + into the old Boston Museum to see <i>Our American Cousin</i>. Joe + Chappell was with us that night and the two Dawes boys and, I + think, Elmer Mitchell. One of the Dawes twins was, I believe, + afterwards prominent in the Hayes administration. There were many + men besides Will Dawes in that Harvard class who were heard from + in later years. Ed Twitchell for one, and “Sam” Caldwell, who was + one of the nominees for vice president in ’92. I sat next to Sam + in “Bull” Warren’s Greek class. <i>There</i> was one of the finest + scholars this country has ever produced—a stern taskmaster, and + a thorough gentleman. It would be well for this younger + generation if they could spend a few hours in that old classroom, + with “Bull” pacing up and down the aisle and all of us trembling + in our shoes. But <i>Delenda est Carthago—fuit Ilium—Requiescat in + pace</i>. I last saw “Bull” at our fifteenth reunion and we were all + just as afraid of him as in the old days at Hollis. + + But I digress. <i>Tempus fugit</i>,—which reminds me of a story “Billy” + Hallowell once told at a meeting of the American Bar Association + in Minneapolis, in 1906. Hallowell was perhaps the most brilliant + after-dinner speaker I have ever heard—with the possible + exception of W. D. Evarts. I shall never forget the speech that + Evarts made during the second Blaine campaign. + + But I digress. Your critic, Mr. Heywood Broun, says on page 33 of + the November issue of your worthy magazine that <i>The Easiest Way</i> + is the father of all modern American tragedy. Sir, does Mr. Broun + forget that there once lived a man named William Shakespeare? Is + it possible to overlook such immortal tragedies as <i>Hamlet</i> and + <i>Othello?</i> I think not. <i>Fiat justitia, ruat cœlum.</i> + Sincerely, + SHERWIN G. COLLINS. +</pre> + <h3> + A Correct Letter from an Indignant Father to an Editor of Low Ideals + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + To the Editor: Sir: + + I have a son—a little fourteen-year-old boy who proudly bears my + name. This lad I have brought up with the greatest care. I have + spared no pains to make him an upright, moral, God-fearing youth. + + I had succeeded, I thought, in inculcating in him all those + worthy principles for which our Puritan fathers fought + and—aye—died. I do not believe that there existed in our + neighborhood a more virtuous, more righteous boy. + + From his earliest childhood until now Mrs. Pringle and I have + kept him carefully free from any suggestion of evil. We have put + in his hands only the best and purest of books; we have not + allowed him to attend any motion picture performances other than + the yearly visit of the Burton Holmes travelogues, and, last + year, a film called <i>Snow White and Rose Red;</i> we have forbidden + him to enter a theater. Roland (for that is his name) has never + in his life exhibited any interest in what is known as sex. + + Sir, you may imagine my chagrin when my Roland—my boy who, for + fourteen years, I have carefully shielded from sin—rushed in + last night to where Mrs. Pringle and I were enjoying our evening + game of Bézique, bearing in his hand a copy of your magazine + which, I presume, he had picked up at some so-called friend’s + house. “Papa, look,” said my boy to me, pointing to the cover of + the magazine. “What are these?” + + Sir, I looked. Mrs. Pringle gave a shriek, and well may she have. + My boy was pointing to a cover on which was what is called—in + barroom parlance—a “nude.” And not <i>one</i> nude but <i>twelve!</i> + + Sir, you have destroyed the parental labors of fourteen years. I + trust you are satisfied. + Yours, etc., + EVERETT G. PRINGLE. +</pre> + <h3> + A Letter from a Member of the Lower Classes. Particular pains should be + taken in answering such letters as it should always be our aim to lend a + hand to those aspiring toward better things. + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + To the Editor: + Dear Sir: + + I am a motorman on the Third Ave. South Ferry local, and the + other day one of the passengers left a copy of your magazine on + my car and I want to ask you something which maybe you can tell + me and anyway it don’t do no harm to ask what I want to know is + will it be O. K to wear a white vest with a dinner coat this + coming winter and what color socks I enclose stamps for reply. + Yrs. + ED. WALSH. +</pre> + <h3> + A Correct Letter to the Lost and Found Department of a Periodical, + inquiring for a Missing Relative. This should be referred to the persons + mentioned in the letter who will probably take prompt and vigorous action. + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Literary Editors: + Dear Sirs: + + I have been very much interested in the clever work of Nancy and + Ernest Boyd which has been appearing in your magazine, and I + wonder if you could take the time to give me a little piece of + information about them. You see there was a Nancy Boyd (her + mother was Nancy Kroomen of Beaver Dam) and her bro. Ernest, who + was neighbors to us for several years, and when they moved I sort + of lost track of them. You know how those things are. But it’s a + small world after all, isn’t it? and I shouldn’t be at all + surprised if this was the same party and, if it is, will you say + hello to Nancy for me, and tell Ernest that Ed. Gold still comes + down from Akron to see E. W. every Saturday. He’ll know who I + mean. + Ever sincerely, + MAY WINTERS. +</pre> + <h3> + LETTERS TO STRANGERS + </h3> + <p> + In writing to a person with whom you have only a slight acquaintance, it + is a sign of proper breeding to attempt to show the stranger that you are + interested in the things in which he is interested. Thus, for example, if + you were to write a letter to a Frenchman who was visiting your city for + the first time, you would endeavor, as in the following example, to speak + to him in his own idiom and put him at his ease by referring to the things + with which he is undoubtedly familiar. It is only a “boor” who seeks to + impose his own hobbies and interests upon a stranger, disregarding + entirely the presumable likes and dislikes of the latter. + </p> + <h3> + A CORRECT LETTER TO A FRENCH VISITOR + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Monsieur Jules La Chaise, + Hotel Enterprise, + City. + + MONSIEUR: + + I hope that you have had a <i>bon voyage</i> on your trip from <i>la belle + France</i>, and my wife and I are looking forward to welcoming you to + our city. Although I cannot say, as your great king Louis XV. so + justly remarked, “<i>L’etat, c’est moi</i>,” yet I believe that I can + entertain you <i>comme il faut</i> during your stay here. But all <i>bon + mots</i> aside, would you care to join us this afternoon in a ride + around the city? If you say the word, <i>voila!</i> we shall be at your + hotel in our automobile and I think that you will find here much + that is interesting to a native of Lafayette’s great country and + especially to a citizen of Paris. Did you know, for example, that + this city manufactures 38% of the toilet soap and perfumery <i>je ne + sais quoi</i> which are used in this state? Of course, our sewers are + not to be compared to yours, <i>mon Dieu</i>, but we have recently + completed a pumping station on the outskirts of the city which I + think might almost be denominated an <i>objet d’art</i>. + + I am enclosing a visitor’s card to the City Club here, which I + wish you would use during your stay. I am sure that you will find + there several <i>bon vivants</i> who will be glad to join you in a game + of <i>vingt et un</i>, and in the large room on the second floor is a + victrola with splendid instrumental and vocal records of “La + Marseillaise.” + + <i>Au revoir</i> until I see you this afternoon. + Robert C. Crocker. +</pre> + <p> + And above all, in writing to strangers or comparative strangers, seek to + avoid the mention of subjects which might be distasteful to the recipient + of the letter. Many a friendship has been utterly ruined because one of + the parties, in her correspondence or conversation, carelessly referred to + some matter—perhaps some physical peculiarity—upon which the + other was extremely sensitive. The following letter well illustrates how + the use of a little tact may go “a long way.” + </p> + <h3> + A CORRECT LETTER TO A BEARDED LADY + </h3> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + My dear Mrs. Lenox: + + I wonder if you would care to go with us to the opera Wednesday + evening? The Cromwells have offered us their box for that night, + which accounts for our selection of that particular evening. + “Beggars cannot be choosers,” and while personally we would all + rather go on some other night, yet it is perhaps best that we do + not refuse the Cromwells’ generous offer. Then, too, Wednesday is + really the only evening that my husband and I are free to go, for + the children take so much of our time on other nights. I do hope, + therefore, that you can go with us Wednesday to hear “The Barber + of Seville.” + Sincerely, + Esther G. (Mrs. Thomas D.) Franklin. +</pre> + <h3> + INVITATIONS + </h3> + <p> + The form of the invitation depends a great deal upon the character of the + function to which one wishes to invite the guests to whom one issues the + invitation. Or, to put it more simply, invitations differ according to the + nature of the party to which one invites the guests. In other words, when + issuing invitations to invited guests one must have due regard for the + fact that these invitations vary with the various types of entertainments + for which one issues the invitations. That is to say, one would obviously + not send out the same form of invitation to a wedding as to a dinner + party, and vice versa. This is an iron-clad rule in polite society. + </p> + <p> + For example, a gentleman and lady named Mr. and Mrs. Weems, respectively, + living at 1063 Railroad Ave., wishing to invite a gentleman named Mr. + Cleek to dinner, would send him the following engraved invitation: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + MR. AND MRS. LIONEL THONG WEEMS + + <i>request the pleasure of</i> + + MR. WALLACE TILFORD CLEEK’S + + <i>company at dinner + + on Tuesday January the tenth + + at half after seven o’clock</i> + + 1063 Railroad Avenue. +</pre> + <p> + This invitation would of course be worded differently for different + circumstances, such as, for example, if the name of the people giving the + party wasn’t Weems or if they didn’t live at 1063 Railroad Ave., or if + they didn’t have any intention of giving a dinner party on that particular + evening. + </p> + <p> + Many prospective hostesses prefer to send written notes instead of the + engraved invitation, especially if the dinner is to be fairly informal. + This sort of invitation should, however, be extremely simple. I think that + most well-informed hostesses would agree that the following is too + verbose: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + DEAR MR. BURPEE. + + It would give us great pleasure if you would dine with us on + Monday next at seven-thirty. By the way, did you know that Mr. + Sheldon died yesterday of pneumonia? + Cordially, + ESTELLE G. BESSERABO. +</pre> + <p> + For receptions in honor of noted guests, word the invitation in this + manner: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + MR. AND MRS. CORNELIUS VANDERBILT + + <i>request the pleasure of your company + + on Friday evening February sixth + + from nine to twelve</i> + + AT DELMONICO’S + + to meet Asst. Fire-Chief CHARLEY SCHMIDT and + + Mrs. SCHMIDT +</pre> + <p> + Invitations to graduating exercises are worded thus: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + THE SENIOR CLASS + + of the + + SOUTH ROCHESTER FEMALE DENTAL INSTITUTE + + requests the honor of your presence at the + + Commencement Exercises + + <i>on Tuesday evening, June the fifth + + at eight o’clock</i> + + MASONIC OPERA HOUSE + + <i>“That Six” Orchestra.</i> +</pre> + <h3> + ACCEPTANCES AND REGRETS + </h3> + <p> + Responses to invitations usually take the form of “acceptances” or + “regrets.” It is never correct, for example, to write the following sort + of note: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + DEAR MRS. CRONICK: + + Your invitation for the 12th inst. received and in reply would + advise that I am not at the present time in a position to signify + whether or not I can accept. Could you at your convenience + furnish me with additional particulars re the proposed + affair—number of guests, character of refreshments, size of + orchestra, etc.? Awaiting an early reply, I am, + Yours truly, + ALFRED CASS NAPE. +</pre> + <p> + If one wishes to attend the party, one “accepts” on a clean sheet of + note-paper with black ink from a “fountain” pen or inkwell. A hostess + should not, however, make the mistake of thinking that a large number of + “acceptances” implies that anybody really wishes to attend her party. + </p> + <p> + The following is a standard form of acceptance: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Dr. Tanner accepts with pleasure the kind invitation of Mrs. + Frederick Cummings Bussey for Thursday evening, December twelfth, + at half after eight. +</pre> + <p> + This note need not be signed. The following “acceptance” is decidedly + demode: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + DEAR MRS. ASTOR: + + Will I be at your ball? Say, can a duck swim? + Count on me sure. FRED. +</pre> + <p> + It is also incorrect and somewhat boorish to write “accepted” across the + face of the invitation and return it signed to the hostess. + </p> + <p> + If one does not care to attend the party, one often sends one’s “regrets” + although one just as often sends one’s “acceptances,” depending largely + upon the social position of one’s hostess. The proper form of “regret” is + generally as follows: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Alice Ben Bolt regrets that she will be unable to accept the kind + invitation of Major General and Mrs. Hannafield for Wednesday + evening at half after eight. +</pre> + <p> + Sometimes it is better to explain in some manner the cause of the + “regret,” as for example: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Alice Ben Bolt regrets that, owing to an ulcerated tooth in the + left side of her mouth, and severe neuralgic pains all up and + down her left side, she will be unable to accept the kind + invitation of Major General and Mrs. Hannafield for Wednesday + evening at half after eight, at “The Bananas.” +</pre> + <p> + This is not, however, always necessary. + </p> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image33.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Etiquette without Tears, Mother’s Artful Aid" /> +<span class="caption"><i>This is an admirable picture with which to test the +“kiddies’” knowledge of good manners at a dinner table. It +will also keep them occupied as a puzzle picture since the “faux +pas” illustrated herewith will probably not be apparent to the little +ones except after careful examination. If, however, they have been +conscientiously trained it will not be long, before the brighter ones discover +that the spoon has been incorrectly left standing in the cup, that the coffee +is being served from the right instead of the left side, and that the lettering +of the motto on the wall too nearly resembles the German style to be quite +“au fait” in the home of any red-blooded American +citizen.</i></span> +</div> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image34.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="Illustrating the Inestimable Value of Stewart’s Lightning Calculation" /> +<span class="caption"><i>Dessert has been reached and the gentleman in the +picture is perspiring freely—in itself a deplorable breach of etiquette. +He has been attempting all evening to engage the ladies on either side of him +in conversation on babies, Camp’s Reducing Exercises, politics, +Camp’s Developing Exercises, music or Charlie Chaplin, only to be +rebuffed by a haughty chin on the one hand and a cold shoulder on the other. If +he had taken the precaution to consult Stewart’s Lightning Calculator of +Dinner Table Conversation (one of the many aids to social success to be found +in</i> <small>PERFECT BEHAVIOR</small>) <i>he would have realized the bad taste +characterizing his choice of topics and would not have made himself a marked +figure at this well-appointed dinner table.</i></span> +</div> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<div class="chapter"> + +<h2><a name="chap09"></a>CHAPTER NINE:<br/>THE ETIQUETTE OF DINNERS AND BALLS</h2> + + <h3> + FORMAL DINNERS IN AMERICA + </h3> + <p> + Eating is an extremely old custom and has been practiced by the better + classes of society almost without interruption from earliest times. And + “society,” like the potentate of the parable whose touch transformed every + object into gold, has embellished and adorned the all-too-common habit of + eating, until there has been evolved throughout the ages that most + charming and exquisite product of human culture—the formal dinner + party. The gentleman of today who delightedly dons his dress suit and + escorts into a ten-course dinner some lady mountain climber or other + celebrity, is probably little aware of what he owes to his forefathers for + having so painstakingly devised for him such a pleasant method of spending + his time. + </p> + <p> + But “before one runs, one must learn to walk”—and the joys of the + dinner-party are not to be partaken of without a long preliminary course + of training, as many a young man has learned to his sorrow when he + discovered that his inelegant use of knife and fork was causing humorous + comment up and down the “board” and was drawing upon himself the haughty + glances of an outraged hostess. The first requisite of success in dining + out is the possession of a complete set of correct table manners—and + these, like anything worth while, can be achieved only by patient study + and daily practise. + </p> + <h3> + TABLE MANNERS FOR CHILDREN + </h3> + <p> + AS a matter of fact, it is never too early to begin to acquire the + technique of correct eating, and the nursery is the best possible place + for the first lessons in dining-room behavior. Children should be taught + at an early age the fundamentals of “table” manners in such a way that by + the time they have reached the years of manhood the correct use of knife, + fork, spoon and fingerbowl is to them almost second nature. But the + parents should remember, above everything else, to instruct their children + in such a way that the pupil takes pleasure in his lessons. This is the + method which is employed today in every successful school or + “kindergarten”; this is the method which really produces satisfactory + results. + </p> + <p> + Thus, for example, if you are a father and your boy Edward persists in + bringing his pet tadpole to the table in a glass jar, you should not + punish or scold him; a much more effective and graphic method of + correcting this habit would be for you to suddenly pick up the tadpole one + day at luncheon and swallow it. No whipping or scolding would so impress + upon the growing boy the importance of the fact that the dinner table is + not the place for pets. + </p> + <p> + Another effective way of teaching table manners to children consists in + making up attractive games about the various lessons to be learned. Thus, + whenever you have guests for dinner, the children can play “Boner” which + consists in watching the visitor closely all during the meal in order to + catch him in any irregularity in table etiquette. As soon as the guest has + committed a mistake, the first Child to discover it points his finger at + him and shouts, “Pulled a Boner, Pulled a Boner!” and the boy or girl who + discovers the greatest number of “Boners” during the evening is rewarded + with a prize, based on the following table of points: + </p> +<p class="letter"> + If the guest has dirty hands, 5 points.<br/> + If the guest uses wrong fork or spoon, 5 points.<br/> + If the guest chokes on bone, 8 points.<br/> + If the guest blows on soup, 5 points.<br/> + If the guest drops fork or spoon, 3 points.<br/> + If the guest spills soup on table, 10 points.<br/> + If the guest spills soup on self, 1 point. +</p> + <p> + Of course it is often well to tell the guests about the game in advance in + order that they may not feel embarrassed but will enter thoroughly into + the spirit of this helpful sport. + </p> + <h3> + A CHILD’S GARDEN OF ETIQUETTE + </h3> + <p> + Children can also acquire knowledge more easily if it is imparted to them + in the form of verse or easy rhymes, and many valuable facts about the + dinner table can be embodied in children’s verses. A few of these which I + can remember from my own happy childhood are as follows: + </p> +<p class="poem"> + Oh, wouldn’t it be jolly<br/> + To be a nice <i>hors d’œuvre</i><br/> + And just bring joy to people<br/> + Whom fondest you were of.<br/> +<br/> + Soup is eaten with a spoon<br/> + But not to any haunting tune.<br/> +<br/> + Oysters live down in the sea<br/> + In zones both temp. and torrid,<br/> + And when they are good they are very good indeed,<br/> + And when they are bad they are horrid.<br/> +<br/> + My papa makes a lovely Bronx<br/> + With gin so rare and old,<br/> + And two of them will set you right<br/> + But four will knock you cold.<br/> +<br/> + The boys with Polly will not frolic<br/> + Because she’s eaten too much garlic.<br/> + Mama said the other day,<br/> + “A little goes a long, long way.”<br/> +<br/> + A wind came up out of the sea<br/> + And said, “Those dams are not for me.”<br/> +<br/> + Uncle Frank choked on a bone<br/> + From eating shad <i>au gratin</i><br/> + Aunt Ethel said it served him right<br/> + And went back to her flat in<br/> + NEWARK (spoken)<br/> + Poor Uncle Frank! (chanted)<br/> +<br/> + I love my little finger bowl<br/> + So full of late filet of sole.<br/> +<br/> + Cousin George at lunch one day<br/> + Remarked, “That apple looks quite tasty.<br/> + Now George a dentist’s bill must pay<br/> + Because he was so very hasty.<br/> + The proverb’s teachings we must hold<br/> + “All that glitters is not gold.”<br/> + And mama said to George, “Oh, shoot,<br/> + You’ve gone and ruined my glass fruit.”<br/> +<br/> + Jim broke bread into his soup,<br/> + Jim knocked Mrs. Vanderbilt for a loop.<br/> + Kate drank from her finger bowl,<br/> + Kate knocked Mrs. Vanderbilt for a goal.<br/> + Children who perform such tricks<br/> + Are socially in Class G-6.<br/> +</p> + <h3> + ETIQUETTE IN THE SCHOOL + </h3> + <p> + Of course, as the children become older, the instruction should gradually + come to embrace all forms of correct behaviour, and the youthful games and + rhymes should give way to the more complex and intricate problems of + mature social etiquette. It is suggested that the teachings during this + period may be successfully combined with the young gentleman’s or lady’s + other schoolroom studies; in the case of mathematics, for example, the + instruction might be handled in somewhat the following manner: + </p> + <p class="p2"> + <i>A Problem in Mathematics (7th grade)</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>A swimmer starts across a stream which is 450 yards wide. He swims for + five minutes at the rate of three miles per hour, and for three minutes at + the rate of four miles per hour. He then reaches the other bank, where he + sees a young lady five feet ten inches tall, walking around a tree, in a + circle the circumference of which is forty-two yards.</i> + </p> +<p class="letter"> + <i>A. What is the diameter of the circle?<br/> + B. How fast is the current flowing in the stream?<br/> + C. At what point would the swimmer land if there were no current<br/> + in the stream?<br/> + D. At what point does the swimmer actually land?<br/> + E. But suppose that he has no bathing suit on?</i> +</p> + <p class="p2"> + And so, when the young person has reached the age for his first formal + dinner party, he will undoubtedly be able to handle the fundamentals of + correct etiquette in a satisfactory manner. But, as in every sport or + profession, there are certain refinements—certain niceties which + come only after long experience—and it is with a view of helping the + ambitious diner-out to master these more complex details, that I suggest + that he study carefully the following “unwritten laws” which govern every + dinner party. + </p> + <p> + In the first place, a guest is supposed tacitly to consent to the menu + which the hostess has arranged, and the diner-out who makes a habit of + saying “Squab, you know, never agrees with me—I wonder if I might + have a couple of poached eggs,” is apt to find that such squeamishness + does not pay in the long run. + </p> + <p> + Practical jokes are never countenanced at a formal affair of this sort. I + do not mean that a certain amount of good-natured fun is out of place, but + such “stunts” as pulling the hostess’ chair out from under her—or + gleefully kicking the shins of your neighbor under the table and shouting + “Guess who?”—are decidedly among the “non-ests” of correct modern + dinner-table behaviour. + </p> + <p> + Then, too, it is now distinctly bad form to practise legerdemain or feats + of sleight-of-hand at a dinner party. Time was when it was considered + correct for a young man who could do card or other tricks to add to the + gayety of the party by displaying his skill, but that time is past, and + the guest of today, who thinks to make a “hit” by pulling a live rabbit or + a potted plant from the back of the mystified hostess or one of the + butlers, is in reality only making a “fool” of himself if he only knew it. + The same “taboo” also holds good as concerns feats of juggling and no + hostess of today will, I am sure, ever issue a second invitation to a + young man who has attempted to enliven her evening by balancing, on his + nose, a knife, a radish, a plate of soup and a lighted candle. + “Cleverness” is a valuable asset but only up to a certain point, and I + know of one unfortunately “clever” young chap who almost completely ruined + a promising social career by the unexpected failure of one of his pet + juggling tricks and the consequent dumping of a large dish of mashed + potatoes on the head of a vice-president of the Equitable Trust Company. + Besides, people almost always distrust “clever” persons. + </p> + <p> + It does not “do,” either, to “ride your hobby” at a dinner party, and the + real truth as to the cause of the sudden social ostracism of young Freddie + H——, a New York clubman of some years ago (now happily + deceased), is that on one occasion this young fellow, who had developed a + craze for marksmanship amounting almost to a mania, very nearly ruined a + dinner party given by a prominent Boston society matron by attempting to + shoot the whiskers off a certain elderly gentleman, who happened to be a + direct descendant of John Smith and Priscilla Alden. + </p> + <p> + It might also be remarked that the possession of certain physical gifts—such + as the ability to wriggle one’s ears or do the “splits”—is in itself + no “open sesame” to lasting social success. “Slow and sure” is a good rule + for the young man to follow, and although he may somewhat enviously watch + his more brilliant colleagues as they gain momentary applause by their + ability to throw their thumbs out of joint or squirt water through a hole + in their front teeth, yet he may console himself with the thought that + “the race is not always to the swift” and that “Rome was not built in a + day.” The gifts of this world have been distributed fairly equally, and + you may be sure that the young girl who has been born a ventriloquist very + likely is totally unable to spell difficult words correctly or carry even + a simple tune. Ventriloquism, by the way, is also passing out as a form of + dinner party diversion, and it is no longer considered a priceless + accomplishment to be able to make a dog bark or a baby cry under the + hostess’s chair. + </p> + <h3> + CONVERSATION AT DINNER + </h3> + <p> + Gradually, however, conversation—real conversation—is coming + into its own as the favorite pastime of dinner guests, and the young man + or lady who can keep the conversational “ball” rolling is coming more and + more into demand. Good conversationalists are, I fear, born and not made—but + by study and practise any ambitious young man can probably acquire the + technique, and, with time, mould himself into the kind of person upon whom + hostesses depend for the success of their party. As an aid in this + direction I have prepared the following chart which I would advise all my + readers to cut out and paste in some convenient place so that at their + next dinner party it can be readily consulted. + </p> + <h3> + STEWART’S LIGHTNING CALCULATOR OF DINNER TABLE CONVERSATION + </h3> + <p> + This chart divides the dinner into its various courses, and under each + course is given what I call an “opening sentence,” together with your + partner’s probable reply and the topic which is then introduced for + discussion. And, most valuable of all, under each such topic I have listed + certain helpful facts which will enable you to prolong the conversation + along those lines until the arrival of the next course, and the consequent + opening of another field for discussion. The chart follows: + </p> + <p> + I. <i>Cocktails.</i> + </p> + <p> + You say to the partner on your right: “What terrible gin!” She (he) + replies: “Perfectly ghastly.” This leads to a discussion of: Some Aspects + of Alcohol. Helpful Facts: + </p> + <p> + 1. An oyster soaked in alcohol becomes quite rigid in eleven minutes. + </p> + <p> + 2. Senator Volstead was born Sept. 4, 1869. + </p> + <p> + 3. Alcohol, if taken in too great quantities, often produces internal + disorders. + </p> + <p> + II. <i>Oysters.</i> + </p> + <p> + You say to the partner on your right: “Think of being an oyster!” + </p> + <p> + She (he) replies: “How perfectly ghastly.” + </p> + <p> + This leads to a discussion of: Home Life of Oysters. + </p> + <p> + Helpful Facts: + </p> + <p> + 1. The average life of an oyster is 38 days, 11 hours. + </p> + <p> + 2. Polygamy is practised among certain classes of oysters. + </p> + <p> + 3. The first oyster was eaten by Ossip Gatch, a Pole (d. 1783). + </p> + <p> + III. <i>Fish.</i> + </p> + <p> + You say to the partner at your right: “Do you enjoy fish?” + </p> + <p> + She (he) replies: “I simply adore fish.” + </p> + <p> + This leads to a discussion of: Fish—Then, and Now. + </p> + <p> + Helpful Facts: + </p> + <p> + 1. Fish make notoriously bad pets, whereas seals can be taught to do many + novel tricks. + </p> + <p> + 2. Gloucester (Mass.) smells badly in summer. + </p> + <p> + 3. Gloucester (Mass.) smells badly in winter. + </p> + <p> + IV. <i>Meat.</i> + </p> + <p> + You say to the partner at your right: “Have you ever been + through the Stock-Yards?” + </p> + <p> + She (he) replies: “No.” (“Yes.”) + </p> + <p> + This leads to a discussion of: “The Meat Industry in America.” + </p> + <p> + Helpful Facts: + </p> + <p> + 1. Every time a street car goes over the Brooklyn Bridge, a steer is + killed in Chicago—and oftener. + </p> + <p> + 2. Raw beefsteak in quantities is harmful to children under two years of + age. + </p> + <p> + 3. A man died recently in Topeka, Kansas, weighing 312 pounds. + </p> + <p> + 4. Many prominent people live on the North Side of Chicago. + </p> + <p> + V. <i>Salad.</i> + </p> + <p> + You say to the partner at your right: “What is your favorite salad?” + </p> + <p> + She (he) replies: “I don’t know, what’s yours?” + </p> + <p> + This leads to a discussion of: Favorite Things. + </p> + <p> + Helpful Facts: + </p> + <p> + 1. Richard Barthelmess is married. + </p> + <p> + 2. B. V. D. stands for “Best Value Delivered.” + </p> + <p> + 3. Amy Lowell is fond of cigars. + </p> + <p> + <i>VI. Dessert.</i> + </p> + <p> + You say to the partner at your right: “I love ice cream.” + </p> + <p> + She (he) replies: “So do I.” + </p> + <p> + This leads to a discussion of: Love. + </p> + <p> + Helpful Facts: + </p> + <p> + 1. New York is the hardest state in which to get a divorce in America. + </p> + <p> + 2. Dr. Sigmund Freud is now living in Vienna, Austria. + </p> + <p> + 3. D. H. Lawrence has a black beard. + </p> + <h3> + BALLS AND DANCES + </h3> + <p> + In order to succeed in the modern ballroom, and especially in the + ballrooms of our exclusive country clubs, a young gentleman or lady of + fashion must today be possessed of the following two requisites: i. A + “Line.” 2. A closed car. The latter of these “sine qua nons” is now owned + as a matter of course by most families and is no longer regarded as a mark + of distinction. The former requisite, however, is not so common, but it is + nevertheless true that any young person with ambition and a good memory + can eventually acquire a quite effective “Line.” It is a great aid in this + direction if one happens to have spent a year or more at one of our + leading eastern universities or “finishing schools.” These vary, of + course, in degree of excellence, but it does not pay to be dogmatic on + this subject, and to those who would insist that the Princeton “Line” is + more effective than the Harvard ditto, or that the Westover “Line” flows + more smoothly than that of Farmington or Spence, one can only say “De + gustibus non disputandum est.” “Lines” vary also in accordance with the + different types of girls who happen to be using them, and (to misquote a + rather vulgar proverb) “What is one girl’s food may be another girl’s + poison.” Thus it happens that the “Line” which is most universally and + interminably employed by the “beautiful” type of girl (consisting, in its + entirety, of the three words “How perfectly priceless”) would never in the + world do for the young miss whose chief asset is a kind heart or a love + for really good books. + </p> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image35.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="A Word of Warning and Encouragement" /> +<span class="caption"><i>The above diagram (one of man), filling the +instructive and refined pages of</i> <small>PERFECT BEHAVIOR</small>, <i>will +serve as a model to any debutante or dancing man who seriously sets out to +achieve social eminence. It is only fair to warn aspirants that rigid adherence +to the formula is essential and that any slight slackening of the pace is +likely to prove fatal. On the other hand, we confidently guarantee complete +success to those who, in reverence and faith, keep the final goal always in +sight. His (or hers) be it to keep the sacred flame burning and to pass the +torch along from father to son, from mother to daughter till the end of time, +or so long as they do not make any mesalliances, which is just as important in +America, whatever may be said to the contrary, as among our “English +cousins.”</i></span> +</div> + + <h3> + MIXED DANCING + </h3> + <p> + Another quality which is often helpful on the dance floor, especially to + girls, is the ability to dance. This seems to have become largely a trick + of keeping abreast of the latest “mode” and while, personally, I greatly + regret the passing of the stately lancers and other dignified “round + dances,” yet, if “mixed dancing” has come to stay, it is the duty of every + young person to learn to dance as well as possible in the generally + accepted manner, even though this often involves some compromising of + one’s <i>amour propre</i>. + </p> + <p> + But in addition to all these necessary qualifications the really great + person—the true super man or woman of the ballroom—must be + possessed of that certain divine something, that <i>je ne sais quoi</i> ability + to rise superior to all occasions, to overcome the most difficult + situations, which has distinguished the great men and women of all ages. + Joan of Arc had it, George Washington had it, Napoleon had it—and I + venture to say that any of these three, had they lived today, Would have + been a social success. But perhaps this fact can best be illustrated by + taking a typical instance in the ballroom in which “When duty whispered + low ‘Thou must,’ the youth replied ‘I can.’” + </p> + <h3> + HINTS FOR STAGS + </h3> + <p> + Let us suppose, for example, that you are a young man who has been invited + to a dance to be given at the East Shore Country Club. It is your original + intention, let us say, to attend as a “stag,” but on the afternoon of the + party you receive a note from a young lady of your acquaintance asking if + you would be so kind as to accompany to the ball a guest of hers, a “sweet + girl from South Orange” who was in her class at college. + </p> + <p> + The correct costume for a dance of this sort is usually a dinner coat with + a black or white vest, and when you have robed yourself correctly, you + should drive in your car to the young lady’s home. There you are presented + to the sweet girl from South Orange, who is six feet tall and has + protruding teeth. After the customary words of greeting and a few brief + bits of pleasantry, you set off with your partner for the dance. + </p> + <p> + Arrived at the East Shore Club, you find the party in “full swing,” and + after shaking hands with your host and hostess, you should ask your + partner if she would care to dance. + </p> + <p> + The first three times that she steps on your left foot, you should + politely murmur, “My fault.” But when she begins to sing in your ear it is + proper to steer her over toward the “stag line” in order to petition for + an injunction or a temporary restraining order. + </p> + <p> + The “stag line” consists of a group of the wisest, shrewdest and most + hard-hearted young men ever gathered together under one roof. The original + purpose of a “stag line” was to provide a place where unattached young men + might stand while searching for a partner, but the institution has now + come to be a form of Supreme Court, passing life or death sentence upon + the various debutantes who pass before it. + </p> + <p> + After you have piloted your partner five times along the length of this + line you have a pretty fair idea as to her merits or demerits, and, in + this particular case, you have a pretty fair idea as to just what the + evening holds out for you. When the music stops you should therefore lead + the girl over to a chair and ask to be allowed to bring her a glass of + punch. + </p> + <p> + Instead of going directly to the punch bowl, you should turn your steps + toward the “stag line.” There you will find several young men whom only as + late as that afternoon you counted among your very best friends, but who + do not, at the present, seem to remember ever having met you before. + Seizing the arm of one of these you say, “Tom, I want you to meet——” + That is as far as you will get, for Tom will suddenly interrupt you by + remarking, “Excuse me a minute, Ed—, I see a girl over there I’ve + simply got to speak to. I’ll come right back.” + </p> + <p> + He will not come right back. He will not come back at all. And after you + have met with the same response from four other so-called friends, you + should return to the South Orange visitor and “carry on.” + </p> + <p> + At the end of the second hour, however, your mind should begin to clear, + and if you are at all possessed of the qualifications for future ballroom + leadership, you should gradually throw off the slough of despond and + determine to make a fight for life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. + And when the music has once more ceased, you should ask your partner if + she would not care to take a jaunt in the open air. + </p> + <p> + “I know a lovely walk,” you should say, “across a quaint old bridge.” + </p> + <p> + The rest is, of course, easy. Arrived in the middle of the quaint old + bridge, which leads across a cavern some three hundred feet deep, you + should quickly seize the tall college graduate, and push her, not too + roughly or ungentlemanly, off the bridge. + </p> + <p> + And, if you are really a genius, and not merely “one of the crowd” you + will return to the ballroom and, going up to the young lady who was + responsible for your having met the sweet girl from South Orange, you will + offer her your arm, and smile invitingly. + </p> + <p> + “I know a lovely walk,” you will say, “across a quaint old bridge.” + </p> + +<div class="fig" style="width:60%;"> +<img src="images/image36.jpg" style="width:100%;" alt="endpiece" /> +</div> + +</div><!--end chapter--> + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Perfect Behavior, by Donald Ogden Stewart + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PERFECT BEHAVIOR *** + +***** This file should be named 1446-h.htm or 1446-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/4/1446/ + +Produced by Charles Keller, and David Widger + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will +be renamed. + +Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright +law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, +so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United +States without permission and without paying copyright +royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Perfect Behavior + A Guide for Ladies and Gentlemen in all Social Crises + +Author: Donald Ogden Stewart + +Posting Date: August 26, 2008 [EBook #1446] +Release Date: September, 1998 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PERFECT BEHAVIOR *** + + + + +Produced by Charles Keller + + + + + +PERFECT BEHAVIOR + +By Donald Ogden Stewart + +A Guide for Ladies and Gentlemen in all Social Crises + + + Those who are not self-possessed obtrude + and pain us.--EMERSON + + + + +PERFECT BEHAVIOR + + + A parody outline of etiquette by the Author of "A Parody + Outline of History" + + The perfect gentleman is he who never unintentionally causes + pain.--OLD PROVERB + + + + + TO THE BRIDEGROOM WHOSE WEDDING WAS RUINED + BECAUSE THE BRIDE CAME DOWN THE AISLE + ON THE RIGHT INSTEAD OF THE LEFT + ARM OF HER FATHER + With Deepest Sympathy + + + + +CONTENTS + + Chapter + I. THE ETIQUETTE OF COURTSHIP + A Few Words about Love--Curious Incident in a Yellow Taxicab--A + Silly Girl--Correct Introductions and how to Make Them--A + Well Known Congressman's Ludicrous Mistake in a Turkish + Bath--Cards and Flowers--Flowers and their Message in + Courtship--"A Clean Tooth Never Decays"--Receiving an + Invitation to Call--The Etiquette of Telephoning-A Telephone + Girl's Horrible End--Making the First Call--Conversation and + Some of its Uses--A Proper Call--The Proposal Proper-The Proposal + Improper--What Henry Wadsworth Longfellow Said to the + ex-Clergyman's Niece. + + II. THE ETIQUETTE OF ENGAGEMENTS AND WEDDINGS + The Historic Aspect--Announcing the Engagement--A Breton Fisher + Girl's Experience with a Traveling Salesman--The Bride-to-Be--The + Engagement Luncheon--Selecting the Bridal Party--Invitations and + Wedding Presents--A Good Joke on the Groom--"Madam, those are + my trousers"--Duties of the Best Man--A Demented Taxidermist's + Strange Gift--The Bride's Tea--The Maid of Honor--What Aunt + Edna Saw on the Club Porch-The Bachelor Dinner and After-Some + Practical Uses for Bi-Carbonate of Soda--The Rehearsal--The + Bridal Dinner--A Church Wedding. + + III. THE ETIQUETTE OF TRAVEL + Hints for the Correct Pedestrianism--Description of a Walk around + Philadelphia with a Pueblo Indian in 1837--Travelling by Rail-- + Good Form on a Street Car--In the Subway--Fun with an Old + Gentleman's Whiskers--A Honeymoon in a Subway--Travelling under + Steam-A Correct Night in a Pullman-What Burton Holmes Found in + His Lower Berth. + + IV. AT THE CONCERT AND THE OPERA + Listening to a Symphony Orchestra--Curious Effect of Debussy's + "Apres-midi d'un Faune" and four gin fizzes on Uncle + Frederick--"No, fool like an old fool"--Correct Behavior at a + Piano Recital--Choosing One's Nearest Exit--In a Box at the + Opera--What a Kansas City Society Leader Did with Her Old + Victrola Records. + + V. ETIQUETTE FOR DRY AGENTS + Some Broader Aspects of Prohibition--Interesting Effect of Whisky + on Goldfish--The College Graduate as Dry Agent--Aunt Emily's + Amusing Experiences with a Quart of Gin Planning a Dry Raid on a + Masquerade Ball A Word About Correct Costumes--A California + Motion Picture Actress's Bad Taste--Good Form for Dry Agents + During a Raid-What the New York Clubman Said About Mr. Volstead. + + VI. A CHAPTER FOR SCHOOLGIRLS + Selecting a Proper School--Account of an Interesting Trip Down + the Eric Canal with Miss Spence--Correct Equipment for the + Schoolgirl--En Route--ln New York--A journey Around the + City--Description of the Visit of Ed. Pinaud to the Aquarium in + 1858--The First Days in the New School--"After Lights" in a + Dormitory--An "Old Schoolgirl's" Confessions--Becoming + Acclimatized--A Visitor from Princeton-Strange Pets. + + VIIS. THE ETIQUETTE OF GAMES AND SPORTS + Golf as a Pastime--What Henry Ward Beecher Said When He Broke His + Niblic--An Afternoon at the Old Farm with the Dice--"Shoot you + for your ear trumpet, grandfather!"--Correct Behavior on a + Picnic--A Swedish Nobleman's Curious Method of Eating Potato + Chips--Boxing in American Society--A Good Joke on an Amateur + Boxer--"He didn't know it was Jack Dempsey!"--Bridge + Whist--Formal and Informal Drinking--A jolly Hallowe'en + Party--Invitations--Receiving the Guests--How to + Mystify--Games. + + VIII. CORRESPONDENCE AND INVITATIONS + Correspondence for Young Ladies--College Boys How to Order a Full + Dress Suit by Mail--Letters to Parents--A Prominent Retired + Bank President's Advice to Correspondents--Letters from + Parents--Peculiarities of the Divorce Laws of New York--Letters + to Prospective Fathers-in-Law--A Correct Form of Letter to a + Society Matron Asking Her How About that Grocery Bill for + Eighty-Two Dollars and Sixty-Seven Cents--Love + Letters--Correspondence of Public Officials---Letters to + Strangers--Letters to Newspapers, Magazines, etc.--Invitations, + Acceptances and Regrets. + + IX. THE ETIQUETTE OF DINNERS AND BALLS + Formal Dinners in America-Table Manners for Children--Removing + Stains from Gray Silk--A Child's Garden of Etiquette--Etiquette + in the School--Conversation at Dinner--What a New Jersey Lady Did + with Her Olive Seeds--Stewart's Lightning Calculator of Dinner + Table Conversation--"It Seems that Pat and Mike"--Balls and + Dances---Artificial Respiration--Mixed Dancing--Hints for Stags. + + A Word of Warning and Encouragement + + + + + +CHAPTER ONE: THE ETIQUETTE OF COURTSHIP + + +A FEW WORDS ABOUT LOVE + +Courtship is one of the oldest of social customs, even antedating in +some countries such long-established usages as marriage, or the wearing +of white neckties with full evening dress. The beginnings of the +etiquette of courtship were apparently connected in some way with the +custom of "love" between the sexes, and many of the old amatory forms +still survive in the modern courtship. It is generally agreed among +students of the history of etiquette that when "love" first began to +become popular among the better class of younger people they took to it +with such avidity that it was necessary to devise some sort of rules +for the conduct of formal or informal love-making. These rules, together +with various amendments, now constitute the etiquette of courtship. + +Suppose, for example, that you are a young gentleman named Richard Roe +desirous of entering upon a formal courtship with some refined young +girl of fashion. You are also, being a college graduate, engaged in the +bond business. One morning there comes into your financial institution +a young lady, named Dorothy Doe, who at once attracts your attention +by her genteel manners, as exemplified by the fact that she calls the +president of your company "father." So many young people seem to think +it "smart" to refer to their parents as "dad" or "my old man"; you are +certain, as soon as you hear her say "Hello, father" to your employer, +that she is undoubtedly a worthy object of courtship. + + +CORRECT INTRODUCTIONS; HOW TO MAKE THEM + +Your first step should be, of course, the securing of an introduction. +Introductions still play an important part in social intercourse, and +many errors are often perpetrated by those ignorant of savoir faire +(correct form). When introducing a young lady to a stranger for example, +it is not au fait (correct form) to simply say, "Mr. Roe, I want you to +shake hands with my friend Dorothy." Under the rules of the beau monde +(correct form) this would probably be done as follows: "Dorothy (or Miss +Doe), shake hands with Mr. Roe." Always give the name of the lady first, +unless you are introducing some one to the President of the United +States, the Archbishop of Canterbury, a member of the nobility above a +baron, or a customer. The person who is being "introduced" then extends +his (or her) right ungloved hand and says, "Shake." You "shake," saying +at the same time, "It's warm (cool) for November (May)," to which the +other replies, "I'll say it is." + +This brings up the interesting question of introducing two people to +each other, neither of whose names you can remember. This is generally +done by saying very quickly to one of the parties, "Of course you know +Miss Unkunkunk." Say the last "unk" very quickly, so that it sounds like +any name from Ab to Zinc. You might even sneeze violently. Of course, in +nine cases out of ten, one of the two people will at once say, "I didn't +get the name," at which you laugh, "Ha! Ha! Ha!" in a carefree manner +several times, saying at the same time, "Well, well--so you didn't +get the name--you didn't get the name--well, well." If the man still +persists in wishing to know who it is to whom he is being introduced, +the best procedure consists in simply braining him on the spot with a +club or convenient slab of paving stone. + +The "introduction," in cases where you have no mutual friend to do the +introducing, is somewhat more difficult but can generally be arranged as +follows: + +Procure a few feet of stout manila rope or clothes-line, from any of +the better-class hardware stores. Ascertain (from the Social Register, +preferably) the location of the young lady's residence, and go there +on some dark evening about nine o'clock. Fasten the rope across the +sidewalk in front of the residence about six inches or a foot from the +ground. Then, with the aid of a match and some kerosene, set fire to +the young lady's house in several places and retire behind a convenient +tree. After some time, if she is at home, she will probably be forced to +run out of her house to avoid being burned to death. In her excitement +she will fail to notice the rope which you have stretched across +the sidewalk and will fall. This is your opportunity to obtain an +introduction. Stepping up to her and touching your hat politely, you +say, in a well modulated voice, "I beg your pardon, Miss Doe, but I +cannot help noticing that you are lying prone on the sidewalk." If she +is well bred, she will not at first speak to you, as you are a perfect +stranger. This silence, however, should be your cue to once more tip +your hat and remark, "I realize, Miss Doe, that I have not had the honor +of an introduction, but you will admit that you are lying prone on the +sidewalk. Here is my card--and here is one for Mrs. Doe, your mother." +At that you should hand her two plain engraved calling cards, each +containing your name and address. If there are any other ladies in her +family--aunts, grandmothers, et cetera--it is correct to leave cards for +them also. Be sure that the cards are clean, as the name on the calling +card is generally sufficient for identification purposes without the +addition of the thumbprint. + +When she has accepted your cards, she will give you one of hers, after +which it will be perfectly correct for you to assist her to rise from +the sidewalk. Do not, however, press your attentions further upon her at +this time, but after expressing the proper regret over her misfortune it +would be well to bow and retire. + + +{illustration caption = Every one knows that table manners betray one's +bringing-up mercilessly. The young man in the picture has good reason to +wish a meteorite would fall on him. His perpendicularity has just been +restored by a deft upward movement of Aunt Harriet's shoulder, upon +which he had inadvertently rested his head during a quiet snooze while +Cousin Edna was making her little speech at the Bridal Dinner. PERFECT +BEHAVIOR would have Pasteurized him against even Bridal Dinners.} + + +{illustration caption = When a woman recognizes and nods to a man to +whom she has been formally introduced several times, or to whom she has +been married, is the man expected to accept the greeting and politely +lift his hat or should he lift both his hat and his toupee? Street +etiquette is disposed authoritatively and finally in PERFECT BEHAVIOR.} + +{illustration caption = You are, let us pretend, walking in the park. +You come upon two benches arranged as shown in the above diagram. Would +you know which bench it would be proper to sit on if you are (1) a +young man just out of college--(2) a rather homely young woman? To avoid +embarrassment look this up in PERFECT BEHAVIOR.} + + +{illustration caption = A jolly crowd is boarding the 4:56 for a +house-party in the suburbs. The gentleman at the right, having been +educated abroad, has never learned to play the ukelele, the banjo, the +jew's harp or the saxophone, and is, with the best intentions in the +world, attempting to contribute his share to the gaiety of the coming +evenings by bringing along his player-piano. Would you--be honest!--have +recognized his action as a serious social blunder without having +referred to PERFECT BEHAVIOR?} + + +{illustration caption = The young mother in the picture is traveling +from one point to another in a Pullman. In the effort to commit as great +a nuisance as possible, she has provided her child with a banana and a +hard boiled egg. Not having dipped into the chapter on travel in PERFECT +BEHAVIOR, she is ignorant of the fact that a peach would have produced +quite as much mess and far more permanent stains and a folding cup for +the water cooler would have spread the disturbance over a wider area.} + + + +CARDS AND FLOWERS + +The next day, however, you should send flowers, enclosing another of +your cards. It might be well to write some message on the card recalling +the events of the preceding evening--nothing intimate, but simply a +reminder of your first meeting and a suggestion that you might possibly +desire to continue the acquaintanceship. Quotations from poetry of the +better sort are always appropriate; thus, on this occasion, it might +be nice to write on the card accompanying the flowers--"'This is the +forest primeval'--H. W. Longfellow," or "'Take, oh take, those lips +away'--W. Shakespeare." You will find there are hundreds of lines +equally appropriate for this and other occasions, and in this +connection it might be well to display a little originality at times by +substituting pertinent verses of your own in place of the conventional +quotations. For example--"This is the forest primeval, I regret your +last evening's upheaval," shows the young lady in question that not only +are you well-read in classic poetry, but also you have no mean talent +of your own. Too much originality, however, is dangerous, especially in +polite social intercourse, and I need hardly remind you that the floors +of the social ocean are watered with the tears of those who seek to walk +on their own hook. + +Within a week after you have sent the young lady the flowers, you should +receive a polite note of thanks, somewhat as follows: "My dear Mr. Roe: +Those lovely flowers came quite as a surprise. They are lovely, and I +cannot thank you enough for your thoughtfulness. Their lovely fragrance +fills my room as I write, and I wish to thank you again. It was lovely +of you." + + +FLOWERS AND THEIR MESSAGE IN COURTSHIP + +It is now time to settle down to the more serious business of courtship. +Her letter shows beyond the shadow of a figurative doubt that she is +"interested," and the next move is "up to you." Probably she will soon +come into the office to see her father, in which case you should have +ready at hand some appropriate gift, such as, for example, a nice potted +geranium. Great care should be taken, however, that it is a plant of +the correct species, for in the etiquette of courtship all flowers have +different meanings and many a promising affair has been ruined because +a suitor sent his lady a buttercup, meaning "That's the last dance I'll +ever take you to, you big cow," instead of a plant with a more tender +significance. Some of the commoner flowers and their meaning in +courtship are as follows: + +Fringed Gentian--"I am going out to get a shave. Back at 3:30." + +Poppy--"I would be proud to be the father of your children." + +Golden-rod--"I hear that you have hay-fever." + +Tuberose--"Meet me Saturday at the Fourteenth Street subway station." + +Blood-root--"Aunt Kitty murdered Uncle Fred Thursday." + +Dutchman's Breeches--"That case of Holland gin and Old Tailor has +arrived. Come on over." + +Iris--"Could you learn to love an optician?" + +Aster--"Who was that stout Jewish-looking party I saw you with in the +hotel lobby Friday?" + +Deadly Nightshade--"Pull down those blinds, quick!" + +Passion Flower--"Phone Main 1249--ask for Eddie." + +Raspberry--"I am announcing my engagement to Charlie O'Keefe Tuesday." + +Wild Thyme--"I have seats for the Hippodrome Saturday afternoon." + + +The above flowers can also be combined to make different meanings, as, +for example, a bouquet composed of three tuberoses and some Virginia +creeper generally signifies the following, "The reason I didn't call for +you yesterday was that I had three inner tube punctures, besides a lot +of engine trouble in that old car I bought in Virginia last year. Gosh, +I'm sorry!" + +But to return to the etiquette of our present courtship. As Miss Doe +leaves the office you follow her, holding the potted plant in your left +hand. After she has gone a few paces you step up to her, remove your hat +(or cap) with your right hand, and offer her the geranium, remarking, "I +beg your pardon, miss, but didn't you drop this?" A great deal depends +upon the manner in which you offer the plant and the way she receives +it. If you hand it to her with the flower pointing upward it means, +"Dare I hope?" Reversed, it signifies, "Your petticoat shows about an +inch, or an inch and a half." If she receives the plant in her right +hand, it means, "I am"; left hand, "You are"; both hands--"He, she or it +is." If, however, she takes the pot firmly in both hands and breaks it +with great force on your head, the meaning is usually negative and your +only correct course of procedure is a hasty bow and a brief apology. + + +RECEIVING AN INVITATION TO CALL + +Let us suppose, however, that she accepts the geranium in such a manner +that you are encouraged to continue the acquaintance. Your next move +should be a request for an invitation to call upon her at her home. This +should, above all things, not be done crudely. It is better merely to +suggest your wish by some indirect method such as, "Oh--so you live +on William Street. Well, well! I often walk on William Street in the +evening, but I have never called on any girl there--YET." The "yet" +may be accompanied by a slight raising of your eyebrows, a wink, or a +friendly nudge with your elbow. Unless she is unusually "dense" she +will probably "take the hint" and invite you to come and see her some +evening. At once you should say, "WHAT evening? How about TO-NIGHT?" If +she says that she is already engaged for that evening, take a calendar +out of your pocket and remark, "Tomorrow? Wednesday? Thursday? Friday? +I really have no engagements between now and October. Saturday? Sunday?" +This will show her that you are really desirous of calling upon her and +she will probably say, "Well, I think I am free Thursday night, but you +had better telephone me first." + + +THE ETIQUETTE OF TELEPHONING + +On Thursday morning, therefore, you should go to a public +telephone-booth in order to call the young lady's house. The etiquette +of telephoning is quite important and many otherwise perfectly well-bred +people often make themselves conspicuous because they do not know +the correct procedure in using this modern but almost indispensable +invention. Upon entering the telephone-booth, which is located, say, in +some drug store, you remove the receiver from the hook and deposit the +requisite coin in the coin box. After an interval of some minutes +a young lady (referred to as "Central") will ask for your "Number, +please." Suppose, for example, that you wish to get Bryant 4310. Remove +your hat politely and speak that number into the mouthpiece. +"Central" will then say, "Rhinelander 4310." To which you reply, "NO, +Central--BRYANT 4310." Central then says, "I beg your pardon--Bryant +4310," to which you reply, "Yes, please." In a few minutes a voice at +the other end of the line says, "Hello," to which you answer, "Is +Miss Doe at home?" The voice then says, "Who?" You say, "Miss Doe, +please--Miss Dorothy Doe." You then hear the following, "Wait a minute. +Say, Charlie, is they anybody works around here by the name of Doe? +There's a guy wants to talk to a Miss Doe. Here--you answer it." Another +voice then says, "Hello." You reply "Hello." He says, "What do you +want?" You reply, "I wish to speak to Miss Dorothy Doe." He says, "What +department does she work in?" You reply, "Is this the residence of J. +Franklin Doe, President of the First National Bank?" He says, "Wait a +minute." You wait a minute. You wait several. Another voice--a new voice +says-"Hello." You reply "Hello." He says, "Give me Stuyvesant 8864." You +say, "But I'm trying to get Miss Doe--Miss Dorothy Doe." He says, "Who?" +You say, "Is this the residence of--" He says, "Naw--this is Goebel +Brothers, Wholesale Grocers--what number do you want?" You say, "Bryant +4310." He says, "Well, this is Rhinelander 4310." You then hang up the +receiver and count twenty. The telephone bell then rings, and inasmuch +as you are the only person near the phone you take up the receiver and +say, "Hello." A female voice, says, "Hello, dearie--don't you know who +this is?" You say, politely but firmly, "No." She says, "Guess!" You +guess "Mrs. Warren G. Harding." She says, "No. This is Ethel. Is Walter +there?" You reply, "Walter?" She says, "Ask him to come to the phone, +will you? He lives up-stairs over the drug store. Just yell 'Walter' at +the third door down the hall. Tell him Ethyl wants to speak to him--no, +wait--tell him it's Madge." Being a gentleman, you comply with the +lady's request. After bringing Walter to the phone, you obligingly wait +for some twenty minutes while he converses with Ethel--no, Madge. When +he has finished, you once more enter the booth and tell "Central" you +want Bryant 4310. After a few minutes "Central" says, "What number did +you call?" You say patiently, "Bryant 4310." She replies, "Bryant 4310 +has been changed to Schuyler 6372." You ask for Schuyler 6372. Finally +a woman's voice says, "Yass." You say, "Is Miss Doe in?" She replies, +"Yass." You say, "May I speak to her?" She says, "Who?" You reply, "You +said Miss Doe was at home, didn't you?" She replies, "Yass." You say, +"Well, may I speak to her?" The voice says, "Who?" You shout, "Miss +Doe." The voice says, "She ban out." You shriek, "Oh, go to hell!" and +assuming a graceful, easy position in the booth, you proceed to tear the +telephone from the wall. Later on in the day, when you have two or three +hours of spare time, you can telephone Miss Doe again and arrange for +the evening's visit. + + +MAKING THE FIRST CALL + +The custom of social "calls" between young men and young women is one +of the prettiest of etiquette's older conventions, and one around which +clusters a romantic group of delightful traditions. In this day and +generation, what with horseless carriages, electric telephones and +telegraphs, and dirigible gas bags, a great many of the older forms have +been allowed to die out, greatly, I believe, to our discredit. "Speed, +not manners," seems to be the motto of this century. I hope that there +still exist a few young men who care enough about "good form" to study +carefully to perfect themselves in the art of "calling." Come, Tom, Dick +and Harry--drop your bicycles for an afternoon and fill your minds with +something besides steam engines and pneumatic tires! + +The first call at the home of any young lady of fashion is an extremely +important social function, and too great care can not be taken that you +prepare yourself thoroughly in advance. It would be well to leave your +work an hour or two earlier in the afternoon, so that you can go +home and practice such necessary things as entering or leaving a room +correctly. Most young men are extremely careless in this particular, and +unless you rehearse yourself thoroughly in the proper procedure you are +apt to find later on to your dismay that you have made your exit through +a window onto the fire-escape instead of through the proper door. + + +CONVERSATION AND SOME OF ITS USES + +Your conversation should also be planned more or less in advance. Select +some topic in which you think your lady friend will be interested, such +as, for example, the removal of tonsils and adenoids, and "read up" on +the subject so that you can discuss it in an intelligent manner. Find +out, for example, how many people had tonsils removed in February, +March, April. Contrast this with the same figures for 1880, 1890, 1900. +Learn two or three amusing anecdotes about adenoids. Consult Bartlett's +"Familiar Quotations" for appropriate verses dealing with tonsils and +throat troubles. Finally, and above all, take time to glance through +four or five volumes of Dr. Eliot's Five Foot Shelf, for nothing so +completely marks the cultivated man as the ability to refer familiarly +to the various volumes of the Harvard classics. + + +A PROPER CALL + +Promptly at the time appointed you should arrive at the house where the +young lady is staying. In answer to your ring a German police dog will +begin to bark furiously inside the house, and a maid will finally come +to the door. Removing your hat and one glove, you say, "Is Miss Doe +home?" The maid replies, "Yass, ay tank so." You give her your card and +the dog rushes out and bites you on either the right or left leg. You +are then ushered into a room in which is seated an old man with a long +white beard. He is fast asleep. "Dot's grampaw," says the maid, to which +you reply, "Oh." She retires, leaving you alone with grampaw. After a +while he opens his eyes and stares at you for a few minutes. He then +says, "Did the dog bite you?" You answer, "Yes, sir." Grampaw then says, +"He bites everybody," and goes back to sleep. Reassured, you light +a cigaret. A little boy and girl then come to the door, and, after +examining you carefully for several minutes, they burst into giggling +laughter and run away. You feel to see if you have forgotten to put on +a necktie. A severe looking old lady then enters the room. You rise and +bow. "I am Miss Doe's grandmother. Some one has been smoking in here," +she says, and sits down opposite you. Her remark is not, however, a hint +for a cigaret and you should not make the mistake of saying, "I've only +got Fatimas, but if you care to try one--" It should be your aim to +seek to impress yourself favorably upon every member of the young lady's +family. Try to engage the grandmother in conversation, taking care to +select subjects in which you feel she would be interested. Conversation +is largely the art of "playing up" to the other person's favorite +subject. In this particular case, for example, it would be a mistake +to say to Miss Doe's grandmother, "Have you ever tried making synthetic +gin?" or "Do you think any one will EVER lick Dempsey?" A more +experienced person, and some one who had studied the hobbies of old +people, would probably begin by remarking, "Well, I see that Jeremiah +Smith died of cancer Thursday," or "That was a lovely burial they gave +Mrs. Watts, wasn't it?" If you are tactful, you should soon win the old +lady's favor completely, so that before long she will tell you all about +her rheumatism and what grampaw can and can't eat. + +Finally Miss Doe arrives. Her first words are, "Have you been waiting +long? Hilda didn't tell me you were here," to which you reply, "No--I +just arrived." She then says, "Shall we go in the drawing-room?" The +answer to this is, "For God's sake, yes!" In a few minutes you find +yourself alone in the drawing-room with the lady of your choice and the +courtship proper can then begin. + +The best way to proceed is gradually to bring the conversation around to +the subject of the "modern girl." After your preliminary remarks about +tonsils and adenoids have been thoroughly exhausted, you should suddenly +say, "Well I don't think girls--nice girls--are really that way." She +replies, of course, "WHAT way?" You answer, "Oh, the way they are in +these modern novels. This 'petting,' for instance." She says, "WHAT +petting'?" You walk over and sit down on the sofa beside her. "Oh," +you say, "these novelists make me sick--they seem to think that in our +generation every time a young man and woman are left alone on a lounge +together, they haven't a thing better to do than put out the light and +'pet.' It's disgusting, isn't it?" "Isn't it?" she agrees and reaching +over she accidentally pulls the lamp cord, which puts out the light. + +On your first visit you should not stay after 12:30. + + +THE PROPOSAL PROPER + +About the second or third month of a formal courtship it is customary +for the man to propose matrimony, and if the girl has been "out" for +three or four years and has several younger sisters coming along, it +is customary for her to accept him. They then become "engaged," and the +courtship is concluded. + + + +CHAPTER TWO: THE ETIQUETTE OF ENGAGEMENTS AND WEDDINGS + +THE HISTORIC ASPECT + +"Matrimony," sings Homer, the poet, "is a holy estate and not lightly to +be entered into." The "old Roman" is right. + +A modern wedding is one of the most intricate and exhausting of social +customs. Young men and women of our better classes are now forced to +devote a large part of their lives to acting as brides, grooms, ushers +and bridesmaids at various elaborate nuptials. Weeks are generally +required in preparation for an up-to-date wedding; months are necessary +in recovering from such an affair. Indeed, some of the participants, +notably the bride and groom, never quite get over the effects of a +marriage. + +It was not "always thus." Time was when the wedding was a comparatively +simple affair. In the Paleolithic Age, for example, (as Mr. H. G. Wells +of England points out in his able "Outline of History"), there is no +evidence of any particular ceremony conjunctive with the marriage of +"a male and a female." Even with the advent of Neolithic man, a wedding +seems to have been consummated by the rather simple process of having +the bridegroom crack the bride over the head with a plain, unornamented +stone ax. There were no ushers--no bridesmaids. But shortly after that +(c- 10,329--30 B.C. to be exact) two young Neoliths named Haig, living +in what is now supposed to be Scotland, discovered that the prolonged +distillation of common barley resulted in the creation of an +amber-colored liquid which, when taken internally, produced a curious +and not unpleasant effect. + +This discovery had--and still has--a remarkable effect upon the +celebration of the marriage rite. Gradually there grew up around the +wedding a number of customs. With the Haig brothers' discovery of Scotch +whiskey began, as a matter of course, the institution of the "bachelor +dinner." "Necessity is the mother of invention," and exactly twelve +years after the first "bachelor dinner" came the discovery of +bicarbonate of soda. From that time down to the present day the history +of the etiquette of weddings has been that of an increasing number of +intricate forms and ceremonies, each age having added its particular bit +of ritual. The modern wedding may be said to be, therefore, almost an +"Outline of History" itself. + + +ANNOUNCING THE ENGAGEMENT + +LET us begin, first of all, with the duties of one of the minor +characters at a wedding--the Groom. Suppose that you are an eligible +young man named Richard Roe, who has just become "engaged" to a young +lady named Dorothy Doe. If you really intend to "marry the girl," it is +customary that some formal announcement of the engagement be made, for +which you must have the permission of Miss Dorothy and her father. It +is not generally difficult to become engaged to most girls, but it will +surprise you to discover how hard it is to get the young lady whom you +believe to be your fiancee to consent to a public announcement of the +fact. The reason for this probably is that an engagement which has been +"announced" often leads to matrimony, and matrimony, in polite society, +often lasts for several years. After you have secured the girl's +permission, it is next necessary that you notify her father of the +engagement. In this particular case, as he happens to be your employer, +the notification can take place in his office. First of all, however, it +would be advisable to prepare some sort of speech in advance. Aim to put +him as far as possible at his ease, lead up to the subject gradually and +tactfully. Abruptness is never "good form." The following is suggested +as a possible model. "Good morning, Mr. Doe, say, I heard a good story +from a traveling salesman last night. It seems that there was a young +married couple--(here insert a good story about a young married +couple). Wasn't that RICH? Yes, sir, marriage is a great thing--a great +institution. Every young man ought to get married, don't you think? You +do? Well, Mr. Doe, I've got a surprise for you, (here move toward the +door). I'm going to (here open the door) marry (step out of the room) +your daughter" (close the door quickly). + + +THE BRIDE-TO-BE + +Before the public announcement of the engagement it is customary for the +bride-to-be to write personal letters to all other young men to whom +she happens to be engaged at the time. These notes should be kindly, +sympathetic and tactful. The same note can be written to all, provided +there is no chance of their comparing notes. The following is suggested: + +"Dear Bob-- + +Bob, I want you to be the very first to know that I am engaged to +Richard Roe. I want you to like him, Bob, because he is a fine fellow +and I would rather have you like him than any one I know. I feel that +he and I shall be very happy together, and I want you to be the first to +know about it. Your friendship will always remain one of the brightest +things in my life, Bob, but, of course, I probably won't be able to go +to the Aiken dance with you now. Please don't tell anybody about it yet. +I shall never forget the happy times you and I had together, Bob, and +will you please return those silly letters of mine. I am sending you +yours." + + +{illustration caption = Nothing so completely betrays the "Cockney" as a +faulty knowledge of sporting terms. The young lady at the left has just +returned from the hunting field hand-in-hand with the dashing "lead," +who happens to be an eligible billionaire. Her hostess, the mother of +the sub-deb at the right, has greeted her by hissing, "S--o--o! I +see you've had a good day's hunting!" The use of this unsportsmanlike +expression--in stead of the correct "Hope you had a good run," or "Where +did you find?"--at once discloses the hostess's mean origin and the +young lady will almost certainly never accept another invitation to her +house.} + +{illustration caption = In this work-a-day world, one is likely to +forget that there is an etiquette of pleasure, just as there is an +etiquette of dancing or the opera. One often hears a charming hostess +refuse to invite this or that person to her home for a game of billiards +on the ground that he or she is a "bum sport" or a "rotten loser." The +above scene illustrates one of the little, but conspicuous, blunders +that people make. The gentleman, having missed his fifth consecutive +shot, has broken his cue over his knee and is ripping the baize off the +table with the sharp end. This display is not in the best taste. + +{illustration caption = Good form at the beach is still a question of +debate. Some authorities on the subject insist that the Rubenesque +type is preferable, while others claim that the Byzantine is more +fashionable. One thing is certain--it is absolutely incorrect for ladies +who weigh less than 75 or more than 275 pounds (avoirdupois) to appear +in costumes that would offend against modesty. It is also considered +rude to hold one's swimming partner under water for more then the formal +quarter of an hour.} + + +THE ENGAGEMENT LUNCHEON + +THE engagement is generally announced at a luncheon given by the parents +of the prospective bride. This is usually a small affair, only fifteen +or twenty of the most intimate friends of the engaged "couple" being +invited. It is one of the customs of engagement luncheons that all +the guests shall be tremendously surprised at the news, and great care +should be taken to aid them in carrying out this tradition. On the +invitations, for example, should be written some misleading phrase, such +as "To meet General Pershing" or "Not to Announce the Engagement of our +Daughter." + +The announcement itself which should be made soon after the guests are +seated, offers a splendid opportunity for the display of originality +and should aim to afford the guest a surprise and perhaps a laugh, for +laughter of a certain quiet kind is often welcome at social functions. +One of the most favored methods of announcing an engagement is by the +use of symbolic figures embodying the names of the affianced pair. Thus, +for example, in the case of the present engagement of Richard Roe to +Dorothy Doe it would be "unique" to have the first course at luncheon +consist of a diminutive candy or paper-mache doe seated amorously upon a +heart shaped order of a shad roe. The guests will at first be mystified, +but soon cries of "Oh, how sweet!" will arise and congratulations are +then in order. Great care should be taken, however, that the symbolic +figures are not misunderstood; it would be extremely embarrassing, +for example, if in the above instance, a young man named "Shad" or +"Aquarium" were to receive the congratulations instead of the proper +person. Other suggestions for symbolistic announcements of some of the +more common names are as follows: + +"Cohan-O'Brien"--ice cream cones on a plate of O'Brien potatoes. + +"Ames-Green--green ice cream in the shape of a man aiming at something. + +"Thorne-Hoyt--figure of a man from Brooklyn pulling a thorn from foot +with expression on his face signifying "This hoits." + +"Bullitt-Bartlett--bartlett pears full of small 22 or 33 calibre +bullets. + +"Tweed-Ellis"--frosted cake in the shape of Ellis Island with a solitary +figure of a man in a nice fitting tweed suit. + +"Gordon-Fuller"--two paper-mache figures--one representing a young man +full of Gordon gin, the other representing a young man fuller. + +"Hatch-Gillette"--figure of a chicken surprised at having hatched a +safety razor. + +"Graves-Colgate"--figure of a man brushing his teeth in a cemetery. + +"Heinz-Fish"--57 assorted small fish tastily arranged on one plate. + + +SELECTING THE BRIDAL PARTY + +AS soon as the engagement has been announced it is the duty of +the prospective bride to select a maid-of-honor and eight or ten +bridesmaids, while the groom must choose his best man and ushers. In +making these selections it should be carefully borne in mind that no +wedding party is complete without the following: + +1 bridesmaid who danced twice with the Prince of Wales. + +2 Bridesmaids who never danced more than once with anybody. + +1 bridesmaid who doesn't "Pet." + +1 bridesmaid who was expelled from Miss Spence's. + +1 bridesmaid who talks "Southern." + +1 bridesmaid who met Douglas Fairbanks once. + +1 bridesmaid who rowed on the crew at Wellesley. + +1 usher who doesn't drink anything. + +9 ushers who drink anything. + + +In some localities, following the announcement, it is customary for the +bride's friends, to give for her a number of "showers." These are for +the purpose of providing her with various necessities for her wedded +household life. These affairs should be informal and only her dearest +or wealthiest friends should be invited. A clever bride will generally +arrange secretly for several of these "showers" by promising a certain +percentage (usually 15% of the gross up to $500.00 and 25% bonus on all +over that amount) to the friend who gives the party. Some of the more +customary "showers" of common household articles for the new bride are +toothpaste, milk of magnesia, screen doors, copies of Service's poems, +Cape Cod lighters, pictures of "Age of Innocence" and back numbers of +the "Atlantic Monthly." + + +INVITATIONS AND WEDDING PRESENTS + +The proper time to send out invitations to a wedding is between two +and three weeks before the day set for the ceremony, although the +out-of-town invitations should be mailed in plenty of time to allow the +recipient to purchase and forward a suitable present. As the gifts are +received, a check mark should be placed after the name of the donor, +together with a short description of the present and an estimate as +to its probable cost. This list is to be used later, at the wedding +reception, in determining the manner in which the bride is to greet the +various guests. It has been found helpful by many brides to devise some +sort of memory system whereby certain names immediately suggest certain +responses, thus: + +"Mr. Snodgrass--copy of 'Highways and Byways in Old France'"--c. +$6.50--"how do you do, Mr. Snodgrass, have you met my mother?" + +"Mr. Brackett--Solid silver candlesticks--$68.50"--"hello, Bob, you old +peach. How about a kiss?" + +The real festivities of a wedding start about three days before the +ceremony, with the arrival of the "wedding party," in which party the +most responsible position is that of best man. Let us suppose that you +are to be the best man at the Roe-Doe nuptials. What are your duties? + +In the first place, you must prepare yourself for the wedding by a +course of training extending for over a month or more prior to the +actual event. It should be your aim to work yourself into such a +condition that you can go for three nights without sleep, talk for hours +to the most impossibly stupid of young women, and consume an unending +amount of alcohol. You are then prepared for the bachelor dinner, the +bridal dinner, the bridesmaids, the wedding, and the wedding reception. + + +DUTIES OF THE BEST MAN + +Upon your arrival in the city where the wedding is to take place you +will be met by the bridegroom, who will take you to the home of the +bride where you are to stay. There you are met by the bride's father. +"This is my best man," says the groom. "The best man?" replies her +father. "Well, may the best man win." At once you reply, "Ha! Ha! +Ha!" He then says, "Is this your first visit to Chicago?" to which the +correct answer is, "Yes, sir, but I hope it isn't my last." + +The bride's mother then appears. "This is my best man," says the groom. +"Well," says she, "remember--the best man doesn't always win." "Ha! Ha! +Ha!" you at once reply. "Is this your first visit to Chicago?" says she, +to which you answer, "Yes--but I hope it isn't my last." + +You are then conducted to your room, where you are left alone to unpack. +In a few minutes the door will open and a small boy enter. This is the +brother of the bride. You smile at him pleasantly and remark, "Is this +your first visit to Chicago?" "What are you doing?" is his answer. +"Unpacking," you reply. "What's that?" says he. "A cutaway," you reply. +"What's that?" says he. "A collar bag." "What's that?" "A dress shirt." +"What's that?" says he. "Another dress shirt." "What's that?" says he. +"Say, listen," you reply, "don't I hear some one calling you?" "No," +says he, "what's that?" "That," you reply, with a sigh of relief, "is +a razor. Here--take it and play with it." In three minutes, if you have +any luck at all, the bride's brother will have cut himself severely in +several places which will cause him to run crying from the room. You can +then finish unpacking. + + +THE BRIDE'S TEA + +The first function of the pre-nuptial festivities is generally a tea +at the bride's home, where the ushers and bridesmaids meet to become +"acquainted." It is your duty, as best man, to go to the hotel where the +ushers are stopping and bring them to this tea. Just as you will leave +on this mission the groom will whisper in your ear, "For God's sake, +remember to tell them that her father and mother are terribly opposed +to drinking in any form." This is an awfully good joke on her father and +mother. + +As you step out of the hotel elevator you hear at the end of the hall a +chorus shouting, "Mademoiselle from Armentieres--parlez vous!" Those are +your ushers. + +Opening the door of the room you step forward and announce, "Fellows, +we have got to go to a tea right away. Come on--let's go." At this, +ten young men in cutaways will stand up and shout, "Yeaaa--the best +man--give the best man a drink!" From then on, at twelve minute +intervals, it is your duty to say, "Fellows, we have got to go to a tea +right away. Come on--let's go." Each time you will be handed another +drink, which you may take with either your right or left hand. + +After an hour the telephone will ring. It will be the groom. He will +say, "Everybody is waiting for you and the ushers," to which you reply, +"We are just leaving." He then says, "And don't forget to tell them what +I told you about her father and mother." + +You then hang up the receiver, take a drink in one hand and say, +"Fellows, I have a very solemn message for you. It's a message which +is of deep importance to each one of us. Fellows--her father and mother +object to the use of alcohol in any form." + +This statement will be greeted with applause and cheers. You will all +then take one more drink, put on your silk hats and gray gloves, and +leave the room singing, "Her father and mother object to drink--parlez +vous." + +The tea given by the bride's parents is generally a small affair to +which only the members of the wedding party are invited. When you and +the ushers arrive, you will find the bride, the maid of honor and the +bridesmaids waiting for you. As you enter the room, make a polite bow +to the bride's father and mother, and be sure to apologize for your +lateness. Nothing so betrays the social "oil can" as a failure to make +a plausible excuse for tardiness. Whenever you are late for a party you +must always have ready some good reason for your fault, such as, "Excuse +me, Mrs. Doe, I'm afraid I am a little late, but you see, just as I was +dressing, this filling dropped out of my tooth and I had to have it put +back in." If the host and hostess seem to doubt your statement, it would +be well to show them the recalcitrant filling in question, although if +they are "well-bred" they will probably in most cases take you at your +word. + + +THE MAID OF HONOR + +You and the ushers will then be introduced to the bridesmaids and the +maid of honor. As you meet this latter young lady, who is the bride's +older sister and, of course, your partner for the remainder of the +wedding festivities, she will say, "The best man? Well, they say that +the best man wins... Ha! Ha! Ha!" This puts her in class G 6 without +further examination, and your only hope of prolonging your life +throughout the next two days lies in the frequent and periodic +administration of stimulants. + + +THE BACHELOR DINNER AND AFTER + +That evening the groom gives for the best man and the ushers what is +known as a "bachelor dinner." It is his farewell to his men friends +as he passes out of the state of bachelorhood. The formal passing out +generally occurs toward the end of the dinner, and is a quaint ceremony +participated in by most of those present. + +It is customary for the best man to wake up about noon of the following +day. You will not have the slightest idea as to where you are or how +you got there. You will be wearing your dress trousers, your stiff or +pleated bosom dress shirt, black socks and pumps, and the coat of your +pajamas. In one hand you will be clutching a chrysanthemum. After a few +minutes there will come a low moan from the next bed. That is usually +the groom, also in evening dress with the exception that he has tried +to put on the trousers of your pajamas over his dress trousers. You then +say, "What happened?" to which he replies, "Oh, Judas." You wait several +minutes. In the next room you hear the sound of a shower bath and some +one whistling. The bath stops; the whistling continues. The door then +opens and there enters one of the ushers. He is the usher who always +"feels great" the next day after the bachelor dinner. He says to you, +"Well, boys, you look all in." You do not reply. He continues, "Gosh, +I feel fine." You make no response. He then begins to chuckle, "I don't +suppose you remember," he says, "what you said to the bride's mother +when I brought you home last night." You sit quickly up in bed. "What +did I say?" you ask. "Was I tight?" "Were you tight?" he replies, still +chuckling. "Don't you remember what you said? And don't you remember +trying to get the bride's father to slide down the banisters with you? +Were you tight--Oh, my gosh!" He then exits, chuckling. Statistics of +several important life insurance companies show that that type of man +generally dies a violent death before the age of thirty. + + +THE REHEARSAL + +The rehearsal for the wedding is usually held in the church on the +afternoon preceding the day of the nuptials. The ushers, of course, are +an hour late, which gives the bridegroom (Bap.) an opportunity to meet +the minister (Epis.) and have a nice, long chat about religion, while +the best man (Atheist) talks to the eighty-three year old sexton who +buried the bride's grandpa and grandma and has knowed little Miss +Dorothy come twenty years next Michaelmas. The best man's offer of +twenty-five dollars, if the sexton will at once bury the maid of honor, +is generally refused as a matter of courtesy. + + +THE BRIDAL DINNER + +In the evening, the parents of the bride give the bridal dinner, to +which all the relatives and close friends of the family are invited. +Toasts are drunk in orange juice and rare old Virginia Dare wine, and +much good-natured fun is indulged in by all. Speeches are usually made +by the bride and groom, their parents, the best man, the maid of honor, +the minister and Aunt Harriet. + +Just a word about the speeches at a bridal dinner. Terrible! + + +A CHURCH WEDDING + +On the day of the wedding the ushers should arrange to be at the church +an hour or so in advance of the time set for the ceremony. They should +be dressed in cutaways, with ties, gloves and gardenias provided by the +groom. + +It is the duty of the best man to dress the bridegroom for the wedding. +As you enter his room you see, lying half-dressed on the bed, a pale, +wan, emaciated creature, who is staring fixedly at the ceiling. It is +the happy bridegroom. His lips open. He speaks feebly. "What time is +it?" he says. You reply, "Two-thirty, old man. Time to start getting +dressed." "Oh, my God!" says the groom. Ten minutes pass. "What time is +it?" says the groom. "Twenty of three," you reply. "Here's your shirt." +"Oh, my God!" says the groom. + +He takes the shirt and tries to put it on. You help him. "Better have a +little Scotch, old man," you say. "What time is it?" he replies. "Five +of three," you say. "Oh, my God!" says the groom. + +At three-thirty you and he are dressed in cutaways and promptly at +three-forty-two you arrive at the church. You are ushered into a little +side room where it is your duty to sit with the corpse for the few +brief hours which elapse between three-forty-five and four o'clock. +Occasionally he stirs and a faint spark of life seems to struggle in +his sunken eyes. His lips move feebly. You bend over to catch his +dying words. "Have--you--got--the ring?" he whispers. "Yes," you reply. +"Everything's fine. You look great, too, old man." The sound of the +organ reaches your ears. The groom groans. "Have you got the ring?" he +says. + +Meanwhile the ushers have been performing their duty of showing the +invited guests to the various pews. A correctly trained usher will +always have ready some cheery word or sprightly bit of conversation +to make the guests feel perfectly at home as he conducts them to their +seats. "It's a nice day, isn't it?" is suggested as a perfectly safe +and yet not too unusual topic of conversation. This can be varied by +remarking, "Isn't it a nice day?" or in some cases, where you do not +wish to appear too forward, "Is it a nice day, or isn't it?" An usher +should also remember that although he has on a cutaway, he is neither +a floor-walker nor a bond salesman, and remarks such as "Something in a +dotted Swiss?" or "Third aisle over--second pew--next the ribbon goods," +are decidedly non au fait. + +The first two pews on each side of the center aisle are always reserved +for members of the immediate family, but it is a firmly established +custom that the ushers shall seat in these "family pews" at least three +people with whom the family are barely on speaking terms. This slight +error always causes Aunt Nellie and Uncle Fred to sit up in the gallery +with the family cook. + +With the arrival of the bride, the signal is given to the organist to +start the wedding march, usually either Mendelssohn's or Wagner's. About +this time the mother of the bride generally discovers that the third +candle from the left on the rear altar has not been lighted, which +causes a delay of some fifteen minutes during which time the organist +improvises one hundred and seventy-three variations on the opening +strains of the march. + +Finally all is adjusted and the procession starts down the aisle led by +the ushers swaying slowly side by side. It is always customary for three +or four of the eight ushers to have absolutely no conception of time +or rhythm, which adds a quaint touch of uncertainty and often a little +humor to the performance. + +After the Scotch mist left by the passing ushers has cleared, there come +the bridesmaids, the maid of honor, and then, leaning on her father's +arm (unless, of course, her father is dead), the bride. + +In the meantime, the bridegroom has been carried in by the best man and +awaits the procession at the foot of the aisle, which is usually four +hundred and forty yards long. The ushers and bridesmaids step awkwardly +to one side; the groom advances and a hush falls over the congregation +which is the signal for the bride's little niece to ask loudly, "What's +that funny looking man going to do, Aunt Dotty?" + +Then follows the religious ceremony. + +Immediately after the church service, a reception is held at the bride's +home, where refreshments are served and two hundred and forty-two +invited guests make the same joke about kissing the bride. At the +reception it is customary for the ushers and the best man to crawl off +in separate corners and die. + +The wedding "festivities" are generally concluded with the disappearance +of the bride, the bridegroom, one of the uninvited guests and four of +the most valuable presents. + + +{illustration caption = The man of culture and refinement, while +always considerate to those beneath him in station, never, under any +circumstances, loses control of his emotions for an instant. Though +the gentleman-rider in the picture may be touchingly fond of his +steeplechase horse, it is unpardonably bad form for him to make an +exhibition of his affection while going over the brush in plain view of +numbers of total strangers. In doing so he simply is making a "guy" +of himself, and it is no more than he deserves if those in the gallery +raise their eyebrows at each other and smile knowingly.} + + +{illustration caption = The Romans had a proverb, "Litera scripta +manet," which means "The written letter remains." The subtle wisdom of +these words was no doubt well known to the men of the later Paleolithic +Age before them, but evidently the gentleman in the engraving +never heard of it. If he had kept this simple little rule of social +correspondence in mind he would have avoided the painful experience +of hearing his obsolete emotions exposed to the eager ears of twelve +perfect strangers. It is customary nowadays for unmarried elder sons +of our most aristocratic families to express their appreciation of +the qualities of fascinating bachelor girls over the sensible, though +plebeian, telephone.} + + + +CHAPTER THREE: THE ETIQUETTE OF TRAVEL + +The etiquette of travel, like that of courtship and marriage, has +undergone several important changes with the advent of "democracy" and +the "mechanical age." Time was when travel was indulged in only by the +better classes of society and the rules of travellers' etiquette were +well defined and acknowledged by all. But Yankee ingenuity has indeed +brought the "mountain to Mahomet"; the "iron horse" and the "Pullman +coach" have, I believe, come to stay, bringing with them many new +customs and manners for the well-bred gentleman or lady who would travel +correctly. Truly, the "old order changeth" and it is, perhaps, only +proper that one should keep (if you will pardon the use of the word), +"abreast" of the times. + + +HINTS FOR THE CORRECT PEDESTRIAN + +Let us suppose, for example, that you are a young gentleman of +established social position in one of the many cities of our great +middle west, and it is your desire to travel from your home to New York +City for the purpose of viewing the many attractions of that metropolis +of which I need perhaps only mention the Aquarium or Grant's Tomb or the +Eden Musee. Now there are many ways of getting to New York, such as (a) +on foot, (b) via "rail"; it should be your first duty to select one +of these methods of transportation. Walking to New York ("a" above) +is often rejected because of the time and effort involved and it is +undoubtedly true that if one attempted to journey afoot from the middle +west one would probably be quite fatigued at the end of one's journey. +The etiquette of walking, however, is the same for short as for long +distances, and I shall at this point give a few of the many rules for +correct behavior among pedestrians. + +In the first place, it is always customary in a city for a young lady, +either accompanied or unaccompanied, to walk on the sidewalk. A young +"miss" who persists in walking in the gutters is more apt to lose than +to make friends among the socially "worth while." + +Gentlemen, either with or without ladies, are never seen walking after +dark in the sewers or along the elevated, tracks. + +It is not au fait for gentlemen or ladies wearing evening dress to +"catch on behind" passing ice wagons, trucks, etc.; the time and energy +saved are doubtfully repaid should one happen to be driven thus past +other members of one's particular social "set." + +Ladies walking alone on the street after dark do not speak to gentlemen +unless they have been previously introduced or are out of work with +winter coming on. + +A gentleman walking alone at night, when accosted by a young woman whom +he has not met socially, removes his hat politely, bows and passes on, +unless she looks awfully good. + +Debutantes meeting traffic policemen always bow first in America; in the +Continental countries, with their age-old flavor of aristocratic court +life, this custom is reversed. + +A bachelor, accompanied by a young unmarried woman, when stepping +accidentally into an open coal or sewer hole in the sidewalk, removes +his hat and gloves as inconspicuously as possible. + +It is never correct for young people of either "sex" to push older +ladies in front of swiftly approaching motor vehicles or street cars. + +A young man, if run over by an automobile driven by a strange lady, +should lie perfectly still (unless dead) until an introduction can be +arranged; the person driving the car usually speaks first. + +An unmarried woman, if run into and knocked down by a taxicab driven +by someone in her own "set," usually says "Why the hell don't you look +where you're going?" to which the taxi driver, removing his hat, replies +"Why the hell don't YOU?" + +A correct costume for gentlemen walking in the parks or streets of a +city, either before or after dark, consists of shoes (2), socks (2), +undergarments, trousers, shirt, necktie, collar, vest, coat and hat. For +pedestrians of the "opposite" sex the costume is practically the same +with the exception of the socks, trousers, shirt, necktie, collar, +vest and coat. However, many women now affect "knickerbockers" and vice +versa. + +A young lady of good breeding, when walking alone, should not talk +or laugh in a loud boisterous manner. "Capers" (e. g. climbing trees, +etc.), while good exercise and undoubtedly fashionable in certain +"speedy" circles, are of questionable taste for ladies, especially +if indulged in to excess or while walking with young gentlemen on the +Sabbath. Sport is sport, and no one loves a stiff game of "fives" or +"rounders" more than I, but the spectacle of a young unmarried lady and +her escort hanging by their limbs on the Lord's Day from the second +or third cross arm of an electric telegraph pole is certainly carrying +things a bit too far, in my opinion, even in this age of "golf" and lawn +"tennis." + +A young gentleman escorting a young lady on foot to a formal ball or the +opera should walk on the outside, especially if they are both in evening +dress and have a long distance to go. It is never incorrect to suggest +the use of a street car, or as one gets near the Opera House, a carriage +or a "taxicab." + +A young man walking with a young lady, when accosted by a beggar, always +gives the beggar something unless the young lady is his wife or his +sister. + +So much for pedestrians. I can not, of course, pretend to give here all +the rules for those who "go afoot" and I can only say that the safest +principle for correct behavior in this, as in many social matters, is +the now famous reply Thomas Edison once made to the stranger who asked +him with what he mixed his paints in order to get such marvellous +effects. "One part inspiration," replied the great inventor, "and NINE +parts perspiration." In other words, etiquette is not so much a matter +of "genius" as of steady application to small details. + + +TRAVELLING BY RAIL + +In America much of the travelling is done by "rail." The etiquette of +railroad behavior is extremely complicated, especially if one is forced +to spend the night en route (on the way) and many and ludicrous are the +mistakes made by those whose social training has apparently fitted them +more for a freight car than for an up-to-date "parlor" or "Pullman" +coach. + + +GOOD FORM ON A STREET CAR + +Let us, first of all, however, take up some of the simpler forms of rail +transportation, such as, for example, the electric street or "tram" car +now to be seen on the main highways and byways of all our larger cities. +The rules governing behavior on these vehicles often appear at first +quite complicated, but when one has learned the "ropes," as they say in +the Navy, one should have no difficulty. + +An elderly lady with a closed umbrella, for example, desiring to take +a street car, should always stand directly under a large sign marked +"Street Cars Do Not Stop On This Corner." As the car approaches she +should run quickly out to the car tracks and signal violently to the +motorman with the umbrella. As the car whizzes past without stopping she +should cease signalling, remark "Well I'll be God damned!" and return +to the curbstone. After this performance has been repeated with three +successive cars she should then walk slowly out and lie down, in a +dignified manner, across the car tracks. In nine cases out of ten +the motorman of the next "tram" will see her lying there and will be +gentleman enough to stop his car. + +When this happens the elderly lady should get quietly up from the street +and stand outside the door marked "Exit Only" until the motorman opens +it for her. She should then enter with the remark, "I signalled to three +cars and not one of them stopped," to which the motorman will reply, +"But, lady, that sign there says they don't stop on this corner." The +lady should then say "What's your number--I'm going to report you." + +After taking his number she should enter the car. At the opposite end +of the vehicle there will undoubtedly be three or four vacant seats; +instead of taking one of these she should stand up in front of some +young man and glare at him until he gets up and gives her his place. + +It is not customary in American cities for ladies to thank gentlemen who +provide them with seats. + +After a few minutes she should turn to the man at her right and ask +"Does this car go to Madison Heights?" He will answer "No." She should +then turn to the man on her left and ask "Does this car go to Madison +Heights?" He will answer "No." Her next question--"Does this car go to +Madison Heights?"--should be addressed to a man across the aisle, and +the answer will be "No." She should then listen attentively while +the conductor calls out the names of the streets and as he shouts +"Blawmnoo!" she should ask the man at her right "Did he say Madison +Heights?" He will reply "No." At the next street the conductor will +shout "Blawmnoo!" at which she should ask "Did he say Madison Heights?" +Once more the answer will be in the negative. The car will proceed, the +conductor will now call "Blawmnoo!" and as the elderly lady once more +says "Did he say Madison Heights?" the man at her left, the man at her +right, the man across the aisle and eight other male passengers will +shout "YES!" + +It is then correct for her to pickup her umbrella and, carefully waiting +until the conductor has pulled the "go ahead" signal, she should cry +"Wait a minute, conductor--I want to get off here." The car will then +be stopped and she should say "Is this Madison Heights?" to which the +conductor will reply "This ain't the Madison Heights car, lady." She +should then say "But you called out Madison Heights," to which he will +answer "No, lady--that's eight miles in the opposite direction." She +should then leave the street car, not forgetting, however, to take the +conductor's number again. + +The above hints for "tram" car etiquette apply, of course, only to +elderly ladies. For young men and women the procedure would be in many +cases quite different. A young married woman, for example, on entering a +street car, should always have her ticket or small "change" so securely +buried in the fourth inside pocketbook of her handbag that she cannot +possibly find it inside of twelve minutes. Three or more middle-aged +ladies, riding together, should never decide as to who is to pay the +fare until the conductor has gone stark raving mad. + + +{illustration caption = Her conduct has stamped the young lady as a +provincial and it is not to be wondered at if suppressed titters and +half audible chuckles follow her about the room. PERFECT BEHAVIOR would +have taught her that it is not the prerogative of a muddy-complexioned +dud--even if she has had only one dance and her costume is very +expensive--to cut in on a gentleman (by grabbing his neck or any other +method) when he is dancing with the wide-eyed beauty from the South who +leaves in five minutes to catch a train. He will be within his rights +when, at the end of five minutes, after three unsuccessful attempts to +loosen her grip, he will carry her into the garden under false pretences +and there play the hose on her until she drowns. + + +{illustration caption = They are leaving the home of an intimate friend +of several weeks' standing, after having witnessed a Private Theatrical. +Both feel that some return should be made for their hostess's kindness +but neither is certain as to just what form the return should take. The +Book of PERFECT BEHAVIOR would have pointed out to them that the only +adequate and satisfactory revenge for this sort of thing is to invite +the lady, as soon as possible without exciting her suspicion, to attend +an Italian opera or a drawing-room musicale. + + + +IN THE SUBWAY + +The rules governing correct behavior in the underground "subway" systems +of our great cities (particularly the New York subways) are, however, +much more simple and elemental than the etiquette for surface cars. In +the subway, for example, if you are a married man and living with your +wife, or head of a family, i. e., a person who actually supports one or +more persons living in (or under) his (or her) household on the last +day of the preceding calendar year, provided that such person or persons +shall not on or before July 1 or if July 1 shall fall on a Sunday then +on the day nearest preceding July 1, himself (or themselves) have filed +a separate report as provided in paragraph (g), you should precede a +lady when entering, and follow a lady when leaving, the train. + + +A HONEYMOON IN A SUBWAY + +On the other hand, a wedding or a "honeymoon" trip in a subway brings +up certain problems of etiquette which are entirely different from the +above. Let us suppose, for example, that the wedding takes place at high +noon in exclusive old "Trinity" church, New York. The nearest subway +is of course the "Interborough" (West Side) and immediately after the +ceremony the lucky couple can run poste haste to the "Battery" and board +a Lenox Ave. Local. Arriving at romantic Chambers St. they should change +at once to a Bronx Park Express which will speedily whizz them past 18th +St., 23rd St. and 28th St. to the Pennsylvania Station where they can +again transfer, this time to a Broadway Local. In a jiffy and two winks +of an eye they will be at Times Square, the heart of the "Great White +Way" (that Mecca of pleasure seekers and excitement lovers) where they +can either change to a Broadway Express, journeying under Broadway +to historic Columbia University and Harlem, or they can take the +busy little "shuttle" which will hurry them over to the Grand Central +Station. There they can board the aristocratic East Side Subway, either +"up" or "down" town. The trip "up town" (Lexington Ave. Express) passes +under some of the better class residential districts, but the journey +in the other direction is perhaps more interesting, including as it does +such stops as 14th St., Brooklyn Bridge, Fulton Street, Wall Street (the +financial center) etc., not to mention a delightful passage under the +East River to Brooklyn, the city of homes and churches. Thus without +getting out of their seats the happy pair can be transported from +one fascinating end of the great city to the other and when they have +exhausted the possibilities of a honeymoon in the Interborough they can +change, with the additional cost of only a few cents apiece, to the B. +R. T. or the Hudson Tubes which will gladly carry them to a thousand new +and interesting places--a veritable Aladdin's lamp on rails. + + +TRAVELLING UNDER STEAM + +And now we come to that most complex form of travel--the railroad +journey. Let us suppose that instead of attempting to walk to New York +you have elected to go on the "train." On the day of your departure you +should carefully pack your bag or suitcase, taking care to strap and +lock it securely. You can then immediately unstrap and unlock it in +order to put in the tooth paste and shaving brush which you forgot to +bring from the bathroom. + +Arriving at the station promptly on the time scheduled for the train +to depart you will find that because of "daylight saving time" you +have exactly an hour to wait. The time, however, can be amusingly and +economically spent in the station as follows: 11 weighing machines +@.01 =.11; 3 weighing machines @.05 =.15; 1 weighing machine (out +of order).09; 17 slot machines (chocolate and gum) @.01 =.17. Total +cost--.50, unless, of course, you eat the chocolate. + +Upon the arrival of the train you consult your ticket to find that +you have "lower 9" in car 43. Walking back to the end of the train and +entering car 43 you will find, in berth number 9, a tired woman and +two small children. You will also find a hat box, a bird cage, a bag of +oranges, a bag of orange peelings, a shoe-box of lunch, a rag doll, a +toy balloon, half a "cookie" and 8,000,000 crumbs. The tired woman will +then say to you "Are you the gentleman who has the lower berth?" to +which you answer "Yes." She will then say "Well say--we've got the +upper--and I wonder if you would mind--" "Not at, all," you reply, "I +should be only too glad to give you my lower." This is always done. + +After you have seated yourself and the train has started the lady's +little boy will announce, "I want a drink, Mama." After he has repeated +this eleven times his mother will say to you "I wonder if you would mind +holding the baby while I take Elmer to get a drink?" + +The etiquette of holding babies is somewhat difficult for bachelors to +master at first as there are no hard and fast rules governing conduct +under these circumstances. An easy "hold" for beginners and one which is +difficult for the ordinary baby to break consists in wrapping the left +and right arms firmly around the center of the child, at the same time +clutching the clothing with the right hand and the toes with the left +and praying to God that the damn thing won't drop. + +In this particular case, after Elmer and his mother have gone down the +aisle after a drink, the baby which you are holding will at once begin +to cry. Now as every mother knows, and especially those mothers who have +had children, a baby does not cry without some specific reason and all +that is necessary in the present instance is to discover this reason. +First of all, the child may be merely hungry, in which case you should +at once ask the porter to bring you the a la carte menu. You should then +carefully go over the list of dishes with the infant, taking care to +spell out and explain such names as he may not understand. "How would +you like some nice assorted hors d'oeuvres?" you say. "Waaaaa!" says +the baby. "No hors d'oeuvres," you say to the waiter. "Some blue points, +perhaps--you know, o-y-s-t-e-r-s?" You might even act out a blue point +or two, as in charades, so that the child will understand what you mean. +In case, however, the baby does not cease crying after having eaten +the first three or four courses, you should not insist on a salad and a +dessert, for probably it is not hunger which is occasioning the outcry. +Perhaps it is a pin, in which case you should at once bend every +effort to the discovery and removal of the irritant. The most generally +accepted modern way of effecting this consists in passing a large +electro-magnet over every portion of the child's anatomy and the pin +(if pin there be) will of course at once come to light. Then, too, many +small children cry merely because they have swallowed something which +does not agree with them, such as, for example, a gold tooth or a shoe +horn; the remedy in this case consists in IMMEDIATELY feeding the child +the proper counter irritant. There is, really, no great mystery +about the successful raising of children and with a few common sense +principles, such as presented above, any mother may relieve herself of a +great deal of useless anxiety. I hope I may be pardoned for a digression +here, but I feel very strongly that "today's babies are tomorrow's +citizens" and I do want to see them brought up in the proper way. + +But to return to our train. Perhaps by this time the mother and Elmer +will have returned and you will be relieved of further investigation as +to the cause of the infant's discomfort. A few minutes later, however, +little Elmer will say "Mama, I want the window open." This request will +be duly referred to you via the line of authority. It is then your duty +to assume a firm upright stance, with the weight evenly distributed +on both feet, and work for twelve minutes and thirty-nine seconds in a +terrific struggle to raise the windows. At the end of twelve minutes and +forty seconds you will succeed, the window will slowly go up, and the +train will at once enter a tunnel, filling the car and you with coal +smoke. In the resulting darkness and confusion you should seize little +Elmer, throw him quickly out of the open window and make your escape to +the gentlemen's smoking compartment in the rear of your car. + +In the "smoker" you will find three men. The first of these will be +saying "and he told me that a bootlegger he knew had cleaned up a +thousand dollars a week since January." The second will say "Well down +where I come from there's men who never took a drink before prohibition +who get drunk all the time now." The third will say "Well, I tell you, +men--the saloon had to go." + +Provision for satisfying the "inner man" is now a regular part of the +equipment of all modern trains, and about 6:30 or 7 you should leave +your companions in the "smoker" and walk through the train until you +reach the "diner." Here you will seat yourself at a table with three +other gentlemen, the first of whom will be remarking, as you sit +down, "and I know for a fact that this bootlegger is making over fifty +thousand dollars a year." + + +A CORRECT NIGHT IN A PULLMAN + +Before the days of modern railroads one could not very well travel over +night but now, thanks to Mr. Pullman, it is possible for the traveller +to go to bed en route and be every bit as snug and comfortable as the +proverbial insect in a rug. Shortly after dinner the porter will "make +up" the berths in the car and when you desire to retire for the night you +should ask him to bring you the ladder in order that you may ascend to +upper 9. While you are waiting you should stand in the aisle and remove +your coat, vest and shoes, and then begin to search for your suitcase +which you will finally locate by crawling on your chin and stomach under +berth number 11. When you again resume an upright position the train +will give a sudden lurch, precipitating you into berth number 12. A +woman's voice will then say "Alice?" to which you should of course +answer "No" and climb quickly up the ladder into your proper berth. + +A great deal of "to do" is often made of the difficulty involved in +undressing in an upper berth but most of this is quite uncalled for. +Experienced travellers now generally wait until the lights of the car +have been dimmed or extinguished when the disrobing can be done quite +simply in five counts, as follows: One--unloosen all clothing and lie +flat on the back. The respiration should be natural, easy and through +the lungs. The muscles should be relaxed; Two--pivoting on the back of +the head and neck, inhale quickly, at the same time drawing the +muscles of the legs and arms sharply under the body, as for a spring; +Three--spring suddenly upward and to the right (or left), catching the +bell cord (which extends along the roof of the train) with the teeth, +hands and feet; Four--holding firmly to the cord with the knees, +describe a sudden arc downward with the head and body, returning to +position as soon as the shirt and undershirt have dropped off into +the aisle; Five--taking a firm hold on the cord with the teeth, let go +sharply with the knees. The trousers, etc., should at once slide off, +and you can (and, in fact, should) then swing yourself quickly back into +your berth and pajamas. + +Once inside your "bunk" you should drift quickly off to slumberland, and +when you wake up it will be five minutes later and the--------engineer +will be trying to see what he can do with an air brake and a few steel +sleeping cars. + +In the morning you will be in New York. + + + +CHAPTER FOUR: AT THE CONCERT AND THE OPERA + +In order to listen to music intelligently--or what is really much +more important--in order to give the appearance of listening to music +intelligently, it is necessary for the novice to master thoroughly two +fundamental facts. + +The first, and most important of these, is that the letter "w" in +Russian is pronounced like "v"; the second, that Rachmaninoff has a +daughter at Vassar. + +Not very difficult, surely--but it is remarkable how much enjoyment one +can get out of music by the simple use of these two formulas. With a +little practise in their use, the veriest tyro can bewilder her escort +even though she be herself so musically uninformed as to think that the +celeste is only used in connection with Aida, or that a minor triad is +perhaps a young wood nymph. + +One other important fundamental is that enthusiasm should never be +expressed for any music written after 1870; by a careful observance of +this rule one will constantly experience that delightful satisfaction +which comes with finding one's opinions shared by the music critics in +the daily press. + + +{illustration caption = The young lady in the picture has just laid out +a perfect drive. She had, unfortunately, neglected to wait until the +gentleman playing ahead of her had progressed more than fifteen yards +down the fairway, and her ball, traveling at a velocity of 1675 f.s., +has caught the gentleman squarely in the half-pint bottle. What mistake, +if any, is the gentleman making in chasing her off the course with his +niblick, if we assume that she called "Fore!" when the ball had attained +to within three feet of the gentleman?} + +{illustration caption = You will exclaim, no doubt, on looking at the +scene depicted above, "Cherchez la femme." It is, however, nothing +so serious as you will pardonably suppose. The gentleman is merely an +inexperienced "gun" at a shooting-party, who has begun following his +bird before it has risen above the head of his loader. This very clumsy +violation of the etiquette of sport proves, beyond the shadow of a +doubt, that he has learned to shoot from the comic papers, and that his +coat-of-arms can never again be looked upon as anything but bogus.} + + +LISTENING TO A SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA + +The first thing to do on arriving at a symphony concert is to express +the wish that the orchestra will play Beethoven's Fifth. If your +companion then says "Fifth what?" you are safe with him for the rest +of the evening; no metal can touch you. If, however, he says "So do +I"--this is a danger signal and he may require careful handling. + +The next step is a glance at the program. If your escort is quite good +looking and worth cultivating, the obvious remark is "Oh dear--not a +very interesting program, to-night. But George--LOOK at what they are +playing next Thursday! My, I wish--." If George shies at this, it can be +tried again later--say during an "appassionato" passage for the violins +and cellos. + +As soon as the music starts, all your attention should be directed +toward discovering someone who is making a noise--whispering or +coughing; having once located such a creature, you should immediately +"sh-sh" him. Should he continue the offence, a severe frown must +accompany the next "sh-sh," a lorgnette--if available--adding great +effectiveness to the rebuke. This will win you the gratitude of your +neighbors and serve to establish your position socially, as well as +musically--for perfect "sh-shers" do not come from the lower classes. + +At the conclusion of the first number the proper remark is "hmmm," +accompanied by a slow shake of the head. After this you may use any one +of a number of remarks, as for example, "Well, I suppose Mendelssohn +appeals to a great many people," or "That was meaningless enough to have +been written by a Russian." This latter is to be preferred, for it leads +your companion to say, "But don't you like TschaiKOWsky?", pronouncing +the second syllable as if the composer were a female bull. You can +then reply, "Why, yes, TschaiKOFFsky DID write some rather good +music--although it's all neurotic and obviously Teutonic." Don't fail to +stress the "v." + +The next number on the program will probably be the soloist--say, a +coloratura soprano. Your first remark should be that you don't really +care for the human voice--the reason being, of course, that symphonic +Music, ABSOLUTE music, has spoiled you for things like vocal gymnastics. +This leads your bewildered friend to ask you what sort of soloist you +prefer. + +Ans.--Why, a piano concerto, of course. + +Ques.--And who is your favorite pianist? + +Ans.--Rachmaninoff. And then, before the boy has time to breathe +--SHOOT! "Did you knoow that he has a daughter at Vassar?" + +Although not necessary, it might be well to finish off the poor fellow +at the end of the concert with one or two well placed depth bombs. My +own particular favorite for this is the following, accompanied by a low +sigh: "After all--Beethoven IS Beethoven." + + +CORRECT BEHAVIOR AT A PIANO RECITAL + +The same procedure is recommended for the piano or violin recital, with +the possible addition of certain phrases such as "Yes--of course, she +has technique--but, my dear, so has an electric piano." This remark +gives you a splendid opportunity for sarcasm at the expense of Mr. +Duo-Art and other manufacturers of mere mechanical perfection; the word +"soul"--pronounced with deep feeling, as when repeating a fish order to +a stupid waiter--may be introduced effectively several times. + +The program at these recitals is likely to be more complex than that +at a symphony concert. This is a distinct advantage, for it gives you a +splendid opportunity to catch some wretch applauding before the music +is really finished. Nothing is quite comparable to the satisfaction of +smiling knowingly at your neighbors when this faux pas is committed, +unless it be the joy of being the first to applaud at the REAL +conclusion. This latter course, however, is fraught with danger for the +beginner; the chances for errors in judgment are many, and the only sure +way to avoid anachronistic applause is to play the safe game and +refrain altogether from any expression of approval--a procedure which +is heartily recommended for the musically ignorant, it being also the +practise among the majority of the critics. + + +IN A BOX AT THE OPERA + +The opera differs from the symphony concert, or piano recital, in the +same way that the army drill command of "At Ease!" differs from "Rest!" +When one of these orders (I never could remember which is given to a +battalion in formation), it signifies that talking is permitted; opera, +of course, corresponds to that command. + +Before the invention of the phonograph it was often necessary for the +opera goer to pay some attention to the performance--at least while +certain favorite arias were being sung; this handicap to the enjoyment +of opera has now fortunately been overcome and one can devote one's +entire attention to other more important things, safe in one's knowledge +that one has Galli-Curci at home on the Vic. + +In order really to get the most out of an opera a great deal of study +and preparation is required in advance; I have not space at this time to +cover these preliminaries thoroughly, but would recommend to the earnest +student such supplemental information as can be obtained from Lady +Duff-Gordon, or Messrs. Tiffany, Tecla and Pinaud. + +Upon entering one's box the true opera lover at once assumes a musical +attitude; this should be practised at home, by my lady, before a mirror +until she is absolutely sure that the shoulders and back can be seen +from any part of the house. Then, with the aid of a pair of strong opera +glasses, she may proceed to scrutinize carefully the occupants of the +boxes--noting carefully any irregular features. Technical phraseology, +useful in this connection, includes "unearthly creature," "stray +leopard" or, simply, "that person." + +Your two magical formulas--the Russian "w" and the sad story about +Rachmaninoff's daughter--may, of course, be held in reserve--but the +chances are that you will be unable to use them, for during an evening +at the opera there will probably be no mention of music. + + + + +CHAPTER FIVE: ETIQUETTE FOR DRY AGENTS + +SOME BROADER ASPECTS OF PROHIBITION + +In spite of the great pride and joy which we Americans feel over the +success of National Prohibition; in spite of the universal popularity of +the act and the method of its enforcement; in spite of the fact that it +is now almost impossible to obtain in any of our ex-saloons anything +in the least resembling whiskey or gin,--there still remains the +distressing suspicion that quite possibly, at some of the dinner +parties and dances of our more socially prominent people, liquor--or its +equivalent--is openly being served. Dry agents have, of course, tried on +several occasions to verify this suspicion; their praiseworthy efforts +have met, for the most part, with scant success. + +The main difficulty has been, I believe, that the average dry agent is +too little versed in the customs and manners of polite society. It is +lamentably true that, too often, has a carefully planned society dry +raid been spoiled because the host noticed that one of his guests was +wearing white socks with a black tie, or that the intruder was using his +dessert spoon on the hors d'oeuvres. + +The solution of this difficulty lies, of course, in the gradual +procuring of a better class of dry agent. There are signs (though, +unfortunately, in the wrong direction) that some of our younger college +generation are already casting envious eyes toward the rich rewards, +the social opportunities and the exciting life of the professional +bootlegger. + +It might be well to interest some of these promising youngsters in the +no less exciting occupation of National Prohibition Enforcement Officer. +At present the chief difficulty seems to lie in the fact that, in our +preparatory schools and colleges, a young man acquires a certain code +of honor which causes him to look with distaste on what he calls +pussyfooting and sneaking. + +People too often forget that, in order to make effective such a +universally beneficent law, any means are justified. It will be, I hope, +only a matter of years before this distrust of the "sneak" will have +died out, and the Dry Agent will come to be regarded with the +reverence and respect due to one who devotes his life to the altruistic +investigation of his neighbor's affairs. + + +THE COLLEGE GRADUATE AS DRY AGENT + +Then, too, many young college men are deterred from becoming Dry Agents +by thinking of the comparative scantiness of the monetary rewards. This +difficulty is only an imaginary one--for, luckily, as soon as a man's +code of honor has been elevated to the extent that it permits him to +take up a career of pussy-footing there is generally eliminated at the +same time any objection he might have to what is often called bribery. +Thus, by a fortunate combination of circumstances, a Dry Agent is +enabled to serve mankind and, at the same time, greatly increase his own +personal fortune. + +But we cannot wait until our college graduates come to regard +pussyfooting as a career. We must do what we can with the material at +our disposal. We must in some way educate our present Dry Agents so +that they can go to any function in polite society and remain as +inconspicuous and as completely disregarded as the host. As a first step +in such a social training I offer the following suggestions, in the hope +that before long no function will be complete without the presence +of four or five correctly dressed National Prohibition Enforcement +Officers, ready and eager to arrest the host and hostess and all the +guests on the slightest provocation. + + +PLANNING A DRY RAID ON A MASQUERADE BALL + +Let us suppose, for example, that you are a Dry Agent and that your name +is Isador Eisenberg, and, one day, you and your chief are sitting around +the Dry Agent's Club and he says to you, "Izzy--I see by the paper +that there's a swell society masquerade ball to be given by the younger +married set tomorrow night at the Glen Cove Country Club. Take your +squad to cover it." At this point you doubtless say, "Chief, I'm afraid +I can't use my squad. My men have been disguised as trained seals all +this week, and tomorrow night, they are to raid all the actresses' +dressing rooms at the Hippodrome" and then the Chief says, "Well, Izzy, +you'll have to rent a costume and pull off the raid all by yourself." + + +A WORD ABOUT CORRECT COSTUMES + +Your first concern should be, of course, your costume. If you have a +high voice (although really there is no reason for supposing that all +Dry Agents have high voices), you might well attend the masquerade +disguised as a lady. One of the neatest and, on the whole, most +satisfactory of ladies' disguises is that of Cleopatra. Cleopatra, as +you know, was once Queen of Egypt and the costume is quite simple and +attractive. It may be, however, that you would prefer to appear as a +modern rather than an ancient queen. A modern Queen (if one may judge +from the illustrated foreign periodicals) always wears a plain suit +and carries a tightly rolled umbrella. Should you care to attend the +masquerade as an allegorical figure--say "2000 Years of Progress"--you +might wear the Cleopatra costume and carry the umbrella. Or you might +go attired as some other less prominent member of the nobility--for +instance, Lady Dartmouth, whose delightful costume is more or less +featured in the advertising on our better class subways and street cars, +and can be obtained at a comparatively small cost at any reliable dry +goods store. + +Should you, however, feel that you would be more at ease in a male +costume, there are several suggestions which might cleverly conceal +your real identity. You might, for example, attend the ball as Jurgen--a +costume which would assure you a pleasurable evening and many pleasing +acquaintances. You might, with equal satisfaction, go as an Indian. + +It occurs to me that it might even be a clever move to attend the party +dressed as a Dry Agent. All suspicion would be instantly lost in the +uproar of laughter which would greet your announcement of your disguise; +many men would probably so far enter into the spirit of the joke as to +offer you drinks from their flasks, and much valuable evidence could +be obtained in this way. And the costume is quite easy--simply wear a +pleated soft-bosom dress shirt with your evening dress, and tuck the +ends of your black tie under your collar. + + +{illustration caption = Packets of old letters, bits of verse, locks +of hair, pressed flowers, inscribed books, photographs, etc., all +make acceptable wedding gifts. By telling you whether they should be +presented to the Bride or to the Groom PERFECT BEHAVIOR has, we feel, +settled the question of future happiness in many a new-made home.} + +{illustration caption = You are, let us say, one of the Ushers attending +the Bachelor Dinner. You are handed a bottle of Chateau Lafitte '69. +Can you select, from the diagram above, the proper implement to use in +getting at its contents? The correct methods of choosing and using table +hardware are explained in PERFECT BEHAVIOR.} + +{illustration caption = The young couple in the picture are trying +to word a plausible letter of regret in answer to an invitation to a +house-party. Had they consulted their PERFECT BEHAVIOR they would have +known that there is no plausible excuse for not accepting any invitation +whatever, and that the simplest and most dignified, method is to write +the attached model letter.} + +{illustration caption = Not realizing his mistake, the Groom stands +waiting for the Bridal Procession, apparently in high spirits and +the best of health. Such an attitude toward a wedding is in the worst +possible taste. PERFECT BEHAVIOR tells all about the correct appearance +and conduct of Bridegrooms.} + +{illustration caption = The Best Man has just been introduced to the +Maid of Honor. Instead of waiting for her to extend her hand and make +the acknowledgment, he has turned on his heel and bolted from the room. +This constitutes a social blunder, after the commission of which he +could never again, in polite society, be considered quite a gentleman. +PERFECT BEHAVIOR would have told him how the man of birth and breeding +learns to face anything with perfect "Sang froid."} + +{illustration caption = The Groom has just presented his Best Man to +his sister, who, though she is more than eager to make every one feel at +home, has failed to make at once the pun "de rigueur" on the words "best +man." An awkward silence has ensued. What is to be done? Should one of +the gentlemen fill the breach by making the pun for her? If so, which? +PERFECT BEHAVIOR covers the whole subject of making the "best man" pun +authoritatively.} + +{illustration caption = The young man at the right does not know how to +drink. Nevertheless, he has been selected by a friend to act as Best Man +at his wedding and has attended the Bachelor Dinner. Instead of +doing what he should do under the circumstances, he is making himself +conspicuous by remaining coherent while the others sing "Mademoiselle +from Alabam'." Had the Bridegroom provided himself with a copy of +PERFECT BEHAVIOR he would have known better than to have selected him.} + + +GOOD FORM FOR DRY AGENTS DURING A RAID + +After the costume, you should arrange to obtain a mask and a breath. +The former is, of course, for the purpose of hiding your identity; the +latter is essential at any party where you wish to remain inconspicuous. +A good whisky breath can usually be obtained from a bottle of any of the +better known brands of Scotch or Rye whisky by holding a small quantity +of the liquor in the mouth for a short period of time. It is not, of +course, necessary to swallow the liquor and in this connection I would +suggest that you use only the best grade whisky, for there are at +present being manufactured for domestic consumption several brands +which, if held in the mouth for a longer interval than, say, three +seconds, are apt to eat away the tongue or dissolve several of your more +important teeth. + +On the night of the party, therefore, having donned your Dry Agent +costume, having put on your mask, having secured a good breath--you +jump into a taxicab and drive to the Glen Cove Country Club. And, as +you enter the door of the club, some girl, dressed, probably, as Martha +Washington, will run up and kiss you. This is not because she thinks +you are George Washington; it is because she drank that eighth Bronx +cocktail at dinner. + +And right at this point is where most Dry Agents have displayed their +ignorance of the usages of polite society, for most of them are wofully +ignorant of the correct way to handle such a situation. Your average Dry +Agent, not being accustomed to the ways of Younger Marrieds, is often +confused upon being unexpectedly kissed, and in his confusion betrays +his unfortunate lack of social training. + +The correct way to meet the above situation is based on the fundamental +rule of all social etiquette--common sense. Return the lady's kiss in an +easy, natural manner and pass on. If she follows you, lead her at once +to a quiet unoccupied corner of the club and knock her over the head +with a chair or some other convenient implement. It has been found that +this is the only effective way to deal with this type of woman and it +is really only a kindness to her and her husband to keep her from +embarrassing you with her attentions during the rest of the evening. + +After you have removed your coat, you should go to the ball room where +you will find the dance in full swing--full being of course used in its +common or alcoholic sense. Take your place in the stag line and don't, +under any circumstances, allow anyone to induce you to cut in on any of +the dancers. In the first place, you won't be able to dance because Dry +Agents, like Englishmen, never can; secondly, if you TRY to dance, you +are taking the enormous chance, especially at a masquerade, that the man +who introduced you to your partner will disappear for the rest of the +evening, leaving you with Somebody's Albatross hanging around your +neck. And, of all Albatrosses, the married one is perhaps farthest +South--especially if she happens to be a little tight and wants to talk +about her husband and children. + +Your policy, therefore, should be one of complete non-partisanship. If +you do not dance, do not let yourself be drawn into conversation, and do +not, above all things, show any consideration for the host or hostess. +By closely observing the actions of the men and women about you, by +wandering down into the club bar, by peeking into the automobiles +parked outside the club, you will probably be able to obtain sufficient +evidence of the presence of alcohol to justify a raid. And then, when +you have raided the Glen Cove Country Club, you can turn your attention +to the 12,635,439 other clubs and private houses where the same thing is +going on. And, if Mr. Volstead has a dress suit, you might take him with +you, and show him just how beautifully Prohibition is working and how +enthusiastic the better classes of American society are about it. + + + +CHAPTER SIX: A CHAPTER FOR SCHOOLGIRLS + +Every Fall a larger number of young girls leave home to come East to +the various Finishing Schools in this section of the country. For the +benefit of those who are making this trip for the first time, we outline +a few of the more important points in connection with the preliminaries +to the trip East, together with minute instructions as to the journey +itself. + + +SELECTING A PROPER SCHOOL + +This is, of course, mainly a parent's problem and is best solved by +resorting to the following formula: Let A and B represent two young +girls' finishing schools in the East. Mrs. Raleigh-Jones (X), from the +West, sends her daughter to A; Mrs. Borax (Y), from the same city, sends +her daughter to B. Upon consulting the local social register, it is +found that Mr. Raleigh-Jones is a member of the Union, Colonial, Town +and Country, and Valley Hunt Clubs; upon consulting the telephone +directory it is found that the Boraxes live at 1217 S. Main Street, and +that Mr. Borax is an undertaker. Shall Mrs. F. B. Gerald (Z) send her +daughter Annette to A or to B, and why? + +Answer: A, because life is real, life is earnest, and the grave is not +its goal. + + +CORRECT EQUIPMENT FOR THE SCHOOLGIRL + +Having selected an educational institution, the next requisite is a +suitable equipment. Girls who live in other parts of the United States +are often surprised to discover that the clothes which they have +purchased at the best store in their home town are totally unsuited +for the rough climate of the East. I would, therefore, recommend the +following list, subject, of course, to variation in individual cases. + + 1 Dress, chine, crepe de, pink, for dancing. + 1 Dress, chine, crepe de, pink, for petting. + 1 Dress, Swiss, Dotted, blue, or + 1 Dress, Swiss, undotted, white. + 15 yards Tulle, best quality, pink. + 4 bottles perfume, domestic, or + 1 bottle, perfume, French. + 12 Dozen Dorine, men's pocket size. + 6 Soles, cami, assorted. + 1 Brassiere, or riding habit. + 100 boxes aspirin, for dances and house-parties. + 1 wave, permanent, for conversation. + 24 waves, temporary. + 10,000 nets, hair. + 100,000 pins, hair. + 1 bottle Quelques Fleurs, for knockout. + + +EN ROUTE + +After the purchase of a complete outfit, it will be necessary to say +goodbye to one's local friends. Partings are always somewhat sad, but +it will be found that much simple pleasure may be derived from the last +nights with the various boys to whom one is engaged. + +In this connection, however, it would be well to avoid making any rash +statements regarding undying friendship and affection, because, when you +next see Eddie or Walter, at Christmas time, you will have been three +months in the East, while they have been at the State University, and +really, after one starts dancing with Yale men--well, it's a funny +world. + +In case you do not happen to meet any friends on the train, the surest +way to protect yourself from any unwelcome advances is to buy a copy of +the Atlantic Monthly and carry it, in plain view. Next to a hare lip, +this is the safest protection for a travelling young girl that I know +of; it has, however, the one objection that all the old ladies on the +train are likely to tell you what they think of Katherine Fullerton +Gerould, or their rheumatism. + +If you are compelled to go to the dining car alone, you will probably +sit beside an Elk with white socks, who will call the waiter "George." +Along about the second course he will say to you, "It's warm for +September, isn't it?" to which you should answer "No." That will dispose +of the Elk. + +Across the table from you will be a Grand Army man and his wife, going +to visit their boy Elmer's wife's folks in Schenectady. When the fish is +served, the Grand Army man will choke on a bone. Let him choke, but do +not be too hopeful, as the chances are that he will dislodge the bone. +All will go well until the dessert, when his wife will begin telling how +raspberry sherbet always disagrees with her. Offer her your raspberry +sherbet. + +After dinner you may wish to read for a while, but the porter will +probably have made up all the berths for the night. It will also be +found that the light in your berth does not work, so you will be awake +for a long time; finally, just as you are leaving Buffalo, you will at +last get to sleep, and when you open your eyes again, you will be--in +Buffalo. + +There will be two more awakenings that night--once at Batavia, where a +merry wedding party with horns and cow bells will follow the lucky bride +and groom into your car, and once at Schenectady, where the Pullman car +shock-absorbing tests are held. The next morning, tired but unhappy, you +will reach New York. + + +A JOURNEY AROUND NEW YORK + +The Aquarium. Take Fifth Avenue Bus to Times Square. Transfer to 42nd +Street Crosstown. Get off at 44th Street, and walk one block south to +the Biltmore. The most interesting fish will be found underneath the +hanging clock, near the telephone booths. + +Grant's Tomb. Take Fifth Avenue bus, and a light lunch. Change at +Washington Square to a blue serge or dotted Swiss. Ride to the end of +the line, and walk three blocks east. Then return the same way you came, +followed by three fast sets of tennis, a light supper and early to bed. +If you do not feel better in the morning, cut out milk, fresh fruit and +uncooked foods for a while. + +Metropolitan Museum of Art. Take Subway to Brooklyn. (Flatbush.) Then +ask the subway guard where to go; he will tell you. + +The Bronx. Take three oranges, a lemon, three of gin, to one of +vermouth, with a dash of bitters. Serve cold. + +The Ritz. Take taxicab and fifty dollars. If you have only fifty dollars +the filet of sole Marguery is very good. + +Brooklyn Bridge. Terrible. And their auction is worse. + +When you have visited all these places, it will probably be time to take +the train to your school. + + +THE FIRST DAYS IN THE NEW SCHOOL + +The first week of school life is apt to be quite discouraging, and we +can not too emphatically warn the young girl not to do anything rash +under the influence of homesickness. It is in this initial period that +many girls, feeling utterly alone and friendless, write those letters to +boys back home which are later so difficult to pass off with a laugh. +It is during this first attack of homesickness also that many girls, +in their loneliness, recklessly accept the friendship of other strange +girls, only to find out later that their new acquaintance's mother was a +Miss Gundlefinger of Council Bluffs, or that she lives on the south side +of Chicago. We advise: Go slow at first. + + +BECOMING ACCLIMATIZED + +In your first day at school you will be shown your room; in your room +you will find a sad-eyed fat girl. You will be told that this will be +your room mate for the year. You will find that you have drawn a blank, +that she comes from Topeka, Kan., that her paw made his money in oil, +and that she is religious. You will be nice to her for the first week, +because you aren't taking any chances at the start; you will tolerate +her for the rest of the year, because she will do your lessons for you +every night. + +Across the hall from you there will be two older girls who are back for +their second year. One of them will remind you of the angel painted on +the ceiling of the Victory Theatre back home, until she starts telling +about her summer at Narragansett; from the other you will learn how to +inhale. + + +A VISITOR FROM PRINCETON + +About the middle of the first term your cousin Charley Waldron, that +freshman at Princeton, will write and say that he would like to come +up and see you. You go to Miss French and ask her if you can have your +cousin visit you. She sniffs at the "cousin" and tell's you that she +must have a letter from Charley's father, one from Charley's minister, +one from the governor of your state, and one from some disinterested +party certifying that Charley has never been in the penitentiary, has +never committed arson, and is a legitimate child. After you have secured +these letters, Miss French will tell you that Charley will be allowed to +see you next Saturday from four till five. + +Charley will come and will be ushered into the reception room. While he +is sitting there alone, the entire school will walk slowly, one by +one, past the open door and look in at him. This will cause Charley to +perspire freely and to wish to God he had worn his dark suit. + +It is not at all likely that you will be allowed to go to New Haven +during your first year, which is quite a pity, as this city, founded in +1638, is rich in historical interest. It was here, for example, in 1893, +that Yale defeated Harvard at football, and the historic Pigskin which +was used that day is still preserved intact. Many other quaint relics +are to be seen in and around the city of elms, mementos of the past +which bring to the younger generation a knowledge and respect for things +gone. In the month of June, for example, there is really nothing +which quite conjures up for the college youth of today a sense of the +mutability and impermanence of this mortal life so much as the sight of +a member of the class of 1875 after three days' intensive drinking. Eheu +fugaces! + + +{illustration caption = "Who shall write first?" is a question that +has perplexed many a lady or gentleman who is anxious to do the correct +thing under any circumstances. A lady who has left town may send a brief +note or a "P. P. C." ("pour prendre conge," i.e., "to take leave") card +to a gentleman who remains at home, if the gentleman is her husband and +if she has left town with his business partner. Neither the note nor the +card requires an acknowledgment, but many a husband takes pleasure in +penning his congratulations to the lady, concluding with an expression +of gratitude to his friend.} + + + +CHAPTER SEVEN: THE ETIQUETTE OF GAMES AND SPORTS + +GOLF AS A PASTIME + +"Golf" (from an old Scottish word meaning "golf") is becoming +increasingly popular in the United States, and almost every city now +has at least one private club devoted to the pursuit of this stylish +pastime. Indeed, in many of our larger metropolises, the popular +enthusiasm has reached such heights that free "public" courses have been +provided for the citizens with, I may say, somewhat laughable results, +as witness the fact that I myself have often seen persons playing on +these "public" courses in ordinary shirts and trousers, tennis shoes, +and SUSPENDERS. + +The influence of this "democratization" on the etiquette of what was +once an exclusive sport has been, in many instances, deplorable, and +I am sure that our golf-playing forefathers would turn over in their +graves were they to "play around" today on one of the "public" courses. +In no pastime are the customs and unwritten laws more clearly defined, +and it is essential that the young lady or gentleman of fashion who +contemplates an afternoon on the "links" devote considerable time and +attention to the various niceties of the etiquette of this ancient and +honorable game. + +A young man, for example, when playing with his employer, should +always take pains to let his employer win. This is sometimes extremely +difficult, but with practice even the most stubborn of obstacles can +be overcome. On the first tee, for instance, after the employer, having +swung and missed the ball completely one or two times, has managed to +drive a distance of some forty-nine yards to the extreme right, the +young man should take care to miss the ball completely THREE times, and +then drive forty-eight yards to the extreme left. This is generally +done by closing the eyes tightly and rising up sharply on both toes just +before hitting the ball. + +On the "greens" it is customary for a young man to "concede" his +employer every "putt" which is within twenty feet of the hole. If the +employer insists on "putting" [Ed. note:--He won't] and misses, the +young man should take care to miss his own "putt." After both have +"holed out," the young man should ask, "how many strokes, sir?" The +employer will reply, "Let me see--I think I took seven for this hole, +didn't I?" A well-bred young man will not under any circumstances remind +his employer that he saw him use at least three strokes for the drive, +three strokes for his second shot, four strokes in the "rough," seven +strokes in the "bunker," and three "putts" on the "green," but will +at once reply, "No, sir, I think you only took six, altogether." The +employer will then say, "Well, well, call it six. I generally get +five on this hole. What did you take?" The young man should then laugh +cheerily and reply, "Oh, I took my customary seven." To which the +employer will sympathetically say, "Too bad!" + +After the employer has thus won his first three holes he will begin to +offer the young man advice on how to improve his game. This is perhaps +the most trying part of the afternoon's sport, but a young man of +correct breeding and good taste will always remember the respect due an +older man, and will not make the vulgar error of telling his employer +for God's sake shut up before he gets a brassie in his-------- ear. + +A wife playing with her husband should do everything in her power to +make the game enjoyable for the latter. She should encourage him, when +possible, with little cheering proverbs, such as, "If at first you don't +succeed, try, try again," and she should aid him with her advice when +she thinks he is in need of it. Thus, when he drives into the sycamore +tree on number eleven, she should say, "Don't you think, dear, that if +you aimed a little bit more to the right...." et cetera. When they come +to number fourteen, and his second shot lands in the middle of the lake, +she should remark, "Perhaps you didn't hit it hard enough, dear." And +when, on the eighteenth, his approach goes through the second-story +window of the club-house, she should say, "Dear, I wonder if you didn't +hit that too hard?" Such a wife is a true helpmate, and not merely a +pretty ornament on which a silly husband can hang expensive clothes, +and if he is the right sort of man, he will appreciate this, and refrain +from striking her with a niblick after this last remark. + +A young wife who does not play the game herself can, nevertheless, be +of great help to her husband by listening patiently, night after night, +while he tells her how he drove the green on number three, and took a +four on number eight (Par five), and came up to the fourteenth one under +fours. Caddies should be treated at all times with the respect and +pity due one's fellow creatures who are "unfortunate." The sins of the +fathers are visited upon the children, and one should always remember +that it is not, after all, the poor caddy's fault that he was born +blind. + + +AN AFTERNOON AT THE OLD FARM WITH THE DICE + +"Craps" is a game played with dice, which is often popular in the men's +coat and smoking-rooms before and during formal receptions, balls, +recitals, etcetera. It should not be imagined, however, that "craps" is +a sport for men only; on the contrary, smart women are enthusiastically +taking up this sport in numerous localities, and many an affair which +started as a dinner party or a musicale has ended in a crap game, with +all the guests seated in an excited circle on the floor, contributing to +the host's efforts to make expenses for the evening. + +It is in connection with these "mixed" games, however, that most of the +more serious questions of "craps" etiquette arise. If, for example, you +are a young man desirous of "shooting craps" with your grandmother, the +correct way of indicating your desire when you meet the old lady in a +public place is for you to remove your hat deferentially and say "Shoot +a nickel, Grandmother?" If she wishes to play she will reply "Shoot, +boy!" and you should then select some spot suitable for the game and +assist her, if she wishes your aid, to kneel on the ground. It might be +an added mark of gentility to offer her your handkerchief or coat upon +which to rest her knees. + +You should then take out the dice and "shoot." Your grandmother will +look at your "throw" and say, "Oh, boy! He fives--he fives--a three and +a two--never make a five--come on, you baby seven!" You should then +take up the dice again and shake them in your right hand while your +grandmother chants, "A four and a three--a four and a two--dicety +dice, and an old black joe--come on, you SEVEN!" You should then again +"shoot." This time, as you have thrown a six and a one, your grandmother +will then exclaim, "He sevens--the boy sevens--come on to grandmother, +dice--talk to the nice old lady--Phoebe for grandma, dice, for grandpa +needs a new pair of shoes--shoot a dime!" + +She will then "throw," and so the game will go on until the old lady +evidences a desire to stop, or, possibly, until either you or she are +"cleaned out." In this latter case, however, it would be a customary +act of courtesy towards an older person for you to offer to shoot your +grandmother for her shawl or her side combs, thus giving her several +more chances to win back the money she has lost. It should be +recommended that young men never make a mistake in going a little out of +their way on occasion to make life more pleasant and agreeable for the +aged. + + +CORRECT BEHAVIOR ON A PICNIC + +There often comes a time in the life of the members of "society" when +they grow a little weary of the ceaseless round of teas, balls and +dinners, and for such I would not hesitate to recommend a "picnic." + +A day spent in the "open," with the blue sky over one's head, is indeed +a splendid tonic for jaded nerves. But one should not make the mistake +of thinking that because he (or she) is "roughing it" for a day, he (or +she) can therefore leave behind his (or her) "manners," for such is not +the case. There is a distinct etiquette for picnics, and any one who +disregards this fact is apt to find to his (or her) sorrow that the +"shoe" in this case is decidedly "on the other foot." + +A young man, for example, is often asked by a young lady to accompany +her on a "family picnic." To this invitation he should, after some +consideration, reply either "Yes" or "No," and if the former, he should +present himself at the young lady's house promptly on the day set for +the affair (usually Sunday). + +A "family picnic" generally consists of a Buick, a father, a mother, a +daughter, a small son, beef loaf, lettuce sandwiches, a young man (you), +two blow-outs, one spare tire, and Aunt Florence. + +The father drives with his small boy beside him; in the rear are the +mother, the daughter, Aunt Florence, the thermos bottles, the lunch +baskets and you. As you take your seat you must remember that it is +a distinct evidence of bad breeding to show in any way that you are +conscious of the fact that the car has been standing for the last hour +and forty-four minutes in the hot July sun. + +"We're off!" cries father, pressing his foot on the self-starting pedal. +Thirty minutes later you roll away from the curb and the picnic has +begun. The intervening time has, of course, been profitably spent by you +in walking to the nearest garage for two new sparkplugs. + +It should be your duty, as guest, to see that the conversation in the +rear seat is not allowed to lag. "It's a great day," you remark, as the +car speeds along. "I think it's going to rain," replies Aunt Florence. +"Not too fast, Will!" says mother. "Mother!" says the daughter. + +Ten minutes later you should again remark, "My, what a wonderful day!" +"Those clouds are gathering in the west," says Aunt Florence, "I think +we had better put the top up." "I think this is the wrong road," says +mother. + +"Dear, I know what I'm doing," replies father. + +The secret of good conversation lies in discovering the "hobby" of the +person with whom one is conversing, and a good talker always throws out +several "feelers" in order to find out the things in which his partner +is most interested. You should, therefore, next say to mother, "Don't +you think this is a glorious day for a picnic?" to which she will reply, +"Well, I'm sure this is the wrong road. Hadn't you better ask?" The +husband will answer nothing, but Aunt Florence will murmur, "I think I +felt a drop of rain, Will. If you don't put the top up now, we'll all be +drenched." + +The husband will then stop the car, and you and he will proceed to put +up the top. In doing this, it is customary for the guest to get the +second and third fingers of his right hand so severely pinched that he +can not use the hand for several days. As soon as the top is up and the +rain curtains are in place the sun will come out and you can at once get +out and put the top down, taking care this time to ruin two fingers of +the LEFT hand. + +No good conversationalist confines himself exclusively to one subject, +and when you are once more "under way" you should remark to the mother, +"I think that motoring is great fun, don't you, Mrs. Caldwell?" Her +answer will be, "I wish you wouldn't drive so fast!" You should then +smile and say to Aunt Florence, "Don't YOU think that motoring is great +fun, Mrs. Lockwood?" As she is about to reply, the left rear tire will +blow out with a loud noise and the car will come to a bumping stop. + +The etiquette of changing a tire is fairly simple. As soon as the +"puncture" occurs one should at once remark, "Is there anything I can +do?" This request should be repeated from time to time, always taking +care, however, that no one takes it at all seriously. The real duty of a +young man who is a "guest" on a motor trip on which a "blow-out" occurs +is, of course, to keep the ladies of the party amused during the delay. +This can be accomplished by any of the conventional methods, such as +card tricks, handsprings, and other feats of athletic agility, or making +funny jokes about the host who is at work on the tire. + +When the damage has been repaired and the car is once more speeding +along, leaving behind it mile after mile of dusty road as well as +father's best "jack" and set of tire tools, the small boy will suddenly +remark, "I'm hungry." His father will then reply, "We'll be at a fine +place to eat in ten minutes." Thirty minutes later mother will remark, +"Will, that looks like a good place for a picnic over there." The father +will reply, "No--we're coming to a wonderful place--just trust me, +Mary!" Twenty minutes later Aunt Florence will say, "Will, I think that +grove over there would be fine for our lunch," to which the husband +will reply, "We're almost at the place I know about--it's ideal for a +picnic." Forty minutes after this, father will stop the car and point +to a clump of trees. "There," he will say, "what do you think of that?" +"Oh, we can't eat THERE!" will be the answer of mother, daughter and +Aunt Florence. "Drive on a bit further--I think I know a place." + +Three hours and thirty minutes later (i. e. four hours past your normal +lunch hour) there will be another puncture and as the car stops beside a +wheat field it will begin to rain, and the daughter will sigh, "Well, we +might as well eat here." The "picnic" will then be held in the car, and +nothing really quite carries one back to nature and primeval man as does +warm lemonade and a lettuce sandwich in a Buick with the top up and side +curtains on. + +After lunch it will be time to return home, and after you and father +have ruined your clothes in repairing the punctures, the merry party +will proceed on its way. The next morning, if you have not caught +pneumonia, you will be able to go to your work greatly refreshed by your +day's outing in the lap of old Mother Nature. + + +{illustration caption = Nowhere is the etiquette of travel more abused +than our subways. The gentleman shown above is en route to his fiancee's +flat in the Bronx. He has neglected to purchase the customary bouquet +for his intended and has offered his seat to the lady, who is standing, +in exchange for her corsage bouquet. Should she accept the proposition +without further ado, or should she request the guard to introduce the +gentleman first?} + + +{illustration caption = The young lady has received an invitation to a +quilting-bee from a Mrs. Steenwyck and, anxious to make a correct reply, +she has bought a Complete Letter Writer to aid her to this end. To her +surprise and dismay, she finds that it contains three model replies to +such an invitation beginning "Dear Mrs. Peartree," "Dear Mrs. Rombouts," +and "Dear Mrs. Bevy," and one invitation to a christening beginning, +"Dear Mrs. Steenwyck," but no reply to an invitation to a quilting-bee +beginning "Dear Mrs. Steenwyck." PERFECT BEHAVIOR settles such +perplexities.} + +{illustration caption = Crests or other armorial bearings on notepaper +are no longer considered absolutely necessary to establish one's social +position. Nevertheless, if one feels that note-paper that does not bear +the family escutcheon is not quite all that note-paper should be, it +is permissible to have it stamped neatly at the top of the first sheet. +Care should be exercised to avoid selecting coats-of-arms that might be +recognized, such as that of the United States or Great Britain. Rather +solicit the taste of a good stationer than commit the blunders depicted +above.} + + + +BOXING IN AMERICAN SOCIETY + +Although many of America's foremost boxers have been persons whom one +would not care to know socially, yet much fun and pleasure can be had +out of the "manly art" if practised in a gentlemanly manner. + +"Boxing parties" are generally held in the evening. The ballroom of +one's home can be pleasantly decorated for the occasion, with a square +ring roped off in the centre surrounded by seats for the ladies and +gentlemen who come as invited guests. Evening dress is usually worn. + +The contests should be between various members of one's social "set" +who are fond of the sport and can be counted on to remember at all times +that they are gentlemen. + +The matches should be arranged in tournament form, so that the winner of +one bout meets the winner of the next bout, et cetera, until all but +two have been eliminated. The boxer who wins this final contest shall be +proclaimed the "champion." + +Great fun can then be had by announcing that the "champion" will be +permitted to box three rounds with a "masked marvel." The identity +of this "unknown" (who is usually Jack Dempsey or some other noted +professional pugilist) should be kept carefully secret, so that all the +guests are in a glow of mystified excitement when the contest begins, +and you can imagine their delight and happy enthusiasm when the "masked +marvel" cleverly knocks the "champion" for a double loop through the +ropes into the lap of some tittering "dowager." + +Refreshments should then be served and the "champion" can be carried +home in a car or ambulance provided by the thoughtful host. + + +BRIDGE WHIST + +"Bridge whist," or "Bridge," as it is often called by the younger +generation, is rapidly replacing whist as the favorite card game of good +society, and "bridge" parties are much en vogue for both afternoon and +evening entertainments. In order to become an expert "bridge" player +one must, of course, spend many months and even years in a study of the +game, but any gentleman or lady of average intelligence can, I believe, +pick up the fundamentals of "bridge" in a short while. + +Let us suppose, for example, that you, as a "young man about town," are +invited to play "bridge" on the evening of Friday, November seventeenth, +at the home of Mrs. Franklin Gregory. Now, although you may have played +the game only once or twice in your life, it would never do to admit the +fact, for in good society one is supposed to play "bridge" just as one +is supposed to hate newspaper publicity, and on the evening of Friday, +November seventeenth, you should present yourself in suitable attire at +Mrs. Gregory's home. + +There you will find fifteen or twenty other guests, and after a few +minutes of light social banter a bell will ring and the players will +take their places. At your table will be Mrs. F. Jamison Dollings (your +partner) and Mr. and Mrs. Theodore Watts. Mrs. Dollings (Sept. 6, 1880) +is considered one of the most expert "bridge" players in the city, while +Mr. Watts has one of the largest retail clothing stores in the central +part of the State. Mrs. Watts was one of the Van Cortlandt girls (the +plain one). + +As you are probably (next to Mr. and Mrs. Watts) the worst "bridge" +player in the room it should be your duty to make up for this deficiency +by keeping the other three players conversationally stimulated, for +nothing so enlivens a game of "bridge" as a young man or woman with +a pleasing personality and a gift for "small talk." Thus, at the very +beginning, after you have finished dealing the cards, you should fill in +what seems to you an embarrassing pause by telling one of your cleverest +stories, at the conclusion of which Mrs. Dollings will remark, "We are +waiting for your bid, Mr. S----." + +The etiquette of "bidding," as far as you are concerned, should resolve +itself into a consistent effort on your part to become "dummy" for each +and every game. The minute your partner (Mrs. Dollings) bids anything, +it should be your duty as a gentleman to see that she gets it, no matter +what the cost. + +Thus, on the first hand, you "pass." Mr. Watts then says, "Wait a +minute, till I get these cards fixed"; to which Mrs. Watts replies, +"Theodore, for Heaven's sake, how long do you want?" Mr. Watts then +says, "Which is higher--clubs or hearts?" to which Mrs. Watts replies, +"Clubs." Mrs. Dollings then says, "I beg your pardon, but hearts have +always been considered higher than clubs." Mrs. Watts says, "Oh, yes, +of course," and gives Mr. Watts a mean look. Mr. Watts then says, "I +bid--let's see--I bid two spades--no, two diamonds." Mrs. Dollings +quickly says, "Two lilies," Mr. Watts says, "What's a lily?" to which +Mrs. Watts replies, "Theodore!" and then bids "Two spades," at which +Mrs. Dollings says, "I beg your pardon, but I have just bid two spades." +Mr. Watts then chuckles, and Mrs. Watts says (but not to Mr. Watts), +"I beg your pardon." Mrs. Watts then bids "Three spades," at which you +quickly say, "Four spades." + +This bid is not "raised." Mrs. Dollings then says to you, "I am counting +on your spades to help me out," at which you look at the only spade in +your hand (the three) and answer, "Ha! Ha! Ha!" There is then a wait +of four minutes, at the end of which Mrs. Dollings wearily says, "It is +your first lead, is it not, Mrs. Watts?" Mrs. Watts then blushes, says, +"Oh, I beg your pardon!" and leads the four of hearts. You then lay down +your "dummy" hand. Before Mrs. Dollings has had time to discover just +what you have done to her, you should rise quickly and say, "Excuse me, +but I want to use the telephone a minute." You should then go into the +next room and wait ten or fifteen minutes. When you return Mrs. Dollings +will have disappeared, Mrs. Watts will be looking fixedly at Mr. Watts, +and Mr. Watts will be saying, "Well, it's a silly game, anyway." + +You and Mr. and Mrs. Watts can then have a nice game of twenty-five cent +limit stud poker for the rest of the evening, and it would certainly be +considered a thoughtful and gracious "gesture" if, during the next two +or three weeks, you should call occasionally at the hospital to see how +Mrs. Dollings is "getting on," or you might even send some flowers or a +nice potted plant. + + +FORMAL AND INFORMAL DRINKING + +"Drinking" has, of course, always been a popular sport among the members +of the better classes of society, but never has the enthusiasm for this +pastime been so great in America as since the advent of "prohibition." +Gentlemen and ladies who never before cared much for "drinking" have now +given up almost all other amusements in favor of this fascinating sport; +young men and debutantes have become, in the last few years, fully +as expert in the game as their parents. In many cities "drinking" has +become more popular than "bridge" or dancing and it is predicted that, +with a few more years of "prohibition," "drinking" will supersede golf +and baseball as the great American pastime. + +The effect of this has been to change radically many of the fundamental +rules of the sport, and the influence on the etiquette of the game has +been no less marked. What was considered "good form" in this pastime +among our forefathers now decidedly demode, and the correct drinker +of 1910 is as obsolete and out of date in the present decade as the +"frock-coat." + +The game today is divided into (a) formal and (b) informal drinking. +"Formal drinking" is usually played after dinner and is more and more +coming to take the place of charades, sleight-of-hand performances, +magic lantern shows, "dumb crambo," et cetera, as the parlor amusement +par excellence. "Formal drinking" can be played by from one to fifteen +people in a house of ordinary dimensions; for a larger number it is +generally better to provide a garage, a large yard, and special police, +fire and plate glass insurance. The game is played with glasses, ice, +and a dozen bottles of either whisky or gin. + +The sport is begun by the host's wife, who says, "How would you all like +to play a little bridge?" This is followed by silence. Another wife then +says, "I think it would be awfully nice to play a little bridge." One of +the men players then steps forward and says "I think it would be awfully +nice to have a little drink." + +An "It" is then selected--always, by courtesy, the host. The "It" then +says, "How would you all like to have a little drink?" The men players +then answer in the affirmative and the "It's" wife says, "Now Henry +dear, please--remember what happened last time." The "It" replies, "Yes, +dear," and goes into the cellar, while the "It's" wife, after providing +each guest with a glass, puts away the Dresden china clock, the +porcelain parrot. and the gold fish globe. + +Sides are chosen--usually with the husbands on one "team" and the wives +on the other. The purpose of the game is for the "husbands', team" to +try to drink up all the "It's" liquor before the "wives' team" can get +them to go home. + +When the "It" returns with the liquor he pours out a portion for each +player and at a given signal all drink steadily for several minutes. The +"It's" wife then says, "Now--how about a few rubbers of bridge?" She is +immediately elected "team captain" for the rest of the evening. It is +the duty of the "team captain" to provide cracked ice and water, to get +ready the two spare bedrooms, to hold Wallie Spencer's hand, to keep +Eddie Armstrong from putting his lighted cigaret ends on the piano, and +to break up the party as soon as possible. The game generally ends when +(1) the liquor is all gone, (2) the "It" (or three guests) have passed +"out," (3) Wallie Spencer starts telling about his war experiences. +"Informal" drinking needs, of course, no such elaborate preparations +and can be played anywhere and any time there is anything to drink. The +person who is caught with the liquor is "It," and the object of the game +is to take all the liquor away from the "It" as soon as possible. In +order to avoid being "It," many players sometimes resort to various low +subterfuges, such as sneaking down alone to the club locker-room +during a dance, but this practise is generally looked upon with great +disfavor--especially by that increasingly large group of citizens who +are unselfishly devoting their lives to the cause of a "dry America" by +consuming all of the present rapidly diminishing visible supply. + + +A JOLLY HALLOWE'EN PARTY + +The problem of providing suitable entertainment for one's informal +parties is something which has perplexed many a host and hostess in +recent years. How often has it happened that just when you had gotten +your guests nicely seated around the parlor listening to the Caruso +record, some ill-mannered fellow would remark, "Oh, Lord--let's go over +to the Tom Phillips' and get something to drink." How many times in the +past have you prepared original little "get-together" games, such as +Carol Kennicott did in Main Street, only to find that, when you again +turned the lights on, half the company had disappeared for the evening. + +Of course we cannot all be as startlingly clever as Carol, but +Hallowe'en, which comes this year on October 31st, offers a splendid +opportunity for originality and "peppy" fun. The following suggestions +are presented to ambitious hostesses with the absolute guaranty that no +matter what other reactions her guests may have, they will certainly not +be bored. + + +{illustration caption = Few people realize the value of picture +post-cards as indicators of the birth, breeding, and character of the +sender, yet nothing so definitely "places" a person socially as his +choice of these souvenirs. Could you have selected the senders of the +above cards?} + +{illustration caption = In spite of his haughty airs and fine clothes, +the gentleman betrays that he is not much accustomed to good society +when, having been asked by his hostess if he would care to remove his +coat and waistcoat during the warm evening of bridge, he, in doing so, +reveals the presence of several useful cards hidden about his person. +This sort of thing, while often tolerated at less formal "stag" +poker-parties, is seldom, ever, permissible when ladies are present. The +young man was simply ignorant of the fact that Hoyle and not Herman the +Great is the generally accepted authority on cards in the "beau monde."} + + + +INVITATIONS + +The whole spirit of Hallowe'en is, of course, one of "spooky" gayety and +light-hearted ghastliness. Witches and ghosts run riot; corpses dance +and black cats howl. "More work for the undertaker" should be the +leitmotif of the evening's fun. + +The moribund spirit can be delightfully observed, first of all, in the +preparation of the invitations. I know of one hostess, for instance, who +gained a great reputation for originality by enclosing a dead fish with +each bidding to the evening's gayeties. It is, of course, not at all +necessary to follow her example to the letter; the enclosure of anything +dead will suffice, providing, of course, that it is not TOO dead. There +is such a thing as carrying a joke beyond the limits of propriety, and +the canons of good taste should always be respectfully observed. + +Another amusing way of preparing invitations is to cut out colored paper +in the shape of cats, witches, etc., upon which appropriate verses are +inscribed. Such as: + + "Next Monday night is Hallowe'en, + You big stiff." + or + "On Monday next comes All-Hallows-Even, + My grandmother's maiden name was Stephens." + or + "On Hallowe'en you may see a witch + If you don't look out, you funny fellow." + or + "Harry and I are giving a Hallowe'en party; + Harry says you owe him four dollars; please be + prompt. + or + "Monday night the ghosts do dance; + Why didn't you enlist and go to France, + You slacker?" + + +Another novel invitation is made by cutting a piece of yellow paper +thirteen inches long and four inches wide, and writing on each inch one +of the lines given below. Then begin at the bottom and fold the paper +up, inch by inch. Fasten the last turn down with a "spooky" gummed +sticker, and slip into a small envelope. When the recipient unfolds the +invitation, he will be surprised to read the following: + + Now what on earth + do you suppose + is in this + little folder + keep turning + ha ha ha + further + ha ha ha + further + ha ha ha, + further + ha ha ha + further + + +It would perhaps be best to telephone the next day to those guests whom +you really want, and give them further details as to the date and time +of the party. Additional fun can be gotten out of this invitation by +failing to put postage stamps on the envelopes when you mail them; +the two cents which each guest will have to pay for postage due can be +returned in a novel manner on the night of the party by inserting them +in sandwiches or stuffed tomatoes. + +For those who may wish to send out more elaborate invitations, the +following distinctly original plan is suggested: Procure a number +of small alarm clocks and a quantity of nitroglycerine or other high +explosive. Insert in each clock a small amount of the nitroglycerine, +being careful not to put too much; a quantity sufficient to wreck a room +20 X 30 Will generally suffice. Then arrange the alarm mechanism so that +the explosion will occur at 12 midnight. Attach to the clock a card, +neatly decorated with witches, goblins, etc., on which is written + + "Midnight is the mystic hour + Of yawning graves and coffins dour. + Beneath your bed this clock please hide + And when it strikes---you'll be surprised." + + +These clocks should then be delivered in the afternoon to those of the +guests whom you are merely inviting because they are your husband's +business associates, or because they were nice to your mother when she +did her own work. Later on, in order to avoid hard feelings on the part +of relatives and friends of the deceased, it might be well to explain to +them that you sent the clocks only in the spirit of Hallowe'en fun; it +might even help to invite them to one of your next parties. + + +RECEIVING THE GUESTS + +On Hallowe'en night great care should be taken in the preparations for +receiving the guests in a mystic manner; no pains should be spared in +the effort to start the evening off with a "bang." + +Several novel ideas are offered for starting the guests off on the +right informal spirit. Before they arrive, it is a good plan to take +the street number off your house and fasten it to the porch of your +next door neighbors, who will, of course, be at home because they +are perfectly impossible people whom no one would invite anywhere. +Extinguish all the lights in your own house; your neighbor, as he comes +downstairs twenty-five or thirty times in the next hour, will obligingly +tell your bewildered friends specifically where to go. + +When the guest finally learns from the neighborhood policeman which +house on the block is really yours he will discover on your door a sign +reading: + + "If you would be my Valentine, + Follow please the bright green line." + + +Leading from the door is a green cord which the mystified guest proceeds +to follow, according to directions. This cord should guide the way to +the coal cellar of your other neighbor who has recently purchased an +automatic revolver under the delusion that burglars are operating in the +neighborhood. As your bewildered guest gropes his way about the cellar, +it is quite likely that he will be shot at several times and by the time +he emerges (if he does emerge) he will be quite delightfully full of the +informal spirit of Hallowe'en and ready for anything. + + +HOW TO MYSTIFY + +At this point, your wife, dressed as a witch, should unexpectedly rush +out at him; there is always the delightful possibility that he will pick +up a convenient rock and brain her on the spot--an event which often +adds an unexpected touch of gayety to the evening's fun. If, however, +no such event occurs, the guest should be blindfolded and led into the +house. Once inside he is conducted upstairs to the attic, where he will +find three or four earlier arrivals also blindfolded. + +The hands and feet of these four are then securely tied and they are +told that they are to be left there all evening. This is really a great +joke, because they do not, of course, at the time, believe what you say, +and when you come up to untie them the next morning, their shame-faced +discomposure is truly laughable. + +The green-cord-into-neighbor's-coal-cellar joke can be cleverly varied +by taking the lid off your cistern and making the green line lead in +that direction. Great care should be taken, however, to keep an exact +account of the number of guests who succumb to this trick, for although +an unexpected "ducking" is excruciatingly humorous, drowning often +results fatally. + +Great fun can be added to the evening's entertainment by dressing +several of the guests as ghosts, witches, corpses, etc; these costumes +can be quite simply and economically made in the home, or can be +procured from some reliable department store. + +An "old-fashioned" witch's costume consists of a union suit (Munsing or +any other standard brand), corset, brassiere, chemise, underpetticoat, +overpetticoat, long black skirt, long black stockings, shoes, black +waist and shawl, with a pointed witch's hat and a broomstick. The +"modern" witch's costume is much simpler and inexpensive in many +details. + +A particularly novel and "hair raising" effect may be produced by +painting the entire body of one of the male guests with phosphorus. As +this glowing nude stalks uncannily through the darkened rooms you may +easily imagine the ghastly effect--especially upon his wife. + + +GAMES + +After the guests have sufficiently amused themselves with the ghosts +and witches it will be time to commence some of the many games which are +always associated with Hallowe'en. "Bobbing for apples" is, of course, +the most common of these games and great sport it is, too, to watch the +awkward efforts of the guests as they try to pick up with their teeth +the apples floating in a large tub. I know of one hostess who added +greatly to the evening's fun by pouring twelve quarts of gin into the +tub; the effect on the bobbers was, of course, extremely comical, except +for the unfortunate conduct of two gentlemen, one of whom went to sleep +in the tub, the other so far forgetting himself as playfully to throw +all the floating fruit at the hostess' pet Pomeranian. + +Most Hallowe'en games concern themselves with delving into the future in +the hopes that one may there discover one's husband or bride-to-be. +In one of these games the men stand at one end of the room, facing the +girls, with their hands behind their backs and eyes tightly closed. The +girls are blindfolded and one by one they are led to within six feet of +the expectant men and given a soft pin cushion which they hurl forward. +The tradition is that whichever man the girl hits, him will she marry. +Great fun can be added to the game by occasionally substituting a rock +or iron dumb-bell in place of the romantic pin cushion. + +Another game based on a delightful old Hallowe'en tradition is as +follows: A girl is given a lighted candle and told to walk upstairs into +the room at the end of the hall where, by looking in a mirror, she will +see her future husband. Have it arranged so that you are concealed alone +in the room. When the girl arrives, look over her shoulder into the +mirror. She had better go downstairs after ten minutes, though, so that +another girl can come up. This tradition dates from before William the +Conqueror. + +No Hallowe'en is complete, of course, without fortune telling. Dress +yourself as a wizard and have the guests led in one by one to hear their +fortune told. Hanging in front of you should be a caldron, from which +you extract the slip of paper containing the particular fortune. +These slips of paper should be prepared beforehand. The following are +suggested: + +"You will meet a well dressed, good looking man who understands you +better than your husband. How about Thursday at the Plaza?" + +"You are about to receive a shipment of Scotch whisky that you ordered +last month. And it's about time you kicked across with some of your +own." + +"You will have much trouble in your life if you lie about your golf +score as you did last Sunday on Number 12." + +Still another pleasing Hallowe'en game, based on the revelation of one's +matrimonial future, is played as follows: Seven lighted candles are +placed in a row on a table. The men are then blindfolded, whirled +around three times and commanded to blow out the candles. The number +extinguished at a blow tells the number of years before they meet their +bride. This game only grows interesting, of course, when some old goat +with long whiskers can be induced to take a blind shot at blowing out +the candles. Have Pyrene convenient--but not too convenient to spoil the +fun. + +For the older members of the party, the host should provide various +games of cards and dice. In keeping with the ghastly spirit of the +occasion, it would be well to have the dice carefully loaded. Many hosts +have thus been able to make all expenses and often a handsome profit out +of the evening's entertainment. + +If the crap game goes particularly well, many hosts do not hesitate to +provide elaborate refreshments for the guests. Here, too, the spirit of +fun and jollity should prevail, and great merriment is always provoked +by the ludicrous expression of the guest who has broken two teeth on the +cast-iron olive. Other delightful surprises should be arranged, and a +little Sloan's liniment in the punch or ground glass in the ice cream +will go a long way toward making the supper amusing. And finally, when +the guests are ready to depart and just before they discover that you +have cut cute little black cats and witches out of the backs of their +evening wraps and over coats, it would perhaps be well to run up stairs +and lock yourself securely in your room. + + + +CHAPTER EIGHT: CORRESPONDENCE AND INVITATIONS + +CORRESPONDENCE + +It is narrated of a well-known English lady (who is noted on the other +side of the Atlantic for the sharpness of her wit) that on one occasion, +when a vainglorious American was boasting of his country's prowess in +digging the Panama Canal, she calmly waited until he had finished and +then replied, with an indescribable smile, "Ah--but you Americans do not +know how to write letters." Needless to say the discomfited young man +took himself off at the earliest opportunity. + +There is much truth, alas, in the English lady's clever retort, for the +automatic typewriter, the telegraph, and the penny postal card have done +much to cause a gradual decline in the gentle art of correspondence. +As one American woman recently remarked to a visitor (with more wit, +however, than good taste), "Yes, we do have correspondents here--but +they are all in the divorce courts." + + +CORRESPONDENCE FOR YOUNG LADIES + +There are certain rules in regard to correct letter-writing which must +be followed by all who would "take their pen in hand." Young people are +the most apt to offend in this respect against the accepted canons of +good taste and it is to these that I would first address the contents of +this chapter. A young girl often lets her high spirits run away with +her amour propre, with the result that her letters, especially those +addressed to strangers, are often lacking in that dignity which is the +sine qua non of correct correspondence. + +Consider, for example, the following two letters composed by Miss +Florence ......, a debutante of New York City, who is writing to a +taxidermist thanking him for his neat work in having recently stuffed +her deceased pet Alice. The first of these letters illustrates the evil +to which I have just referred, viz., the complete absence of proper +dignity. The second, written with the aid of her mama, whose experience +in social affairs has been considerable, shows the correct method of +corresponding with comparative strangers. + + +An Incorrect Letter from a Debutante to a Taxidermist Thanking Him for +Having Stuffed Her Pet Alice + + DEAR MR. Epps: + + Aren't you an old PEACH to have gone and stuffed Alice so + prettily! Really, Mr. Epps, I never saw such a knockout piece of + taxidermy, even in Europe, and I simply adore it. Mother gave a + dinner party last night and EVERYBODY was just wild about it and + wanted to know who had done it. How on EARTH did you manage to + get the wings to stay like that? And the eyes are just too + priceless for words. Honestly, every time I look at it, it's so + DARNED natural that I can't believe Alice is really dead. I guess + you must be pretty dog-goned crazy about birds yourself to have + done such a lovely job on Alice, and I guess you know how + perfectly sick I was over her death. Honestly, Mr. Epps, she was + such a PEACH of an owl. But I suppose it had to be, and anyway, + thanks just heaps for having done such a really perfectly + gorgeous bit of taxidermy. + Gratefully, + FLORENCE CHASE. + 593 Fifth Avenue, + New York City. + + +The above is, you observe, quite lacking in that reserve with which +young ladies should always treat strange gentlemen and especially those +who are not in their own social "set." Slang may be excusable in shop +girls or baseball players, but never in the mouth of a young lady with +any pretensions to breeding. And the use of "darned" and "dog-goned" is +simply unpardonable. Notice, now, the way in which Miss Florence writes +the letter after, her mama has given her the proper instruction. + +A Correct Letter from a Debutante to a Taxidermist Thanking Him for +Having Stuffed Her Pet Alice + + Mr. Lloyd Epps, Taxidermist, + New York City. + DEAR SIR: + + It is with sincere pleasure that I take my pen in hand to + compliment you upon the successful manner in which you have + rendered your services as taxidermist upon my late owl Alice. + Death in the animal kingdom is all too often regarded with an + unbecoming levity or, at least, a careless lack of sympathetic + appreciation, and it is with genuine feelings of gratitude that I + pen these lines upon the occasion of the receipt of the sample of + the excellent manner in which you have performed your task. Of + the same opinion is my father, a vice-president of the Guaranty + Trust Co., and himself a taxidermist of no inconsiderable merit, + who joins me in expressing to you our most grateful appreciation. + Sincerely yours, + FLORENCE ELIOT CHASE. + December 11, 1922. + + +{illustration caption = The young man is leaving the home of his host +in "high dudgeon." He is of the type rather slangily known among the +members of our younger set as "finale hopper" which means, in the +"King's English," one who is very fond of dancing. His indignation is +well founded, since it is not the custom among members of the socially +elite to comment in the presence of the guest on either the quantity of +soup consumed or the method of consumption adopted. These things should +be left for the privacy of the boudoir or smoking den where they will +afford much innocent amusement. Nor is the host mending matters by his +kindly meant but perhaps tactless offer of a nickel for carfare.} + +{illustration caption = The gentleman with the excellent teeth has just +been guilty of a gross social error. Wrongly supposing that the secret +of popularity lies in a helpful spirit and having discovered that the +son of his hostess is about to enter a dental school, he has removed +the excellent teeth (false) from his mouth and passed them around for +inspection. The fact that the teeth are of the latest mode does not in +any way condone the breach. Leniency in such matters is not recommended. +"Facilis descensus Averni" as one of the great poets of the Middle Ages +so aptly put it.} + + + +COLLEGE BOYS + +It is the tendency of the age to excuse many social errors in young +people, and especially is this true of the mischievous pranks of college +boys. If Harvard football heroes and their "rooters," for example, wish +to let their hair grow long and wear high turtle-necked red "sweaters," +corduroy trousers and huge "frat" pins, I, for one, can see no grave +objection, for "boys will be boys" and I am, I hope, no "old fogy" in +such matters. But I also see no reason why these same young fellows +should not be interested in the graces of the salon and the arts of +the drawing-room. Consider, for example, the following two letters, +illustrating the correct and incorrect method in which two young college +men should correspond, and tell me if there is not some place in our +college curriculum for a Professor of Deportment: + +An Incorrect Letter from a Princeton Student to a Yale Student +Congratulating the Latter on His Football Victory + + DEAR MIKE: + + Here's your damn money. I was a fool to give you odds. + ED. + P. S. What happened at the Nass? I woke up Sunday with a terrific + welt on my forehead and somebody's hat with the initials L. G. + T., also a Brooks coat. Do you know whose they are? P. P. S. + Please for God's sake don't cash this check until the fifteenth + or I'm ruined. + + +And here is the way in which I would suggest that this same letter be +indited. + +A Correct Letter from a Princeton Student to a Yale Student +Congratulating the Latter on His Football Victory + + + MY DEAR "FRIENDLY ENEMY": + + Well, well, it was a jolly game, wasn't it, and it was so good to + see you in "Old Nassau." I am sorry that you could not have come + earlier in the fall, when the trees were still bronze and gold. I + also regret exceedingly that you did not stay over until Sunday, + for it would have been such a treat to have taken you to see the + Graduate School buildings and the Cleveland Memorial Tower. + However, "better luck next time." + + The enclosed check is, as you may well guess, in payment of our + wager on the result of the gridiron-contest. Truly, I am almost + glad that I lost, for I can not but think that gambling in any + form is at best an unprofitable diversion, and this has taught + me, I hope, a lesson from which I may well benefit. Do not think + me a "prig," dear Harry, I beg of you, for I am sure that you + will agree with me that even a seemingly innocent wager on a + football match may lead in later life to a taste for gambling + with dice and cards or even worse. Shall we not agree to make + this our last wager--or at least, next time, let us not lend it + the appearance of professional gambling by giving "odds," such as + I gave you this year. + + You must have thought it frightfully rude of me not to have seen + you to the train after that enjoyable evening at the Nassau Inn, + but to tell you the truth, Harry, the nervous excitement of the + day proved too much for me and I was forced to retire. My + indisposition was further accentuated by a slight mishap which + befell me outside the Inn but which need cause you no alarm as a + scalp wound was the only result and a few days' rest in my cozy + dormitory room will soon set matters to rights. I trust, however, + that you will explain to your friends the cause of my sudden + departure and my seeming inhospitality. Such jolly fellows they + were--and I am only too glad to find that the "bulldogs" are as + thoroughly nice as the chaps we have down here. Incidentally, I + discovered, somewhat to my dismay, as you may well imagine, that + in taking my departure I inadvertently "walked off" with the hat + and overcoat of one of your friends whose initials are L. G. T. I + am mortified beyond words and shall send the garments to you by + the next post with my deepest apologies to the unlucky owner. + + Rest assured, Harry my friend, that I am looking forward to + visiting you some time in the near future, for I have always been + curious to observe the many interesting sights of "Eli land." + Particularly anxious am I to see the beautiful trees which have + given New Haven its name of "the City of Elms," and the + collection of primitive paintings for which your college is + justly celebrated. And in closing may I make the slight request + that you postpone the cashing of my enclosed check until the + fifteenth of this month, as, due to some slight misunderstanding, + I find that my account is in the unfortunate condition of being + "overdrawn." + + Believe me, Harry, with kindest regards to your nice friends and + yourself and with congratulations on the well deserved victory of + your "eleven," + Your devoted friend and well wisher, + EDWARD ELLIS COCHRAN. + + +LETTERS TO PARENTS + +Of course, when young people write to the members of their immediate +family, it is not necessary that they employ such reserve as in +correspondence with friends. The following letter well illustrates the +change in tone which is permissible in such intimate correspondence: + +A Correct Letter from a Young Lady in Boarding School to Her Parents + + + DEAR MOTHER: + + Of course I am terribly glad that you and father are thinking of + coming to visit me here at school next week, but don't you think + it would be better if, instead of your coming all the way up + here, I should come down and stay with you in New York? The + railroad trip up here will be very hard on you, as the trains are + usually late and the porters and conductors are notorious for + their gruffness and it is awfully hard to get parlor-car seats + and you know what sitting in a day-coach means. I should love to + have you come only I wouldn't want you or father to get some + terrible sickness on the train and last month there were at least + three wrecks on that road, with many fatalities, and when you get + here the accommodations aren't very good for outsiders, many of + the guests having been severely poisoned only last year by eating + ripe olives and the beds, they say, are extremely hard. Don't you + really think it would be ever so much nicer if you and father + stayed in some comfortable hotel in New York with all the + conveniences in the world and there are some wonderful things at + the theaters which you really ought to see. I could probably get + permission from Miss Spencer to come and visit you over Saturday + and Sunday if you are stopping at one of the five hotels on her + "permitted" list. + + However, if you do decide to come here, perhaps it would be + better to leave father in New York because I know he wouldn't + like it at all with nothing but women and girls around and I am + sure that he couldn't get his glass of hot water in the morning + before breakfast and he would have a much better time in New + York. But if he does come please mother don't let him wear that + old gray hat or that brown suit, and mother couldn't you get him + to get some gloves and a cane in New York before he comes? And + please, mother dear, make him put those "stogies" of his in an + inside pocket and would you mind, mother, not wearing that brooch + father's employees gave you last Christmas? + + I shall be awfully glad to see you both but as I say it would be + better if you let me come to New York where you and father will + be ever so much more comfortable. + Your loving daughter, + JEANNETTE. + + +LETTERS FROM PARENTS + +THE same familiarity may be observed by parents when corresponding with +their children, with, of course, the addition of a certain amount of +dignity commensurate with the fact that they are, as it were, in loco +parentis. The following example will no doubt be of aid to parents in +correctly corresponding with their children: + +A Correct Letter from a Mother to Her Son Congratulating Him on His +Election to the Presidency of the United States + + DEAR FREDERICK: + + I am very glad that you have been elected President of the United + States, Frederick, and I hope that now you will have sense enough + to see Dr. Kincaid about your teeth. It would be well to have him + give you a thorough looking over at this time. And Mrs. Peasely + has given me the name of a splendid throat specialist in New York + whom I wish you would see as soon as possible, for it has been + almost a year since you went to Dr. Ryan. Are you getting good + wholesome food? Mrs. Dennison stopped in this morning and she + told me that Washington is very damp in the spring and I think + you had better get a new overcoat--a heavy warm one. She also + told me the name of a place where you can buy real woolen socks + and pajamas. I hope that you aren't going to be so foolish as to + wear those short B. V. D.'s all winter because now that you are + president you must take care of yourself, Edward dear. Are you + keeping up those exercises in the morning? I found those + dumb-bells of yours in the attic yesterday and will send them on + to you if you wish. And, dear, please keep your throat covered + when you go out--Mrs. Kennedy says that the subways are always + cold and full of draughts. I saw a picture of you at the "movies" + the other evening and you were making a speech in the rain + without a hat or rubbers. Your uncle Frederick was just such a + fool as you are about wearing rubbers and he almost died of + pneumonia the winter we moved to Jefferson Avenue. Be sure and + let me know what Dr. Kincaid says and tell him EVERYTHING. + Your LOVING mother. + P. S. What direction does your window face? + + +LETTERS TO PROSPECTIVE FATHERS-IN-LAW + +A young man desiring to marry a young girl does not, in polite society, +"pop the question" to her by mail, unless she happens, at the time, +to be out of the city or otherwise unable to "receive." It is often +advisable, however, after she has said "yes," to write a letter to her +father instead of calling on him to ask for his permission to the match, +as a personal interview is often apt to result unsatisfactorily. In +writing these letters to prospective fathers-in-law, the cardinal point +is, of course, the creation by the young man of a good impression in +the mind of the father, and for this purpose he should study to make +his letter one which will appeal irresistibly to the older gentleman's +habits and tastes. + +Thus, in writing to a father who is above everything else a "business +man," the following form is suggested: + +A Correct Letter to a Prospective Father-in-Law Who Is a Business Man + + + My letter, + 10-6-22 + Your letter, + In reply please refer to: -------- + File--Love--personal-- + N. Y.--1922 + No. G, 16 19 + Mr. Harrison Williams, + Vice-Pres. Kinnear-Williams Mfg. Co., + Buffalo, N. Y. + + DEAR SIR: + + Confirming verbal message of even date re: being in love with + your daughter, this is to advise that I am in love with your + daughter. Any favorable action which you would care to take in + this matter would be greatly appreciated. + Yours truly, + EDWARD FISH. + Copy to your Daughter per E. F. + " " " Wife + EF/F + + +Or, should the girl's father be prominent in the advertising business, +the following would probably create a favorable impression, especially +if printed on a blotter or other useful article: + +A Correct Letter to a Prospective Father-in-Law Who Is in the +Advertising Business + + JUST A MOMENT! + + Have you ever stopped to consider the problem of grandchildren? + + Do you know, for example, that ONLY 58% of the fathers in America + are GRANDFATHERS? + + Did it ever occur to you that only 39% of the grandfathers in + America EVER HAVE GRANDCHILDREN? + + Honestly, now, don't there come moments, after the day's work is + done and you are sitting in your slippers before the fire, when + you would give any thing in the world for a soft little voice to + call you GRANDPA? + + Be fair to your daughter + Give her a College educated husband! + COMPLIMENTS OF EDWARD FISH + + +Perhaps, if the old gentleman is employed in the Credit Department of +Brooks Brothers, Frank Brothers, or any one of the better class stores, +the following might prove effective: + +A Correct Letter to a Prospective Father-in-Law Who Is Employed in a +Credit Department + + MY DEAR MR. ROBERTS: 10-6-22 + + I am writing you in regard to a little matter of matrimony which + no doubt you have overlooked in the press of business elsewhere. + This is not to be considered as a "dun" but merely as a gentle + reminder of the fact that it would be extremely agreeable if you + could see fit to let me marry your daughter before the first of + next month. I feel sure that you will give this matter your + immediate attention. + Yours truly, + ED. FISH. + + 11-2-22 + DEAR MR. ROBERTS: + + As you have not as yet replied to my communication of 10-6-22 + regarding marriage to your daughter, I presume that you were not + at the time disposed to take care of the matter to which I + referred. I feel sure that upon consideration you will agree that + my terms are exceedingly liberal and I must therefore request + that you let me have some word from you before the first of next + month. + Yours truly, + EDWARD FISH. + + (Registered Mail) 12-2-22 + DEAR SIR: + + You have not as yet replied to my communication of 10-6-22 and + 11-2-22. I should regret exceedingly being forced to place this + matter in the hands of my attorneys, Messrs. Goldstein and + Nusselmann, 41 City Nat'l Bank Bldg. + E. FISH. + + +Of course, it would never do to carry this series to its conclusion and +if no reply is received to this last letter it might be well to call on +the gentleman in his place of business--or, possibly, it might even +be better to call off the engagement. "None but the brave deserve the +fair"--but there is also a line in one of Byron's poems which goes, I +believe, "Here sleep the brave." + + +LOVE LETTERS + +A young man corresponding with his fiancee is never, of course, as +formal as in his letters to other people. This does not mean, however, +that his correspondence should be full of silly meaningless "nothings." +On the contrary, he should aim to instruct and benefit his future spouse +as well as convey to her his tokens of affection. The following letter +well illustrates the manner in which a young man may write his fiancee +a letter which, while it is replete with proper expressions of +amatory good will, yet manages to embody a fund of sensible and useful +information: + +A Correct Letter from a Young Man Traveling in Europe to His Fiancee + + + MY DEAREST EDITH: + + How I long to see you--to hold tight your hand--to look into your + eyes. But alas! you are in Toledo and I am in Paris, which, as + you know, is situated on the Seine River near the middle of the + so-called Paris basin at a height above sea-level varying from 85 + feet to 419 feet and extending 7 1/2 miles from W. to E. and 5 + 1/2 miles from N. to S. But, dearest, I carry your image with me + in my heart wherever I go in this vast city with its population + (1921) of 2,856,986 and its average mean rainfall Of 2.6 inches, + and I wish--oh, how I wish--that you might be here with me. + Yesterday, for example, I went to the Pere Lachaise cemetery + which is the largest (106 acres) and most fashionable cemetery in + Paris, its 90,148 (est.) tombs forming a veritable open-air + sculpture gallery. And what do you think I found there which made + me think of you more than ever? Not the tombs of La Fontaine (d. + 1695) and Moliere (d. 1673) whose remains, transferred to this + cemetery in 1804, constituted the first interments--not the last + resting place of Rosa Bonheur (d. 1899) or the victims of the + Op<ra Comique fire (1887)--no, dearest, it was the tomb of + Abelard and Heloise, those late 11th early 12th century lovers, + and you may well imagine what thoughts, centering upon a young + lady whose first name begins with E, filled my heart as I gazed + at this impressive tomb, the canopy of which is composed of + sculptured fragments collected by Lenoir from the Abbey of + Nogent-sur-Seine (Aube). + + Edith dearest, I am sitting in my room gazing first at your dear + picture and then out of my window at the Eiffel Tower which is + the tallest structure in the world, being 984 feet high + (Woolworth Building 750 feet, Washington Obelisk 555 feet, Great + Pyramid 450 feet). And although it may sound too romantic, yet it + seems to me, dearest, that our love is as strong and as sturdy as + this masterpiece of engineering construction which weighs 7,000 + tons, being composed of 12,000 pieces of metal fastened by + 2,500,000 iron rivets. + + Farewell, my dearest one--I must go now to visit the Catacombs, a + huge charnelhouse which is said to contain the remains of nearly + three million persons, consisting of a labyrinth of galleries + lined with bones and rows of skulls through which visitors are + escorted on the first and third Saturday of each month at 2 P. M. + I long to hold you in my arms. + Devotedly, + PAUL. + + +CORRESPONDENCE OF PUBLIC OFFICIALS + +Congressmen and other public officials are as a rule more careful +correspondents than are men whose letters are never to be seen by the +public at large. There is a certain well-defined form for a letter meant +for public consumption which distinguishes it from correspondence of +a more private nature. Thus a Congressman, writing a "public letter," +would cast it in the following form: + +A Correct "Public Letter" from a Congressman + + Mr. Ellison Lothrop, + Vice-Pres. Washington Co.. "Better Citizenship" League, + + MY DEAR MR. LOTHROP: + + You have requested that I give to the Washington County Better + Citizenship League, of which you are an active vice-president, + some expression of my views upon the question of Prohibition. + + Sir, can there be any doubt as to the belief of every right + thinking American citizen in this matter? The Eighteenth + Amendment is here and here, thank God, to stay! The great benefit + which Prohibition has done to the poor and the working classes is + reason enough for its continued existence. It is for the + manufacturers, the professional class, the capitalists to give up + gladly whatever small pleasure they may have derived from the use + of alcohol, in order that John Jones, workingman, may have money + in the bank and a happy home, instead of his Saturday night + debauch. In every democracy the few sacrifice for the many--"the + greatest good of the greatest number" is the slogan. And I, for + one, am proud to have been a member of that legislative body + which passed so truly God-bidden and democratic an act as the + Eighteenth Amendment. + + I beg to remain, with best wishes to your great + organization, + Sincerely yours, + WALTER G. TOWNSLEY. + + +A Correct Private Letter of a Congressman + + DEAR BOB: + + Tell that fellow on Mulberry Street that I will pay $135 a case + for Scotch and $90 for gin DELIVERED and not a cent more. + W. G. T. + + +{illustration caption = The problem of an introduction when there is no +mutual acquaintance is sometimes perplexing. But the young man, having +had the good taste to purchase a copy of PERFECT BEHAVIOR, is having no +difficulty. He has fastened a rope across the sidewalk in front of the +lady's house and, with the aid of a match and some kerosene, has set +fire to the house. Driven by the heat, the young lady will eventually +emerge and in her haste will fall over the rope. To a gentleman of +gallantry and ingenuity the rest should be comparatively simple.} + +{illustration caption = A knowledge of the language of flowers is +essential to a successful courtship and may avoid much unnecessary pain. +With the best intentions in the world the young man is about to present +the young lady with a flower of whose meaning he is in total ignorance. +The young lady, being a faithful student of PERFECT BEHAVIOR, knows its +exact meaning and it will be perfectly correct for her to turn and, +with a frigid bow, break the pot over the young man's head. Alas, how +differently this romance might have ended if the so-called "friends" of +the young man had tactfully but firmly pointed out to him the value of a +book on etiquette such as PERFECT BEHAVIOR.} + + + +LETTERS TO NEWSPAPERS, MAGAZINES, ETC. + +Another type of public correspondence is the letter which is intended +for publication in some periodical. This is usually written by elderly +gentlemen with whiskers and should be cast in the following form: + + +A Correct Letter from an Elderly Gentleman to the Editor of a Newspaper +or Magazine + + To the Editor: + SIR: + + On February next, Deo volente, I shall have been a constant + reader of your worthy publication for forty-one years. I feel, + sir, that that record gives me the right ipso facto to offer my + humble criticism of a statement made in your November number by + that worthy critic of the drama, Mr. Heywood Broun. Humanum est + errare, and I am sure that Mr. Broun (with whom I have + unfortunately not the honour of an acquaintance) will forgive me + for calling his attention to what is indeed a serious, and I + might say, unbelievable, misstatement. In my younger days, now + long past, it was not considered infra dig for a critic to reply + to such letters as this, and I hope that Mr. Broun will deem this + epistle worthy of consideration, and recognize the justice of my + complaint. + + I remember well a controversy that raged between critic and + public for many weeks in the days when Joe Jefferson was playing + Rip Van Winkle. Ah, sir, do you remember (but, of course, you + don't) that entrance of Joe in the first act with his dog + Schneider? That was not my first play by many years, but I + believe that it is still my favorite. I think the first time I + ever attended a dramatic performance was in the winter of '68 + when I was a student at Harvard College. Five of us freshmen went + into the old Boston Museum to see Our American Cousin. Joe + Chappell was with us that night and the two Dawes boys and, I + think, Elmer Mitchell. One of the Dawes twins was, I believe, + afterwards prominent in the Hayes administration. There were many + men besides Will Dawes in that Harvard class who were heard from + in later years. Ed Twitchell for one, and "Sam" Caldwell, who was + one of the nominees for vice president in '92. I sat next to Sam + in "Bull" Warren's Greek class. THERE was one of the finest + scholars this country has ever produced--a stern taskmaster, and + a thorough gentleman. It would be well for this younger + generation if they could spend a few hours in that old classroom, + with "Bull" pacing up and down the aisle and all of us trembling + in our shoes. But Delenda est Carthago--fuit Ilium--Requiescat in + pace. I last saw "Bull" at our fifteenth reunion and we were all + just as afraid of him as in the old days at Hollis. + + But I digress. Tempus fugit,--which reminds me of a story "Billy" + Hallowell once told at a meeting of the American Bar Association + in Minneapolis, in 1906. Hallowell was perhaps the most brilliant + after-dinner speaker I have ever heard--with the possible + exception of W. D. Evarts. I shall never forget the speech that + Evarts made during the second Blaine campaign. + + But I digress. Your critic, Mr. Heywood Broun, says on page 33 of + the November issue of your worthy magazine that The Easiest Way + is the father of all modern American tragedy. Sir, does Mr. Broun + forget that there once lived a man named William Shakespeare? Is + it possible to overlook such immortal tragedies as Hamlet and + Othello? I think not. Fiat justitia, ruat colum. + Sincerely, + SHERWIN G. COLLINS. + + +A Correct Letter from an Indignant Father to an Editor of Low Ideals + + To the Editor: Sir: + + I have a son--a little fourteen-year-old boy who proudly bears my + name. This lad I have brought up with the greatest care. I have + spared no pains to make him an upright, moral, God-fearing youth. + + I had succeeded, I thought, in inculcating in him all those + worthy principles for which our Puritan fathers fought + and--aye--died. I do not believe that there existed in our + neighborhood a more virtuous, more righteous boy. + + From his earliest childhood until now Mrs. Pringle and I have + kept him carefully free from any suggestion of evil. We have put + in his hands only the best and purest of books; we have not + allowed him to attend any motion picture performances other than + the yearly visit of the Burton Holmes travelogues, and, last + year, a film called Snow White and Rose Red; we have forbidden + him to enter a theater. Roland (for that is his name) has never + in his life exhibited any interest in what is known as sex. + + Sir, you may imagine my chagrin when my Roland--my boy who, for + fourteen years, I have carefully shielded from sin--rushed in + last night to where Mrs. Pringle and I were enjoying our evening + game of Bezique, bearing in his hand a copy of your magazine + which, I presume, he had picked up at some so-called friend's + house. "Papa, look," said my boy to me, pointing to the cover of + the magazine. "What are these?" + + Sir, I looked. Mrs. Pringle gave a shriek, and well may she have. + My boy was pointing to a cover on which was what is called--in + barroom parlance--a "nude." And not ONE nude but TWELVE! + + Sir, you have destroyed the parental labors of fourteen years. I + trust you are satisfied. + Yours, etc., + EVERETT G. PRINGLE. + +A Letter from a Member of the Lower Classes. Particular pains should be +taken in answering such letters as it should always be our aim to lend a +hand to those aspiring toward better things. + + To the Editor: + Dear Sir: + + I am a motorman on the Third Ave. South Ferry local, and the + other day one of the passengers left a copy of your magazine on + my car and I want to ask you something which maybe you can tell + me and anyway it don't do no harm to ask what I want to know is + will it be O. K to wear a white vest with a dinner coat this + coming winter and what color socks I enclose stamps for reply. + Yrs. + ED. WALSH. + +A Correct Letter to the Lost and Found Department of a Periodical, +inquiring for a Missing Relative. This should be referred to the persons +mentioned in the letter who will probably take prompt and vigorous +action. + + Literary Editors: + Dear Sirs: + + I have been very much interested in the clever work of Nancy and + Ernest Boyd which has been appearing in your magazine, and I + wonder if you could take the time to give me a little piece of + information about them. You see there was a Nancy Boyd (her + mother was Nancy Kroomen of Beaver Dam) and her bro. Ernest, who + was neighbors to us for several years, and when they moved I sort + of lost track of them. You know how those things are. But it's a + small world after all, isn't it? and I shouldn't be at all + surprised if this was the same party and, if it is, will you say + hello to Nancy for me, and tell Ernest that Ed. Gold still comes + down from Akron to see E. W. every Saturday. He'll know who I + mean. + Ever sincerely, + MAY WINTERS. + + +LETTERS TO STRANGERS + +In writing to a person with whom you have only a slight acquaintance, +it is a sign of proper breeding to attempt to show the stranger that +you are interested in the things in which he is interested. Thus, for +example, if you were to write a letter to a Frenchman who was visiting +your city for the first time, you would endeavor, as in the following +example, to speak to him in his own idiom and put him at his ease by +referring to the things with which he is undoubtedly familiar. It is +only a "boor" who seeks to impose his own hobbies and interests upon a +stranger, disregarding entirely the presumable likes and dislikes of the +latter. + + +A CORRECT LETTER TO A FRENCH VISITOR + + Monsieur Jules La Chaise, + Hotel Enterprise, + City. + + MONSIEUR: + + I hope that you have had a bon voyage on your trip from la belle + France, and my wife and I are looking forward to welcoming you to + our city. Although I cannot say, as your great king Louis XV. so + justly remarked, "L'etat, c'est moi," yet I believe that I can + entertain you comme il faut during your stay here. But all bon + mots aside, would you care to join us this afternoon in a ride + around the city? If you say the word, voila! we shall be at your + hotel in our automobile and I think that you will find here much + that is interesting to a native of Lafayette's great country and + especially to a citizen of Paris. Did you know, for example, that + this city manufactures 38% of the toilet soap and perfumery je ne + sais quoi which are used in this state? Of course, our sewers are + not to be compared to yours, mon Dieu, but we have recently + completed a pumping station on the outskirts of the city which I + think might almost be denominated an objet d'art. + + I am enclosing a visitor's card to the City Club here, which I + wish you would use during your stay. I am sure that you will find + there several bon vivants who will be glad to join you in a game + of vingt et un, and in the large room on the second floor is a + victrola with splendid instrumental and vocal records of "La + Marseillaise." + + Au revoir until I see you this afternoon. + Robert C. Crocker. + + +And above all, in writing to strangers or comparative strangers, seek +to avoid the mention of subjects which might be distasteful to the +recipient of the letter. Many a friendship has been utterly ruined +because one of the parties, in her correspondence or conversation, +carelessly referred to some matter--perhaps some physical +peculiarity--upon which the other was extremely sensitive. The following +letter well illustrates how the use of a little tact may go "a long +way." + + +A CORRECT LETTER TO A BEARDED LADY + + My dear Mrs. Lenox: + + I wonder if you would care to go with us to the opera Wednesday + evening? The Cromwells have offered us their box for that night, + which accounts for our selection of that particular evening. + "Beggars cannot be choosers," and while personally we would all + rather go on some other night, yet it is perhaps best that we do + not refuse the Cromwells' generous offer. Then, too, Wednesday is + really the only evening that my husband and I are free to go, for + the children take so much of our time on other nights. I do hope, + therefore, that you can go with us Wednesday to hear "The Barber + of Seville." + Sincerely, + Esther G. (Mrs. Thomas D.) Franklin. + + +INVITATIONS + +The form of the invitation depends a great deal upon the character of +the function to which one wishes to invite the guests to whom one issues +the invitation. Or, to put it more simply, invitations differ according +to the nature of the party to which one invites the guests. In other +words, when issuing invitations to invited guests one must have due +regard for the fact that these invitations vary with the various types +of entertainments for which one issues the invitations. That is to +say, one would obviously not send out the same form of invitation to a +wedding as to a dinner party, and vice versa. This is an iron-clad rule +in polite society. + +For example, a gentleman and lady named Mr. and Mrs. Weems, +respectively, living at 1063 Railroad Ave., wishing to invite a +gentleman named Mr. Cleek to dinner, would send him the following +engraved invitation: + + MR. AND MRS. LIONEL THONG WEEMS + + request the pleasure of + + MR. WALLACE TILFORD CLEEK'S + + company at dinner + + on Tuesday January the tenth + + at half after seven o'clock + + 1063 Railroad Avenue. + + +This invitation would of course be worded differently for different +circumstances, such as, for example, if the name of the people giving +the party wasn't Weems or if they didn't live at 1063 Railroad Ave., +or if they didn't have any intention of giving a dinner party on that +particular evening. + +Many prospective hostesses prefer to send written notes instead of the +engraved invitation, especially if the dinner is to be fairly informal. +This sort of invitation should, however, be extremely simple. I think +that most well-informed hostesses would agree that the following is too +verbose: + + + DEAR MR. BURPEE. + + It would give us great pleasure if you would dine with us on + Monday next at seven-thirty. By the way, did you know that Mr. + Sheldon died yesterday of pneumonia? + Cordially, + ESTELLE G. BESSERABO. + + +For receptions in honor of noted guests, word the invitation in this +manner: + + + MR. AND MRS. CORNELIUS VANDERBILT + + request the pleasure of your company + + on Friday evening February sixth + + from nine to twelve + + AT DELMONICO'S + + to meet Asst. Fire-Chief CHARLEY SCHMIDT and + + Mrs. SCHMIDT + + +Invitations to graduating exercises are worded thus: + + THE SENIOR CLASS + + of the + + SOUTH ROCHESTER FEMALE DENTAL INSTITUTE + + requests the honor of your presence at the + + Commencement Exercises + + on Tuesday evening, June the fifth + + at eight o'clock + + MASONIC OPERA HOUSE + + "That Six- Orchestra. + + +ACCEPTANCES AND REGRETS + +Responses to invitations usually take the form of "acceptances" or +"regrets." It is never correct, for example, to write the following sort +of note: + + DEAR MRS. CRONICK: + + Your invitation for the 12th inst. received and in reply would + advise that I am not at the present time in a position to signify + whether or not I can accept. Could you at your convenience + furnish me with additional particulars re the proposed + affair--number of guests, character of refreshments, size of + orchestra, etc.? Awaiting an early reply, I am, + Yours truly, + ALFRED CASS NAPE. + + +If one wishes to attend the party, one "accepts" on a clean sheet of +note-paper with black ink from a "fountain" pen or inkwell. A hostess +should not, however, make the mistake of thinking that a large number of +"acceptances" implies that anybody really wishes to attend her party. + +The following is a standard form of acceptance: + + + Dr. Tanner accepts with pleasure the kind invitation of Mrs. + Frederick Cummings Bussey for Thursday evening, December twelfth, + at half after eight. + +This note need not be signed. The following "acceptance" is decidedly +demode: + + DEAR MRS. ASTOR: + + Will I be at your ball? Say, can a duck swim? + Count on me sure. FRED. + + +It is also incorrect and somewhat boorish to write "accepted" across the +face of the invitation and return it signed to the hostess. + +If one does not care to attend the party, one often sends one's +"regrets" although one just as often sends one's "acceptances," +depending largely upon the social position of one's hostess. The proper +form of "regret" is generally as follows: + + + Alice Ben Bolt regrets that she will be unable to accept the kind + invitation of Major General and Mrs. Hannafield for Wednesday + evening at half after eight. + + +Sometimes it is better to explain in some manner the cause of the +"regret," as for example: + + + Alice Ben Bolt regrets that, owing to an ulcerated tooth in the + left side of her mouth, and severe neuralgic pains all up and + down her left side, she will be unable to accept the kind + invitation of Major General and Mrs. Hannafield for Wednesday + evening at half after eight, at "The Bananas." + +This is not, however, always necessary. + +{illustration caption = This is an admirable picture with which to test +the "kiddies'" knowledge of good manners at a dinner table. It will +also keep them occupied as a puzzle picture since the "faux pas" +illustrated herewith will probably not be apparent to the little +ones except after careful examination. If, however, they have been +conscientiously trained it will not be long, before the brighter ones +discover that the spoon has been incorrectly left standing in the cup, +that the coffee is being served from the right instead of the left side, +and that the lettering of the motto on the wall too nearly resembles +the German style to be quite "au fait" in the home of any red-blooded +American citizen.} + + +{illustration caption = Dessert has been reached and the gentleman +in the picture is perspiring freely--in itself a deplorable breach of +etiquette. He has been attempting all evening to engage the ladies on +either side of him in conversation on babies, Camp's Reducing Exercises, +politics, Camp's Developing Exercises, music or Charlie Chaplin, only to +be rebuffed by a haughty chin on the one hand and a cold shoulder on +the other. If he had taken the precaution to consult Stewart's Lightning +Calculator of Dinner Table Conversation (one of the many aids to social +success to be found in PERFECT BEHAVIOR) he would have realized the +bad taste characterizing his choice of topics and would not have made +himself a marked figure at this well-appointed dinner table.} + + + + +CHAPTER NINE: THE ETIQUETTE OF DINNERS AND BALLS + +FORMAL DINNERS IN AMERICA + +Eating is an extremely old custom and has been practiced by the better +classes of society almost without interruption from earliest times. And +"society," like the potentate of the parable whose touch transformed +every object into gold, has embellished and adorned the all-too-common +habit of eating, until there has been evolved throughout the ages that +most charming and exquisite product of human culture--the formal dinner +party. The gentleman of today who delightedly dons his dress suit and +escorts into a ten-course dinner some lady mountain climber or other +celebrity, is probably little aware of what he owes to his forefathers +for having so painstakingly devised for him such a pleasant method of +spending his time. + +But "before one runs, one must learn to walk"--and the joys of the +dinner-party are not to be partaken of without a long preliminary course +of training, as many a young man has learned to his sorrow when he +discovered that his inelegant use of knife and fork was causing humorous +comment up and down the "board" and was drawing upon himself the haughty +glances of an outraged hostess. The first requisite of success in dining +out is the possession of a complete set of correct table manners--and +these, like anything worth while, can be achieved only by patient study +and daily practise. + + +TABLE MANNERS FOR CHILDREN + +AS a matter of fact, it is never too early to begin to acquire the +technique of correct eating, and the nursery is the best possible place +for the first lessons in dining-room behavior. Children should be taught +at an early age the fundamentals of "table" manners in such a way that +by the time they have reached the years of manhood the correct use of +knife, fork, spoon and fingerbowl is to them almost second nature. But +the parents should remember, above everything else, to instruct their +children in such a way that the pupil takes pleasure in his lessons. +This is the method which is employed today in every successful school +or "kindergarten"; this is the method which really produces satisfactory +results. + +Thus, for example, if you are a father and your boy Edward persists in +bringing his pet tadpole to the table in a glass jar, you should +not punish or scold him; a much more effective and graphic method of +correcting this habit would be for you to suddenly pick up the tadpole +one day at luncheon and swallow it. No whipping or scolding would so +impress upon the growing boy the importance of the fact that the dinner +table is not the place for pets. + +Another effective way of teaching table manners to children consists +in making up attractive games about the various lessons to be learned. +Thus, whenever you have guests for dinner, the children can play "Boner" +which consists in watching the visitor closely all during the meal in +order to catch him in any irregularity in table etiquette. As soon as +the guest has committed a mistake, the first Child to discover it points +his finger at him and shouts, "Pulled a Boner, Pulled a Boner!" and the +boy or girl who discovers the greatest number of "Boners" during the +evening is rewarded with a prize, based on the following table of +points: + + If the guest has dirty hands, 5 points. + If the guest uses wrong fork or spoon, 5 points. + If the guest chokes on bone, 8 points. + If the guest blows on soup, 5 points. + If the guest drops fork or spoon, 3 points. + If the guest spills soup on table, 10 points. + If the guest spills soup on self, 1 point. + + +Of course it is often well to tell the guests about the game in advance +in order that they may not feel embarrassed but will enter thoroughly +into the spirit of this helpful sport. + + +A CHILD'S GARDEN OF ETIQUETTE + +Children can also acquire knowledge more easily if it is imparted to +them in the form of verse or easy rhymes, and many valuable facts about +the dinner table can be embodied in children's verses. A few of these +which I can remember from my own happy childhood are as follows: + + Oh, wouldn't it be jolly + To be a nice hors d'oeuvre + And just bring joy to people + Whom fondest you were of. + + Soup is eaten with a spoon + But not to any haunting tune. + + Oysters live down in the sea + In zones both temp. and torrid, + And when they are good they are very good indeed, + And when they are bad they are horrid. + + My papa makes a lovely Bronx + With gin so rare and old, + And two of them will set you right + But four will knock you cold. + + The boys with Polly will not frolic + Because she's eaten too much garlic. + Mama said the other day, + "A little goes a long, long way." + + A wind came up out of the sea + And said, "Those dams are not for me." + + Uncle Frank choked on a bone + From eating shad au gratin + Aunt Ethel said it served him right + And went back to her flat in + NEWARK (spoken) + Poor Uncle Frank! (chanted) + + I love my little finger bowl + So full of late filet of sole. + + Cousin George at lunch one day + Remarked, "That apple looks quite tasty. + Now George a dentist's bill must pay + Because he was so very hasty. + The proverb's teachings we must hold + "All that glitters is not gold." + And mama said to George, "Oh, shoot, + You've gone and ruined my glass fruit." + + Jim broke bread into his soup, + Jim knocked Mrs. Vanderbilt for a loop. + Kate drank from her finger bowl, + Kate knocked Mrs. Vanderbilt for a goal. + Children who perform such tricks + Are socially in Class G-6. + + +ETIQUETTE IN THE SCHOOL + +OF course, as the children become older, the instruction should +gradually come to embrace all forms of correct behaviour, and the +youthful games and rhymes should give way to the more complex and +intricate problems of mature social etiquette. It is suggested that the +teachings during this period may be successfully combined with the +young gentleman's or lady's other schoolroom studies; in the case of +mathematics, for example, the instruction might be handled in somewhat +the following manner: + + +A Problem in Mathematics (7th grade) + +A swimmer starts across a stream which is 450 yards wide. He swims for +five minutes at the rate of three miles per hour, and for three minutes +at the rate of four miles per hour. He then reaches the other bank, +where he sees a young lady five feet ten inches tall, walking around a +tree, in a circle the circumference of which is forty-two yards. + + A. What is the diameter of the circle? + B. How fast is the current flowing in the stream? + C. At what point would the swimmer land if there were no current + in the stream? + D. At what point does the swimmer actually land? + E. But suppose that he has no bathing suit on? + + +And so, when the young person has reached the age for his first formal +dinner party, he will undoubtedly be able to handle the fundamentals of +correct etiquette in a satisfactory manner. But, as in every sport or +profession, there are certain refinements--certain niceties which +come only after long experience--and it is with a view of helping the +ambitious diner-out to master these more complex details, that I suggest +that he study carefully the following "unwritten laws" which govern +every dinner party. + +In the first place, a guest is supposed tacitly to consent to the menu +which the hostess has arranged, and the diner-out who makes a habit of +saying "Squab, you know, never agrees with me--I wonder if I might have +a couple of poached eggs," is apt to find that such squeamishness does +not pay in the long run. + +Practical jokes are never countenanced at a formal affair of this sort. +I do not mean that a certain amount of good-natured fun is out of place, +but such "stunts" as pulling the hostess' chair out from under her--or +gleefully kicking the shins of your neighbor under the table and +shouting "Guess who?"--are decidedly among the "non-ests" of correct +modern dinner-table behaviour. + +Then, too, it is now distinctly bad form to practise legerdemain +or feats of sleight-of-hand at a dinner party. Time was when it was +considered correct for a young man who could do card or other tricks to +add to the gayety of the party by displaying his skill, but that time +is past, and the guest of today, who thinks to make a "hit" by pulling a +live rabbit or a potted plant from the back of the mystified hostess or +one of the butlers, is in reality only making a "fool" of himself if +he only knew it. The same "taboo" also holds good as concerns feats of +juggling and no hostess of today will, I am sure, ever issue a second +invitation to a young man who has attempted to enliven her evening by +balancing, on his nose, a knife, a radish, a plate of soup and a lighted +candle. "Cleverness" is a valuable asset but only up to a certain +point, and I know of one unfortunately "clever" young chap who almost +completely ruined a promising social career by the unexpected failure +of one of his pet juggling tricks and the consequent dumping of a large +dish of mashed potatoes on the head of a vice-president of the Equitable +Trust Company. Besides, people almost always distrust "clever" persons. + +It does not "do," either, to "ride your hobby" at a dinner party, and +the real truth as to the cause of the sudden social ostracism of +young Freddie H----, a New York clubman of some years ago (now happily +deceased), is that on one occasion this young fellow, who had developed +a craze for marksmanship amounting almost to a mania, very nearly ruined +a dinner party given by a prominent Boston society matron by attempting +to shoot the whiskers off a certain elderly gentleman, who happened to +be a direct descendant of John Smith and Priscilla Alden. + +It might also be remarked that the possession of certain physical +gifts--such as the ability to wriggle one's ears or do the "splits"--is +in itself no "open sesame" to lasting social success. "Slow and sure" +is a good rule for the young man to follow, and although he may somewhat +enviously watch his more brilliant colleagues as they gain momentary +applause by their ability to throw their thumbs out of joint or squirt +water through a hole in their front teeth, yet he may console himself +with the thought that "the race is not always to the swift" and that +"Rome was not built in a day." The gifts of this world have been +distributed fairly equally, and you may be sure that the young girl who +has been born a ventriloquist very likely is totally unable to spell +difficult words correctly or carry even a simple tune. Ventriloquism, by +the way, is also passing out as a form of dinner party diversion, and it +is no longer considered a priceless accomplishment to be able to make a +dog bark or a baby cry under the hostess's chair. + + +CONVERSATION AT DINNER + +Gradually, however, conversation--real conversation--is coming into its +own as the favorite pastime of dinner guests, and the young man or lady +who can keep the conversational "ball" rolling is coming more and more +into demand. Good conversationalists are, I fear, born and not made--but +by study and practise any ambitious young man can probably acquire the +technique, and, with time, mould himself into the kind of person upon +whom hostesses depend for the success of their party. As an aid in this +direction I have prepared the following chart which I would advise all +my readers to cut out and paste in some convenient place so that at +their next dinner party it can be readily consulted. + + +STEWART'S LIGHTNING CALCULATOR OF DINNER TABLE CONVERSATION + +This chart divides the dinner into its various courses, and under each +course is given what I call an "opening sentence," together with your +partner's probable reply and the topic which is then introduced for +discussion. And, most valuable of all, under each such topic I have +listed certain helpful facts which will enable you to prolong the +conversation along those lines until the arrival of the next course, +and the consequent opening of another field for discussion. The chart +follows: + +I. Cocktails. + +You say to the partner on your right: "What terrible gin!" She (he) +replies: "Perfectly ghastly." This leads to a discussion of: Some +Aspects of Alcohol. Helpful Facts: + +1. An oyster soaked in alcohol becomes quite rigid in eleven minutes. + +2. Senator Volstead was born Sept. 4, 1869. + +3. Alcohol, if taken in too great quantities, often produces internal +disorders. + +II. Oysters. + +You say to the partner on your right: "Think of being an oyster!" + +She (he) replies: "How perfectly ghastly." + +This leads to a discussion of: Home Life of Oysters. + +Helpful Facts: + +1. The average life of an oyster is 38 days, 11 hours. + +2. Polygamy is practised among certain classes of oysters. + +3. The first oyster was eaten by Ossip Gatch, a Pole (d. 1783). + +III. Fish. + +You say to the partner at your right: "Do you enjoy fish?" + +She (he) replies: "I simply adore fish." + +This leads to a discussion of: Fish--Then, and Now. + +Helpful Facts: + +1. Fish make notoriously bad pets, whereas seals can be taught to do +many novel tricks. + +2. Gloucester (Mass.) smells badly in summer. + +3. Gloucester (Mass.) smells badly in winter. + + +IV. Meat. You say to the partner at your right: "Have you ever been +through the Stock-Yards?" + +She (he) replies: "No." ("Yes.") + +This leads to a discussion of: "The Meat Industry in America." + +Helpful Facts: + +1. Every time a street car goes over the Brooklyn Bridge, a steer is +killed in Chicago--and oftener. + +2. Raw beefsteak in quantities is harmful to children under two years of +age. + +3. A man died recently in Topeka, Kansas, weighing 312 pounds. + +4. Many prominent people live on the North Side of Chicago. + +V. Salad. + +You say to the partner at your right: "What is your favorite salad?" + +She (he) replies: "I don't know, what's yours?" + +This leads to a discussion of: Favorite Things. + + +Helpful Facts: + +1. Richard Barthelmess is married. + +2. B. V. D. stands for "Best Value Delivered." + +3. Amy Lowell is fond of cigars. + +VI. Dessert. + +You say to the partner at your right: "I love ice cream." + +She (he) replies: "So do I." + +This leads to a discussion of: Love. + +Helpful Facts: + +1. New York is the hardest state in which to get a divorce in America. + +2. Dr. Sigmund Freud is now living in Vienna, Austria. + +3. D. H. Lawrence has a black beard. + + +BALLS AND DANCES + +In order to succeed in the modern ballroom, and especially in the +ballrooms of our exclusive country clubs, a young gentleman or lady of +fashion must today be possessed of the following two requisites: i. +A "Line." 2. A closed car. The latter of these "sine qua nons" is now +owned as a matter of course by most families and is no longer regarded +as a mark of distinction. The former requisite, however, is not so +common, but it is nevertheless true that any young person with ambition +and a good memory can eventually acquire a quite effective "Line." It +is a great aid in this direction if one happens to have spent a year or +more at one of our leading eastern universities or "finishing schools." +These vary, of course, in degree of excellence, but it does not pay +to be dogmatic on this subject, and to those who would insist that the +Princeton "Line" is more effective than the Harvard ditto, or that the +Westover "Line" flows more smoothly than that of Farmington or Spence, +one can only say "De gustibus non disputandum est." "Lines" vary also +in accordance with the different types of girls who happen to be using +them, and (to misquote a rather vulgar proverb) "What is one girl's food +may be another girl's poison." Thus it happens that the "Line" which is +most universally and interminably employed by the "beautiful" type of +girl (consisting, in its entirety, of the three words "How perfectly +priceless") would never in the world do for the young miss whose chief +asset is a kind heart or a love for really good books. + + +{illustration caption = The above diagram (one of man), filling the +instructive and refined pages of PERFECT BEHAVIOR, will serve as a model +to any debutante or dancing man who seriously sets out to achieve social +eminence. It is only fair to warn aspirants that rigid adherence to +the formula is essential and that any slight slackening of the pace +is likely to prove fatal. On the other hand, we confidently guarantee +complete success to those who, in reverence and faith, keep the final +goal always in sight. His (or hers) be it to keep the sacred flame +burning and to pass the torch along from father to son, from mother +to daughter till the end of time, or so long as they do not make any +mesalliances, which is just as important in America, whatever may be +said to the contrary, as among our "English cousins."} + + + +MIXED DANCING + +Another quality which is often helpful on the dance floor, especially +to girls, is the ability to dance. This seems to have become largely a +trick of keeping abreast of the latest "mode" and while, personally, I +greatly regret the passing of the stately lancers and other dignified +"round dances," yet, if "mixed dancing" has come to stay, it is the +duty of every young person to learn to dance as well as possible in +the generally accepted manner, even though this often involves some +compromising of one's amour propre. + +But in addition to all these necessary qualifications the really great +person--the true super man or woman of the ballroom--must be possessed +of that certain divine something, that je ne sais quoi ability to rise +superior to all occasions, to overcome the most difficult situations, +which has distinguished the great men and women of all ages. Joan of Arc +had it, George Washington had it, Napoleon had it--and I venture to say +that any of these three, had they lived today, Would have been a social +success. But perhaps this fact can best be illustrated by taking a +typical instance in the ballroom in which "When duty whispered low 'Thou +must,' the youth replied 'I can.'" + + +HINTS FOR STAGS + +Let us suppose, for example, that you are a young man who has been +invited to a dance to be given at the East Shore Country Club. It is +your original intention, let us say, to attend as a "stag," but on the +afternoon of the party you receive a note from a young lady of your +acquaintance asking if you would be so kind as to accompany to the ball +a guest of hers, a "sweet girl from South Orange" who was in her class +at college. + +The correct costume for a dance of this sort is usually a dinner coat +with a black or white vest, and when you have robed yourself correctly, +you should drive in your car to the young lady's home. There you are +presented to the sweet girl from South Orange, who is six feet tall and +has protruding teeth. After the customary words of greeting and a few +brief bits of pleasantry, you set off with your partner for the dance. + +Arrived at the East Shore Club, you find the party in "full swing," +and after shaking hands with your host and hostess, you should ask your +partner if she would care to dance. + +The first three times that she steps on your left foot, you should +politely murmur, "My fault." But when she begins to sing in your ear it +is proper to steer her over toward the "stag line" in order to petition +for an injunction or a temporary restraining order. + +The "stag line" consists of a group of the wisest, shrewdest and most +hard-hearted young men ever gathered together under one roof. The +original purpose of a "stag line" was to provide a place where +unattached young men might stand while searching for a partner, but the +institution has now come to be a form of Supreme Court, passing life or +death sentence upon the various debutantes who pass before it. + +After you have piloted your partner five times along the length of this +line you have a pretty fair idea as to her merits or demerits, and, in +this particular case, you have a pretty fair idea as to just what the +evening holds out for you. When the music stops you should therefore +lead the girl over to a chair and ask to be allowed to bring her a glass +of punch. + +Instead of going directly to the punch bowl, you should turn your steps +toward the "stag line." There you will find several young men whom only +as late as that afternoon you counted among your very best friends, but +who do not, at the present, seem to remember ever having met you before. +Seizing the arm of one of these you say, "Tom, I want you to meet----" +That is as far as you will get, for Tom will suddenly interrupt you +by remarking, "Excuse me a minute, Ed--, I see a girl over there I've +simply got to speak to. I'll come right back." + +He will not come right back. He will not come back at all. And after you +have met with the same response from four other so-called friends, you +should return to the South Orange visitor and "carry on." + +At the end of the second hour, however, your mind should begin to +clear, and if you are at all possessed of the qualifications for future +ballroom leadership, you should gradually throw off the slough of +despond and determine to make a fight for life, liberty and the pursuit +of happiness. And when the music has once more ceased, you should ask +your partner if she would not care to take a jaunt in the open air. + +"I know a lovely walk," you should say, "across a quaint old bridge." + +The rest is, of course, easy. Arrived in the middle of the quaint old +bridge, which leads across a cavern some three hundred feet deep, you +should quickly seize the tall college graduate, and push her, not too +roughly or ungentlemanly, off the bridge. + +And, if you are really a genius, and not merely "one of the crowd" you +will return to the ballroom and, going up to the young lady who was +responsible for your having met the sweet girl from South Orange, you +will offer her your arm, and smile invitingly. + +"I know a lovely walk," you will say, "across a quaint old bridge." + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Perfect Behavior, by Donald Ogden Stewart + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PERFECT BEHAVIOR *** + +***** This file should be named 1446.txt or 1446.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/4/1446/ + +Produced by Charles Keller + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.04.29.93*END* + + + + + +Perfect Behavior by Donald Ogden Stewart + + + + + +Scanned by Charles Keller with OmniPage Professional OCR software + + + + + +PERFECT BEHAVIOR + +BY DONALD OGDEN STEWART + +A GUIDE FOR LADIES AND GENTLEMEN IN ALL SOCIAL CRISES + + + + +Those who are not self-possessed obtrude and pain us.--EMERSON + + + +PERFECT BEHAVIOR + +A parody outline of etiquette by the +Author of "A Parody Outline of History" + +The perfect gentleman is he who never unintentionally causes +pain.--OLD PROVERB + + + + +TO THE BRIDEGROOM WHOSE WEDDING WAS RUINED +BECAUSE THE BRIDE CAME DOWN THE AISLE +ON THE RIGHT INSTEAD OF THE LEFT +ARM OF HER FATHER +With Deepest Sympathy + + + + +Contents + +Chapter +I. THE ETIQUETTE OF COURTSHIP +A Few Words about Love--Curious Incident in a Yellow Taxicab--A +Silly Girl--Correct Introductions and how to Make Them--A +Well Known Congressman's Ludicrous Mistake in a Turkish +Bath--Cards and Flowers--Flowers and their Message in +Courtship--"A Clean Tooth Never Decays"--Receiving an +Invitation to Call--The Etiquette of Telephoning-A Telephone +Girl's Horrible End--Making the First Call--Conversation and +Some of its Uses--A Proper Call--The Proposal Proper-The Proposal +Improper--What Henry Wadsworth Longfellow Said to the +ex-Clergyman's Niece. + +II. THE ETIQUETTE OF ENGAGEMENTS AND WEDDINGS +The Historic Aspect--Announcing the Engagement--A Breton Fisher +Girl's Experience with a Traveling Salesman--The Bride-to-Be--The +Engagement Luncheon--Selecting the Bridal Party--Invitations and +Wedding Presents--A Good Joke on the Groom--"Madam, those are +my trousers"--Duties of the Best Man--A Demented Taxidermist's +Strange Gift -- The Bride's Tea--The Maid of Honor--What Aunt +Edna Saw on the Club Porch-The Bachelor Dinner and After-Some +Practical Uses for Bi-Carbonate of Soda--The Rehearsal --The +Bridal Dinner--A Church Wedding. + +III. THE ETIQUETTE OF TRAVEL +Hints for the Correct Pedestrianism--Description of a Walk around +Philadelphia with a Pueblo Indian in 1837--Travelling by Rail-- +Good Form on a Street Car--In the Subway--Fun with an Old +Gentleman's Whiskers--A Honeymoon in a Subway--Travelling under +Steam-A Correct Night in a Pullman-What Burton Holmes Found in +His Lower Berth. + +IV. AT THE CONCERT AND THE OPERA +Listening to a Symphony Orchestra--Curious Effect of Debussy's +"Apres-midi d'un Faune" and four gin fizzes on Uncle +Frederick--"No, fool like an old fool"--Correct Behavior at a +Piano Recital--Choosing One's Nearest Exit--In a Box at the +Opera--What a Kansas City Society Leader Did with Her Old +Victrola Records. + +V. ETIQUETTE FOR DRY AGENTS +Some Broader Aspects of Prohibition--Interesting Effect of Whisky +on Goldfish--The College Graduate as Dry Agent--Aunt Emily's +Amusing Experiences with a Quart of Gin Planning a Dry Raid on a +Masquerade Ball A Word About Correct Costumes--A California +Motion Picture Actress's Bad Taste--Good Form for Dry Agents +During a Raid-What the New York Clubman Said About Mr. Volstead. + +VI. A CHAPTER FOR SCHOOLGIRLS +Selecting a Proper School--Account of an Interesting Trip Down +the Eric Canal with Miss Spence--Correct Equipment for the +Schoolgirl --En Route--ln New York--A journey Around the +City--Description of the Visit of Ed. Pinaud to the Aquarium in +1858--The First Days in the New School--"After Lights" in a +Dormitory--An "Old Schoolgirl's" Confessions--Becoming +Acclimatized--A Visitor from Princeton-Strange Pets. + +VI. THE ETIQUETTE OF GAMES AND SPORTS +Golf as a Pastime--What Henry Ward Beecher Said When He Broke His +Niblic--An Afternoon at the Old Farm with the Dice--"Shoot you +for your ear trumpet, grandfather!"--Correct Behavior on a +Picnic--A Swedish Nobleman's Curious Method of Eating Potato +Chips--Boxing in American Society--A Good Joke on an Amateur +Boxer--"He didn't know it was Jack Dempsey!"--Bridge +Whist--Formal and Informal Drinking--A jolly Hallowe'en +Party -- Invitations -- Receiving the Guests--How to +Mystify--Games. + +VIII. CORRESPONDENCE AND INVITATIONS +Correspondence for Young Ladies--College Boys How to Order a Full +Dress Suit by Mail --Letters to Parents--A Prominent Retired +Bank President's Advice to Correspondents--Letters from +Parents--Peculiarities of the Divorce Laws of New York--Letters +to Prospective Fathers-in-Law--A Correct Form of Letter to a +Society Matron Asking Her How About that Grocery Bill for +Eighty-Two Dollars and Sixty-Seven Cents--Love +Letters--Correspondence of Public Officials---Letters to +Strangers--Letters to Newspapers, Magazines, etc.--Invitations, +Acceptances and Regrets. + +IX. THE ETIQUETTE OF DINNERS AND BALLS +Formal Dinners in America-Table Manners for Children--Removing +Stains from Gray Silk--A Child's Garden of Etiquette--Etiquette +in the School--Conversation at Dinner--What a New Jersey Lady Did +with Her Olive Seeds --Stewart's Lightning Calculator of Dinner +Table Conversation--"It Seems that Pat and Mike"--Balls and +Dances---Artificial Respiration--Mixed Dancing--Hints for Stags. + + +A Word of Warning and Encouragement + + + + +CHAPTER ONE: THE ETIQUETTE OF COURTSHIP + +A FEW WORDS ABOUT LOVE + +Courtship is one of the oldest of social customs, even antedating +in some countries such long-established usages as marriage, or +the wearing of white neckties with full evening dress. The +beginnings of the etiquette of courtship were apparently +connected in some way with the custom of "love" between the +sexes, and many of the old amatory forms still survive in the +modern courtship. It is generally agreed among students of the +history of etiquette that when "love" first began to become +popular among the better class of younger people they took to it +with such avidity that it was necessary to devise some sort of +rules for the conduct of formal or informal love-making. These +rules, together with various amendments, now constitute the +etiquette of courtship. + +Suppose, for example, that you are a young gentleman named +Richard Roe desirous of entering upon a formal courtship with +some refined young girl of fashion. You are also, being a college +graduate, engaged in the bond business. One morning there comes +into your financial institution a young lady, named Dorothy Doe, +who at once attracts your attention by her genteel manners, as +exemplified by the fact that she calls the president of your +company "father." So many young people seem to think it "smart" +to refer to their parents as "dad" or "my old man"; you are +certain, as soon as you hear her say "Hello, father" to your +employer, that she is undoubtedly a worthy object of courtship. + + +CORRECT INTRODUCTIONS; HOW TO MAKE THEM + +Your first step should be, of course, the securing of an +introduction. Introductions still play an important part in +social intercourse, and many errors are often perpetrated by +those ignorant of savoir faire (correct form). When introducing a +young lady to a stranger for example, it is not au fait (correct +form) to simply say, "Mr. Roe, I want you to shake hands with my +friend Dorothy." Under the rules of the beau monde (correct form) +this would probably be done as follows: "Dorothy (or Miss Doe), +shake hands with Mr. Roe." Always give the name of the lady +first, unless you are introducing some one to the President of +the United States, the Archbishop of Canterbury, a member of the +nobility above a baron, or a customer. The person who is being +"introduced" then extends his (or her) right ungloved hand and +says, "Shake." You "shake," saying at the same time, "It's warm +(cool) for November (May)," to which the other replies, "I'll say +it is." + +This brings up the interesting question of introducing two people +to each other, neither of whose names you can remember. This is +generally done by saying very quickly to one of the parties, "Of +course you know Miss Unkunkunk." Say the last "unk" very quickly, +so that it sounds like any name from Ab to Zinc. You might even +sneeze violently. Of course, in nine cases out of ten, one of the +two people will at once say, "I didn't get the name," at which +you laugh, "Ha! Ha! Ha!" in a carefree manner several times, +saying at the same time, "Well, well--so you didn't get the +name--you didn't get the name --well, well." If the man still +persists in wishing to know who it is to whom he is being +introduced, the best procedure consists in simply braining him on +the spot with a club or convenient slab of paving stone. + +The "introduction," in cases where you have no mutual friend to +do the introducing, is somewhat more difficult but can generally +be arranged as follows: + +Procure a few feet of stout manila rope or clothes-line, from any +of the better-class hardware stores. Ascertain (from the Social +Register, preferably) the location of the young lady's residence, +and go there on some dark evening about nine o'clock. Fasten the +rope across the sidewalk in front of the residence about six +inches or a foot from the ground. Then, with the aid of a match +and some kerosene, set fire to the young lady's house in several +places and retire behind a convenient tree. After some time, if +she is at home, she will probably be forced to run out of her +house to avoid being burned to death. In her excitement she will +fail to notice the rope which you have stretched across the +sidewalk and will fall. This is your opportunity to obtain an +introduction. Stepping up to her and touching your hat politely, +you say, in a well modulated voice, "I beg your pardon, Miss Doe, +but I cannot help noticing that you are lying prone on the +sidewalk." If she is well bred, she will not at first speak to +you, as you are a perfect stranger. This silence, however, should +be your cue to once more tip your hat and remark, "I realize, +Miss Doe, that I have not had the honor of an introduction, but +you will admit that you are lying prone on the sidewalk. Here is +my card--and here is one for Mrs. Doe, your mother." At that you +should hand her two plain engraved calling cards, each containing +your name and address. If there are any other ladies in her +family--aunts, grandmothers, et cetera--it is correct to leave +cards for them also. Be sure that the cards are clean, as the +name on the calling card is generally sufficient for +identification purposes without the addition of the thumbprint. + +When she has accepted your cards, she will give you one of hers, +after which it will be perfectly correct for you to assist her to +rise from the sidewalk. Do not, however, press your attentions +further upon her at this time, but after expressing the proper +regret over her misfortune it would be well to bow and retire. + + +{illustration caption = +Every one knows that table manners betray one's bringing-up +mercilessly. The young man in the picture has good reason to wish +a meteorite would fall on him. His perpendicularity has just been +restored by a deft upward movement of Aunt Harriet's shoulder, +upon which he had inadvertently rested his head during a quiet +snooze while Cousin Edna was making her little speech at the +Bridal Dinner. PERFECT BEHAVIOR would have Pasteurized him +against even Bridal Dinners.} + + +{illustration caption = +When a woman recognizes and nods to a man to whom she has been +formally introduced several times, or to whom she has been +married, is the man expected to accept the greeting and politely +lift his hat or should he lift both his hat and his toupee? +Street etiquette is disposed authoritatively and finally in +PERFECT BEHAVIOR.} + +{illustration caption = +You are, let us pretend, walking in the park. You come upon two +benches arranged as shown in the above diagram. Would you know +which bench it would be proper to sit on if you are (1) a young +man just out of college--(2) a rather homely young woman? To +avoid embarrassment look this up in PERFECT BEHAVIOR.} + + +{illustration caption = +A jolly crowd is boarding the 4:56 for a house-party in the +suburbs. The gentleman at the right, having been educated abroad, +has never learned to play the ukelele, the banjo, the jew's harp +or the saxophone, and is, with the best intentions in the world, +attempting to contribute his share to the gaiety of the coming +evenings by bringing along his player-piano. Would you--be +honest!--have recognized his action as a serious social blunder +without having referred to PERFECT BEHAVIOR?} + + +{illustration caption = +The young mother in the picture is traveling from one point to +another in a Pullman. In the effort to commit as great a nuisance +as possible, she has provided her child with a banana and a hard +boiled egg. Not having dipped into the chapter on travel in +PERFECT BEHAVIOR, she is ignorant of the fact that a peach would +have produced quite as much mess and far more permanent stains +and a folding cup for the water cooler would have spread the +disturbance over a wider area.} + + + +CARDS AND FLOWERS + +The next day, however, you should send flowers, enclosing another +of your cards. It might be well to write some message on the card +recalling the events of the preceding evening--nothing intimate, +but simply a reminder of your first meeting and a suggestion that +you might possibly desire to continue the acquaintanceship. +Quotations from poetry of the better sort are always appropriate; +thus, on this occasion, it might be nice to write on the card +accompanying the flowers--" "This is the forest primeval'--H. W. +Longfellow," or "'Take, oh take, those lips away'--W. +Shakespeare." You will find there are hundreds of lines equally +appropriate for this and other occasions, and in this connection +it might be well to display a little originality at times by +substituting pertinent verses of your own in place of the +conventional quotations. For example--"This is the forest +primeval, I regret your last evening's upheaval," shows the young +lady in question that not only are you well-read in classic +poetry, but also you have no mean talent of your own. Too much +originality, however, is dangerous, especially in polite social +intercourse, and I need hardly remind you that the floors of the +social ocean are watered with the tears of those who seek to walk +on their own hook. + +Within a week after you have sent the young lady the flowers, you +should receive a polite note of thanks, somewhat as follows: "My +dear Mr. Roe: Those lovely flowers came quite as a surprise. They +are lovely, and I cannot thank you enough for your +thoughtfulness. Their lovely fragrance fills my room as I write, +and I wish to thank you again. It was lovely of you." + + +FLOWERS AND THEIR MESSAGE IN COURTSHIP + +It is now time to settle down to the more serious business of +courtship. Her letter shows beyond the shadow of a figurative +doubt that she is "interested," and the next move is "up to you." +Probably she will soon come into the office to see her father, in +which case you should have ready at hand some appropriate gift, +such as, for example, a nice potted geranium. Great care should +be taken, however, that it is a plant of the correct species, for +in the etiquette of courtship all flowers have different meanings +and many a promising affair has been ruined because a suitor sent +his lady a buttercup, meaning "That's the last dance I'll ever +take you to, you big cow," instead of a plant with a more tender +significance. Some of the commoner flowers and their meaning in +courtship are as follows: + +Fringed Gentian--"I am going out to get a shave. Back at 3:30." + +Poppy--"I would be proud to be the father of your children." + +Golden-rod--"I hear that you have hay-fever." + +Tuberose--"Meet me Saturday at the Fourteenth Street subway +station." + +Blood-root--"Aunt Kitty murdered Uncle Fred Thursday." + +Dutchman's Breeches--"That case of Holland gin and Old Tailor has +arrived. Come on over." + +Iris--"Could you learn to love an optician?" + +Aster--"Who was that stout Jewish-looking party I saw you with in +the hotel lobby Friday?" + +Deadly Nightshade--"Pull down those blinds, quick!" + +Passion Flower--"Phone Main 1249--ask for Eddie." + +Raspberry--"I am announcing my engagement to Charlie O'Keefe +Tuesday." + +Wild Thyme--"I have seats for the Hippodrome Saturday afternoon." + + +The above flowers can also be combined to make different +meanings, as, for example, a bouquet composed of three tuberoses +and some Virginia creeper generally signifies the following, "The +reason I didn't call for you yesterday was that I had three inner +tube punctures, besides a lot of engine trouble in that old car I +bought in Virginia last year. Gosh, I'm sorry!" + +But to return to the etiquette of our present courtship. As Miss +Doe leaves the office you follow her, holding the potted plant in +your left hand. After she has gone a few paces you step up to +her, remove your hat (or cap) with your right hand, and offer her +the geranium, remarking, "I beg your pardon, miss, but didn't you +drop this?" A great deal depends upon the manner in which you +offer the plant and the way she receives it. If you hand it to +her with the flower pointing upward it means, "Dare I hope?" +Reversed, it signifies, "Your petticoat shows about an inch, or +an inch and a half." If she receives the plant in her right hand, +it means, "I am"; left hand, "You are"; both hands--"He, she or +it is." If, however, she takes the pot firmly in both hands and +breaks it with great force on your head, the meaning is usually +negative and your only correct course of procedure is a hasty bow +and a brief apology. + + +RECEIVING AN INVITATION TO CALL + +Let us suppose, however, that she accepts the geranium in such a +manner that you are encouraged to continue the acquaintance. Your +next move should be a request for an invitation to call upon her +at her home. This should, above all things, not be done crudely. +It is better merely to suggest your wish by some indirect method +such as, "Oh--so you live on William Street. Well, well! I often +walk on William Street in the evening, but I have never called on +any girl there--YET." The "yet" may be accompanied by a slight +raising of your eyebrows, a wink, or a friendly nudge with your +elbow. Unless she is unusually "dense" she will probably "take +the hint" and invite you to come and see her some evening. At +once you should say, "WHAT evening? How about TO-NIGHT?" If she +says that she is already engaged for that evening, take a +calendar out of your pocket and remark, "Tomorrow? Wednesday? +Thursday? Friday? I really have no engagements between now and +October. Saturday? Sunday?" This will show her that you are +really desirous of calling upon her and she will probably say, +"Well, I think I am free Thursday night, but you had better +telephone me first." + + +THE ETIQUETTE OF TELEPHONING + +On Thursday morning, therefore, you should go to a public +telephone-booth in order to call the young lady's house. The +etiquette of telephoning is quite important and many otherwise +perfectly well-bred people often make themselves conspicuous +because they do not know the correct procedure in using this +modern but almost indispensable invention. Upon entering the +telephone-booth, which is located, say, in some drug store, you +remove the receiver from the hook and deposit the requisite coin +in the coin box. After an interval of some minutes a young lady +(referred to as "Central") will ask for your "Number, please." +Suppose, for example, that you wish to get Bryant 4310. Remove +your hat politely and speak that number into the mouthpiece. +"Central" will then say, "Rhinelander 4310." To which you reply, +"NO, Central--BRYANT 4310." Central then says, "I beg your +pardon--Bryant 4310," to which you reply, "Yes, please." In a few +minutes a voice at the other end of the line says, "Hello," to +which you answer, "Is Miss Doe at home?" The voice then says, +"Who?" You say, "Miss Doe, please--Miss Dorothy Doe." You then +hear the following, "Wait a minute. Say, Charlie, is they anybody +works around here by the name of Doe? There's a guy wants to talk +to a Miss Doe. Here--you answer it." Another voice then says, +"Hello." You reply "Hello." He says, "What do you want?" You +reply, "I wish to speak to Miss Dorothy Doe." He says, "What +department does she work in?" You reply, "Is this the residence +of J. Franklin Doe, President of the First National Bank?" He +says, "Wait a minute." You wait a minute. You wait several. +Another voice--a new voice says-"Hello." You reply "Hello." He +says, "Give me Stuyvesant 8864." You say, "But I'm trying to get +Miss Doe--Miss Dorothy Doe." He says, "Who?" You say, "Is this +the residence of --" He says, "Naw--this is Goebel Brothers, +Wholesale Grocers--what number do you want?" You say, "Bryant +4310." He says, "Well, this is Rhinelander 4310." You then hang +up the receiver and count twenty. The telephone bell then rings, +and inasmuch as you are the only person near the phone you take +up the receiver and say, "Hello." A female voice, says, "Hello, +dearie--don't you know who this is?" You say, politely but +firmly, "No." She says, "Guess!" You guess "Mrs. Warren G. +Harding." She says, "No. This is Ethel. Is Walter there?" You +reply, "Walter?" She says, "Ask him to come to the phone, will +you? He lives up-stairs over the drug store. Just yell "Walter' +at the third door down the hall. Tell him Ethyl wants to speak to +him--no, wait--tell him it's Madge." Being a gentleman, you +comply with the lady's request. After bringing Walter to the +phone, you obligingly wait for some twenty minutes while he +converses with Ethel--no, Madge. When he has finished, you once +more enter the booth and tell "Central" you want Bryant 4310. +After a few minutes "Central" says, "What number did you call?" +You say patiently, "Bryant 4310." She replies, "Bryant 4310 has +been changed to Schuyler 6372." You ask for Schuyler 6372. +Finally a woman's voice says, "Yass." You say, "Is Miss Doe in?" +She replies, "Yass." You say, "May I speak to her?" She says, +"Who?" You reply, "You said Miss Doe was at home, didn't you?" +She replies, "Yass." You say, "Well, may I speak to her?" The +voice says, "Who?" You shout, "Miss Doe." The voice says, "She +ban out." You shriek, "Oh, go to hell!" and assuming a graceful, +easy position in the booth, you proceed to tear the telephone +from the wall. Later on in the day, when you have two or three +hours of spare time, you can telephone Miss Doe again and arrange +for the evening's visit. + + +MAKING THE FIRST CALL + +The custom of social "calls" between young men and young women is +one of the prettiest of etiquette's older conventions, and one +around which clusters a romantic group of delightful traditions. +In this day and generation, what with horseless carriages, +electric telephones and telegraphs, and dirigible gas bags, a +great many of the older forms have been allowed to die out, +greatly, I believe, to our discredit. "Speed, not manners," seems +to be the motto of this century. I hope that there still exist a +few young men who care enough about "good form" to study +carefully to perfect themselves in the art of "calling." Come, +Tom, Dick and Harry--drop your bicycles for an afternoon and fill +your minds with something besides steam engines and pneumatic +tires! + +The first call at the home of any young lady of fashion is an +extremely important social function, and too great care can not +be taken that you prepare yourself thoroughly in advance. It +would be well to leave your work an hour or two earlier in the +afternoon, so that you can go home and practice such necessary +things as entering or leaving a room correctly. Most young men +are extremely careless in this particular, and unless you +rehearse yourself thoroughly in the proper procedure you are apt +to find later on to your dismay that you have made your exit +through a window onto the fire-escape instead of through the +proper door. + + +CONVERSATION AND SOME OF ITS USES + +Your conversation should also be planned more or less in advance. +Select some topic in which you think your lady friend will be +interested, such as, for example, the removal of tonsils and +adenoids, and "read up" on the subject so that you can discuss it +in an intelligent manner. Find out, for example, how many people +had tonsils removed in February, March, April. Contrast this with +the same figures for 1880, 1890, 1900. Learn two or three amusing +anecdotes about adenoids. Consult Bartlett's "Familiar +Quotations" for appropriate verses dealing with tonsils and +throat troubles. Finally, and above all, take time to glance +through four or five volumes of Dr. Eliot's Five Foot Shelf, for +nothing so completely marks the cultivated man as the ability to +refer familiarly to the various volumes of the Harvard classics. + + +A PROPER CALL + +Promptly at the time appointed you should arrive at the house +where the young lady is staying. In answer to your ring a German +police dog will begin to bark furiously inside the house, and a +maid will finally come to the door. Removing your hat and one +glove, you say, "Is Miss Doe home?" The maid replies, "Yass, ay +tank so." You give her your card and the dog rushes out and bites +you on either the right or left leg. You are then ushered into a +room in which is seated an old man with a long white beard. He is +fast asleep. "Dot's grampaw," says the maid, to which you reply, +"Oh." She retires, leaving you alone with grampaw. After a while +he opens his eyes and stares at you for a few minutes. He then +says, "Did the dog bite you?" You answer, "Yes, sir." Grampaw +then says, "He bites everybody," and goes back to sleep. +Reassured, you light a cigaret. A little boy and girl then come +to the door, and, after examining you carefully for several +minutes, they burst into giggling laughter and run away. You feel +to see if you have forgotten to put on a necktie. A severe +looking old lady then enters the room. You rise and bow. "I am +Miss Doe's grandmother. Some one has been smoking in here," she +says, and sits down opposite you. Her remark is not, however, a +hint for a cigaret and you should not make the mistake of saying, +"I've only got Fatimas, but if you care to try one--" It should +be your aim to seek to impress yourself favorably upon every +member of the young lady's family. Try to engage the grandmother +in conversation, taking care to select subjects in which you feel +she would be interested. Conversation is largely the art of +"playing up" to the other person's favorite subject. In this +particular case, for example, it would be a mistake to say to +Miss Doe's grandmother, "Have you ever tried making synthetic +gin?" or "Do you think any one will EVER lick Dempsey?" A more +experienced person, and some one who had studied the hobbies of +old people, would probably begin by remarking, "Well, I see that +Jeremiah Smith died of cancer Thursday," or "That was a lovely +burial they gave Mrs. Watts, wasn't it?" If you are tactful, you +should soon win the old lady's favor completely, so that before +long she will tell you all about her rheumatism and what grampaw +can and can't eat. + +Finally Miss Doe arrives. Her first words are, "Have you been +waiting long? Hilda didn't tell me you were here," to which you +reply, "No--I just arrived." She then says, "Shall we go in the +drawing-room?" The answer to this is, "For God's sake, yes!" In a +few minutes you find yourself alone in the drawing-room with the +lady of your choice and the courtship proper can then begin. + +The best way to proceed is gradually to bring the conversation +around to the subject of the "modern girl." After your +preliminary remarks about tonsils and adenoids have been +thoroughly exhausted, you should suddenly say, "Well I don't +think girls--nice girls--are really that way." She replies, of +course, "WHAT way?" You answer, "Oh, the way they are in these +modern novels. This "petting,' for instance." She says, "WHAT +"petting'?" You walk over and sit down on the sofa beside her. +"Oh," you say, "these novelists make me sick--they seem to think +that in our generation every time a young man and woman are left +alone on a lounge together, they haven't a thing better to do +than put out the light and "pet.' It's disgusting, isn't it?" +"Isn't it?" she agrees and reaching over she accidentally pulls +the lamp cord, which puts out the light. + +On your first visit you should not stay after +12:30. + + +THE PROPOSAL PROPER + +About the second or third month of a formal courtship it is +customary for the man to propose matrimony, and if the girl has +been "out" for three or four years and has several younger +sisters coming along, it is customary for her to accept him. They +then become "engaged," and the courtship is concluded. + + + +CHAPTER TWO: THE ETIQUETTE OF ENGAGEMENTS AND WEDDINGS + +THE HISTORIC ASPECT + +"Matrimony," sings Homer, the poet, "is a holy estate and not +lightly to be entered into." The "old Roman" is right. + +A modern wedding is one of the most intricate and exhausting of +social customs. Young men and women of our better classes are now +forced to devote a large part of their lives to acting as brides, +grooms, ushers and bridesmaids at various elaborate nuptials. +Weeks are generally required in preparation for an up-to-date +wedding; months are necessary in recovering from such an affair. +Indeed, some of the participants, notably the bride and groom, +never quite get over the effects of a marriage. + +It was not "always thus." Time was when the wedding was a +comparatively simple. affair. In the Paleolithic Age, for +example, (as Mr. H. G. Wells of England points out in his able +"Outline of History"), there is no evidence of any particular +ceremony conjunctive with the marriage of "a male and a female." +Even with the advent of Neolithic man, a wedding seems to have +been consummated by the rather simple process of having the +bridegroom crack the bride over the head with a plain, +unornamented stone ax. There were no ushers--no bridesmaids. But +shortly after that (c- 10,329--30 B.C. to be exact) two young +Neoliths named Haig, living in what is now supposed to be +Scotland, discovered that the prolonged distillation of common +barley resulted in the creation of an amber-colored liquid which, +when taken internally, produced a curious and not unpleasant +effect. + +This discovery had--and still has--a remarkable effect upon the +celebration of the marriage rite. Gradually there grew up around +the wedding a number of customs. With the Haig brothers' +discovery of Scotch whiskey began, as a matter of course, the +institution of the "bachelor dinner." "Necessity is the mother of +invention," and exactly twelve years after the first "bachelor +dinner" came the discovery of bicarbonate of soda. From that time +down to the present day the history of the etiquette of weddings +has been that of an increasing number of intricate forms and +ceremonies, each age having added its particular bit of ritual. +The modern wedding may be said to be, therefore, almost an +"Outline of History" itself. + + +ANNOUNCING THE ENGAGEMENT + +LET us begin, first of all, with the duties of one of the minor +characters at a wedding --the Groom. Suppose that you are an +eligible young man named Richard Roe, who has just become +"engaged" to a young lady named Dorothy Doe. If you really intend +to "marry the girl," it is customary that some formal +announcement of the engagement be made, for which you must have +the permission of Miss Dorothy and her father. It is not +generally difficult to become engaged to most girls, but it will +surprise you to discover how hard it is to get the young lady +whom you believe to be your fiancee to consent to a public +announcement of the fact. The reason for this probably is that an +engagement which has been "announced" often leads to matrimony, +and matrimony, in polite society, often lasts for several years. +After you have secured the girl's permission, it is next +necessary that you notify her father of the engagement. In this +particular case, as he happens to be your employer, the +notification can take place in his office. First of all, however, +it would be advisable to prepare some sort of speech in advance. +Aim to put him as far as possible at his ease, lead up to the +subject gradually and tactfully. Abruptness is never "good form." +The following is suggested as a possible model. "Good morning, +Mr. Doe, say, I heard a good story from a traveling salesman last +night. It seems that there was a young married couple--(here +insert a good story about a young married couple). Wasn't that +RICH? Yes, sir, marriage is a great thing--a great institution. +Every young man ought to get married, don't you think? You do? +Well, Mr. Doe, I've got a surprise for you, (here move toward the +door). I'm going to (here open the door) marry (step out of the +room) your daughter" (close the door quickly). + + +THE BRIDE-TO-BE + +Before the public announcement of the engagement it is customary +for the bride-to-be to write personal letters to all other young +men to whom she happens to be engaged at the time. These notes +should be kindly, sympathetic and tactful. The same note can be +written to all, provided there is no chance of their comparing +notes. The following is suggested: + +"Dear Bob-- + +Bob, I want you to be the very first to know that I am engaged to +Richard Roe. I want you to like him, Bob, because he is a fine +fellow and I would rather have you like him than any one I know. +I feel that he and I shall be very happy together, and I want you +to be the first to know about it. Your friendship will always +remain one of the brightest things in my life, Bob, but, of +course, I probably won't be able to go to the Aiken dance with +you now. Please don't tell anybody about it yet. I shall never +forget the happy times you and I had together, Bob, and will you +please return those silly letters of mine. I am sending you +yours." + + +{illustration caption = +Nothing so completely betrays the "Cockney" as a faulty knowledge +of sporting terms. The young lady at the left has just returned +from the hunting field hand-in-hand with the dashing "lead," who +happens to be an eligible billionaire. Her hostess, the mother of +the sub-deb at the right, has greeted her by hissing, "S--o--o! I +see you've had a good day's hunting!" The use of this +unsportsmanlike expression--in stead of the correct "Hope you had +a good run," or "Where did you find?"--at once discloses the +hostess's mean origin and the young lady will almost certainly +never accept +another invitation to her house.} + +{illustration caption = +In this work-a-day world, one is likely to forget that there is +an etiquette of pleasure, just as there is an etiquette of +dancing or the opera. One often hears a charming hostess refuse +to invite this or that person to her home for a game of billiards +on the ground that he or she is a "bum sport" or a "rotten +loser." The above scene illustrates one of the little, but +conspicuous, blunders that people make. The gentleman, having +missed his fifth consecutive shot, has broken his cue over his +knee and is ripping the baize off the table with the sharp end. +This display is not in the best taste. + +{illustration caption = +Good form at the beach is still a question of debate. Some +authorities on the subject insist that the Rubenesque type is +preferable, while others claim that the Byzantine is more +fashionable. One thing is certain--it is absolutely incorrect for +ladies who weigh less than 75 or more than 275 pounds +(avoirdupois) to appear in costumes that would offend against +modesty. It is also considered rude to hold one's swimming +partner under water for more then the formal quarter of an hour.} + + +THE ENGAGEMENT LUNCHEON + +THE engagement is generally announced at a luncheon given by the +parents of the prospective bride. This is usually a small affair, +only fifteen or twenty of the most intimate friends of the +engaged "couple" being invited. It is one of the customs of +engagement luncheons that all the guests shall be tremendously +surprised at the news, and great care should be taken to aid them +in carrying out this tradition. On the invitations, for example, +should be written some misleading phrase, such as "To meet +General Pershing" or "Not to Announce the Engagement of our +Daughter." + +The announcement itself which should be made soon after the +guests are seated, offers a splendid opportunity for the display +of originality and should aim to afford the guest a surprise and +perhaps a laugh, for laughter of a certain quiet kind is often +welcome at social functions. One of the most favored methods of +announcing an engagement is by the use of symbolic figures +embodying the names of the affianced pair. Thus, for example, in +the case of the present engagement of Richard Roe to Dorothy Doe +it would be "unique" to have the first course at luncheon consist +of a diminutive candy or paper-mache doe seated amorously upon a +heart shaped order of a shad roe. The guests will at first be +mystified, but soon cries of "Oh, how sweet!" will arise and +congratulations are then in order. Great care should be taken, +however, that the symbolic figures are not misunderstood; it +would be extremely embarrassing, for example, if in the above +instance, a young man named "Shad" or "Aquarium" were to receive +the congratulations instead of the proper person. Other +suggestions for symbolistic announcements of some of the more +common names are as follows: + +"Cohan-O'Brien"--ice cream cones on a plate of O'Brien potatoes. + +"Ames-Green--green ice cream in the shape of a man aiming at +something. + +"Thorne-Hoyt--figure of a man from Brooklyn pulling a thorn from +foot with expression on his face signifying "This hoits." + +"Bullitt-Bartlett--bartlett pears full of small 22 or 33 calibre +bullets. + +"Tweed-Ellis"--frosted cake in the shape of Ellis Island with a +solitary figure of a man in a nice fitting tweed suit. + +"Gordon-Fuller"--two paper-mache figures--one representing a +young man full of Gordon gin, the other representing a young man +fuller. + +"Hatch-Gillette"--figure of a chicken surprised at having hatched +a safety razor. + +"Graves-Colgate"--figure of a man brushing his teeth in a +cemetery. + +"Heinz-Fish"--57 assorted small fish tastily arranged on one +plate. + + +SELECTING THE BRIDAL PARTY + +AS soon as the engagement has been announced it is the duty of +the prospective bride to select a maid-of-honor and eight or ten +bridesmaids, while the groom must choose his best man and ushers. +In making these selections it should be carefully borne in mind +that no wedding party is complete without the following: + +1 bridesmaid who danced twice with the Prince of Wales. + +2 Bridesmaids who never danced more than once with anybody. + +1 bridesmaid who doesn't "Pet." + +1 bridesmaid who was expelled from Miss Spence's. + +1 bridesmaid who talks "Southern." + +1 bridesmaid who met Douglas Fairbanks once. + +1 bridesmaid who rowed on the crew at Wellesley. + +1 usher who doesn't drink anything. + +9 ushers who drink anything. + + +In some localities, following the announcement, it is customary +for the bride's friends, to give for her a number of "showers." +These are for the purpose of providing her with various +necessities for her wedded household life. These affairs should +be informal and only her dearest or wealthiest friends should be +invited. A clever bride will generally arrange secretly for +several of these "showers" by promising a certain percentage +(usually 15% of the gross up to $500.00 and 25% bonus on all over +that amount) to the friend who gives the party. Some of the more +customary "showers" of common household articles for the new +bride are toothpaste, milk of magnesia, screen doors, copies of +Service's poems, Cape Cod lighters, pictures of "Age of +Innocence" and back numbers of the "Atlantic Monthly." + + +INVITATIONS AND WEDDING PRESENTS + +The proper time to send out invitations to a wedding is between +two and three weeks before the day set for the ceremony, although +the out-of-town invitations should be mailed in plenty of time to +allow the recipient to purchase and forward a suitable present. +As the gifts are received, a check mark should be placed after +the name of the donor, together with a short description of the +present and an estimate as to its probable cost. This list is to +be used later, at the wedding reception, in determining the +manner in which the bride is to greet the various guests. It has +been found helpful by many brides to devise some sort of memory +system whereby certain names immediately suggest certain +responses, thus: + +"Mr. Snodgrass--copy of "Highways and Byways in Old France"--c. +$6.50--"how do you do, Mr. Snodgrass, have you met my mother?" + +"Mr. Brackett--Solid silver candlesticks--$68.50"--"hello, Bob, +you old peach. How about a kiss?" + +The real festivities of a wedding start about three days before +the ceremony, with the arrival of the "wedding party," in which +party the most responsible position is that of best man. Let us +suppose that you are to be the best man at the Roe-Doe nuptials. +What are your duties? + +In the first place, you must prepare yourself for the wedding by +a course of training extending for over a month or more prior to +the actual event. It should be your aim to work yourself into +such a condition that you can go for three nights without sleep, +talk for hours to the most impossibly stupid of young women, and +consume an unending amount of alcohol. You are then prepared for +the bachelor dinner, the bridal dinner, the bridesmaids, the +wedding, and the wedding reception. + + +DUTIES OF THE BEST MAN + +Upon your arrival in the city where the wedding is to take place +you will be met by the bridegroom, who will take you to the home +of the bride where you are to stay. There you are met by the +bride's father. "This is my best man," says the groom. "The best +man?" replies her father. "Well, may the best man win." At once +you reply, "Ha! Ha! Ha!" He then says, "Is this your first visit +to Chicago?" to which the correct answer is, "Yes, sir, but I +hope it isn't my last." + +The bride's mother then appears. "This is my best man," says the +groom. "Well," says she, "remember--the best man doesn't always +win." "Ha! Ha! Ha!" you at once reply. "Is this your first visit +to Chicago?" says she, to which you answer, "Yes--but I hope it +isn't my last." + +You are then conducted to your room, where you are left alone to +unpack. In a few minutes the door will open and a small boy +enter. This is the brother of the bride. You smile at him +pleasantly and remark, "Is this your first visit to Chicago?" +"What are you doing?" is his answer. "Unpacking," you reply. +"What's that?" says he. "A cutaway," you reply. "What's that?" +says he. "A collar bag." "What's that?" "A dress shirt." "What's +that?" says he. "Another dress shirt." "What's that?" says he. +"Say, listen," you reply, "don't I hear some one calling you?" +"No," says he, "what's that?" "That," you reply, with a sigh of +relief, "is a razor. Here --take it and play with it." In three +minutes, if you have any luck at all, the bride's brother will +have cut himself severely in several places which will cause him +to run crying from the room. You can then finish unpacking. + + +THE BRIDE'S TEA + +The first function of the pre-nuptial festivities is generally a +tea at the bride's home, where the ushers and bridesmaids meet to +become "acquainted." It is your duty, as best man, to go to the +hotel where the ushers are stopping and bring them to this tea. +Just as you will leave on this mission the groom will whisper in +your ear, "For God's sake, remember to tell them that her father +and mother are terribly opposed to drinking in any form." This is +an awfully good joke on her father and mother. + +As you step out of the hotel elevator you hear at the end of the +hall a chorus shouting, "Mademoiselle from Armentieres--parlez +vous!" Those are your ushers. + +Opening the door of the room you step forward and announce, +"Fellows, we have got to go to a tea right away. Come on--let's +go." At this, ten young men in cutaways will stand up and shout, +"Yeaaa--the best man--give the best man a drink!" From then on, +at twelve minute intervals, it is your duty to say, "Fellows, we +have got to go to a tea right away. Come on--let's go." Each time +you will be handed another drink, which you may take with either +your right or left hand. + +After an hour the telephone will ring. It will be the groom. He +will say, "Everybody is waiting for you and the ushers," to which +you reply, "We are just leaving." He then says, "And don't forget +to tell them what I told you about her father and mother." + +You then hang up the receiver, take a drink in one hand and say, +"Fellows, I have a very solemn message for you. It's a message +which is of deep importance to each one of us. Fellows--her +father and mother object to the use of alcohol in any form." + +This statement will be greeted with applause and cheers. You will +all then take one more drink, put on your silk hats and gray +gloves, and leave the room singing, "Her father and mother object +to drink--parlez vous." + +The tea given by the bride's parents is generally a small affair +to which only the members of the wedding party are invited. When +you and the ushers arrive, you will find the bride, the maid of +honor and the bridesmaids waiting for you. As you enter the room, +make a polite bow to the bride's father and mother, and be sure +to apologize for your lateness. Nothing so betrays the social +"oil can" as a failure to make a plausible excuse for tardiness. +Whenever you are late for a party you must always have ready some +good reason for your fault, such as, "Excuse me, Mrs. Doe, I'm +afraid I am a little late, but you see, just as I was dressing, +this filling dropped out of my tooth and I had to have it put +back in." If the host and hostess seem to doubt your statement, +it would be well to show them the recalcitrant filling in +question, although if they are "well-bred" they will probably in +most cases take you at your word. + + +THE MAID OF HONOR + +You and the ushers will then be introduced to the bridesmaids and +the maid of honor. As you meet this latter young lady, who is the +bride's older sister and, of course, your partner for the +remainder of the wedding festivities, she will say, "The best +man? Well, they say that the best man wins . . . Ha! Ha! Ha!" +This puts her in class G 6 without further examination, and your +only hope of prolonging your life throughout the next two days +lies in the frequent and periodic administration of stimulants. + + +THE BACHELOR DINNER AND AFTER + +That evening the groom gives for the best man and the ushers what +is known as a "bachelor dinner." It is his farewell to his men +friends as he passes out of the state of bachelorhood. The formal +passing out generally occurs toward the end of the dinner, and is +a quaint ceremony participated in by most of those present. + +It is customary for the best man to wake up about noon of the +following day. You will not have the slightest idea as to where +you are or how you got there. You will be wearing your dress +trousers, your stiff or pleated bosom dress shirt, black socks +and pumps, and the coat of your pajamas. In one hand you will be +clutching a chrysanthemum. After a few minutes there will come a +low moan from the next bed. That is usually the groom, also in +evening dress with the exception that he has tried to put on the +trousers of your pajamas over his dress trousers. You then say, +"What happened?" to which he replies, "Oh, Judas." You wait +several minutes. In the next room you hear the sound of a shower +bath and some one whistling. The bath stops; the whistling +continues. The door then opens and there enters one of the +ushers. He is the usher who always "feels great" the next day +after the bachelor dinner. He says to you, "Well, boys, you look +all in." You do not reply. He continues, "Gosh, I feel fine." You +make no response. He then begins to chuckle, "I don't suppose you +remember," he says, "what you said to the bride's mother when I +brought you home last night." You sit quickly up in bed. "What +did I say?" you ask. "Was I tight?" "Were you tight?" he replies, +still chuckling. "Don't you remember what you said? And don't you +remember trying to get the bride's father to slide down the +banisters with you? Were you tight--Oh, my gosh!" He then exits, +chuckling. Statistics of several important life insurance +companies show that that type of man generally dies a violent +death before the age of thirty. + + +THE REHEARSAL + +The rehearsal for the wedding is usually held in the church on +the afternoon preceding the day of the nuptials. The ushers, of +course, are an hour late, which gives the bridegroom (Bap.) an +opportunity to meet the minister (Epis.) and have a nice, long +chat about religion, while the best man (Atheist) talks to the +eighty-three year old sexton who buried the bride's grandpa and +grandma and has knowed little Miss Dorothy come twenty years next +Michaelmas. The best man's offer of twenty-five dollars, if the +sexton will at once bury the maid of honor, is generally refused +as a matter of courtesy. + + +THE BRIDAL DINNER + +In the evening, the parents of the bride give the bridal dinner, +to which all the relatives and close friends of the family are +invited. Toasts are drunk in orange juice and rare old Virginia +Dare wine, and much good-natured fun is indulged in by all. +Speeches are usually made by the bride and groom, their parents, +the best man, the maid of honor, the minister and Aunt Harriet. + +Just a word about the speeches at a bridal dinner. Terrible! + + +A CHURCH WEDDING + +On the day of the wedding the ushers should arrange to be at the +church an hour or so in advance of the time set for the ceremony. +They should be dressed in cutaways, with ties, gloves and +gardenias provided by the groom. + +It is the duty of the best man to dress the bridegroom for the +wedding. As you enter his room you see, lying half-dressed on the +bed, a pale, wan, emaciated creature, who is staring fixedly at +the ceiling. It is the happy bridegroom. His lips open. He speaks +feebly. "What time is it?" he says. You reply, "Two-thirty, old +man. Time to start getting dressed." "Oh, my God!" says the +groom. Ten minutes pass. "What time is it?" says the groom. +"Twenty of three," you reply. "Here's your shirt." "Oh, my God!" +says the groom. + +He takes the shirt and tries to put it on. You help him. "Better +have a little Scotch, old man," you say. "What time is it?" he +replies. "Five of three," you say. "Oh, my God!" says the groom. + +At three-thirty you and he are dressed in cutaways and promptly +at three-forty-two you arrive at the church. You are ushered into +a little side room where it is your duty to sit with the corpse +for the few brief hours which elapse between three-forty-five and +four o'clock. Occasionally he stirs and a faint spark of life +seems to struggle in his sunken eyes. His lips move feebly. You +bend over to catch his dying words. "Have--you--got --the ring?" +he whispers. "Yes," you reply. "Everything's fine. You look +great, too, old man." The sound of the organ reaches your ears. +The groom groans. "Have you got the ring?" he says. + +Meanwhile the ushers have been performing their duty of showing +the invited guests to the various pews. A correctly trained usher +will always have ready some cheery word or sprightly bit of +conversation to make the guests feel perfectly at home as he +conducts them to their seats. "It's a nice day, isn't it?" is +suggested as a perfectly safe and yet not too unusual topic of +conversation. This can be varied by remarking, "Isn't it a nice +day?" or in some cases, where you do not wish to appear too +forward, "Is it a nice day, or isn't it?" An usher should also +remember that although he has on a cutaway, he is neither a +floor-walker nor a bond salesman, and remarks such as "Something +in a dotted Swiss?" or "Third aisle over--second pew--next the +ribbon goods," are decidedly non au fait. + +The first two pews on each side of the center aisle are always +reserved for members of the immediate family, but it is a firmly +established custom that the ushers shall seat in these "family +pews" at least three people with whom the family are barely on +speaking terms. This slight error always causes Aunt Nellie and +Uncle Fred to sit up in the gallery with the family cook. + +With the arrival of the bride, the signal is given to the +organist to start the wedding march, usually either Mendelssohn's +or Wagner's. About this time the mother of the bride generally +discovers that the third candle from the left on the rear altar +has not been lighted, which causes a delay of some fifteen +minutes during which time the organist improvises one hundred and +seventy-three variations on the opening strains of the march. + +Finally all is adjusted and the procession starts down the aisle +led by the ushers swaying slowly side by side. It is always +customary for three or four of the eight ushers to have +absolutely no conception of time or rhythm, which adds a quaint +touch of uncertainty and often a little humor to the performance. + +After the Scotch mist left by the passing ushers has cleared, +there come the bridesmaids, the maid of honor, and then, leaning +on her father's arm (unless, of course, her father is dead), the +bride. + +In the meantime, the bridegroom has been carried in by the best +man and awaits the procession at the foot of the aisle, which is +usually four hundred and forty yards long. The ushers and +bridesmaids step awkwardly to one side; the groom advances and a +hush falls over the congregation which is the signal for the +bride's little niece to ask loudly, "What's that funny looking +man going to do, Aunt Dotty?" + +Then follows the religious ceremony. + +Immediately after the church service, a reception is held at the +bride's home, where refreshments are served and two hundred and +forty-two invited guests make the same joke about kissing the +bride. At the reception it is customary for the ushers and the +best man to crawl off in separate corners and die. + +The wedding "festivities" are generally concluded with the +disappearance of the bride, the bridegroom, one of the uninvited +guests and four of the most valuable presents. + + +{illustration caption = +The man of culture and refinement, while always considerate to +those beneath him in station, never, under any circumstances, +loses control of his emotions for an instant. Though the +gentleman-rider in the picture may be touchingly fond of his +steeplechase horse, it is unpardonably bad form for him to make +an exhibition of his affection while going over the brush in +plain view of numbers of total strangers. In doing so he simply +is making a "guy" of himself, and it is no more than he deserves +if those in the gallery raise their eyebrows at each other and +smile knowingly.} + + +{illustration caption = +The Romans had a proverb, "Litera scripta manet," which means +"The written letter remains." The subtle wisdom of these words +was no doubt well known to the men of the later Paleolithic Age +before them, but evidently the gentleman in the engraving never +heard of it. If he had kept this simple little rule of social +correspondence in mind he would have avoided the painful +experience of hearing his obsolete emotions exposed to the eager +ears of twelve perfect strangers. It is customary nowadays for +unmarried elder sons of our most aristocratic families to express +their appreciation of the qualities of fascinating bachelor girls +over the sensible, though plebeian, telephone.} + + + +CHAPTER THREE: THE ETIQUETTE OF TRAVEL + +The etiquette of travel, like that of courtship and marriage, has +undergone several important changes with the advent of +"democracy" and the "mechanical age." Time was when travel was +indulged in only by the better classes of society and the rules +of travellers' etiquette were well defined and acknowledged by +all. But Yankee ingenuity has indeed brought the "mountain to +Mahomet"; the "iron horse" and the "Pullman coach" have, I +believe, come to stay, bringing with them many new customs and +manners for the well-bred gentleman or lady who would travel +correctly. Truly, the "old order changeth" and it is, perhaps, +only proper that one should keep (if you will pardon the use of +the word), "abreast" of the times. + + +HINTS FOR THE CORRECT PEDESTRIAN + +Let us suppose, for example, that you are a young gentleman of +established social position in one of the many cities of our +great middle west, and it is your desire to travel from your home +to New York City for the purpose of viewing the many attractions +of that metropolis of which I need perhaps only mention the +Aquarium or Grant's Tomb or the Eden Musee. Now there are many +ways of getting to New York, such as (a) on foot, (b) via "rail"; +it should be your first duty to select one of these methods of +transportation. Walking to New York ("a" above) is often rejected +because of the time and effort involved and it is undoubtedly +true that if one attempted to journey afoot from the middle west +one would probably be quite fatigued at the end of one's journey. +The etiquette of walking, however, is the same for short as for +long distances, and I shall at this point give a few of the many +rules for correct behavior among pedestrians. + +In the first place, it is always customary in a city for a young +lady, either accompanied or unaccompanied, to walk on the +sidewalk. A young "miss" who persists in walking in the gutters +is more apt to lose than to make friends among the socially +"worth while." + +Gentlemen, either with or without ladies, are never seen walking +after dark in the sewers or along the elevated, tracks. + +It is not au fait for gentlemen or ladies wearing evening dress +to "catch on behind" passing ice wagons, trucks, etc.; the time +and energy saved are doubtfully repaid should one happen to be +driven thus past other members of one's particular social "set." + +Ladies walking alone on the street after dark do not speak to +gentlemen unless they have been previously introduced or are out +of work with winter coming on. + +A gentleman walking alone at night, when accosted by a young +woman whom he has not met socially, removes his hat politely, +bows and passes on, unless she looks awfully good. + +Debutantes meeting traffic policemen always bow first in America; +in the Continental countries, with their age-old flavor of +aristocratic court life, this custom is reversed. + +A bachelor, accompanied by a young unmarried woman, when stepping +accidentally into an open coal or sewer hole in the sidewalk, +removes his hat and gloves as inconspicuously as possible. + +It is never correct for young people of either "sex" to push +older ladies in front of swiftly approaching motor vehicles or +street cars. + +A young man, if run over by an automobile driven by a strange +lady, should lie perfectly still (unless dead) until an +introduction can be arranged; the person driving the car usually +speaks first. + +An unmarried woman, if run into and knocked down by a taxicab +driven by someone in her own "set," usually says "Why the hell +don't you look where you're going?" to which the taxi driver, +removing his hat, replies "Why the hell don't YOU?" + +A correct costume for gentlemen walking in the parks or streets +of a city, either before or after dark, consists of shoes (2), +socks (2), undergarments, trousers, shirt, necktie, collar, vest, +coat and hat. For pedestrians of the "opposite" sex the costume +is practically the same with the exception of the socks, +trousers, shirt, necktie, collar, vest and coat. However, many +women now affect "knickerbockers" and vice versa. + +A young lady of good breeding, when walking alone, should not +talk or laugh in a loud boisterous manner. "Capers" (e. g. +climbing trees, etc.), while good exercise and undoubtedly +fashionable in certain "speedy" circles, are of questionable +taste for ladies, especially if indulged in to excess or while +walking with young gentlemen on the Sabbath. Sport is sport, and +no one loves a stiff game of "fives" or "rounders" more than I, +but the spectacle of a young unmarried lady and her escort +hanging by their limbs on the Lord's Day from the second or third +cross arm of an electric telegraph pole is certainly carrying +things a bit too far, in my opinion, even in this age of "golf" +and lawn "tennis." + +A young gentleman escorting a young lady on foot to a formal ball +or the opera should walk on the outside, especially if they are +both in evening dress and have a long distance to go. It is never +incorrect to suggest the use of a street car, or as one gets near +the Opera House, a carriage or a "taxicab." + +A young man walking with a young lady, when accosted by a beggar, +always gives the beggar something unless the young lady is his +wife or his sister. + +So much for pedestrians. I can not, of course, pretend to give +here all the rules for those who "go afoot" and I can only say +that the safest principle for correct behavior in this, as in +many social matters, is the now famous reply Thomas Edison once +made to the stranger who asked him with what he mixed his paints +in order to get such marvellous effects. "One part inspiration," +replied the great inventor, "and NINE parts perspiration." In +other words, etiquette is not so much a matter of "genius" as of +steady application to small details. + + +TRAVELLING BY RAIL + +In America much of the travelling is done by "rail." The +etiquette of railroad behavior is extremely complicated, +especially if one is forced to spend the night en route (on the +way) and many and ludicrous are the mistakes made by those whose +social training has apparently fitted them more for a freight car +than for an up-to-date "parlor" or "Pullman" coach. + + +GOOD FORM ON A STREET CAR + +Let us, first of all, however, take up some of the simpler forms +of rail transportation, such as, for example, the electric street +or "tram" car now to be seen on the main highways and byways of +all our larger cities. The rules governing behavior on these +vehicles often appear at first quite complicated, but when one +has learned the "ropes," as they say in the Navy, one should have +no difficulty. + +An elderly lady with a closed umbrella, for example, desiring to +take a street car, should always stand directly under a large +sign marked "Street Cars Do Not Stop On This Corner." As the car +approaches she should run quickly out to the car tracks and +signal violently to the motorman with the umbrella. As the car +whizzes past without stopping she should cease signalling, remark +"Well I'll be God damned!" and return to the curbstone. After +this performance has been repeated with three successive cars she +should then walk slowly out and lie down, in a dignified manner, +across the car tracks. In nine cases out of ten the motorman of +the next "tram" will see her lying there and will be gentleman +enough to stop his car. + +When this happens the elderly lady should get quietly up from the +street and stand outside the door marked "Exit Only" until the +motorman opens it for her. She should then enter with the remark, +"I signalled to three cars and not one of them stopped," to which +the motorman will reply, "But, lady, that sign there says they +don't stop on this corner." The lady should then say "What's your +number--I'm going to report you." + +After taking his number she should enter the car. At the opposite +end of the vehicle there will undoubtedly be three or four vacant +seats; instead of taking one of these she should stand up in +front of some young man and glare at him until he gets up and +gives her his place. + +It is not customary in American cities for ladies to thank +gentlemen who provide them with seats. + +After a few minutes she should turn to the man at her right and +ask "Does this car go to Madison Heights?" He will answer "No." +She should then turn to the man on her left and ask "Does this +car go to Madison Heights?" He will answer "No." Her next +question--"Does this car go to Madison Heights?"--should be +addressed to a man across the aisle, and the answer will be "No." +She should then listen attentively while the conductor calls out +the names of the streets and as he shouts "Blawmnoo!" she should +ask the man at her right "Did he say Madison Heights?" He will +reply "No." At the next street the conductor will shout +"Blawmnoo!" at which she should ask "Did he say Madison Heights?" +Once more the answer will be in the negative. The car will +proceed, the conductor will now call "Blawmnoo!" and as the +elderly lady once more says "Did he say Madison Heights?" the man +at her left, the man at her right, the man across the aisle and +eight other male passengers will shout "YES!" + +It is then correct for her to pickup her umbrella and, carefully +waiting until the conductor has pulled the "go ahead" signal, she +should cry "Wait a minute, conductor--I want to get off here." +The car will then be stopped and she should say "Is this Madison +Heights?" to which the conductor will reply "This ain't the +Madison Heights car, lady." She should then say "But you called +out Madison Heights," to which he will answer "No, lady--that's +eight miles in the opposite direction." She should then leave the +street car, not forgetting, however, to take the conductor's +number again. + +The above hints for "tram" car etiquette apply, of course, only +to elderly ladies. For young men and women the procedure would be +in many cases quite different. A young married woman, for +example, on entering a street car, should always have her ticket +or small "change" so securely buried in the fourth inside +pocketbook of her handbag that she cannot possibly find it inside +of twelve minutes. Three or more middle-aged ladies, riding +together, should never decide as to who is to pay the fare until +the conductor has gone stark raving mad. + + +{illustration caption = +Her conduct has stamped the young lady as a provincial and it is +not to be wondered at if suppressed titters and half audible +chuckles follow her about the room. PERFECT BEHAVIOR would have +taught her that it is not the prerogative of a muddy-complexioned +dud--even if she has had only one dance and her costume is very +expensive--to cut in on a gentleman (by grabbing his neck or any +other method) when he is dancing with the wide-eyed beauty from +the South who leaves in five minutes to catch a train. He will be +within his rights when, at the end of five minutes, after three +unsuccessful attempts to loosen her grip, he will carry her into +the garden under false pretences and there play the hose on her +until she drowns. + + +{illustration caption = +They are leaving the home of an intimate friend of several weeks' +standing, after having witnessed a Private Theatrical. Both feel +that some return should be made for their hostess's kindness but +neither is certain as to just what form the return should take. +The Book of PERFECT BEHAVIOR would have pointed out to them that +the only adequate and satisfactory revenge for this sort of thing +is to invite the lady, as soon as possible without exciting her +suspicion, to attend an Italian opera or a drawing-room musicale. + + + +IN THE SUBWAY + +The rules governing correct behavior in the underground "subway" +systems of our great cities (particularly the New York subways) +are, however, much more simple and elemental than the etiquette +for surface cars. In the subway, for example, if you are a +married man and living with your wife, or head of a family, i. +e., a person who actually supports one or more persons living in +(or under) his (or her) household on the last day of the +preceding calendar year, provided that such person or persons +shall not on or before July 1 or if July 1 shall fall on a Sunday +then on the day nearest preceding July 1, himself (or themselves) +have filed a separate report as provided in paragraph (g), you +should precede a lady when entering, and follow a lady when +leaving, the train. + + +A HONEYMOON IN A SUBWAY + +On the other hand, a wedding or a "honeymoon" trip in a subway +brings up certain problems of etiquette which are entirely +different from the above. Let us suppose, for example, that the +wedding takes place at high noon in exclusive old "Trinity" +church, New York. The nearest subway is of course the +"Interborough" (West Side) and immediately after the ceremony the +lucky couple can run poste haste to the "Battery" and board a +Lenox Ave. Local. Arriving at romantic Chambers St. they should +change at once to a Bronx Park Express which will speedily whizz +them past 18th St., 23rd St. and 28th St. to the Pennsylvania +Station where they can again transfer, this time to a Broadway +Local. In a jiffy and two winks of an eye they will be at Times +Square, the heart of the "Great White Way" (that Mecca of +pleasure seekers and excitement lovers) where they can either +change to a Broadway Express, journeying under Broadway to +historic Columbia University and Harlem, or they can take the +busy little "shuttle" which will hurry them over to the Grand +Central Station. There they can board the aristocratic East Side +Subway, either "up" or "down" town. The trip "up town" (Lexington +Ave. Express) passes under some of the better class residential +districts, but the journey in the other direction is perhaps more +interesting, including as it does such stops as 14th St., +Brooklyn Bridge, Fulton Street, Wall Street (the financial +center) etc., not to mention a delightful passage under the East +River to Brooklyn, the city of homes and churches. Thus without +getting out of their seats the happy pair can be transported from +one fascinating end of the great city to the other and when they +have exhausted the possibilities of a honeymoon in the +Interborough they can change, with the additional cost of only a +few cents apiece, to the B. R. T. or the Hudson Tubes which will +gladly carry them to a thousand new and interesting places--a +veritable Aladdin's lamp on rails. + + +TRAVELLING UNDER STEAM + +And now we come to that most complex form of travel--the railroad +journey. Let us suppose that instead of attempting to walk to New +York you have elected to go on the "train." On the day of your +departure you should carefully pack your bag or suitcase, taking +care to strap and lock it securely. You can then immediately +unstrap and unlock it in order to put in the tooth paste and +shaving brush which you forgot to bring from the bathroom. + +Arriving at the station promptly on the time scheduled for the +train to depart you will find that because of "daylight saving +time" you have exactly an hour to wait. The time, however, can be +amusingly and economically spent in the station as follows: 11 +weighing machines @.01 = .11; 3 weighing machines @ .05 = .15; 1 +weighing machine (out of order) .09; 17 slot machines (chocolate +and gum) @ .01 = .17. Total cost--.50, unless, of course, you eat +the chocolate. + +Upon the arrival of the train you consult your ticket to find +that you have "lower 9" in car 43. Walking back to the end of the +train and entering car 43 you will find, in berth number 9, a +tired woman and two small children. You will also find a hat box, +a bird cage, a bag of oranges, a bag of orange peelings, a +shoe-box of lunch, a rag doll, a toy balloon, half a "cookie" and +8,000,000 crumbs. The tired woman will then say to you "Are you +the gentleman who has the lower berth?" to which you answer +"Yes." She will then say "Well say--we've got the upper--and I +wonder if you would mind--" "Not at, all," you reply, "I should +be only too glad to give you my lower." This is always done. + +After you have seated yourself and the train has started the +lady's little boy will announce, "I want a drink, Mama." After he +has repeated this eleven times his mother will say to you "I +wonder if you would mind holding the baby while I take Elmer to +get a drink?" + +The etiquette of holding babies is somewhat difficult for +bachelors to master at first as there are no hard and fast rules +governing conduct under these circumstances. An easy "hold" for +beginners and one which is difficult for the ordinary baby to +break consists in wrapping the left and right arms firmly around +the center of the child, at the same time clutching the clothing +with the right hand and the toes with the left and praying to God +that the damn thing won't drop. + +In this particular case, after Elmer and his mother have gone +down the aisle after a drink, the baby which you are holding will +at once begin to cry. Now as every mother knows, and especially +those mothers who have had children, a baby does not cry without +some specific reason and all that is necessary in the present +instance is to discover this reason. First of all, the child may +be merely hungry, in which case you should at once ask the porter +to bring you the a la carte menu. You should then carefully go +over the list of dishes with the infant, taking care to spell out +and explain such names as he may not understand. "How would you +like some nice assorted hors d'oeuvres?" you say. "Waaaaa!" says +the baby. "No hors d'oeuvres," you say to the waiter. "Some blue +points, perhaps--you know, o-y-s-t-e-r-s?" You might even act out +a blue point or two, as in charades, so that the child will +understand what you mean. In case, however, the baby does not +cease crying after having eaten the first three or four courses, +you should not insist on a salad and a dessert, for probably it +is not hunger which is occasioning the outcry. Perhaps it is a +pin, in which case you should at once bend every effort to the +discovery and removal of the irritant. The most generally +accepted modern way of effecting this consists in passing a large +electro-magnet over every portion of the child's anatomy and the +pin (if pin there be) will of course at once come to light. Then, +too, many small children cry merely because they have swallowed +something which does not agree with them, such as, for example, a +gold tooth or a shoe horn; the remedy in this case consists in +IMMEDIATELY feeding the child the proper counter irritant. There +is, really, no great mystery about the successful raising of +children and with a few common sense principles, such as +presented above, any mother may relieve herself of a great deal +of useless anxiety. I hope I may be pardoned for a digression +here, but I feel very strongly that "today's babies are +tomorrow's citizens" and I do want to see them brought up in the +proper way. + +But to return to our train. Perhaps by this time the mother and +Elmer will have returned and you will be relieved of further +investigation as to the cause of the infant's discomfort. A few +minutes later, however, little Elmer will say "Mama, I want the +window open." This request will be duly referred to you via the +line of authority. It is then your duty to assume a firm upright +stance, with the weight evenly distributed on both feet, and work +for twelve minutes and thirty-nine seconds in a terrific struggle +to raise the windows. At the end of twelve minutes and forty +seconds you will succeed, the window will slowly go up, and the +train will at once enter a tunnel, filling the car and you with +coal smoke. In the resulting darkness and confusion you should +seize little Elmer, throw him quickly out of the open window and +make your escape to the gentlemen's smoking compartment in the +rear of your car. + +In the "smoker" you will find three men. The first of these will +be saying "and he told me that a bootlegger he knew had cleaned +up a thousand dollars a week since January." The second will say +"Well down where I come from there's men who never took a drink +before prohibition who get drunk all the time now." The third +will say "Well, I tell you, men--the saloon had to go." + +Provision for satisfying the "inner man" is now a regular part of +the equipment of all modern trains, and about 6:30 or 7 you +should leave your companions in the "smoker" and walk through the +train until you reach the "diner." Here you will seat yourself at +a table with three other gentlemen, the first of whom will be +remarking, as you sit down, "and I know for a fact that this +bootlegger is making over fifty thousand dollars a year." + + +A CORRECT NIGHT IN A PULLMAN + +Before the days of modern railroads one could not very well +travel over night but now, thanks to Mr. Pullman, it is possible +for the traveller to go to bed en route and be every bit as snug +and comfortable as the proverbial insect in a rug. Shortly after +dinner the porter will "make up"the berths in the car and when +you desire to retire for the night you should ask him to bring +you the ladder in order that you may ascend to upper 9. While you +are waiting you should stand in the aisle and remove your coat, +vest and shoes, and then begin to search for your suitcase which +you will finally locate by crawling on your chin and stomach +under berth number 11. When you again resume an upright position +the train will give a sudden lurch, precipitating you into berth +number 12. A woman's voice will then say "Alice?" to which you +should of course answer "No" and climb quickly up the ladder into +your proper berth. + +A great deal of "to do" is often made of the difficulty involved +in undressing in an upper berth but most of this is quite +uncalled for. Experienced travellers now generally wait until the +lights of the car have been dimmed or extinguished when the +disrobing can be done quite simply in five counts, as follows: +One--unloosen all clothing and lie flat on the back. The +respiration should be natural, easy and through the lungs. The +muscles should be relaxed; Two--pivoting on the back of the head +and neck, inhale quickly, at the same time drawing the muscles of +the legs and arms sharply under the body, as for a spring; +Three--spring suddenly upward and to the right (or left), +catching the bell cord (which extends along the roof of the +train) with the teeth, hands and feet; Four--holding firmly to +the cord with the knees, describe a sudden arc downward with the +head and body, returning to position as soon as the shirt and +undershirt have dropped off into the aisle; Five --taking a firm +hold on the cord with the teeth, let go sharply with the knees. +The trousers, etc., should at once slide off, and you can (and, +in fact, should) then swing yourself quickly back into your berth +and pajamas. + +Once inside your "bunk" you should drift quickly off to +slumberland, and when you wake up it will be five minutes later +and the ---- ----engineer will be trying to see what he can do +with an air brake and a few steel sleeping cars. + +In the morning you will be in New York. + + + +CHAPTER FOUR: AT THE CONCERT AND THE OPERA + +In order to listen to music intelligently--or what is really much +more important--in order to give the appearance of listening to +music intelligently, it is necessary for the novice to master +thoroughly two fundamental facts. + +The first, and most important of these, is that the letter "w" in +Russian is pronounced like "v"; the second, that Rachmaninoff has +a daughter at Vassar. + +Not very difficult, surely--but it is remarkable how much +enjoyment one can get out of music by the simple use of these two +formulas. With a little practise in their use, the veriest tyro +can bewilder her escort even though she be herself so musically +uninformed as to think that the celeste is only used in +connection with Aida, or that a minor triad is perhaps a young +wood nymph. + +One other important fundamental is that enthusiasm should never +be expressed for any music written after 1870; by a careful +observance of this rule one will constantly experience that +delightful satisfaction which comes with finding one's opinions +shared by the music critics in the daily press. + + +{illustration caption = +The young lady in the picture has just laid out a perfect drive. +She had, unfortunately, neglected to wait until the gentleman +playing ahead of her had progressed more than fifteen yards down +the fairway, and her ball, traveling at a velocity of 1675 f.s., +has caught the gentleman squarely in the half-pint bottle. What +mistake, if any, is the gentleman making in chasing her off the +course with his niblick, if we assume that she called "Fore!" +when the ball had attained to within three feet of the +gentleman?} + +{illustration caption = +You will exclaim, no doubt, on looking at the scene depicted +above, "Cherchez la femme." It is, however, nothing so serious as +you will pardonably suppose. The gentleman is merely an +inexperienced "gun" at a shooting-party, who has begun following +his bird before it has risen above the head of his loader. This +very clumsy violation of the etiquette of sport proves, beyond +the shadow of a doubt, that he has learned to shoot from the +comic papers, and that his coat-of-arms can never again be looked +upon as anything but bogus.} + + +LISTENING TO A SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA + +The first thing to do on arriving at a symphony concert is to +express the wish that the orchestra will play Beethoven's Fifth. +If your companion then says "Fifth what?" you are safe with him +for the rest of the evening; no metal can touch you. If, however, +he says "So do I"--this is a danger signal and he may require +careful handling. + +The next step is a glance at the program. If your escort is quite +good looking and worth cultivating, the obvious remark is "Oh +dear--not a very interesting program, to-night. But George--LOOK +at what they are playing next Thursday! My, I wish--." If George +shies at this, it can be tried again later--say during an +"appassionato" passage for the violins and cellos. + +As soon as the music starts, all your attention should be +directed toward discovering someone who is making a +noise--whispering or coughing; having once located such a +creature, you should immediately "sh-sh" him. Should he continue +the offence, a severe frown must accompany the next "sh-sh," a +lorgnette --if available--adding great effectiveness to the +rebuke. This will win you the gratitude of your neighbors and +serve to establish your position socially, as well as +musically--for perfect "sh-shers" do not come from the lower +classes. + +At the conclusion of the first number the proper remark is +"hmmm," accompanied by a slow shake of the head. After this you +may use any one of a number of remarks, as for example, "Well, I +suppose Mendelssohn appeals to a great many people," or "That was +meaningless enough to have been written by a Russian." This +latter is to be preferred, for it leads your companion to say, +"But don't you like TschaiKOWsky?", pronouncing the second +syllable as if the composer were a female bull. You can then +reply, "Why, yes, TschaiKOFFsky DID write some rather good +music--although it's all neurotic and obviously Teutonic." Don't +fail to stress the "v." + +The next number on the program will probably be the soloist--say, +a coloratura soprano. Your first remark should be that you don't +really care for the human voice--the reason being, of course, +that symphonic Music, ABSOLUTE music, has spoiled you for things +like vocal gymnastics. This leads your bewildered friend to ask +you what sort of soloist you prefer. + +Ans.--Why, a piano concerto, of course. + +Ques.--And who is your favorite pianist? + +Ans.--Rachmaninoff. And then, before the boy has time to breathe +--SHOOT! "Did you knoow that he has a daughter at Vassar?" + +Although not necessary, it might be well to finish off the poor +fellow at the end of the concert with one or two well placed +depth bombs. My own particular favorite for this is the +following, accompanied by a low sigh: "After all--Beethoven IS +Beethoven." + + +CORRECT BEHAVIOR AT A PIANO RECITAL + +The same procedure is recommended for the piano or violin +recital, with the possible addition of certain phrases such as +"Yes --of course, she has technique--but, my dear, so has an +electric piano." This remark gives you a splendid opportunity for +sarcasm at the expense of Mr. Duo-Art and other manufacturers of +mere mechanical perfection; the word "soul"--pronounced with deep +feeling, as when repeating a fish order to a stupid waiter--may +be introduced effectively several times. + +The program at these recitals is likely to be more complex than +that at a symphony concert. This is a distinct advantage, for it +gives you a splendid opportunity to catch some wretch applauding +before the music is really finished. Nothing is quite comparable +to the satisfaction of smiling knowingly at your neighbors when +this faux pas is committed, unless it be the joy of being the +first to applaud at the REAL conclusion. This latter course, +however, is fraught with danger for the beginner; the chances for +errors in judgment are many, and the only sure way to avoid +anachronistic applause is to play the safe game and refrain +altogether from any expression of approval--a procedure which is +heartily recommended for the musically ignorant, it being also +the practise among the majority of the critics. + + +IN A BOX AT THE OPERA + +The opera differs from the symphony concert, or piano recital, in +the same way that the army drill command of "At Ease!" differs +from "Rest!" When one of these orders (I never could remember +which is given to a battalion in formation, it signifies that +talking is permitted; opera, of course, corresponds to that +command. + +Before the invention of the phonograph it was often necessary for +the opera goer to pay some attention to the performance--at least +while certain favorite arias were being sung; this handicap to +the enjoyment of opera has now fortunately been overcome and one +can devote one's entire attention to other more important things, +safe in one's knowledge that one has Galli-Curci at home on the +Vic. + +In order really to get the most out of an opera a great deal of +study and preparation is required in advance; I have not space at +this time to cover these preliminaries thoroughly, but would +recommend to the earnest student such supplemental information as +can be obtained from Lady Duff-Gordon, or Messrs. Tiffany, Tecla +and Pinaud. + +Upon entering one's box the true opera lover at once assumes a +musical attitude; this should be practised at home, by my lady, +before a mirror until she is absolutely sure that the shoulders +and back can be seen from any part of the house. Then, with the +aid of a pair of strong opera glasses, she may proceed to +scrutinize carefully the occupants of the boxes--noting carefully +any irregular features. Technical phraseology, useful in this +connection, includes "unearthly creature," "stray leopard" or, +simply, "that person." + +Your two magical formulas--the Russian "w" and the sad story +about Rachmaninoff's daughter--may, of course, be held in +reserve--but the chances are that you will be unable to use them, +for during an evening at the opera there will probably be no +mention of music. + + + + +CHAPTER FIVE: ETIQUETTE FOR DRY AGENTS + +SOME BROADER ASPECTS OF PROHIBITION + +In spite of the great pride and joy which we Americans feel over +the success of National Prohibition; in spite of the universal +popularity of the act and the method of its enforcement; in spite +of the fact that it is now almost impossible to obtain in any of +our ex-saloons anything in the least resembling whiskey or +gin,--there still remains the distressing suspicion that quite +possibly, at some of the dinner parties and dances of our more +socially prominent people, liquor--or its equivalent--is openly +being served. Dry agents have, of course, tried on several +occasions to verify this suspicion; their praiseworthy efforts +have met, for the most part, with scant success. + +The main difficulty has been, I believe, that the average dry +agent is too little versed in the customs and manners of polite +society. It is lamentably true that, too often, has a carefully +planned society dry raid been spoiled because the host noticed +that one of his guests was wearing white socks with a black tie, +or that the intruder was using his dessert spoon on the hors +d'oeuvres. + +The solution of this difficulty lies, of course, in the gradual +procuring of a better class of dry agent. There are signs +(though, unfortunately, in the wrong direction) that some of our +younger college generation are already casting envious eyes +toward the rich rewards, the social opportunities and the +exciting life of the professional bootlegger. + +It might be well to interest some of these promising youngsters +in the no less exciting occupation of National Prohibition +Enforcement Officer. At present the chief difficulty seems to lie +in the fact that, in our preparatory schools and colleges, a +young man acquires a certain code of honor which causes him to +look with distaste on what he calls pussyfooting and sneaking. + +People too often forget that, in order to make effective such a +universally beneficent law, any means are justified. It will be, +I hope, only a matter of years before this distrust of the +"sneak" will have died out, and the Dry Agent will come to be +regarded with the reverence and respect due to one who devotes +his life to the altruistic investigation of his neighbor's +affairs. + + +THE COLLEGE GRADUATE AS DRY AGENT + +Then, too, many young college men are deterred from becoming Dry +Agents by thinking of the comparative scantiness of the monetary +rewards. This difficulty is only an imaginary one--for, luckily, +as soon as a man's code of honor has been elevated to the extent +that it permits him to take up a career of pussy-footing there is +generally eliminated at the same time any objection he might have +to what is often called bribery. Thus, by a fortunate combination +of circumstances, a Dry Agent is enabled to serve mankind and, at +the same time, greatly increase his own personal fortune. + +But we cannot wait until our college graduates come to regard +pussyfooting as a career. We must do what we can with the +material at our disposal. We must in some way educate our present +Dry Agents so that they can go to any function in polite society +and remain as inconspicuous and as completely disregarded as the +host. As a first step in such a social training I offer the +following suggestions, in the hope that before long no function +will be complete without the presence of four or five correctly +dressed National Prohibition Enforcement Officers, ready and +eager to arrest the host and hostess and all the guests on the +slightest provocation. + + +PLANNING A DRY RAID ON A MASQUERADE BALL + +Let us suppose, for example, that you are a Dry Agent and that +your name is Isador Eisenberg, and, one day, you and your chief +are sitting around the Dry Agent's Club and he says to you, +"Izzy--I see by the paper that there's a swell society masquerade +ball to be given by the younger married set tomorrow night at the +Glen Cove Country Club. Take your squad to cover it." At this +point you doubtless say, "Chief, I'm afraid I can't use my squad. +My men have been disguised as trained seals all this week, and +tomorrow night, they are to raid all the actresses' dressing +rooms at the Hippodrome" and then the Chief says, "Well, Izzy, +you'll have to rent a costume and pull off the raid all by +yourself." + + +A WORD ABOUT CORRECT COSTUMES + +Your first concern should be, of course, your costume. If you +have a high voice (although really there is no reason for +supposing that all Dry Agents have high voices), you might well +attend the masquerade disguised as a lady. One of the neatest +and, on the whole, most satisfactory of ladies' disguises is that +of Cleopatra. Cleopatra, as you know, was once Queen of Egypt and +the costume is quite simple and attractive. It may be, however, +that you would prefer to appear as a modern) rather than an +ancient queen. A modern Queen (if one may judge from the +illustrated foreign periodicals) always wears a plain suit and +carries a tightly rolled umbrella. Should you care to attend the +masquerade as an allegorical figure--say "2000 Years of +Progress"--you might wear the Cleopatra costume and carry the +umbrella. Or you might go attired as some other less prominent +member of the nobility--for instance, Lady Dartmouth, whose +delightful costume is more or less featured in the advertising on +our better class subways and street cars, and can be obtained at +a comparatively small cost at any reliable dry goods store. + +Should you, however, feel that you would be more at ease in a +male costume, there are several suggestions which might cleverly +conceal your real identity. You might, for example, attend the +ball as Jurgen--a costume which would assure you a pleasurable +evening and many pleasing acquaintances. You might, with equal +satisfaction, go as an Indian. + +It occurs to me that it might even be a clever move to attend the +party dressed as a Dry Agent. All suspicion would be instantly +lost in the uproar of laughter which would greet your +announcement of your disguise; many men would probably so far +enter into the spirit of the joke as to offer you drinks from +their flasks, and much valuable evidence could be obtained in +this way. And the costume is quite easy--simply wear a pleated +soft-bosom dress shirt with your evening dress, and tuck the ends +of your black tie under your collar. + + +{illustration caption = +Packets of old letters, bits of verse, locks of hair, pressed +flowers, inscribed books, photographs, etc., all make acceptable +wedding gifts. By telling you whether they should be presented to +the Bride or to the Groom PERFECT BEHAVIOR has, we feel, settled +the question of future happiness in many a new-made home.} + +{illustration caption = +You are, let us say, one of the Ushers attending the Bachelor +Dinner. You are handed a bottle of Chateau Lafitte '69. Can you +select, from the diagram above, the proper implement to use in +getting at its contents? The correct methods of choosing and +using table hardware are explained in PERFECT BEHAVIOR.} + +{illustration caption = +The young couple in the picture are trying to word a plausible +letter of regret in answer to an invitation to a house-party. Had +they consulted their PERFECT BEHAVIOR they would have known that +there is no plausible excuse for not accepting any invitation +whatever, and that the simplest and most dignified, method is to +write the attached model letter.} + +{illustration caption = +Not realizing his mistake, the Groom stands waiting for the +Bridal Procession, apparently in high spirits and the best of +health. Such an attitude toward a wedding is in the worst +possible taste. PERFECT BEHAVIOR tells all about the correct +appearance and conduct of Bridegrooms.} + +{illustration caption = +The Best Man has just been introduced to the Maid of Honor. +Instead of waiting for her to extend her hand and make the +acknowledgment, he has turned on his heel and bolted from the +room. This constitutes a social blunder, after the commission of +which he could never again, in polite society, be considered +quite a gentleman. PERFECT BEHAVIOR would have told him how the +man of birth and breeding learns to face anything with perfect +"Sang froid."} + +{illustration caption = +The Groom has just presented his Best Man to his sister, who, +though she is more than eager to make every one feel at home, has +failed to make at once the pun "de rigueur" on the words "best +man." An awkward silence has ensued. What is to be done? Should +one of the gentlemen fill the breach by making the pun for her? +If so, which? PERFECT BEHAVIOR covers the whole subject of making +the "best man" pun authoritatively.} + +{illustration caption = +The young man at the right does not know how to drink. +Nevertheless, he has been selected by a friend to act as Best Man +at his wedding and has attended the Bachelor Dinner. Instead of +doing what he should do under the circumstances, he is making +himself conspicuous by remaining coherent while the others sing +"Mademoiselle from Alabam'." Had the Bridegroom provided himself +with a copy of PERFECT BEHAVIOR he would have known better than +to have selected him.} + + +GOOD FORM FOR DRY AGENTS DURING A RAID + +After the costume, you should arrange to obtain a mask and a +breath. The former is, of course, for the purpose of hiding your +identity; the latter is essential at any party where you wish to +remain inconspicuous. A good whisky breath can usually be +obtained from a bottle of any of the better known brands of +Scotch or Rye whisky by holding a small quantity of the liquor in +the mouth for a short period of time. It is not, of course, +necessary to swallow the liquor and in this connection I would +suggest that you use only the best grade whisky, for there are at +present being manufactured for domestic consumption several +brands which, if held in the mouth for a longer interval than, +say, three seconds, are apt to eat away the tongue or dissolve +several of your more important teeth. + +On the night of the party, therefore, having donned your Dry +Agent costume, having put on your mask, having secured a good +breath--you jump into a taxicab and drive to the Glen Cove +Country Club. And, as you enter the door of the club, some girl, +dressed, probably, as Martha Washington, will run up and kiss +you. This is not because she thinks you are George Washington; it +is because she drank that eighth Bronx cocktail at dinner. + +And right at this point is where most Dry Agents have displayed +their ignorance of the usages of polite society, for most of them +are wofully ignorant of the correct way to handle such a +situation. Your average Dry Agent, not being accustomed to the +ways of Younger Marrieds, is often confused upon being +unexpectedly kissed, and in his confusion betrays his unfortunate +lack of social training. + +The correct way to meet the above situation is based on the +fundamental rule of all social etiquette--common sense. Return +the lady's kiss in an easy, natural manner and pass on. If she +follows you, lead her at once to a quiet unoccupied corner of the +club and knock her over the head with a chair or some other +convenient implement. It has been found that this is the only +effective way to deal with this type of woman and it is really +only a kindness to her and her husband to keep her from +embarrassing you with her attentions during the rest of the +evening. + +After you have removed your coat, you should go to the ball room +where you will find the dance in full swing--full being of course +used in its common or alcoholic sense. Take your place in the +stag line and don't, under any circumstances, allow anyone to +induce you to cut in on any of the dancers. In the first place, +you won't be able to dance because Dry Agents, like Englishmen, +never can; secondly, if you TRY to dance, you are taking the +enormous chance, especially at a masquerade, that the man who +introduced you to your partner will disappear for the rest of the +evening, leaving you with Somebody's Albatross hanging around +your neck. And, of all Albatrosses, the married one is perhaps +farthest South--especially if she happens to be a little tight +and wants to talk about her husband and children. + +Your policy, therefore, should be one of complete +non-partisanship. If you do not dance, do not let yourself be +drawn into conversation, and do not, above all things, show any +consideration for the host or hostess. By closely observing the +actions of the men and women about you, by wandering down into +the club bar, by peeking into the automobiles parked outside the +club, you will probably be able to obtain sufficient evidence of +the presence of alcohol to justify a raid. And then, when you +have raided the Glen Cove Country Club, you can turn your +attention to the 12,635,439 other clubs and private houses where +the same thing is going on. And, if Mr. Volstead has a dress +suit, you might take him with you, and show him just how +beautifully Prohibition is working and how enthusiastic the +better classes of American society are about it. + + + +CHAPTER SIX: A CHAPTER FOR SCHOOLGIRLS + +Every Fall a larger number of young girls leave home to come East +to the various Finishing Schools in this section of the country. +For the benefit of those who are making this trip for the first +time, we outline a few of the more important points in connection +with the preliminaries to the trip East, together with minute +instructions as to the journey itself. + + +SELECTING A PROPER SCHOOL + +This is, of course, mainly a parent's problem and is best solved +by resorting to the following formula: Let A and B represent two +young girls' finishing schools in the East. Mrs. Raleigh-Jones +(X), from the West, sends her daughter to A; Mrs. Borax (Y), from +the same city, sends her daughter to B. Upon consulting the local +social register, it is found that Mr. Raleigh-Jones is a member +of the Union, Colonial, Town and Country, and Valley Hunt Clubs; +upon consulting the telephone directory it is found that the +Boraxes live at 1217 S. Main Street, and that Mr. Borax is an +undertaker. Shall Mrs. F. B. Gerald (Z) send her daughter Annette +to A or to B, and why? + +Answer: A, because life is real, life is earnest, and the grave +is not its goal. + + +CORRECT EQUIPMENT FOR THE SCHOOLGIRL + +Having selected an educational institution, the next requisite is +a suitable equipment. Girls who live in other parts of the United +States are often surprised to discover that the clothes which +they have purchased at the best store in their home town are +totally unsuited for the rough climate of the East. I would, +therefore, recommend the following list, subject, of course, to +variation in individual cases. + +1 Dress, chine, crepe de, pink, for dancing. +1 Dress, chine, crepe de, pink, for petting. +1 Dress, Swiss, Dotted, blue, or +1 Dress, Swiss, undotted, white. +15 yards Tulle, best quality, pink. +4 bottles perfume, domestic, or +1 bottle, perfume, French. +12 Dozen Dorine, men's pocket size. +6 Soles, cami, assorted. +1 Brassiere, or riding habit. +100 boxes aspirin, for dances and house-parties. +1 wave, permanent, for conversation. +24 waves, temporary. +10,000 nets, hair. +100,000 pins, hair. +1 bottle Quelques Fleurs, for knockout. + + +EN ROUTE + +After the purchase of a complete outfit, it will be necessary to +say goodbye to one's local friends. Partings are always somewhat +sad, but it will be found that much simple pleasure may be +derived from the last nights with the various boys to whom one is +engaged. + +In this connection, however, it would be well to avoid making any +rash statements regarding undying friendship and affection, +because, when you next see Eddie or Walter, at Christmas time, +you will have been three months in the East, while they have been +at the State University, and really, after one starts dancing +with Yale men--well, it's a funny world. + +In case you do not happen to meet any friends on the train, the +surest way to protect yourself from any unwelcome advances is to +buy a copy of the Atlantic Monthly and carry it, in plain view. +Next to a hare lip, this is the safest protection for a +travelling young girl that I know of; it has, however, the one +objection that all the old ladies on the train are likely to tell +you what they think of Katherine Fullerton Gerould, or their +rheumatism. + +If you are compelled to go to the dining car alone, you will +probably sit beside an Elk with white socks, who will call the +waiter "George." Along about the second course he will say to +you, "It's warm for September, isn't it?" to which you should +answer "No." That will dispose of the Elk. + +Across the table from you will be a Grand Army man and his wife, +going to visit their boy Elmer's wife's folks in Schenectady. +When the fish is served, the Grand Army man will choke on a bone. +Let him choke, but do not be too hopeful, as the chances are that +he will dislodge the bone. All will go well until the dessert, +when his wife will begin telling how raspberry sherbet always +disagrees with her. Offer her your raspberry sherbet. + +After dinner you may wish to read for a while, but the porter +will probably have made up all the berths for the night. It will +also be found that the light in your berth does not work, so you +will be awake for a long time; finally, just as you are leaving +Buffalo, you will at last get to sleep, and when you open your +eyes again, you will be--in Buffalo. + +There will be two more awakenings that night--once at Batavia, +where a merry wedding party with horns and cow bells will follow +the lucky bride and groom into your car, and once at Schenectady, +where the Pullman car shock-absorbing tests are held. The next +morning, tired but unhappy, you will reach New York. + + +A JOURNEY AROUND NEW YORK + +The Aquarium. Take Fifth Avenue Bus to Times Square. Transfer to +42nd Street Crosstown. Get off at 44th Street, and walk one block +south to the Biltmore. The most interesting fish will be found +underneath the hanging clock, near the telephone booths. + +Grant's Tomb. Take Fifth Avenue bus, and a light lunch. Change at +Washington Square to a blue serge or dotted Swiss. Ride to the +end of the line, and walk three blocks east. Then return the same +way you came, followed by three fast sets of tennis, a light +supper and early to bed. If you do not feel better in the +morning, cut out milk, fresh fruit and uncooked foods for a +while. + +Metropolitan Museum of Art. Take Subway to Brooklyn. (Flatbush.) +Then ask the subway guard where to go; he will tell you. + +The Bronx. Take three oranges, a lemon, three of gin, to one of +vermouth, with a dash of bitters. Serve cold. + +The Ritz. Take taxicab and fifty dollars. If you have only fifty +dollars the filet of sole Marguery is very good. + +Brooklyn Bridge. Terrible. And their auction is worse. + +When you have visited all these places, it will probably be time +to take the train to your school. + + +THE FIRST DAYS IN THE NEW SCHOOL + +The first week of school life is apt to be quite discouraging, +and we can not too emphatically warn the young girl not to do +anything rash under the influence of homesickness. It is in this +initial period that many girls, feeling utterly alone and +friendless, write those letters to boys back home which are later +so difficult to pass off with a laugh. It is during this first +attack of homesickness also that many girls, in their loneliness, +recklessly accept the friendship of other strange girls, only to +find out later that their new acquaintance's mother was a Miss +Gundlefinger of Council Bluffs, or that she lives on the south +side of Chicago. We advise: Go slow at first. + + +BECOMING ACCLIMATIZED + +In your first day at school you will be shown your room; in your +room you will find a sad-eyed fat girl. You will be told that +this will be your room mate for the year. You will find that you +have drawn a blank, that she comes from Topeka, Kan., that her +paw made his money in oil, and that she is religious. You will be +nice to her for the first week, because you aren't taking any +chances at the start; you will tolerate her for the rest of the +year, because she will do your lessons for you every night. + +Across the hall from you there will be two older girls who are +back for their second year. One of them will remind you of the +angel painted on the ceiling of the Victory Theatre back home, +until she starts telling about her summer at Narragansett; from +the other you will learn how to inhale. + + +A VISITOR FROM PRINCETON + +About the middle of the first term your cousin Charley Waldron, +that freshman at Princeton, will write and say that he would like +to come up and see you. You go to Miss French and ask her if you +can have your cousin visit you. She sniffs at the "cousin" and +tell's you that she must have a letter from Charley's father, one +from Charley's minister, one from the governor of your state, and +one from some disinterested party certifying that Charley has +never been in the penitentiary, has never committed arson, and is +a legitimate child. After you have secured these letters, Miss +French will tell you that Charley will be allowed to see you next +Saturday from four till five. + +Charley will come and will be ushered into the reception room. +While he is sitting there alone, the entire school will walk +slowly, one by one, past the open door and look in at him. This +will cause Charley to perspire freely and to wish to God he had +worn his dark suit. + +It is not at all likely that you will be allowed to go to New +Haven during your first year, which is quite a pity, as this +city, founded in 1638, is rich in historical interest. It was +here, for example, in 1893, that Yale defeated Harvard at +football, and the historic Pigskin which was used that day is +still preserved intact. Many other quaint relics are to be seen +in and around the city of elms, mementos of the past which bring +to the younger generation a knowledge and respect for things +gone. In the month of June, for example, there is really nothing +which quite conjures up for the college youth of today a sense of +the mutability and impermanence of this mortal life so much as +the sight of a member of the class of 1875 after three days' +intensive drinking. Eheu fugaces! + + +{illustration caption = +"Who shall write first?" is a question that has perplexed many a +lady or gentleman who is anxious to do the correct thing under +any circumstances. A lady who has left town may send a brief note +or a "P. P. C." ("pour prendre conge," i.e., "to take leave") +card to a gentleman who remains at home, if the gentleman is her +husband and if she has left town with his business partner. +Neither the note nor the card requires an acknowledgment, but +many a husband takes pleasure in penning his congratulations to +the lady, concluding with an expression of gratitude to his +friend.} + + + +CHAPTER SEVEN: THE ETIQUETTE OF GAMES AND SPORTS + +GOLF AS A PASTIME + +"Golf" (from an old Scottish word meaning "golf") is becoming +increasingly popular in the United States, and almost every city +now has at least one private club devoted to the pursuit of this +stylish pastime. Indeed, in many of our larger metropolises, the +popular enthusiasm has reached such heights that free "public" +courses have been provided for the citizens with, I may say, +somewhat laughable results, as witness the fact that I myself +have often seen persons playing on these "public" courses in +ordinary shirts and trousers, tennis shoes, and SUSPENDERS. + +The influence of this "democratization" on the etiquette of what +was once an exclusive sport has been, in many instances, +deplorable, and I am sure that our golf-playing forefathers would +turn over in their graves were they to "play around" today on one +of the "public" courses. In no pastime are the customs and +unwritten laws more clearly defined, and it is essential that the +young lady or gentleman of fashion who contemplates an afternoon +on the "links" devote considerable time and attention to the +various niceties of the etiquette of this ancient and honorable +game. + +A young man, for example, when playing with his employer, should +always take pains to let his employer win. This is sometimes +extremely difficult, but with practice even the most stubborn of +obstacles can be overcome. On the first tee, for instance, after +the employer, having swung and missed the ball completely one or +two times, has managed to drive a distance of some forty-nine +yards to the extreme right, the young man should take care to +miss the ball completely THREE times, and then drive forty-eight +yards to the extreme left. This is generally done by closing the +eyes tightly and rising up sharply on both toes just before +hitting the ball. + +On the "greens" it is customary for a young man to "concede" his +employer every "putt" which is within twenty feet of the hole. If +the employer insists on "putting" [Ed. note:--He won't] and +misses, the young man should take care to miss his own "putt." +After both have "holed out," the young man should ask, "how many +strokes, sir?" The employer will reply, "Let me see--I think I +took seven for this hole, didn't I?" A well-bred young man will +not under any circumstances remind his employer that he saw him +use at least three strokes for the drive, three strokes for his +second shot, four strokes in the "rough," seven strokes in the +"bunker," and three "putts" on the "green," but will at once +reply, "No, sir, I think you only took six, altogether." The +employer will then say, "Well, well, call it six. I generally get +five on this hole. What did you take?" The young man should then +laugh cheerily and reply, "Oh, I took my customary seven." To +which the employer will sympathetically say, "Too bad!" + +After the employer has thus won his first three holes he will +begin to offer the young man advice on how to improve his game. +This is perhaps the most trying part of the afternoon's sport, +but a young man of correct breeding and good taste will always +remember the respect due an older man, and will not make the +vulgar error of telling his employer for God's sake shut up +before he gets a brassie in his ---- ---- ear. + +A wife playing with her husband should do everything in her power +to make the game enjoyable for the latter. She should encourage +him, when possible, with little cheering proverbs, such as, "If +at first you don't succeed, try, try again," and she should aid +him with her advice when she thinks he is in need of it. Thus, +when he drives into the sycamore tree on number eleven, she +should say, "Don't you think, dear, that if you aimed a little +bit more to the right. . . ." et cetera. When they come to number +fourteen, and his second shot lands in the middle of the lake, +she should remark, "Perhaps you didn't hit it hard enough, dear." +And when, on the eighteenth, his approach goes through the +second-story window of the club-house, she should say, "Dear, I +wonder if you didn't hit that too hard?" Such a wife is a true +helpmate, and not merely a pretty ornament on which a silly +husband can hang expensive clothes, and if he is the right sort +of man, he will appreciate this, and refrain from striking her +with a niblick after this last remark. + +A young wife who does not play the game herself can, +nevertheless, be of great help to her husband by listening +patiently, night after night, while he tells her how he drove the +green on number three, and took a four on number eight (Par +five), and came up to the fourteenth one under fours. Caddies +should be treated at all times with the respect and pity due +one's fellow creatures who are "unfortunate." The sins of the +fathers are visited upon the children, and one should always +remember that it is not, after all, the poor caddy's fault that +he was born blind. + + +AN AFTERNOON AT THE OLD FARM WITH THE DICE + +"Craps" is a game played with dice, which is often popular in the +men's coat and smoking-rooms before and during formal receptions, +balls, recitals, etcetera. It should not be imagined, however, +that "craps" is a sport for men only; on the contrary, smart +women are enthusiastically taking up this sport in numerous +localities, and many an affair which started as a dinner party or +a musicale has ended in a crap game, with all the guests seated +in an excited circle on the floor, contributing to the host's +efforts to make expenses for the evening. + +It is in connection with these "mixed" games, however, that most +of the more serious questions of "craps" etiquette arise. If, for +example, you are a young man desirous of "shooting craps" with +your grandmother, the correct way of indicating your desire when +you meet the old lady in a public place is for you to remove your +hat deferentially and say "Shoot a nickel, Grandmother?" If she +wishes to play she will reply "Shoot, boy!" and you should then +select some spot suitable for the game and assist her, if she +wishes your aid, to kneel on the ground. It might be an added +mark of gentility to offer her your handkerchief or coat upon +which to rest her knees. + +You should then take out the dice and "shoot." Your grandmother +will look at your "throw" and say, "Oh, boy! He fives--he +fives--a three and a two--never make a five--come on, you baby +seven!" You should then take up the dice again and shake them in +your right hand while your grandmother chants, "A four and a +three--a four and a two--dicety dice, and an old black joe--come +on, you SEVEN!" You should then again "shoot." This time, as you +have thrown a six and a one, your grandmother will then exclaim, +"He sevens--the boy sevens--come on to grandmother, dice--talk to +the nice old lady--Phoebe for grandma, dice, for grandpa needs a +new pair of shoes--shoot a dime!" + +She will then "throw," and so the game will go on until the old +lady evidences a desire to stop, or, possibly, until either you +or she are "cleaned out." In this latter case, however, it would +be a customary act of courtesy towards an older person for you to +offer to shoot your grandmother for her shawl or her side combs, +thus giving her several more chances to win back the money she +has lost. It should be recommended that young men never make a +mistake in going a little out of their way on occasion to make +life more pleasant and agreeable for the aged. + + +CORRECT BEHAVIOR ON A PICNIC + +There often comes a time in the life of the members of "society" +when they grow a little weary of the ceaseless round of teas, +balls and dinners, and for such I would not hesitate to recommend +a "picnic." + +A day spent in the "open," with the blue sky over one's head, is +indeed a splendid tonic for jaded nerves. But one should not make +the mistake of thinking that because he (or she) is "roughing it" +for a day, he (or she) can therefore leave behind his (or her) +"manners," for such is not the case. There is a distinct +etiquette for picnics, and any one who disregards this fact is +apt to find to his (or her) sorrow that the "shoe" in this case +is decidedly "on the other foot." + +A young man, for example, is often asked by a young lady to +accompany her on a "family picnic." To this invitation he should, +after some consideration,, reply either "Yes" or "No," and if the +former, he should present himself at the young lady's house +promptly on the day set for the affair (usually Sunday). + +A "family picnic" generally consists of a Buick, a father, a +mother, a daughter, a small son, beef loaf, lettuce sandwiches, a +young man (you), two blow-outs, one spare tire, and Aunt +Florence. + +The father drives with his small boy beside him; in the rear are +the mother, the daughter, Aunt Florence, the thermos bottles, the +lunch baskets and you. As you take your seat you must remember +that it is a distinct evidence of bad breeding to show in any way +that you are conscious of the fact that the car has been standing +for the last hour and forty-four minutes in the hot July sun. + +"We're off!" cries father, pressing his foot on the self-starting +pedal. Thirty minutes later you roll away from the curb and the +picnic has begun. The intervening time has, of course, been +profitably spent by you in walking to the nearest garage for two +new sparkplugs. + +It should be your duty, as guest, to see that the conversation in +the rear seat is not allowed to lag. "It's a great day," you +remark, as the car speeds along. "I think it's going to rain," +replies Aunt Florence. "Not too fast, Will!" says mother. +"Mother!" says the daughter. + +Ten minutes later you should again remark, "My, what a wonderful +day!" "Those clouds are gathering in the west," says Aunt +Florence, "I think we had better put the top up." "I think this +is the wrong road," says mother. + +"Dear, I know what I'm doing," replies father. + +The secret of good conversation lies in discovering the "hobby" +of the person with whom one is conversing, and a good talker +always throws out several "feelers" in order to find out the +things in which his partner is most interested. You should, +therefore, next say to mother, "Don't you think this is a +glorious day for a picnic?" to which she will reply, "Well, I'm +sure this is the wrong road. Hadn't you better ask?" The husband +will answer nothing, but Aunt Florence will murmur, "I think I +felt a drop of rain, Will. If you don't put the top up now, we'll +all be drenched." + +The husband will then stop the car, and you and he will proceed +to put up the top. In doing this, it is customary for the guest +to get the second and third fingers of his right hand so severely +pinched that he can not use the hand for several days. As soon as +the top is up and the rain curtains are in place the sun will +come out and you can at once get out and put the top down, taking +care this time to ruin two fingers of the LEFT hand. + +No good conversationalist confines himself exclusively to one +subject, and when you are once more "under way" you should remark +to the mother, "I think that motoring is great fun, don't you, +Mrs. Caldwell?" Her answer will be, "I wish you wouldn't drive so +fast!" You should then smile and say to Aunt Florence, "Don't YOU +think that motoring is great fun, Mrs. Lockwood?" As she is about +to reply, the left rear tire will blow out with a loud noise and +the car will come to a bumping stop. + +The etiquette of changing a tire is fairly simple. As soon as the +"puncture" occurs one should at once remark, "Is there anything I +can do?" This request should be repeated from time to time, +always taking care, however, that no one takes it at all +seriously. The real duty of a young man who is a "guest" on a +motor trip on which a "blow-out" occurs is, of course, to keep +the ladies of the party amused during the delay. This can be +accomplished by any of the conventional methods, such as card +tricks, handsprings, and other feats of athletic agility, or +making funny jokes about the host who is at work on the tire. + +When the damage has been repaired and the car is once more +speeding along, leaving behind it mile after mile of dusty road +as well as father's best "jack" and set of tire tools, the small +boy will suddenly remark, "I'm hungry." His father will then +reply, "We'll be at a fine place to eat in ten minutes." Thirty +minutes later mother will remark, "Will, that looks like a good +place for a picnic over there." The father will reply, "No--we're +coming to a wonderful place--just trust me, Mary!" Twenty minutes +later Aunt Florence will say, "Will, I think that grove over +there would be fine for our lunch," to which the husband will +reply, "We're almost at the place I know about--it's ideal for a +picnic." Forty minutes after this, father will stop the car and +point to a clump of trees. "There," he will say, "what do you +think of that?" "Oh, we can't eat THERE!" will be the answer of +mother, daughter and Aunt Florence. "Drive on a bit further--I +think I know a place." + +Three hours and thirty minutes later (i. e. four hours past your +normal lunch hour) there will be another puncture and as the car +stops beside a wheat field it will begin to rain, and the +daughter will sigh, "Well, we might as well eat here." The +"picnic" will then be held in the car, and nothing really quite +carries one back to nature and primeval man as does warm lemonade +and a lettuce sandwich in a Buick with the top up and side +curtains on. + +After lunch it will be time to return home, and after you and +father have ruined your clothes in repairing the punctures, the +merry party will proceed on its way. The next morning, if you +have not caught pneumonia, you will be able to go to your work +greatly refreshed by your day's outing in the lap of old Mother +Nature. + + +{illustration caption = +Nowhere is the etiquette of travel more abused than our subways. +The gentleman shown above is en route to his fiancee's flat in +the Bronx. He has neglected to purchase the customary bouquet for +his intended and has offered his seat to the lady, who is +standing, in exchange for her corsage bouquet. Should she accept +the proposition without further ado, or should she request the +guard to introduce the gentleman first?} + + +{illustration caption = +The young lady has received an invitation to a quilting-bee from +a Mrs. Steenwyck and, anxious to make a correct reply, she has +bought a Complete Letter Writer to aid her to this end. To her +surprise and dismay, she finds that it contains three model +replies to such an invitation beginning "Dear Mrs. Peartree," +"Dear Mrs. Rombouts," and "Dear Mrs. Bevy," and one invitation to +a christening beginning, "Dear Mrs. Steenwyck," but no reply to +an invitation to a quilting-bee beginning "Dear Mrs. Steenwyck." +PERFECT BEHAVIOR settles such perplexities.} + +{illustration caption = +Crests or other armorial bearings on notepaper are no longer +considered absolutely necessary to establish one's social +position. Nevertheless, if one feels that note-paper that does +not bear the family escutcheon is not quite all that note-paper +should be, it is permissible to have it stamped neatly at the top +of the first sheet. Care should be exercised to avoid selecting +coats-of-arms that might be recognized, such as that of the +United States or Great Britain. Rather solicit the taste of a +good stationer than commit the blunders depicted above.} + + + +BOXING IN AMERICAN SOCIETY + +Although many of America's foremost boxers have been persons whom +one would not care to know socially, yet much fun and pleasure +can be had out of the "manly art" if practised in a gentlemanly +manner. + +"Boxing parties" are generally held in the evening. The ballroom +of one's home can be pleasantly decorated for the occasion, with +a square ring roped off in the centre surrounded by seats for the +ladies and gentlemen who come as invited guests. Evening dress is +usually worn. + +The contests should be between various members of one's social +"set" who are fond of the sport and can be counted on to remember +at all times that they are gentlemen. + +The matches should be arranged in tournament form, so that the +winner of one bout meets the winner of the next bout, et cetera, +until all but two have been eliminated. The boxer who wins this +final contest shall be proclaimed the "champion." + +Great fun can then be had by announcing that the "champion" will +be permitted to box three rounds with a "masked marvel." The +identity of this "unknown" (who is usually Jack Dempsey or some +other noted professional pugilist) should be kept carefully +secret, so that all the guests are in a glow of mystified +excitement when the contest begins, and you can imagine their +delight and happy enthusiasm when the "masked marvel" cleverly +knocks the "champion" for a double loop through the ropes into +the lap of some tittering "dowager." + +Refreshments should then be served and the "champion" can be +carried home in a car or ambulance provided by the thoughtful +host. + + +BRIDGE WHIST + +"Bridge whist," or "Bridge," as it is often called by the younger +generation, is rapidly replacing whist as the favorite card game +of good society, and "bridge" parties are much en vogue for both +afternoon and evening entertainments. In order to become an +expert "bridge" player one must, of course, spend many months and +even years in a study of the game, but any gentleman or lady of +average intelligence can, I believe, pick up the fundamentals of +"bridge" in a short while. + +Let us suppose, for example, that you, as a "young man about +town," are invited to play "bridge" on the evening of Friday, +November seventeenth, at the home of Mrs. Franklin Gregory. Now, +although you may have played the game only once or twice in your +life, it would never do to admit the fact, for in good society +one is supposed to play "bridge" just as one is supposed to hate +newspaper publicity, and on the evening of Friday, November +seventeenth, you should present yourself in suitable attire at +Mrs. Gregory's home. + +There you will find fifteen or twenty other guests, and after a +few minutes of light social banter a bell will ring and the +players will take their places. At your table will be Mrs. F. +Jamison Dollings (your partner) and Mr. and Mrs. Theodore Watts. +Mrs. Dollings (Sept. 6, 1880) is considered one of the most +expert "bridge" players in the city, while Mr. Watts has one of +the largest retail clothing stores in the central part of the +State. Mrs. Watts was one of the Van Cortlandt girls (the plain +one). + +As you are probably (next to Mr. and Mrs. Watts) the worst +"bridge" player in the room it should be your duty to make up for +this deficiency by keeping the other three players +conversationally stimulated, for nothing so enlivens a game of +"bridge" as a young man or woman with a pleasing personality and +a gift for "small talk." Thus, at the very beginning, after you +have finished dealing the cards, you should fill in what seems to +you an embarrassing pause by telling one of your cleverest +stories, at the conclusion of which Mrs. Dollings will remark, +"We are waiting for your bid, Mr. S----." + +The etiquette of "bidding," as far as you are concerned, should +resolve itself into a consistent effort on your part to become +"dummy" for each and every game. The minute your partner (Mrs. +Dollings) bids anything, it should be your duty as a gentleman to +see that she gets it, no matter what the cost. + +Thus, on the first hand, you "pass." Mr. Watts then says, "Wait a +minute, till I get these cards fixed"; to which Mrs. Watts +replies, "Theodore, for Heaven's sake, how long do you want?" Mr. +Watts then says, "Which is higher--clubs or hearts?" to which +Mrs. Watts replies, "Clubs." Mrs. Dollings then says, "I beg your +pardon, but hearts have always been considered higher than +clubs." Mrs. Watts says, "Oh, yes, of course," and gives Mr. +Watts a mean look. Mr. Watts then says, "I bid--let's see--I bid +two spades --no, two diamonds." Mrs. Dollings quickly says, "Two +lilies," Mr. Watts says, "What's a lily?" to which Mrs. Watts +replies, "Theodore!" and then bids "Two spades," at which Mrs. +Dollings says, "I beg your pardon, but I have just bid two +spades." Mr. Watts then chuckles, and Mrs. Watts says (but not to +Mr. Watts), "I beg your pardon." Mrs. Watts then bids "Three +spades," at which you quickly say, "Four spades." + +This bid is not "raised." Mrs. Dollings then says to you, "I am +counting on your spades to help me out," at which you look at the +only spade in your hand (the three) and answer, "Ha! Ha! Ha!" +There is then a wait of four minutes, at the end of which Mrs. +Dollings wearily says, "It is your first lead, is it not, Mrs. +Watts?" Mrs. Watts then blushes, says, "Oh, I beg your pardon!" +and leads the four of hearts. You then lay down your "dummy" +hand. Before Mrs. Dollings has had time to discover just what you +have done to her, you should rise quickly and say, "Excuse me, +but I want to use the telephone a minute." You should then go +into the next room and wait ten or fifteen minutes. When you +return Mrs. Dollings will have disappeared, Mrs. Watts will be +looking fixedly at Mr. Watts, and Mr. Watts will be saying, +"Well, it's a silly game, anyway." + +You and Mr. and Mrs. Watts can then have a nice game of +twenty-five cent limit stud poker for the rest of the evening, +and it would certainly be considered a thoughtful and gracious +"gesture" if, during the next two or three weeks, you should call +occasionally at the hospital to see how Mrs. Dollings is "getting +on," or you might even send some flowers or a nice potted plant. + + +FORMAL AND INFORMAL DRINKING + +"Drinking" has, of course, always been a popular sport among the +members of the better classes of society, but never has the +enthusiasm for this pastime been so great in America as since the +advent of "prohibition." Gentlemen and ladies who never before +cared much for "drinking" have now given up almost all other +amusements in favor of this fascinating sport; young men and +debutantes have become, in the last few years, fully as expert in +the game as their parents. In many cities "drinking" has become +more popular than "bridge" or dancing and it is predicted that, +with a few more years of "prohibition," "drinking" will supersede +golf and baseball as the great American pastime. + +The effect of this has been to change radically many of the +fundamental rules of the sport, and the influence on the +etiquette of the game has been no less marked. What was +considered "good form" in this pastime among our forefathers now +decidedly demode, and the correct drinker of 1910 is as obsolete +and out of date in the present decade as the "frock-coat." + +The game today is divided into (a) formal and (b) informal +drinking. "Formal drinking" is usually played after dinner and is +more and more coming to take the place of charades, +sleight-of-hand performances, magic lantern shows, "dumb crambo," +et cetera, as the parlor amusement par excellence. "Formal +drinking" can be played by from one to fifteen people in a house +of ordinary dimensions; for a larger number it is generally +better to provide a garage, a large yard, and special police, +fire and plate glass insurance. The game is played with glasses, +ice, and a dozen bottles of either whisky or gin. + +The sport is begun by the host's wife, who says, "How would you +all like to play a little bridge?" This is followed by silence. +Another wife then says, "I think it would be awfully nice to play +a little bridge." One of the men players then steps forward and +says "I think it would be awfully nice to have a little drink." + +An "It" is then selected--always, by courtesy, the host. The "It" +then says, "How would you all like to have a little drink?" The +men players then answer in the affirmative and the "It's" wife +says, "Now Henry dear, please--remember what happened last time." +The "It" replies, "Yes, dear," and goes into the cellar, while +the "It's" wife, after providing each guest with a glass, puts +away the Dresden china clock, the porcelain parrot. and the gold +fish globe. + +Sides are chosen--usually with the husbands on one "team" and the +wives on the other. The purpose of the game is for the +"husbands', team" to try to drink up all the "It's" liquor before +the "wives' team" can get them to go home. + +When the "It" returns with the liquor he pours out a portion for +each player and at a given signal all drink steadily for several +minutes. The "It's" wife then says, "Now--how about a few rubbers +of bridge?" She is immediately elected "team captain" for the +rest of the evening. It is the duty of the "team captain" to +provide cracked ice and water, to get ready the two spare +bedrooms, to hold Wallie Spencer's hand, to keep Eddie Armstrong +from putting his lighted cigaret ends on the piano, and to break +up the party as soon as possible. The game generally ends when +(1) the liquor is all gone, (2) the "It" (or three guests) have +passed "out," (3) Wallie Spencer starts telling about his war +experiences. "Informal" drinking needs, of course, no such +elaborate preparations and can be played anywhere and any time +there is anything to drink. The person who is caught with the +liquor is "It," and the object of the game is to take all the +liquor away from the "It" as soon as possible. In order to avoid +being "It," many players sometimes resort to various low +subterfuges, such as sneaking down alone to the club locker-room +during a dance, but this practise is generally looked upon with +great disfavor--especially by that increasingly large group of +citizens who are unselfishly devoting their lives to the cause of +a "dry America" by consuming all of the present rapidly +diminishing visible supply. + + +A JOLLY HALLOWE'EN PARTY + +The problem of providing suitable entertainment for one's +informal parties is something which has perplexed many a host and +hostess in recent years. How often has it happened that just when +you had gotten your guests nicely seated around the parlor +listening to the Caruso record, some ill-mannered fellow would +remark, "Oh, Lord--let's go over to the Tom Phillips' and get +something to drink." How many times in the past have you prepared +original little "get-together" games, such as Carol Kennicott did +in Main Street, only to find that, when you again turned the +lights on, half the company had disappeared for the evening. + +Of course we cannot all be as startlingly clever as Carol, but +Hallowe'en, which comes this year on October 31st, offers a +splendid opportunity for originality and "peppy" fun. The +following suggestions are presented to ambitious hostesses with +the absolute guaranty that no matter what other reactions her +guests may have, they will certainly not be bored. + + +{illustration caption = +Few people realize the value of picture post-cards as indicators +of the birth, breeding, and character of the sender, yet nothing +so definitely "places" a person socially as his choice of these +souvenirs. Could you have selected the senders of the above +cards?} + +{illustration caption = +In spite of his haughty airs and fine clothes, the gentleman +betrays that he is not much accustomed to good society when, +having been asked by his hostess if he would care to remove his +coat and waistcoat during the warm evening of bridge, he, in +doing so, reveals the presence of several useful cards hidden +about his person. This sort of thing, while often tolerated at +less formal "stag" poker-parties, is seldom, ever, permissible +when ladies are present. The young man was simply ignorant of the +fact that Hoyle and not Herman the Great is the generally +accepted authority on cards in the "beau monde."} + + + +INVITATIONS + +The whole spirit of Hallowe'en is, of course, one of "spooky" +gayety and light-hearted ghastliness. Witches and ghosts run +riot; corpses dance and black cats howl. "More work for the +undertaker" should be the leitmotif of the evening's fun. + +The moribund spirit can be delightfully observed, first of all, +in the preparation of the invitations. I know of one hostess, for +instance, who gained a great reputation for originality by +enclosing a dead fish with each bidding to the evening's +gayeties. It is, of course, not at all necessary to follow her +example to the letter; the enclosure of anything dead will +suffice, providing, of course, that it is not TOO dead. There is +such a thing as carrying a joke beyond the limits of propriety, +and the canons of good taste should always be respectfully +observed. + +Another amusing way of preparing invitations is to cut out +colored paper in the shape of cats, witches, etc., upon which +appropriate verses are inscribed. Such as: + + "Next Monday night is Hallowe'en, + You big stiff." + or + "On Monday next comes All-Hallows-Even, + My grandmother's maiden name was Stephens." + or + "On Hallowe'en you may see a witch + If you don't look out, you funny fellow." + or + "Harry and I are giving a Hallowe'en party; + Harry says you owe him four dollars; please be + prompt.)) + or + "Monday night the ghosts do dance; + Why didn't you enlist and go to France, + You slacker?" + + +Another novel invitation is made by cutting a piece of yellow +paper thirteen inches long and four inches wide, and writing on +each inch one of the lines given below. Then begin at the bottom +and fold the paper up, inch by inch. Fasten the last turn down +with a "spooky" gummed sticker, and slip into a small envelope. +When the recipient unfolds the invitation, he will be surprised +to read the following: + + Now what on earth + do you suppose + is in this + little folder + keep turning + ha ha ha + further + ha ha ha + further + ha ha ha, + further + ha ha ha + further + + +It would perhaps be best to telephone the next day to those +guests whom you really want, and give them further details as to +the date and time of the party. Additional fun can be gotten out +of this invitation by failing to put postage stamps on the +envelopes when you mail them; the two cents which each guest will +have to pay for postage due can be returned in a novel manner on +the night of the party by inserting them in sandwiches or stuffed +tomatoes. + +For those who may wish to send out more elaborate invitations, +the following distinctly original plan is suggested: Procure a +number of small alarm clocks and a quantity of nitroglycerine or +other high explosive. Insert in each clock a small amount of the +nitroglycerine, being careful not to put too much; a quantity +sufficient to wreck a room 20 X 30 Will generally suffice. Then +arrange the alarm mechanism so that the explosion will occur at +12 midnight. Attach to the clock a card, neatly decorated with +witches, goblins, etc., on which is written + + "Midnight is the mystic hour + Of yawning graves and coffins dour. + Beneath your bed this clock please hide + And when it strikes---you'll be surprised." + + +These clocks should then be delivered in the afternoon to those +of the guests whom you are merely inviting because they are your +husband's business associates, or because they were nice to your +mother when she did her own work. Later on, in order to avoid +hard feelings on the part of relatives and friends of the +deceased, it might be well to explain to them that you sent the +clocks only in the spirit of Hallowe'en fun; it might even help +to invite them to one of your next parties. + + +RECEIVING THE GUESTS + +On Hallowe'en night great care should be taken in the +preparations for receiving the guests in a mystic manner; no +pains should be spared in the effort to start the evening off +with a "bang." + +Several novel ideas are offered for starting the guests off on +the right informal spirit. Before they arrive, it is a good plan +to take the street number off your house and fasten it to the +porch of your next door neighbors, who will, of course, be at +home because they are perfectly impossible people whom no one +would invite anywhere. Extinguish all the lights in your own +house; your neighbor, as he comes downstairs twenty-five or +thirty times in the next hour, will obligingly tell your +bewildered friends specifically where to go. + +When the guest finally learns from the neighborhood policeman +which house on the block is really yours he will discover on your +door a sign reading: + + "If you would be my Valentine, + Follow please the bright green line." + + +Leading from the door is a green cord which the mystified guest +proceeds to follow, according to directions. This cord should +guide the way to the coal cellar of your other neighbor who has +recently purchased an automatic revolver under the delusion that +burglars are operating in the neighborhood. As your bewildered +guest gropes his way about the cellar, it is quite likely that he +will be shot at several times and by the time he emerges (if he +does emerge) he will be quite delightfully full of the informal +spirit of Hallowe'en and ready for anything. + + +HOW TO MYSTIFY + +At this point, your wife, dressed as a witch, should unexpectedly +rush out at him; there is always the delightful possibility that +he will pick up a convenient rock and brain her on the spot--an +event which often adds an unexpected touch of gayety to the +evening's fun. If, however, no such event occurs, the guest +should be blindfolded and led into the house. Once inside he is +conducted upstairs to the attic, where he will find three or four +earlier arrivals also blindfolded. + +The hands and feet of these four are then securely tied and they +are told that they are to be left there all evening. This is +really a great joke, because they do not, of course, at the time, +believe what you say, and when you come up to untie them the next +morning, their shame-faced discomposure is truly laughable. + +The green-cord-into-neighbor's-coal-cellar joke can be cleverly +varied by taking the lid off your cistern and making the green +line lead in that direction. Great care should be taken, however, +to keep an exact account of the number of guests who succumb to +this trick, for although an unexpected "ducking" is +excruciatingly humorous, drowning often results fatally. + +Great fun can be added to the evening's entertainment by dressing +several of the guests as ghosts, witches, corpses, etc; these +costumes can be quite simply and economically made in the home, +or can be procured from some reliable department store. + +An "old-fashioned" witch's costume consists of a union suit +(Munsing or any other standard brand), corset, brassiere, +chemise, underpetticoat, overpetticoat, long black skirt, long +black stockings, shoes, black waist and shawl, with a pointed +witch's hat and a broomstick. The "modern" witch's costume is +much simpler and inexpensive in many details. + +A particularly novel and "hair raising" effect may be produced by +painting the entire body of one of the male guests with +phosphorus. As this glowing nude stalks uncannily through the +darkened rooms you may easily imagine the ghastly +effect--especially upon his wife. + + +GAMES + +After the guests have sufficiently amused themselves with the +ghosts and witches it will be time to commence some of the many +games which are always associated with Hallowe'en. "Bobbing for +apples" is, of course, the most common of these games and great +sport it is, too, to watch the awkward efforts of the guests as +they try to pick up with their teeth the apples floating in a +large tub. I know of one hostess who added greatly to the +evening's fun by pouring twelve quarts of gin into the tub; the +effect on the bobbers was, of course, extremely comical, except +for the unfortunate conduct of two gentlemen, one of whom went to +sleep in the tub, the other so far forgetting himself as +playfully to throw all the floating fruit at the hostess' pet +Pomeranian. + +Most Hallowe'en games concern themselves with delving into the +future in the hopes that one may there discover one's husband or +bride-to-be. In one of these games the men stand at one end of +the room, facing the girls, with their hands behind their backs +and eyes tightly closed. The girls are blindfolded and one by one +they are led to within six feet of the expectant men and given a +soft pin cushion which they hurl forward. The tradition is that +whichever man the girl hits, him will she marry. Great fun can be +added to the game by occasionally substituting a rock or iron +dumb-bell in place of the romantic pin cushion. + +Another game based on a delightful old Hallowe'en tradition is as +follows: A girl is given a lighted candle and told to walk +upstairs into the room at the end of the hall where, by looking +in a mirror, she will see her future husband. Have it arranged so +that you are concealed alone in the room. When the girl arrives, +look over her shoulder into the mirror. She had better go +downstairs after ten minutes, though, so that another girl can +come up. This tradition dates from before William the Conqueror. + +No Hallowe'en is complete, of course, without fortune telling. +Dress yourself as a wizard and have the guests led in one by one +to hear their fortune told. Hanging in front of you should be a +caldron, from which you extract the slip of paper containing the +particular fortune. These slips of paper should be prepared +beforehand. The following are suggested: + +"You will meet a well dressed, good looking man who understands +you better than your husband. How about Thursday at the Plaza?" + +"You are about to receive a shipment of Scotch whisky that you +ordered last month. And it's about time you kicked across with +some of your own." + +"You will have much trouble in your life if you lie about your +golf score as you did last Sunday on Number 12." + +Still another pleasing Hallowe'en game, based on the revelation +of one's matrimonial future, is played as follows: Seven lighted +candles are placed in a row on a table. The men are then +blindfolded, whirled around three times and commanded to blow out +the candles. The number extinguished at a blow tells the number +of years before they meet their bride. This game only grows +interesting, of course, when some old goat with long whiskers can +be induced to take a blind shot at blowing out the candles. Have +Pyrene convenient--but not too convenient to spoil the fun. + +For the older members of the party, the host should provide +various games of cards and dice. In keeping with the ghastly +spirit of the occasion, it would be well to have the dice +carefully loaded. Many hosts have thus been able to make all +expenses and often a handsome profit out of the evening's +entertainment. + +If the crap game goes particularly well, many hosts do not +hesitate to provide elaborate refreshments for the guests. Here, +too, the spirit of fun and jollity should prevail, and great +merriment is always provoked by the ludicrous expression of the +guest who has broken two teeth on the cast-iron olive. Other +delightful surprises should be arranged, and a little Sloan's +liniment in the punch or ground glass in the ice cream will go a +long way toward making the supper amusing. And finally, when the +guests are ready to depart and just before they discover that you +have cut cute little black cats and witches out of the backs of +their evening wraps and over coats, it would perhaps be well to +run up stairs and lock yourself securely in your room. + + + + +CHAPTER EIGHT: CORRESPONDENCE AND INVITATIONS + +CORRESPONDENCE + +It is narrated of a well-known English lady (who is noted on the +other side of the Atlantic for the sharpness of her wit) that on +one occasion, when a vainglorious American was boasting of his +country's prowess in digging the Panama Canal, she calmly waited +until he had finished and then replied, with an indescribable +smile, "Ah--but you Americans do not know how to write letters." +Needless to say the discomfited young man took himself off at the +earliest opportunity. + +There is much truth, alas, in the English lady's clever retort, +for the automatic typewriter, the telegraph, and the penny postal +card have done much to cause a gradual decline in the gentle art +of correspondence. As one American woman recently remarked to a +visitor (with more wit, however, than good taste), "Yes, we do +have correspondents here --but they are all in the divorce +courts." + + +CORRESPONDENCE FOR YOUNG LADIES + +There are certain rules in regard to correct letter-writing which +must be followed by all who would "take their pen in hand." Young +people are the most apt to offend in this respect against the +accepted canons of good taste and it is to these that I would +first address the contents of this chapter. A young girl often +lets her high spirits run away with her amour propre, with the +result that her letters, especially those addressed to strangers, +are often lacking in that dignity which is the sine qua non of +correct correspondence. + +Consider, for example, the following two letters composed by Miss +Florence ......, a debutante of New York City, who is writing to +a taxidermist thanking him for his neat work in having recently +stuffed her deceased pet Alice. The first of these letters +illustrates the evil to which I have just referred, viz., the +complete absence of proper dignity. The second, written with the +aid of her mama, whose experience in social affairs has been +considerable, shows the correct method of corresponding with +comparative strangers. + + +An Incorrect Letter from a Debutante to a Taxidermist Thanking +Him for Having Stuffed Her Pet Alice + +DEAR MR. Epps: + +Aren't you an old PEACH to have gone and stuffed Alice so +prettily! Really, Mr. Epps, I never saw such a knockout piece of +taxidermy, even in Europe, and I simply adore it. Mother gave a +dinner party last night and EVERYBODY was just wild about it and +wanted to know who had done it. How on EARTH did you manage to +get the wings to stay like that? And the eyes are just too +priceless for words. Honestly, every time I look at it, it's so +DARNED natural that I can't believe Alice is really dead. I guess +you must be pretty dog-goned crazy about birds yourself to have +done such a lovely job on Alice, and I guess you know how +perfectly sick I was over her death. Honestly, Mr. Epps, she was +such a PEACH of an owl. But I suppose it had to be, and anyway, +thanks just heaps for having done such a really perfectly +gorgeous bit of taxidermy. + Gratefully, + FLORENCE CHASE. +593 Fifth Avenue, +New York City. + + +The above is, you observe, quite lacking in that reserve with +which young ladies should always treat strange gentlemen and +especially those who are not in their own social "set." Slang may +be excusable in shop girls or baseball players, but never in the +mouth of a young lady with any pretensions to breeding. And the +use of "darned" and "dog-goned" is simply unpardonable. Notice, +now, the way in which Miss Florence writes the letter after, her +mama has given her the proper instruction. + +A Correct Letter from a Debutante to a Taxidermist Thanking Him +for Having Stuffed Her Pet Alice + +Mr. Lloyd Epps, Taxidermist, +New York City. +DEAR SIR: + +It is with sincere pleasure that I take my pen in hand to +compliment you upon the successful manner in which you have +rendered your services as taxidermist upon my late owl Alice. +Death in the animal kingdom is all too often regarded with an +unbecoming levity or, at least, a careless lack of sympathetic +appreciation, and it is with genuine feelings of gratitude that I +pen these lines upon the occasion of the receipt of the sample of +the excellent manner in which you have performed your task. Of +the same opinion is my father, a vice-president of the Guaranty +Trust Co., and himself a taxidermist of no inconsiderable merit, +who joins me in expressing to you our most grateful appreciation. + Sincerely yours, + FLORENCE ELIOT CHASE. +December 11, 1922. + + +{illustration caption = +The young man is leaving the home of his host in "high dudgeon." +He is of the type rather slangily known among the members of our +younger set as "finale hopper" which means, in the "King's +English," one who is very fond of dancing. His indignation is +well founded, since it is not the custom among members of the +socially elite to comment in the presence of the guest on either +the quantity of soup consumed or the method of consumption +adopted. These things should be left for the privacy of the +boudoir or smoking den where they will afford much innocent +amusement. Nor is the host mending matters by his kindly meant +but perhaps tactless offer of a nickel for carfare.} + +{illustration caption = +The gentleman with the excellent teeth has just been guilty of a +gross social error. Wrongly supposing that the secret of +popularity lies in a helpful spirit and having discovered that +the son of his hostess is about to enter a dental school, he has +removed the excellent teeth (false) from his mouth and passed +them around for inspection. The fact that the teeth are of the +latest mode does not in any way condone the breach. Leniency in +such matters is not recommended. "Facilis descensus Averni" as +one of the great poets of the Middle Ages so aptly put it.} + + + +COLLEGE BOYS + +It is the tendency of the age to excuse many social errors in +young people, and especially is this true of the mischievous +pranks of college boys. If Harvard football heroes and their +"rooters," for example, wish to let their hair grow long and wear +high turtle-necked red "sweaters," corduroy trousers and huge +"frat" pins, I, for one, can see no grave objection, for "boys +will be boys" and I am, I hope, no "old fogy" in such matters. +But I also see no reason why these same young fellows should not +be interested in the graces of the salon and the arts of the +drawing-room. Consider, for example, the following two letters, +illustrating the correct and incorrect method in which two young +college men should correspond, and tell me if there is not some +place in our college curriculum for a Professor of Deportment: + +An Incorrect Letter from a Princeton Student to a Yale Student +Congratulating the Latter on His Football Victory + +DEAR MIKE: + +Here's your damn money. I was a fool to give you odds. + ED. +P. S. What happened at the Nass? I woke up Sunday with a terrific +welt on my forehead and somebody's hat with the initials L. G. +T., also a Brooks coat. Do you know whose they are? P. P. S. +Please for God's sake don't cash this check until the fifteenth +or I'm ruined. + + +And here is the way in which I would suggest that this same +letter be indited. + +A Correct Letter from a Princeton Student to a Yale Student +Congratulating the Latter on His Football Victory + +MY DEAR "FRIENDLY ENEMY": + +Well, well, it was a jolly game, wasn't it, and it was so good to +see you in "Old Nassau." I am sorry that you could not have come +earlier in the fall, when the trees were still bronze and gold. I +also regret exceedingly that you did not stay over until Sunday, +for it would have been such a treat to have taken you to see the +Graduate School buildings and the Cleveland Memorial Tower. +However, "better luck next time." + +The enclosed check is, as you may well guess, in payment of our +wager on the result of the gridiron-contest. Truly, I am almost +glad that I lost, for I can not but think that gambling in any +form is at best an unprofitable diversion, and this has taught +me, I hope, a lesson from which I may well benefit. Do not think +me a "prig," dear Harry, I beg of you, for I am sure that you +will agree with me that even a seemingly innocent wager on a +football match may lead in later life to a taste for gambling +with dice and cards or even worse. Shall we not agree to make +this our last wager--or at least, next time, let us not lend it +the appearance of professional gambling by giving "odds," such as +I gave you this year. + +You must have thought it frightfully rude of me not to have seen +you to the train after that enjoyable evening at the Nassau Inn, +but to tell you the truth, Harry, the nervous excitement of the +day proved too much for me and I was forced to retire. My +indisposition was further accentuated by a slight mishap which +befell me outside the Inn but which need cause you no alarm as a +scalp wound was the only result and a few days' rest in my cozy +dormitory room will soon set matters to rights. I trust, however, +that you will explain to your friends the cause of my sudden +departure and my seeming inhospitality. Such jolly fellows they +were--and I am only too glad to find that the "bulldogs" are as +thoroughly nice as the chaps we have down here. Incidentally, I +discovered, somewhat to my dismay, as you may well imagine, that +in taking my departure I inadvertently "walked off" with the hat +and overcoat of one of your friends whose initials are L. G. T. I +am mortified beyond words and shall send the garments to you by +the next post with my deepest apologies to the unlucky owner. + +Rest assured, Harry my friend, that I am looking forward to +visiting you some time in the near future, for I have always been +curious to observe the many interesting sights of "Eli land." +Particularly anxious am I to see the beautiful trees which have +given New Haven its name of "the City of Elms," and the +collection of primitive paintings for which your college is +justly celebrated. And in closing may I make the slight request +that you postpone the cashing of my enclosed check until the +fifteenth of this month, as, due to some slight misunderstanding, +I find that my account is in the unfortunate condition of being +"overdrawn." + +Believe me, Harry, with kindest regards to your nice friends and +yourself and with congratulations on the well deserved victory of +your "eleven," + Your devoted friend and well wisher, + EDWARD ELLIS COCHRAN. + + +LETTERS TO PARENTS + +Of course, when young people write to the members of their +immediate family, it is not necessary that they employ such +reserve as in correspondence with friends. The following letter +well illustrates the change in tone which is permissible in such +intimate correspondence: + +A Correct Letter from a Young Lady in Boarding School to Her +Parents + +DEAR MOTHER: + +Of course I am terribly glad that you and father are thinking of +coming to visit me here at school next week, but don't you think +it would be better if, instead of your coming all the way up +here, I should come down and stay with you in New York? The +railroad trip up here will be very hard on you, as the trains are +usually late and the porters and conductors are notorious for +their gruffness and it is awfully hard to get parlor-car seats +and you know what sitting in a day-coach means. I should love to +have you come only I wouldn't want you or father to get some +terrible sickness on the train and last month there were at least +three wrecks on that road, with many fatalities, and when you get +here the accommodations aren't very good for outsiders, many of +the guests having been severely poisoned only last year by eating +ripe olives and the beds, they say, are extremely hard. Don't you +really think it would be ever so much nicer if you and father +stayed in some comfortable hotel in New York with all the +conveniences in the world and there are some wonderful things at +the theaters which you really ought to see. I could probably get +permission from Miss Spencer to come and visit you over Saturday +and Sunday if you are stopping at one of the five hotels on her +"permitted" list. + +However, if you do decide to come here, perhaps it would be +better to leave father in New York because I know he wouldn't +like it at all with nothing but women and girls around and I am +sure that he couldn't get his glass of hot water in the morning +before breakfast and he would have a much better time in New +York. But if he does come please mother don't let him wear that +old gray hat or that brown suit, and mother couldn't you get him +to get some gloves and a cane in New York before he comes? And +please, mother dear, make him put those "stogies" of his in an +inside pocket and would you mind, mother, not wearing that brooch +father's employees gave you last Christmas? + +I shall be awfully glad to see you both but as I say it would be +better if you let me come to New York where you and father will +be ever so much more comfortable. + Your loving daughter, + JEANNETTE. + + +LETTERS FROM PARENTS + +THE same familiarity may be observed by parents when +corresponding with their children, with, of course, the addition +of a certain amount of dignity commensurate with the fact that +they are, as it were, in loco parentis. The following example +will no doubt be of aid to parents in correctly corresponding +with their children: + +A Correct Letter from a Mother to Her Son Congratulating Him on +His Election to the Presidency of the United States + +DEAR FREDERICK: + +I am very glad that you have been elected President of the United +States, Frederick, and I hope that now you will have sense enough +to see Dr. Kincaid about your teeth. It would be well to have him +give you a thorough looking over at this time. And Mrs. Peasely +has given me the name of a splendid throat specialist in New York +whom I wish you would see as soon as possible, for it has been +almost a year since you went to Dr. Ryan. Are you getting good +wholesome food? Mrs. Dennison stopped in this morning and she +told me that Washington is very damp in the spring and I think +you had better get a new overcoat--a heavy warm one. She also +told me the name of a place where you can buy real woolen socks +and pajamas. I hope that you aren't going to be so foolish as to +wear those short B. V. D.'s all winter because now that you are +president you must take care of yourself, Edward dear. Are you +keeping up those exercises in the morning? I found those +dumb-bells of yours in the attic yesterday and will send them on +to you if you wish. And, dear, please keep your throat covered +when you go out--Mrs. Kennedy says that the subways are always +cold and full of draughts. I saw a picture of you at the "movies" +the other evening and you were making a speech in the rain +without a hat or rubbers. Your uncle Frederick was just such a +fool as you are about wearing rubbers and he almost died of +pneumonia the winter we moved to Jefferson Avenue. Be sure and +let me know what Dr. Kincaid says and tell him EVERYTHING. + Your LOVING mother. +P. S. What direction does your window face? + + +LETTERS TO PROSPECTIVE FATHERS-IN-LAW + +A young man desiring to marry a young girl does not, in polite +society, "pop the question" to her by mail, unless she happens, +at the time, to be out of the city or otherwise unable to +"receive." It is often advisable, however, after she has said +"yes," to write a letter to her father instead of calling on him +to ask for his permission to the match, as a personal interview +is often apt to result unsatisfactorily. In writing these letters +to prospective fathers-in-law, the cardinal point is, of course, +the creation by the young man of a good impression in the mind of +the father, and for this purpose he should study to make his +letter one which will appeal irresistibly to the older +gentleman's habits and tastes. + +Thus, in writing to a father who is above everything else a +"business man," the following form is suggested: + +A Correct Letter to a Prospective Father-in-Law Who Is a Business +Man + + My letter, + 10-6-22 + Your letter, + In reply please refer to: -------- + File--Love--personal-- + N. Y.--1922 + No. G, 16 19 +Mr. Harrison Williams, +Vice-Pres. Kinnear-Williams Mfg. Co., +Buffalo, N. Y. + +DEAR SIR: + +Confirming verbal message of even date re: being in love with +your daughter, this is to advise that I am in love with your +daughter. Any favorable action which you would care to take in +this matter would be greatly appreciated. + Yours truly, + EDWARD FISH. +Copy to your Daughter per E. F. + " " " Wife +EF/F + + +Or, should the girl's father be prominent in the advertising +business, the following would probably create a favorable +impression, especially if printed on a blotter or other useful +article: + +A Correct Letter to a Prospective Father-in-Law Who Is in the +Advertising Business + +JUST A MOMENT! + +Have you ever stopped to consider the problem of grandchildren? + +Do you know, for example, that ONLY 58% of the fathers in America +are GRANDFATHERS? + +Did it ever occur to you that only 39% of the grandfathers in +America EVER HAVE GRANDCHILDREN? + +Honestly, now, don't there come moments, after the day's work is +done and you are sitting in your slippers before the fire, when +you would give any thing in the world for a soft little voice to +call you GRANDPA? + +Be fair to your daughter +Give her a College educated husband! +COMPLIMENTS OF EDWARD FISH + + +Perhaps, if the old gentleman is employed in the Credit +Department of Brooks Brothers, Frank Brothers, or any one of the +better class stores, the following might prove effective: + +A Correct Letter to a Prospective Father-in-Law Who Is Employed +in a Credit Department + +MY DEAR MR. ROBERTS: 10-6-22 + +I am writing you in regard to a little matter of matrimony which +no doubt you have overlooked in the press of business elsewhere. +This is not to be considered as a "dun" but merely as a gentle +reminder of the fact that it would be extremely agreeable if you +could see fit to let me marry your daughter before the first of +next month. I feel sure that you will give this matter your +immediate attention. + Yours truly, + ED. FISH. + + 11-2-22 +DEAR MR. ROBERTS: + +As you have not as yet replied to my communication of 10-6-22 +regarding marriage to your daughter, I presume that you were not +at the time disposed to take care of the matter to which I +referred. I feel sure that upon consideration you will agree that +my terms are exceedingly liberal and I must therefore request +that you let me have some word from you before the first of next +month. + Yours truly, + EDWARD FISH. + + (Registered Mail) 12-2-22 +DEAR SIR: + +You have not as yet replied to my communication of 10-6-22 and +11-2-22. I should regret exceedingly being forced to place this +matter in the hands of my attorneys, Messrs. Goldstein and +Nusselmann, 41 City Nat'l Bank Bldg. + E. FISH. + + +Of course, it would never do to carry this series to its +conclusion and if no reply is received to this last letter it +might be well to call on the gentleman in his place of +business--or, possibly, it might even be better to call off the +engagement. "None but the brave deserve the fair"--but there is +also a line in one of Byron's poems which goes, I believe, "Here +sleep the brave." + + +LOVE LETTERS + +A young man corresponding with his fiancee is never, of course, +as formal as in his letters to other people. This does not mean, +however, that his correspondence should be full of silly +meaningless "nothings." On the contrary, he should aim to +instruct and benefit his future spouse as well as convey to her +his tokens of affection. The following letter well illustrates +the manner in which a young man may write his fiancee a letter +which, while it is replete with proper expressions of amatory +good will, yet manages to embody a fund of sensible and useful +information: + +A Correct Letter from a Young Man Traveling in Europe to His +Fiancee + +MY DEAREST EDITH: + +How I long to see you--to hold tight your hand--to look into your +eyes. But alas! you are in Toledo and I am in Paris, which, as +you know, is situated on the Seine River near the middle of the +so-called Paris basin at a height above sea-level varying from 85 +feet to 419 feet and extending 7 1/2 miles from W. to E. and 5 +1/2 miles from N. to S. But, dearest, I carry your image with me +in my heart wherever I go in this vast city with its population +(1921) of 2,856,986 and its average mean rainfall Of 2.6 inches, +and I wish--oh, how I wish--that you might be here with me. +Yesterday, for example, I went to the Pere Lachaise cemetery +which is the largest (106 acres) and most fashionable cemetery in +Paris, its 90,148 (est.) tombs forming a veritable open-air +sculpture gallery. And what do you think I found there which made +me think of you more than ever? Not the tombs of La Fontaine (d. +1695) and Moliere (d. 1673) whose remains, transferred to this +cemetery in 1804, constituted the first interments--not the last +resting place of Rosa Bonheur (d. 1899) or the victims of the +Op<ra Comique fire (1887)--no, dearest, it was the tomb of +Abelard and Heloise, those late 11th early 12th century lovers, +and you may well imagine what thoughts, centering upon a young +lady whose first name begins with E, filled my heart as I gazed +at this impressive tomb, the canopy of which is composed of +sculptured fragments collected by Lenoir from the Abbey of +Nogent-sur-Seine (Aube). + +Edith dearest, I am sitting in my room gazing first at your dear +picture and then out of my window at the Eiffel Tower which is +the tallest structure in the world, being 984 feet high +(Woolworth Building 750 feet, Washington Obelisk 555 feet, Great +Pyramid 450 feet). And although it may sound too romantic, yet it +seems to me, dearest, that our love is as strong and as sturdy as +this masterpiece of engineering construction which weighs 7,000 +tons, being composed of 12,000 pieces of metal fastened by +2,500,000 iron rivets. + +Farewell, my dearest one--I must go now to visit the Catacombs, a +huge charnelhouse which is said to contain the remains of nearly +three million persons, consisting of a labyrinth of galleries +lined with bones and rows of skulls through which visitors are +escorted on the first and third Saturday of each month at 2 P. M. +I long to hold you in my arms. + Devotedly, + PAUL. + + +CORRESPONDENCE OF PUBLIC OFFICIALS + +Congressmen and other public officials are as a rule more careful +correspondents than are men whose letters are never to be seen by +the public at large. There is a certain well-defined form for a +letter meant for public consumption which distinguishes it from +correspondence of a more private nature. Thus a Congressman, +writing a "public letter," would cast it in the following form: + +A Correct "Public Letter" from a Congressman + +Mr. Ellison Lothrop, +Vice-Pres. Washington Co.. "Better Citizenship" League, + +MY DEAR MR. LOTHROP: + +You have requested that I give to the Washington County Better +Citizenship League, of which you are an active vice-president, +some expression of my views upon the question of Prohibition. + +Sir, can there be any doubt as to the belief of every right +thinking American citizen in this matter? The Eighteenth +Amendment is here and here, thank God, to stay! The great benefit +which Prohibition has done to the poor and the working classes is +reason enough for its continued existence. It is for the +manufacturers, the professional class, the capitalists to give up +gladly whatever small pleasure they may have derived from the use +of alcohol, in order that John Jones, workingman, may have money +in the bank and a happy home, instead of his Saturday night +debauch. In every democracy the few sacrifice for the many--"the +greatest good of the greatest number" is the slogan. And I, for +one, am proud to have been a member of that legislative body +which passed so truly God-bidden and democratic an act as the +Eighteenth Amendment. + +I beg to remain, with best wishes to your great +organization, + Sincerely yours, + WALTER G. TOWNSLEY. + + +A Correct Private Letter of a Congressman + +DEAR BOB: + +Tell that fellow on Mulberry Street that I will pay $135 a case +for Scotch and $90 for gin DELIVERED and not a cent more. + W. G. T. + + +{illustration caption = +The problem of an introduction when there is no mutual +acquaintance is sometimes perplexing. But the young man, having +had the good taste to purchase a copy of PERFECT BEHAVIOR, is +having no difficulty. He has fastened a rope across the sidewalk +in front of the lady's house and, with the aid of a match and +some kerosene, has set fire to the house. Driven by the heat, the +young lady will eventually emerge and in her haste will fall over +the rope. To a gentleman of gallantry and ingenuity the rest +should be comparatively simple.} + +{illustration caption = +A knowledge of the language of flowers is essential to a +successful courtship and may avoid much unnecessary pain. With +the best intentions in the world the young man is about to +present the young lady with a flower of whose meaning he is in +total ignorance. The young lady, being a faithful student of +PERFECT BEHAVIOR, knows its exact meaning and it will be +perfectly correct for her to turn and, with a frigid bow, break +the pot over the young man's head. Alas, how differently this +romance might have ended if the so-called "friends" of the young +man had tactfully but firmly pointed out to him the value of a +book on etiquette such as PERFECT BEHAVIOR.} + + + +LETTERS TO NEWSPAPERS, MAGAZINES, ETC. + +Another type of public correspondence is the letter which is +intended for publication in some periodical. This is usually +written by elderly gentlemen with whiskers and should be cast in +the following form: + + +A Correct Letter from an Elderly Gentleman to the Editor of a +Newspaper or Magazine + +To the Editor: +SIR: + +On February next, Deo volente, I shall have been a constant +reader of your worthy publication for forty-one years. I feel, +sir, that that record gives me the right ipso facto to offer my +humble criticism of a statement made in your November number by +that worthy critic of the drama, Mr. Heywood Broun. Humanum est +errare, and I am sure that Mr. Broun (with whom I have +unfortunately not the honour of an acquaintance) will forgive me +for calling his attention to what is indeed a serious, and I +might say, unbelievable, misstatement. In my younger days, now +long past, it was not considered infra dig for a critic to reply +to such letters as this, and I hope that Mr. Broun will deem this +epistle worthy of consideration, and recognize the justice of my +complaint. + +I remember well a controversy that raged between critic and +public for many weeks in the days when Joe Jefferson was playing +Rip Van Winkle. Ah, sir, do you remember (but, of course, you +don't) that entrance of Joe in the first act with his dog +Schneider? That was not my first play by many years, but I +believe that it is still my favorite. I think the first time I +ever attended a dramatic performance was in the winter of '68 +when I was a student at Harvard College. Five of us freshmen went +into the old Boston Museum to see Our American Cousin. Joe +Chappell was with us that night and the two Dawes boys and, I +think, Elmer Mitchell. One of the Dawes twins was, I believe, +afterwards prominent in the Hayes administration. There were many +men besides Will Dawes in that Harvard class who were heard from +in later years. Ed Twitchell for one, and "Sam" Caldwell, who was +one of the nominees for vice president in '92. I sat next to Sam +in "Bull" Warren's Greek class. THERE was one of the finest +scholars this country has ever produced--a stern taskmaster, and +a thorough gentleman. It would be well for this younger +generation if they could spend a few hours in that old classroom, +with "Bull" pacing up and down the aisle and all of us trembling +in our shoes. But Delenda est Carthago--fuit Ilium--Requiescat in +pace. I last saw "Bull" at our fifteenth reunion and we were all +just as afraid of him as in the old days at Hollis. + +But I digress. Tempus fugit,--which reminds me of a story "Billy" +Hallowell once told at a meeting of the American Bar Association +in Minneapolis, in 1906. Hallowell was perhaps the most brilliant +after-dinner speaker I have ever heard--with the possible +exception of W. D. Evarts. I shall never forget the speech that +Evarts made during the second Blaine campaign. + +But I digress. Your critic, Mr. Heywood Broun, says on page 33 of +the November issue of your worthy magazine that The Easiest Way +is the father of all modern American tragedy. Sir, does Mr. Broun +forget that there once lived a man named William Shakespeare? Is +it possible to overlook such immortal tragedies as Hamlet and +Othello? I think not. Fiat justitia, ruat colum. + Sincerely, + SHERWIN G. COLLINS. + + +A Correct Letter from an Indignant Father to an Editor of Low +Ideals + +To the Editor: Sir: + +I have a son--a little fourteen-year-old boy who proudly bears my +name. This lad I have brought up with the greatest care. I have +spared no pains to make him an upright, moral, God-fearing youth. + +I had succeeded, I thought, in inculcating in him all those +worthy principles for which our Puritan fathers fought +and--aye--died. I do not believe that there existed in our +neighborhood a more virtuous, more righteous boy. + +From his earliest childhood until now Mrs. Pringle and I have +kept him carefully free from any suggestion of evil. We have put +in his hands only the best and purest of books; we have not +allowed him to attend any motion picture performances other than +the yearly visit of the Burton Holmes travelogues, and, last +year, a film called Snow White and Rose Red; we have forbidden +him to enter a theater. Roland (for that is his name) has never +in his life exhibited any interest in what is known as sex. + +Sir, you may imagine my chagrin when my Roland--my boy who, for +fourteen years, I have carefully shielded from sin--rushed in +last night to where Mrs. Pringle and I were enjoying our evening +game of Bezique, bearing in his hand a copy of your magazine +which, I presume, he had picked up at some so-called friend's +house. "Papa, look," said my boy to me, pointing to the cover of +the magazine. "What are these?" + +Sir, I looked. Mrs. Pringle gave a shriek, and well may she have. +My boy was pointing to a cover on which was what is called--in +barroom parlance--a "nude." And not ONE nude but TWELVE! + +Sir, you have destroyed the parental labors of fourteen years. I +trust you are satisfied. + Yours, etc., + EVERETT G. PRINGLE. + +A Letter from a Member of the Lower Classes. Particular pains +should be taken in answering such letters as it should always be +our aim to lend a hand to those aspiring toward better things. + +To the Editor: +Dear Sir: + +I am a motorman on the Third Ave. South Ferry local, and the +other day one of the passengers left a copy of your magazine on +my car and I want to ask you something which maybe you can tell +me and anyway it don't do no harm to ask what I want to know is +will it be O. K to wear a white vest with a dinner coat this +coming winter and what color socks I enclose stamps for reply. + Yrs. + ED. WALSH. + +A Correct Letter to the Lost and Found Department of a +Periodical, inquiring for a Missing Relative. This should be +referred to the persons mentioned in the letter who will probably +take prompt and vigorous action. + +Literary Editors: +Dear Sirs: + +I have been very much interested in the clever work of Nancy and +Ernest Boyd which has been appearing in your magazine, and I +wonder if you could take the time to give me a little piece of +information about them. You see there was a Nancy Boyd (her +mother was Nancy Kroomen of Beaver Dam) and her bro. Ernest, who +was neighbors to us for several years, and when they moved I sort +of lost track of them. You know how those things are. But it's a +small world after all, isn't it? and I shouldn't be at all +surprised if this was the same party and, if it is, will you say +hello to Nancy for me, and tell Ernest that Ed. Gold still comes +down from Akron to see E. W. every Saturday. He'll know who I +mean. + Ever sincerely, + MAY WINTERS. + + +LETTERS TO STRANGERS + +In writing to a person with whom you have only a slight +acquaintance, it is a sign of proper breeding to attempt to show +the stranger that you are interested in the things in which he is +interested. Thus, for example, if you were to write a letter to a +Frenchman who was visiting your city for the first time, you +would endeavor, as in the following example, to speak to him in +his own idiom and put him at his ease by referring to the things +with which he is undoubtedly familiar. It is only a "boor" who +seeks to impose his own hobbies and interests upon a stranger, +disregarding entirely the presumable likes and dislikes of the +latter. + + +A CORRECT LETTER TO A FRENCH VISITOR + +Monsieur Jules La Chaise, +Hotel Enterprise, +City. + +MONSIEUR: + +I hope that you have had a bon voyage on your trip from la belle +France, and my wife and I are looking forward to welcoming you to +our city. Although I cannot say, as your great king Louis XV. so +justly remarked, "L'etat, c'est moi," yet I believe that I can +entertain you comme il faut during your stay here. But all bon +mots aside, would you care to join us this afternoon in a ride +around the city? If you say the word, voila! we shall be at your +hotel in our automobile and I think that you will find here much +that is interesting to a native of Lafayette's great country and +especially to a citizen of Paris. Did you know, for example, that +this city manufactures 38% of the toilet soap and perfumery je ne +sais quoi which are used in this state? Of course, our sewers are +not to be compared to yours, mon Dieu, but we have recently +completed a pumping station on the outskirts of the city which I +think might almost be denominated an objet d'art. + +I am enclosing a visitor's card to the City Club here, which I +wish you would use during your stay. I am sure that you will find +there several bon vivants who will be glad to join you in a game +of vingt et un, and in the large room on the second floor is a +victrola with splendid instrumental and vocal records of "La +Marseillaise." + +Au revoir until I see you this afternoon. + Robert C. Crocker. + + +And above all, in writing to strangers or comparative strangers, +seek to avoid the mention of subjects which might be distasteful +to the recipient of the letter. Many a friendship has been +utterly ruined because one of the parties, in her correspondence +or conversation, carelessly referred to some matter--perhaps some +physical peculiarity--upon which the other was extremely +sensitive. The following letter well illustrates how the use of a +little tact may go "a long way." + + +A CORRECT LETTER TO A BEARDED LADY + +My dear Mrs. Lenox: + +I wonder if you would care to go with us to the opera Wednesday +evening? The Cromwells have offered us their box for that night, +which accounts for our selection of that particular evening. +"Beggars cannot be choosers," and while personally we would all +rather go on some other night, yet it is perhaps best that we do +not refuse the Cromwells' generous offer. Then, too, Wednesday is +really the only evening that my husband and I are free to go, for +the children take so much of our time on other nights. I do hope, +therefore, that you can go with us Wednesday to hear "The Barber +of Seville." + Sincerely, + Esther G. (Mrs. Thomas D.) Franklin. + + +INVITATIONS + +The form of the invitation depends a great deal upon the +character of the function to which one wishes to invite the +guests to whom one issues the invitation. Or, to put it more +simply, invitations differ according to the nature of the party +to which one invites the guests. In other words, when issuing +invitations to invited guests one must have due regard for the +fact that these invitations vary with the various types of +entertainments for which one issues the invitations. That is to +say, one would obviously not send out the same form of invitation +to a wedding as to a dinner party, and vice versa. This is an +iron-clad rule in polite society. + +For example, a gentleman and lady named Mr. and Mrs. Weems, +respectively, living at 1063 Railroad Ave., wishing to invite a +gentleman named Mr. Cleek to dinner, would send him the following +engraved invitation: + +MR. AND MRS. LIONEL THONG WEEMS + +request the pleasure of + +MR. WALLACE TlLFORD CLEEK'S + +company at dinner + +on Tuesday January the tenth + +at half after seven o'clock + +1063 Railroad Avenue. + + +This invitation would of course be worded differently for +different circumstances, such as, for example, if the name of the +people giving the party wasn't Weems or if they didn't live at +1063 Railroad Ave., or if they didn't have any intention of +giving a dinner party on that particular evening. + +Many prospective hostesses prefer to send written notes instead +of the engraved invitation, especially if the dinner is to be +fairly informal. This sort of invitation should, however, be +extremely simple. I think that most well-informed hostesses would +agree that the following is too verbose: + + +DEAR MR. BURPEE. + +It would give us great pleasure if you would dine with us on +Monday next at seven-thirty. By the way, did you know that Mr. +Sheldon died yesterday of pneumonia? + Cordially, + ESTELLE G. BESSERABO. + + +For receptions in honor of noted guests, word the invitation in +this manner: + + +MR. AND MRS. CORNELIUS VANDERBILT + +request the pleasure of your company + +on Friday evening February sixth + +from nine to twelve + +AT DELMONICO'S + +to meet Asst. Fire-Chief CHARLEY SCHMIDT and + +Mrs. SCHMIDT + + +Invitations to graduating exercises are worded thus: + +THE SENIOR CLASS + +of the + +SOUTH ROCHESTER FEMALE DENTAL INSTITUTE + +requests the honor of your presence at the + +Commencement Exercises + +on Tuesday evening, June the fifth + +at eight o'clock + +MASONIC OPERA HOUSE + +"That Six- Orchestra. + + +ACCEPTANCES AND REGRETS + +Responses to invitations usually take the form of "acceptances" +or "regrets." It is never correct, for example, to write the +following sort of note: + +DEAR MRS. CRONICK: + +Your invitation for the 12th inst. received and in reply would +advise that I am not at the present time in a position to signify +whether or not I can accept. Could you at your convenience +furnish me with additional particulars re the proposed +affair--number of guests, character of refreshments, size of +orchestra, etc.? Awaiting an early reply, I am, + Yours truly, + ALFRED CASS NAPE. + + +If one wishes to attend the party, one "accepts" on a clean sheet +of note-paper with black ink from a "fountain" pen or inkwell. A +hostess should not, however, make the mistake of thinking that a +large number of "acceptances" implies that anybody really wishes +to attend her party. + +The following is a standard form of acceptance: + + +Dr. Tanner accepts with pleasure the kind invitation of Mrs. +Frederick Cummings Bussey for Thursday evening, December twelfth, +at half after eight. + +This note need not be signed. The following "acceptance" is +decidedly demode: + +DEAR MRS. ASTOR: + +Will I be at your ball? Say, can a duck swim? +Count on me sure. FRED. + + +It is also incorrect and somewhat boorish to write "accepted" +across the face of the invitation and return it signed to the +hostess. + +If one does not care to attend the party, one often sends one's +"regrets" although one just as often sends one's "acceptances," +depending largely upon the social position of one's hostess. The +proper form of "regret" is generally as follows: + + +Alice Ben Bolt regrets that she will be unable to accept the kind +invitation of Major General and Mrs. Hannafield for Wednesday +evening at half after eight. + + +Sometimes it is better to explain in some manner the cause of the +"regret," as for example: + + +Alice Ben Bolt regrets that, owing to an ulcerated tooth in the +left side of her mouth, and severe neuralgic pains all up and +down her left side, she will be unable to accept the kind +invitation of Major General and Mrs. Hannafield for Wednesday +evening at half after eight, at "The Bananas." + +This is not, however, always necessary. + +{illustration caption = +This is an admirable picture with which to test the "kiddies' " +knowledge of good manners at a dinner table. It will also keep +them occupied as a puzzle picture since the "faux pas" +illustrated herewith will probably not be apparent to the little +ones except after careful examination. If, however, they have +been conscientiously trained it will not be long, before the +brighter ones discover that the spoon has been incorrectly left +standing in the cup, that the coffee is being served from the +right instead of the left side, and that the lettering of the +motto on the wall too nearly resembles the German style to be +quite "au fait" in the home of any red-blooded American citizen.} + + +{illustration caption = +Dessert has been reached and the gentleman in the picture is +perspiring freely--in itself a deplorable breach of etiquette. He +has been attempting all evening to engage the ladies on either +side of him in conversation on babies, Camp's Reducing Exercises, +politics, Camp's Developing Exercises, music or Charlie Chaplin, +only to be rebuffed by a haughty chin on the one hand and a cold +shoulder on the other. If he had taken the precaution to consult +Stewart's Lightning Calculator of Dinner Table Conversation (one +of the many aids to social success to be found in PERFECT +BEHAVIOR) he would have realized the bad taste characterizing his +choice of topics and would not have made himself a marked figure +at this well-appointed dinner table.} + + + +CHAPTER NINE: THE ETIQUETTE OF DINNERS AND BALLS + +FORMAL DINNERS IN AMERICA + +Eating is an extremely old custom and has been practiced by the +better classes of society almost without interruption from +earliest times. And "society," like the potentate of the parable +whose touch transformed every object into gold, has embellished +and adorned the all-too-common habit of eating, until there has +been evolved throughout the ages that most charming and exquisite +product of human culture--the formal dinner party. The gentleman +of today who delightedly dons his dress suit and escorts into a +ten-course dinner some lady mountain climber or other celebrity, +is probably little aware of what he owes to his forefathers for +having so painstakingly devised for him such a pleasant method of +spending his time. + +But "before one runs, one must learn to walk"--and the joys of +the dinner-party are not to be partaken of without a long +preliminary course of training, as many a young man has learned +to his sorrow when he discovered that his inelegant use of knife +and fork was causing humorous comment up and down the "board" and +was drawing upon himself the haughty glances of an outraged +hostess. The first requisite of success in dining out is the +possession of a complete set of correct table manners--and these, +like anything worth while, can be achieved only by patient study +and daily practise. + + +TABLE MANNERS FOR CHILDREN + +AS a matter of fact, it is never too early to begin to acquire +the technique of correct eating, and the nursery is the best +possible place for the first lessons in dining-room behavior. +Children should be taught at an early age the fundamentals of +"table" manners in such a way that by the time they have reached +the years of manhood the correct use of knife, fork, spoon and +fingerbowl is to them almost second nature. But the parents +should remember, above everything else, to instruct their +children in such a way that the pupil takes pleasure in his +lessons. This is the method which is employed today in every +successful school or "kindergarten"; this is the method which +really produces satisfactory results. + +Thus, for example, if you are a father and your boy Edward +persists in bringing his pet tadpole to the table in a glass jar, +you should not punish or scold him; a much more effective and +graphic method of correcting this habit would be for you to +suddenly pick up the tadpole one day at luncheon and swallow it. +No whipping or scolding would so impress upon the growing boy the +importance of the fact that the dinner table is not the place for +pets. + +Another effective way of teaching table manners to children +consists in making up attractive games about the various lessons +to be learned. Thus, whenever you have guests for dinner, the +children can play "Boner" which consists in watching the visitor +closely all during the meal in order to catch him in any +irregularity in table etiquette. As soon as the guest has +committed a mistake, the first Child to discover it points his +finger at him and shouts, "Pulled a Boner, Pulled a Boner!" and +the boy or girl who discovers the greatest number of "Boners" +during the evening is rewarded with a prize, based on the +following table of points: + + If the guest has dirty hands, 5 points. + If the guest uses wrong fork or spoon, 5 points. + If the guest chokes on bone, 8 points. + If the guest blows on soup, 5 points. + If the guest drops fork or spoon, 3 points. + If the guest spills soup on table, 10 points. + If the guest spills soup on self, 1 point. + + +Of course it is often well to tell the guests about the game in +advance in order that they may not feel embarrassed but will +enter thoroughly into the spirit of this helpful sport. + + +A CHILD'S GARDEN OF ETIQUETTE + +Children can also acquire knowledge more easily if it is imparted +to them in the form of verse or easy rhymes, and many valuable +facts about the dinner table can be embodied in children's +verses. A few of these which I can remember from my own happy +childhood are as follows: + + Oh, wouldn't it be jolly + To be a nice hors d'oeuvre + And just bring joy to people + Whom fondest you were of. + + Soup is eaten with a spoon + But not to any haunting tune. + + Oysters live down in the sea + In zones both temp. and torrid, + And when they are good they are very good indeed, + And when they are bad they are horrid. + + My papa makes a lovely Bronx + With gin so rare and old, + And two of them will set you right + But four will knock you cold. + + The boys with Polly will not frolic + Because she's eaten too much garlic. + Mama said the other day, + "A little goes a long, long way." + + A wind came up out of the sea + And said, "Those dams are not for me." + + Uncle Frank choked on a bone + From eating shad au gratin + Aunt Ethel said it served him right + And went back to her flat in + NEWARK (spoken) + Poor Uncle Frank! (chanted) + + I love my little finger bowl + So full of late filet of sole. + + Cousin George at lunch one day + Remarked, "That apple looks quite tasty. + Now George a dentist's bill must pay + Because he was so very hasty. + The proverb's teachings we must hold + "All that glitters is not gold." + And mama said to George, "Oh, shoot, + You've gone and ruined my glass fruit." + + Jim broke bread into his soup, + Jim knocked Mrs. Vanderbilt for a loop. + Kate drank from her finger bowl, + Kate knocked Mrs. Vanderbilt for a goal. + Children who perform such tricks + Are socially in Class G-6. + + +ETIQUETTE IN THE SCHOOL + +OF course, as the children become older, the instruction should +gradually come to embrace all forms of correct behaviour, and the +youthful games and rhymes should give way to the more complex and +intricate problems of mature social etiquette. It is suggested +that the teachings during this period may be successfully +combined with the young gentleman's or lady's other schoolroom +studies; in the case of mathematics, for example, the instruction +might be handled in somewhat the following manner: + + +A Problem in Mathematics (7th grade) + +A swimmer starts across a stream which is 450 yards wide. He +swims for five minutes at the rate of three miles per hour, and +for three minutes at the rate of four miles per hour. He then +reaches the other bank, where he sees a young lady five feet ten +inches tall, walking around a tree, in a circle the circumference +of which is forty-two yards. + +A. What is the diameter of the circle? +B. How fast is the current flowing in the stream? +C. At what point would the swimmer land if there were no current +in the stream? +D. At what point does the swimmer actually land? +E. But suppose that he has no bathing suit on? + + +And so, when the young person has reached the age for his first +formal dinner party, he will undoubtedly be able to handle the +fundamentals of correct etiquette in a satisfactory manner. But, +as in every sport or profession, there are certain +refinements--certain niceties which come only after long +experience--and it is with a view of helping the ambitious +diner-out to master these more complex details, that I suggest +that he study carefully the following "unwritten laws" which +govern every dinner party. + +In the first place, a guest is supposed tacitly to consent to the +menu which the hostess has arranged, and the diner-out who makes +a habit of saying "Squab, you know, never agrees with me--I +wonder if I might have a couple of poached eggs," is apt to find +that such squeamishness does not pay in the long run. + +Practical jokes are never countenanced at a formal affair of this +sort. I do not mean that a certain amount of good-natured fun is +out of place, but such "stunts" as pulling the hostess' chair out +from under her--or gleefully kicking the shins of your neighbor +under the table and shouting "Guess who?"--are decidedly among +the "non-ests" of correct modern dinner-table behaviour. + +Then, too, it is now distinctly bad form to practise legerdemain +or feats of sleight-of-hand at a dinner party. Time was when it +was considered correct for a young man who could do card or other +tricks to add to the gayety of the party by displaying his skill, +but that time is past, and the guest of today, who thinks to make +a "hit" by pulling a live rabbit or a potted plant from the back +of the mystified hostess or one of the butlers, is in reality +only making a "fool" of himself if he only knew it. The same +"taboo" also holds good as concerns feats of juggling and no +hostess of today will, I am sure, ever issue a second invitation +to a young man who has attempted to enliven her evening by +balancing, on his nose, a knife, a radish, a plate of soup and a +lighted candle. "Cleverness" is a valuable asset but only up to a +certain point, and I know of one unfortunately "clever" young +chap who almost completely ruined a promising social career by +the unexpected failure of one of his pet juggling tricks and the +consequent dumping of a large dish of mashed potatoes on the head +of a vice-president of the Equitable Trust Company. Besides, +people almost always distrust "clever" persons. + +It does not "do," either, to "ride your hobby" at a dinner party, +and the real truth as to the cause of the sudden social ostracism +of young Freddie H----, a New York clubman of some years ago (now +happily deceased), is that on one occasion this young fellow, who +had developed a craze for marksmanship amounting almost to a +mania, very nearly ruined a dinner party given by a prominent +Boston society matron by attempting to shoot the whiskers off a +certain elderly gentleman, who happened to be a direct descendant +of John Smith and Priscilla Alden. + +It might also be remarked that the possession of certain physical +gifts--such as the ability to wriggle one's ears or do the +"splits"--is in itself no "open sesame" to lasting social +success. "Slow and sure" is a good rule for the young man to +follow, and although he may somewhat enviously watch his more +brilliant colleagues as they gain momentary applause by their +ability to throw their thumbs out of joint or squirt water +through a hole in their front teeth, yet he may console himself +with the thought that "the race is not always to the swift" and +that "Rome was not built in a day." The gifts of this world have +been distributed fairly equally, and you may be sure that the +young girl who has been born a ventriloquist very likely is +totally unable to spell difficult words correctly or carry even a +simple tune. Ventriloquism, by the way, is also passing out as a +form of dinner party diversion, and it is no longer considered a +priceless accomplishment to be able to make a dog bark or a baby +cry under the hostess's chair. + + +CONVERSATION AT DINNER + +Gradually, however, conversation--real conversation--is coming +into its own as the favorite pastime of dinner guests, and the +young man or lady who can keep the conversational "ball" rolling +is coming more and more into demand. Good conversationalists are, +I fear, born and not made--but by study and practise any +ambitious young man can probably acquire the technique, and, with +time, mould himself into the kind of person upon whom hostesses +depend for the success of their party. As an aid in this +direction I have prepared the following chart which I would +advise all my readers to cut out and paste in some convenient +place so that at their next dinner party it can be readily +consulted. + + +STEWART'S LIGHTNING CALCULATOR OF DINNER TABLE CONVERSATION + +This chart divides the dinner into its various courses, and under +each course is given what I call an "opening sentence," together +with your partner's probable reply and the topic which is then +introduced for discussion. And, most valuable of all, under each +such topic I have listed certain helpful facts which will enable +you to prolong the conversation along those lines until the +arrival of the next course, and the consequent opening of another +field for discussion. The chart follows: + +I. Cocktails. + +You say to the partner on your right: "What terrible gin!" She +(he) replies: "Perfectly ghastly." This leads to a discussion of: +Some Aspects of Alcohol. +Helpful Facts: + +1. An oyster soaked in alcohol becomes quite rigid in eleven +minutes. + +2. Senator Volstead was born Sept. 4, 1869. + +3. Alcohol, if taken in too great quantities, often produces +internal disorders. + +II. Oysters. + +You say to the partner on your right: "Think of being an oyster!" +She (he) replies: "How perfectly ghastly." +This leads to a discussion of: Home Life of Oysters. +Helpful Facts: + +1. The average life of an oyster is 38 days, 11 hours. + +2. Polygamy is practised among certain classes of oysters. + +3. The first oyster was eaten by Ossip Gatch, a Pole (d. 1783). + +III. Fish. + +You say to the partner at your right: "Do you enjoy fish?" +She (he) replies: "I simply adore fish." +This leads to a discussion of: Fish--Then, and Now. +Helpful Facts: + +1. Fish make notoriously bad pets, whereas seals can be taught to +do many novel tricks. +2. Gloucester (Mass.) smells badly in summer. +3. Gloucester (Mass.) smells badly in winter. + +IV. Meat. +You say to the partner at your right: "Have you ever been through +the Stock-Yards?" +She (he) replies: "No." ("Yes.") +This leads to a discussion of: "The Meat Industry in America." +Helpful Facts: + +1. Every time a street car goes over the Brooklyn Bridge, a steer +is killed in Chicago--and oftener. + +2. Raw beefsteak in quantities is harmful to children under two +years of age. + +3. A man died recently in Topeka, Kansas, weighing 312 pounds. + +4. Many prominent people live on the North Side of Chicago. + +V. Salad. + +You say to the partner at your right: "What is your favorite +salad?" +She (he) replies: "I don't know, what's yours?" +This leads to a discussion of: Favorite Things. +Helpful Facts: + +1. Richard Barthelmess is married. + +2. B. V. D. stands for "Best Value Delivered." + +3. Amy Lowell is fond of cigars. + +VI. Dessert. + +You say to the partner at your right: "I love ice cream." +She (he) replies: "So do I." +This leads to a discussion of: Love. +Helpful Facts: + +1. New York is the hardest state in which to get a divorce in +America. + +2. Dr. Sigmund Freud is now living in Vienna, Austria. + +3. D. H. Lawrence has a black beard. + + +BALLS AND DANCES + +In order to succeed in the modern ballroom, and especially in the +ballrooms of our exclusive country clubs, a young gentleman or +lady of fashion must today be possessed of the following two +requisites: i. A "Line." 2. A closed car. The latter of these +"sine qua nons" is now owned as a matter of course by most +families and is no longer regarded as a mark of distinction. The +former requisite, however, is not so common, but it is +nevertheless true that any young person with ambition and a good +memory can eventually acquire a quite effective "Line." It is a +great aid in this direction if one happens to have spent a year +or more at one of our leading eastern universities or "finishing +schools." These vary, of course, in degree of excellence, but it +does not pay to be dogmatic on this subject, and to those who +would insist that the Princeton "Line" is more effective than the +Harvard ditto, or that the Westover "Line" flows more smoothly +than that of Farmington or Spence, one can only say "De gustibus +non disputandum est." "Lines" vary also in accordance with the +different types of girls who happen to be using them, and (to +misquote a rather vulgar proverb) "What is one girl's food may be +another girl's poison." Thus it happens that the "Line" which is +most universally and interminably employed by the "beautiful" +type of girl (consisting, in its entirety, of the three words +"How perfectly priceless") would never in the world do for the +young miss whose chief asset is a kind heart or a love for really +good books. + + +{illustration caption = +The above diagram (one of man), filling the instructive and +refined pages of PERFECT BEHAVIOR) will serve as a model to any +debutante or dancing man who seriously sets out to achieve social +eminence. It is only fair to warn aspirants that rigid adherence +to the formula is essential and that any slight slackening of the +pace is likely to prove fatal. On the other hand, we confidently +guarantee complete success to those who, in reverence and faith, +keep the final goal always in sight. His (or hers) be it to keep +the sacred flame burning and to pass the torch along from father +to son, from mother to daughter till the end of time, or so long +as they do not make any mesalliances, which is just as important +in America, whatever may be said to the contrary, as among our +"English cousins."} + + + +MIXED DANCING + +Another quality which is often helpful on the dance floor, +especially to girls, is the ability to dance. This seems to have +become largely a trick of keeping abreast of the latest "mode" +and while, personally, I greatly regret the passing of the +stately lancers and other dignified "round dances," yet, if +"mixed dancing" has come to stay, it is the duty of every young +person to learn to dance as well as possible in the generally +accepted manner, even though this often involves some +compromising of one's amour propre. + +But in addition to all these necessary qualifications the really +great person--the true super man or woman of the ballroom--must +be possessed of that certain divine something, that je ne sais +quoi ability to rise superior to all occasions, to overcome the +most difficult situations, which has distinguished the great men +and women of all ages. Joan of Arc had it, George Washington had +it, Napoleon had it--and I venture to say that any of these +three, had they lived today, Would have been a social success. +But perhaps this fact can best be illustrated by taking a typical +instance in the ballroom in which "When duty whispered low "Thou +must,' the youth replied "I can.'" + + +HINTS FOR STAGS + +Let us suppose, for example, that you are a young man who has +been invited to a dance to be given at the East Shore Country +Club. It is your original intention, let us say, to attend as a +"stag," but on the afternoon of the party you receive a note from +a young lady of your acquaintance asking if you would be so kind +as to accompany to the ball a guest of hers, a "sweet girl from +South Orange" who was in her class at college. + +The correct costume for a dance of this sort is usually a dinner +coat with a black or white vest, and when you have robed yourself +correctly, you should drive in your car to the young lady's home. +There you are presented to the sweet girl from South Orange, who +is six feet tall and has protruding teeth. After the customary +words of greeting and a few brief bits of pleasantry, you set off +with your partner for the dance. + +Arrived at the East Shore Club, you find the party in "full +swing," and after shaking hands with your host and hostess, you +should ask your partner if she would care to dance. + +The first three times that she steps on your left foot, you +should politely murmur, "My fault." But when she begins to sing +in your ear it is proper to steer her over toward the "stag line" +in order to petition for an injunction or a temporary restraining +order. + +The "stag line" consists of a group of the wisest, shrewdest and +most hard-hearted young men ever gathered together under one +roof. The original purpose of a "stag line" was to provide a +place where unattached young men might stand while searching for +a partner, but the institution has now come to be a form of +Supreme Court, passing life or death sentence upon the various +debutantes who pass before it. + +After you have piloted your partner five times along the length +of this line you have a pretty fair idea as to her merits or +demerits, and, in this particular case, you have a pretty fair +idea as to just what the evening holds out for you. When the +music stops you should therefore lead the girl over to a chair +and ask to be allowed to bring her a glass of punch. + +Instead of going directly to the punch bowl, you should turn your +steps toward the "stag line." There you will find several young +men whom only as late as that afternoon you counted among your +very best friends, but who do not, at the present, seem to +remember ever having met you before. Seizing the arm of one of +these you say, "Tom, I want you to meet----" That is as far as +you will get, for Tom will suddenly interrupt you by remarking, +"Excuse me a minute, Ed--, I see a girl over there I've simply +got to speak to. I'll come right back." + +He will not come right back. He will not come back at all. And +after you have met with the same response from four other +so-called friends, you should return to the South Orange visitor +and "carry on." + +At the end of the second hour, however, your mind should begin to +clear, and if you are at all possessed of the qualifications for +future ballroom leadership, you should gradually throw off the +slough of despond and determine to make a fight for life, liberty +and the pursuit of happiness. And when the music has once more +ceased, you should ask your partner if she would not care to take +a jaunt in the open air. + +"I know a lovely walk," you should say, "across a quaint old +bridge." + +The rest is, of course, easy. Arrived in the middle of the quaint +old bridge, which leads across a cavern some three hundred feet +deep, you should quickly seize the tall college graduate, and +push her, not too roughly or ungentlemanly, off the bridge. + +And, if you are really a genius, and not merely "one of the +crowd" you will return to the ballroom and, going up to the young +lady who was responsible for your having met the sweet girl from +South Orange, you will offer her your arm, and smile invitingly. + +"I know a lovely walk," you will say, "across a quaint old +bridge." + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg Etext Perfect Behavior by Donald Ogden Stewart + diff --git a/old/old/pbhvr10.zip b/old/old/pbhvr10.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..0dc66ac --- /dev/null +++ b/old/old/pbhvr10.zip diff --git a/old/pbhvr10.txt b/old/pbhvr10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..3d08758 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/pbhvr10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4857 @@ +Project Gutenberg Etext Perfect Behavior by Donald Ogden Stewart + + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world, be sure to check +the copyright laws for your country before posting these files!! + +Please take a look at the important information in this header. +We encourage you to keep this file on your own disk, keeping an +electronic path open for the next readers. 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FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.04.29.93*END* + + + + + +Perfect Behavior by Donald Ogden Stewart + + + + + +Scanned by Charles Keller with OmniPage Professional OCR software + + + + + +PERFECT BEHAVIOR + +BY DONALD OGDEN STEWART + +A GUIDE FOR LADIES AND GENTLEMEN IN ALL SOCIAL CRISES + + + + +Those who are not self-possessed obtrude and pain us.--EMERSON + + + +PERFECT BEHAVIOR + +A parody outline of etiquette by the +Author of "A Parody Outline of History" + +The perfect gentleman is he who never unintentionally causes +pain.--OLD PROVERB + + + + +TO THE BRIDEGROOM WHOSE WEDDING WAS RUINED +BECAUSE THE BRIDE CAME DOWN THE AISLE +ON THE RIGHT INSTEAD OF THE LEFT +ARM OF HER FATHER +With Deepest Sympathy + + + + +Contents + +Chapter +I. THE ETIQUETTE OF COURTSHIP +A Few Words about Love--Curious Incident in a Yellow Taxicab--A +Silly Girl--Correct Introductions and how to Make Them--A +Well Known Congressman's Ludicrous Mistake in a Turkish +Bath--Cards and Flowers--Flowers and their Message in +Courtship--"A Clean Tooth Never Decays"--Receiving an +Invitation to Call--The Etiquette of Telephoning-A Telephone +Girl's Horrible End--Making the First Call--Conversation and +Some of its Uses--A Proper Call--The Proposal Proper-The Proposal +Improper--What Henry Wadsworth Longfellow Said to the +ex-Clergyman's Niece. + +II. THE ETIQUETTE OF ENGAGEMENTS AND WEDDINGS +The Historic Aspect--Announcing the Engagement--A Breton Fisher +Girl's Experience with a Traveling Salesman--The Bride-to-Be--The +Engagement Luncheon--Selecting the Bridal Party--Invitations and +Wedding Presents--A Good Joke on the Groom--"Madam, those are +my trousers"--Duties of the Best Man--A Demented Taxidermist's +Strange Gift -- The Bride's Tea--The Maid of Honor--What Aunt +Edna Saw on the Club Porch-The Bachelor Dinner and After-Some +Practical Uses for Bi-Carbonate of Soda--The Rehearsal --The +Bridal Dinner--A Church Wedding. + +III. THE ETIQUETTE OF TRAVEL +Hints for the Correct Pedestrianism--Description of a Walk around +Philadelphia with a Pueblo Indian in 1837--Travelling by Rail-- +Good Form on a Street Car--In the Subway--Fun with an Old +Gentleman's Whiskers--A Honeymoon in a Subway--Travelling under +Steam-A Correct Night in a Pullman-What Burton Holmes Found in +His Lower Berth. + +IV. AT THE CONCERT AND THE OPERA +Listening to a Symphony Orchestra--Curious Effect of Debussy's +"Apres-midi d'un Faune" and four gin fizzes on Uncle +Frederick--"No, fool like an old fool"--Correct Behavior at a +Piano Recital--Choosing One's Nearest Exit--In a Box at the +Opera--What a Kansas City Society Leader Did with Her Old +Victrola Records. + +V. ETIQUETTE FOR DRY AGENTS +Some Broader Aspects of Prohibition--Interesting Effect of Whisky +on Goldfish--The College Graduate as Dry Agent--Aunt Emily's +Amusing Experiences with a Quart of Gin Planning a Dry Raid on a +Masquerade Ball A Word About Correct Costumes--A California +Motion Picture Actress's Bad Taste--Good Form for Dry Agents +During a Raid-What the New York Clubman Said About Mr. Volstead. + +VI. A CHAPTER FOR SCHOOLGIRLS +Selecting a Proper School--Account of an Interesting Trip Down +the Eric Canal with Miss Spence--Correct Equipment for the +Schoolgirl --En Route--ln New York--A journey Around the +City--Description of the Visit of Ed. Pinaud to the Aquarium in +1858--The First Days in the New School--"After Lights" in a +Dormitory--An "Old Schoolgirl's" Confessions--Becoming +Acclimatized--A Visitor from Princeton-Strange Pets. + +VI. THE ETIQUETTE OF GAMES AND SPORTS +Golf as a Pastime--What Henry Ward Beecher Said When He Broke His +Niblic--An Afternoon at the Old Farm with the Dice--"Shoot you +for your ear trumpet, grandfather!"--Correct Behavior on a +Picnic--A Swedish Nobleman's Curious Method of Eating Potato +Chips--Boxing in American Society--A Good Joke on an Amateur +Boxer--"He didn't know it was Jack Dempsey!"--Bridge +Whist--Formal and Informal Drinking--A jolly Hallowe'en +Party -- Invitations -- Receiving the Guests--How to +Mystify--Games. + +VIII. CORRESPONDENCE AND INVITATIONS +Correspondence for Young Ladies--College Boys How to Order a Full +Dress Suit by Mail --Letters to Parents--A Prominent Retired +Bank President's Advice to Correspondents--Letters from +Parents--Peculiarities of the Divorce Laws of New York--Letters +to Prospective Fathers-in-Law--A Correct Form of Letter to a +Society Matron Asking Her How About that Grocery Bill for +Eighty-Two Dollars and Sixty-Seven Cents--Love +Letters--Correspondence of Public Officials---Letters to +Strangers--Letters to Newspapers, Magazines, etc.--Invitations, +Acceptances and Regrets. + +IX. THE ETIQUETTE OF DINNERS AND BALLS +Formal Dinners in America-Table Manners for Children--Removing +Stains from Gray Silk--A Child's Garden of Etiquette--Etiquette +in the School--Conversation at Dinner--What a New Jersey Lady Did +with Her Olive Seeds --Stewart's Lightning Calculator of Dinner +Table Conversation--"It Seems that Pat and Mike"--Balls and +Dances---Artificial Respiration--Mixed Dancing--Hints for Stags. + + +A Word of Warning and Encouragement + + + + +CHAPTER ONE: THE ETIQUETTE OF COURTSHIP + +A FEW WORDS ABOUT LOVE + +Courtship is one of the oldest of social customs, even antedating +in some countries such long-established usages as marriage, or +the wearing of white neckties with full evening dress. The +beginnings of the etiquette of courtship were apparently +connected in some way with the custom of "love" between the +sexes, and many of the old amatory forms still survive in the +modern courtship. It is generally agreed among students of the +history of etiquette that when "love" first began to become +popular among the better class of younger people they took to it +with such avidity that it was necessary to devise some sort of +rules for the conduct of formal or informal love-making. These +rules, together with various amendments, now constitute the +etiquette of courtship. + +Suppose, for example, that you are a young gentleman named +Richard Roe desirous of entering upon a formal courtship with +some refined young girl of fashion. You are also, being a college +graduate, engaged in the bond business. One morning there comes +into your financial institution a young lady, named Dorothy Doe, +who at once attracts your attention by her genteel manners, as +exemplified by the fact that she calls the president of your +company "father." So many young people seem to think it "smart" +to refer to their parents as "dad" or "my old man"; you are +certain, as soon as you hear her say "Hello, father" to your +employer, that she is undoubtedly a worthy object of courtship. + + +CORRECT INTRODUCTIONS; HOW TO MAKE THEM + +Your first step should be, of course, the securing of an +introduction. Introductions still play an important part in +social intercourse, and many errors are often perpetrated by +those ignorant of savoir faire (correct form). When introducing a +young lady to a stranger for example, it is not au fait (correct +form) to simply say, "Mr. Roe, I want you to shake hands with my +friend Dorothy." Under the rules of the beau monde (correct form) +this would probably be done as follows: "Dorothy (or Miss Doe), +shake hands with Mr. Roe." Always give the name of the lady +first, unless you are introducing some one to the President of +the United States, the Archbishop of Canterbury, a member of the +nobility above a baron, or a customer. The person who is being +"introduced" then extends his (or her) right ungloved hand and +says, "Shake." You "shake," saying at the same time, "It's warm +(cool) for November (May)," to which the other replies, "I'll say +it is." + +This brings up the interesting question of introducing two people +to each other, neither of whose names you can remember. This is +generally done by saying very quickly to one of the parties, "Of +course you know Miss Unkunkunk." Say the last "unk" very quickly, +so that it sounds like any name from Ab to Zinc. You might even +sneeze violently. Of course, in nine cases out of ten, one of the +two people will at once say, "I didn't get the name," at which +you laugh, "Ha! Ha! Ha!" in a carefree manner several times, +saying at the same time, "Well, well--so you didn't get the +name--you didn't get the name --well, well." If the man still +persists in wishing to know who it is to whom he is being +introduced, the best procedure consists in simply braining him on +the spot with a club or convenient slab of paving stone. + +The "introduction," in cases where you have no mutual friend to +do the introducing, is somewhat more difficult but can generally +be arranged as follows: + +Procure a few feet of stout manila rope or clothes-line, from any +of the better-class hardware stores. Ascertain (from the Social +Register, preferably) the location of the young lady's residence, +and go there on some dark evening about nine o'clock. Fasten the +rope across the sidewalk in front of the residence about six +inches or a foot from the ground. Then, with the aid of a match +and some kerosene, set fire to the young lady's house in several +places and retire behind a convenient tree. After some time, if +she is at home, she will probably be forced to run out of her +house to avoid being burned to death. In her excitement she will +fail to notice the rope which you have stretched across the +sidewalk and will fall. This is your opportunity to obtain an +introduction. Stepping up to her and touching your hat politely, +you say, in a well modulated voice, "I beg your pardon, Miss Doe, +but I cannot help noticing that you are lying prone on the +sidewalk." If she is well bred, she will not at first speak to +you, as you are a perfect stranger. This silence, however, should +be your cue to once more tip your hat and remark, "I realize, +Miss Doe, that I have not had the honor of an introduction, but +you will admit that you are lying prone on the sidewalk. Here is +my card--and here is one for Mrs. Doe, your mother." At that you +should hand her two plain engraved calling cards, each containing +your name and address. If there are any other ladies in her +family--aunts, grandmothers, et cetera--it is correct to leave +cards for them also. Be sure that the cards are clean, as the +name on the calling card is generally sufficient for +identification purposes without the addition of the thumbprint. + +When she has accepted your cards, she will give you one of hers, +after which it will be perfectly correct for you to assist her to +rise from the sidewalk. Do not, however, press your attentions +further upon her at this time, but after expressing the proper +regret over her misfortune it would be well to bow and retire. + + +{illustration caption = +Every one knows that table manners betray one's bringing-up +mercilessly. The young man in the picture has good reason to wish +a meteorite would fall on him. His perpendicularity has just been +restored by a deft upward movement of Aunt Harriet's shoulder, +upon which he had inadvertently rested his head during a quiet +snooze while Cousin Edna was making her little speech at the +Bridal Dinner. PERFECT BEHAVIOR would have Pasteurized him +against even Bridal Dinners.} + + +{illustration caption = +When a woman recognizes and nods to a man to whom she has been +formally introduced several times, or to whom she has been +married, is the man expected to accept the greeting and politely +lift his hat or should he lift both his hat and his toupee? +Street etiquette is disposed authoritatively and finally in +PERFECT BEHAVIOR.} + +{illustration caption = +You are, let us pretend, walking in the park. You come upon two +benches arranged as shown in the above diagram. Would you know +which bench it would be proper to sit on if you are (1) a young +man just out of college--(2) a rather homely young woman? To +avoid embarrassment look this up in PERFECT BEHAVIOR.} + + +{illustration caption = +A jolly crowd is boarding the 4:56 for a house-party in the +suburbs. The gentleman at the right, having been educated abroad, +has never learned to play the ukelele, the banjo, the jew's harp +or the saxophone, and is, with the best intentions in the world, +attempting to contribute his share to the gaiety of the coming +evenings by bringing along his player-piano. Would you--be +honest!--have recognized his action as a serious social blunder +without having referred to PERFECT BEHAVIOR?} + + +{illustration caption = +The young mother in the picture is traveling from one point to +another in a Pullman. In the effort to commit as great a nuisance +as possible, she has provided her child with a banana and a hard +boiled egg. Not having dipped into the chapter on travel in +PERFECT BEHAVIOR, she is ignorant of the fact that a peach would +have produced quite as much mess and far more permanent stains +and a folding cup for the water cooler would have spread the +disturbance over a wider area.} + + + +CARDS AND FLOWERS + +The next day, however, you should send flowers, enclosing another +of your cards. It might be well to write some message on the card +recalling the events of the preceding evening--nothing intimate, +but simply a reminder of your first meeting and a suggestion that +you might possibly desire to continue the acquaintanceship. +Quotations from poetry of the better sort are always appropriate; +thus, on this occasion, it might be nice to write on the card +accompanying the flowers--" "This is the forest primeval'--H. W. +Longfellow," or "'Take, oh take, those lips away'--W. +Shakespeare." You will find there are hundreds of lines equally +appropriate for this and other occasions, and in this connection +it might be well to display a little originality at times by +substituting pertinent verses of your own in place of the +conventional quotations. For example--"This is the forest +primeval, I regret your last evening's upheaval," shows the young +lady in question that not only are you well-read in classic +poetry, but also you have no mean talent of your own. Too much +originality, however, is dangerous, especially in polite social +intercourse, and I need hardly remind you that the floors of the +social ocean are watered with the tears of those who seek to walk +on their own hook. + +Within a week after you have sent the young lady the flowers, you +should receive a polite note of thanks, somewhat as follows: "My +dear Mr. Roe: Those lovely flowers came quite as a surprise. They +are lovely, and I cannot thank you enough for your +thoughtfulness. Their lovely fragrance fills my room as I write, +and I wish to thank you again. It was lovely of you." + + +FLOWERS AND THEIR MESSAGE IN COURTSHIP + +It is now time to settle down to the more serious business of +courtship. Her letter shows beyond the shadow of a figurative +doubt that she is "interested," and the next move is "up to you." +Probably she will soon come into the office to see her father, in +which case you should have ready at hand some appropriate gift, +such as, for example, a nice potted geranium. Great care should +be taken, however, that it is a plant of the correct species, for +in the etiquette of courtship all flowers have different meanings +and many a promising affair has been ruined because a suitor sent +his lady a buttercup, meaning "That's the last dance I'll ever +take you to, you big cow," instead of a plant with a more tender +significance. Some of the commoner flowers and their meaning in +courtship are as follows: + +Fringed Gentian--"I am going out to get a shave. Back at 3:30." + +Poppy--"I would be proud to be the father of your children." + +Golden-rod--"I hear that you have hay-fever." + +Tuberose--"Meet me Saturday at the Fourteenth Street subway +station." + +Blood-root--"Aunt Kitty murdered Uncle Fred Thursday." + +Dutchman's Breeches--"That case of Holland gin and Old Tailor has +arrived. Come on over." + +Iris--"Could you learn to love an optician?" + +Aster--"Who was that stout Jewish-looking party I saw you with in +the hotel lobby Friday?" + +Deadly Nightshade--"Pull down those blinds, quick!" + +Passion Flower--"Phone Main 1249--ask for Eddie." + +Raspberry--"I am announcing my engagement to Charlie O'Keefe +Tuesday." + +Wild Thyme--"I have seats for the Hippodrome Saturday afternoon." + + +The above flowers can also be combined to make different +meanings, as, for example, a bouquet composed of three tuberoses +and some Virginia creeper generally signifies the following, "The +reason I didn't call for you yesterday was that I had three inner +tube punctures, besides a lot of engine trouble in that old car I +bought in Virginia last year. Gosh, I'm sorry!" + +But to return to the etiquette of our present courtship. As Miss +Doe leaves the office you follow her, holding the potted plant in +your left hand. After she has gone a few paces you step up to +her, remove your hat (or cap) with your right hand, and offer her +the geranium, remarking, "I beg your pardon, miss, but didn't you +drop this?" A great deal depends upon the manner in which you +offer the plant and the way she receives it. If you hand it to +her with the flower pointing upward it means, "Dare I hope?" +Reversed, it signifies, "Your petticoat shows about an inch, or +an inch and a half." If she receives the plant in her right hand, +it means, "I am"; left hand, "You are"; both hands--"He, she or +it is." If, however, she takes the pot firmly in both hands and +breaks it with great force on your head, the meaning is usually +negative and your only correct course of procedure is a hasty bow +and a brief apology. + + +RECEIVING AN INVITATION TO CALL + +Let us suppose, however, that she accepts the geranium in such a +manner that you are encouraged to continue the acquaintance. Your +next move should be a request for an invitation to call upon her +at her home. This should, above all things, not be done crudely. +It is better merely to suggest your wish by some indirect method +such as, "Oh--so you live on William Street. Well, well! I often +walk on William Street in the evening, but I have never called on +any girl there--YET." The "yet" may be accompanied by a slight +raising of your eyebrows, a wink, or a friendly nudge with your +elbow. Unless she is unusually "dense" she will probably "take +the hint" and invite you to come and see her some evening. At +once you should say, "WHAT evening? How about TO-NIGHT?" If she +says that she is already engaged for that evening, take a +calendar out of your pocket and remark, "Tomorrow? Wednesday? +Thursday? Friday? I really have no engagements between now and +October. Saturday? Sunday?" This will show her that you are +really desirous of calling upon her and she will probably say, +"Well, I think I am free Thursday night, but you had better +telephone me first." + + +THE ETIQUETTE OF TELEPHONING + +On Thursday morning, therefore, you should go to a public +telephone-booth in order to call the young lady's house. The +etiquette of telephoning is quite important and many otherwise +perfectly well-bred people often make themselves conspicuous +because they do not know the correct procedure in using this +modern but almost indispensable invention. Upon entering the +telephone-booth, which is located, say, in some drug store, you +remove the receiver from the hook and deposit the requisite coin +in the coin box. After an interval of some minutes a young lady +(referred to as "Central") will ask for your "Number, please." +Suppose, for example, that you wish to get Bryant 4310. Remove +your hat politely and speak that number into the mouthpiece. +"Central" will then say, "Rhinelander 4310." To which you reply, +"NO, Central--BRYANT 4310." Central then says, "I beg your +pardon--Bryant 4310," to which you reply, "Yes, please." In a few +minutes a voice at the other end of the line says, "Hello," to +which you answer, "Is Miss Doe at home?" The voice then says, +"Who?" You say, "Miss Doe, please--Miss Dorothy Doe." You then +hear the following, "Wait a minute. Say, Charlie, is they anybody +works around here by the name of Doe? There's a guy wants to talk +to a Miss Doe. Here--you answer it." Another voice then says, +"Hello." You reply "Hello." He says, "What do you want?" You +reply, "I wish to speak to Miss Dorothy Doe." He says, "What +department does she work in?" You reply, "Is this the residence +of J. Franklin Doe, President of the First National Bank?" He +says, "Wait a minute." You wait a minute. You wait several. +Another voice--a new voice says-"Hello." You reply "Hello." He +says, "Give me Stuyvesant 8864." You say, "But I'm trying to get +Miss Doe--Miss Dorothy Doe." He says, "Who?" You say, "Is this +the residence of --" He says, "Naw--this is Goebel Brothers, +Wholesale Grocers--what number do you want?" You say, "Bryant +4310." He says, "Well, this is Rhinelander 4310." You then hang +up the receiver and count twenty. The telephone bell then rings, +and inasmuch as you are the only person near the phone you take +up the receiver and say, "Hello." A female voice, says, "Hello, +dearie--don't you know who this is?" You say, politely but +firmly, "No." She says, "Guess!" You guess "Mrs. Warren G. +Harding." She says, "No. This is Ethel. Is Walter there?" You +reply, "Walter?" She says, "Ask him to come to the phone, will +you? He lives up-stairs over the drug store. Just yell "Walter' +at the third door down the hall. Tell him Ethyl wants to speak to +him--no, wait--tell him it's Madge." Being a gentleman, you +comply with the lady's request. After bringing Walter to the +phone, you obligingly wait for some twenty minutes while he +converses with Ethel--no, Madge. When he has finished, you once +more enter the booth and tell "Central" you want Bryant 4310. +After a few minutes "Central" says, "What number did you call?" +You say patiently, "Bryant 4310." She replies, "Bryant 4310 has +been changed to Schuyler 6372." You ask for Schuyler 6372. +Finally a woman's voice says, "Yass." You say, "Is Miss Doe in?" +She replies, "Yass." You say, "May I speak to her?" She says, +"Who?" You reply, "You said Miss Doe was at home, didn't you?" +She replies, "Yass." You say, "Well, may I speak to her?" The +voice says, "Who?" You shout, "Miss Doe." The voice says, "She +ban out." You shriek, "Oh, go to hell!" and assuming a graceful, +easy position in the booth, you proceed to tear the telephone +from the wall. Later on in the day, when you have two or three +hours of spare time, you can telephone Miss Doe again and arrange +for the evening's visit. + + +MAKING THE FIRST CALL + +The custom of social "calls" between young men and young women is +one of the prettiest of etiquette's older conventions, and one +around which clusters a romantic group of delightful traditions. +In this day and generation, what with horseless carriages, +electric telephones and telegraphs, and dirigible gas bags, a +great many of the older forms have been allowed to die out, +greatly, I believe, to our discredit. "Speed, not manners," seems +to be the motto of this century. I hope that there still exist a +few young men who care enough about "good form" to study +carefully to perfect themselves in the art of "calling." Come, +Tom, Dick and Harry--drop your bicycles for an afternoon and fill +your minds with something besides steam engines and pneumatic +tires! + +The first call at the home of any young lady of fashion is an +extremely important social function, and too great care can not +be taken that you prepare yourself thoroughly in advance. It +would be well to leave your work an hour or two earlier in the +afternoon, so that you can go home and practice such necessary +things as entering or leaving a room correctly. Most young men +are extremely careless in this particular, and unless you +rehearse yourself thoroughly in the proper procedure you are apt +to find later on to your dismay that you have made your exit +through a window onto the fire-escape instead of through the +proper door. + + +CONVERSATION AND SOME OF ITS USES + +Your conversation should also be planned more or less in advance. +Select some topic in which you think your lady friend will be +interested, such as, for example, the removal of tonsils and +adenoids, and "read up" on the subject so that you can discuss it +in an intelligent manner. Find out, for example, how many people +had tonsils removed in February, March, April. Contrast this with +the same figures for 1880, 1890, 1900. Learn two or three amusing +anecdotes about adenoids. Consult Bartlett's "Familiar +Quotations" for appropriate verses dealing with tonsils and +throat troubles. Finally, and above all, take time to glance +through four or five volumes of Dr. Eliot's Five Foot Shelf, for +nothing so completely marks the cultivated man as the ability to +refer familiarly to the various volumes of the Harvard classics. + + +A PROPER CALL + +Promptly at the time appointed you should arrive at the house +where the young lady is staying. In answer to your ring a German +police dog will begin to bark furiously inside the house, and a +maid will finally come to the door. Removing your hat and one +glove, you say, "Is Miss Doe home?" The maid replies, "Yass, ay +tank so." You give her your card and the dog rushes out and bites +you on either the right or left leg. You are then ushered into a +room in which is seated an old man with a long white beard. He is +fast asleep. "Dot's grampaw," says the maid, to which you reply, +"Oh." She retires, leaving you alone with grampaw. After a while +he opens his eyes and stares at you for a few minutes. He then +says, "Did the dog bite you?" You answer, "Yes, sir." Grampaw +then says, "He bites everybody," and goes back to sleep. +Reassured, you light a cigaret. A little boy and girl then come +to the door, and, after examining you carefully for several +minutes, they burst into giggling laughter and run away. You feel +to see if you have forgotten to put on a necktie. A severe +looking old lady then enters the room. You rise and bow. "I am +Miss Doe's grandmother. Some one has been smoking in here," she +says, and sits down opposite you. Her remark is not, however, a +hint for a cigaret and you should not make the mistake of saying, +"I've only got Fatimas, but if you care to try one--" It should +be your aim to seek to impress yourself favorably upon every +member of the young lady's family. Try to engage the grandmother +in conversation, taking care to select subjects in which you feel +she would be interested. Conversation is largely the art of +"playing up" to the other person's favorite subject. In this +particular case, for example, it would be a mistake to say to +Miss Doe's grandmother, "Have you ever tried making synthetic +gin?" or "Do you think any one will EVER lick Dempsey?" A more +experienced person, and some one who had studied the hobbies of +old people, would probably begin by remarking, "Well, I see that +Jeremiah Smith died of cancer Thursday," or "That was a lovely +burial they gave Mrs. Watts, wasn't it?" If you are tactful, you +should soon win the old lady's favor completely, so that before +long she will tell you all about her rheumatism and what grampaw +can and can't eat. + +Finally Miss Doe arrives. Her first words are, "Have you been +waiting long? Hilda didn't tell me you were here," to which you +reply, "No--I just arrived." She then says, "Shall we go in the +drawing-room?" The answer to this is, "For God's sake, yes!" In a +few minutes you find yourself alone in the drawing-room with the +lady of your choice and the courtship proper can then begin. + +The best way to proceed is gradually to bring the conversation +around to the subject of the "modern girl." After your +preliminary remarks about tonsils and adenoids have been +thoroughly exhausted, you should suddenly say, "Well I don't +think girls--nice girls--are really that way." She replies, of +course, "WHAT way?" You answer, "Oh, the way they are in these +modern novels. This "petting,' for instance." She says, "WHAT +"petting'?" You walk over and sit down on the sofa beside her. +"Oh," you say, "these novelists make me sick--they seem to think +that in our generation every time a young man and woman are left +alone on a lounge together, they haven't a thing better to do +than put out the light and "pet.' It's disgusting, isn't it?" +"Isn't it?" she agrees and reaching over she accidentally pulls +the lamp cord, which puts out the light. + +On your first visit you should not stay after +12:30. + + +THE PROPOSAL PROPER + +About the second or third month of a formal courtship it is +customary for the man to propose matrimony, and if the girl has +been "out" for three or four years and has several younger +sisters coming along, it is customary for her to accept him. They +then become "engaged," and the courtship is concluded. + + + +CHAPTER TWO: THE ETIQUETTE OF ENGAGEMENTS AND WEDDINGS + +THE HISTORIC ASPECT + +"Matrimony," sings Homer, the poet, "is a holy estate and not +lightly to be entered into." The "old Roman" is right. + +A modern wedding is one of the most intricate and exhausting of +social customs. Young men and women of our better classes are now +forced to devote a large part of their lives to acting as brides, +grooms, ushers and bridesmaids at various elaborate nuptials. +Weeks are generally required in preparation for an up-to-date +wedding; months are necessary in recovering from such an affair. +Indeed, some of the participants, notably the bride and groom, +never quite get over the effects of a marriage. + +It was not "always thus." Time was when the wedding was a +comparatively simple. affair. In the Paleolithic Age, for +example, (as Mr. H. G. Wells of England points out in his able +"Outline of History"), there is no evidence of any particular +ceremony conjunctive with the marriage of "a male and a female." +Even with the advent of Neolithic man, a wedding seems to have +been consummated by the rather simple process of having the +bridegroom crack the bride over the head with a plain, +unornamented stone ax. There were no ushers--no bridesmaids. But +shortly after that (c- 10,329--30 B.C. to be exact) two young +Neoliths named Haig, living in what is now supposed to be +Scotland, discovered that the prolonged distillation of common +barley resulted in the creation of an amber-colored liquid which, +when taken internally, produced a curious and not unpleasant +effect. + +This discovery had--and still has--a remarkable effect upon the +celebration of the marriage rite. Gradually there grew up around +the wedding a number of customs. With the Haig brothers' +discovery of Scotch whiskey began, as a matter of course, the +institution of the "bachelor dinner." "Necessity is the mother of +invention," and exactly twelve years after the first "bachelor +dinner" came the discovery of bicarbonate of soda. From that time +down to the present day the history of the etiquette of weddings +has been that of an increasing number of intricate forms and +ceremonies, each age having added its particular bit of ritual. +The modern wedding may be said to be, therefore, almost an +"Outline of History" itself. + + +ANNOUNCING THE ENGAGEMENT + +LET us begin, first of all, with the duties of one of the minor +characters at a wedding --the Groom. Suppose that you are an +eligible young man named Richard Roe, who has just become +"engaged" to a young lady named Dorothy Doe. If you really intend +to "marry the girl," it is customary that some formal +announcement of the engagement be made, for which you must have +the permission of Miss Dorothy and her father. It is not +generally difficult to become engaged to most girls, but it will +surprise you to discover how hard it is to get the young lady +whom you believe to be your fiancee to consent to a public +announcement of the fact. The reason for this probably is that an +engagement which has been "announced" often leads to matrimony, +and matrimony, in polite society, often lasts for several years. +After you have secured the girl's permission, it is next +necessary that you notify her father of the engagement. In this +particular case, as he happens to be your employer, the +notification can take place in his office. First of all, however, +it would be advisable to prepare some sort of speech in advance. +Aim to put him as far as possible at his ease, lead up to the +subject gradually and tactfully. Abruptness is never "good form." +The following is suggested as a possible model. "Good morning, +Mr. Doe, say, I heard a good story from a traveling salesman last +night. It seems that there was a young married couple--(here +insert a good story about a young married couple). Wasn't that +RICH? Yes, sir, marriage is a great thing--a great institution. +Every young man ought to get married, don't you think? You do? +Well, Mr. Doe, I've got a surprise for you, (here move toward the +door). I'm going to (here open the door) marry (step out of the +room) your daughter" (close the door quickly). + + +THE BRIDE-TO-BE + +Before the public announcement of the engagement it is customary +for the bride-to-be to write personal letters to all other young +men to whom she happens to be engaged at the time. These notes +should be kindly, sympathetic and tactful. The same note can be +written to all, provided there is no chance of their comparing +notes. The following is suggested: + +"Dear Bob-- + +Bob, I want you to be the very first to know that I am engaged to +Richard Roe. I want you to like him, Bob, because he is a fine +fellow and I would rather have you like him than any one I know. +I feel that he and I shall be very happy together, and I want you +to be the first to know about it. Your friendship will always +remain one of the brightest things in my life, Bob, but, of +course, I probably won't be able to go to the Aiken dance with +you now. Please don't tell anybody about it yet. I shall never +forget the happy times you and I had together, Bob, and will you +please return those silly letters of mine. I am sending you +yours." + + +{illustration caption = +Nothing so completely betrays the "Cockney" as a faulty knowledge +of sporting terms. The young lady at the left has just returned +from the hunting field hand-in-hand with the dashing "lead," who +happens to be an eligible billionaire. Her hostess, the mother of +the sub-deb at the right, has greeted her by hissing, "S--o--o! I +see you've had a good day's hunting!" The use of this +unsportsmanlike expression--in stead of the correct "Hope you had +a good run," or "Where did you find?"--at once discloses the +hostess's mean origin and the young lady will almost certainly +never accept +another invitation to her house.} + +{illustration caption = +In this work-a-day world, one is likely to forget that there is +an etiquette of pleasure, just as there is an etiquette of +dancing or the opera. One often hears a charming hostess refuse +to invite this or that person to her home for a game of billiards +on the ground that he or she is a "bum sport" or a "rotten +loser." The above scene illustrates one of the little, but +conspicuous, blunders that people make. The gentleman, having +missed his fifth consecutive shot, has broken his cue over his +knee and is ripping the baize off the table with the sharp end. +This display is not in the best taste. + +{illustration caption = +Good form at the beach is still a question of debate. Some +authorities on the subject insist that the Rubenesque type is +preferable, while others claim that the Byzantine is more +fashionable. One thing is certain--it is absolutely incorrect for +ladies who weigh less than 75 or more than 275 pounds +(avoirdupois) to appear in costumes that would offend against +modesty. It is also considered rude to hold one's swimming +partner under water for more then the formal quarter of an hour.} + + +THE ENGAGEMENT LUNCHEON + +THE engagement is generally announced at a luncheon given by the +parents of the prospective bride. This is usually a small affair, +only fifteen or twenty of the most intimate friends of the +engaged "couple" being invited. It is one of the customs of +engagement luncheons that all the guests shall be tremendously +surprised at the news, and great care should be taken to aid them +in carrying out this tradition. On the invitations, for example, +should be written some misleading phrase, such as "To meet +General Pershing" or "Not to Announce the Engagement of our +Daughter." + +The announcement itself which should be made soon after the +guests are seated, offers a splendid opportunity for the display +of originality and should aim to afford the guest a surprise and +perhaps a laugh, for laughter of a certain quiet kind is often +welcome at social functions. One of the most favored methods of +announcing an engagement is by the use of symbolic figures +embodying the names of the affianced pair. Thus, for example, in +the case of the present engagement of Richard Roe to Dorothy Doe +it would be "unique" to have the first course at luncheon consist +of a diminutive candy or paper-mache doe seated amorously upon a +heart shaped order of a shad roe. The guests will at first be +mystified, but soon cries of "Oh, how sweet!" will arise and +congratulations are then in order. Great care should be taken, +however, that the symbolic figures are not misunderstood; it +would be extremely embarrassing, for example, if in the above +instance, a young man named "Shad" or "Aquarium" were to receive +the congratulations instead of the proper person. Other +suggestions for symbolistic announcements of some of the more +common names are as follows: + +"Cohan-O'Brien"--ice cream cones on a plate of O'Brien potatoes. + +"Ames-Green--green ice cream in the shape of a man aiming at +something. + +"Thorne-Hoyt--figure of a man from Brooklyn pulling a thorn from +foot with expression on his face signifying "This hoits." + +"Bullitt-Bartlett--bartlett pears full of small 22 or 33 calibre +bullets. + +"Tweed-Ellis"--frosted cake in the shape of Ellis Island with a +solitary figure of a man in a nice fitting tweed suit. + +"Gordon-Fuller"--two paper-mache figures--one representing a +young man full of Gordon gin, the other representing a young man +fuller. + +"Hatch-Gillette"--figure of a chicken surprised at having hatched +a safety razor. + +"Graves-Colgate"--figure of a man brushing his teeth in a +cemetery. + +"Heinz-Fish"--57 assorted small fish tastily arranged on one +plate. + + +SELECTING THE BRIDAL PARTY + +AS soon as the engagement has been announced it is the duty of +the prospective bride to select a maid-of-honor and eight or ten +bridesmaids, while the groom must choose his best man and ushers. +In making these selections it should be carefully borne in mind +that no wedding party is complete without the following: + +1 bridesmaid who danced twice with the Prince of Wales. + +2 Bridesmaids who never danced more than once with anybody. + +1 bridesmaid who doesn't "Pet." + +1 bridesmaid who was expelled from Miss Spence's. + +1 bridesmaid who talks "Southern." + +1 bridesmaid who met Douglas Fairbanks once. + +1 bridesmaid who rowed on the crew at Wellesley. + +1 usher who doesn't drink anything. + +9 ushers who drink anything. + + +In some localities, following the announcement, it is customary +for the bride's friends, to give for her a number of "showers." +These are for the purpose of providing her with various +necessities for her wedded household life. These affairs should +be informal and only her dearest or wealthiest friends should be +invited. A clever bride will generally arrange secretly for +several of these "showers" by promising a certain percentage +(usually 15% of the gross up to $500.00 and 25% bonus on all over +that amount) to the friend who gives the party. Some of the more +customary "showers" of common household articles for the new +bride are toothpaste, milk of magnesia, screen doors, copies of +Service's poems, Cape Cod lighters, pictures of "Age of +Innocence" and back numbers of the "Atlantic Monthly." + + +INVITATIONS AND WEDDING PRESENTS + +The proper time to send out invitations to a wedding is between +two and three weeks before the day set for the ceremony, although +the out-of-town invitations should be mailed in plenty of time to +allow the recipient to purchase and forward a suitable present. +As the gifts are received, a check mark should be placed after +the name of the donor, together with a short description of the +present and an estimate as to its probable cost. This list is to +be used later, at the wedding reception, in determining the +manner in which the bride is to greet the various guests. It has +been found helpful by many brides to devise some sort of memory +system whereby certain names immediately suggest certain +responses, thus: + +"Mr. Snodgrass--copy of "Highways and Byways in Old France"--c. +$6.50--"how do you do, Mr. Snodgrass, have you met my mother?" + +"Mr. Brackett--Solid silver candlesticks--$68.50"--"hello, Bob, +you old peach. How about a kiss?" + +The real festivities of a wedding start about three days before +the ceremony, with the arrival of the "wedding party," in which +party the most responsible position is that of best man. Let us +suppose that you are to be the best man at the Roe-Doe nuptials. +What are your duties? + +In the first place, you must prepare yourself for the wedding by +a course of training extending for over a month or more prior to +the actual event. It should be your aim to work yourself into +such a condition that you can go for three nights without sleep, +talk for hours to the most impossibly stupid of young women, and +consume an unending amount of alcohol. You are then prepared for +the bachelor dinner, the bridal dinner, the bridesmaids, the +wedding, and the wedding reception. + + +DUTIES OF THE BEST MAN + +Upon your arrival in the city where the wedding is to take place +you will be met by the bridegroom, who will take you to the home +of the bride where you are to stay. There you are met by the +bride's father. "This is my best man," says the groom. "The best +man?" replies her father. "Well, may the best man win." At once +you reply, "Ha! Ha! Ha!" He then says, "Is this your first visit +to Chicago?" to which the correct answer is, "Yes, sir, but I +hope it isn't my last." + +The bride's mother then appears. "This is my best man," says the +groom. "Well," says she, "remember--the best man doesn't always +win." "Ha! Ha! Ha!" you at once reply. "Is this your first visit +to Chicago?" says she, to which you answer, "Yes--but I hope it +isn't my last." + +You are then conducted to your room, where you are left alone to +unpack. In a few minutes the door will open and a small boy +enter. This is the brother of the bride. You smile at him +pleasantly and remark, "Is this your first visit to Chicago?" +"What are you doing?" is his answer. "Unpacking," you reply. +"What's that?" says he. "A cutaway," you reply. "What's that?" +says he. "A collar bag." "What's that?" "A dress shirt." "What's +that?" says he. "Another dress shirt." "What's that?" says he. +"Say, listen," you reply, "don't I hear some one calling you?" +"No," says he, "what's that?" "That," you reply, with a sigh of +relief, "is a razor. Here --take it and play with it." In three +minutes, if you have any luck at all, the bride's brother will +have cut himself severely in several places which will cause him +to run crying from the room. You can then finish unpacking. + + +THE BRIDE'S TEA + +The first function of the pre-nuptial festivities is generally a +tea at the bride's home, where the ushers and bridesmaids meet to +become "acquainted." It is your duty, as best man, to go to the +hotel where the ushers are stopping and bring them to this tea. +Just as you will leave on this mission the groom will whisper in +your ear, "For God's sake, remember to tell them that her father +and mother are terribly opposed to drinking in any form." This is +an awfully good joke on her father and mother. + +As you step out of the hotel elevator you hear at the end of the +hall a chorus shouting, "Mademoiselle from Armentieres--parlez +vous!" Those are your ushers. + +Opening the door of the room you step forward and announce, +"Fellows, we have got to go to a tea right away. Come on--let's +go." At this, ten young men in cutaways will stand up and shout, +"Yeaaa--the best man--give the best man a drink!" From then on, +at twelve minute intervals, it is your duty to say, "Fellows, we +have got to go to a tea right away. Come on--let's go." Each time +you will be handed another drink, which you may take with either +your right or left hand. + +After an hour the telephone will ring. It will be the groom. He +will say, "Everybody is waiting for you and the ushers," to which +you reply, "We are just leaving." He then says, "And don't forget +to tell them what I told you about her father and mother." + +You then hang up the receiver, take a drink in one hand and say, +"Fellows, I have a very solemn message for you. It's a message +which is of deep importance to each one of us. Fellows--her +father and mother object to the use of alcohol in any form." + +This statement will be greeted with applause and cheers. You will +all then take one more drink, put on your silk hats and gray +gloves, and leave the room singing, "Her father and mother object +to drink--parlez vous." + +The tea given by the bride's parents is generally a small affair +to which only the members of the wedding party are invited. When +you and the ushers arrive, you will find the bride, the maid of +honor and the bridesmaids waiting for you. As you enter the room, +make a polite bow to the bride's father and mother, and be sure +to apologize for your lateness. Nothing so betrays the social +"oil can" as a failure to make a plausible excuse for tardiness. +Whenever you are late for a party you must always have ready some +good reason for your fault, such as, "Excuse me, Mrs. Doe, I'm +afraid I am a little late, but you see, just as I was dressing, +this filling dropped out of my tooth and I had to have it put +back in." If the host and hostess seem to doubt your statement, +it would be well to show them the recalcitrant filling in +question, although if they are "well-bred" they will probably in +most cases take you at your word. + + +THE MAID OF HONOR + +You and the ushers will then be introduced to the bridesmaids and +the maid of honor. As you meet this latter young lady, who is the +bride's older sister and, of course, your partner for the +remainder of the wedding festivities, she will say, "The best +man? Well, they say that the best man wins . . . Ha! Ha! Ha!" +This puts her in class G 6 without further examination, and your +only hope of prolonging your life throughout the next two days +lies in the frequent and periodic administration of stimulants. + + +THE BACHELOR DINNER AND AFTER + +That evening the groom gives for the best man and the ushers what +is known as a "bachelor dinner." It is his farewell to his men +friends as he passes out of the state of bachelorhood. The formal +passing out generally occurs toward the end of the dinner, and is +a quaint ceremony participated in by most of those present. + +It is customary for the best man to wake up about noon of the +following day. You will not have the slightest idea as to where +you are or how you got there. You will be wearing your dress +trousers, your stiff or pleated bosom dress shirt, black socks +and pumps, and the coat of your pajamas. In one hand you will be +clutching a chrysanthemum. After a few minutes there will come a +low moan from the next bed. That is usually the groom, also in +evening dress with the exception that he has tried to put on the +trousers of your pajamas over his dress trousers. You then say, +"What happened?" to which he replies, "Oh, Judas." You wait +several minutes. In the next room you hear the sound of a shower +bath and some one whistling. The bath stops; the whistling +continues. The door then opens and there enters one of the +ushers. He is the usher who always "feels great" the next day +after the bachelor dinner. He says to you, "Well, boys, you look +all in." You do not reply. He continues, "Gosh, I feel fine." You +make no response. He then begins to chuckle, "I don't suppose you +remember," he says, "what you said to the bride's mother when I +brought you home last night." You sit quickly up in bed. "What +did I say?" you ask. "Was I tight?" "Were you tight?" he replies, +still chuckling. "Don't you remember what you said? And don't you +remember trying to get the bride's father to slide down the +banisters with you? Were you tight--Oh, my gosh!" He then exits, +chuckling. Statistics of several important life insurance +companies show that that type of man generally dies a violent +death before the age of thirty. + + +THE REHEARSAL + +The rehearsal for the wedding is usually held in the church on +the afternoon preceding the day of the nuptials. The ushers, of +course, are an hour late, which gives the bridegroom (Bap.) an +opportunity to meet the minister (Epis.) and have a nice, long +chat about religion, while the best man (Atheist) talks to the +eighty-three year old sexton who buried the bride's grandpa and +grandma and has knowed little Miss Dorothy come twenty years next +Michaelmas. The best man's offer of twenty-five dollars, if the +sexton will at once bury the maid of honor, is generally refused +as a matter of courtesy. + + +THE BRIDAL DINNER + +In the evening, the parents of the bride give the bridal dinner, +to which all the relatives and close friends of the family are +invited. Toasts are drunk in orange juice and rare old Virginia +Dare wine, and much good-natured fun is indulged in by all. +Speeches are usually made by the bride and groom, their parents, +the best man, the maid of honor, the minister and Aunt Harriet. + +Just a word about the speeches at a bridal dinner. Terrible! + + +A CHURCH WEDDING + +On the day of the wedding the ushers should arrange to be at the +church an hour or so in advance of the time set for the ceremony. +They should be dressed in cutaways, with ties, gloves and +gardenias provided by the groom. + +It is the duty of the best man to dress the bridegroom for the +wedding. As you enter his room you see, lying half-dressed on the +bed, a pale, wan, emaciated creature, who is staring fixedly at +the ceiling. It is the happy bridegroom. His lips open. He speaks +feebly. "What time is it?" he says. You reply, "Two-thirty, old +man. Time to start getting dressed." "Oh, my God!" says the +groom. Ten minutes pass. "What time is it?" says the groom. +"Twenty of three," you reply. "Here's your shirt." "Oh, my God!" +says the groom. + +He takes the shirt and tries to put it on. You help him. "Better +have a little Scotch, old man," you say. "What time is it?" he +replies. "Five of three," you say. "Oh, my God!" says the groom. + +At three-thirty you and he are dressed in cutaways and promptly +at three-forty-two you arrive at the church. You are ushered into +a little side room where it is your duty to sit with the corpse +for the few brief hours which elapse between three-forty-five and +four o'clock. Occasionally he stirs and a faint spark of life +seems to struggle in his sunken eyes. His lips move feebly. You +bend over to catch his dying words. "Have--you--got --the ring?" +he whispers. "Yes," you reply. "Everything's fine. You look +great, too, old man." The sound of the organ reaches your ears. +The groom groans. "Have you got the ring?" he says. + +Meanwhile the ushers have been performing their duty of showing +the invited guests to the various pews. A correctly trained usher +will always have ready some cheery word or sprightly bit of +conversation to make the guests feel perfectly at home as he +conducts them to their seats. "It's a nice day, isn't it?" is +suggested as a perfectly safe and yet not too unusual topic of +conversation. This can be varied by remarking, "Isn't it a nice +day?" or in some cases, where you do not wish to appear too +forward, "Is it a nice day, or isn't it?" An usher should also +remember that although he has on a cutaway, he is neither a +floor-walker nor a bond salesman, and remarks such as "Something +in a dotted Swiss?" or "Third aisle over--second pew--next the +ribbon goods," are decidedly non au fait. + +The first two pews on each side of the center aisle are always +reserved for members of the immediate family, but it is a firmly +established custom that the ushers shall seat in these "family +pews" at least three people with whom the family are barely on +speaking terms. This slight error always causes Aunt Nellie and +Uncle Fred to sit up in the gallery with the family cook. + +With the arrival of the bride, the signal is given to the +organist to start the wedding march, usually either Mendelssohn's +or Wagner's. About this time the mother of the bride generally +discovers that the third candle from the left on the rear altar +has not been lighted, which causes a delay of some fifteen +minutes during which time the organist improvises one hundred and +seventy-three variations on the opening strains of the march. + +Finally all is adjusted and the procession starts down the aisle +led by the ushers swaying slowly side by side. It is always +customary for three or four of the eight ushers to have +absolutely no conception of time or rhythm, which adds a quaint +touch of uncertainty and often a little humor to the performance. + +After the Scotch mist left by the passing ushers has cleared, +there come the bridesmaids, the maid of honor, and then, leaning +on her father's arm (unless, of course, her father is dead), the +bride. + +In the meantime, the bridegroom has been carried in by the best +man and awaits the procession at the foot of the aisle, which is +usually four hundred and forty yards long. The ushers and +bridesmaids step awkwardly to one side; the groom advances and a +hush falls over the congregation which is the signal for the +bride's little niece to ask loudly, "What's that funny looking +man going to do, Aunt Dotty?" + +Then follows the religious ceremony. + +Immediately after the church service, a reception is held at the +bride's home, where refreshments are served and two hundred and +forty-two invited guests make the same joke about kissing the +bride. At the reception it is customary for the ushers and the +best man to crawl off in separate corners and die. + +The wedding "festivities" are generally concluded with the +disappearance of the bride, the bridegroom, one of the uninvited +guests and four of the most valuable presents. + + +{illustration caption = +The man of culture and refinement, while always considerate to +those beneath him in station, never, under any circumstances, +loses control of his emotions for an instant. Though the +gentleman-rider in the picture may be touchingly fond of his +steeplechase horse, it is unpardonably bad form for him to make +an exhibition of his affection while going over the brush in +plain view of numbers of total strangers. In doing so he simply +is making a "guy" of himself, and it is no more than he deserves +if those in the gallery raise their eyebrows at each other and +smile knowingly.} + + +{illustration caption = +The Romans had a proverb, "Litera scripta manet," which means +"The written letter remains." The subtle wisdom of these words +was no doubt well known to the men of the later Paleolithic Age +before them, but evidently the gentleman in the engraving never +heard of it. If he had kept this simple little rule of social +correspondence in mind he would have avoided the painful +experience of hearing his obsolete emotions exposed to the eager +ears of twelve perfect strangers. It is customary nowadays for +unmarried elder sons of our most aristocratic families to express +their appreciation of the qualities of fascinating bachelor girls +over the sensible, though plebeian, telephone.} + + + +CHAPTER THREE: THE ETIQUETTE OF TRAVEL + +The etiquette of travel, like that of courtship and marriage, has +undergone several important changes with the advent of +"democracy" and the "mechanical age." Time was when travel was +indulged in only by the better classes of society and the rules +of travellers' etiquette were well defined and acknowledged by +all. But Yankee ingenuity has indeed brought the "mountain to +Mahomet"; the "iron horse" and the "Pullman coach" have, I +believe, come to stay, bringing with them many new customs and +manners for the well-bred gentleman or lady who would travel +correctly. Truly, the "old order changeth" and it is, perhaps, +only proper that one should keep (if you will pardon the use of +the word), "abreast" of the times. + + +HINTS FOR THE CORRECT PEDESTRIAN + +Let us suppose, for example, that you are a young gentleman of +established social position in one of the many cities of our +great middle west, and it is your desire to travel from your home +to New York City for the purpose of viewing the many attractions +of that metropolis of which I need perhaps only mention the +Aquarium or Grant's Tomb or the Eden Musee. Now there are many +ways of getting to New York, such as (a) on foot, (b) via "rail"; +it should be your first duty to select one of these methods of +transportation. Walking to New York ("a" above) is often rejected +because of the time and effort involved and it is undoubtedly +true that if one attempted to journey afoot from the middle west +one would probably be quite fatigued at the end of one's journey. +The etiquette of walking, however, is the same for short as for +long distances, and I shall at this point give a few of the many +rules for correct behavior among pedestrians. + +In the first place, it is always customary in a city for a young +lady, either accompanied or unaccompanied, to walk on the +sidewalk. A young "miss" who persists in walking in the gutters +is more apt to lose than to make friends among the socially +"worth while." + +Gentlemen, either with or without ladies, are never seen walking +after dark in the sewers or along the elevated, tracks. + +It is not au fait for gentlemen or ladies wearing evening dress +to "catch on behind" passing ice wagons, trucks, etc.; the time +and energy saved are doubtfully repaid should one happen to be +driven thus past other members of one's particular social "set." + +Ladies walking alone on the street after dark do not speak to +gentlemen unless they have been previously introduced or are out +of work with winter coming on. + +A gentleman walking alone at night, when accosted by a young +woman whom he has not met socially, removes his hat politely, +bows and passes on, unless she looks awfully good. + +Debutantes meeting traffic policemen always bow first in America; +in the Continental countries, with their age-old flavor of +aristocratic court life, this custom is reversed. + +A bachelor, accompanied by a young unmarried woman, when stepping +accidentally into an open coal or sewer hole in the sidewalk, +removes his hat and gloves as inconspicuously as possible. + +It is never correct for young people of either "sex" to push +older ladies in front of swiftly approaching motor vehicles or +street cars. + +A young man, if run over by an automobile driven by a strange +lady, should lie perfectly still (unless dead) until an +introduction can be arranged; the person driving the car usually +speaks first. + +An unmarried woman, if run into and knocked down by a taxicab +driven by someone in her own "set," usually says "Why the hell +don't you look where you're going?" to which the taxi driver, +removing his hat, replies "Why the hell don't YOU?" + +A correct costume for gentlemen walking in the parks or streets +of a city, either before or after dark, consists of shoes (2), +socks (2), undergarments, trousers, shirt, necktie, collar, vest, +coat and hat. For pedestrians of the "opposite" sex the costume +is practically the same with the exception of the socks, +trousers, shirt, necktie, collar, vest and coat. However, many +women now affect "knickerbockers" and vice versa. + +A young lady of good breeding, when walking alone, should not +talk or laugh in a loud boisterous manner. "Capers" (e. g. +climbing trees, etc.), while good exercise and undoubtedly +fashionable in certain "speedy" circles, are of questionable +taste for ladies, especially if indulged in to excess or while +walking with young gentlemen on the Sabbath. Sport is sport, and +no one loves a stiff game of "fives" or "rounders" more than I, +but the spectacle of a young unmarried lady and her escort +hanging by their limbs on the Lord's Day from the second or third +cross arm of an electric telegraph pole is certainly carrying +things a bit too far, in my opinion, even in this age of "golf" +and lawn "tennis." + +A young gentleman escorting a young lady on foot to a formal ball +or the opera should walk on the outside, especially if they are +both in evening dress and have a long distance to go. It is never +incorrect to suggest the use of a street car, or as one gets near +the Opera House, a carriage or a "taxicab." + +A young man walking with a young lady, when accosted by a beggar, +always gives the beggar something unless the young lady is his +wife or his sister. + +So much for pedestrians. I can not, of course, pretend to give +here all the rules for those who "go afoot" and I can only say +that the safest principle for correct behavior in this, as in +many social matters, is the now famous reply Thomas Edison once +made to the stranger who asked him with what he mixed his paints +in order to get such marvellous effects. "One part inspiration," +replied the great inventor, "and NINE parts perspiration." In +other words, etiquette is not so much a matter of "genius" as of +steady application to small details. + + +TRAVELLING BY RAIL + +In America much of the travelling is done by "rail." The +etiquette of railroad behavior is extremely complicated, +especially if one is forced to spend the night en route (on the +way) and many and ludicrous are the mistakes made by those whose +social training has apparently fitted them more for a freight car +than for an up-to-date "parlor" or "Pullman" coach. + + +GOOD FORM ON A STREET CAR + +Let us, first of all, however, take up some of the simpler forms +of rail transportation, such as, for example, the electric street +or "tram" car now to be seen on the main highways and byways of +all our larger cities. The rules governing behavior on these +vehicles often appear at first quite complicated, but when one +has learned the "ropes," as they say in the Navy, one should have +no difficulty. + +An elderly lady with a closed umbrella, for example, desiring to +take a street car, should always stand directly under a large +sign marked "Street Cars Do Not Stop On This Corner." As the car +approaches she should run quickly out to the car tracks and +signal violently to the motorman with the umbrella. As the car +whizzes past without stopping she should cease signalling, remark +"Well I'll be God damned!" and return to the curbstone. After +this performance has been repeated with three successive cars she +should then walk slowly out and lie down, in a dignified manner, +across the car tracks. In nine cases out of ten the motorman of +the next "tram" will see her lying there and will be gentleman +enough to stop his car. + +When this happens the elderly lady should get quietly up from the +street and stand outside the door marked "Exit Only" until the +motorman opens it for her. She should then enter with the remark, +"I signalled to three cars and not one of them stopped," to which +the motorman will reply, "But, lady, that sign there says they +don't stop on this corner." The lady should then say "What's your +number--I'm going to report you." + +After taking his number she should enter the car. At the opposite +end of the vehicle there will undoubtedly be three or four vacant +seats; instead of taking one of these she should stand up in +front of some young man and glare at him until he gets up and +gives her his place. + +It is not customary in American cities for ladies to thank +gentlemen who provide them with seats. + +After a few minutes she should turn to the man at her right and +ask "Does this car go to Madison Heights?" He will answer "No." +She should then turn to the man on her left and ask "Does this +car go to Madison Heights?" He will answer "No." Her next +question--"Does this car go to Madison Heights?"--should be +addressed to a man across the aisle, and the answer will be "No." +She should then listen attentively while the conductor calls out +the names of the streets and as he shouts "Blawmnoo!" she should +ask the man at her right "Did he say Madison Heights?" He will +reply "No." At the next street the conductor will shout +"Blawmnoo!" at which she should ask "Did he say Madison Heights?" +Once more the answer will be in the negative. The car will +proceed, the conductor will now call "Blawmnoo!" and as the +elderly lady once more says "Did he say Madison Heights?" the man +at her left, the man at her right, the man across the aisle and +eight other male passengers will shout "YES!" + +It is then correct for her to pickup her umbrella and, carefully +waiting until the conductor has pulled the "go ahead" signal, she +should cry "Wait a minute, conductor--I want to get off here." +The car will then be stopped and she should say "Is this Madison +Heights?" to which the conductor will reply "This ain't the +Madison Heights car, lady." She should then say "But you called +out Madison Heights," to which he will answer "No, lady--that's +eight miles in the opposite direction." She should then leave the +street car, not forgetting, however, to take the conductor's +number again. + +The above hints for "tram" car etiquette apply, of course, only +to elderly ladies. For young men and women the procedure would be +in many cases quite different. A young married woman, for +example, on entering a street car, should always have her ticket +or small "change" so securely buried in the fourth inside +pocketbook of her handbag that she cannot possibly find it inside +of twelve minutes. Three or more middle-aged ladies, riding +together, should never decide as to who is to pay the fare until +the conductor has gone stark raving mad. + + +{illustration caption = +Her conduct has stamped the young lady as a provincial and it is +not to be wondered at if suppressed titters and half audible +chuckles follow her about the room. PERFECT BEHAVIOR would have +taught her that it is not the prerogative of a muddy-complexioned +dud--even if she has had only one dance and her costume is very +expensive--to cut in on a gentleman (by grabbing his neck or any +other method) when he is dancing with the wide-eyed beauty from +the South who leaves in five minutes to catch a train. He will be +within his rights when, at the end of five minutes, after three +unsuccessful attempts to loosen her grip, he will carry her into +the garden under false pretences and there play the hose on her +until she drowns. + + +{illustration caption = +They are leaving the home of an intimate friend of several weeks' +standing, after having witnessed a Private Theatrical. Both feel +that some return should be made for their hostess's kindness but +neither is certain as to just what form the return should take. +The Book of PERFECT BEHAVIOR would have pointed out to them that +the only adequate and satisfactory revenge for this sort of thing +is to invite the lady, as soon as possible without exciting her +suspicion, to attend an Italian opera or a drawing-room musicale. + + + +IN THE SUBWAY + +The rules governing correct behavior in the underground "subway" +systems of our great cities (particularly the New York subways) +are, however, much more simple and elemental than the etiquette +for surface cars. In the subway, for example, if you are a +married man and living with your wife, or head of a family, i. +e., a person who actually supports one or more persons living in +(or under) his (or her) household on the last day of the +preceding calendar year, provided that such person or persons +shall not on or before July 1 or if July 1 shall fall on a Sunday +then on the day nearest preceding July 1, himself (or themselves) +have filed a separate report as provided in paragraph (g), you +should precede a lady when entering, and follow a lady when +leaving, the train. + + +A HONEYMOON IN A SUBWAY + +On the other hand, a wedding or a "honeymoon" trip in a subway +brings up certain problems of etiquette which are entirely +different from the above. Let us suppose, for example, that the +wedding takes place at high noon in exclusive old "Trinity" +church, New York. The nearest subway is of course the +"Interborough" (West Side) and immediately after the ceremony the +lucky couple can run poste haste to the "Battery" and board a +Lenox Ave. Local. Arriving at romantic Chambers St. they should +change at once to a Bronx Park Express which will speedily whizz +them past 18th St., 23rd St. and 28th St. to the Pennsylvania +Station where they can again transfer, this time to a Broadway +Local. In a jiffy and two winks of an eye they will be at Times +Square, the heart of the "Great White Way" (that Mecca of +pleasure seekers and excitement lovers) where they can either +change to a Broadway Express, journeying under Broadway to +historic Columbia University and Harlem, or they can take the +busy little "shuttle" which will hurry them over to the Grand +Central Station. There they can board the aristocratic East Side +Subway, either "up" or "down" town. The trip "up town" (Lexington +Ave. Express) passes under some of the better class residential +districts, but the journey in the other direction is perhaps more +interesting, including as it does such stops as 14th St., +Brooklyn Bridge, Fulton Street, Wall Street (the financial +center) etc., not to mention a delightful passage under the East +River to Brooklyn, the city of homes and churches. Thus without +getting out of their seats the happy pair can be transported from +one fascinating end of the great city to the other and when they +have exhausted the possibilities of a honeymoon in the +Interborough they can change, with the additional cost of only a +few cents apiece, to the B. R. T. or the Hudson Tubes which will +gladly carry them to a thousand new and interesting places--a +veritable Aladdin's lamp on rails. + + +TRAVELLING UNDER STEAM + +And now we come to that most complex form of travel--the railroad +journey. Let us suppose that instead of attempting to walk to New +York you have elected to go on the "train." On the day of your +departure you should carefully pack your bag or suitcase, taking +care to strap and lock it securely. You can then immediately +unstrap and unlock it in order to put in the tooth paste and +shaving brush which you forgot to bring from the bathroom. + +Arriving at the station promptly on the time scheduled for the +train to depart you will find that because of "daylight saving +time" you have exactly an hour to wait. The time, however, can be +amusingly and economically spent in the station as follows: 11 +weighing machines @.01 = .11; 3 weighing machines @ .05 = .15; 1 +weighing machine (out of order) .09; 17 slot machines (chocolate +and gum) @ .01 = .17. Total cost--.50, unless, of course, you eat +the chocolate. + +Upon the arrival of the train you consult your ticket to find +that you have "lower 9" in car 43. Walking back to the end of the +train and entering car 43 you will find, in berth number 9, a +tired woman and two small children. You will also find a hat box, +a bird cage, a bag of oranges, a bag of orange peelings, a +shoe-box of lunch, a rag doll, a toy balloon, half a "cookie" and +8,000,000 crumbs. The tired woman will then say to you "Are you +the gentleman who has the lower berth?" to which you answer +"Yes." She will then say "Well say--we've got the upper--and I +wonder if you would mind--" "Not at, all," you reply, "I should +be only too glad to give you my lower." This is always done. + +After you have seated yourself and the train has started the +lady's little boy will announce, "I want a drink, Mama." After he +has repeated this eleven times his mother will say to you "I +wonder if you would mind holding the baby while I take Elmer to +get a drink?" + +The etiquette of holding babies is somewhat difficult for +bachelors to master at first as there are no hard and fast rules +governing conduct under these circumstances. An easy "hold" for +beginners and one which is difficult for the ordinary baby to +break consists in wrapping the left and right arms firmly around +the center of the child, at the same time clutching the clothing +with the right hand and the toes with the left and praying to God +that the damn thing won't drop. + +In this particular case, after Elmer and his mother have gone +down the aisle after a drink, the baby which you are holding will +at once begin to cry. Now as every mother knows, and especially +those mothers who have had children, a baby does not cry without +some specific reason and all that is necessary in the present +instance is to discover this reason. First of all, the child may +be merely hungry, in which case you should at once ask the porter +to bring you the a la carte menu. You should then carefully go +over the list of dishes with the infant, taking care to spell out +and explain such names as he may not understand. "How would you +like some nice assorted hors d'oeuvres?" you say. "Waaaaa!" says +the baby. "No hors d'oeuvres," you say to the waiter. "Some blue +points, perhaps--you know, o-y-s-t-e-r-s?" You might even act out +a blue point or two, as in charades, so that the child will +understand what you mean. In case, however, the baby does not +cease crying after having eaten the first three or four courses, +you should not insist on a salad and a dessert, for probably it +is not hunger which is occasioning the outcry. Perhaps it is a +pin, in which case you should at once bend every effort to the +discovery and removal of the irritant. The most generally +accepted modern way of effecting this consists in passing a large +electro-magnet over every portion of the child's anatomy and the +pin (if pin there be) will of course at once come to light. Then, +too, many small children cry merely because they have swallowed +something which does not agree with them, such as, for example, a +gold tooth or a shoe horn; the remedy in this case consists in +IMMEDIATELY feeding the child the proper counter irritant. There +is, really, no great mystery about the successful raising of +children and with a few common sense principles, such as +presented above, any mother may relieve herself of a great deal +of useless anxiety. I hope I may be pardoned for a digression +here, but I feel very strongly that "today's babies are +tomorrow's citizens" and I do want to see them brought up in the +proper way. + +But to return to our train. Perhaps by this time the mother and +Elmer will have returned and you will be relieved of further +investigation as to the cause of the infant's discomfort. A few +minutes later, however, little Elmer will say "Mama, I want the +window open." This request will be duly referred to you via the +line of authority. It is then your duty to assume a firm upright +stance, with the weight evenly distributed on both feet, and work +for twelve minutes and thirty-nine seconds in a terrific struggle +to raise the windows. At the end of twelve minutes and forty +seconds you will succeed, the window will slowly go up, and the +train will at once enter a tunnel, filling the car and you with +coal smoke. In the resulting darkness and confusion you should +seize little Elmer, throw him quickly out of the open window and +make your escape to the gentlemen's smoking compartment in the +rear of your car. + +In the "smoker" you will find three men. The first of these will +be saying "and he told me that a bootlegger he knew had cleaned +up a thousand dollars a week since January." The second will say +"Well down where I come from there's men who never took a drink +before prohibition who get drunk all the time now." The third +will say "Well, I tell you, men--the saloon had to go." + +Provision for satisfying the "inner man" is now a regular part of +the equipment of all modern trains, and about 6:30 or 7 you +should leave your companions in the "smoker" and walk through the +train until you reach the "diner." Here you will seat yourself at +a table with three other gentlemen, the first of whom will be +remarking, as you sit down, "and I know for a fact that this +bootlegger is making over fifty thousand dollars a year." + + +A CORRECT NIGHT IN A PULLMAN + +Before the days of modern railroads one could not very well +travel over night but now, thanks to Mr. Pullman, it is possible +for the traveller to go to bed en route and be every bit as snug +and comfortable as the proverbial insect in a rug. Shortly after +dinner the porter will "make up"the berths in the car and when +you desire to retire for the night you should ask him to bring +you the ladder in order that you may ascend to upper 9. While you +are waiting you should stand in the aisle and remove your coat, +vest and shoes, and then begin to search for your suitcase which +you will finally locate by crawling on your chin and stomach +under berth number 11. When you again resume an upright position +the train will give a sudden lurch, precipitating you into berth +number 12. A woman's voice will then say "Alice?" to which you +should of course answer "No" and climb quickly up the ladder into +your proper berth. + +A great deal of "to do" is often made of the difficulty involved +in undressing in an upper berth but most of this is quite +uncalled for. Experienced travellers now generally wait until the +lights of the car have been dimmed or extinguished when the +disrobing can be done quite simply in five counts, as follows: +One--unloosen all clothing and lie flat on the back. The +respiration should be natural, easy and through the lungs. The +muscles should be relaxed; Two--pivoting on the back of the head +and neck, inhale quickly, at the same time drawing the muscles of +the legs and arms sharply under the body, as for a spring; +Three--spring suddenly upward and to the right (or left), +catching the bell cord (which extends along the roof of the +train) with the teeth, hands and feet; Four--holding firmly to +the cord with the knees, describe a sudden arc downward with the +head and body, returning to position as soon as the shirt and +undershirt have dropped off into the aisle; Five --taking a firm +hold on the cord with the teeth, let go sharply with the knees. +The trousers, etc., should at once slide off, and you can (and, +in fact, should) then swing yourself quickly back into your berth +and pajamas. + +Once inside your "bunk" you should drift quickly off to +slumberland, and when you wake up it will be five minutes later +and the ---- ----engineer will be trying to see what he can do +with an air brake and a few steel sleeping cars. + +In the morning you will be in New York. + + + +CHAPTER FOUR: AT THE CONCERT AND THE OPERA + +In order to listen to music intelligently--or what is really much +more important--in order to give the appearance of listening to +music intelligently, it is necessary for the novice to master +thoroughly two fundamental facts. + +The first, and most important of these, is that the letter "w" in +Russian is pronounced like "v"; the second, that Rachmaninoff has +a daughter at Vassar. + +Not very difficult, surely--but it is remarkable how much +enjoyment one can get out of music by the simple use of these two +formulas. With a little practise in their use, the veriest tyro +can bewilder her escort even though she be herself so musically +uninformed as to think that the celeste is only used in +connection with Aida, or that a minor triad is perhaps a young +wood nymph. + +One other important fundamental is that enthusiasm should never +be expressed for any music written after 1870; by a careful +observance of this rule one will constantly experience that +delightful satisfaction which comes with finding one's opinions +shared by the music critics in the daily press. + + +{illustration caption = +The young lady in the picture has just laid out a perfect drive. +She had, unfortunately, neglected to wait until the gentleman +playing ahead of her had progressed more than fifteen yards down +the fairway, and her ball, traveling at a velocity of 1675 f.s., +has caught the gentleman squarely in the half-pint bottle. What +mistake, if any, is the gentleman making in chasing her off the +course with his niblick, if we assume that she called "Fore!" +when the ball had attained to within three feet of the +gentleman?} + +{illustration caption = +You will exclaim, no doubt, on looking at the scene depicted +above, "Cherchez la femme." It is, however, nothing so serious as +you will pardonably suppose. The gentleman is merely an +inexperienced "gun" at a shooting-party, who has begun following +his bird before it has risen above the head of his loader. This +very clumsy violation of the etiquette of sport proves, beyond +the shadow of a doubt, that he has learned to shoot from the +comic papers, and that his coat-of-arms can never again be looked +upon as anything but bogus.} + + +LISTENING TO A SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA + +The first thing to do on arriving at a symphony concert is to +express the wish that the orchestra will play Beethoven's Fifth. +If your companion then says "Fifth what?" you are safe with him +for the rest of the evening; no metal can touch you. If, however, +he says "So do I"--this is a danger signal and he may require +careful handling. + +The next step is a glance at the program. If your escort is quite +good looking and worth cultivating, the obvious remark is "Oh +dear--not a very interesting program, to-night. But George--LOOK +at what they are playing next Thursday! My, I wish--." If George +shies at this, it can be tried again later--say during an +"appassionato" passage for the violins and cellos. + +As soon as the music starts, all your attention should be +directed toward discovering someone who is making a +noise--whispering or coughing; having once located such a +creature, you should immediately "sh-sh" him. Should he continue +the offence, a severe frown must accompany the next "sh-sh," a +lorgnette --if available--adding great effectiveness to the +rebuke. This will win you the gratitude of your neighbors and +serve to establish your position socially, as well as +musically--for perfect "sh-shers" do not come from the lower +classes. + +At the conclusion of the first number the proper remark is +"hmmm," accompanied by a slow shake of the head. After this you +may use any one of a number of remarks, as for example, "Well, I +suppose Mendelssohn appeals to a great many people," or "That was +meaningless enough to have been written by a Russian." This +latter is to be preferred, for it leads your companion to say, +"But don't you like TschaiKOWsky?", pronouncing the second +syllable as if the composer were a female bull. You can then +reply, "Why, yes, TschaiKOFFsky DID write some rather good +music--although it's all neurotic and obviously Teutonic." Don't +fail to stress the "v." + +The next number on the program will probably be the soloist--say, +a coloratura soprano. Your first remark should be that you don't +really care for the human voice--the reason being, of course, +that symphonic Music, ABSOLUTE music, has spoiled you for things +like vocal gymnastics. This leads your bewildered friend to ask +you what sort of soloist you prefer. + +Ans.--Why, a piano concerto, of course. + +Ques.--And who is your favorite pianist? + +Ans.--Rachmaninoff. And then, before the boy has time to breathe +--SHOOT! "Did you knoow that he has a daughter at Vassar?" + +Although not necessary, it might be well to finish off the poor +fellow at the end of the concert with one or two well placed +depth bombs. My own particular favorite for this is the +following, accompanied by a low sigh: "After all--Beethoven IS +Beethoven." + + +CORRECT BEHAVIOR AT A PIANO RECITAL + +The same procedure is recommended for the piano or violin +recital, with the possible addition of certain phrases such as +"Yes --of course, she has technique--but, my dear, so has an +electric piano." This remark gives you a splendid opportunity for +sarcasm at the expense of Mr. Duo-Art and other manufacturers of +mere mechanical perfection; the word "soul"--pronounced with deep +feeling, as when repeating a fish order to a stupid waiter--may +be introduced effectively several times. + +The program at these recitals is likely to be more complex than +that at a symphony concert. This is a distinct advantage, for it +gives you a splendid opportunity to catch some wretch applauding +before the music is really finished. Nothing is quite comparable +to the satisfaction of smiling knowingly at your neighbors when +this faux pas is committed, unless it be the joy of being the +first to applaud at the REAL conclusion. This latter course, +however, is fraught with danger for the beginner; the chances for +errors in judgment are many, and the only sure way to avoid +anachronistic applause is to play the safe game and refrain +altogether from any expression of approval--a procedure which is +heartily recommended for the musically ignorant, it being also +the practise among the majority of the critics. + + +IN A BOX AT THE OPERA + +The opera differs from the symphony concert, or piano recital, in +the same way that the army drill command of "At Ease!" differs +from "Rest!" When one of these orders (I never could remember +which is given to a battalion in formation, it signifies that +talking is permitted; opera, of course, corresponds to that +command. + +Before the invention of the phonograph it was often necessary for +the opera goer to pay some attention to the performance--at least +while certain favorite arias were being sung; this handicap to +the enjoyment of opera has now fortunately been overcome and one +can devote one's entire attention to other more important things, +safe in one's knowledge that one has Galli-Curci at home on the +Vic. + +In order really to get the most out of an opera a great deal of +study and preparation is required in advance; I have not space at +this time to cover these preliminaries thoroughly, but would +recommend to the earnest student such supplemental information as +can be obtained from Lady Duff-Gordon, or Messrs. Tiffany, Tecla +and Pinaud. + +Upon entering one's box the true opera lover at once assumes a +musical attitude; this should be practised at home, by my lady, +before a mirror until she is absolutely sure that the shoulders +and back can be seen from any part of the house. Then, with the +aid of a pair of strong opera glasses, she may proceed to +scrutinize carefully the occupants of the boxes--noting carefully +any irregular features. Technical phraseology, useful in this +connection, includes "unearthly creature," "stray leopard" or, +simply, "that person." + +Your two magical formulas--the Russian "w" and the sad story +about Rachmaninoff's daughter--may, of course, be held in +reserve--but the chances are that you will be unable to use them, +for during an evening at the opera there will probably be no +mention of music. + + + + +CHAPTER FIVE: ETIQUETTE FOR DRY AGENTS + +SOME BROADER ASPECTS OF PROHIBITION + +In spite of the great pride and joy which we Americans feel over +the success of National Prohibition; in spite of the universal +popularity of the act and the method of its enforcement; in spite +of the fact that it is now almost impossible to obtain in any of +our ex-saloons anything in the least resembling whiskey or +gin,--there still remains the distressing suspicion that quite +possibly, at some of the dinner parties and dances of our more +socially prominent people, liquor--or its equivalent--is openly +being served. Dry agents have, of course, tried on several +occasions to verify this suspicion; their praiseworthy efforts +have met, for the most part, with scant success. + +The main difficulty has been, I believe, that the average dry +agent is too little versed in the customs and manners of polite +society. It is lamentably true that, too often, has a carefully +planned society dry raid been spoiled because the host noticed +that one of his guests was wearing white socks with a black tie, +or that the intruder was using his dessert spoon on the hors +d'oeuvres. + +The solution of this difficulty lies, of course, in the gradual +procuring of a better class of dry agent. There are signs +(though, unfortunately, in the wrong direction) that some of our +younger college generation are already casting envious eyes +toward the rich rewards, the social opportunities and the +exciting life of the professional bootlegger. + +It might be well to interest some of these promising youngsters +in the no less exciting occupation of National Prohibition +Enforcement Officer. At present the chief difficulty seems to lie +in the fact that, in our preparatory schools and colleges, a +young man acquires a certain code of honor which causes him to +look with distaste on what he calls pussyfooting and sneaking. + +People too often forget that, in order to make effective such a +universally beneficent law, any means are justified. It will be, +I hope, only a matter of years before this distrust of the +"sneak" will have died out, and the Dry Agent will come to be +regarded with the reverence and respect due to one who devotes +his life to the altruistic investigation of his neighbor's +affairs. + + +THE COLLEGE GRADUATE AS DRY AGENT + +Then, too, many young college men are deterred from becoming Dry +Agents by thinking of the comparative scantiness of the monetary +rewards. This difficulty is only an imaginary one--for, luckily, +as soon as a man's code of honor has been elevated to the extent +that it permits him to take up a career of pussy-footing there is +generally eliminated at the same time any objection he might have +to what is often called bribery. Thus, by a fortunate combination +of circumstances, a Dry Agent is enabled to serve mankind and, at +the same time, greatly increase his own personal fortune. + +But we cannot wait until our college graduates come to regard +pussyfooting as a career. We must do what we can with the +material at our disposal. We must in some way educate our present +Dry Agents so that they can go to any function in polite society +and remain as inconspicuous and as completely disregarded as the +host. As a first step in such a social training I offer the +following suggestions, in the hope that before long no function +will be complete without the presence of four or five correctly +dressed National Prohibition Enforcement Officers, ready and +eager to arrest the host and hostess and all the guests on the +slightest provocation. + + +PLANNING A DRY RAID ON A MASQUERADE BALL + +Let us suppose, for example, that you are a Dry Agent and that +your name is Isador Eisenberg, and, one day, you and your chief +are sitting around the Dry Agent's Club and he says to you, +"Izzy--I see by the paper that there's a swell society masquerade +ball to be given by the younger married set tomorrow night at the +Glen Cove Country Club. Take your squad to cover it." At this +point you doubtless say, "Chief, I'm afraid I can't use my squad. +My men have been disguised as trained seals all this week, and +tomorrow night, they are to raid all the actresses' dressing +rooms at the Hippodrome" and then the Chief says, "Well, Izzy, +you'll have to rent a costume and pull off the raid all by +yourself." + + +A WORD ABOUT CORRECT COSTUMES + +Your first concern should be, of course, your costume. If you +have a high voice (although really there is no reason for +supposing that all Dry Agents have high voices), you might well +attend the masquerade disguised as a lady. One of the neatest +and, on the whole, most satisfactory of ladies' disguises is that +of Cleopatra. Cleopatra, as you know, was once Queen of Egypt and +the costume is quite simple and attractive. It may be, however, +that you would prefer to appear as a modern) rather than an +ancient queen. A modern Queen (if one may judge from the +illustrated foreign periodicals) always wears a plain suit and +carries a tightly rolled umbrella. Should you care to attend the +masquerade as an allegorical figure--say "2000 Years of +Progress"--you might wear the Cleopatra costume and carry the +umbrella. Or you might go attired as some other less prominent +member of the nobility--for instance, Lady Dartmouth, whose +delightful costume is more or less featured in the advertising on +our better class subways and street cars, and can be obtained at +a comparatively small cost at any reliable dry goods store. + +Should you, however, feel that you would be more at ease in a +male costume, there are several suggestions which might cleverly +conceal your real identity. You might, for example, attend the +ball as Jurgen--a costume which would assure you a pleasurable +evening and many pleasing acquaintances. You might, with equal +satisfaction, go as an Indian. + +It occurs to me that it might even be a clever move to attend the +party dressed as a Dry Agent. All suspicion would be instantly +lost in the uproar of laughter which would greet your +announcement of your disguise; many men would probably so far +enter into the spirit of the joke as to offer you drinks from +their flasks, and much valuable evidence could be obtained in +this way. And the costume is quite easy--simply wear a pleated +soft-bosom dress shirt with your evening dress, and tuck the ends +of your black tie under your collar. + + +{illustration caption = +Packets of old letters, bits of verse, locks of hair, pressed +flowers, inscribed books, photographs, etc., all make acceptable +wedding gifts. By telling you whether they should be presented to +the Bride or to the Groom PERFECT BEHAVIOR has, we feel, settled +the question of future happiness in many a new-made home.} + +{illustration caption = +You are, let us say, one of the Ushers attending the Bachelor +Dinner. You are handed a bottle of Chateau Lafitte '69. Can you +select, from the diagram above, the proper implement to use in +getting at its contents? The correct methods of choosing and +using table hardware are explained in PERFECT BEHAVIOR.} + +{illustration caption = +The young couple in the picture are trying to word a plausible +letter of regret in answer to an invitation to a house-party. Had +they consulted their PERFECT BEHAVIOR they would have known that +there is no plausible excuse for not accepting any invitation +whatever, and that the simplest and most dignified, method is to +write the attached model letter.} + +{illustration caption = +Not realizing his mistake, the Groom stands waiting for the +Bridal Procession, apparently in high spirits and the best of +health. Such an attitude toward a wedding is in the worst +possible taste. PERFECT BEHAVIOR tells all about the correct +appearance and conduct of Bridegrooms.} + +{illustration caption = +The Best Man has just been introduced to the Maid of Honor. +Instead of waiting for her to extend her hand and make the +acknowledgment, he has turned on his heel and bolted from the +room. This constitutes a social blunder, after the commission of +which he could never again, in polite society, be considered +quite a gentleman. PERFECT BEHAVIOR would have told him how the +man of birth and breeding learns to face anything with perfect +"Sang froid."} + +{illustration caption = +The Groom has just presented his Best Man to his sister, who, +though she is more than eager to make every one feel at home, has +failed to make at once the pun "de rigueur" on the words "best +man." An awkward silence has ensued. What is to be done? Should +one of the gentlemen fill the breach by making the pun for her? +If so, which? PERFECT BEHAVIOR covers the whole subject of making +the "best man" pun authoritatively.} + +{illustration caption = +The young man at the right does not know how to drink. +Nevertheless, he has been selected by a friend to act as Best Man +at his wedding and has attended the Bachelor Dinner. Instead of +doing what he should do under the circumstances, he is making +himself conspicuous by remaining coherent while the others sing +"Mademoiselle from Alabam'." Had the Bridegroom provided himself +with a copy of PERFECT BEHAVIOR he would have known better than +to have selected him.} + + +GOOD FORM FOR DRY AGENTS DURING A RAID + +After the costume, you should arrange to obtain a mask and a +breath. The former is, of course, for the purpose of hiding your +identity; the latter is essential at any party where you wish to +remain inconspicuous. A good whisky breath can usually be +obtained from a bottle of any of the better known brands of +Scotch or Rye whisky by holding a small quantity of the liquor in +the mouth for a short period of time. It is not, of course, +necessary to swallow the liquor and in this connection I would +suggest that you use only the best grade whisky, for there are at +present being manufactured for domestic consumption several +brands which, if held in the mouth for a longer interval than, +say, three seconds, are apt to eat away the tongue or dissolve +several of your more important teeth. + +On the night of the party, therefore, having donned your Dry +Agent costume, having put on your mask, having secured a good +breath--you jump into a taxicab and drive to the Glen Cove +Country Club. And, as you enter the door of the club, some girl, +dressed, probably, as Martha Washington, will run up and kiss +you. This is not because she thinks you are George Washington; it +is because she drank that eighth Bronx cocktail at dinner. + +And right at this point is where most Dry Agents have displayed +their ignorance of the usages of polite society, for most of them +are wofully ignorant of the correct way to handle such a +situation. Your average Dry Agent, not being accustomed to the +ways of Younger Marrieds, is often confused upon being +unexpectedly kissed, and in his confusion betrays his unfortunate +lack of social training. + +The correct way to meet the above situation is based on the +fundamental rule of all social etiquette--common sense. Return +the lady's kiss in an easy, natural manner and pass on. If she +follows you, lead her at once to a quiet unoccupied corner of the +club and knock her over the head with a chair or some other +convenient implement. It has been found that this is the only +effective way to deal with this type of woman and it is really +only a kindness to her and her husband to keep her from +embarrassing you with her attentions during the rest of the +evening. + +After you have removed your coat, you should go to the ball room +where you will find the dance in full swing--full being of course +used in its common or alcoholic sense. Take your place in the +stag line and don't, under any circumstances, allow anyone to +induce you to cut in on any of the dancers. In the first place, +you won't be able to dance because Dry Agents, like Englishmen, +never can; secondly, if you TRY to dance, you are taking the +enormous chance, especially at a masquerade, that the man who +introduced you to your partner will disappear for the rest of the +evening, leaving you with Somebody's Albatross hanging around +your neck. And, of all Albatrosses, the married one is perhaps +farthest South--especially if she happens to be a little tight +and wants to talk about her husband and children. + +Your policy, therefore, should be one of complete +non-partisanship. If you do not dance, do not let yourself be +drawn into conversation, and do not, above all things, show any +consideration for the host or hostess. By closely observing the +actions of the men and women about you, by wandering down into +the club bar, by peeking into the automobiles parked outside the +club, you will probably be able to obtain sufficient evidence of +the presence of alcohol to justify a raid. And then, when you +have raided the Glen Cove Country Club, you can turn your +attention to the 12,635,439 other clubs and private houses where +the same thing is going on. And, if Mr. Volstead has a dress +suit, you might take him with you, and show him just how +beautifully Prohibition is working and how enthusiastic the +better classes of American society are about it. + + + +CHAPTER SIX: A CHAPTER FOR SCHOOLGIRLS + +Every Fall a larger number of young girls leave home to come East +to the various Finishing Schools in this section of the country. +For the benefit of those who are making this trip for the first +time, we outline a few of the more important points in connection +with the preliminaries to the trip East, together with minute +instructions as to the journey itself. + + +SELECTING A PROPER SCHOOL + +This is, of course, mainly a parent's problem and is best solved +by resorting to the following formula: Let A and B represent two +young girls' finishing schools in the East. Mrs. Raleigh-Jones +(X), from the West, sends her daughter to A; Mrs. Borax (Y), from +the same city, sends her daughter to B. Upon consulting the local +social register, it is found that Mr. Raleigh-Jones is a member +of the Union, Colonial, Town and Country, and Valley Hunt Clubs; +upon consulting the telephone directory it is found that the +Boraxes live at 1217 S. Main Street, and that Mr. Borax is an +undertaker. Shall Mrs. F. B. Gerald (Z) send her daughter Annette +to A or to B, and why? + +Answer: A, because life is real, life is earnest, and the grave +is not its goal. + + +CORRECT EQUIPMENT FOR THE SCHOOLGIRL + +Having selected an educational institution, the next requisite is +a suitable equipment. Girls who live in other parts of the United +States are often surprised to discover that the clothes which +they have purchased at the best store in their home town are +totally unsuited for the rough climate of the East. I would, +therefore, recommend the following list, subject, of course, to +variation in individual cases. + +1 Dress, chine, crepe de, pink, for dancing. +1 Dress, chine, crepe de, pink, for petting. +1 Dress, Swiss, Dotted, blue, or +1 Dress, Swiss, undotted, white. +15 yards Tulle, best quality, pink. +4 bottles perfume, domestic, or +1 bottle, perfume, French. +12 Dozen Dorine, men's pocket size. +6 Soles, cami, assorted. +1 Brassiere, or riding habit. +100 boxes aspirin, for dances and house-parties. +1 wave, permanent, for conversation. +24 waves, temporary. +10,000 nets, hair. +100,000 pins, hair. +1 bottle Quelques Fleurs, for knockout. + + +EN ROUTE + +After the purchase of a complete outfit, it will be necessary to +say goodbye to one's local friends. Partings are always somewhat +sad, but it will be found that much simple pleasure may be +derived from the last nights with the various boys to whom one is +engaged. + +In this connection, however, it would be well to avoid making any +rash statements regarding undying friendship and affection, +because, when you next see Eddie or Walter, at Christmas time, +you will have been three months in the East, while they have been +at the State University, and really, after one starts dancing +with Yale men--well, it's a funny world. + +In case you do not happen to meet any friends on the train, the +surest way to protect yourself from any unwelcome advances is to +buy a copy of the Atlantic Monthly and carry it, in plain view. +Next to a hare lip, this is the safest protection for a +travelling young girl that I know of; it has, however, the one +objection that all the old ladies on the train are likely to tell +you what they think of Katherine Fullerton Gerould, or their +rheumatism. + +If you are compelled to go to the dining car alone, you will +probably sit beside an Elk with white socks, who will call the +waiter "George." Along about the second course he will say to +you, "It's warm for September, isn't it?" to which you should +answer "No." That will dispose of the Elk. + +Across the table from you will be a Grand Army man and his wife, +going to visit their boy Elmer's wife's folks in Schenectady. +When the fish is served, the Grand Army man will choke on a bone. +Let him choke, but do not be too hopeful, as the chances are that +he will dislodge the bone. All will go well until the dessert, +when his wife will begin telling how raspberry sherbet always +disagrees with her. Offer her your raspberry sherbet. + +After dinner you may wish to read for a while, but the porter +will probably have made up all the berths for the night. It will +also be found that the light in your berth does not work, so you +will be awake for a long time; finally, just as you are leaving +Buffalo, you will at last get to sleep, and when you open your +eyes again, you will be--in Buffalo. + +There will be two more awakenings that night--once at Batavia, +where a merry wedding party with horns and cow bells will follow +the lucky bride and groom into your car, and once at Schenectady, +where the Pullman car shock-absorbing tests are held. The next +morning, tired but unhappy, you will reach New York. + + +A JOURNEY AROUND NEW YORK + +The Aquarium. Take Fifth Avenue Bus to Times Square. Transfer to +42nd Street Crosstown. Get off at 44th Street, and walk one block +south to the Biltmore. The most interesting fish will be found +underneath the hanging clock, near the telephone booths. + +Grant's Tomb. Take Fifth Avenue bus, and a light lunch. Change at +Washington Square to a blue serge or dotted Swiss. Ride to the +end of the line, and walk three blocks east. Then return the same +way you came, followed by three fast sets of tennis, a light +supper and early to bed. If you do not feel better in the +morning, cut out milk, fresh fruit and uncooked foods for a +while. + +Metropolitan Museum of Art. Take Subway to Brooklyn. (Flatbush.) +Then ask the subway guard where to go; he will tell you. + +The Bronx. Take three oranges, a lemon, three of gin, to one of +vermouth, with a dash of bitters. Serve cold. + +The Ritz. Take taxicab and fifty dollars. If you have only fifty +dollars the filet of sole Marguery is very good. + +Brooklyn Bridge. Terrible. And their auction is worse. + +When you have visited all these places, it will probably be time +to take the train to your school. + + +THE FIRST DAYS IN THE NEW SCHOOL + +The first week of school life is apt to be quite discouraging, +and we can not too emphatically warn the young girl not to do +anything rash under the influence of homesickness. It is in this +initial period that many girls, feeling utterly alone and +friendless, write those letters to boys back home which are later +so difficult to pass off with a laugh. It is during this first +attack of homesickness also that many girls, in their loneliness, +recklessly accept the friendship of other strange girls, only to +find out later that their new acquaintance's mother was a Miss +Gundlefinger of Council Bluffs, or that she lives on the south +side of Chicago. We advise: Go slow at first. + + +BECOMING ACCLIMATIZED + +In your first day at school you will be shown your room; in your +room you will find a sad-eyed fat girl. You will be told that +this will be your room mate for the year. You will find that you +have drawn a blank, that she comes from Topeka, Kan., that her +paw made his money in oil, and that she is religious. You will be +nice to her for the first week, because you aren't taking any +chances at the start; you will tolerate her for the rest of the +year, because she will do your lessons for you every night. + +Across the hall from you there will be two older girls who are +back for their second year. One of them will remind you of the +angel painted on the ceiling of the Victory Theatre back home, +until she starts telling about her summer at Narragansett; from +the other you will learn how to inhale. + + +A VISITOR FROM PRINCETON + +About the middle of the first term your cousin Charley Waldron, +that freshman at Princeton, will write and say that he would like +to come up and see you. You go to Miss French and ask her if you +can have your cousin visit you. She sniffs at the "cousin" and +tell's you that she must have a letter from Charley's father, one +from Charley's minister, one from the governor of your state, and +one from some disinterested party certifying that Charley has +never been in the penitentiary, has never committed arson, and is +a legitimate child. After you have secured these letters, Miss +French will tell you that Charley will be allowed to see you next +Saturday from four till five. + +Charley will come and will be ushered into the reception room. +While he is sitting there alone, the entire school will walk +slowly, one by one, past the open door and look in at him. This +will cause Charley to perspire freely and to wish to God he had +worn his dark suit. + +It is not at all likely that you will be allowed to go to New +Haven during your first year, which is quite a pity, as this +city, founded in 1638, is rich in historical interest. It was +here, for example, in 1893, that Yale defeated Harvard at +football, and the historic Pigskin which was used that day is +still preserved intact. Many other quaint relics are to be seen +in and around the city of elms, mementos of the past which bring +to the younger generation a knowledge and respect for things +gone. In the month of June, for example, there is really nothing +which quite conjures up for the college youth of today a sense of +the mutability and impermanence of this mortal life so much as +the sight of a member of the class of 1875 after three days' +intensive drinking. Eheu fugaces! + + +{illustration caption = +"Who shall write first?" is a question that has perplexed many a +lady or gentleman who is anxious to do the correct thing under +any circumstances. A lady who has left town may send a brief note +or a "P. P. C." ("pour prendre conge," i.e., "to take leave") +card to a gentleman who remains at home, if the gentleman is her +husband and if she has left town with his business partner. +Neither the note nor the card requires an acknowledgment, but +many a husband takes pleasure in penning his congratulations to +the lady, concluding with an expression of gratitude to his +friend.} + + + +CHAPTER SEVEN: THE ETIQUETTE OF GAMES AND SPORTS + +GOLF AS A PASTIME + +"Golf" (from an old Scottish word meaning "golf") is becoming +increasingly popular in the United States, and almost every city +now has at least one private club devoted to the pursuit of this +stylish pastime. Indeed, in many of our larger metropolises, the +popular enthusiasm has reached such heights that free "public" +courses have been provided for the citizens with, I may say, +somewhat laughable results, as witness the fact that I myself +have often seen persons playing on these "public" courses in +ordinary shirts and trousers, tennis shoes, and SUSPENDERS. + +The influence of this "democratization" on the etiquette of what +was once an exclusive sport has been, in many instances, +deplorable, and I am sure that our golf-playing forefathers would +turn over in their graves were they to "play around" today on one +of the "public" courses. In no pastime are the customs and +unwritten laws more clearly defined, and it is essential that the +young lady or gentleman of fashion who contemplates an afternoon +on the "links" devote considerable time and attention to the +various niceties of the etiquette of this ancient and honorable +game. + +A young man, for example, when playing with his employer, should +always take pains to let his employer win. This is sometimes +extremely difficult, but with practice even the most stubborn of +obstacles can be overcome. On the first tee, for instance, after +the employer, having swung and missed the ball completely one or +two times, has managed to drive a distance of some forty-nine +yards to the extreme right, the young man should take care to +miss the ball completely THREE times, and then drive forty-eight +yards to the extreme left. This is generally done by closing the +eyes tightly and rising up sharply on both toes just before +hitting the ball. + +On the "greens" it is customary for a young man to "concede" his +employer every "putt" which is within twenty feet of the hole. If +the employer insists on "putting" [Ed. note:--He won't] and +misses, the young man should take care to miss his own "putt." +After both have "holed out," the young man should ask, "how many +strokes, sir?" The employer will reply, "Let me see--I think I +took seven for this hole, didn't I?" A well-bred young man will +not under any circumstances remind his employer that he saw him +use at least three strokes for the drive, three strokes for his +second shot, four strokes in the "rough," seven strokes in the +"bunker," and three "putts" on the "green," but will at once +reply, "No, sir, I think you only took six, altogether." The +employer will then say, "Well, well, call it six. I generally get +five on this hole. What did you take?" The young man should then +laugh cheerily and reply, "Oh, I took my customary seven." To +which the employer will sympathetically say, "Too bad!" + +After the employer has thus won his first three holes he will +begin to offer the young man advice on how to improve his game. +This is perhaps the most trying part of the afternoon's sport, +but a young man of correct breeding and good taste will always +remember the respect due an older man, and will not make the +vulgar error of telling his employer for God's sake shut up +before he gets a brassie in his ---- ---- ear. + +A wife playing with her husband should do everything in her power +to make the game enjoyable for the latter. She should encourage +him, when possible, with little cheering proverbs, such as, "If +at first you don't succeed, try, try again," and she should aid +him with her advice when she thinks he is in need of it. Thus, +when he drives into the sycamore tree on number eleven, she +should say, "Don't you think, dear, that if you aimed a little +bit more to the right. . . ." et cetera. When they come to number +fourteen, and his second shot lands in the middle of the lake, +she should remark, "Perhaps you didn't hit it hard enough, dear." +And when, on the eighteenth, his approach goes through the +second-story window of the club-house, she should say, "Dear, I +wonder if you didn't hit that too hard?" Such a wife is a true +helpmate, and not merely a pretty ornament on which a silly +husband can hang expensive clothes, and if he is the right sort +of man, he will appreciate this, and refrain from striking her +with a niblick after this last remark. + +A young wife who does not play the game herself can, +nevertheless, be of great help to her husband by listening +patiently, night after night, while he tells her how he drove the +green on number three, and took a four on number eight (Par +five), and came up to the fourteenth one under fours. Caddies +should be treated at all times with the respect and pity due +one's fellow creatures who are "unfortunate." The sins of the +fathers are visited upon the children, and one should always +remember that it is not, after all, the poor caddy's fault that +he was born blind. + + +AN AFTERNOON AT THE OLD FARM WITH THE DICE + +"Craps" is a game played with dice, which is often popular in the +men's coat and smoking-rooms before and during formal receptions, +balls, recitals, etcetera. It should not be imagined, however, +that "craps" is a sport for men only; on the contrary, smart +women are enthusiastically taking up this sport in numerous +localities, and many an affair which started as a dinner party or +a musicale has ended in a crap game, with all the guests seated +in an excited circle on the floor, contributing to the host's +efforts to make expenses for the evening. + +It is in connection with these "mixed" games, however, that most +of the more serious questions of "craps" etiquette arise. If, for +example, you are a young man desirous of "shooting craps" with +your grandmother, the correct way of indicating your desire when +you meet the old lady in a public place is for you to remove your +hat deferentially and say "Shoot a nickel, Grandmother?" If she +wishes to play she will reply "Shoot, boy!" and you should then +select some spot suitable for the game and assist her, if she +wishes your aid, to kneel on the ground. It might be an added +mark of gentility to offer her your handkerchief or coat upon +which to rest her knees. + +You should then take out the dice and "shoot." Your grandmother +will look at your "throw" and say, "Oh, boy! He fives--he +fives--a three and a two--never make a five--come on, you baby +seven!" You should then take up the dice again and shake them in +your right hand while your grandmother chants, "A four and a +three--a four and a two--dicety dice, and an old black joe--come +on, you SEVEN!" You should then again "shoot." This time, as you +have thrown a six and a one, your grandmother will then exclaim, +"He sevens--the boy sevens--come on to grandmother, dice--talk to +the nice old lady--Phoebe for grandma, dice, for grandpa needs a +new pair of shoes--shoot a dime!" + +She will then "throw," and so the game will go on until the old +lady evidences a desire to stop, or, possibly, until either you +or she are "cleaned out." In this latter case, however, it would +be a customary act of courtesy towards an older person for you to +offer to shoot your grandmother for her shawl or her side combs, +thus giving her several more chances to win back the money she +has lost. It should be recommended that young men never make a +mistake in going a little out of their way on occasion to make +life more pleasant and agreeable for the aged. + + +CORRECT BEHAVIOR ON A PICNIC + +There often comes a time in the life of the members of "society" +when they grow a little weary of the ceaseless round of teas, +balls and dinners, and for such I would not hesitate to recommend +a "picnic." + +A day spent in the "open," with the blue sky over one's head, is +indeed a splendid tonic for jaded nerves. But one should not make +the mistake of thinking that because he (or she) is "roughing it" +for a day, he (or she) can therefore leave behind his (or her) +"manners," for such is not the case. There is a distinct +etiquette for picnics, and any one who disregards this fact is +apt to find to his (or her) sorrow that the "shoe" in this case +is decidedly "on the other foot." + +A young man, for example, is often asked by a young lady to +accompany her on a "family picnic." To this invitation he should, +after some consideration,, reply either "Yes" or "No," and if the +former, he should present himself at the young lady's house +promptly on the day set for the affair (usually Sunday). + +A "family picnic" generally consists of a Buick, a father, a +mother, a daughter, a small son, beef loaf, lettuce sandwiches, a +young man (you), two blow-outs, one spare tire, and Aunt +Florence. + +The father drives with his small boy beside him; in the rear are +the mother, the daughter, Aunt Florence, the thermos bottles, the +lunch baskets and you. As you take your seat you must remember +that it is a distinct evidence of bad breeding to show in any way +that you are conscious of the fact that the car has been standing +for the last hour and forty-four minutes in the hot July sun. + +"We're off!" cries father, pressing his foot on the self-starting +pedal. Thirty minutes later you roll away from the curb and the +picnic has begun. The intervening time has, of course, been +profitably spent by you in walking to the nearest garage for two +new sparkplugs. + +It should be your duty, as guest, to see that the conversation in +the rear seat is not allowed to lag. "It's a great day," you +remark, as the car speeds along. "I think it's going to rain," +replies Aunt Florence. "Not too fast, Will!" says mother. +"Mother!" says the daughter. + +Ten minutes later you should again remark, "My, what a wonderful +day!" "Those clouds are gathering in the west," says Aunt +Florence, "I think we had better put the top up." "I think this +is the wrong road," says mother. + +"Dear, I know what I'm doing," replies father. + +The secret of good conversation lies in discovering the "hobby" +of the person with whom one is conversing, and a good talker +always throws out several "feelers" in order to find out the +things in which his partner is most interested. You should, +therefore, next say to mother, "Don't you think this is a +glorious day for a picnic?" to which she will reply, "Well, I'm +sure this is the wrong road. Hadn't you better ask?" The husband +will answer nothing, but Aunt Florence will murmur, "I think I +felt a drop of rain, Will. If you don't put the top up now, we'll +all be drenched." + +The husband will then stop the car, and you and he will proceed +to put up the top. In doing this, it is customary for the guest +to get the second and third fingers of his right hand so severely +pinched that he can not use the hand for several days. As soon as +the top is up and the rain curtains are in place the sun will +come out and you can at once get out and put the top down, taking +care this time to ruin two fingers of the LEFT hand. + +No good conversationalist confines himself exclusively to one +subject, and when you are once more "under way" you should remark +to the mother, "I think that motoring is great fun, don't you, +Mrs. Caldwell?" Her answer will be, "I wish you wouldn't drive so +fast!" You should then smile and say to Aunt Florence, "Don't YOU +think that motoring is great fun, Mrs. Lockwood?" As she is about +to reply, the left rear tire will blow out with a loud noise and +the car will come to a bumping stop. + +The etiquette of changing a tire is fairly simple. As soon as the +"puncture" occurs one should at once remark, "Is there anything I +can do?" This request should be repeated from time to time, +always taking care, however, that no one takes it at all +seriously. The real duty of a young man who is a "guest" on a +motor trip on which a "blow-out" occurs is, of course, to keep +the ladies of the party amused during the delay. This can be +accomplished by any of the conventional methods, such as card +tricks, handsprings, and other feats of athletic agility, or +making funny jokes about the host who is at work on the tire. + +When the damage has been repaired and the car is once more +speeding along, leaving behind it mile after mile of dusty road +as well as father's best "jack" and set of tire tools, the small +boy will suddenly remark, "I'm hungry." His father will then +reply, "We'll be at a fine place to eat in ten minutes." Thirty +minutes later mother will remark, "Will, that looks like a good +place for a picnic over there." The father will reply, "No--we're +coming to a wonderful place--just trust me, Mary!" Twenty minutes +later Aunt Florence will say, "Will, I think that grove over +there would be fine for our lunch," to which the husband will +reply, "We're almost at the place I know about--it's ideal for a +picnic." Forty minutes after this, father will stop the car and +point to a clump of trees. "There," he will say, "what do you +think of that?" "Oh, we can't eat THERE!" will be the answer of +mother, daughter and Aunt Florence. "Drive on a bit further--I +think I know a place." + +Three hours and thirty minutes later (i. e. four hours past your +normal lunch hour) there will be another puncture and as the car +stops beside a wheat field it will begin to rain, and the +daughter will sigh, "Well, we might as well eat here." The +"picnic" will then be held in the car, and nothing really quite +carries one back to nature and primeval man as does warm lemonade +and a lettuce sandwich in a Buick with the top up and side +curtains on. + +After lunch it will be time to return home, and after you and +father have ruined your clothes in repairing the punctures, the +merry party will proceed on its way. The next morning, if you +have not caught pneumonia, you will be able to go to your work +greatly refreshed by your day's outing in the lap of old Mother +Nature. + + +{illustration caption = +Nowhere is the etiquette of travel more abused than our subways. +The gentleman shown above is en route to his fiancee's flat in +the Bronx. He has neglected to purchase the customary bouquet for +his intended and has offered his seat to the lady, who is +standing, in exchange for her corsage bouquet. Should she accept +the proposition without further ado, or should she request the +guard to introduce the gentleman first?} + + +{illustration caption = +The young lady has received an invitation to a quilting-bee from +a Mrs. Steenwyck and, anxious to make a correct reply, she has +bought a Complete Letter Writer to aid her to this end. To her +surprise and dismay, she finds that it contains three model +replies to such an invitation beginning "Dear Mrs. Peartree," +"Dear Mrs. Rombouts," and "Dear Mrs. Bevy," and one invitation to +a christening beginning, "Dear Mrs. Steenwyck," but no reply to +an invitation to a quilting-bee beginning "Dear Mrs. Steenwyck." +PERFECT BEHAVIOR settles such perplexities.} + +{illustration caption = +Crests or other armorial bearings on notepaper are no longer +considered absolutely necessary to establish one's social +position. Nevertheless, if one feels that note-paper that does +not bear the family escutcheon is not quite all that note-paper +should be, it is permissible to have it stamped neatly at the top +of the first sheet. Care should be exercised to avoid selecting +coats-of-arms that might be recognized, such as that of the +United States or Great Britain. Rather solicit the taste of a +good stationer than commit the blunders depicted above.} + + + +BOXING IN AMERICAN SOCIETY + +Although many of America's foremost boxers have been persons whom +one would not care to know socially, yet much fun and pleasure +can be had out of the "manly art" if practised in a gentlemanly +manner. + +"Boxing parties" are generally held in the evening. The ballroom +of one's home can be pleasantly decorated for the occasion, with +a square ring roped off in the centre surrounded by seats for the +ladies and gentlemen who come as invited guests. Evening dress is +usually worn. + +The contests should be between various members of one's social +"set" who are fond of the sport and can be counted on to remember +at all times that they are gentlemen. + +The matches should be arranged in tournament form, so that the +winner of one bout meets the winner of the next bout, et cetera, +until all but two have been eliminated. The boxer who wins this +final contest shall be proclaimed the "champion." + +Great fun can then be had by announcing that the "champion" will +be permitted to box three rounds with a "masked marvel." The +identity of this "unknown" (who is usually Jack Dempsey or some +other noted professional pugilist) should be kept carefully +secret, so that all the guests are in a glow of mystified +excitement when the contest begins, and you can imagine their +delight and happy enthusiasm when the "masked marvel" cleverly +knocks the "champion" for a double loop through the ropes into +the lap of some tittering "dowager." + +Refreshments should then be served and the "champion" can be +carried home in a car or ambulance provided by the thoughtful +host. + + +BRIDGE WHIST + +"Bridge whist," or "Bridge," as it is often called by the younger +generation, is rapidly replacing whist as the favorite card game +of good society, and "bridge" parties are much en vogue for both +afternoon and evening entertainments. In order to become an +expert "bridge" player one must, of course, spend many months and +even years in a study of the game, but any gentleman or lady of +average intelligence can, I believe, pick up the fundamentals of +"bridge" in a short while. + +Let us suppose, for example, that you, as a "young man about +town," are invited to play "bridge" on the evening of Friday, +November seventeenth, at the home of Mrs. Franklin Gregory. Now, +although you may have played the game only once or twice in your +life, it would never do to admit the fact, for in good society +one is supposed to play "bridge" just as one is supposed to hate +newspaper publicity, and on the evening of Friday, November +seventeenth, you should present yourself in suitable attire at +Mrs. Gregory's home. + +There you will find fifteen or twenty other guests, and after a +few minutes of light social banter a bell will ring and the +players will take their places. At your table will be Mrs. F. +Jamison Dollings (your partner) and Mr. and Mrs. Theodore Watts. +Mrs. Dollings (Sept. 6, 1880) is considered one of the most +expert "bridge" players in the city, while Mr. Watts has one of +the largest retail clothing stores in the central part of the +State. Mrs. Watts was one of the Van Cortlandt girls (the plain +one). + +As you are probably (next to Mr. and Mrs. Watts) the worst +"bridge" player in the room it should be your duty to make up for +this deficiency by keeping the other three players +conversationally stimulated, for nothing so enlivens a game of +"bridge" as a young man or woman with a pleasing personality and +a gift for "small talk." Thus, at the very beginning, after you +have finished dealing the cards, you should fill in what seems to +you an embarrassing pause by telling one of your cleverest +stories, at the conclusion of which Mrs. Dollings will remark, +"We are waiting for your bid, Mr. S----." + +The etiquette of "bidding," as far as you are concerned, should +resolve itself into a consistent effort on your part to become +"dummy" for each and every game. The minute your partner (Mrs. +Dollings) bids anything, it should be your duty as a gentleman to +see that she gets it, no matter what the cost. + +Thus, on the first hand, you "pass." Mr. Watts then says, "Wait a +minute, till I get these cards fixed"; to which Mrs. Watts +replies, "Theodore, for Heaven's sake, how long do you want?" Mr. +Watts then says, "Which is higher--clubs or hearts?" to which +Mrs. Watts replies, "Clubs." Mrs. Dollings then says, "I beg your +pardon, but hearts have always been considered higher than +clubs." Mrs. Watts says, "Oh, yes, of course," and gives Mr. +Watts a mean look. Mr. Watts then says, "I bid--let's see--I bid +two spades --no, two diamonds." Mrs. Dollings quickly says, "Two +lilies," Mr. Watts says, "What's a lily?" to which Mrs. Watts +replies, "Theodore!" and then bids "Two spades," at which Mrs. +Dollings says, "I beg your pardon, but I have just bid two +spades." Mr. Watts then chuckles, and Mrs. Watts says (but not to +Mr. Watts), "I beg your pardon." Mrs. Watts then bids "Three +spades," at which you quickly say, "Four spades." + +This bid is not "raised." Mrs. Dollings then says to you, "I am +counting on your spades to help me out," at which you look at the +only spade in your hand (the three) and answer, "Ha! Ha! Ha!" +There is then a wait of four minutes, at the end of which Mrs. +Dollings wearily says, "It is your first lead, is it not, Mrs. +Watts?" Mrs. Watts then blushes, says, "Oh, I beg your pardon!" +and leads the four of hearts. You then lay down your "dummy" +hand. Before Mrs. Dollings has had time to discover just what you +have done to her, you should rise quickly and say, "Excuse me, +but I want to use the telephone a minute." You should then go +into the next room and wait ten or fifteen minutes. When you +return Mrs. Dollings will have disappeared, Mrs. Watts will be +looking fixedly at Mr. Watts, and Mr. Watts will be saying, +"Well, it's a silly game, anyway." + +You and Mr. and Mrs. Watts can then have a nice game of +twenty-five cent limit stud poker for the rest of the evening, +and it would certainly be considered a thoughtful and gracious +"gesture" if, during the next two or three weeks, you should call +occasionally at the hospital to see how Mrs. Dollings is "getting +on," or you might even send some flowers or a nice potted plant. + + +FORMAL AND INFORMAL DRINKING + +"Drinking" has, of course, always been a popular sport among the +members of the better classes of society, but never has the +enthusiasm for this pastime been so great in America as since the +advent of "prohibition." Gentlemen and ladies who never before +cared much for "drinking" have now given up almost all other +amusements in favor of this fascinating sport; young men and +debutantes have become, in the last few years, fully as expert in +the game as their parents. In many cities "drinking" has become +more popular than "bridge" or dancing and it is predicted that, +with a few more years of "prohibition," "drinking" will supersede +golf and baseball as the great American pastime. + +The effect of this has been to change radically many of the +fundamental rules of the sport, and the influence on the +etiquette of the game has been no less marked. What was +considered "good form" in this pastime among our forefathers now +decidedly demode, and the correct drinker of 1910 is as obsolete +and out of date in the present decade as the "frock-coat." + +The game today is divided into (a) formal and (b) informal +drinking. "Formal drinking" is usually played after dinner and is +more and more coming to take the place of charades, +sleight-of-hand performances, magic lantern shows, "dumb crambo," +et cetera, as the parlor amusement par excellence. "Formal +drinking" can be played by from one to fifteen people in a house +of ordinary dimensions; for a larger number it is generally +better to provide a garage, a large yard, and special police, +fire and plate glass insurance. The game is played with glasses, +ice, and a dozen bottles of either whisky or gin. + +The sport is begun by the host's wife, who says, "How would you +all like to play a little bridge?" This is followed by silence. +Another wife then says, "I think it would be awfully nice to play +a little bridge." One of the men players then steps forward and +says "I think it would be awfully nice to have a little drink." + +An "It" is then selected--always, by courtesy, the host. The "It" +then says, "How would you all like to have a little drink?" The +men players then answer in the affirmative and the "It's" wife +says, "Now Henry dear, please--remember what happened last time." +The "It" replies, "Yes, dear," and goes into the cellar, while +the "It's" wife, after providing each guest with a glass, puts +away the Dresden china clock, the porcelain parrot. and the gold +fish globe. + +Sides are chosen--usually with the husbands on one "team" and the +wives on the other. The purpose of the game is for the +"husbands', team" to try to drink up all the "It's" liquor before +the "wives' team" can get them to go home. + +When the "It" returns with the liquor he pours out a portion for +each player and at a given signal all drink steadily for several +minutes. The "It's" wife then says, "Now--how about a few rubbers +of bridge?" She is immediately elected "team captain" for the +rest of the evening. It is the duty of the "team captain" to +provide cracked ice and water, to get ready the two spare +bedrooms, to hold Wallie Spencer's hand, to keep Eddie Armstrong +from putting his lighted cigaret ends on the piano, and to break +up the party as soon as possible. The game generally ends when +(1) the liquor is all gone, (2) the "It" (or three guests) have +passed "out," (3) Wallie Spencer starts telling about his war +experiences. "Informal" drinking needs, of course, no such +elaborate preparations and can be played anywhere and any time +there is anything to drink. The person who is caught with the +liquor is "It," and the object of the game is to take all the +liquor away from the "It" as soon as possible. In order to avoid +being "It," many players sometimes resort to various low +subterfuges, such as sneaking down alone to the club locker-room +during a dance, but this practise is generally looked upon with +great disfavor--especially by that increasingly large group of +citizens who are unselfishly devoting their lives to the cause of +a "dry America" by consuming all of the present rapidly +diminishing visible supply. + + +A JOLLY HALLOWE'EN PARTY + +The problem of providing suitable entertainment for one's +informal parties is something which has perplexed many a host and +hostess in recent years. How often has it happened that just when +you had gotten your guests nicely seated around the parlor +listening to the Caruso record, some ill-mannered fellow would +remark, "Oh, Lord--let's go over to the Tom Phillips' and get +something to drink." How many times in the past have you prepared +original little "get-together" games, such as Carol Kennicott did +in Main Street, only to find that, when you again turned the +lights on, half the company had disappeared for the evening. + +Of course we cannot all be as startlingly clever as Carol, but +Hallowe'en, which comes this year on October 31st, offers a +splendid opportunity for originality and "peppy" fun. The +following suggestions are presented to ambitious hostesses with +the absolute guaranty that no matter what other reactions her +guests may have, they will certainly not be bored. + + +{illustration caption = +Few people realize the value of picture post-cards as indicators +of the birth, breeding, and character of the sender, yet nothing +so definitely "places" a person socially as his choice of these +souvenirs. Could you have selected the senders of the above +cards?} + +{illustration caption = +In spite of his haughty airs and fine clothes, the gentleman +betrays that he is not much accustomed to good society when, +having been asked by his hostess if he would care to remove his +coat and waistcoat during the warm evening of bridge, he, in +doing so, reveals the presence of several useful cards hidden +about his person. This sort of thing, while often tolerated at +less formal "stag" poker-parties, is seldom, ever, permissible +when ladies are present. The young man was simply ignorant of the +fact that Hoyle and not Herman the Great is the generally +accepted authority on cards in the "beau monde."} + + + +INVITATIONS + +The whole spirit of Hallowe'en is, of course, one of "spooky" +gayety and light-hearted ghastliness. Witches and ghosts run +riot; corpses dance and black cats howl. "More work for the +undertaker" should be the leitmotif of the evening's fun. + +The moribund spirit can be delightfully observed, first of all, +in the preparation of the invitations. I know of one hostess, for +instance, who gained a great reputation for originality by +enclosing a dead fish with each bidding to the evening's +gayeties. It is, of course, not at all necessary to follow her +example to the letter; the enclosure of anything dead will +suffice, providing, of course, that it is not TOO dead. There is +such a thing as carrying a joke beyond the limits of propriety, +and the canons of good taste should always be respectfully +observed. + +Another amusing way of preparing invitations is to cut out +colored paper in the shape of cats, witches, etc., upon which +appropriate verses are inscribed. Such as: + + "Next Monday night is Hallowe'en, + You big stiff." + or + "On Monday next comes All-Hallows-Even, + My grandmother's maiden name was Stephens." + or + "On Hallowe'en you may see a witch + If you don't look out, you funny fellow." + or + "Harry and I are giving a Hallowe'en party; + Harry says you owe him four dollars; please be + prompt.)) + or + "Monday night the ghosts do dance; + Why didn't you enlist and go to France, + You slacker?" + + +Another novel invitation is made by cutting a piece of yellow +paper thirteen inches long and four inches wide, and writing on +each inch one of the lines given below. Then begin at the bottom +and fold the paper up, inch by inch. Fasten the last turn down +with a "spooky" gummed sticker, and slip into a small envelope. +When the recipient unfolds the invitation, he will be surprised +to read the following: + + Now what on earth + do you suppose + is in this + little folder + keep turning + ha ha ha + further + ha ha ha + further + ha ha ha, + further + ha ha ha + further + + +It would perhaps be best to telephone the next day to those +guests whom you really want, and give them further details as to +the date and time of the party. Additional fun can be gotten out +of this invitation by failing to put postage stamps on the +envelopes when you mail them; the two cents which each guest will +have to pay for postage due can be returned in a novel manner on +the night of the party by inserting them in sandwiches or stuffed +tomatoes. + +For those who may wish to send out more elaborate invitations, +the following distinctly original plan is suggested: Procure a +number of small alarm clocks and a quantity of nitroglycerine or +other high explosive. Insert in each clock a small amount of the +nitroglycerine, being careful not to put too much; a quantity +sufficient to wreck a room 20 X 30 Will generally suffice. Then +arrange the alarm mechanism so that the explosion will occur at +12 midnight. Attach to the clock a card, neatly decorated with +witches, goblins, etc., on which is written + + "Midnight is the mystic hour + Of yawning graves and coffins dour. + Beneath your bed this clock please hide + And when it strikes---you'll be surprised." + + +These clocks should then be delivered in the afternoon to those +of the guests whom you are merely inviting because they are your +husband's business associates, or because they were nice to your +mother when she did her own work. Later on, in order to avoid +hard feelings on the part of relatives and friends of the +deceased, it might be well to explain to them that you sent the +clocks only in the spirit of Hallowe'en fun; it might even help +to invite them to one of your next parties. + + +RECEIVING THE GUESTS + +On Hallowe'en night great care should be taken in the +preparations for receiving the guests in a mystic manner; no +pains should be spared in the effort to start the evening off +with a "bang." + +Several novel ideas are offered for starting the guests off on +the right informal spirit. Before they arrive, it is a good plan +to take the street number off your house and fasten it to the +porch of your next door neighbors, who will, of course, be at +home because they are perfectly impossible people whom no one +would invite anywhere. Extinguish all the lights in your own +house; your neighbor, as he comes downstairs twenty-five or +thirty times in the next hour, will obligingly tell your +bewildered friends specifically where to go. + +When the guest finally learns from the neighborhood policeman +which house on the block is really yours he will discover on your +door a sign reading: + + "If you would be my Valentine, + Follow please the bright green line." + + +Leading from the door is a green cord which the mystified guest +proceeds to follow, according to directions. This cord should +guide the way to the coal cellar of your other neighbor who has +recently purchased an automatic revolver under the delusion that +burglars are operating in the neighborhood. As your bewildered +guest gropes his way about the cellar, it is quite likely that he +will be shot at several times and by the time he emerges (if he +does emerge) he will be quite delightfully full of the informal +spirit of Hallowe'en and ready for anything. + + +HOW TO MYSTIFY + +At this point, your wife, dressed as a witch, should unexpectedly +rush out at him; there is always the delightful possibility that +he will pick up a convenient rock and brain her on the spot--an +event which often adds an unexpected touch of gayety to the +evening's fun. If, however, no such event occurs, the guest +should be blindfolded and led into the house. Once inside he is +conducted upstairs to the attic, where he will find three or four +earlier arrivals also blindfolded. + +The hands and feet of these four are then securely tied and they +are told that they are to be left there all evening. This is +really a great joke, because they do not, of course, at the time, +believe what you say, and when you come up to untie them the next +morning, their shame-faced discomposure is truly laughable. + +The green-cord-into-neighbor's-coal-cellar joke can be cleverly +varied by taking the lid off your cistern and making the green +line lead in that direction. Great care should be taken, however, +to keep an exact account of the number of guests who succumb to +this trick, for although an unexpected "ducking" is +excruciatingly humorous, drowning often results fatally. + +Great fun can be added to the evening's entertainment by dressing +several of the guests as ghosts, witches, corpses, etc; these +costumes can be quite simply and economically made in the home, +or can be procured from some reliable department store. + +An "old-fashioned" witch's costume consists of a union suit +(Munsing or any other standard brand), corset, brassiere, +chemise, underpetticoat, overpetticoat, long black skirt, long +black stockings, shoes, black waist and shawl, with a pointed +witch's hat and a broomstick. The "modern" witch's costume is +much simpler and inexpensive in many details. + +A particularly novel and "hair raising" effect may be produced by +painting the entire body of one of the male guests with +phosphorus. As this glowing nude stalks uncannily through the +darkened rooms you may easily imagine the ghastly +effect--especially upon his wife. + + +GAMES + +After the guests have sufficiently amused themselves with the +ghosts and witches it will be time to commence some of the many +games which are always associated with Hallowe'en. "Bobbing for +apples" is, of course, the most common of these games and great +sport it is, too, to watch the awkward efforts of the guests as +they try to pick up with their teeth the apples floating in a +large tub. I know of one hostess who added greatly to the +evening's fun by pouring twelve quarts of gin into the tub; the +effect on the bobbers was, of course, extremely comical, except +for the unfortunate conduct of two gentlemen, one of whom went to +sleep in the tub, the other so far forgetting himself as +playfully to throw all the floating fruit at the hostess' pet +Pomeranian. + +Most Hallowe'en games concern themselves with delving into the +future in the hopes that one may there discover one's husband or +bride-to-be. In one of these games the men stand at one end of +the room, facing the girls, with their hands behind their backs +and eyes tightly closed. The girls are blindfolded and one by one +they are led to within six feet of the expectant men and given a +soft pin cushion which they hurl forward. The tradition is that +whichever man the girl hits, him will she marry. Great fun can be +added to the game by occasionally substituting a rock or iron +dumb-bell in place of the romantic pin cushion. + +Another game based on a delightful old Hallowe'en tradition is as +follows: A girl is given a lighted candle and told to walk +upstairs into the room at the end of the hall where, by looking +in a mirror, she will see her future husband. Have it arranged so +that you are concealed alone in the room. When the girl arrives, +look over her shoulder into the mirror. She had better go +downstairs after ten minutes, though, so that another girl can +come up. This tradition dates from before William the Conqueror. + +No Hallowe'en is complete, of course, without fortune telling. +Dress yourself as a wizard and have the guests led in one by one +to hear their fortune told. Hanging in front of you should be a +caldron, from which you extract the slip of paper containing the +particular fortune. These slips of paper should be prepared +beforehand. The following are suggested: + +"You will meet a well dressed, good looking man who understands +you better than your husband. How about Thursday at the Plaza?" + +"You are about to receive a shipment of Scotch whisky that you +ordered last month. And it's about time you kicked across with +some of your own." + +"You will have much trouble in your life if you lie about your +golf score as you did last Sunday on Number 12." + +Still another pleasing Hallowe'en game, based on the revelation +of one's matrimonial future, is played as follows: Seven lighted +candles are placed in a row on a table. The men are then +blindfolded, whirled around three times and commanded to blow out +the candles. The number extinguished at a blow tells the number +of years before they meet their bride. This game only grows +interesting, of course, when some old goat with long whiskers can +be induced to take a blind shot at blowing out the candles. Have +Pyrene convenient--but not too convenient to spoil the fun. + +For the older members of the party, the host should provide +various games of cards and dice. In keeping with the ghastly +spirit of the occasion, it would be well to have the dice +carefully loaded. Many hosts have thus been able to make all +expenses and often a handsome profit out of the evening's +entertainment. + +If the crap game goes particularly well, many hosts do not +hesitate to provide elaborate refreshments for the guests. Here, +too, the spirit of fun and jollity should prevail, and great +merriment is always provoked by the ludicrous expression of the +guest who has broken two teeth on the cast-iron olive. Other +delightful surprises should be arranged, and a little Sloan's +liniment in the punch or ground glass in the ice cream will go a +long way toward making the supper amusing. And finally, when the +guests are ready to depart and just before they discover that you +have cut cute little black cats and witches out of the backs of +their evening wraps and over coats, it would perhaps be well to +run up stairs and lock yourself securely in your room. + + + + +CHAPTER EIGHT: CORRESPONDENCE AND INVITATIONS + +CORRESPONDENCE + +It is narrated of a well-known English lady (who is noted on the +other side of the Atlantic for the sharpness of her wit) that on +one occasion, when a vainglorious American was boasting of his +country's prowess in digging the Panama Canal, she calmly waited +until he had finished and then replied, with an indescribable +smile, "Ah--but you Americans do not know how to write letters." +Needless to say the discomfited young man took himself off at the +earliest opportunity. + +There is much truth, alas, in the English lady's clever retort, +for the automatic typewriter, the telegraph, and the penny postal +card have done much to cause a gradual decline in the gentle art +of correspondence. As one American woman recently remarked to a +visitor (with more wit, however, than good taste), "Yes, we do +have correspondents here --but they are all in the divorce +courts." + + +CORRESPONDENCE FOR YOUNG LADIES + +There are certain rules in regard to correct letter-writing which +must be followed by all who would "take their pen in hand." Young +people are the most apt to offend in this respect against the +accepted canons of good taste and it is to these that I would +first address the contents of this chapter. A young girl often +lets her high spirits run away with her amour propre, with the +result that her letters, especially those addressed to strangers, +are often lacking in that dignity which is the sine qua non of +correct correspondence. + +Consider, for example, the following two letters composed by Miss +Florence ......, a debutante of New York City, who is writing to +a taxidermist thanking him for his neat work in having recently +stuffed her deceased pet Alice. The first of these letters +illustrates the evil to which I have just referred, viz., the +complete absence of proper dignity. The second, written with the +aid of her mama, whose experience in social affairs has been +considerable, shows the correct method of corresponding with +comparative strangers. + + +An Incorrect Letter from a Debutante to a Taxidermist Thanking +Him for Having Stuffed Her Pet Alice + +DEAR MR. Epps: + +Aren't you an old PEACH to have gone and stuffed Alice so +prettily! Really, Mr. Epps, I never saw such a knockout piece of +taxidermy, even in Europe, and I simply adore it. Mother gave a +dinner party last night and EVERYBODY was just wild about it and +wanted to know who had done it. How on EARTH did you manage to +get the wings to stay like that? And the eyes are just too +priceless for words. Honestly, every time I look at it, it's so +DARNED natural that I can't believe Alice is really dead. I guess +you must be pretty dog-goned crazy about birds yourself to have +done such a lovely job on Alice, and I guess you know how +perfectly sick I was over her death. Honestly, Mr. Epps, she was +such a PEACH of an owl. But I suppose it had to be, and anyway, +thanks just heaps for having done such a really perfectly +gorgeous bit of taxidermy. + Gratefully, + FLORENCE CHASE. +593 Fifth Avenue, +New York City. + + +The above is, you observe, quite lacking in that reserve with +which young ladies should always treat strange gentlemen and +especially those who are not in their own social "set." Slang may +be excusable in shop girls or baseball players, but never in the +mouth of a young lady with any pretensions to breeding. And the +use of "darned" and "dog-goned" is simply unpardonable. Notice, +now, the way in which Miss Florence writes the letter after, her +mama has given her the proper instruction. + +A Correct Letter from a Debutante to a Taxidermist Thanking Him +for Having Stuffed Her Pet Alice + +Mr. Lloyd Epps, Taxidermist, +New York City. +DEAR SIR: + +It is with sincere pleasure that I take my pen in hand to +compliment you upon the successful manner in which you have +rendered your services as taxidermist upon my late owl Alice. +Death in the animal kingdom is all too often regarded with an +unbecoming levity or, at least, a careless lack of sympathetic +appreciation, and it is with genuine feelings of gratitude that I +pen these lines upon the occasion of the receipt of the sample of +the excellent manner in which you have performed your task. Of +the same opinion is my father, a vice-president of the Guaranty +Trust Co., and himself a taxidermist of no inconsiderable merit, +who joins me in expressing to you our most grateful appreciation. + Sincerely yours, + FLORENCE ELIOT CHASE. +December 11, 1922. + + +{illustration caption = +The young man is leaving the home of his host in "high dudgeon." +He is of the type rather slangily known among the members of our +younger set as "finale hopper" which means, in the "King's +English," one who is very fond of dancing. His indignation is +well founded, since it is not the custom among members of the +socially elite to comment in the presence of the guest on either +the quantity of soup consumed or the method of consumption +adopted. These things should be left for the privacy of the +boudoir or smoking den where they will afford much innocent +amusement. Nor is the host mending matters by his kindly meant +but perhaps tactless offer of a nickel for carfare.} + +{illustration caption = +The gentleman with the excellent teeth has just been guilty of a +gross social error. Wrongly supposing that the secret of +popularity lies in a helpful spirit and having discovered that +the son of his hostess is about to enter a dental school, he has +removed the excellent teeth (false) from his mouth and passed +them around for inspection. The fact that the teeth are of the +latest mode does not in any way condone the breach. Leniency in +such matters is not recommended. "Facilis descensus Averni" as +one of the great poets of the Middle Ages so aptly put it.} + + + +COLLEGE BOYS + +It is the tendency of the age to excuse many social errors in +young people, and especially is this true of the mischievous +pranks of college boys. If Harvard football heroes and their +"rooters," for example, wish to let their hair grow long and wear +high turtle-necked red "sweaters," corduroy trousers and huge +"frat" pins, I, for one, can see no grave objection, for "boys +will be boys" and I am, I hope, no "old fogy" in such matters. +But I also see no reason why these same young fellows should not +be interested in the graces of the salon and the arts of the +drawing-room. Consider, for example, the following two letters, +illustrating the correct and incorrect method in which two young +college men should correspond, and tell me if there is not some +place in our college curriculum for a Professor of Deportment: + +An Incorrect Letter from a Princeton Student to a Yale Student +Congratulating the Latter on His Football Victory + +DEAR MIKE: + +Here's your damn money. I was a fool to give you odds. + ED. +P. S. What happened at the Nass? I woke up Sunday with a terrific +welt on my forehead and somebody's hat with the initials L. G. +T., also a Brooks coat. Do you know whose they are? P. P. S. +Please for God's sake don't cash this check until the fifteenth +or I'm ruined. + + +And here is the way in which I would suggest that this same +letter be indited. + +A Correct Letter from a Princeton Student to a Yale Student +Congratulating the Latter on His Football Victory + +MY DEAR "FRIENDLY ENEMY": + +Well, well, it was a jolly game, wasn't it, and it was so good to +see you in "Old Nassau." I am sorry that you could not have come +earlier in the fall, when the trees were still bronze and gold. I +also regret exceedingly that you did not stay over until Sunday, +for it would have been such a treat to have taken you to see the +Graduate School buildings and the Cleveland Memorial Tower. +However, "better luck next time." + +The enclosed check is, as you may well guess, in payment of our +wager on the result of the gridiron-contest. Truly, I am almost +glad that I lost, for I can not but think that gambling in any +form is at best an unprofitable diversion, and this has taught +me, I hope, a lesson from which I may well benefit. Do not think +me a "prig," dear Harry, I beg of you, for I am sure that you +will agree with me that even a seemingly innocent wager on a +football match may lead in later life to a taste for gambling +with dice and cards or even worse. Shall we not agree to make +this our last wager--or at least, next time, let us not lend it +the appearance of professional gambling by giving "odds," such as +I gave you this year. + +You must have thought it frightfully rude of me not to have seen +you to the train after that enjoyable evening at the Nassau Inn, +but to tell you the truth, Harry, the nervous excitement of the +day proved too much for me and I was forced to retire. My +indisposition was further accentuated by a slight mishap which +befell me outside the Inn but which need cause you no alarm as a +scalp wound was the only result and a few days' rest in my cozy +dormitory room will soon set matters to rights. I trust, however, +that you will explain to your friends the cause of my sudden +departure and my seeming inhospitality. Such jolly fellows they +were--and I am only too glad to find that the "bulldogs" are as +thoroughly nice as the chaps we have down here. Incidentally, I +discovered, somewhat to my dismay, as you may well imagine, that +in taking my departure I inadvertently "walked off" with the hat +and overcoat of one of your friends whose initials are L. G. T. I +am mortified beyond words and shall send the garments to you by +the next post with my deepest apologies to the unlucky owner. + +Rest assured, Harry my friend, that I am looking forward to +visiting you some time in the near future, for I have always been +curious to observe the many interesting sights of "Eli land." +Particularly anxious am I to see the beautiful trees which have +given New Haven its name of "the City of Elms," and the +collection of primitive paintings for which your college is +justly celebrated. And in closing may I make the slight request +that you postpone the cashing of my enclosed check until the +fifteenth of this month, as, due to some slight misunderstanding, +I find that my account is in the unfortunate condition of being +"overdrawn." + +Believe me, Harry, with kindest regards to your nice friends and +yourself and with congratulations on the well deserved victory of +your "eleven," + Your devoted friend and well wisher, + EDWARD ELLIS COCHRAN. + + +LETTERS TO PARENTS + +Of course, when young people write to the members of their +immediate family, it is not necessary that they employ such +reserve as in correspondence with friends. The following letter +well illustrates the change in tone which is permissible in such +intimate correspondence: + +A Correct Letter from a Young Lady in Boarding School to Her +Parents + +DEAR MOTHER: + +Of course I am terribly glad that you and father are thinking of +coming to visit me here at school next week, but don't you think +it would be better if, instead of your coming all the way up +here, I should come down and stay with you in New York? The +railroad trip up here will be very hard on you, as the trains are +usually late and the porters and conductors are notorious for +their gruffness and it is awfully hard to get parlor-car seats +and you know what sitting in a day-coach means. I should love to +have you come only I wouldn't want you or father to get some +terrible sickness on the train and last month there were at least +three wrecks on that road, with many fatalities, and when you get +here the accommodations aren't very good for outsiders, many of +the guests having been severely poisoned only last year by eating +ripe olives and the beds, they say, are extremely hard. Don't you +really think it would be ever so much nicer if you and father +stayed in some comfortable hotel in New York with all the +conveniences in the world and there are some wonderful things at +the theaters which you really ought to see. I could probably get +permission from Miss Spencer to come and visit you over Saturday +and Sunday if you are stopping at one of the five hotels on her +"permitted" list. + +However, if you do decide to come here, perhaps it would be +better to leave father in New York because I know he wouldn't +like it at all with nothing but women and girls around and I am +sure that he couldn't get his glass of hot water in the morning +before breakfast and he would have a much better time in New +York. But if he does come please mother don't let him wear that +old gray hat or that brown suit, and mother couldn't you get him +to get some gloves and a cane in New York before he comes? And +please, mother dear, make him put those "stogies" of his in an +inside pocket and would you mind, mother, not wearing that brooch +father's employees gave you last Christmas? + +I shall be awfully glad to see you both but as I say it would be +better if you let me come to New York where you and father will +be ever so much more comfortable. + Your loving daughter, + JEANNETTE. + + +LETTERS FROM PARENTS + +THE same familiarity may be observed by parents when +corresponding with their children, with, of course, the addition +of a certain amount of dignity commensurate with the fact that +they are, as it were, in loco parentis. The following example +will no doubt be of aid to parents in correctly corresponding +with their children: + +A Correct Letter from a Mother to Her Son Congratulating Him on +His Election to the Presidency of the United States + +DEAR FREDERICK: + +I am very glad that you have been elected President of the United +States, Frederick, and I hope that now you will have sense enough +to see Dr. Kincaid about your teeth. It would be well to have him +give you a thorough looking over at this time. And Mrs. Peasely +has given me the name of a splendid throat specialist in New York +whom I wish you would see as soon as possible, for it has been +almost a year since you went to Dr. Ryan. Are you getting good +wholesome food? Mrs. Dennison stopped in this morning and she +told me that Washington is very damp in the spring and I think +you had better get a new overcoat--a heavy warm one. She also +told me the name of a place where you can buy real woolen socks +and pajamas. I hope that you aren't going to be so foolish as to +wear those short B. V. D.'s all winter because now that you are +president you must take care of yourself, Edward dear. Are you +keeping up those exercises in the morning? I found those +dumb-bells of yours in the attic yesterday and will send them on +to you if you wish. And, dear, please keep your throat covered +when you go out--Mrs. Kennedy says that the subways are always +cold and full of draughts. I saw a picture of you at the "movies" +the other evening and you were making a speech in the rain +without a hat or rubbers. Your uncle Frederick was just such a +fool as you are about wearing rubbers and he almost died of +pneumonia the winter we moved to Jefferson Avenue. Be sure and +let me know what Dr. Kincaid says and tell him EVERYTHING. + Your LOVING mother. +P. S. What direction does your window face? + + +LETTERS TO PROSPECTIVE FATHERS-IN-LAW + +A young man desiring to marry a young girl does not, in polite +society, "pop the question" to her by mail, unless she happens, +at the time, to be out of the city or otherwise unable to +"receive." It is often advisable, however, after she has said +"yes," to write a letter to her father instead of calling on him +to ask for his permission to the match, as a personal interview +is often apt to result unsatisfactorily. In writing these letters +to prospective fathers-in-law, the cardinal point is, of course, +the creation by the young man of a good impression in the mind of +the father, and for this purpose he should study to make his +letter one which will appeal irresistibly to the older +gentleman's habits and tastes. + +Thus, in writing to a father who is above everything else a +"business man," the following form is suggested: + +A Correct Letter to a Prospective Father-in-Law Who Is a Business +Man + + My letter, + 10-6-22 + Your letter, + In reply please refer to: -------- + File--Love--personal-- + N. Y.--1922 + No. G, 16 19 +Mr. Harrison Williams, +Vice-Pres. Kinnear-Williams Mfg. Co., +Buffalo, N. Y. + +DEAR SIR: + +Confirming verbal message of even date re: being in love with +your daughter, this is to advise that I am in love with your +daughter. Any favorable action which you would care to take in +this matter would be greatly appreciated. + Yours truly, + EDWARD FISH. +Copy to your Daughter per E. F. + " " " Wife +EF/F + + +Or, should the girl's father be prominent in the advertising +business, the following would probably create a favorable +impression, especially if printed on a blotter or other useful +article: + +A Correct Letter to a Prospective Father-in-Law Who Is in the +Advertising Business + +JUST A MOMENT! + +Have you ever stopped to consider the problem of grandchildren? + +Do you know, for example, that ONLY 58% of the fathers in America +are GRANDFATHERS? + +Did it ever occur to you that only 39% of the grandfathers in +America EVER HAVE GRANDCHILDREN? + +Honestly, now, don't there come moments, after the day's work is +done and you are sitting in your slippers before the fire, when +you would give any thing in the world for a soft little voice to +call you GRANDPA? + +Be fair to your daughter +Give her a College educated husband! +COMPLIMENTS OF EDWARD FISH + + +Perhaps, if the old gentleman is employed in the Credit +Department of Brooks Brothers, Frank Brothers, or any one of the +better class stores, the following might prove effective: + +A Correct Letter to a Prospective Father-in-Law Who Is Employed +in a Credit Department + +MY DEAR MR. ROBERTS: 10-6-22 + +I am writing you in regard to a little matter of matrimony which +no doubt you have overlooked in the press of business elsewhere. +This is not to be considered as a "dun" but merely as a gentle +reminder of the fact that it would be extremely agreeable if you +could see fit to let me marry your daughter before the first of +next month. I feel sure that you will give this matter your +immediate attention. + Yours truly, + ED. FISH. + + 11-2-22 +DEAR MR. ROBERTS: + +As you have not as yet replied to my communication of 10-6-22 +regarding marriage to your daughter, I presume that you were not +at the time disposed to take care of the matter to which I +referred. I feel sure that upon consideration you will agree that +my terms are exceedingly liberal and I must therefore request +that you let me have some word from you before the first of next +month. + Yours truly, + EDWARD FISH. + + (Registered Mail) 12-2-22 +DEAR SIR: + +You have not as yet replied to my communication of 10-6-22 and +11-2-22. I should regret exceedingly being forced to place this +matter in the hands of my attorneys, Messrs. Goldstein and +Nusselmann, 41 City Nat'l Bank Bldg. + E. FISH. + + +Of course, it would never do to carry this series to its +conclusion and if no reply is received to this last letter it +might be well to call on the gentleman in his place of +business--or, possibly, it might even be better to call off the +engagement. "None but the brave deserve the fair"--but there is +also a line in one of Byron's poems which goes, I believe, "Here +sleep the brave." + + +LOVE LETTERS + +A young man corresponding with his fiancee is never, of course, +as formal as in his letters to other people. This does not mean, +however, that his correspondence should be full of silly +meaningless "nothings." On the contrary, he should aim to +instruct and benefit his future spouse as well as convey to her +his tokens of affection. The following letter well illustrates +the manner in which a young man may write his fiancee a letter +which, while it is replete with proper expressions of amatory +good will, yet manages to embody a fund of sensible and useful +information: + +A Correct Letter from a Young Man Traveling in Europe to His +Fiancee + +MY DEAREST EDITH: + +How I long to see you--to hold tight your hand--to look into your +eyes. But alas! you are in Toledo and I am in Paris, which, as +you know, is situated on the Seine River near the middle of the +so-called Paris basin at a height above sea-level varying from 85 +feet to 419 feet and extending 7 1/2 miles from W. to E. and 5 +1/2 miles from N. to S. But, dearest, I carry your image with me +in my heart wherever I go in this vast city with its population +(1921) of 2,856,986 and its average mean rainfall Of 2.6 inches, +and I wish--oh, how I wish--that you might be here with me. +Yesterday, for example, I went to the Pere Lachaise cemetery +which is the largest (106 acres) and most fashionable cemetery in +Paris, its 90,148 (est.) tombs forming a veritable open-air +sculpture gallery. And what do you think I found there which made +me think of you more than ever? Not the tombs of La Fontaine (d. +1695) and Moliere (d. 1673) whose remains, transferred to this +cemetery in 1804, constituted the first interments--not the last +resting place of Rosa Bonheur (d. 1899) or the victims of the +Op<ra Comique fire (1887)--no, dearest, it was the tomb of +Abelard and Heloise, those late 11th early 12th century lovers, +and you may well imagine what thoughts, centering upon a young +lady whose first name begins with E, filled my heart as I gazed +at this impressive tomb, the canopy of which is composed of +sculptured fragments collected by Lenoir from the Abbey of +Nogent-sur-Seine (Aube). + +Edith dearest, I am sitting in my room gazing first at your dear +picture and then out of my window at the Eiffel Tower which is +the tallest structure in the world, being 984 feet high +(Woolworth Building 750 feet, Washington Obelisk 555 feet, Great +Pyramid 450 feet). And although it may sound too romantic, yet it +seems to me, dearest, that our love is as strong and as sturdy as +this masterpiece of engineering construction which weighs 7,000 +tons, being composed of 12,000 pieces of metal fastened by +2,500,000 iron rivets. + +Farewell, my dearest one--I must go now to visit the Catacombs, a +huge charnelhouse which is said to contain the remains of nearly +three million persons, consisting of a labyrinth of galleries +lined with bones and rows of skulls through which visitors are +escorted on the first and third Saturday of each month at 2 P. M. +I long to hold you in my arms. + Devotedly, + PAUL. + + +CORRESPONDENCE OF PUBLIC OFFICIALS + +Congressmen and other public officials are as a rule more careful +correspondents than are men whose letters are never to be seen by +the public at large. There is a certain well-defined form for a +letter meant for public consumption which distinguishes it from +correspondence of a more private nature. Thus a Congressman, +writing a "public letter," would cast it in the following form: + +A Correct "Public Letter" from a Congressman + +Mr. Ellison Lothrop, +Vice-Pres. Washington Co.. "Better Citizenship" League, + +MY DEAR MR. LOTHROP: + +You have requested that I give to the Washington County Better +Citizenship League, of which you are an active vice-president, +some expression of my views upon the question of Prohibition. + +Sir, can there be any doubt as to the belief of every right +thinking American citizen in this matter? The Eighteenth +Amendment is here and here, thank God, to stay! The great benefit +which Prohibition has done to the poor and the working classes is +reason enough for its continued existence. It is for the +manufacturers, the professional class, the capitalists to give up +gladly whatever small pleasure they may have derived from the use +of alcohol, in order that John Jones, workingman, may have money +in the bank and a happy home, instead of his Saturday night +debauch. In every democracy the few sacrifice for the many--"the +greatest good of the greatest number" is the slogan. And I, for +one, am proud to have been a member of that legislative body +which passed so truly God-bidden and democratic an act as the +Eighteenth Amendment. + +I beg to remain, with best wishes to your great +organization, + Sincerely yours, + WALTER G. TOWNSLEY. + + +A Correct Private Letter of a Congressman + +DEAR BOB: + +Tell that fellow on Mulberry Street that I will pay $135 a case +for Scotch and $90 for gin DELIVERED and not a cent more. + W. G. T. + + +{illustration caption = +The problem of an introduction when there is no mutual +acquaintance is sometimes perplexing. But the young man, having +had the good taste to purchase a copy of PERFECT BEHAVIOR, is +having no difficulty. He has fastened a rope across the sidewalk +in front of the lady's house and, with the aid of a match and +some kerosene, has set fire to the house. Driven by the heat, the +young lady will eventually emerge and in her haste will fall over +the rope. To a gentleman of gallantry and ingenuity the rest +should be comparatively simple.} + +{illustration caption = +A knowledge of the language of flowers is essential to a +successful courtship and may avoid much unnecessary pain. With +the best intentions in the world the young man is about to +present the young lady with a flower of whose meaning he is in +total ignorance. The young lady, being a faithful student of +PERFECT BEHAVIOR, knows its exact meaning and it will be +perfectly correct for her to turn and, with a frigid bow, break +the pot over the young man's head. Alas, how differently this +romance might have ended if the so-called "friends" of the young +man had tactfully but firmly pointed out to him the value of a +book on etiquette such as PERFECT BEHAVIOR.} + + + +LETTERS TO NEWSPAPERS, MAGAZINES, ETC. + +Another type of public correspondence is the letter which is +intended for publication in some periodical. This is usually +written by elderly gentlemen with whiskers and should be cast in +the following form: + + +A Correct Letter from an Elderly Gentleman to the Editor of a +Newspaper or Magazine + +To the Editor: +SIR: + +On February next, Deo volente, I shall have been a constant +reader of your worthy publication for forty-one years. I feel, +sir, that that record gives me the right ipso facto to offer my +humble criticism of a statement made in your November number by +that worthy critic of the drama, Mr. Heywood Broun. Humanum est +errare, and I am sure that Mr. Broun (with whom I have +unfortunately not the honour of an acquaintance) will forgive me +for calling his attention to what is indeed a serious, and I +might say, unbelievable, misstatement. In my younger days, now +long past, it was not considered infra dig for a critic to reply +to such letters as this, and I hope that Mr. Broun will deem this +epistle worthy of consideration, and recognize the justice of my +complaint. + +I remember well a controversy that raged between critic and +public for many weeks in the days when Joe Jefferson was playing +Rip Van Winkle. Ah, sir, do you remember (but, of course, you +don't) that entrance of Joe in the first act with his dog +Schneider? That was not my first play by many years, but I +believe that it is still my favorite. I think the first time I +ever attended a dramatic performance was in the winter of '68 +when I was a student at Harvard College. Five of us freshmen went +into the old Boston Museum to see Our American Cousin. Joe +Chappell was with us that night and the two Dawes boys and, I +think, Elmer Mitchell. One of the Dawes twins was, I believe, +afterwards prominent in the Hayes administration. There were many +men besides Will Dawes in that Harvard class who were heard from +in later years. Ed Twitchell for one, and "Sam" Caldwell, who was +one of the nominees for vice president in '92. I sat next to Sam +in "Bull" Warren's Greek class. THERE was one of the finest +scholars this country has ever produced--a stern taskmaster, and +a thorough gentleman. It would be well for this younger +generation if they could spend a few hours in that old classroom, +with "Bull" pacing up and down the aisle and all of us trembling +in our shoes. But Delenda est Carthago--fuit Ilium--Requiescat in +pace. I last saw "Bull" at our fifteenth reunion and we were all +just as afraid of him as in the old days at Hollis. + +But I digress. Tempus fugit,--which reminds me of a story "Billy" +Hallowell once told at a meeting of the American Bar Association +in Minneapolis, in 1906. Hallowell was perhaps the most brilliant +after-dinner speaker I have ever heard--with the possible +exception of W. D. Evarts. I shall never forget the speech that +Evarts made during the second Blaine campaign. + +But I digress. Your critic, Mr. Heywood Broun, says on page 33 of +the November issue of your worthy magazine that The Easiest Way +is the father of all modern American tragedy. Sir, does Mr. Broun +forget that there once lived a man named William Shakespeare? Is +it possible to overlook such immortal tragedies as Hamlet and +Othello? I think not. Fiat justitia, ruat colum. + Sincerely, + SHERWIN G. COLLINS. + + +A Correct Letter from an Indignant Father to an Editor of Low +Ideals + +To the Editor: Sir: + +I have a son--a little fourteen-year-old boy who proudly bears my +name. This lad I have brought up with the greatest care. I have +spared no pains to make him an upright, moral, God-fearing youth. + +I had succeeded, I thought, in inculcating in him all those +worthy principles for which our Puritan fathers fought +and--aye--died. I do not believe that there existed in our +neighborhood a more virtuous, more righteous boy. + +From his earliest childhood until now Mrs. Pringle and I have +kept him carefully free from any suggestion of evil. We have put +in his hands only the best and purest of books; we have not +allowed him to attend any motion picture performances other than +the yearly visit of the Burton Holmes travelogues, and, last +year, a film called Snow White and Rose Red; we have forbidden +him to enter a theater. Roland (for that is his name) has never +in his life exhibited any interest in what is known as sex. + +Sir, you may imagine my chagrin when my Roland--my boy who, for +fourteen years, I have carefully shielded from sin--rushed in +last night to where Mrs. Pringle and I were enjoying our evening +game of Bezique, bearing in his hand a copy of your magazine +which, I presume, he had picked up at some so-called friend's +house. "Papa, look," said my boy to me, pointing to the cover of +the magazine. "What are these?" + +Sir, I looked. Mrs. Pringle gave a shriek, and well may she have. +My boy was pointing to a cover on which was what is called--in +barroom parlance--a "nude." And not ONE nude but TWELVE! + +Sir, you have destroyed the parental labors of fourteen years. I +trust you are satisfied. + Yours, etc., + EVERETT G. PRINGLE. + +A Letter from a Member of the Lower Classes. Particular pains +should be taken in answering such letters as it should always be +our aim to lend a hand to those aspiring toward better things. + +To the Editor: +Dear Sir: + +I am a motorman on the Third Ave. South Ferry local, and the +other day one of the passengers left a copy of your magazine on +my car and I want to ask you something which maybe you can tell +me and anyway it don't do no harm to ask what I want to know is +will it be O. K to wear a white vest with a dinner coat this +coming winter and what color socks I enclose stamps for reply. + Yrs. + ED. WALSH. + +A Correct Letter to the Lost and Found Department of a +Periodical, inquiring for a Missing Relative. This should be +referred to the persons mentioned in the letter who will probably +take prompt and vigorous action. + +Literary Editors: +Dear Sirs: + +I have been very much interested in the clever work of Nancy and +Ernest Boyd which has been appearing in your magazine, and I +wonder if you could take the time to give me a little piece of +information about them. You see there was a Nancy Boyd (her +mother was Nancy Kroomen of Beaver Dam) and her bro. Ernest, who +was neighbors to us for several years, and when they moved I sort +of lost track of them. You know how those things are. But it's a +small world after all, isn't it? and I shouldn't be at all +surprised if this was the same party and, if it is, will you say +hello to Nancy for me, and tell Ernest that Ed. Gold still comes +down from Akron to see E. W. every Saturday. He'll know who I +mean. + Ever sincerely, + MAY WINTERS. + + +LETTERS TO STRANGERS + +In writing to a person with whom you have only a slight +acquaintance, it is a sign of proper breeding to attempt to show +the stranger that you are interested in the things in which he is +interested. Thus, for example, if you were to write a letter to a +Frenchman who was visiting your city for the first time, you +would endeavor, as in the following example, to speak to him in +his own idiom and put him at his ease by referring to the things +with which he is undoubtedly familiar. It is only a "boor" who +seeks to impose his own hobbies and interests upon a stranger, +disregarding entirely the presumable likes and dislikes of the +latter. + + +A CORRECT LETTER TO A FRENCH VISITOR + +Monsieur Jules La Chaise, +Hotel Enterprise, +City. + +MONSIEUR: + +I hope that you have had a bon voyage on your trip from la belle +France, and my wife and I are looking forward to welcoming you to +our city. Although I cannot say, as your great king Louis XV. so +justly remarked, "L'etat, c'est moi," yet I believe that I can +entertain you comme il faut during your stay here. But all bon +mots aside, would you care to join us this afternoon in a ride +around the city? If you say the word, voila! we shall be at your +hotel in our automobile and I think that you will find here much +that is interesting to a native of Lafayette's great country and +especially to a citizen of Paris. Did you know, for example, that +this city manufactures 38% of the toilet soap and perfumery je ne +sais quoi which are used in this state? Of course, our sewers are +not to be compared to yours, mon Dieu, but we have recently +completed a pumping station on the outskirts of the city which I +think might almost be denominated an objet d'art. + +I am enclosing a visitor's card to the City Club here, which I +wish you would use during your stay. I am sure that you will find +there several bon vivants who will be glad to join you in a game +of vingt et un, and in the large room on the second floor is a +victrola with splendid instrumental and vocal records of "La +Marseillaise." + +Au revoir until I see you this afternoon. + Robert C. Crocker. + + +And above all, in writing to strangers or comparative strangers, +seek to avoid the mention of subjects which might be distasteful +to the recipient of the letter. Many a friendship has been +utterly ruined because one of the parties, in her correspondence +or conversation, carelessly referred to some matter--perhaps some +physical peculiarity--upon which the other was extremely +sensitive. The following letter well illustrates how the use of a +little tact may go "a long way." + + +A CORRECT LETTER TO A BEARDED LADY + +My dear Mrs. Lenox: + +I wonder if you would care to go with us to the opera Wednesday +evening? The Cromwells have offered us their box for that night, +which accounts for our selection of that particular evening. +"Beggars cannot be choosers," and while personally we would all +rather go on some other night, yet it is perhaps best that we do +not refuse the Cromwells' generous offer. Then, too, Wednesday is +really the only evening that my husband and I are free to go, for +the children take so much of our time on other nights. I do hope, +therefore, that you can go with us Wednesday to hear "The Barber +of Seville." + Sincerely, + Esther G. (Mrs. Thomas D.) Franklin. + + +INVITATIONS + +The form of the invitation depends a great deal upon the +character of the function to which one wishes to invite the +guests to whom one issues the invitation. Or, to put it more +simply, invitations differ according to the nature of the party +to which one invites the guests. In other words, when issuing +invitations to invited guests one must have due regard for the +fact that these invitations vary with the various types of +entertainments for which one issues the invitations. That is to +say, one would obviously not send out the same form of invitation +to a wedding as to a dinner party, and vice versa. This is an +iron-clad rule in polite society. + +For example, a gentleman and lady named Mr. and Mrs. Weems, +respectively, living at 1063 Railroad Ave., wishing to invite a +gentleman named Mr. Cleek to dinner, would send him the following +engraved invitation: + +MR. AND MRS. LIONEL THONG WEEMS + +request the pleasure of + +MR. WALLACE TlLFORD CLEEK'S + +company at dinner + +on Tuesday January the tenth + +at half after seven o'clock + +1063 Railroad Avenue. + + +This invitation would of course be worded differently for +different circumstances, such as, for example, if the name of the +people giving the party wasn't Weems or if they didn't live at +1063 Railroad Ave., or if they didn't have any intention of +giving a dinner party on that particular evening. + +Many prospective hostesses prefer to send written notes instead +of the engraved invitation, especially if the dinner is to be +fairly informal. This sort of invitation should, however, be +extremely simple. I think that most well-informed hostesses would +agree that the following is too verbose: + + +DEAR MR. BURPEE. + +It would give us great pleasure if you would dine with us on +Monday next at seven-thirty. By the way, did you know that Mr. +Sheldon died yesterday of pneumonia? + Cordially, + ESTELLE G. BESSERABO. + + +For receptions in honor of noted guests, word the invitation in +this manner: + + +MR. AND MRS. CORNELIUS VANDERBILT + +request the pleasure of your company + +on Friday evening February sixth + +from nine to twelve + +AT DELMONICO'S + +to meet Asst. Fire-Chief CHARLEY SCHMIDT and + +Mrs. SCHMIDT + + +Invitations to graduating exercises are worded thus: + +THE SENIOR CLASS + +of the + +SOUTH ROCHESTER FEMALE DENTAL INSTITUTE + +requests the honor of your presence at the + +Commencement Exercises + +on Tuesday evening, June the fifth + +at eight o'clock + +MASONIC OPERA HOUSE + +"That Six- Orchestra. + + +ACCEPTANCES AND REGRETS + +Responses to invitations usually take the form of "acceptances" +or "regrets." It is never correct, for example, to write the +following sort of note: + +DEAR MRS. CRONICK: + +Your invitation for the 12th inst. received and in reply would +advise that I am not at the present time in a position to signify +whether or not I can accept. Could you at your convenience +furnish me with additional particulars re the proposed +affair--number of guests, character of refreshments, size of +orchestra, etc.? Awaiting an early reply, I am, + Yours truly, + ALFRED CASS NAPE. + + +If one wishes to attend the party, one "accepts" on a clean sheet +of note-paper with black ink from a "fountain" pen or inkwell. A +hostess should not, however, make the mistake of thinking that a +large number of "acceptances" implies that anybody really wishes +to attend her party. + +The following is a standard form of acceptance: + + +Dr. Tanner accepts with pleasure the kind invitation of Mrs. +Frederick Cummings Bussey for Thursday evening, December twelfth, +at half after eight. + +This note need not be signed. The following "acceptance" is +decidedly demode: + +DEAR MRS. ASTOR: + +Will I be at your ball? Say, can a duck swim? +Count on me sure. FRED. + + +It is also incorrect and somewhat boorish to write "accepted" +across the face of the invitation and return it signed to the +hostess. + +If one does not care to attend the party, one often sends one's +"regrets" although one just as often sends one's "acceptances," +depending largely upon the social position of one's hostess. The +proper form of "regret" is generally as follows: + + +Alice Ben Bolt regrets that she will be unable to accept the kind +invitation of Major General and Mrs. Hannafield for Wednesday +evening at half after eight. + + +Sometimes it is better to explain in some manner the cause of the +"regret," as for example: + + +Alice Ben Bolt regrets that, owing to an ulcerated tooth in the +left side of her mouth, and severe neuralgic pains all up and +down her left side, she will be unable to accept the kind +invitation of Major General and Mrs. Hannafield for Wednesday +evening at half after eight, at "The Bananas." + +This is not, however, always necessary. + +{illustration caption = +This is an admirable picture with which to test the "kiddies' " +knowledge of good manners at a dinner table. It will also keep +them occupied as a puzzle picture since the "faux pas" +illustrated herewith will probably not be apparent to the little +ones except after careful examination. If, however, they have +been conscientiously trained it will not be long, before the +brighter ones discover that the spoon has been incorrectly left +standing in the cup, that the coffee is being served from the +right instead of the left side, and that the lettering of the +motto on the wall too nearly resembles the German style to be +quite "au fait" in the home of any red-blooded American citizen.} + + +{illustration caption = +Dessert has been reached and the gentleman in the picture is +perspiring freely--in itself a deplorable breach of etiquette. He +has been attempting all evening to engage the ladies on either +side of him in conversation on babies, Camp's Reducing Exercises, +politics, Camp's Developing Exercises, music or Charlie Chaplin, +only to be rebuffed by a haughty chin on the one hand and a cold +shoulder on the other. If he had taken the precaution to consult +Stewart's Lightning Calculator of Dinner Table Conversation (one +of the many aids to social success to be found in PERFECT +BEHAVIOR) he would have realized the bad taste characterizing his +choice of topics and would not have made himself a marked figure +at this well-appointed dinner table.} + + + +CHAPTER NINE: THE ETIQUETTE OF DINNERS AND BALLS + +FORMAL DINNERS IN AMERICA + +Eating is an extremely old custom and has been practiced by the +better classes of society almost without interruption from +earliest times. And "society," like the potentate of the parable +whose touch transformed every object into gold, has embellished +and adorned the all-too-common habit of eating, until there has +been evolved throughout the ages that most charming and exquisite +product of human culture--the formal dinner party. The gentleman +of today who delightedly dons his dress suit and escorts into a +ten-course dinner some lady mountain climber or other celebrity, +is probably little aware of what he owes to his forefathers for +having so painstakingly devised for him such a pleasant method of +spending his time. + +But "before one runs, one must learn to walk"--and the joys of +the dinner-party are not to be partaken of without a long +preliminary course of training, as many a young man has learned +to his sorrow when he discovered that his inelegant use of knife +and fork was causing humorous comment up and down the "board" and +was drawing upon himself the haughty glances of an outraged +hostess. The first requisite of success in dining out is the +possession of a complete set of correct table manners--and these, +like anything worth while, can be achieved only by patient study +and daily practise. + + +TABLE MANNERS FOR CHILDREN + +AS a matter of fact, it is never too early to begin to acquire +the technique of correct eating, and the nursery is the best +possible place for the first lessons in dining-room behavior. +Children should be taught at an early age the fundamentals of +"table" manners in such a way that by the time they have reached +the years of manhood the correct use of knife, fork, spoon and +fingerbowl is to them almost second nature. But the parents +should remember, above everything else, to instruct their +children in such a way that the pupil takes pleasure in his +lessons. This is the method which is employed today in every +successful school or "kindergarten"; this is the method which +really produces satisfactory results. + +Thus, for example, if you are a father and your boy Edward +persists in bringing his pet tadpole to the table in a glass jar, +you should not punish or scold him; a much more effective and +graphic method of correcting this habit would be for you to +suddenly pick up the tadpole one day at luncheon and swallow it. +No whipping or scolding would so impress upon the growing boy the +importance of the fact that the dinner table is not the place for +pets. + +Another effective way of teaching table manners to children +consists in making up attractive games about the various lessons +to be learned. Thus, whenever you have guests for dinner, the +children can play "Boner" which consists in watching the visitor +closely all during the meal in order to catch him in any +irregularity in table etiquette. As soon as the guest has +committed a mistake, the first Child to discover it points his +finger at him and shouts, "Pulled a Boner, Pulled a Boner!" and +the boy or girl who discovers the greatest number of "Boners" +during the evening is rewarded with a prize, based on the +following table of points: + + If the guest has dirty hands, 5 points. + If the guest uses wrong fork or spoon, 5 points. + If the guest chokes on bone, 8 points. + If the guest blows on soup, 5 points. + If the guest drops fork or spoon, 3 points. + If the guest spills soup on table, 10 points. + If the guest spills soup on self, 1 point. + + +Of course it is often well to tell the guests about the game in +advance in order that they may not feel embarrassed but will +enter thoroughly into the spirit of this helpful sport. + + +A CHILD'S GARDEN OF ETIQUETTE + +Children can also acquire knowledge more easily if it is imparted +to them in the form of verse or easy rhymes, and many valuable +facts about the dinner table can be embodied in children's +verses. A few of these which I can remember from my own happy +childhood are as follows: + + Oh, wouldn't it be jolly + To be a nice hors d'oeuvre + And just bring joy to people + Whom fondest you were of. + + Soup is eaten with a spoon + But not to any haunting tune. + + Oysters live down in the sea + In zones both temp. and torrid, + And when they are good they are very good indeed, + And when they are bad they are horrid. + + My papa makes a lovely Bronx + With gin so rare and old, + And two of them will set you right + But four will knock you cold. + + The boys with Polly will not frolic + Because she's eaten too much garlic. + Mama said the other day, + "A little goes a long, long way." + + A wind came up out of the sea + And said, "Those dams are not for me." + + Uncle Frank choked on a bone + From eating shad au gratin + Aunt Ethel said it served him right + And went back to her flat in + NEWARK (spoken) + Poor Uncle Frank! (chanted) + + I love my little finger bowl + So full of late filet of sole. + + Cousin George at lunch one day + Remarked, "That apple looks quite tasty. + Now George a dentist's bill must pay + Because he was so very hasty. + The proverb's teachings we must hold + "All that glitters is not gold." + And mama said to George, "Oh, shoot, + You've gone and ruined my glass fruit." + + Jim broke bread into his soup, + Jim knocked Mrs. Vanderbilt for a loop. + Kate drank from her finger bowl, + Kate knocked Mrs. Vanderbilt for a goal. + Children who perform such tricks + Are socially in Class G-6. + + +ETIQUETTE IN THE SCHOOL + +OF course, as the children become older, the instruction should +gradually come to embrace all forms of correct behaviour, and the +youthful games and rhymes should give way to the more complex and +intricate problems of mature social etiquette. It is suggested +that the teachings during this period may be successfully +combined with the young gentleman's or lady's other schoolroom +studies; in the case of mathematics, for example, the instruction +might be handled in somewhat the following manner: + + +A Problem in Mathematics (7th grade) + +A swimmer starts across a stream which is 450 yards wide. He +swims for five minutes at the rate of three miles per hour, and +for three minutes at the rate of four miles per hour. He then +reaches the other bank, where he sees a young lady five feet ten +inches tall, walking around a tree, in a circle the circumference +of which is forty-two yards. + +A. What is the diameter of the circle? +B. How fast is the current flowing in the stream? +C. At what point would the swimmer land if there were no current +in the stream? +D. At what point does the swimmer actually land? +E. But suppose that he has no bathing suit on? + + +And so, when the young person has reached the age for his first +formal dinner party, he will undoubtedly be able to handle the +fundamentals of correct etiquette in a satisfactory manner. But, +as in every sport or profession, there are certain +refinements--certain niceties which come only after long +experience--and it is with a view of helping the ambitious +diner-out to master these more complex details, that I suggest +that he study carefully the following "unwritten laws" which +govern every dinner party. + +In the first place, a guest is supposed tacitly to consent to the +menu which the hostess has arranged, and the diner-out who makes +a habit of saying "Squab, you know, never agrees with me--I +wonder if I might have a couple of poached eggs," is apt to find +that such squeamishness does not pay in the long run. + +Practical jokes are never countenanced at a formal affair of this +sort. I do not mean that a certain amount of good-natured fun is +out of place, but such "stunts" as pulling the hostess' chair out +from under her--or gleefully kicking the shins of your neighbor +under the table and shouting "Guess who?"--are decidedly among +the "non-ests" of correct modern dinner-table behaviour. + +Then, too, it is now distinctly bad form to practise legerdemain +or feats of sleight-of-hand at a dinner party. Time was when it +was considered correct for a young man who could do card or other +tricks to add to the gayety of the party by displaying his skill, +but that time is past, and the guest of today, who thinks to make +a "hit" by pulling a live rabbit or a potted plant from the back +of the mystified hostess or one of the butlers, is in reality +only making a "fool" of himself if he only knew it. The same +"taboo" also holds good as concerns feats of juggling and no +hostess of today will, I am sure, ever issue a second invitation +to a young man who has attempted to enliven her evening by +balancing, on his nose, a knife, a radish, a plate of soup and a +lighted candle. "Cleverness" is a valuable asset but only up to a +certain point, and I know of one unfortunately "clever" young +chap who almost completely ruined a promising social career by +the unexpected failure of one of his pet juggling tricks and the +consequent dumping of a large dish of mashed potatoes on the head +of a vice-president of the Equitable Trust Company. Besides, +people almost always distrust "clever" persons. + +It does not "do," either, to "ride your hobby" at a dinner party, +and the real truth as to the cause of the sudden social ostracism +of young Freddie H----, a New York clubman of some years ago (now +happily deceased), is that on one occasion this young fellow, who +had developed a craze for marksmanship amounting almost to a +mania, very nearly ruined a dinner party given by a prominent +Boston society matron by attempting to shoot the whiskers off a +certain elderly gentleman, who happened to be a direct descendant +of John Smith and Priscilla Alden. + +It might also be remarked that the possession of certain physical +gifts--such as the ability to wriggle one's ears or do the +"splits"--is in itself no "open sesame" to lasting social +success. "Slow and sure" is a good rule for the young man to +follow, and although he may somewhat enviously watch his more +brilliant colleagues as they gain momentary applause by their +ability to throw their thumbs out of joint or squirt water +through a hole in their front teeth, yet he may console himself +with the thought that "the race is not always to the swift" and +that "Rome was not built in a day." The gifts of this world have +been distributed fairly equally, and you may be sure that the +young girl who has been born a ventriloquist very likely is +totally unable to spell difficult words correctly or carry even a +simple tune. Ventriloquism, by the way, is also passing out as a +form of dinner party diversion, and it is no longer considered a +priceless accomplishment to be able to make a dog bark or a baby +cry under the hostess's chair. + + +CONVERSATION AT DINNER + +Gradually, however, conversation--real conversation--is coming +into its own as the favorite pastime of dinner guests, and the +young man or lady who can keep the conversational "ball" rolling +is coming more and more into demand. Good conversationalists are, +I fear, born and not made--but by study and practise any +ambitious young man can probably acquire the technique, and, with +time, mould himself into the kind of person upon whom hostesses +depend for the success of their party. As an aid in this +direction I have prepared the following chart which I would +advise all my readers to cut out and paste in some convenient +place so that at their next dinner party it can be readily +consulted. + + +STEWART'S LIGHTNING CALCULATOR OF DINNER TABLE CONVERSATION + +This chart divides the dinner into its various courses, and under +each course is given what I call an "opening sentence," together +with your partner's probable reply and the topic which is then +introduced for discussion. And, most valuable of all, under each +such topic I have listed certain helpful facts which will enable +you to prolong the conversation along those lines until the +arrival of the next course, and the consequent opening of another +field for discussion. The chart follows: + +I. Cocktails. + +You say to the partner on your right: "What terrible gin!" She +(he) replies: "Perfectly ghastly." This leads to a discussion of: +Some Aspects of Alcohol. +Helpful Facts: + +1. An oyster soaked in alcohol becomes quite rigid in eleven +minutes. + +2. Senator Volstead was born Sept. 4, 1869. + +3. Alcohol, if taken in too great quantities, often produces +internal disorders. + +II. Oysters. + +You say to the partner on your right: "Think of being an oyster!" +She (he) replies: "How perfectly ghastly." +This leads to a discussion of: Home Life of Oysters. +Helpful Facts: + +1. The average life of an oyster is 38 days, 11 hours. + +2. Polygamy is practised among certain classes of oysters. + +3. The first oyster was eaten by Ossip Gatch, a Pole (d. 1783). + +III. Fish. + +You say to the partner at your right: "Do you enjoy fish?" +She (he) replies: "I simply adore fish." +This leads to a discussion of: Fish--Then, and Now. +Helpful Facts: + +1. Fish make notoriously bad pets, whereas seals can be taught to +do many novel tricks. +2. Gloucester (Mass.) smells badly in summer. +3. Gloucester (Mass.) smells badly in winter. + +IV. Meat. +You say to the partner at your right: "Have you ever been through +the Stock-Yards?" +She (he) replies: "No." ("Yes.") +This leads to a discussion of: "The Meat Industry in America." +Helpful Facts: + +1. Every time a street car goes over the Brooklyn Bridge, a steer +is killed in Chicago--and oftener. + +2. Raw beefsteak in quantities is harmful to children under two +years of age. + +3. A man died recently in Topeka, Kansas, weighing 312 pounds. + +4. Many prominent people live on the North Side of Chicago. + +V. Salad. + +You say to the partner at your right: "What is your favorite +salad?" +She (he) replies: "I don't know, what's yours?" +This leads to a discussion of: Favorite Things. +Helpful Facts: + +1. Richard Barthelmess is married. + +2. B. V. D. stands for "Best Value Delivered." + +3. Amy Lowell is fond of cigars. + +VI. Dessert. + +You say to the partner at your right: "I love ice cream." +She (he) replies: "So do I." +This leads to a discussion of: Love. +Helpful Facts: + +1. New York is the hardest state in which to get a divorce in +America. + +2. Dr. Sigmund Freud is now living in Vienna, Austria. + +3. D. H. Lawrence has a black beard. + + +BALLS AND DANCES + +In order to succeed in the modern ballroom, and especially in the +ballrooms of our exclusive country clubs, a young gentleman or +lady of fashion must today be possessed of the following two +requisites: i. A "Line." 2. A closed car. The latter of these +"sine qua nons" is now owned as a matter of course by most +families and is no longer regarded as a mark of distinction. The +former requisite, however, is not so common, but it is +nevertheless true that any young person with ambition and a good +memory can eventually acquire a quite effective "Line." It is a +great aid in this direction if one happens to have spent a year +or more at one of our leading eastern universities or "finishing +schools." These vary, of course, in degree of excellence, but it +does not pay to be dogmatic on this subject, and to those who +would insist that the Princeton "Line" is more effective than the +Harvard ditto, or that the Westover "Line" flows more smoothly +than that of Farmington or Spence, one can only say "De gustibus +non disputandum est." "Lines" vary also in accordance with the +different types of girls who happen to be using them, and (to +misquote a rather vulgar proverb) "What is one girl's food may be +another girl's poison." Thus it happens that the "Line" which is +most universally and interminably employed by the "beautiful" +type of girl (consisting, in its entirety, of the three words +"How perfectly priceless") would never in the world do for the +young miss whose chief asset is a kind heart or a love for really +good books. + + +{illustration caption = +The above diagram (one of man), filling the instructive and +refined pages of PERFECT BEHAVIOR) will serve as a model to any +debutante or dancing man who seriously sets out to achieve social +eminence. It is only fair to warn aspirants that rigid adherence +to the formula is essential and that any slight slackening of the +pace is likely to prove fatal. On the other hand, we confidently +guarantee complete success to those who, in reverence and faith, +keep the final goal always in sight. His (or hers) be it to keep +the sacred flame burning and to pass the torch along from father +to son, from mother to daughter till the end of time, or so long +as they do not make any mesalliances, which is just as important +in America, whatever may be said to the contrary, as among our +"English cousins."} + + + +MIXED DANCING + +Another quality which is often helpful on the dance floor, +especially to girls, is the ability to dance. This seems to have +become largely a trick of keeping abreast of the latest "mode" +and while, personally, I greatly regret the passing of the +stately lancers and other dignified "round dances," yet, if +"mixed dancing" has come to stay, it is the duty of every young +person to learn to dance as well as possible in the generally +accepted manner, even though this often involves some +compromising of one's amour propre. + +But in addition to all these necessary qualifications the really +great person--the true super man or woman of the ballroom--must +be possessed of that certain divine something, that je ne sais +quoi ability to rise superior to all occasions, to overcome the +most difficult situations, which has distinguished the great men +and women of all ages. Joan of Arc had it, George Washington had +it, Napoleon had it--and I venture to say that any of these +three, had they lived today, Would have been a social success. +But perhaps this fact can best be illustrated by taking a typical +instance in the ballroom in which "When duty whispered low "Thou +must,' the youth replied "I can.'" + + +HINTS FOR STAGS + +Let us suppose, for example, that you are a young man who has +been invited to a dance to be given at the East Shore Country +Club. It is your original intention, let us say, to attend as a +"stag," but on the afternoon of the party you receive a note from +a young lady of your acquaintance asking if you would be so kind +as to accompany to the ball a guest of hers, a "sweet girl from +South Orange" who was in her class at college. + +The correct costume for a dance of this sort is usually a dinner +coat with a black or white vest, and when you have robed yourself +correctly, you should drive in your car to the young lady's home. +There you are presented to the sweet girl from South Orange, who +is six feet tall and has protruding teeth. After the customary +words of greeting and a few brief bits of pleasantry, you set off +with your partner for the dance. + +Arrived at the East Shore Club, you find the party in "full +swing," and after shaking hands with your host and hostess, you +should ask your partner if she would care to dance. + +The first three times that she steps on your left foot, you +should politely murmur, "My fault." But when she begins to sing +in your ear it is proper to steer her over toward the "stag line" +in order to petition for an injunction or a temporary restraining +order. + +The "stag line" consists of a group of the wisest, shrewdest and +most hard-hearted young men ever gathered together under one +roof. The original purpose of a "stag line" was to provide a +place where unattached young men might stand while searching for +a partner, but the institution has now come to be a form of +Supreme Court, passing life or death sentence upon the various +debutantes who pass before it. + +After you have piloted your partner five times along the length +of this line you have a pretty fair idea as to her merits or +demerits, and, in this particular case, you have a pretty fair +idea as to just what the evening holds out for you. When the +music stops you should therefore lead the girl over to a chair +and ask to be allowed to bring her a glass of punch. + +Instead of going directly to the punch bowl, you should turn your +steps toward the "stag line." There you will find several young +men whom only as late as that afternoon you counted among your +very best friends, but who do not, at the present, seem to +remember ever having met you before. Seizing the arm of one of +these you say, "Tom, I want you to meet----" That is as far as +you will get, for Tom will suddenly interrupt you by remarking, +"Excuse me a minute, Ed--, I see a girl over there I've simply +got to speak to. I'll come right back." + +He will not come right back. He will not come back at all. And +after you have met with the same response from four other +so-called friends, you should return to the South Orange visitor +and "carry on." + +At the end of the second hour, however, your mind should begin to +clear, and if you are at all possessed of the qualifications for +future ballroom leadership, you should gradually throw off the +slough of despond and determine to make a fight for life, liberty +and the pursuit of happiness. And when the music has once more +ceased, you should ask your partner if she would not care to take +a jaunt in the open air. + +"I know a lovely walk," you should say, "across a quaint old +bridge." + +The rest is, of course, easy. Arrived in the middle of the quaint +old bridge, which leads across a cavern some three hundred feet +deep, you should quickly seize the tall college graduate, and +push her, not too roughly or ungentlemanly, off the bridge. + +And, if you are really a genius, and not merely "one of the +crowd" you will return to the ballroom and, going up to the young +lady who was responsible for your having met the sweet girl from +South Orange, you will offer her your arm, and smile invitingly. + +"I know a lovely walk," you will say, "across a quaint old +bridge." + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg Etext Perfect Behavior by Donald Ogden Stewart + diff --git a/old/pbhvr10.zip b/old/pbhvr10.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..0dc66ac --- /dev/null +++ b/old/pbhvr10.zip |
