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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume 102,
+March 12, 1892, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume 102, March 12, 1892
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: December 16, 2004 [EBook #14364]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 102.
+
+
+
+March 12, 1892.
+
+
+
+
+DOING THE OLD MASTERS.
+
+(_A SKETCH AT BURLINGTON HOUSE_.)
+
+IN GALLERY NO. I.
+
+_The Usual Elderly Lady_ (_who judges every picture solely by
+its subject_). "No. 9. Portrait of Mrs. BRYANSTON of Portman. By
+GAINSBOROUGH." I don't like that at all. Such a _disagreeable_
+expression! I can't think why they exhibit such things. I'm sure
+there's no _pleasure_ in looking at them!
+
+_Her Companion_ (_who finds no pleasure in looking at any of them_).
+No, I must say I prefer the Academy to these old-fashioned things. I
+suppose we can get a cup of _tea_ here, though?
+
+_An Intelligent Person_. "Mrs. BRYANSTON of Portman." Sounds like a
+made-up name rather, eh? Portman Square, and all that, y'know!
+
+[Illustration: "My dear fellow, as if it was possible to mistake his
+touch!"]
+
+_His Friend_ (_with a touching confidence in the seriousness of the
+authorities_). Oh, they wouldn't do that sort of thing _here_!
+
+_A Too-impulsive Enthusiast_. Oh, JOHN, _look_ at that lovely tiger up
+there! _Isn't_ the skin marvellously painted, and the eyes so natural
+and all! It's a Landseer of _course_!
+
+_John_. Catalogue says STUBBS.
+
+_The Enth._ (_disenchanted_). STUBBS? I never heard of him. But it's
+really rather well done.
+
+_The Man who is a bit of a Connoisseur in his way_ (_arriving at a
+portrait of Mrs. BILLINGTON_). Not a bad Romney, that.
+
+_His Friend_ (_with Catalogue_). What makes you think it's a Romney?
+
+_The Conn._ My dear fellow, as if it was possible to mistake his
+touch. (_Thinks from his friend's expression, that he had better
+hedge._) Unless it's a Reynolds. Of course it _might_ be a Sir Joshua,
+their manner at one period was very much alike--yes, it might be a
+Reynolds, certainly.
+
+_His Friend_. It might be a Holbein--if it didn't happen to be a
+Gainsborough.
+
+_The Conn._ (_effecting a masterly retreat_). Didn't I _say_
+Gainsborough? Of course that was what I _meant_. Nothing like
+Reynolds--nor Romney either. Totally different thing!
+
+IN GALLERY NO. II.
+
+_Mr. Ernest Stodgely_ (_before JAN STEEN's "Christening"_). Now look
+at this, FLOSSIE; very curious, very interesting. Gives you such an
+insight into the times. This man, you see, is wearing a hat of the
+period. Remarkable, isn't it?
+
+_Miss Featherhead_. Not so remarkable as if he was wearing a hat of
+some _other_ period, ERNEST, is it?
+
+_The Elderly Lady_ (_before a View of Amsterdam, by Van der Heyden_).
+Now, you really _must_ look at this, my dear--isn't it wonderful? Why,
+you can count every single brick in the walls, and the tiny little
+figures with their features all complete; you want a magnifying-glass
+to _see_ it all! How conscientious painters were in those days!
+And _what_ a difference from those "Impressionists," as they call
+themselves.
+
+_Her Comp._ (_apathetically_). Yes, indeed; I wonder whether it would
+be better to get our tea here, or wait till we get outside?
+
+_The Eld. L._ Oh, it's too early yet. Look at that poor hunted stag
+jumping over a dining-room table, and upsetting the glasses and
+things. I suppose that's LANDSEER--no, I see it's some one of the name
+of SNYDERS. I expect he got the _idea_ from LANDSEER, though, don't
+you?
+
+_Her Comp._ Very likely indeed, dear; but (_pursuing her original
+train of thought_) you get rather nice tea at some of these aerated
+bread-shops; so perhaps if we waited--(_&c., &c._)
+
+IN GALLERY NO. III.
+
+_Two Pretty Nieces with an Elderly Uncle_ (_coming to "Apollo and
+Marsyas," by Tintoretto_). What was the _story_ of Apollo and Marsyas,
+Uncle?
+
+_The Uncle_. Apollo? Oh, come, you've heard of _him_,
+the--er--Sun-God, Phoebus-Apollo, and all that?
+
+_His Nieces_. Oh, yes, we know all _that_; but who was Marsyas, and
+what does the Catalogue mean by "Athena and three Umpires?"
+
+_The Uncle_. Oh--er--hum! Didn't they teach you all that at school?
+Well they _ought_ to have, that's all? Where's your Aunt--where's your
+Aunt?
+
+_Mr. Ernest Stodgely_ (_before the Portrait of the Marchesa Isabella
+Grimaldi_). There, FLOSSIE, don't you feel the greatness of that now?
+I'm curious to know how it impresses you!
+
+_Miss Featherhead_. Well, I rather like her frock, ERNEST. How funny
+to think aigrettes were worn so long ago, when they've just gone out
+_again_, don't you know. It must have been difficult to kiss a person
+across one of those enormous ruffs, though, don't you think?
+
+IN GALLERY NO. IV.
+
+_Mr. Schohorff_ (_loudly_). Ah, _that's_ a picture I know well; seen
+it many a time in the Octagon Boudoir at dear old HATCHMENT's. But
+it looks better lighted up. I remember the last time I was down there
+they told me they'd been asked to lend it, but the Countess didn't
+seem to think (_&c., &c._).
+
+_Mrs. Frivell_ (_before "Death of Dido," by Liberale da Verona_). Why
+is she standing on that pile of furniture in the courtyard, though?
+
+_Mr. F._ Because AEneas had jilted her, and so she stabbed herself on a
+funeral pyre after setting fire to it, you see.
+
+_Mrs. F._ (_disapprovingly_). How _very_ odd. I thought they only did
+that in India. But who are all those people looking-on?
+
+_Mr. F._ Smart people of the period, my dear. Of course Dido would
+send out invitations for a big function like that--Wind-up of the
+season--Farewell Reception--sure to be a tremendous rush for cards.
+Notice the evident enjoyment of the guests. They are depicted in the
+act of remarking to one another that their hostess is doing all in
+_her_ power to make the thing go off well. Keen observer of human
+nature, old LIBERALE!
+
+_Mrs. F._ Selfish creatures!
+
+IN THE VESTIBULE.
+
+_Mrs. Townley-Ratton_ (_about to leave with her husband, encounters
+her cousins, the Miss RURAL-RATTONS, who have just arrived_). Why,
+SOPHY, MARY! _how_ are you? this is _too_ delightful! When _did_ you
+come up? How long are you going to be in town? _When_ can you come and
+see me?
+
+_Miss Sophy Rattan_ (_answering the two last questions_). Till the end
+of the week. What will be the best time to find you?
+
+_Mrs. T.R._ (_warmly_). Oh, _any_ time! I'm almost _always_ in--except
+the afternoons, of course. I'm going out to tea or something every day
+this week!
+
+_Miss Sophy R._ Well, how would some time in the morning--
+
+_Mrs. T.R._ The morning? No, I'm afraid--I'm _afraid_ it _mustn't_ be
+the morning _this_ week--so many things that one _has_ to see to!
+
+_Mr. T.R._ (_lazily_). You'd better all come and dine quietly some
+evening.
+
+    [_He yawns, to tone down any excess of hospitality in this
+    invitation._
+
+_Mrs. T.R._ (_quickly_). No, that would be _too_ cruel, when I know
+they'll want to go to a theatre every night! And besides, I really
+haven't a single free evening this week. But I must see if we can't
+_arrange_ something. You really must drop me a line _next_ time
+you're coming up! Good-bye, dears, we mustn't keep you from the
+pictures--such a fine collection this winter! Love to your Mother,
+and say I shall try to call--if I _possibly_ can!
+
+_Mr. T.R._ (_as they descend the stairs_). I say, SELINA, you forgot
+to ask 'em where they are. Shall I run back and find out, eh?
+
+_Mrs. T.R._ Not on _any_ account. They're probably at the Grand as
+usual, and if they're not, it will be a very good excuse if I can't
+call. You are such a _fusser_, ALFRED!
+
+_Miss Sophy_ (_to_Miss MARY_). What a let-off! I wouldn't have minded
+lunch so much--but _dinner_--no, thank you, my dear!
+
+_Miss Mary_ (_gloomily_). She may call on Mother and ask us all yet.
+
+_Miss Sophy_. She doesn't know where we are, and I took good care not
+to tell her. It's getting too dark to see much, but we'll just walk
+through the rooms, to say we've done it--shall we? [_They do._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SETTLER FOR MR. WOODS.--Mrs. RAM does not at all wonder at Amateurs
+being able to "pick up old pieces of china at CHRISTY's," for she has
+often heard that you've only got to go to King Street, where anyone
+may see them "knocked down under a hammer."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "OFF HIS FEED."
+
+_Salisbury the Vet._ "HUM! SEEMS TO HAVE WASTED A BIT! WANTS A
+TONIC."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THINGS ARE NOT WHAT THEY SEEM."
+
+_Mr. Foozler_ (_who, while waiting for the last Train, has wandered
+to the end of the Platform, opened the door of the Signal-box, and
+watched the Signalman's manipulations of the levers for some moments
+with hazy perplexity, suddenly_). "ARF O' BURT'N 'N BIRRER F' ME,
+GUV'NOR!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"OFF HIS FEED!"
+
+    SCENE--_The St. Stephen's Stables. Stall of the Favourite,
+    "Majority," who is being inspected by the great "Vet."
+    (S-L-SB-RY) in presence of the Groom (B-LF-R), and the
+    Stable-help (CH-PL-N)._
+
+_Stable-help_ (_anxiously_). Why, he used to be a stunner, and a
+          safe and steady runner,
+    And we trusted him, most confident, for landing us the Stakes
+   Now, what can the cause of _this_ be? He's a-looking queer and
+          quisby;
+    And his off fore leg seems shaky, and the rest ain't no _great_
+          shakes.
+
+_Groom_ (_sharply_). Not too much of it, you HARRY! You are here
+          to fetch and carry,
+    And not to pass opinions in the presence of the Vet.
+   But he _does_ look dicky, Mister; I've tried bolus, I've tried
+          blister,
+    But I haven't got him up to his old form by chalks, Sir, _yet_!
+
+_Vet._ (_dubiously_). You're a bit new at the "biz.," lad, and I
+          tell you what it is, lad,--
+     These thoroughbreds aren't managed like a dray-horse, don'tcher
+          know.
+  They want very careful feeding, and Sangrado purge or bleeding
+     Won't suit our modern strain--of man _or_ horse. Steady, lad!
+          Woa! [_Examines him._
+
+_Groom_ (_rather sulkily_). Well, Sir, what do you make it?
+
+_Vet._                   Off his feed?
+
+_Groom_.                            Well, he don't take it.
+    Not voracious, so to speak, Sir, as he do when cherry ripe.
+
+_Vet._ Ah-h-h! May want a change of diet. Eye is neither bright
+          _nor_ quiet,
+    And his coat seems dull and roughish, though he's sound in pulse
+          and pipe.
+
+_Stable-help_. Don't take kindly to his fodder, and, what _I_
+          thinks even odder,
+    With a temper like a hangel, gits a bit inclined to kick.
+  Landed _'Art Dyke_ a fair wunner!
+
+_Groom_ (_testily_).        Well, you are an eighty-tonner
+    At superfluous patter, HARRY!
+
+_Stable-help_ (_aside_).    Lor! _His_ temper's gitting quick!
+  What has been and popped the acid in his style so prim and placid?
+    Doesn't shine like what he thought to as head-groom. Yus,
+          there's the rub!
+
+_Vet._ (_looking at sieve_). Seem to shy _that_ feed!
+
+_Groom_.                  I mixed it with the greatest care, and
+          fixed it
+    With an eye to tempt his appetite, but there, he's off his grub!
+
+_Vet._ (_to Stable-help_). Takes your green stuff better?
+
+_Stable-help_.           True, Sir!
+
+_Groom_.                            But too much o' that won't do,
+          Sir.
+     Can't live on tares entirely! (_Aside._) This here boy's too
+          full of beans.
+
+_Vet._ Ah! I see the whole position. He's a bit out of condition,
+    Wants a tonic and skilled treatment. Yes, no doubt that's what
+          it means.
+  With an appetite that's picksome comes a temper tart and tric
+     But a pick-me-up--I'll send one--will, I'm sure set all that
+          square.
+  And if there's further wasting, then, without too headlong hasting,
+    Give him, as soon as possible--a little _Country Air_!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LORD WILDERMERE'S MOTHER-IN-LAW.
+
+  She's as bad as can be, but she's "Precious" to me,
+    Though her conduct cannot be called free from a flaw;
+  For in spite of blackmail, I have vowed ne'er to fail
+    In the duty I owe to my Mother-in-law.
+
+  There have been flippant sneers and conventional jeers,
+    At a worthy relation that I hold in awe;
+  Though it angers my wife, all the joy of my life
+    Comes from drawing big cheques--for my Mother-in-law.
+
+  Peccadilloes she had, but she isn't all bad,
+    And the folks who have sneered shall their libels withdraw;
+  To our dance she shall come, and the world be struck dumb
+    At the way that I've whitewashed my Mother-in-law.
+
+  She shall rise from the slime of what people called crime,
+    To a virtuous height, for I always foresaw
+  'Twould be wise to proclaim to all ages the fame
+    Of that much-maligned female--a Mother-in-law.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WHAT OUR ARTIST (THE CHEEKY ONE) HAS TO PUT UP WITH.
+
+"LOOK HERE, MY PRINCE OF PICTURE-DEALERS--A GREAT FRIEND OF MINE, THE
+COUNTESS OF WATERBRUSH, IS GOING TO HAVE AN ART STALL AT THE LITTLE
+PEDDLINGTON BAZAAR. COULD YOU SPARE HER LADYSHIP ANY OLD RUBBISH YOU
+CAN'T GET RID OF? IT'S FOR A CHARITY, YOU KNOW." -- "ACH! ZOH! VELL,
+MY YOONG VRENT, I HAFE ZUM TOZENS OF YOUR VATER-CULLERS ZAT PERHAPS
+HER LATYSHIP _MIGHT_ MANAGE TO KET RIT OF--FOR A _CHARITY_, YOU KNOW!
+SHE IS FERRY VELCOME, I ASSURE YOU!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DEATH IN THE POP.
+
+Rather alarmed by reading in paper about "explosive buttons." Seems
+that combs, collars, cuffs, buttons and things made to imitate ivory
+and tortoiseshell are really highly combustible. Lady in West of
+England had her dress ignited by sudden explosion of a "fancy" button!
+In consequence, advise my wife "to use that new hairbrush I gave her
+very gingerly, or she'll be blown up." She wants to know "why I didn't
+find that out before buying it." Difficult to find suitable reply.
+Result--nobody blown up so far, except myself.
+
+Combing my few remaining locks. No harm in comb, I suppose, as maker
+assured me it was "only made of celluloid." Comb suddenly driven a
+couple of inches into my head, with loud report! In bed for three
+weeks. Write to maker, who says, "Didn't I know celluloid was mixture
+of camphor and gun-cotton?" No, I didn't.
+
+Playing billiards, when sufficiently recovered. Just executing
+fiftieth spot-stroke in succession, when--an explosion! Cue driven out
+of my hand, and half-way down marker's throat. Turns out that ball was
+a mixture of Turkish Delight and nitroglycerine, and objected to my
+hitting it. Marker brings action, and gets damages out of me.
+
+Little later. New fancy waistcoat. Buttons like pearl. Rub one, to
+give extra polish--Bang!--explosion. Where am I? In the middle of next
+week, on which date I write this.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CON. BY A WELSHER.--Why has Wales more Clerks than England?--Because
+it has a _Penman more_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ENCOUNTER.
+
+(_An Effort in the Spasmodic-Obscure, after the American Original
+quoted by Mr. James Payn in "Our Note-Book."_)
+
+  Two Spooks, swirled fast along the Vast,
+    Meeting each other "at the double,"
+  Collided, squirmed, then howled aghast,
+    Each to the other, "What's _your_ trouble?"
+
+  "Alas!" one whined, "Rymed Rot I read,
+    Affected to admire, and quote it!"
+  The other wailed, with shame-bowed head,
+    "My case is even worse,--_I wrote it_!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SCALE WITH THE FALSE WEIGHTS.
+
+(_A PAGE FROM THE NEWGATE CALENDAR--UP-TO-DATE EDITION._)
+
+The two Convicts were tried at the same Assizes, put in the same dock
+and sentenced by the same Judge. So a companionship sprang up between
+them considering that one was by birth and education a Gentlemen, and
+the other was not. And they went to the same prison, and listened
+to the same words of the same Chaplain, and took their occasional
+exercise in the same practising yard. And as luck would have it, they
+served the same time, and were liberated at the same moment.
+
+"I am afraid I must say good-bye, GILES," said ST. JAMES, as they
+emerged into freedom from the portals of the gaol. "Good fellow as you
+are, GILES, you do not belong to my set, and your presence would be
+embarrassing."
+
+"Oh, would it!" returned GILES, who had already recognised some of his
+friends. "Well, I don't want to press my company on anyone."
+
+"No offence!" exclaimed ST. JAMES, "I beg you--no offence! But we have
+both to begin life again, and union is not strength in a case such as
+ours!"
+
+"Oh, no offence!" acquiesced GILES, as he accompanied some of his pals
+to a neighbouring public-house.
+
+ST. JAMES, left to his own devices, hurried to the Chambers that he
+used to rent before he went to prison. They were "To Let." He rang the
+bell, and the porter started back when he saw him.
+
+"Hope you don't want to enter, Sir," said he; "but the Guv'nor gave
+strict orders, as if you called, that you was not to go in. It ain't
+my fault, Sir, but the Guv'nor is the Guv'nor!"
+
+Disheartened by this rebuff, he tried the house of a friend, but
+was so scornfully received, that he made up his mind never to visit
+another acquaintance. Of course he found that his name had been
+removed from his Clubs, and not a single individual would recognise
+him. He was an outcast, and a ruined man. So he walked about the
+streets until his shoes were in holes, and his last penny exhausted.
+Then he lay down to sleep. But this was against the regulations, and
+so he was hustled from pillar to post, until at last he found himself
+in a very low part of town. He was trudging past a public-house,
+when who should emerge from its cheerful-looking recesses but GILES.
+"Hallo!" cried the young man, who seemed the picture of health, "are
+_you_ down?"
+
+"Yes--very," returned ST. JAMES. "I haven't a friend in the world, and
+no one will have anything to say to me."
+
+"What a shame!" cried the other. "Why, with me, I have had a rare old
+time! Everybody has been pleased to see me."
+
+"But hasn't your conviction injured you?"
+
+"Not particularly. I have lots of people who support me. Why, if we
+were _too_ particular with one another, we shouldn't have a pal in the
+world! Hope there's nothing wrong."
+
+"Why, don't you call this wrong? Here are you, as jolly as possible,
+and I--a miserable man!"
+
+"Can't be helped. We are in the same box."
+
+"Are we?" said the semi-genteel Convict. "Well, I should have scarcely
+believed it! Then, I suppose I must comfort myself with the thought
+that the same law applies to the rich as the poor."
+
+"Does it?" returned the commoner Convict. "Then all I can say is, that
+whatever the law may be, the punishment is never the same." And ST.
+JAMES, with a bitter sigh, wished he could change places with his more
+fortunate dock-mate.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CHEF'S NEW DISH FOR TRAVELLERS.--"_Insurance of Passengers'
+Luggage_."--Bravo, THOMAS COOK AND SON! Not "too many Cooks," but
+"just Cooks enough!" Hitherto the traveller had only to present
+himself ready "dressed" to be thoroughly Cook'd, and done throughout,
+to a turn. Now, in addition, his baggage can be book'd and Cook'd;
+and, should any "_Gravy delictum_" happen to it, the value of the lost
+portmanteau and boxes will be handed over to the aggrieved passenger.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PATHETIC DESCRIPTION OF THE PRESENT STATE OF MR. GEORGE
+ALEXANDER.--"He is running WILDE at the St. James's Theatre.--Yours,
+L.W.F."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CONFESSIONS OF A DUFFER.
+
+VI.--THE DUFFER AT WHIST.
+
+Whist, it seems to me, is an affair of eyes, memory, and calculative
+ratiocination. As to eyes, I have a private theory that mine are
+bewitched. It is not mere short sight. At school and college I have
+seen Greek words on the printed page, and translated them correctly,
+and come to grief, because these words, on inspection, were somehow
+not there. Explain this I cannot, but it is a fact. The same with
+Whist; I see spades where clubs are, and diamonds for hearts, and a
+cold world accuses me of revoking and of carelessness, but it is _not
+_ carelessness. It is something gone askew in phenomena. Thus, when
+I am a witness as to facts in a trial, perjury is the softest word
+for my testimony, so the Court thinks, because the Court is blessed
+with the usual relations between objective facts, and subjective
+impressions. I admit that I am less fortunate, but when I try to go
+into this, I am interrupted. However, this is why I revoke.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Then as to memory, I have none, for cards. It is extremely difficult,
+indeed impossible, to recall who played what, after the cards are once
+out of sight. I could tell you, like the man in the story, that such
+and such a statement is on the ninety sixth page of the fifth volume
+of GIBBON, the page on the left, half-way down; useless things of that
+sort I remember: cards, not. As to calculation and inferences, I give
+it up. I just first play out all my kings, then all my aces, I lead
+trumps, if I have a bunch of them, and then it is my partner's turn
+to make his little points. I return his lead when I happen to think
+of it, which is not often. That is all _I_ have to confess, but I
+have a friend, a brilliant player _I_ call him, and he permits me to
+contribute his experiences, as mine are short and simple. To my mind,
+Whist would not be a bad game, if the element of skill were excluded;
+but give me Roulette. If foreign ladies would not snatch up my
+winnings, I should be a master at Roulette, where genius is really
+served, for I play on inspiration merely. But let me turn to the
+confessions of my friend, my Mentor, I may call him, a man who is a
+Member of the Burlington itself, one who has had losses, go to! Hear
+him speak:--
+
+"I have always sympathised," he says, "with _Mr. Pickwick_, in regard
+to his experiences at Whist; that is to say, his experience on the
+second occasion narrated in his history. The first time, it will be
+remembered, all went well, when, owing to unfortunate lapses on the
+part of 'the criminal Miller,' who omitted to 'trump the diamond'
+and subsequently revoked, he and the fat gentleman were worsted in an
+encounter with _Mr. Wardle's_ mother and the immortal hero.
+
+"But at Bath there was a different tale to tell, the _Dowager Lady
+Snuphanuph_ and _Mrs. Colonel Wugsby_, proved too able for him and
+_Miss Bolo_, who when he played a wrong card, which, like me, he
+probably did every other time, looked a small armoury of daggers,
+and subsequently in a beautiful instance of the figure known to the
+grammarian as Hendiadys, went home in tears and a Sedan chair."
+
+Bearing in mind the advice attributed to TALLEYRAND, I have
+conscientiously endeavoured to become a Whist-player; but it is
+becoming increasingly obvious to me, that owing to the malison
+pronounced at my birth, my room is generally preferred to my company.
+And yet I have studied the subject according to my lights. Every
+instance of Whist in fiction which comes under my notice receives my
+undivided attention, and when I read Miss BROUGHTON, such a sentence
+as, "I suppose," she said, "that it's the right thing to play out all
+one's aces first? Her partner conscientiously endeavoured to veil the
+expression of extreme dissent which this proposition called forth,
+and with such success that the ace of hearts instantly and confidently
+followed his brother."
+
+When I read hints like these, I garner them up for my own future use.
+I have pored over every known text-book on the subject, from MATTHEWS
+and HOYLE to CAVENDISH. I once went so far as to learn the proper
+leads by rote, forgetting them all within a week; and owing to my
+inveterate habit of endeavouring to justify the most flagitious acts
+by a supposed reference to authority, have earned for myself the name
+of "Pole."
+
+There are some with whom I play, who contrive to make me feel more at
+my ease than do others, and even look upon me in virtue of my playing
+with "those men at the Club" as one having authority; for among
+the blind the one-eyed man is king. There is my Mother-in-law for
+instance, now I really enjoy a rubber with _her_. We sit down after
+dinner at a table scant of cloth, and either much too small or so
+inconveniently large that I cannot see the trump at the other end of
+it. She usually begins operations by misdealing, which is precisely
+what always happens to me with a new pack; nor do I yet understand
+how it is that the expert manages to deal at about sixty miles an hour
+without a mistake, whereas when my turn comes every other card seems
+to get stuck to its neighbour by a very superior kind of glue, so that
+they all come out in batches of twos and threes as it were, instead of
+one by one.
+
+But when the deal has come right, her next step is to sort her cards,
+which she does by placing all her trumps apart from the others between
+her third and fourth fingers; I can thus tell how many she has, and am
+further assisted by her generally dropping one or two in the process
+face upwards on the table. This would be punishable at the Club; but
+as she would consider it "mean" were any allusions made to it, nothing
+happens. Towards the end of the hand her attention is apt to wander,
+and owing to her abstraction play comes to a dead halt. When a hint
+is offered that we are waiting for her, with prompt and business-like
+alacrity but regardless of the rigorous formula, "Place your cards,
+please," she will say, "Who led a spade?" there being at the time a
+club, a heart, and a diamond on the table. Then, being the only one
+who has a card of the leader's suit left, she revokes but is not found
+out. When she leads out of turn, as happens on an average four or
+five times every rubber, if I am against her, I call a suit from her
+partner, upon which she says, flaring up, "Is _that_ the way you play
+at the Club? 'Cheats never thrive.'" Nor do we, for the simple reason,
+that she seldom holds less than three honours in each suit, and from
+five to six trumps besides!
+
+This, as I said, is the sort of Whist I rather enjoy; but when it
+comes to playing in sober earnest at the Club, there is a different
+tale to tell.
+
+(_This different tale will be told in the Duffer's next._)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"AIRY FAIRY LILLY UN!"--One day last week, MR. W.S. LILLY--i.e.
+W. "SHIBBOLETHS" LILLY--delivered an excellent lecture on the
+Papal-Italian question, and although at Birmingham, it was by no means
+a brummagem discourse. But to quote the immortal ballad of _Billy
+Taylor_, "When the Captain he come for to hear on't, He werry much
+applauded what she'd done," and, to apply the lines to the present
+instance, "When the POPE he comes for to hear on't," _will_ he "werry
+much applaud," the opinions honestly and courteously enough expressed
+in this lecture? By the way, "LEO and the Lilly" would make a fine
+subject for a historical cartoon. The learned Lecturer took care to
+observe, with all the true modesty of the humble flower from which
+his name is derived, that he spoke only the opinion of a party, which
+party, whether small, considerable, or large, his audience could judge
+for themselves with the unclothed optic, as the party in question was,
+not to put too fine a point on it, Himself.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DANCING MEN.
+
+"WHAT A CHARMING WALTZ THEY'RE PLAYING UPSTAIRS. (MORE CHAMPAGNE,
+WAITER. THANKS!)"
+
+"I'VE ONLY JUST COME--NOT BEEN UPSTAIRS YET. ONE HEARS THE MUSIC SO
+MUCH BETTER DOWN HERE. (COLD CUTLET, PLEASE, AND SALAD. THANKS!)"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"A LITTLE HOLIDAY!"
+
+    [It is proposed that 450,000 colliers belonging to the Miners'
+    Federation should cease work for a week or a fortnight. This,
+    it is said, is regarded as an "amicable" Strike, not against
+    the Masters, but to raise the price of coal by producing an
+    artificial scarcity, and thus avoiding a threatened reduction
+    of wages consequent upon over-production. This the Miners
+    call, "Going on Play."]
+
+_Out-of-Worker to Out-on-Player_:--
+
+  Who talks of "Solidarity of Labour,"--
+    A favourite shibboleth in these our days?--
+  To recognise one's duty to one's neighbour
+    Is that which all--in theory--will praise.
+  And Unions are upheld, and "Blacklegs" scouted--
+    Friends of Fraternity _their_ heads must break
+  To prove their loyal brotherhood undoubted!--
+    But _here_ there seems to be some slight mistake.
+
+  Going on Play, mate, you of the broad shoulders?
+    Take holiday awhile from pick and lamp?
+  Well your hard toil impresses all beholders,
+    Sweating amidst black seams and choking "damp."
+  A "holiday," for rest and recreation,
+    None would begrudge you. But at the expense
+  Of every other worker in the nation?
+    I don't quite see it! Maybe I am dense.
+
+  A "friendly" Strike, you call it; "amicable"!
+    Nice sounding words! Strikes mostly mean hot war.
+  But in to-day's wild Socialistic Babel
+    Blest if I always know just where we are.
+  But if I'm out of work, or out of fuel,
+    Me and a many thousand like me, mate,
+  Your "friendly" conflict seems a _leetle_ cruel
+    To us, with idle hands or empty grate.
+
+  I'd like to taste the sweets of "solidarity"
+    In this connection; so would my pale friend;
+  He's a poor Clerk. I fancy human charity,
+    _All round_, a lot of bitter strife would end;
+  And if _that_'s "solidarity," I'm for it;
+    But in your "play" _are_ you considering _us_?
+  No need for snivelling bunkum; I abhor it;
+    But does fraternity shape itself _thus_?
+
+  Must fight for your own hand? Oh, ah! precisely.
+    Only that's ISHMAEL, after all, right out.
+  Maybe that for yourself you're acting wisely,--
+    Though even that seems open to some doubt,--
+  But if your self-advancement means a smasher
+    To mill-hand, poor mechanic, labourer, clerk,
+  Without a fire to fry his slender "rasher,"
+    Fraternity's outlook still looks rather dark.
+
+  With Coal two bob a hundred, and still rising,
+    Poor folk who buy it by the fourteen pound,
+  (Dukes at St. James's Hall, this sounds surprising,
+    But if you'd understand it, just look round!)
+  Dockers and Brickies, charwomen and "childer,"
+    With such small deer, mate, as my friend and me,
+  Find one more "Social Question" to bewilder
+    The small brains left us by chill poverty.
+
+  Fighting _our_ battle? Humph! A rather roundabout
+    Way of so doing! P'r'aps your Masters, too,
+  Would claim the same--there _are_ such Bosses found about;
+    Westminsters, Liveseys, Norwoods, and that crew,
+  All for our good, not only Strike-Committees,
+    But Rate-payers' Defence Leagues, and the like!
+  Oh, the poor Propertied Classes! How one pities
+    Those victims of the School Board, Council, Strike!
+
+  If Miners and Mine-Owners pull together
+    To raise the price of Coal--well, it may suit
+  Both them and you. But, in this bitter weather,
+    Your "Solidarity" brings _us_ bitter fruit.
+  When our pinched fire dies down to its last ember,
+    The picture of you "making holiday" thus
+  Won't warm our wives and kids. Strike!--but remember
+    That what is "Play" to you means death to us!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A POSER FOR MR. WEATHERBY.--Mrs. RAM is not in the least astonished at
+its being said that certain horses turn out "regular flyers," because,
+she says, "she has often heard of mares' nests."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"MINER PREMISES."--In the Coal Districts.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "A LITTLE HOLIDAY!!"
+
+  WORKING-MAN AND }  "AH! IT'S ALL VERY WELL,--BUT WHAT'S _PLAY_
+  POOR CLERK.     }     TO _YOU_ IS _DEATH_ TO _US_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHAT DO THEY MEAN BY IT?
+
+In an interesting description (that appeared in the _Times_ for
+Saturday, February 27) of the working of the "Jacquard Card-Preparing
+Machine," which is, it appears, "a machine for superseding the human
+brain, eye, and hand"--(so that soon all who can afford it will be
+fitted up with these machines, and keep their brains, eyes, and hands
+in reserve for very special occasions)--it was stated that "the blank
+cards are automatically fed to the punches." That punches should be
+spelt without the capital P is of course a Printer's error, deserving
+capital punishment. _Mr. P._ thinks it right to state in answer to
+numerous inquiries, that all his _Punches_ speak by the card. But
+as to even the smallest of the _Punch_ family being "fed" on cards,
+or getting his or her living by cards, the statement is utterly at
+variance with the facts. _Mr. P._ is quite sure that the "Jacquard
+Automatic Reading and Punching Syndicate" will at once retract
+the injurious statement, or the youthful, vigorous and pugnacious
+_Punches_ will be inquiring of _Mr. P._, as _Sam Weller_ did of _Mr.
+Pickwick_ when that gentleman's great name was apparently taken in
+vain, "Ain't nobody to be whopped for takin' this here liberty?" that
+is, adapting the question to the present occasion, "Ain't nobody's
+head to be Punch'd for this mis-use of an ancient and honourable
+name?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NAIL-MAKERS' STRIKE.--They refuse to work unless higher wages are
+paid "down on the nail."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A "HUNTING FIXTURE."
+
+HUNG UP ON A STILE, AND HOUNDS RUNNING LIKE MAD.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CRIES WITHOUT WOOL.
+
+NO. II.--THE GROWL OF THE BEAR.
+
+(_BY A SINGER IN_ "_AIR_.")
+
+    ["In consequence of the rumour that,... American stocks
+    declined heavily.... The rumour proved totally without
+    foundation."--_Any Money-article; any day._]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  There is little that goads us with fiercer despair
+  (Those who buy, you perpend, stock, debenture or share,
+  Such as speculate mainly; investors are rare--)
+  Than this growl ill-conditioned of pestilent Bear!
+
+  With a craftiness planned and a malice unfair,
+  Improvising a scare unsubstantial as air--
+  Now it's "war," now "disease," and the world must prepare
+  For the death of, say, GOULD, or a Chilian flare;
+
+  Or the "cutting of rates:" I am quite unaware
+  What it means, I declare, but it's "cutting," I swear,
+  To a person like me, not a flush millionaire
+  Who must "realise" scrip,--and the canker of care.
+
+  It would seem, we could e'er so conveniently spare
+  From a world too competitive, blarneyed with blare,
+  Both the Yankee of Wall-Street, his London _confrere_,
+  And all criers of "Lost!" when no losses are there;
+
+  All the wreckers, whose lair is secure past compare,
+  All who batten on bones with a maw debonair,
+  And the carcase of Poverty torture and tear
+  With historical fraud, and benevolent glare.
+
+  Who will join me in sport that is novel--who'll dare
+  In his prosperous pit to go baiting the "Bear,"
+  Who will lead him a dance, who his talons will pare,
+  And make summary work of this ursine affair?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"MUST IT COME TO THIS?"
+
+    SCENE--_The War Office. Present Mr. STANHOPE; to him enter
+    Inspector-General PUNCH.
+
+_Mr. Stanhope_. Ah, Sir, glad to see you. Can I do anything for you?
+
+_Inspector-General_. Well, not for me--but you may and must do
+something for those I represent--the Volunteer Officers.
+
+_Mr. Stan._ Oh, you have come about them, have you? Well, you saw what
+I said about them in my Memorandum the other day?
+
+_In.-Gen._ I noticed what you did _not_ say--you hoped during the
+present year to see some practical proposals.
+
+_Mr. Stan._ Well, what do you want more?
+
+_In.-Gen._ The proposals themselves.
+
+_Mr. Stan._ They will come in good time.
+
+_In.-Gen._ No time in this matter will be good--except the present.
+
+_Mr. Stan._ Oh, you leave it to me, you will see it will be all right.
+
+_In.-Gen._ No--unless you attend to the matter at once--now--at this
+moment.
+
+_Mr. Stan._ How you do take me up! What a hurry you are in!
+
+_In.-Gen._ Shilly-shallying to the rear--action to the front. Now,
+then, produce your proposals.
+
+_Mr. Stan._ (_reluctantly producing a paper from a pigeon-hole_).
+Well, here they are--(_giving them_)--what do you think of them?
+
+_In.-Gen._ (_after a hurried perusal_). Humph! At any rate let them
+he published at once, that those interested may be able to come to
+an immediate decision as to their utility. Do you hear, Sir? Adieu!
+[_Exit._
+
+    (_And if the SECRETARY of STATE for WAR is a wise man, he
+    will act upon the hint thus offered him._)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: GRAND OLD ENERGY.
+
+[It is stated that Mr. GLADSTONE feels very much the want of exercise
+since his return to Parliamentary duties.]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DREAMS.
+
+    [Mr. JOHN MORLEY having said that he would be sorry for the
+    country whose young men ceased to dream dreams, Lord RANDOLPH
+    CHURCHILL twitted him with having described the Progressive
+    party as young men who dream dreams, and added, "They are
+    words which I will never let die."]
+
+  Dreams, my dear Lord? Well, there are dreams _and_ dreams,
+  Are those of BURNS much worse than those of WEMYSS?
+  Are WESTMINSTER's vain visions, though mature
+  The dreamer, less absurd or more obscure
+  Than those of some "young man" who dares to hope
+  That he with crowded London's ills can cope?
+  "Behold this dreamer cometh!" So of old
+  The sons of JACOB, envious, scornful, cold,
+  And fearful for their privilege of birth
+  And of possession, in derisive mirth,
+  Cried at young JOSEPH's coming. A "young man,"
+  O reverend oracle! Yet his wit outran,
+  His wisdom far outsoared, for all their boast,
+  The _nous_ collective of the elder host;
+  And PHARAOH, when his "wise men" vainly schemed,
+  Found statesmanship in a young man who dreamed.
+  You will not let them die? Well, as you list!
+  The words, Sir, with a Machiavellian twist,
+  Tickle the ears of those smart word-fence blinds,
+  And garbled catch-words win unwary minds,
+  And, maybe, witless votes. Poor London dreams
+  Of--many things most horrible to WEMYSS!
+  The nightmare-incubus of old abuse
+  Propertied privilege, expense profuse
+  Of many lives for one, the dead-hand's grip
+  On the slow generations, the sharp whip
+  Of a compulsory poverty, the gloom
+  Of that high-rated den, miscalled a Home!
+  All these it knows, and many miseries more,
+  And dreams of--Betterment! You'll "never let die.
+  JOHN MORLEY's words?" You cannot, though you try.
+  In vain 'gainst dreaming youth you feign to scream,
+  Because you're yet a Young Man--and you Dream!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: VERY LITERAL.
+
+_The Major_. "NO DOUBT YOU'RE VERY FOND OF ANTIQUES, MISS EUGENIA?"
+
+_Miss Eugenia_. "OH YES, INDEED!--AND I'M DEVOTED TO GRANDMAMMA!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+[Illustration: Lord Elcho.]
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, February 29._--Mr. G. looked in to-night
+from the Riviera; greeted with rousing cheer from Opposition; didn't
+expect to see him to-day; just arrived from Mediterranean _via_ Paris;
+most men in such circumstances would have gone straight home, read
+their letters, had quiet dinner, "and so to bed," as the late Mr.
+PEPYS occasionally remarked.
+
+"That's all very well for you elderly fellows, TOBY," said Mr.
+G., beaming with health and smiles. "ARMITSTEAD, for example, went
+straight off home. I was careful to see about that; he's a fine
+fellow, and I humoured him by letting him suppose he was looking after
+me as far as Biarritz, and on to Pau. In no other way could I have
+got him to make a holiday. Think I rather wore him out at St. Raphael.
+When a man gets over sixty he doesn't care about his ten or fifteen
+mile walk before luncheon. However, I brought ARMITSTEAD back all
+right, and, packing him off home at Charing Cross, just popped in here
+to see how you are getting on."
+
+In respect of business, not getting on at all. Things going awry.
+Ministerialists won't come up to scratch in Division Lobby; Majority
+that used to flash forth a hundred-candlelight strong, now flickered
+down to a score. Opposition growing jubilant and aggressive; Irish
+Members, long quiescent, waking up as of yore. To-night Prince ARTHUR,
+stung to quick by remarks from JOHN DILLON, made rattling speech
+defending his Irish policy; poured contumely and scorn on heads of
+Irish Members.
+
+"You," he said, with gesture of passionate scorn, "see no source of
+regeneration for Ireland but in refusal of tenants to pay their rent."
+
+Lord ELCHO and other young bloods on Ministerial Bench cheered; old
+stagers looked grave.
+
+"Ah, ah!" said CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN, looking on from the Front
+Opposition Bench, "I spy the beard of the Irish Secretary under the
+muffler of the Leader of the House."
+
+"Dear me," said ESSLEMONT, who overheard the remark; "I don't remember
+BALFOUR with a beard when he was at the Irish Office. You're not
+mixing him up with GRANDOLPH?"
+
+"Get thee to a nunnery, worthy draper," said CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN, "and
+in that leisurely retirement read your SHAKSPEARE."
+
+"A nunnery!" cried ESSLEMONT, more than ever bewildered; "why they
+wouldn't let me in. I suppose you mean a monastery; but man and boy
+for fifty years I've gone to Kirk, and nothing would--" By this time
+CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN was out of hearing.
+
+_Business done_.--One Vote in Committee of Supply.
+
+_Tuesday_.--The MARKISS not in his place in Lords to-night. Looked in
+at Arlington Street to inquire if absence was due to illness.
+
+"Not at all, TOBY," said the MARKISS who, indeed, looked quite fit.
+"There was nothing particular on the paper to-night, so I didn't go
+down. It's necessary for Nephew ARTHUR to be regular in his attendance
+on the Commons. But in the Lords it's different. A happy fortune
+places the Leader there in a position that relieves him from strain
+of unbroken attendance. With STRATHEDEN AND CAMPBELL looking after
+foreign policy, and DENMAN taking charge of home affairs, my post is
+really a sinecure. They talk about ending or mending of the House of
+Lords; but as long as we are blessed with this remarkable combination
+of legislative and administrative capacity we can laugh at the idle
+threats."
+
+It was DENMAN who took the floor to-night; moved Second Reading of
+a Bill, the simple and comprehensive object of which was to repeal
+Local Government Acts of England and Scotland. These passed only a
+Session or two ago by continuous united effort of both Houses of
+Parliament. DENMAN been closely watching them in operation. Finds
+them disappointing, and so would have them repealed. House fully
+constituted, with LORD CHANCELLOR on Woolsack, Mace on Table, and
+quorum present; gravely listens, whilst tall, white-haired, sad-faced
+man rambles on in plaintive voice, urging proposition which, if
+carried out, would arrest machinery of Local Government throughout
+the Kingdom, leaving all to be gone over again. No one smiles, much
+less winks or wags the head. It is just as solemn and as orderly as
+if it were the MARKISS himself submitting a Resolution or making
+a statement. Only, when the plaintive voice ceases and the tall
+figure is reseated on the Bench, nobody proposes to continue the
+conversation. LORD CHANCELLOR rapidly gabbles shibboleth in which
+"content" stumbles over "not content."
+
+"Notcontentshaveit," says LORD CHANCELLOR, by way of last word;
+leaves Woolsack; the few Peers slowly pass out. It seems the House has
+adjourned, DENMAN's Motion being negatived without Division, and Local
+Government in England and Scotland will proceed to-morrow as it has
+gone on to-day.
+
+_Business done_.--House of Commons, having agreed to meet at two
+o'clock to-morrow instead of twelve, makes up for it by getting itself
+Counted Out at eight o'clock.
+
+_Wednesday_.--Came across LOCKWOOD this afternoon in remote part
+of corridor, gesticulating whilst he recited some lines. Fancy he's
+getting up that lecture on the "Lawyers in _Pickwick_," announced for
+delivery in York on the 15th. Most interesting undertaking. As CHARLES
+RUSSELL says, "_Coke-upon-Lyttleton_ will have to take a back shelf in
+the Law libraries when _Lockwood-upon-Dickens_ is in circulation."
+
+Wonder how he finds time for these excursions into the bye-paths
+of literature? Hands full at the Bar; frequent attendant here; and
+yet he has time to discover _Pickwick_! He tells me great secret of
+capability for this kind of work is plain living and regular habits.
+
+"A chop or steak at eight o'clock with a potato (boiled in its jacket)
+and a tumbler of toast-and-water; that's my regular dinner; leaves me
+clear-headed and free for a couple of hours' work at my briefs before
+I go to bed. Except when kept down at House, rarely out of bed after
+eleven. Up at five; cold bath; dry toast; hot milk; another grind
+at my briefs; ride down to Court; at it all day, with intervals for
+Abernethy biscuit when Court adjourns; and so the mill goes round."
+
+"Don't you think," said BOB REID, "it's a little unprofessional of
+LOCKWOOD going into this _Pickwick_ business? The cases were never,
+that I know of, reported in the _Law Journal_. Good fellow LOCKWOOD,
+but a little apt to stray outside the ropes. Now he's started
+lecturing, there's no knowing how far he'll go. We may see him on the
+stage bowling BEERBOHM TREE out as _Hamlet_, or even with his face
+corked, dancing a breakdown at St. James's Hall. What does he want to
+go a-lecturing for? Do you think he'll draw?"
+
+"Draw!" I cried. "Why, he's always drawing; he's drawn for _Punch_."
+That shut up Master BOB. When you want to hear disparaging remarks
+about a man, nothing like going to his bosom friend. _Business
+done_.--Irish.
+
+[Illustration: "Monumental Suavity."]
+
+_Thursday_.--Mr. G. in fine form to-night; delivered two speeches,
+each in highest form of Parliamentary Debate. Infinite variety in
+manner. Before dinner, Prince ARTHUR moved to take Morning Sittings
+on Tuesdays and Fridays for rest of Session. That means virtual
+appropriation on very threshold of Session of time belonging to
+private Members. They furious; Mr. G. in benignest mood; shocked, he
+must confess, at Prince ARTHUR's unparalleled greed; but not disposed
+to turn a deaf ear to his importunity. "If you'd make it Easter, now,"
+he said, with winning voice and manner, "limit the scope of resolution
+to that date, I'm not sure that I should feel disposed to say you
+nay."
+
+Prince ARTHUR jumped at proposal. Sufficient unto Easter are the
+Morning Sittings thereof. If he wanted more he could ask again.
+Meanwhile he was in possession of what he wanted.
+
+House looked on in amazement at this little scene. Opposition expected
+Mr. G. would have thundered forth denunciations of Prince ARTHUR's
+audacity. Here he was making terms with the enemy; doing it all, too,
+with imposingly judicial manner that was irresistible. Before House
+quite knew where it was, everything was settled.
+
+"'Now I'm furnished, Now I'm furnished, for my flight'--of oratory."
+
+It was BLUNDELL MAPLE chanting this line, sung in another place
+by _Hecate_. Flight didn't amount to more than asking question as
+to whether audiences at unlicensed places of entertainment (in
+neighbourhood of Tottenham Court Road or elsewhere) open for Radical
+or Liberal entertainments, are duly protected from fire? Members went
+off to dinner, pondering on this conundrum. Came back to find Mr. G.
+on his legs again, denouncing proposition to vote L20,000 for survey
+of railway from Mombasa to Nyanza. A splendid piece of invective;
+almost literally shrivelled up poor JOKIM, at whom some of the
+scorching flame was pointed with outstretched forefinger. For more
+than half an hour, at period of night when most gentlemen of his
+years are snugly tucked up in bed, Mr. G. held the audience entranced,
+thunderous cheers rolling forth in rapid succession from Liberal
+ranks, now and then answered by low growl from Ministerialists.
+
+[Illustration: The Man who Owns a Mountain.]
+
+"What a man it is!" cried KENRICK, looking on with monumental suavity;
+"almost sorry he left us. Sometimes, at his best, he equals our JOE."
+_Business done_.--A couple of Votes in Supply.
+
+_Friday_.--BRYCE at last got access to mountains in Scotland.
+
+Been wandering round foot of them through many Sessions, and several
+Parliaments. Always something happened to prevent his reaching the
+top. Don't believe he'd have got there to-night, only for FARQUHARSON.
+
+When F. came forward to second Motion, incidentally observing, "I'm
+the proprietor of a mountain myself," we felt something must be done,
+and BRYCE's Motion was agreed to.
+
+FARQUHARSON, for rest of evening, object of respectful regard. Some
+inquiry as to where he kept his mountain. Did he bring it to Town
+with him when he came up for the Session? And, when at home, was he in
+habit of leaving it out all night?
+
+"Don't happen to have it about you, I suppose?" WILFRID LAWSON asked,
+eyeing his trousers' pockets.
+
+FARQUHARSON very reticent on subject. Rumour, just before House
+adjourned, that his mountain is one of those situated in the Moon--but
+this only envy.
+
+_Business done_.--Access secured to FARQUHARSON's mountain and others
+in Scotland.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+STRANGE CHARGE AGAINST A GREAT POET.--Lord TENNYSON's _Robin Hood_
+is to be produced at DALY's, New York, and simultaneously, to secure
+copyright, by one performance only, at the Lyceum. We never thought
+TENNYSON a plagiarist before this, but here is proof positive he's at
+it now,--Lord TENNYSON's _robbing Hood_!!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
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+
+
+
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+
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+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume
+102, March 12, 1892, by Various
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