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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:43:47 -0700 |
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| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:43:47 -0700 |
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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/14141-0.txt b/14141-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ea00f32 --- /dev/null +++ b/14141-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1304 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14141 *** + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 100. + + + +May 2, 1891. + + + + +SONGS OF THE UN-SENTIMENTALIST. + +A DUSTMAN'S SILENT TEAR. + + I know not how that Dustman stirred my ire: + He may have failed to call when due: but he-- + My breast being charged with economic fire,-- + Was mulcted of his customary fee. + I was informed, at first he did not seem + To grasp the cruel sense of what he heard, + But asked, "Wot's this 'ere game?" as if some dream + Of evil portents all his pulses stirred; + Then, muttering, he turned, and went his way + Dejected, broken! I had stopped his beer! + Ah! from that Dustman who, alas! can say + I did not wring a sad and silent tear! + + I thought the matter o'er. I vowed no more, + That I with grief would moisten any eye; + Henceforth, whene'er that Dustman passed my door, + Upon his beer he knew he could rely! + Nay more! For never heeding if my bin + Were full or empty, I that Dustman hailed; + His grateful smile my one desire to win; + I felt I could not help it if I failed. + Twice every week he came,--his twopence drew: + That Dustman seemed to brighten with his beer. + And, if he wept, thank Heaven, at least I knew + With joy, not grief, _he shed his silent tear!_ + + * * * * * + + +LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY. + +[CONTINUED.] + +_Thursday, April 16_.--On looking through my book I find that I am +now a member of ten Billsbury Cricket Clubs, to most of which I am a +Vice-President. Not bad, considering that my average in my last year +at school was four, and that I didn't play more than half-a-dozen +times at Oxford. TOLLAND says there are many more Foot-ball Clubs +than Cricket Clubs--a pleasant prospect for me in the Autumn. Have +also had to subscribe to six Missions of various kinds, four Easter +Monday _Fêtes_, six Friendly Societies, three Literary and Scientific +Institutes, five Temperance Associations, four Quoit Clubs, two +Swimming Clubs, seven Sunday Schools, five Church or Chapel Building +Funds, three Ornithological Societies, two Christian Young Men's +Associations, three Children's Free Dinner Funds, one Angling +Association, not to speak of Fire Brigade, Dispensaries, and Brass +Bands. Have also given a Prize to be shot for by Volunteers, as +CHUBSON gives one every year. What with £80 subscription to +the Registration Fund, things are beginning to mount up pretty +considerably. + +[Illustration] + +Have spoken at three meetings since the Mass Meeting. TOLLAND said, +"You needn't refer to Sir THOMAS CHUBSON yourself. Leave our people +to do that. They enjoy that kind of thing, and know how to do it." +They do, indeed. At our last meeting, HOLLEBONE, the Secretary of +the Junior Conservative Club, went on at him for twenty minutes in +proposing resolution of confidence in me. "Sir THOMAS," he said, +"talks of his pledges. The less Sir THOMAS says about them the +better. I can't walk out anywhere in Billsbury for two minutes without +tripping over the broken fragments of some of Sir THOMAS's pledges. +It's getting quite dangerous. Sir THOMAS, they say, made himself. It's +a pity he couldn't put in a little consistency when he was engaged on +the job. We don't want any purse-proud Radical knights to represent +us. We want a straightforward man, who says what he means; and you'll +agree with me, fellow-townsmen, that we've got one in our eloquent and +popular young Candidate." + +This went down very well. Next day, however, the _Meteor_ +"parallel-columned" Sir THOMAS CHUBSON's career and mine. +Mine occupied six lines; Sir THOMAS's "Life of honourable and +self-sacrificing industry" ran to nearly a column. "It will be +observed," said the _Meteor_, "that there is a good deal of blank +space in Mr. PATTLE's comparative career; but this no doubt recommends +him to his Conservative friends, who are quite equal to filling it +brilliantly with their imaginative rhetoric about his chances of +success." + +Primrose Day, the day after to-morrow. We're going to have a great +demonstration at Billsbury. Mother is going down with me to-morrow. + +_April 20th, "George Hotel," Billsbury_.--The Demonstration yesterday +was a splendid success. At ten o'clock in the morning the Conservative +Band marched up to the Hotel and played patriotic airs under the +window. Mother and I drove to the Beaconsfield Club in an open +carriage and pair, escorted by the band. Mother's bonnet was all +primroses, and she carried an immense bouquet of them. _Carlo_ +came with us and sat on the back-seat. His collar was stuck full of +primroses, and small bunches were tied on to the tufts on his back +and at the end of his tail. I wore a buttonhole of primroses, and +carried a huge primrose wreath to be placed round the bust of LORD +BEACONSFIELD, which stands in the hall of the Club. The coachman and +horses too were all tricked out with bunches. TOLLAND and CHORKLE, +and all the leaders of the Party, met us at the entrance of the Club, +and the ceremony of depositing the flowers all round the bust began. +CHORKLE, who once shook hands with DIZZY in the lobby of the House, +made a great speech, mostly composed of personal reminiscences of our +great departed leader. (By the way CHORKLE has six children, five +of them being sons, whose names are BENJAMIN DISRAELI CHORKLE, CECIL +SALISBURY CHORKLE, STRAFFORD THOROUGH CHORKLE, HOBBES LEVIATHAN +CHORKLE, and RANDOLPH CHURCHILL CHORKLE.) The sixth, eighteen months +old, is a girl. Her name is WILLIAMINA HENRIETTA SMITH CHORKLE. They +were all present, covered with primroses. I added a few words about +the inspiring effect that the contemplation of LORD BEACONSFIELD's +career must have upon the youth of the country. Mother's bouquet kept +falling off the place she had put it on, and two or three enthusiasts +always dashed forward to pick it up, causing a good many collisions. +In the middle of my speech, _Carlo_ walked into the centre of the +hall, sat down and proceeded to gnaw off the primroses which had been +tied to his tail. He then ate them all solemnly, and after that rolled +over on his back with his paws stuck straight out, pretending he was +dead. I must tell Mother not to bring that dog again. There was a +great banquet in the evening. VULLIAMY came down for it and spoke very +kindly about me in his speech. Said he had followed my career with +profound interest and pleasure from my earliest years. I've only known +him a year. + + * * * * * + +NOTHING LIKE DISCIPLINE! + +(_EXTRACT FROM THE DIARY OF_ PRIVATE ATKINS, _PRINCE'S COMPANY, 4TH +BATTALION, H.M.'S GUZZLEBEER GUARDS._) + +_Monday_.--Joined the Regiment. Appeared on Parade, and was requested +to come to "attention," although the Sergeant _must_ have seen that I +was "standing at ease." Expressed a desire that the Commanding-officer +should rectify the mistake, when all ended amicably. Sergeant +apologised, and promised that it should not occur again. Satisfied. +Both Sergeant and Commanding-officer well up in their duties! + +[Illustration] + +_Tuesday_.--Bugle sounded too early for Assembly. Sent a message to +the Adjutant by his orderly (with my compliments) saying that I would +feel much obliged if the Parade were postponed an hour. Adjutant +returned _his_ compliments, with a request that I would give in +writing my reason for desiring a delay. Explained (by word of mouth) +that I wanted to read the newspapers. Parade consequently postponed as +requested. Obliging chap the Adjutant! + +_Wednesday_.--Warned for Guard. Sent for the Major of my +half-battalion (don't like bothering the Commanding-officer about +every trifle), and explained that, although the Surgeon had seen me, +and reported me fit, I had a presentiment that the easterly winds +would play the very mischief with me if I went "Sentry Go." Major +thought, perhaps it would be better if I were struck off duty. Excused +Guard in consequence. Good sort Major of my half-battalion! + +_Thursday_.--Sorry to find rations very unsatisfactory. Complained +to the Officer of the day, who reported the matter to the Captain. +Captain said he would have asked the entire company to dine with him +at his Club had he not been engaged. He then passed us on to his +Subs. The latter most obligingly gave us some food at a Restaurant. +_Châteaubriand_ excellent, _Sole à la Normande_ decent, but _Potage à +la bisque_ too rich. Mistake to order the latter, as one can never get +it _really_ good, except on the Continent. Wine tol-lol. Pol Royer of +'84. However, spent a very pleasant evening. Both Subs, when you know +them, not half bad fellows! + +_Friday_.--Rather a head, and felt generally out of sorts. Warned for +Kit-inspection. Couldn't stand this, so called upon General Commanding +District. Not at home, but was asked would I see his _locum tenens_? +Replied in the negative, as I don't believe in go-betweens. Didn't +return to barracks, as I thought I might get a breath of sea-air at +Southend. + +_Saturday_.--Arrested and conveyed to the Guard-room. Suppose I +shall be released with a caution. At any rate, for the present, diary +confiscated. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE GARDEN OF SLEEP; + +OR, "PUT THAT IN YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT!" + +_Miss India_. "EVICT ME? WITH PLEASURE, SAHIB. BUT HOW ABOUT +'COMPENSATION FOR DISTURBANCE?'"] + + * * * * * + + In the heart of fair Ind, which JOHN BULL hopes to keep, + Trade planted a Garden--a Garden of Sleep; + 'Neath the hot Eastern sky--in the place of good corn-- + It is there that the baneful white Poppy is born,-- + Chinese Johnny's desire, lending dreams of delight, + Which are his when the poppy-juice cometh in sight. + Oh! the Mart hath no heart, and Trade laugheth to scorn + The plea of friend PEASE, where the Poppies are born. + + In this Garden of Sleep, where white Poppies are spread, + Fair INDIA plucketh the opiate head. + JOHN BULL says. "My dear, PEASE's tales make me creep. + He swears it, fills graves with 'pigtails,' who seek sleep!" + Fair INDIA replies, "That may possibly be; + But they Revenue bring, some Six Millions, you see! + Turn me out if you will, smash the Trade if you must; + But--you'll make up the money somehow, Sir, I trust!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WANTED--A LOCAL HABITATION. + +(_Commended by Mr. Punch to the Patrons of British Art._) + +_English Art_ (_to Sir James L-nt-n, Messrs. T-te and Agn-w_), "NOW, +GENTLEMEN, THE GOVERNMENT HAS GIVEN THE SITE FOR MY HOUSE,--IT ONLY +REMAINS FOR YOU TO BUILD IT." + +[The CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER announced that the Government had +assigned a site for the new Gallery of Modern Art, as he thought it +would be unwise to risk the failure of the gift of £80,000 which had +been offered to erect a building.]] + + * * * * * + +SOMEBODY'S LUGGAGE. + +In view of the intense public excitement aroused by the statement that +Lord RANDOLPH CHURCHILL, in his expedition to Mashonaland, is only +going to take two books with him--SHAKSPEARE and MOLIÈRE--an Inquiring +Correspondent has recently written to several eminent persons on this +subject, and has received--so he says--the following replies:-- + +SIR,--You ask me what books I should take if I were contemplating +a visit to the Dark Continent, like Lord RANDOLPH CHURCHILL. +The question, in the abstract, and without reference to my own +personality, is an interesting one, and no doubt human fallibility +would, in the case you suppose, induce me to take several volumes of +my own _Gleanings_ with me,--not so much for their intrinsic merits, +as because perhaps they might form a new kind of literature for native +African potentates. HOMER, too, _of course_. At my time of life, +however, I must be excused from grappling with any new Continents, +dark or otherwise. I find that Ireland is quite dark enough for me +just now. Excuse a card. Yours, W.E. GL-DST-NE. + +SIR,--As I am not "contemplating an expedition to the Dark Continent," +and have no sympathy with Hottentots, there seems to be no sufficient +reason for my answering your questions, or for your asking them. +S-L-SB-RY. + +SIR,--Your question is ridiculous. The only books worth taking to +Africa, or anywhere else, would be a bound copy of last year's +_Review of Reviews_, GENERAL BOOTH's epoch-making volume, and--this +is indispensable--SIR C. D-LKE's invaluable _Problems of Greater +Britain._ When I went to Rome, I naturally took with me the "hundred +best books in the world." They were a little heavy, but I thought +the POPE would like to see them. However, circumstances prevented my +presenting them to His Holiness. Yours, W.T. ST-D. + +SIR,--I don't know much about books. I've just written rather a good +one on _Cricket_, and I think if I were going to Africa I should take +a supply. From all I've heard of TIPPOO TIB, I should think he would +enjoy the game; at any rate TIPPOO ought to be able to master tip and +run without much difficulty. W.G. GR-CE. + +SIR,--Having consulted my relatives--also CAPTAIN M-L-SW-RTH--as +to whether there would be any impropriety in giving a reply to your +questions, I am happy to say that they seem to think there would be +none, but that on the contrary it might even assist the takings at the +Aquarium. I may therefore mention that if I were proceeding to Central +Africa there is _only one book_ I should dream of taking with me. That +would be a copy of the Proceedings of the London County Council, since +the joyful date of its advent on this planet. Yours obediently, Z-o. + +SIR,--The one book I should take with me to Africa would be DR. +PETERS' recent valuable work--_More Light on Dark Africa_. I should +give it to the Dwarfs. It would make capital poisoned arrows. H.M. +ST-NL-Y. + +SIR,--The only book worth thinking about for such an expedition as +you mention would be STANLEY's _In Darkest Africa_. Its Maps would be +invaluable,--as presents for a rival explorer, whom one might desire +to mislead as to his route. CARL P-T-RS. + + * * * * * + +MR. HERKOMER AND MR. PENNELL. + +PROFESSOR HERKOMER defends the use of Photography for the engraver's +purposes, and clearly thinks that what TENNYSON ought to have written, +in _Locksley Hall_, was-- + +"And the thoughts of men are widened by a Process of the Sun's." + +He also comforts himself with the reflection that being called over +the coals in the _National Observer_, is one of the PENNELL-ties of +success. + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S POCKET IBSEN. + +(_CONDENSED AND REVISED VERSION BY MR. P.'S OWN HARMLESS IBSENITE_.) + +NO. III.--HEDDA GABLER. + +ACT II. + + SCENE--_The cheerful dark Drawing-room. It is afternoon. + HEDDA stands loading a revolver in the back Drawing-room._ + +_Hedda_ (_looking out, and shouting_). How do you do, Judge? (_Aims at +him._) Mind yourself! [_She fires._ + +_Brack_ (_entering_). What the devil! Do you usually take pot-shots at +casual visitors? [_Annoyed._ + +_Hedda_. Invariably, when they come by the back-garden. It is my +unconventional way of intimating that I am at home. One does do these +things in realistic dramas, you know. And I was only aiming at the +blue sky. + +_Brack_. Which accounts for the condition of my hat. (_Exhibiting +it._) Look here--_riddled_! + +_Hedda_. Couldn't help myself. I am so horribly bored with TESMAN. +Everlastingly to be with a professional person! + +_Brack_ (_sympathetically_). Our excellent TESMAN is certainly a bit +of a bore. (_Looks searchingly at her_.) What on earth made you marry +him? + +_Hedda_. Tired of dancing, my dear, that's all. And then I used TESMAN +to take me home from parties; and we saw this villa; and I said I +liked it, and so did he; and so we found some common ground, and here +we are, do you see! And I loathe TESMAN, and I don't even like the +villa now; and I do feel the want of an entertaining companion so! + +[Illustration: "I am a Norwegian literary man, and peculiar."] + +_Brack_. Try me. Just the kind of three-cornered arrangement that +I like. Let me be the third person in the +compartment--(_confidentially_)--the tried friend, and, generally +speaking, cock of the walk! + +_Hedda_ (_audibly drawing in her breath_). I cannot resist your +polished way of putting things. We will conclude a triple alliance. +But hush!--here comes TESMAN. + + [_Enter GEORGE, with a number of books under his arm._ + +_George_. Puff! I _am_ hot, HEDDA. I've been looking into LÖVBORG's +new book. Wonderfully thoughtful--confound him! But I must go and +dress for your party, Judge. [_He goes out._ + +_Hedda_. I wish I could get TESMAN to take to politics, Judge. +Couldn't he be a Cabinet Minister, or something? + +_Brack_. H'm! + + [_A short pause; both look at one another, without speaking. + Enter GEORGE, in evening dress, with gloves._ + +_George_. It is afternoon, and your party is at half-past seven--but I +like to dress early. Fancy that! And I am expecting LÖVBORG. + + [_EJLERT LÖVBORG comes in from the hall; he is worn and pale, + with red patches on his cheek-bones, and wears an elegant + perfectly new visiting-suit, and black gloves._ + +_George_. Welcome! (_Introduces him to BRACK._) Listen--I have got +your new book, but I haven't read it through yet. + +_Lövborg_. You needn't--it's rubbish. (_Takes a packet of MSS. out._) +This _isn't_. It's in three parts; the first about the civilising +forces of the future, the second about the future of the civilising +forces, and the third about the forces of the future civilisation. I +thought I'd read you a little of it this evening? + +_Brack and George_ (_hastily_). Awfully nice of you--but there's a +little party this evening--so sorry we can't stop! Won't you come too? + +_Hedda_. No, he must stop and read it to me and Mrs. ELVSTED instead. + +_George_. It would never have occurred to me to think of such clever +things! Are you going to oppose me for the Professorship, eh? + +_Lövborg_ (_modestly_). No; I shall only triumph over you in the +popular judgment--that's all! + +_George_. Oh, is that all? Fancy! Let us go into the back drawing-room +and drink cold punch. + +_Lövborg_. Thanks--but I am a reformed character, and have renounced +cold punch--it is poison. + + [_GEORGE and BRACK go into the back-room and drink punch, + whilst HEDDA shows LÖVBORG a photograph album in the front._ + +_Lövborg_ (_slowly, in a low tone_). HEDDA GABLER! how _could_ you +throw yourself away like this!--Oh, is _that_ the ORTLER Group? +Beautiful!--Have you forgotten how we used to sit on the settee +together behind an illustrated paper, and--yes, very picturesque +peaks--I told you all about how I had been on the loose? + +_Hedda_. Now, none of that, here! These are the Dolomites.--Yes, I +remember; it was a beautiful fascinating Norwegian intimacy--but +it's over now. See, we spent a night in that little mountain village, +TESMAN and I! + +_Lövborg_. Did you, indeed? Do you remember that delicious moment when +you threatened to shoot me down--(_tenderly_)--I do! + +_Hedda_ (_carelessly_). Did I? I have done that to so many people. But +now all that is past, and you have found the loveliest consolation +in dear, good, little Mrs. ELVSTED--ah, here she is! (_Enter_ Mrs. +ELVSTED.) Now, THEA, sit down and drink up a good glass of cold punch. +Mr. LÖVBORG is going to have some. If you don't, Mr. LÖVBORG, GEORGE +and the Judge will think you are afraid of taking too much if you once +begin. + +_Mrs. E._ Oh, please, HEDDA! When I've inspired Mr. LÖVBORG so--good +gracious! _don't_ make him drink cold punch! + +_Hedda_. You see, Mr. LÖVBORG, our dear little friend can't _trust_ +you! + +_Lövborg_. So _that_ is my comrade's faith in me! (_Gloomily._) _I_'ll +show her if I am to be trusted or not. (_He drinks a glass of punch_.) +Now I'll go to the Judge's party. I'll have another glass first. +Your health, THEA! So you came up to spy on me, eh? I'll drink the +Sheriff's health--_everybody's_ health! + + [_He tries to get more punch._ + +_Hedda_ (_stopping him_). No more now. You are going to a party, +remember. [GEORGE _and_ TESMAN _come in from back-room._ + +_Lövborg._ Don't be angry, THEA. I was fallen for a moment. Now I'm up +again! (Mrs. E. _beams with delight_). Judge, I'll come to your party, +as you _are_ so pressing, and I'll read GEORGE my manuscript all the +evening. I'll do all in _my_ power to make that party go! + +_George_. No? fancy! that _will_ be amusing! + +_Hedda_. There, go away, you wild rollicking creatures! But Mr. +LÖVBORG must be back at ten, to take dear THEA home! + +_Mrs. E._ Oh, goodness, yes! (_In concealed agony._) Mr. LÖVBORG, I +shan't go away till you do! + + [_The three men go out laughing merrily; the Act-drop is + lowered for a minute; when it is raised, it is 7 A.M., and + Mrs. ELVSTED and HEDDA are discovered sitting up, with rugs + around them._ + +_Mrs. E._ (_wearily_). Seven in the morning, and Mr. LÖVBORG not here +to take me home _yet_! what _can_ he be doing? + +_Hedda_ (_yawning_). Reading to TESMAN, with vine-leaves in his hair, +I suppose. Perhaps he has got to the third part. + +_Mrs. E._ Oh, do you _really_ think so, HEDDA? Oh, if I could but hope +he was doing that! + +_Hedda_. You silly little ninny! I should like to scorch your hair +off. Go to bed! [Mrs. E. _goes. Enter_ GEORGE. + +_George_. I'm a little late, eh? But we made _such_ a night of it. +Fancy! It was most amusing. EJLERT read his book to me--think of that! +Astonishing book! Oh, we really had great fun! I wish _I'd_ written +it. Pity he's so irreclaimable. + +_Hedda_. I suppose you mean he has more of the courage of life than +most people? + +_George_. Good Lord! He had the courage to get more drunk than +most people. But, altogether, it was what you might almost call a +Bacchanalian orgy. We finished up by going to have early coffee with +some of these jolly chaps, and poor old LÖVBORG dropped his precious +manuscript in the mud, and I picked it up--and here it is! Fancy +if anything were to happen to it! He never could write it again. +_Wouldn't_ it be sad, eh? Don't tell anyone about it. + + [_He leaves the packet of MSS. on a chair, and rushes out; + HEDDA hides the packet as BRACK enters._ + +_Brack_. _Another_ early call, you see! My party was such a singularly +animated _soirée_ that I haven't undressed all night. Oh, it was +the liveliest affair conceivable! And, like a true Norwegian host, +I tracked LÖVBORG home; and it is only my duty, as a friend of the +house, and cock of the walk, to take the first opportunity of telling +you that he finished up the evening by coming to mere loggerheads with +a red-haired opera-singer, and being taken off to the police-station! +You mustn't have him here any more. Remember our little triple +alliance! + +_Hedda_ (_her smile fading away_). You are certainly a dangerous +person--but you must not get a hold over me! + +_Brack_ (_ambiguously_). What an idea! But I might--I am an +insinuating dog. Good morning! [_Goes out._ + +_Lövborg_ (_bursting in, confused and excited_). I suppose you've +heard where _I've_ been? + +_Hedda_ (_evasively_). I heard you had a very jolly party at Judge +BRACK's. [Mrs. ELVSTED _comes in._ + +_Lövborg_. It's all over. I don't mean to do any more work. I've no +use for a companion now, THEA. Go home to your Sheriff! + +_Mrs. E._ (_agitated_). Never! I want to be with you when your book +comes out! + +_Lövborg_. It won't _come_ out--I've torn it up! (_Mrs. E. rushes out, +wringing her hands_.) Mrs. TESMAN, I told her a lie--but no matter. +I haven't torn my book up--I've done worse! I've taken it about to +several parties, and it's been through a police-row with me--now I've +lost it. Even if I found it again, it wouldn't be the same--not to me! +I am a Norwegian literary man, and peculiar. So I must make an end of +it altogether! + +_Hedda_. Quite so--but look here, you must do it beautifully. I +don't insist on your putting vine-leaves in your hair--but do it +beautifully. (_Fetches pistol._) See, here is one of General GABLER's +pistols--do it with _that_! + +_Lövborg._ Thanks! + + [_He takes the pistol, and goes out through the hall-door; + as soon as he has gone, HEDDA brings out the manuscript, and + puts it on the fire, whispering to herself, as Curtain falls._ + + * * * * * + +CAN A MAN IMPRISON HIS WIFE? + +(_AN AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL CONSIDERATION OF THE QUESTION, BY AN EMINENT +LEGAL AUTHORITY._) + +[Illustration: Summing Up.] + +It may be remembered that (I trust) in deserved acknowledgment of +my professional pre-eminence, I received, some little while ago, +the appointment of a Deputy-Assistant-Revising-Barristership. In +performing the duties of this important office, I sometimes have to +incur bodily risk--the more especially when I have to distinguish +between the rival claims of the political parties that I am sorry +to say have made Lambville-cum-Minton the antithesis of heaven upon +earth. On the occasion to which I particularly wish to refer, I was +accompanied by my Wife, to my secret annoyance, as I am afraid the +Lady who does me the honour to share my name is unduly apprehensive of +my safety, and, besides this general plea, I had yet another special +reason for desiring her absence. To tell the truth, I had been greatly +moved by a decision given in the Court of Appeal, whereby it seemed to +me (and no doubt to many of my learned friends) the custody of a wife +by her husband had become an empty phrase, signifying nothing. I felt +that if, by any means, I could get this judgment set aside, I would +not only confer upon myself, as a married man, a signal benefit, but, +moreover, as a Counsel, obtain increased professional distinction. +However, I was embarrassed by the presence of my Wife, when I came +to consider the best mode in which marital authority might be +assumed to raise the question of the right of _habeas corpus_. I +had returned to my room before the opening of the Registration +Court at Lambville-cum-Minton, in rather a disturbed frame of mind. +Truth to tell, my Wife, having learned that political feeling +was rising so high in the town that it was possible that the +Deputy-Assistant-Revising-Barrister might be assaulted by either or +both of the rival factions, had done her best to dissuade me from +taking my customary seat. + +"What shall I do, to say nothing of the darling children, if you are +brought home on a hurdle?" she sobbed out. + +I assured her that there was a very remote risk of my succumbing to +such a fate, as the conveyance home on a hurdle raised the presumption +that the victim had been hunting, a sport in which I seldom, I may +say, never indulged. But this explanation did not reassure her, +and she left me in tears. Her emotion caused me much pain, the more +especially as my proposed task seemed to me, under the circumstances, +a species of domestic treason. However, I hardened my heart, and sat +down to consider the facts of the case. To allow the right of seizure +to be argued, it would be necessary to take my Wife out of the custody +of someone other than myself. Her mother, a most estimable old lady, +with whom I have had many a pleasant and exciting game of backgammon, +seemed a right and proper person to assist me in carrying out my +project. But the objection immediately occurred to me that it would +be an exceedingly difficult matter to induce her to hold my Wife from +me unless I desired her to take such a course. But if I made this +request, would not the proceeding savour of collusion? To meet this +obstacle I came to the conclusion that I might get my Wife to pay +a visit to her mother, and then, appropriately disguised, seize and +carry her off. By locking her in the conveyance and riding on the box, +I could preserve my incognito until reaching home, and then I might +confine her in her own room with assumed harshness, and possibly (of +this I had some doubt) get her to complain of her imprisonment. By +keeping my Wife's domicile a close secret, her mother would be induced +to visit me to ask my professional assistance in recovering her +daughter. Thus approached it would be possible to so advise the old +lady that in the result she would demand my Wife's presence in Court +under a writ of _habeas corpus_. Then would come my opportunity. +Of course I would produce my Wife, and having carefully prepared my +arguments, would deliver an oration that would fill columns of the +newspapers, and hand down my name to generations to come as _the_ +authority on marital rights. I saw in the near future wealth and +restored domestic happiness. But the first thing to do was to lock +up my Wife. And at this point it occurred to me that it was time for +me to walk over to the Revision Court. I hastily gathered certain +necessary articles into my brief-bag, and putting on my hat, grasped +the handle of the door. To my surprise I found that I could obtain no +egress. I rang the bell--and instead of a servant my Wife answered the +summons. "The door is locked, dear," I observed, "and as the key seems +to be on the other side, will you kindly open it, as I am in a hurry +to be off." + +"You will stay where you are," was the reply. "You are not going to +get killed by attending a nonsensical Revision Court." + +"But I must go," I explained; and then assuming a tone of authority I +rarely adopt, I added, "and you will be good enough to open the door +at once." + +"I shall do nothing of the sort," replied my Wife, calmly. "I locked +you in, and I shan't let you out." + +"What, Madam," I exclaimed; "do you defy my authority?" + +"Certainly!" was the immediate response, "You may say or think what +you like, but you don't leave this house to-day as sure as I am your +lawfully wedded Wife." + +And as a matter of fact I didn't! + +(_Signed._) A. BRIEFLESS, JUNIOR. + +_Pump-handle Court._ + + * * * * * + +OPERATIC NOTES. + +[Illustration] + +_Monday_.--To see MADAME ALBANI as _Violetta_ the consumptive +heroine of "_La Traviata_." Charmingly sung and admirably, nay, most +touchingly, acted. MAUREL excellent as _Germont Senior_, and MONTARIOL +quite the weak-minded masher _Alfredo_. What a different turn the +story might have taken had it occurred to _Violetta_ to have a +flirtation with the handsome middle-aged _père noble_! At one time it +almost seemed as if there had been some change in motive of the Opera +since I last saw it, and that the above original idea was about to +be carried out. But no; in another second _Germont-Maurel_ as "Old +Maurelity" (by kind permission of TOBY, M.P.) had pulled himself +together, and _Albani-Violetta_ was in the depths of remorseful +sorrow. In that gay and festive supper scene, where a physician, +unostentatiously styled _Il Dottore_ (he would probably be _Ill_ +Dottore the morning after) is present to look after the health of the +guests, and perhaps to "propose" it, I noticed with pleasure that, +on the tables, DRURIOLANUS ALDERMANICUS, mindful of civic feasts, had +placed bottles of real champagne, or at least real champagne-bottles. +This interested the audience muchly, and numerous were the glasses +turned in the direction of the bottles--of course 'tis opera-glasses +I mean, yer honour,--in order to ascertain what particular wanity was +_La Traviata's_ favourite; but the bottles were so placed that only +one unimportant word on the label was visible. Was it Pommery '80 +_très sec_?--Or what was it? Impossible to see: it was not mentioned +in the dialogue, so "Mumm" might have been the word. But at all +events, if the wine is one which requires advertisement, the guests +should be told to be very careful to leave the bottles in the same +position as in the old prefatial stage-directions "the reader of the +play" is supposed to be; i.e., "_on the stage, facing the audience_." + +_Wednesday._--_Rigoletto_. M. MAUREL as the Jester; acting good, voice +too loud. ALBANI, as _Gilda_, overwhelmed with encores. M. MONTARIOL's +_Il Duca_ is _Alfredo_ over again, only confirmed in a vicious career. +To obtain an encore for the great but now hackneyed song, "_La Donna +e mobile_," a wonderful rendering is absolutely essential, and somehow +something seems wanting to the success of _Rigoletto_ when this song +goes for nothing and is passed without a rapturous "_bis, bis!_" which +makes a Manager rub his hands and smilingly say to himself, "Good +bis-ness." + +_Thursday._--_Lohengrin_ I believe, but wasn't there. Hope the Opera +went all right without me. Can't be in more places than one at the +same moment. Same remarks apply to Friday and Saturday. + + * * * * * + +TO MISS ALICE ATHERTON AT THE STRAND THEATRE. + + To see her in _Our Daughters_! worth the money! + She 'ATH ER "TON" so genuinely funny! + Yes, ALICE, in such acting, dance, or song, + We recognise thy talent _et ton_ "_ton_." + + * * * * * + +Of the Modern Bill of Costs, the Ancient "Bill of the Play," +SHAKSPEARE, and the present representative of the Ancient Mariner, +L.C.J. COLERIDGE, both observe, "Oh, reform it altogether!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WHAT OUR FIN-DE-SIÈCLISTS ARE GROWING TO. + +"OH, OH, OH! CONFOUND IT!" + +"WHAT _IS_ THE MATTER, ALGY?" + +"I JUST LET MY FOOT OUT ON THE STIRRUP, AND THIS BEAST OF A PONY'S +TROD ON MY TOE!"] + + * * * * * + +HYMEN AND CUPID. + +(_FIN-DE-SIÈCLE VERSION, SOME WAY AFTER MOORE._) + + HYMEN, late, his love-knots selling, + Called at many a maiden's dwelling; + But he found too well they knew him; + None were prompter to pooh-pooh him. + "Who'll buy my love-knots? + Who'll buy my love-knots?" + Soon as that old cry resounded. + How his baskets were surrounded! + + Maidens mocked, with laughter dying, + Those fool-knots of HYMEN's tying; + Dames, who once with him had sided, + Openly his wares derided. + "Who'll buy my love-knots? + Who'll buy my love-knots?" + All at that old cry came flocking, + Mocking in a style quite shocking. + + "Here are knots," said HYMEN, taking + Some loose nooses of Law's making. + "Pooh!" the nymphs cried. "Who can trust 'em? + We have changed your queer old custom. + Who'll buy your love-knots? + Who'll buy your love-knots? + Women they bind not, nor tie men. + You're a helpless gaoler, HYMEN! + + "When the bargain is completed, + We have but to cry, 'We're cheated!' + And you'll find you're sold most sadly. + Love-knots? Fools'-knots! They tie badly. + Who'll buy _your_ love-knots? + Who'll buy _your_ love-knots? + Burdens you would lay our backs on-- + Our reply is--TOLSTOI! JACKSON!" + + HYMEN dropped his torch; its splutter + Was extinguished in the gutter. + "At my torch and crown of roses + These young minxes cock their noses. + Who'll buy my love-knots? + Who'll buy my love-knots?" + What's the use? 'Twixt Law and Passion, + HYMEN's plainly out of fashion! + + LOVE, who saw the whole proceeding, + Would have laughed but for good breeding. + "Best join _me_," he cried, "Old Chappie! + IBSEN read, be free, and happy! + Who'll buy your love-knots? + Who'll buy your love-knots? + Have a spree--all shackles scorning, + Come! We won't go home till morning!'" + + * * * * * + +A BACONIAN THEORY; + +OR, TRYING IT ON. + +SOLOMON isn't in it with Judge BACON. The point was whether Mrs. +MANLEY had made Miss DOROTHY DENE's dresses to fit or not. "To fit or +not to fit, that was the question." The Judge gave his decision after +a fair trial of the two costumes--this might be remembered on both +sides as "the trying-on case,"--that, according to the evidence of +unimpeachable witnesses represented by the Judge's own common-sense +and artistic eye for effect, two of the dresses and a cloak didn't +fit, and that so far, the Defendant, Miss DOROTHY, must consider +herself, in a dress-making sense, "non-suited." Mrs. MANLEY had, of +course, undertaken to provide fits for her customers, and for having +partially failed, her customers determined to return the compliment, +by "giving _her_ fits" if possible. So the parties came before +Judge BACON, and appealed to His Honour. And the learned Judge +mindful of ancestral Baconian wisdom, "_Cast a severe eye upon the +example_"--that is, he examined the dresses most critically,--"_but +a merciful eye upon the person_,"--for the fair Plaintiff and fair +Defendant His Honour showed himself a most fair Judge, unwilling, as +BACON, "to give beans" to either party, and so dismissing them with +his beany-diction. But, _pauca verba_,--and may we always have nothing +but praise to bestow on _Bacon's Essays_. + + * * * * * + +A DISCLAIMER. + +(_BY AN UNIONIST._) + + _I_ "prefer PARNELL"? Oh dear, no! + There is no man I've hated so. + But, since he turned a fierce derider + Of him he calls the "Grand Old Spider;" + Since he has "blown" the Home-Rule "gaff," + And whelmed the Gladstone gang with chaff; + Since he has almost wiped out PIGOTT, + Half justified the Orange bigot; + Proved part of the _Times_' charge at least, + And won the "Hill-men," lost the Priest;-- + Since then--why, hang it, 'tis such fun, + I half forgive him all he's done; + I'll back him, bet on him, and grin; + Give him my vote, and hope he'll win. + But I _prefer_ him? Goodness gracious! + Why _can't_ Gladstonians be veracious? + + * * * * * + +SIR HENRY LOCH'S "STRAIGHT TIP" TO THE INTRUSIVE BOERS IN +MASHONALAND.--"Play us none of your 'treks'!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HYMEN, FIN DE SIÈCLE. "MAIDENS MOCKED, WITH LAUGHTER +DYING, THOSE FOOL-KNOTS OF HYMEN'S TYING."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MOLTKE in German-style script] + +HELMUTH KARL BERNHARD VON MOLTKE. + +_BORN, OCTOBER 26TH, 1803. DIED, APRIL 24TH_, 1891. + + Strong, silent Soldier, whom the unmarked years + Shaped to such service of the Fatherland + As seldom to one firm, unfailing hand, + A State hath owed; to-day a People's tears + Bedew the most illustrious of biers! + The waning century hastening to its close + Hath scarce a greater on its glory-roll, + Hope of thy land, and terror of its foes; + Of foresight keen, and long-enduring soul! + War's greatness is not greatest; there are heights + Of splendour pure mere warriors scarce may scale, + But thou wert more than battle's scourge and flail, + Calm-souled controller of such Titan fights + As mould man's after-history. When thy star + Shone clear at Koniggrätz, men gazed and knew + The light that heralds the great Lords of War; + And when o'er Sedan thy black Eagles flew + And the bold Frank, betrayed and broken, drew + One shuddering gasp of agony and sank, + When thy long-mustered legions rank on rank + Hemmed the fair, fated City of men's love, + Then thy star culminated, shone above + All but the few fixed beacon-lights, which owned + A new compeer. Long steadfastly enthroned + In German hearts, and all men's reverence, + Suddenly, softly thou art summoned hence, + To the great muster, full of years and fame! + How thinks _he_, lord of a co-equal name, + Thine ancient comrade in war's iron lists, + Just left, and lone, of the Titanic Three + Who led the Eagles on to victory? + Calmest of Captains, first of Strategists. + BISMARCK must bend o'er thy belaurelled bier + With more than common grief in the unbidden tear! + + * * * * * + +JOKIM AND JOHN.--The CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER is following Mr. JOHN +HOLLINGSHEAD's example. The latter started "No fees" for Play-time, +and the former advocates "No fees" for School-time. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A PROP OF THE DRAMA. + +"WHAT, BACK ALREADY, ARCHIE! WAS IT A DULL PIECE, THEN?" + +"DON'T KNOW. DIDN'T STOP TO SEE. JUST LOOKED ROUND STALLS AND BOXES, +AND DIDN'T SEE A SOUL I KNEW!--SO I CAME AWAY."] + + * * * * * + +ROBERT AT THE CHILDREN'S FANCY BALL. + +Well, I've said it afore, and now I says it agane, as I don't bleeve +as sich another both bewtifool and elligant site is to be seen in all +the world, as is to be seen at these anniwersary yearly festivals in +our nobel Egipshun All at the honoured Manshun House. + +Of course I don't no what sort of intertainement was held there when +the aincient Egipshuns had it, or weather they ewer was there at +all--for I ain't much of a hantiquery; but, from what I've seen of +some on 'em at the British Mewseum, I should think as there werry +peculyar style of dress was not much sooted to such occashuns. + +[Illustration] + +I thinks, upon the hole, as the children's dresses on this speshal +ocashun "beat the record," as the runners and jumpers says, both for +illigance and wariety, and, shoud I atemt to describe 'em, where on +airth shoud I begin! But, as I must begin sumwheres, I hopes as I +shan't awake the biling jealousy of all the other mothers present +when I says as I gives the Parm Tree to the two rayther youthfool Beef +Eaters. As for the number of Angels and Fairys, with most lovly wings, +they was so numerus, and so bewtifool, that ewen I, a pore Hed Waiter, +coudn't help the thort, that they was a giving me my first glimpse +of Pairodice. Then again I noticed as the grashus and hansum LADY +MARESS--who I should ha liked to ha seen putting herself at the hed of +them all, and leading em all round the bewtifool All--had most kindly +inwited a few poor creetures, such as nusses, and charity Gals, and +plow boys, and setterer, just to let 'em see what they may sum day cum +to be, if so be as they is all good. + +There was a lot of Hartists a going about makin skitches of the werry +prettiest dresses insted of the werry prettiest faces, as I shood most +suttenly have done. One of 'em wanted for to take my picter, but as +I coudn't bleeve it was for my bewty, and was quite sure it wasn't +for my full heavening dress, and coud therefore ony be for fun, I +respekfully declined. + +It is roomered among us Hed Waiters, that the QUEEN's own Daughter, +which she's a Hempress, has told her son, which he's the HEMPEROR +of GERMANY, and is a comin here next July, that the werry loveliest +site as the Grand Old Copperashun can posserbly show him, will be a +reppytishun of the glorious seen as I seed with my own delited eyes on +Wensdy last. + +ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +"Oh Willow! Willow!" Mr. GRACE's memories of Forty years of Cricket +are full of interest, of enthusiasm, and of good stories. "My Early +Cricket Days" will hugely interest young would-be Willow-wielders. +"Cricketers I have Met" is excellent reading, the Champion being as +generous in appreciation as keen in judgment. On the science of the +game he, of course, speaks as one having authority. THACKERAY said he +never saw a boy without wishing to give him a sovereign. The "Co." for +some time to come will not look on an athletic lad without longing +to give him a copy of "Cricket; by W.G. GRACE." He hopes that lots of +other "dasters" will feel the same yearning, and act upon it. + +One of the "Co." reports that he has been reading a work on +_Decorative Electricity_, by Mrs. J.S.H. GORDON, and a very pretty +and original little book he found it, full of suggestions, ingenious, +fanciful, and practical, all at once--a rare combination. "Those +about to" instal--and most of us will find ourselves in that position, +sooner or later--will gain some invaluable hints and ideas from +this volume, which, in addition to its other merits, is charmingly +illustrated. Before very long we shall all be modern Aladdins, +and summon our Slave of the Lamp as a matter of course. But there +is plenty of scope for imagination in devising the form of his +appearance, notwithstanding, and Mrs. GORDON's book shows us how the +Genius may be compelled to present himself in a variety of pleasing +and fantastic shapes. + +The Baron is of opinion that _The Seal of Fate_, by Lady POLLOCK and +W.H. POLLOCK, is an interesting but somewhat discursive novel. Will it +be followed by _The Fate of the Seal_, a tale of the Fishery Question? + +BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & Co. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LORD RANDOLPH--PAST, PRESENT, AND TO COME-BACK.] + + * * * * * + +UPON AFRIC'S SHORE; + +OR, THE BATTLE OF THE HEROES. + +(_NOT BY THE AUTHOR OF "THE BATTLE OF LIMERICK_.") + + Ye lovers of the nation, + Who burn with indignation, + And England's obfuscation perpetually deplore; + Ye flouters of our factions, + And partisan distractions, + How like ye the transactions upon Afric's shore? + + Ye've all heard of the Lion + Who a rival cast his eye on, + (You'll find him in _Bombastes_) and thought the brute a bore. + Such rival Leos flourish, + And mutual hatred nourish, + With a snapping almost currish, upon Afric's shore. + + Faith their manes are _always_ waving, + And their claws for contest craving, + And their forms are always rampant, and they're ever at full roar, + And in book and morning paper, + They still clapperclaw and caper, + And they worry, snarl and vapour about Afric's shore. + + There was EMIN, sage pacific, + The serene and scientific, + Who a wondrous reputation in a hero-patriot bore, + Until "rescued" by brave STANLEY, + Who declared him weak, unmanly. + Oh! 'tis strange how heroes _can_ lie about Afric's shore. + + Then BARTTELOT and TROUP, + JEPHSON, JAMESON--a group + Who each of each "made soup"--off each other tried to score; + And in many a verjuiced "vollum" + STANLEY's jovial "Rear Column" + Was discussed in manner solemn, anent Afric's shore. + + Then the "foreign element" + To it tooth and nail _they_ went, + And the Battle of the Heroes it grew livelier than before. + Now that man, and now this man, + Now DE BRAZZA and now WISSMANN, + Made it hot for poor Old England upon Afric's shore. + + Now comes PETERS! He has slanged + STANLEY awfully, and banged + The "Rescue" party badly. It is getting a big bore, + When, with tempers hot as Indies, + Heroes smash each other's windies, + Pursuing of their shindies about Afric's shore. + + It is doubtless "moighty fine," + Being what _Titmarsh_ called "a line," + And it does Society's "sowl" good (no doubt) to hear him roar; + But 'tis folly to suppose + He _must_ rush upon his foes, + And hit them on the nose, upon Afric's shore. + + * * * * * + +EARLY CLOSING MOVEMENT.--When Mr. SMITH proposed shutting up shop +early on Tuesdays and Fridays, SIR ROBERT FOWLER was all for singing, +"We won't go home till morning (_three times_), Till daylight doth +appear." But, as _Falstaff_ asks, "What doth gravity out of bed after +midnight?" No, Sir ROBERT, doughty knight, take good advice, and +hie thee, armed _Night-cap-à -pie_, to thy couch. Don't get up till +morning, Till (long after) daylight doth appear! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IBSEN IN BRIXTON. + +_Mrs. Harris_. "YES, WILLIAM, I'VE THOUGHT A DEAL ABOUT IT, AND I FIND +I'M NOTHING BUT YOUR DOLL AND DICKEY-BIRD, AND SO I'M GOING!"] + + * * * * * + +THE PARTY PETER BELL. + + A potterer, Sir, he was by trade, + A Party Potterer, much respected, + And every year, when Spring appeared, + The yellow blooms, to bards endeared, + In swarms by PETER were collected. + + He roved among the vales and streams, + In the green wood and hollow dell, + And, upon April's nineteenth day, + Big buttonholers made display + Upon the heart of PETER BELL. + + In vain through each succeeding year + Did Nature mourn her lessening store. + A Primrose on the river's brim + A Party emblem was to him, + And it was nothing more! + + * * * * * + +DISINFECTING THE WIGS.--"_L'Enfant Prodigue_," which is filling +the Prince of Wales's Theatre day and night, has much in it that is +delightful. Perhaps there is nothing quite excels the subtle touch in +the programme where it is written: "The theatre is disinfected by the +Sanitas Company, Limited. _The Wigs by Clarkson_." + + * * * * * + +CURIOUS, AND "MORE ANON!"--The _Evelyn_ v. _Hurlbert_ trial was as +full of literary interest as a sale of old books and manuscripts. +Specially valuable were copies of _Evelyn's Diary_; while, in spite +of the pressing demand, _Murray's Memoirs_ were uncommonly scarce. +Victorious Mr. HURLBERT! Yet for all his triumph, he will be, for some +time, a "very much Murray'd man." + + * * * * * + +A SAVOY QUESTION.--The general idea of the forthcoming new Opera at +the Savoy appears to be "all Dance to SOLOMON's music." Is it to be +a pantomime-drama, like _L'Enfant Prodigue_, or simply a ballet? If +neither, where do song-words and dialogue come in? + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, April 20_.--The other week T.C. BARING +was sitting among us, one of the Members for the City of London. +Now BARING is no more, and to-night HUCKS GIBBS comes in to take his +place. VICARY G. brought his father down; watched him take oath and +has undertaken generally to see him through. In fact, when GIBBS +_père_ hesitated about taking the proffered seat for the City, VICARY +undertook to fill it; finally, GIBBS _père_ being warmly pressed, +consented to sit, and VICARY stood aside. But he will come in +by-and-by, when he has given his father a turn. + +[Illustration: Late Member for the City.] + +"Age before honesty, is my motto," said VICARY, when I complimented +him upon the fine feeling he has shown throughout these negotiations. +"I always think that we young fellows lose nothing by giving our +elders a start. My father, you know, sometime ago wanted to change the +name of our firm. Suggested it should be called SONS & ANTONY GIBBS. +There's something in it; but on the whole, better leave things as they +are. ANTONY GIBBS & SONS known all over the world; always embarrassing +to change style of an old firm; so, for the present, at least, we +leave things alone. Come along, _Pater_; think I'll take you home now. +Never rush wildly into new engagements; you've had the excitement of +being sworn in, and signing the roll of Parliament. You hadn't been +in the place ten minutes before TIM HEALY gave you a chance of voting +on a London City Bill, and that's enough for one night. By-and-by you +shall stay all night and enjoy yourself in Committee on Irish Land +Bill." + +So ANTONY GIBBS AND SON went off before dinner. Didn't miss much; +grinding away at Irish Land Bill; most soul-depressing experience of +modern life; no heart in it; no reality; SAGE of Queen Anne's Gate +brings up amendment after amendment, and makes successive speeches; +SEYMOUR KEAY does ditto; SHAW-LEFEVRE adds new terror to situation +by taking voluminous notes which promise illimitable succession of +orations; House empty; PRINCE ARTHUR has the full length of Treasury +Bench on which to lounge. Occasionally Division-bell rings; Members +troop in by the hundred; follow their leaders into Lobby right or +left, deciding question they haven't heard debated, and mere drift +of which two-thirds don't understand. + +BRER FOX absent to-night, which precludes possibility of flare-up +in Irish Camp. TIM faithful to his post, but lacks inspiration of +contiguity to BRER FOX. + +"PARNELL's played out," said TIM, referring in course of evening to +BRER FOX's reception in his latest run through Ireland. "He may ramp +and roar here, but his game's up in Ireland." + +"And is he resigned to the situation?" I asked. + +TIM looked at me, half winking his miraculously preserved right eye. + +"Did you ever hear, TOBY, what the weeping widow said to the parson, +who asked, 'Was your husband resigned to die?' 'He had ter be,' she +said, choking a sob." + +_Business done._--Very little in the Irish Land Bill. + +_Tuesday._--Mr. G.'s presence at Morning Sitting gave only possible +fillip to interminable Debate on Land Purchase Bill. BRER FOX still +away, so comparative peace reigns in Irish Camp. TIM HEALY no one to +butt his head against; COLONEL NOLAN too busy deploying his army of +five men; showing them how to retreat in good order when Division-bell +rings, and how, when it is decided to vote, they shall pass out +through one door, march in at the other, cross the floor, and look +as much as possible as if they were ten instead of five. T.W. +RUSSELL--"Roaring" RUSSELL, as his old colleague in Temperance fights, +WILFRID LAWSON, calls him--frequently on his legs. At sound of +his voice, Mr. G. gets his back up; interposes interjections and +corrections; and presently, when he can stand it no longer, plunges +into a speech. + +Another time SAUNDERSON draws him. "I am very sorry," said Mr. G., +who has been itching to speak for last half-hour, "that the hon. and +gallant Gentleman has dragged me into debate by gross misstatements." + +Being there, however, Mr. G. enjoys himself passably well, grinding +SAUNDERSON to powder, and hewing RUSSELL to pieces before the Lord +STRATHEDEN AND CAMPBELL, who are sleeping peacefully together in +the Gallery. "Like the Babes in the Wood," said PLUNKET, looking up +smilingly at the face in the Gallery, which looks twice as wise when +asleep as the ordinary man does in full possession of his senses. + +[Illustration: "Roaring" Russell.] + +"I know," Mr. G. continued, in measured accents of polite scorn, "that +the eloquence of the hon. and gallant Gentleman (meaning SAUNDERSON) +is as ungovernable as I am afraid it is sometimes unprofitable. In the +exercise of the understanding which the Almighty has given him, he has +represented me as being a supporter of this Bill." + +Words cannot convey adequate impression of the subtlety of emotion +conveyed by this unwonted, perhaps unprecedented, invocation. An +unmistakeable, though unspoken, indication of mingled feeling--pity +for one so meagrely endowed, and marvel that, out of boundless stores, +the Deity could, even in this instance, have been so chary of gifts. + +_Business done._--Still less in Committee on Irish Land Bill. + +_Thursday._--Rival shows in both Houses to-night. Lords running the +Newfoundland Delegates at the Bar; in the Commons Budget on. On the +whole, Commons drew the fullest House, to which JOKIM descanted for +nearly three hours. If he'd taken two, the speech would have been a +third less long, and three times as successful. Still the Budget comes +but once a year, and CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER feels bound to make +the most of opportunity. Pretty plain sailing for first two hours. +Then JOKIM ran aground. It was General STAMPS that did it all. +Appeared unexpectedly in long list of details setting forth Estimates +for Revenue in coming year. Nobody ever heard before of the General; +thought, at least, he must belong to the Army Estimates. But JOKIM +would have him in, spurs and epaulettes, and all. + +"General STAMPS," he said, regardless of grammar, "have fallen off." +JOKIM, in his loose way, omitted to say off what; presumed to be +his horse. House not sorry to hear it; had enough of the mysterious +warrior. But he was up again a few minutes' later. "General STAMPS," +JOKIM continued, in his airy fashion, "apart from the Death Duties, I +reduce from £6,700,000 to £5,900,000." + +"Better reduce him to the ranks at once," said Admiral FIELD, who is a +terrible martinet. + +But JOKIM took no notice of the suggestion; floundered along, bungling +terribly. Committee tried to help him out; that didn't help matters +much. To have a Member in one part of the House filling up an awkward +pause by suggesting "dried fruit," another "coffee," a third "rum," +and a fourth "probate duty," when after all, JOKIM was thinking of +the Income Tax or General STAMPS, evidently not designed to advance +matters. + +"The Committee knows what I mean," JOKIM said, piteously, looking +round out of a morass a little deeper than he'd been in lately. But +that is exactly what the Committee didn't do. + +"Then," said JOKIM, "you'll understand the figures when you read them +in the papers to-morrow." Something in that; House mollified; still +can't help thinking that if it is to wait till next morning to read +report of Chancellor's Budget Speech in order to understand his +statements, some preliminary time might be saved in the evening. + +_Business done._--Budget brought in. + +_Friday Night._--Missed OLD MORALITY from Treasury Bench; looked in +his room; found him in arm-chair, collapsed, by fire-place, with copy +of _Morning Advertiser_ in his hand. + +"What's the matter?" I asked. "Surely you've not been reading JOKIM's +Budget Speech right through!" He certainly looked as if he had. + +"No, TOBY," he said; "it's not that; it's the Leader. Haven't you seen +what the _Morning Advertiser_ says about me? 'For the first time in +our recollection he (that's me) bears on his political escutcheon a +deep smudge of dishonour': and that's all because JOKIM wouldn't take +a penny off a barrel of beer, and twopence off a gallon of spirits. +It's the injustice I feel most acutely. It doesn't seem fair that Mr. +BUNG should try to intimidate JOKIM by abusing me." + +"It _is_ hard," I said; "but it's no use sitting moping here. Come +along into House; they're in Committee on the Land Bill; an hour or +two of that'll freshen you up." And it did. + +_Business done._--In Committee on the Irish Land Bill. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +100, May 2, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14141 *** diff --git a/14141-h/14141-h.htm b/14141-h/14141-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..3c7d163 --- /dev/null +++ b/14141-h/14141-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1896 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> + + <title>Punch, May 2, 1891.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note, .footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + p.author {text-align: right;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> + +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14141 ***</div> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 100.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>May 2, 1891.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page205" + id="page205"></a>[pg 205]</span> + + <h2>SONGS OF THE UN-SENTIMENTALIST.</h2> + + <h3>A DUSTMAN'S SILENT TEAR.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I know not how that Dustman stirred my ire:</p> + + <p class="i2">He may have failed to call when due: but + he—</p> + + <p>My breast being charged with economic + fire,—</p> + + <p class="i2">Was mulcted of his customary fee.</p> + + <p>I was informed, at first he did not seem</p> + + <p class="i2">To grasp the cruel sense of what he + heard,</p> + + <p>But asked, "Wot's this 'ere game?" as if some + dream</p> + + <p class="i2">Of evil portents all his pulses + stirred;</p> + + <p>Then, muttering, he turned, and went his way</p> + + <p class="i2">Dejected, broken! I had stopped his + beer!</p> + + <p>Ah! from that Dustman who, alas! can say</p> + + <p class="i2">I did not wring a sad and silent + tear!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I thought the matter o'er. I vowed no more,</p> + + <p class="i2">That I with grief would moisten any + eye;</p> + + <p>Henceforth, whene'er that Dustman passed my + door,</p> + + <p class="i2">Upon his beer he knew he could rely!</p> + + <p>Nay more! For never heeding if my bin</p> + + <p class="i2">Were full or empty, I that Dustman + hailed;</p> + + <p>His grateful smile my one desire to win;</p> + + <p class="i2">I felt I could not help it if I + failed.</p> + + <p>Twice every week he came,—his twopence + drew:</p> + + <p class="i2">That Dustman seemed to brighten with his + beer.</p> + + <p>And, if he wept, thank Heaven, at least I knew</p> + + <p class="i2">With joy, not grief, <i>he shed his + silent tear!</i></p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY.</h2> + + <h4>[CONTINUED.]</h4> + + <p><i>Thursday, April 16</i>.—On looking through my book + I find that I am now a member of ten Billsbury Cricket Clubs, + to most of which I am a Vice-President. Not bad, considering + that my average in my last year at school was four, and that I + didn't play more than half-a-dozen times at Oxford. TOLLAND + says there are many more Foot-ball Clubs than Cricket + Clubs—a pleasant prospect for me in the Autumn. Have also + had to subscribe to six Missions of various kinds, four Easter + Monday <i>Fêtes</i>, six Friendly Societies, three Literary and + Scientific Institutes, five Temperance Associations, four Quoit + Clubs, two Swimming Clubs, seven Sunday Schools, five Church or + Chapel Building Funds, three Ornithological Societies, two + Christian Young Men's Associations, three Children's Free + Dinner Funds, one Angling Association, not to speak of Fire + Brigade, Dispensaries, and Brass Bands. Have also given a Prize + to be shot for by Volunteers, as CHUBSON gives one every year. + What with £80 subscription to the Registration Fund, things are + beginning to mount up pretty considerably.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:22%;"> + <a href="images/205-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/205-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>Have spoken at three meetings since the Mass Meeting. + TOLLAND said, "You needn't refer to Sir THOMAS CHUBSON + yourself. Leave our people to do that. They enjoy that kind of + thing, and know how to do it." They do, indeed. At our last + meeting, HOLLEBONE, the Secretary of the Junior Conservative + Club, went on at him for twenty minutes in proposing resolution + of confidence in me. "Sir THOMAS," he said, "talks of his + pledges. The less Sir THOMAS says about them the better. I + can't walk out anywhere in Billsbury for two minutes without + tripping over the broken fragments of some of Sir THOMAS's + pledges. It's getting quite dangerous. Sir THOMAS, they say, + made himself. It's a pity he couldn't put in a little + consistency when he was engaged on the job. We don't want any + purse-proud Radical knights to represent us. We want a + straightforward man, who says what he means; and you'll agree + with me, fellow-townsmen, that we've got one in our eloquent + and popular young Candidate."</p> + + <p>This went down very well. Next day, however, the + <i>Meteor</i> "parallel-columned" Sir THOMAS CHUBSON's career + and mine. Mine occupied six lines; Sir THOMAS's "Life of + honourable and self-sacrificing industry" ran to nearly a + column. "It will be observed," said the <i>Meteor</i>, "that + there is a good deal of blank space in Mr. PATTLE's comparative + career; but this no doubt recommends him to his Conservative + friends, who are quite equal to filling it brilliantly with + their imaginative rhetoric about his chances of success."</p> + + <p>Primrose Day, the day after to-morrow. We're going to have a + great demonstration at Billsbury. Mother is going down with me + to-morrow.</p> + + <p><i>April 20th, "George Hotel," Billsbury</i>.—The + Demonstration yesterday was a splendid success. At ten o'clock + in the morning the Conservative Band marched up to the Hotel + and played patriotic airs under the window. Mother and I drove + to the Beaconsfield Club in an open carriage and pair, escorted + by the band. Mother's bonnet was all primroses, and she carried + an immense bouquet of them. <i>Carlo</i> came with us and sat + on the back-seat. His collar was stuck full of primroses, and + small bunches were tied on to the tufts on his back and at the + end of his tail. I wore a buttonhole of primroses, and carried + a huge primrose wreath to be placed round the bust of LORD + BEACONSFIELD, which stands in the hall of the Club. The + coachman and horses too were all tricked out with bunches. + TOLLAND and CHORKLE, and all the leaders of the Party, met us + at the entrance of the Club, and the ceremony of depositing the + flowers all round the bust began. CHORKLE, who once shook hands + with DIZZY in the lobby of the House, made a great speech, + mostly composed of personal reminiscences of our great departed + leader. (By the way CHORKLE has six children, five of them + being sons, whose names are BENJAMIN DISRAELI CHORKLE, CECIL + SALISBURY CHORKLE, STRAFFORD THOROUGH CHORKLE, HOBBES LEVIATHAN + CHORKLE, and RANDOLPH CHURCHILL CHORKLE.) The sixth, eighteen + months old, is a girl. Her name is WILLIAMINA HENRIETTA SMITH + CHORKLE. They were all present, covered with primroses. I added + a few words about the inspiring effect that the contemplation + of LORD BEACONSFIELD's career must have upon the youth of the + country. Mother's bouquet kept falling off the place she had + put it on, and two or three enthusiasts always dashed forward + to pick it up, causing a good many collisions. In the middle of + my speech, <i>Carlo</i> walked into the centre of the hall, sat + down and proceeded to gnaw off the primroses which had been + tied to his tail. He then ate them all solemnly, and after that + rolled over on his back with his paws stuck straight out, + pretending he was dead. I must tell Mother not to bring that + dog again. There was a great banquet in the evening. VULLIAMY + came down for it and spoke very kindly about me in his speech. + Said he had followed my career with profound interest and + pleasure from my earliest years. I've only known him a + year.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>NOTHING LIKE DISCIPLINE!</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Extract from the Diary of</i> PRIVATE ATKINS, + <i>Prince's Company, 4th Battalion, H.M.'s Guzzlebeer + Guards.</i>)</h4> + + <p><i>Monday</i>.—Joined the Regiment. Appeared on + Parade, and was requested to come to "attention," although the + Sergeant <i>must</i> have seen that I was "standing at ease." + Expressed a desire that the Commanding-officer should rectify + the mistake, when all ended amicably. Sergeant apologised, and + promised that it should not occur again. Satisfied. Both + Sergeant and Commanding-officer well up in their duties!</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:17%;"> + <a href="images/205-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/205-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p><i>Tuesday</i>.—Bugle sounded too early for Assembly. + Sent a message to the Adjutant by his orderly (with my + compliments) saying that I would feel much obliged if the + Parade were postponed an hour. Adjutant returned <i>his</i> + compliments, with a request that I would give in writing my + reason for desiring a delay. Explained (by word of mouth) that + I wanted to read the newspapers. Parade consequently postponed + as requested. Obliging chap the Adjutant!</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday</i>.—Warned for Guard. Sent for the Major + of my half-battalion (don't like bothering the + Commanding-officer about every trifle), and explained that, + although the Surgeon had seen me, and reported me fit, I had a + presentiment that the easterly winds would play the very + mischief with me if I went "Sentry Go." Major thought, perhaps + it would be better if I were struck off duty. Excused Guard in + consequence. Good sort Major of my half-battalion!</p> + + <p><i>Thursday</i>.—Sorry to find rations very + unsatisfactory. Complained to the Officer of the day, who + reported the matter to the Captain. Captain said he would have + asked the entire company to dine with him at his Club had he + not been engaged. He then passed us on to his Subs. The latter + most obligingly gave us some food at a Restaurant. + <i>Châteaubriand</i> excellent, <i>Sole à la Normande</i> + decent, but <i>Potage à la bisque</i> too rich. Mistake to + order the latter, as one can never get it <i>really</i> good, + except on the Continent. Wine tol-lol. Pol Royer of '84. + However, spent a very pleasant evening. Both Subs, when you + know them, not half bad fellows!</p> + + <p><i>Friday</i>.—Rather a head, and felt generally out + of sorts. Warned for Kit-inspection. Couldn't stand this, so + called upon General Commanding District. Not at home, but was + asked would I see his <i>locum tenens</i>? Replied in the + negative, as I don't believe in go-betweens. Didn't return to + barracks, as I thought I might get a breath of sea-air at + Southend.</p> + + <p><i>Saturday</i>.—Arrested and conveyed to the + Guard-room. Suppose I shall be released with a caution. At any + rate, for the present, diary confiscated.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page206" + id="page206"></a>[pg 206]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/206.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/206.png" + alt="THE GARDEN OF SLEEP." /></a> + + <h3>THE GARDEN OF SLEEP;</h3> + + <h4>OR, "PUT THAT IN YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT!"</h4><i>Miss + India</i>. "EVICT ME? WITH PLEASURE, SAHIB. BUT HOW ABOUT + 'COMPENSATION FOR DISTURBANCE?'" + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In the heart of fair Ind, which JOHN BULL hopes + to keep,</p> + + <p>Trade planted a Garden—a Garden of + Sleep;</p> + + <p>'Neath the hot Eastern sky—in the place of + good corn—</p> + + <p>It is there that the baneful white Poppy is + born,—</p> + + <p>Chinese Johnny's desire, lending dreams of + delight,</p> + + <p>Which are his when the poppy-juice cometh in + sight.</p> + + <p>Oh! the Mart hath no heart, and Trade laugheth + to scorn</p> + + <p>The plea of friend PEASE, where the Poppies are + born.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In this Garden of Sleep, where white Poppies are + spread,</p> + + <p>Fair INDIA plucketh the opiate head.</p> + + <p>JOHN BULL says. "My dear, PEASE's tales make me + creep.</p> + + <p>He swears it, fills graves with 'pigtails,' who + seek sleep!"</p> + + <p>Fair INDIA replies, "That may possibly be;</p> + + <p>But they Revenue bring, some Six Millions, you + see!</p> + + <p>Turn me out if you will, smash the Trade if you + must;</p> + + <p>But—you'll make up the money somehow, Sir, + I trust!"</p> + </div> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page207" + id="page207"></a>[pg 207]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/207.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/207.png" + alt="WANTED--A LOCAL HABITATION." /></a> + + <h3>WANTED—A LOCAL HABITATION.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>Commended by Mr. Punch to the Patrons of British + Art.</i>)</h4> + + <p><i>English Art</i> (<i>to Sir James L-nt-n, Messrs. T-te + and Agn-w</i>), "NOW, GENTLEMEN, THE GOVERNMENT HAS GIVEN + THE SITE FOR MY HOUSE,—IT ONLY REMAINS FOR YOU TO + BUILD IT."</p> + + <p>[The CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER announced that the + Government had assigned a site for the new Gallery of + Modern Art, as he thought it would be unwise to risk the + failure of the gift of £80,000 which had been offered to + erect a building.]</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>SOMEBODY'S LUGGAGE.</h2> + + <p>In view of the intense public excitement aroused by the + statement that Lord RANDOLPH CHURCHILL, in his expedition to + Mashonaland, is only going to take two books with + him—SHAKSPEARE and MOLIÈRE—an Inquiring + Correspondent has recently written to several eminent persons + on this subject, and has received—so he says—the + following replies:—</p> + + <p>SIR,—You ask me what books I should take if I were + contemplating a visit to the Dark Continent, like Lord RANDOLPH + CHURCHILL. The question, in the abstract, and without reference + to my own personality, is an interesting one, and no doubt + human fallibility would, in the case you suppose, induce me to + take several volumes of my own <i>Gleanings</i> with + me,—not so much for their intrinsic merits, as because + perhaps they might form a new kind of literature for native + African potentates. HOMER, too, <i>of course</i>. At my time of + life, however, I must be excused from grappling with any new + Continents, dark or otherwise. I find that Ireland is quite + dark enough for me just now. Excuse a card. Yours, W.E. + GL-DST-NE.</p> + + <p>SIR,—As I am not "contemplating an expedition to the + Dark Continent," and have no sympathy with Hottentots, there + seems to be no sufficient reason for my answering your + questions, or for your asking them. S-L-SB-RY.</p> + + <p>SIR,—Your question is ridiculous. The only books worth + taking to Africa, or anywhere else, would be a bound copy of + last year's <i>Review of Reviews</i>, GENERAL BOOTH's + epoch-making volume, and—this is indispensable—SIR + C. D-LKE's invaluable <i>Problems of Greater Britain.</i> When + I went to Rome, I naturally took with me the "hundred best + books in the world." They were a little heavy, but I thought + the POPE would like to see them. However, circumstances + prevented my presenting them to His Holiness. Yours, W.T. + ST-D.</p> + + <p>SIR,—I don't know much about books. I've just written + rather a good one on <i>Cricket</i>, and I think if I were + going to Africa I should take a supply. From all I've heard of + TIPPOO TIB, I should think he would enjoy the game; at any rate + TIPPOO ought to be able to master tip and run without much + difficulty. W.G. GR-CE.</p> + + <p>SIR,—Having consulted my relatives—also CAPTAIN + M-L-SW-RTH—as to whether there would be any impropriety + in giving a reply to your questions, I am happy to say that + they seem to think there would be none, but that on the + contrary it might even assist the takings at the Aquarium. I + may therefore mention that if I were proceeding to Central + Africa there is <i>only one book</i> I should dream of taking + with me. That would be a copy of the Proceedings of the London + County Council, since the joyful date of its advent on this + planet. Yours obediently, Z-o.</p> + + <p>SIR,—The one book I should take with me to Africa + would be DR. PETERS' recent valuable work—<i>More Light + on Dark Africa</i>. I should give it to the Dwarfs. It would + make capital poisoned arrows. H.M. ST-NL-Y.</p> + + <p>SIR,—The only book worth thinking about for such an + expedition as you mention would be STANLEY's <i>In Darkest + Africa</i>. Its Maps would be invaluable,—as presents for + a rival explorer, whom one might desire to mislead as to his + route. CARL P-T-RS.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>Mr. Herkomer and Mr. Pennell.</h3> + + <p>PROFESSOR HERKOMER defends the use of Photography for the + engraver's purposes, and clearly thinks that what TENNYSON + ought to have written, in <i>Locksley Hall</i>, was—</p> + + <p>"And the thoughts of men are widened by a Process of the + Sun's."</p> + + <p>He also comforts himself with the reflection that being + called over the coals in the <i>National Observer</i>, is one + of the PENNELL-ties of success.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page208" + id="page208"></a>[pg 208]</span> + + <h2>MR. PUNCH'S POCKET IBSEN.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Condensed and Revised Version by Mr. P.'s Own Harmless + Ibsenite</i>.)</h4> + + <h3>No. III.—HEDDA GABLER.</h3> + + <h4>ACT II.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>The cheerful dark Drawing-room. It is + afternoon</i>. HEDDA <i>stands loading a revolver in the + back Drawing-room.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Hedda</i> (<i>looking out, and shouting</i>). How do you + do, Judge? (<i>Aims at him.</i>) Mind yourself! [<i>She + fires.</i></p> + + <p><i>Brack</i> (<i>entering</i>). What the devil! Do you + usually take pot-shots at casual visitors? [<i>Annoyed.</i></p> + + <p><i>Hedda</i>. Invariably, when they come by the back-garden. + It is my unconventional way of intimating that I am at home. + One does do these things in realistic dramas, you know. And I + was only aiming at the blue sky.</p> + + <p><i>Brack</i>. Which accounts for the condition of my hat. + (<i>Exhibiting it.</i>) Look here—<i>riddled</i>!</p> + + <p><i>Hedda</i>. Couldn't help myself. I am so horribly bored + with TESMAN. Everlastingly to be with a professional + person!</p> + + <p><i>Brack</i> (<i>sympathetically</i>). Our excellent TESMAN + is certainly a bit of a bore. (<i>Looks searchingly at + her</i>.) What on earth made you marry him?</p> + + <p><i>Hedda</i>. Tired of dancing, my dear, that's all. And + then I used TESMAN to take me home from parties; and we saw + this villa; and I said I liked it, and so did he; and so we + found some common ground, and here we are, do you see! And I + loathe TESMAN, and I don't even like the villa now; and I do + feel the want of an entertaining companion so!</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:15%;"> + <a href="images/208.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/208.png" + alt="'I am a Norwegian literary man, and peculiar.'" /> + </a>"I am a Norwegian literary man, and peculiar." + </div> + + <p><i>Brack</i>. Try me. Just the kind of three-cornered + arrangement that I like. Let me be the third person in the + compartment—(<i>confidentially</i>)—the tried + friend, and, generally speaking, cock of the walk!</p> + + <p><i>Hedda</i> (<i>audibly drawing in her breath</i>). I + cannot resist your polished way of putting things. We will + conclude a triple alliance. But hush!—here comes + TESMAN.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Enter</i> GEORGE, <i>with a number of books under + his arm.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>George</i>. Puff! I <i>am</i> hot, HEDDA. I've been + looking into LÖVBORG's new book. Wonderfully + thoughtful—confound him! But I must go and dress for your + party, Judge. [<i>He goes out.</i></p> + + <p><i>Hedda</i>. I wish I could get TESMAN to take to politics, + Judge. Couldn't he be a Cabinet Minister, or something?</p> + + <p><i>Brack</i>. H'm!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>A short pause; both look at one another, without + speaking. Enter</i> GEORGE, <i>in evening dress, with + gloves.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>George</i>. It is afternoon, and your party is at + half-past seven—but I like to dress early. Fancy that! + And I am expecting LÖVBORG.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[EJLERT LÖVBORG <i>comes in from the hall; he is worn + and pale, with red patches on his cheek-bones, and wears an + elegant perfectly new visiting-suit, and black + gloves.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>George</i>. Welcome! (<i>Introduces him to</i> BRACK.) + Listen—I have got your new book, but I haven't read it + through yet.</p> + + <p><i>Lövborg</i>. You needn't—it's rubbish. (<i>Takes a + packet of MSS. out.</i>) This <i>isn't</i>. It's in three + parts; the first about the civilising forces of the future, the + second about the future of the civilising forces, and the third + about the forces of the future civilisation. I thought I'd read + you a little of it this evening?</p> + + <p><i>Brack and George</i> (<i>hastily</i>). Awfully nice of + you—but there's a little party this evening—so + sorry we can't stop! Won't you come too?</p> + + <p><i>Hedda</i>. No, he must stop and read it to me and Mrs. + ELVSTED instead.</p> + + <p><i>George</i>. It would never have occurred to me to think + of such clever things! Are you going to oppose me for the + Professorship, eh?</p> + + <p><i>Lövborg</i> (<i>modestly</i>). No; I shall only triumph + over you in the popular judgment—that's all!</p> + + <p><i>George</i>. Oh, is that all? Fancy! Let us go into the + back drawing-room and drink cold punch.</p> + + <p><i>Lövborg</i>. Thanks—but I am a reformed character, + and have renounced cold punch—it is poison.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[GEORGE <i>and</i> BRACK <i>go into the back-room and + drink punch, whilst</i> HEDDA <i>shows</i> LÖVBORG <i>a + photograph album in the front.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Lövborg</i> (<i>slowly, in a low tone</i>). HEDDA GABLER! + how <i>could</i> you throw yourself away like this!—Oh, + is <i>that</i> the ORTLER Group? Beautiful!—Have you + forgotten how we used to sit on the settee together behind an + illustrated paper, and—yes, very picturesque + peaks—I told you all about how I had been on the + loose?</p> + + <p><i>Hedda</i>. Now, none of that, here! These are the + Dolomites.—Yes, I remember; it was a beautiful + fascinating Norwegian intimacy—but it's over now. See, we + spent a night in that little mountain village, TESMAN and + I!</p> + + <p><i>Lövborg</i>. Did you, indeed? Do you remember that + delicious moment when you threatened to shoot me + down—(<i>tenderly</i>)—I do!</p> + + <p><i>Hedda</i> (<i>carelessly</i>). Did I? I have done that to + so many people. But now all that is past, and you have found + the loveliest consolation in dear, good, little Mrs. + ELVSTED—ah, here she is! (<i>Enter</i> Mrs. ELVSTED.) + Now, THEA, sit down and drink up a good glass of cold punch. + Mr. LÖVBORG is going to have some. If you don't, Mr. LÖVBORG, + GEORGE and the Judge will think you are afraid of taking too + much if you once begin.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. E.</i> Oh, please, HEDDA! When I've inspired Mr. + LÖVBORG so—good gracious! <i>don't</i> make him drink + cold punch!</p> + + <p><i>Hedda</i>. You see, Mr. LÖVBORG, our dear little friend + can't <i>trust</i> you!</p> + + <p><i>Lövborg</i>. So <i>that</i> is my comrade's faith in me! + (<i>Gloomily.</i>) <i>I</i>'ll show her if I am to be trusted + or not. (<i>He drinks a glass of punch</i>.) Now I'll go to the + Judge's party. I'll have another glass first. Your health, + THEA! So you came up to spy on me, eh? I'll drink the Sheriff's + health—<i>everybody's</i> health!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He tries to get more punch.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Hedda</i> (<i>stopping him</i>). No more now. You are + going to a party, remember. [GEORGE <i>and</i> TESMAN <i>come + in from back-room.</i></p> + + <p><i>Lövborg.</i> Don't be angry, THEA. I was fallen for a + moment. Now I'm up again! (Mrs. E. <i>beams with delight</i>). + Judge, I'll come to your party, as you <i>are</i> so pressing, + and I'll read GEORGE my manuscript all the evening. I'll do all + in <i>my</i> power to make that party go!</p> + + <p><i>George</i>. No? fancy! that <i>will</i> be amusing!</p> + + <p><i>Hedda</i>. There, go away, you wild rollicking creatures! + But Mr. LÖVBORG must be back at ten, to take dear THEA + home!</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. E.</i> Oh, goodness, yes! (<i>In concealed + agony.</i>) Mr. LÖVBORG, I shan't go away till you do!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The three men go out laughing merrily; the Act-drop + is lowered for a minute; when it is raised, it is</i> 7 + A.M., <i>and</i> Mrs. ELVSTED <i>and</i> HEDDA <i>are + discovered sitting up, with rugs around them.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Mrs. E.</i> (<i>wearily</i>). Seven in the morning, and + Mr. LÖVBORG not here to take me home <i>yet</i>! what + <i>can</i> he be doing?</p> + + <p><i>Hedda</i> (<i>yawning</i>). Reading to TESMAN, with + vine-leaves in his hair, I suppose. Perhaps he has got to the + third part.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. E.</i> Oh, do you <i>really</i> think so, HEDDA? Oh, + if I could but hope he was doing that!</p> + + <p><i>Hedda</i>. You silly little ninny! I should like to + scorch your hair off. Go to bed! [Mrs. E. <i>goes. Enter</i> + GEORGE.</p> + + <p><i>George</i>. I'm a little late, eh? But we made + <i>such</i> a night of it. Fancy! It was most amusing. EJLERT + read his book to me—think of that! Astonishing book! Oh, + we really had great fun! I wish <i>I'd</i> written it. Pity + he's so irreclaimable.</p> + + <p><i>Hedda</i>. I suppose you mean he has more of the courage + of life than most people?</p> + + <p><i>George</i>. Good Lord! He had the courage to get more + drunk than most people. But, altogether, it was what you might + almost call a Bacchanalian orgy. We finished up by going to + have early coffee with some of these jolly chaps, and poor old + LÖVBORG dropped his precious manuscript in the mud, and I + picked it up—and here it is! Fancy if anything were to + happen to it! He never could write it again. <i>Wouldn't</i> it + be sad, eh? Don't tell anyone about it.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He leaves the packet of MSS. on a chair, and rushes + out;</i> HEDDA <i>hides the packet as</i> BRACK + <i>enters.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Brack</i>. <i>Another</i> early call, you see! My party + was such a singularly animated <i>soirée</i> that I haven't + undressed all night. Oh, it was the liveliest affair + conceivable! And, like a true Norwegian host, I tracked LÖVBORG + home; and it is only my duty, as a friend of the house, and + cock of the walk, to take the first opportunity of telling you + that he finished up the evening by coming to mere loggerheads + with a red-haired opera-singer, and being taken off to the + police-station! You mustn't have him here any more. Remember + our little triple alliance!</p> + + <p><i>Hedda</i> (<i>her smile fading away</i>). You are + certainly a dangerous person—but you must not get a hold + over me!</p> + + <p><i>Brack</i> (<i>ambiguously</i>). What an idea! But I + might—I am an insinuating dog. Good morning! [<i>Goes + out.</i></p> + + <p><i>Lövborg</i> (<i>bursting in, confused and excited</i>). I + suppose you've heard where <i>I've</i> been?</p> + + <p><i>Hedda</i> (<i>evasively</i>). I heard you had a very + jolly party at Judge BRACK's. [Mrs. ELVSTED <i>comes + in.</i></p> + + <p><i>Lövborg</i>. It's all over. I don't mean to do any more + work. I've no use for a companion now, THEA. Go home to your + Sheriff!</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. E.</i> (<i>agitated</i>). Never! I want to be with + you when your book comes out!</p> + + <p><i>Lövborg</i>. It won't <i>come</i> out—I've torn it + up! (<i>Mrs. E. rushes out, wringing her hands</i>.) Mrs. + TESMAN, I told her a lie—but no + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page209" + id="page209"></a>[pg 209]</span> matter. I haven't torn my + book up—I've done worse! I've taken it about to + several parties, and it's been through a police-row with + me—now I've lost it. Even if I found it again, it + wouldn't be the same—not to me! I am a Norwegian + literary man, and peculiar. So I must make an end of it + altogether!</p> + + <p><i>Hedda</i>. Quite so—but look here, you must do it + beautifully. I don't insist on your putting vine-leaves in your + hair—but do it beautifully. (<i>Fetches pistol.</i>) See, + here is one of General GABLER's pistols—do it with + <i>that</i>!</p> + + <p><i>Lövborg.</i> Thanks!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He takes the pistol, and goes out through the + hall-door; as soon as he has gone</i>, HEDDA <i>brings out + the manuscript, and puts it on the fire, whispering to + herself, as Curtain falls.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h2>CAN A MAN IMPRISON HIS WIFE?</h2> + + <h4>(<i>An Autobiographical Consideration of the Question, by + an Eminent Legal Authority.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/209-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/209-1.png" + alt="Summing Up." /></a>Summing Up. + </div> + + <p>It may be remembered that (I trust) in deserved + acknowledgment of my professional pre-eminence, I received, + some little while ago, the appointment of a + Deputy-Assistant-Revising-Barristership. In performing the + duties of this important office, I sometimes have to incur + bodily risk—the more especially when I have to + distinguish between the rival claims of the political parties + that I am sorry to say have made Lambville-cum-Minton the + antithesis of heaven upon earth. On the occasion to which I + particularly wish to refer, I was accompanied by my Wife, to my + secret annoyance, as I am afraid the Lady who does me the + honour to share my name is unduly apprehensive of my safety, + and, besides this general plea, I had yet another special + reason for desiring her absence. To tell the truth, I had been + greatly moved by a decision given in the Court of Appeal, + whereby it seemed to me (and no doubt to many of my learned + friends) the custody of a wife by her husband had become an + empty phrase, signifying nothing. I felt that if, by any means, + I could get this judgment set aside, I would not only confer + upon myself, as a married man, a signal benefit, but, moreover, + as a Counsel, obtain increased professional distinction. + However, I was embarrassed by the presence of my Wife, when I + came to consider the best mode in which marital authority might + be assumed to raise the question of the right of <i>habeas + corpus</i>. I had returned to my room before the opening of the + Registration Court at Lambville-cum-Minton, in rather a + disturbed frame of mind. Truth to tell, my Wife, having learned + that political feeling was rising so high in the town that it + was possible that the Deputy-Assistant-Revising-Barrister might + be assaulted by either or both of the rival factions, had done + her best to dissuade me from taking my customary seat.</p> + + <p>"What shall I do, to say nothing of the darling children, if + you are brought home on a hurdle?" she sobbed out.</p> + + <p>I assured her that there was a very remote risk of my + succumbing to such a fate, as the conveyance home on a hurdle + raised the presumption that the victim had been hunting, a + sport in which I seldom, I may say, never indulged. But this + explanation did not reassure her, and she left me in tears. Her + emotion caused me much pain, the more especially as my proposed + task seemed to me, under the circumstances, a species of + domestic treason. However, I hardened my heart, and sat down to + consider the facts of the case. To allow the right of seizure + to be argued, it would be necessary to take my Wife out of the + custody of someone other than myself. Her mother, a most + estimable old lady, with whom I have had many a pleasant and + exciting game of backgammon, seemed a right and proper person + to assist me in carrying out my project. But the objection + immediately occurred to me that it would be an exceedingly + difficult matter to induce her to hold my Wife from me unless I + desired her to take such a course. But if I made this request, + would not the proceeding savour of collusion? To meet this + obstacle I came to the conclusion that I might get my Wife to + pay a visit to her mother, and then, appropriately disguised, + seize and carry her off. By locking her in the conveyance and + riding on the box, I could preserve my incognito until reaching + home, and then I might confine her in her own room with assumed + harshness, and possibly (of this I had some doubt) get her to + complain of her imprisonment. By keeping my Wife's domicile a + close secret, her mother would be induced to visit me to ask my + professional assistance in recovering her daughter. Thus + approached it would be possible to so advise the old lady that + in the result she would demand my Wife's presence in Court + under a writ of <i>habeas corpus</i>. Then would come my + opportunity. Of course I would produce my Wife, and having + carefully prepared my arguments, would deliver an oration that + would fill columns of the newspapers, and hand down my name to + generations to come as <i>the</i> authority on marital rights. + I saw in the near future wealth and restored domestic + happiness. But the first thing to do was to lock up my Wife. + And at this point it occurred to me that it was time for me to + walk over to the Revision Court. I hastily gathered certain + necessary articles into my brief-bag, and putting on my hat, + grasped the handle of the door. To my surprise I found that I + could obtain no egress. I rang the bell—and instead of a + servant my Wife answered the summons. "The door is locked, + dear," I observed, "and as the key seems to be on the other + side, will you kindly open it, as I am in a hurry to be + off."</p> + + <p>"You will stay where you are," was the reply. "You are not + going to get killed by attending a nonsensical Revision + Court."</p> + + <p>"But I must go," I explained; and then assuming a tone of + authority I rarely adopt, I added, "and you will be good enough + to open the door at once."</p> + + <p>"I shall do nothing of the sort," replied my Wife, calmly. + "I locked you in, and I shan't let you out."</p> + + <p>"What, Madam," I exclaimed; "do you defy my authority?"</p> + + <p>"Certainly!" was the immediate response, "You may say or + think what you like, but you don't leave this house to-day as + sure as I am your lawfully wedded Wife."</p> + + <p>And as a matter of fact I didn't!</p> + + <p class="author">(<i>Signed.</i>) A. BRIEFLESS, JUNIOR.</p> + + <p><i>Pump-handle Court.</i></p> + <hr /> + + <h2>OPERATIC NOTES.</h2> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:23%;"> + <a href="images/209-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/209-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p><i>Monday</i>.—To see MADAME ALBANI as <i>Violetta</i> + the consumptive heroine of "<i>La Traviata</i>." Charmingly + sung and admirably, nay, most touchingly, acted. MAUREL + excellent as <i>Germont Senior</i>, and MONTARIOL quite the + weak-minded masher <i>Alfredo</i>. What a different turn the + story might have taken had it occurred to <i>Violetta</i> to + have a flirtation with the handsome middle-aged <i>père + noble</i>! At one time it almost seemed as if there had been + some change in motive of the Opera since I last saw it, and + that the above original idea was about to be carried out. But + no; in another second <i>Germont-Maurel</i> as "Old Maurelity" + (by kind permission of TOBY, M.P.) had pulled himself together, + and <i>Albani-Violetta</i> was in the depths of remorseful + sorrow. In that gay and festive supper scene, where a + physician, unostentatiously styled <i>Il Dottore</i> (he would + probably be <i>Ill</i> Dottore the morning after) is present to + look after the health of the guests, and perhaps to "propose" + it, I noticed with pleasure that, on the tables, DRURIOLANUS + ALDERMANICUS, mindful of civic feasts, had placed bottles of + real champagne, or at least real champagne-bottles. This + interested the audience muchly, and numerous were the glasses + turned in the direction of the bottles—of course 'tis + opera-glasses I mean, yer honour,—in order to ascertain + what particular wanity was <i>La Traviata's</i> favourite; but + the bottles were so placed that only one unimportant word on + the label was visible. Was it Pommery '80 <i>très + sec</i>?—Or what was it? Impossible to see: it was not + mentioned in the dialogue, so "Mumm" might have been the word. + But at all events, if the wine is one which requires + advertisement, the guests should be told to be very careful to + leave the bottles in the same position as in the old prefatial + stage-directions "the reader of the play" is supposed to be; + <i>i.e.</i>, "<i>on the stage, facing the audience</i>."</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday.</i>—<i>Rigoletto</i>. M. MAUREL as the + Jester; acting good, voice too loud. ALBANI, as <i>Gilda</i>, + overwhelmed with encores. M. MONTARIOL's <i>Il Duca</i> is + <i>Alfredo</i> over again, only confirmed in a vicious career. + To obtain an encore for the great but now hackneyed song, + "<i>La Donna e mobile</i>," a wonderful rendering is absolutely + essential, and somehow something seems wanting to the success + of <i>Rigoletto</i> when this song goes for nothing and is + passed without a rapturous "<i>bis, bis!</i>" which makes a + Manager rub his hands and smilingly say to himself, "Good + bis-ness."</p> + + <p><i>Thursday.</i>—<i>Lohengrin</i> I believe, but + wasn't there. Hope the Opera went all right without me. Can't + be in more places than one at the same moment. Same remarks + apply to Friday and Saturday.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>TO MISS ALICE ATHERTON AT THE STRAND THEATRE.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>To see her in <i>Our Daughters</i>! worth the + money!</p> + + <p>She 'ATH ER "TON" so genuinely funny!</p> + + <p>Yes, ALICE, in such acting, dance, or song,</p> + + <p>We recognise thy talent <i>et ton</i> + "<i>ton</i>."</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>Of the Modern Bill of Costs, the Ancient "Bill of the Play," + SHAKSPEARE, and the present representative of the Ancient + Mariner, L.C.J. COLERIDGE, both observe, "Oh, reform it + altogether!"</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page210" + id="page210"></a>[pg 210]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/210.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/210.png" + alt="WHAT OUR FIN-DE-SIÈCLISTS ARE GROWING TO." /></a> + + <h3>WHAT OUR FIN-DE-SIÈCLISTS ARE GROWING TO.</h3> + + <p>"OH, OH, OH! CONFOUND IT!"</p> + + <p>"WHAT <i>IS</i> THE MATTER, ALGY?"</p> + + <p>"I JUST LET MY FOOT OUT ON THE STIRRUP, AND THIS BEAST + OF A PONY'S TROD ON MY TOE!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>HYMEN AND CUPID.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Fin-de-Siècle Version, some way after Moore.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>HYMEN, late, his love-knots selling,</p> + + <p>Called at many a maiden's dwelling;</p> + + <p>But he found too well they knew him;</p> + + <p>None were prompter to pooh-pooh him.</p> + + <p class="i2">"Who'll buy my love-knots?</p> + + <p class="i2">Who'll buy my love-knots?"</p> + + <p>Soon as that old cry resounded.</p> + + <p>How his baskets were surrounded!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Maidens mocked, with laughter dying,</p> + + <p>Those fool-knots of HYMEN's tying;</p> + + <p>Dames, who once with him had sided,</p> + + <p>Openly his wares derided.</p> + + <p class="i2">"Who'll buy my love-knots?</p> + + <p class="i2">Who'll buy my love-knots?"</p> + + <p>All at that old cry came flocking,</p> + + <p>Mocking in a style quite shocking.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Here are knots," said HYMEN, taking</p> + + <p>Some loose nooses of Law's making.</p> + + <p>"Pooh!" the nymphs cried. "Who can trust 'em?</p> + + <p>We have changed your queer old custom.</p> + + <p class="i2">Who'll buy your love-knots?</p> + + <p class="i2">Who'll buy your love-knots?</p> + + <p>Women they bind not, nor tie men.</p> + + <p>You're a helpless gaoler, HYMEN!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"When the bargain is completed,</p> + + <p>We have but to cry, 'We're cheated!'</p> + + <p>And you'll find you're sold most sadly.</p> + + <p>Love-knots? Fools'-knots! They tie badly.</p> + + <p class="i2">Who'll buy <i>your</i> love-knots?</p> + + <p class="i2">Who'll buy <i>your</i> love-knots?</p> + + <p>Burdens you would lay our backs on—</p> + + <p>Our reply is—TOLSTOI! JACKSON!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>HYMEN dropped his torch; its splutter</p> + + <p>Was extinguished in the gutter.</p> + + <p>"At my torch and crown of roses</p> + + <p>These young minxes cock their noses.</p> + + <p class="i2">Who'll buy my love-knots?</p> + + <p class="i2">Who'll buy my love-knots?"</p> + + <p>What's the use? 'Twixt Law and Passion,</p> + + <p>HYMEN's plainly out of fashion!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>LOVE, who saw the whole proceeding,</p> + + <p>Would have laughed but for good breeding.</p> + + <p>"Best join <i>me</i>," he cried, "Old Chappie!</p> + + <p>IBSEN read, be free, and happy!</p> + + <p class="i2">Who'll buy your love-knots?</p> + + <p class="i2">Who'll buy your love-knots?</p> + + <p>Have a spree—all shackles scorning,</p> + + <p>Come! We won't go home till morning!'"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>A BACONIAN THEORY;</h2> + + <h3>OR, TRYING IT ON.</h3> + + <p>SOLOMON isn't in it with Judge BACON. The point was whether + Mrs. MANLEY had made Miss DOROTHY DENE's dresses to fit or not. + "To fit or not to fit, that was the question." The Judge gave + his decision after a fair trial of the two costumes—this + might be remembered on both sides as "the trying-on + case,"—that, according to the evidence of unimpeachable + witnesses represented by the Judge's own common-sense and + artistic eye for effect, two of the dresses and a cloak didn't + fit, and that so far, the Defendant, Miss DOROTHY, must + consider herself, in a dress-making sense, "non-suited." Mrs. + MANLEY had, of course, undertaken to provide fits for her + customers, and for having partially failed, her customers + determined to return the compliment, by "giving <i>her</i> + fits" if possible. So the parties came before Judge BACON, and + appealed to His Honour. And the learned Judge mindful of + ancestral Baconian wisdom, "<i>Cast a severe eye upon the + example</i>"—that is, he examined the dresses most + critically,—"<i>but a merciful eye upon the + person</i>,"—for the fair Plaintiff and fair Defendant + His Honour showed himself a most fair Judge, unwilling, as + BACON, "to give beans" to either party, and so dismissing them + with his beany-diction. But, <i>pauca verba</i>,—and may + we always have nothing but praise to bestow on <i>Bacon's + Essays</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>A DISCLAIMER.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>By an Unionist.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>I</i> "prefer PARNELL"? Oh dear, no!</p> + + <p>There is no man I've hated so.</p> + + <p>But, since he turned a fierce derider</p> + + <p>Of him he calls the "Grand Old Spider;"</p> + + <p>Since he has "blown" the Home-Rule "gaff,"</p> + + <p>And whelmed the Gladstone gang with chaff;</p> + + <p>Since he has almost wiped out PIGOTT,</p> + + <p>Half justified the Orange bigot;</p> + + <p>Proved part of the <i>Times</i>' charge at + least,</p> + + <p>And won the "Hill-men," lost the Priest;—</p> + + <p>Since then—why, hang it, 'tis such fun,</p> + + <p>I half forgive him all he's done;</p> + + <p>I'll back him, bet on him, and grin;</p> + + <p>Give him my vote, and hope he'll win.</p> + + <p>But I <i>prefer</i> him? Goodness gracious!</p> + + <p>Why <i>can't</i> Gladstonians be veracious?</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>SIR HENRY LOCH'S "STRAIGHT TIP" TO THE INTRUSIVE BOERS IN + MASHONALAND.—"Play us none of your 'treks'!"</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page211" + id="page211"></a>[pg 211]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/211.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/211.png" + alt="HYMEN, FIN DE SIÈCLE." /></a> + + <h3>HYMEN, FIN DE SIÈCLE.</h3>"MAIDENS MOCKED, WITH + LAUGHTER DYING, THOSE FOOL-KNOTS OF HYMEN'S TYING." + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page213" + id="page213"></a>[pg 213]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:13%;"> + <a href="images/213-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/213-1.png" + alt="MOLTKE in German-style script." /></a> + </div> + + <h3>HELMUTH KARL BERNHARD VON MOLTKE.</h3> + + <h4><i>Born, October 26th, 1803. Died, April 24th</i>, + 1891.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Strong, silent Soldier, whom the unmarked years</p> + + <p class="i2">Shaped to such service of the + Fatherland</p> + + <p class="i2">As seldom to one firm, unfailing + hand,</p> + + <p>A State hath owed; to-day a People's tears</p> + + <p>Bedew the most illustrious of biers!</p> + + <p class="i2">The waning century hastening to its + close</p> + + <p>Hath scarce a greater on its glory-roll,</p> + + <p class="i2">Hope of thy land, and terror of its + foes;</p> + + <p>Of foresight keen, and long-enduring soul!</p> + + <p>War's greatness is not greatest; there are + heights</p> + + <p class="i2">Of splendour pure mere warriors scarce + may scale,</p> + + <p class="i2">But thou wert more than battle's scourge + and flail,</p> + + <p>Calm-souled controller of such Titan fights</p> + + <p class="i2">As mould man's after-history. When thy + star</p> + + <p>Shone clear at Koniggrätz, men gazed and knew</p> + + <p class="i2">The light that heralds the great Lords of + War;</p> + + <p>And when o'er Sedan thy black Eagles flew</p> + + <p>And the bold Frank, betrayed and broken, drew</p> + + <p class="i2">One shuddering gasp of agony and + sank,</p> + + <p class="i2">When thy long-mustered legions rank on + rank</p> + + <p>Hemmed the fair, fated City of men's love,</p> + + <p>Then thy star culminated, shone above</p> + + <p class="i2">All but the few fixed beacon-lights, + which owned</p> + + <p class="i2">A new compeer. Long steadfastly + enthroned</p> + + <p>In German hearts, and all men's reverence,</p> + + <p>Suddenly, softly thou art summoned hence,</p> + + <p>To the great muster, full of years and fame!</p> + + <p>How thinks <i>he</i>, lord of a co-equal name,</p> + + <p class="i2">Thine ancient comrade in war's iron + lists,</p> + + <p>Just left, and lone, of the Titanic Three</p> + + <p>Who led the Eagles on to victory?</p> + + <p class="i2">Calmest of Captains, first of + Strategists.</p> + + <p>BISMARCK must bend o'er thy belaurelled bier</p> + + <p>With more than common grief in the unbidden + tear!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>JOKIM AND JOHN.—The CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER is + following Mr. JOHN HOLLINGSHEAD's example. The latter started + "No fees" for Play-time, and the former advocates "No fees" for + School-time.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/213-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/213-2.png" + alt="A PROP OF THE DRAMA." /></a> + + <h3>A PROP OF THE DRAMA.</h3> + + <p>"WHAT, BACK ALREADY, ARCHIE! WAS IT A DULL PIECE, + THEN?"</p> + + <p>"DON'T KNOW. DIDN'T STOP TO SEE. JUST LOOKED ROUND + STALLS AND BOXES, AND DIDN'T SEE A SOUL I KNEW!—SO I + CAME AWAY."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ROBERT AT THE CHILDREN'S FANCY BALL.</h2> + + <p>Well, I've said it afore, and now I says it agane, as I + don't bleeve as sich another both bewtifool and elligant site + is to be seen in all the world, as is to be seen at these + anniwersary yearly festivals in our nobel Egipshun All at the + honoured Manshun House.</p> + + <p>Of course I don't no what sort of intertainement was held + there when the aincient Egipshuns had it, or weather they ewer + was there at all—for I ain't much of a hantiquery; but, + from what I've seen of some on 'em at the British Mewseum, I + should think as there werry peculyar style of dress was not + much sooted to such occashuns.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:14%;"> + <a href="images/213-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/213-3.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>I thinks, upon the hole, as the children's dresses on this + speshal ocashun "beat the record," as the runners and jumpers + says, both for illigance and wariety, and, shoud I atemt to + describe 'em, where on airth shoud I begin! But, as I must + begin sumwheres, I hopes as I shan't awake the biling jealousy + of all the other mothers present when I says as I gives the + Parm Tree to the two rayther youthfool Beef Eaters. As for the + number of Angels and Fairys, with most lovly wings, they was so + numerus, and so bewtifool, that ewen I, a pore Hed Waiter, + coudn't help the thort, that they was a giving me my first + glimpse of Pairodice. Then again I noticed as the grashus and + hansum LADY MARESS—who I should ha liked to ha seen + putting herself at the hed of them all, and leading em all + round the bewtifool All—had most kindly inwited a few + poor creetures, such as nusses, and charity Gals, and plow + boys, and setterer, just to let 'em see what they may sum day + cum to be, if so be as they is all good.</p> + + <p>There was a lot of Hartists a going about makin skitches of + the werry prettiest dresses insted of the werry prettiest + faces, as I shood most suttenly have done. One of 'em wanted + for to take my picter, but as I coudn't bleeve it was for my + bewty, and was quite sure it wasn't for my full heavening + dress, and coud therefore ony be for fun, I respekfully + declined.</p> + + <p>It is roomered among us Hed Waiters, that the QUEEN's own + Daughter, which she's a Hempress, has told her son, which he's + the HEMPEROR of GERMANY, and is a comin here next July, that + the werry loveliest site as the Grand Old Copperashun can + posserbly show him, will be a reppytishun of the glorious seen + as I seed with my own delited eyes on Wensdy last.</p> + + <p class="author">ROBERT.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h3> + + <p>"Oh Willow! Willow!" Mr. GRACE's memories of Forty years of + Cricket are full of interest, of enthusiasm, and of good + stories. "My Early Cricket Days" will hugely interest young + would-be Willow-wielders. "Cricketers I have Met" is excellent + reading, the Champion being as generous in appreciation as keen + in judgment. On the science of the game he, of course, speaks + as one having authority. THACKERAY said he never saw a boy + without wishing to give him a sovereign. The "Co." for some + time to come will not look on an athletic lad without longing + to give him a copy of "Cricket; by W.G. GRACE." He hopes that + lots of other "dasters" will feel the same yearning, and act + upon it.</p> + + <p>One of the "Co." reports that he has been reading a work on + <i>Decorative Electricity</i>, by Mrs. J.S.H. GORDON, and a + very pretty and original little book he found it, full of + suggestions, ingenious, fanciful, and practical, all at + once—a rare combination. "Those about to" + instal—and most of us will find ourselves in that + position, sooner or later—will gain some invaluable hints + and ideas from this volume, which, in addition to its other + merits, is charmingly illustrated. Before very long we shall + all be modern Aladdins, and summon our Slave of the Lamp as a + matter of course. But there is plenty of scope for imagination + in devising the form of his appearance, notwithstanding, and + Mrs. GORDON's book shows us how the Genius may be compelled to + present himself in a variety of pleasing and fantastic + shapes.</p> + + <p>The Baron is of opinion that <i>The Seal of Fate</i>, by + Lady POLLOCK and W.H. POLLOCK, is an interesting but somewhat + discursive novel. Will it be followed by <i>The Fate of the + Seal</i>, a tale of the Fishery Question?</p> + + <p class="author">BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & Co.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page214" + id="page214"></a>[pg 214]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/214.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/214.png" + alt="LORD RANDOLPH—PAST, PRESENT, AND TO COME-BACK." /> + </a> + + <h3>LORD RANDOLPH—PAST, PRESENT, AND TO + COME-BACK.</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page215" + id="page215"></a>[pg 215]</span> + + <h2>UPON AFRIC'S SHORE;</h2> + + <h3>OR, THE BATTLE OF THE HEROES.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>Not by the Author of "The Battle of + Limerick</i>.")</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">Ye lovers of the nation,</p> + + <p class="i2">Who burn with indignation,</p> + + <p>And England's obfuscation perpetually deplore;</p> + + <p class="i2">Ye flouters of our factions,</p> + + <p class="i2">And partisan distractions,</p> + + <p>How like ye the transactions upon Afric's shore?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">Ye've all heard of the Lion</p> + + <p class="i2">Who a rival cast his eye on,</p> + + <p>(You'll find him in <i>Bombastes</i>) and thought + the brute a bore.</p> + + <p class="i2">Such rival Leos flourish,</p> + + <p class="i2">And mutual hatred nourish,</p> + + <p>With a snapping almost currish, upon Afric's + shore.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">Faith their manes are <i>always</i> + waving,</p> + + <p class="i2">And their claws for contest craving,</p> + + <p>And their forms are always rampant, and they're ever + at full roar,</p> + + <p class="i2">And in book and morning paper,</p> + + <p class="i2">They still clapperclaw and caper,</p> + + <p>And they worry, snarl and vapour about Afric's + shore.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">There was EMIN, sage pacific,</p> + + <p class="i2">The serene and scientific,</p> + + <p>Who a wondrous reputation in a hero-patriot + bore,</p> + + <p class="i2">Until "rescued" by brave STANLEY,</p> + + <p class="i2">Who declared him weak, unmanly.</p> + + <p>Oh! 'tis strange how heroes <i>can</i> lie about + Afric's shore.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">Then BARTTELOT and TROUP,</p> + + <p class="i2">JEPHSON, JAMESON—a group</p> + + <p>Who each of each "made soup"—off each other + tried to score;</p> + + <p class="i2">And in many a verjuiced "vollum"</p> + + <p class="i2">STANLEY's jovial "Rear Column"</p> + + <p>Was discussed in manner solemn, anent Afric's + shore.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">Then the "foreign element"</p> + + <p class="i2">To it tooth and nail <i>they</i> + went,</p> + + <p>And the Battle of the Heroes it grew livelier than + before.</p> + + <p class="i2">Now that man, and now this man,</p> + + <p class="i2">Now DE BRAZZA and now WISSMANN,</p> + + <p>Made it hot for poor Old England upon Afric's + shore.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">Now comes PETERS! He has slanged</p> + + <p class="i2">STANLEY awfully, and banged</p> + + <p>The "Rescue" party badly. It is getting a big + bore,</p> + + <p class="i2">When, with tempers hot as Indies,</p> + + <p class="i2">Heroes smash each other's windies,</p> + + <p>Pursuing of their shindies about Afric's shore.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">It is doubtless "moighty fine,"</p> + + <p class="i2">Being what <i>Titmarsh</i> called "a + line,"</p> + + <p>And it does Society's "sowl" good (no doubt) to hear + him roar;</p> + + <p class="i2">But 'tis folly to suppose</p> + + <p class="i2">He <i>must</i> rush upon his foes,</p> + + <p>And hit them on the nose, upon Afric's shore.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>EARLY CLOSING MOVEMENT.—When Mr. SMITH proposed + shutting up shop early on Tuesdays and Fridays, SIR ROBERT + FOWLER was all for singing, "We won't go home till morning + (<i>three times</i>), Till daylight doth appear." But, as + <i>Falstaff</i> asks, "What doth gravity out of bed after + midnight?" No, Sir ROBERT, doughty knight, take good advice, + and hie thee, armed <i>Night-cap-à -pie</i>, to thy couch. Don't + get up till morning, Till (long after) daylight doth + appear!</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/215.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/215.png" + alt="IBSEN IN BRIXTON." /></a> + + <h3>IBSEN IN BRIXTON.</h3><i>Mrs. Harris</i>. "YES, + WILLIAM, I'VE THOUGHT A DEAL ABOUT IT, AND I FIND I'M + NOTHING BUT YOUR DOLL AND DICKEY-BIRD, AND SO I'M GOING!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>THE PARTY PETER BELL.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A potterer, Sir, he was by trade,</p> + + <p class="i2">A Party Potterer, much respected,</p> + + <p>And every year, when Spring appeared,</p> + + <p>The yellow blooms, to bards endeared,</p> + + <p class="i2">In swarms by PETER were collected.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>He roved among the vales and streams,</p> + + <p class="i2">In the green wood and hollow dell,</p> + + <p>And, upon April's nineteenth day,</p> + + <p>Big buttonholers made display</p> + + <p class="i2">Upon the heart of PETER BELL.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In vain through each succeeding year</p> + + <p class="i2">Did Nature mourn her lessening store.</p> + + <p>A Primrose on the river's brim</p> + + <p>A Party emblem was to him,</p> + + <p class="i2">And it was nothing more!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>DISINFECTING THE WIGS.—"<i>L'Enfant Prodigue</i>," + which is filling the Prince of Wales's Theatre day and night, + has much in it that is delightful. Perhaps there is nothing + quite excels the subtle touch in the programme where it is + written: "The theatre is disinfected by the Sanitas Company, + Limited. <i>The Wigs by Clarkson</i>."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>CURIOUS, AND "MORE ANON!"—The <i>Evelyn</i> v. + <i>Hurlbert</i> trial was as full of literary interest as a + sale of old books and manuscripts. Specially valuable were + copies of <i>Evelyn's Diary</i>; while, in spite of the + pressing demand, <i>Murray's Memoirs</i> were uncommonly + scarce. Victorious Mr. HURLBERT! Yet for all his triumph, he + will be, for some time, a "very much Murray'd man."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A SAVOY QUESTION.—The general idea of the forthcoming + new Opera at the Savoy appears to be "all Dance to SOLOMON's + music." Is it to be a pantomime-drama, like <i>L'Enfant + Prodigue</i>, or simply a ballet? If neither, where do + song-words and dialogue come in?</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page216" + id="page216"></a>[pg 216]</span> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <h4>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h4> + + <p><i>House of Commons, Monday, April 20</i>.—The other + week T.C. BARING was sitting among us, one of the Members for + the City of London. Now BARING is no more, and to-night HUCKS + GIBBS comes in to take his place. VICARY G. brought his father + down; watched him take oath and has undertaken generally to see + him through. In fact, when GIBBS <i>père</i> hesitated about + taking the proffered seat for the City, VICARY undertook to + fill it; finally, GIBBS <i>père</i> being warmly pressed, + consented to sit, and VICARY stood aside. But he will come in + by-and-by, when he has given his father a turn.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:27%;"> + <a href="images/216-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/216-1.png" + alt="Late Member for the City." /></a>Late Member for + the City. + </div> + + <p>"Age before honesty, is my motto," said VICARY, when I + complimented him upon the fine feeling he has shown throughout + these negotiations. "I always think that we young fellows lose + nothing by giving our elders a start. My father, you know, + sometime ago wanted to change the name of our firm. Suggested + it should be called SONS & ANTONY GIBBS. There's something + in it; but on the whole, better leave things as they are. + ANTONY GIBBS & SONS known all over the world; always + embarrassing to change style of an old firm; so, for the + present, at least, we leave things alone. Come along, + <i>Pater</i>; think I'll take you home now. Never rush wildly + into new engagements; you've had the excitement of being sworn + in, and signing the roll of Parliament. You hadn't been in the + place ten minutes before TIM HEALY gave you a chance of voting + on a London City Bill, and that's enough for one night. + By-and-by you shall stay all night and enjoy yourself in + Committee on Irish Land Bill."</p> + + <p>So ANTONY GIBBS AND SON went off before dinner. Didn't miss + much; grinding away at Irish Land Bill; most soul-depressing + experience of modern life; no heart in it; no reality; SAGE of + Queen Anne's Gate brings up amendment after amendment, and + makes successive speeches; SEYMOUR KEAY does ditto; + SHAW-LEFEVRE adds new terror to situation by taking voluminous + notes which promise illimitable succession of orations; House + empty; PRINCE ARTHUR has the full length of Treasury Bench on + which to lounge. Occasionally Division-bell rings; Members + troop in by the hundred; follow their leaders into Lobby right + or left, deciding question they haven't heard debated, and mere + drift of which two-thirds don't understand.</p> + + <p>BRER FOX absent to-night, which precludes possibility of + flare-up in Irish Camp. TIM faithful to his post, but lacks + inspiration of contiguity to BRER FOX.</p> + + <p>"PARNELL's played out," said TIM, referring in course of + evening to BRER FOX's reception in his latest run through + Ireland. "He may ramp and roar here, but his game's up in + Ireland."</p> + + <p>"And is he resigned to the situation?" I asked.</p> + + <p>TIM looked at me, half winking his miraculously preserved + right eye.</p> + + <p>"Did you ever hear, TOBY, what the weeping widow said to the + parson, who asked, 'Was your husband resigned to die?' 'He had + ter be,' she said, choking a sob."</p> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—Very little in the Irish Land + Bill.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday.</i>—Mr. G.'s presence at Morning Sitting + gave only possible fillip to interminable Debate on Land + Purchase Bill. BRER FOX still away, so comparative peace reigns + in Irish Camp. TIM HEALY no one to butt his head against; + COLONEL NOLAN too busy deploying his army of five men; showing + them how to retreat in good order when Division-bell rings, and + how, when it is decided to vote, they shall pass out through + one door, march in at the other, cross the floor, and look as + much as possible as if they were ten instead of five. T.W. + RUSSELL—"Roaring" RUSSELL, as his old colleague in + Temperance fights, WILFRID LAWSON, calls him—frequently + on his legs. At sound of his voice, Mr. G. gets his back up; + interposes interjections and corrections; and presently, when + he can stand it no longer, plunges into a speech.</p> + + <p>Another time SAUNDERSON draws him. "I am very sorry," said + Mr. G., who has been itching to speak for last half-hour, "that + the hon. and gallant Gentleman has dragged me into debate by + gross misstatements."</p> + + <p>Being there, however, Mr. G. enjoys himself passably well, + grinding SAUNDERSON to powder, and hewing RUSSELL to pieces + before the Lord STRATHEDEN AND CAMPBELL, who are sleeping + peacefully together in the Gallery. "Like the Babes in the + Wood," said PLUNKET, looking up smilingly at the face in the + Gallery, which looks twice as wise when asleep as the ordinary + man does in full possession of his senses.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:27%;"> + <a href="images/216-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/216-2.png" + alt="'Roaring' Russell." /></a>"Roaring" Russell. + </div> + + <p>"I know," Mr. G. continued, in measured accents of polite + scorn, "that the eloquence of the hon. and gallant Gentleman + (meaning SAUNDERSON) is as ungovernable as I am afraid it is + sometimes unprofitable. In the exercise of the understanding + which the Almighty has given him, he has represented me as + being a supporter of this Bill."</p> + + <p>Words cannot convey adequate impression of the subtlety of + emotion conveyed by this unwonted, perhaps unprecedented, + invocation. An unmistakeable, though unspoken, indication of + mingled feeling—pity for one so meagrely endowed, and + marvel that, out of boundless stores, the Deity could, even in + this instance, have been so chary of gifts.</p> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—Still less in Committee on Irish + Land Bill.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday.</i>—Rival shows in both Houses to-night. + Lords running the Newfoundland Delegates at the Bar; in the + Commons Budget on. On the whole, Commons drew the fullest + House, to which JOKIM descanted for nearly three hours. If he'd + taken two, the speech would have been a third less long, and + three times as successful. Still the Budget comes but once a + year, and CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER feels bound to make the + most of opportunity. Pretty plain sailing for first two hours. + Then JOKIM ran aground. It was General STAMPS that did it all. + Appeared unexpectedly in long list of details setting forth + Estimates for Revenue in coming year. Nobody ever heard before + of the General; thought, at least, he must belong to the Army + Estimates. But JOKIM would have him in, spurs and epaulettes, + and all.</p> + + <p>"General STAMPS," he said, regardless of grammar, "have + fallen off." JOKIM, in his loose way, omitted to say off what; + presumed to be his horse. House not sorry to hear it; had + enough of the mysterious warrior. But he was up again a few + minutes' later. "General STAMPS," JOKIM continued, in his airy + fashion, "apart from the Death Duties, I reduce from £6,700,000 + to £5,900,000."</p> + + <p>"Better reduce him to the ranks at once," said Admiral + FIELD, who is a terrible martinet.</p> + + <p>But JOKIM took no notice of the suggestion; floundered + along, bungling terribly. Committee tried to help him out; that + didn't help matters much. To have a Member in one part of the + House filling up an awkward pause by suggesting "dried fruit," + another "coffee," a third "rum," and a fourth "probate duty," + when after all, JOKIM was thinking of the Income Tax or General + STAMPS, evidently not designed to advance matters.</p> + + <p>"The Committee knows what I mean," JOKIM said, piteously, + looking round out of a morass a little deeper than he'd been in + lately. But that is exactly what the Committee didn't do.</p> + + <p>"Then," said JOKIM, "you'll understand the figures when you + read them in the papers to-morrow." Something in that; House + mollified; still can't help thinking that if it is to wait till + next morning to read report of Chancellor's Budget Speech in + order to understand his statements, some preliminary time might + be saved in the evening.</p> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—Budget brought in.</p> + + <p><i>Friday Night.</i>—Missed OLD MORALITY from Treasury + Bench; looked in his room; found him in arm-chair, collapsed, + by fire-place, with copy of <i>Morning Advertiser</i> in his + hand.</p> + + <p>"What's the matter?" I asked. "Surely you've not been + reading JOKIM's Budget Speech right through!" He certainly + looked as if he had.</p> + + <p>"No, TOBY," he said; "it's not that; it's the Leader. + Haven't you seen what the <i>Morning Advertiser</i> says about + me? 'For the first time in our recollection he (that's me) + bears on his political escutcheon a deep smudge of dishonour': + and that's all because JOKIM wouldn't take a penny off a barrel + of beer, and twopence off a gallon of spirits. It's the + injustice I feel most acutely. It doesn't seem fair that Mr. + BUNG should try to intimidate JOKIM by abusing me."</p> + + <p>"It <i>is</i> hard," I said; "but it's no use sitting moping + here. Come along into House; they're in Committee on the Land + Bill; an hour or two of that'll freshen you up." And it + did.</p> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—In Committee on the Irish Land + Bill.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14141 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/14141-h/images/205-1.png b/14141-h/images/205-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..32f12cd --- /dev/null +++ b/14141-h/images/205-1.png diff --git a/14141-h/images/205-2.png b/14141-h/images/205-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..63f879f --- /dev/null +++ b/14141-h/images/205-2.png diff --git a/14141-h/images/206.png b/14141-h/images/206.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b666935 --- /dev/null +++ b/14141-h/images/206.png diff --git a/14141-h/images/207.png b/14141-h/images/207.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8f6d924 --- /dev/null +++ b/14141-h/images/207.png diff --git a/14141-h/images/208.png b/14141-h/images/208.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..db24152 --- /dev/null +++ b/14141-h/images/208.png diff --git a/14141-h/images/209-1.png b/14141-h/images/209-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..84571a5 --- /dev/null +++ b/14141-h/images/209-1.png diff --git a/14141-h/images/209-2.png b/14141-h/images/209-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ab94bea --- /dev/null +++ b/14141-h/images/209-2.png diff --git a/14141-h/images/210.png b/14141-h/images/210.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..981a40d --- /dev/null +++ b/14141-h/images/210.png diff --git a/14141-h/images/211.png b/14141-h/images/211.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9a107d0 --- /dev/null +++ b/14141-h/images/211.png diff --git a/14141-h/images/213-1.png b/14141-h/images/213-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5d78701 --- /dev/null +++ b/14141-h/images/213-1.png diff --git a/14141-h/images/213-2.png b/14141-h/images/213-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..3eda51e --- /dev/null +++ b/14141-h/images/213-2.png diff --git a/14141-h/images/213-3.png b/14141-h/images/213-3.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e2561b3 --- /dev/null +++ b/14141-h/images/213-3.png diff --git a/14141-h/images/214.png b/14141-h/images/214.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..594924b --- /dev/null +++ b/14141-h/images/214.png diff --git a/14141-h/images/215.png b/14141-h/images/215.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a2cb455 --- /dev/null +++ b/14141-h/images/215.png diff --git a/14141-h/images/216-1.png b/14141-h/images/216-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5087f76 --- /dev/null +++ b/14141-h/images/216-1.png diff --git a/14141-h/images/216-2.png b/14141-h/images/216-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..48fedab --- /dev/null +++ b/14141-h/images/216-2.png diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..83d03a7 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #14141 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/14141) diff --git a/old/14141-8.txt b/old/14141-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..46709b8 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14141-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1693 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 100, +May 2, 1891, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 100, May 2, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 24, 2004 [EBook #14141] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 100. + + + +May 2, 1891. + + + + +SONGS OF THE UN-SENTIMENTALIST. + +A DUSTMAN'S SILENT TEAR. + + I know not how that Dustman stirred my ire: + He may have failed to call when due: but he-- + My breast being charged with economic fire,-- + Was mulcted of his customary fee. + I was informed, at first he did not seem + To grasp the cruel sense of what he heard, + But asked, "Wot's this 'ere game?" as if some dream + Of evil portents all his pulses stirred; + Then, muttering, he turned, and went his way + Dejected, broken! I had stopped his beer! + Ah! from that Dustman who, alas! can say + I did not wring a sad and silent tear! + + I thought the matter o'er. I vowed no more, + That I with grief would moisten any eye; + Henceforth, whene'er that Dustman passed my door, + Upon his beer he knew he could rely! + Nay more! For never heeding if my bin + Were full or empty, I that Dustman hailed; + His grateful smile my one desire to win; + I felt I could not help it if I failed. + Twice every week he came,--his twopence drew: + That Dustman seemed to brighten with his beer. + And, if he wept, thank Heaven, at least I knew + With joy, not grief, _he shed his silent tear!_ + + * * * * * + + +LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY. + +[CONTINUED.] + +_Thursday, April 16_.--On looking through my book I find that I am +now a member of ten Billsbury Cricket Clubs, to most of which I am a +Vice-President. Not bad, considering that my average in my last year +at school was four, and that I didn't play more than half-a-dozen +times at Oxford. TOLLAND says there are many more Foot-ball Clubs +than Cricket Clubs--a pleasant prospect for me in the Autumn. Have +also had to subscribe to six Missions of various kinds, four Easter +Monday _Fêtes_, six Friendly Societies, three Literary and Scientific +Institutes, five Temperance Associations, four Quoit Clubs, two +Swimming Clubs, seven Sunday Schools, five Church or Chapel Building +Funds, three Ornithological Societies, two Christian Young Men's +Associations, three Children's Free Dinner Funds, one Angling +Association, not to speak of Fire Brigade, Dispensaries, and Brass +Bands. Have also given a Prize to be shot for by Volunteers, as +CHUBSON gives one every year. What with £80 subscription to +the Registration Fund, things are beginning to mount up pretty +considerably. + +[Illustration] + +Have spoken at three meetings since the Mass Meeting. TOLLAND said, +"You needn't refer to Sir THOMAS CHUBSON yourself. Leave our people +to do that. They enjoy that kind of thing, and know how to do it." +They do, indeed. At our last meeting, HOLLEBONE, the Secretary of +the Junior Conservative Club, went on at him for twenty minutes in +proposing resolution of confidence in me. "Sir THOMAS," he said, +"talks of his pledges. The less Sir THOMAS says about them the +better. I can't walk out anywhere in Billsbury for two minutes without +tripping over the broken fragments of some of Sir THOMAS's pledges. +It's getting quite dangerous. Sir THOMAS, they say, made himself. It's +a pity he couldn't put in a little consistency when he was engaged on +the job. We don't want any purse-proud Radical knights to represent +us. We want a straightforward man, who says what he means; and you'll +agree with me, fellow-townsmen, that we've got one in our eloquent and +popular young Candidate." + +This went down very well. Next day, however, the _Meteor_ +"parallel-columned" Sir THOMAS CHUBSON's career and mine. +Mine occupied six lines; Sir THOMAS's "Life of honourable and +self-sacrificing industry" ran to nearly a column. "It will be +observed," said the _Meteor_, "that there is a good deal of blank +space in Mr. PATTLE's comparative career; but this no doubt recommends +him to his Conservative friends, who are quite equal to filling it +brilliantly with their imaginative rhetoric about his chances of +success." + +Primrose Day, the day after to-morrow. We're going to have a great +demonstration at Billsbury. Mother is going down with me to-morrow. + +_April 20th, "George Hotel," Billsbury_.--The Demonstration yesterday +was a splendid success. At ten o'clock in the morning the Conservative +Band marched up to the Hotel and played patriotic airs under the +window. Mother and I drove to the Beaconsfield Club in an open +carriage and pair, escorted by the band. Mother's bonnet was all +primroses, and she carried an immense bouquet of them. _Carlo_ +came with us and sat on the back-seat. His collar was stuck full of +primroses, and small bunches were tied on to the tufts on his back +and at the end of his tail. I wore a buttonhole of primroses, and +carried a huge primrose wreath to be placed round the bust of LORD +BEACONSFIELD, which stands in the hall of the Club. The coachman and +horses too were all tricked out with bunches. TOLLAND and CHORKLE, +and all the leaders of the Party, met us at the entrance of the Club, +and the ceremony of depositing the flowers all round the bust began. +CHORKLE, who once shook hands with DIZZY in the lobby of the House, +made a great speech, mostly composed of personal reminiscences of our +great departed leader. (By the way CHORKLE has six children, five +of them being sons, whose names are BENJAMIN DISRAELI CHORKLE, CECIL +SALISBURY CHORKLE, STRAFFORD THOROUGH CHORKLE, HOBBES LEVIATHAN +CHORKLE, and RANDOLPH CHURCHILL CHORKLE.) The sixth, eighteen months +old, is a girl. Her name is WILLIAMINA HENRIETTA SMITH CHORKLE. They +were all present, covered with primroses. I added a few words about +the inspiring effect that the contemplation of LORD BEACONSFIELD's +career must have upon the youth of the country. Mother's bouquet kept +falling off the place she had put it on, and two or three enthusiasts +always dashed forward to pick it up, causing a good many collisions. +In the middle of my speech, _Carlo_ walked into the centre of the +hall, sat down and proceeded to gnaw off the primroses which had been +tied to his tail. He then ate them all solemnly, and after that rolled +over on his back with his paws stuck straight out, pretending he was +dead. I must tell Mother not to bring that dog again. There was a +great banquet in the evening. VULLIAMY came down for it and spoke very +kindly about me in his speech. Said he had followed my career with +profound interest and pleasure from my earliest years. I've only known +him a year. + + * * * * * + +NOTHING LIKE DISCIPLINE! + +(_EXTRACT FROM THE DIARY OF_ PRIVATE ATKINS, _PRINCE'S COMPANY, 4TH +BATTALION, H.M.'S GUZZLEBEER GUARDS._) + +_Monday_.--Joined the Regiment. Appeared on Parade, and was requested +to come to "attention," although the Sergeant _must_ have seen that I +was "standing at ease." Expressed a desire that the Commanding-officer +should rectify the mistake, when all ended amicably. Sergeant +apologised, and promised that it should not occur again. Satisfied. +Both Sergeant and Commanding-officer well up in their duties! + +[Illustration] + +_Tuesday_.--Bugle sounded too early for Assembly. Sent a message to +the Adjutant by his orderly (with my compliments) saying that I would +feel much obliged if the Parade were postponed an hour. Adjutant +returned _his_ compliments, with a request that I would give in +writing my reason for desiring a delay. Explained (by word of mouth) +that I wanted to read the newspapers. Parade consequently postponed as +requested. Obliging chap the Adjutant! + +_Wednesday_.--Warned for Guard. Sent for the Major of my +half-battalion (don't like bothering the Commanding-officer about +every trifle), and explained that, although the Surgeon had seen me, +and reported me fit, I had a presentiment that the easterly winds +would play the very mischief with me if I went "Sentry Go." Major +thought, perhaps it would be better if I were struck off duty. Excused +Guard in consequence. Good sort Major of my half-battalion! + +_Thursday_.--Sorry to find rations very unsatisfactory. Complained +to the Officer of the day, who reported the matter to the Captain. +Captain said he would have asked the entire company to dine with him +at his Club had he not been engaged. He then passed us on to his +Subs. The latter most obligingly gave us some food at a Restaurant. +_Châteaubriand_ excellent, _Sole à la Normande_ decent, but _Potage à +la bisque_ too rich. Mistake to order the latter, as one can never get +it _really_ good, except on the Continent. Wine tol-lol. Pol Royer of +'84. However, spent a very pleasant evening. Both Subs, when you know +them, not half bad fellows! + +_Friday_.--Rather a head, and felt generally out of sorts. Warned for +Kit-inspection. Couldn't stand this, so called upon General Commanding +District. Not at home, but was asked would I see his _locum tenens_? +Replied in the negative, as I don't believe in go-betweens. Didn't +return to barracks, as I thought I might get a breath of sea-air at +Southend. + +_Saturday_.--Arrested and conveyed to the Guard-room. Suppose I +shall be released with a caution. At any rate, for the present, diary +confiscated. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE GARDEN OF SLEEP; + +OR, "PUT THAT IN YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT!" + +_Miss India_. "EVICT ME? WITH PLEASURE, SAHIB. BUT HOW ABOUT +'COMPENSATION FOR DISTURBANCE?'"] + + * * * * * + + In the heart of fair Ind, which JOHN BULL hopes to keep, + Trade planted a Garden--a Garden of Sleep; + 'Neath the hot Eastern sky--in the place of good corn-- + It is there that the baneful white Poppy is born,-- + Chinese Johnny's desire, lending dreams of delight, + Which are his when the poppy-juice cometh in sight. + Oh! the Mart hath no heart, and Trade laugheth to scorn + The plea of friend PEASE, where the Poppies are born. + + In this Garden of Sleep, where white Poppies are spread, + Fair INDIA plucketh the opiate head. + JOHN BULL says. "My dear, PEASE's tales make me creep. + He swears it, fills graves with 'pigtails,' who seek sleep!" + Fair INDIA replies, "That may possibly be; + But they Revenue bring, some Six Millions, you see! + Turn me out if you will, smash the Trade if you must; + But--you'll make up the money somehow, Sir, I trust!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WANTED--A LOCAL HABITATION. + +(_Commended by Mr. Punch to the Patrons of British Art._) + +_English Art_ (_to Sir James L-nt-n, Messrs. T-te and Agn-w_), "NOW, +GENTLEMEN, THE GOVERNMENT HAS GIVEN THE SITE FOR MY HOUSE,--IT ONLY +REMAINS FOR YOU TO BUILD IT." + +[The CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER announced that the Government had +assigned a site for the new Gallery of Modern Art, as he thought it +would be unwise to risk the failure of the gift of £80,000 which had +been offered to erect a building.]] + + * * * * * + +SOMEBODY'S LUGGAGE. + +In view of the intense public excitement aroused by the statement that +Lord RANDOLPH CHURCHILL, in his expedition to Mashonaland, is only +going to take two books with him--SHAKSPEARE and MOLIÈRE--an Inquiring +Correspondent has recently written to several eminent persons on this +subject, and has received--so he says--the following replies:-- + +SIR,--You ask me what books I should take if I were contemplating +a visit to the Dark Continent, like Lord RANDOLPH CHURCHILL. +The question, in the abstract, and without reference to my own +personality, is an interesting one, and no doubt human fallibility +would, in the case you suppose, induce me to take several volumes of +my own _Gleanings_ with me,--not so much for their intrinsic merits, +as because perhaps they might form a new kind of literature for native +African potentates. HOMER, too, _of course_. At my time of life, +however, I must be excused from grappling with any new Continents, +dark or otherwise. I find that Ireland is quite dark enough for me +just now. Excuse a card. Yours, W.E. GL-DST-NE. + +SIR,--As I am not "contemplating an expedition to the Dark Continent," +and have no sympathy with Hottentots, there seems to be no sufficient +reason for my answering your questions, or for your asking them. +S-L-SB-RY. + +SIR,--Your question is ridiculous. The only books worth taking to +Africa, or anywhere else, would be a bound copy of last year's +_Review of Reviews_, GENERAL BOOTH's epoch-making volume, and--this +is indispensable--SIR C. D-LKE's invaluable _Problems of Greater +Britain._ When I went to Rome, I naturally took with me the "hundred +best books in the world." They were a little heavy, but I thought +the POPE would like to see them. However, circumstances prevented my +presenting them to His Holiness. Yours, W.T. ST-D. + +SIR,--I don't know much about books. I've just written rather a good +one on _Cricket_, and I think if I were going to Africa I should take +a supply. From all I've heard of TIPPOO TIB, I should think he would +enjoy the game; at any rate TIPPOO ought to be able to master tip and +run without much difficulty. W.G. GR-CE. + +SIR,--Having consulted my relatives--also CAPTAIN M-L-SW-RTH--as +to whether there would be any impropriety in giving a reply to your +questions, I am happy to say that they seem to think there would be +none, but that on the contrary it might even assist the takings at the +Aquarium. I may therefore mention that if I were proceeding to Central +Africa there is _only one book_ I should dream of taking with me. That +would be a copy of the Proceedings of the London County Council, since +the joyful date of its advent on this planet. Yours obediently, Z-o. + +SIR,--The one book I should take with me to Africa would be DR. +PETERS' recent valuable work--_More Light on Dark Africa_. I should +give it to the Dwarfs. It would make capital poisoned arrows. H.M. +ST-NL-Y. + +SIR,--The only book worth thinking about for such an expedition as +you mention would be STANLEY's _In Darkest Africa_. Its Maps would be +invaluable,--as presents for a rival explorer, whom one might desire +to mislead as to his route. CARL P-T-RS. + + * * * * * + +MR. HERKOMER AND MR. PENNELL. + +PROFESSOR HERKOMER defends the use of Photography for the engraver's +purposes, and clearly thinks that what TENNYSON ought to have written, +in _Locksley Hall_, was-- + +"And the thoughts of men are widened by a Process of the Sun's." + +He also comforts himself with the reflection that being called over +the coals in the _National Observer_, is one of the PENNELL-ties of +success. + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S POCKET IBSEN. + +(_CONDENSED AND REVISED VERSION BY MR. P.'S OWN HARMLESS IBSENITE_.) + +NO. III.--HEDDA GABLER. + +ACT II. + + SCENE--_The cheerful dark Drawing-room. It is afternoon. + HEDDA stands loading a revolver in the back Drawing-room._ + +_Hedda_ (_looking out, and shouting_). How do you do, Judge? (_Aims at +him._) Mind yourself! [_She fires._ + +_Brack_ (_entering_). What the devil! Do you usually take pot-shots at +casual visitors? [_Annoyed._ + +_Hedda_. Invariably, when they come by the back-garden. It is my +unconventional way of intimating that I am at home. One does do these +things in realistic dramas, you know. And I was only aiming at the +blue sky. + +_Brack_. Which accounts for the condition of my hat. (_Exhibiting +it._) Look here--_riddled_! + +_Hedda_. Couldn't help myself. I am so horribly bored with TESMAN. +Everlastingly to be with a professional person! + +_Brack_ (_sympathetically_). Our excellent TESMAN is certainly a bit +of a bore. (_Looks searchingly at her_.) What on earth made you marry +him? + +_Hedda_. Tired of dancing, my dear, that's all. And then I used TESMAN +to take me home from parties; and we saw this villa; and I said I +liked it, and so did he; and so we found some common ground, and here +we are, do you see! And I loathe TESMAN, and I don't even like the +villa now; and I do feel the want of an entertaining companion so! + +[Illustration: "I am a Norwegian literary man, and peculiar."] + +_Brack_. Try me. Just the kind of three-cornered arrangement that +I like. Let me be the third person in the +compartment--(_confidentially_)--the tried friend, and, generally +speaking, cock of the walk! + +_Hedda_ (_audibly drawing in her breath_). I cannot resist your +polished way of putting things. We will conclude a triple alliance. +But hush!--here comes TESMAN. + + [_Enter GEORGE, with a number of books under his arm._ + +_George_. Puff! I _am_ hot, HEDDA. I've been looking into LÖVBORG's +new book. Wonderfully thoughtful--confound him! But I must go and +dress for your party, Judge. [_He goes out._ + +_Hedda_. I wish I could get TESMAN to take to politics, Judge. +Couldn't he be a Cabinet Minister, or something? + +_Brack_. H'm! + + [_A short pause; both look at one another, without speaking. + Enter GEORGE, in evening dress, with gloves._ + +_George_. It is afternoon, and your party is at half-past seven--but I +like to dress early. Fancy that! And I am expecting LÖVBORG. + + [_EJLERT LÖVBORG comes in from the hall; he is worn and pale, + with red patches on his cheek-bones, and wears an elegant + perfectly new visiting-suit, and black gloves._ + +_George_. Welcome! (_Introduces him to BRACK._) Listen--I have got +your new book, but I haven't read it through yet. + +_Lövborg_. You needn't--it's rubbish. (_Takes a packet of MSS. out._) +This _isn't_. It's in three parts; the first about the civilising +forces of the future, the second about the future of the civilising +forces, and the third about the forces of the future civilisation. I +thought I'd read you a little of it this evening? + +_Brack and George_ (_hastily_). Awfully nice of you--but there's a +little party this evening--so sorry we can't stop! Won't you come too? + +_Hedda_. No, he must stop and read it to me and Mrs. ELVSTED instead. + +_George_. It would never have occurred to me to think of such clever +things! Are you going to oppose me for the Professorship, eh? + +_Lövborg_ (_modestly_). No; I shall only triumph over you in the +popular judgment--that's all! + +_George_. Oh, is that all? Fancy! Let us go into the back drawing-room +and drink cold punch. + +_Lövborg_. Thanks--but I am a reformed character, and have renounced +cold punch--it is poison. + + [_GEORGE and BRACK go into the back-room and drink punch, + whilst HEDDA shows LÖVBORG a photograph album in the front._ + +_Lövborg_ (_slowly, in a low tone_). HEDDA GABLER! how _could_ you +throw yourself away like this!--Oh, is _that_ the ORTLER Group? +Beautiful!--Have you forgotten how we used to sit on the settee +together behind an illustrated paper, and--yes, very picturesque +peaks--I told you all about how I had been on the loose? + +_Hedda_. Now, none of that, here! These are the Dolomites.--Yes, I +remember; it was a beautiful fascinating Norwegian intimacy--but +it's over now. See, we spent a night in that little mountain village, +TESMAN and I! + +_Lövborg_. Did you, indeed? Do you remember that delicious moment when +you threatened to shoot me down--(_tenderly_)--I do! + +_Hedda_ (_carelessly_). Did I? I have done that to so many people. But +now all that is past, and you have found the loveliest consolation +in dear, good, little Mrs. ELVSTED--ah, here she is! (_Enter_ Mrs. +ELVSTED.) Now, THEA, sit down and drink up a good glass of cold punch. +Mr. LÖVBORG is going to have some. If you don't, Mr. LÖVBORG, GEORGE +and the Judge will think you are afraid of taking too much if you once +begin. + +_Mrs. E._ Oh, please, HEDDA! When I've inspired Mr. LÖVBORG so--good +gracious! _don't_ make him drink cold punch! + +_Hedda_. You see, Mr. LÖVBORG, our dear little friend can't _trust_ +you! + +_Lövborg_. So _that_ is my comrade's faith in me! (_Gloomily._) _I_'ll +show her if I am to be trusted or not. (_He drinks a glass of punch_.) +Now I'll go to the Judge's party. I'll have another glass first. +Your health, THEA! So you came up to spy on me, eh? I'll drink the +Sheriff's health--_everybody's_ health! + + [_He tries to get more punch._ + +_Hedda_ (_stopping him_). No more now. You are going to a party, +remember. [GEORGE _and_ TESMAN _come in from back-room._ + +_Lövborg._ Don't be angry, THEA. I was fallen for a moment. Now I'm up +again! (Mrs. E. _beams with delight_). Judge, I'll come to your party, +as you _are_ so pressing, and I'll read GEORGE my manuscript all the +evening. I'll do all in _my_ power to make that party go! + +_George_. No? fancy! that _will_ be amusing! + +_Hedda_. There, go away, you wild rollicking creatures! But Mr. +LÖVBORG must be back at ten, to take dear THEA home! + +_Mrs. E._ Oh, goodness, yes! (_In concealed agony._) Mr. LÖVBORG, I +shan't go away till you do! + + [_The three men go out laughing merrily; the Act-drop is + lowered for a minute; when it is raised, it is 7 A.M., and + Mrs. ELVSTED and HEDDA are discovered sitting up, with rugs + around them._ + +_Mrs. E._ (_wearily_). Seven in the morning, and Mr. LÖVBORG not here +to take me home _yet_! what _can_ he be doing? + +_Hedda_ (_yawning_). Reading to TESMAN, with vine-leaves in his hair, +I suppose. Perhaps he has got to the third part. + +_Mrs. E._ Oh, do you _really_ think so, HEDDA? Oh, if I could but hope +he was doing that! + +_Hedda_. You silly little ninny! I should like to scorch your hair +off. Go to bed! [Mrs. E. _goes. Enter_ GEORGE. + +_George_. I'm a little late, eh? But we made _such_ a night of it. +Fancy! It was most amusing. EJLERT read his book to me--think of that! +Astonishing book! Oh, we really had great fun! I wish _I'd_ written +it. Pity he's so irreclaimable. + +_Hedda_. I suppose you mean he has more of the courage of life than +most people? + +_George_. Good Lord! He had the courage to get more drunk than +most people. But, altogether, it was what you might almost call a +Bacchanalian orgy. We finished up by going to have early coffee with +some of these jolly chaps, and poor old LÖVBORG dropped his precious +manuscript in the mud, and I picked it up--and here it is! Fancy +if anything were to happen to it! He never could write it again. +_Wouldn't_ it be sad, eh? Don't tell anyone about it. + + [_He leaves the packet of MSS. on a chair, and rushes out; + HEDDA hides the packet as BRACK enters._ + +_Brack_. _Another_ early call, you see! My party was such a singularly +animated _soirée_ that I haven't undressed all night. Oh, it was +the liveliest affair conceivable! And, like a true Norwegian host, +I tracked LÖVBORG home; and it is only my duty, as a friend of the +house, and cock of the walk, to take the first opportunity of telling +you that he finished up the evening by coming to mere loggerheads with +a red-haired opera-singer, and being taken off to the police-station! +You mustn't have him here any more. Remember our little triple +alliance! + +_Hedda_ (_her smile fading away_). You are certainly a dangerous +person--but you must not get a hold over me! + +_Brack_ (_ambiguously_). What an idea! But I might--I am an +insinuating dog. Good morning! [_Goes out._ + +_Lövborg_ (_bursting in, confused and excited_). I suppose you've +heard where _I've_ been? + +_Hedda_ (_evasively_). I heard you had a very jolly party at Judge +BRACK's. [Mrs. ELVSTED _comes in._ + +_Lövborg_. It's all over. I don't mean to do any more work. I've no +use for a companion now, THEA. Go home to your Sheriff! + +_Mrs. E._ (_agitated_). Never! I want to be with you when your book +comes out! + +_Lövborg_. It won't _come_ out--I've torn it up! (_Mrs. E. rushes out, +wringing her hands_.) Mrs. TESMAN, I told her a lie--but no matter. +I haven't torn my book up--I've done worse! I've taken it about to +several parties, and it's been through a police-row with me--now I've +lost it. Even if I found it again, it wouldn't be the same--not to me! +I am a Norwegian literary man, and peculiar. So I must make an end of +it altogether! + +_Hedda_. Quite so--but look here, you must do it beautifully. I +don't insist on your putting vine-leaves in your hair--but do it +beautifully. (_Fetches pistol._) See, here is one of General GABLER's +pistols--do it with _that_! + +_Lövborg._ Thanks! + + [_He takes the pistol, and goes out through the hall-door; + as soon as he has gone, HEDDA brings out the manuscript, and + puts it on the fire, whispering to herself, as Curtain falls._ + + * * * * * + +CAN A MAN IMPRISON HIS WIFE? + +(_AN AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL CONSIDERATION OF THE QUESTION, BY AN EMINENT +LEGAL AUTHORITY._) + +[Illustration: Summing Up.] + +It may be remembered that (I trust) in deserved acknowledgment of +my professional pre-eminence, I received, some little while ago, +the appointment of a Deputy-Assistant-Revising-Barristership. In +performing the duties of this important office, I sometimes have to +incur bodily risk--the more especially when I have to distinguish +between the rival claims of the political parties that I am sorry +to say have made Lambville-cum-Minton the antithesis of heaven upon +earth. On the occasion to which I particularly wish to refer, I was +accompanied by my Wife, to my secret annoyance, as I am afraid the +Lady who does me the honour to share my name is unduly apprehensive of +my safety, and, besides this general plea, I had yet another special +reason for desiring her absence. To tell the truth, I had been greatly +moved by a decision given in the Court of Appeal, whereby it seemed to +me (and no doubt to many of my learned friends) the custody of a wife +by her husband had become an empty phrase, signifying nothing. I felt +that if, by any means, I could get this judgment set aside, I would +not only confer upon myself, as a married man, a signal benefit, but, +moreover, as a Counsel, obtain increased professional distinction. +However, I was embarrassed by the presence of my Wife, when I came +to consider the best mode in which marital authority might be +assumed to raise the question of the right of _habeas corpus_. I +had returned to my room before the opening of the Registration +Court at Lambville-cum-Minton, in rather a disturbed frame of mind. +Truth to tell, my Wife, having learned that political feeling +was rising so high in the town that it was possible that the +Deputy-Assistant-Revising-Barrister might be assaulted by either or +both of the rival factions, had done her best to dissuade me from +taking my customary seat. + +"What shall I do, to say nothing of the darling children, if you are +brought home on a hurdle?" she sobbed out. + +I assured her that there was a very remote risk of my succumbing to +such a fate, as the conveyance home on a hurdle raised the presumption +that the victim had been hunting, a sport in which I seldom, I may +say, never indulged. But this explanation did not reassure her, +and she left me in tears. Her emotion caused me much pain, the more +especially as my proposed task seemed to me, under the circumstances, +a species of domestic treason. However, I hardened my heart, and sat +down to consider the facts of the case. To allow the right of seizure +to be argued, it would be necessary to take my Wife out of the custody +of someone other than myself. Her mother, a most estimable old lady, +with whom I have had many a pleasant and exciting game of backgammon, +seemed a right and proper person to assist me in carrying out my +project. But the objection immediately occurred to me that it would +be an exceedingly difficult matter to induce her to hold my Wife from +me unless I desired her to take such a course. But if I made this +request, would not the proceeding savour of collusion? To meet this +obstacle I came to the conclusion that I might get my Wife to pay +a visit to her mother, and then, appropriately disguised, seize and +carry her off. By locking her in the conveyance and riding on the box, +I could preserve my incognito until reaching home, and then I might +confine her in her own room with assumed harshness, and possibly (of +this I had some doubt) get her to complain of her imprisonment. By +keeping my Wife's domicile a close secret, her mother would be induced +to visit me to ask my professional assistance in recovering her +daughter. Thus approached it would be possible to so advise the old +lady that in the result she would demand my Wife's presence in Court +under a writ of _habeas corpus_. Then would come my opportunity. +Of course I would produce my Wife, and having carefully prepared my +arguments, would deliver an oration that would fill columns of the +newspapers, and hand down my name to generations to come as _the_ +authority on marital rights. I saw in the near future wealth and +restored domestic happiness. But the first thing to do was to lock +up my Wife. And at this point it occurred to me that it was time for +me to walk over to the Revision Court. I hastily gathered certain +necessary articles into my brief-bag, and putting on my hat, grasped +the handle of the door. To my surprise I found that I could obtain no +egress. I rang the bell--and instead of a servant my Wife answered the +summons. "The door is locked, dear," I observed, "and as the key seems +to be on the other side, will you kindly open it, as I am in a hurry +to be off." + +"You will stay where you are," was the reply. "You are not going to +get killed by attending a nonsensical Revision Court." + +"But I must go," I explained; and then assuming a tone of authority I +rarely adopt, I added, "and you will be good enough to open the door +at once." + +"I shall do nothing of the sort," replied my Wife, calmly. "I locked +you in, and I shan't let you out." + +"What, Madam," I exclaimed; "do you defy my authority?" + +"Certainly!" was the immediate response, "You may say or think what +you like, but you don't leave this house to-day as sure as I am your +lawfully wedded Wife." + +And as a matter of fact I didn't! + +(_Signed._) A. BRIEFLESS, JUNIOR. + +_Pump-handle Court._ + + * * * * * + +OPERATIC NOTES. + +[Illustration] + +_Monday_.--To see MADAME ALBANI as _Violetta_ the consumptive +heroine of "_La Traviata_." Charmingly sung and admirably, nay, most +touchingly, acted. MAUREL excellent as _Germont Senior_, and MONTARIOL +quite the weak-minded masher _Alfredo_. What a different turn the +story might have taken had it occurred to _Violetta_ to have a +flirtation with the handsome middle-aged _père noble_! At one time it +almost seemed as if there had been some change in motive of the Opera +since I last saw it, and that the above original idea was about to +be carried out. But no; in another second _Germont-Maurel_ as "Old +Maurelity" (by kind permission of TOBY, M.P.) had pulled himself +together, and _Albani-Violetta_ was in the depths of remorseful +sorrow. In that gay and festive supper scene, where a physician, +unostentatiously styled _Il Dottore_ (he would probably be _Ill_ +Dottore the morning after) is present to look after the health of the +guests, and perhaps to "propose" it, I noticed with pleasure that, +on the tables, DRURIOLANUS ALDERMANICUS, mindful of civic feasts, had +placed bottles of real champagne, or at least real champagne-bottles. +This interested the audience muchly, and numerous were the glasses +turned in the direction of the bottles--of course 'tis opera-glasses +I mean, yer honour,--in order to ascertain what particular wanity was +_La Traviata's_ favourite; but the bottles were so placed that only +one unimportant word on the label was visible. Was it Pommery '80 +_très sec_?--Or what was it? Impossible to see: it was not mentioned +in the dialogue, so "Mumm" might have been the word. But at all +events, if the wine is one which requires advertisement, the guests +should be told to be very careful to leave the bottles in the same +position as in the old prefatial stage-directions "the reader of the +play" is supposed to be; i.e., "_on the stage, facing the audience_." + +_Wednesday._--_Rigoletto_. M. MAUREL as the Jester; acting good, voice +too loud. ALBANI, as _Gilda_, overwhelmed with encores. M. MONTARIOL's +_Il Duca_ is _Alfredo_ over again, only confirmed in a vicious career. +To obtain an encore for the great but now hackneyed song, "_La Donna +e mobile_," a wonderful rendering is absolutely essential, and somehow +something seems wanting to the success of _Rigoletto_ when this song +goes for nothing and is passed without a rapturous "_bis, bis!_" which +makes a Manager rub his hands and smilingly say to himself, "Good +bis-ness." + +_Thursday._--_Lohengrin_ I believe, but wasn't there. Hope the Opera +went all right without me. Can't be in more places than one at the +same moment. Same remarks apply to Friday and Saturday. + + * * * * * + +TO MISS ALICE ATHERTON AT THE STRAND THEATRE. + + To see her in _Our Daughters_! worth the money! + She 'ATH ER "TON" so genuinely funny! + Yes, ALICE, in such acting, dance, or song, + We recognise thy talent _et ton_ "_ton_." + + * * * * * + +Of the Modern Bill of Costs, the Ancient "Bill of the Play," +SHAKSPEARE, and the present representative of the Ancient Mariner, +L.C.J. COLERIDGE, both observe, "Oh, reform it altogether!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WHAT OUR FIN-DE-SIÈCLISTS ARE GROWING TO. + +"OH, OH, OH! CONFOUND IT!" + +"WHAT _IS_ THE MATTER, ALGY?" + +"I JUST LET MY FOOT OUT ON THE STIRRUP, AND THIS BEAST OF A PONY'S +TROD ON MY TOE!"] + + * * * * * + +HYMEN AND CUPID. + +(_FIN-DE-SIÈCLE VERSION, SOME WAY AFTER MOORE._) + + HYMEN, late, his love-knots selling, + Called at many a maiden's dwelling; + But he found too well they knew him; + None were prompter to pooh-pooh him. + "Who'll buy my love-knots? + Who'll buy my love-knots?" + Soon as that old cry resounded. + How his baskets were surrounded! + + Maidens mocked, with laughter dying, + Those fool-knots of HYMEN's tying; + Dames, who once with him had sided, + Openly his wares derided. + "Who'll buy my love-knots? + Who'll buy my love-knots?" + All at that old cry came flocking, + Mocking in a style quite shocking. + + "Here are knots," said HYMEN, taking + Some loose nooses of Law's making. + "Pooh!" the nymphs cried. "Who can trust 'em? + We have changed your queer old custom. + Who'll buy your love-knots? + Who'll buy your love-knots? + Women they bind not, nor tie men. + You're a helpless gaoler, HYMEN! + + "When the bargain is completed, + We have but to cry, 'We're cheated!' + And you'll find you're sold most sadly. + Love-knots? Fools'-knots! They tie badly. + Who'll buy _your_ love-knots? + Who'll buy _your_ love-knots? + Burdens you would lay our backs on-- + Our reply is--TOLSTOI! JACKSON!" + + HYMEN dropped his torch; its splutter + Was extinguished in the gutter. + "At my torch and crown of roses + These young minxes cock their noses. + Who'll buy my love-knots? + Who'll buy my love-knots?" + What's the use? 'Twixt Law and Passion, + HYMEN's plainly out of fashion! + + LOVE, who saw the whole proceeding, + Would have laughed but for good breeding. + "Best join _me_," he cried, "Old Chappie! + IBSEN read, be free, and happy! + Who'll buy your love-knots? + Who'll buy your love-knots? + Have a spree--all shackles scorning, + Come! We won't go home till morning!'" + + * * * * * + +A BACONIAN THEORY; + +OR, TRYING IT ON. + +SOLOMON isn't in it with Judge BACON. The point was whether Mrs. +MANLEY had made Miss DOROTHY DENE's dresses to fit or not. "To fit or +not to fit, that was the question." The Judge gave his decision after +a fair trial of the two costumes--this might be remembered on both +sides as "the trying-on case,"--that, according to the evidence of +unimpeachable witnesses represented by the Judge's own common-sense +and artistic eye for effect, two of the dresses and a cloak didn't +fit, and that so far, the Defendant, Miss DOROTHY, must consider +herself, in a dress-making sense, "non-suited." Mrs. MANLEY had, of +course, undertaken to provide fits for her customers, and for having +partially failed, her customers determined to return the compliment, +by "giving _her_ fits" if possible. So the parties came before +Judge BACON, and appealed to His Honour. And the learned Judge +mindful of ancestral Baconian wisdom, "_Cast a severe eye upon the +example_"--that is, he examined the dresses most critically,--"_but +a merciful eye upon the person_,"--for the fair Plaintiff and fair +Defendant His Honour showed himself a most fair Judge, unwilling, as +BACON, "to give beans" to either party, and so dismissing them with +his beany-diction. But, _pauca verba_,--and may we always have nothing +but praise to bestow on _Bacon's Essays_. + + * * * * * + +A DISCLAIMER. + +(_BY AN UNIONIST._) + + _I_ "prefer PARNELL"? Oh dear, no! + There is no man I've hated so. + But, since he turned a fierce derider + Of him he calls the "Grand Old Spider;" + Since he has "blown" the Home-Rule "gaff," + And whelmed the Gladstone gang with chaff; + Since he has almost wiped out PIGOTT, + Half justified the Orange bigot; + Proved part of the _Times_' charge at least, + And won the "Hill-men," lost the Priest;-- + Since then--why, hang it, 'tis such fun, + I half forgive him all he's done; + I'll back him, bet on him, and grin; + Give him my vote, and hope he'll win. + But I _prefer_ him? Goodness gracious! + Why _can't_ Gladstonians be veracious? + + * * * * * + +SIR HENRY LOCH'S "STRAIGHT TIP" TO THE INTRUSIVE BOERS IN +MASHONALAND.--"Play us none of your 'treks'!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HYMEN, FIN DE SIÈCLE. "MAIDENS MOCKED, WITH LAUGHTER +DYING, THOSE FOOL-KNOTS OF HYMEN'S TYING."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MOLTKE in German-style script] + +HELMUTH KARL BERNHARD VON MOLTKE. + +_BORN, OCTOBER 26TH, 1803. DIED, APRIL 24TH_, 1891. + + Strong, silent Soldier, whom the unmarked years + Shaped to such service of the Fatherland + As seldom to one firm, unfailing hand, + A State hath owed; to-day a People's tears + Bedew the most illustrious of biers! + The waning century hastening to its close + Hath scarce a greater on its glory-roll, + Hope of thy land, and terror of its foes; + Of foresight keen, and long-enduring soul! + War's greatness is not greatest; there are heights + Of splendour pure mere warriors scarce may scale, + But thou wert more than battle's scourge and flail, + Calm-souled controller of such Titan fights + As mould man's after-history. When thy star + Shone clear at Koniggrätz, men gazed and knew + The light that heralds the great Lords of War; + And when o'er Sedan thy black Eagles flew + And the bold Frank, betrayed and broken, drew + One shuddering gasp of agony and sank, + When thy long-mustered legions rank on rank + Hemmed the fair, fated City of men's love, + Then thy star culminated, shone above + All but the few fixed beacon-lights, which owned + A new compeer. Long steadfastly enthroned + In German hearts, and all men's reverence, + Suddenly, softly thou art summoned hence, + To the great muster, full of years and fame! + How thinks _he_, lord of a co-equal name, + Thine ancient comrade in war's iron lists, + Just left, and lone, of the Titanic Three + Who led the Eagles on to victory? + Calmest of Captains, first of Strategists. + BISMARCK must bend o'er thy belaurelled bier + With more than common grief in the unbidden tear! + + * * * * * + +JOKIM AND JOHN.--The CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER is following Mr. JOHN +HOLLINGSHEAD's example. The latter started "No fees" for Play-time, +and the former advocates "No fees" for School-time. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A PROP OF THE DRAMA. + +"WHAT, BACK ALREADY, ARCHIE! WAS IT A DULL PIECE, THEN?" + +"DON'T KNOW. DIDN'T STOP TO SEE. JUST LOOKED ROUND STALLS AND BOXES, +AND DIDN'T SEE A SOUL I KNEW!--SO I CAME AWAY."] + + * * * * * + +ROBERT AT THE CHILDREN'S FANCY BALL. + +Well, I've said it afore, and now I says it agane, as I don't bleeve +as sich another both bewtifool and elligant site is to be seen in all +the world, as is to be seen at these anniwersary yearly festivals in +our nobel Egipshun All at the honoured Manshun House. + +Of course I don't no what sort of intertainement was held there when +the aincient Egipshuns had it, or weather they ewer was there at +all--for I ain't much of a hantiquery; but, from what I've seen of +some on 'em at the British Mewseum, I should think as there werry +peculyar style of dress was not much sooted to such occashuns. + +[Illustration] + +I thinks, upon the hole, as the children's dresses on this speshal +ocashun "beat the record," as the runners and jumpers says, both for +illigance and wariety, and, shoud I atemt to describe 'em, where on +airth shoud I begin! But, as I must begin sumwheres, I hopes as I +shan't awake the biling jealousy of all the other mothers present +when I says as I gives the Parm Tree to the two rayther youthfool Beef +Eaters. As for the number of Angels and Fairys, with most lovly wings, +they was so numerus, and so bewtifool, that ewen I, a pore Hed Waiter, +coudn't help the thort, that they was a giving me my first glimpse +of Pairodice. Then again I noticed as the grashus and hansum LADY +MARESS--who I should ha liked to ha seen putting herself at the hed of +them all, and leading em all round the bewtifool All--had most kindly +inwited a few poor creetures, such as nusses, and charity Gals, and +plow boys, and setterer, just to let 'em see what they may sum day cum +to be, if so be as they is all good. + +There was a lot of Hartists a going about makin skitches of the werry +prettiest dresses insted of the werry prettiest faces, as I shood most +suttenly have done. One of 'em wanted for to take my picter, but as +I coudn't bleeve it was for my bewty, and was quite sure it wasn't +for my full heavening dress, and coud therefore ony be for fun, I +respekfully declined. + +It is roomered among us Hed Waiters, that the QUEEN's own Daughter, +which she's a Hempress, has told her son, which he's the HEMPEROR +of GERMANY, and is a comin here next July, that the werry loveliest +site as the Grand Old Copperashun can posserbly show him, will be a +reppytishun of the glorious seen as I seed with my own delited eyes on +Wensdy last. + +ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +"Oh Willow! Willow!" Mr. GRACE's memories of Forty years of Cricket +are full of interest, of enthusiasm, and of good stories. "My Early +Cricket Days" will hugely interest young would-be Willow-wielders. +"Cricketers I have Met" is excellent reading, the Champion being as +generous in appreciation as keen in judgment. On the science of the +game he, of course, speaks as one having authority. THACKERAY said he +never saw a boy without wishing to give him a sovereign. The "Co." for +some time to come will not look on an athletic lad without longing +to give him a copy of "Cricket; by W.G. GRACE." He hopes that lots of +other "dasters" will feel the same yearning, and act upon it. + +One of the "Co." reports that he has been reading a work on +_Decorative Electricity_, by Mrs. J.S.H. GORDON, and a very pretty +and original little book he found it, full of suggestions, ingenious, +fanciful, and practical, all at once--a rare combination. "Those +about to" instal--and most of us will find ourselves in that position, +sooner or later--will gain some invaluable hints and ideas from +this volume, which, in addition to its other merits, is charmingly +illustrated. Before very long we shall all be modern Aladdins, +and summon our Slave of the Lamp as a matter of course. But there +is plenty of scope for imagination in devising the form of his +appearance, notwithstanding, and Mrs. GORDON's book shows us how the +Genius may be compelled to present himself in a variety of pleasing +and fantastic shapes. + +The Baron is of opinion that _The Seal of Fate_, by Lady POLLOCK and +W.H. POLLOCK, is an interesting but somewhat discursive novel. Will it +be followed by _The Fate of the Seal_, a tale of the Fishery Question? + +BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & Co. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LORD RANDOLPH--PAST, PRESENT, AND TO COME-BACK.] + + * * * * * + +UPON AFRIC'S SHORE; + +OR, THE BATTLE OF THE HEROES. + +(_NOT BY THE AUTHOR OF "THE BATTLE OF LIMERICK_.") + + Ye lovers of the nation, + Who burn with indignation, + And England's obfuscation perpetually deplore; + Ye flouters of our factions, + And partisan distractions, + How like ye the transactions upon Afric's shore? + + Ye've all heard of the Lion + Who a rival cast his eye on, + (You'll find him in _Bombastes_) and thought the brute a bore. + Such rival Leos flourish, + And mutual hatred nourish, + With a snapping almost currish, upon Afric's shore. + + Faith their manes are _always_ waving, + And their claws for contest craving, + And their forms are always rampant, and they're ever at full roar, + And in book and morning paper, + They still clapperclaw and caper, + And they worry, snarl and vapour about Afric's shore. + + There was EMIN, sage pacific, + The serene and scientific, + Who a wondrous reputation in a hero-patriot bore, + Until "rescued" by brave STANLEY, + Who declared him weak, unmanly. + Oh! 'tis strange how heroes _can_ lie about Afric's shore. + + Then BARTTELOT and TROUP, + JEPHSON, JAMESON--a group + Who each of each "made soup"--off each other tried to score; + And in many a verjuiced "vollum" + STANLEY's jovial "Rear Column" + Was discussed in manner solemn, anent Afric's shore. + + Then the "foreign element" + To it tooth and nail _they_ went, + And the Battle of the Heroes it grew livelier than before. + Now that man, and now this man, + Now DE BRAZZA and now WISSMANN, + Made it hot for poor Old England upon Afric's shore. + + Now comes PETERS! He has slanged + STANLEY awfully, and banged + The "Rescue" party badly. It is getting a big bore, + When, with tempers hot as Indies, + Heroes smash each other's windies, + Pursuing of their shindies about Afric's shore. + + It is doubtless "moighty fine," + Being what _Titmarsh_ called "a line," + And it does Society's "sowl" good (no doubt) to hear him roar; + But 'tis folly to suppose + He _must_ rush upon his foes, + And hit them on the nose, upon Afric's shore. + + * * * * * + +EARLY CLOSING MOVEMENT.--When Mr. SMITH proposed shutting up shop +early on Tuesdays and Fridays, SIR ROBERT FOWLER was all for singing, +"We won't go home till morning (_three times_), Till daylight doth +appear." But, as _Falstaff_ asks, "What doth gravity out of bed after +midnight?" No, Sir ROBERT, doughty knight, take good advice, and +hie thee, armed _Night-cap-à-pie_, to thy couch. Don't get up till +morning, Till (long after) daylight doth appear! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IBSEN IN BRIXTON. + +_Mrs. Harris_. "YES, WILLIAM, I'VE THOUGHT A DEAL ABOUT IT, AND I FIND +I'M NOTHING BUT YOUR DOLL AND DICKEY-BIRD, AND SO I'M GOING!"] + + * * * * * + +THE PARTY PETER BELL. + + A potterer, Sir, he was by trade, + A Party Potterer, much respected, + And every year, when Spring appeared, + The yellow blooms, to bards endeared, + In swarms by PETER were collected. + + He roved among the vales and streams, + In the green wood and hollow dell, + And, upon April's nineteenth day, + Big buttonholers made display + Upon the heart of PETER BELL. + + In vain through each succeeding year + Did Nature mourn her lessening store. + A Primrose on the river's brim + A Party emblem was to him, + And it was nothing more! + + * * * * * + +DISINFECTING THE WIGS.--"_L'Enfant Prodigue_," which is filling +the Prince of Wales's Theatre day and night, has much in it that is +delightful. Perhaps there is nothing quite excels the subtle touch in +the programme where it is written: "The theatre is disinfected by the +Sanitas Company, Limited. _The Wigs by Clarkson_." + + * * * * * + +CURIOUS, AND "MORE ANON!"--The _Evelyn_ v. _Hurlbert_ trial was as +full of literary interest as a sale of old books and manuscripts. +Specially valuable were copies of _Evelyn's Diary_; while, in spite +of the pressing demand, _Murray's Memoirs_ were uncommonly scarce. +Victorious Mr. HURLBERT! Yet for all his triumph, he will be, for some +time, a "very much Murray'd man." + + * * * * * + +A SAVOY QUESTION.--The general idea of the forthcoming new Opera at +the Savoy appears to be "all Dance to SOLOMON's music." Is it to be +a pantomime-drama, like _L'Enfant Prodigue_, or simply a ballet? If +neither, where do song-words and dialogue come in? + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, April 20_.--The other week T.C. BARING +was sitting among us, one of the Members for the City of London. +Now BARING is no more, and to-night HUCKS GIBBS comes in to take his +place. VICARY G. brought his father down; watched him take oath and +has undertaken generally to see him through. In fact, when GIBBS +_père_ hesitated about taking the proffered seat for the City, VICARY +undertook to fill it; finally, GIBBS _père_ being warmly pressed, +consented to sit, and VICARY stood aside. But he will come in +by-and-by, when he has given his father a turn. + +[Illustration: Late Member for the City.] + +"Age before honesty, is my motto," said VICARY, when I complimented +him upon the fine feeling he has shown throughout these negotiations. +"I always think that we young fellows lose nothing by giving our +elders a start. My father, you know, sometime ago wanted to change the +name of our firm. Suggested it should be called SONS & ANTONY GIBBS. +There's something in it; but on the whole, better leave things as they +are. ANTONY GIBBS & SONS known all over the world; always embarrassing +to change style of an old firm; so, for the present, at least, we +leave things alone. Come along, _Pater_; think I'll take you home now. +Never rush wildly into new engagements; you've had the excitement of +being sworn in, and signing the roll of Parliament. You hadn't been +in the place ten minutes before TIM HEALY gave you a chance of voting +on a London City Bill, and that's enough for one night. By-and-by you +shall stay all night and enjoy yourself in Committee on Irish Land +Bill." + +So ANTONY GIBBS AND SON went off before dinner. Didn't miss much; +grinding away at Irish Land Bill; most soul-depressing experience of +modern life; no heart in it; no reality; SAGE of Queen Anne's Gate +brings up amendment after amendment, and makes successive speeches; +SEYMOUR KEAY does ditto; SHAW-LEFEVRE adds new terror to situation +by taking voluminous notes which promise illimitable succession of +orations; House empty; PRINCE ARTHUR has the full length of Treasury +Bench on which to lounge. Occasionally Division-bell rings; Members +troop in by the hundred; follow their leaders into Lobby right or +left, deciding question they haven't heard debated, and mere drift +of which two-thirds don't understand. + +BRER FOX absent to-night, which precludes possibility of flare-up +in Irish Camp. TIM faithful to his post, but lacks inspiration of +contiguity to BRER FOX. + +"PARNELL's played out," said TIM, referring in course of evening to +BRER FOX's reception in his latest run through Ireland. "He may ramp +and roar here, but his game's up in Ireland." + +"And is he resigned to the situation?" I asked. + +TIM looked at me, half winking his miraculously preserved right eye. + +"Did you ever hear, TOBY, what the weeping widow said to the parson, +who asked, 'Was your husband resigned to die?' 'He had ter be,' she +said, choking a sob." + +_Business done._--Very little in the Irish Land Bill. + +_Tuesday._--Mr. G.'s presence at Morning Sitting gave only possible +fillip to interminable Debate on Land Purchase Bill. BRER FOX still +away, so comparative peace reigns in Irish Camp. TIM HEALY no one to +butt his head against; COLONEL NOLAN too busy deploying his army of +five men; showing them how to retreat in good order when Division-bell +rings, and how, when it is decided to vote, they shall pass out +through one door, march in at the other, cross the floor, and look +as much as possible as if they were ten instead of five. T.W. +RUSSELL--"Roaring" RUSSELL, as his old colleague in Temperance fights, +WILFRID LAWSON, calls him--frequently on his legs. At sound of +his voice, Mr. G. gets his back up; interposes interjections and +corrections; and presently, when he can stand it no longer, plunges +into a speech. + +Another time SAUNDERSON draws him. "I am very sorry," said Mr. G., +who has been itching to speak for last half-hour, "that the hon. and +gallant Gentleman has dragged me into debate by gross misstatements." + +Being there, however, Mr. G. enjoys himself passably well, grinding +SAUNDERSON to powder, and hewing RUSSELL to pieces before the Lord +STRATHEDEN AND CAMPBELL, who are sleeping peacefully together in +the Gallery. "Like the Babes in the Wood," said PLUNKET, looking up +smilingly at the face in the Gallery, which looks twice as wise when +asleep as the ordinary man does in full possession of his senses. + +[Illustration: "Roaring" Russell.] + +"I know," Mr. G. continued, in measured accents of polite scorn, "that +the eloquence of the hon. and gallant Gentleman (meaning SAUNDERSON) +is as ungovernable as I am afraid it is sometimes unprofitable. In the +exercise of the understanding which the Almighty has given him, he has +represented me as being a supporter of this Bill." + +Words cannot convey adequate impression of the subtlety of emotion +conveyed by this unwonted, perhaps unprecedented, invocation. An +unmistakeable, though unspoken, indication of mingled feeling--pity +for one so meagrely endowed, and marvel that, out of boundless stores, +the Deity could, even in this instance, have been so chary of gifts. + +_Business done._--Still less in Committee on Irish Land Bill. + +_Thursday._--Rival shows in both Houses to-night. Lords running the +Newfoundland Delegates at the Bar; in the Commons Budget on. On the +whole, Commons drew the fullest House, to which JOKIM descanted for +nearly three hours. If he'd taken two, the speech would have been a +third less long, and three times as successful. Still the Budget comes +but once a year, and CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER feels bound to make +the most of opportunity. Pretty plain sailing for first two hours. +Then JOKIM ran aground. It was General STAMPS that did it all. +Appeared unexpectedly in long list of details setting forth Estimates +for Revenue in coming year. Nobody ever heard before of the General; +thought, at least, he must belong to the Army Estimates. But JOKIM +would have him in, spurs and epaulettes, and all. + +"General STAMPS," he said, regardless of grammar, "have fallen off." +JOKIM, in his loose way, omitted to say off what; presumed to be +his horse. House not sorry to hear it; had enough of the mysterious +warrior. But he was up again a few minutes' later. "General STAMPS," +JOKIM continued, in his airy fashion, "apart from the Death Duties, I +reduce from £6,700,000 to £5,900,000." + +"Better reduce him to the ranks at once," said Admiral FIELD, who is a +terrible martinet. + +But JOKIM took no notice of the suggestion; floundered along, bungling +terribly. Committee tried to help him out; that didn't help matters +much. To have a Member in one part of the House filling up an awkward +pause by suggesting "dried fruit," another "coffee," a third "rum," +and a fourth "probate duty," when after all, JOKIM was thinking of +the Income Tax or General STAMPS, evidently not designed to advance +matters. + +"The Committee knows what I mean," JOKIM said, piteously, looking +round out of a morass a little deeper than he'd been in lately. But +that is exactly what the Committee didn't do. + +"Then," said JOKIM, "you'll understand the figures when you read them +in the papers to-morrow." Something in that; House mollified; still +can't help thinking that if it is to wait till next morning to read +report of Chancellor's Budget Speech in order to understand his +statements, some preliminary time might be saved in the evening. + +_Business done._--Budget brought in. + +_Friday Night._--Missed OLD MORALITY from Treasury Bench; looked in +his room; found him in arm-chair, collapsed, by fire-place, with copy +of _Morning Advertiser_ in his hand. + +"What's the matter?" I asked. "Surely you've not been reading JOKIM's +Budget Speech right through!" He certainly looked as if he had. + +"No, TOBY," he said; "it's not that; it's the Leader. Haven't you seen +what the _Morning Advertiser_ says about me? 'For the first time in +our recollection he (that's me) bears on his political escutcheon a +deep smudge of dishonour': and that's all because JOKIM wouldn't take +a penny off a barrel of beer, and twopence off a gallon of spirits. +It's the injustice I feel most acutely. It doesn't seem fair that Mr. +BUNG should try to intimidate JOKIM by abusing me." + +"It _is_ hard," I said; "but it's no use sitting moping here. Come +along into House; they're in Committee on the Land Bill; an hour or +two of that'll freshen you up." And it did. + +_Business done._--In Committee on the Irish Land Bill. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +100, May 2, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14141-8.txt or 14141-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/1/4/14141/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 100, May 2, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 24, 2004 [EBook #14141] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 100.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>May 2, 1891.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page205" + id="page205"></a>[pg 205]</span> + + <h2>SONGS OF THE UN-SENTIMENTALIST.</h2> + + <h3>A DUSTMAN'S SILENT TEAR.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I know not how that Dustman stirred my ire:</p> + + <p class="i2">He may have failed to call when due: but + he—</p> + + <p>My breast being charged with economic + fire,—</p> + + <p class="i2">Was mulcted of his customary fee.</p> + + <p>I was informed, at first he did not seem</p> + + <p class="i2">To grasp the cruel sense of what he + heard,</p> + + <p>But asked, "Wot's this 'ere game?" as if some + dream</p> + + <p class="i2">Of evil portents all his pulses + stirred;</p> + + <p>Then, muttering, he turned, and went his way</p> + + <p class="i2">Dejected, broken! I had stopped his + beer!</p> + + <p>Ah! from that Dustman who, alas! can say</p> + + <p class="i2">I did not wring a sad and silent + tear!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I thought the matter o'er. I vowed no more,</p> + + <p class="i2">That I with grief would moisten any + eye;</p> + + <p>Henceforth, whene'er that Dustman passed my + door,</p> + + <p class="i2">Upon his beer he knew he could rely!</p> + + <p>Nay more! For never heeding if my bin</p> + + <p class="i2">Were full or empty, I that Dustman + hailed;</p> + + <p>His grateful smile my one desire to win;</p> + + <p class="i2">I felt I could not help it if I + failed.</p> + + <p>Twice every week he came,—his twopence + drew:</p> + + <p class="i2">That Dustman seemed to brighten with his + beer.</p> + + <p>And, if he wept, thank Heaven, at least I knew</p> + + <p class="i2">With joy, not grief, <i>he shed his + silent tear!</i></p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY.</h2> + + <h4>[CONTINUED.]</h4> + + <p><i>Thursday, April 16</i>.—On looking through my book + I find that I am now a member of ten Billsbury Cricket Clubs, + to most of which I am a Vice-President. Not bad, considering + that my average in my last year at school was four, and that I + didn't play more than half-a-dozen times at Oxford. TOLLAND + says there are many more Foot-ball Clubs than Cricket + Clubs—a pleasant prospect for me in the Autumn. Have also + had to subscribe to six Missions of various kinds, four Easter + Monday <i>Fêtes</i>, six Friendly Societies, three Literary and + Scientific Institutes, five Temperance Associations, four Quoit + Clubs, two Swimming Clubs, seven Sunday Schools, five Church or + Chapel Building Funds, three Ornithological Societies, two + Christian Young Men's Associations, three Children's Free + Dinner Funds, one Angling Association, not to speak of Fire + Brigade, Dispensaries, and Brass Bands. Have also given a Prize + to be shot for by Volunteers, as CHUBSON gives one every year. + What with £80 subscription to the Registration Fund, things are + beginning to mount up pretty considerably.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:22%;"> + <a href="images/205-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/205-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>Have spoken at three meetings since the Mass Meeting. + TOLLAND said, "You needn't refer to Sir THOMAS CHUBSON + yourself. Leave our people to do that. They enjoy that kind of + thing, and know how to do it." They do, indeed. At our last + meeting, HOLLEBONE, the Secretary of the Junior Conservative + Club, went on at him for twenty minutes in proposing resolution + of confidence in me. "Sir THOMAS," he said, "talks of his + pledges. The less Sir THOMAS says about them the better. I + can't walk out anywhere in Billsbury for two minutes without + tripping over the broken fragments of some of Sir THOMAS's + pledges. It's getting quite dangerous. Sir THOMAS, they say, + made himself. It's a pity he couldn't put in a little + consistency when he was engaged on the job. We don't want any + purse-proud Radical knights to represent us. We want a + straightforward man, who says what he means; and you'll agree + with me, fellow-townsmen, that we've got one in our eloquent + and popular young Candidate."</p> + + <p>This went down very well. Next day, however, the + <i>Meteor</i> "parallel-columned" Sir THOMAS CHUBSON's career + and mine. Mine occupied six lines; Sir THOMAS's "Life of + honourable and self-sacrificing industry" ran to nearly a + column. "It will be observed," said the <i>Meteor</i>, "that + there is a good deal of blank space in Mr. PATTLE's comparative + career; but this no doubt recommends him to his Conservative + friends, who are quite equal to filling it brilliantly with + their imaginative rhetoric about his chances of success."</p> + + <p>Primrose Day, the day after to-morrow. We're going to have a + great demonstration at Billsbury. Mother is going down with me + to-morrow.</p> + + <p><i>April 20th, "George Hotel," Billsbury</i>.—The + Demonstration yesterday was a splendid success. At ten o'clock + in the morning the Conservative Band marched up to the Hotel + and played patriotic airs under the window. Mother and I drove + to the Beaconsfield Club in an open carriage and pair, escorted + by the band. Mother's bonnet was all primroses, and she carried + an immense bouquet of them. <i>Carlo</i> came with us and sat + on the back-seat. His collar was stuck full of primroses, and + small bunches were tied on to the tufts on his back and at the + end of his tail. I wore a buttonhole of primroses, and carried + a huge primrose wreath to be placed round the bust of LORD + BEACONSFIELD, which stands in the hall of the Club. The + coachman and horses too were all tricked out with bunches. + TOLLAND and CHORKLE, and all the leaders of the Party, met us + at the entrance of the Club, and the ceremony of depositing the + flowers all round the bust began. CHORKLE, who once shook hands + with DIZZY in the lobby of the House, made a great speech, + mostly composed of personal reminiscences of our great departed + leader. (By the way CHORKLE has six children, five of them + being sons, whose names are BENJAMIN DISRAELI CHORKLE, CECIL + SALISBURY CHORKLE, STRAFFORD THOROUGH CHORKLE, HOBBES LEVIATHAN + CHORKLE, and RANDOLPH CHURCHILL CHORKLE.) The sixth, eighteen + months old, is a girl. Her name is WILLIAMINA HENRIETTA SMITH + CHORKLE. They were all present, covered with primroses. I added + a few words about the inspiring effect that the contemplation + of LORD BEACONSFIELD's career must have upon the youth of the + country. Mother's bouquet kept falling off the place she had + put it on, and two or three enthusiasts always dashed forward + to pick it up, causing a good many collisions. In the middle of + my speech, <i>Carlo</i> walked into the centre of the hall, sat + down and proceeded to gnaw off the primroses which had been + tied to his tail. He then ate them all solemnly, and after that + rolled over on his back with his paws stuck straight out, + pretending he was dead. I must tell Mother not to bring that + dog again. There was a great banquet in the evening. VULLIAMY + came down for it and spoke very kindly about me in his speech. + Said he had followed my career with profound interest and + pleasure from my earliest years. I've only known him a + year.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>NOTHING LIKE DISCIPLINE!</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Extract from the Diary of</i> PRIVATE ATKINS, + <i>Prince's Company, 4th Battalion, H.M.'s Guzzlebeer + Guards.</i>)</h4> + + <p><i>Monday</i>.—Joined the Regiment. Appeared on + Parade, and was requested to come to "attention," although the + Sergeant <i>must</i> have seen that I was "standing at ease." + Expressed a desire that the Commanding-officer should rectify + the mistake, when all ended amicably. Sergeant apologised, and + promised that it should not occur again. Satisfied. Both + Sergeant and Commanding-officer well up in their duties!</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:17%;"> + <a href="images/205-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/205-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p><i>Tuesday</i>.—Bugle sounded too early for Assembly. + Sent a message to the Adjutant by his orderly (with my + compliments) saying that I would feel much obliged if the + Parade were postponed an hour. Adjutant returned <i>his</i> + compliments, with a request that I would give in writing my + reason for desiring a delay. Explained (by word of mouth) that + I wanted to read the newspapers. Parade consequently postponed + as requested. Obliging chap the Adjutant!</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday</i>.—Warned for Guard. Sent for the Major + of my half-battalion (don't like bothering the + Commanding-officer about every trifle), and explained that, + although the Surgeon had seen me, and reported me fit, I had a + presentiment that the easterly winds would play the very + mischief with me if I went "Sentry Go." Major thought, perhaps + it would be better if I were struck off duty. Excused Guard in + consequence. Good sort Major of my half-battalion!</p> + + <p><i>Thursday</i>.—Sorry to find rations very + unsatisfactory. Complained to the Officer of the day, who + reported the matter to the Captain. Captain said he would have + asked the entire company to dine with him at his Club had he + not been engaged. He then passed us on to his Subs. The latter + most obligingly gave us some food at a Restaurant. + <i>Châteaubriand</i> excellent, <i>Sole à la Normande</i> + decent, but <i>Potage à la bisque</i> too rich. Mistake to + order the latter, as one can never get it <i>really</i> good, + except on the Continent. Wine tol-lol. Pol Royer of '84. + However, spent a very pleasant evening. Both Subs, when you + know them, not half bad fellows!</p> + + <p><i>Friday</i>.—Rather a head, and felt generally out + of sorts. Warned for Kit-inspection. Couldn't stand this, so + called upon General Commanding District. Not at home, but was + asked would I see his <i>locum tenens</i>? Replied in the + negative, as I don't believe in go-betweens. Didn't return to + barracks, as I thought I might get a breath of sea-air at + Southend.</p> + + <p><i>Saturday</i>.—Arrested and conveyed to the + Guard-room. Suppose I shall be released with a caution. At any + rate, for the present, diary confiscated.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page206" + id="page206"></a>[pg 206]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/206.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/206.png" + alt="THE GARDEN OF SLEEP." /></a> + + <h3>THE GARDEN OF SLEEP;</h3> + + <h4>OR, "PUT THAT IN YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT!"</h4><i>Miss + India</i>. "EVICT ME? WITH PLEASURE, SAHIB. BUT HOW ABOUT + 'COMPENSATION FOR DISTURBANCE?'" + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In the heart of fair Ind, which JOHN BULL hopes + to keep,</p> + + <p>Trade planted a Garden—a Garden of + Sleep;</p> + + <p>'Neath the hot Eastern sky—in the place of + good corn—</p> + + <p>It is there that the baneful white Poppy is + born,—</p> + + <p>Chinese Johnny's desire, lending dreams of + delight,</p> + + <p>Which are his when the poppy-juice cometh in + sight.</p> + + <p>Oh! the Mart hath no heart, and Trade laugheth + to scorn</p> + + <p>The plea of friend PEASE, where the Poppies are + born.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In this Garden of Sleep, where white Poppies are + spread,</p> + + <p>Fair INDIA plucketh the opiate head.</p> + + <p>JOHN BULL says. "My dear, PEASE's tales make me + creep.</p> + + <p>He swears it, fills graves with 'pigtails,' who + seek sleep!"</p> + + <p>Fair INDIA replies, "That may possibly be;</p> + + <p>But they Revenue bring, some Six Millions, you + see!</p> + + <p>Turn me out if you will, smash the Trade if you + must;</p> + + <p>But—you'll make up the money somehow, Sir, + I trust!"</p> + </div> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page207" + id="page207"></a>[pg 207]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/207.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/207.png" + alt="WANTED--A LOCAL HABITATION." /></a> + + <h3>WANTED—A LOCAL HABITATION.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>Commended by Mr. Punch to the Patrons of British + Art.</i>)</h4> + + <p><i>English Art</i> (<i>to Sir James L-nt-n, Messrs. T-te + and Agn-w</i>), "NOW, GENTLEMEN, THE GOVERNMENT HAS GIVEN + THE SITE FOR MY HOUSE,—IT ONLY REMAINS FOR YOU TO + BUILD IT."</p> + + <p>[The CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER announced that the + Government had assigned a site for the new Gallery of + Modern Art, as he thought it would be unwise to risk the + failure of the gift of £80,000 which had been offered to + erect a building.]</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>SOMEBODY'S LUGGAGE.</h2> + + <p>In view of the intense public excitement aroused by the + statement that Lord RANDOLPH CHURCHILL, in his expedition to + Mashonaland, is only going to take two books with + him—SHAKSPEARE and MOLIÈRE—an Inquiring + Correspondent has recently written to several eminent persons + on this subject, and has received—so he says—the + following replies:—</p> + + <p>SIR,—You ask me what books I should take if I were + contemplating a visit to the Dark Continent, like Lord RANDOLPH + CHURCHILL. The question, in the abstract, and without reference + to my own personality, is an interesting one, and no doubt + human fallibility would, in the case you suppose, induce me to + take several volumes of my own <i>Gleanings</i> with + me,—not so much for their intrinsic merits, as because + perhaps they might form a new kind of literature for native + African potentates. HOMER, too, <i>of course</i>. At my time of + life, however, I must be excused from grappling with any new + Continents, dark or otherwise. I find that Ireland is quite + dark enough for me just now. Excuse a card. Yours, W.E. + GL-DST-NE.</p> + + <p>SIR,—As I am not "contemplating an expedition to the + Dark Continent," and have no sympathy with Hottentots, there + seems to be no sufficient reason for my answering your + questions, or for your asking them. S-L-SB-RY.</p> + + <p>SIR,—Your question is ridiculous. The only books worth + taking to Africa, or anywhere else, would be a bound copy of + last year's <i>Review of Reviews</i>, GENERAL BOOTH's + epoch-making volume, and—this is indispensable—SIR + C. D-LKE's invaluable <i>Problems of Greater Britain.</i> When + I went to Rome, I naturally took with me the "hundred best + books in the world." They were a little heavy, but I thought + the POPE would like to see them. However, circumstances + prevented my presenting them to His Holiness. Yours, W.T. + ST-D.</p> + + <p>SIR,—I don't know much about books. I've just written + rather a good one on <i>Cricket</i>, and I think if I were + going to Africa I should take a supply. From all I've heard of + TIPPOO TIB, I should think he would enjoy the game; at any rate + TIPPOO ought to be able to master tip and run without much + difficulty. W.G. GR-CE.</p> + + <p>SIR,—Having consulted my relatives—also CAPTAIN + M-L-SW-RTH—as to whether there would be any impropriety + in giving a reply to your questions, I am happy to say that + they seem to think there would be none, but that on the + contrary it might even assist the takings at the Aquarium. I + may therefore mention that if I were proceeding to Central + Africa there is <i>only one book</i> I should dream of taking + with me. That would be a copy of the Proceedings of the London + County Council, since the joyful date of its advent on this + planet. Yours obediently, Z-o.</p> + + <p>SIR,—The one book I should take with me to Africa + would be DR. PETERS' recent valuable work—<i>More Light + on Dark Africa</i>. I should give it to the Dwarfs. It would + make capital poisoned arrows. H.M. ST-NL-Y.</p> + + <p>SIR,—The only book worth thinking about for such an + expedition as you mention would be STANLEY's <i>In Darkest + Africa</i>. Its Maps would be invaluable,—as presents for + a rival explorer, whom one might desire to mislead as to his + route. CARL P-T-RS.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>Mr. Herkomer and Mr. Pennell.</h3> + + <p>PROFESSOR HERKOMER defends the use of Photography for the + engraver's purposes, and clearly thinks that what TENNYSON + ought to have written, in <i>Locksley Hall</i>, was—</p> + + <p>"And the thoughts of men are widened by a Process of the + Sun's."</p> + + <p>He also comforts himself with the reflection that being + called over the coals in the <i>National Observer</i>, is one + of the PENNELL-ties of success.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page208" + id="page208"></a>[pg 208]</span> + + <h2>MR. PUNCH'S POCKET IBSEN.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Condensed and Revised Version by Mr. P.'s Own Harmless + Ibsenite</i>.)</h4> + + <h3>No. III.—HEDDA GABLER.</h3> + + <h4>ACT II.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>The cheerful dark Drawing-room. It is + afternoon</i>. HEDDA <i>stands loading a revolver in the + back Drawing-room.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Hedda</i> (<i>looking out, and shouting</i>). How do you + do, Judge? (<i>Aims at him.</i>) Mind yourself! [<i>She + fires.</i></p> + + <p><i>Brack</i> (<i>entering</i>). What the devil! Do you + usually take pot-shots at casual visitors? [<i>Annoyed.</i></p> + + <p><i>Hedda</i>. Invariably, when they come by the back-garden. + It is my unconventional way of intimating that I am at home. + One does do these things in realistic dramas, you know. And I + was only aiming at the blue sky.</p> + + <p><i>Brack</i>. Which accounts for the condition of my hat. + (<i>Exhibiting it.</i>) Look here—<i>riddled</i>!</p> + + <p><i>Hedda</i>. Couldn't help myself. I am so horribly bored + with TESMAN. Everlastingly to be with a professional + person!</p> + + <p><i>Brack</i> (<i>sympathetically</i>). Our excellent TESMAN + is certainly a bit of a bore. (<i>Looks searchingly at + her</i>.) What on earth made you marry him?</p> + + <p><i>Hedda</i>. Tired of dancing, my dear, that's all. And + then I used TESMAN to take me home from parties; and we saw + this villa; and I said I liked it, and so did he; and so we + found some common ground, and here we are, do you see! And I + loathe TESMAN, and I don't even like the villa now; and I do + feel the want of an entertaining companion so!</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:15%;"> + <a href="images/208.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/208.png" + alt="'I am a Norwegian literary man, and peculiar.'" /> + </a>"I am a Norwegian literary man, and peculiar." + </div> + + <p><i>Brack</i>. Try me. Just the kind of three-cornered + arrangement that I like. Let me be the third person in the + compartment—(<i>confidentially</i>)—the tried + friend, and, generally speaking, cock of the walk!</p> + + <p><i>Hedda</i> (<i>audibly drawing in her breath</i>). I + cannot resist your polished way of putting things. We will + conclude a triple alliance. But hush!—here comes + TESMAN.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Enter</i> GEORGE, <i>with a number of books under + his arm.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>George</i>. Puff! I <i>am</i> hot, HEDDA. I've been + looking into LÖVBORG's new book. Wonderfully + thoughtful—confound him! But I must go and dress for your + party, Judge. [<i>He goes out.</i></p> + + <p><i>Hedda</i>. I wish I could get TESMAN to take to politics, + Judge. Couldn't he be a Cabinet Minister, or something?</p> + + <p><i>Brack</i>. H'm!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>A short pause; both look at one another, without + speaking. Enter</i> GEORGE, <i>in evening dress, with + gloves.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>George</i>. It is afternoon, and your party is at + half-past seven—but I like to dress early. Fancy that! + And I am expecting LÖVBORG.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[EJLERT LÖVBORG <i>comes in from the hall; he is worn + and pale, with red patches on his cheek-bones, and wears an + elegant perfectly new visiting-suit, and black + gloves.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>George</i>. Welcome! (<i>Introduces him to</i> BRACK.) + Listen—I have got your new book, but I haven't read it + through yet.</p> + + <p><i>Lövborg</i>. You needn't—it's rubbish. (<i>Takes a + packet of MSS. out.</i>) This <i>isn't</i>. It's in three + parts; the first about the civilising forces of the future, the + second about the future of the civilising forces, and the third + about the forces of the future civilisation. I thought I'd read + you a little of it this evening?</p> + + <p><i>Brack and George</i> (<i>hastily</i>). Awfully nice of + you—but there's a little party this evening—so + sorry we can't stop! Won't you come too?</p> + + <p><i>Hedda</i>. No, he must stop and read it to me and Mrs. + ELVSTED instead.</p> + + <p><i>George</i>. It would never have occurred to me to think + of such clever things! Are you going to oppose me for the + Professorship, eh?</p> + + <p><i>Lövborg</i> (<i>modestly</i>). No; I shall only triumph + over you in the popular judgment—that's all!</p> + + <p><i>George</i>. Oh, is that all? Fancy! Let us go into the + back drawing-room and drink cold punch.</p> + + <p><i>Lövborg</i>. Thanks—but I am a reformed character, + and have renounced cold punch—it is poison.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[GEORGE <i>and</i> BRACK <i>go into the back-room and + drink punch, whilst</i> HEDDA <i>shows</i> LÖVBORG <i>a + photograph album in the front.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Lövborg</i> (<i>slowly, in a low tone</i>). HEDDA GABLER! + how <i>could</i> you throw yourself away like this!—Oh, + is <i>that</i> the ORTLER Group? Beautiful!—Have you + forgotten how we used to sit on the settee together behind an + illustrated paper, and—yes, very picturesque + peaks—I told you all about how I had been on the + loose?</p> + + <p><i>Hedda</i>. Now, none of that, here! These are the + Dolomites.—Yes, I remember; it was a beautiful + fascinating Norwegian intimacy—but it's over now. See, we + spent a night in that little mountain village, TESMAN and + I!</p> + + <p><i>Lövborg</i>. Did you, indeed? Do you remember that + delicious moment when you threatened to shoot me + down—(<i>tenderly</i>)—I do!</p> + + <p><i>Hedda</i> (<i>carelessly</i>). Did I? I have done that to + so many people. But now all that is past, and you have found + the loveliest consolation in dear, good, little Mrs. + ELVSTED—ah, here she is! (<i>Enter</i> Mrs. ELVSTED.) + Now, THEA, sit down and drink up a good glass of cold punch. + Mr. LÖVBORG is going to have some. If you don't, Mr. LÖVBORG, + GEORGE and the Judge will think you are afraid of taking too + much if you once begin.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. E.</i> Oh, please, HEDDA! When I've inspired Mr. + LÖVBORG so—good gracious! <i>don't</i> make him drink + cold punch!</p> + + <p><i>Hedda</i>. You see, Mr. LÖVBORG, our dear little friend + can't <i>trust</i> you!</p> + + <p><i>Lövborg</i>. So <i>that</i> is my comrade's faith in me! + (<i>Gloomily.</i>) <i>I</i>'ll show her if I am to be trusted + or not. (<i>He drinks a glass of punch</i>.) Now I'll go to the + Judge's party. I'll have another glass first. Your health, + THEA! So you came up to spy on me, eh? I'll drink the Sheriff's + health—<i>everybody's</i> health!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He tries to get more punch.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Hedda</i> (<i>stopping him</i>). No more now. You are + going to a party, remember. [GEORGE <i>and</i> TESMAN <i>come + in from back-room.</i></p> + + <p><i>Lövborg.</i> Don't be angry, THEA. I was fallen for a + moment. Now I'm up again! (Mrs. E. <i>beams with delight</i>). + Judge, I'll come to your party, as you <i>are</i> so pressing, + and I'll read GEORGE my manuscript all the evening. I'll do all + in <i>my</i> power to make that party go!</p> + + <p><i>George</i>. No? fancy! that <i>will</i> be amusing!</p> + + <p><i>Hedda</i>. There, go away, you wild rollicking creatures! + But Mr. LÖVBORG must be back at ten, to take dear THEA + home!</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. E.</i> Oh, goodness, yes! (<i>In concealed + agony.</i>) Mr. LÖVBORG, I shan't go away till you do!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>The three men go out laughing merrily; the Act-drop + is lowered for a minute; when it is raised, it is</i> 7 + A.M., <i>and</i> Mrs. ELVSTED <i>and</i> HEDDA <i>are + discovered sitting up, with rugs around them.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Mrs. E.</i> (<i>wearily</i>). Seven in the morning, and + Mr. LÖVBORG not here to take me home <i>yet</i>! what + <i>can</i> he be doing?</p> + + <p><i>Hedda</i> (<i>yawning</i>). Reading to TESMAN, with + vine-leaves in his hair, I suppose. Perhaps he has got to the + third part.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. E.</i> Oh, do you <i>really</i> think so, HEDDA? Oh, + if I could but hope he was doing that!</p> + + <p><i>Hedda</i>. You silly little ninny! I should like to + scorch your hair off. Go to bed! [Mrs. E. <i>goes. Enter</i> + GEORGE.</p> + + <p><i>George</i>. I'm a little late, eh? But we made + <i>such</i> a night of it. Fancy! It was most amusing. EJLERT + read his book to me—think of that! Astonishing book! Oh, + we really had great fun! I wish <i>I'd</i> written it. Pity + he's so irreclaimable.</p> + + <p><i>Hedda</i>. I suppose you mean he has more of the courage + of life than most people?</p> + + <p><i>George</i>. Good Lord! He had the courage to get more + drunk than most people. But, altogether, it was what you might + almost call a Bacchanalian orgy. We finished up by going to + have early coffee with some of these jolly chaps, and poor old + LÖVBORG dropped his precious manuscript in the mud, and I + picked it up—and here it is! Fancy if anything were to + happen to it! He never could write it again. <i>Wouldn't</i> it + be sad, eh? Don't tell anyone about it.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He leaves the packet of MSS. on a chair, and rushes + out;</i> HEDDA <i>hides the packet as</i> BRACK + <i>enters.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Brack</i>. <i>Another</i> early call, you see! My party + was such a singularly animated <i>soirée</i> that I haven't + undressed all night. Oh, it was the liveliest affair + conceivable! And, like a true Norwegian host, I tracked LÖVBORG + home; and it is only my duty, as a friend of the house, and + cock of the walk, to take the first opportunity of telling you + that he finished up the evening by coming to mere loggerheads + with a red-haired opera-singer, and being taken off to the + police-station! You mustn't have him here any more. Remember + our little triple alliance!</p> + + <p><i>Hedda</i> (<i>her smile fading away</i>). You are + certainly a dangerous person—but you must not get a hold + over me!</p> + + <p><i>Brack</i> (<i>ambiguously</i>). What an idea! But I + might—I am an insinuating dog. Good morning! [<i>Goes + out.</i></p> + + <p><i>Lövborg</i> (<i>bursting in, confused and excited</i>). I + suppose you've heard where <i>I've</i> been?</p> + + <p><i>Hedda</i> (<i>evasively</i>). I heard you had a very + jolly party at Judge BRACK's. [Mrs. ELVSTED <i>comes + in.</i></p> + + <p><i>Lövborg</i>. It's all over. I don't mean to do any more + work. I've no use for a companion now, THEA. Go home to your + Sheriff!</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. E.</i> (<i>agitated</i>). Never! I want to be with + you when your book comes out!</p> + + <p><i>Lövborg</i>. It won't <i>come</i> out—I've torn it + up! (<i>Mrs. E. rushes out, wringing her hands</i>.) Mrs. + TESMAN, I told her a lie—but no + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page209" + id="page209"></a>[pg 209]</span> matter. I haven't torn my + book up—I've done worse! I've taken it about to + several parties, and it's been through a police-row with + me—now I've lost it. Even if I found it again, it + wouldn't be the same—not to me! I am a Norwegian + literary man, and peculiar. So I must make an end of it + altogether!</p> + + <p><i>Hedda</i>. Quite so—but look here, you must do it + beautifully. I don't insist on your putting vine-leaves in your + hair—but do it beautifully. (<i>Fetches pistol.</i>) See, + here is one of General GABLER's pistols—do it with + <i>that</i>!</p> + + <p><i>Lövborg.</i> Thanks!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He takes the pistol, and goes out through the + hall-door; as soon as he has gone</i>, HEDDA <i>brings out + the manuscript, and puts it on the fire, whispering to + herself, as Curtain falls.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h2>CAN A MAN IMPRISON HIS WIFE?</h2> + + <h4>(<i>An Autobiographical Consideration of the Question, by + an Eminent Legal Authority.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/209-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/209-1.png" + alt="Summing Up." /></a>Summing Up. + </div> + + <p>It may be remembered that (I trust) in deserved + acknowledgment of my professional pre-eminence, I received, + some little while ago, the appointment of a + Deputy-Assistant-Revising-Barristership. In performing the + duties of this important office, I sometimes have to incur + bodily risk—the more especially when I have to + distinguish between the rival claims of the political parties + that I am sorry to say have made Lambville-cum-Minton the + antithesis of heaven upon earth. On the occasion to which I + particularly wish to refer, I was accompanied by my Wife, to my + secret annoyance, as I am afraid the Lady who does me the + honour to share my name is unduly apprehensive of my safety, + and, besides this general plea, I had yet another special + reason for desiring her absence. To tell the truth, I had been + greatly moved by a decision given in the Court of Appeal, + whereby it seemed to me (and no doubt to many of my learned + friends) the custody of a wife by her husband had become an + empty phrase, signifying nothing. I felt that if, by any means, + I could get this judgment set aside, I would not only confer + upon myself, as a married man, a signal benefit, but, moreover, + as a Counsel, obtain increased professional distinction. + However, I was embarrassed by the presence of my Wife, when I + came to consider the best mode in which marital authority might + be assumed to raise the question of the right of <i>habeas + corpus</i>. I had returned to my room before the opening of the + Registration Court at Lambville-cum-Minton, in rather a + disturbed frame of mind. Truth to tell, my Wife, having learned + that political feeling was rising so high in the town that it + was possible that the Deputy-Assistant-Revising-Barrister might + be assaulted by either or both of the rival factions, had done + her best to dissuade me from taking my customary seat.</p> + + <p>"What shall I do, to say nothing of the darling children, if + you are brought home on a hurdle?" she sobbed out.</p> + + <p>I assured her that there was a very remote risk of my + succumbing to such a fate, as the conveyance home on a hurdle + raised the presumption that the victim had been hunting, a + sport in which I seldom, I may say, never indulged. But this + explanation did not reassure her, and she left me in tears. Her + emotion caused me much pain, the more especially as my proposed + task seemed to me, under the circumstances, a species of + domestic treason. However, I hardened my heart, and sat down to + consider the facts of the case. To allow the right of seizure + to be argued, it would be necessary to take my Wife out of the + custody of someone other than myself. Her mother, a most + estimable old lady, with whom I have had many a pleasant and + exciting game of backgammon, seemed a right and proper person + to assist me in carrying out my project. But the objection + immediately occurred to me that it would be an exceedingly + difficult matter to induce her to hold my Wife from me unless I + desired her to take such a course. But if I made this request, + would not the proceeding savour of collusion? To meet this + obstacle I came to the conclusion that I might get my Wife to + pay a visit to her mother, and then, appropriately disguised, + seize and carry her off. By locking her in the conveyance and + riding on the box, I could preserve my incognito until reaching + home, and then I might confine her in her own room with assumed + harshness, and possibly (of this I had some doubt) get her to + complain of her imprisonment. By keeping my Wife's domicile a + close secret, her mother would be induced to visit me to ask my + professional assistance in recovering her daughter. Thus + approached it would be possible to so advise the old lady that + in the result she would demand my Wife's presence in Court + under a writ of <i>habeas corpus</i>. Then would come my + opportunity. Of course I would produce my Wife, and having + carefully prepared my arguments, would deliver an oration that + would fill columns of the newspapers, and hand down my name to + generations to come as <i>the</i> authority on marital rights. + I saw in the near future wealth and restored domestic + happiness. But the first thing to do was to lock up my Wife. + And at this point it occurred to me that it was time for me to + walk over to the Revision Court. I hastily gathered certain + necessary articles into my brief-bag, and putting on my hat, + grasped the handle of the door. To my surprise I found that I + could obtain no egress. I rang the bell—and instead of a + servant my Wife answered the summons. "The door is locked, + dear," I observed, "and as the key seems to be on the other + side, will you kindly open it, as I am in a hurry to be + off."</p> + + <p>"You will stay where you are," was the reply. "You are not + going to get killed by attending a nonsensical Revision + Court."</p> + + <p>"But I must go," I explained; and then assuming a tone of + authority I rarely adopt, I added, "and you will be good enough + to open the door at once."</p> + + <p>"I shall do nothing of the sort," replied my Wife, calmly. + "I locked you in, and I shan't let you out."</p> + + <p>"What, Madam," I exclaimed; "do you defy my authority?"</p> + + <p>"Certainly!" was the immediate response, "You may say or + think what you like, but you don't leave this house to-day as + sure as I am your lawfully wedded Wife."</p> + + <p>And as a matter of fact I didn't!</p> + + <p class="author">(<i>Signed.</i>) A. BRIEFLESS, JUNIOR.</p> + + <p><i>Pump-handle Court.</i></p> + <hr /> + + <h2>OPERATIC NOTES.</h2> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:23%;"> + <a href="images/209-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/209-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p><i>Monday</i>.—To see MADAME ALBANI as <i>Violetta</i> + the consumptive heroine of "<i>La Traviata</i>." Charmingly + sung and admirably, nay, most touchingly, acted. MAUREL + excellent as <i>Germont Senior</i>, and MONTARIOL quite the + weak-minded masher <i>Alfredo</i>. What a different turn the + story might have taken had it occurred to <i>Violetta</i> to + have a flirtation with the handsome middle-aged <i>père + noble</i>! At one time it almost seemed as if there had been + some change in motive of the Opera since I last saw it, and + that the above original idea was about to be carried out. But + no; in another second <i>Germont-Maurel</i> as "Old Maurelity" + (by kind permission of TOBY, M.P.) had pulled himself together, + and <i>Albani-Violetta</i> was in the depths of remorseful + sorrow. In that gay and festive supper scene, where a + physician, unostentatiously styled <i>Il Dottore</i> (he would + probably be <i>Ill</i> Dottore the morning after) is present to + look after the health of the guests, and perhaps to "propose" + it, I noticed with pleasure that, on the tables, DRURIOLANUS + ALDERMANICUS, mindful of civic feasts, had placed bottles of + real champagne, or at least real champagne-bottles. This + interested the audience muchly, and numerous were the glasses + turned in the direction of the bottles—of course 'tis + opera-glasses I mean, yer honour,—in order to ascertain + what particular wanity was <i>La Traviata's</i> favourite; but + the bottles were so placed that only one unimportant word on + the label was visible. Was it Pommery '80 <i>très + sec</i>?—Or what was it? Impossible to see: it was not + mentioned in the dialogue, so "Mumm" might have been the word. + But at all events, if the wine is one which requires + advertisement, the guests should be told to be very careful to + leave the bottles in the same position as in the old prefatial + stage-directions "the reader of the play" is supposed to be; + <i>i.e.</i>, "<i>on the stage, facing the audience</i>."</p> + + <p><i>Wednesday.</i>—<i>Rigoletto</i>. M. MAUREL as the + Jester; acting good, voice too loud. ALBANI, as <i>Gilda</i>, + overwhelmed with encores. M. MONTARIOL's <i>Il Duca</i> is + <i>Alfredo</i> over again, only confirmed in a vicious career. + To obtain an encore for the great but now hackneyed song, + "<i>La Donna e mobile</i>," a wonderful rendering is absolutely + essential, and somehow something seems wanting to the success + of <i>Rigoletto</i> when this song goes for nothing and is + passed without a rapturous "<i>bis, bis!</i>" which makes a + Manager rub his hands and smilingly say to himself, "Good + bis-ness."</p> + + <p><i>Thursday.</i>—<i>Lohengrin</i> I believe, but + wasn't there. Hope the Opera went all right without me. Can't + be in more places than one at the same moment. Same remarks + apply to Friday and Saturday.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>TO MISS ALICE ATHERTON AT THE STRAND THEATRE.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>To see her in <i>Our Daughters</i>! worth the + money!</p> + + <p>She 'ATH ER "TON" so genuinely funny!</p> + + <p>Yes, ALICE, in such acting, dance, or song,</p> + + <p>We recognise thy talent <i>et ton</i> + "<i>ton</i>."</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>Of the Modern Bill of Costs, the Ancient "Bill of the Play," + SHAKSPEARE, and the present representative of the Ancient + Mariner, L.C.J. COLERIDGE, both observe, "Oh, reform it + altogether!"</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page210" + id="page210"></a>[pg 210]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/210.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/210.png" + alt="WHAT OUR FIN-DE-SIÈCLISTS ARE GROWING TO." /></a> + + <h3>WHAT OUR FIN-DE-SIÈCLISTS ARE GROWING TO.</h3> + + <p>"OH, OH, OH! CONFOUND IT!"</p> + + <p>"WHAT <i>IS</i> THE MATTER, ALGY?"</p> + + <p>"I JUST LET MY FOOT OUT ON THE STIRRUP, AND THIS BEAST + OF A PONY'S TROD ON MY TOE!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>HYMEN AND CUPID.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Fin-de-Siècle Version, some way after Moore.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>HYMEN, late, his love-knots selling,</p> + + <p>Called at many a maiden's dwelling;</p> + + <p>But he found too well they knew him;</p> + + <p>None were prompter to pooh-pooh him.</p> + + <p class="i2">"Who'll buy my love-knots?</p> + + <p class="i2">Who'll buy my love-knots?"</p> + + <p>Soon as that old cry resounded.</p> + + <p>How his baskets were surrounded!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Maidens mocked, with laughter dying,</p> + + <p>Those fool-knots of HYMEN's tying;</p> + + <p>Dames, who once with him had sided,</p> + + <p>Openly his wares derided.</p> + + <p class="i2">"Who'll buy my love-knots?</p> + + <p class="i2">Who'll buy my love-knots?"</p> + + <p>All at that old cry came flocking,</p> + + <p>Mocking in a style quite shocking.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Here are knots," said HYMEN, taking</p> + + <p>Some loose nooses of Law's making.</p> + + <p>"Pooh!" the nymphs cried. "Who can trust 'em?</p> + + <p>We have changed your queer old custom.</p> + + <p class="i2">Who'll buy your love-knots?</p> + + <p class="i2">Who'll buy your love-knots?</p> + + <p>Women they bind not, nor tie men.</p> + + <p>You're a helpless gaoler, HYMEN!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"When the bargain is completed,</p> + + <p>We have but to cry, 'We're cheated!'</p> + + <p>And you'll find you're sold most sadly.</p> + + <p>Love-knots? Fools'-knots! They tie badly.</p> + + <p class="i2">Who'll buy <i>your</i> love-knots?</p> + + <p class="i2">Who'll buy <i>your</i> love-knots?</p> + + <p>Burdens you would lay our backs on—</p> + + <p>Our reply is—TOLSTOI! JACKSON!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>HYMEN dropped his torch; its splutter</p> + + <p>Was extinguished in the gutter.</p> + + <p>"At my torch and crown of roses</p> + + <p>These young minxes cock their noses.</p> + + <p class="i2">Who'll buy my love-knots?</p> + + <p class="i2">Who'll buy my love-knots?"</p> + + <p>What's the use? 'Twixt Law and Passion,</p> + + <p>HYMEN's plainly out of fashion!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>LOVE, who saw the whole proceeding,</p> + + <p>Would have laughed but for good breeding.</p> + + <p>"Best join <i>me</i>," he cried, "Old Chappie!</p> + + <p>IBSEN read, be free, and happy!</p> + + <p class="i2">Who'll buy your love-knots?</p> + + <p class="i2">Who'll buy your love-knots?</p> + + <p>Have a spree—all shackles scorning,</p> + + <p>Come! We won't go home till morning!'"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>A BACONIAN THEORY;</h2> + + <h3>OR, TRYING IT ON.</h3> + + <p>SOLOMON isn't in it with Judge BACON. The point was whether + Mrs. MANLEY had made Miss DOROTHY DENE's dresses to fit or not. + "To fit or not to fit, that was the question." The Judge gave + his decision after a fair trial of the two costumes—this + might be remembered on both sides as "the trying-on + case,"—that, according to the evidence of unimpeachable + witnesses represented by the Judge's own common-sense and + artistic eye for effect, two of the dresses and a cloak didn't + fit, and that so far, the Defendant, Miss DOROTHY, must + consider herself, in a dress-making sense, "non-suited." Mrs. + MANLEY had, of course, undertaken to provide fits for her + customers, and for having partially failed, her customers + determined to return the compliment, by "giving <i>her</i> + fits" if possible. So the parties came before Judge BACON, and + appealed to His Honour. And the learned Judge mindful of + ancestral Baconian wisdom, "<i>Cast a severe eye upon the + example</i>"—that is, he examined the dresses most + critically,—"<i>but a merciful eye upon the + person</i>,"—for the fair Plaintiff and fair Defendant + His Honour showed himself a most fair Judge, unwilling, as + BACON, "to give beans" to either party, and so dismissing them + with his beany-diction. But, <i>pauca verba</i>,—and may + we always have nothing but praise to bestow on <i>Bacon's + Essays</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>A DISCLAIMER.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>By an Unionist.</i>)</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>I</i> "prefer PARNELL"? Oh dear, no!</p> + + <p>There is no man I've hated so.</p> + + <p>But, since he turned a fierce derider</p> + + <p>Of him he calls the "Grand Old Spider;"</p> + + <p>Since he has "blown" the Home-Rule "gaff,"</p> + + <p>And whelmed the Gladstone gang with chaff;</p> + + <p>Since he has almost wiped out PIGOTT,</p> + + <p>Half justified the Orange bigot;</p> + + <p>Proved part of the <i>Times</i>' charge at + least,</p> + + <p>And won the "Hill-men," lost the Priest;—</p> + + <p>Since then—why, hang it, 'tis such fun,</p> + + <p>I half forgive him all he's done;</p> + + <p>I'll back him, bet on him, and grin;</p> + + <p>Give him my vote, and hope he'll win.</p> + + <p>But I <i>prefer</i> him? Goodness gracious!</p> + + <p>Why <i>can't</i> Gladstonians be veracious?</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>SIR HENRY LOCH'S "STRAIGHT TIP" TO THE INTRUSIVE BOERS IN + MASHONALAND.—"Play us none of your 'treks'!"</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page211" + id="page211"></a>[pg 211]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/211.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/211.png" + alt="HYMEN, FIN DE SIÈCLE." /></a> + + <h3>HYMEN, FIN DE SIÈCLE.</h3>"MAIDENS MOCKED, WITH + LAUGHTER DYING, THOSE FOOL-KNOTS OF HYMEN'S TYING." + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page213" + id="page213"></a>[pg 213]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:13%;"> + <a href="images/213-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/213-1.png" + alt="MOLTKE in German-style script." /></a> + </div> + + <h3>HELMUTH KARL BERNHARD VON MOLTKE.</h3> + + <h4><i>Born, October 26th, 1803. Died, April 24th</i>, + 1891.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Strong, silent Soldier, whom the unmarked years</p> + + <p class="i2">Shaped to such service of the + Fatherland</p> + + <p class="i2">As seldom to one firm, unfailing + hand,</p> + + <p>A State hath owed; to-day a People's tears</p> + + <p>Bedew the most illustrious of biers!</p> + + <p class="i2">The waning century hastening to its + close</p> + + <p>Hath scarce a greater on its glory-roll,</p> + + <p class="i2">Hope of thy land, and terror of its + foes;</p> + + <p>Of foresight keen, and long-enduring soul!</p> + + <p>War's greatness is not greatest; there are + heights</p> + + <p class="i2">Of splendour pure mere warriors scarce + may scale,</p> + + <p class="i2">But thou wert more than battle's scourge + and flail,</p> + + <p>Calm-souled controller of such Titan fights</p> + + <p class="i2">As mould man's after-history. When thy + star</p> + + <p>Shone clear at Koniggrätz, men gazed and knew</p> + + <p class="i2">The light that heralds the great Lords of + War;</p> + + <p>And when o'er Sedan thy black Eagles flew</p> + + <p>And the bold Frank, betrayed and broken, drew</p> + + <p class="i2">One shuddering gasp of agony and + sank,</p> + + <p class="i2">When thy long-mustered legions rank on + rank</p> + + <p>Hemmed the fair, fated City of men's love,</p> + + <p>Then thy star culminated, shone above</p> + + <p class="i2">All but the few fixed beacon-lights, + which owned</p> + + <p class="i2">A new compeer. Long steadfastly + enthroned</p> + + <p>In German hearts, and all men's reverence,</p> + + <p>Suddenly, softly thou art summoned hence,</p> + + <p>To the great muster, full of years and fame!</p> + + <p>How thinks <i>he</i>, lord of a co-equal name,</p> + + <p class="i2">Thine ancient comrade in war's iron + lists,</p> + + <p>Just left, and lone, of the Titanic Three</p> + + <p>Who led the Eagles on to victory?</p> + + <p class="i2">Calmest of Captains, first of + Strategists.</p> + + <p>BISMARCK must bend o'er thy belaurelled bier</p> + + <p>With more than common grief in the unbidden + tear!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>JOKIM AND JOHN.—The CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER is + following Mr. JOHN HOLLINGSHEAD's example. The latter started + "No fees" for Play-time, and the former advocates "No fees" for + School-time.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/213-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/213-2.png" + alt="A PROP OF THE DRAMA." /></a> + + <h3>A PROP OF THE DRAMA.</h3> + + <p>"WHAT, BACK ALREADY, ARCHIE! WAS IT A DULL PIECE, + THEN?"</p> + + <p>"DON'T KNOW. DIDN'T STOP TO SEE. JUST LOOKED ROUND + STALLS AND BOXES, AND DIDN'T SEE A SOUL I KNEW!—SO I + CAME AWAY."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ROBERT AT THE CHILDREN'S FANCY BALL.</h2> + + <p>Well, I've said it afore, and now I says it agane, as I + don't bleeve as sich another both bewtifool and elligant site + is to be seen in all the world, as is to be seen at these + anniwersary yearly festivals in our nobel Egipshun All at the + honoured Manshun House.</p> + + <p>Of course I don't no what sort of intertainement was held + there when the aincient Egipshuns had it, or weather they ewer + was there at all—for I ain't much of a hantiquery; but, + from what I've seen of some on 'em at the British Mewseum, I + should think as there werry peculyar style of dress was not + much sooted to such occashuns.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:14%;"> + <a href="images/213-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/213-3.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>I thinks, upon the hole, as the children's dresses on this + speshal ocashun "beat the record," as the runners and jumpers + says, both for illigance and wariety, and, shoud I atemt to + describe 'em, where on airth shoud I begin! But, as I must + begin sumwheres, I hopes as I shan't awake the biling jealousy + of all the other mothers present when I says as I gives the + Parm Tree to the two rayther youthfool Beef Eaters. As for the + number of Angels and Fairys, with most lovly wings, they was so + numerus, and so bewtifool, that ewen I, a pore Hed Waiter, + coudn't help the thort, that they was a giving me my first + glimpse of Pairodice. Then again I noticed as the grashus and + hansum LADY MARESS—who I should ha liked to ha seen + putting herself at the hed of them all, and leading em all + round the bewtifool All—had most kindly inwited a few + poor creetures, such as nusses, and charity Gals, and plow + boys, and setterer, just to let 'em see what they may sum day + cum to be, if so be as they is all good.</p> + + <p>There was a lot of Hartists a going about makin skitches of + the werry prettiest dresses insted of the werry prettiest + faces, as I shood most suttenly have done. One of 'em wanted + for to take my picter, but as I coudn't bleeve it was for my + bewty, and was quite sure it wasn't for my full heavening + dress, and coud therefore ony be for fun, I respekfully + declined.</p> + + <p>It is roomered among us Hed Waiters, that the QUEEN's own + Daughter, which she's a Hempress, has told her son, which he's + the HEMPEROR of GERMANY, and is a comin here next July, that + the werry loveliest site as the Grand Old Copperashun can + posserbly show him, will be a reppytishun of the glorious seen + as I seed with my own delited eyes on Wensdy last.</p> + + <p class="author">ROBERT.</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h3> + + <p>"Oh Willow! Willow!" Mr. GRACE's memories of Forty years of + Cricket are full of interest, of enthusiasm, and of good + stories. "My Early Cricket Days" will hugely interest young + would-be Willow-wielders. "Cricketers I have Met" is excellent + reading, the Champion being as generous in appreciation as keen + in judgment. On the science of the game he, of course, speaks + as one having authority. THACKERAY said he never saw a boy + without wishing to give him a sovereign. The "Co." for some + time to come will not look on an athletic lad without longing + to give him a copy of "Cricket; by W.G. GRACE." He hopes that + lots of other "dasters" will feel the same yearning, and act + upon it.</p> + + <p>One of the "Co." reports that he has been reading a work on + <i>Decorative Electricity</i>, by Mrs. J.S.H. GORDON, and a + very pretty and original little book he found it, full of + suggestions, ingenious, fanciful, and practical, all at + once—a rare combination. "Those about to" + instal—and most of us will find ourselves in that + position, sooner or later—will gain some invaluable hints + and ideas from this volume, which, in addition to its other + merits, is charmingly illustrated. Before very long we shall + all be modern Aladdins, and summon our Slave of the Lamp as a + matter of course. But there is plenty of scope for imagination + in devising the form of his appearance, notwithstanding, and + Mrs. GORDON's book shows us how the Genius may be compelled to + present himself in a variety of pleasing and fantastic + shapes.</p> + + <p>The Baron is of opinion that <i>The Seal of Fate</i>, by + Lady POLLOCK and W.H. POLLOCK, is an interesting but somewhat + discursive novel. Will it be followed by <i>The Fate of the + Seal</i>, a tale of the Fishery Question?</p> + + <p class="author">BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & Co.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page214" + id="page214"></a>[pg 214]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/214.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/214.png" + alt="LORD RANDOLPH—PAST, PRESENT, AND TO COME-BACK." /> + </a> + + <h3>LORD RANDOLPH—PAST, PRESENT, AND TO + COME-BACK.</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page215" + id="page215"></a>[pg 215]</span> + + <h2>UPON AFRIC'S SHORE;</h2> + + <h3>OR, THE BATTLE OF THE HEROES.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>Not by the Author of "The Battle of + Limerick</i>.")</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">Ye lovers of the nation,</p> + + <p class="i2">Who burn with indignation,</p> + + <p>And England's obfuscation perpetually deplore;</p> + + <p class="i2">Ye flouters of our factions,</p> + + <p class="i2">And partisan distractions,</p> + + <p>How like ye the transactions upon Afric's shore?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">Ye've all heard of the Lion</p> + + <p class="i2">Who a rival cast his eye on,</p> + + <p>(You'll find him in <i>Bombastes</i>) and thought + the brute a bore.</p> + + <p class="i2">Such rival Leos flourish,</p> + + <p class="i2">And mutual hatred nourish,</p> + + <p>With a snapping almost currish, upon Afric's + shore.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">Faith their manes are <i>always</i> + waving,</p> + + <p class="i2">And their claws for contest craving,</p> + + <p>And their forms are always rampant, and they're ever + at full roar,</p> + + <p class="i2">And in book and morning paper,</p> + + <p class="i2">They still clapperclaw and caper,</p> + + <p>And they worry, snarl and vapour about Afric's + shore.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">There was EMIN, sage pacific,</p> + + <p class="i2">The serene and scientific,</p> + + <p>Who a wondrous reputation in a hero-patriot + bore,</p> + + <p class="i2">Until "rescued" by brave STANLEY,</p> + + <p class="i2">Who declared him weak, unmanly.</p> + + <p>Oh! 'tis strange how heroes <i>can</i> lie about + Afric's shore.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">Then BARTTELOT and TROUP,</p> + + <p class="i2">JEPHSON, JAMESON—a group</p> + + <p>Who each of each "made soup"—off each other + tried to score;</p> + + <p class="i2">And in many a verjuiced "vollum"</p> + + <p class="i2">STANLEY's jovial "Rear Column"</p> + + <p>Was discussed in manner solemn, anent Afric's + shore.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">Then the "foreign element"</p> + + <p class="i2">To it tooth and nail <i>they</i> + went,</p> + + <p>And the Battle of the Heroes it grew livelier than + before.</p> + + <p class="i2">Now that man, and now this man,</p> + + <p class="i2">Now DE BRAZZA and now WISSMANN,</p> + + <p>Made it hot for poor Old England upon Afric's + shore.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">Now comes PETERS! He has slanged</p> + + <p class="i2">STANLEY awfully, and banged</p> + + <p>The "Rescue" party badly. It is getting a big + bore,</p> + + <p class="i2">When, with tempers hot as Indies,</p> + + <p class="i2">Heroes smash each other's windies,</p> + + <p>Pursuing of their shindies about Afric's shore.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">It is doubtless "moighty fine,"</p> + + <p class="i2">Being what <i>Titmarsh</i> called "a + line,"</p> + + <p>And it does Society's "sowl" good (no doubt) to hear + him roar;</p> + + <p class="i2">But 'tis folly to suppose</p> + + <p class="i2">He <i>must</i> rush upon his foes,</p> + + <p>And hit them on the nose, upon Afric's shore.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>EARLY CLOSING MOVEMENT.—When Mr. SMITH proposed + shutting up shop early on Tuesdays and Fridays, SIR ROBERT + FOWLER was all for singing, "We won't go home till morning + (<i>three times</i>), Till daylight doth appear." But, as + <i>Falstaff</i> asks, "What doth gravity out of bed after + midnight?" No, Sir ROBERT, doughty knight, take good advice, + and hie thee, armed <i>Night-cap-à-pie</i>, to thy couch. Don't + get up till morning, Till (long after) daylight doth + appear!</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:65%;"> + <a href="images/215.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/215.png" + alt="IBSEN IN BRIXTON." /></a> + + <h3>IBSEN IN BRIXTON.</h3><i>Mrs. Harris</i>. "YES, + WILLIAM, I'VE THOUGHT A DEAL ABOUT IT, AND I FIND I'M + NOTHING BUT YOUR DOLL AND DICKEY-BIRD, AND SO I'M GOING!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>THE PARTY PETER BELL.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A potterer, Sir, he was by trade,</p> + + <p class="i2">A Party Potterer, much respected,</p> + + <p>And every year, when Spring appeared,</p> + + <p>The yellow blooms, to bards endeared,</p> + + <p class="i2">In swarms by PETER were collected.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>He roved among the vales and streams,</p> + + <p class="i2">In the green wood and hollow dell,</p> + + <p>And, upon April's nineteenth day,</p> + + <p>Big buttonholers made display</p> + + <p class="i2">Upon the heart of PETER BELL.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In vain through each succeeding year</p> + + <p class="i2">Did Nature mourn her lessening store.</p> + + <p>A Primrose on the river's brim</p> + + <p>A Party emblem was to him,</p> + + <p class="i2">And it was nothing more!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>DISINFECTING THE WIGS.—"<i>L'Enfant Prodigue</i>," + which is filling the Prince of Wales's Theatre day and night, + has much in it that is delightful. Perhaps there is nothing + quite excels the subtle touch in the programme where it is + written: "The theatre is disinfected by the Sanitas Company, + Limited. <i>The Wigs by Clarkson</i>."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>CURIOUS, AND "MORE ANON!"—The <i>Evelyn</i> v. + <i>Hurlbert</i> trial was as full of literary interest as a + sale of old books and manuscripts. Specially valuable were + copies of <i>Evelyn's Diary</i>; while, in spite of the + pressing demand, <i>Murray's Memoirs</i> were uncommonly + scarce. Victorious Mr. HURLBERT! Yet for all his triumph, he + will be, for some time, a "very much Murray'd man."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A SAVOY QUESTION.—The general idea of the forthcoming + new Opera at the Savoy appears to be "all Dance to SOLOMON's + music." Is it to be a pantomime-drama, like <i>L'Enfant + Prodigue</i>, or simply a ballet? If neither, where do + song-words and dialogue come in?</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page216" + id="page216"></a>[pg 216]</span> + + <h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + + <h4>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h4> + + <p><i>House of Commons, Monday, April 20</i>.—The other + week T.C. BARING was sitting among us, one of the Members for + the City of London. Now BARING is no more, and to-night HUCKS + GIBBS comes in to take his place. VICARY G. brought his father + down; watched him take oath and has undertaken generally to see + him through. In fact, when GIBBS <i>père</i> hesitated about + taking the proffered seat for the City, VICARY undertook to + fill it; finally, GIBBS <i>père</i> being warmly pressed, + consented to sit, and VICARY stood aside. But he will come in + by-and-by, when he has given his father a turn.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:27%;"> + <a href="images/216-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/216-1.png" + alt="Late Member for the City." /></a>Late Member for + the City. + </div> + + <p>"Age before honesty, is my motto," said VICARY, when I + complimented him upon the fine feeling he has shown throughout + these negotiations. "I always think that we young fellows lose + nothing by giving our elders a start. My father, you know, + sometime ago wanted to change the name of our firm. Suggested + it should be called SONS & ANTONY GIBBS. There's something + in it; but on the whole, better leave things as they are. + ANTONY GIBBS & SONS known all over the world; always + embarrassing to change style of an old firm; so, for the + present, at least, we leave things alone. Come along, + <i>Pater</i>; think I'll take you home now. Never rush wildly + into new engagements; you've had the excitement of being sworn + in, and signing the roll of Parliament. You hadn't been in the + place ten minutes before TIM HEALY gave you a chance of voting + on a London City Bill, and that's enough for one night. + By-and-by you shall stay all night and enjoy yourself in + Committee on Irish Land Bill."</p> + + <p>So ANTONY GIBBS AND SON went off before dinner. Didn't miss + much; grinding away at Irish Land Bill; most soul-depressing + experience of modern life; no heart in it; no reality; SAGE of + Queen Anne's Gate brings up amendment after amendment, and + makes successive speeches; SEYMOUR KEAY does ditto; + SHAW-LEFEVRE adds new terror to situation by taking voluminous + notes which promise illimitable succession of orations; House + empty; PRINCE ARTHUR has the full length of Treasury Bench on + which to lounge. Occasionally Division-bell rings; Members + troop in by the hundred; follow their leaders into Lobby right + or left, deciding question they haven't heard debated, and mere + drift of which two-thirds don't understand.</p> + + <p>BRER FOX absent to-night, which precludes possibility of + flare-up in Irish Camp. TIM faithful to his post, but lacks + inspiration of contiguity to BRER FOX.</p> + + <p>"PARNELL's played out," said TIM, referring in course of + evening to BRER FOX's reception in his latest run through + Ireland. "He may ramp and roar here, but his game's up in + Ireland."</p> + + <p>"And is he resigned to the situation?" I asked.</p> + + <p>TIM looked at me, half winking his miraculously preserved + right eye.</p> + + <p>"Did you ever hear, TOBY, what the weeping widow said to the + parson, who asked, 'Was your husband resigned to die?' 'He had + ter be,' she said, choking a sob."</p> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—Very little in the Irish Land + Bill.</p> + + <p><i>Tuesday.</i>—Mr. G.'s presence at Morning Sitting + gave only possible fillip to interminable Debate on Land + Purchase Bill. BRER FOX still away, so comparative peace reigns + in Irish Camp. TIM HEALY no one to butt his head against; + COLONEL NOLAN too busy deploying his army of five men; showing + them how to retreat in good order when Division-bell rings, and + how, when it is decided to vote, they shall pass out through + one door, march in at the other, cross the floor, and look as + much as possible as if they were ten instead of five. T.W. + RUSSELL—"Roaring" RUSSELL, as his old colleague in + Temperance fights, WILFRID LAWSON, calls him—frequently + on his legs. At sound of his voice, Mr. G. gets his back up; + interposes interjections and corrections; and presently, when + he can stand it no longer, plunges into a speech.</p> + + <p>Another time SAUNDERSON draws him. "I am very sorry," said + Mr. G., who has been itching to speak for last half-hour, "that + the hon. and gallant Gentleman has dragged me into debate by + gross misstatements."</p> + + <p>Being there, however, Mr. G. enjoys himself passably well, + grinding SAUNDERSON to powder, and hewing RUSSELL to pieces + before the Lord STRATHEDEN AND CAMPBELL, who are sleeping + peacefully together in the Gallery. "Like the Babes in the + Wood," said PLUNKET, looking up smilingly at the face in the + Gallery, which looks twice as wise when asleep as the ordinary + man does in full possession of his senses.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:27%;"> + <a href="images/216-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/216-2.png" + alt="'Roaring' Russell." /></a>"Roaring" Russell. + </div> + + <p>"I know," Mr. G. continued, in measured accents of polite + scorn, "that the eloquence of the hon. and gallant Gentleman + (meaning SAUNDERSON) is as ungovernable as I am afraid it is + sometimes unprofitable. In the exercise of the understanding + which the Almighty has given him, he has represented me as + being a supporter of this Bill."</p> + + <p>Words cannot convey adequate impression of the subtlety of + emotion conveyed by this unwonted, perhaps unprecedented, + invocation. An unmistakeable, though unspoken, indication of + mingled feeling—pity for one so meagrely endowed, and + marvel that, out of boundless stores, the Deity could, even in + this instance, have been so chary of gifts.</p> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—Still less in Committee on Irish + Land Bill.</p> + + <p><i>Thursday.</i>—Rival shows in both Houses to-night. + Lords running the Newfoundland Delegates at the Bar; in the + Commons Budget on. On the whole, Commons drew the fullest + House, to which JOKIM descanted for nearly three hours. If he'd + taken two, the speech would have been a third less long, and + three times as successful. Still the Budget comes but once a + year, and CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER feels bound to make the + most of opportunity. Pretty plain sailing for first two hours. + Then JOKIM ran aground. It was General STAMPS that did it all. + Appeared unexpectedly in long list of details setting forth + Estimates for Revenue in coming year. Nobody ever heard before + of the General; thought, at least, he must belong to the Army + Estimates. But JOKIM would have him in, spurs and epaulettes, + and all.</p> + + <p>"General STAMPS," he said, regardless of grammar, "have + fallen off." JOKIM, in his loose way, omitted to say off what; + presumed to be his horse. House not sorry to hear it; had + enough of the mysterious warrior. But he was up again a few + minutes' later. "General STAMPS," JOKIM continued, in his airy + fashion, "apart from the Death Duties, I reduce from £6,700,000 + to £5,900,000."</p> + + <p>"Better reduce him to the ranks at once," said Admiral + FIELD, who is a terrible martinet.</p> + + <p>But JOKIM took no notice of the suggestion; floundered + along, bungling terribly. Committee tried to help him out; that + didn't help matters much. To have a Member in one part of the + House filling up an awkward pause by suggesting "dried fruit," + another "coffee," a third "rum," and a fourth "probate duty," + when after all, JOKIM was thinking of the Income Tax or General + STAMPS, evidently not designed to advance matters.</p> + + <p>"The Committee knows what I mean," JOKIM said, piteously, + looking round out of a morass a little deeper than he'd been in + lately. But that is exactly what the Committee didn't do.</p> + + <p>"Then," said JOKIM, "you'll understand the figures when you + read them in the papers to-morrow." Something in that; House + mollified; still can't help thinking that if it is to wait till + next morning to read report of Chancellor's Budget Speech in + order to understand his statements, some preliminary time might + be saved in the evening.</p> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—Budget brought in.</p> + + <p><i>Friday Night.</i>—Missed OLD MORALITY from Treasury + Bench; looked in his room; found him in arm-chair, collapsed, + by fire-place, with copy of <i>Morning Advertiser</i> in his + hand.</p> + + <p>"What's the matter?" I asked. "Surely you've not been + reading JOKIM's Budget Speech right through!" He certainly + looked as if he had.</p> + + <p>"No, TOBY," he said; "it's not that; it's the Leader. + Haven't you seen what the <i>Morning Advertiser</i> says about + me? 'For the first time in our recollection he (that's me) + bears on his political escutcheon a deep smudge of dishonour': + and that's all because JOKIM wouldn't take a penny off a barrel + of beer, and twopence off a gallon of spirits. It's the + injustice I feel most acutely. It doesn't seem fair that Mr. + BUNG should try to intimidate JOKIM by abusing me."</p> + + <p>"It <i>is</i> hard," I said; "but it's no use sitting moping + here. Come along into House; they're in Committee on the Land + Bill; an hour or two of that'll freshen you up." And it + did.</p> + + <p><i>Business done.</i>—In Committee on the Irish Land + Bill.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +100, May 2, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14141-h.htm or 14141-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/1/4/14141/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 100, May 2, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 24, 2004 [EBook #14141] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 100. + + + +May 2, 1891. + + + + +SONGS OF THE UN-SENTIMENTALIST. + +A DUSTMAN'S SILENT TEAR. + + I know not how that Dustman stirred my ire: + He may have failed to call when due: but he-- + My breast being charged with economic fire,-- + Was mulcted of his customary fee. + I was informed, at first he did not seem + To grasp the cruel sense of what he heard, + But asked, "Wot's this 'ere game?" as if some dream + Of evil portents all his pulses stirred; + Then, muttering, he turned, and went his way + Dejected, broken! I had stopped his beer! + Ah! from that Dustman who, alas! can say + I did not wring a sad and silent tear! + + I thought the matter o'er. I vowed no more, + That I with grief would moisten any eye; + Henceforth, whene'er that Dustman passed my door, + Upon his beer he knew he could rely! + Nay more! For never heeding if my bin + Were full or empty, I that Dustman hailed; + His grateful smile my one desire to win; + I felt I could not help it if I failed. + Twice every week he came,--his twopence drew: + That Dustman seemed to brighten with his beer. + And, if he wept, thank Heaven, at least I knew + With joy, not grief, _he shed his silent tear!_ + + * * * * * + + +LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY. + +[CONTINUED.] + +_Thursday, April 16_.--On looking through my book I find that I am +now a member of ten Billsbury Cricket Clubs, to most of which I am a +Vice-President. Not bad, considering that my average in my last year +at school was four, and that I didn't play more than half-a-dozen +times at Oxford. TOLLAND says there are many more Foot-ball Clubs +than Cricket Clubs--a pleasant prospect for me in the Autumn. Have +also had to subscribe to six Missions of various kinds, four Easter +Monday _Fetes_, six Friendly Societies, three Literary and Scientific +Institutes, five Temperance Associations, four Quoit Clubs, two +Swimming Clubs, seven Sunday Schools, five Church or Chapel Building +Funds, three Ornithological Societies, two Christian Young Men's +Associations, three Children's Free Dinner Funds, one Angling +Association, not to speak of Fire Brigade, Dispensaries, and Brass +Bands. Have also given a Prize to be shot for by Volunteers, as +CHUBSON gives one every year. What with L80 subscription to +the Registration Fund, things are beginning to mount up pretty +considerably. + +[Illustration] + +Have spoken at three meetings since the Mass Meeting. TOLLAND said, +"You needn't refer to Sir THOMAS CHUBSON yourself. Leave our people +to do that. They enjoy that kind of thing, and know how to do it." +They do, indeed. At our last meeting, HOLLEBONE, the Secretary of +the Junior Conservative Club, went on at him for twenty minutes in +proposing resolution of confidence in me. "Sir THOMAS," he said, +"talks of his pledges. The less Sir THOMAS says about them the +better. I can't walk out anywhere in Billsbury for two minutes without +tripping over the broken fragments of some of Sir THOMAS's pledges. +It's getting quite dangerous. Sir THOMAS, they say, made himself. It's +a pity he couldn't put in a little consistency when he was engaged on +the job. We don't want any purse-proud Radical knights to represent +us. We want a straightforward man, who says what he means; and you'll +agree with me, fellow-townsmen, that we've got one in our eloquent and +popular young Candidate." + +This went down very well. Next day, however, the _Meteor_ +"parallel-columned" Sir THOMAS CHUBSON's career and mine. +Mine occupied six lines; Sir THOMAS's "Life of honourable and +self-sacrificing industry" ran to nearly a column. "It will be +observed," said the _Meteor_, "that there is a good deal of blank +space in Mr. PATTLE's comparative career; but this no doubt recommends +him to his Conservative friends, who are quite equal to filling it +brilliantly with their imaginative rhetoric about his chances of +success." + +Primrose Day, the day after to-morrow. We're going to have a great +demonstration at Billsbury. Mother is going down with me to-morrow. + +_April 20th, "George Hotel," Billsbury_.--The Demonstration yesterday +was a splendid success. At ten o'clock in the morning the Conservative +Band marched up to the Hotel and played patriotic airs under the +window. Mother and I drove to the Beaconsfield Club in an open +carriage and pair, escorted by the band. Mother's bonnet was all +primroses, and she carried an immense bouquet of them. _Carlo_ +came with us and sat on the back-seat. His collar was stuck full of +primroses, and small bunches were tied on to the tufts on his back +and at the end of his tail. I wore a buttonhole of primroses, and +carried a huge primrose wreath to be placed round the bust of LORD +BEACONSFIELD, which stands in the hall of the Club. The coachman and +horses too were all tricked out with bunches. TOLLAND and CHORKLE, +and all the leaders of the Party, met us at the entrance of the Club, +and the ceremony of depositing the flowers all round the bust began. +CHORKLE, who once shook hands with DIZZY in the lobby of the House, +made a great speech, mostly composed of personal reminiscences of our +great departed leader. (By the way CHORKLE has six children, five +of them being sons, whose names are BENJAMIN DISRAELI CHORKLE, CECIL +SALISBURY CHORKLE, STRAFFORD THOROUGH CHORKLE, HOBBES LEVIATHAN +CHORKLE, and RANDOLPH CHURCHILL CHORKLE.) The sixth, eighteen months +old, is a girl. Her name is WILLIAMINA HENRIETTA SMITH CHORKLE. They +were all present, covered with primroses. I added a few words about +the inspiring effect that the contemplation of LORD BEACONSFIELD's +career must have upon the youth of the country. Mother's bouquet kept +falling off the place she had put it on, and two or three enthusiasts +always dashed forward to pick it up, causing a good many collisions. +In the middle of my speech, _Carlo_ walked into the centre of the +hall, sat down and proceeded to gnaw off the primroses which had been +tied to his tail. He then ate them all solemnly, and after that rolled +over on his back with his paws stuck straight out, pretending he was +dead. I must tell Mother not to bring that dog again. There was a +great banquet in the evening. VULLIAMY came down for it and spoke very +kindly about me in his speech. Said he had followed my career with +profound interest and pleasure from my earliest years. I've only known +him a year. + + * * * * * + +NOTHING LIKE DISCIPLINE! + +(_EXTRACT FROM THE DIARY OF_ PRIVATE ATKINS, _PRINCE'S COMPANY, 4TH +BATTALION, H.M.'S GUZZLEBEER GUARDS._) + +_Monday_.--Joined the Regiment. Appeared on Parade, and was requested +to come to "attention," although the Sergeant _must_ have seen that I +was "standing at ease." Expressed a desire that the Commanding-officer +should rectify the mistake, when all ended amicably. Sergeant +apologised, and promised that it should not occur again. Satisfied. +Both Sergeant and Commanding-officer well up in their duties! + +[Illustration] + +_Tuesday_.--Bugle sounded too early for Assembly. Sent a message to +the Adjutant by his orderly (with my compliments) saying that I would +feel much obliged if the Parade were postponed an hour. Adjutant +returned _his_ compliments, with a request that I would give in +writing my reason for desiring a delay. Explained (by word of mouth) +that I wanted to read the newspapers. Parade consequently postponed as +requested. Obliging chap the Adjutant! + +_Wednesday_.--Warned for Guard. Sent for the Major of my +half-battalion (don't like bothering the Commanding-officer about +every trifle), and explained that, although the Surgeon had seen me, +and reported me fit, I had a presentiment that the easterly winds +would play the very mischief with me if I went "Sentry Go." Major +thought, perhaps it would be better if I were struck off duty. Excused +Guard in consequence. Good sort Major of my half-battalion! + +_Thursday_.--Sorry to find rations very unsatisfactory. Complained +to the Officer of the day, who reported the matter to the Captain. +Captain said he would have asked the entire company to dine with him +at his Club had he not been engaged. He then passed us on to his +Subs. The latter most obligingly gave us some food at a Restaurant. +_Chateaubriand_ excellent, _Sole a la Normande_ decent, but _Potage a +la bisque_ too rich. Mistake to order the latter, as one can never get +it _really_ good, except on the Continent. Wine tol-lol. Pol Royer of +'84. However, spent a very pleasant evening. Both Subs, when you know +them, not half bad fellows! + +_Friday_.--Rather a head, and felt generally out of sorts. Warned for +Kit-inspection. Couldn't stand this, so called upon General Commanding +District. Not at home, but was asked would I see his _locum tenens_? +Replied in the negative, as I don't believe in go-betweens. Didn't +return to barracks, as I thought I might get a breath of sea-air at +Southend. + +_Saturday_.--Arrested and conveyed to the Guard-room. Suppose I +shall be released with a caution. At any rate, for the present, diary +confiscated. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE GARDEN OF SLEEP; + +OR, "PUT THAT IN YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT!" + +_Miss India_. "EVICT ME? WITH PLEASURE, SAHIB. BUT HOW ABOUT +'COMPENSATION FOR DISTURBANCE?'"] + + * * * * * + + In the heart of fair Ind, which JOHN BULL hopes to keep, + Trade planted a Garden--a Garden of Sleep; + 'Neath the hot Eastern sky--in the place of good corn-- + It is there that the baneful white Poppy is born,-- + Chinese Johnny's desire, lending dreams of delight, + Which are his when the poppy-juice cometh in sight. + Oh! the Mart hath no heart, and Trade laugheth to scorn + The plea of friend PEASE, where the Poppies are born. + + In this Garden of Sleep, where white Poppies are spread, + Fair INDIA plucketh the opiate head. + JOHN BULL says. "My dear, PEASE's tales make me creep. + He swears it, fills graves with 'pigtails,' who seek sleep!" + Fair INDIA replies, "That may possibly be; + But they Revenue bring, some Six Millions, you see! + Turn me out if you will, smash the Trade if you must; + But--you'll make up the money somehow, Sir, I trust!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WANTED--A LOCAL HABITATION. + +(_Commended by Mr. Punch to the Patrons of British Art._) + +_English Art_ (_to Sir James L-nt-n, Messrs. T-te and Agn-w_), "NOW, +GENTLEMEN, THE GOVERNMENT HAS GIVEN THE SITE FOR MY HOUSE,--IT ONLY +REMAINS FOR YOU TO BUILD IT." + +[The CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER announced that the Government had +assigned a site for the new Gallery of Modern Art, as he thought it +would be unwise to risk the failure of the gift of L80,000 which had +been offered to erect a building.]] + + * * * * * + +SOMEBODY'S LUGGAGE. + +In view of the intense public excitement aroused by the statement that +Lord RANDOLPH CHURCHILL, in his expedition to Mashonaland, is only +going to take two books with him--SHAKSPEARE and MOLIERE--an Inquiring +Correspondent has recently written to several eminent persons on this +subject, and has received--so he says--the following replies:-- + +SIR,--You ask me what books I should take if I were contemplating +a visit to the Dark Continent, like Lord RANDOLPH CHURCHILL. +The question, in the abstract, and without reference to my own +personality, is an interesting one, and no doubt human fallibility +would, in the case you suppose, induce me to take several volumes of +my own _Gleanings_ with me,--not so much for their intrinsic merits, +as because perhaps they might form a new kind of literature for native +African potentates. HOMER, too, _of course_. At my time of life, +however, I must be excused from grappling with any new Continents, +dark or otherwise. I find that Ireland is quite dark enough for me +just now. Excuse a card. Yours, W.E. GL-DST-NE. + +SIR,--As I am not "contemplating an expedition to the Dark Continent," +and have no sympathy with Hottentots, there seems to be no sufficient +reason for my answering your questions, or for your asking them. +S-L-SB-RY. + +SIR,--Your question is ridiculous. The only books worth taking to +Africa, or anywhere else, would be a bound copy of last year's +_Review of Reviews_, GENERAL BOOTH's epoch-making volume, and--this +is indispensable--SIR C. D-LKE's invaluable _Problems of Greater +Britain._ When I went to Rome, I naturally took with me the "hundred +best books in the world." They were a little heavy, but I thought +the POPE would like to see them. However, circumstances prevented my +presenting them to His Holiness. Yours, W.T. ST-D. + +SIR,--I don't know much about books. I've just written rather a good +one on _Cricket_, and I think if I were going to Africa I should take +a supply. From all I've heard of TIPPOO TIB, I should think he would +enjoy the game; at any rate TIPPOO ought to be able to master tip and +run without much difficulty. W.G. GR-CE. + +SIR,--Having consulted my relatives--also CAPTAIN M-L-SW-RTH--as +to whether there would be any impropriety in giving a reply to your +questions, I am happy to say that they seem to think there would be +none, but that on the contrary it might even assist the takings at the +Aquarium. I may therefore mention that if I were proceeding to Central +Africa there is _only one book_ I should dream of taking with me. That +would be a copy of the Proceedings of the London County Council, since +the joyful date of its advent on this planet. Yours obediently, Z-o. + +SIR,--The one book I should take with me to Africa would be DR. +PETERS' recent valuable work--_More Light on Dark Africa_. I should +give it to the Dwarfs. It would make capital poisoned arrows. H.M. +ST-NL-Y. + +SIR,--The only book worth thinking about for such an expedition as +you mention would be STANLEY's _In Darkest Africa_. Its Maps would be +invaluable,--as presents for a rival explorer, whom one might desire +to mislead as to his route. CARL P-T-RS. + + * * * * * + +MR. HERKOMER AND MR. PENNELL. + +PROFESSOR HERKOMER defends the use of Photography for the engraver's +purposes, and clearly thinks that what TENNYSON ought to have written, +in _Locksley Hall_, was-- + +"And the thoughts of men are widened by a Process of the Sun's." + +He also comforts himself with the reflection that being called over +the coals in the _National Observer_, is one of the PENNELL-ties of +success. + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S POCKET IBSEN. + +(_CONDENSED AND REVISED VERSION BY MR. P.'S OWN HARMLESS IBSENITE_.) + +NO. III.--HEDDA GABLER. + +ACT II. + + SCENE--_The cheerful dark Drawing-room. It is afternoon. + HEDDA stands loading a revolver in the back Drawing-room._ + +_Hedda_ (_looking out, and shouting_). How do you do, Judge? (_Aims at +him._) Mind yourself! [_She fires._ + +_Brack_ (_entering_). What the devil! Do you usually take pot-shots at +casual visitors? [_Annoyed._ + +_Hedda_. Invariably, when they come by the back-garden. It is my +unconventional way of intimating that I am at home. One does do these +things in realistic dramas, you know. And I was only aiming at the +blue sky. + +_Brack_. Which accounts for the condition of my hat. (_Exhibiting +it._) Look here--_riddled_! + +_Hedda_. Couldn't help myself. I am so horribly bored with TESMAN. +Everlastingly to be with a professional person! + +_Brack_ (_sympathetically_). Our excellent TESMAN is certainly a bit +of a bore. (_Looks searchingly at her_.) What on earth made you marry +him? + +_Hedda_. Tired of dancing, my dear, that's all. And then I used TESMAN +to take me home from parties; and we saw this villa; and I said I +liked it, and so did he; and so we found some common ground, and here +we are, do you see! And I loathe TESMAN, and I don't even like the +villa now; and I do feel the want of an entertaining companion so! + +[Illustration: "I am a Norwegian literary man, and peculiar."] + +_Brack_. Try me. Just the kind of three-cornered arrangement that +I like. Let me be the third person in the +compartment--(_confidentially_)--the tried friend, and, generally +speaking, cock of the walk! + +_Hedda_ (_audibly drawing in her breath_). I cannot resist your +polished way of putting things. We will conclude a triple alliance. +But hush!--here comes TESMAN. + + [_Enter GEORGE, with a number of books under his arm._ + +_George_. Puff! I _am_ hot, HEDDA. I've been looking into LOeVBORG's +new book. Wonderfully thoughtful--confound him! But I must go and +dress for your party, Judge. [_He goes out._ + +_Hedda_. I wish I could get TESMAN to take to politics, Judge. +Couldn't he be a Cabinet Minister, or something? + +_Brack_. H'm! + + [_A short pause; both look at one another, without speaking. + Enter GEORGE, in evening dress, with gloves._ + +_George_. It is afternoon, and your party is at half-past seven--but I +like to dress early. Fancy that! And I am expecting LOeVBORG. + + [_EJLERT LOeVBORG comes in from the hall; he is worn and pale, + with red patches on his cheek-bones, and wears an elegant + perfectly new visiting-suit, and black gloves._ + +_George_. Welcome! (_Introduces him to BRACK._) Listen--I have got +your new book, but I haven't read it through yet. + +_Loevborg_. You needn't--it's rubbish. (_Takes a packet of MSS. out._) +This _isn't_. It's in three parts; the first about the civilising +forces of the future, the second about the future of the civilising +forces, and the third about the forces of the future civilisation. I +thought I'd read you a little of it this evening? + +_Brack and George_ (_hastily_). Awfully nice of you--but there's a +little party this evening--so sorry we can't stop! Won't you come too? + +_Hedda_. No, he must stop and read it to me and Mrs. ELVSTED instead. + +_George_. It would never have occurred to me to think of such clever +things! Are you going to oppose me for the Professorship, eh? + +_Loevborg_ (_modestly_). No; I shall only triumph over you in the +popular judgment--that's all! + +_George_. Oh, is that all? Fancy! Let us go into the back drawing-room +and drink cold punch. + +_Loevborg_. Thanks--but I am a reformed character, and have renounced +cold punch--it is poison. + + [_GEORGE and BRACK go into the back-room and drink punch, + whilst HEDDA shows LOeVBORG a photograph album in the front._ + +_Loevborg_ (_slowly, in a low tone_). HEDDA GABLER! how _could_ you +throw yourself away like this!--Oh, is _that_ the ORTLER Group? +Beautiful!--Have you forgotten how we used to sit on the settee +together behind an illustrated paper, and--yes, very picturesque +peaks--I told you all about how I had been on the loose? + +_Hedda_. Now, none of that, here! These are the Dolomites.--Yes, I +remember; it was a beautiful fascinating Norwegian intimacy--but +it's over now. See, we spent a night in that little mountain village, +TESMAN and I! + +_Loevborg_. Did you, indeed? Do you remember that delicious moment when +you threatened to shoot me down--(_tenderly_)--I do! + +_Hedda_ (_carelessly_). Did I? I have done that to so many people. But +now all that is past, and you have found the loveliest consolation +in dear, good, little Mrs. ELVSTED--ah, here she is! (_Enter_ Mrs. +ELVSTED.) Now, THEA, sit down and drink up a good glass of cold punch. +Mr. LOeVBORG is going to have some. If you don't, Mr. LOeVBORG, GEORGE +and the Judge will think you are afraid of taking too much if you once +begin. + +_Mrs. E._ Oh, please, HEDDA! When I've inspired Mr. LOeVBORG so--good +gracious! _don't_ make him drink cold punch! + +_Hedda_. You see, Mr. LOeVBORG, our dear little friend can't _trust_ +you! + +_Loevborg_. So _that_ is my comrade's faith in me! (_Gloomily._) _I_'ll +show her if I am to be trusted or not. (_He drinks a glass of punch_.) +Now I'll go to the Judge's party. I'll have another glass first. +Your health, THEA! So you came up to spy on me, eh? I'll drink the +Sheriff's health--_everybody's_ health! + + [_He tries to get more punch._ + +_Hedda_ (_stopping him_). No more now. You are going to a party, +remember. [GEORGE _and_ TESMAN _come in from back-room._ + +_Loevborg._ Don't be angry, THEA. I was fallen for a moment. Now I'm up +again! (Mrs. E. _beams with delight_). Judge, I'll come to your party, +as you _are_ so pressing, and I'll read GEORGE my manuscript all the +evening. I'll do all in _my_ power to make that party go! + +_George_. No? fancy! that _will_ be amusing! + +_Hedda_. There, go away, you wild rollicking creatures! But Mr. +LOeVBORG must be back at ten, to take dear THEA home! + +_Mrs. E._ Oh, goodness, yes! (_In concealed agony._) Mr. LOeVBORG, I +shan't go away till you do! + + [_The three men go out laughing merrily; the Act-drop is + lowered for a minute; when it is raised, it is 7 A.M., and + Mrs. ELVSTED and HEDDA are discovered sitting up, with rugs + around them._ + +_Mrs. E._ (_wearily_). Seven in the morning, and Mr. LOeVBORG not here +to take me home _yet_! what _can_ he be doing? + +_Hedda_ (_yawning_). Reading to TESMAN, with vine-leaves in his hair, +I suppose. Perhaps he has got to the third part. + +_Mrs. E._ Oh, do you _really_ think so, HEDDA? Oh, if I could but hope +he was doing that! + +_Hedda_. You silly little ninny! I should like to scorch your hair +off. Go to bed! [Mrs. E. _goes. Enter_ GEORGE. + +_George_. I'm a little late, eh? But we made _such_ a night of it. +Fancy! It was most amusing. EJLERT read his book to me--think of that! +Astonishing book! Oh, we really had great fun! I wish _I'd_ written +it. Pity he's so irreclaimable. + +_Hedda_. I suppose you mean he has more of the courage of life than +most people? + +_George_. Good Lord! He had the courage to get more drunk than +most people. But, altogether, it was what you might almost call a +Bacchanalian orgy. We finished up by going to have early coffee with +some of these jolly chaps, and poor old LOeVBORG dropped his precious +manuscript in the mud, and I picked it up--and here it is! Fancy +if anything were to happen to it! He never could write it again. +_Wouldn't_ it be sad, eh? Don't tell anyone about it. + + [_He leaves the packet of MSS. on a chair, and rushes out; + HEDDA hides the packet as BRACK enters._ + +_Brack_. _Another_ early call, you see! My party was such a singularly +animated _soiree_ that I haven't undressed all night. Oh, it was +the liveliest affair conceivable! And, like a true Norwegian host, +I tracked LOeVBORG home; and it is only my duty, as a friend of the +house, and cock of the walk, to take the first opportunity of telling +you that he finished up the evening by coming to mere loggerheads with +a red-haired opera-singer, and being taken off to the police-station! +You mustn't have him here any more. Remember our little triple +alliance! + +_Hedda_ (_her smile fading away_). You are certainly a dangerous +person--but you must not get a hold over me! + +_Brack_ (_ambiguously_). What an idea! But I might--I am an +insinuating dog. Good morning! [_Goes out._ + +_Loevborg_ (_bursting in, confused and excited_). I suppose you've +heard where _I've_ been? + +_Hedda_ (_evasively_). I heard you had a very jolly party at Judge +BRACK's. [Mrs. ELVSTED _comes in._ + +_Loevborg_. It's all over. I don't mean to do any more work. I've no +use for a companion now, THEA. Go home to your Sheriff! + +_Mrs. E._ (_agitated_). Never! I want to be with you when your book +comes out! + +_Loevborg_. It won't _come_ out--I've torn it up! (_Mrs. E. rushes out, +wringing her hands_.) Mrs. TESMAN, I told her a lie--but no matter. +I haven't torn my book up--I've done worse! I've taken it about to +several parties, and it's been through a police-row with me--now I've +lost it. Even if I found it again, it wouldn't be the same--not to me! +I am a Norwegian literary man, and peculiar. So I must make an end of +it altogether! + +_Hedda_. Quite so--but look here, you must do it beautifully. I +don't insist on your putting vine-leaves in your hair--but do it +beautifully. (_Fetches pistol._) See, here is one of General GABLER's +pistols--do it with _that_! + +_Loevborg._ Thanks! + + [_He takes the pistol, and goes out through the hall-door; + as soon as he has gone, HEDDA brings out the manuscript, and + puts it on the fire, whispering to herself, as Curtain falls._ + + * * * * * + +CAN A MAN IMPRISON HIS WIFE? + +(_AN AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL CONSIDERATION OF THE QUESTION, BY AN EMINENT +LEGAL AUTHORITY._) + +[Illustration: Summing Up.] + +It may be remembered that (I trust) in deserved acknowledgment of +my professional pre-eminence, I received, some little while ago, +the appointment of a Deputy-Assistant-Revising-Barristership. In +performing the duties of this important office, I sometimes have to +incur bodily risk--the more especially when I have to distinguish +between the rival claims of the political parties that I am sorry +to say have made Lambville-cum-Minton the antithesis of heaven upon +earth. On the occasion to which I particularly wish to refer, I was +accompanied by my Wife, to my secret annoyance, as I am afraid the +Lady who does me the honour to share my name is unduly apprehensive of +my safety, and, besides this general plea, I had yet another special +reason for desiring her absence. To tell the truth, I had been greatly +moved by a decision given in the Court of Appeal, whereby it seemed to +me (and no doubt to many of my learned friends) the custody of a wife +by her husband had become an empty phrase, signifying nothing. I felt +that if, by any means, I could get this judgment set aside, I would +not only confer upon myself, as a married man, a signal benefit, but, +moreover, as a Counsel, obtain increased professional distinction. +However, I was embarrassed by the presence of my Wife, when I came +to consider the best mode in which marital authority might be +assumed to raise the question of the right of _habeas corpus_. I +had returned to my room before the opening of the Registration +Court at Lambville-cum-Minton, in rather a disturbed frame of mind. +Truth to tell, my Wife, having learned that political feeling +was rising so high in the town that it was possible that the +Deputy-Assistant-Revising-Barrister might be assaulted by either or +both of the rival factions, had done her best to dissuade me from +taking my customary seat. + +"What shall I do, to say nothing of the darling children, if you are +brought home on a hurdle?" she sobbed out. + +I assured her that there was a very remote risk of my succumbing to +such a fate, as the conveyance home on a hurdle raised the presumption +that the victim had been hunting, a sport in which I seldom, I may +say, never indulged. But this explanation did not reassure her, +and she left me in tears. Her emotion caused me much pain, the more +especially as my proposed task seemed to me, under the circumstances, +a species of domestic treason. However, I hardened my heart, and sat +down to consider the facts of the case. To allow the right of seizure +to be argued, it would be necessary to take my Wife out of the custody +of someone other than myself. Her mother, a most estimable old lady, +with whom I have had many a pleasant and exciting game of backgammon, +seemed a right and proper person to assist me in carrying out my +project. But the objection immediately occurred to me that it would +be an exceedingly difficult matter to induce her to hold my Wife from +me unless I desired her to take such a course. But if I made this +request, would not the proceeding savour of collusion? To meet this +obstacle I came to the conclusion that I might get my Wife to pay +a visit to her mother, and then, appropriately disguised, seize and +carry her off. By locking her in the conveyance and riding on the box, +I could preserve my incognito until reaching home, and then I might +confine her in her own room with assumed harshness, and possibly (of +this I had some doubt) get her to complain of her imprisonment. By +keeping my Wife's domicile a close secret, her mother would be induced +to visit me to ask my professional assistance in recovering her +daughter. Thus approached it would be possible to so advise the old +lady that in the result she would demand my Wife's presence in Court +under a writ of _habeas corpus_. Then would come my opportunity. +Of course I would produce my Wife, and having carefully prepared my +arguments, would deliver an oration that would fill columns of the +newspapers, and hand down my name to generations to come as _the_ +authority on marital rights. I saw in the near future wealth and +restored domestic happiness. But the first thing to do was to lock +up my Wife. And at this point it occurred to me that it was time for +me to walk over to the Revision Court. I hastily gathered certain +necessary articles into my brief-bag, and putting on my hat, grasped +the handle of the door. To my surprise I found that I could obtain no +egress. I rang the bell--and instead of a servant my Wife answered the +summons. "The door is locked, dear," I observed, "and as the key seems +to be on the other side, will you kindly open it, as I am in a hurry +to be off." + +"You will stay where you are," was the reply. "You are not going to +get killed by attending a nonsensical Revision Court." + +"But I must go," I explained; and then assuming a tone of authority I +rarely adopt, I added, "and you will be good enough to open the door +at once." + +"I shall do nothing of the sort," replied my Wife, calmly. "I locked +you in, and I shan't let you out." + +"What, Madam," I exclaimed; "do you defy my authority?" + +"Certainly!" was the immediate response, "You may say or think what +you like, but you don't leave this house to-day as sure as I am your +lawfully wedded Wife." + +And as a matter of fact I didn't! + +(_Signed._) A. BRIEFLESS, JUNIOR. + +_Pump-handle Court._ + + * * * * * + +OPERATIC NOTES. + +[Illustration] + +_Monday_.--To see MADAME ALBANI as _Violetta_ the consumptive +heroine of "_La Traviata_." Charmingly sung and admirably, nay, most +touchingly, acted. MAUREL excellent as _Germont Senior_, and MONTARIOL +quite the weak-minded masher _Alfredo_. What a different turn the +story might have taken had it occurred to _Violetta_ to have a +flirtation with the handsome middle-aged _pere noble_! At one time it +almost seemed as if there had been some change in motive of the Opera +since I last saw it, and that the above original idea was about to +be carried out. But no; in another second _Germont-Maurel_ as "Old +Maurelity" (by kind permission of TOBY, M.P.) had pulled himself +together, and _Albani-Violetta_ was in the depths of remorseful +sorrow. In that gay and festive supper scene, where a physician, +unostentatiously styled _Il Dottore_ (he would probably be _Ill_ +Dottore the morning after) is present to look after the health of the +guests, and perhaps to "propose" it, I noticed with pleasure that, +on the tables, DRURIOLANUS ALDERMANICUS, mindful of civic feasts, had +placed bottles of real champagne, or at least real champagne-bottles. +This interested the audience muchly, and numerous were the glasses +turned in the direction of the bottles--of course 'tis opera-glasses +I mean, yer honour,--in order to ascertain what particular wanity was +_La Traviata's_ favourite; but the bottles were so placed that only +one unimportant word on the label was visible. Was it Pommery '80 +_tres sec_?--Or what was it? Impossible to see: it was not mentioned +in the dialogue, so "Mumm" might have been the word. But at all +events, if the wine is one which requires advertisement, the guests +should be told to be very careful to leave the bottles in the same +position as in the old prefatial stage-directions "the reader of the +play" is supposed to be; i.e., "_on the stage, facing the audience_." + +_Wednesday._--_Rigoletto_. M. MAUREL as the Jester; acting good, voice +too loud. ALBANI, as _Gilda_, overwhelmed with encores. M. MONTARIOL's +_Il Duca_ is _Alfredo_ over again, only confirmed in a vicious career. +To obtain an encore for the great but now hackneyed song, "_La Donna +e mobile_," a wonderful rendering is absolutely essential, and somehow +something seems wanting to the success of _Rigoletto_ when this song +goes for nothing and is passed without a rapturous "_bis, bis!_" which +makes a Manager rub his hands and smilingly say to himself, "Good +bis-ness." + +_Thursday._--_Lohengrin_ I believe, but wasn't there. Hope the Opera +went all right without me. Can't be in more places than one at the +same moment. Same remarks apply to Friday and Saturday. + + * * * * * + +TO MISS ALICE ATHERTON AT THE STRAND THEATRE. + + To see her in _Our Daughters_! worth the money! + She 'ATH ER "TON" so genuinely funny! + Yes, ALICE, in such acting, dance, or song, + We recognise thy talent _et ton_ "_ton_." + + * * * * * + +Of the Modern Bill of Costs, the Ancient "Bill of the Play," +SHAKSPEARE, and the present representative of the Ancient Mariner, +L.C.J. COLERIDGE, both observe, "Oh, reform it altogether!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WHAT OUR FIN-DE-SIECLISTS ARE GROWING TO. + +"OH, OH, OH! CONFOUND IT!" + +"WHAT _IS_ THE MATTER, ALGY?" + +"I JUST LET MY FOOT OUT ON THE STIRRUP, AND THIS BEAST OF A PONY'S +TROD ON MY TOE!"] + + * * * * * + +HYMEN AND CUPID. + +(_FIN-DE-SIECLE VERSION, SOME WAY AFTER MOORE._) + + HYMEN, late, his love-knots selling, + Called at many a maiden's dwelling; + But he found too well they knew him; + None were prompter to pooh-pooh him. + "Who'll buy my love-knots? + Who'll buy my love-knots?" + Soon as that old cry resounded. + How his baskets were surrounded! + + Maidens mocked, with laughter dying, + Those fool-knots of HYMEN's tying; + Dames, who once with him had sided, + Openly his wares derided. + "Who'll buy my love-knots? + Who'll buy my love-knots?" + All at that old cry came flocking, + Mocking in a style quite shocking. + + "Here are knots," said HYMEN, taking + Some loose nooses of Law's making. + "Pooh!" the nymphs cried. "Who can trust 'em? + We have changed your queer old custom. + Who'll buy your love-knots? + Who'll buy your love-knots? + Women they bind not, nor tie men. + You're a helpless gaoler, HYMEN! + + "When the bargain is completed, + We have but to cry, 'We're cheated!' + And you'll find you're sold most sadly. + Love-knots? Fools'-knots! They tie badly. + Who'll buy _your_ love-knots? + Who'll buy _your_ love-knots? + Burdens you would lay our backs on-- + Our reply is--TOLSTOI! JACKSON!" + + HYMEN dropped his torch; its splutter + Was extinguished in the gutter. + "At my torch and crown of roses + These young minxes cock their noses. + Who'll buy my love-knots? + Who'll buy my love-knots?" + What's the use? 'Twixt Law and Passion, + HYMEN's plainly out of fashion! + + LOVE, who saw the whole proceeding, + Would have laughed but for good breeding. + "Best join _me_," he cried, "Old Chappie! + IBSEN read, be free, and happy! + Who'll buy your love-knots? + Who'll buy your love-knots? + Have a spree--all shackles scorning, + Come! We won't go home till morning!'" + + * * * * * + +A BACONIAN THEORY; + +OR, TRYING IT ON. + +SOLOMON isn't in it with Judge BACON. The point was whether Mrs. +MANLEY had made Miss DOROTHY DENE's dresses to fit or not. "To fit or +not to fit, that was the question." The Judge gave his decision after +a fair trial of the two costumes--this might be remembered on both +sides as "the trying-on case,"--that, according to the evidence of +unimpeachable witnesses represented by the Judge's own common-sense +and artistic eye for effect, two of the dresses and a cloak didn't +fit, and that so far, the Defendant, Miss DOROTHY, must consider +herself, in a dress-making sense, "non-suited." Mrs. MANLEY had, of +course, undertaken to provide fits for her customers, and for having +partially failed, her customers determined to return the compliment, +by "giving _her_ fits" if possible. So the parties came before +Judge BACON, and appealed to His Honour. And the learned Judge +mindful of ancestral Baconian wisdom, "_Cast a severe eye upon the +example_"--that is, he examined the dresses most critically,--"_but +a merciful eye upon the person_,"--for the fair Plaintiff and fair +Defendant His Honour showed himself a most fair Judge, unwilling, as +BACON, "to give beans" to either party, and so dismissing them with +his beany-diction. But, _pauca verba_,--and may we always have nothing +but praise to bestow on _Bacon's Essays_. + + * * * * * + +A DISCLAIMER. + +(_BY AN UNIONIST._) + + _I_ "prefer PARNELL"? Oh dear, no! + There is no man I've hated so. + But, since he turned a fierce derider + Of him he calls the "Grand Old Spider;" + Since he has "blown" the Home-Rule "gaff," + And whelmed the Gladstone gang with chaff; + Since he has almost wiped out PIGOTT, + Half justified the Orange bigot; + Proved part of the _Times_' charge at least, + And won the "Hill-men," lost the Priest;-- + Since then--why, hang it, 'tis such fun, + I half forgive him all he's done; + I'll back him, bet on him, and grin; + Give him my vote, and hope he'll win. + But I _prefer_ him? Goodness gracious! + Why _can't_ Gladstonians be veracious? + + * * * * * + +SIR HENRY LOCH'S "STRAIGHT TIP" TO THE INTRUSIVE BOERS IN +MASHONALAND.--"Play us none of your 'treks'!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HYMEN, FIN DE SIECLE. "MAIDENS MOCKED, WITH LAUGHTER +DYING, THOSE FOOL-KNOTS OF HYMEN'S TYING."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MOLTKE in German-style script] + +HELMUTH KARL BERNHARD VON MOLTKE. + +_BORN, OCTOBER 26TH, 1803. DIED, APRIL 24TH_, 1891. + + Strong, silent Soldier, whom the unmarked years + Shaped to such service of the Fatherland + As seldom to one firm, unfailing hand, + A State hath owed; to-day a People's tears + Bedew the most illustrious of biers! + The waning century hastening to its close + Hath scarce a greater on its glory-roll, + Hope of thy land, and terror of its foes; + Of foresight keen, and long-enduring soul! + War's greatness is not greatest; there are heights + Of splendour pure mere warriors scarce may scale, + But thou wert more than battle's scourge and flail, + Calm-souled controller of such Titan fights + As mould man's after-history. When thy star + Shone clear at Koniggraetz, men gazed and knew + The light that heralds the great Lords of War; + And when o'er Sedan thy black Eagles flew + And the bold Frank, betrayed and broken, drew + One shuddering gasp of agony and sank, + When thy long-mustered legions rank on rank + Hemmed the fair, fated City of men's love, + Then thy star culminated, shone above + All but the few fixed beacon-lights, which owned + A new compeer. Long steadfastly enthroned + In German hearts, and all men's reverence, + Suddenly, softly thou art summoned hence, + To the great muster, full of years and fame! + How thinks _he_, lord of a co-equal name, + Thine ancient comrade in war's iron lists, + Just left, and lone, of the Titanic Three + Who led the Eagles on to victory? + Calmest of Captains, first of Strategists. + BISMARCK must bend o'er thy belaurelled bier + With more than common grief in the unbidden tear! + + * * * * * + +JOKIM AND JOHN.--The CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER is following Mr. JOHN +HOLLINGSHEAD's example. The latter started "No fees" for Play-time, +and the former advocates "No fees" for School-time. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A PROP OF THE DRAMA. + +"WHAT, BACK ALREADY, ARCHIE! WAS IT A DULL PIECE, THEN?" + +"DON'T KNOW. DIDN'T STOP TO SEE. JUST LOOKED ROUND STALLS AND BOXES, +AND DIDN'T SEE A SOUL I KNEW!--SO I CAME AWAY."] + + * * * * * + +ROBERT AT THE CHILDREN'S FANCY BALL. + +Well, I've said it afore, and now I says it agane, as I don't bleeve +as sich another both bewtifool and elligant site is to be seen in all +the world, as is to be seen at these anniwersary yearly festivals in +our nobel Egipshun All at the honoured Manshun House. + +Of course I don't no what sort of intertainement was held there when +the aincient Egipshuns had it, or weather they ewer was there at +all--for I ain't much of a hantiquery; but, from what I've seen of +some on 'em at the British Mewseum, I should think as there werry +peculyar style of dress was not much sooted to such occashuns. + +[Illustration] + +I thinks, upon the hole, as the children's dresses on this speshal +ocashun "beat the record," as the runners and jumpers says, both for +illigance and wariety, and, shoud I atemt to describe 'em, where on +airth shoud I begin! But, as I must begin sumwheres, I hopes as I +shan't awake the biling jealousy of all the other mothers present +when I says as I gives the Parm Tree to the two rayther youthfool Beef +Eaters. As for the number of Angels and Fairys, with most lovly wings, +they was so numerus, and so bewtifool, that ewen I, a pore Hed Waiter, +coudn't help the thort, that they was a giving me my first glimpse +of Pairodice. Then again I noticed as the grashus and hansum LADY +MARESS--who I should ha liked to ha seen putting herself at the hed of +them all, and leading em all round the bewtifool All--had most kindly +inwited a few poor creetures, such as nusses, and charity Gals, and +plow boys, and setterer, just to let 'em see what they may sum day cum +to be, if so be as they is all good. + +There was a lot of Hartists a going about makin skitches of the werry +prettiest dresses insted of the werry prettiest faces, as I shood most +suttenly have done. One of 'em wanted for to take my picter, but as +I coudn't bleeve it was for my bewty, and was quite sure it wasn't +for my full heavening dress, and coud therefore ony be for fun, I +respekfully declined. + +It is roomered among us Hed Waiters, that the QUEEN's own Daughter, +which she's a Hempress, has told her son, which he's the HEMPEROR +of GERMANY, and is a comin here next July, that the werry loveliest +site as the Grand Old Copperashun can posserbly show him, will be a +reppytishun of the glorious seen as I seed with my own delited eyes on +Wensdy last. + +ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +"Oh Willow! Willow!" Mr. GRACE's memories of Forty years of Cricket +are full of interest, of enthusiasm, and of good stories. "My Early +Cricket Days" will hugely interest young would-be Willow-wielders. +"Cricketers I have Met" is excellent reading, the Champion being as +generous in appreciation as keen in judgment. On the science of the +game he, of course, speaks as one having authority. THACKERAY said he +never saw a boy without wishing to give him a sovereign. The "Co." for +some time to come will not look on an athletic lad without longing +to give him a copy of "Cricket; by W.G. GRACE." He hopes that lots of +other "dasters" will feel the same yearning, and act upon it. + +One of the "Co." reports that he has been reading a work on +_Decorative Electricity_, by Mrs. J.S.H. GORDON, and a very pretty +and original little book he found it, full of suggestions, ingenious, +fanciful, and practical, all at once--a rare combination. "Those +about to" instal--and most of us will find ourselves in that position, +sooner or later--will gain some invaluable hints and ideas from +this volume, which, in addition to its other merits, is charmingly +illustrated. Before very long we shall all be modern Aladdins, +and summon our Slave of the Lamp as a matter of course. But there +is plenty of scope for imagination in devising the form of his +appearance, notwithstanding, and Mrs. GORDON's book shows us how the +Genius may be compelled to present himself in a variety of pleasing +and fantastic shapes. + +The Baron is of opinion that _The Seal of Fate_, by Lady POLLOCK and +W.H. POLLOCK, is an interesting but somewhat discursive novel. Will it +be followed by _The Fate of the Seal_, a tale of the Fishery Question? + +BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & Co. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LORD RANDOLPH--PAST, PRESENT, AND TO COME-BACK.] + + * * * * * + +UPON AFRIC'S SHORE; + +OR, THE BATTLE OF THE HEROES. + +(_NOT BY THE AUTHOR OF "THE BATTLE OF LIMERICK_.") + + Ye lovers of the nation, + Who burn with indignation, + And England's obfuscation perpetually deplore; + Ye flouters of our factions, + And partisan distractions, + How like ye the transactions upon Afric's shore? + + Ye've all heard of the Lion + Who a rival cast his eye on, + (You'll find him in _Bombastes_) and thought the brute a bore. + Such rival Leos flourish, + And mutual hatred nourish, + With a snapping almost currish, upon Afric's shore. + + Faith their manes are _always_ waving, + And their claws for contest craving, + And their forms are always rampant, and they're ever at full roar, + And in book and morning paper, + They still clapperclaw and caper, + And they worry, snarl and vapour about Afric's shore. + + There was EMIN, sage pacific, + The serene and scientific, + Who a wondrous reputation in a hero-patriot bore, + Until "rescued" by brave STANLEY, + Who declared him weak, unmanly. + Oh! 'tis strange how heroes _can_ lie about Afric's shore. + + Then BARTTELOT and TROUP, + JEPHSON, JAMESON--a group + Who each of each "made soup"--off each other tried to score; + And in many a verjuiced "vollum" + STANLEY's jovial "Rear Column" + Was discussed in manner solemn, anent Afric's shore. + + Then the "foreign element" + To it tooth and nail _they_ went, + And the Battle of the Heroes it grew livelier than before. + Now that man, and now this man, + Now DE BRAZZA and now WISSMANN, + Made it hot for poor Old England upon Afric's shore. + + Now comes PETERS! He has slanged + STANLEY awfully, and banged + The "Rescue" party badly. It is getting a big bore, + When, with tempers hot as Indies, + Heroes smash each other's windies, + Pursuing of their shindies about Afric's shore. + + It is doubtless "moighty fine," + Being what _Titmarsh_ called "a line," + And it does Society's "sowl" good (no doubt) to hear him roar; + But 'tis folly to suppose + He _must_ rush upon his foes, + And hit them on the nose, upon Afric's shore. + + * * * * * + +EARLY CLOSING MOVEMENT.--When Mr. SMITH proposed shutting up shop +early on Tuesdays and Fridays, SIR ROBERT FOWLER was all for singing, +"We won't go home till morning (_three times_), Till daylight doth +appear." But, as _Falstaff_ asks, "What doth gravity out of bed after +midnight?" No, Sir ROBERT, doughty knight, take good advice, and +hie thee, armed _Night-cap-a-pie_, to thy couch. Don't get up till +morning, Till (long after) daylight doth appear! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IBSEN IN BRIXTON. + +_Mrs. Harris_. "YES, WILLIAM, I'VE THOUGHT A DEAL ABOUT IT, AND I FIND +I'M NOTHING BUT YOUR DOLL AND DICKEY-BIRD, AND SO I'M GOING!"] + + * * * * * + +THE PARTY PETER BELL. + + A potterer, Sir, he was by trade, + A Party Potterer, much respected, + And every year, when Spring appeared, + The yellow blooms, to bards endeared, + In swarms by PETER were collected. + + He roved among the vales and streams, + In the green wood and hollow dell, + And, upon April's nineteenth day, + Big buttonholers made display + Upon the heart of PETER BELL. + + In vain through each succeeding year + Did Nature mourn her lessening store. + A Primrose on the river's brim + A Party emblem was to him, + And it was nothing more! + + * * * * * + +DISINFECTING THE WIGS.--"_L'Enfant Prodigue_," which is filling +the Prince of Wales's Theatre day and night, has much in it that is +delightful. Perhaps there is nothing quite excels the subtle touch in +the programme where it is written: "The theatre is disinfected by the +Sanitas Company, Limited. _The Wigs by Clarkson_." + + * * * * * + +CURIOUS, AND "MORE ANON!"--The _Evelyn_ v. _Hurlbert_ trial was as +full of literary interest as a sale of old books and manuscripts. +Specially valuable were copies of _Evelyn's Diary_; while, in spite +of the pressing demand, _Murray's Memoirs_ were uncommonly scarce. +Victorious Mr. HURLBERT! Yet for all his triumph, he will be, for some +time, a "very much Murray'd man." + + * * * * * + +A SAVOY QUESTION.--The general idea of the forthcoming new Opera at +the Savoy appears to be "all Dance to SOLOMON's music." Is it to be +a pantomime-drama, like _L'Enfant Prodigue_, or simply a ballet? If +neither, where do song-words and dialogue come in? + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, April 20_.--The other week T.C. BARING +was sitting among us, one of the Members for the City of London. +Now BARING is no more, and to-night HUCKS GIBBS comes in to take his +place. VICARY G. brought his father down; watched him take oath and +has undertaken generally to see him through. In fact, when GIBBS +_pere_ hesitated about taking the proffered seat for the City, VICARY +undertook to fill it; finally, GIBBS _pere_ being warmly pressed, +consented to sit, and VICARY stood aside. But he will come in +by-and-by, when he has given his father a turn. + +[Illustration: Late Member for the City.] + +"Age before honesty, is my motto," said VICARY, when I complimented +him upon the fine feeling he has shown throughout these negotiations. +"I always think that we young fellows lose nothing by giving our +elders a start. My father, you know, sometime ago wanted to change the +name of our firm. Suggested it should be called SONS & ANTONY GIBBS. +There's something in it; but on the whole, better leave things as they +are. ANTONY GIBBS & SONS known all over the world; always embarrassing +to change style of an old firm; so, for the present, at least, we +leave things alone. Come along, _Pater_; think I'll take you home now. +Never rush wildly into new engagements; you've had the excitement of +being sworn in, and signing the roll of Parliament. You hadn't been +in the place ten minutes before TIM HEALY gave you a chance of voting +on a London City Bill, and that's enough for one night. By-and-by you +shall stay all night and enjoy yourself in Committee on Irish Land +Bill." + +So ANTONY GIBBS AND SON went off before dinner. Didn't miss much; +grinding away at Irish Land Bill; most soul-depressing experience of +modern life; no heart in it; no reality; SAGE of Queen Anne's Gate +brings up amendment after amendment, and makes successive speeches; +SEYMOUR KEAY does ditto; SHAW-LEFEVRE adds new terror to situation +by taking voluminous notes which promise illimitable succession of +orations; House empty; PRINCE ARTHUR has the full length of Treasury +Bench on which to lounge. Occasionally Division-bell rings; Members +troop in by the hundred; follow their leaders into Lobby right or +left, deciding question they haven't heard debated, and mere drift +of which two-thirds don't understand. + +BRER FOX absent to-night, which precludes possibility of flare-up +in Irish Camp. TIM faithful to his post, but lacks inspiration of +contiguity to BRER FOX. + +"PARNELL's played out," said TIM, referring in course of evening to +BRER FOX's reception in his latest run through Ireland. "He may ramp +and roar here, but his game's up in Ireland." + +"And is he resigned to the situation?" I asked. + +TIM looked at me, half winking his miraculously preserved right eye. + +"Did you ever hear, TOBY, what the weeping widow said to the parson, +who asked, 'Was your husband resigned to die?' 'He had ter be,' she +said, choking a sob." + +_Business done._--Very little in the Irish Land Bill. + +_Tuesday._--Mr. G.'s presence at Morning Sitting gave only possible +fillip to interminable Debate on Land Purchase Bill. BRER FOX still +away, so comparative peace reigns in Irish Camp. TIM HEALY no one to +butt his head against; COLONEL NOLAN too busy deploying his army of +five men; showing them how to retreat in good order when Division-bell +rings, and how, when it is decided to vote, they shall pass out +through one door, march in at the other, cross the floor, and look +as much as possible as if they were ten instead of five. T.W. +RUSSELL--"Roaring" RUSSELL, as his old colleague in Temperance fights, +WILFRID LAWSON, calls him--frequently on his legs. At sound of +his voice, Mr. G. gets his back up; interposes interjections and +corrections; and presently, when he can stand it no longer, plunges +into a speech. + +Another time SAUNDERSON draws him. "I am very sorry," said Mr. G., +who has been itching to speak for last half-hour, "that the hon. and +gallant Gentleman has dragged me into debate by gross misstatements." + +Being there, however, Mr. G. enjoys himself passably well, grinding +SAUNDERSON to powder, and hewing RUSSELL to pieces before the Lord +STRATHEDEN AND CAMPBELL, who are sleeping peacefully together in +the Gallery. "Like the Babes in the Wood," said PLUNKET, looking up +smilingly at the face in the Gallery, which looks twice as wise when +asleep as the ordinary man does in full possession of his senses. + +[Illustration: "Roaring" Russell.] + +"I know," Mr. G. continued, in measured accents of polite scorn, "that +the eloquence of the hon. and gallant Gentleman (meaning SAUNDERSON) +is as ungovernable as I am afraid it is sometimes unprofitable. In the +exercise of the understanding which the Almighty has given him, he has +represented me as being a supporter of this Bill." + +Words cannot convey adequate impression of the subtlety of emotion +conveyed by this unwonted, perhaps unprecedented, invocation. An +unmistakeable, though unspoken, indication of mingled feeling--pity +for one so meagrely endowed, and marvel that, out of boundless stores, +the Deity could, even in this instance, have been so chary of gifts. + +_Business done._--Still less in Committee on Irish Land Bill. + +_Thursday._--Rival shows in both Houses to-night. Lords running the +Newfoundland Delegates at the Bar; in the Commons Budget on. On the +whole, Commons drew the fullest House, to which JOKIM descanted for +nearly three hours. If he'd taken two, the speech would have been a +third less long, and three times as successful. Still the Budget comes +but once a year, and CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER feels bound to make +the most of opportunity. Pretty plain sailing for first two hours. +Then JOKIM ran aground. It was General STAMPS that did it all. +Appeared unexpectedly in long list of details setting forth Estimates +for Revenue in coming year. Nobody ever heard before of the General; +thought, at least, he must belong to the Army Estimates. But JOKIM +would have him in, spurs and epaulettes, and all. + +"General STAMPS," he said, regardless of grammar, "have fallen off." +JOKIM, in his loose way, omitted to say off what; presumed to be +his horse. House not sorry to hear it; had enough of the mysterious +warrior. But he was up again a few minutes' later. "General STAMPS," +JOKIM continued, in his airy fashion, "apart from the Death Duties, I +reduce from L6,700,000 to L5,900,000." + +"Better reduce him to the ranks at once," said Admiral FIELD, who is a +terrible martinet. + +But JOKIM took no notice of the suggestion; floundered along, bungling +terribly. Committee tried to help him out; that didn't help matters +much. To have a Member in one part of the House filling up an awkward +pause by suggesting "dried fruit," another "coffee," a third "rum," +and a fourth "probate duty," when after all, JOKIM was thinking of +the Income Tax or General STAMPS, evidently not designed to advance +matters. + +"The Committee knows what I mean," JOKIM said, piteously, looking +round out of a morass a little deeper than he'd been in lately. But +that is exactly what the Committee didn't do. + +"Then," said JOKIM, "you'll understand the figures when you read them +in the papers to-morrow." Something in that; House mollified; still +can't help thinking that if it is to wait till next morning to read +report of Chancellor's Budget Speech in order to understand his +statements, some preliminary time might be saved in the evening. + +_Business done._--Budget brought in. + +_Friday Night._--Missed OLD MORALITY from Treasury Bench; looked in +his room; found him in arm-chair, collapsed, by fire-place, with copy +of _Morning Advertiser_ in his hand. + +"What's the matter?" I asked. "Surely you've not been reading JOKIM's +Budget Speech right through!" He certainly looked as if he had. + +"No, TOBY," he said; "it's not that; it's the Leader. Haven't you seen +what the _Morning Advertiser_ says about me? 'For the first time in +our recollection he (that's me) bears on his political escutcheon a +deep smudge of dishonour': and that's all because JOKIM wouldn't take +a penny off a barrel of beer, and twopence off a gallon of spirits. +It's the injustice I feel most acutely. It doesn't seem fair that Mr. +BUNG should try to intimidate JOKIM by abusing me." + +"It _is_ hard," I said; "but it's no use sitting moping here. Come +along into House; they're in Committee on the Land Bill; an hour or +two of that'll freshen you up." And it did. + +_Business done._--In Committee on the Irish Land Bill. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +100, May 2, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14141.txt or 14141.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/1/4/14141/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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