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diff --git a/14122-0.txt b/14122-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..2fc560b --- /dev/null +++ b/14122-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1302 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14122 *** + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 101. + + + +December 5, 1891. + + + + +QUITE FABULOUS! + +(_A STORY OF THE TIMES, DEDICATED TO PROFESSOR MUNRO._) + +KING COLE, although described as a "merry old soul," was in reality +a tyrant. He had a number of subjects who used to work underground, +and their labour was to bring to the surface the black diamonds of +the earth. It was not altogether a pleasant occupation, but still, +the task had to be accomplished. His Majesty was fond of ferocious +practical jokes, and perchance this may have been the origin of +the jocular description attached to his name. One day, some of his +subjects complained that their hours of labour were too many. + +"How long do you work?" asked the King. + +"May it please you, Sire, sixteen," was the reply. + +"Try what you can do with twelve," and they were about to depart +rejoicing, when the Monarch called them back and added, "But mind you, +I shall expect just as many black diamonds to be unearthed as before." + +So the King's subjects worked only twelve hours, and strange to say, +quite as many black diamonds were produced as in the olden days. Then +the workmen began to grumble once more, and the King again interviewed +them. + +"Do you still work twelve hours?" he asked the deputation. + +"Certainly, Your Majesty; but we think half would be quite enough," +returned the spokesman. + +"By all means--why not make it three hours?" and again his subjects +were departing, rejoicing, when once more he added, "But I shall +expect just the same output as before." + +And he got it, for the men worked harder than ever. And then they +came yet again to him. Once more they considered the hours of labour +excessive. They thought sixty minutes plenty. + +"So do I," replied the Monarch, "not only plenty, but too many. But +as it is scarcely worth while employing you only half an hour a day, +I shall make other arrangements." + +And from that time forth he brought up his black diamonds from the +centre of the earth by machinery! + + * * * * * + +NOT "HALF A CHAP."--A well-known Clergyman, who "does nothing by +halves." i.e., Dean HOLE. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "WHEN A MAN DOES NOT LOOK HIS BEST."--NO. 4. + +WHEN HE JUST BEGINS TO REALISE WHAT A SUFFERING HE WOULD HAVE SAVED +HIMSELF, IF HE HAD ONLY HAD THE _COURAGE_ TO SAY "_MEDIUM_" INSTEAD OF +"HARD."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration: The Baron's Retainers, Mesdames Blythe and Gay, giving +him the results of their readings.] + +In the Christmas Numbers of the numerous picture-papers it is at first +rather difficult to discover which is the genuine article illustrated, +and which the advertisement, likewise illustrated. In the outside +picture of the Christmas Number of _The Penny Illustrated Paper_, +which represents a couple dancing together, I am not yet quite sure +that the handsome Hebraic gentleman, dancing with a fair Anglo-Saxon +girl, is not assuring his frightened-looking partner that "Epps's +Cocoa is Grateful--Comforting," as stated in the paragraph immediately +beneath the aforesaid picture. On the next page is a sad illustration +entitled, "The Curse of Revenge. Lost to Human Aid." which turns out +to be not a Christmas story at all, but an advertisement for Fruit +Salt. Then opposite this commences a story by GEORGE R. SIMS; and at +the foot of this page some one replies, "Mr. DOOLAN! There's no one +of that name here now, Sir." Whereupon, being interested, the reader +turns over page 1 to find at the head of page 2, not the continuation +of the above interesting story in the shape of some remark on the part +of the inquirer, nor any account of what happened after this reply +had been given, but simply "Benson's Watches" followed by "Fry's +Chocolate," then a picture (not an advertisement) facing that, and +then on page 4 the remainder of the dialogue. It doesn't much matter +perhaps, as the excitement aroused by the story is not violent, and +the mistake of giving somebody else's card for your own does not occur +here for the first time as the motive of a plot. CUTHBERT BEDE's name +is to a "Christmas Carol," and Mr. JOHN LATEY's to a dramatically told +tale called "Mark Temple's Trial," in which the imaginary heroine +pays a visit to a very real person of the name of Madame KATTI +LANNER, whose pupils are represented as all assembled, with bouquets +and posies, to do honour to the birthday of their "well-loved +mistress," who is at the same time, "the acknowledged mistress of the +choreographic art." In this story, the author is to be complimented +on his invention of the name, "Lord Morgagemore" as an ancient looking +and highly aristocratic Irish title. + +"Up to any game at Christmas, if it's not too high," says the Baron +of Hampershire, who detests all game that is lofty, but is glad to +welcome a Shakspearian Revival by MYERS & Co. in the shape of a _Nine +Men's Morris_, a title the Baron recommends to the notice of Mr. +WILLIAM MORRIS, yclept "BILLY," when he is making another bouquet of +poesies. By the way, BIM BROS.' Almanac Cards, one of the Baron's +Lady Helps describes as "decidedly dainty." Christmas is specially a +card-playing season, a time of _Pax_ to everybody. + +From the _Gordon Stables_ of HUTCHINSON & Co. issues the nightmare +tale of _The Cruise in the Crystal Boat_; when finished, try their +_Family Difficulty_, by SARAH DOUDNEY. Send to the Deanery of DEAN AND +SON, ask for _Baby's Biography_ and _The Little One's Own Beehive_. +The Spindleside department of the Baron's Booking-Office recommends +both the above for the Tiny Trots; while the Spearside tells the +boys to go in for MANVILLE FENN's _Burr Junior_ and Mrs. R. LEE's +_Adventures in Australia_. Then for all-comers, procure BEATRICE +HARRADEN's _New Book of Fairies_, for, our "Co." thus puts it, "This +is all concerning those poor little Fairies, about whom no one takes +any trouble, and who are left out in the cold at Christmas time." +Thus for this week conclude the duties of Mesdames BLYTHE and GAY, +the Baron's Lady Assistant Perusers. "I trust my gentle Public will +benefit by their advice," quoth, + +Theirs truly, + +THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +"NOW YOU'RE QUITE THE GENTLEMAN!" + +(_A BALLAD OF BIRMINGHAM._) + + ["You will not find an alliance in which the weaker side has + been so loyal, so straight, so single-hearted, so patriotic + as the Liberal Unionists have been during the last five + years.... Birmingham is the centre, the consecration of this + alliance."--_Lord Salisbury at Birmingham._ + + "Now I neither look for nor desire reunion" (with the + Gladstonian Liberals.)--_Mr. Chamberlain at Birmingham._] + +[Illustration] + +AIR--"_YE GENTLEMEN OF ENGLAND_."[1] + + Ye Gentlemen of England, + Who follow SALIS-BU-RY, + How little did you count upon + Assistance from J.C.! + Give ear unto his speeches old, + And they will plainly show + Once he'd scorn to be borne + Where the Tory breezes blow, + Where the Lilies and Primroses bloom, + And the Tory zephyrs blow. + + If once he did oppose you, + To-day he is at war + With GLADSTONE and his Items. + Faith, JOE has travelled far! + The Primrose Dames shall teach him + True patriot "form" to know. + He is leal, and will kneel + To the "Lilies" in fair row; + To the pretty, winsome Primrose girls, + Who buttonhole Brum JOE. + + Ye Gentlemen of England, + Whom once he did deride, + How safe ye are, and how serene, + With JOSEPH on your side. + He talks no more of "Ransom" + ('Tis P-e-n-s-i-o-n rather now), + Brum JOE will not go + Where the Hawarden winds do blow; + Where HARCOURT thunders loud and long, + And Gladstonians blare and blow. + + The Orchid from his button + JOE's willing to displace, + To take the Primrose posy + That's proffered by Her Grace. + O gentle dame and dainty, + What man could answer "No!" + As you prest to his breast + The most blessed flowers that blow, + The blossoms loved by BEACONSFIELD + The bravest blooms that blow? + + O (Brummagem) Tory Beauty, + 'Tis yours to consecrate + The holiest Alliance + Our land hath seen of late. + Shall he reject its symbol, + Or answer "Not for JOE!"? + Nay, sweet girl, such a churl + Were no "Gentleman" you know; + And JOE is "quite the Gentleman," + Brum BRUMMEL in full blow! + + Then courage, all brave Unionists, + And never be afraid + Whilst Brummagem Republican + Is witched by Primrose Maid. + There is soft fascination + In radiant rank, we know; + And a posy, though primrosy, + From soft hands makes soft hearts glow, + Lilies--though they toil not nor spin + Are beauteous--in full blow! + +[Footnote 1: Mr. CHAMBERLAIN was once reported to have congratulated +himself upon his co-operation with "English Gentlemen."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Chappie_ (_after missing his fourth Stag, explains_). +"AW--FACT IS, THE--AW--WAVING GRASS WAS IN MY WAY." + +_Old Stalker._ "HOOT, MON, WAD YE HAE ME BEING OUT A SCYTHE?"] + + * * * * * + +LORD LYTTON. + +BORN NOV. 8, 1831. DIED NOV. 24, 1891. + + Were clever wise, were grandiose great, + How many a servant of the State + Had left a more enduring name. + But all is not for all; 'tis far + From flaming meteor to fixed star, + From notoriety to fame. + + Picturesque son of brilliant sire, + It wanted but the touch of fire + Prometheus only knows to bring + The flame divine in him to wake + Who moved our plaudits when he spake, + But stirred no passion when he'd sing. + + The Orient pageantry he loved, + The histrio not the hero moved, + The _dilettante_ not the sage. + Hence in our England's East his hand + Turned, in a story sternly grand, + A motley mock-heroic page. + + He by the Seine found fitter place + For courtly wit and modish grace, + Than by the Indus. There right well + His facile talent served his Chief; + And England hears with genuine grief + That sudden-sounding passing bell. + + * * * * * + +NEW NAME. + + Who prizes Literature? All sorts and sizes + Of literary wares now hang on "prizes." + 'Tis not prose fictionists or poem-spinners + The public rush for; no, 'tis "all the winners!" + Letters in lotteries find support most sure-- + Let us be frank, and call them _Lottery_ture! + + * * * * * + +SUITOR RESARTUS. + +_A SENTIMENTAL DILEMMA._ + +[Illustration] + + How can I woo you in this ancient suit? + You do not notice it, of course; I know it. + My soul is burdened with a shapeless boot, + Your heart is singing welcome to your poet. + Here in the shadowy settle I can sit + And sparkle with you, brightly confidential, + But when into the lamp-bright zone you flit, + I shrink into some corner penitential. + A well-dressed crowd, their tailors all unpaid, + Throng round you there, and cuffs and collars glisten; + Of pity's blindness, as of scorn, afraid, + I shun the merry fray, and darkling listen, + For who could urge the timidest of suits, + Conscious of such indifferent clothes and boots? + + You think me quite as good as other men; + Nay, more, I think you think me vastly better; + Your candid glances seem to ask me when + I'll seek to bind you in a willing fetter. + Is this presumption? Not from friend to friend, + Whose souls unite like clasping hands of lovers; + Yet can I breathe no word of love, to end + The delicate doubt that o'er the unspoken hovers. + If I were hopeless that you loved me not, + My hopeless love, confess'd, myself would flatter, + But should the blissful dream be true, I wot + That love confess'd the joy of love would shatter. + My Queen, indeed as king I'd love to lord it; + I cannot tell you that I can't afford it. + + * * * * * + +POSSIBLE EXPLANATION:--"For many months nothing has been heard of +Lieutenant IVANITCH," was the remark of our leading journal _à propos_ +of Russian disappearances. Is it not probable that IVANITCH, unable to +find a post to suit him, has gone on tour with a "scratch company"? + + * * * * * + +THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS. + +NO XVII. + + SCENE--_Under the Colonnade of the Hôtel Grande Bretagne, + Bellagio. CULCHARD is sitting by one of the pillars, engaged + in constructing a sonnet. On a neighbouring seat a group of + smart people are talking over their acquaintances, and near + them is another visitor, a Mr. CRAWLEY STRUTT, who is + watching his opportunity to strike into the conversation._ + +_Mrs. Hurlingham._ Well, she'll _be_ Lady CHESEPARE some day, when +anything happens to the old Earl. He was looking quite ghastly when we +were down at SKYMPINGS last. But they're frightfully badly off _now_, +poor dears! Lady DRIBLETT lets them have her house in Park Lane for +parties and that--but it's wonderful how they live at all! + +[Illustration: "I don't know if you're acquainted with a paper called +the _Penny Patrician_?"] + +_Colonel Sandown._ He looked pretty fit at the Rag the other day. Come +across the SENLACS anywhere? Thought Lady SENLAC was going abroad this +year. + +_Mr. Crawley Strutt._ Hem--I saw it mentioned in the _Penny Patrician_ +that her Ladyship had-- + +_Mrs. Hurl._ (_without taking the slightest notice of him_). She's +just been marryin' her daughter, you know--rather a good match, too. +Not what I call pretty,--smart-lookin', that's all. But then her +_sister_ wasn't pretty till she married. + +_Col. Sand._ Nice family she married into! Met her father-in-law, old +Lord BLETHERHAM, the other morning, at a chemist's in Piccadilly--he'd +dropped in there for a pick-me-up; and there he was, tellin' chemist +all the troubles he'd had with his other sons marryin' the way they +did, and that. Rum man to go and confide in his chemist, but he's like +that--fond of the vine! + +_Mr. C.S._ Er--er--it's becoming a very serious thing, Sir, the way +our aristocracy is deteriorating, is it not? + +_Col. S._ Is it? What have they been up to now, eh? Haven't seen a +paper for days. + +_Mr. C.S._ I mean these mixed marriages, and, well, their general +goings on, I don't know if you're acquainted with a paper called the +_Penny Patrician_? I take it in regularly, and I assure _you_--loyal +supporter of our old hereditary institutions as I am--some of the +revelations I read about in high life make me blush--yes, downright +_blush_ for them! [_Mrs. HURLINGHAM retires._ + +_Col. S._ Do they, though? If I were you I should let 'em do their own +blushin', and save my pennies. + +_Mr. C.S._ (_deferentially_). No doubt you're right, Sir, but I _like_ +the _Patrician_ myself--it's very smartly written. Talking of that, +do you happen to know the ins and outs of that marriage of young Lord +GOSLINGTON's? Something very mysterious about the party he's going to +marry--who _are_ her people now? + +_Col. S._ Can't say, I'm sure--no business of mine, you know. + +_Mr. C.S._ There I venture to think you're wrong, Sir. It's the +business of everybody--the _duty_, I may say--to see that the best +blood of the nation is not--(_Col. S. turns into the hotel; Mr. C.S. +sits down near CULCH._)--Remarkably superior set of visitors staying +here, Sir! My chief objection to travel always is, that it brings +you in contact with parties you wouldn't think of associating with at +home. I was making that same remark to a very pleasant little fellow +I met on the steamer--er--Lord UPPERSOLE, I think it was--and he +entirely concurred. Your friend made us acquainted.--(_PODBURY comes +out of the hotel._)--Ah, here _is_ your friend.--(_To PODB._)--Seen +his Lordship about lately, Sir?--Lord UPPERSOLE, I _mean_, of course! + +_Podb._ UPPERSOLE? No--he's over at Cadenabbia, I believe. + +_Mr. C.S._ A highly agreeable spot to stay at. Indeed, I've some idea +myself of--Exceedingly pleasant person his Lordship--so affable, so +completely the gentleman! + +_Podb._ Oh, he's affable enough--for a boot-maker. I always give him a +title when I see him, for the joke of the thing--he likes it. + +_Mr. C.S._ He _may_, Sir. I consider a title is not a thing to be +treated in that light manner. It--it was an unpardonable liberty to +force me into the society of that class of person--unpardonable, Sir! + + [_He goes._ + +_Podb._ Didn't take much _forcing_, after he once heard me call him +"Lord UPPERSOLE"! Where are all the others, eh? Thought we were going +up to the Villa Serbelloni this afternoon. + +_Culch._ I--er--have not been consulted. Are they--er--_all_ going? + + [_With a shade of anxiety._ + +_Podb._ I believe so. You needn't be afraid, you know. HYPATIA won't +have the chance of ragging you now--she and Miss TROTTER have had a +bit of a breeze. + +_Culch._ I rather gathered as much. I think I could guess the-- + +_Podb._ Yes, HYPATIA's rather uneasy about poor old BOB; thinks Miss +TROTTER is--well, carrying on, you know. She is no end of a little +flirt--_you_ know that well enough!--(_C. disclaims impatiently._) +Here you all are, eh?--(_To Miss P., Miss T., and BOB._)--Well, who +knows the way up to the villa? + +_Miss T._ It's through the town, and up some steps by the church--you +cann't miss it. But Mr. PRENDERGAST is going to show me a short cut up +behind the hotel--aren't you, Mr. PRENDERGAST? + +_Miss P._ (_icily_). I really think, dear, it would be better if we +all kept together--for so _many_ reasons! + +_Culch._ (_with alacrity_). I agree with Miss PRENDERGAST. A short cut +is invariably the most indirect route. + +_Miss P._ (_with intention_). You hear what Mr. CULCHARD says, my dear +MAUD? He advocates direct ways, as best in the long run. + +_Miss T._ It's only going to be a short run, my love. But I'm vurry +glad to observe that you and Mr. CULCHARD are so perfectly harmonious, +as I'm leaving him on your hands for a spell. Aren't you ever coming, +Mr. PRENDERGAST? + + [_She leads him off, a not unwilling captive._ + +_A PATH IN THE GROUNDS OF THE VILLA SERBELLONI._ + +_Podb._ (_considerately, to CULCHARD, who is following Miss +PRENDERGAST and him, in acute misery_). Look here, old fellow, Miss +PRENDERGAST would like to sit down, I know; so don't you bother about +keeping with us if you'd rather _not_, you know! + + [_CULCHARD murmurs an inarticulate protest._ + +_Miss P._ Surely, Mr. PODBURY, you are aware by this time that Mr. +CULCHARD has a perfect mania for self-sacrifice! + + [_CULCHARD drops behind, crushed._ + +_AMONG THE RUINS AT THE TOP OF THE HILL._ + +_Culch._ (_who has managed to overtake Miss T. and her companion_). +Now _do_ oblige me by looking through that gap in the pines towards +Lecco. I particularly wish you to observe the effect of light on those +cliffs--it's well worth your while. + +_Miss T._ Why, certainly, it's a view that does you infinite credit. +Oh, you _didn't_ take any hand in the arrangement? But ain't you +afraid if you go around patting the scenery on the head this way, +you'll have the lake overflow? + +_Bob. P._ Ha-ha-ha! One in the eye for _you_, CULCHARD! + +_Culch._ (_with dignity_). Surely one may express a natural enthusiasm +without laying oneself open--? + +_Miss T._ Gracious, yes! I should hope you wouldn't want to show your +enthusiasm _that_ way--like a Japanese nobleman! + +_Culch._ (_to himself_). Now that's coarse--_really_ +coarse!--(_Aloud._)--I seem to be unable to open my mouth now without +some ridiculous distortion-- + +_Miss T._ My!--but that's a serious symptom--isn't it? You don't feel +like you were going to have lock-jaw, do you, Mr. CULCHARD? + + [_CULCHARD falls back to the rear once more. Later--Mr. + VAN BOODELER has joined the party; HYPATIA has contrived + to detach her brother, CULCHARD has sought refuge with + PODBURY._ + +_Miss T._ (_to VAN B._). So that's what kept you? "Well, it sounds +just too enchanting. But I cann't answer for what Miss PRENDERGAST +will say to it. It mayn't suit her notions of propriety. + +_Mr. Van B._ I expect she'll be superior to Britannic prejudices of +that kind. I consider your friend a highly cultivated and charming +lady, MAUD. She produces that impression upon me. + +_Miss T._ I presume, from that, she has shown an intelligent interest +in the great American novel? + +_Mr. Van B._ Why, yes; it enlists her literary sympathies--she sees +all its possibilities. + +_Miss T._ And they're pretty numerous, too. But here she comes. You'd +better tell her your plan right now. + +_Miss P._ (_in an earnest undertone to BOB, as they approach, +followed by CULCH. and BOB_). You _must_ try and be sensible about +it, BOB; if _you_ are too blind to see that she is only-- + +BOB (_sulkily_). All _right_! Haven't I _said_ I'd go? What's the good +of _jawing_ about it? + +_Mr. V.B._ (_to Miss P._) I've been telling my cousin I've been +organising a little water-party for this evening--moonlight, +mandolins, Menaggio. If you find that alliteration has any +attractions, I hope you and your brother will do me the pleasure of-- + +_Miss P._ I'm afraid not, thanks. We have all our packing to do. We +find we shall have to leave early to-morrow. + + [_Van B.'s face falls; BOB listens gloomily to_ Miss T.'s + rather perfunctory expressions of regret; PODBURY looks + anxious and undecided; CULCHARD does his best to control an + unseemly joy._ + + * * * * * + +THE GOOD NEW "TIMES." + +Nobody, after visiting Terry's Theatre, can apply to Mr. PINERO's +piece the hackneyed phrase,--used apologetically by an unconscionable +reader after detaining the leading journal for three-quarters of an +hour,--"Oh, there's nothing in _The Times_," for, in Mr. PINERO's +piece there is plenty of amusement, if not of absorbing interest. + +[Illustration] + +The story is that of a _parvenu_, whose sole object in life, to +be recognised by "Society," is thwarted by the marriage of his +good-for-nothing son with the daughter of an Irish lodging-house +keeper. The struggles of _Mr. and Mrs. Bompas_ to conceal this +_mésalliance_, and the assistance given them in their difficulties by +the _Hon. Montague Trimble_, constitute the motive of the play. But +the question that must occur to the critical mind is, "Did the author +mean this piece for high comedy, or farcical comedy?" If the former, +then Mr. TERRY is wrong in his conception of the part; if the latter, +everybody else is wrong in their conception of their parts. + +It seems to me as if, in the course of rehearsal, the peculiarities +distinguishing the character of _Percy Egerton Bompas, M.P._, had +gradually become assimilated with the individualities of the actor, +Mr. EDWARD TERRY. If Mr. PINERO so meant it, if he so wrote it for Mr. +TERRY and for Mr. TERRY only, then there is nothing more to be said; +Mr. PINERO's ideal is realised. But if the author did _not_ intend Mr. +TERRY's impersonation, then he must be content to sacrifice the ideal +to the real, shrug his shoulders, and pocket his profits. Yet, as if +making an appeal to the public to judge between the auctorial abstract +and the representational concrete, Mr. PINERO not only publishes his +playbook, but sells it in the theatre. Visitors to TERRY's, who buy +the book, will judge the play by its stage interpretation that has had +the advantage of the author's personal supervision and direction. The +representation, therefore, is either more or less in accordance with +his teaching, or flatly contradicts it. + +[Illustration: One of the Leaders in _The Times_.] + +The publication of the book of a comedy in a theatre may be thankfully +received as a present help to the audience, and an aid to memory +afterwards, or it may be considered as a protest on the part of the +author who says, "Here's what I have written. See how they act it: +whether it be farce or comedy, judge for yourselves. You pay your +money, and you take your choice." Suffice it, then, to record that, on +the night of this deponent's visit, the piece played from eight till +past eleven, and that the audience from first to last was generally +amused, but, I should be inclined to say, particularly disappointed +at the collapse of Mr. TERRY's part in the last Act (the principal +portion of which he passes curled up on a sofa, with the top of +his forehead powdered white! Why?), and mystified by the sudden and +apparently unnecessary revelation, made by _Miss Cazalet_, to the +effect that _Lucy Tuck_ (a mentally and physically short-sighted girl) +is her illegitimate daughter; and these two last-named personages, +though essential to the plot, fail unfortunately in rousing any +sentiment of pity or of sympathy. + +Mr. ELLIOT is excellent as the _Hon. Montague Trimble_; nothing +better, apart from Mr. HARE's eccentric characters, has been seen on +the stage for some considerable time. I hope the author is of the same +opinion. Mr. FRED THORNE is capital as the Irish Member; and as _Mrs. +Hooley_, an obtrusively Irish eccentricity of Thackerayan extraction, +Miss ALEXES LEIGHTON is very good, for the character, as drawn by +the author, _is_ obtrusive, and is so meant to be. The _Mrs. Egerton +Bompas_ of Miss FANNY BROUGH is _the_ woman to the life, and, in my +humble judgment, Miss BROUGH's impersonation is well-nigh faultless. +Whether, if the part of _Egerton Bompas_ were played as high comedy, +this would still improve Miss BROUGH's impersonation of _Mrs. Bompas_ +or not, it is difficult to decide; but I am inclined to think this +would be the result. What does the author think? Most likely he will +continue to "think"; it is the wiser course. Mr. HENRY V. ESMOND makes +the lad, _Howard Bompas_, unnecessarily repulsive; but if, in doing +so, he is only exactly carrying out the author's idea, i.e., "Master's +orders," then he is no longer responsible for the overcharged +colouring. The probable fate of this unhappy pair, an impulsive +uneducated kind of Irish orange-girl married to a contemptible +young sot, is not a pleasant termination to the story, nor is the +anticipatory sadness felt for the future of this ill-assorted couple +in any way dissipated by the stereotyped and perfunctory offer of +marriage made by the young London Journal Nobleman to the daughter of +the utterly crushed snob just before the Curtain descends. + +Why the piece is called _The Times_, remains a mystery. _To-day_ +would have been better; that is, if by _The Times_ is only meant "The +Present Day." And if it doesn't mean this, what meaning has it? For +alliterative advertisement it may be useful; e.g., "Times at TERRY's." +The dialogue generally is easy, natural and telling. + +Yours, + +PRIVATE BOX. + + * * * * * + +FOLLOW THE BARON! + + ["Such characters as he should retire into fiction, they + are too exaggerated for real life."--_"Times" on Mr. R.L. + Stevenson's Sad Maron of Samou._] + + Oh, most excellent true! How I thank thee, great _Times_, + For teaching that phrase! 'Tis delicious! + Fiction! The haunt of mad follies, crass crimes, + Fads futile, and tastes meretricious. + Oh, joy, to transport to that Limbo of Fools, + Upon trial and honest conviction, + The plagues of our Parties, our Churches, our Schools, + Who ought to "retire into Fiction." + + When WINDYWHAME, M.P., goes spouting about, + His flatulent madness and malice; + When SLUDGE, after years of dogmatical doubt, + Finds Faith's Wonderland worthy of _Alice_; + When POPINJAY airs his effeminate Art, + And DOBBS sputters dirt in choice diction, + Ye gods, there'd be joy in Church, Forum, and Mart, + If the fools would "retire into Fiction." + + Pragmatical pietists, sceptics obtuse + Who Progress impede with crude cackle, + Predestinate duffers of prattle profuse, + Who the biggest world-problems would tackle; + State-quacks, shouting Emperors, queer School-Board cranks, + We'll give you our best benediction, + And speed you at parting with heartiest thanks, + If you'll only--"retire into Fiction!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: EMANCIPATION. + +_Young Bride of Three Hours' standing_ (_just starting on her Wedding +Trip_).--"OH, EDWIN DEAR! HERE'S '_TOM JONES_.' PAPA TOLD ME I WASN'T +TO READ IT TILL I WAS MARRIED! THE DAY HAS COME ... AT LAST! BUY IT +FOR ME, EDWIN DEAR."] + + * * * * * + +ARMING THE AMAZONS. + +(_MODERN BRUMMAGEM VERSION._) + + [At the meeting (at Birmingham) of the National Union of + Conservative and Constitutional Associations, a resolution in + favour of "considering the claims of women to be admitted to + the franchise when entitled by ownership or occupation," was + carried "by an overwhelming majority, amid loud cheers." + Mrs. FAWCETT afterwards said, "What new forces were they (the + Conservative Party) prepared to bring against the anarchy, + socialism and revolution which were arrayed against them? + The granting of women's suffrage would be against the + disintegrating power of the other side, as women were + everywhere anti-revolutionary forces.... This would add + about 800,000 to the electorate. They would be, she believed, + middle-aged women of property, than whom she thought they + could not assemble more anti-revolutionary forces."] + +_Trojan Leader loquitur_:-- + + To arm the Amazons against the Greeks, + OVIDIUS hints, proud manhood galls and piques. + No doubt; yet NASO did it in his day, + And we, in ours, who, sorely-pressed, would stay + The rising tide of Revolution, check + Disintegration, of the claws who'd peck + At our political sleeves and platform hearts + Must not be frightened. + "Rummiest of starts," + The ribald Cockney cries; to see at length, + "The Tory seeking to recruit his strength + Prom those he dubbed, in earlier, scornfuller mood + The crowing hens, the shrieking sisterhood!" + Shade of sardonic SMOLLETT, haunt no more + St. Stephen's precincts; list not to the roar + Of the mad Midland cheers, when FEILDING's plan + Of levelling (moneyed) Woman up to Man + Wins "Constitutional" support and votes + From a "majority" of Tory throats! + Mrs. LYNN LINTON, how this vote must vex, + That caustic censor of her own sweet sex! + Wild Women--_with_ the Suffrage! Fancy that, + O fluent Lady, at tart nick-names pat! + Girls of the Period? They were bad enough, + But what a deal of skimble-skamble stuff + Will Mrs. FAWCETT's Middle-aged Ones talk + When these eight hundred thousand _hens_ o' the walk + Cackle for Order, Purity, and Peace!!! + + Partlets _may_ save our Capitol, as geese + Once did the Roman; nigh a million--JUNOS, + Roll back the tide of Revolution. Who knows? + Not PRIAM-SALISBURY. Does _he_ look askance + At the new Amazonian Queen's advance? + Does he hide apprehension with a smile? + The Amazons are used to Grecian guile; + ACHILLES-GLADSTONE sorely they mistrust. + Which side will give them more than fain it must? + To-day the Trojans show the friendlier front + PENTHESILEA, whom the Greeks would shunt, + Proffers her aid to Tory Troy, to keep + High Ilium against the foes who creep + Nearer and nearer to its sacred walls. + ACHILLES o'er the trenches loudly calls, + In menace fierce, thrasonic in his boast, + His Myrmidons, a mad and motley host, + Mean boundless mischief, the Palladium's gone + If they are not repulsed. It _must_ be done, + Come what, come will. PRIAM has trimmed his sails + To popular winds until the pilot fails + To know the old and carefully charted course. + His wisdom, and brave ARTHUR-HECTOR's force, + May yet prove vain if no auxiliar hand + Help yon Anarchic legions to withstand. + The Amazonian host? Aha! Well hit! + Scruple to take she-helping? Not a bit + Too late for proud punctilio. No, this Queen + Is not so lovely, of such royal mien, + As hers who witched ACHILLES e'en in death. + An elderly Amazon of shortish breath, + With gingham huge and gig-lamps, though she hold + That "Property" buckler broad and bossed with gold + Is scarce a Siren--of the ancient style; + More of Minerva's frown than Venus' smile! + But then, eight hundred thousand!!! There's the rub. + Recruited from the Platform and the Tub, + With Middle-aged and Propertied Amazons, + Ilium may master e'en the Myrmidons. + Come, anti-revolutionaries, come! + Strike Anarchy dead, and Socialism dumb! + Accept new arms, ye maiden cohorts! Take + The weapon that shall make ACHILLES shake, + And reinforce, against the wiles of Greece, + The powers of Property, Privilege, and Peace! + + * * * * * + +OPTIMISM. + + "All's for the best," smirks fatuous DIVES. He + _Means_, "I'm the best, and therefore all's for _me_." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ARMING THE AMAZONS. + + PRIAM (_loquitur_). "ACCEPT NEW ARMS, YE MAIDEN COHORTS! TAKE + THE WEAPON THAT SHALL MAKE ACHILLES SHAKE, + AND REINFORCE, AGAINST THE WILES OF GREECE, + THE POWERS OF PROPERTY, PRIVILEGE, AND PEACE!"] + + * * * * * + +ONLY FANCY! + +We understand that Mr. GLADSTONE has followed, with much interest, the +speeches delivered in the country last week, and was observed to be +visibly affected at the touching spectacle of the final reconciliation +of Lord SALISBURY and Mr. CHAMBERLAIN at Birmingham. "They toil +not, neither do they spin," he said, furtively wiping away a tear; +"nevertheless, they seem made for each other's company." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "A Fantasy of Disordered Imagination."] + +The Right Hon. Gentleman will take his turn next week, and a report +is current in interested quarters, that he as gone into training under +the personal direction of Sir WILLIAM HARCOURT and Mr. JOHN MORLEY, +who assist to support him whilst he rehearses his speech. This is +a fantasy of disordered imagination. Mr. G. is in splendid form, +spoiling for a fight. + + * * * * * + +A trustworthy Correspondent informs us that, owing to accidental +displacement of his notes, a telling point was omitted from Lord +SALISBURY's first speech at Birmingham. It was intended to come in +at the passage where the PREMIER boldly flouted apprehension, of +Ministerial disaster at the General Election. He had meant to cite Mr. +JACKSON's appointment as conclusive proof that the Government would +exist at least up to the year 1900. + +"SHAKSPEARE," he should have said, "has written, 'a tanner will last +you nine year,' and of course the duration of the Government will +be co-incidental with the prolongation of the term of our Financial +Secretary to the Treasury, withdrawn from commercial pursuits at +Leeds." + + * * * * * + +HERR VON DER BLOWITZOWN-TROMP has some interesting reminiscences of +the lamented Baron MAC HINERY. "When he was appointed Legate at the +Court of the Isle of Man," writes the great historian of our times, +"he dined with me in passing through Nanterre. It was the very day the +Marquis DE MOULIN had been elected Pompier. The other guests were, +His Excellency the CON OF CRIM TARTARY, Prince ALLEZ-VOUS-EN, His +Excellency the VICUNA of BRAZIL, the SANDWICH AMBASSADOR, the DOGE of +VENICE, and the Baron MUNCHAUSEN, who was a kind of amateur partner of +mine, in whom I had much confidence--I always left him with my day's +correspondence ready to be committed to paper. In the course of the +dinner a stupid _garçon_, handing the ice round, dropped a small piece +down the back of the neck of the DOGE of VENICE. With great presence +of mind Baron MUNCHAUSEN seized the poker (which fortunately happened +to be in the fire), and, with inimitable dexterity, passed the red-hot +brand between the DOGE's shirt-collar and his neck, and, deftly +touching the piece of ice, melted it. It was an awkward moment. The +canned lobster was just served, but no one thought of eating it. The +CON of CRIM TARTARY turning to Baron MAC HINERY, said,-- + +"You, my Lord, who are disinterested in this matter, tell us what you +think of it." + +"I think," replied the Baron, with admirable _sangfroid_, "his +Highness the DOGE would have felt better if the ice had been warmer, +and the poker cooler." + +Everybody laughed. The DOGE and Baron MUNCHAUSEN shook hands, and the +dinner ended gaily. + + * * * * * + +RYMOND, writing _lui-même_ with too infrequent pen, makes pathetic +reference to the death of "one of the largest and best known purveyors +of Rhine wine, with whom I have had business relations and personal +intercourse for nearly thirty years." There is, we need hardly say, +no basis for the insinuation thrown out by HENED that the business +relations referred to were of the commission order sometimes +established between purveyors of Rhine and other wines and gentlemen +who have a wide circle of friends. + + * * * * * + +THEORY AND PRACTICE. + + SCENE--_Interior of a First-class Railway Carriage. + Theoretical Passenger and Practical Passenger discussing the + "Unreadiness of England."_ + +_Theoretical Passenger_ (_at the conclusion of a long account of the +national shortcomings_). Yes, my dear Sir, France has only to declare +war to-morrow, and we are completely ruined! We cease to exist as a +nation! + +_Practical Passenger_ (_with a smile_). But hasn't this been said +about us--by ourselves--for any number of years? + +_Theo. Pas._ Doubtless, but that does not make it the less true. + +_Prac. Pas._ Possibly; still, it is encouraging to find that we _do_ +exist in spite of the "temptation to belong to other nations." + +_Theo. Pas._ (_annoyed_). Ah! you treat the matter with levity; but +I assure you it is a most serious thing! How would you like to be +bombarded? + +_Prac. Pas._ Not at all. The more especially as it would be a great +expense to the enemy. + +_Theo. Pas._ (_with dignified resentment_). I see you consider the +subject a proper topic for raillery! It is a very fine day! + +_Prac. Pas._ (_in a conciliatory tone_). No, no, I can assure you I am +deeply interested. But how about our Fleet--surely that should protect +us? + +_Theo. Pas._ You must be very much behind the age to say so. Our Fleet +is practically valueless. It is perfectly easy to invade us at a +dozen places. If the French went to Ireland (as they did in the last +century), the conquest of England would be assured. They would (with +the assistance of a friendly peasantry), get their supplies and make +good their footing. + +_Prac. Pas._ But how about our Army? + +_Theo. Pas._ A farce! An expensive farce. We have no Regulars, the +Militia exists only on paper, and the Volunteers are valueless. + +_Prac. Pas._ Then why not have a Conscription--that would bring up our +Army with a run? + +_Theo. Pas._ A Conscription! My dear Sir, the nation wouldn't think of +such a thing! No, not for a single moment! + +_Prac. Pas._ (_after a pause_). Well, what is to be done? + +_Theo. Pas._ (_promptly_). Nothing, except to write to the papers and +submit to our fate. + +_Prac. Pas._ Is there any objection to the construction of the Channel +Tunnel? + +_Theo. Pas._ (_carelessly_). None in the least--but why do you ask? + +_Prac. Pas._ Because, if in the case of war, the entire French nation +pours into England;--as you say it will? + +_Theo. Pas._ Certainly. + +_Prac. Pas._ The best thing we can do is to utilise the Tunnel, pour +into France, and stay there! It will be only changing sides! + + [_Conversation interrupted by whistle, and consequent rattle + and darkness._ + + * * * * * + +THE SPHINX AND THE STICK. + +_A SONG WHEREIN IS SUGGESTED A SUITABLE SUBJECT FOR AN IBSENITE +TRAGEDY._ + + [Sir JAMES CRICHTON-BROWNE thinks that "the reserve and + suppression of emotional movement which is observed in + English people" will probably result in all the women becoming + sphinxes, and all the men sticks.] + + "Oh! do wag your head!" said the Sphinx to the Stick. + "I _can't_," he replied, "or I would, darling, quick! + If you'll only indulge in a shrug and some winks, + You'll perhaps set _me_ off," said the Stick to the Sphinx. + "Nay, long 'inhibition,'" the Sphinx made reply, + "Has imparted rigidity, love, to my eye." + "'Emotional movement' no longer is mine," + Sighed the Stick to the Sphinx; "though I greatly incline + To a dig in your ribs, or a slap on your back + (As a sign of my love), all my muscles are slack. + My poor 'motor-centres' are all out of gear, + And I can't even 'chuck' your soft chin, sweet, I fear. + I'm sure such a stolid inflexible 'stick' you'll hate, + But, though I adore you, I _cannot_ gesticulate--" + "My case is as bad," sighed the Sphinx to the Stick, + "For I cannot 'bridle'--no more than a brick." + Said the Stick to the Sphinx, "Ah, we once knew what love meant! + But, thanks to the loss of 'emotional movement,' + We can't give it 'graceful and chastened expression,' + And so it seems slipping fast out of possession. + Heigho! we had far better die, darling, quick! + Since you are a Sphinx, love, and I'm but a Stick!" + + * * * * * + +VERY LIKELY--JUST NOW.--A place to spend a Quiet Sunday--Eastbourne. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MR. PUNCH ON TOUR IN YORKSHIRE.] + + * * * * * + +"ON THE HYP"-NOTIST. + +(_FRAGMENT FROM A ROMANCE PURELY IMAGINARY AND YET TO BE WRITTEN._) + +The _Savants_ were gathered together to consider the question of +Hypnotism. They had been appointed by a learned Association, and their +Hon. Secretary had distinguished himself by writing a letter, which if +eccentric in punctuation, was yet to the point. + +"We must not forget, Gentlemen," said one of the learned persons, +"that we have been appointed to investigate the use of Hypnotism as +a therapeutic agent. It will be our duty to ascertain, if it is +possible, that operations can be performed under the shield of its +anæsthesia." + +"You are indeed right," replied another, "and it is fortunate in one +sense that we have not had the advantage of greeting at our board, +Doctor OWEN COLEMAN of Dunedin, Surbiton." + +"Why so?" asked a third. + +"Because," returned _Savant_ No. 2, "that distinguished Member of the +Medical Profession can give instances of successful treatment under +the prescribed circumstances. For instance, JULES CLOQUET, as early +as 1845 was using Hypnotism in the cause of painless surgery. However, +our pleasant little gathering can do no harm." + +"Perhaps not," acquiesced _Savant_ No. 3. "Although it is only right +to remark that had we had Dr. COLEMAN's knowledge, we should have +possibly considered it _qua_ Committee a trifle superfluous." + +"Do you not think we ought to visit the Aquarium?" asked the first +speaker. "I am told that there is a Hypnotist who appears there twice +a-day, and whose exhibition, from a scientific point of view, should +be decidedly interesting." + +After this there was a speedy departure, and for some hours the +Committee lounged about the Aquarium, They there saw a female acrobat +of great strength. Then they paid a visit to the Alhambra, where they +met a pleasant young lady, who, seemingly without any assistance, +lifted four or five bulky gentlemen seated on a chair. This she did +without any exertion and with a smiling countenance. On their return +to their private room, they seemed somewhat hostile to the pretensions +of the Hypnotist, whose feats they had just witnessed--they preferred +to his performances the feats of the Magnetic Lady. + +[Illustration] + +"Quite a mistake," said one; "instead of taking off a leg, or showing +the strength of a billiard cue, he makes men believe that they are +swimming in a tank!" + +"Very undignified," remarked another; "it would have been so much +better had he performed a surgical operation--say, setting a compound +fracture of the leg, like that performed by two medical men in 1845; +and more interesting to the vast majority of the audience." + +"But the Alhambra was excellent," was the reply. "Suppose we send +to our Committee a Report of the 'Magnetic Lady' and ignore the +Hypnotist?" + +And so it was decided, and it was time to write their Report. Then +pens, ink, and paper were produced, and the _Savants_ prepared for +work. They had scarcely commenced, when a gentleman stood in their +midst, and glared at them. He gave them each a disc, and commanded +them to gaze upon its surface. Then, one by one, they fell over fast +asleep. He placed them back in their chairs. + +"Now for your Report," he murmured. "And so you would ignore _my_ +show and praise another! But you are in my power, and _shall_ obey +me! Write what I dictate!" And so they wrote. And, strange as it may +appear to non-believers in Hypnotism, the Report, when published, +was found to be an excellent advertisement for the Royal Westminster +Aquarium! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SENILE FELINE AMENITIES. + +"WELL, GOOD AFTERNOON--I'M GOING TO CALL ON MY MOTHER!" + +"WHAT! YOU DON'T MEAN TO SAY YOU'VE GOT A MOTHER _LIVING_?" + +"OH YES--AND SHE DON'T LOOK A BIT OLDER THAN _YOU_ DO--I ASSURE YOU!"] + + * * * * * + +OUR FINANCIAL COLUMN. + +_Orl Court, E.C.[2]_ + +I am preparing a big _coup_, and wish all my friends to be in it. My +friends are legion, it is true, but they may depend upon me to do the +best for all. Nothing on the gigantic scale I am now preparing has +been seen or heard of in the Financial World since the days of the +Flood, when NOAH's floating capital weathered the storm. What was +the stock worth when Father NOAH once again touched land? Expect the +biggest result ever known. I may be sanguine. I have the right to be +so. + +[Illustration] + +"PONY."--Yes. Buy A. and C.N.B.--Invest big cheque with yours truly. +The only safe and profitable investment. + +"D.A.H."--Don't you do it, or you'll be H.A.D. Send cheques here. +Strict account kept, and gains delivered in cash by special messenger. + +"A HESITATER."--Don't doubt for a moment. Sell everything right off, +and invest proceeds by cheque with your friend." + +"A.S.S."--The Dividend days of the "_Ex-Nihilo-Fit Loan and Insurance +Company_ are April 1, up to mid-day, and September 31. + +So much for some of the principal Correspondents who require an answer +in my weekly article. As for myself, I can only say that my motto is, +"_Confidentia Illimitata et Nulla Pecunia redditur_." Within the last +month the gross earnings of the office on behalf of my clients has +been £12,345,678,910 which compares favourably with the previous +month. Every penny of this, equal to 50 per cent. profit to every one +of my clients, will be distributed within a week with a handsome bonus +of twenty-five pounds to everyone sending in his coupon or cheque +for fifteen sovereigns by twelve o'clock next Tuesday, after which +hour it is impossible for any one, be he who he may, from Kaiser to +Chimney-sweeper, to participate in the enormous profit which will have +been honestly earned by + +Yours truly, + +CROESUS. + +[Footnote 2: N.B.--Note change of address.] + + * * * * * + +SHORTLY TO APPEAR.--_A Morning without Boots_, by the Author of _A +Knight without Spurs_. + + * * * * * + +POPULAR SONGS RE-SUNG; + +OR, MISS BOWDLER AT THE MUSIC HALLS. + +NO. III.--THE SPOOKS IN THE SQUARE. + +AIR--"_THE GOBLINS IN THE CHURCHYARD_." + + I went down to the Psychical Society one night, + And heard them talk of Spooks and things that filled me with affright. + The Psychical Society, as every member boasts, + Was founded with the object of investigating Ghosts! + Now Ghosts, the modern species, are of very various sorts, + For like some plants, as botanists say, they seem to run to "sports." + I used to think a spectre _was_ a spectre, but I find + The "Psychical" can furnish Spooks of every class and kind. + +_CHORUS._ + +[Illustration] + + Some of the Ghosts are little, some of the Ghosts are big, + Some come in the guise of a headless man, and some of a spectre pig. + Some of them laugh "Ha! ha!" Some of them wail "Heigho!" + And I felt that night in a doose of a fright before it was time to go. + + I had read _Phantasmagoria_ by that writer quaint but grand, + Who penned _The Hunting of the Snark_ and _Alice in Wonderland_. + And I thought I knew a thing or two, or might be even three, + About a Ghoul, and a Fay or Troll, and a Brownie or Banshee. + I knew that a Banshee always howled, whilst a Goblin might but yawn, + I also knew that a Poltergeist was _not_ a Leprechaun, + But the Psychicals, I'm bound to say, had me on "buttered toastes" + With the wonderful changes which they rang on the good old Churchyard + "Ghostes." + +_CHORUS._ + + Some of their Ghosts were sages, some of them seemed sheer noddies; + Some of the same like a "Wandering Flame," and others as "Astral + Bodies." + Some of theirs croaked "Ha! ha!" some of them chuckled "Ho! ho!" + And I got so sad, I was heartily glad when I found it was time to go. + + I dropped into the "Rose and Crown," a highly respectable tavern, + For Ghosts are dry, and my thirst was high, my throat like a chalky + cavern. + I didn't have much, only four of cold Scotch, which is good to moisten + chalk. + The night was fine, it was twelve twenty-nine, so I thought I might + just as well walk. + But when I entered Trafalgar Square, I heard a mysterious sound; + There was not even a Bobby in sight as I stole a glance around; + But seated on NELSON's lions four, and perched on the neighbouring + "posteses," + I saw, as we said in our Nursery Rhyme, a dozen or so of "Ghosteses"! + +_CHORUS._ + + Some of the Ghosts were short, some of the Ghosts were tall, + Some of them had most preposterous noddles, and some of them none at all, + They all gave a shrill "Ha! ha!" they all gave a hushed "Ho! ho!" + I turned in a fright and I wished 'em good night--but they would not let + me go! + + Then one of the Ghosts began to speak; down on my knees I sank, + "I am a Nobleman's Ghost," said he, "and mine offence is Rank! + I never cared for the Common Herd, the People I loved to crush; + My only remark on the Poor was 'Pooh!' my retort to the Toilers 'Tush!' + And if they dared to grumble, why, I used to raise my rents, + For I always held that the Mob were made to keep up the Cent-per-cents, + And now in this Square I hear BURNS's blare, see the Red Banner wave, + And Society swished by the Socialist; so I cannot rest in my grave." + +_CHORUS._ + + Another Ghost commenced. He said: "I was a great R.A. + (I remember the time when we used to meet in "the pepper-pots," over + the way), + My daubs were always hung on the line, for ourselves we used to judge, + Our sole Ideal conventional cant, our _technique_ broad brown smudge. + And now BURNE JONES's pictures _sell_!!!"--here he writhed with a + spectral twist-- + "And our 'broad brown smudge' gives way to the fudge cranks call + 'Impressionist.' + I've lost my head, as perhaps you mark--though I keep a ventriloquist + tongue. + What's the use of a head to an Artist Ghost, who has never a chance + to be hung?" + +_CHORUS_--SOME OF THE GHOSTS, &C. + + A Lawyer's Ghost wept on his post, and then began to state + That the Revolution of Sixty-eight--he meant of Six-_and_-eight-- + For the abolition of needless fees, and the stopping of useless jaw, + Had capped the murder of Privilege by the massacre of Law: + Order, this Spook went on to state, was the prey of police--less prank, + All the real jam of life was lost with the abolition of Rank. + Here he wept! Ah! _can_ there be a sight a pitiful breast to thrill + Like the Ghost of a Lawyer dropping a tear o'er the Ghost of a + Lawyer's Bill? + +_CHORUS_--SOME OF THE GHOSTS, &C. + + I woke. A pain possessed my head. The gathered Ghosts were gone, + And I lay there in Trafalgar Square, on a cold stone alone. + I seemed to hear a wailing cry, a whisper on the breeze, + Which said, in accents I well knew, "_Now then, Time, Gentlemen, + please_!" + It may have been the warning to recall those vagrant Ghosts + To ---- wheresoever they abide, poor pallid spectral hosts! + What it all meant I cannot tell, but this at least I know, + To that Psychical Society no more at night I'll go! + +_CHORUS._ + + Some of the Ghosts did goggle, some of the Spooks did stare, + But there they sat in a spectral row round "the Squirts" in Trafalgar + Square. + They all gave a loud "Ha! ha!" they all gave a loud "Ho! ho!" + And I turned and fled, and got home to bed as the rooster began to crow! + + * * * * * + +THE NAKED TRUTH.--Our old friend, Mrs. RAMSBOTHAM, was reading, the +other day, a letter in the _Times_ about "Electrical Tramways," when +she came upon a line stating that "two naked conductors" would be +used. Much shocked, she was about to look at something else in the +paper when she noticed that "one of the conductors was to be carried +on poles," and another to be "laid rigid between the rails!" Horrified +at this apparent brutality, the worthy lady has been writing letters +(in draft) to the Commissioner of Police ever since! + + * * * * * + +A FRIENDLY TIP TO THE FIGHTING FACTIONS. + + Recrimination is vexation, + Sedition is as bad; + Home Rule the-o-ry much puzzles J.B. + _Such_ practice proves _you_ mad! + + * * * * * + +A TIMELY SUGGESTION.--Commenting upon the exceptionally bad +case of the Rev. Mr. CLUTTERBUCK last week, the _Times_ asks if +something cannot be done to put down betting by turf-agencies, and +stock-exchange gambling per "bucket-shops." We regret our inability to +suggest an immediate remedy, but, as a warning and a reminder, let the +last-named institutions be called "Clutterbucket-shops." + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +101, December 5, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14122 *** |