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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:44:32 -0700 |
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| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:44:32 -0700 |
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diff --git a/old/14452-8.txt b/old/14452-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..629b740 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14452-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1732 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 102, +April 16, 1892, by Various, Edited by F. C. Burnand + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 102, April 16, 1892 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: December 24, 2004 [eBook #14452] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 102, APRIL 16, 1892*** + + +E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Project Gutenberg +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 14452-h.htm or 14452-h.zip: + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/4/4/5/14452/14452-h/14452-h.htm) + or + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/4/4/5/14452/14452-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 102 + +APRIL 16, 1892 + + + + + + + +WRESTLING WITH WHISTLERS. + +(A REMINISCENCE OF A RECENT EXHIBITION.) + + SCENE--_The Goupil Gallery. Groups of more or less puzzled + Britons discovered, conscientiously endeavouring to do justice + to the Collection, having realised that Mr. WHISTLER's work + is now considered entitled to serious consideration, but + feeling themselves unable to get beyond a timid tolerance. + In addition to these, there are Frank Philistines who are + here with a fixed intention of being funny, Matrons with a + strongly domesticated taste in Art, Serious Elderly Ladies, + Literal Persons, &c., &c._ + +_A Lady_ (_after looking at a representation of Old Battersea +Bridge--in the tone of a person who feels she is making a liberal +concession_). Well, do you know, I must say that _isn't_ so bad. I +shouldn't so much mind having _that_ in the room, should you? + +[Illustration: A Brother Brush.] + +_Her Companion_ (_dubiously_). Well, I don't know. He's put a steamer +in. Should you think there _were_ steamers in--a--(_vaguely_)--those +days? + +_First Lady_ (_evidently considering Mr. WHISTLER capable of any +eccentricity_). Oh, I don't suppose he would mind _that_ much. + +_First Literal Person_ (_coming to the portrait of Miss ALEXANDER_). +Well--(_plaintively_)--he _might_ have put a nicer expression on the +child! + +_Second Do. Do._ Yes--very unpleasing. (_Refers to Catalogue._) Oh, +I see it says--"It is simply a disagreeable presentment of a +disagreeable young lady." + +_First Do. Do._ (_rejoicing that the painter has vindicated himself +this time_). Ah--that _explains_ it, then. Of course if he _meant_ +it--! + +_A Serious Elderly Lady._ There's one thing I must say I _do_ like, my +dear, and that's the way he puts down all the unfavourable criticisms +on his pictures. So straightforward and honest of him, _I_ call it. + +_Her Companion._ Yes, but I expect he can't help seeing how right and +sensible the critics are, you know. Still--(_charitably_)--it shows he +would do better if he _could_! + +_An Advanced Nephew_ (_who is endeavouring to convert a Philistine +Uncle to the superiority of the Modern School_). Now here, Uncle, +look at this. Look at the way the figure looms out of the canvas, look +at the learning in the simple sweep of the drapery, the _drawing_ of +it, and the masterly grace of the pose--you don't mean to tell me you +don't call _that_ a magnificent portrait? + +_His Uncle._ Who's it of? That's what _I_ want to know first. + +_Nephew_ (_coldly_). You will find it in the Catalogue, no doubt--No. +41. + +_Uncle_ (_looking it up_). "_Arrangement in Black. La Dame au +Brodequin Jaune._"--the lady in a yellow something or other. Tchah! +And not a word to tell you who she's supposed to _be_? If I pay a +shilling for a Catalogue, I expect to find information in it. And let +me ask you--where's the interest in looking at a portrait when you're +not told who it's intended for? + + [_The Nephew, not being prepared to answer this difficult + query, leads his relative gently up to a "Nocturne in Opal and + Silver." The Uncle conveys his opinion of it by a loud and + expressive snort._ + +_First Prosaic Person_ (_before No. 28_). Valparaiso, is it? +(_Hopefully._) Well, come, I _ought_ to recognise this--I've _been_ +there often enough. (_Inspecting it closely._) Ha--um! + +_Second P.P._ (_with languid interest_). Is it _like_? + +_First P.P._ I could tell you better if he'd done it by daylight. +I can't make out this in the front--looks to me like the top of a +_house_, or something. Don't remember _that_. + +_Second P.P._ I think it's meant for a jetty, landing-stage, or that +sort of thing, and, when you look _into_ it, there's something that +seems intended for people--_most_ extraordinary, isn't it? + +_The Domesticated Matron_ (_who is searching for a picture with a +subject to it_). There, CAROLINE, it's evidently a _harbour_, you see, +and ships, and they're letting off fireworks--probably for a regatta, +Does it tell you what it is in the Catalogue? + +_Caroline_ (_after consulting it_). It only says, "_A Nocturne in Blue +and Gold_"--oh yes--(_reading_)--"a splash and splutter of brightness, +on a black ground, to depict a display of fireworks." + +_Her Mother_ (_gratified at her own intelligence_). I thought it +_must_ be fireworks. He seems quite _fond_ of fireworks, doesn't he? + +_First Facetious Philistine._ Hullo, what have we got here? +"_Crepuscule, in Flesh-colour and Green._" Very _like_ one, too, +daresay--when you know what it is. + +_Second F.P._ As far as I can make it out, a Crepuscule's either a +Harmony inside out, or a Symphony upside down--it don't much matter. + +_A Lady_ (_who is laboriously trying to catch the right spirit_). +"_The Blue Wave at Biarritz_." Now I _do_ admire that. And what I like +even better than the Blue wave is this great Brown one breaking in the +foreground--so exactly _like_ water, isn't it, DICK? + +_Dick_ (_not a Whistlerite_). Y--yes--just. Only it's a rock, you +know. + +_The Lady._ But if that's the way he _saw_ it, DICK! + +_Dick._ Here's a thing! "_St. Mark's, Venice_." I'll _trouble_ you! +What's he done with the flagstaffs and the bronze horses and the +pigeons? _I_ never saw the place look like that. + +_The Lady._ Because it didn't happen to be _foggy_ while we were +there, that's all. + +_First Pros. Person._ Ah, there's old CARLYLE, you see! Dear me, what +a very badly fitting coat--see how it bulges over his chest! + +_Second P.P._ Yes. I daresay he buttoned the wrong button--philosopher +and all that sort o' thing, y'know. + +_First P.P._ (_sympathetically_). Well, I _do_ think WHISTLER might +have _told_ him of it! + +IN THE SECOND ROOM. + +_The Matron in Search of a Subject._ Ah, now, this really is more +_my_ idea of a picture. Quite a pretty _crétonne_ those curtains, +and there's a little girl reading a book, and a looking-glass with +reflections and all, and a young lady in a riding-habit--just going +out for a ride. + +_Caroline._ Yes. Mother. Or just come in from one. + +_Her Mother._ Do see what it's called. "_The Morning Canter_" or +"_Back from the Row_"--something of that kind, I _expect_ it would be. + +_Caroline._ All it says is, "_A Harmony in Green and Rose_." + +_The Mother_ (_disappointed_). Now, why can't he give it some +_sensible_ name, instead of taking away all one's interest! + +_The Phil. Uncle_ (_whom a succession of Symphonies and Harmonies has +irritated to the verge of fury_). Don't talk to me, Sir! Don't tell me +any of these things are pictures. Look at _this_--a young woman in an +outlandish dress sitting on the floor--on the bare floor!--in a litter +of Japanese sketches! And he has the confounded impertinence to call +it a "_Caprice_"--a "_Caprice in Purple and Gold_." _I_'d purple and +gold him, Sir, if I had _my_ way! Where's the _sense_ in such things? +What do they _teach_ you? What _story_ do they tell? Where's the +_human interest_ in them? Depend upon it, Sir, these things are +rubbish--sheer rubbish, according to all _my_ notions of Art, and I +think you'll allow I _ought_ to know something about it? + +_His Nephew_ (_provoked beyond prudence_). You certainly ought to know +more than _that_, my dear Unc--Are you going? + +_The Uncle_ (_grimly_). Yes--to see my Solicitor, Sir. (_To himself, +savagely._) That confounded young prig will find he's paid dear enough +for his precious Whistlers--if I don't have a fit in the cab! + + [_He goes; the Nephew wonders whether his attempt at + proselytising was quite worth while._ + +_A Seriously Elderly Lady._ I've no _patience_ with the man. Look +at GUTSTAVE DORÉ, now. I'm sure _he_ was a beautiful artist, if +you _like_. Did _he_ go and call his "_Leaving the Prætorium_" a +"Symphony" or a "Harmony," or any nonsense of that kind? Of course +not--and yet look at the _difference_! + +_An Impressionable Person_ (_carried away by the local influence--to +the Man at the wicket, blandly_). Could you kindly oblige me by +exchanging this "Note in Black and White" for an "Arrangement in +Silver and Gold"? + + [_Finds himself cruelly misunderstood, and suspected of + frivolity._ + + * * * * * + +PERSONAL PARAGRAPHS. + +The Rev. No. 354, writing from Dartmoor, requests us to inform +his numerous friends in Bath and elsewhere that his health is much +improved by the bracing air, and that he is occupied in revising for +the press his course of Sermons to the Young on the Moral Virtues. +He is also anxious to inform his creditors that his accounts are now +completely in order. It is a source of great comfort to him to reflect +that he was able to obtain considerable sums of money from his friends +in Bath, before he was obliged to leave that city, and that, with the +residue of this money, obtained so to speak from PETER, he will now +have the satisfaction of paying a farthing in the pound to PAUL, in +other words, to his creditors. + +Mrs. BRINVILLIERS was yesterday visited by her friends. Our readers +will be glad to know that she is quite well and has escaped the +influenza epidemic. + +Mr. ST. LEONARDS, with the consent of the Governor, takes this +opportunity of thanking the friends who have so kindly condoled with +him on the unavoidable interruption to his long and arduous work in +the service of his country. He hopes that nothing will prevent him +from displaying equal zeal in the still more arduous labour, which, +also for the benefit of his country, he is now compelled to undertake +for a certain period. + +Miss DODGER is still unwell. The HOME SECRETARY has not yet sent +instructions for a special drawing-room to be fitted up in the prison, +nor has he, up till now, given any permission for Miss DODGER's +afternoon receptions, and five o'clock teas. It is generally +considered that the probability of his doing so, without a Special Act +of Parliament, is still very remote. + + * * * * * + +BROKEN BONDS. + + ["I learn from St. Petersburg, that, last Saturday, + conferences were begun between Russia and Germany on the + admission of the former to the new commercial treaties."--_The + Times Paris Correspondent on "Russia and the Central + Commercial League."_] + +_La Belle France, the Forsaken One, loquitur_:-- + + What do I hear? Oh, do I hear aright, + Over the garden wall? + My latest love, my gallant Muscovite, + Is this the end, this all? + My heartbeats fast, a mist obscures my sight. + Support me, or I fall! + + What can he mean? Whatever is she at?-- + Ah! well I know _her_ game! + GERMANIA is a vile coquette, a cat. + Seducing my new flame + With mercenary lures, and low at that! + It is a cruel shame! + + But six short months ago and I to him + Indeed seemed all in all. + A stalwart lover, though _tant soit peu_ grim, + I fancied him my thrall. + And was it after all pretence, or whim? + Oh, prospect, to appal! + + I know my envious rivals said as much,[1] + But that I deemed their spite, + Was't but my money he desired to clutch? + I lent it--with delight! + Were his mere venal vows? His bonds but such + As SAMSON snapped at sight? + + See how she purrs, false puss! She deems her _dot_ + May well out-glitter mine. + And he! That slow seductive smile I know. + At Cronstadt by the brine, + To that dear dulcet voice, not long ago, + My ears did I incline. + + Ah! and those fine moustachios' conquering curl + Subdued my maiden heart. + For me those tendril-tips he'd twist and twirl, + Looking so gay, so smart; + And now he does it for another girl, + And I--I stand apart. + + Did I not give my heart to him--false one!-- + And also--well, my "stocking"? + Nor after her "commercial" charms he'll run, + My modest beauties mocking. + Hist! I believe of me they're making fun! + _O Ciel_! 'tis simply shocking! + + Hist! I can hear her, the sly cat. How fond + Her glances bold and bright! + Her bag is brimming, mine's a broken bond. + I dreamed not me he'd slight + For such mere bagman beauty, tamely blonde, + But--ah! _was_ BLOWITZ right? + + [_Left doubting._ + +[Footnote 1: "The success of a Russian Loan is not dearly purchased by +a little effusion, which, after all, commits Russia to nothing." (See +Cartoon "Turning the Tables," Sept. 26, 1891.)] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A TERRIBLE THREAT. + +Impatient Old Gentleman (to Female Post-Office Assistant, who is +chatting pleasantly with an agreeable acquaintance). "LOOK HERE, +YOUNG WOMAN, IF YOU DON'T GIVE ME MY CHANGE, CONFOUND IT, I'M HANGED +IF I DON'T GO AWAY _WITHOUT IT_!"] + + * * * * * + +DR. VAUGHAN, of Salford, is to be the New Roman Catholic Archbishop of +Westminster. He is a bright cheerful-looking man now, but it is to +be feared that the extra toil and trouble of London may soon give his +features a Care-Vaughan expression. + + * * * * * + +THE BOUNDS OF SCIENCE. + +(FRAGMENT FROM A FIN DE MONDE ROMANCE.) + +The Student had read many things, but he had not yet considered +the subject of Coal. He knew that it was expensive, but he had not +imagined that there was so little in the world. But he at length +obtained the requisite knowledge, and set to work to put things +to-rights. He called upon the Secretary of a Transatlantic Ocean +Steamer Company, and remonstrated with him upon the waste with which +the transactions of his institution were conducted. + +"You carry your passengers too rapidly," he observed. + +"As how?" asked the Secretary. + +"Why I am given to understand that the power generated by the coal +gives each person on board your ships a rate of progression night and +day of twenty-four horses." + +"And, if it does--what then?" + +"Why, it is too much," returned the Student. "All the coal in the +world will be exhausted in something like four or five hundred years; +and so, while there is yet time, I had better go somewhere where coal +is a secondary consideration. What shall I do?" + +And then the Secretary advised the Student to take a ticket to the +Centre of Africa--and the Student followed his advice. But the day +before the boat started, the Student once more appeared. + +"I am afraid," said he, "I must ask you for the return of my money. I +find that it will be useless for me to go to the Centre of Africa, as +the Sun is about to cease giving warmth." + +"Dear me!" cried the Secretary, "I was under the impression that the +Sun was timed to last about one hundred millions of years?" + +"It may have been in the far distant past," returned the Student, +sadly, "but recent statistics fix the termination of the Sun's +existence at a much nearer date. There is no doubt that the Sun +will not last more than four millions of years, or five millions at +longest. Now give me my money!" + +And (of course) the bullion was promptly returned. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BROKEN BONDS. + +_La France_. "IS IT POSSIBLE!--BUT SIX MONTHS AGO!--AND NOW--"] + + * * * * * + +LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS. + +NO. XII.--TO PLAUSIBILITY. + +DEAR OLD PLAU, + +Hear you have been seen about again with GENIALITY. Poor GENIALITY, it +may be admitted, is often something of a fool when he is by himself, +but when you and he begin to hunt in couples, you are a deadly +pair. I once knew a St. Bernard dog--you will perceive the analogy +by-and-by--who lived on terms of friendship with a Skye terrier. +By himself _Rufus_ was a mild and inoffensive giant. He adored the +house-cat, and used to help her, in a ponderous way, with the care +of her numerous family. Many a time have I seen him placidly extended +before a fire, while puss used his shaggy body as a sleeping box, and +once he was observed to help that anxious tabby-mother with the toilet +of her kittens by licking them carefully all over. At every lick of +_Rufus's_ huge prehensile tongue a kitten was lifted bodily into the +air, only, however, to descend washed and unharmed to the ground. But +out of doors, in the society of _Flick, Rufus's_ whole nature seemed +to change. He became a demon-exterminator of cats. Led on by his +yelping little friend, he chased them fiercely to their last retreats, +and, if he caught them, masticated them without mercy. Once too, on +a morning that had been appointed for a big covert-shoot, I noticed +this strangely assorted pair come into the breakfast-room panting and +dirty. They were not usually afoot before breakfast. What could their +condition mean? A flustered keeper arrived shortly afterwards and +explained everything. "Them two dogs o' yourn, Sir," he said, "the big +'un and the little 'un, 'ave run all the coverts through. There's not +a pheasant left in 'em. They're sailin' all over the country." + +[Illustration] + +The truth was that _Flick_ had organised the expedition with +extraordinary secrecy and cunning. He had persuaded _Rufus_ to join +him, and the result was that we shot forty pheasants instead of the +three hundred on which we had counted. + +Now, my dear PLAU, I merely record this little story, and leave you +to apply it. But I may remind you of incidents that touch you more +nearly. Do you remember GORTON? Many years ago GORTON went to Oxford +with a brilliant reputation. Every triumph that the University could +confer was held to be within his grasp. His contemporaries looked +upon him as a marvellous being, who was destined to rise to the top +of whatever tree he felt disposed to climb. He was really a delightful +fellow, fresh, smiling, expansive, amusing, and his friends all +worshipped him. Of course he went in for the Hertford. His success was +certain; it was merely a question as to who should be second. On the +evening before the examination began, there was a strange commotion in +GORTON's College. GORTON, who was supposed to have been reading hard, +was found at about twelve o'clock in the quad in his nightgown. He was +on all fours, and was engaged in eating grass and roaring out ribald +snatches of Latin songs in a shrill voice. When the porter approached +him he said he was a hippogriff, and that in another ten minutes he +intended to fly to Iffley and back in half a second. He was carried +up to bed raving horribly. On the following day he grew calmer, and +in a week he was himself again. But by that time, of course, the +examination was over, and DUBBIN was soon afterwards announced as the +successful competitor. + +Judging the past by what I know now, I cannot doubt that the madness +of GORTON was what patrons of the prize-ring call a put-up job, for +he never afterwards showed the smallest symptom of lunacy. He had not +worked sufficiently, and knew he must fail. So he became temporarily +insane, to avoid defeat and maintain his reputation for scholarship. +He left Oxford without taking a degree, and owing money right and +left--to tradesmen, to his friends, to his tutor. Then he disappeared +for some years. + +Next he suddenly cropped up again in Ireland. A small borough +constituency had been suddenly declared vacant. GORTON happened to be +staying in the hotel. He promptly offered himself as a candidate, and +plunged with extraordinary vigour into the contest. The way that man +fooled a simple-hearted Irish electorate was marvellous. They came to +believe him to be a millionnaire, a king of finance, a personage at +whose nod Statesmen trembled, a being who mingled with all that was +highest and best in the land. He cajoled them, he flattered them, he +talked them round his little finger, he rollicked with them, opened +golden vistas of promise to everyone of them, smiled at their wives, +defied the Lord Lieutenant, and was elected by a crushing majority +over a native pork-merchant who had nothing but his straightforward +honesty to commend him. Of course there was a petition, and equally +of course GORTON was unseated. Then came the reckoning. GORTON had +apparently intimated that two of the great London political Clubs were +so warmly interested in his candidature as to have undertaken to pay +all his expenses. But when application was made to these institutions, +their secretaries professed a complete and chilling ignorance of +GORTON, and the deputation from Ballywhacket, which had gone to London +in search of gold, had to return empty-handed to their native place, +after wasting a varied stock of full-flavoured Irish denunciation on +the London pavements. But GORTON was undaunted. He actually published +an address in which he lashed the hateful ingratitude of men +who betrayed their friends with golden words, and abandoned them +shamefully in the hour of defeat. But never, so he said, would he +abandon the betrayed electors of Ballywhacket. Others might shuffle, +and cheat and cozen, but he might be counted upon to remain firm, +faithful, and incorruptible amidst the seething waves of political +turpitude. + +Having issued this, he vanished again, and was heard of no more for +six or seven years. Then he gradually began to emerge again. He was +engaged in the completion of an immense work of genealogical research, +which was intended to cast an entirely new light on many obscure +incidents of English history. For this he solicited encouragement--and +subscriptions. He enclosed with his appeals some specimen pages, which +appeared to promise marvels of industry and research. His preface +was a wonderful essay, of which a HAYWARD would scarcely have +been ashamed. In this way he gathered a large amount of money from +historical enthusiasts with more ardour than knowledge, and from old +friends who, knowing his real ability, believed that he had at last +determined to justify the opinions of him which they had always held +and expressed. It is unnecessary to add that not another line was +written. For several years ill health was supposed to hinder him. We +read piteous stories of his struggles against the agonies of neuralgia +and rheumatics, some of us threw good money after bad in the effort to +relieve the imaginary sufferer; but to this day the proofs of PERKIN +WARBECK's absolute claim to the throne, and of JACK CADE's indubitable +royal descent remain in the scheming brain of GORTON. Eventually the +poor wretch did die in penury, but over that part of his story I need +not linger. The irony of fate ordained that when he was actually in +want he should wish to be thought in possession of a large income. + +I knew a Clergyman once--at least I had every reason to believe him +to be a lawfully ordained Minister of the Church of England. He was +taken on as temporary Curate in a remote district. His life, while he +remained there, was exemplary. He was untiring in good works; the poor +adored him, the well-to-do honoured him. We all thought him a pattern +of unselfish and almost primitive saintliness, and when he departed +from us he went with a silver inkstand, a dining-room clock and a +purse of sovereigns, subscribed for by the parish. The odour of his +sanctity had scarcely evaporated before we discovered, with horror, +that the man had never been ordained at all! He was an impostor, +masquerading under an assumed name, but while he was with us he did +good and lived a flawless life. These matters puzzle me. Perhaps you, +my dear PLAU, can explain. + +Yours, DIOGENES ROBINSON. + + * * * * * + +A RATHER LARGE ORDER.--Amongst the many suggested plans for housing +the collection of pictures once offered by Mr. TATE to the Nation, is +a scheme for turning the Banqueting-hall at Whitehall to a useful and +good account. As a thoughtful Artist has observed in this connection, +"At this moment the spacious building is tied round the necks of the +Members of the United Service Institution like a white elephant." + + * * * * * + +A MONEY-LENDER said he had never been inside a Church since the day +he looked in at hymn-time, and heard them singing, "With one per cent. +let all the earth," and he didn't want to hear anymore. + + * * * * * + +TRYING TO THE TEMPER.--Mrs. R. says nothing can induce her to eat +cross buns, as they are sure to disagree with her. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TRIALS AT THE LAW COURTS. + +A TIMID BUT ERUDITE "LEADER" IS URGED TO TAKE A "BAD OBJECTION."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +All who are interested in the theatrical celebrities of past times +will do well to read a brief, indeed, a too brief paper, about DOROTHY +JORDAN, written by FITZGERALD MOLLOY, for _The English Illustrated +Magazine_ of this month. The Baron does not remember if THACKERAY +touched on the story of this talented Actress in his Lectures on "_The +Four Georges_;" but the sad finish to the brilliant career of Mrs. +JORDAN could hardly have escaped the great Satirist as being one +instance, among many, illustrating the wise King's advice as to "not +putting your trust in Princes;" "or," for the matter of that, and in +fairness, it must be added, "in any child of man." Poor DOROTHY, or +DOLLY JORDAN! but now a Queen of "Puppets," and now--thus, a mere +rag-dolly. Ah, CLARENCE!--"False, fleeting, perjured CLARENCE!" as +SHAKSPEARE wrote of that other Duke in Crookback'd RICHARD's time, for +whom the "ifs" and "ands" of life were resolved for ever in a final +"butt." + +In the issue for 1891 of that most interesting yearly Annual, _The +Book-Worm_, for which the Baron, taking it up now and again, blesses +ELLIOT STOCK, of Paternoster Row, there is a brief but interesting +account of _The Annexed Prayer-Book_, which, after some curious +chances and changes, was at last ordered to be photographed page by +page, without being removed from the custody of Black Rod. "By means +of an elaborate system of reflecting," the process of photographing +was carried on in the House of Lords. It is satisfactory to all +Book-worms to know that so important a work was not undertaken without +even more than the usual amount of reflection. + +THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +THE HAMLET IN THE HAYMARKET. + +With Mr. TREE's impersonation of _Hamlet_ most London playgoers +are by this time acquainted, though not yet familiar. It is a +most interesting performance, especially to those who remember +the inauguration of startling new departures by CHARLES FECHTER. +The question for every fresh _Hamlet_ must always be, "How can I +differentiate my _Hamlet_ from all previous _Hamlets_? What can I +do that nobody has as yet thought of doing?" "To be or not to be" +_Hamlet_, "that is the question"; whether 'tis better continuously to +suffer the tortures of uncertainty as to what you might have achieved +had you essayed the part, or to take up the study of it, and ceasing +to shiver on the bank, leave off your damnable faces, and plunge in? +Mr. TREE has plunged, and is going on swimmingly. + +Mrs. TREE's _Ophelia_ sane, is charming. Her distraught _Ophelia_ is +very mad indeed, and her method in her madness is excellent. + +[Illustration: "I am thy Father's Ghost!"] + +There is a curious monotony in some of the stage-business. Thus, +_Ophelia_ pauses in her exit and comes up quietly behind the +absent-minded Prince as if to play bo-peep with him: then, later on, +after his apparently brutal treatment of her, _Hamlet_ returns, and, +while he is stooping and in tears, he kisses her hair and runs away +noiselessly as if this also were another part of the same game. Then +again, in the Churchyard, after the scandalous brawling (brought +about by the stupid ignorance of a dunderheaded ecclesiastic, to whose +Bishop _Laertes_ ought to have immediately reported him), _Hamlet_ +returns to weep and throw flowers into the grave. Now excellent +"returns" are dear to the managerial heart, and consoling to his +pocket, when they attest the overflowing attendance of "friends in +front;" but when "returns" are on the stage, their excellence may be +questioned on the score of monotony. Now, as to the Churchyard Scene, +permit me to make a suggestion:--the Second Gravedigger has been +commissioned by the First Gravedigger, with money down, to go to a +neighbouring publican of the name of YAUGHAN, pronounced Yogan or +Yawn,--probably the latter, on account either of his opening his mouth +wide, or of his being a sleepy-headed fellow,--and fetch a stoop of +liquor. Now, when all the turmoil is over, the remaining gravedigger +would at once set to work, as in fact he does in this scene at the +Haymarket; but here he just shovels a handful of mould into the grave, +and then, without rhyme or reason (with both of which he has been +plentifully supplied by SHAKSPEARE), suddenly away he goes, merely to +allow for the "business" of _Hamlet's_ re-entrance. But why shouldn't +there be here, prior to the return of _Hamlet_, a re-entrance of the +Second Gravedigger, as if coming back from friend YAUGHAN's with +the pot of ale? The sight of this would attract First Gravedigger, +and take the thirsty soul most readily from his work to discuss +the refreshment in some shady nook. Then by all means let _Hamlet_ +return to pour out his grief; and on this picture ought the Curtain +effectively descend. + +A novel point introduced by Mr. TREE is that his _Hamlet_, +entertaining an affectionate remembrance of the late YORICK, assumes a +friendly and patronising air towards YORICK's successor, a Court Fool, +apparently so youthful that he may still be supposed to be learning +his business. So when His Royal Highness _Hamlet_ has what he +considers "a good thing" to say, Mr. TREE places the novice in jesting +near himself, and pointedly speaks at him; as e.g., when, in reply to +the King's inquiry after his health, he tells him that he "eats air +promise-crammed," adding, with a sly look at the Court Fool, "you +cannot feed capons so." Whereat the Fool, put into a difficult +position, through his fear of offending the Prince by _not_ laughing, +or angering the King (his employer) by laughing, has to acknowledge +the Prince's witticism with a deferential, but somewhat deprecatory, +snigger. + +Again, when _Hamlet_ is "going to have a lark" with old _Polonius_--a +proceeding in exquisitely bad taste by the way--Mr. TREE's _Hamlet_ +attracts the young Court Jester's attention to his forthcoming +novelty. Now this time, as the repartee is about as rude a thing +as any vulgar cad of an 'ARRY might have uttered, the professional +Jester, who evidently does not owe his appointment to the Lord +Chamberlain's favour, and is exempt from his jurisdiction, grins +all over his countenance, and hops away to explain the jest to some +of the courtiers, while _Hamlet_ himself, to judge by his smiling +countenance, is clearly very much pleased with his own performance +in showing a Jester how the fool should be played. And this notion +is consistent with the character of a Prince who takes upon himself +to lecture the Actors on their own art. There is no subtler touch in +SHAKSPEARE's irony than his putting these instructions to players +in the mouth of a noble amateur. Of the revival, as a whole, one +may truthfully say, _Ça donne à penser_, and, indeed, the study of +_Hamlet_ is inexhaustible. + + * * * * * + +WITH THEIR EASTER EGGS. + +_The Emp-r-r of G-rm-ny._--Presentation copy of the light and leading +satirical English Paper. + +_The Cz-r of R-ss-a._--Letter of regret from President C-RN-T. + +_The Pr-s-d-nt of the Fr-nch R-p-bl-c._--Secretly-obtained copy of +proposed treaty for a Quadruple Alliance. + +_The K-ng of It-ly._--Scheme for a _modus vivendi_. + +_The P-pe._--Duplicate copy of ditto. + +_Ch-nc-ll-r C-pr-vi._--Permit for leave of absence. + +_Pr-nce V-n B-sm-rck._--A song, "_The Return of the Pilot_." + +_The M-rq-s of S-l-sb-ry._--Date of the General Election. + +_The Ch-nc-ll-r of the Exch-q-r._--Comments on the Budget. + +_F-rst L-rd of the Tr-s-ry._--New rules for the game of Golf. + +_Rt. Hon. W.E. Gl-dst-ne._--Set of Diaries for the next twenty years. + +_The P-t L-r-te._--The Order of "The Foresters." + +_The Oxf-rd E-ght._--The Blue Riband of the Thames. + +_S-r A-g-st-s Dr-r-l-n-s._--A month's well-deserved rest. + +_N-b-dy in P-rt-c-l-r._--A legacy of £100,000. + +_Ev-ryb-dy in G-n-r-l._--Rates and taxes. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SO FRIVOLOUS! + +_Wife_. "SOLOMON, I HAVE A BONE TO PICK WITH YOU." + +_Solomon_ (_flippantly_). "WITH PLEASURE, MY DEAR, SO LONG AS IT'S A +FUNNY BONE!"] + + * * * * * + +THE DYNAMITE DRAGON. + + A dragon! Faugh! that foul and writhing Worm + Seems scarcely worthy of the ancient term + That fills old myth, and typifies the fight + 'Twixt wrathful evil and the force of right. + The dragons of the prime, fierce saurian things + With ogre gorges and with harpy wings, + Fitted their hour; the haunts that gave them birth, + The semi-chaos of the early earth, + The slime, the earthquake shock, the whelming flood, + Made battle ground for the colossal brood. + But now, when centuries of love and light + Have warmed and brightened man's old home; when might + Is not all sinister, nor all desire + Fierce appetite, that all-devouring fire,-- + When life is not alone a wasting scourge, + But from the swamps of soulless strife emerge + Some Pisgah peaks of promise where the dove + Finds footing, high the whirling gulfs above,-- + Now the intrusion of this loathly shape, + With pestilence-breathing jaws that blackly gape + For indiscriminate prey, is sure a thing + To set celestial guards once more a-wing; + To fire a new St. Michael or St. George + With the bright death to cleave the monster's gorge, + And trample out the Laidly Worm's last breath + In the convulsions of reluctant death. + A crawling, craven, sneaking, snaking brute; + Purposeless spite, and hatred absolute, + In hideous shape incarnate! Venomed Gad + In Civilisation's path; malignant-mad, + And blindly biting; raising an asp-neck + In Beauty's foot-tracks, and prepared to wreck + The ordered work of ages in a day, + To raze and shatter, to abase and slay. + Blind as the earthquake, headlong as the storm, + Yet in such hideous subter-human form, + Vulgar as venomous! Dragon indeed, + And dangerous, but with no soul save greed, + No aim save chaos. Bloody, yet so blind, + The common enemy of humankind; + Whose age-stored works and ways it yearns to blast, + To smite to ruined fragments, and to cast + Prone--as itself is prone--in common dust. + The Beautiful, the Wise, the Strong, the Just, + All fruit of labour, and all spoil of thought, + All that co-operant Man hath won or wrought, + All that the heart has loved, the mind has taught + Through the long generations, hoarded gains + Of plastic fancies, and of potent brains; + Thrones, Temples, Marts, Art's alcoves, Learning's domes, + Patrician palaces, and _bourgeois_ homes. + Down, down!--to glut _its_ spleen, the paltry thing, + Impotent, save to lurk, and coil, and spring, + But powerful as the poison-drop, once sped, + That creeps, corrupts, and leaves its victim--dead! + As the asp's fang could turn to pulseless clay + The Pride of Egypt, so this Worm can slay + If left long covert for its crawling course. + Up, up against it every virile force, + And every valorous virtue! By its hiss + 'Tis known _hostis humani generis_, + Let Civilisation snatch St. Michael's sword, + And slay this Dragon, of a tribe abhorred + The meanest and the most malignant Worm + Which can spill venom, but, attacked, will squirm, + Shrink, splutter, vanish. With no noble end, + All men must be its foes, blind hatred its sole friend! + + * * * * * + +BREAKING. + + [In his spot-barred Billiard-Match with H. COLES, PEALL made + breaks of 108, 133, 64, 52, 78, 77, and 80.] + + Break, break, break + On thy Billiard-board, oh P.! + As easy as cutting butter + The business seems to thee. + + "Oh, well that the spot is barred," + The knowing ones glibly say, + "Or we might get no chance + Of a COLES' strike here to-day." + + And the marvellous game goes on. + Till the watchers have their fill; + And one drops off, and dreams + He's taken the "Red" for a pill. + + Break, break, break! + And there's one that will broken be; + For the Pony I put on the other man + Will never come back to me. + + * * * * * + +SUGGESTION FROM "CHILDE HAROLD" AT OLYMPIA.--"I stood in Venice on the +Bridge of Size And paint," &c., &c. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE DYNAMITE DRAGON.] + + * * * * * + +ON THE FIRST GREEN CHAIR. + +[Illustration: Thursday, April 7. Hyde Park. Mid-day.] + + Reach it, attendant; wicked winter flies off: + Place it with pomp for me to sit and stare + Up at the sun who banquets us with cries of + "Chair!" + + Long have we pined in darkness most uncanny: + Now to Hyde Park return its gauze of gold, + Jewels of crocus and enhancements mani- + -fold. + + Welcome, delicious zephyr, blithe new-comer, + Urging to purchase patent-leather boots, + Hats of a virgin glossiness, and summer + suits. + + Welcome, attire of carnival-carousers, + Suddenly bursting on the 'wildered view. + Mine--I don't mind confessing it--are trousers + new, + + These that, serene in atmosphere serenest, + Droop o'er a Chair, whose emerald taunts the trees-- + Green are the leaves, and greener than the greenest + Peas! + + All things must end: to-morrow may be icy: + Wither too soon the joys that freshest are; + End will sweet summer reveries, and my ci- + gar. + + Ends too that master-piece of Messrs. HYAM + Bashfully hinted at in line sixteen; + Green was the Chair I sat on--and now _I_ am + green! + + * * * * * + +"ALL'S (FAIRLY) WELL." + + SCENE--_The War Office. Sanctum of the COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF. + H.R.H. is seated on a chair. To him enter (after being + properly complimented by a couple of Grenadiers on guard + over an area) INSPECTOR-GENERAL OF EVERYTHING, Field-Marshal + PUNCH._ + +_Inspector-General_ (_sharply_). Well, Sir! (_COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF comes +briskly to attention_.) No, your Royal Highness, you can be seated. +I don't want to disturb you--much! And now, how is the Easter Review +getting on? + +_Com.-in-Chief_. First-rate, Sir. Excellent, Sir! Couldn't be better, +Sir! + +_Insp.-Gen._ (_dryly_). I have heard those phrases before, your Royal +Highness--especially "couldn't be better"--and found subsequently that +things ought to have been better, very much better, Sir. + +_Com.-in-Chief_ (_anxiously_). But I assure you, Sir, that this time +we are doing our level best. Why, Sir, fancy, we are going to have +thirty thousand men under arms! Think of that, Sir--thirty thousand +men! + +_Insp.-Gen._ About the numbers of a German Brigade, or is it a +Regiment? + +_Com.-in-Chief_ (_with a forced laugh_). Come, Sir, I see you are +joking! Yes, thirty thousand men, and some of them are going down +fully equipped. Why, for instance, the Artists will march the +whole way to the scene of the operations with their own regimental +transport! And so will the 1st London Engineers. Think of that, Sir! + +_Insp.-Gen._ And how much have you gentlemen here had to do with that, +Sir? Why, the Volunteers would have been left in a state of utter +unpreparedness had not the public taken the initiative. What did the +War Office and the Horse Guards do towards giving them their kit? + +_Com.-in-Chief_. Well, it is all right now, Sir. And we are going +to have a splendid time of it. The idea is that a hostile force has +landed at Deal during the early hours of Monday morning, and-- + +_Insp.-Gen._ (_interrupting_). Yes, I have read all that in the +papers. But come, tell me who is to command? + +_Com.-in.-Chief_ (_rather taken aback_). Well, Sir, the customary +crew. I suppose BILLY SEYMOUR. + +_Insp. Gen._ (_severely_). I presume, your Royal Highness, that you +refer to General Lord WILLIAM SEYMOUR, who will be in command at +Dover. + +_Com.-in-Chief_ (_abashed_). Certainly, Sir. You are a little +particular to-day, Sir. + +_Insp. Gen._ (_gravely_). I am always particular--very +particular--when I have to deal with the Volunteers. Well, Sir, +General Lord WILLIAM SEYMOUR, commands at Dover--proceed, Sir; pray +proceed. + +_Com.-in-Chief_. Then, Sir, there's General GOODENOUGH at Maidstone, +and General DAWSON-SCOTT at Chatham. + +_Insp.-Gen._ Is he a Volunteer? + +_Com.-in-Chief_ (_laughing_). Why no, Sir; of course not, Sir. Why +he's in the Royal Engineers. Although in my Crimean days we never +considered Sappers soldiers. We used to say that-- + +_Insp.-Gen._ (_severely_). No levity, Sir. And pray who else is to be +in command? + +_Com.-in-Chief_. Well, Sir, I shall be present myself on Saturday, and +then take the March-past on Monday. + +_Insp.-Gen._ Yes; but how about the Volunteers? What about them? Why +don't you let the officers command their own men? + +_Com.-in-Chief_. Why, Sir, you see in time of war-- + +_Insp.-Gen._ (_interrupting_). You would find Volunteer officers as +capable as any others. Your Royal Highness has no doubt studied the +lessons taught by the war between the Northerners and the Southerners +in America? + +_Com.-in-Chief_. I have glanced at the subject, Sir, at the Royal +United Service Institute. And may I venture to hope that you are +satisfied, Sir? + +_Insp.-Gen._ (_after a pause_). Well, yes, I think you are doing +better. But, in future, give a share of the command to Volunteers _pur +et simple_. And now just jot down what I have further to say to you. + + [_Scene closes in upon the COM.-IN-CHIEF taking notes._ + + * * * * * + +CONNECTED WITH THE PRESS. + +At a recent meeting of the Institute of Journalists, it was proposed +that future candidates for membership should undergo an examination +to test their qualifications before election. Should the proposal +be adopted, no doubt some such paper as the following will be set +to those desirous of obtaining the right of adding "M.I.J." to their +names. + +1. Would you as a Reporter venture to use such expressions as +"devouring element" or "destructive fluid" in sending in "flimsy" to a +London Daily Paper? State when you would consider yourself entitled to +describe yourself "a Special." + +2. What are the rights of a Journalist at a free luncheon? If an +Editor finds himself present, should he return thanks for the Press +himself, or leave that duty in the hands of a bumptious Reporter. + +3. Write an essay upon the Law of Libel, and say when a paper, (1) +should apologise, (2) fight it out, and, (3) settle it out of Court. + +4. Define the difference between a "comment of public importance" and +a "puffing advertisement." + +5. What is "log-rolling?" Give examples to illustrate the meaning of +the word. + +6. Show, concisely, why the World could not revolve without the +Press, and why the Press would cease to be without your own personal +assistance. + + * * * * * + +UPON JULIA'S COAT. + +(AFTER HERRICK.) + +[Illustration: LENTEN FASHION. + +Sack-Coat, nearest approach to Sackcloth, for Lent.] + + Whenas my JULIA wears a sack, + That hides the outline of her back, + I cry, in sore distress, "Alack!" + She showed a dainty waist when dressed + In jacket; true, the size confessed + That whalebone had its shape compressed. + Still was her form sweet as her face, + But now what change has taken place! + This "sack coat" hides all maiden grace. + Although men's clothes are always vile, + The coat, the trousers and the "tile"! + Some sense still lingers in each style. + But women's garments should be fair, + All graceful, gay and debonair. + And if they lack good sense, why care? + O JULIA, cease to wear a sack, + A garb all artists should attack, + In which both sense and beauty lack! + + * * * * * + +DRINKS AND DRAMAS. + + ("HENRY THE EIGHTH is a Soda-water Play."--Mr. Irving's + Evidence before the Committee.) + +Mr. Irving has now completed his list of refreshments suited to +performances. They can be obtained, like Mr. GOSCHEN's reserve of +shillings, "on application," which does not mean gratis. + +_Macbeth_.--Very fine old Scotch. + +_Hamlet_.--Bitters. + +_Romeo and Juliet_.--Rum and Milk. + +_Othello_.--Dublin Stout. + +_Merchant of Venice_.--Port(1 A.). + +_Charles the First_.--Bottled Ale (with a fine head). + +_The Cup_.--Tea. + +_Faust_.--Ginger Brandy. + +_Much Ado About Nothing_.--Benedictine. + +_Corsican Brothers_.--Half-and-half. + + * * * * * + +A BERLIN CITIZEN'S DIARY. + +(TRANSLATED BY OUR FIRST STANDARD BOARD SCHOLAR.) + + ["It is stated that the soldier who, on Friday last, fired + at and killed a man who threatened him while on sentry duty + before the barracks in the Wrangel-strasse, Berlin, has been + promoted to the rank of corporal, for what is described as his + correct conduct on the occasion. The passerby, who was wounded + at the same time, still lies in a precarious condition."--_St. + James's Gazette_, April 6.] + +_April 1._--I go walking near barracks; see man looking quietly at +building. Suddenly fires the sentry with his long distance rifle, so +that the straight onward through the harmless onlooker's heart and +through my never sufficiently to be regretted right arm passing bullet +in the remote distance a child kills. Long live our good Emperor and +his glorious army! Carried home insensible. + +_June 1._--At last am I from arm-amputation recovered and walk again +out. The sentry was for his on the first April quite courageous act to +be Sergeant promoted. Here comes a Sergeant! He is it! Look curiously +at him whereupon he me in the leg shoots. Long live our Emperor! Again +carried home. + +_Sept. 1._--Again out, in invalid chair, meet same man, now +Lieutenant. I murmur sadly, "Ah, my friend, I gave you a leg-up +indeed!" Then he, saying that I him insulted have, my remaining arm +with his sword off cuts. I respect our Emperor, but I love not his +soldiers now. Must hire an amanuensis. + +_January 1._--After my long illness go I once again, Unter den Linden, +in my invalid chair--that is to say, what is left of me. My enemy is +now a Colonel. Shall I him again see? Heaven forbid! Alas, he comes +even now, with those weapons which so rapidly him increase, and me +diminish! I say nothing, but he, seeing me, with his sword my last +limb off cuts. I love not even our Emperor now. + +_May 1._--To-day is the Socialists' Day, and I can once more +out-dragged be. I am now a without legs or arms Socialist. My enemy +can be promoted now only by my body. He has become a General and +Count--(_Here the Diary ends abruptly._) + +"_Berlin, May 2._--Yesterday an unfortunate Gentleman, without arms or +legs, when passing the Royal Palace in his invalid chair, was attacked +by a distinguished officer, who ran his sword through the heart of +the unoffending civilian. The assassin was immediately promoted, as is +usual in such cases, and is now Field Marshal Prince BLUTUNDRUHM VON +SCHLACHTHAUSEN."--_London Daily Papers._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CULTURE. + +SCENE--A Private Picture Gallery. + +Noble Sportsman (opposite choice example of Canaletto). "I SAY, BY +JOVE, I SEE YOU'VE GOT A PICTURE OF OLYMPIA HERE!"] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +[Illustration: Alpheus Cleophas.] + +House of Commons, Monday, April 4.--ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS has adde +a new terror to Parliamentary life. It is bad enough to have him +unexpectedly rising from a customary seat; usually finds a place on +top Bench below Gangway, whence, in days that are no more, NEWDEGATE +used to lament fresh evidences of Papal ascendancy. House grown +accustomed to hearing the familiar voice from this accustomed spot. +To-night, conversation on question of Privilege been going forward for +some time. Seemed about to reach conclusion, when suddenly, far below +the Gangway in Irish quarter, ominous sound broke on startled ear. + +[Illustration: Personal Conductor.] + +At first all eyes turned to NEWDEGATE's old quarters; but the voice +evidently did not proceed thence. Following the sound, Members came +upon ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS breaking out in a fresh place. Otherwise, +all the same; the flat-toned voice, the imperturbable manner that +awaits cessation of storm of obloquy, and then completes interrupted +sentence; the conviction that somebody (generally the Government) +is acting dishonestly, and needs a watchful eye kept upon him; +the information conveyed that the Eye is now turned on--all were +there, each identified ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS. Up again and again during +preliminary discussion, always shouted at, and ever quietly waiting +till noise has subsided, when he finishes the interrupted sentence, +and begins another. + +_Business done._--In Committee on Small Holdings. + +_Tuesday._--Happy circumstance in the history of all Administrations +that there is never lacking a friend on their own side to keep them +on the right path. RADCLIFFE COOKE suddenly developed tendency towards +personally conducting the Government. Hitherto appeared as a docile +follower. New state of affairs arose in connection with Breach of +Privilege by Cambrian Railway Directors. HICKS-BEACH last night gave +notice to take into consideration Special Report of Select Committee +charging Directors with Breach of Privilege. BEACH proposed to wait +awhile till "the other side" had got up a case or two, to show that +if Masters were prone to punish their Servants for giving inconvenient +evidence on question of Hours of Labour, the Servants were no better +when they had power to inflict + +[Illustration: WANTED, A FIGURE REPRESENTATIVE OF THE LONDON COUNTY +COUNCIL. + +SOME OF THE SUGGESTIONS SENT IN TO MR. PUNCH.] + +on each other similar punishment. BEACH made his proposal in +matter-of-fact way, anticipating general concurrence. But CHANNING +objected; GEORGE TREVELYAN did not approve the suggestion; while the +SQUIRE OF MALWOOD eagerly seized BEACH's maladroit phrase about "the +other side," and made great play with it. Probably BEACH might have +disregarded this action from Opposition Benches; but different when +RADCLIFFE COOKE rose from Bench immediately behind Ministers, and in +severely judicial manner criticised proposed action of President +of Board of Trade. BEACH said nothing at moment; after some hours' +reflection, announced withdrawal of original proposition and intention +of proceeding with indictment of Cambrian Directors without waiting +for case of "the other side." + +To-day he moved that on Thursday the accused should appear at Bar of +House. This on point of being agreed to when COOKE again appeared on +scene; with increased impressiveness of manner argued against BEACH's +proposal. Prince ARTHUR began to look uneasy; no knowing where this +sort of thing would end if it spread. What with SEXTON on one side +correcting grammar of Ministerial Resolutions, and RADCLIFFE COOKE on +the other amending their procedure, it really seemed time to go to the +country. Something like condition of paralysis stealing over Treasury +Bench when SPEAKER came to assistance of Ministers, and benignly but +effectively pointed out to COOKE that he was one too many, was in fact +spoiling the broth. COOKE tried to argue the matter out, but SPEAKER +peremptory and Ministers saved from fresh rebuff. + +"It's all very well for them arguing round the subject like that," +said MACLURE, nervously mopping his forehead. "But it's a very +different thing with me, at my age and fighting weight. An Insurance +Broker, Director of various Railway and other Companies, formerly +Major of the 40th Lancashire Volunteers, a Trustee for three Church +livings, and father of a large family, to be brought up on a Breach +of Privilege is no slight matter. Indignity is aggravated by the +locality. 'The Bar' is the last place in the world where the friends +of JOHN WILLIAM MACLURE would think it likely to find him." + +_Business done._--In Committee on Small Holdings. + +_Thursday Night._--After all, MACLURE didn't have to stand at the Bar +to-night, so his feelings were saved a peculiarly painful wrench. But +the Chairman of Cambrian Railway held a special meeting at Bar. It was +attended by Mr. BAILEY HAWKINS, and Mr. JOHN CONACHER, Manager of the +Company. The SERGEANT-AT-ARMS also looked in, bringing the Mace with +him. + +[Illustration: Turning his Back on his own Resolution.] + +"Now if they were _really_ going to have anything at the Bar," said +MACLURE, looking wistfully on, "a drop of mulled port or anything like +that, Mace would come in handy. Suppose ERSKINE would dip it in the +jorum and stir the liquor round." + +So MACLURE joked, and so, as JULIUS 'ANNIBAL, naturally well-posted up +in this epoch of history, reminds me, NERO fiddled whilst Rome burned. +Fact is, MACLURE in terrible funk; mental condition shared by his +Chairman, Co-director, and the Manager. The latter, resolved to sell +his life dearly, brought in his umbrella, which gave him a quite +casual hope-I-don't-intrude appearance as he stood at the Bar. + +Members at first disposed to regard whole matter as a joke. Cheered +MACLURE when he came in at a half trot; laughed when, the Bar pulled +out, difficulty arose about making both ends meet. + +"That's the Chancellor of the Exchequer's duty," said WILFRID LAWSON; +"GOSCHEN ought to go and lend a hand." + +Bursts of laughter and buzz of conversation in all parts of the House; +general aspect more like appearance at theatre on Boxing Night when +audience waits for curtain to rise on new pantomime. Only the SPEAKER +grave, even solemn; his voice occasionally rising above merry din with +stern cry of "Order! order!" + +"Of course, now they're at the Bar they can order what they please," +said TANNER. Well the SPEAKER didn't hear him. Later, on eve of final +division, he offered another remark in louder tone. SPEAKER thundered +down upon him like a tornado, and TANNER quiet for rest of sitting. + +[Illustration: The Woolwich Infant "goes off."] + +HICKS-BEACH's speech gave new and more serious turn to affairs. +Concluded with Motion declaring Directors guilty of Breach of +Privilege and sentencing them to admonition. But speech itself clearly +made out that Directors were blameless; all the bother lying at door +of Railway Servant who had been dismissed. Speech, in short, turned +its back on Resolution. This riled the Radicals; not to be soothed +even by Mr. G. interposing in favourite character as GRAND OLD +PACIFICATOR. Storm raged all night; division after division taken; +finally, long past midnight, Directors again brought up to the +Bar, the worn, almost shrivelled, appearance of CONACHER's umbrella +testifying to the mental suffering undergone during the seven hours +that had passed since last they stood there. + +SPEAKER, with awful mien and in terrible tones, "admonished" them; and +so to bed. + +_Business done._--Cambrian Directors admonished for Breach of +Privilege. + +_Tuesday, April 12._--House adjourns to-day for Easter Holidays; +good many adjourned after Friday's Sitting; some waited to hear JOKIM +bringing in his Budget last night. Few left to-day to wind up the +business. HUGHES, gallant Colonel who represents Woolwich, here a few +minutes ago. But he's gone too. "Sometimes," he said, with a far-away +smile, "they call me 'the Woolwich Infant.' If I am such a very big +gun, perhaps the best thing I can do is to go off." + +I follow his example. + +_Business done._--Adjourned for Easter Holidays. + + * * * * * + +THE LEGEND OF THE MUTTON BONE. + +(BY OUR NEWLY-MARRIED POETESS.) + +[Illustration] + + When the world is full of flowers and of butterflies at play, + I could sit beneath the roses eating chocolates all day; + But my heart is very heavy as I ponder with dismay + On the Mutton Bone a-lying in the Larder! + + For GEORGE has squandered sixpence on a telegram from town, + To say that he has come across "that dear old chappie--BROWNE," + And to dine with us this evening he means to bring him down-- + And the Mutton Bone is lying in the Larder! + + I have just been down to see it, and my courage sinks a-new, + Though Cook has kindly promised me her very best to do-- + Which means that she'll convert into an appetising stew + The Mutton Bone a-lying in the Larder. + + But I suddenly remember, with a blush of rosy pink, + That Cook--alas! is given to the frequent use of drink, + And if she once gets muddled up--perhaps she'll never think + Of the Mutton Bone a-lying in the Larder! + + * * * * * + + As the western sun is gilding all the heather of the moor, + Down the basement stairs I'm creeping--till a widely open door + Shows me Cook in heavy slumber on her cherished kitchen floor-- + And the Mutton Bone is lying in the Larder! + + O GEORGE, there'll be no dinner, dear, for you and BROWNE to-day! + I picture to myself the pretty words that you will say-- + And I seize my guinea bonnet--and I wander far away + From the Mutton Bone a-lying in the Larder! + + * * * * * + +MOTTO FOR A SOAP CO.--"Nothing like Lather." + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. +102, APRIL 16, 1892*** + + +******* This file should be named 14452-8.txt or 14452-8.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/4/4/5/14452 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. 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C. Burnand</h1> +<pre> +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at <a href = "https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre> +<p>Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 102, April 16, 1892</p> +<p>Author: Various</p> +<p>Release Date: December 24, 2004 [eBook #14452]</p> +<p>Language: English</p> +<p>Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1</p> +<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 102, APRIL 16, 1892***</p> +<br /><br /><h4>E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis,<br /> + and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team</h4><br /><br /> +<hr class="full" /> + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 102.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>April 16, 1892.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page181" + id="page181"></a>[pg 181]</span> + + <h2>WRESTLING WITH WHISTLERS.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>A Reminiscence of a Recent Exhibition.</i>)</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>The Goupil Gallery. Groups of more or + less puzzled Britons discovered, conscientiously + endeavouring to do justice to the Collection, having + realised that</i> Mr. WHISTLER's <i>work is now considered + entitled to serious consideration, but feeling themselves + unable to get beyond a timid tolerance. In addition to + these, there are</i> Frank Philistines <i>who are here with + a fixed intention of being funny</i>, Matrons <i>with a + strongly domesticated taste in Art</i>, Serious Elderly + Ladies, Literal Persons, &c., &c.</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>A Lady</i> (<i>after looking at a representation of + Old Battersea Bridge—in the tone of a person who + feels she is making a liberal concession</i>). Well, do you + know, I must say that <i>isn't</i> so bad. I shouldn't so + much mind having <i>that</i> in the room, should you?</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/181.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/181.png" + alt="A Brother Brush." /></a>A Brother Brush. + </div> + + <p><i>Her Companion</i> (<i>dubiously</i>). Well, I don't + know. He's put a steamer in. Should you think there + <i>were</i> steamers + in—a—(<i>vaguely</i>)—those days?</p> + + <p><i>First Lady</i> (<i>evidently considering</i> Mr. + WHISTLER <i>capable of any eccentricity</i>). Oh, I don't + suppose he would mind <i>that</i> much.</p> + + <p><i>First Literal Person</i> (<i>coming to the portrait + of</i> Miss ALEXANDER). + Well—(<i>plaintively</i>)—he <i>might</i> have + put a nicer expression on the child!</p> + + <p><i>Second Do. Do.</i> Yes—very unpleasing. + (<i>Refers to Catalogue</i>.) Oh, I see it says—"It + is simply a disagreeable presentment of a disagreeable + young lady."</p> + + <p><i>First Do. Do.</i> (<i>rejoicing that the painter has + vindicated himself this time</i>). Ah—that + <i>explains</i> it, then. Of course if he <i>meant</i> + it—!</p> + + <p><i>A Serious Elderly Lady.</i> There's one thing I must + say I <i>do</i> like, my dear, and that's the way he puts + down all the unfavourable criticisms on his pictures. So + straightforward and honest of him, <i>I</i> call it.</p> + + <p><i>Her Companion.</i> Yes, but I expect he can't help + seeing how right and sensible the critics are, you know. + Still—(<i>charitably</i>)—it shows he would do + better if he <i>could</i>!</p> + + <p><i>An Advanced Nephew</i> (<i>who is endeavouring to + convert a</i> Philistine Uncle <i>to the superiority of the + Modern School</i>). Now here, Uncle, look at this. Look at + the way the figure looms out of the canvas, look at the + learning in the simple sweep of the drapery, the + <i>drawing</i> of it, and the masterly grace of the + pose—you don't mean to tell me you don't call + <i>that</i> a magnificent portrait?</p> + + <p><i>His Uncle.</i> Who's it of? That's what <i>I</i> want + to know first.</p> + + <p><i>Nephew</i> (<i>coldly</i>). You will find it in the + Catalogue, no doubt—No. 41.</p> + + <p><i>Uncle</i> (<i>looking it up</i>). "<i>Arrangement in + Black. La Dame au Brodequin Jaune.</i>"—the lady in a + yellow something or other. Tchah! And not a word to tell + you who she's supposed to <i>be</i>? If I pay a shilling + for a Catalogue, I expect to find information in it. And + let me ask you—where's the interest in looking at a + portrait when you're not told who it's intended for?</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The</i> Nephew, <i>not being prepared to answer + this difficult query, leads his relative gently up to a + "Nocturne in Opal and Silver." The</i> Uncle <i>conveys + his opinion of it by a loud and expressive + snort.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>First Prosaic Person</i> (<i>before No. 28</i>). + Valparaiso, is it? (<i>Hopefully.</i>) Well, come, I + <i>ought</i> to recognise this—I've <i>been</i> there + often enough. (<i>Inspecting it closely.</i>) + Ha—um!</p> + + <p><i>Second P.P.</i> (<i>with languid interest</i>). Is it + <i>like</i>?</p> + + <p><i>First P.P.</i> I could tell you better if he'd done + it by daylight. I can't make out this in the + front—looks to me like the top of a <i>house</i>, or + something. Don't remember <i>that</i>.</p> + + <p><i>Second P.P.</i> I think it's meant for a jetty, + landing-stage, or that sort of thing, and, when you look + <i>into</i> it, there's something that seems intended for + people—<i>most</i> extraordinary, isn't it?</p> + + <p><i>The Domesticated Matron</i> (<i>who is searching for + a picture with a subject to it</i>). There, CAROLINE, it's + evidently a <i>harbour</i>, you see, and ships, and they're + letting off fireworks—probably for a regatta, Does it + tell you what it is in the Catalogue?</p> + + <p><i>Caroline</i> (<i>after consulting it</i>). It only + says, "<i>A Nocturne in Blue and Gold</i>"—oh + yes—(<i>reading</i>)—"a splash and splutter of + brightness, on a black ground, to depict a display of + fireworks."</p> + + <p><i>Her Mother</i> (<i>gratified at her own + intelligence</i>). I thought it <i>must</i> be fireworks. + He seems quite <i>fond</i> of fireworks, doesn't he?</p> + + <p><i>First Facetious Philistine.</i> Hullo, what have we + got here? "<i>Crepuscule, in Flesh-colour and Green.</i>" + Very <i>like</i> one, too, daresay—when you know what + it is.</p> + + <p><i>Second F.P.</i> As far as I can make it out, a + Crepuscule's either a Harmony inside out, or a Symphony + upside down—it don't much matter.</p> + + <p><i>A Lady</i> (<i>who is laboriously trying to catch the + right spirit</i>). "<i>The Blue Wave at Biarritz</i>." Now + I <i>do</i> admire that. And what I like even better than + the Blue wave is this great Brown one breaking in the + foreground—so exactly <i>like</i> water, isn't it, + DICK?</p> + + <p><i>Dick</i> (<i>not a Whistlerite</i>). + Y—yes—just. Only it's a rock, you know.</p> + + <p><i>The Lady.</i> But if that's the way he <i>saw</i> it, + DICK!</p> + + <p><i>Dick.</i> Here's a thing! "<i>St. Mark's, + Venice</i>." I'll <i>trouble</i> you! What's he done with + the flagstaffs and the bronze horses and the pigeons? + <i>I</i> never saw the place look like that.</p> + + <p><i>The Lady.</i> Because it didn't happen to be + <i>foggy</i> while we were there, that's all.</p> + + <p><i>First Pros. Person.</i> Ah, there's old CARLYLE, you + see! Dear me, what a very badly fitting coat—see how + it bulges over his chest!</p> + + <p><i>Second P.P.</i> Yes. I daresay he buttoned the wrong + button—philosopher and all that sort o' thing, + y'know.</p> + + <p><i>First P.P.</i> (<i>sympathetically</i>). Well, I + <i>do</i> think WHISTLER might have <i>told</i> him of + it!</p> + + <h4>IN THE SECOND ROOM.</h4> + + <p><i>The Matron in Search of a Subject.</i> Ah, now, this + really is more <i>my</i> idea of a picture. Quite a pretty + <i>crétonne</i> those curtains, and there's a little girl + reading a book, and a looking-glass with reflections and + all, and a young lady in a riding-habit—just going + out for a ride.</p> + + <p><i>Caroline.</i> Yes. Mother. Or just come in from + one.</p> + + <p><i>Her Mother.</i> Do see what it's called. "<i>The + Morning Canter</i>" or "<i>Back from the + Row</i>"—something of that kind, I <i>expect</i> it + would be.</p> + + <p><i>Caroline.</i> All it says is, "<i>A Harmony in Green + and Rose</i>."</p> + + <p><i>The Mother</i> (<i>disappointed</i>). Now, why can't + he give it some <i>sensible</i> name, instead of taking + away all one's interest!</p> + + <p><i>The Phil. Uncle</i> (<i>whom a succession of + Symphonies and Harmonies has irritated to the verge of + fury</i>). Don't talk to me, Sir! Don't tell me any of + these things are pictures. Look at <i>this</i>—a + young woman in an outlandish dress sitting on the + floor—on the bare floor!—in a litter of + Japanese sketches! And he has the confounded impertinence + to call it a "<i>Caprice</i>"—a "<i>Caprice in Purple + and Gold</i>." <i>I</i>'d purple and gold him, Sir, if I + had <i>my</i> way! Where's the <i>sense</i> in such things? + What do they <i>teach</i> you? What <i>story</i> do they + tell? Where's the <i>human interest</i> in them? Depend + upon it, Sir, these things are rubbish—sheer rubbish, + according to all <i>my</i> notions of Art, and I think + you'll allow I <i>ought</i> to know something about it?</p> + + <p><i>His Nephew</i> (<i>provoked beyond prudence</i>). You + certainly ought to know more than <i>that</i>, my dear + Unc—Are you going?</p> + + <p><i>The Uncle</i> (<i>grimly</i>). Yes—to see my + Solicitor, Sir. (<i>To himself, savagely.</i>) That + confounded young prig will find he's paid dear enough for + his precious Whistlers—if I don't have a fit in the + cab!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He goes; the</i> Nephew <i>wonders whether his + attempt at proselytising was quite worth while.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>A Seriously Elderly Lady.</i> I've no <i>patience</i> + with the man. Look at GUTSTAVE DORÉ, now. I'm sure + <i>he</i> was a beautiful artist, if you <i>like</i>. Did + <i>he</i> go and call his "<i>Leaving the Prætorium</i>" a + "Symphony" or a "Harmony," or any nonsense of that kind? Of + course not—and yet look at the <i>difference</i>!</p> + + <p><i>An Impressionable Person</i> (<i>carried away by the + local influence—to the Man at the wicket, + blandly</i>). Could you kindly oblige me by exchanging this + "Note in Black and White" for an "Arrangement in Silver and + Gold"?</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Finds himself cruelly misunderstood, and suspected + of frivolity.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h3>PERSONAL PARAGRAPHS.</h3> + + <p>The Rev. No. 354, writing from Dartmoor, requests us to + inform his numerous friends in Bath and elsewhere that his + health is much improved by the bracing air, and that he is + occupied in revising for the press his course of Sermons to the + Young on the Moral Virtues. He is also anxious to inform his + creditors that his accounts are now completely in order. It is + a source of great comfort to him to reflect that he was able to + obtain considerable sums of money from his friends in Bath, + before he was obliged to leave that city, and that, with the + residue of this money, obtained so to speak from PETER, he will + now have the satisfaction of paying a farthing in the pound to + PAUL, in other words, to his creditors.</p> + + <p>Mrs. BRINVILLIERS was yesterday visited by her friends. Our + readers will be glad to know that she is quite well and has + escaped the influenza epidemic.</p> + + <p>Mr. ST. LEONARDS, with the consent of the Governor, takes + this opportunity of thanking the friends who have so kindly + condoled with him on the unavoidable interruption to his long + and arduous work in the service of his country. He hopes that + nothing will prevent him from displaying equal zeal in the + still more arduous labour, which, also for the benefit of his + country, he is now compelled to undertake for a certain + period.</p> + + <p>Miss DODGER is still unwell. The HOME SECRETARY has not yet + sent instructions for a special drawing-room to be fitted up in + the prison, nor has he, up till now, given any permission for + Miss DODGER's afternoon receptions, and five o'clock teas. It + is generally considered that the probability of his doing so, + without a Special Act of Parliament, is still very remote.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page182" + id="page182"></a>[pg 182]</span> + + <h2>BROKEN BONDS.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["I learn from St. Petersburg, that, last Saturday, + conferences were begun between Russia and Germany on the + admission of the former to the new commercial + treaties."—<i>The Times Paris Correspondent on + "Russia and the Central Commercial League."</i>]</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>La Belle France, the Forsaken One, + loquitur</i>:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>What do I hear? Oh, do I hear aright,</p> + + <p class="i2">Over the garden wall?</p> + + <p>My latest love, my gallant Muscovite,</p> + + <p class="i2">Is this the end, this all?</p> + + <p>My heartbeats fast, a mist obscures my sight.</p> + + <p class="i2">Support me, or I fall!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>What can he mean? Whatever is she at?—</p> + + <p class="i2">Ah! well I know <i>her</i> game!</p> + + <p>GERMANIA is a vile coquette, a cat.</p> + + <p class="i2">Seducing my new flame</p> + + <p>With mercenary lures, and low at that!</p> + + <p class="i2">It is a cruel shame!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But six short months ago and I to him</p> + + <p class="i2">Indeed seemed all in all.</p> + + <p>A stalwart lover, though <i>tant soit peu</i> + grim,</p> + + <p class="i2">I fancied him my thrall.</p> + + <p>And was it after all pretence, or whim?</p> + + <p class="i2">Oh, prospect, to appal!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I know my envious rivals said as + much,<a id="footnotetag1" + name="footnotetag1"></a><a href="#footnote1"><sup>1</sup></a></p> + + <p class="i2">But that I deemed their spite,</p> + + <p>Was't but my money he desired to clutch?</p> + + <p class="i2">I lent it—with delight!</p> + + <p>Were his mere venal vows? His bonds but such</p> + + <p class="i2">As SAMSON snapped at sight?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>See how she purrs, false puss! She deems her + <i>dot</i></p> + + <p class="i2">May well out-glitter mine.</p> + + <p>And he! That slow seductive smile I know.</p> + + <p class="i2">At Cronstadt by the brine,</p> + + <p>To that dear dulcet voice, not long ago,</p> + + <p class="i2">My ears did I incline.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Ah! and those fine moustachios' conquering curl</p> + + <p class="i2">Subdued my maiden heart.</p> + + <p>For me those tendril-tips he'd twist and twirl,</p> + + <p class="i2">Looking so gay, so smart;</p> + + <p>And now he does it for another girl,</p> + + <p class="i2">And I—I stand apart.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Did I not give my heart to him—false + one!—</p> + + <p class="i2">And also—well, my "stocking"?</p> + + <p>Nor after her "commercial" charms he'll run,</p> + + <p class="i2">My modest beauties mocking.</p> + + <p>Hist! I believe of me they're making fun!</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>O Ciel</i>! 'tis simply shocking!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Hist! I can hear her, the sly cat. How fond</p> + + <p class="i2">Her glances bold and bright!</p> + + <p>Her bag is brimming, mine's a broken bond.</p> + + <p class="i2">I dreamed not me he'd slight</p> + + <p>For such mere bagman beauty, tamely blonde,</p> + + <p class="i2">But—ah! <i>was</i> BLOWITZ + right?</p> + </div> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Left doubting.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <blockquote class="footnote"> + <a id="footnote1" + name="footnote1"></a><b>Footnote 1:</b> + <a href="#footnotetag1">(return)</a> + + <p>"The success of a Russian Loan is not dearly purchased + by a little effusion, which, after all, commits Russia to + nothing." (See Cartoon "Turning the Tables," Sept. 26, + 1891.)</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:80%;"> + <a href="images/182.png"><img width="80%" + src="images/182.png" + alt="A TERRIBLE THREAT." /></a> + + <h3>A TERRIBLE THREAT.</h3> + + <p><i>Impatient Old Gentleman</i> (<i>to Female Post-Office + Assistant, who is chatting pleasantly with an agreeable + acquaintance</i>). "LOOK HERE, YOUNG WOMAN, IF YOU DON'T + GIVE ME MY CHANGE, CONFOUND IT, I'M HANGED IF I DON'T GO + AWAY <i>WITHOUT IT</i>!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>DR. VAUGHAN, of Salford, is to be the New Roman Catholic + Archbishop of Westminster. He is a bright cheerful-looking man + now, but it is to be feared that the extra toil and trouble of + London may soon give his features a Care-Vaughan + expression.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE BOUNDS OF SCIENCE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Fragment from a Fin de Monde Romance.</i>)</h4> + + <p>The Student had read many things, but he had not yet + considered the subject of Coal. He knew that it was expensive, + but he had not imagined that there was so little in the world. + But he at length obtained the requisite knowledge, and set to + work to put things to-rights. He called upon the Secretary of a + Transatlantic Ocean Steamer Company, and remonstrated with him + upon the waste with which the transactions of his institution + were conducted.</p> + + <p>"You carry your passengers too rapidly," he observed.</p> + + <p>"As how?" asked the Secretary.</p> + + <p>"Why I am given to understand that the power generated by + the coal gives each person on board your ships a rate of + progression night and day of twenty-four horses."</p> + + <p>"And, if it does—what then?"</p> + + <p>"Why, it is too much," returned the Student. "All the coal + in the world will be exhausted in something like four or five + hundred years; and so, while there is yet time, I had better go + somewhere where coal is a secondary consideration. What shall I + do?"</p> + + <p>And then the Secretary advised the Student to take a ticket + to the Centre of Africa—and the Student followed his + advice. But the day before the boat started, the Student once + more appeared.</p> + + <p>"I am afraid," said he, "I must ask you for the return of my + money. I find that it will be useless for me to go to the + Centre of Africa, as the Sun is about to cease giving + warmth."</p> + + <p>"Dear me!" cried the Secretary, "I was under the impression + that the Sun was timed to last about one hundred millions of + years?"</p> + + <p>"It may have been in the far distant past," returned the + Student, sadly, "but recent statistics fix the termination of + the Sun's existence at a much nearer date. There is no doubt + that the Sun will not last more than four millions of years, or + five millions at longest. Now give me my money!"</p> + + <p>And (of course) the bullion was promptly returned.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page183" + id="page183"></a>[pg 183]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/183.png"><img width="60%" + src="images/183.png" + alt="BROKEN BONDS." /></a> + + <h3>BROKEN BONDS.</h3><i>La France</i>. "IS IT + POSSIBLE!—BUT SIX MONTHS AGO!—AND NOW—" + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page184" + id="page184"></a>[pg 184]</span> + + <h2>LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS.</h2> + + <h3>No. XII.—TO PLAUSIBILITY.</h3> + + <p>DEAR OLD PLAU,</p> + + <p>Hear you have been seen about again with GENIALITY. Poor + GENIALITY, it may be admitted, is often something of a fool + when he is by himself, but when you and he begin to hunt in + couples, you are a deadly pair. I once knew a St. Bernard + dog—you will perceive the analogy by-and-by—who + lived on terms of friendship with a Skye terrier. By himself + <i>Rufus</i> was a mild and inoffensive giant. He adored the + house-cat, and used to help her, in a ponderous way, with the + care of her numerous family. Many a time have I seen him + placidly extended before a fire, while puss used his shaggy + body as a sleeping box, and once he was observed to help that + anxious tabby-mother with the toilet of her kittens by licking + them carefully all over. At every lick of <i>Rufus's</i> huge + prehensile tongue a kitten was lifted bodily into the air, + only, however, to descend washed and unharmed to the ground. + But out of doors, in the society of <i>Flick, Rufus's</i> whole + nature seemed to change. He became a demon-exterminator of + cats. Led on by his yelping little friend, he chased them + fiercely to their last retreats, and, if he caught them, + masticated them without mercy. Once too, on a morning that had + been appointed for a big covert-shoot, I noticed this strangely + assorted pair come into the breakfast-room panting and dirty. + They were not usually afoot before breakfast. What could their + condition mean? A flustered keeper arrived shortly afterwards + and explained everything. "Them two dogs o' yourn, Sir," he + said, "the big 'un and the little 'un, 'ave run all the coverts + through. There's not a pheasant left in 'em. They're sailin' + all over the country."</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/184.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/184.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>The truth was that <i>Flick</i> had organised the expedition + with extraordinary secrecy and cunning. He had persuaded + <i>Rufus</i> to join him, and the result was that we shot forty + pheasants instead of the three hundred on which we had + counted.</p> + + <p>Now, my dear PLAU, I merely record this little story, and + leave you to apply it. But I may remind you of incidents that + touch you more nearly. Do you remember GORTON? Many years ago + GORTON went to Oxford with a brilliant reputation. Every + triumph that the University could confer was held to be within + his grasp. His contemporaries looked upon him as a marvellous + being, who was destined to rise to the top of whatever tree he + felt disposed to climb. He was really a delightful fellow, + fresh, smiling, expansive, amusing, and his friends all + worshipped him. Of course he went in for the Hertford. His + success was certain; it was merely a question as to who should + be second. On the evening before the examination began, there + was a strange commotion in GORTON's College. GORTON, who was + supposed to have been reading hard, was found at about twelve + o'clock in the quad in his nightgown. He was on all fours, and + was engaged in eating grass and roaring out ribald snatches of + Latin songs in a shrill voice. When the porter approached him + he said he was a hippogriff, and that in another ten minutes he + intended to fly to Iffley and back in half a second. He was + carried up to bed raving horribly. On the following day he grew + calmer, and in a week he was himself again. But by that time, + of course, the examination was over, and DUBBIN was soon + afterwards announced as the successful competitor.</p> + + <p>Judging the past by what I know now, I cannot doubt that the + madness of GORTON was what patrons of the prize-ring call a + put-up job, for he never afterwards showed the smallest symptom + of lunacy. He had not worked sufficiently, and knew he must + fail. So he became temporarily insane, to avoid defeat and + maintain his reputation for scholarship. He left Oxford without + taking a degree, and owing money right and left—to + tradesmen, to his friends, to his tutor. Then he disappeared + for some years.</p> + + <p>Next he suddenly cropped up again in Ireland. A small + borough constituency had been suddenly declared vacant. GORTON + happened to be staying in the hotel. He promptly offered + himself as a candidate, and plunged with extraordinary vigour + into the contest. The way that man fooled a simple-hearted + Irish electorate was marvellous. They came to believe him to be + a millionnaire, a king of finance, a personage at whose nod + Statesmen trembled, a being who mingled with all that was + highest and best in the land. He cajoled them, he flattered + them, he talked them round his little finger, he rollicked with + them, opened golden vistas of promise to everyone of them, + smiled at their wives, defied the Lord Lieutenant, and was + elected by a crushing majority over a native pork-merchant who + had nothing but his straightforward honesty to commend him. Of + course there was a petition, and equally of course GORTON was + unseated. Then came the reckoning. GORTON had apparently + intimated that two of the great London political Clubs were so + warmly interested in his candidature as to have undertaken to + pay all his expenses. But when application was made to these + institutions, their secretaries professed a complete and + chilling ignorance of GORTON, and the deputation from + Ballywhacket, which had gone to London in search of gold, had + to return empty-handed to their native place, after wasting a + varied stock of full-flavoured Irish denunciation on the London + pavements. But GORTON was undaunted. He actually published an + address in which he lashed the hateful ingratitude of men who + betrayed their friends with golden words, and abandoned them + shamefully in the hour of defeat. But never, so he said, would + he abandon the betrayed electors of Ballywhacket. Others might + shuffle, and cheat and cozen, but he might be counted upon to + remain firm, faithful, and incorruptible amidst the seething + waves of political turpitude.</p> + + <p>Having issued this, he vanished again, and was heard of no + more for six or seven years. Then he gradually began to emerge + again. He was engaged in the completion of an immense work of + genealogical research, which was intended to cast an entirely + new light on many obscure incidents of English history. For + this he solicited encouragement—and subscriptions. He + enclosed with his appeals some specimen pages, which appeared + to promise marvels of industry and research. His preface was a + wonderful essay, of which a HAYWARD would scarcely have been + ashamed. In this way he gathered a large amount of money from + historical enthusiasts with more ardour than knowledge, and + from old friends who, knowing his real ability, believed that + he had at last determined to justify the opinions of him which + they had always held and expressed. It is unnecessary to add + that not another line was written. For several years ill health + was supposed to hinder him. We read piteous stories of his + struggles against the agonies of neuralgia and rheumatics, some + of us threw good money after bad in the effort to relieve the + imaginary sufferer; but to this day the proofs of PERKIN + WARBECK's absolute claim to the throne, and of JACK CADE's + indubitable royal descent remain in the scheming brain of + GORTON. Eventually the poor wretch did die in penury, but over + that part of his story I need not linger. The irony of fate + ordained that when he was actually in want he should wish to be + thought in possession of a large income.</p> + + <p>I knew a Clergyman once—at least I had every reason to + believe him to be a lawfully ordained Minister of the Church of + England. He was taken on as temporary Curate in a remote + district. His life, while he remained there, was exemplary. He + was untiring in good works; the poor adored him, the well-to-do + honoured him. We all thought him a pattern of unselfish and + almost primitive saintliness, and when he departed from us he + went with a silver inkstand, a dining-room clock and a purse of + sovereigns, subscribed for by the parish. The odour of his + sanctity had scarcely evaporated before we discovered, with + horror, that the man had never been ordained at all! He was an + impostor, masquerading under an assumed name, but while he was + with us he did good and lived a flawless life. These matters + puzzle me. Perhaps you, my dear PLAU, can explain.</p> + + <p class="author">Yours,<br /> + DIOGENES ROBINSON.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A RATHER LARGE ORDER.—Amongst the many suggested plans + for housing the collection of pictures once offered by Mr. TATE + to the Nation, is a scheme for turning the Banqueting-hall at + Whitehall to a useful and good account. As a thoughtful Artist + has observed in this connection, "At this moment the spacious + building is tied round the necks of the Members of the United + Service Institution like a white elephant."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A MONEY-LENDER said he had never been inside a Church since + the day he looked in at hymn-time, and heard them singing, + "With one per cent. let all the earth," and he didn't want to + hear anymore.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>TRYING TO THE TEMPER.—Mrs. R. says nothing can induce + her to eat cross buns, as they are sure to disagree with + her.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page185" + id="page185"></a>[pg 185]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/185-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/185-1.png" + alt="TRIALS AT THE LAW COURTS." /></a> + + <h3>TRIALS AT THE LAW COURTS.</h3>A TIMID BUT ERUDITE + "LEADER" IS URGED TO TAKE A "BAD OBJECTION." + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <p>All who are interested in the theatrical celebrities of past + times will do well to read a brief, indeed, a too brief paper, + about DOROTHY JORDAN, written by FITZGERALD MOLLOY, for <i>The + English Illustrated Magazine</i> of this month. The Baron does + not remember if THACKERAY touched on the story of this talented + Actress in his Lectures on "<i>The Four Georges</i>;" but the + sad finish to the brilliant career of Mrs. JORDAN could hardly + have escaped the great Satirist as being one instance, among + many, illustrating the wise King's advice as to "not putting + your trust in Princes;" "or," for the matter of that, and in + fairness, it must be added, "in any child of man." Poor + DOROTHY, or DOLLY JORDAN! but now a Queen of "Puppets," and + now—thus, a mere rag-dolly. Ah, CLARENCE!—"False, + fleeting, perjured CLARENCE!" as SHAKSPEARE wrote of that other + Duke in Crookback'd RICHARD's time, for whom the "ifs" and + "ands" of life were resolved for ever in a final "butt."</p> + + <p>In the issue for 1891 of that most interesting yearly + Annual, <i>The Book-Worm</i>, for which the Baron, taking it up + now and again, blesses ELLIOT STOCK, of Paternoster Row, there + is a brief but interesting account of <i>The Annexed + Prayer-Book</i>, which, after some curious chances and changes, + was at last ordered to be photographed page by page, without + being removed from the custody of Black Rod. "By means of an + elaborate system of reflecting," the process of photographing + was carried on in the House of Lords. It is satisfactory to all + Book-worms to know that so important a work was not undertaken + without even more than the usual amount of reflection.</p> + + <p class="author">THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE HAMLET IN THE HAYMARKET.</h2> + + <p>With Mr. TREE's impersonation of <i>Hamlet</i> most London + playgoers are by this time acquainted, though not yet familiar. + It is a most interesting performance, especially to those who + remember the inauguration of startling new departures by + CHARLES FECHTER. The question for every fresh <i>Hamlet</i> + must always be, "How can I differentiate my <i>Hamlet</i> from + all previous <i>Hamlets</i>? What can I do that nobody has as + yet thought of doing?" "To be or not to be" <i>Hamlet</i>, + "that is the question"; whether 'tis better continuously to + suffer the tortures of uncertainty as to what you might have + achieved had you essayed the part, or to take up the study of + it, and ceasing to shiver on the bank, leave off your damnable + faces, and plunge in? Mr. TREE has plunged, and is going on + swimmingly.</p> + + <p>Mrs. TREE's <i>Ophelia</i> sane, is charming. Her distraught + <i>Ophelia</i> is very mad indeed, and her method in her + madness is excellent.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/185-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/185-2.png" + alt="'I am thy Father's Ghost!'" /></a>"I am thy + Father's Ghost!" + </div> + + <p>There is a curious monotony in some of the stage-business. + Thus, <i>Ophelia</i> pauses in her exit and comes up quietly + behind the absent-minded Prince as if to play bo-peep with him: + then, later on, after his apparently brutal treatment of her, + <i>Hamlet</i> returns, and, while he is stooping and in tears, + he kisses her hair and runs away noiselessly as if this also + were another part of the same game. Then again, in the + Churchyard, after the scandalous brawling (brought about by the + stupid ignorance of a dunderheaded ecclesiastic, to whose + Bishop <i>Laertes</i> ought to have immediately reported him), + <i>Hamlet</i> returns to weep and throw flowers into the grave. + Now excellent "returns" are dear to the managerial heart, and + consoling to his pocket, when they attest the overflowing + attendance of "friends in front;" but when "returns" are on the + stage, their excellence may be questioned on the score of + monotony. Now, as to the Churchyard Scene, permit me to make a + suggestion:—the Second Gravedigger has been commissioned + by the First Gravedigger, with money down, to go to a + neighbouring publican of the name of YAUGHAN, pronounced Yogan + or Yawn,—probably the latter, on account either of his + opening his mouth wide, or of his being a sleepy-headed + fellow,—and fetch a stoop of liquor. Now, when all the + turmoil is over, the remaining gravedigger would at once set to + work, as in fact he does in this scene at the Haymarket; but + here he just shovels a handful of mould into the grave, and + then, without rhyme or reason (with both of which he has been + plentifully supplied by SHAKSPEARE), suddenly away he goes, + merely to allow for the "business" of <i>Hamlet's</i> + re-entrance. But why shouldn't there be here, prior to the + return of <i>Hamlet</i>, a re-entrance of the Second + Gravedigger, as if coming back from friend YAUGHAN's with the + pot of ale? The sight of this would attract First Gravedigger, + and take the thirsty soul most readily from his work to discuss + the refreshment in some shady nook. Then by all means let + <i>Hamlet</i> return to pour out his grief; and on this picture + ought the Curtain effectively descend.</p> + + <p>A novel point introduced by Mr. TREE is that his + <i>Hamlet</i>, entertaining an affectionate remembrance of the + late YORICK, assumes a friendly and patronising air towards + YORICK's successor, a Court Fool, apparently so youthful that + he may still be supposed to be learning his business. So when + His Royal Highness <i>Hamlet</i> has what he considers "a good + thing" to say, Mr. TREE places the novice in jesting near + himself, and pointedly speaks at him; as <i>e.g.</i>, when, in + reply to the King's inquiry after his health, he tells him that + he "eats air promise-crammed," adding, with a sly look at the + Court Fool, "you cannot feed capons so." Whereat the Fool, put + into a difficult position, through his fear of offending the + Prince by <i>not</i> laughing, or angering the King (his + employer) by laughing, has to acknowledge the Prince's + witticism with a deferential, but somewhat deprecatory, + snigger.</p> + + <p>Again, when <i>Hamlet</i> is "going to have a lark" with old + <i>Polonius</i>—a proceeding in exquisitely bad taste by + the way—Mr. TREE's <i>Hamlet</i> attracts the young Court + Jester's attention to his forthcoming novelty. Now this time, + as the repartee is about as rude a thing as any vulgar cad of + an 'ARRY might have uttered, the professional Jester, who + evidently does not owe his appointment to the Lord + Chamberlain's favour, and is exempt from his jurisdiction, + grins all over his countenance, and hops away to explain the + jest to some of the courtiers, while <i>Hamlet</i> himself, to + judge by his smiling countenance, is clearly very much pleased + with his own performance in showing a Jester how the fool + should be played. And this notion is consistent with the + character of a Prince who takes upon himself to lecture the + Actors on their own art. There is no subtler touch in + SHAKSPEARE's irony than his putting these instructions to + players in the mouth of a noble amateur. Of the revival, as a + whole, one may truthfully say, <i>Ça donne à penser</i>, and, + indeed, the study of <i>Hamlet</i> is inexhaustible.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>WITH THEIR EASTER EGGS.</h3> + + <p><i>The Emp-r-r of G-rm-ny.</i>—Presentation copy of + the light and leading satirical English Paper.</p> + + <p><i>The Cz-r of R-ss-a.</i>—Letter of regret from + President C-RN-T.</p> + + <p><i>The Pr-s-d-nt of the Fr-nch + R-p-bl-c.</i>—Secretly-obtained copy of proposed treaty + for a Quadruple Alliance.</p> + + <p><i>The K-ng of It-ly.</i>—Scheme for a <i>modus + vivendi</i>.</p> + + <p><i>The P-pe.</i>—Duplicate copy of ditto.</p> + + <p><i>Ch-nc-ll-r C-pr-vi.</i>—Permit for leave of + absence.</p> + + <p><i>Pr-nce V-n B-sm-rck.</i>—A song, "<i>The Return of + the Pilot</i>."</p> + + <p><i>The M-rq-s of S-l-sb-ry.</i>—Date of the General + Election.</p> + + <p><i>The Ch-nc-ll-r of the Exch-q-r.</i>—Comments on the + Budget.</p> + + <p><i>F-rst L-rd of the Tr-s-ry.</i>—New rules for the + game of Golf.</p> + + <p><i>Rt. Hon. W.E. Gl-dst-ne.</i>—Set of Diaries for the + next twenty years.</p> + + <p><i>The P-t L-r-te.</i>—The Order of "The + Foresters."</p> + + <p><i>The Oxf-rd E-ght.</i>—The Blue Riband of the + Thames.</p> + + <p><i>S-r A-g-st-s Dr-r-l-n-s.</i>—A month's + well-deserved rest.</p> + + <p><i>N-b-dy in P-rt-c-l-r.</i>—A legacy of £100,000.</p> + + <p><i>Ev-ryb-dy in G-n-r-l.</i>—Rates and taxes.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page186" + id="page186"></a>[pg 186]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/186.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/186.png" + alt="SO FRIVOLOUS!" /></a> + + <h3>SO FRIVOLOUS!</h3> + + <p><i>Wife</i>. "SOLOMON, I HAVE A BONE TO PICK WITH + YOU."</p> + + <p><i>Solomon</i> (<i>flippantly</i>). "WITH PLEASURE, MY + DEAR, SO LONG AS IT'S A FUNNY BONE!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE DYNAMITE DRAGON.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A dragon! Faugh! that foul and writhing Worm</p> + + <p>Seems scarcely worthy of the ancient term</p> + + <p>That fills old myth, and typifies the fight</p> + + <p>'Twixt wrathful evil and the force of right.</p> + + <p>The dragons of the prime, fierce saurian things</p> + + <p>With ogre gorges and with harpy wings,</p> + + <p>Fitted their hour; the haunts that gave them + birth,</p> + + <p>The semi-chaos of the early earth,</p> + + <p>The slime, the earthquake shock, the whelming + flood,</p> + + <p>Made battle ground for the colossal brood.</p> + + <p>But now, when centuries of love and light</p> + + <p>Have warmed and brightened man's old home; when + might</p> + + <p>Is not all sinister, nor all desire</p> + + <p>Fierce appetite, that all-devouring fire,—</p> + + <p>When life is not alone a wasting scourge,</p> + + <p>But from the swamps of soulless strife emerge</p> + + <p>Some Pisgah peaks of promise where the dove</p> + + <p>Finds footing, high the whirling gulfs + above,—</p> + + <p>Now the intrusion of this loathly shape,</p> + + <p>With pestilence-breathing jaws that blackly gape</p> + + <p>For indiscriminate prey, is sure a thing</p> + + <p>To set celestial guards once more a-wing;</p> + + <p>To fire a new St. Michael or St. George</p> + + <p>With the bright death to cleave the monster's + gorge,</p> + + <p>And trample out the Laidly Worm's last breath</p> + + <p>In the convulsions of reluctant death.</p> + + <p>A crawling, craven, sneaking, snaking brute;</p> + + <p>Purposeless spite, and hatred absolute,</p> + + <p>In hideous shape incarnate! Venomed Gad</p> + + <p>In Civilisation's path; malignant-mad,</p> + + <p>And blindly biting; raising an asp-neck</p> + + <p>In Beauty's foot-tracks, and prepared to wreck</p> + + <p>The ordered work of ages in a day,</p> + + <p>To raze and shatter, to abase and slay.</p> + + <p>Blind as the earthquake, headlong as the storm,</p> + + <p>Yet in such hideous subter-human form,</p> + + <p>Vulgar as venomous! Dragon indeed,</p> + + <p>And dangerous, but with no soul save greed,</p> + + <p>No aim save chaos. Bloody, yet so blind,</p> + + <p>The common enemy of humankind;</p> + + <p>Whose age-stored works and ways it yearns to + blast,</p> + + <p>To smite to ruined fragments, and to cast</p> + + <p>Prone—as itself is prone—in common + dust.</p> + + <p>The Beautiful, the Wise, the Strong, the Just,</p> + + <p>All fruit of labour, and all spoil of thought,</p> + + <p>All that co-operant Man hath won or wrought,</p> + + <p>All that the heart has loved, the mind has + taught</p> + + <p>Through the long generations, hoarded gains</p> + + <p>Of plastic fancies, and of potent brains;</p> + + <p>Thrones, Temples, Marts, Art's alcoves, Learning's + domes,</p> + + <p>Patrician palaces, and <i>bourgeois</i> homes.</p> + + <p>Down, down!—to glut <i>its</i> spleen, the + paltry thing,</p> + + <p>Impotent, save to lurk, and coil, and spring,</p> + + <p>But powerful as the poison-drop, once sped,</p> + + <p>That creeps, corrupts, and leaves its + victim—dead!</p> + + <p>As the asp's fang could turn to pulseless clay</p> + + <p>The Pride of Egypt, so this Worm can slay</p> + + <p>If left long covert for its crawling course.</p> + + <p>Up, up against it every virile force,</p> + + <p>And every valorous virtue! By its hiss</p> + + <p>'Tis known <i>hostis humani generis</i>,</p> + + <p>Let Civilisation snatch St. Michael's sword,</p> + + <p>And slay this Dragon, of a tribe abhorred</p> + + <p>The meanest and the most malignant Worm</p> + + <p>Which can spill venom, but, attacked, will + squirm,</p> + + <p>Shrink, splutter, vanish. With no noble end,</p> + + <p>All men must be its foes, blind hatred its sole + friend!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>BREAKING.</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[In his spot-barred Billiard-Match with H. COLES, PEALL + made breaks of 108, 133, 64, 52, 78, 77, and 80.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Break, break, break</p> + + <p class="i2">On thy Billiard-board, oh P.!</p> + + <p>As easy as cutting butter</p> + + <p class="i2">The business seems to thee.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Oh, well that the spot is barred,"</p> + + <p class="i2">The knowing ones glibly say,</p> + + <p>"Or we might get no chance</p> + + <p class="i2">Of a COLES' strike here to-day."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And the marvellous game goes on.</p> + + <p class="i2">Till the watchers have their fill;</p> + + <p>And one drops off, and dreams</p> + + <p class="i2">He's taken the "Red" for a pill.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Break, break, break!</p> + + <p class="i2">And there's one that will broken be;</p> + + <p>For the Pony I put on the other man</p> + + <p class="i2">Will never come back to me.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>SUGGESTION FROM "CHILDE HAROLD" AT OLYMPIA.—"I stood + in Venice on the Bridge of Size And paint," &c., + &c.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page187" + id="page187"></a>[pg 187]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/187.png"><img width="50%" + src="images/187.png" + alt="THE DYNAMITE DRAGON." /></a> + + <h3>THE DYNAMITE DRAGON.</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page189" + id="page189"></a>[pg 189]</span> + + <h2>ON THE FIRST GREEN CHAIR.</h2> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:35%;"> + <a href="images/189-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/189-1.png" + alt="Thursday, April 7. Hyde Park. Mid-day." /> + </a>Thursday, April 7. Hyde Park. Mid-day. + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Reach it, attendant; wicked winter flies off:</p> + + <p class="i2">Place it with pomp for me to sit and + stare</p> + + <p>Up at the sun who banquets us with cries of</p> + + <p class="i4">"Chair!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Long have we pined in darkness most uncanny:</p> + + <p class="i2">Now to Hyde Park return its gauze of + gold,</p> + + <p>Jewels of crocus and enhancements mani-</p> + + <p class="i4">-fold.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Welcome, delicious zephyr, blithe new-comer,</p> + + <p class="i2">Urging to purchase patent-leather + boots,</p> + + <p>Hats of a virgin glossiness, and summer</p> + + <p class="i4">suits.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Welcome, attire of carnival-carousers,</p> + + <p class="i2">Suddenly bursting on the 'wildered + view.</p> + + <p>Mine—I don't mind confessing it—are + trousers</p> + + <p class="i4">new,</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>These that, serene in atmosphere serenest,</p> + + <p class="i2">Droop o'er a Chair, whose emerald taunts + the trees—</p> + + <p>Green are the leaves, and greener than the + greenest</p> + + <p class="i4">Peas!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>All things must end: to-morrow may be icy:</p> + + <p class="i2">Wither too soon the joys that freshest + are;</p> + + <p>End will sweet summer reveries, and my ci-</p> + + <p class="i4">gar.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Ends too that master-piece of Messrs. HYAM</p> + + <p class="i2">Bashfully hinted at in line sixteen;</p> + + <p>Green was the Chair I sat on—and now <i>I</i> + am</p> + + <p class="i4">green!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>"ALL'S (FAIRLY) WELL."</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>The War Office. Sanctum of the</i> + COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF. H.R.H. <i>is seated on a chair. To him + enter</i> (<i>after being properly complimented by a couple + of Grenadiers on guard over an area</i>) INSPECTOR-GENERAL + OF EVERYTHING, Field-Marshal PUNCH.</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="drama"> + <p><i>Inspector-General</i> (<i>sharply</i>). Well, Sir! + (COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF <i>comes briskly to attention</i>.) No, + your Royal Highness, you can be seated. I don't want to + disturb you—much! And now, how is the Easter Review + getting on?</p> + + <p><i>Com.-in-Chief</i>. First-rate, Sir. Excellent, Sir! + Couldn't be better, Sir!</p> + + <p><i>Insp.-Gen.</i> (<i>dryly</i>). I have heard those + phrases before, your Royal Highness—especially + "couldn't be better"—and found subsequently that + things ought to have been better, very much better, + Sir.</p> + + <p><i>Com.-in-Chief</i> (<i>anxiously</i>). But I assure + you, Sir, that this time we are doing our level best. Why, + Sir, fancy, we are going to have thirty thousand men under + arms! Think of that, Sir—thirty thousand men!</p> + + <p><i>Insp.-Gen.</i> About the numbers of a German Brigade, + or is it a Regiment?</p> + + <p><i>Com.-in-Chief</i> (<i>with a forced laugh</i>). Come, + Sir, I see you are joking! Yes, thirty thousand men, and + some of them are going down fully equipped. Why, for + instance, the Artists will march the whole way to the scene + of the operations with their own regimental transport! And + so will the 1st London Engineers. Think of that, Sir!</p> + + <p><i>Insp.-Gen.</i> And how much have you gentlemen here + had to do with that, Sir? Why, the Volunteers would have + been left in a state of utter unpreparedness had not the + public taken the initiative. What did the War Office and + the Horse Guards do towards giving them their kit?</p> + + <p><i>Com.-in-Chief</i>. Well, it is all right now, Sir. + And we are going to have a splendid time of it. The idea is + that a hostile force has landed at Deal during the early + hours of Monday morning, and—</p> + + <p><i>Insp.-Gen.</i> (<i>interrupting</i>). Yes, I have + read all that in the papers. But come, tell me who is to + command?</p> + + <p><i>Com.-in.-Chief</i> (<i>rather taken aback</i>). Well, + Sir, the customary crew. I suppose BILLY SEYMOUR.</p> + + <p><i>Insp. Gen.</i> (<i>severely</i>). I presume, your + Royal Highness, that you refer to General Lord WILLIAM + SEYMOUR, who will be in command at Dover.</p> + + <p><i>Com.-in-Chief</i> (<i>abashed</i>). Certainly, Sir. + You are a little particular to-day, Sir.</p> + + <p><i>Insp. Gen.</i> (<i>gravely</i>). I am always + particular—very particular—when I have to deal + with the Volunteers. Well, Sir, General Lord WILLIAM + SEYMOUR, commands at Dover—proceed, Sir; pray + proceed.</p> + + <p><i>Com.-in-Chief</i>. Then, Sir, there's General + GOODENOUGH at Maidstone, and General DAWSON-SCOTT at + Chatham.</p> + + <p><i>Insp.-Gen.</i> Is he a Volunteer?</p> + + <p><i>Com.-in-Chief</i> (<i>laughing</i>). Why no, Sir; of + course not, Sir. Why he's in the Royal Engineers. Although + in my Crimean days we never considered Sappers soldiers. We + used to say that—</p> + + <p><i>Insp.-Gen.</i> (<i>severely</i>). No levity, Sir. And + pray who else is to be in command?</p> + + <p><i>Com.-in-Chief</i>. Well, Sir, I shall be present + myself on Saturday, and then take the March-past on + Monday.</p> + + <p><i>Insp.-Gen.</i> Yes; but how about the Volunteers? + What about them? Why don't you let the officers command + their own men?</p> + + <p><i>Com.-in-Chief</i>. Why, Sir, you see in time of + war—</p> + + <p><i>Insp.-Gen.</i> (<i>interrupting</i>). You would find + Volunteer officers as capable as any others. Your Royal + Highness has no doubt studied the lessons taught by the war + between the Northerners and the Southerners in America?</p> + + <p><i>Com.-in-Chief</i>. I have glanced at the subject, + Sir, at the Royal United Service Institute. And may I + venture to hope that you are satisfied, Sir?</p> + + <p><i>Insp.-Gen.</i> (<i>after a pause</i>). Well, yes, I + think you are doing better. But, in future, give a share of + the command to Volunteers <i>pur et simple</i>. And now + just jot down what I have further to say to you.</p> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Scene closes in upon the</i> COM.-IN-CHIEF <i>taking + notes.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h2>CONNECTED WITH THE PRESS.</h2> + + <p>At a recent meeting of the Institute of Journalists, it was + proposed that future candidates for membership should undergo + an examination to test their qualifications before election. + Should the proposal be adopted, no doubt some such paper as the + following will be set to those desirous of obtaining the right + of adding "M.I.J." to their names.</p> + + <p>1. Would you as a Reporter venture to use such expressions + as "devouring element" or "destructive fluid" in sending in + "flimsy" to a London Daily Paper? State when you would consider + yourself entitled to describe yourself "a Special."</p> + + <p>2. What are the rights of a Journalist at a free luncheon? + If an Editor finds himself present, should he return thanks for + the Press himself, or leave that duty in the hands of a + bumptious Reporter.</p> + + <p>3. Write an essay upon the Law of Libel, and say when a + paper, (1) should apologise, (2) fight it out, and, (3) settle + it out of Court.</p> + + <p>4. Define the difference between a "comment of public + importance" and a "puffing advertisement."</p> + + <p>5. What is "log-rolling?" Give examples to illustrate the + meaning of the word.</p> + + <p>6. Show, concisely, why the World could not revolve without + the Press, and why the Press would cease to be without your own + personal assistance.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>UPON JULIA'S COAT.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>After Herrick.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:22%;"> + <a href="images/189-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/189-2.png" + alt="LENTEN FASHION." /></a> + + <h4>LENTEN FASHION.</h4>Sack-Coat, nearest approach to + Sackcloth, for Lent. + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Whenas my JULIA wears a sack,</p> + + <p>That hides the outline of her back,</p> + + <p>I cry, in sore distress, "Alack!"</p> + + <p>She showed a dainty waist when dressed</p> + + <p>In jacket; true, the size confessed</p> + + <p>That whalebone had its shape compressed.</p> + + <p>Still was her form sweet as her face,</p> + + <p>But now what change has taken place!</p> + + <p>This "sack coat" hides all maiden grace.</p> + + <p>Although men's clothes are always vile,</p> + + <p>The coat, the trousers and the "tile"!</p> + + <p>Some sense still lingers in each style.</p> + + <p>But women's garments should be fair,</p> + + <p>All graceful, gay and debonair.</p> + + <p>And if they lack good sense, why care?</p> + + <p>O JULIA, cease to wear a sack,</p> + + <p>A garb all artists should attack,</p> + + <p>In which both sense and beauty lack!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>DRINKS AND DRAMAS.</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>("HENRY THE EIGHTH is a Soda-water Play."—<i>Mr. + Irving's Evidence before the Committee</i>.)</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>Mr. Irving has now completed his list of refreshments suited + to performances. They can be obtained, like Mr. GOSCHEN's + reserve of shillings, "on application," which does not mean + gratis.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p><i>Macbeth</i>.—Very fine old Scotch.</p> + + <p><i>Hamlet</i>.—Bitters.</p> + + <p><i>Romeo and Juliet</i>.—Rum and Milk.</p> + + <p><i>Othello</i>.—Dublin Stout.</p> + + <p><i>Merchant of Venice</i>.—Port(1 A.).</p> + + <p><i>Charles the First</i>.—Bottled Ale (with a fine + head).</p> + + <p><i>The Cup</i>.—Tea.</p> + + <p><i>Faust</i>.—Ginger Brandy.</p> + + <p><i>Much Ado About Nothing</i>.—Benedictine.</p> + + <p><i>Corsican Brothers</i>.—Half-and-half.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page190" + id="page190"></a>[pg 190]</span> + + <h2>A BERLIN CITIZEN'S DIARY.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Translated by Our First Standard Board + Scholar.</i>)</h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["It is stated that the soldier who, on Friday last, + fired at and killed a man who threatened him while on + sentry duty before the barracks in the Wrangel-strasse, + Berlin, has been promoted to the rank of corporal, for what + is described as his correct conduct on the occasion. The + passerby, who was wounded at the same time, still lies in a + precarious condition."—<i>St. James's Gazette</i>, + April 6.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>April 1.</i>—I go walking near barracks; see man + looking quietly at building. Suddenly fires the sentry with his + long distance rifle, so that the straight onward through the + harmless onlooker's heart and through my never sufficiently to + be regretted right arm passing bullet in the remote distance a + child kills. Long live our good Emperor and his glorious army! + Carried home insensible.</p> + + <p><i>June 1.</i>—At last am I from arm-amputation + recovered and walk again out. The sentry was for his on the + first April quite courageous act to be Sergeant promoted. Here + comes a Sergeant! He is it! Look curiously at him whereupon he + me in the leg shoots. Long live our Emperor! Again carried + home.</p> + + <p><i>Sept. 1.</i>—Again out, in invalid chair, meet same + man, now Lieutenant. I murmur sadly, "Ah, my friend, I gave you + a leg-up indeed!" Then he, saying that I him insulted have, my + remaining arm with his sword off cuts. I respect our Emperor, + but I love not his soldiers now. Must hire an amanuensis.</p> + + <p><i>January 1.</i>—After my long illness go I once + again, Unter den Linden, in my invalid chair—that is to + say, what is left of me. My enemy is now a Colonel. Shall I him + again see? Heaven forbid! Alas, he comes even now, with those + weapons which so rapidly him increase, and me diminish! I say + nothing, but he, seeing me, with his sword my last limb off + cuts. I love not even our Emperor now.</p> + + <p><i>May 1.</i>—To-day is the Socialists' Day, and I can + once more out-dragged be. I am now a without legs or arms + Socialist. My enemy can be promoted now only by my body. He has + become a General and Count—(<i>Here the Diary ends + abruptly.</i>)</p> + + <p>"<i>Berlin, May 2.</i>—Yesterday an unfortunate + Gentleman, without arms or legs, when passing the Royal Palace + in his invalid chair, was attacked by a distinguished officer, + who ran his sword through the heart of the unoffending + civilian. The assassin was immediately promoted, as is usual in + such cases, and is now Field Marshal Prince BLUTUNDRUHM VON + SCHLACHTHAUSEN."—<i>London Daily Papers.</i></p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/190-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/190-1.png" + alt="CULTURE." /></a> + + <h3>CULTURE.</h3>SCENE—<i>A Private Picture + Gallery.</i> + + <p><i>Noble Sportsman</i> (<i>opposite choice example of + Canaletto</i>). "I SAY, BY JOVE, I SEE YOU'VE GOT A PICTURE + OF OLYMPIA HERE!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <h4>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h4> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:28%;"> + <a href="images/190-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/190-2.png" + alt="Alpheus Cleophas." /></a>Alpheus Cleophas. + </div> + + <p><i>House of Commons, Monday, April 4.</i>—ALPHEUS + CLEOPHAS has added a new terror to Parliamentary life. It is + bad enough to have him unexpectedly rising from a customary + seat; usually finds a place on top Bench below Gangway, whence, + in days that are no more, NEWDEGATE used to lament fresh + evidences of Papal ascendancy. House grown accustomed to + hearing the familiar voice from this accustomed spot. To-night, + conversation on question of Privilege been going forward for + some time. Seemed about to reach conclusion, when suddenly, far + below the Gangway in Irish quarter, ominous sound broke on + startled ear.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/190-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/190-3.png" + alt="Personal Conductor." /></a>Personal Conductor. + </div> + + <p>At first all eyes turned to NEWDEGATE's old quarters; but + the voice evidently did not proceed thence. Following the + sound, Members came upon ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS breaking out in a + fresh place. Otherwise, all the same; the flat-toned voice, the + imperturbable manner that awaits cessation of storm of obloquy, + and then completes interrupted sentence; the conviction that + somebody (generally the Government) is acting dishonestly, and + needs a watchful eye kept upon him; the information conveyed + that the Eye is now turned on—all were there, each + identified ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS. Up again and again during + preliminary discussion, always shouted at, and ever quietly + waiting till noise has subsided, when he finishes the + interrupted sentence, and begins another.</p> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—In Committee on Small + Holdings.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday.</i>—Happy circumstance in the history of + all Administrations that there is never lacking a friend on + their own side to keep them on the right path. RADCLIFFE COOKE + suddenly developed tendency towards personally conducting the + Government. Hitherto appeared as a docile follower. New state + of affairs arose in connection with Breach of Privilege by + Cambrian Railway Directors. HICKS-BEACH last night gave notice + to take into consideration Special Report of Select Committee + charging Directors with Breach of Privilege. BEACH proposed to + wait awhile till "the other side" had got up a case or two, to + show that if Masters were prone to punish their Servants for + giving inconvenient evidence on question of Hours of Labour, + the Servants were no better when they had power to inflict + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page191" + id="page191"></a>[pg 191]</span> on each other similar + punishment. BEACH made his proposal in matter-of-fact way, + anticipating general concurrence. But CHANNING objected; + GEORGE TREVELYAN did not approve the suggestion; while the + SQUIRE OF MALWOOD eagerly seized BEACH's maladroit phrase + about "the other side," and made great play with it. + Probably BEACH might have disregarded this action from + Opposition Benches; but different when RADCLIFFE COOKE rose + from Bench immediately behind Ministers, and in severely + judicial manner criticised proposed action of President of + Board of Trade. BEACH said nothing at moment; after some + hours' reflection, announced withdrawal of original + proposition and intention of proceeding with indictment of + Cambrian Directors without waiting for case of "the other + side."</p> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/191.png"><img width="60%" + src="images/191.png" + alt="WANTED, A FIGURE REPRESENTATIVE OF THE LONDON COUNTY COUNCIL." /> + </a> + + <h3>WANTED, A FIGURE REPRESENTATIVE OF THE LONDON COUNTY + COUNCIL.</h3>SOME OF THE SUGGESTIONS SENT IN TO MR. PUNCH. + </div><span class="pagenum"><a name="page192" + id="page192"></a>[pg 192]</span> + + <p>To-day he moved that on Thursday the accused should appear + at Bar of House. This on point of being agreed to when COOKE + again appeared on scene; with increased impressiveness of + manner argued against BEACH's proposal. Prince ARTHUR began to + look uneasy; no knowing where this sort of thing would end if + it spread. What with SEXTON on one side correcting grammar of + Ministerial Resolutions, and RADCLIFFE COOKE on the other + amending their procedure, it really seemed time to go to the + country. Something like condition of paralysis stealing over + Treasury Bench when SPEAKER came to assistance of Ministers, + and benignly but effectively pointed out to COOKE that he was + one too many, was in fact spoiling the broth. COOKE tried to + argue the matter out, but SPEAKER peremptory and Ministers + saved from fresh rebuff.</p> + + <p>"It's all very well for them arguing round the subject like + that," said MACLURE, nervously mopping his forehead. "But it's + a very different thing with me, at my age and fighting weight. + An Insurance Broker, Director of various Railway and other + Companies, formerly Major of the 40th Lancashire Volunteers, a + Trustee for three Church livings, and father of a large family, + to be brought up on a Breach of Privilege is no slight matter. + Indignity is aggravated by the locality. 'The Bar' is the last + place in the world where the friends of JOHN WILLIAM MACLURE + would think it likely to find him."</p> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—In Committee on Small + Holdings.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday Night.</i>—After all, MACLURE didn't have + to stand at the Bar to-night, so his feelings were saved a + peculiarly painful wrench. But the Chairman of Cambrian Railway + held a special meeting at Bar. It was attended by Mr. BAILEY + HAWKINS, and Mr. JOHN CONACHER, Manager of the Company. The + SERGEANT-AT-ARMS also looked in, bringing the Mace with + him.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:21%;"> + <a href="images/192-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/192-1.png" + alt="Turning his Back on his own Resolution." /> + </a>Turning his Back on his own Resolution. + </div> + + <p>"Now if they were <i>really</i> going to have anything at + the Bar," said MACLURE, looking wistfully on, "a drop of mulled + port or anything like that, Mace would come in handy. Suppose + ERSKINE would dip it in the jorum and stir the liquor + round."</p> + + <p>So MACLURE joked, and so, as JULIUS 'ANNIBAL, naturally + well-posted up in this epoch of history, reminds me, NERO + fiddled whilst Rome burned. Fact is, MACLURE in terrible funk; + mental condition shared by his Chairman, Co-director, and the + Manager. The latter, resolved to sell his life dearly, brought + in his umbrella, which gave him a quite casual + hope-I-don't-intrude appearance as he stood at the Bar.</p> + + <p>Members at first disposed to regard whole matter as a joke. + Cheered MACLURE when he came in at a half trot; laughed when, + the Bar pulled out, difficulty arose about making both ends + meet.</p> + + <p>"That's the Chancellor of the Exchequer's duty," said + WILFRID LAWSON; "GOSCHEN ought to go and lend a hand."</p> + + <p>Bursts of laughter and buzz of conversation in all parts of + the House; general aspect more like appearance at theatre on + Boxing Night when audience waits for curtain to rise on new + pantomime. Only the SPEAKER grave, even solemn; his voice + occasionally rising above merry din with stern cry of "Order! + order!"</p> + + <p>"Of course, now they're at the Bar they can order what they + please," said TANNER. Well the SPEAKER didn't hear him. Later, + on eve of final division, he offered another remark in louder + tone. SPEAKER thundered down upon him like a tornado, and + TANNER quiet for rest of sitting.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/192-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/192-2.png" + alt="The Woolwich Infant 'goes off.'" /></a>The + Woolwich Infant "goes off." + </div> + + <p>HICKS-BEACH's speech gave new and more serious turn to + affairs. Concluded with Motion declaring Directors guilty of + Breach of Privilege and sentencing them to admonition. But + speech itself clearly made out that Directors were blameless; + all the bother lying at door of Railway Servant who had been + dismissed. Speech, in short, turned its back on Resolution. + This riled the Radicals; not to be soothed even by Mr. G. + interposing in favourite character as GRAND OLD PACIFICATOR. + Storm raged all night; division after division taken; finally, + long past midnight, Directors again brought up to the Bar, the + worn, almost shrivelled, appearance of CONACHER's umbrella + testifying to the mental suffering undergone during the seven + hours that had passed since last they stood there.</p> + + <p>SPEAKER, with awful mien and in terrible tones, "admonished" + them; and so to bed.</p> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—Cambrian Directors admonished + for Breach of Privilege.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday, April 12.</i>—House adjourns to-day for + Easter Holidays; good many adjourned after Friday's Sitting; + some waited to hear JOKIM bringing in his Budget last night. + Few left to-day to wind up the business. HUGHES, gallant + Colonel who represents Woolwich, here a few minutes ago. But + he's gone too. "Sometimes," he said, with a far-away smile, + "they call me 'the Woolwich Infant.' If I am such a very big + gun, perhaps the best thing I can do is to go off."</p> + + <p>I follow his example.</p> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—Adjourned for Easter + Holidays.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE LEGEND OF THE MUTTON BONE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>By Our Newly-Married Poetess.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/192-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/192-3.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When the world is full of flowers and of butterflies + at play,</p> + + <p>I could sit beneath the roses eating chocolates all + day;</p> + + <p>But my heart is very heavy as I ponder with + dismay</p> + + <p class="i6">On the Mutton Bone a-lying in the + Larder!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>For GEORGE has squandered sixpence on a telegram + from town,</p> + + <p>To say that he has come across "that dear old + chappie—BROWNE,"</p> + + <p>And to dine with us this evening he means to bring + him down—</p> + + <p class="i6">And the Mutton Bone is lying in the + Larder!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I have just been down to see it, and my courage + sinks a-new,</p> + + <p>Though Cook has kindly promised me her very best to + do—</p> + + <p>Which means that she'll convert into an appetising + stew</p> + + <p class="i6">The Mutton Bone a-lying in the + Larder.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But I suddenly remember, with a blush of rosy + pink,</p> + + <p>That Cook—alas! is given to the frequent use + of drink,</p> + + <p>And if she once gets muddled up—perhaps she'll + never think</p> + + <p class="i6">Of the Mutton Bone a-lying in the + Larder!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <hr class="short" /> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>As the western sun is gilding all the heather of the + moor,</p> + + <p>Down the basement stairs I'm creeping—till a + widely open door</p> + + <p>Shows me Cook in heavy slumber on her cherished + kitchen floor—</p> + + <p class="i6">And the Mutton Bone is lying in the + Larder!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>O GEORGE, there'll be no dinner, dear, for you and + BROWNE to-day!</p> + + <p>I picture to myself the pretty words that you will + say—</p> + + <p>And I seize my guinea bonnet—and I wander far + away</p> + + <p class="i6">From the Mutton Bone a-lying in the + Larder!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>MOTTO FOR A SOAP CO.—"Nothing like Lather."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> +<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 102, APRIL 16, 1892***</p> +<p>******* This file should be named 14452-h.txt or 14452-h.zip *******</p> +<p>This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:<br /> +<a href="https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/4/4/5/14452">https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/4/5/14452</a></p> +<p>Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed.</p> + +<p>Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. 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C. Burnand + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 102, April 16, 1892 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: December 24, 2004 [eBook #14452] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 102, APRIL 16, 1892*** + + +E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Project Gutenberg +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 14452-h.htm or 14452-h.zip: + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/4/4/5/14452/14452-h/14452-h.htm) + or + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/4/4/5/14452/14452-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 102 + +APRIL 16, 1892 + + + + + + + +WRESTLING WITH WHISTLERS. + +(A REMINISCENCE OF A RECENT EXHIBITION.) + + SCENE--_The Goupil Gallery. Groups of more or less puzzled + Britons discovered, conscientiously endeavouring to do justice + to the Collection, having realised that Mr. WHISTLER's work + is now considered entitled to serious consideration, but + feeling themselves unable to get beyond a timid tolerance. + In addition to these, there are Frank Philistines who are + here with a fixed intention of being funny, Matrons with a + strongly domesticated taste in Art, Serious Elderly Ladies, + Literal Persons, &c., &c._ + +_A Lady_ (_after looking at a representation of Old Battersea +Bridge--in the tone of a person who feels she is making a liberal +concession_). Well, do you know, I must say that _isn't_ so bad. I +shouldn't so much mind having _that_ in the room, should you? + +[Illustration: A Brother Brush.] + +_Her Companion_ (_dubiously_). Well, I don't know. He's put a steamer +in. Should you think there _were_ steamers in--a--(_vaguely_)--those +days? + +_First Lady_ (_evidently considering Mr. WHISTLER capable of any +eccentricity_). Oh, I don't suppose he would mind _that_ much. + +_First Literal Person_ (_coming to the portrait of Miss ALEXANDER_). +Well--(_plaintively_)--he _might_ have put a nicer expression on the +child! + +_Second Do. Do._ Yes--very unpleasing. (_Refers to Catalogue._) Oh, +I see it says--"It is simply a disagreeable presentment of a +disagreeable young lady." + +_First Do. Do._ (_rejoicing that the painter has vindicated himself +this time_). Ah--that _explains_ it, then. Of course if he _meant_ +it--! + +_A Serious Elderly Lady._ There's one thing I must say I _do_ like, my +dear, and that's the way he puts down all the unfavourable criticisms +on his pictures. So straightforward and honest of him, _I_ call it. + +_Her Companion._ Yes, but I expect he can't help seeing how right and +sensible the critics are, you know. Still--(_charitably_)--it shows he +would do better if he _could_! + +_An Advanced Nephew_ (_who is endeavouring to convert a Philistine +Uncle to the superiority of the Modern School_). Now here, Uncle, +look at this. Look at the way the figure looms out of the canvas, look +at the learning in the simple sweep of the drapery, the _drawing_ of +it, and the masterly grace of the pose--you don't mean to tell me you +don't call _that_ a magnificent portrait? + +_His Uncle._ Who's it of? That's what _I_ want to know first. + +_Nephew_ (_coldly_). You will find it in the Catalogue, no doubt--No. +41. + +_Uncle_ (_looking it up_). "_Arrangement in Black. La Dame au +Brodequin Jaune._"--the lady in a yellow something or other. Tchah! +And not a word to tell you who she's supposed to _be_? If I pay a +shilling for a Catalogue, I expect to find information in it. And let +me ask you--where's the interest in looking at a portrait when you're +not told who it's intended for? + + [_The Nephew, not being prepared to answer this difficult + query, leads his relative gently up to a "Nocturne in Opal and + Silver." The Uncle conveys his opinion of it by a loud and + expressive snort._ + +_First Prosaic Person_ (_before No. 28_). Valparaiso, is it? +(_Hopefully._) Well, come, I _ought_ to recognise this--I've _been_ +there often enough. (_Inspecting it closely._) Ha--um! + +_Second P.P._ (_with languid interest_). Is it _like_? + +_First P.P._ I could tell you better if he'd done it by daylight. +I can't make out this in the front--looks to me like the top of a +_house_, or something. Don't remember _that_. + +_Second P.P._ I think it's meant for a jetty, landing-stage, or that +sort of thing, and, when you look _into_ it, there's something that +seems intended for people--_most_ extraordinary, isn't it? + +_The Domesticated Matron_ (_who is searching for a picture with a +subject to it_). There, CAROLINE, it's evidently a _harbour_, you see, +and ships, and they're letting off fireworks--probably for a regatta, +Does it tell you what it is in the Catalogue? + +_Caroline_ (_after consulting it_). It only says, "_A Nocturne in Blue +and Gold_"--oh yes--(_reading_)--"a splash and splutter of brightness, +on a black ground, to depict a display of fireworks." + +_Her Mother_ (_gratified at her own intelligence_). I thought it +_must_ be fireworks. He seems quite _fond_ of fireworks, doesn't he? + +_First Facetious Philistine._ Hullo, what have we got here? +"_Crepuscule, in Flesh-colour and Green._" Very _like_ one, too, +daresay--when you know what it is. + +_Second F.P._ As far as I can make it out, a Crepuscule's either a +Harmony inside out, or a Symphony upside down--it don't much matter. + +_A Lady_ (_who is laboriously trying to catch the right spirit_). +"_The Blue Wave at Biarritz_." Now I _do_ admire that. And what I like +even better than the Blue wave is this great Brown one breaking in the +foreground--so exactly _like_ water, isn't it, DICK? + +_Dick_ (_not a Whistlerite_). Y--yes--just. Only it's a rock, you +know. + +_The Lady._ But if that's the way he _saw_ it, DICK! + +_Dick._ Here's a thing! "_St. Mark's, Venice_." I'll _trouble_ you! +What's he done with the flagstaffs and the bronze horses and the +pigeons? _I_ never saw the place look like that. + +_The Lady._ Because it didn't happen to be _foggy_ while we were +there, that's all. + +_First Pros. Person._ Ah, there's old CARLYLE, you see! Dear me, what +a very badly fitting coat--see how it bulges over his chest! + +_Second P.P._ Yes. I daresay he buttoned the wrong button--philosopher +and all that sort o' thing, y'know. + +_First P.P._ (_sympathetically_). Well, I _do_ think WHISTLER might +have _told_ him of it! + +IN THE SECOND ROOM. + +_The Matron in Search of a Subject._ Ah, now, this really is more +_my_ idea of a picture. Quite a pretty _cretonne_ those curtains, +and there's a little girl reading a book, and a looking-glass with +reflections and all, and a young lady in a riding-habit--just going +out for a ride. + +_Caroline._ Yes. Mother. Or just come in from one. + +_Her Mother._ Do see what it's called. "_The Morning Canter_" or +"_Back from the Row_"--something of that kind, I _expect_ it would be. + +_Caroline._ All it says is, "_A Harmony in Green and Rose_." + +_The Mother_ (_disappointed_). Now, why can't he give it some +_sensible_ name, instead of taking away all one's interest! + +_The Phil. Uncle_ (_whom a succession of Symphonies and Harmonies has +irritated to the verge of fury_). Don't talk to me, Sir! Don't tell me +any of these things are pictures. Look at _this_--a young woman in an +outlandish dress sitting on the floor--on the bare floor!--in a litter +of Japanese sketches! And he has the confounded impertinence to call +it a "_Caprice_"--a "_Caprice in Purple and Gold_." _I_'d purple and +gold him, Sir, if I had _my_ way! Where's the _sense_ in such things? +What do they _teach_ you? What _story_ do they tell? Where's the +_human interest_ in them? Depend upon it, Sir, these things are +rubbish--sheer rubbish, according to all _my_ notions of Art, and I +think you'll allow I _ought_ to know something about it? + +_His Nephew_ (_provoked beyond prudence_). You certainly ought to know +more than _that_, my dear Unc--Are you going? + +_The Uncle_ (_grimly_). Yes--to see my Solicitor, Sir. (_To himself, +savagely._) That confounded young prig will find he's paid dear enough +for his precious Whistlers--if I don't have a fit in the cab! + + [_He goes; the Nephew wonders whether his attempt at + proselytising was quite worth while._ + +_A Seriously Elderly Lady._ I've no _patience_ with the man. Look +at GUTSTAVE DORE, now. I'm sure _he_ was a beautiful artist, if +you _like_. Did _he_ go and call his "_Leaving the Praetorium_" a +"Symphony" or a "Harmony," or any nonsense of that kind? Of course +not--and yet look at the _difference_! + +_An Impressionable Person_ (_carried away by the local influence--to +the Man at the wicket, blandly_). Could you kindly oblige me by +exchanging this "Note in Black and White" for an "Arrangement in +Silver and Gold"? + + [_Finds himself cruelly misunderstood, and suspected of + frivolity._ + + * * * * * + +PERSONAL PARAGRAPHS. + +The Rev. No. 354, writing from Dartmoor, requests us to inform +his numerous friends in Bath and elsewhere that his health is much +improved by the bracing air, and that he is occupied in revising for +the press his course of Sermons to the Young on the Moral Virtues. +He is also anxious to inform his creditors that his accounts are now +completely in order. It is a source of great comfort to him to reflect +that he was able to obtain considerable sums of money from his friends +in Bath, before he was obliged to leave that city, and that, with the +residue of this money, obtained so to speak from PETER, he will now +have the satisfaction of paying a farthing in the pound to PAUL, in +other words, to his creditors. + +Mrs. BRINVILLIERS was yesterday visited by her friends. Our readers +will be glad to know that she is quite well and has escaped the +influenza epidemic. + +Mr. ST. LEONARDS, with the consent of the Governor, takes this +opportunity of thanking the friends who have so kindly condoled with +him on the unavoidable interruption to his long and arduous work in +the service of his country. He hopes that nothing will prevent him +from displaying equal zeal in the still more arduous labour, which, +also for the benefit of his country, he is now compelled to undertake +for a certain period. + +Miss DODGER is still unwell. The HOME SECRETARY has not yet sent +instructions for a special drawing-room to be fitted up in the prison, +nor has he, up till now, given any permission for Miss DODGER's +afternoon receptions, and five o'clock teas. It is generally +considered that the probability of his doing so, without a Special Act +of Parliament, is still very remote. + + * * * * * + +BROKEN BONDS. + + ["I learn from St. Petersburg, that, last Saturday, + conferences were begun between Russia and Germany on the + admission of the former to the new commercial treaties."--_The + Times Paris Correspondent on "Russia and the Central + Commercial League."_] + +_La Belle France, the Forsaken One, loquitur_:-- + + What do I hear? Oh, do I hear aright, + Over the garden wall? + My latest love, my gallant Muscovite, + Is this the end, this all? + My heartbeats fast, a mist obscures my sight. + Support me, or I fall! + + What can he mean? Whatever is she at?-- + Ah! well I know _her_ game! + GERMANIA is a vile coquette, a cat. + Seducing my new flame + With mercenary lures, and low at that! + It is a cruel shame! + + But six short months ago and I to him + Indeed seemed all in all. + A stalwart lover, though _tant soit peu_ grim, + I fancied him my thrall. + And was it after all pretence, or whim? + Oh, prospect, to appal! + + I know my envious rivals said as much,[1] + But that I deemed their spite, + Was't but my money he desired to clutch? + I lent it--with delight! + Were his mere venal vows? His bonds but such + As SAMSON snapped at sight? + + See how she purrs, false puss! She deems her _dot_ + May well out-glitter mine. + And he! That slow seductive smile I know. + At Cronstadt by the brine, + To that dear dulcet voice, not long ago, + My ears did I incline. + + Ah! and those fine moustachios' conquering curl + Subdued my maiden heart. + For me those tendril-tips he'd twist and twirl, + Looking so gay, so smart; + And now he does it for another girl, + And I--I stand apart. + + Did I not give my heart to him--false one!-- + And also--well, my "stocking"? + Nor after her "commercial" charms he'll run, + My modest beauties mocking. + Hist! I believe of me they're making fun! + _O Ciel_! 'tis simply shocking! + + Hist! I can hear her, the sly cat. How fond + Her glances bold and bright! + Her bag is brimming, mine's a broken bond. + I dreamed not me he'd slight + For such mere bagman beauty, tamely blonde, + But--ah! _was_ BLOWITZ right? + + [_Left doubting._ + +[Footnote 1: "The success of a Russian Loan is not dearly purchased by +a little effusion, which, after all, commits Russia to nothing." (See +Cartoon "Turning the Tables," Sept. 26, 1891.)] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A TERRIBLE THREAT. + +Impatient Old Gentleman (to Female Post-Office Assistant, who is +chatting pleasantly with an agreeable acquaintance). "LOOK HERE, +YOUNG WOMAN, IF YOU DON'T GIVE ME MY CHANGE, CONFOUND IT, I'M HANGED +IF I DON'T GO AWAY _WITHOUT IT_!"] + + * * * * * + +DR. VAUGHAN, of Salford, is to be the New Roman Catholic Archbishop of +Westminster. He is a bright cheerful-looking man now, but it is to +be feared that the extra toil and trouble of London may soon give his +features a Care-Vaughan expression. + + * * * * * + +THE BOUNDS OF SCIENCE. + +(FRAGMENT FROM A FIN DE MONDE ROMANCE.) + +The Student had read many things, but he had not yet considered +the subject of Coal. He knew that it was expensive, but he had not +imagined that there was so little in the world. But he at length +obtained the requisite knowledge, and set to work to put things +to-rights. He called upon the Secretary of a Transatlantic Ocean +Steamer Company, and remonstrated with him upon the waste with which +the transactions of his institution were conducted. + +"You carry your passengers too rapidly," he observed. + +"As how?" asked the Secretary. + +"Why I am given to understand that the power generated by the coal +gives each person on board your ships a rate of progression night and +day of twenty-four horses." + +"And, if it does--what then?" + +"Why, it is too much," returned the Student. "All the coal in the +world will be exhausted in something like four or five hundred years; +and so, while there is yet time, I had better go somewhere where coal +is a secondary consideration. What shall I do?" + +And then the Secretary advised the Student to take a ticket to the +Centre of Africa--and the Student followed his advice. But the day +before the boat started, the Student once more appeared. + +"I am afraid," said he, "I must ask you for the return of my money. I +find that it will be useless for me to go to the Centre of Africa, as +the Sun is about to cease giving warmth." + +"Dear me!" cried the Secretary, "I was under the impression that the +Sun was timed to last about one hundred millions of years?" + +"It may have been in the far distant past," returned the Student, +sadly, "but recent statistics fix the termination of the Sun's +existence at a much nearer date. There is no doubt that the Sun +will not last more than four millions of years, or five millions at +longest. Now give me my money!" + +And (of course) the bullion was promptly returned. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BROKEN BONDS. + +_La France_. "IS IT POSSIBLE!--BUT SIX MONTHS AGO!--AND NOW--"] + + * * * * * + +LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS. + +NO. XII.--TO PLAUSIBILITY. + +DEAR OLD PLAU, + +Hear you have been seen about again with GENIALITY. Poor GENIALITY, it +may be admitted, is often something of a fool when he is by himself, +but when you and he begin to hunt in couples, you are a deadly +pair. I once knew a St. Bernard dog--you will perceive the analogy +by-and-by--who lived on terms of friendship with a Skye terrier. +By himself _Rufus_ was a mild and inoffensive giant. He adored the +house-cat, and used to help her, in a ponderous way, with the care +of her numerous family. Many a time have I seen him placidly extended +before a fire, while puss used his shaggy body as a sleeping box, and +once he was observed to help that anxious tabby-mother with the toilet +of her kittens by licking them carefully all over. At every lick of +_Rufus's_ huge prehensile tongue a kitten was lifted bodily into the +air, only, however, to descend washed and unharmed to the ground. But +out of doors, in the society of _Flick, Rufus's_ whole nature seemed +to change. He became a demon-exterminator of cats. Led on by his +yelping little friend, he chased them fiercely to their last retreats, +and, if he caught them, masticated them without mercy. Once too, on +a morning that had been appointed for a big covert-shoot, I noticed +this strangely assorted pair come into the breakfast-room panting and +dirty. They were not usually afoot before breakfast. What could their +condition mean? A flustered keeper arrived shortly afterwards and +explained everything. "Them two dogs o' yourn, Sir," he said, "the big +'un and the little 'un, 'ave run all the coverts through. There's not +a pheasant left in 'em. They're sailin' all over the country." + +[Illustration] + +The truth was that _Flick_ had organised the expedition with +extraordinary secrecy and cunning. He had persuaded _Rufus_ to join +him, and the result was that we shot forty pheasants instead of the +three hundred on which we had counted. + +Now, my dear PLAU, I merely record this little story, and leave you +to apply it. But I may remind you of incidents that touch you more +nearly. Do you remember GORTON? Many years ago GORTON went to Oxford +with a brilliant reputation. Every triumph that the University could +confer was held to be within his grasp. His contemporaries looked +upon him as a marvellous being, who was destined to rise to the top +of whatever tree he felt disposed to climb. He was really a delightful +fellow, fresh, smiling, expansive, amusing, and his friends all +worshipped him. Of course he went in for the Hertford. His success was +certain; it was merely a question as to who should be second. On the +evening before the examination began, there was a strange commotion in +GORTON's College. GORTON, who was supposed to have been reading hard, +was found at about twelve o'clock in the quad in his nightgown. He was +on all fours, and was engaged in eating grass and roaring out ribald +snatches of Latin songs in a shrill voice. When the porter approached +him he said he was a hippogriff, and that in another ten minutes he +intended to fly to Iffley and back in half a second. He was carried +up to bed raving horribly. On the following day he grew calmer, and +in a week he was himself again. But by that time, of course, the +examination was over, and DUBBIN was soon afterwards announced as the +successful competitor. + +Judging the past by what I know now, I cannot doubt that the madness +of GORTON was what patrons of the prize-ring call a put-up job, for +he never afterwards showed the smallest symptom of lunacy. He had not +worked sufficiently, and knew he must fail. So he became temporarily +insane, to avoid defeat and maintain his reputation for scholarship. +He left Oxford without taking a degree, and owing money right and +left--to tradesmen, to his friends, to his tutor. Then he disappeared +for some years. + +Next he suddenly cropped up again in Ireland. A small borough +constituency had been suddenly declared vacant. GORTON happened to be +staying in the hotel. He promptly offered himself as a candidate, and +plunged with extraordinary vigour into the contest. The way that man +fooled a simple-hearted Irish electorate was marvellous. They came to +believe him to be a millionnaire, a king of finance, a personage at +whose nod Statesmen trembled, a being who mingled with all that was +highest and best in the land. He cajoled them, he flattered them, he +talked them round his little finger, he rollicked with them, opened +golden vistas of promise to everyone of them, smiled at their wives, +defied the Lord Lieutenant, and was elected by a crushing majority +over a native pork-merchant who had nothing but his straightforward +honesty to commend him. Of course there was a petition, and equally +of course GORTON was unseated. Then came the reckoning. GORTON had +apparently intimated that two of the great London political Clubs were +so warmly interested in his candidature as to have undertaken to pay +all his expenses. But when application was made to these institutions, +their secretaries professed a complete and chilling ignorance of +GORTON, and the deputation from Ballywhacket, which had gone to London +in search of gold, had to return empty-handed to their native place, +after wasting a varied stock of full-flavoured Irish denunciation on +the London pavements. But GORTON was undaunted. He actually published +an address in which he lashed the hateful ingratitude of men +who betrayed their friends with golden words, and abandoned them +shamefully in the hour of defeat. But never, so he said, would he +abandon the betrayed electors of Ballywhacket. Others might shuffle, +and cheat and cozen, but he might be counted upon to remain firm, +faithful, and incorruptible amidst the seething waves of political +turpitude. + +Having issued this, he vanished again, and was heard of no more for +six or seven years. Then he gradually began to emerge again. He was +engaged in the completion of an immense work of genealogical research, +which was intended to cast an entirely new light on many obscure +incidents of English history. For this he solicited encouragement--and +subscriptions. He enclosed with his appeals some specimen pages, which +appeared to promise marvels of industry and research. His preface +was a wonderful essay, of which a HAYWARD would scarcely have +been ashamed. In this way he gathered a large amount of money from +historical enthusiasts with more ardour than knowledge, and from old +friends who, knowing his real ability, believed that he had at last +determined to justify the opinions of him which they had always held +and expressed. It is unnecessary to add that not another line was +written. For several years ill health was supposed to hinder him. We +read piteous stories of his struggles against the agonies of neuralgia +and rheumatics, some of us threw good money after bad in the effort to +relieve the imaginary sufferer; but to this day the proofs of PERKIN +WARBECK's absolute claim to the throne, and of JACK CADE's indubitable +royal descent remain in the scheming brain of GORTON. Eventually the +poor wretch did die in penury, but over that part of his story I need +not linger. The irony of fate ordained that when he was actually in +want he should wish to be thought in possession of a large income. + +I knew a Clergyman once--at least I had every reason to believe him +to be a lawfully ordained Minister of the Church of England. He was +taken on as temporary Curate in a remote district. His life, while he +remained there, was exemplary. He was untiring in good works; the poor +adored him, the well-to-do honoured him. We all thought him a pattern +of unselfish and almost primitive saintliness, and when he departed +from us he went with a silver inkstand, a dining-room clock and a +purse of sovereigns, subscribed for by the parish. The odour of his +sanctity had scarcely evaporated before we discovered, with horror, +that the man had never been ordained at all! He was an impostor, +masquerading under an assumed name, but while he was with us he did +good and lived a flawless life. These matters puzzle me. Perhaps you, +my dear PLAU, can explain. + +Yours, DIOGENES ROBINSON. + + * * * * * + +A RATHER LARGE ORDER.--Amongst the many suggested plans for housing +the collection of pictures once offered by Mr. TATE to the Nation, is +a scheme for turning the Banqueting-hall at Whitehall to a useful and +good account. As a thoughtful Artist has observed in this connection, +"At this moment the spacious building is tied round the necks of the +Members of the United Service Institution like a white elephant." + + * * * * * + +A MONEY-LENDER said he had never been inside a Church since the day +he looked in at hymn-time, and heard them singing, "With one per cent. +let all the earth," and he didn't want to hear anymore. + + * * * * * + +TRYING TO THE TEMPER.--Mrs. R. says nothing can induce her to eat +cross buns, as they are sure to disagree with her. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TRIALS AT THE LAW COURTS. + +A TIMID BUT ERUDITE "LEADER" IS URGED TO TAKE A "BAD OBJECTION."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +All who are interested in the theatrical celebrities of past times +will do well to read a brief, indeed, a too brief paper, about DOROTHY +JORDAN, written by FITZGERALD MOLLOY, for _The English Illustrated +Magazine_ of this month. The Baron does not remember if THACKERAY +touched on the story of this talented Actress in his Lectures on "_The +Four Georges_;" but the sad finish to the brilliant career of Mrs. +JORDAN could hardly have escaped the great Satirist as being one +instance, among many, illustrating the wise King's advice as to "not +putting your trust in Princes;" "or," for the matter of that, and in +fairness, it must be added, "in any child of man." Poor DOROTHY, or +DOLLY JORDAN! but now a Queen of "Puppets," and now--thus, a mere +rag-dolly. Ah, CLARENCE!--"False, fleeting, perjured CLARENCE!" as +SHAKSPEARE wrote of that other Duke in Crookback'd RICHARD's time, for +whom the "ifs" and "ands" of life were resolved for ever in a final +"butt." + +In the issue for 1891 of that most interesting yearly Annual, _The +Book-Worm_, for which the Baron, taking it up now and again, blesses +ELLIOT STOCK, of Paternoster Row, there is a brief but interesting +account of _The Annexed Prayer-Book_, which, after some curious +chances and changes, was at last ordered to be photographed page by +page, without being removed from the custody of Black Rod. "By means +of an elaborate system of reflecting," the process of photographing +was carried on in the House of Lords. It is satisfactory to all +Book-worms to know that so important a work was not undertaken without +even more than the usual amount of reflection. + +THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +THE HAMLET IN THE HAYMARKET. + +With Mr. TREE's impersonation of _Hamlet_ most London playgoers +are by this time acquainted, though not yet familiar. It is a +most interesting performance, especially to those who remember +the inauguration of startling new departures by CHARLES FECHTER. +The question for every fresh _Hamlet_ must always be, "How can I +differentiate my _Hamlet_ from all previous _Hamlets_? What can I +do that nobody has as yet thought of doing?" "To be or not to be" +_Hamlet_, "that is the question"; whether 'tis better continuously to +suffer the tortures of uncertainty as to what you might have achieved +had you essayed the part, or to take up the study of it, and ceasing +to shiver on the bank, leave off your damnable faces, and plunge in? +Mr. TREE has plunged, and is going on swimmingly. + +Mrs. TREE's _Ophelia_ sane, is charming. Her distraught _Ophelia_ is +very mad indeed, and her method in her madness is excellent. + +[Illustration: "I am thy Father's Ghost!"] + +There is a curious monotony in some of the stage-business. Thus, +_Ophelia_ pauses in her exit and comes up quietly behind the +absent-minded Prince as if to play bo-peep with him: then, later on, +after his apparently brutal treatment of her, _Hamlet_ returns, and, +while he is stooping and in tears, he kisses her hair and runs away +noiselessly as if this also were another part of the same game. Then +again, in the Churchyard, after the scandalous brawling (brought +about by the stupid ignorance of a dunderheaded ecclesiastic, to whose +Bishop _Laertes_ ought to have immediately reported him), _Hamlet_ +returns to weep and throw flowers into the grave. Now excellent +"returns" are dear to the managerial heart, and consoling to his +pocket, when they attest the overflowing attendance of "friends in +front;" but when "returns" are on the stage, their excellence may be +questioned on the score of monotony. Now, as to the Churchyard Scene, +permit me to make a suggestion:--the Second Gravedigger has been +commissioned by the First Gravedigger, with money down, to go to a +neighbouring publican of the name of YAUGHAN, pronounced Yogan or +Yawn,--probably the latter, on account either of his opening his mouth +wide, or of his being a sleepy-headed fellow,--and fetch a stoop of +liquor. Now, when all the turmoil is over, the remaining gravedigger +would at once set to work, as in fact he does in this scene at the +Haymarket; but here he just shovels a handful of mould into the grave, +and then, without rhyme or reason (with both of which he has been +plentifully supplied by SHAKSPEARE), suddenly away he goes, merely to +allow for the "business" of _Hamlet's_ re-entrance. But why shouldn't +there be here, prior to the return of _Hamlet_, a re-entrance of the +Second Gravedigger, as if coming back from friend YAUGHAN's with +the pot of ale? The sight of this would attract First Gravedigger, +and take the thirsty soul most readily from his work to discuss +the refreshment in some shady nook. Then by all means let _Hamlet_ +return to pour out his grief; and on this picture ought the Curtain +effectively descend. + +A novel point introduced by Mr. TREE is that his _Hamlet_, +entertaining an affectionate remembrance of the late YORICK, assumes a +friendly and patronising air towards YORICK's successor, a Court Fool, +apparently so youthful that he may still be supposed to be learning +his business. So when His Royal Highness _Hamlet_ has what he +considers "a good thing" to say, Mr. TREE places the novice in jesting +near himself, and pointedly speaks at him; as e.g., when, in reply to +the King's inquiry after his health, he tells him that he "eats air +promise-crammed," adding, with a sly look at the Court Fool, "you +cannot feed capons so." Whereat the Fool, put into a difficult +position, through his fear of offending the Prince by _not_ laughing, +or angering the King (his employer) by laughing, has to acknowledge +the Prince's witticism with a deferential, but somewhat deprecatory, +snigger. + +Again, when _Hamlet_ is "going to have a lark" with old _Polonius_--a +proceeding in exquisitely bad taste by the way--Mr. TREE's _Hamlet_ +attracts the young Court Jester's attention to his forthcoming +novelty. Now this time, as the repartee is about as rude a thing +as any vulgar cad of an 'ARRY might have uttered, the professional +Jester, who evidently does not owe his appointment to the Lord +Chamberlain's favour, and is exempt from his jurisdiction, grins +all over his countenance, and hops away to explain the jest to some +of the courtiers, while _Hamlet_ himself, to judge by his smiling +countenance, is clearly very much pleased with his own performance +in showing a Jester how the fool should be played. And this notion +is consistent with the character of a Prince who takes upon himself +to lecture the Actors on their own art. There is no subtler touch in +SHAKSPEARE's irony than his putting these instructions to players +in the mouth of a noble amateur. Of the revival, as a whole, one +may truthfully say, _Ca donne a penser_, and, indeed, the study of +_Hamlet_ is inexhaustible. + + * * * * * + +WITH THEIR EASTER EGGS. + +_The Emp-r-r of G-rm-ny._--Presentation copy of the light and leading +satirical English Paper. + +_The Cz-r of R-ss-a._--Letter of regret from President C-RN-T. + +_The Pr-s-d-nt of the Fr-nch R-p-bl-c._--Secretly-obtained copy of +proposed treaty for a Quadruple Alliance. + +_The K-ng of It-ly._--Scheme for a _modus vivendi_. + +_The P-pe._--Duplicate copy of ditto. + +_Ch-nc-ll-r C-pr-vi._--Permit for leave of absence. + +_Pr-nce V-n B-sm-rck._--A song, "_The Return of the Pilot_." + +_The M-rq-s of S-l-sb-ry._--Date of the General Election. + +_The Ch-nc-ll-r of the Exch-q-r._--Comments on the Budget. + +_F-rst L-rd of the Tr-s-ry._--New rules for the game of Golf. + +_Rt. Hon. W.E. Gl-dst-ne._--Set of Diaries for the next twenty years. + +_The P-t L-r-te._--The Order of "The Foresters." + +_The Oxf-rd E-ght._--The Blue Riband of the Thames. + +_S-r A-g-st-s Dr-r-l-n-s._--A month's well-deserved rest. + +_N-b-dy in P-rt-c-l-r._--A legacy of L100,000. + +_Ev-ryb-dy in G-n-r-l._--Rates and taxes. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SO FRIVOLOUS! + +_Wife_. "SOLOMON, I HAVE A BONE TO PICK WITH YOU." + +_Solomon_ (_flippantly_). "WITH PLEASURE, MY DEAR, SO LONG AS IT'S A +FUNNY BONE!"] + + * * * * * + +THE DYNAMITE DRAGON. + + A dragon! Faugh! that foul and writhing Worm + Seems scarcely worthy of the ancient term + That fills old myth, and typifies the fight + 'Twixt wrathful evil and the force of right. + The dragons of the prime, fierce saurian things + With ogre gorges and with harpy wings, + Fitted their hour; the haunts that gave them birth, + The semi-chaos of the early earth, + The slime, the earthquake shock, the whelming flood, + Made battle ground for the colossal brood. + But now, when centuries of love and light + Have warmed and brightened man's old home; when might + Is not all sinister, nor all desire + Fierce appetite, that all-devouring fire,-- + When life is not alone a wasting scourge, + But from the swamps of soulless strife emerge + Some Pisgah peaks of promise where the dove + Finds footing, high the whirling gulfs above,-- + Now the intrusion of this loathly shape, + With pestilence-breathing jaws that blackly gape + For indiscriminate prey, is sure a thing + To set celestial guards once more a-wing; + To fire a new St. Michael or St. George + With the bright death to cleave the monster's gorge, + And trample out the Laidly Worm's last breath + In the convulsions of reluctant death. + A crawling, craven, sneaking, snaking brute; + Purposeless spite, and hatred absolute, + In hideous shape incarnate! Venomed Gad + In Civilisation's path; malignant-mad, + And blindly biting; raising an asp-neck + In Beauty's foot-tracks, and prepared to wreck + The ordered work of ages in a day, + To raze and shatter, to abase and slay. + Blind as the earthquake, headlong as the storm, + Yet in such hideous subter-human form, + Vulgar as venomous! Dragon indeed, + And dangerous, but with no soul save greed, + No aim save chaos. Bloody, yet so blind, + The common enemy of humankind; + Whose age-stored works and ways it yearns to blast, + To smite to ruined fragments, and to cast + Prone--as itself is prone--in common dust. + The Beautiful, the Wise, the Strong, the Just, + All fruit of labour, and all spoil of thought, + All that co-operant Man hath won or wrought, + All that the heart has loved, the mind has taught + Through the long generations, hoarded gains + Of plastic fancies, and of potent brains; + Thrones, Temples, Marts, Art's alcoves, Learning's domes, + Patrician palaces, and _bourgeois_ homes. + Down, down!--to glut _its_ spleen, the paltry thing, + Impotent, save to lurk, and coil, and spring, + But powerful as the poison-drop, once sped, + That creeps, corrupts, and leaves its victim--dead! + As the asp's fang could turn to pulseless clay + The Pride of Egypt, so this Worm can slay + If left long covert for its crawling course. + Up, up against it every virile force, + And every valorous virtue! By its hiss + 'Tis known _hostis humani generis_, + Let Civilisation snatch St. Michael's sword, + And slay this Dragon, of a tribe abhorred + The meanest and the most malignant Worm + Which can spill venom, but, attacked, will squirm, + Shrink, splutter, vanish. With no noble end, + All men must be its foes, blind hatred its sole friend! + + * * * * * + +BREAKING. + + [In his spot-barred Billiard-Match with H. COLES, PEALL made + breaks of 108, 133, 64, 52, 78, 77, and 80.] + + Break, break, break + On thy Billiard-board, oh P.! + As easy as cutting butter + The business seems to thee. + + "Oh, well that the spot is barred," + The knowing ones glibly say, + "Or we might get no chance + Of a COLES' strike here to-day." + + And the marvellous game goes on. + Till the watchers have their fill; + And one drops off, and dreams + He's taken the "Red" for a pill. + + Break, break, break! + And there's one that will broken be; + For the Pony I put on the other man + Will never come back to me. + + * * * * * + +SUGGESTION FROM "CHILDE HAROLD" AT OLYMPIA.--"I stood in Venice on the +Bridge of Size And paint," &c., &c. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE DYNAMITE DRAGON.] + + * * * * * + +ON THE FIRST GREEN CHAIR. + +[Illustration: Thursday, April 7. Hyde Park. Mid-day.] + + Reach it, attendant; wicked winter flies off: + Place it with pomp for me to sit and stare + Up at the sun who banquets us with cries of + "Chair!" + + Long have we pined in darkness most uncanny: + Now to Hyde Park return its gauze of gold, + Jewels of crocus and enhancements mani- + -fold. + + Welcome, delicious zephyr, blithe new-comer, + Urging to purchase patent-leather boots, + Hats of a virgin glossiness, and summer + suits. + + Welcome, attire of carnival-carousers, + Suddenly bursting on the 'wildered view. + Mine--I don't mind confessing it--are trousers + new, + + These that, serene in atmosphere serenest, + Droop o'er a Chair, whose emerald taunts the trees-- + Green are the leaves, and greener than the greenest + Peas! + + All things must end: to-morrow may be icy: + Wither too soon the joys that freshest are; + End will sweet summer reveries, and my ci- + gar. + + Ends too that master-piece of Messrs. HYAM + Bashfully hinted at in line sixteen; + Green was the Chair I sat on--and now _I_ am + green! + + * * * * * + +"ALL'S (FAIRLY) WELL." + + SCENE--_The War Office. Sanctum of the COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF. + H.R.H. is seated on a chair. To him enter (after being + properly complimented by a couple of Grenadiers on guard + over an area) INSPECTOR-GENERAL OF EVERYTHING, Field-Marshal + PUNCH._ + +_Inspector-General_ (_sharply_). Well, Sir! (_COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF comes +briskly to attention_.) No, your Royal Highness, you can be seated. +I don't want to disturb you--much! And now, how is the Easter Review +getting on? + +_Com.-in-Chief_. First-rate, Sir. Excellent, Sir! Couldn't be better, +Sir! + +_Insp.-Gen._ (_dryly_). I have heard those phrases before, your Royal +Highness--especially "couldn't be better"--and found subsequently that +things ought to have been better, very much better, Sir. + +_Com.-in-Chief_ (_anxiously_). But I assure you, Sir, that this time +we are doing our level best. Why, Sir, fancy, we are going to have +thirty thousand men under arms! Think of that, Sir--thirty thousand +men! + +_Insp.-Gen._ About the numbers of a German Brigade, or is it a +Regiment? + +_Com.-in-Chief_ (_with a forced laugh_). Come, Sir, I see you are +joking! Yes, thirty thousand men, and some of them are going down +fully equipped. Why, for instance, the Artists will march the +whole way to the scene of the operations with their own regimental +transport! And so will the 1st London Engineers. Think of that, Sir! + +_Insp.-Gen._ And how much have you gentlemen here had to do with that, +Sir? Why, the Volunteers would have been left in a state of utter +unpreparedness had not the public taken the initiative. What did the +War Office and the Horse Guards do towards giving them their kit? + +_Com.-in-Chief_. Well, it is all right now, Sir. And we are going +to have a splendid time of it. The idea is that a hostile force has +landed at Deal during the early hours of Monday morning, and-- + +_Insp.-Gen._ (_interrupting_). Yes, I have read all that in the +papers. But come, tell me who is to command? + +_Com.-in.-Chief_ (_rather taken aback_). Well, Sir, the customary +crew. I suppose BILLY SEYMOUR. + +_Insp. Gen._ (_severely_). I presume, your Royal Highness, that you +refer to General Lord WILLIAM SEYMOUR, who will be in command at +Dover. + +_Com.-in-Chief_ (_abashed_). Certainly, Sir. You are a little +particular to-day, Sir. + +_Insp. Gen._ (_gravely_). I am always particular--very +particular--when I have to deal with the Volunteers. Well, Sir, +General Lord WILLIAM SEYMOUR, commands at Dover--proceed, Sir; pray +proceed. + +_Com.-in-Chief_. Then, Sir, there's General GOODENOUGH at Maidstone, +and General DAWSON-SCOTT at Chatham. + +_Insp.-Gen._ Is he a Volunteer? + +_Com.-in-Chief_ (_laughing_). Why no, Sir; of course not, Sir. Why +he's in the Royal Engineers. Although in my Crimean days we never +considered Sappers soldiers. We used to say that-- + +_Insp.-Gen._ (_severely_). No levity, Sir. And pray who else is to be +in command? + +_Com.-in-Chief_. Well, Sir, I shall be present myself on Saturday, and +then take the March-past on Monday. + +_Insp.-Gen._ Yes; but how about the Volunteers? What about them? Why +don't you let the officers command their own men? + +_Com.-in-Chief_. Why, Sir, you see in time of war-- + +_Insp.-Gen._ (_interrupting_). You would find Volunteer officers as +capable as any others. Your Royal Highness has no doubt studied the +lessons taught by the war between the Northerners and the Southerners +in America? + +_Com.-in-Chief_. I have glanced at the subject, Sir, at the Royal +United Service Institute. And may I venture to hope that you are +satisfied, Sir? + +_Insp.-Gen._ (_after a pause_). Well, yes, I think you are doing +better. But, in future, give a share of the command to Volunteers _pur +et simple_. And now just jot down what I have further to say to you. + + [_Scene closes in upon the COM.-IN-CHIEF taking notes._ + + * * * * * + +CONNECTED WITH THE PRESS. + +At a recent meeting of the Institute of Journalists, it was proposed +that future candidates for membership should undergo an examination +to test their qualifications before election. Should the proposal +be adopted, no doubt some such paper as the following will be set +to those desirous of obtaining the right of adding "M.I.J." to their +names. + +1. Would you as a Reporter venture to use such expressions as +"devouring element" or "destructive fluid" in sending in "flimsy" to a +London Daily Paper? State when you would consider yourself entitled to +describe yourself "a Special." + +2. What are the rights of a Journalist at a free luncheon? If an +Editor finds himself present, should he return thanks for the Press +himself, or leave that duty in the hands of a bumptious Reporter. + +3. Write an essay upon the Law of Libel, and say when a paper, (1) +should apologise, (2) fight it out, and, (3) settle it out of Court. + +4. Define the difference between a "comment of public importance" and +a "puffing advertisement." + +5. What is "log-rolling?" Give examples to illustrate the meaning of +the word. + +6. Show, concisely, why the World could not revolve without the +Press, and why the Press would cease to be without your own personal +assistance. + + * * * * * + +UPON JULIA'S COAT. + +(AFTER HERRICK.) + +[Illustration: LENTEN FASHION. + +Sack-Coat, nearest approach to Sackcloth, for Lent.] + + Whenas my JULIA wears a sack, + That hides the outline of her back, + I cry, in sore distress, "Alack!" + She showed a dainty waist when dressed + In jacket; true, the size confessed + That whalebone had its shape compressed. + Still was her form sweet as her face, + But now what change has taken place! + This "sack coat" hides all maiden grace. + Although men's clothes are always vile, + The coat, the trousers and the "tile"! + Some sense still lingers in each style. + But women's garments should be fair, + All graceful, gay and debonair. + And if they lack good sense, why care? + O JULIA, cease to wear a sack, + A garb all artists should attack, + In which both sense and beauty lack! + + * * * * * + +DRINKS AND DRAMAS. + + ("HENRY THE EIGHTH is a Soda-water Play."--Mr. Irving's + Evidence before the Committee.) + +Mr. Irving has now completed his list of refreshments suited to +performances. They can be obtained, like Mr. GOSCHEN's reserve of +shillings, "on application," which does not mean gratis. + +_Macbeth_.--Very fine old Scotch. + +_Hamlet_.--Bitters. + +_Romeo and Juliet_.--Rum and Milk. + +_Othello_.--Dublin Stout. + +_Merchant of Venice_.--Port(1 A.). + +_Charles the First_.--Bottled Ale (with a fine head). + +_The Cup_.--Tea. + +_Faust_.--Ginger Brandy. + +_Much Ado About Nothing_.--Benedictine. + +_Corsican Brothers_.--Half-and-half. + + * * * * * + +A BERLIN CITIZEN'S DIARY. + +(TRANSLATED BY OUR FIRST STANDARD BOARD SCHOLAR.) + + ["It is stated that the soldier who, on Friday last, fired + at and killed a man who threatened him while on sentry duty + before the barracks in the Wrangel-strasse, Berlin, has been + promoted to the rank of corporal, for what is described as his + correct conduct on the occasion. The passerby, who was wounded + at the same time, still lies in a precarious condition."--_St. + James's Gazette_, April 6.] + +_April 1._--I go walking near barracks; see man looking quietly at +building. Suddenly fires the sentry with his long distance rifle, so +that the straight onward through the harmless onlooker's heart and +through my never sufficiently to be regretted right arm passing bullet +in the remote distance a child kills. Long live our good Emperor and +his glorious army! Carried home insensible. + +_June 1._--At last am I from arm-amputation recovered and walk again +out. The sentry was for his on the first April quite courageous act to +be Sergeant promoted. Here comes a Sergeant! He is it! Look curiously +at him whereupon he me in the leg shoots. Long live our Emperor! Again +carried home. + +_Sept. 1._--Again out, in invalid chair, meet same man, now +Lieutenant. I murmur sadly, "Ah, my friend, I gave you a leg-up +indeed!" Then he, saying that I him insulted have, my remaining arm +with his sword off cuts. I respect our Emperor, but I love not his +soldiers now. Must hire an amanuensis. + +_January 1._--After my long illness go I once again, Unter den Linden, +in my invalid chair--that is to say, what is left of me. My enemy is +now a Colonel. Shall I him again see? Heaven forbid! Alas, he comes +even now, with those weapons which so rapidly him increase, and me +diminish! I say nothing, but he, seeing me, with his sword my last +limb off cuts. I love not even our Emperor now. + +_May 1._--To-day is the Socialists' Day, and I can once more +out-dragged be. I am now a without legs or arms Socialist. My enemy +can be promoted now only by my body. He has become a General and +Count--(_Here the Diary ends abruptly._) + +"_Berlin, May 2._--Yesterday an unfortunate Gentleman, without arms or +legs, when passing the Royal Palace in his invalid chair, was attacked +by a distinguished officer, who ran his sword through the heart of +the unoffending civilian. The assassin was immediately promoted, as is +usual in such cases, and is now Field Marshal Prince BLUTUNDRUHM VON +SCHLACHTHAUSEN."--_London Daily Papers._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CULTURE. + +SCENE--A Private Picture Gallery. + +Noble Sportsman (opposite choice example of Canaletto). "I SAY, BY +JOVE, I SEE YOU'VE GOT A PICTURE OF OLYMPIA HERE!"] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +[Illustration: Alpheus Cleophas.] + +House of Commons, Monday, April 4.--ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS has adde +a new terror to Parliamentary life. It is bad enough to have him +unexpectedly rising from a customary seat; usually finds a place on +top Bench below Gangway, whence, in days that are no more, NEWDEGATE +used to lament fresh evidences of Papal ascendancy. House grown +accustomed to hearing the familiar voice from this accustomed spot. +To-night, conversation on question of Privilege been going forward for +some time. Seemed about to reach conclusion, when suddenly, far below +the Gangway in Irish quarter, ominous sound broke on startled ear. + +[Illustration: Personal Conductor.] + +At first all eyes turned to NEWDEGATE's old quarters; but the voice +evidently did not proceed thence. Following the sound, Members came +upon ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS breaking out in a fresh place. Otherwise, +all the same; the flat-toned voice, the imperturbable manner that +awaits cessation of storm of obloquy, and then completes interrupted +sentence; the conviction that somebody (generally the Government) +is acting dishonestly, and needs a watchful eye kept upon him; +the information conveyed that the Eye is now turned on--all were +there, each identified ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS. Up again and again during +preliminary discussion, always shouted at, and ever quietly waiting +till noise has subsided, when he finishes the interrupted sentence, +and begins another. + +_Business done._--In Committee on Small Holdings. + +_Tuesday._--Happy circumstance in the history of all Administrations +that there is never lacking a friend on their own side to keep them +on the right path. RADCLIFFE COOKE suddenly developed tendency towards +personally conducting the Government. Hitherto appeared as a docile +follower. New state of affairs arose in connection with Breach of +Privilege by Cambrian Railway Directors. HICKS-BEACH last night gave +notice to take into consideration Special Report of Select Committee +charging Directors with Breach of Privilege. BEACH proposed to wait +awhile till "the other side" had got up a case or two, to show that +if Masters were prone to punish their Servants for giving inconvenient +evidence on question of Hours of Labour, the Servants were no better +when they had power to inflict + +[Illustration: WANTED, A FIGURE REPRESENTATIVE OF THE LONDON COUNTY +COUNCIL. + +SOME OF THE SUGGESTIONS SENT IN TO MR. PUNCH.] + +on each other similar punishment. BEACH made his proposal in +matter-of-fact way, anticipating general concurrence. But CHANNING +objected; GEORGE TREVELYAN did not approve the suggestion; while the +SQUIRE OF MALWOOD eagerly seized BEACH's maladroit phrase about "the +other side," and made great play with it. Probably BEACH might have +disregarded this action from Opposition Benches; but different when +RADCLIFFE COOKE rose from Bench immediately behind Ministers, and in +severely judicial manner criticised proposed action of President +of Board of Trade. BEACH said nothing at moment; after some hours' +reflection, announced withdrawal of original proposition and intention +of proceeding with indictment of Cambrian Directors without waiting +for case of "the other side." + +To-day he moved that on Thursday the accused should appear at Bar of +House. This on point of being agreed to when COOKE again appeared on +scene; with increased impressiveness of manner argued against BEACH's +proposal. Prince ARTHUR began to look uneasy; no knowing where this +sort of thing would end if it spread. What with SEXTON on one side +correcting grammar of Ministerial Resolutions, and RADCLIFFE COOKE on +the other amending their procedure, it really seemed time to go to the +country. Something like condition of paralysis stealing over Treasury +Bench when SPEAKER came to assistance of Ministers, and benignly but +effectively pointed out to COOKE that he was one too many, was in fact +spoiling the broth. COOKE tried to argue the matter out, but SPEAKER +peremptory and Ministers saved from fresh rebuff. + +"It's all very well for them arguing round the subject like that," +said MACLURE, nervously mopping his forehead. "But it's a very +different thing with me, at my age and fighting weight. An Insurance +Broker, Director of various Railway and other Companies, formerly +Major of the 40th Lancashire Volunteers, a Trustee for three Church +livings, and father of a large family, to be brought up on a Breach +of Privilege is no slight matter. Indignity is aggravated by the +locality. 'The Bar' is the last place in the world where the friends +of JOHN WILLIAM MACLURE would think it likely to find him." + +_Business done._--In Committee on Small Holdings. + +_Thursday Night._--After all, MACLURE didn't have to stand at the Bar +to-night, so his feelings were saved a peculiarly painful wrench. But +the Chairman of Cambrian Railway held a special meeting at Bar. It was +attended by Mr. BAILEY HAWKINS, and Mr. JOHN CONACHER, Manager of the +Company. The SERGEANT-AT-ARMS also looked in, bringing the Mace with +him. + +[Illustration: Turning his Back on his own Resolution.] + +"Now if they were _really_ going to have anything at the Bar," said +MACLURE, looking wistfully on, "a drop of mulled port or anything like +that, Mace would come in handy. Suppose ERSKINE would dip it in the +jorum and stir the liquor round." + +So MACLURE joked, and so, as JULIUS 'ANNIBAL, naturally well-posted up +in this epoch of history, reminds me, NERO fiddled whilst Rome burned. +Fact is, MACLURE in terrible funk; mental condition shared by his +Chairman, Co-director, and the Manager. The latter, resolved to sell +his life dearly, brought in his umbrella, which gave him a quite +casual hope-I-don't-intrude appearance as he stood at the Bar. + +Members at first disposed to regard whole matter as a joke. Cheered +MACLURE when he came in at a half trot; laughed when, the Bar pulled +out, difficulty arose about making both ends meet. + +"That's the Chancellor of the Exchequer's duty," said WILFRID LAWSON; +"GOSCHEN ought to go and lend a hand." + +Bursts of laughter and buzz of conversation in all parts of the House; +general aspect more like appearance at theatre on Boxing Night when +audience waits for curtain to rise on new pantomime. Only the SPEAKER +grave, even solemn; his voice occasionally rising above merry din with +stern cry of "Order! order!" + +"Of course, now they're at the Bar they can order what they please," +said TANNER. Well the SPEAKER didn't hear him. Later, on eve of final +division, he offered another remark in louder tone. SPEAKER thundered +down upon him like a tornado, and TANNER quiet for rest of sitting. + +[Illustration: The Woolwich Infant "goes off."] + +HICKS-BEACH's speech gave new and more serious turn to affairs. +Concluded with Motion declaring Directors guilty of Breach of +Privilege and sentencing them to admonition. But speech itself clearly +made out that Directors were blameless; all the bother lying at door +of Railway Servant who had been dismissed. Speech, in short, turned +its back on Resolution. This riled the Radicals; not to be soothed +even by Mr. G. interposing in favourite character as GRAND OLD +PACIFICATOR. Storm raged all night; division after division taken; +finally, long past midnight, Directors again brought up to the +Bar, the worn, almost shrivelled, appearance of CONACHER's umbrella +testifying to the mental suffering undergone during the seven hours +that had passed since last they stood there. + +SPEAKER, with awful mien and in terrible tones, "admonished" them; and +so to bed. + +_Business done._--Cambrian Directors admonished for Breach of +Privilege. + +_Tuesday, April 12._--House adjourns to-day for Easter Holidays; +good many adjourned after Friday's Sitting; some waited to hear JOKIM +bringing in his Budget last night. Few left to-day to wind up the +business. HUGHES, gallant Colonel who represents Woolwich, here a few +minutes ago. But he's gone too. "Sometimes," he said, with a far-away +smile, "they call me 'the Woolwich Infant.' If I am such a very big +gun, perhaps the best thing I can do is to go off." + +I follow his example. + +_Business done._--Adjourned for Easter Holidays. + + * * * * * + +THE LEGEND OF THE MUTTON BONE. + +(BY OUR NEWLY-MARRIED POETESS.) + +[Illustration] + + When the world is full of flowers and of butterflies at play, + I could sit beneath the roses eating chocolates all day; + But my heart is very heavy as I ponder with dismay + On the Mutton Bone a-lying in the Larder! + + For GEORGE has squandered sixpence on a telegram from town, + To say that he has come across "that dear old chappie--BROWNE," + And to dine with us this evening he means to bring him down-- + And the Mutton Bone is lying in the Larder! + + I have just been down to see it, and my courage sinks a-new, + Though Cook has kindly promised me her very best to do-- + Which means that she'll convert into an appetising stew + The Mutton Bone a-lying in the Larder. + + But I suddenly remember, with a blush of rosy pink, + That Cook--alas! is given to the frequent use of drink, + And if she once gets muddled up--perhaps she'll never think + Of the Mutton Bone a-lying in the Larder! + + * * * * * + + As the western sun is gilding all the heather of the moor, + Down the basement stairs I'm creeping--till a widely open door + Shows me Cook in heavy slumber on her cherished kitchen floor-- + And the Mutton Bone is lying in the Larder! + + O GEORGE, there'll be no dinner, dear, for you and BROWNE to-day! + I picture to myself the pretty words that you will say-- + And I seize my guinea bonnet--and I wander far away + From the Mutton Bone a-lying in the Larder! + + * * * * * + +MOTTO FOR A SOAP CO.--"Nothing like Lather." + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. +102, APRIL 16, 1892*** + + +******* This file should be named 14452.txt or 14452.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/4/4/5/14452 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. 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