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diff --git a/old/14146.txt b/old/14146.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..efd50b1 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14146.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2275 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156, +Feb. 19, 1919, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 156, Feb. 19, 1919 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 24, 2004 [EBook #14146] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 156. + + + +February 19, 1919. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +The report that demobilisation will be completed by March 31st is now +officially denied. There would appear to be something in the rumour +that the Demobilisation Staff have expressed the hope of dying in +harness. + + *** + +It is stated that Woolwich Arsenal is preparing to manufacture +ice-cream freezers. People are wondering if it was the weather that +gave them this happy thought. + + *** + +The German ex-Crown Prince is so determined that the Allies shall not +place him on trial that he now threatens to commit suicide or die in +the attempt. + + *** + +"There are things we want to get rid of," says "BACK BENCHER" in _The +Daily Mail_. The rumour that Sir FREDERICK BANBURY, M.P., has already +demanded an apology is unconfirmed. + + *** + +Soldier-golfers, says a sporting writer, are already urging the +introduction of fresh features into the game. A new method of +addressing the ball, introduced from Mesopotamia, is said to be most +efficacious. + + *** + +With reference to the North of England man who has decided not +to strike, we now learn that he happens to be out of work just at +present. + + *** + +ISAAC DENBIGH, of Chicago, is, we are told, one-hundred-and-thirteen +years of age. He must try again. We expect better things than this +from America. + + *** + +Statesmen, says Sir WILLIAM ORPEN, A.R.A., are poor sitters. The +impulse to rush out and cackle has probably something to do with it. + + *** + +It is said that a soldier in the Lancashire Fusiliers decided, on +being demobilised, to accept a standard civilian suit instead of the +usual gratuity. The Sergeant-Major in charge of the case lies in a +critical condition. + + *** + +Sand-gleaners at Ramsgate are making money from bags of sugar washed +ashore. This answers the oft-propounded question, "How do grocers +spend their week-ends?" + + *** + +Another hold-up by American soldiers has occurred in Liverpool. In +view of the magnitude of our debt to the United States it is felt +that this method of collecting it in instalments is bound to prove +unsatisfactory. + + *** + +"Humour and love," says a contemporary, "are what will pay the average +writer best at the moment." It is not known whether Labour or the +Peace Conference has done most to send up the price of these luxuries. + + *** + +Officials of the Waiters' Union are perturbed over the rumour that +restaurant _habitues_ are preparing to strike in favour of a fifty per +cent. reduction in tips. + + *** + +Several of our leading magistrates declare that unless some High +Court judge asks, "What is beer?" they will be compelled to do it +themselves. + + *** + +A St. Bernard dog belonging to a New York hotel-keeper perished after +swallowing a bundle of dollar notes. It is said that the deceased died +worth sixty-five pounds. + + *** + +One explanation for the many daylight robberies committed recently in +London is that several of our better-class burglars object to breaking +into people's houses like thieves in the night. + + *** + +Because a Highgate lodger refused to pay his rent, the landlady wrote +asking his wife to come and fetch him away. If he is not claimed in +three days he will be sold to defray expenses. + + *** + +Only a person with a perfectly healthy skin, says a contemporary, can +afford to face the keen winds without taking precaution. If you have +any doubts about your skin the best thing is to leave it at home on +the hat-rack. + + *** + +At a football match at South Hindley last week the referee was struck +in the mouth and severely injured by one of the backs, after ordering +three other players off the field for fighting. This, we understand, +was one of the first fixtures to be brought off under the auspices of +the Brighter Football League. + + *** + +The L.C.C. are said to be formulating a plan to meet the rush for +trains on the Underground. Personally we always try to avoid it. + + *** + +A medical journal refers to a new method of raising blisters by +hypnotic suggestion. This is said to be an improvement on the old East +End system of developing black eyes by back-answering. + + *** + +A defendant told the Tower Bridge magistrate that he only took whisky +when he had a cold. It must be hard work for him to resist sitting by +an open window this weather. + + *** + +A gold vase, said to have been stolen from Assyria 2478 years ago, +has just been found in a sarcophagus at Cairo. We understand that the +local police have been instructed to take action. + + *** + +The typist who, as reported in these columns last week, fell out of a +moving train on the Isle of Wight Railway and had quite a lot to say +to the guard when she overtook the train, is now understood to have +been told she could keep on walking if she liked. However, as her +people were not expecting her until the train arrived, she again +entered the carriage from which she had fallen. + + *** + +Russian soldiers are now permitted to smoke in the streets and to +travel in railway carriages. Later on it is hoped that the privilege +of dying a natural death may be extended to them. + + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _House-agent's Clerk_ (_to gentleman hunting for +a flat_). "NOW THEN, BE OFF WITH YOU. WE NEVER BUY ANYTHING FROM +ITINERANTS."] + + * * * * * + +THE CAM OFFENSIVE. + + Once more on Barnwell's fetid ooze, + Neglected these long years of slaughter, + In stolid tubs the Lenten crews + Go forth to flog the same old water. + + Fresh from the Somme's resilient phase, + From Flanders slime and bomb-proof burrows, + Much as we did in ancient days + They smite the Cam's repellent furrows. + + Their coaches sit the old, old gees, + But with a manner something larger, + As warriors who between their knees + Have learned to steer the bounding charger. + + Unchanged their language, rude and firm, + Save where a khaki note is sounded, + And here and there a towpath term + With military tags confounded. + + "Get forward! Are you ready? Quick-- + March!" "Get a move on! Keep it breezy!" + "Two, mind the step!" "Swing out and kick!" + "Halt! Sit at--ease! Ground--oars! Sit easy!" + + "The dressing's bad all down the line." + "Eyes on your front rank's shoulders, Seven! + Don't watch the Cam--it's not the Rhine-- + Or gaze for Gothas up in heaven!" + + "I want to hear your rowlocks ring + Like a good volley, all together." + "Hands up (or 'Kamerad') as you swing + Straight from the hips. Don't sky your feather, + + As if I'd given the word, 'High Port'!" + "Five, I admit your martial charms, Sir, + But now you're on a rowing-thwart, + So use your legs and not your arms, Sir!" + + "Six, you've a rotten seat, my son; + Don't trust your stirrups; grip the saddle!" + "Squad--properly at ease! Squad--'shun! + Get forward! By the centre--paddle!" + +O.S. + + * * * * * + +CAST. + +The auctioneer glanced at his book. "Number 29," he said, "black mare, +aged, blind in near eye, otherwise sound." + +The cold rain and the biting north-east wind did not add to the +appearance of Number 29, as she stood, dejected, listless, with head +drooping, in the centre of the farmers and horse-dealers who were +attending the sale of cast Army horses. She looked as though she +realised that her day had waned, and that the bright steel work, the +soft well-greased leather, the snowy head-rope and the shining curb +were to be put aside for less noble trappings. + +She had a curiously shaped white blaze, and I think it was that, added +to the description of her blindness, which stirred my memory within +me. I closed my eyes for a second and it all came back to me, the +gun stuck in the mud, the men straining at the wheels, the shells +bursting, the reek of high explosive, the two leaders lying dead on +the road, and, above all, two gallant horses doing the work of four +and pulling till you'd think their hearts would burst. + +I stepped forward and, looking closer at the mare's neck, found what +I had expected, a great scar. That settled it. I approached the +auctioneer and asked permission to speak to the crowd for a few +moments. + +"Well," said he, "I'm supposed to do the talking here, you know." + +"It won't do you any harm," I pleaded, "and it will give me a chance +to pay off a big debt." + +"Right," he said, smiling; "carry on." + +"Gentlemen," I said, "about this time a year ago I was commanding a +battery in France. It was during the bad days, and we were falling +back with the Hun pressing hard upon us. My guns had been firing all +the morning from a sunken road, when we got orders to limber up and +get back to a rear position. We hadn't had a bad time till then, a few +odd shells, but nothing that was meant especially for our benefit. +And then, just as we were getting away, they spotted us, and a battery +opened on us good and strong. By a mixture of good luck and great +effort we'd got all the guns away but one, when a shell landed just +in front of the leaders and knocked them both out with their driver; +at the same time the gun was jerked off the road into a muddy ditch. +Almost simultaneously another shell killed one of the wheelers, and +there we were with one horse left to get the gun out of the ditch and +along a road that was almost as bad as the ditch itself. + +"It looked hopeless, and it was on the tip of my tongue to give orders +to abandon the gun, when suddenly out of the blue there appeared on +the bank above us a horse, looking unconcernedly down at us. + +"In those days loose horses were straying all over the country, and +I took this to be one from another battery which had come to us for +company. + +"I turned to one of the men. 'Catch that mare quick.' + +"In a few minutes we had the harness off the dead wheeler and on the +new-comer. Pull? Gentlemen, if you could have seen those two horses +pull! + +"We'd just got a move on the gun when another shell came and seemed +to burst right on top of the strange mare. I heard a terrified squeal, +and through the smoke I saw her stagger and with a mighty effort +recover herself. I ran round and saw she'd been badly hit over the eye +and had a great tearing gash in the neck. We never thought she could +go on, but she pulled away just the same, with the blood pouring off +her, till finally we got the gun out and down the road to safety. + +"I got knocked out a few minutes later, and from that day to this I've +often wondered what had happened to the mare that had served us so +gallantly. I know now. There she stands before you. I'd know her out +of a thousand by the white blaze; and if there was a doubt there's her +blind eye and the scar on her neck. + +"That's all, gentlemen; but I'm going to ask the man who buys her to +remember her story and to see that her last days are not too hard." + +She fell at a good price to a splendid type of West Country farmer, +and the auctioneer whispered to me, "I'm glad old Carey's got her. +There's not a man in the county keeps his horses better." + +"Old Carey" came up to me as we were moving off. "I had a son in +France," he said, "in the gunners, too, but he hadn't the luck of the +old mare"--he hesitated a moment and his old eyes looked steadily into +mine--"for he'll never come back. The mare'll be all right, Sir," he +went on as he walked off, "easy work and full rations. I reckon she's +earned them." + + * * * * * + + "The bride was given away by her grandfather who was dressed + in Liberty satin in empire style, with hanging sleeves of + chiffon."--_Provincial Paper_. + +He must have looked a sweet old dear. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE GOOSE THAT LAYS THE GOLDEN EGGS. + +_The Bird_. "HAVE YOU REALISED, MY GOOD SIR, THAT IF YOU PROCEED TO +EXTREMES WITH THAT WEAPON MY AURIFEROUS ACTIVITIES MUST INEVITABLY +CEASE?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ECHO OF THE TUBE STRIKE. + +"TAKE YER UP TO THE CITY FOR 'ALF-A-QUID, GUV'NOR."] + + * * * * * + +THE ACUTE ANGLER. + +The Colonel of our Reserve Battalion has an almost unique reputation +as an angler. Scattered elements of the regiment carry his piscatorial +heroics to obscure corners of the earth. Majors on the Pushti Kuli +range recount the episode of the ingenuous troutling which, having +apparently conceived a violent passion for the Colonel, literally +forced itself upon the hook seven times within a short afternoon. +Captains on the Sultanitza Planina rehearse the epic incidents of +how the Colonel snatched victory from defeat after pursuing for three +miles an infuriated pike which had wrenched the very rod from his +grasp. Subalterns in the chill wilds of Cologne, adding picturesque +details to an already artistic story, relate how he hooked a mighty +veteran carp near Windsor, and played it for nine full hours (with a +rest of ten minutes after the first, and five after each successive +hour); how, under a full moon, he eventually grounded it on the +Blackfriars' mud and beached it with a last effort; how they lay +panting side by side for a space, and how, finally, with the courtesy +due to an honourable foe from a gallant victor, he forced neat brandy +down its throat and returned it to its domain in a slightly inebriated +but wholly grateful condition. + +Consequently the Colonel's announcement that in view of the armistice +he intended to spend three days in fishing the waters of a friend's +estate was received by the Mess with lively satisfaction. An +overwhelming fish diet was deprecated, but it was generally held that +the honour of the regiment was in some way involved, and the Major +felt it his duty to escort his senior officer on an expedition of such +gravity. + +It transpired that the first day was unfortunate. The Colonel was +silently impolite throughout Mess and retired immediately afterwards. +The Major explained that the conditions had been adverse. The punt +leaked at the end depressed by the Colonel and the ground-bait had +been left behind. The wind was fierce and cutting, and the brandlings +had been upset into the luncheon-basket. In addition the Colonel's +reel had escaped into the river and had declined to give itself up +until the whole length of line had been hauled in; and, in leaning +over the side to reclaim it, his gold fountain-pen had vanished. Five +hooks had failed to return from the deep and two were left suspended +from inaccessible branches; Also in the Major's opinion there was not +a single fish in the river. + +By breakfast the Colonel had regained his spirits. He commented on the +lack of support given him by the Major, and in his place invited the +Adjutant on the ground that he was probably less clumsy. He remarked +that the offensive had not yet opened and that the previous day had +been mainly devoted to a thorough reconnaissance of the whole sector. +He had reason to believe that the enemy was present in considerable +force. + +The second day proved equally unfortunate. The Colonel took his dinner +in private, and the Mess orderly, who had dismally cut the two of +clubs in the kitchen, returned from his ministrations a complete +nervous wreck. The Adjutant explained that misfortune had followed +misfortune. They had barely settled down midstream, and he was in +the act of extracting a hook from the Colonel's finger with his +jack-knife, when the punt broke from its moorings and carried them +half-a-mile downstream. It was uncanny how the craft had contrived to +navigate four bends without giving an opportunity of landing. In the +afternoon they had fished from the bank, and the Colonel had fallen +asleep while the Adjutant mounted guard. The Adjutant protested that +it was not his fault that the float suddenly disappeared, or that the +Colonel, on being vigorously awakened by him, struck so violently +at what proved to be a dead branch that he lost his footing and +tobogganned heavily into the river, and was compelled to waste three +hours in the neighbouring hostelry taking precautions against a chill. + +At breakfast next morning the Colonel intimated that on this his last +day he would go unaccompanied. With one eye on the Major and the other +on the Adjutant, he passed a few remarks on the _finesse_ of fishing. +The element of surprise should be the basis of attack. Precision and +absolute secrecy in the carrying out of preliminary operations was +vital. Every trick and every device of camouflage should be brought +into play. There should be no violent preliminary bombardment of +ground-bait to alarm the hostile forces, but the sector should be +unostentatiously registered on the preceding night. The enemy's first +realisation of attack should be at that moment when resistance was +futile--though for his part he preferred a foe that would fight to the +fish-basket, as it were. He thought the weather was vastly improved +and admitted that his hopes were high. + +In the evening the Colonel positively swaggered into Mess. He radiated +good fellowship and even bandied witticisms with the junior subaltern +in an admirable spirit of give-and-take. He had enjoyed excellent +sport. Later, in the ante-room, he delivered a useful little homily on +the surmounting of obstacles, on patience, on presence of mind and on +nerve, copiously illustrated from a day's triumph that will resound +on the Murman coast as the unconditional surrender of the intimidated +roach. He described how he had cunningly outmanoeuvred the patrols, +defeated the vigilance of the pickets, pierced the line of resistance, +launched a surprise attack on the main body, and spread panic in the +hearts of the hostile legions. + +Unhappily for us, common decency, he said, had forced him to present +his catch to his friend. + + * * * * * + + "Wanted, to kill time whilst waiting demobilisation, an old + gun, rifle, or pistol."--_Morning Paper_. + +Now we know why Time flies. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Barber_ (_carried away by his reminiscences_). "AND +WHEN HE'D LOOPED THE LOOP HE DID A NOSE-DIVE THAT FAIRLY TOOK YOUR +BREATH AWAY."] + + * * * * * + +THE TWOPENNY BIN. + +It was called _Greatheart_; or, _Samuel's Sentimental Side_; and I +think you will agree that it was a lot of title for twopence. Day +after day, as I fumbled among the old books in the Twopenny Bin of the +little secondhand bookseller's shop, that volume would wriggle itself +forward and worm its way into my hands; and I would clench my teeth +and thrust it to the remotest depths of the box. + +Then it haunted me. All day in my room I could hear _Greatheart_; or, +_Samuel's Sentimental Side_ calling out to me, "How would you like to +be in the Twopenny Bin?" + +I began to grow sentimental myself, and to handle those unconsidered +trifles with tenderness. For you never know; I might be in the +Twopenny Bin myself someday; might be picked up, just glanced at and +shifted back into the corner out of sight. + +Yesterday _Greatheart_ again found himself in my hands, and I looked +to see the date of his entry upon the world. I reflected on his sixty +years of life, on the many happy fireside hours that had been spent in +his company, on the gentle solace he had furnished to lesser hearts. + +I had decided what to do. There were few people about; the bookseller +was not looking, and, if offence it was, well, I could fall back on +the mercy of those who would judge. + +I leaned forward and tenderly deposited him in the Fourpenny Bin. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _The Visitor_. "BY JOVE, PERSEUS, I NEVER KNEW YOU WENT +IN FOR SCULPTURE. GOOD STUFF, TOO, BUT A TRIFLE REALISTIC." + +_Perseus_. "OH, JUST A HOBBY. BUT, BETWEEN OURSELVES, IT'S THE +MEDUSA'S HEAD THAT DOES IT. TURNS PEOPLE INTO STONE, AND THERE YOU +ARE."] + + * * * * * + +TO A DEAR DEPARTED. + + ["Georgina," the largest of the giant tortoises at the Zoo, + has died. She was believed to be about two hundred and fifty + years old.] + + Winds blow cold and the rain, Georgina, + Beats and gurgles on roof and pane; + Over the Gardens that once were green a + Shadow stoops and is gone again; + Only a sob in the wild swine's squeal, + Only the bark of the plunging seal, + Only the laugh of the striped hyaena + Muffled with poignant pain. + + Long ago, in the mad glad May days, + Woo'd I one who was with us still; + Bade him wake to the world's blithe heydays, + Leap in joyance and eat his fill; + Sang I, sweet as the bright-billed ousel, a + Paean of praise for thy pal, Methuselah. + Ah! he too in the Winter's grey days + Died of the usual chill. + + He was old when the Reaper beckoned, + Ripe for the paying of Nature's debt; + Forty score--if he'd lived a second-- + Years had flown, but he lingered yet; + But you had gladdened this vale of tears + For a bare two hundred and fifty years; + You, Georgina, we always reckoned + One of the younger set. + + Winter's cold and the influenza + Wreaked and ravaged the ranks among; + Bills that babbled a gay cadenza, + Snouts that snuffled and claws that clung-- + Now they whistle and root and run + In Happy Valleys beyond the sun; + Never back to the ponds and pens a + Sigh of regret is flung. + + Flaming parrots and pink flamingoes, + Birds of Paradise, frail as fair; + Monkeys talking a hundred lingoes, + Ring-tailed lemur and Polar bear-- + Somehow our grief was not profound + When they passed to the Happy Hunting Ground; + Deer and ducks and yellow dog dingoes + Croaked, but we did not care. + + But you--ah, you were our pride, our treasure, + Care-free child of a kingly race. + Undemonstrative? Yes, in a measure, + But every movement replete with grace. + Whiles we mocked at the monkeys' tricks + Or pored apart on the apteryx; + These could yield but a passing pleasure; + Yours was the primal place. + + How our little ones' hearts would flutter + When your intelligent eye peeped out, + Saying as plainly as words could utter, + "Hurry up with that Brussels-sprout!" + How we chortled with simple joy + When you bit that impudent errand-boy; + "That'll teach him," we heard you mutter, + "Whether I've got the gout." + + Fairest, rarest in all the Zoo, you + Bound us tight in affection's bond; + Now you're gone from the friends that knew you, + Wails the whaup in the Waders' Pond; + Wails the whaup and the seamews keen a + Song of sorrow; but you, Georgina, + Frisk for ever where warm winds woo you, + There, in the Great Beyond. + +ALGOL. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TECHNICALITIES OF DEMOBILISATION. + +_Officer_. "WHAT ARE THESE MEN'S TRADES OR CALLINGS, SERGEANT?" +_Sergeant_. "SLOSHER, SLABBER AND WUZZER, SIR."] + + * * * * * + +A CONTRA APPRECIATION. + +LORD NORTHCLIFFE has recently contributed a remarkably outspoken +criticism of Mr. LLOYD GEORGE by way of "send-off" to his latest +journal, _The New Illustrated_. The following extracts from an article +about to appear in _The Pacific Monthly_, kindly communicated to us by +wireless, seem to indicate that the PREMIER is indisposed to take it +lying down:-- + +"In a letter recently published without my authority I said that I +was unable to control or influence him. This was true at the time and +remains true now. Time and again have efforts been made to harness +his energies to the State, but they have never succeeded. The +responsibilities of office are irksome to his imperious temperament. +There is something almost tragic in a figure, equipped with the +qualities of an hereditary autocrat, endeavouring to accommodate +himself to the needs of a democracy. The spectacle of this purple +Emperor of the Press, with his ear constantly glued to the ground, +is not wanting in pathos. With him the idols of yesterday are the pet +aversions of to-day. He denounces me as 'a political chameleon, taking +on the colour of those who at the moment happen to be his associates.' +But what are you to say of a man who clamours for a saviour of the +situation and then turns him into a cock-shy; of a Napoleon who is +continually retiring to Elba when things are not going as he likes; +of a politician who claims the privileges but refuses the duties of a +Dictator? + +"It is obvious that he is still labouring under the hallucination that +the War was a duel between him and the KAISER; that he 'downed' his +antagonist single-handed, and that the prospects of a stable peace +have been shattered by my failure to include him among the British +Peace Delegates. So, all in a moment, the 'Welsh Wizard' is converted +into the miserable creature of the Tory Junkers--a man without 'high +moral courage,' 'wide knowledge' or 'large ideas.' + +"Personally I have no illusions about my consistency, but I _do_ +think that here I displayed some moral courage, also some unselfish +consideration for CLEMENCEAU and WILSON and others. Just think of the +panegyrics that would have been showered upon my head in the Press +which he controls if he had been invited to the Table! + +"But with all deductions he is a man to be reckoned with, if not +counted upon. He is a man of large type--almost of "Pica" type. And +sometimes he deviates into sound and just criticism; as for example +when he says that I 'depend greatly, upon others.' It is true. What is +more, I know on whom I can depend; and I have learnt that his support +can only be secured on terms which would reduce the PREMIER to the +level of one of his minor editors." + + * * * * * + +SHAKSPEARE WILL BE PLEASED. + + "CZECHO-SLOVAK REPUBLIC. + PROBLEM OF OUTLET TO SEA. + Port at Prague or Dantzig." + +--_Scottish Paper_. + + "... Our ship hath touch'd upon + The deserts of Bohemia." + +_The Winter's Tale, III_. 3. + + * * * * * + + "At the Dogger Bank fight, Lion, the flagship of Sir David + Beatty, was crippled. Some people say she was torpedoed, + almost miraculously, by a Hun destroyer from five miles' range + (which version is probably tripe)."--_Scottish Paper_. + +Like so many things that we read in the Press nowadays. + + * * * * * + +_NOUVELLES DE PARIS._ + +(_WITH ACKNOWLEDGMENTS TO THE "SOCIETY" PRESS_). + +_Paris, Feb., 1919._ + +Dearest POPPY,--_Que la vie est drole!_ Who was it said that there are +two great tragedies in life--not getting what you want, and getting +it? I never understood that saying until now. For instance, when I +left London most people I knew seemed to have a feverish desire to +get to Paris. They were ready to move heaven, earth and the Ministry +of Information to obtain the desired passport. They would go to any +lengths to prove how necessary their presence is here during the Peace +Conference. + +And now I find my countrymen over here longing with an equal +feverishness to go home again. _Ils s'attristent. Ils s'ennuient._ +They have _nostalgie_ in its acutest form. It quite goes to my heart +to hear the pathetic questions they put to newcomers: "How is London +looking? What shows are running now?" And they go on to speak of dear +dirty dark London, its beloved fogs, how adorable is the atrocious +climate of England, in a way that would bring tears to your eyes. Why +_don't_ they go back? you ask, _ma chere_. It's just because they want +to be "in at the death" and say they were here when _la paix etait +signee_. + +So these poor exiles continue to sacrifice themselves and drift +aimlessly about Paris, making it so full that there's scarcely room +for people like myself--who really _are_ on important work here--to +breathe. + +Imagine! I met Eleanor Dashgood on the Boulevard Haussmann to-day, +descending from her car with her two poms yapping at her heels, +just as if she were _chez elle_. I really felt like saying something +pointed; but, after all, my only comment was, "My dear, what a +_strange_ lot of people one meets in Paris nowadays!" + +"Yes, dearest," she said, "that just occurred to me, too." I'm +wondering now what the creature meant. Believe me, my dear, that +woman has illegally wangled a passport out of the authorities by +representing herself as her husband's typist--he's got a diplomatic +passport, you know. I inquired if the maid she had brought with +her had turned into a typist, too, to say nothing of the poms. The +_toupet_ of some people! + +And, of course, all this unnecessary rabble is helping to make +everything _horriblement cher_. The price of things makes one's hair +stand on end like the quills of the fretful porcupine. I can assure +you that _le moindre petit diner coute les yeux de la tete_. Poor +Bobbie Lacklands had a _tragic_ experience yesterday. He said he quite +unthinkingly dropped into that most _recherche_ of eating places, +Fouquet's, for a snack. With only a modest balance at the bank he +ordered a sardine. Then he called for a _filet mignon_ and half-a-pint +of _vin rouge_--he was always a reckless spendthrift sort of boy, you +know. A cup of _cafe noir_ and an apple completed his financial ruin. + +But he still declares that they were most awfully decent to him about +it. They agreed, with scarcely any trouble, to take all the notes and +loose silver he had with him on account. They accepted his securities +and are now allowing him to pay off the balance gradually. + +Paris is beginning to think of dress once more, or I ought to say +undress, for with the skirts short and the sleeves short and the +bodice low there isn't _very_ much left to write about. I hope these +short tight skirts will reach the ankles before they reach England, +for I notice the people who have the courage to wear them generally +lack the excuse of symmetry. + +_Figurez-vous!_ Jenny Bounceley, who considers herself quite a +_Parisienne_ now she's got her official _carte d'alimentation_, +appeared the other day in a skirt that resembled the _jupe_ of a +_gamine_. I think it's disgraceful in one of her age and proportions. +If she were simply knock-kneed; but, as Bertie says, she's +knock-ankled as well. + +_Votre bien devouee_, + +ANNE. + + * * * * * + +"RUMANIA. REDIDIVUS." + +_East African Standard_. + +To judge from the rumours of revolution, this false concord is only +too apt. + + * * * * * + + "Music was supplied and enjoyed by a local + orchestra."--_Provincial Paper_. + +This phenomenon has frequently been observed; the audience meanwhile +continuing its conversation. + + * * * * * + + "Colonel Sir Rhys Williams, who wore his khaki uniform, moved + the Address in reply to the Speech from the Throne.... + + It was not the glamour of war, Mr. Rhys Williams + continued...."--_Evening Standard_. + +It is refreshing to come across a case of really rapid demobilisation. + + * * * * * + + "A message from Vienna states that the Emperor Carl intends to + be a candidate in the forthcoming elections for the Australian + National Assembly."--_Australian Paper_. + +But there is no truth in the rumour that, by way of reprisal, Mr. +HUGHES intends to put in for CARL's vacant throne. + + * * * * * + +RIME FAIRIES. + + Last night about the country-side + The nimble fairies flew, + And forests on the latticed pane + In quaint devices drew, + The grasses standing straight and tall, + The ferns with curious frond, + And just a peephole left to show + The misty world beyond. + + The voices of the murmuring streams + They silenced one by one, + And bound their feet with gleaming chains + So they no more could run; + They hung the icicles about, + And you would laugh to see + Just how they flung the diamonds down + Upon the whole bare tree; + And every little blade of grass + A thing of beauty stood, + And when they'd finished it was just + Like an enchanted wood. + + They paused beside the old barn door; + A spider's web hung there + As fragile as a little dream, + As delicate and fair; + They decked it with a thousand gems + Of oh! such dazzling sheen, + It was the very loveliest thing + That you have ever seen! + + The sun from his soft bed of cloud + Came pale and timidly; + He knew if he let loose his rays + The mischief there would be; + He woke the sleeping world to life + With finger-tips of gold, + And up from meadow, wood and stream + The shimmering mists unrolled; + He lit the candles of the dawn + On every bush and tree; + The fairies on their homing wings + Looked back and laughed with glee, + "We've made a Fairyland for you, + O Mortals, wake and see." + + * * * * * + + "It is also extremely likely that the Democrats have induced + a considerable number of former Centre voters in South Germany + to join them."--_Christian World_. + +"Democrats" would seem to be the German equivalent of "Home Rulers." + + * * * * * + +Extract from a recent novel:-- + + "She wore under it a white blouse of thin stuff, snowy white + ... the big floppy sleeves gently bellowed in the slight + breeze." + +It sounds rather a loud dress. Possibly _le dernier cri_. + + * * * * * + + "It is like a red rag to a bull to the 'bus drivers to see + those lorries running about picking up members of the public. + + We are trying to keep our heads, but our shoulders are bending + under the pressure, and presently, I am afraid, we shall + collapse and find ourselves in the vortex."--_Daily Paper_. + +We should like to see this situation illustrated. Would some Vorticist +oblige? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE MAN WHO GOT HIS MONEY'S WORTH.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _The Demobilised One_. "SEEMS FUNNY TO THINK THAT ONLY +LAST WEEK I WAS WALKING ABOUT LOOKING LIKE THAT, EH?"] + + * * * * * + +LITERARY OPTIONS. + +In these days of ever-increasing strikes it is suggested, for the +convenience of contributors to those magazines which of necessity +go to press some time in advance, that they should submit to editors +stories with interchangable situations:-- + + Algernon Aimless rose { lazily } from the breakfast-table + { hastily} + + at { 9 A.M. } on a dark winter's morning { in order + { 7 A.M. } { in preparation + + { to catch the 9.15 to his office in the City. } + { for his four-mile trudge to the City (Tube strike). } + + The { electric lights gleamed with dazzling brilliance } + { solitary candle shed a dismal light (Electricians' strike) } + + on the { well-polished } china, silver and table cutlery + { neglected } + + which { were the joy and pride of the admirable parlourmaid. } + { no servants' hands had touched for weeks + (Domestic servants' strike). } + + { had glanced casually at his letters. } + { had had no letters to read (Postmen's strike). } + + As he stood in the { spotlessly kept and charming } hall, + { dusty discomfort of the dark } + + arranging his { sleek well-brushed brown hair } + { long untidy hair (Barbers' strike) } before + + putting on his hat, Ermyntrude Aimless { glided } + { bounced } + + { gracefully down the staircase, clad in a charming + { breathlessly up from the basement, wearing an old + + { _negligee_ of satin and lace. } + { over-all above her dressing-gown. } + + { "A handkerchief, dearest," she murmured. "I was afraid + { "Your sandwiches, old thing," she gasped. "I believe + + you'd forgotten { to take one;" } and she held out in her + { about 'em;" } + + { white delicately--manicured hand a silk handkerchief + { none-too-clean hand an untidy brown-paper parcel which + + { of palest mauve, exquisitely scented. } + { contained his luncheon (Restaurant strike). } + +NOTE TO INTENDING AUTHORS.--This is not supposed to be a complete +story, but just gives you the idea. + + * * * * * + +AT PARIS PLAGE. + + Oft have I begged the high gods for a boon, + That they would bear me from the Flanders slosh + Back to a desert _not_ made by the Bosch, + The sunny Egypt that I left too soon. + O silvery nights beneath an Eastern moon! + O shirt-sleeved days! O small infrequent wash! + O once again to see the nigger "nosh" + The camel, rudely grunting (out of tune)! + Loudly I called; the high gods hearkened not + Till came the signal and the big guns ceased; + But then they brought me to this sea-kissed spot, + Heeded my prayer and gave me back at least + One of the pleasures that of old I knew, + For here once more there's sand within the stew. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: GIVING HIM ROPE? + +GERMAN CRIMINAL (_to Allied Police_). "HERE, I SAY, STOP! YOU'RE +HURTING ME! [_Aside_] IF I ONLY WHINE ENOUGH I MAY BE ABLE TO WRIGGLE +OUT OF THIS YET."] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Tuesday, February 11th_.--The KING's Speech outlined a programme +of legislation which would in the ordinary way occupy two or three +Sessions. But the Parliamentary machinery is to be ruthlessly speeded +up and "a short cut to the Millennium" is to be discovered by way +of the Committee-rooms. Precisians observed with regret that the +customary reference in the Speech to "economy" had by some oversight +been omitted; and the prospective creation of several additional +Departments led Lord CREWE to express apprehension lest the country +should be "doped" with new Ministries, to the detriment of the +national health. + +[Illustration: THE OPPOSITION FREAK. + +THE ADAMSON-MACLEAN COMBINATION.] + +"Where are they gone, the old familiar faces?" was the question +one asked oneself on looking at the crowded benches of the House of +Commons. It was said of a Past President of the United States that he +was the politest man in America--"he gave up his seat in a street-car +and made room for four ladies." The gap made on the Front Opposition +Bench by the involuntary retirement of Mr. ASQUITH--to which generous +allusion was made by the PRIME MINISTER--is so vast that the joint +efforts of Sir DONALD MACLEAN and Mr. ADAMSON to fill it met with only +partial success. Unless, by the way, Mr. SPEAKER definitely decides +the problem of precedence, it is to be feared that the hoped-for +acceleration of business will not occur, for at present each of them +thinks it necessary to speak whenever the other does, like the hungry +lions on Afric's burning shore. For all their outward politeness I am +sure "the first lion thinks the last a bore"; and if they insist on +roaring together much longer the House will think it of both of them. + +The corner-seat whence Mr. PRINGLE flung his barbed darts at the +Government is filled, physically, by Mr. STANTON. Lonely Mr. HOGGE now +sits uneasily upon the Front Opposition Bench, but, fearing perhaps +lest its dignified traditions should cramp his style, makes frequent +visits to the Lobby. + +In accordance with ancient custom Sir COURTENAY ILBERT asserted the +right of the House to initiate legislation by calling out "Outlawries +Bill" in the middle of the SPEAKER's recital of the Sessional Orders. +Some of the new Members, I fancy, took the interruption seriously, +and thought that this was the outcome of the "Punish the KAISER." +movement. + +The Mover and Seconder of the Address fully deserved the customary +compliments. Col. Sir RHYS WILLIAMS' quiet and effective style +explained his success as a picker-up of recruits; while Lt.-Commander +DEAN, V.C., though he faced the House with much more trepidation than +he did the batteries of Zeebrugge, got well home at the finish. + +[Illustration: SOUTH HACKNEY'S CHAMPION.] + +The lot of a Labour leader just now is not a happy one. Perhaps that +accounted for the querulous tone assumed by Mr. ADAMSON, who seemed +more concerned with the omissions in the KING's Speech than with its +contents. His best sayings were imported from America, but he would +have done better to content himself with LINCOLN and abjure BRYAN, +whose "cross-of-gold" fustian will not bear repetition. + +After Sir DONALD MACLEAN had thoughtfully provided a welcome tea +interval the PRIME MINISTER rose to reply to his critics. The +accusation that he had forgotten some of his recent promises, such +as "No Conscription," "Punish the Kaiser," and "Germany must pay," +did not trouble him much. If these election-eggs had hatched +out prematurely and the contents were coming home to roost at an +inconvenient moment he had no time to attend to them. What the country +most needs at the moment is a firm clear statement on the Labour +troubles, and that is what it got. So far as those troubles are due +to remediable causes they shall be remedied; so far as the demands of +Labour are based upon class-greed they shall be fought tooth and nail. +There were a few dissentient shouts from the Opposition Benches, but +the House as a whole was delighted when the PREMIER in ringing tones +declared that "no section, however powerful, will be allowed to hold +up the whole nation." + +_Wednesday, February 12th_.--The Lords had a brisk little debate on +agriculture. Lord LINCOLNSHIRE paid many compliments to Lord ERNLE +for what he had accomplished as Mr. PROTHERO, but could not understand +why, having exchanged the green benches for the red, he should have +reversed his old policy, "scrapped" the agricultural committees and +begun to dispose of his tractors. Lord ERNLE, in the measured tones +so suitable to the Upper House, made a good defence of the change. The +chief thing wanted now was to "clean the land," where noxious weeds, +the Bolshevists of the soil, had been spreading with great rapidity. +As for the tractors, the Board thought it a good thing that the +farmers should possess their own, but would retain in its own hands +enough of them to help farmers who could not help themselves--not a +large class, I imagine, with produce at its present prices. + +In the Commons an hour was spent in discussing the Government's +now customary motion to take all the time of the House. Up got Mr. +ADAMSON, to denounce it, now the War was over, as sheer Kaiserism. Up +got Sir DONALD MACLEAN to defend it as commonsense, though he induced +Mr. BONAR LAW to limit its duration to the end of March. Colonel +WEDGWOOD pleaded that private Members might still be allowed to bring +in Bills under the Ten Minutes' Rule; but that Parliamentary pundit, +Sir F. BANBURY, asserted that there was no such thing in reality as +the Ten Minutes' Rule, and pictured the possibility of whole days +being swallowed up by a succession of private Members commending their +legislative bantlings one after another with the brief explanatory +statement permitted on such occasions. Alarmed at the prospect Mr. LAW +decided not to admit the thin end of the WEDGWOOD. + +[Illustration: ELEMENTARY ECONOMICS.] + +The debate on the Address was resumed by Mr. BOTTOMLEY, who had a +large audience. During his previous membership, terminated by one of +those periodical visits to the Law Courts to which he made humorous +reference, he delivered some capital speeches; and it was pleasant +to find that the necessity of constantly producing "another powerful +article next week" has not caused him to lose his oratorical form. +His gestures are slightly reminiscent of the action of the common +pump-handle, but his voice is excellent, and his matter has the merit +of exactly resembling what our old friend "the Man in the Street" +would say in less Parliamentary language, He has no hesitations, for +example, on the subject of making Germany pay. By one of those rapid +financial calculations for which he is renowned he has arrived at +the comfortable figure of ten thousand millions sterling as Britain's +little bill; and if you express doubts as to the debtor's capacity +to pay he replies that he cannot recall any judge who made an order +against him ever prefacing his judgment with an inquiry whether it +would be convenient for him to find the money. + +Payment in kind is Mr. RONALD McNEILL's prescription. Let Leipzig +library replenish the empty shelves of Louvain and the windows of +Cologne make good--so far as German glass can do it--the shattered +glories of Rheims. + +Mr. CLYNES warned the Government against neglecting the legitimate +aspirations of Labour, one of which, he had the courage to affirm, was +access to more and better beer. He also sought a clear statement of +the Government's policy in Russia. This request was repeated by Sir +SAMUEL HOARE, who, having spent a year and a half during the War +in that distracted country, declared that "we must decide between +Bolshevists and anti-Bolshevists." Unfortunately that is exactly what, +according to the PRIME MINISTER's reply, we cannot do. The Allies +are not prepared to intervene in force; they cannot leave Russia to +stew in Her own hell-broth. The proposed Conference is admittedly a +_pis-aller_; and, if it ever meets, no one can feel very hopeful of a +tangible result from the deliberations of the Prinkipotentiaries. + +_Thursday, February 13th_.--Labour unrest produced a capital debate, +in which Mr. BRACE, Mr. THOMAS and Mr. SEXTON made excellent speeches +on the one side, and Major TRYON, Mr. REMER (an employer and a +profit-sharer) and Mr. BONAR LAW were equally effective on the other. +Brushing aside minor causes the Leader of the House, in his forthright +manner, said the root of the matter was that "Labour wants a larger +share of the good things which are to be obtained in this world"--not +an unreasonable desire, he indicated, but one which would not be +permanently realised by strikes directed against the whole community. +Mr. SEDDON, of the National Democratic Party, compressed the same +argument into an epigram. If the miners' full demands were conceded +they would have "an El Dorado for one minute and disaster the next." + + * * * * * + +FROST AND THAW. + +I was earlier than usual that morning, which was bad luck, as I +heard Fitz-Jones click his gate behind me and thud after me in his +snow-boots. Fitz-Jones and I had a little disagreement, not long ago, +about the sole possession of a servant-maid. Since then there has +been a coolness. Curiously enough, the hideous frost that raged at the +moment (the thermometer stood at twenty-five degrees in the henhouse) +seemed to thaw Fitz-Jones. And I knew why. + +Last summer Fitz-Jones had spent four torrid days with the thermometer +at 75 degrees, winding up his pipes in straw "against" the winter. I +had seen his purple face as I hammocked it with an iced drink. He had +seen and heard me laugh. + +"Ah," he croaked, "you may laugh on the other side of the hedge now, +but you'll laugh on the other side of your face later." + +So now I knew that he was thudding after me in the snow, bursting to +hear that my pipes had burst or were about to burst. + +"Hallo, Browne," he began, "how'd you like this?" + +"Oh, all right," I said airily. Here I did a wonderful step. Slide +on the right heel--hesitation shuffle on the left toe--two half +slips sideways. Wave both arms--backward bend. Recover. +Jazz--tangle--tickle-toe was nothing to it. + +"Slippery, isn't it?" he said. "My flannel was frozen to the +wash-stand to-day--had to get it off with a chisel." + +I was prepared for these travellers' tales. I knew he was leading up +to water-pipes. + +"Couldn't get my cold tub," he went on; "frozen solid overnight." + +I had heard of this cold tub before. "My tooth-brush froze on to my +teeth," I capped him; "the teapot spout was hung with icicles, and the +cat's tongue froze on to the milk when it was drinking." + +"How about your pipes?" he began, "Who was right about wrapping?" + +"Rapping," I said in well-feigned innocence--"rapping? Who rapped? +Rapped on what?" + +That set him going. + +I gathered when we reached the station there was a strike on. But we +found a milk-lorry travelling our way. So Smith had the entire use of +my right ear into which to say, "I told you so," for an hour, while we +travelled to the spot on which we win our bread. He had dragged from +me the fact that our hot-water tap had also struck. The milk cans +clattered. Smith chattered. So did my teeth. + +When I got home that night our house seemed to be more handsomely +garnished with icicles than any other house I had seen that day. + +"Keep the home fires burning!" I said to my wife on entering. "If need +be, burn the banisters and the bills and my boot-trees and everything +else beginning with a 'b.' Keep us thawed and unburst, or Fitz-Jones +will feel he has scored a moral victory; he will strut cross-gartered, +with yellow stockings, for the rest of his days." + +"I don't know what you are talking about," said Evangeline, "but +Christabel and I" (Christabel is our general-in-command) "have been +cosseting those pipes all day. Been giving them glasses of hot water +and dressing them up in all our clothes. The bath-pipe is wearing my +new furs and your pyjamas, and I've put your golf stockings on the +geyser-pipe. I expect they'll all blow up. Come and look at the +hot-water cistern." + +The cistern looked dressy in Evangeline's fur coat. I added my silk +hat to the geyser's cosy costume and a pair of boots on the bath-taps. +But I was told not to be silly, so took them off again. + +I suggested that the geyser should go to a fancy-dress ball as "The +Winter of our Discontent," but was again told not to be silly. + +Two days elapsed. The frost held. Then something happened. +Fitz-Jones's lady-help came round at 7.30 A.M. to borrow a drop of +water, as they were frozen up. + +We lent them several drops, and I breathed again, and continued to +breathe, with snorts of derision. + +Three days later the thaw came. + +As I passed Fitz-Jones's house I was grieved to hear a splashing +sound. A cascade of water was spouting from his bathroom window. +Fitz-Jones himself was running round and round the house like a +madman, flourishing a water-key and trying to find the tap to the +main. + +I begged him to be calm, to control himself for his wife's sake, for +all our sakes. I was most graceful and sympathetic about it. + +But with the thaw Fitz-Jones had frozen again. + + * * * * * + + "Civil Servant requires house."--_Local Paper_. + +On the other hand, many houses just now require a civil servant. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Lady_. "YOU COME HERE BEGGING AND SAY YOU ARE NOT +EXPECTED TO DO ANY MORE WORK. I NEVER HEARD OF SUCH A THING." + +_Tramp_. "THEN I'VE BEEN MISINFORMED, LIDY. I CERTAINLY 'EARD +THAT AFTER THE WAR ENGLAND WAS GOIN' TER BE A BETTER PLACE FER THE +LABOURING CLASSES."] + + * * * * * + +PAST AND PRESENT. + +(_AFTER_ T. HOOD.) + + I remember, I remember. + The line where I was borne, + The little platform where the train + Came rushing in at morn; + I used to take a little seat + Upon the little train, + But now before I get at it + It rushes out again. + + I remember, I remember + The 'buses red and white, + The corner where they used to stop + And take me home at night; + They never gave a wink at me + And shouted, "Full to-day," + But now I often wish that one + Would carry me away. + + I remember, I remember + The cabs we used to get, + The growler from the "Adam Arms" + (The horse is living yet); + My spirit was impatient then, + That is so meek to-day, + And now I often think that that + Would be the quickest way. + + I remember, I remember + The lights against the sky; + I used to think that London would + Be closer by-and-by; + It was a childish ignorance, + But now 'tis little joy + To know I'm farther from the Strand + Than when I was a boy. + +A.P.H. + + * * * * * + +CUE TYPES. + +At the present moment, when the billiard professionals are contesting +the palm and Mr. S.H. FRY has re-captured the title of amateur +champion seven-and-twenty years after he first won it, there is such +interest in the game that a kind of _Guide to Billiard Types_ cannot +but be of value. Hence the following classification of players who +are to be met with in clubs, country-houses or saloons by any ordinary +wielders of the cue. Any reader who has ever endeavoured to master +what may be called (by way of inversion) the Three Balls Art has power +to add to their number. + +The player who, as he drops behind in the game, says so often that it +is months since h" touched a cue that your success is robbed of all +savour. + +The player who is funny and calls the red the Cherry, the Robin, the +Cardinal or the Lobster. + +The player who comes to the game as to a solemn ritual and neither +smiles nor speaks. + +The player who keeps on changing his cue and blames each one in turn +for his own ineptitude. + +The player who can use his left hand as well as his right: a man to be +avoided. + +The player who whistles while he plays. This is a very deadly +companion. + +The player who never has a good word for his opponent's efforts. + +The player who congratulates you on every stroke: a charming +antagonist. + +The player who is always jolly whatever buffets he receives from +fortune. + +The player who talks about every one of his strokes. + +The player who swears at most of them. + +The player who doubts the accuracy of your scoring. Avoid this one. + +The player who hits everything too hard. This is a very exasperating +man to meet because fortune usually favours him. Either he flukes +immoderately or he does not leave well. He is usually a hearty fellow +with no sense of shame. Perhaps he says "Sorry;" but he adds, "It must +have been on." + +The player who hits everything too gently: the lamb as compared with +the previous type, who is a lion. The lamb is good to play with if you +prefer winning to a real contest. + +The player who groans loudly when you make a fluke. + +The player who is accustomed to play on a much faster table than this. + +The player who calls the game Pills. + +The player who calls it Tuskers. + +The player who counts your breaks for you, but whether from interest +or suspicion you are not sure. + +The player who pots the white when he should and says nothing about +it. + +The player who pots the white when he should, with a thousand +apologies. + +The player who pots the white when he shouldn't, with a thousand +apologies. + +The player who is snappy with the marker. + +The player who drops cigar ash on the cloth. + +The player who hates to lose. + +The player who would much rather that you won. This type is a joy to +play with, unless towards the end he too patently ceases to try. + +The player who, after the stroke, tells you what you ought to have +done. + +The player who talks to the balls, particularly to the red. "Now then, +red," he says, "don't go into baulk;" or, "Stop just by that pocket;" +or "White, don't go down." + +The player who has just come from a spectacular match and keeps on +trying to reproduce that shot of STEVENSON's. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Ministry Official_. "No NEED TO SCREEN THE LIGHTS +_NOW_, MY BOY. D'YOU THINK THE WAR'S STILL ON?" + +_Infatuated Office Boy_. "I WAS JUST TRYING TO MAKE MISS JENKINS A BIT +OF TOAST, SIR."] + + * * * * * + + "In a licensing prosecution at ---- yesterday it was stated + that one shilling was charged for a 'drop' of whisky of about + one-sixth of a gallon."--_Daily Paper_. + +In the interests of temperance we have suppressed the name of the town +at which this bargain was secured. + + * * * * * + +CONTRACTS. + +It was shortly after the commencement of the March offensive that +it was decided to open new munition works in Glenwhinnie, N.B. The +contract for building was offered to the well-known firm of McTavish, +McTurk & McThom, of Auchterinver. + +They accepted. With thanks. + +And so it came about that, early in April, Glenwhinnie, N.B. became +the scene of great activity. Men bearing strange instruments came and +took extensive measurements; large bodies of gentlemen in corduroys, +armed with powerful implements indicative of toil, arrived and smoked +clay pipes; a special light railway was rapidly constructed, and bore +colossal cranes and more gentlemen with clay pipes to the scene of +action. And Mr. McTurk went in person to open the proceedings. + +In a speech pulsating with patriotism, Mr. McTurk exhorted his men to +do their best for their King and country, and show everybody what the +firm of McTavish, McTurk & McThom could do. He then departed, leaving +things in the hands of a dozen subordinates well tried and true ... + +And so by the early days of June the work began ... + +Came November 11th ... + +November 20th it was decided that the new works in Glenwhinnie, N.B., +would not be necessary after all. + +What was to be done? + +A special committee decided that the buildings should be demolished, +and the contract was offered to the well-known firm of McClusky, +McCleery & McClumpha, of Auchtermuchty. + +They accepted. With thanks. + +And so it came about that a second army of occupation descended upon +Glenwhinnie, N.B. Fresh bodies of gentlemen in corduroys and armed +with a rather different set of powerful implements arrived, and smoked +clay pipes. Another light railway was rapidly constructed, and Mr. +McCleery went in person to open the proceedings. In a speech full of +fervour ... + +And so by early January the work commenced. + +By this time Messrs. McTavish and Co. had got the buildings well in +hand. What was to be done? Leave their work uncompleted? Never! As +Mr. McThom pointed out with considerable emotion to his partners, a +contract was a contract all the world over. + +If it ever came to be said that any firm he was interested in had +failed to fulfil a contract, he for one (Angus McThom) would never +hold up his head. The contract must be completed. It was a sacred +duty. Besides--a minor point--what about payment? + +So Mr. McTurk was despatched to Glenwhinnie, N.B., where in a speech +of great power he pointed out the path of duty. + +Amid scenes of enthusiasm the work went on apace. + +And at the other end the well-known firm of McClusky, McCleery & +McClumpha tore down the buildings with equal enthusiasm. + +And that is the state of affairs just now in Glenwhinnie, N.B. What +will happen when--as they are bound to do--the wreckers overtake the +builders is a matter for speculation. Mr. McTurk may make another +speech. Possibly Mr. McCleery may also exhort. There is promise of a +delicate situation. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "AND ARE YOU A GOOD NEEDLEWOMAN AND RENOVATOR, AND +WILLING TO BE USEFUL?" + +"MADAM, I AM AFRAID THERE IS SOME MISUNDERSTANDING. I AM A LADY'S +MAID--NOT A USEFUL MAID."] + + * * * * * + +THE STOICS OF THE SERPENTINE. + + I, for my part, admire + The snug domestic fire, + The comfortable hearth, the glowing coals, + Nor in the least aspire + To emulate those strong heroic souls + Who get up while it's dark + And haste to chill ablutions in Hyde Park. + + It can't be very nice + To break the solid ice + And, like a walrus, plunge into the deep; + Then jump out in a trice, + Dissevering the icicles as you leap, + Even though the after-glow + Of virtue melts the circumjacent snow. + + And we of milder mould, + And we who're growing old, + Wish they would wash, like other folk, elsewhere; + It makes us feel quite cold + To think of them refrigerating there; + We shiver in our beds; + Our pitying molars chatter in our heads. + + * * * * * + +"THE DOVER PATROL. + + VINDICTIVE MEN AS PROGRAMME SELLERS."--_Times_. + +After what men have suffered from the flag-day sex, no wonder they get +vindictive when they have a chance of retaliation. + + * * * * * + + "The causes of the engineers' strike in London are a little + obscure, but the stoppage of the ten minutes allowed for tea + before the 47-hour day was introduced brought the men out from + one motor works."--_Provincial Paper_. + +The great objection to a day of this length is that it gives so little +scope for overtime. + + * * * * * + + "The Association for the Betterment of the Highlands and + Islands of the Free Church of Scotland have prepared and + presented to the Secretary for Scotland a memorandum on the + reconstruction of the Highlands."--_Scots Paper_. + +We have always thought that judicious thinning of the more congested +views would help the tourist. + + * * * * * + + "The men who had watched the daily search set up a cheer, + ffi---- ----fl."--_Sunday Paper_. + +We hope the cheer was more hearty than it appears at first sight. + + * * * * * + +A CONSULTATION. + + _Persons of the dialogue_: Arthur Pillwell, M.D., _a + fashionable physician;_ Henry Swallow, _a patient. The scene + is laid in_ Dr. Pillwell's _consulting-room--a solid room, + heavily furnished. A large writing-table occupies the centre + of the scene. There are a few prints on the walls; two + bookcases are solidly filled with medical books._ Dr. Pillwell + _is seated at the writing-table. He rises to greet his + patient._ + +_Dr. P._ Good morning, Mr. ---- (_He looks furtively at a notebook +lying open on the table_) Mr.--ah--Swallow. + +_Mr. S._ (_thinking to himself: Ought I to call this Johnnie "Doctor," +or not? I'm told they're very particular about a thing like that. +Like a fool, I never gave it a thought. Still, I can't go so very far +wrong if I call him "Doctor." Besides, he's got to be called "Doctor" +whether he likes it or not. Here goes._) (_Aloud_) Good morning, Dr. +Pillwell. I've been troubled with some symptoms which I can't quite +make out. I think I described them in my letter. (_To himself: They +made several doctors Knights of the British Empire, and I'm almost +certain Pillwell was one of them. Sir John Pillwell. Yes, it sounds +all right; but I shan't call him "Sir John" because if he isn't a +knight he might think I was trying to make fun of him and then he +might retaliate by calling me "Sir Henry," and I should hate that_). +(_Aloud_) The chief symptoms are a steady loss of appetite and a +disinclination to work. I was recommended to consult you by my friend, +Mr. Bolter, as I think I explained in my letter. + +_Dr. P._ It's curious how prevalent these symptoms are at the present +moment. I think, if you don't mind, I will begin by taking your +temperature. + + [_Produces clinical thermometer and gives it three good + jerks._ + +_Mr. S._ (_to himself: There--I knew he'd want to put one of those +infernal machines in my mouth. I simply loathe the feeling of them, +and I'm always on the verge of crunching them up. Perhaps I ought to +warn him._) (_Aloud_) I'm afraid I'm not much good as a thermometer +man. + +_Dr. P._ Oh, it's a mere trifle. All you've got to do is just to hold +it under your tongue. There--it's in. + +_Mr. S._ (_talking with difficulty_). Ish i' in 'e ri' plashe? + +_Dr. P._ Yes. But don't try to talk while it's in your mouth. I've had +patients who've bitten it in two. There--that's enough. (_Extracts it +deftly from patient's mouth and examines it._) Hum, hum, yes. A point +below normal. Nothing violently wrong _there_. (_He now performs the +usual rites and mysteries._) I'll make you out a little prescription +which ought to put you all right. And if you can spare a week, and +spend it at Eastbourne, I don't think it will do you any harm. + +_Mr. S._ (_To himself: I like this man. He doesn't waste any time. +It's a curious coincidence that I should have been thinking this +very morning of arranging a visit to the seaside. Now of course I've +absolutely got to go. Can't disobey my new doctor, and wouldn't if I +could. By Jove, I'd all but forgotten about the two guineas fee. Yes, +the cheque's in my breast-pocket. Two guineas for the first visit. +The rule is not to give it too openly, but to slip it on to a desk +or table as if you were half ashamed of it. Where shall I put it so +as to make sure he spots it out of the corner of his eye? Ha! on the +blotting-pad, which I can just reach. Does it with his left hand, and +feels a man once more._) + +_Dr. P._ And here's your prescription. + +_Mr. S._ Thank you a thousand times. (_To himself: He's edging up to +the blotting-pad, and he'll have the cheque in another second._) + + * * * * * + +TO A CHINESE COOLIE. + + O happy Chink! When I behold thy face, + Illumined with the all-embracing smile + Peculiar to thy celestial race, + So full of mirth and yet so free from guile, + I stand amazed and let my fancy roam, + And ask myself by what mysterious lure + Thou wert induced to leave thy flowery home + For Flanders, where, alas! the flowers are fewer. + + Oft have I marked thee on the Calais quay, + Unloading ships of plum-and-apple jam, + Or beef, or, three times weekly, M. and V., + And sometimes bacon (very rarely ham); + Or, where St. Quentin towers above the plain, + Have seen thee scan the awful scene and sigh, + Pick up a spade, then put it down again + And wipe a furtive tear-drop from thine eye. + + And many a Sabbath have I seen thee stride + With stately step across the Merville Square, + Beaming with pleasure, full of conscious pride, + Breaking the hearts of all the _jeunes filles_ there; + A bowler hat athwart thy stubborn locks + And round thy neck a tie of brilliant blue, + Thy legs in football shorts, thy feet in socks + Of silken texture and vermilion hue. + + Impassive Chu (or should I call thee "Chow"?), + Say, what hast thou to do with all this fuss, + The ceaseless hurry and the beastly row, + The buzzing plane and roaring motor-bus, + While far away the sullen Hwang-ho rolls + His lazy waters to the Eastern Sea, + And sleepy mandarins sit on bamboo poles + Imbibing countless cups of China tea? + + A year ago thou digged'st in feverish haste + Against the whelming onset of the Hun + A hundred miles of trench across the waste-- + A year ago--and now the War is won; + But thou remainest still with pick and spade, + Celestial delver, patient son of toil! + To fill the trenches thou thyself hast made + And roll the twisted wire-in even coil. + + But not for thee the glory and the praise, + The medals or the fat gratuity; + No man shall crown thee with a wreath of bays + Or recommend thee for the O.B.E.; + And thou, methinks, wouldst rather have it so, + Provided that, without undue delay, + They let thee take thy scanty wage and go + Back to thy sunny home in Old Cathay; + + Where never falls a shell nor bursts a bomb, + Nor ever blows the slightest whiff of gas, + Such as was not infrequent in the Somme, + But on thy breast shall lean some slant-eyed lass; + And she shall listen to thy converse ripe + And search for souvenirs among thy kit, + Pass thee thy slippers and thy opium pipe + And make thee glad that thou hast done thy bit. + + * * * * * + +"SELF MADE MAN + + Young widwep lady intelligent, wealthy wishing to remarie, + wishes to make acquaintance in a Swiss Sportplace with a well + situated english or american gentleman. Preference is given + to a businessman, self made, with fine caracter aged 35-45 + handsome as the lady is it too."--_Swiss Paper_. + +We foresee a rush of profiteers to the Alps. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Sportsman_. "THEY DON'T SEEM VERY ANXIOUS TO HUNT +TO-DAY, TOM." + +_Tom_ (_exasperated by a bad scenting day_). "POOR THINGS, THEY'VE +ALMOST FORGOT HOW TO; THEY'VE BEEN SO BUSY GETTIN' OUT OF THE WAY OF +YOU YOUNG OFFICER GENTS SINCE YOU CAME 'OME."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_BY MR. PUNCH'S STAFF OF LEARNED CLERKS._) + +Finding _Midas and Son_ (METHUEN) described on the wrapper as a tale +of "the struggle of a young man and his immense riches," I said to +myself (rather like _Triplet_ in the play) that here was a struggle at +which it would greatly hearten me to assist. As a fact, however, the +conflict proved to be somewhat postponed; it took Mr. STEPHEN McKENNA +more than two hundred pages to get the seconds out of the ring and +leave his hero, _Deryk_, face to face with an income of something over +a million a year. Before this happened the youth had become engaged +to a girl, been thrown over by her, experienced the wiles of Circe and +gone in more or less vaguely for journalism. Then came the income and +the question what to do with it. Of course he didn't know how to use +it to the best advantage; it is universal experience that other people +never do. But _Deryk_ impressed me as more than commonly lacking +in resource. All he could think of was to finance and share in an +archaeological venture (rather fun), and to purchase a Pall Mall +club-house--apparently the R.A.C.--and do it up as a London abode for +himself and his old furniture. Also for his wife, as fortune had now +flung him again into the arms of his early love. But it is just here +that the subtle and slightly cruel cleverness of Mr. McKENNA's scheme +becomes manifest. The million-a-year had been at work on _Deryk_; it +had slain his capacity for romance. In plain words, he found that he +cared more for his furniture than for his _fiancee_, whose adoration +soon bored him to shrieking point. So there you are. I shall not +betray the author's solution of his own problem. I don't think +he has proved his somewhat obvious point as to the peril of great +possessions. _Deryk_ was hardly a quite normal subject, and +_Idina_ (the girl) was a little fool who would have irritated a +crossing-sweeper. But what he certainly has done is to provide some +scenes of pre-war London not unworthy to be companion pictures to +those in _Sonia_; and this, I fancy, will be good enough for most +readers. + + * * * * * + +Its publishers call _The Pot Boils_ (CONSTABLE) a "provocative" book, +and certainly the title at least deserves this epithet. But I decline +to be drawn into the obvious retort. Besides, with all its faults, the +story exhibits an almost flaunting disregard of those qualities that +make the best seller. About the author I am prepared to wager, first, +that "STORM JAMESON" is a disguise; secondly, that the personality +behind it is feminine. I have hinted that the tale is hardly likely +to gain universal popularity; let me add that certain persons, notably +very young Socialists and experts in Labour journalism, may find it of +absorbing interest. It is a young book, almost exclusively about young +people, written (or I mistake) by a youthful hand. These striplings +and maidens are all poor, mostly vain, and without exception fulfilled +of a devastating verbosity. We meet them first at a "Northern +University," talking, reforming the earth, kissing, and again +talking--about the kisses. Thence they and the tale move to London, +and the same process is repeated. It is all rather depressingly narrow +in outlook; though within these limits there are interesting and +even amusing scenes. Also the author displays now and again a happy +dexterity of phrase (I remember one instance--about "web-footed +Socialists ... dividing and sub-dividing into committees, like worms +cut by a spade"), which encourages me to hope that she will do better +things with a scheme of wider appeal. But to the general, especially +the middle-aged general, the contents of her present _Pot_ will, I +fear, be only caviare. + + * * * * * + +Little _Sara Lee Kennedy_, betrothed to one of those alert grim-jawed +young Americans one sees in the advertising pages of _The Ladies' Home +Journal_, learns of the suffering in Belgium at the beginning of the +great War and finds she must do something about it. She can cook, so +she will go and make soup for KING ALBERT's men. She takes her young +man's photograph and his surly disapproval; also a few dollars hastily +collected from her obscure township in Pa.; and becomes the good +angel of a shattered sector of the Belgian line. And she finds in _The +Amazing Interlude_ (MURRAY) her prince--a real prince--in the Secret +Service, and, after the usual reluctances and brave play (made for the +sake of deferring the inevitable) with the photograph of the old +love, is at last gloriously on with the new. It is a very charming +love-story, and MARY ROBERTS RINEHART makes a much better thing of the +alarms and excursions of war than you would think. It was no good, I +found, being superior about it and muttering "Sentiment" when you had +to blink away the unbidden tear lest your fireside partner should find +you out. So let me commend to you this idealised vision of a corner +of the great War seen through the eyes of an American woman of vivid +sympathies. + + * * * * * + +_Rovers of the Night Sky_ (CASSELL) is for more reasons than one +a welcome addition to my rapidly bulging collection of books about +flying. "NIGHT HAWK, M.C.," was in the Infantry--what he calls +a "Gravel-Cruncher"--before he took to the air, and by no means +the least interesting part of his sketches is the way in which he +explains the co-operation which existed between the fliers and the men +fighting on the ground. And his delight when a bombing expedition was +successful in giving instant assistance to the Infantry is frequently +shown. After his training in England "NIGHT HAWK" was attached as an +observer to a night-flying squadron in France, and he tells us of +his adventures with no sense of self-importance but with an honest +appreciation of their value to the general scheme of operations. He +has also a keen eye for the humours of life, and can make his jest +with most admirable brevity. "Doubtless," he says in a foreword, "the +whole world will fly before many years have passed, but for the moment +most people have to be content to read about it." I am one of them, +and he has added to my contentment. + + * * * * * + +My studies of recent fiction induce the belief that modern Wales +may be divided into two parts, in one of which the inhabitants call +each other _Bach_ and follow a code of morals that I simply will not +stoop to characterise; while the other is at once more Saxon in idiom +and considerably more melodramatic in its happenings. It is to the +latter province that I must assign _A Little Welsh Girl_ (HODDER AND +STOUGHTON), the Romance, with a big R, of _Dylis Morgan_, who pushed +an unappreciated suitor over a precipice and came to London to make +her fortune in revue. Really the suitor didn't go all the way down +the precipice; but as, by the time he recovered, _Dylis_, disguised, +had fled for England, he was promptly arrested for her murder, and +as _Dylis_ thought she had murdered him there was presently so much +confusion (increased for me by the hopelessly unpronounceable names +of a large cast) that I found it increasingly hard to keep the affair +in hand. As for _Dylis's_ theatrical career--well, you know how +these things are managed in fiction; for my part I was left wondering +whether Mr. HOWEL EVANS' pictures of Wales were as romantically +conceived as his conception of a West-End theatre. Though of course +we all know that Welsh people do sometimes make even more sensational +triumphs in the Metropolis; just possible indeed that this fact may +have some bearing on the recent flood of Cambrian fiction. Certainly, +if _A Little Welsh Girl_ achieves success on the strength of Mr. LLOYD +GEORGE's triumph, she may thank her luck, for I have my doubts whether +she could manage it unassisted. + + * * * * * + +Of _Ladies Must Live_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) one may say, in the first +place, that it is fortunately unnecessary as well as unusual for +the bulk of them to live in the scalp and tomahawk atmosphere that +distinguishes the sexual and social rivalry of _Christine Fennimer_ +and _Nancy Almar_, the two beautiful American Society dames whose duel +for the affections of the eligible hero form the plot, the whole plot +and nothing but the plot of Miss ALICE DUER MILLER's latest book. +Nature red in tooth and claw has not mothered them--they are too +well-bred for that; they simply bite with their tongues. _Mrs. Almar_, +who is married and purely piratical, comes off worst in the encounter, +and the more artful _Christine_, ultimately falling in love with the +object of her artifices, becomes human enough to marry him, despite +his lapse from financial eligibility. The plot is a thin one, but +smoothly and brightly unfolded. Unhappily Miss MILLER lacks the +gift of delicate satire and the sense of humour that the society +novel above all others seems to require. With a lighter and less +matter-of-fact treatment one would accept more easily the overdrawing +of her rather impossible felines. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Man in the Air_. "ANOTHER OF THESE BEASTLY PIVOTAL +MEN!"] + + * * * * * + + "Sir Charles Sykes, Director of Wood Production, has conferred + with representatives of each section of the tailoring trade, + with a view to simplifying the regulations and making possible + a larger output of Standard suits."--_Daily Paper_. + +We look forward to the part that this new clothing will play in the +general scheme of afforestation. + + * * * * * + + "A lady visiting the town complained that she went to a + licensed house and asked to be served with tea. She alleged + that the licensee was very rude to her, and refused to grant + her request. He [the Superintendent of Police] desired + to point out to license holders that they were bound to + provide proper accommodation and refreshment for man and + beast."--_West-Country Paper_. + +And we desire to point out to the Superintendent that that is not the +proper way to refer to a lady. + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +156, Feb. 19, 1919, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14146.txt or 14146.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/1/4/14146/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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