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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/14165-0.txt b/14165-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..5be2c13 --- /dev/null +++ b/14165-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1312 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14165 *** + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 101. + + + +December 12, 1891. + + + + +LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS. + +NO. VIII.--TO LAZINESS. + +BEST (AND BEST-ABUSED) OF ABSTRACTIONS, + +My heart positively warms to you as I write. At this precise moment I +can think of a hundred different things that I ought to be doing. For +instance, I have not written to TOM, who is in the wilds of Canada, +for months. His last letter ended with a pathetic appeal for an +answer. + +"Never mind, old chap," he said, "about not having any news. Little +details that you may think too insignificant to relate are bound to +interest me in this deserted spot. I am sure you occasionally meet I +some of our friends of the old days. Tell them I often think of them +and all the fun we used to have together. It all seems like a dream to +me now. Let me know what any of them are doing. I heard six months ago +from a fellow who was touring out here that JACK BUMPUS was married. +If it is really our old JACK, congratulate him, and give him my love. +I don't know his present address. But, whatever you do, write. A +letter from you is like water in the desert." + +[Illustration] + +When I read that letter I became full of the noblest resolutions. Not +another day should pass, I vowed, before I answered it. So I prepared +a great many sheets of thin note-paper, carefully selected a clean nib +and sat down at my writing-table to begin. As I did so my eyes fell +upon _Martin Chuzzlewit_, which was lying within easy reach. The book +seemed positively to command me to read it for the tenth time. I took +it up, and in another moment _Mrs. Gamp_ had taken possession of +me. My writing-chair was uncomfortable. I transferred myself into an +arm-chair. Is it necessary to add that I did not write to TOM? His +letter is getting frayed and soiled from being constantly in my +pocket. Day after day it accompanies me on my daily round, unanswered +and seemingly unanswerable. For I feel it to be a duty to write, and +my mind abhors a duty. The letter weighs upon my conscience like lead. +A few strokes of the pen would remove the burden, but I simply cannot +screw myself up to the task. That is one of the things I ought to do. + +Again, ought I not to call on the WHITTLESEAS? Mr. and Mrs. WHITTLESEA +have simply overflowed with kindness towards me. I never enjoyed +anything more than the week I spent at their house in Kent a short +time ago. They are now in town, and, what is more, they know that I am +in town too. Of course I ought to call. It's my plain duty, and that +is, as far as I can tell, the only reason which absolutely prevents +me from calling upon that hospitable family. Why need I go through +the long list of my pressing duties? I ought to write my article on +"Modern Theosophy: A Psychological Parallel," for the next number of +_The Brain_. I ought to visit my dentist; I ought to have my hair +cut. But I shall do none of these things. On the other hand, it is +absolutely unnecessary that I should write to you. No evil would +befall me if I waited another year, or even omitted altogether to +write to you. And that is the precise reason why I am now addressing +you. As a matter of fact, I like you. As I have already said, the +performance of strict duties is irksome to me. It is you, my dear +LAZINESS, who forbid me to perform them, and thus save me from many an +uncongenial task. That is why I like you. + +And, after all, the common abuse of you is absurd. I have heard grave +and industrious persons declare emphatically that any one who allows +himself to fall under your sway debars himself utterly from every +chance of success. Fiddlesticks! I snap my fingers at such folly. +What do these gentlemen say to the case of FIGTREE, the great Q.C.? +Everybody knows that FIGTREE is, without exception, the most indolent +man in the world. Let any doubter walk down Middle Temple Lane and +ask the first young barrister he meets what he thinks of FIGTREE. I +am ready to wager my annual income that the reply will be, "What, Old +FIGTREE! Why, he's the laziest man at the Bar. I thought everybody +knew that." I may be told, of course, that FIGTREE appears in all the +big cases--that his management of them is extraordinarily successful; +that the Judges defer to him; that his speech in the Camberwell +poisoning case lasted a day and a half, and is acknowledged to be a +masterpiece of forensic eloquence, fit to rank with the best efforts +of ERSKINE; that his fees always exceed ten thousand pounds a year and +that his book on _Fines and Recoveries_ is a monument of industry. All +this I shall hear from some member of the outside public, who does not +know his FIGTREE. But the fact remains. FIGTREE is the most indolent +being alive. I doubt if he can be induced to read a brief before he +goes into Court. Many are the tales told by those who have been his +juniors of the marvellous skill and address with which FIGTREE has +time after time extricated himself from awkward situations into which +he had been led by his ignorance of the details of the case in which +he happened to be engaged. In the sensational libel case of _Bagwell_ +v. _Muter_, FIGTREE, as you must remember, appeared for the defendant. +When the plaintiff's Junior Counsel had opened the pleadings, FIGTREE +actually got up, and, had not his own Junior pulled him down, he would +then and there have opened the case for the plaintiff. Yet FIGTREE's +cross-examination of that same plaintiff, travelling as it did over +a long period of time, and dealing with a most complicated story, in +which dates were of the first importance, is still cited by those who +heard it as the most remarkable display of its kind which the English +Courts have afforded for years past. Whether the unfortunate BAGWELL, +whom it showed conclusively to be a swindler and an impostor, has an +equal admiration for it, I know not, nor is he, I fancy, likely to +tell us, even when he returns from the prison which is now the scene +of his labours. How FIGTREE, who at the outset did not even know on +which side he appeared, managed in the time at his command to master +this intricate case, must ever remain a mystery. HARRY ADDLESTONE, +his Junior, is accustomed to talk darkly of a marvellous chronological +analysis of the case which he had prepared for his leader, and +evidently wishes me to believe that he, rather than FIGTREE, is to be +credited with the success achieved. But the Solicitors have not yet +withdrawn their confidence from FIGTREE to transfer it to ADDLESTONE. + +Here, then, is an instance of a perfectly indolent man rising higher +and higher every year on the ladder of professional advancement. I +can only attribute it, my dear LAZINESS, to your beneficent influence, +which preserves the great barrister from the weary labours to which +his rivals daily submit. They say of him that he knows nothing of +law. If I grant that, it merely proves that a knowledge of law is not +required for success in the profession of the law. The deduction is +dangerous, but obvious, and I recommend it warmly to all who are about +to be called to the Bar. + +I don't think I have anything more to say to you to-day; indeed, I +know that you would be the last to desire that the writing of this +letter should he in any way irksome to me. Besides, it is five o'clock +P.M. My arm-chair invites me. I feel tired, and, that being so, I +am convinced it would he an act of pedantic folly to deny myself the +sweet refreshment of half-an-hour's sleep. Farewell, kindly one. I +shall always rejoice to honour you, and celebrate your praise. + +Yours, with all goodwill, DIOGENES ROBINSON. + +P.S.--I reopen this letter to say that I have just read in an evening +paper a terrible account of the total destruction by a tornado of +the town in Canada which was poor TOM's place of exile. "The loss +of life," it is added, "has been great, and several Englishmen are +amongst the victims." No names are given. Good gracious! If TOM has +indeed perished, how am I ever to forgive myself for neglecting him? +What must he have thought of me? I curse myself in vain for my--bah! +What is the use of telling you this? The same paper informs me, in the +elegant language appropriate to these occasions, that "Mr. FIGTREE, +Q.C., has been offered, and has accepted, the vacant Lord-Justiceship +of Appeal." + + * * * * * + + +AN OPPORTUNITY.--A Lyme Regis Correspondent sends us the following +advertisement, found, he says, in the _Bridport News_; we omit dates +and names:-- + + ---- will SELL by AUCTION, Three Fine DAIRY COWS to calve + _respectfully_ in Dec., April, and May next. An excellent + double-feeding chaff-cutter, &c. + +A respectful cow will no doubt fulfil her engagements honorably. "A +double-feeding chaff-cutter" ought to be an acquisition to a fast set +on a coach at the Derby, though of course his "double-feeding" powers +would have to be amply provided for at luncheon time. + + * * * * * + +"The nearest thing to 'setting the Thames on fire,'" said a quiet +traveller by the Underground, "is the announcement which you will now +see at the St. James's Park Station:--'A LIGHT HERE FOR NIAGARA.'" +"Why," exclaimed an irate passenger to the timid suggestion of +the above, "of course it doesn't mean _that_." Then he added, +contemptuously, "Get out!" Which he did. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: RUSTICUS EXPECTANS. (NEW POLITICAL VERSION OF AN OLD +FABLE.)] + + * * * * * + +RUSTICUS EXPECTANS; + +_OR, THE NEW DUMBLEDUMDEARY._ + + "Rusticus expectat, dum defluat amnis; at ille + Labitur, et labetur in omne volubilis ævum." + +HORACE. + +AIR--"_DUMBLEDUMDEARY_." + + In the fall of the year, when M.P.'s were about, + And speeches burst forth like a waterspout, + HODGE took up his bundle, and caught up his staff, + And went for a walk--if you please, don't laugh!-- + Singing dumbledumdeary, dumbledumdeary, + Dumble, dumble, dumbledumdee! + + Oh, HODGE had put on his bettermost smock, + And wore his billycock gaily a-cock; + For HODGE nowadays is a person of note, + And great Governments bow to the "hind,"--with a vote. + Singing dumbledumdeary, &c. + + So he strolled on wi'out dread or fear + Of Squoire or Parson, or County Peer, + For the spouting M.P. and the Liberal Van + Had made of the shock-headed joskin a Man! + Singing dumbledumdeary, &c. + + With promises stuffed, and with hope inspired, + HODGE walked, and walked till he felt quite tired; + So he sat himself down on the bank of a stream, + And, falling asleep, dreamed a wonderful dream. + Singing dumbledumdeary, &c. + + The old, old stream was no longer the brook + Where he'd angled for minnows with worm and hook; + It swelled and swirled, and its rippling voice + Was changed to loud echoes of platform noise. + Singing dumbledumdeary, &c. + + And it seemed to address him, "How long, friend HODGE, + In a smock you will slave, in a pig-stye lodge? + The Town revolts, but the landlord crew + Still rule the rustics. What can you do?" + Singing dumbledumdeary, &c. + + "Oh, I can reap, and I can sow; + And I can plough, and I can mow; + And, as Lord RIPON doth treuly say, + _I can yarn my eighteen-pence a day_!" + Singing dumbledumdeary, &c. + + "Oh, that," cried the Voices, "will never do! + HODGE now must have freedom, and comfort too, + And Village Councils, Allotments, and Larks! + Though the Landlords take fright for their Manors and Parks," + Singing dumbledumdeary, &c. + + "No more must he live like a pig in a stye, + Or _we_ (Tory _Codlir_, Rad _Short_) will know why. + And if you'll consent just to vote for _us_ now, + We'll put a new tune to your old 'Speed the Plough!'" + Singing dumbledumdeary, &c. + + Then HODGE, slightly puzzled, beheld (in his dream) + A legion of faces that flowed with the stream. + "There's two WILLIAMS, and JOEY, and JESSE!" he cried, + "SOLLY, BALFY, and JOKIM talk, too, from the tide,--" + Singing dumbledumdeary, &c. + + "They're making a vast sight o' noise, and I fear, + Whilst they all shout together, their _meaning's_ scarce clear. + They all drift one way, though, out yonder I'll sit! + And wait till the shindying slackens a bit." + Singing dumbledumdeary, &c. + + So HODGE, like old HORACE's Rustic, still waits + Till the waters flow by, or their turmoil abates; + And then hopes to reach "Happy Home" o'er that stream. + Let _us_ hope that he mayn't find it _only_ a dream! + Singing dumbledumdeary, dumbledumdeary, + Dumble, dumble, dumbledumdee! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE TRIALS OF AN ANXIOUS "JUNIOR." + +PROMPTING A DEAF AND TESTY "CHIEF" IN OPEN COURT IS NOT HIS IDEA OF +PERFECT BLISS.] + + * * * * * + +"DICK" POWER. + +When the House of Commons meets in February, it will find many vacant +places. Save, perhaps, on that sacred to the memory of OLD MORALITY, +none will draw towards it such sorrowful glances as the bench below +the Gangway, where, last Session, DICK POWER's smiling face was +found. Everyone in the House knew "DICK," and all liked him--a +modest-mannered, merry-hearted man, whom a strange destiny had not +only dragged into political life, but, as Whip of the Parnellite +Party, had made him the official representative of a body for the most +part socially unknown, and disliked with a fervour happily not often +imported into Parliamentary warfare. DICK POWER, whilst never swerving +by a hair's breadth from loyalty to his colleagues and his leader, +so bore himself that he was welcome in any Parliamentary circle, from +"GOSSET's Room" to the floor of the House, which he sometimes "took" +to deliver a witty speech in support of a Motion for adjourning +over the Derby. He was only in his fortieth year, married scarce a +fortnight, when comes the blind Fury with the abhorrëd shears and +slits the thin-spun thread. "LYCIDAS is dead!"; but he will long be +remembered as shedding through seventeen years a genial light on +Irish politics, too often obscured by aggressive vulgarity, and the +sacrifice of patriotic interests to the ends of personal vanity. + + * * * * * + +ONLY FANCY! + +We are in a position to state that overtures were recently made to a +well-known and popular member of the aristocracy in connection with a +certain high office lately vacated. It is felt that a gentleman with +the varied experience and capacity indicated by the circumstance (to +which we may allude as not involving breach of confidence), that +his name was successively mentioned in connection with the offices, +recently vacant, of Postmaster-General, Undersecretary of State for +Foreign Affairs, and Leader of the House of Commons, is peculiarly +well qualified for the post. + + * * * * * + +The PRIME MINISTER has, we learn, been much gratified by the receipt +of a letter volunteered by one of his colleagues, expressing generous +satisfaction at his selection of Mr. ARTHUR BALFOUR to the Leadership +of the House of Commons. It was the more pleasing as the name of +Lord SALISBURY's correspondent had, in Conservative circles, been +prominently mentioned in connection with the office. "It is true," +the Abounding Baron wrote, "that the public with unerring instinct has +looked in another direction. I should therefore like to be the first +to say that your Lordship has done well in recognising the services +to the Unionist cause performed by Mr. BALFOUR. Of course there may be +other openings, and in case your Lordship has occasion to communicate +with me, it may be convenient to mention that, having come to town +this morning and transacted business at my office in Bouverie Street, +I am about to return to my country residence at Stow-in-the-Wold." + + * * * * * + +It is announced that Lord SALISBURY's new house at Beaulieu is to +be let furnished for the winter months, the PREMIER not intending +to return till the Spring. We understand that one of Mr. GLADSTONE's +friends and admirers is in treaty for the residence, intending +to place it for a few weeks at the disposal of the Leader of the +Opposition. We have not yet heard how far this happily-conceived +scheme has progressed. + + * * * * * + +THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS. + +NO. XVIII. + + SCENE--_The roof of Milan Cathedral; the innumerable statues + and fretted pinnacles show in dazzling relief against the + intense blue sky. Through the open-work of the parapet is seen + the vast Piazza, with its yellow toy tram-cars, and the small + crawling figures which cast inordinately long shadows. All + around is a maze of pale brown roofs, and beyond, the green + plain blending on the horizon with dove-coloured clouds in + a quivering violet haze. CULCHARD is sitting by a small + doorway at the foot of a flight of steps leading to the + Spire._ + +[Illustration: "She passes on with her chin in the air!"] + +_Culchard_ (_meditating_). I think MAUD must have seen from the tone +in which I said I preferred to remain below, that I object to that +cousin of hers perpetually coming about with us as he does. She's far +too indulgent to him--a posing, affected prig, always talking about +the wonderful things he's _going_ to write! He had the impudence to +tell me I didn't know the most elementary laws of the sonnet this +morning! Withering repartee seems to have no effect whatever on him, +I wish I had some of PODBURY's faculty for flippant chaff! I wonder +if he and the PRENDERGASTS really are at Milan. I certainly thought I +recognised ----. If they are, it's very bad taste of them, after the +pointed way in which they left Bellagio. I only hope we shan't-- + + [_Here the figure of Miss PRENDERGAST suddenly emerges from + the door; CULCHARD rises and stands aside to let her pass; + she returns his salutation distantly, and passes on with her + chin in the air; her brother follows, with a side-jerk of + recognition. PODBURY comes last, and halts undecidedly._ + +_Podb._ (_with a rather awkward laugh_). Here we are again, eh? +(_Looks after_ Miss P., _hesitates, and finally sits down by_ +CULCHARD.) Where's the fascinating Miss TROTTER? How do you come to be +off duty like this? + +_Culch._ (_stiffly_). The fascinating Miss TROTTER is up above with +VAN BOODELER, so my services are not required. + +_Podb._ Up above? And HYPATIA just gone up with BOB! Whew, there'll be +ructions presently! Well out of it, you and I! So it's BOODELER's turn +now? That's rough on _you_--after HYPATIA had whistled poor old BOB +off. As much out in the cold as ever, eh? + +_Culch._ I am nothing of the kind. I find him distasteful to me, +and avoid him as much as I can, that's all. I wish, PODBURY, er--I +_almost_ wish you could have stayed with me, instead of allowing the +PRENDERGASTS to carry you off as you did. You would have kept VAN +BOODELER in order. + +_Podb._ Much obliged, old chap; but I'm otherwise engaged. Being kept +in order myself. Oh, I _like_ it, you know. She's developing my mind +like winking. Spent the whole morning at the Brera, mugging up these +old Italian Johnnies. They really are clinkers, you know. RAPHAEL, +eh?--and GIOTTO, and MANTEGNA, and all that lot. As HYPATIA says, for +intensity of--er religious feeling, and--and subtlety of symbolism, +and--and so on, they simply take the cake--romp in, and the rest +nowhere! I'm getting quite the connoisseur, I can tell you! + +_Culch._ Evidently. I suppose there's no chance of a--a +_reconciliation_ up there? [_With some alarm._ + +_Podb._ Don't you be afraid. When HYPATIA once gets her quills up, +they don't subside so easily! Hallo! isn't this old TROTTER? + + [_That gentleman appears in the doorway._ + +_Mr. T._ Why, Mr. PODBURY, so you've come along here? That's _right_! +And how do you like Milan? I like the place first-rate--it's a +live city, Sir. And I like this old cathedral, too; it's well +constructed--they've laid out money on it. I call it real ornamental, +all these little figgers they've stuck around--and not two of 'em a +pair either. Now, they might have had 'em all alike, and no one any +the wiser up so high as this; but it certainly gives it more variety, +too, having them different. Well, I'm going up as high as ever I _can_ +go. You two better come along up with me. + +_ON THE TOP._ + +_Miss P._ (_as she perceives Miss T. and her companion_). Now, BOB, +pray remember all I've told you! [_BOB turns away, petulantly._ + +_Miss T._ (_aside, to VAN B._). I guess the air's got cooler up +here, CHARLEY. But if that girl imagines she's going to freeze _me_! +(_Advancing to Miss P._) Why, my dear, it's almost too sweet for +anything, meeting you again! + +_Miss P._ You're extremely kind, MAUD; I wish I could return the +compliment; but really, after what took place at Bellagio, I-- + +_Miss T._ (_taking her arm_). Well, I'll own up to being pretty +horrid--and so were you; but there don't seem any sense in our meeting +up here like a couple of strange cats on tiles. I won't fly out +anymore, there! I'm just dying for a reconciliation; and so is Mr. +VAN BOODELER. The trouble I've had to console that man! He never met +anybody before haff so interested in the great Amurrcan Novel. And +he's wearying for another talk. So you'd better give that hatchet a +handsome funeral, and come along and take pity on him. + + [_HYP., after a struggle, yields, half-reluctantly, and allows + herself to be taken across to Mr. VAN B., who greets her + effusively. Miss T. leaves them together._ + +_Bob P._ (_who has been prudently keeping in the background till now, +decides that his chance has come_). How do you do. Miss TROTTER? It's +awfully jolly to meet you again like this! + +_Miss. T._ Well, I guess that remark would have been more convincing +if you'd made it a few minutes earlier. + +_Bob_. I--I--you see, I didn't know.... I was afraid--I rather +thought-- + +_Miss T._ You don't get much further with _rather_ thinking, as a +general rule, than if you didn't think at all. But if you're at all +anxious to run away the way you did at Bellagio, you needn't be afraid +_I'll_ hinder you. + +_Bob_. (_earnestly_). Run away! _Do_ you think I'd have gone if--I've +felt dull enough ever since, without _that_.' + +_Miss T._ Oh, I expect you've had a beautiful time. _We_ have. + +_Miss P._ (_coming up_). ROBERT, I thought you wanted to see the Alps? +You should come over to the other side, and-- + +_Miss T._ I'll undertake that he sees the Alps, darling, +presently--when we're through our talk. + +_Miss P._ As you please, dear. But (_pointedly_) did I not see Mr. +CULCHARD below? + +_Miss T._ You don't mean to say you're wearied of Mr. VAN BOODELER +_already_! Well, Mr. CULCHARD will be along soon, and I'll loan him +to you. I'll tell him you're vurry anxious to converse with him some +more. He's just coming along now, with Mr. PODBURY and Poppa. + +_Miss P._ (_under her breath_). MAUD! if you _dare_--! + +_Miss T._ Don't you _dare_ me, then--or you'll see. But I don't want +to be mean unless I'm obliged to. + + [_Mr. TROTTER, followed by CULCHARD and PODBURY, arrives + at the upper platform. CULCHARD and PODBURY efface + themselves as much as possible. Mr. TROTTER greets Miss + PRENDERGAST heartily._ + +_Mr. T._ Well now, I call this sociable, meeting all together again +like this. I don't see why in the land we didn't _keep_ together. I've +been saying so to my darter here, ever since Bellagio--ain't that so, +MAUD? And _she_ didn't know just how it came about either. + +_Miss P._ (_hurriedly_). We--we had to be getting on. And I am afraid +we must say good-bye now, Mr. TROTTER. I want BOB and Mr. PODBURY +to see the Da Vinci fresco, you know, before the light goes. (Bob +_mutters a highly disrespectful wish concerning that work of Art._) We +_may_ see you again, before we leave for Verona. + +_Mr. T._ Verona? Well, I don't care if I see Verona myself. Seems a +pity to separate now we _have_ met, _don't_ it? See here, now, we'll +_all_ go along to Verona together--how's that, MAUD? Start whenever +_you_ feel like it, Miss PRENDERGAST. How does that proposal strike +you? I'll be real hurt if you cann't take to my idea. + +_Miss T._ The fact is, Poppa, HYPATIA isn't just sure that Mr. +PRENDERGAST wouldn't object. + +_Bob P._ I--object? Not _much_! Just what I should _like_, seeing +Verona with--all _together_, you know! + +_Miss T._ Then I guess _that's_ fixed. (_Aside, to Miss P., who is +speechless_). Come, you haven't the heart to go and disappoint my poor +Cousin CHARLEY by saying you won't go! He'll be perfectly enchanted +to be under vow--unless you've filled up _all_ the vacancies already! +(_Aloud, to VAN B., as he approaches_.) We've persuaded Miss +PRENDERGAST to join our party. I hope you feel equal to entertaining +her? + +_Van B._ I shall be proud to be permitted to try. (_To Miss P._) Then +I may take it that you agree with me that the function of the future +American fictionist will be-- [_They move away, conversing._ + +_Podb._ (_To CULCH._) I say, old fellow, we're to be travelling +companions again, after all. And a jolly good thing, too, _I_ +think!... eh? + +_Culch._ Oh, h'm--quite so. That is--but no doubt it will be an +advantage--(_with a glance at Van B., who is absorbed in Miss P.'s +conversation_)--in--er--_some_ respects. (_To himself._) Hardly from +poor dear PODBURY's point of view, I'm afraid, though! However, if +_he_ sees nothing--! [_He shrugs his shoulders, pityingly._ + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +Pocket-books for next year are coming in. Which for choice? "_Solvitur +ambulando_" should be the resolution of the difficulty, given by +one firm at least, that firm being "WALKER." They are handy, and +conveniently pocketable, but to "The chiels amang ye taking notes," +plain leaves, and no fruit, and no dates, we should say, would be +preferable. They're reasonable prices, and you can't expect to get 'em +for nothing; if you do--"WALKER!" + +[Illustration] + +The Baron highly approves of Messrs. DE LA RUE's pocket-books. It is +pleasant to have something in one's pocket, even if only a book. As +to account-books and diaries--well enter nothing therein but what has +been pleasant and profitable, and most diarians who adopt this rule +will not find their memoranda overcrowded at the end of the year. +"Letts be happy, while we can, and good luck to you, Ladies all, in +1892. Leap year!" quoth the Baron. "Over you go like the villagers in +the German story, after the sheep, into the sea of matrimony, where +may you all get on swimmingly." _À propos_, Mesdames BLYTHE and GAY +say that the Christmas Number of _Woman_, produced by a number of +women, is as full of attractive power as the Magnetic Lady herself. + +"ARROWSMITH's Shilling Sensational, by 'a New Author,'" quoth the +Baron, "would, methought, serve _pour me distraire_." The "New Author" +uses the remarkably new device of a mole on the lost child's breast. +Isn't that original? _Miss Box_ and _Miss Cox_ are lost, and found. +"Have you a mole on your left breast?" "Yes!" "Then it is both of +you!" Charming! So useful is the explanation that "Hanwell is a little +village, a few miles from London." Perhaps it is the locality, there +or thereabouts, where this thrillingly interesting tale--which could +have been told in fifty pages, and needn't have been told at all--was +written. Well, well, "All's Hanwell that ends Hanwell," and "I've +galloped through a worse story before now," quoth the Baron, yawning, +and so to bed. + +[Illustration: Turning over the pages.] + +In _John Leech, His Life and Work_ (BENTLEY) Mr. FRITH quotes from an +anonymous but obviously not an original authority, the dictum, "It is +the happiness of such a life (as LEECH's) that there is so little to +be told of it." Mr. BENTLEY has produced two handsome volumes worthy +the reputation of his ancient and honourable house. They enshrine +admirable reproductions of some of LEECH's best work, selected by +the trained hand and sympathetic eye of Mr. FRITH. These are and will +remain the chief attractions of a work to which the Baron, in common +with the civilised world, has been looking forward to with interest, +and of whose realisation he regrets to hear so disappointing an +account from his trusty "Co." It is difficult to find dates in this +higgledy-piggledy chance-medley of facts and opinions. But we all know +that LEECH died in October, 1864. It was in _Mr. Punch's_ pages that +he found the true field for his heaven-born genius For twenty years at +least he was one of the most prominent, best known, and best liked men +in England. Surely within that period there must lie to the hand of +the dilligent seeker material for a memoir worthy to be linked with +the name of JOHN LEECH. Mr. FRITH has not given us such a book, +and criticism is only partly disarmed by the comical reiteration of +confession that he has failed in his appointed task. For what he has +to say in the way of making known to the world the man JOHN LEECH, a +very thin volume would have sufficed, even had he included the more +useful of his remarks on LEECH's work and his method. But there being +two volumes to fill, Mr. FRITH genially summarises _The Physiology of +Evening Parties_, by Mr. ALBERT SMITH; _Mr. Sponge's Sporting Tour_, +and other not very high-class literature, whose only claim to being +remembered is that LEECH illustrated them. Of _The Marchioness of +Brinvilliers_, ALBERT SMITH's attempt to rival the attractions of the +_Newgate Calendar_, Mr. FRITH positively gives two whole chapters! He +allots one to the _Bon Gaultier Ballads_, and nineteen mortal pages +to telling the _Story of Miss Kilmansegg_, with copious extracts from +that easily accessible work. + +This is not Memoir-writing, it is book-making. The reader can skip +these chapters, and, diligently searching, will find here and there a +ray of light thrown on this beautiful placid life, weighed down as it +was from earliest manhood by family circumstances at which Mr. FRITH +delicately hints. "Give, give!" was, truly, the cry of the daughters +of the horseleach. There are, however, several other anecdotes +contributed by personal friends of LEECH's, who have come to Mr. +FRITH's assistance, and succeed in the main in making the book an +interesting one, as giving the outside world some glimpses of a sweet +and manly character. The volumes are crowded with illustrations. +These are LEECH's own work, and make the volumes worth more than their +published price. + +THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & CO. + + * * * * * + +TO EVANGELINE. + + Oh, come and be my Queen, + And share my lot + In some artistic cot + At Turnham Green, + EVANGELINE! + + The painted tambourine + Shall grace its wall, + And many a table small + And folding screen + Shall on its floor be seen, + EVANGELINE! + + Your beauty's dazzling sheen + Upsets me quite-- + Of late my appetite + Has wretched been, + EVANGELINE! + + I shun the soup tureen + And pine for you; + At pudding, joint, and stew + My face turns green-- + What do the symptoms mean, + EVANGELINE? + + If Fate should come between + My Love and me, + This countenance will be + No more serene, + EVANGELINE! + + With nitro-glycerine + I'll speed my flight, + Or else I will ignite + Some Magazine-- + Some _Powder_ Magazine, + EVANGELINE! + + * * * * * + +AN AUNT AT WILL. + + [A lawsuit has been occasioned in India through white ants + devouring a will.] + +It is usually supposed that Australia is topsey-turvey mad, but in +India it seems that matters also go by contraries, when compared with +their mode of procedure at home. A lawsuit has been occasioned in +Calcutta through white ants devouring a will. In England our Aunts +(who are generally whites) make wills (bless them!) and _we_ devour +them, or at least live on the proceeds. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DEAR CHILD! + +_Papa_ (_to Friend from Town_). "THERE, MY BOY, THAT'S WHAT YOU OUGHT +TO DO! GET A GEE, AND COME OUT WITH THE HOUNDS!" + +_Little Daughter_. "OH, PAPA, TAKE CARE YOU DON'T FALL OFF, AS YOU DID +THE OTHER DAY!"] + + * * * * * + +KATHLEEN AND PETRUCHIO; + +OR, SHAKSPEARE BALFOURISED. + + _Kathleen_. HIBERNIA. _Petruchio_. Mr. BALFOUR. + _Grumio_.... Mr. JACKSON. + _Haberdasher_.. Mr. GLADSTONE. + + _Petruchio_. Thus have I politicly begun my reign, + And 'tis my hope to end successfully; + My falcon now is sharp, and passing empty; + And, till she stoop, she must not be full-gorg'd, + For then she never looks upon her lure. + Another way I have to man my haggard, + To make her come, and know her keeper's call; + That is, to watch her, as we watch these kites + That bate, and beat, and will not be obedient. + She plays no tricks to-day, nor none shall play; + Last Session she ruled not, nor shall next Session; + Resolute government is the only way + To smooth these stormy spirits. + + All the same, + _After_ the hurly-burly, I intend + All shall be done in reverend care of her; + And, in conclusion, she shall have her rights, + If she will cease to rise, and rail, and brawl, + And with her clangour keep the world awake. + This is the way to kill her wrath with kindness, + And thus I'll curb her mad and headstrong humour.-- + He that knows better how to tame a shrew, + Let him speak out! 'Tis time the kingdom knew! + + * * * * * + + _Kathleen_. The more my wrong the more his smile appears! + How doth he madden me--and master me!-- + I--I, who never knew how to submit, + Nor never fancied that I should submit,-- + Am starved for strife, stupid for lack of struggle, + With Law kept bridled, and with Order saddled: + And that, which spites me more than all these stints, + He does it under name of perfect love; + As who should say, if I should have my will, + 'Twere deadly sickness or else present death. + + * * * * * + + _Petruchio_. KATHLEEN, thou mend'st apace! + And now, my love, + Will we return unto thy father's house, + And ruffle it as bravely as the best, + With silken coats, and caps, and golden rings, + With ruffs, and cuffs, and farthingales, and things; + With orange tissue trimmed with true-blue bravery, + Eschewing wearing of the green,--that's knavery. + See GRUMIO there! He waits thy loving leisure + To deck thy body with his boxed-up treasure. + A cap of mine own choice, come fresh from town; + It will become thee better than a crown. + 'Tis my ideal. (_Enter_ Haberdasher.) Well--what would _you_, sirrah? + + _Haberdasher_. Here is the hat the lady did bespeak! + + _Petruchio_. Why, this was moulded on a foreign block, + A Phrygian cap. Fie, fie! 'tis crude and flaunting. + Why, 'tis a coal-vase or a bushel-basket, + A fraud, a toy, a trick, a verdant fool'scap: + Away with it! Come, let me have a smaller! + + _Kathleen_. I'll have no smaller: this doth fit the time, + And gentlewomen wear such hats as these. + + _Petruchio_. When you are gentle, you shall have one too, + But of another pattern. + + _Grumio_ (_aside_). Mine, to wit. + + _Kathleen_. Why, Sir, I trust I may have leave to speak: + And speak I will. I am no child, no babe: + Your betters have endured me say my mind, + And, if you cannot, best you stop your ears. + My tongue will tell the craving of my heart, + Or else my heart, concealing it, will break; + And rather than it shall, I will be free + E'en to the uttermost,--at least in words! + + _Petruchio_. Why, so thou art. But 'tis a paltry hat + This Haberdasher would fob off on thee. + I love thee well, but _he_, he loves thee not. + + _Kathleen_. Love me or love me not, I like the hat, + And it I will have, or I will have none. + + _Grumio_ (_aside_). Then is she like to go bareheaded long! + + [_Left arguing. Sequel--some day._ + + * * * * * + +OUR OLD FRIEND ONCE MORE.--Mrs. RAM has lately taken to theatre-going. +She says, however, that she doesn't much care about going on first +nights of new pieces, as the Stalls are full of Crickets. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: KATHLEEN AND PETRUCHIO. + +KATHLEEN. "I'LL HAVE NO SMALLER; THIS DOTH FIT THE TIME. AND +GENTLEWOMEN WEAR SUCH HATS AS THESE." + +PETRUCHIO. "WHEN YOU ARE GENTLE, YOU SHALL HAVE ONE TOO, BUT--OF +ANOTHER FASHION."--_Shakspeare Balfourised_.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: The G.O.M. Illuminated by a Ray of Sunlight (Soap).] + + * * * * * + +PAUL PRY IN THE PURPLE. + +(_EXTRACTS FROM LETTERS FOUND IN A GERMAN POST-BAG._) + +_TO A BISHOP._ + +It has occurred to me that your sermons are not quite as good as +they should be. You do not seem to grasp your subject with sufficient +strength. I have not time to come to listen to you, as I have other +pressing engagements, and consequently write from hearsay. Still, I +believe I have good reason for my strictures. However, that you may +have an excellent example upon which to model your discourses in the +future, I will myself visit your cathedral at a near date, and occupy +your pulpit. I will wire ten minutes before I arrive with my sermon. + +_TO A GENERAL._ + +I congratulate you upon the success of the recent manoeuvres. Nothing +could have been finer than the manner in which the entire Army saluted +me on my approach. Perhaps the bands might have played the National +Anthem half-an-hour longer or so, but for all that, the effect was +excellent. And now I have got a really splendid idea. And you must +help me. I want to order all the troops to another part of the country +without telling their officers, and then, when they least expect it, +you and I will order a general assembly. It will be such a joke to see +the commanders when they appear on parade without any soldiers! They +will be so surprised! And sha'n't we laugh! But mind, not a word to +anyone until we have had our fun. As an old soldier who has deserved +well of his Fatherland, I rely on your discretion. + +_TO A THEATRICAL MANAGER._ + +[Illustration] + +I was at the performances in your play-house the other evening, +and, as I told you at the time, was not at all satisfied with the +representation. I informed you that when I had time I would jot down +my complaints, and I am now keeping my promise. I don't like the +costume of the Tragedy Queen--her heels are too high and why does she +wear gloves? The Low Comedian does not make the most of his part. +He has to walk about with a band-box. Now why does he not seize the +opportunity to place it on a chair and sit upon it? This would have a +very comical effect. I have seen it done, and it made me laugh. +Please let him sit upon the band-box for the future. If he sits down +accidentally the effect will be heightened. It will be very funny. +By the way, let all the box-keepers give programmes free of charge to +officers and ladies under forty. I shall soon be at the theatre again +to attend a rehearsal. I will wire ten minutes before I come, so that +you may have proper time to call your company together. Till then, you +incompetent sausage, you can enjoy your Lager and pipe in peace! + +_TO A DOCTOR._ + +I have been reading some of the Medical Journals, and I am not quite +sure whether I think your manner of cutting off a leg is the proper +way. It may be, but, on the other hand, it may not. Before you cut off +another leg communicate with me, and I will fix a date (as early as +I can--probably within six months), when I can see your patient, and +give you my opinion. By the way, do not go your rounds until you hear +from me, as I may want to see you at any time. + +_TO A COACH-BUILDER._ + +You don't know how to make a carriage. The other day I thought of +a capital idea, but, for the moment, cannot remember it. However, I +fancy it had something to do with square wheels. At any rate you had +better not make any more carriages until I call. I will come as soon +as I can--probably before Spring twelvemonths. + +_TO A RELATIVE._ + +Had not time to answer your letter before. I do not in the least agree +with you. I hate people who do not mind their own business. Why not +attend to your own, and leave mine alone? If you do not take care, _I +will arrange to visit you in State!_ So you had better mind what you +are about! + + * * * * * + +PROGRAMME OF THE CYCLOPÆDIC CIRCUS. + +(_UNDER THE IMMEDIATE PATRONAGE OF LORD SALISBURY._) + +The Members of the School Board of Little Peddlington have the honour +to announce that, in deference to the expressed opinion of the + +PREMIER OF THE UNITED KINGDOM, + +that it would be wise to substitute Circuses for school-rooms in the +provinces, have arranged for the holding of + +A GRAND SCHOLASTIC GALA, + +on a scale of unprecedented magnificence. The Members have engaged, at +considerable expense, that admirable Artist, + +THE COURIER OF BOTH THE GLOBES, + +who will, during a rapid ride on a retired cab-horse, exhibit and +explain a series of gigantic maps of + +EUROPE, ASIA, AFRICA, AND AMERICA. + +This Star Artist will be followed by that talented _troupe_ of +relatives who for many years have drawn enormous crowds to their +performances under the assumed but appropriate name of + +THE BOUNDING BROTHERS OF THE SPELLING-BEES. + +They will go through their marvellous feats in tossing barrels +(bearing on their sides painted letters), and thus combining amusement +with instruction. Their last act will be to keep in simultaneous +motion a sufficient number of labelled milk-cans to spell the +sentence, "Farewell to all kind friends in front." This marvellous +double quartette will be followed by + +THE ARITHMETICAL BICYCLIST, + +[Illustration] + +who will ride his favourite two-wheeled vehicle while he sings a +song introducing in a pleasing manner the Multiplication Table. This +sweet-toned vocalist will be succeeded by + +_THE STAR-LOVING PIG ATTENDED BY COMICAL HERSCHEL._ + +In which the former will spell out (with the assistance of card-board +letters) a number of interesting astronomical facts at the instigation +of his mirth-provoking master and proprietor. This talented performer +will be followed by + +THE UNIVERSAL KNOWLEDGE QUADRILLE. + +In which the entire _troupe_ will appear on horseback, and go through +the programme of studies (proficiency in which is required by the +Tenth Standard) without a single mistake. + +The performances will then be brought to an appropriate and jubilant +conclusion by + +_A SILVER COLLECTION IN AID OF THE RATES!_ + + + * * * * * + +QUEER QUERIES.--OUR DEFENCES.--I am informed that Mr. STANHOPE is +expected shortly to go abroad, "in order to recruit." Can even the +blindest military optimist any longer deny that the British Army is +a nefarious imposture, when the Minister for War is forced into an +ignominious attempt to raise a body of foreign mercenaries by his own +personal efforts? + +HALF-PAY PATRIOT. + +SCIENTIFIC.--Could you kindly tell me what "the Great Ice Age" means? +My Pater took me to hear some fellow lecture about it the other day, +but I couldn't understand much of what he said. I thought he was going +to talk about strawberry ices and lemon ices, which I like awfully, +but he didn't even mention them! Don't you think _twelve_ is the great +Ice Age--I mean the age when boys ought to be allowed to eat as many +as they like? N.B.--I am just twelve. + +TOMMY. + + * * * * * + +WORTH SEEING.--"We understand that to the Exhibition of "Instruments +of Torture," and now on view in London, have been lately added +the Medici Collar, a Piano Organ, and a "Shakspeare for the use of +Schools." + + * * * * * + +MEM. BY "THE OFFICIAL RECEIVER."--"Firm as a Rock" will not be +henceforth a proverb of universal application. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ELECTION FEVER. A VICTIM'S VICISSITUDES.] + + * * * * * + +TRAN-SLATED. + +(_BEING A NEWLY-DISCOVERED FRAGMENT OF AN OLD GREEK PLAY, SUPPOSED TO +BE A VERY EARLY_ "_AGAMEMNON_.") + + * * * * * + + _Cly._ The coals I bought as Wallsend are not so. + + _Ag._ Thus groundless hopes vanish--like coals in smoke. + + _Cly._ You speak in words Mysterious, lacking sense. + + _Ag._ The sense is patent to the reasoning mind. + + _Cly._ And yet I paid for them upon the nail. + + _Ag._ What matter, if the price was far too low? + + _Cly._ Then call you eighteen shillings low for coal? + + _Ag._ Yes, for "Prime Wallsend"--what could you expect? + + _Cly._ Listen! In passing 'long the public way + I saw a notice telling of these coals. + It called them "ever-burning": said no skill + Could put them out when once they were alight, + Because they were "the best the world produced." + I purchased some. Ai! ai! They turned out slates. + My household maidens by Prometheus swear + _They_ never saw such stuff for lighting fires. + What of it is not slag, that part is slate, + And slated should they be that sold it me. + Moreover, when with anger I remarked + To those who bore the sacks upon their backs, + Within our cellars to deposit them, + That they had better bear their loads away + Seeing I ordered coals, not lumps of slate, + They answered that, if they refused to burn, + They might be useful for a Rockery! + So now _they_ have the shillings, _I_ the coals. + + _Ag._ And having them, we have no household fires. + + _Cly._ What then to do? _You_ sit with idle hands. + + _Ag._ I cannot turn to Wallsend bits of slag. + + _Cly._ But you can seek the Archon, and denounce + The man whose cunning robs our hearth of flame. + + _Ag._ (_going out_). In what you say not nothing I perceive. + Women, in hunting cheapness, capture costs. + + CHORUS. STROPHE. + + The puny race of men + Soars, in imagination, to the skies; + While tackling Science and Theosophy + Their hands the coal-scoop grasp! + + CHORUS. ANTISTROPHE. + + From high Olympus Zeus + Smiles at the perjuries of coal-heavers. + Not always is the cheapest article + The one that turns out best. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD WISH TO HAVE EXPRESSED DIFFERENTLY. + +"WELL, GOOD-BYE, MISS SMITH. TELL THE OTHERS I WAS VERY SORRY NOT TO +FIND ANYONE AT HOME--A--A--A--EXCEPT YOU--A!"] + + * * * * * + +A BOARD-SCHOOL CHRISTMAS. + +(_AN ANTICIPATION OF THE NOT VERY DISTANT FUTURE._) + +[Illustration] + +It was a very unseasonable Yule-tide. Instead of the old-fashioned +mild weather that had been the constant companion of Christmas for +many years, the ground was covered with snow and the river blocked +with ice. However, thanks to modern improvements, the artisans had not +been impeded in executing their four hours of labour as provided by a +recent statute. They had been sitting at their Club (supported by the +State), reading the newspapers purchased out of the rates, and were +only annoyed that no food and drink was supplied them free gratis and +for nothing. + +"It would never do," said an old workman, who remembered the +eight-hour day that used to prevail at the end of the Nineteenth +Century. "You see were we to have beer at will, the brewers' draymen +might complain. It was once attempted, but the Licensed Victuallers +made such a disturbance that the idea was abandoned." + +"There is something in what you say," observed a second workman; +"but, for the life of me, I don't see why the Nation shouldn't provide +bread." + +"No, there you are out!" cried a third. "I am a baker, and anything +that interferes with my industry won't do." + +And so they talked, discussing this and that, until all the subjects +of the leaders in the daily papers had been exhausted. It was then +that one of the workmen suggested a walk and a pipe on the Embankment. + +So they lounged down the main thoroughfare of London, with its +pleasant _cafés_ and well-appointed _restaurants_, and came to +the conclusion (for the fiftieth time) that it was far better than +anything of the same kind in Paris, or any other of the capitals of +Europe. They had all been abroad during their State-assisted vacation, +and consequently had the chief towns of the world, so to speak, at +their finger-tips. As they sauntered along, they came to a group +of half-starved, perambulating performers, who were giving an +entertainment to a crowd of bystanders. It was not a good programme. +First a young woman in rags, played on an old piano, with decent +precision, some extremely difficult variations of CHOPIN's _Funeral +March_. She was followed by a man who painted a portrait of a leading +statesman indifferently well. Then another man jumped into the river, +and made his way in the cold water with the ease of a fifth-rate +professional swimmer. Then a second young woman recited something +or other in German, with an atrocious English accent. And the whole +concluded with a lecture upon chemistry (given by a seedy-looking +old man), which was illustrated with some ambitious, but feeble +experiments. + +On the balance the performance was a bore, and the public were rather +pleased than otherwise, when a police constable ordered the _troupe_ +"to move on." The poor people gathered together their _impedimenta_ +and prepared to obey the officer's behest. It was then that the +performers came face to face with the artisans. There was a cry of +recognition. + +"Why, would you believe it!" exclaimed one of the workmen, "if it +isn't SALLY JONES, and TOMMY BROWN, and NORAH JENKINS, and HARRY +SMITH!" + +The well-fed and the starving cordially greeted one another. Then +there were mutual explanations, and the old man who had lectured upon +chemistry had his say:-- + +"You want to know why we are all starving, and why we are so much +worse off than you, although we were educated at the same Board +School? I will tell you. It was because you very wisely made up your +minds to follow the occupations of your fathers. You became builders, +bakers, coal-heavers and paviors. + +"Ah, we did that," sighed out the elderly workman, "because we were +too backward to attempt anything better. We were not clever people +like you! We couldn't play the piano, and paint and swim, and go +in for chemistry. We were not clever enough, and had to put up with +passing a very low standard." + +"Thank your lucky stars it was so," exclaimed the chemist, with +tears in his eyes, "for your fate is happier than ours. We are all +fifth-rate, and can do nothing else. We have no chance against those +who have been born to this kind of thing, and we have forgotten how to +do your work. So we are starving, and--" + +But here the old man was interrupted by a policeman, who ordered +all of them to move on. And on they moved. Half one way and half the +other. + + * * * * * + +OUR OWN FINANCIAL COLUMN. + +"CROESUS" has vanished! We can scarcely find it in our heart to +add anything to this distressing statement; but for the sake of our +readers whom he may have induced to patronise his financial schemes, +we give a few slight details of the disaster. + +[Illustration: Portrait of "Croesus."] + +Four days ago enormous piles of letters began to arrive at our office. +They were addressed to "CROESUS," and had been sent on to us from +his last address marked "gone away; try office of _Punch_." We opened +them. They were all threatening letters. + +"Why," wrote one angry gentleman, "have I heard nothing from you since +I sent you my cheque for £10,000? Unless I receive a reply within a +week, legal proceedings will be taken." The rest were similar in +tone. Thereupon we resolved to call at the last address given to us by +"CROESUS." It was somewhere in the Mile End Road. We arrived, entered, +ascended the stairs, and found in a dingy back bed-room, three used +half-penny stamps, a false nose, a pair of whiskers, and a large sheet +of paper on which were written only these words: "Sold Again"--which +obviously referred to some financial scheme or other. On inquiring of +the landlady, we heard that her lodger had departed two days before, +taking with him two large and heavy wooden chests. He had promised +to return. We then consulted the police. They are very reticent, but +consider they have got a clue. + +And here we owe it to our readers to make a confession. We have never +set eyes on "CROESUS." We engaged him entirely on the strength of +the most glowing recommendations from a whole bevy of Bank-Managers, +including the Managers of the Bank of Lavajelli, of the Pei-ho +Provinces, of Samarcand, of Ashanti and of Dodge County, U.S.A. All +these gentlemen wrote in the most complimentary terms of "CROESUS." +"He is a man," wrote the Manager of the Dodge County Bank, "whom I +have had the honour to know intimately for a considerable number of +years. Indeed, we were educated together, and not a day has passed +since then without our meeting. I beg to state that I consider him +thoroughly fitted for the responsible position of financial director +of a high-class Metropolitan paper. His personal appearance is +aristocratic and prepossessing, his manners have about them a +distinction which impresses all who meet him, and his dress, though +modest, is always pleasing. His complete command of twenty-four +languages must be of the highest advantage to him in unravelling the +tangled skein of international finance." Acting upon such testimonials +we engaged "CROESUS." We have now reason to believe that we have +been made the victims of a gross and cruel deception. An expert in +handwriting, whom we have consulted, gives it as his opinion, that +every single one of these recommendations is in the handwriting of +"CROESUS" himself, and the police, after protracted inquiries, have +assured us that the Banks, whose supposed managers addressed us in +favour of "CROESUS," never had any actual existence at all. + +All we can do now is to assist justice by publishing herewith +the photograph of "CROESUS." We apologise to all whom he may have +deceived, but we do not hold ourselves responsible for any damage he +has caused. We shall publish no more financial contributions in the +meantime. + +ED. + + * * * * * + +ENGLISH AS SHE IS SUNG. + +[Illustration] + +MR. PUNCH, SIR,--If I start a butcher's business, and give my shop the +special title of The _Welsh_ Meat Shop, is the great British Public +so narrow-minded as to expect me to sell them only Welsh meat, the +produce of Welsh farms only? If so, the Public, with all due respect, +is a hass. For if I who have to live,--though perhaps others may not +see the necessity for my existence,--by my trade, find that the Welsh +meat, which the Public had expected to be ready and waiting, is not +forthcoming, only one of two things can I do; the one is to shut +up shop (which I won't), and the other is to provide my intending +customers with French, Indian, English, Irish, Scotch, American, +Australian, New Zealandian, Cape Colonial, in fact with any meat I can +get from anywhere, and as long as it is toothsome, and I can afford +to sell it at an average price, why should it not be sold at my Royal +Welsh Meat Shop? + +When I call my shop The Royal Welsh Meat Shop, do I thereby bar myself +from dealing in English or foreign meats? Do I bar myself from dealing +in Indian pickles or China oranges? No, certainly not; nor do I bar +myself from selling neckties, gloves, ginger-beer, and Brazil nuts. +So, when a House of Musical Entertainment is styled The English Opera +House, it must be understood, "all to the contrary nevertheless +and notwithstanding," to mean an English House where Opera may be +performed, and not a Theatre where only English Opera is Housed. "My +soul can not be fettered," as the poet says,--what poet, I don't know +and don't care, but he said it, whoever he was, and _he was right_. If +there is no English Opera for my House, then I get a French Opera, or +a Dutch one, just as at an oyster-shop--but perhaps this is not quite +the illustration I should like, as, at an oyster-shop, they _do_ ask +you which you will have, "Natives," or "Seconds," or "Anglo-Dutch"; +and, when you can't afford Natives, you put up with an inferior +quality at a lesser price. But if that oyster-seller called his shop +"The Native-Oyster Shop," should I have any ground of action against +him for selling any other oysters except Natives? No. But then he +would ask me "If I wanted Natives or not?" And if I said "Yes," he +would give me Natives. Now I admit I do not ask the Public at the +doors Which will you have? because I may not be able to have an +English Opera always on tap, so to speak. Metaphors a bit confused, +but you know what I mean. If I had a few English Operas on tap I might +turn 'em on, say, on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays: English Opera by +English Composers on those days, and on the other days, any Operas +by any Composers. But if the Public _won't_ come on the English Opera +nights, and _will_ come on the other nights? What then? Why obviously +I must keep my Natives (if I have any) in a barrel, and deal only +with the foreign supply. "Blame not the Bard"--I mean blame not the +patriotic man of business, but let our cry be "Art for Art's sake," +and the English Opera for ever! that is, as long as Art and English +Opera pay. + +Yours, + +A MANAGER FIRST AND ANYTHING YOU LIKE AFTERWARDS. + + * * * * * + +LATEST FROM SHOTSHIRE.--The only appropriate beverage for a Sportsman +out shooting,--why "Pop" to be sure. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +101, December 12, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14165 *** diff --git a/14165-h/14165-h.htm b/14165-h/14165-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c5e9128 --- /dev/null +++ b/14165-h/14165-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1926 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> + + <title>Punch, December 12, 1891.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note, .footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + p.author {text-align: right;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> + +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14165 ***</div> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 101.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>December 12, 1891.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page277" + id="page277"></a>[pg 277]</span> + + <h2>LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS.</h2> + + <h3>NO. VIII.—TO LAZINESS.</h3> + + <p>BEST (AND BEST-ABUSED) OF ABSTRACTIONS,</p> + + <p>My heart positively warms to you as I write. At this precise + moment I can think of a hundred different things that I ought + to be doing. For instance, I have not written to TOM, who is in + the wilds of Canada, for months. His last letter ended with a + pathetic appeal for an answer.</p> + + <p>"Never mind, old chap," he said, "about not having any news. + Little details that you may think too insignificant to relate + are bound to interest me in this deserted spot. I am sure you + occasionally meet I some of our friends of the old days. Tell + them I often think of them and all the fun we used to have + together. It all seems like a dream to me now. Let me know what + any of them are doing. I heard six months ago from a fellow who + was touring out here that JACK BUMPUS was married. If it is + really our old JACK, congratulate him, and give him my love. I + don't know his present address. But, whatever you do, write. A + letter from you is like water in the desert."</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/277.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/277.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>When I read that letter I became full of the noblest + resolutions. Not another day should pass, I vowed, before I + answered it. So I prepared a great many sheets of thin + note-paper, carefully selected a clean nib and sat down at my + writing-table to begin. As I did so my eyes fell upon <i>Martin + Chuzzlewit</i>, which was lying within easy reach. The book + seemed positively to command me to read it for the tenth time. + I took it up, and in another moment <i>Mrs. Gamp</i> had taken + possession of me. My writing-chair was uncomfortable. I + transferred myself into an arm-chair. Is it necessary to add + that I did not write to TOM? His letter is getting frayed and + soiled from being constantly in my pocket. Day after day it + accompanies me on my daily round, unanswered and seemingly + unanswerable. For I feel it to be a duty to write, and my mind + abhors a duty. The letter weighs upon my conscience like lead. + A few strokes of the pen would remove the burden, but I simply + cannot screw myself up to the task. That is one of the things I + ought to do.</p> + + <p>Again, ought I not to call on the WHITTLESEAS? Mr. and Mrs. + WHITTLESEA have simply overflowed with kindness towards me. I + never enjoyed anything more than the week I spent at their + house in Kent a short time ago. They are now in town, and, what + is more, they know that I am in town too. Of course I ought to + call. It's my plain duty, and that is, as far as I can tell, + the only reason which absolutely prevents me from calling upon + that hospitable family. Why need I go through the long list of + my pressing duties? I ought to write my article on "Modern + Theosophy: A Psychological Parallel," for the next number of + <i>The Brain</i>. I ought to visit my dentist; I ought to have + my hair cut. But I shall do none of these things. On the other + hand, it is absolutely unnecessary that I should write to you. + No evil would befall me if I waited another year, or even + omitted altogether to write to you. And that is the precise + reason why I am now addressing you. As a matter of fact, I like + you. As I have already said, the performance of strict duties + is irksome to me. It is you, my dear LAZINESS, who forbid me to + perform them, and thus save me from many an uncongenial task. + That is why I like you.</p> + + <p>And, after all, the common abuse of you is absurd. I have + heard grave and industrious persons declare emphatically that + any one who allows himself to fall under your sway debars + himself utterly from every chance of success. Fiddlesticks! I + snap my fingers at such folly. What do these gentlemen say to + the case of FIGTREE, the great Q.C.? Everybody knows that + FIGTREE is, without exception, the most indolent man in the + world. Let any doubter walk down Middle Temple Lane and ask the + first young barrister he meets what he thinks of FIGTREE. I am + ready to wager my annual income that the reply will be, "What, + Old FIGTREE! Why, he's the laziest man at the Bar. I thought + everybody knew that." I may be told, of course, that FIGTREE + appears in all the big cases—that his management of them + is extraordinarily successful; that the Judges defer to him; + that his speech in the Camberwell poisoning case lasted a day + and a half, and is acknowledged to be a masterpiece of forensic + eloquence, fit to rank with the best efforts of ERSKINE; that + his fees always exceed ten thousand pounds a year and that his + book on <i>Fines and Recoveries</i> is a monument of industry. + All this I shall hear from some member of the outside public, + who does not know his FIGTREE. But the fact remains. FIGTREE is + the most indolent being alive. I doubt if he can be induced to + read a brief before he goes into Court. Many are the tales told + by those who have been his juniors of the marvellous skill and + address with which FIGTREE has time after time extricated + himself from awkward situations into which he had been led by + his ignorance of the details of the case in which he happened + to be engaged. In the sensational libel case of <i>Bagwell</i> + v. <i>Muter</i>, FIGTREE, as you must remember, appeared for + the defendant. When the plaintiff's Junior Counsel had opened + the pleadings, FIGTREE actually got up, and, had not his own + Junior pulled him down, he would then and there have opened the + case for the plaintiff. Yet FIGTREE's cross-examination of that + same plaintiff, travelling as it did over a long period of + time, and dealing with a most complicated story, in which dates + were of the first importance, is still cited by those who heard + it as the most remarkable display of its kind which the English + Courts have afforded for years past. Whether the unfortunate + BAGWELL, whom it showed conclusively to be a swindler and an + impostor, has an equal admiration for it, I know not, nor is + he, I fancy, likely to tell us, even when he returns from the + prison which is now the scene of his labours. How FIGTREE, who + at the outset did not even know on which side he appeared, + managed in the time at his command to master this intricate + case, must ever remain a mystery. HARRY ADDLESTONE, his Junior, + is accustomed to talk darkly of a marvellous chronological + analysis of the case which he had prepared for his leader, and + evidently wishes me to believe that he, rather than FIGTREE, is + to be credited with the success achieved. But the Solicitors + have not yet withdrawn their confidence from FIGTREE to + transfer it to ADDLESTONE.</p> + + <p>Here, then, is an instance of a perfectly indolent man + rising higher and higher every year on the ladder of + professional advancement. I can only attribute it, my dear + LAZINESS, to your beneficent influence, which preserves the + great barrister from the weary labours to which his rivals + daily submit. They say of him that he knows nothing of law. If + I grant that, it merely proves that a knowledge of law is not + required for success in the profession of the law. The + deduction is dangerous, but obvious, and I recommend it warmly + to all who are about to be called to the Bar.</p> + + <p>I don't think I have anything more to say to you to-day; + indeed, I know that you would be the last to desire that the + writing of this letter should he in any way irksome to me. + Besides, it is five o'clock P.M. My arm-chair invites me. I + feel tired, and, that being so, I am convinced it would he an + act of pedantic folly to deny myself the sweet refreshment of + half-an-hour's sleep. Farewell, kindly one. I shall always + rejoice to honour you, and celebrate your praise.</p> + + <p class="author">Yours, with all goodwill,<br /> + DIOGENES ROBINSON.</p> + + <p>P.S.—I reopen this letter to say that I have just read + in an evening paper a terrible account of the total destruction + by a tornado of the town in Canada which was poor TOM's place + of exile. "The loss of life," it is added, "has been great, and + several Englishmen are amongst the victims." No names are + given. Good gracious! If TOM has indeed perished, how am I ever + to forgive myself for neglecting him? What must he have thought + of me? I curse myself in vain for my—bah! What is the use + of telling you this? The same paper informs me, in the elegant + language appropriate to these occasions, that "Mr. FIGTREE, + Q.C., has been offered, and has accepted, the vacant + Lord-Justiceship of Appeal."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>AN OPPORTUNITY.—A Lyme Regis Correspondent sends us + the following advertisement, found, he says, in the <i>Bridport + News</i>; we omit dates and names:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>—— will SELL by AUCTION, Three Fine DAIRY + COWS to calve <i>respectfully</i> in Dec., April, and May + next. An excellent double-feeding chaff-cutter, &c.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>A respectful cow will no doubt fulfil her engagements + honorably. "A double-feeding chaff-cutter" ought to be an + acquisition to a fast set on a coach at the Derby, though of + course his "double-feeding" powers would have to be amply + provided for at luncheon time.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"The nearest thing to 'setting the Thames on fire,'" said a + quiet traveller by the Underground, "is the announcement which + you will now see at the St. James's Park Station:—'A + LIGHT HERE FOR NIAGARA.'" "Why," exclaimed an irate passenger + to the timid suggestion of the above, "of course it doesn't + mean <i>that</i>." Then he added, contemptuously, "Get out!" + Which he did.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page278" + id="page278"></a>[pg 278]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/278.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/278.png" + alt="RUSTICUS EXPECTANS. (NEW POLITICAL VERSION OF AN OLD FABLE.)" /> + </a> + + <h3>RUSTICUS EXPECTANS. (NEW POLITICAL VERSION OF AN OLD + FABLE.)</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page279" + id="page279"></a>[pg 279]</span> + + <h2>RUSTICUS EXPECTANS;</h2> + + <h4><i>Or, the New Dumbledumdeary.</i></h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Rusticus expectat, dum defluat amnis; at ille</p> + + <p>Labitur, et labetur in omne volubilis ævum."</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p class="author">HORACE.</p> + + <h4>AIR—"<i>Dumbledumdeary</i>."</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In the fall of the year, when M.P.'s were about,</p> + + <p>And speeches burst forth like a waterspout,</p> + + <p>HODGE took up his bundle, and caught up his + staff,</p> + + <p>And went for a walk—if you please, don't + laugh!—</p> + + <p class="i4">Singing dumbledumdeary, + dumbledumdeary,</p> + + <p class="i4">Dumble, dumble, dumbledumdee!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, HODGE had put on his bettermost smock,</p> + + <p>And wore his billycock gaily a-cock;</p> + + <p>For HODGE nowadays is a person of note,</p> + + <p>And great Governments bow to the "hind,"—with + a vote.</p> + + <p class="i4">Singing dumbledumdeary, &c.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So he strolled on wi'out dread or fear</p> + + <p>Of Squoire or Parson, or County Peer,</p> + + <p>For the spouting M.P. and the Liberal Van</p> + + <p>Had made of the shock-headed joskin a Man!</p> + + <p class="i4">Singing dumbledumdeary, &c.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>With promises stuffed, and with hope inspired,</p> + + <p>HODGE walked, and walked till he felt quite + tired;</p> + + <p>So he sat himself down on the bank of a stream,</p> + + <p>And, falling asleep, dreamed a wonderful dream.</p> + + <p class="i4">Singing dumbledumdeary, &c.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The old, old stream was no longer the brook</p> + + <p>Where he'd angled for minnows with worm and + hook;</p> + + <p>It swelled and swirled, and its rippling voice</p> + + <p>Was changed to loud echoes of platform noise.</p> + + <p class="i4">Singing dumbledumdeary, &c.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And it seemed to address him, "How long, friend + HODGE,</p> + + <p>In a smock you will slave, in a pig-stye lodge?</p> + + <p>The Town revolts, but the landlord crew</p> + + <p>Still rule the rustics. What can you do?"</p> + + <p class="i4">Singing dumbledumdeary, &c.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Oh, I can reap, and I can sow;</p> + + <p>And I can plough, and I can mow;</p> + + <p>And, as Lord RIPON doth treuly say,</p> + + <p><i>I can yarn my eighteen-pence a day</i>!"</p> + + <p class="i4">Singing dumbledumdeary, &c.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Oh, that," cried the Voices, "will never do!</p> + + <p>HODGE now must have freedom, and comfort too,</p> + + <p>And Village Councils, Allotments, and Larks!</p> + + <p>Though the Landlords take fright for their Manors + and Parks,"</p> + + <p class="i4">Singing dumbledumdeary, &c.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"No more must he live like a pig in a stye,</p> + + <p>Or <i>we</i> (Tory <i>Codlir</i>, Rad <i>Short</i>) + will know why.</p> + + <p>And if you'll consent just to vote for <i>us</i> + now,</p> + + <p>We'll put a new tune to your old 'Speed the + Plough!'"</p> + + <p class="i4">Singing dumbledumdeary, &c.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Then HODGE, slightly puzzled, beheld (in his + dream)</p> + + <p>A legion of faces that flowed with the stream.</p> + + <p>"There's two WILLIAMS, and JOEY, and JESSE!" he + cried,</p> + + <p>"SOLLY, BALFY, and JOKIM talk, too, from the + tide,—"</p> + + <p class="i4">Singing dumbledumdeary, &c.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"They're making a vast sight o' noise, and I + fear,</p> + + <p>Whilst they all shout together, their + <i>meaning's</i> scarce clear.</p> + + <p>They all drift one way, though, out yonder I'll + sit!</p> + + <p>And wait till the shindying slackens a bit."</p> + + <p class="i4">Singing dumbledumdeary, &c.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So HODGE, like old HORACE's Rustic, still waits</p> + + <p>Till the waters flow by, or their turmoil + abates;</p> + + <p>And then hopes to reach "Happy Home" o'er that + stream.</p> + + <p>Let <i>us</i> hope that he mayn't find it + <i>only</i> a dream!</p> + + <p class="i4">Singing dumbledumdeary, + dumbledumdeary,</p> + + <p class="i4">Dumble, dumble, dumbledumdee!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:70%;"> + <a href="images/279.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/279.png" + alt="THE TRIALS OF AN ANXIOUS 'JUNIOR.'" /></a> + + <h3>THE TRIALS OF AN ANXIOUS "JUNIOR."</h3>PROMPTING A DEAF + AND TESTY "CHIEF" IN OPEN COURT IS NOT HIS IDEA OF PERFECT + BLISS. + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>"DICK" POWER.</h2> + + <p>When the House of Commons meets in February, it will find + many vacant places. Save, perhaps, on that sacred to the memory + of OLD MORALITY, none will draw towards it such sorrowful + glances as the bench below the Gangway, where, last Session, + DICK POWER's smiling face was found. Everyone in the House knew + "DICK," and all liked him—a modest-mannered, + merry-hearted man, whom a strange destiny had not only dragged + into political life, but, as Whip of the Parnellite Party, had + made him the official representative of a body for the most + part socially unknown, and disliked with a fervour happily not + often imported into Parliamentary warfare. DICK POWER, whilst + never swerving by a hair's breadth from loyalty to his + colleagues and his leader, so bore himself that he was welcome + in any Parliamentary circle, from "GOSSET's Room" to the floor + of the House, which he sometimes "took" to deliver a witty + speech in support of a Motion for adjourning over the Derby. He + was only in his fortieth year, married scarce a fortnight, when + comes the blind Fury with the abhorrëd shears and slits the + thin-spun thread. "LYCIDAS is dead!"; but he will long be + remembered as shedding through seventeen years a genial light + on Irish politics, too often obscured by aggressive vulgarity, + and the sacrifice of patriotic interests to the ends of + personal vanity.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>ONLY FANCY!</h2> + + <p>We are in a position to state that overtures were recently + made to a well-known and popular member of the aristocracy in + connection with a certain high office lately vacated. It is + felt that a gentleman with the varied experience and capacity + indicated by the circumstance (to which we may allude as not + involving breach of confidence), that his name was successively + mentioned in connection with the offices, recently vacant, of + Postmaster-General, Undersecretary of State for Foreign + Affairs, and Leader of the House of Commons, is peculiarly well + qualified for the post.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The PRIME MINISTER has, we learn, been much gratified by the + receipt of a letter volunteered by one of his colleagues, + expressing generous satisfaction at his selection of Mr. ARTHUR + BALFOUR to the Leadership of the House of Commons. It was the + more pleasing as the name of Lord SALISBURY's correspondent + had, in Conservative circles, been prominently mentioned in + connection with the office. "It is true," the Abounding Baron + wrote, "that the public with unerring instinct has looked in + another direction. I should therefore like to be the first to + say that your Lordship has done well in recognising the + services to the Unionist cause performed by Mr. BALFOUR. Of + course there may be other openings, and in case your Lordship + has occasion to communicate with me, it may be convenient to + mention that, having come to town this morning and transacted + business at my office in Bouverie Street, I am about to return + to my country residence at Stow-in-the-Wold."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is announced that Lord SALISBURY's new house at Beaulieu + is to be let furnished for the winter months, the PREMIER not + intending to return till the Spring. We understand that one of + Mr. GLADSTONE's friends and admirers is in treaty for the + residence, intending to place it for a few weeks at the + disposal of the Leader of the Opposition. We have not yet heard + how far this happily-conceived scheme has progressed.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page280" + id="page280"></a>[pg 280]</span> + + <h2>THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS.</h2> + + <h3>No. XVIII.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>The roof of Milan Cathedral; the + innumerable statues and fretted pinnacles show in dazzling + relief against the intense blue sky. Through the open-work + of the parapet is seen the vast Piazza, with its yellow toy + tram-cars, and the small crawling figures which cast + inordinately long shadows. All around is a maze of pale + brown roofs, and beyond, the green plain blending on the + horizon with dove-coloured clouds in a quivering violet + haze.</i> CULCHARD <i>is sitting by a small doorway at the + foot of a flight of steps leading to the Spire.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/280.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/280.png" + alt="'She passes on with her chin in the air!'" /> + </a>"She passes on with her chin in the air!" + </div> + + <p><i>Culchard</i> (<i>meditating</i>). I think MAUD must have + seen from the tone in which I said I preferred to remain below, + that I object to that cousin of hers perpetually coming about + with us as he does. She's far too indulgent to him—a + posing, affected prig, always talking about the wonderful + things he's <i>going</i> to write! He had the impudence to tell + me I didn't know the most elementary laws of the sonnet this + morning! Withering repartee seems to have no effect whatever on + him, I wish I had some of PODBURY's faculty for flippant chaff! + I wonder if he and the PRENDERGASTS really are at Milan. I + certainly thought I recognised ——. If they are, + it's very bad taste of them, after the pointed way in which + they left Bellagio. I only hope we shan't—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Here the figure of</i> Miss PRENDERGAST <i>suddenly + emerges from the door</i>; CULCHARD <i>rises and stands + aside to let her pass; she returns his salutation + distantly, and passes on with her chin in the air; her + brother follows, with a side-jerk of recognition.</i> + PODBURY <i>comes last, and halts undecidedly.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>with a rather awkward laugh</i>). Here we + are again, eh? (<i>Looks after</i> Miss P., <i>hesitates, and + finally sits down by</i> CULCHARD.) Where's the fascinating + Miss TROTTER? How do you come to be off duty like this?</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>stiffly</i>). The fascinating Miss TROTTER + is up above with VAN BOODELER, so my services are not + required.</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> Up above? And HYPATIA just gone up with BOB! + Whew, there'll be ructions presently! Well out of it, you and + I! So it's BOODELER's turn now? That's rough on + <i>you</i>—after HYPATIA had whistled poor old BOB off. + As much out in the cold as ever, eh?</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> I am nothing of the kind. I find him + distasteful to me, and avoid him as much as I can, that's all. + I wish, PODBURY, er—I <i>almost</i> wish you could have + stayed with me, instead of allowing the PRENDERGASTS to carry + you off as you did. You would have kept VAN BOODELER in + order.</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> Much obliged, old chap; but I'm otherwise + engaged. Being kept in order myself. Oh, I <i>like</i> it, you + know. She's developing my mind like winking. Spent the whole + morning at the Brera, mugging up these old Italian Johnnies. + They really are clinkers, you know. RAPHAEL, eh?—and + GIOTTO, and MANTEGNA, and all that lot. As HYPATIA says, for + intensity of—er religious feeling, and—and subtlety + of symbolism, and—and so on, they simply take the + cake—romp in, and the rest nowhere! I'm getting quite the + connoisseur, I can tell you!</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> Evidently. I suppose there's no chance of + a—a <i>reconciliation</i> up there? [<i>With some + alarm.</i></p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> Don't you be afraid. When HYPATIA once gets her + quills up, they don't subside so easily! Hallo! isn't this old + TROTTER?</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>That gentleman appears in the doorway.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Mr. T.</i> Why, Mr. PODBURY, so you've come along here? + That's <i>right</i>! And how do you like Milan? I like the + place first-rate—it's a live city, Sir. And I like this + old cathedral, too; it's well constructed—they've laid + out money on it. I call it real ornamental, all these little + figgers they've stuck around—and not two of 'em a pair + either. Now, they might have had 'em all alike, and no one any + the wiser up so high as this; but it certainly gives it more + variety, too, having them different. Well, I'm going up as high + as ever I <i>can</i> go. You two better come along up with + me.</p> + + <h4><i>On the Top.</i></h4> + + <p><i>Miss P.</i> (<i>as she perceives</i> Miss T. <i>and her + companion</i>). Now, BOB, pray remember all I've told you! [BOB + <i>turns away, petulantly.</i></p> + + <p><i>Miss T.</i> (<i>aside, to</i> VAN B.). I guess the air's + got cooler up here, CHARLEY. But if that girl imagines she's + going to freeze <i>me</i>! (<i>Advancing to</i> Miss P.) Why, + my dear, it's almost too sweet for anything, meeting you + again!</p> + + <p><i>Miss P.</i> You're extremely kind, MAUD; I wish I could + return the compliment; but really, after what took place at + Bellagio, I—</p> + + <p><i>Miss T.</i> (<i>taking her arm</i>). Well, I'll own up to + being pretty horrid—and so were you; but there don't seem + any sense in our meeting up here like a couple of strange cats + on tiles. I won't fly out anymore, there! I'm just dying for a + reconciliation; and so is Mr. VAN BOODELER. The trouble I've + had to console that man! He never met anybody before haff so + interested in the great Amurrcan Novel. And he's wearying for + another talk. So you'd better give that hatchet a handsome + funeral, and come along and take pity on him.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[HYP., <i>after a struggle, yields, half-reluctantly, + and allows herself to be taken across to</i> Mr. VAN B., + <i>who greets her effusively</i>. Miss T. <i>leaves them + together.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Bob P.</i> (<i>who has been prudently keeping in the + background till now, decides that his chance has come</i>). How + do you do. Miss TROTTER? It's awfully jolly to meet you again + like this!</p> + + <p><i>Miss. T.</i> Well, I guess that remark would have been + more convincing if you'd made it a few minutes earlier.</p> + + <p><i>Bob</i>. I—I—you see, I didn't know.... I was + afraid—I rather thought—</p> + + <p><i>Miss T.</i> You don't get much further with <i>rather</i> + thinking, as a general rule, than if you didn't think at all. + But if you're at all anxious to run away the way you did at + Bellagio, you needn't be afraid <i>I'll</i> hinder you.</p> + + <p><i>Bob</i>. (<i>earnestly</i>). Run away! <i>Do</i> you + think I'd have gone if—I've felt dull enough ever since, + without <i>that</i>.'</p> + + <p><i>Miss T.</i> Oh, I expect you've had a beautiful time. + <i>We</i> have.</p> + + <p><i>Miss P.</i> (<i>coming up</i>). ROBERT, I thought you + wanted to see the Alps? You should come over to the other side, + and—</p> + + <p><i>Miss T.</i> I'll undertake that he sees the Alps, + darling, presently—when we're through our talk.</p> + + <p><i>Miss P.</i> As you please, dear. But (<i>pointedly</i>) + did I not see Mr. CULCHARD below?</p> + + <p><i>Miss T.</i> You don't mean to say you're wearied of Mr. + VAN BOODELER <i>already</i>! Well, Mr. CULCHARD will be along + soon, and I'll loan him to you. I'll tell him you're vurry + anxious to converse with him some more. He's just coming along + now, with Mr. PODBURY and Poppa.</p> + + <p><i>Miss P.</i> (<i>under her breath</i>). MAUD! if you + <i>dare</i>—!</p> + + <p><i>Miss T.</i> Don't you <i>dare</i> me, then—or + you'll see. But I don't want to be mean unless I'm obliged + to.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[Mr. TROTTER, <i>followed by</i> CULCHARD <i>and</i> + PODBURY, <i>arrives at the upper platform</i>. CULCHARD + <i>and</i> PODBURY <i>efface themselves as much as + possible.</i> Mr. TROTTER <i>greets</i> Miss PRENDERGAST + <i>heartily.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Mr. T.</i> Well now, I call this sociable, meeting all + together again like this. I don't see why in the land we didn't + <i>keep</i> together. I've been saying so to my darter here, + ever since Bellagio—ain't that so, MAUD? And <i>she</i> + didn't know just how it came about either.</p> + + <p><i>Miss P.</i> (<i>hurriedly</i>). We—we had to be + getting on. And I am afraid we must say good-bye now, Mr. + TROTTER. I want BOB and Mr. PODBURY to see the Da Vinci fresco, + you know, before the light goes. (Bob <i>mutters a highly + disrespectful wish concerning that work of Art.</i>) We + <i>may</i> see you again, before we leave for Verona.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. T.</i> Verona? Well, I don't care if I see Verona + myself. Seems a pity to separate now we <i>have</i> met, + <i>don't</i> it? See here, now, we'll <i>all</i> go along to + Verona together—how's that, MAUD? Start whenever + <i>you</i> feel like it, Miss PRENDERGAST. How does that + proposal strike you? I'll be real hurt if you cann't take to my + idea.</p> + + <p><i>Miss T.</i> The fact is, Poppa, HYPATIA isn't just sure + that Mr. PRENDERGAST wouldn't + object.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page281" + id="page281"></a>[pg 281]</span> + + <p><i>Bob P.</i> I—object? Not <i>much</i>! Just what I + should <i>like</i>, seeing Verona with—all + <i>together</i>, you know!</p> + + <p><i>Miss T.</i> Then I guess <i>that's</i> fixed. (<i>Aside, + to</i> Miss P., <i>who is speechless</i>). Come, you haven't + the heart to go and disappoint my poor Cousin CHARLEY by saying + you won't go! He'll be perfectly enchanted to be under + vow—unless you've filled up <i>all</i> the vacancies + already! (<i>Aloud, to</i> VAN B., <i>as he approaches</i>.) + We've persuaded Miss PRENDERGAST to join our party. I hope you + feel equal to entertaining her?</p> + + <p><i>Van B.</i> I shall be proud to be permitted to try. + (<i>To</i> Miss P.) Then I may take it that you agree with me + that the function of the future American fictionist will + be— [<i>They move away, conversing.</i></p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>To</i> CULCH.) I say, old fellow, we're to + be travelling companions again, after all. And a jolly good + thing, too, <i>I</i> think!... eh?</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> Oh, h'm—quite so. That is—but no + doubt it will be an advantage—(<i>with a glance at</i> + Van B., <i>who is absorbed in</i> Miss P.'s + <i>conversation</i>)—in—er—<i>some</i> + respects. (<i>To himself.</i>) Hardly from poor dear PODBURY's + point of view, I'm afraid, though! However, if <i>he</i> sees + nothing—! [<i>He shrugs his shoulders, pityingly.</i></p> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <p>Pocket-books for next year are coming in. Which for choice? + "<i>Solvitur ambulando</i>" should be the resolution of the + difficulty, given by one firm at least, that firm being + "WALKER." They are handy, and conveniently pocketable, but to + "The chiels amang ye taking notes," plain leaves, and no fruit, + and no dates, we should say, would be preferable. They're + reasonable prices, and you can't expect to get 'em for nothing; + if you do—"WALKER!"</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:35%;"> + <a href="images/281-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/281-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>The Baron highly approves of Messrs. DE LA RUE's + pocket-books. It is pleasant to have something in one's pocket, + even if only a book. As to account-books and diaries—well + enter nothing therein but what has been pleasant and + profitable, and most diarians who adopt this rule will not find + their memoranda overcrowded at the end of the year. "Letts be + happy, while we can, and good luck to you, Ladies all, in 1892. + Leap year!" quoth the Baron. "Over you go like the villagers in + the German story, after the sheep, into the sea of matrimony, + where may you all get on swimmingly." <i>À propos</i>, Mesdames + BLYTHE and GAY say that the Christmas Number of <i>Woman</i>, + produced by a number of women, is as full of attractive power + as the Magnetic Lady herself.</p> + + <p>"ARROWSMITH's Shilling Sensational, by 'a New Author,'" + quoth the Baron, "would, methought, serve <i>pour me + distraire</i>." The "New Author" uses the remarkably new device + of a mole on the lost child's breast. Isn't that original? + <i>Miss Box</i> and <i>Miss Cox</i> are lost, and found. "Have + you a mole on your left breast?" "Yes!" "Then it is both of + you!" Charming! So useful is the explanation that "Hanwell is a + little village, a few miles from London." Perhaps it is the + locality, there or thereabouts, where this thrillingly + interesting tale—which could have been told in fifty + pages, and needn't have been told at all—was written. + Well, well, "All's Hanwell that ends Hanwell," and "I've + galloped through a worse story before now," quoth the Baron, + yawning, and so to bed.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/281-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/281-2.png" + alt="Turning over the pages." /></a>Turning over the + pages. + </div> + + <p>In <i>John Leech, His Life and Work</i> (BENTLEY) Mr. FRITH + quotes from an anonymous but obviously not an original + authority, the dictum, "It is the happiness of such a life (as + LEECH's) that there is so little to be told of it." Mr. BENTLEY + has produced two handsome volumes worthy the reputation of his + ancient and honourable house. They enshrine admirable + reproductions of some of LEECH's best work, selected by the + trained hand and sympathetic eye of Mr. FRITH. These are and + will remain the chief attractions of a work to which the Baron, + in common with the civilised world, has been looking forward to + with interest, and of whose realisation he regrets to hear so + disappointing an account from his trusty "Co." It is difficult + to find dates in this higgledy-piggledy chance-medley of facts + and opinions. But we all know that LEECH died in October, 1864. + It was in <i>Mr. Punch's</i> pages that he found the true field + for his heaven-born genius For twenty years at least he was one + of the most prominent, best known, and best liked men in + England. Surely within that period there must lie to the hand + of the dilligent seeker material for a memoir worthy to be + linked with the name of JOHN LEECH. Mr. FRITH has not given us + such a book, and criticism is only partly disarmed by the + comical reiteration of confession that he has failed in his + appointed task. For what he has to say in the way of making + known to the world the man JOHN LEECH, a very thin volume would + have sufficed, even had he included the more useful of his + remarks on LEECH's work and his method. But there being two + volumes to fill, Mr. FRITH genially summarises <i>The + Physiology of Evening Parties</i>, by Mr. ALBERT SMITH; <i>Mr. + Sponge's Sporting Tour</i>, and other not very high-class + literature, whose only claim to being remembered is that LEECH + illustrated them. Of <i>The Marchioness of Brinvilliers</i>, + ALBERT SMITH's attempt to rival the attractions of the + <i>Newgate Calendar</i>, Mr. FRITH positively gives two whole + chapters! He allots one to the <i>Bon Gaultier Ballads</i>, and + nineteen mortal pages to telling the <i>Story of Miss + Kilmansegg</i>, with copious extracts from that easily + accessible work.</p> + + <p>This is not Memoir-writing, it is book-making. The reader + can skip these chapters, and, diligently searching, will find + here and there a ray of light thrown on this beautiful placid + life, weighed down as it was from earliest manhood by family + circumstances at which Mr. FRITH delicately hints. "Give, + give!" was, truly, the cry of the daughters of the horseleach. + There are, however, several other anecdotes contributed by + personal friends of LEECH's, who have come to Mr. FRITH's + assistance, and succeed in the main in making the book an + interesting one, as giving the outside world some glimpses of a + sweet and manly character. The volumes are crowded with + illustrations. These are LEECH's own work, and make the volumes + worth more than their published price.</p> + + <p class="author">THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & CO.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>TO EVANGELINE.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, come and be my Queen,</p> + + <p class="i2">And share my lot</p> + + <p>In some artistic cot</p> + + <p class="i2">At Turnham Green,</p> + + <p class="i8">EVANGELINE!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The painted tambourine</p> + + <p class="i2">Shall grace its wall,</p> + + <p>And many a table small</p> + + <p class="i2">And folding screen</p> + + <p>Shall on its floor be seen,</p> + + <p class="i8">EVANGELINE!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Your beauty's dazzling sheen</p> + + <p class="i2">Upsets me quite—</p> + + <p>Of late my appetite</p> + + <p class="i2">Has wretched been,</p> + + <p class="i8">EVANGELINE!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I shun the soup tureen</p> + + <p class="i2">And pine for you;</p> + + <p>At pudding, joint, and stew</p> + + <p class="i2">My face turns green—</p> + + <p>What do the symptoms mean,</p> + + <p class="i8">EVANGELINE?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>If Fate should come between</p> + + <p class="i2">My Love and me,</p> + + <p>This countenance will be</p> + + <p class="i2">No more serene,</p> + + <p class="i8">EVANGELINE!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>With nitro-glycerine</p> + + <p class="i2">I'll speed my flight,</p> + + <p>Or else I will ignite</p> + + <p class="i2">Some Magazine—</p> + + <p>Some <i>Powder</i> Magazine,</p> + + <p class="i8">EVANGELINE!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>An Aunt at Will.</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[A lawsuit has been occasioned in India through white + ants devouring a will.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>It is usually supposed that Australia is topsey-turvey mad, + but in India it seems that matters also go by contraries, when + compared with their mode of procedure at home. A lawsuit has + been occasioned in Calcutta through white ants devouring a + will. In England our Aunts (who are generally whites) make + wills (bless them!) and <i>we</i> devour them, or at least live + on the proceeds.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page282" + id="page282"></a>[pg 282]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/282.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/282.png" + alt="DEAR CHILD!" /></a> + + <h3>DEAR CHILD!</h3> + + <p><i>Papa</i> (<i>to Friend from Town</i>). "THERE, MY + BOY, THAT'S WHAT YOU OUGHT TO DO! GET A GEE, AND COME OUT + WITH THE HOUNDS!"</p> + + <p><i>Little Daughter</i>. "OH, PAPA, TAKE CARE YOU DON'T + FALL OFF, AS YOU DID THE OTHER DAY!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>KATHLEEN AND PETRUCHIO;</h2> + + <h3>OR, SHAKSPEARE BALFOURISED.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Kathleen</i>. HIBERNIA. <i>Petruchio</i>. Mr. + BALFOUR.</p> + + <p class="i4"><i>Grumio</i>.... Mr. JACKSON.</p> + + <p class="i4"><i>Haberdasher</i>.. Mr. GLADSTONE.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Petruchio</i>. Thus have I politicly begun my + reign,</p> + + <p>And 'tis my hope to end successfully;</p> + + <p>My falcon now is sharp, and passing empty;</p> + + <p>And, till she stoop, she must not be + full-gorg'd,</p> + + <p>For then she never looks upon her lure.</p> + + <p>Another way I have to man my haggard,</p> + + <p>To make her come, and know her keeper's call;</p> + + <p>That is, to watch her, as we watch these kites</p> + + <p>That bate, and beat, and will not be obedient.</p> + + <p>She plays no tricks to-day, nor none shall play;</p> + + <p>Last Session she ruled not, nor shall next + Session;</p> + + <p>Resolute government is the only way</p> + + <p>To smooth these stormy spirits.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i4">All the same,</p> + + <p><i>After</i> the hurly-burly, I intend</p> + + <p>All shall be done in reverend care of her;</p> + + <p>And, in conclusion, she shall have her rights,</p> + + <p>If she will cease to rise, and rail, and brawl,</p> + + <p>And with her clangour keep the world awake.</p> + + <p>This is the way to kill her wrath with kindness,</p> + + <p>And thus I'll curb her mad and headstrong + humour.—</p> + + <p>He that knows better how to tame a shrew,</p> + + <p>Let him speak out! 'Tis time the kingdom knew!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <hr class="short" /> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Kathleen</i>. The more my wrong the more his + smile appears!</p> + + <p>How doth he madden me—and master + me!—</p> + + <p>I—I, who never knew how to submit,</p> + + <p>Nor never fancied that I should submit,—</p> + + <p>Am starved for strife, stupid for lack of + struggle,</p> + + <p>With Law kept bridled, and with Order saddled:</p> + + <p>And that, which spites me more than all these + stints,</p> + + <p>He does it under name of perfect love;</p> + + <p>As who should say, if I should have my will,</p> + + <p>'Twere deadly sickness or else present death.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <hr class="short" /> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Petruchio</i>. KATHLEEN, thou mend'st apace!</p> + + <p class="i4">And now, my love,</p> + + <p>Will we return unto thy father's house,</p> + + <p>And ruffle it as bravely as the best,</p> + + <p>With silken coats, and caps, and golden rings,</p> + + <p>With ruffs, and cuffs, and farthingales, and + things;</p> + + <p>With orange tissue trimmed with true-blue + bravery,</p> + + <p>Eschewing wearing of the green,—that's + knavery.</p> + + <p>See GRUMIO there! He waits thy loving leisure</p> + + <p>To deck thy body with his boxed-up treasure.</p> + + <p>A cap of mine own choice, come fresh from town;</p> + + <p>It will become thee better than a crown.</p> + + <p>'Tis my ideal. (<i>Enter</i> Haberdasher.) + Well—what would <i>you</i>, sirrah?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Haberdasher</i>. Here is the hat the lady did + bespeak!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Petruchio</i>. Why, this was moulded on a foreign + block,</p> + + <p>A Phrygian cap. Fie, fie! 'tis crude and + flaunting.</p> + + <p>Why, 'tis a coal-vase or a bushel-basket,</p> + + <p>A fraud, a toy, a trick, a verdant fool'scap:</p> + + <p>Away with it! Come, let me have a smaller!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Kathleen</i>. I'll have no smaller: this doth fit + the time,</p> + + <p>And gentlewomen wear such hats as these.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Petruchio</i>. When you are gentle, you shall + have one too,</p> + + <p>But of another pattern.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Grumio</i> (<i>aside</i>). Mine, to wit.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Kathleen</i>. Why, Sir, I trust I may have leave + to speak:</p> + + <p>And speak I will. I am no child, no babe:</p> + + <p>Your betters have endured me say my mind,</p> + + <p>And, if you cannot, best you stop your ears.</p> + + <p>My tongue will tell the craving of my heart,</p> + + <p>Or else my heart, concealing it, will break;</p> + + <p>And rather than it shall, I will be free</p> + + <p>E'en to the uttermost,—at least in words!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Petruchio</i>. Why, so thou art. But 'tis a + paltry hat</p> + + <p>This Haberdasher would fob off on thee.</p> + + <p>I love thee well, but <i>he</i>, he loves thee + not.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Kathleen</i>. Love me or love me not, I like the + hat,</p> + + <p>And it I will have, or I will have none.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Grumio</i> (<i>aside</i>). Then is she like to go + bareheaded long!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Left arguing. Sequel—some day.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <p>OUR OLD FRIEND ONCE MORE.—Mrs. RAM has lately taken to + theatre-going. She says, however, that she doesn't much care + about going on first nights of new pieces, as the Stalls are + full of Crickets.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page283" + id="page283"></a>[pg 283]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/283.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/283.png" + alt="KATHLEEN AND PETRUCHIO." /></a> + + <h3>KATHLEEN AND PETRUCHIO.</h3> + + <p>KATHLEEN. "I'LL HAVE NO SMALLER; THIS DOTH FIT THE TIME. + AND GENTLEWOMEN WEAR SUCH HATS AS THESE."</p> + + <p>PETRUCHIO. "WHEN YOU ARE GENTLE, YOU SHALL HAVE ONE TOO, + BUT—OF ANOTHER FASHION."—<i>Shakspeare + Balfourised</i>.</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page285" + id="page285"></a>[pg 285]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/285-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/285-1.png" + alt="The G.O.M. Illuminated by a Ray of Sunlight (Soap)." /> + </a>The G.O.M. Illuminated by a Ray of Sunlight (Soap). + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>PAUL PRY IN THE PURPLE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Extracts from Letters found in a German + Post-bag.</i>)</h4> + + <h4><i>To a Bishop.</i></h4> + + <p>It has occurred to me that your sermons are not quite as + good as they should be. You do not seem to grasp your subject + with sufficient strength. I have not time to come to listen to + you, as I have other pressing engagements, and consequently + write from hearsay. Still, I believe I have good reason for my + strictures. However, that you may have an excellent example + upon which to model your discourses in the future, I will + myself visit your cathedral at a near date, and occupy your + pulpit. I will wire ten minutes before I arrive with my + sermon.</p> + + <h4><i>To a General.</i></h4> + + <p>I congratulate you upon the success of the recent + manoeuvres. Nothing could have been finer than the manner in + which the entire Army saluted me on my approach. Perhaps the + bands might have played the National Anthem half-an-hour longer + or so, but for all that, the effect was excellent. And now I + have got a really splendid idea. And you must help me. I want + to order all the troops to another part of the country without + telling their officers, and then, when they least expect it, + you and I will order a general assembly. It will be such a joke + to see the commanders when they appear on parade without any + soldiers! They will be so surprised! And sha'n't we laugh! But + mind, not a word to anyone until we have had our fun. As an old + soldier who has deserved well of his Fatherland, I rely on your + discretion.</p> + + <h4><i>To a Theatrical Manager.</i></h4> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:15%;"> + <a href="images/285-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/285-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>I was at the performances in your play-house the other + evening, and, as I told you at the time, was not at all + satisfied with the representation. I informed you that when I + had time I would jot down my complaints, and I am now keeping + my promise. I don't like the costume of the Tragedy + Queen—her heels are too high and why does she wear + gloves? The Low Comedian does not make the most of his part. He + has to walk about with a band-box. Now why does he not seize + the opportunity to place it on a chair and sit upon it? This + would have a very comical effect. I have seen it done, and it + made me laugh. Please let him sit upon the band-box for the + future. If he sits down accidentally the effect will be + heightened. It will be very funny. By the way, let all the + box-keepers give programmes free of charge to officers and + ladies under forty. I shall soon be at the theatre again to + attend a rehearsal. I will wire ten minutes before I come, so + that you may have proper time to call your company together. + Till then, you incompetent sausage, you can enjoy your Lager + and pipe in peace!</p> + + <h4><i>To a Doctor.</i></h4> + + <p>I have been reading some of the Medical Journals, and I am + not quite sure whether I think your manner of cutting off a leg + is the proper way. It may be, but, on the other hand, it may + not. Before you cut off another leg communicate with me, and I + will fix a date (as early as I can—probably within six + months), when I can see your patient, and give you my opinion. + By the way, do not go your rounds until you hear from me, as I + may want to see you at any time.</p> + + <h4><i>To a Coach-builder.</i></h4> + + <p>You don't know how to make a carriage. The other day I + thought of a capital idea, but, for the moment, cannot remember + it. However, I fancy it had something to do with square wheels. + At any rate you had better not make any more carriages until I + call. I will come as soon as I can—probably before Spring + twelvemonths.</p> + + <h4><i>To a Relative.</i></h4> + + <p>Had not time to answer your letter before. I do not in the + least agree with you. I hate people who do not mind their own + business. Why not attend to your own, and leave mine alone? If + you do not take care, <i>I will arrange to visit you in + State!</i> So you had better mind what you are about!</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>PROGRAMME OF THE CYCLOPÆDIC CIRCUS.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Under the Immediate Patronage of Lord + Salisbury.</i>)</h4> + + <p>The Members of the School Board of Little Peddlington have + the honour to announce that, in deference to the expressed + opinion of the</p> + + <h4>PREMIER OF THE UNITED KINGDOM,</h4> + + <p>that it would be wise to substitute Circuses for + school-rooms in the provinces, have arranged for the holding + of</p> + + <h3>A GRAND SCHOLASTIC GALA,</h3> + + <p>on a scale of unprecedented magnificence. The Members have + engaged, at considerable expense, that admirable Artist,</p> + + <h4>THE COURIER OF BOTH THE GLOBES,</h4> + + <p>who will, during a rapid ride on a retired cab-horse, + exhibit and explain a series of gigantic maps of</p> + + <h4>EUROPE, ASIA, AFRICA, AND AMERICA.</h4> + + <p>This Star Artist will be followed by that talented + <i>troupe</i> of relatives who for many years have drawn + enormous crowds to their performances under the assumed but + appropriate name of</p> + + <h4>THE BOUNDING BROTHERS OF THE SPELLING-BEES.</h4> + + <p>They will go through their marvellous feats in tossing + barrels (bearing on their sides painted letters), and thus + combining amusement with instruction. Their last act will be to + keep in simultaneous motion a sufficient number of labelled + milk-cans to spell the sentence, "Farewell to all kind friends + in front." This marvellous double quartette will be followed + by</p> + + <h4>THE ARITHMETICAL BICYCLIST,</h4> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:19%;"> + <a href="images/285-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/285-3.png" + alt="The Arithmetical Bicyclist." /></a> + </div> + + <p>who will ride his favourite two-wheeled vehicle while he + sings a song introducing in a pleasing manner the + Multiplication Table. This sweet-toned vocalist will be + succeeded by</p> + + <h4><i>The Star-loving Pig attended by Comical + Herschel.</i></h4> + + <p>In which the former will spell out (with the assistance of + card-board letters) a number of interesting astronomical facts + at the instigation of his mirth-provoking master and + proprietor. This talented performer will be followed by</p> + + <h4>THE UNIVERSAL KNOWLEDGE QUADRILLE.</h4> + + <p>In which the entire <i>troupe</i> will appear on horseback, + and go through the programme of studies (proficiency in which + is required by the Tenth Standard) without a single + mistake.</p> + + <p>The performances will then be brought to an appropriate and + jubilant conclusion by</p> + + <h4><i>A Silver Collection in aid of the Rates!</i></h4> + <hr /> + + <p>QUEER QUERIES.—OUR DEFENCES.—I am informed that + Mr. STANHOPE is expected shortly to go abroad, "in order to + recruit." Can even the blindest military optimist any longer + deny that the British Army is a nefarious imposture, when the + Minister for War is forced into an ignominious attempt to raise + a body of foreign mercenaries by his own personal efforts?</p> + + <p class="author">HALF-PAY PATRIOT.</p> + + <p>SCIENTIFIC.—Could you kindly tell me what "the Great + Ice Age" means? My Pater took me to hear some fellow lecture + about it the other day, but I couldn't understand much of what + he said. I thought he was going to talk about strawberry ices + and lemon ices, which I like awfully, but he didn't even + mention them! Don't you think <i>twelve</i> is the great Ice + Age—I mean the age when boys ought to be allowed to eat + as many as they like? N.B.—I am just twelve.</p> + + <p class="author">TOMMY</p> + <hr /> + + <p>WORTH SEEING.—"We understand that to the Exhibition of + "Instruments of Torture," and now on view in London, have been + lately added the Medici Collar, a Piano Organ, and a + "Shakspeare for the use of Schools."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MEM. BY "THE OFFICIAL RECEIVER."—"Firm as a Rock" will + not be henceforth a proverb of universal application.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page286" + id="page286"></a>[pg 286]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/286.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/286.png" + alt="ELECTION FEVER. A VICTIM'S VICISSITUDES." /></a> + + <h3>ELECTION FEVER. A VICTIM'S VICISSITUDES.</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page287" + id="page287"></a>[pg 287]</span> + + <h2>TRAN-SLATED.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Being a newly-discovered fragment of an old Greek Play, + supposed to be a very early</i> "<i>Agamemnon</i>.")</h4> + <hr class="short" /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Cly.</i> The coals I bought as Wallsend are not + so.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Ag.</i> Thus groundless hopes vanish—like + coals in smoke.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Cly.</i> You speak in words Mysterious, lacking + sense.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Ag.</i> The sense is patent to the reasoning + mind.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Cly.</i> And yet I paid for them upon the + nail.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Ag.</i> What matter, if the price was far too + low?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Cly.</i> Then call you eighteen shillings low for + coal?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Ag.</i> Yes, for "Prime Wallsend"—what + could you expect?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Cly.</i> Listen! In passing 'long the public + way</p> + + <p class="i2">I saw a notice telling of these + coals.</p> + + <p class="i2">It called them "ever-burning": said no + skill</p> + + <p class="i2">Could put them out when once they were + alight,</p> + + <p class="i2">Because they were "the best the world + produced."</p> + + <p class="i2">I purchased some. Ai! ai! They turned out + slates.</p> + + <p class="i2">My household maidens by Prometheus + swear</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>They</i> never saw such stuff for + lighting fires.</p> + + <p class="i2">What of it is not slag, that part is + slate,</p> + + <p class="i2">And slated should they be that sold it + me.</p> + + <p class="i2">Moreover, when with anger I remarked</p> + + <p class="i2">To those who bore the sacks upon their + backs,</p> + + <p class="i2">Within our cellars to deposit them,</p> + + <p class="i2">That they had better bear their loads + away</p> + + <p class="i2">Seeing I ordered coals, not lumps of + slate,</p> + + <p class="i2">They answered that, if they refused to + burn,</p> + + <p class="i2">They might be useful for a Rockery!</p> + + <p class="i2">So now <i>they</i> have the shillings, + <i>I</i> the coals.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Ag.</i> And having them, we have no household + fires.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Cly.</i> What then to do? <i>You</i> sit with + idle hands.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Ag.</i> I cannot turn to Wallsend bits of + slag.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Cly.</i> But you can seek the Archon, and + denounce</p> + + <p class="i2">The man whose cunning robs our hearth of + flame.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Ag.</i> (<i>going out</i>). In what you say not + nothing I perceive.</p> + + <p class="i2">Women, in hunting cheapness, capture + costs.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <h4>CHORUS. STROPHE.</h4> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i4">The puny race of men</p> + + <p class="i4">Soars, in imagination, to the skies;</p> + + <p class="i4">While tackling Science and Theosophy</p> + + <p class="i4">Their hands the coal-scoop grasp!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <h4>CHORUS. ANTISTROPHE.</h4> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i4">From high Olympus Zeus</p> + + <p class="i4">Smiles at the perjuries of + coal-heavers.</p> + + <p class="i4">Not always is the cheapest article</p> + + <p class="i4">The one that turns out best.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/287-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/287-1.png" + alt="THINGS ONE WOULD WISH TO HAVE EXPRESSED DIFFERENTLY." /> + </a> + + <h3>THINGS ONE WOULD WISH TO HAVE EXPRESSED + DIFFERENTLY.</h3>"WELL, GOOD-BYE, MISS SMITH. TELL THE + OTHERS I WAS VERY SORRY NOT TO FIND ANYONE AT + HOME—A—A—A—EXCEPT YOU—A!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>A BOARD-SCHOOL CHRISTMAS.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>An Anticipation of the not very Distant + Future.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/287-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/287-2.png" + alt="Reading newspapers at their Club." /></a> + </div> + + <p>It was a very unseasonable Yule-tide. Instead of the + old-fashioned mild weather that had been the constant companion + of Christmas for many years, the ground was covered with snow + and the river blocked with ice. However, thanks to modern + improvements, the artisans had not been impeded in executing + their four hours of labour as provided by a recent statute. + They had been sitting at their Club (supported by the State), + reading the newspapers purchased out of the rates, and were + only annoyed that no food and drink was supplied them free + gratis and for nothing.</p> + + <p>"It would never do," said an old workman, who remembered the + eight-hour day that used to prevail at the end of the + Nineteenth Century. "You see were we to have beer at will, the + brewers' draymen might complain. It was once attempted, but the + Licensed Victuallers made such a disturbance that the idea was + abandoned."</p> + + <p>"There is something in what you say," observed a second + workman; "but, for the life of me, I don't see why the Nation + shouldn't provide bread."</p> + + <p>"No, there you are out!" cried a third. "I am a baker, and + anything that interferes with my industry won't do."</p> + + <p>And so they talked, discussing this and that, until all the + subjects of the leaders in the daily papers had been exhausted. + It was then that one of the workmen suggested a walk and a pipe + on the Embankment.</p> + + <p>So they lounged down the main thoroughfare of London, with + its pleasant <i>cafés</i> and well-appointed + <i>restaurants</i>, and came to the conclusion (for the + fiftieth time) that it was far better than anything of the same + kind in Paris, or any other of the capitals of Europe. They had + all been abroad during their State-assisted vacation, and + consequently had the chief towns of the world, so to speak, at + their finger-tips. As they sauntered along, they came to a + group of half-starved, perambulating performers, who were + giving an entertainment to a crowd of bystanders. It was not a + good programme. First a young woman in rags, played on an old + piano, with decent precision, some extremely difficult + variations of CHOPIN's <i>Funeral March</i>. She was followed + by a man who painted a portrait of a leading statesman + indifferently well. Then another man jumped into the river, and + made his way in the cold water with the ease of a fifth-rate + professional swimmer. Then a second young woman recited + something or other in German, with an atrocious English accent. + And the whole concluded with a lecture upon chemistry (given by + a seedy-looking old man), which was illustrated with some + ambitious, but feeble experiments.</p> + + <p>On the balance the performance was a bore, and the public + were rather pleased than otherwise, when a police constable + ordered the <i>troupe</i> "to move on." The poor people + gathered together their <i>impedimenta</i> and prepared to obey + the officer's behest. It was then that the performers came face + to face with the artisans. There was a cry of recognition.</p> + + <p>"Why, would you believe it!" exclaimed one of the workmen, + "if it isn't SALLY JONES, and TOMMY BROWN, and NORAH JENKINS, + and HARRY SMITH!"</p> + + <p>The well-fed and the starving cordially greeted one another. + Then there were mutual explanations, and the old man who had + lectured upon chemistry had his + say:—</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page288" + id="page288"></a>[pg 288]</span> + + <p>"You want to know why we are all starving, and why we are so + much worse off than you, although we were educated at the same + Board School? I will tell you. It was because you very wisely + made up your minds to follow the occupations of your fathers. + You became builders, bakers, coal-heavers and paviors.</p> + + <p>"Ah, we did that," sighed out the elderly workman, "because + we were too backward to attempt anything better. We were not + clever people like you! We couldn't play the piano, and paint + and swim, and go in for chemistry. We were not clever enough, + and had to put up with passing a very low standard."</p> + + <p>"Thank your lucky stars it was so," exclaimed the chemist, + with tears in his eyes, "for your fate is happier than ours. We + are all fifth-rate, and can do nothing else. We have no chance + against those who have been born to this kind of thing, and we + have forgotten how to do your work. So we are starving, + and—"</p> + + <p>But here the old man was interrupted by a policeman, who + ordered all of them to move on. And on they moved. Half one way + and half the other.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR OWN FINANCIAL COLUMN.</h2> + + <p>"CROESUS" has vanished! We can scarcely find it in our heart + to add anything to this distressing statement; but for the sake + of our readers whom he may have induced to patronise his + financial schemes, we give a few slight details of the + disaster.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/288-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/288-1.png" + alt="Portrait of 'Croesus.'" /></a>Portrait of + "Croesus." + </div> + + <p>Four days ago enormous piles of letters began to arrive at + our office. They were addressed to "CROESUS," and had been sent + on to us from his last address marked "gone away; try office of + <i>Punch</i>." We opened them. They were all threatening + letters.</p> + + <p>"Why," wrote one angry gentleman, "have I heard nothing from + you since I sent you my cheque for £10,000? Unless I receive a + reply within a week, legal proceedings will be taken." The rest + were similar in tone. Thereupon we resolved to call at the last + address given to us by "CROESUS." It was somewhere in the Mile + End Road. We arrived, entered, ascended the stairs, and found + in a dingy back bed-room, three used half-penny stamps, a false + nose, a pair of whiskers, and a large sheet of paper on which + were written only these words: "Sold Again"—which + obviously referred to some financial scheme or other. On + inquiring of the landlady, we heard that her lodger had + departed two days before, taking with him two large and heavy + wooden chests. He had promised to return. We then consulted the + police. They are very reticent, but consider they have got a + clue.</p> + + <p>And here we owe it to our readers to make a confession. We + have never set eyes on "CROESUS." We engaged him entirely on + the strength of the most glowing recommendations from a whole + bevy of Bank-Managers, including the Managers of the Bank of + Lavajelli, of the Pei-ho Provinces, of Samarcand, of Ashanti + and of Dodge County, U.S.A. All these gentlemen wrote in the + most complimentary terms of "CROESUS." "He is a man," wrote the + Manager of the Dodge County Bank, "whom I have had the honour + to know intimately for a considerable number of years. Indeed, + we were educated together, and not a day has passed since then + without our meeting. I beg to state that I consider him + thoroughly fitted for the responsible position of financial + director of a high-class Metropolitan paper. His personal + appearance is aristocratic and prepossessing, his manners have + about them a distinction which impresses all who meet him, and + his dress, though modest, is always pleasing. His complete + command of twenty-four languages must be of the highest + advantage to him in unravelling the tangled skein of + international finance." Acting upon such testimonials we + engaged "CROESUS." We have now reason to believe that we have + been made the victims of a gross and cruel deception. An expert + in handwriting, whom we have consulted, gives it as his + opinion, that every single one of these recommendations is in + the handwriting of "CROESUS" himself, and the police, after + protracted inquiries, have assured us that the Banks, whose + supposed managers addressed us in favour of "CROESUS," never + had any actual existence at all.</p> + + <p>All we can do now is to assist justice by publishing + herewith the photograph of "CROESUS." We apologise to all whom + he may have deceived, but we do not hold ourselves responsible + for any damage he has caused. We shall publish no more + financial contributions in the meantime.</p> + + <p class="author">ED.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>ENGLISH AS SHE IS SUNG.</h2> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:18%;"> + <a href="images/288-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/288-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>MR. PUNCH, SIR,—If I start a butcher's business, and + give my shop the special title of The <i>Welsh</i> Meat Shop, + is the great British Public so narrow-minded as to expect me to + sell them only Welsh meat, the produce of Welsh farms only? If + so, the Public, with all due respect, is a hass. For if I who + have to live,—though perhaps others may not see the + necessity for my existence,—by my trade, find that the + Welsh meat, which the Public had expected to be ready and + waiting, is not forthcoming, only one of two things can I do; + the one is to shut up shop (which I won't), and the other is to + provide my intending customers with French, Indian, English, + Irish, Scotch, American, Australian, New Zealandian, Cape + Colonial, in fact with any meat I can get from anywhere, and as + long as it is toothsome, and I can afford to sell it at an + average price, why should it not be sold at my Royal Welsh Meat + Shop?</p> + + <p>When I call my shop The Royal Welsh Meat Shop, do I thereby + bar myself from dealing in English or foreign meats? Do I bar + myself from dealing in Indian pickles or China oranges? No, + certainly not; nor do I bar myself from selling neckties, + gloves, ginger-beer, and Brazil nuts. So, when a House of + Musical Entertainment is styled The English Opera House, it + must be understood, "all to the contrary nevertheless and + notwithstanding," to mean an English House where Opera may be + performed, and not a Theatre where only English Opera is + Housed. "My soul can not be fettered," as the poet + says,—what poet, I don't know and don't care, but he said + it, whoever he was, and <i>he was right</i>. If there is no + English Opera for my House, then I get a French Opera, or a + Dutch one, just as at an oyster-shop—but perhaps this is + not quite the illustration I should like, as, at an + oyster-shop, they <i>do</i> ask you which you will have, + "Natives," or "Seconds," or "Anglo-Dutch"; and, when you can't + afford Natives, you put up with an inferior quality at a lesser + price. But if that oyster-seller called his shop "The + Native-Oyster Shop," should I have any ground of action against + him for selling any other oysters except Natives? No. But then + he would ask me "If I wanted Natives or not?" And if I said + "Yes," he would give me Natives. Now I admit I do not ask the + Public at the doors Which will you have? because I may not be + able to have an English Opera always on tap, so to speak. + Metaphors a bit confused, but you know what I mean. If I had a + few English Operas on tap I might turn 'em on, say, on Mondays, + Wednesdays and Fridays: English Opera by English Composers on + those days, and on the other days, any Operas by any Composers. + But if the Public <i>won't</i> come on the English Opera + nights, and <i>will</i> come on the other nights? What then? + Why obviously I must keep my Natives (if I have any) in a + barrel, and deal only with the foreign supply. "Blame not the + Bard"—I mean blame not the patriotic man of business, but + let our cry be "Art for Art's sake," and the English Opera for + ever! that is, as long as Art and English Opera pay.</p> + + <p class="author">Yours,<br /> + A MANAGER FIRST AND ANYTHING YOU LIKE AFTERWARDS.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>LATEST FROM SHOTSHIRE.—The only appropriate beverage + for a Sportsman out shooting,—why "Pop" to be sure.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14165 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/14165-h/images/277.png b/14165-h/images/277.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4efb9bd --- /dev/null +++ b/14165-h/images/277.png diff --git a/14165-h/images/278.png b/14165-h/images/278.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9cdc173 --- /dev/null +++ b/14165-h/images/278.png diff --git a/14165-h/images/279.png b/14165-h/images/279.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7367e99 --- /dev/null +++ b/14165-h/images/279.png diff --git a/14165-h/images/280.png b/14165-h/images/280.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..2812ab5 --- /dev/null +++ b/14165-h/images/280.png diff --git a/14165-h/images/281-1.png b/14165-h/images/281-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..73a55e9 --- /dev/null +++ b/14165-h/images/281-1.png diff --git a/14165-h/images/281-2.png b/14165-h/images/281-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..1cafd76 --- /dev/null +++ b/14165-h/images/281-2.png diff --git a/14165-h/images/282.png b/14165-h/images/282.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..fa78938 --- /dev/null +++ b/14165-h/images/282.png diff --git a/14165-h/images/283.png b/14165-h/images/283.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ced3262 --- /dev/null +++ b/14165-h/images/283.png diff --git a/14165-h/images/285-1.png b/14165-h/images/285-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..fa03000 --- /dev/null +++ b/14165-h/images/285-1.png diff --git a/14165-h/images/285-2.png b/14165-h/images/285-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b8d1b4d --- /dev/null +++ b/14165-h/images/285-2.png diff --git a/14165-h/images/285-3.png b/14165-h/images/285-3.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..08da64f --- /dev/null +++ b/14165-h/images/285-3.png diff --git a/14165-h/images/286.png b/14165-h/images/286.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b67dff8 --- /dev/null +++ b/14165-h/images/286.png diff --git a/14165-h/images/287-1.png b/14165-h/images/287-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..890ef31 --- /dev/null +++ b/14165-h/images/287-1.png diff --git a/14165-h/images/287-2.png b/14165-h/images/287-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8a4b545 --- /dev/null +++ b/14165-h/images/287-2.png diff --git a/14165-h/images/288-1.png b/14165-h/images/288-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..2f35980 --- /dev/null +++ b/14165-h/images/288-1.png diff --git a/14165-h/images/288-2.png b/14165-h/images/288-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..fe1c4d8 --- /dev/null +++ b/14165-h/images/288-2.png diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..91ec9dc --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #14165 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/14165) diff --git a/old/14165-8.txt b/old/14165-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..efeb442 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14165-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1701 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101, +December 12, 1891, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101, December 12, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 26, 2004 [EBook #14165] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 101. + + + +December 12, 1891. + + + + +LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS. + +NO. VIII.--TO LAZINESS. + +BEST (AND BEST-ABUSED) OF ABSTRACTIONS, + +My heart positively warms to you as I write. At this precise moment I +can think of a hundred different things that I ought to be doing. For +instance, I have not written to TOM, who is in the wilds of Canada, +for months. His last letter ended with a pathetic appeal for an +answer. + +"Never mind, old chap," he said, "about not having any news. Little +details that you may think too insignificant to relate are bound to +interest me in this deserted spot. I am sure you occasionally meet I +some of our friends of the old days. Tell them I often think of them +and all the fun we used to have together. It all seems like a dream to +me now. Let me know what any of them are doing. I heard six months ago +from a fellow who was touring out here that JACK BUMPUS was married. +If it is really our old JACK, congratulate him, and give him my love. +I don't know his present address. But, whatever you do, write. A +letter from you is like water in the desert." + +[Illustration] + +When I read that letter I became full of the noblest resolutions. Not +another day should pass, I vowed, before I answered it. So I prepared +a great many sheets of thin note-paper, carefully selected a clean nib +and sat down at my writing-table to begin. As I did so my eyes fell +upon _Martin Chuzzlewit_, which was lying within easy reach. The book +seemed positively to command me to read it for the tenth time. I took +it up, and in another moment _Mrs. Gamp_ had taken possession of +me. My writing-chair was uncomfortable. I transferred myself into an +arm-chair. Is it necessary to add that I did not write to TOM? His +letter is getting frayed and soiled from being constantly in my +pocket. Day after day it accompanies me on my daily round, unanswered +and seemingly unanswerable. For I feel it to be a duty to write, and +my mind abhors a duty. The letter weighs upon my conscience like lead. +A few strokes of the pen would remove the burden, but I simply cannot +screw myself up to the task. That is one of the things I ought to do. + +Again, ought I not to call on the WHITTLESEAS? Mr. and Mrs. WHITTLESEA +have simply overflowed with kindness towards me. I never enjoyed +anything more than the week I spent at their house in Kent a short +time ago. They are now in town, and, what is more, they know that I am +in town too. Of course I ought to call. It's my plain duty, and that +is, as far as I can tell, the only reason which absolutely prevents +me from calling upon that hospitable family. Why need I go through +the long list of my pressing duties? I ought to write my article on +"Modern Theosophy: A Psychological Parallel," for the next number of +_The Brain_. I ought to visit my dentist; I ought to have my hair +cut. But I shall do none of these things. On the other hand, it is +absolutely unnecessary that I should write to you. No evil would +befall me if I waited another year, or even omitted altogether to +write to you. And that is the precise reason why I am now addressing +you. As a matter of fact, I like you. As I have already said, the +performance of strict duties is irksome to me. It is you, my dear +LAZINESS, who forbid me to perform them, and thus save me from many an +uncongenial task. That is why I like you. + +And, after all, the common abuse of you is absurd. I have heard grave +and industrious persons declare emphatically that any one who allows +himself to fall under your sway debars himself utterly from every +chance of success. Fiddlesticks! I snap my fingers at such folly. +What do these gentlemen say to the case of FIGTREE, the great Q.C.? +Everybody knows that FIGTREE is, without exception, the most indolent +man in the world. Let any doubter walk down Middle Temple Lane and +ask the first young barrister he meets what he thinks of FIGTREE. I +am ready to wager my annual income that the reply will be, "What, Old +FIGTREE! Why, he's the laziest man at the Bar. I thought everybody +knew that." I may be told, of course, that FIGTREE appears in all the +big cases--that his management of them is extraordinarily successful; +that the Judges defer to him; that his speech in the Camberwell +poisoning case lasted a day and a half, and is acknowledged to be a +masterpiece of forensic eloquence, fit to rank with the best efforts +of ERSKINE; that his fees always exceed ten thousand pounds a year and +that his book on _Fines and Recoveries_ is a monument of industry. All +this I shall hear from some member of the outside public, who does not +know his FIGTREE. But the fact remains. FIGTREE is the most indolent +being alive. I doubt if he can be induced to read a brief before he +goes into Court. Many are the tales told by those who have been his +juniors of the marvellous skill and address with which FIGTREE has +time after time extricated himself from awkward situations into which +he had been led by his ignorance of the details of the case in which +he happened to be engaged. In the sensational libel case of _Bagwell_ +v. _Muter_, FIGTREE, as you must remember, appeared for the defendant. +When the plaintiff's Junior Counsel had opened the pleadings, FIGTREE +actually got up, and, had not his own Junior pulled him down, he would +then and there have opened the case for the plaintiff. Yet FIGTREE's +cross-examination of that same plaintiff, travelling as it did over +a long period of time, and dealing with a most complicated story, in +which dates were of the first importance, is still cited by those who +heard it as the most remarkable display of its kind which the English +Courts have afforded for years past. Whether the unfortunate BAGWELL, +whom it showed conclusively to be a swindler and an impostor, has an +equal admiration for it, I know not, nor is he, I fancy, likely to +tell us, even when he returns from the prison which is now the scene +of his labours. How FIGTREE, who at the outset did not even know on +which side he appeared, managed in the time at his command to master +this intricate case, must ever remain a mystery. HARRY ADDLESTONE, +his Junior, is accustomed to talk darkly of a marvellous chronological +analysis of the case which he had prepared for his leader, and +evidently wishes me to believe that he, rather than FIGTREE, is to be +credited with the success achieved. But the Solicitors have not yet +withdrawn their confidence from FIGTREE to transfer it to ADDLESTONE. + +Here, then, is an instance of a perfectly indolent man rising higher +and higher every year on the ladder of professional advancement. I +can only attribute it, my dear LAZINESS, to your beneficent influence, +which preserves the great barrister from the weary labours to which +his rivals daily submit. They say of him that he knows nothing of +law. If I grant that, it merely proves that a knowledge of law is not +required for success in the profession of the law. The deduction is +dangerous, but obvious, and I recommend it warmly to all who are about +to be called to the Bar. + +I don't think I have anything more to say to you to-day; indeed, I +know that you would be the last to desire that the writing of this +letter should he in any way irksome to me. Besides, it is five o'clock +P.M. My arm-chair invites me. I feel tired, and, that being so, I +am convinced it would he an act of pedantic folly to deny myself the +sweet refreshment of half-an-hour's sleep. Farewell, kindly one. I +shall always rejoice to honour you, and celebrate your praise. + +Yours, with all goodwill, DIOGENES ROBINSON. + +P.S.--I reopen this letter to say that I have just read in an evening +paper a terrible account of the total destruction by a tornado of +the town in Canada which was poor TOM's place of exile. "The loss +of life," it is added, "has been great, and several Englishmen are +amongst the victims." No names are given. Good gracious! If TOM has +indeed perished, how am I ever to forgive myself for neglecting him? +What must he have thought of me? I curse myself in vain for my--bah! +What is the use of telling you this? The same paper informs me, in the +elegant language appropriate to these occasions, that "Mr. FIGTREE, +Q.C., has been offered, and has accepted, the vacant Lord-Justiceship +of Appeal." + + * * * * * + + +AN OPPORTUNITY.--A Lyme Regis Correspondent sends us the following +advertisement, found, he says, in the _Bridport News_; we omit dates +and names:-- + + ---- will SELL by AUCTION, Three Fine DAIRY COWS to calve + _respectfully_ in Dec., April, and May next. An excellent + double-feeding chaff-cutter, &c. + +A respectful cow will no doubt fulfil her engagements honorably. "A +double-feeding chaff-cutter" ought to be an acquisition to a fast set +on a coach at the Derby, though of course his "double-feeding" powers +would have to be amply provided for at luncheon time. + + * * * * * + +"The nearest thing to 'setting the Thames on fire,'" said a quiet +traveller by the Underground, "is the announcement which you will now +see at the St. James's Park Station:--'A LIGHT HERE FOR NIAGARA.'" +"Why," exclaimed an irate passenger to the timid suggestion of +the above, "of course it doesn't mean _that_." Then he added, +contemptuously, "Get out!" Which he did. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: RUSTICUS EXPECTANS. (NEW POLITICAL VERSION OF AN OLD +FABLE.)] + + * * * * * + +RUSTICUS EXPECTANS; + +_OR, THE NEW DUMBLEDUMDEARY._ + + "Rusticus expectat, dum defluat amnis; at ille + Labitur, et labetur in omne volubilis ævum." + +HORACE. + +AIR--"_DUMBLEDUMDEARY_." + + In the fall of the year, when M.P.'s were about, + And speeches burst forth like a waterspout, + HODGE took up his bundle, and caught up his staff, + And went for a walk--if you please, don't laugh!-- + Singing dumbledumdeary, dumbledumdeary, + Dumble, dumble, dumbledumdee! + + Oh, HODGE had put on his bettermost smock, + And wore his billycock gaily a-cock; + For HODGE nowadays is a person of note, + And great Governments bow to the "hind,"--with a vote. + Singing dumbledumdeary, &c. + + So he strolled on wi'out dread or fear + Of Squoire or Parson, or County Peer, + For the spouting M.P. and the Liberal Van + Had made of the shock-headed joskin a Man! + Singing dumbledumdeary, &c. + + With promises stuffed, and with hope inspired, + HODGE walked, and walked till he felt quite tired; + So he sat himself down on the bank of a stream, + And, falling asleep, dreamed a wonderful dream. + Singing dumbledumdeary, &c. + + The old, old stream was no longer the brook + Where he'd angled for minnows with worm and hook; + It swelled and swirled, and its rippling voice + Was changed to loud echoes of platform noise. + Singing dumbledumdeary, &c. + + And it seemed to address him, "How long, friend HODGE, + In a smock you will slave, in a pig-stye lodge? + The Town revolts, but the landlord crew + Still rule the rustics. What can you do?" + Singing dumbledumdeary, &c. + + "Oh, I can reap, and I can sow; + And I can plough, and I can mow; + And, as Lord RIPON doth treuly say, + _I can yarn my eighteen-pence a day_!" + Singing dumbledumdeary, &c. + + "Oh, that," cried the Voices, "will never do! + HODGE now must have freedom, and comfort too, + And Village Councils, Allotments, and Larks! + Though the Landlords take fright for their Manors and Parks," + Singing dumbledumdeary, &c. + + "No more must he live like a pig in a stye, + Or _we_ (Tory _Codlir_, Rad _Short_) will know why. + And if you'll consent just to vote for _us_ now, + We'll put a new tune to your old 'Speed the Plough!'" + Singing dumbledumdeary, &c. + + Then HODGE, slightly puzzled, beheld (in his dream) + A legion of faces that flowed with the stream. + "There's two WILLIAMS, and JOEY, and JESSE!" he cried, + "SOLLY, BALFY, and JOKIM talk, too, from the tide,--" + Singing dumbledumdeary, &c. + + "They're making a vast sight o' noise, and I fear, + Whilst they all shout together, their _meaning's_ scarce clear. + They all drift one way, though, out yonder I'll sit! + And wait till the shindying slackens a bit." + Singing dumbledumdeary, &c. + + So HODGE, like old HORACE's Rustic, still waits + Till the waters flow by, or their turmoil abates; + And then hopes to reach "Happy Home" o'er that stream. + Let _us_ hope that he mayn't find it _only_ a dream! + Singing dumbledumdeary, dumbledumdeary, + Dumble, dumble, dumbledumdee! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE TRIALS OF AN ANXIOUS "JUNIOR." + +PROMPTING A DEAF AND TESTY "CHIEF" IN OPEN COURT IS NOT HIS IDEA OF +PERFECT BLISS.] + + * * * * * + +"DICK" POWER. + +When the House of Commons meets in February, it will find many vacant +places. Save, perhaps, on that sacred to the memory of OLD MORALITY, +none will draw towards it such sorrowful glances as the bench below +the Gangway, where, last Session, DICK POWER's smiling face was +found. Everyone in the House knew "DICK," and all liked him--a +modest-mannered, merry-hearted man, whom a strange destiny had not +only dragged into political life, but, as Whip of the Parnellite +Party, had made him the official representative of a body for the most +part socially unknown, and disliked with a fervour happily not often +imported into Parliamentary warfare. DICK POWER, whilst never swerving +by a hair's breadth from loyalty to his colleagues and his leader, +so bore himself that he was welcome in any Parliamentary circle, from +"GOSSET's Room" to the floor of the House, which he sometimes "took" +to deliver a witty speech in support of a Motion for adjourning +over the Derby. He was only in his fortieth year, married scarce a +fortnight, when comes the blind Fury with the abhorrëd shears and +slits the thin-spun thread. "LYCIDAS is dead!"; but he will long be +remembered as shedding through seventeen years a genial light on +Irish politics, too often obscured by aggressive vulgarity, and the +sacrifice of patriotic interests to the ends of personal vanity. + + * * * * * + +ONLY FANCY! + +We are in a position to state that overtures were recently made to a +well-known and popular member of the aristocracy in connection with a +certain high office lately vacated. It is felt that a gentleman with +the varied experience and capacity indicated by the circumstance (to +which we may allude as not involving breach of confidence), that +his name was successively mentioned in connection with the offices, +recently vacant, of Postmaster-General, Undersecretary of State for +Foreign Affairs, and Leader of the House of Commons, is peculiarly +well qualified for the post. + + * * * * * + +The PRIME MINISTER has, we learn, been much gratified by the receipt +of a letter volunteered by one of his colleagues, expressing generous +satisfaction at his selection of Mr. ARTHUR BALFOUR to the Leadership +of the House of Commons. It was the more pleasing as the name of +Lord SALISBURY's correspondent had, in Conservative circles, been +prominently mentioned in connection with the office. "It is true," +the Abounding Baron wrote, "that the public with unerring instinct has +looked in another direction. I should therefore like to be the first +to say that your Lordship has done well in recognising the services +to the Unionist cause performed by Mr. BALFOUR. Of course there may be +other openings, and in case your Lordship has occasion to communicate +with me, it may be convenient to mention that, having come to town +this morning and transacted business at my office in Bouverie Street, +I am about to return to my country residence at Stow-in-the-Wold." + + * * * * * + +It is announced that Lord SALISBURY's new house at Beaulieu is to +be let furnished for the winter months, the PREMIER not intending +to return till the Spring. We understand that one of Mr. GLADSTONE's +friends and admirers is in treaty for the residence, intending +to place it for a few weeks at the disposal of the Leader of the +Opposition. We have not yet heard how far this happily-conceived +scheme has progressed. + + * * * * * + +THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS. + +NO. XVIII. + + SCENE--_The roof of Milan Cathedral; the innumerable statues + and fretted pinnacles show in dazzling relief against the + intense blue sky. Through the open-work of the parapet is seen + the vast Piazza, with its yellow toy tram-cars, and the small + crawling figures which cast inordinately long shadows. All + around is a maze of pale brown roofs, and beyond, the green + plain blending on the horizon with dove-coloured clouds in + a quivering violet haze. CULCHARD is sitting by a small + doorway at the foot of a flight of steps leading to the + Spire._ + +[Illustration: "She passes on with her chin in the air!"] + +_Culchard_ (_meditating_). I think MAUD must have seen from the tone +in which I said I preferred to remain below, that I object to that +cousin of hers perpetually coming about with us as he does. She's far +too indulgent to him--a posing, affected prig, always talking about +the wonderful things he's _going_ to write! He had the impudence to +tell me I didn't know the most elementary laws of the sonnet this +morning! Withering repartee seems to have no effect whatever on him, +I wish I had some of PODBURY's faculty for flippant chaff! I wonder +if he and the PRENDERGASTS really are at Milan. I certainly thought I +recognised ----. If they are, it's very bad taste of them, after the +pointed way in which they left Bellagio. I only hope we shan't-- + + [_Here the figure of Miss PRENDERGAST suddenly emerges from + the door; CULCHARD rises and stands aside to let her pass; + she returns his salutation distantly, and passes on with her + chin in the air; her brother follows, with a side-jerk of + recognition. PODBURY comes last, and halts undecidedly._ + +_Podb._ (_with a rather awkward laugh_). Here we are again, eh? +(_Looks after_ Miss P., _hesitates, and finally sits down by_ +CULCHARD.) Where's the fascinating Miss TROTTER? How do you come to be +off duty like this? + +_Culch._ (_stiffly_). The fascinating Miss TROTTER is up above with +VAN BOODELER, so my services are not required. + +_Podb._ Up above? And HYPATIA just gone up with BOB! Whew, there'll be +ructions presently! Well out of it, you and I! So it's BOODELER's turn +now? That's rough on _you_--after HYPATIA had whistled poor old BOB +off. As much out in the cold as ever, eh? + +_Culch._ I am nothing of the kind. I find him distasteful to me, +and avoid him as much as I can, that's all. I wish, PODBURY, er--I +_almost_ wish you could have stayed with me, instead of allowing the +PRENDERGASTS to carry you off as you did. You would have kept VAN +BOODELER in order. + +_Podb._ Much obliged, old chap; but I'm otherwise engaged. Being kept +in order myself. Oh, I _like_ it, you know. She's developing my mind +like winking. Spent the whole morning at the Brera, mugging up these +old Italian Johnnies. They really are clinkers, you know. RAPHAEL, +eh?--and GIOTTO, and MANTEGNA, and all that lot. As HYPATIA says, for +intensity of--er religious feeling, and--and subtlety of symbolism, +and--and so on, they simply take the cake--romp in, and the rest +nowhere! I'm getting quite the connoisseur, I can tell you! + +_Culch._ Evidently. I suppose there's no chance of a--a +_reconciliation_ up there? [_With some alarm._ + +_Podb._ Don't you be afraid. When HYPATIA once gets her quills up, +they don't subside so easily! Hallo! isn't this old TROTTER? + + [_That gentleman appears in the doorway._ + +_Mr. T._ Why, Mr. PODBURY, so you've come along here? That's _right_! +And how do you like Milan? I like the place first-rate--it's a +live city, Sir. And I like this old cathedral, too; it's well +constructed--they've laid out money on it. I call it real ornamental, +all these little figgers they've stuck around--and not two of 'em a +pair either. Now, they might have had 'em all alike, and no one any +the wiser up so high as this; but it certainly gives it more variety, +too, having them different. Well, I'm going up as high as ever I _can_ +go. You two better come along up with me. + +_ON THE TOP._ + +_Miss P._ (_as she perceives Miss T. and her companion_). Now, BOB, +pray remember all I've told you! [_BOB turns away, petulantly._ + +_Miss T._ (_aside, to VAN B._). I guess the air's got cooler up +here, CHARLEY. But if that girl imagines she's going to freeze _me_! +(_Advancing to Miss P._) Why, my dear, it's almost too sweet for +anything, meeting you again! + +_Miss P._ You're extremely kind, MAUD; I wish I could return the +compliment; but really, after what took place at Bellagio, I-- + +_Miss T._ (_taking her arm_). Well, I'll own up to being pretty +horrid--and so were you; but there don't seem any sense in our meeting +up here like a couple of strange cats on tiles. I won't fly out +anymore, there! I'm just dying for a reconciliation; and so is Mr. +VAN BOODELER. The trouble I've had to console that man! He never met +anybody before haff so interested in the great Amurrcan Novel. And +he's wearying for another talk. So you'd better give that hatchet a +handsome funeral, and come along and take pity on him. + + [_HYP., after a struggle, yields, half-reluctantly, and allows + herself to be taken across to Mr. VAN B., who greets her + effusively. Miss T. leaves them together._ + +_Bob P._ (_who has been prudently keeping in the background till now, +decides that his chance has come_). How do you do. Miss TROTTER? It's +awfully jolly to meet you again like this! + +_Miss. T._ Well, I guess that remark would have been more convincing +if you'd made it a few minutes earlier. + +_Bob_. I--I--you see, I didn't know.... I was afraid--I rather +thought-- + +_Miss T._ You don't get much further with _rather_ thinking, as a +general rule, than if you didn't think at all. But if you're at all +anxious to run away the way you did at Bellagio, you needn't be afraid +_I'll_ hinder you. + +_Bob_. (_earnestly_). Run away! _Do_ you think I'd have gone if--I've +felt dull enough ever since, without _that_.' + +_Miss T._ Oh, I expect you've had a beautiful time. _We_ have. + +_Miss P._ (_coming up_). ROBERT, I thought you wanted to see the Alps? +You should come over to the other side, and-- + +_Miss T._ I'll undertake that he sees the Alps, darling, +presently--when we're through our talk. + +_Miss P._ As you please, dear. But (_pointedly_) did I not see Mr. +CULCHARD below? + +_Miss T._ You don't mean to say you're wearied of Mr. VAN BOODELER +_already_! Well, Mr. CULCHARD will be along soon, and I'll loan him +to you. I'll tell him you're vurry anxious to converse with him some +more. He's just coming along now, with Mr. PODBURY and Poppa. + +_Miss P._ (_under her breath_). MAUD! if you _dare_--! + +_Miss T._ Don't you _dare_ me, then--or you'll see. But I don't want +to be mean unless I'm obliged to. + + [_Mr. TROTTER, followed by CULCHARD and PODBURY, arrives + at the upper platform. CULCHARD and PODBURY efface + themselves as much as possible. Mr. TROTTER greets Miss + PRENDERGAST heartily._ + +_Mr. T._ Well now, I call this sociable, meeting all together again +like this. I don't see why in the land we didn't _keep_ together. I've +been saying so to my darter here, ever since Bellagio--ain't that so, +MAUD? And _she_ didn't know just how it came about either. + +_Miss P._ (_hurriedly_). We--we had to be getting on. And I am afraid +we must say good-bye now, Mr. TROTTER. I want BOB and Mr. PODBURY +to see the Da Vinci fresco, you know, before the light goes. (Bob +_mutters a highly disrespectful wish concerning that work of Art._) We +_may_ see you again, before we leave for Verona. + +_Mr. T._ Verona? Well, I don't care if I see Verona myself. Seems a +pity to separate now we _have_ met, _don't_ it? See here, now, we'll +_all_ go along to Verona together--how's that, MAUD? Start whenever +_you_ feel like it, Miss PRENDERGAST. How does that proposal strike +you? I'll be real hurt if you cann't take to my idea. + +_Miss T._ The fact is, Poppa, HYPATIA isn't just sure that Mr. +PRENDERGAST wouldn't object. + +_Bob P._ I--object? Not _much_! Just what I should _like_, seeing +Verona with--all _together_, you know! + +_Miss T._ Then I guess _that's_ fixed. (_Aside, to Miss P., who is +speechless_). Come, you haven't the heart to go and disappoint my poor +Cousin CHARLEY by saying you won't go! He'll be perfectly enchanted +to be under vow--unless you've filled up _all_ the vacancies already! +(_Aloud, to VAN B., as he approaches_.) We've persuaded Miss +PRENDERGAST to join our party. I hope you feel equal to entertaining +her? + +_Van B._ I shall be proud to be permitted to try. (_To Miss P._) Then +I may take it that you agree with me that the function of the future +American fictionist will be-- [_They move away, conversing._ + +_Podb._ (_To CULCH._) I say, old fellow, we're to be travelling +companions again, after all. And a jolly good thing, too, _I_ +think!... eh? + +_Culch._ Oh, h'm--quite so. That is--but no doubt it will be an +advantage--(_with a glance at Van B., who is absorbed in Miss P.'s +conversation_)--in--er--_some_ respects. (_To himself._) Hardly from +poor dear PODBURY's point of view, I'm afraid, though! However, if +_he_ sees nothing--! [_He shrugs his shoulders, pityingly._ + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +Pocket-books for next year are coming in. Which for choice? "_Solvitur +ambulando_" should be the resolution of the difficulty, given by +one firm at least, that firm being "WALKER." They are handy, and +conveniently pocketable, but to "The chiels amang ye taking notes," +plain leaves, and no fruit, and no dates, we should say, would be +preferable. They're reasonable prices, and you can't expect to get 'em +for nothing; if you do--"WALKER!" + +[Illustration] + +The Baron highly approves of Messrs. DE LA RUE's pocket-books. It is +pleasant to have something in one's pocket, even if only a book. As +to account-books and diaries--well enter nothing therein but what has +been pleasant and profitable, and most diarians who adopt this rule +will not find their memoranda overcrowded at the end of the year. +"Letts be happy, while we can, and good luck to you, Ladies all, in +1892. Leap year!" quoth the Baron. "Over you go like the villagers in +the German story, after the sheep, into the sea of matrimony, where +may you all get on swimmingly." _À propos_, Mesdames BLYTHE and GAY +say that the Christmas Number of _Woman_, produced by a number of +women, is as full of attractive power as the Magnetic Lady herself. + +"ARROWSMITH's Shilling Sensational, by 'a New Author,'" quoth the +Baron, "would, methought, serve _pour me distraire_." The "New Author" +uses the remarkably new device of a mole on the lost child's breast. +Isn't that original? _Miss Box_ and _Miss Cox_ are lost, and found. +"Have you a mole on your left breast?" "Yes!" "Then it is both of +you!" Charming! So useful is the explanation that "Hanwell is a little +village, a few miles from London." Perhaps it is the locality, there +or thereabouts, where this thrillingly interesting tale--which could +have been told in fifty pages, and needn't have been told at all--was +written. Well, well, "All's Hanwell that ends Hanwell," and "I've +galloped through a worse story before now," quoth the Baron, yawning, +and so to bed. + +[Illustration: Turning over the pages.] + +In _John Leech, His Life and Work_ (BENTLEY) Mr. FRITH quotes from an +anonymous but obviously not an original authority, the dictum, "It is +the happiness of such a life (as LEECH's) that there is so little to +be told of it." Mr. BENTLEY has produced two handsome volumes worthy +the reputation of his ancient and honourable house. They enshrine +admirable reproductions of some of LEECH's best work, selected by +the trained hand and sympathetic eye of Mr. FRITH. These are and will +remain the chief attractions of a work to which the Baron, in common +with the civilised world, has been looking forward to with interest, +and of whose realisation he regrets to hear so disappointing an +account from his trusty "Co." It is difficult to find dates in this +higgledy-piggledy chance-medley of facts and opinions. But we all know +that LEECH died in October, 1864. It was in _Mr. Punch's_ pages that +he found the true field for his heaven-born genius For twenty years at +least he was one of the most prominent, best known, and best liked men +in England. Surely within that period there must lie to the hand of +the dilligent seeker material for a memoir worthy to be linked with +the name of JOHN LEECH. Mr. FRITH has not given us such a book, +and criticism is only partly disarmed by the comical reiteration of +confession that he has failed in his appointed task. For what he has +to say in the way of making known to the world the man JOHN LEECH, a +very thin volume would have sufficed, even had he included the more +useful of his remarks on LEECH's work and his method. But there being +two volumes to fill, Mr. FRITH genially summarises _The Physiology of +Evening Parties_, by Mr. ALBERT SMITH; _Mr. Sponge's Sporting Tour_, +and other not very high-class literature, whose only claim to being +remembered is that LEECH illustrated them. Of _The Marchioness of +Brinvilliers_, ALBERT SMITH's attempt to rival the attractions of the +_Newgate Calendar_, Mr. FRITH positively gives two whole chapters! He +allots one to the _Bon Gaultier Ballads_, and nineteen mortal pages +to telling the _Story of Miss Kilmansegg_, with copious extracts from +that easily accessible work. + +This is not Memoir-writing, it is book-making. The reader can skip +these chapters, and, diligently searching, will find here and there a +ray of light thrown on this beautiful placid life, weighed down as it +was from earliest manhood by family circumstances at which Mr. FRITH +delicately hints. "Give, give!" was, truly, the cry of the daughters +of the horseleach. There are, however, several other anecdotes +contributed by personal friends of LEECH's, who have come to Mr. +FRITH's assistance, and succeed in the main in making the book an +interesting one, as giving the outside world some glimpses of a sweet +and manly character. The volumes are crowded with illustrations. +These are LEECH's own work, and make the volumes worth more than their +published price. + +THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & CO. + + * * * * * + +TO EVANGELINE. + + Oh, come and be my Queen, + And share my lot + In some artistic cot + At Turnham Green, + EVANGELINE! + + The painted tambourine + Shall grace its wall, + And many a table small + And folding screen + Shall on its floor be seen, + EVANGELINE! + + Your beauty's dazzling sheen + Upsets me quite-- + Of late my appetite + Has wretched been, + EVANGELINE! + + I shun the soup tureen + And pine for you; + At pudding, joint, and stew + My face turns green-- + What do the symptoms mean, + EVANGELINE? + + If Fate should come between + My Love and me, + This countenance will be + No more serene, + EVANGELINE! + + With nitro-glycerine + I'll speed my flight, + Or else I will ignite + Some Magazine-- + Some _Powder_ Magazine, + EVANGELINE! + + * * * * * + +AN AUNT AT WILL. + + [A lawsuit has been occasioned in India through white ants + devouring a will.] + +It is usually supposed that Australia is topsey-turvey mad, but in +India it seems that matters also go by contraries, when compared with +their mode of procedure at home. A lawsuit has been occasioned in +Calcutta through white ants devouring a will. In England our Aunts +(who are generally whites) make wills (bless them!) and _we_ devour +them, or at least live on the proceeds. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DEAR CHILD! + +_Papa_ (_to Friend from Town_). "THERE, MY BOY, THAT'S WHAT YOU OUGHT +TO DO! GET A GEE, AND COME OUT WITH THE HOUNDS!" + +_Little Daughter_. "OH, PAPA, TAKE CARE YOU DON'T FALL OFF, AS YOU DID +THE OTHER DAY!"] + + * * * * * + +KATHLEEN AND PETRUCHIO; + +OR, SHAKSPEARE BALFOURISED. + + _Kathleen_. HIBERNIA. _Petruchio_. Mr. BALFOUR. + _Grumio_.... Mr. JACKSON. + _Haberdasher_.. Mr. GLADSTONE. + + _Petruchio_. Thus have I politicly begun my reign, + And 'tis my hope to end successfully; + My falcon now is sharp, and passing empty; + And, till she stoop, she must not be full-gorg'd, + For then she never looks upon her lure. + Another way I have to man my haggard, + To make her come, and know her keeper's call; + That is, to watch her, as we watch these kites + That bate, and beat, and will not be obedient. + She plays no tricks to-day, nor none shall play; + Last Session she ruled not, nor shall next Session; + Resolute government is the only way + To smooth these stormy spirits. + + All the same, + _After_ the hurly-burly, I intend + All shall be done in reverend care of her; + And, in conclusion, she shall have her rights, + If she will cease to rise, and rail, and brawl, + And with her clangour keep the world awake. + This is the way to kill her wrath with kindness, + And thus I'll curb her mad and headstrong humour.-- + He that knows better how to tame a shrew, + Let him speak out! 'Tis time the kingdom knew! + + * * * * * + + _Kathleen_. The more my wrong the more his smile appears! + How doth he madden me--and master me!-- + I--I, who never knew how to submit, + Nor never fancied that I should submit,-- + Am starved for strife, stupid for lack of struggle, + With Law kept bridled, and with Order saddled: + And that, which spites me more than all these stints, + He does it under name of perfect love; + As who should say, if I should have my will, + 'Twere deadly sickness or else present death. + + * * * * * + + _Petruchio_. KATHLEEN, thou mend'st apace! + And now, my love, + Will we return unto thy father's house, + And ruffle it as bravely as the best, + With silken coats, and caps, and golden rings, + With ruffs, and cuffs, and farthingales, and things; + With orange tissue trimmed with true-blue bravery, + Eschewing wearing of the green,--that's knavery. + See GRUMIO there! He waits thy loving leisure + To deck thy body with his boxed-up treasure. + A cap of mine own choice, come fresh from town; + It will become thee better than a crown. + 'Tis my ideal. (_Enter_ Haberdasher.) Well--what would _you_, sirrah? + + _Haberdasher_. Here is the hat the lady did bespeak! + + _Petruchio_. Why, this was moulded on a foreign block, + A Phrygian cap. Fie, fie! 'tis crude and flaunting. + Why, 'tis a coal-vase or a bushel-basket, + A fraud, a toy, a trick, a verdant fool'scap: + Away with it! Come, let me have a smaller! + + _Kathleen_. I'll have no smaller: this doth fit the time, + And gentlewomen wear such hats as these. + + _Petruchio_. When you are gentle, you shall have one too, + But of another pattern. + + _Grumio_ (_aside_). Mine, to wit. + + _Kathleen_. Why, Sir, I trust I may have leave to speak: + And speak I will. I am no child, no babe: + Your betters have endured me say my mind, + And, if you cannot, best you stop your ears. + My tongue will tell the craving of my heart, + Or else my heart, concealing it, will break; + And rather than it shall, I will be free + E'en to the uttermost,--at least in words! + + _Petruchio_. Why, so thou art. But 'tis a paltry hat + This Haberdasher would fob off on thee. + I love thee well, but _he_, he loves thee not. + + _Kathleen_. Love me or love me not, I like the hat, + And it I will have, or I will have none. + + _Grumio_ (_aside_). Then is she like to go bareheaded long! + + [_Left arguing. Sequel--some day._ + + * * * * * + +OUR OLD FRIEND ONCE MORE.--Mrs. RAM has lately taken to theatre-going. +She says, however, that she doesn't much care about going on first +nights of new pieces, as the Stalls are full of Crickets. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: KATHLEEN AND PETRUCHIO. + +KATHLEEN. "I'LL HAVE NO SMALLER; THIS DOTH FIT THE TIME. AND +GENTLEWOMEN WEAR SUCH HATS AS THESE." + +PETRUCHIO. "WHEN YOU ARE GENTLE, YOU SHALL HAVE ONE TOO, BUT--OF +ANOTHER FASHION."--_Shakspeare Balfourised_.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: The G.O.M. Illuminated by a Ray of Sunlight (Soap).] + + * * * * * + +PAUL PRY IN THE PURPLE. + +(_EXTRACTS FROM LETTERS FOUND IN A GERMAN POST-BAG._) + +_TO A BISHOP._ + +It has occurred to me that your sermons are not quite as good as +they should be. You do not seem to grasp your subject with sufficient +strength. I have not time to come to listen to you, as I have other +pressing engagements, and consequently write from hearsay. Still, I +believe I have good reason for my strictures. However, that you may +have an excellent example upon which to model your discourses in the +future, I will myself visit your cathedral at a near date, and occupy +your pulpit. I will wire ten minutes before I arrive with my sermon. + +_TO A GENERAL._ + +I congratulate you upon the success of the recent manoeuvres. Nothing +could have been finer than the manner in which the entire Army saluted +me on my approach. Perhaps the bands might have played the National +Anthem half-an-hour longer or so, but for all that, the effect was +excellent. And now I have got a really splendid idea. And you must +help me. I want to order all the troops to another part of the country +without telling their officers, and then, when they least expect it, +you and I will order a general assembly. It will be such a joke to see +the commanders when they appear on parade without any soldiers! They +will be so surprised! And sha'n't we laugh! But mind, not a word to +anyone until we have had our fun. As an old soldier who has deserved +well of his Fatherland, I rely on your discretion. + +_TO A THEATRICAL MANAGER._ + +[Illustration] + +I was at the performances in your play-house the other evening, +and, as I told you at the time, was not at all satisfied with the +representation. I informed you that when I had time I would jot down +my complaints, and I am now keeping my promise. I don't like the +costume of the Tragedy Queen--her heels are too high and why does she +wear gloves? The Low Comedian does not make the most of his part. +He has to walk about with a band-box. Now why does he not seize the +opportunity to place it on a chair and sit upon it? This would have a +very comical effect. I have seen it done, and it made me laugh. +Please let him sit upon the band-box for the future. If he sits down +accidentally the effect will be heightened. It will be very funny. +By the way, let all the box-keepers give programmes free of charge to +officers and ladies under forty. I shall soon be at the theatre again +to attend a rehearsal. I will wire ten minutes before I come, so that +you may have proper time to call your company together. Till then, you +incompetent sausage, you can enjoy your Lager and pipe in peace! + +_TO A DOCTOR._ + +I have been reading some of the Medical Journals, and I am not quite +sure whether I think your manner of cutting off a leg is the proper +way. It may be, but, on the other hand, it may not. Before you cut off +another leg communicate with me, and I will fix a date (as early as +I can--probably within six months), when I can see your patient, and +give you my opinion. By the way, do not go your rounds until you hear +from me, as I may want to see you at any time. + +_TO A COACH-BUILDER._ + +You don't know how to make a carriage. The other day I thought of +a capital idea, but, for the moment, cannot remember it. However, I +fancy it had something to do with square wheels. At any rate you had +better not make any more carriages until I call. I will come as soon +as I can--probably before Spring twelvemonths. + +_TO A RELATIVE._ + +Had not time to answer your letter before. I do not in the least agree +with you. I hate people who do not mind their own business. Why not +attend to your own, and leave mine alone? If you do not take care, _I +will arrange to visit you in State!_ So you had better mind what you +are about! + + * * * * * + +PROGRAMME OF THE CYCLOPÆDIC CIRCUS. + +(_UNDER THE IMMEDIATE PATRONAGE OF LORD SALISBURY._) + +The Members of the School Board of Little Peddlington have the honour +to announce that, in deference to the expressed opinion of the + +PREMIER OF THE UNITED KINGDOM, + +that it would be wise to substitute Circuses for school-rooms in the +provinces, have arranged for the holding of + +A GRAND SCHOLASTIC GALA, + +on a scale of unprecedented magnificence. The Members have engaged, at +considerable expense, that admirable Artist, + +THE COURIER OF BOTH THE GLOBES, + +who will, during a rapid ride on a retired cab-horse, exhibit and +explain a series of gigantic maps of + +EUROPE, ASIA, AFRICA, AND AMERICA. + +This Star Artist will be followed by that talented _troupe_ of +relatives who for many years have drawn enormous crowds to their +performances under the assumed but appropriate name of + +THE BOUNDING BROTHERS OF THE SPELLING-BEES. + +They will go through their marvellous feats in tossing barrels +(bearing on their sides painted letters), and thus combining amusement +with instruction. Their last act will be to keep in simultaneous +motion a sufficient number of labelled milk-cans to spell the +sentence, "Farewell to all kind friends in front." This marvellous +double quartette will be followed by + +THE ARITHMETICAL BICYCLIST, + +[Illustration] + +who will ride his favourite two-wheeled vehicle while he sings a +song introducing in a pleasing manner the Multiplication Table. This +sweet-toned vocalist will be succeeded by + +_THE STAR-LOVING PIG ATTENDED BY COMICAL HERSCHEL._ + +In which the former will spell out (with the assistance of card-board +letters) a number of interesting astronomical facts at the instigation +of his mirth-provoking master and proprietor. This talented performer +will be followed by + +THE UNIVERSAL KNOWLEDGE QUADRILLE. + +In which the entire _troupe_ will appear on horseback, and go through +the programme of studies (proficiency in which is required by the +Tenth Standard) without a single mistake. + +The performances will then be brought to an appropriate and jubilant +conclusion by + +_A SILVER COLLECTION IN AID OF THE RATES!_ + + + * * * * * + +QUEER QUERIES.--OUR DEFENCES.--I am informed that Mr. STANHOPE is +expected shortly to go abroad, "in order to recruit." Can even the +blindest military optimist any longer deny that the British Army is +a nefarious imposture, when the Minister for War is forced into an +ignominious attempt to raise a body of foreign mercenaries by his own +personal efforts? + +HALF-PAY PATRIOT. + +SCIENTIFIC.--Could you kindly tell me what "the Great Ice Age" means? +My Pater took me to hear some fellow lecture about it the other day, +but I couldn't understand much of what he said. I thought he was going +to talk about strawberry ices and lemon ices, which I like awfully, +but he didn't even mention them! Don't you think _twelve_ is the great +Ice Age--I mean the age when boys ought to be allowed to eat as many +as they like? N.B.--I am just twelve. + +TOMMY. + + * * * * * + +WORTH SEEING.--"We understand that to the Exhibition of "Instruments +of Torture," and now on view in London, have been lately added +the Medici Collar, a Piano Organ, and a "Shakspeare for the use of +Schools." + + * * * * * + +MEM. BY "THE OFFICIAL RECEIVER."--"Firm as a Rock" will not be +henceforth a proverb of universal application. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ELECTION FEVER. A VICTIM'S VICISSITUDES.] + + * * * * * + +TRAN-SLATED. + +(_BEING A NEWLY-DISCOVERED FRAGMENT OF AN OLD GREEK PLAY, SUPPOSED TO +BE A VERY EARLY_ "_AGAMEMNON_.") + + * * * * * + + _Cly._ The coals I bought as Wallsend are not so. + + _Ag._ Thus groundless hopes vanish--like coals in smoke. + + _Cly._ You speak in words Mysterious, lacking sense. + + _Ag._ The sense is patent to the reasoning mind. + + _Cly._ And yet I paid for them upon the nail. + + _Ag._ What matter, if the price was far too low? + + _Cly._ Then call you eighteen shillings low for coal? + + _Ag._ Yes, for "Prime Wallsend"--what could you expect? + + _Cly._ Listen! In passing 'long the public way + I saw a notice telling of these coals. + It called them "ever-burning": said no skill + Could put them out when once they were alight, + Because they were "the best the world produced." + I purchased some. Ai! ai! They turned out slates. + My household maidens by Prometheus swear + _They_ never saw such stuff for lighting fires. + What of it is not slag, that part is slate, + And slated should they be that sold it me. + Moreover, when with anger I remarked + To those who bore the sacks upon their backs, + Within our cellars to deposit them, + That they had better bear their loads away + Seeing I ordered coals, not lumps of slate, + They answered that, if they refused to burn, + They might be useful for a Rockery! + So now _they_ have the shillings, _I_ the coals. + + _Ag._ And having them, we have no household fires. + + _Cly._ What then to do? _You_ sit with idle hands. + + _Ag._ I cannot turn to Wallsend bits of slag. + + _Cly._ But you can seek the Archon, and denounce + The man whose cunning robs our hearth of flame. + + _Ag._ (_going out_). In what you say not nothing I perceive. + Women, in hunting cheapness, capture costs. + + CHORUS. STROPHE. + + The puny race of men + Soars, in imagination, to the skies; + While tackling Science and Theosophy + Their hands the coal-scoop grasp! + + CHORUS. ANTISTROPHE. + + From high Olympus Zeus + Smiles at the perjuries of coal-heavers. + Not always is the cheapest article + The one that turns out best. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD WISH TO HAVE EXPRESSED DIFFERENTLY. + +"WELL, GOOD-BYE, MISS SMITH. TELL THE OTHERS I WAS VERY SORRY NOT TO +FIND ANYONE AT HOME--A--A--A--EXCEPT YOU--A!"] + + * * * * * + +A BOARD-SCHOOL CHRISTMAS. + +(_AN ANTICIPATION OF THE NOT VERY DISTANT FUTURE._) + +[Illustration] + +It was a very unseasonable Yule-tide. Instead of the old-fashioned +mild weather that had been the constant companion of Christmas for +many years, the ground was covered with snow and the river blocked +with ice. However, thanks to modern improvements, the artisans had not +been impeded in executing their four hours of labour as provided by a +recent statute. They had been sitting at their Club (supported by the +State), reading the newspapers purchased out of the rates, and were +only annoyed that no food and drink was supplied them free gratis and +for nothing. + +"It would never do," said an old workman, who remembered the +eight-hour day that used to prevail at the end of the Nineteenth +Century. "You see were we to have beer at will, the brewers' draymen +might complain. It was once attempted, but the Licensed Victuallers +made such a disturbance that the idea was abandoned." + +"There is something in what you say," observed a second workman; +"but, for the life of me, I don't see why the Nation shouldn't provide +bread." + +"No, there you are out!" cried a third. "I am a baker, and anything +that interferes with my industry won't do." + +And so they talked, discussing this and that, until all the subjects +of the leaders in the daily papers had been exhausted. It was then +that one of the workmen suggested a walk and a pipe on the Embankment. + +So they lounged down the main thoroughfare of London, with its +pleasant _cafés_ and well-appointed _restaurants_, and came to +the conclusion (for the fiftieth time) that it was far better than +anything of the same kind in Paris, or any other of the capitals of +Europe. They had all been abroad during their State-assisted vacation, +and consequently had the chief towns of the world, so to speak, at +their finger-tips. As they sauntered along, they came to a group +of half-starved, perambulating performers, who were giving an +entertainment to a crowd of bystanders. It was not a good programme. +First a young woman in rags, played on an old piano, with decent +precision, some extremely difficult variations of CHOPIN's _Funeral +March_. She was followed by a man who painted a portrait of a leading +statesman indifferently well. Then another man jumped into the river, +and made his way in the cold water with the ease of a fifth-rate +professional swimmer. Then a second young woman recited something +or other in German, with an atrocious English accent. And the whole +concluded with a lecture upon chemistry (given by a seedy-looking +old man), which was illustrated with some ambitious, but feeble +experiments. + +On the balance the performance was a bore, and the public were rather +pleased than otherwise, when a police constable ordered the _troupe_ +"to move on." The poor people gathered together their _impedimenta_ +and prepared to obey the officer's behest. It was then that the +performers came face to face with the artisans. There was a cry of +recognition. + +"Why, would you believe it!" exclaimed one of the workmen, "if it +isn't SALLY JONES, and TOMMY BROWN, and NORAH JENKINS, and HARRY +SMITH!" + +The well-fed and the starving cordially greeted one another. Then +there were mutual explanations, and the old man who had lectured upon +chemistry had his say:-- + +"You want to know why we are all starving, and why we are so much +worse off than you, although we were educated at the same Board +School? I will tell you. It was because you very wisely made up your +minds to follow the occupations of your fathers. You became builders, +bakers, coal-heavers and paviors. + +"Ah, we did that," sighed out the elderly workman, "because we were +too backward to attempt anything better. We were not clever people +like you! We couldn't play the piano, and paint and swim, and go +in for chemistry. We were not clever enough, and had to put up with +passing a very low standard." + +"Thank your lucky stars it was so," exclaimed the chemist, with +tears in his eyes, "for your fate is happier than ours. We are all +fifth-rate, and can do nothing else. We have no chance against those +who have been born to this kind of thing, and we have forgotten how to +do your work. So we are starving, and--" + +But here the old man was interrupted by a policeman, who ordered +all of them to move on. And on they moved. Half one way and half the +other. + + * * * * * + +OUR OWN FINANCIAL COLUMN. + +"CROESUS" has vanished! We can scarcely find it in our heart to +add anything to this distressing statement; but for the sake of our +readers whom he may have induced to patronise his financial schemes, +we give a few slight details of the disaster. + +[Illustration: Portrait of "Croesus."] + +Four days ago enormous piles of letters began to arrive at our office. +They were addressed to "CROESUS," and had been sent on to us from +his last address marked "gone away; try office of _Punch_." We opened +them. They were all threatening letters. + +"Why," wrote one angry gentleman, "have I heard nothing from you since +I sent you my cheque for £10,000? Unless I receive a reply within a +week, legal proceedings will be taken." The rest were similar in +tone. Thereupon we resolved to call at the last address given to us by +"CROESUS." It was somewhere in the Mile End Road. We arrived, entered, +ascended the stairs, and found in a dingy back bed-room, three used +half-penny stamps, a false nose, a pair of whiskers, and a large sheet +of paper on which were written only these words: "Sold Again"--which +obviously referred to some financial scheme or other. On inquiring of +the landlady, we heard that her lodger had departed two days before, +taking with him two large and heavy wooden chests. He had promised +to return. We then consulted the police. They are very reticent, but +consider they have got a clue. + +And here we owe it to our readers to make a confession. We have never +set eyes on "CROESUS." We engaged him entirely on the strength of +the most glowing recommendations from a whole bevy of Bank-Managers, +including the Managers of the Bank of Lavajelli, of the Pei-ho +Provinces, of Samarcand, of Ashanti and of Dodge County, U.S.A. All +these gentlemen wrote in the most complimentary terms of "CROESUS." +"He is a man," wrote the Manager of the Dodge County Bank, "whom I +have had the honour to know intimately for a considerable number of +years. Indeed, we were educated together, and not a day has passed +since then without our meeting. I beg to state that I consider him +thoroughly fitted for the responsible position of financial director +of a high-class Metropolitan paper. His personal appearance is +aristocratic and prepossessing, his manners have about them a +distinction which impresses all who meet him, and his dress, though +modest, is always pleasing. His complete command of twenty-four +languages must be of the highest advantage to him in unravelling the +tangled skein of international finance." Acting upon such testimonials +we engaged "CROESUS." We have now reason to believe that we have +been made the victims of a gross and cruel deception. An expert in +handwriting, whom we have consulted, gives it as his opinion, that +every single one of these recommendations is in the handwriting of +"CROESUS" himself, and the police, after protracted inquiries, have +assured us that the Banks, whose supposed managers addressed us in +favour of "CROESUS," never had any actual existence at all. + +All we can do now is to assist justice by publishing herewith +the photograph of "CROESUS." We apologise to all whom he may have +deceived, but we do not hold ourselves responsible for any damage he +has caused. We shall publish no more financial contributions in the +meantime. + +ED. + + * * * * * + +ENGLISH AS SHE IS SUNG. + +[Illustration] + +MR. PUNCH, SIR,--If I start a butcher's business, and give my shop the +special title of The _Welsh_ Meat Shop, is the great British Public +so narrow-minded as to expect me to sell them only Welsh meat, the +produce of Welsh farms only? If so, the Public, with all due respect, +is a hass. For if I who have to live,--though perhaps others may not +see the necessity for my existence,--by my trade, find that the Welsh +meat, which the Public had expected to be ready and waiting, is not +forthcoming, only one of two things can I do; the one is to shut +up shop (which I won't), and the other is to provide my intending +customers with French, Indian, English, Irish, Scotch, American, +Australian, New Zealandian, Cape Colonial, in fact with any meat I can +get from anywhere, and as long as it is toothsome, and I can afford +to sell it at an average price, why should it not be sold at my Royal +Welsh Meat Shop? + +When I call my shop The Royal Welsh Meat Shop, do I thereby bar myself +from dealing in English or foreign meats? Do I bar myself from dealing +in Indian pickles or China oranges? No, certainly not; nor do I bar +myself from selling neckties, gloves, ginger-beer, and Brazil nuts. +So, when a House of Musical Entertainment is styled The English Opera +House, it must be understood, "all to the contrary nevertheless +and notwithstanding," to mean an English House where Opera may be +performed, and not a Theatre where only English Opera is Housed. "My +soul can not be fettered," as the poet says,--what poet, I don't know +and don't care, but he said it, whoever he was, and _he was right_. If +there is no English Opera for my House, then I get a French Opera, or +a Dutch one, just as at an oyster-shop--but perhaps this is not quite +the illustration I should like, as, at an oyster-shop, they _do_ ask +you which you will have, "Natives," or "Seconds," or "Anglo-Dutch"; +and, when you can't afford Natives, you put up with an inferior +quality at a lesser price. But if that oyster-seller called his shop +"The Native-Oyster Shop," should I have any ground of action against +him for selling any other oysters except Natives? No. But then he +would ask me "If I wanted Natives or not?" And if I said "Yes," he +would give me Natives. Now I admit I do not ask the Public at the +doors Which will you have? because I may not be able to have an +English Opera always on tap, so to speak. Metaphors a bit confused, +but you know what I mean. If I had a few English Operas on tap I might +turn 'em on, say, on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays: English Opera by +English Composers on those days, and on the other days, any Operas +by any Composers. But if the Public _won't_ come on the English Opera +nights, and _will_ come on the other nights? What then? Why obviously +I must keep my Natives (if I have any) in a barrel, and deal only +with the foreign supply. "Blame not the Bard"--I mean blame not the +patriotic man of business, but let our cry be "Art for Art's sake," +and the English Opera for ever! that is, as long as Art and English +Opera pay. + +Yours, + +A MANAGER FIRST AND ANYTHING YOU LIKE AFTERWARDS. + + * * * * * + +LATEST FROM SHOTSHIRE.--The only appropriate beverage for a Sportsman +out shooting,--why "Pop" to be sure. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +101, December 12, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14165-8.txt or 14165-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/1/6/14165/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101, December 12, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 26, 2004 [EBook #14165] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 101.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>December 12, 1891.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page277" + id="page277"></a>[pg 277]</span> + + <h2>LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS.</h2> + + <h3>NO. VIII.—TO LAZINESS.</h3> + + <p>BEST (AND BEST-ABUSED) OF ABSTRACTIONS,</p> + + <p>My heart positively warms to you as I write. At this precise + moment I can think of a hundred different things that I ought + to be doing. For instance, I have not written to TOM, who is in + the wilds of Canada, for months. His last letter ended with a + pathetic appeal for an answer.</p> + + <p>"Never mind, old chap," he said, "about not having any news. + Little details that you may think too insignificant to relate + are bound to interest me in this deserted spot. I am sure you + occasionally meet I some of our friends of the old days. Tell + them I often think of them and all the fun we used to have + together. It all seems like a dream to me now. Let me know what + any of them are doing. I heard six months ago from a fellow who + was touring out here that JACK BUMPUS was married. If it is + really our old JACK, congratulate him, and give him my love. I + don't know his present address. But, whatever you do, write. A + letter from you is like water in the desert."</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/277.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/277.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>When I read that letter I became full of the noblest + resolutions. Not another day should pass, I vowed, before I + answered it. So I prepared a great many sheets of thin + note-paper, carefully selected a clean nib and sat down at my + writing-table to begin. As I did so my eyes fell upon <i>Martin + Chuzzlewit</i>, which was lying within easy reach. The book + seemed positively to command me to read it for the tenth time. + I took it up, and in another moment <i>Mrs. Gamp</i> had taken + possession of me. My writing-chair was uncomfortable. I + transferred myself into an arm-chair. Is it necessary to add + that I did not write to TOM? His letter is getting frayed and + soiled from being constantly in my pocket. Day after day it + accompanies me on my daily round, unanswered and seemingly + unanswerable. For I feel it to be a duty to write, and my mind + abhors a duty. The letter weighs upon my conscience like lead. + A few strokes of the pen would remove the burden, but I simply + cannot screw myself up to the task. That is one of the things I + ought to do.</p> + + <p>Again, ought I not to call on the WHITTLESEAS? Mr. and Mrs. + WHITTLESEA have simply overflowed with kindness towards me. I + never enjoyed anything more than the week I spent at their + house in Kent a short time ago. They are now in town, and, what + is more, they know that I am in town too. Of course I ought to + call. It's my plain duty, and that is, as far as I can tell, + the only reason which absolutely prevents me from calling upon + that hospitable family. Why need I go through the long list of + my pressing duties? I ought to write my article on "Modern + Theosophy: A Psychological Parallel," for the next number of + <i>The Brain</i>. I ought to visit my dentist; I ought to have + my hair cut. But I shall do none of these things. On the other + hand, it is absolutely unnecessary that I should write to you. + No evil would befall me if I waited another year, or even + omitted altogether to write to you. And that is the precise + reason why I am now addressing you. As a matter of fact, I like + you. As I have already said, the performance of strict duties + is irksome to me. It is you, my dear LAZINESS, who forbid me to + perform them, and thus save me from many an uncongenial task. + That is why I like you.</p> + + <p>And, after all, the common abuse of you is absurd. I have + heard grave and industrious persons declare emphatically that + any one who allows himself to fall under your sway debars + himself utterly from every chance of success. Fiddlesticks! I + snap my fingers at such folly. What do these gentlemen say to + the case of FIGTREE, the great Q.C.? Everybody knows that + FIGTREE is, without exception, the most indolent man in the + world. Let any doubter walk down Middle Temple Lane and ask the + first young barrister he meets what he thinks of FIGTREE. I am + ready to wager my annual income that the reply will be, "What, + Old FIGTREE! Why, he's the laziest man at the Bar. I thought + everybody knew that." I may be told, of course, that FIGTREE + appears in all the big cases—that his management of them + is extraordinarily successful; that the Judges defer to him; + that his speech in the Camberwell poisoning case lasted a day + and a half, and is acknowledged to be a masterpiece of forensic + eloquence, fit to rank with the best efforts of ERSKINE; that + his fees always exceed ten thousand pounds a year and that his + book on <i>Fines and Recoveries</i> is a monument of industry. + All this I shall hear from some member of the outside public, + who does not know his FIGTREE. But the fact remains. FIGTREE is + the most indolent being alive. I doubt if he can be induced to + read a brief before he goes into Court. Many are the tales told + by those who have been his juniors of the marvellous skill and + address with which FIGTREE has time after time extricated + himself from awkward situations into which he had been led by + his ignorance of the details of the case in which he happened + to be engaged. In the sensational libel case of <i>Bagwell</i> + v. <i>Muter</i>, FIGTREE, as you must remember, appeared for + the defendant. When the plaintiff's Junior Counsel had opened + the pleadings, FIGTREE actually got up, and, had not his own + Junior pulled him down, he would then and there have opened the + case for the plaintiff. Yet FIGTREE's cross-examination of that + same plaintiff, travelling as it did over a long period of + time, and dealing with a most complicated story, in which dates + were of the first importance, is still cited by those who heard + it as the most remarkable display of its kind which the English + Courts have afforded for years past. Whether the unfortunate + BAGWELL, whom it showed conclusively to be a swindler and an + impostor, has an equal admiration for it, I know not, nor is + he, I fancy, likely to tell us, even when he returns from the + prison which is now the scene of his labours. How FIGTREE, who + at the outset did not even know on which side he appeared, + managed in the time at his command to master this intricate + case, must ever remain a mystery. HARRY ADDLESTONE, his Junior, + is accustomed to talk darkly of a marvellous chronological + analysis of the case which he had prepared for his leader, and + evidently wishes me to believe that he, rather than FIGTREE, is + to be credited with the success achieved. But the Solicitors + have not yet withdrawn their confidence from FIGTREE to + transfer it to ADDLESTONE.</p> + + <p>Here, then, is an instance of a perfectly indolent man + rising higher and higher every year on the ladder of + professional advancement. I can only attribute it, my dear + LAZINESS, to your beneficent influence, which preserves the + great barrister from the weary labours to which his rivals + daily submit. They say of him that he knows nothing of law. If + I grant that, it merely proves that a knowledge of law is not + required for success in the profession of the law. The + deduction is dangerous, but obvious, and I recommend it warmly + to all who are about to be called to the Bar.</p> + + <p>I don't think I have anything more to say to you to-day; + indeed, I know that you would be the last to desire that the + writing of this letter should he in any way irksome to me. + Besides, it is five o'clock P.M. My arm-chair invites me. I + feel tired, and, that being so, I am convinced it would he an + act of pedantic folly to deny myself the sweet refreshment of + half-an-hour's sleep. Farewell, kindly one. I shall always + rejoice to honour you, and celebrate your praise.</p> + + <p class="author">Yours, with all goodwill,<br /> + DIOGENES ROBINSON.</p> + + <p>P.S.—I reopen this letter to say that I have just read + in an evening paper a terrible account of the total destruction + by a tornado of the town in Canada which was poor TOM's place + of exile. "The loss of life," it is added, "has been great, and + several Englishmen are amongst the victims." No names are + given. Good gracious! If TOM has indeed perished, how am I ever + to forgive myself for neglecting him? What must he have thought + of me? I curse myself in vain for my—bah! What is the use + of telling you this? The same paper informs me, in the elegant + language appropriate to these occasions, that "Mr. FIGTREE, + Q.C., has been offered, and has accepted, the vacant + Lord-Justiceship of Appeal."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>AN OPPORTUNITY.—A Lyme Regis Correspondent sends us + the following advertisement, found, he says, in the <i>Bridport + News</i>; we omit dates and names:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>—— will SELL by AUCTION, Three Fine DAIRY + COWS to calve <i>respectfully</i> in Dec., April, and May + next. An excellent double-feeding chaff-cutter, &c.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>A respectful cow will no doubt fulfil her engagements + honorably. "A double-feeding chaff-cutter" ought to be an + acquisition to a fast set on a coach at the Derby, though of + course his "double-feeding" powers would have to be amply + provided for at luncheon time.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>"The nearest thing to 'setting the Thames on fire,'" said a + quiet traveller by the Underground, "is the announcement which + you will now see at the St. James's Park Station:—'A + LIGHT HERE FOR NIAGARA.'" "Why," exclaimed an irate passenger + to the timid suggestion of the above, "of course it doesn't + mean <i>that</i>." Then he added, contemptuously, "Get out!" + Which he did.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page278" + id="page278"></a>[pg 278]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/278.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/278.png" + alt="RUSTICUS EXPECTANS. (NEW POLITICAL VERSION OF AN OLD FABLE.)" /> + </a> + + <h3>RUSTICUS EXPECTANS. (NEW POLITICAL VERSION OF AN OLD + FABLE.)</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page279" + id="page279"></a>[pg 279]</span> + + <h2>RUSTICUS EXPECTANS;</h2> + + <h4><i>Or, the New Dumbledumdeary.</i></h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Rusticus expectat, dum defluat amnis; at ille</p> + + <p>Labitur, et labetur in omne volubilis ævum."</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p class="author">HORACE.</p> + + <h4>AIR—"<i>Dumbledumdeary</i>."</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In the fall of the year, when M.P.'s were about,</p> + + <p>And speeches burst forth like a waterspout,</p> + + <p>HODGE took up his bundle, and caught up his + staff,</p> + + <p>And went for a walk—if you please, don't + laugh!—</p> + + <p class="i4">Singing dumbledumdeary, + dumbledumdeary,</p> + + <p class="i4">Dumble, dumble, dumbledumdee!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, HODGE had put on his bettermost smock,</p> + + <p>And wore his billycock gaily a-cock;</p> + + <p>For HODGE nowadays is a person of note,</p> + + <p>And great Governments bow to the "hind,"—with + a vote.</p> + + <p class="i4">Singing dumbledumdeary, &c.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So he strolled on wi'out dread or fear</p> + + <p>Of Squoire or Parson, or County Peer,</p> + + <p>For the spouting M.P. and the Liberal Van</p> + + <p>Had made of the shock-headed joskin a Man!</p> + + <p class="i4">Singing dumbledumdeary, &c.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>With promises stuffed, and with hope inspired,</p> + + <p>HODGE walked, and walked till he felt quite + tired;</p> + + <p>So he sat himself down on the bank of a stream,</p> + + <p>And, falling asleep, dreamed a wonderful dream.</p> + + <p class="i4">Singing dumbledumdeary, &c.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The old, old stream was no longer the brook</p> + + <p>Where he'd angled for minnows with worm and + hook;</p> + + <p>It swelled and swirled, and its rippling voice</p> + + <p>Was changed to loud echoes of platform noise.</p> + + <p class="i4">Singing dumbledumdeary, &c.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And it seemed to address him, "How long, friend + HODGE,</p> + + <p>In a smock you will slave, in a pig-stye lodge?</p> + + <p>The Town revolts, but the landlord crew</p> + + <p>Still rule the rustics. What can you do?"</p> + + <p class="i4">Singing dumbledumdeary, &c.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Oh, I can reap, and I can sow;</p> + + <p>And I can plough, and I can mow;</p> + + <p>And, as Lord RIPON doth treuly say,</p> + + <p><i>I can yarn my eighteen-pence a day</i>!"</p> + + <p class="i4">Singing dumbledumdeary, &c.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Oh, that," cried the Voices, "will never do!</p> + + <p>HODGE now must have freedom, and comfort too,</p> + + <p>And Village Councils, Allotments, and Larks!</p> + + <p>Though the Landlords take fright for their Manors + and Parks,"</p> + + <p class="i4">Singing dumbledumdeary, &c.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"No more must he live like a pig in a stye,</p> + + <p>Or <i>we</i> (Tory <i>Codlir</i>, Rad <i>Short</i>) + will know why.</p> + + <p>And if you'll consent just to vote for <i>us</i> + now,</p> + + <p>We'll put a new tune to your old 'Speed the + Plough!'"</p> + + <p class="i4">Singing dumbledumdeary, &c.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Then HODGE, slightly puzzled, beheld (in his + dream)</p> + + <p>A legion of faces that flowed with the stream.</p> + + <p>"There's two WILLIAMS, and JOEY, and JESSE!" he + cried,</p> + + <p>"SOLLY, BALFY, and JOKIM talk, too, from the + tide,—"</p> + + <p class="i4">Singing dumbledumdeary, &c.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"They're making a vast sight o' noise, and I + fear,</p> + + <p>Whilst they all shout together, their + <i>meaning's</i> scarce clear.</p> + + <p>They all drift one way, though, out yonder I'll + sit!</p> + + <p>And wait till the shindying slackens a bit."</p> + + <p class="i4">Singing dumbledumdeary, &c.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So HODGE, like old HORACE's Rustic, still waits</p> + + <p>Till the waters flow by, or their turmoil + abates;</p> + + <p>And then hopes to reach "Happy Home" o'er that + stream.</p> + + <p>Let <i>us</i> hope that he mayn't find it + <i>only</i> a dream!</p> + + <p class="i4">Singing dumbledumdeary, + dumbledumdeary,</p> + + <p class="i4">Dumble, dumble, dumbledumdee!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:70%;"> + <a href="images/279.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/279.png" + alt="THE TRIALS OF AN ANXIOUS 'JUNIOR.'" /></a> + + <h3>THE TRIALS OF AN ANXIOUS "JUNIOR."</h3>PROMPTING A DEAF + AND TESTY "CHIEF" IN OPEN COURT IS NOT HIS IDEA OF PERFECT + BLISS. + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>"DICK" POWER.</h2> + + <p>When the House of Commons meets in February, it will find + many vacant places. Save, perhaps, on that sacred to the memory + of OLD MORALITY, none will draw towards it such sorrowful + glances as the bench below the Gangway, where, last Session, + DICK POWER's smiling face was found. Everyone in the House knew + "DICK," and all liked him—a modest-mannered, + merry-hearted man, whom a strange destiny had not only dragged + into political life, but, as Whip of the Parnellite Party, had + made him the official representative of a body for the most + part socially unknown, and disliked with a fervour happily not + often imported into Parliamentary warfare. DICK POWER, whilst + never swerving by a hair's breadth from loyalty to his + colleagues and his leader, so bore himself that he was welcome + in any Parliamentary circle, from "GOSSET's Room" to the floor + of the House, which he sometimes "took" to deliver a witty + speech in support of a Motion for adjourning over the Derby. He + was only in his fortieth year, married scarce a fortnight, when + comes the blind Fury with the abhorrëd shears and slits the + thin-spun thread. "LYCIDAS is dead!"; but he will long be + remembered as shedding through seventeen years a genial light + on Irish politics, too often obscured by aggressive vulgarity, + and the sacrifice of patriotic interests to the ends of + personal vanity.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>ONLY FANCY!</h2> + + <p>We are in a position to state that overtures were recently + made to a well-known and popular member of the aristocracy in + connection with a certain high office lately vacated. It is + felt that a gentleman with the varied experience and capacity + indicated by the circumstance (to which we may allude as not + involving breach of confidence), that his name was successively + mentioned in connection with the offices, recently vacant, of + Postmaster-General, Undersecretary of State for Foreign + Affairs, and Leader of the House of Commons, is peculiarly well + qualified for the post.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>The PRIME MINISTER has, we learn, been much gratified by the + receipt of a letter volunteered by one of his colleagues, + expressing generous satisfaction at his selection of Mr. ARTHUR + BALFOUR to the Leadership of the House of Commons. It was the + more pleasing as the name of Lord SALISBURY's correspondent + had, in Conservative circles, been prominently mentioned in + connection with the office. "It is true," the Abounding Baron + wrote, "that the public with unerring instinct has looked in + another direction. I should therefore like to be the first to + say that your Lordship has done well in recognising the + services to the Unionist cause performed by Mr. BALFOUR. Of + course there may be other openings, and in case your Lordship + has occasion to communicate with me, it may be convenient to + mention that, having come to town this morning and transacted + business at my office in Bouverie Street, I am about to return + to my country residence at Stow-in-the-Wold."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>It is announced that Lord SALISBURY's new house at Beaulieu + is to be let furnished for the winter months, the PREMIER not + intending to return till the Spring. We understand that one of + Mr. GLADSTONE's friends and admirers is in treaty for the + residence, intending to place it for a few weeks at the + disposal of the Leader of the Opposition. We have not yet heard + how far this happily-conceived scheme has progressed.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page280" + id="page280"></a>[pg 280]</span> + + <h2>THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS.</h2> + + <h3>No. XVIII.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>The roof of Milan Cathedral; the + innumerable statues and fretted pinnacles show in dazzling + relief against the intense blue sky. Through the open-work + of the parapet is seen the vast Piazza, with its yellow toy + tram-cars, and the small crawling figures which cast + inordinately long shadows. All around is a maze of pale + brown roofs, and beyond, the green plain blending on the + horizon with dove-coloured clouds in a quivering violet + haze.</i> CULCHARD <i>is sitting by a small doorway at the + foot of a flight of steps leading to the Spire.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:45%;"> + <a href="images/280.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/280.png" + alt="'She passes on with her chin in the air!'" /> + </a>"She passes on with her chin in the air!" + </div> + + <p><i>Culchard</i> (<i>meditating</i>). I think MAUD must have + seen from the tone in which I said I preferred to remain below, + that I object to that cousin of hers perpetually coming about + with us as he does. She's far too indulgent to him—a + posing, affected prig, always talking about the wonderful + things he's <i>going</i> to write! He had the impudence to tell + me I didn't know the most elementary laws of the sonnet this + morning! Withering repartee seems to have no effect whatever on + him, I wish I had some of PODBURY's faculty for flippant chaff! + I wonder if he and the PRENDERGASTS really are at Milan. I + certainly thought I recognised ——. If they are, + it's very bad taste of them, after the pointed way in which + they left Bellagio. I only hope we shan't—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Here the figure of</i> Miss PRENDERGAST <i>suddenly + emerges from the door</i>; CULCHARD <i>rises and stands + aside to let her pass; she returns his salutation + distantly, and passes on with her chin in the air; her + brother follows, with a side-jerk of recognition.</i> + PODBURY <i>comes last, and halts undecidedly.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>with a rather awkward laugh</i>). Here we + are again, eh? (<i>Looks after</i> Miss P., <i>hesitates, and + finally sits down by</i> CULCHARD.) Where's the fascinating + Miss TROTTER? How do you come to be off duty like this?</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>stiffly</i>). The fascinating Miss TROTTER + is up above with VAN BOODELER, so my services are not + required.</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> Up above? And HYPATIA just gone up with BOB! + Whew, there'll be ructions presently! Well out of it, you and + I! So it's BOODELER's turn now? That's rough on + <i>you</i>—after HYPATIA had whistled poor old BOB off. + As much out in the cold as ever, eh?</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> I am nothing of the kind. I find him + distasteful to me, and avoid him as much as I can, that's all. + I wish, PODBURY, er—I <i>almost</i> wish you could have + stayed with me, instead of allowing the PRENDERGASTS to carry + you off as you did. You would have kept VAN BOODELER in + order.</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> Much obliged, old chap; but I'm otherwise + engaged. Being kept in order myself. Oh, I <i>like</i> it, you + know. She's developing my mind like winking. Spent the whole + morning at the Brera, mugging up these old Italian Johnnies. + They really are clinkers, you know. RAPHAEL, eh?—and + GIOTTO, and MANTEGNA, and all that lot. As HYPATIA says, for + intensity of—er religious feeling, and—and subtlety + of symbolism, and—and so on, they simply take the + cake—romp in, and the rest nowhere! I'm getting quite the + connoisseur, I can tell you!</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> Evidently. I suppose there's no chance of + a—a <i>reconciliation</i> up there? [<i>With some + alarm.</i></p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> Don't you be afraid. When HYPATIA once gets her + quills up, they don't subside so easily! Hallo! isn't this old + TROTTER?</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>That gentleman appears in the doorway.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Mr. T.</i> Why, Mr. PODBURY, so you've come along here? + That's <i>right</i>! And how do you like Milan? I like the + place first-rate—it's a live city, Sir. And I like this + old cathedral, too; it's well constructed—they've laid + out money on it. I call it real ornamental, all these little + figgers they've stuck around—and not two of 'em a pair + either. Now, they might have had 'em all alike, and no one any + the wiser up so high as this; but it certainly gives it more + variety, too, having them different. Well, I'm going up as high + as ever I <i>can</i> go. You two better come along up with + me.</p> + + <h4><i>On the Top.</i></h4> + + <p><i>Miss P.</i> (<i>as she perceives</i> Miss T. <i>and her + companion</i>). Now, BOB, pray remember all I've told you! [BOB + <i>turns away, petulantly.</i></p> + + <p><i>Miss T.</i> (<i>aside, to</i> VAN B.). I guess the air's + got cooler up here, CHARLEY. But if that girl imagines she's + going to freeze <i>me</i>! (<i>Advancing to</i> Miss P.) Why, + my dear, it's almost too sweet for anything, meeting you + again!</p> + + <p><i>Miss P.</i> You're extremely kind, MAUD; I wish I could + return the compliment; but really, after what took place at + Bellagio, I—</p> + + <p><i>Miss T.</i> (<i>taking her arm</i>). Well, I'll own up to + being pretty horrid—and so were you; but there don't seem + any sense in our meeting up here like a couple of strange cats + on tiles. I won't fly out anymore, there! I'm just dying for a + reconciliation; and so is Mr. VAN BOODELER. The trouble I've + had to console that man! He never met anybody before haff so + interested in the great Amurrcan Novel. And he's wearying for + another talk. So you'd better give that hatchet a handsome + funeral, and come along and take pity on him.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[HYP., <i>after a struggle, yields, half-reluctantly, + and allows herself to be taken across to</i> Mr. VAN B., + <i>who greets her effusively</i>. Miss T. <i>leaves them + together.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Bob P.</i> (<i>who has been prudently keeping in the + background till now, decides that his chance has come</i>). How + do you do. Miss TROTTER? It's awfully jolly to meet you again + like this!</p> + + <p><i>Miss. T.</i> Well, I guess that remark would have been + more convincing if you'd made it a few minutes earlier.</p> + + <p><i>Bob</i>. I—I—you see, I didn't know.... I was + afraid—I rather thought—</p> + + <p><i>Miss T.</i> You don't get much further with <i>rather</i> + thinking, as a general rule, than if you didn't think at all. + But if you're at all anxious to run away the way you did at + Bellagio, you needn't be afraid <i>I'll</i> hinder you.</p> + + <p><i>Bob</i>. (<i>earnestly</i>). Run away! <i>Do</i> you + think I'd have gone if—I've felt dull enough ever since, + without <i>that</i>.'</p> + + <p><i>Miss T.</i> Oh, I expect you've had a beautiful time. + <i>We</i> have.</p> + + <p><i>Miss P.</i> (<i>coming up</i>). ROBERT, I thought you + wanted to see the Alps? You should come over to the other side, + and—</p> + + <p><i>Miss T.</i> I'll undertake that he sees the Alps, + darling, presently—when we're through our talk.</p> + + <p><i>Miss P.</i> As you please, dear. But (<i>pointedly</i>) + did I not see Mr. CULCHARD below?</p> + + <p><i>Miss T.</i> You don't mean to say you're wearied of Mr. + VAN BOODELER <i>already</i>! Well, Mr. CULCHARD will be along + soon, and I'll loan him to you. I'll tell him you're vurry + anxious to converse with him some more. He's just coming along + now, with Mr. PODBURY and Poppa.</p> + + <p><i>Miss P.</i> (<i>under her breath</i>). MAUD! if you + <i>dare</i>—!</p> + + <p><i>Miss T.</i> Don't you <i>dare</i> me, then—or + you'll see. But I don't want to be mean unless I'm obliged + to.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[Mr. TROTTER, <i>followed by</i> CULCHARD <i>and</i> + PODBURY, <i>arrives at the upper platform</i>. CULCHARD + <i>and</i> PODBURY <i>efface themselves as much as + possible.</i> Mr. TROTTER <i>greets</i> Miss PRENDERGAST + <i>heartily.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Mr. T.</i> Well now, I call this sociable, meeting all + together again like this. I don't see why in the land we didn't + <i>keep</i> together. I've been saying so to my darter here, + ever since Bellagio—ain't that so, MAUD? And <i>she</i> + didn't know just how it came about either.</p> + + <p><i>Miss P.</i> (<i>hurriedly</i>). We—we had to be + getting on. And I am afraid we must say good-bye now, Mr. + TROTTER. I want BOB and Mr. PODBURY to see the Da Vinci fresco, + you know, before the light goes. (Bob <i>mutters a highly + disrespectful wish concerning that work of Art.</i>) We + <i>may</i> see you again, before we leave for Verona.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. T.</i> Verona? Well, I don't care if I see Verona + myself. Seems a pity to separate now we <i>have</i> met, + <i>don't</i> it? See here, now, we'll <i>all</i> go along to + Verona together—how's that, MAUD? Start whenever + <i>you</i> feel like it, Miss PRENDERGAST. How does that + proposal strike you? I'll be real hurt if you cann't take to my + idea.</p> + + <p><i>Miss T.</i> The fact is, Poppa, HYPATIA isn't just sure + that Mr. PRENDERGAST wouldn't + object.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page281" + id="page281"></a>[pg 281]</span> + + <p><i>Bob P.</i> I—object? Not <i>much</i>! Just what I + should <i>like</i>, seeing Verona with—all + <i>together</i>, you know!</p> + + <p><i>Miss T.</i> Then I guess <i>that's</i> fixed. (<i>Aside, + to</i> Miss P., <i>who is speechless</i>). Come, you haven't + the heart to go and disappoint my poor Cousin CHARLEY by saying + you won't go! He'll be perfectly enchanted to be under + vow—unless you've filled up <i>all</i> the vacancies + already! (<i>Aloud, to</i> VAN B., <i>as he approaches</i>.) + We've persuaded Miss PRENDERGAST to join our party. I hope you + feel equal to entertaining her?</p> + + <p><i>Van B.</i> I shall be proud to be permitted to try. + (<i>To</i> Miss P.) Then I may take it that you agree with me + that the function of the future American fictionist will + be— [<i>They move away, conversing.</i></p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>To</i> CULCH.) I say, old fellow, we're to + be travelling companions again, after all. And a jolly good + thing, too, <i>I</i> think!... eh?</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> Oh, h'm—quite so. That is—but no + doubt it will be an advantage—(<i>with a glance at</i> + Van B., <i>who is absorbed in</i> Miss P.'s + <i>conversation</i>)—in—er—<i>some</i> + respects. (<i>To himself.</i>) Hardly from poor dear PODBURY's + point of view, I'm afraid, though! However, if <i>he</i> sees + nothing—! [<i>He shrugs his shoulders, pityingly.</i></p> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <p>Pocket-books for next year are coming in. Which for choice? + "<i>Solvitur ambulando</i>" should be the resolution of the + difficulty, given by one firm at least, that firm being + "WALKER." They are handy, and conveniently pocketable, but to + "The chiels amang ye taking notes," plain leaves, and no fruit, + and no dates, we should say, would be preferable. They're + reasonable prices, and you can't expect to get 'em for nothing; + if you do—"WALKER!"</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:35%;"> + <a href="images/281-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/281-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>The Baron highly approves of Messrs. DE LA RUE's + pocket-books. It is pleasant to have something in one's pocket, + even if only a book. As to account-books and diaries—well + enter nothing therein but what has been pleasant and + profitable, and most diarians who adopt this rule will not find + their memoranda overcrowded at the end of the year. "Letts be + happy, while we can, and good luck to you, Ladies all, in 1892. + Leap year!" quoth the Baron. "Over you go like the villagers in + the German story, after the sheep, into the sea of matrimony, + where may you all get on swimmingly." <i>À propos</i>, Mesdames + BLYTHE and GAY say that the Christmas Number of <i>Woman</i>, + produced by a number of women, is as full of attractive power + as the Magnetic Lady herself.</p> + + <p>"ARROWSMITH's Shilling Sensational, by 'a New Author,'" + quoth the Baron, "would, methought, serve <i>pour me + distraire</i>." The "New Author" uses the remarkably new device + of a mole on the lost child's breast. Isn't that original? + <i>Miss Box</i> and <i>Miss Cox</i> are lost, and found. "Have + you a mole on your left breast?" "Yes!" "Then it is both of + you!" Charming! So useful is the explanation that "Hanwell is a + little village, a few miles from London." Perhaps it is the + locality, there or thereabouts, where this thrillingly + interesting tale—which could have been told in fifty + pages, and needn't have been told at all—was written. + Well, well, "All's Hanwell that ends Hanwell," and "I've + galloped through a worse story before now," quoth the Baron, + yawning, and so to bed.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/281-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/281-2.png" + alt="Turning over the pages." /></a>Turning over the + pages. + </div> + + <p>In <i>John Leech, His Life and Work</i> (BENTLEY) Mr. FRITH + quotes from an anonymous but obviously not an original + authority, the dictum, "It is the happiness of such a life (as + LEECH's) that there is so little to be told of it." Mr. BENTLEY + has produced two handsome volumes worthy the reputation of his + ancient and honourable house. They enshrine admirable + reproductions of some of LEECH's best work, selected by the + trained hand and sympathetic eye of Mr. FRITH. These are and + will remain the chief attractions of a work to which the Baron, + in common with the civilised world, has been looking forward to + with interest, and of whose realisation he regrets to hear so + disappointing an account from his trusty "Co." It is difficult + to find dates in this higgledy-piggledy chance-medley of facts + and opinions. But we all know that LEECH died in October, 1864. + It was in <i>Mr. Punch's</i> pages that he found the true field + for his heaven-born genius For twenty years at least he was one + of the most prominent, best known, and best liked men in + England. Surely within that period there must lie to the hand + of the dilligent seeker material for a memoir worthy to be + linked with the name of JOHN LEECH. Mr. FRITH has not given us + such a book, and criticism is only partly disarmed by the + comical reiteration of confession that he has failed in his + appointed task. For what he has to say in the way of making + known to the world the man JOHN LEECH, a very thin volume would + have sufficed, even had he included the more useful of his + remarks on LEECH's work and his method. But there being two + volumes to fill, Mr. FRITH genially summarises <i>The + Physiology of Evening Parties</i>, by Mr. ALBERT SMITH; <i>Mr. + Sponge's Sporting Tour</i>, and other not very high-class + literature, whose only claim to being remembered is that LEECH + illustrated them. Of <i>The Marchioness of Brinvilliers</i>, + ALBERT SMITH's attempt to rival the attractions of the + <i>Newgate Calendar</i>, Mr. FRITH positively gives two whole + chapters! He allots one to the <i>Bon Gaultier Ballads</i>, and + nineteen mortal pages to telling the <i>Story of Miss + Kilmansegg</i>, with copious extracts from that easily + accessible work.</p> + + <p>This is not Memoir-writing, it is book-making. The reader + can skip these chapters, and, diligently searching, will find + here and there a ray of light thrown on this beautiful placid + life, weighed down as it was from earliest manhood by family + circumstances at which Mr. FRITH delicately hints. "Give, + give!" was, truly, the cry of the daughters of the horseleach. + There are, however, several other anecdotes contributed by + personal friends of LEECH's, who have come to Mr. FRITH's + assistance, and succeed in the main in making the book an + interesting one, as giving the outside world some glimpses of a + sweet and manly character. The volumes are crowded with + illustrations. These are LEECH's own work, and make the volumes + worth more than their published price.</p> + + <p class="author">THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & CO.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>TO EVANGELINE.</h2> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, come and be my Queen,</p> + + <p class="i2">And share my lot</p> + + <p>In some artistic cot</p> + + <p class="i2">At Turnham Green,</p> + + <p class="i8">EVANGELINE!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The painted tambourine</p> + + <p class="i2">Shall grace its wall,</p> + + <p>And many a table small</p> + + <p class="i2">And folding screen</p> + + <p>Shall on its floor be seen,</p> + + <p class="i8">EVANGELINE!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Your beauty's dazzling sheen</p> + + <p class="i2">Upsets me quite—</p> + + <p>Of late my appetite</p> + + <p class="i2">Has wretched been,</p> + + <p class="i8">EVANGELINE!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I shun the soup tureen</p> + + <p class="i2">And pine for you;</p> + + <p>At pudding, joint, and stew</p> + + <p class="i2">My face turns green—</p> + + <p>What do the symptoms mean,</p> + + <p class="i8">EVANGELINE?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>If Fate should come between</p> + + <p class="i2">My Love and me,</p> + + <p>This countenance will be</p> + + <p class="i2">No more serene,</p> + + <p class="i8">EVANGELINE!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>With nitro-glycerine</p> + + <p class="i2">I'll speed my flight,</p> + + <p>Or else I will ignite</p> + + <p class="i2">Some Magazine—</p> + + <p>Some <i>Powder</i> Magazine,</p> + + <p class="i8">EVANGELINE!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>An Aunt at Will.</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[A lawsuit has been occasioned in India through white + ants devouring a will.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>It is usually supposed that Australia is topsey-turvey mad, + but in India it seems that matters also go by contraries, when + compared with their mode of procedure at home. A lawsuit has + been occasioned in Calcutta through white ants devouring a + will. In England our Aunts (who are generally whites) make + wills (bless them!) and <i>we</i> devour them, or at least live + on the proceeds.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page282" + id="page282"></a>[pg 282]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/282.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/282.png" + alt="DEAR CHILD!" /></a> + + <h3>DEAR CHILD!</h3> + + <p><i>Papa</i> (<i>to Friend from Town</i>). "THERE, MY + BOY, THAT'S WHAT YOU OUGHT TO DO! GET A GEE, AND COME OUT + WITH THE HOUNDS!"</p> + + <p><i>Little Daughter</i>. "OH, PAPA, TAKE CARE YOU DON'T + FALL OFF, AS YOU DID THE OTHER DAY!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>KATHLEEN AND PETRUCHIO;</h2> + + <h3>OR, SHAKSPEARE BALFOURISED.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Kathleen</i>. HIBERNIA. <i>Petruchio</i>. Mr. + BALFOUR.</p> + + <p class="i4"><i>Grumio</i>.... Mr. JACKSON.</p> + + <p class="i4"><i>Haberdasher</i>.. Mr. GLADSTONE.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Petruchio</i>. Thus have I politicly begun my + reign,</p> + + <p>And 'tis my hope to end successfully;</p> + + <p>My falcon now is sharp, and passing empty;</p> + + <p>And, till she stoop, she must not be + full-gorg'd,</p> + + <p>For then she never looks upon her lure.</p> + + <p>Another way I have to man my haggard,</p> + + <p>To make her come, and know her keeper's call;</p> + + <p>That is, to watch her, as we watch these kites</p> + + <p>That bate, and beat, and will not be obedient.</p> + + <p>She plays no tricks to-day, nor none shall play;</p> + + <p>Last Session she ruled not, nor shall next + Session;</p> + + <p>Resolute government is the only way</p> + + <p>To smooth these stormy spirits.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i4">All the same,</p> + + <p><i>After</i> the hurly-burly, I intend</p> + + <p>All shall be done in reverend care of her;</p> + + <p>And, in conclusion, she shall have her rights,</p> + + <p>If she will cease to rise, and rail, and brawl,</p> + + <p>And with her clangour keep the world awake.</p> + + <p>This is the way to kill her wrath with kindness,</p> + + <p>And thus I'll curb her mad and headstrong + humour.—</p> + + <p>He that knows better how to tame a shrew,</p> + + <p>Let him speak out! 'Tis time the kingdom knew!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <hr class="short" /> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Kathleen</i>. The more my wrong the more his + smile appears!</p> + + <p>How doth he madden me—and master + me!—</p> + + <p>I—I, who never knew how to submit,</p> + + <p>Nor never fancied that I should submit,—</p> + + <p>Am starved for strife, stupid for lack of + struggle,</p> + + <p>With Law kept bridled, and with Order saddled:</p> + + <p>And that, which spites me more than all these + stints,</p> + + <p>He does it under name of perfect love;</p> + + <p>As who should say, if I should have my will,</p> + + <p>'Twere deadly sickness or else present death.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <hr class="short" /> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Petruchio</i>. KATHLEEN, thou mend'st apace!</p> + + <p class="i4">And now, my love,</p> + + <p>Will we return unto thy father's house,</p> + + <p>And ruffle it as bravely as the best,</p> + + <p>With silken coats, and caps, and golden rings,</p> + + <p>With ruffs, and cuffs, and farthingales, and + things;</p> + + <p>With orange tissue trimmed with true-blue + bravery,</p> + + <p>Eschewing wearing of the green,—that's + knavery.</p> + + <p>See GRUMIO there! He waits thy loving leisure</p> + + <p>To deck thy body with his boxed-up treasure.</p> + + <p>A cap of mine own choice, come fresh from town;</p> + + <p>It will become thee better than a crown.</p> + + <p>'Tis my ideal. (<i>Enter</i> Haberdasher.) + Well—what would <i>you</i>, sirrah?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Haberdasher</i>. Here is the hat the lady did + bespeak!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Petruchio</i>. Why, this was moulded on a foreign + block,</p> + + <p>A Phrygian cap. Fie, fie! 'tis crude and + flaunting.</p> + + <p>Why, 'tis a coal-vase or a bushel-basket,</p> + + <p>A fraud, a toy, a trick, a verdant fool'scap:</p> + + <p>Away with it! Come, let me have a smaller!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Kathleen</i>. I'll have no smaller: this doth fit + the time,</p> + + <p>And gentlewomen wear such hats as these.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Petruchio</i>. When you are gentle, you shall + have one too,</p> + + <p>But of another pattern.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Grumio</i> (<i>aside</i>). Mine, to wit.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Kathleen</i>. Why, Sir, I trust I may have leave + to speak:</p> + + <p>And speak I will. I am no child, no babe:</p> + + <p>Your betters have endured me say my mind,</p> + + <p>And, if you cannot, best you stop your ears.</p> + + <p>My tongue will tell the craving of my heart,</p> + + <p>Or else my heart, concealing it, will break;</p> + + <p>And rather than it shall, I will be free</p> + + <p>E'en to the uttermost,—at least in words!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Petruchio</i>. Why, so thou art. But 'tis a + paltry hat</p> + + <p>This Haberdasher would fob off on thee.</p> + + <p>I love thee well, but <i>he</i>, he loves thee + not.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Kathleen</i>. Love me or love me not, I like the + hat,</p> + + <p>And it I will have, or I will have none.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Grumio</i> (<i>aside</i>). Then is she like to go + bareheaded long!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Left arguing. Sequel—some day.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <p>OUR OLD FRIEND ONCE MORE.—Mrs. RAM has lately taken to + theatre-going. She says, however, that she doesn't much care + about going on first nights of new pieces, as the Stalls are + full of Crickets.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page283" + id="page283"></a>[pg 283]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/283.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/283.png" + alt="KATHLEEN AND PETRUCHIO." /></a> + + <h3>KATHLEEN AND PETRUCHIO.</h3> + + <p>KATHLEEN. "I'LL HAVE NO SMALLER; THIS DOTH FIT THE TIME. + AND GENTLEWOMEN WEAR SUCH HATS AS THESE."</p> + + <p>PETRUCHIO. "WHEN YOU ARE GENTLE, YOU SHALL HAVE ONE TOO, + BUT—OF ANOTHER FASHION."—<i>Shakspeare + Balfourised</i>.</p> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page285" + id="page285"></a>[pg 285]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/285-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/285-1.png" + alt="The G.O.M. Illuminated by a Ray of Sunlight (Soap)." /> + </a>The G.O.M. Illuminated by a Ray of Sunlight (Soap). + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>PAUL PRY IN THE PURPLE.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Extracts from Letters found in a German + Post-bag.</i>)</h4> + + <h4><i>To a Bishop.</i></h4> + + <p>It has occurred to me that your sermons are not quite as + good as they should be. You do not seem to grasp your subject + with sufficient strength. I have not time to come to listen to + you, as I have other pressing engagements, and consequently + write from hearsay. Still, I believe I have good reason for my + strictures. However, that you may have an excellent example + upon which to model your discourses in the future, I will + myself visit your cathedral at a near date, and occupy your + pulpit. I will wire ten minutes before I arrive with my + sermon.</p> + + <h4><i>To a General.</i></h4> + + <p>I congratulate you upon the success of the recent + manoeuvres. Nothing could have been finer than the manner in + which the entire Army saluted me on my approach. Perhaps the + bands might have played the National Anthem half-an-hour longer + or so, but for all that, the effect was excellent. And now I + have got a really splendid idea. And you must help me. I want + to order all the troops to another part of the country without + telling their officers, and then, when they least expect it, + you and I will order a general assembly. It will be such a joke + to see the commanders when they appear on parade without any + soldiers! They will be so surprised! And sha'n't we laugh! But + mind, not a word to anyone until we have had our fun. As an old + soldier who has deserved well of his Fatherland, I rely on your + discretion.</p> + + <h4><i>To a Theatrical Manager.</i></h4> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:15%;"> + <a href="images/285-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/285-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>I was at the performances in your play-house the other + evening, and, as I told you at the time, was not at all + satisfied with the representation. I informed you that when I + had time I would jot down my complaints, and I am now keeping + my promise. I don't like the costume of the Tragedy + Queen—her heels are too high and why does she wear + gloves? The Low Comedian does not make the most of his part. He + has to walk about with a band-box. Now why does he not seize + the opportunity to place it on a chair and sit upon it? This + would have a very comical effect. I have seen it done, and it + made me laugh. Please let him sit upon the band-box for the + future. If he sits down accidentally the effect will be + heightened. It will be very funny. By the way, let all the + box-keepers give programmes free of charge to officers and + ladies under forty. I shall soon be at the theatre again to + attend a rehearsal. I will wire ten minutes before I come, so + that you may have proper time to call your company together. + Till then, you incompetent sausage, you can enjoy your Lager + and pipe in peace!</p> + + <h4><i>To a Doctor.</i></h4> + + <p>I have been reading some of the Medical Journals, and I am + not quite sure whether I think your manner of cutting off a leg + is the proper way. It may be, but, on the other hand, it may + not. Before you cut off another leg communicate with me, and I + will fix a date (as early as I can—probably within six + months), when I can see your patient, and give you my opinion. + By the way, do not go your rounds until you hear from me, as I + may want to see you at any time.</p> + + <h4><i>To a Coach-builder.</i></h4> + + <p>You don't know how to make a carriage. The other day I + thought of a capital idea, but, for the moment, cannot remember + it. However, I fancy it had something to do with square wheels. + At any rate you had better not make any more carriages until I + call. I will come as soon as I can—probably before Spring + twelvemonths.</p> + + <h4><i>To a Relative.</i></h4> + + <p>Had not time to answer your letter before. I do not in the + least agree with you. I hate people who do not mind their own + business. Why not attend to your own, and leave mine alone? If + you do not take care, <i>I will arrange to visit you in + State!</i> So you had better mind what you are about!</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>PROGRAMME OF THE CYCLOPÆDIC CIRCUS.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Under the Immediate Patronage of Lord + Salisbury.</i>)</h4> + + <p>The Members of the School Board of Little Peddlington have + the honour to announce that, in deference to the expressed + opinion of the</p> + + <h4>PREMIER OF THE UNITED KINGDOM,</h4> + + <p>that it would be wise to substitute Circuses for + school-rooms in the provinces, have arranged for the holding + of</p> + + <h3>A GRAND SCHOLASTIC GALA,</h3> + + <p>on a scale of unprecedented magnificence. The Members have + engaged, at considerable expense, that admirable Artist,</p> + + <h4>THE COURIER OF BOTH THE GLOBES,</h4> + + <p>who will, during a rapid ride on a retired cab-horse, + exhibit and explain a series of gigantic maps of</p> + + <h4>EUROPE, ASIA, AFRICA, AND AMERICA.</h4> + + <p>This Star Artist will be followed by that talented + <i>troupe</i> of relatives who for many years have drawn + enormous crowds to their performances under the assumed but + appropriate name of</p> + + <h4>THE BOUNDING BROTHERS OF THE SPELLING-BEES.</h4> + + <p>They will go through their marvellous feats in tossing + barrels (bearing on their sides painted letters), and thus + combining amusement with instruction. Their last act will be to + keep in simultaneous motion a sufficient number of labelled + milk-cans to spell the sentence, "Farewell to all kind friends + in front." This marvellous double quartette will be followed + by</p> + + <h4>THE ARITHMETICAL BICYCLIST,</h4> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:19%;"> + <a href="images/285-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/285-3.png" + alt="The Arithmetical Bicyclist." /></a> + </div> + + <p>who will ride his favourite two-wheeled vehicle while he + sings a song introducing in a pleasing manner the + Multiplication Table. This sweet-toned vocalist will be + succeeded by</p> + + <h4><i>The Star-loving Pig attended by Comical + Herschel.</i></h4> + + <p>In which the former will spell out (with the assistance of + card-board letters) a number of interesting astronomical facts + at the instigation of his mirth-provoking master and + proprietor. This talented performer will be followed by</p> + + <h4>THE UNIVERSAL KNOWLEDGE QUADRILLE.</h4> + + <p>In which the entire <i>troupe</i> will appear on horseback, + and go through the programme of studies (proficiency in which + is required by the Tenth Standard) without a single + mistake.</p> + + <p>The performances will then be brought to an appropriate and + jubilant conclusion by</p> + + <h4><i>A Silver Collection in aid of the Rates!</i></h4> + <hr /> + + <p>QUEER QUERIES.—OUR DEFENCES.—I am informed that + Mr. STANHOPE is expected shortly to go abroad, "in order to + recruit." Can even the blindest military optimist any longer + deny that the British Army is a nefarious imposture, when the + Minister for War is forced into an ignominious attempt to raise + a body of foreign mercenaries by his own personal efforts?</p> + + <p class="author">HALF-PAY PATRIOT.</p> + + <p>SCIENTIFIC.—Could you kindly tell me what "the Great + Ice Age" means? My Pater took me to hear some fellow lecture + about it the other day, but I couldn't understand much of what + he said. I thought he was going to talk about strawberry ices + and lemon ices, which I like awfully, but he didn't even + mention them! Don't you think <i>twelve</i> is the great Ice + Age—I mean the age when boys ought to be allowed to eat + as many as they like? N.B.—I am just twelve.</p> + + <p class="author">TOMMY</p> + <hr /> + + <p>WORTH SEEING.—"We understand that to the Exhibition of + "Instruments of Torture," and now on view in London, have been + lately added the Medici Collar, a Piano Organ, and a + "Shakspeare for the use of Schools."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>MEM. BY "THE OFFICIAL RECEIVER."—"Firm as a Rock" will + not be henceforth a proverb of universal application.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page286" + id="page286"></a>[pg 286]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/286.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/286.png" + alt="ELECTION FEVER. A VICTIM'S VICISSITUDES." /></a> + + <h3>ELECTION FEVER. A VICTIM'S VICISSITUDES.</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page287" + id="page287"></a>[pg 287]</span> + + <h2>TRAN-SLATED.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Being a newly-discovered fragment of an old Greek Play, + supposed to be a very early</i> "<i>Agamemnon</i>.")</h4> + <hr class="short" /> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Cly.</i> The coals I bought as Wallsend are not + so.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Ag.</i> Thus groundless hopes vanish—like + coals in smoke.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Cly.</i> You speak in words Mysterious, lacking + sense.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Ag.</i> The sense is patent to the reasoning + mind.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Cly.</i> And yet I paid for them upon the + nail.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Ag.</i> What matter, if the price was far too + low?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Cly.</i> Then call you eighteen shillings low for + coal?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Ag.</i> Yes, for "Prime Wallsend"—what + could you expect?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Cly.</i> Listen! In passing 'long the public + way</p> + + <p class="i2">I saw a notice telling of these + coals.</p> + + <p class="i2">It called them "ever-burning": said no + skill</p> + + <p class="i2">Could put them out when once they were + alight,</p> + + <p class="i2">Because they were "the best the world + produced."</p> + + <p class="i2">I purchased some. Ai! ai! They turned out + slates.</p> + + <p class="i2">My household maidens by Prometheus + swear</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>They</i> never saw such stuff for + lighting fires.</p> + + <p class="i2">What of it is not slag, that part is + slate,</p> + + <p class="i2">And slated should they be that sold it + me.</p> + + <p class="i2">Moreover, when with anger I remarked</p> + + <p class="i2">To those who bore the sacks upon their + backs,</p> + + <p class="i2">Within our cellars to deposit them,</p> + + <p class="i2">That they had better bear their loads + away</p> + + <p class="i2">Seeing I ordered coals, not lumps of + slate,</p> + + <p class="i2">They answered that, if they refused to + burn,</p> + + <p class="i2">They might be useful for a Rockery!</p> + + <p class="i2">So now <i>they</i> have the shillings, + <i>I</i> the coals.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Ag.</i> And having them, we have no household + fires.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Cly.</i> What then to do? <i>You</i> sit with + idle hands.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Ag.</i> I cannot turn to Wallsend bits of + slag.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Cly.</i> But you can seek the Archon, and + denounce</p> + + <p class="i2">The man whose cunning robs our hearth of + flame.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Ag.</i> (<i>going out</i>). In what you say not + nothing I perceive.</p> + + <p class="i2">Women, in hunting cheapness, capture + costs.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <h4>CHORUS. STROPHE.</h4> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i4">The puny race of men</p> + + <p class="i4">Soars, in imagination, to the skies;</p> + + <p class="i4">While tackling Science and Theosophy</p> + + <p class="i4">Their hands the coal-scoop grasp!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <h4>CHORUS. ANTISTROPHE.</h4> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i4">From high Olympus Zeus</p> + + <p class="i4">Smiles at the perjuries of + coal-heavers.</p> + + <p class="i4">Not always is the cheapest article</p> + + <p class="i4">The one that turns out best.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/287-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/287-1.png" + alt="THINGS ONE WOULD WISH TO HAVE EXPRESSED DIFFERENTLY." /> + </a> + + <h3>THINGS ONE WOULD WISH TO HAVE EXPRESSED + DIFFERENTLY.</h3>"WELL, GOOD-BYE, MISS SMITH. TELL THE + OTHERS I WAS VERY SORRY NOT TO FIND ANYONE AT + HOME—A—A—A—EXCEPT YOU—A!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>A BOARD-SCHOOL CHRISTMAS.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>An Anticipation of the not very Distant + Future.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/287-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/287-2.png" + alt="Reading newspapers at their Club." /></a> + </div> + + <p>It was a very unseasonable Yule-tide. Instead of the + old-fashioned mild weather that had been the constant companion + of Christmas for many years, the ground was covered with snow + and the river blocked with ice. However, thanks to modern + improvements, the artisans had not been impeded in executing + their four hours of labour as provided by a recent statute. + They had been sitting at their Club (supported by the State), + reading the newspapers purchased out of the rates, and were + only annoyed that no food and drink was supplied them free + gratis and for nothing.</p> + + <p>"It would never do," said an old workman, who remembered the + eight-hour day that used to prevail at the end of the + Nineteenth Century. "You see were we to have beer at will, the + brewers' draymen might complain. It was once attempted, but the + Licensed Victuallers made such a disturbance that the idea was + abandoned."</p> + + <p>"There is something in what you say," observed a second + workman; "but, for the life of me, I don't see why the Nation + shouldn't provide bread."</p> + + <p>"No, there you are out!" cried a third. "I am a baker, and + anything that interferes with my industry won't do."</p> + + <p>And so they talked, discussing this and that, until all the + subjects of the leaders in the daily papers had been exhausted. + It was then that one of the workmen suggested a walk and a pipe + on the Embankment.</p> + + <p>So they lounged down the main thoroughfare of London, with + its pleasant <i>cafés</i> and well-appointed + <i>restaurants</i>, and came to the conclusion (for the + fiftieth time) that it was far better than anything of the same + kind in Paris, or any other of the capitals of Europe. They had + all been abroad during their State-assisted vacation, and + consequently had the chief towns of the world, so to speak, at + their finger-tips. As they sauntered along, they came to a + group of half-starved, perambulating performers, who were + giving an entertainment to a crowd of bystanders. It was not a + good programme. First a young woman in rags, played on an old + piano, with decent precision, some extremely difficult + variations of CHOPIN's <i>Funeral March</i>. She was followed + by a man who painted a portrait of a leading statesman + indifferently well. Then another man jumped into the river, and + made his way in the cold water with the ease of a fifth-rate + professional swimmer. Then a second young woman recited + something or other in German, with an atrocious English accent. + And the whole concluded with a lecture upon chemistry (given by + a seedy-looking old man), which was illustrated with some + ambitious, but feeble experiments.</p> + + <p>On the balance the performance was a bore, and the public + were rather pleased than otherwise, when a police constable + ordered the <i>troupe</i> "to move on." The poor people + gathered together their <i>impedimenta</i> and prepared to obey + the officer's behest. It was then that the performers came face + to face with the artisans. There was a cry of recognition.</p> + + <p>"Why, would you believe it!" exclaimed one of the workmen, + "if it isn't SALLY JONES, and TOMMY BROWN, and NORAH JENKINS, + and HARRY SMITH!"</p> + + <p>The well-fed and the starving cordially greeted one another. + Then there were mutual explanations, and the old man who had + lectured upon chemistry had his + say:—</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page288" + id="page288"></a>[pg 288]</span> + + <p>"You want to know why we are all starving, and why we are so + much worse off than you, although we were educated at the same + Board School? I will tell you. It was because you very wisely + made up your minds to follow the occupations of your fathers. + You became builders, bakers, coal-heavers and paviors.</p> + + <p>"Ah, we did that," sighed out the elderly workman, "because + we were too backward to attempt anything better. We were not + clever people like you! We couldn't play the piano, and paint + and swim, and go in for chemistry. We were not clever enough, + and had to put up with passing a very low standard."</p> + + <p>"Thank your lucky stars it was so," exclaimed the chemist, + with tears in his eyes, "for your fate is happier than ours. We + are all fifth-rate, and can do nothing else. We have no chance + against those who have been born to this kind of thing, and we + have forgotten how to do your work. So we are starving, + and—"</p> + + <p>But here the old man was interrupted by a policeman, who + ordered all of them to move on. And on they moved. Half one way + and half the other.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR OWN FINANCIAL COLUMN.</h2> + + <p>"CROESUS" has vanished! We can scarcely find it in our heart + to add anything to this distressing statement; but for the sake + of our readers whom he may have induced to patronise his + financial schemes, we give a few slight details of the + disaster.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/288-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/288-1.png" + alt="Portrait of 'Croesus.'" /></a>Portrait of + "Croesus." + </div> + + <p>Four days ago enormous piles of letters began to arrive at + our office. They were addressed to "CROESUS," and had been sent + on to us from his last address marked "gone away; try office of + <i>Punch</i>." We opened them. They were all threatening + letters.</p> + + <p>"Why," wrote one angry gentleman, "have I heard nothing from + you since I sent you my cheque for £10,000? Unless I receive a + reply within a week, legal proceedings will be taken." The rest + were similar in tone. Thereupon we resolved to call at the last + address given to us by "CROESUS." It was somewhere in the Mile + End Road. We arrived, entered, ascended the stairs, and found + in a dingy back bed-room, three used half-penny stamps, a false + nose, a pair of whiskers, and a large sheet of paper on which + were written only these words: "Sold Again"—which + obviously referred to some financial scheme or other. On + inquiring of the landlady, we heard that her lodger had + departed two days before, taking with him two large and heavy + wooden chests. He had promised to return. We then consulted the + police. They are very reticent, but consider they have got a + clue.</p> + + <p>And here we owe it to our readers to make a confession. We + have never set eyes on "CROESUS." We engaged him entirely on + the strength of the most glowing recommendations from a whole + bevy of Bank-Managers, including the Managers of the Bank of + Lavajelli, of the Pei-ho Provinces, of Samarcand, of Ashanti + and of Dodge County, U.S.A. All these gentlemen wrote in the + most complimentary terms of "CROESUS." "He is a man," wrote the + Manager of the Dodge County Bank, "whom I have had the honour + to know intimately for a considerable number of years. Indeed, + we were educated together, and not a day has passed since then + without our meeting. I beg to state that I consider him + thoroughly fitted for the responsible position of financial + director of a high-class Metropolitan paper. His personal + appearance is aristocratic and prepossessing, his manners have + about them a distinction which impresses all who meet him, and + his dress, though modest, is always pleasing. His complete + command of twenty-four languages must be of the highest + advantage to him in unravelling the tangled skein of + international finance." Acting upon such testimonials we + engaged "CROESUS." We have now reason to believe that we have + been made the victims of a gross and cruel deception. An expert + in handwriting, whom we have consulted, gives it as his + opinion, that every single one of these recommendations is in + the handwriting of "CROESUS" himself, and the police, after + protracted inquiries, have assured us that the Banks, whose + supposed managers addressed us in favour of "CROESUS," never + had any actual existence at all.</p> + + <p>All we can do now is to assist justice by publishing + herewith the photograph of "CROESUS." We apologise to all whom + he may have deceived, but we do not hold ourselves responsible + for any damage he has caused. We shall publish no more + financial contributions in the meantime.</p> + + <p class="author">ED.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>ENGLISH AS SHE IS SUNG.</h2> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:18%;"> + <a href="images/288-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/288-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>MR. PUNCH, SIR,—If I start a butcher's business, and + give my shop the special title of The <i>Welsh</i> Meat Shop, + is the great British Public so narrow-minded as to expect me to + sell them only Welsh meat, the produce of Welsh farms only? If + so, the Public, with all due respect, is a hass. For if I who + have to live,—though perhaps others may not see the + necessity for my existence,—by my trade, find that the + Welsh meat, which the Public had expected to be ready and + waiting, is not forthcoming, only one of two things can I do; + the one is to shut up shop (which I won't), and the other is to + provide my intending customers with French, Indian, English, + Irish, Scotch, American, Australian, New Zealandian, Cape + Colonial, in fact with any meat I can get from anywhere, and as + long as it is toothsome, and I can afford to sell it at an + average price, why should it not be sold at my Royal Welsh Meat + Shop?</p> + + <p>When I call my shop The Royal Welsh Meat Shop, do I thereby + bar myself from dealing in English or foreign meats? Do I bar + myself from dealing in Indian pickles or China oranges? No, + certainly not; nor do I bar myself from selling neckties, + gloves, ginger-beer, and Brazil nuts. So, when a House of + Musical Entertainment is styled The English Opera House, it + must be understood, "all to the contrary nevertheless and + notwithstanding," to mean an English House where Opera may be + performed, and not a Theatre where only English Opera is + Housed. "My soul can not be fettered," as the poet + says,—what poet, I don't know and don't care, but he said + it, whoever he was, and <i>he was right</i>. If there is no + English Opera for my House, then I get a French Opera, or a + Dutch one, just as at an oyster-shop—but perhaps this is + not quite the illustration I should like, as, at an + oyster-shop, they <i>do</i> ask you which you will have, + "Natives," or "Seconds," or "Anglo-Dutch"; and, when you can't + afford Natives, you put up with an inferior quality at a lesser + price. But if that oyster-seller called his shop "The + Native-Oyster Shop," should I have any ground of action against + him for selling any other oysters except Natives? No. But then + he would ask me "If I wanted Natives or not?" And if I said + "Yes," he would give me Natives. Now I admit I do not ask the + Public at the doors Which will you have? because I may not be + able to have an English Opera always on tap, so to speak. + Metaphors a bit confused, but you know what I mean. If I had a + few English Operas on tap I might turn 'em on, say, on Mondays, + Wednesdays and Fridays: English Opera by English Composers on + those days, and on the other days, any Operas by any Composers. + But if the Public <i>won't</i> come on the English Opera + nights, and <i>will</i> come on the other nights? What then? + Why obviously I must keep my Natives (if I have any) in a + barrel, and deal only with the foreign supply. "Blame not the + Bard"—I mean blame not the patriotic man of business, but + let our cry be "Art for Art's sake," and the English Opera for + ever! that is, as long as Art and English Opera pay.</p> + + <p class="author">Yours,<br /> + A MANAGER FIRST AND ANYTHING YOU LIKE AFTERWARDS.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>LATEST FROM SHOTSHIRE.—The only appropriate beverage + for a Sportsman out shooting,—why "Pop" to be sure.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +101, December 12, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14165-h.htm or 14165-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/1/6/14165/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101, December 12, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 26, 2004 [EBook #14165] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 101. + + + +December 12, 1891. + + + + +LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS. + +NO. VIII.--TO LAZINESS. + +BEST (AND BEST-ABUSED) OF ABSTRACTIONS, + +My heart positively warms to you as I write. At this precise moment I +can think of a hundred different things that I ought to be doing. For +instance, I have not written to TOM, who is in the wilds of Canada, +for months. His last letter ended with a pathetic appeal for an +answer. + +"Never mind, old chap," he said, "about not having any news. Little +details that you may think too insignificant to relate are bound to +interest me in this deserted spot. I am sure you occasionally meet I +some of our friends of the old days. Tell them I often think of them +and all the fun we used to have together. It all seems like a dream to +me now. Let me know what any of them are doing. I heard six months ago +from a fellow who was touring out here that JACK BUMPUS was married. +If it is really our old JACK, congratulate him, and give him my love. +I don't know his present address. But, whatever you do, write. A +letter from you is like water in the desert." + +[Illustration] + +When I read that letter I became full of the noblest resolutions. Not +another day should pass, I vowed, before I answered it. So I prepared +a great many sheets of thin note-paper, carefully selected a clean nib +and sat down at my writing-table to begin. As I did so my eyes fell +upon _Martin Chuzzlewit_, which was lying within easy reach. The book +seemed positively to command me to read it for the tenth time. I took +it up, and in another moment _Mrs. Gamp_ had taken possession of +me. My writing-chair was uncomfortable. I transferred myself into an +arm-chair. Is it necessary to add that I did not write to TOM? His +letter is getting frayed and soiled from being constantly in my +pocket. Day after day it accompanies me on my daily round, unanswered +and seemingly unanswerable. For I feel it to be a duty to write, and +my mind abhors a duty. The letter weighs upon my conscience like lead. +A few strokes of the pen would remove the burden, but I simply cannot +screw myself up to the task. That is one of the things I ought to do. + +Again, ought I not to call on the WHITTLESEAS? Mr. and Mrs. WHITTLESEA +have simply overflowed with kindness towards me. I never enjoyed +anything more than the week I spent at their house in Kent a short +time ago. They are now in town, and, what is more, they know that I am +in town too. Of course I ought to call. It's my plain duty, and that +is, as far as I can tell, the only reason which absolutely prevents +me from calling upon that hospitable family. Why need I go through +the long list of my pressing duties? I ought to write my article on +"Modern Theosophy: A Psychological Parallel," for the next number of +_The Brain_. I ought to visit my dentist; I ought to have my hair +cut. But I shall do none of these things. On the other hand, it is +absolutely unnecessary that I should write to you. No evil would +befall me if I waited another year, or even omitted altogether to +write to you. And that is the precise reason why I am now addressing +you. As a matter of fact, I like you. As I have already said, the +performance of strict duties is irksome to me. It is you, my dear +LAZINESS, who forbid me to perform them, and thus save me from many an +uncongenial task. That is why I like you. + +And, after all, the common abuse of you is absurd. I have heard grave +and industrious persons declare emphatically that any one who allows +himself to fall under your sway debars himself utterly from every +chance of success. Fiddlesticks! I snap my fingers at such folly. +What do these gentlemen say to the case of FIGTREE, the great Q.C.? +Everybody knows that FIGTREE is, without exception, the most indolent +man in the world. Let any doubter walk down Middle Temple Lane and +ask the first young barrister he meets what he thinks of FIGTREE. I +am ready to wager my annual income that the reply will be, "What, Old +FIGTREE! Why, he's the laziest man at the Bar. I thought everybody +knew that." I may be told, of course, that FIGTREE appears in all the +big cases--that his management of them is extraordinarily successful; +that the Judges defer to him; that his speech in the Camberwell +poisoning case lasted a day and a half, and is acknowledged to be a +masterpiece of forensic eloquence, fit to rank with the best efforts +of ERSKINE; that his fees always exceed ten thousand pounds a year and +that his book on _Fines and Recoveries_ is a monument of industry. All +this I shall hear from some member of the outside public, who does not +know his FIGTREE. But the fact remains. FIGTREE is the most indolent +being alive. I doubt if he can be induced to read a brief before he +goes into Court. Many are the tales told by those who have been his +juniors of the marvellous skill and address with which FIGTREE has +time after time extricated himself from awkward situations into which +he had been led by his ignorance of the details of the case in which +he happened to be engaged. In the sensational libel case of _Bagwell_ +v. _Muter_, FIGTREE, as you must remember, appeared for the defendant. +When the plaintiff's Junior Counsel had opened the pleadings, FIGTREE +actually got up, and, had not his own Junior pulled him down, he would +then and there have opened the case for the plaintiff. Yet FIGTREE's +cross-examination of that same plaintiff, travelling as it did over +a long period of time, and dealing with a most complicated story, in +which dates were of the first importance, is still cited by those who +heard it as the most remarkable display of its kind which the English +Courts have afforded for years past. Whether the unfortunate BAGWELL, +whom it showed conclusively to be a swindler and an impostor, has an +equal admiration for it, I know not, nor is he, I fancy, likely to +tell us, even when he returns from the prison which is now the scene +of his labours. How FIGTREE, who at the outset did not even know on +which side he appeared, managed in the time at his command to master +this intricate case, must ever remain a mystery. HARRY ADDLESTONE, +his Junior, is accustomed to talk darkly of a marvellous chronological +analysis of the case which he had prepared for his leader, and +evidently wishes me to believe that he, rather than FIGTREE, is to be +credited with the success achieved. But the Solicitors have not yet +withdrawn their confidence from FIGTREE to transfer it to ADDLESTONE. + +Here, then, is an instance of a perfectly indolent man rising higher +and higher every year on the ladder of professional advancement. I +can only attribute it, my dear LAZINESS, to your beneficent influence, +which preserves the great barrister from the weary labours to which +his rivals daily submit. They say of him that he knows nothing of +law. If I grant that, it merely proves that a knowledge of law is not +required for success in the profession of the law. The deduction is +dangerous, but obvious, and I recommend it warmly to all who are about +to be called to the Bar. + +I don't think I have anything more to say to you to-day; indeed, I +know that you would be the last to desire that the writing of this +letter should he in any way irksome to me. Besides, it is five o'clock +P.M. My arm-chair invites me. I feel tired, and, that being so, I +am convinced it would he an act of pedantic folly to deny myself the +sweet refreshment of half-an-hour's sleep. Farewell, kindly one. I +shall always rejoice to honour you, and celebrate your praise. + +Yours, with all goodwill, DIOGENES ROBINSON. + +P.S.--I reopen this letter to say that I have just read in an evening +paper a terrible account of the total destruction by a tornado of +the town in Canada which was poor TOM's place of exile. "The loss +of life," it is added, "has been great, and several Englishmen are +amongst the victims." No names are given. Good gracious! If TOM has +indeed perished, how am I ever to forgive myself for neglecting him? +What must he have thought of me? I curse myself in vain for my--bah! +What is the use of telling you this? The same paper informs me, in the +elegant language appropriate to these occasions, that "Mr. FIGTREE, +Q.C., has been offered, and has accepted, the vacant Lord-Justiceship +of Appeal." + + * * * * * + + +AN OPPORTUNITY.--A Lyme Regis Correspondent sends us the following +advertisement, found, he says, in the _Bridport News_; we omit dates +and names:-- + + ---- will SELL by AUCTION, Three Fine DAIRY COWS to calve + _respectfully_ in Dec., April, and May next. An excellent + double-feeding chaff-cutter, &c. + +A respectful cow will no doubt fulfil her engagements honorably. "A +double-feeding chaff-cutter" ought to be an acquisition to a fast set +on a coach at the Derby, though of course his "double-feeding" powers +would have to be amply provided for at luncheon time. + + * * * * * + +"The nearest thing to 'setting the Thames on fire,'" said a quiet +traveller by the Underground, "is the announcement which you will now +see at the St. James's Park Station:--'A LIGHT HERE FOR NIAGARA.'" +"Why," exclaimed an irate passenger to the timid suggestion of +the above, "of course it doesn't mean _that_." Then he added, +contemptuously, "Get out!" Which he did. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: RUSTICUS EXPECTANS. (NEW POLITICAL VERSION OF AN OLD +FABLE.)] + + * * * * * + +RUSTICUS EXPECTANS; + +_OR, THE NEW DUMBLEDUMDEARY._ + + "Rusticus expectat, dum defluat amnis; at ille + Labitur, et labetur in omne volubilis aevum." + +HORACE. + +AIR--"_DUMBLEDUMDEARY_." + + In the fall of the year, when M.P.'s were about, + And speeches burst forth like a waterspout, + HODGE took up his bundle, and caught up his staff, + And went for a walk--if you please, don't laugh!-- + Singing dumbledumdeary, dumbledumdeary, + Dumble, dumble, dumbledumdee! + + Oh, HODGE had put on his bettermost smock, + And wore his billycock gaily a-cock; + For HODGE nowadays is a person of note, + And great Governments bow to the "hind,"--with a vote. + Singing dumbledumdeary, &c. + + So he strolled on wi'out dread or fear + Of Squoire or Parson, or County Peer, + For the spouting M.P. and the Liberal Van + Had made of the shock-headed joskin a Man! + Singing dumbledumdeary, &c. + + With promises stuffed, and with hope inspired, + HODGE walked, and walked till he felt quite tired; + So he sat himself down on the bank of a stream, + And, falling asleep, dreamed a wonderful dream. + Singing dumbledumdeary, &c. + + The old, old stream was no longer the brook + Where he'd angled for minnows with worm and hook; + It swelled and swirled, and its rippling voice + Was changed to loud echoes of platform noise. + Singing dumbledumdeary, &c. + + And it seemed to address him, "How long, friend HODGE, + In a smock you will slave, in a pig-stye lodge? + The Town revolts, but the landlord crew + Still rule the rustics. What can you do?" + Singing dumbledumdeary, &c. + + "Oh, I can reap, and I can sow; + And I can plough, and I can mow; + And, as Lord RIPON doth treuly say, + _I can yarn my eighteen-pence a day_!" + Singing dumbledumdeary, &c. + + "Oh, that," cried the Voices, "will never do! + HODGE now must have freedom, and comfort too, + And Village Councils, Allotments, and Larks! + Though the Landlords take fright for their Manors and Parks," + Singing dumbledumdeary, &c. + + "No more must he live like a pig in a stye, + Or _we_ (Tory _Codlir_, Rad _Short_) will know why. + And if you'll consent just to vote for _us_ now, + We'll put a new tune to your old 'Speed the Plough!'" + Singing dumbledumdeary, &c. + + Then HODGE, slightly puzzled, beheld (in his dream) + A legion of faces that flowed with the stream. + "There's two WILLIAMS, and JOEY, and JESSE!" he cried, + "SOLLY, BALFY, and JOKIM talk, too, from the tide,--" + Singing dumbledumdeary, &c. + + "They're making a vast sight o' noise, and I fear, + Whilst they all shout together, their _meaning's_ scarce clear. + They all drift one way, though, out yonder I'll sit! + And wait till the shindying slackens a bit." + Singing dumbledumdeary, &c. + + So HODGE, like old HORACE's Rustic, still waits + Till the waters flow by, or their turmoil abates; + And then hopes to reach "Happy Home" o'er that stream. + Let _us_ hope that he mayn't find it _only_ a dream! + Singing dumbledumdeary, dumbledumdeary, + Dumble, dumble, dumbledumdee! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE TRIALS OF AN ANXIOUS "JUNIOR." + +PROMPTING A DEAF AND TESTY "CHIEF" IN OPEN COURT IS NOT HIS IDEA OF +PERFECT BLISS.] + + * * * * * + +"DICK" POWER. + +When the House of Commons meets in February, it will find many vacant +places. Save, perhaps, on that sacred to the memory of OLD MORALITY, +none will draw towards it such sorrowful glances as the bench below +the Gangway, where, last Session, DICK POWER's smiling face was +found. Everyone in the House knew "DICK," and all liked him--a +modest-mannered, merry-hearted man, whom a strange destiny had not +only dragged into political life, but, as Whip of the Parnellite +Party, had made him the official representative of a body for the most +part socially unknown, and disliked with a fervour happily not often +imported into Parliamentary warfare. DICK POWER, whilst never swerving +by a hair's breadth from loyalty to his colleagues and his leader, +so bore himself that he was welcome in any Parliamentary circle, from +"GOSSET's Room" to the floor of the House, which he sometimes "took" +to deliver a witty speech in support of a Motion for adjourning +over the Derby. He was only in his fortieth year, married scarce a +fortnight, when comes the blind Fury with the abhorred shears and +slits the thin-spun thread. "LYCIDAS is dead!"; but he will long be +remembered as shedding through seventeen years a genial light on +Irish politics, too often obscured by aggressive vulgarity, and the +sacrifice of patriotic interests to the ends of personal vanity. + + * * * * * + +ONLY FANCY! + +We are in a position to state that overtures were recently made to a +well-known and popular member of the aristocracy in connection with a +certain high office lately vacated. It is felt that a gentleman with +the varied experience and capacity indicated by the circumstance (to +which we may allude as not involving breach of confidence), that +his name was successively mentioned in connection with the offices, +recently vacant, of Postmaster-General, Undersecretary of State for +Foreign Affairs, and Leader of the House of Commons, is peculiarly +well qualified for the post. + + * * * * * + +The PRIME MINISTER has, we learn, been much gratified by the receipt +of a letter volunteered by one of his colleagues, expressing generous +satisfaction at his selection of Mr. ARTHUR BALFOUR to the Leadership +of the House of Commons. It was the more pleasing as the name of +Lord SALISBURY's correspondent had, in Conservative circles, been +prominently mentioned in connection with the office. "It is true," +the Abounding Baron wrote, "that the public with unerring instinct has +looked in another direction. I should therefore like to be the first +to say that your Lordship has done well in recognising the services +to the Unionist cause performed by Mr. BALFOUR. Of course there may be +other openings, and in case your Lordship has occasion to communicate +with me, it may be convenient to mention that, having come to town +this morning and transacted business at my office in Bouverie Street, +I am about to return to my country residence at Stow-in-the-Wold." + + * * * * * + +It is announced that Lord SALISBURY's new house at Beaulieu is to +be let furnished for the winter months, the PREMIER not intending +to return till the Spring. We understand that one of Mr. GLADSTONE's +friends and admirers is in treaty for the residence, intending +to place it for a few weeks at the disposal of the Leader of the +Opposition. We have not yet heard how far this happily-conceived +scheme has progressed. + + * * * * * + +THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS. + +NO. XVIII. + + SCENE--_The roof of Milan Cathedral; the innumerable statues + and fretted pinnacles show in dazzling relief against the + intense blue sky. Through the open-work of the parapet is seen + the vast Piazza, with its yellow toy tram-cars, and the small + crawling figures which cast inordinately long shadows. All + around is a maze of pale brown roofs, and beyond, the green + plain blending on the horizon with dove-coloured clouds in + a quivering violet haze. CULCHARD is sitting by a small + doorway at the foot of a flight of steps leading to the + Spire._ + +[Illustration: "She passes on with her chin in the air!"] + +_Culchard_ (_meditating_). I think MAUD must have seen from the tone +in which I said I preferred to remain below, that I object to that +cousin of hers perpetually coming about with us as he does. She's far +too indulgent to him--a posing, affected prig, always talking about +the wonderful things he's _going_ to write! He had the impudence to +tell me I didn't know the most elementary laws of the sonnet this +morning! Withering repartee seems to have no effect whatever on him, +I wish I had some of PODBURY's faculty for flippant chaff! I wonder +if he and the PRENDERGASTS really are at Milan. I certainly thought I +recognised ----. If they are, it's very bad taste of them, after the +pointed way in which they left Bellagio. I only hope we shan't-- + + [_Here the figure of Miss PRENDERGAST suddenly emerges from + the door; CULCHARD rises and stands aside to let her pass; + she returns his salutation distantly, and passes on with her + chin in the air; her brother follows, with a side-jerk of + recognition. PODBURY comes last, and halts undecidedly._ + +_Podb._ (_with a rather awkward laugh_). Here we are again, eh? +(_Looks after_ Miss P., _hesitates, and finally sits down by_ +CULCHARD.) Where's the fascinating Miss TROTTER? How do you come to be +off duty like this? + +_Culch._ (_stiffly_). The fascinating Miss TROTTER is up above with +VAN BOODELER, so my services are not required. + +_Podb._ Up above? And HYPATIA just gone up with BOB! Whew, there'll be +ructions presently! Well out of it, you and I! So it's BOODELER's turn +now? That's rough on _you_--after HYPATIA had whistled poor old BOB +off. As much out in the cold as ever, eh? + +_Culch._ I am nothing of the kind. I find him distasteful to me, +and avoid him as much as I can, that's all. I wish, PODBURY, er--I +_almost_ wish you could have stayed with me, instead of allowing the +PRENDERGASTS to carry you off as you did. You would have kept VAN +BOODELER in order. + +_Podb._ Much obliged, old chap; but I'm otherwise engaged. Being kept +in order myself. Oh, I _like_ it, you know. She's developing my mind +like winking. Spent the whole morning at the Brera, mugging up these +old Italian Johnnies. They really are clinkers, you know. RAPHAEL, +eh?--and GIOTTO, and MANTEGNA, and all that lot. As HYPATIA says, for +intensity of--er religious feeling, and--and subtlety of symbolism, +and--and so on, they simply take the cake--romp in, and the rest +nowhere! I'm getting quite the connoisseur, I can tell you! + +_Culch._ Evidently. I suppose there's no chance of a--a +_reconciliation_ up there? [_With some alarm._ + +_Podb._ Don't you be afraid. When HYPATIA once gets her quills up, +they don't subside so easily! Hallo! isn't this old TROTTER? + + [_That gentleman appears in the doorway._ + +_Mr. T._ Why, Mr. PODBURY, so you've come along here? That's _right_! +And how do you like Milan? I like the place first-rate--it's a +live city, Sir. And I like this old cathedral, too; it's well +constructed--they've laid out money on it. I call it real ornamental, +all these little figgers they've stuck around--and not two of 'em a +pair either. Now, they might have had 'em all alike, and no one any +the wiser up so high as this; but it certainly gives it more variety, +too, having them different. Well, I'm going up as high as ever I _can_ +go. You two better come along up with me. + +_ON THE TOP._ + +_Miss P._ (_as she perceives Miss T. and her companion_). Now, BOB, +pray remember all I've told you! [_BOB turns away, petulantly._ + +_Miss T._ (_aside, to VAN B._). I guess the air's got cooler up +here, CHARLEY. But if that girl imagines she's going to freeze _me_! +(_Advancing to Miss P._) Why, my dear, it's almost too sweet for +anything, meeting you again! + +_Miss P._ You're extremely kind, MAUD; I wish I could return the +compliment; but really, after what took place at Bellagio, I-- + +_Miss T._ (_taking her arm_). Well, I'll own up to being pretty +horrid--and so were you; but there don't seem any sense in our meeting +up here like a couple of strange cats on tiles. I won't fly out +anymore, there! I'm just dying for a reconciliation; and so is Mr. +VAN BOODELER. The trouble I've had to console that man! He never met +anybody before haff so interested in the great Amurrcan Novel. And +he's wearying for another talk. So you'd better give that hatchet a +handsome funeral, and come along and take pity on him. + + [_HYP., after a struggle, yields, half-reluctantly, and allows + herself to be taken across to Mr. VAN B., who greets her + effusively. Miss T. leaves them together._ + +_Bob P._ (_who has been prudently keeping in the background till now, +decides that his chance has come_). How do you do. Miss TROTTER? It's +awfully jolly to meet you again like this! + +_Miss. T._ Well, I guess that remark would have been more convincing +if you'd made it a few minutes earlier. + +_Bob_. I--I--you see, I didn't know.... I was afraid--I rather +thought-- + +_Miss T._ You don't get much further with _rather_ thinking, as a +general rule, than if you didn't think at all. But if you're at all +anxious to run away the way you did at Bellagio, you needn't be afraid +_I'll_ hinder you. + +_Bob_. (_earnestly_). Run away! _Do_ you think I'd have gone if--I've +felt dull enough ever since, without _that_.' + +_Miss T._ Oh, I expect you've had a beautiful time. _We_ have. + +_Miss P._ (_coming up_). ROBERT, I thought you wanted to see the Alps? +You should come over to the other side, and-- + +_Miss T._ I'll undertake that he sees the Alps, darling, +presently--when we're through our talk. + +_Miss P._ As you please, dear. But (_pointedly_) did I not see Mr. +CULCHARD below? + +_Miss T._ You don't mean to say you're wearied of Mr. VAN BOODELER +_already_! Well, Mr. CULCHARD will be along soon, and I'll loan him +to you. I'll tell him you're vurry anxious to converse with him some +more. He's just coming along now, with Mr. PODBURY and Poppa. + +_Miss P._ (_under her breath_). MAUD! if you _dare_--! + +_Miss T._ Don't you _dare_ me, then--or you'll see. But I don't want +to be mean unless I'm obliged to. + + [_Mr. TROTTER, followed by CULCHARD and PODBURY, arrives + at the upper platform. CULCHARD and PODBURY efface + themselves as much as possible. Mr. TROTTER greets Miss + PRENDERGAST heartily._ + +_Mr. T._ Well now, I call this sociable, meeting all together again +like this. I don't see why in the land we didn't _keep_ together. I've +been saying so to my darter here, ever since Bellagio--ain't that so, +MAUD? And _she_ didn't know just how it came about either. + +_Miss P._ (_hurriedly_). We--we had to be getting on. And I am afraid +we must say good-bye now, Mr. TROTTER. I want BOB and Mr. PODBURY +to see the Da Vinci fresco, you know, before the light goes. (Bob +_mutters a highly disrespectful wish concerning that work of Art._) We +_may_ see you again, before we leave for Verona. + +_Mr. T._ Verona? Well, I don't care if I see Verona myself. Seems a +pity to separate now we _have_ met, _don't_ it? See here, now, we'll +_all_ go along to Verona together--how's that, MAUD? Start whenever +_you_ feel like it, Miss PRENDERGAST. How does that proposal strike +you? I'll be real hurt if you cann't take to my idea. + +_Miss T._ The fact is, Poppa, HYPATIA isn't just sure that Mr. +PRENDERGAST wouldn't object. + +_Bob P._ I--object? Not _much_! Just what I should _like_, seeing +Verona with--all _together_, you know! + +_Miss T._ Then I guess _that's_ fixed. (_Aside, to Miss P., who is +speechless_). Come, you haven't the heart to go and disappoint my poor +Cousin CHARLEY by saying you won't go! He'll be perfectly enchanted +to be under vow--unless you've filled up _all_ the vacancies already! +(_Aloud, to VAN B., as he approaches_.) We've persuaded Miss +PRENDERGAST to join our party. I hope you feel equal to entertaining +her? + +_Van B._ I shall be proud to be permitted to try. (_To Miss P._) Then +I may take it that you agree with me that the function of the future +American fictionist will be-- [_They move away, conversing._ + +_Podb._ (_To CULCH._) I say, old fellow, we're to be travelling +companions again, after all. And a jolly good thing, too, _I_ +think!... eh? + +_Culch._ Oh, h'm--quite so. That is--but no doubt it will be an +advantage--(_with a glance at Van B., who is absorbed in Miss P.'s +conversation_)--in--er--_some_ respects. (_To himself._) Hardly from +poor dear PODBURY's point of view, I'm afraid, though! However, if +_he_ sees nothing--! [_He shrugs his shoulders, pityingly._ + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +Pocket-books for next year are coming in. Which for choice? "_Solvitur +ambulando_" should be the resolution of the difficulty, given by +one firm at least, that firm being "WALKER." They are handy, and +conveniently pocketable, but to "The chiels amang ye taking notes," +plain leaves, and no fruit, and no dates, we should say, would be +preferable. They're reasonable prices, and you can't expect to get 'em +for nothing; if you do--"WALKER!" + +[Illustration] + +The Baron highly approves of Messrs. DE LA RUE's pocket-books. It is +pleasant to have something in one's pocket, even if only a book. As +to account-books and diaries--well enter nothing therein but what has +been pleasant and profitable, and most diarians who adopt this rule +will not find their memoranda overcrowded at the end of the year. +"Letts be happy, while we can, and good luck to you, Ladies all, in +1892. Leap year!" quoth the Baron. "Over you go like the villagers in +the German story, after the sheep, into the sea of matrimony, where +may you all get on swimmingly." _A propos_, Mesdames BLYTHE and GAY +say that the Christmas Number of _Woman_, produced by a number of +women, is as full of attractive power as the Magnetic Lady herself. + +"ARROWSMITH's Shilling Sensational, by 'a New Author,'" quoth the +Baron, "would, methought, serve _pour me distraire_." The "New Author" +uses the remarkably new device of a mole on the lost child's breast. +Isn't that original? _Miss Box_ and _Miss Cox_ are lost, and found. +"Have you a mole on your left breast?" "Yes!" "Then it is both of +you!" Charming! So useful is the explanation that "Hanwell is a little +village, a few miles from London." Perhaps it is the locality, there +or thereabouts, where this thrillingly interesting tale--which could +have been told in fifty pages, and needn't have been told at all--was +written. Well, well, "All's Hanwell that ends Hanwell," and "I've +galloped through a worse story before now," quoth the Baron, yawning, +and so to bed. + +[Illustration: Turning over the pages.] + +In _John Leech, His Life and Work_ (BENTLEY) Mr. FRITH quotes from an +anonymous but obviously not an original authority, the dictum, "It is +the happiness of such a life (as LEECH's) that there is so little to +be told of it." Mr. BENTLEY has produced two handsome volumes worthy +the reputation of his ancient and honourable house. They enshrine +admirable reproductions of some of LEECH's best work, selected by +the trained hand and sympathetic eye of Mr. FRITH. These are and will +remain the chief attractions of a work to which the Baron, in common +with the civilised world, has been looking forward to with interest, +and of whose realisation he regrets to hear so disappointing an +account from his trusty "Co." It is difficult to find dates in this +higgledy-piggledy chance-medley of facts and opinions. But we all know +that LEECH died in October, 1864. It was in _Mr. Punch's_ pages that +he found the true field for his heaven-born genius For twenty years at +least he was one of the most prominent, best known, and best liked men +in England. Surely within that period there must lie to the hand of +the dilligent seeker material for a memoir worthy to be linked with +the name of JOHN LEECH. Mr. FRITH has not given us such a book, +and criticism is only partly disarmed by the comical reiteration of +confession that he has failed in his appointed task. For what he has +to say in the way of making known to the world the man JOHN LEECH, a +very thin volume would have sufficed, even had he included the more +useful of his remarks on LEECH's work and his method. But there being +two volumes to fill, Mr. FRITH genially summarises _The Physiology of +Evening Parties_, by Mr. ALBERT SMITH; _Mr. Sponge's Sporting Tour_, +and other not very high-class literature, whose only claim to being +remembered is that LEECH illustrated them. Of _The Marchioness of +Brinvilliers_, ALBERT SMITH's attempt to rival the attractions of the +_Newgate Calendar_, Mr. FRITH positively gives two whole chapters! He +allots one to the _Bon Gaultier Ballads_, and nineteen mortal pages +to telling the _Story of Miss Kilmansegg_, with copious extracts from +that easily accessible work. + +This is not Memoir-writing, it is book-making. The reader can skip +these chapters, and, diligently searching, will find here and there a +ray of light thrown on this beautiful placid life, weighed down as it +was from earliest manhood by family circumstances at which Mr. FRITH +delicately hints. "Give, give!" was, truly, the cry of the daughters +of the horseleach. There are, however, several other anecdotes +contributed by personal friends of LEECH's, who have come to Mr. +FRITH's assistance, and succeed in the main in making the book an +interesting one, as giving the outside world some glimpses of a sweet +and manly character. The volumes are crowded with illustrations. +These are LEECH's own work, and make the volumes worth more than their +published price. + +THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & CO. + + * * * * * + +TO EVANGELINE. + + Oh, come and be my Queen, + And share my lot + In some artistic cot + At Turnham Green, + EVANGELINE! + + The painted tambourine + Shall grace its wall, + And many a table small + And folding screen + Shall on its floor be seen, + EVANGELINE! + + Your beauty's dazzling sheen + Upsets me quite-- + Of late my appetite + Has wretched been, + EVANGELINE! + + I shun the soup tureen + And pine for you; + At pudding, joint, and stew + My face turns green-- + What do the symptoms mean, + EVANGELINE? + + If Fate should come between + My Love and me, + This countenance will be + No more serene, + EVANGELINE! + + With nitro-glycerine + I'll speed my flight, + Or else I will ignite + Some Magazine-- + Some _Powder_ Magazine, + EVANGELINE! + + * * * * * + +AN AUNT AT WILL. + + [A lawsuit has been occasioned in India through white ants + devouring a will.] + +It is usually supposed that Australia is topsey-turvey mad, but in +India it seems that matters also go by contraries, when compared with +their mode of procedure at home. A lawsuit has been occasioned in +Calcutta through white ants devouring a will. In England our Aunts +(who are generally whites) make wills (bless them!) and _we_ devour +them, or at least live on the proceeds. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DEAR CHILD! + +_Papa_ (_to Friend from Town_). "THERE, MY BOY, THAT'S WHAT YOU OUGHT +TO DO! GET A GEE, AND COME OUT WITH THE HOUNDS!" + +_Little Daughter_. "OH, PAPA, TAKE CARE YOU DON'T FALL OFF, AS YOU DID +THE OTHER DAY!"] + + * * * * * + +KATHLEEN AND PETRUCHIO; + +OR, SHAKSPEARE BALFOURISED. + + _Kathleen_. HIBERNIA. _Petruchio_. Mr. BALFOUR. + _Grumio_.... Mr. JACKSON. + _Haberdasher_.. Mr. GLADSTONE. + + _Petruchio_. Thus have I politicly begun my reign, + And 'tis my hope to end successfully; + My falcon now is sharp, and passing empty; + And, till she stoop, she must not be full-gorg'd, + For then she never looks upon her lure. + Another way I have to man my haggard, + To make her come, and know her keeper's call; + That is, to watch her, as we watch these kites + That bate, and beat, and will not be obedient. + She plays no tricks to-day, nor none shall play; + Last Session she ruled not, nor shall next Session; + Resolute government is the only way + To smooth these stormy spirits. + + All the same, + _After_ the hurly-burly, I intend + All shall be done in reverend care of her; + And, in conclusion, she shall have her rights, + If she will cease to rise, and rail, and brawl, + And with her clangour keep the world awake. + This is the way to kill her wrath with kindness, + And thus I'll curb her mad and headstrong humour.-- + He that knows better how to tame a shrew, + Let him speak out! 'Tis time the kingdom knew! + + * * * * * + + _Kathleen_. The more my wrong the more his smile appears! + How doth he madden me--and master me!-- + I--I, who never knew how to submit, + Nor never fancied that I should submit,-- + Am starved for strife, stupid for lack of struggle, + With Law kept bridled, and with Order saddled: + And that, which spites me more than all these stints, + He does it under name of perfect love; + As who should say, if I should have my will, + 'Twere deadly sickness or else present death. + + * * * * * + + _Petruchio_. KATHLEEN, thou mend'st apace! + And now, my love, + Will we return unto thy father's house, + And ruffle it as bravely as the best, + With silken coats, and caps, and golden rings, + With ruffs, and cuffs, and farthingales, and things; + With orange tissue trimmed with true-blue bravery, + Eschewing wearing of the green,--that's knavery. + See GRUMIO there! He waits thy loving leisure + To deck thy body with his boxed-up treasure. + A cap of mine own choice, come fresh from town; + It will become thee better than a crown. + 'Tis my ideal. (_Enter_ Haberdasher.) Well--what would _you_, sirrah? + + _Haberdasher_. Here is the hat the lady did bespeak! + + _Petruchio_. Why, this was moulded on a foreign block, + A Phrygian cap. Fie, fie! 'tis crude and flaunting. + Why, 'tis a coal-vase or a bushel-basket, + A fraud, a toy, a trick, a verdant fool'scap: + Away with it! Come, let me have a smaller! + + _Kathleen_. I'll have no smaller: this doth fit the time, + And gentlewomen wear such hats as these. + + _Petruchio_. When you are gentle, you shall have one too, + But of another pattern. + + _Grumio_ (_aside_). Mine, to wit. + + _Kathleen_. Why, Sir, I trust I may have leave to speak: + And speak I will. I am no child, no babe: + Your betters have endured me say my mind, + And, if you cannot, best you stop your ears. + My tongue will tell the craving of my heart, + Or else my heart, concealing it, will break; + And rather than it shall, I will be free + E'en to the uttermost,--at least in words! + + _Petruchio_. Why, so thou art. But 'tis a paltry hat + This Haberdasher would fob off on thee. + I love thee well, but _he_, he loves thee not. + + _Kathleen_. Love me or love me not, I like the hat, + And it I will have, or I will have none. + + _Grumio_ (_aside_). Then is she like to go bareheaded long! + + [_Left arguing. Sequel--some day._ + + * * * * * + +OUR OLD FRIEND ONCE MORE.--Mrs. RAM has lately taken to theatre-going. +She says, however, that she doesn't much care about going on first +nights of new pieces, as the Stalls are full of Crickets. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: KATHLEEN AND PETRUCHIO. + +KATHLEEN. "I'LL HAVE NO SMALLER; THIS DOTH FIT THE TIME. AND +GENTLEWOMEN WEAR SUCH HATS AS THESE." + +PETRUCHIO. "WHEN YOU ARE GENTLE, YOU SHALL HAVE ONE TOO, BUT--OF +ANOTHER FASHION."--_Shakspeare Balfourised_.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: The G.O.M. Illuminated by a Ray of Sunlight (Soap).] + + * * * * * + +PAUL PRY IN THE PURPLE. + +(_EXTRACTS FROM LETTERS FOUND IN A GERMAN POST-BAG._) + +_TO A BISHOP._ + +It has occurred to me that your sermons are not quite as good as +they should be. You do not seem to grasp your subject with sufficient +strength. I have not time to come to listen to you, as I have other +pressing engagements, and consequently write from hearsay. Still, I +believe I have good reason for my strictures. However, that you may +have an excellent example upon which to model your discourses in the +future, I will myself visit your cathedral at a near date, and occupy +your pulpit. I will wire ten minutes before I arrive with my sermon. + +_TO A GENERAL._ + +I congratulate you upon the success of the recent manoeuvres. Nothing +could have been finer than the manner in which the entire Army saluted +me on my approach. Perhaps the bands might have played the National +Anthem half-an-hour longer or so, but for all that, the effect was +excellent. And now I have got a really splendid idea. And you must +help me. I want to order all the troops to another part of the country +without telling their officers, and then, when they least expect it, +you and I will order a general assembly. It will be such a joke to see +the commanders when they appear on parade without any soldiers! They +will be so surprised! And sha'n't we laugh! But mind, not a word to +anyone until we have had our fun. As an old soldier who has deserved +well of his Fatherland, I rely on your discretion. + +_TO A THEATRICAL MANAGER._ + +[Illustration] + +I was at the performances in your play-house the other evening, +and, as I told you at the time, was not at all satisfied with the +representation. I informed you that when I had time I would jot down +my complaints, and I am now keeping my promise. I don't like the +costume of the Tragedy Queen--her heels are too high and why does she +wear gloves? The Low Comedian does not make the most of his part. +He has to walk about with a band-box. Now why does he not seize the +opportunity to place it on a chair and sit upon it? This would have a +very comical effect. I have seen it done, and it made me laugh. +Please let him sit upon the band-box for the future. If he sits down +accidentally the effect will be heightened. It will be very funny. +By the way, let all the box-keepers give programmes free of charge to +officers and ladies under forty. I shall soon be at the theatre again +to attend a rehearsal. I will wire ten minutes before I come, so that +you may have proper time to call your company together. Till then, you +incompetent sausage, you can enjoy your Lager and pipe in peace! + +_TO A DOCTOR._ + +I have been reading some of the Medical Journals, and I am not quite +sure whether I think your manner of cutting off a leg is the proper +way. It may be, but, on the other hand, it may not. Before you cut off +another leg communicate with me, and I will fix a date (as early as +I can--probably within six months), when I can see your patient, and +give you my opinion. By the way, do not go your rounds until you hear +from me, as I may want to see you at any time. + +_TO A COACH-BUILDER._ + +You don't know how to make a carriage. The other day I thought of +a capital idea, but, for the moment, cannot remember it. However, I +fancy it had something to do with square wheels. At any rate you had +better not make any more carriages until I call. I will come as soon +as I can--probably before Spring twelvemonths. + +_TO A RELATIVE._ + +Had not time to answer your letter before. I do not in the least agree +with you. I hate people who do not mind their own business. Why not +attend to your own, and leave mine alone? If you do not take care, _I +will arrange to visit you in State!_ So you had better mind what you +are about! + + * * * * * + +PROGRAMME OF THE CYCLOPAEDIC CIRCUS. + +(_UNDER THE IMMEDIATE PATRONAGE OF LORD SALISBURY._) + +The Members of the School Board of Little Peddlington have the honour +to announce that, in deference to the expressed opinion of the + +PREMIER OF THE UNITED KINGDOM, + +that it would be wise to substitute Circuses for school-rooms in the +provinces, have arranged for the holding of + +A GRAND SCHOLASTIC GALA, + +on a scale of unprecedented magnificence. The Members have engaged, at +considerable expense, that admirable Artist, + +THE COURIER OF BOTH THE GLOBES, + +who will, during a rapid ride on a retired cab-horse, exhibit and +explain a series of gigantic maps of + +EUROPE, ASIA, AFRICA, AND AMERICA. + +This Star Artist will be followed by that talented _troupe_ of +relatives who for many years have drawn enormous crowds to their +performances under the assumed but appropriate name of + +THE BOUNDING BROTHERS OF THE SPELLING-BEES. + +They will go through their marvellous feats in tossing barrels +(bearing on their sides painted letters), and thus combining amusement +with instruction. Their last act will be to keep in simultaneous +motion a sufficient number of labelled milk-cans to spell the +sentence, "Farewell to all kind friends in front." This marvellous +double quartette will be followed by + +THE ARITHMETICAL BICYCLIST, + +[Illustration] + +who will ride his favourite two-wheeled vehicle while he sings a +song introducing in a pleasing manner the Multiplication Table. This +sweet-toned vocalist will be succeeded by + +_THE STAR-LOVING PIG ATTENDED BY COMICAL HERSCHEL._ + +In which the former will spell out (with the assistance of card-board +letters) a number of interesting astronomical facts at the instigation +of his mirth-provoking master and proprietor. This talented performer +will be followed by + +THE UNIVERSAL KNOWLEDGE QUADRILLE. + +In which the entire _troupe_ will appear on horseback, and go through +the programme of studies (proficiency in which is required by the +Tenth Standard) without a single mistake. + +The performances will then be brought to an appropriate and jubilant +conclusion by + +_A SILVER COLLECTION IN AID OF THE RATES!_ + + + * * * * * + +QUEER QUERIES.--OUR DEFENCES.--I am informed that Mr. STANHOPE is +expected shortly to go abroad, "in order to recruit." Can even the +blindest military optimist any longer deny that the British Army is +a nefarious imposture, when the Minister for War is forced into an +ignominious attempt to raise a body of foreign mercenaries by his own +personal efforts? + +HALF-PAY PATRIOT. + +SCIENTIFIC.--Could you kindly tell me what "the Great Ice Age" means? +My Pater took me to hear some fellow lecture about it the other day, +but I couldn't understand much of what he said. I thought he was going +to talk about strawberry ices and lemon ices, which I like awfully, +but he didn't even mention them! Don't you think _twelve_ is the great +Ice Age--I mean the age when boys ought to be allowed to eat as many +as they like? N.B.--I am just twelve. + +TOMMY. + + * * * * * + +WORTH SEEING.--"We understand that to the Exhibition of "Instruments +of Torture," and now on view in London, have been lately added +the Medici Collar, a Piano Organ, and a "Shakspeare for the use of +Schools." + + * * * * * + +MEM. BY "THE OFFICIAL RECEIVER."--"Firm as a Rock" will not be +henceforth a proverb of universal application. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ELECTION FEVER. A VICTIM'S VICISSITUDES.] + + * * * * * + +TRAN-SLATED. + +(_BEING A NEWLY-DISCOVERED FRAGMENT OF AN OLD GREEK PLAY, SUPPOSED TO +BE A VERY EARLY_ "_AGAMEMNON_.") + + * * * * * + + _Cly._ The coals I bought as Wallsend are not so. + + _Ag._ Thus groundless hopes vanish--like coals in smoke. + + _Cly._ You speak in words Mysterious, lacking sense. + + _Ag._ The sense is patent to the reasoning mind. + + _Cly._ And yet I paid for them upon the nail. + + _Ag._ What matter, if the price was far too low? + + _Cly._ Then call you eighteen shillings low for coal? + + _Ag._ Yes, for "Prime Wallsend"--what could you expect? + + _Cly._ Listen! In passing 'long the public way + I saw a notice telling of these coals. + It called them "ever-burning": said no skill + Could put them out when once they were alight, + Because they were "the best the world produced." + I purchased some. Ai! ai! They turned out slates. + My household maidens by Prometheus swear + _They_ never saw such stuff for lighting fires. + What of it is not slag, that part is slate, + And slated should they be that sold it me. + Moreover, when with anger I remarked + To those who bore the sacks upon their backs, + Within our cellars to deposit them, + That they had better bear their loads away + Seeing I ordered coals, not lumps of slate, + They answered that, if they refused to burn, + They might be useful for a Rockery! + So now _they_ have the shillings, _I_ the coals. + + _Ag._ And having them, we have no household fires. + + _Cly._ What then to do? _You_ sit with idle hands. + + _Ag._ I cannot turn to Wallsend bits of slag. + + _Cly._ But you can seek the Archon, and denounce + The man whose cunning robs our hearth of flame. + + _Ag._ (_going out_). In what you say not nothing I perceive. + Women, in hunting cheapness, capture costs. + + CHORUS. STROPHE. + + The puny race of men + Soars, in imagination, to the skies; + While tackling Science and Theosophy + Their hands the coal-scoop grasp! + + CHORUS. ANTISTROPHE. + + From high Olympus Zeus + Smiles at the perjuries of coal-heavers. + Not always is the cheapest article + The one that turns out best. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD WISH TO HAVE EXPRESSED DIFFERENTLY. + +"WELL, GOOD-BYE, MISS SMITH. TELL THE OTHERS I WAS VERY SORRY NOT TO +FIND ANYONE AT HOME--A--A--A--EXCEPT YOU--A!"] + + * * * * * + +A BOARD-SCHOOL CHRISTMAS. + +(_AN ANTICIPATION OF THE NOT VERY DISTANT FUTURE._) + +[Illustration] + +It was a very unseasonable Yule-tide. Instead of the old-fashioned +mild weather that had been the constant companion of Christmas for +many years, the ground was covered with snow and the river blocked +with ice. However, thanks to modern improvements, the artisans had not +been impeded in executing their four hours of labour as provided by a +recent statute. They had been sitting at their Club (supported by the +State), reading the newspapers purchased out of the rates, and were +only annoyed that no food and drink was supplied them free gratis and +for nothing. + +"It would never do," said an old workman, who remembered the +eight-hour day that used to prevail at the end of the Nineteenth +Century. "You see were we to have beer at will, the brewers' draymen +might complain. It was once attempted, but the Licensed Victuallers +made such a disturbance that the idea was abandoned." + +"There is something in what you say," observed a second workman; +"but, for the life of me, I don't see why the Nation shouldn't provide +bread." + +"No, there you are out!" cried a third. "I am a baker, and anything +that interferes with my industry won't do." + +And so they talked, discussing this and that, until all the subjects +of the leaders in the daily papers had been exhausted. It was then +that one of the workmen suggested a walk and a pipe on the Embankment. + +So they lounged down the main thoroughfare of London, with its +pleasant _cafes_ and well-appointed _restaurants_, and came to +the conclusion (for the fiftieth time) that it was far better than +anything of the same kind in Paris, or any other of the capitals of +Europe. They had all been abroad during their State-assisted vacation, +and consequently had the chief towns of the world, so to speak, at +their finger-tips. As they sauntered along, they came to a group +of half-starved, perambulating performers, who were giving an +entertainment to a crowd of bystanders. It was not a good programme. +First a young woman in rags, played on an old piano, with decent +precision, some extremely difficult variations of CHOPIN's _Funeral +March_. She was followed by a man who painted a portrait of a leading +statesman indifferently well. Then another man jumped into the river, +and made his way in the cold water with the ease of a fifth-rate +professional swimmer. Then a second young woman recited something +or other in German, with an atrocious English accent. And the whole +concluded with a lecture upon chemistry (given by a seedy-looking +old man), which was illustrated with some ambitious, but feeble +experiments. + +On the balance the performance was a bore, and the public were rather +pleased than otherwise, when a police constable ordered the _troupe_ +"to move on." The poor people gathered together their _impedimenta_ +and prepared to obey the officer's behest. It was then that the +performers came face to face with the artisans. There was a cry of +recognition. + +"Why, would you believe it!" exclaimed one of the workmen, "if it +isn't SALLY JONES, and TOMMY BROWN, and NORAH JENKINS, and HARRY +SMITH!" + +The well-fed and the starving cordially greeted one another. Then +there were mutual explanations, and the old man who had lectured upon +chemistry had his say:-- + +"You want to know why we are all starving, and why we are so much +worse off than you, although we were educated at the same Board +School? I will tell you. It was because you very wisely made up your +minds to follow the occupations of your fathers. You became builders, +bakers, coal-heavers and paviors. + +"Ah, we did that," sighed out the elderly workman, "because we were +too backward to attempt anything better. We were not clever people +like you! We couldn't play the piano, and paint and swim, and go +in for chemistry. We were not clever enough, and had to put up with +passing a very low standard." + +"Thank your lucky stars it was so," exclaimed the chemist, with +tears in his eyes, "for your fate is happier than ours. We are all +fifth-rate, and can do nothing else. We have no chance against those +who have been born to this kind of thing, and we have forgotten how to +do your work. So we are starving, and--" + +But here the old man was interrupted by a policeman, who ordered +all of them to move on. And on they moved. Half one way and half the +other. + + * * * * * + +OUR OWN FINANCIAL COLUMN. + +"CROESUS" has vanished! We can scarcely find it in our heart to +add anything to this distressing statement; but for the sake of our +readers whom he may have induced to patronise his financial schemes, +we give a few slight details of the disaster. + +[Illustration: Portrait of "Croesus."] + +Four days ago enormous piles of letters began to arrive at our office. +They were addressed to "CROESUS," and had been sent on to us from +his last address marked "gone away; try office of _Punch_." We opened +them. They were all threatening letters. + +"Why," wrote one angry gentleman, "have I heard nothing from you since +I sent you my cheque for L10,000? Unless I receive a reply within a +week, legal proceedings will be taken." The rest were similar in +tone. Thereupon we resolved to call at the last address given to us by +"CROESUS." It was somewhere in the Mile End Road. We arrived, entered, +ascended the stairs, and found in a dingy back bed-room, three used +half-penny stamps, a false nose, a pair of whiskers, and a large sheet +of paper on which were written only these words: "Sold Again"--which +obviously referred to some financial scheme or other. On inquiring of +the landlady, we heard that her lodger had departed two days before, +taking with him two large and heavy wooden chests. He had promised +to return. We then consulted the police. They are very reticent, but +consider they have got a clue. + +And here we owe it to our readers to make a confession. We have never +set eyes on "CROESUS." We engaged him entirely on the strength of +the most glowing recommendations from a whole bevy of Bank-Managers, +including the Managers of the Bank of Lavajelli, of the Pei-ho +Provinces, of Samarcand, of Ashanti and of Dodge County, U.S.A. All +these gentlemen wrote in the most complimentary terms of "CROESUS." +"He is a man," wrote the Manager of the Dodge County Bank, "whom I +have had the honour to know intimately for a considerable number of +years. Indeed, we were educated together, and not a day has passed +since then without our meeting. I beg to state that I consider him +thoroughly fitted for the responsible position of financial director +of a high-class Metropolitan paper. His personal appearance is +aristocratic and prepossessing, his manners have about them a +distinction which impresses all who meet him, and his dress, though +modest, is always pleasing. His complete command of twenty-four +languages must be of the highest advantage to him in unravelling the +tangled skein of international finance." Acting upon such testimonials +we engaged "CROESUS." We have now reason to believe that we have +been made the victims of a gross and cruel deception. An expert in +handwriting, whom we have consulted, gives it as his opinion, that +every single one of these recommendations is in the handwriting of +"CROESUS" himself, and the police, after protracted inquiries, have +assured us that the Banks, whose supposed managers addressed us in +favour of "CROESUS," never had any actual existence at all. + +All we can do now is to assist justice by publishing herewith +the photograph of "CROESUS." We apologise to all whom he may have +deceived, but we do not hold ourselves responsible for any damage he +has caused. We shall publish no more financial contributions in the +meantime. + +ED. + + * * * * * + +ENGLISH AS SHE IS SUNG. + +[Illustration] + +MR. PUNCH, SIR,--If I start a butcher's business, and give my shop the +special title of The _Welsh_ Meat Shop, is the great British Public +so narrow-minded as to expect me to sell them only Welsh meat, the +produce of Welsh farms only? If so, the Public, with all due respect, +is a hass. For if I who have to live,--though perhaps others may not +see the necessity for my existence,--by my trade, find that the Welsh +meat, which the Public had expected to be ready and waiting, is not +forthcoming, only one of two things can I do; the one is to shut +up shop (which I won't), and the other is to provide my intending +customers with French, Indian, English, Irish, Scotch, American, +Australian, New Zealandian, Cape Colonial, in fact with any meat I can +get from anywhere, and as long as it is toothsome, and I can afford +to sell it at an average price, why should it not be sold at my Royal +Welsh Meat Shop? + +When I call my shop The Royal Welsh Meat Shop, do I thereby bar myself +from dealing in English or foreign meats? Do I bar myself from dealing +in Indian pickles or China oranges? No, certainly not; nor do I bar +myself from selling neckties, gloves, ginger-beer, and Brazil nuts. +So, when a House of Musical Entertainment is styled The English Opera +House, it must be understood, "all to the contrary nevertheless +and notwithstanding," to mean an English House where Opera may be +performed, and not a Theatre where only English Opera is Housed. "My +soul can not be fettered," as the poet says,--what poet, I don't know +and don't care, but he said it, whoever he was, and _he was right_. If +there is no English Opera for my House, then I get a French Opera, or +a Dutch one, just as at an oyster-shop--but perhaps this is not quite +the illustration I should like, as, at an oyster-shop, they _do_ ask +you which you will have, "Natives," or "Seconds," or "Anglo-Dutch"; +and, when you can't afford Natives, you put up with an inferior +quality at a lesser price. But if that oyster-seller called his shop +"The Native-Oyster Shop," should I have any ground of action against +him for selling any other oysters except Natives? No. But then he +would ask me "If I wanted Natives or not?" And if I said "Yes," he +would give me Natives. Now I admit I do not ask the Public at the +doors Which will you have? because I may not be able to have an +English Opera always on tap, so to speak. Metaphors a bit confused, +but you know what I mean. If I had a few English Operas on tap I might +turn 'em on, say, on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays: English Opera by +English Composers on those days, and on the other days, any Operas +by any Composers. But if the Public _won't_ come on the English Opera +nights, and _will_ come on the other nights? What then? Why obviously +I must keep my Natives (if I have any) in a barrel, and deal only +with the foreign supply. "Blame not the Bard"--I mean blame not the +patriotic man of business, but let our cry be "Art for Art's sake," +and the English Opera for ever! that is, as long as Art and English +Opera pay. + +Yours, + +A MANAGER FIRST AND ANYTHING YOU LIKE AFTERWARDS. + + * * * * * + +LATEST FROM SHOTSHIRE.--The only appropriate beverage for a Sportsman +out shooting,--why "Pop" to be sure. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +101, December 12, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14165.txt or 14165.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/1/6/14165/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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