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diff --git a/old/14123-8.txt b/old/14123-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e1640fb --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14123-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1662 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101, +November 28, 1891, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101, November 28, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 22, 2004 [EBook #14123] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 101. + + + +November 28, 1891. + + + + +LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS. + +NO. VII.--TO VANITY. + +DEAR VANITY, + +Imagine my feelings when I read the following letter. It lay quite +innocently on my breakfast-table in a heap of others. It was stamped +in the ordinary way, post-marked in the ordinary way, and addressed +correctly, though how the charming writer discovered my address +I cannot undertake to say; in fact, there was nothing in its +outward appearance to distinguish it from the rest of my everyday +correspondence. I opened it carelessly, and this is what I read:-- + +[Illustration] + +RIDICULOUS BEING,--In the course of a fairly short life I have read +many absurd things, but never in all my existence have I read anything +so absurd as your last letter. I don't say that your amiable story +about HERMIONE MAYBLOOM is not absolutely true; in fact, I knew +HERMIONE _very slightly_ myself when everybody was raving about her, +and I never _could_ understand what all you men (for, of course, +you are a man; no woman could be so foolish) saw in her to make you +lose your preposterous heads. To me she always seemed _silly_ and +_affected_, and _not in the least_ pretty, with her snub nose, and her +fuzzy hair. So I am rather glad, not from any personal motive, but +for the sake of _truth_ and _justice_, that you have shown her up. +No; what I do complain of is, your evident intention to make the world +believe that only women are vain. You pretend to lecture us about +our shortcomings, and you don't seem to know that there is no vainer +creature in existence than a man. No peacock that ever strutted with +an expanded tail is one-half so ridiculous or silly as a man. I +make no distinctions--_all men are the same_; at least, that's my +experience, and that of every woman I ever met. + +How do you suppose a woman like HERMIONE succeeds as she does? Why she +finds out (it doesn't take long, I assure you) the weak points of the +men she meets; their wretched jealousies, affectations and conceits, +and then artfully proceeds to flatter them and make each of them think +his particular self the lord of creation, until she has all the weak +and foolish creatures wound round her little finger, and slavishly +ready to fetch and carry for her. And all the time you go about and +boast of your conquest to one another, and imagine that _you_ have +subjugated her. But she sits at home and laughs at you, and _despises_ +you all from the flinty bottom of her heart. Bah! you're a pack of +fools, and I've no patience with you. As for you personally, if you +_must_ write any more, tell your fellow men something about their own +follies. It won't be news to _us_, but it may open _their_ eyes. If +you can't do that, you had better retire into your tub, and cease your +painful barking altogether. I've got my eye on you, so be careful. I +remain (thank goodness) + +A WOMAN. + + * * * * * + +Now that was not altogether an agreeable breakfast dish. And the worst +of it was that it was so supremely unjustifiable. Had my indignant +correspondent honoured me with her address, I should have answered +her at once. "Madam," I should have said, "your anger outstrips your +reason. I always intended to say something about men. I had already +begun a second letter to my friend VANITY on the subject. I can +therefore afford to forgive your hard words, and to admit that there +is a certain amount of truth in your strictures on us. But please +don't write to me again so furiously. Such excessive annoyance is +quite out of keeping with your pretty handwriting, and besides, it +takes away my appetite to think I have even involuntarily given you +pain. Be kind enough to look out for my next letter, but don't, for +goodness' sake, tell me what you think about it, unless it should +happen to please you. In that case I shall, of course, be proud and +glad to hear from you again." + +I now proceed, therefore, to carry out my intention, and, as usual, +I address myself to the fountain head. My dear VANITY, I never shall +understand why you take so much trouble to get hold of men. They are +not a pleasing sight when you have got them, and after a time it +must cease to amuse even you to see yourself reproduced over and over +again, and in innumerable ridiculous ways. For instance, there is +Dr. PEAGAM, the celebrated author of _Indo-Hebraic Fairy Tales: a new +Theory of their Rise and Development, with an Excursus on an Early +Aryan Version of_ "_Three Blind Mice_." Dr. PEAGAM is learned; he has +the industry of a beaver; he is a correspondent of goodness knows how +many foreign philosophical, philological, and mythological societies; +his record of University distinctions has never been equalled; his +advice has been sought by German Professors. Yet he carries all this +weight of celebrity and learning as lightly as if it were a wideawake, +and seems to think nothing of it. But he has his weak point, and, like +Achilles, he has it in his feet. + +This veteran investigator, this hoary and venerable Doctor, would +cheerfully give years off his life if only the various philosophers +who from time to time sit at his feet would recognise that those feet +are small, and compliment him on the fact. They _are_ small, there is +no doubt of it, but not small enough to be encased without agony in +the tiny, natty, pointed boots that he habitually wears. Let anybody +who wants to get anything out of Dr. PEAGAM lead the conversation +craftily on to the subject of feet and their proper size. Let him then +make the discovery (aloud) that the Doctor's feet are extraordinarily +small and beautiful, and I warrant that there is nothing the +Doctor can bestow which shall not be freely offered to this cunning +flatterer. That is why Dr. PEAGAM, a modest man in most respects, +always insists on sitting in the front row on any platform, and +ostentatiously dusts his boots with a red silk pocket-handkerchief. + +Then, again, who is there that has not heard of Major-General +WHACKLEY, V.C., the hero who captured the ferocious Ameer of Mudwallah +single-handed, and carried him on his back to the English camp--the +man to whose dauntless courage, above all others, the marvellous +victory of Pilferabad was due? Speak to him on military matters, +and you will find the old warrior as shy as a school-girl; but only +mention the word poetry, and you'll have him reciting his ballads and +odes to you by the dozen, and declaiming for hours together about the +obtuseness of the publishing fraternity. + +I don't speak now of literary men who value themselves above LAMB, +DICKENS, and THACKERAY, rolled into one; nor of artists who sneer at +TITIAN; nor of actors who hold GARRICK to be absurdly overrated. Space +would fail me, and patience you. But let me just for a brief moment +call to your mind ROLAND PRETTYMAN. Upon my soul, I think ROLAND the +most empty-headed fribble, the most affected coxcomb, and the most +conceited noodle in the whole world. He was decently good-looking +once, and he had a pretty knack of sketching in water-colours. + +But oh, the huge, distorted, overweening conceit of the man! I have +seen him lying full length on a couch, waving a scented handkerchief +amongst a crowd of submissive women, who were grovelling round him, +while he enlarged in his own pet jargon on the surpassing merits +of his latest unpublished essay, or pointed out the beauties of the +trifling pictures which were the products of his ineffective brush. +He will never accomplish anything, and yet to the end of his life, +I fancy, he will have his circle of toadies and flatterers who will +pretend to accept him as the evangelist of a glorious literary and +artistic gospel. For unfortunately he is as rich as he is impudent +and incompetent. And when he drives out in a Hansom he never ceases to +simper at his reflected image in the little corner looking-glasses, by +means of which modern cab-proprietors pander to the weakness of men. +Such is your handiwork, my excellent VANITY. Are you proud of it? + +Yours, &c., + +DIOGENES ROBINSON. + + * * * * * + +ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. + +"ONE WHO DOESN'T KNOW EVERYTHING."--You ask, What are the duties +of "the Ranger"? Household duties only. He has to inspect the +kitchen-ranges in the kitchens of Buckingham Palace, Windsor Castle, +Balmoral, and Osborne. Hence the style and title. He also edits Cook's +Guides. + +"ANOTHER IDIOT" wishes to know if there is such an appointment in the +gift of the Crown as the office of "Court Sweep." Why, certainly; and, +on State occasions, he wears the Court Soot, and his broom is always +waiting for him at the entrance! At Balmoral and Osborne there is a +beautiful sweep leading the visitor right up to the front door. + +"ONE MORE UNFORTUNATE" writes us,--"Sir, in what poem of MILTON's does +the following couplet occur?-- + + I'll light the _gas_ soon, + To play the _bas_-soon. + +How are the lines to be scanned?" _Ans._--On internal evidence, we +question whether the lines are MILTON's. In the absence of our Poet, +who is out for a holiday, we can only reply, that if shortsighted, +you can scan them by the aid of a powerful glass--of your favourite +compound. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "THE SWEET LITTLE CHERUB THAT SITS UP ALOFT." + +(_Modern Version, as it must be_.)] + + ["The Associated Chamber of Commerce ask that the Coastguard + stations, shore-lighthouses, rock lighthouses, and light-ships + of the United Kingdom, should, as far as possible, be + connected by telegraph or telephone with the general telegraph + system of the country, 'as a means for the protection of life + and property, as well as for national defence.'... France and + America, Holland and Denmark, provide their seamen with this + great safeguard in the hour of their utmost need. IS England + content to let her sailors die by hundreds for want of a + little money, or for want of a little care?"--_Times_.] + + _Prospero_. Why, that's my spirit! + But was not this nigh shore? + + _Ariel_. Close by, my master. + + _Prospero_. But are they, Ariel, safe? + + _Ariel_. Not a hair perish'd. + + _Tempest_, Act I., Scene 2. + + _CONTENT_? There's many an English heart will hear with fierce amaze + That England lags so far behind in these electric days-- + England, whose seamen are her shield, who vaunts in speech and song, + The love she bears her mariners! Wake, CAMPBELL, swift and strong + Of swell and sweep as the salt waves you sang as none could sing! + Rouse DIBDIN, of the homelier flight, but steady waft of wing! + Poetic shades, _this_ question, sure, should pierce the ear of death, + And make ye vocal once again with quick, indignant breath. + _Content_? Whilst round our rocky coasts the souls who guard them sink, + Death clutching from the clamorous brine, hope beaconing from the brink, + With lifted hands toward the lights that beam but to betray, + Because dull Britons fail to think, or hesitate to pay? + No! With that question a fierce thrill through countless listeners went, + And, hoarse with indignation, rings the answer, "_Not_ Content!" + + When the Armada neared our coast in days now dubbed as "dark," + Pre-scientific Englishmen, whom no Electric Spark + Had witched with its white radiance, yet sped from height to height + Of Albion's long wild sea-coast line the ruddy warning Light. + "Cape beyond Cape, in endless range, those twinkling points of fire"[1] + _Reveillé_ shot from sea to sea, from wave-washed shire to shire, + Inland, from hill to hill, it flashed wherever English hand + Helpful at need in English cause could grip an English brand. + To-day? Well, round our jutting cliffs, across our hollowing bays + Thicker the light-ship beacons flash, the lighthouse lanterns blaze. + From sweep to sweep, from steep to steep, our shores are starred with light, + Burning across the briny floods through the black mirk of night, + Forth-gleaming like the eyes of Hope, or like the fires of Home, + Upon the eager eyes of men far-straining o'er the foam. + Good! But how greatly less than good to fear, to think, to know + That inland England's less alert against a whelming foe + Than when bonfire and beacon flared mere flame of wood and pitch, + From Surrey hills to Skiddaw! + Science-dowered, serenely rich, + Safe in its snugly sheltered homes, our England lies at ease, + Whilst round her cliffs gale-scourged to wrath the tiger-throated seas + Thunder in ruthless ravening rage, with rending crash and shock, + Through the dull night and blinding drift on leagues of reef and rock. + More furious than the Spaniards they, more fierce, persistent foes, + These deep-gorged, pallid, foaming waves. Yes, bright the beacon glows, + Warmly the lighthouse wafts its blaze of welcome o'er the brine; + The shore's hard by, but where the hands to whirl the rescuing line? + To launch the boat?--to hurl the buoy? The lighthouse men look out + Upon their wreck-borne brethren there, their hearts are soft as stout, + But signals will not pierce this dark, shouts rise o'er this fierce roar, + Rescue may wait at hand, but--_there's no cable to the shore!_ + + Content with _this_? Nay, callous he whom this stirs not to rage, + _Punch_ pictures, with prophetic pen, a brighter cheerier page, + Which _must be turned_, and speedily: + Good Mr. PROSPERO BULL, + Your _Ariel_ is the Electric Sprite, DIBDIN, of pity full + For tempest-tost Poor JACK, descried a Cherub up aloft + Watch-keeping o'er his venturous life. That symbol, quoted oft, + Must find new form to fit the time. The _Ariel_ of the Spark + Must watch around our storm-lashed coast in tempest and in dark, + Guardian of homeward-bound Poor JACK, to spread the news of fear, + And tell him, battling with the storm, that rescuing hands, though near, + Are not made helpless in his hour of agonising need, + By ignorance that heeds not, and neglect that fails to heed. + +[Footnote 1: MACAULAY's _Armada._] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: NATURAL HISTORY. + +"OH, _LOOK_, MUMMIE! NOW IT'S LEFT OFF RAINING, HE'S COME OUT OF HIS +KENNEL!"] + + * * * * * + +ALL BERRY WELL. + +SIR,--As there is so much talk just now about the best way in which +to make Coffee, I will mention the plan I adopt, in the hope that +some of your readers may imitate it in their own homes. It is very +simple. You take some of the excellent "Coffee Mixture," sold by the +"Arabo-Egyptian Pure Parisian Berry Company, Limited," at sixpence +the pound. You need not give more than one tea-spoon to every four +persons, as the coffee is very good and thick. Add condensed milk, +and fill with water, after which, let the pot stand on the hob an hour +before use. You would be surprised at the quality of the fluid which +results. It gives general satisfaction in my own circle. My nephew, +who lives with me, declares that it is the only genuine coffee he has +drunk since he returned from the East. He usually, however, has his +breakfast out. My General Servant says that "she prefers it to beer" +(though she takes both), and has asked me for some to send to an +Aunt of hers with whom she has quarrelled. I think this very nice and +forgiving of her, and have allowed her a quarter of a pound for that +purpose. My son-in-law, who unfortunately is rather addicted to drink, +says it is "the finest tap he ever tasted," and adds that if he could +be sure of always having such Coffee, he would join the Blue Ribbon +Army at once. Hitherto he has not joined. + + Yours humbly, + MARTHA HUSWIFE. + +SIR,--At my "Home for Elderly Orphans of Defective Brain Power," I +give an _excellent_ Coffee, made of five parts chicory, and one of +Mocha, supplied at a cheap rate by a House in the City, which owes +me money, and is paying it off in this way, with skim-milk added, in +moderation, and no sugar. None of the orphans has ever complained of +my Coffee. I should like to catch them doing so. It is nonsense to say +the art of coffee-making is unknown in England. + + Yours, indignantly, + CLEOPATRA JONES. + +SIR,--Here is the recipe for Coffee which we use at this Buffet:-- + +"Place one pound of the 'Nonpareil Turkish Pasha's Special Brand +Extract of finest Mocha' in the urn in the morning. Pour on boiling +water to half-way up. Let it stew all day. Draw off as wanted, and +dilute with 'Anglo-African Condensed Cows' Milk.'" + +Strange to say, we do not find great demand either for Coffee or Tea +(made on similar principles); but it is as well that the Public should +know that we have both in constant readiness, and of first-class +quality. The traveller who has drunk a cup of this Coffee in +conjunction with one of our celebrated Home-made Pork Pies, does not +require anything else till the end of the very longest journey, and, +probably, not even then. + + KEEPER OF THE REFRESHMENT ROOM, STARVEM JUNCTION. + + * * * * * + +THE GEORGIAN ERA AT THE ALHAMBRA.--Mrs. ABBOTT is an electric wonder. +Not strong muscularly, but with sufficient electric power to support +four or five of the inferior sex heaped anyhow on a chair. Such a +woman is a crown to a husband--nay, any amount of crowns at £200 +per week--and capable of supporting a family, however large, all by +her own exertions, or indeed, with scarcely any exertion at all. At +present, though married, she is a _femme seule_: but how long will she +remain the only electric wonder in London? Many years ago there was +a one-legged dancer named DONATO. Within sixteen weeks there were as +many one-legged dancers. We don't speak by the card, of course, but +one-legged dancers became a drug in the market. Already we hear of "A +Dynamic Phenomenon" at the Pavilion. Little Mrs. ABBOTT is an active, +spry little person, yet her "_vis inertiæ_" is, at present, without a +parallel. + + * * * * * + +THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS. + +NO. XVI. + + SCENE--_Terrace and Grounds of the Grand Hôtel Villa d'Este, + on Lake Como. PODBURY and CULCHARD are walking up and down + together._ + +_Podbury._ Well, old chap, your resigning like that has made all the +difference to _me_, I can tell you! + +_Culchard._ If I have succeeded in advancing your cause with Miss +PRENDERGAST, I am all the better pleased, of course. + +_Podb._ You have, and no mistake. She's regularly taken me in hand, +don't you know--she says I've no intelligent appreciation of Italian +Art; and gad, I believe she's right there! But I'm pulling up--bound +to teach you a lot, seeing all the old altar-pieces I do! And she +gives me the right tips, don't you see; she's no end of a clever girl, +so well-read and all that! But I say--about Miss TROTTER? Don't want +to be inquisitive, you know, but you don't seem to be much _about_ +with her. + +[Illustration: "Bound to teach you a lot, seeing all the old +altar-pieces I do!"] + +_Culch._ I--er--the feelings I entertain towards Miss TROTTER have +suffered no change--quite the reverse, only--and I wish to impress +this upon you, PODBURY--it is undesirable, for--er--many reasons, +to make my attentions--er--too conspicuous. I--I trust you have not +alluded to the matter to--well, to Miss PRENDERGAST, for example? + +_Podb._ Not I, old fellow--got other things to talk about. But I don't +quite see why-- + +_Culch._ You are not _required_ to see. I don't _wish_ it, that is +all. I--er--think that should be sufficient. + +_Podb._ Oh, all right, _I'll_ keep dark. But she's bound to know +sooner or later, now she and Miss TROTTER have struck up such +a friendship. And HYPATIA will be awfully pleased about it--why +_shouldn't_ she, you know?... I'm going to see if there's anyone on +the tennis-court, and get a game if I can. Ta-ta! + +_Culch._ (_alone_). PODBURY knows very little about women. If +HYP--Miss PRENDERGAST--once found out _why_ I renounced my suitorship, +I should have very little peace, I know that--I've taken particular +care not to betray my attachment to MAUD. I'm afraid she's beginning +to notice it, but I must be careful. I don't like this sudden intimacy +between them--it makes things so very awkward. They've been sitting +under that tree over there for the last half-hour, and goodness only +knows what confidences they may have exchanged! I really must go up +and put a stop to it, presently. + +_UNDER THE TREE._ + +_Hypatia._ I only tell you all this, sweetest one, because I _do_ +think you have rather too low an opinion of men as a class, and I +wanted to show you that I have met at least _one_ man who was capable +of a real and disinterested devotion. + +_Maud._ Well, I allowed that was about your idea. + +_Hyp._ And don't you recognise that it was very fine of him to give up +everything for his friend's sake? + +_Maud_. I guess it depends how much "everything" amounted to. + +_Hyp._ (_annoyed_). I thought, darling, I had made it perfectly plain +what a sacrifice it meant to him. _I_ know how much he--I needn't tell +you there are certain symptoms one can_not_ be deceived in. + +_Maud._ No, I guess you needn't tell me _that_, love. And it was +perfectly lovely of him to give you up, when he was under vow for you +and all, sooner than stand in his friend's light--only I don't just +see how that was going to help his friend any. + +_Hyp._ Don't you, dearest? Not when the friend was under vow for me, +too? + +_Maud._ Well, HYPATIA PRENDERGAST! And how many admirers do you have +around under vow, as a regular thing? + +_Hyp._ There were only those two. RUSKIN permits as many as seven at +one time. + +_Maud._ That's a vurry liberal allowance, too. I don't see how there'd +be sufficient suitors to go round. But maybe each gentleman can be +under vow for seven distinct girls, to make things sort of square now? + +_Hyp._ Certainly not. The whole beauty of the idea lies in the +unselfish and exclusive devotion of every knight to the same sovereign +lady. In this case I happen to know that the--a--individual had never +met his ideal until-- + +_Maud._ Until he met you? At Nuremberg, wasn't it? My! And what was +his name? Do tell! + +_Hyp._ You must not press me, sweetest, for I cannot tell that--even +to you. + +_Maud._ I don't believe but what I could guess. But say, you didn't +care any for _him_, or you'd never have let him go like that? _I_ +wouldn't. I should have suspected there was something behind! + +_Hyp._ My feelings towards him were purely potential. I did him the +simple justice to believe that his self-abnegation was sincere. But, +with your practical, cynical little mind, darling, you are hardly +capable of--excuse me for saying so--of appreciating the real value +and meaning of such magnanimity! + +_Maud._ Oh, I guess I _am_, though. Why, here's Mr. CULCHARD coming +along. Well, Mr. CULCHARD? + +_Culch._ I--ah--appear to have interrupted a highly interesting +conversation? + +_Maud._ Well, we were having a little discussion, and I guess you're +in time to give the casting vote--HYPATIA, you want to keep just +where you are, do you hear? I mean you should listen to Mr. CULCHARD's +opinion. + +_Culch._ (_flattered_). Which I shall be delighted to give, if you +will put me in possession of the--er--facts. + +_Maud._ Well, these are the--er--facts. There were two gentlemen under +vow--maybe you'll understand the working of that arrangement better +than I do?--under vow for the same young lady. [HYPATIA PRENDERGAST, +sit still, or I declare I'll pinch you!] One of them comes up and +tells her that he's arrived at the conclusion the other admirer is +the better man, and, being a friend of his, he ought to retire in +his favour, and he does it, too, right away. Now _I_ say that isn't +natural--he'd some other motive. Miss PRENDERGAST here will have it +he was one of those noble unselfish natures that deserve they should +be stuffed for a museum. What's _your_ opinion now? + +_Culch._ (_perspiring freely_). Why--er--really, on so delicate a +matter, I--I-- [_He maunders._ + +_Hyp._ MAUD, why _will_ you be so headstrong! (_In a rapid whisper._) +Can't you see ... can't you _guess_?... + +_Maud._ I guess I want to make sure Mr. CULCHARD isn't that kind of +magnanimous man himself. I shouldn't want him to renounce _me_! + +_Hyp._ MAUD! You might at _least_ wait until Mr. CULCHARD has-- + +_Maud._ Oh, but he _did_--weeks ago, at Bingen. And at Lugano, too, +the other day, he spoke out tolerable plain. I guess he didn't wish +any secret made about it--_did_ you, Mr. CULCHARD? + +_Culch._ I--ah--this conversation is rather ... If you'll excuse me-- +[_Escapes with as much dignity as he can command._ + +_Maud._ Well, my dear,--that's the sort of self-denying hairpin _he_ +is! What do you think of him _now_? + +_Hyp._ I do not think so highly of him, I confess. His renunciation +was evidently less prompted by consideration for his friend than by a +recollection--tardy enough, I am afraid--of the duty which bound him +to _you_, dearest. But if you had seen and heard him, as I did, you +would not have doubted the _reality_ of the sacrifice, whatever the +true reason may have been. For myself, I am conscious of neither anger +nor sorrow--my heart, as I told you, was never really affected. But +what must it be to _you_, darling! + +_Maud._ Well, I believe I'm more amused than anything. + +_Hyp._ Amused! But surely you don't mean to have anything more to do +with him? + +_Maud._ My dear girl, I intend to have considerable more to do with +him before I'm through. He's under vow for _me_ now, anyway, and I +don't mean he should forget it, either. He's my monkey, and he's got +to jump around pretty lively, at the end of a tolerable short chain, +too. And I guess, if it comes to renouncing, all the magnanimity's +going to be on _my_ side this time! + +_IN AN AVENUE._ + +_Culch._ (_to himself, as he walks hurriedly on_). I only saved myself +in time. I don't _think_ MAUD noticed anything--she couldn't nave been +so innocent and indifferent if she had.... And HYPATIA won't enlighten +her any further now--after what she knows. It's rather a relief that +she _does_ know.... She took it very well, poor girl--_very_ well. +I expect she is really beginning to put up with PODBURY--I'm sure I +_hope_ so, sincerely! + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration] + +"I dearly love reading a ghost-story," quoth the Baron, "when, as the +song says, 'The lights are low, And the flickering shadows, Softly +come and go.' And I did hope that _Cecilia de Noël_ was going to be +just the very sort of book for a winter's fireside. Disappointed. +There is a ghost in it, and there's _Cecilia de Noël_ (good +Christmassy name, isn't it?) who instructs the ghost in his neglected +Catechism; for the ghost is as much an Atheist as the unbelieving +Sadducee in this same story, who, after all, is not converted. 'Alas! +Poor Ghost!' Very poor ghost! Bring me another ghost!" cries the +Baron. No other ghost is forthcoming to the invocation, but a book is +placed in his hands entitled _Fourteen to One_. The Baron was about +to dismiss it as a betting book--judging by its title--when his eye +caught the name of ELIZABETH STUART PHELPS as authoress. So he read +many of the short stories therein. She has in many places the touch of +DICKENS. All are good; but for pathos, keen observation, and dramatic +surprise, "give me," says the Baron, emphatically, "the short story of +_The Madonna of the Tubs_." Admirable! Those who take and act upon the +Baron's tip, will do well to ask for _Fourteen to One_, and see that +they get it. + +What are the Baron's sentiments as to Christmas things? He refused +to have anything to say to games and cards. Cards--well, we all know +whose books some puritanical party said _they_ were. But these comic +and artistic Christmas Cards of RAPHAEL TUCK do not come into that +category; and same is to be said of Messrs. HILDESHEIMER's, so there's +an end on't. Henceforth, says the Baron, "No Cards." + +"Come to me, O ye children," as some one sings--ARTHUR CECIL for +choice--and it might be adapted for the occasion by the Publishers +of _Chatterbox_, in which box there's a prize. Messrs. ROUTLEDGE go +in for the old, old tales. They've kindly given _Mother Hubbard_ a +new dress; and as for their Panorama of the "Beasteses," it is like +a picture-walk in the Zoo. _Some Historic Women_, well selected by +DAVENPORT ADAMS, who should have styled it _Christmas Eves by Adams_. +With Mrs. MOLESWORTH's _Bewitched Lamp_ the Baron's Assistant is much +pleased. Pictures ought to have been in oil, and there should have +been a Wickéd Fairy in it,--but there isn't. + +My "Co." reports that Mrs. GRIMWOOD's long-expected book, _My Three +Years in Manipur_ (BENTLEY), is worthy of the theme, and adds a fresh +laurel to the chaplet worn by the lady on whose breast the QUEEN +pinned the Red Cross. The moving story is told with a simplicity that +looks like the development of the highest art. But the heroine of +Manipur is unmistakably artless. She is content to jot down, as if +she were writing a letter home, her impressions of what she sees, +and her account of what passes before her eyes. She has the gift of +reproducing with a few strokes of the pen, portraiture of anything +that has struck her. The only thing missed is detailed report of her +own brave bearing through the fearful night when the Residency was +attacked, and during the dreadful days that followed on the flight +towards Cachar. No one reading Mrs. GRIMWOOD's narrative would guess +what splendid part she played in that tragedy. Fortunately that has +been told elsewhere, and the omission is an added charm to a book that +has many others--including a portrait of the author. + +THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS AND CO. + + * * * * * + +CIVIL SERVICE EXHIBITION. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--The Military Exhibition was such a success, and +the Naval Exhibition was such a successor, that we Government Clerks +invoke your powerful aid to help us to establish next year a Civil +Service Exhibition. The Public have really no idea what wondrous +curiosities there are in the Civil Service, and would, I feel sure, +be amused and instructed at a well-organised and representative +Exhibition. At 10.15 A.M. they would see real live Clerks sign real +Attendance-Books, and insert (real or unreal) times of arrival. In the +course of the morning there might be an Exhibition of Civil Servants +over sixty-five years of age, who didn't want to retire, with a +similar number of Civil Servants, of fifty-five years of age, who +didn't want them to stay. In the afternoon, in the Arena, would daily +be attempted the difficult feat of proceeding from the Second Division +to the Higher Division. The obstacles would be represented by real +Treasury Clerks and Civil Service Commissioners, holding Orders in +Council and Treasury Minutes; and the Clerk successful in performing +the feat might be created a Duke. + +In one of the kiosks a lecture on _"Sick Leave and how to spend it," +by the Earl and the Doctor_, might be delivered hourly. In another +kiosk, official C.B.'s would be on show; Jubilee C.B.'s being classed +together on one side, and special prominence being given to those +C.B.'s who hadn't applied for the honour, and to those who had +obtained it for real services otherwise unrecognised. After dark the +"Treasury Ring" might join hands and dance round the flashing light of +their own unassisted intellect. + +The different refreshment rooms (furnished by the Office of Works) +would be classified according to the varying rates of Subsistence +Allowance in force in the Service. Here the dinner for the £1-a-day +man--there the tea for the 10s.-a-day man. Special luncheon rates +for those not absent from home at night, but absent for more than ten +hours. + +Visitors might be searched on arrival and departure by real Custom +House Officers. This would be sure to make it popular. Please, dear +_Mr. Punch_, do help us. Yours, &c., + +A GOVERNMENT CLERK. + + * * * * * + +ENGLISH OPERA AS SHE ISN'T SUNG. + +[Illustration: "Very sorry, my dear Sir Ivanhoe, but you're rather +too heavy for this Carte. We shall get along better with a lighter +weight."] + +It seems impossible to support a Royal English Opera House with its +special commodity of English Opera, that is, Opera composed by an +Englishman to an Englishman's _libretto_, and played by English +operatic singers. _Ivanhoe_, a genuine English Opera, by a genuine +English Composer (with an Irish name), produced with great _éclat_, +has, after a fair run and lots of favour, been _Doyl-écarté_, in +order to make room for the _Basoche_, an essentially French Opera, +by French Composer and Librettists, done, of course, into English, +so as to be "understanded of the people." The _Basoche_ has "caught +on," and our friends in front, including Composer, Librettist, and +Middlemen--DRURIOLANUS, who bought it, and DOYLY CARTY, who bought it +of Sir DRURI--are all equally pleased and satisfied. Considered as +a matter of business, what signifies the nationality as long as the +spec pays?--_tout est là._ Only why retain the differentiating title +of "English" for the establishment? Why not call it "The Cosmopolitan +Opera House"? Of course this applies, nowadays, to Covent Garden +Theatre, which is no longer the Italian Opera House, but simply the +Covent Garden Opera during the Operatic Season, when French, English, +Italian, and German Operas are played by a Babel of singers. By the +way, while on the subject of nomenclature, why not "The Royal Babel +Opera House"? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A LUCID INTERVAL. + +(_THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE EXPRESSED DIFFERENTLY._) + +_Doctor._ "HOW IS THE PATIENT THIS MORNING?" + +_Nurse._ "WELL--HE HAS BEEN WANDERING A GOOD DEAL IN HIS MIND. EARLY +THIS MORNING I HEARD HIM SAY, 'WHAT AN OLD WOMAN THAT DOCTOR IS!'--AND +I THINK THAT WAS ABOUT THE LAST REALLY _RATIONAL_ REMARK HE MADE."] + + * * * * * + +THE LITTLE GERMANIA MAGNATE; + +OR, TRYING TO SWAY THE SCEPTRE. + + ["_Suprema lex regis voluntas._" Words reported to have been + written by the German Emperor in the Visitors' Book of the + City Council at Munich.] + + No more let men chatter of such a small matter + As Ladies Magnetic, with mystical forces, + Whose billiard-cue business strikes with sheer dizziness + Muscular Miloes who're game to lift horses. + As MITCHELL the bulky was made to look sulky + By slight Mrs. ABBOTT, the Georgian Mystery, + She is struck silly by Behemoth BILLY, + That young Teuton Titan, the toughest in history. + + O Oracle Mighty (though vocally flighty), + Great Creature, omniscient (if a bit youthful), + Panjandrum-plus-CÆSAR, Herculean Teaser + Of tendencies vicious, or tame, or untruthful! + You mastered the Moral while sucking your coral-- + You set the world right--in idea--in your cradle. + Omnipotent Bumble, our pride let us humble, + And take our opinions--like soup--from _your_ ladle! + + You _are_ such a fellow! The sages turn yellow, + The wits all go pallid, and so do the heroes; + Big Brontes grow jealous when _you_ blow the bellows, + A fig for your CÆSARS, ISKANDERS, and NEROS! + You lick them all hollow, great Vulcan-Apollo, + Sole lord of our consciences, lives, arts, and armies! + But (like Mrs. A., Sir) 'twould floor you to say, Sir, + Where, what, in the mischief the source of your charm is! + + Say, how _do_ you do it? That Georgian's cue, it, + Compared with your sceptre, is just a mere withy. + You quietly front in with that calm "_Voluntas_," + (Expressed for our guidance in epigrams pithy) + You hint you can rule us, and guide us, and school us, + "All off your own bat," without Clergy or Minister, + Giving swift gruel to stage-prank, or duel, + Or any thing else _you_ think stupid or sinister. + + O Autocrat fateful, we ought to be grateful + For such an infallible, all-potent party, + At _this_ time of day too, to show us the way to-- + Wherever you'd lead us, with confidence hearty. + And as for those duffers, your confidence suffers + To tug at the sceptre, with vain thoughts of swaying it, + What can it matter? "The Magnet" can shatter + Their strength; at its pleasure controlling or staying it. + + In vain "Blood and Iron," with foes that environ + Your sceptre, smart Press-man, or Socialist spouter, + May struggle together; you hold them in tether, + Or so you proclaim, you, whom foes call "the Shouter." + The pose is imposing, if ere the scene's closing, + The "Little Germania Magnate" gets beaten; + Well, put at the worst, Sir, you are not the first, Sir, + Who playing the Thraso has humble-pie eaten! + + * * * * * + +"DINNER FORGET."--Lord RANDOLPH is coming home by a Union Company's +Steamer. The distinguished Unionist is to have a special cook to +attend to him. Does this mean that he returns as a Special COOK's +Tourist? + + * * * * * + +AN ELECTION ECHO. + + GLADSTONIAN LAMBERT, + Of course, as he should, + This last bye-election + Considered was good. + But Unionist BULLER + Has said, on reflection, + That to him it seemed rather + A Good-Bye election! + + * * * * * + +NEW WORK.--_A Merry England in a Cat's Cradle_, by the Author of +_Across England in a Dog-Cart_. + + * * * * * + +A VERY REVOLTING PLACE.--Brazil. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE LITTLE GERMANIA MAGNATE; + +OR, TRYING TO SWAY THE SCEPTRE.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: JONES, SHOOTING IN NEW BOOTS, IS KNOCKED OUT SIX MILES +FROM HOME, AND ACCORDINGLY IS TOLD OFF TO "MARK" FOR THE PARTY. WIND +N.N.E., VERY FRESH. THERMOMETER 28°.] + + * * * * * + +OUR FINANCIAL COLUMN. + +I have been forced by the enormous increase of my business to take +larger offices, and to engage two hundred additional clerks to carry +on my immense correspondence. I merely mention this as it may be +satisfactory to my countless well-wishers. But of course the old +address--"CROESUS: London" will still find me. I publish below a +selection from the letters received during the week. + +(1.) SIR,--You informed me in a private communication, that the Patent +Spills Manufacturing Co. stock was a splendid investment. Acting on +this, I bought. From that moment, Spills have fallen steadily. Kindly +explain. + +Yours, + +INDIGNANT. + +[To this I can only answer, that the complaint is ludicrous, and +preposterous. If you had bought on the day I advised, and sold out ten +minutes afterwards, you would have realised a handsome profit of one +farthing a share. Moreover, how can anything fall steadily? I never +did, which shows what a fool "INDIGNANT" must be. + +CROESUS.] + +(2.) SIR,--I send £22,000 19s. 8¾d., which I wish tied up as tightly +as possible in the Unlimited Packthread Stock Company, which you say +is as safe as a house. Let me know which particular house you mean. +The money belongs (or belonged) to my Maiden Aunt. + +Yours sincerely, + +BALIK RASH. + +[Consider it done, my dear Sir; consider it done. I return the three +farthings, for which I have no possible use. The rest is invested. +Transfers await your signature at my new office. + +CROESUS.] + +(3.) SIR,--I have saved £4 5s. 2d. during the last twenty years, and +now send it to you in the Automatic Toast and Muffin Distributor Co., +which I see guarantees a return of 500 per cent., with an anticipated +increase of 200 per cent. from the sale of concessions in suburban +districts. "The Muffins," you say, "will always be kept at toasting +point, and, by a novel and ingenious arrangement, a perpetual supply +of the best butter will spread itself over every Muffin as it is +distributed to the Public." I like this very much. Pray, therefore, +place me on toast to the enclosed amount. + +Yours, + +ONE IN THE SLOT. + +[Have done what you wish. You have already cleared profit of over +£500. We shall add buns and crumpets to our business to-morrow, and +tea-cakes on the following day, so as to place it in everybody's power +to take the cake, if he wants to. + +CROESUS.] + +I have little more to add this week, but I think it only right to hint +that I am engaged in perfecting the details of a scheme which will +revolutionise finance. I am not allowed, _at present_, to enter into +full particulars, but I may say that I have been in close conference +with the very highest person in the world of finance, and that he is +to submit my plan to the next Cabinet Council. Briefly, when my scheme +is floated, Consols will immediately go to par, and will be converted +into a security bearing ten per cent. interest--and this without +a single penny being added to the tax-payers' burdens. I have been +authorised by the officials of the Treasury to receive any investments +that my readers may offer. Now, therefore, is your time. Next week I +may have to take a short holiday, owing to the strain on my nerves, +caused by my numerous anxieties. But the good work will go on as +before. + +"CROESUS LONDON." + + * * * * * + +GLORY AT THE LOWEST PRICE. + + [There is nothing whatever to hinder a civilian from + organising and managing an efficient army, and there are at + any given moment a score of men in the City of London, who + could carry out the work with perfect ease.--_Daily Paper, + November 19, 1891_.] + + SCENE--_The Army Universal Provision Company Limited (Managing + Director, Mr. BLACKLEY). Enter Recruit in Department No. + 1. He looks round him surprised at the business-like activity + that greets him on every side._ + +_Foreman_ (_politely_). Anything I can do for you, Sir, to-day? +We have an assortment of Queen's Shillings fresh from the Mint. +Curiosities, Sir, quite out of date, but interesting. Can I tempt you? + +_Recruit_ (_with some hesitation_). Well, I thought of joining the +Army, and-- + +_Foreman_ (_interrupting_). Certainly, Sir. Doctor in that room. +Magistrate in that. Be medically passed and sworn to allegiance while +you wait. (_Ushers Recruit into various Departments--whence he emerges +duly enrolled_.) And now, Sir, which branch of the Service would you +like to see? + +_Recruit_. Well, I did think of the Tenth Hussars. + +_Foreman_ (_promptly_). Quite right, Sir. First-class Regiment, +commanded by His Royal Highness Field Marshal the Prince of +WALES. (_To Assistant._) Show this gentleman the way to the +outfitting-room--Tenth Hussars. + + [_Recruit in less than no time is fitted out. On his return + to the Central Hall he is once more greeted by a principal + official._ + +_Foreman_. Now, Sir, you would like to learn your drill? + +_Recruit_. Well, yes-- + +_Foreman_. Quite so. We teach it in six easy lessons, at twelve +shillings a lesson. You can pay for it either out of your reserved +pay, or now. If the latter, we allow five per cent. discount. + +_Recruit_ (_without hesitation_). I think I will pay it later. + +_Foreman_ (_putting up his receipt-book_). Certainly, Sir, No +difference to us. And now, Sir, perhaps you will take your lessons. + + [_Recruit goes through a course which soon puts him to-rights. + At the end he shakes Foreman warmly by the hand._ + +_Recruit_. You are sure that I really know my drill? + +_Foreman_. Quite. Why, Sir, you are letter perfect. And now, is there +anything more we can do for you? + +_Recruit_. Well, I did join the Army with the intention of going to +the wars. + +_Foreman_ (_apologetically_). Very sorry, Sir, but we haven't the +article on hand just at present. Sure to have some by-and-by. Is there +anything else we can do for you, Sir? + +_Recruit_. Well, failing a war, I should like a passage to India. + +_Foreman_ (_in a deprecatory tone_). Well, Sir, frankly, we cannot +recommend it. But if you have made up your mind, we must ask you +to step over to the Waste Department. They settle such-like matters +there. See over yonder, Sir, where that venerable General on crutches +is. He has just got a Colonelcy, but he can't hold it very long, as +he is over eighty! And now I must say adieu, as I have other pupils +claiming my assistance. Good day! + + [_Starts off, and prepares food for powder in other quarters. + Curtain._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "BREEZY BRIGHTON."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE REVOLT OF THE RATEPAYERS AGAINST KING KOUNTY +KOUNCIL THE FIRST. + +(TEMPLE, WEMYSS, AND SAVORY LEAD THE ATTACK.)] + + * * * * * + +THE BOARD ON BOTH SIDES. + + SCENE--_A Railway Carriage. Present two Passengers + discussing the Topics of the Day._ + +_First Passenger_. And then there's the School Board! I am on my way +to record my vote. + +_Second Pass._ And so am I. I hope, Sir, we are of both of the way of +thinking? + +_First Pass._ I hope so, too. My idea is to give the children of the +poor every possible advantage. Let them learn all they can. Yes, Sir, +let them learn all they can. + +[Illustration: "Why, it's as plain as the Nose on your face!"] + +_Second Pass._ (_excitedly_). But, my dear Sir, what can be the good +of that? It will be of no use to them in their future, and will only +make them dissatisfied with their position. + +_First Pass._ (_calmly_). Ah, my dear Sir, you evidently take a narrow +view of the subject. Why should not the poor enjoy equality with the +rich? It is only the accident of birth that divides the peasant from +the Peer. + +_Second Pass._ (_obstinately_). I do not care about the cause, I +only look to the result--the rich _are_ divided from the poor. It is +ridiculous that an orange-girl should play the piano, and a ploughman +paint a picture. + +_First Pass._ (_smiling_). I do not see why. Surely the poor should +have their little amusements? And do we not have it on decent +classical authority, "that Art polishes the manners, and renders them +less ferocious!" + +_Second Pass._ (_contemptuously_). Ah! You take a sentimental view +of it! Believe me, the people would be all the better were they to +receive a practical--a technical education--say were they to be taught +how to sweep chimneys, or to blacken boots! + +_First Pass._ (_complacently_). They will engage in both those useful +industries with the greater _gusto_ if they know that when they are at +leisure they can understand MACAULAY or enjoy BEETHOVEN. + +_Second Pass._ (_with conviction_). But you must admit that there is +a good deal of waste. Consider Mr. FORSTER calculated that the rate +would be threepence in the pound, and now it's a shilling, and will +go higher still! Remember that Londoners pay far more dearly than +citizens of many provincial towns, for an article not one whit better. + +_First Pass._ (_with, a genial smile_). Ah, I see you are quoting from +the Press. + +_Second Pass._ (_earnestly_). And why not? Is it true, or is it +not, that money is squandered upon rotten buildings, upon excessive +salaries to teachers, and upon the provision of refinements in +education? + +_First Pass._ (_smiling_). Still quoting! But if I admit that there +is something in what you say, is it not always the case? Have we ever +unmixed good, or unmixed evil? And I contend that the same advantages +derivable from a School-Board education entirely compensate for a +little loss. + +_Second Pass._ (_rather out of temper_). Well, you take it calmly +enough. + +_First Pass._ (_amiably_). Why not? It is my theory that every child +should have the best possible education. The infant should have enough +mental food to last him for life. It is our duty that he should got +it. + +_Second Pass._ (_with irritation_). Well, at least you take an +unselfish view of the case. + +_First Pass._ (_smiling sweetly_). I don't see that! As a matter of +fact, I am sufficiently successful not to care for competition. I +believe that I am first-rate in my own walk; and, however the School +Board may educate, they will not reach my standard. + +_Second Pass._ (_drily_). I was not thinking of that, although it is a +consideration. But how about the rates, my dear Sir--the rates? + +_First Pass._ (_with a good-humoured laugh_). Oh, bother the rates! I +don't see where they come in. + +_Second Pass._ (_with ghastly jocularity_). But I do--by the front +door. + +_First Pass._ (_condescendingly_). Tut, tut! But what have the rates +to do with the matter? + +_Second Pass._ (_astonished_). Why, at a shilling in the pound and +more to follow, you must admit they make a hole in a modest income? + +_First Pass._ (_enthusiastically_). And what if they do, Sir--what if +they do? Have we no duty to our fellow man? Ought we not to sacrifice +something on his behalf--for his sake? And, my dear Sir, I speak all +the more dispassionately, because my rates are paid--_by my Landlord!_ +[_Curtain._ + + * * * * * + +ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.--"HISTORICAL GARDENER."--Yes, certainly--it +was "The Gallows-tree," from which "The Hanging Gardens of Babylon" +took their name. Any school-boy knows this.--"INQUIRING BUOY."--No; +the Nore Light is not a candelabraham. + + * * * * * + +HOW IT'S DONE! + +[Illustration] + +DEAREST MADGE, + + You have asked me to tell you some scandal! + You seem to forget how I hate such a theme-- + How I loathe and detest every girl who's a Vandal, + Destroying that fine work of Art, Nature's Scheme. + Why, I _never_ talk scandal, you goose, and you know it; + It's no fascination whatever to _me_. + I _could_ tell some, of course, for we county folk grow it + Like so many apples and pears on a tree. + + I repeat, I detest such a thing beyond measure. + I'm not like dear MAUD, who my husband declares + Was invented and made to exist on the pleasure + Of dragging to light other people's affairs. + _She_ would forward you scandalous tales by the dozen-- + There's no one like _her_ if you want any news. + I declare she's as bad as her wretch of a cousin, + Who's bolted with Major FITZ-DASH, of the Blues. + + Now, for instance, she told me (in confidence, mind you) + That Captain BLANK CARTRIDGE, when playing at Nap, + Has an odious habit of getting behind you, + And calling according to what's on your lap. + (By the way, we have only just heard that the Major, + Who gave Lady B. such a beautiful horse, + Is a perfect _Don Juan_, and quite an old stager + At playing a prominent part in divorce.) + + More than that, she assures me (although I don't doubt it) + That D., though apparently sober and staid, + Is a flirt, and that people are talking about it + Indignantly here. And it's true, I'm afraid; + For I heard Mrs. PARSONS, the wife of the Vicar, + Inform Countess C. (who's forgiven, you know) + That each day she appears to get thicker and thicker + With N., though engaged to be married to O. + + MAUD has written to mother, and said in her letter + (Marked "private ") that T., who has taken to drink, + And been sent to a sort of a home, is no better, + And quenches his thirst, when he can, with the ink. + And the Dowager Duchess of M. (the old sinner!) + Has dropped all the money she had backing gees; + While the Colonel, who's said to have spotted the winner, + Owns most of the horses that _lost_, if you please! + + But dear MAUD is the one for the news that's exciting. + You've wasted your paper in sending to _me_. + I would just as soon think, love, of flying as writing + _One word_ of the scandal of afternoon tea. + Give my love to your mother, and kisses to DORA-- + (She's doing the season with you, I presume?) + And believe me your ever affectionate, FLORA. + + P.S. Mrs. K. has eloped with her groom! + +_Scandal Hall, Torking_. + + * * * * * + +ONLY FANCY! + +We find the following paragraph in a contemporary:-- + + A meeting on the Somersetshire floods has been summoned by the + Earl of CORK, Lord-Lieutenant of the County, for to-morrow, at + Bridgewater. + +We are bound to observe that this arrangement displays a lamentable +lack of consideration for others on the part of the noble convener. +It is all very well for the Earl of CORK to select the Somersetshire +floods for a place of meeting. But whilst CORK is bobbing up and down, +buoyantly enjoying himself, what is to become of ordinary persons +foregathered in such circumstances? We presume that boats, or at +least life-belts, will be provided for the movers and seconders of the +various resolutions. Or does Bridgewater cover everything? + + * * * * * + +Walking down St. James' Street the other day, whom should we meet but +the Earl of PORTSMOUTH, long known in the House of Commons as Lord +LYMINGTON. Opportunity was taken to inquire whether a recent event in +South Molton had led to any estrangement between his Lordship and his +former constituents. + +"No, TOBY," said the belted Earl; "I think I may say, that, between +me and my old constituents, the wing of friendship has not Molton a +feather." + + * * * * * + +In the foregoing paragraph, the phrase "belted Earl," is used +advisedly. At the period of which Sir WALTER SCOTT wrote (_vide_ +any of his novels) it will be found that members of this rank of the +Peerage are all spoken of as belted. For some time the fashion fell +out of use. The belt was appropriately revived by the late Earl of +BEACONSFIELD, and is now quite a common thing with the aristocracy. +The Earl of SELBORNE is very particular about the fit and cut of his. + + * * * * * + +Mr. BOYCE, in his interesting and picturesque work, _Snowdon and +Rained Upon_, insists on the desirability of taking only a light +luncheon when engaged upon a pedestrian tour. He adds, "I walked up +Snowdon on two hard-boiled eggs." The remark seems scarcely relevant, +but it records a notable achievement. Considering the height of +Snowdon, and the occasional stoniness of the path, to walk up it on +two eggs, howsoever hard-boiled, is a feat that puts in the shade the +Music-hall trick of riding up an inclined plane of rope on a bicycle. +Mr. BOYCE does not say what he came down upon. Probably his back. + + * * * * * + +We hear from Munich that underneath the motto, _Suprema lex regis +voluntas_, written in the Visitors' Book by the Emperor of GERMANY, +there now appears the following line--_Rex est major singulis, minor +universis_. Herr HITHERCLIFT, the well-known German authority, having +made a careful examination of the page, states his opinion that the +handwriting is that of Prince BISMARCK, or is an excellent imitation. + + * * * * * + +A WARLIKE TALE FROM THE PACIFIC. + +(_FRAGMENT FROM THE POSSIBLE DIARY OF A REALISTIC NOVELIST._) + +Well, now I think I have got matters pretty straight. The question is, +whether the Baron will accept my last message as chaff, or resent it. +Let me see, how does it read--"It is suggested, for the President's +consideration, that rumours uncorrected or unexplained acquire almost +the force of admitted truth." Quite so--so they do. Let me see--"That +any want of confidence between the governed and the Government must be +hurtful"--well, to us both. Yes! That's all right. So it will! Lastly, +"That the rumours, in their present form, tend to damage the white +races in the native mind, and to influence for the worse the manners +of the Samoans." Now, that _ought_ to fetch him! A wink is as good as +a nod to a blind pig! However, he is quite ass enough to do nothing! +Everybody saying that he is going to blow us all up, himself included! +Why it's enough to make the natives rise and kill every white man in +the place. Still, good idea for a story. + +_Later_. The idiot! Instead of promptly denying the facts, he says he +won't have anything to do with us, because "we care so little for the +correctness of the facts we deal with." We only asked for information. +Are we going to be blown into smithereens, or are we not? That's the +point, and he won't tell us! Wants to know what business it is of +ours? The situation is decidedly dramatic--but unpleasant! + +_Later Still_.--Have replied that "the matter very much concerns us." +Tell him, we wrote, not for protection, but for information. "Are we +going to be blown up, or are we not?" An answer will oblige. + +_A Little Later_.--No, he is not to be drawn. Won't swerve an inch. +So now we are trying another dodge. Will he resign his dual office? +He says he will resign one. But he knows that won't do. If he remains +chief adviser to the King, we shall be nowhere. His last idea is to +resign the Presidentship of the Municipal Council. Why, we are the +Council, and we should have kicked him out if he hadn't! Very funny, +but it's hard to laugh when one's within an ace of a massacre or an +explosion. + +_Latest_.--Still in doubt. However, have a subject for something +in the dramatic line. What the entertainment will be, depends upon +the future development of the plot. At present it may turn out a +Tragedy--or an _Opéra-bouffe_. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101, November 28, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 22, 2004 [EBook #14123] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 101.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>November 28, 1891.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page253" + id="page253"></a>[pg 253]</span> + + <h2>LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS.</h2> + + <h4>No. VII.—TO VANITY.</h4> + + <p>DEAR VANITY,</p> + + <p>Imagine my feelings when I read the following letter. It lay + quite innocently on my breakfast-table in a heap of others. It + was stamped in the ordinary way, post-marked in the ordinary + way, and addressed correctly, though how the charming writer + discovered my address I cannot undertake to say; in fact, there + was nothing in its outward appearance to distinguish it from + the rest of my everyday correspondence. I opened it carelessly, + and this is what I read:—</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/253.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/253.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>RIDICULOUS BEING,—In the course of a fairly short life + I have read many absurd things, but never in all my existence + have I read anything so absurd as your last letter. I don't say + that your amiable story about HERMIONE MAYBLOOM is not + absolutely true; in fact, I knew HERMIONE <i>very slightly</i> + myself when everybody was raving about her, and I never + <i>could</i> understand what all you men (for, of course, you + are a man; no woman could be so foolish) saw in her to make you + lose your preposterous heads. To me she always seemed + <i>silly</i> and <i>affected</i>, and <i>not in the least</i> + pretty, with her snub nose, and her fuzzy hair. So I am rather + glad, not from any personal motive, but for the sake of + <i>truth</i> and <i>justice</i>, that you have shown her up. + No; what I do complain of is, your evident intention to make + the world believe that only women are vain. You pretend to + lecture us about our shortcomings, and you don't seem to know + that there is no vainer creature in existence than a man. No + peacock that ever strutted with an expanded tail is one-half so + ridiculous or silly as a man. I make no + distinctions—<i>all men are the same</i>; at least, + that's my experience, and that of every woman I ever met.</p> + + <p>How do you suppose a woman like HERMIONE succeeds as she + does? Why she finds out (it doesn't take long, I assure you) + the weak points of the men she meets; their wretched + jealousies, affectations and conceits, and then artfully + proceeds to flatter them and make each of them think his + particular self the lord of creation, until she has all the + weak and foolish creatures wound round her little finger, and + slavishly ready to fetch and carry for her. And all the time + you go about and boast of your conquest to one another, and + imagine that <i>you</i> have subjugated her. But she sits at + home and laughs at you, and <i>despises</i> you all from the + flinty bottom of her heart. Bah! you're a pack of fools, and + I've no patience with you. As for you personally, if you + <i>must</i> write any more, tell your fellow men something + about their own follies. It won't be news to <i>us</i>, but it + may open <i>their</i> eyes. If you can't do that, you had + better retire into your tub, and cease your painful barking + altogether. I've got my eye on you, so be careful. I remain + (thank goodness)</p> + + <p class="author">A WOMAN.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Now that was not altogether an agreeable breakfast dish. And + the worst of it was that it was so supremely unjustifiable. Had + my indignant correspondent honoured me with her address, I + should have answered her at once. "Madam," I should have said, + "your anger outstrips your reason. I always intended to say + something about men. I had already begun a second letter to my + friend VANITY on the subject. I can therefore afford to forgive + your hard words, and to admit that there is a certain amount of + truth in your strictures on us. But please don't write to me + again so furiously. Such excessive annoyance is quite out of + keeping with your pretty handwriting, and besides, it takes + away my appetite to think I have even involuntarily given you + pain. Be kind enough to look out for my next letter, but don't, + for goodness' sake, tell me what you think about it, unless it + should happen to please you. In that case I shall, of course, + be proud and glad to hear from you again."</p> + + <p>I now proceed, therefore, to carry out my intention, and, as + usual, I address myself to the fountain head. My dear VANITY, I + never shall understand why you take so much trouble to get hold + of men. They are not a pleasing sight when you have got them, + and after a time it must cease to amuse even you to see + yourself reproduced over and over again, and in innumerable + ridiculous ways. For instance, there is Dr. PEAGAM, the + celebrated author of <i>Indo-Hebraic Fairy Tales: a new Theory + of their Rise and Development, with an Excursus on an Early + Aryan Version of</i> "<i>Three Blind Mice</i>." Dr. PEAGAM is + learned; he has the industry of a beaver; he is a correspondent + of goodness knows how many foreign philosophical, philological, + and mythological societies; his record of University + distinctions has never been equalled; his advice has been + sought by German Professors. Yet he carries all this weight of + celebrity and learning as lightly as if it were a wideawake, + and seems to think nothing of it. But he has his weak point, + and, like Achilles, he has it in his feet.</p> + + <p>This veteran investigator, this hoary and venerable Doctor, + would cheerfully give years off his life if only the various + philosophers who from time to time sit at his feet would + recognise that those feet are small, and compliment him on the + fact. They <i>are</i> small, there is no doubt of it, but not + small enough to be encased without agony in the tiny, natty, + pointed boots that he habitually wears. Let anybody who wants + to get anything out of Dr. PEAGAM lead the conversation + craftily on to the subject of feet and their proper size. Let + him then make the discovery (aloud) that the Doctor's feet are + extraordinarily small and beautiful, and I warrant that there + is nothing the Doctor can bestow which shall not be freely + offered to this cunning flatterer. That is why Dr. PEAGAM, a + modest man in most respects, always insists on sitting in the + front row on any platform, and ostentatiously dusts his boots + with a red silk pocket-handkerchief.</p> + + <p>Then, again, who is there that has not heard of + Major-General WHACKLEY, V.C., the hero who captured the + ferocious Ameer of Mudwallah single-handed, and carried him on + his back to the English camp—the man to whose dauntless + courage, above all others, the marvellous victory of Pilferabad + was due? Speak to him on military matters, and you will find + the old warrior as shy as a school-girl; but only mention the + word poetry, and you'll have him reciting his ballads and odes + to you by the dozen, and declaiming for hours together about + the obtuseness of the publishing fraternity.</p> + + <p>I don't speak now of literary men who value themselves above + LAMB, DICKENS, and THACKERAY, rolled into one; nor of artists + who sneer at TITIAN; nor of actors who hold GARRICK to be + absurdly overrated. Space would fail me, and patience you. But + let me just for a brief moment call to your mind ROLAND + PRETTYMAN. Upon my soul, I think ROLAND the most empty-headed + fribble, the most affected coxcomb, and the most conceited + noodle in the whole world. He was decently good-looking once, + and he had a pretty knack of sketching in water-colours.</p> + + <p>But oh, the huge, distorted, overweening conceit of the man! + I have seen him lying full length on a couch, waving a scented + handkerchief amongst a crowd of submissive women, who were + grovelling round him, while he enlarged in his own pet jargon + on the surpassing merits of his latest unpublished essay, or + pointed out the beauties of the trifling pictures which were + the products of his ineffective brush. He will never accomplish + anything, and yet to the end of his life, I fancy, he will have + his circle of toadies and flatterers who will pretend to accept + him as the evangelist of a glorious literary and artistic + gospel. For unfortunately he is as rich as he is impudent and + incompetent. And when he drives out in a Hansom he never ceases + to simper at his reflected image in the little corner + looking-glasses, by means of which modern cab-proprietors + pander to the weakness of men. Such is your handiwork, my + excellent VANITY. Are you proud of it?</p> + + <p class="author">Yours, &c.,<br /> + DIOGENES ROBINSON.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.</h2> + + <p>"ONE WHO DOESN'T KNOW EVERYTHING."—You ask, What are + the duties of "the Ranger"? Household duties only. He has to + inspect the kitchen-ranges in the kitchens of Buckingham + Palace, Windsor Castle, Balmoral, and Osborne. Hence the style + and title. He also edits Cook's Guides.</p> + + <p>"ANOTHER IDIOT" wishes to know if there is such an + appointment in the gift of the Crown as the office of "Court + Sweep." Why, certainly; and, on State occasions, he wears the + Court Soot, and his broom is always waiting for him at the + entrance! At Balmoral and Osborne there is a beautiful sweep + leading the visitor right up to the front door.</p> + + <p>"ONE MORE UNFORTUNATE" writes us,—"Sir, in what poem + of MILTON's does the following couplet occur?—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I'll light the <i>gas</i> soon,</p> + + <p>To play the <i>bas</i>-soon.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>How are the lines to be scanned?" <i>Ans.</i>—On + internal evidence, we question whether the lines are MILTON's. + In the absence of our Poet, who is out for a holiday, we can + only reply, that if shortsighted, you can scan them by the aid + of a powerful glass—of your favourite compound.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page254" + id="page254"></a>[pg 254]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/254.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/254.png" + alt="'THE SWEET LITTLE CHERUB THAT SITS UP ALOFT.'" /> + </a> + + <h3>"THE SWEET LITTLE CHERUB THAT SITS UP + ALOFT."</h3>(<i>Modern Version, as it must be</i>.) + </div> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["The Associated Chamber of Commerce ask that the + Coastguard stations, shore-lighthouses, rock lighthouses, + and light-ships of the United Kingdom, should, as far as + possible, be connected by telegraph or telephone with the + general telegraph system of the country, 'as a means for + the protection of life and property, as well as for + national defence.'... France and America, Holland and + Denmark, provide their seamen with this great safeguard in + the hour of their utmost need. IS England content to let + her sailors die by hundreds for want of a little money, or + for want of a little care?"—<i>Times</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Prospero</i>. Why, that's my spirit!</p> + + <p class="i6">But was not this nigh shore?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Ariel</i>. Close by, my master.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Prospero</i>. But are they, Ariel, safe?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Ariel</i>. Not a hair perish'd.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p class="author"><i>Tempest</i>, Act I., Scene 2.</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>CONTENT</i>? There's many an English heart will + hear with fierce amaze</p> + + <p>That England lags so far behind in these electric + days—</p> + + <p>England, whose seamen are her shield, who vaunts in + speech and song,</p> + + <p>The love she bears her mariners! Wake, CAMPBELL, + swift and strong</p> + + <p>Of swell and sweep as the salt waves you sang as + none could sing!</p> + + <p>Rouse DIBDIN, of the homelier flight, but steady + waft of wing!</p> + + <p>Poetic shades, <i>this</i> question, sure, should + pierce the ear of death,</p> + + <p>And make ye vocal once again with quick, indignant + breath.</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page255" + id="page255"></a>[pg 255]</span> + + <p><i>Content</i>? Whilst round our rocky coasts the + souls who guard them sink,</p> + + <p>Death clutching from the clamorous brine, hope + beaconing from the brink,</p> + + <p>With lifted hands toward the lights that beam but to + betray,</p> + + <p>Because dull Britons fail to think, or hesitate to + pay?</p> + + <p>No! With that question a fierce thrill through + countless listeners went,</p> + + <p>And, hoarse with indignation, rings the answer, + "<i>Not</i> Content!"</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When the Armada neared our coast in days now dubbed + as "dark,"</p> + + <p>Pre-scientific Englishmen, whom no Electric + Spark</p> + + <p>Had witched with its white radiance, yet sped from + height to height</p> + + <p>Of Albion's long wild sea-coast line the ruddy + warning Light.</p> + + <p>"Cape beyond Cape, in endless range, those twinkling + points of fire"<a id="footnotetag1" + name="footnotetag1"></a><a href="#footnote1"><sup>1</sup></a></p> + + <p><i>Reveillé</i> shot from sea to sea, from + wave-washed shire to shire,</p> + + <p>Inland, from hill to hill, it flashed wherever + English hand</p> + + <p>Helpful at need in English cause could grip an + English brand.</p> + + <p>To-day? Well, round our jutting cliffs, across our + hollowing bays</p> + + <p>Thicker the light-ship beacons flash, the lighthouse + lanterns blaze.</p> + + <p>From sweep to sweep, from steep to steep, our shores + are starred with light,</p> + + <p>Burning across the briny floods through the black + mirk of night,</p> + + <p>Forth-gleaming like the eyes of Hope, or like the + fires of Home,</p> + + <p>Upon the eager eyes of men far-straining o'er the + foam.</p> + + <p>Good! But how greatly less than good to fear, to + think, to know</p> + + <p>That inland England's less alert against a whelming + foe</p> + + <p>Than when bonfire and beacon flared mere flame of + wood and pitch,</p> + + <p>From Surrey hills to Skiddaw!</p> + + <p class="i10">Science-dowered, serenely rich,</p> + + <p>Safe in its snugly sheltered homes, our England lies + at ease,</p> + + <p>Whilst round her cliffs gale-scourged to wrath the + tiger-throated seas</p> + + <p>Thunder in ruthless ravening rage, with rending + crash and shock,</p> + + <p>Through the dull night and blinding drift on leagues + of reef and rock.</p> + + <p>More furious than the Spaniards they, more fierce, + persistent foes,</p> + + <p>These deep-gorged, pallid, foaming waves. Yes, + bright the beacon glows,</p> + + <p>Warmly the lighthouse wafts its blaze of welcome + o'er the brine;</p> + + <p>The shore's hard by, but where the hands to whirl + the rescuing line?</p> + + <p>To launch the boat?—to hurl the buoy? The + lighthouse men look out</p> + + <p>Upon their wreck-borne brethren there, their hearts + are soft as stout,</p> + + <p>But signals will not pierce this dark, shouts rise + o'er this fierce roar,</p> + + <p>Rescue may wait at hand, but—<i>there's no + cable to the shore!</i></p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Content with <i>this</i>? Nay, callous he whom this + stirs not to rage,</p> + + <p><i>Punch</i> pictures, with prophetic pen, a + brighter cheerier page,</p> + + <p>Which <i>must be turned</i>, and speedily:</p> + + <p class="i10">Good Mr. PROSPERO BULL,</p> + + <p>Your <i>Ariel</i> is the Electric Sprite, DIBDIN, of + pity full</p> + + <p>For tempest-tost Poor JACK, descried a Cherub up + aloft</p> + + <p>Watch-keeping o'er his venturous life. That symbol, + quoted oft,</p> + + <p>Must find new form to fit the time. The <i>Ariel</i> + of the Spark</p> + + <p>Must watch around our storm-lashed coast in tempest + and in dark,</p> + + <p>Guardian of homeward-bound Poor JACK, to spread the + news of fear,</p> + + <p>And tell him, battling with the storm, that rescuing + hands, though near,</p> + + <p>Are not made helpless in his hour of agonising + need,</p> + + <p>By ignorance that heeds not, and neglect that fails + to heed.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <blockquote class="footnote"> + <a id="footnote1" + name="footnote1"></a><b>Footnote 1:</b> + <a href="#footnotetag1">(return)</a> + + <p>MACAULAY's <i>Armada.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/255.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/255.png" + alt="NATURAL HISTORY." /></a> + + <h3>NATURAL HISTORY.</h3>"OH, <i>LOOK</i>, MUMMIE! NOW IT'S + LEFT OFF RAINING, HE'S COME OUT OF HIS KENNEL!" + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ALL BERRY WELL.</h2> + + <p>SIR,—As there is so much talk just now about the best + way in which to make Coffee, I will mention the plan I adopt, + in the hope that some of your readers may imitate it in their + own homes. It is very simple. You take some of the excellent + "Coffee Mixture," sold by the "Arabo-Egyptian Pure Parisian + Berry Company, Limited," at sixpence the pound. You need not + give more than one tea-spoon to every four persons, as the + coffee is very good and thick. Add condensed milk, and fill + with water, after which, let the pot stand on the hob an hour + before use. You would be surprised at the quality of the fluid + which results. It gives general satisfaction in my own circle. + My nephew, who lives with me, declares that it is the only + genuine coffee he has drunk since he returned from the East. He + usually, however, has his breakfast out. My General Servant + says that "she prefers it to beer" (though she takes both), and + has asked me for some to send to an Aunt of hers with whom she + has quarrelled. I think this very nice and forgiving of her, + and have allowed her a quarter of a pound for that purpose. My + son-in-law, who unfortunately is rather addicted to drink, says + it is "the finest tap he ever tasted," and adds that if he + could be sure of always having such Coffee, he would join the + Blue Ribbon Army at once. Hitherto he has not joined.</p> + + <p class="author">Yours humbly,<br /> + MARTHA HUSWIFE.</p> + + <p>SIR,—At my "Home for Elderly Orphans of Defective + Brain Power," I give an <i>excellent</i> Coffee, made of five + parts chicory, and one of Mocha, supplied at a cheap rate by a + House in the City, which owes me money, and is paying it off in + this way, with skim-milk added, in moderation, and no sugar. + None of the orphans has ever complained of my Coffee. I should + like to catch them doing so. It is nonsense to say the art of + coffee-making is unknown in England.</p> + + <p class="author">Yours, indignantly,<br /> + CLEOPATRA JONES.</p> + + <p>SIR,—Here is the recipe for Coffee which we use at + this Buffet:—</p> + + <p>"Place one pound of the 'Nonpareil Turkish Pasha's Special + Brand Extract of finest Mocha' in the urn in the morning. Pour + on boiling water to half-way up. Let it stew all day. Draw off + as wanted, and dilute with 'Anglo-African Condensed Cows' + Milk.'"</p> + + <p>Strange to say, we do not find great demand either for + Coffee or Tea (made on similar principles); but it is as well + that the Public should know that we have both in constant + readiness, and of first-class quality. The traveller who has + drunk a cup of this Coffee in conjunction with one of our + celebrated Home-made Pork Pies, does not require anything else + till the end of the very longest journey, and, probably, not + even then.</p> + + <p class="author">KEEPER OF THE REFRESHMENT ROOM, STARVEM + JUNCTION.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>THE GEORGIAN ERA AT THE ALHAMBRA.—Mrs. ABBOTT is an + electric wonder. Not strong muscularly, but with sufficient + electric power to support four or five of the inferior sex + heaped anyhow on a chair. Such a woman is a crown to a + husband—nay, any amount of crowns at £200 per + week—and capable of supporting a family, however large, + all by her own exertions, or indeed, with scarcely any exertion + at all. At present, though married, she is a <i>femme + seule</i>: but how long will she remain the only electric + wonder in London? Many years ago there was a one-legged dancer + named DONATO. Within sixteen weeks there were as many + one-legged dancers. We don't speak by the card, of course, but + one-legged dancers became a drug in the market. Already we hear + of "A Dynamic Phenomenon" at the Pavilion. Little Mrs. ABBOTT + is an active, spry little person, yet her "<i>vis inertiæ</i>" + is, at present, without a parallel.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page256" + id="page256"></a>[pg 256]</span> + + <h2>THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS.</h2> + + <h3>No. XVI.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>Terrace and Grounds of the Grand Hôtel + Villa d'Este, on Lake Como.</i> PODBURY <i>and</i> CULCHARD + <i>are walking up and down together.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Podbury.</i> Well, old chap, your resigning like that has + made all the difference to <i>me</i>, I can tell you!</p> + + <p><i>Culchard.</i> If I have succeeded in advancing your cause + with Miss PRENDERGAST, I am all the better pleased, of + course.</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> You have, and no mistake. She's regularly taken + me in hand, don't you know—she says I've no intelligent + appreciation of Italian Art; and gad, I believe she's right + there! But I'm pulling up—bound to teach you a lot, + seeing all the old altar-pieces I do! And she gives me the + right tips, don't you see; she's no end of a clever girl, so + well-read and all that! But I say—about Miss TROTTER? + Don't want to be inquisitive, you know, but you don't seem to + be much <i>about</i> with her.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/256.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/256.png" + alt="'Bound to teach you a lot, seeing all the old altar-pieces I do!'" /> + </a>"Bound to teach you a lot, seeing all the old + altar-pieces I do!" + </div> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> I—er—the feelings I entertain + towards Miss TROTTER have suffered no change—quite the + reverse, only—and I wish to impress this upon you, + PODBURY—it is undesirable, for—er—many + reasons, to make my attentions—er—too conspicuous. + I—I trust you have not alluded to the matter + to—well, to Miss PRENDERGAST, for example?</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> Not I, old fellow—got other things to + talk about. But I don't quite see why—</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> You are not <i>required</i> to see. I don't + <i>wish</i> it, that is all. I—er—think that should + be sufficient.</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> Oh, all right, <i>I'll</i> keep dark. But she's + bound to know sooner or later, now she and Miss TROTTER have + struck up such a friendship. And HYPATIA will be awfully + pleased about it—why <i>shouldn't</i> she, you know?... + I'm going to see if there's anyone on the tennis-court, and get + a game if I can. Ta-ta!</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>alone</i>). PODBURY knows very little + about women. If HYP—Miss PRENDERGAST—once found out + <i>why</i> I renounced my suitorship, I should have very little + peace, I know that—I've taken particular care not to + betray my attachment to MAUD. I'm afraid she's beginning to + notice it, but I must be careful. I don't like this sudden + intimacy between them—it makes things so very awkward. + They've been sitting under that tree over there for the last + half-hour, and goodness only knows what confidences they may + have exchanged! I really must go up and put a stop to it, + presently.</p> + + <h4><i>Under the Tree.</i></h4> + + <p><i>Hypatia.</i> I only tell you all this, sweetest one, + because I <i>do</i> think you have rather too low an opinion of + men as a class, and I wanted to show you that I have met at + least <i>one</i> man who was capable of a real and + disinterested devotion.</p> + + <p><i>Maud.</i> Well, I allowed that was about your idea.</p> + + <p><i>Hyp.</i> And don't you recognise that it was very fine of + him to give up everything for his friend's sake?</p> + + <p><i>Maud</i>. I guess it depends how much "everything" + amounted to.</p> + + <p><i>Hyp.</i> (<i>annoyed</i>). I thought, darling, I had made + it perfectly plain what a sacrifice it meant to him. <i>I</i> + know how much he—I needn't tell you there are certain + symptoms one can<i>not</i> be deceived in.</p> + + <p><i>Maud.</i> No, I guess you needn't tell me <i>that</i>, + love. And it was perfectly lovely of him to give you up, when + he was under vow for you and all, sooner than stand in his + friend's light—only I don't just see how that was going + to help his friend any.</p> + + <p><i>Hyp.</i> Don't you, dearest? Not when the friend was + under vow for me, too?</p> + + <p><i>Maud.</i> Well, HYPATIA PRENDERGAST! And how many + admirers do you have around under vow, as a regular thing?</p> + + <p><i>Hyp.</i> There were only those two. RUSKIN permits as + many as seven at one time.</p> + + <p><i>Maud.</i> That's a vurry liberal allowance, too. I don't + see how there'd be sufficient suitors to go round. But maybe + each gentleman can be under vow for seven distinct girls, to + make things sort of square now?</p> + + <p><i>Hyp.</i> Certainly not. The whole beauty of the idea lies + in the unselfish and exclusive devotion of every knight to the + same sovereign lady. In this case I happen to know that + the—a—individual had never met his ideal + until—</p> + + <p><i>Maud.</i> Until he met you? At Nuremberg, wasn't it? My! + And what was his name? Do tell!</p> + + <p><i>Hyp.</i> You must not press me, sweetest, for I cannot + tell that—even to you.</p> + + <p><i>Maud.</i> I don't believe but what I could guess. But + say, you didn't care any for <i>him</i>, or you'd never have + let him go like that? <i>I</i> wouldn't. I should have + suspected there was something behind!</p> + + <p><i>Hyp.</i> My feelings towards him were purely potential. I + did him the simple justice to believe that his self-abnegation + was sincere. But, with your practical, cynical little mind, + darling, you are hardly capable of—excuse me for saying + so—of appreciating the real value and meaning of such + magnanimity!</p> + + <p><i>Maud.</i> Oh, I guess I <i>am</i>, though. Why, here's + Mr. CULCHARD coming along. Well, Mr. CULCHARD?</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> I—ah—appear to have interrupted a + highly interesting conversation?</p> + + <p><i>Maud.</i> Well, we were having a little discussion, and I + guess you're in time to give the casting vote—HYPATIA, + you want to keep just where you are, do you hear? I mean you + should listen to Mr. CULCHARD's opinion.</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>flattered</i>). Which I shall be delighted + to give, if you will put me in possession of + the—er—facts.</p> + + <p><i>Maud.</i> Well, these are the—er—facts. There + were two gentlemen under vow—maybe you'll understand the + working of that arrangement better than I do?—under vow + for the same young lady. [HYPATIA PRENDERGAST, sit still, or I + declare I'll pinch you!] One of them comes up and tells her + that he's arrived at the conclusion the other admirer is the + better man, and, being a friend of his, he ought to retire in + his favour, and he does it, too, right away. Now <i>I</i> say + that isn't natural—he'd some other motive. Miss + PRENDERGAST here will have it he was one of those noble + unselfish natures that deserve they should be stuffed for a + museum. What's <i>your</i> opinion now?</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>perspiring freely</i>). + Why—er—really, on so delicate a matter, + I—I— [<i>He maunders.</i></p> + + <p><i>Hyp.</i> MAUD, why <i>will</i> you be so headstrong! + (<i>In a rapid whisper.</i>) Can't you see ... can't you + <i>guess</i>?...</p> + + <p><i>Maud.</i> I guess I want to make sure Mr. CULCHARD isn't + that kind of magnanimous man himself. I shouldn't want him to + renounce <i>me</i>!</p> + + <p><i>Hyp.</i> MAUD! You might at <i>least</i> wait until Mr. + CULCHARD has—</p> + + <p><i>Maud.</i> Oh, but he <i>did</i>—weeks ago, at + Bingen. And at Lugano, too, the other day, he spoke out + tolerable plain. I guess he didn't wish any secret made about + it—<i>did</i> you, Mr. CULCHARD?</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> I—ah—this conversation is rather + ... If you'll excuse me— [<i>Escapes with as much dignity + as he can command.</i></p> + + <p><i>Maud.</i> Well, my dear,—that's the sort of + self-denying hairpin <i>he</i> is! What do you think of him + <i>now</i>?</p> + + <p><i>Hyp.</i> I do not think so highly of him, I confess. His + renunciation was evidently less prompted by consideration for + his friend than by a recollection—tardy enough, I am + afraid—of the duty which bound him to <i>you</i>, + dearest. But if you had seen and heard him, as I did, you would + not have doubted the <i>reality</i> of the sacrifice, whatever + the true reason may have been. For myself, I am conscious of + neither anger nor sorrow—my heart, as I told you, was + never really affected. But what must it be to <i>you</i>, + darling!</p> + + <p><i>Maud.</i> Well, I believe I'm more amused than + anything.</p> + + <p><i>Hyp.</i> Amused! But surely you don't mean to have + anything more to do with him?</p> + + <p><i>Maud.</i> My dear girl, I intend to have considerable + more to do with him before I'm through. He's under vow for + <i>me</i> now, anyway, and I don't mean he should forget it, + either. He's my monkey, and he's got to jump around pretty + lively, at the end of a tolerable short chain, too. And I + guess, if it comes to renouncing, all the magnanimity's going + to be on <i>my</i> side this + time!</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page257" + id="page257"></a>[pg 257]</span> + + <h4><i>In an Avenue.</i></h4> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>to himself, as he walks hurriedly on</i>). + I only saved myself in time. I don't <i>think</i> MAUD noticed + anything—she couldn't nave been so innocent and + indifferent if she had.... And HYPATIA won't enlighten her any + further now—after what she knows. It's rather a relief + that she <i>does</i> know.... She took it very well, poor + girl—<i>very</i> well. I expect she is really beginning + to put up with PODBURY—I'm sure I <i>hope</i> so, + sincerely!</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:35%;"> + <a href="images/257-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/257-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>"I dearly love reading a ghost-story," quoth the Baron, + "when, as the song says, 'The lights are low, And the + flickering shadows, Softly come and go.' And I did hope that + <i>Cecilia de Noël</i> was going to be just the very sort of + book for a winter's fireside. Disappointed. There is a ghost in + it, and there's <i>Cecilia de Noël</i> (good Christmassy name, + isn't it?) who instructs the ghost in his neglected Catechism; + for the ghost is as much an Atheist as the unbelieving Sadducee + in this same story, who, after all, is not converted. 'Alas! + Poor Ghost!' Very poor ghost! Bring me another ghost!" cries + the Baron. No other ghost is forthcoming to the invocation, but + a book is placed in his hands entitled <i>Fourteen to One</i>. + The Baron was about to dismiss it as a betting + book—judging by its title—when his eye caught the + name of ELIZABETH STUART PHELPS as authoress. So he read many + of the short stories therein. She has in many places the touch + of DICKENS. All are good; but for pathos, keen observation, and + dramatic surprise, "give me," says the Baron, emphatically, + "the short story of <i>The Madonna of the Tubs</i>." Admirable! + Those who take and act upon the Baron's tip, will do well to + ask for <i>Fourteen to One</i>, and see that they get it.</p> + + <p>What are the Baron's sentiments as to Christmas things? He + refused to have anything to say to games and cards. + Cards—well, we all know whose books some puritanical + party said <i>they</i> were. But these comic and artistic + Christmas Cards of RAPHAEL TUCK do not come into that category; + and same is to be said of Messrs. HILDESHEIMER's, so there's an + end on't. Henceforth, says the Baron, "No Cards."</p> + + <p>"Come to me, O ye children," as some one sings—ARTHUR + CECIL for choice—and it might be adapted for the occasion + by the Publishers of <i>Chatterbox</i>, in which box there's a + prize. Messrs. ROUTLEDGE go in for the old, old tales. They've + kindly given <i>Mother Hubbard</i> a new dress; and as for + their Panorama of the "Beasteses," it is like a picture-walk in + the Zoo. <i>Some Historic Women</i>, well selected by DAVENPORT + ADAMS, who should have styled it <i>Christmas Eves by + Adams</i>. With Mrs. MOLESWORTH's <i>Bewitched Lamp</i> the + Baron's Assistant is much pleased. Pictures ought to have been + in oil, and there should have been a Wickéd Fairy in + it,—but there isn't.</p> + + <p>My "Co." reports that Mrs. GRIMWOOD's long-expected book, + <i>My Three Years in Manipur</i> (BENTLEY), is worthy of the + theme, and adds a fresh laurel to the chaplet worn by the lady + on whose breast the QUEEN pinned the Red Cross. The moving + story is told with a simplicity that looks like the development + of the highest art. But the heroine of Manipur is unmistakably + artless. She is content to jot down, as if she were writing a + letter home, her impressions of what she sees, and her account + of what passes before her eyes. She has the gift of reproducing + with a few strokes of the pen, portraiture of anything that has + struck her. The only thing missed is detailed report of her own + brave bearing through the fearful night when the Residency was + attacked, and during the dreadful days that followed on the + flight towards Cachar. No one reading Mrs. GRIMWOOD's narrative + would guess what splendid part she played in that tragedy. + Fortunately that has been told elsewhere, and the omission is + an added charm to a book that has many others—including a + portrait of the author.</p> + + <p class="author">THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS AND CO.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>CIVIL SERVICE EXHIBITION.</h2> + + <p>DEAR MR. PUNCH,—The Military Exhibition was such a + success, and the Naval Exhibition was such a successor, that we + Government Clerks invoke your powerful aid to help us to + establish next year a Civil Service Exhibition. The Public have + really no idea what wondrous curiosities there are in the Civil + Service, and would, I feel sure, be amused and instructed at a + well-organised and representative Exhibition. At 10.15 A.M. + they would see real live Clerks sign real Attendance-Books, and + insert (real or unreal) times of arrival. In the course of the + morning there might be an Exhibition of Civil Servants over + sixty-five years of age, who didn't want to retire, with a + similar number of Civil Servants, of fifty-five years of age, + who didn't want them to stay. In the afternoon, in the Arena, + would daily be attempted the difficult feat of proceeding from + the Second Division to the Higher Division. The obstacles would + be represented by real Treasury Clerks and Civil Service + Commissioners, holding Orders in Council and Treasury Minutes; + and the Clerk successful in performing the feat might be + created a Duke.</p> + + <p>In one of the kiosks a lecture on <i>"Sick Leave and how to + spend it," by the Earl and the Doctor</i>, might be delivered + hourly. In another kiosk, official C.B.'s would be on show; + Jubilee C.B.'s being classed together on one side, and special + prominence being given to those C.B.'s who hadn't applied for + the honour, and to those who had obtained it for real services + otherwise unrecognised. After dark the "Treasury Ring" might + join hands and dance round the flashing light of their own + unassisted intellect.</p> + + <p>The different refreshment rooms (furnished by the Office of + Works) would be classified according to the varying rates of + Subsistence Allowance in force in the Service. Here the dinner + for the £1-a-day man—there the tea for the + 10<i>s.</i>-a-day man. Special luncheon rates for those not + absent from home at night, but absent for more than ten + hours.</p> + + <p>Visitors might be searched on arrival and departure by real + Custom House Officers. This would be sure to make it popular. + Please, dear <i>Mr. Punch</i>, do help us. Yours, &c.,</p> + + <p class="author">A GOVERNMENT CLERK.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>ENGLISH OPERA AS SHE ISN'T SUNG.</h2> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/257-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/257-2.png" + alt="Very sorry, my dear Sir Ivanhoe." /></a>"Very + sorry, my dear Sir Ivanhoe, but you're rather too + heavy for this Carte. We shall get along better with a + lighter weight." + </div> + + <p>It seems impossible to support a Royal English Opera House + with its special commodity of English Opera, that is, Opera + composed by an Englishman to an Englishman's <i>libretto</i>, + and played by English operatic singers. <i>Ivanhoe</i>, a + genuine English Opera, by a genuine English Composer (with an + Irish name), produced with great <i>éclat</i>, has, after a + fair run and lots of favour, been <i>Doyl-écarté</i>, in order + to make room for the <i>Basoche</i>, an essentially French + Opera, by French Composer and Librettists, done, of course, + into English, so as to be "understanded of the people." The + <i>Basoche</i> has "caught on," and our friends in front, + including Composer, Librettist, and + Middlemen—DRURIOLANUS, who bought it, and DOYLY CARTY, + who bought it of Sir DRURI—are all equally pleased and + satisfied. Considered as a matter of business, what signifies + the nationality as long as the spec pays?—<i>tout est + là.</i> Only why retain the differentiating title of "English" + for the establishment? Why not call it "The Cosmopolitan Opera + House"? Of course this applies, nowadays, to Covent Garden + Theatre, which is no longer the Italian Opera House, but simply + the Covent Garden Opera during the Operatic Season, when + French, English, Italian, and German Operas are played by a + Babel of singers. By the way, while on the subject of + nomenclature, why not "The Royal Babel Opera House"?</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page258" + id="page258"></a>[pg 258]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:67%;"> + <a href="images/258.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/258.png" + alt="A LUCID INTERVAL." /></a> + + <h3>A LUCID INTERVAL.</h3> + + <h4>(<i>Things one would rather have expressed + differently.</i>)</h4> + + <p><i>Doctor.</i> "HOW IS THE PATIENT THIS MORNING?"</p> + + <p><i>Nurse.</i> "WELL—HE HAS BEEN WANDERING A GOOD + DEAL IN HIS MIND. EARLY THIS MORNING I HEARD HIM SAY, 'WHAT + AN OLD WOMAN THAT DOCTOR IS!'—AND I THINK THAT WAS + ABOUT THE LAST REALLY <i>RATIONAL</i> REMARK HE MADE."</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE LITTLE GERMANIA MAGNATE;</h2> + + <h3>OR, TRYING TO SWAY THE SCEPTRE.</h3> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["<i>Suprema lex regis voluntas.</i>" Words reported to + have been written by the German Emperor in the Visitors' + Book of the City Council at Munich.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>No more let men chatter of such a small matter</p> + + <p class="i2">As Ladies Magnetic, with mystical + forces,</p> + + <p>Whose billiard-cue business strikes with sheer + dizziness</p> + + <p class="i2">Muscular Miloes who're game to lift + horses.</p> + + <p>As MITCHELL the bulky was made to look sulky</p> + + <p class="i2">By slight Mrs. ABBOTT, the Georgian + Mystery,</p> + + <p>She is struck silly by Behemoth BILLY,</p> + + <p class="i2">That young Teuton Titan, the toughest in + history.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>O Oracle Mighty (though vocally flighty),</p> + + <p class="i2">Great Creature, omniscient (if a bit + youthful),</p> + + <p>Panjandrum-plus-CÆSAR, Herculean Teaser</p> + + <p class="i2">Of tendencies vicious, or tame, or + untruthful!</p> + + <p>You mastered the Moral while sucking your + coral—</p> + + <p class="i2">You set the world right—in + idea—in your cradle.</p> + + <p>Omnipotent Bumble, our pride let us humble,</p> + + <p class="i2">And take our opinions—like + soup—from <i>your</i> ladle!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>You <i>are</i> such a fellow! The sages turn + yellow,</p> + + <p class="i2">The wits all go pallid, and so do the + heroes;</p> + + <p>Big Brontes grow jealous when <i>you</i> blow the + bellows,</p> + + <p class="i2">A fig for your CÆSARS, ISKANDERS, and + NEROS!</p> + + <p>You lick them all hollow, great Vulcan-Apollo,</p> + + <p class="i2">Sole lord of our consciences, lives, + arts, and armies!</p> + + <p>But (like Mrs. A., Sir) 'twould floor you to say, + Sir,</p> + + <p class="i2">Where, what, in the mischief the source + of your charm is!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Say, how <i>do</i> you do it? That Georgian's cue, + it,</p> + + <p class="i2">Compared with your sceptre, is just a + mere withy.</p> + + <p>You quietly front in with that calm + "<i>Voluntas</i>,"</p> + + <p class="i2">(Expressed for our guidance in epigrams + pithy)</p> + + <p>You hint you can rule us, and guide us, and school + us,</p> + + <p class="i2">"All off your own bat," without Clergy or + Minister,</p> + + <p>Giving swift gruel to stage-prank, or duel,</p> + + <p class="i2">Or any thing else <i>you</i> think stupid + or sinister.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>O Autocrat fateful, we ought to be grateful</p> + + <p class="i2">For such an infallible, all-potent + party,</p> + + <p>At <i>this</i> time of day too, to show us the way + to—</p> + + <p class="i2">Wherever you'd lead us, with confidence + hearty.</p> + + <p>And as for those duffers, your confidence + suffers</p> + + <p class="i2">To tug at the sceptre, with vain thoughts + of swaying it,</p> + + <p>What can it matter? "The Magnet" can shatter</p> + + <p class="i2">Their strength; at its pleasure + controlling or staying it.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In vain "Blood and Iron," with foes that environ</p> + + <p class="i2">Your sceptre, smart Press-man, or + Socialist spouter,</p> + + <p>May struggle together; you hold them in tether,</p> + + <p class="i2">Or so you proclaim, you, whom foes call + "the Shouter."</p> + + <p>The pose is imposing, if ere the scene's + closing,</p> + + <p class="i2">The "Little Germania Magnate" gets + beaten;</p> + + <p>Well, put at the worst, Sir, you are not the first, + Sir,</p> + + <p class="i2">Who playing the Thraso has humble-pie + eaten!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>"DINNER FORGET."—Lord RANDOLPH is coming home by a + Union Company's Steamer. The distinguished Unionist is to have + a special cook to attend to him. Does this mean that he returns + as a Special COOK's Tourist?</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>An Election Echo.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>GLADSTONIAN LAMBERT,</p> + + <p class="i2">Of course, as he should,</p> + + <p>This last bye-election</p> + + <p class="i2">Considered was good.</p> + + <p>But Unionist BULLER</p> + + <p class="i2">Has said, on reflection,</p> + + <p>That to him it seemed rather</p> + + <p class="i2">A Good-Bye election!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>NEW WORK.—<i>A Merry England in a Cat's Cradle</i>, by + the Author of <i>Across England in a Dog-Cart</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>A VERY REVOLTING PLACE.—Brazil.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page259" + id="page259"></a>[pg 259]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/259.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/259.png" + alt="THE LITTLE GERMANIA MAGNATE;" /></a> + + <h3>THE LITTLE GERMANIA MAGNATE;</h3>OR, TRYING TO SWAY THE + SCEPTRE. + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page261" + id="page261"></a>[pg 261]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/261.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/261.png" + alt="JONES, SHOOTING IN NEW BOOTS." /></a>JONES, + SHOOTING IN NEW BOOTS, IS KNOCKED OUT SIX MILES FROM + HOME, AND ACCORDINGLY IS TOLD OFF TO "MARK" FOR THE + PARTY. WIND N.N.E., VERY FRESH. THERMOMETER 28°. + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR FINANCIAL COLUMN.</h2> + + <p>I have been forced by the enormous increase of my business + to take larger offices, and to engage two hundred additional + clerks to carry on my immense correspondence. I merely mention + this as it may be satisfactory to my countless well-wishers. + But of course the old address—"CROESUS: London" will + still find me. I publish below a selection from the letters + received during the week.</p> + + <p>(1.) SIR,—You informed me in a private communication, + that the Patent Spills Manufacturing Co. stock was a splendid + investment. Acting on this, I bought. From that moment, Spills + have fallen steadily. Kindly explain.</p> + + <p class="author">Yours,<br /> + INDIGNANT.</p> + + <p>[To this I can only answer, that the complaint is ludicrous, + and preposterous. If you had bought on the day I advised, and + sold out ten minutes afterwards, you would have realised a + handsome profit of one farthing a share. Moreover, how can + anything fall steadily? I never did, which shows what a fool + "INDIGNANT" must be.</p> + + <p class="author">CROESUS.]</p> + + <p>(2.) SIR,—I send £22,000 19<i>s.</i> 8-3/4<i>d.</i>, + which I wish tied up as tightly as possible in the Unlimited + Packthread Stock Company, which you say is as safe as a house. + Let me know which particular house you mean. The money belongs + (or belonged) to my Maiden Aunt.</p> + + <p class="author">Yours sincerely,<br /> + BALIK RASH.</p> + + <p>[Consider it done, my dear Sir; consider it done. I return + the three farthings, for which I have no possible use. The rest + is invested. Transfers await your signature at my new + office.</p> + + <p class="author">CROESUS.]</p> + + <p>(3.) SIR,—I have saved £4 5<i>s.</i> 2<i>d.</i> during + the last twenty years, and now send it to you in the Automatic + Toast and Muffin Distributor Co., which I see guarantees a + return of 500 per cent., with an anticipated increase of 200 + per cent. from the sale of concessions in suburban districts. + "The Muffins," you say, "will always be kept at toasting point, + and, by a novel and ingenious arrangement, a perpetual supply + of the best butter will spread itself over every Muffin as it + is distributed to the Public." I like this very much. Pray, + therefore, place me on toast to the enclosed amount.</p> + + <p class="author">Yours,<br /> + ONE IN THE SLOT.</p> + + <p>[Have done what you wish. You have already cleared profit of + over £500. We shall add buns and crumpets to our business + to-morrow, and tea-cakes on the following day, so as to place + it in everybody's power to take the cake, if he wants to.</p> + + <p class="author">CROESUS.]</p> + + <p>I have little more to add this week, but I think it only + right to hint that I am engaged in perfecting the details of a + scheme which will revolutionise finance. I am not allowed, + <i>at present</i>, to enter into full particulars, but I may + say that I have been in close conference with the very highest + person in the world of finance, and that he is to submit my + plan to the next Cabinet Council. Briefly, when my scheme is + floated, Consols will immediately go to par, and will be + converted into a security bearing ten per cent. + interest—and this without a single penny being added to + the tax-payers' burdens. I have been authorised by the + officials of the Treasury to receive any investments that my + readers may offer. Now, therefore, is your time. Next week I + may have to take a short holiday, owing to the strain on my + nerves, caused by my numerous anxieties. But the good work will + go on as before.</p> + + <p class="author">"CROESUS LONDON."</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>GLORY AT THE LOWEST PRICE.</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[There is nothing whatever to hinder a civilian from + organising and managing an efficient army, and there are at + any given moment a score of men in the City of London, who + could carry out the work with perfect ease.—<i>Daily + Paper, November 19, 1891</i>.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>The Army Universal Provision Company + Limited (Managing Director, Mr.</i> BLACKLEY<i>). Enter + Recruit in Department No. 1. He looks round him surprised + at the business-like activity that greets him on every + side.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Foreman</i> (<i>politely</i>). Anything I can do for you, + Sir, to-day? We have an assortment of Queen's Shillings fresh + from the Mint. Curiosities, Sir, quite out of date, but + interesting. Can I tempt you?</p> + + <p><i>Recruit</i> (<i>with some hesitation</i>). Well, I + thought of joining the Army, and—</p> + + <p><i>Foreman</i> (<i>interrupting</i>). Certainly, Sir. Doctor + in that room. Magistrate in that. Be medically passed and sworn + to allegiance while you wait. (<i>Ushers Recruit into various + Departments—whence he emerges duly enrolled</i>.) And + now, Sir, which branch of the Service would you like to + see?</p> + + <p><i>Recruit</i>. Well, I did think of the Tenth Hussars.</p> + + <p><i>Foreman</i> (<i>promptly</i>). Quite right, Sir. + First-class Regiment, commanded by His Royal Highness Field + Marshal the Prince of WALES. (<i>To Assistant</i>.) Show this + gentleman the way to the outfitting-room—Tenth + Hussars.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[Recruit <i>in less than no time is fitted out. On his + return to the Central Hall he is once more greeted by a + principal official.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Foreman</i>. Now, Sir, you would like to learn your + drill?</p> + + <p><i>Recruit</i>. Well, yes—</p> + + <p><i>Foreman</i>. Quite so. We teach it in six easy lessons, + at twelve shillings a lesson. You can pay for it either out of + your reserved pay, or now. If the latter, we allow five per + cent. discount.</p> + + <p><i>Recruit</i> (<i>without hesitation</i>). I think I will + pay it later.</p> + + <p><i>Foreman</i> (<i>putting up his receipt-book</i>). + Certainly, Sir, No difference to us. And now, Sir, perhaps you + will take your lessons.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[Recruit <i>goes through a course which soon puts him + to-rights. At the end he shakes</i> Foreman <i>warmly by + the hand.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Recruit</i>. You are sure that I really know my + drill?</p> + + <p><i>Foreman</i>. Quite. Why, Sir, you are letter perfect. And + now, is there anything more we can do for you?</p> + + <p><i>Recruit</i>. Well, I did join the Army with the intention + of going to the wars.</p> + + <p><i>Foreman</i> (<i>apologetically</i>). Very sorry, Sir, but + we haven't the article on hand just at present. Sure to have + some by-and-by. Is there anything else we can do for you, + Sir?</p> + + <p><i>Recruit</i>. Well, failing a war, I should like a passage + to India.</p> + + <p><i>Foreman</i> (<i>in a deprecatory tone</i>). Well, Sir, + frankly, we cannot recommend it. But if you have made up your + mind, we must ask you to step over to the Waste Department. + They settle such-like matters there. See over yonder, Sir, + where that venerable General on crutches is. He has just got a + Colonelcy, but he can't hold it very long, as he is over + eighty! And now I must say adieu, as I have other pupils + claiming my assistance. Good day!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Starts off, and prepares food for powder in other + quarters. Curtain.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page262" + id="page262"></a>[pg 262]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/262.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/262.png" + alt="'BREEZY BRIGHTON.'" /></a> + + <h3>"BREEZY BRIGHTON."</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page263" + id="page263"></a>[pg 263]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/263-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/263-1.png" + alt="THE REVOLT OF THE RATEPAYERS AGAINST KING KOUNTY KOUNCIL THE FIRST." /> + </a> + + <h3>THE REVOLT OF THE RATEPAYERS AGAINST KING KOUNTY + KOUNCIL THE FIRST.</h3>(TEMPLE, WEMYSS, AND SAVORY LEAD THE + ATTACK.) + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE BOARD ON BOTH SIDES.</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>A Railway Carriage. Present two</i> + Passengers <i>discussing the Topics of the Day.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>First Passenger</i>. And then there's the School Board! I + am on my way to record my vote.</p> + + <p><i>Second Pass.</i> And so am I. I hope, Sir, we are of both + of the way of thinking?</p> + + <p><i>First Pass.</i> I hope so, too. My idea is to give the + children of the poor every possible advantage. Let them learn + all they can. Yes, Sir, let them learn all they can.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/263-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/263-2.png" + alt="'Why, it's as plain as the Nose on your face!'" /> + </a>"Why, it's as plain as the Nose on your face!" + </div> + + <p><i>Second Pass.</i> (<i>excitedly</i>). But, my dear Sir, + what can be the good of that? It will be of no use to them in + their future, and will only make them dissatisfied with their + position.</p> + + <p><i>First Pass.</i> (<i>calmly</i>). Ah, my dear Sir, you + evidently take a narrow view of the subject. Why should not the + poor enjoy equality with the rich? It is only the accident of + birth that divides the peasant from the Peer.</p> + + <p><i>Second Pass.</i> (<i>obstinately</i>). I do not care + about the cause, I only look to the result—the rich + <i>are</i> divided from the poor. It is ridiculous that an + orange-girl should play the piano, and a ploughman paint a + picture.</p> + + <p><i>First Pass.</i> (<i>smiling</i>). I do not see why. + Surely the poor should have their little amusements? And do we + not have it on decent classical authority, "that Art polishes + the manners, and renders them less ferocious!"</p> + + <p><i>Second Pass.</i> (<i>contemptuously</i>). Ah! You take a + sentimental view of it! Believe me, the people would be all the + better were they to receive a practical—a technical + education—say were they to be taught how to sweep + chimneys, or to blacken boots!</p> + + <p><i>First Pass.</i> (<i>complacently</i>). They will engage + in both those useful industries with the greater <i>gusto</i> + if they know that when they are at leisure they can understand + MACAULAY or enjoy BEETHOVEN.</p> + + <p><i>Second Pass.</i> (<i>with conviction</i>). But you must + admit that there is a good deal of waste. Consider Mr. FORSTER + calculated that the rate would be threepence in the pound, and + now it's a shilling, and will go higher still! Remember that + Londoners pay far more dearly than citizens of many provincial + towns, for an article not one whit better.</p> + + <p><i>First Pass.</i> (<i>with, a genial smile</i>). Ah, I see + you are quoting from the Press.</p> + + <p><i>Second Pass.</i> (<i>earnestly</i>). And why not? Is it + true, or is it not, that money is squandered upon rotten + buildings, upon excessive salaries to teachers, and upon the + provision of refinements in education?</p> + + <p><i>First Pass.</i> (<i>smiling</i>). Still quoting! But if I + admit that there is something in what you say, is it not always + the case? Have we ever unmixed good, or unmixed evil? And I + contend that the same advantages derivable from a School-Board + education entirely compensate for a little loss.</p> + + <p><i>Second Pass.</i> (<i>rather out of temper</i>). Well, you + take it calmly enough.</p> + + <p><i>First Pass.</i> (<i>amiably</i>). Why not? It is my + theory that every child should have the best possible + education. The infant should have enough mental food to last + him for life. It is our duty that he should got it.</p> + + <p><i>Second Pass.</i> (<i>with irritation</i>). Well, at least + you take an unselfish view of the case.</p> + + <p><i>First Pass.</i> (<i>smiling sweetly</i>). I don't see + that! As a matter of fact, I am sufficiently successful not to + care for competition. I believe that I am first-rate in my own + walk; and, however the School Board may educate, they will not + reach my standard.</p> + + <p><i>Second Pass.</i> (<i>drily</i>). I was not thinking of + that, although it is a consideration. But how about the rates, + my dear Sir—the rates?</p> + + <p><i>First Pass.</i> (<i>with a good-humoured laugh</i>). Oh, + bother the rates! I don't see where they come in.</p> + + <p><i>Second Pass.</i> (<i>with ghastly jocularity</i>). But I + do—by the front door.</p> + + <p><i>First Pass.</i> (<i>condescendingly</i>). Tut, tut! But + what have the rates to do with the matter?</p> + + <p><i>Second Pass.</i> (<i>astonished</i>). Why, at a shilling + in the pound and more to follow, you must admit they make a + hole in a modest income?</p> + + <p><i>First Pass.</i> (<i>enthusiastically</i>). And what if + they do, Sir—what if they do? Have we no duty to our + fellow man? Ought we not to sacrifice something on his + behalf—for his sake? And, my dear Sir, I speak all the + more dispassionately, because my rates are paid—<i>by my + Landlord!</i> [<i>Curtain.</i></p> + <hr /> + + <p>ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.—"HISTORICAL + GARDENER."—Yes, certainly—it was "The + Gallows-tree," from which "The Hanging Gardens of Babylon" took + their name. Any school-boy knows this.—"INQUIRING + BUOY."—No; the Nore Light is not a candelabraham.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page264" + id="page264"></a>[pg 264]</span> + + <h2>HOW IT'S DONE!</h2> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/264.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/264.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>DEAREST MADGE,</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>You have asked me to tell you some scandal!</p> + + <p class="i2">You seem to forget how I hate such a + theme—</p> + + <p>How I loathe and detest every girl who's a + Vandal,</p> + + <p class="i2">Destroying that fine work of Art, + Nature's Scheme.</p> + + <p>Why, I <i>never</i> talk scandal, you goose, and you + know it;</p> + + <p class="i2">It's no fascination whatever to + <i>me</i>.</p> + + <p>I <i>could</i> tell some, of course, for we county + folk grow it</p> + + <p class="i2">Like so many apples and pears on a + tree.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I repeat, I detest such a thing beyond measure.</p> + + <p class="i2">I'm not like dear MAUD, who my husband + declares</p> + + <p>Was invented and made to exist on the pleasure</p> + + <p class="i2">Of dragging to light other people's + affairs.</p> + + <p><i>She</i> would forward you scandalous tales by the + dozen—</p> + + <p class="i2">There's no one like <i>her</i> if you + want any news.</p> + + <p>I declare she's as bad as her wretch of a + cousin,</p> + + <p class="i2">Who's bolted with Major FITZ-DASH, of the + Blues.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Now, for instance, she told me (in confidence, mind + you)</p> + + <p class="i2">That Captain BLANK CARTRIDGE, when + playing at Nap,</p> + + <p>Has an odious habit of getting behind you,</p> + + <p class="i2">And calling according to what's on your + lap.</p> + + <p>(By the way, we have only just heard that the + Major,</p> + + <p class="i2">Who gave Lady B. such a beautiful + horse,</p> + + <p>Is a perfect <i>Don Juan</i>, and quite an old + stager</p> + + <p class="i2">At playing a prominent part in + divorce.)</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>More than that, she assures me (although I don't + doubt it)</p> + + <p class="i2">That D., though apparently sober and + staid,</p> + + <p>Is a flirt, and that people are talking about it</p> + + <p class="i2">Indignantly here. And it's true, I'm + afraid;</p> + + <p>For I heard Mrs. PARSONS, the wife of the Vicar,</p> + + <p class="i2">Inform Countess C. (who's forgiven, you + know)</p> + + <p>That each day she appears to get thicker and + thicker</p> + + <p class="i2">With N., though engaged to be married to + O.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>MAUD has written to mother, and said in her + letter</p> + + <p class="i2">(Marked "private ") that T., who has + taken to drink,</p> + + <p>And been sent to a sort of a home, is no better,</p> + + <p class="i2">And quenches his thirst, when he can, + with the ink.</p> + + <p>And the Dowager Duchess of M. (the old sinner!)</p> + + <p class="i2">Has dropped all the money she had backing + gees;</p> + + <p>While the Colonel, who's said to have spotted the + winner,</p> + + <p class="i2">Owns most of the horses that <i>lost</i>, + if you please!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But dear MAUD is the one for the news that's + exciting.</p> + + <p class="i2">You've wasted your paper in sending to + <i>me</i>.</p> + + <p>I would just as soon think, love, of flying as + writing</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>One word</i> of the scandal of + afternoon tea.</p> + + <p>Give my love to your mother, and kisses to + DORA—</p> + + <p class="i2">(She's doing the season with you, I + presume?)</p> + + <p>And believe me your ever affectionate, FLORA.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p class="i2">P.S. Mrs. K. has eloped with her + groom!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p><i>Scandal Hall, Torking</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>ONLY FANCY!</h2> + + <p>We find the following paragraph in a + contemporary:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>A meeting on the Somersetshire floods has been summoned + by the Earl of CORK, Lord-Lieutenant of the County, for + to-morrow, at Bridgewater.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p>We are bound to observe that this arrangement displays a + lamentable lack of consideration for others on the part of the + noble convener. It is all very well for the Earl of CORK to + select the Somersetshire floods for a place of meeting. But + whilst CORK is bobbing up and down, buoyantly enjoying himself, + what is to become of ordinary persons foregathered in such + circumstances? We presume that boats, or at least life-belts, + will be provided for the movers and seconders of the various + resolutions. Or does Bridgewater cover everything?</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Walking down St. James' Street the other day, whom should we + meet but the Earl of PORTSMOUTH, long known in the House of + Commons as Lord LYMINGTON. Opportunity was taken to inquire + whether a recent event in South Molton had led to any + estrangement between his Lordship and his former + constituents.</p> + + <p>"No, TOBY," said the belted Earl; "I think I may say, that, + between me and my old constituents, the wing of friendship has + not Molton a feather."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>In the foregoing paragraph, the phrase "belted Earl," is + used advisedly. At the period of which Sir WALTER SCOTT wrote + (<i>vide</i> any of his novels) it will be found that members + of this rank of the Peerage are all spoken of as belted. For + some time the fashion fell out of use. The belt was + appropriately revived by the late Earl of BEACONSFIELD, and is + now quite a common thing with the aristocracy. The Earl of + SELBORNE is very particular about the fit and cut of his.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>Mr. BOYCE, in his interesting and picturesque work, + <i>Snowdon and Rained Upon</i>, insists on the desirability of + taking only a light luncheon when engaged upon a pedestrian + tour. He adds, "I walked up Snowdon on two hard-boiled eggs." + The remark seems scarcely relevant, but it records a notable + achievement. Considering the height of Snowdon, and the + occasional stoniness of the path, to walk up it on two eggs, + howsoever hard-boiled, is a feat that puts in the shade the + Music-hall trick of riding up an inclined plane of rope on a + bicycle. Mr. BOYCE does not say what he came down upon. + Probably his back.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>We hear from Munich that underneath the motto, <i>Suprema + lex regis voluntas</i>, written in the Visitors' Book by the + Emperor of GERMANY, there now appears the following + line—<i>Rex est major singulis, minor universis</i>. Herr + HITHERCLIFT, the well-known German authority, having made a + careful examination of the page, states his opinion that the + handwriting is that of Prince BISMARCK, or is an excellent + imitation.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>A WARLIKE TALE FROM THE PACIFIC.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Fragment from the Possible Diary of a Realistic + Novelist.</i>)</h4> + + <p>Well, now I think I have got matters pretty straight. The + question is, whether the Baron will accept my last message as + chaff, or resent it. Let me see, how does it read—"It is + suggested, for the President's consideration, that rumours + uncorrected or unexplained acquire almost the force of admitted + truth." Quite so—so they do. Let me see—"That any + want of confidence between the governed and the Government must + be hurtful"—well, to us both. Yes! That's all right. So + it will! Lastly, "That the rumours, in their present form, tend + to damage the white races in the native mind, and to influence + for the worse the manners of the Samoans." Now, that + <i>ought</i> to fetch him! A wink is as good as a nod to a + blind pig! However, he is quite ass enough to do nothing! + Everybody saying that he is going to blow us all up, himself + included! Why it's enough to make the natives rise and kill + every white man in the place. Still, good idea for a story.</p> + + <p><i>Later</i>. The idiot! Instead of promptly denying the + facts, he says he won't have anything to do with us, because + "we care so little for the correctness of the facts we deal + with." We only asked for information. Are we going to be blown + into smithereens, or are we not? That's the point, and he won't + tell us! Wants to know what business it is of ours? The + situation is decidedly dramatic—but unpleasant!</p> + + <p><i>Later Still</i>.—Have replied that "the matter very + much concerns us." Tell him, we wrote, not for protection, but + for information. "Are we going to be blown up, or are we not?" + An answer will oblige.</p> + + <p><i>A Little Later</i>.—No, he is not to be drawn. + Won't swerve an inch. So now we are trying another dodge. Will + he resign his dual office? He says he will resign one. But he + knows that won't do. If he remains chief adviser to the King, + we shall be nowhere. His last idea is to resign the + Presidentship of the Municipal Council. Why, we are the + Council, and we should have kicked him out if he hadn't! Very + funny, but it's hard to laugh when one's within an ace of a + massacre or an explosion.</p> + + <p><i>Latest</i>.—Still in doubt. However, have a subject + for something in the dramatic line. What the entertainment will + be, depends upon the future development of the plot. At present + it may turn out a Tragedy—or an <i>Opéra-bouffe</i>.</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +101, November 28, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14123-h.htm or 14123-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/1/2/14123/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101, November 28, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 22, 2004 [EBook #14123] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 101. + + + +November 28, 1891. + + + + +LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS. + +NO. VII.--TO VANITY. + +DEAR VANITY, + +Imagine my feelings when I read the following letter. It lay quite +innocently on my breakfast-table in a heap of others. It was stamped +in the ordinary way, post-marked in the ordinary way, and addressed +correctly, though how the charming writer discovered my address +I cannot undertake to say; in fact, there was nothing in its +outward appearance to distinguish it from the rest of my everyday +correspondence. I opened it carelessly, and this is what I read:-- + +[Illustration] + +RIDICULOUS BEING,--In the course of a fairly short life I have read +many absurd things, but never in all my existence have I read anything +so absurd as your last letter. I don't say that your amiable story +about HERMIONE MAYBLOOM is not absolutely true; in fact, I knew +HERMIONE _very slightly_ myself when everybody was raving about her, +and I never _could_ understand what all you men (for, of course, +you are a man; no woman could be so foolish) saw in her to make you +lose your preposterous heads. To me she always seemed _silly_ and +_affected_, and _not in the least_ pretty, with her snub nose, and her +fuzzy hair. So I am rather glad, not from any personal motive, but +for the sake of _truth_ and _justice_, that you have shown her up. +No; what I do complain of is, your evident intention to make the world +believe that only women are vain. You pretend to lecture us about +our shortcomings, and you don't seem to know that there is no vainer +creature in existence than a man. No peacock that ever strutted with +an expanded tail is one-half so ridiculous or silly as a man. I +make no distinctions--_all men are the same_; at least, that's my +experience, and that of every woman I ever met. + +How do you suppose a woman like HERMIONE succeeds as she does? Why she +finds out (it doesn't take long, I assure you) the weak points of the +men she meets; their wretched jealousies, affectations and conceits, +and then artfully proceeds to flatter them and make each of them think +his particular self the lord of creation, until she has all the weak +and foolish creatures wound round her little finger, and slavishly +ready to fetch and carry for her. And all the time you go about and +boast of your conquest to one another, and imagine that _you_ have +subjugated her. But she sits at home and laughs at you, and _despises_ +you all from the flinty bottom of her heart. Bah! you're a pack of +fools, and I've no patience with you. As for you personally, if you +_must_ write any more, tell your fellow men something about their own +follies. It won't be news to _us_, but it may open _their_ eyes. If +you can't do that, you had better retire into your tub, and cease your +painful barking altogether. I've got my eye on you, so be careful. I +remain (thank goodness) + +A WOMAN. + + * * * * * + +Now that was not altogether an agreeable breakfast dish. And the worst +of it was that it was so supremely unjustifiable. Had my indignant +correspondent honoured me with her address, I should have answered +her at once. "Madam," I should have said, "your anger outstrips your +reason. I always intended to say something about men. I had already +begun a second letter to my friend VANITY on the subject. I can +therefore afford to forgive your hard words, and to admit that there +is a certain amount of truth in your strictures on us. But please +don't write to me again so furiously. Such excessive annoyance is +quite out of keeping with your pretty handwriting, and besides, it +takes away my appetite to think I have even involuntarily given you +pain. Be kind enough to look out for my next letter, but don't, for +goodness' sake, tell me what you think about it, unless it should +happen to please you. In that case I shall, of course, be proud and +glad to hear from you again." + +I now proceed, therefore, to carry out my intention, and, as usual, +I address myself to the fountain head. My dear VANITY, I never shall +understand why you take so much trouble to get hold of men. They are +not a pleasing sight when you have got them, and after a time it +must cease to amuse even you to see yourself reproduced over and over +again, and in innumerable ridiculous ways. For instance, there is +Dr. PEAGAM, the celebrated author of _Indo-Hebraic Fairy Tales: a new +Theory of their Rise and Development, with an Excursus on an Early +Aryan Version of_ "_Three Blind Mice_." Dr. PEAGAM is learned; he has +the industry of a beaver; he is a correspondent of goodness knows how +many foreign philosophical, philological, and mythological societies; +his record of University distinctions has never been equalled; his +advice has been sought by German Professors. Yet he carries all this +weight of celebrity and learning as lightly as if it were a wideawake, +and seems to think nothing of it. But he has his weak point, and, like +Achilles, he has it in his feet. + +This veteran investigator, this hoary and venerable Doctor, would +cheerfully give years off his life if only the various philosophers +who from time to time sit at his feet would recognise that those feet +are small, and compliment him on the fact. They _are_ small, there is +no doubt of it, but not small enough to be encased without agony in +the tiny, natty, pointed boots that he habitually wears. Let anybody +who wants to get anything out of Dr. PEAGAM lead the conversation +craftily on to the subject of feet and their proper size. Let him then +make the discovery (aloud) that the Doctor's feet are extraordinarily +small and beautiful, and I warrant that there is nothing the +Doctor can bestow which shall not be freely offered to this cunning +flatterer. That is why Dr. PEAGAM, a modest man in most respects, +always insists on sitting in the front row on any platform, and +ostentatiously dusts his boots with a red silk pocket-handkerchief. + +Then, again, who is there that has not heard of Major-General +WHACKLEY, V.C., the hero who captured the ferocious Ameer of Mudwallah +single-handed, and carried him on his back to the English camp--the +man to whose dauntless courage, above all others, the marvellous +victory of Pilferabad was due? Speak to him on military matters, +and you will find the old warrior as shy as a school-girl; but only +mention the word poetry, and you'll have him reciting his ballads and +odes to you by the dozen, and declaiming for hours together about the +obtuseness of the publishing fraternity. + +I don't speak now of literary men who value themselves above LAMB, +DICKENS, and THACKERAY, rolled into one; nor of artists who sneer at +TITIAN; nor of actors who hold GARRICK to be absurdly overrated. Space +would fail me, and patience you. But let me just for a brief moment +call to your mind ROLAND PRETTYMAN. Upon my soul, I think ROLAND the +most empty-headed fribble, the most affected coxcomb, and the most +conceited noodle in the whole world. He was decently good-looking +once, and he had a pretty knack of sketching in water-colours. + +But oh, the huge, distorted, overweening conceit of the man! I have +seen him lying full length on a couch, waving a scented handkerchief +amongst a crowd of submissive women, who were grovelling round him, +while he enlarged in his own pet jargon on the surpassing merits +of his latest unpublished essay, or pointed out the beauties of the +trifling pictures which were the products of his ineffective brush. +He will never accomplish anything, and yet to the end of his life, +I fancy, he will have his circle of toadies and flatterers who will +pretend to accept him as the evangelist of a glorious literary and +artistic gospel. For unfortunately he is as rich as he is impudent +and incompetent. And when he drives out in a Hansom he never ceases to +simper at his reflected image in the little corner looking-glasses, by +means of which modern cab-proprietors pander to the weakness of men. +Such is your handiwork, my excellent VANITY. Are you proud of it? + +Yours, &c., + +DIOGENES ROBINSON. + + * * * * * + +ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. + +"ONE WHO DOESN'T KNOW EVERYTHING."--You ask, What are the duties +of "the Ranger"? Household duties only. He has to inspect the +kitchen-ranges in the kitchens of Buckingham Palace, Windsor Castle, +Balmoral, and Osborne. Hence the style and title. He also edits Cook's +Guides. + +"ANOTHER IDIOT" wishes to know if there is such an appointment in the +gift of the Crown as the office of "Court Sweep." Why, certainly; and, +on State occasions, he wears the Court Soot, and his broom is always +waiting for him at the entrance! At Balmoral and Osborne there is a +beautiful sweep leading the visitor right up to the front door. + +"ONE MORE UNFORTUNATE" writes us,--"Sir, in what poem of MILTON's does +the following couplet occur?-- + + I'll light the _gas_ soon, + To play the _bas_-soon. + +How are the lines to be scanned?" _Ans._--On internal evidence, we +question whether the lines are MILTON's. In the absence of our Poet, +who is out for a holiday, we can only reply, that if shortsighted, +you can scan them by the aid of a powerful glass--of your favourite +compound. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "THE SWEET LITTLE CHERUB THAT SITS UP ALOFT." + +(_Modern Version, as it must be_.)] + + ["The Associated Chamber of Commerce ask that the Coastguard + stations, shore-lighthouses, rock lighthouses, and light-ships + of the United Kingdom, should, as far as possible, be + connected by telegraph or telephone with the general telegraph + system of the country, 'as a means for the protection of life + and property, as well as for national defence.'... France and + America, Holland and Denmark, provide their seamen with this + great safeguard in the hour of their utmost need. IS England + content to let her sailors die by hundreds for want of a + little money, or for want of a little care?"--_Times_.] + + _Prospero_. Why, that's my spirit! + But was not this nigh shore? + + _Ariel_. Close by, my master. + + _Prospero_. But are they, Ariel, safe? + + _Ariel_. Not a hair perish'd. + + _Tempest_, Act I., Scene 2. + + _CONTENT_? There's many an English heart will hear with fierce amaze + That England lags so far behind in these electric days-- + England, whose seamen are her shield, who vaunts in speech and song, + The love she bears her mariners! Wake, CAMPBELL, swift and strong + Of swell and sweep as the salt waves you sang as none could sing! + Rouse DIBDIN, of the homelier flight, but steady waft of wing! + Poetic shades, _this_ question, sure, should pierce the ear of death, + And make ye vocal once again with quick, indignant breath. + _Content_? Whilst round our rocky coasts the souls who guard them sink, + Death clutching from the clamorous brine, hope beaconing from the brink, + With lifted hands toward the lights that beam but to betray, + Because dull Britons fail to think, or hesitate to pay? + No! With that question a fierce thrill through countless listeners went, + And, hoarse with indignation, rings the answer, "_Not_ Content!" + + When the Armada neared our coast in days now dubbed as "dark," + Pre-scientific Englishmen, whom no Electric Spark + Had witched with its white radiance, yet sped from height to height + Of Albion's long wild sea-coast line the ruddy warning Light. + "Cape beyond Cape, in endless range, those twinkling points of fire"[1] + _Reveille_ shot from sea to sea, from wave-washed shire to shire, + Inland, from hill to hill, it flashed wherever English hand + Helpful at need in English cause could grip an English brand. + To-day? Well, round our jutting cliffs, across our hollowing bays + Thicker the light-ship beacons flash, the lighthouse lanterns blaze. + From sweep to sweep, from steep to steep, our shores are starred with light, + Burning across the briny floods through the black mirk of night, + Forth-gleaming like the eyes of Hope, or like the fires of Home, + Upon the eager eyes of men far-straining o'er the foam. + Good! But how greatly less than good to fear, to think, to know + That inland England's less alert against a whelming foe + Than when bonfire and beacon flared mere flame of wood and pitch, + From Surrey hills to Skiddaw! + Science-dowered, serenely rich, + Safe in its snugly sheltered homes, our England lies at ease, + Whilst round her cliffs gale-scourged to wrath the tiger-throated seas + Thunder in ruthless ravening rage, with rending crash and shock, + Through the dull night and blinding drift on leagues of reef and rock. + More furious than the Spaniards they, more fierce, persistent foes, + These deep-gorged, pallid, foaming waves. Yes, bright the beacon glows, + Warmly the lighthouse wafts its blaze of welcome o'er the brine; + The shore's hard by, but where the hands to whirl the rescuing line? + To launch the boat?--to hurl the buoy? The lighthouse men look out + Upon their wreck-borne brethren there, their hearts are soft as stout, + But signals will not pierce this dark, shouts rise o'er this fierce roar, + Rescue may wait at hand, but--_there's no cable to the shore!_ + + Content with _this_? Nay, callous he whom this stirs not to rage, + _Punch_ pictures, with prophetic pen, a brighter cheerier page, + Which _must be turned_, and speedily: + Good Mr. PROSPERO BULL, + Your _Ariel_ is the Electric Sprite, DIBDIN, of pity full + For tempest-tost Poor JACK, descried a Cherub up aloft + Watch-keeping o'er his venturous life. That symbol, quoted oft, + Must find new form to fit the time. The _Ariel_ of the Spark + Must watch around our storm-lashed coast in tempest and in dark, + Guardian of homeward-bound Poor JACK, to spread the news of fear, + And tell him, battling with the storm, that rescuing hands, though near, + Are not made helpless in his hour of agonising need, + By ignorance that heeds not, and neglect that fails to heed. + +[Footnote 1: MACAULAY's _Armada._] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: NATURAL HISTORY. + +"OH, _LOOK_, MUMMIE! NOW IT'S LEFT OFF RAINING, HE'S COME OUT OF HIS +KENNEL!"] + + * * * * * + +ALL BERRY WELL. + +SIR,--As there is so much talk just now about the best way in which +to make Coffee, I will mention the plan I adopt, in the hope that +some of your readers may imitate it in their own homes. It is very +simple. You take some of the excellent "Coffee Mixture," sold by the +"Arabo-Egyptian Pure Parisian Berry Company, Limited," at sixpence +the pound. You need not give more than one tea-spoon to every four +persons, as the coffee is very good and thick. Add condensed milk, +and fill with water, after which, let the pot stand on the hob an hour +before use. You would be surprised at the quality of the fluid which +results. It gives general satisfaction in my own circle. My nephew, +who lives with me, declares that it is the only genuine coffee he has +drunk since he returned from the East. He usually, however, has his +breakfast out. My General Servant says that "she prefers it to beer" +(though she takes both), and has asked me for some to send to an +Aunt of hers with whom she has quarrelled. I think this very nice and +forgiving of her, and have allowed her a quarter of a pound for that +purpose. My son-in-law, who unfortunately is rather addicted to drink, +says it is "the finest tap he ever tasted," and adds that if he could +be sure of always having such Coffee, he would join the Blue Ribbon +Army at once. Hitherto he has not joined. + + Yours humbly, + MARTHA HUSWIFE. + +SIR,--At my "Home for Elderly Orphans of Defective Brain Power," I +give an _excellent_ Coffee, made of five parts chicory, and one of +Mocha, supplied at a cheap rate by a House in the City, which owes +me money, and is paying it off in this way, with skim-milk added, in +moderation, and no sugar. None of the orphans has ever complained of +my Coffee. I should like to catch them doing so. It is nonsense to say +the art of coffee-making is unknown in England. + + Yours, indignantly, + CLEOPATRA JONES. + +SIR,--Here is the recipe for Coffee which we use at this Buffet:-- + +"Place one pound of the 'Nonpareil Turkish Pasha's Special Brand +Extract of finest Mocha' in the urn in the morning. Pour on boiling +water to half-way up. Let it stew all day. Draw off as wanted, and +dilute with 'Anglo-African Condensed Cows' Milk.'" + +Strange to say, we do not find great demand either for Coffee or Tea +(made on similar principles); but it is as well that the Public should +know that we have both in constant readiness, and of first-class +quality. The traveller who has drunk a cup of this Coffee in +conjunction with one of our celebrated Home-made Pork Pies, does not +require anything else till the end of the very longest journey, and, +probably, not even then. + + KEEPER OF THE REFRESHMENT ROOM, STARVEM JUNCTION. + + * * * * * + +THE GEORGIAN ERA AT THE ALHAMBRA.--Mrs. ABBOTT is an electric wonder. +Not strong muscularly, but with sufficient electric power to support +four or five of the inferior sex heaped anyhow on a chair. Such a +woman is a crown to a husband--nay, any amount of crowns at L200 +per week--and capable of supporting a family, however large, all by +her own exertions, or indeed, with scarcely any exertion at all. At +present, though married, she is a _femme seule_: but how long will she +remain the only electric wonder in London? Many years ago there was +a one-legged dancer named DONATO. Within sixteen weeks there were as +many one-legged dancers. We don't speak by the card, of course, but +one-legged dancers became a drug in the market. Already we hear of "A +Dynamic Phenomenon" at the Pavilion. Little Mrs. ABBOTT is an active, +spry little person, yet her "_vis inertiae_" is, at present, without a +parallel. + + * * * * * + +THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS. + +NO. XVI. + + SCENE--_Terrace and Grounds of the Grand Hotel Villa d'Este, + on Lake Como. PODBURY and CULCHARD are walking up and down + together._ + +_Podbury._ Well, old chap, your resigning like that has made all the +difference to _me_, I can tell you! + +_Culchard._ If I have succeeded in advancing your cause with Miss +PRENDERGAST, I am all the better pleased, of course. + +_Podb._ You have, and no mistake. She's regularly taken me in hand, +don't you know--she says I've no intelligent appreciation of Italian +Art; and gad, I believe she's right there! But I'm pulling up--bound +to teach you a lot, seeing all the old altar-pieces I do! And she +gives me the right tips, don't you see; she's no end of a clever girl, +so well-read and all that! But I say--about Miss TROTTER? Don't want +to be inquisitive, you know, but you don't seem to be much _about_ +with her. + +[Illustration: "Bound to teach you a lot, seeing all the old +altar-pieces I do!"] + +_Culch._ I--er--the feelings I entertain towards Miss TROTTER have +suffered no change--quite the reverse, only--and I wish to impress +this upon you, PODBURY--it is undesirable, for--er--many reasons, +to make my attentions--er--too conspicuous. I--I trust you have not +alluded to the matter to--well, to Miss PRENDERGAST, for example? + +_Podb._ Not I, old fellow--got other things to talk about. But I don't +quite see why-- + +_Culch._ You are not _required_ to see. I don't _wish_ it, that is +all. I--er--think that should be sufficient. + +_Podb._ Oh, all right, _I'll_ keep dark. But she's bound to know +sooner or later, now she and Miss TROTTER have struck up such +a friendship. And HYPATIA will be awfully pleased about it--why +_shouldn't_ she, you know?... I'm going to see if there's anyone on +the tennis-court, and get a game if I can. Ta-ta! + +_Culch._ (_alone_). PODBURY knows very little about women. If +HYP--Miss PRENDERGAST--once found out _why_ I renounced my suitorship, +I should have very little peace, I know that--I've taken particular +care not to betray my attachment to MAUD. I'm afraid she's beginning +to notice it, but I must be careful. I don't like this sudden intimacy +between them--it makes things so very awkward. They've been sitting +under that tree over there for the last half-hour, and goodness only +knows what confidences they may have exchanged! I really must go up +and put a stop to it, presently. + +_UNDER THE TREE._ + +_Hypatia._ I only tell you all this, sweetest one, because I _do_ +think you have rather too low an opinion of men as a class, and I +wanted to show you that I have met at least _one_ man who was capable +of a real and disinterested devotion. + +_Maud._ Well, I allowed that was about your idea. + +_Hyp._ And don't you recognise that it was very fine of him to give up +everything for his friend's sake? + +_Maud_. I guess it depends how much "everything" amounted to. + +_Hyp._ (_annoyed_). I thought, darling, I had made it perfectly plain +what a sacrifice it meant to him. _I_ know how much he--I needn't tell +you there are certain symptoms one can_not_ be deceived in. + +_Maud._ No, I guess you needn't tell me _that_, love. And it was +perfectly lovely of him to give you up, when he was under vow for you +and all, sooner than stand in his friend's light--only I don't just +see how that was going to help his friend any. + +_Hyp._ Don't you, dearest? Not when the friend was under vow for me, +too? + +_Maud._ Well, HYPATIA PRENDERGAST! And how many admirers do you have +around under vow, as a regular thing? + +_Hyp._ There were only those two. RUSKIN permits as many as seven at +one time. + +_Maud._ That's a vurry liberal allowance, too. I don't see how there'd +be sufficient suitors to go round. But maybe each gentleman can be +under vow for seven distinct girls, to make things sort of square now? + +_Hyp._ Certainly not. The whole beauty of the idea lies in the +unselfish and exclusive devotion of every knight to the same sovereign +lady. In this case I happen to know that the--a--individual had never +met his ideal until-- + +_Maud._ Until he met you? At Nuremberg, wasn't it? My! And what was +his name? Do tell! + +_Hyp._ You must not press me, sweetest, for I cannot tell that--even +to you. + +_Maud._ I don't believe but what I could guess. But say, you didn't +care any for _him_, or you'd never have let him go like that? _I_ +wouldn't. I should have suspected there was something behind! + +_Hyp._ My feelings towards him were purely potential. I did him the +simple justice to believe that his self-abnegation was sincere. But, +with your practical, cynical little mind, darling, you are hardly +capable of--excuse me for saying so--of appreciating the real value +and meaning of such magnanimity! + +_Maud._ Oh, I guess I _am_, though. Why, here's Mr. CULCHARD coming +along. Well, Mr. CULCHARD? + +_Culch._ I--ah--appear to have interrupted a highly interesting +conversation? + +_Maud._ Well, we were having a little discussion, and I guess you're +in time to give the casting vote--HYPATIA, you want to keep just +where you are, do you hear? I mean you should listen to Mr. CULCHARD's +opinion. + +_Culch._ (_flattered_). Which I shall be delighted to give, if you +will put me in possession of the--er--facts. + +_Maud._ Well, these are the--er--facts. There were two gentlemen under +vow--maybe you'll understand the working of that arrangement better +than I do?--under vow for the same young lady. [HYPATIA PRENDERGAST, +sit still, or I declare I'll pinch you!] One of them comes up and +tells her that he's arrived at the conclusion the other admirer is +the better man, and, being a friend of his, he ought to retire in +his favour, and he does it, too, right away. Now _I_ say that isn't +natural--he'd some other motive. Miss PRENDERGAST here will have it +he was one of those noble unselfish natures that deserve they should +be stuffed for a museum. What's _your_ opinion now? + +_Culch._ (_perspiring freely_). Why--er--really, on so delicate a +matter, I--I-- [_He maunders._ + +_Hyp._ MAUD, why _will_ you be so headstrong! (_In a rapid whisper._) +Can't you see ... can't you _guess_?... + +_Maud._ I guess I want to make sure Mr. CULCHARD isn't that kind of +magnanimous man himself. I shouldn't want him to renounce _me_! + +_Hyp._ MAUD! You might at _least_ wait until Mr. CULCHARD has-- + +_Maud._ Oh, but he _did_--weeks ago, at Bingen. And at Lugano, too, +the other day, he spoke out tolerable plain. I guess he didn't wish +any secret made about it--_did_ you, Mr. CULCHARD? + +_Culch._ I--ah--this conversation is rather ... If you'll excuse me-- +[_Escapes with as much dignity as he can command._ + +_Maud._ Well, my dear,--that's the sort of self-denying hairpin _he_ +is! What do you think of him _now_? + +_Hyp._ I do not think so highly of him, I confess. His renunciation +was evidently less prompted by consideration for his friend than by a +recollection--tardy enough, I am afraid--of the duty which bound him +to _you_, dearest. But if you had seen and heard him, as I did, you +would not have doubted the _reality_ of the sacrifice, whatever the +true reason may have been. For myself, I am conscious of neither anger +nor sorrow--my heart, as I told you, was never really affected. But +what must it be to _you_, darling! + +_Maud._ Well, I believe I'm more amused than anything. + +_Hyp._ Amused! But surely you don't mean to have anything more to do +with him? + +_Maud._ My dear girl, I intend to have considerable more to do with +him before I'm through. He's under vow for _me_ now, anyway, and I +don't mean he should forget it, either. He's my monkey, and he's got +to jump around pretty lively, at the end of a tolerable short chain, +too. And I guess, if it comes to renouncing, all the magnanimity's +going to be on _my_ side this time! + +_IN AN AVENUE._ + +_Culch._ (_to himself, as he walks hurriedly on_). I only saved myself +in time. I don't _think_ MAUD noticed anything--she couldn't nave been +so innocent and indifferent if she had.... And HYPATIA won't enlighten +her any further now--after what she knows. It's rather a relief that +she _does_ know.... She took it very well, poor girl--_very_ well. +I expect she is really beginning to put up with PODBURY--I'm sure I +_hope_ so, sincerely! + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration] + +"I dearly love reading a ghost-story," quoth the Baron, "when, as the +song says, 'The lights are low, And the flickering shadows, Softly +come and go.' And I did hope that _Cecilia de Noel_ was going to be +just the very sort of book for a winter's fireside. Disappointed. +There is a ghost in it, and there's _Cecilia de Noel_ (good +Christmassy name, isn't it?) who instructs the ghost in his neglected +Catechism; for the ghost is as much an Atheist as the unbelieving +Sadducee in this same story, who, after all, is not converted. 'Alas! +Poor Ghost!' Very poor ghost! Bring me another ghost!" cries the +Baron. No other ghost is forthcoming to the invocation, but a book is +placed in his hands entitled _Fourteen to One_. The Baron was about +to dismiss it as a betting book--judging by its title--when his eye +caught the name of ELIZABETH STUART PHELPS as authoress. So he read +many of the short stories therein. She has in many places the touch of +DICKENS. All are good; but for pathos, keen observation, and dramatic +surprise, "give me," says the Baron, emphatically, "the short story of +_The Madonna of the Tubs_." Admirable! Those who take and act upon the +Baron's tip, will do well to ask for _Fourteen to One_, and see that +they get it. + +What are the Baron's sentiments as to Christmas things? He refused +to have anything to say to games and cards. Cards--well, we all know +whose books some puritanical party said _they_ were. But these comic +and artistic Christmas Cards of RAPHAEL TUCK do not come into that +category; and same is to be said of Messrs. HILDESHEIMER's, so there's +an end on't. Henceforth, says the Baron, "No Cards." + +"Come to me, O ye children," as some one sings--ARTHUR CECIL for +choice--and it might be adapted for the occasion by the Publishers +of _Chatterbox_, in which box there's a prize. Messrs. ROUTLEDGE go +in for the old, old tales. They've kindly given _Mother Hubbard_ a +new dress; and as for their Panorama of the "Beasteses," it is like +a picture-walk in the Zoo. _Some Historic Women_, well selected by +DAVENPORT ADAMS, who should have styled it _Christmas Eves by Adams_. +With Mrs. MOLESWORTH's _Bewitched Lamp_ the Baron's Assistant is much +pleased. Pictures ought to have been in oil, and there should have +been a Wicked Fairy in it,--but there isn't. + +My "Co." reports that Mrs. GRIMWOOD's long-expected book, _My Three +Years in Manipur_ (BENTLEY), is worthy of the theme, and adds a fresh +laurel to the chaplet worn by the lady on whose breast the QUEEN +pinned the Red Cross. The moving story is told with a simplicity that +looks like the development of the highest art. But the heroine of +Manipur is unmistakably artless. She is content to jot down, as if +she were writing a letter home, her impressions of what she sees, +and her account of what passes before her eyes. She has the gift of +reproducing with a few strokes of the pen, portraiture of anything +that has struck her. The only thing missed is detailed report of her +own brave bearing through the fearful night when the Residency was +attacked, and during the dreadful days that followed on the flight +towards Cachar. No one reading Mrs. GRIMWOOD's narrative would guess +what splendid part she played in that tragedy. Fortunately that has +been told elsewhere, and the omission is an added charm to a book that +has many others--including a portrait of the author. + +THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS AND CO. + + * * * * * + +CIVIL SERVICE EXHIBITION. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--The Military Exhibition was such a success, and +the Naval Exhibition was such a successor, that we Government Clerks +invoke your powerful aid to help us to establish next year a Civil +Service Exhibition. The Public have really no idea what wondrous +curiosities there are in the Civil Service, and would, I feel sure, +be amused and instructed at a well-organised and representative +Exhibition. At 10.15 A.M. they would see real live Clerks sign real +Attendance-Books, and insert (real or unreal) times of arrival. In the +course of the morning there might be an Exhibition of Civil Servants +over sixty-five years of age, who didn't want to retire, with a +similar number of Civil Servants, of fifty-five years of age, who +didn't want them to stay. In the afternoon, in the Arena, would daily +be attempted the difficult feat of proceeding from the Second Division +to the Higher Division. The obstacles would be represented by real +Treasury Clerks and Civil Service Commissioners, holding Orders in +Council and Treasury Minutes; and the Clerk successful in performing +the feat might be created a Duke. + +In one of the kiosks a lecture on _"Sick Leave and how to spend it," +by the Earl and the Doctor_, might be delivered hourly. In another +kiosk, official C.B.'s would be on show; Jubilee C.B.'s being classed +together on one side, and special prominence being given to those +C.B.'s who hadn't applied for the honour, and to those who had +obtained it for real services otherwise unrecognised. After dark the +"Treasury Ring" might join hands and dance round the flashing light of +their own unassisted intellect. + +The different refreshment rooms (furnished by the Office of Works) +would be classified according to the varying rates of Subsistence +Allowance in force in the Service. Here the dinner for the L1-a-day +man--there the tea for the 10s.-a-day man. Special luncheon rates +for those not absent from home at night, but absent for more than ten +hours. + +Visitors might be searched on arrival and departure by real Custom +House Officers. This would be sure to make it popular. Please, dear +_Mr. Punch_, do help us. Yours, &c., + +A GOVERNMENT CLERK. + + * * * * * + +ENGLISH OPERA AS SHE ISN'T SUNG. + +[Illustration: "Very sorry, my dear Sir Ivanhoe, but you're rather +too heavy for this Carte. We shall get along better with a lighter +weight."] + +It seems impossible to support a Royal English Opera House with its +special commodity of English Opera, that is, Opera composed by an +Englishman to an Englishman's _libretto_, and played by English +operatic singers. _Ivanhoe_, a genuine English Opera, by a genuine +English Composer (with an Irish name), produced with great _eclat_, +has, after a fair run and lots of favour, been _Doyl-ecarte_, in +order to make room for the _Basoche_, an essentially French Opera, +by French Composer and Librettists, done, of course, into English, +so as to be "understanded of the people." The _Basoche_ has "caught +on," and our friends in front, including Composer, Librettist, and +Middlemen--DRURIOLANUS, who bought it, and DOYLY CARTY, who bought it +of Sir DRURI--are all equally pleased and satisfied. Considered as +a matter of business, what signifies the nationality as long as the +spec pays?--_tout est la._ Only why retain the differentiating title +of "English" for the establishment? Why not call it "The Cosmopolitan +Opera House"? Of course this applies, nowadays, to Covent Garden +Theatre, which is no longer the Italian Opera House, but simply the +Covent Garden Opera during the Operatic Season, when French, English, +Italian, and German Operas are played by a Babel of singers. By the +way, while on the subject of nomenclature, why not "The Royal Babel +Opera House"? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A LUCID INTERVAL. + +(_THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE EXPRESSED DIFFERENTLY._) + +_Doctor._ "HOW IS THE PATIENT THIS MORNING?" + +_Nurse._ "WELL--HE HAS BEEN WANDERING A GOOD DEAL IN HIS MIND. EARLY +THIS MORNING I HEARD HIM SAY, 'WHAT AN OLD WOMAN THAT DOCTOR IS!'--AND +I THINK THAT WAS ABOUT THE LAST REALLY _RATIONAL_ REMARK HE MADE."] + + * * * * * + +THE LITTLE GERMANIA MAGNATE; + +OR, TRYING TO SWAY THE SCEPTRE. + + ["_Suprema lex regis voluntas._" Words reported to have been + written by the German Emperor in the Visitors' Book of the + City Council at Munich.] + + No more let men chatter of such a small matter + As Ladies Magnetic, with mystical forces, + Whose billiard-cue business strikes with sheer dizziness + Muscular Miloes who're game to lift horses. + As MITCHELL the bulky was made to look sulky + By slight Mrs. ABBOTT, the Georgian Mystery, + She is struck silly by Behemoth BILLY, + That young Teuton Titan, the toughest in history. + + O Oracle Mighty (though vocally flighty), + Great Creature, omniscient (if a bit youthful), + Panjandrum-plus-CAESAR, Herculean Teaser + Of tendencies vicious, or tame, or untruthful! + You mastered the Moral while sucking your coral-- + You set the world right--in idea--in your cradle. + Omnipotent Bumble, our pride let us humble, + And take our opinions--like soup--from _your_ ladle! + + You _are_ such a fellow! The sages turn yellow, + The wits all go pallid, and so do the heroes; + Big Brontes grow jealous when _you_ blow the bellows, + A fig for your CAESARS, ISKANDERS, and NEROS! + You lick them all hollow, great Vulcan-Apollo, + Sole lord of our consciences, lives, arts, and armies! + But (like Mrs. A., Sir) 'twould floor you to say, Sir, + Where, what, in the mischief the source of your charm is! + + Say, how _do_ you do it? That Georgian's cue, it, + Compared with your sceptre, is just a mere withy. + You quietly front in with that calm "_Voluntas_," + (Expressed for our guidance in epigrams pithy) + You hint you can rule us, and guide us, and school us, + "All off your own bat," without Clergy or Minister, + Giving swift gruel to stage-prank, or duel, + Or any thing else _you_ think stupid or sinister. + + O Autocrat fateful, we ought to be grateful + For such an infallible, all-potent party, + At _this_ time of day too, to show us the way to-- + Wherever you'd lead us, with confidence hearty. + And as for those duffers, your confidence suffers + To tug at the sceptre, with vain thoughts of swaying it, + What can it matter? "The Magnet" can shatter + Their strength; at its pleasure controlling or staying it. + + In vain "Blood and Iron," with foes that environ + Your sceptre, smart Press-man, or Socialist spouter, + May struggle together; you hold them in tether, + Or so you proclaim, you, whom foes call "the Shouter." + The pose is imposing, if ere the scene's closing, + The "Little Germania Magnate" gets beaten; + Well, put at the worst, Sir, you are not the first, Sir, + Who playing the Thraso has humble-pie eaten! + + * * * * * + +"DINNER FORGET."--Lord RANDOLPH is coming home by a Union Company's +Steamer. The distinguished Unionist is to have a special cook to +attend to him. Does this mean that he returns as a Special COOK's +Tourist? + + * * * * * + +AN ELECTION ECHO. + + GLADSTONIAN LAMBERT, + Of course, as he should, + This last bye-election + Considered was good. + But Unionist BULLER + Has said, on reflection, + That to him it seemed rather + A Good-Bye election! + + * * * * * + +NEW WORK.--_A Merry England in a Cat's Cradle_, by the Author of +_Across England in a Dog-Cart_. + + * * * * * + +A VERY REVOLTING PLACE.--Brazil. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE LITTLE GERMANIA MAGNATE; + +OR, TRYING TO SWAY THE SCEPTRE.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: JONES, SHOOTING IN NEW BOOTS, IS KNOCKED OUT SIX MILES +FROM HOME, AND ACCORDINGLY IS TOLD OFF TO "MARK" FOR THE PARTY. WIND +N.N.E., VERY FRESH. THERMOMETER 28 deg..] + + * * * * * + +OUR FINANCIAL COLUMN. + +I have been forced by the enormous increase of my business to take +larger offices, and to engage two hundred additional clerks to carry +on my immense correspondence. I merely mention this as it may be +satisfactory to my countless well-wishers. But of course the old +address--"CROESUS: London" will still find me. I publish below a +selection from the letters received during the week. + +(1.) SIR,--You informed me in a private communication, that the Patent +Spills Manufacturing Co. stock was a splendid investment. Acting on +this, I bought. From that moment, Spills have fallen steadily. Kindly +explain. + +Yours, + +INDIGNANT. + +[To this I can only answer, that the complaint is ludicrous, and +preposterous. If you had bought on the day I advised, and sold out ten +minutes afterwards, you would have realised a handsome profit of one +farthing a share. Moreover, how can anything fall steadily? I never +did, which shows what a fool "INDIGNANT" must be. + +CROESUS.] + +(2.) SIR,--I send L22,000 19s. 83/4d., which I wish tied up as tightly +as possible in the Unlimited Packthread Stock Company, which you say +is as safe as a house. Let me know which particular house you mean. +The money belongs (or belonged) to my Maiden Aunt. + +Yours sincerely, + +BALIK RASH. + +[Consider it done, my dear Sir; consider it done. I return the three +farthings, for which I have no possible use. The rest is invested. +Transfers await your signature at my new office. + +CROESUS.] + +(3.) SIR,--I have saved L4 5s. 2d. during the last twenty years, and +now send it to you in the Automatic Toast and Muffin Distributor Co., +which I see guarantees a return of 500 per cent., with an anticipated +increase of 200 per cent. from the sale of concessions in suburban +districts. "The Muffins," you say, "will always be kept at toasting +point, and, by a novel and ingenious arrangement, a perpetual supply +of the best butter will spread itself over every Muffin as it is +distributed to the Public." I like this very much. Pray, therefore, +place me on toast to the enclosed amount. + +Yours, + +ONE IN THE SLOT. + +[Have done what you wish. You have already cleared profit of over +L500. We shall add buns and crumpets to our business to-morrow, and +tea-cakes on the following day, so as to place it in everybody's power +to take the cake, if he wants to. + +CROESUS.] + +I have little more to add this week, but I think it only right to hint +that I am engaged in perfecting the details of a scheme which will +revolutionise finance. I am not allowed, _at present_, to enter into +full particulars, but I may say that I have been in close conference +with the very highest person in the world of finance, and that he is +to submit my plan to the next Cabinet Council. Briefly, when my scheme +is floated, Consols will immediately go to par, and will be converted +into a security bearing ten per cent. interest--and this without +a single penny being added to the tax-payers' burdens. I have been +authorised by the officials of the Treasury to receive any investments +that my readers may offer. Now, therefore, is your time. Next week I +may have to take a short holiday, owing to the strain on my nerves, +caused by my numerous anxieties. But the good work will go on as +before. + +"CROESUS LONDON." + + * * * * * + +GLORY AT THE LOWEST PRICE. + + [There is nothing whatever to hinder a civilian from + organising and managing an efficient army, and there are at + any given moment a score of men in the City of London, who + could carry out the work with perfect ease.--_Daily Paper, + November 19, 1891_.] + + SCENE--_The Army Universal Provision Company Limited (Managing + Director, Mr. BLACKLEY). Enter Recruit in Department No. + 1. He looks round him surprised at the business-like activity + that greets him on every side._ + +_Foreman_ (_politely_). Anything I can do for you, Sir, to-day? +We have an assortment of Queen's Shillings fresh from the Mint. +Curiosities, Sir, quite out of date, but interesting. Can I tempt you? + +_Recruit_ (_with some hesitation_). Well, I thought of joining the +Army, and-- + +_Foreman_ (_interrupting_). Certainly, Sir. Doctor in that room. +Magistrate in that. Be medically passed and sworn to allegiance while +you wait. (_Ushers Recruit into various Departments--whence he emerges +duly enrolled_.) And now, Sir, which branch of the Service would you +like to see? + +_Recruit_. Well, I did think of the Tenth Hussars. + +_Foreman_ (_promptly_). Quite right, Sir. First-class Regiment, +commanded by His Royal Highness Field Marshal the Prince of +WALES. (_To Assistant._) Show this gentleman the way to the +outfitting-room--Tenth Hussars. + + [_Recruit in less than no time is fitted out. On his return + to the Central Hall he is once more greeted by a principal + official._ + +_Foreman_. Now, Sir, you would like to learn your drill? + +_Recruit_. Well, yes-- + +_Foreman_. Quite so. We teach it in six easy lessons, at twelve +shillings a lesson. You can pay for it either out of your reserved +pay, or now. If the latter, we allow five per cent. discount. + +_Recruit_ (_without hesitation_). I think I will pay it later. + +_Foreman_ (_putting up his receipt-book_). Certainly, Sir, No +difference to us. And now, Sir, perhaps you will take your lessons. + + [_Recruit goes through a course which soon puts him to-rights. + At the end he shakes Foreman warmly by the hand._ + +_Recruit_. You are sure that I really know my drill? + +_Foreman_. Quite. Why, Sir, you are letter perfect. And now, is there +anything more we can do for you? + +_Recruit_. Well, I did join the Army with the intention of going to +the wars. + +_Foreman_ (_apologetically_). Very sorry, Sir, but we haven't the +article on hand just at present. Sure to have some by-and-by. Is there +anything else we can do for you, Sir? + +_Recruit_. Well, failing a war, I should like a passage to India. + +_Foreman_ (_in a deprecatory tone_). Well, Sir, frankly, we cannot +recommend it. But if you have made up your mind, we must ask you +to step over to the Waste Department. They settle such-like matters +there. See over yonder, Sir, where that venerable General on crutches +is. He has just got a Colonelcy, but he can't hold it very long, as +he is over eighty! And now I must say adieu, as I have other pupils +claiming my assistance. Good day! + + [_Starts off, and prepares food for powder in other quarters. + Curtain._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "BREEZY BRIGHTON."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE REVOLT OF THE RATEPAYERS AGAINST KING KOUNTY +KOUNCIL THE FIRST. + +(TEMPLE, WEMYSS, AND SAVORY LEAD THE ATTACK.)] + + * * * * * + +THE BOARD ON BOTH SIDES. + + SCENE--_A Railway Carriage. Present two Passengers + discussing the Topics of the Day._ + +_First Passenger_. And then there's the School Board! I am on my way +to record my vote. + +_Second Pass._ And so am I. I hope, Sir, we are of both of the way of +thinking? + +_First Pass._ I hope so, too. My idea is to give the children of the +poor every possible advantage. Let them learn all they can. Yes, Sir, +let them learn all they can. + +[Illustration: "Why, it's as plain as the Nose on your face!"] + +_Second Pass._ (_excitedly_). But, my dear Sir, what can be the good +of that? It will be of no use to them in their future, and will only +make them dissatisfied with their position. + +_First Pass._ (_calmly_). Ah, my dear Sir, you evidently take a narrow +view of the subject. Why should not the poor enjoy equality with the +rich? It is only the accident of birth that divides the peasant from +the Peer. + +_Second Pass._ (_obstinately_). I do not care about the cause, I +only look to the result--the rich _are_ divided from the poor. It is +ridiculous that an orange-girl should play the piano, and a ploughman +paint a picture. + +_First Pass._ (_smiling_). I do not see why. Surely the poor should +have their little amusements? And do we not have it on decent +classical authority, "that Art polishes the manners, and renders them +less ferocious!" + +_Second Pass._ (_contemptuously_). Ah! You take a sentimental view +of it! Believe me, the people would be all the better were they to +receive a practical--a technical education--say were they to be taught +how to sweep chimneys, or to blacken boots! + +_First Pass._ (_complacently_). They will engage in both those useful +industries with the greater _gusto_ if they know that when they are at +leisure they can understand MACAULAY or enjoy BEETHOVEN. + +_Second Pass._ (_with conviction_). But you must admit that there is +a good deal of waste. Consider Mr. FORSTER calculated that the rate +would be threepence in the pound, and now it's a shilling, and will +go higher still! Remember that Londoners pay far more dearly than +citizens of many provincial towns, for an article not one whit better. + +_First Pass._ (_with, a genial smile_). Ah, I see you are quoting from +the Press. + +_Second Pass._ (_earnestly_). And why not? Is it true, or is it +not, that money is squandered upon rotten buildings, upon excessive +salaries to teachers, and upon the provision of refinements in +education? + +_First Pass._ (_smiling_). Still quoting! But if I admit that there +is something in what you say, is it not always the case? Have we ever +unmixed good, or unmixed evil? And I contend that the same advantages +derivable from a School-Board education entirely compensate for a +little loss. + +_Second Pass._ (_rather out of temper_). Well, you take it calmly +enough. + +_First Pass._ (_amiably_). Why not? It is my theory that every child +should have the best possible education. The infant should have enough +mental food to last him for life. It is our duty that he should got +it. + +_Second Pass._ (_with irritation_). Well, at least you take an +unselfish view of the case. + +_First Pass._ (_smiling sweetly_). I don't see that! As a matter of +fact, I am sufficiently successful not to care for competition. I +believe that I am first-rate in my own walk; and, however the School +Board may educate, they will not reach my standard. + +_Second Pass._ (_drily_). I was not thinking of that, although it is a +consideration. But how about the rates, my dear Sir--the rates? + +_First Pass._ (_with a good-humoured laugh_). Oh, bother the rates! I +don't see where they come in. + +_Second Pass._ (_with ghastly jocularity_). But I do--by the front +door. + +_First Pass._ (_condescendingly_). Tut, tut! But what have the rates +to do with the matter? + +_Second Pass._ (_astonished_). Why, at a shilling in the pound and +more to follow, you must admit they make a hole in a modest income? + +_First Pass._ (_enthusiastically_). And what if they do, Sir--what if +they do? Have we no duty to our fellow man? Ought we not to sacrifice +something on his behalf--for his sake? And, my dear Sir, I speak all +the more dispassionately, because my rates are paid--_by my Landlord!_ +[_Curtain._ + + * * * * * + +ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.--"HISTORICAL GARDENER."--Yes, certainly--it +was "The Gallows-tree," from which "The Hanging Gardens of Babylon" +took their name. Any school-boy knows this.--"INQUIRING BUOY."--No; +the Nore Light is not a candelabraham. + + * * * * * + +HOW IT'S DONE! + +[Illustration] + +DEAREST MADGE, + + You have asked me to tell you some scandal! + You seem to forget how I hate such a theme-- + How I loathe and detest every girl who's a Vandal, + Destroying that fine work of Art, Nature's Scheme. + Why, I _never_ talk scandal, you goose, and you know it; + It's no fascination whatever to _me_. + I _could_ tell some, of course, for we county folk grow it + Like so many apples and pears on a tree. + + I repeat, I detest such a thing beyond measure. + I'm not like dear MAUD, who my husband declares + Was invented and made to exist on the pleasure + Of dragging to light other people's affairs. + _She_ would forward you scandalous tales by the dozen-- + There's no one like _her_ if you want any news. + I declare she's as bad as her wretch of a cousin, + Who's bolted with Major FITZ-DASH, of the Blues. + + Now, for instance, she told me (in confidence, mind you) + That Captain BLANK CARTRIDGE, when playing at Nap, + Has an odious habit of getting behind you, + And calling according to what's on your lap. + (By the way, we have only just heard that the Major, + Who gave Lady B. such a beautiful horse, + Is a perfect _Don Juan_, and quite an old stager + At playing a prominent part in divorce.) + + More than that, she assures me (although I don't doubt it) + That D., though apparently sober and staid, + Is a flirt, and that people are talking about it + Indignantly here. And it's true, I'm afraid; + For I heard Mrs. PARSONS, the wife of the Vicar, + Inform Countess C. (who's forgiven, you know) + That each day she appears to get thicker and thicker + With N., though engaged to be married to O. + + MAUD has written to mother, and said in her letter + (Marked "private ") that T., who has taken to drink, + And been sent to a sort of a home, is no better, + And quenches his thirst, when he can, with the ink. + And the Dowager Duchess of M. (the old sinner!) + Has dropped all the money she had backing gees; + While the Colonel, who's said to have spotted the winner, + Owns most of the horses that _lost_, if you please! + + But dear MAUD is the one for the news that's exciting. + You've wasted your paper in sending to _me_. + I would just as soon think, love, of flying as writing + _One word_ of the scandal of afternoon tea. + Give my love to your mother, and kisses to DORA-- + (She's doing the season with you, I presume?) + And believe me your ever affectionate, FLORA. + + P.S. Mrs. K. has eloped with her groom! + +_Scandal Hall, Torking_. + + * * * * * + +ONLY FANCY! + +We find the following paragraph in a contemporary:-- + + A meeting on the Somersetshire floods has been summoned by the + Earl of CORK, Lord-Lieutenant of the County, for to-morrow, at + Bridgewater. + +We are bound to observe that this arrangement displays a lamentable +lack of consideration for others on the part of the noble convener. +It is all very well for the Earl of CORK to select the Somersetshire +floods for a place of meeting. But whilst CORK is bobbing up and down, +buoyantly enjoying himself, what is to become of ordinary persons +foregathered in such circumstances? We presume that boats, or at +least life-belts, will be provided for the movers and seconders of the +various resolutions. Or does Bridgewater cover everything? + + * * * * * + +Walking down St. James' Street the other day, whom should we meet but +the Earl of PORTSMOUTH, long known in the House of Commons as Lord +LYMINGTON. Opportunity was taken to inquire whether a recent event in +South Molton had led to any estrangement between his Lordship and his +former constituents. + +"No, TOBY," said the belted Earl; "I think I may say, that, between +me and my old constituents, the wing of friendship has not Molton a +feather." + + * * * * * + +In the foregoing paragraph, the phrase "belted Earl," is used +advisedly. At the period of which Sir WALTER SCOTT wrote (_vide_ +any of his novels) it will be found that members of this rank of the +Peerage are all spoken of as belted. For some time the fashion fell +out of use. The belt was appropriately revived by the late Earl of +BEACONSFIELD, and is now quite a common thing with the aristocracy. +The Earl of SELBORNE is very particular about the fit and cut of his. + + * * * * * + +Mr. BOYCE, in his interesting and picturesque work, _Snowdon and +Rained Upon_, insists on the desirability of taking only a light +luncheon when engaged upon a pedestrian tour. He adds, "I walked up +Snowdon on two hard-boiled eggs." The remark seems scarcely relevant, +but it records a notable achievement. Considering the height of +Snowdon, and the occasional stoniness of the path, to walk up it on +two eggs, howsoever hard-boiled, is a feat that puts in the shade the +Music-hall trick of riding up an inclined plane of rope on a bicycle. +Mr. BOYCE does not say what he came down upon. Probably his back. + + * * * * * + +We hear from Munich that underneath the motto, _Suprema lex regis +voluntas_, written in the Visitors' Book by the Emperor of GERMANY, +there now appears the following line--_Rex est major singulis, minor +universis_. Herr HITHERCLIFT, the well-known German authority, having +made a careful examination of the page, states his opinion that the +handwriting is that of Prince BISMARCK, or is an excellent imitation. + + * * * * * + +A WARLIKE TALE FROM THE PACIFIC. + +(_FRAGMENT FROM THE POSSIBLE DIARY OF A REALISTIC NOVELIST._) + +Well, now I think I have got matters pretty straight. The question is, +whether the Baron will accept my last message as chaff, or resent it. +Let me see, how does it read--"It is suggested, for the President's +consideration, that rumours uncorrected or unexplained acquire almost +the force of admitted truth." Quite so--so they do. Let me see--"That +any want of confidence between the governed and the Government must be +hurtful"--well, to us both. Yes! That's all right. So it will! Lastly, +"That the rumours, in their present form, tend to damage the white +races in the native mind, and to influence for the worse the manners +of the Samoans." Now, that _ought_ to fetch him! A wink is as good as +a nod to a blind pig! However, he is quite ass enough to do nothing! +Everybody saying that he is going to blow us all up, himself included! +Why it's enough to make the natives rise and kill every white man in +the place. Still, good idea for a story. + +_Later_. The idiot! Instead of promptly denying the facts, he says he +won't have anything to do with us, because "we care so little for the +correctness of the facts we deal with." We only asked for information. +Are we going to be blown into smithereens, or are we not? That's the +point, and he won't tell us! Wants to know what business it is of +ours? The situation is decidedly dramatic--but unpleasant! + +_Later Still_.--Have replied that "the matter very much concerns us." +Tell him, we wrote, not for protection, but for information. "Are we +going to be blown up, or are we not?" An answer will oblige. + +_A Little Later_.--No, he is not to be drawn. Won't swerve an inch. +So now we are trying another dodge. Will he resign his dual office? +He says he will resign one. But he knows that won't do. If he remains +chief adviser to the King, we shall be nowhere. His last idea is to +resign the Presidentship of the Municipal Council. Why, we are the +Council, and we should have kicked him out if he hadn't! Very funny, +but it's hard to laugh when one's within an ace of a massacre or an +explosion. + +_Latest_.--Still in doubt. However, have a subject for something +in the dramatic line. What the entertainment will be, depends upon +the future development of the plot. At present it may turn out a +Tragedy--or an _Opera-bouffe_. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +101, November 28, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14123.txt or 14123.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/1/2/14123/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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