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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101,
+December 12, 1891, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101, December 12, 1891
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: November 26, 2004 [EBook #14165]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 101.
+
+
+
+December 12, 1891.
+
+
+
+
+LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS.
+
+NO. VIII.--TO LAZINESS.
+
+BEST (AND BEST-ABUSED) OF ABSTRACTIONS,
+
+My heart positively warms to you as I write. At this precise moment I
+can think of a hundred different things that I ought to be doing. For
+instance, I have not written to TOM, who is in the wilds of Canada,
+for months. His last letter ended with a pathetic appeal for an
+answer.
+
+"Never mind, old chap," he said, "about not having any news. Little
+details that you may think too insignificant to relate are bound to
+interest me in this deserted spot. I am sure you occasionally meet I
+some of our friends of the old days. Tell them I often think of them
+and all the fun we used to have together. It all seems like a dream to
+me now. Let me know what any of them are doing. I heard six months ago
+from a fellow who was touring out here that JACK BUMPUS was married.
+If it is really our old JACK, congratulate him, and give him my love.
+I don't know his present address. But, whatever you do, write. A
+letter from you is like water in the desert."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+When I read that letter I became full of the noblest resolutions. Not
+another day should pass, I vowed, before I answered it. So I prepared
+a great many sheets of thin note-paper, carefully selected a clean nib
+and sat down at my writing-table to begin. As I did so my eyes fell
+upon _Martin Chuzzlewit_, which was lying within easy reach. The book
+seemed positively to command me to read it for the tenth time. I took
+it up, and in another moment _Mrs. Gamp_ had taken possession of
+me. My writing-chair was uncomfortable. I transferred myself into an
+arm-chair. Is it necessary to add that I did not write to TOM? His
+letter is getting frayed and soiled from being constantly in my
+pocket. Day after day it accompanies me on my daily round, unanswered
+and seemingly unanswerable. For I feel it to be a duty to write, and
+my mind abhors a duty. The letter weighs upon my conscience like lead.
+A few strokes of the pen would remove the burden, but I simply cannot
+screw myself up to the task. That is one of the things I ought to do.
+
+Again, ought I not to call on the WHITTLESEAS? Mr. and Mrs. WHITTLESEA
+have simply overflowed with kindness towards me. I never enjoyed
+anything more than the week I spent at their house in Kent a short
+time ago. They are now in town, and, what is more, they know that I am
+in town too. Of course I ought to call. It's my plain duty, and that
+is, as far as I can tell, the only reason which absolutely prevents
+me from calling upon that hospitable family. Why need I go through
+the long list of my pressing duties? I ought to write my article on
+"Modern Theosophy: A Psychological Parallel," for the next number of
+_The Brain_. I ought to visit my dentist; I ought to have my hair
+cut. But I shall do none of these things. On the other hand, it is
+absolutely unnecessary that I should write to you. No evil would
+befall me if I waited another year, or even omitted altogether to
+write to you. And that is the precise reason why I am now addressing
+you. As a matter of fact, I like you. As I have already said, the
+performance of strict duties is irksome to me. It is you, my dear
+LAZINESS, who forbid me to perform them, and thus save me from many an
+uncongenial task. That is why I like you.
+
+And, after all, the common abuse of you is absurd. I have heard grave
+and industrious persons declare emphatically that any one who allows
+himself to fall under your sway debars himself utterly from every
+chance of success. Fiddlesticks! I snap my fingers at such folly.
+What do these gentlemen say to the case of FIGTREE, the great Q.C.?
+Everybody knows that FIGTREE is, without exception, the most indolent
+man in the world. Let any doubter walk down Middle Temple Lane and
+ask the first young barrister he meets what he thinks of FIGTREE. I
+am ready to wager my annual income that the reply will be, "What, Old
+FIGTREE! Why, he's the laziest man at the Bar. I thought everybody
+knew that." I may be told, of course, that FIGTREE appears in all the
+big cases--that his management of them is extraordinarily successful;
+that the Judges defer to him; that his speech in the Camberwell
+poisoning case lasted a day and a half, and is acknowledged to be a
+masterpiece of forensic eloquence, fit to rank with the best efforts
+of ERSKINE; that his fees always exceed ten thousand pounds a year and
+that his book on _Fines and Recoveries_ is a monument of industry. All
+this I shall hear from some member of the outside public, who does not
+know his FIGTREE. But the fact remains. FIGTREE is the most indolent
+being alive. I doubt if he can be induced to read a brief before he
+goes into Court. Many are the tales told by those who have been his
+juniors of the marvellous skill and address with which FIGTREE has
+time after time extricated himself from awkward situations into which
+he had been led by his ignorance of the details of the case in which
+he happened to be engaged. In the sensational libel case of _Bagwell_
+v. _Muter_, FIGTREE, as you must remember, appeared for the defendant.
+When the plaintiff's Junior Counsel had opened the pleadings, FIGTREE
+actually got up, and, had not his own Junior pulled him down, he would
+then and there have opened the case for the plaintiff. Yet FIGTREE's
+cross-examination of that same plaintiff, travelling as it did over
+a long period of time, and dealing with a most complicated story, in
+which dates were of the first importance, is still cited by those who
+heard it as the most remarkable display of its kind which the English
+Courts have afforded for years past. Whether the unfortunate BAGWELL,
+whom it showed conclusively to be a swindler and an impostor, has an
+equal admiration for it, I know not, nor is he, I fancy, likely to
+tell us, even when he returns from the prison which is now the scene
+of his labours. How FIGTREE, who at the outset did not even know on
+which side he appeared, managed in the time at his command to master
+this intricate case, must ever remain a mystery. HARRY ADDLESTONE,
+his Junior, is accustomed to talk darkly of a marvellous chronological
+analysis of the case which he had prepared for his leader, and
+evidently wishes me to believe that he, rather than FIGTREE, is to be
+credited with the success achieved. But the Solicitors have not yet
+withdrawn their confidence from FIGTREE to transfer it to ADDLESTONE.
+
+Here, then, is an instance of a perfectly indolent man rising higher
+and higher every year on the ladder of professional advancement. I
+can only attribute it, my dear LAZINESS, to your beneficent influence,
+which preserves the great barrister from the weary labours to which
+his rivals daily submit. They say of him that he knows nothing of
+law. If I grant that, it merely proves that a knowledge of law is not
+required for success in the profession of the law. The deduction is
+dangerous, but obvious, and I recommend it warmly to all who are about
+to be called to the Bar.
+
+I don't think I have anything more to say to you to-day; indeed, I
+know that you would be the last to desire that the writing of this
+letter should he in any way irksome to me. Besides, it is five o'clock
+P.M. My arm-chair invites me. I feel tired, and, that being so, I
+am convinced it would he an act of pedantic folly to deny myself the
+sweet refreshment of half-an-hour's sleep. Farewell, kindly one. I
+shall always rejoice to honour you, and celebrate your praise.
+
+Yours, with all goodwill, DIOGENES ROBINSON.
+
+P.S.--I reopen this letter to say that I have just read in an evening
+paper a terrible account of the total destruction by a tornado of
+the town in Canada which was poor TOM's place of exile. "The loss
+of life," it is added, "has been great, and several Englishmen are
+amongst the victims." No names are given. Good gracious! If TOM has
+indeed perished, how am I ever to forgive myself for neglecting him?
+What must he have thought of me? I curse myself in vain for my--bah!
+What is the use of telling you this? The same paper informs me, in the
+elegant language appropriate to these occasions, that "Mr. FIGTREE,
+Q.C., has been offered, and has accepted, the vacant Lord-Justiceship
+of Appeal."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+AN OPPORTUNITY.--A Lyme Regis Correspondent sends us the following
+advertisement, found, he says, in the _Bridport News_; we omit dates
+and names:--
+
+    ---- will SELL by AUCTION, Three Fine DAIRY COWS to calve
+    _respectfully_ in Dec., April, and May next. An excellent
+    double-feeding chaff-cutter, &c.
+
+A respectful cow will no doubt fulfil her engagements honorably. "A
+double-feeding chaff-cutter" ought to be an acquisition to a fast set
+on a coach at the Derby, though of course his "double-feeding" powers
+would have to be amply provided for at luncheon time.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"The nearest thing to 'setting the Thames on fire,'" said a quiet
+traveller by the Underground, "is the announcement which you will now
+see at the St. James's Park Station:--'A LIGHT HERE FOR NIAGARA.'"
+"Why," exclaimed an irate passenger to the timid suggestion of
+the above, "of course it doesn't mean _that_." Then he added,
+contemptuously, "Get out!" Which he did.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: RUSTICUS EXPECTANS. (NEW POLITICAL VERSION OF AN OLD
+FABLE.)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RUSTICUS EXPECTANS;
+
+_OR, THE NEW DUMBLEDUMDEARY._
+
+  "Rusticus expectat, dum defluat amnis; at ille
+  Labitur, et labetur in omne volubilis aevum."
+
+HORACE.
+
+AIR--"_DUMBLEDUMDEARY_."
+
+  In the fall of the year, when M.P.'s were about,
+  And speeches burst forth like a waterspout,
+  HODGE took up his bundle, and caught up his staff,
+  And went for a walk--if you please, don't laugh!--
+      Singing dumbledumdeary, dumbledumdeary,
+      Dumble, dumble, dumbledumdee!
+
+  Oh, HODGE had put on his bettermost smock,
+  And wore his billycock gaily a-cock;
+  For HODGE nowadays is a person of note,
+  And great Governments bow to the "hind,"--with a vote.
+      Singing dumbledumdeary, &c.
+
+  So he strolled on wi'out dread or fear
+  Of Squoire or Parson, or County Peer,
+  For the spouting M.P. and the Liberal Van
+  Had made of the shock-headed joskin a Man!
+      Singing dumbledumdeary, &c.
+
+  With promises stuffed, and with hope inspired,
+  HODGE walked, and walked till he felt quite tired;
+  So he sat himself down on the bank of a stream,
+  And, falling asleep, dreamed a wonderful dream.
+      Singing dumbledumdeary, &c.
+
+  The old, old stream was no longer the brook
+  Where he'd angled for minnows with worm and hook;
+  It swelled and swirled, and its rippling voice
+  Was changed to loud echoes of platform noise.
+      Singing dumbledumdeary, &c.
+
+  And it seemed to address him, "How long, friend HODGE,
+  In a smock you will slave, in a pig-stye lodge?
+  The Town revolts, but the landlord crew
+  Still rule the rustics. What can you do?"
+      Singing dumbledumdeary, &c.
+
+  "Oh, I can reap, and I can sow;
+  And I can plough, and I can mow;
+  And, as Lord RIPON doth treuly say,
+  _I can yarn my eighteen-pence a day_!"
+      Singing dumbledumdeary, &c.
+
+  "Oh, that," cried the Voices, "will never do!
+  HODGE now must have freedom, and comfort too,
+  And Village Councils, Allotments, and Larks!
+  Though the Landlords take fright for their Manors and Parks,"
+      Singing dumbledumdeary, &c.
+
+  "No more must he live like a pig in a stye,
+  Or _we_ (Tory _Codlir_, Rad _Short_) will know why.
+  And if you'll consent just to vote for _us_ now,
+  We'll put a new tune to your old 'Speed the Plough!'"
+      Singing dumbledumdeary, &c.
+
+  Then HODGE, slightly puzzled, beheld (in his dream)
+  A legion of faces that flowed with the stream.
+  "There's two WILLIAMS, and JOEY, and JESSE!" he cried,
+  "SOLLY, BALFY, and JOKIM talk, too, from the tide,--"
+      Singing dumbledumdeary, &c.
+
+  "They're making a vast sight o' noise, and I fear,
+  Whilst they all shout together, their _meaning's_ scarce clear.
+  They all drift one way, though, out yonder I'll sit!
+  And wait till the shindying slackens a bit."
+      Singing dumbledumdeary, &c.
+
+  So HODGE, like old HORACE's Rustic, still waits
+  Till the waters flow by, or their turmoil abates;
+  And then hopes to reach "Happy Home" o'er that stream.
+  Let _us_ hope that he mayn't find it _only_ a dream!
+      Singing dumbledumdeary, dumbledumdeary,
+      Dumble, dumble, dumbledumdee!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE TRIALS OF AN ANXIOUS "JUNIOR."
+
+PROMPTING A DEAF AND TESTY "CHIEF" IN OPEN COURT IS NOT HIS IDEA OF
+PERFECT BLISS.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"DICK" POWER.
+
+When the House of Commons meets in February, it will find many vacant
+places. Save, perhaps, on that sacred to the memory of OLD MORALITY,
+none will draw towards it such sorrowful glances as the bench below
+the Gangway, where, last Session, DICK POWER's smiling face was
+found. Everyone in the House knew "DICK," and all liked him--a
+modest-mannered, merry-hearted man, whom a strange destiny had not
+only dragged into political life, but, as Whip of the Parnellite
+Party, had made him the official representative of a body for the most
+part socially unknown, and disliked with a fervour happily not often
+imported into Parliamentary warfare. DICK POWER, whilst never swerving
+by a hair's breadth from loyalty to his colleagues and his leader,
+so bore himself that he was welcome in any Parliamentary circle, from
+"GOSSET's Room" to the floor of the House, which he sometimes "took"
+to deliver a witty speech in support of a Motion for adjourning
+over the Derby. He was only in his fortieth year, married scarce a
+fortnight, when comes the blind Fury with the abhorred shears and
+slits the thin-spun thread. "LYCIDAS is dead!"; but he will long be
+remembered as shedding through seventeen years a genial light on
+Irish politics, too often obscured by aggressive vulgarity, and the
+sacrifice of patriotic interests to the ends of personal vanity.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ONLY FANCY!
+
+We are in a position to state that overtures were recently made to a
+well-known and popular member of the aristocracy in connection with a
+certain high office lately vacated. It is felt that a gentleman with
+the varied experience and capacity indicated by the circumstance (to
+which we may allude as not involving breach of confidence), that
+his name was successively mentioned in connection with the offices,
+recently vacant, of Postmaster-General, Undersecretary of State for
+Foreign Affairs, and Leader of the House of Commons, is peculiarly
+well qualified for the post.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The PRIME MINISTER has, we learn, been much gratified by the receipt
+of a letter volunteered by one of his colleagues, expressing generous
+satisfaction at his selection of Mr. ARTHUR BALFOUR to the Leadership
+of the House of Commons. It was the more pleasing as the name of
+Lord SALISBURY's correspondent had, in Conservative circles, been
+prominently mentioned in connection with the office. "It is true,"
+the Abounding Baron wrote, "that the public with unerring instinct has
+looked in another direction. I should therefore like to be the first
+to say that your Lordship has done well in recognising the services
+to the Unionist cause performed by Mr. BALFOUR. Of course there may be
+other openings, and in case your Lordship has occasion to communicate
+with me, it may be convenient to mention that, having come to town
+this morning and transacted business at my office in Bouverie Street,
+I am about to return to my country residence at Stow-in-the-Wold."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It is announced that Lord SALISBURY's new house at Beaulieu is to
+be let furnished for the winter months, the PREMIER not intending
+to return till the Spring. We understand that one of Mr. GLADSTONE's
+friends and admirers is in treaty for the residence, intending
+to place it for a few weeks at the disposal of the Leader of the
+Opposition. We have not yet heard how far this happily-conceived
+scheme has progressed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS.
+
+NO. XVIII.
+
+    SCENE--_The roof of Milan Cathedral; the innumerable statues
+    and fretted pinnacles show in dazzling relief against the
+    intense blue sky. Through the open-work of the parapet is seen
+    the vast Piazza, with its yellow toy tram-cars, and the small
+    crawling figures which cast inordinately long shadows. All
+    around is a maze of pale brown roofs, and beyond, the green
+    plain blending on the horizon with dove-coloured clouds in
+    a quivering violet haze. CULCHARD is sitting by a small
+    doorway at the foot of a flight of steps leading to the
+    Spire._
+
+[Illustration: "She passes on with her chin in the air!"]
+
+_Culchard_ (_meditating_). I think MAUD must have seen from the tone
+in which I said I preferred to remain below, that I object to that
+cousin of hers perpetually coming about with us as he does. She's far
+too indulgent to him--a posing, affected prig, always talking about
+the wonderful things he's _going_ to write! He had the impudence to
+tell me I didn't know the most elementary laws of the sonnet this
+morning! Withering repartee seems to have no effect whatever on him,
+I wish I had some of PODBURY's faculty for flippant chaff! I wonder
+if he and the PRENDERGASTS really are at Milan. I certainly thought I
+recognised ----. If they are, it's very bad taste of them, after the
+pointed way in which they left Bellagio. I only hope we shan't--
+
+    [_Here the figure of Miss PRENDERGAST suddenly emerges from
+    the door; CULCHARD rises and stands aside to let her pass;
+    she returns his salutation distantly, and passes on with her
+    chin in the air; her brother follows, with a side-jerk of
+    recognition. PODBURY comes last, and halts undecidedly._
+
+_Podb._ (_with a rather awkward laugh_). Here we are again, eh?
+(_Looks after_ Miss P., _hesitates, and finally sits down by_
+CULCHARD.) Where's the fascinating Miss TROTTER? How do you come to be
+off duty like this?
+
+_Culch._ (_stiffly_). The fascinating Miss TROTTER is up above with
+VAN BOODELER, so my services are not required.
+
+_Podb._ Up above? And HYPATIA just gone up with BOB! Whew, there'll be
+ructions presently! Well out of it, you and I! So it's BOODELER's turn
+now? That's rough on _you_--after HYPATIA had whistled poor old BOB
+off. As much out in the cold as ever, eh?
+
+_Culch._ I am nothing of the kind. I find him distasteful to me,
+and avoid him as much as I can, that's all. I wish, PODBURY, er--I
+_almost_ wish you could have stayed with me, instead of allowing the
+PRENDERGASTS to carry you off as you did. You would have kept VAN
+BOODELER in order.
+
+_Podb._ Much obliged, old chap; but I'm otherwise engaged. Being kept
+in order myself. Oh, I _like_ it, you know. She's developing my mind
+like winking. Spent the whole morning at the Brera, mugging up these
+old Italian Johnnies. They really are clinkers, you know. RAPHAEL,
+eh?--and GIOTTO, and MANTEGNA, and all that lot. As HYPATIA says, for
+intensity of--er religious feeling, and--and subtlety of symbolism,
+and--and so on, they simply take the cake--romp in, and the rest
+nowhere! I'm getting quite the connoisseur, I can tell you!
+
+_Culch._ Evidently. I suppose there's no chance of a--a
+_reconciliation_ up there? [_With some alarm._
+
+_Podb._ Don't you be afraid. When HYPATIA once gets her quills up,
+they don't subside so easily! Hallo! isn't this old TROTTER?
+
+    [_That gentleman appears in the doorway._
+
+_Mr. T._ Why, Mr. PODBURY, so you've come along here? That's _right_!
+And how do you like Milan? I like the place first-rate--it's a
+live city, Sir. And I like this old cathedral, too; it's well
+constructed--they've laid out money on it. I call it real ornamental,
+all these little figgers they've stuck around--and not two of 'em a
+pair either. Now, they might have had 'em all alike, and no one any
+the wiser up so high as this; but it certainly gives it more variety,
+too, having them different. Well, I'm going up as high as ever I _can_
+go. You two better come along up with me.
+
+_ON THE TOP._
+
+_Miss P._ (_as she perceives Miss T. and her companion_). Now, BOB,
+pray remember all I've told you! [_BOB turns away, petulantly._
+
+_Miss T._ (_aside, to VAN B._). I guess the air's got cooler up
+here, CHARLEY. But if that girl imagines she's going to freeze _me_!
+(_Advancing to Miss P._) Why, my dear, it's almost too sweet for
+anything, meeting you again!
+
+_Miss P._ You're extremely kind, MAUD; I wish I could return the
+compliment; but really, after what took place at Bellagio, I--
+
+_Miss T._ (_taking her arm_). Well, I'll own up to being pretty
+horrid--and so were you; but there don't seem any sense in our meeting
+up here like a couple of strange cats on tiles. I won't fly out
+anymore, there! I'm just dying for a reconciliation; and so is Mr.
+VAN BOODELER. The trouble I've had to console that man! He never met
+anybody before haff so interested in the great Amurrcan Novel. And
+he's wearying for another talk. So you'd better give that hatchet a
+handsome funeral, and come along and take pity on him.
+
+    [_HYP., after a struggle, yields, half-reluctantly, and allows
+    herself to be taken across to Mr. VAN B., who greets her
+    effusively. Miss T. leaves them together._
+
+_Bob P._ (_who has been prudently keeping in the background till now,
+decides that his chance has come_). How do you do. Miss TROTTER? It's
+awfully jolly to meet you again like this!
+
+_Miss. T._ Well, I guess that remark would have been more convincing
+if you'd made it a few minutes earlier.
+
+_Bob_. I--I--you see, I didn't know.... I was afraid--I rather
+thought--
+
+_Miss T._ You don't get much further with _rather_ thinking, as a
+general rule, than if you didn't think at all. But if you're at all
+anxious to run away the way you did at Bellagio, you needn't be afraid
+_I'll_ hinder you.
+
+_Bob_. (_earnestly_). Run away! _Do_ you think I'd have gone if--I've
+felt dull enough ever since, without _that_.'
+
+_Miss T._ Oh, I expect you've had a beautiful time. _We_ have.
+
+_Miss P._ (_coming up_). ROBERT, I thought you wanted to see the Alps?
+You should come over to the other side, and--
+
+_Miss T._ I'll undertake that he sees the Alps, darling,
+presently--when we're through our talk.
+
+_Miss P._ As you please, dear. But (_pointedly_) did I not see Mr.
+CULCHARD below?
+
+_Miss T._ You don't mean to say you're wearied of Mr. VAN BOODELER
+_already_! Well, Mr. CULCHARD will be along soon, and I'll loan him
+to you. I'll tell him you're vurry anxious to converse with him some
+more. He's just coming along now, with Mr. PODBURY and Poppa.
+
+_Miss P._ (_under her breath_). MAUD! if you _dare_--!
+
+_Miss T._ Don't you _dare_ me, then--or you'll see. But I don't want
+to be mean unless I'm obliged to.
+
+    [_Mr. TROTTER, followed by CULCHARD and PODBURY, arrives
+    at the upper platform. CULCHARD and PODBURY efface
+    themselves as much as possible. Mr. TROTTER greets Miss
+    PRENDERGAST heartily._
+
+_Mr. T._ Well now, I call this sociable, meeting all together again
+like this. I don't see why in the land we didn't _keep_ together. I've
+been saying so to my darter here, ever since Bellagio--ain't that so,
+MAUD? And _she_ didn't know just how it came about either.
+
+_Miss P._ (_hurriedly_). We--we had to be getting on. And I am afraid
+we must say good-bye now, Mr. TROTTER. I want BOB and Mr. PODBURY
+to see the Da Vinci fresco, you know, before the light goes. (Bob
+_mutters a highly disrespectful wish concerning that work of Art._) We
+_may_ see you again, before we leave for Verona.
+
+_Mr. T._ Verona? Well, I don't care if I see Verona myself. Seems a
+pity to separate now we _have_ met, _don't_ it? See here, now, we'll
+_all_ go along to Verona together--how's that, MAUD? Start whenever
+_you_ feel like it, Miss PRENDERGAST. How does that proposal strike
+you? I'll be real hurt if you cann't take to my idea.
+
+_Miss T._ The fact is, Poppa, HYPATIA isn't just sure that Mr.
+PRENDERGAST wouldn't object.
+
+_Bob P._ I--object? Not _much_! Just what I should _like_, seeing
+Verona with--all _together_, you know!
+
+_Miss T._ Then I guess _that's_ fixed. (_Aside, to Miss P., who is
+speechless_). Come, you haven't the heart to go and disappoint my poor
+Cousin CHARLEY by saying you won't go! He'll be perfectly enchanted
+to be under vow--unless you've filled up _all_ the vacancies already!
+(_Aloud, to VAN B., as he approaches_.) We've persuaded Miss
+PRENDERGAST to join our party. I hope you feel equal to entertaining
+her?
+
+_Van B._ I shall be proud to be permitted to try. (_To Miss P._) Then
+I may take it that you agree with me that the function of the future
+American fictionist will be-- [_They move away, conversing._
+
+_Podb._ (_To CULCH._) I say, old fellow, we're to be travelling
+companions again, after all. And a jolly good thing, too, _I_
+think!... eh?
+
+_Culch._ Oh, h'm--quite so. That is--but no doubt it will be an
+advantage--(_with a glance at Van B., who is absorbed in Miss P.'s
+conversation_)--in--er--_some_ respects. (_To himself._) Hardly from
+poor dear PODBURY's point of view, I'm afraid, though! However, if
+_he_ sees nothing--! [_He shrugs his shoulders, pityingly._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+Pocket-books for next year are coming in. Which for choice? "_Solvitur
+ambulando_" should be the resolution of the difficulty, given by
+one firm at least, that firm being "WALKER." They are handy, and
+conveniently pocketable, but to "The chiels amang ye taking notes,"
+plain leaves, and no fruit, and no dates, we should say, would be
+preferable. They're reasonable prices, and you can't expect to get 'em
+for nothing; if you do--"WALKER!"
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The Baron highly approves of Messrs. DE LA RUE's pocket-books. It is
+pleasant to have something in one's pocket, even if only a book. As
+to account-books and diaries--well enter nothing therein but what has
+been pleasant and profitable, and most diarians who adopt this rule
+will not find their memoranda overcrowded at the end of the year.
+"Letts be happy, while we can, and good luck to you, Ladies all, in
+1892. Leap year!" quoth the Baron. "Over you go like the villagers in
+the German story, after the sheep, into the sea of matrimony, where
+may you all get on swimmingly." _A propos_, Mesdames BLYTHE and GAY
+say that the Christmas Number of _Woman_, produced by a number of
+women, is as full of attractive power as the Magnetic Lady herself.
+
+"ARROWSMITH's Shilling Sensational, by 'a New Author,'" quoth the
+Baron, "would, methought, serve _pour me distraire_." The "New Author"
+uses the remarkably new device of a mole on the lost child's breast.
+Isn't that original? _Miss Box_ and _Miss Cox_ are lost, and found.
+"Have you a mole on your left breast?" "Yes!" "Then it is both of
+you!" Charming! So useful is the explanation that "Hanwell is a little
+village, a few miles from London." Perhaps it is the locality, there
+or thereabouts, where this thrillingly interesting tale--which could
+have been told in fifty pages, and needn't have been told at all--was
+written. Well, well, "All's Hanwell that ends Hanwell," and "I've
+galloped through a worse story before now," quoth the Baron, yawning,
+and so to bed.
+
+[Illustration: Turning over the pages.]
+
+In _John Leech, His Life and Work_ (BENTLEY) Mr. FRITH quotes from an
+anonymous but obviously not an original authority, the dictum, "It is
+the happiness of such a life (as LEECH's) that there is so little to
+be told of it." Mr. BENTLEY has produced two handsome volumes worthy
+the reputation of his ancient and honourable house. They enshrine
+admirable reproductions of some of LEECH's best work, selected by
+the trained hand and sympathetic eye of Mr. FRITH. These are and will
+remain the chief attractions of a work to which the Baron, in common
+with the civilised world, has been looking forward to with interest,
+and of whose realisation he regrets to hear so disappointing an
+account from his trusty "Co." It is difficult to find dates in this
+higgledy-piggledy chance-medley of facts and opinions. But we all know
+that LEECH died in October, 1864. It was in _Mr. Punch's_ pages that
+he found the true field for his heaven-born genius For twenty years at
+least he was one of the most prominent, best known, and best liked men
+in England. Surely within that period there must lie to the hand of
+the dilligent seeker material for a memoir worthy to be linked with
+the name of JOHN LEECH. Mr. FRITH has not given us such a book,
+and criticism is only partly disarmed by the comical reiteration of
+confession that he has failed in his appointed task. For what he has
+to say in the way of making known to the world the man JOHN LEECH, a
+very thin volume would have sufficed, even had he included the more
+useful of his remarks on LEECH's work and his method. But there being
+two volumes to fill, Mr. FRITH genially summarises _The Physiology of
+Evening Parties_, by Mr. ALBERT SMITH; _Mr. Sponge's Sporting Tour_,
+and other not very high-class literature, whose only claim to being
+remembered is that LEECH illustrated them. Of _The Marchioness of
+Brinvilliers_, ALBERT SMITH's attempt to rival the attractions of the
+_Newgate Calendar_, Mr. FRITH positively gives two whole chapters! He
+allots one to the _Bon Gaultier Ballads_, and nineteen mortal pages
+to telling the _Story of Miss Kilmansegg_, with copious extracts from
+that easily accessible work.
+
+This is not Memoir-writing, it is book-making. The reader can skip
+these chapters, and, diligently searching, will find here and there a
+ray of light thrown on this beautiful placid life, weighed down as it
+was from earliest manhood by family circumstances at which Mr. FRITH
+delicately hints. "Give, give!" was, truly, the cry of the daughters
+of the horseleach. There are, however, several other anecdotes
+contributed by personal friends of LEECH's, who have come to Mr.
+FRITH's assistance, and succeed in the main in making the book an
+interesting one, as giving the outside world some glimpses of a sweet
+and manly character. The volumes are crowded with illustrations.
+These are LEECH's own work, and make the volumes worth more than their
+published price.
+
+THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & CO.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO EVANGELINE.
+
+  Oh, come and be my Queen,
+    And share my lot
+  In some artistic cot
+    At Turnham Green,
+          EVANGELINE!
+
+  The painted tambourine
+    Shall grace its wall,
+  And many a table small
+    And folding screen
+  Shall on its floor be seen,
+          EVANGELINE!
+
+  Your beauty's dazzling sheen
+    Upsets me quite--
+  Of late my appetite
+    Has wretched been,
+          EVANGELINE!
+
+  I shun the soup tureen
+    And pine for you;
+  At pudding, joint, and stew
+    My face turns green--
+  What do the symptoms mean,
+          EVANGELINE?
+
+  If Fate should come between
+    My Love and me,
+  This countenance will be
+    No more serene,
+          EVANGELINE!
+
+  With nitro-glycerine
+    I'll speed my flight,
+  Or else I will ignite
+    Some Magazine--
+  Some _Powder_ Magazine,
+          EVANGELINE!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN AUNT AT WILL.
+
+    [A lawsuit has been occasioned in India through white ants
+    devouring a will.]
+
+It is usually supposed that Australia is topsey-turvey mad, but in
+India it seems that matters also go by contraries, when compared with
+their mode of procedure at home. A lawsuit has been occasioned in
+Calcutta through white ants devouring a will. In England our Aunts
+(who are generally whites) make wills (bless them!) and _we_ devour
+them, or at least live on the proceeds.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DEAR CHILD!
+
+_Papa_ (_to Friend from Town_). "THERE, MY BOY, THAT'S WHAT YOU OUGHT
+TO DO! GET A GEE, AND COME OUT WITH THE HOUNDS!"
+
+_Little Daughter_. "OH, PAPA, TAKE CARE YOU DON'T FALL OFF, AS YOU DID
+THE OTHER DAY!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+KATHLEEN AND PETRUCHIO;
+
+OR, SHAKSPEARE BALFOURISED.
+
+  _Kathleen_. HIBERNIA. _Petruchio_. Mr. BALFOUR.
+      _Grumio_.... Mr. JACKSON.
+      _Haberdasher_.. Mr. GLADSTONE.
+
+  _Petruchio_. Thus have I politicly begun my reign,
+  And 'tis my hope to end successfully;
+  My falcon now is sharp, and passing empty;
+  And, till she stoop, she must not be full-gorg'd,
+  For then she never looks upon her lure.
+  Another way I have to man my haggard,
+  To make her come, and know her keeper's call;
+  That is, to watch her, as we watch these kites
+  That bate, and beat, and will not be obedient.
+  She plays no tricks to-day, nor none shall play;
+  Last Session she ruled not, nor shall next Session;
+  Resolute government is the only way
+  To smooth these stormy spirits.
+
+      All the same,
+  _After_ the hurly-burly, I intend
+  All shall be done in reverend care of her;
+  And, in conclusion, she shall have her rights,
+  If she will cease to rise, and rail, and brawl,
+  And with her clangour keep the world awake.
+  This is the way to kill her wrath with kindness,
+  And thus I'll curb her mad and headstrong humour.--
+  He that knows better how to tame a shrew,
+  Let him speak out! 'Tis time the kingdom knew!
+
+         *       *       *       *       *
+
+  _Kathleen_. The more my wrong the more his smile appears!
+  How doth he madden me--and master me!--
+  I--I, who never knew how to submit,
+  Nor never fancied that I should submit,--
+  Am starved for strife, stupid for lack of struggle,
+  With Law kept bridled, and with Order saddled:
+  And that, which spites me more than all these stints,
+  He does it under name of perfect love;
+  As who should say, if I should have my will,
+  'Twere deadly sickness or else present death.
+
+         *       *       *       *       *
+
+  _Petruchio_. KATHLEEN, thou mend'st apace!
+      And now, my love,
+  Will we return unto thy father's house,
+  And ruffle it as bravely as the best,
+  With silken coats, and caps, and golden rings,
+  With ruffs, and cuffs, and farthingales, and things;
+  With orange tissue trimmed with true-blue bravery,
+  Eschewing wearing of the green,--that's knavery.
+  See GRUMIO there! He waits thy loving leisure
+  To deck thy body with his boxed-up treasure.
+  A cap of mine own choice, come fresh from town;
+  It will become thee better than a crown.
+  'Tis my ideal. (_Enter_ Haberdasher.) Well--what would _you_, sirrah?
+
+  _Haberdasher_. Here is the hat the lady did bespeak!
+
+  _Petruchio_. Why, this was moulded on a foreign block,
+  A Phrygian cap. Fie, fie! 'tis crude and flaunting.
+  Why, 'tis a coal-vase or a bushel-basket,
+  A fraud, a toy, a trick, a verdant fool'scap:
+  Away with it! Come, let me have a smaller!
+
+  _Kathleen_. I'll have no smaller: this doth fit the time,
+  And gentlewomen wear such hats as these.
+
+  _Petruchio_. When you are gentle, you shall have one too,
+  But of another pattern.
+
+  _Grumio_ (_aside_). Mine, to wit.
+
+  _Kathleen_. Why, Sir, I trust I may have leave to speak:
+  And speak I will. I am no child, no babe:
+  Your betters have endured me say my mind,
+  And, if you cannot, best you stop your ears.
+  My tongue will tell the craving of my heart,
+  Or else my heart, concealing it, will break;
+  And rather than it shall, I will be free
+  E'en to the uttermost,--at least in words!
+
+  _Petruchio_. Why, so thou art. But 'tis a paltry hat
+  This Haberdasher would fob off on thee.
+  I love thee well, but _he_, he loves thee not.
+
+  _Kathleen_. Love me or love me not, I like the hat,
+  And it I will have, or I will have none.
+
+  _Grumio_ (_aside_). Then is she like to go bareheaded long!
+
+    [_Left arguing. Sequel--some day._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR OLD FRIEND ONCE MORE.--Mrs. RAM has lately taken to theatre-going.
+She says, however, that she doesn't much care about going on first
+nights of new pieces, as the Stalls are full of Crickets.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: KATHLEEN AND PETRUCHIO.
+
+KATHLEEN. "I'LL HAVE NO SMALLER; THIS DOTH FIT THE TIME. AND
+GENTLEWOMEN WEAR SUCH HATS AS THESE."
+
+PETRUCHIO. "WHEN YOU ARE GENTLE, YOU SHALL HAVE ONE TOO, BUT--OF
+ANOTHER FASHION."--_Shakspeare Balfourised_.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: The G.O.M. Illuminated by a Ray of Sunlight (Soap).]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PAUL PRY IN THE PURPLE.
+
+(_EXTRACTS FROM LETTERS FOUND IN A GERMAN POST-BAG._)
+
+_TO A BISHOP._
+
+It has occurred to me that your sermons are not quite as good as
+they should be. You do not seem to grasp your subject with sufficient
+strength. I have not time to come to listen to you, as I have other
+pressing engagements, and consequently write from hearsay. Still, I
+believe I have good reason for my strictures. However, that you may
+have an excellent example upon which to model your discourses in the
+future, I will myself visit your cathedral at a near date, and occupy
+your pulpit. I will wire ten minutes before I arrive with my sermon.
+
+_TO A GENERAL._
+
+I congratulate you upon the success of the recent manoeuvres. Nothing
+could have been finer than the manner in which the entire Army saluted
+me on my approach. Perhaps the bands might have played the National
+Anthem half-an-hour longer or so, but for all that, the effect was
+excellent. And now I have got a really splendid idea. And you must
+help me. I want to order all the troops to another part of the country
+without telling their officers, and then, when they least expect it,
+you and I will order a general assembly. It will be such a joke to see
+the commanders when they appear on parade without any soldiers! They
+will be so surprised! And sha'n't we laugh! But mind, not a word to
+anyone until we have had our fun. As an old soldier who has deserved
+well of his Fatherland, I rely on your discretion.
+
+_TO A THEATRICAL MANAGER._
+
+[Illustration]
+
+I was at the performances in your play-house the other evening,
+and, as I told you at the time, was not at all satisfied with the
+representation. I informed you that when I had time I would jot down
+my complaints, and I am now keeping my promise. I don't like the
+costume of the Tragedy Queen--her heels are too high and why does she
+wear gloves? The Low Comedian does not make the most of his part.
+He has to walk about with a band-box. Now why does he not seize the
+opportunity to place it on a chair and sit upon it? This would have a
+very comical effect. I have seen it done, and it made me laugh.
+Please let him sit upon the band-box for the future. If he sits down
+accidentally the effect will be heightened. It will be very funny.
+By the way, let all the box-keepers give programmes free of charge to
+officers and ladies under forty. I shall soon be at the theatre again
+to attend a rehearsal. I will wire ten minutes before I come, so that
+you may have proper time to call your company together. Till then, you
+incompetent sausage, you can enjoy your Lager and pipe in peace!
+
+_TO A DOCTOR._
+
+I have been reading some of the Medical Journals, and I am not quite
+sure whether I think your manner of cutting off a leg is the proper
+way. It may be, but, on the other hand, it may not. Before you cut off
+another leg communicate with me, and I will fix a date (as early as
+I can--probably within six months), when I can see your patient, and
+give you my opinion. By the way, do not go your rounds until you hear
+from me, as I may want to see you at any time.
+
+_TO A COACH-BUILDER._
+
+You don't know how to make a carriage. The other day I thought of
+a capital idea, but, for the moment, cannot remember it. However, I
+fancy it had something to do with square wheels. At any rate you had
+better not make any more carriages until I call. I will come as soon
+as I can--probably before Spring twelvemonths.
+
+_TO A RELATIVE._
+
+Had not time to answer your letter before. I do not in the least agree
+with you. I hate people who do not mind their own business. Why not
+attend to your own, and leave mine alone? If you do not take care, _I
+will arrange to visit you in State!_ So you had better mind what you
+are about!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PROGRAMME OF THE CYCLOPAEDIC CIRCUS.
+
+(_UNDER THE IMMEDIATE PATRONAGE OF LORD SALISBURY._)
+
+The Members of the School Board of Little Peddlington have the honour
+to announce that, in deference to the expressed opinion of the
+
+PREMIER OF THE UNITED KINGDOM,
+
+that it would be wise to substitute Circuses for school-rooms in the
+provinces, have arranged for the holding of
+
+A GRAND SCHOLASTIC GALA,
+
+on a scale of unprecedented magnificence. The Members have engaged, at
+considerable expense, that admirable Artist,
+
+THE COURIER OF BOTH THE GLOBES,
+
+who will, during a rapid ride on a retired cab-horse, exhibit and
+explain a series of gigantic maps of
+
+EUROPE, ASIA, AFRICA, AND AMERICA.
+
+This Star Artist will be followed by that talented _troupe_ of
+relatives who for many years have drawn enormous crowds to their
+performances under the assumed but appropriate name of
+
+THE BOUNDING BROTHERS OF THE SPELLING-BEES.
+
+They will go through their marvellous feats in tossing barrels
+(bearing on their sides painted letters), and thus combining amusement
+with instruction. Their last act will be to keep in simultaneous
+motion a sufficient number of labelled milk-cans to spell the
+sentence, "Farewell to all kind friends in front." This marvellous
+double quartette will be followed by
+
+THE ARITHMETICAL BICYCLIST,
+
+[Illustration]
+
+who will ride his favourite two-wheeled vehicle while he sings a
+song introducing in a pleasing manner the Multiplication Table. This
+sweet-toned vocalist will be succeeded by
+
+_THE STAR-LOVING PIG ATTENDED BY COMICAL HERSCHEL._
+
+In which the former will spell out (with the assistance of card-board
+letters) a number of interesting astronomical facts at the instigation
+of his mirth-provoking master and proprietor. This talented performer
+will be followed by
+
+THE UNIVERSAL KNOWLEDGE QUADRILLE.
+
+In which the entire _troupe_ will appear on horseback, and go through
+the programme of studies (proficiency in which is required by the
+Tenth Standard) without a single mistake.
+
+The performances will then be brought to an appropriate and jubilant
+conclusion by
+
+_A SILVER COLLECTION IN AID OF THE RATES!_
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+QUEER QUERIES.--OUR DEFENCES.--I am informed that Mr. STANHOPE is
+expected shortly to go abroad, "in order to recruit." Can even the
+blindest military optimist any longer deny that the British Army is
+a nefarious imposture, when the Minister for War is forced into an
+ignominious attempt to raise a body of foreign mercenaries by his own
+personal efforts?
+
+HALF-PAY PATRIOT.
+
+SCIENTIFIC.--Could you kindly tell me what "the Great Ice Age" means?
+My Pater took me to hear some fellow lecture about it the other day,
+but I couldn't understand much of what he said. I thought he was going
+to talk about strawberry ices and lemon ices, which I like awfully,
+but he didn't even mention them! Don't you think _twelve_ is the great
+Ice Age--I mean the age when boys ought to be allowed to eat as many
+as they like? N.B.--I am just twelve.
+
+TOMMY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WORTH SEEING.--"We understand that to the Exhibition of "Instruments
+of Torture," and now on view in London, have been lately added
+the Medici Collar, a Piano Organ, and a "Shakspeare for the use of
+Schools."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MEM. BY "THE OFFICIAL RECEIVER."--"Firm as a Rock" will not be
+henceforth a proverb of universal application.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ELECTION FEVER. A VICTIM'S VICISSITUDES.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TRAN-SLATED.
+
+(_BEING A NEWLY-DISCOVERED FRAGMENT OF AN OLD GREEK PLAY, SUPPOSED TO
+BE A VERY EARLY_ "_AGAMEMNON_.")
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  _Cly._ The coals I bought as Wallsend are not so.
+
+  _Ag._ Thus groundless hopes vanish--like coals in smoke.
+
+  _Cly._ You speak in words Mysterious, lacking sense.
+
+  _Ag._ The sense is patent to the reasoning mind.
+
+  _Cly._ And yet I paid for them upon the nail.
+
+  _Ag._ What matter, if the price was far too low?
+
+  _Cly._ Then call you eighteen shillings low for coal?
+
+  _Ag._ Yes, for "Prime Wallsend"--what could you expect?
+
+  _Cly._ Listen! In passing 'long the public way
+    I saw a notice telling of these coals.
+    It called them "ever-burning": said no skill
+    Could put them out when once they were alight,
+    Because they were "the best the world produced."
+    I purchased some. Ai! ai! They turned out slates.
+    My household maidens by Prometheus swear
+    _They_ never saw such stuff for lighting fires.
+    What of it is not slag, that part is slate,
+    And slated should they be that sold it me.
+    Moreover, when with anger I remarked
+    To those who bore the sacks upon their backs,
+    Within our cellars to deposit them,
+    That they had better bear their loads away
+    Seeing I ordered coals, not lumps of slate,
+    They answered that, if they refused to burn,
+    They might be useful for a Rockery!
+    So now _they_ have the shillings, _I_ the coals.
+
+  _Ag._ And having them, we have no household fires.
+
+  _Cly._ What then to do? _You_ sit with idle hands.
+
+  _Ag._ I cannot turn to Wallsend bits of slag.
+
+  _Cly._ But you can seek the Archon, and denounce
+    The man whose cunning robs our hearth of flame.
+
+  _Ag._ (_going out_). In what you say not nothing I perceive.
+    Women, in hunting cheapness, capture costs.
+
+      CHORUS. STROPHE.
+
+      The puny race of men
+      Soars, in imagination, to the skies;
+      While tackling Science and Theosophy
+      Their hands the coal-scoop grasp!
+
+      CHORUS. ANTISTROPHE.
+
+      From high Olympus Zeus
+      Smiles at the perjuries of coal-heavers.
+      Not always is the cheapest article
+      The one that turns out best.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD WISH TO HAVE EXPRESSED DIFFERENTLY.
+
+"WELL, GOOD-BYE, MISS SMITH. TELL THE OTHERS I WAS VERY SORRY NOT TO
+FIND ANYONE AT HOME--A--A--A--EXCEPT YOU--A!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A BOARD-SCHOOL CHRISTMAS.
+
+(_AN ANTICIPATION OF THE NOT VERY DISTANT FUTURE._)
+
+[Illustration]
+
+It was a very unseasonable Yule-tide. Instead of the old-fashioned
+mild weather that had been the constant companion of Christmas for
+many years, the ground was covered with snow and the river blocked
+with ice. However, thanks to modern improvements, the artisans had not
+been impeded in executing their four hours of labour as provided by a
+recent statute. They had been sitting at their Club (supported by the
+State), reading the newspapers purchased out of the rates, and were
+only annoyed that no food and drink was supplied them free gratis and
+for nothing.
+
+"It would never do," said an old workman, who remembered the
+eight-hour day that used to prevail at the end of the Nineteenth
+Century. "You see were we to have beer at will, the brewers' draymen
+might complain. It was once attempted, but the Licensed Victuallers
+made such a disturbance that the idea was abandoned."
+
+"There is something in what you say," observed a second workman;
+"but, for the life of me, I don't see why the Nation shouldn't provide
+bread."
+
+"No, there you are out!" cried a third. "I am a baker, and anything
+that interferes with my industry won't do."
+
+And so they talked, discussing this and that, until all the subjects
+of the leaders in the daily papers had been exhausted. It was then
+that one of the workmen suggested a walk and a pipe on the Embankment.
+
+So they lounged down the main thoroughfare of London, with its
+pleasant _cafes_ and well-appointed _restaurants_, and came to
+the conclusion (for the fiftieth time) that it was far better than
+anything of the same kind in Paris, or any other of the capitals of
+Europe. They had all been abroad during their State-assisted vacation,
+and consequently had the chief towns of the world, so to speak, at
+their finger-tips. As they sauntered along, they came to a group
+of half-starved, perambulating performers, who were giving an
+entertainment to a crowd of bystanders. It was not a good programme.
+First a young woman in rags, played on an old piano, with decent
+precision, some extremely difficult variations of CHOPIN's _Funeral
+March_. She was followed by a man who painted a portrait of a leading
+statesman indifferently well. Then another man jumped into the river,
+and made his way in the cold water with the ease of a fifth-rate
+professional swimmer. Then a second young woman recited something
+or other in German, with an atrocious English accent. And the whole
+concluded with a lecture upon chemistry (given by a seedy-looking
+old man), which was illustrated with some ambitious, but feeble
+experiments.
+
+On the balance the performance was a bore, and the public were rather
+pleased than otherwise, when a police constable ordered the _troupe_
+"to move on." The poor people gathered together their _impedimenta_
+and prepared to obey the officer's behest. It was then that the
+performers came face to face with the artisans. There was a cry of
+recognition.
+
+"Why, would you believe it!" exclaimed one of the workmen, "if it
+isn't SALLY JONES, and TOMMY BROWN, and NORAH JENKINS, and HARRY
+SMITH!"
+
+The well-fed and the starving cordially greeted one another. Then
+there were mutual explanations, and the old man who had lectured upon
+chemistry had his say:--
+
+"You want to know why we are all starving, and why we are so much
+worse off than you, although we were educated at the same Board
+School? I will tell you. It was because you very wisely made up your
+minds to follow the occupations of your fathers. You became builders,
+bakers, coal-heavers and paviors.
+
+"Ah, we did that," sighed out the elderly workman, "because we were
+too backward to attempt anything better. We were not clever people
+like you! We couldn't play the piano, and paint and swim, and go
+in for chemistry. We were not clever enough, and had to put up with
+passing a very low standard."
+
+"Thank your lucky stars it was so," exclaimed the chemist, with
+tears in his eyes, "for your fate is happier than ours. We are all
+fifth-rate, and can do nothing else. We have no chance against those
+who have been born to this kind of thing, and we have forgotten how to
+do your work. So we are starving, and--"
+
+But here the old man was interrupted by a policeman, who ordered
+all of them to move on. And on they moved. Half one way and half the
+other.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR OWN FINANCIAL COLUMN.
+
+"CROESUS" has vanished! We can scarcely find it in our heart to
+add anything to this distressing statement; but for the sake of our
+readers whom he may have induced to patronise his financial schemes,
+we give a few slight details of the disaster.
+
+[Illustration: Portrait of "Croesus."]
+
+Four days ago enormous piles of letters began to arrive at our office.
+They were addressed to "CROESUS," and had been sent on to us from
+his last address marked "gone away; try office of _Punch_." We opened
+them. They were all threatening letters.
+
+"Why," wrote one angry gentleman, "have I heard nothing from you since
+I sent you my cheque for L10,000? Unless I receive a reply within a
+week, legal proceedings will be taken." The rest were similar in
+tone. Thereupon we resolved to call at the last address given to us by
+"CROESUS." It was somewhere in the Mile End Road. We arrived, entered,
+ascended the stairs, and found in a dingy back bed-room, three used
+half-penny stamps, a false nose, a pair of whiskers, and a large sheet
+of paper on which were written only these words: "Sold Again"--which
+obviously referred to some financial scheme or other. On inquiring of
+the landlady, we heard that her lodger had departed two days before,
+taking with him two large and heavy wooden chests. He had promised
+to return. We then consulted the police. They are very reticent, but
+consider they have got a clue.
+
+And here we owe it to our readers to make a confession. We have never
+set eyes on "CROESUS." We engaged him entirely on the strength of
+the most glowing recommendations from a whole bevy of Bank-Managers,
+including the Managers of the Bank of Lavajelli, of the Pei-ho
+Provinces, of Samarcand, of Ashanti and of Dodge County, U.S.A. All
+these gentlemen wrote in the most complimentary terms of "CROESUS."
+"He is a man," wrote the Manager of the Dodge County Bank, "whom I
+have had the honour to know intimately for a considerable number of
+years. Indeed, we were educated together, and not a day has passed
+since then without our meeting. I beg to state that I consider him
+thoroughly fitted for the responsible position of financial director
+of a high-class Metropolitan paper. His personal appearance is
+aristocratic and prepossessing, his manners have about them a
+distinction which impresses all who meet him, and his dress, though
+modest, is always pleasing. His complete command of twenty-four
+languages must be of the highest advantage to him in unravelling the
+tangled skein of international finance." Acting upon such testimonials
+we engaged "CROESUS." We have now reason to believe that we have
+been made the victims of a gross and cruel deception. An expert in
+handwriting, whom we have consulted, gives it as his opinion, that
+every single one of these recommendations is in the handwriting of
+"CROESUS" himself, and the police, after protracted inquiries, have
+assured us that the Banks, whose supposed managers addressed us in
+favour of "CROESUS," never had any actual existence at all.
+
+All we can do now is to assist justice by publishing herewith
+the photograph of "CROESUS." We apologise to all whom he may have
+deceived, but we do not hold ourselves responsible for any damage he
+has caused. We shall publish no more financial contributions in the
+meantime.
+
+ED.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ENGLISH AS SHE IS SUNG.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+MR. PUNCH, SIR,--If I start a butcher's business, and give my shop the
+special title of The _Welsh_ Meat Shop, is the great British Public
+so narrow-minded as to expect me to sell them only Welsh meat, the
+produce of Welsh farms only? If so, the Public, with all due respect,
+is a hass. For if I who have to live,--though perhaps others may not
+see the necessity for my existence,--by my trade, find that the Welsh
+meat, which the Public had expected to be ready and waiting, is not
+forthcoming, only one of two things can I do; the one is to shut
+up shop (which I won't), and the other is to provide my intending
+customers with French, Indian, English, Irish, Scotch, American,
+Australian, New Zealandian, Cape Colonial, in fact with any meat I can
+get from anywhere, and as long as it is toothsome, and I can afford
+to sell it at an average price, why should it not be sold at my Royal
+Welsh Meat Shop?
+
+When I call my shop The Royal Welsh Meat Shop, do I thereby bar myself
+from dealing in English or foreign meats? Do I bar myself from dealing
+in Indian pickles or China oranges? No, certainly not; nor do I bar
+myself from selling neckties, gloves, ginger-beer, and Brazil nuts.
+So, when a House of Musical Entertainment is styled The English Opera
+House, it must be understood, "all to the contrary nevertheless
+and notwithstanding," to mean an English House where Opera may be
+performed, and not a Theatre where only English Opera is Housed. "My
+soul can not be fettered," as the poet says,--what poet, I don't know
+and don't care, but he said it, whoever he was, and _he was right_. If
+there is no English Opera for my House, then I get a French Opera, or
+a Dutch one, just as at an oyster-shop--but perhaps this is not quite
+the illustration I should like, as, at an oyster-shop, they _do_ ask
+you which you will have, "Natives," or "Seconds," or "Anglo-Dutch";
+and, when you can't afford Natives, you put up with an inferior
+quality at a lesser price. But if that oyster-seller called his shop
+"The Native-Oyster Shop," should I have any ground of action against
+him for selling any other oysters except Natives? No. But then he
+would ask me "If I wanted Natives or not?" And if I said "Yes," he
+would give me Natives. Now I admit I do not ask the Public at the
+doors Which will you have? because I may not be able to have an
+English Opera always on tap, so to speak. Metaphors a bit confused,
+but you know what I mean. If I had a few English Operas on tap I might
+turn 'em on, say, on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays: English Opera by
+English Composers on those days, and on the other days, any Operas
+by any Composers. But if the Public _won't_ come on the English Opera
+nights, and _will_ come on the other nights? What then? Why obviously
+I must keep my Natives (if I have any) in a barrel, and deal only
+with the foreign supply. "Blame not the Bard"--I mean blame not the
+patriotic man of business, but let our cry be "Art for Art's sake,"
+and the English Opera for ever! that is, as long as Art and English
+Opera pay.
+
+Yours,
+
+A MANAGER FIRST AND ANYTHING YOU LIKE AFTERWARDS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LATEST FROM SHOTSHIRE.--The only appropriate beverage for a Sportsman
+out shooting,--why "Pop" to be sure.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
+Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol.
+101, December 12, 1891, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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