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FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.04.29.93*END* + + + + + +Perfect Behavior by Donald Ogden Stewart + + + + + +Scanned by Charles Keller with OmniPage Professional OCR software + + + + + +PERFECT BEHAVIOR + +BY DONALD OGDEN STEWART + +A GUIDE FOR LADIES AND GENTLEMEN IN ALL SOCIAL CRISES + + + + +Those who are not self-possessed obtrude and pain us.--EMERSON + + + +PERFECT BEHAVIOR + +A parody outline of etiquette by the +Author of "A Parody Outline of History" + +The perfect gentleman is he who never unintentionally causes +pain.--OLD PROVERB + + + + +TO THE BRIDEGROOM WHOSE WEDDING WAS RUINED +BECAUSE THE BRIDE CAME DOWN THE AISLE +ON THE RIGHT INSTEAD OF THE LEFT +ARM OF HER FATHER +With Deepest Sympathy + + + + +Contents + +Chapter +I. THE ETIQUETTE OF COURTSHIP +A Few Words about Love--Curious Incident in a Yellow Taxicab--A +Silly Girl--Correct Introductions and how to Make Them--A +Well Known Congressman's Ludicrous Mistake in a Turkish +Bath--Cards and Flowers--Flowers and their Message in +Courtship--"A Clean Tooth Never Decays"--Receiving an +Invitation to Call--The Etiquette of Telephoning-A Telephone +Girl's Horrible End--Making the First Call--Conversation and +Some of its Uses--A Proper Call--The Proposal Proper-The Proposal +Improper--What Henry Wadsworth Longfellow Said to the +ex-Clergyman's Niece. + +II. THE ETIQUETTE OF ENGAGEMENTS AND WEDDINGS +The Historic Aspect--Announcing the Engagement--A Breton Fisher +Girl's Experience with a Traveling Salesman--The Bride-to-Be--The +Engagement Luncheon--Selecting the Bridal Party--Invitations and +Wedding Presents--A Good Joke on the Groom--"Madam, those are +my trousers"--Duties of the Best Man--A Demented Taxidermist's +Strange Gift -- The Bride's Tea--The Maid of Honor--What Aunt +Edna Saw on the Club Porch-The Bachelor Dinner and After-Some +Practical Uses for Bi-Carbonate of Soda--The Rehearsal --The +Bridal Dinner--A Church Wedding. + +III. THE ETIQUETTE OF TRAVEL +Hints for the Correct Pedestrianism--Description of a Walk around +Philadelphia with a Pueblo Indian in 1837--Travelling by Rail-- +Good Form on a Street Car--In the Subway--Fun with an Old +Gentleman's Whiskers--A Honeymoon in a Subway--Travelling under +Steam-A Correct Night in a Pullman-What Burton Holmes Found in +His Lower Berth. + +IV. AT THE CONCERT AND THE OPERA +Listening to a Symphony Orchestra--Curious Effect of Debussy's +"Apres-midi d'un Faune" and four gin fizzes on Uncle +Frederick--"No, fool like an old fool"--Correct Behavior at a +Piano Recital--Choosing One's Nearest Exit--In a Box at the +Opera--What a Kansas City Society Leader Did with Her Old +Victrola Records. + +V. ETIQUETTE FOR DRY AGENTS +Some Broader Aspects of Prohibition--Interesting Effect of Whisky +on Goldfish--The College Graduate as Dry Agent--Aunt Emily's +Amusing Experiences with a Quart of Gin Planning a Dry Raid on a +Masquerade Ball A Word About Correct Costumes--A California +Motion Picture Actress's Bad Taste--Good Form for Dry Agents +During a Raid-What the New York Clubman Said About Mr. Volstead. + +VI. A CHAPTER FOR SCHOOLGIRLS +Selecting a Proper School--Account of an Interesting Trip Down +the Eric Canal with Miss Spence--Correct Equipment for the +Schoolgirl --En Route--ln New York--A journey Around the +City--Description of the Visit of Ed. Pinaud to the Aquarium in +1858--The First Days in the New School--"After Lights" in a +Dormitory--An "Old Schoolgirl's" Confessions--Becoming +Acclimatized--A Visitor from Princeton-Strange Pets. + +VI. THE ETIQUETTE OF GAMES AND SPORTS +Golf as a Pastime--What Henry Ward Beecher Said When He Broke His +Niblic--An Afternoon at the Old Farm with the Dice--"Shoot you +for your ear trumpet, grandfather!"--Correct Behavior on a +Picnic--A Swedish Nobleman's Curious Method of Eating Potato +Chips--Boxing in American Society--A Good Joke on an Amateur +Boxer--"He didn't know it was Jack Dempsey!"--Bridge +Whist--Formal and Informal Drinking--A jolly Hallowe'en +Party -- Invitations -- Receiving the Guests--How to +Mystify--Games. + +VIII. CORRESPONDENCE AND INVITATIONS +Correspondence for Young Ladies--College Boys How to Order a Full +Dress Suit by Mail --Letters to Parents--A Prominent Retired +Bank President's Advice to Correspondents--Letters from +Parents--Peculiarities of the Divorce Laws of New York--Letters +to Prospective Fathers-in-Law--A Correct Form of Letter to a +Society Matron Asking Her How About that Grocery Bill for +Eighty-Two Dollars and Sixty-Seven Cents--Love +Letters--Correspondence of Public Officials---Letters to +Strangers--Letters to Newspapers, Magazines, etc.--Invitations, +Acceptances and Regrets. + +IX. THE ETIQUETTE OF DINNERS AND BALLS +Formal Dinners in America-Table Manners for Children--Removing +Stains from Gray Silk--A Child's Garden of Etiquette--Etiquette +in the School--Conversation at Dinner--What a New Jersey Lady Did +with Her Olive Seeds --Stewart's Lightning Calculator of Dinner +Table Conversation--"It Seems that Pat and Mike"--Balls and +Dances---Artificial Respiration--Mixed Dancing--Hints for Stags. + + +A Word of Warning and Encouragement + + + + +CHAPTER ONE: THE ETIQUETTE OF COURTSHIP + +A FEW WORDS ABOUT LOVE + +Courtship is one of the oldest of social customs, even antedating +in some countries such long-established usages as marriage, or +the wearing of white neckties with full evening dress. The +beginnings of the etiquette of courtship were apparently +connected in some way with the custom of "love" between the +sexes, and many of the old amatory forms still survive in the +modern courtship. It is generally agreed among students of the +history of etiquette that when "love" first began to become +popular among the better class of younger people they took to it +with such avidity that it was necessary to devise some sort of +rules for the conduct of formal or informal love-making. These +rules, together with various amendments, now constitute the +etiquette of courtship. + +Suppose, for example, that you are a young gentleman named +Richard Roe desirous of entering upon a formal courtship with +some refined young girl of fashion. You are also, being a college +graduate, engaged in the bond business. One morning there comes +into your financial institution a young lady, named Dorothy Doe, +who at once attracts your attention by her genteel manners, as +exemplified by the fact that she calls the president of your +company "father." So many young people seem to think it "smart" +to refer to their parents as "dad" or "my old man"; you are +certain, as soon as you hear her say "Hello, father" to your +employer, that she is undoubtedly a worthy object of courtship. + + +CORRECT INTRODUCTIONS; HOW TO MAKE THEM + +Your first step should be, of course, the securing of an +introduction. Introductions still play an important part in +social intercourse, and many errors are often perpetrated by +those ignorant of savoir faire (correct form). When introducing a +young lady to a stranger for example, it is not au fait (correct +form) to simply say, "Mr. Roe, I want you to shake hands with my +friend Dorothy." Under the rules of the beau monde (correct form) +this would probably be done as follows: "Dorothy (or Miss Doe), +shake hands with Mr. Roe." Always give the name of the lady +first, unless you are introducing some one to the President of +the United States, the Archbishop of Canterbury, a member of the +nobility above a baron, or a customer. The person who is being +"introduced" then extends his (or her) right ungloved hand and +says, "Shake." You "shake," saying at the same time, "It's warm +(cool) for November (May)," to which the other replies, "I'll say +it is." + +This brings up the interesting question of introducing two people +to each other, neither of whose names you can remember. This is +generally done by saying very quickly to one of the parties, "Of +course you know Miss Unkunkunk." Say the last "unk" very quickly, +so that it sounds like any name from Ab to Zinc. You might even +sneeze violently. Of course, in nine cases out of ten, one of the +two people will at once say, "I didn't get the name," at which +you laugh, "Ha! Ha! Ha!" in a carefree manner several times, +saying at the same time, "Well, well--so you didn't get the +name--you didn't get the name --well, well." If the man still +persists in wishing to know who it is to whom he is being +introduced, the best procedure consists in simply braining him on +the spot with a club or convenient slab of paving stone. + +The "introduction," in cases where you have no mutual friend to +do the introducing, is somewhat more difficult but can generally +be arranged as follows: + +Procure a few feet of stout manila rope or clothes-line, from any +of the better-class hardware stores. Ascertain (from the Social +Register, preferably) the location of the young lady's residence, +and go there on some dark evening about nine o'clock. Fasten the +rope across the sidewalk in front of the residence about six +inches or a foot from the ground. Then, with the aid of a match +and some kerosene, set fire to the young lady's house in several +places and retire behind a convenient tree. After some time, if +she is at home, she will probably be forced to run out of her +house to avoid being burned to death. In her excitement she will +fail to notice the rope which you have stretched across the +sidewalk and will fall. This is your opportunity to obtain an +introduction. Stepping up to her and touching your hat politely, +you say, in a well modulated voice, "I beg your pardon, Miss Doe, +but I cannot help noticing that you are lying prone on the +sidewalk." If she is well bred, she will not at first speak to +you, as you are a perfect stranger. This silence, however, should +be your cue to once more tip your hat and remark, "I realize, +Miss Doe, that I have not had the honor of an introduction, but +you will admit that you are lying prone on the sidewalk. Here is +my card--and here is one for Mrs. Doe, your mother." At that you +should hand her two plain engraved calling cards, each containing +your name and address. If there are any other ladies in her +family--aunts, grandmothers, et cetera--it is correct to leave +cards for them also. Be sure that the cards are clean, as the +name on the calling card is generally sufficient for +identification purposes without the addition of the thumbprint. + +When she has accepted your cards, she will give you one of hers, +after which it will be perfectly correct for you to assist her to +rise from the sidewalk. Do not, however, press your attentions +further upon her at this time, but after expressing the proper +regret over her misfortune it would be well to bow and retire. + + +{illustration caption = +Every one knows that table manners betray one's bringing-up +mercilessly. The young man in the picture has good reason to wish +a meteorite would fall on him. His perpendicularity has just been +restored by a deft upward movement of Aunt Harriet's shoulder, +upon which he had inadvertently rested his head during a quiet +snooze while Cousin Edna was making her little speech at the +Bridal Dinner. PERFECT BEHAVIOR would have Pasteurized him +against even Bridal Dinners.} + + +{illustration caption = +When a woman recognizes and nods to a man to whom she has been +formally introduced several times, or to whom she has been +married, is the man expected to accept the greeting and politely +lift his hat or should he lift both his hat and his toupee? +Street etiquette is disposed authoritatively and finally in +PERFECT BEHAVIOR.} + +{illustration caption = +You are, let us pretend, walking in the park. You come upon two +benches arranged as shown in the above diagram. Would you know +which bench it would be proper to sit on if you are (1) a young +man just out of college--(2) a rather homely young woman? To +avoid embarrassment look this up in PERFECT BEHAVIOR.} + + +{illustration caption = +A jolly crowd is boarding the 4:56 for a house-party in the +suburbs. The gentleman at the right, having been educated abroad, +has never learned to play the ukelele, the banjo, the jew's harp +or the saxophone, and is, with the best intentions in the world, +attempting to contribute his share to the gaiety of the coming +evenings by bringing along his player-piano. Would you--be +honest!--have recognized his action as a serious social blunder +without having referred to PERFECT BEHAVIOR?} + + +{illustration caption = +The young mother in the picture is traveling from one point to +another in a Pullman. In the effort to commit as great a nuisance +as possible, she has provided her child with a banana and a hard +boiled egg. Not having dipped into the chapter on travel in +PERFECT BEHAVIOR, she is ignorant of the fact that a peach would +have produced quite as much mess and far more permanent stains +and a folding cup for the water cooler would have spread the +disturbance over a wider area.} + + + +CARDS AND FLOWERS + +The next day, however, you should send flowers, enclosing another +of your cards. It might be well to write some message on the card +recalling the events of the preceding evening--nothing intimate, +but simply a reminder of your first meeting and a suggestion that +you might possibly desire to continue the acquaintanceship. +Quotations from poetry of the better sort are always appropriate; +thus, on this occasion, it might be nice to write on the card +accompanying the flowers--" "This is the forest primeval'--H. W. +Longfellow," or "'Take, oh take, those lips away'--W. +Shakespeare." You will find there are hundreds of lines equally +appropriate for this and other occasions, and in this connection +it might be well to display a little originality at times by +substituting pertinent verses of your own in place of the +conventional quotations. For example--"This is the forest +primeval, I regret your last evening's upheaval," shows the young +lady in question that not only are you well-read in classic +poetry, but also you have no mean talent of your own. Too much +originality, however, is dangerous, especially in polite social +intercourse, and I need hardly remind you that the floors of the +social ocean are watered with the tears of those who seek to walk +on their own hook. + +Within a week after you have sent the young lady the flowers, you +should receive a polite note of thanks, somewhat as follows: "My +dear Mr. Roe: Those lovely flowers came quite as a surprise. They +are lovely, and I cannot thank you enough for your +thoughtfulness. Their lovely fragrance fills my room as I write, +and I wish to thank you again. It was lovely of you." + + +FLOWERS AND THEIR MESSAGE IN COURTSHIP + +It is now time to settle down to the more serious business of +courtship. Her letter shows beyond the shadow of a figurative +doubt that she is "interested," and the next move is "up to you." +Probably she will soon come into the office to see her father, in +which case you should have ready at hand some appropriate gift, +such as, for example, a nice potted geranium. Great care should +be taken, however, that it is a plant of the correct species, for +in the etiquette of courtship all flowers have different meanings +and many a promising affair has been ruined because a suitor sent +his lady a buttercup, meaning "That's the last dance I'll ever +take you to, you big cow," instead of a plant with a more tender +significance. Some of the commoner flowers and their meaning in +courtship are as follows: + +Fringed Gentian--"I am going out to get a shave. Back at 3:30." + +Poppy--"I would be proud to be the father of your children." + +Golden-rod--"I hear that you have hay-fever." + +Tuberose--"Meet me Saturday at the Fourteenth Street subway +station." + +Blood-root--"Aunt Kitty murdered Uncle Fred Thursday." + +Dutchman's Breeches--"That case of Holland gin and Old Tailor has +arrived. Come on over." + +Iris--"Could you learn to love an optician?" + +Aster--"Who was that stout Jewish-looking party I saw you with in +the hotel lobby Friday?" + +Deadly Nightshade--"Pull down those blinds, quick!" + +Passion Flower--"Phone Main 1249--ask for Eddie." + +Raspberry--"I am announcing my engagement to Charlie O'Keefe +Tuesday." + +Wild Thyme--"I have seats for the Hippodrome Saturday afternoon." + + +The above flowers can also be combined to make different +meanings, as, for example, a bouquet composed of three tuberoses +and some Virginia creeper generally signifies the following, "The +reason I didn't call for you yesterday was that I had three inner +tube punctures, besides a lot of engine trouble in that old car I +bought in Virginia last year. Gosh, I'm sorry!" + +But to return to the etiquette of our present courtship. As Miss +Doe leaves the office you follow her, holding the potted plant in +your left hand. After she has gone a few paces you step up to +her, remove your hat (or cap) with your right hand, and offer her +the geranium, remarking, "I beg your pardon, miss, but didn't you +drop this?" A great deal depends upon the manner in which you +offer the plant and the way she receives it. If you hand it to +her with the flower pointing upward it means, "Dare I hope?" +Reversed, it signifies, "Your petticoat shows about an inch, or +an inch and a half." If she receives the plant in her right hand, +it means, "I am"; left hand, "You are"; both hands--"He, she or +it is." If, however, she takes the pot firmly in both hands and +breaks it with great force on your head, the meaning is usually +negative and your only correct course of procedure is a hasty bow +and a brief apology. + + +RECEIVING AN INVITATION TO CALL + +Let us suppose, however, that she accepts the geranium in such a +manner that you are encouraged to continue the acquaintance. Your +next move should be a request for an invitation to call upon her +at her home. This should, above all things, not be done crudely. +It is better merely to suggest your wish by some indirect method +such as, "Oh--so you live on William Street. Well, well! I often +walk on William Street in the evening, but I have never called on +any girl there--YET." The "yet" may be accompanied by a slight +raising of your eyebrows, a wink, or a friendly nudge with your +elbow. Unless she is unusually "dense" she will probably "take +the hint" and invite you to come and see her some evening. At +once you should say, "WHAT evening? How about TO-NIGHT?" If she +says that she is already engaged for that evening, take a +calendar out of your pocket and remark, "Tomorrow? Wednesday? +Thursday? Friday? I really have no engagements between now and +October. Saturday? Sunday?" This will show her that you are +really desirous of calling upon her and she will probably say, +"Well, I think I am free Thursday night, but you had better +telephone me first." + + +THE ETIQUETTE OF TELEPHONING + +On Thursday morning, therefore, you should go to a public +telephone-booth in order to call the young lady's house. The +etiquette of telephoning is quite important and many otherwise +perfectly well-bred people often make themselves conspicuous +because they do not know the correct procedure in using this +modern but almost indispensable invention. Upon entering the +telephone-booth, which is located, say, in some drug store, you +remove the receiver from the hook and deposit the requisite coin +in the coin box. After an interval of some minutes a young lady +(referred to as "Central") will ask for your "Number, please." +Suppose, for example, that you wish to get Bryant 4310. Remove +your hat politely and speak that number into the mouthpiece. +"Central" will then say, "Rhinelander 4310." To which you reply, +"NO, Central--BRYANT 4310." Central then says, "I beg your +pardon--Bryant 4310," to which you reply, "Yes, please." In a few +minutes a voice at the other end of the line says, "Hello," to +which you answer, "Is Miss Doe at home?" The voice then says, +"Who?" You say, "Miss Doe, please--Miss Dorothy Doe." You then +hear the following, "Wait a minute. Say, Charlie, is they anybody +works around here by the name of Doe? There's a guy wants to talk +to a Miss Doe. Here--you answer it." Another voice then says, +"Hello." You reply "Hello." He says, "What do you want?" You +reply, "I wish to speak to Miss Dorothy Doe." He says, "What +department does she work in?" You reply, "Is this the residence +of J. Franklin Doe, President of the First National Bank?" He +says, "Wait a minute." You wait a minute. You wait several. +Another voice--a new voice says-"Hello." You reply "Hello." He +says, "Give me Stuyvesant 8864." You say, "But I'm trying to get +Miss Doe--Miss Dorothy Doe." He says, "Who?" You say, "Is this +the residence of --" He says, "Naw--this is Goebel Brothers, +Wholesale Grocers--what number do you want?" You say, "Bryant +4310." He says, "Well, this is Rhinelander 4310." You then hang +up the receiver and count twenty. The telephone bell then rings, +and inasmuch as you are the only person near the phone you take +up the receiver and say, "Hello." A female voice, says, "Hello, +dearie--don't you know who this is?" You say, politely but +firmly, "No." She says, "Guess!" You guess "Mrs. Warren G. +Harding." She says, "No. This is Ethel. Is Walter there?" You +reply, "Walter?" She says, "Ask him to come to the phone, will +you? He lives up-stairs over the drug store. Just yell "Walter' +at the third door down the hall. Tell him Ethyl wants to speak to +him--no, wait--tell him it's Madge." Being a gentleman, you +comply with the lady's request. After bringing Walter to the +phone, you obligingly wait for some twenty minutes while he +converses with Ethel--no, Madge. When he has finished, you once +more enter the booth and tell "Central" you want Bryant 4310. +After a few minutes "Central" says, "What number did you call?" +You say patiently, "Bryant 4310." She replies, "Bryant 4310 has +been changed to Schuyler 6372." You ask for Schuyler 6372. +Finally a woman's voice says, "Yass." You say, "Is Miss Doe in?" +She replies, "Yass." You say, "May I speak to her?" She says, +"Who?" You reply, "You said Miss Doe was at home, didn't you?" +She replies, "Yass." You say, "Well, may I speak to her?" The +voice says, "Who?" You shout, "Miss Doe." The voice says, "She +ban out." You shriek, "Oh, go to hell!" and assuming a graceful, +easy position in the booth, you proceed to tear the telephone +from the wall. Later on in the day, when you have two or three +hours of spare time, you can telephone Miss Doe again and arrange +for the evening's visit. + + +MAKING THE FIRST CALL + +The custom of social "calls" between young men and young women is +one of the prettiest of etiquette's older conventions, and one +around which clusters a romantic group of delightful traditions. +In this day and generation, what with horseless carriages, +electric telephones and telegraphs, and dirigible gas bags, a +great many of the older forms have been allowed to die out, +greatly, I believe, to our discredit. "Speed, not manners," seems +to be the motto of this century. I hope that there still exist a +few young men who care enough about "good form" to study +carefully to perfect themselves in the art of "calling." Come, +Tom, Dick and Harry--drop your bicycles for an afternoon and fill +your minds with something besides steam engines and pneumatic +tires! + +The first call at the home of any young lady of fashion is an +extremely important social function, and too great care can not +be taken that you prepare yourself thoroughly in advance. It +would be well to leave your work an hour or two earlier in the +afternoon, so that you can go home and practice such necessary +things as entering or leaving a room correctly. Most young men +are extremely careless in this particular, and unless you +rehearse yourself thoroughly in the proper procedure you are apt +to find later on to your dismay that you have made your exit +through a window onto the fire-escape instead of through the +proper door. + + +CONVERSATION AND SOME OF ITS USES + +Your conversation should also be planned more or less in advance. +Select some topic in which you think your lady friend will be +interested, such as, for example, the removal of tonsils and +adenoids, and "read up" on the subject so that you can discuss it +in an intelligent manner. Find out, for example, how many people +had tonsils removed in February, March, April. Contrast this with +the same figures for 1880, 1890, 1900. Learn two or three amusing +anecdotes about adenoids. Consult Bartlett's "Familiar +Quotations" for appropriate verses dealing with tonsils and +throat troubles. Finally, and above all, take time to glance +through four or five volumes of Dr. Eliot's Five Foot Shelf, for +nothing so completely marks the cultivated man as the ability to +refer familiarly to the various volumes of the Harvard classics. + + +A PROPER CALL + +Promptly at the time appointed you should arrive at the house +where the young lady is staying. In answer to your ring a German +police dog will begin to bark furiously inside the house, and a +maid will finally come to the door. Removing your hat and one +glove, you say, "Is Miss Doe home?" The maid replies, "Yass, ay +tank so." You give her your card and the dog rushes out and bites +you on either the right or left leg. You are then ushered into a +room in which is seated an old man with a long white beard. He is +fast asleep. "Dot's grampaw," says the maid, to which you reply, +"Oh." She retires, leaving you alone with grampaw. After a while +he opens his eyes and stares at you for a few minutes. He then +says, "Did the dog bite you?" You answer, "Yes, sir." Grampaw +then says, "He bites everybody," and goes back to sleep. +Reassured, you light a cigaret. A little boy and girl then come +to the door, and, after examining you carefully for several +minutes, they burst into giggling laughter and run away. You feel +to see if you have forgotten to put on a necktie. A severe +looking old lady then enters the room. You rise and bow. "I am +Miss Doe's grandmother. Some one has been smoking in here," she +says, and sits down opposite you. Her remark is not, however, a +hint for a cigaret and you should not make the mistake of saying, +"I've only got Fatimas, but if you care to try one--" It should +be your aim to seek to impress yourself favorably upon every +member of the young lady's family. Try to engage the grandmother +in conversation, taking care to select subjects in which you feel +she would be interested. Conversation is largely the art of +"playing up" to the other person's favorite subject. In this +particular case, for example, it would be a mistake to say to +Miss Doe's grandmother, "Have you ever tried making synthetic +gin?" or "Do you think any one will EVER lick Dempsey?" A more +experienced person, and some one who had studied the hobbies of +old people, would probably begin by remarking, "Well, I see that +Jeremiah Smith died of cancer Thursday," or "That was a lovely +burial they gave Mrs. Watts, wasn't it?" If you are tactful, you +should soon win the old lady's favor completely, so that before +long she will tell you all about her rheumatism and what grampaw +can and can't eat. + +Finally Miss Doe arrives. Her first words are, "Have you been +waiting long? Hilda didn't tell me you were here," to which you +reply, "No--I just arrived." She then says, "Shall we go in the +drawing-room?" The answer to this is, "For God's sake, yes!" In a +few minutes you find yourself alone in the drawing-room with the +lady of your choice and the courtship proper can then begin. + +The best way to proceed is gradually to bring the conversation +around to the subject of the "modern girl." After your +preliminary remarks about tonsils and adenoids have been +thoroughly exhausted, you should suddenly say, "Well I don't +think girls--nice girls--are really that way." She replies, of +course, "WHAT way?" You answer, "Oh, the way they are in these +modern novels. This "petting,' for instance." She says, "WHAT +"petting'?" You walk over and sit down on the sofa beside her. +"Oh," you say, "these novelists make me sick--they seem to think +that in our generation every time a young man and woman are left +alone on a lounge together, they haven't a thing better to do +than put out the light and "pet.' It's disgusting, isn't it?" +"Isn't it?" she agrees and reaching over she accidentally pulls +the lamp cord, which puts out the light. + +On your first visit you should not stay after +12:30. + + +THE PROPOSAL PROPER + +About the second or third month of a formal courtship it is +customary for the man to propose matrimony, and if the girl has +been "out" for three or four years and has several younger +sisters coming along, it is customary for her to accept him. They +then become "engaged," and the courtship is concluded. + + + +CHAPTER TWO: THE ETIQUETTE OF ENGAGEMENTS AND WEDDINGS + +THE HISTORIC ASPECT + +"Matrimony," sings Homer, the poet, "is a holy estate and not +lightly to be entered into." The "old Roman" is right. + +A modern wedding is one of the most intricate and exhausting of +social customs. Young men and women of our better classes are now +forced to devote a large part of their lives to acting as brides, +grooms, ushers and bridesmaids at various elaborate nuptials. +Weeks are generally required in preparation for an up-to-date +wedding; months are necessary in recovering from such an affair. +Indeed, some of the participants, notably the bride and groom, +never quite get over the effects of a marriage. + +It was not "always thus." Time was when the wedding was a +comparatively simple. affair. In the Paleolithic Age, for +example, (as Mr. H. G. Wells of England points out in his able +"Outline of History"), there is no evidence of any particular +ceremony conjunctive with the marriage of "a male and a female." +Even with the advent of Neolithic man, a wedding seems to have +been consummated by the rather simple process of having the +bridegroom crack the bride over the head with a plain, +unornamented stone ax. There were no ushers--no bridesmaids. But +shortly after that (c- 10,329--30 B.C. to be exact) two young +Neoliths named Haig, living in what is now supposed to be +Scotland, discovered that the prolonged distillation of common +barley resulted in the creation of an amber-colored liquid which, +when taken internally, produced a curious and not unpleasant +effect. + +This discovery had--and still has--a remarkable effect upon the +celebration of the marriage rite. Gradually there grew up around +the wedding a number of customs. With the Haig brothers' +discovery of Scotch whiskey began, as a matter of course, the +institution of the "bachelor dinner." "Necessity is the mother of +invention," and exactly twelve years after the first "bachelor +dinner" came the discovery of bicarbonate of soda. From that time +down to the present day the history of the etiquette of weddings +has been that of an increasing number of intricate forms and +ceremonies, each age having added its particular bit of ritual. +The modern wedding may be said to be, therefore, almost an +"Outline of History" itself. + + +ANNOUNCING THE ENGAGEMENT + +LET us begin, first of all, with the duties of one of the minor +characters at a wedding --the Groom. Suppose that you are an +eligible young man named Richard Roe, who has just become +"engaged" to a young lady named Dorothy Doe. If you really intend +to "marry the girl," it is customary that some formal +announcement of the engagement be made, for which you must have +the permission of Miss Dorothy and her father. It is not +generally difficult to become engaged to most girls, but it will +surprise you to discover how hard it is to get the young lady +whom you believe to be your fiancee to consent to a public +announcement of the fact. The reason for this probably is that an +engagement which has been "announced" often leads to matrimony, +and matrimony, in polite society, often lasts for several years. +After you have secured the girl's permission, it is next +necessary that you notify her father of the engagement. In this +particular case, as he happens to be your employer, the +notification can take place in his office. First of all, however, +it would be advisable to prepare some sort of speech in advance. +Aim to put him as far as possible at his ease, lead up to the +subject gradually and tactfully. Abruptness is never "good form." +The following is suggested as a possible model. "Good morning, +Mr. Doe, say, I heard a good story from a traveling salesman last +night. It seems that there was a young married couple--(here +insert a good story about a young married couple). Wasn't that +RICH? Yes, sir, marriage is a great thing--a great institution. +Every young man ought to get married, don't you think? You do? +Well, Mr. Doe, I've got a surprise for you, (here move toward the +door). I'm going to (here open the door) marry (step out of the +room) your daughter" (close the door quickly). + + +THE BRIDE-TO-BE + +Before the public announcement of the engagement it is customary +for the bride-to-be to write personal letters to all other young +men to whom she happens to be engaged at the time. These notes +should be kindly, sympathetic and tactful. The same note can be +written to all, provided there is no chance of their comparing +notes. The following is suggested: + +"Dear Bob-- + +Bob, I want you to be the very first to know that I am engaged to +Richard Roe. I want you to like him, Bob, because he is a fine +fellow and I would rather have you like him than any one I know. +I feel that he and I shall be very happy together, and I want you +to be the first to know about it. Your friendship will always +remain one of the brightest things in my life, Bob, but, of +course, I probably won't be able to go to the Aiken dance with +you now. Please don't tell anybody about it yet. I shall never +forget the happy times you and I had together, Bob, and will you +please return those silly letters of mine. I am sending you +yours." + + +{illustration caption = +Nothing so completely betrays the "Cockney" as a faulty knowledge +of sporting terms. The young lady at the left has just returned +from the hunting field hand-in-hand with the dashing "lead," who +happens to be an eligible billionaire. Her hostess, the mother of +the sub-deb at the right, has greeted her by hissing, "S--o--o! I +see you've had a good day's hunting!" The use of this +unsportsmanlike expression--in stead of the correct "Hope you had +a good run," or "Where did you find?"--at once discloses the +hostess's mean origin and the young lady will almost certainly +never accept +another invitation to her house.} + +{illustration caption = +In this work-a-day world, one is likely to forget that there is +an etiquette of pleasure, just as there is an etiquette of +dancing or the opera. One often hears a charming hostess refuse +to invite this or that person to her home for a game of billiards +on the ground that he or she is a "bum sport" or a "rotten +loser." The above scene illustrates one of the little, but +conspicuous, blunders that people make. The gentleman, having +missed his fifth consecutive shot, has broken his cue over his +knee and is ripping the baize off the table with the sharp end. +This display is not in the best taste. + +{illustration caption = +Good form at the beach is still a question of debate. Some +authorities on the subject insist that the Rubenesque type is +preferable, while others claim that the Byzantine is more +fashionable. One thing is certain--it is absolutely incorrect for +ladies who weigh less than 75 or more than 275 pounds +(avoirdupois) to appear in costumes that would offend against +modesty. It is also considered rude to hold one's swimming +partner under water for more then the formal quarter of an hour.} + + +THE ENGAGEMENT LUNCHEON + +THE engagement is generally announced at a luncheon given by the +parents of the prospective bride. This is usually a small affair, +only fifteen or twenty of the most intimate friends of the +engaged "couple" being invited. It is one of the customs of +engagement luncheons that all the guests shall be tremendously +surprised at the news, and great care should be taken to aid them +in carrying out this tradition. On the invitations, for example, +should be written some misleading phrase, such as "To meet +General Pershing" or "Not to Announce the Engagement of our +Daughter." + +The announcement itself which should be made soon after the +guests are seated, offers a splendid opportunity for the display +of originality and should aim to afford the guest a surprise and +perhaps a laugh, for laughter of a certain quiet kind is often +welcome at social functions. One of the most favored methods of +announcing an engagement is by the use of symbolic figures +embodying the names of the affianced pair. Thus, for example, in +the case of the present engagement of Richard Roe to Dorothy Doe +it would be "unique" to have the first course at luncheon consist +of a diminutive candy or paper-mache doe seated amorously upon a +heart shaped order of a shad roe. The guests will at first be +mystified, but soon cries of "Oh, how sweet!" will arise and +congratulations are then in order. Great care should be taken, +however, that the symbolic figures are not misunderstood; it +would be extremely embarrassing, for example, if in the above +instance, a young man named "Shad" or "Aquarium" were to receive +the congratulations instead of the proper person. Other +suggestions for symbolistic announcements of some of the more +common names are as follows: + +"Cohan-O'Brien"--ice cream cones on a plate of O'Brien potatoes. + +"Ames-Green--green ice cream in the shape of a man aiming at +something. + +"Thorne-Hoyt--figure of a man from Brooklyn pulling a thorn from +foot with expression on his face signifying "This hoits." + +"Bullitt-Bartlett--bartlett pears full of small 22 or 33 calibre +bullets. + +"Tweed-Ellis"--frosted cake in the shape of Ellis Island with a +solitary figure of a man in a nice fitting tweed suit. + +"Gordon-Fuller"--two paper-mache figures--one representing a +young man full of Gordon gin, the other representing a young man +fuller. + +"Hatch-Gillette"--figure of a chicken surprised at having hatched +a safety razor. + +"Graves-Colgate"--figure of a man brushing his teeth in a +cemetery. + +"Heinz-Fish"--57 assorted small fish tastily arranged on one +plate. + + +SELECTING THE BRIDAL PARTY + +AS soon as the engagement has been announced it is the duty of +the prospective bride to select a maid-of-honor and eight or ten +bridesmaids, while the groom must choose his best man and ushers. +In making these selections it should be carefully borne in mind +that no wedding party is complete without the following: + +1 bridesmaid who danced twice with the Prince of Wales. + +2 Bridesmaids who never danced more than once with anybody. + +1 bridesmaid who doesn't "Pet." + +1 bridesmaid who was expelled from Miss Spence's. + +1 bridesmaid who talks "Southern." + +1 bridesmaid who met Douglas Fairbanks once. + +1 bridesmaid who rowed on the crew at Wellesley. + +1 usher who doesn't drink anything. + +9 ushers who drink anything. + + +In some localities, following the announcement, it is customary +for the bride's friends, to give for her a number of "showers." +These are for the purpose of providing her with various +necessities for her wedded household life. These affairs should +be informal and only her dearest or wealthiest friends should be +invited. A clever bride will generally arrange secretly for +several of these "showers" by promising a certain percentage +(usually 15% of the gross up to $500.00 and 25% bonus on all over +that amount) to the friend who gives the party. Some of the more +customary "showers" of common household articles for the new +bride are toothpaste, milk of magnesia, screen doors, copies of +Service's poems, Cape Cod lighters, pictures of "Age of +Innocence" and back numbers of the "Atlantic Monthly." + + +INVITATIONS AND WEDDING PRESENTS + +The proper time to send out invitations to a wedding is between +two and three weeks before the day set for the ceremony, although +the out-of-town invitations should be mailed in plenty of time to +allow the recipient to purchase and forward a suitable present. +As the gifts are received, a check mark should be placed after +the name of the donor, together with a short description of the +present and an estimate as to its probable cost. This list is to +be used later, at the wedding reception, in determining the +manner in which the bride is to greet the various guests. It has +been found helpful by many brides to devise some sort of memory +system whereby certain names immediately suggest certain +responses, thus: + +"Mr. Snodgrass--copy of "Highways and Byways in Old France"--c. +$6.50--"how do you do, Mr. Snodgrass, have you met my mother?" + +"Mr. Brackett--Solid silver candlesticks--$68.50"--"hello, Bob, +you old peach. How about a kiss?" + +The real festivities of a wedding start about three days before +the ceremony, with the arrival of the "wedding party," in which +party the most responsible position is that of best man. Let us +suppose that you are to be the best man at the Roe-Doe nuptials. +What are your duties? + +In the first place, you must prepare yourself for the wedding by +a course of training extending for over a month or more prior to +the actual event. It should be your aim to work yourself into +such a condition that you can go for three nights without sleep, +talk for hours to the most impossibly stupid of young women, and +consume an unending amount of alcohol. You are then prepared for +the bachelor dinner, the bridal dinner, the bridesmaids, the +wedding, and the wedding reception. + + +DUTIES OF THE BEST MAN + +Upon your arrival in the city where the wedding is to take place +you will be met by the bridegroom, who will take you to the home +of the bride where you are to stay. There you are met by the +bride's father. "This is my best man," says the groom. "The best +man?" replies her father. "Well, may the best man win." At once +you reply, "Ha! Ha! Ha!" He then says, "Is this your first visit +to Chicago?" to which the correct answer is, "Yes, sir, but I +hope it isn't my last." + +The bride's mother then appears. "This is my best man," says the +groom. "Well," says she, "remember--the best man doesn't always +win." "Ha! Ha! Ha!" you at once reply. "Is this your first visit +to Chicago?" says she, to which you answer, "Yes--but I hope it +isn't my last." + +You are then conducted to your room, where you are left alone to +unpack. In a few minutes the door will open and a small boy +enter. This is the brother of the bride. You smile at him +pleasantly and remark, "Is this your first visit to Chicago?" +"What are you doing?" is his answer. "Unpacking," you reply. +"What's that?" says he. "A cutaway," you reply. "What's that?" +says he. "A collar bag." "What's that?" "A dress shirt." "What's +that?" says he. "Another dress shirt." "What's that?" says he. +"Say, listen," you reply, "don't I hear some one calling you?" +"No," says he, "what's that?" "That," you reply, with a sigh of +relief, "is a razor. Here --take it and play with it." In three +minutes, if you have any luck at all, the bride's brother will +have cut himself severely in several places which will cause him +to run crying from the room. You can then finish unpacking. + + +THE BRIDE'S TEA + +The first function of the pre-nuptial festivities is generally a +tea at the bride's home, where the ushers and bridesmaids meet to +become "acquainted." It is your duty, as best man, to go to the +hotel where the ushers are stopping and bring them to this tea. +Just as you will leave on this mission the groom will whisper in +your ear, "For God's sake, remember to tell them that her father +and mother are terribly opposed to drinking in any form." This is +an awfully good joke on her father and mother. + +As you step out of the hotel elevator you hear at the end of the +hall a chorus shouting, "Mademoiselle from Armentieres--parlez +vous!" Those are your ushers. + +Opening the door of the room you step forward and announce, +"Fellows, we have got to go to a tea right away. Come on--let's +go." At this, ten young men in cutaways will stand up and shout, +"Yeaaa--the best man--give the best man a drink!" From then on, +at twelve minute intervals, it is your duty to say, "Fellows, we +have got to go to a tea right away. Come on--let's go." Each time +you will be handed another drink, which you may take with either +your right or left hand. + +After an hour the telephone will ring. It will be the groom. He +will say, "Everybody is waiting for you and the ushers," to which +you reply, "We are just leaving." He then says, "And don't forget +to tell them what I told you about her father and mother." + +You then hang up the receiver, take a drink in one hand and say, +"Fellows, I have a very solemn message for you. It's a message +which is of deep importance to each one of us. Fellows--her +father and mother object to the use of alcohol in any form." + +This statement will be greeted with applause and cheers. You will +all then take one more drink, put on your silk hats and gray +gloves, and leave the room singing, "Her father and mother object +to drink--parlez vous." + +The tea given by the bride's parents is generally a small affair +to which only the members of the wedding party are invited. When +you and the ushers arrive, you will find the bride, the maid of +honor and the bridesmaids waiting for you. As you enter the room, +make a polite bow to the bride's father and mother, and be sure +to apologize for your lateness. Nothing so betrays the social +"oil can" as a failure to make a plausible excuse for tardiness. +Whenever you are late for a party you must always have ready some +good reason for your fault, such as, "Excuse me, Mrs. Doe, I'm +afraid I am a little late, but you see, just as I was dressing, +this filling dropped out of my tooth and I had to have it put +back in." If the host and hostess seem to doubt your statement, +it would be well to show them the recalcitrant filling in +question, although if they are "well-bred" they will probably in +most cases take you at your word. + + +THE MAID OF HONOR + +You and the ushers will then be introduced to the bridesmaids and +the maid of honor. As you meet this latter young lady, who is the +bride's older sister and, of course, your partner for the +remainder of the wedding festivities, she will say, "The best +man? Well, they say that the best man wins . . . Ha! Ha! Ha!" +This puts her in class G 6 without further examination, and your +only hope of prolonging your life throughout the next two days +lies in the frequent and periodic administration of stimulants. + + +THE BACHELOR DINNER AND AFTER + +That evening the groom gives for the best man and the ushers what +is known as a "bachelor dinner." It is his farewell to his men +friends as he passes out of the state of bachelorhood. The formal +passing out generally occurs toward the end of the dinner, and is +a quaint ceremony participated in by most of those present. + +It is customary for the best man to wake up about noon of the +following day. You will not have the slightest idea as to where +you are or how you got there. You will be wearing your dress +trousers, your stiff or pleated bosom dress shirt, black socks +and pumps, and the coat of your pajamas. In one hand you will be +clutching a chrysanthemum. After a few minutes there will come a +low moan from the next bed. That is usually the groom, also in +evening dress with the exception that he has tried to put on the +trousers of your pajamas over his dress trousers. You then say, +"What happened?" to which he replies, "Oh, Judas." You wait +several minutes. In the next room you hear the sound of a shower +bath and some one whistling. The bath stops; the whistling +continues. The door then opens and there enters one of the +ushers. He is the usher who always "feels great" the next day +after the bachelor dinner. He says to you, "Well, boys, you look +all in." You do not reply. He continues, "Gosh, I feel fine." You +make no response. He then begins to chuckle, "I don't suppose you +remember," he says, "what you said to the bride's mother when I +brought you home last night." You sit quickly up in bed. "What +did I say?" you ask. "Was I tight?" "Were you tight?" he replies, +still chuckling. "Don't you remember what you said? And don't you +remember trying to get the bride's father to slide down the +banisters with you? Were you tight--Oh, my gosh!" He then exits, +chuckling. Statistics of several important life insurance +companies show that that type of man generally dies a violent +death before the age of thirty. + + +THE REHEARSAL + +The rehearsal for the wedding is usually held in the church on +the afternoon preceding the day of the nuptials. The ushers, of +course, are an hour late, which gives the bridegroom (Bap.) an +opportunity to meet the minister (Epis.) and have a nice, long +chat about religion, while the best man (Atheist) talks to the +eighty-three year old sexton who buried the bride's grandpa and +grandma and has knowed little Miss Dorothy come twenty years next +Michaelmas. The best man's offer of twenty-five dollars, if the +sexton will at once bury the maid of honor, is generally refused +as a matter of courtesy. + + +THE BRIDAL DINNER + +In the evening, the parents of the bride give the bridal dinner, +to which all the relatives and close friends of the family are +invited. Toasts are drunk in orange juice and rare old Virginia +Dare wine, and much good-natured fun is indulged in by all. +Speeches are usually made by the bride and groom, their parents, +the best man, the maid of honor, the minister and Aunt Harriet. + +Just a word about the speeches at a bridal dinner. Terrible! + + +A CHURCH WEDDING + +On the day of the wedding the ushers should arrange to be at the +church an hour or so in advance of the time set for the ceremony. +They should be dressed in cutaways, with ties, gloves and +gardenias provided by the groom. + +It is the duty of the best man to dress the bridegroom for the +wedding. As you enter his room you see, lying half-dressed on the +bed, a pale, wan, emaciated creature, who is staring fixedly at +the ceiling. It is the happy bridegroom. His lips open. He speaks +feebly. "What time is it?" he says. You reply, "Two-thirty, old +man. Time to start getting dressed." "Oh, my God!" says the +groom. Ten minutes pass. "What time is it?" says the groom. +"Twenty of three," you reply. "Here's your shirt." "Oh, my God!" +says the groom. + +He takes the shirt and tries to put it on. You help him. "Better +have a little Scotch, old man," you say. "What time is it?" he +replies. "Five of three," you say. "Oh, my God!" says the groom. + +At three-thirty you and he are dressed in cutaways and promptly +at three-forty-two you arrive at the church. You are ushered into +a little side room where it is your duty to sit with the corpse +for the few brief hours which elapse between three-forty-five and +four o'clock. Occasionally he stirs and a faint spark of life +seems to struggle in his sunken eyes. His lips move feebly. You +bend over to catch his dying words. "Have--you--got --the ring?" +he whispers. "Yes," you reply. "Everything's fine. You look +great, too, old man." The sound of the organ reaches your ears. +The groom groans. "Have you got the ring?" he says. + +Meanwhile the ushers have been performing their duty of showing +the invited guests to the various pews. A correctly trained usher +will always have ready some cheery word or sprightly bit of +conversation to make the guests feel perfectly at home as he +conducts them to their seats. "It's a nice day, isn't it?" is +suggested as a perfectly safe and yet not too unusual topic of +conversation. This can be varied by remarking, "Isn't it a nice +day?" or in some cases, where you do not wish to appear too +forward, "Is it a nice day, or isn't it?" An usher should also +remember that although he has on a cutaway, he is neither a +floor-walker nor a bond salesman, and remarks such as "Something +in a dotted Swiss?" or "Third aisle over--second pew--next the +ribbon goods," are decidedly non au fait. + +The first two pews on each side of the center aisle are always +reserved for members of the immediate family, but it is a firmly +established custom that the ushers shall seat in these "family +pews" at least three people with whom the family are barely on +speaking terms. This slight error always causes Aunt Nellie and +Uncle Fred to sit up in the gallery with the family cook. + +With the arrival of the bride, the signal is given to the +organist to start the wedding march, usually either Mendelssohn's +or Wagner's. About this time the mother of the bride generally +discovers that the third candle from the left on the rear altar +has not been lighted, which causes a delay of some fifteen +minutes during which time the organist improvises one hundred and +seventy-three variations on the opening strains of the march. + +Finally all is adjusted and the procession starts down the aisle +led by the ushers swaying slowly side by side. It is always +customary for three or four of the eight ushers to have +absolutely no conception of time or rhythm, which adds a quaint +touch of uncertainty and often a little humor to the performance. + +After the Scotch mist left by the passing ushers has cleared, +there come the bridesmaids, the maid of honor, and then, leaning +on her father's arm (unless, of course, her father is dead), the +bride. + +In the meantime, the bridegroom has been carried in by the best +man and awaits the procession at the foot of the aisle, which is +usually four hundred and forty yards long. The ushers and +bridesmaids step awkwardly to one side; the groom advances and a +hush falls over the congregation which is the signal for the +bride's little niece to ask loudly, "What's that funny looking +man going to do, Aunt Dotty?" + +Then follows the religious ceremony. + +Immediately after the church service, a reception is held at the +bride's home, where refreshments are served and two hundred and +forty-two invited guests make the same joke about kissing the +bride. At the reception it is customary for the ushers and the +best man to crawl off in separate corners and die. + +The wedding "festivities" are generally concluded with the +disappearance of the bride, the bridegroom, one of the uninvited +guests and four of the most valuable presents. + + +{illustration caption = +The man of culture and refinement, while always considerate to +those beneath him in station, never, under any circumstances, +loses control of his emotions for an instant. Though the +gentleman-rider in the picture may be touchingly fond of his +steeplechase horse, it is unpardonably bad form for him to make +an exhibition of his affection while going over the brush in +plain view of numbers of total strangers. In doing so he simply +is making a "guy" of himself, and it is no more than he deserves +if those in the gallery raise their eyebrows at each other and +smile knowingly.} + + +{illustration caption = +The Romans had a proverb, "Litera scripta manet," which means +"The written letter remains." The subtle wisdom of these words +was no doubt well known to the men of the later Paleolithic Age +before them, but evidently the gentleman in the engraving never +heard of it. If he had kept this simple little rule of social +correspondence in mind he would have avoided the painful +experience of hearing his obsolete emotions exposed to the eager +ears of twelve perfect strangers. It is customary nowadays for +unmarried elder sons of our most aristocratic families to express +their appreciation of the qualities of fascinating bachelor girls +over the sensible, though plebeian, telephone.} + + + +CHAPTER THREE: THE ETIQUETTE OF TRAVEL + +The etiquette of travel, like that of courtship and marriage, has +undergone several important changes with the advent of +"democracy" and the "mechanical age." Time was when travel was +indulged in only by the better classes of society and the rules +of travellers' etiquette were well defined and acknowledged by +all. But Yankee ingenuity has indeed brought the "mountain to +Mahomet"; the "iron horse" and the "Pullman coach" have, I +believe, come to stay, bringing with them many new customs and +manners for the well-bred gentleman or lady who would travel +correctly. Truly, the "old order changeth" and it is, perhaps, +only proper that one should keep (if you will pardon the use of +the word), "abreast" of the times. + + +HINTS FOR THE CORRECT PEDESTRIAN + +Let us suppose, for example, that you are a young gentleman of +established social position in one of the many cities of our +great middle west, and it is your desire to travel from your home +to New York City for the purpose of viewing the many attractions +of that metropolis of which I need perhaps only mention the +Aquarium or Grant's Tomb or the Eden Musee. Now there are many +ways of getting to New York, such as (a) on foot, (b) via "rail"; +it should be your first duty to select one of these methods of +transportation. Walking to New York ("a" above) is often rejected +because of the time and effort involved and it is undoubtedly +true that if one attempted to journey afoot from the middle west +one would probably be quite fatigued at the end of one's journey. +The etiquette of walking, however, is the same for short as for +long distances, and I shall at this point give a few of the many +rules for correct behavior among pedestrians. + +In the first place, it is always customary in a city for a young +lady, either accompanied or unaccompanied, to walk on the +sidewalk. A young "miss" who persists in walking in the gutters +is more apt to lose than to make friends among the socially +"worth while." + +Gentlemen, either with or without ladies, are never seen walking +after dark in the sewers or along the elevated, tracks. + +It is not au fait for gentlemen or ladies wearing evening dress +to "catch on behind" passing ice wagons, trucks, etc.; the time +and energy saved are doubtfully repaid should one happen to be +driven thus past other members of one's particular social "set." + +Ladies walking alone on the street after dark do not speak to +gentlemen unless they have been previously introduced or are out +of work with winter coming on. + +A gentleman walking alone at night, when accosted by a young +woman whom he has not met socially, removes his hat politely, +bows and passes on, unless she looks awfully good. + +Debutantes meeting traffic policemen always bow first in America; +in the Continental countries, with their age-old flavor of +aristocratic court life, this custom is reversed. + +A bachelor, accompanied by a young unmarried woman, when stepping +accidentally into an open coal or sewer hole in the sidewalk, +removes his hat and gloves as inconspicuously as possible. + +It is never correct for young people of either "sex" to push +older ladies in front of swiftly approaching motor vehicles or +street cars. + +A young man, if run over by an automobile driven by a strange +lady, should lie perfectly still (unless dead) until an +introduction can be arranged; the person driving the car usually +speaks first. + +An unmarried woman, if run into and knocked down by a taxicab +driven by someone in her own "set," usually says "Why the hell +don't you look where you're going?" to which the taxi driver, +removing his hat, replies "Why the hell don't YOU?" + +A correct costume for gentlemen walking in the parks or streets +of a city, either before or after dark, consists of shoes (2), +socks (2), undergarments, trousers, shirt, necktie, collar, vest, +coat and hat. For pedestrians of the "opposite" sex the costume +is practically the same with the exception of the socks, +trousers, shirt, necktie, collar, vest and coat. However, many +women now affect "knickerbockers" and vice versa. + +A young lady of good breeding, when walking alone, should not +talk or laugh in a loud boisterous manner. "Capers" (e. g. +climbing trees, etc.), while good exercise and undoubtedly +fashionable in certain "speedy" circles, are of questionable +taste for ladies, especially if indulged in to excess or while +walking with young gentlemen on the Sabbath. Sport is sport, and +no one loves a stiff game of "fives" or "rounders" more than I, +but the spectacle of a young unmarried lady and her escort +hanging by their limbs on the Lord's Day from the second or third +cross arm of an electric telegraph pole is certainly carrying +things a bit too far, in my opinion, even in this age of "golf" +and lawn "tennis." + +A young gentleman escorting a young lady on foot to a formal ball +or the opera should walk on the outside, especially if they are +both in evening dress and have a long distance to go. It is never +incorrect to suggest the use of a street car, or as one gets near +the Opera House, a carriage or a "taxicab." + +A young man walking with a young lady, when accosted by a beggar, +always gives the beggar something unless the young lady is his +wife or his sister. + +So much for pedestrians. I can not, of course, pretend to give +here all the rules for those who "go afoot" and I can only say +that the safest principle for correct behavior in this, as in +many social matters, is the now famous reply Thomas Edison once +made to the stranger who asked him with what he mixed his paints +in order to get such marvellous effects. "One part inspiration," +replied the great inventor, "and NINE parts perspiration." In +other words, etiquette is not so much a matter of "genius" as of +steady application to small details. + + +TRAVELLING BY RAIL + +In America much of the travelling is done by "rail." The +etiquette of railroad behavior is extremely complicated, +especially if one is forced to spend the night en route (on the +way) and many and ludicrous are the mistakes made by those whose +social training has apparently fitted them more for a freight car +than for an up-to-date "parlor" or "Pullman" coach. + + +GOOD FORM ON A STREET CAR + +Let us, first of all, however, take up some of the simpler forms +of rail transportation, such as, for example, the electric street +or "tram" car now to be seen on the main highways and byways of +all our larger cities. The rules governing behavior on these +vehicles often appear at first quite complicated, but when one +has learned the "ropes," as they say in the Navy, one should have +no difficulty. + +An elderly lady with a closed umbrella, for example, desiring to +take a street car, should always stand directly under a large +sign marked "Street Cars Do Not Stop On This Corner." As the car +approaches she should run quickly out to the car tracks and +signal violently to the motorman with the umbrella. As the car +whizzes past without stopping she should cease signalling, remark +"Well I'll be God damned!" and return to the curbstone. After +this performance has been repeated with three successive cars she +should then walk slowly out and lie down, in a dignified manner, +across the car tracks. In nine cases out of ten the motorman of +the next "tram" will see her lying there and will be gentleman +enough to stop his car. + +When this happens the elderly lady should get quietly up from the +street and stand outside the door marked "Exit Only" until the +motorman opens it for her. She should then enter with the remark, +"I signalled to three cars and not one of them stopped," to which +the motorman will reply, "But, lady, that sign there says they +don't stop on this corner." The lady should then say "What's your +number--I'm going to report you." + +After taking his number she should enter the car. At the opposite +end of the vehicle there will undoubtedly be three or four vacant +seats; instead of taking one of these she should stand up in +front of some young man and glare at him until he gets up and +gives her his place. + +It is not customary in American cities for ladies to thank +gentlemen who provide them with seats. + +After a few minutes she should turn to the man at her right and +ask "Does this car go to Madison Heights?" He will answer "No." +She should then turn to the man on her left and ask "Does this +car go to Madison Heights?" He will answer "No." Her next +question--"Does this car go to Madison Heights?"--should be +addressed to a man across the aisle, and the answer will be "No." +She should then listen attentively while the conductor calls out +the names of the streets and as he shouts "Blawmnoo!" she should +ask the man at her right "Did he say Madison Heights?" He will +reply "No." At the next street the conductor will shout +"Blawmnoo!" at which she should ask "Did he say Madison Heights?" +Once more the answer will be in the negative. The car will +proceed, the conductor will now call "Blawmnoo!" and as the +elderly lady once more says "Did he say Madison Heights?" the man +at her left, the man at her right, the man across the aisle and +eight other male passengers will shout "YES!" + +It is then correct for her to pickup her umbrella and, carefully +waiting until the conductor has pulled the "go ahead" signal, she +should cry "Wait a minute, conductor--I want to get off here." +The car will then be stopped and she should say "Is this Madison +Heights?" to which the conductor will reply "This ain't the +Madison Heights car, lady." She should then say "But you called +out Madison Heights," to which he will answer "No, lady--that's +eight miles in the opposite direction." She should then leave the +street car, not forgetting, however, to take the conductor's +number again. + +The above hints for "tram" car etiquette apply, of course, only +to elderly ladies. For young men and women the procedure would be +in many cases quite different. A young married woman, for +example, on entering a street car, should always have her ticket +or small "change" so securely buried in the fourth inside +pocketbook of her handbag that she cannot possibly find it inside +of twelve minutes. Three or more middle-aged ladies, riding +together, should never decide as to who is to pay the fare until +the conductor has gone stark raving mad. + + +{illustration caption = +Her conduct has stamped the young lady as a provincial and it is +not to be wondered at if suppressed titters and half audible +chuckles follow her about the room. PERFECT BEHAVIOR would have +taught her that it is not the prerogative of a muddy-complexioned +dud--even if she has had only one dance and her costume is very +expensive--to cut in on a gentleman (by grabbing his neck or any +other method) when he is dancing with the wide-eyed beauty from +the South who leaves in five minutes to catch a train. He will be +within his rights when, at the end of five minutes, after three +unsuccessful attempts to loosen her grip, he will carry her into +the garden under false pretences and there play the hose on her +until she drowns. + + +{illustration caption = +They are leaving the home of an intimate friend of several weeks' +standing, after having witnessed a Private Theatrical. Both feel +that some return should be made for their hostess's kindness but +neither is certain as to just what form the return should take. +The Book of PERFECT BEHAVIOR would have pointed out to them that +the only adequate and satisfactory revenge for this sort of thing +is to invite the lady, as soon as possible without exciting her +suspicion, to attend an Italian opera or a drawing-room musicale. + + + +IN THE SUBWAY + +The rules governing correct behavior in the underground "subway" +systems of our great cities (particularly the New York subways) +are, however, much more simple and elemental than the etiquette +for surface cars. In the subway, for example, if you are a +married man and living with your wife, or head of a family, i. +e., a person who actually supports one or more persons living in +(or under) his (or her) household on the last day of the +preceding calendar year, provided that such person or persons +shall not on or before July 1 or if July 1 shall fall on a Sunday +then on the day nearest preceding July 1, himself (or themselves) +have filed a separate report as provided in paragraph (g), you +should precede a lady when entering, and follow a lady when +leaving, the train. + + +A HONEYMOON IN A SUBWAY + +On the other hand, a wedding or a "honeymoon" trip in a subway +brings up certain problems of etiquette which are entirely +different from the above. Let us suppose, for example, that the +wedding takes place at high noon in exclusive old "Trinity" +church, New York. The nearest subway is of course the +"Interborough" (West Side) and immediately after the ceremony the +lucky couple can run poste haste to the "Battery" and board a +Lenox Ave. Local. Arriving at romantic Chambers St. they should +change at once to a Bronx Park Express which will speedily whizz +them past 18th St., 23rd St. and 28th St. to the Pennsylvania +Station where they can again transfer, this time to a Broadway +Local. In a jiffy and two winks of an eye they will be at Times +Square, the heart of the "Great White Way" (that Mecca of +pleasure seekers and excitement lovers) where they can either +change to a Broadway Express, journeying under Broadway to +historic Columbia University and Harlem, or they can take the +busy little "shuttle" which will hurry them over to the Grand +Central Station. There they can board the aristocratic East Side +Subway, either "up" or "down" town. The trip "up town" (Lexington +Ave. Express) passes under some of the better class residential +districts, but the journey in the other direction is perhaps more +interesting, including as it does such stops as 14th St., +Brooklyn Bridge, Fulton Street, Wall Street (the financial +center) etc., not to mention a delightful passage under the East +River to Brooklyn, the city of homes and churches. Thus without +getting out of their seats the happy pair can be transported from +one fascinating end of the great city to the other and when they +have exhausted the possibilities of a honeymoon in the +Interborough they can change, with the additional cost of only a +few cents apiece, to the B. R. T. or the Hudson Tubes which will +gladly carry them to a thousand new and interesting places--a +veritable Aladdin's lamp on rails. + + +TRAVELLING UNDER STEAM + +And now we come to that most complex form of travel--the railroad +journey. Let us suppose that instead of attempting to walk to New +York you have elected to go on the "train." On the day of your +departure you should carefully pack your bag or suitcase, taking +care to strap and lock it securely. You can then immediately +unstrap and unlock it in order to put in the tooth paste and +shaving brush which you forgot to bring from the bathroom. + +Arriving at the station promptly on the time scheduled for the +train to depart you will find that because of "daylight saving +time" you have exactly an hour to wait. The time, however, can be +amusingly and economically spent in the station as follows: 11 +weighing machines @.01 = .11; 3 weighing machines @ .05 = .15; 1 +weighing machine (out of order) .09; 17 slot machines (chocolate +and gum) @ .01 = .17. Total cost--.50, unless, of course, you eat +the chocolate. + +Upon the arrival of the train you consult your ticket to find +that you have "lower 9" in car 43. Walking back to the end of the +train and entering car 43 you will find, in berth number 9, a +tired woman and two small children. You will also find a hat box, +a bird cage, a bag of oranges, a bag of orange peelings, a +shoe-box of lunch, a rag doll, a toy balloon, half a "cookie" and +8,000,000 crumbs. The tired woman will then say to you "Are you +the gentleman who has the lower berth?" to which you answer +"Yes." She will then say "Well say--we've got the upper--and I +wonder if you would mind--" "Not at, all," you reply, "I should +be only too glad to give you my lower." This is always done. + +After you have seated yourself and the train has started the +lady's little boy will announce, "I want a drink, Mama." After he +has repeated this eleven times his mother will say to you "I +wonder if you would mind holding the baby while I take Elmer to +get a drink?" + +The etiquette of holding babies is somewhat difficult for +bachelors to master at first as there are no hard and fast rules +governing conduct under these circumstances. An easy "hold" for +beginners and one which is difficult for the ordinary baby to +break consists in wrapping the left and right arms firmly around +the center of the child, at the same time clutching the clothing +with the right hand and the toes with the left and praying to God +that the damn thing won't drop. + +In this particular case, after Elmer and his mother have gone +down the aisle after a drink, the baby which you are holding will +at once begin to cry. Now as every mother knows, and especially +those mothers who have had children, a baby does not cry without +some specific reason and all that is necessary in the present +instance is to discover this reason. First of all, the child may +be merely hungry, in which case you should at once ask the porter +to bring you the a la carte menu. You should then carefully go +over the list of dishes with the infant, taking care to spell out +and explain such names as he may not understand. "How would you +like some nice assorted hors d'oeuvres?" you say. "Waaaaa!" says +the baby. "No hors d'oeuvres," you say to the waiter. "Some blue +points, perhaps--you know, o-y-s-t-e-r-s?" You might even act out +a blue point or two, as in charades, so that the child will +understand what you mean. In case, however, the baby does not +cease crying after having eaten the first three or four courses, +you should not insist on a salad and a dessert, for probably it +is not hunger which is occasioning the outcry. Perhaps it is a +pin, in which case you should at once bend every effort to the +discovery and removal of the irritant. The most generally +accepted modern way of effecting this consists in passing a large +electro-magnet over every portion of the child's anatomy and the +pin (if pin there be) will of course at once come to light. Then, +too, many small children cry merely because they have swallowed +something which does not agree with them, such as, for example, a +gold tooth or a shoe horn; the remedy in this case consists in +IMMEDIATELY feeding the child the proper counter irritant. There +is, really, no great mystery about the successful raising of +children and with a few common sense principles, such as +presented above, any mother may relieve herself of a great deal +of useless anxiety. I hope I may be pardoned for a digression +here, but I feel very strongly that "today's babies are +tomorrow's citizens" and I do want to see them brought up in the +proper way. + +But to return to our train. Perhaps by this time the mother and +Elmer will have returned and you will be relieved of further +investigation as to the cause of the infant's discomfort. A few +minutes later, however, little Elmer will say "Mama, I want the +window open." This request will be duly referred to you via the +line of authority. It is then your duty to assume a firm upright +stance, with the weight evenly distributed on both feet, and work +for twelve minutes and thirty-nine seconds in a terrific struggle +to raise the windows. At the end of twelve minutes and forty +seconds you will succeed, the window will slowly go up, and the +train will at once enter a tunnel, filling the car and you with +coal smoke. In the resulting darkness and confusion you should +seize little Elmer, throw him quickly out of the open window and +make your escape to the gentlemen's smoking compartment in the +rear of your car. + +In the "smoker" you will find three men. The first of these will +be saying "and he told me that a bootlegger he knew had cleaned +up a thousand dollars a week since January." The second will say +"Well down where I come from there's men who never took a drink +before prohibition who get drunk all the time now." The third +will say "Well, I tell you, men--the saloon had to go." + +Provision for satisfying the "inner man" is now a regular part of +the equipment of all modern trains, and about 6:30 or 7 you +should leave your companions in the "smoker" and walk through the +train until you reach the "diner." Here you will seat yourself at +a table with three other gentlemen, the first of whom will be +remarking, as you sit down, "and I know for a fact that this +bootlegger is making over fifty thousand dollars a year." + + +A CORRECT NIGHT IN A PULLMAN + +Before the days of modern railroads one could not very well +travel over night but now, thanks to Mr. Pullman, it is possible +for the traveller to go to bed en route and be every bit as snug +and comfortable as the proverbial insect in a rug. Shortly after +dinner the porter will "make up"the berths in the car and when +you desire to retire for the night you should ask him to bring +you the ladder in order that you may ascend to upper 9. While you +are waiting you should stand in the aisle and remove your coat, +vest and shoes, and then begin to search for your suitcase which +you will finally locate by crawling on your chin and stomach +under berth number 11. When you again resume an upright position +the train will give a sudden lurch, precipitating you into berth +number 12. A woman's voice will then say "Alice?" to which you +should of course answer "No" and climb quickly up the ladder into +your proper berth. + +A great deal of "to do" is often made of the difficulty involved +in undressing in an upper berth but most of this is quite +uncalled for. Experienced travellers now generally wait until the +lights of the car have been dimmed or extinguished when the +disrobing can be done quite simply in five counts, as follows: +One--unloosen all clothing and lie flat on the back. The +respiration should be natural, easy and through the lungs. The +muscles should be relaxed; Two--pivoting on the back of the head +and neck, inhale quickly, at the same time drawing the muscles of +the legs and arms sharply under the body, as for a spring; +Three--spring suddenly upward and to the right (or left), +catching the bell cord (which extends along the roof of the +train) with the teeth, hands and feet; Four--holding firmly to +the cord with the knees, describe a sudden arc downward with the +head and body, returning to position as soon as the shirt and +undershirt have dropped off into the aisle; Five --taking a firm +hold on the cord with the teeth, let go sharply with the knees. +The trousers, etc., should at once slide off, and you can (and, +in fact, should) then swing yourself quickly back into your berth +and pajamas. + +Once inside your "bunk" you should drift quickly off to +slumberland, and when you wake up it will be five minutes later +and the ---- ----engineer will be trying to see what he can do +with an air brake and a few steel sleeping cars. + +In the morning you will be in New York. + + + +CHAPTER FOUR: AT THE CONCERT AND THE OPERA + +In order to listen to music intelligently--or what is really much +more important--in order to give the appearance of listening to +music intelligently, it is necessary for the novice to master +thoroughly two fundamental facts. + +The first, and most important of these, is that the letter "w" in +Russian is pronounced like "v"; the second, that Rachmaninoff has +a daughter at Vassar. + +Not very difficult, surely--but it is remarkable how much +enjoyment one can get out of music by the simple use of these two +formulas. With a little practise in their use, the veriest tyro +can bewilder her escort even though she be herself so musically +uninformed as to think that the celeste is only used in +connection with Aida, or that a minor triad is perhaps a young +wood nymph. + +One other important fundamental is that enthusiasm should never +be expressed for any music written after 1870; by a careful +observance of this rule one will constantly experience that +delightful satisfaction which comes with finding one's opinions +shared by the music critics in the daily press. + + +{illustration caption = +The young lady in the picture has just laid out a perfect drive. +She had, unfortunately, neglected to wait until the gentleman +playing ahead of her had progressed more than fifteen yards down +the fairway, and her ball, traveling at a velocity of 1675 f.s., +has caught the gentleman squarely in the half-pint bottle. What +mistake, if any, is the gentleman making in chasing her off the +course with his niblick, if we assume that she called "Fore!" +when the ball had attained to within three feet of the +gentleman?} + +{illustration caption = +You will exclaim, no doubt, on looking at the scene depicted +above, "Cherchez la femme." It is, however, nothing so serious as +you will pardonably suppose. The gentleman is merely an +inexperienced "gun" at a shooting-party, who has begun following +his bird before it has risen above the head of his loader. This +very clumsy violation of the etiquette of sport proves, beyond +the shadow of a doubt, that he has learned to shoot from the +comic papers, and that his coat-of-arms can never again be looked +upon as anything but bogus.} + + +LISTENING TO A SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA + +The first thing to do on arriving at a symphony concert is to +express the wish that the orchestra will play Beethoven's Fifth. +If your companion then says "Fifth what?" you are safe with him +for the rest of the evening; no metal can touch you. If, however, +he says "So do I"--this is a danger signal and he may require +careful handling. + +The next step is a glance at the program. If your escort is quite +good looking and worth cultivating, the obvious remark is "Oh +dear--not a very interesting program, to-night. But George--LOOK +at what they are playing next Thursday! My, I wish--." If George +shies at this, it can be tried again later--say during an +"appassionato" passage for the violins and cellos. + +As soon as the music starts, all your attention should be +directed toward discovering someone who is making a +noise--whispering or coughing; having once located such a +creature, you should immediately "sh-sh" him. Should he continue +the offence, a severe frown must accompany the next "sh-sh," a +lorgnette --if available--adding great effectiveness to the +rebuke. This will win you the gratitude of your neighbors and +serve to establish your position socially, as well as +musically--for perfect "sh-shers" do not come from the lower +classes. + +At the conclusion of the first number the proper remark is +"hmmm," accompanied by a slow shake of the head. After this you +may use any one of a number of remarks, as for example, "Well, I +suppose Mendelssohn appeals to a great many people," or "That was +meaningless enough to have been written by a Russian." This +latter is to be preferred, for it leads your companion to say, +"But don't you like TschaiKOWsky?", pronouncing the second +syllable as if the composer were a female bull. You can then +reply, "Why, yes, TschaiKOFFsky DID write some rather good +music--although it's all neurotic and obviously Teutonic." Don't +fail to stress the "v." + +The next number on the program will probably be the soloist--say, +a coloratura soprano. Your first remark should be that you don't +really care for the human voice--the reason being, of course, +that symphonic Music, ABSOLUTE music, has spoiled you for things +like vocal gymnastics. This leads your bewildered friend to ask +you what sort of soloist you prefer. + +Ans.--Why, a piano concerto, of course. + +Ques.--And who is your favorite pianist? + +Ans.--Rachmaninoff. And then, before the boy has time to breathe +--SHOOT! "Did you knoow that he has a daughter at Vassar?" + +Although not necessary, it might be well to finish off the poor +fellow at the end of the concert with one or two well placed +depth bombs. My own particular favorite for this is the +following, accompanied by a low sigh: "After all--Beethoven IS +Beethoven." + + +CORRECT BEHAVIOR AT A PIANO RECITAL + +The same procedure is recommended for the piano or violin +recital, with the possible addition of certain phrases such as +"Yes --of course, she has technique--but, my dear, so has an +electric piano." This remark gives you a splendid opportunity for +sarcasm at the expense of Mr. Duo-Art and other manufacturers of +mere mechanical perfection; the word "soul"--pronounced with deep +feeling, as when repeating a fish order to a stupid waiter--may +be introduced effectively several times. + +The program at these recitals is likely to be more complex than +that at a symphony concert. This is a distinct advantage, for it +gives you a splendid opportunity to catch some wretch applauding +before the music is really finished. Nothing is quite comparable +to the satisfaction of smiling knowingly at your neighbors when +this faux pas is committed, unless it be the joy of being the +first to applaud at the REAL conclusion. This latter course, +however, is fraught with danger for the beginner; the chances for +errors in judgment are many, and the only sure way to avoid +anachronistic applause is to play the safe game and refrain +altogether from any expression of approval--a procedure which is +heartily recommended for the musically ignorant, it being also +the practise among the majority of the critics. + + +IN A BOX AT THE OPERA + +The opera differs from the symphony concert, or piano recital, in +the same way that the army drill command of "At Ease!" differs +from "Rest!" When one of these orders (I never could remember +which is given to a battalion in formation, it signifies that +talking is permitted; opera, of course, corresponds to that +command. + +Before the invention of the phonograph it was often necessary for +the opera goer to pay some attention to the performance--at least +while certain favorite arias were being sung; this handicap to +the enjoyment of opera has now fortunately been overcome and one +can devote one's entire attention to other more important things, +safe in one's knowledge that one has Galli-Curci at home on the +Vic. + +In order really to get the most out of an opera a great deal of +study and preparation is required in advance; I have not space at +this time to cover these preliminaries thoroughly, but would +recommend to the earnest student such supplemental information as +can be obtained from Lady Duff-Gordon, or Messrs. Tiffany, Tecla +and Pinaud. + +Upon entering one's box the true opera lover at once assumes a +musical attitude; this should be practised at home, by my lady, +before a mirror until she is absolutely sure that the shoulders +and back can be seen from any part of the house. Then, with the +aid of a pair of strong opera glasses, she may proceed to +scrutinize carefully the occupants of the boxes--noting carefully +any irregular features. Technical phraseology, useful in this +connection, includes "unearthly creature," "stray leopard" or, +simply, "that person." + +Your two magical formulas--the Russian "w" and the sad story +about Rachmaninoff's daughter--may, of course, be held in +reserve--but the chances are that you will be unable to use them, +for during an evening at the opera there will probably be no +mention of music. + + + + +CHAPTER FIVE: ETIQUETTE FOR DRY AGENTS + +SOME BROADER ASPECTS OF PROHIBITION + +In spite of the great pride and joy which we Americans feel over +the success of National Prohibition; in spite of the universal +popularity of the act and the method of its enforcement; in spite +of the fact that it is now almost impossible to obtain in any of +our ex-saloons anything in the least resembling whiskey or +gin,--there still remains the distressing suspicion that quite +possibly, at some of the dinner parties and dances of our more +socially prominent people, liquor--or its equivalent--is openly +being served. Dry agents have, of course, tried on several +occasions to verify this suspicion; their praiseworthy efforts +have met, for the most part, with scant success. + +The main difficulty has been, I believe, that the average dry +agent is too little versed in the customs and manners of polite +society. It is lamentably true that, too often, has a carefully +planned society dry raid been spoiled because the host noticed +that one of his guests was wearing white socks with a black tie, +or that the intruder was using his dessert spoon on the hors +d'oeuvres. + +The solution of this difficulty lies, of course, in the gradual +procuring of a better class of dry agent. There are signs +(though, unfortunately, in the wrong direction) that some of our +younger college generation are already casting envious eyes +toward the rich rewards, the social opportunities and the +exciting life of the professional bootlegger. + +It might be well to interest some of these promising youngsters +in the no less exciting occupation of National Prohibition +Enforcement Officer. At present the chief difficulty seems to lie +in the fact that, in our preparatory schools and colleges, a +young man acquires a certain code of honor which causes him to +look with distaste on what he calls pussyfooting and sneaking. + +People too often forget that, in order to make effective such a +universally beneficent law, any means are justified. It will be, +I hope, only a matter of years before this distrust of the +"sneak" will have died out, and the Dry Agent will come to be +regarded with the reverence and respect due to one who devotes +his life to the altruistic investigation of his neighbor's +affairs. + + +THE COLLEGE GRADUATE AS DRY AGENT + +Then, too, many young college men are deterred from becoming Dry +Agents by thinking of the comparative scantiness of the monetary +rewards. This difficulty is only an imaginary one--for, luckily, +as soon as a man's code of honor has been elevated to the extent +that it permits him to take up a career of pussy-footing there is +generally eliminated at the same time any objection he might have +to what is often called bribery. Thus, by a fortunate combination +of circumstances, a Dry Agent is enabled to serve mankind and, at +the same time, greatly increase his own personal fortune. + +But we cannot wait until our college graduates come to regard +pussyfooting as a career. We must do what we can with the +material at our disposal. We must in some way educate our present +Dry Agents so that they can go to any function in polite society +and remain as inconspicuous and as completely disregarded as the +host. As a first step in such a social training I offer the +following suggestions, in the hope that before long no function +will be complete without the presence of four or five correctly +dressed National Prohibition Enforcement Officers, ready and +eager to arrest the host and hostess and all the guests on the +slightest provocation. + + +PLANNING A DRY RAID ON A MASQUERADE BALL + +Let us suppose, for example, that you are a Dry Agent and that +your name is Isador Eisenberg, and, one day, you and your chief +are sitting around the Dry Agent's Club and he says to you, +"Izzy--I see by the paper that there's a swell society masquerade +ball to be given by the younger married set tomorrow night at the +Glen Cove Country Club. Take your squad to cover it." At this +point you doubtless say, "Chief, I'm afraid I can't use my squad. +My men have been disguised as trained seals all this week, and +tomorrow night, they are to raid all the actresses' dressing +rooms at the Hippodrome" and then the Chief says, "Well, Izzy, +you'll have to rent a costume and pull off the raid all by +yourself." + + +A WORD ABOUT CORRECT COSTUMES + +Your first concern should be, of course, your costume. If you +have a high voice (although really there is no reason for +supposing that all Dry Agents have high voices), you might well +attend the masquerade disguised as a lady. One of the neatest +and, on the whole, most satisfactory of ladies' disguises is that +of Cleopatra. Cleopatra, as you know, was once Queen of Egypt and +the costume is quite simple and attractive. It may be, however, +that you would prefer to appear as a modern) rather than an +ancient queen. A modern Queen (if one may judge from the +illustrated foreign periodicals) always wears a plain suit and +carries a tightly rolled umbrella. Should you care to attend the +masquerade as an allegorical figure--say "2000 Years of +Progress"--you might wear the Cleopatra costume and carry the +umbrella. Or you might go attired as some other less prominent +member of the nobility--for instance, Lady Dartmouth, whose +delightful costume is more or less featured in the advertising on +our better class subways and street cars, and can be obtained at +a comparatively small cost at any reliable dry goods store. + +Should you, however, feel that you would be more at ease in a +male costume, there are several suggestions which might cleverly +conceal your real identity. You might, for example, attend the +ball as Jurgen--a costume which would assure you a pleasurable +evening and many pleasing acquaintances. You might, with equal +satisfaction, go as an Indian. + +It occurs to me that it might even be a clever move to attend the +party dressed as a Dry Agent. All suspicion would be instantly +lost in the uproar of laughter which would greet your +announcement of your disguise; many men would probably so far +enter into the spirit of the joke as to offer you drinks from +their flasks, and much valuable evidence could be obtained in +this way. And the costume is quite easy--simply wear a pleated +soft-bosom dress shirt with your evening dress, and tuck the ends +of your black tie under your collar. + + +{illustration caption = +Packets of old letters, bits of verse, locks of hair, pressed +flowers, inscribed books, photographs, etc., all make acceptable +wedding gifts. By telling you whether they should be presented to +the Bride or to the Groom PERFECT BEHAVIOR has, we feel, settled +the question of future happiness in many a new-made home.} + +{illustration caption = +You are, let us say, one of the Ushers attending the Bachelor +Dinner. You are handed a bottle of Chateau Lafitte '69. Can you +select, from the diagram above, the proper implement to use in +getting at its contents? The correct methods of choosing and +using table hardware are explained in PERFECT BEHAVIOR.} + +{illustration caption = +The young couple in the picture are trying to word a plausible +letter of regret in answer to an invitation to a house-party. Had +they consulted their PERFECT BEHAVIOR they would have known that +there is no plausible excuse for not accepting any invitation +whatever, and that the simplest and most dignified, method is to +write the attached model letter.} + +{illustration caption = +Not realizing his mistake, the Groom stands waiting for the +Bridal Procession, apparently in high spirits and the best of +health. Such an attitude toward a wedding is in the worst +possible taste. PERFECT BEHAVIOR tells all about the correct +appearance and conduct of Bridegrooms.} + +{illustration caption = +The Best Man has just been introduced to the Maid of Honor. +Instead of waiting for her to extend her hand and make the +acknowledgment, he has turned on his heel and bolted from the +room. This constitutes a social blunder, after the commission of +which he could never again, in polite society, be considered +quite a gentleman. PERFECT BEHAVIOR would have told him how the +man of birth and breeding learns to face anything with perfect +"Sang froid."} + +{illustration caption = +The Groom has just presented his Best Man to his sister, who, +though she is more than eager to make every one feel at home, has +failed to make at once the pun "de rigueur" on the words "best +man." An awkward silence has ensued. What is to be done? Should +one of the gentlemen fill the breach by making the pun for her? +If so, which? PERFECT BEHAVIOR covers the whole subject of making +the "best man" pun authoritatively.} + +{illustration caption = +The young man at the right does not know how to drink. +Nevertheless, he has been selected by a friend to act as Best Man +at his wedding and has attended the Bachelor Dinner. Instead of +doing what he should do under the circumstances, he is making +himself conspicuous by remaining coherent while the others sing +"Mademoiselle from Alabam'." Had the Bridegroom provided himself +with a copy of PERFECT BEHAVIOR he would have known better than +to have selected him.} + + +GOOD FORM FOR DRY AGENTS DURING A RAID + +After the costume, you should arrange to obtain a mask and a +breath. The former is, of course, for the purpose of hiding your +identity; the latter is essential at any party where you wish to +remain inconspicuous. A good whisky breath can usually be +obtained from a bottle of any of the better known brands of +Scotch or Rye whisky by holding a small quantity of the liquor in +the mouth for a short period of time. It is not, of course, +necessary to swallow the liquor and in this connection I would +suggest that you use only the best grade whisky, for there are at +present being manufactured for domestic consumption several +brands which, if held in the mouth for a longer interval than, +say, three seconds, are apt to eat away the tongue or dissolve +several of your more important teeth. + +On the night of the party, therefore, having donned your Dry +Agent costume, having put on your mask, having secured a good +breath--you jump into a taxicab and drive to the Glen Cove +Country Club. And, as you enter the door of the club, some girl, +dressed, probably, as Martha Washington, will run up and kiss +you. This is not because she thinks you are George Washington; it +is because she drank that eighth Bronx cocktail at dinner. + +And right at this point is where most Dry Agents have displayed +their ignorance of the usages of polite society, for most of them +are wofully ignorant of the correct way to handle such a +situation. Your average Dry Agent, not being accustomed to the +ways of Younger Marrieds, is often confused upon being +unexpectedly kissed, and in his confusion betrays his unfortunate +lack of social training. + +The correct way to meet the above situation is based on the +fundamental rule of all social etiquette--common sense. Return +the lady's kiss in an easy, natural manner and pass on. If she +follows you, lead her at once to a quiet unoccupied corner of the +club and knock her over the head with a chair or some other +convenient implement. It has been found that this is the only +effective way to deal with this type of woman and it is really +only a kindness to her and her husband to keep her from +embarrassing you with her attentions during the rest of the +evening. + +After you have removed your coat, you should go to the ball room +where you will find the dance in full swing--full being of course +used in its common or alcoholic sense. Take your place in the +stag line and don't, under any circumstances, allow anyone to +induce you to cut in on any of the dancers. In the first place, +you won't be able to dance because Dry Agents, like Englishmen, +never can; secondly, if you TRY to dance, you are taking the +enormous chance, especially at a masquerade, that the man who +introduced you to your partner will disappear for the rest of the +evening, leaving you with Somebody's Albatross hanging around +your neck. And, of all Albatrosses, the married one is perhaps +farthest South--especially if she happens to be a little tight +and wants to talk about her husband and children. + +Your policy, therefore, should be one of complete +non-partisanship. If you do not dance, do not let yourself be +drawn into conversation, and do not, above all things, show any +consideration for the host or hostess. By closely observing the +actions of the men and women about you, by wandering down into +the club bar, by peeking into the automobiles parked outside the +club, you will probably be able to obtain sufficient evidence of +the presence of alcohol to justify a raid. And then, when you +have raided the Glen Cove Country Club, you can turn your +attention to the 12,635,439 other clubs and private houses where +the same thing is going on. And, if Mr. Volstead has a dress +suit, you might take him with you, and show him just how +beautifully Prohibition is working and how enthusiastic the +better classes of American society are about it. + + + +CHAPTER SIX: A CHAPTER FOR SCHOOLGIRLS + +Every Fall a larger number of young girls leave home to come East +to the various Finishing Schools in this section of the country. +For the benefit of those who are making this trip for the first +time, we outline a few of the more important points in connection +with the preliminaries to the trip East, together with minute +instructions as to the journey itself. + + +SELECTING A PROPER SCHOOL + +This is, of course, mainly a parent's problem and is best solved +by resorting to the following formula: Let A and B represent two +young girls' finishing schools in the East. Mrs. Raleigh-Jones +(X), from the West, sends her daughter to A; Mrs. Borax (Y), from +the same city, sends her daughter to B. Upon consulting the local +social register, it is found that Mr. Raleigh-Jones is a member +of the Union, Colonial, Town and Country, and Valley Hunt Clubs; +upon consulting the telephone directory it is found that the +Boraxes live at 1217 S. Main Street, and that Mr. Borax is an +undertaker. Shall Mrs. F. B. Gerald (Z) send her daughter Annette +to A or to B, and why? + +Answer: A, because life is real, life is earnest, and the grave +is not its goal. + + +CORRECT EQUIPMENT FOR THE SCHOOLGIRL + +Having selected an educational institution, the next requisite is +a suitable equipment. Girls who live in other parts of the United +States are often surprised to discover that the clothes which +they have purchased at the best store in their home town are +totally unsuited for the rough climate of the East. I would, +therefore, recommend the following list, subject, of course, to +variation in individual cases. + +1 Dress, chine, crepe de, pink, for dancing. +1 Dress, chine, crepe de, pink, for petting. +1 Dress, Swiss, Dotted, blue, or +1 Dress, Swiss, undotted, white. +15 yards Tulle, best quality, pink. +4 bottles perfume, domestic, or +1 bottle, perfume, French. +12 Dozen Dorine, men's pocket size. +6 Soles, cami, assorted. +1 Brassiere, or riding habit. +100 boxes aspirin, for dances and house-parties. +1 wave, permanent, for conversation. +24 waves, temporary. +10,000 nets, hair. +100,000 pins, hair. +1 bottle Quelques Fleurs, for knockout. + + +EN ROUTE + +After the purchase of a complete outfit, it will be necessary to +say goodbye to one's local friends. Partings are always somewhat +sad, but it will be found that much simple pleasure may be +derived from the last nights with the various boys to whom one is +engaged. + +In this connection, however, it would be well to avoid making any +rash statements regarding undying friendship and affection, +because, when you next see Eddie or Walter, at Christmas time, +you will have been three months in the East, while they have been +at the State University, and really, after one starts dancing +with Yale men--well, it's a funny world. + +In case you do not happen to meet any friends on the train, the +surest way to protect yourself from any unwelcome advances is to +buy a copy of the Atlantic Monthly and carry it, in plain view. +Next to a hare lip, this is the safest protection for a +travelling young girl that I know of; it has, however, the one +objection that all the old ladies on the train are likely to tell +you what they think of Katherine Fullerton Gerould, or their +rheumatism. + +If you are compelled to go to the dining car alone, you will +probably sit beside an Elk with white socks, who will call the +waiter "George." Along about the second course he will say to +you, "It's warm for September, isn't it?" to which you should +answer "No." That will dispose of the Elk. + +Across the table from you will be a Grand Army man and his wife, +going to visit their boy Elmer's wife's folks in Schenectady. +When the fish is served, the Grand Army man will choke on a bone. +Let him choke, but do not be too hopeful, as the chances are that +he will dislodge the bone. All will go well until the dessert, +when his wife will begin telling how raspberry sherbet always +disagrees with her. Offer her your raspberry sherbet. + +After dinner you may wish to read for a while, but the porter +will probably have made up all the berths for the night. It will +also be found that the light in your berth does not work, so you +will be awake for a long time; finally, just as you are leaving +Buffalo, you will at last get to sleep, and when you open your +eyes again, you will be--in Buffalo. + +There will be two more awakenings that night--once at Batavia, +where a merry wedding party with horns and cow bells will follow +the lucky bride and groom into your car, and once at Schenectady, +where the Pullman car shock-absorbing tests are held. The next +morning, tired but unhappy, you will reach New York. + + +A JOURNEY AROUND NEW YORK + +The Aquarium. Take Fifth Avenue Bus to Times Square. Transfer to +42nd Street Crosstown. Get off at 44th Street, and walk one block +south to the Biltmore. The most interesting fish will be found +underneath the hanging clock, near the telephone booths. + +Grant's Tomb. Take Fifth Avenue bus, and a light lunch. Change at +Washington Square to a blue serge or dotted Swiss. Ride to the +end of the line, and walk three blocks east. Then return the same +way you came, followed by three fast sets of tennis, a light +supper and early to bed. If you do not feel better in the +morning, cut out milk, fresh fruit and uncooked foods for a +while. + +Metropolitan Museum of Art. Take Subway to Brooklyn. (Flatbush.) +Then ask the subway guard where to go; he will tell you. + +The Bronx. Take three oranges, a lemon, three of gin, to one of +vermouth, with a dash of bitters. Serve cold. + +The Ritz. Take taxicab and fifty dollars. If you have only fifty +dollars the filet of sole Marguery is very good. + +Brooklyn Bridge. Terrible. And their auction is worse. + +When you have visited all these places, it will probably be time +to take the train to your school. + + +THE FIRST DAYS IN THE NEW SCHOOL + +The first week of school life is apt to be quite discouraging, +and we can not too emphatically warn the young girl not to do +anything rash under the influence of homesickness. It is in this +initial period that many girls, feeling utterly alone and +friendless, write those letters to boys back home which are later +so difficult to pass off with a laugh. It is during this first +attack of homesickness also that many girls, in their loneliness, +recklessly accept the friendship of other strange girls, only to +find out later that their new acquaintance's mother was a Miss +Gundlefinger of Council Bluffs, or that she lives on the south +side of Chicago. We advise: Go slow at first. + + +BECOMING ACCLIMATIZED + +In your first day at school you will be shown your room; in your +room you will find a sad-eyed fat girl. You will be told that +this will be your room mate for the year. You will find that you +have drawn a blank, that she comes from Topeka, Kan., that her +paw made his money in oil, and that she is religious. You will be +nice to her for the first week, because you aren't taking any +chances at the start; you will tolerate her for the rest of the +year, because she will do your lessons for you every night. + +Across the hall from you there will be two older girls who are +back for their second year. One of them will remind you of the +angel painted on the ceiling of the Victory Theatre back home, +until she starts telling about her summer at Narragansett; from +the other you will learn how to inhale. + + +A VISITOR FROM PRINCETON + +About the middle of the first term your cousin Charley Waldron, +that freshman at Princeton, will write and say that he would like +to come up and see you. You go to Miss French and ask her if you +can have your cousin visit you. She sniffs at the "cousin" and +tell's you that she must have a letter from Charley's father, one +from Charley's minister, one from the governor of your state, and +one from some disinterested party certifying that Charley has +never been in the penitentiary, has never committed arson, and is +a legitimate child. After you have secured these letters, Miss +French will tell you that Charley will be allowed to see you next +Saturday from four till five. + +Charley will come and will be ushered into the reception room. +While he is sitting there alone, the entire school will walk +slowly, one by one, past the open door and look in at him. This +will cause Charley to perspire freely and to wish to God he had +worn his dark suit. + +It is not at all likely that you will be allowed to go to New +Haven during your first year, which is quite a pity, as this +city, founded in 1638, is rich in historical interest. It was +here, for example, in 1893, that Yale defeated Harvard at +football, and the historic Pigskin which was used that day is +still preserved intact. Many other quaint relics are to be seen +in and around the city of elms, mementos of the past which bring +to the younger generation a knowledge and respect for things +gone. In the month of June, for example, there is really nothing +which quite conjures up for the college youth of today a sense of +the mutability and impermanence of this mortal life so much as +the sight of a member of the class of 1875 after three days' +intensive drinking. Eheu fugaces! + + +{illustration caption = +"Who shall write first?" is a question that has perplexed many a +lady or gentleman who is anxious to do the correct thing under +any circumstances. A lady who has left town may send a brief note +or a "P. P. C." ("pour prendre conge," i.e., "to take leave") +card to a gentleman who remains at home, if the gentleman is her +husband and if she has left town with his business partner. +Neither the note nor the card requires an acknowledgment, but +many a husband takes pleasure in penning his congratulations to +the lady, concluding with an expression of gratitude to his +friend.} + + + +CHAPTER SEVEN: THE ETIQUETTE OF GAMES AND SPORTS + +GOLF AS A PASTIME + +"Golf" (from an old Scottish word meaning "golf") is becoming +increasingly popular in the United States, and almost every city +now has at least one private club devoted to the pursuit of this +stylish pastime. Indeed, in many of our larger metropolises, the +popular enthusiasm has reached such heights that free "public" +courses have been provided for the citizens with, I may say, +somewhat laughable results, as witness the fact that I myself +have often seen persons playing on these "public" courses in +ordinary shirts and trousers, tennis shoes, and SUSPENDERS. + +The influence of this "democratization" on the etiquette of what +was once an exclusive sport has been, in many instances, +deplorable, and I am sure that our golf-playing forefathers would +turn over in their graves were they to "play around" today on one +of the "public" courses. In no pastime are the customs and +unwritten laws more clearly defined, and it is essential that the +young lady or gentleman of fashion who contemplates an afternoon +on the "links" devote considerable time and attention to the +various niceties of the etiquette of this ancient and honorable +game. + +A young man, for example, when playing with his employer, should +always take pains to let his employer win. This is sometimes +extremely difficult, but with practice even the most stubborn of +obstacles can be overcome. On the first tee, for instance, after +the employer, having swung and missed the ball completely one or +two times, has managed to drive a distance of some forty-nine +yards to the extreme right, the young man should take care to +miss the ball completely THREE times, and then drive forty-eight +yards to the extreme left. This is generally done by closing the +eyes tightly and rising up sharply on both toes just before +hitting the ball. + +On the "greens" it is customary for a young man to "concede" his +employer every "putt" which is within twenty feet of the hole. If +the employer insists on "putting" [Ed. note:--He won't] and +misses, the young man should take care to miss his own "putt." +After both have "holed out," the young man should ask, "how many +strokes, sir?" The employer will reply, "Let me see--I think I +took seven for this hole, didn't I?" A well-bred young man will +not under any circumstances remind his employer that he saw him +use at least three strokes for the drive, three strokes for his +second shot, four strokes in the "rough," seven strokes in the +"bunker," and three "putts" on the "green," but will at once +reply, "No, sir, I think you only took six, altogether." The +employer will then say, "Well, well, call it six. I generally get +five on this hole. What did you take?" The young man should then +laugh cheerily and reply, "Oh, I took my customary seven." To +which the employer will sympathetically say, "Too bad!" + +After the employer has thus won his first three holes he will +begin to offer the young man advice on how to improve his game. +This is perhaps the most trying part of the afternoon's sport, +but a young man of correct breeding and good taste will always +remember the respect due an older man, and will not make the +vulgar error of telling his employer for God's sake shut up +before he gets a brassie in his ---- ---- ear. + +A wife playing with her husband should do everything in her power +to make the game enjoyable for the latter. She should encourage +him, when possible, with little cheering proverbs, such as, "If +at first you don't succeed, try, try again," and she should aid +him with her advice when she thinks he is in need of it. Thus, +when he drives into the sycamore tree on number eleven, she +should say, "Don't you think, dear, that if you aimed a little +bit more to the right. . . ." et cetera. When they come to number +fourteen, and his second shot lands in the middle of the lake, +she should remark, "Perhaps you didn't hit it hard enough, dear." +And when, on the eighteenth, his approach goes through the +second-story window of the club-house, she should say, "Dear, I +wonder if you didn't hit that too hard?" Such a wife is a true +helpmate, and not merely a pretty ornament on which a silly +husband can hang expensive clothes, and if he is the right sort +of man, he will appreciate this, and refrain from striking her +with a niblick after this last remark. + +A young wife who does not play the game herself can, +nevertheless, be of great help to her husband by listening +patiently, night after night, while he tells her how he drove the +green on number three, and took a four on number eight (Par +five), and came up to the fourteenth one under fours. Caddies +should be treated at all times with the respect and pity due +one's fellow creatures who are "unfortunate." The sins of the +fathers are visited upon the children, and one should always +remember that it is not, after all, the poor caddy's fault that +he was born blind. + + +AN AFTERNOON AT THE OLD FARM WITH THE DICE + +"Craps" is a game played with dice, which is often popular in the +men's coat and smoking-rooms before and during formal receptions, +balls, recitals, etcetera. It should not be imagined, however, +that "craps" is a sport for men only; on the contrary, smart +women are enthusiastically taking up this sport in numerous +localities, and many an affair which started as a dinner party or +a musicale has ended in a crap game, with all the guests seated +in an excited circle on the floor, contributing to the host's +efforts to make expenses for the evening. + +It is in connection with these "mixed" games, however, that most +of the more serious questions of "craps" etiquette arise. If, for +example, you are a young man desirous of "shooting craps" with +your grandmother, the correct way of indicating your desire when +you meet the old lady in a public place is for you to remove your +hat deferentially and say "Shoot a nickel, Grandmother?" If she +wishes to play she will reply "Shoot, boy!" and you should then +select some spot suitable for the game and assist her, if she +wishes your aid, to kneel on the ground. It might be an added +mark of gentility to offer her your handkerchief or coat upon +which to rest her knees. + +You should then take out the dice and "shoot." Your grandmother +will look at your "throw" and say, "Oh, boy! He fives--he +fives--a three and a two--never make a five--come on, you baby +seven!" You should then take up the dice again and shake them in +your right hand while your grandmother chants, "A four and a +three--a four and a two--dicety dice, and an old black joe--come +on, you SEVEN!" You should then again "shoot." This time, as you +have thrown a six and a one, your grandmother will then exclaim, +"He sevens--the boy sevens--come on to grandmother, dice--talk to +the nice old lady--Phoebe for grandma, dice, for grandpa needs a +new pair of shoes--shoot a dime!" + +She will then "throw," and so the game will go on until the old +lady evidences a desire to stop, or, possibly, until either you +or she are "cleaned out." In this latter case, however, it would +be a customary act of courtesy towards an older person for you to +offer to shoot your grandmother for her shawl or her side combs, +thus giving her several more chances to win back the money she +has lost. It should be recommended that young men never make a +mistake in going a little out of their way on occasion to make +life more pleasant and agreeable for the aged. + + +CORRECT BEHAVIOR ON A PICNIC + +There often comes a time in the life of the members of "society" +when they grow a little weary of the ceaseless round of teas, +balls and dinners, and for such I would not hesitate to recommend +a "picnic." + +A day spent in the "open," with the blue sky over one's head, is +indeed a splendid tonic for jaded nerves. But one should not make +the mistake of thinking that because he (or she) is "roughing it" +for a day, he (or she) can therefore leave behind his (or her) +"manners," for such is not the case. There is a distinct +etiquette for picnics, and any one who disregards this fact is +apt to find to his (or her) sorrow that the "shoe" in this case +is decidedly "on the other foot." + +A young man, for example, is often asked by a young lady to +accompany her on a "family picnic." To this invitation he should, +after some consideration,, reply either "Yes" or "No," and if the +former, he should present himself at the young lady's house +promptly on the day set for the affair (usually Sunday). + +A "family picnic" generally consists of a Buick, a father, a +mother, a daughter, a small son, beef loaf, lettuce sandwiches, a +young man (you), two blow-outs, one spare tire, and Aunt +Florence. + +The father drives with his small boy beside him; in the rear are +the mother, the daughter, Aunt Florence, the thermos bottles, the +lunch baskets and you. As you take your seat you must remember +that it is a distinct evidence of bad breeding to show in any way +that you are conscious of the fact that the car has been standing +for the last hour and forty-four minutes in the hot July sun. + +"We're off!" cries father, pressing his foot on the self-starting +pedal. Thirty minutes later you roll away from the curb and the +picnic has begun. The intervening time has, of course, been +profitably spent by you in walking to the nearest garage for two +new sparkplugs. + +It should be your duty, as guest, to see that the conversation in +the rear seat is not allowed to lag. "It's a great day," you +remark, as the car speeds along. "I think it's going to rain," +replies Aunt Florence. "Not too fast, Will!" says mother. +"Mother!" says the daughter. + +Ten minutes later you should again remark, "My, what a wonderful +day!" "Those clouds are gathering in the west," says Aunt +Florence, "I think we had better put the top up." "I think this +is the wrong road," says mother. + +"Dear, I know what I'm doing," replies father. + +The secret of good conversation lies in discovering the "hobby" +of the person with whom one is conversing, and a good talker +always throws out several "feelers" in order to find out the +things in which his partner is most interested. You should, +therefore, next say to mother, "Don't you think this is a +glorious day for a picnic?" to which she will reply, "Well, I'm +sure this is the wrong road. Hadn't you better ask?" The husband +will answer nothing, but Aunt Florence will murmur, "I think I +felt a drop of rain, Will. If you don't put the top up now, we'll +all be drenched." + +The husband will then stop the car, and you and he will proceed +to put up the top. In doing this, it is customary for the guest +to get the second and third fingers of his right hand so severely +pinched that he can not use the hand for several days. As soon as +the top is up and the rain curtains are in place the sun will +come out and you can at once get out and put the top down, taking +care this time to ruin two fingers of the LEFT hand. + +No good conversationalist confines himself exclusively to one +subject, and when you are once more "under way" you should remark +to the mother, "I think that motoring is great fun, don't you, +Mrs. Caldwell?" Her answer will be, "I wish you wouldn't drive so +fast!" You should then smile and say to Aunt Florence, "Don't YOU +think that motoring is great fun, Mrs. Lockwood?" As she is about +to reply, the left rear tire will blow out with a loud noise and +the car will come to a bumping stop. + +The etiquette of changing a tire is fairly simple. As soon as the +"puncture" occurs one should at once remark, "Is there anything I +can do?" This request should be repeated from time to time, +always taking care, however, that no one takes it at all +seriously. The real duty of a young man who is a "guest" on a +motor trip on which a "blow-out" occurs is, of course, to keep +the ladies of the party amused during the delay. This can be +accomplished by any of the conventional methods, such as card +tricks, handsprings, and other feats of athletic agility, or +making funny jokes about the host who is at work on the tire. + +When the damage has been repaired and the car is once more +speeding along, leaving behind it mile after mile of dusty road +as well as father's best "jack" and set of tire tools, the small +boy will suddenly remark, "I'm hungry." His father will then +reply, "We'll be at a fine place to eat in ten minutes." Thirty +minutes later mother will remark, "Will, that looks like a good +place for a picnic over there." The father will reply, "No--we're +coming to a wonderful place--just trust me, Mary!" Twenty minutes +later Aunt Florence will say, "Will, I think that grove over +there would be fine for our lunch," to which the husband will +reply, "We're almost at the place I know about--it's ideal for a +picnic." Forty minutes after this, father will stop the car and +point to a clump of trees. "There," he will say, "what do you +think of that?" "Oh, we can't eat THERE!" will be the answer of +mother, daughter and Aunt Florence. "Drive on a bit further--I +think I know a place." + +Three hours and thirty minutes later (i. e. four hours past your +normal lunch hour) there will be another puncture and as the car +stops beside a wheat field it will begin to rain, and the +daughter will sigh, "Well, we might as well eat here." The +"picnic" will then be held in the car, and nothing really quite +carries one back to nature and primeval man as does warm lemonade +and a lettuce sandwich in a Buick with the top up and side +curtains on. + +After lunch it will be time to return home, and after you and +father have ruined your clothes in repairing the punctures, the +merry party will proceed on its way. The next morning, if you +have not caught pneumonia, you will be able to go to your work +greatly refreshed by your day's outing in the lap of old Mother +Nature. + + +{illustration caption = +Nowhere is the etiquette of travel more abused than our subways. +The gentleman shown above is en route to his fiancee's flat in +the Bronx. He has neglected to purchase the customary bouquet for +his intended and has offered his seat to the lady, who is +standing, in exchange for her corsage bouquet. Should she accept +the proposition without further ado, or should she request the +guard to introduce the gentleman first?} + + +{illustration caption = +The young lady has received an invitation to a quilting-bee from +a Mrs. Steenwyck and, anxious to make a correct reply, she has +bought a Complete Letter Writer to aid her to this end. To her +surprise and dismay, she finds that it contains three model +replies to such an invitation beginning "Dear Mrs. Peartree," +"Dear Mrs. Rombouts," and "Dear Mrs. Bevy," and one invitation to +a christening beginning, "Dear Mrs. Steenwyck," but no reply to +an invitation to a quilting-bee beginning "Dear Mrs. Steenwyck." +PERFECT BEHAVIOR settles such perplexities.} + +{illustration caption = +Crests or other armorial bearings on notepaper are no longer +considered absolutely necessary to establish one's social +position. Nevertheless, if one feels that note-paper that does +not bear the family escutcheon is not quite all that note-paper +should be, it is permissible to have it stamped neatly at the top +of the first sheet. Care should be exercised to avoid selecting +coats-of-arms that might be recognized, such as that of the +United States or Great Britain. Rather solicit the taste of a +good stationer than commit the blunders depicted above.} + + + +BOXING IN AMERICAN SOCIETY + +Although many of America's foremost boxers have been persons whom +one would not care to know socially, yet much fun and pleasure +can be had out of the "manly art" if practised in a gentlemanly +manner. + +"Boxing parties" are generally held in the evening. The ballroom +of one's home can be pleasantly decorated for the occasion, with +a square ring roped off in the centre surrounded by seats for the +ladies and gentlemen who come as invited guests. Evening dress is +usually worn. + +The contests should be between various members of one's social +"set" who are fond of the sport and can be counted on to remember +at all times that they are gentlemen. + +The matches should be arranged in tournament form, so that the +winner of one bout meets the winner of the next bout, et cetera, +until all but two have been eliminated. The boxer who wins this +final contest shall be proclaimed the "champion." + +Great fun can then be had by announcing that the "champion" will +be permitted to box three rounds with a "masked marvel." The +identity of this "unknown" (who is usually Jack Dempsey or some +other noted professional pugilist) should be kept carefully +secret, so that all the guests are in a glow of mystified +excitement when the contest begins, and you can imagine their +delight and happy enthusiasm when the "masked marvel" cleverly +knocks the "champion" for a double loop through the ropes into +the lap of some tittering "dowager." + +Refreshments should then be served and the "champion" can be +carried home in a car or ambulance provided by the thoughtful +host. + + +BRIDGE WHIST + +"Bridge whist," or "Bridge," as it is often called by the younger +generation, is rapidly replacing whist as the favorite card game +of good society, and "bridge" parties are much en vogue for both +afternoon and evening entertainments. In order to become an +expert "bridge" player one must, of course, spend many months and +even years in a study of the game, but any gentleman or lady of +average intelligence can, I believe, pick up the fundamentals of +"bridge" in a short while. + +Let us suppose, for example, that you, as a "young man about +town," are invited to play "bridge" on the evening of Friday, +November seventeenth, at the home of Mrs. Franklin Gregory. Now, +although you may have played the game only once or twice in your +life, it would never do to admit the fact, for in good society +one is supposed to play "bridge" just as one is supposed to hate +newspaper publicity, and on the evening of Friday, November +seventeenth, you should present yourself in suitable attire at +Mrs. Gregory's home. + +There you will find fifteen or twenty other guests, and after a +few minutes of light social banter a bell will ring and the +players will take their places. At your table will be Mrs. F. +Jamison Dollings (your partner) and Mr. and Mrs. Theodore Watts. +Mrs. Dollings (Sept. 6, 1880) is considered one of the most +expert "bridge" players in the city, while Mr. Watts has one of +the largest retail clothing stores in the central part of the +State. Mrs. Watts was one of the Van Cortlandt girls (the plain +one). + +As you are probably (next to Mr. and Mrs. Watts) the worst +"bridge" player in the room it should be your duty to make up for +this deficiency by keeping the other three players +conversationally stimulated, for nothing so enlivens a game of +"bridge" as a young man or woman with a pleasing personality and +a gift for "small talk." Thus, at the very beginning, after you +have finished dealing the cards, you should fill in what seems to +you an embarrassing pause by telling one of your cleverest +stories, at the conclusion of which Mrs. Dollings will remark, +"We are waiting for your bid, Mr. S----." + +The etiquette of "bidding," as far as you are concerned, should +resolve itself into a consistent effort on your part to become +"dummy" for each and every game. The minute your partner (Mrs. +Dollings) bids anything, it should be your duty as a gentleman to +see that she gets it, no matter what the cost. + +Thus, on the first hand, you "pass." Mr. Watts then says, "Wait a +minute, till I get these cards fixed"; to which Mrs. Watts +replies, "Theodore, for Heaven's sake, how long do you want?" Mr. +Watts then says, "Which is higher--clubs or hearts?" to which +Mrs. Watts replies, "Clubs." Mrs. Dollings then says, "I beg your +pardon, but hearts have always been considered higher than +clubs." Mrs. Watts says, "Oh, yes, of course," and gives Mr. +Watts a mean look. Mr. Watts then says, "I bid--let's see--I bid +two spades --no, two diamonds." Mrs. Dollings quickly says, "Two +lilies," Mr. Watts says, "What's a lily?" to which Mrs. Watts +replies, "Theodore!" and then bids "Two spades," at which Mrs. +Dollings says, "I beg your pardon, but I have just bid two +spades." Mr. Watts then chuckles, and Mrs. Watts says (but not to +Mr. Watts), "I beg your pardon." Mrs. Watts then bids "Three +spades," at which you quickly say, "Four spades." + +This bid is not "raised." Mrs. Dollings then says to you, "I am +counting on your spades to help me out," at which you look at the +only spade in your hand (the three) and answer, "Ha! Ha! Ha!" +There is then a wait of four minutes, at the end of which Mrs. +Dollings wearily says, "It is your first lead, is it not, Mrs. +Watts?" Mrs. Watts then blushes, says, "Oh, I beg your pardon!" +and leads the four of hearts. You then lay down your "dummy" +hand. Before Mrs. Dollings has had time to discover just what you +have done to her, you should rise quickly and say, "Excuse me, +but I want to use the telephone a minute." You should then go +into the next room and wait ten or fifteen minutes. When you +return Mrs. Dollings will have disappeared, Mrs. Watts will be +looking fixedly at Mr. Watts, and Mr. Watts will be saying, +"Well, it's a silly game, anyway." + +You and Mr. and Mrs. Watts can then have a nice game of +twenty-five cent limit stud poker for the rest of the evening, +and it would certainly be considered a thoughtful and gracious +"gesture" if, during the next two or three weeks, you should call +occasionally at the hospital to see how Mrs. Dollings is "getting +on," or you might even send some flowers or a nice potted plant. + + +FORMAL AND INFORMAL DRINKING + +"Drinking" has, of course, always been a popular sport among the +members of the better classes of society, but never has the +enthusiasm for this pastime been so great in America as since the +advent of "prohibition." Gentlemen and ladies who never before +cared much for "drinking" have now given up almost all other +amusements in favor of this fascinating sport; young men and +debutantes have become, in the last few years, fully as expert in +the game as their parents. In many cities "drinking" has become +more popular than "bridge" or dancing and it is predicted that, +with a few more years of "prohibition," "drinking" will supersede +golf and baseball as the great American pastime. + +The effect of this has been to change radically many of the +fundamental rules of the sport, and the influence on the +etiquette of the game has been no less marked. What was +considered "good form" in this pastime among our forefathers now +decidedly demode, and the correct drinker of 1910 is as obsolete +and out of date in the present decade as the "frock-coat." + +The game today is divided into (a) formal and (b) informal +drinking. "Formal drinking" is usually played after dinner and is +more and more coming to take the place of charades, +sleight-of-hand performances, magic lantern shows, "dumb crambo," +et cetera, as the parlor amusement par excellence. "Formal +drinking" can be played by from one to fifteen people in a house +of ordinary dimensions; for a larger number it is generally +better to provide a garage, a large yard, and special police, +fire and plate glass insurance. The game is played with glasses, +ice, and a dozen bottles of either whisky or gin. + +The sport is begun by the host's wife, who says, "How would you +all like to play a little bridge?" This is followed by silence. +Another wife then says, "I think it would be awfully nice to play +a little bridge." One of the men players then steps forward and +says "I think it would be awfully nice to have a little drink." + +An "It" is then selected--always, by courtesy, the host. The "It" +then says, "How would you all like to have a little drink?" The +men players then answer in the affirmative and the "It's" wife +says, "Now Henry dear, please--remember what happened last time." +The "It" replies, "Yes, dear," and goes into the cellar, while +the "It's" wife, after providing each guest with a glass, puts +away the Dresden china clock, the porcelain parrot. and the gold +fish globe. + +Sides are chosen--usually with the husbands on one "team" and the +wives on the other. The purpose of the game is for the +"husbands', team" to try to drink up all the "It's" liquor before +the "wives' team" can get them to go home. + +When the "It" returns with the liquor he pours out a portion for +each player and at a given signal all drink steadily for several +minutes. The "It's" wife then says, "Now--how about a few rubbers +of bridge?" She is immediately elected "team captain" for the +rest of the evening. It is the duty of the "team captain" to +provide cracked ice and water, to get ready the two spare +bedrooms, to hold Wallie Spencer's hand, to keep Eddie Armstrong +from putting his lighted cigaret ends on the piano, and to break +up the party as soon as possible. The game generally ends when +(1) the liquor is all gone, (2) the "It" (or three guests) have +passed "out," (3) Wallie Spencer starts telling about his war +experiences. "Informal" drinking needs, of course, no such +elaborate preparations and can be played anywhere and any time +there is anything to drink. The person who is caught with the +liquor is "It," and the object of the game is to take all the +liquor away from the "It" as soon as possible. In order to avoid +being "It," many players sometimes resort to various low +subterfuges, such as sneaking down alone to the club locker-room +during a dance, but this practise is generally looked upon with +great disfavor--especially by that increasingly large group of +citizens who are unselfishly devoting their lives to the cause of +a "dry America" by consuming all of the present rapidly +diminishing visible supply. + + +A JOLLY HALLOWE'EN PARTY + +The problem of providing suitable entertainment for one's +informal parties is something which has perplexed many a host and +hostess in recent years. How often has it happened that just when +you had gotten your guests nicely seated around the parlor +listening to the Caruso record, some ill-mannered fellow would +remark, "Oh, Lord--let's go over to the Tom Phillips' and get +something to drink." How many times in the past have you prepared +original little "get-together" games, such as Carol Kennicott did +in Main Street, only to find that, when you again turned the +lights on, half the company had disappeared for the evening. + +Of course we cannot all be as startlingly clever as Carol, but +Hallowe'en, which comes this year on October 31st, offers a +splendid opportunity for originality and "peppy" fun. The +following suggestions are presented to ambitious hostesses with +the absolute guaranty that no matter what other reactions her +guests may have, they will certainly not be bored. + + +{illustration caption = +Few people realize the value of picture post-cards as indicators +of the birth, breeding, and character of the sender, yet nothing +so definitely "places" a person socially as his choice of these +souvenirs. Could you have selected the senders of the above +cards?} + +{illustration caption = +In spite of his haughty airs and fine clothes, the gentleman +betrays that he is not much accustomed to good society when, +having been asked by his hostess if he would care to remove his +coat and waistcoat during the warm evening of bridge, he, in +doing so, reveals the presence of several useful cards hidden +about his person. This sort of thing, while often tolerated at +less formal "stag" poker-parties, is seldom, ever, permissible +when ladies are present. The young man was simply ignorant of the +fact that Hoyle and not Herman the Great is the generally +accepted authority on cards in the "beau monde."} + + + +INVITATIONS + +The whole spirit of Hallowe'en is, of course, one of "spooky" +gayety and light-hearted ghastliness. Witches and ghosts run +riot; corpses dance and black cats howl. "More work for the +undertaker" should be the leitmotif of the evening's fun. + +The moribund spirit can be delightfully observed, first of all, +in the preparation of the invitations. I know of one hostess, for +instance, who gained a great reputation for originality by +enclosing a dead fish with each bidding to the evening's +gayeties. It is, of course, not at all necessary to follow her +example to the letter; the enclosure of anything dead will +suffice, providing, of course, that it is not TOO dead. There is +such a thing as carrying a joke beyond the limits of propriety, +and the canons of good taste should always be respectfully +observed. + +Another amusing way of preparing invitations is to cut out +colored paper in the shape of cats, witches, etc., upon which +appropriate verses are inscribed. Such as: + + "Next Monday night is Hallowe'en, + You big stiff." + or + "On Monday next comes All-Hallows-Even, + My grandmother's maiden name was Stephens." + or + "On Hallowe'en you may see a witch + If you don't look out, you funny fellow." + or + "Harry and I are giving a Hallowe'en party; + Harry says you owe him four dollars; please be + prompt.)) + or + "Monday night the ghosts do dance; + Why didn't you enlist and go to France, + You slacker?" + + +Another novel invitation is made by cutting a piece of yellow +paper thirteen inches long and four inches wide, and writing on +each inch one of the lines given below. Then begin at the bottom +and fold the paper up, inch by inch. Fasten the last turn down +with a "spooky" gummed sticker, and slip into a small envelope. +When the recipient unfolds the invitation, he will be surprised +to read the following: + + Now what on earth + do you suppose + is in this + little folder + keep turning + ha ha ha + further + ha ha ha + further + ha ha ha, + further + ha ha ha + further + + +It would perhaps be best to telephone the next day to those +guests whom you really want, and give them further details as to +the date and time of the party. Additional fun can be gotten out +of this invitation by failing to put postage stamps on the +envelopes when you mail them; the two cents which each guest will +have to pay for postage due can be returned in a novel manner on +the night of the party by inserting them in sandwiches or stuffed +tomatoes. + +For those who may wish to send out more elaborate invitations, +the following distinctly original plan is suggested: Procure a +number of small alarm clocks and a quantity of nitroglycerine or +other high explosive. Insert in each clock a small amount of the +nitroglycerine, being careful not to put too much; a quantity +sufficient to wreck a room 20 X 30 Will generally suffice. Then +arrange the alarm mechanism so that the explosion will occur at +12 midnight. Attach to the clock a card, neatly decorated with +witches, goblins, etc., on which is written + + "Midnight is the mystic hour + Of yawning graves and coffins dour. + Beneath your bed this clock please hide + And when it strikes---you'll be surprised." + + +These clocks should then be delivered in the afternoon to those +of the guests whom you are merely inviting because they are your +husband's business associates, or because they were nice to your +mother when she did her own work. Later on, in order to avoid +hard feelings on the part of relatives and friends of the +deceased, it might be well to explain to them that you sent the +clocks only in the spirit of Hallowe'en fun; it might even help +to invite them to one of your next parties. + + +RECEIVING THE GUESTS + +On Hallowe'en night great care should be taken in the +preparations for receiving the guests in a mystic manner; no +pains should be spared in the effort to start the evening off +with a "bang." + +Several novel ideas are offered for starting the guests off on +the right informal spirit. Before they arrive, it is a good plan +to take the street number off your house and fasten it to the +porch of your next door neighbors, who will, of course, be at +home because they are perfectly impossible people whom no one +would invite anywhere. Extinguish all the lights in your own +house; your neighbor, as he comes downstairs twenty-five or +thirty times in the next hour, will obligingly tell your +bewildered friends specifically where to go. + +When the guest finally learns from the neighborhood policeman +which house on the block is really yours he will discover on your +door a sign reading: + + "If you would be my Valentine, + Follow please the bright green line." + + +Leading from the door is a green cord which the mystified guest +proceeds to follow, according to directions. This cord should +guide the way to the coal cellar of your other neighbor who has +recently purchased an automatic revolver under the delusion that +burglars are operating in the neighborhood. As your bewildered +guest gropes his way about the cellar, it is quite likely that he +will be shot at several times and by the time he emerges (if he +does emerge) he will be quite delightfully full of the informal +spirit of Hallowe'en and ready for anything. + + +HOW TO MYSTIFY + +At this point, your wife, dressed as a witch, should unexpectedly +rush out at him; there is always the delightful possibility that +he will pick up a convenient rock and brain her on the spot--an +event which often adds an unexpected touch of gayety to the +evening's fun. If, however, no such event occurs, the guest +should be blindfolded and led into the house. Once inside he is +conducted upstairs to the attic, where he will find three or four +earlier arrivals also blindfolded. + +The hands and feet of these four are then securely tied and they +are told that they are to be left there all evening. This is +really a great joke, because they do not, of course, at the time, +believe what you say, and when you come up to untie them the next +morning, their shame-faced discomposure is truly laughable. + +The green-cord-into-neighbor's-coal-cellar joke can be cleverly +varied by taking the lid off your cistern and making the green +line lead in that direction. Great care should be taken, however, +to keep an exact account of the number of guests who succumb to +this trick, for although an unexpected "ducking" is +excruciatingly humorous, drowning often results fatally. + +Great fun can be added to the evening's entertainment by dressing +several of the guests as ghosts, witches, corpses, etc; these +costumes can be quite simply and economically made in the home, +or can be procured from some reliable department store. + +An "old-fashioned" witch's costume consists of a union suit +(Munsing or any other standard brand), corset, brassiere, +chemise, underpetticoat, overpetticoat, long black skirt, long +black stockings, shoes, black waist and shawl, with a pointed +witch's hat and a broomstick. The "modern" witch's costume is +much simpler and inexpensive in many details. + +A particularly novel and "hair raising" effect may be produced by +painting the entire body of one of the male guests with +phosphorus. As this glowing nude stalks uncannily through the +darkened rooms you may easily imagine the ghastly +effect--especially upon his wife. + + +GAMES + +After the guests have sufficiently amused themselves with the +ghosts and witches it will be time to commence some of the many +games which are always associated with Hallowe'en. "Bobbing for +apples" is, of course, the most common of these games and great +sport it is, too, to watch the awkward efforts of the guests as +they try to pick up with their teeth the apples floating in a +large tub. I know of one hostess who added greatly to the +evening's fun by pouring twelve quarts of gin into the tub; the +effect on the bobbers was, of course, extremely comical, except +for the unfortunate conduct of two gentlemen, one of whom went to +sleep in the tub, the other so far forgetting himself as +playfully to throw all the floating fruit at the hostess' pet +Pomeranian. + +Most Hallowe'en games concern themselves with delving into the +future in the hopes that one may there discover one's husband or +bride-to-be. In one of these games the men stand at one end of +the room, facing the girls, with their hands behind their backs +and eyes tightly closed. The girls are blindfolded and one by one +they are led to within six feet of the expectant men and given a +soft pin cushion which they hurl forward. The tradition is that +whichever man the girl hits, him will she marry. Great fun can be +added to the game by occasionally substituting a rock or iron +dumb-bell in place of the romantic pin cushion. + +Another game based on a delightful old Hallowe'en tradition is as +follows: A girl is given a lighted candle and told to walk +upstairs into the room at the end of the hall where, by looking +in a mirror, she will see her future husband. Have it arranged so +that you are concealed alone in the room. When the girl arrives, +look over her shoulder into the mirror. She had better go +downstairs after ten minutes, though, so that another girl can +come up. This tradition dates from before William the Conqueror. + +No Hallowe'en is complete, of course, without fortune telling. +Dress yourself as a wizard and have the guests led in one by one +to hear their fortune told. Hanging in front of you should be a +caldron, from which you extract the slip of paper containing the +particular fortune. These slips of paper should be prepared +beforehand. The following are suggested: + +"You will meet a well dressed, good looking man who understands +you better than your husband. How about Thursday at the Plaza?" + +"You are about to receive a shipment of Scotch whisky that you +ordered last month. And it's about time you kicked across with +some of your own." + +"You will have much trouble in your life if you lie about your +golf score as you did last Sunday on Number 12." + +Still another pleasing Hallowe'en game, based on the revelation +of one's matrimonial future, is played as follows: Seven lighted +candles are placed in a row on a table. The men are then +blindfolded, whirled around three times and commanded to blow out +the candles. The number extinguished at a blow tells the number +of years before they meet their bride. This game only grows +interesting, of course, when some old goat with long whiskers can +be induced to take a blind shot at blowing out the candles. Have +Pyrene convenient--but not too convenient to spoil the fun. + +For the older members of the party, the host should provide +various games of cards and dice. In keeping with the ghastly +spirit of the occasion, it would be well to have the dice +carefully loaded. Many hosts have thus been able to make all +expenses and often a handsome profit out of the evening's +entertainment. + +If the crap game goes particularly well, many hosts do not +hesitate to provide elaborate refreshments for the guests. Here, +too, the spirit of fun and jollity should prevail, and great +merriment is always provoked by the ludicrous expression of the +guest who has broken two teeth on the cast-iron olive. Other +delightful surprises should be arranged, and a little Sloan's +liniment in the punch or ground glass in the ice cream will go a +long way toward making the supper amusing. And finally, when the +guests are ready to depart and just before they discover that you +have cut cute little black cats and witches out of the backs of +their evening wraps and over coats, it would perhaps be well to +run up stairs and lock yourself securely in your room. + + + + +CHAPTER EIGHT: CORRESPONDENCE AND INVITATIONS + +CORRESPONDENCE + +It is narrated of a well-known English lady (who is noted on the +other side of the Atlantic for the sharpness of her wit) that on +one occasion, when a vainglorious American was boasting of his +country's prowess in digging the Panama Canal, she calmly waited +until he had finished and then replied, with an indescribable +smile, "Ah--but you Americans do not know how to write letters." +Needless to say the discomfited young man took himself off at the +earliest opportunity. + +There is much truth, alas, in the English lady's clever retort, +for the automatic typewriter, the telegraph, and the penny postal +card have done much to cause a gradual decline in the gentle art +of correspondence. As one American woman recently remarked to a +visitor (with more wit, however, than good taste), "Yes, we do +have correspondents here --but they are all in the divorce +courts." + + +CORRESPONDENCE FOR YOUNG LADIES + +There are certain rules in regard to correct letter-writing which +must be followed by all who would "take their pen in hand." Young +people are the most apt to offend in this respect against the +accepted canons of good taste and it is to these that I would +first address the contents of this chapter. A young girl often +lets her high spirits run away with her amour propre, with the +result that her letters, especially those addressed to strangers, +are often lacking in that dignity which is the sine qua non of +correct correspondence. + +Consider, for example, the following two letters composed by Miss +Florence ......, a debutante of New York City, who is writing to +a taxidermist thanking him for his neat work in having recently +stuffed her deceased pet Alice. The first of these letters +illustrates the evil to which I have just referred, viz., the +complete absence of proper dignity. The second, written with the +aid of her mama, whose experience in social affairs has been +considerable, shows the correct method of corresponding with +comparative strangers. + + +An Incorrect Letter from a Debutante to a Taxidermist Thanking +Him for Having Stuffed Her Pet Alice + +DEAR MR. Epps: + +Aren't you an old PEACH to have gone and stuffed Alice so +prettily! Really, Mr. Epps, I never saw such a knockout piece of +taxidermy, even in Europe, and I simply adore it. Mother gave a +dinner party last night and EVERYBODY was just wild about it and +wanted to know who had done it. How on EARTH did you manage to +get the wings to stay like that? And the eyes are just too +priceless for words. Honestly, every time I look at it, it's so +DARNED natural that I can't believe Alice is really dead. I guess +you must be pretty dog-goned crazy about birds yourself to have +done such a lovely job on Alice, and I guess you know how +perfectly sick I was over her death. Honestly, Mr. Epps, she was +such a PEACH of an owl. But I suppose it had to be, and anyway, +thanks just heaps for having done such a really perfectly +gorgeous bit of taxidermy. + Gratefully, + FLORENCE CHASE. +593 Fifth Avenue, +New York City. + + +The above is, you observe, quite lacking in that reserve with +which young ladies should always treat strange gentlemen and +especially those who are not in their own social "set." Slang may +be excusable in shop girls or baseball players, but never in the +mouth of a young lady with any pretensions to breeding. And the +use of "darned" and "dog-goned" is simply unpardonable. Notice, +now, the way in which Miss Florence writes the letter after, her +mama has given her the proper instruction. + +A Correct Letter from a Debutante to a Taxidermist Thanking Him +for Having Stuffed Her Pet Alice + +Mr. Lloyd Epps, Taxidermist, +New York City. +DEAR SIR: + +It is with sincere pleasure that I take my pen in hand to +compliment you upon the successful manner in which you have +rendered your services as taxidermist upon my late owl Alice. +Death in the animal kingdom is all too often regarded with an +unbecoming levity or, at least, a careless lack of sympathetic +appreciation, and it is with genuine feelings of gratitude that I +pen these lines upon the occasion of the receipt of the sample of +the excellent manner in which you have performed your task. Of +the same opinion is my father, a vice-president of the Guaranty +Trust Co., and himself a taxidermist of no inconsiderable merit, +who joins me in expressing to you our most grateful appreciation. + Sincerely yours, + FLORENCE ELIOT CHASE. +December 11, 1922. + + +{illustration caption = +The young man is leaving the home of his host in "high dudgeon." +He is of the type rather slangily known among the members of our +younger set as "finale hopper" which means, in the "King's +English," one who is very fond of dancing. His indignation is +well founded, since it is not the custom among members of the +socially elite to comment in the presence of the guest on either +the quantity of soup consumed or the method of consumption +adopted. These things should be left for the privacy of the +boudoir or smoking den where they will afford much innocent +amusement. Nor is the host mending matters by his kindly meant +but perhaps tactless offer of a nickel for carfare.} + +{illustration caption = +The gentleman with the excellent teeth has just been guilty of a +gross social error. Wrongly supposing that the secret of +popularity lies in a helpful spirit and having discovered that +the son of his hostess is about to enter a dental school, he has +removed the excellent teeth (false) from his mouth and passed +them around for inspection. The fact that the teeth are of the +latest mode does not in any way condone the breach. Leniency in +such matters is not recommended. "Facilis descensus Averni" as +one of the great poets of the Middle Ages so aptly put it.} + + + +COLLEGE BOYS + +It is the tendency of the age to excuse many social errors in +young people, and especially is this true of the mischievous +pranks of college boys. If Harvard football heroes and their +"rooters," for example, wish to let their hair grow long and wear +high turtle-necked red "sweaters," corduroy trousers and huge +"frat" pins, I, for one, can see no grave objection, for "boys +will be boys" and I am, I hope, no "old fogy" in such matters. +But I also see no reason why these same young fellows should not +be interested in the graces of the salon and the arts of the +drawing-room. Consider, for example, the following two letters, +illustrating the correct and incorrect method in which two young +college men should correspond, and tell me if there is not some +place in our college curriculum for a Professor of Deportment: + +An Incorrect Letter from a Princeton Student to a Yale Student +Congratulating the Latter on His Football Victory + +DEAR MIKE: + +Here's your damn money. I was a fool to give you odds. + ED. +P. S. What happened at the Nass? I woke up Sunday with a terrific +welt on my forehead and somebody's hat with the initials L. G. +T., also a Brooks coat. Do you know whose they are? P. P. S. +Please for God's sake don't cash this check until the fifteenth +or I'm ruined. + + +And here is the way in which I would suggest that this same +letter be indited. + +A Correct Letter from a Princeton Student to a Yale Student +Congratulating the Latter on His Football Victory + +MY DEAR "FRIENDLY ENEMY": + +Well, well, it was a jolly game, wasn't it, and it was so good to +see you in "Old Nassau." I am sorry that you could not have come +earlier in the fall, when the trees were still bronze and gold. I +also regret exceedingly that you did not stay over until Sunday, +for it would have been such a treat to have taken you to see the +Graduate School buildings and the Cleveland Memorial Tower. +However, "better luck next time." + +The enclosed check is, as you may well guess, in payment of our +wager on the result of the gridiron-contest. Truly, I am almost +glad that I lost, for I can not but think that gambling in any +form is at best an unprofitable diversion, and this has taught +me, I hope, a lesson from which I may well benefit. Do not think +me a "prig," dear Harry, I beg of you, for I am sure that you +will agree with me that even a seemingly innocent wager on a +football match may lead in later life to a taste for gambling +with dice and cards or even worse. Shall we not agree to make +this our last wager--or at least, next time, let us not lend it +the appearance of professional gambling by giving "odds," such as +I gave you this year. + +You must have thought it frightfully rude of me not to have seen +you to the train after that enjoyable evening at the Nassau Inn, +but to tell you the truth, Harry, the nervous excitement of the +day proved too much for me and I was forced to retire. My +indisposition was further accentuated by a slight mishap which +befell me outside the Inn but which need cause you no alarm as a +scalp wound was the only result and a few days' rest in my cozy +dormitory room will soon set matters to rights. I trust, however, +that you will explain to your friends the cause of my sudden +departure and my seeming inhospitality. Such jolly fellows they +were--and I am only too glad to find that the "bulldogs" are as +thoroughly nice as the chaps we have down here. Incidentally, I +discovered, somewhat to my dismay, as you may well imagine, that +in taking my departure I inadvertently "walked off" with the hat +and overcoat of one of your friends whose initials are L. G. T. I +am mortified beyond words and shall send the garments to you by +the next post with my deepest apologies to the unlucky owner. + +Rest assured, Harry my friend, that I am looking forward to +visiting you some time in the near future, for I have always been +curious to observe the many interesting sights of "Eli land." +Particularly anxious am I to see the beautiful trees which have +given New Haven its name of "the City of Elms," and the +collection of primitive paintings for which your college is +justly celebrated. And in closing may I make the slight request +that you postpone the cashing of my enclosed check until the +fifteenth of this month, as, due to some slight misunderstanding, +I find that my account is in the unfortunate condition of being +"overdrawn." + +Believe me, Harry, with kindest regards to your nice friends and +yourself and with congratulations on the well deserved victory of +your "eleven," + Your devoted friend and well wisher, + EDWARD ELLIS COCHRAN. + + +LETTERS TO PARENTS + +Of course, when young people write to the members of their +immediate family, it is not necessary that they employ such +reserve as in correspondence with friends. The following letter +well illustrates the change in tone which is permissible in such +intimate correspondence: + +A Correct Letter from a Young Lady in Boarding School to Her +Parents + +DEAR MOTHER: + +Of course I am terribly glad that you and father are thinking of +coming to visit me here at school next week, but don't you think +it would be better if, instead of your coming all the way up +here, I should come down and stay with you in New York? The +railroad trip up here will be very hard on you, as the trains are +usually late and the porters and conductors are notorious for +their gruffness and it is awfully hard to get parlor-car seats +and you know what sitting in a day-coach means. I should love to +have you come only I wouldn't want you or father to get some +terrible sickness on the train and last month there were at least +three wrecks on that road, with many fatalities, and when you get +here the accommodations aren't very good for outsiders, many of +the guests having been severely poisoned only last year by eating +ripe olives and the beds, they say, are extremely hard. Don't you +really think it would be ever so much nicer if you and father +stayed in some comfortable hotel in New York with all the +conveniences in the world and there are some wonderful things at +the theaters which you really ought to see. I could probably get +permission from Miss Spencer to come and visit you over Saturday +and Sunday if you are stopping at one of the five hotels on her +"permitted" list. + +However, if you do decide to come here, perhaps it would be +better to leave father in New York because I know he wouldn't +like it at all with nothing but women and girls around and I am +sure that he couldn't get his glass of hot water in the morning +before breakfast and he would have a much better time in New +York. But if he does come please mother don't let him wear that +old gray hat or that brown suit, and mother couldn't you get him +to get some gloves and a cane in New York before he comes? And +please, mother dear, make him put those "stogies" of his in an +inside pocket and would you mind, mother, not wearing that brooch +father's employees gave you last Christmas? + +I shall be awfully glad to see you both but as I say it would be +better if you let me come to New York where you and father will +be ever so much more comfortable. + Your loving daughter, + JEANNETTE. + + +LETTERS FROM PARENTS + +THE same familiarity may be observed by parents when +corresponding with their children, with, of course, the addition +of a certain amount of dignity commensurate with the fact that +they are, as it were, in loco parentis. The following example +will no doubt be of aid to parents in correctly corresponding +with their children: + +A Correct Letter from a Mother to Her Son Congratulating Him on +His Election to the Presidency of the United States + +DEAR FREDERICK: + +I am very glad that you have been elected President of the United +States, Frederick, and I hope that now you will have sense enough +to see Dr. Kincaid about your teeth. It would be well to have him +give you a thorough looking over at this time. And Mrs. Peasely +has given me the name of a splendid throat specialist in New York +whom I wish you would see as soon as possible, for it has been +almost a year since you went to Dr. Ryan. Are you getting good +wholesome food? Mrs. Dennison stopped in this morning and she +told me that Washington is very damp in the spring and I think +you had better get a new overcoat--a heavy warm one. She also +told me the name of a place where you can buy real woolen socks +and pajamas. I hope that you aren't going to be so foolish as to +wear those short B. V. D.'s all winter because now that you are +president you must take care of yourself, Edward dear. Are you +keeping up those exercises in the morning? I found those +dumb-bells of yours in the attic yesterday and will send them on +to you if you wish. And, dear, please keep your throat covered +when you go out--Mrs. Kennedy says that the subways are always +cold and full of draughts. I saw a picture of you at the "movies" +the other evening and you were making a speech in the rain +without a hat or rubbers. Your uncle Frederick was just such a +fool as you are about wearing rubbers and he almost died of +pneumonia the winter we moved to Jefferson Avenue. Be sure and +let me know what Dr. Kincaid says and tell him EVERYTHING. + Your LOVING mother. +P. S. What direction does your window face? + + +LETTERS TO PROSPECTIVE FATHERS-IN-LAW + +A young man desiring to marry a young girl does not, in polite +society, "pop the question" to her by mail, unless she happens, +at the time, to be out of the city or otherwise unable to +"receive." It is often advisable, however, after she has said +"yes," to write a letter to her father instead of calling on him +to ask for his permission to the match, as a personal interview +is often apt to result unsatisfactorily. In writing these letters +to prospective fathers-in-law, the cardinal point is, of course, +the creation by the young man of a good impression in the mind of +the father, and for this purpose he should study to make his +letter one which will appeal irresistibly to the older +gentleman's habits and tastes. + +Thus, in writing to a father who is above everything else a +"business man," the following form is suggested: + +A Correct Letter to a Prospective Father-in-Law Who Is a Business +Man + + My letter, + 10-6-22 + Your letter, + In reply please refer to: -------- + File--Love--personal-- + N. Y.--1922 + No. G, 16 19 +Mr. Harrison Williams, +Vice-Pres. Kinnear-Williams Mfg. Co., +Buffalo, N. Y. + +DEAR SIR: + +Confirming verbal message of even date re: being in love with +your daughter, this is to advise that I am in love with your +daughter. Any favorable action which you would care to take in +this matter would be greatly appreciated. + Yours truly, + EDWARD FISH. +Copy to your Daughter per E. F. + " " " Wife +EF/F + + +Or, should the girl's father be prominent in the advertising +business, the following would probably create a favorable +impression, especially if printed on a blotter or other useful +article: + +A Correct Letter to a Prospective Father-in-Law Who Is in the +Advertising Business + +JUST A MOMENT! + +Have you ever stopped to consider the problem of grandchildren? + +Do you know, for example, that ONLY 58% of the fathers in America +are GRANDFATHERS? + +Did it ever occur to you that only 39% of the grandfathers in +America EVER HAVE GRANDCHILDREN? + +Honestly, now, don't there come moments, after the day's work is +done and you are sitting in your slippers before the fire, when +you would give any thing in the world for a soft little voice to +call you GRANDPA? + +Be fair to your daughter +Give her a College educated husband! +COMPLIMENTS OF EDWARD FISH + + +Perhaps, if the old gentleman is employed in the Credit +Department of Brooks Brothers, Frank Brothers, or any one of the +better class stores, the following might prove effective: + +A Correct Letter to a Prospective Father-in-Law Who Is Employed +in a Credit Department + +MY DEAR MR. ROBERTS: 10-6-22 + +I am writing you in regard to a little matter of matrimony which +no doubt you have overlooked in the press of business elsewhere. +This is not to be considered as a "dun" but merely as a gentle +reminder of the fact that it would be extremely agreeable if you +could see fit to let me marry your daughter before the first of +next month. I feel sure that you will give this matter your +immediate attention. + Yours truly, + ED. FISH. + + 11-2-22 +DEAR MR. ROBERTS: + +As you have not as yet replied to my communication of 10-6-22 +regarding marriage to your daughter, I presume that you were not +at the time disposed to take care of the matter to which I +referred. I feel sure that upon consideration you will agree that +my terms are exceedingly liberal and I must therefore request +that you let me have some word from you before the first of next +month. + Yours truly, + EDWARD FISH. + + (Registered Mail) 12-2-22 +DEAR SIR: + +You have not as yet replied to my communication of 10-6-22 and +11-2-22. I should regret exceedingly being forced to place this +matter in the hands of my attorneys, Messrs. Goldstein and +Nusselmann, 41 City Nat'l Bank Bldg. + E. FISH. + + +Of course, it would never do to carry this series to its +conclusion and if no reply is received to this last letter it +might be well to call on the gentleman in his place of +business--or, possibly, it might even be better to call off the +engagement. "None but the brave deserve the fair"--but there is +also a line in one of Byron's poems which goes, I believe, "Here +sleep the brave." + + +LOVE LETTERS + +A young man corresponding with his fiancee is never, of course, +as formal as in his letters to other people. This does not mean, +however, that his correspondence should be full of silly +meaningless "nothings." On the contrary, he should aim to +instruct and benefit his future spouse as well as convey to her +his tokens of affection. The following letter well illustrates +the manner in which a young man may write his fiancee a letter +which, while it is replete with proper expressions of amatory +good will, yet manages to embody a fund of sensible and useful +information: + +A Correct Letter from a Young Man Traveling in Europe to His +Fiancee + +MY DEAREST EDITH: + +How I long to see you--to hold tight your hand--to look into your +eyes. But alas! you are in Toledo and I am in Paris, which, as +you know, is situated on the Seine River near the middle of the +so-called Paris basin at a height above sea-level varying from 85 +feet to 419 feet and extending 7 1/2 miles from W. to E. and 5 +1/2 miles from N. to S. But, dearest, I carry your image with me +in my heart wherever I go in this vast city with its population +(1921) of 2,856,986 and its average mean rainfall Of 2.6 inches, +and I wish--oh, how I wish--that you might be here with me. +Yesterday, for example, I went to the Pere Lachaise cemetery +which is the largest (106 acres) and most fashionable cemetery in +Paris, its 90,148 (est.) tombs forming a veritable open-air +sculpture gallery. And what do you think I found there which made +me think of you more than ever? Not the tombs of La Fontaine (d. +1695) and Moliere (d. 1673) whose remains, transferred to this +cemetery in 1804, constituted the first interments--not the last +resting place of Rosa Bonheur (d. 1899) or the victims of the +Op<ra Comique fire (1887)--no, dearest, it was the tomb of +Abelard and Heloise, those late 11th early 12th century lovers, +and you may well imagine what thoughts, centering upon a young +lady whose first name begins with E, filled my heart as I gazed +at this impressive tomb, the canopy of which is composed of +sculptured fragments collected by Lenoir from the Abbey of +Nogent-sur-Seine (Aube). + +Edith dearest, I am sitting in my room gazing first at your dear +picture and then out of my window at the Eiffel Tower which is +the tallest structure in the world, being 984 feet high +(Woolworth Building 750 feet, Washington Obelisk 555 feet, Great +Pyramid 450 feet). And although it may sound too romantic, yet it +seems to me, dearest, that our love is as strong and as sturdy as +this masterpiece of engineering construction which weighs 7,000 +tons, being composed of 12,000 pieces of metal fastened by +2,500,000 iron rivets. + +Farewell, my dearest one--I must go now to visit the Catacombs, a +huge charnelhouse which is said to contain the remains of nearly +three million persons, consisting of a labyrinth of galleries +lined with bones and rows of skulls through which visitors are +escorted on the first and third Saturday of each month at 2 P. M. +I long to hold you in my arms. + Devotedly, + PAUL. + + +CORRESPONDENCE OF PUBLIC OFFICIALS + +Congressmen and other public officials are as a rule more careful +correspondents than are men whose letters are never to be seen by +the public at large. There is a certain well-defined form for a +letter meant for public consumption which distinguishes it from +correspondence of a more private nature. Thus a Congressman, +writing a "public letter," would cast it in the following form: + +A Correct "Public Letter" from a Congressman + +Mr. Ellison Lothrop, +Vice-Pres. Washington Co.. "Better Citizenship" League, + +MY DEAR MR. LOTHROP: + +You have requested that I give to the Washington County Better +Citizenship League, of which you are an active vice-president, +some expression of my views upon the question of Prohibition. + +Sir, can there be any doubt as to the belief of every right +thinking American citizen in this matter? The Eighteenth +Amendment is here and here, thank God, to stay! The great benefit +which Prohibition has done to the poor and the working classes is +reason enough for its continued existence. It is for the +manufacturers, the professional class, the capitalists to give up +gladly whatever small pleasure they may have derived from the use +of alcohol, in order that John Jones, workingman, may have money +in the bank and a happy home, instead of his Saturday night +debauch. In every democracy the few sacrifice for the many--"the +greatest good of the greatest number" is the slogan. And I, for +one, am proud to have been a member of that legislative body +which passed so truly God-bidden and democratic an act as the +Eighteenth Amendment. + +I beg to remain, with best wishes to your great +organization, + Sincerely yours, + WALTER G. TOWNSLEY. + + +A Correct Private Letter of a Congressman + +DEAR BOB: + +Tell that fellow on Mulberry Street that I will pay $135 a case +for Scotch and $90 for gin DELIVERED and not a cent more. + W. G. T. + + +{illustration caption = +The problem of an introduction when there is no mutual +acquaintance is sometimes perplexing. But the young man, having +had the good taste to purchase a copy of PERFECT BEHAVIOR, is +having no difficulty. He has fastened a rope across the sidewalk +in front of the lady's house and, with the aid of a match and +some kerosene, has set fire to the house. Driven by the heat, the +young lady will eventually emerge and in her haste will fall over +the rope. To a gentleman of gallantry and ingenuity the rest +should be comparatively simple.} + +{illustration caption = +A knowledge of the language of flowers is essential to a +successful courtship and may avoid much unnecessary pain. With +the best intentions in the world the young man is about to +present the young lady with a flower of whose meaning he is in +total ignorance. The young lady, being a faithful student of +PERFECT BEHAVIOR, knows its exact meaning and it will be +perfectly correct for her to turn and, with a frigid bow, break +the pot over the young man's head. Alas, how differently this +romance might have ended if the so-called "friends" of the young +man had tactfully but firmly pointed out to him the value of a +book on etiquette such as PERFECT BEHAVIOR.} + + + +LETTERS TO NEWSPAPERS, MAGAZINES, ETC. + +Another type of public correspondence is the letter which is +intended for publication in some periodical. This is usually +written by elderly gentlemen with whiskers and should be cast in +the following form: + + +A Correct Letter from an Elderly Gentleman to the Editor of a +Newspaper or Magazine + +To the Editor: +SIR: + +On February next, Deo volente, I shall have been a constant +reader of your worthy publication for forty-one years. I feel, +sir, that that record gives me the right ipso facto to offer my +humble criticism of a statement made in your November number by +that worthy critic of the drama, Mr. Heywood Broun. Humanum est +errare, and I am sure that Mr. Broun (with whom I have +unfortunately not the honour of an acquaintance) will forgive me +for calling his attention to what is indeed a serious, and I +might say, unbelievable, misstatement. In my younger days, now +long past, it was not considered infra dig for a critic to reply +to such letters as this, and I hope that Mr. Broun will deem this +epistle worthy of consideration, and recognize the justice of my +complaint. + +I remember well a controversy that raged between critic and +public for many weeks in the days when Joe Jefferson was playing +Rip Van Winkle. Ah, sir, do you remember (but, of course, you +don't) that entrance of Joe in the first act with his dog +Schneider? That was not my first play by many years, but I +believe that it is still my favorite. I think the first time I +ever attended a dramatic performance was in the winter of '68 +when I was a student at Harvard College. Five of us freshmen went +into the old Boston Museum to see Our American Cousin. Joe +Chappell was with us that night and the two Dawes boys and, I +think, Elmer Mitchell. One of the Dawes twins was, I believe, +afterwards prominent in the Hayes administration. There were many +men besides Will Dawes in that Harvard class who were heard from +in later years. Ed Twitchell for one, and "Sam" Caldwell, who was +one of the nominees for vice president in '92. I sat next to Sam +in "Bull" Warren's Greek class. THERE was one of the finest +scholars this country has ever produced--a stern taskmaster, and +a thorough gentleman. It would be well for this younger +generation if they could spend a few hours in that old classroom, +with "Bull" pacing up and down the aisle and all of us trembling +in our shoes. But Delenda est Carthago--fuit Ilium--Requiescat in +pace. I last saw "Bull" at our fifteenth reunion and we were all +just as afraid of him as in the old days at Hollis. + +But I digress. Tempus fugit,--which reminds me of a story "Billy" +Hallowell once told at a meeting of the American Bar Association +in Minneapolis, in 1906. Hallowell was perhaps the most brilliant +after-dinner speaker I have ever heard--with the possible +exception of W. D. Evarts. I shall never forget the speech that +Evarts made during the second Blaine campaign. + +But I digress. Your critic, Mr. Heywood Broun, says on page 33 of +the November issue of your worthy magazine that The Easiest Way +is the father of all modern American tragedy. Sir, does Mr. Broun +forget that there once lived a man named William Shakespeare? Is +it possible to overlook such immortal tragedies as Hamlet and +Othello? I think not. Fiat justitia, ruat colum. + Sincerely, + SHERWIN G. COLLINS. + + +A Correct Letter from an Indignant Father to an Editor of Low +Ideals + +To the Editor: Sir: + +I have a son--a little fourteen-year-old boy who proudly bears my +name. This lad I have brought up with the greatest care. I have +spared no pains to make him an upright, moral, God-fearing youth. + +I had succeeded, I thought, in inculcating in him all those +worthy principles for which our Puritan fathers fought +and--aye--died. I do not believe that there existed in our +neighborhood a more virtuous, more righteous boy. + +From his earliest childhood until now Mrs. Pringle and I have +kept him carefully free from any suggestion of evil. We have put +in his hands only the best and purest of books; we have not +allowed him to attend any motion picture performances other than +the yearly visit of the Burton Holmes travelogues, and, last +year, a film called Snow White and Rose Red; we have forbidden +him to enter a theater. Roland (for that is his name) has never +in his life exhibited any interest in what is known as sex. + +Sir, you may imagine my chagrin when my Roland--my boy who, for +fourteen years, I have carefully shielded from sin--rushed in +last night to where Mrs. Pringle and I were enjoying our evening +game of Bezique, bearing in his hand a copy of your magazine +which, I presume, he had picked up at some so-called friend's +house. "Papa, look," said my boy to me, pointing to the cover of +the magazine. "What are these?" + +Sir, I looked. Mrs. Pringle gave a shriek, and well may she have. +My boy was pointing to a cover on which was what is called--in +barroom parlance--a "nude." And not ONE nude but TWELVE! + +Sir, you have destroyed the parental labors of fourteen years. I +trust you are satisfied. + Yours, etc., + EVERETT G. PRINGLE. + +A Letter from a Member of the Lower Classes. Particular pains +should be taken in answering such letters as it should always be +our aim to lend a hand to those aspiring toward better things. + +To the Editor: +Dear Sir: + +I am a motorman on the Third Ave. South Ferry local, and the +other day one of the passengers left a copy of your magazine on +my car and I want to ask you something which maybe you can tell +me and anyway it don't do no harm to ask what I want to know is +will it be O. K to wear a white vest with a dinner coat this +coming winter and what color socks I enclose stamps for reply. + Yrs. + ED. WALSH. + +A Correct Letter to the Lost and Found Department of a +Periodical, inquiring for a Missing Relative. This should be +referred to the persons mentioned in the letter who will probably +take prompt and vigorous action. + +Literary Editors: +Dear Sirs: + +I have been very much interested in the clever work of Nancy and +Ernest Boyd which has been appearing in your magazine, and I +wonder if you could take the time to give me a little piece of +information about them. You see there was a Nancy Boyd (her +mother was Nancy Kroomen of Beaver Dam) and her bro. Ernest, who +was neighbors to us for several years, and when they moved I sort +of lost track of them. You know how those things are. But it's a +small world after all, isn't it? and I shouldn't be at all +surprised if this was the same party and, if it is, will you say +hello to Nancy for me, and tell Ernest that Ed. Gold still comes +down from Akron to see E. W. every Saturday. He'll know who I +mean. + Ever sincerely, + MAY WINTERS. + + +LETTERS TO STRANGERS + +In writing to a person with whom you have only a slight +acquaintance, it is a sign of proper breeding to attempt to show +the stranger that you are interested in the things in which he is +interested. Thus, for example, if you were to write a letter to a +Frenchman who was visiting your city for the first time, you +would endeavor, as in the following example, to speak to him in +his own idiom and put him at his ease by referring to the things +with which he is undoubtedly familiar. It is only a "boor" who +seeks to impose his own hobbies and interests upon a stranger, +disregarding entirely the presumable likes and dislikes of the +latter. + + +A CORRECT LETTER TO A FRENCH VISITOR + +Monsieur Jules La Chaise, +Hotel Enterprise, +City. + +MONSIEUR: + +I hope that you have had a bon voyage on your trip from la belle +France, and my wife and I are looking forward to welcoming you to +our city. Although I cannot say, as your great king Louis XV. so +justly remarked, "L'etat, c'est moi," yet I believe that I can +entertain you comme il faut during your stay here. But all bon +mots aside, would you care to join us this afternoon in a ride +around the city? If you say the word, voila! we shall be at your +hotel in our automobile and I think that you will find here much +that is interesting to a native of Lafayette's great country and +especially to a citizen of Paris. Did you know, for example, that +this city manufactures 38% of the toilet soap and perfumery je ne +sais quoi which are used in this state? Of course, our sewers are +not to be compared to yours, mon Dieu, but we have recently +completed a pumping station on the outskirts of the city which I +think might almost be denominated an objet d'art. + +I am enclosing a visitor's card to the City Club here, which I +wish you would use during your stay. I am sure that you will find +there several bon vivants who will be glad to join you in a game +of vingt et un, and in the large room on the second floor is a +victrola with splendid instrumental and vocal records of "La +Marseillaise." + +Au revoir until I see you this afternoon. + Robert C. Crocker. + + +And above all, in writing to strangers or comparative strangers, +seek to avoid the mention of subjects which might be distasteful +to the recipient of the letter. Many a friendship has been +utterly ruined because one of the parties, in her correspondence +or conversation, carelessly referred to some matter--perhaps some +physical peculiarity--upon which the other was extremely +sensitive. The following letter well illustrates how the use of a +little tact may go "a long way." + + +A CORRECT LETTER TO A BEARDED LADY + +My dear Mrs. Lenox: + +I wonder if you would care to go with us to the opera Wednesday +evening? The Cromwells have offered us their box for that night, +which accounts for our selection of that particular evening. +"Beggars cannot be choosers," and while personally we would all +rather go on some other night, yet it is perhaps best that we do +not refuse the Cromwells' generous offer. Then, too, Wednesday is +really the only evening that my husband and I are free to go, for +the children take so much of our time on other nights. I do hope, +therefore, that you can go with us Wednesday to hear "The Barber +of Seville." + Sincerely, + Esther G. (Mrs. Thomas D.) Franklin. + + +INVITATIONS + +The form of the invitation depends a great deal upon the +character of the function to which one wishes to invite the +guests to whom one issues the invitation. Or, to put it more +simply, invitations differ according to the nature of the party +to which one invites the guests. In other words, when issuing +invitations to invited guests one must have due regard for the +fact that these invitations vary with the various types of +entertainments for which one issues the invitations. That is to +say, one would obviously not send out the same form of invitation +to a wedding as to a dinner party, and vice versa. This is an +iron-clad rule in polite society. + +For example, a gentleman and lady named Mr. and Mrs. Weems, +respectively, living at 1063 Railroad Ave., wishing to invite a +gentleman named Mr. Cleek to dinner, would send him the following +engraved invitation: + +MR. AND MRS. LIONEL THONG WEEMS + +request the pleasure of + +MR. WALLACE TlLFORD CLEEK'S + +company at dinner + +on Tuesday January the tenth + +at half after seven o'clock + +1063 Railroad Avenue. + + +This invitation would of course be worded differently for +different circumstances, such as, for example, if the name of the +people giving the party wasn't Weems or if they didn't live at +1063 Railroad Ave., or if they didn't have any intention of +giving a dinner party on that particular evening. + +Many prospective hostesses prefer to send written notes instead +of the engraved invitation, especially if the dinner is to be +fairly informal. This sort of invitation should, however, be +extremely simple. I think that most well-informed hostesses would +agree that the following is too verbose: + + +DEAR MR. BURPEE. + +It would give us great pleasure if you would dine with us on +Monday next at seven-thirty. By the way, did you know that Mr. +Sheldon died yesterday of pneumonia? + Cordially, + ESTELLE G. BESSERABO. + + +For receptions in honor of noted guests, word the invitation in +this manner: + + +MR. AND MRS. CORNELIUS VANDERBILT + +request the pleasure of your company + +on Friday evening February sixth + +from nine to twelve + +AT DELMONICO'S + +to meet Asst. Fire-Chief CHARLEY SCHMIDT and + +Mrs. SCHMIDT + + +Invitations to graduating exercises are worded thus: + +THE SENIOR CLASS + +of the + +SOUTH ROCHESTER FEMALE DENTAL INSTITUTE + +requests the honor of your presence at the + +Commencement Exercises + +on Tuesday evening, June the fifth + +at eight o'clock + +MASONIC OPERA HOUSE + +"That Six- Orchestra. + + +ACCEPTANCES AND REGRETS + +Responses to invitations usually take the form of "acceptances" +or "regrets." It is never correct, for example, to write the +following sort of note: + +DEAR MRS. CRONICK: + +Your invitation for the 12th inst. received and in reply would +advise that I am not at the present time in a position to signify +whether or not I can accept. Could you at your convenience +furnish me with additional particulars re the proposed +affair--number of guests, character of refreshments, size of +orchestra, etc.? Awaiting an early reply, I am, + Yours truly, + ALFRED CASS NAPE. + + +If one wishes to attend the party, one "accepts" on a clean sheet +of note-paper with black ink from a "fountain" pen or inkwell. A +hostess should not, however, make the mistake of thinking that a +large number of "acceptances" implies that anybody really wishes +to attend her party. + +The following is a standard form of acceptance: + + +Dr. Tanner accepts with pleasure the kind invitation of Mrs. +Frederick Cummings Bussey for Thursday evening, December twelfth, +at half after eight. + +This note need not be signed. The following "acceptance" is +decidedly demode: + +DEAR MRS. ASTOR: + +Will I be at your ball? Say, can a duck swim? +Count on me sure. FRED. + + +It is also incorrect and somewhat boorish to write "accepted" +across the face of the invitation and return it signed to the +hostess. + +If one does not care to attend the party, one often sends one's +"regrets" although one just as often sends one's "acceptances," +depending largely upon the social position of one's hostess. The +proper form of "regret" is generally as follows: + + +Alice Ben Bolt regrets that she will be unable to accept the kind +invitation of Major General and Mrs. Hannafield for Wednesday +evening at half after eight. + + +Sometimes it is better to explain in some manner the cause of the +"regret," as for example: + + +Alice Ben Bolt regrets that, owing to an ulcerated tooth in the +left side of her mouth, and severe neuralgic pains all up and +down her left side, she will be unable to accept the kind +invitation of Major General and Mrs. Hannafield for Wednesday +evening at half after eight, at "The Bananas." + +This is not, however, always necessary. + +{illustration caption = +This is an admirable picture with which to test the "kiddies' " +knowledge of good manners at a dinner table. It will also keep +them occupied as a puzzle picture since the "faux pas" +illustrated herewith will probably not be apparent to the little +ones except after careful examination. If, however, they have +been conscientiously trained it will not be long, before the +brighter ones discover that the spoon has been incorrectly left +standing in the cup, that the coffee is being served from the +right instead of the left side, and that the lettering of the +motto on the wall too nearly resembles the German style to be +quite "au fait" in the home of any red-blooded American citizen.} + + +{illustration caption = +Dessert has been reached and the gentleman in the picture is +perspiring freely--in itself a deplorable breach of etiquette. He +has been attempting all evening to engage the ladies on either +side of him in conversation on babies, Camp's Reducing Exercises, +politics, Camp's Developing Exercises, music or Charlie Chaplin, +only to be rebuffed by a haughty chin on the one hand and a cold +shoulder on the other. If he had taken the precaution to consult +Stewart's Lightning Calculator of Dinner Table Conversation (one +of the many aids to social success to be found in PERFECT +BEHAVIOR) he would have realized the bad taste characterizing his +choice of topics and would not have made himself a marked figure +at this well-appointed dinner table.} + + + +CHAPTER NINE: THE ETIQUETTE OF DINNERS AND BALLS + +FORMAL DINNERS IN AMERICA + +Eating is an extremely old custom and has been practiced by the +better classes of society almost without interruption from +earliest times. And "society," like the potentate of the parable +whose touch transformed every object into gold, has embellished +and adorned the all-too-common habit of eating, until there has +been evolved throughout the ages that most charming and exquisite +product of human culture--the formal dinner party. The gentleman +of today who delightedly dons his dress suit and escorts into a +ten-course dinner some lady mountain climber or other celebrity, +is probably little aware of what he owes to his forefathers for +having so painstakingly devised for him such a pleasant method of +spending his time. + +But "before one runs, one must learn to walk"--and the joys of +the dinner-party are not to be partaken of without a long +preliminary course of training, as many a young man has learned +to his sorrow when he discovered that his inelegant use of knife +and fork was causing humorous comment up and down the "board" and +was drawing upon himself the haughty glances of an outraged +hostess. The first requisite of success in dining out is the +possession of a complete set of correct table manners--and these, +like anything worth while, can be achieved only by patient study +and daily practise. + + +TABLE MANNERS FOR CHILDREN + +AS a matter of fact, it is never too early to begin to acquire +the technique of correct eating, and the nursery is the best +possible place for the first lessons in dining-room behavior. +Children should be taught at an early age the fundamentals of +"table" manners in such a way that by the time they have reached +the years of manhood the correct use of knife, fork, spoon and +fingerbowl is to them almost second nature. But the parents +should remember, above everything else, to instruct their +children in such a way that the pupil takes pleasure in his +lessons. This is the method which is employed today in every +successful school or "kindergarten"; this is the method which +really produces satisfactory results. + +Thus, for example, if you are a father and your boy Edward +persists in bringing his pet tadpole to the table in a glass jar, +you should not punish or scold him; a much more effective and +graphic method of correcting this habit would be for you to +suddenly pick up the tadpole one day at luncheon and swallow it. +No whipping or scolding would so impress upon the growing boy the +importance of the fact that the dinner table is not the place for +pets. + +Another effective way of teaching table manners to children +consists in making up attractive games about the various lessons +to be learned. Thus, whenever you have guests for dinner, the +children can play "Boner" which consists in watching the visitor +closely all during the meal in order to catch him in any +irregularity in table etiquette. As soon as the guest has +committed a mistake, the first Child to discover it points his +finger at him and shouts, "Pulled a Boner, Pulled a Boner!" and +the boy or girl who discovers the greatest number of "Boners" +during the evening is rewarded with a prize, based on the +following table of points: + + If the guest has dirty hands, 5 points. + If the guest uses wrong fork or spoon, 5 points. + If the guest chokes on bone, 8 points. + If the guest blows on soup, 5 points. + If the guest drops fork or spoon, 3 points. + If the guest spills soup on table, 10 points. + If the guest spills soup on self, 1 point. + + +Of course it is often well to tell the guests about the game in +advance in order that they may not feel embarrassed but will +enter thoroughly into the spirit of this helpful sport. + + +A CHILD'S GARDEN OF ETIQUETTE + +Children can also acquire knowledge more easily if it is imparted +to them in the form of verse or easy rhymes, and many valuable +facts about the dinner table can be embodied in children's +verses. A few of these which I can remember from my own happy +childhood are as follows: + + Oh, wouldn't it be jolly + To be a nice hors d'oeuvre + And just bring joy to people + Whom fondest you were of. + + Soup is eaten with a spoon + But not to any haunting tune. + + Oysters live down in the sea + In zones both temp. and torrid, + And when they are good they are very good indeed, + And when they are bad they are horrid. + + My papa makes a lovely Bronx + With gin so rare and old, + And two of them will set you right + But four will knock you cold. + + The boys with Polly will not frolic + Because she's eaten too much garlic. + Mama said the other day, + "A little goes a long, long way." + + A wind came up out of the sea + And said, "Those dams are not for me." + + Uncle Frank choked on a bone + From eating shad au gratin + Aunt Ethel said it served him right + And went back to her flat in + NEWARK (spoken) + Poor Uncle Frank! (chanted) + + I love my little finger bowl + So full of late filet of sole. + + Cousin George at lunch one day + Remarked, "That apple looks quite tasty. + Now George a dentist's bill must pay + Because he was so very hasty. + The proverb's teachings we must hold + "All that glitters is not gold." + And mama said to George, "Oh, shoot, + You've gone and ruined my glass fruit." + + Jim broke bread into his soup, + Jim knocked Mrs. Vanderbilt for a loop. + Kate drank from her finger bowl, + Kate knocked Mrs. Vanderbilt for a goal. + Children who perform such tricks + Are socially in Class G-6. + + +ETIQUETTE IN THE SCHOOL + +OF course, as the children become older, the instruction should +gradually come to embrace all forms of correct behaviour, and the +youthful games and rhymes should give way to the more complex and +intricate problems of mature social etiquette. It is suggested +that the teachings during this period may be successfully +combined with the young gentleman's or lady's other schoolroom +studies; in the case of mathematics, for example, the instruction +might be handled in somewhat the following manner: + + +A Problem in Mathematics (7th grade) + +A swimmer starts across a stream which is 450 yards wide. He +swims for five minutes at the rate of three miles per hour, and +for three minutes at the rate of four miles per hour. He then +reaches the other bank, where he sees a young lady five feet ten +inches tall, walking around a tree, in a circle the circumference +of which is forty-two yards. + +A. What is the diameter of the circle? +B. How fast is the current flowing in the stream? +C. At what point would the swimmer land if there were no current +in the stream? +D. At what point does the swimmer actually land? +E. But suppose that he has no bathing suit on? + + +And so, when the young person has reached the age for his first +formal dinner party, he will undoubtedly be able to handle the +fundamentals of correct etiquette in a satisfactory manner. But, +as in every sport or profession, there are certain +refinements--certain niceties which come only after long +experience--and it is with a view of helping the ambitious +diner-out to master these more complex details, that I suggest +that he study carefully the following "unwritten laws" which +govern every dinner party. + +In the first place, a guest is supposed tacitly to consent to the +menu which the hostess has arranged, and the diner-out who makes +a habit of saying "Squab, you know, never agrees with me--I +wonder if I might have a couple of poached eggs," is apt to find +that such squeamishness does not pay in the long run. + +Practical jokes are never countenanced at a formal affair of this +sort. I do not mean that a certain amount of good-natured fun is +out of place, but such "stunts" as pulling the hostess' chair out +from under her--or gleefully kicking the shins of your neighbor +under the table and shouting "Guess who?"--are decidedly among +the "non-ests" of correct modern dinner-table behaviour. + +Then, too, it is now distinctly bad form to practise legerdemain +or feats of sleight-of-hand at a dinner party. Time was when it +was considered correct for a young man who could do card or other +tricks to add to the gayety of the party by displaying his skill, +but that time is past, and the guest of today, who thinks to make +a "hit" by pulling a live rabbit or a potted plant from the back +of the mystified hostess or one of the butlers, is in reality +only making a "fool" of himself if he only knew it. The same +"taboo" also holds good as concerns feats of juggling and no +hostess of today will, I am sure, ever issue a second invitation +to a young man who has attempted to enliven her evening by +balancing, on his nose, a knife, a radish, a plate of soup and a +lighted candle. "Cleverness" is a valuable asset but only up to a +certain point, and I know of one unfortunately "clever" young +chap who almost completely ruined a promising social career by +the unexpected failure of one of his pet juggling tricks and the +consequent dumping of a large dish of mashed potatoes on the head +of a vice-president of the Equitable Trust Company. Besides, +people almost always distrust "clever" persons. + +It does not "do," either, to "ride your hobby" at a dinner party, +and the real truth as to the cause of the sudden social ostracism +of young Freddie H----, a New York clubman of some years ago (now +happily deceased), is that on one occasion this young fellow, who +had developed a craze for marksmanship amounting almost to a +mania, very nearly ruined a dinner party given by a prominent +Boston society matron by attempting to shoot the whiskers off a +certain elderly gentleman, who happened to be a direct descendant +of John Smith and Priscilla Alden. + +It might also be remarked that the possession of certain physical +gifts--such as the ability to wriggle one's ears or do the +"splits"--is in itself no "open sesame" to lasting social +success. "Slow and sure" is a good rule for the young man to +follow, and although he may somewhat enviously watch his more +brilliant colleagues as they gain momentary applause by their +ability to throw their thumbs out of joint or squirt water +through a hole in their front teeth, yet he may console himself +with the thought that "the race is not always to the swift" and +that "Rome was not built in a day." The gifts of this world have +been distributed fairly equally, and you may be sure that the +young girl who has been born a ventriloquist very likely is +totally unable to spell difficult words correctly or carry even a +simple tune. Ventriloquism, by the way, is also passing out as a +form of dinner party diversion, and it is no longer considered a +priceless accomplishment to be able to make a dog bark or a baby +cry under the hostess's chair. + + +CONVERSATION AT DINNER + +Gradually, however, conversation--real conversation--is coming +into its own as the favorite pastime of dinner guests, and the +young man or lady who can keep the conversational "ball" rolling +is coming more and more into demand. Good conversationalists are, +I fear, born and not made--but by study and practise any +ambitious young man can probably acquire the technique, and, with +time, mould himself into the kind of person upon whom hostesses +depend for the success of their party. As an aid in this +direction I have prepared the following chart which I would +advise all my readers to cut out and paste in some convenient +place so that at their next dinner party it can be readily +consulted. + + +STEWART'S LIGHTNING CALCULATOR OF DINNER TABLE CONVERSATION + +This chart divides the dinner into its various courses, and under +each course is given what I call an "opening sentence," together +with your partner's probable reply and the topic which is then +introduced for discussion. And, most valuable of all, under each +such topic I have listed certain helpful facts which will enable +you to prolong the conversation along those lines until the +arrival of the next course, and the consequent opening of another +field for discussion. The chart follows: + +I. Cocktails. + +You say to the partner on your right: "What terrible gin!" She +(he) replies: "Perfectly ghastly." This leads to a discussion of: +Some Aspects of Alcohol. +Helpful Facts: + +1. An oyster soaked in alcohol becomes quite rigid in eleven +minutes. + +2. Senator Volstead was born Sept. 4, 1869. + +3. Alcohol, if taken in too great quantities, often produces +internal disorders. + +II. Oysters. + +You say to the partner on your right: "Think of being an oyster!" +She (he) replies: "How perfectly ghastly." +This leads to a discussion of: Home Life of Oysters. +Helpful Facts: + +1. The average life of an oyster is 38 days, 11 hours. + +2. Polygamy is practised among certain classes of oysters. + +3. The first oyster was eaten by Ossip Gatch, a Pole (d. 1783). + +III. Fish. + +You say to the partner at your right: "Do you enjoy fish?" +She (he) replies: "I simply adore fish." +This leads to a discussion of: Fish--Then, and Now. +Helpful Facts: + +1. Fish make notoriously bad pets, whereas seals can be taught to +do many novel tricks. +2. Gloucester (Mass.) smells badly in summer. +3. Gloucester (Mass.) smells badly in winter. + +IV. Meat. +You say to the partner at your right: "Have you ever been through +the Stock-Yards?" +She (he) replies: "No." ("Yes.") +This leads to a discussion of: "The Meat Industry in America." +Helpful Facts: + +1. Every time a street car goes over the Brooklyn Bridge, a steer +is killed in Chicago--and oftener. + +2. Raw beefsteak in quantities is harmful to children under two +years of age. + +3. A man died recently in Topeka, Kansas, weighing 312 pounds. + +4. Many prominent people live on the North Side of Chicago. + +V. Salad. + +You say to the partner at your right: "What is your favorite +salad?" +She (he) replies: "I don't know, what's yours?" +This leads to a discussion of: Favorite Things. +Helpful Facts: + +1. Richard Barthelmess is married. + +2. B. V. D. stands for "Best Value Delivered." + +3. Amy Lowell is fond of cigars. + +VI. Dessert. + +You say to the partner at your right: "I love ice cream." +She (he) replies: "So do I." +This leads to a discussion of: Love. +Helpful Facts: + +1. New York is the hardest state in which to get a divorce in +America. + +2. Dr. Sigmund Freud is now living in Vienna, Austria. + +3. D. H. Lawrence has a black beard. + + +BALLS AND DANCES + +In order to succeed in the modern ballroom, and especially in the +ballrooms of our exclusive country clubs, a young gentleman or +lady of fashion must today be possessed of the following two +requisites: i. A "Line." 2. A closed car. The latter of these +"sine qua nons" is now owned as a matter of course by most +families and is no longer regarded as a mark of distinction. The +former requisite, however, is not so common, but it is +nevertheless true that any young person with ambition and a good +memory can eventually acquire a quite effective "Line." It is a +great aid in this direction if one happens to have spent a year +or more at one of our leading eastern universities or "finishing +schools." These vary, of course, in degree of excellence, but it +does not pay to be dogmatic on this subject, and to those who +would insist that the Princeton "Line" is more effective than the +Harvard ditto, or that the Westover "Line" flows more smoothly +than that of Farmington or Spence, one can only say "De gustibus +non disputandum est." "Lines" vary also in accordance with the +different types of girls who happen to be using them, and (to +misquote a rather vulgar proverb) "What is one girl's food may be +another girl's poison." Thus it happens that the "Line" which is +most universally and interminably employed by the "beautiful" +type of girl (consisting, in its entirety, of the three words +"How perfectly priceless") would never in the world do for the +young miss whose chief asset is a kind heart or a love for really +good books. + + +{illustration caption = +The above diagram (one of man), filling the instructive and +refined pages of PERFECT BEHAVIOR) will serve as a model to any +debutante or dancing man who seriously sets out to achieve social +eminence. It is only fair to warn aspirants that rigid adherence +to the formula is essential and that any slight slackening of the +pace is likely to prove fatal. On the other hand, we confidently +guarantee complete success to those who, in reverence and faith, +keep the final goal always in sight. His (or hers) be it to keep +the sacred flame burning and to pass the torch along from father +to son, from mother to daughter till the end of time, or so long +as they do not make any mesalliances, which is just as important +in America, whatever may be said to the contrary, as among our +"English cousins."} + + + +MIXED DANCING + +Another quality which is often helpful on the dance floor, +especially to girls, is the ability to dance. This seems to have +become largely a trick of keeping abreast of the latest "mode" +and while, personally, I greatly regret the passing of the +stately lancers and other dignified "round dances," yet, if +"mixed dancing" has come to stay, it is the duty of every young +person to learn to dance as well as possible in the generally +accepted manner, even though this often involves some +compromising of one's amour propre. + +But in addition to all these necessary qualifications the really +great person--the true super man or woman of the ballroom--must +be possessed of that certain divine something, that je ne sais +quoi ability to rise superior to all occasions, to overcome the +most difficult situations, which has distinguished the great men +and women of all ages. Joan of Arc had it, George Washington had +it, Napoleon had it--and I venture to say that any of these +three, had they lived today, Would have been a social success. +But perhaps this fact can best be illustrated by taking a typical +instance in the ballroom in which "When duty whispered low "Thou +must,' the youth replied "I can.'" + + +HINTS FOR STAGS + +Let us suppose, for example, that you are a young man who has +been invited to a dance to be given at the East Shore Country +Club. It is your original intention, let us say, to attend as a +"stag," but on the afternoon of the party you receive a note from +a young lady of your acquaintance asking if you would be so kind +as to accompany to the ball a guest of hers, a "sweet girl from +South Orange" who was in her class at college. + +The correct costume for a dance of this sort is usually a dinner +coat with a black or white vest, and when you have robed yourself +correctly, you should drive in your car to the young lady's home. +There you are presented to the sweet girl from South Orange, who +is six feet tall and has protruding teeth. After the customary +words of greeting and a few brief bits of pleasantry, you set off +with your partner for the dance. + +Arrived at the East Shore Club, you find the party in "full +swing," and after shaking hands with your host and hostess, you +should ask your partner if she would care to dance. + +The first three times that she steps on your left foot, you +should politely murmur, "My fault." But when she begins to sing +in your ear it is proper to steer her over toward the "stag line" +in order to petition for an injunction or a temporary restraining +order. + +The "stag line" consists of a group of the wisest, shrewdest and +most hard-hearted young men ever gathered together under one +roof. The original purpose of a "stag line" was to provide a +place where unattached young men might stand while searching for +a partner, but the institution has now come to be a form of +Supreme Court, passing life or death sentence upon the various +debutantes who pass before it. + +After you have piloted your partner five times along the length +of this line you have a pretty fair idea as to her merits or +demerits, and, in this particular case, you have a pretty fair +idea as to just what the evening holds out for you. When the +music stops you should therefore lead the girl over to a chair +and ask to be allowed to bring her a glass of punch. + +Instead of going directly to the punch bowl, you should turn your +steps toward the "stag line." There you will find several young +men whom only as late as that afternoon you counted among your +very best friends, but who do not, at the present, seem to +remember ever having met you before. Seizing the arm of one of +these you say, "Tom, I want you to meet----" That is as far as +you will get, for Tom will suddenly interrupt you by remarking, +"Excuse me a minute, Ed--, I see a girl over there I've simply +got to speak to. I'll come right back." + +He will not come right back. He will not come back at all. And +after you have met with the same response from four other +so-called friends, you should return to the South Orange visitor +and "carry on." + +At the end of the second hour, however, your mind should begin to +clear, and if you are at all possessed of the qualifications for +future ballroom leadership, you should gradually throw off the +slough of despond and determine to make a fight for life, liberty +and the pursuit of happiness. And when the music has once more +ceased, you should ask your partner if she would not care to take +a jaunt in the open air. + +"I know a lovely walk," you should say, "across a quaint old +bridge." + +The rest is, of course, easy. Arrived in the middle of the quaint +old bridge, which leads across a cavern some three hundred feet +deep, you should quickly seize the tall college graduate, and +push her, not too roughly or ungentlemanly, off the bridge. + +And, if you are really a genius, and not merely "one of the +crowd" you will return to the ballroom and, going up to the young +lady who was responsible for your having met the sweet girl from +South Orange, you will offer her your arm, and smile invitingly. + +"I know a lovely walk," you will say, "across a quaint old +bridge." + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg Etext Perfect Behavior by Donald Ogden Stewart + |