diff options
| -rw-r--r-- | .gitattributes | 3 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14122-0.txt | 1302 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14122-h/14122-h.htm | 2089 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14122-h/images/265-1.png | bin | 0 -> 83723 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14122-h/images/265-2.png | bin | 0 -> 35237 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14122-h/images/266.png | bin | 0 -> 206099 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14122-h/images/267-1.png | bin | 0 -> 158680 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14122-h/images/267-2.png | bin | 0 -> 26098 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14122-h/images/268.png | bin | 0 -> 76202 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14122-h/images/269-1.png | bin | 0 -> 17212 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14122-h/images/269-2.png | bin | 0 -> 14255 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14122-h/images/270.png | bin | 0 -> 162167 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14122-h/images/271.png | bin | 0 -> 212693 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14122-h/images/273.png | bin | 0 -> 28446 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14122-h/images/274.png | bin | 0 -> 291558 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14122-h/images/275-1.png | bin | 0 -> 78320 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14122-h/images/275-2.png | bin | 0 -> 27729 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14122-h/images/275-3.png | bin | 0 -> 12219 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 14122-h/images/276.png | bin | 0 -> 43501 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | LICENSE.txt | 11 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | README.md | 2 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/14122-8.txt | 1691 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/14122-8.zip | bin | 0 -> 31841 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/14122-h.zip | bin | 0 -> 1511687 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/14122-h/14122-h.htm | 2504 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/14122-h/images/265-1.png | bin | 0 -> 83723 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/14122-h/images/265-2.png | bin | 0 -> 35237 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/14122-h/images/266.png | bin | 0 -> 206099 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/14122-h/images/267-1.png | bin | 0 -> 158680 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/14122-h/images/267-2.png | bin | 0 -> 26098 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/14122-h/images/268.png | bin | 0 -> 76202 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/14122-h/images/269-1.png | bin | 0 -> 17212 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/14122-h/images/269-2.png | bin | 0 -> 14255 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/14122-h/images/270.png | bin | 0 -> 162167 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/14122-h/images/271.png | bin | 0 -> 212693 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/14122-h/images/273.png | bin | 0 -> 28446 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/14122-h/images/274.png | bin | 0 -> 291558 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/14122-h/images/275-1.png | bin | 0 -> 78320 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/14122-h/images/275-2.png | bin | 0 -> 27729 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/14122-h/images/275-3.png | bin | 0 -> 12219 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/14122-h/images/276.png | bin | 0 -> 43501 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/14122.txt | 1691 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/14122.zip | bin | 0 -> 31813 bytes |
43 files changed, 9293 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/14122-0.txt b/14122-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..2fc560b --- /dev/null +++ b/14122-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1302 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14122 *** + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 101. + + + +December 5, 1891. + + + + +QUITE FABULOUS! + +(_A STORY OF THE TIMES, DEDICATED TO PROFESSOR MUNRO._) + +KING COLE, although described as a "merry old soul," was in reality +a tyrant. He had a number of subjects who used to work underground, +and their labour was to bring to the surface the black diamonds of +the earth. It was not altogether a pleasant occupation, but still, +the task had to be accomplished. His Majesty was fond of ferocious +practical jokes, and perchance this may have been the origin of +the jocular description attached to his name. One day, some of his +subjects complained that their hours of labour were too many. + +"How long do you work?" asked the King. + +"May it please you, Sire, sixteen," was the reply. + +"Try what you can do with twelve," and they were about to depart +rejoicing, when the Monarch called them back and added, "But mind you, +I shall expect just as many black diamonds to be unearthed as before." + +So the King's subjects worked only twelve hours, and strange to say, +quite as many black diamonds were produced as in the olden days. Then +the workmen began to grumble once more, and the King again interviewed +them. + +"Do you still work twelve hours?" he asked the deputation. + +"Certainly, Your Majesty; but we think half would be quite enough," +returned the spokesman. + +"By all means--why not make it three hours?" and again his subjects +were departing, rejoicing, when once more he added, "But I shall +expect just the same output as before." + +And he got it, for the men worked harder than ever. And then they +came yet again to him. Once more they considered the hours of labour +excessive. They thought sixty minutes plenty. + +"So do I," replied the Monarch, "not only plenty, but too many. But +as it is scarcely worth while employing you only half an hour a day, +I shall make other arrangements." + +And from that time forth he brought up his black diamonds from the +centre of the earth by machinery! + + * * * * * + +NOT "HALF A CHAP."--A well-known Clergyman, who "does nothing by +halves." i.e., Dean HOLE. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "WHEN A MAN DOES NOT LOOK HIS BEST."--NO. 4. + +WHEN HE JUST BEGINS TO REALISE WHAT A SUFFERING HE WOULD HAVE SAVED +HIMSELF, IF HE HAD ONLY HAD THE _COURAGE_ TO SAY "_MEDIUM_" INSTEAD OF +"HARD."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration: The Baron's Retainers, Mesdames Blythe and Gay, giving +him the results of their readings.] + +In the Christmas Numbers of the numerous picture-papers it is at first +rather difficult to discover which is the genuine article illustrated, +and which the advertisement, likewise illustrated. In the outside +picture of the Christmas Number of _The Penny Illustrated Paper_, +which represents a couple dancing together, I am not yet quite sure +that the handsome Hebraic gentleman, dancing with a fair Anglo-Saxon +girl, is not assuring his frightened-looking partner that "Epps's +Cocoa is Grateful--Comforting," as stated in the paragraph immediately +beneath the aforesaid picture. On the next page is a sad illustration +entitled, "The Curse of Revenge. Lost to Human Aid." which turns out +to be not a Christmas story at all, but an advertisement for Fruit +Salt. Then opposite this commences a story by GEORGE R. SIMS; and at +the foot of this page some one replies, "Mr. DOOLAN! There's no one +of that name here now, Sir." Whereupon, being interested, the reader +turns over page 1 to find at the head of page 2, not the continuation +of the above interesting story in the shape of some remark on the part +of the inquirer, nor any account of what happened after this reply +had been given, but simply "Benson's Watches" followed by "Fry's +Chocolate," then a picture (not an advertisement) facing that, and +then on page 4 the remainder of the dialogue. It doesn't much matter +perhaps, as the excitement aroused by the story is not violent, and +the mistake of giving somebody else's card for your own does not occur +here for the first time as the motive of a plot. CUTHBERT BEDE's name +is to a "Christmas Carol," and Mr. JOHN LATEY's to a dramatically told +tale called "Mark Temple's Trial," in which the imaginary heroine +pays a visit to a very real person of the name of Madame KATTI +LANNER, whose pupils are represented as all assembled, with bouquets +and posies, to do honour to the birthday of their "well-loved +mistress," who is at the same time, "the acknowledged mistress of the +choreographic art." In this story, the author is to be complimented +on his invention of the name, "Lord Morgagemore" as an ancient looking +and highly aristocratic Irish title. + +"Up to any game at Christmas, if it's not too high," says the Baron +of Hampershire, who detests all game that is lofty, but is glad to +welcome a Shakspearian Revival by MYERS & Co. in the shape of a _Nine +Men's Morris_, a title the Baron recommends to the notice of Mr. +WILLIAM MORRIS, yclept "BILLY," when he is making another bouquet of +poesies. By the way, BIM BROS.' Almanac Cards, one of the Baron's +Lady Helps describes as "decidedly dainty." Christmas is specially a +card-playing season, a time of _Pax_ to everybody. + +From the _Gordon Stables_ of HUTCHINSON & Co. issues the nightmare +tale of _The Cruise in the Crystal Boat_; when finished, try their +_Family Difficulty_, by SARAH DOUDNEY. Send to the Deanery of DEAN AND +SON, ask for _Baby's Biography_ and _The Little One's Own Beehive_. +The Spindleside department of the Baron's Booking-Office recommends +both the above for the Tiny Trots; while the Spearside tells the +boys to go in for MANVILLE FENN's _Burr Junior_ and Mrs. R. LEE's +_Adventures in Australia_. Then for all-comers, procure BEATRICE +HARRADEN's _New Book of Fairies_, for, our "Co." thus puts it, "This +is all concerning those poor little Fairies, about whom no one takes +any trouble, and who are left out in the cold at Christmas time." +Thus for this week conclude the duties of Mesdames BLYTHE and GAY, +the Baron's Lady Assistant Perusers. "I trust my gentle Public will +benefit by their advice," quoth, + +Theirs truly, + +THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +"NOW YOU'RE QUITE THE GENTLEMAN!" + +(_A BALLAD OF BIRMINGHAM._) + + ["You will not find an alliance in which the weaker side has + been so loyal, so straight, so single-hearted, so patriotic + as the Liberal Unionists have been during the last five + years.... Birmingham is the centre, the consecration of this + alliance."--_Lord Salisbury at Birmingham._ + + "Now I neither look for nor desire reunion" (with the + Gladstonian Liberals.)--_Mr. Chamberlain at Birmingham._] + +[Illustration] + +AIR--"_YE GENTLEMEN OF ENGLAND_."[1] + + Ye Gentlemen of England, + Who follow SALIS-BU-RY, + How little did you count upon + Assistance from J.C.! + Give ear unto his speeches old, + And they will plainly show + Once he'd scorn to be borne + Where the Tory breezes blow, + Where the Lilies and Primroses bloom, + And the Tory zephyrs blow. + + If once he did oppose you, + To-day he is at war + With GLADSTONE and his Items. + Faith, JOE has travelled far! + The Primrose Dames shall teach him + True patriot "form" to know. + He is leal, and will kneel + To the "Lilies" in fair row; + To the pretty, winsome Primrose girls, + Who buttonhole Brum JOE. + + Ye Gentlemen of England, + Whom once he did deride, + How safe ye are, and how serene, + With JOSEPH on your side. + He talks no more of "Ransom" + ('Tis P-e-n-s-i-o-n rather now), + Brum JOE will not go + Where the Hawarden winds do blow; + Where HARCOURT thunders loud and long, + And Gladstonians blare and blow. + + The Orchid from his button + JOE's willing to displace, + To take the Primrose posy + That's proffered by Her Grace. + O gentle dame and dainty, + What man could answer "No!" + As you prest to his breast + The most blessed flowers that blow, + The blossoms loved by BEACONSFIELD + The bravest blooms that blow? + + O (Brummagem) Tory Beauty, + 'Tis yours to consecrate + The holiest Alliance + Our land hath seen of late. + Shall he reject its symbol, + Or answer "Not for JOE!"? + Nay, sweet girl, such a churl + Were no "Gentleman" you know; + And JOE is "quite the Gentleman," + Brum BRUMMEL in full blow! + + Then courage, all brave Unionists, + And never be afraid + Whilst Brummagem Republican + Is witched by Primrose Maid. + There is soft fascination + In radiant rank, we know; + And a posy, though primrosy, + From soft hands makes soft hearts glow, + Lilies--though they toil not nor spin + Are beauteous--in full blow! + +[Footnote 1: Mr. CHAMBERLAIN was once reported to have congratulated +himself upon his co-operation with "English Gentlemen."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Chappie_ (_after missing his fourth Stag, explains_). +"AW--FACT IS, THE--AW--WAVING GRASS WAS IN MY WAY." + +_Old Stalker._ "HOOT, MON, WAD YE HAE ME BEING OUT A SCYTHE?"] + + * * * * * + +LORD LYTTON. + +BORN NOV. 8, 1831. DIED NOV. 24, 1891. + + Were clever wise, were grandiose great, + How many a servant of the State + Had left a more enduring name. + But all is not for all; 'tis far + From flaming meteor to fixed star, + From notoriety to fame. + + Picturesque son of brilliant sire, + It wanted but the touch of fire + Prometheus only knows to bring + The flame divine in him to wake + Who moved our plaudits when he spake, + But stirred no passion when he'd sing. + + The Orient pageantry he loved, + The histrio not the hero moved, + The _dilettante_ not the sage. + Hence in our England's East his hand + Turned, in a story sternly grand, + A motley mock-heroic page. + + He by the Seine found fitter place + For courtly wit and modish grace, + Than by the Indus. There right well + His facile talent served his Chief; + And England hears with genuine grief + That sudden-sounding passing bell. + + * * * * * + +NEW NAME. + + Who prizes Literature? All sorts and sizes + Of literary wares now hang on "prizes." + 'Tis not prose fictionists or poem-spinners + The public rush for; no, 'tis "all the winners!" + Letters in lotteries find support most sure-- + Let us be frank, and call them _Lottery_ture! + + * * * * * + +SUITOR RESARTUS. + +_A SENTIMENTAL DILEMMA._ + +[Illustration] + + How can I woo you in this ancient suit? + You do not notice it, of course; I know it. + My soul is burdened with a shapeless boot, + Your heart is singing welcome to your poet. + Here in the shadowy settle I can sit + And sparkle with you, brightly confidential, + But when into the lamp-bright zone you flit, + I shrink into some corner penitential. + A well-dressed crowd, their tailors all unpaid, + Throng round you there, and cuffs and collars glisten; + Of pity's blindness, as of scorn, afraid, + I shun the merry fray, and darkling listen, + For who could urge the timidest of suits, + Conscious of such indifferent clothes and boots? + + You think me quite as good as other men; + Nay, more, I think you think me vastly better; + Your candid glances seem to ask me when + I'll seek to bind you in a willing fetter. + Is this presumption? Not from friend to friend, + Whose souls unite like clasping hands of lovers; + Yet can I breathe no word of love, to end + The delicate doubt that o'er the unspoken hovers. + If I were hopeless that you loved me not, + My hopeless love, confess'd, myself would flatter, + But should the blissful dream be true, I wot + That love confess'd the joy of love would shatter. + My Queen, indeed as king I'd love to lord it; + I cannot tell you that I can't afford it. + + * * * * * + +POSSIBLE EXPLANATION:--"For many months nothing has been heard of +Lieutenant IVANITCH," was the remark of our leading journal _à propos_ +of Russian disappearances. Is it not probable that IVANITCH, unable to +find a post to suit him, has gone on tour with a "scratch company"? + + * * * * * + +THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS. + +NO XVII. + + SCENE--_Under the Colonnade of the Hôtel Grande Bretagne, + Bellagio. CULCHARD is sitting by one of the pillars, engaged + in constructing a sonnet. On a neighbouring seat a group of + smart people are talking over their acquaintances, and near + them is another visitor, a Mr. CRAWLEY STRUTT, who is + watching his opportunity to strike into the conversation._ + +_Mrs. Hurlingham._ Well, she'll _be_ Lady CHESEPARE some day, when +anything happens to the old Earl. He was looking quite ghastly when we +were down at SKYMPINGS last. But they're frightfully badly off _now_, +poor dears! Lady DRIBLETT lets them have her house in Park Lane for +parties and that--but it's wonderful how they live at all! + +[Illustration: "I don't know if you're acquainted with a paper called +the _Penny Patrician_?"] + +_Colonel Sandown._ He looked pretty fit at the Rag the other day. Come +across the SENLACS anywhere? Thought Lady SENLAC was going abroad this +year. + +_Mr. Crawley Strutt._ Hem--I saw it mentioned in the _Penny Patrician_ +that her Ladyship had-- + +_Mrs. Hurl._ (_without taking the slightest notice of him_). She's +just been marryin' her daughter, you know--rather a good match, too. +Not what I call pretty,--smart-lookin', that's all. But then her +_sister_ wasn't pretty till she married. + +_Col. Sand._ Nice family she married into! Met her father-in-law, old +Lord BLETHERHAM, the other morning, at a chemist's in Piccadilly--he'd +dropped in there for a pick-me-up; and there he was, tellin' chemist +all the troubles he'd had with his other sons marryin' the way they +did, and that. Rum man to go and confide in his chemist, but he's like +that--fond of the vine! + +_Mr. C.S._ Er--er--it's becoming a very serious thing, Sir, the way +our aristocracy is deteriorating, is it not? + +_Col. S._ Is it? What have they been up to now, eh? Haven't seen a +paper for days. + +_Mr. C.S._ I mean these mixed marriages, and, well, their general +goings on, I don't know if you're acquainted with a paper called the +_Penny Patrician_? I take it in regularly, and I assure _you_--loyal +supporter of our old hereditary institutions as I am--some of the +revelations I read about in high life make me blush--yes, downright +_blush_ for them! [_Mrs. HURLINGHAM retires._ + +_Col. S._ Do they, though? If I were you I should let 'em do their own +blushin', and save my pennies. + +_Mr. C.S._ (_deferentially_). No doubt you're right, Sir, but I _like_ +the _Patrician_ myself--it's very smartly written. Talking of that, +do you happen to know the ins and outs of that marriage of young Lord +GOSLINGTON's? Something very mysterious about the party he's going to +marry--who _are_ her people now? + +_Col. S._ Can't say, I'm sure--no business of mine, you know. + +_Mr. C.S._ There I venture to think you're wrong, Sir. It's the +business of everybody--the _duty_, I may say--to see that the best +blood of the nation is not--(_Col. S. turns into the hotel; Mr. C.S. +sits down near CULCH._)--Remarkably superior set of visitors staying +here, Sir! My chief objection to travel always is, that it brings +you in contact with parties you wouldn't think of associating with at +home. I was making that same remark to a very pleasant little fellow +I met on the steamer--er--Lord UPPERSOLE, I think it was--and he +entirely concurred. Your friend made us acquainted.--(_PODBURY comes +out of the hotel._)--Ah, here _is_ your friend.--(_To PODB._)--Seen +his Lordship about lately, Sir?--Lord UPPERSOLE, I _mean_, of course! + +_Podb._ UPPERSOLE? No--he's over at Cadenabbia, I believe. + +_Mr. C.S._ A highly agreeable spot to stay at. Indeed, I've some idea +myself of--Exceedingly pleasant person his Lordship--so affable, so +completely the gentleman! + +_Podb._ Oh, he's affable enough--for a boot-maker. I always give him a +title when I see him, for the joke of the thing--he likes it. + +_Mr. C.S._ He _may_, Sir. I consider a title is not a thing to be +treated in that light manner. It--it was an unpardonable liberty to +force me into the society of that class of person--unpardonable, Sir! + + [_He goes._ + +_Podb._ Didn't take much _forcing_, after he once heard me call him +"Lord UPPERSOLE"! Where are all the others, eh? Thought we were going +up to the Villa Serbelloni this afternoon. + +_Culch._ I--er--have not been consulted. Are they--er--_all_ going? + + [_With a shade of anxiety._ + +_Podb._ I believe so. You needn't be afraid, you know. HYPATIA won't +have the chance of ragging you now--she and Miss TROTTER have had a +bit of a breeze. + +_Culch._ I rather gathered as much. I think I could guess the-- + +_Podb._ Yes, HYPATIA's rather uneasy about poor old BOB; thinks Miss +TROTTER is--well, carrying on, you know. She is no end of a little +flirt--_you_ know that well enough!--(_C. disclaims impatiently._) +Here you all are, eh?--(_To Miss P., Miss T., and BOB._)--Well, who +knows the way up to the villa? + +_Miss T._ It's through the town, and up some steps by the church--you +cann't miss it. But Mr. PRENDERGAST is going to show me a short cut up +behind the hotel--aren't you, Mr. PRENDERGAST? + +_Miss P._ (_icily_). I really think, dear, it would be better if we +all kept together--for so _many_ reasons! + +_Culch._ (_with alacrity_). I agree with Miss PRENDERGAST. A short cut +is invariably the most indirect route. + +_Miss P._ (_with intention_). You hear what Mr. CULCHARD says, my dear +MAUD? He advocates direct ways, as best in the long run. + +_Miss T._ It's only going to be a short run, my love. But I'm vurry +glad to observe that you and Mr. CULCHARD are so perfectly harmonious, +as I'm leaving him on your hands for a spell. Aren't you ever coming, +Mr. PRENDERGAST? + + [_She leads him off, a not unwilling captive._ + +_A PATH IN THE GROUNDS OF THE VILLA SERBELLONI._ + +_Podb._ (_considerately, to CULCHARD, who is following Miss +PRENDERGAST and him, in acute misery_). Look here, old fellow, Miss +PRENDERGAST would like to sit down, I know; so don't you bother about +keeping with us if you'd rather _not_, you know! + + [_CULCHARD murmurs an inarticulate protest._ + +_Miss P._ Surely, Mr. PODBURY, you are aware by this time that Mr. +CULCHARD has a perfect mania for self-sacrifice! + + [_CULCHARD drops behind, crushed._ + +_AMONG THE RUINS AT THE TOP OF THE HILL._ + +_Culch._ (_who has managed to overtake Miss T. and her companion_). +Now _do_ oblige me by looking through that gap in the pines towards +Lecco. I particularly wish you to observe the effect of light on those +cliffs--it's well worth your while. + +_Miss T._ Why, certainly, it's a view that does you infinite credit. +Oh, you _didn't_ take any hand in the arrangement? But ain't you +afraid if you go around patting the scenery on the head this way, +you'll have the lake overflow? + +_Bob. P._ Ha-ha-ha! One in the eye for _you_, CULCHARD! + +_Culch._ (_with dignity_). Surely one may express a natural enthusiasm +without laying oneself open--? + +_Miss T._ Gracious, yes! I should hope you wouldn't want to show your +enthusiasm _that_ way--like a Japanese nobleman! + +_Culch._ (_to himself_). Now that's coarse--_really_ +coarse!--(_Aloud._)--I seem to be unable to open my mouth now without +some ridiculous distortion-- + +_Miss T._ My!--but that's a serious symptom--isn't it? You don't feel +like you were going to have lock-jaw, do you, Mr. CULCHARD? + + [_CULCHARD falls back to the rear once more. Later--Mr. + VAN BOODELER has joined the party; HYPATIA has contrived + to detach her brother, CULCHARD has sought refuge with + PODBURY._ + +_Miss T._ (_to VAN B._). So that's what kept you? "Well, it sounds +just too enchanting. But I cann't answer for what Miss PRENDERGAST +will say to it. It mayn't suit her notions of propriety. + +_Mr. Van B._ I expect she'll be superior to Britannic prejudices of +that kind. I consider your friend a highly cultivated and charming +lady, MAUD. She produces that impression upon me. + +_Miss T._ I presume, from that, she has shown an intelligent interest +in the great American novel? + +_Mr. Van B._ Why, yes; it enlists her literary sympathies--she sees +all its possibilities. + +_Miss T._ And they're pretty numerous, too. But here she comes. You'd +better tell her your plan right now. + +_Miss P._ (_in an earnest undertone to BOB, as they approach, +followed by CULCH. and BOB_). You _must_ try and be sensible about +it, BOB; if _you_ are too blind to see that she is only-- + +BOB (_sulkily_). All _right_! Haven't I _said_ I'd go? What's the good +of _jawing_ about it? + +_Mr. V.B._ (_to Miss P._) I've been telling my cousin I've been +organising a little water-party for this evening--moonlight, +mandolins, Menaggio. If you find that alliteration has any +attractions, I hope you and your brother will do me the pleasure of-- + +_Miss P._ I'm afraid not, thanks. We have all our packing to do. We +find we shall have to leave early to-morrow. + + [_Van B.'s face falls; BOB listens gloomily to_ Miss T.'s + rather perfunctory expressions of regret; PODBURY looks + anxious and undecided; CULCHARD does his best to control an + unseemly joy._ + + * * * * * + +THE GOOD NEW "TIMES." + +Nobody, after visiting Terry's Theatre, can apply to Mr. PINERO's +piece the hackneyed phrase,--used apologetically by an unconscionable +reader after detaining the leading journal for three-quarters of an +hour,--"Oh, there's nothing in _The Times_," for, in Mr. PINERO's +piece there is plenty of amusement, if not of absorbing interest. + +[Illustration] + +The story is that of a _parvenu_, whose sole object in life, to +be recognised by "Society," is thwarted by the marriage of his +good-for-nothing son with the daughter of an Irish lodging-house +keeper. The struggles of _Mr. and Mrs. Bompas_ to conceal this +_mésalliance_, and the assistance given them in their difficulties by +the _Hon. Montague Trimble_, constitute the motive of the play. But +the question that must occur to the critical mind is, "Did the author +mean this piece for high comedy, or farcical comedy?" If the former, +then Mr. TERRY is wrong in his conception of the part; if the latter, +everybody else is wrong in their conception of their parts. + +It seems to me as if, in the course of rehearsal, the peculiarities +distinguishing the character of _Percy Egerton Bompas, M.P._, had +gradually become assimilated with the individualities of the actor, +Mr. EDWARD TERRY. If Mr. PINERO so meant it, if he so wrote it for Mr. +TERRY and for Mr. TERRY only, then there is nothing more to be said; +Mr. PINERO's ideal is realised. But if the author did _not_ intend Mr. +TERRY's impersonation, then he must be content to sacrifice the ideal +to the real, shrug his shoulders, and pocket his profits. Yet, as if +making an appeal to the public to judge between the auctorial abstract +and the representational concrete, Mr. PINERO not only publishes his +playbook, but sells it in the theatre. Visitors to TERRY's, who buy +the book, will judge the play by its stage interpretation that has had +the advantage of the author's personal supervision and direction. The +representation, therefore, is either more or less in accordance with +his teaching, or flatly contradicts it. + +[Illustration: One of the Leaders in _The Times_.] + +The publication of the book of a comedy in a theatre may be thankfully +received as a present help to the audience, and an aid to memory +afterwards, or it may be considered as a protest on the part of the +author who says, "Here's what I have written. See how they act it: +whether it be farce or comedy, judge for yourselves. You pay your +money, and you take your choice." Suffice it, then, to record that, on +the night of this deponent's visit, the piece played from eight till +past eleven, and that the audience from first to last was generally +amused, but, I should be inclined to say, particularly disappointed +at the collapse of Mr. TERRY's part in the last Act (the principal +portion of which he passes curled up on a sofa, with the top of +his forehead powdered white! Why?), and mystified by the sudden and +apparently unnecessary revelation, made by _Miss Cazalet_, to the +effect that _Lucy Tuck_ (a mentally and physically short-sighted girl) +is her illegitimate daughter; and these two last-named personages, +though essential to the plot, fail unfortunately in rousing any +sentiment of pity or of sympathy. + +Mr. ELLIOT is excellent as the _Hon. Montague Trimble_; nothing +better, apart from Mr. HARE's eccentric characters, has been seen on +the stage for some considerable time. I hope the author is of the same +opinion. Mr. FRED THORNE is capital as the Irish Member; and as _Mrs. +Hooley_, an obtrusively Irish eccentricity of Thackerayan extraction, +Miss ALEXES LEIGHTON is very good, for the character, as drawn by +the author, _is_ obtrusive, and is so meant to be. The _Mrs. Egerton +Bompas_ of Miss FANNY BROUGH is _the_ woman to the life, and, in my +humble judgment, Miss BROUGH's impersonation is well-nigh faultless. +Whether, if the part of _Egerton Bompas_ were played as high comedy, +this would still improve Miss BROUGH's impersonation of _Mrs. Bompas_ +or not, it is difficult to decide; but I am inclined to think this +would be the result. What does the author think? Most likely he will +continue to "think"; it is the wiser course. Mr. HENRY V. ESMOND makes +the lad, _Howard Bompas_, unnecessarily repulsive; but if, in doing +so, he is only exactly carrying out the author's idea, i.e., "Master's +orders," then he is no longer responsible for the overcharged +colouring. The probable fate of this unhappy pair, an impulsive +uneducated kind of Irish orange-girl married to a contemptible +young sot, is not a pleasant termination to the story, nor is the +anticipatory sadness felt for the future of this ill-assorted couple +in any way dissipated by the stereotyped and perfunctory offer of +marriage made by the young London Journal Nobleman to the daughter of +the utterly crushed snob just before the Curtain descends. + +Why the piece is called _The Times_, remains a mystery. _To-day_ +would have been better; that is, if by _The Times_ is only meant "The +Present Day." And if it doesn't mean this, what meaning has it? For +alliterative advertisement it may be useful; e.g., "Times at TERRY's." +The dialogue generally is easy, natural and telling. + +Yours, + +PRIVATE BOX. + + * * * * * + +FOLLOW THE BARON! + + ["Such characters as he should retire into fiction, they + are too exaggerated for real life."--_"Times" on Mr. R.L. + Stevenson's Sad Maron of Samou._] + + Oh, most excellent true! How I thank thee, great _Times_, + For teaching that phrase! 'Tis delicious! + Fiction! The haunt of mad follies, crass crimes, + Fads futile, and tastes meretricious. + Oh, joy, to transport to that Limbo of Fools, + Upon trial and honest conviction, + The plagues of our Parties, our Churches, our Schools, + Who ought to "retire into Fiction." + + When WINDYWHAME, M.P., goes spouting about, + His flatulent madness and malice; + When SLUDGE, after years of dogmatical doubt, + Finds Faith's Wonderland worthy of _Alice_; + When POPINJAY airs his effeminate Art, + And DOBBS sputters dirt in choice diction, + Ye gods, there'd be joy in Church, Forum, and Mart, + If the fools would "retire into Fiction." + + Pragmatical pietists, sceptics obtuse + Who Progress impede with crude cackle, + Predestinate duffers of prattle profuse, + Who the biggest world-problems would tackle; + State-quacks, shouting Emperors, queer School-Board cranks, + We'll give you our best benediction, + And speed you at parting with heartiest thanks, + If you'll only--"retire into Fiction!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: EMANCIPATION. + +_Young Bride of Three Hours' standing_ (_just starting on her Wedding +Trip_).--"OH, EDWIN DEAR! HERE'S '_TOM JONES_.' PAPA TOLD ME I WASN'T +TO READ IT TILL I WAS MARRIED! THE DAY HAS COME ... AT LAST! BUY IT +FOR ME, EDWIN DEAR."] + + * * * * * + +ARMING THE AMAZONS. + +(_MODERN BRUMMAGEM VERSION._) + + [At the meeting (at Birmingham) of the National Union of + Conservative and Constitutional Associations, a resolution in + favour of "considering the claims of women to be admitted to + the franchise when entitled by ownership or occupation," was + carried "by an overwhelming majority, amid loud cheers." + Mrs. FAWCETT afterwards said, "What new forces were they (the + Conservative Party) prepared to bring against the anarchy, + socialism and revolution which were arrayed against them? + The granting of women's suffrage would be against the + disintegrating power of the other side, as women were + everywhere anti-revolutionary forces.... This would add + about 800,000 to the electorate. They would be, she believed, + middle-aged women of property, than whom she thought they + could not assemble more anti-revolutionary forces."] + +_Trojan Leader loquitur_:-- + + To arm the Amazons against the Greeks, + OVIDIUS hints, proud manhood galls and piques. + No doubt; yet NASO did it in his day, + And we, in ours, who, sorely-pressed, would stay + The rising tide of Revolution, check + Disintegration, of the claws who'd peck + At our political sleeves and platform hearts + Must not be frightened. + "Rummiest of starts," + The ribald Cockney cries; to see at length, + "The Tory seeking to recruit his strength + Prom those he dubbed, in earlier, scornfuller mood + The crowing hens, the shrieking sisterhood!" + Shade of sardonic SMOLLETT, haunt no more + St. Stephen's precincts; list not to the roar + Of the mad Midland cheers, when FEILDING's plan + Of levelling (moneyed) Woman up to Man + Wins "Constitutional" support and votes + From a "majority" of Tory throats! + Mrs. LYNN LINTON, how this vote must vex, + That caustic censor of her own sweet sex! + Wild Women--_with_ the Suffrage! Fancy that, + O fluent Lady, at tart nick-names pat! + Girls of the Period? They were bad enough, + But what a deal of skimble-skamble stuff + Will Mrs. FAWCETT's Middle-aged Ones talk + When these eight hundred thousand _hens_ o' the walk + Cackle for Order, Purity, and Peace!!! + + Partlets _may_ save our Capitol, as geese + Once did the Roman; nigh a million--JUNOS, + Roll back the tide of Revolution. Who knows? + Not PRIAM-SALISBURY. Does _he_ look askance + At the new Amazonian Queen's advance? + Does he hide apprehension with a smile? + The Amazons are used to Grecian guile; + ACHILLES-GLADSTONE sorely they mistrust. + Which side will give them more than fain it must? + To-day the Trojans show the friendlier front + PENTHESILEA, whom the Greeks would shunt, + Proffers her aid to Tory Troy, to keep + High Ilium against the foes who creep + Nearer and nearer to its sacred walls. + ACHILLES o'er the trenches loudly calls, + In menace fierce, thrasonic in his boast, + His Myrmidons, a mad and motley host, + Mean boundless mischief, the Palladium's gone + If they are not repulsed. It _must_ be done, + Come what, come will. PRIAM has trimmed his sails + To popular winds until the pilot fails + To know the old and carefully charted course. + His wisdom, and brave ARTHUR-HECTOR's force, + May yet prove vain if no auxiliar hand + Help yon Anarchic legions to withstand. + The Amazonian host? Aha! Well hit! + Scruple to take she-helping? Not a bit + Too late for proud punctilio. No, this Queen + Is not so lovely, of such royal mien, + As hers who witched ACHILLES e'en in death. + An elderly Amazon of shortish breath, + With gingham huge and gig-lamps, though she hold + That "Property" buckler broad and bossed with gold + Is scarce a Siren--of the ancient style; + More of Minerva's frown than Venus' smile! + But then, eight hundred thousand!!! There's the rub. + Recruited from the Platform and the Tub, + With Middle-aged and Propertied Amazons, + Ilium may master e'en the Myrmidons. + Come, anti-revolutionaries, come! + Strike Anarchy dead, and Socialism dumb! + Accept new arms, ye maiden cohorts! Take + The weapon that shall make ACHILLES shake, + And reinforce, against the wiles of Greece, + The powers of Property, Privilege, and Peace! + + * * * * * + +OPTIMISM. + + "All's for the best," smirks fatuous DIVES. He + _Means_, "I'm the best, and therefore all's for _me_." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ARMING THE AMAZONS. + + PRIAM (_loquitur_). "ACCEPT NEW ARMS, YE MAIDEN COHORTS! TAKE + THE WEAPON THAT SHALL MAKE ACHILLES SHAKE, + AND REINFORCE, AGAINST THE WILES OF GREECE, + THE POWERS OF PROPERTY, PRIVILEGE, AND PEACE!"] + + * * * * * + +ONLY FANCY! + +We understand that Mr. GLADSTONE has followed, with much interest, the +speeches delivered in the country last week, and was observed to be +visibly affected at the touching spectacle of the final reconciliation +of Lord SALISBURY and Mr. CHAMBERLAIN at Birmingham. "They toil +not, neither do they spin," he said, furtively wiping away a tear; +"nevertheless, they seem made for each other's company." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "A Fantasy of Disordered Imagination."] + +The Right Hon. Gentleman will take his turn next week, and a report +is current in interested quarters, that he as gone into training under +the personal direction of Sir WILLIAM HARCOURT and Mr. JOHN MORLEY, +who assist to support him whilst he rehearses his speech. This is +a fantasy of disordered imagination. Mr. G. is in splendid form, +spoiling for a fight. + + * * * * * + +A trustworthy Correspondent informs us that, owing to accidental +displacement of his notes, a telling point was omitted from Lord +SALISBURY's first speech at Birmingham. It was intended to come in +at the passage where the PREMIER boldly flouted apprehension, of +Ministerial disaster at the General Election. He had meant to cite Mr. +JACKSON's appointment as conclusive proof that the Government would +exist at least up to the year 1900. + +"SHAKSPEARE," he should have said, "has written, 'a tanner will last +you nine year,' and of course the duration of the Government will +be co-incidental with the prolongation of the term of our Financial +Secretary to the Treasury, withdrawn from commercial pursuits at +Leeds." + + * * * * * + +HERR VON DER BLOWITZOWN-TROMP has some interesting reminiscences of +the lamented Baron MAC HINERY. "When he was appointed Legate at the +Court of the Isle of Man," writes the great historian of our times, +"he dined with me in passing through Nanterre. It was the very day the +Marquis DE MOULIN had been elected Pompier. The other guests were, +His Excellency the CON OF CRIM TARTARY, Prince ALLEZ-VOUS-EN, His +Excellency the VICUNA of BRAZIL, the SANDWICH AMBASSADOR, the DOGE of +VENICE, and the Baron MUNCHAUSEN, who was a kind of amateur partner of +mine, in whom I had much confidence--I always left him with my day's +correspondence ready to be committed to paper. In the course of the +dinner a stupid _garçon_, handing the ice round, dropped a small piece +down the back of the neck of the DOGE of VENICE. With great presence +of mind Baron MUNCHAUSEN seized the poker (which fortunately happened +to be in the fire), and, with inimitable dexterity, passed the red-hot +brand between the DOGE's shirt-collar and his neck, and, deftly +touching the piece of ice, melted it. It was an awkward moment. The +canned lobster was just served, but no one thought of eating it. The +CON of CRIM TARTARY turning to Baron MAC HINERY, said,-- + +"You, my Lord, who are disinterested in this matter, tell us what you +think of it." + +"I think," replied the Baron, with admirable _sangfroid_, "his +Highness the DOGE would have felt better if the ice had been warmer, +and the poker cooler." + +Everybody laughed. The DOGE and Baron MUNCHAUSEN shook hands, and the +dinner ended gaily. + + * * * * * + +RYMOND, writing _lui-même_ with too infrequent pen, makes pathetic +reference to the death of "one of the largest and best known purveyors +of Rhine wine, with whom I have had business relations and personal +intercourse for nearly thirty years." There is, we need hardly say, +no basis for the insinuation thrown out by HENED that the business +relations referred to were of the commission order sometimes +established between purveyors of Rhine and other wines and gentlemen +who have a wide circle of friends. + + * * * * * + +THEORY AND PRACTICE. + + SCENE--_Interior of a First-class Railway Carriage. + Theoretical Passenger and Practical Passenger discussing the + "Unreadiness of England."_ + +_Theoretical Passenger_ (_at the conclusion of a long account of the +national shortcomings_). Yes, my dear Sir, France has only to declare +war to-morrow, and we are completely ruined! We cease to exist as a +nation! + +_Practical Passenger_ (_with a smile_). But hasn't this been said +about us--by ourselves--for any number of years? + +_Theo. Pas._ Doubtless, but that does not make it the less true. + +_Prac. Pas._ Possibly; still, it is encouraging to find that we _do_ +exist in spite of the "temptation to belong to other nations." + +_Theo. Pas._ (_annoyed_). Ah! you treat the matter with levity; but +I assure you it is a most serious thing! How would you like to be +bombarded? + +_Prac. Pas._ Not at all. The more especially as it would be a great +expense to the enemy. + +_Theo. Pas._ (_with dignified resentment_). I see you consider the +subject a proper topic for raillery! It is a very fine day! + +_Prac. Pas._ (_in a conciliatory tone_). No, no, I can assure you I am +deeply interested. But how about our Fleet--surely that should protect +us? + +_Theo. Pas._ You must be very much behind the age to say so. Our Fleet +is practically valueless. It is perfectly easy to invade us at a +dozen places. If the French went to Ireland (as they did in the last +century), the conquest of England would be assured. They would (with +the assistance of a friendly peasantry), get their supplies and make +good their footing. + +_Prac. Pas._ But how about our Army? + +_Theo. Pas._ A farce! An expensive farce. We have no Regulars, the +Militia exists only on paper, and the Volunteers are valueless. + +_Prac. Pas._ Then why not have a Conscription--that would bring up our +Army with a run? + +_Theo. Pas._ A Conscription! My dear Sir, the nation wouldn't think of +such a thing! No, not for a single moment! + +_Prac. Pas._ (_after a pause_). Well, what is to be done? + +_Theo. Pas._ (_promptly_). Nothing, except to write to the papers and +submit to our fate. + +_Prac. Pas._ Is there any objection to the construction of the Channel +Tunnel? + +_Theo. Pas._ (_carelessly_). None in the least--but why do you ask? + +_Prac. Pas._ Because, if in the case of war, the entire French nation +pours into England;--as you say it will? + +_Theo. Pas._ Certainly. + +_Prac. Pas._ The best thing we can do is to utilise the Tunnel, pour +into France, and stay there! It will be only changing sides! + + [_Conversation interrupted by whistle, and consequent rattle + and darkness._ + + * * * * * + +THE SPHINX AND THE STICK. + +_A SONG WHEREIN IS SUGGESTED A SUITABLE SUBJECT FOR AN IBSENITE +TRAGEDY._ + + [Sir JAMES CRICHTON-BROWNE thinks that "the reserve and + suppression of emotional movement which is observed in + English people" will probably result in all the women becoming + sphinxes, and all the men sticks.] + + "Oh! do wag your head!" said the Sphinx to the Stick. + "I _can't_," he replied, "or I would, darling, quick! + If you'll only indulge in a shrug and some winks, + You'll perhaps set _me_ off," said the Stick to the Sphinx. + "Nay, long 'inhibition,'" the Sphinx made reply, + "Has imparted rigidity, love, to my eye." + "'Emotional movement' no longer is mine," + Sighed the Stick to the Sphinx; "though I greatly incline + To a dig in your ribs, or a slap on your back + (As a sign of my love), all my muscles are slack. + My poor 'motor-centres' are all out of gear, + And I can't even 'chuck' your soft chin, sweet, I fear. + I'm sure such a stolid inflexible 'stick' you'll hate, + But, though I adore you, I _cannot_ gesticulate--" + "My case is as bad," sighed the Sphinx to the Stick, + "For I cannot 'bridle'--no more than a brick." + Said the Stick to the Sphinx, "Ah, we once knew what love meant! + But, thanks to the loss of 'emotional movement,' + We can't give it 'graceful and chastened expression,' + And so it seems slipping fast out of possession. + Heigho! we had far better die, darling, quick! + Since you are a Sphinx, love, and I'm but a Stick!" + + * * * * * + +VERY LIKELY--JUST NOW.--A place to spend a Quiet Sunday--Eastbourne. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MR. PUNCH ON TOUR IN YORKSHIRE.] + + * * * * * + +"ON THE HYP"-NOTIST. + +(_FRAGMENT FROM A ROMANCE PURELY IMAGINARY AND YET TO BE WRITTEN._) + +The _Savants_ were gathered together to consider the question of +Hypnotism. They had been appointed by a learned Association, and their +Hon. Secretary had distinguished himself by writing a letter, which if +eccentric in punctuation, was yet to the point. + +"We must not forget, Gentlemen," said one of the learned persons, +"that we have been appointed to investigate the use of Hypnotism as +a therapeutic agent. It will be our duty to ascertain, if it is +possible, that operations can be performed under the shield of its +anæsthesia." + +"You are indeed right," replied another, "and it is fortunate in one +sense that we have not had the advantage of greeting at our board, +Doctor OWEN COLEMAN of Dunedin, Surbiton." + +"Why so?" asked a third. + +"Because," returned _Savant_ No. 2, "that distinguished Member of the +Medical Profession can give instances of successful treatment under +the prescribed circumstances. For instance, JULES CLOQUET, as early +as 1845 was using Hypnotism in the cause of painless surgery. However, +our pleasant little gathering can do no harm." + +"Perhaps not," acquiesced _Savant_ No. 3. "Although it is only right +to remark that had we had Dr. COLEMAN's knowledge, we should have +possibly considered it _qua_ Committee a trifle superfluous." + +"Do you not think we ought to visit the Aquarium?" asked the first +speaker. "I am told that there is a Hypnotist who appears there twice +a-day, and whose exhibition, from a scientific point of view, should +be decidedly interesting." + +After this there was a speedy departure, and for some hours the +Committee lounged about the Aquarium, They there saw a female acrobat +of great strength. Then they paid a visit to the Alhambra, where they +met a pleasant young lady, who, seemingly without any assistance, +lifted four or five bulky gentlemen seated on a chair. This she did +without any exertion and with a smiling countenance. On their return +to their private room, they seemed somewhat hostile to the pretensions +of the Hypnotist, whose feats they had just witnessed--they preferred +to his performances the feats of the Magnetic Lady. + +[Illustration] + +"Quite a mistake," said one; "instead of taking off a leg, or showing +the strength of a billiard cue, he makes men believe that they are +swimming in a tank!" + +"Very undignified," remarked another; "it would have been so much +better had he performed a surgical operation--say, setting a compound +fracture of the leg, like that performed by two medical men in 1845; +and more interesting to the vast majority of the audience." + +"But the Alhambra was excellent," was the reply. "Suppose we send +to our Committee a Report of the 'Magnetic Lady' and ignore the +Hypnotist?" + +And so it was decided, and it was time to write their Report. Then +pens, ink, and paper were produced, and the _Savants_ prepared for +work. They had scarcely commenced, when a gentleman stood in their +midst, and glared at them. He gave them each a disc, and commanded +them to gaze upon its surface. Then, one by one, they fell over fast +asleep. He placed them back in their chairs. + +"Now for your Report," he murmured. "And so you would ignore _my_ +show and praise another! But you are in my power, and _shall_ obey +me! Write what I dictate!" And so they wrote. And, strange as it may +appear to non-believers in Hypnotism, the Report, when published, +was found to be an excellent advertisement for the Royal Westminster +Aquarium! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SENILE FELINE AMENITIES. + +"WELL, GOOD AFTERNOON--I'M GOING TO CALL ON MY MOTHER!" + +"WHAT! YOU DON'T MEAN TO SAY YOU'VE GOT A MOTHER _LIVING_?" + +"OH YES--AND SHE DON'T LOOK A BIT OLDER THAN _YOU_ DO--I ASSURE YOU!"] + + * * * * * + +OUR FINANCIAL COLUMN. + +_Orl Court, E.C.[2]_ + +I am preparing a big _coup_, and wish all my friends to be in it. My +friends are legion, it is true, but they may depend upon me to do the +best for all. Nothing on the gigantic scale I am now preparing has +been seen or heard of in the Financial World since the days of the +Flood, when NOAH's floating capital weathered the storm. What was +the stock worth when Father NOAH once again touched land? Expect the +biggest result ever known. I may be sanguine. I have the right to be +so. + +[Illustration] + +"PONY."--Yes. Buy A. and C.N.B.--Invest big cheque with yours truly. +The only safe and profitable investment. + +"D.A.H."--Don't you do it, or you'll be H.A.D. Send cheques here. +Strict account kept, and gains delivered in cash by special messenger. + +"A HESITATER."--Don't doubt for a moment. Sell everything right off, +and invest proceeds by cheque with your friend." + +"A.S.S."--The Dividend days of the "_Ex-Nihilo-Fit Loan and Insurance +Company_ are April 1, up to mid-day, and September 31. + +So much for some of the principal Correspondents who require an answer +in my weekly article. As for myself, I can only say that my motto is, +"_Confidentia Illimitata et Nulla Pecunia redditur_." Within the last +month the gross earnings of the office on behalf of my clients has +been £12,345,678,910 which compares favourably with the previous +month. Every penny of this, equal to 50 per cent. profit to every one +of my clients, will be distributed within a week with a handsome bonus +of twenty-five pounds to everyone sending in his coupon or cheque +for fifteen sovereigns by twelve o'clock next Tuesday, after which +hour it is impossible for any one, be he who he may, from Kaiser to +Chimney-sweeper, to participate in the enormous profit which will have +been honestly earned by + +Yours truly, + +CROESUS. + +[Footnote 2: N.B.--Note change of address.] + + * * * * * + +SHORTLY TO APPEAR.--_A Morning without Boots_, by the Author of _A +Knight without Spurs_. + + * * * * * + +POPULAR SONGS RE-SUNG; + +OR, MISS BOWDLER AT THE MUSIC HALLS. + +NO. III.--THE SPOOKS IN THE SQUARE. + +AIR--"_THE GOBLINS IN THE CHURCHYARD_." + + I went down to the Psychical Society one night, + And heard them talk of Spooks and things that filled me with affright. + The Psychical Society, as every member boasts, + Was founded with the object of investigating Ghosts! + Now Ghosts, the modern species, are of very various sorts, + For like some plants, as botanists say, they seem to run to "sports." + I used to think a spectre _was_ a spectre, but I find + The "Psychical" can furnish Spooks of every class and kind. + +_CHORUS._ + +[Illustration] + + Some of the Ghosts are little, some of the Ghosts are big, + Some come in the guise of a headless man, and some of a spectre pig. + Some of them laugh "Ha! ha!" Some of them wail "Heigho!" + And I felt that night in a doose of a fright before it was time to go. + + I had read _Phantasmagoria_ by that writer quaint but grand, + Who penned _The Hunting of the Snark_ and _Alice in Wonderland_. + And I thought I knew a thing or two, or might be even three, + About a Ghoul, and a Fay or Troll, and a Brownie or Banshee. + I knew that a Banshee always howled, whilst a Goblin might but yawn, + I also knew that a Poltergeist was _not_ a Leprechaun, + But the Psychicals, I'm bound to say, had me on "buttered toastes" + With the wonderful changes which they rang on the good old Churchyard + "Ghostes." + +_CHORUS._ + + Some of their Ghosts were sages, some of them seemed sheer noddies; + Some of the same like a "Wandering Flame," and others as "Astral + Bodies." + Some of theirs croaked "Ha! ha!" some of them chuckled "Ho! ho!" + And I got so sad, I was heartily glad when I found it was time to go. + + I dropped into the "Rose and Crown," a highly respectable tavern, + For Ghosts are dry, and my thirst was high, my throat like a chalky + cavern. + I didn't have much, only four of cold Scotch, which is good to moisten + chalk. + The night was fine, it was twelve twenty-nine, so I thought I might + just as well walk. + But when I entered Trafalgar Square, I heard a mysterious sound; + There was not even a Bobby in sight as I stole a glance around; + But seated on NELSON's lions four, and perched on the neighbouring + "posteses," + I saw, as we said in our Nursery Rhyme, a dozen or so of "Ghosteses"! + +_CHORUS._ + + Some of the Ghosts were short, some of the Ghosts were tall, + Some of them had most preposterous noddles, and some of them none at all, + They all gave a shrill "Ha! ha!" they all gave a hushed "Ho! ho!" + I turned in a fright and I wished 'em good night--but they would not let + me go! + + Then one of the Ghosts began to speak; down on my knees I sank, + "I am a Nobleman's Ghost," said he, "and mine offence is Rank! + I never cared for the Common Herd, the People I loved to crush; + My only remark on the Poor was 'Pooh!' my retort to the Toilers 'Tush!' + And if they dared to grumble, why, I used to raise my rents, + For I always held that the Mob were made to keep up the Cent-per-cents, + And now in this Square I hear BURNS's blare, see the Red Banner wave, + And Society swished by the Socialist; so I cannot rest in my grave." + +_CHORUS._ + + Another Ghost commenced. He said: "I was a great R.A. + (I remember the time when we used to meet in "the pepper-pots," over + the way), + My daubs were always hung on the line, for ourselves we used to judge, + Our sole Ideal conventional cant, our _technique_ broad brown smudge. + And now BURNE JONES's pictures _sell_!!!"--here he writhed with a + spectral twist-- + "And our 'broad brown smudge' gives way to the fudge cranks call + 'Impressionist.' + I've lost my head, as perhaps you mark--though I keep a ventriloquist + tongue. + What's the use of a head to an Artist Ghost, who has never a chance + to be hung?" + +_CHORUS_--SOME OF THE GHOSTS, &C. + + A Lawyer's Ghost wept on his post, and then began to state + That the Revolution of Sixty-eight--he meant of Six-_and_-eight-- + For the abolition of needless fees, and the stopping of useless jaw, + Had capped the murder of Privilege by the massacre of Law: + Order, this Spook went on to state, was the prey of police--less prank, + All the real jam of life was lost with the abolition of Rank. + Here he wept! Ah! _can_ there be a sight a pitiful breast to thrill + Like the Ghost of a Lawyer dropping a tear o'er the Ghost of a + Lawyer's Bill? + +_CHORUS_--SOME OF THE GHOSTS, &C. + + I woke. A pain possessed my head. The gathered Ghosts were gone, + And I lay there in Trafalgar Square, on a cold stone alone. + I seemed to hear a wailing cry, a whisper on the breeze, + Which said, in accents I well knew, "_Now then, Time, Gentlemen, + please_!" + It may have been the warning to recall those vagrant Ghosts + To ---- wheresoever they abide, poor pallid spectral hosts! + What it all meant I cannot tell, but this at least I know, + To that Psychical Society no more at night I'll go! + +_CHORUS._ + + Some of the Ghosts did goggle, some of the Spooks did stare, + But there they sat in a spectral row round "the Squirts" in Trafalgar + Square. + They all gave a loud "Ha! ha!" they all gave a loud "Ho! ho!" + And I turned and fled, and got home to bed as the rooster began to crow! + + * * * * * + +THE NAKED TRUTH.--Our old friend, Mrs. RAMSBOTHAM, was reading, the +other day, a letter in the _Times_ about "Electrical Tramways," when +she came upon a line stating that "two naked conductors" would be +used. Much shocked, she was about to look at something else in the +paper when she noticed that "one of the conductors was to be carried +on poles," and another to be "laid rigid between the rails!" Horrified +at this apparent brutality, the worthy lady has been writing letters +(in draft) to the Commissioner of Police ever since! + + * * * * * + +A FRIENDLY TIP TO THE FIGHTING FACTIONS. + + Recrimination is vexation, + Sedition is as bad; + Home Rule the-o-ry much puzzles J.B. + _Such_ practice proves _you_ mad! + + * * * * * + +A TIMELY SUGGESTION.--Commenting upon the exceptionally bad +case of the Rev. Mr. CLUTTERBUCK last week, the _Times_ asks if +something cannot be done to put down betting by turf-agencies, and +stock-exchange gambling per "bucket-shops." We regret our inability to +suggest an immediate remedy, but, as a warning and a reminder, let the +last-named institutions be called "Clutterbucket-shops." + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +101, December 5, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14122 *** diff --git a/14122-h/14122-h.htm b/14122-h/14122-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f0efa49 --- /dev/null +++ b/14122-h/14122-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2089 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> + + <title>Punch, December 5, 1891.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note, .footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + p.author {text-align: right;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> + +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14122 ***</div> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 101.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>December 5, 1891.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page265" + id="page265"></a>[pg 265]</span> + + <h2>QUITE FABULOUS!</h2> + + <h4>(<i>A Story of the Times, dedicated to Professor + Munro.</i>)</h4> + + <p>KING COLE, although described as a "merry old soul," was in + reality a tyrant. He had a number of subjects who used to work + underground, and their labour was to bring to the surface the + black diamonds of the earth. It was not altogether a pleasant + occupation, but still, the task had to be accomplished. His + Majesty was fond of ferocious practical jokes, and perchance + this may have been the origin of the jocular description + attached to his name. One day, some of his subjects complained + that their hours of labour were too many.</p> + + <p>"How long do you work?" asked the King.</p> + + <p>"May it please you, Sire, sixteen," was the reply.</p> + + <p>"Try what you can do with twelve," and they were about to + depart rejoicing, when the Monarch called them back and added, + "But mind you, I shall expect just as many black diamonds to be + unearthed as before."</p> + + <p>So the King's subjects worked only twelve hours, and strange + to say, quite as many black diamonds were produced as in the + olden days. Then the workmen began to grumble once more, and + the King again interviewed them.</p> + + <p>"Do you still work twelve hours?" he asked the + deputation.</p> + + <p>"Certainly, Your Majesty; but we think half would be quite + enough," returned the spokesman.</p> + + <p>"By all means—why not make it three hours?" and again + his subjects were departing, rejoicing, when once more he + added, "But I shall expect just the same output as before."</p> + + <p>And he got it, for the men worked harder than ever. And then + they came yet again to him. Once more they considered the hours + of labour excessive. They thought sixty minutes plenty.</p> + + <p>"So do I," replied the Monarch, "not only plenty, but too + many. But as it is scarcely worth while employing you only half + an hour a day, I shall make other arrangements."</p> + + <p>And from that time forth he brought up his black diamonds + from the centre of the earth by machinery!</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOT "HALF A CHAP."—A well-known Clergyman, who "does + nothing by halves." <i>i.e.</i>, Dean HOLE.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/265-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/265-1.png" + alt="'WHEN A MAN DOES NOT LOOK HIS BEST.'—No. 4." /> + </a> + + <h3>"WHEN A MAN DOES NOT LOOK HIS BEST."—No. + 4.</h3>WHEN HE JUST BEGINS TO REALISE WHAT A SUFFERING HE + WOULD HAVE SAVED HIMSELF, IF HE HAD ONLY HAD THE + <i>COURAGE</i> TO SAY "<i>MEDIUM</i>" INSTEAD OF "HARD." + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:37%;"> + <a href="images/265-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/265-2.png" + alt="The Baron's Retainers, Mesdames Blythe and Gay, giving him the results of their readings." /> + </a>The Baron's Retainers, Mesdames Blythe and Gay, giving + him the results of their readings. + </div> + + <p>In the Christmas Numbers of the numerous picture-papers it + is at first rather difficult to discover which is the genuine + article illustrated, and which the advertisement, likewise + illustrated. In the outside picture of the Christmas Number of + <i>The Penny Illustrated Paper</i>, which represents a couple + dancing together, I am not yet quite sure that the handsome + Hebraic gentleman, dancing with a fair Anglo-Saxon girl, is not + assuring his frightened-looking partner that "Epps's Cocoa is + Grateful—Comforting," as stated in the paragraph + immediately beneath the aforesaid picture. On the next page is + a sad illustration entitled, "The Curse of Revenge. Lost to + Human Aid." which turns out to be not a Christmas story at all, + but an advertisement for Fruit Salt. Then opposite this + commences a story by GEORGE R. SIMS; and at the foot of this + page some one replies, "Mr. DOOLAN! There's no one of that name + here now, Sir." Whereupon, being interested, the reader turns + over page 1 to find at the head of page 2, not the continuation + of the above interesting story in the shape of some remark on + the part of the inquirer, nor any account of what happened + after this reply had been given, but simply "Benson's Watches" + followed by "Fry's Chocolate," then a picture (not an + advertisement) facing that, and then on page 4 the remainder of + the dialogue. It doesn't much matter perhaps, as the excitement + aroused by the story is not violent, and the mistake of giving + somebody else's card for your own does not occur here for the + first time as the motive of a plot. CUTHBERT BEDE's name is to + a "Christmas Carol," and Mr. JOHN LATEY's to a dramatically + told tale called "Mark Temple's Trial," in which the imaginary + heroine pays a visit to a very real person of the name of + Madame KATTI LANNER, whose pupils are represented as all + assembled, with bouquets and posies, to do honour to the + birthday of their "well-loved mistress," who is at the same + time, "the acknowledged mistress of the choreographic art." In + this story, the author is to be complimented on his invention + of the name, "Lord Morgagemore" as an ancient looking and + highly aristocratic Irish title.</p> + + <p>"Up to any game at Christmas, if it's not too high," says + the Baron of Hampershire, who detests all game that is lofty, + but is glad to welcome a Shakspearian Revival by MYERS & + Co. in the shape of a <i>Nine Men's Morris</i>, a title the + Baron recommends to the notice of Mr. WILLIAM MORRIS, yclept + "BILLY," when he is making another bouquet of poesies. By the + way, BIM BROS.' Almanac Cards, one of the Baron's Lady Helps + describes as "decidedly dainty." Christmas is specially a + card-playing season, a time of <i>Pax</i> to everybody.</p> + + <p>From the <i>Gordon Stables</i> of HUTCHINSON & Co. + issues the nightmare tale of <i>The Cruise in the Crystal + Boat</i>; when finished, try their <i>Family Difficulty</i>, by + SARAH DOUDNEY. Send to the Deanery of DEAN AND SON, ask for + <i>Baby's Biography</i> and <i>The Little One's Own + Beehive</i>. The Spindleside department of the Baron's + Booking-Office recommends both the above for the Tiny Trots; + while the Spearside tells the boys to go in for MANVILLE FENN's + <i>Burr Junior</i> and Mrs. R. LEE's <i>Adventures in + Australia</i>. Then for all-comers, procure BEATRICE HARRADEN's + <i>New Book of Fairies</i>, for, our "Co." thus puts it, "This + is all concerning those poor little Fairies, about whom no one + takes any trouble, and who are left out in the cold at + Christmas time." Thus for this week conclude the duties of + Mesdames BLYTHE and GAY, the Baron's Lady Assistant Perusers. + "I trust my gentle Public will benefit by their advice," + quoth,</p> + + <p class="author">Theirs truly,<br /> + THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page266" + id="page266"></a>[pg 266]</span> + + <h2>"NOW YOU'RE <u>QUITE</u> THE GENTLEMAN!"</h2> + + <h4>(<i>A Ballad of Birmingham.</i>)</h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["You will not find an alliance in which the weaker side + has been so loyal, so straight, so single-hearted, so + patriotic as the Liberal Unionists have been during the + last five years.... Birmingham is the centre, the + consecration of this alliance."—<i>Lord Salisbury at + Birmingham.</i></p> + + <p>"Now I neither look for nor desire reunion" (with the + Gladstonian Liberals.)—<i>Mr. Chamberlain at + Birmingham.</i>]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:80%;"> + <a href="images/266.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/266.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h4>AIR—"<i>Ye Gentlemen of + England</i>."<a id="footnotetag1" + name="footnotetag1"></a><a href="#footnote1"><sup>1</sup></a></h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Ye Gentlemen of England,</p> + + <p class="i2">Who follow SALIS-BU-RY,</p> + + <p>How little did you count upon</p> + + <p class="i2">Assistance from J.C.!</p> + + <p>Give ear unto his speeches old,</p> + + <p class="i2">And they will plainly show</p> + + <p>Once he'd scorn to be borne</p> + + <p class="i2">Where the Tory breezes blow,</p> + + <p class="i4">Where the Lilies and Primroses + bloom,</p> + + <p class="i4">And the Tory zephyrs blow.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>If once he did oppose you,</p> + + <p class="i2">To-day he is at war</p> + + <p>With GLADSTONE and his Items.</p> + + <p class="i2">Faith, JOE has travelled far!</p> + + <p>The Primrose Dames shall teach him</p> + + <p class="i2">True patriot "form" to know.</p> + + <p>He is leal, and will kneel</p> + + <p class="i2">To the "Lilies" in fair row;</p> + + <p class="i4">To the pretty, winsome Primrose + girls,</p> + + <p class="i4">Who buttonhole Brum JOE.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Ye Gentlemen of England,</p> + + <p class="i2">Whom once he did deride,</p> + + <p>How safe ye are, and how serene,</p> + + <p class="i2">With JOSEPH on your side.</p> + + <p>He talks no more of "Ransom"</p> + + <p class="i2">('Tis P-e-n-s-i-o-n rather now),</p> + + <p>Brum JOE will not go</p> + + <p class="i2">Where the Hawarden winds do blow;</p> + + <p class="i4">Where HARCOURT thunders loud and + long,</p> + + <p class="i4">And Gladstonians blare and blow.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The Orchid from his button</p> + + <p class="i2">JOE's willing to displace,</p> + + <p>To take the Primrose posy</p> + + <p class="i2">That's proffered by Her Grace.</p> + + <p>O gentle dame and dainty,</p> + + <p class="i2">What man could answer "No!"</p> + + <p>As you prest to his breast</p> + + <p class="i2">The most blessed flowers that + blow,</p> + + <p class="i4">The blossoms loved by + BEACONSFIELD</p> + + <p class="i4">The bravest blooms that blow?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>O (Brummagem) Tory Beauty,</p> + + <p class="i2">'Tis yours to consecrate</p> + + <p>The holiest Alliance</p> + + <p class="i2">Our land hath seen of late.</p> + + <p>Shall he reject its symbol,</p> + + <p class="i2">Or answer "Not for JOE!"?</p> + + <p>Nay, sweet girl, such a churl</p> + + <p class="i2">Were no "Gentleman" you know;</p> + + <p class="i4">And JOE is "quite the Gentleman,"</p> + + <p class="i4">Brum BRUMMEL in full blow!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Then courage, all brave Unionists,</p> + + <p class="i2">And never be afraid</p> + + <p>Whilst Brummagem Republican</p> + + <p class="i2">Is witched by Primrose Maid.</p> + + <p>There is soft fascination</p> + + <p class="i2">In radiant rank, we know;</p> + + <p>And a posy, though primrosy,</p> + + <p class="i2">From soft hands makes soft hearts + glow,</p> + + <p class="i4">Lilies—though they toil not nor + spin</p> + + <p class="i4">Are beauteous—in full blow!</p> + </div> + </div> + </div> + + <blockquote class="footnote"> + <a id="footnote1" + name="footnote1"></a><b>Footnote 1:</b> + <a href="#footnotetag1">(return)</a> + + <p>Mr. CHAMBERLAIN was once reported to have congratulated + himself upon his co-operation with "English Gentlemen."</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page267" + id="page267"></a>[pg 267]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/267-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/267-1.png" + alt="Chappie and Old Stalker." /></a> + + <p><i>Chappie</i> (<i>after missing his fourth Stag, + explains</i>). "AW—FACT IS, THE—AW—WAVING + GRASS WAS IN MY WAY."</p> + + <p><i>Old Stalker.</i> "HOOT, MON, WAD YE HAE ME BEING OUT + A SCYTHE?"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>Lord Lytton.</h2> + + <h4>BORN NOV. 8, 1831. DIED NOV. 24, 1891.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Were clever wise, were grandiose great,</p> + + <p>How many a servant of the State</p> + + <p class="i2">Had left a more enduring name.</p> + + <p>But all is not for all; 'tis far</p> + + <p>From flaming meteor to fixed star,</p> + + <p class="i2">From notoriety to fame.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Picturesque son of brilliant sire,</p> + + <p>It wanted but the touch of fire</p> + + <p class="i2">Prometheus only knows to bring</p> + + <p>The flame divine in him to wake</p> + + <p>Who moved our plaudits when he spake,</p> + + <p class="i2">But stirred no passion when he'd + sing.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The Orient pageantry he loved,</p> + + <p>The histrio not the hero moved,</p> + + <p class="i2">The <i>dilettante</i> not the sage.</p> + + <p>Hence in our England's East his hand</p> + + <p>Turned, in a story sternly grand,</p> + + <p class="i2">A motley mock-heroic page.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>He by the Seine found fitter place</p> + + <p>For courtly wit and modish grace,</p> + + <p class="i2">Than by the Indus. There right well</p> + + <p>His facile talent served his Chief;</p> + + <p>And England hears with genuine grief</p> + + <p class="i2">That sudden-sounding passing bell.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>New Name.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Who prizes Literature? All sorts and sizes</p> + + <p>Of literary wares now hang on "prizes."</p> + + <p>'Tis not prose fictionists or poem-spinners</p> + + <p>The public rush for; no, 'tis "all the winners!"</p> + + <p>Letters in lotteries find support most + sure—</p> + + <p>Let us be frank, and call them + <i>Lottery</i>ture!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>SUITOR RESARTUS.</h2> + + <h4><i>A Sentimental Dilemma.</i></h4> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:33%;"> + <a href="images/267-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/267-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>How can I woo you in this ancient suit?</p> + + <p class="i2">You do not notice it, of course; I know + it.</p> + + <p>My soul is burdened with a shapeless boot,</p> + + <p class="i2">Your heart is singing welcome to your + poet.</p> + + <p>Here in the shadowy settle I can sit</p> + + <p class="i2">And sparkle with you, brightly + confidential,</p> + + <p>But when into the lamp-bright zone you flit,</p> + + <p class="i2">I shrink into some corner + penitential.</p> + + <p>A well-dressed crowd, their tailors all unpaid,</p> + + <p class="i2">Throng round you there, and cuffs and + collars glisten;</p> + + <p>Of pity's blindness, as of scorn, afraid,</p> + + <p class="i2">I shun the merry fray, and darkling + listen,</p> + + <p>For who could urge the timidest of suits,</p> + + <p class="i2">Conscious of such indifferent clothes and + boots?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>You think me quite as good as other men;</p> + + <p class="i2">Nay, more, I think you think me vastly + better;</p> + + <p>Your candid glances seem to ask me when</p> + + <p class="i2">I'll seek to bind you in a willing + fetter.</p> + + <p>Is this presumption? Not from friend to friend,</p> + + <p class="i2">Whose souls unite like clasping hands of + lovers;</p> + + <p>Yet can I breathe no word of love, to end</p> + + <p class="i2">The delicate doubt that o'er the unspoken + hovers.</p> + + <p>If I were hopeless that you loved me not,</p> + + <p class="i2">My hopeless love, confess'd, myself would + flatter,</p> + + <p>But should the blissful dream be true, I wot</p> + + <p class="i2">That love confess'd the joy of love would + shatter.</p> + + <p>My Queen, indeed as king I'd love to lord it;</p> + + <p class="i2">I cannot tell you that I can't afford + it.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>POSSIBLE EXPLANATION:—"For many months nothing has + been heard of Lieutenant IVANITCH," was the remark of our + leading journal <i>à propos</i> of Russian disappearances. Is + it not probable that IVANITCH, unable to find a post to suit + him, has gone on tour with a "scratch company"?</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page268" + id="page268"></a>[pg 268]</span> + + <h2>THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS.</h2> + + <h3>No XVII.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>Under the Colonnade of the Hôtel Grande + Bretagne, Bellagio.</i> CULCHARD <i>is sitting by one of + the pillars, engaged in constructing a sonnet. On a + neighbouring seat a group of smart people are talking over + their acquaintances, and near them is another visitor, + a</i> Mr. CRAWLEY STRUTT, <i>who is watching his + opportunity to strike into the conversation.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Mrs. Hurlingham.</i> Well, she'll <i>be</i> Lady + CHESEPARE some day, when anything happens to the old Earl. He + was looking quite ghastly when we were down at SKYMPINGS last. + But they're frightfully badly off <i>now</i>, poor dears! Lady + DRIBLETT lets them have her house in Park Lane for parties and + that—but it's wonderful how they live at all!</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/268.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/268.png" + alt="'I don't know if you're acquainted with a paper called the <i>Penny Patrician</i>?'" /> + </a>"I don't know if you're acquainted with a paper called + the <i>Penny Patrician</i>?" + </div> + + <p><i>Colonel Sandown.</i> He looked pretty fit at the Rag the + other day. Come across the SENLACS anywhere? Thought Lady + SENLAC was going abroad this year.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. Crawley Strutt.</i> Hem—I saw it mentioned in + the <i>Penny Patrician</i> that her Ladyship had—</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. Hurl.</i> (<i>without taking the slightest notice of + him</i>). She's just been marryin' her daughter, you + know—rather a good match, too. Not what I call + pretty,—smart-lookin', that's all. But then her + <i>sister</i> wasn't pretty till she married.</p> + + <p><i>Col. Sand.</i> Nice family she married into! Met her + father-in-law, old Lord BLETHERHAM, the other morning, at a + chemist's in Piccadilly—he'd dropped in there for a + pick-me-up; and there he was, tellin' chemist all the troubles + he'd had with his other sons marryin' the way they did, and + that. Rum man to go and confide in his chemist, but he's like + that—fond of the vine!</p> + + <p><i>Mr. C.S.</i> Er—er—it's becoming a very + serious thing, Sir, the way our aristocracy is deteriorating, + is it not?</p> + + <p><i>Col. S.</i> Is it? What have they been up to now, eh? + Haven't seen a paper for days.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. C.S.</i> I mean these mixed marriages, and, well, + their general goings on, I don't know if you're acquainted with + a paper called the <i>Penny Patrician</i>? I take it in + regularly, and I assure <i>you</i>—loyal supporter of our + old hereditary institutions as I am—some of the + revelations I read about in high life make me blush—yes, + downright <i>blush</i> for them! [Mrs. HURLINGHAM + <i>retires.</i></p> + + <p><i>Col. S.</i> Do they, though? If I were you I should let + 'em do their own blushin', and save my pennies.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. C.S.</i> (<i>deferentially</i>). No doubt you're + right, Sir, but I <i>like</i> the <i>Patrician</i> + myself—it's very smartly written. Talking of that, do you + happen to know the ins and outs of that marriage of young Lord + GOSLINGTON's? Something very mysterious about the party he's + going to marry—who <i>are</i> her people now?</p> + + <p><i>Col. S.</i> Can't say, I'm sure—no business of + mine, you know.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. C.S.</i> There I venture to think you're wrong, Sir. + It's the business of everybody—the <i>duty</i>, I may + say—to see that the best blood of the nation is + not—(Col. S. <i>turns into the hotel</i>; Mr. C.S. + <i>sits down near</i> CULCH.)—Remarkably superior set of + visitors staying here, Sir! My chief objection to travel always + is, that it brings you in contact with parties you wouldn't + think of associating with at home. I was making that same + remark to a very pleasant little fellow I met on the + steamer—er—Lord UPPERSOLE, I think it was—and + he entirely concurred. Your friend made us + acquainted.—(PODBURY <i>comes out of the + hotel</i>.)—Ah, here <i>is</i> your + friend.—(<i>To</i> PODB.)—Seen his Lordship about + lately, Sir?—Lord UPPERSOLE, I <i>mean</i>, of + course!</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> UPPERSOLE? No—he's over at Cadenabbia, I + believe.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. C.S.</i> A highly agreeable spot to stay at. Indeed, + I've some idea myself of—Exceedingly pleasant person his + Lordship—so affable, so completely the gentleman!</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> Oh, he's affable enough—for a boot-maker. + I always give him a title when I see him, for the joke of the + thing—he likes it.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. C.S.</i> He <i>may</i>, Sir. I consider a title is + not a thing to be treated in that light manner. It—it was + an unpardonable liberty to force me into the society of that + class of person—unpardonable, Sir!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He goes.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> Didn't take much <i>forcing</i>, after he once + heard me call him "Lord UPPERSOLE"! Where are all the others, + eh? Thought we were going up to the Villa Serbelloni this + afternoon.</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> I—er—have not been consulted. Are + they—er—<i>all</i> going?</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>With a shade of anxiety.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> I believe so. You needn't be afraid, you know. + HYPATIA won't have the chance of ragging you now—she and + Miss TROTTER have had a bit of a breeze.</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> I rather gathered as much. I think I could + guess the—</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> Yes, HYPATIA's rather uneasy about poor old + BOB; thinks Miss TROTTER is—well, carrying on, you know. + She is no end of a little flirt—<i>you</i> know that well + enough!—(C. <i>disclaims impatiently</i>.) Here you all + are, eh?—(<i>To</i> Miss P., Miss T., <i>and</i> + BOB.)—Well, who knows the way up to the villa?</p> + + <p><i>Miss T.</i> It's through the town, and up some steps by + the church—you cann't miss it. But Mr. PRENDERGAST is + going to show me a short cut up behind the hotel—aren't + you, Mr. PRENDERGAST?</p> + + <p><i>Miss P.</i> (<i>icily</i>). I really think, dear, it + would be better if we all kept together—for so + <i>many</i> reasons!</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>with alacrity</i>). I agree with Miss + PRENDERGAST. A short cut is invariably the most indirect + route.</p> + + <p><i>Miss P.</i> (<i>with intention</i>). You hear what Mr. + CULCHARD says, my dear MAUD? He advocates direct ways, as best + in the long run.</p> + + <p><i>Miss T.</i> It's only going to be a short run, my love. + But I'm vurry glad to observe that you and Mr. CULCHARD are so + perfectly harmonious, as I'm leaving him on your hands for a + spell. Aren't you ever coming, Mr. PRENDERGAST?</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>She leads him off, a not unwilling captive.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <h4><i>A Path in the Grounds of the Villa Serbelloni.</i></h4> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>considerately, to</i> CULCHARD, <i>who is + following</i> Miss PRENDERGAST <i>and him, in acute + misery</i>). Look here, old fellow, Miss PRENDERGAST would like + to sit down, I know; so don't you bother about keeping with us + if you'd rather <i>not</i>, you know!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[CULCHARD <i>murmurs an inarticulate protest.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Miss P.</i> Surely, Mr. PODBURY, you are aware by this + time that Mr. CULCHARD has a perfect mania for + self-sacrifice!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[CULCHARD <i>drops behind, crushed.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <h4><i>Among the Ruins at the top of the Hill.</i></h4> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>who has managed to overtake</i> Miss T. + <i>and her companion</i>). Now <i>do</i> oblige me by looking + through that gap in the pines towards Lecco. I particularly + wish you to observe the effect of light on those + cliffs—it's well worth your while.</p> + + <p><i>Miss T.</i> Why, certainly, it's a view that does you + infinite credit. Oh, you <i>didn't</i> take any hand in the + arrangement? But ain't you afraid if you go around patting the + scenery on the head this way, you'll have the lake + overflow?</p> + + <p><i>Bob. P.</i> Ha-ha-ha! One in the eye for <i>you</i>, + CULCHARD!</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>with dignity</i>). Surely one may express + a natural enthusiasm without laying oneself open—?</p> + + <p><i>Miss T.</i> Gracious, yes! I should hope you wouldn't + want to show your enthusiasm <i>that</i> way—like a + Japanese nobleman!</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>to himself</i>). Now that's + coarse—<i>really</i> + coarse!—(<i>Aloud.</i>)—I seem to be unable to open + my mouth now without some ridiculous + distortion—</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page269" + id="page269"></a>[pg 269]</span> + + <p><i>Miss T.</i> My!—but that's a serious + symptom—isn't it? You don't feel like you were going to + have lock-jaw, do you, Mr. CULCHARD?</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[CULCHARD <i>falls back to the rear once more. + Later</i>—Mr. VAN BOODELER <i>has joined the + party</i>; HYPATIA <i>has contrived to detach her + brother</i>, CULCHARD <i>has sought refuge with</i> + PODBURY.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Miss T.</i> (<i>to</i> VAN B.). So that's what kept you? + "Well, it sounds just too enchanting. But I cann't answer for + what Miss PRENDERGAST will say to it. It mayn't suit her + notions of propriety.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. Van B.</i> I expect she'll be superior to Britannic + prejudices of that kind. I consider your friend a highly + cultivated and charming lady, MAUD. She produces that + impression upon me.</p> + + <p><i>Miss T.</i> I presume, from that, she has shown an + intelligent interest in the great American novel?</p> + + <p><i>Mr. Van B.</i> Why, yes; it enlists her literary + sympathies—she sees all its possibilities.</p> + + <p><i>Miss T.</i> And they're pretty numerous, too. But here + she comes. You'd better tell her your plan right now.</p> + + <p><i>Miss P.</i> (<i>in an earnest undertone to</i> BOB, <i>as + they approach, followed by</i> CULCH. <i>and</i> BOB). You + <i>must</i> try and be sensible about it, BOB; if <i>you</i> + are too blind to see that she is only—</p> + + <p>BOB (<i>sulkily</i>). All <i>right</i>! Haven't I + <i>said</i> I'd go? What's the good of <i>jawing</i> about + it?</p> + + <p><i>Mr. V.B.</i> (<i>to</i> Miss P.) I've been telling my + cousin I've been organising a little water-party for this + evening—moonlight, mandolins, Menaggio. If you find that + alliteration has any attractions, I hope you and your brother + will do me the pleasure of—</p> + + <p><i>Miss P.</i> I'm afraid not, thanks. We have all our + packing to do. We find we shall have to leave early + to-morrow.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[Van B.'s <i>face falls</i>; BOB <i>listens gloomily + to</i> Miss T.'s <i>rather perfunctory expressions of + regret</i>; PODBURY <i>looks anxious and undecided</i>; + CULCHARD <i>does his best to control an unseemly + joy.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE GOOD NEW "TIMES."</h2> + + <p>Nobody, after visiting Terry's Theatre, can apply to Mr. + PINERO's piece the hackneyed phrase,—used apologetically + by an unconscionable reader after detaining the leading journal + for three-quarters of an hour,—"Oh, there's nothing in + <i>The Times</i>," for, in Mr. PINERO's piece there is plenty + of amusement, if not of absorbing interest.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/269-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/269-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>The story is that of a <i>parvenu</i>, whose sole object in + life, to be recognised by "Society," is thwarted by the + marriage of his good-for-nothing son with the daughter of an + Irish lodging-house keeper. The struggles of <i>Mr. and Mrs. + Bompas</i> to conceal this <i>mésalliance</i>, and the + assistance given them in their difficulties by the <i>Hon. + Montague Trimble</i>, constitute the motive of the play. But + the question that must occur to the critical mind is, "Did the + author mean this piece for high comedy, or farcical comedy?" If + the former, then Mr. TERRY is wrong in his conception of the + part; if the latter, everybody else is wrong in their + conception of their parts.</p> + + <p>It seems to me as if, in the course of rehearsal, the + peculiarities distinguishing the character of <i>Percy Egerton + Bompas, M.P.</i>, had gradually become assimilated with the + individualities of the actor, Mr. EDWARD TERRY. If Mr. PINERO + so meant it, if he so wrote it for Mr. TERRY and for Mr. TERRY + only, then there is nothing more to be said; Mr. PINERO's ideal + is realised. But if the author did <i>not</i> intend Mr. + TERRY's impersonation, then he must be content to sacrifice the + ideal to the real, shrug his shoulders, and pocket his profits. + Yet, as if making an appeal to the public to judge between the + auctorial abstract and the representational concrete, Mr. + PINERO not only publishes his playbook, but sells it in the + theatre. Visitors to TERRY's, who buy the book, will judge the + play by its stage interpretation that has had the advantage of + the author's personal supervision and direction. The + representation, therefore, is either more or less in accordance + with his teaching, or flatly contradicts it.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/269-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/269-2.png" + alt="One or the Leaders in The Times." /></a>One of + the Leaders in <i>The Times</i>. + </div> + + <p>The publication of the book of a comedy in a theatre may be + thankfully received as a present help to the audience, and an + aid to memory afterwards, or it may be considered as a protest + on the part of the author who says, "Here's what I have + written. See how they act it: whether it be farce or comedy, + judge for yourselves. You pay your money, and you take your + choice." Suffice it, then, to record that, on the night of this + deponent's visit, the piece played from eight till past eleven, + and that the audience from first to last was generally amused, + but, I should be inclined to say, particularly disappointed at + the collapse of Mr. TERRY's part in the last Act (the principal + portion of which he passes curled up on a sofa, with the top of + his forehead powdered white! Why?), and mystified by the sudden + and apparently unnecessary revelation, made by <i>Miss + Cazalet</i>, to the effect that <i>Lucy Tuck</i> (a mentally + and physically short-sighted girl) is her illegitimate + daughter; and these two last-named personages, though essential + to the plot, fail unfortunately in rousing any sentiment of + pity or of sympathy.</p> + + <p>Mr. ELLIOT is excellent as the <i>Hon. Montague Trimble</i>; + nothing better, apart from Mr. HARE's eccentric characters, has + been seen on the stage for some considerable time. I hope the + author is of the same opinion. Mr. FRED THORNE is capital as + the Irish Member; and as <i>Mrs. Hooley</i>, an obtrusively + Irish eccentricity of Thackerayan extraction, Miss ALEXES + LEIGHTON is very good, for the character, as drawn by the + author, <i>is</i> obtrusive, and is so meant to be. The <i>Mrs. + Egerton Bompas</i> of Miss FANNY BROUGH is <i>the</i> woman to + the life, and, in my humble judgment, Miss BROUGH's + impersonation is well-nigh faultless. Whether, if the part of + <i>Egerton Bompas</i> were played as high comedy, this would + still improve Miss BROUGH's impersonation of <i>Mrs. Bompas</i> + or not, it is difficult to decide; but I am inclined to think + this would be the result. What does the author think? Most + likely he will continue to "think"; it is the wiser course. Mr. + HENRY V. ESMOND makes the lad, <i>Howard Bompas</i>, + unnecessarily repulsive; but if, in doing so, he is only + exactly carrying out the author's idea, <i>i.e.</i>, "Master's + orders," then he is no longer responsible for the overcharged + colouring. The probable fate of this unhappy pair, an impulsive + uneducated kind of Irish orange-girl married to a contemptible + young sot, is not a pleasant termination to the story, nor is + the anticipatory sadness felt for the future of this + ill-assorted couple in any way dissipated by the stereotyped + and perfunctory offer of marriage made by the young London + Journal Nobleman to the daughter of the utterly crushed snob + just before the Curtain descends.</p> + + <p>Why the piece is called <i>The Times</i>, remains a mystery. + <i>To-day</i> would have been better; that is, if by <i>The + Times</i> is only meant "The Present Day." And if it doesn't + mean this, what meaning has it? For alliterative advertisement + it may be useful; <i>e.g.</i>, "Times at TERRY's." The dialogue + generally is easy, natural and telling.</p> + + <p class="author">Yours,<br /> + PRIVATE BOX.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>FOLLOW THE BARON!</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["Such characters as he should retire into fiction, they + are too exaggerated for real life."—<i>"Times" on Mr. + R.L. Stevenson's Sad Maron of Samou.</i>]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, most excellent true! How I thank thee, great + <i>Times</i>,</p> + + <p class="i2">For teaching that phrase! 'Tis + delicious!</p> + + <p>Fiction! The haunt of mad follies, crass crimes,</p> + + <p class="i2">Fads futile, and tastes meretricious.</p> + + <p>Oh, joy, to transport to that Limbo of Fools,</p> + + <p class="i2">Upon trial and honest conviction,</p> + + <p>The plagues of our Parties, our Churches, our + Schools,</p> + + <p class="i2">Who ought to "retire into Fiction."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When WINDYWHAME, M.P., goes spouting about,</p> + + <p class="i2">His flatulent madness and malice;</p> + + <p>When SLUDGE, after years of dogmatical doubt,</p> + + <p class="i2">Finds Faith's Wonderland worthy of + <i>Alice</i>;</p> + + <p>When POPINJAY airs his effeminate Art,</p> + + <p class="i2">And DOBBS sputters dirt in choice + diction,</p> + + <p>Ye gods, there'd be joy in Church, Forum, and + Mart,</p> + + <p class="i2">If the fools would "retire into + Fiction."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Pragmatical pietists, sceptics obtuse</p> + + <p class="i2">Who Progress impede with crude + cackle,</p> + + <p>Predestinate duffers of prattle profuse,</p> + + <p class="i2">Who the biggest world-problems would + tackle;</p> + + <p>State-quacks, shouting Emperors, queer School-Board + cranks,</p> + + <p class="i2">We'll give you our best benediction,</p> + + <p>And speed you at parting with heartiest thanks,</p> + + <p class="i2">If you'll only—"retire into + Fiction!"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page270" + id="page270"></a>[pg 270]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/270.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/270.png" + alt="EMANCIPATION." /></a> + + <h3>EMANCIPATION.</h3><i>Young Bride of Three Hours' + standing</i> (<i>just starting on her Wedding + Trip</i>).—"OH, EDWIN DEAR! HERE'S '<i>TOM + JONES</i>.' PAPA TOLD ME I WASN'T TO READ IT TILL I WAS + MARRIED! THE DAY HAS COME ... AT LAST! BUY IT FOR ME, EDWIN + DEAR." + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ARMING THE AMAZONS.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Modern Brummagem Version.</i>)</h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[At the meeting (at Birmingham) of the National Union of + Conservative and Constitutional Associations, a resolution + in favour of "considering the claims of women to be + admitted to the franchise when entitled by ownership or + occupation," was carried "by an overwhelming majority, amid + loud cheers." Mrs. FAWCETT afterwards said, "What new + forces were they (the Conservative Party) prepared to bring + against the anarchy, socialism and revolution which were + arrayed against them? The granting of women's suffrage + would be against the disintegrating power of the other + side, as women were everywhere anti-revolutionary + forces.... This would add about 800,000 to the electorate. + They would be, she believed, middle-aged women of property, + than whom she thought they could not assemble more + anti-revolutionary forces."]</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Trojan Leader loquitur</i>:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>To arm the Amazons against the Greeks,</p> + + <p>OVIDIUS hints, proud manhood galls and piques.</p> + + <p>No doubt; yet NASO did it in his day,</p> + + <p>And we, in ours, who, sorely-pressed, would stay</p> + + <p>The rising tide of Revolution, check</p> + + <p>Disintegration, of the claws who'd peck</p> + + <p>At our political sleeves and platform hearts</p> + + <p>Must not be frightened.</p> + + <p class="i4">"Rummiest of starts,"</p> + + <p>The ribald Cockney cries; to see at length,</p> + + <p>"The Tory seeking to recruit his strength</p> + + <p>Prom those he dubbed, in earlier, scornfuller + mood</p> + + <p>The crowing hens, the shrieking sisterhood!"</p> + + <p>Shade of sardonic SMOLLETT, haunt no more</p> + + <p>St. Stephen's precincts; list not to the roar</p> + + <p>Of the mad Midland cheers, when FEILDING's plan</p> + + <p>Of levelling (moneyed) Woman up to Man</p> + + <p>Wins "Constitutional" support and votes</p> + + <p>From a "majority" of Tory throats!</p> + + <p>Mrs. LYNN LINTON, how this vote must vex,</p> + + <p>That caustic censor of her own sweet sex!</p> + + <p>Wild Women—<i>with</i> the Suffrage! Fancy + that,</p> + + <p>O fluent Lady, at tart nick-names pat!</p> + + <p>Girls of the Period? They were bad enough,</p> + + <p>But what a deal of skimble-skamble stuff</p> + + <p>Will Mrs. FAWCETT's Middle-aged Ones talk</p> + + <p>When these eight hundred thousand <i>hens</i> o' the + walk</p> + + <p>Cackle for Order, Purity, and Peace!!!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Partlets <i>may</i> save our Capitol, as geese</p> + + <p>Once did the Roman; nigh a million—JUNOS,</p> + + <p>Roll back the tide of Revolution. Who knows?</p> + + <p>Not PRIAM-SALISBURY. Does <i>he</i> look askance</p> + + <p>At the new Amazonian Queen's advance?</p> + + <p>Does he hide apprehension with a smile?</p> + + <p>The Amazons are used to Grecian guile;</p> + + <p>ACHILLES-GLADSTONE sorely they mistrust.</p> + + <p>Which side will give them more than fain it + must?</p> + + <p>To-day the Trojans show the friendlier front</p> + + <p>PENTHESILEA, whom the Greeks would shunt,</p> + + <p>Proffers her aid to Tory Troy, to keep</p> + + <p>High Ilium against the foes who creep</p> + + <p>Nearer and nearer to its sacred walls.</p> + + <p>ACHILLES o'er the trenches loudly calls,</p> + + <p>In menace fierce, thrasonic in his boast,</p> + + <p>His Myrmidons, a mad and motley host,</p> + + <p>Mean boundless mischief, the Palladium's gone</p> + + <p>If they are not repulsed. It <i>must</i> be + done,</p> + + <p>Come what, come will. PRIAM has trimmed his + sails</p> + + <p>To popular winds until the pilot fails</p> + + <p>To know the old and carefully charted course.</p> + + <p>His wisdom, and brave ARTHUR-HECTOR's force,</p> + + <p>May yet prove vain if no auxiliar hand</p> + + <p>Help yon Anarchic legions to withstand.</p> + + <p>The Amazonian host? Aha! Well hit!</p> + + <p>Scruple to take she-helping? Not a bit</p> + + <p>Too late for proud punctilio. No, this Queen</p> + + <p>Is not so lovely, of such royal mien,</p> + + <p>As hers who witched ACHILLES e'en in death.</p> + + <p>An elderly Amazon of shortish breath,</p> + + <p>With gingham huge and gig-lamps, though she hold</p> + + <p>That "Property" buckler broad and bossed with + gold</p> + + <p>Is scarce a Siren—of the ancient style;</p> + + <p>More of Minerva's frown than Venus' smile!</p> + + <p>But then, eight hundred thousand!!! There's the + rub.</p> + + <p>Recruited from the Platform and the Tub,</p> + + <p>With Middle-aged and Propertied Amazons,</p> + + <p>Ilium may master e'en the Myrmidons.</p> + + <p>Come, anti-revolutionaries, come!</p> + + <p>Strike Anarchy dead, and Socialism dumb!</p> + + <p>Accept new arms, ye maiden cohorts! Take</p> + + <p>The weapon that shall make ACHILLES shake,</p> + + <p>And reinforce, against the wiles of Greece,</p> + + <p>The powers of Property, Privilege, and Peace!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>OPTIMISM.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"All's for the best," smirks fatuous DIVES. He</p> + + <p><i>Means</i>, "I'm the best, and therefore all's for + <i>me</i>."</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page271" + id="page271"></a>[pg 271]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/271.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/271.png" + alt="ARMING THE AMAZONS." /></a> + + <h3>ARMING THE AMAZONS.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>PRIAM (<i>loquitur</i>). "ACCEPT NEW ARMS, YE + MAIDEN COHORTS! TAKE</p> + + <p class="i10">THE WEAPON THAT SHALL MAKE ACHILLES + SHAKE,</p> + + <p class="i10">AND REINFORCE, AGAINST THE WILES OF + GREECE,</p> + + <p class="i10">THE POWERS OF PROPERTY, PRIVILEGE, + AND PEACE!"</p> + </div> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page273" + id="page273"></a>[pg 273]</span> + + <h2>ONLY FANCY!</h2> + + <p>We understand that Mr. GLADSTONE has followed, with much + interest, the speeches delivered in the country last week, and + was observed to be visibly affected at the touching spectacle + of the final reconciliation of Lord SALISBURY and Mr. + CHAMBERLAIN at Birmingham. "They toil not, neither do they + spin," he said, furtively wiping away a tear; "nevertheless, + they seem made for each other's company."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:35%;"> + <a href="images/273.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/273.png" + alt="'A Fantasy of Disordered Imagination.'" /></a>"A + Fantasy of Disordered Imagination." + </div> + + <p>The Right Hon. Gentleman will take his turn next week, and a + report is current in interested quarters, that he as gone into + training under the personal direction of Sir WILLIAM HARCOURT + and Mr. JOHN MORLEY, who assist to support him whilst he + rehearses his speech. This is a fantasy of disordered + imagination. Mr. G. is in splendid form, spoiling for a + fight.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A trustworthy Correspondent informs us that, owing to + accidental displacement of his notes, a telling point was + omitted from Lord SALISBURY's first speech at Birmingham. It + was intended to come in at the passage where the PREMIER boldly + flouted apprehension, of Ministerial disaster at the General + Election. He had meant to cite Mr. JACKSON's appointment as + conclusive proof that the Government would exist at least up to + the year 1900.</p> + + <p>"SHAKSPEARE," he should have said, "has written, 'a tanner + will last you nine year,' and of course the duration of the + Government will be co-incidental with the prolongation of the + term of our Financial Secretary to the Treasury, withdrawn from + commercial pursuits at Leeds."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>HERR VON DER BLOWITZOWN-TROMP has some interesting + reminiscences of the lamented Baron MAC HINERY. "When he was + appointed Legate at the Court of the Isle of Man," writes the + great historian of our times, "he dined with me in passing + through Nanterre. It was the very day the Marquis DE MOULIN had + been elected Pompier. The other guests were, His Excellency the + CON OF CRIM TARTARY, Prince ALLEZ-VOUS-EN, His Excellency the + VICUNA of BRAZIL, the SANDWICH AMBASSADOR, the DOGE of VENICE, + and the Baron MUNCHAUSEN, who was a kind of amateur partner of + mine, in whom I had much confidence—I always left him + with my day's correspondence ready to be committed to paper. In + the course of the dinner a stupid <i>garçon</i>, handing the + ice round, dropped a small piece down the back of the neck of + the DOGE of VENICE. With great presence of mind Baron + MUNCHAUSEN seized the poker (which fortunately happened to be + in the fire), and, with inimitable dexterity, passed the + red-hot brand between the DOGE's shirt-collar and his neck, + and, deftly touching the piece of ice, melted it. It was an + awkward moment. The canned lobster was just served, but no one + thought of eating it. The CON of CRIM TARTARY turning to Baron + MAC HINERY, said,—</p> + + <p>"You, my Lord, who are disinterested in this matter, tell us + what you think of it."</p> + + <p>"I think," replied the Baron, with admirable + <i>sangfroid</i>, "his Highness the DOGE would have felt better + if the ice had been warmer, and the poker cooler."</p> + + <p>Everybody laughed. The DOGE and Baron MUNCHAUSEN shook + hands, and the dinner ended gaily.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>RYMOND, writing <i>lui-même</i> with too infrequent pen, + makes pathetic reference to the death of "one of the largest + and best known purveyors of Rhine wine, with whom I have had + business relations and personal intercourse for nearly thirty + years." There is, we need hardly say, no basis for the + insinuation thrown out by HENED that the business relations + referred to were of the commission order sometimes established + between purveyors of Rhine and other wines and gentlemen who + have a wide circle of friends.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THEORY AND PRACTICE.</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>Interior of a First-class Railway + Carriage. Theoretical Passenger and Practical Passenger + discussing the "Unreadiness of England."</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Theoretical Passenger</i> (<i>at the conclusion of a long + account of the national shortcomings</i>). Yes, my dear Sir, + France has only to declare war to-morrow, and we are completely + ruined! We cease to exist as a nation!</p> + + <p><i>Practical Passenger</i> (<i>with a smile</i>). But hasn't + this been said about us—by ourselves—for any number + of years?</p> + + <p><i>Theo. Pas.</i> Doubtless, but that does not make it the + less true.</p> + + <p><i>Prac. Pas.</i> Possibly; still, it is encouraging to find + that we <i>do</i> exist in spite of the "temptation to belong + to other nations."</p> + + <p><i>Theo. Pas.</i> (<i>annoyed</i>). Ah! you treat the matter + with levity; but I assure you it is a most serious thing! How + would you like to be bombarded?</p> + + <p><i>Prac. Pas.</i> Not at all. The more especially as it + would be a great expense to the enemy.</p> + + <p><i>Theo. Pas.</i> (<i>with dignified resentment</i>). I see + you consider the subject a proper topic for raillery! It is a + very fine day!</p> + + <p><i>Prac. Pas.</i> (<i>in a conciliatory tone</i>). No, no, I + can assure you I am deeply interested. But how about our + Fleet—surely that should protect us?</p> + + <p><i>Theo. Pas.</i> You must be very much behind the age to + say so. Our Fleet is practically valueless. It is perfectly + easy to invade us at a dozen places. If the French went to + Ireland (as they did in the last century), the conquest of + England would be assured. They would (with the assistance of a + friendly peasantry), get their supplies and make good their + footing.</p> + + <p><i>Prac. Pas.</i> But how about our Army?</p> + + <p><i>Theo. Pas.</i> A farce! An expensive farce. We have no + Regulars, the Militia exists only on paper, and the Volunteers + are valueless.</p> + + <p><i>Prac. Pas.</i> Then why not have a + Conscription—that would bring up our Army with a run?</p> + + <p><i>Theo. Pas.</i> A Conscription! My dear Sir, the nation + wouldn't think of such a thing! No, not for a single + moment!</p> + + <p><i>Prac. Pas.</i> (<i>after a pause</i>). Well, what is to + be done?</p> + + <p><i>Theo. Pas.</i> (<i>promptly</i>). Nothing, except to + write to the papers and submit to our fate.</p> + + <p><i>Prac. Pas.</i> Is there any objection to the construction + of the Channel Tunnel?</p> + + <p><i>Theo. Pas.</i> (<i>carelessly</i>). None in the + least—but why do you ask?</p> + + <p><i>Prac. Pas.</i> Because, if in the case of war, the entire + French nation pours into England;—as you say it will?</p> + + <p><i>Theo. Pas.</i> Certainly.</p> + + <p><i>Prac. Pas.</i> The best thing we can do is to utilise the + Tunnel, pour into France, and stay there! It will be only + changing sides!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Conversation interrupted by whistle, and consequent + rattle and darkness.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE SPHINX AND THE STICK.</h2> + + <h4><i>A Song wherein is suggested a suitable Subject for an + Ibsenite Tragedy.</i></h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[Sir JAMES CRICHTON-BROWNE thinks that "the reserve and + suppression of emotional movement which is observed in + English people" will probably result in all the women + becoming sphinxes, and all the men sticks.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Oh! do wag your head!" said the Sphinx to the + Stick.</p> + + <p>"I <i>can't</i>," he replied, "or I would, darling, + quick!</p> + + <p>If you'll only indulge in a shrug and some + winks,</p> + + <p>You'll perhaps set <i>me</i> off," said the Stick to + the Sphinx.</p> + + <p>"Nay, long 'inhibition,'" the Sphinx made reply,</p> + + <p>"Has imparted rigidity, love, to my eye."</p> + + <p>"'Emotional movement' no longer is mine,"</p> + + <p>Sighed the Stick to the Sphinx; "though I greatly + incline</p> + + <p>To a dig in your ribs, or a slap on your back</p> + + <p>(As a sign of my love), all my muscles are + slack.</p> + + <p>My poor 'motor-centres' are all out of gear,</p> + + <p>And I can't even 'chuck' your soft chin, sweet, I + fear.</p> + + <p>I'm sure such a stolid inflexible 'stick' you'll + hate,</p> + + <p>But, though I adore you, I <i>cannot</i> + gesticulate—"</p> + + <p>"My case is as bad," sighed the Sphinx to the + Stick,</p> + + <p>"For I cannot 'bridle'—no more than a + brick."</p> + + <p>Said the Stick to the Sphinx, "Ah, we once knew what + love meant!</p> + + <p>But, thanks to the loss of 'emotional movement,'</p> + + <p>We can't give it 'graceful and chastened + expression,'</p> + + <p>And so it seems slipping fast out of possession.</p> + + <p>Heigho! we had far better die, darling, quick!</p> + + <p>Since you are a Sphinx, love, and I'm but a + Stick!"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>VERY LIKELY—JUST NOW.—A place to spend a Quiet + Sunday—Eastbourne.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page274" + id="page274"></a>[pg 274]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/274.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/274.png" + alt="MR. PUNCH ON TOUR IN YORKSHIRE." /></a> + + <h3>MR. PUNCH ON TOUR IN YORKSHIRE.</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page275" + id="page275"></a>[pg 275]</span> + + <h2>"ON THE HYP"-NOTIST.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Fragment from a Romance purely imaginary and yet to be + written.</i>)</h4> + + <p>The <i>Savants</i> were gathered together to consider the + question of Hypnotism. They had been appointed by a learned + Association, and their Hon. Secretary had distinguished himself + by writing a letter, which if eccentric in punctuation, was yet + to the point.</p> + + <p>"We must not forget, Gentlemen," said one of the learned + persons, "that we have been appointed to investigate the use of + Hypnotism as a therapeutic agent. It will be our duty to + ascertain, if it is possible, that operations can be performed + under the shield of its anæsthesia."</p> + + <p>"You are indeed right," replied another, "and it is + fortunate in one sense that we have not had the advantage of + greeting at our board, Doctor OWEN COLEMAN of Dunedin, + Surbiton."</p> + + <p>"Why so?" asked a third.</p> + + <p>"Because," returned <i>Savant</i> No. 2, "that distinguished + Member of the Medical Profession can give instances of + successful treatment under the prescribed circumstances. For + instance, JULES CLOQUET, as early as 1845 was using Hypnotism + in the cause of painless surgery. However, our pleasant little + gathering can do no harm."</p> + + <p>"Perhaps not," acquiesced <i>Savant</i> No. 3. "Although it + is only right to remark that had we had Dr. COLEMAN's + knowledge, we should have possibly considered it <i>qua</i> + Committee a trifle superfluous."</p> + + <p>"Do you not think we ought to visit the Aquarium?" asked the + first speaker. "I am told that there is a Hypnotist who appears + there twice a-day, and whose exhibition, from a scientific + point of view, should be decidedly interesting."</p> + + <p>After this there was a speedy departure, and for some hours + the Committee lounged about the Aquarium, They there saw a + female acrobat of great strength. Then they paid a visit to the + Alhambra, where they met a pleasant young lady, who, seemingly + without any assistance, lifted four or five bulky gentlemen + seated on a chair. This she did without any exertion and with a + smiling countenance. On their return to their private room, + they seemed somewhat hostile to the pretensions of the + Hypnotist, whose feats they had just witnessed—they + preferred to his performances the feats of the Magnetic + Lady.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/275-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/275-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>"Quite a mistake," said one; "instead of taking off a leg, + or showing the strength of a billiard cue, he makes men believe + that they are swimming in a tank!"</p> + + <p>"Very undignified," remarked another; "it would have been so + much better had he performed a surgical operation—say, + setting a compound fracture of the leg, like that performed by + two medical men in 1845; and more interesting to the vast + majority of the audience."</p> + + <p>"But the Alhambra was excellent," was the reply. "Suppose we + send to our Committee a Report of the 'Magnetic Lady' and + ignore the Hypnotist?"</p> + + <p>And so it was decided, and it was time to write their + Report. Then pens, ink, and paper were produced, and the + <i>Savants</i> prepared for work. They had scarcely commenced, + when a gentleman stood in their midst, and glared at them. He + gave them each a disc, and commanded them to gaze upon its + surface. Then, one by one, they fell over fast asleep. He + placed them back in their chairs.</p> + + <p>"Now for your Report," he murmured. "And so you would ignore + <i>my</i> show and praise another! But you are in my power, and + <i>shall</i> obey me! Write what I dictate!" And so they wrote. + And, strange as it may appear to non-believers in Hypnotism, + the Report, when published, was found to be an excellent + advertisement for the Royal Westminster Aquarium!</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/275-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/275-1.png" + alt="SENILE FELINE AMENITIES." /></a> + + <h3>SENILE FELINE AMENITIES.</h3> + + <p>"WELL, GOOD AFTERNOON—I'M GOING TO CALL ON MY + MOTHER!"</p> + + <p>"WHAT! YOU DON'T MEAN TO SAY YOU'VE GOT A MOTHER + <i>LIVING</i>?"</p> + + <p>"OH YES—AND SHE DON'T LOOK A BIT OLDER THAN + <i>YOU</i> DO—I ASSURE YOU!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR FINANCIAL COLUMN.</h2> + + <p class="author"><i>Orl Court, E.C.<a id="footnotetag2" + name="footnotetag2"></a><a href="#footnote2"><sup>2</sup></a></i></p> + + <p>I am preparing a big <i>coup</i>, and wish all my friends to + be in it. My friends are legion, it is true, but they may + depend upon me to do the best for all. Nothing on the gigantic + scale I am now preparing has been seen or heard of in the + Financial World since the days of the Flood, when NOAH's + floating capital weathered the storm. What was the stock worth + when Father NOAH once again touched land? Expect the biggest + result ever known. I may be sanguine. I have the right to be + so.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/275-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/275-3.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>"PONY."—Yes. Buy A. and C.N.B.—Invest big cheque + with yours truly. The only safe and profitable investment.</p> + + <p>"D.A.H."—Don't you do it, or you'll be H.A.D. Send + cheques here. Strict account kept, and gains delivered in cash + by special messenger.</p> + + <p>"A HESITATER."—Don't doubt for a moment. Sell + everything right off, and invest proceeds by cheque with your + friend."</p> + + <p>"A.S.S."—The Dividend days of the "<i>Ex-Nihilo-Fit + Loan and Insurance Company</i> are April 1, up to mid-day, and + September 31.</p> + + <p>So much for some of the principal Correspondents who require + an answer in my weekly article. As for myself, I can only say + that my motto is, "<i>Confidentia Illimitata et Nulla Pecunia + redditur</i>." Within the last month the gross earnings of the + office on behalf of my clients has been £12,345,678,910 which + compares favourably with the previous month. Every penny of + this, equal to 50 per cent. profit to every one of my clients, + will be distributed within a week with a handsome bonus of + twenty-five pounds to everyone sending in his coupon or cheque + for fifteen sovereigns by twelve o'clock next Tuesday, after + which hour it is impossible for any one, be he who he may, from + Kaiser to Chimney-sweeper, to participate in the enormous + profit which will have been honestly earned by</p> + + <p class="author">Yours truly,<br /> + CROESUS.</p> + + <blockquote class="footnote"> + <a id="footnote2" + name="footnote2"></a><b>Footnote 2:</b> + <a href="#footnotetag2">(return)</a> + + <p>N.B.—Note change of address.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <p>SHORTLY TO APPEAR.—<i>A Morning without Boots</i>, by + the Author of <i>A Knight without Spurs</i>.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page276" + id="page276"></a>[pg 276]</span> + + <h2>POPULAR SONGS RE-SUNG;</h2> + + <h3>OR, MISS BOWDLER AT THE MUSIC HALLS.</h3> + + <h3>No. III.—THE SPOOKS IN THE SQUARE.</h3> + + <h4>AIR—"<i>The Goblins in the Churchyard</i>."</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I went down to the Psychical Society one night,</p> + + <p>And heard them talk of Spooks and things that filled + me with affright.</p> + + <p>The Psychical Society, as every member boasts,</p> + + <p>Was founded with the object of investigating + Ghosts!</p> + + <p>Now Ghosts, the modern species, are of very various + sorts,</p> + + <p>For like some plants, as botanists say, they seem to + run to "sports."</p> + + <p>I used to think a spectre <i>was</i> a spectre, but + I find</p> + + <p>The "Psychical" can furnish Spooks of every class + and kind.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <h4><i>Chorus.</i></h4> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/276.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/276.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Some of the Ghosts are little, some of the Ghosts + are big,</p> + + <p>Some come in the guise of a headless man, and some + of a spectre pig.</p> + + <p>Some of them laugh "Ha! ha!" Some of them wail + "Heigho!"</p> + + <p>And I felt that night in a doose of a fright before + it was time to go.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I had read <i>Phantasmagoria</i> by that writer + quaint but grand,</p> + + <p>Who penned <i>The Hunting of the Snark</i> and + <i>Alice in Wonderland</i>.</p> + + <p>And I thought I knew a thing or two, or might be + even three,</p> + + <p>About a Ghoul, and a Fay or Troll, and a Brownie or + Banshee.</p> + + <p>I knew that a Banshee always howled, whilst a Goblin + might but yawn,</p> + + <p>I also knew that a Poltergeist was <i>not</i> a + Leprechaun,</p> + + <p>But the Psychicals, I'm bound to say, had me on + "buttered toastes"</p> + + <p>With the wonderful changes which they rang on the + good old Churchyard "Ghostes."</p> + </div> + </div> + + <h4><i>Chorus.</i></h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Some of their Ghosts were sages, some of them seemed + sheer noddies;</p> + + <p>Some of the same like a "Wandering Flame," and + others as "Astral Bodies."</p> + + <p>Some of theirs croaked "Ha! ha!" some of them + chuckled "Ho! ho!"</p> + + <p>And I got so sad, I was heartily glad when I found + it was time to go.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I dropped into the "Rose and Crown," a highly + respectable tavern,</p> + + <p>For Ghosts are dry, and my thirst was high, my + throat like a chalky cavern.</p> + + <p>I didn't have much, only four of cold Scotch, which + is good to moisten chalk.</p> + + <p>The night was fine, it was twelve twenty-nine, so I + thought I might just as well walk.</p> + + <p>But when I entered Trafalgar Square, I heard a + mysterious sound;</p> + + <p>There was not even a Bobby in sight as I stole a + glance around;</p> + + <p>But seated on NELSON's lions four, and perched on + the neighbouring "posteses,"</p> + + <p>I saw, as we said in our Nursery Rhyme, a dozen or + so of "Ghosteses"!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <h4><i>Chorus.</i></h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Some of the Ghosts were short, some of the Ghosts + were tall,</p> + + <p>Some of them had most preposterous noddles, and some + of them none at all,</p> + + <p>They all gave a shrill "Ha! ha!" they all gave a + hushed "Ho! ho!"</p> + + <p>I turned in a fright and I wished 'em good + night—but they would not let me go!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Then one of the Ghosts began to speak; down on my + knees I sank,</p> + + <p>"I am a Nobleman's Ghost," said he, "and mine + offence is Rank!</p> + + <p>I never cared for the Common Herd, the People I + loved to crush;</p> + + <p>My only remark on the Poor was 'Pooh!' my retort to + the Toilers 'Tush!'</p> + + <p>And if they dared to grumble, why, I used to raise + my rents,</p> + + <p>For I always held that the Mob were made to keep up + the Cent-per-cents,</p> + + <p>And now in this Square I hear BURNS's blare, see the + Red Banner wave,</p> + + <p>And Society swished by the Socialist; so I cannot + rest in my grave."</p> + </div> + </div> + + <h4><i>Chorus.</i></h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Another Ghost commenced. He said: "I was a great + R.A.</p> + + <p>(I remember the time when we used to meet in "the + pepper-pots," over the way),</p> + + <p>My daubs were always hung on the line, for ourselves + we used to judge,</p> + + <p>Our sole Ideal conventional cant, our + <i>technique</i> broad brown smudge.</p> + + <p>And now BURNE JONES's pictures + <i>sell</i>!!!"—here he writhed with a spectral + twist—</p> + + <p>"And our 'broad brown smudge' gives way to the fudge + cranks call 'Impressionist.'</p> + + <p>I've lost my head, as perhaps you mark—though + I keep a ventriloquist tongue.</p> + + <p>What's the use of a head to an Artist Ghost, who has + never a chance to be hung?"</p> + </div> + </div> + + <h4><i>Chorus</i>—Some of the Ghosts, &c.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A Lawyer's Ghost wept on his post, and then began to + state</p> + + <p>That the Revolution of Sixty-eight—he meant of + Six-<i>and</i>-eight—</p> + + <p>For the abolition of needless fees, and the stopping + of useless jaw,</p> + + <p>Had capped the murder of Privilege by the massacre + of Law:</p> + + <p>Order, this Spook went on to state, was the prey of + police—less prank,</p> + + <p>All the real jam of life was lost with the abolition + of Rank.</p> + + <p>Here he wept! Ah! <i>can</i> there be a sight a + pitiful breast to thrill</p> + + <p>Like the Ghost of a Lawyer dropping a tear o'er the + Ghost of a Lawyer's Bill?</p> + </div> + </div> + + <h4><i>Chorus</i>—Some of the Ghosts, &c.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I woke. A pain possessed my head. The gathered + Ghosts were gone,</p> + + <p>And I lay there in Trafalgar Square, on a cold stone + alone.</p> + + <p>I seemed to hear a wailing cry, a whisper on the + breeze,</p> + + <p>Which said, in accents I well knew, "<i>Now then, + Time, Gentlemen, please</i>!"</p> + + <p>It may have been the warning to recall those vagrant + Ghosts</p> + + <p>To —— wheresoever they abide, poor + pallid spectral hosts!</p> + + <p>What it all meant I cannot tell, but this at least I + know,</p> + + <p>To that Psychical Society no more at night I'll + go!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <h4><i>Chorus.</i></h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Some of the Ghosts did goggle, some of the Spooks + did stare,</p> + + <p>But there they sat in a spectral row round "the + Squirts" in Trafalgar Square.</p> + + <p>They all gave a loud "Ha! ha!" they all gave a loud + "Ho! ho!"</p> + + <p>And I turned and fled, and got home to bed as the + rooster began to crow!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>THE NAKED TRUTH.—Our old friend, Mrs. RAMSBOTHAM, was + reading, the other day, a letter in the <i>Times</i> about + "Electrical Tramways," when she came upon a line stating that + "two naked conductors" would be used. Much shocked, she was + about to look at something else in the paper when she noticed + that "one of the conductors was to be carried on poles," and + another to be "laid rigid between the rails!" Horrified at this + apparent brutality, the worthy lady has been writing letters + (in draft) to the Commissioner of Police ever since!</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>A Friendly Tip to the Fighting Factions.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Recrimination is vexation,</p> + + <p class="i2">Sedition is as bad;</p> + + <p>Home Rule the-o-ry much puzzles J.B.</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>Such</i> practice proves <i>you</i> + mad!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>A TIMELY SUGGESTION.—Commenting upon the exceptionally + bad case of the Rev. Mr. CLUTTERBUCK last week, the + <i>Times</i> asks if something cannot be done to put down + betting by turf-agencies, and stock-exchange gambling per + "bucket-shops." We regret our inability to suggest an immediate + remedy, but, as a warning and a reminder, let the last-named + institutions be called "Clutterbucket-shops."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14122 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/14122-h/images/265-1.png b/14122-h/images/265-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..afd2acc --- /dev/null +++ b/14122-h/images/265-1.png diff --git a/14122-h/images/265-2.png b/14122-h/images/265-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e547b93 --- /dev/null +++ b/14122-h/images/265-2.png diff --git a/14122-h/images/266.png b/14122-h/images/266.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e95db23 --- /dev/null +++ b/14122-h/images/266.png diff --git a/14122-h/images/267-1.png b/14122-h/images/267-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..731431c --- /dev/null +++ b/14122-h/images/267-1.png diff --git a/14122-h/images/267-2.png b/14122-h/images/267-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..1a5c9bc --- /dev/null +++ b/14122-h/images/267-2.png diff --git a/14122-h/images/268.png b/14122-h/images/268.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..0e0f2a7 --- /dev/null +++ b/14122-h/images/268.png diff --git a/14122-h/images/269-1.png b/14122-h/images/269-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e5d7219 --- /dev/null +++ b/14122-h/images/269-1.png diff --git a/14122-h/images/269-2.png b/14122-h/images/269-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..671be0f --- /dev/null +++ b/14122-h/images/269-2.png diff --git a/14122-h/images/270.png b/14122-h/images/270.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7d155fa --- /dev/null +++ b/14122-h/images/270.png diff --git a/14122-h/images/271.png b/14122-h/images/271.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..28a61d9 --- /dev/null +++ b/14122-h/images/271.png diff --git a/14122-h/images/273.png b/14122-h/images/273.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5f31b7d --- /dev/null +++ b/14122-h/images/273.png diff --git a/14122-h/images/274.png b/14122-h/images/274.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..306d56f --- /dev/null +++ b/14122-h/images/274.png diff --git a/14122-h/images/275-1.png b/14122-h/images/275-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..10c12e4 --- /dev/null +++ b/14122-h/images/275-1.png diff --git a/14122-h/images/275-2.png b/14122-h/images/275-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..cef7710 --- /dev/null +++ b/14122-h/images/275-2.png diff --git a/14122-h/images/275-3.png b/14122-h/images/275-3.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5174120 --- /dev/null +++ b/14122-h/images/275-3.png diff --git a/14122-h/images/276.png b/14122-h/images/276.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4d2d54c --- /dev/null +++ b/14122-h/images/276.png diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..0e0ed4e --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #14122 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/14122) diff --git a/old/14122-8.txt b/old/14122-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..cb58f5f --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14122-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1691 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101, +December 5, 1891, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101, December 5, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 22, 2004 [EBook #14122] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 101. + + + +December 5, 1891. + + + + +QUITE FABULOUS! + +(_A STORY OF THE TIMES, DEDICATED TO PROFESSOR MUNRO._) + +KING COLE, although described as a "merry old soul," was in reality +a tyrant. He had a number of subjects who used to work underground, +and their labour was to bring to the surface the black diamonds of +the earth. It was not altogether a pleasant occupation, but still, +the task had to be accomplished. His Majesty was fond of ferocious +practical jokes, and perchance this may have been the origin of +the jocular description attached to his name. One day, some of his +subjects complained that their hours of labour were too many. + +"How long do you work?" asked the King. + +"May it please you, Sire, sixteen," was the reply. + +"Try what you can do with twelve," and they were about to depart +rejoicing, when the Monarch called them back and added, "But mind you, +I shall expect just as many black diamonds to be unearthed as before." + +So the King's subjects worked only twelve hours, and strange to say, +quite as many black diamonds were produced as in the olden days. Then +the workmen began to grumble once more, and the King again interviewed +them. + +"Do you still work twelve hours?" he asked the deputation. + +"Certainly, Your Majesty; but we think half would be quite enough," +returned the spokesman. + +"By all means--why not make it three hours?" and again his subjects +were departing, rejoicing, when once more he added, "But I shall +expect just the same output as before." + +And he got it, for the men worked harder than ever. And then they +came yet again to him. Once more they considered the hours of labour +excessive. They thought sixty minutes plenty. + +"So do I," replied the Monarch, "not only plenty, but too many. But +as it is scarcely worth while employing you only half an hour a day, +I shall make other arrangements." + +And from that time forth he brought up his black diamonds from the +centre of the earth by machinery! + + * * * * * + +NOT "HALF A CHAP."--A well-known Clergyman, who "does nothing by +halves." i.e., Dean HOLE. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "WHEN A MAN DOES NOT LOOK HIS BEST."--NO. 4. + +WHEN HE JUST BEGINS TO REALISE WHAT A SUFFERING HE WOULD HAVE SAVED +HIMSELF, IF HE HAD ONLY HAD THE _COURAGE_ TO SAY "_MEDIUM_" INSTEAD OF +"HARD."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration: The Baron's Retainers, Mesdames Blythe and Gay, giving +him the results of their readings.] + +In the Christmas Numbers of the numerous picture-papers it is at first +rather difficult to discover which is the genuine article illustrated, +and which the advertisement, likewise illustrated. In the outside +picture of the Christmas Number of _The Penny Illustrated Paper_, +which represents a couple dancing together, I am not yet quite sure +that the handsome Hebraic gentleman, dancing with a fair Anglo-Saxon +girl, is not assuring his frightened-looking partner that "Epps's +Cocoa is Grateful--Comforting," as stated in the paragraph immediately +beneath the aforesaid picture. On the next page is a sad illustration +entitled, "The Curse of Revenge. Lost to Human Aid." which turns out +to be not a Christmas story at all, but an advertisement for Fruit +Salt. Then opposite this commences a story by GEORGE R. SIMS; and at +the foot of this page some one replies, "Mr. DOOLAN! There's no one +of that name here now, Sir." Whereupon, being interested, the reader +turns over page 1 to find at the head of page 2, not the continuation +of the above interesting story in the shape of some remark on the part +of the inquirer, nor any account of what happened after this reply +had been given, but simply "Benson's Watches" followed by "Fry's +Chocolate," then a picture (not an advertisement) facing that, and +then on page 4 the remainder of the dialogue. It doesn't much matter +perhaps, as the excitement aroused by the story is not violent, and +the mistake of giving somebody else's card for your own does not occur +here for the first time as the motive of a plot. CUTHBERT BEDE's name +is to a "Christmas Carol," and Mr. JOHN LATEY's to a dramatically told +tale called "Mark Temple's Trial," in which the imaginary heroine +pays a visit to a very real person of the name of Madame KATTI +LANNER, whose pupils are represented as all assembled, with bouquets +and posies, to do honour to the birthday of their "well-loved +mistress," who is at the same time, "the acknowledged mistress of the +choreographic art." In this story, the author is to be complimented +on his invention of the name, "Lord Morgagemore" as an ancient looking +and highly aristocratic Irish title. + +"Up to any game at Christmas, if it's not too high," says the Baron +of Hampershire, who detests all game that is lofty, but is glad to +welcome a Shakspearian Revival by MYERS & Co. in the shape of a _Nine +Men's Morris_, a title the Baron recommends to the notice of Mr. +WILLIAM MORRIS, yclept "BILLY," when he is making another bouquet of +poesies. By the way, BIM BROS.' Almanac Cards, one of the Baron's +Lady Helps describes as "decidedly dainty." Christmas is specially a +card-playing season, a time of _Pax_ to everybody. + +From the _Gordon Stables_ of HUTCHINSON & Co. issues the nightmare +tale of _The Cruise in the Crystal Boat_; when finished, try their +_Family Difficulty_, by SARAH DOUDNEY. Send to the Deanery of DEAN AND +SON, ask for _Baby's Biography_ and _The Little One's Own Beehive_. +The Spindleside department of the Baron's Booking-Office recommends +both the above for the Tiny Trots; while the Spearside tells the +boys to go in for MANVILLE FENN's _Burr Junior_ and Mrs. R. LEE's +_Adventures in Australia_. Then for all-comers, procure BEATRICE +HARRADEN's _New Book of Fairies_, for, our "Co." thus puts it, "This +is all concerning those poor little Fairies, about whom no one takes +any trouble, and who are left out in the cold at Christmas time." +Thus for this week conclude the duties of Mesdames BLYTHE and GAY, +the Baron's Lady Assistant Perusers. "I trust my gentle Public will +benefit by their advice," quoth, + +Theirs truly, + +THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +"NOW YOU'RE QUITE THE GENTLEMAN!" + +(_A BALLAD OF BIRMINGHAM._) + + ["You will not find an alliance in which the weaker side has + been so loyal, so straight, so single-hearted, so patriotic + as the Liberal Unionists have been during the last five + years.... Birmingham is the centre, the consecration of this + alliance."--_Lord Salisbury at Birmingham._ + + "Now I neither look for nor desire reunion" (with the + Gladstonian Liberals.)--_Mr. Chamberlain at Birmingham._] + +[Illustration] + +AIR--"_YE GENTLEMEN OF ENGLAND_."[1] + + Ye Gentlemen of England, + Who follow SALIS-BU-RY, + How little did you count upon + Assistance from J.C.! + Give ear unto his speeches old, + And they will plainly show + Once he'd scorn to be borne + Where the Tory breezes blow, + Where the Lilies and Primroses bloom, + And the Tory zephyrs blow. + + If once he did oppose you, + To-day he is at war + With GLADSTONE and his Items. + Faith, JOE has travelled far! + The Primrose Dames shall teach him + True patriot "form" to know. + He is leal, and will kneel + To the "Lilies" in fair row; + To the pretty, winsome Primrose girls, + Who buttonhole Brum JOE. + + Ye Gentlemen of England, + Whom once he did deride, + How safe ye are, and how serene, + With JOSEPH on your side. + He talks no more of "Ransom" + ('Tis P-e-n-s-i-o-n rather now), + Brum JOE will not go + Where the Hawarden winds do blow; + Where HARCOURT thunders loud and long, + And Gladstonians blare and blow. + + The Orchid from his button + JOE's willing to displace, + To take the Primrose posy + That's proffered by Her Grace. + O gentle dame and dainty, + What man could answer "No!" + As you prest to his breast + The most blessed flowers that blow, + The blossoms loved by BEACONSFIELD + The bravest blooms that blow? + + O (Brummagem) Tory Beauty, + 'Tis yours to consecrate + The holiest Alliance + Our land hath seen of late. + Shall he reject its symbol, + Or answer "Not for JOE!"? + Nay, sweet girl, such a churl + Were no "Gentleman" you know; + And JOE is "quite the Gentleman," + Brum BRUMMEL in full blow! + + Then courage, all brave Unionists, + And never be afraid + Whilst Brummagem Republican + Is witched by Primrose Maid. + There is soft fascination + In radiant rank, we know; + And a posy, though primrosy, + From soft hands makes soft hearts glow, + Lilies--though they toil not nor spin + Are beauteous--in full blow! + +[Footnote 1: Mr. CHAMBERLAIN was once reported to have congratulated +himself upon his co-operation with "English Gentlemen."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Chappie_ (_after missing his fourth Stag, explains_). +"AW--FACT IS, THE--AW--WAVING GRASS WAS IN MY WAY." + +_Old Stalker._ "HOOT, MON, WAD YE HAE ME BEING OUT A SCYTHE?"] + + * * * * * + +LORD LYTTON. + +BORN NOV. 8, 1831. DIED NOV. 24, 1891. + + Were clever wise, were grandiose great, + How many a servant of the State + Had left a more enduring name. + But all is not for all; 'tis far + From flaming meteor to fixed star, + From notoriety to fame. + + Picturesque son of brilliant sire, + It wanted but the touch of fire + Prometheus only knows to bring + The flame divine in him to wake + Who moved our plaudits when he spake, + But stirred no passion when he'd sing. + + The Orient pageantry he loved, + The histrio not the hero moved, + The _dilettante_ not the sage. + Hence in our England's East his hand + Turned, in a story sternly grand, + A motley mock-heroic page. + + He by the Seine found fitter place + For courtly wit and modish grace, + Than by the Indus. There right well + His facile talent served his Chief; + And England hears with genuine grief + That sudden-sounding passing bell. + + * * * * * + +NEW NAME. + + Who prizes Literature? All sorts and sizes + Of literary wares now hang on "prizes." + 'Tis not prose fictionists or poem-spinners + The public rush for; no, 'tis "all the winners!" + Letters in lotteries find support most sure-- + Let us be frank, and call them _Lottery_ture! + + * * * * * + +SUITOR RESARTUS. + +_A SENTIMENTAL DILEMMA._ + +[Illustration] + + How can I woo you in this ancient suit? + You do not notice it, of course; I know it. + My soul is burdened with a shapeless boot, + Your heart is singing welcome to your poet. + Here in the shadowy settle I can sit + And sparkle with you, brightly confidential, + But when into the lamp-bright zone you flit, + I shrink into some corner penitential. + A well-dressed crowd, their tailors all unpaid, + Throng round you there, and cuffs and collars glisten; + Of pity's blindness, as of scorn, afraid, + I shun the merry fray, and darkling listen, + For who could urge the timidest of suits, + Conscious of such indifferent clothes and boots? + + You think me quite as good as other men; + Nay, more, I think you think me vastly better; + Your candid glances seem to ask me when + I'll seek to bind you in a willing fetter. + Is this presumption? Not from friend to friend, + Whose souls unite like clasping hands of lovers; + Yet can I breathe no word of love, to end + The delicate doubt that o'er the unspoken hovers. + If I were hopeless that you loved me not, + My hopeless love, confess'd, myself would flatter, + But should the blissful dream be true, I wot + That love confess'd the joy of love would shatter. + My Queen, indeed as king I'd love to lord it; + I cannot tell you that I can't afford it. + + * * * * * + +POSSIBLE EXPLANATION:--"For many months nothing has been heard of +Lieutenant IVANITCH," was the remark of our leading journal _à propos_ +of Russian disappearances. Is it not probable that IVANITCH, unable to +find a post to suit him, has gone on tour with a "scratch company"? + + * * * * * + +THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS. + +NO XVII. + + SCENE--_Under the Colonnade of the Hôtel Grande Bretagne, + Bellagio. CULCHARD is sitting by one of the pillars, engaged + in constructing a sonnet. On a neighbouring seat a group of + smart people are talking over their acquaintances, and near + them is another visitor, a Mr. CRAWLEY STRUTT, who is + watching his opportunity to strike into the conversation._ + +_Mrs. Hurlingham._ Well, she'll _be_ Lady CHESEPARE some day, when +anything happens to the old Earl. He was looking quite ghastly when we +were down at SKYMPINGS last. But they're frightfully badly off _now_, +poor dears! Lady DRIBLETT lets them have her house in Park Lane for +parties and that--but it's wonderful how they live at all! + +[Illustration: "I don't know if you're acquainted with a paper called +the _Penny Patrician_?"] + +_Colonel Sandown._ He looked pretty fit at the Rag the other day. Come +across the SENLACS anywhere? Thought Lady SENLAC was going abroad this +year. + +_Mr. Crawley Strutt._ Hem--I saw it mentioned in the _Penny Patrician_ +that her Ladyship had-- + +_Mrs. Hurl._ (_without taking the slightest notice of him_). She's +just been marryin' her daughter, you know--rather a good match, too. +Not what I call pretty,--smart-lookin', that's all. But then her +_sister_ wasn't pretty till she married. + +_Col. Sand._ Nice family she married into! Met her father-in-law, old +Lord BLETHERHAM, the other morning, at a chemist's in Piccadilly--he'd +dropped in there for a pick-me-up; and there he was, tellin' chemist +all the troubles he'd had with his other sons marryin' the way they +did, and that. Rum man to go and confide in his chemist, but he's like +that--fond of the vine! + +_Mr. C.S._ Er--er--it's becoming a very serious thing, Sir, the way +our aristocracy is deteriorating, is it not? + +_Col. S._ Is it? What have they been up to now, eh? Haven't seen a +paper for days. + +_Mr. C.S._ I mean these mixed marriages, and, well, their general +goings on, I don't know if you're acquainted with a paper called the +_Penny Patrician_? I take it in regularly, and I assure _you_--loyal +supporter of our old hereditary institutions as I am--some of the +revelations I read about in high life make me blush--yes, downright +_blush_ for them! [_Mrs. HURLINGHAM retires._ + +_Col. S._ Do they, though? If I were you I should let 'em do their own +blushin', and save my pennies. + +_Mr. C.S._ (_deferentially_). No doubt you're right, Sir, but I _like_ +the _Patrician_ myself--it's very smartly written. Talking of that, +do you happen to know the ins and outs of that marriage of young Lord +GOSLINGTON's? Something very mysterious about the party he's going to +marry--who _are_ her people now? + +_Col. S._ Can't say, I'm sure--no business of mine, you know. + +_Mr. C.S._ There I venture to think you're wrong, Sir. It's the +business of everybody--the _duty_, I may say--to see that the best +blood of the nation is not--(_Col. S. turns into the hotel; Mr. C.S. +sits down near CULCH._)--Remarkably superior set of visitors staying +here, Sir! My chief objection to travel always is, that it brings +you in contact with parties you wouldn't think of associating with at +home. I was making that same remark to a very pleasant little fellow +I met on the steamer--er--Lord UPPERSOLE, I think it was--and he +entirely concurred. Your friend made us acquainted.--(_PODBURY comes +out of the hotel._)--Ah, here _is_ your friend.--(_To PODB._)--Seen +his Lordship about lately, Sir?--Lord UPPERSOLE, I _mean_, of course! + +_Podb._ UPPERSOLE? No--he's over at Cadenabbia, I believe. + +_Mr. C.S._ A highly agreeable spot to stay at. Indeed, I've some idea +myself of--Exceedingly pleasant person his Lordship--so affable, so +completely the gentleman! + +_Podb._ Oh, he's affable enough--for a boot-maker. I always give him a +title when I see him, for the joke of the thing--he likes it. + +_Mr. C.S._ He _may_, Sir. I consider a title is not a thing to be +treated in that light manner. It--it was an unpardonable liberty to +force me into the society of that class of person--unpardonable, Sir! + + [_He goes._ + +_Podb._ Didn't take much _forcing_, after he once heard me call him +"Lord UPPERSOLE"! Where are all the others, eh? Thought we were going +up to the Villa Serbelloni this afternoon. + +_Culch._ I--er--have not been consulted. Are they--er--_all_ going? + + [_With a shade of anxiety._ + +_Podb._ I believe so. You needn't be afraid, you know. HYPATIA won't +have the chance of ragging you now--she and Miss TROTTER have had a +bit of a breeze. + +_Culch._ I rather gathered as much. I think I could guess the-- + +_Podb._ Yes, HYPATIA's rather uneasy about poor old BOB; thinks Miss +TROTTER is--well, carrying on, you know. She is no end of a little +flirt--_you_ know that well enough!--(_C. disclaims impatiently._) +Here you all are, eh?--(_To Miss P., Miss T., and BOB._)--Well, who +knows the way up to the villa? + +_Miss T._ It's through the town, and up some steps by the church--you +cann't miss it. But Mr. PRENDERGAST is going to show me a short cut up +behind the hotel--aren't you, Mr. PRENDERGAST? + +_Miss P._ (_icily_). I really think, dear, it would be better if we +all kept together--for so _many_ reasons! + +_Culch._ (_with alacrity_). I agree with Miss PRENDERGAST. A short cut +is invariably the most indirect route. + +_Miss P._ (_with intention_). You hear what Mr. CULCHARD says, my dear +MAUD? He advocates direct ways, as best in the long run. + +_Miss T._ It's only going to be a short run, my love. But I'm vurry +glad to observe that you and Mr. CULCHARD are so perfectly harmonious, +as I'm leaving him on your hands for a spell. Aren't you ever coming, +Mr. PRENDERGAST? + + [_She leads him off, a not unwilling captive._ + +_A PATH IN THE GROUNDS OF THE VILLA SERBELLONI._ + +_Podb._ (_considerately, to CULCHARD, who is following Miss +PRENDERGAST and him, in acute misery_). Look here, old fellow, Miss +PRENDERGAST would like to sit down, I know; so don't you bother about +keeping with us if you'd rather _not_, you know! + + [_CULCHARD murmurs an inarticulate protest._ + +_Miss P._ Surely, Mr. PODBURY, you are aware by this time that Mr. +CULCHARD has a perfect mania for self-sacrifice! + + [_CULCHARD drops behind, crushed._ + +_AMONG THE RUINS AT THE TOP OF THE HILL._ + +_Culch._ (_who has managed to overtake Miss T. and her companion_). +Now _do_ oblige me by looking through that gap in the pines towards +Lecco. I particularly wish you to observe the effect of light on those +cliffs--it's well worth your while. + +_Miss T._ Why, certainly, it's a view that does you infinite credit. +Oh, you _didn't_ take any hand in the arrangement? But ain't you +afraid if you go around patting the scenery on the head this way, +you'll have the lake overflow? + +_Bob. P._ Ha-ha-ha! One in the eye for _you_, CULCHARD! + +_Culch._ (_with dignity_). Surely one may express a natural enthusiasm +without laying oneself open--? + +_Miss T._ Gracious, yes! I should hope you wouldn't want to show your +enthusiasm _that_ way--like a Japanese nobleman! + +_Culch._ (_to himself_). Now that's coarse--_really_ +coarse!--(_Aloud._)--I seem to be unable to open my mouth now without +some ridiculous distortion-- + +_Miss T._ My!--but that's a serious symptom--isn't it? You don't feel +like you were going to have lock-jaw, do you, Mr. CULCHARD? + + [_CULCHARD falls back to the rear once more. Later--Mr. + VAN BOODELER has joined the party; HYPATIA has contrived + to detach her brother, CULCHARD has sought refuge with + PODBURY._ + +_Miss T._ (_to VAN B._). So that's what kept you? "Well, it sounds +just too enchanting. But I cann't answer for what Miss PRENDERGAST +will say to it. It mayn't suit her notions of propriety. + +_Mr. Van B._ I expect she'll be superior to Britannic prejudices of +that kind. I consider your friend a highly cultivated and charming +lady, MAUD. She produces that impression upon me. + +_Miss T._ I presume, from that, she has shown an intelligent interest +in the great American novel? + +_Mr. Van B._ Why, yes; it enlists her literary sympathies--she sees +all its possibilities. + +_Miss T._ And they're pretty numerous, too. But here she comes. You'd +better tell her your plan right now. + +_Miss P._ (_in an earnest undertone to BOB, as they approach, +followed by CULCH. and BOB_). You _must_ try and be sensible about +it, BOB; if _you_ are too blind to see that she is only-- + +BOB (_sulkily_). All _right_! Haven't I _said_ I'd go? What's the good +of _jawing_ about it? + +_Mr. V.B._ (_to Miss P._) I've been telling my cousin I've been +organising a little water-party for this evening--moonlight, +mandolins, Menaggio. If you find that alliteration has any +attractions, I hope you and your brother will do me the pleasure of-- + +_Miss P._ I'm afraid not, thanks. We have all our packing to do. We +find we shall have to leave early to-morrow. + + [_Van B.'s face falls; BOB listens gloomily to_ Miss T.'s + rather perfunctory expressions of regret; PODBURY looks + anxious and undecided; CULCHARD does his best to control an + unseemly joy._ + + * * * * * + +THE GOOD NEW "TIMES." + +Nobody, after visiting Terry's Theatre, can apply to Mr. PINERO's +piece the hackneyed phrase,--used apologetically by an unconscionable +reader after detaining the leading journal for three-quarters of an +hour,--"Oh, there's nothing in _The Times_," for, in Mr. PINERO's +piece there is plenty of amusement, if not of absorbing interest. + +[Illustration] + +The story is that of a _parvenu_, whose sole object in life, to +be recognised by "Society," is thwarted by the marriage of his +good-for-nothing son with the daughter of an Irish lodging-house +keeper. The struggles of _Mr. and Mrs. Bompas_ to conceal this +_mésalliance_, and the assistance given them in their difficulties by +the _Hon. Montague Trimble_, constitute the motive of the play. But +the question that must occur to the critical mind is, "Did the author +mean this piece for high comedy, or farcical comedy?" If the former, +then Mr. TERRY is wrong in his conception of the part; if the latter, +everybody else is wrong in their conception of their parts. + +It seems to me as if, in the course of rehearsal, the peculiarities +distinguishing the character of _Percy Egerton Bompas, M.P._, had +gradually become assimilated with the individualities of the actor, +Mr. EDWARD TERRY. If Mr. PINERO so meant it, if he so wrote it for Mr. +TERRY and for Mr. TERRY only, then there is nothing more to be said; +Mr. PINERO's ideal is realised. But if the author did _not_ intend Mr. +TERRY's impersonation, then he must be content to sacrifice the ideal +to the real, shrug his shoulders, and pocket his profits. Yet, as if +making an appeal to the public to judge between the auctorial abstract +and the representational concrete, Mr. PINERO not only publishes his +playbook, but sells it in the theatre. Visitors to TERRY's, who buy +the book, will judge the play by its stage interpretation that has had +the advantage of the author's personal supervision and direction. The +representation, therefore, is either more or less in accordance with +his teaching, or flatly contradicts it. + +[Illustration: One of the Leaders in _The Times_.] + +The publication of the book of a comedy in a theatre may be thankfully +received as a present help to the audience, and an aid to memory +afterwards, or it may be considered as a protest on the part of the +author who says, "Here's what I have written. See how they act it: +whether it be farce or comedy, judge for yourselves. You pay your +money, and you take your choice." Suffice it, then, to record that, on +the night of this deponent's visit, the piece played from eight till +past eleven, and that the audience from first to last was generally +amused, but, I should be inclined to say, particularly disappointed +at the collapse of Mr. TERRY's part in the last Act (the principal +portion of which he passes curled up on a sofa, with the top of +his forehead powdered white! Why?), and mystified by the sudden and +apparently unnecessary revelation, made by _Miss Cazalet_, to the +effect that _Lucy Tuck_ (a mentally and physically short-sighted girl) +is her illegitimate daughter; and these two last-named personages, +though essential to the plot, fail unfortunately in rousing any +sentiment of pity or of sympathy. + +Mr. ELLIOT is excellent as the _Hon. Montague Trimble_; nothing +better, apart from Mr. HARE's eccentric characters, has been seen on +the stage for some considerable time. I hope the author is of the same +opinion. Mr. FRED THORNE is capital as the Irish Member; and as _Mrs. +Hooley_, an obtrusively Irish eccentricity of Thackerayan extraction, +Miss ALEXES LEIGHTON is very good, for the character, as drawn by +the author, _is_ obtrusive, and is so meant to be. The _Mrs. Egerton +Bompas_ of Miss FANNY BROUGH is _the_ woman to the life, and, in my +humble judgment, Miss BROUGH's impersonation is well-nigh faultless. +Whether, if the part of _Egerton Bompas_ were played as high comedy, +this would still improve Miss BROUGH's impersonation of _Mrs. Bompas_ +or not, it is difficult to decide; but I am inclined to think this +would be the result. What does the author think? Most likely he will +continue to "think"; it is the wiser course. Mr. HENRY V. ESMOND makes +the lad, _Howard Bompas_, unnecessarily repulsive; but if, in doing +so, he is only exactly carrying out the author's idea, i.e., "Master's +orders," then he is no longer responsible for the overcharged +colouring. The probable fate of this unhappy pair, an impulsive +uneducated kind of Irish orange-girl married to a contemptible +young sot, is not a pleasant termination to the story, nor is the +anticipatory sadness felt for the future of this ill-assorted couple +in any way dissipated by the stereotyped and perfunctory offer of +marriage made by the young London Journal Nobleman to the daughter of +the utterly crushed snob just before the Curtain descends. + +Why the piece is called _The Times_, remains a mystery. _To-day_ +would have been better; that is, if by _The Times_ is only meant "The +Present Day." And if it doesn't mean this, what meaning has it? For +alliterative advertisement it may be useful; e.g., "Times at TERRY's." +The dialogue generally is easy, natural and telling. + +Yours, + +PRIVATE BOX. + + * * * * * + +FOLLOW THE BARON! + + ["Such characters as he should retire into fiction, they + are too exaggerated for real life."--_"Times" on Mr. R.L. + Stevenson's Sad Maron of Samou._] + + Oh, most excellent true! How I thank thee, great _Times_, + For teaching that phrase! 'Tis delicious! + Fiction! The haunt of mad follies, crass crimes, + Fads futile, and tastes meretricious. + Oh, joy, to transport to that Limbo of Fools, + Upon trial and honest conviction, + The plagues of our Parties, our Churches, our Schools, + Who ought to "retire into Fiction." + + When WINDYWHAME, M.P., goes spouting about, + His flatulent madness and malice; + When SLUDGE, after years of dogmatical doubt, + Finds Faith's Wonderland worthy of _Alice_; + When POPINJAY airs his effeminate Art, + And DOBBS sputters dirt in choice diction, + Ye gods, there'd be joy in Church, Forum, and Mart, + If the fools would "retire into Fiction." + + Pragmatical pietists, sceptics obtuse + Who Progress impede with crude cackle, + Predestinate duffers of prattle profuse, + Who the biggest world-problems would tackle; + State-quacks, shouting Emperors, queer School-Board cranks, + We'll give you our best benediction, + And speed you at parting with heartiest thanks, + If you'll only--"retire into Fiction!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: EMANCIPATION. + +_Young Bride of Three Hours' standing_ (_just starting on her Wedding +Trip_).--"OH, EDWIN DEAR! HERE'S '_TOM JONES_.' PAPA TOLD ME I WASN'T +TO READ IT TILL I WAS MARRIED! THE DAY HAS COME ... AT LAST! BUY IT +FOR ME, EDWIN DEAR."] + + * * * * * + +ARMING THE AMAZONS. + +(_MODERN BRUMMAGEM VERSION._) + + [At the meeting (at Birmingham) of the National Union of + Conservative and Constitutional Associations, a resolution in + favour of "considering the claims of women to be admitted to + the franchise when entitled by ownership or occupation," was + carried "by an overwhelming majority, amid loud cheers." + Mrs. FAWCETT afterwards said, "What new forces were they (the + Conservative Party) prepared to bring against the anarchy, + socialism and revolution which were arrayed against them? + The granting of women's suffrage would be against the + disintegrating power of the other side, as women were + everywhere anti-revolutionary forces.... This would add + about 800,000 to the electorate. They would be, she believed, + middle-aged women of property, than whom she thought they + could not assemble more anti-revolutionary forces."] + +_Trojan Leader loquitur_:-- + + To arm the Amazons against the Greeks, + OVIDIUS hints, proud manhood galls and piques. + No doubt; yet NASO did it in his day, + And we, in ours, who, sorely-pressed, would stay + The rising tide of Revolution, check + Disintegration, of the claws who'd peck + At our political sleeves and platform hearts + Must not be frightened. + "Rummiest of starts," + The ribald Cockney cries; to see at length, + "The Tory seeking to recruit his strength + Prom those he dubbed, in earlier, scornfuller mood + The crowing hens, the shrieking sisterhood!" + Shade of sardonic SMOLLETT, haunt no more + St. Stephen's precincts; list not to the roar + Of the mad Midland cheers, when FEILDING's plan + Of levelling (moneyed) Woman up to Man + Wins "Constitutional" support and votes + From a "majority" of Tory throats! + Mrs. LYNN LINTON, how this vote must vex, + That caustic censor of her own sweet sex! + Wild Women--_with_ the Suffrage! Fancy that, + O fluent Lady, at tart nick-names pat! + Girls of the Period? They were bad enough, + But what a deal of skimble-skamble stuff + Will Mrs. FAWCETT's Middle-aged Ones talk + When these eight hundred thousand _hens_ o' the walk + Cackle for Order, Purity, and Peace!!! + + Partlets _may_ save our Capitol, as geese + Once did the Roman; nigh a million--JUNOS, + Roll back the tide of Revolution. Who knows? + Not PRIAM-SALISBURY. Does _he_ look askance + At the new Amazonian Queen's advance? + Does he hide apprehension with a smile? + The Amazons are used to Grecian guile; + ACHILLES-GLADSTONE sorely they mistrust. + Which side will give them more than fain it must? + To-day the Trojans show the friendlier front + PENTHESILEA, whom the Greeks would shunt, + Proffers her aid to Tory Troy, to keep + High Ilium against the foes who creep + Nearer and nearer to its sacred walls. + ACHILLES o'er the trenches loudly calls, + In menace fierce, thrasonic in his boast, + His Myrmidons, a mad and motley host, + Mean boundless mischief, the Palladium's gone + If they are not repulsed. It _must_ be done, + Come what, come will. PRIAM has trimmed his sails + To popular winds until the pilot fails + To know the old and carefully charted course. + His wisdom, and brave ARTHUR-HECTOR's force, + May yet prove vain if no auxiliar hand + Help yon Anarchic legions to withstand. + The Amazonian host? Aha! Well hit! + Scruple to take she-helping? Not a bit + Too late for proud punctilio. No, this Queen + Is not so lovely, of such royal mien, + As hers who witched ACHILLES e'en in death. + An elderly Amazon of shortish breath, + With gingham huge and gig-lamps, though she hold + That "Property" buckler broad and bossed with gold + Is scarce a Siren--of the ancient style; + More of Minerva's frown than Venus' smile! + But then, eight hundred thousand!!! There's the rub. + Recruited from the Platform and the Tub, + With Middle-aged and Propertied Amazons, + Ilium may master e'en the Myrmidons. + Come, anti-revolutionaries, come! + Strike Anarchy dead, and Socialism dumb! + Accept new arms, ye maiden cohorts! Take + The weapon that shall make ACHILLES shake, + And reinforce, against the wiles of Greece, + The powers of Property, Privilege, and Peace! + + * * * * * + +OPTIMISM. + + "All's for the best," smirks fatuous DIVES. He + _Means_, "I'm the best, and therefore all's for _me_." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ARMING THE AMAZONS. + + PRIAM (_loquitur_). "ACCEPT NEW ARMS, YE MAIDEN COHORTS! TAKE + THE WEAPON THAT SHALL MAKE ACHILLES SHAKE, + AND REINFORCE, AGAINST THE WILES OF GREECE, + THE POWERS OF PROPERTY, PRIVILEGE, AND PEACE!"] + + * * * * * + +ONLY FANCY! + +We understand that Mr. GLADSTONE has followed, with much interest, the +speeches delivered in the country last week, and was observed to be +visibly affected at the touching spectacle of the final reconciliation +of Lord SALISBURY and Mr. CHAMBERLAIN at Birmingham. "They toil +not, neither do they spin," he said, furtively wiping away a tear; +"nevertheless, they seem made for each other's company." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "A Fantasy of Disordered Imagination."] + +The Right Hon. Gentleman will take his turn next week, and a report +is current in interested quarters, that he as gone into training under +the personal direction of Sir WILLIAM HARCOURT and Mr. JOHN MORLEY, +who assist to support him whilst he rehearses his speech. This is +a fantasy of disordered imagination. Mr. G. is in splendid form, +spoiling for a fight. + + * * * * * + +A trustworthy Correspondent informs us that, owing to accidental +displacement of his notes, a telling point was omitted from Lord +SALISBURY's first speech at Birmingham. It was intended to come in +at the passage where the PREMIER boldly flouted apprehension, of +Ministerial disaster at the General Election. He had meant to cite Mr. +JACKSON's appointment as conclusive proof that the Government would +exist at least up to the year 1900. + +"SHAKSPEARE," he should have said, "has written, 'a tanner will last +you nine year,' and of course the duration of the Government will +be co-incidental with the prolongation of the term of our Financial +Secretary to the Treasury, withdrawn from commercial pursuits at +Leeds." + + * * * * * + +HERR VON DER BLOWITZOWN-TROMP has some interesting reminiscences of +the lamented Baron MAC HINERY. "When he was appointed Legate at the +Court of the Isle of Man," writes the great historian of our times, +"he dined with me in passing through Nanterre. It was the very day the +Marquis DE MOULIN had been elected Pompier. The other guests were, +His Excellency the CON OF CRIM TARTARY, Prince ALLEZ-VOUS-EN, His +Excellency the VICUNA of BRAZIL, the SANDWICH AMBASSADOR, the DOGE of +VENICE, and the Baron MUNCHAUSEN, who was a kind of amateur partner of +mine, in whom I had much confidence--I always left him with my day's +correspondence ready to be committed to paper. In the course of the +dinner a stupid _garçon_, handing the ice round, dropped a small piece +down the back of the neck of the DOGE of VENICE. With great presence +of mind Baron MUNCHAUSEN seized the poker (which fortunately happened +to be in the fire), and, with inimitable dexterity, passed the red-hot +brand between the DOGE's shirt-collar and his neck, and, deftly +touching the piece of ice, melted it. It was an awkward moment. The +canned lobster was just served, but no one thought of eating it. The +CON of CRIM TARTARY turning to Baron MAC HINERY, said,-- + +"You, my Lord, who are disinterested in this matter, tell us what you +think of it." + +"I think," replied the Baron, with admirable _sangfroid_, "his +Highness the DOGE would have felt better if the ice had been warmer, +and the poker cooler." + +Everybody laughed. The DOGE and Baron MUNCHAUSEN shook hands, and the +dinner ended gaily. + + * * * * * + +RYMOND, writing _lui-même_ with too infrequent pen, makes pathetic +reference to the death of "one of the largest and best known purveyors +of Rhine wine, with whom I have had business relations and personal +intercourse for nearly thirty years." There is, we need hardly say, +no basis for the insinuation thrown out by HENED that the business +relations referred to were of the commission order sometimes +established between purveyors of Rhine and other wines and gentlemen +who have a wide circle of friends. + + * * * * * + +THEORY AND PRACTICE. + + SCENE--_Interior of a First-class Railway Carriage. + Theoretical Passenger and Practical Passenger discussing the + "Unreadiness of England."_ + +_Theoretical Passenger_ (_at the conclusion of a long account of the +national shortcomings_). Yes, my dear Sir, France has only to declare +war to-morrow, and we are completely ruined! We cease to exist as a +nation! + +_Practical Passenger_ (_with a smile_). But hasn't this been said +about us--by ourselves--for any number of years? + +_Theo. Pas._ Doubtless, but that does not make it the less true. + +_Prac. Pas._ Possibly; still, it is encouraging to find that we _do_ +exist in spite of the "temptation to belong to other nations." + +_Theo. Pas._ (_annoyed_). Ah! you treat the matter with levity; but +I assure you it is a most serious thing! How would you like to be +bombarded? + +_Prac. Pas._ Not at all. The more especially as it would be a great +expense to the enemy. + +_Theo. Pas._ (_with dignified resentment_). I see you consider the +subject a proper topic for raillery! It is a very fine day! + +_Prac. Pas._ (_in a conciliatory tone_). No, no, I can assure you I am +deeply interested. But how about our Fleet--surely that should protect +us? + +_Theo. Pas._ You must be very much behind the age to say so. Our Fleet +is practically valueless. It is perfectly easy to invade us at a +dozen places. If the French went to Ireland (as they did in the last +century), the conquest of England would be assured. They would (with +the assistance of a friendly peasantry), get their supplies and make +good their footing. + +_Prac. Pas._ But how about our Army? + +_Theo. Pas._ A farce! An expensive farce. We have no Regulars, the +Militia exists only on paper, and the Volunteers are valueless. + +_Prac. Pas._ Then why not have a Conscription--that would bring up our +Army with a run? + +_Theo. Pas._ A Conscription! My dear Sir, the nation wouldn't think of +such a thing! No, not for a single moment! + +_Prac. Pas._ (_after a pause_). Well, what is to be done? + +_Theo. Pas._ (_promptly_). Nothing, except to write to the papers and +submit to our fate. + +_Prac. Pas._ Is there any objection to the construction of the Channel +Tunnel? + +_Theo. Pas._ (_carelessly_). None in the least--but why do you ask? + +_Prac. Pas._ Because, if in the case of war, the entire French nation +pours into England;--as you say it will? + +_Theo. Pas._ Certainly. + +_Prac. Pas._ The best thing we can do is to utilise the Tunnel, pour +into France, and stay there! It will be only changing sides! + + [_Conversation interrupted by whistle, and consequent rattle + and darkness._ + + * * * * * + +THE SPHINX AND THE STICK. + +_A SONG WHEREIN IS SUGGESTED A SUITABLE SUBJECT FOR AN IBSENITE +TRAGEDY._ + + [Sir JAMES CRICHTON-BROWNE thinks that "the reserve and + suppression of emotional movement which is observed in + English people" will probably result in all the women becoming + sphinxes, and all the men sticks.] + + "Oh! do wag your head!" said the Sphinx to the Stick. + "I _can't_," he replied, "or I would, darling, quick! + If you'll only indulge in a shrug and some winks, + You'll perhaps set _me_ off," said the Stick to the Sphinx. + "Nay, long 'inhibition,'" the Sphinx made reply, + "Has imparted rigidity, love, to my eye." + "'Emotional movement' no longer is mine," + Sighed the Stick to the Sphinx; "though I greatly incline + To a dig in your ribs, or a slap on your back + (As a sign of my love), all my muscles are slack. + My poor 'motor-centres' are all out of gear, + And I can't even 'chuck' your soft chin, sweet, I fear. + I'm sure such a stolid inflexible 'stick' you'll hate, + But, though I adore you, I _cannot_ gesticulate--" + "My case is as bad," sighed the Sphinx to the Stick, + "For I cannot 'bridle'--no more than a brick." + Said the Stick to the Sphinx, "Ah, we once knew what love meant! + But, thanks to the loss of 'emotional movement,' + We can't give it 'graceful and chastened expression,' + And so it seems slipping fast out of possession. + Heigho! we had far better die, darling, quick! + Since you are a Sphinx, love, and I'm but a Stick!" + + * * * * * + +VERY LIKELY--JUST NOW.--A place to spend a Quiet Sunday--Eastbourne. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MR. PUNCH ON TOUR IN YORKSHIRE.] + + * * * * * + +"ON THE HYP"-NOTIST. + +(_FRAGMENT FROM A ROMANCE PURELY IMAGINARY AND YET TO BE WRITTEN._) + +The _Savants_ were gathered together to consider the question of +Hypnotism. They had been appointed by a learned Association, and their +Hon. Secretary had distinguished himself by writing a letter, which if +eccentric in punctuation, was yet to the point. + +"We must not forget, Gentlemen," said one of the learned persons, +"that we have been appointed to investigate the use of Hypnotism as +a therapeutic agent. It will be our duty to ascertain, if it is +possible, that operations can be performed under the shield of its +anæsthesia." + +"You are indeed right," replied another, "and it is fortunate in one +sense that we have not had the advantage of greeting at our board, +Doctor OWEN COLEMAN of Dunedin, Surbiton." + +"Why so?" asked a third. + +"Because," returned _Savant_ No. 2, "that distinguished Member of the +Medical Profession can give instances of successful treatment under +the prescribed circumstances. For instance, JULES CLOQUET, as early +as 1845 was using Hypnotism in the cause of painless surgery. However, +our pleasant little gathering can do no harm." + +"Perhaps not," acquiesced _Savant_ No. 3. "Although it is only right +to remark that had we had Dr. COLEMAN's knowledge, we should have +possibly considered it _qua_ Committee a trifle superfluous." + +"Do you not think we ought to visit the Aquarium?" asked the first +speaker. "I am told that there is a Hypnotist who appears there twice +a-day, and whose exhibition, from a scientific point of view, should +be decidedly interesting." + +After this there was a speedy departure, and for some hours the +Committee lounged about the Aquarium, They there saw a female acrobat +of great strength. Then they paid a visit to the Alhambra, where they +met a pleasant young lady, who, seemingly without any assistance, +lifted four or five bulky gentlemen seated on a chair. This she did +without any exertion and with a smiling countenance. On their return +to their private room, they seemed somewhat hostile to the pretensions +of the Hypnotist, whose feats they had just witnessed--they preferred +to his performances the feats of the Magnetic Lady. + +[Illustration] + +"Quite a mistake," said one; "instead of taking off a leg, or showing +the strength of a billiard cue, he makes men believe that they are +swimming in a tank!" + +"Very undignified," remarked another; "it would have been so much +better had he performed a surgical operation--say, setting a compound +fracture of the leg, like that performed by two medical men in 1845; +and more interesting to the vast majority of the audience." + +"But the Alhambra was excellent," was the reply. "Suppose we send +to our Committee a Report of the 'Magnetic Lady' and ignore the +Hypnotist?" + +And so it was decided, and it was time to write their Report. Then +pens, ink, and paper were produced, and the _Savants_ prepared for +work. They had scarcely commenced, when a gentleman stood in their +midst, and glared at them. He gave them each a disc, and commanded +them to gaze upon its surface. Then, one by one, they fell over fast +asleep. He placed them back in their chairs. + +"Now for your Report," he murmured. "And so you would ignore _my_ +show and praise another! But you are in my power, and _shall_ obey +me! Write what I dictate!" And so they wrote. And, strange as it may +appear to non-believers in Hypnotism, the Report, when published, +was found to be an excellent advertisement for the Royal Westminster +Aquarium! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SENILE FELINE AMENITIES. + +"WELL, GOOD AFTERNOON--I'M GOING TO CALL ON MY MOTHER!" + +"WHAT! YOU DON'T MEAN TO SAY YOU'VE GOT A MOTHER _LIVING_?" + +"OH YES--AND SHE DON'T LOOK A BIT OLDER THAN _YOU_ DO--I ASSURE YOU!"] + + * * * * * + +OUR FINANCIAL COLUMN. + +_Orl Court, E.C.[2]_ + +I am preparing a big _coup_, and wish all my friends to be in it. My +friends are legion, it is true, but they may depend upon me to do the +best for all. Nothing on the gigantic scale I am now preparing has +been seen or heard of in the Financial World since the days of the +Flood, when NOAH's floating capital weathered the storm. What was +the stock worth when Father NOAH once again touched land? Expect the +biggest result ever known. I may be sanguine. I have the right to be +so. + +[Illustration] + +"PONY."--Yes. Buy A. and C.N.B.--Invest big cheque with yours truly. +The only safe and profitable investment. + +"D.A.H."--Don't you do it, or you'll be H.A.D. Send cheques here. +Strict account kept, and gains delivered in cash by special messenger. + +"A HESITATER."--Don't doubt for a moment. Sell everything right off, +and invest proceeds by cheque with your friend." + +"A.S.S."--The Dividend days of the "_Ex-Nihilo-Fit Loan and Insurance +Company_ are April 1, up to mid-day, and September 31. + +So much for some of the principal Correspondents who require an answer +in my weekly article. As for myself, I can only say that my motto is, +"_Confidentia Illimitata et Nulla Pecunia redditur_." Within the last +month the gross earnings of the office on behalf of my clients has +been £12,345,678,910 which compares favourably with the previous +month. Every penny of this, equal to 50 per cent. profit to every one +of my clients, will be distributed within a week with a handsome bonus +of twenty-five pounds to everyone sending in his coupon or cheque +for fifteen sovereigns by twelve o'clock next Tuesday, after which +hour it is impossible for any one, be he who he may, from Kaiser to +Chimney-sweeper, to participate in the enormous profit which will have +been honestly earned by + +Yours truly, + +CROESUS. + +[Footnote 2: N.B.--Note change of address.] + + * * * * * + +SHORTLY TO APPEAR.--_A Morning without Boots_, by the Author of _A +Knight without Spurs_. + + * * * * * + +POPULAR SONGS RE-SUNG; + +OR, MISS BOWDLER AT THE MUSIC HALLS. + +NO. III.--THE SPOOKS IN THE SQUARE. + +AIR--"_THE GOBLINS IN THE CHURCHYARD_." + + I went down to the Psychical Society one night, + And heard them talk of Spooks and things that filled me with affright. + The Psychical Society, as every member boasts, + Was founded with the object of investigating Ghosts! + Now Ghosts, the modern species, are of very various sorts, + For like some plants, as botanists say, they seem to run to "sports." + I used to think a spectre _was_ a spectre, but I find + The "Psychical" can furnish Spooks of every class and kind. + +_CHORUS._ + +[Illustration] + + Some of the Ghosts are little, some of the Ghosts are big, + Some come in the guise of a headless man, and some of a spectre pig. + Some of them laugh "Ha! ha!" Some of them wail "Heigho!" + And I felt that night in a doose of a fright before it was time to go. + + I had read _Phantasmagoria_ by that writer quaint but grand, + Who penned _The Hunting of the Snark_ and _Alice in Wonderland_. + And I thought I knew a thing or two, or might be even three, + About a Ghoul, and a Fay or Troll, and a Brownie or Banshee. + I knew that a Banshee always howled, whilst a Goblin might but yawn, + I also knew that a Poltergeist was _not_ a Leprechaun, + But the Psychicals, I'm bound to say, had me on "buttered toastes" + With the wonderful changes which they rang on the good old Churchyard + "Ghostes." + +_CHORUS._ + + Some of their Ghosts were sages, some of them seemed sheer noddies; + Some of the same like a "Wandering Flame," and others as "Astral + Bodies." + Some of theirs croaked "Ha! ha!" some of them chuckled "Ho! ho!" + And I got so sad, I was heartily glad when I found it was time to go. + + I dropped into the "Rose and Crown," a highly respectable tavern, + For Ghosts are dry, and my thirst was high, my throat like a chalky + cavern. + I didn't have much, only four of cold Scotch, which is good to moisten + chalk. + The night was fine, it was twelve twenty-nine, so I thought I might + just as well walk. + But when I entered Trafalgar Square, I heard a mysterious sound; + There was not even a Bobby in sight as I stole a glance around; + But seated on NELSON's lions four, and perched on the neighbouring + "posteses," + I saw, as we said in our Nursery Rhyme, a dozen or so of "Ghosteses"! + +_CHORUS._ + + Some of the Ghosts were short, some of the Ghosts were tall, + Some of them had most preposterous noddles, and some of them none at all, + They all gave a shrill "Ha! ha!" they all gave a hushed "Ho! ho!" + I turned in a fright and I wished 'em good night--but they would not let + me go! + + Then one of the Ghosts began to speak; down on my knees I sank, + "I am a Nobleman's Ghost," said he, "and mine offence is Rank! + I never cared for the Common Herd, the People I loved to crush; + My only remark on the Poor was 'Pooh!' my retort to the Toilers 'Tush!' + And if they dared to grumble, why, I used to raise my rents, + For I always held that the Mob were made to keep up the Cent-per-cents, + And now in this Square I hear BURNS's blare, see the Red Banner wave, + And Society swished by the Socialist; so I cannot rest in my grave." + +_CHORUS._ + + Another Ghost commenced. He said: "I was a great R.A. + (I remember the time when we used to meet in "the pepper-pots," over + the way), + My daubs were always hung on the line, for ourselves we used to judge, + Our sole Ideal conventional cant, our _technique_ broad brown smudge. + And now BURNE JONES's pictures _sell_!!!"--here he writhed with a + spectral twist-- + "And our 'broad brown smudge' gives way to the fudge cranks call + 'Impressionist.' + I've lost my head, as perhaps you mark--though I keep a ventriloquist + tongue. + What's the use of a head to an Artist Ghost, who has never a chance + to be hung?" + +_CHORUS_--SOME OF THE GHOSTS, &C. + + A Lawyer's Ghost wept on his post, and then began to state + That the Revolution of Sixty-eight--he meant of Six-_and_-eight-- + For the abolition of needless fees, and the stopping of useless jaw, + Had capped the murder of Privilege by the massacre of Law: + Order, this Spook went on to state, was the prey of police--less prank, + All the real jam of life was lost with the abolition of Rank. + Here he wept! Ah! _can_ there be a sight a pitiful breast to thrill + Like the Ghost of a Lawyer dropping a tear o'er the Ghost of a + Lawyer's Bill? + +_CHORUS_--SOME OF THE GHOSTS, &C. + + I woke. A pain possessed my head. The gathered Ghosts were gone, + And I lay there in Trafalgar Square, on a cold stone alone. + I seemed to hear a wailing cry, a whisper on the breeze, + Which said, in accents I well knew, "_Now then, Time, Gentlemen, + please_!" + It may have been the warning to recall those vagrant Ghosts + To ---- wheresoever they abide, poor pallid spectral hosts! + What it all meant I cannot tell, but this at least I know, + To that Psychical Society no more at night I'll go! + +_CHORUS._ + + Some of the Ghosts did goggle, some of the Spooks did stare, + But there they sat in a spectral row round "the Squirts" in Trafalgar + Square. + They all gave a loud "Ha! ha!" they all gave a loud "Ho! ho!" + And I turned and fled, and got home to bed as the rooster began to crow! + + * * * * * + +THE NAKED TRUTH.--Our old friend, Mrs. RAMSBOTHAM, was reading, the +other day, a letter in the _Times_ about "Electrical Tramways," when +she came upon a line stating that "two naked conductors" would be +used. Much shocked, she was about to look at something else in the +paper when she noticed that "one of the conductors was to be carried +on poles," and another to be "laid rigid between the rails!" Horrified +at this apparent brutality, the worthy lady has been writing letters +(in draft) to the Commissioner of Police ever since! + + * * * * * + +A FRIENDLY TIP TO THE FIGHTING FACTIONS. + + Recrimination is vexation, + Sedition is as bad; + Home Rule the-o-ry much puzzles J.B. + _Such_ practice proves _you_ mad! + + * * * * * + +A TIMELY SUGGESTION.--Commenting upon the exceptionally bad +case of the Rev. Mr. CLUTTERBUCK last week, the _Times_ asks if +something cannot be done to put down betting by turf-agencies, and +stock-exchange gambling per "bucket-shops." We regret our inability to +suggest an immediate remedy, but, as a warning and a reminder, let the +last-named institutions be called "Clutterbucket-shops." + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +101, December 5, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14122-8.txt or 14122-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/1/2/14122/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +https://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +https://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at https://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit https://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including including checks, online payments and credit card +donations. To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. diff --git a/old/14122-8.zip b/old/14122-8.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..15b430b --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14122-8.zip diff --git a/old/14122-h.zip b/old/14122-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..32795ae --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14122-h.zip diff --git a/old/14122-h/14122-h.htm b/old/14122-h/14122-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..25f60ba --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14122-h/14122-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2504 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" /> + + <title>Punch, December 5, 1891.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /*<![CDATA[*/ + + <!-- + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + + .note, .footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + + .poem + {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right;} + .figleft {float: left;} + + p.author {text-align: right;} + --> + /*]]>*/ + </style> +</head> + +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101, +December 5, 1891, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101, December 5, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 22, 2004 [EBook #14122] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +</pre> + + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 101.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>December 5, 1891.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page265" + id="page265"></a>[pg 265]</span> + + <h2>QUITE FABULOUS!</h2> + + <h4>(<i>A Story of the Times, dedicated to Professor + Munro.</i>)</h4> + + <p>KING COLE, although described as a "merry old soul," was in + reality a tyrant. He had a number of subjects who used to work + underground, and their labour was to bring to the surface the + black diamonds of the earth. It was not altogether a pleasant + occupation, but still, the task had to be accomplished. His + Majesty was fond of ferocious practical jokes, and perchance + this may have been the origin of the jocular description + attached to his name. One day, some of his subjects complained + that their hours of labour were too many.</p> + + <p>"How long do you work?" asked the King.</p> + + <p>"May it please you, Sire, sixteen," was the reply.</p> + + <p>"Try what you can do with twelve," and they were about to + depart rejoicing, when the Monarch called them back and added, + "But mind you, I shall expect just as many black diamonds to be + unearthed as before."</p> + + <p>So the King's subjects worked only twelve hours, and strange + to say, quite as many black diamonds were produced as in the + olden days. Then the workmen began to grumble once more, and + the King again interviewed them.</p> + + <p>"Do you still work twelve hours?" he asked the + deputation.</p> + + <p>"Certainly, Your Majesty; but we think half would be quite + enough," returned the spokesman.</p> + + <p>"By all means—why not make it three hours?" and again + his subjects were departing, rejoicing, when once more he + added, "But I shall expect just the same output as before."</p> + + <p>And he got it, for the men worked harder than ever. And then + they came yet again to him. Once more they considered the hours + of labour excessive. They thought sixty minutes plenty.</p> + + <p>"So do I," replied the Monarch, "not only plenty, but too + many. But as it is scarcely worth while employing you only half + an hour a day, I shall make other arrangements."</p> + + <p>And from that time forth he brought up his black diamonds + from the centre of the earth by machinery!</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOT "HALF A CHAP."—A well-known Clergyman, who "does + nothing by halves." <i>i.e.</i>, Dean HOLE.</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/265-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/265-1.png" + alt="'WHEN A MAN DOES NOT LOOK HIS BEST.'—No. 4." /> + </a> + + <h3>"WHEN A MAN DOES NOT LOOK HIS BEST."—No. + 4.</h3>WHEN HE JUST BEGINS TO REALISE WHAT A SUFFERING HE + WOULD HAVE SAVED HIMSELF, IF HE HAD ONLY HAD THE + <i>COURAGE</i> TO SAY "<i>MEDIUM</i>" INSTEAD OF "HARD." + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:37%;"> + <a href="images/265-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/265-2.png" + alt="The Baron's Retainers, Mesdames Blythe and Gay, giving him the results of their readings." /> + </a>The Baron's Retainers, Mesdames Blythe and Gay, giving + him the results of their readings. + </div> + + <p>In the Christmas Numbers of the numerous picture-papers it + is at first rather difficult to discover which is the genuine + article illustrated, and which the advertisement, likewise + illustrated. In the outside picture of the Christmas Number of + <i>The Penny Illustrated Paper</i>, which represents a couple + dancing together, I am not yet quite sure that the handsome + Hebraic gentleman, dancing with a fair Anglo-Saxon girl, is not + assuring his frightened-looking partner that "Epps's Cocoa is + Grateful—Comforting," as stated in the paragraph + immediately beneath the aforesaid picture. On the next page is + a sad illustration entitled, "The Curse of Revenge. Lost to + Human Aid." which turns out to be not a Christmas story at all, + but an advertisement for Fruit Salt. Then opposite this + commences a story by GEORGE R. SIMS; and at the foot of this + page some one replies, "Mr. DOOLAN! There's no one of that name + here now, Sir." Whereupon, being interested, the reader turns + over page 1 to find at the head of page 2, not the continuation + of the above interesting story in the shape of some remark on + the part of the inquirer, nor any account of what happened + after this reply had been given, but simply "Benson's Watches" + followed by "Fry's Chocolate," then a picture (not an + advertisement) facing that, and then on page 4 the remainder of + the dialogue. It doesn't much matter perhaps, as the excitement + aroused by the story is not violent, and the mistake of giving + somebody else's card for your own does not occur here for the + first time as the motive of a plot. CUTHBERT BEDE's name is to + a "Christmas Carol," and Mr. JOHN LATEY's to a dramatically + told tale called "Mark Temple's Trial," in which the imaginary + heroine pays a visit to a very real person of the name of + Madame KATTI LANNER, whose pupils are represented as all + assembled, with bouquets and posies, to do honour to the + birthday of their "well-loved mistress," who is at the same + time, "the acknowledged mistress of the choreographic art." In + this story, the author is to be complimented on his invention + of the name, "Lord Morgagemore" as an ancient looking and + highly aristocratic Irish title.</p> + + <p>"Up to any game at Christmas, if it's not too high," says + the Baron of Hampershire, who detests all game that is lofty, + but is glad to welcome a Shakspearian Revival by MYERS & + Co. in the shape of a <i>Nine Men's Morris</i>, a title the + Baron recommends to the notice of Mr. WILLIAM MORRIS, yclept + "BILLY," when he is making another bouquet of poesies. By the + way, BIM BROS.' Almanac Cards, one of the Baron's Lady Helps + describes as "decidedly dainty." Christmas is specially a + card-playing season, a time of <i>Pax</i> to everybody.</p> + + <p>From the <i>Gordon Stables</i> of HUTCHINSON & Co. + issues the nightmare tale of <i>The Cruise in the Crystal + Boat</i>; when finished, try their <i>Family Difficulty</i>, by + SARAH DOUDNEY. Send to the Deanery of DEAN AND SON, ask for + <i>Baby's Biography</i> and <i>The Little One's Own + Beehive</i>. The Spindleside department of the Baron's + Booking-Office recommends both the above for the Tiny Trots; + while the Spearside tells the boys to go in for MANVILLE FENN's + <i>Burr Junior</i> and Mrs. R. LEE's <i>Adventures in + Australia</i>. Then for all-comers, procure BEATRICE HARRADEN's + <i>New Book of Fairies</i>, for, our "Co." thus puts it, "This + is all concerning those poor little Fairies, about whom no one + takes any trouble, and who are left out in the cold at + Christmas time." Thus for this week conclude the duties of + Mesdames BLYTHE and GAY, the Baron's Lady Assistant Perusers. + "I trust my gentle Public will benefit by their advice," + quoth,</p> + + <p class="author">Theirs truly,<br /> + THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page266" + id="page266"></a>[pg 266]</span> + + <h2>"NOW YOU'RE <u>QUITE</u> THE GENTLEMAN!"</h2> + + <h4>(<i>A Ballad of Birmingham.</i>)</h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["You will not find an alliance in which the weaker side + has been so loyal, so straight, so single-hearted, so + patriotic as the Liberal Unionists have been during the + last five years.... Birmingham is the centre, the + consecration of this alliance."—<i>Lord Salisbury at + Birmingham.</i></p> + + <p>"Now I neither look for nor desire reunion" (with the + Gladstonian Liberals.)—<i>Mr. Chamberlain at + Birmingham.</i>]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:80%;"> + <a href="images/266.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/266.png" + alt="" /></a> + + <h4>AIR—"<i>Ye Gentlemen of + England</i>."<a id="footnotetag1" + name="footnotetag1"></a><a href="#footnote1"><sup>1</sup></a></h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Ye Gentlemen of England,</p> + + <p class="i2">Who follow SALIS-BU-RY,</p> + + <p>How little did you count upon</p> + + <p class="i2">Assistance from J.C.!</p> + + <p>Give ear unto his speeches old,</p> + + <p class="i2">And they will plainly show</p> + + <p>Once he'd scorn to be borne</p> + + <p class="i2">Where the Tory breezes blow,</p> + + <p class="i4">Where the Lilies and Primroses + bloom,</p> + + <p class="i4">And the Tory zephyrs blow.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>If once he did oppose you,</p> + + <p class="i2">To-day he is at war</p> + + <p>With GLADSTONE and his Items.</p> + + <p class="i2">Faith, JOE has travelled far!</p> + + <p>The Primrose Dames shall teach him</p> + + <p class="i2">True patriot "form" to know.</p> + + <p>He is leal, and will kneel</p> + + <p class="i2">To the "Lilies" in fair row;</p> + + <p class="i4">To the pretty, winsome Primrose + girls,</p> + + <p class="i4">Who buttonhole Brum JOE.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Ye Gentlemen of England,</p> + + <p class="i2">Whom once he did deride,</p> + + <p>How safe ye are, and how serene,</p> + + <p class="i2">With JOSEPH on your side.</p> + + <p>He talks no more of "Ransom"</p> + + <p class="i2">('Tis P-e-n-s-i-o-n rather now),</p> + + <p>Brum JOE will not go</p> + + <p class="i2">Where the Hawarden winds do blow;</p> + + <p class="i4">Where HARCOURT thunders loud and + long,</p> + + <p class="i4">And Gladstonians blare and blow.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The Orchid from his button</p> + + <p class="i2">JOE's willing to displace,</p> + + <p>To take the Primrose posy</p> + + <p class="i2">That's proffered by Her Grace.</p> + + <p>O gentle dame and dainty,</p> + + <p class="i2">What man could answer "No!"</p> + + <p>As you prest to his breast</p> + + <p class="i2">The most blessed flowers that + blow,</p> + + <p class="i4">The blossoms loved by + BEACONSFIELD</p> + + <p class="i4">The bravest blooms that blow?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>O (Brummagem) Tory Beauty,</p> + + <p class="i2">'Tis yours to consecrate</p> + + <p>The holiest Alliance</p> + + <p class="i2">Our land hath seen of late.</p> + + <p>Shall he reject its symbol,</p> + + <p class="i2">Or answer "Not for JOE!"?</p> + + <p>Nay, sweet girl, such a churl</p> + + <p class="i2">Were no "Gentleman" you know;</p> + + <p class="i4">And JOE is "quite the Gentleman,"</p> + + <p class="i4">Brum BRUMMEL in full blow!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Then courage, all brave Unionists,</p> + + <p class="i2">And never be afraid</p> + + <p>Whilst Brummagem Republican</p> + + <p class="i2">Is witched by Primrose Maid.</p> + + <p>There is soft fascination</p> + + <p class="i2">In radiant rank, we know;</p> + + <p>And a posy, though primrosy,</p> + + <p class="i2">From soft hands makes soft hearts + glow,</p> + + <p class="i4">Lilies—though they toil not nor + spin</p> + + <p class="i4">Are beauteous—in full blow!</p> + </div> + </div> + </div> + + <blockquote class="footnote"> + <a id="footnote1" + name="footnote1"></a><b>Footnote 1:</b> + <a href="#footnotetag1">(return)</a> + + <p>Mr. CHAMBERLAIN was once reported to have congratulated + himself upon his co-operation with "English Gentlemen."</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page267" + id="page267"></a>[pg 267]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/267-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/267-1.png" + alt="Chappie and Old Stalker." /></a> + + <p><i>Chappie</i> (<i>after missing his fourth Stag, + explains</i>). "AW—FACT IS, THE—AW—WAVING + GRASS WAS IN MY WAY."</p> + + <p><i>Old Stalker.</i> "HOOT, MON, WAD YE HAE ME BEING OUT + A SCYTHE?"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>Lord Lytton.</h2> + + <h4>BORN NOV. 8, 1831. DIED NOV. 24, 1891.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Were clever wise, were grandiose great,</p> + + <p>How many a servant of the State</p> + + <p class="i2">Had left a more enduring name.</p> + + <p>But all is not for all; 'tis far</p> + + <p>From flaming meteor to fixed star,</p> + + <p class="i2">From notoriety to fame.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Picturesque son of brilliant sire,</p> + + <p>It wanted but the touch of fire</p> + + <p class="i2">Prometheus only knows to bring</p> + + <p>The flame divine in him to wake</p> + + <p>Who moved our plaudits when he spake,</p> + + <p class="i2">But stirred no passion when he'd + sing.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The Orient pageantry he loved,</p> + + <p>The histrio not the hero moved,</p> + + <p class="i2">The <i>dilettante</i> not the sage.</p> + + <p>Hence in our England's East his hand</p> + + <p>Turned, in a story sternly grand,</p> + + <p class="i2">A motley mock-heroic page.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>He by the Seine found fitter place</p> + + <p>For courtly wit and modish grace,</p> + + <p class="i2">Than by the Indus. There right well</p> + + <p>His facile talent served his Chief;</p> + + <p>And England hears with genuine grief</p> + + <p class="i2">That sudden-sounding passing bell.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>New Name.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Who prizes Literature? All sorts and sizes</p> + + <p>Of literary wares now hang on "prizes."</p> + + <p>'Tis not prose fictionists or poem-spinners</p> + + <p>The public rush for; no, 'tis "all the winners!"</p> + + <p>Letters in lotteries find support most + sure—</p> + + <p>Let us be frank, and call them + <i>Lottery</i>ture!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>SUITOR RESARTUS.</h2> + + <h4><i>A Sentimental Dilemma.</i></h4> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:33%;"> + <a href="images/267-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/267-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>How can I woo you in this ancient suit?</p> + + <p class="i2">You do not notice it, of course; I know + it.</p> + + <p>My soul is burdened with a shapeless boot,</p> + + <p class="i2">Your heart is singing welcome to your + poet.</p> + + <p>Here in the shadowy settle I can sit</p> + + <p class="i2">And sparkle with you, brightly + confidential,</p> + + <p>But when into the lamp-bright zone you flit,</p> + + <p class="i2">I shrink into some corner + penitential.</p> + + <p>A well-dressed crowd, their tailors all unpaid,</p> + + <p class="i2">Throng round you there, and cuffs and + collars glisten;</p> + + <p>Of pity's blindness, as of scorn, afraid,</p> + + <p class="i2">I shun the merry fray, and darkling + listen,</p> + + <p>For who could urge the timidest of suits,</p> + + <p class="i2">Conscious of such indifferent clothes and + boots?</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>You think me quite as good as other men;</p> + + <p class="i2">Nay, more, I think you think me vastly + better;</p> + + <p>Your candid glances seem to ask me when</p> + + <p class="i2">I'll seek to bind you in a willing + fetter.</p> + + <p>Is this presumption? Not from friend to friend,</p> + + <p class="i2">Whose souls unite like clasping hands of + lovers;</p> + + <p>Yet can I breathe no word of love, to end</p> + + <p class="i2">The delicate doubt that o'er the unspoken + hovers.</p> + + <p>If I were hopeless that you loved me not,</p> + + <p class="i2">My hopeless love, confess'd, myself would + flatter,</p> + + <p>But should the blissful dream be true, I wot</p> + + <p class="i2">That love confess'd the joy of love would + shatter.</p> + + <p>My Queen, indeed as king I'd love to lord it;</p> + + <p class="i2">I cannot tell you that I can't afford + it.</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>POSSIBLE EXPLANATION:—"For many months nothing has + been heard of Lieutenant IVANITCH," was the remark of our + leading journal <i>à propos</i> of Russian disappearances. Is + it not probable that IVANITCH, unable to find a post to suit + him, has gone on tour with a "scratch company"?</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page268" + id="page268"></a>[pg 268]</span> + + <h2>THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS.</h2> + + <h3>No XVII.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>Under the Colonnade of the Hôtel Grande + Bretagne, Bellagio.</i> CULCHARD <i>is sitting by one of + the pillars, engaged in constructing a sonnet. On a + neighbouring seat a group of smart people are talking over + their acquaintances, and near them is another visitor, + a</i> Mr. CRAWLEY STRUTT, <i>who is watching his + opportunity to strike into the conversation.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Mrs. Hurlingham.</i> Well, she'll <i>be</i> Lady + CHESEPARE some day, when anything happens to the old Earl. He + was looking quite ghastly when we were down at SKYMPINGS last. + But they're frightfully badly off <i>now</i>, poor dears! Lady + DRIBLETT lets them have her house in Park Lane for parties and + that—but it's wonderful how they live at all!</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/268.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/268.png" + alt="'I don't know if you're acquainted with a paper called the <i>Penny Patrician</i>?'" /> + </a>"I don't know if you're acquainted with a paper called + the <i>Penny Patrician</i>?" + </div> + + <p><i>Colonel Sandown.</i> He looked pretty fit at the Rag the + other day. Come across the SENLACS anywhere? Thought Lady + SENLAC was going abroad this year.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. Crawley Strutt.</i> Hem—I saw it mentioned in + the <i>Penny Patrician</i> that her Ladyship had—</p> + + <p><i>Mrs. Hurl.</i> (<i>without taking the slightest notice of + him</i>). She's just been marryin' her daughter, you + know—rather a good match, too. Not what I call + pretty,—smart-lookin', that's all. But then her + <i>sister</i> wasn't pretty till she married.</p> + + <p><i>Col. Sand.</i> Nice family she married into! Met her + father-in-law, old Lord BLETHERHAM, the other morning, at a + chemist's in Piccadilly—he'd dropped in there for a + pick-me-up; and there he was, tellin' chemist all the troubles + he'd had with his other sons marryin' the way they did, and + that. Rum man to go and confide in his chemist, but he's like + that—fond of the vine!</p> + + <p><i>Mr. C.S.</i> Er—er—it's becoming a very + serious thing, Sir, the way our aristocracy is deteriorating, + is it not?</p> + + <p><i>Col. S.</i> Is it? What have they been up to now, eh? + Haven't seen a paper for days.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. C.S.</i> I mean these mixed marriages, and, well, + their general goings on, I don't know if you're acquainted with + a paper called the <i>Penny Patrician</i>? I take it in + regularly, and I assure <i>you</i>—loyal supporter of our + old hereditary institutions as I am—some of the + revelations I read about in high life make me blush—yes, + downright <i>blush</i> for them! [Mrs. HURLINGHAM + <i>retires.</i></p> + + <p><i>Col. S.</i> Do they, though? If I were you I should let + 'em do their own blushin', and save my pennies.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. C.S.</i> (<i>deferentially</i>). No doubt you're + right, Sir, but I <i>like</i> the <i>Patrician</i> + myself—it's very smartly written. Talking of that, do you + happen to know the ins and outs of that marriage of young Lord + GOSLINGTON's? Something very mysterious about the party he's + going to marry—who <i>are</i> her people now?</p> + + <p><i>Col. S.</i> Can't say, I'm sure—no business of + mine, you know.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. C.S.</i> There I venture to think you're wrong, Sir. + It's the business of everybody—the <i>duty</i>, I may + say—to see that the best blood of the nation is + not—(Col. S. <i>turns into the hotel</i>; Mr. C.S. + <i>sits down near</i> CULCH.)—Remarkably superior set of + visitors staying here, Sir! My chief objection to travel always + is, that it brings you in contact with parties you wouldn't + think of associating with at home. I was making that same + remark to a very pleasant little fellow I met on the + steamer—er—Lord UPPERSOLE, I think it was—and + he entirely concurred. Your friend made us + acquainted.—(PODBURY <i>comes out of the + hotel</i>.)—Ah, here <i>is</i> your + friend.—(<i>To</i> PODB.)—Seen his Lordship about + lately, Sir?—Lord UPPERSOLE, I <i>mean</i>, of + course!</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> UPPERSOLE? No—he's over at Cadenabbia, I + believe.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. C.S.</i> A highly agreeable spot to stay at. Indeed, + I've some idea myself of—Exceedingly pleasant person his + Lordship—so affable, so completely the gentleman!</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> Oh, he's affable enough—for a boot-maker. + I always give him a title when I see him, for the joke of the + thing—he likes it.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. C.S.</i> He <i>may</i>, Sir. I consider a title is + not a thing to be treated in that light manner. It—it was + an unpardonable liberty to force me into the society of that + class of person—unpardonable, Sir!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>He goes.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> Didn't take much <i>forcing</i>, after he once + heard me call him "Lord UPPERSOLE"! Where are all the others, + eh? Thought we were going up to the Villa Serbelloni this + afternoon.</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> I—er—have not been consulted. Are + they—er—<i>all</i> going?</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>With a shade of anxiety.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> I believe so. You needn't be afraid, you know. + HYPATIA won't have the chance of ragging you now—she and + Miss TROTTER have had a bit of a breeze.</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> I rather gathered as much. I think I could + guess the—</p> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> Yes, HYPATIA's rather uneasy about poor old + BOB; thinks Miss TROTTER is—well, carrying on, you know. + She is no end of a little flirt—<i>you</i> know that well + enough!—(C. <i>disclaims impatiently</i>.) Here you all + are, eh?—(<i>To</i> Miss P., Miss T., <i>and</i> + BOB.)—Well, who knows the way up to the villa?</p> + + <p><i>Miss T.</i> It's through the town, and up some steps by + the church—you cann't miss it. But Mr. PRENDERGAST is + going to show me a short cut up behind the hotel—aren't + you, Mr. PRENDERGAST?</p> + + <p><i>Miss P.</i> (<i>icily</i>). I really think, dear, it + would be better if we all kept together—for so + <i>many</i> reasons!</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>with alacrity</i>). I agree with Miss + PRENDERGAST. A short cut is invariably the most indirect + route.</p> + + <p><i>Miss P.</i> (<i>with intention</i>). You hear what Mr. + CULCHARD says, my dear MAUD? He advocates direct ways, as best + in the long run.</p> + + <p><i>Miss T.</i> It's only going to be a short run, my love. + But I'm vurry glad to observe that you and Mr. CULCHARD are so + perfectly harmonious, as I'm leaving him on your hands for a + spell. Aren't you ever coming, Mr. PRENDERGAST?</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>She leads him off, a not unwilling captive.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <h4><i>A Path in the Grounds of the Villa Serbelloni.</i></h4> + + <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>considerately, to</i> CULCHARD, <i>who is + following</i> Miss PRENDERGAST <i>and him, in acute + misery</i>). Look here, old fellow, Miss PRENDERGAST would like + to sit down, I know; so don't you bother about keeping with us + if you'd rather <i>not</i>, you know!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[CULCHARD <i>murmurs an inarticulate protest.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Miss P.</i> Surely, Mr. PODBURY, you are aware by this + time that Mr. CULCHARD has a perfect mania for + self-sacrifice!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[CULCHARD <i>drops behind, crushed.</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <h4><i>Among the Ruins at the top of the Hill.</i></h4> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>who has managed to overtake</i> Miss T. + <i>and her companion</i>). Now <i>do</i> oblige me by looking + through that gap in the pines towards Lecco. I particularly + wish you to observe the effect of light on those + cliffs—it's well worth your while.</p> + + <p><i>Miss T.</i> Why, certainly, it's a view that does you + infinite credit. Oh, you <i>didn't</i> take any hand in the + arrangement? But ain't you afraid if you go around patting the + scenery on the head this way, you'll have the lake + overflow?</p> + + <p><i>Bob. P.</i> Ha-ha-ha! One in the eye for <i>you</i>, + CULCHARD!</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>with dignity</i>). Surely one may express + a natural enthusiasm without laying oneself open—?</p> + + <p><i>Miss T.</i> Gracious, yes! I should hope you wouldn't + want to show your enthusiasm <i>that</i> way—like a + Japanese nobleman!</p> + + <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>to himself</i>). Now that's + coarse—<i>really</i> + coarse!—(<i>Aloud.</i>)—I seem to be unable to open + my mouth now without some ridiculous + distortion—</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page269" + id="page269"></a>[pg 269]</span> + + <p><i>Miss T.</i> My!—but that's a serious + symptom—isn't it? You don't feel like you were going to + have lock-jaw, do you, Mr. CULCHARD?</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[CULCHARD <i>falls back to the rear once more. + Later</i>—Mr. VAN BOODELER <i>has joined the + party</i>; HYPATIA <i>has contrived to detach her + brother</i>, CULCHARD <i>has sought refuge with</i> + PODBURY.</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Miss T.</i> (<i>to</i> VAN B.). So that's what kept you? + "Well, it sounds just too enchanting. But I cann't answer for + what Miss PRENDERGAST will say to it. It mayn't suit her + notions of propriety.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. Van B.</i> I expect she'll be superior to Britannic + prejudices of that kind. I consider your friend a highly + cultivated and charming lady, MAUD. She produces that + impression upon me.</p> + + <p><i>Miss T.</i> I presume, from that, she has shown an + intelligent interest in the great American novel?</p> + + <p><i>Mr. Van B.</i> Why, yes; it enlists her literary + sympathies—she sees all its possibilities.</p> + + <p><i>Miss T.</i> And they're pretty numerous, too. But here + she comes. You'd better tell her your plan right now.</p> + + <p><i>Miss P.</i> (<i>in an earnest undertone to</i> BOB, <i>as + they approach, followed by</i> CULCH. <i>and</i> BOB). You + <i>must</i> try and be sensible about it, BOB; if <i>you</i> + are too blind to see that she is only—</p> + + <p>BOB (<i>sulkily</i>). All <i>right</i>! Haven't I + <i>said</i> I'd go? What's the good of <i>jawing</i> about + it?</p> + + <p><i>Mr. V.B.</i> (<i>to</i> Miss P.) I've been telling my + cousin I've been organising a little water-party for this + evening—moonlight, mandolins, Menaggio. If you find that + alliteration has any attractions, I hope you and your brother + will do me the pleasure of—</p> + + <p><i>Miss P.</i> I'm afraid not, thanks. We have all our + packing to do. We find we shall have to leave early + to-morrow.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[Van B.'s <i>face falls</i>; BOB <i>listens gloomily + to</i> Miss T.'s <i>rather perfunctory expressions of + regret</i>; PODBURY <i>looks anxious and undecided</i>; + CULCHARD <i>does his best to control an unseemly + joy.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE GOOD NEW "TIMES."</h2> + + <p>Nobody, after visiting Terry's Theatre, can apply to Mr. + PINERO's piece the hackneyed phrase,—used apologetically + by an unconscionable reader after detaining the leading journal + for three-quarters of an hour,—"Oh, there's nothing in + <i>The Times</i>," for, in Mr. PINERO's piece there is plenty + of amusement, if not of absorbing interest.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:25%;"> + <a href="images/269-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/269-1.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>The story is that of a <i>parvenu</i>, whose sole object in + life, to be recognised by "Society," is thwarted by the + marriage of his good-for-nothing son with the daughter of an + Irish lodging-house keeper. The struggles of <i>Mr. and Mrs. + Bompas</i> to conceal this <i>mésalliance</i>, and the + assistance given them in their difficulties by the <i>Hon. + Montague Trimble</i>, constitute the motive of the play. But + the question that must occur to the critical mind is, "Did the + author mean this piece for high comedy, or farcical comedy?" If + the former, then Mr. TERRY is wrong in his conception of the + part; if the latter, everybody else is wrong in their + conception of their parts.</p> + + <p>It seems to me as if, in the course of rehearsal, the + peculiarities distinguishing the character of <i>Percy Egerton + Bompas, M.P.</i>, had gradually become assimilated with the + individualities of the actor, Mr. EDWARD TERRY. If Mr. PINERO + so meant it, if he so wrote it for Mr. TERRY and for Mr. TERRY + only, then there is nothing more to be said; Mr. PINERO's ideal + is realised. But if the author did <i>not</i> intend Mr. + TERRY's impersonation, then he must be content to sacrifice the + ideal to the real, shrug his shoulders, and pocket his profits. + Yet, as if making an appeal to the public to judge between the + auctorial abstract and the representational concrete, Mr. + PINERO not only publishes his playbook, but sells it in the + theatre. Visitors to TERRY's, who buy the book, will judge the + play by its stage interpretation that has had the advantage of + the author's personal supervision and direction. The + representation, therefore, is either more or less in accordance + with his teaching, or flatly contradicts it.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/269-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/269-2.png" + alt="One or the Leaders in The Times." /></a>One of + the Leaders in <i>The Times</i>. + </div> + + <p>The publication of the book of a comedy in a theatre may be + thankfully received as a present help to the audience, and an + aid to memory afterwards, or it may be considered as a protest + on the part of the author who says, "Here's what I have + written. See how they act it: whether it be farce or comedy, + judge for yourselves. You pay your money, and you take your + choice." Suffice it, then, to record that, on the night of this + deponent's visit, the piece played from eight till past eleven, + and that the audience from first to last was generally amused, + but, I should be inclined to say, particularly disappointed at + the collapse of Mr. TERRY's part in the last Act (the principal + portion of which he passes curled up on a sofa, with the top of + his forehead powdered white! Why?), and mystified by the sudden + and apparently unnecessary revelation, made by <i>Miss + Cazalet</i>, to the effect that <i>Lucy Tuck</i> (a mentally + and physically short-sighted girl) is her illegitimate + daughter; and these two last-named personages, though essential + to the plot, fail unfortunately in rousing any sentiment of + pity or of sympathy.</p> + + <p>Mr. ELLIOT is excellent as the <i>Hon. Montague Trimble</i>; + nothing better, apart from Mr. HARE's eccentric characters, has + been seen on the stage for some considerable time. I hope the + author is of the same opinion. Mr. FRED THORNE is capital as + the Irish Member; and as <i>Mrs. Hooley</i>, an obtrusively + Irish eccentricity of Thackerayan extraction, Miss ALEXES + LEIGHTON is very good, for the character, as drawn by the + author, <i>is</i> obtrusive, and is so meant to be. The <i>Mrs. + Egerton Bompas</i> of Miss FANNY BROUGH is <i>the</i> woman to + the life, and, in my humble judgment, Miss BROUGH's + impersonation is well-nigh faultless. Whether, if the part of + <i>Egerton Bompas</i> were played as high comedy, this would + still improve Miss BROUGH's impersonation of <i>Mrs. Bompas</i> + or not, it is difficult to decide; but I am inclined to think + this would be the result. What does the author think? Most + likely he will continue to "think"; it is the wiser course. Mr. + HENRY V. ESMOND makes the lad, <i>Howard Bompas</i>, + unnecessarily repulsive; but if, in doing so, he is only + exactly carrying out the author's idea, <i>i.e.</i>, "Master's + orders," then he is no longer responsible for the overcharged + colouring. The probable fate of this unhappy pair, an impulsive + uneducated kind of Irish orange-girl married to a contemptible + young sot, is not a pleasant termination to the story, nor is + the anticipatory sadness felt for the future of this + ill-assorted couple in any way dissipated by the stereotyped + and perfunctory offer of marriage made by the young London + Journal Nobleman to the daughter of the utterly crushed snob + just before the Curtain descends.</p> + + <p>Why the piece is called <i>The Times</i>, remains a mystery. + <i>To-day</i> would have been better; that is, if by <i>The + Times</i> is only meant "The Present Day." And if it doesn't + mean this, what meaning has it? For alliterative advertisement + it may be useful; <i>e.g.</i>, "Times at TERRY's." The dialogue + generally is easy, natural and telling.</p> + + <p class="author">Yours,<br /> + PRIVATE BOX.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>FOLLOW THE BARON!</h2> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>["Such characters as he should retire into fiction, they + are too exaggerated for real life."—<i>"Times" on Mr. + R.L. Stevenson's Sad Maron of Samou.</i>]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Oh, most excellent true! How I thank thee, great + <i>Times</i>,</p> + + <p class="i2">For teaching that phrase! 'Tis + delicious!</p> + + <p>Fiction! The haunt of mad follies, crass crimes,</p> + + <p class="i2">Fads futile, and tastes meretricious.</p> + + <p>Oh, joy, to transport to that Limbo of Fools,</p> + + <p class="i2">Upon trial and honest conviction,</p> + + <p>The plagues of our Parties, our Churches, our + Schools,</p> + + <p class="i2">Who ought to "retire into Fiction."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>When WINDYWHAME, M.P., goes spouting about,</p> + + <p class="i2">His flatulent madness and malice;</p> + + <p>When SLUDGE, after years of dogmatical doubt,</p> + + <p class="i2">Finds Faith's Wonderland worthy of + <i>Alice</i>;</p> + + <p>When POPINJAY airs his effeminate Art,</p> + + <p class="i2">And DOBBS sputters dirt in choice + diction,</p> + + <p>Ye gods, there'd be joy in Church, Forum, and + Mart,</p> + + <p class="i2">If the fools would "retire into + Fiction."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Pragmatical pietists, sceptics obtuse</p> + + <p class="i2">Who Progress impede with crude + cackle,</p> + + <p>Predestinate duffers of prattle profuse,</p> + + <p class="i2">Who the biggest world-problems would + tackle;</p> + + <p>State-quacks, shouting Emperors, queer School-Board + cranks,</p> + + <p class="i2">We'll give you our best benediction,</p> + + <p>And speed you at parting with heartiest thanks,</p> + + <p class="i2">If you'll only—"retire into + Fiction!"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page270" + id="page270"></a>[pg 270]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/270.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/270.png" + alt="EMANCIPATION." /></a> + + <h3>EMANCIPATION.</h3><i>Young Bride of Three Hours' + standing</i> (<i>just starting on her Wedding + Trip</i>).—"OH, EDWIN DEAR! HERE'S '<i>TOM + JONES</i>.' PAPA TOLD ME I WASN'T TO READ IT TILL I WAS + MARRIED! THE DAY HAS COME ... AT LAST! BUY IT FOR ME, EDWIN + DEAR." + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>ARMING THE AMAZONS.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Modern Brummagem Version.</i>)</h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[At the meeting (at Birmingham) of the National Union of + Conservative and Constitutional Associations, a resolution + in favour of "considering the claims of women to be + admitted to the franchise when entitled by ownership or + occupation," was carried "by an overwhelming majority, amid + loud cheers." Mrs. FAWCETT afterwards said, "What new + forces were they (the Conservative Party) prepared to bring + against the anarchy, socialism and revolution which were + arrayed against them? The granting of women's suffrage + would be against the disintegrating power of the other + side, as women were everywhere anti-revolutionary + forces.... This would add about 800,000 to the electorate. + They would be, she believed, middle-aged women of property, + than whom she thought they could not assemble more + anti-revolutionary forces."]</p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Trojan Leader loquitur</i>:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>To arm the Amazons against the Greeks,</p> + + <p>OVIDIUS hints, proud manhood galls and piques.</p> + + <p>No doubt; yet NASO did it in his day,</p> + + <p>And we, in ours, who, sorely-pressed, would stay</p> + + <p>The rising tide of Revolution, check</p> + + <p>Disintegration, of the claws who'd peck</p> + + <p>At our political sleeves and platform hearts</p> + + <p>Must not be frightened.</p> + + <p class="i4">"Rummiest of starts,"</p> + + <p>The ribald Cockney cries; to see at length,</p> + + <p>"The Tory seeking to recruit his strength</p> + + <p>Prom those he dubbed, in earlier, scornfuller + mood</p> + + <p>The crowing hens, the shrieking sisterhood!"</p> + + <p>Shade of sardonic SMOLLETT, haunt no more</p> + + <p>St. Stephen's precincts; list not to the roar</p> + + <p>Of the mad Midland cheers, when FEILDING's plan</p> + + <p>Of levelling (moneyed) Woman up to Man</p> + + <p>Wins "Constitutional" support and votes</p> + + <p>From a "majority" of Tory throats!</p> + + <p>Mrs. LYNN LINTON, how this vote must vex,</p> + + <p>That caustic censor of her own sweet sex!</p> + + <p>Wild Women—<i>with</i> the Suffrage! Fancy + that,</p> + + <p>O fluent Lady, at tart nick-names pat!</p> + + <p>Girls of the Period? They were bad enough,</p> + + <p>But what a deal of skimble-skamble stuff</p> + + <p>Will Mrs. FAWCETT's Middle-aged Ones talk</p> + + <p>When these eight hundred thousand <i>hens</i> o' the + walk</p> + + <p>Cackle for Order, Purity, and Peace!!!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Partlets <i>may</i> save our Capitol, as geese</p> + + <p>Once did the Roman; nigh a million—JUNOS,</p> + + <p>Roll back the tide of Revolution. Who knows?</p> + + <p>Not PRIAM-SALISBURY. Does <i>he</i> look askance</p> + + <p>At the new Amazonian Queen's advance?</p> + + <p>Does he hide apprehension with a smile?</p> + + <p>The Amazons are used to Grecian guile;</p> + + <p>ACHILLES-GLADSTONE sorely they mistrust.</p> + + <p>Which side will give them more than fain it + must?</p> + + <p>To-day the Trojans show the friendlier front</p> + + <p>PENTHESILEA, whom the Greeks would shunt,</p> + + <p>Proffers her aid to Tory Troy, to keep</p> + + <p>High Ilium against the foes who creep</p> + + <p>Nearer and nearer to its sacred walls.</p> + + <p>ACHILLES o'er the trenches loudly calls,</p> + + <p>In menace fierce, thrasonic in his boast,</p> + + <p>His Myrmidons, a mad and motley host,</p> + + <p>Mean boundless mischief, the Palladium's gone</p> + + <p>If they are not repulsed. It <i>must</i> be + done,</p> + + <p>Come what, come will. PRIAM has trimmed his + sails</p> + + <p>To popular winds until the pilot fails</p> + + <p>To know the old and carefully charted course.</p> + + <p>His wisdom, and brave ARTHUR-HECTOR's force,</p> + + <p>May yet prove vain if no auxiliar hand</p> + + <p>Help yon Anarchic legions to withstand.</p> + + <p>The Amazonian host? Aha! Well hit!</p> + + <p>Scruple to take she-helping? Not a bit</p> + + <p>Too late for proud punctilio. No, this Queen</p> + + <p>Is not so lovely, of such royal mien,</p> + + <p>As hers who witched ACHILLES e'en in death.</p> + + <p>An elderly Amazon of shortish breath,</p> + + <p>With gingham huge and gig-lamps, though she hold</p> + + <p>That "Property" buckler broad and bossed with + gold</p> + + <p>Is scarce a Siren—of the ancient style;</p> + + <p>More of Minerva's frown than Venus' smile!</p> + + <p>But then, eight hundred thousand!!! There's the + rub.</p> + + <p>Recruited from the Platform and the Tub,</p> + + <p>With Middle-aged and Propertied Amazons,</p> + + <p>Ilium may master e'en the Myrmidons.</p> + + <p>Come, anti-revolutionaries, come!</p> + + <p>Strike Anarchy dead, and Socialism dumb!</p> + + <p>Accept new arms, ye maiden cohorts! Take</p> + + <p>The weapon that shall make ACHILLES shake,</p> + + <p>And reinforce, against the wiles of Greece,</p> + + <p>The powers of Property, Privilege, and Peace!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h3>OPTIMISM.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"All's for the best," smirks fatuous DIVES. He</p> + + <p><i>Means</i>, "I'm the best, and therefore all's for + <i>me</i>."</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page271" + id="page271"></a>[pg 271]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/271.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/271.png" + alt="ARMING THE AMAZONS." /></a> + + <h3>ARMING THE AMAZONS.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>PRIAM (<i>loquitur</i>). "ACCEPT NEW ARMS, YE + MAIDEN COHORTS! TAKE</p> + + <p class="i10">THE WEAPON THAT SHALL MAKE ACHILLES + SHAKE,</p> + + <p class="i10">AND REINFORCE, AGAINST THE WILES OF + GREECE,</p> + + <p class="i10">THE POWERS OF PROPERTY, PRIVILEGE, + AND PEACE!"</p> + </div> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page273" + id="page273"></a>[pg 273]</span> + + <h2>ONLY FANCY!</h2> + + <p>We understand that Mr. GLADSTONE has followed, with much + interest, the speeches delivered in the country last week, and + was observed to be visibly affected at the touching spectacle + of the final reconciliation of Lord SALISBURY and Mr. + CHAMBERLAIN at Birmingham. "They toil not, neither do they + spin," he said, furtively wiping away a tear; "nevertheless, + they seem made for each other's company."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:35%;"> + <a href="images/273.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/273.png" + alt="'A Fantasy of Disordered Imagination.'" /></a>"A + Fantasy of Disordered Imagination." + </div> + + <p>The Right Hon. Gentleman will take his turn next week, and a + report is current in interested quarters, that he as gone into + training under the personal direction of Sir WILLIAM HARCOURT + and Mr. JOHN MORLEY, who assist to support him whilst he + rehearses his speech. This is a fantasy of disordered + imagination. Mr. G. is in splendid form, spoiling for a + fight.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>A trustworthy Correspondent informs us that, owing to + accidental displacement of his notes, a telling point was + omitted from Lord SALISBURY's first speech at Birmingham. It + was intended to come in at the passage where the PREMIER boldly + flouted apprehension, of Ministerial disaster at the General + Election. He had meant to cite Mr. JACKSON's appointment as + conclusive proof that the Government would exist at least up to + the year 1900.</p> + + <p>"SHAKSPEARE," he should have said, "has written, 'a tanner + will last you nine year,' and of course the duration of the + Government will be co-incidental with the prolongation of the + term of our Financial Secretary to the Treasury, withdrawn from + commercial pursuits at Leeds."</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>HERR VON DER BLOWITZOWN-TROMP has some interesting + reminiscences of the lamented Baron MAC HINERY. "When he was + appointed Legate at the Court of the Isle of Man," writes the + great historian of our times, "he dined with me in passing + through Nanterre. It was the very day the Marquis DE MOULIN had + been elected Pompier. The other guests were, His Excellency the + CON OF CRIM TARTARY, Prince ALLEZ-VOUS-EN, His Excellency the + VICUNA of BRAZIL, the SANDWICH AMBASSADOR, the DOGE of VENICE, + and the Baron MUNCHAUSEN, who was a kind of amateur partner of + mine, in whom I had much confidence—I always left him + with my day's correspondence ready to be committed to paper. In + the course of the dinner a stupid <i>garçon</i>, handing the + ice round, dropped a small piece down the back of the neck of + the DOGE of VENICE. With great presence of mind Baron + MUNCHAUSEN seized the poker (which fortunately happened to be + in the fire), and, with inimitable dexterity, passed the + red-hot brand between the DOGE's shirt-collar and his neck, + and, deftly touching the piece of ice, melted it. It was an + awkward moment. The canned lobster was just served, but no one + thought of eating it. The CON of CRIM TARTARY turning to Baron + MAC HINERY, said,—</p> + + <p>"You, my Lord, who are disinterested in this matter, tell us + what you think of it."</p> + + <p>"I think," replied the Baron, with admirable + <i>sangfroid</i>, "his Highness the DOGE would have felt better + if the ice had been warmer, and the poker cooler."</p> + + <p>Everybody laughed. The DOGE and Baron MUNCHAUSEN shook + hands, and the dinner ended gaily.</p> + <hr class="short" /> + + <p>RYMOND, writing <i>lui-même</i> with too infrequent pen, + makes pathetic reference to the death of "one of the largest + and best known purveyors of Rhine wine, with whom I have had + business relations and personal intercourse for nearly thirty + years." There is, we need hardly say, no basis for the + insinuation thrown out by HENED that the business relations + referred to were of the commission order sometimes established + between purveyors of Rhine and other wines and gentlemen who + have a wide circle of friends.</p> + <hr /> + + <h2>THEORY AND PRACTICE.</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>SCENE—<i>Interior of a First-class Railway + Carriage. Theoretical Passenger and Practical Passenger + discussing the "Unreadiness of England."</i></p> + </blockquote> + + <p><i>Theoretical Passenger</i> (<i>at the conclusion of a long + account of the national shortcomings</i>). Yes, my dear Sir, + France has only to declare war to-morrow, and we are completely + ruined! We cease to exist as a nation!</p> + + <p><i>Practical Passenger</i> (<i>with a smile</i>). But hasn't + this been said about us—by ourselves—for any number + of years?</p> + + <p><i>Theo. Pas.</i> Doubtless, but that does not make it the + less true.</p> + + <p><i>Prac. Pas.</i> Possibly; still, it is encouraging to find + that we <i>do</i> exist in spite of the "temptation to belong + to other nations."</p> + + <p><i>Theo. Pas.</i> (<i>annoyed</i>). Ah! you treat the matter + with levity; but I assure you it is a most serious thing! How + would you like to be bombarded?</p> + + <p><i>Prac. Pas.</i> Not at all. The more especially as it + would be a great expense to the enemy.</p> + + <p><i>Theo. Pas.</i> (<i>with dignified resentment</i>). I see + you consider the subject a proper topic for raillery! It is a + very fine day!</p> + + <p><i>Prac. Pas.</i> (<i>in a conciliatory tone</i>). No, no, I + can assure you I am deeply interested. But how about our + Fleet—surely that should protect us?</p> + + <p><i>Theo. Pas.</i> You must be very much behind the age to + say so. Our Fleet is practically valueless. It is perfectly + easy to invade us at a dozen places. If the French went to + Ireland (as they did in the last century), the conquest of + England would be assured. They would (with the assistance of a + friendly peasantry), get their supplies and make good their + footing.</p> + + <p><i>Prac. Pas.</i> But how about our Army?</p> + + <p><i>Theo. Pas.</i> A farce! An expensive farce. We have no + Regulars, the Militia exists only on paper, and the Volunteers + are valueless.</p> + + <p><i>Prac. Pas.</i> Then why not have a + Conscription—that would bring up our Army with a run?</p> + + <p><i>Theo. Pas.</i> A Conscription! My dear Sir, the nation + wouldn't think of such a thing! No, not for a single + moment!</p> + + <p><i>Prac. Pas.</i> (<i>after a pause</i>). Well, what is to + be done?</p> + + <p><i>Theo. Pas.</i> (<i>promptly</i>). Nothing, except to + write to the papers and submit to our fate.</p> + + <p><i>Prac. Pas.</i> Is there any objection to the construction + of the Channel Tunnel?</p> + + <p><i>Theo. Pas.</i> (<i>carelessly</i>). None in the + least—but why do you ask?</p> + + <p><i>Prac. Pas.</i> Because, if in the case of war, the entire + French nation pours into England;—as you say it will?</p> + + <p><i>Theo. Pas.</i> Certainly.</p> + + <p><i>Prac. Pas.</i> The best thing we can do is to utilise the + Tunnel, pour into France, and stay there! It will be only + changing sides!</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>[<i>Conversation interrupted by whistle, and consequent + rattle and darkness.</i></p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <h2>THE SPHINX AND THE STICK.</h2> + + <h4><i>A Song wherein is suggested a suitable Subject for an + Ibsenite Tragedy.</i></h4> + + <blockquote class="note"> + <p>[Sir JAMES CRICHTON-BROWNE thinks that "the reserve and + suppression of emotional movement which is observed in + English people" will probably result in all the women + becoming sphinxes, and all the men sticks.]</p> + </blockquote> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Oh! do wag your head!" said the Sphinx to the + Stick.</p> + + <p>"I <i>can't</i>," he replied, "or I would, darling, + quick!</p> + + <p>If you'll only indulge in a shrug and some + winks,</p> + + <p>You'll perhaps set <i>me</i> off," said the Stick to + the Sphinx.</p> + + <p>"Nay, long 'inhibition,'" the Sphinx made reply,</p> + + <p>"Has imparted rigidity, love, to my eye."</p> + + <p>"'Emotional movement' no longer is mine,"</p> + + <p>Sighed the Stick to the Sphinx; "though I greatly + incline</p> + + <p>To a dig in your ribs, or a slap on your back</p> + + <p>(As a sign of my love), all my muscles are + slack.</p> + + <p>My poor 'motor-centres' are all out of gear,</p> + + <p>And I can't even 'chuck' your soft chin, sweet, I + fear.</p> + + <p>I'm sure such a stolid inflexible 'stick' you'll + hate,</p> + + <p>But, though I adore you, I <i>cannot</i> + gesticulate—"</p> + + <p>"My case is as bad," sighed the Sphinx to the + Stick,</p> + + <p>"For I cannot 'bridle'—no more than a + brick."</p> + + <p>Said the Stick to the Sphinx, "Ah, we once knew what + love meant!</p> + + <p>But, thanks to the loss of 'emotional movement,'</p> + + <p>We can't give it 'graceful and chastened + expression,'</p> + + <p>And so it seems slipping fast out of possession.</p> + + <p>Heigho! we had far better die, darling, quick!</p> + + <p>Since you are a Sphinx, love, and I'm but a + Stick!"</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>VERY LIKELY—JUST NOW.—A place to spend a Quiet + Sunday—Eastbourne.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page274" + id="page274"></a>[pg 274]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/274.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/274.png" + alt="MR. PUNCH ON TOUR IN YORKSHIRE." /></a> + + <h3>MR. PUNCH ON TOUR IN YORKSHIRE.</h3> + </div> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page275" + id="page275"></a>[pg 275]</span> + + <h2>"ON THE HYP"-NOTIST.</h2> + + <h4>(<i>Fragment from a Romance purely imaginary and yet to be + written.</i>)</h4> + + <p>The <i>Savants</i> were gathered together to consider the + question of Hypnotism. They had been appointed by a learned + Association, and their Hon. Secretary had distinguished himself + by writing a letter, which if eccentric in punctuation, was yet + to the point.</p> + + <p>"We must not forget, Gentlemen," said one of the learned + persons, "that we have been appointed to investigate the use of + Hypnotism as a therapeutic agent. It will be our duty to + ascertain, if it is possible, that operations can be performed + under the shield of its anæsthesia."</p> + + <p>"You are indeed right," replied another, "and it is + fortunate in one sense that we have not had the advantage of + greeting at our board, Doctor OWEN COLEMAN of Dunedin, + Surbiton."</p> + + <p>"Why so?" asked a third.</p> + + <p>"Because," returned <i>Savant</i> No. 2, "that distinguished + Member of the Medical Profession can give instances of + successful treatment under the prescribed circumstances. For + instance, JULES CLOQUET, as early as 1845 was using Hypnotism + in the cause of painless surgery. However, our pleasant little + gathering can do no harm."</p> + + <p>"Perhaps not," acquiesced <i>Savant</i> No. 3. "Although it + is only right to remark that had we had Dr. COLEMAN's + knowledge, we should have possibly considered it <i>qua</i> + Committee a trifle superfluous."</p> + + <p>"Do you not think we ought to visit the Aquarium?" asked the + first speaker. "I am told that there is a Hypnotist who appears + there twice a-day, and whose exhibition, from a scientific + point of view, should be decidedly interesting."</p> + + <p>After this there was a speedy departure, and for some hours + the Committee lounged about the Aquarium, They there saw a + female acrobat of great strength. Then they paid a visit to the + Alhambra, where they met a pleasant young lady, who, seemingly + without any assistance, lifted four or five bulky gentlemen + seated on a chair. This she did without any exertion and with a + smiling countenance. On their return to their private room, + they seemed somewhat hostile to the pretensions of the + Hypnotist, whose feats they had just witnessed—they + preferred to his performances the feats of the Magnetic + Lady.</p> + + <div class="figleft" + style="width:30%;"> + <a href="images/275-2.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/275-2.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>"Quite a mistake," said one; "instead of taking off a leg, + or showing the strength of a billiard cue, he makes men believe + that they are swimming in a tank!"</p> + + <p>"Very undignified," remarked another; "it would have been so + much better had he performed a surgical operation—say, + setting a compound fracture of the leg, like that performed by + two medical men in 1845; and more interesting to the vast + majority of the audience."</p> + + <p>"But the Alhambra was excellent," was the reply. "Suppose we + send to our Committee a Report of the 'Magnetic Lady' and + ignore the Hypnotist?"</p> + + <p>And so it was decided, and it was time to write their + Report. Then pens, ink, and paper were produced, and the + <i>Savants</i> prepared for work. They had scarcely commenced, + when a gentleman stood in their midst, and glared at them. He + gave them each a disc, and commanded them to gaze upon its + surface. Then, one by one, they fell over fast asleep. He + placed them back in their chairs.</p> + + <p>"Now for your Report," he murmured. "And so you would ignore + <i>my</i> show and praise another! But you are in my power, and + <i>shall</i> obey me! Write what I dictate!" And so they wrote. + And, strange as it may appear to non-believers in Hypnotism, + the Report, when published, was found to be an excellent + advertisement for the Royal Westminster Aquarium!</p> + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" + style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/275-1.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/275-1.png" + alt="SENILE FELINE AMENITIES." /></a> + + <h3>SENILE FELINE AMENITIES.</h3> + + <p>"WELL, GOOD AFTERNOON—I'M GOING TO CALL ON MY + MOTHER!"</p> + + <p>"WHAT! YOU DON'T MEAN TO SAY YOU'VE GOT A MOTHER + <i>LIVING</i>?"</p> + + <p>"OH YES—AND SHE DON'T LOOK A BIT OLDER THAN + <i>YOU</i> DO—I ASSURE YOU!"</p> + </div> + <hr /> + + <h2>OUR FINANCIAL COLUMN.</h2> + + <p class="author"><i>Orl Court, E.C.<a id="footnotetag2" + name="footnotetag2"></a><a href="#footnote2"><sup>2</sup></a></i></p> + + <p>I am preparing a big <i>coup</i>, and wish all my friends to + be in it. My friends are legion, it is true, but they may + depend upon me to do the best for all. Nothing on the gigantic + scale I am now preparing has been seen or heard of in the + Financial World since the days of the Flood, when NOAH's + floating capital weathered the storm. What was the stock worth + when Father NOAH once again touched land? Expect the biggest + result ever known. I may be sanguine. I have the right to be + so.</p> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:20%;"> + <a href="images/275-3.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/275-3.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <p>"PONY."—Yes. Buy A. and C.N.B.—Invest big cheque + with yours truly. The only safe and profitable investment.</p> + + <p>"D.A.H."—Don't you do it, or you'll be H.A.D. Send + cheques here. Strict account kept, and gains delivered in cash + by special messenger.</p> + + <p>"A HESITATER."—Don't doubt for a moment. Sell + everything right off, and invest proceeds by cheque with your + friend."</p> + + <p>"A.S.S."—The Dividend days of the "<i>Ex-Nihilo-Fit + Loan and Insurance Company</i> are April 1, up to mid-day, and + September 31.</p> + + <p>So much for some of the principal Correspondents who require + an answer in my weekly article. As for myself, I can only say + that my motto is, "<i>Confidentia Illimitata et Nulla Pecunia + redditur</i>." Within the last month the gross earnings of the + office on behalf of my clients has been £12,345,678,910 which + compares favourably with the previous month. Every penny of + this, equal to 50 per cent. profit to every one of my clients, + will be distributed within a week with a handsome bonus of + twenty-five pounds to everyone sending in his coupon or cheque + for fifteen sovereigns by twelve o'clock next Tuesday, after + which hour it is impossible for any one, be he who he may, from + Kaiser to Chimney-sweeper, to participate in the enormous + profit which will have been honestly earned by</p> + + <p class="author">Yours truly,<br /> + CROESUS.</p> + + <blockquote class="footnote"> + <a id="footnote2" + name="footnote2"></a><b>Footnote 2:</b> + <a href="#footnotetag2">(return)</a> + + <p>N.B.—Note change of address.</p> + </blockquote> + <hr /> + + <p>SHORTLY TO APPEAR.—<i>A Morning without Boots</i>, by + the Author of <i>A Knight without Spurs</i>.</p> + <hr /> + <span class="pagenum"><a name="page276" + id="page276"></a>[pg 276]</span> + + <h2>POPULAR SONGS RE-SUNG;</h2> + + <h3>OR, MISS BOWDLER AT THE MUSIC HALLS.</h3> + + <h3>No. III.—THE SPOOKS IN THE SQUARE.</h3> + + <h4>AIR—"<i>The Goblins in the Churchyard</i>."</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I went down to the Psychical Society one night,</p> + + <p>And heard them talk of Spooks and things that filled + me with affright.</p> + + <p>The Psychical Society, as every member boasts,</p> + + <p>Was founded with the object of investigating + Ghosts!</p> + + <p>Now Ghosts, the modern species, are of very various + sorts,</p> + + <p>For like some plants, as botanists say, they seem to + run to "sports."</p> + + <p>I used to think a spectre <i>was</i> a spectre, but + I find</p> + + <p>The "Psychical" can furnish Spooks of every class + and kind.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <h4><i>Chorus.</i></h4> + + <div class="figright" + style="width:40%;"> + <a href="images/276.png"><img width="100%" + src="images/276.png" + alt="" /></a> + </div> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Some of the Ghosts are little, some of the Ghosts + are big,</p> + + <p>Some come in the guise of a headless man, and some + of a spectre pig.</p> + + <p>Some of them laugh "Ha! ha!" Some of them wail + "Heigho!"</p> + + <p>And I felt that night in a doose of a fright before + it was time to go.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I had read <i>Phantasmagoria</i> by that writer + quaint but grand,</p> + + <p>Who penned <i>The Hunting of the Snark</i> and + <i>Alice in Wonderland</i>.</p> + + <p>And I thought I knew a thing or two, or might be + even three,</p> + + <p>About a Ghoul, and a Fay or Troll, and a Brownie or + Banshee.</p> + + <p>I knew that a Banshee always howled, whilst a Goblin + might but yawn,</p> + + <p>I also knew that a Poltergeist was <i>not</i> a + Leprechaun,</p> + + <p>But the Psychicals, I'm bound to say, had me on + "buttered toastes"</p> + + <p>With the wonderful changes which they rang on the + good old Churchyard "Ghostes."</p> + </div> + </div> + + <h4><i>Chorus.</i></h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Some of their Ghosts were sages, some of them seemed + sheer noddies;</p> + + <p>Some of the same like a "Wandering Flame," and + others as "Astral Bodies."</p> + + <p>Some of theirs croaked "Ha! ha!" some of them + chuckled "Ho! ho!"</p> + + <p>And I got so sad, I was heartily glad when I found + it was time to go.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I dropped into the "Rose and Crown," a highly + respectable tavern,</p> + + <p>For Ghosts are dry, and my thirst was high, my + throat like a chalky cavern.</p> + + <p>I didn't have much, only four of cold Scotch, which + is good to moisten chalk.</p> + + <p>The night was fine, it was twelve twenty-nine, so I + thought I might just as well walk.</p> + + <p>But when I entered Trafalgar Square, I heard a + mysterious sound;</p> + + <p>There was not even a Bobby in sight as I stole a + glance around;</p> + + <p>But seated on NELSON's lions four, and perched on + the neighbouring "posteses,"</p> + + <p>I saw, as we said in our Nursery Rhyme, a dozen or + so of "Ghosteses"!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <h4><i>Chorus.</i></h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Some of the Ghosts were short, some of the Ghosts + were tall,</p> + + <p>Some of them had most preposterous noddles, and some + of them none at all,</p> + + <p>They all gave a shrill "Ha! ha!" they all gave a + hushed "Ho! ho!"</p> + + <p>I turned in a fright and I wished 'em good + night—but they would not let me go!</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Then one of the Ghosts began to speak; down on my + knees I sank,</p> + + <p>"I am a Nobleman's Ghost," said he, "and mine + offence is Rank!</p> + + <p>I never cared for the Common Herd, the People I + loved to crush;</p> + + <p>My only remark on the Poor was 'Pooh!' my retort to + the Toilers 'Tush!'</p> + + <p>And if they dared to grumble, why, I used to raise + my rents,</p> + + <p>For I always held that the Mob were made to keep up + the Cent-per-cents,</p> + + <p>And now in this Square I hear BURNS's blare, see the + Red Banner wave,</p> + + <p>And Society swished by the Socialist; so I cannot + rest in my grave."</p> + </div> + </div> + + <h4><i>Chorus.</i></h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Another Ghost commenced. He said: "I was a great + R.A.</p> + + <p>(I remember the time when we used to meet in "the + pepper-pots," over the way),</p> + + <p>My daubs were always hung on the line, for ourselves + we used to judge,</p> + + <p>Our sole Ideal conventional cant, our + <i>technique</i> broad brown smudge.</p> + + <p>And now BURNE JONES's pictures + <i>sell</i>!!!"—here he writhed with a spectral + twist—</p> + + <p>"And our 'broad brown smudge' gives way to the fudge + cranks call 'Impressionist.'</p> + + <p>I've lost my head, as perhaps you mark—though + I keep a ventriloquist tongue.</p> + + <p>What's the use of a head to an Artist Ghost, who has + never a chance to be hung?"</p> + </div> + </div> + + <h4><i>Chorus</i>—Some of the Ghosts, &c.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>A Lawyer's Ghost wept on his post, and then began to + state</p> + + <p>That the Revolution of Sixty-eight—he meant of + Six-<i>and</i>-eight—</p> + + <p>For the abolition of needless fees, and the stopping + of useless jaw,</p> + + <p>Had capped the murder of Privilege by the massacre + of Law:</p> + + <p>Order, this Spook went on to state, was the prey of + police—less prank,</p> + + <p>All the real jam of life was lost with the abolition + of Rank.</p> + + <p>Here he wept! Ah! <i>can</i> there be a sight a + pitiful breast to thrill</p> + + <p>Like the Ghost of a Lawyer dropping a tear o'er the + Ghost of a Lawyer's Bill?</p> + </div> + </div> + + <h4><i>Chorus</i>—Some of the Ghosts, &c.</h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I woke. A pain possessed my head. The gathered + Ghosts were gone,</p> + + <p>And I lay there in Trafalgar Square, on a cold stone + alone.</p> + + <p>I seemed to hear a wailing cry, a whisper on the + breeze,</p> + + <p>Which said, in accents I well knew, "<i>Now then, + Time, Gentlemen, please</i>!"</p> + + <p>It may have been the warning to recall those vagrant + Ghosts</p> + + <p>To —— wheresoever they abide, poor + pallid spectral hosts!</p> + + <p>What it all meant I cannot tell, but this at least I + know,</p> + + <p>To that Psychical Society no more at night I'll + go!</p> + </div> + </div> + + <h4><i>Chorus.</i></h4> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Some of the Ghosts did goggle, some of the Spooks + did stare,</p> + + <p>But there they sat in a spectral row round "the + Squirts" in Trafalgar Square.</p> + + <p>They all gave a loud "Ha! ha!" they all gave a loud + "Ho! ho!"</p> + + <p>And I turned and fled, and got home to bed as the + rooster began to crow!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>THE NAKED TRUTH.—Our old friend, Mrs. RAMSBOTHAM, was + reading, the other day, a letter in the <i>Times</i> about + "Electrical Tramways," when she came upon a line stating that + "two naked conductors" would be used. Much shocked, she was + about to look at something else in the paper when she noticed + that "one of the conductors was to be carried on poles," and + another to be "laid rigid between the rails!" Horrified at this + apparent brutality, the worthy lady has been writing letters + (in draft) to the Commissioner of Police ever since!</p> + <hr /> + + <h3>A Friendly Tip to the Fighting Factions.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Recrimination is vexation,</p> + + <p class="i2">Sedition is as bad;</p> + + <p>Home Rule the-o-ry much puzzles J.B.</p> + + <p class="i2"><i>Such</i> practice proves <i>you</i> + mad!</p> + </div> + </div> + <hr /> + + <p>A TIMELY SUGGESTION.—Commenting upon the exceptionally + bad case of the Rev. Mr. CLUTTERBUCK last week, the + <i>Times</i> asks if something cannot be done to put down + betting by turf-agencies, and stock-exchange gambling per + "bucket-shops." We regret our inability to suggest an immediate + remedy, but, as a warning and a reminder, let the last-named + institutions be called "Clutterbucket-shops."</p> + <hr /> + + <p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, + whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + <hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +101, December 5, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14122-h.htm or 14122-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/1/2/14122/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +https://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +https://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at https://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit https://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including including checks, online payments and credit card +donations. To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + + +</pre> + +</body> +</html> diff --git a/old/14122-h/images/265-1.png b/old/14122-h/images/265-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..afd2acc --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14122-h/images/265-1.png diff --git a/old/14122-h/images/265-2.png b/old/14122-h/images/265-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e547b93 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14122-h/images/265-2.png diff --git a/old/14122-h/images/266.png b/old/14122-h/images/266.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e95db23 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14122-h/images/266.png diff --git a/old/14122-h/images/267-1.png b/old/14122-h/images/267-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..731431c --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14122-h/images/267-1.png diff --git a/old/14122-h/images/267-2.png b/old/14122-h/images/267-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..1a5c9bc --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14122-h/images/267-2.png diff --git a/old/14122-h/images/268.png b/old/14122-h/images/268.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..0e0f2a7 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14122-h/images/268.png diff --git a/old/14122-h/images/269-1.png b/old/14122-h/images/269-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e5d7219 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14122-h/images/269-1.png diff --git a/old/14122-h/images/269-2.png b/old/14122-h/images/269-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..671be0f --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14122-h/images/269-2.png diff --git a/old/14122-h/images/270.png b/old/14122-h/images/270.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7d155fa --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14122-h/images/270.png diff --git a/old/14122-h/images/271.png b/old/14122-h/images/271.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..28a61d9 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14122-h/images/271.png diff --git a/old/14122-h/images/273.png b/old/14122-h/images/273.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5f31b7d --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14122-h/images/273.png diff --git a/old/14122-h/images/274.png b/old/14122-h/images/274.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..306d56f --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14122-h/images/274.png diff --git a/old/14122-h/images/275-1.png b/old/14122-h/images/275-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..10c12e4 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14122-h/images/275-1.png diff --git a/old/14122-h/images/275-2.png b/old/14122-h/images/275-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..cef7710 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14122-h/images/275-2.png diff --git a/old/14122-h/images/275-3.png b/old/14122-h/images/275-3.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5174120 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14122-h/images/275-3.png diff --git a/old/14122-h/images/276.png b/old/14122-h/images/276.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4d2d54c --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14122-h/images/276.png diff --git a/old/14122.txt b/old/14122.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..9bd1a6e --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14122.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1691 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101, +December 5, 1891, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101, December 5, 1891 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 22, 2004 [EBook #14122] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 101. + + + +December 5, 1891. + + + + +QUITE FABULOUS! + +(_A STORY OF THE TIMES, DEDICATED TO PROFESSOR MUNRO._) + +KING COLE, although described as a "merry old soul," was in reality +a tyrant. He had a number of subjects who used to work underground, +and their labour was to bring to the surface the black diamonds of +the earth. It was not altogether a pleasant occupation, but still, +the task had to be accomplished. His Majesty was fond of ferocious +practical jokes, and perchance this may have been the origin of +the jocular description attached to his name. One day, some of his +subjects complained that their hours of labour were too many. + +"How long do you work?" asked the King. + +"May it please you, Sire, sixteen," was the reply. + +"Try what you can do with twelve," and they were about to depart +rejoicing, when the Monarch called them back and added, "But mind you, +I shall expect just as many black diamonds to be unearthed as before." + +So the King's subjects worked only twelve hours, and strange to say, +quite as many black diamonds were produced as in the olden days. Then +the workmen began to grumble once more, and the King again interviewed +them. + +"Do you still work twelve hours?" he asked the deputation. + +"Certainly, Your Majesty; but we think half would be quite enough," +returned the spokesman. + +"By all means--why not make it three hours?" and again his subjects +were departing, rejoicing, when once more he added, "But I shall +expect just the same output as before." + +And he got it, for the men worked harder than ever. And then they +came yet again to him. Once more they considered the hours of labour +excessive. They thought sixty minutes plenty. + +"So do I," replied the Monarch, "not only plenty, but too many. But +as it is scarcely worth while employing you only half an hour a day, +I shall make other arrangements." + +And from that time forth he brought up his black diamonds from the +centre of the earth by machinery! + + * * * * * + +NOT "HALF A CHAP."--A well-known Clergyman, who "does nothing by +halves." i.e., Dean HOLE. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "WHEN A MAN DOES NOT LOOK HIS BEST."--NO. 4. + +WHEN HE JUST BEGINS TO REALISE WHAT A SUFFERING HE WOULD HAVE SAVED +HIMSELF, IF HE HAD ONLY HAD THE _COURAGE_ TO SAY "_MEDIUM_" INSTEAD OF +"HARD."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration: The Baron's Retainers, Mesdames Blythe and Gay, giving +him the results of their readings.] + +In the Christmas Numbers of the numerous picture-papers it is at first +rather difficult to discover which is the genuine article illustrated, +and which the advertisement, likewise illustrated. In the outside +picture of the Christmas Number of _The Penny Illustrated Paper_, +which represents a couple dancing together, I am not yet quite sure +that the handsome Hebraic gentleman, dancing with a fair Anglo-Saxon +girl, is not assuring his frightened-looking partner that "Epps's +Cocoa is Grateful--Comforting," as stated in the paragraph immediately +beneath the aforesaid picture. On the next page is a sad illustration +entitled, "The Curse of Revenge. Lost to Human Aid." which turns out +to be not a Christmas story at all, but an advertisement for Fruit +Salt. Then opposite this commences a story by GEORGE R. SIMS; and at +the foot of this page some one replies, "Mr. DOOLAN! There's no one +of that name here now, Sir." Whereupon, being interested, the reader +turns over page 1 to find at the head of page 2, not the continuation +of the above interesting story in the shape of some remark on the part +of the inquirer, nor any account of what happened after this reply +had been given, but simply "Benson's Watches" followed by "Fry's +Chocolate," then a picture (not an advertisement) facing that, and +then on page 4 the remainder of the dialogue. It doesn't much matter +perhaps, as the excitement aroused by the story is not violent, and +the mistake of giving somebody else's card for your own does not occur +here for the first time as the motive of a plot. CUTHBERT BEDE's name +is to a "Christmas Carol," and Mr. JOHN LATEY's to a dramatically told +tale called "Mark Temple's Trial," in which the imaginary heroine +pays a visit to a very real person of the name of Madame KATTI +LANNER, whose pupils are represented as all assembled, with bouquets +and posies, to do honour to the birthday of their "well-loved +mistress," who is at the same time, "the acknowledged mistress of the +choreographic art." In this story, the author is to be complimented +on his invention of the name, "Lord Morgagemore" as an ancient looking +and highly aristocratic Irish title. + +"Up to any game at Christmas, if it's not too high," says the Baron +of Hampershire, who detests all game that is lofty, but is glad to +welcome a Shakspearian Revival by MYERS & Co. in the shape of a _Nine +Men's Morris_, a title the Baron recommends to the notice of Mr. +WILLIAM MORRIS, yclept "BILLY," when he is making another bouquet of +poesies. By the way, BIM BROS.' Almanac Cards, one of the Baron's +Lady Helps describes as "decidedly dainty." Christmas is specially a +card-playing season, a time of _Pax_ to everybody. + +From the _Gordon Stables_ of HUTCHINSON & Co. issues the nightmare +tale of _The Cruise in the Crystal Boat_; when finished, try their +_Family Difficulty_, by SARAH DOUDNEY. Send to the Deanery of DEAN AND +SON, ask for _Baby's Biography_ and _The Little One's Own Beehive_. +The Spindleside department of the Baron's Booking-Office recommends +both the above for the Tiny Trots; while the Spearside tells the +boys to go in for MANVILLE FENN's _Burr Junior_ and Mrs. R. LEE's +_Adventures in Australia_. Then for all-comers, procure BEATRICE +HARRADEN's _New Book of Fairies_, for, our "Co." thus puts it, "This +is all concerning those poor little Fairies, about whom no one takes +any trouble, and who are left out in the cold at Christmas time." +Thus for this week conclude the duties of Mesdames BLYTHE and GAY, +the Baron's Lady Assistant Perusers. "I trust my gentle Public will +benefit by their advice," quoth, + +Theirs truly, + +THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +"NOW YOU'RE QUITE THE GENTLEMAN!" + +(_A BALLAD OF BIRMINGHAM._) + + ["You will not find an alliance in which the weaker side has + been so loyal, so straight, so single-hearted, so patriotic + as the Liberal Unionists have been during the last five + years.... Birmingham is the centre, the consecration of this + alliance."--_Lord Salisbury at Birmingham._ + + "Now I neither look for nor desire reunion" (with the + Gladstonian Liberals.)--_Mr. Chamberlain at Birmingham._] + +[Illustration] + +AIR--"_YE GENTLEMEN OF ENGLAND_."[1] + + Ye Gentlemen of England, + Who follow SALIS-BU-RY, + How little did you count upon + Assistance from J.C.! + Give ear unto his speeches old, + And they will plainly show + Once he'd scorn to be borne + Where the Tory breezes blow, + Where the Lilies and Primroses bloom, + And the Tory zephyrs blow. + + If once he did oppose you, + To-day he is at war + With GLADSTONE and his Items. + Faith, JOE has travelled far! + The Primrose Dames shall teach him + True patriot "form" to know. + He is leal, and will kneel + To the "Lilies" in fair row; + To the pretty, winsome Primrose girls, + Who buttonhole Brum JOE. + + Ye Gentlemen of England, + Whom once he did deride, + How safe ye are, and how serene, + With JOSEPH on your side. + He talks no more of "Ransom" + ('Tis P-e-n-s-i-o-n rather now), + Brum JOE will not go + Where the Hawarden winds do blow; + Where HARCOURT thunders loud and long, + And Gladstonians blare and blow. + + The Orchid from his button + JOE's willing to displace, + To take the Primrose posy + That's proffered by Her Grace. + O gentle dame and dainty, + What man could answer "No!" + As you prest to his breast + The most blessed flowers that blow, + The blossoms loved by BEACONSFIELD + The bravest blooms that blow? + + O (Brummagem) Tory Beauty, + 'Tis yours to consecrate + The holiest Alliance + Our land hath seen of late. + Shall he reject its symbol, + Or answer "Not for JOE!"? + Nay, sweet girl, such a churl + Were no "Gentleman" you know; + And JOE is "quite the Gentleman," + Brum BRUMMEL in full blow! + + Then courage, all brave Unionists, + And never be afraid + Whilst Brummagem Republican + Is witched by Primrose Maid. + There is soft fascination + In radiant rank, we know; + And a posy, though primrosy, + From soft hands makes soft hearts glow, + Lilies--though they toil not nor spin + Are beauteous--in full blow! + +[Footnote 1: Mr. CHAMBERLAIN was once reported to have congratulated +himself upon his co-operation with "English Gentlemen."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Chappie_ (_after missing his fourth Stag, explains_). +"AW--FACT IS, THE--AW--WAVING GRASS WAS IN MY WAY." + +_Old Stalker._ "HOOT, MON, WAD YE HAE ME BEING OUT A SCYTHE?"] + + * * * * * + +LORD LYTTON. + +BORN NOV. 8, 1831. DIED NOV. 24, 1891. + + Were clever wise, were grandiose great, + How many a servant of the State + Had left a more enduring name. + But all is not for all; 'tis far + From flaming meteor to fixed star, + From notoriety to fame. + + Picturesque son of brilliant sire, + It wanted but the touch of fire + Prometheus only knows to bring + The flame divine in him to wake + Who moved our plaudits when he spake, + But stirred no passion when he'd sing. + + The Orient pageantry he loved, + The histrio not the hero moved, + The _dilettante_ not the sage. + Hence in our England's East his hand + Turned, in a story sternly grand, + A motley mock-heroic page. + + He by the Seine found fitter place + For courtly wit and modish grace, + Than by the Indus. There right well + His facile talent served his Chief; + And England hears with genuine grief + That sudden-sounding passing bell. + + * * * * * + +NEW NAME. + + Who prizes Literature? All sorts and sizes + Of literary wares now hang on "prizes." + 'Tis not prose fictionists or poem-spinners + The public rush for; no, 'tis "all the winners!" + Letters in lotteries find support most sure-- + Let us be frank, and call them _Lottery_ture! + + * * * * * + +SUITOR RESARTUS. + +_A SENTIMENTAL DILEMMA._ + +[Illustration] + + How can I woo you in this ancient suit? + You do not notice it, of course; I know it. + My soul is burdened with a shapeless boot, + Your heart is singing welcome to your poet. + Here in the shadowy settle I can sit + And sparkle with you, brightly confidential, + But when into the lamp-bright zone you flit, + I shrink into some corner penitential. + A well-dressed crowd, their tailors all unpaid, + Throng round you there, and cuffs and collars glisten; + Of pity's blindness, as of scorn, afraid, + I shun the merry fray, and darkling listen, + For who could urge the timidest of suits, + Conscious of such indifferent clothes and boots? + + You think me quite as good as other men; + Nay, more, I think you think me vastly better; + Your candid glances seem to ask me when + I'll seek to bind you in a willing fetter. + Is this presumption? Not from friend to friend, + Whose souls unite like clasping hands of lovers; + Yet can I breathe no word of love, to end + The delicate doubt that o'er the unspoken hovers. + If I were hopeless that you loved me not, + My hopeless love, confess'd, myself would flatter, + But should the blissful dream be true, I wot + That love confess'd the joy of love would shatter. + My Queen, indeed as king I'd love to lord it; + I cannot tell you that I can't afford it. + + * * * * * + +POSSIBLE EXPLANATION:--"For many months nothing has been heard of +Lieutenant IVANITCH," was the remark of our leading journal _a propos_ +of Russian disappearances. Is it not probable that IVANITCH, unable to +find a post to suit him, has gone on tour with a "scratch company"? + + * * * * * + +THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS. + +NO XVII. + + SCENE--_Under the Colonnade of the Hotel Grande Bretagne, + Bellagio. CULCHARD is sitting by one of the pillars, engaged + in constructing a sonnet. On a neighbouring seat a group of + smart people are talking over their acquaintances, and near + them is another visitor, a Mr. CRAWLEY STRUTT, who is + watching his opportunity to strike into the conversation._ + +_Mrs. Hurlingham._ Well, she'll _be_ Lady CHESEPARE some day, when +anything happens to the old Earl. He was looking quite ghastly when we +were down at SKYMPINGS last. But they're frightfully badly off _now_, +poor dears! Lady DRIBLETT lets them have her house in Park Lane for +parties and that--but it's wonderful how they live at all! + +[Illustration: "I don't know if you're acquainted with a paper called +the _Penny Patrician_?"] + +_Colonel Sandown._ He looked pretty fit at the Rag the other day. Come +across the SENLACS anywhere? Thought Lady SENLAC was going abroad this +year. + +_Mr. Crawley Strutt._ Hem--I saw it mentioned in the _Penny Patrician_ +that her Ladyship had-- + +_Mrs. Hurl._ (_without taking the slightest notice of him_). She's +just been marryin' her daughter, you know--rather a good match, too. +Not what I call pretty,--smart-lookin', that's all. But then her +_sister_ wasn't pretty till she married. + +_Col. Sand._ Nice family she married into! Met her father-in-law, old +Lord BLETHERHAM, the other morning, at a chemist's in Piccadilly--he'd +dropped in there for a pick-me-up; and there he was, tellin' chemist +all the troubles he'd had with his other sons marryin' the way they +did, and that. Rum man to go and confide in his chemist, but he's like +that--fond of the vine! + +_Mr. C.S._ Er--er--it's becoming a very serious thing, Sir, the way +our aristocracy is deteriorating, is it not? + +_Col. S._ Is it? What have they been up to now, eh? Haven't seen a +paper for days. + +_Mr. C.S._ I mean these mixed marriages, and, well, their general +goings on, I don't know if you're acquainted with a paper called the +_Penny Patrician_? I take it in regularly, and I assure _you_--loyal +supporter of our old hereditary institutions as I am--some of the +revelations I read about in high life make me blush--yes, downright +_blush_ for them! [_Mrs. HURLINGHAM retires._ + +_Col. S._ Do they, though? If I were you I should let 'em do their own +blushin', and save my pennies. + +_Mr. C.S._ (_deferentially_). No doubt you're right, Sir, but I _like_ +the _Patrician_ myself--it's very smartly written. Talking of that, +do you happen to know the ins and outs of that marriage of young Lord +GOSLINGTON's? Something very mysterious about the party he's going to +marry--who _are_ her people now? + +_Col. S._ Can't say, I'm sure--no business of mine, you know. + +_Mr. C.S._ There I venture to think you're wrong, Sir. It's the +business of everybody--the _duty_, I may say--to see that the best +blood of the nation is not--(_Col. S. turns into the hotel; Mr. C.S. +sits down near CULCH._)--Remarkably superior set of visitors staying +here, Sir! My chief objection to travel always is, that it brings +you in contact with parties you wouldn't think of associating with at +home. I was making that same remark to a very pleasant little fellow +I met on the steamer--er--Lord UPPERSOLE, I think it was--and he +entirely concurred. Your friend made us acquainted.--(_PODBURY comes +out of the hotel._)--Ah, here _is_ your friend.--(_To PODB._)--Seen +his Lordship about lately, Sir?--Lord UPPERSOLE, I _mean_, of course! + +_Podb._ UPPERSOLE? No--he's over at Cadenabbia, I believe. + +_Mr. C.S._ A highly agreeable spot to stay at. Indeed, I've some idea +myself of--Exceedingly pleasant person his Lordship--so affable, so +completely the gentleman! + +_Podb._ Oh, he's affable enough--for a boot-maker. I always give him a +title when I see him, for the joke of the thing--he likes it. + +_Mr. C.S._ He _may_, Sir. I consider a title is not a thing to be +treated in that light manner. It--it was an unpardonable liberty to +force me into the society of that class of person--unpardonable, Sir! + + [_He goes._ + +_Podb._ Didn't take much _forcing_, after he once heard me call him +"Lord UPPERSOLE"! Where are all the others, eh? Thought we were going +up to the Villa Serbelloni this afternoon. + +_Culch._ I--er--have not been consulted. Are they--er--_all_ going? + + [_With a shade of anxiety._ + +_Podb._ I believe so. You needn't be afraid, you know. HYPATIA won't +have the chance of ragging you now--she and Miss TROTTER have had a +bit of a breeze. + +_Culch._ I rather gathered as much. I think I could guess the-- + +_Podb._ Yes, HYPATIA's rather uneasy about poor old BOB; thinks Miss +TROTTER is--well, carrying on, you know. She is no end of a little +flirt--_you_ know that well enough!--(_C. disclaims impatiently._) +Here you all are, eh?--(_To Miss P., Miss T., and BOB._)--Well, who +knows the way up to the villa? + +_Miss T._ It's through the town, and up some steps by the church--you +cann't miss it. But Mr. PRENDERGAST is going to show me a short cut up +behind the hotel--aren't you, Mr. PRENDERGAST? + +_Miss P._ (_icily_). I really think, dear, it would be better if we +all kept together--for so _many_ reasons! + +_Culch._ (_with alacrity_). I agree with Miss PRENDERGAST. A short cut +is invariably the most indirect route. + +_Miss P._ (_with intention_). You hear what Mr. CULCHARD says, my dear +MAUD? He advocates direct ways, as best in the long run. + +_Miss T._ It's only going to be a short run, my love. But I'm vurry +glad to observe that you and Mr. CULCHARD are so perfectly harmonious, +as I'm leaving him on your hands for a spell. Aren't you ever coming, +Mr. PRENDERGAST? + + [_She leads him off, a not unwilling captive._ + +_A PATH IN THE GROUNDS OF THE VILLA SERBELLONI._ + +_Podb._ (_considerately, to CULCHARD, who is following Miss +PRENDERGAST and him, in acute misery_). Look here, old fellow, Miss +PRENDERGAST would like to sit down, I know; so don't you bother about +keeping with us if you'd rather _not_, you know! + + [_CULCHARD murmurs an inarticulate protest._ + +_Miss P._ Surely, Mr. PODBURY, you are aware by this time that Mr. +CULCHARD has a perfect mania for self-sacrifice! + + [_CULCHARD drops behind, crushed._ + +_AMONG THE RUINS AT THE TOP OF THE HILL._ + +_Culch._ (_who has managed to overtake Miss T. and her companion_). +Now _do_ oblige me by looking through that gap in the pines towards +Lecco. I particularly wish you to observe the effect of light on those +cliffs--it's well worth your while. + +_Miss T._ Why, certainly, it's a view that does you infinite credit. +Oh, you _didn't_ take any hand in the arrangement? But ain't you +afraid if you go around patting the scenery on the head this way, +you'll have the lake overflow? + +_Bob. P._ Ha-ha-ha! One in the eye for _you_, CULCHARD! + +_Culch._ (_with dignity_). Surely one may express a natural enthusiasm +without laying oneself open--? + +_Miss T._ Gracious, yes! I should hope you wouldn't want to show your +enthusiasm _that_ way--like a Japanese nobleman! + +_Culch._ (_to himself_). Now that's coarse--_really_ +coarse!--(_Aloud._)--I seem to be unable to open my mouth now without +some ridiculous distortion-- + +_Miss T._ My!--but that's a serious symptom--isn't it? You don't feel +like you were going to have lock-jaw, do you, Mr. CULCHARD? + + [_CULCHARD falls back to the rear once more. Later--Mr. + VAN BOODELER has joined the party; HYPATIA has contrived + to detach her brother, CULCHARD has sought refuge with + PODBURY._ + +_Miss T._ (_to VAN B._). So that's what kept you? "Well, it sounds +just too enchanting. But I cann't answer for what Miss PRENDERGAST +will say to it. It mayn't suit her notions of propriety. + +_Mr. Van B._ I expect she'll be superior to Britannic prejudices of +that kind. I consider your friend a highly cultivated and charming +lady, MAUD. She produces that impression upon me. + +_Miss T._ I presume, from that, she has shown an intelligent interest +in the great American novel? + +_Mr. Van B._ Why, yes; it enlists her literary sympathies--she sees +all its possibilities. + +_Miss T._ And they're pretty numerous, too. But here she comes. You'd +better tell her your plan right now. + +_Miss P._ (_in an earnest undertone to BOB, as they approach, +followed by CULCH. and BOB_). You _must_ try and be sensible about +it, BOB; if _you_ are too blind to see that she is only-- + +BOB (_sulkily_). All _right_! Haven't I _said_ I'd go? What's the good +of _jawing_ about it? + +_Mr. V.B._ (_to Miss P._) I've been telling my cousin I've been +organising a little water-party for this evening--moonlight, +mandolins, Menaggio. If you find that alliteration has any +attractions, I hope you and your brother will do me the pleasure of-- + +_Miss P._ I'm afraid not, thanks. We have all our packing to do. We +find we shall have to leave early to-morrow. + + [_Van B.'s face falls; BOB listens gloomily to_ Miss T.'s + rather perfunctory expressions of regret; PODBURY looks + anxious and undecided; CULCHARD does his best to control an + unseemly joy._ + + * * * * * + +THE GOOD NEW "TIMES." + +Nobody, after visiting Terry's Theatre, can apply to Mr. PINERO's +piece the hackneyed phrase,--used apologetically by an unconscionable +reader after detaining the leading journal for three-quarters of an +hour,--"Oh, there's nothing in _The Times_," for, in Mr. PINERO's +piece there is plenty of amusement, if not of absorbing interest. + +[Illustration] + +The story is that of a _parvenu_, whose sole object in life, to +be recognised by "Society," is thwarted by the marriage of his +good-for-nothing son with the daughter of an Irish lodging-house +keeper. The struggles of _Mr. and Mrs. Bompas_ to conceal this +_mesalliance_, and the assistance given them in their difficulties by +the _Hon. Montague Trimble_, constitute the motive of the play. But +the question that must occur to the critical mind is, "Did the author +mean this piece for high comedy, or farcical comedy?" If the former, +then Mr. TERRY is wrong in his conception of the part; if the latter, +everybody else is wrong in their conception of their parts. + +It seems to me as if, in the course of rehearsal, the peculiarities +distinguishing the character of _Percy Egerton Bompas, M.P._, had +gradually become assimilated with the individualities of the actor, +Mr. EDWARD TERRY. If Mr. PINERO so meant it, if he so wrote it for Mr. +TERRY and for Mr. TERRY only, then there is nothing more to be said; +Mr. PINERO's ideal is realised. But if the author did _not_ intend Mr. +TERRY's impersonation, then he must be content to sacrifice the ideal +to the real, shrug his shoulders, and pocket his profits. Yet, as if +making an appeal to the public to judge between the auctorial abstract +and the representational concrete, Mr. PINERO not only publishes his +playbook, but sells it in the theatre. Visitors to TERRY's, who buy +the book, will judge the play by its stage interpretation that has had +the advantage of the author's personal supervision and direction. The +representation, therefore, is either more or less in accordance with +his teaching, or flatly contradicts it. + +[Illustration: One of the Leaders in _The Times_.] + +The publication of the book of a comedy in a theatre may be thankfully +received as a present help to the audience, and an aid to memory +afterwards, or it may be considered as a protest on the part of the +author who says, "Here's what I have written. See how they act it: +whether it be farce or comedy, judge for yourselves. You pay your +money, and you take your choice." Suffice it, then, to record that, on +the night of this deponent's visit, the piece played from eight till +past eleven, and that the audience from first to last was generally +amused, but, I should be inclined to say, particularly disappointed +at the collapse of Mr. TERRY's part in the last Act (the principal +portion of which he passes curled up on a sofa, with the top of +his forehead powdered white! Why?), and mystified by the sudden and +apparently unnecessary revelation, made by _Miss Cazalet_, to the +effect that _Lucy Tuck_ (a mentally and physically short-sighted girl) +is her illegitimate daughter; and these two last-named personages, +though essential to the plot, fail unfortunately in rousing any +sentiment of pity or of sympathy. + +Mr. ELLIOT is excellent as the _Hon. Montague Trimble_; nothing +better, apart from Mr. HARE's eccentric characters, has been seen on +the stage for some considerable time. I hope the author is of the same +opinion. Mr. FRED THORNE is capital as the Irish Member; and as _Mrs. +Hooley_, an obtrusively Irish eccentricity of Thackerayan extraction, +Miss ALEXES LEIGHTON is very good, for the character, as drawn by +the author, _is_ obtrusive, and is so meant to be. The _Mrs. Egerton +Bompas_ of Miss FANNY BROUGH is _the_ woman to the life, and, in my +humble judgment, Miss BROUGH's impersonation is well-nigh faultless. +Whether, if the part of _Egerton Bompas_ were played as high comedy, +this would still improve Miss BROUGH's impersonation of _Mrs. Bompas_ +or not, it is difficult to decide; but I am inclined to think this +would be the result. What does the author think? Most likely he will +continue to "think"; it is the wiser course. Mr. HENRY V. ESMOND makes +the lad, _Howard Bompas_, unnecessarily repulsive; but if, in doing +so, he is only exactly carrying out the author's idea, i.e., "Master's +orders," then he is no longer responsible for the overcharged +colouring. The probable fate of this unhappy pair, an impulsive +uneducated kind of Irish orange-girl married to a contemptible +young sot, is not a pleasant termination to the story, nor is the +anticipatory sadness felt for the future of this ill-assorted couple +in any way dissipated by the stereotyped and perfunctory offer of +marriage made by the young London Journal Nobleman to the daughter of +the utterly crushed snob just before the Curtain descends. + +Why the piece is called _The Times_, remains a mystery. _To-day_ +would have been better; that is, if by _The Times_ is only meant "The +Present Day." And if it doesn't mean this, what meaning has it? For +alliterative advertisement it may be useful; e.g., "Times at TERRY's." +The dialogue generally is easy, natural and telling. + +Yours, + +PRIVATE BOX. + + * * * * * + +FOLLOW THE BARON! + + ["Such characters as he should retire into fiction, they + are too exaggerated for real life."--_"Times" on Mr. R.L. + Stevenson's Sad Maron of Samou._] + + Oh, most excellent true! How I thank thee, great _Times_, + For teaching that phrase! 'Tis delicious! + Fiction! The haunt of mad follies, crass crimes, + Fads futile, and tastes meretricious. + Oh, joy, to transport to that Limbo of Fools, + Upon trial and honest conviction, + The plagues of our Parties, our Churches, our Schools, + Who ought to "retire into Fiction." + + When WINDYWHAME, M.P., goes spouting about, + His flatulent madness and malice; + When SLUDGE, after years of dogmatical doubt, + Finds Faith's Wonderland worthy of _Alice_; + When POPINJAY airs his effeminate Art, + And DOBBS sputters dirt in choice diction, + Ye gods, there'd be joy in Church, Forum, and Mart, + If the fools would "retire into Fiction." + + Pragmatical pietists, sceptics obtuse + Who Progress impede with crude cackle, + Predestinate duffers of prattle profuse, + Who the biggest world-problems would tackle; + State-quacks, shouting Emperors, queer School-Board cranks, + We'll give you our best benediction, + And speed you at parting with heartiest thanks, + If you'll only--"retire into Fiction!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: EMANCIPATION. + +_Young Bride of Three Hours' standing_ (_just starting on her Wedding +Trip_).--"OH, EDWIN DEAR! HERE'S '_TOM JONES_.' PAPA TOLD ME I WASN'T +TO READ IT TILL I WAS MARRIED! THE DAY HAS COME ... AT LAST! BUY IT +FOR ME, EDWIN DEAR."] + + * * * * * + +ARMING THE AMAZONS. + +(_MODERN BRUMMAGEM VERSION._) + + [At the meeting (at Birmingham) of the National Union of + Conservative and Constitutional Associations, a resolution in + favour of "considering the claims of women to be admitted to + the franchise when entitled by ownership or occupation," was + carried "by an overwhelming majority, amid loud cheers." + Mrs. FAWCETT afterwards said, "What new forces were they (the + Conservative Party) prepared to bring against the anarchy, + socialism and revolution which were arrayed against them? + The granting of women's suffrage would be against the + disintegrating power of the other side, as women were + everywhere anti-revolutionary forces.... This would add + about 800,000 to the electorate. They would be, she believed, + middle-aged women of property, than whom she thought they + could not assemble more anti-revolutionary forces."] + +_Trojan Leader loquitur_:-- + + To arm the Amazons against the Greeks, + OVIDIUS hints, proud manhood galls and piques. + No doubt; yet NASO did it in his day, + And we, in ours, who, sorely-pressed, would stay + The rising tide of Revolution, check + Disintegration, of the claws who'd peck + At our political sleeves and platform hearts + Must not be frightened. + "Rummiest of starts," + The ribald Cockney cries; to see at length, + "The Tory seeking to recruit his strength + Prom those he dubbed, in earlier, scornfuller mood + The crowing hens, the shrieking sisterhood!" + Shade of sardonic SMOLLETT, haunt no more + St. Stephen's precincts; list not to the roar + Of the mad Midland cheers, when FEILDING's plan + Of levelling (moneyed) Woman up to Man + Wins "Constitutional" support and votes + From a "majority" of Tory throats! + Mrs. LYNN LINTON, how this vote must vex, + That caustic censor of her own sweet sex! + Wild Women--_with_ the Suffrage! Fancy that, + O fluent Lady, at tart nick-names pat! + Girls of the Period? They were bad enough, + But what a deal of skimble-skamble stuff + Will Mrs. FAWCETT's Middle-aged Ones talk + When these eight hundred thousand _hens_ o' the walk + Cackle for Order, Purity, and Peace!!! + + Partlets _may_ save our Capitol, as geese + Once did the Roman; nigh a million--JUNOS, + Roll back the tide of Revolution. Who knows? + Not PRIAM-SALISBURY. Does _he_ look askance + At the new Amazonian Queen's advance? + Does he hide apprehension with a smile? + The Amazons are used to Grecian guile; + ACHILLES-GLADSTONE sorely they mistrust. + Which side will give them more than fain it must? + To-day the Trojans show the friendlier front + PENTHESILEA, whom the Greeks would shunt, + Proffers her aid to Tory Troy, to keep + High Ilium against the foes who creep + Nearer and nearer to its sacred walls. + ACHILLES o'er the trenches loudly calls, + In menace fierce, thrasonic in his boast, + His Myrmidons, a mad and motley host, + Mean boundless mischief, the Palladium's gone + If they are not repulsed. It _must_ be done, + Come what, come will. PRIAM has trimmed his sails + To popular winds until the pilot fails + To know the old and carefully charted course. + His wisdom, and brave ARTHUR-HECTOR's force, + May yet prove vain if no auxiliar hand + Help yon Anarchic legions to withstand. + The Amazonian host? Aha! Well hit! + Scruple to take she-helping? Not a bit + Too late for proud punctilio. No, this Queen + Is not so lovely, of such royal mien, + As hers who witched ACHILLES e'en in death. + An elderly Amazon of shortish breath, + With gingham huge and gig-lamps, though she hold + That "Property" buckler broad and bossed with gold + Is scarce a Siren--of the ancient style; + More of Minerva's frown than Venus' smile! + But then, eight hundred thousand!!! There's the rub. + Recruited from the Platform and the Tub, + With Middle-aged and Propertied Amazons, + Ilium may master e'en the Myrmidons. + Come, anti-revolutionaries, come! + Strike Anarchy dead, and Socialism dumb! + Accept new arms, ye maiden cohorts! Take + The weapon that shall make ACHILLES shake, + And reinforce, against the wiles of Greece, + The powers of Property, Privilege, and Peace! + + * * * * * + +OPTIMISM. + + "All's for the best," smirks fatuous DIVES. He + _Means_, "I'm the best, and therefore all's for _me_." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ARMING THE AMAZONS. + + PRIAM (_loquitur_). "ACCEPT NEW ARMS, YE MAIDEN COHORTS! TAKE + THE WEAPON THAT SHALL MAKE ACHILLES SHAKE, + AND REINFORCE, AGAINST THE WILES OF GREECE, + THE POWERS OF PROPERTY, PRIVILEGE, AND PEACE!"] + + * * * * * + +ONLY FANCY! + +We understand that Mr. GLADSTONE has followed, with much interest, the +speeches delivered in the country last week, and was observed to be +visibly affected at the touching spectacle of the final reconciliation +of Lord SALISBURY and Mr. CHAMBERLAIN at Birmingham. "They toil +not, neither do they spin," he said, furtively wiping away a tear; +"nevertheless, they seem made for each other's company." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "A Fantasy of Disordered Imagination."] + +The Right Hon. Gentleman will take his turn next week, and a report +is current in interested quarters, that he as gone into training under +the personal direction of Sir WILLIAM HARCOURT and Mr. JOHN MORLEY, +who assist to support him whilst he rehearses his speech. This is +a fantasy of disordered imagination. Mr. G. is in splendid form, +spoiling for a fight. + + * * * * * + +A trustworthy Correspondent informs us that, owing to accidental +displacement of his notes, a telling point was omitted from Lord +SALISBURY's first speech at Birmingham. It was intended to come in +at the passage where the PREMIER boldly flouted apprehension, of +Ministerial disaster at the General Election. He had meant to cite Mr. +JACKSON's appointment as conclusive proof that the Government would +exist at least up to the year 1900. + +"SHAKSPEARE," he should have said, "has written, 'a tanner will last +you nine year,' and of course the duration of the Government will +be co-incidental with the prolongation of the term of our Financial +Secretary to the Treasury, withdrawn from commercial pursuits at +Leeds." + + * * * * * + +HERR VON DER BLOWITZOWN-TROMP has some interesting reminiscences of +the lamented Baron MAC HINERY. "When he was appointed Legate at the +Court of the Isle of Man," writes the great historian of our times, +"he dined with me in passing through Nanterre. It was the very day the +Marquis DE MOULIN had been elected Pompier. The other guests were, +His Excellency the CON OF CRIM TARTARY, Prince ALLEZ-VOUS-EN, His +Excellency the VICUNA of BRAZIL, the SANDWICH AMBASSADOR, the DOGE of +VENICE, and the Baron MUNCHAUSEN, who was a kind of amateur partner of +mine, in whom I had much confidence--I always left him with my day's +correspondence ready to be committed to paper. In the course of the +dinner a stupid _garcon_, handing the ice round, dropped a small piece +down the back of the neck of the DOGE of VENICE. With great presence +of mind Baron MUNCHAUSEN seized the poker (which fortunately happened +to be in the fire), and, with inimitable dexterity, passed the red-hot +brand between the DOGE's shirt-collar and his neck, and, deftly +touching the piece of ice, melted it. It was an awkward moment. The +canned lobster was just served, but no one thought of eating it. The +CON of CRIM TARTARY turning to Baron MAC HINERY, said,-- + +"You, my Lord, who are disinterested in this matter, tell us what you +think of it." + +"I think," replied the Baron, with admirable _sangfroid_, "his +Highness the DOGE would have felt better if the ice had been warmer, +and the poker cooler." + +Everybody laughed. The DOGE and Baron MUNCHAUSEN shook hands, and the +dinner ended gaily. + + * * * * * + +RYMOND, writing _lui-meme_ with too infrequent pen, makes pathetic +reference to the death of "one of the largest and best known purveyors +of Rhine wine, with whom I have had business relations and personal +intercourse for nearly thirty years." There is, we need hardly say, +no basis for the insinuation thrown out by HENED that the business +relations referred to were of the commission order sometimes +established between purveyors of Rhine and other wines and gentlemen +who have a wide circle of friends. + + * * * * * + +THEORY AND PRACTICE. + + SCENE--_Interior of a First-class Railway Carriage. + Theoretical Passenger and Practical Passenger discussing the + "Unreadiness of England."_ + +_Theoretical Passenger_ (_at the conclusion of a long account of the +national shortcomings_). Yes, my dear Sir, France has only to declare +war to-morrow, and we are completely ruined! We cease to exist as a +nation! + +_Practical Passenger_ (_with a smile_). But hasn't this been said +about us--by ourselves--for any number of years? + +_Theo. Pas._ Doubtless, but that does not make it the less true. + +_Prac. Pas._ Possibly; still, it is encouraging to find that we _do_ +exist in spite of the "temptation to belong to other nations." + +_Theo. Pas._ (_annoyed_). Ah! you treat the matter with levity; but +I assure you it is a most serious thing! How would you like to be +bombarded? + +_Prac. Pas._ Not at all. The more especially as it would be a great +expense to the enemy. + +_Theo. Pas._ (_with dignified resentment_). I see you consider the +subject a proper topic for raillery! It is a very fine day! + +_Prac. Pas._ (_in a conciliatory tone_). No, no, I can assure you I am +deeply interested. But how about our Fleet--surely that should protect +us? + +_Theo. Pas._ You must be very much behind the age to say so. Our Fleet +is practically valueless. It is perfectly easy to invade us at a +dozen places. If the French went to Ireland (as they did in the last +century), the conquest of England would be assured. They would (with +the assistance of a friendly peasantry), get their supplies and make +good their footing. + +_Prac. Pas._ But how about our Army? + +_Theo. Pas._ A farce! An expensive farce. We have no Regulars, the +Militia exists only on paper, and the Volunteers are valueless. + +_Prac. Pas._ Then why not have a Conscription--that would bring up our +Army with a run? + +_Theo. Pas._ A Conscription! My dear Sir, the nation wouldn't think of +such a thing! No, not for a single moment! + +_Prac. Pas._ (_after a pause_). Well, what is to be done? + +_Theo. Pas._ (_promptly_). Nothing, except to write to the papers and +submit to our fate. + +_Prac. Pas._ Is there any objection to the construction of the Channel +Tunnel? + +_Theo. Pas._ (_carelessly_). None in the least--but why do you ask? + +_Prac. Pas._ Because, if in the case of war, the entire French nation +pours into England;--as you say it will? + +_Theo. Pas._ Certainly. + +_Prac. Pas._ The best thing we can do is to utilise the Tunnel, pour +into France, and stay there! It will be only changing sides! + + [_Conversation interrupted by whistle, and consequent rattle + and darkness._ + + * * * * * + +THE SPHINX AND THE STICK. + +_A SONG WHEREIN IS SUGGESTED A SUITABLE SUBJECT FOR AN IBSENITE +TRAGEDY._ + + [Sir JAMES CRICHTON-BROWNE thinks that "the reserve and + suppression of emotional movement which is observed in + English people" will probably result in all the women becoming + sphinxes, and all the men sticks.] + + "Oh! do wag your head!" said the Sphinx to the Stick. + "I _can't_," he replied, "or I would, darling, quick! + If you'll only indulge in a shrug and some winks, + You'll perhaps set _me_ off," said the Stick to the Sphinx. + "Nay, long 'inhibition,'" the Sphinx made reply, + "Has imparted rigidity, love, to my eye." + "'Emotional movement' no longer is mine," + Sighed the Stick to the Sphinx; "though I greatly incline + To a dig in your ribs, or a slap on your back + (As a sign of my love), all my muscles are slack. + My poor 'motor-centres' are all out of gear, + And I can't even 'chuck' your soft chin, sweet, I fear. + I'm sure such a stolid inflexible 'stick' you'll hate, + But, though I adore you, I _cannot_ gesticulate--" + "My case is as bad," sighed the Sphinx to the Stick, + "For I cannot 'bridle'--no more than a brick." + Said the Stick to the Sphinx, "Ah, we once knew what love meant! + But, thanks to the loss of 'emotional movement,' + We can't give it 'graceful and chastened expression,' + And so it seems slipping fast out of possession. + Heigho! we had far better die, darling, quick! + Since you are a Sphinx, love, and I'm but a Stick!" + + * * * * * + +VERY LIKELY--JUST NOW.--A place to spend a Quiet Sunday--Eastbourne. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MR. PUNCH ON TOUR IN YORKSHIRE.] + + * * * * * + +"ON THE HYP"-NOTIST. + +(_FRAGMENT FROM A ROMANCE PURELY IMAGINARY AND YET TO BE WRITTEN._) + +The _Savants_ were gathered together to consider the question of +Hypnotism. They had been appointed by a learned Association, and their +Hon. Secretary had distinguished himself by writing a letter, which if +eccentric in punctuation, was yet to the point. + +"We must not forget, Gentlemen," said one of the learned persons, +"that we have been appointed to investigate the use of Hypnotism as +a therapeutic agent. It will be our duty to ascertain, if it is +possible, that operations can be performed under the shield of its +anaesthesia." + +"You are indeed right," replied another, "and it is fortunate in one +sense that we have not had the advantage of greeting at our board, +Doctor OWEN COLEMAN of Dunedin, Surbiton." + +"Why so?" asked a third. + +"Because," returned _Savant_ No. 2, "that distinguished Member of the +Medical Profession can give instances of successful treatment under +the prescribed circumstances. For instance, JULES CLOQUET, as early +as 1845 was using Hypnotism in the cause of painless surgery. However, +our pleasant little gathering can do no harm." + +"Perhaps not," acquiesced _Savant_ No. 3. "Although it is only right +to remark that had we had Dr. COLEMAN's knowledge, we should have +possibly considered it _qua_ Committee a trifle superfluous." + +"Do you not think we ought to visit the Aquarium?" asked the first +speaker. "I am told that there is a Hypnotist who appears there twice +a-day, and whose exhibition, from a scientific point of view, should +be decidedly interesting." + +After this there was a speedy departure, and for some hours the +Committee lounged about the Aquarium, They there saw a female acrobat +of great strength. Then they paid a visit to the Alhambra, where they +met a pleasant young lady, who, seemingly without any assistance, +lifted four or five bulky gentlemen seated on a chair. This she did +without any exertion and with a smiling countenance. On their return +to their private room, they seemed somewhat hostile to the pretensions +of the Hypnotist, whose feats they had just witnessed--they preferred +to his performances the feats of the Magnetic Lady. + +[Illustration] + +"Quite a mistake," said one; "instead of taking off a leg, or showing +the strength of a billiard cue, he makes men believe that they are +swimming in a tank!" + +"Very undignified," remarked another; "it would have been so much +better had he performed a surgical operation--say, setting a compound +fracture of the leg, like that performed by two medical men in 1845; +and more interesting to the vast majority of the audience." + +"But the Alhambra was excellent," was the reply. "Suppose we send +to our Committee a Report of the 'Magnetic Lady' and ignore the +Hypnotist?" + +And so it was decided, and it was time to write their Report. Then +pens, ink, and paper were produced, and the _Savants_ prepared for +work. They had scarcely commenced, when a gentleman stood in their +midst, and glared at them. He gave them each a disc, and commanded +them to gaze upon its surface. Then, one by one, they fell over fast +asleep. He placed them back in their chairs. + +"Now for your Report," he murmured. "And so you would ignore _my_ +show and praise another! But you are in my power, and _shall_ obey +me! Write what I dictate!" And so they wrote. And, strange as it may +appear to non-believers in Hypnotism, the Report, when published, +was found to be an excellent advertisement for the Royal Westminster +Aquarium! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SENILE FELINE AMENITIES. + +"WELL, GOOD AFTERNOON--I'M GOING TO CALL ON MY MOTHER!" + +"WHAT! YOU DON'T MEAN TO SAY YOU'VE GOT A MOTHER _LIVING_?" + +"OH YES--AND SHE DON'T LOOK A BIT OLDER THAN _YOU_ DO--I ASSURE YOU!"] + + * * * * * + +OUR FINANCIAL COLUMN. + +_Orl Court, E.C.[2]_ + +I am preparing a big _coup_, and wish all my friends to be in it. My +friends are legion, it is true, but they may depend upon me to do the +best for all. Nothing on the gigantic scale I am now preparing has +been seen or heard of in the Financial World since the days of the +Flood, when NOAH's floating capital weathered the storm. What was +the stock worth when Father NOAH once again touched land? Expect the +biggest result ever known. I may be sanguine. I have the right to be +so. + +[Illustration] + +"PONY."--Yes. Buy A. and C.N.B.--Invest big cheque with yours truly. +The only safe and profitable investment. + +"D.A.H."--Don't you do it, or you'll be H.A.D. Send cheques here. +Strict account kept, and gains delivered in cash by special messenger. + +"A HESITATER."--Don't doubt for a moment. Sell everything right off, +and invest proceeds by cheque with your friend." + +"A.S.S."--The Dividend days of the "_Ex-Nihilo-Fit Loan and Insurance +Company_ are April 1, up to mid-day, and September 31. + +So much for some of the principal Correspondents who require an answer +in my weekly article. As for myself, I can only say that my motto is, +"_Confidentia Illimitata et Nulla Pecunia redditur_." Within the last +month the gross earnings of the office on behalf of my clients has +been L12,345,678,910 which compares favourably with the previous +month. Every penny of this, equal to 50 per cent. profit to every one +of my clients, will be distributed within a week with a handsome bonus +of twenty-five pounds to everyone sending in his coupon or cheque +for fifteen sovereigns by twelve o'clock next Tuesday, after which +hour it is impossible for any one, be he who he may, from Kaiser to +Chimney-sweeper, to participate in the enormous profit which will have +been honestly earned by + +Yours truly, + +CROESUS. + +[Footnote 2: N.B.--Note change of address.] + + * * * * * + +SHORTLY TO APPEAR.--_A Morning without Boots_, by the Author of _A +Knight without Spurs_. + + * * * * * + +POPULAR SONGS RE-SUNG; + +OR, MISS BOWDLER AT THE MUSIC HALLS. + +NO. III.--THE SPOOKS IN THE SQUARE. + +AIR--"_THE GOBLINS IN THE CHURCHYARD_." + + I went down to the Psychical Society one night, + And heard them talk of Spooks and things that filled me with affright. + The Psychical Society, as every member boasts, + Was founded with the object of investigating Ghosts! + Now Ghosts, the modern species, are of very various sorts, + For like some plants, as botanists say, they seem to run to "sports." + I used to think a spectre _was_ a spectre, but I find + The "Psychical" can furnish Spooks of every class and kind. + +_CHORUS._ + +[Illustration] + + Some of the Ghosts are little, some of the Ghosts are big, + Some come in the guise of a headless man, and some of a spectre pig. + Some of them laugh "Ha! ha!" Some of them wail "Heigho!" + And I felt that night in a doose of a fright before it was time to go. + + I had read _Phantasmagoria_ by that writer quaint but grand, + Who penned _The Hunting of the Snark_ and _Alice in Wonderland_. + And I thought I knew a thing or two, or might be even three, + About a Ghoul, and a Fay or Troll, and a Brownie or Banshee. + I knew that a Banshee always howled, whilst a Goblin might but yawn, + I also knew that a Poltergeist was _not_ a Leprechaun, + But the Psychicals, I'm bound to say, had me on "buttered toastes" + With the wonderful changes which they rang on the good old Churchyard + "Ghostes." + +_CHORUS._ + + Some of their Ghosts were sages, some of them seemed sheer noddies; + Some of the same like a "Wandering Flame," and others as "Astral + Bodies." + Some of theirs croaked "Ha! ha!" some of them chuckled "Ho! ho!" + And I got so sad, I was heartily glad when I found it was time to go. + + I dropped into the "Rose and Crown," a highly respectable tavern, + For Ghosts are dry, and my thirst was high, my throat like a chalky + cavern. + I didn't have much, only four of cold Scotch, which is good to moisten + chalk. + The night was fine, it was twelve twenty-nine, so I thought I might + just as well walk. + But when I entered Trafalgar Square, I heard a mysterious sound; + There was not even a Bobby in sight as I stole a glance around; + But seated on NELSON's lions four, and perched on the neighbouring + "posteses," + I saw, as we said in our Nursery Rhyme, a dozen or so of "Ghosteses"! + +_CHORUS._ + + Some of the Ghosts were short, some of the Ghosts were tall, + Some of them had most preposterous noddles, and some of them none at all, + They all gave a shrill "Ha! ha!" they all gave a hushed "Ho! ho!" + I turned in a fright and I wished 'em good night--but they would not let + me go! + + Then one of the Ghosts began to speak; down on my knees I sank, + "I am a Nobleman's Ghost," said he, "and mine offence is Rank! + I never cared for the Common Herd, the People I loved to crush; + My only remark on the Poor was 'Pooh!' my retort to the Toilers 'Tush!' + And if they dared to grumble, why, I used to raise my rents, + For I always held that the Mob were made to keep up the Cent-per-cents, + And now in this Square I hear BURNS's blare, see the Red Banner wave, + And Society swished by the Socialist; so I cannot rest in my grave." + +_CHORUS._ + + Another Ghost commenced. He said: "I was a great R.A. + (I remember the time when we used to meet in "the pepper-pots," over + the way), + My daubs were always hung on the line, for ourselves we used to judge, + Our sole Ideal conventional cant, our _technique_ broad brown smudge. + And now BURNE JONES's pictures _sell_!!!"--here he writhed with a + spectral twist-- + "And our 'broad brown smudge' gives way to the fudge cranks call + 'Impressionist.' + I've lost my head, as perhaps you mark--though I keep a ventriloquist + tongue. + What's the use of a head to an Artist Ghost, who has never a chance + to be hung?" + +_CHORUS_--SOME OF THE GHOSTS, &C. + + A Lawyer's Ghost wept on his post, and then began to state + That the Revolution of Sixty-eight--he meant of Six-_and_-eight-- + For the abolition of needless fees, and the stopping of useless jaw, + Had capped the murder of Privilege by the massacre of Law: + Order, this Spook went on to state, was the prey of police--less prank, + All the real jam of life was lost with the abolition of Rank. + Here he wept! Ah! _can_ there be a sight a pitiful breast to thrill + Like the Ghost of a Lawyer dropping a tear o'er the Ghost of a + Lawyer's Bill? + +_CHORUS_--SOME OF THE GHOSTS, &C. + + I woke. A pain possessed my head. The gathered Ghosts were gone, + And I lay there in Trafalgar Square, on a cold stone alone. + I seemed to hear a wailing cry, a whisper on the breeze, + Which said, in accents I well knew, "_Now then, Time, Gentlemen, + please_!" + It may have been the warning to recall those vagrant Ghosts + To ---- wheresoever they abide, poor pallid spectral hosts! + What it all meant I cannot tell, but this at least I know, + To that Psychical Society no more at night I'll go! + +_CHORUS._ + + Some of the Ghosts did goggle, some of the Spooks did stare, + But there they sat in a spectral row round "the Squirts" in Trafalgar + Square. + They all gave a loud "Ha! ha!" they all gave a loud "Ho! ho!" + And I turned and fled, and got home to bed as the rooster began to crow! + + * * * * * + +THE NAKED TRUTH.--Our old friend, Mrs. RAMSBOTHAM, was reading, the +other day, a letter in the _Times_ about "Electrical Tramways," when +she came upon a line stating that "two naked conductors" would be +used. Much shocked, she was about to look at something else in the +paper when she noticed that "one of the conductors was to be carried +on poles," and another to be "laid rigid between the rails!" Horrified +at this apparent brutality, the worthy lady has been writing letters +(in draft) to the Commissioner of Police ever since! + + * * * * * + +A FRIENDLY TIP TO THE FIGHTING FACTIONS. + + Recrimination is vexation, + Sedition is as bad; + Home Rule the-o-ry much puzzles J.B. + _Such_ practice proves _you_ mad! + + * * * * * + +A TIMELY SUGGESTION.--Commenting upon the exceptionally bad +case of the Rev. Mr. CLUTTERBUCK last week, the _Times_ asks if +something cannot be done to put down betting by turf-agencies, and +stock-exchange gambling per "bucket-shops." We regret our inability to +suggest an immediate remedy, but, as a warning and a reminder, let the +last-named institutions be called "Clutterbucket-shops." + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. +101, December 5, 1891, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 14122.txt or 14122.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/4/1/2/14122/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online +Distributed Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +https://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +https://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at https://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit https://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including including checks, online payments and credit card +donations. To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. diff --git a/old/14122.zip b/old/14122.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6c2c135 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/14122.zip |
