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diff --git a/old/14364.txt b/old/14364.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..5921cb9 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14364.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1544 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume 102, +March 12, 1892, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume 102, March 12, 1892 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: December 16, 2004 [EBook #14364] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 102. + + + +March 12, 1892. + + + + +DOING THE OLD MASTERS. + +(_A SKETCH AT BURLINGTON HOUSE_.) + +IN GALLERY NO. I. + +_The Usual Elderly Lady_ (_who judges every picture solely by +its subject_). "No. 9. Portrait of Mrs. BRYANSTON of Portman. By +GAINSBOROUGH." I don't like that at all. Such a _disagreeable_ +expression! I can't think why they exhibit such things. I'm sure +there's no _pleasure_ in looking at them! + +_Her Companion_ (_who finds no pleasure in looking at any of them_). +No, I must say I prefer the Academy to these old-fashioned things. I +suppose we can get a cup of _tea_ here, though? + +_An Intelligent Person_. "Mrs. BRYANSTON of Portman." Sounds like a +made-up name rather, eh? Portman Square, and all that, y'know! + +[Illustration: "My dear fellow, as if it was possible to mistake his +touch!"] + +_His Friend_ (_with a touching confidence in the seriousness of the +authorities_). Oh, they wouldn't do that sort of thing _here_! + +_A Too-impulsive Enthusiast_. Oh, JOHN, _look_ at that lovely tiger up +there! _Isn't_ the skin marvellously painted, and the eyes so natural +and all! It's a Landseer of _course_! + +_John_. Catalogue says STUBBS. + +_The Enth._ (_disenchanted_). STUBBS? I never heard of him. But it's +really rather well done. + +_The Man who is a bit of a Connoisseur in his way_ (_arriving at a +portrait of Mrs. BILLINGTON_). Not a bad Romney, that. + +_His Friend_ (_with Catalogue_). What makes you think it's a Romney? + +_The Conn._ My dear fellow, as if it was possible to mistake his +touch. (_Thinks from his friend's expression, that he had better +hedge._) Unless it's a Reynolds. Of course it _might_ be a Sir Joshua, +their manner at one period was very much alike--yes, it might be a +Reynolds, certainly. + +_His Friend_. It might be a Holbein--if it didn't happen to be a +Gainsborough. + +_The Conn._ (_effecting a masterly retreat_). Didn't I _say_ +Gainsborough? Of course that was what I _meant_. Nothing like +Reynolds--nor Romney either. Totally different thing! + +IN GALLERY NO. II. + +_Mr. Ernest Stodgely_ (_before JAN STEEN's "Christening"_). Now look +at this, FLOSSIE; very curious, very interesting. Gives you such an +insight into the times. This man, you see, is wearing a hat of the +period. Remarkable, isn't it? + +_Miss Featherhead_. Not so remarkable as if he was wearing a hat of +some _other_ period, ERNEST, is it? + +_The Elderly Lady_ (_before a View of Amsterdam, by Van der Heyden_). +Now, you really _must_ look at this, my dear--isn't it wonderful? Why, +you can count every single brick in the walls, and the tiny little +figures with their features all complete; you want a magnifying-glass +to _see_ it all! How conscientious painters were in those days! +And _what_ a difference from those "Impressionists," as they call +themselves. + +_Her Comp._ (_apathetically_). Yes, indeed; I wonder whether it would +be better to get our tea here, or wait till we get outside? + +_The Eld. L._ Oh, it's too early yet. Look at that poor hunted stag +jumping over a dining-room table, and upsetting the glasses and +things. I suppose that's LANDSEER--no, I see it's some one of the name +of SNYDERS. I expect he got the _idea_ from LANDSEER, though, don't +you? + +_Her Comp._ Very likely indeed, dear; but (_pursuing her original +train of thought_) you get rather nice tea at some of these aerated +bread-shops; so perhaps if we waited--(_&c., &c._) + +IN GALLERY NO. III. + +_Two Pretty Nieces with an Elderly Uncle_ (_coming to "Apollo and +Marsyas," by Tintoretto_). What was the _story_ of Apollo and Marsyas, +Uncle? + +_The Uncle_. Apollo? Oh, come, you've heard of _him_, +the--er--Sun-God, Phoebus-Apollo, and all that? + +_His Nieces_. Oh, yes, we know all _that_; but who was Marsyas, and +what does the Catalogue mean by "Athena and three Umpires?" + +_The Uncle_. Oh--er--hum! Didn't they teach you all that at school? +Well they _ought_ to have, that's all? Where's your Aunt--where's your +Aunt? + +_Mr. Ernest Stodgely_ (_before the Portrait of the Marchesa Isabella +Grimaldi_). There, FLOSSIE, don't you feel the greatness of that now? +I'm curious to know how it impresses you! + +_Miss Featherhead_. Well, I rather like her frock, ERNEST. How funny +to think aigrettes were worn so long ago, when they've just gone out +_again_, don't you know. It must have been difficult to kiss a person +across one of those enormous ruffs, though, don't you think? + +IN GALLERY NO. IV. + +_Mr. Schohorff_ (_loudly_). Ah, _that's_ a picture I know well; seen +it many a time in the Octagon Boudoir at dear old HATCHMENT's. But +it looks better lighted up. I remember the last time I was down there +they told me they'd been asked to lend it, but the Countess didn't +seem to think (_&c., &c._). + +_Mrs. Frivell_ (_before "Death of Dido," by Liberale da Verona_). Why +is she standing on that pile of furniture in the courtyard, though? + +_Mr. F._ Because AEneas had jilted her, and so she stabbed herself on a +funeral pyre after setting fire to it, you see. + +_Mrs. F._ (_disapprovingly_). How _very_ odd. I thought they only did +that in India. But who are all those people looking-on? + +_Mr. F._ Smart people of the period, my dear. Of course Dido would +send out invitations for a big function like that--Wind-up of the +season--Farewell Reception--sure to be a tremendous rush for cards. +Notice the evident enjoyment of the guests. They are depicted in the +act of remarking to one another that their hostess is doing all in +_her_ power to make the thing go off well. Keen observer of human +nature, old LIBERALE! + +_Mrs. F._ Selfish creatures! + +IN THE VESTIBULE. + +_Mrs. Townley-Ratton_ (_about to leave with her husband, encounters +her cousins, the Miss RURAL-RATTONS, who have just arrived_). Why, +SOPHY, MARY! _how_ are you? this is _too_ delightful! When _did_ you +come up? How long are you going to be in town? _When_ can you come and +see me? + +_Miss Sophy Rattan_ (_answering the two last questions_). Till the end +of the week. What will be the best time to find you? + +_Mrs. T.R._ (_warmly_). Oh, _any_ time! I'm almost _always_ in--except +the afternoons, of course. I'm going out to tea or something every day +this week! + +_Miss Sophy R._ Well, how would some time in the morning-- + +_Mrs. T.R._ The morning? No, I'm afraid--I'm _afraid_ it _mustn't_ be +the morning _this_ week--so many things that one _has_ to see to! + +_Mr. T.R._ (_lazily_). You'd better all come and dine quietly some +evening. + + [_He yawns, to tone down any excess of hospitality in this + invitation._ + +_Mrs. T.R._ (_quickly_). No, that would be _too_ cruel, when I know +they'll want to go to a theatre every night! And besides, I really +haven't a single free evening this week. But I must see if we can't +_arrange_ something. You really must drop me a line _next_ time +you're coming up! Good-bye, dears, we mustn't keep you from the +pictures--such a fine collection this winter! Love to your Mother, +and say I shall try to call--if I _possibly_ can! + +_Mr. T.R._ (_as they descend the stairs_). I say, SELINA, you forgot +to ask 'em where they are. Shall I run back and find out, eh? + +_Mrs. T.R._ Not on _any_ account. They're probably at the Grand as +usual, and if they're not, it will be a very good excuse if I can't +call. You are such a _fusser_, ALFRED! + +_Miss Sophy_ (_to_Miss MARY_). What a let-off! I wouldn't have minded +lunch so much--but _dinner_--no, thank you, my dear! + +_Miss Mary_ (_gloomily_). She may call on Mother and ask us all yet. + +_Miss Sophy_. She doesn't know where we are, and I took good care not +to tell her. It's getting too dark to see much, but we'll just walk +through the rooms, to say we've done it--shall we? [_They do._ + + * * * * * + +A SETTLER FOR MR. WOODS.--Mrs. RAM does not at all wonder at Amateurs +being able to "pick up old pieces of china at CHRISTY's," for she has +often heard that you've only got to go to King Street, where anyone +may see them "knocked down under a hammer." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "OFF HIS FEED." + +_Salisbury the Vet._ "HUM! SEEMS TO HAVE WASTED A BIT! WANTS A +TONIC."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "THINGS ARE NOT WHAT THEY SEEM." + +_Mr. Foozler_ (_who, while waiting for the last Train, has wandered +to the end of the Platform, opened the door of the Signal-box, and +watched the Signalman's manipulations of the levers for some moments +with hazy perplexity, suddenly_). "ARF O' BURT'N 'N BIRRER F' ME, +GUV'NOR!"] + + * * * * * + +"OFF HIS FEED!" + + SCENE--_The St. Stephen's Stables. Stall of the Favourite, + "Majority," who is being inspected by the great "Vet." + (S-L-SB-RY) in presence of the Groom (B-LF-R), and the + Stable-help (CH-PL-N)._ + +_Stable-help_ (_anxiously_). Why, he used to be a stunner, and a + safe and steady runner, + And we trusted him, most confident, for landing us the Stakes + Now, what can the cause of _this_ be? He's a-looking queer and + quisby; + And his off fore leg seems shaky, and the rest ain't no _great_ + shakes. + +_Groom_ (_sharply_). Not too much of it, you HARRY! You are here + to fetch and carry, + And not to pass opinions in the presence of the Vet. + But he _does_ look dicky, Mister; I've tried bolus, I've tried + blister, + But I haven't got him up to his old form by chalks, Sir, _yet_! + +_Vet._ (_dubiously_). You're a bit new at the "biz.," lad, and I + tell you what it is, lad,-- + These thoroughbreds aren't managed like a dray-horse, don'tcher + know. + They want very careful feeding, and Sangrado purge or bleeding + Won't suit our modern strain--of man _or_ horse. Steady, lad! + Woa! [_Examines him._ + +_Groom_ (_rather sulkily_). Well, Sir, what do you make it? + +_Vet._ Off his feed? + +_Groom_. Well, he don't take it. + Not voracious, so to speak, Sir, as he do when cherry ripe. + +_Vet._ Ah-h-h! May want a change of diet. Eye is neither bright + _nor_ quiet, + And his coat seems dull and roughish, though he's sound in pulse + and pipe. + +_Stable-help_. Don't take kindly to his fodder, and, what _I_ + thinks even odder, + With a temper like a hangel, gits a bit inclined to kick. + Landed _'Art Dyke_ a fair wunner! + +_Groom_ (_testily_). Well, you are an eighty-tonner + At superfluous patter, HARRY! + +_Stable-help_ (_aside_). Lor! _His_ temper's gitting quick! + What has been and popped the acid in his style so prim and placid? + Doesn't shine like what he thought to as head-groom. Yus, + there's the rub! + +_Vet._ (_looking at sieve_). Seem to shy _that_ feed! + +_Groom_. I mixed it with the greatest care, and + fixed it + With an eye to tempt his appetite, but there, he's off his grub! + +_Vet._ (_to Stable-help_). Takes your green stuff better? + +_Stable-help_. True, Sir! + +_Groom_. But too much o' that won't do, + Sir. + Can't live on tares entirely! (_Aside._) This here boy's too + full of beans. + +_Vet._ Ah! I see the whole position. He's a bit out of condition, + Wants a tonic and skilled treatment. Yes, no doubt that's what + it means. + With an appetite that's picksome comes a temper tart and tric + But a pick-me-up--I'll send one--will, I'm sure set all that + square. + And if there's further wasting, then, without too headlong hasting, + Give him, as soon as possible--a little _Country Air_! + + * * * * * + +LORD WILDERMERE'S MOTHER-IN-LAW. + + She's as bad as can be, but she's "Precious" to me, + Though her conduct cannot be called free from a flaw; + For in spite of blackmail, I have vowed ne'er to fail + In the duty I owe to my Mother-in-law. + + There have been flippant sneers and conventional jeers, + At a worthy relation that I hold in awe; + Though it angers my wife, all the joy of my life + Comes from drawing big cheques--for my Mother-in-law. + + Peccadilloes she had, but she isn't all bad, + And the folks who have sneered shall their libels withdraw; + To our dance she shall come, and the world be struck dumb + At the way that I've whitewashed my Mother-in-law. + + She shall rise from the slime of what people called crime, + To a virtuous height, for I always foresaw + 'Twould be wise to proclaim to all ages the fame + Of that much-maligned female--a Mother-in-law. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WHAT OUR ARTIST (THE CHEEKY ONE) HAS TO PUT UP WITH. + +"LOOK HERE, MY PRINCE OF PICTURE-DEALERS--A GREAT FRIEND OF MINE, THE +COUNTESS OF WATERBRUSH, IS GOING TO HAVE AN ART STALL AT THE LITTLE +PEDDLINGTON BAZAAR. COULD YOU SPARE HER LADYSHIP ANY OLD RUBBISH YOU +CAN'T GET RID OF? IT'S FOR A CHARITY, YOU KNOW." -- "ACH! ZOH! VELL, +MY YOONG VRENT, I HAFE ZUM TOZENS OF YOUR VATER-CULLERS ZAT PERHAPS +HER LATYSHIP _MIGHT_ MANAGE TO KET RIT OF--FOR A _CHARITY_, YOU KNOW! +SHE IS FERRY VELCOME, I ASSURE YOU!"] + + * * * * * + +DEATH IN THE POP. + +Rather alarmed by reading in paper about "explosive buttons." Seems +that combs, collars, cuffs, buttons and things made to imitate ivory +and tortoiseshell are really highly combustible. Lady in West of +England had her dress ignited by sudden explosion of a "fancy" button! +In consequence, advise my wife "to use that new hairbrush I gave her +very gingerly, or she'll be blown up." She wants to know "why I didn't +find that out before buying it." Difficult to find suitable reply. +Result--nobody blown up so far, except myself. + +Combing my few remaining locks. No harm in comb, I suppose, as maker +assured me it was "only made of celluloid." Comb suddenly driven a +couple of inches into my head, with loud report! In bed for three +weeks. Write to maker, who says, "Didn't I know celluloid was mixture +of camphor and gun-cotton?" No, I didn't. + +Playing billiards, when sufficiently recovered. Just executing +fiftieth spot-stroke in succession, when--an explosion! Cue driven out +of my hand, and half-way down marker's throat. Turns out that ball was +a mixture of Turkish Delight and nitroglycerine, and objected to my +hitting it. Marker brings action, and gets damages out of me. + +Little later. New fancy waistcoat. Buttons like pearl. Rub one, to +give extra polish--Bang!--explosion. Where am I? In the middle of next +week, on which date I write this. + + * * * * * + +CON. BY A WELSHER.--Why has Wales more Clerks than England?--Because +it has a _Penman more_. + + * * * * * + +ENCOUNTER. + +(_An Effort in the Spasmodic-Obscure, after the American Original +quoted by Mr. James Payn in "Our Note-Book."_) + + Two Spooks, swirled fast along the Vast, + Meeting each other "at the double," + Collided, squirmed, then howled aghast, + Each to the other, "What's _your_ trouble?" + + "Alas!" one whined, "Rymed Rot I read, + Affected to admire, and quote it!" + The other wailed, with shame-bowed head, + "My case is even worse,--_I wrote it_!" + + * * * * * + +THE SCALE WITH THE FALSE WEIGHTS. + +(_A PAGE FROM THE NEWGATE CALENDAR--UP-TO-DATE EDITION._) + +The two Convicts were tried at the same Assizes, put in the same dock +and sentenced by the same Judge. So a companionship sprang up between +them considering that one was by birth and education a Gentlemen, and +the other was not. And they went to the same prison, and listened +to the same words of the same Chaplain, and took their occasional +exercise in the same practising yard. And as luck would have it, they +served the same time, and were liberated at the same moment. + +"I am afraid I must say good-bye, GILES," said ST. JAMES, as they +emerged into freedom from the portals of the gaol. "Good fellow as you +are, GILES, you do not belong to my set, and your presence would be +embarrassing." + +"Oh, would it!" returned GILES, who had already recognised some of his +friends. "Well, I don't want to press my company on anyone." + +"No offence!" exclaimed ST. JAMES, "I beg you--no offence! But we have +both to begin life again, and union is not strength in a case such as +ours!" + +"Oh, no offence!" acquiesced GILES, as he accompanied some of his pals +to a neighbouring public-house. + +ST. JAMES, left to his own devices, hurried to the Chambers that he +used to rent before he went to prison. They were "To Let." He rang the +bell, and the porter started back when he saw him. + +"Hope you don't want to enter, Sir," said he; "but the Guv'nor gave +strict orders, as if you called, that you was not to go in. It ain't +my fault, Sir, but the Guv'nor is the Guv'nor!" + +Disheartened by this rebuff, he tried the house of a friend, but +was so scornfully received, that he made up his mind never to visit +another acquaintance. Of course he found that his name had been +removed from his Clubs, and not a single individual would recognise +him. He was an outcast, and a ruined man. So he walked about the +streets until his shoes were in holes, and his last penny exhausted. +Then he lay down to sleep. But this was against the regulations, and +so he was hustled from pillar to post, until at last he found himself +in a very low part of town. He was trudging past a public-house, +when who should emerge from its cheerful-looking recesses but GILES. +"Hallo!" cried the young man, who seemed the picture of health, "are +_you_ down?" + +"Yes--very," returned ST. JAMES. "I haven't a friend in the world, and +no one will have anything to say to me." + +"What a shame!" cried the other. "Why, with me, I have had a rare old +time! Everybody has been pleased to see me." + +"But hasn't your conviction injured you?" + +"Not particularly. I have lots of people who support me. Why, if we +were _too_ particular with one another, we shouldn't have a pal in the +world! Hope there's nothing wrong." + +"Why, don't you call this wrong? Here are you, as jolly as possible, +and I--a miserable man!" + +"Can't be helped. We are in the same box." + +"Are we?" said the semi-genteel Convict. "Well, I should have scarcely +believed it! Then, I suppose I must comfort myself with the thought +that the same law applies to the rich as the poor." + +"Does it?" returned the commoner Convict. "Then all I can say is, that +whatever the law may be, the punishment is never the same." And ST. +JAMES, with a bitter sigh, wished he could change places with his more +fortunate dock-mate. + + * * * * * + +THE CHEF'S NEW DISH FOR TRAVELLERS.--"_Insurance of Passengers' +Luggage_."--Bravo, THOMAS COOK AND SON! Not "too many Cooks," but +"just Cooks enough!" Hitherto the traveller had only to present +himself ready "dressed" to be thoroughly Cook'd, and done throughout, +to a turn. Now, in addition, his baggage can be book'd and Cook'd; +and, should any "_Gravy delictum_" happen to it, the value of the lost +portmanteau and boxes will be handed over to the aggrieved passenger. + + * * * * * + +PATHETIC DESCRIPTION OF THE PRESENT STATE OF MR. GEORGE +ALEXANDER.--"He is running WILDE at the St. James's Theatre.--Yours, +L.W.F." + + * * * * * + +CONFESSIONS OF A DUFFER. + +VI.--THE DUFFER AT WHIST. + +Whist, it seems to me, is an affair of eyes, memory, and calculative +ratiocination. As to eyes, I have a private theory that mine are +bewitched. It is not mere short sight. At school and college I have +seen Greek words on the printed page, and translated them correctly, +and come to grief, because these words, on inspection, were somehow +not there. Explain this I cannot, but it is a fact. The same with +Whist; I see spades where clubs are, and diamonds for hearts, and a +cold world accuses me of revoking and of carelessness, but it is _not +_ carelessness. It is something gone askew in phenomena. Thus, when +I am a witness as to facts in a trial, perjury is the softest word +for my testimony, so the Court thinks, because the Court is blessed +with the usual relations between objective facts, and subjective +impressions. I admit that I am less fortunate, but when I try to go +into this, I am interrupted. However, this is why I revoke. + +[Illustration] + +Then as to memory, I have none, for cards. It is extremely difficult, +indeed impossible, to recall who played what, after the cards are once +out of sight. I could tell you, like the man in the story, that such +and such a statement is on the ninety sixth page of the fifth volume +of GIBBON, the page on the left, half-way down; useless things of that +sort I remember: cards, not. As to calculation and inferences, I give +it up. I just first play out all my kings, then all my aces, I lead +trumps, if I have a bunch of them, and then it is my partner's turn +to make his little points. I return his lead when I happen to think +of it, which is not often. That is all _I_ have to confess, but I +have a friend, a brilliant player _I_ call him, and he permits me to +contribute his experiences, as mine are short and simple. To my mind, +Whist would not be a bad game, if the element of skill were excluded; +but give me Roulette. If foreign ladies would not snatch up my +winnings, I should be a master at Roulette, where genius is really +served, for I play on inspiration merely. But let me turn to the +confessions of my friend, my Mentor, I may call him, a man who is a +Member of the Burlington itself, one who has had losses, go to! Hear +him speak:-- + +"I have always sympathised," he says, "with _Mr. Pickwick_, in regard +to his experiences at Whist; that is to say, his experience on the +second occasion narrated in his history. The first time, it will be +remembered, all went well, when, owing to unfortunate lapses on the +part of 'the criminal Miller,' who omitted to 'trump the diamond' +and subsequently revoked, he and the fat gentleman were worsted in an +encounter with _Mr. Wardle's_ mother and the immortal hero. + +"But at Bath there was a different tale to tell, the _Dowager Lady +Snuphanuph_ and _Mrs. Colonel Wugsby_, proved too able for him and +_Miss Bolo_, who when he played a wrong card, which, like me, he +probably did every other time, looked a small armoury of daggers, +and subsequently in a beautiful instance of the figure known to the +grammarian as Hendiadys, went home in tears and a Sedan chair." + +Bearing in mind the advice attributed to TALLEYRAND, I have +conscientiously endeavoured to become a Whist-player; but it is +becoming increasingly obvious to me, that owing to the malison +pronounced at my birth, my room is generally preferred to my company. +And yet I have studied the subject according to my lights. Every +instance of Whist in fiction which comes under my notice receives my +undivided attention, and when I read Miss BROUGHTON, such a sentence +as, "I suppose," she said, "that it's the right thing to play out all +one's aces first? Her partner conscientiously endeavoured to veil the +expression of extreme dissent which this proposition called forth, +and with such success that the ace of hearts instantly and confidently +followed his brother." + +When I read hints like these, I garner them up for my own future use. +I have pored over every known text-book on the subject, from MATTHEWS +and HOYLE to CAVENDISH. I once went so far as to learn the proper +leads by rote, forgetting them all within a week; and owing to my +inveterate habit of endeavouring to justify the most flagitious acts +by a supposed reference to authority, have earned for myself the name +of "Pole." + +There are some with whom I play, who contrive to make me feel more at +my ease than do others, and even look upon me in virtue of my playing +with "those men at the Club" as one having authority; for among +the blind the one-eyed man is king. There is my Mother-in-law for +instance, now I really enjoy a rubber with _her_. We sit down after +dinner at a table scant of cloth, and either much too small or so +inconveniently large that I cannot see the trump at the other end of +it. She usually begins operations by misdealing, which is precisely +what always happens to me with a new pack; nor do I yet understand +how it is that the expert manages to deal at about sixty miles an hour +without a mistake, whereas when my turn comes every other card seems +to get stuck to its neighbour by a very superior kind of glue, so that +they all come out in batches of twos and threes as it were, instead of +one by one. + +But when the deal has come right, her next step is to sort her cards, +which she does by placing all her trumps apart from the others between +her third and fourth fingers; I can thus tell how many she has, and am +further assisted by her generally dropping one or two in the process +face upwards on the table. This would be punishable at the Club; but +as she would consider it "mean" were any allusions made to it, nothing +happens. Towards the end of the hand her attention is apt to wander, +and owing to her abstraction play comes to a dead halt. When a hint +is offered that we are waiting for her, with prompt and business-like +alacrity but regardless of the rigorous formula, "Place your cards, +please," she will say, "Who led a spade?" there being at the time a +club, a heart, and a diamond on the table. Then, being the only one +who has a card of the leader's suit left, she revokes but is not found +out. When she leads out of turn, as happens on an average four or +five times every rubber, if I am against her, I call a suit from her +partner, upon which she says, flaring up, "Is _that_ the way you play +at the Club? 'Cheats never thrive.'" Nor do we, for the simple reason, +that she seldom holds less than three honours in each suit, and from +five to six trumps besides! + +This, as I said, is the sort of Whist I rather enjoy; but when it +comes to playing in sober earnest at the Club, there is a different +tale to tell. + +(_This different tale will be told in the Duffer's next._) + + * * * * * + +"AIRY FAIRY LILLY UN!"--One day last week, MR. W.S. LILLY--i.e. +W. "SHIBBOLETHS" LILLY--delivered an excellent lecture on the +Papal-Italian question, and although at Birmingham, it was by no means +a brummagem discourse. But to quote the immortal ballad of _Billy +Taylor_, "When the Captain he come for to hear on't, He werry much +applauded what she'd done," and, to apply the lines to the present +instance, "When the POPE he comes for to hear on't," _will_ he "werry +much applaud," the opinions honestly and courteously enough expressed +in this lecture? By the way, "LEO and the Lilly" would make a fine +subject for a historical cartoon. The learned Lecturer took care to +observe, with all the true modesty of the humble flower from which +his name is derived, that he spoke only the opinion of a party, which +party, whether small, considerable, or large, his audience could judge +for themselves with the unclothed optic, as the party in question was, +not to put too fine a point on it, Himself. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DANCING MEN. + +"WHAT A CHARMING WALTZ THEY'RE PLAYING UPSTAIRS. (MORE CHAMPAGNE, +WAITER. THANKS!)" + +"I'VE ONLY JUST COME--NOT BEEN UPSTAIRS YET. ONE HEARS THE MUSIC SO +MUCH BETTER DOWN HERE. (COLD CUTLET, PLEASE, AND SALAD. THANKS!)"] + + * * * * * + +"A LITTLE HOLIDAY!" + + [It is proposed that 450,000 colliers belonging to the Miners' + Federation should cease work for a week or a fortnight. This, + it is said, is regarded as an "amicable" Strike, not against + the Masters, but to raise the price of coal by producing an + artificial scarcity, and thus avoiding a threatened reduction + of wages consequent upon over-production. This the Miners + call, "Going on Play."] + +_Out-of-Worker to Out-on-Player_:-- + + Who talks of "Solidarity of Labour,"-- + A favourite shibboleth in these our days?-- + To recognise one's duty to one's neighbour + Is that which all--in theory--will praise. + And Unions are upheld, and "Blacklegs" scouted-- + Friends of Fraternity _their_ heads must break + To prove their loyal brotherhood undoubted!-- + But _here_ there seems to be some slight mistake. + + Going on Play, mate, you of the broad shoulders? + Take holiday awhile from pick and lamp? + Well your hard toil impresses all beholders, + Sweating amidst black seams and choking "damp." + A "holiday," for rest and recreation, + None would begrudge you. But at the expense + Of every other worker in the nation? + I don't quite see it! Maybe I am dense. + + A "friendly" Strike, you call it; "amicable"! + Nice sounding words! Strikes mostly mean hot war. + But in to-day's wild Socialistic Babel + Blest if I always know just where we are. + But if I'm out of work, or out of fuel, + Me and a many thousand like me, mate, + Your "friendly" conflict seems a _leetle_ cruel + To us, with idle hands or empty grate. + + I'd like to taste the sweets of "solidarity" + In this connection; so would my pale friend; + He's a poor Clerk. I fancy human charity, + _All round_, a lot of bitter strife would end; + And if _that_'s "solidarity," I'm for it; + But in your "play" _are_ you considering _us_? + No need for snivelling bunkum; I abhor it; + But does fraternity shape itself _thus_? + + Must fight for your own hand? Oh, ah! precisely. + Only that's ISHMAEL, after all, right out. + Maybe that for yourself you're acting wisely,-- + Though even that seems open to some doubt,-- + But if your self-advancement means a smasher + To mill-hand, poor mechanic, labourer, clerk, + Without a fire to fry his slender "rasher," + Fraternity's outlook still looks rather dark. + + With Coal two bob a hundred, and still rising, + Poor folk who buy it by the fourteen pound, + (Dukes at St. James's Hall, this sounds surprising, + But if you'd understand it, just look round!) + Dockers and Brickies, charwomen and "childer," + With such small deer, mate, as my friend and me, + Find one more "Social Question" to bewilder + The small brains left us by chill poverty. + + Fighting _our_ battle? Humph! A rather roundabout + Way of so doing! P'r'aps your Masters, too, + Would claim the same--there _are_ such Bosses found about; + Westminsters, Liveseys, Norwoods, and that crew, + All for our good, not only Strike-Committees, + But Rate-payers' Defence Leagues, and the like! + Oh, the poor Propertied Classes! How one pities + Those victims of the School Board, Council, Strike! + + If Miners and Mine-Owners pull together + To raise the price of Coal--well, it may suit + Both them and you. But, in this bitter weather, + Your "Solidarity" brings _us_ bitter fruit. + When our pinched fire dies down to its last ember, + The picture of you "making holiday" thus + Won't warm our wives and kids. Strike!--but remember + That what is "Play" to you means death to us! + + * * * * * + +A POSER FOR MR. WEATHERBY.--Mrs. RAM is not in the least astonished at +its being said that certain horses turn out "regular flyers," because, +she says, "she has often heard of mares' nests." + + * * * * * + +"MINER PREMISES."--In the Coal Districts. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "A LITTLE HOLIDAY!!" + + WORKING-MAN AND } "AH! IT'S ALL VERY WELL,--BUT WHAT'S _PLAY_ + POOR CLERK. } TO _YOU_ IS _DEATH_ TO _US_." + + * * * * * + +WHAT DO THEY MEAN BY IT? + +In an interesting description (that appeared in the _Times_ for +Saturday, February 27) of the working of the "Jacquard Card-Preparing +Machine," which is, it appears, "a machine for superseding the human +brain, eye, and hand"--(so that soon all who can afford it will be +fitted up with these machines, and keep their brains, eyes, and hands +in reserve for very special occasions)--it was stated that "the blank +cards are automatically fed to the punches." That punches should be +spelt without the capital P is of course a Printer's error, deserving +capital punishment. _Mr. P._ thinks it right to state in answer to +numerous inquiries, that all his _Punches_ speak by the card. But +as to even the smallest of the _Punch_ family being "fed" on cards, +or getting his or her living by cards, the statement is utterly at +variance with the facts. _Mr. P._ is quite sure that the "Jacquard +Automatic Reading and Punching Syndicate" will at once retract +the injurious statement, or the youthful, vigorous and pugnacious +_Punches_ will be inquiring of _Mr. P._, as _Sam Weller_ did of _Mr. +Pickwick_ when that gentleman's great name was apparently taken in +vain, "Ain't nobody to be whopped for takin' this here liberty?" that +is, adapting the question to the present occasion, "Ain't nobody's +head to be Punch'd for this mis-use of an ancient and honourable +name?" + + * * * * * + +THE NAIL-MAKERS' STRIKE.--They refuse to work unless higher wages are +paid "down on the nail." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A "HUNTING FIXTURE." + +HUNG UP ON A STILE, AND HOUNDS RUNNING LIKE MAD.] + + * * * * * + +CRIES WITHOUT WOOL. + +NO. II.--THE GROWL OF THE BEAR. + +(_BY A SINGER IN_ "_AIR_.") + + ["In consequence of the rumour that,... American stocks + declined heavily.... The rumour proved totally without + foundation."--_Any Money-article; any day._] + +[Illustration] + + There is little that goads us with fiercer despair + (Those who buy, you perpend, stock, debenture or share, + Such as speculate mainly; investors are rare--) + Than this growl ill-conditioned of pestilent Bear! + + With a craftiness planned and a malice unfair, + Improvising a scare unsubstantial as air-- + Now it's "war," now "disease," and the world must prepare + For the death of, say, GOULD, or a Chilian flare; + + Or the "cutting of rates:" I am quite unaware + What it means, I declare, but it's "cutting," I swear, + To a person like me, not a flush millionaire + Who must "realise" scrip,--and the canker of care. + + It would seem, we could e'er so conveniently spare + From a world too competitive, blarneyed with blare, + Both the Yankee of Wall-Street, his London _confrere_, + And all criers of "Lost!" when no losses are there; + + All the wreckers, whose lair is secure past compare, + All who batten on bones with a maw debonair, + And the carcase of Poverty torture and tear + With historical fraud, and benevolent glare. + + Who will join me in sport that is novel--who'll dare + In his prosperous pit to go baiting the "Bear," + Who will lead him a dance, who his talons will pare, + And make summary work of this ursine affair? + + * * * * * + +"MUST IT COME TO THIS?" + + SCENE--_The War Office. Present Mr. STANHOPE; to him enter + Inspector-General PUNCH. + +_Mr. Stanhope_. Ah, Sir, glad to see you. Can I do anything for you? + +_Inspector-General_. Well, not for me--but you may and must do +something for those I represent--the Volunteer Officers. + +_Mr. Stan._ Oh, you have come about them, have you? Well, you saw what +I said about them in my Memorandum the other day? + +_In.-Gen._ I noticed what you did _not_ say--you hoped during the +present year to see some practical proposals. + +_Mr. Stan._ Well, what do you want more? + +_In.-Gen._ The proposals themselves. + +_Mr. Stan._ They will come in good time. + +_In.-Gen._ No time in this matter will be good--except the present. + +_Mr. Stan._ Oh, you leave it to me, you will see it will be all right. + +_In.-Gen._ No--unless you attend to the matter at once--now--at this +moment. + +_Mr. Stan._ How you do take me up! What a hurry you are in! + +_In.-Gen._ Shilly-shallying to the rear--action to the front. Now, +then, produce your proposals. + +_Mr. Stan._ (_reluctantly producing a paper from a pigeon-hole_). +Well, here they are--(_giving them_)--what do you think of them? + +_In.-Gen._ (_after a hurried perusal_). Humph! At any rate let them +he published at once, that those interested may be able to come to +an immediate decision as to their utility. Do you hear, Sir? Adieu! +[_Exit._ + + (_And if the SECRETARY of STATE for WAR is a wise man, he + will act upon the hint thus offered him._) + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: GRAND OLD ENERGY. + +[It is stated that Mr. GLADSTONE feels very much the want of exercise +since his return to Parliamentary duties.]] + + * * * * * + +DREAMS. + + [Mr. JOHN MORLEY having said that he would be sorry for the + country whose young men ceased to dream dreams, Lord RANDOLPH + CHURCHILL twitted him with having described the Progressive + party as young men who dream dreams, and added, "They are + words which I will never let die."] + + Dreams, my dear Lord? Well, there are dreams _and_ dreams, + Are those of BURNS much worse than those of WEMYSS? + Are WESTMINSTER's vain visions, though mature + The dreamer, less absurd or more obscure + Than those of some "young man" who dares to hope + That he with crowded London's ills can cope? + "Behold this dreamer cometh!" So of old + The sons of JACOB, envious, scornful, cold, + And fearful for their privilege of birth + And of possession, in derisive mirth, + Cried at young JOSEPH's coming. A "young man," + O reverend oracle! Yet his wit outran, + His wisdom far outsoared, for all their boast, + The _nous_ collective of the elder host; + And PHARAOH, when his "wise men" vainly schemed, + Found statesmanship in a young man who dreamed. + You will not let them die? Well, as you list! + The words, Sir, with a Machiavellian twist, + Tickle the ears of those smart word-fence blinds, + And garbled catch-words win unwary minds, + And, maybe, witless votes. Poor London dreams + Of--many things most horrible to WEMYSS! + The nightmare-incubus of old abuse + Propertied privilege, expense profuse + Of many lives for one, the dead-hand's grip + On the slow generations, the sharp whip + Of a compulsory poverty, the gloom + Of that high-rated den, miscalled a Home! + All these it knows, and many miseries more, + And dreams of--Betterment! You'll "never let die. + JOHN MORLEY's words?" You cannot, though you try. + In vain 'gainst dreaming youth you feign to scream, + Because you're yet a Young Man--and you Dream! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: VERY LITERAL. + +_The Major_. "NO DOUBT YOU'RE VERY FOND OF ANTIQUES, MISS EUGENIA?" + +_Miss Eugenia_. "OH YES, INDEED!--AND I'M DEVOTED TO GRANDMAMMA!"] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +[Illustration: Lord Elcho.] + +_House of Commons, Monday, February 29._--Mr. G. looked in to-night +from the Riviera; greeted with rousing cheer from Opposition; didn't +expect to see him to-day; just arrived from Mediterranean _via_ Paris; +most men in such circumstances would have gone straight home, read +their letters, had quiet dinner, "and so to bed," as the late Mr. +PEPYS occasionally remarked. + +"That's all very well for you elderly fellows, TOBY," said Mr. +G., beaming with health and smiles. "ARMITSTEAD, for example, went +straight off home. I was careful to see about that; he's a fine +fellow, and I humoured him by letting him suppose he was looking after +me as far as Biarritz, and on to Pau. In no other way could I have +got him to make a holiday. Think I rather wore him out at St. Raphael. +When a man gets over sixty he doesn't care about his ten or fifteen +mile walk before luncheon. However, I brought ARMITSTEAD back all +right, and, packing him off home at Charing Cross, just popped in here +to see how you are getting on." + +In respect of business, not getting on at all. Things going awry. +Ministerialists won't come up to scratch in Division Lobby; Majority +that used to flash forth a hundred-candlelight strong, now flickered +down to a score. Opposition growing jubilant and aggressive; Irish +Members, long quiescent, waking up as of yore. To-night Prince ARTHUR, +stung to quick by remarks from JOHN DILLON, made rattling speech +defending his Irish policy; poured contumely and scorn on heads of +Irish Members. + +"You," he said, with gesture of passionate scorn, "see no source of +regeneration for Ireland but in refusal of tenants to pay their rent." + +Lord ELCHO and other young bloods on Ministerial Bench cheered; old +stagers looked grave. + +"Ah, ah!" said CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN, looking on from the Front +Opposition Bench, "I spy the beard of the Irish Secretary under the +muffler of the Leader of the House." + +"Dear me," said ESSLEMONT, who overheard the remark; "I don't remember +BALFOUR with a beard when he was at the Irish Office. You're not +mixing him up with GRANDOLPH?" + +"Get thee to a nunnery, worthy draper," said CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN, "and +in that leisurely retirement read your SHAKSPEARE." + +"A nunnery!" cried ESSLEMONT, more than ever bewildered; "why they +wouldn't let me in. I suppose you mean a monastery; but man and boy +for fifty years I've gone to Kirk, and nothing would--" By this time +CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN was out of hearing. + +_Business done_.--One Vote in Committee of Supply. + +_Tuesday_.--The MARKISS not in his place in Lords to-night. Looked in +at Arlington Street to inquire if absence was due to illness. + +"Not at all, TOBY," said the MARKISS who, indeed, looked quite fit. +"There was nothing particular on the paper to-night, so I didn't go +down. It's necessary for Nephew ARTHUR to be regular in his attendance +on the Commons. But in the Lords it's different. A happy fortune +places the Leader there in a position that relieves him from strain +of unbroken attendance. With STRATHEDEN AND CAMPBELL looking after +foreign policy, and DENMAN taking charge of home affairs, my post is +really a sinecure. They talk about ending or mending of the House of +Lords; but as long as we are blessed with this remarkable combination +of legislative and administrative capacity we can laugh at the idle +threats." + +It was DENMAN who took the floor to-night; moved Second Reading of +a Bill, the simple and comprehensive object of which was to repeal +Local Government Acts of England and Scotland. These passed only a +Session or two ago by continuous united effort of both Houses of +Parliament. DENMAN been closely watching them in operation. Finds +them disappointing, and so would have them repealed. House fully +constituted, with LORD CHANCELLOR on Woolsack, Mace on Table, and +quorum present; gravely listens, whilst tall, white-haired, sad-faced +man rambles on in plaintive voice, urging proposition which, if +carried out, would arrest machinery of Local Government throughout +the Kingdom, leaving all to be gone over again. No one smiles, much +less winks or wags the head. It is just as solemn and as orderly as +if it were the MARKISS himself submitting a Resolution or making +a statement. Only, when the plaintive voice ceases and the tall +figure is reseated on the Bench, nobody proposes to continue the +conversation. LORD CHANCELLOR rapidly gabbles shibboleth in which +"content" stumbles over "not content." + +"Notcontentshaveit," says LORD CHANCELLOR, by way of last word; +leaves Woolsack; the few Peers slowly pass out. It seems the House has +adjourned, DENMAN's Motion being negatived without Division, and Local +Government in England and Scotland will proceed to-morrow as it has +gone on to-day. + +_Business done_.--House of Commons, having agreed to meet at two +o'clock to-morrow instead of twelve, makes up for it by getting itself +Counted Out at eight o'clock. + +_Wednesday_.--Came across LOCKWOOD this afternoon in remote part +of corridor, gesticulating whilst he recited some lines. Fancy he's +getting up that lecture on the "Lawyers in _Pickwick_," announced for +delivery in York on the 15th. Most interesting undertaking. As CHARLES +RUSSELL says, "_Coke-upon-Lyttleton_ will have to take a back shelf in +the Law libraries when _Lockwood-upon-Dickens_ is in circulation." + +Wonder how he finds time for these excursions into the bye-paths +of literature? Hands full at the Bar; frequent attendant here; and +yet he has time to discover _Pickwick_! He tells me great secret of +capability for this kind of work is plain living and regular habits. + +"A chop or steak at eight o'clock with a potato (boiled in its jacket) +and a tumbler of toast-and-water; that's my regular dinner; leaves me +clear-headed and free for a couple of hours' work at my briefs before +I go to bed. Except when kept down at House, rarely out of bed after +eleven. Up at five; cold bath; dry toast; hot milk; another grind +at my briefs; ride down to Court; at it all day, with intervals for +Abernethy biscuit when Court adjourns; and so the mill goes round." + +"Don't you think," said BOB REID, "it's a little unprofessional of +LOCKWOOD going into this _Pickwick_ business? The cases were never, +that I know of, reported in the _Law Journal_. Good fellow LOCKWOOD, +but a little apt to stray outside the ropes. Now he's started +lecturing, there's no knowing how far he'll go. We may see him on the +stage bowling BEERBOHM TREE out as _Hamlet_, or even with his face +corked, dancing a breakdown at St. James's Hall. What does he want to +go a-lecturing for? Do you think he'll draw?" + +"Draw!" I cried. "Why, he's always drawing; he's drawn for _Punch_." +That shut up Master BOB. When you want to hear disparaging remarks +about a man, nothing like going to his bosom friend. _Business +done_.--Irish. + +[Illustration: "Monumental Suavity."] + +_Thursday_.--Mr. G. in fine form to-night; delivered two speeches, +each in highest form of Parliamentary Debate. Infinite variety in +manner. Before dinner, Prince ARTHUR moved to take Morning Sittings +on Tuesdays and Fridays for rest of Session. That means virtual +appropriation on very threshold of Session of time belonging to +private Members. They furious; Mr. G. in benignest mood; shocked, he +must confess, at Prince ARTHUR's unparalleled greed; but not disposed +to turn a deaf ear to his importunity. "If you'd make it Easter, now," +he said, with winning voice and manner, "limit the scope of resolution +to that date, I'm not sure that I should feel disposed to say you +nay." + +Prince ARTHUR jumped at proposal. Sufficient unto Easter are the +Morning Sittings thereof. If he wanted more he could ask again. +Meanwhile he was in possession of what he wanted. + +House looked on in amazement at this little scene. Opposition expected +Mr. G. would have thundered forth denunciations of Prince ARTHUR's +audacity. Here he was making terms with the enemy; doing it all, too, +with imposingly judicial manner that was irresistible. Before House +quite knew where it was, everything was settled. + +"'Now I'm furnished, Now I'm furnished, for my flight'--of oratory." + +It was BLUNDELL MAPLE chanting this line, sung in another place +by _Hecate_. Flight didn't amount to more than asking question as +to whether audiences at unlicensed places of entertainment (in +neighbourhood of Tottenham Court Road or elsewhere) open for Radical +or Liberal entertainments, are duly protected from fire? Members went +off to dinner, pondering on this conundrum. Came back to find Mr. G. +on his legs again, denouncing proposition to vote L20,000 for survey +of railway from Mombasa to Nyanza. A splendid piece of invective; +almost literally shrivelled up poor JOKIM, at whom some of the +scorching flame was pointed with outstretched forefinger. For more +than half an hour, at period of night when most gentlemen of his +years are snugly tucked up in bed, Mr. G. held the audience entranced, +thunderous cheers rolling forth in rapid succession from Liberal +ranks, now and then answered by low growl from Ministerialists. + +[Illustration: The Man who Owns a Mountain.] + +"What a man it is!" cried KENRICK, looking on with monumental suavity; +"almost sorry he left us. Sometimes, at his best, he equals our JOE." +_Business done_.--A couple of Votes in Supply. + +_Friday_.--BRYCE at last got access to mountains in Scotland. + +Been wandering round foot of them through many Sessions, and several +Parliaments. Always something happened to prevent his reaching the +top. Don't believe he'd have got there to-night, only for FARQUHARSON. + +When F. came forward to second Motion, incidentally observing, "I'm +the proprietor of a mountain myself," we felt something must be done, +and BRYCE's Motion was agreed to. + +FARQUHARSON, for rest of evening, object of respectful regard. Some +inquiry as to where he kept his mountain. Did he bring it to Town +with him when he came up for the Session? And, when at home, was he in +habit of leaving it out all night? + +"Don't happen to have it about you, I suppose?" WILFRID LAWSON asked, +eyeing his trousers' pockets. + +FARQUHARSON very reticent on subject. Rumour, just before House +adjourned, that his mountain is one of those situated in the Moon--but +this only envy. + +_Business done_.--Access secured to FARQUHARSON's mountain and others +in Scotland. + + * * * * * + +STRANGE CHARGE AGAINST A GREAT POET.--Lord TENNYSON's _Robin Hood_ +is to be produced at DALY's, New York, and simultaneously, to secure +copyright, by one performance only, at the Lyceum. We never thought +TENNYSON a plagiarist before this, but here is proof positive he's at +it now,--Lord TENNYSON's _robbing Hood_!! + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume +102, March 12, 1892, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14364.txt or 14364.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/3/6/14364/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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