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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156,
+Feb. 19, 1919, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156, Feb. 19, 1919
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: November 24, 2004 [EBook #14146]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 156.
+
+
+
+February 19, 1919.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+The report that demobilisation will be completed by March 31st is now
+officially denied. There would appear to be something in the rumour
+that the Demobilisation Staff have expressed the hope of dying in
+harness.
+
+       ***
+
+It is stated that Woolwich Arsenal is preparing to manufacture
+ice-cream freezers. People are wondering if it was the weather that
+gave them this happy thought.
+
+       ***
+
+The German ex-Crown Prince is so determined that the Allies shall not
+place him on trial that he now threatens to commit suicide or die in
+the attempt.
+
+       ***
+
+"There are things we want to get rid of," says "BACK BENCHER" in _The
+Daily Mail_. The rumour that Sir FREDERICK BANBURY, M.P., has already
+demanded an apology is unconfirmed.
+
+       ***
+
+Soldier-golfers, says a sporting writer, are already urging the
+introduction of fresh features into the game. A new method of
+addressing the ball, introduced from Mesopotamia, is said to be most
+efficacious.
+
+       ***
+
+With reference to the North of England man who has decided not
+to strike, we now learn that he happens to be out of work just at
+present.
+
+       ***
+
+ISAAC DENBIGH, of Chicago, is, we are told, one-hundred-and-thirteen
+years of age. He must try again. We expect better things than this
+from America.
+
+       ***
+
+Statesmen, says Sir WILLIAM ORPEN, A.R.A., are poor sitters. The
+impulse to rush out and cackle has probably something to do with it.
+
+       ***
+
+It is said that a soldier in the Lancashire Fusiliers decided, on
+being demobilised, to accept a standard civilian suit instead of the
+usual gratuity. The Sergeant-Major in charge of the case lies in a
+critical condition.
+
+       ***
+
+Sand-gleaners at Ramsgate are making money from bags of sugar washed
+ashore. This answers the oft-propounded question, "How do grocers
+spend their week-ends?"
+
+       ***
+
+Another hold-up by American soldiers has occurred in Liverpool. In
+view of the magnitude of our debt to the United States it is felt
+that this method of collecting it in instalments is bound to prove
+unsatisfactory.
+
+       ***
+
+"Humour and love," says a contemporary, "are what will pay the average
+writer best at the moment." It is not known whether Labour or the
+Peace Conference has done most to send up the price of these luxuries.
+
+       ***
+
+Officials of the Waiters' Union are perturbed over the rumour that
+restaurant _habitués_ are preparing to strike in favour of a fifty per
+cent. reduction in tips.
+
+       ***
+
+Several of our leading magistrates declare that unless some High
+Court judge asks, "What is beer?" they will be compelled to do it
+themselves.
+
+       ***
+
+A St. Bernard dog belonging to a New York hotel-keeper perished after
+swallowing a bundle of dollar notes. It is said that the deceased died
+worth sixty-five pounds.
+
+       ***
+
+One explanation for the many daylight robberies committed recently in
+London is that several of our better-class burglars object to breaking
+into people's houses like thieves in the night.
+
+       ***
+
+Because a Highgate lodger refused to pay his rent, the landlady wrote
+asking his wife to come and fetch him away. If he is not claimed in
+three days he will be sold to defray expenses.
+
+       ***
+
+Only a person with a perfectly healthy skin, says a contemporary, can
+afford to face the keen winds without taking precaution. If you have
+any doubts about your skin the best thing is to leave it at home on
+the hat-rack.
+
+       ***
+
+At a football match at South Hindley last week the referee was struck
+in the mouth and severely injured by one of the backs, after ordering
+three other players off the field for fighting. This, we understand,
+was one of the first fixtures to be brought off under the auspices of
+the Brighter Football League.
+
+       ***
+
+The L.C.C. are said to be formulating a plan to meet the rush for
+trains on the Underground. Personally we always try to avoid it.
+
+       ***
+
+A medical journal refers to a new method of raising blisters by
+hypnotic suggestion. This is said to be an improvement on the old East
+End system of developing black eyes by back-answering.
+
+       ***
+
+A defendant told the Tower Bridge magistrate that he only took whisky
+when he had a cold. It must be hard work for him to resist sitting by
+an open window this weather.
+
+       ***
+
+A gold vase, said to have been stolen from Assyria 2478 years ago,
+has just been found in a sarcophagus at Cairo. We understand that the
+local police have been instructed to take action.
+
+       ***
+
+The typist who, as reported in these columns last week, fell out of a
+moving train on the Isle of Wight Railway and had quite a lot to say
+to the guard when she overtook the train, is now understood to have
+been told she could keep on walking if she liked. However, as her
+people were not expecting her until the train arrived, she again
+entered the carriage from which she had fallen.
+
+       ***
+
+Russian soldiers are now permitted to smoke in the streets and to
+travel in railway carriages. Later on it is hoped that the privilege
+of dying a natural death may be extended to them.
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _House-agent's Clerk_ (_to gentleman hunting for
+a flat_). "NOW THEN, BE OFF WITH YOU. WE NEVER BUY ANYTHING FROM
+ITINERANTS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CAM OFFENSIVE.
+
+  Once more on Barnwell's fetid ooze,
+    Neglected these long years of slaughter,
+  In stolid tubs the Lenten crews
+    Go forth to flog the same old water.
+
+  Fresh from the Somme's resilient phase,
+    From Flanders slime and bomb-proof burrows,
+  Much as we did in ancient days
+    They smite the Cam's repellent furrows.
+
+  Their coaches sit the old, old gees,
+    But with a manner something larger,
+  As warriors who between their knees
+    Have learned to steer the bounding charger.
+
+  Unchanged their language, rude and firm,
+    Save where a khaki note is sounded,
+  And here and there a towpath term
+    With military tags confounded.
+
+  "Get forward! Are you ready? Quick--
+    March!" "Get a move on! Keep it breezy!"
+  "Two, mind the step!" "Swing out and kick!"
+    "Halt! Sit at--ease! Ground--oars! Sit easy!"
+
+  "The dressing's bad all down the line."
+    "Eyes on your front rank's shoulders, Seven!
+  Don't watch the Cam--it's not the Rhine--
+    Or gaze for Gothas up in heaven!"
+
+  "I want to hear your rowlocks ring
+    Like a good volley, all together."
+  "Hands up (or 'Kamerad') as you swing
+    Straight from the hips. Don't sky your feather,
+
+  As if I'd given the word, 'High Port'!"
+    "Five, I admit your martial charms, Sir,
+  But now you're on a rowing-thwart,
+    So use your legs and not your arms, Sir!"
+
+  "Six, you've a rotten seat, my son;
+    Don't trust your stirrups; grip the saddle!"
+  "Squad--properly at ease! Squad--'shun!
+    Get forward! By the centre--paddle!"
+
+O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CAST.
+
+The auctioneer glanced at his book. "Number 29," he said, "black mare,
+aged, blind in near eye, otherwise sound."
+
+The cold rain and the biting north-east wind did not add to the
+appearance of Number 29, as she stood, dejected, listless, with head
+drooping, in the centre of the farmers and horse-dealers who were
+attending the sale of cast Army horses. She looked as though she
+realised that her day had waned, and that the bright steel work, the
+soft well-greased leather, the snowy head-rope and the shining curb
+were to be put aside for less noble trappings.
+
+She had a curiously shaped white blaze, and I think it was that, added
+to the description of her blindness, which stirred my memory within
+me. I closed my eyes for a second and it all came back to me, the
+gun stuck in the mud, the men straining at the wheels, the shells
+bursting, the reek of high explosive, the two leaders lying dead on
+the road, and, above all, two gallant horses doing the work of four
+and pulling till you'd think their hearts would burst.
+
+I stepped forward and, looking closer at the mare's neck, found what
+I had expected, a great scar. That settled it. I approached the
+auctioneer and asked permission to speak to the crowd for a few
+moments.
+
+"Well," said he, "I'm supposed to do the talking here, you know."
+
+"It won't do you any harm," I pleaded, "and it will give me a chance
+to pay off a big debt."
+
+"Right," he said, smiling; "carry on."
+
+"Gentlemen," I said, "about this time a year ago I was commanding a
+battery in France. It was during the bad days, and we were falling
+back with the Hun pressing hard upon us. My guns had been firing all
+the morning from a sunken road, when we got orders to limber up and
+get back to a rear position. We hadn't had a bad time till then, a few
+odd shells, but nothing that was meant especially for our benefit.
+And then, just as we were getting away, they spotted us, and a battery
+opened on us good and strong. By a mixture of good luck and great
+effort we'd got all the guns away but one, when a shell landed just
+in front of the leaders and knocked them both out with their driver;
+at the same time the gun was jerked off the road into a muddy ditch.
+Almost simultaneously another shell killed one of the wheelers, and
+there we were with one horse left to get the gun out of the ditch and
+along a road that was almost as bad as the ditch itself.
+
+"It looked hopeless, and it was on the tip of my tongue to give orders
+to abandon the gun, when suddenly out of the blue there appeared on
+the bank above us a horse, looking unconcernedly down at us.
+
+"In those days loose horses were straying all over the country, and
+I took this to be one from another battery which had come to us for
+company.
+
+"I turned to one of the men. 'Catch that mare quick.'
+
+"In a few minutes we had the harness off the dead wheeler and on the
+new-comer. Pull? Gentlemen, if you could have seen those two horses
+pull!
+
+"We'd just got a move on the gun when another shell came and seemed
+to burst right on top of the strange mare. I heard a terrified squeal,
+and through the smoke I saw her stagger and with a mighty effort
+recover herself. I ran round and saw she'd been badly hit over the eye
+and had a great tearing gash in the neck. We never thought she could
+go on, but she pulled away just the same, with the blood pouring off
+her, till finally we got the gun out and down the road to safety.
+
+"I got knocked out a few minutes later, and from that day to this I've
+often wondered what had happened to the mare that had served us so
+gallantly. I know now. There she stands before you. I'd know her out
+of a thousand by the white blaze; and if there was a doubt there's her
+blind eye and the scar on her neck.
+
+"That's all, gentlemen; but I'm going to ask the man who buys her to
+remember her story and to see that her last days are not too hard."
+
+She fell at a good price to a splendid type of West Country farmer,
+and the auctioneer whispered to me, "I'm glad old Carey's got her.
+There's not a man in the county keeps his horses better."
+
+"Old Carey" came up to me as we were moving off. "I had a son in
+France," he said, "in the gunners, too, but he hadn't the luck of the
+old mare"--he hesitated a moment and his old eyes looked steadily into
+mine--"for he'll never come back. The mare'll be all right, Sir," he
+went on as he walked off, "easy work and full rations. I reckon she's
+earned them."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The bride was given away by her grandfather who was dressed
+    in Liberty satin in empire style, with hanging sleeves of
+    chiffon."--_Provincial Paper_.
+
+He must have looked a sweet old dear.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE GOOSE THAT LAYS THE GOLDEN EGGS.
+
+_The Bird_. "HAVE YOU REALISED, MY GOOD SIR, THAT IF YOU PROCEED TO
+EXTREMES WITH THAT WEAPON MY AURIFEROUS ACTIVITIES MUST INEVITABLY
+CEASE?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ECHO OF THE TUBE STRIKE.
+
+"TAKE YER UP TO THE CITY FOR 'ALF-A-QUID, GUV'NOR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ACUTE ANGLER.
+
+The Colonel of our Reserve Battalion has an almost unique reputation
+as an angler. Scattered elements of the regiment carry his piscatorial
+heroics to obscure corners of the earth. Majors on the Pushti Kuli
+range recount the episode of the ingenuous troutling which, having
+apparently conceived a violent passion for the Colonel, literally
+forced itself upon the hook seven times within a short afternoon.
+Captains on the Sultanitza Planina rehearse the epic incidents of
+how the Colonel snatched victory from defeat after pursuing for three
+miles an infuriated pike which had wrenched the very rod from his
+grasp. Subalterns in the chill wilds of Cologne, adding picturesque
+details to an already artistic story, relate how he hooked a mighty
+veteran carp near Windsor, and played it for nine full hours (with a
+rest of ten minutes after the first, and five after each successive
+hour); how, under a full moon, he eventually grounded it on the
+Blackfriars' mud and beached it with a last effort; how they lay
+panting side by side for a space, and how, finally, with the courtesy
+due to an honourable foe from a gallant victor, he forced neat brandy
+down its throat and returned it to its domain in a slightly inebriated
+but wholly grateful condition.
+
+Consequently the Colonel's announcement that in view of the armistice
+he intended to spend three days in fishing the waters of a friend's
+estate was received by the Mess with lively satisfaction. An
+overwhelming fish diet was deprecated, but it was generally held that
+the honour of the regiment was in some way involved, and the Major
+felt it his duty to escort his senior officer on an expedition of such
+gravity.
+
+It transpired that the first day was unfortunate. The Colonel was
+silently impolite throughout Mess and retired immediately afterwards.
+The Major explained that the conditions had been adverse. The punt
+leaked at the end depressed by the Colonel and the ground-bait had
+been left behind. The wind was fierce and cutting, and the brandlings
+had been upset into the luncheon-basket. In addition the Colonel's
+reel had escaped into the river and had declined to give itself up
+until the whole length of line had been hauled in; and, in leaning
+over the side to reclaim it, his gold fountain-pen had vanished. Five
+hooks had failed to return from the deep and two were left suspended
+from inaccessible branches; Also in the Major's opinion there was not
+a single fish in the river.
+
+By breakfast the Colonel had regained his spirits. He commented on the
+lack of support given him by the Major, and in his place invited the
+Adjutant on the ground that he was probably less clumsy. He remarked
+that the offensive had not yet opened and that the previous day had
+been mainly devoted to a thorough reconnaissance of the whole sector.
+He had reason to believe that the enemy was present in considerable
+force.
+
+The second day proved equally unfortunate. The Colonel took his dinner
+in private, and the Mess orderly, who had dismally cut the two of
+clubs in the kitchen, returned from his ministrations a complete
+nervous wreck. The Adjutant explained that misfortune had followed
+misfortune. They had barely settled down midstream, and he was in
+the act of extracting a hook from the Colonel's finger with his
+jack-knife, when the punt broke from its moorings and carried them
+half-a-mile downstream. It was uncanny how the craft had contrived to
+navigate four bends without giving an opportunity of landing. In the
+afternoon they had fished from the bank, and the Colonel had fallen
+asleep while the Adjutant mounted guard. The Adjutant protested that
+it was not his fault that the float suddenly disappeared, or that the
+Colonel, on being vigorously awakened by him, struck so violently
+at what proved to be a dead branch that he lost his footing and
+tobogganned heavily into the river, and was compelled to waste three
+hours in the neighbouring hostelry taking precautions against a chill.
+
+At breakfast next morning the Colonel intimated that on this his last
+day he would go unaccompanied. With one eye on the Major and the other
+on the Adjutant, he passed a few remarks on the _finesse_ of fishing.
+The element of surprise should be the basis of attack. Precision and
+absolute secrecy in the carrying out of preliminary operations was
+vital. Every trick and every device of camouflage should be brought
+into play. There should be no violent preliminary bombardment of
+ground-bait to alarm the hostile forces, but the sector should be
+unostentatiously registered on the preceding night. The enemy's first
+realisation of attack should be at that moment when resistance was
+futile--though for his part he preferred a foe that would fight to the
+fish-basket, as it were. He thought the weather was vastly improved
+and admitted that his hopes were high.
+
+In the evening the Colonel positively swaggered into Mess. He radiated
+good fellowship and even bandied witticisms with the junior subaltern
+in an admirable spirit of give-and-take. He had enjoyed excellent
+sport. Later, in the ante-room, he delivered a useful little homily on
+the surmounting of obstacles, on patience, on presence of mind and on
+nerve, copiously illustrated from a day's triumph that will resound
+on the Murman coast as the unconditional surrender of the intimidated
+roach. He described how he had cunningly outmanoeuvred the patrols,
+defeated the vigilance of the pickets, pierced the line of resistance,
+launched a surprise attack on the main body, and spread panic in the
+hearts of the hostile legions.
+
+Unhappily for us, common decency, he said, had forced him to present
+his catch to his friend.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Wanted, to kill time whilst waiting demobilisation, an old
+    gun, rifle, or pistol."--_Morning Paper_.
+
+Now we know why Time flies.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Barber_ (_carried away by his reminiscences_). "AND
+WHEN HE'D LOOPED THE LOOP HE DID A NOSE-DIVE THAT FAIRLY TOOK YOUR
+BREATH AWAY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TWOPENNY BIN.
+
+It was called _Greatheart_; or, _Samuel's Sentimental Side_; and I
+think you will agree that it was a lot of title for twopence. Day
+after day, as I fumbled among the old books in the Twopenny Bin of the
+little secondhand bookseller's shop, that volume would wriggle itself
+forward and worm its way into my hands; and I would clench my teeth
+and thrust it to the remotest depths of the box.
+
+Then it haunted me. All day in my room I could hear _Greatheart_; or,
+_Samuel's Sentimental Side_ calling out to me, "How would you like to
+be in the Twopenny Bin?"
+
+I began to grow sentimental myself, and to handle those unconsidered
+trifles with tenderness. For you never know; I might be in the
+Twopenny Bin myself someday; might be picked up, just glanced at and
+shifted back into the corner out of sight.
+
+Yesterday _Greatheart_ again found himself in my hands, and I looked
+to see the date of his entry upon the world. I reflected on his sixty
+years of life, on the many happy fireside hours that had been spent in
+his company, on the gentle solace he had furnished to lesser hearts.
+
+I had decided what to do. There were few people about; the bookseller
+was not looking, and, if offence it was, well, I could fall back on
+the mercy of those who would judge.
+
+I leaned forward and tenderly deposited him in the Fourpenny Bin.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Visitor_. "BY JOVE, PERSEUS, I NEVER KNEW YOU WENT
+IN FOR SCULPTURE. GOOD STUFF, TOO, BUT A TRIFLE REALISTIC."
+
+_Perseus_. "OH, JUST A HOBBY. BUT, BETWEEN OURSELVES, IT'S THE
+MEDUSA'S HEAD THAT DOES IT. TURNS PEOPLE INTO STONE, AND THERE YOU
+ARE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO A DEAR DEPARTED.
+
+    ["Georgina," the largest of the giant tortoises at the Zoo,
+    has died. She was believed to be about two hundred and fifty
+    years old.]
+
+  Winds blow cold and the rain, Georgina,
+    Beats and gurgles on roof and pane;
+  Over the Gardens that once were green a
+    Shadow stoops and is gone again;
+      Only a sob in the wild swine's squeal,
+      Only the bark of the plunging seal,
+  Only the laugh of the striped hyæna
+    Muffled with poignant pain.
+
+  Long ago, in the mad glad May days,
+    Woo'd I one who was with us still;
+  Bade him wake to the world's blithe heydays,
+    Leap in joyance and eat his fill;
+      Sang I, sweet as the bright-billed ousel, a
+      Pæan of praise for thy pal, Methuselah.
+  Ah! he too in the Winter's grey days
+    Died of the usual chill.
+
+  He was old when the Reaper beckoned,
+    Ripe for the paying of Nature's debt;
+  Forty score--if he'd lived a second--
+    Years had flown, but he lingered yet;
+      But you had gladdened this vale of tears
+      For a bare two hundred and fifty years;
+  You, Georgina, we always reckoned
+    One of the younger set.
+
+  Winter's cold and the influenza
+    Wreaked and ravaged the ranks among;
+  Bills that babbled a gay cadenza,
+    Snouts that snuffled and claws that clung--
+      Now they whistle and root and run
+      In Happy Valleys beyond the sun;
+  Never back to the ponds and pens a
+    Sigh of regret is flung.
+
+  Flaming parrots and pink flamingoes,
+    Birds of Paradise, frail as fair;
+  Monkeys talking a hundred lingoes,
+    Ring-tailed lemur and Polar bear--
+      Somehow our grief was not profound
+      When they passed to the Happy Hunting Ground;
+  Deer and ducks and yellow dog dingoes
+    Croaked, but we did not care.
+
+  But you--ah, you were our pride, our treasure,
+    Care-free child of a kingly race.
+  Undemonstrative? Yes, in a measure,
+    But every movement replete with grace.
+      Whiles we mocked at the monkeys' tricks
+      Or pored apart on the apteryx;
+  These could yield but a passing pleasure;
+    Yours was the primal place.
+
+  How our little ones' hearts would flutter
+    When your intelligent eye peeped out,
+  Saying as plainly as words could utter,
+    "Hurry up with that Brussels-sprout!"
+      How we chortled with simple joy
+      When you bit that impudent errand-boy;
+  "That'll teach him," we heard you mutter,
+    "Whether I've got the gout."
+
+  Fairest, rarest in all the Zoo, you
+    Bound us tight in affection's bond;
+  Now you're gone from the friends that knew you,
+    Wails the whaup in the Waders' Pond;
+      Wails the whaup and the seamews keen a
+      Song of sorrow; but you, Georgina,
+  Frisk for ever where warm winds woo you,
+    There, in the Great Beyond.
+
+ALGOL.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TECHNICALITIES OF DEMOBILISATION.
+
+_Officer_. "WHAT ARE THESE MEN'S TRADES OR CALLINGS, SERGEANT?"
+_Sergeant_. "SLOSHER, SLABBER AND WUZZER, SIR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CONTRA APPRECIATION.
+
+LORD NORTHCLIFFE has recently contributed a remarkably outspoken
+criticism of Mr. LLOYD GEORGE by way of "send-off" to his latest
+journal, _The New Illustrated_. The following extracts from an article
+about to appear in _The Pacific Monthly_, kindly communicated to us by
+wireless, seem to indicate that the PREMIER is indisposed to take it
+lying down:--
+
+"In a letter recently published without my authority I said that I
+was unable to control or influence him. This was true at the time and
+remains true now. Time and again have efforts been made to harness
+his energies to the State, but they have never succeeded. The
+responsibilities of office are irksome to his imperious temperament.
+There is something almost tragic in a figure, equipped with the
+qualities of an hereditary autocrat, endeavouring to accommodate
+himself to the needs of a democracy. The spectacle of this purple
+Emperor of the Press, with his ear constantly glued to the ground,
+is not wanting in pathos. With him the idols of yesterday are the pet
+aversions of to-day. He denounces me as 'a political chameleon, taking
+on the colour of those who at the moment happen to be his associates.'
+But what are you to say of a man who clamours for a saviour of the
+situation and then turns him into a cock-shy; of a Napoleon who is
+continually retiring to Elba when things are not going as he likes;
+of a politician who claims the privileges but refuses the duties of a
+Dictator?
+
+"It is obvious that he is still labouring under the hallucination that
+the War was a duel between him and the KAISER; that he 'downed' his
+antagonist single-handed, and that the prospects of a stable peace
+have been shattered by my failure to include him among the British
+Peace Delegates. So, all in a moment, the 'Welsh Wizard' is converted
+into the miserable creature of the Tory Junkers--a man without 'high
+moral courage,' 'wide knowledge' or 'large ideas.'
+
+"Personally I have no illusions about my consistency, but I _do_
+think that here I displayed some moral courage, also some unselfish
+consideration for CLEMENCEAU and WILSON and others. Just think of the
+panegyrics that would have been showered upon my head in the Press
+which he controls if he had been invited to the Table!
+
+"But with all deductions he is a man to be reckoned with, if not
+counted upon. He is a man of large type--almost of "Pica" type. And
+sometimes he deviates into sound and just criticism; as for example
+when he says that I 'depend greatly, upon others.' It is true. What is
+more, I know on whom I can depend; and I have learnt that his support
+can only be secured on terms which would reduce the PREMIER to the
+level of one of his minor editors."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SHAKSPEARE WILL BE PLEASED.
+
+  "CZECHO-SLOVAK REPUBLIC.
+  PROBLEM OF OUTLET TO SEA.
+  Port at Prague or Dantzig."
+
+--_Scottish Paper_.
+
+  "... Our ship hath touch'd upon
+    The deserts of Bohemia."
+
+_The Winter's Tale, III_. 3.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "At the Dogger Bank fight, Lion, the flagship of Sir David
+    Beatty, was crippled. Some people say she was torpedoed,
+    almost miraculously, by a Hun destroyer from five miles' range
+    (which version is probably tripe)."--_Scottish Paper_.
+
+Like so many things that we read in the Press nowadays.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_NOUVELLES DE PARIS._
+
+(_WITH ACKNOWLEDGMENTS TO THE "SOCIETY" PRESS_).
+
+_Paris, Feb., 1919._
+
+Dearest POPPY,--_Que la vie est drôle!_ Who was it said that there are
+two great tragedies in life--not getting what you want, and getting
+it? I never understood that saying until now. For instance, when I
+left London most people I knew seemed to have a feverish desire to
+get to Paris. They were ready to move heaven, earth and the Ministry
+of Information to obtain the desired passport. They would go to any
+lengths to prove how necessary their presence is here during the Peace
+Conference.
+
+And now I find my countrymen over here longing with an equal
+feverishness to go home again. _Ils s'attristent. Ils s'ennuient._
+They have _nostalgie_ in its acutest form. It quite goes to my heart
+to hear the pathetic questions they put to newcomers: "How is London
+looking? What shows are running now?" And they go on to speak of dear
+dirty dark London, its beloved fogs, how adorable is the atrocious
+climate of England, in a way that would bring tears to your eyes. Why
+_don't_ they go back? you ask, _ma chère_. It's just because they want
+to be "in at the death" and say they were here when _la paix était
+signée_.
+
+So these poor exiles continue to sacrifice themselves and drift
+aimlessly about Paris, making it so full that there's scarcely room
+for people like myself--who really _are_ on important work here--to
+breathe.
+
+Imagine! I met Eleanor Dashgood on the Boulevard Haussmann to-day,
+descending from her car with her two poms yapping at her heels,
+just as if she were _chez elle_. I really felt like saying something
+pointed; but, after all, my only comment was, "My dear, what a
+_strange_ lot of people one meets in Paris nowadays!"
+
+"Yes, dearest," she said, "that just occurred to me, too." I'm
+wondering now what the creature meant. Believe me, my dear, that
+woman has illegally wangled a passport out of the authorities by
+representing herself as her husband's typist--he's got a diplomatic
+passport, you know. I inquired if the maid she had brought with
+her had turned into a typist, too, to say nothing of the poms. The
+_toupet_ of some people!
+
+And, of course, all this unnecessary rabble is helping to make
+everything _horriblement cher_. The price of things makes one's hair
+stand on end like the quills of the fretful porcupine. I can assure
+you that _le moindre petit dîner coûte les yeux de la tête_. Poor
+Bobbie Lacklands had a _tragic_ experience yesterday. He said he quite
+unthinkingly dropped into that most _recherché_ of eating places,
+Fouquet's, for a snack. With only a modest balance at the bank he
+ordered a sardine. Then he called for a _filet mignon_ and half-a-pint
+of _vin rouge_--he was always a reckless spendthrift sort of boy, you
+know. A cup of _café noir_ and an apple completed his financial ruin.
+
+But he still declares that they were most awfully decent to him about
+it. They agreed, with scarcely any trouble, to take all the notes and
+loose silver he had with him on account. They accepted his securities
+and are now allowing him to pay off the balance gradually.
+
+Paris is beginning to think of dress once more, or I ought to say
+undress, for with the skirts short and the sleeves short and the
+bodice low there isn't _very_ much left to write about. I hope these
+short tight skirts will reach the ankles before they reach England,
+for I notice the people who have the courage to wear them generally
+lack the excuse of symmetry.
+
+_Figurez-vous!_ Jenny Bounceley, who considers herself quite a
+_Parisienne_ now she's got her official _carte d'alimentation_,
+appeared the other day in a skirt that resembled the _jupe_ of a
+_gamine_. I think it's disgraceful in one of her age and proportions.
+If she were simply knock-kneed; but, as Bertie says, she's
+knock-ankled as well.
+
+_Votre bien dévouée_,
+
+ANNE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"RUMANIA. REDIDIVUS."
+
+_East African Standard_.
+
+To judge from the rumours of revolution, this false concord is only
+too apt.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Music was supplied and enjoyed by a local
+    orchestra."--_Provincial Paper_.
+
+This phenomenon has frequently been observed; the audience meanwhile
+continuing its conversation.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Colonel Sir Rhys Williams, who wore his khaki uniform, moved
+    the Address in reply to the Speech from the Throne....
+
+    It was not the glamour of war, Mr. Rhys Williams
+    continued...."--_Evening Standard_.
+
+It is refreshing to come across a case of really rapid demobilisation.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A message from Vienna states that the Emperor Carl intends to
+    be a candidate in the forthcoming elections for the Australian
+    National Assembly."--_Australian Paper_.
+
+But there is no truth in the rumour that, by way of reprisal, Mr.
+HUGHES intends to put in for CARL's vacant throne.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RIME FAIRIES.
+
+  Last night about the country-side
+    The nimble fairies flew,
+  And forests on the latticed pane
+    In quaint devices drew,
+  The grasses standing straight and tall,
+    The ferns with curious frond,
+  And just a peephole left to show
+    The misty world beyond.
+
+  The voices of the murmuring streams
+    They silenced one by one,
+  And bound their feet with gleaming chains
+    So they no more could run;
+  They hung the icicles about,
+    And you would laugh to see
+  Just how they flung the diamonds down
+    Upon the whole bare tree;
+  And every little blade of grass
+    A thing of beauty stood,
+  And when they'd finished it was just
+    Like an enchanted wood.
+
+  They paused beside the old barn door;
+    A spider's web hung there
+  As fragile as a little dream,
+    As delicate and fair;
+  They decked it with a thousand gems
+    Of oh! such dazzling sheen,
+  It was the very loveliest thing
+    That you have ever seen!
+
+  The sun from his soft bed of cloud
+    Came pale and timidly;
+  He knew if he let loose his rays
+    The mischief there would be;
+  He woke the sleeping world to life
+    With finger-tips of gold,
+  And up from meadow, wood and stream
+    The shimmering mists unrolled;
+  He lit the candles of the dawn
+    On every bush and tree;
+  The fairies on their homing wings
+    Looked back and laughed with glee,
+  "We've made a Fairyland for you,
+    O Mortals, wake and see."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "It is also extremely likely that the Democrats have induced
+    a considerable number of former Centre voters in South Germany
+    to join them."--_Christian World_.
+
+"Democrats" would seem to be the German equivalent of "Home Rulers."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Extract from a recent novel:--
+
+    "She wore under it a white blouse of thin stuff, snowy white
+    ... the big floppy sleeves gently bellowed in the slight
+    breeze."
+
+It sounds rather a loud dress. Possibly _le dernier cri_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "It is like a red rag to a bull to the 'bus drivers to see
+    those lorries running about picking up members of the public.
+
+    We are trying to keep our heads, but our shoulders are bending
+    under the pressure, and presently, I am afraid, we shall
+    collapse and find ourselves in the vortex."--_Daily Paper_.
+
+We should like to see this situation illustrated. Would some Vorticist
+oblige?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE MAN WHO GOT HIS MONEY'S WORTH.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Demobilised One_. "SEEMS FUNNY TO THINK THAT ONLY
+LAST WEEK I WAS WALKING ABOUT LOOKING LIKE THAT, EH?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LITERARY OPTIONS.
+
+In these days of ever-increasing strikes it is suggested, for the
+convenience of contributors to those magazines which of necessity
+go to press some time in advance, that they should submit to editors
+stories with interchangable situations:--
+
+  Algernon Aimless rose { lazily } from the breakfast-table
+                        { hastily}
+
+  at { 9 A.M. } on a dark winter's morning { in order
+     { 7 A.M. }                            { in preparation
+
+  { to catch the 9.15 to his office in the City.        }
+  { for his four-mile trudge to the City (Tube strike). }
+
+  The { electric lights gleamed with dazzling brilliance           }
+      { solitary candle shed a dismal light (Electricians' strike) }
+
+  on the { well-polished } china, silver and table cutlery
+         { neglected     }
+
+  which { were the joy and pride of the admirable parlourmaid. }
+        { no servants' hands had touched for weeks
+            (Domestic servants' strike).                       }
+
+  { had glanced casually at his letters.           }
+  { had had no letters to read (Postmen's strike). }
+
+  As he stood in the { spotlessly kept and charming } hall,
+                     { dusty discomfort of the dark }
+
+  arranging his { sleek well-brushed brown hair      }
+                { long untidy hair (Barbers' strike) } before
+
+  putting on his hat, Ermyntrude Aimless { glided  }
+                                         { bounced }
+
+  { gracefully down the staircase, clad in a charming
+  { breathlessly up from the basement, wearing an old
+
+  { _négligée_ of satin and lace.     }
+  { over-all above her dressing-gown. }
+
+  { "A handkerchief, dearest," she murmured. "I was afraid
+  { "Your sandwiches, old thing," she gasped. "I believe
+
+  you'd forgotten { to take one;" } and she held out in her
+                  {  about 'em;"  }
+
+  { white delicately--manicured hand a silk handkerchief
+  { none-too-clean hand an untidy brown-paper parcel which
+
+  { of palest mauve, exquisitely scented.       }
+  { contained his luncheon (Restaurant strike). }
+
+NOTE TO INTENDING AUTHORS.--This is not supposed to be a complete
+story, but just gives you the idea.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT PARIS PLAGE.
+
+  Oft have I begged the high gods for a boon,
+  That they would bear me from the Flanders slosh
+  Back to a desert _not_ made by the Bosch,
+  The sunny Egypt that I left too soon.
+  O silvery nights beneath an Eastern moon!
+  O shirt-sleeved days! O small infrequent wash!
+  O once again to see the nigger "nosh"
+  The camel, rudely grunting (out of tune)!
+  Loudly I called; the high gods hearkened not
+  Till came the signal and the big guns ceased;
+  But then they brought me to this sea-kissed spot,
+  Heeded my prayer and gave me back at least
+  One of the pleasures that of old I knew,
+  For here once more there's sand within the stew.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: GIVING HIM ROPE?
+
+GERMAN CRIMINAL (_to Allied Police_). "HERE, I SAY, STOP! YOU'RE
+HURTING ME! [_Aside_] IF I ONLY WHINE ENOUGH I MAY BE ABLE TO WRIGGLE
+OUT OF THIS YET."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Tuesday, February 11th_.--The KING's Speech outlined a programme
+of legislation which would in the ordinary way occupy two or three
+Sessions. But the Parliamentary machinery is to be ruthlessly speeded
+up and "a short cut to the Millennium" is to be discovered by way
+of the Committee-rooms. Precisians observed with regret that the
+customary reference in the Speech to "economy" had by some oversight
+been omitted; and the prospective creation of several additional
+Departments led Lord CREWE to express apprehension lest the country
+should be "doped" with new Ministries, to the detriment of the
+national health.
+
+[Illustration: THE OPPOSITION FREAK.
+
+THE ADAMSON-MACLEAN COMBINATION.]
+
+"Where are they gone, the old familiar faces?" was the question
+one asked oneself on looking at the crowded benches of the House of
+Commons. It was said of a Past President of the United States that he
+was the politest man in America--"he gave up his seat in a street-car
+and made room for four ladies." The gap made on the Front Opposition
+Bench by the involuntary retirement of Mr. ASQUITH--to which generous
+allusion was made by the PRIME MINISTER--is so vast that the joint
+efforts of Sir DONALD MACLEAN and Mr. ADAMSON to fill it met with only
+partial success. Unless, by the way, Mr. SPEAKER definitely decides
+the problem of precedence, it is to be feared that the hoped-for
+acceleration of business will not occur, for at present each of them
+thinks it necessary to speak whenever the other does, like the hungry
+lions on Afric's burning shore. For all their outward politeness I am
+sure "the first lion thinks the last a bore"; and if they insist on
+roaring together much longer the House will think it of both of them.
+
+The corner-seat whence Mr. PRINGLE flung his barbed darts at the
+Government is filled, physically, by Mr. STANTON. Lonely Mr. HOGGE now
+sits uneasily upon the Front Opposition Bench, but, fearing perhaps
+lest its dignified traditions should cramp his style, makes frequent
+visits to the Lobby.
+
+In accordance with ancient custom Sir COURTENAY ILBERT asserted the
+right of the House to initiate legislation by calling out "Outlawries
+Bill" in the middle of the SPEAKER's recital of the Sessional Orders.
+Some of the new Members, I fancy, took the interruption seriously,
+and thought that this was the outcome of the "Punish the KAISER."
+movement.
+
+The Mover and Seconder of the Address fully deserved the customary
+compliments. Col. Sir RHYS WILLIAMS' quiet and effective style
+explained his success as a picker-up of recruits; while Lt.-Commander
+DEAN, V.C., though he faced the House with much more trepidation than
+he did the batteries of Zeebrugge, got well home at the finish.
+
+[Illustration: SOUTH HACKNEY'S CHAMPION.]
+
+The lot of a Labour leader just now is not a happy one. Perhaps that
+accounted for the querulous tone assumed by Mr. ADAMSON, who seemed
+more concerned with the omissions in the KING's Speech than with its
+contents. His best sayings were imported from America, but he would
+have done better to content himself with LINCOLN and abjure BRYAN,
+whose "cross-of-gold" fustian will not bear repetition.
+
+After Sir DONALD MACLEAN had thoughtfully provided a welcome tea
+interval the PRIME MINISTER rose to reply to his critics. The
+accusation that he had forgotten some of his recent promises, such
+as "No Conscription," "Punish the Kaiser," and "Germany must pay,"
+did not trouble him much. If these election-eggs had hatched
+out prematurely and the contents were coming home to roost at an
+inconvenient moment he had no time to attend to them. What the country
+most needs at the moment is a firm clear statement on the Labour
+troubles, and that is what it got. So far as those troubles are due
+to remediable causes they shall be remedied; so far as the demands of
+Labour are based upon class-greed they shall be fought tooth and nail.
+There were a few dissentient shouts from the Opposition Benches, but
+the House as a whole was delighted when the PREMIER in ringing tones
+declared that "no section, however powerful, will be allowed to hold
+up the whole nation."
+
+_Wednesday, February 12th_.--The Lords had a brisk little debate on
+agriculture. Lord LINCOLNSHIRE paid many compliments to Lord ERNLE
+for what he had accomplished as Mr. PROTHERO, but could not understand
+why, having exchanged the green benches for the red, he should have
+reversed his old policy, "scrapped" the agricultural committees and
+begun to dispose of his tractors. Lord ERNLE, in the measured tones
+so suitable to the Upper House, made a good defence of the change. The
+chief thing wanted now was to "clean the land," where noxious weeds,
+the Bolshevists of the soil, had been spreading with great rapidity.
+As for the tractors, the Board thought it a good thing that the
+farmers should possess their own, but would retain in its own hands
+enough of them to help farmers who could not help themselves--not a
+large class, I imagine, with produce at its present prices.
+
+In the Commons an hour was spent in discussing the Government's
+now customary motion to take all the time of the House. Up got Mr.
+ADAMSON, to denounce it, now the War was over, as sheer Kaiserism. Up
+got Sir DONALD MACLEAN to defend it as commonsense, though he induced
+Mr. BONAR LAW to limit its duration to the end of March. Colonel
+WEDGWOOD pleaded that private Members might still be allowed to bring
+in Bills under the Ten Minutes' Rule; but that Parliamentary pundit,
+Sir F. BANBURY, asserted that there was no such thing in reality as
+the Ten Minutes' Rule, and pictured the possibility of whole days
+being swallowed up by a succession of private Members commending their
+legislative bantlings one after another with the brief explanatory
+statement permitted on such occasions. Alarmed at the prospect Mr. LAW
+decided not to admit the thin end of the WEDGWOOD.
+
+[Illustration: ELEMENTARY ECONOMICS.]
+
+The debate on the Address was resumed by Mr. BOTTOMLEY, who had a
+large audience. During his previous membership, terminated by one of
+those periodical visits to the Law Courts to which he made humorous
+reference, he delivered some capital speeches; and it was pleasant
+to find that the necessity of constantly producing "another powerful
+article next week" has not caused him to lose his oratorical form.
+His gestures are slightly reminiscent of the action of the common
+pump-handle, but his voice is excellent, and his matter has the merit
+of exactly resembling what our old friend "the Man in the Street"
+would say in less Parliamentary language, He has no hesitations, for
+example, on the subject of making Germany pay. By one of those rapid
+financial calculations for which he is renowned he has arrived at
+the comfortable figure of ten thousand millions sterling as Britain's
+little bill; and if you express doubts as to the debtor's capacity
+to pay he replies that he cannot recall any judge who made an order
+against him ever prefacing his judgment with an inquiry whether it
+would be convenient for him to find the money.
+
+Payment in kind is Mr. RONALD McNEILL's prescription. Let Leipzig
+library replenish the empty shelves of Louvain and the windows of
+Cologne make good--so far as German glass can do it--the shattered
+glories of Rheims.
+
+Mr. CLYNES warned the Government against neglecting the legitimate
+aspirations of Labour, one of which, he had the courage to affirm, was
+access to more and better beer. He also sought a clear statement of
+the Government's policy in Russia. This request was repeated by Sir
+SAMUEL HOARE, who, having spent a year and a half during the War
+in that distracted country, declared that "we must decide between
+Bolshevists and anti-Bolshevists." Unfortunately that is exactly what,
+according to the PRIME MINISTER's reply, we cannot do. The Allies
+are not prepared to intervene in force; they cannot leave Russia to
+stew in Her own hell-broth. The proposed Conference is admittedly a
+_pis-aller_; and, if it ever meets, no one can feel very hopeful of a
+tangible result from the deliberations of the Prinkipotentiaries.
+
+_Thursday, February 13th_.--Labour unrest produced a capital debate,
+in which Mr. BRACE, Mr. THOMAS and Mr. SEXTON made excellent speeches
+on the one side, and Major TRYON, Mr. REMER (an employer and a
+profit-sharer) and Mr. BONAR LAW were equally effective on the other.
+Brushing aside minor causes the Leader of the House, in his forthright
+manner, said the root of the matter was that "Labour wants a larger
+share of the good things which are to be obtained in this world"--not
+an unreasonable desire, he indicated, but one which would not be
+permanently realised by strikes directed against the whole community.
+Mr. SEDDON, of the National Democratic Party, compressed the same
+argument into an epigram. If the miners' full demands were conceded
+they would have "an El Dorado for one minute and disaster the next."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FROST AND THAW.
+
+I was earlier than usual that morning, which was bad luck, as I
+heard Fitz-Jones click his gate behind me and thud after me in his
+snow-boots. Fitz-Jones and I had a little disagreement, not long ago,
+about the sole possession of a servant-maid. Since then there has
+been a coolness. Curiously enough, the hideous frost that raged at the
+moment (the thermometer stood at twenty-five degrees in the henhouse)
+seemed to thaw Fitz-Jones. And I knew why.
+
+Last summer Fitz-Jones had spent four torrid days with the thermometer
+at 75 degrees, winding up his pipes in straw "against" the winter. I
+had seen his purple face as I hammocked it with an iced drink. He had
+seen and heard me laugh.
+
+"Ah," he croaked, "you may laugh on the other side of the hedge now,
+but you'll laugh on the other side of your face later."
+
+So now I knew that he was thudding after me in the snow, bursting to
+hear that my pipes had burst or were about to burst.
+
+"Hallo, Browne," he began, "how'd you like this?"
+
+"Oh, all right," I said airily. Here I did a wonderful step. Slide
+on the right heel--hesitation shuffle on the left toe--two half
+slips sideways. Wave both arms--backward bend. Recover.
+Jazz--tangle--tickle-toe was nothing to it.
+
+"Slippery, isn't it?" he said. "My flannel was frozen to the
+wash-stand to-day--had to get it off with a chisel."
+
+I was prepared for these travellers' tales. I knew he was leading up
+to water-pipes.
+
+"Couldn't get my cold tub," he went on; "frozen solid overnight."
+
+I had heard of this cold tub before. "My tooth-brush froze on to my
+teeth," I capped him; "the teapot spout was hung with icicles, and the
+cat's tongue froze on to the milk when it was drinking."
+
+"How about your pipes?" he began, "Who was right about wrapping?"
+
+"Rapping," I said in well-feigned innocence--"rapping? Who rapped?
+Rapped on what?"
+
+That set him going.
+
+I gathered when we reached the station there was a strike on. But we
+found a milk-lorry travelling our way. So Smith had the entire use of
+my right ear into which to say, "I told you so," for an hour, while we
+travelled to the spot on which we win our bread. He had dragged from
+me the fact that our hot-water tap had also struck. The milk cans
+clattered. Smith chattered. So did my teeth.
+
+When I got home that night our house seemed to be more handsomely
+garnished with icicles than any other house I had seen that day.
+
+"Keep the home fires burning!" I said to my wife on entering. "If need
+be, burn the banisters and the bills and my boot-trees and everything
+else beginning with a 'b.' Keep us thawed and unburst, or Fitz-Jones
+will feel he has scored a moral victory; he will strut cross-gartered,
+with yellow stockings, for the rest of his days."
+
+"I don't know what you are talking about," said Evangeline, "but
+Christabel and I" (Christabel is our general-in-command) "have been
+cosseting those pipes all day. Been giving them glasses of hot water
+and dressing them up in all our clothes. The bath-pipe is wearing my
+new furs and your pyjamas, and I've put your golf stockings on the
+geyser-pipe. I expect they'll all blow up. Come and look at the
+hot-water cistern."
+
+The cistern looked dressy in Evangeline's fur coat. I added my silk
+hat to the geyser's cosy costume and a pair of boots on the bath-taps.
+But I was told not to be silly, so took them off again.
+
+I suggested that the geyser should go to a fancy-dress ball as "The
+Winter of our Discontent," but was again told not to be silly.
+
+Two days elapsed. The frost held. Then something happened.
+Fitz-Jones's lady-help came round at 7.30 A.M. to borrow a drop of
+water, as they were frozen up.
+
+We lent them several drops, and I breathed again, and continued to
+breathe, with snorts of derision.
+
+Three days later the thaw came.
+
+As I passed Fitz-Jones's house I was grieved to hear a splashing
+sound. A cascade of water was spouting from his bathroom window.
+Fitz-Jones himself was running round and round the house like a
+madman, flourishing a water-key and trying to find the tap to the
+main.
+
+I begged him to be calm, to control himself for his wife's sake, for
+all our sakes. I was most graceful and sympathetic about it.
+
+But with the thaw Fitz-Jones had frozen again.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Civil Servant requires house."--_Local Paper_.
+
+On the other hand, many houses just now require a civil servant.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Lady_. "YOU COME HERE BEGGING AND SAY YOU ARE NOT
+EXPECTED TO DO ANY MORE WORK. I NEVER HEARD OF SUCH A THING."
+
+_Tramp_. "THEN I'VE BEEN MISINFORMED, LIDY. I CERTAINLY 'EARD
+THAT AFTER THE WAR ENGLAND WAS GOIN' TER BE A BETTER PLACE FER THE
+LABOURING CLASSES."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PAST AND PRESENT.
+
+(_AFTER_ T. HOOD.)
+
+  I remember, I remember.
+    The line where I was borne,
+  The little platform where the train
+    Came rushing in at morn;
+  I used to take a little seat
+    Upon the little train,
+  But now before I get at it
+    It rushes out again.
+
+  I remember, I remember
+    The 'buses red and white,
+  The corner where they used to stop
+    And take me home at night;
+  They never gave a wink at me
+    And shouted, "Full to-day,"
+  But now I often wish that one
+    Would carry me away.
+
+  I remember, I remember
+    The cabs we used to get,
+  The growler from the "Adam Arms"
+    (The horse is living yet);
+  My spirit was impatient then,
+    That is so meek to-day,
+  And now I often think that that
+    Would be the quickest way.
+
+  I remember, I remember
+    The lights against the sky;
+  I used to think that London would
+    Be closer by-and-by;
+  It was a childish ignorance,
+    But now 'tis little joy
+  To know I'm farther from the Strand
+    Than when I was a boy.
+
+A.P.H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CUE TYPES.
+
+At the present moment, when the billiard professionals are contesting
+the palm and Mr. S.H. FRY has re-captured the title of amateur
+champion seven-and-twenty years after he first won it, there is such
+interest in the game that a kind of _Guide to Billiard Types_ cannot
+but be of value. Hence the following classification of players who
+are to be met with in clubs, country-houses or saloons by any ordinary
+wielders of the cue. Any reader who has ever endeavoured to master
+what may be called (by way of inversion) the Three Balls Art has power
+to add to their number.
+
+The player who, as he drops behind in the game, says so often that it
+is months since h" touched a cue that your success is robbed of all
+savour.
+
+The player who is funny and calls the red the Cherry, the Robin, the
+Cardinal or the Lobster.
+
+The player who comes to the game as to a solemn ritual and neither
+smiles nor speaks.
+
+The player who keeps on changing his cue and blames each one in turn
+for his own ineptitude.
+
+The player who can use his left hand as well as his right: a man to be
+avoided.
+
+The player who whistles while he plays. This is a very deadly
+companion.
+
+The player who never has a good word for his opponent's efforts.
+
+The player who congratulates you on every stroke: a charming
+antagonist.
+
+The player who is always jolly whatever buffets he receives from
+fortune.
+
+The player who talks about every one of his strokes.
+
+The player who swears at most of them.
+
+The player who doubts the accuracy of your scoring. Avoid this one.
+
+The player who hits everything too hard. This is a very exasperating
+man to meet because fortune usually favours him. Either he flukes
+immoderately or he does not leave well. He is usually a hearty fellow
+with no sense of shame. Perhaps he says "Sorry;" but he adds, "It must
+have been on."
+
+The player who hits everything too gently: the lamb as compared with
+the previous type, who is a lion. The lamb is good to play with if you
+prefer winning to a real contest.
+
+The player who groans loudly when you make a fluke.
+
+The player who is accustomed to play on a much faster table than this.
+
+The player who calls the game Pills.
+
+The player who calls it Tuskers.
+
+The player who counts your breaks for you, but whether from interest
+or suspicion you are not sure.
+
+The player who pots the white when he should and says nothing about
+it.
+
+The player who pots the white when he should, with a thousand
+apologies.
+
+The player who pots the white when he shouldn't, with a thousand
+apologies.
+
+The player who is snappy with the marker.
+
+The player who drops cigar ash on the cloth.
+
+The player who hates to lose.
+
+The player who would much rather that you won. This type is a joy to
+play with, unless towards the end he too patently ceases to try.
+
+The player who, after the stroke, tells you what you ought to have
+done.
+
+The player who talks to the balls, particularly to the red. "Now then,
+red," he says, "don't go into baulk;" or, "Stop just by that pocket;"
+or "White, don't go down."
+
+The player who has just come from a spectacular match and keeps on
+trying to reproduce that shot of STEVENSON's.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Ministry Official_. "No NEED TO SCREEN THE LIGHTS
+_NOW_, MY BOY. D'YOU THINK THE WAR'S STILL ON?"
+
+_Infatuated Office Boy_. "I WAS JUST TRYING TO MAKE MISS JENKINS A BIT
+OF TOAST, SIR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "In a licensing prosecution at ---- yesterday it was stated
+    that one shilling was charged for a 'drop' of whisky of about
+    one-sixth of a gallon."--_Daily Paper_.
+
+In the interests of temperance we have suppressed the name of the town
+at which this bargain was secured.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CONTRACTS.
+
+It was shortly after the commencement of the March offensive that
+it was decided to open new munition works in Glenwhinnie, N.B. The
+contract for building was offered to the well-known firm of McTavish,
+McTurk & McThom, of Auchterinver.
+
+They accepted. With thanks.
+
+And so it came about that, early in April, Glenwhinnie, N.B. became
+the scene of great activity. Men bearing strange instruments came and
+took extensive measurements; large bodies of gentlemen in corduroys,
+armed with powerful implements indicative of toil, arrived and smoked
+clay pipes; a special light railway was rapidly constructed, and bore
+colossal cranes and more gentlemen with clay pipes to the scene of
+action. And Mr. McTurk went in person to open the proceedings.
+
+In a speech pulsating with patriotism, Mr. McTurk exhorted his men to
+do their best for their King and country, and show everybody what the
+firm of McTavish, McTurk & McThom could do. He then departed, leaving
+things in the hands of a dozen subordinates well tried and true ...
+
+And so by the early days of June the work began ...
+
+Came November 11th ...
+
+November 20th it was decided that the new works in Glenwhinnie, N.B.,
+would not be necessary after all.
+
+What was to be done?
+
+A special committee decided that the buildings should be demolished,
+and the contract was offered to the well-known firm of McClusky,
+McCleery & McClumpha, of Auchtermuchty.
+
+They accepted. With thanks.
+
+And so it came about that a second army of occupation descended upon
+Glenwhinnie, N.B. Fresh bodies of gentlemen in corduroys and armed
+with a rather different set of powerful implements arrived, and smoked
+clay pipes. Another light railway was rapidly constructed, and Mr.
+McCleery went in person to open the proceedings. In a speech full of
+fervour ...
+
+And so by early January the work commenced.
+
+By this time Messrs. McTavish and Co. had got the buildings well in
+hand. What was to be done? Leave their work uncompleted? Never! As
+Mr. McThom pointed out with considerable emotion to his partners, a
+contract was a contract all the world over.
+
+If it ever came to be said that any firm he was interested in had
+failed to fulfil a contract, he for one (Angus McThom) would never
+hold up his head. The contract must be completed. It was a sacred
+duty. Besides--a minor point--what about payment?
+
+So Mr. McTurk was despatched to Glenwhinnie, N.B., where in a speech
+of great power he pointed out the path of duty.
+
+Amid scenes of enthusiasm the work went on apace.
+
+And at the other end the well-known firm of McClusky, McCleery &
+McClumpha tore down the buildings with equal enthusiasm.
+
+And that is the state of affairs just now in Glenwhinnie, N.B. What
+will happen when--as they are bound to do--the wreckers overtake the
+builders is a matter for speculation. Mr. McTurk may make another
+speech. Possibly Mr. McCleery may also exhort. There is promise of a
+delicate situation.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "AND ARE YOU A GOOD NEEDLEWOMAN AND RENOVATOR, AND
+WILLING TO BE USEFUL?"
+
+"MADAM, I AM AFRAID THERE IS SOME MISUNDERSTANDING. I AM A LADY'S
+MAID--NOT A USEFUL MAID."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE STOICS OF THE SERPENTINE.
+
+    I, for my part, admire
+    The snug domestic fire,
+  The comfortable hearth, the glowing coals,
+    Nor in the least aspire
+  To emulate those strong heroic souls
+    Who get up while it's dark
+    And haste to chill ablutions in Hyde Park.
+
+    It can't be very nice
+    To break the solid ice
+  And, like a walrus, plunge into the deep;
+    Then jump out in a trice,
+  Dissevering the icicles as you leap,
+    Even though the after-glow
+    Of virtue melts the circumjacent snow.
+
+    And we of milder mould,
+    And we who're growing old,
+  Wish they would wash, like other folk, elsewhere;
+    It makes us feel quite cold
+  To think of them refrigerating there;
+    We shiver in our beds;
+    Our pitying molars chatter in our heads.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE DOVER PATROL.
+
+    VINDICTIVE MEN AS PROGRAMME SELLERS."--_Times_.
+
+After what men have suffered from the flag-day sex, no wonder they get
+vindictive when they have a chance of retaliation.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The causes of the engineers' strike in London are a little
+    obscure, but the stoppage of the ten minutes allowed for tea
+    before the 47-hour day was introduced brought the men out from
+    one motor works."--_Provincial Paper_.
+
+The great objection to a day of this length is that it gives so little
+scope for overtime.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Association for the Betterment of the Highlands and
+    Islands of the Free Church of Scotland have prepared and
+    presented to the Secretary for Scotland a memorandum on the
+    reconstruction of the Highlands."--_Scots Paper_.
+
+We have always thought that judicious thinning of the more congested
+views would help the tourist.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The men who had watched the daily search set up a cheer,
+    ffi---- ----fl."--_Sunday Paper_.
+
+We hope the cheer was more hearty than it appears at first sight.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CONSULTATION.
+
+    _Persons of the dialogue_: Arthur Pillwell, M.D., _a
+    fashionable physician;_ Henry Swallow, _a patient. The scene
+    is laid in_ Dr. Pillwell's _consulting-room--a solid room,
+    heavily furnished. A large writing-table occupies the centre
+    of the scene. There are a few prints on the walls; two
+    bookcases are solidly filled with medical books._ Dr. Pillwell
+    _is seated at the writing-table. He rises to greet his
+    patient._
+
+_Dr. P._ Good morning, Mr. ---- (_He looks furtively at a notebook
+lying open on the table_) Mr.--ah--Swallow.
+
+_Mr. S._ (_thinking to himself: Ought I to call this Johnnie "Doctor,"
+or not? I'm told they're very particular about a thing like that.
+Like a fool, I never gave it a thought. Still, I can't go so very far
+wrong if I call him "Doctor." Besides, he's got to be called "Doctor"
+whether he likes it or not. Here goes._) (_Aloud_) Good morning, Dr.
+Pillwell. I've been troubled with some symptoms which I can't quite
+make out. I think I described them in my letter. (_To himself: They
+made several doctors Knights of the British Empire, and I'm almost
+certain Pillwell was one of them. Sir John Pillwell. Yes, it sounds
+all right; but I shan't call him "Sir John" because if he isn't a
+knight he might think I was trying to make fun of him and then he
+might retaliate by calling me "Sir Henry," and I should hate that_).
+(_Aloud_) The chief symptoms are a steady loss of appetite and a
+disinclination to work. I was recommended to consult you by my friend,
+Mr. Bolter, as I think I explained in my letter.
+
+_Dr. P._ It's curious how prevalent these symptoms are at the present
+moment. I think, if you don't mind, I will begin by taking your
+temperature.
+
+    [_Produces clinical thermometer and gives it three good
+    jerks._
+
+_Mr. S._ (_to himself: There--I knew he'd want to put one of those
+infernal machines in my mouth. I simply loathe the feeling of them,
+and I'm always on the verge of crunching them up. Perhaps I ought to
+warn him._) (_Aloud_) I'm afraid I'm not much good as a thermometer
+man.
+
+_Dr. P._ Oh, it's a mere trifle. All you've got to do is just to hold
+it under your tongue. There--it's in.
+
+_Mr. S._ (_talking with difficulty_). Ish i' in 'e ri' plashe?
+
+_Dr. P._ Yes. But don't try to talk while it's in your mouth. I've had
+patients who've bitten it in two. There--that's enough. (_Extracts it
+deftly from patient's mouth and examines it._) Hum, hum, yes. A point
+below normal. Nothing violently wrong _there_. (_He now performs the
+usual rites and mysteries._) I'll make you out a little prescription
+which ought to put you all right. And if you can spare a week, and
+spend it at Eastbourne, I don't think it will do you any harm.
+
+_Mr. S._ (_To himself: I like this man. He doesn't waste any time.
+It's a curious coincidence that I should have been thinking this
+very morning of arranging a visit to the seaside. Now of course I've
+absolutely got to go. Can't disobey my new doctor, and wouldn't if I
+could. By Jove, I'd all but forgotten about the two guineas fee. Yes,
+the cheque's in my breast-pocket. Two guineas for the first visit.
+The rule is not to give it too openly, but to slip it on to a desk
+or table as if you were half ashamed of it. Where shall I put it so
+as to make sure he spots it out of the corner of his eye? Ha! on the
+blotting-pad, which I can just reach. Does it with his left hand, and
+feels a man once more._)
+
+_Dr. P._ And here's your prescription.
+
+_Mr. S._ Thank you a thousand times. (_To himself: He's edging up to
+the blotting-pad, and he'll have the cheque in another second._)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO A CHINESE COOLIE.
+
+  O happy Chink! When I behold thy face,
+    Illumined with the all-embracing smile
+  Peculiar to thy celestial race,
+    So full of mirth and yet so free from guile,
+  I stand amazed and let my fancy roam,
+    And ask myself by what mysterious lure
+  Thou wert induced to leave thy flowery home
+    For Flanders, where, alas! the flowers are fewer.
+
+  Oft have I marked thee on the Calais quay,
+    Unloading ships of plum-and-apple jam,
+  Or beef, or, three times weekly, M. and V.,
+    And sometimes bacon (very rarely ham);
+  Or, where St. Quentin towers above the plain,
+    Have seen thee scan the awful scene and sigh,
+  Pick up a spade, then put it down again
+    And wipe a furtive tear-drop from thine eye.
+
+  And many a Sabbath have I seen thee stride
+    With stately step across the Merville Square,
+  Beaming with pleasure, full of conscious pride,
+    Breaking the hearts of all the _jeunes filles_ there;
+  A bowler hat athwart thy stubborn locks
+    And round thy neck a tie of brilliant blue,
+  Thy legs in football shorts, thy feet in socks
+    Of silken texture and vermilion hue.
+
+  Impassive Chu (or should I call thee "Chow"?),
+    Say, what hast thou to do with all this fuss,
+  The ceaseless hurry and the beastly row,
+    The buzzing plane and roaring motor-bus,
+  While far away the sullen Hwang-ho rolls
+    His lazy waters to the Eastern Sea,
+  And sleepy mandarins sit on bamboo poles
+    Imbibing countless cups of China tea?
+
+  A year ago thou digged'st in feverish haste
+    Against the whelming onset of the Hun
+  A hundred miles of trench across the waste--
+    A year ago--and now the War is won;
+  But thou remainest still with pick and spade,
+    Celestial delver, patient son of toil!
+  To fill the trenches thou thyself hast made
+    And roll the twisted wire-in even coil.
+
+  But not for thee the glory and the praise,
+    The medals or the fat gratuity;
+  No man shall crown thee with a wreath of bays
+    Or recommend thee for the O.B.E.;
+  And thou, methinks, wouldst rather have it so,
+    Provided that, without undue delay,
+  They let thee take thy scanty wage and go
+    Back to thy sunny home in Old Cathay;
+
+  Where never falls a shell nor bursts a bomb,
+    Nor ever blows the slightest whiff of gas,
+  Such as was not infrequent in the Somme,
+    But on thy breast shall lean some slant-eyed lass;
+  And she shall listen to thy converse ripe
+    And search for souvenirs among thy kit,
+  Pass thee thy slippers and thy opium pipe
+    And make thee glad that thou hast done thy bit.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"SELF MADE MAN
+
+    Young widwep lady intelligent, wealthy wishing to remarie,
+    wishes to make acquaintance in a Swiss Sportplace with a well
+    situated english or american gentleman. Preference is given
+    to a businessman, self made, with fine caracter aged 35-45
+    handsome as the lady is it too."--_Swiss Paper_.
+
+We foresee a rush of profiteers to the Alps.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Sportsman_. "THEY DON'T SEEM VERY ANXIOUS TO HUNT
+TO-DAY, TOM."
+
+_Tom_ (_exasperated by a bad scenting day_). "POOR THINGS, THEY'VE
+ALMOST FORGOT HOW TO; THEY'VE BEEN SO BUSY GETTIN' OUT OF THE WAY OF
+YOU YOUNG OFFICER GENTS SINCE YOU CAME 'OME."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS._)
+
+Finding _Midas and Son_ (METHUEN) described on the wrapper as a tale
+of "the struggle of a young man and his immense riches," I said to
+myself (rather like _Triplet_ in the play) that here was a struggle at
+which it would greatly hearten me to assist. As a fact, however, the
+conflict proved to be somewhat postponed; it took Mr. STEPHEN McKENNA
+more than two hundred pages to get the seconds out of the ring and
+leave his hero, _Deryk_, face to face with an income of something over
+a million a year. Before this happened the youth had become engaged
+to a girl, been thrown over by her, experienced the wiles of Circe and
+gone in more or less vaguely for journalism. Then came the income and
+the question what to do with it. Of course he didn't know how to use
+it to the best advantage; it is universal experience that other people
+never do. But _Deryk_ impressed me as more than commonly lacking
+in resource. All he could think of was to finance and share in an
+archæological venture (rather fun), and to purchase a Pall Mall
+club-house--apparently the R.A.C.--and do it up as a London abode for
+himself and his old furniture. Also for his wife, as fortune had now
+flung him again into the arms of his early love. But it is just here
+that the subtle and slightly cruel cleverness of Mr. McKENNA's scheme
+becomes manifest. The million-a-year had been at work on _Deryk_; it
+had slain his capacity for romance. In plain words, he found that he
+cared more for his furniture than for his _fiancée_, whose adoration
+soon bored him to shrieking point. So there you are. I shall not
+betray the author's solution of his own problem. I don't think
+he has proved his somewhat obvious point as to the peril of great
+possessions. _Deryk_ was hardly a quite normal subject, and
+_Idina_ (the girl) was a little fool who would have irritated a
+crossing-sweeper. But what he certainly has done is to provide some
+scenes of pre-war London not unworthy to be companion pictures to
+those in _Sonia_; and this, I fancy, will be good enough for most
+readers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Its publishers call _The Pot Boils_ (CONSTABLE) a "provocative" book,
+and certainly the title at least deserves this epithet. But I decline
+to be drawn into the obvious retort. Besides, with all its faults, the
+story exhibits an almost flaunting disregard of those qualities that
+make the best seller. About the author I am prepared to wager, first,
+that "STORM JAMESON" is a disguise; secondly, that the personality
+behind it is feminine. I have hinted that the tale is hardly likely
+to gain universal popularity; let me add that certain persons, notably
+very young Socialists and experts in Labour journalism, may find it of
+absorbing interest. It is a young book, almost exclusively about young
+people, written (or I mistake) by a youthful hand. These striplings
+and maidens are all poor, mostly vain, and without exception fulfilled
+of a devastating verbosity. We meet them first at a "Northern
+University," talking, reforming the earth, kissing, and again
+talking--about the kisses. Thence they and the tale move to London,
+and the same process is repeated. It is all rather depressingly narrow
+in outlook; though within these limits there are interesting and
+even amusing scenes. Also the author displays now and again a happy
+dexterity of phrase (I remember one instance--about "web-footed
+Socialists ... dividing and sub-dividing into committees, like worms
+cut by a spade"), which encourages me to hope that she will do better
+things with a scheme of wider appeal. But to the general, especially
+the middle-aged general, the contents of her present _Pot_ will, I
+fear, be only caviare.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Little _Sara Lee Kennedy_, betrothed to one of those alert grim-jawed
+young Americans one sees in the advertising pages of _The Ladies' Home
+Journal_, learns of the suffering in Belgium at the beginning of the
+great War and finds she must do something about it. She can cook, so
+she will go and make soup for KING ALBERT's men. She takes her young
+man's photograph and his surly disapproval; also a few dollars hastily
+collected from her obscure township in Pa.; and becomes the good
+angel of a shattered sector of the Belgian line. And she finds in _The
+Amazing Interlude_ (MURRAY) her prince--a real prince--in the Secret
+Service, and, after the usual reluctances and brave play (made for the
+sake of deferring the inevitable) with the photograph of the old
+love, is at last gloriously on with the new. It is a very charming
+love-story, and MARY ROBERTS RINEHART makes a much better thing of the
+alarms and excursions of war than you would think. It was no good, I
+found, being superior about it and muttering "Sentiment" when you had
+to blink away the unbidden tear lest your fireside partner should find
+you out. So let me commend to you this idealised vision of a corner
+of the great War seen through the eyes of an American woman of vivid
+sympathies.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Rovers of the Night Sky_ (CASSELL) is for more reasons than one
+a welcome addition to my rapidly bulging collection of books about
+flying. "NIGHT HAWK, M.C.," was in the Infantry--what he calls
+a "Gravel-Cruncher"--before he took to the air, and by no means
+the least interesting part of his sketches is the way in which he
+explains the co-operation which existed between the fliers and the men
+fighting on the ground. And his delight when a bombing expedition was
+successful in giving instant assistance to the Infantry is frequently
+shown. After his training in England "NIGHT HAWK" was attached as an
+observer to a night-flying squadron in France, and he tells us of
+his adventures with no sense of self-importance but with an honest
+appreciation of their value to the general scheme of operations. He
+has also a keen eye for the humours of life, and can make his jest
+with most admirable brevity. "Doubtless," he says in a foreword, "the
+whole world will fly before many years have passed, but for the moment
+most people have to be content to read about it." I am one of them,
+and he has added to my contentment.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+My studies of recent fiction induce the belief that modern Wales
+may be divided into two parts, in one of which the inhabitants call
+each other _Bach_ and follow a code of morals that I simply will not
+stoop to characterise; while the other is at once more Saxon in idiom
+and considerably more melodramatic in its happenings. It is to the
+latter province that I must assign _A Little Welsh Girl_ (HODDER AND
+STOUGHTON), the Romance, with a big R, of _Dylis Morgan_, who pushed
+an unappreciated suitor over a precipice and came to London to make
+her fortune in revue. Really the suitor didn't go all the way down
+the precipice; but as, by the time he recovered, _Dylis_, disguised,
+had fled for England, he was promptly arrested for her murder, and
+as _Dylis_ thought she had murdered him there was presently so much
+confusion (increased for me by the hopelessly unpronounceable names
+of a large cast) that I found it increasingly hard to keep the affair
+in hand. As for _Dylis's_ theatrical career--well, you know how
+these things are managed in fiction; for my part I was left wondering
+whether Mr. HOWEL EVANS' pictures of Wales were as romantically
+conceived as his conception of a West-End theatre. Though of course
+we all know that Welsh people do sometimes make even more sensational
+triumphs in the Metropolis; just possible indeed that this fact may
+have some bearing on the recent flood of Cambrian fiction. Certainly,
+if _A Little Welsh Girl_ achieves success on the strength of Mr. LLOYD
+GEORGE's triumph, she may thank her luck, for I have my doubts whether
+she could manage it unassisted.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Of _Ladies Must Live_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) one may say, in the first
+place, that it is fortunately unnecessary as well as unusual for
+the bulk of them to live in the scalp and tomahawk atmosphere that
+distinguishes the sexual and social rivalry of _Christine Fennimer_
+and _Nancy Almar_, the two beautiful American Society dames whose duel
+for the affections of the eligible hero form the plot, the whole plot
+and nothing but the plot of Miss ALICE DUER MILLER's latest book.
+Nature red in tooth and claw has not mothered them--they are too
+well-bred for that; they simply bite with their tongues. _Mrs. Almar_,
+who is married and purely piratical, comes off worst in the encounter,
+and the more artful _Christine_, ultimately falling in love with the
+object of her artifices, becomes human enough to marry him, despite
+his lapse from financial eligibility. The plot is a thin one, but
+smoothly and brightly unfolded. Unhappily Miss MILLER lacks the
+gift of delicate satire and the sense of humour that the society
+novel above all others seems to require. With a lighter and less
+matter-of-fact treatment one would accept more easily the overdrawing
+of her rather impossible felines.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Man in the Air_. "ANOTHER OF THESE BEASTLY PIVOTAL
+MEN!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Sir Charles Sykes, Director of Wood Production, has conferred
+    with representatives of each section of the tailoring trade,
+    with a view to simplifying the regulations and making possible
+    a larger output of Standard suits."--_Daily Paper_.
+
+We look forward to the part that this new clothing will play in the
+general scheme of afforestation.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A lady visiting the town complained that she went to a
+    licensed house and asked to be served with tea. She alleged
+    that the licensee was very rude to her, and refused to grant
+    her request. He [the Superintendent of Police] desired
+    to point out to license holders that they were bound to
+    provide proper accommodation and refreshment for man and
+    beast."--_West-Country Paper_.
+
+And we desire to point out to the Superintendent that that is not the
+proper way to refer to a lady.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+156, Feb. 19, 1919, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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+    <meta http-equiv="Content-Type"
+          content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" />
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+    <title>Punch, February 19, 1919.</title>
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+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156,
+Feb. 19, 1919, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156, Feb. 19, 1919
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: November 24, 2004 [EBook #14146]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+    <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+     OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+    <h2>Vol. 156.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+    <h2>February 19, 1919.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page133"
+       id="page133"></a>[pg 133]</span>
+
+    <h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2>
+
+    <p>The report that demobilisation will be completed by March
+    31st is now officially denied. There would appear to be
+    something in the rumour that the Demobilisation Staff have
+    expressed the hope of dying in harness.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>It is stated that Woolwich Arsenal is preparing to
+    manufacture ice-cream freezers. People are wondering if it was
+    the weather that gave them this happy thought.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>The German ex-Crown Prince is so determined that the Allies
+    shall not place him on trial that he now threatens to commit
+    suicide or die in the attempt.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>"There are things we want to get rid of," says "BACK
+    BENCHER" in <i>The Daily Mail</i>. The rumour that Sir
+    FREDERICK BANBURY, M.P., has already demanded an apology is
+    unconfirmed.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Soldier-golfers, says a sporting writer, are already urging
+    the introduction of fresh features into the game. A new method
+    of addressing the ball, introduced from Mesopotamia, is said to
+    be most efficacious.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>With reference to the North of England man who has decided
+    not to strike, we now learn that he happens to be out of work
+    just at present.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>ISAAC DENBIGH, of Chicago, is, we are told,
+    one-hundred-and-thirteen years of age. He must try again. We
+    expect better things than this from America.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Statesmen, says Sir WILLIAM ORPEN, A.R.A., are poor sitters.
+    The impulse to rush out and cackle has probably something to do
+    with it.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>It is said that a soldier in the Lancashire Fusiliers
+    decided, on being demobilised, to accept a standard civilian
+    suit instead of the usual gratuity. The Sergeant-Major in
+    charge of the case lies in a critical condition.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Sand-gleaners at Ramsgate are making money from bags of
+    sugar washed ashore. This answers the oft-propounded question,
+    "How do grocers spend their week-ends?"</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Another hold-up by American soldiers has occurred in
+    Liverpool. In view of the magnitude of our debt to the United
+    States it is felt that this method of collecting it in
+    instalments is bound to prove unsatisfactory.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>"Humour and love," says a contemporary, "are what will pay
+    the average writer best at the moment." It is not known whether
+    Labour or the Peace Conference has done most to send up the
+    price of these luxuries.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Officials of the Waiters' Union are perturbed over the
+    rumour that restaurant <i>habitués</i> are preparing to strike
+    in favour of a fifty per cent. reduction in tips.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Several of our leading magistrates declare that unless some
+    High Court judge asks, "What is beer?" they will be compelled
+    to do it themselves.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>A St. Bernard dog belonging to a New York hotel-keeper
+    perished after swallowing a bundle of dollar notes. It is said
+    that the deceased died worth sixty-five pounds.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>One explanation for the many daylight robberies committed
+    recently in London is that several of our better-class burglars
+    object to breaking into people's houses like thieves in the
+    night.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Because a Highgate lodger refused to pay his rent, the
+    landlady wrote asking his wife to come and fetch him away. If
+    he is not claimed in three days he will be sold to defray
+    expenses.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Only a person with a perfectly healthy skin, says a
+    contemporary, can afford to face the keen winds without taking
+    precaution. If you have any doubts about your skin the best
+    thing is to leave it at home on the hat-rack.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>At a football match at South Hindley last week the referee
+    was struck in the mouth and severely injured by one of the
+    backs, after ordering three other players off the field for
+    fighting. This, we understand, was one of the first fixtures to
+    be brought off under the auspices of the Brighter Football
+    League.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>The L.C.C. are said to be formulating a plan to meet the
+    rush for trains on the Underground. Personally we always try to
+    avoid it.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>A medical journal refers to a new method of raising blisters
+    by hypnotic suggestion. This is said to be an improvement on
+    the old East End system of developing black eyes by
+    back-answering.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>A defendant told the Tower Bridge magistrate that he only
+    took whisky when he had a cold. It must be hard work for him to
+    resist sitting by an open window this weather.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>A gold vase, said to have been stolen from Assyria 2478
+    years ago, has just been found in a sarcophagus at Cairo. We
+    understand that the local police have been instructed to take
+    action.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>The typist who, as reported in these columns last week, fell
+    out of a moving train on the Isle of Wight Railway and had
+    quite a lot to say to the guard when she overtook the train, is
+    now understood to have been told she could keep on walking if
+    she liked. However, as her people were not expecting her until
+    the train arrived, she again entered the carriage from which
+    she had fallen.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Russian soldiers are now permitted to smoke in the streets
+    and to travel in railway carriages. Later on it is hoped that
+    the privilege of dying a natural death may be extended to
+    them.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/133.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/133.png"
+             alt="House-agent's Clerk." /></a><i>House-agent's
+             Clerk</i> (<i>to gentleman hunting for a flat</i>).
+             "NOW THEN, BE OFF WITH YOU. WE NEVER BUY ANYTHING FROM
+             ITINERANTS."
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page134"
+       id="page134"></a>[pg 134]</span>
+
+    <h2>THE CAM OFFENSIVE.</h2>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Once more on Barnwell's fetid ooze,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Neglected these long years of
+            slaughter,</p>
+
+            <p>In stolid tubs the Lenten crews</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Go forth to flog the same old water.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Fresh from the Somme's resilient phase,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">From Flanders slime and bomb-proof
+            burrows,</p>
+
+            <p>Much as we did in ancient days</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">They smite the Cam's repellent
+            furrows.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Their coaches sit the old, old gees,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">But with a manner something larger,</p>
+
+            <p>As warriors who between their knees</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Have learned to steer the bounding
+            charger.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Unchanged their language, rude and firm,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Save where a khaki note is sounded,</p>
+
+            <p>And here and there a towpath term</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">With military tags confounded.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"Get forward! Are you ready? Quick&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">March!" "Get a move on! Keep it
+            breezy!"</p>
+
+            <p>"Two, mind the step!" "Swing out and kick!"</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">"Halt! Sit at&mdash;ease!
+            Ground&mdash;oars! Sit easy!"</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"The dressing's bad all down the line."</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">"Eyes on your front rank's shoulders,
+            Seven!</p>
+
+            <p>Don't watch the Cam&mdash;it's not the
+            Rhine&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Or gaze for Gothas up in heaven!"</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"I want to hear your rowlocks ring</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Like a good volley, all together."</p>
+
+            <p>"Hands up (or 'Kamerad') as you swing</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Straight from the hips. Don't sky your
+            feather,</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>As if I'd given the word, 'High Port'!"</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">"Five, I admit your martial charms,
+            Sir,</p>
+
+            <p>But now you're on a rowing-thwart,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">So use your legs and not your arms,
+            Sir!"</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"Six, you've a rotten seat, my son;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Don't trust your stirrups; grip the
+            saddle!"</p>
+
+            <p>"Squad&mdash;properly at ease!
+            Squad&mdash;'shun!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Get forward! By the
+            centre&mdash;paddle!"</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p class="author">O.S.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>CAST.</h2>
+
+    <p>The auctioneer glanced at his book. "Number 29," he said,
+    "black mare, aged, blind in near eye, otherwise sound."</p>
+
+    <p>The cold rain and the biting north-east wind did not add to
+    the appearance of Number 29, as she stood, dejected, listless,
+    with head drooping, in the centre of the farmers and
+    horse-dealers who were attending the sale of cast Army horses.
+    She looked as though she realised that her day had waned, and
+    that the bright steel work, the soft well-greased leather, the
+    snowy head-rope and the shining curb were to be put aside for
+    less noble trappings.</p>
+
+    <p>She had a curiously shaped white blaze, and I think it was
+    that, added to the description of her blindness, which stirred
+    my memory within me. I closed my eyes for a second and it all
+    came back to me, the gun stuck in the mud, the men straining at
+    the wheels, the shells bursting, the reek of high explosive,
+    the two leaders lying dead on the road, and, above all, two
+    gallant horses doing the work of four and pulling till you'd
+    think their hearts would burst.</p>
+
+    <p>I stepped forward and, looking closer at the mare's neck,
+    found what I had expected, a great scar. That settled it. I
+    approached the auctioneer and asked permission to speak to the
+    crowd for a few moments.</p>
+
+    <p>"Well," said he, "I'm supposed to do the talking here, you
+    know."</p>
+
+    <p>"It won't do you any harm," I pleaded, "and it will give me
+    a chance to pay off a big debt."</p>
+
+    <p>"Right," he said, smiling; "carry on."</p>
+
+    <p>"Gentlemen," I said, "about this time a year ago I was
+    commanding a battery in France. It was during the bad days, and
+    we were falling back with the Hun pressing hard upon us. My
+    guns had been firing all the morning from a sunken road, when
+    we got orders to limber up and get back to a rear position. We
+    hadn't had a bad time till then, a few odd shells, but nothing
+    that was meant especially for our benefit. And then, just as we
+    were getting away, they spotted us, and a battery opened on us
+    good and strong. By a mixture of good luck and great effort
+    we'd got all the guns away but one, when a shell landed just in
+    front of the leaders and knocked them both out with their
+    driver; at the same time the gun was jerked off the road into a
+    muddy ditch. Almost simultaneously another shell killed one of
+    the wheelers, and there we were with one horse left to get the
+    gun out of the ditch and along a road that was almost as bad as
+    the ditch itself.</p>
+
+    <p>"It looked hopeless, and it was on the tip of my tongue to
+    give orders to abandon the gun, when suddenly out of the blue
+    there appeared on the bank above us a horse, looking
+    unconcernedly down at us.</p>
+
+    <p>"In those days loose horses were straying all over the
+    country, and I took this to be one from another battery which
+    had come to us for company.</p>
+
+    <p>"I turned to one of the men. 'Catch that mare quick.'</p>
+
+    <p>"In a few minutes we had the harness off the dead wheeler
+    and on the new-comer. Pull? Gentlemen, if you could have seen
+    those two horses pull!</p>
+
+    <p>"We'd just got a move on the gun when another shell came and
+    seemed to burst right on top of the strange mare. I heard a
+    terrified squeal, and through the smoke I saw her stagger and
+    with a mighty effort recover herself. I ran round and saw she'd
+    been badly hit over the eye and had a great tearing gash in the
+    neck. We never thought she could go on, but she pulled away
+    just the same, with the blood pouring off her, till finally we
+    got the gun out and down the road to safety.</p>
+
+    <p>"I got knocked out a few minutes later, and from that day to
+    this I've often wondered what had happened to the mare that had
+    served us so gallantly. I know now. There she stands before
+    you. I'd know her out of a thousand by the white blaze; and if
+    there was a doubt there's her blind eye and the scar on her
+    neck.</p>
+
+    <p>"That's all, gentlemen; but I'm going to ask the man who
+    buys her to remember her story and to see that her last days
+    are not too hard."</p>
+
+    <p>She fell at a good price to a splendid type of West Country
+    farmer, and the auctioneer whispered to me, "I'm glad old
+    Carey's got her. There's not a man in the county keeps his
+    horses better."</p>
+
+    <p>"Old Carey" came up to me as we were moving off. "I had a
+    son in France," he said, "in the gunners, too, but he hadn't
+    the luck of the old mare"&mdash;he hesitated a moment and his
+    old eyes looked steadily into mine&mdash;"for he'll never come
+    back. The mare'll be all right, Sir," he went on as he walked
+    off, "easy work and full rations. I reckon she's earned
+    them."</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"The bride was given away by her grandfather who was
+        dressed in Liberty satin in empire style, with hanging
+        sleeves of chiffon."&mdash;<i>Provincial Paper</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>He must have looked a sweet old dear.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page135"
+       id="page135"></a>[pg 135]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/135.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/135.png"
+             alt="THE GOOSE THAT LAYS THE GOLDEN EGGS." /></a>
+
+        <h3>THE GOOSE THAT LAYS THE GOLDEN EGGS.</h3><i>The
+        Bird</i>. "HAVE YOU REALISED, MY GOOD SIR, THAT IF YOU
+        PROCEED TO EXTREMES WITH THAT WEAPON MY AURIFEROUS
+        ACTIVITIES MUST INEVITABLY CEASE?"
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page136"
+       id="page136"></a>[pg 136]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/136.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/136.png"
+             alt="ECHO OF THE TUBE STRIKE." /></a>
+
+        <h3>ECHO OF THE TUBE STRIKE.</h3>"TAKE YER UP TO THE CITY
+        FOR 'ALF-A-QUID, GUV'NOR."
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>THE ACUTE ANGLER.</h2>
+
+    <p>The Colonel of our Reserve Battalion has an almost unique
+    reputation as an angler. Scattered elements of the regiment
+    carry his piscatorial heroics to obscure corners of the earth.
+    Majors on the Pushti Kuli range recount the episode of the
+    ingenuous troutling which, having apparently conceived a
+    violent passion for the Colonel, literally forced itself upon
+    the hook seven times within a short afternoon. Captains on the
+    Sultanitza Planina rehearse the epic incidents of how the
+    Colonel snatched victory from defeat after pursuing for three
+    miles an infuriated pike which had wrenched the very rod from
+    his grasp. Subalterns in the chill wilds of Cologne, adding
+    picturesque details to an already artistic story, relate how he
+    hooked a mighty veteran carp near Windsor, and played it for
+    nine full hours (with a rest of ten minutes after the first,
+    and five after each successive hour); how, under a full moon,
+    he eventually grounded it on the Blackfriars' mud and beached
+    it with a last effort; how they lay panting side by side for a
+    space, and how, finally, with the courtesy due to an honourable
+    foe from a gallant victor, he forced neat brandy down its
+    throat and returned it to its domain in a slightly inebriated
+    but wholly grateful condition.</p>
+
+    <p>Consequently the Colonel's announcement that in view of the
+    armistice he intended to spend three days in fishing the waters
+    of a friend's estate was received by the Mess with lively
+    satisfaction. An overwhelming fish diet was deprecated, but it
+    was generally held that the honour of the regiment was in some
+    way involved, and the Major felt it his duty to escort his
+    senior officer on an expedition of such gravity.</p>
+
+    <p>It transpired that the first day was unfortunate. The
+    Colonel was silently impolite throughout Mess and retired
+    immediately afterwards. The Major explained that the conditions
+    had been adverse. The punt leaked at the end depressed by the
+    Colonel and the ground-bait had been left behind. The wind was
+    fierce and cutting, and the brandlings had been upset into the
+    luncheon-basket. In addition the Colonel's reel had escaped
+    into the river and had declined to give itself up until the
+    whole length of line had been hauled in; and, in leaning over
+    the side to reclaim it, his gold fountain-pen had vanished.
+    Five hooks had failed to return from the deep and two were left
+    suspended from inaccessible branches; Also in the Major's
+    opinion there was not a single fish in the river.</p>
+
+    <p>By breakfast the Colonel had regained his spirits. He
+    commented on the lack of support given him by the Major, and in
+    his place invited the Adjutant on the ground that he was
+    probably less clumsy. He remarked that the offensive had not
+    yet opened and that the previous day had been mainly devoted to
+    a thorough reconnaissance of the whole sector. He had reason to
+    believe that the enemy was present in considerable force.</p>
+
+    <p>The second day proved equally unfortunate. The Colonel took
+    his dinner in private, and the Mess orderly, who had dismally
+    cut the two of clubs in the kitchen, returned from his
+    ministrations a complete nervous wreck. The Adjutant explained
+    that misfortune had followed misfortune. They had barely
+    settled down midstream, and he was in the act of extracting a
+    hook from the Colonel's finger with his jack-knife, when the
+    punt broke from its moorings and carried them half-a-mile
+    downstream. <span class="pagenum"><a name="page137"
+       id="page137"></a>[pg 137]</span> It was uncanny how the
+       craft had contrived to navigate four bends without giving an
+       opportunity of landing. In the afternoon they had fished
+       from the bank, and the Colonel had fallen asleep while the
+       Adjutant mounted guard. The Adjutant protested that it was
+       not his fault that the float suddenly disappeared, or that
+       the Colonel, on being vigorously awakened by him, struck so
+       violently at what proved to be a dead branch that he lost
+       his footing and tobogganned heavily into the river, and was
+       compelled to waste three hours in the neighbouring hostelry
+       taking precautions against a chill.</p>
+
+    <p>At breakfast next morning the Colonel intimated that on this
+    his last day he would go unaccompanied. With one eye on the
+    Major and the other on the Adjutant, he passed a few remarks on
+    the <i>finesse</i> of fishing. The element of surprise should
+    be the basis of attack. Precision and absolute secrecy in the
+    carrying out of preliminary operations was vital. Every trick
+    and every device of camouflage should be brought into play.
+    There should be no violent preliminary bombardment of
+    ground-bait to alarm the hostile forces, but the sector should
+    be unostentatiously registered on the preceding night. The
+    enemy's first realisation of attack should be at that moment
+    when resistance was futile&mdash;though for his part he
+    preferred a foe that would fight to the fish-basket, as it
+    were. He thought the weather was vastly improved and admitted
+    that his hopes were high.</p>
+
+    <p>In the evening the Colonel positively swaggered into Mess.
+    He radiated good fellowship and even bandied witticisms with
+    the junior subaltern in an admirable spirit of give-and-take.
+    He had enjoyed excellent sport. Later, in the ante-room, he
+    delivered a useful little homily on the surmounting of
+    obstacles, on patience, on presence of mind and on nerve,
+    copiously illustrated from a day's triumph that will resound on
+    the Murman coast as the unconditional surrender of the
+    intimidated roach. He described how he had cunningly
+    outmanoeuvred the patrols, defeated the vigilance of the
+    pickets, pierced the line of resistance, launched a surprise
+    attack on the main body, and spread panic in the hearts of the
+    hostile legions.</p>
+
+    <p>Unhappily for us, common decency, he said, had forced him to
+    present his catch to his friend.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"Wanted, to kill time whilst waiting demobilisation, an
+        old gun, rifle, or pistol."&mdash;<i>Morning Paper</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Now we know why Time flies.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:65%;">
+        <a href="images/137.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/137.png"
+             alt="Barber." /></a><i>Barber</i> (<i>carried away by
+             his reminiscences</i>). "AND WHEN HE'D LOOPED THE LOOP
+             HE DID A NOSE-DIVE THAT FAIRLY TOOK YOUR BREATH AWAY."
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>THE TWOPENNY BIN.</h2>
+
+    <p>It was called <i>Greatheart</i>; or, <i>Samuel's Sentimental
+    Side</i>; and I think you will agree that it was a lot of title
+    for twopence. Day after day, as I fumbled among the old books
+    in the Twopenny Bin of the little secondhand bookseller's shop,
+    that volume would wriggle itself forward and worm its way into
+    my hands; and I would clench my teeth and thrust it to the
+    remotest depths of the box.</p>
+
+    <p>Then it haunted me. All day in my room I could hear
+    <i>Greatheart</i>; or, <i>Samuel's Sentimental Side</i> calling
+    out to me, "How would you like to be in the Twopenny Bin?"</p>
+
+    <p>I began to grow sentimental myself, and to handle those
+    unconsidered trifles with tenderness. For you never know; I
+    might be in the Twopenny Bin myself someday; might be picked
+    up, just glanced at and shifted back into the corner out of
+    sight.</p>
+
+    <p>Yesterday <i>Greatheart</i> again found himself in my hands,
+    and I looked to see the date of his entry upon the world. I
+    reflected on his sixty years of life, on the many happy
+    fireside hours that had been spent in his company, on the
+    gentle solace he had furnished to lesser hearts.</p>
+
+    <p>I had decided what to do. There were few people about; the
+    bookseller was not looking, and, if offence it was, well, I
+    could fall back on the mercy of those who would judge.</p>
+
+    <p>I leaned forward and tenderly deposited him in the Fourpenny
+    Bin.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page138"
+       id="page138"></a>[pg 138]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/138.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/138.png"
+             alt="The Visitor and Perseus." /></a>
+
+        <p><i>The Visitor</i>. "BY JOVE, PERSEUS, I NEVER KNEW YOU
+        WENT IN FOR SCULPTURE. GOOD STUFF, TOO, BUT A TRIFLE
+        REALISTIC."</p>
+
+        <p><i>Perseus</i>. "OH, JUST A HOBBY. BUT, BETWEEN
+        OURSELVES, IT'S THE MEDUSA'S HEAD THAT DOES IT. TURNS
+        PEOPLE INTO STONE, AND THERE YOU ARE."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>TO A DEAR DEPARTED.</h2>
+
+    <blockquote class="note">
+        <p>["Georgina," the largest of the giant tortoises at the
+        Zoo, has died. She was believed to be about two hundred and
+        fifty years old.]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Winds blow cold and the rain, Georgina,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Beats and gurgles on roof and pane;</p>
+
+            <p>Over the Gardens that once were green a</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Shadow stoops and is gone again;</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Only a sob in the wild swine's
+            squeal,</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Only the bark of the plunging seal,</p>
+
+            <p>Only the laugh of the striped hyæna</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Muffled with poignant pain.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Long ago, in the mad glad May days,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Woo'd I one who was with us still;</p>
+
+            <p>Bade him wake to the world's blithe heydays,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Leap in joyance and eat his fill;</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Sang I, sweet as the bright-billed ousel,
+            a</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Pæan of praise for thy pal,
+            Methuselah.</p>
+
+            <p>Ah! he too in the Winter's grey days</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Died of the usual chill.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>He was old when the Reaper beckoned,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Ripe for the paying of Nature's debt;</p>
+
+            <p>Forty score&mdash;if he'd lived a second&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Years had flown, but he lingered yet;</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">But you had gladdened this vale of
+            tears</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">For a bare two hundred and fifty
+            years;</p>
+
+            <p>You, Georgina, we always reckoned</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">One of the younger set.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Winter's cold and the influenza</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Wreaked and ravaged the ranks among;</p>
+
+            <p>Bills that babbled a gay cadenza,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Snouts that snuffled and claws that
+            clung&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Now they whistle and root and run</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">In Happy Valleys beyond the sun;</p>
+
+            <p>Never back to the ponds and pens a</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Sigh of regret is flung.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Flaming parrots and pink flamingoes,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Birds of Paradise, frail as fair;</p>
+
+            <p>Monkeys talking a hundred lingoes,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Ring-tailed lemur and Polar
+            bear&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Somehow our grief was not profound</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">When they passed to the Happy Hunting
+            Ground;</p>
+
+            <p>Deer and ducks and yellow dog dingoes</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Croaked, but we did not care.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>But you&mdash;ah, you were our pride, our
+            treasure,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Care-free child of a kingly race.</p>
+
+            <p>Undemonstrative? Yes, in a measure,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">But every movement replete with
+            grace.</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Whiles we mocked at the monkeys'
+            tricks</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Or pored apart on the apteryx;</p>
+
+            <p>These could yield but a passing pleasure;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Yours was the primal place.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>How our little ones' hearts would flutter</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">When your intelligent eye peeped out,</p>
+
+            <p>Saying as plainly as words could utter,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">"Hurry up with that Brussels-sprout!"</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">How we chortled with simple joy</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">When you bit that impudent
+            errand-boy;</p>
+
+            <p>"That'll teach him," we heard you mutter,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">"Whether I've got the gout."</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Fairest, rarest in all the Zoo, you</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Bound us tight in affection's bond;</p>
+
+            <p>Now you're gone from the friends that knew you,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Wails the whaup in the Waders' Pond;</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Wails the whaup and the seamews keen
+            a</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Song of sorrow; but you, Georgina,</p>
+
+            <p>Frisk for ever where warm winds woo you,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">There, in the Great Beyond.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p class="author">ALGOL.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page139"
+       id="page139"></a>[pg 139]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/139.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/139.png"
+             alt="TECHNICALITIES OF DEMOBILISATION." /></a>
+
+        <h3>TECHNICALITIES OF DEMOBILISATION.</h3><i>Officer</i>.
+        "WHAT ARE THESE MEN'S TRADES OR CALLINGS, SERGEANT?"
+        <i>Sergeant</i>. "SLOSHER, SLABBER AND WUZZER, SIR."
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>A CONTRA APPRECIATION.</h2>
+
+    <p>LORD NORTHCLIFFE has recently contributed a remarkably
+    outspoken criticism of Mr. LLOYD GEORGE by way of "send-off" to
+    his latest journal, <i>The New Illustrated</i>. The following
+    extracts from an article about to appear in <i>The Pacific
+    Monthly</i>, kindly communicated to us by wireless, seem to
+    indicate that the PREMIER is indisposed to take it lying
+    down:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <p>"In a letter recently published without my authority I said
+    that I was unable to control or influence him. This was true at
+    the time and remains true now. Time and again have efforts been
+    made to harness his energies to the State, but they have never
+    succeeded. The responsibilities of office are irksome to his
+    imperious temperament. There is something almost tragic in a
+    figure, equipped with the qualities of an hereditary autocrat,
+    endeavouring to accommodate himself to the needs of a
+    democracy. The spectacle of this purple Emperor of the Press,
+    with his ear constantly glued to the ground, is not wanting in
+    pathos. With him the idols of yesterday are the pet aversions
+    of to-day. He denounces me as 'a political chameleon, taking on
+    the colour of those who at the moment happen to be his
+    associates.' But what are you to say of a man who clamours for
+    a saviour of the situation and then turns him into a cock-shy;
+    of a Napoleon who is continually retiring to Elba when things
+    are not going as he likes; of a politician who claims the
+    privileges but refuses the duties of a Dictator?</p>
+
+    <p>"It is obvious that he is still labouring under the
+    hallucination that the War was a duel between him and the
+    KAISER; that he 'downed' his antagonist single-handed, and that
+    the prospects of a stable peace have been shattered by my
+    failure to include him among the British Peace Delegates. So,
+    all in a moment, the 'Welsh Wizard' is converted into the
+    miserable creature of the Tory Junkers&mdash;a man without
+    'high moral courage,' 'wide knowledge' or 'large ideas.'</p>
+
+    <p>"Personally I have no illusions about my consistency, but I
+    <i>do</i> think that here I displayed some moral courage, also
+    some unselfish consideration for CLEMENCEAU and WILSON and
+    others. Just think of the panegyrics that would have been
+    showered upon my head in the Press which he controls if he had
+    been invited to the Table!</p>
+
+    <p>"But with all deductions he is a man to be reckoned with, if
+    not counted upon. He is a man of large type&mdash;almost of
+    "Pica" type. And sometimes he deviates into sound and just
+    criticism; as for example when he says that I 'depend greatly,
+    upon others.' It is true. What is more, I know on whom I can
+    depend; and I have learnt that his support can only be secured
+    on terms which would reduce the PREMIER to the level of one of
+    his minor editors."</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>Shakspeare will be Pleased.</h3>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"CZECHO-SLOVAK REPUBLIC.</p>
+
+            <p>PROBLEM OF OUTLET TO SEA.</p>
+
+            <p>Port at Prague or Dantzig."</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p class="author">&mdash;<i>Scottish Paper</i>.</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"... Our ship hath touch'd upon</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The deserts of Bohemia."</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p class="author"><i>The Winter's Tale, III</i>. 3.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"At the Dogger Bank fight, Lion, the flagship of Sir
+        David Beatty, was crippled. Some people say she was
+        torpedoed, almost miraculously, by a Hun destroyer from
+        five miles' range (which version is probably
+        tripe)."&mdash;<i>Scottish Paper</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>Like so many things that we read in the Press nowadays.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page140"
+       id="page140"></a>[pg 140]</span>
+
+    <h2><i>NOUVELLES DE PARIS.</i></h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>With acknowledgments to the "Society" Press</i>).</h4>
+
+    <p class="author"><i>Paris, Feb., 1919.</i></p>
+
+    <p>Dearest POPPY,&mdash;<i>Que la vie est drôle!</i> Who was it
+    said that there are two great tragedies in life&mdash;not
+    getting what you want, and getting it? I never understood that
+    saying until now. For instance, when I left London most people
+    I knew seemed to have a feverish desire to get to Paris. They
+    were ready to move heaven, earth and the Ministry of
+    Information to obtain the desired passport. They would go to
+    any lengths to prove how necessary their presence is here
+    during the Peace Conference.</p>
+
+    <p>And now I find my countrymen over here longing with an equal
+    feverishness to go home again. <i>Ils s'attristent. Ils
+    s'ennuient.</i> They have <i>nostalgie</i> in its acutest form.
+    It quite goes to my heart to hear the pathetic questions they
+    put to newcomers: "How is London looking? What shows are
+    running now?" And they go on to speak of dear dirty dark
+    London, its beloved fogs, how adorable is the atrocious climate
+    of England, in a way that would bring tears to your eyes. Why
+    <i>don't</i> they go back? you ask, <i>ma chère</i>. It's just
+    because they want to be "in at the death" and say they were
+    here when <i>la paix était signée</i>.</p>
+
+    <p>So these poor exiles continue to sacrifice themselves and
+    drift aimlessly about Paris, making it so full that there's
+    scarcely room for people like myself&mdash;who really
+    <i>are</i> on important work here&mdash;to breathe.</p>
+
+    <p>Imagine! I met Eleanor Dashgood on the Boulevard Haussmann
+    to-day, descending from her car with her two poms yapping at
+    her heels, just as if she were <i>chez elle</i>. I really felt
+    like saying something pointed; but, after all, my only comment
+    was, "My dear, what a <i>strange</i> lot of people one meets in
+    Paris nowadays!"</p>
+
+    <p>"Yes, dearest," she said, "that just occurred to me, too."
+    I'm wondering now what the creature meant. Believe me, my dear,
+    that woman has illegally wangled a passport out of the
+    authorities by representing herself as her husband's
+    typist&mdash;he's got a diplomatic passport, you know. I
+    inquired if the maid she had brought with her had turned into a
+    typist, too, to say nothing of the poms. The <i>toupet</i> of
+    some people!</p>
+
+    <p>And, of course, all this unnecessary rabble is helping to
+    make everything <i>horriblement cher</i>. The price of things
+    makes one's hair stand on end like the quills of the fretful
+    porcupine. I can assure you that <i>le moindre petit dîner
+    coûte les yeux de la tête</i>. Poor Bobbie Lacklands had a
+    <i>tragic</i> experience yesterday. He said he quite
+    unthinkingly dropped into that most <i>recherché</i> of eating
+    places, Fouquet's, for a snack. With only a modest balance at
+    the bank he ordered a sardine. Then he called for a <i>filet
+    mignon</i> and half-a-pint of <i>vin rouge</i>&mdash;he was
+    always a reckless spendthrift sort of boy, you know. A cup of
+    <i>café noir</i> and an apple completed his financial ruin.</p>
+
+    <p>But he still declares that they were most awfully decent to
+    him about it. They agreed, with scarcely any trouble, to take
+    all the notes and loose silver he had with him on account. They
+    accepted his securities and are now allowing him to pay off the
+    balance gradually.</p>
+
+    <p>Paris is beginning to think of dress once more, or I ought
+    to say undress, for with the skirts short and the sleeves short
+    and the bodice low there isn't <i>very</i> much left to write
+    about. I hope these short tight skirts will reach the ankles
+    before they reach England, for I notice the people who have the
+    courage to wear them generally lack the excuse of symmetry.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Figurez-vous!</i> Jenny Bounceley, who considers herself
+    quite a <i>Parisienne</i> now she's got her official <i>carte
+    d'alimentation</i>, appeared the other day in a skirt that
+    resembled the <i>jupe</i> of a <i>gamine</i>. I think it's
+    disgraceful in one of her age and proportions. If she were
+    simply knock-kneed; but, as Bertie says, she's knock-ankled as
+    well.</p>
+
+    <p class="author"><i>Votre bien dévouée</i>,<br />
+    ANNE.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>"RUMANIA. REDIDIVUS."</h3>
+
+    <p class="author"><i>East African Standard</i>.</p>
+
+    <p>To judge from the rumours of revolution, this false concord
+    is only too apt.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"Music was supplied and enjoyed by a local
+        orchestra."&mdash;<i>Provincial Paper</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>This phenomenon has frequently been observed; the audience
+    meanwhile continuing its conversation.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"Colonel Sir Rhys Williams, who wore his khaki uniform,
+        moved the Address in reply to the Speech from the
+        Throne....</p>
+
+        <p>It was not the glamour of war, Mr. Rhys Williams
+        continued...."&mdash;<i>Evening Standard</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>It is refreshing to come across a case of really rapid
+    demobilisation.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"A message from Vienna states that the Emperor Carl
+        intends to be a candidate in the forthcoming elections for
+        the Australian National Assembly."&mdash;<i>Australian
+        Paper</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>But there is no truth in the rumour that, by way of
+    reprisal, Mr. HUGHES intends to put in for CARL's vacant
+    throne.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>RIME FAIRIES.</h2>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Last night about the country-side</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The nimble fairies flew,</p>
+
+            <p>And forests on the latticed pane</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">In quaint devices drew,</p>
+
+            <p>The grasses standing straight and tall,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The ferns with curious frond,</p>
+
+            <p>And just a peephole left to show</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The misty world beyond.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The voices of the murmuring streams</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">They silenced one by one,</p>
+
+            <p>And bound their feet with gleaming chains</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">So they no more could run;</p>
+
+            <p>They hung the icicles about,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And you would laugh to see</p>
+
+            <p>Just how they flung the diamonds down</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Upon the whole bare tree;</p>
+
+            <p>And every little blade of grass</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">A thing of beauty stood,</p>
+
+            <p>And when they'd finished it was just</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Like an enchanted wood.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>They paused beside the old barn door;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">A spider's web hung there</p>
+
+            <p>As fragile as a little dream,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">As delicate and fair;</p>
+
+            <p>They decked it with a thousand gems</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of oh! such dazzling sheen,</p>
+
+            <p>It was the very loveliest thing</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">That you have ever seen!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The sun from his soft bed of cloud</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Came pale and timidly;</p>
+
+            <p>He knew if he let loose his rays</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The mischief there would be;</p>
+
+            <p>He woke the sleeping world to life</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">With finger-tips of gold,</p>
+
+            <p>And up from meadow, wood and stream</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The shimmering mists unrolled;</p>
+
+            <p>He lit the candles of the dawn</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">On every bush and tree;</p>
+
+            <p>The fairies on their homing wings</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Looked back and laughed with glee,</p>
+
+            <p>"We've made a Fairyland for you,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">O Mortals, wake and see."</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"It is also extremely likely that the Democrats have
+        induced a considerable number of former Centre voters in
+        South Germany to join them."&mdash;<i>Christian
+        World</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>"Democrats" would seem to be the German equivalent of "Home
+    Rulers."</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>Extract from a recent novel:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"She wore under it a white blouse of thin stuff, snowy
+        white ... the big floppy sleeves gently bellowed in the
+        slight breeze."</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>It sounds rather a loud dress. Possibly <i>le dernier
+    cri</i>.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"It is like a red rag to a bull to the 'bus drivers to
+        see those lorries running about picking up members of the
+        public.</p>
+
+        <p>We are trying to keep our heads, but our shoulders are
+        bending under the pressure, and presently, I am afraid, we
+        shall collapse and find ourselves in the
+        vortex."&mdash;<i>Daily Paper</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>We should like to see this situation illustrated. Would some
+    Vorticist oblige?</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page141"
+       id="page141"></a>[pg 141]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/141.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/141.png"
+             alt="THE MAN WHO GOT HIS MONEY'S WORTH." /></a>
+
+        <h3>THE MAN WHO GOT HIS MONEY'S WORTH.</h3>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page142"
+       id="page142"></a>[pg 142]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/142.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/142.png"
+             alt="The Demobilised One." /></a><i>The Demobilised
+             One</i>. "SEEMS FUNNY TO THINK THAT ONLY LAST WEEK I
+             WAS WALKING ABOUT LOOKING LIKE THAT, EH?"
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>LITERARY OPTIONS.</h2>
+
+    <p>In these days of ever-increasing strikes it is suggested,
+    for the convenience of contributors to those magazines which of
+    necessity go to press some time in advance, that they should
+    submit to editors stories with interchangable
+    situations:&mdash;</p>
+
+    <table summary=""
+           align="center"
+           width="100%"><tr><td></td></tr></table>
+
+    <table summary="">
+        <tr>
+            <td align="left">Algernon Aimless rose</td>
+
+            <td align="center"><font size="+3">{</font></td>
+
+            <td align="center">lazily<br />
+            hastily</td>
+
+            <td align="center"><font size="+3">}</font></td>
+
+            <td align="center">from the breakfast-table</td>
+        </tr>
+    </table>
+
+    <table summary="">
+        <tr>
+            <td align="center">at</td>
+
+            <td align="center"><font size="+3">{</font></td>
+
+            <td align="center">9 A.M.<br />
+            7 A.M.</td>
+
+            <td align="center"><font size="+3">}</font></td>
+
+            <td align="center">on a dark winter's morning</td>
+
+            <td align="center"><font size="+3">{</font></td>
+
+            <td align="center">in order to catch the 9.15 to his
+            office in the City.<br />
+            in preparation for his four-mile trudge to the City
+            (Tube strike).</td>
+
+            <td align="center"><font size="+3">}</font></td>
+        </tr>
+    </table>
+
+    <table summary="">
+        <tr>
+            <td align="left">The</td>
+
+            <td align="center"><font size="+3">{</font></td>
+
+            <td align="center">electric lights gleamed with
+            dazzling brilliance<br />
+             solitary candle shed a dismal light (Electricians'
+            strike)</td>
+
+            <td align="center"><font size="+3">}</font></td>
+        </tr>
+    </table>
+
+    <table summary="">
+        <tr>
+            <td align="left">on the</td>
+
+            <td align="center"><font size="+3">{</font></td>
+
+            <td align="center">well-polished<br />
+            neglected</td>
+
+            <td align="center"><font size="+3">}</font></td>
+
+            <td align="center">china, silver and table cutlery</td>
+        </tr>
+    </table>
+
+    <table summary="">
+        <tr>
+            <td align="left">which</td>
+
+            <td align="center"><font size="+3">{</font></td>
+
+            <td align="center">were the joy and pride of the
+            admirable parlourmaid.<br />
+             no servants' hands had touched for weeks (Domestic
+            servants' strike).</td>
+
+            <td align="center"><font size="+3">}</font></td>
+        </tr>
+    </table>
+
+    <table summary="">
+        <tr>
+            <td>Algernon</td>
+
+            <td align="center"><font size="+3">{</font></td>
+
+            <td align="center">had glanced casually at his
+            letters.<br />
+             had had no letters to read (Postmen's strike).</td>
+
+            <td align="center"><font size="+3">}</font></td>
+        </tr>
+    </table>
+
+    <table summary="">
+        <tr>
+            <td align="left">As he stood in the</td>
+
+            <td align="center"><font size="+3">{</font></td>
+
+            <td align="center">spotlessly kept and charming<br />
+            dusty discomfort of the dark</td>
+
+            <td align="center"><font size="+3">}</font></td>
+
+            <td align="center">hall,</td>
+        </tr>
+    </table>
+
+    <table summary="">
+        <tr>
+            <td align="left">arranging his</td>
+
+            <td align="center"><font size="+3">{</font></td>
+
+            <td align="center">sleek well-brushed brown hair<br />
+            long untidy hair (Barbers' strike)</td>
+
+            <td align="center"><font size="+3">}</font></td>
+
+            <td align="center">before</td>
+        </tr>
+    </table>
+
+    <table summary="">
+        <tr>
+            <td align="center">putting on his hat, Ermyntrude
+            Aimless</td>
+
+            <td align="center"><font size="+3">{</font></td>
+
+            <td align="center">glided<br />
+             bounced</td>
+
+            <td align="center"><font size="+3">}</font></td>
+        </tr>
+    </table>
+
+    <table summary="">
+        <tr>
+            <td align="center"><font size="+3">{</font></td>
+
+            <td align="center">gracefully down the staircase, clad
+            in a charming <i>négligée</i> of satin and lace.<br />
+             breathlessly up from the basement, wearing an old
+            over-all above her dressing-gown.</td>
+
+            <td align="center"><font size="+3">}</font></td>
+        </tr>
+    </table>
+
+    <table summary="">
+        <tr>
+            <td align="center"><font size="+3">{</font></td>
+
+            <td align="center">"A handkerchief, dearest," she
+            murmured. "I was afraid<br />
+             "Your sandwiches, old thing," she gasped. "I
+            believe</td>
+
+            <td align="center"><font size="+3">}</font></td>
+        </tr>
+    </table>
+
+    <table summary="">
+        <tr>
+            <td align="center">you'd forgotten</td>
+
+            <td align="center"><font size="+3">{</font></td>
+
+            <td align="center">to take one;"<br />
+            about 'em;"</td>
+
+            <td align="center"><font size="+3">}</font></td>
+
+            <td align="center">and she held out in her</td>
+        </tr>
+    </table>
+
+    <table summary="">
+        <tr>
+            <td align="center"><font size="+3">{</font></td>
+
+            <td align="center">white delicately-manicured hand a
+            silk handkerchief of palest mauve, exquisitely
+            scented.<br />
+            none-too-clean hand an untidy brown-paper parcel which
+            contained his luncheon (Restaurant strike).</td>
+
+            <td align="center"><font size="+3">}</font></td>
+        </tr>
+    </table>
+
+    <table summary=""
+           align="center"
+           width="100%"><tr><td></td></tr></table>
+
+    <p>NOTE TO INTENDING AUTHORS.&mdash;This is not supposed to be
+    a complete story, but just gives you the idea.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>AT PARIS PLAGE.</h2>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Oft have I begged the high gods for a boon,</p>
+
+            <p>That they would bear me from the Flanders slosh</p>
+
+            <p>Back to a desert <i>not</i> made by the Bosch,</p>
+
+            <p>The sunny Egypt that I left too soon.</p>
+
+            <p>O silvery nights beneath an Eastern moon!</p>
+
+            <p>O shirt-sleeved days! O small infrequent wash!</p>
+
+            <p>O once again to see the nigger "nosh"</p>
+
+            <p>The camel, rudely grunting (out of tune)!</p>
+
+            <p>Loudly I called; the high gods hearkened not</p>
+
+            <p>Till came the signal and the big guns ceased;</p>
+
+            <p>But then they brought me to this sea-kissed
+            spot,</p>
+
+            <p>Heeded my prayer and gave me back at least</p>
+
+            <p>One of the pleasures that of old I knew,</p>
+
+            <p>For here once more there's sand within the stew.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page143"
+       id="page143"></a>[pg 143]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/143.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/143.png"
+             alt="GIVING HIM ROPE?" /></a>
+
+        <h3>GIVING HIM ROPE?</h3>GERMAN CRIMINAL (<i>to Allied
+        Police</i>). "HERE, I SAY, STOP! YOU'RE HURTING ME!
+        [<i>Aside</i>] IF I ONLY WHINE ENOUGH I MAY BE ABLE TO
+        WRIGGLE OUT OF THIS YET."
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page145"
+       id="page145"></a>[pg 145]</span>
+
+    <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+    <p><i>Tuesday, February 11th</i>.&mdash;The KING's Speech
+    outlined a programme of legislation which would in the ordinary
+    way occupy two or three Sessions. But the Parliamentary
+    machinery is to be ruthlessly speeded up and "a short cut to
+    the Millennium" is to be discovered by way of the
+    Committee-rooms. Precisians observed with regret that the
+    customary reference in the Speech to "economy" had by some
+    oversight been omitted; and the prospective creation of several
+    additional Departments led Lord CREWE to express apprehension
+    lest the country should be "doped" with new Ministries, to the
+    detriment of the national health.</p>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:35%;">
+        <a href="images/145-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/145-1.png"
+             alt="THE OPPOSITION FREAK." /></a>
+
+        <h4>THE OPPOSITION FREAK.</h4>THE ADAMSON-MACLEAN
+        COMBINATION.
+    </div>
+
+    <p>"Where are they gone, the old familiar faces?" was the
+    question one asked oneself on looking at the crowded benches of
+    the House of Commons. It was said of a Past President of the
+    United States that he was the politest man in America&mdash;"he
+    gave up his seat in a street-car and made room for four
+    ladies." The gap made on the Front Opposition Bench by the
+    involuntary retirement of Mr. ASQUITH&mdash;to which generous
+    allusion was made by the PRIME MINISTER&mdash;is so vast that
+    the joint efforts of Sir DONALD MACLEAN and Mr. ADAMSON to fill
+    it met with only partial success. Unless, by the way, Mr.
+    SPEAKER definitely decides the problem of precedence, it is to
+    be feared that the hoped-for acceleration of business will not
+    occur, for at present each of them thinks it necessary to speak
+    whenever the other does, like the hungry lions on Afric's
+    burning shore. For all their outward politeness I am sure "the
+    first lion thinks the last a bore"; and if they insist on
+    roaring together much longer the House will think it of both of
+    them.</p>
+
+    <p>The corner-seat whence Mr. PRINGLE flung his barbed darts at
+    the Government is filled, physically, by Mr. STANTON. Lonely
+    Mr. HOGGE now sits uneasily upon the Front Opposition Bench,
+    but, fearing perhaps lest its dignified traditions should cramp
+    his style, makes frequent visits to the Lobby.</p>
+
+    <p>In accordance with ancient custom Sir COURTENAY ILBERT
+    asserted the right of the House to initiate legislation by
+    calling out "Outlawries Bill" in the middle of the SPEAKER's
+    recital of the Sessional Orders. Some of the new Members, I
+    fancy, took the interruption seriously, and thought that this
+    was the outcome of the "Punish the KAISER." movement.</p>
+
+    <p>The Mover and Seconder of the Address fully deserved the
+    customary compliments. Col. Sir RHYS WILLIAMS' quiet and
+    effective style explained his success as a picker-up of
+    recruits; while Lt.-Commander DEAN, V.C., though he faced the
+    House with much more trepidation than he did the batteries of
+    Zeebrugge, got well home at the finish.</p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:45%;">
+        <a href="images/145-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/145-2.png"
+             alt="SOUTH HACKNEY'S CHAMPION." /></a>SOUTH HACKNEY'S
+             CHAMPION.
+    </div>
+
+    <p>The lot of a Labour leader just now is not a happy one.
+    Perhaps that accounted for the querulous tone assumed by Mr.
+    ADAMSON, who seemed more concerned with the omissions in the
+    KING's Speech than with its contents. His best sayings were
+    imported from America, but he would have done better to content
+    himself with LINCOLN and abjure BRYAN, whose "cross-of-gold"
+    fustian will not bear repetition.</p>
+
+    <p>After Sir DONALD MACLEAN had thoughtfully provided a welcome
+    tea interval the PRIME MINISTER rose to reply to his critics.
+    The accusation that he had forgotten some of his recent
+    promises, such as "No Conscription," "Punish the Kaiser," and
+    "Germany must pay," did not trouble him much. If these
+    election-eggs had hatched out prematurely and the contents were
+    coming home to roost at an inconvenient moment he had no time
+    to attend to them. What the country most needs at the moment is
+    a firm clear statement on the Labour troubles, and that is what
+    it got. So far as those troubles are due to remediable causes
+    they shall be remedied; so far as the demands of Labour are
+    based upon class-greed they shall be fought tooth and nail.
+    There were a few dissentient shouts from the Opposition
+    Benches, but the House as a whole was delighted when the
+    PREMIER in ringing tones declared that "no section, however
+    powerful, will be allowed to hold up the whole nation."</p>
+
+    <p><i>Wednesday, February 12th</i>.&mdash;The Lords had a brisk
+    little debate on agriculture. Lord LINCOLNSHIRE paid many
+    compliments to Lord ERNLE for what he had accomplished as Mr.
+    PROTHERO, but could not understand why, having exchanged the
+    green benches for the red, he should have reversed his old
+    policy, "scrapped" the agricultural committees and begun to
+    dispose of his tractors. Lord ERNLE, in the measured tones so
+    suitable to the Upper House, made a good defence of the change.
+    The chief thing wanted now was to "clean the land," where
+    noxious weeds, the Bolshevists of the soil, had been spreading
+    with great rapidity. As for the tractors, the Board thought it
+    a good thing that the farmers should possess their own, but
+    would retain in its own hands enough of them to help farmers
+    who could not help themselves&mdash;not a large class, I
+    imagine, with produce at its present prices.</p>
+
+    <p>In the Commons an hour was spent in discussing the
+    Government's now customary motion to take all the time of the
+    House. Up got Mr. ADAMSON, to denounce it, now the War was
+    over, <span class="pagenum"><a name="page146"
+       id="page146"></a>[pg 146]</span> as sheer Kaiserism. Up got
+       Sir DONALD MACLEAN to defend it as commonsense, though he
+       induced Mr. BONAR LAW to limit its duration to the end of
+       March. Colonel WEDGWOOD pleaded that private Members might
+       still be allowed to bring in Bills under the Ten Minutes'
+       Rule; but that Parliamentary pundit, Sir F. BANBURY,
+       asserted that there was no such thing in reality as the Ten
+       Minutes' Rule, and pictured the possibility of whole days
+       being swallowed up by a succession of private Members
+       commending their legislative bantlings one after another
+       with the brief explanatory statement permitted on such
+       occasions. Alarmed at the prospect Mr. LAW decided not to
+       admit the thin end of the WEDGWOOD.</p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:45%;">
+        <a href="images/146.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/146.png"
+             alt="ELEMENTARY ECONOMICS." /></a>ELEMENTARY
+             ECONOMICS.
+    </div>
+
+    <p>The debate on the Address was resumed by Mr. BOTTOMLEY, who
+    had a large audience. During his previous membership,
+    terminated by one of those periodical visits to the Law Courts
+    to which he made humorous reference, he delivered some capital
+    speeches; and it was pleasant to find that the necessity of
+    constantly producing "another powerful article next week" has
+    not caused him to lose his oratorical form. His gestures are
+    slightly reminiscent of the action of the common pump-handle,
+    but his voice is excellent, and his matter has the merit of
+    exactly resembling what our old friend "the Man in the Street"
+    would say in less Parliamentary language, He has no
+    hesitations, for example, on the subject of making Germany pay.
+    By one of those rapid financial calculations for which he is
+    renowned he has arrived at the comfortable figure of ten
+    thousand millions sterling as Britain's little bill; and if you
+    express doubts as to the debtor's capacity to pay he replies
+    that he cannot recall any judge who made an order against him
+    ever prefacing his judgment with an inquiry whether it would be
+    convenient for him to find the money.</p>
+
+    <p>Payment in kind is Mr. RONALD McNEILL's prescription. Let
+    Leipzig library replenish the empty shelves of Louvain and the
+    windows of Cologne make good&mdash;so far as German glass can
+    do it&mdash;the shattered glories of Rheims.</p>
+
+    <p>Mr. CLYNES warned the Government against neglecting the
+    legitimate aspirations of Labour, one of which, he had the
+    courage to affirm, was access to more and better beer. He also
+    sought a clear statement of the Government's policy in Russia.
+    This request was repeated by Sir SAMUEL HOARE, who, having
+    spent a year and a half during the War in that distracted
+    country, declared that "we must decide between Bolshevists and
+    anti-Bolshevists." Unfortunately that is exactly what,
+    according to the PRIME MINISTER's reply, we cannot do. The
+    Allies are not prepared to intervene in force; they cannot
+    leave Russia to stew in Her own hell-broth. The proposed
+    Conference is admittedly a <i>pis-aller</i>; and, if it ever
+    meets, no one can feel very hopeful of a tangible result from
+    the deliberations of the Prinkipotentiaries.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Thursday, February 13th</i>.&mdash;Labour unrest produced
+    a capital debate, in which Mr. BRACE, Mr. THOMAS and Mr. SEXTON
+    made excellent speeches on the one side, and Major TRYON, Mr.
+    REMER (an employer and a profit-sharer) and Mr. BONAR LAW were
+    equally effective on the other. Brushing aside minor causes the
+    Leader of the House, in his forthright manner, said the root of
+    the matter was that "Labour wants a larger share of the good
+    things which are to be obtained in this world"&mdash;not an
+    unreasonable desire, he indicated, but one which would not be
+    permanently realised by strikes directed against the whole
+    community. Mr. SEDDON, of the National Democratic Party,
+    compressed the same argument into an epigram. If the miners'
+    full demands were conceded they would have "an El Dorado for
+    one minute and disaster the next."</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>FROST AND THAW.</h2>
+
+    <p>I was earlier than usual that morning, which was bad luck,
+    as I heard Fitz-Jones click his gate behind me and thud after
+    me in his snow-boots. Fitz-Jones and I had a little
+    disagreement, not long ago, about the sole possession of a
+    servant-maid. Since then there has been a coolness. Curiously
+    enough, the hideous frost that raged at the moment (the
+    thermometer stood at twenty-five degrees in the henhouse)
+    seemed to thaw Fitz-Jones. And I knew why.</p>
+
+    <p>Last summer Fitz-Jones had spent four torrid days with the
+    thermometer at 75 degrees, winding up his pipes in straw
+    "against" the winter. I had seen his purple face as I hammocked
+    it with an iced drink. He had seen and heard me laugh.</p>
+
+    <p>"Ah," he croaked, "you may laugh on the other side of the
+    hedge now, but you'll laugh on the other side of your face
+    later."</p>
+
+    <p>So now I knew that he was thudding after me in the snow,
+    bursting to hear that my pipes had burst or were about to
+    burst.</p>
+
+    <p>"Hallo, Browne," he began, "how'd you like this?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Oh, all right," I said airily. Here I did a wonderful step.
+    Slide on the right heel&mdash;hesitation shuffle on the left
+    toe&mdash;two half slips sideways. Wave both
+    arms&mdash;backward bend. Recover.
+    Jazz&mdash;tangle&mdash;tickle-toe was nothing to it.</p>
+
+    <p>"Slippery, isn't it?" he said. "My flannel was frozen to the
+    wash-stand to-day&mdash;had to get it off with a chisel."</p>
+
+    <p>I was prepared for these travellers' tales. I knew he was
+    leading up to water-pipes.</p>
+
+    <p>"Couldn't get my cold tub," he went on; "frozen solid
+    overnight."</p>
+
+    <p>I had heard of this cold tub before. "My tooth-brush froze
+    on to my teeth," I capped him; "the teapot spout was hung with
+    icicles, and the cat's tongue froze on to the milk when it was
+    drinking."</p>
+
+    <p>"How about your pipes?" he began, "Who was right about
+    wrapping?"</p>
+
+    <p>"Rapping," I said in well-feigned innocence&mdash;"rapping?
+    Who rapped? Rapped on what?"</p>
+
+    <p>That set him going.</p>
+
+    <p>I gathered when we reached the station there was a strike
+    on. But we found a milk-lorry travelling our way. So Smith had
+    the entire use of my right ear into which to say, "I told
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page147"
+       id="page147"></a>[pg 147]</span> you so," for an hour, while
+       we travelled to the spot on which we win our bread. He had
+       dragged from me the fact that our hot-water tap had also
+       struck. The milk cans clattered. Smith chattered. So did my
+       teeth.</p>
+
+    <p>When I got home that night our house seemed to be more
+    handsomely garnished with icicles than any other house I had
+    seen that day.</p>
+
+    <p>"Keep the home fires burning!" I said to my wife on
+    entering. "If need be, burn the banisters and the bills and my
+    boot-trees and everything else beginning with a 'b.' Keep us
+    thawed and unburst, or Fitz-Jones will feel he has scored a
+    moral victory; he will strut cross-gartered, with yellow
+    stockings, for the rest of his days."</p>
+
+    <p>"I don't know what you are talking about," said Evangeline,
+    "but Christabel and I" (Christabel is our general-in-command)
+    "have been cosseting those pipes all day. Been giving them
+    glasses of hot water and dressing them up in all our clothes.
+    The bath-pipe is wearing my new furs and your pyjamas, and I've
+    put your golf stockings on the geyser-pipe. I expect they'll
+    all blow up. Come and look at the hot-water cistern."</p>
+
+    <p>The cistern looked dressy in Evangeline's fur coat. I added
+    my silk hat to the geyser's cosy costume and a pair of boots on
+    the bath-taps. But I was told not to be silly, so took them off
+    again.</p>
+
+    <p>I suggested that the geyser should go to a fancy-dress ball
+    as "The Winter of our Discontent," but was again told not to be
+    silly.</p>
+
+    <p>Two days elapsed. The frost held. Then something happened.
+    Fitz-Jones's lady-help came round at 7.30 A.M. to borrow a drop
+    of water, as they were frozen up.</p>
+
+    <p>We lent them several drops, and I breathed again, and
+    continued to breathe, with snorts of derision.</p>
+
+    <p>Three days later the thaw came.</p>
+
+    <p>As I passed Fitz-Jones's house I was grieved to hear a
+    splashing sound. A cascade of water was spouting from his
+    bathroom window. Fitz-Jones himself was running round and round
+    the house like a madman, flourishing a water-key and trying to
+    find the tap to the main.</p>
+
+    <p>I begged him to be calm, to control himself for his wife's
+    sake, for all our sakes. I was most graceful and sympathetic
+    about it.</p>
+
+    <p>But with the thaw Fitz-Jones had frozen again.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"Civil Servant requires house."&mdash;<i>Local
+        Paper</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>On the other hand, many houses just now require a civil
+    servant.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:65%;">
+        <a href="images/147.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/147.png"
+             alt="Lady and Tramp." /></a>
+
+        <p><i>Lady</i>. "YOU COME HERE BEGGING AND SAY YOU ARE NOT
+        EXPECTED TO DO ANY MORE WORK. I NEVER HEARD OF SUCH A
+        THING."</p>
+
+        <p><i>Tramp</i>. "THEN I'VE BEEN MISINFORMED, LIDY. I
+        CERTAINLY 'EARD THAT AFTER THE WAR ENGLAND WAS GOIN' TER BE
+        A BETTER PLACE FER THE LABOURING CLASSES."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>PAST AND PRESENT.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>After</i> T. HOOD.)</h4>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I remember, I remember.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The line where I was borne,</p>
+
+            <p>The little platform where the train</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Came rushing in at morn;</p>
+
+            <p>I used to take a little seat</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Upon the little train,</p>
+
+            <p>But now before I get at it</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">It rushes out again.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I remember, I remember</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The 'buses red and white,</p>
+
+            <p>The corner where they used to stop</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And take me home at night;</p>
+
+            <p>They never gave a wink at me</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And shouted, "Full to-day,"</p>
+
+            <p>But now I often wish that one</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Would carry me away.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I remember, I remember</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The cabs we used to get,</p>
+
+            <p>The growler from the "Adam Arms"</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">(The horse is living yet);</p>
+
+            <p>My spirit was impatient then,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">That is so meek to-day,</p>
+
+            <p>And now I often think that that</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Would be the quickest way.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I remember, I remember</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The lights against the sky;</p>
+
+            <p>I used to think that London would</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Be closer by-and-by;</p>
+
+            <p>It was a childish ignorance,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">But now 'tis little joy</p>
+
+            <p>To know I'm farther from the Strand</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Than when I was a boy.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p class="author">A.P.H.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page148"
+       id="page148"></a>[pg 148]</span>
+
+    <h2>CUE TYPES.</h2>
+
+    <p>At the present moment, when the billiard professionals are
+    contesting the palm and Mr. S.H. FRY has re-captured the title
+    of amateur champion seven-and-twenty years after he first won
+    it, there is such interest in the game that a kind of <i>Guide
+    to Billiard Types</i> cannot but be of value. Hence the
+    following classification of players who are to be met with in
+    clubs, country-houses or saloons by any ordinary wielders of
+    the cue. Any reader who has ever endeavoured to master what may
+    be called (by way of inversion) the Three Balls Art has power
+    to add to their number.</p>
+
+    <p>The player who, as he drops behind in the game, says so
+    often that it is months since h" touched a cue that your
+    success is robbed of all savour.</p>
+
+    <p>The player who is funny and calls the red the Cherry, the
+    Robin, the Cardinal or the Lobster.</p>
+
+    <p>The player who comes to the game as to a solemn ritual and
+    neither smiles nor speaks.</p>
+
+    <p>The player who keeps on changing his cue and blames each one
+    in turn for his own ineptitude.</p>
+
+    <p>The player who can use his left hand as well as his right: a
+    man to be avoided.</p>
+
+    <p>The player who whistles while he plays. This is a very
+    deadly companion.</p>
+
+    <p>The player who never has a good word for his opponent's
+    efforts.</p>
+
+    <p>The player who congratulates you on every stroke: a charming
+    antagonist.</p>
+
+    <p>The player who is always jolly whatever buffets he receives
+    from fortune.</p>
+
+    <p>The player who talks about every one of his strokes.</p>
+
+    <p>The player who swears at most of them.</p>
+
+    <p>The player who doubts the accuracy of your scoring. Avoid
+    this one.</p>
+
+    <p>The player who hits everything too hard. This is a very
+    exasperating man to meet because fortune usually favours him.
+    Either he flukes immoderately or he does not leave well. He is
+    usually a hearty fellow with no sense of shame. Perhaps he says
+    "Sorry;" but he adds, "It must have been on."</p>
+
+    <p>The player who hits everything too gently: the lamb as
+    compared with the previous type, who is a lion. The lamb is
+    good to play with if you prefer winning to a real contest.</p>
+
+    <p>The player who groans loudly when you make a fluke.</p>
+
+    <p>The player who is accustomed to play on a much faster table
+    than this.</p>
+
+    <p>The player who calls the game Pills.</p>
+
+    <p>The player who calls it Tuskers.</p>
+
+    <p>The player who counts your breaks for you, but whether from
+    interest or suspicion you are not sure.</p>
+
+    <p>The player who pots the white when he should and says
+    nothing about it.</p>
+
+    <p>The player who pots the white when he should, with a
+    thousand apologies.</p>
+
+    <p>The player who pots the white when he shouldn't, with a
+    thousand apologies.</p>
+
+    <p>The player who is snappy with the marker.</p>
+
+    <p>The player who drops cigar ash on the cloth.</p>
+
+    <p>The player who hates to lose.</p>
+
+    <p>The player who would much rather that you won. This type is
+    a joy to play with, unless towards the end he too patently
+    ceases to try.</p>
+
+    <p>The player who, after the stroke, tells you what you ought
+    to have done.</p>
+
+    <p>The player who talks to the balls, particularly to the red.
+    "Now then, red," he says, "don't go into baulk;" or, "Stop just
+    by that pocket;" or "White, don't go down."</p>
+
+    <p>The player who has just come from a spectacular match and
+    keeps on trying to reproduce that shot of STEVENSON's.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:60%;">
+        <a href="images/148.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/148.png"
+             alt="Ministry Official and Infatuated Office Boy." />
+             </a>
+
+        <p><i>Ministry Official</i>. "NO NEED TO SCREEN THE LIGHTS
+        <i>NOW</i>, MY BOY. D'YOU THINK THE WAR'S STILL ON?"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Infatuated Office Boy</i>. "I WAS JUST TRYING TO MAKE
+        MISS JENKINS A BIT OF TOAST, SIR."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"In a licensing prosecution at &mdash;&mdash; yesterday
+        it was stated that one shilling was charged for a 'drop' of
+        whisky of about one-sixth of a gallon."&mdash;<i>Daily
+        Paper</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>In the interests of temperance we have suppressed the name
+    of the town at which this bargain was secured.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>CONTRACTS.</h2>
+
+    <p>It was shortly after the commencement of the March offensive
+    that it was decided to open new munition works in Glenwhinnie,
+    N.B. The contract for building was offered to the well-known
+    firm of McTavish, McTurk &amp; McThom, of Auchterinver.</p>
+
+    <p>They accepted. With thanks.</p>
+
+    <p>And so it came about that, early in April, Glenwhinnie, N.B.
+    became the scene of great activity. Men bearing strange
+    instruments came and took extensive measurements; large bodies
+    of gentlemen in corduroys, armed with powerful implements
+    indicative of toil, arrived and smoked clay pipes; a special
+    light railway was rapidly constructed, and bore colossal cranes
+    and more gentlemen with clay pipes to the scene of action. And
+    Mr. McTurk went in person to open the proceedings.</p>
+
+    <p>In a speech pulsating with patriotism, Mr. McTurk exhorted
+    his men to do their best for their King and country, and show
+    everybody what the firm of McTavish, McTurk &amp; McThom could
+    do. He then departed, leaving things in the hands of a dozen
+    subordinates well tried and true ...</p>
+
+    <p>And so by the early days of June the work began ...</p>
+
+    <p>Came November 11th ...</p>
+
+    <p>November 20th it was decided that the new works in
+    Glenwhinnie, N.B., would not be necessary after all.</p>
+
+    <p>What was to be done?</p>
+
+    <p>A special committee decided that the buildings should be
+    demolished, and the contract was offered to the well-known firm
+    of McClusky, McCleery &amp; McClumpha, of Auchtermuchty.</p>
+
+    <p>They accepted. With thanks.</p>
+
+    <p>And so it came about that a second army of occupation
+    descended upon Glenwhinnie, N.B. Fresh bodies of gentlemen in
+    corduroys and armed with a rather different set of powerful
+    implements arrived, and smoked clay pipes. Another light
+    railway was rapidly constructed, and Mr. McCleery went in
+    person to open the proceedings. In a speech full of fervour
+    ...</p>
+
+    <p>And so by early January the work commenced.</p>
+
+    <p>By this time Messrs. McTavish and Co. had got the buildings
+    well in hand. What was to be done? Leave
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page149"
+       id="page149"></a>[pg 149]</span> their work uncompleted?
+       Never! As Mr. McThom pointed out with considerable emotion
+       to his partners, a contract was a contract all the world
+       over.</p>
+
+    <p>If it ever came to be said that any firm he was interested
+    in had failed to fulfil a contract, he for one (Angus McThom)
+    would never hold up his head. The contract must be completed.
+    It was a sacred duty. Besides&mdash;a minor point&mdash;what
+    about payment?</p>
+
+    <p>So Mr. McTurk was despatched to Glenwhinnie, N.B., where in
+    a speech of great power he pointed out the path of duty.</p>
+
+    <p>Amid scenes of enthusiasm the work went on apace.</p>
+
+    <p>And at the other end the well-known firm of McClusky,
+    McCleery &amp; McClumpha tore down the buildings with equal
+    enthusiasm.</p>
+
+    <p>And that is the state of affairs just now in Glenwhinnie,
+    N.B. What will happen when&mdash;as they are bound to
+    do&mdash;the wreckers overtake the builders is a matter for
+    speculation. Mr. McTurk may make another speech. Possibly Mr.
+    McCleery may also exhort. There is promise of a delicate
+    situation.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/149.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/149.png"
+             alt="Interview of Prospective Maid." /></a>
+
+        <p>"AND ARE YOU A GOOD NEEDLEWOMAN AND RENOVATOR, AND
+        WILLING TO BE USEFUL?"</p>
+
+        <p>"MADAM, I AM AFRAID THERE IS SOME MISUNDERSTANDING. I AM
+        A LADY'S MAID&mdash;NOT A USEFUL MAID."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>THE STOICS OF THE SERPENTINE.</h2>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p class="i2">I, for my part, admire</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The snug domestic fire,</p>
+
+            <p>The comfortable hearth, the glowing coals,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Nor in the least aspire</p>
+
+            <p>To emulate those strong heroic souls</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Who get up while it's dark</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And haste to chill ablutions in Hyde
+            Park.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p class="i2">It can't be very nice</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To break the solid ice</p>
+
+            <p>And, like a walrus, plunge into the deep;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Then jump out in a trice,</p>
+
+            <p>Dissevering the icicles as you leap,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Even though the after-glow</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of virtue melts the circumjacent
+            snow.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p class="i2">And we of milder mould,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And we who're growing old,</p>
+
+            <p>Wish they would wash, like other folk,
+            elsewhere;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">It makes us feel quite cold</p>
+
+            <p>To think of them refrigerating there;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">We shiver in our beds;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Our pitying molars chatter in our
+            heads.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h4>"THE DOVER PATROL.</h4>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>VINDICTIVE MEN AS PROGRAMME
+        SELLERS."&mdash;<i>Times</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>After what men have suffered from the flag-day sex, no
+    wonder they get vindictive when they have a chance of
+    retaliation.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"The causes of the engineers' strike in London are a
+        little obscure, but the stoppage of the ten minutes allowed
+        for tea before the 47-hour day was introduced brought the
+        men out from one motor works."&mdash;<i>Provincial
+        Paper</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>The great objection to a day of this length is that it gives
+    so little scope for overtime.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"The Association for the Betterment of the Highlands and
+        Islands of the Free Church of Scotland have prepared and
+        presented to the Secretary for Scotland a memorandum on the
+        reconstruction of the Highlands."&mdash;<i>Scots
+        Paper</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>We have always thought that judicious thinning of the more
+    congested views would help the tourist.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"The men who had watched the daily search set up a
+        cheer, ffi&mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash;fl."&mdash;<i>Sunday
+        Paper</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>We hope the cheer was more hearty than it appears at first
+    sight.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page150"
+       id="page150"></a>[pg 150]</span>
+
+    <h2>A CONSULTATION.</h2>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p><i>Persons of the dialogue</i>: Arthur Pillwell, M.D.,
+        <i>a fashionable physician;</i> Henry Swallow, <i>a
+        patient. The scene is laid in</i> Dr. Pillwell's
+        <i>consulting-room&mdash;a solid room, heavily furnished. A
+        large writing-table occupies the centre of the scene. There
+        are a few prints on the walls; two bookcases are solidly
+        filled with medical books.</i> Dr. Pillwell <i>is seated at
+        the writing-table. He rises to greet his patient.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Dr. P.</i> Good morning, Mr. &mdash;&mdash; (<i>He looks
+    furtively at a notebook lying open on the table</i>)
+    Mr.&mdash;ah&mdash;Swallow.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. S.</i> (<i>thinking to himself: Ought I to call this
+    Johnnie "Doctor," or not? I'm told they're very particular
+    about a thing like that. Like a fool, I never gave it a
+    thought. Still, I can't go so very far wrong if I call him
+    "Doctor." Besides, he's got to be called "Doctor" whether he
+    likes it or not. Here goes.</i>) (<i>Aloud</i>) Good morning,
+    Dr. Pillwell. I've been troubled with some symptoms which I
+    can't quite make out. I think I described them in my letter.
+    (<i>To himself: They made several doctors Knights of the
+    British Empire, and I'm almost certain Pillwell was one of
+    them. Sir John Pillwell. Yes, it sounds all right; but I shan't
+    call him "Sir John" because if he isn't a knight he might think
+    I was trying to make fun of him and then he might retaliate by
+    calling me "Sir Henry," and I should hate that</i>).
+    (<i>Aloud</i>) The chief symptoms are a steady loss of appetite
+    and a disinclination to work. I was recommended to consult you
+    by my friend, Mr. Bolter, as I think I explained in my
+    letter.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Dr. P.</i> It's curious how prevalent these symptoms are
+    at the present moment. I think, if you don't mind, I will begin
+    by taking your temperature.</p>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>Produces clinical thermometer and gives it three
+        good jerks.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. S.</i> (<i>to himself: There&mdash;I knew he'd want
+    to put one of those infernal machines in my mouth. I simply
+    loathe the feeling of them, and I'm always on the verge of
+    crunching them up. Perhaps I ought to warn him.</i>)
+    (<i>Aloud</i>) I'm afraid I'm not much good as a thermometer
+    man.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Dr. P.</i> Oh, it's a mere trifle. All you've got to do
+    is just to hold it under your tongue. There&mdash;it's in.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. S.</i> (<i>talking with difficulty</i>). Ish i' in 'e
+    ri' plashe?</p>
+
+    <p><i>Dr. P.</i> Yes. But don't try to talk while it's in your
+    mouth. I've had patients who've bitten it in two.
+    There&mdash;that's enough. (<i>Extracts it deftly from
+    patient's mouth and examines it.</i>) Hum, hum, yes. A point
+    below normal. Nothing violently wrong <i>there</i>. (<i>He now
+    performs the usual rites and mysteries.</i>) I'll make you out
+    a little prescription which ought to put you all right. And if
+    you can spare a week, and spend it at Eastbourne, I don't think
+    it will do you any harm.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. S.</i> (<i>To himself: I like this man. He doesn't
+    waste any time. It's a curious coincidence that I should have
+    been thinking this very morning of arranging a visit to the
+    seaside. Now of course I've absolutely got to go. Can't disobey
+    my new doctor, and wouldn't if I could. By Jove, I'd all but
+    forgotten about the two guineas fee. Yes, the cheque's in my
+    breast-pocket. Two guineas for the first visit. The rule is not
+    to give it too openly, but to slip it on to a desk or table as
+    if you were half ashamed of it. Where shall I put it so as to
+    make sure he spots it out of the corner of his eye? Ha! on the
+    blotting-pad, which I can just reach. Does it with his left
+    hand, and feels a man once more.</i>)</p>
+
+    <p><i>Dr. P.</i> And here's your prescription.</p>
+
+    <p><i>Mr. S.</i> Thank you a thousand times. (<i>To himself:
+    He's edging up to the blotting-pad, and he'll have the cheque
+    in another second.</i>)</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>TO A CHINESE COOLIE.</h2>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>O happy Chink! When I behold thy face,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Illumined with the all-embracing
+            smile</p>
+
+            <p>Peculiar to thy celestial race,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">So full of mirth and yet so free from
+            guile,</p>
+
+            <p>I stand amazed and let my fancy roam,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And ask myself by what mysterious
+            lure</p>
+
+            <p>Thou wert induced to leave thy flowery home</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">For Flanders, where, alas! the flowers
+            are fewer.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Oft have I marked thee on the Calais quay,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Unloading ships of plum-and-apple
+            jam,</p>
+
+            <p>Or beef, or, three times weekly, M. and V.,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And sometimes bacon (very rarely
+            ham);</p>
+
+            <p>Or, where St. Quentin towers above the plain,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Have seen thee scan the awful scene and
+            sigh,</p>
+
+            <p>Pick up a spade, then put it down again</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And wipe a furtive tear-drop from thine
+            eye.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>And many a Sabbath have I seen thee stride</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">With stately step across the Merville
+            Square,</p>
+
+            <p>Beaming with pleasure, full of conscious pride,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Breaking the hearts of all the <i>jeunes
+            filles</i> there;</p>
+
+            <p>A bowler hat athwart thy stubborn locks</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And round thy neck a tie of brilliant
+            blue,</p>
+
+            <p>Thy legs in football shorts, thy feet in socks</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of silken texture and vermilion hue.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Impassive Chu (or should I call thee "Chow"?),</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Say, what hast thou to do with all this
+            fuss,</p>
+
+            <p>The ceaseless hurry and the beastly row,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The buzzing plane and roaring
+            motor-bus,</p>
+
+            <p>While far away the sullen Hwang-ho rolls</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">His lazy waters to the Eastern Sea,</p>
+
+            <p>And sleepy mandarins sit on bamboo poles</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Imbibing countless cups of China tea?</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>A year ago thou digged'st in feverish haste</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Against the whelming onset of the Hun</p>
+
+            <p>A hundred miles of trench across the
+            waste&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">A year ago&mdash;and now the War is
+            won;</p>
+
+            <p>But thou remainest still with pick and spade,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Celestial delver, patient son of
+            toil!</p>
+
+            <p>To fill the trenches thou thyself hast made</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And roll the twisted wire in even
+            coil.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>But not for thee the glory and the praise,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The medals or the fat gratuity;</p>
+
+            <p>No man shall crown thee with a wreath of bays</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Or recommend thee for the O.B.E.;</p>
+
+            <p>And thou, methinks, wouldst rather have it so,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Provided that, without undue delay,</p>
+
+            <p>They let thee take thy scanty wage and go</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Back to thy sunny home in Old Cathay;</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Where never falls a shell nor bursts a bomb,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Nor ever blows the slightest whiff of
+            gas,</p>
+
+            <p>Such as was not infrequent in the Somme,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">But on thy breast shall lean some
+            slant-eyed lass;</p>
+
+            <p>And she shall listen to thy converse ripe</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And search for souvenirs among thy
+            kit,</p>
+
+            <p>Pass thee thy slippers and thy opium pipe</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And make thee glad that thou hast done
+            thy bit.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h4>"SELF MADE MAN</h4>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>Young widwep lady intelligent, wealthy wishing to
+        remarie, wishes to make acquaintance in a Swiss Sportplace
+        with a well situated english or american gentleman.
+        Preference is given to a businessman, self made, with fine
+        caracter aged 35-45 handsome as the lady is it
+        too."&mdash;<i>Swiss Paper</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>We foresee a rush of profiteers to the Alps.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page151"
+       id="page151"></a>[pg 151]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/151.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/151.png"
+             alt="Sportsman and Guide." /></a>
+
+        <p><i>Sportsman</i>. "THEY DON'T SEEM VERY ANXIOUS TO HUNT
+        TO-DAY, TOM."</p>
+
+        <p><i>Tom</i> (<i>exasperated by a bad scenting day</i>).
+        "POOR THINGS, THEY'VE ALMOST FORGOT HOW TO; THEY'VE BEEN SO
+        BUSY GETTIN' OUT OF THE WAY OF YOU YOUNG OFFICER GENTS
+        SINCE YOU CAME 'OME."</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <p>Finding <i>Midas and Son</i> (METHUEN) described on the
+    wrapper as a tale of "the struggle of a young man and his
+    immense riches," I said to myself (rather like <i>Triplet</i>
+    in the play) that here was a struggle at which it would greatly
+    hearten me to assist. As a fact, however, the conflict proved
+    to be somewhat postponed; it took Mr. STEPHEN McKENNA more than
+    two hundred pages to get the seconds out of the ring and leave
+    his hero, <i>Deryk</i>, face to face with an income of
+    something over a million a year. Before this happened the youth
+    had become engaged to a girl, been thrown over by her,
+    experienced the wiles of Circe and gone in more or less vaguely
+    for journalism. Then came the income and the question what to
+    do with it. Of course he didn't know how to use it to the best
+    advantage; it is universal experience that other people never
+    do. But <i>Deryk</i> impressed me as more than commonly lacking
+    in resource. All he could think of was to finance and share in
+    an archæological venture (rather fun), and to purchase a Pall
+    Mall club-house&mdash;apparently the R.A.C.&mdash;and do it up
+    as a London abode for himself and his old furniture. Also for
+    his wife, as fortune had now flung him again into the arms of
+    his early love. But it is just here that the subtle and
+    slightly cruel cleverness of Mr. McKENNA's scheme becomes
+    manifest. The million-a-year had been at work on <i>Deryk</i>;
+    it had slain his capacity for romance. In plain words, he found
+    that he cared more for his furniture than for his
+    <i>fiancée</i>, whose adoration soon bored him to shrieking
+    point. So there you are. I shall not betray the author's
+    solution of his own problem. I don't think he has proved his
+    somewhat obvious point as to the peril of great possessions.
+    <i>Deryk</i> was hardly a quite normal subject, and
+    <i>Idina</i> (the girl) was a little fool who would have
+    irritated a crossing-sweeper. But what he certainly has done is
+    to provide some scenes of pre-war London not unworthy to be
+    companion pictures to those in <i>Sonia</i>; and this, I fancy,
+    will be good enough for most readers.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Its publishers call <i>The Pot Boils</i> (CONSTABLE) a
+    "provocative" book, and certainly the title at least deserves
+    this epithet. But I decline to be drawn into the obvious
+    retort. Besides, with all its faults, the story exhibits an
+    almost flaunting disregard of those qualities that make the
+    best seller. About the author I am prepared to wager, first,
+    that "STORM JAMESON" is a disguise; secondly, that the
+    personality behind it is feminine. I have hinted that the tale
+    is hardly likely to gain universal popularity; let me add that
+    certain persons, notably very young Socialists and experts in
+    Labour journalism, may find it of absorbing interest. It is a
+    young book, almost exclusively about young people, written (or
+    I mistake) by a youthful hand. These striplings and maidens are
+    all poor, mostly vain, and without exception fulfilled of a
+    devastating verbosity. We meet them first at a "Northern
+    University," talking, reforming the earth, kissing, and again
+    talking&mdash;about the kisses. Thence they and the tale move
+    to London, and the same process is repeated. It is all rather
+    depressingly narrow in outlook; though within these limits
+    there are interesting and even amusing scenes. Also the author
+    displays now and again a happy dexterity of phrase (I remember
+    one instance&mdash;about "web-footed Socialists ... dividing
+    and sub-dividing into committees, like
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page152"
+       id="page152"></a>[pg 152]</span> worms cut by a spade"),
+       which encourages me to hope that she will do better things
+       with a scheme of wider appeal. But to the general,
+       especially the middle-aged general, the contents of her
+       present <i>Pot</i> will, I fear, be only caviare.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Little <i>Sara Lee Kennedy</i>, betrothed to one of those
+    alert grim-jawed young Americans one sees in the advertising
+    pages of <i>The Ladies' Home Journal</i>, learns of the
+    suffering in Belgium at the beginning of the great War and
+    finds she must do something about it. She can cook, so she will
+    go and make soup for KING ALBERT's men. She takes her young
+    man's photograph and his surly disapproval; also a few dollars
+    hastily collected from her obscure township in Pa.; and becomes
+    the good angel of a shattered sector of the Belgian line. And
+    she finds in <i>The Amazing Interlude</i> (MURRAY) her
+    prince&mdash;a real prince&mdash;in the Secret Service, and,
+    after the usual reluctances and brave play (made for the sake
+    of deferring the inevitable) with the photograph of the old
+    love, is at last gloriously on with the new. It is a very
+    charming love-story, and MARY ROBERTS RINEHART makes a much
+    better thing of the alarms and excursions of war than you would
+    think. It was no good, I found, being superior about it and
+    muttering "Sentiment" when you had to blink away the unbidden
+    tear lest your fireside partner should find you out. So let me
+    commend to you this idealised vision of a corner of the great
+    War seen through the eyes of an American woman of vivid
+    sympathies.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p><i>Rovers of the Night Sky</i> (CASSELL) is for more reasons
+    than one a welcome addition to my rapidly bulging collection of
+    books about flying. "NIGHT HAWK, M.C.," was in the
+    Infantry&mdash;what he calls a "Gravel-Cruncher"&mdash;before
+    he took to the air, and by no means the least interesting part
+    of his sketches is the way in which he explains the
+    co-operation which existed between the fliers and the men
+    fighting on the ground. And his delight when a bombing
+    expedition was successful in giving instant assistance to the
+    Infantry is frequently shown. After his training in England
+    "NIGHT HAWK" was attached as an observer to a night-flying
+    squadron in France, and he tells us of his adventures with no
+    sense of self-importance but with an honest appreciation of
+    their value to the general scheme of operations. He has also a
+    keen eye for the humours of life, and can make his jest with
+    most admirable brevity. "Doubtless," he says in a foreword,
+    "the whole world will fly before many years have passed, but
+    for the moment most people have to be content to read about
+    it." I am one of them, and he has added to my contentment.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>My studies of recent fiction induce the belief that modern
+    Wales may be divided into two parts, in one of which the
+    inhabitants call each other <i>Bach</i> and follow a code of
+    morals that I simply will not stoop to characterise; while the
+    other is at once more Saxon in idiom and considerably more
+    melodramatic in its happenings. It is to the latter province
+    that I must assign <i>A Little Welsh Girl</i> (HODDER AND
+    STOUGHTON), the Romance, with a big R, of <i>Dylis Morgan</i>,
+    who pushed an unappreciated suitor over a precipice and came to
+    London to make her fortune in revue. Really the suitor didn't
+    go all the way down the precipice; but as, by the time he
+    recovered, <i>Dylis</i>, disguised, had fled for England, he
+    was promptly arrested for her murder, and as <i>Dylis</i>
+    thought she had murdered him there was presently so much
+    confusion (increased for me by the hopelessly unpronounceable
+    names of a large cast) that I found it increasingly hard to
+    keep the affair in hand. As for <i>Dylis's</i> theatrical
+    career&mdash;well, you know how these things are managed in
+    fiction; for my part I was left wondering whether Mr. HOWEL
+    EVANS' pictures of Wales were as romantically conceived as his
+    conception of a West-End theatre. Though of course we all know
+    that Welsh people do sometimes make even more sensational
+    triumphs in the Metropolis; just possible indeed that this fact
+    may have some bearing on the recent flood of Cambrian fiction.
+    Certainly, if <i>A Little Welsh Girl</i> achieves success on
+    the strength of Mr. LLOYD GEORGE's triumph, she may thank her
+    luck, for I have my doubts whether she could manage it
+    unassisted.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Of <i>Ladies Must Live</i> (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) one may
+    say, in the first place, that it is fortunately unnecessary as
+    well as unusual for the bulk of them to live in the scalp and
+    tomahawk atmosphere that distinguishes the sexual and social
+    rivalry of <i>Christine Fennimer</i> and <i>Nancy Almar</i>,
+    the two beautiful American Society dames whose duel for the
+    affections of the eligible hero form the plot, the whole plot
+    and nothing but the plot of Miss ALICE DUER MILLER's latest
+    book. Nature red in tooth and claw has not mothered
+    them&mdash;they are too well-bred for that; they simply bite
+    with their tongues. <i>Mrs. Almar</i>, who is married and
+    purely piratical, comes off worst in the encounter, and the
+    more artful <i>Christine</i>, ultimately falling in love with
+    the object of her artifices, becomes human enough to marry him,
+    despite his lapse from financial eligibility. The plot is a
+    thin one, but smoothly and brightly unfolded. Unhappily Miss
+    MILLER lacks the gift of delicate satire and the sense of
+    humour that the society novel above all others seems to
+    require. With a lighter and less matter-of-fact treatment one
+    would accept more easily the overdrawing of her rather
+    impossible felines.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:70%;">
+        <a href="images/152.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/152.png"
+             alt="Man in the Air. 'ANOTHER OF THESE BEASTLY PIVOTAL MEN!'" />
+        </a><i>Man in the Air</i>. "ANOTHER OF THESE BEASTLY
+        PIVOTAL MEN!"
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"Sir Charles Sykes, Director of Wood Production, has
+        conferred with representatives of each section of the
+        tailoring trade, with a view to simplifying the regulations
+        and making possible a larger output of Standard
+        suits."&mdash;<i>Daily Paper</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>We look forward to the part that this new clothing will play
+    in the general scheme of afforestation.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>"A lady visiting the town complained that she went to a
+        licensed house and asked to be served with tea. She alleged
+        that the licensee was very rude to her, and refused to
+        grant her request. He [the Superintendent of Police]
+        desired to point out to license holders that they were
+        bound to provide proper accommodation and refreshment for
+        man and beast."&mdash;<i>West-Country Paper</i>.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <p>And we desire to point out to the Superintendent that that
+    is not the proper way to refer to a lady.</p>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+156, Feb. 19, 1919, by Various
+
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+</pre>
+
+</body>
+</html>
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156,
+Feb. 19, 1919, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156, Feb. 19, 1919
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: November 24, 2004 [EBook #14146]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 156.
+
+
+
+February 19, 1919.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+The report that demobilisation will be completed by March 31st is now
+officially denied. There would appear to be something in the rumour
+that the Demobilisation Staff have expressed the hope of dying in
+harness.
+
+       ***
+
+It is stated that Woolwich Arsenal is preparing to manufacture
+ice-cream freezers. People are wondering if it was the weather that
+gave them this happy thought.
+
+       ***
+
+The German ex-Crown Prince is so determined that the Allies shall not
+place him on trial that he now threatens to commit suicide or die in
+the attempt.
+
+       ***
+
+"There are things we want to get rid of," says "BACK BENCHER" in _The
+Daily Mail_. The rumour that Sir FREDERICK BANBURY, M.P., has already
+demanded an apology is unconfirmed.
+
+       ***
+
+Soldier-golfers, says a sporting writer, are already urging the
+introduction of fresh features into the game. A new method of
+addressing the ball, introduced from Mesopotamia, is said to be most
+efficacious.
+
+       ***
+
+With reference to the North of England man who has decided not
+to strike, we now learn that he happens to be out of work just at
+present.
+
+       ***
+
+ISAAC DENBIGH, of Chicago, is, we are told, one-hundred-and-thirteen
+years of age. He must try again. We expect better things than this
+from America.
+
+       ***
+
+Statesmen, says Sir WILLIAM ORPEN, A.R.A., are poor sitters. The
+impulse to rush out and cackle has probably something to do with it.
+
+       ***
+
+It is said that a soldier in the Lancashire Fusiliers decided, on
+being demobilised, to accept a standard civilian suit instead of the
+usual gratuity. The Sergeant-Major in charge of the case lies in a
+critical condition.
+
+       ***
+
+Sand-gleaners at Ramsgate are making money from bags of sugar washed
+ashore. This answers the oft-propounded question, "How do grocers
+spend their week-ends?"
+
+       ***
+
+Another hold-up by American soldiers has occurred in Liverpool. In
+view of the magnitude of our debt to the United States it is felt
+that this method of collecting it in instalments is bound to prove
+unsatisfactory.
+
+       ***
+
+"Humour and love," says a contemporary, "are what will pay the average
+writer best at the moment." It is not known whether Labour or the
+Peace Conference has done most to send up the price of these luxuries.
+
+       ***
+
+Officials of the Waiters' Union are perturbed over the rumour that
+restaurant _habitues_ are preparing to strike in favour of a fifty per
+cent. reduction in tips.
+
+       ***
+
+Several of our leading magistrates declare that unless some High
+Court judge asks, "What is beer?" they will be compelled to do it
+themselves.
+
+       ***
+
+A St. Bernard dog belonging to a New York hotel-keeper perished after
+swallowing a bundle of dollar notes. It is said that the deceased died
+worth sixty-five pounds.
+
+       ***
+
+One explanation for the many daylight robberies committed recently in
+London is that several of our better-class burglars object to breaking
+into people's houses like thieves in the night.
+
+       ***
+
+Because a Highgate lodger refused to pay his rent, the landlady wrote
+asking his wife to come and fetch him away. If he is not claimed in
+three days he will be sold to defray expenses.
+
+       ***
+
+Only a person with a perfectly healthy skin, says a contemporary, can
+afford to face the keen winds without taking precaution. If you have
+any doubts about your skin the best thing is to leave it at home on
+the hat-rack.
+
+       ***
+
+At a football match at South Hindley last week the referee was struck
+in the mouth and severely injured by one of the backs, after ordering
+three other players off the field for fighting. This, we understand,
+was one of the first fixtures to be brought off under the auspices of
+the Brighter Football League.
+
+       ***
+
+The L.C.C. are said to be formulating a plan to meet the rush for
+trains on the Underground. Personally we always try to avoid it.
+
+       ***
+
+A medical journal refers to a new method of raising blisters by
+hypnotic suggestion. This is said to be an improvement on the old East
+End system of developing black eyes by back-answering.
+
+       ***
+
+A defendant told the Tower Bridge magistrate that he only took whisky
+when he had a cold. It must be hard work for him to resist sitting by
+an open window this weather.
+
+       ***
+
+A gold vase, said to have been stolen from Assyria 2478 years ago,
+has just been found in a sarcophagus at Cairo. We understand that the
+local police have been instructed to take action.
+
+       ***
+
+The typist who, as reported in these columns last week, fell out of a
+moving train on the Isle of Wight Railway and had quite a lot to say
+to the guard when she overtook the train, is now understood to have
+been told she could keep on walking if she liked. However, as her
+people were not expecting her until the train arrived, she again
+entered the carriage from which she had fallen.
+
+       ***
+
+Russian soldiers are now permitted to smoke in the streets and to
+travel in railway carriages. Later on it is hoped that the privilege
+of dying a natural death may be extended to them.
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _House-agent's Clerk_ (_to gentleman hunting for
+a flat_). "NOW THEN, BE OFF WITH YOU. WE NEVER BUY ANYTHING FROM
+ITINERANTS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CAM OFFENSIVE.
+
+  Once more on Barnwell's fetid ooze,
+    Neglected these long years of slaughter,
+  In stolid tubs the Lenten crews
+    Go forth to flog the same old water.
+
+  Fresh from the Somme's resilient phase,
+    From Flanders slime and bomb-proof burrows,
+  Much as we did in ancient days
+    They smite the Cam's repellent furrows.
+
+  Their coaches sit the old, old gees,
+    But with a manner something larger,
+  As warriors who between their knees
+    Have learned to steer the bounding charger.
+
+  Unchanged their language, rude and firm,
+    Save where a khaki note is sounded,
+  And here and there a towpath term
+    With military tags confounded.
+
+  "Get forward! Are you ready? Quick--
+    March!" "Get a move on! Keep it breezy!"
+  "Two, mind the step!" "Swing out and kick!"
+    "Halt! Sit at--ease! Ground--oars! Sit easy!"
+
+  "The dressing's bad all down the line."
+    "Eyes on your front rank's shoulders, Seven!
+  Don't watch the Cam--it's not the Rhine--
+    Or gaze for Gothas up in heaven!"
+
+  "I want to hear your rowlocks ring
+    Like a good volley, all together."
+  "Hands up (or 'Kamerad') as you swing
+    Straight from the hips. Don't sky your feather,
+
+  As if I'd given the word, 'High Port'!"
+    "Five, I admit your martial charms, Sir,
+  But now you're on a rowing-thwart,
+    So use your legs and not your arms, Sir!"
+
+  "Six, you've a rotten seat, my son;
+    Don't trust your stirrups; grip the saddle!"
+  "Squad--properly at ease! Squad--'shun!
+    Get forward! By the centre--paddle!"
+
+O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CAST.
+
+The auctioneer glanced at his book. "Number 29," he said, "black mare,
+aged, blind in near eye, otherwise sound."
+
+The cold rain and the biting north-east wind did not add to the
+appearance of Number 29, as she stood, dejected, listless, with head
+drooping, in the centre of the farmers and horse-dealers who were
+attending the sale of cast Army horses. She looked as though she
+realised that her day had waned, and that the bright steel work, the
+soft well-greased leather, the snowy head-rope and the shining curb
+were to be put aside for less noble trappings.
+
+She had a curiously shaped white blaze, and I think it was that, added
+to the description of her blindness, which stirred my memory within
+me. I closed my eyes for a second and it all came back to me, the
+gun stuck in the mud, the men straining at the wheels, the shells
+bursting, the reek of high explosive, the two leaders lying dead on
+the road, and, above all, two gallant horses doing the work of four
+and pulling till you'd think their hearts would burst.
+
+I stepped forward and, looking closer at the mare's neck, found what
+I had expected, a great scar. That settled it. I approached the
+auctioneer and asked permission to speak to the crowd for a few
+moments.
+
+"Well," said he, "I'm supposed to do the talking here, you know."
+
+"It won't do you any harm," I pleaded, "and it will give me a chance
+to pay off a big debt."
+
+"Right," he said, smiling; "carry on."
+
+"Gentlemen," I said, "about this time a year ago I was commanding a
+battery in France. It was during the bad days, and we were falling
+back with the Hun pressing hard upon us. My guns had been firing all
+the morning from a sunken road, when we got orders to limber up and
+get back to a rear position. We hadn't had a bad time till then, a few
+odd shells, but nothing that was meant especially for our benefit.
+And then, just as we were getting away, they spotted us, and a battery
+opened on us good and strong. By a mixture of good luck and great
+effort we'd got all the guns away but one, when a shell landed just
+in front of the leaders and knocked them both out with their driver;
+at the same time the gun was jerked off the road into a muddy ditch.
+Almost simultaneously another shell killed one of the wheelers, and
+there we were with one horse left to get the gun out of the ditch and
+along a road that was almost as bad as the ditch itself.
+
+"It looked hopeless, and it was on the tip of my tongue to give orders
+to abandon the gun, when suddenly out of the blue there appeared on
+the bank above us a horse, looking unconcernedly down at us.
+
+"In those days loose horses were straying all over the country, and
+I took this to be one from another battery which had come to us for
+company.
+
+"I turned to one of the men. 'Catch that mare quick.'
+
+"In a few minutes we had the harness off the dead wheeler and on the
+new-comer. Pull? Gentlemen, if you could have seen those two horses
+pull!
+
+"We'd just got a move on the gun when another shell came and seemed
+to burst right on top of the strange mare. I heard a terrified squeal,
+and through the smoke I saw her stagger and with a mighty effort
+recover herself. I ran round and saw she'd been badly hit over the eye
+and had a great tearing gash in the neck. We never thought she could
+go on, but she pulled away just the same, with the blood pouring off
+her, till finally we got the gun out and down the road to safety.
+
+"I got knocked out a few minutes later, and from that day to this I've
+often wondered what had happened to the mare that had served us so
+gallantly. I know now. There she stands before you. I'd know her out
+of a thousand by the white blaze; and if there was a doubt there's her
+blind eye and the scar on her neck.
+
+"That's all, gentlemen; but I'm going to ask the man who buys her to
+remember her story and to see that her last days are not too hard."
+
+She fell at a good price to a splendid type of West Country farmer,
+and the auctioneer whispered to me, "I'm glad old Carey's got her.
+There's not a man in the county keeps his horses better."
+
+"Old Carey" came up to me as we were moving off. "I had a son in
+France," he said, "in the gunners, too, but he hadn't the luck of the
+old mare"--he hesitated a moment and his old eyes looked steadily into
+mine--"for he'll never come back. The mare'll be all right, Sir," he
+went on as he walked off, "easy work and full rations. I reckon she's
+earned them."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The bride was given away by her grandfather who was dressed
+    in Liberty satin in empire style, with hanging sleeves of
+    chiffon."--_Provincial Paper_.
+
+He must have looked a sweet old dear.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE GOOSE THAT LAYS THE GOLDEN EGGS.
+
+_The Bird_. "HAVE YOU REALISED, MY GOOD SIR, THAT IF YOU PROCEED TO
+EXTREMES WITH THAT WEAPON MY AURIFEROUS ACTIVITIES MUST INEVITABLY
+CEASE?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ECHO OF THE TUBE STRIKE.
+
+"TAKE YER UP TO THE CITY FOR 'ALF-A-QUID, GUV'NOR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ACUTE ANGLER.
+
+The Colonel of our Reserve Battalion has an almost unique reputation
+as an angler. Scattered elements of the regiment carry his piscatorial
+heroics to obscure corners of the earth. Majors on the Pushti Kuli
+range recount the episode of the ingenuous troutling which, having
+apparently conceived a violent passion for the Colonel, literally
+forced itself upon the hook seven times within a short afternoon.
+Captains on the Sultanitza Planina rehearse the epic incidents of
+how the Colonel snatched victory from defeat after pursuing for three
+miles an infuriated pike which had wrenched the very rod from his
+grasp. Subalterns in the chill wilds of Cologne, adding picturesque
+details to an already artistic story, relate how he hooked a mighty
+veteran carp near Windsor, and played it for nine full hours (with a
+rest of ten minutes after the first, and five after each successive
+hour); how, under a full moon, he eventually grounded it on the
+Blackfriars' mud and beached it with a last effort; how they lay
+panting side by side for a space, and how, finally, with the courtesy
+due to an honourable foe from a gallant victor, he forced neat brandy
+down its throat and returned it to its domain in a slightly inebriated
+but wholly grateful condition.
+
+Consequently the Colonel's announcement that in view of the armistice
+he intended to spend three days in fishing the waters of a friend's
+estate was received by the Mess with lively satisfaction. An
+overwhelming fish diet was deprecated, but it was generally held that
+the honour of the regiment was in some way involved, and the Major
+felt it his duty to escort his senior officer on an expedition of such
+gravity.
+
+It transpired that the first day was unfortunate. The Colonel was
+silently impolite throughout Mess and retired immediately afterwards.
+The Major explained that the conditions had been adverse. The punt
+leaked at the end depressed by the Colonel and the ground-bait had
+been left behind. The wind was fierce and cutting, and the brandlings
+had been upset into the luncheon-basket. In addition the Colonel's
+reel had escaped into the river and had declined to give itself up
+until the whole length of line had been hauled in; and, in leaning
+over the side to reclaim it, his gold fountain-pen had vanished. Five
+hooks had failed to return from the deep and two were left suspended
+from inaccessible branches; Also in the Major's opinion there was not
+a single fish in the river.
+
+By breakfast the Colonel had regained his spirits. He commented on the
+lack of support given him by the Major, and in his place invited the
+Adjutant on the ground that he was probably less clumsy. He remarked
+that the offensive had not yet opened and that the previous day had
+been mainly devoted to a thorough reconnaissance of the whole sector.
+He had reason to believe that the enemy was present in considerable
+force.
+
+The second day proved equally unfortunate. The Colonel took his dinner
+in private, and the Mess orderly, who had dismally cut the two of
+clubs in the kitchen, returned from his ministrations a complete
+nervous wreck. The Adjutant explained that misfortune had followed
+misfortune. They had barely settled down midstream, and he was in
+the act of extracting a hook from the Colonel's finger with his
+jack-knife, when the punt broke from its moorings and carried them
+half-a-mile downstream. It was uncanny how the craft had contrived to
+navigate four bends without giving an opportunity of landing. In the
+afternoon they had fished from the bank, and the Colonel had fallen
+asleep while the Adjutant mounted guard. The Adjutant protested that
+it was not his fault that the float suddenly disappeared, or that the
+Colonel, on being vigorously awakened by him, struck so violently
+at what proved to be a dead branch that he lost his footing and
+tobogganned heavily into the river, and was compelled to waste three
+hours in the neighbouring hostelry taking precautions against a chill.
+
+At breakfast next morning the Colonel intimated that on this his last
+day he would go unaccompanied. With one eye on the Major and the other
+on the Adjutant, he passed a few remarks on the _finesse_ of fishing.
+The element of surprise should be the basis of attack. Precision and
+absolute secrecy in the carrying out of preliminary operations was
+vital. Every trick and every device of camouflage should be brought
+into play. There should be no violent preliminary bombardment of
+ground-bait to alarm the hostile forces, but the sector should be
+unostentatiously registered on the preceding night. The enemy's first
+realisation of attack should be at that moment when resistance was
+futile--though for his part he preferred a foe that would fight to the
+fish-basket, as it were. He thought the weather was vastly improved
+and admitted that his hopes were high.
+
+In the evening the Colonel positively swaggered into Mess. He radiated
+good fellowship and even bandied witticisms with the junior subaltern
+in an admirable spirit of give-and-take. He had enjoyed excellent
+sport. Later, in the ante-room, he delivered a useful little homily on
+the surmounting of obstacles, on patience, on presence of mind and on
+nerve, copiously illustrated from a day's triumph that will resound
+on the Murman coast as the unconditional surrender of the intimidated
+roach. He described how he had cunningly outmanoeuvred the patrols,
+defeated the vigilance of the pickets, pierced the line of resistance,
+launched a surprise attack on the main body, and spread panic in the
+hearts of the hostile legions.
+
+Unhappily for us, common decency, he said, had forced him to present
+his catch to his friend.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Wanted, to kill time whilst waiting demobilisation, an old
+    gun, rifle, or pistol."--_Morning Paper_.
+
+Now we know why Time flies.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Barber_ (_carried away by his reminiscences_). "AND
+WHEN HE'D LOOPED THE LOOP HE DID A NOSE-DIVE THAT FAIRLY TOOK YOUR
+BREATH AWAY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TWOPENNY BIN.
+
+It was called _Greatheart_; or, _Samuel's Sentimental Side_; and I
+think you will agree that it was a lot of title for twopence. Day
+after day, as I fumbled among the old books in the Twopenny Bin of the
+little secondhand bookseller's shop, that volume would wriggle itself
+forward and worm its way into my hands; and I would clench my teeth
+and thrust it to the remotest depths of the box.
+
+Then it haunted me. All day in my room I could hear _Greatheart_; or,
+_Samuel's Sentimental Side_ calling out to me, "How would you like to
+be in the Twopenny Bin?"
+
+I began to grow sentimental myself, and to handle those unconsidered
+trifles with tenderness. For you never know; I might be in the
+Twopenny Bin myself someday; might be picked up, just glanced at and
+shifted back into the corner out of sight.
+
+Yesterday _Greatheart_ again found himself in my hands, and I looked
+to see the date of his entry upon the world. I reflected on his sixty
+years of life, on the many happy fireside hours that had been spent in
+his company, on the gentle solace he had furnished to lesser hearts.
+
+I had decided what to do. There were few people about; the bookseller
+was not looking, and, if offence it was, well, I could fall back on
+the mercy of those who would judge.
+
+I leaned forward and tenderly deposited him in the Fourpenny Bin.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Visitor_. "BY JOVE, PERSEUS, I NEVER KNEW YOU WENT
+IN FOR SCULPTURE. GOOD STUFF, TOO, BUT A TRIFLE REALISTIC."
+
+_Perseus_. "OH, JUST A HOBBY. BUT, BETWEEN OURSELVES, IT'S THE
+MEDUSA'S HEAD THAT DOES IT. TURNS PEOPLE INTO STONE, AND THERE YOU
+ARE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO A DEAR DEPARTED.
+
+    ["Georgina," the largest of the giant tortoises at the Zoo,
+    has died. She was believed to be about two hundred and fifty
+    years old.]
+
+  Winds blow cold and the rain, Georgina,
+    Beats and gurgles on roof and pane;
+  Over the Gardens that once were green a
+    Shadow stoops and is gone again;
+      Only a sob in the wild swine's squeal,
+      Only the bark of the plunging seal,
+  Only the laugh of the striped hyaena
+    Muffled with poignant pain.
+
+  Long ago, in the mad glad May days,
+    Woo'd I one who was with us still;
+  Bade him wake to the world's blithe heydays,
+    Leap in joyance and eat his fill;
+      Sang I, sweet as the bright-billed ousel, a
+      Paean of praise for thy pal, Methuselah.
+  Ah! he too in the Winter's grey days
+    Died of the usual chill.
+
+  He was old when the Reaper beckoned,
+    Ripe for the paying of Nature's debt;
+  Forty score--if he'd lived a second--
+    Years had flown, but he lingered yet;
+      But you had gladdened this vale of tears
+      For a bare two hundred and fifty years;
+  You, Georgina, we always reckoned
+    One of the younger set.
+
+  Winter's cold and the influenza
+    Wreaked and ravaged the ranks among;
+  Bills that babbled a gay cadenza,
+    Snouts that snuffled and claws that clung--
+      Now they whistle and root and run
+      In Happy Valleys beyond the sun;
+  Never back to the ponds and pens a
+    Sigh of regret is flung.
+
+  Flaming parrots and pink flamingoes,
+    Birds of Paradise, frail as fair;
+  Monkeys talking a hundred lingoes,
+    Ring-tailed lemur and Polar bear--
+      Somehow our grief was not profound
+      When they passed to the Happy Hunting Ground;
+  Deer and ducks and yellow dog dingoes
+    Croaked, but we did not care.
+
+  But you--ah, you were our pride, our treasure,
+    Care-free child of a kingly race.
+  Undemonstrative? Yes, in a measure,
+    But every movement replete with grace.
+      Whiles we mocked at the monkeys' tricks
+      Or pored apart on the apteryx;
+  These could yield but a passing pleasure;
+    Yours was the primal place.
+
+  How our little ones' hearts would flutter
+    When your intelligent eye peeped out,
+  Saying as plainly as words could utter,
+    "Hurry up with that Brussels-sprout!"
+      How we chortled with simple joy
+      When you bit that impudent errand-boy;
+  "That'll teach him," we heard you mutter,
+    "Whether I've got the gout."
+
+  Fairest, rarest in all the Zoo, you
+    Bound us tight in affection's bond;
+  Now you're gone from the friends that knew you,
+    Wails the whaup in the Waders' Pond;
+      Wails the whaup and the seamews keen a
+      Song of sorrow; but you, Georgina,
+  Frisk for ever where warm winds woo you,
+    There, in the Great Beyond.
+
+ALGOL.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TECHNICALITIES OF DEMOBILISATION.
+
+_Officer_. "WHAT ARE THESE MEN'S TRADES OR CALLINGS, SERGEANT?"
+_Sergeant_. "SLOSHER, SLABBER AND WUZZER, SIR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CONTRA APPRECIATION.
+
+LORD NORTHCLIFFE has recently contributed a remarkably outspoken
+criticism of Mr. LLOYD GEORGE by way of "send-off" to his latest
+journal, _The New Illustrated_. The following extracts from an article
+about to appear in _The Pacific Monthly_, kindly communicated to us by
+wireless, seem to indicate that the PREMIER is indisposed to take it
+lying down:--
+
+"In a letter recently published without my authority I said that I
+was unable to control or influence him. This was true at the time and
+remains true now. Time and again have efforts been made to harness
+his energies to the State, but they have never succeeded. The
+responsibilities of office are irksome to his imperious temperament.
+There is something almost tragic in a figure, equipped with the
+qualities of an hereditary autocrat, endeavouring to accommodate
+himself to the needs of a democracy. The spectacle of this purple
+Emperor of the Press, with his ear constantly glued to the ground,
+is not wanting in pathos. With him the idols of yesterday are the pet
+aversions of to-day. He denounces me as 'a political chameleon, taking
+on the colour of those who at the moment happen to be his associates.'
+But what are you to say of a man who clamours for a saviour of the
+situation and then turns him into a cock-shy; of a Napoleon who is
+continually retiring to Elba when things are not going as he likes;
+of a politician who claims the privileges but refuses the duties of a
+Dictator?
+
+"It is obvious that he is still labouring under the hallucination that
+the War was a duel between him and the KAISER; that he 'downed' his
+antagonist single-handed, and that the prospects of a stable peace
+have been shattered by my failure to include him among the British
+Peace Delegates. So, all in a moment, the 'Welsh Wizard' is converted
+into the miserable creature of the Tory Junkers--a man without 'high
+moral courage,' 'wide knowledge' or 'large ideas.'
+
+"Personally I have no illusions about my consistency, but I _do_
+think that here I displayed some moral courage, also some unselfish
+consideration for CLEMENCEAU and WILSON and others. Just think of the
+panegyrics that would have been showered upon my head in the Press
+which he controls if he had been invited to the Table!
+
+"But with all deductions he is a man to be reckoned with, if not
+counted upon. He is a man of large type--almost of "Pica" type. And
+sometimes he deviates into sound and just criticism; as for example
+when he says that I 'depend greatly, upon others.' It is true. What is
+more, I know on whom I can depend; and I have learnt that his support
+can only be secured on terms which would reduce the PREMIER to the
+level of one of his minor editors."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SHAKSPEARE WILL BE PLEASED.
+
+  "CZECHO-SLOVAK REPUBLIC.
+  PROBLEM OF OUTLET TO SEA.
+  Port at Prague or Dantzig."
+
+--_Scottish Paper_.
+
+  "... Our ship hath touch'd upon
+    The deserts of Bohemia."
+
+_The Winter's Tale, III_. 3.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "At the Dogger Bank fight, Lion, the flagship of Sir David
+    Beatty, was crippled. Some people say she was torpedoed,
+    almost miraculously, by a Hun destroyer from five miles' range
+    (which version is probably tripe)."--_Scottish Paper_.
+
+Like so many things that we read in the Press nowadays.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_NOUVELLES DE PARIS._
+
+(_WITH ACKNOWLEDGMENTS TO THE "SOCIETY" PRESS_).
+
+_Paris, Feb., 1919._
+
+Dearest POPPY,--_Que la vie est drole!_ Who was it said that there are
+two great tragedies in life--not getting what you want, and getting
+it? I never understood that saying until now. For instance, when I
+left London most people I knew seemed to have a feverish desire to
+get to Paris. They were ready to move heaven, earth and the Ministry
+of Information to obtain the desired passport. They would go to any
+lengths to prove how necessary their presence is here during the Peace
+Conference.
+
+And now I find my countrymen over here longing with an equal
+feverishness to go home again. _Ils s'attristent. Ils s'ennuient._
+They have _nostalgie_ in its acutest form. It quite goes to my heart
+to hear the pathetic questions they put to newcomers: "How is London
+looking? What shows are running now?" And they go on to speak of dear
+dirty dark London, its beloved fogs, how adorable is the atrocious
+climate of England, in a way that would bring tears to your eyes. Why
+_don't_ they go back? you ask, _ma chere_. It's just because they want
+to be "in at the death" and say they were here when _la paix etait
+signee_.
+
+So these poor exiles continue to sacrifice themselves and drift
+aimlessly about Paris, making it so full that there's scarcely room
+for people like myself--who really _are_ on important work here--to
+breathe.
+
+Imagine! I met Eleanor Dashgood on the Boulevard Haussmann to-day,
+descending from her car with her two poms yapping at her heels,
+just as if she were _chez elle_. I really felt like saying something
+pointed; but, after all, my only comment was, "My dear, what a
+_strange_ lot of people one meets in Paris nowadays!"
+
+"Yes, dearest," she said, "that just occurred to me, too." I'm
+wondering now what the creature meant. Believe me, my dear, that
+woman has illegally wangled a passport out of the authorities by
+representing herself as her husband's typist--he's got a diplomatic
+passport, you know. I inquired if the maid she had brought with
+her had turned into a typist, too, to say nothing of the poms. The
+_toupet_ of some people!
+
+And, of course, all this unnecessary rabble is helping to make
+everything _horriblement cher_. The price of things makes one's hair
+stand on end like the quills of the fretful porcupine. I can assure
+you that _le moindre petit diner coute les yeux de la tete_. Poor
+Bobbie Lacklands had a _tragic_ experience yesterday. He said he quite
+unthinkingly dropped into that most _recherche_ of eating places,
+Fouquet's, for a snack. With only a modest balance at the bank he
+ordered a sardine. Then he called for a _filet mignon_ and half-a-pint
+of _vin rouge_--he was always a reckless spendthrift sort of boy, you
+know. A cup of _cafe noir_ and an apple completed his financial ruin.
+
+But he still declares that they were most awfully decent to him about
+it. They agreed, with scarcely any trouble, to take all the notes and
+loose silver he had with him on account. They accepted his securities
+and are now allowing him to pay off the balance gradually.
+
+Paris is beginning to think of dress once more, or I ought to say
+undress, for with the skirts short and the sleeves short and the
+bodice low there isn't _very_ much left to write about. I hope these
+short tight skirts will reach the ankles before they reach England,
+for I notice the people who have the courage to wear them generally
+lack the excuse of symmetry.
+
+_Figurez-vous!_ Jenny Bounceley, who considers herself quite a
+_Parisienne_ now she's got her official _carte d'alimentation_,
+appeared the other day in a skirt that resembled the _jupe_ of a
+_gamine_. I think it's disgraceful in one of her age and proportions.
+If she were simply knock-kneed; but, as Bertie says, she's
+knock-ankled as well.
+
+_Votre bien devouee_,
+
+ANNE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"RUMANIA. REDIDIVUS."
+
+_East African Standard_.
+
+To judge from the rumours of revolution, this false concord is only
+too apt.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Music was supplied and enjoyed by a local
+    orchestra."--_Provincial Paper_.
+
+This phenomenon has frequently been observed; the audience meanwhile
+continuing its conversation.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Colonel Sir Rhys Williams, who wore his khaki uniform, moved
+    the Address in reply to the Speech from the Throne....
+
+    It was not the glamour of war, Mr. Rhys Williams
+    continued...."--_Evening Standard_.
+
+It is refreshing to come across a case of really rapid demobilisation.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A message from Vienna states that the Emperor Carl intends to
+    be a candidate in the forthcoming elections for the Australian
+    National Assembly."--_Australian Paper_.
+
+But there is no truth in the rumour that, by way of reprisal, Mr.
+HUGHES intends to put in for CARL's vacant throne.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RIME FAIRIES.
+
+  Last night about the country-side
+    The nimble fairies flew,
+  And forests on the latticed pane
+    In quaint devices drew,
+  The grasses standing straight and tall,
+    The ferns with curious frond,
+  And just a peephole left to show
+    The misty world beyond.
+
+  The voices of the murmuring streams
+    They silenced one by one,
+  And bound their feet with gleaming chains
+    So they no more could run;
+  They hung the icicles about,
+    And you would laugh to see
+  Just how they flung the diamonds down
+    Upon the whole bare tree;
+  And every little blade of grass
+    A thing of beauty stood,
+  And when they'd finished it was just
+    Like an enchanted wood.
+
+  They paused beside the old barn door;
+    A spider's web hung there
+  As fragile as a little dream,
+    As delicate and fair;
+  They decked it with a thousand gems
+    Of oh! such dazzling sheen,
+  It was the very loveliest thing
+    That you have ever seen!
+
+  The sun from his soft bed of cloud
+    Came pale and timidly;
+  He knew if he let loose his rays
+    The mischief there would be;
+  He woke the sleeping world to life
+    With finger-tips of gold,
+  And up from meadow, wood and stream
+    The shimmering mists unrolled;
+  He lit the candles of the dawn
+    On every bush and tree;
+  The fairies on their homing wings
+    Looked back and laughed with glee,
+  "We've made a Fairyland for you,
+    O Mortals, wake and see."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "It is also extremely likely that the Democrats have induced
+    a considerable number of former Centre voters in South Germany
+    to join them."--_Christian World_.
+
+"Democrats" would seem to be the German equivalent of "Home Rulers."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Extract from a recent novel:--
+
+    "She wore under it a white blouse of thin stuff, snowy white
+    ... the big floppy sleeves gently bellowed in the slight
+    breeze."
+
+It sounds rather a loud dress. Possibly _le dernier cri_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "It is like a red rag to a bull to the 'bus drivers to see
+    those lorries running about picking up members of the public.
+
+    We are trying to keep our heads, but our shoulders are bending
+    under the pressure, and presently, I am afraid, we shall
+    collapse and find ourselves in the vortex."--_Daily Paper_.
+
+We should like to see this situation illustrated. Would some Vorticist
+oblige?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE MAN WHO GOT HIS MONEY'S WORTH.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Demobilised One_. "SEEMS FUNNY TO THINK THAT ONLY
+LAST WEEK I WAS WALKING ABOUT LOOKING LIKE THAT, EH?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LITERARY OPTIONS.
+
+In these days of ever-increasing strikes it is suggested, for the
+convenience of contributors to those magazines which of necessity
+go to press some time in advance, that they should submit to editors
+stories with interchangable situations:--
+
+  Algernon Aimless rose { lazily } from the breakfast-table
+                        { hastily}
+
+  at { 9 A.M. } on a dark winter's morning { in order
+     { 7 A.M. }                            { in preparation
+
+  { to catch the 9.15 to his office in the City.        }
+  { for his four-mile trudge to the City (Tube strike). }
+
+  The { electric lights gleamed with dazzling brilliance           }
+      { solitary candle shed a dismal light (Electricians' strike) }
+
+  on the { well-polished } china, silver and table cutlery
+         { neglected     }
+
+  which { were the joy and pride of the admirable parlourmaid. }
+        { no servants' hands had touched for weeks
+            (Domestic servants' strike).                       }
+
+  { had glanced casually at his letters.           }
+  { had had no letters to read (Postmen's strike). }
+
+  As he stood in the { spotlessly kept and charming } hall,
+                     { dusty discomfort of the dark }
+
+  arranging his { sleek well-brushed brown hair      }
+                { long untidy hair (Barbers' strike) } before
+
+  putting on his hat, Ermyntrude Aimless { glided  }
+                                         { bounced }
+
+  { gracefully down the staircase, clad in a charming
+  { breathlessly up from the basement, wearing an old
+
+  { _negligee_ of satin and lace.     }
+  { over-all above her dressing-gown. }
+
+  { "A handkerchief, dearest," she murmured. "I was afraid
+  { "Your sandwiches, old thing," she gasped. "I believe
+
+  you'd forgotten { to take one;" } and she held out in her
+                  {  about 'em;"  }
+
+  { white delicately--manicured hand a silk handkerchief
+  { none-too-clean hand an untidy brown-paper parcel which
+
+  { of palest mauve, exquisitely scented.       }
+  { contained his luncheon (Restaurant strike). }
+
+NOTE TO INTENDING AUTHORS.--This is not supposed to be a complete
+story, but just gives you the idea.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT PARIS PLAGE.
+
+  Oft have I begged the high gods for a boon,
+  That they would bear me from the Flanders slosh
+  Back to a desert _not_ made by the Bosch,
+  The sunny Egypt that I left too soon.
+  O silvery nights beneath an Eastern moon!
+  O shirt-sleeved days! O small infrequent wash!
+  O once again to see the nigger "nosh"
+  The camel, rudely grunting (out of tune)!
+  Loudly I called; the high gods hearkened not
+  Till came the signal and the big guns ceased;
+  But then they brought me to this sea-kissed spot,
+  Heeded my prayer and gave me back at least
+  One of the pleasures that of old I knew,
+  For here once more there's sand within the stew.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: GIVING HIM ROPE?
+
+GERMAN CRIMINAL (_to Allied Police_). "HERE, I SAY, STOP! YOU'RE
+HURTING ME! [_Aside_] IF I ONLY WHINE ENOUGH I MAY BE ABLE TO WRIGGLE
+OUT OF THIS YET."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Tuesday, February 11th_.--The KING's Speech outlined a programme
+of legislation which would in the ordinary way occupy two or three
+Sessions. But the Parliamentary machinery is to be ruthlessly speeded
+up and "a short cut to the Millennium" is to be discovered by way
+of the Committee-rooms. Precisians observed with regret that the
+customary reference in the Speech to "economy" had by some oversight
+been omitted; and the prospective creation of several additional
+Departments led Lord CREWE to express apprehension lest the country
+should be "doped" with new Ministries, to the detriment of the
+national health.
+
+[Illustration: THE OPPOSITION FREAK.
+
+THE ADAMSON-MACLEAN COMBINATION.]
+
+"Where are they gone, the old familiar faces?" was the question
+one asked oneself on looking at the crowded benches of the House of
+Commons. It was said of a Past President of the United States that he
+was the politest man in America--"he gave up his seat in a street-car
+and made room for four ladies." The gap made on the Front Opposition
+Bench by the involuntary retirement of Mr. ASQUITH--to which generous
+allusion was made by the PRIME MINISTER--is so vast that the joint
+efforts of Sir DONALD MACLEAN and Mr. ADAMSON to fill it met with only
+partial success. Unless, by the way, Mr. SPEAKER definitely decides
+the problem of precedence, it is to be feared that the hoped-for
+acceleration of business will not occur, for at present each of them
+thinks it necessary to speak whenever the other does, like the hungry
+lions on Afric's burning shore. For all their outward politeness I am
+sure "the first lion thinks the last a bore"; and if they insist on
+roaring together much longer the House will think it of both of them.
+
+The corner-seat whence Mr. PRINGLE flung his barbed darts at the
+Government is filled, physically, by Mr. STANTON. Lonely Mr. HOGGE now
+sits uneasily upon the Front Opposition Bench, but, fearing perhaps
+lest its dignified traditions should cramp his style, makes frequent
+visits to the Lobby.
+
+In accordance with ancient custom Sir COURTENAY ILBERT asserted the
+right of the House to initiate legislation by calling out "Outlawries
+Bill" in the middle of the SPEAKER's recital of the Sessional Orders.
+Some of the new Members, I fancy, took the interruption seriously,
+and thought that this was the outcome of the "Punish the KAISER."
+movement.
+
+The Mover and Seconder of the Address fully deserved the customary
+compliments. Col. Sir RHYS WILLIAMS' quiet and effective style
+explained his success as a picker-up of recruits; while Lt.-Commander
+DEAN, V.C., though he faced the House with much more trepidation than
+he did the batteries of Zeebrugge, got well home at the finish.
+
+[Illustration: SOUTH HACKNEY'S CHAMPION.]
+
+The lot of a Labour leader just now is not a happy one. Perhaps that
+accounted for the querulous tone assumed by Mr. ADAMSON, who seemed
+more concerned with the omissions in the KING's Speech than with its
+contents. His best sayings were imported from America, but he would
+have done better to content himself with LINCOLN and abjure BRYAN,
+whose "cross-of-gold" fustian will not bear repetition.
+
+After Sir DONALD MACLEAN had thoughtfully provided a welcome tea
+interval the PRIME MINISTER rose to reply to his critics. The
+accusation that he had forgotten some of his recent promises, such
+as "No Conscription," "Punish the Kaiser," and "Germany must pay,"
+did not trouble him much. If these election-eggs had hatched
+out prematurely and the contents were coming home to roost at an
+inconvenient moment he had no time to attend to them. What the country
+most needs at the moment is a firm clear statement on the Labour
+troubles, and that is what it got. So far as those troubles are due
+to remediable causes they shall be remedied; so far as the demands of
+Labour are based upon class-greed they shall be fought tooth and nail.
+There were a few dissentient shouts from the Opposition Benches, but
+the House as a whole was delighted when the PREMIER in ringing tones
+declared that "no section, however powerful, will be allowed to hold
+up the whole nation."
+
+_Wednesday, February 12th_.--The Lords had a brisk little debate on
+agriculture. Lord LINCOLNSHIRE paid many compliments to Lord ERNLE
+for what he had accomplished as Mr. PROTHERO, but could not understand
+why, having exchanged the green benches for the red, he should have
+reversed his old policy, "scrapped" the agricultural committees and
+begun to dispose of his tractors. Lord ERNLE, in the measured tones
+so suitable to the Upper House, made a good defence of the change. The
+chief thing wanted now was to "clean the land," where noxious weeds,
+the Bolshevists of the soil, had been spreading with great rapidity.
+As for the tractors, the Board thought it a good thing that the
+farmers should possess their own, but would retain in its own hands
+enough of them to help farmers who could not help themselves--not a
+large class, I imagine, with produce at its present prices.
+
+In the Commons an hour was spent in discussing the Government's
+now customary motion to take all the time of the House. Up got Mr.
+ADAMSON, to denounce it, now the War was over, as sheer Kaiserism. Up
+got Sir DONALD MACLEAN to defend it as commonsense, though he induced
+Mr. BONAR LAW to limit its duration to the end of March. Colonel
+WEDGWOOD pleaded that private Members might still be allowed to bring
+in Bills under the Ten Minutes' Rule; but that Parliamentary pundit,
+Sir F. BANBURY, asserted that there was no such thing in reality as
+the Ten Minutes' Rule, and pictured the possibility of whole days
+being swallowed up by a succession of private Members commending their
+legislative bantlings one after another with the brief explanatory
+statement permitted on such occasions. Alarmed at the prospect Mr. LAW
+decided not to admit the thin end of the WEDGWOOD.
+
+[Illustration: ELEMENTARY ECONOMICS.]
+
+The debate on the Address was resumed by Mr. BOTTOMLEY, who had a
+large audience. During his previous membership, terminated by one of
+those periodical visits to the Law Courts to which he made humorous
+reference, he delivered some capital speeches; and it was pleasant
+to find that the necessity of constantly producing "another powerful
+article next week" has not caused him to lose his oratorical form.
+His gestures are slightly reminiscent of the action of the common
+pump-handle, but his voice is excellent, and his matter has the merit
+of exactly resembling what our old friend "the Man in the Street"
+would say in less Parliamentary language, He has no hesitations, for
+example, on the subject of making Germany pay. By one of those rapid
+financial calculations for which he is renowned he has arrived at
+the comfortable figure of ten thousand millions sterling as Britain's
+little bill; and if you express doubts as to the debtor's capacity
+to pay he replies that he cannot recall any judge who made an order
+against him ever prefacing his judgment with an inquiry whether it
+would be convenient for him to find the money.
+
+Payment in kind is Mr. RONALD McNEILL's prescription. Let Leipzig
+library replenish the empty shelves of Louvain and the windows of
+Cologne make good--so far as German glass can do it--the shattered
+glories of Rheims.
+
+Mr. CLYNES warned the Government against neglecting the legitimate
+aspirations of Labour, one of which, he had the courage to affirm, was
+access to more and better beer. He also sought a clear statement of
+the Government's policy in Russia. This request was repeated by Sir
+SAMUEL HOARE, who, having spent a year and a half during the War
+in that distracted country, declared that "we must decide between
+Bolshevists and anti-Bolshevists." Unfortunately that is exactly what,
+according to the PRIME MINISTER's reply, we cannot do. The Allies
+are not prepared to intervene in force; they cannot leave Russia to
+stew in Her own hell-broth. The proposed Conference is admittedly a
+_pis-aller_; and, if it ever meets, no one can feel very hopeful of a
+tangible result from the deliberations of the Prinkipotentiaries.
+
+_Thursday, February 13th_.--Labour unrest produced a capital debate,
+in which Mr. BRACE, Mr. THOMAS and Mr. SEXTON made excellent speeches
+on the one side, and Major TRYON, Mr. REMER (an employer and a
+profit-sharer) and Mr. BONAR LAW were equally effective on the other.
+Brushing aside minor causes the Leader of the House, in his forthright
+manner, said the root of the matter was that "Labour wants a larger
+share of the good things which are to be obtained in this world"--not
+an unreasonable desire, he indicated, but one which would not be
+permanently realised by strikes directed against the whole community.
+Mr. SEDDON, of the National Democratic Party, compressed the same
+argument into an epigram. If the miners' full demands were conceded
+they would have "an El Dorado for one minute and disaster the next."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FROST AND THAW.
+
+I was earlier than usual that morning, which was bad luck, as I
+heard Fitz-Jones click his gate behind me and thud after me in his
+snow-boots. Fitz-Jones and I had a little disagreement, not long ago,
+about the sole possession of a servant-maid. Since then there has
+been a coolness. Curiously enough, the hideous frost that raged at the
+moment (the thermometer stood at twenty-five degrees in the henhouse)
+seemed to thaw Fitz-Jones. And I knew why.
+
+Last summer Fitz-Jones had spent four torrid days with the thermometer
+at 75 degrees, winding up his pipes in straw "against" the winter. I
+had seen his purple face as I hammocked it with an iced drink. He had
+seen and heard me laugh.
+
+"Ah," he croaked, "you may laugh on the other side of the hedge now,
+but you'll laugh on the other side of your face later."
+
+So now I knew that he was thudding after me in the snow, bursting to
+hear that my pipes had burst or were about to burst.
+
+"Hallo, Browne," he began, "how'd you like this?"
+
+"Oh, all right," I said airily. Here I did a wonderful step. Slide
+on the right heel--hesitation shuffle on the left toe--two half
+slips sideways. Wave both arms--backward bend. Recover.
+Jazz--tangle--tickle-toe was nothing to it.
+
+"Slippery, isn't it?" he said. "My flannel was frozen to the
+wash-stand to-day--had to get it off with a chisel."
+
+I was prepared for these travellers' tales. I knew he was leading up
+to water-pipes.
+
+"Couldn't get my cold tub," he went on; "frozen solid overnight."
+
+I had heard of this cold tub before. "My tooth-brush froze on to my
+teeth," I capped him; "the teapot spout was hung with icicles, and the
+cat's tongue froze on to the milk when it was drinking."
+
+"How about your pipes?" he began, "Who was right about wrapping?"
+
+"Rapping," I said in well-feigned innocence--"rapping? Who rapped?
+Rapped on what?"
+
+That set him going.
+
+I gathered when we reached the station there was a strike on. But we
+found a milk-lorry travelling our way. So Smith had the entire use of
+my right ear into which to say, "I told you so," for an hour, while we
+travelled to the spot on which we win our bread. He had dragged from
+me the fact that our hot-water tap had also struck. The milk cans
+clattered. Smith chattered. So did my teeth.
+
+When I got home that night our house seemed to be more handsomely
+garnished with icicles than any other house I had seen that day.
+
+"Keep the home fires burning!" I said to my wife on entering. "If need
+be, burn the banisters and the bills and my boot-trees and everything
+else beginning with a 'b.' Keep us thawed and unburst, or Fitz-Jones
+will feel he has scored a moral victory; he will strut cross-gartered,
+with yellow stockings, for the rest of his days."
+
+"I don't know what you are talking about," said Evangeline, "but
+Christabel and I" (Christabel is our general-in-command) "have been
+cosseting those pipes all day. Been giving them glasses of hot water
+and dressing them up in all our clothes. The bath-pipe is wearing my
+new furs and your pyjamas, and I've put your golf stockings on the
+geyser-pipe. I expect they'll all blow up. Come and look at the
+hot-water cistern."
+
+The cistern looked dressy in Evangeline's fur coat. I added my silk
+hat to the geyser's cosy costume and a pair of boots on the bath-taps.
+But I was told not to be silly, so took them off again.
+
+I suggested that the geyser should go to a fancy-dress ball as "The
+Winter of our Discontent," but was again told not to be silly.
+
+Two days elapsed. The frost held. Then something happened.
+Fitz-Jones's lady-help came round at 7.30 A.M. to borrow a drop of
+water, as they were frozen up.
+
+We lent them several drops, and I breathed again, and continued to
+breathe, with snorts of derision.
+
+Three days later the thaw came.
+
+As I passed Fitz-Jones's house I was grieved to hear a splashing
+sound. A cascade of water was spouting from his bathroom window.
+Fitz-Jones himself was running round and round the house like a
+madman, flourishing a water-key and trying to find the tap to the
+main.
+
+I begged him to be calm, to control himself for his wife's sake, for
+all our sakes. I was most graceful and sympathetic about it.
+
+But with the thaw Fitz-Jones had frozen again.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Civil Servant requires house."--_Local Paper_.
+
+On the other hand, many houses just now require a civil servant.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Lady_. "YOU COME HERE BEGGING AND SAY YOU ARE NOT
+EXPECTED TO DO ANY MORE WORK. I NEVER HEARD OF SUCH A THING."
+
+_Tramp_. "THEN I'VE BEEN MISINFORMED, LIDY. I CERTAINLY 'EARD
+THAT AFTER THE WAR ENGLAND WAS GOIN' TER BE A BETTER PLACE FER THE
+LABOURING CLASSES."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PAST AND PRESENT.
+
+(_AFTER_ T. HOOD.)
+
+  I remember, I remember.
+    The line where I was borne,
+  The little platform where the train
+    Came rushing in at morn;
+  I used to take a little seat
+    Upon the little train,
+  But now before I get at it
+    It rushes out again.
+
+  I remember, I remember
+    The 'buses red and white,
+  The corner where they used to stop
+    And take me home at night;
+  They never gave a wink at me
+    And shouted, "Full to-day,"
+  But now I often wish that one
+    Would carry me away.
+
+  I remember, I remember
+    The cabs we used to get,
+  The growler from the "Adam Arms"
+    (The horse is living yet);
+  My spirit was impatient then,
+    That is so meek to-day,
+  And now I often think that that
+    Would be the quickest way.
+
+  I remember, I remember
+    The lights against the sky;
+  I used to think that London would
+    Be closer by-and-by;
+  It was a childish ignorance,
+    But now 'tis little joy
+  To know I'm farther from the Strand
+    Than when I was a boy.
+
+A.P.H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CUE TYPES.
+
+At the present moment, when the billiard professionals are contesting
+the palm and Mr. S.H. FRY has re-captured the title of amateur
+champion seven-and-twenty years after he first won it, there is such
+interest in the game that a kind of _Guide to Billiard Types_ cannot
+but be of value. Hence the following classification of players who
+are to be met with in clubs, country-houses or saloons by any ordinary
+wielders of the cue. Any reader who has ever endeavoured to master
+what may be called (by way of inversion) the Three Balls Art has power
+to add to their number.
+
+The player who, as he drops behind in the game, says so often that it
+is months since h" touched a cue that your success is robbed of all
+savour.
+
+The player who is funny and calls the red the Cherry, the Robin, the
+Cardinal or the Lobster.
+
+The player who comes to the game as to a solemn ritual and neither
+smiles nor speaks.
+
+The player who keeps on changing his cue and blames each one in turn
+for his own ineptitude.
+
+The player who can use his left hand as well as his right: a man to be
+avoided.
+
+The player who whistles while he plays. This is a very deadly
+companion.
+
+The player who never has a good word for his opponent's efforts.
+
+The player who congratulates you on every stroke: a charming
+antagonist.
+
+The player who is always jolly whatever buffets he receives from
+fortune.
+
+The player who talks about every one of his strokes.
+
+The player who swears at most of them.
+
+The player who doubts the accuracy of your scoring. Avoid this one.
+
+The player who hits everything too hard. This is a very exasperating
+man to meet because fortune usually favours him. Either he flukes
+immoderately or he does not leave well. He is usually a hearty fellow
+with no sense of shame. Perhaps he says "Sorry;" but he adds, "It must
+have been on."
+
+The player who hits everything too gently: the lamb as compared with
+the previous type, who is a lion. The lamb is good to play with if you
+prefer winning to a real contest.
+
+The player who groans loudly when you make a fluke.
+
+The player who is accustomed to play on a much faster table than this.
+
+The player who calls the game Pills.
+
+The player who calls it Tuskers.
+
+The player who counts your breaks for you, but whether from interest
+or suspicion you are not sure.
+
+The player who pots the white when he should and says nothing about
+it.
+
+The player who pots the white when he should, with a thousand
+apologies.
+
+The player who pots the white when he shouldn't, with a thousand
+apologies.
+
+The player who is snappy with the marker.
+
+The player who drops cigar ash on the cloth.
+
+The player who hates to lose.
+
+The player who would much rather that you won. This type is a joy to
+play with, unless towards the end he too patently ceases to try.
+
+The player who, after the stroke, tells you what you ought to have
+done.
+
+The player who talks to the balls, particularly to the red. "Now then,
+red," he says, "don't go into baulk;" or, "Stop just by that pocket;"
+or "White, don't go down."
+
+The player who has just come from a spectacular match and keeps on
+trying to reproduce that shot of STEVENSON's.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Ministry Official_. "No NEED TO SCREEN THE LIGHTS
+_NOW_, MY BOY. D'YOU THINK THE WAR'S STILL ON?"
+
+_Infatuated Office Boy_. "I WAS JUST TRYING TO MAKE MISS JENKINS A BIT
+OF TOAST, SIR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "In a licensing prosecution at ---- yesterday it was stated
+    that one shilling was charged for a 'drop' of whisky of about
+    one-sixth of a gallon."--_Daily Paper_.
+
+In the interests of temperance we have suppressed the name of the town
+at which this bargain was secured.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CONTRACTS.
+
+It was shortly after the commencement of the March offensive that
+it was decided to open new munition works in Glenwhinnie, N.B. The
+contract for building was offered to the well-known firm of McTavish,
+McTurk & McThom, of Auchterinver.
+
+They accepted. With thanks.
+
+And so it came about that, early in April, Glenwhinnie, N.B. became
+the scene of great activity. Men bearing strange instruments came and
+took extensive measurements; large bodies of gentlemen in corduroys,
+armed with powerful implements indicative of toil, arrived and smoked
+clay pipes; a special light railway was rapidly constructed, and bore
+colossal cranes and more gentlemen with clay pipes to the scene of
+action. And Mr. McTurk went in person to open the proceedings.
+
+In a speech pulsating with patriotism, Mr. McTurk exhorted his men to
+do their best for their King and country, and show everybody what the
+firm of McTavish, McTurk & McThom could do. He then departed, leaving
+things in the hands of a dozen subordinates well tried and true ...
+
+And so by the early days of June the work began ...
+
+Came November 11th ...
+
+November 20th it was decided that the new works in Glenwhinnie, N.B.,
+would not be necessary after all.
+
+What was to be done?
+
+A special committee decided that the buildings should be demolished,
+and the contract was offered to the well-known firm of McClusky,
+McCleery & McClumpha, of Auchtermuchty.
+
+They accepted. With thanks.
+
+And so it came about that a second army of occupation descended upon
+Glenwhinnie, N.B. Fresh bodies of gentlemen in corduroys and armed
+with a rather different set of powerful implements arrived, and smoked
+clay pipes. Another light railway was rapidly constructed, and Mr.
+McCleery went in person to open the proceedings. In a speech full of
+fervour ...
+
+And so by early January the work commenced.
+
+By this time Messrs. McTavish and Co. had got the buildings well in
+hand. What was to be done? Leave their work uncompleted? Never! As
+Mr. McThom pointed out with considerable emotion to his partners, a
+contract was a contract all the world over.
+
+If it ever came to be said that any firm he was interested in had
+failed to fulfil a contract, he for one (Angus McThom) would never
+hold up his head. The contract must be completed. It was a sacred
+duty. Besides--a minor point--what about payment?
+
+So Mr. McTurk was despatched to Glenwhinnie, N.B., where in a speech
+of great power he pointed out the path of duty.
+
+Amid scenes of enthusiasm the work went on apace.
+
+And at the other end the well-known firm of McClusky, McCleery &
+McClumpha tore down the buildings with equal enthusiasm.
+
+And that is the state of affairs just now in Glenwhinnie, N.B. What
+will happen when--as they are bound to do--the wreckers overtake the
+builders is a matter for speculation. Mr. McTurk may make another
+speech. Possibly Mr. McCleery may also exhort. There is promise of a
+delicate situation.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "AND ARE YOU A GOOD NEEDLEWOMAN AND RENOVATOR, AND
+WILLING TO BE USEFUL?"
+
+"MADAM, I AM AFRAID THERE IS SOME MISUNDERSTANDING. I AM A LADY'S
+MAID--NOT A USEFUL MAID."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE STOICS OF THE SERPENTINE.
+
+    I, for my part, admire
+    The snug domestic fire,
+  The comfortable hearth, the glowing coals,
+    Nor in the least aspire
+  To emulate those strong heroic souls
+    Who get up while it's dark
+    And haste to chill ablutions in Hyde Park.
+
+    It can't be very nice
+    To break the solid ice
+  And, like a walrus, plunge into the deep;
+    Then jump out in a trice,
+  Dissevering the icicles as you leap,
+    Even though the after-glow
+    Of virtue melts the circumjacent snow.
+
+    And we of milder mould,
+    And we who're growing old,
+  Wish they would wash, like other folk, elsewhere;
+    It makes us feel quite cold
+  To think of them refrigerating there;
+    We shiver in our beds;
+    Our pitying molars chatter in our heads.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE DOVER PATROL.
+
+    VINDICTIVE MEN AS PROGRAMME SELLERS."--_Times_.
+
+After what men have suffered from the flag-day sex, no wonder they get
+vindictive when they have a chance of retaliation.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The causes of the engineers' strike in London are a little
+    obscure, but the stoppage of the ten minutes allowed for tea
+    before the 47-hour day was introduced brought the men out from
+    one motor works."--_Provincial Paper_.
+
+The great objection to a day of this length is that it gives so little
+scope for overtime.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Association for the Betterment of the Highlands and
+    Islands of the Free Church of Scotland have prepared and
+    presented to the Secretary for Scotland a memorandum on the
+    reconstruction of the Highlands."--_Scots Paper_.
+
+We have always thought that judicious thinning of the more congested
+views would help the tourist.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The men who had watched the daily search set up a cheer,
+    ffi---- ----fl."--_Sunday Paper_.
+
+We hope the cheer was more hearty than it appears at first sight.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CONSULTATION.
+
+    _Persons of the dialogue_: Arthur Pillwell, M.D., _a
+    fashionable physician;_ Henry Swallow, _a patient. The scene
+    is laid in_ Dr. Pillwell's _consulting-room--a solid room,
+    heavily furnished. A large writing-table occupies the centre
+    of the scene. There are a few prints on the walls; two
+    bookcases are solidly filled with medical books._ Dr. Pillwell
+    _is seated at the writing-table. He rises to greet his
+    patient._
+
+_Dr. P._ Good morning, Mr. ---- (_He looks furtively at a notebook
+lying open on the table_) Mr.--ah--Swallow.
+
+_Mr. S._ (_thinking to himself: Ought I to call this Johnnie "Doctor,"
+or not? I'm told they're very particular about a thing like that.
+Like a fool, I never gave it a thought. Still, I can't go so very far
+wrong if I call him "Doctor." Besides, he's got to be called "Doctor"
+whether he likes it or not. Here goes._) (_Aloud_) Good morning, Dr.
+Pillwell. I've been troubled with some symptoms which I can't quite
+make out. I think I described them in my letter. (_To himself: They
+made several doctors Knights of the British Empire, and I'm almost
+certain Pillwell was one of them. Sir John Pillwell. Yes, it sounds
+all right; but I shan't call him "Sir John" because if he isn't a
+knight he might think I was trying to make fun of him and then he
+might retaliate by calling me "Sir Henry," and I should hate that_).
+(_Aloud_) The chief symptoms are a steady loss of appetite and a
+disinclination to work. I was recommended to consult you by my friend,
+Mr. Bolter, as I think I explained in my letter.
+
+_Dr. P._ It's curious how prevalent these symptoms are at the present
+moment. I think, if you don't mind, I will begin by taking your
+temperature.
+
+    [_Produces clinical thermometer and gives it three good
+    jerks._
+
+_Mr. S._ (_to himself: There--I knew he'd want to put one of those
+infernal machines in my mouth. I simply loathe the feeling of them,
+and I'm always on the verge of crunching them up. Perhaps I ought to
+warn him._) (_Aloud_) I'm afraid I'm not much good as a thermometer
+man.
+
+_Dr. P._ Oh, it's a mere trifle. All you've got to do is just to hold
+it under your tongue. There--it's in.
+
+_Mr. S._ (_talking with difficulty_). Ish i' in 'e ri' plashe?
+
+_Dr. P._ Yes. But don't try to talk while it's in your mouth. I've had
+patients who've bitten it in two. There--that's enough. (_Extracts it
+deftly from patient's mouth and examines it._) Hum, hum, yes. A point
+below normal. Nothing violently wrong _there_. (_He now performs the
+usual rites and mysteries._) I'll make you out a little prescription
+which ought to put you all right. And if you can spare a week, and
+spend it at Eastbourne, I don't think it will do you any harm.
+
+_Mr. S._ (_To himself: I like this man. He doesn't waste any time.
+It's a curious coincidence that I should have been thinking this
+very morning of arranging a visit to the seaside. Now of course I've
+absolutely got to go. Can't disobey my new doctor, and wouldn't if I
+could. By Jove, I'd all but forgotten about the two guineas fee. Yes,
+the cheque's in my breast-pocket. Two guineas for the first visit.
+The rule is not to give it too openly, but to slip it on to a desk
+or table as if you were half ashamed of it. Where shall I put it so
+as to make sure he spots it out of the corner of his eye? Ha! on the
+blotting-pad, which I can just reach. Does it with his left hand, and
+feels a man once more._)
+
+_Dr. P._ And here's your prescription.
+
+_Mr. S._ Thank you a thousand times. (_To himself: He's edging up to
+the blotting-pad, and he'll have the cheque in another second._)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO A CHINESE COOLIE.
+
+  O happy Chink! When I behold thy face,
+    Illumined with the all-embracing smile
+  Peculiar to thy celestial race,
+    So full of mirth and yet so free from guile,
+  I stand amazed and let my fancy roam,
+    And ask myself by what mysterious lure
+  Thou wert induced to leave thy flowery home
+    For Flanders, where, alas! the flowers are fewer.
+
+  Oft have I marked thee on the Calais quay,
+    Unloading ships of plum-and-apple jam,
+  Or beef, or, three times weekly, M. and V.,
+    And sometimes bacon (very rarely ham);
+  Or, where St. Quentin towers above the plain,
+    Have seen thee scan the awful scene and sigh,
+  Pick up a spade, then put it down again
+    And wipe a furtive tear-drop from thine eye.
+
+  And many a Sabbath have I seen thee stride
+    With stately step across the Merville Square,
+  Beaming with pleasure, full of conscious pride,
+    Breaking the hearts of all the _jeunes filles_ there;
+  A bowler hat athwart thy stubborn locks
+    And round thy neck a tie of brilliant blue,
+  Thy legs in football shorts, thy feet in socks
+    Of silken texture and vermilion hue.
+
+  Impassive Chu (or should I call thee "Chow"?),
+    Say, what hast thou to do with all this fuss,
+  The ceaseless hurry and the beastly row,
+    The buzzing plane and roaring motor-bus,
+  While far away the sullen Hwang-ho rolls
+    His lazy waters to the Eastern Sea,
+  And sleepy mandarins sit on bamboo poles
+    Imbibing countless cups of China tea?
+
+  A year ago thou digged'st in feverish haste
+    Against the whelming onset of the Hun
+  A hundred miles of trench across the waste--
+    A year ago--and now the War is won;
+  But thou remainest still with pick and spade,
+    Celestial delver, patient son of toil!
+  To fill the trenches thou thyself hast made
+    And roll the twisted wire-in even coil.
+
+  But not for thee the glory and the praise,
+    The medals or the fat gratuity;
+  No man shall crown thee with a wreath of bays
+    Or recommend thee for the O.B.E.;
+  And thou, methinks, wouldst rather have it so,
+    Provided that, without undue delay,
+  They let thee take thy scanty wage and go
+    Back to thy sunny home in Old Cathay;
+
+  Where never falls a shell nor bursts a bomb,
+    Nor ever blows the slightest whiff of gas,
+  Such as was not infrequent in the Somme,
+    But on thy breast shall lean some slant-eyed lass;
+  And she shall listen to thy converse ripe
+    And search for souvenirs among thy kit,
+  Pass thee thy slippers and thy opium pipe
+    And make thee glad that thou hast done thy bit.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"SELF MADE MAN
+
+    Young widwep lady intelligent, wealthy wishing to remarie,
+    wishes to make acquaintance in a Swiss Sportplace with a well
+    situated english or american gentleman. Preference is given
+    to a businessman, self made, with fine caracter aged 35-45
+    handsome as the lady is it too."--_Swiss Paper_.
+
+We foresee a rush of profiteers to the Alps.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Sportsman_. "THEY DON'T SEEM VERY ANXIOUS TO HUNT
+TO-DAY, TOM."
+
+_Tom_ (_exasperated by a bad scenting day_). "POOR THINGS, THEY'VE
+ALMOST FORGOT HOW TO; THEY'VE BEEN SO BUSY GETTIN' OUT OF THE WAY OF
+YOU YOUNG OFFICER GENTS SINCE YOU CAME 'OME."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS._)
+
+Finding _Midas and Son_ (METHUEN) described on the wrapper as a tale
+of "the struggle of a young man and his immense riches," I said to
+myself (rather like _Triplet_ in the play) that here was a struggle at
+which it would greatly hearten me to assist. As a fact, however, the
+conflict proved to be somewhat postponed; it took Mr. STEPHEN McKENNA
+more than two hundred pages to get the seconds out of the ring and
+leave his hero, _Deryk_, face to face with an income of something over
+a million a year. Before this happened the youth had become engaged
+to a girl, been thrown over by her, experienced the wiles of Circe and
+gone in more or less vaguely for journalism. Then came the income and
+the question what to do with it. Of course he didn't know how to use
+it to the best advantage; it is universal experience that other people
+never do. But _Deryk_ impressed me as more than commonly lacking
+in resource. All he could think of was to finance and share in an
+archaeological venture (rather fun), and to purchase a Pall Mall
+club-house--apparently the R.A.C.--and do it up as a London abode for
+himself and his old furniture. Also for his wife, as fortune had now
+flung him again into the arms of his early love. But it is just here
+that the subtle and slightly cruel cleverness of Mr. McKENNA's scheme
+becomes manifest. The million-a-year had been at work on _Deryk_; it
+had slain his capacity for romance. In plain words, he found that he
+cared more for his furniture than for his _fiancee_, whose adoration
+soon bored him to shrieking point. So there you are. I shall not
+betray the author's solution of his own problem. I don't think
+he has proved his somewhat obvious point as to the peril of great
+possessions. _Deryk_ was hardly a quite normal subject, and
+_Idina_ (the girl) was a little fool who would have irritated a
+crossing-sweeper. But what he certainly has done is to provide some
+scenes of pre-war London not unworthy to be companion pictures to
+those in _Sonia_; and this, I fancy, will be good enough for most
+readers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Its publishers call _The Pot Boils_ (CONSTABLE) a "provocative" book,
+and certainly the title at least deserves this epithet. But I decline
+to be drawn into the obvious retort. Besides, with all its faults, the
+story exhibits an almost flaunting disregard of those qualities that
+make the best seller. About the author I am prepared to wager, first,
+that "STORM JAMESON" is a disguise; secondly, that the personality
+behind it is feminine. I have hinted that the tale is hardly likely
+to gain universal popularity; let me add that certain persons, notably
+very young Socialists and experts in Labour journalism, may find it of
+absorbing interest. It is a young book, almost exclusively about young
+people, written (or I mistake) by a youthful hand. These striplings
+and maidens are all poor, mostly vain, and without exception fulfilled
+of a devastating verbosity. We meet them first at a "Northern
+University," talking, reforming the earth, kissing, and again
+talking--about the kisses. Thence they and the tale move to London,
+and the same process is repeated. It is all rather depressingly narrow
+in outlook; though within these limits there are interesting and
+even amusing scenes. Also the author displays now and again a happy
+dexterity of phrase (I remember one instance--about "web-footed
+Socialists ... dividing and sub-dividing into committees, like worms
+cut by a spade"), which encourages me to hope that she will do better
+things with a scheme of wider appeal. But to the general, especially
+the middle-aged general, the contents of her present _Pot_ will, I
+fear, be only caviare.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Little _Sara Lee Kennedy_, betrothed to one of those alert grim-jawed
+young Americans one sees in the advertising pages of _The Ladies' Home
+Journal_, learns of the suffering in Belgium at the beginning of the
+great War and finds she must do something about it. She can cook, so
+she will go and make soup for KING ALBERT's men. She takes her young
+man's photograph and his surly disapproval; also a few dollars hastily
+collected from her obscure township in Pa.; and becomes the good
+angel of a shattered sector of the Belgian line. And she finds in _The
+Amazing Interlude_ (MURRAY) her prince--a real prince--in the Secret
+Service, and, after the usual reluctances and brave play (made for the
+sake of deferring the inevitable) with the photograph of the old
+love, is at last gloriously on with the new. It is a very charming
+love-story, and MARY ROBERTS RINEHART makes a much better thing of the
+alarms and excursions of war than you would think. It was no good, I
+found, being superior about it and muttering "Sentiment" when you had
+to blink away the unbidden tear lest your fireside partner should find
+you out. So let me commend to you this idealised vision of a corner
+of the great War seen through the eyes of an American woman of vivid
+sympathies.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Rovers of the Night Sky_ (CASSELL) is for more reasons than one
+a welcome addition to my rapidly bulging collection of books about
+flying. "NIGHT HAWK, M.C.," was in the Infantry--what he calls
+a "Gravel-Cruncher"--before he took to the air, and by no means
+the least interesting part of his sketches is the way in which he
+explains the co-operation which existed between the fliers and the men
+fighting on the ground. And his delight when a bombing expedition was
+successful in giving instant assistance to the Infantry is frequently
+shown. After his training in England "NIGHT HAWK" was attached as an
+observer to a night-flying squadron in France, and he tells us of
+his adventures with no sense of self-importance but with an honest
+appreciation of their value to the general scheme of operations. He
+has also a keen eye for the humours of life, and can make his jest
+with most admirable brevity. "Doubtless," he says in a foreword, "the
+whole world will fly before many years have passed, but for the moment
+most people have to be content to read about it." I am one of them,
+and he has added to my contentment.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+My studies of recent fiction induce the belief that modern Wales
+may be divided into two parts, in one of which the inhabitants call
+each other _Bach_ and follow a code of morals that I simply will not
+stoop to characterise; while the other is at once more Saxon in idiom
+and considerably more melodramatic in its happenings. It is to the
+latter province that I must assign _A Little Welsh Girl_ (HODDER AND
+STOUGHTON), the Romance, with a big R, of _Dylis Morgan_, who pushed
+an unappreciated suitor over a precipice and came to London to make
+her fortune in revue. Really the suitor didn't go all the way down
+the precipice; but as, by the time he recovered, _Dylis_, disguised,
+had fled for England, he was promptly arrested for her murder, and
+as _Dylis_ thought she had murdered him there was presently so much
+confusion (increased for me by the hopelessly unpronounceable names
+of a large cast) that I found it increasingly hard to keep the affair
+in hand. As for _Dylis's_ theatrical career--well, you know how
+these things are managed in fiction; for my part I was left wondering
+whether Mr. HOWEL EVANS' pictures of Wales were as romantically
+conceived as his conception of a West-End theatre. Though of course
+we all know that Welsh people do sometimes make even more sensational
+triumphs in the Metropolis; just possible indeed that this fact may
+have some bearing on the recent flood of Cambrian fiction. Certainly,
+if _A Little Welsh Girl_ achieves success on the strength of Mr. LLOYD
+GEORGE's triumph, she may thank her luck, for I have my doubts whether
+she could manage it unassisted.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Of _Ladies Must Live_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) one may say, in the first
+place, that it is fortunately unnecessary as well as unusual for
+the bulk of them to live in the scalp and tomahawk atmosphere that
+distinguishes the sexual and social rivalry of _Christine Fennimer_
+and _Nancy Almar_, the two beautiful American Society dames whose duel
+for the affections of the eligible hero form the plot, the whole plot
+and nothing but the plot of Miss ALICE DUER MILLER's latest book.
+Nature red in tooth and claw has not mothered them--they are too
+well-bred for that; they simply bite with their tongues. _Mrs. Almar_,
+who is married and purely piratical, comes off worst in the encounter,
+and the more artful _Christine_, ultimately falling in love with the
+object of her artifices, becomes human enough to marry him, despite
+his lapse from financial eligibility. The plot is a thin one, but
+smoothly and brightly unfolded. Unhappily Miss MILLER lacks the
+gift of delicate satire and the sense of humour that the society
+novel above all others seems to require. With a lighter and less
+matter-of-fact treatment one would accept more easily the overdrawing
+of her rather impossible felines.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Man in the Air_. "ANOTHER OF THESE BEASTLY PIVOTAL
+MEN!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Sir Charles Sykes, Director of Wood Production, has conferred
+    with representatives of each section of the tailoring trade,
+    with a view to simplifying the regulations and making possible
+    a larger output of Standard suits."--_Daily Paper_.
+
+We look forward to the part that this new clothing will play in the
+general scheme of afforestation.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A lady visiting the town complained that she went to a
+    licensed house and asked to be served with tea. She alleged
+    that the licensee was very rude to her, and refused to grant
+    her request. He [the Superintendent of Police] desired
+    to point out to license holders that they were bound to
+    provide proper accommodation and refreshment for man and
+    beast."--_West-Country Paper_.
+
+And we desire to point out to the Superintendent that that is not the
+proper way to refer to a lady.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+156, Feb. 19, 1919, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+***** This file should be named 14146.txt or 14146.zip *****
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