initial commit of ebook 14123HEADmain

1 files changed, 1662 insertions, 0 deletions

diff --git a/old/14123.txt b/old/14123.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6a95776
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/14123.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,1662 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101,
+November 28, 1891, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101, November 28, 1891
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: November 22, 2004 [EBook #14123]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 101.
+
+
+
+November 28, 1891.
+
+
+
+
+LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS.
+
+NO. VII.--TO VANITY.
+
+DEAR VANITY,
+
+Imagine my feelings when I read the following letter. It lay quite
+innocently on my breakfast-table in a heap of others. It was stamped
+in the ordinary way, post-marked in the ordinary way, and addressed
+correctly, though how the charming writer discovered my address
+I cannot undertake to say; in fact, there was nothing in its
+outward appearance to distinguish it from the rest of my everyday
+correspondence. I opened it carelessly, and this is what I read:--
+
+[Illustration]
+
+RIDICULOUS BEING,--In the course of a fairly short life I have read
+many absurd things, but never in all my existence have I read anything
+so absurd as your last letter. I don't say that your amiable story
+about HERMIONE MAYBLOOM is not absolutely true; in fact, I knew
+HERMIONE _very slightly_ myself when everybody was raving about her,
+and I never _could_ understand what all you men (for, of course,
+you are a man; no woman could be so foolish) saw in her to make you
+lose your preposterous heads. To me she always seemed _silly_ and
+_affected_, and _not in the least_ pretty, with her snub nose, and her
+fuzzy hair. So I am rather glad, not from any personal motive, but
+for the sake of _truth_ and _justice_, that you have shown her up.
+No; what I do complain of is, your evident intention to make the world
+believe that only women are vain. You pretend to lecture us about
+our shortcomings, and you don't seem to know that there is no vainer
+creature in existence than a man. No peacock that ever strutted with
+an expanded tail is one-half so ridiculous or silly as a man. I
+make no distinctions--_all men are the same_; at least, that's my
+experience, and that of every woman I ever met.
+
+How do you suppose a woman like HERMIONE succeeds as she does? Why she
+finds out (it doesn't take long, I assure you) the weak points of the
+men she meets; their wretched jealousies, affectations and conceits,
+and then artfully proceeds to flatter them and make each of them think
+his particular self the lord of creation, until she has all the weak
+and foolish creatures wound round her little finger, and slavishly
+ready to fetch and carry for her. And all the time you go about and
+boast of your conquest to one another, and imagine that _you_ have
+subjugated her. But she sits at home and laughs at you, and _despises_
+you all from the flinty bottom of her heart. Bah! you're a pack of
+fools, and I've no patience with you. As for you personally, if you
+_must_ write any more, tell your fellow men something about their own
+follies. It won't be news to _us_, but it may open _their_ eyes. If
+you can't do that, you had better retire into your tub, and cease your
+painful barking altogether. I've got my eye on you, so be careful. I
+remain (thank goodness)
+
+A WOMAN.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Now that was not altogether an agreeable breakfast dish. And the worst
+of it was that it was so supremely unjustifiable. Had my indignant
+correspondent honoured me with her address, I should have answered
+her at once. "Madam," I should have said, "your anger outstrips your
+reason. I always intended to say something about men. I had already
+begun a second letter to my friend VANITY on the subject. I can
+therefore afford to forgive your hard words, and to admit that there
+is a certain amount of truth in your strictures on us. But please
+don't write to me again so furiously. Such excessive annoyance is
+quite out of keeping with your pretty handwriting, and besides, it
+takes away my appetite to think I have even involuntarily given you
+pain. Be kind enough to look out for my next letter, but don't, for
+goodness' sake, tell me what you think about it, unless it should
+happen to please you. In that case I shall, of course, be proud and
+glad to hear from you again."
+
+I now proceed, therefore, to carry out my intention, and, as usual,
+I address myself to the fountain head. My dear VANITY, I never shall
+understand why you take so much trouble to get hold of men. They are
+not a pleasing sight when you have got them, and after a time it
+must cease to amuse even you to see yourself reproduced over and over
+again, and in innumerable ridiculous ways. For instance, there is
+Dr. PEAGAM, the celebrated author of _Indo-Hebraic Fairy Tales: a new
+Theory of their Rise and Development, with an Excursus on an Early
+Aryan Version of_ "_Three Blind Mice_." Dr. PEAGAM is learned; he has
+the industry of a beaver; he is a correspondent of goodness knows how
+many foreign philosophical, philological, and mythological societies;
+his record of University distinctions has never been equalled; his
+advice has been sought by German Professors. Yet he carries all this
+weight of celebrity and learning as lightly as if it were a wideawake,
+and seems to think nothing of it. But he has his weak point, and, like
+Achilles, he has it in his feet.
+
+This veteran investigator, this hoary and venerable Doctor, would
+cheerfully give years off his life if only the various philosophers
+who from time to time sit at his feet would recognise that those feet
+are small, and compliment him on the fact. They _are_ small, there is
+no doubt of it, but not small enough to be encased without agony in
+the tiny, natty, pointed boots that he habitually wears. Let anybody
+who wants to get anything out of Dr. PEAGAM lead the conversation
+craftily on to the subject of feet and their proper size. Let him then
+make the discovery (aloud) that the Doctor's feet are extraordinarily
+small and beautiful, and I warrant that there is nothing the
+Doctor can bestow which shall not be freely offered to this cunning
+flatterer. That is why Dr. PEAGAM, a modest man in most respects,
+always insists on sitting in the front row on any platform, and
+ostentatiously dusts his boots with a red silk pocket-handkerchief.
+
+Then, again, who is there that has not heard of Major-General
+WHACKLEY, V.C., the hero who captured the ferocious Ameer of Mudwallah
+single-handed, and carried him on his back to the English camp--the
+man to whose dauntless courage, above all others, the marvellous
+victory of Pilferabad was due? Speak to him on military matters,
+and you will find the old warrior as shy as a school-girl; but only
+mention the word poetry, and you'll have him reciting his ballads and
+odes to you by the dozen, and declaiming for hours together about the
+obtuseness of the publishing fraternity.
+
+I don't speak now of literary men who value themselves above LAMB,
+DICKENS, and THACKERAY, rolled into one; nor of artists who sneer at
+TITIAN; nor of actors who hold GARRICK to be absurdly overrated. Space
+would fail me, and patience you. But let me just for a brief moment
+call to your mind ROLAND PRETTYMAN. Upon my soul, I think ROLAND the
+most empty-headed fribble, the most affected coxcomb, and the most
+conceited noodle in the whole world. He was decently good-looking
+once, and he had a pretty knack of sketching in water-colours.
+
+But oh, the huge, distorted, overweening conceit of the man! I have
+seen him lying full length on a couch, waving a scented handkerchief
+amongst a crowd of submissive women, who were grovelling round him,
+while he enlarged in his own pet jargon on the surpassing merits
+of his latest unpublished essay, or pointed out the beauties of the
+trifling pictures which were the products of his ineffective brush.
+He will never accomplish anything, and yet to the end of his life,
+I fancy, he will have his circle of toadies and flatterers who will
+pretend to accept him as the evangelist of a glorious literary and
+artistic gospel. For unfortunately he is as rich as he is impudent
+and incompetent. And when he drives out in a Hansom he never ceases to
+simper at his reflected image in the little corner looking-glasses, by
+means of which modern cab-proprietors pander to the weakness of men.
+Such is your handiwork, my excellent VANITY. Are you proud of it?
+
+Yours, &c.,
+
+DIOGENES ROBINSON.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.
+
+"ONE WHO DOESN'T KNOW EVERYTHING."--You ask, What are the duties
+of "the Ranger"? Household duties only. He has to inspect the
+kitchen-ranges in the kitchens of Buckingham Palace, Windsor Castle,
+Balmoral, and Osborne. Hence the style and title. He also edits Cook's
+Guides.
+
+"ANOTHER IDIOT" wishes to know if there is such an appointment in the
+gift of the Crown as the office of "Court Sweep." Why, certainly; and,
+on State occasions, he wears the Court Soot, and his broom is always
+waiting for him at the entrance! At Balmoral and Osborne there is a
+beautiful sweep leading the visitor right up to the front door.
+
+"ONE MORE UNFORTUNATE" writes us,--"Sir, in what poem of MILTON's does
+the following couplet occur?--
+
+  I'll light the _gas_ soon,
+  To play the _bas_-soon.
+
+How are the lines to be scanned?" _Ans._--On internal evidence, we
+question whether the lines are MILTON's. In the absence of our Poet,
+who is out for a holiday, we can only reply, that if shortsighted,
+you can scan them by the aid of a powerful glass--of your favourite
+compound.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "THE SWEET LITTLE CHERUB THAT SITS UP ALOFT."
+
+(_Modern Version, as it must be_.)]
+
+    ["The Associated Chamber of Commerce ask that the Coastguard
+    stations, shore-lighthouses, rock lighthouses, and light-ships
+    of the United Kingdom, should, as far as possible, be
+    connected by telegraph or telephone with the general telegraph
+    system of the country, 'as a means for the protection of life
+    and property, as well as for national defence.'... France and
+    America, Holland and Denmark, provide their seamen with this
+    great safeguard in the hour of their utmost need. IS England
+    content to let her sailors die by hundreds for want of a
+    little money, or for want of a little care?"--_Times_.]
+
+  _Prospero_. Why, that's my spirit!
+        But was not this nigh shore?
+
+  _Ariel_.      Close by, my master.
+
+  _Prospero_. But are they, Ariel, safe?
+
+  _Ariel_.      Not a hair perish'd.
+
+          _Tempest_, Act I., Scene 2.
+
+  _CONTENT_? There's many an English heart will hear with fierce amaze
+  That England lags so far behind in these electric days--
+  England, whose seamen are her shield, who vaunts in speech and song,
+  The love she bears her mariners! Wake, CAMPBELL, swift and strong
+  Of swell and sweep as the salt waves you sang as none could sing!
+  Rouse DIBDIN, of the homelier flight, but steady waft of wing!
+  Poetic shades, _this_ question, sure, should pierce the ear of death,
+  And make ye vocal once again with quick, indignant breath.
+  _Content_? Whilst round our rocky coasts the souls who guard them sink,
+  Death clutching from the clamorous brine, hope beaconing from the brink,
+  With lifted hands toward the lights that beam but to betray,
+  Because dull Britons fail to think, or hesitate to pay?
+  No! With that question a fierce thrill through countless listeners went,
+  And, hoarse with indignation, rings the answer, "_Not_ Content!"
+
+  When the Armada neared our coast in days now dubbed as "dark,"
+  Pre-scientific Englishmen, whom no Electric Spark
+  Had witched with its white radiance, yet sped from height to height
+  Of Albion's long wild sea-coast line the ruddy warning Light.
+  "Cape beyond Cape, in endless range, those twinkling points of fire"[1]
+  _Reveille_ shot from sea to sea, from wave-washed shire to shire,
+  Inland, from hill to hill, it flashed wherever English hand
+  Helpful at need in English cause could grip an English brand.
+  To-day? Well, round our jutting cliffs, across our hollowing bays
+  Thicker the light-ship beacons flash, the lighthouse lanterns blaze.
+  From sweep to sweep, from steep to steep, our shores are starred with light,
+  Burning across the briny floods through the black mirk of night,
+  Forth-gleaming like the eyes of Hope, or like the fires of Home,
+  Upon the eager eyes of men far-straining o'er the foam.
+  Good! But how greatly less than good to fear, to think, to know
+  That inland England's less alert against a whelming foe
+  Than when bonfire and beacon flared mere flame of wood and pitch,
+  From Surrey hills to Skiddaw!
+            Science-dowered, serenely rich,
+  Safe in its snugly sheltered homes, our England lies at ease,
+  Whilst round her cliffs gale-scourged to wrath the tiger-throated seas
+  Thunder in ruthless ravening rage, with rending crash and shock,
+  Through the dull night and blinding drift on leagues of reef and rock.
+  More furious than the Spaniards they, more fierce, persistent foes,
+  These deep-gorged, pallid, foaming waves. Yes, bright the beacon glows,
+  Warmly the lighthouse wafts its blaze of welcome o'er the brine;
+  The shore's hard by, but where the hands to whirl the rescuing line?
+  To launch the boat?--to hurl the buoy? The lighthouse men look out
+  Upon their wreck-borne brethren there, their hearts are soft as stout,
+  But signals will not pierce this dark, shouts rise o'er this fierce roar,
+  Rescue may wait at hand, but--_there's no cable to the shore!_
+
+  Content with _this_? Nay, callous he whom this stirs not to rage,
+  _Punch_ pictures, with prophetic pen, a brighter cheerier page,
+  Which _must be turned_, and speedily:
+            Good Mr. PROSPERO BULL,
+  Your _Ariel_ is the Electric Sprite, DIBDIN, of pity full
+  For tempest-tost Poor JACK, descried a Cherub up aloft
+  Watch-keeping o'er his venturous life. That symbol, quoted oft,
+  Must find new form to fit the time. The _Ariel_ of the Spark
+  Must watch around our storm-lashed coast in tempest and in dark,
+  Guardian of homeward-bound Poor JACK, to spread the news of fear,
+  And tell him, battling with the storm, that rescuing hands, though near,
+  Are not made helpless in his hour of agonising need,
+  By ignorance that heeds not, and neglect that fails to heed.
+
+[Footnote 1: MACAULAY's _Armada._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: NATURAL HISTORY.
+
+"OH, _LOOK_, MUMMIE! NOW IT'S LEFT OFF RAINING, HE'S COME OUT OF HIS
+KENNEL!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ALL BERRY WELL.
+
+SIR,--As there is so much talk just now about the best way in which
+to make Coffee, I will mention the plan I adopt, in the hope that
+some of your readers may imitate it in their own homes. It is very
+simple. You take some of the excellent "Coffee Mixture," sold by the
+"Arabo-Egyptian Pure Parisian Berry Company, Limited," at sixpence
+the pound. You need not give more than one tea-spoon to every four
+persons, as the coffee is very good and thick. Add condensed milk,
+and fill with water, after which, let the pot stand on the hob an hour
+before use. You would be surprised at the quality of the fluid which
+results. It gives general satisfaction in my own circle. My nephew,
+who lives with me, declares that it is the only genuine coffee he has
+drunk since he returned from the East. He usually, however, has his
+breakfast out. My General Servant says that "she prefers it to beer"
+(though she takes both), and has asked me for some to send to an
+Aunt of hers with whom she has quarrelled. I think this very nice and
+forgiving of her, and have allowed her a quarter of a pound for that
+purpose. My son-in-law, who unfortunately is rather addicted to drink,
+says it is "the finest tap he ever tasted," and adds that if he could
+be sure of always having such Coffee, he would join the Blue Ribbon
+Army at once. Hitherto he has not joined.
+
+  Yours humbly,
+  MARTHA HUSWIFE.
+
+SIR,--At my "Home for Elderly Orphans of Defective Brain Power," I
+give an _excellent_ Coffee, made of five parts chicory, and one of
+Mocha, supplied at a cheap rate by a House in the City, which owes
+me money, and is paying it off in this way, with skim-milk added, in
+moderation, and no sugar. None of the orphans has ever complained of
+my Coffee. I should like to catch them doing so. It is nonsense to say
+the art of coffee-making is unknown in England.
+
+  Yours, indignantly,
+  CLEOPATRA JONES.
+
+SIR,--Here is the recipe for Coffee which we use at this Buffet:--
+
+"Place one pound of the 'Nonpareil Turkish Pasha's Special Brand
+Extract of finest Mocha' in the urn in the morning. Pour on boiling
+water to half-way up. Let it stew all day. Draw off as wanted, and
+dilute with 'Anglo-African Condensed Cows' Milk.'"
+
+Strange to say, we do not find great demand either for Coffee or Tea
+(made on similar principles); but it is as well that the Public should
+know that we have both in constant readiness, and of first-class
+quality. The traveller who has drunk a cup of this Coffee in
+conjunction with one of our celebrated Home-made Pork Pies, does not
+require anything else till the end of the very longest journey, and,
+probably, not even then.
+
+  KEEPER OF THE REFRESHMENT ROOM, STARVEM JUNCTION.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GEORGIAN ERA AT THE ALHAMBRA.--Mrs. ABBOTT is an electric wonder.
+Not strong muscularly, but with sufficient electric power to support
+four or five of the inferior sex heaped anyhow on a chair. Such a
+woman is a crown to a husband--nay, any amount of crowns at L200
+per week--and capable of supporting a family, however large, all by
+her own exertions, or indeed, with scarcely any exertion at all. At
+present, though married, she is a _femme seule_: but how long will she
+remain the only electric wonder in London? Many years ago there was
+a one-legged dancer named DONATO. Within sixteen weeks there were as
+many one-legged dancers. We don't speak by the card, of course, but
+one-legged dancers became a drug in the market. Already we hear of "A
+Dynamic Phenomenon" at the Pavilion. Little Mrs. ABBOTT is an active,
+spry little person, yet her "_vis inertiae_" is, at present, without a
+parallel.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS.
+
+NO. XVI.
+
+    SCENE--_Terrace and Grounds of the Grand Hotel Villa d'Este,
+    on Lake Como. PODBURY and CULCHARD are walking up and down
+    together._
+
+_Podbury._ Well, old chap, your resigning like that has made all the
+difference to _me_, I can tell you!
+
+_Culchard._ If I have succeeded in advancing your cause with Miss
+PRENDERGAST, I am all the better pleased, of course.
+
+_Podb._ You have, and no mistake. She's regularly taken me in hand,
+don't you know--she says I've no intelligent appreciation of Italian
+Art; and gad, I believe she's right there! But I'm pulling up--bound
+to teach you a lot, seeing all the old altar-pieces I do! And she
+gives me the right tips, don't you see; she's no end of a clever girl,
+so well-read and all that! But I say--about Miss TROTTER? Don't want
+to be inquisitive, you know, but you don't seem to be much _about_
+with her.
+
+[Illustration: "Bound to teach you a lot, seeing all the old
+altar-pieces I do!"]
+
+_Culch._ I--er--the feelings I entertain towards Miss TROTTER have
+suffered no change--quite the reverse, only--and I wish to impress
+this upon you, PODBURY--it is undesirable, for--er--many reasons,
+to make my attentions--er--too conspicuous. I--I trust you have not
+alluded to the matter to--well, to Miss PRENDERGAST, for example?
+
+_Podb._ Not I, old fellow--got other things to talk about. But I don't
+quite see why--
+
+_Culch._ You are not _required_ to see. I don't _wish_ it, that is
+all. I--er--think that should be sufficient.
+
+_Podb._ Oh, all right, _I'll_ keep dark. But she's bound to know
+sooner or later, now she and Miss TROTTER have struck up such
+a friendship. And HYPATIA will be awfully pleased about it--why
+_shouldn't_ she, you know?... I'm going to see if there's anyone on
+the tennis-court, and get a game if I can. Ta-ta!
+
+_Culch._ (_alone_). PODBURY knows very little about women. If
+HYP--Miss PRENDERGAST--once found out _why_ I renounced my suitorship,
+I should have very little peace, I know that--I've taken particular
+care not to betray my attachment to MAUD. I'm afraid she's beginning
+to notice it, but I must be careful. I don't like this sudden intimacy
+between them--it makes things so very awkward. They've been sitting
+under that tree over there for the last half-hour, and goodness only
+knows what confidences they may have exchanged! I really must go up
+and put a stop to it, presently.
+
+_UNDER THE TREE._
+
+_Hypatia._ I only tell you all this, sweetest one, because I _do_
+think you have rather too low an opinion of men as a class, and I
+wanted to show you that I have met at least _one_ man who was capable
+of a real and disinterested devotion.
+
+_Maud._ Well, I allowed that was about your idea.
+
+_Hyp._ And don't you recognise that it was very fine of him to give up
+everything for his friend's sake?
+
+_Maud_. I guess it depends how much "everything" amounted to.
+
+_Hyp._ (_annoyed_). I thought, darling, I had made it perfectly plain
+what a sacrifice it meant to him. _I_ know how much he--I needn't tell
+you there are certain symptoms one can_not_ be deceived in.
+
+_Maud._ No, I guess you needn't tell me _that_, love. And it was
+perfectly lovely of him to give you up, when he was under vow for you
+and all, sooner than stand in his friend's light--only I don't just
+see how that was going to help his friend any.
+
+_Hyp._ Don't you, dearest? Not when the friend was under vow for me,
+too?
+
+_Maud._ Well, HYPATIA PRENDERGAST! And how many admirers do you have
+around under vow, as a regular thing?
+
+_Hyp._ There were only those two. RUSKIN permits as many as seven at
+one time.
+
+_Maud._ That's a vurry liberal allowance, too. I don't see how there'd
+be sufficient suitors to go round. But maybe each gentleman can be
+under vow for seven distinct girls, to make things sort of square now?
+
+_Hyp._ Certainly not. The whole beauty of the idea lies in the
+unselfish and exclusive devotion of every knight to the same sovereign
+lady. In this case I happen to know that the--a--individual had never
+met his ideal until--
+
+_Maud._ Until he met you? At Nuremberg, wasn't it? My! And what was
+his name? Do tell!
+
+_Hyp._ You must not press me, sweetest, for I cannot tell that--even
+to you.
+
+_Maud._ I don't believe but what I could guess. But say, you didn't
+care any for _him_, or you'd never have let him go like that? _I_
+wouldn't. I should have suspected there was something behind!
+
+_Hyp._ My feelings towards him were purely potential. I did him the
+simple justice to believe that his self-abnegation was sincere. But,
+with your practical, cynical little mind, darling, you are hardly
+capable of--excuse me for saying so--of appreciating the real value
+and meaning of such magnanimity!
+
+_Maud._ Oh, I guess I _am_, though. Why, here's Mr. CULCHARD coming
+along. Well, Mr. CULCHARD?
+
+_Culch._ I--ah--appear to have interrupted a highly interesting
+conversation?
+
+_Maud._ Well, we were having a little discussion, and I guess you're
+in time to give the casting vote--HYPATIA, you want to keep just
+where you are, do you hear? I mean you should listen to Mr. CULCHARD's
+opinion.
+
+_Culch._ (_flattered_). Which I shall be delighted to give, if you
+will put me in possession of the--er--facts.
+
+_Maud._ Well, these are the--er--facts. There were two gentlemen under
+vow--maybe you'll understand the working of that arrangement better
+than I do?--under vow for the same young lady. [HYPATIA PRENDERGAST,
+sit still, or I declare I'll pinch you!] One of them comes up and
+tells her that he's arrived at the conclusion the other admirer is
+the better man, and, being a friend of his, he ought to retire in
+his favour, and he does it, too, right away. Now _I_ say that isn't
+natural--he'd some other motive. Miss PRENDERGAST here will have it
+he was one of those noble unselfish natures that deserve they should
+be stuffed for a museum. What's _your_ opinion now?
+
+_Culch._ (_perspiring freely_). Why--er--really, on so delicate a
+matter, I--I-- [_He maunders._
+
+_Hyp._ MAUD, why _will_ you be so headstrong! (_In a rapid whisper._)
+Can't you see ... can't you _guess_?...
+
+_Maud._ I guess I want to make sure Mr. CULCHARD isn't that kind of
+magnanimous man himself. I shouldn't want him to renounce _me_!
+
+_Hyp._ MAUD! You might at _least_ wait until Mr. CULCHARD has--
+
+_Maud._ Oh, but he _did_--weeks ago, at Bingen. And at Lugano, too,
+the other day, he spoke out tolerable plain. I guess he didn't wish
+any secret made about it--_did_ you, Mr. CULCHARD?
+
+_Culch._ I--ah--this conversation is rather ... If you'll excuse me--
+[_Escapes with as much dignity as he can command._
+
+_Maud._ Well, my dear,--that's the sort of self-denying hairpin _he_
+is! What do you think of him _now_?
+
+_Hyp._ I do not think so highly of him, I confess. His renunciation
+was evidently less prompted by consideration for his friend than by a
+recollection--tardy enough, I am afraid--of the duty which bound him
+to _you_, dearest. But if you had seen and heard him, as I did, you
+would not have doubted the _reality_ of the sacrifice, whatever the
+true reason may have been. For myself, I am conscious of neither anger
+nor sorrow--my heart, as I told you, was never really affected. But
+what must it be to _you_, darling!
+
+_Maud._ Well, I believe I'm more amused than anything.
+
+_Hyp._ Amused! But surely you don't mean to have anything more to do
+with him?
+
+_Maud._ My dear girl, I intend to have considerable more to do with
+him before I'm through. He's under vow for _me_ now, anyway, and I
+don't mean he should forget it, either. He's my monkey, and he's got
+to jump around pretty lively, at the end of a tolerable short chain,
+too. And I guess, if it comes to renouncing, all the magnanimity's
+going to be on _my_ side this time!
+
+_IN AN AVENUE._
+
+_Culch._ (_to himself, as he walks hurriedly on_). I only saved myself
+in time. I don't _think_ MAUD noticed anything--she couldn't nave been
+so innocent and indifferent if she had.... And HYPATIA won't enlighten
+her any further now--after what she knows. It's rather a relief that
+she _does_ know.... She took it very well, poor girl--_very_ well.
+I expect she is really beginning to put up with PODBURY--I'm sure I
+_hope_ so, sincerely!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"I dearly love reading a ghost-story," quoth the Baron, "when, as the
+song says, 'The lights are low, And the flickering shadows, Softly
+come and go.' And I did hope that _Cecilia de Noel_ was going to be
+just the very sort of book for a winter's fireside. Disappointed.
+There is a ghost in it, and there's _Cecilia de Noel_ (good
+Christmassy name, isn't it?) who instructs the ghost in his neglected
+Catechism; for the ghost is as much an Atheist as the unbelieving
+Sadducee in this same story, who, after all, is not converted. 'Alas!
+Poor Ghost!' Very poor ghost! Bring me another ghost!" cries the
+Baron. No other ghost is forthcoming to the invocation, but a book is
+placed in his hands entitled _Fourteen to One_. The Baron was about
+to dismiss it as a betting book--judging by its title--when his eye
+caught the name of ELIZABETH STUART PHELPS as authoress. So he read
+many of the short stories therein. She has in many places the touch of
+DICKENS. All are good; but for pathos, keen observation, and dramatic
+surprise, "give me," says the Baron, emphatically, "the short story of
+_The Madonna of the Tubs_." Admirable! Those who take and act upon the
+Baron's tip, will do well to ask for _Fourteen to One_, and see that
+they get it.
+
+What are the Baron's sentiments as to Christmas things? He refused
+to have anything to say to games and cards. Cards--well, we all know
+whose books some puritanical party said _they_ were. But these comic
+and artistic Christmas Cards of RAPHAEL TUCK do not come into that
+category; and same is to be said of Messrs. HILDESHEIMER's, so there's
+an end on't. Henceforth, says the Baron, "No Cards."
+
+"Come to me, O ye children," as some one sings--ARTHUR CECIL for
+choice--and it might be adapted for the occasion by the Publishers
+of _Chatterbox_, in which box there's a prize. Messrs. ROUTLEDGE go
+in for the old, old tales. They've kindly given _Mother Hubbard_ a
+new dress; and as for their Panorama of the "Beasteses," it is like
+a picture-walk in the Zoo. _Some Historic Women_, well selected by
+DAVENPORT ADAMS, who should have styled it _Christmas Eves by Adams_.
+With Mrs. MOLESWORTH's _Bewitched Lamp_ the Baron's Assistant is much
+pleased. Pictures ought to have been in oil, and there should have
+been a Wicked Fairy in it,--but there isn't.
+
+My "Co." reports that Mrs. GRIMWOOD's long-expected book, _My Three
+Years in Manipur_ (BENTLEY), is worthy of the theme, and adds a fresh
+laurel to the chaplet worn by the lady on whose breast the QUEEN
+pinned the Red Cross. The moving story is told with a simplicity that
+looks like the development of the highest art. But the heroine of
+Manipur is unmistakably artless. She is content to jot down, as if
+she were writing a letter home, her impressions of what she sees,
+and her account of what passes before her eyes. She has the gift of
+reproducing with a few strokes of the pen, portraiture of anything
+that has struck her. The only thing missed is detailed report of her
+own brave bearing through the fearful night when the Residency was
+attacked, and during the dreadful days that followed on the flight
+towards Cachar. No one reading Mrs. GRIMWOOD's narrative would guess
+what splendid part she played in that tragedy. Fortunately that has
+been told elsewhere, and the omission is an added charm to a book that
+has many others--including a portrait of the author.
+
+THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS AND CO.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CIVIL SERVICE EXHIBITION.
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,--The Military Exhibition was such a success, and
+the Naval Exhibition was such a successor, that we Government Clerks
+invoke your powerful aid to help us to establish next year a Civil
+Service Exhibition. The Public have really no idea what wondrous
+curiosities there are in the Civil Service, and would, I feel sure,
+be amused and instructed at a well-organised and representative
+Exhibition. At 10.15 A.M. they would see real live Clerks sign real
+Attendance-Books, and insert (real or unreal) times of arrival. In the
+course of the morning there might be an Exhibition of Civil Servants
+over sixty-five years of age, who didn't want to retire, with a
+similar number of Civil Servants, of fifty-five years of age, who
+didn't want them to stay. In the afternoon, in the Arena, would daily
+be attempted the difficult feat of proceeding from the Second Division
+to the Higher Division. The obstacles would be represented by real
+Treasury Clerks and Civil Service Commissioners, holding Orders in
+Council and Treasury Minutes; and the Clerk successful in performing
+the feat might be created a Duke.
+
+In one of the kiosks a lecture on _"Sick Leave and how to spend it,"
+by the Earl and the Doctor_, might be delivered hourly. In another
+kiosk, official C.B.'s would be on show; Jubilee C.B.'s being classed
+together on one side, and special prominence being given to those
+C.B.'s who hadn't applied for the honour, and to those who had
+obtained it for real services otherwise unrecognised. After dark the
+"Treasury Ring" might join hands and dance round the flashing light of
+their own unassisted intellect.
+
+The different refreshment rooms (furnished by the Office of Works)
+would be classified according to the varying rates of Subsistence
+Allowance in force in the Service. Here the dinner for the L1-a-day
+man--there the tea for the 10s.-a-day man. Special luncheon rates
+for those not absent from home at night, but absent for more than ten
+hours.
+
+Visitors might be searched on arrival and departure by real Custom
+House Officers. This would be sure to make it popular. Please, dear
+_Mr. Punch_, do help us. Yours, &c.,
+
+A GOVERNMENT CLERK.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ENGLISH OPERA AS SHE ISN'T SUNG.
+
+[Illustration: "Very sorry, my dear Sir Ivanhoe, but you're rather
+too heavy for this Carte. We shall get along better with a lighter
+weight."]
+
+It seems impossible to support a Royal English Opera House with its
+special commodity of English Opera, that is, Opera composed by an
+Englishman to an Englishman's _libretto_, and played by English
+operatic singers. _Ivanhoe_, a genuine English Opera, by a genuine
+English Composer (with an Irish name), produced with great _eclat_,
+has, after a fair run and lots of favour, been _Doyl-ecarte_, in
+order to make room for the _Basoche_, an essentially French Opera,
+by French Composer and Librettists, done, of course, into English,
+so as to be "understanded of the people." The _Basoche_ has "caught
+on," and our friends in front, including Composer, Librettist, and
+Middlemen--DRURIOLANUS, who bought it, and DOYLY CARTY, who bought it
+of Sir DRURI--are all equally pleased and satisfied. Considered as
+a matter of business, what signifies the nationality as long as the
+spec pays?--_tout est la._ Only why retain the differentiating title
+of "English" for the establishment? Why not call it "The Cosmopolitan
+Opera House"? Of course this applies, nowadays, to Covent Garden
+Theatre, which is no longer the Italian Opera House, but simply the
+Covent Garden Opera during the Operatic Season, when French, English,
+Italian, and German Operas are played by a Babel of singers. By the
+way, while on the subject of nomenclature, why not "The Royal Babel
+Opera House"?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A LUCID INTERVAL.
+
+(_THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE EXPRESSED DIFFERENTLY._)
+
+_Doctor._ "HOW IS THE PATIENT THIS MORNING?"
+
+_Nurse._ "WELL--HE HAS BEEN WANDERING A GOOD DEAL IN HIS MIND. EARLY
+THIS MORNING I HEARD HIM SAY, 'WHAT AN OLD WOMAN THAT DOCTOR IS!'--AND
+I THINK THAT WAS ABOUT THE LAST REALLY _RATIONAL_ REMARK HE MADE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LITTLE GERMANIA MAGNATE;
+
+OR, TRYING TO SWAY THE SCEPTRE.
+
+    ["_Suprema lex regis voluntas._" Words reported to have been
+    written by the German Emperor in the Visitors' Book of the
+    City Council at Munich.]
+
+  No more let men chatter of such a small matter
+    As Ladies Magnetic, with mystical forces,
+  Whose billiard-cue business strikes with sheer dizziness
+    Muscular Miloes who're game to lift horses.
+  As MITCHELL the bulky was made to look sulky
+    By slight Mrs. ABBOTT, the Georgian Mystery,
+  She is struck silly by Behemoth BILLY,
+    That young Teuton Titan, the toughest in history.
+
+  O Oracle Mighty (though vocally flighty),
+    Great Creature, omniscient (if a bit youthful),
+  Panjandrum-plus-CAESAR, Herculean Teaser
+    Of tendencies vicious, or tame, or untruthful!
+  You mastered the Moral while sucking your coral--
+    You set the world right--in idea--in your cradle.
+  Omnipotent Bumble, our pride let us humble,
+    And take our opinions--like soup--from _your_ ladle!
+
+  You _are_ such a fellow! The sages turn yellow,
+    The wits all go pallid, and so do the heroes;
+  Big Brontes grow jealous when _you_ blow the bellows,
+    A fig for your CAESARS, ISKANDERS, and NEROS!
+  You lick them all hollow, great Vulcan-Apollo,
+    Sole lord of our consciences, lives, arts, and armies!
+  But (like Mrs. A., Sir) 'twould floor you to say, Sir,
+    Where, what, in the mischief the source of your charm is!
+
+  Say, how _do_ you do it? That Georgian's cue, it,
+    Compared with your sceptre, is just a mere withy.
+  You quietly front in with that calm "_Voluntas_,"
+    (Expressed for our guidance in epigrams pithy)
+  You hint you can rule us, and guide us, and school us,
+    "All off your own bat," without Clergy or Minister,
+  Giving swift gruel to stage-prank, or duel,
+    Or any thing else _you_ think stupid or sinister.
+
+  O Autocrat fateful, we ought to be grateful
+    For such an infallible, all-potent party,
+  At _this_ time of day too, to show us the way to--
+    Wherever you'd lead us, with confidence hearty.
+  And as for those duffers, your confidence suffers
+    To tug at the sceptre, with vain thoughts of swaying it,
+  What can it matter? "The Magnet" can shatter
+    Their strength; at its pleasure controlling or staying it.
+
+  In vain "Blood and Iron," with foes that environ
+    Your sceptre, smart Press-man, or Socialist spouter,
+  May struggle together; you hold them in tether,
+    Or so you proclaim, you, whom foes call "the Shouter."
+  The pose is imposing, if ere the scene's closing,
+    The "Little Germania Magnate" gets beaten;
+  Well, put at the worst, Sir, you are not the first, Sir,
+    Who playing the Thraso has humble-pie eaten!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"DINNER FORGET."--Lord RANDOLPH is coming home by a Union Company's
+Steamer. The distinguished Unionist is to have a special cook to
+attend to him. Does this mean that he returns as a Special COOK's
+Tourist?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN ELECTION ECHO.
+
+  GLADSTONIAN LAMBERT,
+    Of course, as he should,
+  This last bye-election
+    Considered was good.
+  But Unionist BULLER
+    Has said, on reflection,
+  That to him it seemed rather
+    A Good-Bye election!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEW WORK.--_A Merry England in a Cat's Cradle_, by the Author of
+_Across England in a Dog-Cart_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A VERY REVOLTING PLACE.--Brazil.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE LITTLE GERMANIA MAGNATE;
+
+OR, TRYING TO SWAY THE SCEPTRE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: JONES, SHOOTING IN NEW BOOTS, IS KNOCKED OUT SIX MILES
+FROM HOME, AND ACCORDINGLY IS TOLD OFF TO "MARK" FOR THE PARTY. WIND
+N.N.E., VERY FRESH. THERMOMETER 28 deg..]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR FINANCIAL COLUMN.
+
+I have been forced by the enormous increase of my business to take
+larger offices, and to engage two hundred additional clerks to carry
+on my immense correspondence. I merely mention this as it may be
+satisfactory to my countless well-wishers. But of course the old
+address--"CROESUS: London" will still find me. I publish below a
+selection from the letters received during the week.
+
+(1.) SIR,--You informed me in a private communication, that the Patent
+Spills Manufacturing Co. stock was a splendid investment. Acting on
+this, I bought. From that moment, Spills have fallen steadily. Kindly
+explain.
+
+Yours,
+
+INDIGNANT.
+
+[To this I can only answer, that the complaint is ludicrous, and
+preposterous. If you had bought on the day I advised, and sold out ten
+minutes afterwards, you would have realised a handsome profit of one
+farthing a share. Moreover, how can anything fall steadily? I never
+did, which shows what a fool "INDIGNANT" must be.
+
+CROESUS.]
+
+(2.) SIR,--I send L22,000 19s. 83/4d., which I wish tied up as tightly
+as possible in the Unlimited Packthread Stock Company, which you say
+is as safe as a house. Let me know which particular house you mean.
+The money belongs (or belonged) to my Maiden Aunt.
+
+Yours sincerely,
+
+BALIK RASH.
+
+[Consider it done, my dear Sir; consider it done. I return the three
+farthings, for which I have no possible use. The rest is invested.
+Transfers await your signature at my new office.
+
+CROESUS.]
+
+(3.) SIR,--I have saved L4 5s. 2d. during the last twenty years, and
+now send it to you in the Automatic Toast and Muffin Distributor Co.,
+which I see guarantees a return of 500 per cent., with an anticipated
+increase of 200 per cent. from the sale of concessions in suburban
+districts. "The Muffins," you say, "will always be kept at toasting
+point, and, by a novel and ingenious arrangement, a perpetual supply
+of the best butter will spread itself over every Muffin as it is
+distributed to the Public." I like this very much. Pray, therefore,
+place me on toast to the enclosed amount.
+
+Yours,
+
+ONE IN THE SLOT.
+
+[Have done what you wish. You have already cleared profit of over
+L500. We shall add buns and crumpets to our business to-morrow, and
+tea-cakes on the following day, so as to place it in everybody's power
+to take the cake, if he wants to.
+
+CROESUS.]
+
+I have little more to add this week, but I think it only right to hint
+that I am engaged in perfecting the details of a scheme which will
+revolutionise finance. I am not allowed, _at present_, to enter into
+full particulars, but I may say that I have been in close conference
+with the very highest person in the world of finance, and that he is
+to submit my plan to the next Cabinet Council. Briefly, when my scheme
+is floated, Consols will immediately go to par, and will be converted
+into a security bearing ten per cent. interest--and this without
+a single penny being added to the tax-payers' burdens. I have been
+authorised by the officials of the Treasury to receive any investments
+that my readers may offer. Now, therefore, is your time. Next week I
+may have to take a short holiday, owing to the strain on my nerves,
+caused by my numerous anxieties. But the good work will go on as
+before.
+
+"CROESUS LONDON."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GLORY AT THE LOWEST PRICE.
+
+    [There is nothing whatever to hinder a civilian from
+    organising and managing an efficient army, and there are at
+    any given moment a score of men in the City of London, who
+    could carry out the work with perfect ease.--_Daily Paper,
+    November 19, 1891_.]
+
+    SCENE--_The Army Universal Provision Company Limited (Managing
+    Director, Mr. BLACKLEY). Enter Recruit in Department No.
+    1. He looks round him surprised at the business-like activity
+    that greets him on every side._
+
+_Foreman_ (_politely_). Anything I can do for you, Sir, to-day?
+We have an assortment of Queen's Shillings fresh from the Mint.
+Curiosities, Sir, quite out of date, but interesting. Can I tempt you?
+
+_Recruit_ (_with some hesitation_). Well, I thought of joining the
+Army, and--
+
+_Foreman_ (_interrupting_). Certainly, Sir. Doctor in that room.
+Magistrate in that. Be medically passed and sworn to allegiance while
+you wait. (_Ushers Recruit into various Departments--whence he emerges
+duly enrolled_.) And now, Sir, which branch of the Service would you
+like to see?
+
+_Recruit_. Well, I did think of the Tenth Hussars.
+
+_Foreman_ (_promptly_). Quite right, Sir. First-class Regiment,
+commanded by His Royal Highness Field Marshal the Prince of
+WALES. (_To Assistant._) Show this gentleman the way to the
+outfitting-room--Tenth Hussars.
+
+    [_Recruit in less than no time is fitted out. On his return
+    to the Central Hall he is once more greeted by a principal
+    official._
+
+_Foreman_. Now, Sir, you would like to learn your drill?
+
+_Recruit_. Well, yes--
+
+_Foreman_. Quite so. We teach it in six easy lessons, at twelve
+shillings a lesson. You can pay for it either out of your reserved
+pay, or now. If the latter, we allow five per cent. discount.
+
+_Recruit_ (_without hesitation_). I think I will pay it later.
+
+_Foreman_ (_putting up his receipt-book_). Certainly, Sir, No
+difference to us. And now, Sir, perhaps you will take your lessons.
+
+    [_Recruit goes through a course which soon puts him to-rights.
+    At the end he shakes Foreman warmly by the hand._
+
+_Recruit_. You are sure that I really know my drill?
+
+_Foreman_. Quite. Why, Sir, you are letter perfect. And now, is there
+anything more we can do for you?
+
+_Recruit_. Well, I did join the Army with the intention of going to
+the wars.
+
+_Foreman_ (_apologetically_). Very sorry, Sir, but we haven't the
+article on hand just at present. Sure to have some by-and-by. Is there
+anything else we can do for you, Sir?
+
+_Recruit_. Well, failing a war, I should like a passage to India.
+
+_Foreman_ (_in a deprecatory tone_). Well, Sir, frankly, we cannot
+recommend it. But if you have made up your mind, we must ask you
+to step over to the Waste Department. They settle such-like matters
+there. See over yonder, Sir, where that venerable General on crutches
+is. He has just got a Colonelcy, but he can't hold it very long, as
+he is over eighty! And now I must say adieu, as I have other pupils
+claiming my assistance. Good day!
+
+    [_Starts off, and prepares food for powder in other quarters.
+    Curtain._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "BREEZY BRIGHTON."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE REVOLT OF THE RATEPAYERS AGAINST KING KOUNTY
+KOUNCIL THE FIRST.
+
+(TEMPLE, WEMYSS, AND SAVORY LEAD THE ATTACK.)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BOARD ON BOTH SIDES.
+
+    SCENE--_A Railway Carriage. Present two Passengers
+    discussing the Topics of the Day._
+
+_First Passenger_. And then there's the School Board! I am on my way
+to record my vote.
+
+_Second Pass._ And so am I. I hope, Sir, we are of both of the way of
+thinking?
+
+_First Pass._ I hope so, too. My idea is to give the children of the
+poor every possible advantage. Let them learn all they can. Yes, Sir,
+let them learn all they can.
+
+[Illustration: "Why, it's as plain as the Nose on your face!"]
+
+_Second Pass._ (_excitedly_). But, my dear Sir, what can be the good
+of that? It will be of no use to them in their future, and will only
+make them dissatisfied with their position.
+
+_First Pass._ (_calmly_). Ah, my dear Sir, you evidently take a narrow
+view of the subject. Why should not the poor enjoy equality with the
+rich? It is only the accident of birth that divides the peasant from
+the Peer.
+
+_Second Pass._ (_obstinately_). I do not care about the cause, I
+only look to the result--the rich _are_ divided from the poor. It is
+ridiculous that an orange-girl should play the piano, and a ploughman
+paint a picture.
+
+_First Pass._ (_smiling_). I do not see why. Surely the poor should
+have their little amusements? And do we not have it on decent
+classical authority, "that Art polishes the manners, and renders them
+less ferocious!"
+
+_Second Pass._ (_contemptuously_). Ah! You take a sentimental view
+of it! Believe me, the people would be all the better were they to
+receive a practical--a technical education--say were they to be taught
+how to sweep chimneys, or to blacken boots!
+
+_First Pass._ (_complacently_). They will engage in both those useful
+industries with the greater _gusto_ if they know that when they are at
+leisure they can understand MACAULAY or enjoy BEETHOVEN.
+
+_Second Pass._ (_with conviction_). But you must admit that there is
+a good deal of waste. Consider Mr. FORSTER calculated that the rate
+would be threepence in the pound, and now it's a shilling, and will
+go higher still! Remember that Londoners pay far more dearly than
+citizens of many provincial towns, for an article not one whit better.
+
+_First Pass._ (_with, a genial smile_). Ah, I see you are quoting from
+the Press.
+
+_Second Pass._ (_earnestly_). And why not? Is it true, or is it
+not, that money is squandered upon rotten buildings, upon excessive
+salaries to teachers, and upon the provision of refinements in
+education?
+
+_First Pass._ (_smiling_). Still quoting! But if I admit that there
+is something in what you say, is it not always the case? Have we ever
+unmixed good, or unmixed evil? And I contend that the same advantages
+derivable from a School-Board education entirely compensate for a
+little loss.
+
+_Second Pass._ (_rather out of temper_). Well, you take it calmly
+enough.
+
+_First Pass._ (_amiably_). Why not? It is my theory that every child
+should have the best possible education. The infant should have enough
+mental food to last him for life. It is our duty that he should got
+it.
+
+_Second Pass._ (_with irritation_). Well, at least you take an
+unselfish view of the case.
+
+_First Pass._ (_smiling sweetly_). I don't see that! As a matter of
+fact, I am sufficiently successful not to care for competition. I
+believe that I am first-rate in my own walk; and, however the School
+Board may educate, they will not reach my standard.
+
+_Second Pass._ (_drily_). I was not thinking of that, although it is a
+consideration. But how about the rates, my dear Sir--the rates?
+
+_First Pass._ (_with a good-humoured laugh_). Oh, bother the rates! I
+don't see where they come in.
+
+_Second Pass._ (_with ghastly jocularity_). But I do--by the front
+door.
+
+_First Pass._ (_condescendingly_). Tut, tut! But what have the rates
+to do with the matter?
+
+_Second Pass._ (_astonished_). Why, at a shilling in the pound and
+more to follow, you must admit they make a hole in a modest income?
+
+_First Pass._ (_enthusiastically_). And what if they do, Sir--what if
+they do? Have we no duty to our fellow man? Ought we not to sacrifice
+something on his behalf--for his sake? And, my dear Sir, I speak all
+the more dispassionately, because my rates are paid--_by my Landlord!_
+[_Curtain._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.--"HISTORICAL GARDENER."--Yes, certainly--it
+was "The Gallows-tree," from which "The Hanging Gardens of Babylon"
+took their name. Any school-boy knows this.--"INQUIRING BUOY."--No;
+the Nore Light is not a candelabraham.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOW IT'S DONE!
+
+[Illustration]
+
+DEAREST MADGE,
+
+  You have asked me to tell you some scandal!
+    You seem to forget how I hate such a theme--
+  How I loathe and detest every girl who's a Vandal,
+    Destroying that fine work of Art, Nature's Scheme.
+  Why, I _never_ talk scandal, you goose, and you know it;
+    It's no fascination whatever to _me_.
+  I _could_ tell some, of course, for we county folk grow it
+    Like so many apples and pears on a tree.
+
+  I repeat, I detest such a thing beyond measure.
+    I'm not like dear MAUD, who my husband declares
+  Was invented and made to exist on the pleasure
+    Of dragging to light other people's affairs.
+  _She_ would forward you scandalous tales by the dozen--
+    There's no one like _her_ if you want any news.
+  I declare she's as bad as her wretch of a cousin,
+    Who's bolted with Major FITZ-DASH, of the Blues.
+
+  Now, for instance, she told me (in confidence, mind you)
+    That Captain BLANK CARTRIDGE, when playing at Nap,
+  Has an odious habit of getting behind you,
+    And calling according to what's on your lap.
+  (By the way, we have only just heard that the Major,
+    Who gave Lady B. such a beautiful horse,
+  Is a perfect _Don Juan_, and quite an old stager
+    At playing a prominent part in divorce.)
+
+  More than that, she assures me (although I don't doubt it)
+    That D., though apparently sober and staid,
+  Is a flirt, and that people are talking about it
+    Indignantly here. And it's true, I'm afraid;
+  For I heard Mrs. PARSONS, the wife of the Vicar,
+    Inform Countess C. (who's forgiven, you know)
+  That each day she appears to get thicker and thicker
+    With N., though engaged to be married to O.
+
+  MAUD has written to mother, and said in her letter
+    (Marked "private ") that T., who has taken to drink,
+  And been sent to a sort of a home, is no better,
+    And quenches his thirst, when he can, with the ink.
+  And the Dowager Duchess of M. (the old sinner!)
+    Has dropped all the money she had backing gees;
+  While the Colonel, who's said to have spotted the winner,
+    Owns most of the horses that _lost_, if you please!
+
+  But dear MAUD is the one for the news that's exciting.
+    You've wasted your paper in sending to _me_.
+  I would just as soon think, love, of flying as writing
+    _One word_ of the scandal of afternoon tea.
+  Give my love to your mother, and kisses to DORA--
+    (She's doing the season with you, I presume?)
+  And believe me your ever affectionate, FLORA.
+
+    P.S. Mrs. K. has eloped with her groom!
+
+_Scandal Hall, Torking_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ONLY FANCY!
+
+We find the following paragraph in a contemporary:--
+
+    A meeting on the Somersetshire floods has been summoned by the
+    Earl of CORK, Lord-Lieutenant of the County, for to-morrow, at
+    Bridgewater.
+
+We are bound to observe that this arrangement displays a lamentable
+lack of consideration for others on the part of the noble convener.
+It is all very well for the Earl of CORK to select the Somersetshire
+floods for a place of meeting. But whilst CORK is bobbing up and down,
+buoyantly enjoying himself, what is to become of ordinary persons
+foregathered in such circumstances? We presume that boats, or at
+least life-belts, will be provided for the movers and seconders of the
+various resolutions. Or does Bridgewater cover everything?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Walking down St. James' Street the other day, whom should we meet but
+the Earl of PORTSMOUTH, long known in the House of Commons as Lord
+LYMINGTON. Opportunity was taken to inquire whether a recent event in
+South Molton had led to any estrangement between his Lordship and his
+former constituents.
+
+"No, TOBY," said the belted Earl; "I think I may say, that, between
+me and my old constituents, the wing of friendship has not Molton a
+feather."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In the foregoing paragraph, the phrase "belted Earl," is used
+advisedly. At the period of which Sir WALTER SCOTT wrote (_vide_
+any of his novels) it will be found that members of this rank of the
+Peerage are all spoken of as belted. For some time the fashion fell
+out of use. The belt was appropriately revived by the late Earl of
+BEACONSFIELD, and is now quite a common thing with the aristocracy.
+The Earl of SELBORNE is very particular about the fit and cut of his.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. BOYCE, in his interesting and picturesque work, _Snowdon and
+Rained Upon_, insists on the desirability of taking only a light
+luncheon when engaged upon a pedestrian tour. He adds, "I walked up
+Snowdon on two hard-boiled eggs." The remark seems scarcely relevant,
+but it records a notable achievement. Considering the height of
+Snowdon, and the occasional stoniness of the path, to walk up it on
+two eggs, howsoever hard-boiled, is a feat that puts in the shade the
+Music-hall trick of riding up an inclined plane of rope on a bicycle.
+Mr. BOYCE does not say what he came down upon. Probably his back.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+We hear from Munich that underneath the motto, _Suprema lex regis
+voluntas_, written in the Visitors' Book by the Emperor of GERMANY,
+there now appears the following line--_Rex est major singulis, minor
+universis_. Herr HITHERCLIFT, the well-known German authority, having
+made a careful examination of the page, states his opinion that the
+handwriting is that of Prince BISMARCK, or is an excellent imitation.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A WARLIKE TALE FROM THE PACIFIC.
+
+(_FRAGMENT FROM THE POSSIBLE DIARY OF A REALISTIC NOVELIST._)
+
+Well, now I think I have got matters pretty straight. The question is,
+whether the Baron will accept my last message as chaff, or resent it.
+Let me see, how does it read--"It is suggested, for the President's
+consideration, that rumours uncorrected or unexplained acquire almost
+the force of admitted truth." Quite so--so they do. Let me see--"That
+any want of confidence between the governed and the Government must be
+hurtful"--well, to us both. Yes! That's all right. So it will! Lastly,
+"That the rumours, in their present form, tend to damage the white
+races in the native mind, and to influence for the worse the manners
+of the Samoans." Now, that _ought_ to fetch him! A wink is as good as
+a nod to a blind pig! However, he is quite ass enough to do nothing!
+Everybody saying that he is going to blow us all up, himself included!
+Why it's enough to make the natives rise and kill every white man in
+the place. Still, good idea for a story.
+
+_Later_. The idiot! Instead of promptly denying the facts, he says he
+won't have anything to do with us, because "we care so little for the
+correctness of the facts we deal with." We only asked for information.
+Are we going to be blown into smithereens, or are we not? That's the
+point, and he won't tell us! Wants to know what business it is of
+ours? The situation is decidedly dramatic--but unpleasant!
+
+_Later Still_.--Have replied that "the matter very much concerns us."
+Tell him, we wrote, not for protection, but for information. "Are we
+going to be blown up, or are we not?" An answer will oblige.
+
+_A Little Later_.--No, he is not to be drawn. Won't swerve an inch.
+So now we are trying another dodge. Will he resign his dual office?
+He says he will resign one. But he knows that won't do. If he remains
+chief adviser to the King, we shall be nowhere. His last idea is to
+resign the Presidentship of the Municipal Council. Why, we are the
+Council, and we should have kicked him out if he hadn't! Very funny,
+but it's hard to laugh when one's within an ace of a massacre or an
+explosion.
+
+_Latest_.--Still in doubt. However, have a subject for something
+in the dramatic line. What the entertainment will be, depends upon
+the future development of the plot. At present it may turn out a
+Tragedy--or an _Opera-bouffe_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
+Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol.
+101, November 28, 1891, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+***** This file should be named 14123.txt or 14123.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/1/2/14123/
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+https://gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at
+https://pglaf.org/fundraising.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at https://pglaf.org
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit https://pglaf.org
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including including checks, online payments and credit card
+donations.  To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     https://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.