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diff --git a/14165-0.txt b/14165-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..5be2c13 --- /dev/null +++ b/14165-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1312 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14165 *** + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 101. + + + +December 12, 1891. + + + + +LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS. + +NO. VIII.--TO LAZINESS. + +BEST (AND BEST-ABUSED) OF ABSTRACTIONS, + +My heart positively warms to you as I write. At this precise moment I +can think of a hundred different things that I ought to be doing. For +instance, I have not written to TOM, who is in the wilds of Canada, +for months. His last letter ended with a pathetic appeal for an +answer. + +"Never mind, old chap," he said, "about not having any news. Little +details that you may think too insignificant to relate are bound to +interest me in this deserted spot. I am sure you occasionally meet I +some of our friends of the old days. Tell them I often think of them +and all the fun we used to have together. It all seems like a dream to +me now. Let me know what any of them are doing. I heard six months ago +from a fellow who was touring out here that JACK BUMPUS was married. +If it is really our old JACK, congratulate him, and give him my love. +I don't know his present address. But, whatever you do, write. A +letter from you is like water in the desert." + +[Illustration] + +When I read that letter I became full of the noblest resolutions. Not +another day should pass, I vowed, before I answered it. So I prepared +a great many sheets of thin note-paper, carefully selected a clean nib +and sat down at my writing-table to begin. As I did so my eyes fell +upon _Martin Chuzzlewit_, which was lying within easy reach. The book +seemed positively to command me to read it for the tenth time. I took +it up, and in another moment _Mrs. Gamp_ had taken possession of +me. My writing-chair was uncomfortable. I transferred myself into an +arm-chair. Is it necessary to add that I did not write to TOM? His +letter is getting frayed and soiled from being constantly in my +pocket. Day after day it accompanies me on my daily round, unanswered +and seemingly unanswerable. For I feel it to be a duty to write, and +my mind abhors a duty. The letter weighs upon my conscience like lead. +A few strokes of the pen would remove the burden, but I simply cannot +screw myself up to the task. That is one of the things I ought to do. + +Again, ought I not to call on the WHITTLESEAS? Mr. and Mrs. WHITTLESEA +have simply overflowed with kindness towards me. I never enjoyed +anything more than the week I spent at their house in Kent a short +time ago. They are now in town, and, what is more, they know that I am +in town too. Of course I ought to call. It's my plain duty, and that +is, as far as I can tell, the only reason which absolutely prevents +me from calling upon that hospitable family. Why need I go through +the long list of my pressing duties? I ought to write my article on +"Modern Theosophy: A Psychological Parallel," for the next number of +_The Brain_. I ought to visit my dentist; I ought to have my hair +cut. But I shall do none of these things. On the other hand, it is +absolutely unnecessary that I should write to you. No evil would +befall me if I waited another year, or even omitted altogether to +write to you. And that is the precise reason why I am now addressing +you. As a matter of fact, I like you. As I have already said, the +performance of strict duties is irksome to me. It is you, my dear +LAZINESS, who forbid me to perform them, and thus save me from many an +uncongenial task. That is why I like you. + +And, after all, the common abuse of you is absurd. I have heard grave +and industrious persons declare emphatically that any one who allows +himself to fall under your sway debars himself utterly from every +chance of success. Fiddlesticks! I snap my fingers at such folly. +What do these gentlemen say to the case of FIGTREE, the great Q.C.? +Everybody knows that FIGTREE is, without exception, the most indolent +man in the world. Let any doubter walk down Middle Temple Lane and +ask the first young barrister he meets what he thinks of FIGTREE. I +am ready to wager my annual income that the reply will be, "What, Old +FIGTREE! Why, he's the laziest man at the Bar. I thought everybody +knew that." I may be told, of course, that FIGTREE appears in all the +big cases--that his management of them is extraordinarily successful; +that the Judges defer to him; that his speech in the Camberwell +poisoning case lasted a day and a half, and is acknowledged to be a +masterpiece of forensic eloquence, fit to rank with the best efforts +of ERSKINE; that his fees always exceed ten thousand pounds a year and +that his book on _Fines and Recoveries_ is a monument of industry. All +this I shall hear from some member of the outside public, who does not +know his FIGTREE. But the fact remains. FIGTREE is the most indolent +being alive. I doubt if he can be induced to read a brief before he +goes into Court. Many are the tales told by those who have been his +juniors of the marvellous skill and address with which FIGTREE has +time after time extricated himself from awkward situations into which +he had been led by his ignorance of the details of the case in which +he happened to be engaged. In the sensational libel case of _Bagwell_ +v. _Muter_, FIGTREE, as you must remember, appeared for the defendant. +When the plaintiff's Junior Counsel had opened the pleadings, FIGTREE +actually got up, and, had not his own Junior pulled him down, he would +then and there have opened the case for the plaintiff. Yet FIGTREE's +cross-examination of that same plaintiff, travelling as it did over +a long period of time, and dealing with a most complicated story, in +which dates were of the first importance, is still cited by those who +heard it as the most remarkable display of its kind which the English +Courts have afforded for years past. Whether the unfortunate BAGWELL, +whom it showed conclusively to be a swindler and an impostor, has an +equal admiration for it, I know not, nor is he, I fancy, likely to +tell us, even when he returns from the prison which is now the scene +of his labours. How FIGTREE, who at the outset did not even know on +which side he appeared, managed in the time at his command to master +this intricate case, must ever remain a mystery. HARRY ADDLESTONE, +his Junior, is accustomed to talk darkly of a marvellous chronological +analysis of the case which he had prepared for his leader, and +evidently wishes me to believe that he, rather than FIGTREE, is to be +credited with the success achieved. But the Solicitors have not yet +withdrawn their confidence from FIGTREE to transfer it to ADDLESTONE. + +Here, then, is an instance of a perfectly indolent man rising higher +and higher every year on the ladder of professional advancement. I +can only attribute it, my dear LAZINESS, to your beneficent influence, +which preserves the great barrister from the weary labours to which +his rivals daily submit. They say of him that he knows nothing of +law. If I grant that, it merely proves that a knowledge of law is not +required for success in the profession of the law. The deduction is +dangerous, but obvious, and I recommend it warmly to all who are about +to be called to the Bar. + +I don't think I have anything more to say to you to-day; indeed, I +know that you would be the last to desire that the writing of this +letter should he in any way irksome to me. Besides, it is five o'clock +P.M. My arm-chair invites me. I feel tired, and, that being so, I +am convinced it would he an act of pedantic folly to deny myself the +sweet refreshment of half-an-hour's sleep. Farewell, kindly one. I +shall always rejoice to honour you, and celebrate your praise. + +Yours, with all goodwill, DIOGENES ROBINSON. + +P.S.--I reopen this letter to say that I have just read in an evening +paper a terrible account of the total destruction by a tornado of +the town in Canada which was poor TOM's place of exile. "The loss +of life," it is added, "has been great, and several Englishmen are +amongst the victims." No names are given. Good gracious! If TOM has +indeed perished, how am I ever to forgive myself for neglecting him? +What must he have thought of me? I curse myself in vain for my--bah! +What is the use of telling you this? The same paper informs me, in the +elegant language appropriate to these occasions, that "Mr. FIGTREE, +Q.C., has been offered, and has accepted, the vacant Lord-Justiceship +of Appeal." + + * * * * * + + +AN OPPORTUNITY.--A Lyme Regis Correspondent sends us the following +advertisement, found, he says, in the _Bridport News_; we omit dates +and names:-- + + ---- will SELL by AUCTION, Three Fine DAIRY COWS to calve + _respectfully_ in Dec., April, and May next. An excellent + double-feeding chaff-cutter, &c. + +A respectful cow will no doubt fulfil her engagements honorably. "A +double-feeding chaff-cutter" ought to be an acquisition to a fast set +on a coach at the Derby, though of course his "double-feeding" powers +would have to be amply provided for at luncheon time. + + * * * * * + +"The nearest thing to 'setting the Thames on fire,'" said a quiet +traveller by the Underground, "is the announcement which you will now +see at the St. James's Park Station:--'A LIGHT HERE FOR NIAGARA.'" +"Why," exclaimed an irate passenger to the timid suggestion of +the above, "of course it doesn't mean _that_." Then he added, +contemptuously, "Get out!" Which he did. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: RUSTICUS EXPECTANS. (NEW POLITICAL VERSION OF AN OLD +FABLE.)] + + * * * * * + +RUSTICUS EXPECTANS; + +_OR, THE NEW DUMBLEDUMDEARY._ + + "Rusticus expectat, dum defluat amnis; at ille + Labitur, et labetur in omne volubilis ævum." + +HORACE. + +AIR--"_DUMBLEDUMDEARY_." + + In the fall of the year, when M.P.'s were about, + And speeches burst forth like a waterspout, + HODGE took up his bundle, and caught up his staff, + And went for a walk--if you please, don't laugh!-- + Singing dumbledumdeary, dumbledumdeary, + Dumble, dumble, dumbledumdee! + + Oh, HODGE had put on his bettermost smock, + And wore his billycock gaily a-cock; + For HODGE nowadays is a person of note, + And great Governments bow to the "hind,"--with a vote. + Singing dumbledumdeary, &c. + + So he strolled on wi'out dread or fear + Of Squoire or Parson, or County Peer, + For the spouting M.P. and the Liberal Van + Had made of the shock-headed joskin a Man! + Singing dumbledumdeary, &c. + + With promises stuffed, and with hope inspired, + HODGE walked, and walked till he felt quite tired; + So he sat himself down on the bank of a stream, + And, falling asleep, dreamed a wonderful dream. + Singing dumbledumdeary, &c. + + The old, old stream was no longer the brook + Where he'd angled for minnows with worm and hook; + It swelled and swirled, and its rippling voice + Was changed to loud echoes of platform noise. + Singing dumbledumdeary, &c. + + And it seemed to address him, "How long, friend HODGE, + In a smock you will slave, in a pig-stye lodge? + The Town revolts, but the landlord crew + Still rule the rustics. What can you do?" + Singing dumbledumdeary, &c. + + "Oh, I can reap, and I can sow; + And I can plough, and I can mow; + And, as Lord RIPON doth treuly say, + _I can yarn my eighteen-pence a day_!" + Singing dumbledumdeary, &c. + + "Oh, that," cried the Voices, "will never do! + HODGE now must have freedom, and comfort too, + And Village Councils, Allotments, and Larks! + Though the Landlords take fright for their Manors and Parks," + Singing dumbledumdeary, &c. + + "No more must he live like a pig in a stye, + Or _we_ (Tory _Codlir_, Rad _Short_) will know why. + And if you'll consent just to vote for _us_ now, + We'll put a new tune to your old 'Speed the Plough!'" + Singing dumbledumdeary, &c. + + Then HODGE, slightly puzzled, beheld (in his dream) + A legion of faces that flowed with the stream. + "There's two WILLIAMS, and JOEY, and JESSE!" he cried, + "SOLLY, BALFY, and JOKIM talk, too, from the tide,--" + Singing dumbledumdeary, &c. + + "They're making a vast sight o' noise, and I fear, + Whilst they all shout together, their _meaning's_ scarce clear. + They all drift one way, though, out yonder I'll sit! + And wait till the shindying slackens a bit." + Singing dumbledumdeary, &c. + + So HODGE, like old HORACE's Rustic, still waits + Till the waters flow by, or their turmoil abates; + And then hopes to reach "Happy Home" o'er that stream. + Let _us_ hope that he mayn't find it _only_ a dream! + Singing dumbledumdeary, dumbledumdeary, + Dumble, dumble, dumbledumdee! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE TRIALS OF AN ANXIOUS "JUNIOR." + +PROMPTING A DEAF AND TESTY "CHIEF" IN OPEN COURT IS NOT HIS IDEA OF +PERFECT BLISS.] + + * * * * * + +"DICK" POWER. + +When the House of Commons meets in February, it will find many vacant +places. Save, perhaps, on that sacred to the memory of OLD MORALITY, +none will draw towards it such sorrowful glances as the bench below +the Gangway, where, last Session, DICK POWER's smiling face was +found. Everyone in the House knew "DICK," and all liked him--a +modest-mannered, merry-hearted man, whom a strange destiny had not +only dragged into political life, but, as Whip of the Parnellite +Party, had made him the official representative of a body for the most +part socially unknown, and disliked with a fervour happily not often +imported into Parliamentary warfare. DICK POWER, whilst never swerving +by a hair's breadth from loyalty to his colleagues and his leader, +so bore himself that he was welcome in any Parliamentary circle, from +"GOSSET's Room" to the floor of the House, which he sometimes "took" +to deliver a witty speech in support of a Motion for adjourning +over the Derby. He was only in his fortieth year, married scarce a +fortnight, when comes the blind Fury with the abhorrëd shears and +slits the thin-spun thread. "LYCIDAS is dead!"; but he will long be +remembered as shedding through seventeen years a genial light on +Irish politics, too often obscured by aggressive vulgarity, and the +sacrifice of patriotic interests to the ends of personal vanity. + + * * * * * + +ONLY FANCY! + +We are in a position to state that overtures were recently made to a +well-known and popular member of the aristocracy in connection with a +certain high office lately vacated. It is felt that a gentleman with +the varied experience and capacity indicated by the circumstance (to +which we may allude as not involving breach of confidence), that +his name was successively mentioned in connection with the offices, +recently vacant, of Postmaster-General, Undersecretary of State for +Foreign Affairs, and Leader of the House of Commons, is peculiarly +well qualified for the post. + + * * * * * + +The PRIME MINISTER has, we learn, been much gratified by the receipt +of a letter volunteered by one of his colleagues, expressing generous +satisfaction at his selection of Mr. ARTHUR BALFOUR to the Leadership +of the House of Commons. It was the more pleasing as the name of +Lord SALISBURY's correspondent had, in Conservative circles, been +prominently mentioned in connection with the office. "It is true," +the Abounding Baron wrote, "that the public with unerring instinct has +looked in another direction. I should therefore like to be the first +to say that your Lordship has done well in recognising the services +to the Unionist cause performed by Mr. BALFOUR. Of course there may be +other openings, and in case your Lordship has occasion to communicate +with me, it may be convenient to mention that, having come to town +this morning and transacted business at my office in Bouverie Street, +I am about to return to my country residence at Stow-in-the-Wold." + + * * * * * + +It is announced that Lord SALISBURY's new house at Beaulieu is to +be let furnished for the winter months, the PREMIER not intending +to return till the Spring. We understand that one of Mr. GLADSTONE's +friends and admirers is in treaty for the residence, intending +to place it for a few weeks at the disposal of the Leader of the +Opposition. We have not yet heard how far this happily-conceived +scheme has progressed. + + * * * * * + +THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS. + +NO. XVIII. + + SCENE--_The roof of Milan Cathedral; the innumerable statues + and fretted pinnacles show in dazzling relief against the + intense blue sky. Through the open-work of the parapet is seen + the vast Piazza, with its yellow toy tram-cars, and the small + crawling figures which cast inordinately long shadows. All + around is a maze of pale brown roofs, and beyond, the green + plain blending on the horizon with dove-coloured clouds in + a quivering violet haze. CULCHARD is sitting by a small + doorway at the foot of a flight of steps leading to the + Spire._ + +[Illustration: "She passes on with her chin in the air!"] + +_Culchard_ (_meditating_). I think MAUD must have seen from the tone +in which I said I preferred to remain below, that I object to that +cousin of hers perpetually coming about with us as he does. She's far +too indulgent to him--a posing, affected prig, always talking about +the wonderful things he's _going_ to write! He had the impudence to +tell me I didn't know the most elementary laws of the sonnet this +morning! Withering repartee seems to have no effect whatever on him, +I wish I had some of PODBURY's faculty for flippant chaff! I wonder +if he and the PRENDERGASTS really are at Milan. I certainly thought I +recognised ----. If they are, it's very bad taste of them, after the +pointed way in which they left Bellagio. I only hope we shan't-- + + [_Here the figure of Miss PRENDERGAST suddenly emerges from + the door; CULCHARD rises and stands aside to let her pass; + she returns his salutation distantly, and passes on with her + chin in the air; her brother follows, with a side-jerk of + recognition. PODBURY comes last, and halts undecidedly._ + +_Podb._ (_with a rather awkward laugh_). Here we are again, eh? +(_Looks after_ Miss P., _hesitates, and finally sits down by_ +CULCHARD.) Where's the fascinating Miss TROTTER? How do you come to be +off duty like this? + +_Culch._ (_stiffly_). The fascinating Miss TROTTER is up above with +VAN BOODELER, so my services are not required. + +_Podb._ Up above? And HYPATIA just gone up with BOB! Whew, there'll be +ructions presently! Well out of it, you and I! So it's BOODELER's turn +now? That's rough on _you_--after HYPATIA had whistled poor old BOB +off. As much out in the cold as ever, eh? + +_Culch._ I am nothing of the kind. I find him distasteful to me, +and avoid him as much as I can, that's all. I wish, PODBURY, er--I +_almost_ wish you could have stayed with me, instead of allowing the +PRENDERGASTS to carry you off as you did. You would have kept VAN +BOODELER in order. + +_Podb._ Much obliged, old chap; but I'm otherwise engaged. Being kept +in order myself. Oh, I _like_ it, you know. She's developing my mind +like winking. Spent the whole morning at the Brera, mugging up these +old Italian Johnnies. They really are clinkers, you know. RAPHAEL, +eh?--and GIOTTO, and MANTEGNA, and all that lot. As HYPATIA says, for +intensity of--er religious feeling, and--and subtlety of symbolism, +and--and so on, they simply take the cake--romp in, and the rest +nowhere! I'm getting quite the connoisseur, I can tell you! + +_Culch._ Evidently. I suppose there's no chance of a--a +_reconciliation_ up there? [_With some alarm._ + +_Podb._ Don't you be afraid. When HYPATIA once gets her quills up, +they don't subside so easily! Hallo! isn't this old TROTTER? + + [_That gentleman appears in the doorway._ + +_Mr. T._ Why, Mr. PODBURY, so you've come along here? That's _right_! +And how do you like Milan? I like the place first-rate--it's a +live city, Sir. And I like this old cathedral, too; it's well +constructed--they've laid out money on it. I call it real ornamental, +all these little figgers they've stuck around--and not two of 'em a +pair either. Now, they might have had 'em all alike, and no one any +the wiser up so high as this; but it certainly gives it more variety, +too, having them different. Well, I'm going up as high as ever I _can_ +go. You two better come along up with me. + +_ON THE TOP._ + +_Miss P._ (_as she perceives Miss T. and her companion_). Now, BOB, +pray remember all I've told you! [_BOB turns away, petulantly._ + +_Miss T._ (_aside, to VAN B._). I guess the air's got cooler up +here, CHARLEY. But if that girl imagines she's going to freeze _me_! +(_Advancing to Miss P._) Why, my dear, it's almost too sweet for +anything, meeting you again! + +_Miss P._ You're extremely kind, MAUD; I wish I could return the +compliment; but really, after what took place at Bellagio, I-- + +_Miss T._ (_taking her arm_). Well, I'll own up to being pretty +horrid--and so were you; but there don't seem any sense in our meeting +up here like a couple of strange cats on tiles. I won't fly out +anymore, there! I'm just dying for a reconciliation; and so is Mr. +VAN BOODELER. The trouble I've had to console that man! He never met +anybody before haff so interested in the great Amurrcan Novel. And +he's wearying for another talk. So you'd better give that hatchet a +handsome funeral, and come along and take pity on him. + + [_HYP., after a struggle, yields, half-reluctantly, and allows + herself to be taken across to Mr. VAN B., who greets her + effusively. Miss T. leaves them together._ + +_Bob P._ (_who has been prudently keeping in the background till now, +decides that his chance has come_). How do you do. Miss TROTTER? It's +awfully jolly to meet you again like this! + +_Miss. T._ Well, I guess that remark would have been more convincing +if you'd made it a few minutes earlier. + +_Bob_. I--I--you see, I didn't know.... I was afraid--I rather +thought-- + +_Miss T._ You don't get much further with _rather_ thinking, as a +general rule, than if you didn't think at all. But if you're at all +anxious to run away the way you did at Bellagio, you needn't be afraid +_I'll_ hinder you. + +_Bob_. (_earnestly_). Run away! _Do_ you think I'd have gone if--I've +felt dull enough ever since, without _that_.' + +_Miss T._ Oh, I expect you've had a beautiful time. _We_ have. + +_Miss P._ (_coming up_). ROBERT, I thought you wanted to see the Alps? +You should come over to the other side, and-- + +_Miss T._ I'll undertake that he sees the Alps, darling, +presently--when we're through our talk. + +_Miss P._ As you please, dear. But (_pointedly_) did I not see Mr. +CULCHARD below? + +_Miss T._ You don't mean to say you're wearied of Mr. VAN BOODELER +_already_! Well, Mr. CULCHARD will be along soon, and I'll loan him +to you. I'll tell him you're vurry anxious to converse with him some +more. He's just coming along now, with Mr. PODBURY and Poppa. + +_Miss P._ (_under her breath_). MAUD! if you _dare_--! + +_Miss T._ Don't you _dare_ me, then--or you'll see. But I don't want +to be mean unless I'm obliged to. + + [_Mr. TROTTER, followed by CULCHARD and PODBURY, arrives + at the upper platform. CULCHARD and PODBURY efface + themselves as much as possible. Mr. TROTTER greets Miss + PRENDERGAST heartily._ + +_Mr. T._ Well now, I call this sociable, meeting all together again +like this. I don't see why in the land we didn't _keep_ together. I've +been saying so to my darter here, ever since Bellagio--ain't that so, +MAUD? And _she_ didn't know just how it came about either. + +_Miss P._ (_hurriedly_). We--we had to be getting on. And I am afraid +we must say good-bye now, Mr. TROTTER. I want BOB and Mr. PODBURY +to see the Da Vinci fresco, you know, before the light goes. (Bob +_mutters a highly disrespectful wish concerning that work of Art._) We +_may_ see you again, before we leave for Verona. + +_Mr. T._ Verona? Well, I don't care if I see Verona myself. Seems a +pity to separate now we _have_ met, _don't_ it? See here, now, we'll +_all_ go along to Verona together--how's that, MAUD? Start whenever +_you_ feel like it, Miss PRENDERGAST. How does that proposal strike +you? I'll be real hurt if you cann't take to my idea. + +_Miss T._ The fact is, Poppa, HYPATIA isn't just sure that Mr. +PRENDERGAST wouldn't object. + +_Bob P._ I--object? Not _much_! Just what I should _like_, seeing +Verona with--all _together_, you know! + +_Miss T._ Then I guess _that's_ fixed. (_Aside, to Miss P., who is +speechless_). Come, you haven't the heart to go and disappoint my poor +Cousin CHARLEY by saying you won't go! He'll be perfectly enchanted +to be under vow--unless you've filled up _all_ the vacancies already! +(_Aloud, to VAN B., as he approaches_.) We've persuaded Miss +PRENDERGAST to join our party. I hope you feel equal to entertaining +her? + +_Van B._ I shall be proud to be permitted to try. (_To Miss P._) Then +I may take it that you agree with me that the function of the future +American fictionist will be-- [_They move away, conversing._ + +_Podb._ (_To CULCH._) I say, old fellow, we're to be travelling +companions again, after all. And a jolly good thing, too, _I_ +think!... eh? + +_Culch._ Oh, h'm--quite so. That is--but no doubt it will be an +advantage--(_with a glance at Van B., who is absorbed in Miss P.'s +conversation_)--in--er--_some_ respects. (_To himself._) Hardly from +poor dear PODBURY's point of view, I'm afraid, though! However, if +_he_ sees nothing--! [_He shrugs his shoulders, pityingly._ + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +Pocket-books for next year are coming in. Which for choice? "_Solvitur +ambulando_" should be the resolution of the difficulty, given by +one firm at least, that firm being "WALKER." They are handy, and +conveniently pocketable, but to "The chiels amang ye taking notes," +plain leaves, and no fruit, and no dates, we should say, would be +preferable. They're reasonable prices, and you can't expect to get 'em +for nothing; if you do--"WALKER!" + +[Illustration] + +The Baron highly approves of Messrs. DE LA RUE's pocket-books. It is +pleasant to have something in one's pocket, even if only a book. As +to account-books and diaries--well enter nothing therein but what has +been pleasant and profitable, and most diarians who adopt this rule +will not find their memoranda overcrowded at the end of the year. +"Letts be happy, while we can, and good luck to you, Ladies all, in +1892. Leap year!" quoth the Baron. "Over you go like the villagers in +the German story, after the sheep, into the sea of matrimony, where +may you all get on swimmingly." _À propos_, Mesdames BLYTHE and GAY +say that the Christmas Number of _Woman_, produced by a number of +women, is as full of attractive power as the Magnetic Lady herself. + +"ARROWSMITH's Shilling Sensational, by 'a New Author,'" quoth the +Baron, "would, methought, serve _pour me distraire_." The "New Author" +uses the remarkably new device of a mole on the lost child's breast. +Isn't that original? _Miss Box_ and _Miss Cox_ are lost, and found. +"Have you a mole on your left breast?" "Yes!" "Then it is both of +you!" Charming! So useful is the explanation that "Hanwell is a little +village, a few miles from London." Perhaps it is the locality, there +or thereabouts, where this thrillingly interesting tale--which could +have been told in fifty pages, and needn't have been told at all--was +written. Well, well, "All's Hanwell that ends Hanwell," and "I've +galloped through a worse story before now," quoth the Baron, yawning, +and so to bed. + +[Illustration: Turning over the pages.] + +In _John Leech, His Life and Work_ (BENTLEY) Mr. FRITH quotes from an +anonymous but obviously not an original authority, the dictum, "It is +the happiness of such a life (as LEECH's) that there is so little to +be told of it." Mr. BENTLEY has produced two handsome volumes worthy +the reputation of his ancient and honourable house. They enshrine +admirable reproductions of some of LEECH's best work, selected by +the trained hand and sympathetic eye of Mr. FRITH. These are and will +remain the chief attractions of a work to which the Baron, in common +with the civilised world, has been looking forward to with interest, +and of whose realisation he regrets to hear so disappointing an +account from his trusty "Co." It is difficult to find dates in this +higgledy-piggledy chance-medley of facts and opinions. But we all know +that LEECH died in October, 1864. It was in _Mr. Punch's_ pages that +he found the true field for his heaven-born genius For twenty years at +least he was one of the most prominent, best known, and best liked men +in England. Surely within that period there must lie to the hand of +the dilligent seeker material for a memoir worthy to be linked with +the name of JOHN LEECH. Mr. FRITH has not given us such a book, +and criticism is only partly disarmed by the comical reiteration of +confession that he has failed in his appointed task. For what he has +to say in the way of making known to the world the man JOHN LEECH, a +very thin volume would have sufficed, even had he included the more +useful of his remarks on LEECH's work and his method. But there being +two volumes to fill, Mr. FRITH genially summarises _The Physiology of +Evening Parties_, by Mr. ALBERT SMITH; _Mr. Sponge's Sporting Tour_, +and other not very high-class literature, whose only claim to being +remembered is that LEECH illustrated them. Of _The Marchioness of +Brinvilliers_, ALBERT SMITH's attempt to rival the attractions of the +_Newgate Calendar_, Mr. FRITH positively gives two whole chapters! He +allots one to the _Bon Gaultier Ballads_, and nineteen mortal pages +to telling the _Story of Miss Kilmansegg_, with copious extracts from +that easily accessible work. + +This is not Memoir-writing, it is book-making. The reader can skip +these chapters, and, diligently searching, will find here and there a +ray of light thrown on this beautiful placid life, weighed down as it +was from earliest manhood by family circumstances at which Mr. FRITH +delicately hints. "Give, give!" was, truly, the cry of the daughters +of the horseleach. There are, however, several other anecdotes +contributed by personal friends of LEECH's, who have come to Mr. +FRITH's assistance, and succeed in the main in making the book an +interesting one, as giving the outside world some glimpses of a sweet +and manly character. The volumes are crowded with illustrations. +These are LEECH's own work, and make the volumes worth more than their +published price. + +THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & CO. + + * * * * * + +TO EVANGELINE. + + Oh, come and be my Queen, + And share my lot + In some artistic cot + At Turnham Green, + EVANGELINE! + + The painted tambourine + Shall grace its wall, + And many a table small + And folding screen + Shall on its floor be seen, + EVANGELINE! + + Your beauty's dazzling sheen + Upsets me quite-- + Of late my appetite + Has wretched been, + EVANGELINE! + + I shun the soup tureen + And pine for you; + At pudding, joint, and stew + My face turns green-- + What do the symptoms mean, + EVANGELINE? + + If Fate should come between + My Love and me, + This countenance will be + No more serene, + EVANGELINE! + + With nitro-glycerine + I'll speed my flight, + Or else I will ignite + Some Magazine-- + Some _Powder_ Magazine, + EVANGELINE! + + * * * * * + +AN AUNT AT WILL. + + [A lawsuit has been occasioned in India through white ants + devouring a will.] + +It is usually supposed that Australia is topsey-turvey mad, but in +India it seems that matters also go by contraries, when compared with +their mode of procedure at home. A lawsuit has been occasioned in +Calcutta through white ants devouring a will. In England our Aunts +(who are generally whites) make wills (bless them!) and _we_ devour +them, or at least live on the proceeds. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DEAR CHILD! + +_Papa_ (_to Friend from Town_). "THERE, MY BOY, THAT'S WHAT YOU OUGHT +TO DO! GET A GEE, AND COME OUT WITH THE HOUNDS!" + +_Little Daughter_. "OH, PAPA, TAKE CARE YOU DON'T FALL OFF, AS YOU DID +THE OTHER DAY!"] + + * * * * * + +KATHLEEN AND PETRUCHIO; + +OR, SHAKSPEARE BALFOURISED. + + _Kathleen_. HIBERNIA. _Petruchio_. Mr. BALFOUR. + _Grumio_.... Mr. JACKSON. + _Haberdasher_.. Mr. GLADSTONE. + + _Petruchio_. Thus have I politicly begun my reign, + And 'tis my hope to end successfully; + My falcon now is sharp, and passing empty; + And, till she stoop, she must not be full-gorg'd, + For then she never looks upon her lure. + Another way I have to man my haggard, + To make her come, and know her keeper's call; + That is, to watch her, as we watch these kites + That bate, and beat, and will not be obedient. + She plays no tricks to-day, nor none shall play; + Last Session she ruled not, nor shall next Session; + Resolute government is the only way + To smooth these stormy spirits. + + All the same, + _After_ the hurly-burly, I intend + All shall be done in reverend care of her; + And, in conclusion, she shall have her rights, + If she will cease to rise, and rail, and brawl, + And with her clangour keep the world awake. + This is the way to kill her wrath with kindness, + And thus I'll curb her mad and headstrong humour.-- + He that knows better how to tame a shrew, + Let him speak out! 'Tis time the kingdom knew! + + * * * * * + + _Kathleen_. The more my wrong the more his smile appears! + How doth he madden me--and master me!-- + I--I, who never knew how to submit, + Nor never fancied that I should submit,-- + Am starved for strife, stupid for lack of struggle, + With Law kept bridled, and with Order saddled: + And that, which spites me more than all these stints, + He does it under name of perfect love; + As who should say, if I should have my will, + 'Twere deadly sickness or else present death. + + * * * * * + + _Petruchio_. KATHLEEN, thou mend'st apace! + And now, my love, + Will we return unto thy father's house, + And ruffle it as bravely as the best, + With silken coats, and caps, and golden rings, + With ruffs, and cuffs, and farthingales, and things; + With orange tissue trimmed with true-blue bravery, + Eschewing wearing of the green,--that's knavery. + See GRUMIO there! He waits thy loving leisure + To deck thy body with his boxed-up treasure. + A cap of mine own choice, come fresh from town; + It will become thee better than a crown. + 'Tis my ideal. (_Enter_ Haberdasher.) Well--what would _you_, sirrah? + + _Haberdasher_. Here is the hat the lady did bespeak! + + _Petruchio_. Why, this was moulded on a foreign block, + A Phrygian cap. Fie, fie! 'tis crude and flaunting. + Why, 'tis a coal-vase or a bushel-basket, + A fraud, a toy, a trick, a verdant fool'scap: + Away with it! Come, let me have a smaller! + + _Kathleen_. I'll have no smaller: this doth fit the time, + And gentlewomen wear such hats as these. + + _Petruchio_. When you are gentle, you shall have one too, + But of another pattern. + + _Grumio_ (_aside_). Mine, to wit. + + _Kathleen_. Why, Sir, I trust I may have leave to speak: + And speak I will. I am no child, no babe: + Your betters have endured me say my mind, + And, if you cannot, best you stop your ears. + My tongue will tell the craving of my heart, + Or else my heart, concealing it, will break; + And rather than it shall, I will be free + E'en to the uttermost,--at least in words! + + _Petruchio_. Why, so thou art. But 'tis a paltry hat + This Haberdasher would fob off on thee. + I love thee well, but _he_, he loves thee not. + + _Kathleen_. Love me or love me not, I like the hat, + And it I will have, or I will have none. + + _Grumio_ (_aside_). Then is she like to go bareheaded long! + + [_Left arguing. Sequel--some day._ + + * * * * * + +OUR OLD FRIEND ONCE MORE.--Mrs. RAM has lately taken to theatre-going. +She says, however, that she doesn't much care about going on first +nights of new pieces, as the Stalls are full of Crickets. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: KATHLEEN AND PETRUCHIO. + +KATHLEEN. "I'LL HAVE NO SMALLER; THIS DOTH FIT THE TIME. AND +GENTLEWOMEN WEAR SUCH HATS AS THESE." + +PETRUCHIO. "WHEN YOU ARE GENTLE, YOU SHALL HAVE ONE TOO, BUT--OF +ANOTHER FASHION."--_Shakspeare Balfourised_.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: The G.O.M. Illuminated by a Ray of Sunlight (Soap).] + + * * * * * + +PAUL PRY IN THE PURPLE. + +(_EXTRACTS FROM LETTERS FOUND IN A GERMAN POST-BAG._) + +_TO A BISHOP._ + +It has occurred to me that your sermons are not quite as good as +they should be. You do not seem to grasp your subject with sufficient +strength. I have not time to come to listen to you, as I have other +pressing engagements, and consequently write from hearsay. Still, I +believe I have good reason for my strictures. However, that you may +have an excellent example upon which to model your discourses in the +future, I will myself visit your cathedral at a near date, and occupy +your pulpit. I will wire ten minutes before I arrive with my sermon. + +_TO A GENERAL._ + +I congratulate you upon the success of the recent manoeuvres. Nothing +could have been finer than the manner in which the entire Army saluted +me on my approach. Perhaps the bands might have played the National +Anthem half-an-hour longer or so, but for all that, the effect was +excellent. And now I have got a really splendid idea. And you must +help me. I want to order all the troops to another part of the country +without telling their officers, and then, when they least expect it, +you and I will order a general assembly. It will be such a joke to see +the commanders when they appear on parade without any soldiers! They +will be so surprised! And sha'n't we laugh! But mind, not a word to +anyone until we have had our fun. As an old soldier who has deserved +well of his Fatherland, I rely on your discretion. + +_TO A THEATRICAL MANAGER._ + +[Illustration] + +I was at the performances in your play-house the other evening, +and, as I told you at the time, was not at all satisfied with the +representation. I informed you that when I had time I would jot down +my complaints, and I am now keeping my promise. I don't like the +costume of the Tragedy Queen--her heels are too high and why does she +wear gloves? The Low Comedian does not make the most of his part. +He has to walk about with a band-box. Now why does he not seize the +opportunity to place it on a chair and sit upon it? This would have a +very comical effect. I have seen it done, and it made me laugh. +Please let him sit upon the band-box for the future. If he sits down +accidentally the effect will be heightened. It will be very funny. +By the way, let all the box-keepers give programmes free of charge to +officers and ladies under forty. I shall soon be at the theatre again +to attend a rehearsal. I will wire ten minutes before I come, so that +you may have proper time to call your company together. Till then, you +incompetent sausage, you can enjoy your Lager and pipe in peace! + +_TO A DOCTOR._ + +I have been reading some of the Medical Journals, and I am not quite +sure whether I think your manner of cutting off a leg is the proper +way. It may be, but, on the other hand, it may not. Before you cut off +another leg communicate with me, and I will fix a date (as early as +I can--probably within six months), when I can see your patient, and +give you my opinion. By the way, do not go your rounds until you hear +from me, as I may want to see you at any time. + +_TO A COACH-BUILDER._ + +You don't know how to make a carriage. The other day I thought of +a capital idea, but, for the moment, cannot remember it. However, I +fancy it had something to do with square wheels. At any rate you had +better not make any more carriages until I call. I will come as soon +as I can--probably before Spring twelvemonths. + +_TO A RELATIVE._ + +Had not time to answer your letter before. I do not in the least agree +with you. I hate people who do not mind their own business. Why not +attend to your own, and leave mine alone? If you do not take care, _I +will arrange to visit you in State!_ So you had better mind what you +are about! + + * * * * * + +PROGRAMME OF THE CYCLOPÆDIC CIRCUS. + +(_UNDER THE IMMEDIATE PATRONAGE OF LORD SALISBURY._) + +The Members of the School Board of Little Peddlington have the honour +to announce that, in deference to the expressed opinion of the + +PREMIER OF THE UNITED KINGDOM, + +that it would be wise to substitute Circuses for school-rooms in the +provinces, have arranged for the holding of + +A GRAND SCHOLASTIC GALA, + +on a scale of unprecedented magnificence. The Members have engaged, at +considerable expense, that admirable Artist, + +THE COURIER OF BOTH THE GLOBES, + +who will, during a rapid ride on a retired cab-horse, exhibit and +explain a series of gigantic maps of + +EUROPE, ASIA, AFRICA, AND AMERICA. + +This Star Artist will be followed by that talented _troupe_ of +relatives who for many years have drawn enormous crowds to their +performances under the assumed but appropriate name of + +THE BOUNDING BROTHERS OF THE SPELLING-BEES. + +They will go through their marvellous feats in tossing barrels +(bearing on their sides painted letters), and thus combining amusement +with instruction. Their last act will be to keep in simultaneous +motion a sufficient number of labelled milk-cans to spell the +sentence, "Farewell to all kind friends in front." This marvellous +double quartette will be followed by + +THE ARITHMETICAL BICYCLIST, + +[Illustration] + +who will ride his favourite two-wheeled vehicle while he sings a +song introducing in a pleasing manner the Multiplication Table. This +sweet-toned vocalist will be succeeded by + +_THE STAR-LOVING PIG ATTENDED BY COMICAL HERSCHEL._ + +In which the former will spell out (with the assistance of card-board +letters) a number of interesting astronomical facts at the instigation +of his mirth-provoking master and proprietor. This talented performer +will be followed by + +THE UNIVERSAL KNOWLEDGE QUADRILLE. + +In which the entire _troupe_ will appear on horseback, and go through +the programme of studies (proficiency in which is required by the +Tenth Standard) without a single mistake. + +The performances will then be brought to an appropriate and jubilant +conclusion by + +_A SILVER COLLECTION IN AID OF THE RATES!_ + + + * * * * * + +QUEER QUERIES.--OUR DEFENCES.--I am informed that Mr. STANHOPE is +expected shortly to go abroad, "in order to recruit." Can even the +blindest military optimist any longer deny that the British Army is +a nefarious imposture, when the Minister for War is forced into an +ignominious attempt to raise a body of foreign mercenaries by his own +personal efforts? + +HALF-PAY PATRIOT. + +SCIENTIFIC.--Could you kindly tell me what "the Great Ice Age" means? +My Pater took me to hear some fellow lecture about it the other day, +but I couldn't understand much of what he said. I thought he was going +to talk about strawberry ices and lemon ices, which I like awfully, +but he didn't even mention them! Don't you think _twelve_ is the great +Ice Age--I mean the age when boys ought to be allowed to eat as many +as they like? N.B.--I am just twelve. + +TOMMY. + + * * * * * + +WORTH SEEING.--"We understand that to the Exhibition of "Instruments +of Torture," and now on view in London, have been lately added +the Medici Collar, a Piano Organ, and a "Shakspeare for the use of +Schools." + + * * * * * + +MEM. BY "THE OFFICIAL RECEIVER."--"Firm as a Rock" will not be +henceforth a proverb of universal application. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ELECTION FEVER. A VICTIM'S VICISSITUDES.] + + * * * * * + +TRAN-SLATED. + +(_BEING A NEWLY-DISCOVERED FRAGMENT OF AN OLD GREEK PLAY, SUPPOSED TO +BE A VERY EARLY_ "_AGAMEMNON_.") + + * * * * * + + _Cly._ The coals I bought as Wallsend are not so. + + _Ag._ Thus groundless hopes vanish--like coals in smoke. + + _Cly._ You speak in words Mysterious, lacking sense. + + _Ag._ The sense is patent to the reasoning mind. + + _Cly._ And yet I paid for them upon the nail. + + _Ag._ What matter, if the price was far too low? + + _Cly._ Then call you eighteen shillings low for coal? + + _Ag._ Yes, for "Prime Wallsend"--what could you expect? + + _Cly._ Listen! In passing 'long the public way + I saw a notice telling of these coals. + It called them "ever-burning": said no skill + Could put them out when once they were alight, + Because they were "the best the world produced." + I purchased some. Ai! ai! They turned out slates. + My household maidens by Prometheus swear + _They_ never saw such stuff for lighting fires. + What of it is not slag, that part is slate, + And slated should they be that sold it me. + Moreover, when with anger I remarked + To those who bore the sacks upon their backs, + Within our cellars to deposit them, + That they had better bear their loads away + Seeing I ordered coals, not lumps of slate, + They answered that, if they refused to burn, + They might be useful for a Rockery! + So now _they_ have the shillings, _I_ the coals. + + _Ag._ And having them, we have no household fires. + + _Cly._ What then to do? _You_ sit with idle hands. + + _Ag._ I cannot turn to Wallsend bits of slag. + + _Cly._ But you can seek the Archon, and denounce + The man whose cunning robs our hearth of flame. + + _Ag._ (_going out_). In what you say not nothing I perceive. + Women, in hunting cheapness, capture costs. + + CHORUS. STROPHE. + + The puny race of men + Soars, in imagination, to the skies; + While tackling Science and Theosophy + Their hands the coal-scoop grasp! + + CHORUS. ANTISTROPHE. + + From high Olympus Zeus + Smiles at the perjuries of coal-heavers. + Not always is the cheapest article + The one that turns out best. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD WISH TO HAVE EXPRESSED DIFFERENTLY. + +"WELL, GOOD-BYE, MISS SMITH. TELL THE OTHERS I WAS VERY SORRY NOT TO +FIND ANYONE AT HOME--A--A--A--EXCEPT YOU--A!"] + + * * * * * + +A BOARD-SCHOOL CHRISTMAS. + +(_AN ANTICIPATION OF THE NOT VERY DISTANT FUTURE._) + +[Illustration] + +It was a very unseasonable Yule-tide. Instead of the old-fashioned +mild weather that had been the constant companion of Christmas for +many years, the ground was covered with snow and the river blocked +with ice. However, thanks to modern improvements, the artisans had not +been impeded in executing their four hours of labour as provided by a +recent statute. They had been sitting at their Club (supported by the +State), reading the newspapers purchased out of the rates, and were +only annoyed that no food and drink was supplied them free gratis and +for nothing. + +"It would never do," said an old workman, who remembered the +eight-hour day that used to prevail at the end of the Nineteenth +Century. "You see were we to have beer at will, the brewers' draymen +might complain. It was once attempted, but the Licensed Victuallers +made such a disturbance that the idea was abandoned." + +"There is something in what you say," observed a second workman; +"but, for the life of me, I don't see why the Nation shouldn't provide +bread." + +"No, there you are out!" cried a third. "I am a baker, and anything +that interferes with my industry won't do." + +And so they talked, discussing this and that, until all the subjects +of the leaders in the daily papers had been exhausted. It was then +that one of the workmen suggested a walk and a pipe on the Embankment. + +So they lounged down the main thoroughfare of London, with its +pleasant _cafés_ and well-appointed _restaurants_, and came to +the conclusion (for the fiftieth time) that it was far better than +anything of the same kind in Paris, or any other of the capitals of +Europe. They had all been abroad during their State-assisted vacation, +and consequently had the chief towns of the world, so to speak, at +their finger-tips. As they sauntered along, they came to a group +of half-starved, perambulating performers, who were giving an +entertainment to a crowd of bystanders. It was not a good programme. +First a young woman in rags, played on an old piano, with decent +precision, some extremely difficult variations of CHOPIN's _Funeral +March_. She was followed by a man who painted a portrait of a leading +statesman indifferently well. Then another man jumped into the river, +and made his way in the cold water with the ease of a fifth-rate +professional swimmer. Then a second young woman recited something +or other in German, with an atrocious English accent. And the whole +concluded with a lecture upon chemistry (given by a seedy-looking +old man), which was illustrated with some ambitious, but feeble +experiments. + +On the balance the performance was a bore, and the public were rather +pleased than otherwise, when a police constable ordered the _troupe_ +"to move on." The poor people gathered together their _impedimenta_ +and prepared to obey the officer's behest. It was then that the +performers came face to face with the artisans. There was a cry of +recognition. + +"Why, would you believe it!" exclaimed one of the workmen, "if it +isn't SALLY JONES, and TOMMY BROWN, and NORAH JENKINS, and HARRY +SMITH!" + +The well-fed and the starving cordially greeted one another. Then +there were mutual explanations, and the old man who had lectured upon +chemistry had his say:-- + +"You want to know why we are all starving, and why we are so much +worse off than you, although we were educated at the same Board +School? I will tell you. It was because you very wisely made up your +minds to follow the occupations of your fathers. You became builders, +bakers, coal-heavers and paviors. + +"Ah, we did that," sighed out the elderly workman, "because we were +too backward to attempt anything better. We were not clever people +like you! We couldn't play the piano, and paint and swim, and go +in for chemistry. We were not clever enough, and had to put up with +passing a very low standard." + +"Thank your lucky stars it was so," exclaimed the chemist, with +tears in his eyes, "for your fate is happier than ours. We are all +fifth-rate, and can do nothing else. We have no chance against those +who have been born to this kind of thing, and we have forgotten how to +do your work. So we are starving, and--" + +But here the old man was interrupted by a policeman, who ordered +all of them to move on. And on they moved. Half one way and half the +other. + + * * * * * + +OUR OWN FINANCIAL COLUMN. + +"CROESUS" has vanished! We can scarcely find it in our heart to +add anything to this distressing statement; but for the sake of our +readers whom he may have induced to patronise his financial schemes, +we give a few slight details of the disaster. + +[Illustration: Portrait of "Croesus."] + +Four days ago enormous piles of letters began to arrive at our office. +They were addressed to "CROESUS," and had been sent on to us from +his last address marked "gone away; try office of _Punch_." We opened +them. They were all threatening letters. + +"Why," wrote one angry gentleman, "have I heard nothing from you since +I sent you my cheque for £10,000? Unless I receive a reply within a +week, legal proceedings will be taken." The rest were similar in +tone. Thereupon we resolved to call at the last address given to us by +"CROESUS." It was somewhere in the Mile End Road. We arrived, entered, +ascended the stairs, and found in a dingy back bed-room, three used +half-penny stamps, a false nose, a pair of whiskers, and a large sheet +of paper on which were written only these words: "Sold Again"--which +obviously referred to some financial scheme or other. On inquiring of +the landlady, we heard that her lodger had departed two days before, +taking with him two large and heavy wooden chests. He had promised +to return. We then consulted the police. They are very reticent, but +consider they have got a clue. + +And here we owe it to our readers to make a confession. We have never +set eyes on "CROESUS." We engaged him entirely on the strength of +the most glowing recommendations from a whole bevy of Bank-Managers, +including the Managers of the Bank of Lavajelli, of the Pei-ho +Provinces, of Samarcand, of Ashanti and of Dodge County, U.S.A. All +these gentlemen wrote in the most complimentary terms of "CROESUS." +"He is a man," wrote the Manager of the Dodge County Bank, "whom I +have had the honour to know intimately for a considerable number of +years. Indeed, we were educated together, and not a day has passed +since then without our meeting. I beg to state that I consider him +thoroughly fitted for the responsible position of financial director +of a high-class Metropolitan paper. His personal appearance is +aristocratic and prepossessing, his manners have about them a +distinction which impresses all who meet him, and his dress, though +modest, is always pleasing. His complete command of twenty-four +languages must be of the highest advantage to him in unravelling the +tangled skein of international finance." Acting upon such testimonials +we engaged "CROESUS." We have now reason to believe that we have +been made the victims of a gross and cruel deception. An expert in +handwriting, whom we have consulted, gives it as his opinion, that +every single one of these recommendations is in the handwriting of +"CROESUS" himself, and the police, after protracted inquiries, have +assured us that the Banks, whose supposed managers addressed us in +favour of "CROESUS," never had any actual existence at all. + +All we can do now is to assist justice by publishing herewith +the photograph of "CROESUS." We apologise to all whom he may have +deceived, but we do not hold ourselves responsible for any damage he +has caused. We shall publish no more financial contributions in the +meantime. + +ED. + + * * * * * + +ENGLISH AS SHE IS SUNG. + +[Illustration] + +MR. PUNCH, SIR,--If I start a butcher's business, and give my shop the +special title of The _Welsh_ Meat Shop, is the great British Public +so narrow-minded as to expect me to sell them only Welsh meat, the +produce of Welsh farms only? If so, the Public, with all due respect, +is a hass. For if I who have to live,--though perhaps others may not +see the necessity for my existence,--by my trade, find that the Welsh +meat, which the Public had expected to be ready and waiting, is not +forthcoming, only one of two things can I do; the one is to shut +up shop (which I won't), and the other is to provide my intending +customers with French, Indian, English, Irish, Scotch, American, +Australian, New Zealandian, Cape Colonial, in fact with any meat I can +get from anywhere, and as long as it is toothsome, and I can afford +to sell it at an average price, why should it not be sold at my Royal +Welsh Meat Shop? + +When I call my shop The Royal Welsh Meat Shop, do I thereby bar myself +from dealing in English or foreign meats? Do I bar myself from dealing +in Indian pickles or China oranges? No, certainly not; nor do I bar +myself from selling neckties, gloves, ginger-beer, and Brazil nuts. +So, when a House of Musical Entertainment is styled The English Opera +House, it must be understood, "all to the contrary nevertheless +and notwithstanding," to mean an English House where Opera may be +performed, and not a Theatre where only English Opera is Housed. "My +soul can not be fettered," as the poet says,--what poet, I don't know +and don't care, but he said it, whoever he was, and _he was right_. If +there is no English Opera for my House, then I get a French Opera, or +a Dutch one, just as at an oyster-shop--but perhaps this is not quite +the illustration I should like, as, at an oyster-shop, they _do_ ask +you which you will have, "Natives," or "Seconds," or "Anglo-Dutch"; +and, when you can't afford Natives, you put up with an inferior +quality at a lesser price. But if that oyster-seller called his shop +"The Native-Oyster Shop," should I have any ground of action against +him for selling any other oysters except Natives? No. But then he +would ask me "If I wanted Natives or not?" And if I said "Yes," he +would give me Natives. Now I admit I do not ask the Public at the +doors Which will you have? because I may not be able to have an +English Opera always on tap, so to speak. Metaphors a bit confused, +but you know what I mean. If I had a few English Operas on tap I might +turn 'em on, say, on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays: English Opera by +English Composers on those days, and on the other days, any Operas +by any Composers. But if the Public _won't_ come on the English Opera +nights, and _will_ come on the other nights? What then? Why obviously +I must keep my Natives (if I have any) in a barrel, and deal only +with the foreign supply. "Blame not the Bard"--I mean blame not the +patriotic man of business, but let our cry be "Art for Art's sake," +and the English Opera for ever! that is, as long as Art and English +Opera pay. + +Yours, + +A MANAGER FIRST AND ANYTHING YOU LIKE AFTERWARDS. + + * * * * * + +LATEST FROM SHOTSHIRE.--The only appropriate beverage for a Sportsman +out shooting,--why "Pop" to be sure. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +101, December 12, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14165 *** |