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diff --git a/old/14141.txt b/old/14141.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e469f24 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14141.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1693 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 100, +May 2, 1891, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 100, May 2, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 24, 2004 [EBook #14141] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 100. + + + +May 2, 1891. + + + + +SONGS OF THE UN-SENTIMENTALIST. + +A DUSTMAN'S SILENT TEAR. + + I know not how that Dustman stirred my ire: + He may have failed to call when due: but he-- + My breast being charged with economic fire,-- + Was mulcted of his customary fee. + I was informed, at first he did not seem + To grasp the cruel sense of what he heard, + But asked, "Wot's this 'ere game?" as if some dream + Of evil portents all his pulses stirred; + Then, muttering, he turned, and went his way + Dejected, broken! I had stopped his beer! + Ah! from that Dustman who, alas! can say + I did not wring a sad and silent tear! + + I thought the matter o'er. I vowed no more, + That I with grief would moisten any eye; + Henceforth, whene'er that Dustman passed my door, + Upon his beer he knew he could rely! + Nay more! For never heeding if my bin + Were full or empty, I that Dustman hailed; + His grateful smile my one desire to win; + I felt I could not help it if I failed. + Twice every week he came,--his twopence drew: + That Dustman seemed to brighten with his beer. + And, if he wept, thank Heaven, at least I knew + With joy, not grief, _he shed his silent tear!_ + + * * * * * + + +LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY. + +[CONTINUED.] + +_Thursday, April 16_.--On looking through my book I find that I am +now a member of ten Billsbury Cricket Clubs, to most of which I am a +Vice-President. Not bad, considering that my average in my last year +at school was four, and that I didn't play more than half-a-dozen +times at Oxford. TOLLAND says there are many more Foot-ball Clubs +than Cricket Clubs--a pleasant prospect for me in the Autumn. Have +also had to subscribe to six Missions of various kinds, four Easter +Monday _Fetes_, six Friendly Societies, three Literary and Scientific +Institutes, five Temperance Associations, four Quoit Clubs, two +Swimming Clubs, seven Sunday Schools, five Church or Chapel Building +Funds, three Ornithological Societies, two Christian Young Men's +Associations, three Children's Free Dinner Funds, one Angling +Association, not to speak of Fire Brigade, Dispensaries, and Brass +Bands. Have also given a Prize to be shot for by Volunteers, as +CHUBSON gives one every year. What with L80 subscription to +the Registration Fund, things are beginning to mount up pretty +considerably. + +[Illustration] + +Have spoken at three meetings since the Mass Meeting. TOLLAND said, +"You needn't refer to Sir THOMAS CHUBSON yourself. Leave our people +to do that. They enjoy that kind of thing, and know how to do it." +They do, indeed. At our last meeting, HOLLEBONE, the Secretary of +the Junior Conservative Club, went on at him for twenty minutes in +proposing resolution of confidence in me. "Sir THOMAS," he said, +"talks of his pledges. The less Sir THOMAS says about them the +better. I can't walk out anywhere in Billsbury for two minutes without +tripping over the broken fragments of some of Sir THOMAS's pledges. +It's getting quite dangerous. Sir THOMAS, they say, made himself. It's +a pity he couldn't put in a little consistency when he was engaged on +the job. We don't want any purse-proud Radical knights to represent +us. We want a straightforward man, who says what he means; and you'll +agree with me, fellow-townsmen, that we've got one in our eloquent and +popular young Candidate." + +This went down very well. Next day, however, the _Meteor_ +"parallel-columned" Sir THOMAS CHUBSON's career and mine. +Mine occupied six lines; Sir THOMAS's "Life of honourable and +self-sacrificing industry" ran to nearly a column. "It will be +observed," said the _Meteor_, "that there is a good deal of blank +space in Mr. PATTLE's comparative career; but this no doubt recommends +him to his Conservative friends, who are quite equal to filling it +brilliantly with their imaginative rhetoric about his chances of +success." + +Primrose Day, the day after to-morrow. We're going to have a great +demonstration at Billsbury. Mother is going down with me to-morrow. + +_April 20th, "George Hotel," Billsbury_.--The Demonstration yesterday +was a splendid success. At ten o'clock in the morning the Conservative +Band marched up to the Hotel and played patriotic airs under the +window. Mother and I drove to the Beaconsfield Club in an open +carriage and pair, escorted by the band. Mother's bonnet was all +primroses, and she carried an immense bouquet of them. _Carlo_ +came with us and sat on the back-seat. His collar was stuck full of +primroses, and small bunches were tied on to the tufts on his back +and at the end of his tail. I wore a buttonhole of primroses, and +carried a huge primrose wreath to be placed round the bust of LORD +BEACONSFIELD, which stands in the hall of the Club. The coachman and +horses too were all tricked out with bunches. TOLLAND and CHORKLE, +and all the leaders of the Party, met us at the entrance of the Club, +and the ceremony of depositing the flowers all round the bust began. +CHORKLE, who once shook hands with DIZZY in the lobby of the House, +made a great speech, mostly composed of personal reminiscences of our +great departed leader. (By the way CHORKLE has six children, five +of them being sons, whose names are BENJAMIN DISRAELI CHORKLE, CECIL +SALISBURY CHORKLE, STRAFFORD THOROUGH CHORKLE, HOBBES LEVIATHAN +CHORKLE, and RANDOLPH CHURCHILL CHORKLE.) The sixth, eighteen months +old, is a girl. Her name is WILLIAMINA HENRIETTA SMITH CHORKLE. They +were all present, covered with primroses. I added a few words about +the inspiring effect that the contemplation of LORD BEACONSFIELD's +career must have upon the youth of the country. Mother's bouquet kept +falling off the place she had put it on, and two or three enthusiasts +always dashed forward to pick it up, causing a good many collisions. +In the middle of my speech, _Carlo_ walked into the centre of the +hall, sat down and proceeded to gnaw off the primroses which had been +tied to his tail. He then ate them all solemnly, and after that rolled +over on his back with his paws stuck straight out, pretending he was +dead. I must tell Mother not to bring that dog again. There was a +great banquet in the evening. VULLIAMY came down for it and spoke very +kindly about me in his speech. Said he had followed my career with +profound interest and pleasure from my earliest years. I've only known +him a year. + + * * * * * + +NOTHING LIKE DISCIPLINE! + +(_EXTRACT FROM THE DIARY OF_ PRIVATE ATKINS, _PRINCE'S COMPANY, 4TH +BATTALION, H.M.'S GUZZLEBEER GUARDS._) + +_Monday_.--Joined the Regiment. Appeared on Parade, and was requested +to come to "attention," although the Sergeant _must_ have seen that I +was "standing at ease." Expressed a desire that the Commanding-officer +should rectify the mistake, when all ended amicably. Sergeant +apologised, and promised that it should not occur again. Satisfied. +Both Sergeant and Commanding-officer well up in their duties! + +[Illustration] + +_Tuesday_.--Bugle sounded too early for Assembly. Sent a message to +the Adjutant by his orderly (with my compliments) saying that I would +feel much obliged if the Parade were postponed an hour. Adjutant +returned _his_ compliments, with a request that I would give in +writing my reason for desiring a delay. Explained (by word of mouth) +that I wanted to read the newspapers. Parade consequently postponed as +requested. Obliging chap the Adjutant! + +_Wednesday_.--Warned for Guard. Sent for the Major of my +half-battalion (don't like bothering the Commanding-officer about +every trifle), and explained that, although the Surgeon had seen me, +and reported me fit, I had a presentiment that the easterly winds +would play the very mischief with me if I went "Sentry Go." Major +thought, perhaps it would be better if I were struck off duty. Excused +Guard in consequence. Good sort Major of my half-battalion! + +_Thursday_.--Sorry to find rations very unsatisfactory. Complained +to the Officer of the day, who reported the matter to the Captain. +Captain said he would have asked the entire company to dine with him +at his Club had he not been engaged. He then passed us on to his +Subs. The latter most obligingly gave us some food at a Restaurant. +_Chateaubriand_ excellent, _Sole a la Normande_ decent, but _Potage a +la bisque_ too rich. Mistake to order the latter, as one can never get +it _really_ good, except on the Continent. Wine tol-lol. Pol Royer of +'84. However, spent a very pleasant evening. Both Subs, when you know +them, not half bad fellows! + +_Friday_.--Rather a head, and felt generally out of sorts. Warned for +Kit-inspection. Couldn't stand this, so called upon General Commanding +District. Not at home, but was asked would I see his _locum tenens_? +Replied in the negative, as I don't believe in go-betweens. Didn't +return to barracks, as I thought I might get a breath of sea-air at +Southend. + +_Saturday_.--Arrested and conveyed to the Guard-room. Suppose I +shall be released with a caution. At any rate, for the present, diary +confiscated. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE GARDEN OF SLEEP; + +OR, "PUT THAT IN YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT!" + +_Miss India_. "EVICT ME? WITH PLEASURE, SAHIB. BUT HOW ABOUT +'COMPENSATION FOR DISTURBANCE?'"] + + * * * * * + + In the heart of fair Ind, which JOHN BULL hopes to keep, + Trade planted a Garden--a Garden of Sleep; + 'Neath the hot Eastern sky--in the place of good corn-- + It is there that the baneful white Poppy is born,-- + Chinese Johnny's desire, lending dreams of delight, + Which are his when the poppy-juice cometh in sight. + Oh! the Mart hath no heart, and Trade laugheth to scorn + The plea of friend PEASE, where the Poppies are born. + + In this Garden of Sleep, where white Poppies are spread, + Fair INDIA plucketh the opiate head. + JOHN BULL says. "My dear, PEASE's tales make me creep. + He swears it, fills graves with 'pigtails,' who seek sleep!" + Fair INDIA replies, "That may possibly be; + But they Revenue bring, some Six Millions, you see! + Turn me out if you will, smash the Trade if you must; + But--you'll make up the money somehow, Sir, I trust!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WANTED--A LOCAL HABITATION. + +(_Commended by Mr. Punch to the Patrons of British Art._) + +_English Art_ (_to Sir James L-nt-n, Messrs. T-te and Agn-w_), "NOW, +GENTLEMEN, THE GOVERNMENT HAS GIVEN THE SITE FOR MY HOUSE,--IT ONLY +REMAINS FOR YOU TO BUILD IT." + +[The CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER announced that the Government had +assigned a site for the new Gallery of Modern Art, as he thought it +would be unwise to risk the failure of the gift of L80,000 which had +been offered to erect a building.]] + + * * * * * + +SOMEBODY'S LUGGAGE. + +In view of the intense public excitement aroused by the statement that +Lord RANDOLPH CHURCHILL, in his expedition to Mashonaland, is only +going to take two books with him--SHAKSPEARE and MOLIERE--an Inquiring +Correspondent has recently written to several eminent persons on this +subject, and has received--so he says--the following replies:-- + +SIR,--You ask me what books I should take if I were contemplating +a visit to the Dark Continent, like Lord RANDOLPH CHURCHILL. +The question, in the abstract, and without reference to my own +personality, is an interesting one, and no doubt human fallibility +would, in the case you suppose, induce me to take several volumes of +my own _Gleanings_ with me,--not so much for their intrinsic merits, +as because perhaps they might form a new kind of literature for native +African potentates. HOMER, too, _of course_. At my time of life, +however, I must be excused from grappling with any new Continents, +dark or otherwise. I find that Ireland is quite dark enough for me +just now. Excuse a card. Yours, W.E. GL-DST-NE. + +SIR,--As I am not "contemplating an expedition to the Dark Continent," +and have no sympathy with Hottentots, there seems to be no sufficient +reason for my answering your questions, or for your asking them. +S-L-SB-RY. + +SIR,--Your question is ridiculous. The only books worth taking to +Africa, or anywhere else, would be a bound copy of last year's +_Review of Reviews_, GENERAL BOOTH's epoch-making volume, and--this +is indispensable--SIR C. D-LKE's invaluable _Problems of Greater +Britain._ When I went to Rome, I naturally took with me the "hundred +best books in the world." They were a little heavy, but I thought +the POPE would like to see them. However, circumstances prevented my +presenting them to His Holiness. Yours, W.T. ST-D. + +SIR,--I don't know much about books. I've just written rather a good +one on _Cricket_, and I think if I were going to Africa I should take +a supply. From all I've heard of TIPPOO TIB, I should think he would +enjoy the game; at any rate TIPPOO ought to be able to master tip and +run without much difficulty. W.G. GR-CE. + +SIR,--Having consulted my relatives--also CAPTAIN M-L-SW-RTH--as +to whether there would be any impropriety in giving a reply to your +questions, I am happy to say that they seem to think there would be +none, but that on the contrary it might even assist the takings at the +Aquarium. I may therefore mention that if I were proceeding to Central +Africa there is _only one book_ I should dream of taking with me. That +would be a copy of the Proceedings of the London County Council, since +the joyful date of its advent on this planet. Yours obediently, Z-o. + +SIR,--The one book I should take with me to Africa would be DR. +PETERS' recent valuable work--_More Light on Dark Africa_. I should +give it to the Dwarfs. It would make capital poisoned arrows. H.M. +ST-NL-Y. + +SIR,--The only book worth thinking about for such an expedition as +you mention would be STANLEY's _In Darkest Africa_. Its Maps would be +invaluable,--as presents for a rival explorer, whom one might desire +to mislead as to his route. CARL P-T-RS. + + * * * * * + +MR. HERKOMER AND MR. PENNELL. + +PROFESSOR HERKOMER defends the use of Photography for the engraver's +purposes, and clearly thinks that what TENNYSON ought to have written, +in _Locksley Hall_, was-- + +"And the thoughts of men are widened by a Process of the Sun's." + +He also comforts himself with the reflection that being called over +the coals in the _National Observer_, is one of the PENNELL-ties of +success. + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S POCKET IBSEN. + +(_CONDENSED AND REVISED VERSION BY MR. P.'S OWN HARMLESS IBSENITE_.) + +NO. III.--HEDDA GABLER. + +ACT II. + + SCENE--_The cheerful dark Drawing-room. It is afternoon. + HEDDA stands loading a revolver in the back Drawing-room._ + +_Hedda_ (_looking out, and shouting_). How do you do, Judge? (_Aims at +him._) Mind yourself! [_She fires._ + +_Brack_ (_entering_). What the devil! Do you usually take pot-shots at +casual visitors? [_Annoyed._ + +_Hedda_. Invariably, when they come by the back-garden. It is my +unconventional way of intimating that I am at home. One does do these +things in realistic dramas, you know. And I was only aiming at the +blue sky. + +_Brack_. Which accounts for the condition of my hat. (_Exhibiting +it._) Look here--_riddled_! + +_Hedda_. Couldn't help myself. I am so horribly bored with TESMAN. +Everlastingly to be with a professional person! + +_Brack_ (_sympathetically_). Our excellent TESMAN is certainly a bit +of a bore. (_Looks searchingly at her_.) What on earth made you marry +him? + +_Hedda_. Tired of dancing, my dear, that's all. And then I used TESMAN +to take me home from parties; and we saw this villa; and I said I +liked it, and so did he; and so we found some common ground, and here +we are, do you see! And I loathe TESMAN, and I don't even like the +villa now; and I do feel the want of an entertaining companion so! + +[Illustration: "I am a Norwegian literary man, and peculiar."] + +_Brack_. Try me. Just the kind of three-cornered arrangement that +I like. Let me be the third person in the +compartment--(_confidentially_)--the tried friend, and, generally +speaking, cock of the walk! + +_Hedda_ (_audibly drawing in her breath_). I cannot resist your +polished way of putting things. We will conclude a triple alliance. +But hush!--here comes TESMAN. + + [_Enter GEORGE, with a number of books under his arm._ + +_George_. Puff! I _am_ hot, HEDDA. I've been looking into LOeVBORG's +new book. Wonderfully thoughtful--confound him! But I must go and +dress for your party, Judge. [_He goes out._ + +_Hedda_. I wish I could get TESMAN to take to politics, Judge. +Couldn't he be a Cabinet Minister, or something? + +_Brack_. H'm! + + [_A short pause; both look at one another, without speaking. + Enter GEORGE, in evening dress, with gloves._ + +_George_. It is afternoon, and your party is at half-past seven--but I +like to dress early. Fancy that! And I am expecting LOeVBORG. + + [_EJLERT LOeVBORG comes in from the hall; he is worn and pale, + with red patches on his cheek-bones, and wears an elegant + perfectly new visiting-suit, and black gloves._ + +_George_. Welcome! (_Introduces him to BRACK._) Listen--I have got +your new book, but I haven't read it through yet. + +_Loevborg_. You needn't--it's rubbish. (_Takes a packet of MSS. out._) +This _isn't_. It's in three parts; the first about the civilising +forces of the future, the second about the future of the civilising +forces, and the third about the forces of the future civilisation. I +thought I'd read you a little of it this evening? + +_Brack and George_ (_hastily_). Awfully nice of you--but there's a +little party this evening--so sorry we can't stop! Won't you come too? + +_Hedda_. No, he must stop and read it to me and Mrs. ELVSTED instead. + +_George_. It would never have occurred to me to think of such clever +things! Are you going to oppose me for the Professorship, eh? + +_Loevborg_ (_modestly_). No; I shall only triumph over you in the +popular judgment--that's all! + +_George_. Oh, is that all? Fancy! Let us go into the back drawing-room +and drink cold punch. + +_Loevborg_. Thanks--but I am a reformed character, and have renounced +cold punch--it is poison. + + [_GEORGE and BRACK go into the back-room and drink punch, + whilst HEDDA shows LOeVBORG a photograph album in the front._ + +_Loevborg_ (_slowly, in a low tone_). HEDDA GABLER! how _could_ you +throw yourself away like this!--Oh, is _that_ the ORTLER Group? +Beautiful!--Have you forgotten how we used to sit on the settee +together behind an illustrated paper, and--yes, very picturesque +peaks--I told you all about how I had been on the loose? + +_Hedda_. Now, none of that, here! These are the Dolomites.--Yes, I +remember; it was a beautiful fascinating Norwegian intimacy--but +it's over now. See, we spent a night in that little mountain village, +TESMAN and I! + +_Loevborg_. Did you, indeed? Do you remember that delicious moment when +you threatened to shoot me down--(_tenderly_)--I do! + +_Hedda_ (_carelessly_). Did I? I have done that to so many people. But +now all that is past, and you have found the loveliest consolation +in dear, good, little Mrs. ELVSTED--ah, here she is! (_Enter_ Mrs. +ELVSTED.) Now, THEA, sit down and drink up a good glass of cold punch. +Mr. LOeVBORG is going to have some. If you don't, Mr. LOeVBORG, GEORGE +and the Judge will think you are afraid of taking too much if you once +begin. + +_Mrs. E._ Oh, please, HEDDA! When I've inspired Mr. LOeVBORG so--good +gracious! _don't_ make him drink cold punch! + +_Hedda_. You see, Mr. LOeVBORG, our dear little friend can't _trust_ +you! + +_Loevborg_. So _that_ is my comrade's faith in me! (_Gloomily._) _I_'ll +show her if I am to be trusted or not. (_He drinks a glass of punch_.) +Now I'll go to the Judge's party. I'll have another glass first. +Your health, THEA! So you came up to spy on me, eh? I'll drink the +Sheriff's health--_everybody's_ health! + + [_He tries to get more punch._ + +_Hedda_ (_stopping him_). No more now. You are going to a party, +remember. [GEORGE _and_ TESMAN _come in from back-room._ + +_Loevborg._ Don't be angry, THEA. I was fallen for a moment. Now I'm up +again! (Mrs. E. _beams with delight_). Judge, I'll come to your party, +as you _are_ so pressing, and I'll read GEORGE my manuscript all the +evening. I'll do all in _my_ power to make that party go! + +_George_. No? fancy! that _will_ be amusing! + +_Hedda_. There, go away, you wild rollicking creatures! But Mr. +LOeVBORG must be back at ten, to take dear THEA home! + +_Mrs. E._ Oh, goodness, yes! (_In concealed agony._) Mr. LOeVBORG, I +shan't go away till you do! + + [_The three men go out laughing merrily; the Act-drop is + lowered for a minute; when it is raised, it is 7 A.M., and + Mrs. ELVSTED and HEDDA are discovered sitting up, with rugs + around them._ + +_Mrs. E._ (_wearily_). Seven in the morning, and Mr. LOeVBORG not here +to take me home _yet_! what _can_ he be doing? + +_Hedda_ (_yawning_). Reading to TESMAN, with vine-leaves in his hair, +I suppose. Perhaps he has got to the third part. + +_Mrs. E._ Oh, do you _really_ think so, HEDDA? Oh, if I could but hope +he was doing that! + +_Hedda_. You silly little ninny! I should like to scorch your hair +off. Go to bed! [Mrs. E. _goes. Enter_ GEORGE. + +_George_. I'm a little late, eh? But we made _such_ a night of it. +Fancy! It was most amusing. EJLERT read his book to me--think of that! +Astonishing book! Oh, we really had great fun! I wish _I'd_ written +it. Pity he's so irreclaimable. + +_Hedda_. I suppose you mean he has more of the courage of life than +most people? + +_George_. Good Lord! He had the courage to get more drunk than +most people. But, altogether, it was what you might almost call a +Bacchanalian orgy. We finished up by going to have early coffee with +some of these jolly chaps, and poor old LOeVBORG dropped his precious +manuscript in the mud, and I picked it up--and here it is! Fancy +if anything were to happen to it! He never could write it again. +_Wouldn't_ it be sad, eh? Don't tell anyone about it. + + [_He leaves the packet of MSS. on a chair, and rushes out; + HEDDA hides the packet as BRACK enters._ + +_Brack_. _Another_ early call, you see! My party was such a singularly +animated _soiree_ that I haven't undressed all night. Oh, it was +the liveliest affair conceivable! And, like a true Norwegian host, +I tracked LOeVBORG home; and it is only my duty, as a friend of the +house, and cock of the walk, to take the first opportunity of telling +you that he finished up the evening by coming to mere loggerheads with +a red-haired opera-singer, and being taken off to the police-station! +You mustn't have him here any more. Remember our little triple +alliance! + +_Hedda_ (_her smile fading away_). You are certainly a dangerous +person--but you must not get a hold over me! + +_Brack_ (_ambiguously_). What an idea! But I might--I am an +insinuating dog. Good morning! [_Goes out._ + +_Loevborg_ (_bursting in, confused and excited_). I suppose you've +heard where _I've_ been? + +_Hedda_ (_evasively_). I heard you had a very jolly party at Judge +BRACK's. [Mrs. ELVSTED _comes in._ + +_Loevborg_. It's all over. I don't mean to do any more work. I've no +use for a companion now, THEA. Go home to your Sheriff! + +_Mrs. E._ (_agitated_). Never! I want to be with you when your book +comes out! + +_Loevborg_. It won't _come_ out--I've torn it up! (_Mrs. E. rushes out, +wringing her hands_.) Mrs. TESMAN, I told her a lie--but no matter. +I haven't torn my book up--I've done worse! I've taken it about to +several parties, and it's been through a police-row with me--now I've +lost it. Even if I found it again, it wouldn't be the same--not to me! +I am a Norwegian literary man, and peculiar. So I must make an end of +it altogether! + +_Hedda_. Quite so--but look here, you must do it beautifully. I +don't insist on your putting vine-leaves in your hair--but do it +beautifully. (_Fetches pistol._) See, here is one of General GABLER's +pistols--do it with _that_! + +_Loevborg._ Thanks! + + [_He takes the pistol, and goes out through the hall-door; + as soon as he has gone, HEDDA brings out the manuscript, and + puts it on the fire, whispering to herself, as Curtain falls._ + + * * * * * + +CAN A MAN IMPRISON HIS WIFE? + +(_AN AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL CONSIDERATION OF THE QUESTION, BY AN EMINENT +LEGAL AUTHORITY._) + +[Illustration: Summing Up.] + +It may be remembered that (I trust) in deserved acknowledgment of +my professional pre-eminence, I received, some little while ago, +the appointment of a Deputy-Assistant-Revising-Barristership. In +performing the duties of this important office, I sometimes have to +incur bodily risk--the more especially when I have to distinguish +between the rival claims of the political parties that I am sorry +to say have made Lambville-cum-Minton the antithesis of heaven upon +earth. On the occasion to which I particularly wish to refer, I was +accompanied by my Wife, to my secret annoyance, as I am afraid the +Lady who does me the honour to share my name is unduly apprehensive of +my safety, and, besides this general plea, I had yet another special +reason for desiring her absence. To tell the truth, I had been greatly +moved by a decision given in the Court of Appeal, whereby it seemed to +me (and no doubt to many of my learned friends) the custody of a wife +by her husband had become an empty phrase, signifying nothing. I felt +that if, by any means, I could get this judgment set aside, I would +not only confer upon myself, as a married man, a signal benefit, but, +moreover, as a Counsel, obtain increased professional distinction. +However, I was embarrassed by the presence of my Wife, when I came +to consider the best mode in which marital authority might be +assumed to raise the question of the right of _habeas corpus_. I +had returned to my room before the opening of the Registration +Court at Lambville-cum-Minton, in rather a disturbed frame of mind. +Truth to tell, my Wife, having learned that political feeling +was rising so high in the town that it was possible that the +Deputy-Assistant-Revising-Barrister might be assaulted by either or +both of the rival factions, had done her best to dissuade me from +taking my customary seat. + +"What shall I do, to say nothing of the darling children, if you are +brought home on a hurdle?" she sobbed out. + +I assured her that there was a very remote risk of my succumbing to +such a fate, as the conveyance home on a hurdle raised the presumption +that the victim had been hunting, a sport in which I seldom, I may +say, never indulged. But this explanation did not reassure her, +and she left me in tears. Her emotion caused me much pain, the more +especially as my proposed task seemed to me, under the circumstances, +a species of domestic treason. However, I hardened my heart, and sat +down to consider the facts of the case. To allow the right of seizure +to be argued, it would be necessary to take my Wife out of the custody +of someone other than myself. Her mother, a most estimable old lady, +with whom I have had many a pleasant and exciting game of backgammon, +seemed a right and proper person to assist me in carrying out my +project. But the objection immediately occurred to me that it would +be an exceedingly difficult matter to induce her to hold my Wife from +me unless I desired her to take such a course. But if I made this +request, would not the proceeding savour of collusion? To meet this +obstacle I came to the conclusion that I might get my Wife to pay +a visit to her mother, and then, appropriately disguised, seize and +carry her off. By locking her in the conveyance and riding on the box, +I could preserve my incognito until reaching home, and then I might +confine her in her own room with assumed harshness, and possibly (of +this I had some doubt) get her to complain of her imprisonment. By +keeping my Wife's domicile a close secret, her mother would be induced +to visit me to ask my professional assistance in recovering her +daughter. Thus approached it would be possible to so advise the old +lady that in the result she would demand my Wife's presence in Court +under a writ of _habeas corpus_. Then would come my opportunity. +Of course I would produce my Wife, and having carefully prepared my +arguments, would deliver an oration that would fill columns of the +newspapers, and hand down my name to generations to come as _the_ +authority on marital rights. I saw in the near future wealth and +restored domestic happiness. But the first thing to do was to lock +up my Wife. And at this point it occurred to me that it was time for +me to walk over to the Revision Court. I hastily gathered certain +necessary articles into my brief-bag, and putting on my hat, grasped +the handle of the door. To my surprise I found that I could obtain no +egress. I rang the bell--and instead of a servant my Wife answered the +summons. "The door is locked, dear," I observed, "and as the key seems +to be on the other side, will you kindly open it, as I am in a hurry +to be off." + +"You will stay where you are," was the reply. "You are not going to +get killed by attending a nonsensical Revision Court." + +"But I must go," I explained; and then assuming a tone of authority I +rarely adopt, I added, "and you will be good enough to open the door +at once." + +"I shall do nothing of the sort," replied my Wife, calmly. "I locked +you in, and I shan't let you out." + +"What, Madam," I exclaimed; "do you defy my authority?" + +"Certainly!" was the immediate response, "You may say or think what +you like, but you don't leave this house to-day as sure as I am your +lawfully wedded Wife." + +And as a matter of fact I didn't! + +(_Signed._) A. BRIEFLESS, JUNIOR. + +_Pump-handle Court._ + + * * * * * + +OPERATIC NOTES. + +[Illustration] + +_Monday_.--To see MADAME ALBANI as _Violetta_ the consumptive +heroine of "_La Traviata_." Charmingly sung and admirably, nay, most +touchingly, acted. MAUREL excellent as _Germont Senior_, and MONTARIOL +quite the weak-minded masher _Alfredo_. What a different turn the +story might have taken had it occurred to _Violetta_ to have a +flirtation with the handsome middle-aged _pere noble_! At one time it +almost seemed as if there had been some change in motive of the Opera +since I last saw it, and that the above original idea was about to +be carried out. But no; in another second _Germont-Maurel_ as "Old +Maurelity" (by kind permission of TOBY, M.P.) had pulled himself +together, and _Albani-Violetta_ was in the depths of remorseful +sorrow. In that gay and festive supper scene, where a physician, +unostentatiously styled _Il Dottore_ (he would probably be _Ill_ +Dottore the morning after) is present to look after the health of the +guests, and perhaps to "propose" it, I noticed with pleasure that, +on the tables, DRURIOLANUS ALDERMANICUS, mindful of civic feasts, had +placed bottles of real champagne, or at least real champagne-bottles. +This interested the audience muchly, and numerous were the glasses +turned in the direction of the bottles--of course 'tis opera-glasses +I mean, yer honour,--in order to ascertain what particular wanity was +_La Traviata's_ favourite; but the bottles were so placed that only +one unimportant word on the label was visible. Was it Pommery '80 +_tres sec_?--Or what was it? Impossible to see: it was not mentioned +in the dialogue, so "Mumm" might have been the word. But at all +events, if the wine is one which requires advertisement, the guests +should be told to be very careful to leave the bottles in the same +position as in the old prefatial stage-directions "the reader of the +play" is supposed to be; i.e., "_on the stage, facing the audience_." + +_Wednesday._--_Rigoletto_. M. MAUREL as the Jester; acting good, voice +too loud. ALBANI, as _Gilda_, overwhelmed with encores. M. MONTARIOL's +_Il Duca_ is _Alfredo_ over again, only confirmed in a vicious career. +To obtain an encore for the great but now hackneyed song, "_La Donna +e mobile_," a wonderful rendering is absolutely essential, and somehow +something seems wanting to the success of _Rigoletto_ when this song +goes for nothing and is passed without a rapturous "_bis, bis!_" which +makes a Manager rub his hands and smilingly say to himself, "Good +bis-ness." + +_Thursday._--_Lohengrin_ I believe, but wasn't there. Hope the Opera +went all right without me. Can't be in more places than one at the +same moment. Same remarks apply to Friday and Saturday. + + * * * * * + +TO MISS ALICE ATHERTON AT THE STRAND THEATRE. + + To see her in _Our Daughters_! worth the money! + She 'ATH ER "TON" so genuinely funny! + Yes, ALICE, in such acting, dance, or song, + We recognise thy talent _et ton_ "_ton_." + + * * * * * + +Of the Modern Bill of Costs, the Ancient "Bill of the Play," +SHAKSPEARE, and the present representative of the Ancient Mariner, +L.C.J. COLERIDGE, both observe, "Oh, reform it altogether!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WHAT OUR FIN-DE-SIECLISTS ARE GROWING TO. + +"OH, OH, OH! CONFOUND IT!" + +"WHAT _IS_ THE MATTER, ALGY?" + +"I JUST LET MY FOOT OUT ON THE STIRRUP, AND THIS BEAST OF A PONY'S +TROD ON MY TOE!"] + + * * * * * + +HYMEN AND CUPID. + +(_FIN-DE-SIECLE VERSION, SOME WAY AFTER MOORE._) + + HYMEN, late, his love-knots selling, + Called at many a maiden's dwelling; + But he found too well they knew him; + None were prompter to pooh-pooh him. + "Who'll buy my love-knots? + Who'll buy my love-knots?" + Soon as that old cry resounded. + How his baskets were surrounded! + + Maidens mocked, with laughter dying, + Those fool-knots of HYMEN's tying; + Dames, who once with him had sided, + Openly his wares derided. + "Who'll buy my love-knots? + Who'll buy my love-knots?" + All at that old cry came flocking, + Mocking in a style quite shocking. + + "Here are knots," said HYMEN, taking + Some loose nooses of Law's making. + "Pooh!" the nymphs cried. "Who can trust 'em? + We have changed your queer old custom. + Who'll buy your love-knots? + Who'll buy your love-knots? + Women they bind not, nor tie men. + You're a helpless gaoler, HYMEN! + + "When the bargain is completed, + We have but to cry, 'We're cheated!' + And you'll find you're sold most sadly. + Love-knots? Fools'-knots! They tie badly. + Who'll buy _your_ love-knots? + Who'll buy _your_ love-knots? + Burdens you would lay our backs on-- + Our reply is--TOLSTOI! JACKSON!" + + HYMEN dropped his torch; its splutter + Was extinguished in the gutter. + "At my torch and crown of roses + These young minxes cock their noses. + Who'll buy my love-knots? + Who'll buy my love-knots?" + What's the use? 'Twixt Law and Passion, + HYMEN's plainly out of fashion! + + LOVE, who saw the whole proceeding, + Would have laughed but for good breeding. + "Best join _me_," he cried, "Old Chappie! + IBSEN read, be free, and happy! + Who'll buy your love-knots? + Who'll buy your love-knots? + Have a spree--all shackles scorning, + Come! We won't go home till morning!'" + + * * * * * + +A BACONIAN THEORY; + +OR, TRYING IT ON. + +SOLOMON isn't in it with Judge BACON. The point was whether Mrs. +MANLEY had made Miss DOROTHY DENE's dresses to fit or not. "To fit or +not to fit, that was the question." The Judge gave his decision after +a fair trial of the two costumes--this might be remembered on both +sides as "the trying-on case,"--that, according to the evidence of +unimpeachable witnesses represented by the Judge's own common-sense +and artistic eye for effect, two of the dresses and a cloak didn't +fit, and that so far, the Defendant, Miss DOROTHY, must consider +herself, in a dress-making sense, "non-suited." Mrs. MANLEY had, of +course, undertaken to provide fits for her customers, and for having +partially failed, her customers determined to return the compliment, +by "giving _her_ fits" if possible. So the parties came before +Judge BACON, and appealed to His Honour. And the learned Judge +mindful of ancestral Baconian wisdom, "_Cast a severe eye upon the +example_"--that is, he examined the dresses most critically,--"_but +a merciful eye upon the person_,"--for the fair Plaintiff and fair +Defendant His Honour showed himself a most fair Judge, unwilling, as +BACON, "to give beans" to either party, and so dismissing them with +his beany-diction. But, _pauca verba_,--and may we always have nothing +but praise to bestow on _Bacon's Essays_. + + * * * * * + +A DISCLAIMER. + +(_BY AN UNIONIST._) + + _I_ "prefer PARNELL"? Oh dear, no! + There is no man I've hated so. + But, since he turned a fierce derider + Of him he calls the "Grand Old Spider;" + Since he has "blown" the Home-Rule "gaff," + And whelmed the Gladstone gang with chaff; + Since he has almost wiped out PIGOTT, + Half justified the Orange bigot; + Proved part of the _Times_' charge at least, + And won the "Hill-men," lost the Priest;-- + Since then--why, hang it, 'tis such fun, + I half forgive him all he's done; + I'll back him, bet on him, and grin; + Give him my vote, and hope he'll win. + But I _prefer_ him? Goodness gracious! + Why _can't_ Gladstonians be veracious? + + * * * * * + +SIR HENRY LOCH'S "STRAIGHT TIP" TO THE INTRUSIVE BOERS IN +MASHONALAND.--"Play us none of your 'treks'!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HYMEN, FIN DE SIECLE. "MAIDENS MOCKED, WITH LAUGHTER +DYING, THOSE FOOL-KNOTS OF HYMEN'S TYING."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MOLTKE in German-style script] + +HELMUTH KARL BERNHARD VON MOLTKE. + +_BORN, OCTOBER 26TH, 1803. DIED, APRIL 24TH_, 1891. + + Strong, silent Soldier, whom the unmarked years + Shaped to such service of the Fatherland + As seldom to one firm, unfailing hand, + A State hath owed; to-day a People's tears + Bedew the most illustrious of biers! + The waning century hastening to its close + Hath scarce a greater on its glory-roll, + Hope of thy land, and terror of its foes; + Of foresight keen, and long-enduring soul! + War's greatness is not greatest; there are heights + Of splendour pure mere warriors scarce may scale, + But thou wert more than battle's scourge and flail, + Calm-souled controller of such Titan fights + As mould man's after-history. When thy star + Shone clear at Koniggraetz, men gazed and knew + The light that heralds the great Lords of War; + And when o'er Sedan thy black Eagles flew + And the bold Frank, betrayed and broken, drew + One shuddering gasp of agony and sank, + When thy long-mustered legions rank on rank + Hemmed the fair, fated City of men's love, + Then thy star culminated, shone above + All but the few fixed beacon-lights, which owned + A new compeer. Long steadfastly enthroned + In German hearts, and all men's reverence, + Suddenly, softly thou art summoned hence, + To the great muster, full of years and fame! + How thinks _he_, lord of a co-equal name, + Thine ancient comrade in war's iron lists, + Just left, and lone, of the Titanic Three + Who led the Eagles on to victory? + Calmest of Captains, first of Strategists. + BISMARCK must bend o'er thy belaurelled bier + With more than common grief in the unbidden tear! + + * * * * * + +JOKIM AND JOHN.--The CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER is following Mr. JOHN +HOLLINGSHEAD's example. The latter started "No fees" for Play-time, +and the former advocates "No fees" for School-time. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A PROP OF THE DRAMA. + +"WHAT, BACK ALREADY, ARCHIE! WAS IT A DULL PIECE, THEN?" + +"DON'T KNOW. DIDN'T STOP TO SEE. JUST LOOKED ROUND STALLS AND BOXES, +AND DIDN'T SEE A SOUL I KNEW!--SO I CAME AWAY."] + + * * * * * + +ROBERT AT THE CHILDREN'S FANCY BALL. + +Well, I've said it afore, and now I says it agane, as I don't bleeve +as sich another both bewtifool and elligant site is to be seen in all +the world, as is to be seen at these anniwersary yearly festivals in +our nobel Egipshun All at the honoured Manshun House. + +Of course I don't no what sort of intertainement was held there when +the aincient Egipshuns had it, or weather they ewer was there at +all--for I ain't much of a hantiquery; but, from what I've seen of +some on 'em at the British Mewseum, I should think as there werry +peculyar style of dress was not much sooted to such occashuns. + +[Illustration] + +I thinks, upon the hole, as the children's dresses on this speshal +ocashun "beat the record," as the runners and jumpers says, both for +illigance and wariety, and, shoud I atemt to describe 'em, where on +airth shoud I begin! But, as I must begin sumwheres, I hopes as I +shan't awake the biling jealousy of all the other mothers present +when I says as I gives the Parm Tree to the two rayther youthfool Beef +Eaters. As for the number of Angels and Fairys, with most lovly wings, +they was so numerus, and so bewtifool, that ewen I, a pore Hed Waiter, +coudn't help the thort, that they was a giving me my first glimpse +of Pairodice. Then again I noticed as the grashus and hansum LADY +MARESS--who I should ha liked to ha seen putting herself at the hed of +them all, and leading em all round the bewtifool All--had most kindly +inwited a few poor creetures, such as nusses, and charity Gals, and +plow boys, and setterer, just to let 'em see what they may sum day cum +to be, if so be as they is all good. + +There was a lot of Hartists a going about makin skitches of the werry +prettiest dresses insted of the werry prettiest faces, as I shood most +suttenly have done. One of 'em wanted for to take my picter, but as +I coudn't bleeve it was for my bewty, and was quite sure it wasn't +for my full heavening dress, and coud therefore ony be for fun, I +respekfully declined. + +It is roomered among us Hed Waiters, that the QUEEN's own Daughter, +which she's a Hempress, has told her son, which he's the HEMPEROR +of GERMANY, and is a comin here next July, that the werry loveliest +site as the Grand Old Copperashun can posserbly show him, will be a +reppytishun of the glorious seen as I seed with my own delited eyes on +Wensdy last. + +ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +"Oh Willow! Willow!" Mr. GRACE's memories of Forty years of Cricket +are full of interest, of enthusiasm, and of good stories. "My Early +Cricket Days" will hugely interest young would-be Willow-wielders. +"Cricketers I have Met" is excellent reading, the Champion being as +generous in appreciation as keen in judgment. On the science of the +game he, of course, speaks as one having authority. THACKERAY said he +never saw a boy without wishing to give him a sovereign. The "Co." for +some time to come will not look on an athletic lad without longing +to give him a copy of "Cricket; by W.G. GRACE." He hopes that lots of +other "dasters" will feel the same yearning, and act upon it. + +One of the "Co." reports that he has been reading a work on +_Decorative Electricity_, by Mrs. J.S.H. GORDON, and a very pretty +and original little book he found it, full of suggestions, ingenious, +fanciful, and practical, all at once--a rare combination. "Those +about to" instal--and most of us will find ourselves in that position, +sooner or later--will gain some invaluable hints and ideas from +this volume, which, in addition to its other merits, is charmingly +illustrated. Before very long we shall all be modern Aladdins, +and summon our Slave of the Lamp as a matter of course. But there +is plenty of scope for imagination in devising the form of his +appearance, notwithstanding, and Mrs. GORDON's book shows us how the +Genius may be compelled to present himself in a variety of pleasing +and fantastic shapes. + +The Baron is of opinion that _The Seal of Fate_, by Lady POLLOCK and +W.H. POLLOCK, is an interesting but somewhat discursive novel. Will it +be followed by _The Fate of the Seal_, a tale of the Fishery Question? + +BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & Co. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LORD RANDOLPH--PAST, PRESENT, AND TO COME-BACK.] + + * * * * * + +UPON AFRIC'S SHORE; + +OR, THE BATTLE OF THE HEROES. + +(_NOT BY THE AUTHOR OF "THE BATTLE OF LIMERICK_.") + + Ye lovers of the nation, + Who burn with indignation, + And England's obfuscation perpetually deplore; + Ye flouters of our factions, + And partisan distractions, + How like ye the transactions upon Afric's shore? + + Ye've all heard of the Lion + Who a rival cast his eye on, + (You'll find him in _Bombastes_) and thought the brute a bore. + Such rival Leos flourish, + And mutual hatred nourish, + With a snapping almost currish, upon Afric's shore. + + Faith their manes are _always_ waving, + And their claws for contest craving, + And their forms are always rampant, and they're ever at full roar, + And in book and morning paper, + They still clapperclaw and caper, + And they worry, snarl and vapour about Afric's shore. + + There was EMIN, sage pacific, + The serene and scientific, + Who a wondrous reputation in a hero-patriot bore, + Until "rescued" by brave STANLEY, + Who declared him weak, unmanly. + Oh! 'tis strange how heroes _can_ lie about Afric's shore. + + Then BARTTELOT and TROUP, + JEPHSON, JAMESON--a group + Who each of each "made soup"--off each other tried to score; + And in many a verjuiced "vollum" + STANLEY's jovial "Rear Column" + Was discussed in manner solemn, anent Afric's shore. + + Then the "foreign element" + To it tooth and nail _they_ went, + And the Battle of the Heroes it grew livelier than before. + Now that man, and now this man, + Now DE BRAZZA and now WISSMANN, + Made it hot for poor Old England upon Afric's shore. + + Now comes PETERS! He has slanged + STANLEY awfully, and banged + The "Rescue" party badly. It is getting a big bore, + When, with tempers hot as Indies, + Heroes smash each other's windies, + Pursuing of their shindies about Afric's shore. + + It is doubtless "moighty fine," + Being what _Titmarsh_ called "a line," + And it does Society's "sowl" good (no doubt) to hear him roar; + But 'tis folly to suppose + He _must_ rush upon his foes, + And hit them on the nose, upon Afric's shore. + + * * * * * + +EARLY CLOSING MOVEMENT.--When Mr. SMITH proposed shutting up shop +early on Tuesdays and Fridays, SIR ROBERT FOWLER was all for singing, +"We won't go home till morning (_three times_), Till daylight doth +appear." But, as _Falstaff_ asks, "What doth gravity out of bed after +midnight?" No, Sir ROBERT, doughty knight, take good advice, and +hie thee, armed _Night-cap-a-pie_, to thy couch. Don't get up till +morning, Till (long after) daylight doth appear! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IBSEN IN BRIXTON. + +_Mrs. Harris_. "YES, WILLIAM, I'VE THOUGHT A DEAL ABOUT IT, AND I FIND +I'M NOTHING BUT YOUR DOLL AND DICKEY-BIRD, AND SO I'M GOING!"] + + * * * * * + +THE PARTY PETER BELL. + + A potterer, Sir, he was by trade, + A Party Potterer, much respected, + And every year, when Spring appeared, + The yellow blooms, to bards endeared, + In swarms by PETER were collected. + + He roved among the vales and streams, + In the green wood and hollow dell, + And, upon April's nineteenth day, + Big buttonholers made display + Upon the heart of PETER BELL. + + In vain through each succeeding year + Did Nature mourn her lessening store. + A Primrose on the river's brim + A Party emblem was to him, + And it was nothing more! + + * * * * * + +DISINFECTING THE WIGS.--"_L'Enfant Prodigue_," which is filling +the Prince of Wales's Theatre day and night, has much in it that is +delightful. Perhaps there is nothing quite excels the subtle touch in +the programme where it is written: "The theatre is disinfected by the +Sanitas Company, Limited. _The Wigs by Clarkson_." + + * * * * * + +CURIOUS, AND "MORE ANON!"--The _Evelyn_ v. _Hurlbert_ trial was as +full of literary interest as a sale of old books and manuscripts. +Specially valuable were copies of _Evelyn's Diary_; while, in spite +of the pressing demand, _Murray's Memoirs_ were uncommonly scarce. +Victorious Mr. HURLBERT! Yet for all his triumph, he will be, for some +time, a "very much Murray'd man." + + * * * * * + +A SAVOY QUESTION.--The general idea of the forthcoming new Opera at +the Savoy appears to be "all Dance to SOLOMON's music." Is it to be +a pantomime-drama, like _L'Enfant Prodigue_, or simply a ballet? If +neither, where do song-words and dialogue come in? + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, April 20_.--The other week T.C. BARING +was sitting among us, one of the Members for the City of London. +Now BARING is no more, and to-night HUCKS GIBBS comes in to take his +place. VICARY G. brought his father down; watched him take oath and +has undertaken generally to see him through. In fact, when GIBBS +_pere_ hesitated about taking the proffered seat for the City, VICARY +undertook to fill it; finally, GIBBS _pere_ being warmly pressed, +consented to sit, and VICARY stood aside. But he will come in +by-and-by, when he has given his father a turn. + +[Illustration: Late Member for the City.] + +"Age before honesty, is my motto," said VICARY, when I complimented +him upon the fine feeling he has shown throughout these negotiations. +"I always think that we young fellows lose nothing by giving our +elders a start. My father, you know, sometime ago wanted to change the +name of our firm. Suggested it should be called SONS & ANTONY GIBBS. +There's something in it; but on the whole, better leave things as they +are. ANTONY GIBBS & SONS known all over the world; always embarrassing +to change style of an old firm; so, for the present, at least, we +leave things alone. Come along, _Pater_; think I'll take you home now. +Never rush wildly into new engagements; you've had the excitement of +being sworn in, and signing the roll of Parliament. You hadn't been +in the place ten minutes before TIM HEALY gave you a chance of voting +on a London City Bill, and that's enough for one night. By-and-by you +shall stay all night and enjoy yourself in Committee on Irish Land +Bill." + +So ANTONY GIBBS AND SON went off before dinner. Didn't miss much; +grinding away at Irish Land Bill; most soul-depressing experience of +modern life; no heart in it; no reality; SAGE of Queen Anne's Gate +brings up amendment after amendment, and makes successive speeches; +SEYMOUR KEAY does ditto; SHAW-LEFEVRE adds new terror to situation +by taking voluminous notes which promise illimitable succession of +orations; House empty; PRINCE ARTHUR has the full length of Treasury +Bench on which to lounge. Occasionally Division-bell rings; Members +troop in by the hundred; follow their leaders into Lobby right or +left, deciding question they haven't heard debated, and mere drift +of which two-thirds don't understand. + +BRER FOX absent to-night, which precludes possibility of flare-up +in Irish Camp. TIM faithful to his post, but lacks inspiration of +contiguity to BRER FOX. + +"PARNELL's played out," said TIM, referring in course of evening to +BRER FOX's reception in his latest run through Ireland. "He may ramp +and roar here, but his game's up in Ireland." + +"And is he resigned to the situation?" I asked. + +TIM looked at me, half winking his miraculously preserved right eye. + +"Did you ever hear, TOBY, what the weeping widow said to the parson, +who asked, 'Was your husband resigned to die?' 'He had ter be,' she +said, choking a sob." + +_Business done._--Very little in the Irish Land Bill. + +_Tuesday._--Mr. G.'s presence at Morning Sitting gave only possible +fillip to interminable Debate on Land Purchase Bill. BRER FOX still +away, so comparative peace reigns in Irish Camp. TIM HEALY no one to +butt his head against; COLONEL NOLAN too busy deploying his army of +five men; showing them how to retreat in good order when Division-bell +rings, and how, when it is decided to vote, they shall pass out +through one door, march in at the other, cross the floor, and look +as much as possible as if they were ten instead of five. T.W. +RUSSELL--"Roaring" RUSSELL, as his old colleague in Temperance fights, +WILFRID LAWSON, calls him--frequently on his legs. At sound of +his voice, Mr. G. gets his back up; interposes interjections and +corrections; and presently, when he can stand it no longer, plunges +into a speech. + +Another time SAUNDERSON draws him. "I am very sorry," said Mr. G., +who has been itching to speak for last half-hour, "that the hon. and +gallant Gentleman has dragged me into debate by gross misstatements." + +Being there, however, Mr. G. enjoys himself passably well, grinding +SAUNDERSON to powder, and hewing RUSSELL to pieces before the Lord +STRATHEDEN AND CAMPBELL, who are sleeping peacefully together in +the Gallery. "Like the Babes in the Wood," said PLUNKET, looking up +smilingly at the face in the Gallery, which looks twice as wise when +asleep as the ordinary man does in full possession of his senses. + +[Illustration: "Roaring" Russell.] + +"I know," Mr. G. continued, in measured accents of polite scorn, "that +the eloquence of the hon. and gallant Gentleman (meaning SAUNDERSON) +is as ungovernable as I am afraid it is sometimes unprofitable. In the +exercise of the understanding which the Almighty has given him, he has +represented me as being a supporter of this Bill." + +Words cannot convey adequate impression of the subtlety of emotion +conveyed by this unwonted, perhaps unprecedented, invocation. An +unmistakeable, though unspoken, indication of mingled feeling--pity +for one so meagrely endowed, and marvel that, out of boundless stores, +the Deity could, even in this instance, have been so chary of gifts. + +_Business done._--Still less in Committee on Irish Land Bill. + +_Thursday._--Rival shows in both Houses to-night. Lords running the +Newfoundland Delegates at the Bar; in the Commons Budget on. On the +whole, Commons drew the fullest House, to which JOKIM descanted for +nearly three hours. If he'd taken two, the speech would have been a +third less long, and three times as successful. Still the Budget comes +but once a year, and CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER feels bound to make +the most of opportunity. Pretty plain sailing for first two hours. +Then JOKIM ran aground. It was General STAMPS that did it all. +Appeared unexpectedly in long list of details setting forth Estimates +for Revenue in coming year. Nobody ever heard before of the General; +thought, at least, he must belong to the Army Estimates. But JOKIM +would have him in, spurs and epaulettes, and all. + +"General STAMPS," he said, regardless of grammar, "have fallen off." +JOKIM, in his loose way, omitted to say off what; presumed to be +his horse. House not sorry to hear it; had enough of the mysterious +warrior. But he was up again a few minutes' later. "General STAMPS," +JOKIM continued, in his airy fashion, "apart from the Death Duties, I +reduce from L6,700,000 to L5,900,000." + +"Better reduce him to the ranks at once," said Admiral FIELD, who is a +terrible martinet. + +But JOKIM took no notice of the suggestion; floundered along, bungling +terribly. Committee tried to help him out; that didn't help matters +much. To have a Member in one part of the House filling up an awkward +pause by suggesting "dried fruit," another "coffee," a third "rum," +and a fourth "probate duty," when after all, JOKIM was thinking of +the Income Tax or General STAMPS, evidently not designed to advance +matters. + +"The Committee knows what I mean," JOKIM said, piteously, looking +round out of a morass a little deeper than he'd been in lately. But +that is exactly what the Committee didn't do. + +"Then," said JOKIM, "you'll understand the figures when you read them +in the papers to-morrow." Something in that; House mollified; still +can't help thinking that if it is to wait till next morning to read +report of Chancellor's Budget Speech in order to understand his +statements, some preliminary time might be saved in the evening. + +_Business done._--Budget brought in. + +_Friday Night._--Missed OLD MORALITY from Treasury Bench; looked in +his room; found him in arm-chair, collapsed, by fire-place, with copy +of _Morning Advertiser_ in his hand. + +"What's the matter?" I asked. "Surely you've not been reading JOKIM's +Budget Speech right through!" He certainly looked as if he had. + +"No, TOBY," he said; "it's not that; it's the Leader. Haven't you seen +what the _Morning Advertiser_ says about me? 'For the first time in +our recollection he (that's me) bears on his political escutcheon a +deep smudge of dishonour': and that's all because JOKIM wouldn't take +a penny off a barrel of beer, and twopence off a gallon of spirits. +It's the injustice I feel most acutely. It doesn't seem fair that Mr. +BUNG should try to intimidate JOKIM by abusing me." + +"It _is_ hard," I said; "but it's no use sitting moping here. Come +along into House; they're in Committee on the Land Bill; an hour or +two of that'll freshen you up." And it did. + +_Business done._--In Committee on the Irish Land Bill. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. 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