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diff --git a/old/14452.txt b/old/14452.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..7adcc17 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14452.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1732 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 102, +April 16, 1892, by Various, Edited by F. C. Burnand + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 102, April 16, 1892 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: December 24, 2004 [eBook #14452] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 102, APRIL 16, 1892*** + + +E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Project Gutenberg +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 14452-h.htm or 14452-h.zip: + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/4/4/5/14452/14452-h/14452-h.htm) + or + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/4/4/5/14452/14452-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 102 + +APRIL 16, 1892 + + + + + + + +WRESTLING WITH WHISTLERS. + +(A REMINISCENCE OF A RECENT EXHIBITION.) + + SCENE--_The Goupil Gallery. Groups of more or less puzzled + Britons discovered, conscientiously endeavouring to do justice + to the Collection, having realised that Mr. WHISTLER's work + is now considered entitled to serious consideration, but + feeling themselves unable to get beyond a timid tolerance. + In addition to these, there are Frank Philistines who are + here with a fixed intention of being funny, Matrons with a + strongly domesticated taste in Art, Serious Elderly Ladies, + Literal Persons, &c., &c._ + +_A Lady_ (_after looking at a representation of Old Battersea +Bridge--in the tone of a person who feels she is making a liberal +concession_). Well, do you know, I must say that _isn't_ so bad. I +shouldn't so much mind having _that_ in the room, should you? + +[Illustration: A Brother Brush.] + +_Her Companion_ (_dubiously_). Well, I don't know. He's put a steamer +in. Should you think there _were_ steamers in--a--(_vaguely_)--those +days? + +_First Lady_ (_evidently considering Mr. WHISTLER capable of any +eccentricity_). Oh, I don't suppose he would mind _that_ much. + +_First Literal Person_ (_coming to the portrait of Miss ALEXANDER_). +Well--(_plaintively_)--he _might_ have put a nicer expression on the +child! + +_Second Do. Do._ Yes--very unpleasing. (_Refers to Catalogue._) Oh, +I see it says--"It is simply a disagreeable presentment of a +disagreeable young lady." + +_First Do. Do._ (_rejoicing that the painter has vindicated himself +this time_). Ah--that _explains_ it, then. Of course if he _meant_ +it--! + +_A Serious Elderly Lady._ There's one thing I must say I _do_ like, my +dear, and that's the way he puts down all the unfavourable criticisms +on his pictures. So straightforward and honest of him, _I_ call it. + +_Her Companion._ Yes, but I expect he can't help seeing how right and +sensible the critics are, you know. Still--(_charitably_)--it shows he +would do better if he _could_! + +_An Advanced Nephew_ (_who is endeavouring to convert a Philistine +Uncle to the superiority of the Modern School_). Now here, Uncle, +look at this. Look at the way the figure looms out of the canvas, look +at the learning in the simple sweep of the drapery, the _drawing_ of +it, and the masterly grace of the pose--you don't mean to tell me you +don't call _that_ a magnificent portrait? + +_His Uncle._ Who's it of? That's what _I_ want to know first. + +_Nephew_ (_coldly_). You will find it in the Catalogue, no doubt--No. +41. + +_Uncle_ (_looking it up_). "_Arrangement in Black. La Dame au +Brodequin Jaune._"--the lady in a yellow something or other. Tchah! +And not a word to tell you who she's supposed to _be_? If I pay a +shilling for a Catalogue, I expect to find information in it. And let +me ask you--where's the interest in looking at a portrait when you're +not told who it's intended for? + + [_The Nephew, not being prepared to answer this difficult + query, leads his relative gently up to a "Nocturne in Opal and + Silver." The Uncle conveys his opinion of it by a loud and + expressive snort._ + +_First Prosaic Person_ (_before No. 28_). Valparaiso, is it? +(_Hopefully._) Well, come, I _ought_ to recognise this--I've _been_ +there often enough. (_Inspecting it closely._) Ha--um! + +_Second P.P._ (_with languid interest_). Is it _like_? + +_First P.P._ I could tell you better if he'd done it by daylight. +I can't make out this in the front--looks to me like the top of a +_house_, or something. Don't remember _that_. + +_Second P.P._ I think it's meant for a jetty, landing-stage, or that +sort of thing, and, when you look _into_ it, there's something that +seems intended for people--_most_ extraordinary, isn't it? + +_The Domesticated Matron_ (_who is searching for a picture with a +subject to it_). There, CAROLINE, it's evidently a _harbour_, you see, +and ships, and they're letting off fireworks--probably for a regatta, +Does it tell you what it is in the Catalogue? + +_Caroline_ (_after consulting it_). It only says, "_A Nocturne in Blue +and Gold_"--oh yes--(_reading_)--"a splash and splutter of brightness, +on a black ground, to depict a display of fireworks." + +_Her Mother_ (_gratified at her own intelligence_). I thought it +_must_ be fireworks. He seems quite _fond_ of fireworks, doesn't he? + +_First Facetious Philistine._ Hullo, what have we got here? +"_Crepuscule, in Flesh-colour and Green._" Very _like_ one, too, +daresay--when you know what it is. + +_Second F.P._ As far as I can make it out, a Crepuscule's either a +Harmony inside out, or a Symphony upside down--it don't much matter. + +_A Lady_ (_who is laboriously trying to catch the right spirit_). +"_The Blue Wave at Biarritz_." Now I _do_ admire that. And what I like +even better than the Blue wave is this great Brown one breaking in the +foreground--so exactly _like_ water, isn't it, DICK? + +_Dick_ (_not a Whistlerite_). Y--yes--just. Only it's a rock, you +know. + +_The Lady._ But if that's the way he _saw_ it, DICK! + +_Dick._ Here's a thing! "_St. Mark's, Venice_." I'll _trouble_ you! +What's he done with the flagstaffs and the bronze horses and the +pigeons? _I_ never saw the place look like that. + +_The Lady._ Because it didn't happen to be _foggy_ while we were +there, that's all. + +_First Pros. Person._ Ah, there's old CARLYLE, you see! Dear me, what +a very badly fitting coat--see how it bulges over his chest! + +_Second P.P._ Yes. I daresay he buttoned the wrong button--philosopher +and all that sort o' thing, y'know. + +_First P.P._ (_sympathetically_). Well, I _do_ think WHISTLER might +have _told_ him of it! + +IN THE SECOND ROOM. + +_The Matron in Search of a Subject._ Ah, now, this really is more +_my_ idea of a picture. Quite a pretty _cretonne_ those curtains, +and there's a little girl reading a book, and a looking-glass with +reflections and all, and a young lady in a riding-habit--just going +out for a ride. + +_Caroline._ Yes. Mother. Or just come in from one. + +_Her Mother._ Do see what it's called. "_The Morning Canter_" or +"_Back from the Row_"--something of that kind, I _expect_ it would be. + +_Caroline._ All it says is, "_A Harmony in Green and Rose_." + +_The Mother_ (_disappointed_). Now, why can't he give it some +_sensible_ name, instead of taking away all one's interest! + +_The Phil. Uncle_ (_whom a succession of Symphonies and Harmonies has +irritated to the verge of fury_). Don't talk to me, Sir! Don't tell me +any of these things are pictures. Look at _this_--a young woman in an +outlandish dress sitting on the floor--on the bare floor!--in a litter +of Japanese sketches! And he has the confounded impertinence to call +it a "_Caprice_"--a "_Caprice in Purple and Gold_." _I_'d purple and +gold him, Sir, if I had _my_ way! Where's the _sense_ in such things? +What do they _teach_ you? What _story_ do they tell? Where's the +_human interest_ in them? Depend upon it, Sir, these things are +rubbish--sheer rubbish, according to all _my_ notions of Art, and I +think you'll allow I _ought_ to know something about it? + +_His Nephew_ (_provoked beyond prudence_). You certainly ought to know +more than _that_, my dear Unc--Are you going? + +_The Uncle_ (_grimly_). Yes--to see my Solicitor, Sir. (_To himself, +savagely._) That confounded young prig will find he's paid dear enough +for his precious Whistlers--if I don't have a fit in the cab! + + [_He goes; the Nephew wonders whether his attempt at + proselytising was quite worth while._ + +_A Seriously Elderly Lady._ I've no _patience_ with the man. Look +at GUTSTAVE DORE, now. I'm sure _he_ was a beautiful artist, if +you _like_. Did _he_ go and call his "_Leaving the Praetorium_" a +"Symphony" or a "Harmony," or any nonsense of that kind? Of course +not--and yet look at the _difference_! + +_An Impressionable Person_ (_carried away by the local influence--to +the Man at the wicket, blandly_). Could you kindly oblige me by +exchanging this "Note in Black and White" for an "Arrangement in +Silver and Gold"? + + [_Finds himself cruelly misunderstood, and suspected of + frivolity._ + + * * * * * + +PERSONAL PARAGRAPHS. + +The Rev. No. 354, writing from Dartmoor, requests us to inform +his numerous friends in Bath and elsewhere that his health is much +improved by the bracing air, and that he is occupied in revising for +the press his course of Sermons to the Young on the Moral Virtues. +He is also anxious to inform his creditors that his accounts are now +completely in order. It is a source of great comfort to him to reflect +that he was able to obtain considerable sums of money from his friends +in Bath, before he was obliged to leave that city, and that, with the +residue of this money, obtained so to speak from PETER, he will now +have the satisfaction of paying a farthing in the pound to PAUL, in +other words, to his creditors. + +Mrs. BRINVILLIERS was yesterday visited by her friends. Our readers +will be glad to know that she is quite well and has escaped the +influenza epidemic. + +Mr. ST. LEONARDS, with the consent of the Governor, takes this +opportunity of thanking the friends who have so kindly condoled with +him on the unavoidable interruption to his long and arduous work in +the service of his country. He hopes that nothing will prevent him +from displaying equal zeal in the still more arduous labour, which, +also for the benefit of his country, he is now compelled to undertake +for a certain period. + +Miss DODGER is still unwell. The HOME SECRETARY has not yet sent +instructions for a special drawing-room to be fitted up in the prison, +nor has he, up till now, given any permission for Miss DODGER's +afternoon receptions, and five o'clock teas. It is generally +considered that the probability of his doing so, without a Special Act +of Parliament, is still very remote. + + * * * * * + +BROKEN BONDS. + + ["I learn from St. Petersburg, that, last Saturday, + conferences were begun between Russia and Germany on the + admission of the former to the new commercial treaties."--_The + Times Paris Correspondent on "Russia and the Central + Commercial League."_] + +_La Belle France, the Forsaken One, loquitur_:-- + + What do I hear? Oh, do I hear aright, + Over the garden wall? + My latest love, my gallant Muscovite, + Is this the end, this all? + My heartbeats fast, a mist obscures my sight. + Support me, or I fall! + + What can he mean? Whatever is she at?-- + Ah! well I know _her_ game! + GERMANIA is a vile coquette, a cat. + Seducing my new flame + With mercenary lures, and low at that! + It is a cruel shame! + + But six short months ago and I to him + Indeed seemed all in all. + A stalwart lover, though _tant soit peu_ grim, + I fancied him my thrall. + And was it after all pretence, or whim? + Oh, prospect, to appal! + + I know my envious rivals said as much,[1] + But that I deemed their spite, + Was't but my money he desired to clutch? + I lent it--with delight! + Were his mere venal vows? His bonds but such + As SAMSON snapped at sight? + + See how she purrs, false puss! She deems her _dot_ + May well out-glitter mine. + And he! That slow seductive smile I know. + At Cronstadt by the brine, + To that dear dulcet voice, not long ago, + My ears did I incline. + + Ah! and those fine moustachios' conquering curl + Subdued my maiden heart. + For me those tendril-tips he'd twist and twirl, + Looking so gay, so smart; + And now he does it for another girl, + And I--I stand apart. + + Did I not give my heart to him--false one!-- + And also--well, my "stocking"? + Nor after her "commercial" charms he'll run, + My modest beauties mocking. + Hist! I believe of me they're making fun! + _O Ciel_! 'tis simply shocking! + + Hist! I can hear her, the sly cat. How fond + Her glances bold and bright! + Her bag is brimming, mine's a broken bond. + I dreamed not me he'd slight + For such mere bagman beauty, tamely blonde, + But--ah! _was_ BLOWITZ right? + + [_Left doubting._ + +[Footnote 1: "The success of a Russian Loan is not dearly purchased by +a little effusion, which, after all, commits Russia to nothing." (See +Cartoon "Turning the Tables," Sept. 26, 1891.)] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A TERRIBLE THREAT. + +Impatient Old Gentleman (to Female Post-Office Assistant, who is +chatting pleasantly with an agreeable acquaintance). "LOOK HERE, +YOUNG WOMAN, IF YOU DON'T GIVE ME MY CHANGE, CONFOUND IT, I'M HANGED +IF I DON'T GO AWAY _WITHOUT IT_!"] + + * * * * * + +DR. VAUGHAN, of Salford, is to be the New Roman Catholic Archbishop of +Westminster. He is a bright cheerful-looking man now, but it is to +be feared that the extra toil and trouble of London may soon give his +features a Care-Vaughan expression. + + * * * * * + +THE BOUNDS OF SCIENCE. + +(FRAGMENT FROM A FIN DE MONDE ROMANCE.) + +The Student had read many things, but he had not yet considered +the subject of Coal. He knew that it was expensive, but he had not +imagined that there was so little in the world. But he at length +obtained the requisite knowledge, and set to work to put things +to-rights. He called upon the Secretary of a Transatlantic Ocean +Steamer Company, and remonstrated with him upon the waste with which +the transactions of his institution were conducted. + +"You carry your passengers too rapidly," he observed. + +"As how?" asked the Secretary. + +"Why I am given to understand that the power generated by the coal +gives each person on board your ships a rate of progression night and +day of twenty-four horses." + +"And, if it does--what then?" + +"Why, it is too much," returned the Student. "All the coal in the +world will be exhausted in something like four or five hundred years; +and so, while there is yet time, I had better go somewhere where coal +is a secondary consideration. What shall I do?" + +And then the Secretary advised the Student to take a ticket to the +Centre of Africa--and the Student followed his advice. But the day +before the boat started, the Student once more appeared. + +"I am afraid," said he, "I must ask you for the return of my money. I +find that it will be useless for me to go to the Centre of Africa, as +the Sun is about to cease giving warmth." + +"Dear me!" cried the Secretary, "I was under the impression that the +Sun was timed to last about one hundred millions of years?" + +"It may have been in the far distant past," returned the Student, +sadly, "but recent statistics fix the termination of the Sun's +existence at a much nearer date. There is no doubt that the Sun +will not last more than four millions of years, or five millions at +longest. Now give me my money!" + +And (of course) the bullion was promptly returned. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BROKEN BONDS. + +_La France_. "IS IT POSSIBLE!--BUT SIX MONTHS AGO!--AND NOW--"] + + * * * * * + +LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS. + +NO. XII.--TO PLAUSIBILITY. + +DEAR OLD PLAU, + +Hear you have been seen about again with GENIALITY. Poor GENIALITY, it +may be admitted, is often something of a fool when he is by himself, +but when you and he begin to hunt in couples, you are a deadly +pair. I once knew a St. Bernard dog--you will perceive the analogy +by-and-by--who lived on terms of friendship with a Skye terrier. +By himself _Rufus_ was a mild and inoffensive giant. He adored the +house-cat, and used to help her, in a ponderous way, with the care +of her numerous family. Many a time have I seen him placidly extended +before a fire, while puss used his shaggy body as a sleeping box, and +once he was observed to help that anxious tabby-mother with the toilet +of her kittens by licking them carefully all over. At every lick of +_Rufus's_ huge prehensile tongue a kitten was lifted bodily into the +air, only, however, to descend washed and unharmed to the ground. But +out of doors, in the society of _Flick, Rufus's_ whole nature seemed +to change. He became a demon-exterminator of cats. Led on by his +yelping little friend, he chased them fiercely to their last retreats, +and, if he caught them, masticated them without mercy. Once too, on +a morning that had been appointed for a big covert-shoot, I noticed +this strangely assorted pair come into the breakfast-room panting and +dirty. They were not usually afoot before breakfast. What could their +condition mean? A flustered keeper arrived shortly afterwards and +explained everything. "Them two dogs o' yourn, Sir," he said, "the big +'un and the little 'un, 'ave run all the coverts through. There's not +a pheasant left in 'em. They're sailin' all over the country." + +[Illustration] + +The truth was that _Flick_ had organised the expedition with +extraordinary secrecy and cunning. He had persuaded _Rufus_ to join +him, and the result was that we shot forty pheasants instead of the +three hundred on which we had counted. + +Now, my dear PLAU, I merely record this little story, and leave you +to apply it. But I may remind you of incidents that touch you more +nearly. Do you remember GORTON? Many years ago GORTON went to Oxford +with a brilliant reputation. Every triumph that the University could +confer was held to be within his grasp. His contemporaries looked +upon him as a marvellous being, who was destined to rise to the top +of whatever tree he felt disposed to climb. He was really a delightful +fellow, fresh, smiling, expansive, amusing, and his friends all +worshipped him. Of course he went in for the Hertford. His success was +certain; it was merely a question as to who should be second. On the +evening before the examination began, there was a strange commotion in +GORTON's College. GORTON, who was supposed to have been reading hard, +was found at about twelve o'clock in the quad in his nightgown. He was +on all fours, and was engaged in eating grass and roaring out ribald +snatches of Latin songs in a shrill voice. When the porter approached +him he said he was a hippogriff, and that in another ten minutes he +intended to fly to Iffley and back in half a second. He was carried +up to bed raving horribly. On the following day he grew calmer, and +in a week he was himself again. But by that time, of course, the +examination was over, and DUBBIN was soon afterwards announced as the +successful competitor. + +Judging the past by what I know now, I cannot doubt that the madness +of GORTON was what patrons of the prize-ring call a put-up job, for +he never afterwards showed the smallest symptom of lunacy. He had not +worked sufficiently, and knew he must fail. So he became temporarily +insane, to avoid defeat and maintain his reputation for scholarship. +He left Oxford without taking a degree, and owing money right and +left--to tradesmen, to his friends, to his tutor. Then he disappeared +for some years. + +Next he suddenly cropped up again in Ireland. A small borough +constituency had been suddenly declared vacant. GORTON happened to be +staying in the hotel. He promptly offered himself as a candidate, and +plunged with extraordinary vigour into the contest. The way that man +fooled a simple-hearted Irish electorate was marvellous. They came to +believe him to be a millionnaire, a king of finance, a personage at +whose nod Statesmen trembled, a being who mingled with all that was +highest and best in the land. He cajoled them, he flattered them, he +talked them round his little finger, he rollicked with them, opened +golden vistas of promise to everyone of them, smiled at their wives, +defied the Lord Lieutenant, and was elected by a crushing majority +over a native pork-merchant who had nothing but his straightforward +honesty to commend him. Of course there was a petition, and equally +of course GORTON was unseated. Then came the reckoning. GORTON had +apparently intimated that two of the great London political Clubs were +so warmly interested in his candidature as to have undertaken to pay +all his expenses. But when application was made to these institutions, +their secretaries professed a complete and chilling ignorance of +GORTON, and the deputation from Ballywhacket, which had gone to London +in search of gold, had to return empty-handed to their native place, +after wasting a varied stock of full-flavoured Irish denunciation on +the London pavements. But GORTON was undaunted. He actually published +an address in which he lashed the hateful ingratitude of men +who betrayed their friends with golden words, and abandoned them +shamefully in the hour of defeat. But never, so he said, would he +abandon the betrayed electors of Ballywhacket. Others might shuffle, +and cheat and cozen, but he might be counted upon to remain firm, +faithful, and incorruptible amidst the seething waves of political +turpitude. + +Having issued this, he vanished again, and was heard of no more for +six or seven years. Then he gradually began to emerge again. He was +engaged in the completion of an immense work of genealogical research, +which was intended to cast an entirely new light on many obscure +incidents of English history. For this he solicited encouragement--and +subscriptions. He enclosed with his appeals some specimen pages, which +appeared to promise marvels of industry and research. His preface +was a wonderful essay, of which a HAYWARD would scarcely have +been ashamed. In this way he gathered a large amount of money from +historical enthusiasts with more ardour than knowledge, and from old +friends who, knowing his real ability, believed that he had at last +determined to justify the opinions of him which they had always held +and expressed. It is unnecessary to add that not another line was +written. For several years ill health was supposed to hinder him. We +read piteous stories of his struggles against the agonies of neuralgia +and rheumatics, some of us threw good money after bad in the effort to +relieve the imaginary sufferer; but to this day the proofs of PERKIN +WARBECK's absolute claim to the throne, and of JACK CADE's indubitable +royal descent remain in the scheming brain of GORTON. Eventually the +poor wretch did die in penury, but over that part of his story I need +not linger. The irony of fate ordained that when he was actually in +want he should wish to be thought in possession of a large income. + +I knew a Clergyman once--at least I had every reason to believe him +to be a lawfully ordained Minister of the Church of England. He was +taken on as temporary Curate in a remote district. His life, while he +remained there, was exemplary. He was untiring in good works; the poor +adored him, the well-to-do honoured him. We all thought him a pattern +of unselfish and almost primitive saintliness, and when he departed +from us he went with a silver inkstand, a dining-room clock and a +purse of sovereigns, subscribed for by the parish. The odour of his +sanctity had scarcely evaporated before we discovered, with horror, +that the man had never been ordained at all! He was an impostor, +masquerading under an assumed name, but while he was with us he did +good and lived a flawless life. These matters puzzle me. Perhaps you, +my dear PLAU, can explain. + +Yours, DIOGENES ROBINSON. + + * * * * * + +A RATHER LARGE ORDER.--Amongst the many suggested plans for housing +the collection of pictures once offered by Mr. TATE to the Nation, is +a scheme for turning the Banqueting-hall at Whitehall to a useful and +good account. As a thoughtful Artist has observed in this connection, +"At this moment the spacious building is tied round the necks of the +Members of the United Service Institution like a white elephant." + + * * * * * + +A MONEY-LENDER said he had never been inside a Church since the day +he looked in at hymn-time, and heard them singing, "With one per cent. +let all the earth," and he didn't want to hear anymore. + + * * * * * + +TRYING TO THE TEMPER.--Mrs. R. says nothing can induce her to eat +cross buns, as they are sure to disagree with her. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TRIALS AT THE LAW COURTS. + +A TIMID BUT ERUDITE "LEADER" IS URGED TO TAKE A "BAD OBJECTION."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +All who are interested in the theatrical celebrities of past times +will do well to read a brief, indeed, a too brief paper, about DOROTHY +JORDAN, written by FITZGERALD MOLLOY, for _The English Illustrated +Magazine_ of this month. The Baron does not remember if THACKERAY +touched on the story of this talented Actress in his Lectures on "_The +Four Georges_;" but the sad finish to the brilliant career of Mrs. +JORDAN could hardly have escaped the great Satirist as being one +instance, among many, illustrating the wise King's advice as to "not +putting your trust in Princes;" "or," for the matter of that, and in +fairness, it must be added, "in any child of man." Poor DOROTHY, or +DOLLY JORDAN! but now a Queen of "Puppets," and now--thus, a mere +rag-dolly. Ah, CLARENCE!--"False, fleeting, perjured CLARENCE!" as +SHAKSPEARE wrote of that other Duke in Crookback'd RICHARD's time, for +whom the "ifs" and "ands" of life were resolved for ever in a final +"butt." + +In the issue for 1891 of that most interesting yearly Annual, _The +Book-Worm_, for which the Baron, taking it up now and again, blesses +ELLIOT STOCK, of Paternoster Row, there is a brief but interesting +account of _The Annexed Prayer-Book_, which, after some curious +chances and changes, was at last ordered to be photographed page by +page, without being removed from the custody of Black Rod. "By means +of an elaborate system of reflecting," the process of photographing +was carried on in the House of Lords. It is satisfactory to all +Book-worms to know that so important a work was not undertaken without +even more than the usual amount of reflection. + +THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +THE HAMLET IN THE HAYMARKET. + +With Mr. TREE's impersonation of _Hamlet_ most London playgoers +are by this time acquainted, though not yet familiar. It is a +most interesting performance, especially to those who remember +the inauguration of startling new departures by CHARLES FECHTER. +The question for every fresh _Hamlet_ must always be, "How can I +differentiate my _Hamlet_ from all previous _Hamlets_? What can I +do that nobody has as yet thought of doing?" "To be or not to be" +_Hamlet_, "that is the question"; whether 'tis better continuously to +suffer the tortures of uncertainty as to what you might have achieved +had you essayed the part, or to take up the study of it, and ceasing +to shiver on the bank, leave off your damnable faces, and plunge in? +Mr. TREE has plunged, and is going on swimmingly. + +Mrs. TREE's _Ophelia_ sane, is charming. Her distraught _Ophelia_ is +very mad indeed, and her method in her madness is excellent. + +[Illustration: "I am thy Father's Ghost!"] + +There is a curious monotony in some of the stage-business. Thus, +_Ophelia_ pauses in her exit and comes up quietly behind the +absent-minded Prince as if to play bo-peep with him: then, later on, +after his apparently brutal treatment of her, _Hamlet_ returns, and, +while he is stooping and in tears, he kisses her hair and runs away +noiselessly as if this also were another part of the same game. Then +again, in the Churchyard, after the scandalous brawling (brought +about by the stupid ignorance of a dunderheaded ecclesiastic, to whose +Bishop _Laertes_ ought to have immediately reported him), _Hamlet_ +returns to weep and throw flowers into the grave. Now excellent +"returns" are dear to the managerial heart, and consoling to his +pocket, when they attest the overflowing attendance of "friends in +front;" but when "returns" are on the stage, their excellence may be +questioned on the score of monotony. Now, as to the Churchyard Scene, +permit me to make a suggestion:--the Second Gravedigger has been +commissioned by the First Gravedigger, with money down, to go to a +neighbouring publican of the name of YAUGHAN, pronounced Yogan or +Yawn,--probably the latter, on account either of his opening his mouth +wide, or of his being a sleepy-headed fellow,--and fetch a stoop of +liquor. Now, when all the turmoil is over, the remaining gravedigger +would at once set to work, as in fact he does in this scene at the +Haymarket; but here he just shovels a handful of mould into the grave, +and then, without rhyme or reason (with both of which he has been +plentifully supplied by SHAKSPEARE), suddenly away he goes, merely to +allow for the "business" of _Hamlet's_ re-entrance. But why shouldn't +there be here, prior to the return of _Hamlet_, a re-entrance of the +Second Gravedigger, as if coming back from friend YAUGHAN's with +the pot of ale? The sight of this would attract First Gravedigger, +and take the thirsty soul most readily from his work to discuss +the refreshment in some shady nook. Then by all means let _Hamlet_ +return to pour out his grief; and on this picture ought the Curtain +effectively descend. + +A novel point introduced by Mr. TREE is that his _Hamlet_, +entertaining an affectionate remembrance of the late YORICK, assumes a +friendly and patronising air towards YORICK's successor, a Court Fool, +apparently so youthful that he may still be supposed to be learning +his business. So when His Royal Highness _Hamlet_ has what he +considers "a good thing" to say, Mr. TREE places the novice in jesting +near himself, and pointedly speaks at him; as e.g., when, in reply to +the King's inquiry after his health, he tells him that he "eats air +promise-crammed," adding, with a sly look at the Court Fool, "you +cannot feed capons so." Whereat the Fool, put into a difficult +position, through his fear of offending the Prince by _not_ laughing, +or angering the King (his employer) by laughing, has to acknowledge +the Prince's witticism with a deferential, but somewhat deprecatory, +snigger. + +Again, when _Hamlet_ is "going to have a lark" with old _Polonius_--a +proceeding in exquisitely bad taste by the way--Mr. TREE's _Hamlet_ +attracts the young Court Jester's attention to his forthcoming +novelty. Now this time, as the repartee is about as rude a thing +as any vulgar cad of an 'ARRY might have uttered, the professional +Jester, who evidently does not owe his appointment to the Lord +Chamberlain's favour, and is exempt from his jurisdiction, grins +all over his countenance, and hops away to explain the jest to some +of the courtiers, while _Hamlet_ himself, to judge by his smiling +countenance, is clearly very much pleased with his own performance +in showing a Jester how the fool should be played. And this notion +is consistent with the character of a Prince who takes upon himself +to lecture the Actors on their own art. There is no subtler touch in +SHAKSPEARE's irony than his putting these instructions to players +in the mouth of a noble amateur. Of the revival, as a whole, one +may truthfully say, _Ca donne a penser_, and, indeed, the study of +_Hamlet_ is inexhaustible. + + * * * * * + +WITH THEIR EASTER EGGS. + +_The Emp-r-r of G-rm-ny._--Presentation copy of the light and leading +satirical English Paper. + +_The Cz-r of R-ss-a._--Letter of regret from President C-RN-T. + +_The Pr-s-d-nt of the Fr-nch R-p-bl-c._--Secretly-obtained copy of +proposed treaty for a Quadruple Alliance. + +_The K-ng of It-ly._--Scheme for a _modus vivendi_. + +_The P-pe._--Duplicate copy of ditto. + +_Ch-nc-ll-r C-pr-vi._--Permit for leave of absence. + +_Pr-nce V-n B-sm-rck._--A song, "_The Return of the Pilot_." + +_The M-rq-s of S-l-sb-ry._--Date of the General Election. + +_The Ch-nc-ll-r of the Exch-q-r._--Comments on the Budget. + +_F-rst L-rd of the Tr-s-ry._--New rules for the game of Golf. + +_Rt. Hon. W.E. Gl-dst-ne._--Set of Diaries for the next twenty years. + +_The P-t L-r-te._--The Order of "The Foresters." + +_The Oxf-rd E-ght._--The Blue Riband of the Thames. + +_S-r A-g-st-s Dr-r-l-n-s._--A month's well-deserved rest. + +_N-b-dy in P-rt-c-l-r._--A legacy of L100,000. + +_Ev-ryb-dy in G-n-r-l._--Rates and taxes. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SO FRIVOLOUS! + +_Wife_. "SOLOMON, I HAVE A BONE TO PICK WITH YOU." + +_Solomon_ (_flippantly_). "WITH PLEASURE, MY DEAR, SO LONG AS IT'S A +FUNNY BONE!"] + + * * * * * + +THE DYNAMITE DRAGON. + + A dragon! Faugh! that foul and writhing Worm + Seems scarcely worthy of the ancient term + That fills old myth, and typifies the fight + 'Twixt wrathful evil and the force of right. + The dragons of the prime, fierce saurian things + With ogre gorges and with harpy wings, + Fitted their hour; the haunts that gave them birth, + The semi-chaos of the early earth, + The slime, the earthquake shock, the whelming flood, + Made battle ground for the colossal brood. + But now, when centuries of love and light + Have warmed and brightened man's old home; when might + Is not all sinister, nor all desire + Fierce appetite, that all-devouring fire,-- + When life is not alone a wasting scourge, + But from the swamps of soulless strife emerge + Some Pisgah peaks of promise where the dove + Finds footing, high the whirling gulfs above,-- + Now the intrusion of this loathly shape, + With pestilence-breathing jaws that blackly gape + For indiscriminate prey, is sure a thing + To set celestial guards once more a-wing; + To fire a new St. Michael or St. George + With the bright death to cleave the monster's gorge, + And trample out the Laidly Worm's last breath + In the convulsions of reluctant death. + A crawling, craven, sneaking, snaking brute; + Purposeless spite, and hatred absolute, + In hideous shape incarnate! Venomed Gad + In Civilisation's path; malignant-mad, + And blindly biting; raising an asp-neck + In Beauty's foot-tracks, and prepared to wreck + The ordered work of ages in a day, + To raze and shatter, to abase and slay. + Blind as the earthquake, headlong as the storm, + Yet in such hideous subter-human form, + Vulgar as venomous! Dragon indeed, + And dangerous, but with no soul save greed, + No aim save chaos. Bloody, yet so blind, + The common enemy of humankind; + Whose age-stored works and ways it yearns to blast, + To smite to ruined fragments, and to cast + Prone--as itself is prone--in common dust. + The Beautiful, the Wise, the Strong, the Just, + All fruit of labour, and all spoil of thought, + All that co-operant Man hath won or wrought, + All that the heart has loved, the mind has taught + Through the long generations, hoarded gains + Of plastic fancies, and of potent brains; + Thrones, Temples, Marts, Art's alcoves, Learning's domes, + Patrician palaces, and _bourgeois_ homes. + Down, down!--to glut _its_ spleen, the paltry thing, + Impotent, save to lurk, and coil, and spring, + But powerful as the poison-drop, once sped, + That creeps, corrupts, and leaves its victim--dead! + As the asp's fang could turn to pulseless clay + The Pride of Egypt, so this Worm can slay + If left long covert for its crawling course. + Up, up against it every virile force, + And every valorous virtue! By its hiss + 'Tis known _hostis humani generis_, + Let Civilisation snatch St. Michael's sword, + And slay this Dragon, of a tribe abhorred + The meanest and the most malignant Worm + Which can spill venom, but, attacked, will squirm, + Shrink, splutter, vanish. With no noble end, + All men must be its foes, blind hatred its sole friend! + + * * * * * + +BREAKING. + + [In his spot-barred Billiard-Match with H. COLES, PEALL made + breaks of 108, 133, 64, 52, 78, 77, and 80.] + + Break, break, break + On thy Billiard-board, oh P.! + As easy as cutting butter + The business seems to thee. + + "Oh, well that the spot is barred," + The knowing ones glibly say, + "Or we might get no chance + Of a COLES' strike here to-day." + + And the marvellous game goes on. + Till the watchers have their fill; + And one drops off, and dreams + He's taken the "Red" for a pill. + + Break, break, break! + And there's one that will broken be; + For the Pony I put on the other man + Will never come back to me. + + * * * * * + +SUGGESTION FROM "CHILDE HAROLD" AT OLYMPIA.--"I stood in Venice on the +Bridge of Size And paint," &c., &c. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE DYNAMITE DRAGON.] + + * * * * * + +ON THE FIRST GREEN CHAIR. + +[Illustration: Thursday, April 7. Hyde Park. Mid-day.] + + Reach it, attendant; wicked winter flies off: + Place it with pomp for me to sit and stare + Up at the sun who banquets us with cries of + "Chair!" + + Long have we pined in darkness most uncanny: + Now to Hyde Park return its gauze of gold, + Jewels of crocus and enhancements mani- + -fold. + + Welcome, delicious zephyr, blithe new-comer, + Urging to purchase patent-leather boots, + Hats of a virgin glossiness, and summer + suits. + + Welcome, attire of carnival-carousers, + Suddenly bursting on the 'wildered view. + Mine--I don't mind confessing it--are trousers + new, + + These that, serene in atmosphere serenest, + Droop o'er a Chair, whose emerald taunts the trees-- + Green are the leaves, and greener than the greenest + Peas! + + All things must end: to-morrow may be icy: + Wither too soon the joys that freshest are; + End will sweet summer reveries, and my ci- + gar. + + Ends too that master-piece of Messrs. HYAM + Bashfully hinted at in line sixteen; + Green was the Chair I sat on--and now _I_ am + green! + + * * * * * + +"ALL'S (FAIRLY) WELL." + + SCENE--_The War Office. Sanctum of the COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF. + H.R.H. is seated on a chair. To him enter (after being + properly complimented by a couple of Grenadiers on guard + over an area) INSPECTOR-GENERAL OF EVERYTHING, Field-Marshal + PUNCH._ + +_Inspector-General_ (_sharply_). Well, Sir! (_COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF comes +briskly to attention_.) No, your Royal Highness, you can be seated. +I don't want to disturb you--much! And now, how is the Easter Review +getting on? + +_Com.-in-Chief_. First-rate, Sir. Excellent, Sir! Couldn't be better, +Sir! + +_Insp.-Gen._ (_dryly_). I have heard those phrases before, your Royal +Highness--especially "couldn't be better"--and found subsequently that +things ought to have been better, very much better, Sir. + +_Com.-in-Chief_ (_anxiously_). But I assure you, Sir, that this time +we are doing our level best. Why, Sir, fancy, we are going to have +thirty thousand men under arms! Think of that, Sir--thirty thousand +men! + +_Insp.-Gen._ About the numbers of a German Brigade, or is it a +Regiment? + +_Com.-in-Chief_ (_with a forced laugh_). Come, Sir, I see you are +joking! Yes, thirty thousand men, and some of them are going down +fully equipped. Why, for instance, the Artists will march the +whole way to the scene of the operations with their own regimental +transport! And so will the 1st London Engineers. Think of that, Sir! + +_Insp.-Gen._ And how much have you gentlemen here had to do with that, +Sir? Why, the Volunteers would have been left in a state of utter +unpreparedness had not the public taken the initiative. What did the +War Office and the Horse Guards do towards giving them their kit? + +_Com.-in-Chief_. Well, it is all right now, Sir. And we are going +to have a splendid time of it. The idea is that a hostile force has +landed at Deal during the early hours of Monday morning, and-- + +_Insp.-Gen._ (_interrupting_). Yes, I have read all that in the +papers. But come, tell me who is to command? + +_Com.-in.-Chief_ (_rather taken aback_). Well, Sir, the customary +crew. I suppose BILLY SEYMOUR. + +_Insp. Gen._ (_severely_). I presume, your Royal Highness, that you +refer to General Lord WILLIAM SEYMOUR, who will be in command at +Dover. + +_Com.-in-Chief_ (_abashed_). Certainly, Sir. You are a little +particular to-day, Sir. + +_Insp. Gen._ (_gravely_). I am always particular--very +particular--when I have to deal with the Volunteers. Well, Sir, +General Lord WILLIAM SEYMOUR, commands at Dover--proceed, Sir; pray +proceed. + +_Com.-in-Chief_. Then, Sir, there's General GOODENOUGH at Maidstone, +and General DAWSON-SCOTT at Chatham. + +_Insp.-Gen._ Is he a Volunteer? + +_Com.-in-Chief_ (_laughing_). Why no, Sir; of course not, Sir. Why +he's in the Royal Engineers. Although in my Crimean days we never +considered Sappers soldiers. We used to say that-- + +_Insp.-Gen._ (_severely_). No levity, Sir. And pray who else is to be +in command? + +_Com.-in-Chief_. Well, Sir, I shall be present myself on Saturday, and +then take the March-past on Monday. + +_Insp.-Gen._ Yes; but how about the Volunteers? What about them? Why +don't you let the officers command their own men? + +_Com.-in-Chief_. Why, Sir, you see in time of war-- + +_Insp.-Gen._ (_interrupting_). You would find Volunteer officers as +capable as any others. Your Royal Highness has no doubt studied the +lessons taught by the war between the Northerners and the Southerners +in America? + +_Com.-in-Chief_. I have glanced at the subject, Sir, at the Royal +United Service Institute. And may I venture to hope that you are +satisfied, Sir? + +_Insp.-Gen._ (_after a pause_). Well, yes, I think you are doing +better. But, in future, give a share of the command to Volunteers _pur +et simple_. And now just jot down what I have further to say to you. + + [_Scene closes in upon the COM.-IN-CHIEF taking notes._ + + * * * * * + +CONNECTED WITH THE PRESS. + +At a recent meeting of the Institute of Journalists, it was proposed +that future candidates for membership should undergo an examination +to test their qualifications before election. Should the proposal +be adopted, no doubt some such paper as the following will be set +to those desirous of obtaining the right of adding "M.I.J." to their +names. + +1. Would you as a Reporter venture to use such expressions as +"devouring element" or "destructive fluid" in sending in "flimsy" to a +London Daily Paper? State when you would consider yourself entitled to +describe yourself "a Special." + +2. What are the rights of a Journalist at a free luncheon? If an +Editor finds himself present, should he return thanks for the Press +himself, or leave that duty in the hands of a bumptious Reporter. + +3. Write an essay upon the Law of Libel, and say when a paper, (1) +should apologise, (2) fight it out, and, (3) settle it out of Court. + +4. Define the difference between a "comment of public importance" and +a "puffing advertisement." + +5. What is "log-rolling?" Give examples to illustrate the meaning of +the word. + +6. Show, concisely, why the World could not revolve without the +Press, and why the Press would cease to be without your own personal +assistance. + + * * * * * + +UPON JULIA'S COAT. + +(AFTER HERRICK.) + +[Illustration: LENTEN FASHION. + +Sack-Coat, nearest approach to Sackcloth, for Lent.] + + Whenas my JULIA wears a sack, + That hides the outline of her back, + I cry, in sore distress, "Alack!" + She showed a dainty waist when dressed + In jacket; true, the size confessed + That whalebone had its shape compressed. + Still was her form sweet as her face, + But now what change has taken place! + This "sack coat" hides all maiden grace. + Although men's clothes are always vile, + The coat, the trousers and the "tile"! + Some sense still lingers in each style. + But women's garments should be fair, + All graceful, gay and debonair. + And if they lack good sense, why care? + O JULIA, cease to wear a sack, + A garb all artists should attack, + In which both sense and beauty lack! + + * * * * * + +DRINKS AND DRAMAS. + + ("HENRY THE EIGHTH is a Soda-water Play."--Mr. Irving's + Evidence before the Committee.) + +Mr. Irving has now completed his list of refreshments suited to +performances. They can be obtained, like Mr. GOSCHEN's reserve of +shillings, "on application," which does not mean gratis. + +_Macbeth_.--Very fine old Scotch. + +_Hamlet_.--Bitters. + +_Romeo and Juliet_.--Rum and Milk. + +_Othello_.--Dublin Stout. + +_Merchant of Venice_.--Port(1 A.). + +_Charles the First_.--Bottled Ale (with a fine head). + +_The Cup_.--Tea. + +_Faust_.--Ginger Brandy. + +_Much Ado About Nothing_.--Benedictine. + +_Corsican Brothers_.--Half-and-half. + + * * * * * + +A BERLIN CITIZEN'S DIARY. + +(TRANSLATED BY OUR FIRST STANDARD BOARD SCHOLAR.) + + ["It is stated that the soldier who, on Friday last, fired + at and killed a man who threatened him while on sentry duty + before the barracks in the Wrangel-strasse, Berlin, has been + promoted to the rank of corporal, for what is described as his + correct conduct on the occasion. The passerby, who was wounded + at the same time, still lies in a precarious condition."--_St. + James's Gazette_, April 6.] + +_April 1._--I go walking near barracks; see man looking quietly at +building. Suddenly fires the sentry with his long distance rifle, so +that the straight onward through the harmless onlooker's heart and +through my never sufficiently to be regretted right arm passing bullet +in the remote distance a child kills. Long live our good Emperor and +his glorious army! Carried home insensible. + +_June 1._--At last am I from arm-amputation recovered and walk again +out. The sentry was for his on the first April quite courageous act to +be Sergeant promoted. Here comes a Sergeant! He is it! Look curiously +at him whereupon he me in the leg shoots. Long live our Emperor! Again +carried home. + +_Sept. 1._--Again out, in invalid chair, meet same man, now +Lieutenant. I murmur sadly, "Ah, my friend, I gave you a leg-up +indeed!" Then he, saying that I him insulted have, my remaining arm +with his sword off cuts. I respect our Emperor, but I love not his +soldiers now. Must hire an amanuensis. + +_January 1._--After my long illness go I once again, Unter den Linden, +in my invalid chair--that is to say, what is left of me. My enemy is +now a Colonel. Shall I him again see? Heaven forbid! Alas, he comes +even now, with those weapons which so rapidly him increase, and me +diminish! I say nothing, but he, seeing me, with his sword my last +limb off cuts. I love not even our Emperor now. + +_May 1._--To-day is the Socialists' Day, and I can once more +out-dragged be. I am now a without legs or arms Socialist. My enemy +can be promoted now only by my body. He has become a General and +Count--(_Here the Diary ends abruptly._) + +"_Berlin, May 2._--Yesterday an unfortunate Gentleman, without arms or +legs, when passing the Royal Palace in his invalid chair, was attacked +by a distinguished officer, who ran his sword through the heart of +the unoffending civilian. The assassin was immediately promoted, as is +usual in such cases, and is now Field Marshal Prince BLUTUNDRUHM VON +SCHLACHTHAUSEN."--_London Daily Papers._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CULTURE. + +SCENE--A Private Picture Gallery. + +Noble Sportsman (opposite choice example of Canaletto). "I SAY, BY +JOVE, I SEE YOU'VE GOT A PICTURE OF OLYMPIA HERE!"] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +[Illustration: Alpheus Cleophas.] + +House of Commons, Monday, April 4.--ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS has adde +a new terror to Parliamentary life. It is bad enough to have him +unexpectedly rising from a customary seat; usually finds a place on +top Bench below Gangway, whence, in days that are no more, NEWDEGATE +used to lament fresh evidences of Papal ascendancy. House grown +accustomed to hearing the familiar voice from this accustomed spot. +To-night, conversation on question of Privilege been going forward for +some time. Seemed about to reach conclusion, when suddenly, far below +the Gangway in Irish quarter, ominous sound broke on startled ear. + +[Illustration: Personal Conductor.] + +At first all eyes turned to NEWDEGATE's old quarters; but the voice +evidently did not proceed thence. Following the sound, Members came +upon ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS breaking out in a fresh place. Otherwise, +all the same; the flat-toned voice, the imperturbable manner that +awaits cessation of storm of obloquy, and then completes interrupted +sentence; the conviction that somebody (generally the Government) +is acting dishonestly, and needs a watchful eye kept upon him; +the information conveyed that the Eye is now turned on--all were +there, each identified ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS. Up again and again during +preliminary discussion, always shouted at, and ever quietly waiting +till noise has subsided, when he finishes the interrupted sentence, +and begins another. + +_Business done._--In Committee on Small Holdings. + +_Tuesday._--Happy circumstance in the history of all Administrations +that there is never lacking a friend on their own side to keep them +on the right path. RADCLIFFE COOKE suddenly developed tendency towards +personally conducting the Government. Hitherto appeared as a docile +follower. New state of affairs arose in connection with Breach of +Privilege by Cambrian Railway Directors. HICKS-BEACH last night gave +notice to take into consideration Special Report of Select Committee +charging Directors with Breach of Privilege. BEACH proposed to wait +awhile till "the other side" had got up a case or two, to show that +if Masters were prone to punish their Servants for giving inconvenient +evidence on question of Hours of Labour, the Servants were no better +when they had power to inflict + +[Illustration: WANTED, A FIGURE REPRESENTATIVE OF THE LONDON COUNTY +COUNCIL. + +SOME OF THE SUGGESTIONS SENT IN TO MR. PUNCH.] + +on each other similar punishment. BEACH made his proposal in +matter-of-fact way, anticipating general concurrence. But CHANNING +objected; GEORGE TREVELYAN did not approve the suggestion; while the +SQUIRE OF MALWOOD eagerly seized BEACH's maladroit phrase about "the +other side," and made great play with it. Probably BEACH might have +disregarded this action from Opposition Benches; but different when +RADCLIFFE COOKE rose from Bench immediately behind Ministers, and in +severely judicial manner criticised proposed action of President +of Board of Trade. BEACH said nothing at moment; after some hours' +reflection, announced withdrawal of original proposition and intention +of proceeding with indictment of Cambrian Directors without waiting +for case of "the other side." + +To-day he moved that on Thursday the accused should appear at Bar of +House. This on point of being agreed to when COOKE again appeared on +scene; with increased impressiveness of manner argued against BEACH's +proposal. Prince ARTHUR began to look uneasy; no knowing where this +sort of thing would end if it spread. What with SEXTON on one side +correcting grammar of Ministerial Resolutions, and RADCLIFFE COOKE on +the other amending their procedure, it really seemed time to go to the +country. Something like condition of paralysis stealing over Treasury +Bench when SPEAKER came to assistance of Ministers, and benignly but +effectively pointed out to COOKE that he was one too many, was in fact +spoiling the broth. COOKE tried to argue the matter out, but SPEAKER +peremptory and Ministers saved from fresh rebuff. + +"It's all very well for them arguing round the subject like that," +said MACLURE, nervously mopping his forehead. "But it's a very +different thing with me, at my age and fighting weight. An Insurance +Broker, Director of various Railway and other Companies, formerly +Major of the 40th Lancashire Volunteers, a Trustee for three Church +livings, and father of a large family, to be brought up on a Breach +of Privilege is no slight matter. Indignity is aggravated by the +locality. 'The Bar' is the last place in the world where the friends +of JOHN WILLIAM MACLURE would think it likely to find him." + +_Business done._--In Committee on Small Holdings. + +_Thursday Night._--After all, MACLURE didn't have to stand at the Bar +to-night, so his feelings were saved a peculiarly painful wrench. But +the Chairman of Cambrian Railway held a special meeting at Bar. It was +attended by Mr. BAILEY HAWKINS, and Mr. JOHN CONACHER, Manager of the +Company. The SERGEANT-AT-ARMS also looked in, bringing the Mace with +him. + +[Illustration: Turning his Back on his own Resolution.] + +"Now if they were _really_ going to have anything at the Bar," said +MACLURE, looking wistfully on, "a drop of mulled port or anything like +that, Mace would come in handy. Suppose ERSKINE would dip it in the +jorum and stir the liquor round." + +So MACLURE joked, and so, as JULIUS 'ANNIBAL, naturally well-posted up +in this epoch of history, reminds me, NERO fiddled whilst Rome burned. +Fact is, MACLURE in terrible funk; mental condition shared by his +Chairman, Co-director, and the Manager. The latter, resolved to sell +his life dearly, brought in his umbrella, which gave him a quite +casual hope-I-don't-intrude appearance as he stood at the Bar. + +Members at first disposed to regard whole matter as a joke. Cheered +MACLURE when he came in at a half trot; laughed when, the Bar pulled +out, difficulty arose about making both ends meet. + +"That's the Chancellor of the Exchequer's duty," said WILFRID LAWSON; +"GOSCHEN ought to go and lend a hand." + +Bursts of laughter and buzz of conversation in all parts of the House; +general aspect more like appearance at theatre on Boxing Night when +audience waits for curtain to rise on new pantomime. Only the SPEAKER +grave, even solemn; his voice occasionally rising above merry din with +stern cry of "Order! order!" + +"Of course, now they're at the Bar they can order what they please," +said TANNER. Well the SPEAKER didn't hear him. Later, on eve of final +division, he offered another remark in louder tone. SPEAKER thundered +down upon him like a tornado, and TANNER quiet for rest of sitting. + +[Illustration: The Woolwich Infant "goes off."] + +HICKS-BEACH's speech gave new and more serious turn to affairs. +Concluded with Motion declaring Directors guilty of Breach of +Privilege and sentencing them to admonition. But speech itself clearly +made out that Directors were blameless; all the bother lying at door +of Railway Servant who had been dismissed. Speech, in short, turned +its back on Resolution. This riled the Radicals; not to be soothed +even by Mr. G. interposing in favourite character as GRAND OLD +PACIFICATOR. Storm raged all night; division after division taken; +finally, long past midnight, Directors again brought up to the +Bar, the worn, almost shrivelled, appearance of CONACHER's umbrella +testifying to the mental suffering undergone during the seven hours +that had passed since last they stood there. + +SPEAKER, with awful mien and in terrible tones, "admonished" them; and +so to bed. + +_Business done._--Cambrian Directors admonished for Breach of +Privilege. + +_Tuesday, April 12._--House adjourns to-day for Easter Holidays; +good many adjourned after Friday's Sitting; some waited to hear JOKIM +bringing in his Budget last night. Few left to-day to wind up the +business. HUGHES, gallant Colonel who represents Woolwich, here a few +minutes ago. But he's gone too. "Sometimes," he said, with a far-away +smile, "they call me 'the Woolwich Infant.' If I am such a very big +gun, perhaps the best thing I can do is to go off." + +I follow his example. + +_Business done._--Adjourned for Easter Holidays. + + * * * * * + +THE LEGEND OF THE MUTTON BONE. + +(BY OUR NEWLY-MARRIED POETESS.) + +[Illustration] + + When the world is full of flowers and of butterflies at play, + I could sit beneath the roses eating chocolates all day; + But my heart is very heavy as I ponder with dismay + On the Mutton Bone a-lying in the Larder! + + For GEORGE has squandered sixpence on a telegram from town, + To say that he has come across "that dear old chappie--BROWNE," + And to dine with us this evening he means to bring him down-- + And the Mutton Bone is lying in the Larder! + + I have just been down to see it, and my courage sinks a-new, + Though Cook has kindly promised me her very best to do-- + Which means that she'll convert into an appetising stew + The Mutton Bone a-lying in the Larder. + + But I suddenly remember, with a blush of rosy pink, + That Cook--alas! is given to the frequent use of drink, + And if she once gets muddled up--perhaps she'll never think + Of the Mutton Bone a-lying in the Larder! + + * * * * * + + As the western sun is gilding all the heather of the moor, + Down the basement stairs I'm creeping--till a widely open door + Shows me Cook in heavy slumber on her cherished kitchen floor-- + And the Mutton Bone is lying in the Larder! + + O GEORGE, there'll be no dinner, dear, for you and BROWNE to-day! + I picture to myself the pretty words that you will say-- + And I seize my guinea bonnet--and I wander far away + From the Mutton Bone a-lying in the Larder! + + * * * * * + +MOTTO FOR A SOAP CO.--"Nothing like Lather." + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. 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