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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14141 ***
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 100.
+
+
+
+May 2, 1891.
+
+
+
+
+SONGS OF THE UN-SENTIMENTALIST.
+
+A DUSTMAN'S SILENT TEAR.
+
+  I know not how that Dustman stirred my ire:
+    He may have failed to call when due: but he--
+  My breast being charged with economic fire,--
+    Was mulcted of his customary fee.
+  I was informed, at first he did not seem
+    To grasp the cruel sense of what he heard,
+  But asked, "Wot's this 'ere game?" as if some dream
+    Of evil portents all his pulses stirred;
+  Then, muttering, he turned, and went his way
+    Dejected, broken! I had stopped his beer!
+  Ah! from that Dustman who, alas! can say
+    I did not wring a sad and silent tear!
+
+  I thought the matter o'er. I vowed no more,
+    That I with grief would moisten any eye;
+  Henceforth, whene'er that Dustman passed my door,
+    Upon his beer he knew he could rely!
+  Nay more! For never heeding if my bin
+    Were full or empty, I that Dustman hailed;
+  His grateful smile my one desire to win;
+    I felt I could not help it if I failed.
+  Twice every week he came,--his twopence drew:
+    That Dustman seemed to brighten with his beer.
+  And, if he wept, thank Heaven, at least I knew
+    With joy, not grief, _he shed his silent tear!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY.
+
+[CONTINUED.]
+
+_Thursday, April 16_.--On looking through my book I find that I am
+now a member of ten Billsbury Cricket Clubs, to most of which I am a
+Vice-President. Not bad, considering that my average in my last year
+at school was four, and that I didn't play more than half-a-dozen
+times at Oxford. TOLLAND says there are many more Foot-ball Clubs
+than Cricket Clubs--a pleasant prospect for me in the Autumn. Have
+also had to subscribe to six Missions of various kinds, four Easter
+Monday _Fêtes_, six Friendly Societies, three Literary and Scientific
+Institutes, five Temperance Associations, four Quoit Clubs, two
+Swimming Clubs, seven Sunday Schools, five Church or Chapel Building
+Funds, three Ornithological Societies, two Christian Young Men's
+Associations, three Children's Free Dinner Funds, one Angling
+Association, not to speak of Fire Brigade, Dispensaries, and Brass
+Bands. Have also given a Prize to be shot for by Volunteers, as
+CHUBSON gives one every year. What with £80 subscription to
+the Registration Fund, things are beginning to mount up pretty
+considerably.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Have spoken at three meetings since the Mass Meeting. TOLLAND said,
+"You needn't refer to Sir THOMAS CHUBSON yourself. Leave our people
+to do that. They enjoy that kind of thing, and know how to do it."
+They do, indeed. At our last meeting, HOLLEBONE, the Secretary of
+the Junior Conservative Club, went on at him for twenty minutes in
+proposing resolution of confidence in me. "Sir THOMAS," he said,
+"talks of his pledges. The less Sir THOMAS says about them the
+better. I can't walk out anywhere in Billsbury for two minutes without
+tripping over the broken fragments of some of Sir THOMAS's pledges.
+It's getting quite dangerous. Sir THOMAS, they say, made himself. It's
+a pity he couldn't put in a little consistency when he was engaged on
+the job. We don't want any purse-proud Radical knights to represent
+us. We want a straightforward man, who says what he means; and you'll
+agree with me, fellow-townsmen, that we've got one in our eloquent and
+popular young Candidate."
+
+This went down very well. Next day, however, the _Meteor_
+"parallel-columned" Sir THOMAS CHUBSON's career and mine.
+Mine occupied six lines; Sir THOMAS's "Life of honourable and
+self-sacrificing industry" ran to nearly a column. "It will be
+observed," said the _Meteor_, "that there is a good deal of blank
+space in Mr. PATTLE's comparative career; but this no doubt recommends
+him to his Conservative friends, who are quite equal to filling it
+brilliantly with their imaginative rhetoric about his chances of
+success."
+
+Primrose Day, the day after to-morrow. We're going to have a great
+demonstration at Billsbury. Mother is going down with me to-morrow.
+
+_April 20th, "George Hotel," Billsbury_.--The Demonstration yesterday
+was a splendid success. At ten o'clock in the morning the Conservative
+Band marched up to the Hotel and played patriotic airs under the
+window. Mother and I drove to the Beaconsfield Club in an open
+carriage and pair, escorted by the band. Mother's bonnet was all
+primroses, and she carried an immense bouquet of them. _Carlo_
+came with us and sat on the back-seat. His collar was stuck full of
+primroses, and small bunches were tied on to the tufts on his back
+and at the end of his tail. I wore a buttonhole of primroses, and
+carried a huge primrose wreath to be placed round the bust of LORD
+BEACONSFIELD, which stands in the hall of the Club. The coachman and
+horses too were all tricked out with bunches. TOLLAND and CHORKLE,
+and all the leaders of the Party, met us at the entrance of the Club,
+and the ceremony of depositing the flowers all round the bust began.
+CHORKLE, who once shook hands with DIZZY in the lobby of the House,
+made a great speech, mostly composed of personal reminiscences of our
+great departed leader. (By the way CHORKLE has six children, five
+of them being sons, whose names are BENJAMIN DISRAELI CHORKLE, CECIL
+SALISBURY CHORKLE, STRAFFORD THOROUGH CHORKLE, HOBBES LEVIATHAN
+CHORKLE, and RANDOLPH CHURCHILL CHORKLE.) The sixth, eighteen months
+old, is a girl. Her name is WILLIAMINA HENRIETTA SMITH CHORKLE. They
+were all present, covered with primroses. I added a few words about
+the inspiring effect that the contemplation of LORD BEACONSFIELD's
+career must have upon the youth of the country. Mother's bouquet kept
+falling off the place she had put it on, and two or three enthusiasts
+always dashed forward to pick it up, causing a good many collisions.
+In the middle of my speech, _Carlo_ walked into the centre of the
+hall, sat down and proceeded to gnaw off the primroses which had been
+tied to his tail. He then ate them all solemnly, and after that rolled
+over on his back with his paws stuck straight out, pretending he was
+dead. I must tell Mother not to bring that dog again. There was a
+great banquet in the evening. VULLIAMY came down for it and spoke very
+kindly about me in his speech. Said he had followed my career with
+profound interest and pleasure from my earliest years. I've only known
+him a year.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTHING LIKE DISCIPLINE!
+
+(_EXTRACT FROM THE DIARY OF_ PRIVATE ATKINS, _PRINCE'S COMPANY, 4TH
+BATTALION, H.M.'S GUZZLEBEER GUARDS._)
+
+_Monday_.--Joined the Regiment. Appeared on Parade, and was requested
+to come to "attention," although the Sergeant _must_ have seen that I
+was "standing at ease." Expressed a desire that the Commanding-officer
+should rectify the mistake, when all ended amicably. Sergeant
+apologised, and promised that it should not occur again. Satisfied.
+Both Sergeant and Commanding-officer well up in their duties!
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_Tuesday_.--Bugle sounded too early for Assembly. Sent a message to
+the Adjutant by his orderly (with my compliments) saying that I would
+feel much obliged if the Parade were postponed an hour. Adjutant
+returned _his_ compliments, with a request that I would give in
+writing my reason for desiring a delay. Explained (by word of mouth)
+that I wanted to read the newspapers. Parade consequently postponed as
+requested. Obliging chap the Adjutant!
+
+_Wednesday_.--Warned for Guard. Sent for the Major of my
+half-battalion (don't like bothering the Commanding-officer about
+every trifle), and explained that, although the Surgeon had seen me,
+and reported me fit, I had a presentiment that the easterly winds
+would play the very mischief with me if I went "Sentry Go." Major
+thought, perhaps it would be better if I were struck off duty. Excused
+Guard in consequence. Good sort Major of my half-battalion!
+
+_Thursday_.--Sorry to find rations very unsatisfactory. Complained
+to the Officer of the day, who reported the matter to the Captain.
+Captain said he would have asked the entire company to dine with him
+at his Club had he not been engaged. He then passed us on to his
+Subs. The latter most obligingly gave us some food at a Restaurant.
+_Châteaubriand_ excellent, _Sole à la Normande_ decent, but _Potage à
+la bisque_ too rich. Mistake to order the latter, as one can never get
+it _really_ good, except on the Continent. Wine tol-lol. Pol Royer of
+'84. However, spent a very pleasant evening. Both Subs, when you know
+them, not half bad fellows!
+
+_Friday_.--Rather a head, and felt generally out of sorts. Warned for
+Kit-inspection. Couldn't stand this, so called upon General Commanding
+District. Not at home, but was asked would I see his _locum tenens_?
+Replied in the negative, as I don't believe in go-betweens. Didn't
+return to barracks, as I thought I might get a breath of sea-air at
+Southend.
+
+_Saturday_.--Arrested and conveyed to the Guard-room. Suppose I
+shall be released with a caution. At any rate, for the present, diary
+confiscated.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE GARDEN OF SLEEP;
+
+OR, "PUT THAT IN YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT!"
+
+_Miss India_. "EVICT ME? WITH PLEASURE, SAHIB. BUT HOW ABOUT
+'COMPENSATION FOR DISTURBANCE?'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  In the heart of fair Ind, which JOHN BULL hopes to keep,
+  Trade planted a Garden--a Garden of Sleep;
+  'Neath the hot Eastern sky--in the place of good corn--
+  It is there that the baneful white Poppy is born,--
+  Chinese Johnny's desire, lending dreams of delight,
+  Which are his when the poppy-juice cometh in sight.
+  Oh! the Mart hath no heart, and Trade laugheth to scorn
+  The plea of friend PEASE, where the Poppies are born.
+
+  In this Garden of Sleep, where white Poppies are spread,
+  Fair INDIA plucketh the opiate head.
+  JOHN BULL says. "My dear, PEASE's tales make me creep.
+  He swears it, fills graves with 'pigtails,' who seek sleep!"
+  Fair INDIA replies, "That may possibly be;
+  But they Revenue bring, some Six Millions, you see!
+  Turn me out if you will, smash the Trade if you must;
+  But--you'll make up the money somehow, Sir, I trust!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WANTED--A LOCAL HABITATION.
+
+(_Commended by Mr. Punch to the Patrons of British Art._)
+
+_English Art_ (_to Sir James L-nt-n, Messrs. T-te and Agn-w_), "NOW,
+GENTLEMEN, THE GOVERNMENT HAS GIVEN THE SITE FOR MY HOUSE,--IT ONLY
+REMAINS FOR YOU TO BUILD IT."
+
+[The CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER announced that the Government had
+assigned a site for the new Gallery of Modern Art, as he thought it
+would be unwise to risk the failure of the gift of £80,000 which had
+been offered to erect a building.]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SOMEBODY'S LUGGAGE.
+
+In view of the intense public excitement aroused by the statement that
+Lord RANDOLPH CHURCHILL, in his expedition to Mashonaland, is only
+going to take two books with him--SHAKSPEARE and MOLIÈRE--an Inquiring
+Correspondent has recently written to several eminent persons on this
+subject, and has received--so he says--the following replies:--
+
+SIR,--You ask me what books I should take if I were contemplating
+a visit to the Dark Continent, like Lord RANDOLPH CHURCHILL.
+The question, in the abstract, and without reference to my own
+personality, is an interesting one, and no doubt human fallibility
+would, in the case you suppose, induce me to take several volumes of
+my own _Gleanings_ with me,--not so much for their intrinsic merits,
+as because perhaps they might form a new kind of literature for native
+African potentates. HOMER, too, _of course_. At my time of life,
+however, I must be excused from grappling with any new Continents,
+dark or otherwise. I find that Ireland is quite dark enough for me
+just now. Excuse a card. Yours, W.E. GL-DST-NE.
+
+SIR,--As I am not "contemplating an expedition to the Dark Continent,"
+and have no sympathy with Hottentots, there seems to be no sufficient
+reason for my answering your questions, or for your asking them.
+S-L-SB-RY.
+
+SIR,--Your question is ridiculous. The only books worth taking to
+Africa, or anywhere else, would be a bound copy of last year's
+_Review of Reviews_, GENERAL BOOTH's epoch-making volume, and--this
+is indispensable--SIR C. D-LKE's invaluable _Problems of Greater
+Britain._ When I went to Rome, I naturally took with me the "hundred
+best books in the world." They were a little heavy, but I thought
+the POPE would like to see them. However, circumstances prevented my
+presenting them to His Holiness. Yours, W.T. ST-D.
+
+SIR,--I don't know much about books. I've just written rather a good
+one on _Cricket_, and I think if I were going to Africa I should take
+a supply. From all I've heard of TIPPOO TIB, I should think he would
+enjoy the game; at any rate TIPPOO ought to be able to master tip and
+run without much difficulty. W.G. GR-CE.
+
+SIR,--Having consulted my relatives--also CAPTAIN M-L-SW-RTH--as
+to whether there would be any impropriety in giving a reply to your
+questions, I am happy to say that they seem to think there would be
+none, but that on the contrary it might even assist the takings at the
+Aquarium. I may therefore mention that if I were proceeding to Central
+Africa there is _only one book_ I should dream of taking with me. That
+would be a copy of the Proceedings of the London County Council, since
+the joyful date of its advent on this planet. Yours obediently, Z-o.
+
+SIR,--The one book I should take with me to Africa would be DR.
+PETERS' recent valuable work--_More Light on Dark Africa_. I should
+give it to the Dwarfs. It would make capital poisoned arrows. H.M.
+ST-NL-Y.
+
+SIR,--The only book worth thinking about for such an expedition as
+you mention would be STANLEY's _In Darkest Africa_. Its Maps would be
+invaluable,--as presents for a rival explorer, whom one might desire
+to mislead as to his route. CARL P-T-RS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. HERKOMER AND MR. PENNELL.
+
+PROFESSOR HERKOMER defends the use of Photography for the engraver's
+purposes, and clearly thinks that what TENNYSON ought to have written,
+in _Locksley Hall_, was--
+
+"And the thoughts of men are widened by a Process of the Sun's."
+
+He also comforts himself with the reflection that being called over
+the coals in the _National Observer_, is one of the PENNELL-ties of
+success.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH'S POCKET IBSEN.
+
+(_CONDENSED AND REVISED VERSION BY MR. P.'S OWN HARMLESS IBSENITE_.)
+
+NO. III.--HEDDA GABLER.
+
+ACT II.
+
+    SCENE--_The cheerful dark Drawing-room. It is afternoon.
+    HEDDA stands loading a revolver in the back Drawing-room._
+
+_Hedda_ (_looking out, and shouting_). How do you do, Judge? (_Aims at
+him._) Mind yourself! [_She fires._
+
+_Brack_ (_entering_). What the devil! Do you usually take pot-shots at
+casual visitors? [_Annoyed._
+
+_Hedda_. Invariably, when they come by the back-garden. It is my
+unconventional way of intimating that I am at home. One does do these
+things in realistic dramas, you know. And I was only aiming at the
+blue sky.
+
+_Brack_. Which accounts for the condition of my hat. (_Exhibiting
+it._) Look here--_riddled_!
+
+_Hedda_. Couldn't help myself. I am so horribly bored with TESMAN.
+Everlastingly to be with a professional person!
+
+_Brack_ (_sympathetically_). Our excellent TESMAN is certainly a bit
+of a bore. (_Looks searchingly at her_.) What on earth made you marry
+him?
+
+_Hedda_. Tired of dancing, my dear, that's all. And then I used TESMAN
+to take me home from parties; and we saw this villa; and I said I
+liked it, and so did he; and so we found some common ground, and here
+we are, do you see! And I loathe TESMAN, and I don't even like the
+villa now; and I do feel the want of an entertaining companion so!
+
+[Illustration: "I am a Norwegian literary man, and peculiar."]
+
+_Brack_. Try me. Just the kind of three-cornered arrangement that
+I like. Let me be the third person in the
+compartment--(_confidentially_)--the tried friend, and, generally
+speaking, cock of the walk!
+
+_Hedda_ (_audibly drawing in her breath_). I cannot resist your
+polished way of putting things. We will conclude a triple alliance.
+But hush!--here comes TESMAN.
+
+    [_Enter GEORGE, with a number of books under his arm._
+
+_George_. Puff! I _am_ hot, HEDDA. I've been looking into LÖVBORG's
+new book. Wonderfully thoughtful--confound him! But I must go and
+dress for your party, Judge. [_He goes out._
+
+_Hedda_. I wish I could get TESMAN to take to politics, Judge.
+Couldn't he be a Cabinet Minister, or something?
+
+_Brack_. H'm!
+
+    [_A short pause; both look at one another, without speaking.
+    Enter GEORGE, in evening dress, with gloves._
+
+_George_. It is afternoon, and your party is at half-past seven--but I
+like to dress early. Fancy that! And I am expecting LÖVBORG.
+
+    [_EJLERT LÖVBORG comes in from the hall; he is worn and pale,
+    with red patches on his cheek-bones, and wears an elegant
+    perfectly new visiting-suit, and black gloves._
+
+_George_. Welcome! (_Introduces him to BRACK._) Listen--I have got
+your new book, but I haven't read it through yet.
+
+_Lövborg_. You needn't--it's rubbish. (_Takes a packet of MSS. out._)
+This _isn't_. It's in three parts; the first about the civilising
+forces of the future, the second about the future of the civilising
+forces, and the third about the forces of the future civilisation. I
+thought I'd read you a little of it this evening?
+
+_Brack and George_ (_hastily_). Awfully nice of you--but there's a
+little party this evening--so sorry we can't stop! Won't you come too?
+
+_Hedda_. No, he must stop and read it to me and Mrs. ELVSTED instead.
+
+_George_. It would never have occurred to me to think of such clever
+things! Are you going to oppose me for the Professorship, eh?
+
+_Lövborg_ (_modestly_). No; I shall only triumph over you in the
+popular judgment--that's all!
+
+_George_. Oh, is that all? Fancy! Let us go into the back drawing-room
+and drink cold punch.
+
+_Lövborg_. Thanks--but I am a reformed character, and have renounced
+cold punch--it is poison.
+
+    [_GEORGE and BRACK go into the back-room and drink punch,
+    whilst HEDDA shows LÖVBORG a photograph album in the front._
+
+_Lövborg_ (_slowly, in a low tone_). HEDDA GABLER! how _could_ you
+throw yourself away like this!--Oh, is _that_ the ORTLER Group?
+Beautiful!--Have you forgotten how we used to sit on the settee
+together behind an illustrated paper, and--yes, very picturesque
+peaks--I told you all about how I had been on the loose?
+
+_Hedda_. Now, none of that, here! These are the Dolomites.--Yes, I
+remember; it was a beautiful fascinating Norwegian intimacy--but
+it's over now. See, we spent a night in that little mountain village,
+TESMAN and I!
+
+_Lövborg_. Did you, indeed? Do you remember that delicious moment when
+you threatened to shoot me down--(_tenderly_)--I do!
+
+_Hedda_ (_carelessly_). Did I? I have done that to so many people. But
+now all that is past, and you have found the loveliest consolation
+in dear, good, little Mrs. ELVSTED--ah, here she is! (_Enter_ Mrs.
+ELVSTED.) Now, THEA, sit down and drink up a good glass of cold punch.
+Mr. LÖVBORG is going to have some. If you don't, Mr. LÖVBORG, GEORGE
+and the Judge will think you are afraid of taking too much if you once
+begin.
+
+_Mrs. E._ Oh, please, HEDDA! When I've inspired Mr. LÖVBORG so--good
+gracious! _don't_ make him drink cold punch!
+
+_Hedda_. You see, Mr. LÖVBORG, our dear little friend can't _trust_
+you!
+
+_Lövborg_. So _that_ is my comrade's faith in me! (_Gloomily._) _I_'ll
+show her if I am to be trusted or not. (_He drinks a glass of punch_.)
+Now I'll go to the Judge's party. I'll have another glass first.
+Your health, THEA! So you came up to spy on me, eh? I'll drink the
+Sheriff's health--_everybody's_ health!
+
+    [_He tries to get more punch._
+
+_Hedda_ (_stopping him_). No more now. You are going to a party,
+remember. [GEORGE _and_ TESMAN _come in from back-room._
+
+_Lövborg._ Don't be angry, THEA. I was fallen for a moment. Now I'm up
+again! (Mrs. E. _beams with delight_). Judge, I'll come to your party,
+as you _are_ so pressing, and I'll read GEORGE my manuscript all the
+evening. I'll do all in _my_ power to make that party go!
+
+_George_. No? fancy! that _will_ be amusing!
+
+_Hedda_. There, go away, you wild rollicking creatures! But Mr.
+LÖVBORG must be back at ten, to take dear THEA home!
+
+_Mrs. E._ Oh, goodness, yes! (_In concealed agony._) Mr. LÖVBORG, I
+shan't go away till you do!
+
+    [_The three men go out laughing merrily; the Act-drop is
+    lowered for a minute; when it is raised, it is 7 A.M., and
+    Mrs. ELVSTED and HEDDA are discovered sitting up, with rugs
+    around them._
+
+_Mrs. E._ (_wearily_). Seven in the morning, and Mr. LÖVBORG not here
+to take me home _yet_! what _can_ he be doing?
+
+_Hedda_ (_yawning_). Reading to TESMAN, with vine-leaves in his hair,
+I suppose. Perhaps he has got to the third part.
+
+_Mrs. E._ Oh, do you _really_ think so, HEDDA? Oh, if I could but hope
+he was doing that!
+
+_Hedda_. You silly little ninny! I should like to scorch your hair
+off. Go to bed! [Mrs. E. _goes. Enter_ GEORGE.
+
+_George_. I'm a little late, eh? But we made _such_ a night of it.
+Fancy! It was most amusing. EJLERT read his book to me--think of that!
+Astonishing book! Oh, we really had great fun! I wish _I'd_ written
+it. Pity he's so irreclaimable.
+
+_Hedda_. I suppose you mean he has more of the courage of life than
+most people?
+
+_George_. Good Lord! He had the courage to get more drunk than
+most people. But, altogether, it was what you might almost call a
+Bacchanalian orgy. We finished up by going to have early coffee with
+some of these jolly chaps, and poor old LÖVBORG dropped his precious
+manuscript in the mud, and I picked it up--and here it is! Fancy
+if anything were to happen to it! He never could write it again.
+_Wouldn't_ it be sad, eh? Don't tell anyone about it.
+
+    [_He leaves the packet of MSS. on a chair, and rushes out;
+    HEDDA hides the packet as BRACK enters._
+
+_Brack_. _Another_ early call, you see! My party was such a singularly
+animated _soirée_ that I haven't undressed all night. Oh, it was
+the liveliest affair conceivable! And, like a true Norwegian host,
+I tracked LÖVBORG home; and it is only my duty, as a friend of the
+house, and cock of the walk, to take the first opportunity of telling
+you that he finished up the evening by coming to mere loggerheads with
+a red-haired opera-singer, and being taken off to the police-station!
+You mustn't have him here any more. Remember our little triple
+alliance!
+
+_Hedda_ (_her smile fading away_). You are certainly a dangerous
+person--but you must not get a hold over me!
+
+_Brack_ (_ambiguously_). What an idea! But I might--I am an
+insinuating dog. Good morning! [_Goes out._
+
+_Lövborg_ (_bursting in, confused and excited_). I suppose you've
+heard where _I've_ been?
+
+_Hedda_ (_evasively_). I heard you had a very jolly party at Judge
+BRACK's. [Mrs. ELVSTED _comes in._
+
+_Lövborg_. It's all over. I don't mean to do any more work. I've no
+use for a companion now, THEA. Go home to your Sheriff!
+
+_Mrs. E._ (_agitated_). Never! I want to be with you when your book
+comes out!
+
+_Lövborg_. It won't _come_ out--I've torn it up! (_Mrs. E. rushes out,
+wringing her hands_.) Mrs. TESMAN, I told her a lie--but no matter.
+I haven't torn my book up--I've done worse! I've taken it about to
+several parties, and it's been through a police-row with me--now I've
+lost it. Even if I found it again, it wouldn't be the same--not to me!
+I am a Norwegian literary man, and peculiar. So I must make an end of
+it altogether!
+
+_Hedda_. Quite so--but look here, you must do it beautifully. I
+don't insist on your putting vine-leaves in your hair--but do it
+beautifully. (_Fetches pistol._) See, here is one of General GABLER's
+pistols--do it with _that_!
+
+_Lövborg._ Thanks!
+
+    [_He takes the pistol, and goes out through the hall-door;
+    as soon as he has gone, HEDDA brings out the manuscript, and
+    puts it on the fire, whispering to herself, as Curtain falls._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CAN A MAN IMPRISON HIS WIFE?
+
+(_AN AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL CONSIDERATION OF THE QUESTION, BY AN EMINENT
+LEGAL AUTHORITY._)
+
+[Illustration: Summing Up.]
+
+It may be remembered that (I trust) in deserved acknowledgment of
+my professional pre-eminence, I received, some little while ago,
+the appointment of a Deputy-Assistant-Revising-Barristership. In
+performing the duties of this important office, I sometimes have to
+incur bodily risk--the more especially when I have to distinguish
+between the rival claims of the political parties that I am sorry
+to say have made Lambville-cum-Minton the antithesis of heaven upon
+earth. On the occasion to which I particularly wish to refer, I was
+accompanied by my Wife, to my secret annoyance, as I am afraid the
+Lady who does me the honour to share my name is unduly apprehensive of
+my safety, and, besides this general plea, I had yet another special
+reason for desiring her absence. To tell the truth, I had been greatly
+moved by a decision given in the Court of Appeal, whereby it seemed to
+me (and no doubt to many of my learned friends) the custody of a wife
+by her husband had become an empty phrase, signifying nothing. I felt
+that if, by any means, I could get this judgment set aside, I would
+not only confer upon myself, as a married man, a signal benefit, but,
+moreover, as a Counsel, obtain increased professional distinction.
+However, I was embarrassed by the presence of my Wife, when I came
+to consider the best mode in which marital authority might be
+assumed to raise the question of the right of _habeas corpus_. I
+had returned to my room before the opening of the Registration
+Court at Lambville-cum-Minton, in rather a disturbed frame of mind.
+Truth to tell, my Wife, having learned that political feeling
+was rising so high in the town that it was possible that the
+Deputy-Assistant-Revising-Barrister might be assaulted by either or
+both of the rival factions, had done her best to dissuade me from
+taking my customary seat.
+
+"What shall I do, to say nothing of the darling children, if you are
+brought home on a hurdle?" she sobbed out.
+
+I assured her that there was a very remote risk of my succumbing to
+such a fate, as the conveyance home on a hurdle raised the presumption
+that the victim had been hunting, a sport in which I seldom, I may
+say, never indulged. But this explanation did not reassure her,
+and she left me in tears. Her emotion caused me much pain, the more
+especially as my proposed task seemed to me, under the circumstances,
+a species of domestic treason. However, I hardened my heart, and sat
+down to consider the facts of the case. To allow the right of seizure
+to be argued, it would be necessary to take my Wife out of the custody
+of someone other than myself. Her mother, a most estimable old lady,
+with whom I have had many a pleasant and exciting game of backgammon,
+seemed a right and proper person to assist me in carrying out my
+project. But the objection immediately occurred to me that it would
+be an exceedingly difficult matter to induce her to hold my Wife from
+me unless I desired her to take such a course. But if I made this
+request, would not the proceeding savour of collusion? To meet this
+obstacle I came to the conclusion that I might get my Wife to pay
+a visit to her mother, and then, appropriately disguised, seize and
+carry her off. By locking her in the conveyance and riding on the box,
+I could preserve my incognito until reaching home, and then I might
+confine her in her own room with assumed harshness, and possibly (of
+this I had some doubt) get her to complain of her imprisonment. By
+keeping my Wife's domicile a close secret, her mother would be induced
+to visit me to ask my professional assistance in recovering her
+daughter. Thus approached it would be possible to so advise the old
+lady that in the result she would demand my Wife's presence in Court
+under a writ of _habeas corpus_. Then would come my opportunity.
+Of course I would produce my Wife, and having carefully prepared my
+arguments, would deliver an oration that would fill columns of the
+newspapers, and hand down my name to generations to come as _the_
+authority on marital rights. I saw in the near future wealth and
+restored domestic happiness. But the first thing to do was to lock
+up my Wife. And at this point it occurred to me that it was time for
+me to walk over to the Revision Court. I hastily gathered certain
+necessary articles into my brief-bag, and putting on my hat, grasped
+the handle of the door. To my surprise I found that I could obtain no
+egress. I rang the bell--and instead of a servant my Wife answered the
+summons. "The door is locked, dear," I observed, "and as the key seems
+to be on the other side, will you kindly open it, as I am in a hurry
+to be off."
+
+"You will stay where you are," was the reply. "You are not going to
+get killed by attending a nonsensical Revision Court."
+
+"But I must go," I explained; and then assuming a tone of authority I
+rarely adopt, I added, "and you will be good enough to open the door
+at once."
+
+"I shall do nothing of the sort," replied my Wife, calmly. "I locked
+you in, and I shan't let you out."
+
+"What, Madam," I exclaimed; "do you defy my authority?"
+
+"Certainly!" was the immediate response, "You may say or think what
+you like, but you don't leave this house to-day as sure as I am your
+lawfully wedded Wife."
+
+And as a matter of fact I didn't!
+
+(_Signed._) A. BRIEFLESS, JUNIOR.
+
+_Pump-handle Court._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OPERATIC NOTES.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_Monday_.--To see MADAME ALBANI as _Violetta_ the consumptive
+heroine of "_La Traviata_." Charmingly sung and admirably, nay, most
+touchingly, acted. MAUREL excellent as _Germont Senior_, and MONTARIOL
+quite the weak-minded masher _Alfredo_. What a different turn the
+story might have taken had it occurred to _Violetta_ to have a
+flirtation with the handsome middle-aged _père noble_! At one time it
+almost seemed as if there had been some change in motive of the Opera
+since I last saw it, and that the above original idea was about to
+be carried out. But no; in another second _Germont-Maurel_ as "Old
+Maurelity" (by kind permission of TOBY, M.P.) had pulled himself
+together, and _Albani-Violetta_ was in the depths of remorseful
+sorrow. In that gay and festive supper scene, where a physician,
+unostentatiously styled _Il Dottore_ (he would probably be _Ill_
+Dottore the morning after) is present to look after the health of the
+guests, and perhaps to "propose" it, I noticed with pleasure that,
+on the tables, DRURIOLANUS ALDERMANICUS, mindful of civic feasts, had
+placed bottles of real champagne, or at least real champagne-bottles.
+This interested the audience muchly, and numerous were the glasses
+turned in the direction of the bottles--of course 'tis opera-glasses
+I mean, yer honour,--in order to ascertain what particular wanity was
+_La Traviata's_ favourite; but the bottles were so placed that only
+one unimportant word on the label was visible. Was it Pommery '80
+_très sec_?--Or what was it? Impossible to see: it was not mentioned
+in the dialogue, so "Mumm" might have been the word. But at all
+events, if the wine is one which requires advertisement, the guests
+should be told to be very careful to leave the bottles in the same
+position as in the old prefatial stage-directions "the reader of the
+play" is supposed to be; i.e., "_on the stage, facing the audience_."
+
+_Wednesday._--_Rigoletto_. M. MAUREL as the Jester; acting good, voice
+too loud. ALBANI, as _Gilda_, overwhelmed with encores. M. MONTARIOL's
+_Il Duca_ is _Alfredo_ over again, only confirmed in a vicious career.
+To obtain an encore for the great but now hackneyed song, "_La Donna
+e mobile_," a wonderful rendering is absolutely essential, and somehow
+something seems wanting to the success of _Rigoletto_ when this song
+goes for nothing and is passed without a rapturous "_bis, bis!_" which
+makes a Manager rub his hands and smilingly say to himself, "Good
+bis-ness."
+
+_Thursday._--_Lohengrin_ I believe, but wasn't there. Hope the Opera
+went all right without me. Can't be in more places than one at the
+same moment. Same remarks apply to Friday and Saturday.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO MISS ALICE ATHERTON AT THE STRAND THEATRE.
+
+  To see her in _Our Daughters_! worth the money!
+  She 'ATH ER "TON" so genuinely funny!
+  Yes, ALICE, in such acting, dance, or song,
+  We recognise thy talent _et ton_ "_ton_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Of the Modern Bill of Costs, the Ancient "Bill of the Play,"
+SHAKSPEARE, and the present representative of the Ancient Mariner,
+L.C.J. COLERIDGE, both observe, "Oh, reform it altogether!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WHAT OUR FIN-DE-SIÈCLISTS ARE GROWING TO.
+
+"OH, OH, OH! CONFOUND IT!"
+
+"WHAT _IS_ THE MATTER, ALGY?"
+
+"I JUST LET MY FOOT OUT ON THE STIRRUP, AND THIS BEAST OF A PONY'S
+TROD ON MY TOE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HYMEN AND CUPID.
+
+(_FIN-DE-SIÈCLE VERSION, SOME WAY AFTER MOORE._)
+
+  HYMEN, late, his love-knots selling,
+  Called at many a maiden's dwelling;
+  But he found too well they knew him;
+  None were prompter to pooh-pooh him.
+    "Who'll buy my love-knots?
+    Who'll buy my love-knots?"
+  Soon as that old cry resounded.
+  How his baskets were surrounded!
+
+  Maidens mocked, with laughter dying,
+  Those fool-knots of HYMEN's tying;
+  Dames, who once with him had sided,
+  Openly his wares derided.
+    "Who'll buy my love-knots?
+    Who'll buy my love-knots?"
+  All at that old cry came flocking,
+  Mocking in a style quite shocking.
+
+  "Here are knots," said HYMEN, taking
+  Some loose nooses of Law's making.
+  "Pooh!" the nymphs cried. "Who can trust 'em?
+  We have changed your queer old custom.
+    Who'll buy your love-knots?
+    Who'll buy your love-knots?
+  Women they bind not, nor tie men.
+  You're a helpless gaoler, HYMEN!
+
+  "When the bargain is completed,
+  We have but to cry, 'We're cheated!'
+  And you'll find you're sold most sadly.
+  Love-knots? Fools'-knots! They tie badly.
+    Who'll buy _your_ love-knots?
+    Who'll buy _your_ love-knots?
+  Burdens you would lay our backs on--
+  Our reply is--TOLSTOI! JACKSON!"
+
+  HYMEN dropped his torch; its splutter
+  Was extinguished in the gutter.
+  "At my torch and crown of roses
+  These young minxes cock their noses.
+    Who'll buy my love-knots?
+    Who'll buy my love-knots?"
+  What's the use? 'Twixt Law and Passion,
+  HYMEN's plainly out of fashion!
+
+  LOVE, who saw the whole proceeding,
+  Would have laughed but for good breeding.
+  "Best join _me_," he cried, "Old Chappie!
+  IBSEN read, be free, and happy!
+    Who'll buy your love-knots?
+    Who'll buy your love-knots?
+  Have a spree--all shackles scorning,
+  Come! We won't go home till morning!'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A BACONIAN THEORY;
+
+OR, TRYING IT ON.
+
+SOLOMON isn't in it with Judge BACON. The point was whether Mrs.
+MANLEY had made Miss DOROTHY DENE's dresses to fit or not. "To fit or
+not to fit, that was the question." The Judge gave his decision after
+a fair trial of the two costumes--this might be remembered on both
+sides as "the trying-on case,"--that, according to the evidence of
+unimpeachable witnesses represented by the Judge's own common-sense
+and artistic eye for effect, two of the dresses and a cloak didn't
+fit, and that so far, the Defendant, Miss DOROTHY, must consider
+herself, in a dress-making sense, "non-suited." Mrs. MANLEY had, of
+course, undertaken to provide fits for her customers, and for having
+partially failed, her customers determined to return the compliment,
+by "giving _her_ fits" if possible. So the parties came before
+Judge BACON, and appealed to His Honour. And the learned Judge
+mindful of ancestral Baconian wisdom, "_Cast a severe eye upon the
+example_"--that is, he examined the dresses most critically,--"_but
+a merciful eye upon the person_,"--for the fair Plaintiff and fair
+Defendant His Honour showed himself a most fair Judge, unwilling, as
+BACON, "to give beans" to either party, and so dismissing them with
+his beany-diction. But, _pauca verba_,--and may we always have nothing
+but praise to bestow on _Bacon's Essays_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A DISCLAIMER.
+
+(_BY AN UNIONIST._)
+
+  _I_ "prefer PARNELL"? Oh dear, no!
+  There is no man I've hated so.
+  But, since he turned a fierce derider
+  Of him he calls the "Grand Old Spider;"
+  Since he has "blown" the Home-Rule "gaff,"
+  And whelmed the Gladstone gang with chaff;
+  Since he has almost wiped out PIGOTT,
+  Half justified the Orange bigot;
+  Proved part of the _Times_' charge at least,
+  And won the "Hill-men," lost the Priest;--
+  Since then--why, hang it, 'tis such fun,
+  I half forgive him all he's done;
+  I'll back him, bet on him, and grin;
+  Give him my vote, and hope he'll win.
+  But I _prefer_ him? Goodness gracious!
+  Why _can't_ Gladstonians be veracious?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SIR HENRY LOCH'S "STRAIGHT TIP" TO THE INTRUSIVE BOERS IN
+MASHONALAND.--"Play us none of your 'treks'!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HYMEN, FIN DE SIÈCLE. "MAIDENS MOCKED, WITH LAUGHTER
+DYING, THOSE FOOL-KNOTS OF HYMEN'S TYING."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MOLTKE in German-style script]
+
+HELMUTH KARL BERNHARD VON MOLTKE.
+
+_BORN, OCTOBER 26TH, 1803. DIED, APRIL 24TH_, 1891.
+
+  Strong, silent Soldier, whom the unmarked years
+    Shaped to such service of the Fatherland
+    As seldom to one firm, unfailing hand,
+  A State hath owed; to-day a People's tears
+  Bedew the most illustrious of biers!
+    The waning century hastening to its close
+  Hath scarce a greater on its glory-roll,
+    Hope of thy land, and terror of its foes;
+  Of foresight keen, and long-enduring soul!
+  War's greatness is not greatest; there are heights
+    Of splendour pure mere warriors scarce may scale,
+    But thou wert more than battle's scourge and flail,
+  Calm-souled controller of such Titan fights
+    As mould man's after-history. When thy star
+  Shone clear at Koniggrätz, men gazed and knew
+    The light that heralds the great Lords of War;
+  And when o'er Sedan thy black Eagles flew
+  And the bold Frank, betrayed and broken, drew
+    One shuddering gasp of agony and sank,
+    When thy long-mustered legions rank on rank
+  Hemmed the fair, fated City of men's love,
+  Then thy star culminated, shone above
+    All but the few fixed beacon-lights, which owned
+    A new compeer. Long steadfastly enthroned
+  In German hearts, and all men's reverence,
+  Suddenly, softly thou art summoned hence,
+  To the great muster, full of years and fame!
+  How thinks _he_, lord of a co-equal name,
+    Thine ancient comrade in war's iron lists,
+  Just left, and lone, of the Titanic Three
+  Who led the Eagles on to victory?
+    Calmest of Captains, first of Strategists.
+  BISMARCK must bend o'er thy belaurelled bier
+  With more than common grief in the unbidden tear!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+JOKIM AND JOHN.--The CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER is following Mr. JOHN
+HOLLINGSHEAD's example. The latter started "No fees" for Play-time,
+and the former advocates "No fees" for School-time.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A PROP OF THE DRAMA.
+
+"WHAT, BACK ALREADY, ARCHIE! WAS IT A DULL PIECE, THEN?"
+
+"DON'T KNOW. DIDN'T STOP TO SEE. JUST LOOKED ROUND STALLS AND BOXES,
+AND DIDN'T SEE A SOUL I KNEW!--SO I CAME AWAY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROBERT AT THE CHILDREN'S FANCY BALL.
+
+Well, I've said it afore, and now I says it agane, as I don't bleeve
+as sich another both bewtifool and elligant site is to be seen in all
+the world, as is to be seen at these anniwersary yearly festivals in
+our nobel Egipshun All at the honoured Manshun House.
+
+Of course I don't no what sort of intertainement was held there when
+the aincient Egipshuns had it, or weather they ewer was there at
+all--for I ain't much of a hantiquery; but, from what I've seen of
+some on 'em at the British Mewseum, I should think as there werry
+peculyar style of dress was not much sooted to such occashuns.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+I thinks, upon the hole, as the children's dresses on this speshal
+ocashun "beat the record," as the runners and jumpers says, both for
+illigance and wariety, and, shoud I atemt to describe 'em, where on
+airth shoud I begin! But, as I must begin sumwheres, I hopes as I
+shan't awake the biling jealousy of all the other mothers present
+when I says as I gives the Parm Tree to the two rayther youthfool Beef
+Eaters. As for the number of Angels and Fairys, with most lovly wings,
+they was so numerus, and so bewtifool, that ewen I, a pore Hed Waiter,
+coudn't help the thort, that they was a giving me my first glimpse
+of Pairodice. Then again I noticed as the grashus and hansum LADY
+MARESS--who I should ha liked to ha seen putting herself at the hed of
+them all, and leading em all round the bewtifool All--had most kindly
+inwited a few poor creetures, such as nusses, and charity Gals, and
+plow boys, and setterer, just to let 'em see what they may sum day cum
+to be, if so be as they is all good.
+
+There was a lot of Hartists a going about makin skitches of the werry
+prettiest dresses insted of the werry prettiest faces, as I shood most
+suttenly have done. One of 'em wanted for to take my picter, but as
+I coudn't bleeve it was for my bewty, and was quite sure it wasn't
+for my full heavening dress, and coud therefore ony be for fun, I
+respekfully declined.
+
+It is roomered among us Hed Waiters, that the QUEEN's own Daughter,
+which she's a Hempress, has told her son, which he's the HEMPEROR
+of GERMANY, and is a comin here next July, that the werry loveliest
+site as the Grand Old Copperashun can posserbly show him, will be a
+reppytishun of the glorious seen as I seed with my own delited eyes on
+Wensdy last.
+
+ROBERT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+"Oh Willow! Willow!" Mr. GRACE's memories of Forty years of Cricket
+are full of interest, of enthusiasm, and of good stories. "My Early
+Cricket Days" will hugely interest young would-be Willow-wielders.
+"Cricketers I have Met" is excellent reading, the Champion being as
+generous in appreciation as keen in judgment. On the science of the
+game he, of course, speaks as one having authority. THACKERAY said he
+never saw a boy without wishing to give him a sovereign. The "Co." for
+some time to come will not look on an athletic lad without longing
+to give him a copy of "Cricket; by W.G. GRACE." He hopes that lots of
+other "dasters" will feel the same yearning, and act upon it.
+
+One of the "Co." reports that he has been reading a work on
+_Decorative Electricity_, by Mrs. J.S.H. GORDON, and a very pretty
+and original little book he found it, full of suggestions, ingenious,
+fanciful, and practical, all at once--a rare combination. "Those
+about to" instal--and most of us will find ourselves in that position,
+sooner or later--will gain some invaluable hints and ideas from
+this volume, which, in addition to its other merits, is charmingly
+illustrated. Before very long we shall all be modern Aladdins,
+and summon our Slave of the Lamp as a matter of course. But there
+is plenty of scope for imagination in devising the form of his
+appearance, notwithstanding, and Mrs. GORDON's book shows us how the
+Genius may be compelled to present himself in a variety of pleasing
+and fantastic shapes.
+
+The Baron is of opinion that _The Seal of Fate_, by Lady POLLOCK and
+W.H. POLLOCK, is an interesting but somewhat discursive novel. Will it
+be followed by _The Fate of the Seal_, a tale of the Fishery Question?
+
+BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & Co.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: LORD RANDOLPH--PAST, PRESENT, AND TO COME-BACK.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+UPON AFRIC'S SHORE;
+
+OR, THE BATTLE OF THE HEROES.
+
+(_NOT BY THE AUTHOR OF "THE BATTLE OF LIMERICK_.")
+
+    Ye lovers of the nation,
+    Who burn with indignation,
+  And England's obfuscation perpetually deplore;
+    Ye flouters of our factions,
+    And partisan distractions,
+  How like ye the transactions upon Afric's shore?
+
+    Ye've all heard of the Lion
+    Who a rival cast his eye on,
+  (You'll find him in _Bombastes_) and thought the brute a bore.
+    Such rival Leos flourish,
+    And mutual hatred nourish,
+  With a snapping almost currish, upon Afric's shore.
+
+    Faith their manes are _always_ waving,
+    And their claws for contest craving,
+  And their forms are always rampant, and they're ever at full roar,
+    And in book and morning paper,
+    They still clapperclaw and caper,
+  And they worry, snarl and vapour about Afric's shore.
+
+    There was EMIN, sage pacific,
+    The serene and scientific,
+  Who a wondrous reputation in a hero-patriot bore,
+    Until "rescued" by brave STANLEY,
+    Who declared him weak, unmanly.
+  Oh! 'tis strange how heroes _can_ lie about Afric's shore.
+
+    Then BARTTELOT and TROUP,
+    JEPHSON, JAMESON--a group
+  Who each of each "made soup"--off each other tried to score;
+    And in many a verjuiced "vollum"
+    STANLEY's jovial "Rear Column"
+  Was discussed in manner solemn, anent Afric's shore.
+
+    Then the "foreign element"
+    To it tooth and nail _they_ went,
+  And the Battle of the Heroes it grew livelier than before.
+    Now that man, and now this man,
+    Now DE BRAZZA and now WISSMANN,
+  Made it hot for poor Old England upon Afric's shore.
+
+    Now comes PETERS! He has slanged
+    STANLEY awfully, and banged
+  The "Rescue" party badly. It is getting a big bore,
+    When, with tempers hot as Indies,
+    Heroes smash each other's windies,
+  Pursuing of their shindies about Afric's shore.
+
+    It is doubtless "moighty fine,"
+    Being what _Titmarsh_ called "a line,"
+  And it does Society's "sowl" good (no doubt) to hear him roar;
+    But 'tis folly to suppose
+    He _must_ rush upon his foes,
+  And hit them on the nose, upon Afric's shore.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EARLY CLOSING MOVEMENT.--When Mr. SMITH proposed shutting up shop
+early on Tuesdays and Fridays, SIR ROBERT FOWLER was all for singing,
+"We won't go home till morning (_three times_), Till daylight doth
+appear." But, as _Falstaff_ asks, "What doth gravity out of bed after
+midnight?" No, Sir ROBERT, doughty knight, take good advice, and
+hie thee, armed _Night-cap-à-pie_, to thy couch. Don't get up till
+morning, Till (long after) daylight doth appear!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: IBSEN IN BRIXTON.
+
+_Mrs. Harris_. "YES, WILLIAM, I'VE THOUGHT A DEAL ABOUT IT, AND I FIND
+I'M NOTHING BUT YOUR DOLL AND DICKEY-BIRD, AND SO I'M GOING!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PARTY PETER BELL.
+
+  A potterer, Sir, he was by trade,
+    A Party Potterer, much respected,
+  And every year, when Spring appeared,
+  The yellow blooms, to bards endeared,
+    In swarms by PETER were collected.
+
+  He roved among the vales and streams,
+    In the green wood and hollow dell,
+  And, upon April's nineteenth day,
+  Big buttonholers made display
+    Upon the heart of PETER BELL.
+
+  In vain through each succeeding year
+    Did Nature mourn her lessening store.
+  A Primrose on the river's brim
+  A Party emblem was to him,
+    And it was nothing more!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DISINFECTING THE WIGS.--"_L'Enfant Prodigue_," which is filling
+the Prince of Wales's Theatre day and night, has much in it that is
+delightful. Perhaps there is nothing quite excels the subtle touch in
+the programme where it is written: "The theatre is disinfected by the
+Sanitas Company, Limited. _The Wigs by Clarkson_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CURIOUS, AND "MORE ANON!"--The _Evelyn_ v. _Hurlbert_ trial was as
+full of literary interest as a sale of old books and manuscripts.
+Specially valuable were copies of _Evelyn's Diary_; while, in spite
+of the pressing demand, _Murray's Memoirs_ were uncommonly scarce.
+Victorious Mr. HURLBERT! Yet for all his triumph, he will be, for some
+time, a "very much Murray'd man."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SAVOY QUESTION.--The general idea of the forthcoming new Opera at
+the Savoy appears to be "all Dance to SOLOMON's music." Is it to be
+a pantomime-drama, like _L'Enfant Prodigue_, or simply a ballet? If
+neither, where do song-words and dialogue come in?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, April 20_.--The other week T.C. BARING
+was sitting among us, one of the Members for the City of London.
+Now BARING is no more, and to-night HUCKS GIBBS comes in to take his
+place. VICARY G. brought his father down; watched him take oath and
+has undertaken generally to see him through. In fact, when GIBBS
+_père_ hesitated about taking the proffered seat for the City, VICARY
+undertook to fill it; finally, GIBBS _père_ being warmly pressed,
+consented to sit, and VICARY stood aside. But he will come in
+by-and-by, when he has given his father a turn.
+
+[Illustration: Late Member for the City.]
+
+"Age before honesty, is my motto," said VICARY, when I complimented
+him upon the fine feeling he has shown throughout these negotiations.
+"I always think that we young fellows lose nothing by giving our
+elders a start. My father, you know, sometime ago wanted to change the
+name of our firm. Suggested it should be called SONS & ANTONY GIBBS.
+There's something in it; but on the whole, better leave things as they
+are. ANTONY GIBBS & SONS known all over the world; always embarrassing
+to change style of an old firm; so, for the present, at least, we
+leave things alone. Come along, _Pater_; think I'll take you home now.
+Never rush wildly into new engagements; you've had the excitement of
+being sworn in, and signing the roll of Parliament. You hadn't been
+in the place ten minutes before TIM HEALY gave you a chance of voting
+on a London City Bill, and that's enough for one night. By-and-by you
+shall stay all night and enjoy yourself in Committee on Irish Land
+Bill."
+
+So ANTONY GIBBS AND SON went off before dinner. Didn't miss much;
+grinding away at Irish Land Bill; most soul-depressing experience of
+modern life; no heart in it; no reality; SAGE of Queen Anne's Gate
+brings up amendment after amendment, and makes successive speeches;
+SEYMOUR KEAY does ditto; SHAW-LEFEVRE adds new terror to situation
+by taking voluminous notes which promise illimitable succession of
+orations; House empty; PRINCE ARTHUR has the full length of Treasury
+Bench on which to lounge. Occasionally Division-bell rings; Members
+troop in by the hundred; follow their leaders into Lobby right or
+left, deciding question they haven't heard debated, and mere drift
+of which two-thirds don't understand.
+
+BRER FOX absent to-night, which precludes possibility of flare-up
+in Irish Camp. TIM faithful to his post, but lacks inspiration of
+contiguity to BRER FOX.
+
+"PARNELL's played out," said TIM, referring in course of evening to
+BRER FOX's reception in his latest run through Ireland. "He may ramp
+and roar here, but his game's up in Ireland."
+
+"And is he resigned to the situation?" I asked.
+
+TIM looked at me, half winking his miraculously preserved right eye.
+
+"Did you ever hear, TOBY, what the weeping widow said to the parson,
+who asked, 'Was your husband resigned to die?' 'He had ter be,' she
+said, choking a sob."
+
+_Business done._--Very little in the Irish Land Bill.
+
+_Tuesday._--Mr. G.'s presence at Morning Sitting gave only possible
+fillip to interminable Debate on Land Purchase Bill. BRER FOX still
+away, so comparative peace reigns in Irish Camp. TIM HEALY no one to
+butt his head against; COLONEL NOLAN too busy deploying his army of
+five men; showing them how to retreat in good order when Division-bell
+rings, and how, when it is decided to vote, they shall pass out
+through one door, march in at the other, cross the floor, and look
+as much as possible as if they were ten instead of five. T.W.
+RUSSELL--"Roaring" RUSSELL, as his old colleague in Temperance fights,
+WILFRID LAWSON, calls him--frequently on his legs. At sound of
+his voice, Mr. G. gets his back up; interposes interjections and
+corrections; and presently, when he can stand it no longer, plunges
+into a speech.
+
+Another time SAUNDERSON draws him. "I am very sorry," said Mr. G.,
+who has been itching to speak for last half-hour, "that the hon. and
+gallant Gentleman has dragged me into debate by gross misstatements."
+
+Being there, however, Mr. G. enjoys himself passably well, grinding
+SAUNDERSON to powder, and hewing RUSSELL to pieces before the Lord
+STRATHEDEN AND CAMPBELL, who are sleeping peacefully together in
+the Gallery. "Like the Babes in the Wood," said PLUNKET, looking up
+smilingly at the face in the Gallery, which looks twice as wise when
+asleep as the ordinary man does in full possession of his senses.
+
+[Illustration: "Roaring" Russell.]
+
+"I know," Mr. G. continued, in measured accents of polite scorn, "that
+the eloquence of the hon. and gallant Gentleman (meaning SAUNDERSON)
+is as ungovernable as I am afraid it is sometimes unprofitable. In the
+exercise of the understanding which the Almighty has given him, he has
+represented me as being a supporter of this Bill."
+
+Words cannot convey adequate impression of the subtlety of emotion
+conveyed by this unwonted, perhaps unprecedented, invocation. An
+unmistakeable, though unspoken, indication of mingled feeling--pity
+for one so meagrely endowed, and marvel that, out of boundless stores,
+the Deity could, even in this instance, have been so chary of gifts.
+
+_Business done._--Still less in Committee on Irish Land Bill.
+
+_Thursday._--Rival shows in both Houses to-night. Lords running the
+Newfoundland Delegates at the Bar; in the Commons Budget on. On the
+whole, Commons drew the fullest House, to which JOKIM descanted for
+nearly three hours. If he'd taken two, the speech would have been a
+third less long, and three times as successful. Still the Budget comes
+but once a year, and CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER feels bound to make
+the most of opportunity. Pretty plain sailing for first two hours.
+Then JOKIM ran aground. It was General STAMPS that did it all.
+Appeared unexpectedly in long list of details setting forth Estimates
+for Revenue in coming year. Nobody ever heard before of the General;
+thought, at least, he must belong to the Army Estimates. But JOKIM
+would have him in, spurs and epaulettes, and all.
+
+"General STAMPS," he said, regardless of grammar, "have fallen off."
+JOKIM, in his loose way, omitted to say off what; presumed to be
+his horse. House not sorry to hear it; had enough of the mysterious
+warrior. But he was up again a few minutes' later. "General STAMPS,"
+JOKIM continued, in his airy fashion, "apart from the Death Duties, I
+reduce from £6,700,000 to £5,900,000."
+
+"Better reduce him to the ranks at once," said Admiral FIELD, who is a
+terrible martinet.
+
+But JOKIM took no notice of the suggestion; floundered along, bungling
+terribly. Committee tried to help him out; that didn't help matters
+much. To have a Member in one part of the House filling up an awkward
+pause by suggesting "dried fruit," another "coffee," a third "rum,"
+and a fourth "probate duty," when after all, JOKIM was thinking of
+the Income Tax or General STAMPS, evidently not designed to advance
+matters.
+
+"The Committee knows what I mean," JOKIM said, piteously, looking
+round out of a morass a little deeper than he'd been in lately. But
+that is exactly what the Committee didn't do.
+
+"Then," said JOKIM, "you'll understand the figures when you read them
+in the papers to-morrow." Something in that; House mollified; still
+can't help thinking that if it is to wait till next morning to read
+report of Chancellor's Budget Speech in order to understand his
+statements, some preliminary time might be saved in the evening.
+
+_Business done._--Budget brought in.
+
+_Friday Night._--Missed OLD MORALITY from Treasury Bench; looked in
+his room; found him in arm-chair, collapsed, by fire-place, with copy
+of _Morning Advertiser_ in his hand.
+
+"What's the matter?" I asked. "Surely you've not been reading JOKIM's
+Budget Speech right through!" He certainly looked as if he had.
+
+"No, TOBY," he said; "it's not that; it's the Leader. Haven't you seen
+what the _Morning Advertiser_ says about me? 'For the first time in
+our recollection he (that's me) bears on his political escutcheon a
+deep smudge of dishonour': and that's all because JOKIM wouldn't take
+a penny off a barrel of beer, and twopence off a gallon of spirits.
+It's the injustice I feel most acutely. It doesn't seem fair that Mr.
+BUNG should try to intimidate JOKIM by abusing me."
+
+"It _is_ hard," I said; "but it's no use sitting moping here. Come
+along into House; they're in Committee on the Land Bill; an hour or
+two of that'll freshen you up." And it did.
+
+_Business done._--In Committee on the Irish Land Bill.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
+Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+100, May 2, 1891, by Various
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14141 ***