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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101,
+December 5, 1891, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 101, December 5, 1891
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: November 22, 2004 [EBook #14122]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the PG Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 101.
+
+
+
+December 5, 1891.
+
+
+
+
+QUITE FABULOUS!
+
+(_A STORY OF THE TIMES, DEDICATED TO PROFESSOR MUNRO._)
+
+KING COLE, although described as a "merry old soul," was in reality
+a tyrant. He had a number of subjects who used to work underground,
+and their labour was to bring to the surface the black diamonds of
+the earth. It was not altogether a pleasant occupation, but still,
+the task had to be accomplished. His Majesty was fond of ferocious
+practical jokes, and perchance this may have been the origin of
+the jocular description attached to his name. One day, some of his
+subjects complained that their hours of labour were too many.
+
+"How long do you work?" asked the King.
+
+"May it please you, Sire, sixteen," was the reply.
+
+"Try what you can do with twelve," and they were about to depart
+rejoicing, when the Monarch called them back and added, "But mind you,
+I shall expect just as many black diamonds to be unearthed as before."
+
+So the King's subjects worked only twelve hours, and strange to say,
+quite as many black diamonds were produced as in the olden days. Then
+the workmen began to grumble once more, and the King again interviewed
+them.
+
+"Do you still work twelve hours?" he asked the deputation.
+
+"Certainly, Your Majesty; but we think half would be quite enough,"
+returned the spokesman.
+
+"By all means--why not make it three hours?" and again his subjects
+were departing, rejoicing, when once more he added, "But I shall
+expect just the same output as before."
+
+And he got it, for the men worked harder than ever. And then they
+came yet again to him. Once more they considered the hours of labour
+excessive. They thought sixty minutes plenty.
+
+"So do I," replied the Monarch, "not only plenty, but too many. But
+as it is scarcely worth while employing you only half an hour a day,
+I shall make other arrangements."
+
+And from that time forth he brought up his black diamonds from the
+centre of the earth by machinery!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOT "HALF A CHAP."--A well-known Clergyman, who "does nothing by
+halves." i.e., Dean HOLE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "WHEN A MAN DOES NOT LOOK HIS BEST."--NO. 4.
+
+WHEN HE JUST BEGINS TO REALISE WHAT A SUFFERING HE WOULD HAVE SAVED
+HIMSELF, IF HE HAD ONLY HAD THE _COURAGE_ TO SAY "_MEDIUM_" INSTEAD OF
+"HARD."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+[Illustration: The Baron's Retainers, Mesdames Blythe and Gay, giving
+him the results of their readings.]
+
+In the Christmas Numbers of the numerous picture-papers it is at first
+rather difficult to discover which is the genuine article illustrated,
+and which the advertisement, likewise illustrated. In the outside
+picture of the Christmas Number of _The Penny Illustrated Paper_,
+which represents a couple dancing together, I am not yet quite sure
+that the handsome Hebraic gentleman, dancing with a fair Anglo-Saxon
+girl, is not assuring his frightened-looking partner that "Epps's
+Cocoa is Grateful--Comforting," as stated in the paragraph immediately
+beneath the aforesaid picture. On the next page is a sad illustration
+entitled, "The Curse of Revenge. Lost to Human Aid." which turns out
+to be not a Christmas story at all, but an advertisement for Fruit
+Salt. Then opposite this commences a story by GEORGE R. SIMS; and at
+the foot of this page some one replies, "Mr. DOOLAN! There's no one
+of that name here now, Sir." Whereupon, being interested, the reader
+turns over page 1 to find at the head of page 2, not the continuation
+of the above interesting story in the shape of some remark on the part
+of the inquirer, nor any account of what happened after this reply
+had been given, but simply "Benson's Watches" followed by "Fry's
+Chocolate," then a picture (not an advertisement) facing that, and
+then on page 4 the remainder of the dialogue. It doesn't much matter
+perhaps, as the excitement aroused by the story is not violent, and
+the mistake of giving somebody else's card for your own does not occur
+here for the first time as the motive of a plot. CUTHBERT BEDE's name
+is to a "Christmas Carol," and Mr. JOHN LATEY's to a dramatically told
+tale called "Mark Temple's Trial," in which the imaginary heroine
+pays a visit to a very real person of the name of Madame KATTI
+LANNER, whose pupils are represented as all assembled, with bouquets
+and posies, to do honour to the birthday of their "well-loved
+mistress," who is at the same time, "the acknowledged mistress of the
+choreographic art." In this story, the author is to be complimented
+on his invention of the name, "Lord Morgagemore" as an ancient looking
+and highly aristocratic Irish title.
+
+"Up to any game at Christmas, if it's not too high," says the Baron
+of Hampershire, who detests all game that is lofty, but is glad to
+welcome a Shakspearian Revival by MYERS & Co. in the shape of a _Nine
+Men's Morris_, a title the Baron recommends to the notice of Mr.
+WILLIAM MORRIS, yclept "BILLY," when he is making another bouquet of
+poesies. By the way, BIM BROS.' Almanac Cards, one of the Baron's
+Lady Helps describes as "decidedly dainty." Christmas is specially a
+card-playing season, a time of _Pax_ to everybody.
+
+From the _Gordon Stables_ of HUTCHINSON & Co. issues the nightmare
+tale of _The Cruise in the Crystal Boat_; when finished, try their
+_Family Difficulty_, by SARAH DOUDNEY. Send to the Deanery of DEAN AND
+SON, ask for _Baby's Biography_ and _The Little One's Own Beehive_.
+The Spindleside department of the Baron's Booking-Office recommends
+both the above for the Tiny Trots; while the Spearside tells the
+boys to go in for MANVILLE FENN's _Burr Junior_ and Mrs. R. LEE's
+_Adventures in Australia_. Then for all-comers, procure BEATRICE
+HARRADEN's _New Book of Fairies_, for, our "Co." thus puts it, "This
+is all concerning those poor little Fairies, about whom no one takes
+any trouble, and who are left out in the cold at Christmas time."
+Thus for this week conclude the duties of Mesdames BLYTHE and GAY,
+the Baron's Lady Assistant Perusers. "I trust my gentle Public will
+benefit by their advice," quoth,
+
+Theirs truly,
+
+THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"NOW YOU'RE QUITE THE GENTLEMAN!"
+
+(_A BALLAD OF BIRMINGHAM._)
+
+    ["You will not find an alliance in which the weaker side has
+    been so loyal, so straight, so single-hearted, so patriotic
+    as the Liberal Unionists have been during the last five
+    years.... Birmingham is the centre, the consecration of this
+    alliance."--_Lord Salisbury at Birmingham._
+
+    "Now I neither look for nor desire reunion" (with the
+    Gladstonian Liberals.)--_Mr. Chamberlain at Birmingham._]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+AIR--"_YE GENTLEMEN OF ENGLAND_."[1]
+
+  Ye Gentlemen of England,
+    Who follow SALIS-BU-RY,
+  How little did you count upon
+    Assistance from J.C.!
+  Give ear unto his speeches old,
+    And they will plainly show
+  Once he'd scorn to be borne
+    Where the Tory breezes blow,
+      Where the Lilies and Primroses bloom,
+      And the Tory zephyrs blow.
+
+  If once he did oppose you,
+    To-day he is at war
+  With GLADSTONE and his Items.
+    Faith, JOE has travelled far!
+  The Primrose Dames shall teach him
+    True patriot "form" to know.
+  He is leal, and will kneel
+    To the "Lilies" in fair row;
+      To the pretty, winsome Primrose girls,
+      Who buttonhole Brum JOE.
+
+  Ye Gentlemen of England,
+    Whom once he did deride,
+  How safe ye are, and how serene,
+    With JOSEPH on your side.
+  He talks no more of "Ransom"
+    ('Tis P-e-n-s-i-o-n rather now),
+  Brum JOE will not go
+    Where the Hawarden winds do blow;
+      Where HARCOURT thunders loud and long,
+      And Gladstonians blare and blow.
+
+  The Orchid from his button
+    JOE's willing to displace,
+  To take the Primrose posy
+    That's proffered by Her Grace.
+  O gentle dame and dainty,
+    What man could answer "No!"
+  As you prest to his breast
+    The most blessed flowers that blow,
+      The blossoms loved by BEACONSFIELD
+      The bravest blooms that blow?
+
+  O (Brummagem) Tory Beauty,
+    'Tis yours to consecrate
+  The holiest Alliance
+    Our land hath seen of late.
+  Shall he reject its symbol,
+    Or answer "Not for JOE!"?
+  Nay, sweet girl, such a churl
+    Were no "Gentleman" you know;
+      And JOE is "quite the Gentleman,"
+      Brum BRUMMEL in full blow!
+
+  Then courage, all brave Unionists,
+    And never be afraid
+  Whilst Brummagem Republican
+    Is witched by Primrose Maid.
+  There is soft fascination
+    In radiant rank, we know;
+  And a posy, though primrosy,
+    From soft hands makes soft hearts glow,
+      Lilies--though they toil not nor spin
+      Are beauteous--in full blow!
+
+[Footnote 1: Mr. CHAMBERLAIN was once reported to have congratulated
+himself upon his co-operation with "English Gentlemen."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Chappie_ (_after missing his fourth Stag, explains_).
+"AW--FACT IS, THE--AW--WAVING GRASS WAS IN MY WAY."
+
+_Old Stalker._ "HOOT, MON, WAD YE HAE ME BEING OUT A SCYTHE?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LORD LYTTON.
+
+BORN NOV. 8, 1831. DIED NOV. 24, 1891.
+
+  Were clever wise, were grandiose great,
+  How many a servant of the State
+    Had left a more enduring name.
+  But all is not for all; 'tis far
+  From flaming meteor to fixed star,
+    From notoriety to fame.
+
+  Picturesque son of brilliant sire,
+  It wanted but the touch of fire
+    Prometheus only knows to bring
+  The flame divine in him to wake
+  Who moved our plaudits when he spake,
+    But stirred no passion when he'd sing.
+
+  The Orient pageantry he loved,
+  The histrio not the hero moved,
+    The _dilettante_ not the sage.
+  Hence in our England's East his hand
+  Turned, in a story sternly grand,
+    A motley mock-heroic page.
+
+  He by the Seine found fitter place
+  For courtly wit and modish grace,
+    Than by the Indus. There right well
+  His facile talent served his Chief;
+  And England hears with genuine grief
+    That sudden-sounding passing bell.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEW NAME.
+
+  Who prizes Literature? All sorts and sizes
+  Of literary wares now hang on "prizes."
+  'Tis not prose fictionists or poem-spinners
+  The public rush for; no, 'tis "all the winners!"
+  Letters in lotteries find support most sure--
+  Let us be frank, and call them _Lottery_ture!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SUITOR RESARTUS.
+
+_A SENTIMENTAL DILEMMA._
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  How can I woo you in this ancient suit?
+    You do not notice it, of course; I know it.
+  My soul is burdened with a shapeless boot,
+    Your heart is singing welcome to your poet.
+  Here in the shadowy settle I can sit
+    And sparkle with you, brightly confidential,
+  But when into the lamp-bright zone you flit,
+    I shrink into some corner penitential.
+  A well-dressed crowd, their tailors all unpaid,
+    Throng round you there, and cuffs and collars glisten;
+  Of pity's blindness, as of scorn, afraid,
+    I shun the merry fray, and darkling listen,
+  For who could urge the timidest of suits,
+    Conscious of such indifferent clothes and boots?
+
+  You think me quite as good as other men;
+    Nay, more, I think you think me vastly better;
+  Your candid glances seem to ask me when
+    I'll seek to bind you in a willing fetter.
+  Is this presumption? Not from friend to friend,
+    Whose souls unite like clasping hands of lovers;
+  Yet can I breathe no word of love, to end
+    The delicate doubt that o'er the unspoken hovers.
+  If I were hopeless that you loved me not,
+    My hopeless love, confess'd, myself would flatter,
+  But should the blissful dream be true, I wot
+    That love confess'd the joy of love would shatter.
+  My Queen, indeed as king I'd love to lord it;
+    I cannot tell you that I can't afford it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+POSSIBLE EXPLANATION:--"For many months nothing has been heard of
+Lieutenant IVANITCH," was the remark of our leading journal _a propos_
+of Russian disappearances. Is it not probable that IVANITCH, unable to
+find a post to suit him, has gone on tour with a "scratch company"?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS.
+
+NO XVII.
+
+    SCENE--_Under the Colonnade of the Hotel Grande Bretagne,
+    Bellagio. CULCHARD is sitting by one of the pillars, engaged
+    in constructing a sonnet. On a neighbouring seat a group of
+    smart people are talking over their acquaintances, and near
+    them is another visitor, a Mr. CRAWLEY STRUTT, who is
+    watching his opportunity to strike into the conversation._
+
+_Mrs. Hurlingham._ Well, she'll _be_ Lady CHESEPARE some day, when
+anything happens to the old Earl. He was looking quite ghastly when we
+were down at SKYMPINGS last. But they're frightfully badly off _now_,
+poor dears! Lady DRIBLETT lets them have her house in Park Lane for
+parties and that--but it's wonderful how they live at all!
+
+[Illustration: "I don't know if you're acquainted with a paper called
+the _Penny Patrician_?"]
+
+_Colonel Sandown._ He looked pretty fit at the Rag the other day. Come
+across the SENLACS anywhere? Thought Lady SENLAC was going abroad this
+year.
+
+_Mr. Crawley Strutt._ Hem--I saw it mentioned in the _Penny Patrician_
+that her Ladyship had--
+
+_Mrs. Hurl._ (_without taking the slightest notice of him_). She's
+just been marryin' her daughter, you know--rather a good match, too.
+Not what I call pretty,--smart-lookin', that's all. But then her
+_sister_ wasn't pretty till she married.
+
+_Col. Sand._ Nice family she married into! Met her father-in-law, old
+Lord BLETHERHAM, the other morning, at a chemist's in Piccadilly--he'd
+dropped in there for a pick-me-up; and there he was, tellin' chemist
+all the troubles he'd had with his other sons marryin' the way they
+did, and that. Rum man to go and confide in his chemist, but he's like
+that--fond of the vine!
+
+_Mr. C.S._ Er--er--it's becoming a very serious thing, Sir, the way
+our aristocracy is deteriorating, is it not?
+
+_Col. S._ Is it? What have they been up to now, eh? Haven't seen a
+paper for days.
+
+_Mr. C.S._ I mean these mixed marriages, and, well, their general
+goings on, I don't know if you're acquainted with a paper called the
+_Penny Patrician_? I take it in regularly, and I assure _you_--loyal
+supporter of our old hereditary institutions as I am--some of the
+revelations I read about in high life make me blush--yes, downright
+_blush_ for them! [_Mrs. HURLINGHAM retires._
+
+_Col. S._ Do they, though? If I were you I should let 'em do their own
+blushin', and save my pennies.
+
+_Mr. C.S._ (_deferentially_). No doubt you're right, Sir, but I _like_
+the _Patrician_ myself--it's very smartly written. Talking of that,
+do you happen to know the ins and outs of that marriage of young Lord
+GOSLINGTON's? Something very mysterious about the party he's going to
+marry--who _are_ her people now?
+
+_Col. S._ Can't say, I'm sure--no business of mine, you know.
+
+_Mr. C.S._ There I venture to think you're wrong, Sir. It's the
+business of everybody--the _duty_, I may say--to see that the best
+blood of the nation is not--(_Col. S. turns into the hotel; Mr. C.S.
+sits down near CULCH._)--Remarkably superior set of visitors staying
+here, Sir! My chief objection to travel always is, that it brings
+you in contact with parties you wouldn't think of associating with at
+home. I was making that same remark to a very pleasant little fellow
+I met on the steamer--er--Lord UPPERSOLE, I think it was--and he
+entirely concurred. Your friend made us acquainted.--(_PODBURY comes
+out of the hotel._)--Ah, here _is_ your friend.--(_To PODB._)--Seen
+his Lordship about lately, Sir?--Lord UPPERSOLE, I _mean_, of course!
+
+_Podb._ UPPERSOLE? No--he's over at Cadenabbia, I believe.
+
+_Mr. C.S._ A highly agreeable spot to stay at. Indeed, I've some idea
+myself of--Exceedingly pleasant person his Lordship--so affable, so
+completely the gentleman!
+
+_Podb._ Oh, he's affable enough--for a boot-maker. I always give him a
+title when I see him, for the joke of the thing--he likes it.
+
+_Mr. C.S._ He _may_, Sir. I consider a title is not a thing to be
+treated in that light manner. It--it was an unpardonable liberty to
+force me into the society of that class of person--unpardonable, Sir!
+
+    [_He goes._
+
+_Podb._ Didn't take much _forcing_, after he once heard me call him
+"Lord UPPERSOLE"! Where are all the others, eh? Thought we were going
+up to the Villa Serbelloni this afternoon.
+
+_Culch._ I--er--have not been consulted. Are they--er--_all_ going?
+
+    [_With a shade of anxiety._
+
+_Podb._ I believe so. You needn't be afraid, you know. HYPATIA won't
+have the chance of ragging you now--she and Miss TROTTER have had a
+bit of a breeze.
+
+_Culch._ I rather gathered as much. I think I could guess the--
+
+_Podb._ Yes, HYPATIA's rather uneasy about poor old BOB; thinks Miss
+TROTTER is--well, carrying on, you know. She is no end of a little
+flirt--_you_ know that well enough!--(_C. disclaims impatiently._)
+Here you all are, eh?--(_To Miss P., Miss T., and BOB._)--Well, who
+knows the way up to the villa?
+
+_Miss T._ It's through the town, and up some steps by the church--you
+cann't miss it. But Mr. PRENDERGAST is going to show me a short cut up
+behind the hotel--aren't you, Mr. PRENDERGAST?
+
+_Miss P._ (_icily_). I really think, dear, it would be better if we
+all kept together--for so _many_ reasons!
+
+_Culch._ (_with alacrity_). I agree with Miss PRENDERGAST. A short cut
+is invariably the most indirect route.
+
+_Miss P._ (_with intention_). You hear what Mr. CULCHARD says, my dear
+MAUD? He advocates direct ways, as best in the long run.
+
+_Miss T._ It's only going to be a short run, my love. But I'm vurry
+glad to observe that you and Mr. CULCHARD are so perfectly harmonious,
+as I'm leaving him on your hands for a spell. Aren't you ever coming,
+Mr. PRENDERGAST?
+
+    [_She leads him off, a not unwilling captive._
+
+_A PATH IN THE GROUNDS OF THE VILLA SERBELLONI._
+
+_Podb._ (_considerately, to CULCHARD, who is following Miss
+PRENDERGAST and him, in acute misery_). Look here, old fellow, Miss
+PRENDERGAST would like to sit down, I know; so don't you bother about
+keeping with us if you'd rather _not_, you know!
+
+    [_CULCHARD murmurs an inarticulate protest._
+
+_Miss P._ Surely, Mr. PODBURY, you are aware by this time that Mr.
+CULCHARD has a perfect mania for self-sacrifice!
+
+    [_CULCHARD drops behind, crushed._
+
+_AMONG THE RUINS AT THE TOP OF THE HILL._
+
+_Culch._ (_who has managed to overtake Miss T. and her companion_).
+Now _do_ oblige me by looking through that gap in the pines towards
+Lecco. I particularly wish you to observe the effect of light on those
+cliffs--it's well worth your while.
+
+_Miss T._ Why, certainly, it's a view that does you infinite credit.
+Oh, you _didn't_ take any hand in the arrangement? But ain't you
+afraid if you go around patting the scenery on the head this way,
+you'll have the lake overflow?
+
+_Bob. P._ Ha-ha-ha! One in the eye for _you_, CULCHARD!
+
+_Culch._ (_with dignity_). Surely one may express a natural enthusiasm
+without laying oneself open--?
+
+_Miss T._ Gracious, yes! I should hope you wouldn't want to show your
+enthusiasm _that_ way--like a Japanese nobleman!
+
+_Culch._ (_to himself_). Now that's coarse--_really_
+coarse!--(_Aloud._)--I seem to be unable to open my mouth now without
+some ridiculous distortion--
+
+_Miss T._ My!--but that's a serious symptom--isn't it? You don't feel
+like you were going to have lock-jaw, do you, Mr. CULCHARD?
+
+    [_CULCHARD falls back to the rear once more. Later--Mr.
+    VAN BOODELER has joined the party; HYPATIA has contrived
+    to detach her brother, CULCHARD has sought refuge with
+    PODBURY._
+
+_Miss T._ (_to VAN B._). So that's what kept you? "Well, it sounds
+just too enchanting. But I cann't answer for what Miss PRENDERGAST
+will say to it. It mayn't suit her notions of propriety.
+
+_Mr. Van B._ I expect she'll be superior to Britannic prejudices of
+that kind. I consider your friend a highly cultivated and charming
+lady, MAUD. She produces that impression upon me.
+
+_Miss T._ I presume, from that, she has shown an intelligent interest
+in the great American novel?
+
+_Mr. Van B._ Why, yes; it enlists her literary sympathies--she sees
+all its possibilities.
+
+_Miss T._ And they're pretty numerous, too. But here she comes. You'd
+better tell her your plan right now.
+
+_Miss P._ (_in an earnest undertone to BOB, as they approach,
+followed by CULCH. and BOB_). You _must_ try and be sensible about
+it, BOB; if _you_ are too blind to see that she is only--
+
+BOB (_sulkily_). All _right_! Haven't I _said_ I'd go? What's the good
+of _jawing_ about it?
+
+_Mr. V.B._ (_to Miss P._) I've been telling my cousin I've been
+organising a little water-party for this evening--moonlight,
+mandolins, Menaggio. If you find that alliteration has any
+attractions, I hope you and your brother will do me the pleasure of--
+
+_Miss P._ I'm afraid not, thanks. We have all our packing to do. We
+find we shall have to leave early to-morrow.
+
+    [_Van B.'s face falls; BOB listens gloomily to_ Miss T.'s
+    rather perfunctory expressions of regret; PODBURY looks
+    anxious and undecided; CULCHARD does his best to control an
+    unseemly joy._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GOOD NEW "TIMES."
+
+Nobody, after visiting Terry's Theatre, can apply to Mr. PINERO's
+piece the hackneyed phrase,--used apologetically by an unconscionable
+reader after detaining the leading journal for three-quarters of an
+hour,--"Oh, there's nothing in _The Times_," for, in Mr. PINERO's
+piece there is plenty of amusement, if not of absorbing interest.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The story is that of a _parvenu_, whose sole object in life, to
+be recognised by "Society," is thwarted by the marriage of his
+good-for-nothing son with the daughter of an Irish lodging-house
+keeper. The struggles of _Mr. and Mrs. Bompas_ to conceal this
+_mesalliance_, and the assistance given them in their difficulties by
+the _Hon. Montague Trimble_, constitute the motive of the play. But
+the question that must occur to the critical mind is, "Did the author
+mean this piece for high comedy, or farcical comedy?" If the former,
+then Mr. TERRY is wrong in his conception of the part; if the latter,
+everybody else is wrong in their conception of their parts.
+
+It seems to me as if, in the course of rehearsal, the peculiarities
+distinguishing the character of _Percy Egerton Bompas, M.P._, had
+gradually become assimilated with the individualities of the actor,
+Mr. EDWARD TERRY. If Mr. PINERO so meant it, if he so wrote it for Mr.
+TERRY and for Mr. TERRY only, then there is nothing more to be said;
+Mr. PINERO's ideal is realised. But if the author did _not_ intend Mr.
+TERRY's impersonation, then he must be content to sacrifice the ideal
+to the real, shrug his shoulders, and pocket his profits. Yet, as if
+making an appeal to the public to judge between the auctorial abstract
+and the representational concrete, Mr. PINERO not only publishes his
+playbook, but sells it in the theatre. Visitors to TERRY's, who buy
+the book, will judge the play by its stage interpretation that has had
+the advantage of the author's personal supervision and direction. The
+representation, therefore, is either more or less in accordance with
+his teaching, or flatly contradicts it.
+
+[Illustration: One of the Leaders in _The Times_.]
+
+The publication of the book of a comedy in a theatre may be thankfully
+received as a present help to the audience, and an aid to memory
+afterwards, or it may be considered as a protest on the part of the
+author who says, "Here's what I have written. See how they act it:
+whether it be farce or comedy, judge for yourselves. You pay your
+money, and you take your choice." Suffice it, then, to record that, on
+the night of this deponent's visit, the piece played from eight till
+past eleven, and that the audience from first to last was generally
+amused, but, I should be inclined to say, particularly disappointed
+at the collapse of Mr. TERRY's part in the last Act (the principal
+portion of which he passes curled up on a sofa, with the top of
+his forehead powdered white! Why?), and mystified by the sudden and
+apparently unnecessary revelation, made by _Miss Cazalet_, to the
+effect that _Lucy Tuck_ (a mentally and physically short-sighted girl)
+is her illegitimate daughter; and these two last-named personages,
+though essential to the plot, fail unfortunately in rousing any
+sentiment of pity or of sympathy.
+
+Mr. ELLIOT is excellent as the _Hon. Montague Trimble_; nothing
+better, apart from Mr. HARE's eccentric characters, has been seen on
+the stage for some considerable time. I hope the author is of the same
+opinion. Mr. FRED THORNE is capital as the Irish Member; and as _Mrs.
+Hooley_, an obtrusively Irish eccentricity of Thackerayan extraction,
+Miss ALEXES LEIGHTON is very good, for the character, as drawn by
+the author, _is_ obtrusive, and is so meant to be. The _Mrs. Egerton
+Bompas_ of Miss FANNY BROUGH is _the_ woman to the life, and, in my
+humble judgment, Miss BROUGH's impersonation is well-nigh faultless.
+Whether, if the part of _Egerton Bompas_ were played as high comedy,
+this would still improve Miss BROUGH's impersonation of _Mrs. Bompas_
+or not, it is difficult to decide; but I am inclined to think this
+would be the result. What does the author think? Most likely he will
+continue to "think"; it is the wiser course. Mr. HENRY V. ESMOND makes
+the lad, _Howard Bompas_, unnecessarily repulsive; but if, in doing
+so, he is only exactly carrying out the author's idea, i.e., "Master's
+orders," then he is no longer responsible for the overcharged
+colouring. The probable fate of this unhappy pair, an impulsive
+uneducated kind of Irish orange-girl married to a contemptible
+young sot, is not a pleasant termination to the story, nor is the
+anticipatory sadness felt for the future of this ill-assorted couple
+in any way dissipated by the stereotyped and perfunctory offer of
+marriage made by the young London Journal Nobleman to the daughter of
+the utterly crushed snob just before the Curtain descends.
+
+Why the piece is called _The Times_, remains a mystery. _To-day_
+would have been better; that is, if by _The Times_ is only meant "The
+Present Day." And if it doesn't mean this, what meaning has it? For
+alliterative advertisement it may be useful; e.g., "Times at TERRY's."
+The dialogue generally is easy, natural and telling.
+
+Yours,
+
+PRIVATE BOX.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FOLLOW THE BARON!
+
+    ["Such characters as he should retire into fiction, they
+    are too exaggerated for real life."--_"Times" on Mr. R.L.
+    Stevenson's Sad Maron of Samou._]
+
+  Oh, most excellent true! How I thank thee, great _Times_,
+    For teaching that phrase! 'Tis delicious!
+  Fiction! The haunt of mad follies, crass crimes,
+    Fads futile, and tastes meretricious.
+  Oh, joy, to transport to that Limbo of Fools,
+    Upon trial and honest conviction,
+  The plagues of our Parties, our Churches, our Schools,
+    Who ought to "retire into Fiction."
+
+  When WINDYWHAME, M.P., goes spouting about,
+    His flatulent madness and malice;
+  When SLUDGE, after years of dogmatical doubt,
+    Finds Faith's Wonderland worthy of _Alice_;
+  When POPINJAY airs his effeminate Art,
+    And DOBBS sputters dirt in choice diction,
+  Ye gods, there'd be joy in Church, Forum, and Mart,
+    If the fools would "retire into Fiction."
+
+  Pragmatical pietists, sceptics obtuse
+    Who Progress impede with crude cackle,
+  Predestinate duffers of prattle profuse,
+    Who the biggest world-problems would tackle;
+  State-quacks, shouting Emperors, queer School-Board cranks,
+    We'll give you our best benediction,
+  And speed you at parting with heartiest thanks,
+    If you'll only--"retire into Fiction!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: EMANCIPATION.
+
+_Young Bride of Three Hours' standing_ (_just starting on her Wedding
+Trip_).--"OH, EDWIN DEAR! HERE'S '_TOM JONES_.' PAPA TOLD ME I WASN'T
+TO READ IT TILL I WAS MARRIED! THE DAY HAS COME ... AT LAST! BUY IT
+FOR ME, EDWIN DEAR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ARMING THE AMAZONS.
+
+(_MODERN BRUMMAGEM VERSION._)
+
+    [At the meeting (at Birmingham) of the National Union of
+    Conservative and Constitutional Associations, a resolution in
+    favour of "considering the claims of women to be admitted to
+    the franchise when entitled by ownership or occupation," was
+    carried "by an overwhelming majority, amid loud cheers."
+    Mrs. FAWCETT afterwards said, "What new forces were they (the
+    Conservative Party) prepared to bring against the anarchy,
+    socialism and revolution which were arrayed against them?
+    The granting of women's suffrage would be against the
+    disintegrating power of the other side, as women were
+    everywhere anti-revolutionary forces.... This would add
+    about 800,000 to the electorate. They would be, she believed,
+    middle-aged women of property, than whom she thought they
+    could not assemble more anti-revolutionary forces."]
+
+_Trojan Leader loquitur_:--
+
+  To arm the Amazons against the Greeks,
+  OVIDIUS hints, proud manhood galls and piques.
+  No doubt; yet NASO did it in his day,
+  And we, in ours, who, sorely-pressed, would stay
+  The rising tide of Revolution, check
+  Disintegration, of the claws who'd peck
+  At our political sleeves and platform hearts
+  Must not be frightened.
+      "Rummiest of starts,"
+  The ribald Cockney cries; to see at length,
+  "The Tory seeking to recruit his strength
+  Prom those he dubbed, in earlier, scornfuller mood
+  The crowing hens, the shrieking sisterhood!"
+  Shade of sardonic SMOLLETT, haunt no more
+  St. Stephen's precincts; list not to the roar
+  Of the mad Midland cheers, when FEILDING's plan
+  Of levelling (moneyed) Woman up to Man
+  Wins "Constitutional" support and votes
+  From a "majority" of Tory throats!
+  Mrs. LYNN LINTON, how this vote must vex,
+  That caustic censor of her own sweet sex!
+  Wild Women--_with_ the Suffrage! Fancy that,
+  O fluent Lady, at tart nick-names pat!
+  Girls of the Period? They were bad enough,
+  But what a deal of skimble-skamble stuff
+  Will Mrs. FAWCETT's Middle-aged Ones talk
+  When these eight hundred thousand _hens_ o' the walk
+  Cackle for Order, Purity, and Peace!!!
+
+  Partlets _may_ save our Capitol, as geese
+  Once did the Roman; nigh a million--JUNOS,
+  Roll back the tide of Revolution. Who knows?
+  Not PRIAM-SALISBURY. Does _he_ look askance
+  At the new Amazonian Queen's advance?
+  Does he hide apprehension with a smile?
+  The Amazons are used to Grecian guile;
+  ACHILLES-GLADSTONE sorely they mistrust.
+  Which side will give them more than fain it must?
+  To-day the Trojans show the friendlier front
+  PENTHESILEA, whom the Greeks would shunt,
+  Proffers her aid to Tory Troy, to keep
+  High Ilium against the foes who creep
+  Nearer and nearer to its sacred walls.
+  ACHILLES o'er the trenches loudly calls,
+  In menace fierce, thrasonic in his boast,
+  His Myrmidons, a mad and motley host,
+  Mean boundless mischief, the Palladium's gone
+  If they are not repulsed. It _must_ be done,
+  Come what, come will. PRIAM has trimmed his sails
+  To popular winds until the pilot fails
+  To know the old and carefully charted course.
+  His wisdom, and brave ARTHUR-HECTOR's force,
+  May yet prove vain if no auxiliar hand
+  Help yon Anarchic legions to withstand.
+  The Amazonian host? Aha! Well hit!
+  Scruple to take she-helping? Not a bit
+  Too late for proud punctilio. No, this Queen
+  Is not so lovely, of such royal mien,
+  As hers who witched ACHILLES e'en in death.
+  An elderly Amazon of shortish breath,
+  With gingham huge and gig-lamps, though she hold
+  That "Property" buckler broad and bossed with gold
+  Is scarce a Siren--of the ancient style;
+  More of Minerva's frown than Venus' smile!
+  But then, eight hundred thousand!!! There's the rub.
+  Recruited from the Platform and the Tub,
+  With Middle-aged and Propertied Amazons,
+  Ilium may master e'en the Myrmidons.
+  Come, anti-revolutionaries, come!
+  Strike Anarchy dead, and Socialism dumb!
+  Accept new arms, ye maiden cohorts! Take
+  The weapon that shall make ACHILLES shake,
+  And reinforce, against the wiles of Greece,
+  The powers of Property, Privilege, and Peace!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OPTIMISM.
+
+  "All's for the best," smirks fatuous DIVES. He
+  _Means_, "I'm the best, and therefore all's for _me_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ARMING THE AMAZONS.
+
+  PRIAM (_loquitur_). "ACCEPT NEW ARMS, YE MAIDEN COHORTS! TAKE
+                      THE WEAPON THAT SHALL MAKE ACHILLES SHAKE,
+                      AND REINFORCE, AGAINST THE WILES OF GREECE,
+                      THE POWERS OF PROPERTY, PRIVILEGE, AND PEACE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ONLY FANCY!
+
+We understand that Mr. GLADSTONE has followed, with much interest, the
+speeches delivered in the country last week, and was observed to be
+visibly affected at the touching spectacle of the final reconciliation
+of Lord SALISBURY and Mr. CHAMBERLAIN at Birmingham. "They toil
+not, neither do they spin," he said, furtively wiping away a tear;
+"nevertheless, they seem made for each other's company."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "A Fantasy of Disordered Imagination."]
+
+The Right Hon. Gentleman will take his turn next week, and a report
+is current in interested quarters, that he as gone into training under
+the personal direction of Sir WILLIAM HARCOURT and Mr. JOHN MORLEY,
+who assist to support him whilst he rehearses his speech. This is
+a fantasy of disordered imagination. Mr. G. is in splendid form,
+spoiling for a fight.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A trustworthy Correspondent informs us that, owing to accidental
+displacement of his notes, a telling point was omitted from Lord
+SALISBURY's first speech at Birmingham. It was intended to come in
+at the passage where the PREMIER boldly flouted apprehension, of
+Ministerial disaster at the General Election. He had meant to cite Mr.
+JACKSON's appointment as conclusive proof that the Government would
+exist at least up to the year 1900.
+
+"SHAKSPEARE," he should have said, "has written, 'a tanner will last
+you nine year,' and of course the duration of the Government will
+be co-incidental with the prolongation of the term of our Financial
+Secretary to the Treasury, withdrawn from commercial pursuits at
+Leeds."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HERR VON DER BLOWITZOWN-TROMP has some interesting reminiscences of
+the lamented Baron MAC HINERY. "When he was appointed Legate at the
+Court of the Isle of Man," writes the great historian of our times,
+"he dined with me in passing through Nanterre. It was the very day the
+Marquis DE MOULIN had been elected Pompier. The other guests were,
+His Excellency the CON OF CRIM TARTARY, Prince ALLEZ-VOUS-EN, His
+Excellency the VICUNA of BRAZIL, the SANDWICH AMBASSADOR, the DOGE of
+VENICE, and the Baron MUNCHAUSEN, who was a kind of amateur partner of
+mine, in whom I had much confidence--I always left him with my day's
+correspondence ready to be committed to paper. In the course of the
+dinner a stupid _garcon_, handing the ice round, dropped a small piece
+down the back of the neck of the DOGE of VENICE. With great presence
+of mind Baron MUNCHAUSEN seized the poker (which fortunately happened
+to be in the fire), and, with inimitable dexterity, passed the red-hot
+brand between the DOGE's shirt-collar and his neck, and, deftly
+touching the piece of ice, melted it. It was an awkward moment. The
+canned lobster was just served, but no one thought of eating it. The
+CON of CRIM TARTARY turning to Baron MAC HINERY, said,--
+
+"You, my Lord, who are disinterested in this matter, tell us what you
+think of it."
+
+"I think," replied the Baron, with admirable _sangfroid_, "his
+Highness the DOGE would have felt better if the ice had been warmer,
+and the poker cooler."
+
+Everybody laughed. The DOGE and Baron MUNCHAUSEN shook hands, and the
+dinner ended gaily.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RYMOND, writing _lui-meme_ with too infrequent pen, makes pathetic
+reference to the death of "one of the largest and best known purveyors
+of Rhine wine, with whom I have had business relations and personal
+intercourse for nearly thirty years." There is, we need hardly say,
+no basis for the insinuation thrown out by HENED that the business
+relations referred to were of the commission order sometimes
+established between purveyors of Rhine and other wines and gentlemen
+who have a wide circle of friends.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THEORY AND PRACTICE.
+
+    SCENE--_Interior of a First-class Railway Carriage.
+    Theoretical Passenger and Practical Passenger discussing the
+    "Unreadiness of England."_
+
+_Theoretical Passenger_ (_at the conclusion of a long account of the
+national shortcomings_). Yes, my dear Sir, France has only to declare
+war to-morrow, and we are completely ruined! We cease to exist as a
+nation!
+
+_Practical Passenger_ (_with a smile_). But hasn't this been said
+about us--by ourselves--for any number of years?
+
+_Theo. Pas._ Doubtless, but that does not make it the less true.
+
+_Prac. Pas._ Possibly; still, it is encouraging to find that we _do_
+exist in spite of the "temptation to belong to other nations."
+
+_Theo. Pas._ (_annoyed_). Ah! you treat the matter with levity; but
+I assure you it is a most serious thing! How would you like to be
+bombarded?
+
+_Prac. Pas._ Not at all. The more especially as it would be a great
+expense to the enemy.
+
+_Theo. Pas._ (_with dignified resentment_). I see you consider the
+subject a proper topic for raillery! It is a very fine day!
+
+_Prac. Pas._ (_in a conciliatory tone_). No, no, I can assure you I am
+deeply interested. But how about our Fleet--surely that should protect
+us?
+
+_Theo. Pas._ You must be very much behind the age to say so. Our Fleet
+is practically valueless. It is perfectly easy to invade us at a
+dozen places. If the French went to Ireland (as they did in the last
+century), the conquest of England would be assured. They would (with
+the assistance of a friendly peasantry), get their supplies and make
+good their footing.
+
+_Prac. Pas._ But how about our Army?
+
+_Theo. Pas._ A farce! An expensive farce. We have no Regulars, the
+Militia exists only on paper, and the Volunteers are valueless.
+
+_Prac. Pas._ Then why not have a Conscription--that would bring up our
+Army with a run?
+
+_Theo. Pas._ A Conscription! My dear Sir, the nation wouldn't think of
+such a thing! No, not for a single moment!
+
+_Prac. Pas._ (_after a pause_). Well, what is to be done?
+
+_Theo. Pas._ (_promptly_). Nothing, except to write to the papers and
+submit to our fate.
+
+_Prac. Pas._ Is there any objection to the construction of the Channel
+Tunnel?
+
+_Theo. Pas._ (_carelessly_). None in the least--but why do you ask?
+
+_Prac. Pas._ Because, if in the case of war, the entire French nation
+pours into England;--as you say it will?
+
+_Theo. Pas._ Certainly.
+
+_Prac. Pas._ The best thing we can do is to utilise the Tunnel, pour
+into France, and stay there! It will be only changing sides!
+
+    [_Conversation interrupted by whistle, and consequent rattle
+    and darkness._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SPHINX AND THE STICK.
+
+_A SONG WHEREIN IS SUGGESTED A SUITABLE SUBJECT FOR AN IBSENITE
+TRAGEDY._
+
+    [Sir JAMES CRICHTON-BROWNE thinks that "the reserve and
+    suppression of emotional movement which is observed in
+    English people" will probably result in all the women becoming
+    sphinxes, and all the men sticks.]
+
+  "Oh! do wag your head!" said the Sphinx to the Stick.
+  "I _can't_," he replied, "or I would, darling, quick!
+  If you'll only indulge in a shrug and some winks,
+  You'll perhaps set _me_ off," said the Stick to the Sphinx.
+  "Nay, long 'inhibition,'" the Sphinx made reply,
+  "Has imparted rigidity, love, to my eye."
+  "'Emotional movement' no longer is mine,"
+  Sighed the Stick to the Sphinx; "though I greatly incline
+  To a dig in your ribs, or a slap on your back
+  (As a sign of my love), all my muscles are slack.
+  My poor 'motor-centres' are all out of gear,
+  And I can't even 'chuck' your soft chin, sweet, I fear.
+  I'm sure such a stolid inflexible 'stick' you'll hate,
+  But, though I adore you, I _cannot_ gesticulate--"
+  "My case is as bad," sighed the Sphinx to the Stick,
+  "For I cannot 'bridle'--no more than a brick."
+  Said the Stick to the Sphinx, "Ah, we once knew what love meant!
+  But, thanks to the loss of 'emotional movement,'
+  We can't give it 'graceful and chastened expression,'
+  And so it seems slipping fast out of possession.
+  Heigho! we had far better die, darling, quick!
+  Since you are a Sphinx, love, and I'm but a Stick!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VERY LIKELY--JUST NOW.--A place to spend a Quiet Sunday--Eastbourne.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MR. PUNCH ON TOUR IN YORKSHIRE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"ON THE HYP"-NOTIST.
+
+(_FRAGMENT FROM A ROMANCE PURELY IMAGINARY AND YET TO BE WRITTEN._)
+
+The _Savants_ were gathered together to consider the question of
+Hypnotism. They had been appointed by a learned Association, and their
+Hon. Secretary had distinguished himself by writing a letter, which if
+eccentric in punctuation, was yet to the point.
+
+"We must not forget, Gentlemen," said one of the learned persons,
+"that we have been appointed to investigate the use of Hypnotism as
+a therapeutic agent. It will be our duty to ascertain, if it is
+possible, that operations can be performed under the shield of its
+anaesthesia."
+
+"You are indeed right," replied another, "and it is fortunate in one
+sense that we have not had the advantage of greeting at our board,
+Doctor OWEN COLEMAN of Dunedin, Surbiton."
+
+"Why so?" asked a third.
+
+"Because," returned _Savant_ No. 2, "that distinguished Member of the
+Medical Profession can give instances of successful treatment under
+the prescribed circumstances. For instance, JULES CLOQUET, as early
+as 1845 was using Hypnotism in the cause of painless surgery. However,
+our pleasant little gathering can do no harm."
+
+"Perhaps not," acquiesced _Savant_ No. 3. "Although it is only right
+to remark that had we had Dr. COLEMAN's knowledge, we should have
+possibly considered it _qua_ Committee a trifle superfluous."
+
+"Do you not think we ought to visit the Aquarium?" asked the first
+speaker. "I am told that there is a Hypnotist who appears there twice
+a-day, and whose exhibition, from a scientific point of view, should
+be decidedly interesting."
+
+After this there was a speedy departure, and for some hours the
+Committee lounged about the Aquarium, They there saw a female acrobat
+of great strength. Then they paid a visit to the Alhambra, where they
+met a pleasant young lady, who, seemingly without any assistance,
+lifted four or five bulky gentlemen seated on a chair. This she did
+without any exertion and with a smiling countenance. On their return
+to their private room, they seemed somewhat hostile to the pretensions
+of the Hypnotist, whose feats they had just witnessed--they preferred
+to his performances the feats of the Magnetic Lady.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"Quite a mistake," said one; "instead of taking off a leg, or showing
+the strength of a billiard cue, he makes men believe that they are
+swimming in a tank!"
+
+"Very undignified," remarked another; "it would have been so much
+better had he performed a surgical operation--say, setting a compound
+fracture of the leg, like that performed by two medical men in 1845;
+and more interesting to the vast majority of the audience."
+
+"But the Alhambra was excellent," was the reply. "Suppose we send
+to our Committee a Report of the 'Magnetic Lady' and ignore the
+Hypnotist?"
+
+And so it was decided, and it was time to write their Report. Then
+pens, ink, and paper were produced, and the _Savants_ prepared for
+work. They had scarcely commenced, when a gentleman stood in their
+midst, and glared at them. He gave them each a disc, and commanded
+them to gaze upon its surface. Then, one by one, they fell over fast
+asleep. He placed them back in their chairs.
+
+"Now for your Report," he murmured. "And so you would ignore _my_
+show and praise another! But you are in my power, and _shall_ obey
+me! Write what I dictate!" And so they wrote. And, strange as it may
+appear to non-believers in Hypnotism, the Report, when published,
+was found to be an excellent advertisement for the Royal Westminster
+Aquarium!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SENILE FELINE AMENITIES.
+
+"WELL, GOOD AFTERNOON--I'M GOING TO CALL ON MY MOTHER!"
+
+"WHAT! YOU DON'T MEAN TO SAY YOU'VE GOT A MOTHER _LIVING_?"
+
+"OH YES--AND SHE DON'T LOOK A BIT OLDER THAN _YOU_ DO--I ASSURE YOU!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR FINANCIAL COLUMN.
+
+_Orl Court, E.C.[2]_
+
+I am preparing a big _coup_, and wish all my friends to be in it. My
+friends are legion, it is true, but they may depend upon me to do the
+best for all. Nothing on the gigantic scale I am now preparing has
+been seen or heard of in the Financial World since the days of the
+Flood, when NOAH's floating capital weathered the storm. What was
+the stock worth when Father NOAH once again touched land? Expect the
+biggest result ever known. I may be sanguine. I have the right to be
+so.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"PONY."--Yes. Buy A. and C.N.B.--Invest big cheque with yours truly.
+The only safe and profitable investment.
+
+"D.A.H."--Don't you do it, or you'll be H.A.D. Send cheques here.
+Strict account kept, and gains delivered in cash by special messenger.
+
+"A HESITATER."--Don't doubt for a moment. Sell everything right off,
+and invest proceeds by cheque with your friend."
+
+"A.S.S."--The Dividend days of the "_Ex-Nihilo-Fit Loan and Insurance
+Company_ are April 1, up to mid-day, and September 31.
+
+So much for some of the principal Correspondents who require an answer
+in my weekly article. As for myself, I can only say that my motto is,
+"_Confidentia Illimitata et Nulla Pecunia redditur_." Within the last
+month the gross earnings of the office on behalf of my clients has
+been L12,345,678,910 which compares favourably with the previous
+month. Every penny of this, equal to 50 per cent. profit to every one
+of my clients, will be distributed within a week with a handsome bonus
+of twenty-five pounds to everyone sending in his coupon or cheque
+for fifteen sovereigns by twelve o'clock next Tuesday, after which
+hour it is impossible for any one, be he who he may, from Kaiser to
+Chimney-sweeper, to participate in the enormous profit which will have
+been honestly earned by
+
+Yours truly,
+
+CROESUS.
+
+[Footnote 2: N.B.--Note change of address.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SHORTLY TO APPEAR.--_A Morning without Boots_, by the Author of _A
+Knight without Spurs_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+POPULAR SONGS RE-SUNG;
+
+OR, MISS BOWDLER AT THE MUSIC HALLS.
+
+NO. III.--THE SPOOKS IN THE SQUARE.
+
+AIR--"_THE GOBLINS IN THE CHURCHYARD_."
+
+  I went down to the Psychical Society one night,
+  And heard them talk of Spooks and things that filled me with affright.
+  The Psychical Society, as every member boasts,
+  Was founded with the object of investigating Ghosts!
+  Now Ghosts, the modern species, are of very various sorts,
+  For like some plants, as botanists say, they seem to run to "sports."
+  I used to think a spectre _was_ a spectre, but I find
+  The "Psychical" can furnish Spooks of every class and kind.
+
+_CHORUS._
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  Some of the Ghosts are little, some of the Ghosts are big,
+  Some come in the guise of a headless man, and some of a spectre pig.
+  Some of them laugh "Ha! ha!" Some of them wail "Heigho!"
+  And I felt that night in a doose of a fright before it was time to go.
+
+  I had read _Phantasmagoria_ by that writer quaint but grand,
+  Who penned _The Hunting of the Snark_ and _Alice in Wonderland_.
+  And I thought I knew a thing or two, or might be even three,
+  About a Ghoul, and a Fay or Troll, and a Brownie or Banshee.
+  I knew that a Banshee always howled, whilst a Goblin might but yawn,
+  I also knew that a Poltergeist was _not_ a Leprechaun,
+  But the Psychicals, I'm bound to say, had me on "buttered toastes"
+  With the wonderful changes which they rang on the good old Churchyard
+      "Ghostes."
+
+_CHORUS._
+
+  Some of their Ghosts were sages, some of them seemed sheer noddies;
+  Some of the same like a "Wandering Flame," and others as "Astral
+      Bodies."
+  Some of theirs croaked "Ha! ha!" some of them chuckled "Ho! ho!"
+  And I got so sad, I was heartily glad when I found it was time to go.
+
+  I dropped into the "Rose and Crown," a highly respectable tavern,
+  For Ghosts are dry, and my thirst was high, my throat like a chalky
+      cavern.
+  I didn't have much, only four of cold Scotch, which is good to moisten
+      chalk.
+  The night was fine, it was twelve twenty-nine, so I thought I might
+      just as well walk.
+  But when I entered Trafalgar Square, I heard a mysterious sound;
+  There was not even a Bobby in sight as I stole a glance around;
+  But seated on NELSON's lions four, and perched on the neighbouring
+      "posteses,"
+  I saw, as we said in our Nursery Rhyme, a dozen or so of "Ghosteses"!
+
+_CHORUS._
+
+  Some of the Ghosts were short, some of the Ghosts were tall,
+  Some of them had most preposterous noddles, and some of them none at all,
+  They all gave a shrill "Ha! ha!" they all gave a hushed "Ho! ho!"
+  I turned in a fright and I wished 'em good night--but they would not let
+      me go!
+
+  Then one of the Ghosts began to speak; down on my knees I sank,
+  "I am a Nobleman's Ghost," said he, "and mine offence is Rank!
+  I never cared for the Common Herd, the People I loved to crush;
+  My only remark on the Poor was 'Pooh!' my retort to the Toilers 'Tush!'
+  And if they dared to grumble, why, I used to raise my rents,
+  For I always held that the Mob were made to keep up the Cent-per-cents,
+  And now in this Square I hear BURNS's blare, see the Red Banner wave,
+  And Society swished by the Socialist; so I cannot rest in my grave."
+
+_CHORUS._
+
+  Another Ghost commenced. He said: "I was a great R.A.
+  (I remember the time when we used to meet in "the pepper-pots," over
+      the way),
+  My daubs were always hung on the line, for ourselves we used to judge,
+  Our sole Ideal conventional cant, our _technique_ broad brown smudge.
+  And now BURNE JONES's pictures _sell_!!!"--here he writhed with a
+      spectral twist--
+  "And our 'broad brown smudge' gives way to the fudge cranks call
+      'Impressionist.'
+  I've lost my head, as perhaps you mark--though I keep a ventriloquist
+      tongue.
+  What's the use of a head to an Artist Ghost, who has never a chance
+      to be hung?"
+
+_CHORUS_--SOME OF THE GHOSTS, &C.
+
+  A Lawyer's Ghost wept on his post, and then began to state
+  That the Revolution of Sixty-eight--he meant of Six-_and_-eight--
+  For the abolition of needless fees, and the stopping of useless jaw,
+  Had capped the murder of Privilege by the massacre of Law:
+  Order, this Spook went on to state, was the prey of police--less prank,
+  All the real jam of life was lost with the abolition of Rank.
+  Here he wept! Ah! _can_ there be a sight a pitiful breast to thrill
+  Like the Ghost of a Lawyer dropping a tear o'er the Ghost of a
+      Lawyer's Bill?
+
+_CHORUS_--SOME OF THE GHOSTS, &C.
+
+  I woke. A pain possessed my head. The gathered Ghosts were gone,
+  And I lay there in Trafalgar Square, on a cold stone alone.
+  I seemed to hear a wailing cry, a whisper on the breeze,
+  Which said, in accents I well knew, "_Now then, Time, Gentlemen,
+      please_!"
+  It may have been the warning to recall those vagrant Ghosts
+  To ---- wheresoever they abide, poor pallid spectral hosts!
+  What it all meant I cannot tell, but this at least I know,
+  To that Psychical Society no more at night I'll go!
+
+_CHORUS._
+
+  Some of the Ghosts did goggle, some of the Spooks did stare,
+  But there they sat in a spectral row round "the Squirts" in Trafalgar
+      Square.
+  They all gave a loud "Ha! ha!" they all gave a loud "Ho! ho!"
+  And I turned and fled, and got home to bed as the rooster began to crow!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NAKED TRUTH.--Our old friend, Mrs. RAMSBOTHAM, was reading, the
+other day, a letter in the _Times_ about "Electrical Tramways," when
+she came upon a line stating that "two naked conductors" would be
+used. Much shocked, she was about to look at something else in the
+paper when she noticed that "one of the conductors was to be carried
+on poles," and another to be "laid rigid between the rails!" Horrified
+at this apparent brutality, the worthy lady has been writing letters
+(in draft) to the Commissioner of Police ever since!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A FRIENDLY TIP TO THE FIGHTING FACTIONS.
+
+  Recrimination is vexation,
+    Sedition is as bad;
+  Home Rule the-o-ry much puzzles J.B.
+    _Such_ practice proves _you_ mad!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A TIMELY SUGGESTION.--Commenting upon the exceptionally bad
+case of the Rev. Mr. CLUTTERBUCK last week, the _Times_ asks if
+something cannot be done to put down betting by turf-agencies, and
+stock-exchange gambling per "bucket-shops." We regret our inability to
+suggest an immediate remedy, but, as a warning and a reminder, let the
+last-named institutions be called "Clutterbucket-shops."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
+Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol.
+101, December 5, 1891, by Various
+
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